coworker’s anxiety becomes my problem, complimenting a colleague’s name, and more

by Alison Green on March 11, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker’s anxiety becomes my problem

I have a coworker, “Lily,” who reports to my manager and has been at the company for two years, with our team for four months. She and I are both pretty new to the workforce (we are 25 years old), so I would appreciate some advice on handling this situation in a mature and sensitive way.

Lily does great work — she’s diligent, detail-oriented, and on top of all our tasks. However, she seems very anxious all the time, and her anxiety can feel overwhelming. She has a tendency to talk very fast without making eye contact, and as soon as she’s spoken for a while and I open my mouth to respond, she’ll cut in and tell me even more. When she runs into work-related problems, she will run to me and just tell me what the problem is, and then wait expectantly for me to say or do … something. If I ask questions in response, she’ll jump in the second I finish my sentence and blurt even more about the problem, with a great sense of desperation. She has seemed on the verge of tears because of very small things and she will insist with urgency that I need to help her solve the problem immediately, even though I know from my experience it is not a big deal at all.

I’m really struggling not to let her anxiety make me anxious. I try very hard to respond to her panic with calm, but no amount of reassurance, explanations of what’s important and what’s not, or positive feedback (even specific notes on what she is doing well) seems to sate the fire-hose of urgency.

I don’t manage Lily. When I asked our manager for advice, he told me that he had seen this in junior employees before, and it would naturally go away as Lily became more experienced. That advice is not helpful for my day-to-day interactions with Lily. Is there anything that can be done here, or do you think I just need to do a better job of riding the wave of Lily’s anxiety?

To what extent is it your job to be fielding so many questions from Lily in the first place? Obviously you want to be collegial and that means some amount of willingness to help troubleshoot things … but that’s only true up to a point. If a lot of that is going on — and it sound like it is — Lily should normally be seeking help from her manager, not a peer.

So the first thing is to be less available for these anxiety spirals! Say you’re busy and can’t help and she should check with your mutual manager … or skip the declaration of busyness and just say, “Oh, you should talk with Manager about that.”

Right now it sounds like Lily is treating you as a manager stand-in (probably because it’s less intimidating to go to you than to her boss) and you should stop serving in that role. You’re not her manager, you’re not being paid as her manager, and by soaking up all her anxious questions, you’re keeping your boss from seeing the extent of the issue, as well as taking on an emotional burden that you don’t need to take on.

Related:
how should I deal with an anxious and needy coworker?

2. Micromanager is now checking everyone’s version histories — hourly

My supervisor has always been a micromanager to our five-person unit. He literally rewrites everyone’s work to suit how he is feeling that day, and this includes emails to upper management, stakeholders, etc. We are all nearly at our wit’s end, but unfortunately there are no other openings to apply to or request transfer to without taking pay cuts.

Over the past two weeks, he expanded his micromanagement toolbox to include demanding editing access to everyone’s assignments via OneDrive, where he monitors our version histories to see what we accomplished each hour and calls us out if we didn’t get what he considers enough done. It now just outright feels like he has created a toxic waste dump of an environment to work in. Are there any next steps you can suggest? We have no idea what to do.

Good lord. He’s monitoring version histories? By the hour? Does he have no work of his own?

Is the team up for pushing back as a group and saying, “This is interfering with our ability do our work and making us feel you don’t trust us to act with integrity and in the company’s interests”? It’s possible that if you speak up about it as a group rather than individually, it’ll create enough pressure to get him to stop. If that doesn’t work, in some companies it would be the sort of thing you could speak with either HR or his own boss about, framed as, “This is demoralizing the team and harming everyone’s productivity and he needs more support on how manage properly.” But in other companies, that would get you nowhere at all, so it depends on what you know about his boss and the abilities of your HR people and their willingness to intervene. (It’s worth noting HR doesn’t typically have the power to curtail this kind of thing on their own, but in some companies they’d respond by coaching him on how to manage more effectively, especially if they hear it from the whole team.)

3. How to handle a GoFundMe for laid-off employees

I work at a large nonprofit, and we went through a massive layoff yesterday. Most of the staff is reeling.

The staff quickly put together a GoFundMe for the laid-off employees and raised thousands of dollars in the past day. It’s generous, but something about it doesn’t sit right with me. It’s coming from a good place — people are shocked, frustrated, and want to help — but it feels misguided.

If people were serious about showing some kind of solidarity, I can’t help but feel that we’d be talking about a different kind of organizing (a work stoppage with a set of demands about getting rid of the overpriced, mostly empty office building or inflated executive pay before we lay off staff, for example). Instead, this feels kind of like condescending/poorly designed severance. Am I being unreasonable here? Should I just kick in some cash and hope it helps?

I don’t think you’re entirely off-base. I don’t think it’s condescending and anyone who doesn’t want the help can turn it down, but it doesn’t sit right to have coworkers, who might be in precarious financial positions themselves, take on the responsibility of providing financial support to laid-off employees rather than the organization to provide severance.

However, the impulse is a very kind and understandable one! The GoFundMe is something people can do now and which provides immediate help for people who might need it urgently, which can’t be said of a hypothetical campaign that might or might not succeed (and which, even if it does succeed in some ways, could easily not result in people getting their jobs back).

Ultimately I’d judge the GoFundMe on its own merits: do you want to contribute? You don’t have to! But I wouldn’t reject it solely because you’d rather see the staff organizing. Also, though, if you want to see the staff organizing … are you willing to explore what it would look like to lead it yourself? If not, I wouldn’t judge the thing people are willing to organize.

Also, what it’s worth, responding to staff cuts at a nonprofit through a lens of solidarity is likely not the right lens; you need to look at what the organization can actually do with its budget, at a time when many nonprofits are seeing their funding dramatically cut. Maybe in your org’s case there are smarter trade-offs they should have made, ones that would avoid layoffs; if so, that’s a more realistic framing than one of general staff solidarity, since a nonprofit’s loyalty needs to be to its mission above individual jobs, as rough as that can be to live through.

4. Telling a coworker she has a beautiful name

Can I tell a female worker that she has a beautiful name when we are introduced or will I get in trouble? I’m a man.

Would you ever tell a male coworker that? I’m guessing no, which is a good litmus test indicating you shouldn’t say it to a female colleague either.

Most women really don’t want male colleagues commenting on their face/hair/smile/name/other things they don’t have any control over; even if your intentions are wholesome, it’s going to feel rooted in relating to them as a woman, rather than as a professional person who’s at work. Interact with us the same way you would interact with male colleagues, please.

5. Should I explain the termination of federal probationary employees in my cover letter?

I’m one of the many federal probationary employees who recently received a termination letter. Can I assume that potential employers will know that I was swept up in mass layoffs of questionable legality, or is it safer to provide an explanation in my cover letter as to why I worked for less than five months at my old job? I was thinking that at the end of the cover letter, after discussing my old position, I could say something like, “Unfortunately, my time at X was cut short by blanket layoffs of probationary employees (anyone with less than one year of service) across the federal government. However, I am excited by the opportunity to bring my experience to…”

I imagine the answer to this question differs by industry. For context, I’m a social scientist with a PhD who worked in a federal statistical agency. I’ll be looking for research positions both remotely and in the greater D.C. area.

Most people will know without you spelling it out, but there’s also nothing wrong with explaining it — just use as few words as possible on it so that the focus of your letter can stay on your qualifications. I’d edit your proposed language down to: “Unfortunately, my time at X was cut short by blanket layoffs of probationary employees anyone with less than one year of service across the federal government. However, I am excited by the opportunity to bring my experience to…”

Mostly that’s to use fewer words, but it’s also true some people have been misunderstanding the term “probationary” and thinking it means “on probation because of your performance,” rather than because you were new. While it should be clear from the context, it’s better to leave no doubt.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder: We’ve had a recent increase in trolling here, and you can help me by NOT RESPONDING to it. If you engage, you are ensuring that troll will reappear. Instead, please flag the comment for me (just reply with a link, which will send your comment to moderation so I’ll see it).

    A change to previous requests: please don’t reply “reported,” either. Do not engage at all. Thank you.

    Reply ↓
  2. Not A Manager*

    “Can I tell a female worker that she has a beautiful name when we are introduced or will I get in trouble?”

    It bothers me that the dichotomy is “yes, by all means” or “no, because you’ll get in trouble.”

    Can I tell a female worker that she has a beautiful name when we are introduced or will it make her uncomfortable? Can I tell a female worker that she has a beautiful name when we are introduced or is it unprofessional? Is there some reason I shouldn’t compliment a colleague on her name?

    Even if you could do this without adverse consequences TO YOU, it might still be a bad and unprofessional idea.

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    1. Freya*

      I’ve complimented people on their name… But only when I KNOW it was one they chose for themself.

      If I’m complimenting someone on something they didn’t chose, then I’m not complimenting THEM, I’m complimenting the people who contributed to the thing (who are not in front of me). Which is gross. In the case of names, most of the time, you’re saying to the person in front of you that you like someone else’s (their parents) taste in names, which feels gross and weird and is not complimentary to the person you’re talking to.

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      1. Kalongdia*

        To me, the language used in the compliment is really important to.
        “Hey, I really like your name” feels very different to me than “Hey, your name is beautiful,” especially if this is the first time I’m meeting someone

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        1. SPB*

          Agreed. Something like that or “that’s a cool name” is a lot more neutral, and is something a man would say to both men and women.

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          1. Tau*

            And “that’s a cool name, I’ve never heard it before, where is it from?” can make for a decent conversation opener, assuming you’re sensitive to context. But the word “beautiful” belongs nowhere in that conversation.

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            1. Yikes on Bikes*

              I would absolutely not ask someone, especially someone you’ve just met, anything that could be taken as “what are you?”. That’s all kinds of ick.

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              1. Colette*

                Agreed. And, since they probably didn’t choose it themselves, they may not know the answer. Sometimes it’s a family name, but sometimes it’s just “my mom/dad liked it”.

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              2. Marion Ravenwood*

                Agreed. I think “that’s a cool name” (regardless of the person’s gender) is fine, but I’d leave it at that.

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              3. Slow Gin Lizz*

                Yes, and keep in mind too that while a person you’re just meeting might have a name that is entirely new to you, that person’s name is something that in most cases they’ve had for their entire life and are absolutely sick to death of explaining to people. For that reason, I never ask someone about their name when I first meet them. Even if I’m extremely curious, I won’t bring it up and only ask if it comes up naturally in conversation after I know them better.

                I even mostly refrain from “Oh, I love your name!” type comments – again, at least until I know a person better. Since most of us don’t choose our names, complimenting someone on their name can be as hollow as complimenting someone on their looks. I often compliment people on their hair colors if they have dyed it some unnatural color since it’s obviously something they chose and like (especially if it’s purple, my favorite color), but I wouldn’t dream of telling someone with naturally red or blonde hair that I love their hair color because it’s a little weird to compliment someone on their natural looks that they have no control over.

                Exceptions to these rules would be if you are talking to the parent of a young child and you think they have a beautiful name, because obviously the parent chose it and likes it. Then it’s probably ok to tell the *parent* that you like the name. But not a fully grown human.

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                1. The OG Sleepless*

                  My married surname is sort of unusual and can lend itself to some pretty tired jokes, and after 30+ years I’ve heard them all a million times. I never comment on other people’s names for that reason.

                2. Kai Rose*

                  I have one of those names, and your first paragraph is so appreciated! I tend to get introduced and wait for the inevitable question. But i am so used to it, it’s fine.

                3. HannahS*

                  Yes, exactly! I have an identifiably foreign name and gave my child an identifiably foreign name in the same language. I’m fine when people ask me her name and they say, “Oh, that’s beautiful/so cute!” Even, “How do you spell that?” is fine.

                  I don’t like it when people say:
                  “What IS that?” (rude.)
                  “What does that mean?” (It has a meaning, but so does your name! Does it come up every time you introduce yourself?)
                  “What’s the significance of that” +/= “IN YOUR CULTURE” (omg please strive to be normal; the significance is that my husband and I liked it and it’s linked to a religious holiday that happened around the time of her birth and naming children in line with the seasons or holidays is a thing in our culture but CHILL this isn’t anthropology class and I don’t know you.)

                4. Wendy Darling*

                  People have complimented my hair color a few times (I’m going grey in a way that is, I think, kinda cool) and I am awkward so I tend to respond “Thanks, I made it myself!”

              4. Hannah Lee*

                Yeah, the “I’ve never heard it before, where is it from?” can come across as othering, as positioning yourself as the norm and the person you’re talking to as an outsider.

                See also, “where are you from” or “where are your people from?”
                https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-63822940

                Until you actually know this person, don’t go probing in ways that are othering.

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            2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

              “Where is it from” sounds othering / exoticizing, especially if the person you’re asking is a different race than you are. Don’t do that.

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              1. StressedButOkay*

                Honestly, just the “that’s a beautiful name” sounds othering / exoticizing! I have a very popular 80’s girl name and I’m white – and no one has ever told me my name was beautiful. But can I see someone doing that to a woman who wasn’t white with a different name?

                In a heartbeat. So, OP has SO MANY reasons why he should not say it.

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                1. ThatGirl*

                  I am white, I am in my 40s, and I have an unusual name. It’s not “ethnic” per se but the rare other women who share my name are often Black, and it sounds like it could be Spanish. So I do get a fair amount of “oh, I’ve never heard that before” and sometimes people who hear my name before meeting me assume I am non-white.

                  I don’t mind talking about my name, but I do wonder how much of it is people’s mental disconnect with “white + this name” :)

              2. Tau*

                Yeah, I realised after leaving that comment that I was overgeneralising from my own experience – I used to get that question a lot, didn’t mind it, and did find it led to some nice conversations, but I was a (white western European) immigrant in another majority-white country with no plans of settling there permanently and I didn’t mind the reference to my obvious foreigner status. I can see how it could land a lot differently if you grew up as a minority group in your home country, or if you’re an immigrant who’s put down permanent roots and is sick of dealing with the “so where are you from?” question.

                I still think it can work in some situations… but you’d definitely have to be very sensitive to context so it doesn’t go badly wrong, and I personally consider it a good rule of thumb to avoid taking conversations into places that can easily go badly wrong at work, so yeah – it’s best avoided.

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            3. Lenora Rose*

              This was actually an explicit conversation opener at an event I was at where people could be reasonably expected to not know everyone they sat with.

              They had a time that was specifically set for “get to know the people at your table” and cards on the table with three suggested conversation topics for anyone who stumbled: your personal and cultural links with food, your name (or your child or pet’s name) and its significance personally or culturally, and one other that was a bit event-specific.

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              1. KitKat*

                I think this is different in a context where it’s being explicitly given to everyone as a conversation-opener. I’d be happy to talk about my (not interesting) name and it’s (slightly interesting) family history. I’ve never been told it’s a beautiful name or asked its significance outside of a context where it’s a structured icebreaker or school project, probably largely because it’s a common name and part of the “default” culture where I live.

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                1. Lenora Rose*

                  Yes, this was a reply to Tau mentioning where “That’s a cool name” is used as a conversation opener, not a direct response to (or defense of) “that’s a beautiful name”.

            4. HannahS*

              No, thanks. My real name is identifiably foreign and I HATE that. It’s the same thing as “What are you/where are you from?” I don’t want to tell you what language it’s in (Hebrew, are you weird about Israelis? I don’t want to know), I don’t want to tell you what it means (the meaning is very cute but again that feels weirdly personal–why did YOUR parents choose your name, and would you like to discuss that with a stranger?) I didn’t choose my name, please just treat me like my name is Sarah or Hannah or Jane.

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              1. Good Lord Ratty*

                I get this too – my name is Hebrew but is often misheard as certain names that are common in Spanish or Russian, and people will frequently ask “oh, is that Spanish/Russian?” I can’t very well lie, or just flatly say no without explaining, and I always have this pause where I wonder if they will be weird about Jews and/or Israelis. This, coupled with the fact that my surname (a product of my marriage to a non-Jew) is highly uncommon among Jews and leads people to assume I am not Jewish and then they have follow-up questions… Ugh. I don’t mind talking to people about this stuff, but I prefer to save it until I actually know you a bit. It’s not for just anyone to get an entire personal history and/or treatise on my ancestry, especially not a stranger.

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            5. Tiggerann*

              I say ‘Oh, my parents fond it on a science fiction novel’ all the time. I know that’s not for everyone.

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        2. Don’t know what to call myself*

          Yes. I agree.

