how do I stop caring about my job?

by Alison Green on March 13, 2025

A reader writes:

I am a mother of three young children. Several years ago I took a step back in my career to work in a less high-pressure environment. The shift was incredible for my work life balance — I am much more present with my children, rarely bring home work stress, and am able to regularly take time away to volunteer at school events. We are financially secure and the money is decent.

However, this organization frequently is a mess. I regularly find myself flabbergasted at how things that wouldn’t be an issue at other jobs become Big Things at this organization, requiring multiple meetings at various senior levels to remediate. Good news and progress is met with administrative drama, and frequently thwarted altogether by red tape and incompetence. It was kind of a fun challenge at first, but now it is absolutely maddening. At the same time, no one really cares, so there is no pressure, and I am very free to live my personal life

How do I … stop caring? In my time here, I’ve changed what I can at this organization and am now trying to accept what I can’t, but I’m just. so. tired. of feeling like there is no point to any of it.

Any words of advice from folks that have been there? Is it time to run before my discontent at work seeps into my personal bliss? Or is there a way to put up a mental wall? I’ve got about another five years before my youngest doesn’t need me as much. Help!

Sometimes it can help to get really, really clear in your own head about exactly what you’re getting from the job, and exactly what you are trading in exchange for income.

In this case, that might mean getting really clear on the fact that you are trading your time for money, period. You are not there to fix the organization, or to care more about the problems than people above you do. You are there to do Job X and nothing more.

Sometimes that’s impossible. Maybe you find the way they operate so maddening that you simply can’t be there five days a week without it destroying your morale or your mental health. If that’s the case, then it’s time to move on.

But sometimes, with a concerted effort you can decide that it’s Not Your Problem. If they want to run their organization this way, so be it — you figure it’s their prerogative and you’ll continue doing Job X (and only Job X) and they will continue putting money in your bank account every two weeks, and the trade will be complete.

Alternately, sometimes you can look at it as an educational experience: think of yourself as a sociologist who’s learning interesting lessons about certain types of group dynamics. You don’t need to care that much because you’re just there to observe, not engage in any deep way. (The trick there is to not let it make you so cynical that you bring bad habits to the next job.)

Or maybe every time something maddening happens, you can remind yourself, “Not caring about this is why I have great work-life balance, and right now in this period of my life that’s the most important thing to me.”

But maybe none of the advice above will work for you. For some people, it’s incredibly important to work for an organization that they feel good about. Without that, some people will lose all sense of connection to their work, and any interest in continuing on with it. If that’s you, that’s useful to know about yourself; it would mean you need to start working on getting out of there.

But try getting really clear on what you are being paid for — which is not to solve this organization’s big problems — and see if that can be enough.

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{ 84 comments }

{ 84 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    Niven’s Law: “Not responsible for advice not taken.”

    You’ve given your advice, ‘no one really cares’, so all the suboptimal outcomes are not yours to deal with.

    Not yours practically, but most importantly not yours emotionally. If that’s how they want to run a railroad, so be it. But you’re going to dissociate from the madness, keep your head down, do your job, and cash your paycheck.

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    1. Boof*

      As a physician; I have to internalize this. I can tell people what they should do and why. I can try to make it as easy as possible to do it. I cannot force them to do something, no matter how much I think it might make a life or death difference, as long as they are an adult with capacity. I also can only be so accommodating; enough that I’m sure it’s not me that it’s the problem but like if we’re constantly putting in hours of work to reschedule a bunch of things for basically recurrent “eh I didn’t feel like it today” – nope, sorry, boundaries are going up – we’ll reschedule when convenient rather than bending over backwards to try to move a bunch of things over by 1 day.

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      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I stumbled on to Motivational Interviewing early in my primary-care career and it was life-changing. MI taught me the skills to support people making changes and be a good coach – and also recognize that making the change is *not my job.* It also helped me set better boundaries in general. We need to take responsibility for our own actions, and I take that seriously. I don’t need to take responsibility for anyone else’s.

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    2. Pine Tree*

      My current strategy is to suggest a different/better (i.e., the correct) way to do something ONCE. And then let it go. If they decide to do the stupid thing, then, well, I tried.

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    3. Lala762*

      I ALWAYS give the same advice in these situations: You can’t care more about the job/project/company than they do.”
      Senior leadership can’t/won’t do anything quickly or effectively? You can’t care about it.
      You do your job and go home.

