do I need to give my rude, difficult employee more positive feedback?

by Alison Green on March 12, 2025

A reader writes:

I recently started a new job where I manage two employees. One of them, “Carol,” is challenging to work with. I’ve learned that some candidates even withdrew from the role I now hold because they couldn’t see themselves working with her.

While I generally get along with Carol, managing her is difficult. She can be loud, boastful (sometimes claiming credit for others’ work), and occasionally rude, making snarky comments to colleagues. She admits she’s not a morning person, but on some mornings, her mood is so sour I feel I need to walk on eggshells. She doesn’t hesitate to interrupt others with her own questions, which I appreciate in terms of initiative, but she often responds curtly to volunteers or colleagues who interrupt her.

A manager training session shed more light on her personality. Her Emotional Control score on a personality assessment was zero, which the facilitator described as indicative of deep self-esteem issues. I was advised to praise her as much as possible, though it may never feel like enough. I’ve been trying, but it’s exhausting — it doesn’t come naturally to me, and I worry about sounding insincere.

Carol has mentioned attending therapy for job-related stress and anxiety, which I’m glad she’s addressing. I agree that her struggles seem rooted in low self-esteem. Do you have any additional advice for managing someone like Carol? I want to support her growth, but being direct with her is tough due to how sensitive she is.

I’d caution you against putting too much weight on personality assessments (which are generally pseudoscience, although they might be helpful in giving you the words to articulate patterns you had already noticed on your own) and instead urge you to focus on giving Carol clear and concrete info about what you need her to do differently.

Given the problems with Carol’s conduct, focusing on building up her self-esteem is not the right strategy, and it will steer you away from the type of feedback Carol urgently needs.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t make sure you’re giving sincere praise to employees. Of course you should — with all of them, and it’s worth being extra intentional about it when you know someone thrives on that form of recognition in particular. So when you write that praising Carol’s work doesn’t come naturally to you and feels insincere, I want to know more about that. Does it feel insincere because she’s not actually doing a good job, or because you’re uncomfortable praising employees in general? If it’s the former, that’s a sign that you really, really need to be tackling the performance issues … whereas if it’s an across-the-board issue you have with other employees too, that’s something you’ve got to work on to be a better manager (more on that here).

But regardless of the answer to that, it definitely sounds like you’re not giving enough feedback in the other direction, because these issues with Carol are persisting and you said it’s tough to be direct with her because of how sensitive she is. As a manager, you cannot allow the fear of an employee’s reaction to get in the way of you delivering important feedback about their work (or conduct); that would be neglecting your own job in a pretty fundamental way, and it’s unfair to to the other people who have to work with Carol. Frankly, it’s also unfair to Carol herself, since it means that she won’t have the opportunity to hear what she’s doing that’s alienating people and harming her reputation and which could even get her fired someday. (You might not fire her over what you’ve seen, but that doesn’t mean her next manager won’t. It’s a kindness to be direct with her.)

Moreover, being able to take work-related feedback is a job competency like any other. You (hopefully) wouldn’t throw up your hands about someone who was, say, bad at meeting deadlines or produced work littered with serious errors. You’d address those problems head-on, because they’re clearly connected to the person’s ability to perform the role you’ve hired them for. You can — and should — have the same sorts of expectations around taking work-related feedback professionally. You can’t not give it just because Carol is sensitive.

So: it’s time to tell Carol very clearly that she cannot be rude or snarky, her mood cannot be so disruptive that people feel they need to walk on eggshells around her, and she cannot respond curtly to people who interrupt her. If she responds poorly to hearing that, address it head-on, right then in the moment: “What’s happening right now is part of what concerns me. I need to be able to give you feedback without you becoming upset. Being able to take feedback professionally is part of everyone’s job here, and being able to do it is crucial to your success in your role.”

From there, you need to manage her much more closely. If she’s rude or making people feel they need to walk on eggshells around her, pull her in for a conversation right then and there (“This is what we were talking about — what’s going on?”) and hold her accountable to behaving appropriately. Don’t excuse it just because it’s apparently been excused in the past, or because you worry about how she’s react if you call her on it. You’re her manager, which means you’ve got to manage her.

If you’re not praising her for things she genuinely does well, that’s something you’ve got to change on your side too. But it sounds like there are much more pressing issues to deal with first.

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{ 133 comments }

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  1. Amber Rose*

    Maybe she has self esteem issues and maybe she doesn’t, but that’s her issue to deal with and not yours. I am side-eyeing hard at any kind of training facilitator that’s advising you make it your problem by essentially treating her like a small child.

    Encouragement is good, and sincere positive feedback is good, but pretty much every child ever can tell you that participation awards are BS and a lack of constructive criticism leaves you unable to progress.

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    1. duinath*

      Yeah. Let’s also keep in mind that this kind of assessment most often is based only on what the person assessed says, and not often done by a person with relevant experience or education.

      In this case I can’t tell whether Carol was involved in this, but in general I can say that how we view ourselves can be very different from how we behave.

      I find it very odd that a person who is comfortable interrupting others but takes it badly when she is interrupted is being viewed as “low self esteem”. This type of behaviour usually would be seem as indicating the opposite, but most importantly it is rude and unprofessional.

      Focus less on her inner landscape, and more on what is and is not okay to do at work. Her inner landscape is for her, not for you, to deal with.

      Your focus should be more on how taking credit for other people’s work is unacceptable, you can’t be so explosive in your moods that people feel nervous around you, and you need to check your rude comments. When she does well, praise her for it, and be specific, as you should with anyone.

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      1. Zahra*

        Oh, I can see interrupting others as a low self esteem strategy. It can be a way to prove (to yourself or others) that you (or your opinions) have value. Similarly, getting interrupted means that you or your opinions aren’t important. Not saying it’s true, but it can be her subconscious internal dialogue.

        Regardless, it’s rude and unprofessional.

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      2. MsM*

        I get the feeling Carol’s particular brand of low self-esteem manifests as defensiveness. Hence the jumping to take credit for anything she thinks she can claim credit for, and going into conversations with others prepared to treat them as the enemy rather than collaborators. That’s for her and her therapist to sort out, though. OP’s job is to keep the team running smoothly, and that means making it clear to Carol that why it’s happening is ultimately less important than the fact it needs to not be happening.