          In general, I think “beautiful” is a word that should be used extremely sparingly in an average office. If you’re in a design field and you colleague has done some truly spectacular work, you can probably call the work beautiful without making anyone uncomfortable, but it’s not a word you’d want to use when describing a colleague’s personal attributes.

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          1. Slow Gin Lizz*

            100% this. Never use “beautiful” to reference another human in a work context. I’d even go so far as to say you shouldn’t use it when describing, say, a model or movie star if you’re talking to colleagues. It’s just…objectifying, I guess? Reducing a human to their physical attributes and ignoring all their meaningful contributions to society, which has a big ick factor.

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        3. Tess McGill*

          Agreed. “Your name is beautiful” will come off flirty, no matter how you say it and has a high chance of making the person feel uncomfortable. Women are pretty good at hiding their discomfort, especially at work, so it’s best to prevent this.

          OP, I think it’s great you’ve come here for advice before saying anything. It reminds me that things are getting better in the workplace in a time where the “good old days” seem to stoke nostalgia in some.

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          1. Emily Byrd Starr*

            I agree, however, I would consider a compliment if someone said I had a pretty name. Somehow, “pretty” has less of a
            sexual/romantic connotation than “beautiful.”

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            1. MigraineMonth*

              That would be like telling me I had a nice smile or kind eyes, I think. Not very romantic, but still too intimate to be work-appropriate/professional.

              I accept compliments at work on: my work, my brightly-colored purse, or my weirdly encyclopedic knowledge of Disney lyrics. Please leave my body, name, etc out of it.

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          2. Hannah Lee*

            This OP’s question made me immediately think of The Rock Test, basically, if it’s not something you would walk up to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and say it, you shouldn’t be saying it to women you don’t know, women in the workplace, or pretty much anyone you don’t know super well for that matter.

            And when someone runs the test on a thing they were thinking of saying, and realizing that, oh, yeah, I probably wouldn’t / shouldn’t say that to The Rock, it’s then a good opportunity to think through *why* you wanted to say it to the other person in the first place, and if that impulse is appropriate for the situation, setting, relationship, power dynamics between you.

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            1. This Old House*

              I mean, if I loved the name Dwayne, I would probably tell The Rock I loved his name. I have told a coworker (honestly) that I loved her name and if we’d ever had a girl it would have been a strong contender for a first or middle name. I’ve told a coworker who used a nickname that his full name was cool, when I heard it for the first time. I doubt I would say a coworker’s name was “beautiful,” although I could imagine a spontaneous, honest, “What a beautiful name!” being unobjectionable in some situations, with some necessary awareness around not exoticizing or othering someone just because their name is from a culture you’re unfamiliar with.

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        4. Donkey Option*

          I completely agree. I’m someone with an unusual name and I enjoy getting compliments on it, even though the credit should go to my mom who picked it. But that has to do with the fact that I really like my unique and cool name and it feels like an extension of myself and my personality. But of course, not everyone feels that way!
          So I think your recommendation. It’s much more neutral. It’s also less gendered than the word “beautiful.” I also think saying that a name is “nice” or “unique” works because those aren’t gendered either.
          And also waiting until you’ve met someone a couple times to gauge how they’d take it would be good.

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        5. LL*

          exactly. You still run the risk that the person doesn’t like their name, but hasn’t changed it for whatever reason, but this is much better.

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        6. iglwif*

          Yeah. I can 100% imagine saying to a new person, irrespective of gender, “Hey, I like your name” or “What a cool name” or even, maybe, “Oh I have a friend with that name!” And I can imagine someone saying those things to me and it feeling fine. (I am in my early 50s and have a name that I mostly only encounter among ladies 25-40 years older than me, and not very often even then. So I am always genuinely chuffed to meet or hear about another one, which I am sure is not the case for people my age named, e.g., Jennifer or Sarah or Michelle.)

          “Your name is beautiful” feels icky to me–to hear or to say–in a way those other things don’t.

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        7. DidIRollMyEyesOutLoud*

          Yes. I was going to say the same thing. Something like, “That’s a cool name,” could be said to a person of any gender without seeming like you’re coming on to them.

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          1. Emily Byrd Starr*

            I remember that. If the person’s name was Michael and he asked to be called Mike, would his coworker insist on calling him Michael out of respect for his mother? Probably not.

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      3. Meaningful hats*

        Now I’m thinking of the time someone told me my name “doesn’t suit [my] spirit” and I actually completely agreed with them (I *really* dislike my name) but I also didn’t exactly know how to respond. My mom chose a name that was fairly popular the year I was born and there’s not much I can do about it without causing a lot of strife in my personal life.

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        2. Salty Caramel*

          I only use the name on my birth certificate if it’s legally required. I hate it, always have. When I started using something else my mother turned around with, “I will call you what I named you.”

          Names are a damn touchy subject.

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      4. Spooz*

        I’m not sure I follow that logic when it comes to compliments. People give compliments on other things that one cannot choose as a matter of course: eyes, hair, physique… Maybe you would choose not to compliment those either, but many people would without it being weird or inappropriate.

        That said… not at work! I think my big problem with the compliment in the letter, besides the sole concern being “getting in trouble” rather than “making the other person uncomfortable” is the adjective “beautiful”.

        I don’t think we call people or their names “beautiful” at work. It’s a broadly romantic adjective and that’s not where we want to go at work. “Interesting” or “unusual” might be appropriate for a little light conversation that you’re willing to drop like a hot potato if the other person doesn’t seem into discussing their name. But “beautiful” is definitely inappropriate.

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        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          <>

          Not at work. Rule of thumb for work is to comment only on things that someone can choose to change easily.

          If you wouldn’t want a new CEO to remember it as your first comment,
          avoid it with other co-workers. And usually you want the c e 02 remember something other than you think he has lovely eyes.

          Hair CUT is borderline– acknowledging a change in style for someone you know well is probably OK. Saying something like “You seem very happy with complimenting their decision, not their genetics.

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        2. Account*

          Totally agree. “Cool name” is not creepy. “Nice new hairstyle!” is typically not creepy. “Beautiful” is much harder to pull off, unless it’s maybe shoes.

          And “get in trouble” is not a thing in the workplace. “Be a creeper” is.

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          1. Shift Work*

            Agreed! I have had both male and female coworkers say something like “whoa! your eyes are SO BLUE today!” or “that shirt makes your eye color POP.” Not at all creepy or unprofessional in that context where it just felt like they observed something different about me on that given day and the conversation immediately moved on. If any of them, or a stranger, just came out with “your eyes are beautiful…” it would for sure feel out of place at work.

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        4. Lenora Rose*

          At work, you don’t generally compliment eyes or physique, and hair *is* chosen; style and cut even if colour isn’t changed.

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          1. londonedit*

            Again, I think it’s all about tone – I don’t see anything wrong with a friendly ‘Hey! LOVE the new haircut!!’ as you’re passing someone in the corridor, but that’s very different from, say, ‘Wow. Jane, your hair is so beautiful’.

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            1. Salty Caramel*

              Tone is definitely a factor, but word choice adds to the impact too. You give a good example.

              It’s like how saying, “Have a nice day,” differs from, “Enjoy your next 24 hours.”

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        5. Anonym*

          It’s a bit old fashioned, but I actually strongly agree with the idea that a compliment to something you didn’t choose isn’t really a compliment! It does you no credit, recognizes no choice or agency, and is really pretty hollow. I think I picked it up from Miss Manners a long time ago, and it really struck a chord. I always try to compliment people’s choices when a) I feel the urge and b) it seems appropriate, and I usually see genuine pleasure in response.

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      5. Knope Knope Knope*

        People compliment my given name all the time and I’ve never found it “gross.” It’s a name from our country of ancestry but I’ve had many people from other cultures tell me it’s a name or word in their own culture which I would have never known. It’s been a lovely way to connect with people. My parents gave me my name, but it’s MY name. I suppose you could say I choose to live with it every day. I agree with others that OP has better word choices than the gendered “beautiful” but I really don’t think it’s gross or irrelevant to compliment someone on their given name.

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        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I think there are many contexts where it lands fine. (Lacking the power dynamics of work, and you have to be introduced to only one person so you aren’t singling out their name and discarding all the other people’s names.)

          But as soon as your framing is “Would I get in trouble at work if I said this to a woman I work with?” then you should not say whatever the thing is.

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        2. MigraineMonth*

          I think this is one of those areas where intention and effect can have a huge gap, particularly if there’s a power differential. Let’s say the complimenter just thinks, “Huh, that’s pretty!” and that immediately comes out of their mouth with no filter.

          Said from a male colleague to a female colleague on meeting: the effect is likely that the female colleague feels she’s being hit on and might not feel comfortable pushing back on it. (“Geez, don’t be so sensitive, it was just a compliment!”)

          Said from a white person to a non-white person: the effect is probably the non-white person feel othered (“how weird and exotic!”) and might not feel comfortable pushing back on it. (“Geez, don’t be so sensitive, it was just a compliment!”)

          Said from a person with a common name to someone with an unusual name: the effect is often that the person with the unusual name spends way more time than they want to talking about their name, it’s not even one they’ve chosen, can we just get back to discussing the spreadsheet? (“Geez, don’t be so uptight, it was just a compliment!”)

          Reply ↓
        3. MeepMeep123*

          Yeah, except you really don’t know what someone’s feelings about their name might be. I hate it when I get comments on my name. It’s a very standard Russian name. I am a Russian Jewish refugee who fled from Russia to escape some pretty horrendous antisemitism. The reason I have this standard Russian name is because my parents were too afraid to name me anything identifiably Jewish.

          Generally, conversations about my name with strangers lead to conversations about Russia and how the interlocutor had this wonderful wonderful trip to Russia and what a great country it is. I kinda hate those conversations, though I never let on.

          Basically, you never know what you’re getting into when you compliment someone like that, and at work, it’s definitely a good idea to stay away from potentially sensitive subjects until you know someone a bit better.

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      6. MK*

        I get that “hey, your parents have great taste in names” might feel weird, but why is it “gross”?

        Frankly, I don’t see this as a compliment to the person, it’s just a remark that you like the name; e.g. it’s more like saying to someone who wears a red outifit that you like to colour red, as opposed to saying they look good in red. Or even saying to a new coworker who is from a certain country that you like the country.

        The only time I have seen this pay out in real life is when a male colleague told a female one (friend of mine) with an unusual name “I have always liked that name, I actually wanted to name my daughter that”, and to be honest it didn’t strike anyone as odd. Admitedly it wasn’t the first time they met, and it came up in conversation (she went by a nickname, someone else asked what it was short for, he mentioned how much he liked the given name).

        I think this is what feels off about the question: I can understand saying this as a spontaneous remark during a “getting to know the new coworker” chat, and I think that’s something one might say to a male coworker with an unusual name. But if you are asking the question, it means you are intentionally bringing it up/ Which, why?

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        1. Irish Teacher.*

          Yeah, I think the fact that the LW is planning this in advance is part of what makes it seem inappropriate. Saying “oh, that’s a beautiful name” spontaneously when you first hear it feels different to me than somebody planning in advance to tell somebody their name is beautiful and being so invested in doing so that even when it occurs to them it might not be a good idea, their thought is not to rephrase it as “I like your name” or something but instead to write to an advice columnist and ask if they can do it without “getting in trouble.”

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          1. Runcible Wintergreen*

            This question reads as though it’s something that OP has already done, gotten in trouble for, and is now asking whether this is some Official Rule so that he can push back on getting in trouble.
            Alternately, OP was given a blanket rule about not telling female coworkers that they’re beautiful, and he is trying to rules lawyer it without understanding what the point of the rule is.
            Either way, OP is missing the point – it’s not about the words, but the effect.

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        2. Great Frogs of Literature*

          It feels like a pickup line to me, in a way that “That’s a cool name!” doesn’t. Add in the fact that he’s planning it in advance, and that’s Hard Nope for me.

          I honestly can’t think of any name so beautiful that I would feel the need to comment on it and call it beautiful, specifically. Neat or cool, yes, but it would be a spur-of-the-moment thing. And even the contexts where I might be tempted to say that a name is pretty would probably frequently come out as “white person exoticizing ‘foreign’ name” and I should probably just stick to “nice to meet you.”

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      7. LifebeforeCorona*

        Someone once asked a colleague if they could add their name to a list of possible baby names. It was an indication of how much they liked the name.

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        1. PhyllisB*

          My daughter has an unusual first name (that thankfully she loves.)
          She’s been told several times that someone was going to use it if they had a daughter. The funniest was when she was getting a loan for her first car the loan officer said, “oh, I love your name!! Do you mind if I name my next dog that?” She just mumbled, “um, sure.” We’ve always wondered if there was a dog somewhere with her name.

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        2. Chas*

          Now that seems like a good way to compliment someone. Not only are you saying you like the name, but also that there’s definitely no thought of “I can’t use [name] for the baby, that’d remind me of [name] from work and I don’t like them!”

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      8. Lexi Vipond*

        So if you said to someone that you liked their scarf, and they said ‘thanks, my cousin gave it to me’, you would feel that you’d accidentally said something disgusting?

        I do think that’s quite unusual – if I said ‘my cousin gave me this scarf, isn’t it lovely?’, would you think *I* was being disgusting because my cousin wasn’t in the room to hear the compliment?

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        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Apples and oranges. A scarf can be changed in 5 minutes; a name cannot.

          Complimenting a scarf is complimenting their choice to wear it that day.

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        2. AlsoADHD*

          You choose to wear a scarf or not though. While you can change your name, it’s a huge hassle to do so in most cases and not an active choice to use it for most folks.

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        3. HailRobonia*

          When I was new to the world of work I (a man) once complimented a woman coworker on her interesting bracelet. There was an awkward pause and she said “thanks, my boyfriend gave it to me.”

          I suddenly realized she thought I might be flirting – I was not (I’m gay). For me this was a perfect example of intent being at odds with impact.

          I was too socially inept at the time but in hindsight I wish I said something like “I wish that my boyfriend would get me nice gifts” so she wouldn’t think “oh no, I hope he doesn’t hit on me” everytime she encountered me.

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          1. Anonym*

            Such a good point. If it sounds like flirting, don’t say it in the workplace (unless you meant to flirt, there’s no problematic power dynamic, you already have some solid work relationship with the person so they know you’re not going to be weird if they’re not interested, and you’re okay with the risk of making a colleague uncomfortable I guess…).

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            1. MigraineMonth*

              I think the key for flirting at work (assuming there are no problematic power dynamics or rules against it) is about starting the flirtation really low-key and not proceeding unless you’re getting strong “Yes” signals.

              (If you aren’t good at reading people/aren’t good at picking up soft no’s, just don’t do it. Try meeting people at places where they’re more free to tell you explicitly to get lost.)

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            2. Nah*

              The problem being, nearly *anything* can be misconstrued as flirting, as I think nearly anyone that has ever presented as a woman while making a joke, smiling, or even just doing their literal job in the presence of (generally) a cis man has experienced.

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      9. DJ Abbott*

        Yes, it’s right there with men going on about the way I look.
        I did not choose the way I look. The day I meet a man who appreciates me as a person and does things for me, instead of going on about the way I look and what he wants from me, I will get married.
        She did not choose her name and is probably tired of hearing about it. Don’t make it all about you and what you like about her. Make it all about her and giving her what she needs – in this case, being treated like a fellow professional.

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      10. Nebula*

        Yes, I’ve changed my first name, and one of the reasons was that I used to get compliments on my old name and it felt sort of awkward. Like, thanks, I’ll let my parents know, I guess. Now when I get compliments on my name, it feels good, because it’s one I’ve chosen so it’s an actual compliment to me.

        Someone here has brought up calling someone’s name ‘cool’ rather than ‘beautiful’ and yes, my old name was often called ‘pretty’ whereas the most frequent compliment I get about my new name is ‘cool name’. The latter feels much better.

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      11. lilsheba*

        That’s reaching a little bit don’t you think? 99 percent of people’s names out there are not chosen by that individual, it’s ok to say you like it whether they chose it or not.

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      12. just tired*

        That’s reaching a little bit don’t you think? 99 percent of people’s names out there are not chosen by that individual, it’s ok to say you like it whether they chose it or not.

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      13. Frosty*

        This comment is so weird to me. How is it “gross” to compliment someone’s name, even if it was given to them? I love my name, people comment on it all the time. It’s my name and I don’t think “gee, I guess this person thinks my parents had good taste”. I think they believe I have a cool name and they are correct.