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      1. Beth*

        This is such good advice but also so hard to put into practice! On the one hand, if leadership doesn’t care about something and won’t provide resources (whether it’s staffing, money, decision-making, whatever) to make it happen, yes, you shouldn’t care about it either. On the other, feeling like your work is a dead-end is really stressful. A lot of us hate feeling like we’re not accomplishing anything. It’s also really hard to not be stressed about job stability when you’re doing projects that leadership shows they don’t care about.

        If you can disconnect and get what you need from your job, OP, do it. It sounds like it gives you a lot of perks. But don’t beat yourself up about it if you can’t pull that off. Your feelings might be a sign that it’s time to start job hunting–even if it’s a very slow search, limited only to roles that give the same level of work-life balance you have right now.

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  2. Jennifer Strange*

    I feel you LW. I, too, care a lot about how my organization is going, even if it’s beyond my responsibilities and pay level. This often gets thrown out here, and I think it’s relevant here: You can’t care more about fixing this organization than those in charge do. It’s okay to keep your eyes on your own paper and take pride in what YOU have done, even if it’s only a single positive in a dumpster fire of a company. Or maybe try finding small positives/accomplishments from others as well and let that get you through the rough spots. If you find you CANNOT do that, you may need to seek out work elsewhere. But there is no right answer here, just what’s right for you.

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  3. HR Exec Popping In*

    Great advice by Alison. When I worked at a dysfunctional non-profit I struggled with this myself. My boss helped me learn to categorize issues into what I could change, what I could influence and what I could not and then focus my intellectual and emotional energy primarily on the first with some on the second. The third is off limits. It is simple, but for me, it was a profound lesson to not waste precious time and energy on things that I could not change.

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    1. Kes*

      I’ve worked on projects where I’ve struggled with this. What I’ve found important is two things:

      First of all, understanding circles of influence and where things fall. What can you control, what can you influence, and what can’t you control

      Additionally, think about what you can and can’t do to control or influence things, and do what steps you can. For me, that was often raising issues that I saw, but couldn’t control, to people higher up who should have more control. Even if nothing was done about it, it really helped me to know that I had at least taken what I steps I could – even if nothing came of it.

      That said, I also knew that when things were that bad I could only take it for so long before I would need to get out of the situation one way or another.

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    2. FlipItAround*

      This exactly.

      I was assigned to work 50% with department A and 50% with department B. Department A requested something simple (1-2 months) that was clearly their Top Priority, so I dove in and started work… only to be told that Wasn’t The Way They Do Things in department A. How dare I bypass their Process. I hadn’t even been introduced to all the committee members yet; they would do that at a meeting which they were planning to schedule sometime in the next six months. I spent months trying to explain that there was really no need to do all that, the project was actually quite simple, I could release something and change it if desired later, but no. They had a Process that would be followed.

      Once I accepted that, I realized that I could make the entire department A happy doing *no work whatsoever* other than showing up at a meeting every few months. I threw myself into working for department B, which actually appreciated it when I got things done.

      Eventually, department A stopped blocking me and let me gather requirements for the project, which took less than 2 months to complete. Finally, just under 2 years after the project was proposed, I finally completed the project for department A: a freaking email alert.

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    3. gmg22*

      This is crucial, I think, to making the “not my circus, not my monkeys” approach work: having a manager who gets it and who backs you up with an understanding of what you should vs. shouldn’t burden yourself with (or at least not bear the burden alone).

      I was in this position six months ago, and my manager was, I’ve sadly had to conclude, too focused on their own trajectory at the organization to do this effectively — they wanted their team to be the centerpiece of the org, sort of the hub of the wheel that no one else could function without, and for themselves to be seen as indispensable as a result. So when somebody “kicked down” from upper management, I too often felt I had to take the brunt of it and be the one trying to come up with the perfect solution on my own — even if there was a clear barrier to any solution being maintained by the same upper management. I couldn’t make it work, and as a result I’ve since moved on.

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  4. TeaCoziesRUs*

    The second half of Alison’s advice reminds me of Primates of Park Avenue, which I still think about every now and then, particularly when I’m in an environment that is completely different from my own. I kind of love this outlook – it’s a 5 year experiment. If you exert pressure on X, expecting Y result but getting B, then can you replicate it and adjust? If you decide Z isn’t worth your time or energy, and expect F to be the outcome, but someone else wakes up and continues your trajectory, then what do you learn? It can be a good cognitive exercise.