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        1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

          I had a temp coworker like this; he was older and very insecure about me joining, and turned into a nasty, bullying figure. Unfortunately, the only way of dealing with him was to wait for his contract to expire.

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      3. Observer*

        I find it very odd that a person who is comfortable interrupting others but takes it badly when she is interrupted is being viewed as “low self esteem”. This type of behaviour usually would be seem as indicating the opposite,

        In my experience, it could be either. A lot of behavior linked to low self esteem looks just like behavior linked to overly high self esteem.

        For example the dichotomy in her reaction to interruptions could be too high self esteem, because HER time is soooo much more valuable than everyone else’s. But it could also be Low self esteem because the only reason that someone would be interrupting her is because they think she’s stupid and her time is not valuable. Both are reactions divorced from reality that lead to bad behavior.

        Now, I have no idea whether either of these reasons are what’s driving her, as I can think of a lot more scenarios. But it’s just useful to realize that bad behavior of this sort can come from either place, or anxiety or other issues. Which is why it’s generally better for a manager to not even *try* to figure this out. Because all of the potential underlying issues are things that the manager can’t really deal with anyway. All the LW and any other manager stuck with a person like this can do is to manage the *behavior*. And if they do see some concrete evidence of a specific issue *maybe* they can suggest talking to an EAP if such exists at the workplace.

        Focus less on her inner landscape, and more on what is and is not okay to do at work. Her inner landscape is for her, not for you, to deal with.

        100% I would only change to say to not focus at all on her inner landscape. The focus should absolutely be on her behavior. I like your suggestions.

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    2. epicdemiologist*

      Also as someone who has raised 3 children, I’d like to say that you do not reward behavior that you don’t want to see more of.

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      2. Sloanicota*

        Yes *and* … it was really when I was trying to train my dog that my overly-critical attitudes really caught up with me. You don’t reward behavior you don’t want, yes, but our trainer made it clear that I needed to be rewarding the heck out of behavior I *did* want to see, and that there should be a roughly 2-to-1 ratio of positive comments to negative ones, because you want the dog to engage and keep trying. I really had to wonder why it was so hard for me to keep it positive in training. “He should just know this by now, I don’t want to reward it,” was something I struggled with. This kind of opened my eyes to a whole attitude I hadn’t realized I was dealing with. (None of this to say that Carol doesn’t need to be managed out).

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    3. Antilles*

      The first sentence, exactly. It doesn’t really matter *why* Carol is being an unprofessional jerk, all that matters from a work perspective is “stop being an unprofessional jerk”.

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      1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

        This. Carol is done being raised. OP can train her to do the job. OP can guide her to understand the cultural norms of their office, in the same way OP or any good manager would help employees succeed in the work environment.
        OP can’t step in as an ersatz parent who gives her the hugs she never had.
        Which is making the assumption that this is even the case. The same pseudoscience that is attributing Carol’s assholery to childhood issues is using giant assumptions to “fix” her. Stop being an asshole.

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    4. Snow Globe*

      Not only are personality assessments unsupported scientifically, the idea that a training facilitator thinks they are the person qualified to diagnose someone as having “low self esteem” and *then* they provide that assessment to someone’s manager? What???

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      1. amoeba*

        True. (Although if Carol is actually in therapy for job-related anxiety, there might at least be something to it – but that should be between her and her therapist and not OP’s job!)

        That’s not to say that it isn’t a good thing to praise genuinely good work, and if OP isn’t doing enough of that across the board, it might indeed be helpful to increase it. But – for everybody, and for things that are actually good! And definitely don’t avoid correcting Carol’s bad behaviours out of fear of upsetting her.

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        1. Jellyfish Catcher*

          Carol uses “hurt feelings” (fake or real) to stop managers or coworkers from calling her on her behavior.
          She has “trained” others to not upset “poor Carol.”

          First time you have to meet re feedback, o set out more time, and state what we need to discuss. Have a glass of water ready.

          If she does the “sensitive” behavior, calmly state that successfully dealing with feedback is a normal requirement for any job; take a minute to collect yourself, hand her the water and calmly sit there to wait it out for a good 10 minutes (only the 1st time).

          If all is lost, tell her you will have this same discussion (within 1 week) and expect her to to be able listen and successfully receive feedback, as it is a very important part of her job.
          Then…..

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      2. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Yeah, honestly, I wouldn’t trust anything that trainer says. I hope OP’s bosses/company don’t operate that way and that that one trainer was just an aberration.

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    5. Admin 22*

      She’s going to feel blindsided after receiving positive feedback to addressing behavioral issues. love Alison’s advice. The OP needs to find a balance of correcting bad behaviors. Her behavior doesn’t just affect your team but other co-workers she interacts with. The OP can also address she needs to cut the snark and rudeness completely. If she does it to the wrong person she could find herself without a job. The OP’s request could save her job if she follows through. She may benefit from some Customer Service Training. Your coworkers are also customers. If she causes a poor relationship with another department; she may not be the only finding themselves in the dog house. Her requests for help, etc., could be ranked lower in their eyes. This reflects on the manager & their team.

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    6. Not that other person you didn't like*

      Yes! OP, your employee’s self esteem and stress and therapy are none of your business. Even if the employee mentions feeling stress or attending therapy, it’s still none of your business. It’s infantilizing to focus on unwarranted praise and inappropriate for a boss to decide to help someone with their self esteem… that’s for the employee (who is an adult) and their therapist to work out.

      Your business and your role are to provide clear direction and feedback, including on how you expect your employee to comport themselves in the office. If they are unable to do so because of a medical issue, that’s what FMLA and ERPs are for. You aren’t doing them any favors by not being clear and direct about your expectations.

      Sure, you want to manage based on the personalities your employees have (quiet or loud, introverted or extroverted, humble or ambitious). But, RUDE and STEALING CREDIT are not personalities.