        Reply ↓
        1. Nack*

          Yeah I’m with you. I can understand not thinking it’s a great/meaningful/deep compliment, but to say it’s “gross” to compliment someone’s name… wow! It seems like deliberately misinterpreting something meant to be kind.

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      14. Tippy*

        As someone who has a very unusual I get commented/complimented on it all the time. People I’m introduced, the guy at Starbucks, retail clerks, hostess desks, bartenders….. it’s either “wow that’s a cool/pretty name, where is it from?” or “I love your name, where’s it from?”. It’s been happening for 40+ years and I’m sure it’ll continue to happen and I truly could not care less. I’ve even had someone tell me it’s weird, which, yeah, it kinda is.

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      15. Annie*

        Gross seems like a strange description of that. I can understand unprofessional, but I don’t quite get that feeling that you’re describing. Weird, sure, but it’s not like it’s so out of the norm in non-professional settings to find someone’s name interesting.

        Beautiful is the wrong way to express it as well, but I’d bet that a woman complimenting a woman (in a non-professional setting) wouldn’t be seen as weird or gross.

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      16. Selina Luna*

        I didn’t choose my name for myself, but my real name (not the one I use here) is quite unusual. People (nearly always women) will sometimes comment on how pretty my name is and leave that open. I nearly always smile and say, “Thanks, I was named after an alien.” This is true, though it does invite further questions. I’m not willing to answer those questions here to maintain the tiny bit of anonymity I’ve cultivated. I can say that only one man has ever said anything about my name, and that’s because he caught the reference.

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      17. Emily Byrd Starr*

        I also think it would be appropriate to say that a coworker’s daughter or son has a beautiful name, because the coworker was the one who chose it.

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      18. wordswords*

        I don’t think inherently it’s gross or weird to compliment the name someone’s parents gave them?? This is a strange take to me!

        Which is not to say it’s a good idea to tell someone their name is beautiful on a first meeting. There’s a real risk of it coming across as flirty, which in many context (including work) is inappropriate; it’s also really easy for it to come across as weirdly racially/ethnically charged. (Whether or not the compliment-giver means it that way! But also, frequently even if they don’t consciously mean it that way, there are unconscious patterns in whose name sounds exotic/unusual/surprising vs whose name doesn’t warrant comment.) So whether a compliment to someone’s name (birth or chosen) comes across as friendly or weird depends on a lot of factors: gender, racial, ethnic, individual affection for their name, how often they get weirdness or mispronunciation about it, tone and delivery, surrounding context… Basically, there are a lot of minefields here, which means it’s probably best to hold off, especially if you’re at all unsure how it’ll be received.

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        1. DJ Abbott*

          I once saw a White woman complement a Black woman on her obviously ethnic name, saying it was so beautiful, etc. I don’t know how the Black woman felt about it, but to me it seemed patronizing.

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      19. Bella Luna*

        I wouldn’t call it gross. That’s a level of disgust that I don’t think applies here.

        I like my married last name. It’s much more melodic and goes really well with my first name. Think Bella Luna. I like it much better than Bella Sturgeon.

        Perhaps the person has the same first name that I selected if I had a daughter. “Francesca is a beautiful name. I was going to use it if my son Clyde had been a girl.” IMO that’s not creepy.

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    2. Elf*

      That may have been the dichotomy of the question, but I think it was (rightly) ignored in the answer because as you note, it’s a false dichotomy.

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    3. Tiger Snake*

      There’s also a detail of “WHY would you even tell me that?”

      A compliment is for the person you’re giving the compliment to. Emphasis on the word GIVING: it’s like a gift. That’s why ‘I acknowledge and admire something you DID – whether it was changing the car tire or picking an aesthetically pleasing shoe’ works. Its feedback on their action and choice.

      Its why your fiancé saying you look pretty is fine; the gift is reaffirming your personal romantic bond.

      So, a name choice – WHY would you tell me that? What possible relevance does YOUR feelings have to my daily life. “It’s the same as my daughter’s!” – oh neat, you’re using the coincidence to establish a social link by affirming similarity to someone you feel personal and positive connections to.

      But “It just sounds nice” – okaaay, and? That’s a very selfish and self-centred “You” statement. You’re not affirming anything I am doing or influencing, you’re just using me as a cardboard cut out to talk about how you feel: you’re giving YOURSELF a gift instead of giving ME one.

      Reply ↓
      1. My Mother Didn't Know My True Name*

        I think all of this is a sentiment worth considering (so I will do so, going forward). Currently, I do compliment people’s interesting or lovely names; because I happen to be in the subset of people who did choose the name I prefer to be known by, and it’s unusual, so I’m pleased if people respond to it positively. But I consider it social or small talk, and it might not be as appropriate professionally.

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        1. Andromeda Carr*

          I think it’s how one does it. My job involves a lot of phone conversations. I have an unusual name with sociopolitical history and I do enjoy discussing it with people, even as work chitchat. I really appreciate when people say “What a cool/interesting name!” I … don’t so much appreciate it when flirtatious men people say “oooh what a beautiful name, you must be a beautiful woman” or something like that.

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          1. Annie*

            yes, I can definitely see the difference there.

            I guess I can understand if the person with the interesting name gets that all the time, it might get tiring, but it’s likely well intentioned, not a negative thing.

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          2. Observer*

            Oh, yes. A *MAJOR* difference there.

            And as someone with a truly unique name (to the point that I’ve actually been told that it’s not a “real” name), I agree with you.

            The LW sounds like he is a lot closer to the second than the first.

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      2. Knope Knope Knope*

        This feels like a really defensive interpretation of what often amounts to a minor or off-hand compliment. I get a lot of compliments on my name. I think people hear it, like it, comment on it and move on. I don’t really need them to affirm me in that moment, nor do I feel I’ve been harmed or undermined. It’s just a positive to neutral statement.

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        1. Allonge*

          The thing is, you never know if you meet someone with your attitude or that of Tiger Snake.

          It’s just safer – especially at work – to not give a compliment, or to restrict it to safer topics. Why comment on someone’s name at all when you meet them?

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      3. Beth*

        This is a lot of weight to put on what amounts to small talk. OP4 shouldn’t tell his coworker she has a beautiful name because it’s too borderline on the “is this man hitting on me at work?” scale and could easily make her uncomfortable. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with compliments at work. Most people won’t take “That’s a cool name” as somehow selfish. Alison’s “Would you say this to a male colleague as well as a female one?” is a good litmus test for OP4.

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    4. Diomedea Exulans*

      I have told both men and women that they have a beautiful name (and I have also been told by both men and women that I have a beautiful name). I don’t think it’s loaded and creepy, but you have to know the environment and the coworker’s personality.

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    5. Hyaline*

      Wording matters, too. I’ve absolutely told men “I love your name!” but “What a beautiful name” has a gendered connotation. FWIW in this day and age I do see name as something a person has control over, unlike bodies that we don’t comment on—at this point anyone I know who disliked or was uncomfortable with their given name goes by something else, whether legally or unofficially but uniformly.

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    6. LaminarFlow*

      I have an unusual (I just call it weird, and I owe it to my hippie parents, yay me!) and I have always gotten comments & compliments on it. I just think it is cool that someone notices something about me. I love meeting other people with unique names – sometimes we have a moment of bonding over not being able to find souvenirs with our names on them at tourist traps (but do we stop checking? Nope…one day I will hit the jackpot!)

      I am a woman, and of the men who have commented on my name usually say something along the lines of my name being cool, unique, or unusual. TBH, my name isn’t beautiful in the way a beautiful sounding word like “Ambrosia” is. I don’t care at all what adjective anyone chooses to describe their feelings on my name. However, people who have unusual names since birth have had this conversation at least a gazillion times over their life span.

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    7. AlsoADHD*

      The use of the word “beautiful” is what gets me here. Not “I like that name” or “that’s a cool name” but particularly gendering it (female) and using “beautiful name”. In general, probably best to not comment on names in most cases (perhaps compliment a name someone chose for their pet or baby if they share it but we usually don’t pick our own names) but it’s “beautiful” that makes this so extra creepy.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jennifer Strange*

        Yup, all of this. I’d have no issue with someone (of any gender) telling me they liked my name, but if a man told me I had a beautiful name it would feel like he was hitting on me.

        Reply ↓
        1. Anonym*

          Yep, it’s likely to sound like hitting on the person whether you intend it or not. If OP wants to take the risk of making someone uncomfortable, they are now fully informed on the pros and cons. It might not, but it might.

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        2. Observer*

          if a man told me I had a beautiful name it would feel like he was hitting on me.

          I also think that it would feel that way. And I think that there is a good reason for that.

          The way the LW expresses his question, I think it’s possible that that’s where is he is heading.

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        1. Waffles*

          My guess is that it already happened, he did “get in trouble”, and is writing to AAM to justify why he shouldn’t have. But that’s just speculation on my part.

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    8. Czhorat*

      Yes, I agree. I think Allison did a great job of framing this in a better way. “Will I get in trouble” is SO often a way of treating low-level sexual harassment as a harmless thing over which some humorless scold is attacking you.

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    9. Llama Groomer, Esq.*

      I have a name that is fairly frequently complimented. It’s pretty and uncommon and suits my energy well. I’ve definitely had people tell me I have a beautiful name many times in a way that was genuine and not creepy. It’s also come across deeply creepy. It’s all dependent on the person’s intent.

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    10. Maleficent2026*

      As a 40+ year old woman with a VERY unusual name, I have heard every variation of “That’s so pretty!/How did your parents come up with that?/What’s the meaning of it?” under the sun. And I’ve been hearing it for as long as I can remember. I know my name is new and novel for you, but please don’t be person number 394 this week to comment on it. It gets tiring after awhile.

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      1. Lego Girl*

        I have a rare first name and was once at a race and was running with two people, a guy named Doug and a girl with a similarly unusual first name as mine… I said something like huh, Doug, I bet you don’t get a lot of comments on your name and the girl started laughing a TON.

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      2. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Yes, this! I commented similarly above….I try not to be that person. I hate when I have a thing that stands out and every single person I meet asks me about it as if no one has ever asked me before. When I had carpal tunnel in college and everyone asked me why I was wearing a wrist brace, I nearly lost my mind. I totally got that they were asking out of concern, but it was so so so tiresome. I’m very glad I have a fairly common name and don’t get asked about it, because I would lose my mind if I did. Please, OP, and anyone else who wants to draw attention to anything unusual about someone else: stop first and ask yourself if that person wants that attention and if not, don’t draw the attention.

        Reply ↓
        1. The OG Sleepless*

          I had a cast on my arm for two months as a teenager, and I thought seriously about writing FELL OFF A HORSE on it in large letters facing outward.

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      3. Anonym*

        Less unique situation, but I’m tall. I’ve lost track of the number of times people have said, “Wow, you’re so tall!” It doesn’t bother me, but what am I meant to say? I usually just smile and agree.

        There is nothing novel or clever you can say to person about their Unusual Feature That Everyone Else Notices Too. Maybe pick something more thoughtful or interesting to talk about.

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        2. Bitte Meddler*

          My real name is the same as the name of a song that was popular a few decades ago.

          Soooooo many men I met thought they were being clever and cute by singing the chorus of that song to me. It was so bad that I would actually take note of when a man DIDN’T sing it. [And, no, no woman ever sang it to me.]

          Me: “Oh. Ha-ha. That song. Yes. You are absolutely not the 1000th person to sing it at me. Very original.”

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    11. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      I wonder if the advice would be different if the person said something like “Oh I really like your name, its so cool/unique. I think the issue with the name thing is that it feels icky because they are saying its beautiful. You really shouldn’t be commenting on a coworkers beauty.

      But I also think you should just leave it alone and not say anything. especially if the person is BIPOC or from another country. They probably get comments on their name all the time.

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      1. Irish Teacher.*

        I think it’s a combination of the word “beautiful,” the framing of should he do it or could it get him “in trouble” rather than could it bother the person he was asking and the fact that he is concerned and doesn’t therefore figure better not to.

        Something like “cool name” wouldn’t bother me but I’d still wonder why somebody would bother writing to an advice column to ask if they could do it rather than erring on the side of caution if they were unsure. Especially if their question was “could I get in trouble?” rather than “would it be likely to annoy or offend the person?”

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    12. Momma Bear*

      There’s also a difference in being introduced and saying something simple in that moment and deliberately seeking her out to say it’s a pretty name. Admittedly as a woman I can say, “Oh, what a pretty name!” without the same connotations but I still think it’s better not said if you don’t know how it will be received.

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    13. Owl-a-roo*

      THANK YOU for pointing this out. I can’t stand it when people use this framing instead of taking the time to think through the potential consequences of a particular action.

      Part of me feels like it’s a lazy excuse to avoid doing the mental labor of reasoning, examining one’s ethics, etc…but the other (less righteously angry and more empathetic) part of me recognizes that it can be a natural consequence of growing up in an environment with lots of rigid rules that were never explained and couldn’t be questioned. Things are either Right or Wrong because they Simply Are.

      I suppose the helpful advice to LW4 here is: yes, some (probably many) women would indeed be creeped out by this because it feels like an unwelcome advance, and therefore you should take this into consideration when weighing what “in trouble” means. It’s extremely unlikely for a person to go to HR or their manager because somebody said this, but they would forever feel a little creeped out and will likely try to avoid further contact.

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    14. not nice, don't care*

      “…or will I get in trouble? I’m a man…”

      Adults don’t ask ‘will I get in trouble?’

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    15. fhqwhgads*

      Appropriate reasons to comment on someone’s name:
      “That’s my (relative’s/best friend’s/other important-to-you person’s) name too!”
      …that’s all I can come up with, other than things that are less “commenting on” and more “clarifying spelling/pronunciation because you don’t want to screw it up”.

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    16. Bruce*

      This seems like a bad idea as something to say when you first meet someone. I’ll compliment someone I know when they are rocking a new hair style or a great outfit, but only once they are familiar enough with me to trust that I’m not being a letch… and the comments are for their style, not their basic physical appearance. Complimenting someone you don’t know for their name seems weird…

      Reply ↓
    17. ElastiGirl*

      The rule I gave my on-the-spectrum husband whose understanding of appropriate social interaction can be nebulous:

      Never compliment a woman about her appearance or anything personal (like a name) unless you have in the past complimented her about something that has nothing to do with appearance (etc.).

      His puzzled response: “But that means I can’t compliment a woman I’ve never met before.”

      Yes. That is correct.

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      1. Bruce*

        He gets it! Yay! I can sympathize, my wife tells me I’m on the spectrum and as a long experienced teacher she has the standing to say so (also have 2 adult children on the spectrum).

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    18. sometimeswhy*

      I have never, not once had someone tell me my name was beautiful without making sustained, uncomfortable-bordering-on-inappropriate eye contact. Just don’t.

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  3. Artemesia*

    I love the answer re the ‘beautiful’ name. That succinctly sums up what is so wrong about comments like that that so many men don’t seem to get. They feel like they are just being ‘polite’ or ‘nice’ and fail to frame it as ‘would I saw this to a man’. You don’t relate to a colleague as a woman if you are a man or as a man if you are a woman. But as a colleague – so no remarks about pretty names or muscles.

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    1. allathian*

      Yes, this.

      PSA to all the men out there, once again, if you couldn’t imagine yourself giving a compliment to a man you work with, don’t give that compliment to a woman you work with (with the caveat that someone’s appearance may or may not match their gender identity, I’m using woman/man here for brevity). All professional women I know, myself included, would prefer to be complimented on our work rather than on any personal characteristics like
      our appearance or name.

      But a great litmus test for all men out there is that if you wouldn’t say something to a man at work, don’t say it to a woman at work.

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    2. Managing to get by*

      I am a woman with an uncommon name and I used to get the “beautiful name” crap all the time when I was younger, at work and in social settings.

      I just sucked it up at work, but when I was out with my friends I’d turn it around. “Bob! that’s such a pretty name, what does it mean?”

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    3. Edwina*

      Right after I finished reading the AAM letters for today, my colleague complimented me on my outfit because I’m wearing a dress with pantyhose and heels (he didn’t use those exact words, but close to it) – I usually wear pants. I know him well enough that I’m just amused and rolling my eyes. I’m not at all saying that it’s OK to say that sort of thing to a colleague, but that was my genuine reaction this time.

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    4. Alan*

      “Would I say/do this to a man?” has been my metric many, many names. And I *have* told male colleagues when I thought they looked especially sharp, or had gotten a great haircut. I’ve had people tell *me* that they loved the colors I was wearing or they liked my haircut. But usually for women I won’t because it just seems so fraught. Better to err on the side of not creeping people out.