    In a very small way I do this with license plates on a drive. The plate I’m staring at has the number 58479. Can I divide it by 3? 9? Can I break it down mentally into its component pieces? It keeps my brain active on the drive, while giving no outcome other than the satisfying of seeing how far I can break it down. :D

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  5. Sloanicota*

    I’ve worked at some real dumpster fires and I would also add, sometimes it’s very doable to carve out the thing you care about at work and keep doing a good job at it, while ignoring or not engaging with a lot of the chaos. Depends on the role for sure, but weirdly there are often little islands of calm and you can become one. “This place sure is a mess but I tell you what, the payroll is processed cleanly every single month” can be your contribution if possible. Works best in programs nobody cares about where you can secure your own funding and then so sadly can’t engage on the rest of it as you are So Busy with Program but good luck …

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    1. Sloanicota*

      The perfect island: 1. Is kind of boring/wonky so nobody else wants to take it from you, and they also don’t understand it enough that they are somewhat afraid of it. 2. Can be managed somewhat independently / autonomously, at least with the right strategic planning. 3. Matters enough that others value it but not so much that anyone gets jealous of it. 4. Has its own revenue stream. 5. Requires no more than 1 or 1.5 FTE to administer.

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      1. Boof*

        Nice! This is also good – OP focus on keeping your own bubble the way you like it and try to put on headphones and ignore all the rest – it’s out of your control anyway so take pride in your bubble!

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  6. Athenae*

    As a lifelong fixer of things, let me tell you something I realized when I quit my last job:

    You CAN fix it. You don’t have to.

    You CAN fix it. People may not want it fixed.

    Trying to change calcified ingrown processes and multiple missing stairs and drama llamas is not a recipe for your happiness especially not with three little ones. Let your co-workers go to hell the way they want to.

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    1. H.Regalis*

      This is a good point to raise and dovetails with what Alison said. If you, LW, have a compulsive need to fix things and *cannot* let this go, then it’s good to leave.

      I have a friend who is like this and I’ve had to cut down on talking to her because all she can talk about is same song, different verse about how everything at her job is fucked and I cannot listen to it anymore. She is deeply unhappy.

      If you can let it go and are able to go in and do your job and go home without all of the bullshit making your blood pressure skyrocket, then I think it’s worth staying, but only if that is something you can actually do. It sounds like the rest of your life has been much, much better at this place and that you have been happier. Work isn’t the only thing in life.

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    2. Gudrid The Well-Traveled*

      I’ve been in many positions where an Ideas Person just needed an Organized Implementer to get things done and build the business. I could definitely fill that role, but I never have because I don’t want to implement other people’s dreams. I’d rather save my energy for my own.

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      1. Beth*

        And even when you’re down to be the Organized Implementer that an Ideas Person needs, there’s no guarantee of success! I’m good at implementation but honestly not much of an ideas person, so I find myself there a lot. Some Ideas People are thrilled to have me there, give me the info I need, and say thank you for the results. Others throw a “wouldn’t it be cool if” one-liner out there, refuse any follow-up questions or discussion, and then get mad when they don’t have their exact vision in their hands a week later. I’m an implementation manager, not a mind reader or time traveler.

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    3. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Also this: just because you CAN do something doesn’t necessarily mean that you SHOULD. If the thing you can do leaves you with little capacity for other things, then maybe you shouldn’t do it it. I guess that’s not necessarily advice for how OP can stop caring so much, but it’s a way to realize that it’s okay to not do All The Things even if you think someone should be doing them. You have other fish to fry, OP, and it’s okay to let some things go. In this case, those things are not actual work tasks but the mental load of caring about all the work things that aren’t getting done.

      TBH, though, it really does sound like you’re just *done* with this place and should find another place to work with less drama. I promise there are some out there! (Hard to find in this economy, I suppose, but they do exist.)

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  7. v*

    You are exchanging your time for their money. But it’s also a substantial amount of your working hours. So I do think it’s nice to check in with yourself about whether you want to keep doing this job while caring less or whether you might look for a job that feels like a less annoying way to spend your days.