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  2. Sloanicota*

    Focusing on your own stuff, OP – I know in my household growing up, praise wasn’t much of a thing. Good conduct and high achievement were pretty much expected. That’s one reason giving praise/compliments (and feelings language in general TBH) feels “fake” “unnatural” or “awkward” to me. I also struggle to apologize. But this is totally something you can work through! You can cultivate a grateful habit of thought where you frequently call out positive things people are doing as you notice them … although forcing yourself to give more compliments than you want to someone you may not feel is deserving sounds like the wrong way to get started. I had to start really small, like starting more interactions with a positive even if it was like “I really like those shoes” and working up to “you handled that client perfectly, I’m so glad your on our team.”

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  3. Cnoocy*

    Is it an option for her to work a shifted schedule so she’s starting and ending her day later? It’s not the entire problem, but that’s an accommodation that could make the rest easier to deal with.

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    1. cat mom x2*

      how is that fair to anyone who else who works? “being cranky in the morning” is not something you should be able to get an accommodation for unless it stems from something medical. like i sure don’t like getting up early either but i do it and i treat people well because that’s what adults do.

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      1. Glitsy Gus*

        If it doesn’t impact others getting their work done, why is it unfair to let employees have minor accommodations that just make life a little easier? I mean, if every other person must punch the clock by 8 and she doesn’t, sure, that might not play well, but if it’s a standard office and it won’t make things hard for everyone else, why force a regimen that isn’t necessary?

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        1. Saturday*

          Yeah, if this person is being offered a later schedule because she makes life difficult for everyone when she’s in earlier, that could seem unfair to someone else who would like a later schedule but has been treating people better.
          But if the flexibility can be offered to everyone, then okay.

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        2. FD*

          Agreed. If it’s something that can be offered to everybody, then it should be–not because of Carol specifically, but because it’s just a smart thing to do.

          My job gives us a range of when we can start our jobs and expects that we just put in in eight hour day on average and it’s nice; I’m a morning person, so I’d prefer to take the earliest possible option, but some of my coworkers take the later option.

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        3. Workerbee*

          Because in this specific case, Carol has been making a career out of being generally unpleasant all day long.

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    3. Boof*

      I think it’s up to carol to propose if that sort of accommodation would actual be helpful to her – and also who knows if it’s really an option at all

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    4. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      No, it’s not the manager’s job to suggest accomodations. If the employee asks for them for a reason then sure, a discussion can be had.

      But ‘this person is hostil in the mornings and generally unpleasant the rest of the time’ cannot be tackled by moving their start times. How will they understand their behaviour is unacceptable if there is no consequence?

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    5. Observer*

      Is it an option for her to work a shifted schedule so she’s starting and ending her day later?

      Why would the LW even be looking for accommodations? Especially since she’s not just being “not chipper and on her best game”. When someone is so “sour” the even their manager feels the need to tiptoe around her, that’s waaaay past not being a morning person (or hangry, missing their fist cup of coffee, etc.)

      Also, if Carol has a genuine issue that would actually be helped by a shifted schedule, it’s on her to ask. This is not about “secret tests” or “gotcha” requirements. It’s about not putting an extra burden on others to solve her problems, and not encouraging managers to overstep in trying to “diagnose” issues.

      It’s not the entire problem, but that’s an accommodation that could make the rest easier to deal with

      Nah. Because the “not a morning person” is the tip of a very significant iceberg. Stealing credit, interrupting people, being rude and uncooperative to others, taking feedback poorly, etc. are not going to disappear because her schedule gets shifted. And none of that will be easier to deal with, nor should it be?

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  4. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    I’m not a morning person. I can be quite cranky. But you know, when I have to be around others in the morning, I make the effort to be civil. Because its a me problem, not an everyone else’s problem.

    You really really need to lay out to Carol that her behavior is severely affecting her standing at this job. You cannot be so careful of her feelings that you harm everyone else who has to deal with her. She is tanking morale in the office and good people will leave.

    P.S. interrupting others is not showing initiative, its just rude. If the whole team does that, it needs to stop. They can give ideas but not by interrupting people.

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    1. MsM*

      Yeah, having follow-up questions is generally good, but it’s unlikely the questions are so urgent that the other person can’t finish their thought before the person with the questions jumps in.

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    2. Antilles*

      For your last point, IF it’s the whole team doing it, I suspect the root cause is that Carol is doing it regularly and OP is totally cool with it. So others have realized that the only way to get your thoughts out there is by doing your own counter-interrupting.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        eh, this can vary by culture but I would at least say it’s probably better to cultivate a not-interrupting style if you have a team above, say, five people or if you see anyone is being drowned out.

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        1. Antilles*

          I agree that it’s better to not have an interrupting culture. My point was just that Carol is why this culture exists.
          I normally wouldn’t interrupt someone at a meeting. But if I go to the weekly meeting and every week Carol interrupts me and the manager just lets it happen? After a couple times, I’m going to conclude that okay guess I need to be aggressive and interrupting too, because that’s apparently the way things work here.

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    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Yep. I’m not at my best first thing in the morning. I am often very quiet, and when I need to talk to people I make an effort to be pleasant. It’s clear that I’m not a morning person, but my coworkers also aren’t terrified to talk to me before 9am.

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      1. Artemesia*

        My husband is NOT a morning person. LIke you while he isn’t a bouquet of cheer and friendliness in the morning around others and tends to isolate himself, he is civil and pleasant when he has to interact with people. This is what grownups do.

        And no manager should ever ‘walk on eggshells’ around someone they supervise because they are ‘so. sensitive’. These types are not sensitive to others just take umbrage at things that irritate them. This calls for relatively aggressive managing and clearly naming the behaviors that need to change.

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        1. Observer*

          And no manager should ever ‘walk on eggshells’ around someone they supervise because they are ‘so. sensitive’

          Yes!

          LW, in addition to the need to manage Carol better, I think you need some management training of your own. But, please, get it from someone / some place *competent*! The advice you got from the “training” you described is utter garbage. I’m sorry you got saddled with that.

          The reason I say this is because the fact that you feel the need to walk on eggshells around her should be a red flag to you. That instead you feel like you may not be being nice enough to her? No, not in a million years.

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    4. Guacamole Bob*

      It’s possible to be not a morning person and also not surly or rude. There’s a whole range of “I need my coffee before I can handle that topic” type comments that are very typical in many workplaces (I think an early-ish meeting this morning kicked off with a bit of that in my office just today, even). Said in the right tone, they can communicate that someone isn’t at their best, is a bit poking fun at themselves, but are not at all taking it out on their colleagues.