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  4. AnotherSarah*

    In OP4, why do you think you’ll “get in trouble”? Who’s going to get you in trouble? What does “getting in trouble” at work mean? Or do you see “a woman is upset with me” or “a woman is irked by something I said” or “I made a woman feel uncomfortable” as “getting in trouble”? The framing of the question as one of you “getting in trouble” rather than doing something inappropriate or that’s unlikely to land well may indicate that there’s some real rethinking to do about whether you see women as full people and agents or as disciplinarians doling out capricious punishments to men.

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    3. Smithy*

      So well put. Because even workplaces that wouldn’t necessarily condone this practice – I don’t actually see someone getting a formal written complaint regarding this.

      I can see this harming relationships with the coworker in question or others who may hear this or hear of it. I can see that making work for stiff and formal and less relaxed and collegial. Even in a case where perhaps it is reported, I see the conversion likely being more along the lines of mediation as opposed to disciplinary.

      So it’s genuinely a question – what is the trouble the OP is concerned about? Or perhaps is this more a case of the immediate way this person considers making conversation with women and finds pivoting to other small talk topics difficult or work they’d just rather not invest time in.

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    4. juliebulie*

      That was a beautiful comment – and I’m not just saying that because your name is “Sarah.” The “disciplinarian” part of the question went right over my head. Thank you for calling it out.

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      1. AnotherSarah*

        Haha yes, it’s true that I rarely get “what a beautiful name!” Someone above wrote “scold” as the attitude OP seems to have about women and I think that fits as well.

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    5. Lyudie*

      I read it as “get in trouble with the ‘woke’ crowd because you can’t say anything these days” but that might be uncharitable of me.

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      1. AnotherSarah*

        Same, or with the woman in question. But my original question still stands–what is “getting in trouble”? Having someone irked at you is not getting in trouble. Getting written up/fired/sat down with HR (maybe) is getting in trouble. Having people upset at you is part of human relationships and if the OP frames it as punishment, that’s not great!

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  5. Workerbee*

    LW #4 with the “Can I tell a female worker that she has a beautiful name when we are introduced or will I get in trouble? I’m a man.”

    In addition to what Alison said: The thing is, LW #4, this “female worker” has already heard every variant of compliment upon her name. People commenting on it will be nothing new to her – and neither will a “man” like you.

    P.S. It’s okay to call human females “women” or just, you know, “colleague.”

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    1. Meat Oatmeal*

      That question made my skin crawl! But I’ve got to say I think “female” is fine when it’s used as an adjective and when it’s important to the meaning of the sentence.

      He used “worker” as the noun, which, yes, more of that, please! In the context he described, her being a worker is the important thing — much more important than her being a woman.

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      2. Pizza Rat*

        My skin crawled as well. Also, “worker” vs co-worker, though that could be because English isn’t the writer’s first language.

        “Is it okay to tell a co-worker I think her name is beautiful?” is a better way to phrase the question, but the answer is still, “No, that’s not appropriate work conversation.”

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    2. wow*

      I have a name that frequently gets comments, albeit mostly from other women. Trust me, it gets really old even without gender politics concerns. People are NOT original

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      2. MyNameIsNotJane*

        Ugh, so true. I have a name that’s not particularly unusual but you don’t hear it very often. It is also similar to a name in a song by The Beatles and I can’t even count how many times a man has sung the opening line of this song at me, usually followed by “I bet no one has done that before!”

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    3. Momma Bear*

      I agree. Most of the time a man saying “females” just makes my skin crawl. Adjectives are okay in context, but gents, please stop using it solo.

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  6. 80s Baby*

    Please just don’t comment on anyone’s name. I have a slightly unusual name (that is very specific to the era I was born in) and in my customer service job, after I introduce myself, people sometimes say things like “oh, I was going to name my daughter that but then we had a son!” or “that’s my granddaughter’s name!”

    Um? Okay? Good for you? I never know what to respond with when people say that to me, and it just takes the air out of the whole interaction. Just don’t comment on someone’s name. Keep your thoughts in your heart.

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    1. Last tiger of Tasmania*

      Sorry but this really seems excessive. This is not similar to the scenario in L4. Someone is just trying to relate to you in a completely harmless way. It costs nothing to smile, say “oh that’s neat” and move on. It really bothers me the way people online try to make others terrified of saying anything, no matter how well-intentioned. The fact that you feel awkward about this type of comment or don’t know what to say to it does not mean it should be banned from human interactions.

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      1. Jill Swinburne*

        If you get it a lot it gets really annoying. My real first name features prominently in a song you’ve definitely heard, and the number of times people have referenced it..! (Do they think they’re the first and I will congratulate them on their wit for making that connection?)

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        1. Roland*

          Referencing “my sharona” or something is very different from a personal anecdote. The entire point of annoyance of “having heard it a million times” does not apply at all.

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          1. Lacey*

            Yeah, I have a name that often invites the “my sharona” type of comment (or just the same annoying jokes) and that’s entirely different to me than the (rare) occasion when someone says, “Oh I have a daughter named [name]”

            Which sure, is unimportant to me, but it’s just a connection point, like when people tell me they used to work in the town I live in or that their cousin is also a graphic designer.

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            1. Yankees fans are awesome!*

              Yep. My first name is found in a popular 1960s-era song, and, at a former job, whenever a particular co-worker would walk by, he’d singsong my name. Every. damn. time, for almost two years.

              versus

              People I meet casually with the same name who ask me how I spell my name (and I ask them) because it can be spelled a million different ways; my own is not the usual way. It’s a fun moment in life.

              Sheesh. It’s not deep, fam. Live a little, and stop assuming the worst.

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          2. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

            Ha, I actually have a friend named Sharona who was born a year before that song came out, so her parents can’t be blamed. For years, she went by Sharon or Shari casually because she was so sick of that song. It is a bit of an earworm even if it’s not your name, so I can’t imagine how irritating it would be if it actually was!

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        2. Bella Ridley*

          There’s a big difference between people names Rhiannon or Sharona or Michelle or Barbara Ann complaining when a new acquaintance sings to them versus someone saying “That’s my niece’s name!” The first is attention-seeking, the latter just sounds like someone trying to make a positive connection with a stranger.

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          1. Jill Swinburne*

            Yeah, that’s true. I guess I was more making the point that people with unusual names (or, in my case, famous ones) usually get a lot of comments on it, and so even though it’s absolutely reasonable for someone to use it to connect, it can feel very different on the receiving end, especially when you’re not really sure how to respond. I’ve given up bristling about it; I just say ‘yes, like that’ and move on.

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        4. Tarpeters*

          My first name is homophonous with a cartoon character known by the sobriquet “the Friendly Ghost” and, well, you can guess the rest. I do think it’s mildly irritating when people keep making that reference but I also understand that people mean well and aren’t trying to be jerks.

          Also it sometimes does lead to genuinely amusing moments, like when someone at a restaurant where I was picking up a carry out order repeated my name and said “it’s the friendly cat!” So close!

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          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            FWIW, that’s possibly a reference to an actual cat named Caspar who was a sensation for commuting. (Wikipedia page even.)

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        5. longtall*

          That brings back memories. A former coworker used to cringe when a sales rep would waltz into our office weekly and belt out Roxanne by The Police at the top of her lungs. Every. Single. Time. I don’t normally condone violence in the workplace but think Roxanne would have been acquitted had she taken action.

          Ugh now I have a brain worm.

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          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            My name is Ginger, and I used to work in an office with a Mary Ann. It took approximately three hours (one might even say a three hour tour of the office, groan) on my first day before we were both deliberately avoiding each other as much as possible to minimize the jokes, because everyone thought they were unique and hilarious.

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            1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

              It took me a good three hours to realize one day that my manager had sent two employees named Bill and Ted to go train together. When I finally put two and two together, I ran to his office and asked, breathlessly, “DID YOU SEND THEM ON AN EXCELLENT ADVENTURE?!”

              It was a genuine moment of bliss because neither of us had thought of it until just then and we both loved Bill and Ted, the movie and the employees.

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        6. Not on board*

          I figured out a long time ago that if a joke or song comes to mind when you hear a person’s name, they’ve probably heard it a thousand times so keep it to yourself. My husband goes by Jeremy because if one more person sings Jeremiah was a bullfrog….
          Also, had a customer whose name was Christmas. I never made a single comment about it because I guarantee she’s heard it a million times.

          The personal connection such as “my sister has that name” or whatnot is meant to connect with you and should be hopefully received with some grace.

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          1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

            I….would not pick Jeremy over Jeremiah. I’d rather get a chorus of “Joy to the World” than have to discuss the implications of the Pearl Jam song.

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            1. The Pet from the Resume*

              I think Jeremiah is unique and distinct and makes people think of the song about a bullfrog.

              Jeremy is just a common name and most people won’t immediately think Pearl Jam song.

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          2. Lady Lessa*

            A priest friend of mine chose the name “Noel” as his religious name, but I’ve heard him explain it’s not the holiday, but a martyr’s name.

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          3. Chas*

            This reminded me of a friend at a boardgame club who thought it was hilarious that I shared a name with one of the American cities featured in the board game we were playing. I heard a lot of things like “I lay rails… on YOUUU!” and “I hope no one else takes you over!”.

            We ended visiting America together and he insisted that we get a layover in the airport in that city, so I now own a lot of kitchy tourist souvenirs with my name on them.

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      2. hbc*

        I dunno, I agree that it takes the air out of the interaction. It’s not really a way to relate–“You are not the only person named Willemijn I’ve met” doesn’t drive a conversation any more than “I know seventeen other Bobs at this company.”

        To me, it tends to come across like commenting on someone’s accent. Pointing out a thing about a person that’s unusual to you is rarely a good opening move.

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        1. KitKat*

          I don’t know about that. If someone said “I was going to name my daughter that but then I had a son” I could:

          – Ask what they did name their son
          – Ask why they liked the name for their daughter
          – Share something about why my parents picked it
          – Say, “thanks, I’ve always liked it too!”
          – Not say anything in particular but enjoy that someone is going out of their way to be friendly to me

          Not everything is super high stakes, small talk doesn’t require natural transitions into deeper conversations.

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      3. juliebulie*

        Yeah, my father tells every restaurant server named “Emily” that his oldest granddaughter is named Emily. I’m sure that just makes their day. (He does not make similar comments to the servers named like my other nieces and nephews.) I want to tell him to cool it, because it’s silly. But it’s not like saying “what a beautiful name!” to someone who has to work with him every day.

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      4. Yankees fans are awesome!*

        Agreed, Last tiger… People can be a bit precious over the most inconsequential occurrences.

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      5. Carmen*

        I totally agree!

        I also feel like social interaction has turned into a huge point of anxiety for people. I see comments like the one above and I realize that, yeah, if I was nervous about annoying someone for trying to make small talk about their name (or insert any other topic) then I’d also be anxious when faced with any type of social interaction too.

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      1. Tiny Clay Insects*

        Shortly after I was hired in a teaching position at a college, when my department chair mentioned his wife’s name, I exclaimed “oh, cool, that’s my dog’s name!” I am cringing thinking about it.

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        1. LaminarFlow*

          I would be greatly honored to know that I share a name with someone’s dog! Or really any animal they have. Even more honored if they intentionally named their pet friend after me!

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      2. Constance Lloyd*

        I did once just barely stop myself from telling an older woman, “That’s my gerbil’s name!” I don’t think she would have found that complimentary.

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        1. Mx. Snuffleupagus*

          Personally I would be delighted if someone told me their gerbil had the same name as me, but I acknowledge that I may be in the minority.

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      4. Lenora Rose*

        I used to have a cat with the same slightly unusual name as a friend… and slightly different pronunciations (think French vs German; I even spelled the cat’s name with an acute accent when I had the means to do so easily). I know *three* ways to pronounce the name, so it took a couple of tries to remember human friend’s name was German version not English version, because all I could remember for sure was it was NOT French version.

        But I didn’t mention this as my reason I double checked pronunciation more than once to human friend until I’d known her a few weeks and knew she would take it in the spirit intended.

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      5. iglwif*

        I love people names for pets, but yeah, that’s an issue sometimes! Our dog has a people name, chosen by my daughter, and when I met someone in my congregation whose human child has that exact name — first and last! — I had to be very careful not to blurt out “That’s my dog’s name!” because I am very sure it would not have been well received.

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    3. Tau*

      Eh, I have a name that is not super common but still well-known in my home country, but much less known in English-speaking areas, and back when I lived in the UK I semiregularly got people I met commenting on it saying it was cool. I never really minded that and often responded by talking about where the name was from, so it worked pretty well as a conversation starter. “Never comment on someone’s name at all” seems a bit too strong a rule for me. (Although I can see how it could get irritating in a customer service position! But then again, the culture where I’m from doesn’t really do small talk in service jobs.)

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      1. allathian*

        Yes, this! I’m in Finland and I have a very common name that’s been around for millennia. In Catholic countries it’s also fairly common as a middle name for men. Between the ages of 17 and 25 I worked in various retail jobs. Never once, not once, did anyone ever comment on my name, not even to say something like “Oh, that’s my (female relative/friend)’s name!” and my name’s so common that unless you’re a total hermit in my area, you’re going to know someone with that name, probably several someones at that.

        Here a standard transaction goes something like this:
        Cashier: Good morning/afternoon/evening!

        Customer: Good… (although not responding at all is not considered unforgivably rude)

        Cashier processes the purchases while the customer packs them, nobody generally says anything unless there’s an issue with a product.

        Cashier: That’ll be XX euros, thanks/please. (I generally shop in Finnish, and there’s no exact equivalent for the word please.) Usually said with a smile if the customer is making eye contact with the cashier, if not, a neutral expression is fine.

        When I worked retail, most people paid cash, a sizable minority used credit/debit cards and a tiny minority paid with a check, and checks are no longer considered legal tender here. Now the vast majority pay with contactless card/phone transactions. The customer generally says nothing if everything goes as it should.

        When the shopping has been paid for, mutual thanks and goodbyes are exchanged. It doesn’t really matter who says what first.

        Sure, there were some flirtatious middle-aged men who wanted to talk more than that when I worked retail, but there was no obligation to engage. Usually these went away when I started to serve the next customer.

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        1. Just Another Cog in the Machine*

          I think it would be much less likely to comment on someone’s very common name than their unusual one. I wouldn’t expect anyone to say “Oh, my brother’s also Jacob” (recently one of the top 10 names in the US, I think), but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone commented “Oh my gosh, my sister’s also named Tangerine!”

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    4. MK*

      You do realize that the same logic can apply to almost any casual topic of conversation, right? No one is expecting a response for this.

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    5. Nodramalama*

      Eh. I have an uncommon name and people comment on it. I don’t mind at all. I think thats maybe your personal preference but not everyone’s.

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    6. The last of the Barbaras*

      I can relate! I am the youngest of the Barbaras, that name was THE most popular the whole decade before I was born but pretty much dies out with people my age. I hear men (my age, which is the key to the whole thing) tell me they love my name, and I always know its because they had a crush on a teacher, a TV star of our childhood, or its their mom or sisters name. I’m never offended, they get a laugh when I ask which one of those choices it is.

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      1. Morning Reader*

        My granddog is named Barbara. After Batwoman, I think. She’s only a year old so you are not the last!

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        1. The last of the Barbaras*

          hahaha Batwoman and Barbara Eden were the TV personalities I was referring to! All the Gen X men feel very sentimental about their TV crushes from childhood! LOL

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    7. PokemonGoToThePolls*

      Yeah I get stuff like this a lot, too. It’s awkward because I actually don’t like my name (just not enough to change it)

      “Beautiful name, I named my daughter that”
      “Thanks, I don’t like my name”

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      1. PokemonGoToThePolls*

        Adding I don’t actually respond like this except in my head (or if the person has already annoyed me for unrelated reasons), but just don’t compliment things that the person didn’t choose themselves.
        And if you can’t do that and really need some sort of small talk, there is always the weather.

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        1. Bossy*

          Ha cue the gazillions of complaints about ppl having the unmitigated gall to talk about the weather.
          I have a formerly unusual name, which actually did seem to have some racial dividing lines back when I was a child – though the name also is known in many cultures, like from Russian to Fiji. In fact a man from Fiji who worked somewhere I went when I was a teen told me about the name in his culture and the incredible story and meaning of it there, which was amazing. This name is now very popular among folks of all kinds of races. Which I kinda don’t love, but what can ya do.