    Either answer is fine! In the mean time, I’ve found that treating myself very nicely during work hours helps. Tasty lunches. Taking breaks to do whatever light physical activity I can. Favourite lip balms. Because I’m leasing the company this time, but crucially, I’m also living through it and it should be as pleasant a life as I can make.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      Yeah also I think you need to know your lines in the sand and have a Plan B because these chaotic places can erode out from under you. Maybe previously you were happy to roll your eyes at the insane ED and keep eating tasty lunches because you were remote, but you would never agree to go back to the office and have to get yelled at by insane ED. Maybe you can roll with a lot of hiring/firing but not with losing your benefits. It’s good to know where your limits are. Realistically OP can probably find another 9-5 style job if she only needs five years or so.

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    3. Hlao-roo*

      I agree with this advice! I want to add on, if you do choose the “time to look for a different job” option, there are choices within that choice too. You could choose to launch a full-out job search (less time for your personal life/kids in the short term, but you get out of your current job faster and end the search) or you could casually job search (only applying to jobs that seem like they have all of the perks of your current job with fewer drawbacks). Or something in between.

      It’s possible that a casual job search will make it easier to stay at your current job. Sometimes feeling like “I can leave if I chose to” has a dampening effect on the craziness/messiness of your current job.

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      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I do recommend the casual job search! I did it for my current job and it was really worth it to only apply for positions that seemed like they’d be a step up from where I was and had better benefits overall. And doing as AAM always says and working my then-current job as if I’d be there forever. (Although truth be told, since I was hoping to leave asap I did spend a lot of my workdays updating our SOPs. I ended up having plenty of time for this, since the nightmare coworker who was 97% of why I was leaving somehow convinced the higher ups that they should freeze all my long-term projects.)

        As for the casual job search, it’s kind of fun to look at job listings and be like, “Oooh, I can totally see myself working at that company!” or “Lol, no, for *that* pay? Hecking not.” Kind of like looking at housing listings if you’re into that sort of thing.

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  8. Ping*

    I’m on something of a similar journey. Part of my Issues is feeling responsibility for things outside my control. People who can just let that go astound me. But they probably weren’t blamed for things out of their control as a child, so I assume that helps. :| My current company has issues that frustrate me. I’ve been trying to learn, not to not care, but to let got of the feelings of responsibility about it. I can’t do anything about a certain person I work with. They aren’t on my team, but they make chaos for us. But they have protection from consequences of doing poorly at their job. Since I cannot change anything, I’m trying to accept it. I need to ask them for stuff to be set up right, make sure they know to follow up on things, and generally do more than I “should.”

    This is new territory for me, so I don’t have any helpful advice, just want to make sure LW knows they’re not alone!

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    1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Responsibility and authority are two sides of the same coin. You cannot have one without the other. If you have the authority to do/change something, that decision falls on your shoulders and you are responsible for it. But if you do not have authority over something and someone (even yourself), tries to make you responsible for it, you aren’t in charge, you are just a scapegoat.

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  9. Mouse named Anon*

    LW – I have noticed throughout my career that its quite difficult to institute big changes at work. Unless you are a senior manager with a lot pull, changes are difficult to come by.

    Perhaps its my age, place in life or the state of the world, but I have stopped caring so much about work. I don’t really work in a field where my work greatly impacts the well being of people or other living things. So I come to work, put in my 9-5 and work hard while I am here and then I go home. I take my PTO and sick leave. I am team player while I am here, but once 5pm and/or Friday roll around I am out and off the clock. Most companies care very little about you and I have seen and experienced too many times. I know this may seem a little angry but its my experience. I understand how you feel bc I was once there too. I wish you the best in dealing with this.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      I like it when orgs take the Agency approach to things like this, and have the “powerful appointed group” that gets to swish around acting important and going to meetings and engaging in petty squabbles for power, with lots of Yelling! and Drama! … and then have a “career” group that keeps their heads down and humbly does all the work. And I never get close to the former group and all is pretty happy.

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  10. CubeFarmer*

    Our admin situation is a dumpster fire. We really need to fire our current admin and start over with someone new, but that isn’t going to happen.

    A couple of years ago I stepped in to straighten out a process that was a mess and that was affecting my work. The admin not only adopted the new process (fine,) but she also wanted to abdicate the rest of her job to me (!!!) Oh, no, sweetie. I would have been happy to help troubleshoot, or test something out, but there’s absolutely no way that I’m taking over for you. I have my own role. Lesson learned. There have been several spots in recent years where I thought, “Hmm, it would be easier if she did XYZ. Why doesn’t she use this function to do this more efficiently?” but I keep all that to myself, unless it’s affecting my work. They I privately make the changes that I need and keep it to myself.