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    5. Festively Dressed Earl*

      I notice OP doesn’t mention how Carol responds to constructive feedback. If she takes it in stride, maybe she’s redeemable, but if she takes all feedback as an attack and won’t stop until all her flaws are someone else’s fault – there’s no hope.

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  5. Happy Work Psychologist*

    As an organizational psychologist I cheered at you calling these types of assessments pseudoscience! Yes!

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    2. Librarian*

      A MBTI-certified evaluator told me that they’re interesting as long as you don’t take them too seriously. I’ve taken both the Myers Briggs and the Enneagram and the descriptions fit me to a T. Confirmation bias? Possibly. Would I put those results on a resume? Absolutely not.

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      2. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        I intend this as a Fun Fact / FYI, not a criticism of you!

        One reason is that the descriptions are usually pretty vague, which allows us to make them fit. They’re also typically focused on the positive. We want these positive descriptions to apply to us.

        Personality is supposed to be the fundamentals of who we are as people, which remain stable over time and manifest across situations. One issue with the MBTI is that if you test people, then test them again a bit later (this is called test-retest reliability), they often don’t get the same results.

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        1. londonedit*

          Yes, same with horoscopes – they’re always vague enough that just about everyone can pick out something that they can apply to their own life.

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        2. Librarian*

          I don’t think I’ve ever gotten this many comments on something I’ve written here. :-) Yes, they are vague, but then it takes an Enneagram 4 to be able to interpret them. (We’re creative but bad to get drunk and die in a garret somewhere. You’re not taking me seriously, are you? Hope not.) Reading the comments made me think of Robertson Davies book World of Wonders, wherein the narrator is kidnapped and spends his childhood in a carnival. There he meets Zingara the fortune teller, who gives him basic tips on how to tell fortunes. “You have to learn to look at people. Hardly anybody does that… Take your time. Tell them pretty soon that they’re worried. Of course they’re worried; why else would they come to a mitt-camp at a fair?… Sure you get smart-alecs. Sometimes they tell you the most. Flatter them. Laugh at the world with them… Look to see what they are showing to the world, then tell them they are the exact opposite. That works for almost everybody… Say things will take a turn for the better soon, because they will; talking to you will make things better because it takes a load off their minds…”

          Consider tests to be fortune telling with a little Jung thrown in. I dimly remember that the creators of the MBTI had no idea that their test would be taken as seriously as it is. It’s interesting and fun, but not the Be All and the End All.

          BTW, I’ve taken the Myers Briggs at various times in my life, starting in high school. I’ve always come out as an INFP. But then, INFPs wouldn’t change, would we? (See above.)

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      3. Artemesia*

        they can be useful in leading a group to discuss how differences in the workplace can contribute to effectiveness — different people bring different things to the table and also to not always assume that someone else’s difference is ‘at you’ or a negative. The problem occurs when these things get taken too seriously — people identify as a ‘type’ and then use it to excuse behavior they should be controlling.

        Some people ARE more detail oriented and others more big picture; some people do tend to be very focused on getting things done to the extent they may jump the gun before thoughtful decision are made and others do tend to ruminate and consider and talk endlessly without getting down to it. And learning how to harness these things in getting the job done is part of management.

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      4. Sara without an H*

        As a manager, I’ve found them somewhat helpful in conversations with staff about why they work the way they do.

        As an individual (congenitally ornery and introverted), I have to say I love the Myers Briggs test. Once people find out that I’m an INTJ, they back off and leave me alone.

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      5. Tau*

        I think that it’s possible for you, personally, to take something useful from pretty much any personality assessment – just because their specific way of dividing up people happens to hit on something personally relevant and helpful. Like, I got a major epiphany that helped me understand how I tick and reframe some stuff that had been weighing me down for a long time from an elaborated Hogwarts sorting system once. That doesn’t mean there’s any validity to the system, which doesn’t even pretend to be scientific. It only means that one of the tools for self-understanding in it was just right for me at that moment in time.

        On the flipside, although I remember MBTI being interesting back in the day, at this point I tend to test XNXX and spend a lot of time going “both and neither?” at the dichotomies it sets up.

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    3. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Same here as someone with a (non-clinical) psychology PhD who studied psychometrics. I cringe every time someone mentions personality measures.

      A while back, at a previous job, my boss and grand boss decided to bring in some woman who had “developed” her own work personality measure for two sessions. Apparently, at great expense. I was careful to remind myself at regular intervals that being a jerk in those sessions (e.g., asking what the Cronbach’s alpha was, what the principal components analysis or factor analysis showed) was not going to help me at all. “Cannot be a basic amount of professional in meetings” was not the impression I wanted to leave. Even though the whole thing was BS (thank you Barnum Effect!), most of my colleagues did find it useful as a springboard for talking about their preferences with work and areas of struggle.

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      1. Elizabeth West*

        When OldTechJob made us do the DiSC assessment, the trainer explicitly said at the beginning of the session not to take it at face value. She said your results are not set in stone and they can change with time. She told a story of someone who got a highly introverted score and then retook it a year later and was the polar opposite. Turned out he had some major personal junk going on during the time that first test happened and it had been resolved by the time he took the second test.

        When ExJob made us do it, I just enjoyed the break from being at my desk. And I also got a very different result from when I was at OldTechJob, where I was in completely different circumstances. Wild, I know, lol.

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    4. Generic Name*

      My company uses Strengths Finder. I guess I don’t mind it, but I realized that it’s easy to game the results, or at least unintentionally influence them by how you see yourself versus how you really are, if that makes sense. In other words, you answer the questions how you see yourself or how you want others to see you regardless of how you actually are.

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  6. Lydia*

    She doesn’t hesitate to interrupt others with her own questions, which I appreciate in terms of initiative

    I am very concerned that you see this as initiative rather than what it is: rude. Low self-esteem is not the problem here. Carol is rude and in order to avoid being called out on her bad behavior, she’s cultivated a situation where she’s so unpleasant everyone is too scared to say anything. You’re her manager. You can’t be too scared to say something.