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          1. Observer*

            Ha cue the gazillions of complaints about ppl having the unmitigated gall to talk about the weather.

            Yup. Small talk doesn’t have to be scintillating or even original. It *does* need to avoid being offensive or creepy, so nothing that sounds like it could be an attempt to flirt or that’s highly gendered. But But boring and perhaps trite? Really, totally not the end of the world.

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    9. cat herder*

      +1
      I have a very unusual last name that’s one letter off from a common (but not bad) English word. Every jackwagon who voices this connection to me thinks they’re as clever as the little jerks in elementary school who bullied me relentlessly for it. My eyes roll into the back of my head *every time* a new person brings this up to me, and it’s a main reason I want to take my partner’s name when we get married this year. It’s one of those gnat-at-a-barbeque annoyances that instantly shifts my mood, like being cut off in traffic, or missing my bus. Like, I was totally fine until THIS happened, now I’m actively trying to not let it sour my mood.

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  7. Niles "the Coyote" Crane*

    If you’re wondering whether it’s OK to say something to a colleague, and it is this far from necessary or even important that you say it, just don’t say it.

    And that consideration should be about the impact on the other person (“could it make her uncomfortable?”), not the impact on you (“will I get in trouble?”).

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    1. Nonprofit writer*

      I think this is the best response to this yet. If you’re wondering, just don’t say it!

      And your second point is excellent too.

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      1. Box of Rain*

        EXACTLY. When I was a mentor to new teachers, I told them, “If you’re wondering, ‘Is this okay to wear?’ as you’re getting dressed in the morning, the answer is always no.”

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    2. AlsoADHD*

      I mean… as someone with autism, that’s never a good check overall frankly. If every time I wondered if something was appropriate to say, wear, do, etc, I just assumed I was wrong, I’d never do anything. If that works for others as a barometer, cool, but I think even people with all kinds of brains sometimes wonder that about appropriate things. People write Alison “Is it okay to wear/do/say?” questions for stuff that is okay to! And plenty of people think stuff is okay that isn’t etc.

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      1. Paint N Drip*

        Agreed, I would worry myself out of doing most things. But I’ve done/said MANY things that did not flag an internal ? that inevitably ended up being outside the bubble of strictly appropriate

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      2. fhqwhgads*

        I agree with you more broadly and almost said something similar, but then I reread and the comment specifies (emphasis mine) “and it is this far from necessary or even important that you say it”. And that does change my reaction a little. If you’re not sure if the thing is important or not (or if you’re sure it is important), then questioning is still very much on the table. But if you are sure it’s not necessary or important, and it’s something you’re wondering about saying to a colleague, I think “then just don’t say it” is probably an OK barometer. But these are definitely “and” criteria, not “or”.

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      3. Observer*

        If every time I wondered if something was appropriate to say, wear, do, etc, I just assumed I was wrong, I’d never do anything.

        Yes, but I think the key thing is the qualifier – that you know that it’s totally not necessary or important.

        And plenty of people think stuff is okay that isn’t etc.

        True. But not really relevant. The idea here is *not* that there is a “SINGLE simple rule” that you can follow that will keep you out of trouble. But rather that if you break this rule you will be highly likely to get into trouble while following it will help you avoid *some* problems.

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  8. CJ*

    Re Alison’s answer to #4, I kinda want to push back on the “would you say that to a man” test. I must’ve missed a social lesson somewhere, because as a cis (admittedly queer) guy, I would in fact say that to a man, or woman, or NB/GNC individual – and have, to all three categories! So if the answer is supposed to be “don’t say that sort of thing”, a test that relies on neurotypical gendered social cues is…not great?

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    1. Magdalena*

      The OP was asking if it was OK to say to a woman. So on some level he knows the coworker’s gender matters here *for him*.
      That’s why the advice is to see it as “would I say it to a non-female coworker or is it just my female coworkers I’d grace with this compliment?”.

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      1. fhqwhgads*

        Yeah, the gender is already part of the context and part of the question. If the same question were asked by someone who omitted both their and the gender of the potential comment recipient, then that bit of the answer would be completely irrelevant. But when the asker is clearly already factoring in specific genders, the juxtaposition in the asker’s line of thought is relevant to highlight.
        It’s not a test that relies on gendered social cues. It’s a test of “am I considering doing this because of someone’s gender? If so, stop.”

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    2. Meat Oatmeal*

      That’s an interesting point. I wonder whether the answer is “don’t say that sort of thing” or “don’t treat your coworkers differently based on their gender.” I thought it was the second, but now that I reread it, I’m glad you brought that up.

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      1. Observer*

        I think it’s both.

        The latter is coming up a lot more here, because it’s highly likely that this particular LW is acting based on gender.

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    4. Ellis Bell*

      I totally see what you mean, and think it’s absolutely possible to have relationships where you can say that, and in contexts where people know you’re being even handed. I also think it’s possible to be someone who would only say this to women, and never men, and every woman in that scenario knows that’s the case and that they’re getting applause for performing femininity (and that’s the best case scenario). So, I think it would be lovely if none of us had ever experienced any of those gendered social cues, but we have to the point of creating sore spots. Women can’t even meet a professional network contact for coffee without weighing up how many of these cues are in play because so many of them are actually dates. Some women’s professional lives consist of being complemented on anything particularly feminine and it’s all “You look amazing in your Linkd In photo” and “You really know how to plan a good Christmas party” and “Can you talk to them? You’re so good with emotional situations”. These are things that wouldn’t ping a man’s inner alarm when you say them to him, because they don’t have double meanings when you say these things to men. I think if anyone wants to compliment a woman’s name in a professional setting, (and I love my name being complimented, so there’s that) they may at least want to avoid the word “beautiful”, which for better or worse, has connotations. I would ask myself why are you really complimenting it? Is it the right word? Sometimes it’s absolutely fine, and other times it feels like another beautiful thing we have to be, another beauty standard to meet.

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    5. bamcheeks*

      The “would you say that to a man” is actually a really important test, though.

      If a guy wouldn’t say that to another guy, it’s because he perceives that the other guy might hear it as insulting, demeaning, flirtatious, inappropriate, and he doesn’t want that to happen. That might be because he thinks the other man might be able to create actual negative consequences for himself (might impact his social relationship, might have actual material consequences on his salary or career, might even get violent), or simply that he cares about not disrespecting another man and making him feel bad.

      If he’s fine with saying it to a woman, it means he a) he expects women to just absorb men’s insults, demeaning, flirting, inappropriateness as a matter of course; b) he doesn’t see her as a person capable of being insulted, demeaned, and that her consent to flirtation is irrelevant; and/or c) he doesn’t see her as important enough to enact consequences (usually, let’s face it, all three.)

      That is specifically what make the objectionable compliment objectionable: it’s often less to do with the specific wording or what’s being complimented, it’s specifically about the fact that it’s a display of hierarchy.

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      2. bamcheeks*

        (adding that whilst I’ve focussed on gender this obviously goes for other “complimentary” displays of hierarchy too– any kind of compliment that comes from a place of, “this makes me feel good and I don’t think you’re important enough to care whether it makes you feel good” is obnoxious.)

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    6. Alicent*

      Women have to put up with all sorts of micro aggressions and flirting at work without complaint or pushback because otherwise we look “sensitive.” I’ve had all sorts of borderline things said to me as a cis woman that my cis male coworkers wouldn’t dream of saying to a male-presenting coworker because they are in fact a way to hold slightly more power over me (or feel like they do) or to test the waters of flirtation. So much also depends on tone and it’s challenging to say something about a woman is SPECIFICALLY beautiful without coming across as reducing her to her physical characteristics when she’s basically a stranger to you.

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    7. Lacey*

      I think if you’re the type of guy who would say it to a man – it’s going to come across very differently than a man who would only ever make that remark to a woman.

      I’d also generally tell men not to comment on women’s clothing at all, but I knew a guy who always complemented people’s sneakers. It was gender neutral appreciation & it always came across that way.

      Or on the flip side, I worked with a lady who loved sneakers and both men and women would complement her on her footwear because they knew she was excited about it.

      So… if the answer is, “Yes, I’d complement either gender on their name” it’s generally going to be fine. I have known one person who just was sexualizing literally everyone around them, so yeah, if you’re doing that, there’s a bigger problem. But mostly, just be gender neutral in the workplace and it’ll pan out.

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      1. Alan*

        Well said. I think it also depends on the pervasiveness of the comments and whether your comments are specifically targeted. If you compliment a woman every day, that’s a lot different from a one-off. Or if you regularly compliment different people, that’s very different from consistently complimenting one person. People are awkward. We sometimes say/do inappropriate things inadvertently, even with good intentions, that make other people uncomfortable. People will take it in the overall context of what they know about you.

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    8. hbc*

      It’s less about whether everyone neurotypical would know “that’s not something to say to men,” but more whether you personally apply it universally. If you honestly would say, “Nice to meet you, Aurelius, and what a beautiful name you have,” then you’ll probably* not come across as sexist when you say it to Aurelia.

      *Only probably, because we’re talking about first introductions here. Aurelia’s likely had a lot of men who comment on her beautiful name and proceeded to make more and more clear that it was the opening salvo in flirtation and/or condescension, and she doesn’t know you’re not one of them yet. But the test is at least a good first filter.

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    9. Andromeda Carr*

      You have said, “What a cool name!” to people of any/all genders, or “What a ~~~beautiful name~~~, Beauuuuutiful,” to people of any/all genders? The connotations are somewhat different. Also/more importantly really, what Bamcheeks said. The issue is in the hierarchical difference that always exists because we live under the weight of our society’s history.

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    10. AlsoADHD*

      If you would say it to anyone, then you’re in a different mindset than the LW suggests. But I think if you’re struggling with social cues due to neurodivergence (I’m autistic and ADHD so I get it, if so), you might apply different tests and advice than what is offered in this context. Context is key!

      I think compliments of someone’s name aren’t always 100% problematic (in every context ever, from every individual) in every workplace. Most social rules can’t be fully distilled that way, and that’s the challenge.

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    11. Mid*

      The test still stands actually. It’s not based on any social rules, it’s internal. If you call people’s names beautiful regardless of their gender, race/ethnicity, or other discriminatory lines, then you’re good. If you only call women’s names beautiful, or only names you consider “exotic” (shudder), then you’re not.

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    12. Hyaline*

      I mean–then I guess the answer for you probably is “yeah, it’s fine to say that!” :) I think it’s one of many small tests that can help us gauge appropriateness–would I change what I do or say if the person was not this gender, not this nationality, not this age…and if so, why? If it’s a squishy answer or “because it would be weird to say this to a guy/older person/American/whatever” then that tells you something. (Here, referring to the LW’s specific question–I wouldn’t, probably, use “beautiful” or “pretty” to compliment a man’s name, and that tells me something. I would say “what a cool name!” or “I really like your name” or similar with either.)

      I don’t, personally, think that the answer here is “never, ever compliment a person’s name.” But this LW seemed to think there was something particularly gendered about doing so, and posed the question that way, and used particular phrasing, not “is it ok to compliment people’s names?” which says a lot about how the LW is approaching the situation (plus their “get in trouble” wording which is a whole other set of warning bells).

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    13. Anonymoose*

      Women notice if people make comments or touch only one gender. I have two coworkers who have regularly touched me, and one only does it to women. In that case my boss told his boss that he needed to stop, and we did it this way to keep me anonymous and he was less likely to do it to any other women because now he was aware that women had noticed and complained (he had also done it to my boss in the past). The coworker who touches everyone also happens to touch arms more than backs and sides (i.e. the inappropriate toucher gets near the chest) and I’ve told him that I’m not a touchy person and he respects that.

      If the answer to “Have you also done this with men?” is yes, then trust me that women have noticed.

      Having said that, I do agree with the suggestion that compliments are for things that we can change and we shouldn’t compliment something genetic or where we had no influence. Compliment a haircut and not hair, or compliment an outfit and not the body.

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    14. HannahS*

      I think people are trying to get the LW to understand both that his intent matters and that the impact does too. Knowing your context (Queer social group with lots of people with chosen names? Totally white work meeting with one black guy and he’s the only one complimented on his name?) also matters. It’s not just about your own identity, intent, and behaviour, but about how others receive it.

      And it’s important to remember that cis guys–even if queer–can engage in misogyny, because misogyny isn’t only based on attraction.

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  9. Roland*

    I’ve gotten the “beautiful name” comment a lot and it never bothered me from a sexist pov really (at most it was just othering when it felt like it stood in for “wow your name is foreign”). I guess because I get it from men and women, probably more from women. But this letter did make me realize that I can’t imagine it’s being said to men very often.

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    1. Meaningful hats*

      I did once tell a man that I loved his name, but that’s because his name was Robert Robertson (like, actually) and my young, stupid self blurted it out without thinking.

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        1. Paint N Drip*

          am I totally out to lunch for non-ironically loving the music he puts out? even when it sounds like wEEEyyyyseoouuuuurnr

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    2. Why does my name keep getting forgotten?*

      Yes, Alison’s response got to me because I realized that a) I’ve never thought of the comments being made to men, and b) it’s mostly women that comment on my name. That’s given me something to think about!
      I get comments all the time, and have occasionally found the same thing as Roland, of it being a stand-in for “foreign”. Sometimes I can also tell that people mean “it’s a weird name”. :( One person just said “oh” when they heard my name and made a face.
      But, mostly, the comments seem genuinely positive and I’m used to them since it happens all the time – I’m not savvy enough to remember to use a fake name or middle name at Starbucks, etc.

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      1. Tau*

        I’m realising that one of the reasons I never minded name comments back when I got them was because for all the implication was “that’s a foreign name”, well… I was foreign! Not going to feel offended about you pointing out the obvious when the accent is right there! I can see how it’d land differently and feel much more othering if you’re part of a minority group where you are.

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        1. Why does my name keep getting forgotten?*

          That’s definitely true. My parents moved before I was born, so I don’t have an accent myself and we’re all white. But for those who are BIPOC and part of a minority group where they are, that must get tiring quickly.
          I love my name and my parents chose it carefully to reflect culture and values, but if I take a day off and go to places I’ve never been to before, like a new spa, coffee shop, and take out restaurant, I can get comments on my name at every one of those places. And it can be tiring for me, and as you pointed out if someone was part of a minority group where they were and had the comments landing differently, that must get really exhausting.
          All this to say, there’s a lot wrapped up in names and while people can chose their own new name or go by a nickname or middle name, there’s also a whole lot of reasons why someone may not want to do so and why they shouldn’t have to (see again, I love my name).

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      3. shep*

        The “oh” resonates. I (a woman, which I mention since it may have bearing on this interaction) have an unusual name that my parents picked out from my dad’s country of origin, and when I was answering phones at a previous position (years and years ago, though I could still imagine it happening today), the person on the other end (an older man who may have been hard of hearing, but not THAT hard of hearing, because he could understand every other word out of my mouth) kept going “What? WHAT?” in the most annoyed way when he asked me to repeat my name.

        Finally, even though it’s a phonetically VERY easy name and I’m pretty sure I even broke it down for him in all of its [TWO] syllables, he just went, in the most dismissive way ever, “WHATEVER.”

        It was so insulting I just laughed about it after I hung up, because what else do you do?

        That said, usually I get the, “Oh, what a pretty name! I’ve never heard it before,” and that’s totally fine with me–it opens me up to be able to talk about my ethnicity in a “safe” way for people who may’ve not had much experience with it before (my dad’s country of origin is one of those often demonized in the media, which is gross and unfortunate).

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    3. LadyAmalthea*

      It’s one of those situations where 1 quick comment is fine, but it can get weird REALLY quickly.

      I got name comments all the time from older women, even though I’d guess 1/4 of girls born between 1978 and 1985 have the same name, because it was their mother/grandmother’s name, and, as my girls are named after their great grandmothers, too, they get similar comments.

      Interestingly, it was women, rather than men, who tended to comment.

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      1. Allonge*

        1 quick comment is fine, but it can get weird REALLY quickly.

        Because everyone thinks they are that one comment, but it adds up to the person hearing it five times / hour.

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    4. Knope Knope Knope*

      I had the exact same response as you. Everyone comments on my name, regardless of their gender and it never struck me as sexist.

      That said, OP is thinking about sexism in a troublesome way with the “trouble” comment.