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  11. Boof*

    Honestly OP it may be worth putting feelers out for a new job if only to reassure yourself that this is good enough for now vs maybe you’ll find something with good QOL and less of a demoralizing quagmire.

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    1. Pajama Mommas*

      Seconding this! Sometimes looking for other positions has helped me to realize either:
      1. Oh, other places where I could be are actually worse! Good thing I’m here!
      2. There are other places out there that have good work-life balance and without the things I dislike about this job. I can try to work for one of them instead.
      Either way, it clarifies in my head that I am CHOOSING this and am not stuck here.

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      1. Boof*

        Exactly; I was getting frustrated by a few things at my current job / started thinking the grass is greener but once I asked around; eh I was NOT excited about moving / it made me feel a little better about my current situation + helped me identify the big pain points that I actually had some control over / could keep working on.

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    2. Sara without an H*

      I’ve said for years that every worker should be prepared to look, i.e. have a current resume, contact info for people who could serve as references, etc. It can be good to look at job listings just to see what skills are currently in demand — so that you can be sure you have those skills.

      I wonder, too, if the LW could suss out some professional development opportunities that she can persuade her current employers to pay for? I launched a successful escape from The Job From Hell by signing up for professional development courses in a part of the field I wanted to move into. (Hell, Inc. was cheap with salaries, but surprisingly generous with development support.)

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    3. learnedthehardway*

      Agreeing – knowing your options can really help you determine whether or not the trade-off you’re making is worth it.

      Who knows? Perhaps there is another organization out there where you can make a real difference, while having work/life balance?

      One negative thing about staying in a role/company that is comfortable but where you cannot improve situations that really need to be improved is that when you look at future opportunities, often hiring managers are looking for people who improved processes / made an impact / etc. If you stay too long at an organization where that simply isn’t possible, it can have a long term effect on your career growth opportunities. You may get pegged as someone who keeps the lights on, but who doesn’t advance the organization – that may mean it is harder to find impactful roles in future, because you haven’t had the opportunity to be impactful in your current (rather long term) position. This is one of those maddening things about careers – you have to be in a situation where you CAN have accomplishments in order to get those accomplishments. Not that it is impossible to regain the trajectory of your career – just that it can slow things up while you take a lateral role where you can have an impact, instead of moving to a more senior role when you are ready for career growth.

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  12. Alex*

    I have to remind myself of this A LOT. I work a part time job in addition to my full time one. My full time one is where I choose to spend my mental energy, both because it is fulfilling, I believe in the mission, it is something I enjoy, etc. My part time job, while I have some wonderful coworkers, can be a giant mess. It is a smaller business with the typical problems of small businesses. There’s tons there that doesn’t make sense, is horribly ineffective, makes customers angry, etc. If it were my job to do so, there is so much I would change about how that place is run! So many issues that could be easily avoided with some basic SOPs!

    But I just tell myself…aren’t I glad this isn’t my problem? Like, sure, I could do something about it if I had the power, but I don’t, and I don’t want to spend mental energy caring about this job. I remind myself that if they offered me the power to fix this problems, would I want that power? The answer is no, because I have other things to worry about in my life. In my case, it is my other job, my health, etc. In your case, that is your kids, family, etc. If you WERE to be responsible for these problems, you wouldn’t have that bandwidth that you have now.

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  13. Mid*

    Oooh this is very timely and relevant. What’s been helping me is a combination of 1. pretending it’s a sociology experiment like Alison suggests (How does an organization operate so messily and yet somehow get record profits? How does anything get done when everyone has to go through 14 layers of conflicting information and red tape? Let’s observe and enjoy my paycheck.) and 2. reinvesting my energy in things I care about that aren’t my job. I’ve asked friends and family to help flag it for me when I bring up work in conversation, and I’m making a conscious effort to keep work during Work Hours, and enjoy life during Non Work Hours. When I want to think/talk/vent about work outside of Work Hours, I redirect to hobbies/travel/family/friends/games/pets/literally anything that isn’t work. I’m trying to channel a more positive version of Severance.