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    1. Juicebox Hero*

      YES. Our office’s Carol does the same thing, and you either have to wait until he finishes talking, which takes about 97 years, or talk loudly over him, in which case he probably won’t hear you anyway. Our management is afraid of saying anything and it’s the rest of us who suffer.

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    2. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      I’m not a Carol, but I am a recovering interrupter. (In my case, it’s usually that I get excited and want to share my ideas). It’s on me to control this behaviour, because it’s rude and unpleasant and can have the effect of shutting people down.

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      2. Lydia*

        Absolutely! I find myself interrupting, too, when I get excited about something. But like you, I know I need to manage that. None of my colleagues are ever going to say, “That Lydia sure shows initiative when she’s interrupting me.”

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    3. Liane*

      Yes, this!!
      My second thought about this letter was “OP thinks interrupting is a sign of initiative! WTF?” OP, interrupting is a Bad Sign, & one of many, that Carol is a workplace glass bowl (which was my first thought).
      It’s only a matter of time before Carol’s behavior becomes a bad look for YOU as well. What if the next person they interrupt (while you just sit there) is your boss? What if your grandboss is giving a tour to the CEO, they just walked into your department, and get blasted by Carol’s “I hate mornings” attitude?

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    4. toolegittoresign*

      Yeah, it’s unclear whether Carol is interrupting someone explaining something to ask them a question or if she’s interrupting someone asking a question with her own question. I can see how you could take a real stretch to interpret the former as “initiative” but both are rude, the latter just being exceptionally rude.

      Reply ↓
    5. Mirve*

      I read it as interrupting work, rather than speech. That is, she asks questions of others (thus initiative), but does not respond well to others doing the same.

      Reply ↓
  7. Antilles*

    She’s loud, boastful, credit-stealing, rude, snarky, interrupts others, is so sour people walk on eggshells, and is so bad that candidates who know her refuse a job opportunity simply to stay away from her?
    If I was the manager, she wouldn’t be getting much positive feedback from ME either, because that sounds incredibly problematic. Like, “this needs to improve or you might need to find a future elsewhere” level of problematic.

    Reply ↓
    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Maybe there are parts of the job she’s doing well. Like the work she actually turns in is solid. As you said, the LW needs to be clear with Carol about the issues and how serious they are. Be mindful of giving praise when Carol earns it.

      Reply ↓
    2. SnookidyBoo*

      I never understand why managers keep people like this. I’ve walked off jobs because of Carols, had my life so adversely affected that I’ve gone into therapy. When my Carol left a previous job I had it came to light that not only was she trying to get me fired by spreading lies, she actively sabotaged the job before she left.

      Reply ↓
      1. BellStell*

        I never understand why managers keep people like this – either. Manage, OP, that is your job. Tell her plainly that work means being collegial to colleagues, not being grumpy all the time, and not doing all the things you listed OP. Put her on a PIP for 3 months. If she cannot change, great, fire her.

        Reply ↓
    3. MassMatt*

      Major side-eye to the consultant who suggested praise to help this employee’s self esteem–This is work, not therapy. All these behaviors combined have me thinking a PIP is more appropriate for Carol than praise.

      Reply ↓
  8. AKK*

    I have a Carol co-worker who has not been managed in the 15+ years she has worked here. I have only been here for 4. It’s taking a lot of self control not to print this and send it to my managers.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ms. Eleanous*

      AKK

      I Hope you DO send a copy of this column to your managers, and to *their* managers as well.

      The world will be a better place.
      I really believe that.

      Reply ↓
    3. Jackie*

      Our “Carol” retired a few years ago–I had worked with her in our dept. for over 25 years, and the day could not come soon enough for me and many others. “Carol” said she didn’t want a retirement party or luncheon, while maybe secretly hoping for one to be planned. Maybe she had a clue that several of us would boycott it. Our boss at the time who had no “Fs” left to give where Carol was concerned, kept her busy and engaged away from her co-workers on her final day–other than a 15″ morning break and 30″ lunch we never saw her throughout the day. I don’t even think there was a cake. Karma finally arrived after making so many of us miserable with her actions.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dust Bunny*

        My mother’s college advisor was such a bear that when he retired, the school threw a party and nobody came. Not just nobody of significance or nobody from out of town, but literally nobody. The only people there were the ones running it. Speaking of epic management fails.

        Reply ↓
      2. MassMatt*

        Where was this manager with no F’s to give in the 25 years your office’s “Carol” was running amok?

        Reply ↓
    4. BellStell*

      Same which is why I am tempering my saltiness here a bit but i am super upset at a situation at work exactly like this.

      Reply ↓
  9. The Petson from the Resume*

    She doesn’t need insincere praise; she needs feedback on what she’s doing wrong and where she needs to improve.

    Please don’t twist interrupting others into a positive – initiative. It’s rude to interrupt others; don’t encourage it!

    Reply ↓
    1. The Petson from the Resume*

      This is a letter where you don’t tell us that she’s a good employee anywhere in it.

      Does she do anything praiseworthy at work at all? If not maybe it’s just time to let her go. Rude, disruptive, causes everyone around her to walk on eggshells, doesn’t take feedback professionally, and doesn’t even merit a mention of her being good at any piece of her job.

      Reply ↓
  10. Elk*

    I DO work with small children, and insincere positive feedback without direct conversations about unacceptable behavior wouldn’t be ok for them either!

    Reply ↓
    1. Ann O'Nemity*

      Yes! I just watched an insightful interview with Dr. Becky Kennedy, where she explained that a parent’s job isn’t to make their child happy. She emphasized that trying to cheer kids up by praising them when they’re sad can actually be counterproductive. Instead, it denies them the opportunity to develop resilience and learn how to navigate difficult emotions. (Watch one of her short interviews for more context. She can explain this better than I can!)

      Seriously, Carol’s issues were likely the result of a lifetime of people tiptoeing around her feelings, constantly trying to keep her happy instead of allowing her to develop resilience and self-manage her emotions.

      Reply ↓
  11. Juicebox Hero*

    “A manager training session shed more light on her personality. Her Emotional Control score on a personality assessment was zero, which the facilitator described as indicative of deep self-esteem issues. I was advised to praise her as much as possible, though it may never feel like enough.”