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    5. Tae*

      I’m in the same situation, a feminine uncommon name and I get the “beautiful/pretty name” A LOT. I’ve been trying to think if a man ever said it and I can’t remember it ever happening. Usually it’s other women. I’m finding this conversation really interested because I never thought about it much, since it’s usually said as an offhand comment and I just say “thanks” and never think about it again. Not sure I would have a different reaction if a man said it or not.

      I do also get asked sometimes of where my mom came up with it and when I say she just heard it on TV that kind of takes the wind out of their conversation because it’s not a very interesting story.

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  10. Ship of Thesaurus*

    I’ve said some variation of “Hey, I really like that shirt!” and “that’s a cool accessory!” to both male and female coworkers before. I make sure to do it sparingly and keep it to something they’ve chosen for themselves.

    I had no idea that women in the workplace might take that comment differently than I intended, and this might be a blind spot for me as a gay man. Should I stop saying variations of this to coworkers of any gender?

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    1. Daria Grace*

      Generally complimenting things people chose like their shirt is much safer than less weird than commenting on attributes they did not choose like their name. I have never been bothered by male colleagues complimenting cool shirts I’ve worn.

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      1. HiddenT*

        The general rule of thumb is not to comment (positively or negatively) on anything a person can’t change within five minutes. Clothes/accessories? Totally okay. Physical features? Not okay. Makeup? Usually okay (some exceptions). Names? Not usually okay.

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        1. Allonge*

          Exactly.

          It’s also different if it’s done the first time you meet (LW’s question was about when they are introduced) as opposed to in a longer relationship where you have other information about each other.

          If someone wears interesting clothes all the time and responds well to compliments, that is a lot of info on how they will react to a ‘cool shirt’. If it’s the first time you meet, focus on the work part of life for a while.

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        2. Bitte Meddler*

          And even with things that someone can change with ease, what gets said still matters.

          “That’s a beautiful tie!”

          vs

          “That tie makes you look beautiful.”

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    2. Irish Teacher.*

      I think you are probably OK. A lot is context based, but a throwaway comment tends to be reasonable.

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    3. bamcheeks*

      Pay attention to the reaction! If you get, “oh thanks, yeah, I got it on holiday last summer!” and a grin, you’re fine. If you get a micro-frown and, “uh, thanks, so, back to the TPS reports,” ease off on the compliments.

      Personally, I don’t care so much about gender of someone who is complimenting me or what specifically they’re complimenting: I care about whether the vibe is, “just making cheerful small talk with someone I see as a person” or “weird power play”. If someone gets pissed off because their conpliment WASN’T welcome— even if you express it in the very slightest micro expression— that’s telling you that their compliment was actually not about you at all but about their view of themselves, and you were just being instrumentalised. It’s way less objectionable to me if someone gives me a conpliment which isn’t welcome, but reacts with an “oh shoot, I made her feel bad, my bad, that wasnt my intention” look if I don’t look happy about it.

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      1. Andromeda Carr*

        I care about whether the vibe is, “just making cheerful small talk with someone I see as a person” or “weird power play”.

        This is the key, I think.

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    4. Spooz*

      “I like” or “that’s cool” are not broadly romantic comments. “That’s a beautiful name” is a classic pickup line.

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      2. knitted feet*

        This! “What a beautiful name” on being introduced to a woman is almost beyond classic pickup and into cliche. It’s hard to interpret those specific words any other way, in all honesty. They ring totally differently from ‘oh, cool name!’

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    5. Agent Diane*

      I had a gay colleague compliment my boots. I had a straight male colleague compliment a different pair of boots. In both cases they were work friends and not in my management chain. Neither comment made me uncomfortable because in both instances I knew the guy had no interest in me as a woman. They just thought my boots were cool.

      The OP’s sexuality isn’t the issue. It’s their use of “beautiful” and their desire to say that word to a woman in a work context. It’s immediately introducing the idea of objectifying her in a way that my gay colleague saying “whoah, good boots!” didn’t.

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    6. Jezebel*

      I would say the only thing to watch out for is if the shirt in question is tight or low-cut, so she may think you’re making a comment on her body, not her clothing. If there’s a chance she may hear “I like that shirt” as “I like the way that shirt shows off your cleavage”, then don’t say it!

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    7. Box of Rain*

      “Hey, I like that thing you’ve intentionally chosen to express yourself” is WAY different than complimenting something they had literally nothing to do with. :) You’re fine to tell people you like their jewelry or tshirt or shoes.

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    8. iglwif*

      I think it depends? Shirts and accessories (and new haircuts and fun hair colours, too) seem to me to fall into a very different category from things the person has little or no control over. I have definitely told colleagues I liked their shirt, their hat, their necklace, or their new haircut, and I’ve received comments of this kind that have been totally fine.

      But also, there are different ways of telling someone you like their shirt — different ways of wording it, different tones of voice. Like, obviously big difference between [cheerful voice] “Hey, great [niche fandom] shirt!” vs [sleazy voice] “Nice shirt” [eyebrow waggle] vs “I like that shirt, it makes you look so much slimmer”.

      And in addition to the variations in how someone says the thing, there are of course variations in how the other person hears / receives the thing. And that will often show up in how they respond to you, like if it feels awkward for a minute and the person changes the subject, maybe don’t say anything to that specific person next time — but someone else might respond totally differently!

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    9. Office Plant Queen*

      If you’re complementing the object and not their body, you’re fine!

      “I like your shirt!” – fine

      “That necklace really brings out your eyes” – iffy, you have to know the person well enough to know how they’ll take it

      “Those jeans look great on you” – bad choice for work because it’s about how their body looks instead of the jeans themselves, plus a lot of people would interpret it as you admiring their ass

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    10. JessicaTate*

      The fact that you do it sparingly is probably the key. I did have to have a chat with a colleague, also a gay man, to tell him to knock it off. But it was because I realized that complementing my appearance was literally the first thing he said to me every. single. time. I’d shrugged it off until we were in a setting when he did it and I was surrounded by younger women in our field, and it struck me what a bad subtle message this was sending. That despite my seniority and accomplishments, the primary complement I got was being aesthetically pleasing.

      I had a private chat with him the next time I saw him (and he did it again, of course) to let him know it was a pattern and could he stop. He was shocked. But he stopped.

      Meanwhile, I also stopped complementing other colleagues’ clothes, shoes, look too. With the exception of a fantastic bag that I need to know the source of because I’m on a never-ending quest to find work tote nirvana.

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  11. Shipbuilding Techniques*

    #1, I really want to hear how things work out after becoming less available for anxiety processing. This sounds challenging; good luck!

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  12. Tiger Snake*

    #1 – step one is to stop having solutions. When she comes to you with a problem, start asking questions. Your end goal is to train her to analyse. Because your manager is right; it is an inexperience problem. Experience is gained by applying these, but you need to be taught how to do that.

    You break it down; what are the things you need to know before you can help? Ask her for all that, even if you already know the info. If she doesn’t know, tell her to go find out and then come back to you. And TELL her it’s not critical.
    Then we get to; what conclusion does that draw? Do it the same way again. Ask her what she thinks about points X and Y she just said.

    If you’re consistent and firm – and you can even say “before you come to me with a problem, I need you to do X, Y and Z”, then you train her to do the info gathering and start analysing. The burden fades away. You start asking her “okay, what approach were you thinking of” rather than telling her what to do. You start playing the role of ‘a senior who can give me affirmation’. And as times goes and she learns all of that, her need to get affirmation will come less and less.

    It is in fact very similar to how you’ve come to Alison and we’re offering suggestions. Here is a problem outside your wheelhouse that you’re unfamiliar with how to resolve, and we’re suggesting best approaches.

    I would also point out that it sounds like you need a SOP and a user manual. If you have one, point her to it. If you don’t, start getting her to build it as she’s learning this stuff.

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    1. KateM*

      It is not OP’s job to train her. Also, OP has tried asking questions:

      If I ask questions in response, she’ll jump in the second I finish my sentence and blurt even more about the problem, with a great sense of desperation.

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      1. Allonge*

        Yes, the approach above is ok for a manager (if they have the time) but too much to expect from a peer (maybe beyond a training / onboarding role).

        LW, I am wondering if you could also point out that her communication style is not helping. E.g.: hey, could you take a breath and answer my question? You are way too anxious about this – you are making ME anxious!

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        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Yes, OP could also stop Lily when she interrupts – hold up your hand, say, “Hold on, let me finish this thought first.” I agree that Tiger Snake’s advice is good for a manager but really not something a peer should be doing. In fact, OP’s manager *should* be doing this and the fact that he’s not means he’s probably not going to be a good manager for Lily. Honestly, the poor woman probably needs help from someone other than a manager to handle the kind of anxiety she seems to have, but that’s not something a coworker should be suggesting.

          Anyway, OP should take AAM’s advice and definitely deflect Lily back to their manager. I like HonorBox’s idea below to tell your manager you’re going to do this. Tell him that you are spending a lot of time dealing with Lily and you are worried because it’s drawing you away from your own projects and ask if it’d be okay for OP to tell Lily to speak to him and not OP whenever Lily has a question.

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    2. Despachito*

      Too much work for a non-manager.

      Being a bit of a cynic, I’d rather concentrate on the “not my circus, not my monkeys” approach.

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    3. Knope Knope Knope*

      That’s a lot of coaching and management to put into a peer employee. OP needs an environment to focus on their own job.

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    4. HonorBox*

      Nope. They are peers who started at the same time. It is not OP’s responsibility to manage this coworker. And while, based on the letter, it seems that OP seems to have their stuff together, they probably aren’t in position to have the expertise to ask the questions needed, provide the answers needed, or time to spend with this anxiety spiral.

      OP, in addition to redirecting your coworker to your manager, I’d also let your manager know that you’re doing that. Tell them you’re being asked questions that you don’t have the experience to answer yet, and that the questions are taking up X amount of time for you, which takes you away from other tasks.

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      1. Momma Bear*

        Agreed. OP should tell the manager that this hasn’t settled down. IMO it’s bad management to tell people to just ignore it when they bring you a problem, but given the response I think it’s valid to loop back after a while and say this isn’t improving.

        OP could also say, “Coworker, I understand this is distressing to you but in my experience this is not urgent. I am in the middle of x and y. If you need immediate support, you should go talk to manager or SME.” Some people truly struggle with identifying scope and urgency but that’s not OP’s to manage.

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    5. duinath*

      I agree with you on not offering solutions, but disagree with everything else.

      This is far beyond the scope of lw’s role, it is a lot of work that lw should not be doing, and the bit about having her build an sop and manual… Lw does not have that authority. It’s not up to lw what work their coworker does, or how they do it.

      This is stuff for the manager to think about. Which is why lw should do as the original advice said, and shuffle this right off their plate. Hopefully the manager will pick it up, but the main thing is to get it off lw.

      Sometimes it can be a great relief to know what is and is not yours to solve.

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    6. Antilles*

      Why would it be OP’s “end goal to train her”? Lily’s inexperience and anxiety around work isn’t something a peer coworker can be expected to solve.
      Even if OP was asked by the manager to help a little with training the new employee (and even *that* isn’t clear), the level of effort and investment you’re talking about is way beyond what that would normally entail.

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      1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

        OP may consider it an end goal to train Lily because it would get Lily off their back! But that doesn’t make it OP’s job, and OP should actually back up off the training/managing/emotional support for Lily before everyone decides it really is their job.

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    7. Also-ADHD*

      I think this is a good plan of action IF the boss is not onboard with you declining to support her. (We really don’t know the actual roles or workflows, so I think Alison’s plan of detaching is best, but that requires managerial agreement/role alignment to “staying out of it” more and if the manager says, “No you should be helping her in this manner”, this is a good fallback plan.)

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  13. Daria Grace*

    #2, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that, what a frustrating situation. It may be worth doing some thinking about whether this is more an isolated bad management decision that can be fixed or more a symptom of a broader culture you cannot. I used to be in a workplace that did sort of similar (sometimes stressful meetings multiple times a day where we had to justify how much work we’d gotten done since the last one). While we managed to convince them to reduce the meetings in hindsight it was a ginormous red flag to an unfixable culture of dysfunctional, controlling management that was harmful to employees that should have had me job hunting sooner than I did.

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  14. Daria Grace*

    #4, the best advice i ever got for compliments in any setting, not just professional ones, is to compliment things deliberately chosen by the person you’re talking to. “Great tattoos, who is your artist?” or “that’s such a fun t-shirt design” or “you have great taste in shoes” are probably fine. Complimenting unchosen things like someone’s name (they likely didn’t chose it and might not like it), height (no control over that) or weightloss (could be from illness or trauma) are not great choices, especially at work.

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    1. UKDancer*

      This is how I’ve always done it. You praise things people choose. So one of my team had a formal meeting with a supplier this week and was wearing a very good suit with a particularly stylish tie. So I checked he was ready and had what he needed and complimented him on the choice of tie.

      I do comment on names if they’re associated with babies but will do that whatever the name. So if you tell me you’re calling your baby Tywin Lannister Smith I’ll still say “that’s a great name.” Otherwise I try not to mention names or say anything about them.

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  15. Metal Gru*

    Letter 3 – go fund me for people who were laid off. I think this is solidarity theater, or perhaps a way of dealing with individual feelings of “survivor’s” guilt. People contribute to it and have done their part. I don’t think it is “condescending” as such; the extra money will no doubt be helpful, but I wouldn’t feel pressured to contribute. Remember it usually isn’t your (or anyone who survives layoffs) “fault” that you kept your job and others were less lucky.

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    1. Transatlantic*

      Exactly. I’ve worked in fields where layoffs were common, and the survivor’s guilt was awful. I’m happy to work in startups and very small orgs now, where I may be massively overworked but at least we sink or swim together.

      And with regards to areas to cut spending, unfortunately an organisation can’t always cut some kinds of excesses quickly, particularly overhead like unused building space which is generally subject to a longer term lease that can’t be cheaply broken. I hope the execs are foregoing bonuses even if they are not cutting salaries (yet). But if you want to rally your colleagues to organise a protest of some sort – do it! Everyone else may just be waiting for someone else to start it.

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      1. Smithy*

        As someone currently going through this in a nonprofit – it’s very real about the survivor’s guilt.

        I will say that our c-suite staff did announce that they took a paycut, and like many – we’re in cases where property we own would likely take months if not years to see. And we have very long leases on other spaces that we’re renting. And at the end of the day, none of that makes the situation feel so much better.

        I think a lot of people have been looking for places to be supportive, to feelings dump, and then also to avoid that. I know of some people on certain group chats that they’ve muted because while others clearly find comfort in talking about it a lot – others have found it harmful to how they’re processing.

        All to say – if this is making the OP feel uncomfortable and making others feel better – I do think that’s part of what can make these situations hard. We’re all dealing with a bad situation, and our preferred methods to get through this just aren’t the same.

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    2. Sloanicota*

      Yes, if it feels good and meaningful to you, do so. I would say there’s an issue if the nonprofit feels like they don’t *have* to offer severance *because* they know the other employees will start a GoFundMe; even a matching contribution from the company is kind of suss to me. But maybe some of the richest people still at the org are truly happy to give a meaningful amount to their coworkers, and this is a way they can do that. Sidenote: I don’t know that most nonprofits generally offer severance, unfortunately. The best I’ve seen is warning people a month out that their position is ending (or earlier if known earlier, like a grant ending), which at least gives them more time to job search, and maybe giving them the last one or two weeks off. That’s not really going to spare anyone a lot of hardship right now :(

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      1. Flat Margaret*

        The problem with severance at a nonprofit is, if the nonprofit is mostly funded by government grants, you are not allowed to use that funding for severance pay.

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      1. juliebulie*

        I thought that was a bit harsh!
        Having been included in a half-dozen layoffs over the years, I would have really appreciated a gofundme. But at the same time, and this is also based on experience, I would have advised them to save their money for the next few rounds of layoffs, because they might be next. :-(

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      2. Silver Robin*

        My guess is that they meant that the action is more about the performance of solidarity (this looks like I am helping people!) than actual solidarity, which is often less glamorous. When something is theater or performance, the actions are chosen based on how they make the cast feel, rather than how the recipients feel.

        In this case, LW 3 may feel like doing a fundraiser is too shallow or short-term of an action and does little to address the underlying problem (poor distribution of organizational resources). As such, it is a quick, easy way for colleagues to feel like they have “done something” without having to do anything about the situation that brought about the layoffs in the first place. My additional guess is that if leadership is promoting it or making visible contributions, it would grate even more because they were in a position to make the layoffs less necessary (but there is no indication that is happening).