    And when I’m really frustrated, I have a running document of complaints/semi-hilarious but infuriating processes/policies/contradictions that I just add my new sticking point to. Sometimes I’ll spend a little time thinking about things I would fix with my Magic Wand of Corporate Competence, but mostly I just write things down as a way to get them out of my head. It’s all work appropriate, and none of the frustrations would surprise anyone, so I’m not worried about anyone seeing it. It’s just things like “Why does X go to the Y department and Y go to the X department? Why are X and Y even separate departments?” “Why do I have to fill out triplicate forms digitally, and why are two of those forms not properly formatted so I can’t tab/enter between fields and have to click into each box?” And then I remind myself I’m paid by the hour and so if things are horribly inefficient, that’s the company’s loss, not mine.

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  14. Lacey*

    My phone alarm that work is about to start says, “stop caring”

    I work from home, so I’ve thought about making a sign to put over my desk.
    A sort of apathy mantra, if you will.

    No one else cares about this work, so why should I?
    The only reason is that it’s going to be a bit harder to leave, because… well.
    What achievements will I be putting on my resume? Not losing it with my coworkers?
    I’ll finess it somehow. But it’s not worth trying to fix it when no one wants me to.

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  15. Landry*

    I look at my job as purely transactional. I provide a service and am paid for it. Nothing more, nothing less. I look at everything as “just business” and never take anything personally. I certainly want to do good work and I am frequently complimented on the quality of what I do. But, it’s just what I do, not who I am.

    This has been a mindset shift for me because I definitely approached things differently at OldJob, where I was for over a decade. I got really personally invested in everything and the people there. In the end, it didn’t matter — I was tossed out like old garbage when a new regime wanted to take things in a different direction, regardless of any relationships I thought I had built or the work I had done. I swore to myself I would never get emotionally invested in a job again after that. Now, it’s just work.

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  16. LCS*

    I feel like I wrote this – but with one twist. Even in my lower stress job, I still manage a team. While I can (mostly) get my head around the mantra of “I’m here for the pay cheque, not personal fulfillment” I struggle that when I disengage and stop block and tackling the crazy, they suffer. Does the advice / strategies change when it’s not just an individual contributor role?

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    1. Angstrom*

      I would say that you do have to care a bit — it’s still your job to manage your team, and to try to shield them from the crazy as best you can. You don’t have to care about the company but you should try to care about your people.

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    2. Smithy*

      I came here to say this to the OP, but I think this can apply really well to someone managing – and that is to direct that effort to care a whole lot on only what you can control.

      The most chaotic and toxic place where I ever worked, I had a supervisor who was absolutely incredible in getting me to think about goals, metrics, KPI’s all within the world of what we could control. There was both mess around us at the organization (which no doubt impacted our ability to get stuff done), and then we worked with external partners who we also couldn’t really control. It made the challenge to super focus and identify what we could control, what we could count, and what we could report up (if anyone ever did bother to ask).

      While it did absolutely zero in that workplace, it helped me become far better at setting personal goals, thinking about them creatively, using them as a tool with future managers who I perhaps found difficult, etc. Additionally, it also helped me keep focus on my universe and at least stress less on the issues beyond my world.

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  17. Aphrodite*

    I work in a very toxic department in a community college that is itself toxic. I also got a promotion but am still support staff. But a couple of years ago I made a very conscious decision to not give a damned f**k any more. It is what it is. I cannot change it and I no longer care one whit about it. I tell anyone looking to take an adult ed class not to bother but I don’t go out of my way to trash it. The reason I stay is that I have more than twenty years in–AND the world’s best benefits, especially health, with a 100% PPO that has completely covered amazing (and astonishingly expensive, I’ve no doubt) care for the last three years. I am also paid very well, having earned longevity pay and extra pay for something else.

    So, yay, I care not at all about work but I happily do my job as best I can and take the pay and benefits. I am completely content with that tradeoff. But I don’t care and I don’t care that I don’t care. It doesn’t affect my doing my job. But it makes my personal, albeit real, life wonderful!

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  18. juliebulie*

    When I find myself getting worked up over some work-related thing that upsets me but I can’t control, I remind myself to think more about the things that are my real priorities – family, friends, household stuff, even lunch. It’s helpful.

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  19. ProbablyNotBatman*

    I’m in a bit of a similar boat and this is the mindset that’s really helped me — if my manager is happy with me, then I’m doing the amount work that he expects based on what they pay me.
    Anything else that’s going beyond, or going the extra mile — including mental effort/involvement in deeper problems — is stuff that I’m effectively not getting paid for.