    What the what? Her emotional issues aren’t yours to manage, and the fact that you feel the need to walk on eggshells when she has a case of the megrims shows that she’s already been given too much power in the boss/employee relationship.

    As much as she bothers you, I can guarantee you your other reports are on their last frayed nerve with her. I know because we have a Carol in our office, and no one in management will do anything about him, and he drives us bonkers.

    Please follow Allison’s advice and don’t put up with Carol’s behavior any longer.

    Reply ↓
    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Came here to say this. As a manager, Carol’s self-esteem is not yours to manage. Yes, we should be respectful and conscientious when having difficult conversations. But Carol’s feelings are hers to deal with. I mean, nobody likes being told they’re doing a bad job. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell them.

      And I’m giving the side-eye to whoever in your organization thought that giving her a bunch of praise to fix her self-esteem was good management. Carol is a problem, but that makes me wonder if you have bigger problems.

      Reply ↓
      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Right? I commented in another thread that I wouldn’t believe a single thing that facilitator told OP. I think it was the facilitator who told OP to praise Carol a lot, and I sure hope the facilitator was a one-off, an aberration, because if that’s how the whole company works, then I agree, OP is in a bad workplace.

        Reply ↓
        1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

          Ugh, this workshop! As someone with low self-esteem, I can sniff out a BS compliment right away, and it makes me feel worse, not better. I don’t disbelieve that Carol has low self-esteem and she’s doing some kind of “the best defense is a good offense” thing, and it’s good she’s in therapy. But fake praise helps no one — it rightly makes OP feel fake, and Carol has a lot of issues, but she doesn’t strike me as stupid, so this is not going to help.

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  12. OrdinaryJoe*

    I can’t tell from your letter but I would caution about praising TOO much or going over the top for the least bit of positive behavior. That can be a huge turn off to the rest of your staff and volunteers who also have to deal with her. We have that situation in my office where a poorly performing person with a horrible attitude seems to be praised to the high heavens for the least amount of effort. It’s very demoralizing for everyone else.

    Reply ↓
    1. Elizabeth West*

      Exactly. This is the work equivalent of when men are elevated for doing the bare minimum in relationships.

      Reply ↓
      1. OrdinaryJoe*

        Ha! Yes! Those memes about guys baby sitting their own kids, providing dinner, etc. Cracks me up, in an eye roll sort of way! If I helped make that kid, I’m not baby sitting it … I’m being a PARENT.

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  14. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    Feedback that is both sincere and positive sounds like this:

    “Carol, I know you’re trying to make sure that the teapots get packed up so that they are secure for shipping and pleasant to look at when being unboxed. But the way you speak to the people on the loading dock is actually counterproductive to that – you’re going to have more success if you do X and Y instead of A and B. Can you commit to not eliminating A and B from your mental toolbox?”

    (But first, figure out if she really does care about the organization’s mission or not. If she doesn’t, then I don’t think positive feedback is warranted.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Glitsy Gus*

      This! As Alison said, a lot of this is going to depend on if she is actually good at her tasks or not. I am not a fan of the critique sandwich at all, but I do think starting with stating you understand she is trying to get her job done well is a great door into, “but here is why your behavior is undermining your goals there.”

      Reply ↓
  15. Dust Bunny*

    I don’t see here that you’ve actually managed her, though. You’re walking on eggshells around an employee whose behavior, as her manager, you have the standing to address. You’re allowed to tell her not to be snarky, rude, and interrupting. Many of us are not morning people but we’re adults who know how to control it enough to not make life worse for our coworkers.

    You’re not asking her to become a Merry Sunshine as a personality; you’re just telling her that soft skills are also job skills and she can’t take out her morning grumps on those around her.

    Reply ↓
  16. Sparkles McFadden*

    By catering to Carol you are doing a real disservice to everyone else and to yourself as well.

    People like Carol keep doing all of the things you describe *because* the obnoxious behavior keeps other people from correcting her. Her surliness is rewarding behavior. She enjoys running roughshod over everyone else, and gets to keep doing it because no one tells her to cut it out. I changed jobs more than once because the department had a Carol and the boss wouldn’t manage her. Everything eventually centered around keeping Carol happy, so all of the good people left.

    Reply ↓
  17. Office Plant Queen*

    Giving her the feedback may also help her address it in therapy. Obviously whether or not she does isn’t your business, but she may not currently be aware how much of an issue her reactions are, so that might not be something she and her therapist know she needs to work on. She may know she doesn’t handle stress well, but she might not know that it has a noticeable and significant impact on others if nobody has actually told her

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  18. Heffalump*

    I can relate to the bit about snarky remarks. A snarky remark may not be in the same category as “Dolores” in “My coworker screamed at me and HR hasn’t done anything,” but it’s a hostile act. Some years ago I had a coworker, Petunia, who made snarky remarks on the regular, and this wasn’t the only thing she did. One day “Pamela,” another peer of mine, called an impromptu meeting with our manager “Steve” and me to discuss Petunia. Steve said, “You can’t discipline a person for being tactless.” Petunia’s remarks were tactless, but they were also unjust criticisms. Mere tactlessness would have been something like “I don’t like your new haircut.” Steve was obviously a wimpy manager.

    Reply ↓
  19. 123*

    Of course she acts like this… you’re her manager and you’re actively letting her get away with it with 0 consequences.

    Reply ↓
  20. RagingADHD*

    Self-esteem doesn’t really come from praise, anyway. The deep type of personal self-worth comes from unconditional acceptance and love, which aren’t issues you can fix at your job.

    The type of self-esteem that is related to work comes from self-efficacy and agency – believing that you can accomplish or master things, and make an impact – which come from a track record of accomplishment and mastery. Praise is just the receipt showing that you did actually master the thing and make a positive impact.

    Now, if someone never gets a receipt, they may flounder because they aren’t sure whether or not they accomplished what they set out to do. Or if they get random receipts for doing nothing, they aren’t going to develop self-efficacy, because there is no connection to their own agency.

    Giving Carol clear and honest direction about what needs to change, and then praising her when she actually starts making those changes, will be better for both the team and Carol.

    Reply ↓
    1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Agreed. I have appalling self esteem anyway but someone giving me loads of praise all the time would not improve it at all. In fact, it would likely make it worse because then it’s depending upon an external locus to provide it.