        No judgement from me personally on whether this is or not, I can see it going both ways. Money is money and nobody is getting their job back any time soon, but poor fiscal management from leadership can be addressed through organizing to protect workers from unneeded layoffs in the future.

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        1. Smithy*

          Broadly speaking – I agree with what you said, but for this letter – I took the take of solidarity more so in relationship towards political action vs organizing to protect workers.

          While this may not be the case for the OP’s nonprofit, most of the nonprofits going through these layoffs are doing so because secured sources of funding are being terminated due to a change in the executive office. Which may have some historical president, but at the level it’s happening – it’s really not accurate to say this is about poor fiscal management or that more workers rights would necessarily help. For what its worth, a lot of these large nonprofit layoffs are also happening to people who work under other countries labor laws. And honestly, hearing how that goes in a place with stronger labor laws than the US – it’s been a learning opportunity about what it might be like, but it’s still happening.

          Reply ↓
        2. londonedit*

          Yes; I’ve seen things like this before, where people jump to ‘let’s organise a collection!’ as a way of feeling like they’re Doing Something, and then everyone donates money and feels like they’re Doing Something, and in reality it’s nice enough but actually nothing gets done. And logistically, how is this going to work? Will everyone just get an equal share of the cash? How will it be distributed? How many people are there – is it really worth it if they’re getting $100 each? That’s better than nothing, of course, but it’s not going to pay the bills long-term. Are people going to end up arguing that Jane should get more than Sally because Jane has kids and is paying off a mortgage, and Sally is single and renting? Raising money often feels like a good thing to do, but in reality it’s not going to help beyond being a temporary way of making people feel better.

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          1. Apex Mountain*

            “Raising money often feels like a good thing to do, but in reality it’s not going to help beyond being a temporary way of making people feel better”

            That doesn’t sound so bad if you’ve just been laid off

            Reply ↓
        3. Apex Mountain*

          I guess I don’t really see in this case what the colleagues could do that would be more effective. And whatever that is, it should be done anyway regardless of whether there’s a GFM. If the LW doesn’t want to donate that’s fine but there’s nothing wrong w/it IMO

          Reply ↓
          1. Silver Robin*

            Sure, it should be done regardless! But people have finite amounts of energy and saying “hey we should also put energy towards this harder thing that would be long term protection” often gets met with “but I already helped, why are you making me do more??” in effect if not in exact wording. If they are so willing to organize a collection, why are they not willing to continue putting in effort to stave off the need for such collections as much in the future? It make no sense if solidarity is the motive, but it does make sense if assuaging their survivors’ guilt is the motive. And so we come back to “theater” and “performance”.

            Again, an extra bit of money is still helpful to a degree and it is still a kindness, but the larger picture and dynamics around it can produce the frustrations seen here. We do not have quite enough details to make that assessment with any accuracy and there are so many factors that would tilt it in one direction or another (like the fact that so many nonprofits are going through brutal funding cuts) but situations like this are common enough that it is easy for me to imagine where this kind of frustration is coming from.

            Reply ↓
            1. Apex Mountain*

              I thought the motive was to help out the people affected by the layoff. But, there may be a disconnect between the LW’s thoughts on this and the rest of the staff who organized it. The “theater” part just sounds like it’s intended to be a dig, when I don’t think that’s called for here.

              But you’re right, we really don’t know all that much

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  16. Metal Gru*

    Letter 1 – anxious junior employee. Sounds like this is becoming disruptive to your own work and perhaps undermining morale in the longer term as you are spending all your time managing Lily’s problems and emotions (what’s the impact on your own timelines?). I would try once to encourage her to go to your manager, but I don’t think she will (maybe because “I don’t want her to see I’m failing, I’ll be fired, oh no, she’ll think it was a mistake hiring me…” etc). At that point if it continues I do think you should take it back to your manager and say something like: I understand your previous comments about junior employees and it gets better after a while, but this is excessive compared to others and there’s been no improvement after 4 months and it is having impact x on my own deliverables. Honestly I think your manager has dropped the ball here, “oh they often are like that but it stops after a while” is hardly proactive management, has the manager stopped to think about why??

    Reply ↓
    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I came here to say something comparable–your manager needs to step in here. His comment that the issue “would naturally go away as Lily became more experienced” could make sense for someone in a new role for a few weeks, but not after four months. I agree that it’s time to take this back to your manager, share that the problem is persisting, and emphasize that you recognize the importance of accomplishing your own work goals that your manager has assigned. Give that problem back to your manager to solve, where it belongs.

      When Lily asks for help again, keep repeating that you are unable to help and she should ask your manager. Avoid getting into a debate with her about why you can’t help, which would just drag you down again. Something along the lines of, “I can’t help you with that. Check with Manager.” As many times as needed.

      Reply ↓
      1. HonorBox*

        I think it is also worth pointing out that OP and Lily are peers who started at the same time. OP doesn’t have a year or two more experience. OP doesn’t even have a couple months more experience. There may be questions that OP isn’t comfortable answering because they’ve not yet gained enough experience.

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  17. Sparrow*

    LW #4: I’m trans and run in a lot of queer circles where complimenting people’s names is pretty common. And even outside of those, complimenting people’s names is definitely not unheard of, at least in my experience. So, to me, complimenting somebody’s name is not in and of itself weird or creepy, and I don’t actually agree with other commenters who think that it should be entirely verboten.

    But.

    When I’ve seen this done (or been on the receiving end of it) in a way that felt genuinely complimentary and not creepy, it was always done as a short, casual comment—just a quick “Oh, that’s a nice name!” before immediately moving on. You know the way you might compliment a male coworker’s new tie or fresh haircut? Like that. The specific phrasing of “you have a beautiful name” is something I’ve only ever seen 1) in response to someone explaining a sentimental meaning behind their name, 2) from older adults to young children, and 3) as an overt attempt at flirtation. #1 will almost never happen during a professional introduction, and #2 isn’t relevant here unless your industry employs shockingly young child laborers. That leaves #3.

    I suspect that you’re already aware this phrasing would have distinctly flirtatious connotations, given that you’re worried about “getting in trouble”. It’s interesting, by the way, that that’s your only worry, and not “Will this make people uncomfortable?” or “Will this make people think I’m flirting with them?”. It’s also striking to me that you didn’t use phrasing like “Will this have professional consequences for me?”; you used “get in trouble”, a very casual phrase (with childish connotations, I’d like to add) that implies anyone upset with you would be having an outsized reaction to something that isn’t really that bad. Combined with the “beautiful” phrasing and the fact that you specifically asked about saying this to women, it seems to me like the issue here isn’t really whether or not it’s okay to compliment people’s names.

    The real issue here is that you don’t view your female colleagues as actual professionals or, one could argue, actual people: you see them as potential romantic/sexual partners and as open season for flirting, and the question of whether or not that flirting will make them uncomfortable is irrelevant to you so long as you leave the interaction with your own reputation intact. The question of whether or not they’re even interested in you doesn’t seem to have entered your thinking—you’re asking if you can flirt with a woman the first second that you’re introduced to her!

    Men who are called on this tend to defend themselves by talking about successful workplace romances they’ve seen, or by sarcastically asking if that means that no one is ever allowed to meet their partner through work again. Obviously, no one is saying that. It is, indeed, fully possible to meet your romantic partner in the workplace. But, like any successful romance, it needs to begin with a solid foundation of mutual respect and mutual attraction—and if the second factor hasn’t even occurred to you, I guarantee that the first isn’t present, either.

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    1. Irish Teacher.*

      I would add, though your comment alludes to it anyway, that it is weird he’s planning this in advance. A normal comment on a name usually comes up in conversation. It would be a bit odd out of the blue.

      Reply ↓
      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        It reminds me of Mr. Collins in Pride & Prejudice planning his little compliments for the ladies.

        Reply ↓
    2. Account*

      This is so well said.

      “Wow, pretty name!” as a quick response to an unusual name is fine. “Your name is really beautiful…” (waiting for some sort of flattered response) is 100% not.

      It’s the kind of thing that annoying people might try to debate (“where’s the line??”) but it’s obvious to anyone who is considering it in good faith.

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    4. Mid*

      Also, within queer circles, it’s far more common for someone’s name to be one they chose for themselves versus the one given at birth, which I think is important context (am also queer/trans, as are most of my circle.) Also social events are different than work events. Largely because you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your coworkers. There’s an inherent layer of consent in friend spaces because everyone is choosing to be there and interact. That doesn’t mean workplaces can’t be friendly, but there is always a gentle layer of coercion at work, because most people are there because they need employment and health insurance rather than for fun.

      Reply ↓
    5. iglwif*

      Honestly I think the most frequent “compliment someone’s name” use case for me is “person has chosen a new name to go with a coming-out process”. Because like the shirt you put on this morning or the hat you carefully chose, that name is something you picked for yourself.

      Reply ↓
  18. Irish Teacher.*

    LW4, I think you are asking the wrong question. It shouldn’t be about whether you’ll “get in trouble,” but rather about whether it’ll make her feel uncomfortable or disrespected. Presumably, even if she said nothing but felt that she was being treated differently than men and that this might affect her chances of advancement or thought you were being creepy and she didn’t feel entirely safe around you, you still wouldn’t want to do it, right?

    Now, would she feel uncomfortable? I don’t know. It depends on how you’d say it, the tone, the context, etc. There is a difference between saying “I love your name. Where does it come from?” to somebody with a really unusual name and saying something like “a beautiful name for a beautiful woman.” And it also depends on your general vibe, how you treat women in general and how you behave when you say it and also on her past experiences.

    But really, if you have to ask, you know the answer. It isn’t something that needs to be said and if you think there is a chance it could make her feel so disrespected or uncomfortable or threatened that you think she might even report it, then…why would you say it?

    Reply ↓
  19. Despachito*

    OP4 – if you feel something might be off, it would be safer not to do that.

    I absolutely would not do it when first introduced because you do not know the person. Maybe later in the process when you get to know each other more, with the caveat that the knowledge may lead you to decide it would definitely be a bad idea.

    Framing it as “will it get me in trouble” does not sit quite right with me either because it focuses on YOU rather than on how SHE will feel about it. (If I exaggerate a bit, it may mean “I don’t mind making her feel bad if I don’t get punished for that”).

    Reply ↓
  20. Numbat*

    For whatever reason I would hear “lovely name” or “nice name” quite differently to “beautiful name”. There’s an intensity to “beautiful” that would feel quite odd.

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      It’s giving, “I’m way more interested in finding a technical loophole in “don’t call your female colleagues beautiful” than I am in their comfort and safety at work”.

      Reply ↓
    2. londonedit*

      Yes, I think there’s definitely a difference between ‘nice name!’ and ‘you have a beautiful name’. The second one definitely comes across as creepy to me. I think it’s the word ‘beautiful’ that does it. Just seems OTT, especially if you’re meeting someone for the first time. A breezy ‘Oh, I like your name!’ is fine, and then you move on and don’t mention it again, but ‘you have a beautiful name’ sets off my creep alarm. As would any repetition of the fact. And actually, what would set off the creep alarm even more would be if it wasn’t the first time I’d met this guy, and he randomly decided to tell me ‘you know what, you have a beautiful name’. Ugh ugh ugh no. Just sounds too much like a creepy come-on.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ipsedixitism*

        I agree with you, and I think there is also a nuance between “you have a beautiful name” and “that is a beautiful name”. Neither are good, to be clear, but the former feels like the woman is the subject of the word beautiful, and the latter more like it’s the name itself.

        But as many other commenters have put it so eleoquently, just don’t do it for multiple reasons.

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    4. Hyaline*

      It’s also pretty gendered–most people wouldn’t refer to a male attribute of any kind, names included, as beautiful or pretty. It’s intense and focuses on the feminine. Which add up to feeling weird in a professional setting in a way that “That’s a cool name” just don’t.

      Reply ↓
  21. Michigander*

    #1: I wonder if the manager will suddenly realise that the coworker’s constant anxious questions actually ARE an issue worth addressing once they’re being redirected to him every day.

    Reply ↓
    1. el l*

      Yes. And: OP is letting her hog the conversation, which let’s Lily dwell on the problem rather than solution.

      So, next time, say: “Do me a huge favor. Next time you need my help, Boil the problem down please to something that takes at most 30 seconds of normal speed conversation to describe. And then I can ask questions and we can go from there.”

      She’s spiraling. Don’t enable that.

      Reply ↓
    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      For sure! Manager needs to be the recipient of this onslaught in order to understand the magnitude of it. OP, this is not your burden to carry.

      Reply ↓
    4. iglwif*

      I bet they will!

      … but even if they don’t, at least OP won’t be getting 100% of the questions and anxiety anymore.

      Reply ↓
  22. Nodramalama*

    LW4 I don’t know what “in trouble” means. But in general, if you’re going to compliment someone at work, don’t use adjectives that are usually used to physically complement someone you’re romantically interested in.

    Reply ↓
  23. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    #1 Lily keeps coming to you because she’s too nervous to go to the manager and she knows you’ll respond, so ideally you stop rewarding this behaviour.
    You need to use your words to tell her to stop and that she is hindering your work. I’d also let her know you are discussing this problem with your joint manager.

    First I recommend going to him again and clearing a strategy, saying that her questions are an emotions dump interfering with your own work and show no signs of stopping. So is it Ok with him if you mostly stop answering and say you’re busy.
    He may copout again and say you must listen to answer any “important” ones, in which case get his agreement that at least when you are busy you can send her away to try to solve it herself, also to request she be more concise.

    Next, as soon you come the next day, tell her what has been agreed e.g. “You’ve been here 4 months now, so manager and I have agreed I need to get on with my own work, which means I’ll raise my hand to stop you when I’m too busy. WE need you to first try harder to solve minor issues yourself and only then ask me concisely”
    Knowing you have discussed her with the manager may in itself make her back off.

    Ideally, every time you see her approach put your hand up and say “Sorry I’m too busy to help at the moment. Please go to ManagerName” but if he said you must filter out the rare important question then hand up and “Briefly, please”
    If she ignores this and continues to ramble, my patience would be exhausted so I’d turn away and resume my own work. (maybe you can tell that I’ve had to do this – and it works)

    Reply ↓
  24. Justin*

    re: female names and colleagues, I learned a while ago that even if my impulse is innocent, folks can feel uncomfortable, so the only things I compliment on are things like, say, “wow I really like that jacket.” Because, that’s a choice, and it doesn’t REALLY refer to their body (I know you wear a jacket on your body but it’s not like saying “I really like those jeans girl”), and people tend to appreciate their new clothes being complimented. I tend to compliment new hats/glasses/shoes, too. The random way I learned people like things like their glasses being complimented was my dermatologist getting really excited when I noticed her glasses when I was a teenager, and I was like, “oh, that was nice, she felt nice.” BUT to be clear I do this to male colleagues too! Which is sort of the point.

    Reply ↓
    1. londonedit*

      Exactly – there’s no inherent problem with complimenting someone, but it all depends on the way it’s delivered and the tone. I don’t think anyone would have a problem with a colleague saying ‘Nice jacket!’ or ‘Love the hair!’ or something like that – just a one-off, breezy comment that you’d say to anyone, any gender, any situation. There’s a big difference between that and a man saying to a female colleague ‘You know what…you have a really beautiful name’ or ‘Hey…really love those jeans on you’. It’s all about the tone and the delivery. I also definitely agree with others that there’s a big difference between complimenting something someone’s made a choice about – ‘Nice jacket!’ or ‘Ooh, love the green shoes!’ – and complimenting something about their body. I said the same further up, but a one-off ‘Oh, nice name!’ is fine. Singling someone out for a ‘You have a really beautiful name’ comment crosses the line into creepy.

      Reply ↓
  25. Justin*

    re: micromanager, as Alison asked, does he truly have that much time? When I started my current job, my boss on my first day said, “I’m not a micromanager, I don’t have time to be,” and, he’s right. It instantly made me realize that being micromanaged at my previous job was because…. they just had way too much time on their hands!

    Reply ↓
  26. Apex Mountain*

    I think it’s perfectly fine to say sometning like “Oh, cool name” or similar when you are introduced, but 1) using the word “beuatiful” and 2) planning it in advance make it seem you’re trying to flirt or hit on her.

    So for those reasons I’d skip it and just say “nice to meet you”

    Reply ↓
  27. el l*

    OP2:
    Be ready to leave, internal or not. Because this will warp what’s normal for you if you stay too long.