    A lot of people get wrapped up in their head that they own their company a lot of mental energy. but you don’t! You owe them what they pay you for. And if that rings true to you, then here’s permission from an Internet stranger to simply let go

    There are nuances of course, like there is with *anything*, but the key bit is don’t let yourself suffer for nothing.

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  20. Dinwar*

    One bit of advice I haven’t seen here yet: Make sure your documentation is in order. The thing with chaotic organizations is that they often look for scapegoats. And if your documentation is in order, you can avoid having that target painted on your back. Doesn’t always work–I’ve had plenty enough times where I’ve had ample documentation and still was the scape goat–but at least it gives you a fighting chance.

    As a bonus, it lets you firmly see who’s responsible for the issues. You’ve identified them and run them up the chain of command; when things go wrong, you know it wasn’t you, it was so-and-so.

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  22. Combinatorialist*

    The other thing to think about it is what do you want to do in five years. If you want to return to the high pressure environment, is this job positioning you to do so? Will you have accomplishments to talk about on your resume and in interviews? In addition to asking if the job can be right for you now, is it also right for where you want to be?

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  23. OldTiredRN*

    I had a job I really loved, was devoted to. It was a professional niche job, very unusual that played to my strengths. After 10 years, a new director was hired and he….took umbrage at what I had accomplished. He stopped an outreach program I ran and wanted me to essentially file all day. I went to EAP who listened to my concerns. She told me something that changed my world. “You care too much about this job”. She went on to say she thought I had *become* the mission and that the reality was the director could have me cleaning windows if he wanted.

    That stayed with me and I transferred out to a different role. But I took that with me as a mantra to level my expectations about work.

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  25. colin broccoli*

    i used to work at a dysfunctional museum, and before that a dysfunctional bike shop. I just wrote my own tv episodes in my head for what it would be like if an episode of The Office was set there. helped me laugh a lot of it off.

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  26. Fluffy Fish*

    Something that worked for me was the mantra “I get paid the same”.

    I get paid the same whether I’m stressing about this bananas thing i can’t control and really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things OR whether i just shrug and go about my business.

    I get paid the same whether I’m doing my boss wants me to do this dumb task that’s really a waste of time or not. If that’s what he wants me to spend an hour of my time on – I get paid the same.

    It’s really helped me disengage and shrug off a lot of the pointless drama and hand-wringing.

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  27. Apex Mountain*

    I have been there in a similar scenario. A few years ago I took a step back to work in a less stressful and demanding role, though with a little less pay also. It’s been a great tradeoff.

    The job I took was at a company with a lot of “growing pains” to put it kindly. But, whenever I did start to get frustrated about these things I would try to remember the reason for taking this kind of job in the first place.

    You say it very well in your first paragraph – just think of that

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  28. higheredadmin*

    OP, also took a career change to something less stressful but more flexible to focus on family. I can’t work unless I care and have a goal, so I focus on: a) am I doing the best that I can do in my specific job; b) is my performance at good enough for my manager; c) am I polite, friendly, professional and helpful with my colleagues; d) am I using time/opportunities at work to pick up skills that will help me in the future (my employer has LinkedIn learning, just to provide an example); e) when I find an issue I use the approved reporting methods and take satisfaction in doing that task – my job is to identify the errors as I usually have no authority myself to correct it; f) am I being responsible and efficient with my work time. And G – when you are spending that time with your family, take a beat to consciously enjoy it. Every weekend that is now all mine, I move through it reminding myself that it is a blessing to have the time to go to a track meet with my kids or sit snuggled up watching a movie as a family.

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    1. higheredadmin*

      Also – this affirmation every day: I cannot control other people’s behaviour, but I can choose how I react to it.

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  29. Pounce de Lion*

    I attempted “coping by not caring” and found that I was getting good at it, which was not a skill I wanted to cultivate. That can spill over into other aspects of life, not to mention future jobs. Changed jobs.

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    1. Philosophia*

      Sending sympathy. I was in the same boat for years, but for multiple reasons I needed to hang on to ToxicPosition. Trying to learn not to care was itself stressful. Fortunately the person who made that attitude necessary moved on and I could start unlearning it.

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  30. JSPA*

    one option:

    1. read some old middle brow-to-lowbrow “working woman and mom” novels (Eudora Welty to Erma Bombeck).

    2. take notes, leaning in HARD on the humor potential of the undercurrents of ridiculousness.