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    2. Coverage Associate*

      Also agreed. Also, OP should especially consider what positive feedback can be given on soft skills, especially because OP struggles with positive feedback. It’s very easy to praise someone for meeting an objective target. The praise is just recognizing the fact in a happy tone. (“You made the deadline!”) It’s harder, but even more important here, to praise soft skills. In OP’s place, I might have some phrases ready then look for occasions to deploy them. Like: “that meeting was really smooth because you/we let people finish before asking questions” or “I noticed your coworker was easily able to continue the project after you used an appropriate tone answering the question this morning.”

      Reply ↓
  21. Coffee Protein Drink*

    Carol needs a reality check and the reality check is she needs to stop being disruptive by being loud, taking credit for other people’s work, taking out her anti-morning problem on everyone

    It doesn’t matter why she’s doing this. The behavior is unacceptable in a work setting. If there are things that she does well, by all means say so, but it’s not your job to give egoboos. Carol needs to know that if she can’t behave like an adult, her performance is not going to save her.

    I’m glad Carol is getting some therapy, but she’s still going to have to do some work.

    Reply ↓
  23. BatManDan*

    It’s just a hunch with no data to back it up, but I have a sneaking suspicion that problematic people may here the phrase “crucial to your success in your role” as “crucial to excelling in your role” and NOT as it should be heard, which is “crucial to your employment at this organization.” Anybody agree, or disagree, with me?

    Reply ↓
    2. Heffalump*

      As has been pointed out here, managers are sometimes unable to bring themselves to say, “We may have to fire you,” so they say, “We may have to move out of this role.” This leaves room for employee to hear, “We may have to demote you” or “We may have to move you into a different role.”

      Reply ↓
  24. JSPA*

    If you’re worried she’ll catastrophize and assume you’re working up to a firing, you can put it in terms of career development. Every manager is expected to find areas that need improvement that can hold their reports back, in their career, or reduce their effectiveness in general; this is the area you’re asigning her to work on first, as it’s something that will make further development more productive. And do it with your other report, too; no matter how great they are, there’s something (skill set?) they could stand to improve or expand. “This is what good managers do” is hard to spin into, “my manager hates me and wants me to fail.”

    Reply ↓
    1. Samwise*

      CArol *should* worry that the OP is working up to a firing. Because that’s what OP should do if Carol does not shape up quickly.

      Reply ↓
  25. queue*

    “I feel I need to walk on eggshells” is not a statement that a manager should basically ever make about someone they manage. Either LW is getting massively undercut by the organization (if higher ups have decided Carol can’t be fired, for instance) or LW has lost control of the (appropriate) power dynamics.

    Reply ↓
  26. Saturday*

    Lavish praise doesn’t produce high self-esteem anyway (even if it were your job to improve her self-esteem, which it isn’t).

    Reply ↓
  27. Colorado*

    Your employees will see right through the fake positive feedback and think less of you too. Manage her. Her sensitivity on receiving feedback is her control so she can get away with being a difficult person. You can still be sincere when calling someone out on their BS.

    Reply ↓
  28. Decima Dewey*

    Carol can have positive feedback when she contributes ideas that improve the workflow or improve employee morale. Adding to that, interrupting people is not showing initiative. It’s being rude and cutting off other people’s ideas.

    Whether Carol’s behavior is caused by low self-esteem doesn’t matter. What matters is that it has to stop or Carol needs to go.

    Reply ↓
  29. Medium Sized Manager*

    I’ve had a few of these conversations recently and, FWIW, it has paid off with both of my people! It was deeply uncomfortable to give the feedback, and I am sure it was hard to hear, but it needed to be done. One of them also struggles with self-esteem so feels particularly relevant.

    Their main issue was about how they respond to feedback, so I have really emphasized the positive when I see it. For example, this person used to quickly and frantically point blame at anybody and everything because making mistakes terrified them. Now, they are more comfortable with taking time to think, gather their thoughts, and share them in a productive way.

    Celebrating this moments has been really helpful in reinforcing the behaviors I want to see, and it has also helped their overall work output. LW, I suspect this might help with your concern about giving positive feedback – praising the changes can be that positive feedback.

    Reply ↓
    1. Coverage Associate*

      This. I see some comments above about how the employee shouldn’t be rewarded for past bad behavior by getting praised for normal behavior going forward, but I think that misses both that people are individuals and that managers can communicate privately. I think positive reinforcement of soft skills is extra important because it’s the only way that the employee knows that they are meeting the target. It’s easy to know if you met a deadline or a sales target or something objective, but “that’s what I consider a smooth meeting” no one will know unless they are told.

      Reply ↓
  30. Hedgehug*

    Rather than everyone be on eggshells around her, has anyone ever actually, you know…called her out?
    I used to be a lot like Carol, and after being called out by my boss at the time, it was the wakeup I needed to be more professional.

    Reply ↓
    1. Glitsy Gus*

      Yeah, I agree here. Not only is it a pain for everyone else, you’re really hurting Carol by not saying anything. I am sure, even if her work overall is stellar, this is holding her back a lot. I mean, people actively avoid working with/managing her! That sucks for Carol if she truly doesn’t know how she is perceived.

      I know it’s easy to think, “how can she not know?!” but when behavior has been passively condoned for years, really, why should she know? Or maybe at some point someone gave her the really crappy advice that the way to be taken seriously is to aggressively campaign for yourself and she took it to heart and no one has ever told her it’s way too much. OP, you need to let her know, not just to make your life better, but to help her out too.

      Reply ↓
      1. kiki*

        Yeah, it is kinder and better for Carol’s career in the long term to hear the feedback about her unprofessional behavior. Sure, a lot of people don’t need a lot of this type of coaching at a professional level to basically be reminded not to be rude, but some people really do struggle to perceive how they are coming across.

        Being honest about shortcomings will also make any praise come across as genuine. It also gives LW the opportunity to eventually (hopefully) give praise about improvement in Carol’s behavior. Because Carol won’t do go from a terror to a delight overnight— it will take time. And in that meantime, LW can praise and reinforce progress for relatively minor behavioral improvements that would have seemed nonsensical if Carol didn’t realize they were coming across so poorly.