    Reply ↓
  28. Journey of man*

    The fact that the letter writer is planning to say “beautiful name” AND needs to ask is the problem. If it was spontaneous it wouldn’t be creepy. But he’s thinking about this too much.

    Reply ↓
    1. Mid*

      No, it’s annoying at best regardless of if it’s pre-planned or not. Spontaneity doesn’t negate sexism.

      Reply ↓
    2. Paint N Drip*

      Spontaneous wouldn’t be AS creepy, still has potential.
      In my opinion this letter has similar vibes to the recent letter with OP desperately arguing for permission to ask his coworker out

      Reply ↓
  29. DJ Abbott*

    #1, Lily’s anxiety might be from something in her home life, not work. That level of anxiety sounds similar to what I experienced coming from an abusive family. My anxiety level was off the charts when I was young, but I didn’t know it because I had never experienced anything else.
    Keeping in mind that the anxiety is probably not really about the work might help you keep some distance. It’s hers to manage in the long run, and your boss’s job to help her in the short run.

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    1. Hard truths*

      Seconding this. Once, someone told me to my face “your anxiety isn’t something I can manage for you.” They said it kindly, and I took it to heart and changed my ways (with therapy.) I respect them and, more than a decade later, I still appreciate the reality check.

      Reply ↓
      1. Andromeda Carr*

        Heartily thirded. When I read this I felt for Lily — I was very anxious in my twenties for personal and sociopolitical reasons — and even more so for LW#1, because it is absolutely not your job to manage her anxiety. Anxiety emerges from emotional levels where logic cannot cure it.

        Consider this idea : would it help to suggest to your boss, and then have, one brief conversation about this? You’ll have to be clear that the issue from your POV is that trying to find solutions for Lily is taking away from your time and ability to do your job, not that she’s “too anxious to work” or any other nebulous summary of the issue. Be as concrete as possible about issues and solutions. All good luck!

        Reply ↓
    2. Also-ADHD*

      Is Lily actually identifying she’s anxious? To be fair, she also might NOT be anxious but operate in a way that makes other people anxious, frankly. She does sound anxious, to be fair, but I always think it’s a bit tricky to assume that. Lots of people talk fast, seem very upset and intense, and aren’t actually that anxious–they’re just more intense in their approach (and they need to learn to tune it down still, but assuming anxiety if they haven’t said it can be counterproductive).

      Reply ↓
      1. DJ Abbott*

        They may not be aware of how anxious they are.
        Maybe tell her she seems anxious and see how she responds.

        Reply ↓
        1. AlsoADHD*

          I wouldn’t tell but ask personally. But as I said, I wouldn’t assume anyone’s mental state that way without them asserting it. It leads to marginalizing them rather than addressing the issue. The issue is the behavior appears as anxiety to LW and makes LW anxious to be around, which is fair to address!

          Reply ↓
    3. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Leave out trying to diagnose, just tell her what you want her to do: i.e. stop interrupting your work with trivial questions and verbal dumps, just ask concisely if it’s urgent or after she’s tried all options to find the answer herself.

      Reply ↓
  30. Yorkshire Tea Lady*

    OP4:

    My real name reads female, but since I left home and went to Uni, I don’t use it, and use a gender neutral-to-masculine abbreviation (think Sam instead of Samantha, although it’s not).

    In my previous role, I was our organisation spokesperson on certain topics, usually after doing all the PR work beforehand (small charity). We did pretty well getting national media coverage, so one day I shared a piece I was particularly proud of with someone. This is how the conversation went:

    “But they called you Sam, not Samantha”
    “Yes, because that’s the name I use professionally. They’ve told us the article has had XX hits already, and syndicated, it’s going to reach millions”
    “But Samantha is such a pretty name”

    My own mother was more bothered they hadn’t used my full name, rather than congratulating me on a job well done, and awareness for my organisation raised.

    If I was annoyed by my own mum (who I loved dearly) ignoring my professional skills but concentrating on my name, how do you think the woman you’re talking to is going to take it?

    Reply ↓
    1. londonedit*

      Ooh, yes, this also absolutely touches on something that was bugging me about the whole ‘you have a beautiful name’ thing. You’re totally right that when a man is meeting a woman in a work/professional capacity, that interaction is and should be firmly about her as a professional. Just as it would be if it’s a man meeting another male colleague. If you’re introduced to ‘Mirabel, our senior project manager and the lead on the Smith project’, and your first response is ‘Hi Mirabel, you have a beautiful name’, that’s not good because the first thing you’re doing is reducing her to ‘attractive female’ rather than ‘professional project manager’.

      Reply ↓
  31. Sloanicota*

    #5: I don’t know how this can be addressed in a cover letter super well, but both there and in interviews I think I’d be careful to avoid the framing “this was my dream job, but since this happened I’m now job searching” – even if that’s true for you. Some probationary positions are suing / have been reinstated with backpay, which is great for them, but the new hiring manager probably wants to hear that you want this job more than that old job and aren’t likely to disappear if something like that happened. I assume that’s why the suggestion to drop “unfortunately” in your proposed sentence. In general I think less is more. Focus on what you learned there and why you think it will help in this new role. Sorry this happened to you, and good luck.

    Reply ↓
    1. Also-ADHD*

      Yes, it’s fine to say it was a non-performance termination under these circumstances, for context, but if you look like you’re grieving it too much, other employers will be wary too.

      Reply ↓
  32. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    #2 Maybe this will help, maybe it won’t (both technologically with your software and psychologically with your boss): litter your change history with noise. Reformat section headers, add extra carriage returns, leave parenthetical notes, placeholders, and comments, rotate the ordering of a multiple-paragraph section. Treat your documents like a fidget toy.

    The point of this is not to make it look like you are doing more work, but rather to soak up your supervisors time and attention on meaningless, ephemeral things.

    Reply ↓
    2. Mid*

      I had the same thought. This could also be a good time to use something like Grammarly to make meaningless changes all over.

      Reply ↓
  33. A*

    3: “If people were serious about showing some kind of solidarity, I can’t help but feel that we’d be talking about a different kind of organizing (a work stoppage with a set of demands about getting rid of the overpriced, mostly empty office building or inflated executive pay before we lay off staff, for example).”

    The perfect is the enemy of the good.

    Reply ↓
      1. A*

        The LW needs to be absolutely sure their demands to leadership is something they can actually do.

        The LW needs to be absolutely sure that whatever they are promising they will do (not work/quit their job) is something they will actually follow through.

        It sounds like the LW is spitballing ideas of things that feel more impactful than a GoFundMe and that is a fantastic jumping off point.

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  34. Anon Fellow Fed For This*

    Regarding #5, I know the federal government loves to use the term “service” and you may be applying to jobs where there are more likely to be people familiar with federal employment, but I would fear that someone skimming the cover letter might mistake “service” for being in the military. I might go with “less than one year in that position.”

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  35. Morning Reader*

    I think LW4 has already done this and “got in trouble,” i.e. somebody told him he shouldn’t have, and he’s checking on the reaction.
    Personally, I think Valentina Warblesworth is a lovely name, but I wouldn’t say so when first meeting her in a work context. Might mention it later in a getting to know you casual conversation.

    Reply ↓
  36. CzechMate*

    LW 4 – I think context matters a bit here–for example, if a woman who also happens to be physically attractive says her name is “Jessica” and you say, “Wow, that’s a beautiful name” it comes across as flirtatious. This might be a little less the case if a woman says something like, “My name is Chitrāngadā and I was named after a princess in the epic poem Mahābhārata.” Even then, it might be more appropriate to say something like, “Oh wow, that’s so interesting” (if they’re volunteering the context and background).

    If in doubt, it never hurts to say, “Nice to meet you” and move on.

    Reply ↓
  37. HigherEdExpat*

    Regarding #3 – I think this is missing information that would inform my response! Is this a nonprofit that is losing federal funding (or even a secondary or tertiary federal funding source – contracts that have some federal funding at the back for example)? That would make the idea of a strike in solidarity less viable, as that money isn’t coming back for at least 4 years. is it trying to recession proof itself to conserve funds early? Also not actually bad. There are less ideal/more nefarious reasons to cut staff, of course, but we don’t know enough here.

    Reply ↓
    1. TPS Reporter*

      I work in what sounds like a very similar environment as LW3, maybe we work for the same place. In a large organization, depending on your role, there is so much going on that you’re not going to be privy to or have a voice in institution wide decisions. the best you can do is fight for transparency- ask questions in any forum you get about about why decisions were made (i.e. to cut staff instead of doing something with the building), what is the long term financial plan for cutting costs without cutting staff. You can even lead working groups to come up with ways to cut costs.

      Reply ↓
  39. Apex Mountain*

    I don’t see the problem with the Go Fund Me for the laid off workers. No reason to donate if you don’t want to but there’s nothing wrong with it. You can still fight those bigger battles if that’s where you’d rather spend your energy

    Reply ↓
    1. Also-ADHD*

      Honestly, I think the real issue is the GoFundMe should be widely shared (outside of the org, where it can only be supported by others in a tenuous position) and it sounds like it isn’t? I don’t understand the notion of employees “organizing” against a nonprofit that’s cutting jobs likely because of the political turmoil and having funding cut. Many of my friends are losing contracts or nonprofit jobs, and it seems not to be the fault of the nonprofit organizations but of the U.S. political administration.

      Reply ↓
  40. tuxedo cats are the best*

    LW5: Make sure you put in the cover letter that the position has been permanently eliminated. Sadly some former federal employees are being told that they are not getting jobs/interviews because the private sector thinks we all are going to get rehired by the government.

    Reply ↓
  41. The Petson from the Resume*

    In addition to the likelihood of only describing a woman’s name as “beautiful” I suspect it is most likely a foreign / exotic / unusual name that will be described as beautiful. So no one, man or woman should upon meeting a person tell them their name is beautiful.

    Why should a man not say it that to a woman they meet at work … it’s othering, it’s flirty, it’s not something they chose for themselves so it’s not even complimenting their choice, it has nothing to do with work and is an veering very much into personal compliment on a trait that person did not pick.

    It’s inappropriate, but if the LW “got in trouble” for it, I bet he has a pattern of saying inappropriate, borderline flirty things to coworkers at work.

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    1. Czhorat*

      This is an excellent point; “you have a beautiful name” can live at the intersection of sexism and xenophobia.

      If the speaker is in America I guarantee that the “beautiful name” isn’t “Jennifer” or “Mary”; it’s probably a very common name from a different culture which the LW is exotising.

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  42. Definitely not me*

    #1 – there is absolutely no reason you can’t NAME the problem with your coworker. You can do it kindly and gently, but naming it may be the most effective thing you can do to actually help her become more professional. To use a silly analogy, many years ago when traveling with a friend, she commented that I was slurping my soda each time I took a drink from the can. I hadn’t even realized it, but I was so glad she told me because I realized how annoying it was! Try telling your coworker something like this: “Oh, geez, it’s not worth getting worked up over. I notice you seem very anxious when you come to me, and that makes it hard for me to offer any help. So let’s take a breath and discuss it more calmly, okay? It’ll make things so much easier — you’ll see!” That way you’ll not only be naming the problem but modeling a healthier approach to her.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      That’s actually a nice idea, particularly if OP is going to take the advice given and change the way they interact with Lily moving forward. It’s nice to give Lily a heads up that this is going to happen and why by naming the issue explicitly.

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    2. EventPlannerGal*

      I agree. I was definitely a bit of a Lily in the past, and I think that my anxiousness was inherently quite self-centred. I was worried about *my* work and how things going wrong might affect *me* and how *I* simply had to fix whatever the problem was or else *I’d* get in trouble etc etc etc – I didn’t think at all about how often I was interrupting other people or how much I was stressing them out, and it was a real wake-up call when my boss called it out. Definitely name the problem, because she may well be in that same mindset.

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  44. Amber Rose*

    A man at a workplace training event once told me I looked like some famous actress.

    Did he get in trouble? Of course not, what would he even get in trouble for, nothing he said was harassing, rude or technically inappropriate. But he made me wildly uncomfortable because what am I even supposed to say to that? Thanks for focusing on my appearance during this work exercise?

    So I guess the question is, what do you want to gain out of commenting on someone’s name, or appearance, or anything about them? You’re not making those comments for them, you’re doing it for you, so what do you think you’ll accomplish?

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    1. TPS Reporter*

      that’s my main issue with these kinds of statements at work- I don’t want people focusing on my appearance in this setting (especially people who are attracted to women and are likely hitting on me). I mainly want to have the focus be on my performance, my ideas, what I’m saying.

      I’m fine with co-workers I feel comfortable with over time complimenting something like a new haircut or outfit. It’s usual a very casual pleasant comment that doesn’t tip into the territory of flirting/harassment.

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  45. ReallyBadPerson*

    I’m getting serious Mr. Collins vibes from LW#4, thinking of all women as “elegant females” rather than individual human beings. The fact that he’d even need to write a letter to AAM about this banal topic shows his thinking that women are an alien species.

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  46. Veronica*

    The only way I wouldn’t feel weird about a co-worker calling my name beautiful is if it was immediately followed by something that made it very clear it was a personal connection to the name and not actually complementing me. Like “oh, that’s a beautiful name, that was actually my grandmother’s name” or “if my son had been a girl we were going to call him Veronica.”

    Outside of that, it feels weird and flirtatious! Especially because my name is uncommon but not rare, so people often already have a distinct association with my name – they know of a character with that name, or they just have a vague mental image of what someone with my name is like. Which means that unless they’ve actually met someone with my name before, they are usually going to associate it with being beautiful/sexy/very feminine. I don’t want to be thought of those things at work. So on top of it feeling flirty, if a coworker I’ve just met says my name is beautiful, it can feel like they’re bringing too many expectations of what I’m like

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  47. howlieT*

    I just feel like the only times i’ve heard comments on my (relatively unusual) name it’s like, registering at a library or a doctor, “Oh that’s a pretty name” is what you say to fill time whilst looking someone up on a database not something you say to a colleague

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  48. preach*

    on the can i call someone’s name beautiful – i read somewhere (may have been this column) some great advice for when someone asks what’s appropriate for a male to say to a female coworker. ask yourself “would i be comfortable saying this to another man in prison”. if the answer is no, then don’t say it. ez breezy.

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    1. bamcheeks*

      the “in prison” part of this is basically instrumentalising the threat of rape — it’s pretty gross.

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  49. mcm*

    OP #3 – I don’t think this is a solution for current laid off workers, but I think the type of response you’re pointing to suggests that this would be an excellent time to start talking to your co-workers about unionizing! A union will give you and your coworkers more power in the future should something like this happen, and in general more power in negotiating the conditions of your workplace. There are lots of trainings and resources online to help you get more information about the process and potential benefits of unionizing. You can set yourselves up to have a structure to engage in some meaningful collective action in the future, should a similar situation arise again. And even if it is, as some other commenters have suggested, a situation that would be unavoidable due to funding changes, having a union gives you more options as workers, which sounds like it’s a major frustration in this instance that there are so few options of what you all can do.

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  50. merida*

    LW #4 I couldn’t help but notice the wording of this question – “will I get in trouble?” The answer is probably no, you wouldn’t get “in trouble,” but why not instead ask yourself “would I want people to compliment my name? Would it feel good or not if someone said it to me?” Either way I don’t think complimenting a name is a terrible offense that should always be avoided, but I also don’t really know if it’s necessary either. To me, the bigger concern this brought up is that some men are, apparently, walking around work thinking “will this get me in trouble” rather than wondering if that’s how they’d want to be treated at work. Those are different guiding principles.

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  51. OhGee*

    LW 2: malicious compliance, as others have suggested, seems like the perfect way to handle your Elon Musky manager

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  52. H.Regalis*

    LW1 – There’s nothing you can do to lessen or fix Lily’s anxiety. I get the impulse to help—that’s my kneejerk response too—but there is nothing you can do that will make this better. This is something Lily has to solve for herself. You need to stop helping her, cut off her anxiety dumps, and redirect her to your boss. You will probably feel like a huge asshole doing this, and she will get more upset and might even cry. You need to ride that out. She’s going to be equally as anxious whether or not you try to help. You are her coworker and it’s not okay for her to try to rope you into her managing her anxiety.

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  53. Delta Delta*

    My actual name is one shared by someone who was very very very very well known. Many people like the name. I also like the name.

    I often get, “oh, my grandmother/sister/mother in law/favorite classics professor was named Delta” when I meet someone. I have chosen to be graceful and say, “then I’m in good company!” or something similar. Then I pivot and ask them something about themselves. I call this “conversation.”

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