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  31. WellRed*

    Sounds like the company also needs to do a better job of supporting and training managers, if several people opted out of Carol AND manager training is personality tests.

    Reply ↓
  32. Properlike*

    ADHD can look like these behaviors too. Not diagnosing, just agreeing with Alison that the personality tests are garbage (I had a friend whose father helped create them) and there can be multiple reasons for any behavior – that’s why you address the behavior only.

    Reply ↓
  33. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    It’s actually a LOT kinder and more supportive to call out negative behaviour and warn people to stop.

    The one who saved my career was my boss at the time who basically said ‘Whatever you’ve got going on you need to sort out. You cannot keep flying off the handle, being rude to others and being unapproachable whatever the reason’.

    You cannot sort someone else’s emotional problems for them. You CAN make them aware that their behaviour isn’t appropraite and that it is their responsibility to deal with it. Whether that be by consulting medical professionals (which is what I did – Iwas worse than Carol – way worse), adjusting their work or schedules or moving to a different job.

    Reply ↓
  34. tina turner*

    “Taking credit for others’ work” is not just a “personality” thing, it’s a bad act. Try to separate what she does to be clear about this.

    Reply ↓
  35. toolegittoresign*

    I went on a work trip with two people and we ended up with a cancelled flight, being stranded overnight and resorting to taking a 4am train back home since the airline couldn’t offer us another flight for TWO days. This meant the three of us had to meet up in the morning on less than 3 hours sleep to catch the train. None of us were happy, but we were very nice with each other because the only thing that could make our situation worse would be if we started to have bad attitudes or got snippy. We all reserved our complaining for our texts and calls to loved ones and also gave each other the space to just be quiet. I hit my limit in terms of mood while on the train due to exhaustion and just excused myself to another row away from my coworkers explaining “I am going to try to sleep and don’t want to bother you if I start snoring. call me if you need anything.” Then was able to be grumpy by myself elsewhere.

    All this to say: Carol really has no excuse to behave this way and I cannot think of a single job or workplace where this behavior wouldn’t be an issue. You’ll be helping her most by discussing it with her. You have to be able to handle yourself with some composure or grace at work or your career will suffer.

    Reply ↓
  36. Observer*

    Your letter contains a perfect example of why so many people are deeply skeptical of so called experts who claim a “psychological” basis for their management techniques.

    The simple fact is that *if* this test is accurate (which is an enormous IF), then what you know is that this person has basically no self control. The way to deal with that is not to pile on the praise while avoiding saying anything negative. And the *reason* for her lack of control is really not yours to manage. But also, if (and again, it’s a massive *if*) the facilitator is correct about her self esteem, praising her is not going to help. People with problematic self esteem don’t respond all that well to praise, because their self esteem is not linked to reality.

    My advice is to ignore everything this “training” taught you. Instead follow Allison’s advice.

    Please remember that Carol is not the only person you have an obligation to. And arguably, you have MORE of an obligation to all of the people who *are* behaving appropriately than the the person who is being rude and obnoxious to others.

    Please start managing her. Including managing her out, if it comes to that.

    Reply ↓
    1. BellStell*

      THIS ^^^^ Please start managing her. Including managing her out, if it comes to that.

      Manage, OP, that is your role. You can fix it by removing the problem.

      Reply ↓
  37. Another academic librarian*

    My immediate reaction is LESS praise and a performance improvement plan for both the manager and employee.
    Is Carol doing her job? Focus on that. Document. Then if she is deserving of praise give it. If Carol’s attitude and demeanor is causing issues with her job, document that.
    My Carol was evaluated in one of these strengths training things and the outcome was that none of her strengths aligned with her actual job duties.
    I was advised by an outside consultant to provide her with more opportunities for creative work.
    The problem was her position was clerical and she just didn’t want to do boring, alone work that wasn’t fun.
    Carol’s self esteem will imporve when she completes esteemable acts not by false praise.

    Reply ↓
  38. Fluffy Fish*

    Lets not mince words OP. Carol is the office bully. You are more worried about the feelings of the office bully than you are the people she’s bullying.

    Oh and interrupting isnt “initiative”.

    Perhaps some management courses would be beneficial here.

    Reply ↓
    1. Coverage Associate*

      I have said this in some responses above, but to emphasize, as someone who struggles with soft skills (though mine are of the aloof kind, not the brash kind), feedback is more important on them than objective issues. If I miss a deadline or billable target, we all know it. Put it in the written performance evaluation, make sure we’re on the same page, but I probably don’t need training about it. (I might need other supports like adjustments to my calendar settings, but I’m not confused about the expectation.)

      But soft skills? There’s really no way to know what is good without it being modeled and good work being pointed out. For example, my new practice is much more high touch than my former practice area. In my former practice, and personally, everyone acknowledging group emails is not expected (and if I send an email to 10 people, I think getting 10 acknowledgements is annoying.) But in this practice we acknowledge everything, even “I will get back to you.” But of course there are exceptions. And if I am only called out for messing up the exceptions, or only called out for what’s wrong, it doesn’t give me much to figure out what’s right.

      One place we see this in practice is when Alison posted recordings of the exact tone to use for certain work conversations. ‘Cause “too harsh” or “too fast” or whatever is really subjective.

      Reply ↓
      1. Fluffy Fish*

        Probably colored by my having worked with unmanaged bullies, there’s def soft skills that are a coaching here’s how you do this thing and those that are simply you cannot do that.

        But imo being mean/rude isn’t one of them. Nothing on earth will convince me that someone being mean isn’t fully aware that they are being mean to other people. That’s a flat out I understand you are not a morning person, however you cannot be rude to people until you feel “awake” and if it continues there will be insert consequences.

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  39. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

    Carol aside, this: “which the facilitator described as indicative of deep self-esteem issues.” is why I adamantly refuse to take any kind of personality assessment in a work setting. I do not need your half-ass, half-trained, half-witted consultant diagnosing me with this or that. What an insult! Carol sounds terrible, but this is work, not therapy! Who cares if she has self-esteem issues? Or NOT. I’m so sure your consultant/trainer/HR is in no way qualified to say that.

    Reply ↓

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