    3. Enjoy writing and honing your novel as your youngest needs less time; send to publishers as you launch your job search in ~4 years.

    whether or not you get published, you’ve been able to see every freak out, inanity, own-goal, drama session as a bonus for the book. And if none of of rises to comic gold, you get a certain level of assurance that this isn’t really the worst situation, just a standard level of human imperfection.

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  31. Bitte Meddler*

    I was hired into my role to improve processes and find efficiencies.

    It’s 1.5 years later, and only one of my recommendations has been implemented. The others were shot down for being too time-consuming to implement (even though, timewise, they’d pay for themselves in 2-3 months) or too expensive (like buying software that would replace tedious, error-prone manual processes).

    On the one hand, it’s very frustrating to spin my wheels.

    On the other hand, my paychecks clear every two weeks and I get to work from home.

    Everything I’ve done is fully documented so if, in the future, an exec blows their stack because we’re spending three weeks on month-end close, I can at least sympathetically agree with their frustration and point out my recommendations from a year ago that would have significantly shortened the process.

    And, in the end, it’s still a really good learning experience for me. In future interviews, while I won’t be able to point to huge time- or money-savings, I will be able to talk about the issues I saw and the recommendations I made, and any employer who has already implemented those things will agree with me that they were good ideas.

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    1. Box of Rain*

      On the other hand, my paychecks clear every two weeks and I get to work from home.

      I often remind myself of this when I can walk my dog three mornings a week while listening in to a 60+ minute meeting that rarely applies to me. She’s the best coworker I’ve ever had and my current job allows for that.

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  32. Certaintroublemaker*

    My first thought was similar to detaching like a sociologist doing a study, but I was thinking television writer. What gems of comedy could you mine from the idiocy and drama everyone around you is generating?

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  33. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

    In general, I try to be amused at the ridiculousness to avoid getting angry about stuff.

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  34. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    Try to regard it as just a job, not a calling.
    Work for me was always what I did in exchange for money. No other reason, no emotion involved, just a business arrangement.

    I worked conscientiously during my agreed hours, gave my opinion / advice as appropriate and accepted sometimes it would not be taken.
    Outside working hours, I was not paid to work or to be on call, so I didn’t think about work.

    At earlier jobs I also learned to accept that sometimes an employer made what I considered poor decisions. I would not have been emotionally affected if managers or coworkers were slackers or idiots and would only have job hunted if I felt this put my job or future raises in jeopardy.

    My line in the sand was that I wouldn’t do anything I considered seriously immoral, or of course anything approaching illegal. Fortunately neither arose at any job, but if it had I would definitely have either left immediately (if finances allowed) or job hunted.

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  35. Tea Monk*

    My husband has this problem. He’s very invested in whether his company makes good decisions but it’s not his circus or his monkeys. This is different from my overinvestment which is more internal…

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  36. The Dude Abides*

    Two similar turns of phrase I’ve learned to apply in this situation

    Not your dumpster, not your fire.

    Not your circus, not your monkeys.

    It only becomes your problem when you’re paid fair compensation to find the solution.

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  38. cathy*

    When I worked at my old company & they would have us do “stupid stuff” (giant multi-national corp- no one listened to me) I decided one day that I can whine and moan, and still have to do the stupid stuff, or I could just do the stupid stuff. I always ended up having to do it anyway and it saved me a lot of angst.

    But the real solution was finding a new job. :-)

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  39. Jake*

    I’d be very cautious about switching jobs if I were in your shoes. What if the new job looks great initially but turns out to require more of your time and/or is more stressful, and adversely impacts your precious family time? Do you want to risk it? I don’t think I would. I’d keep a picture of the kids in my cube/office and look at as a reminder of why I’m willing to put up with my current but frustrating job until the kids get a bit older.

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  40. GreenDoor*

    Love the idea of reminding yourself of the good things you get out of this job, like more time with your kids. But what also helps me is to find things – in my workday – that make it worthwhile. They’re not big things, but they bring me joy and I’ve made them part of my work week. Like how our cafeteria serves the world’s best bacon on Tuesday mornings. Or going for a lunch walk up 53rd Street so I can watch the progress on the new school construction. Or going to the hardware store on my lunch and window shopping in the garden section. I’ve trained my brain to savor these little workday joys and to see them as a wonderful break from all the annoyances I have to deal with.

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  41. NotmyUsualName*

    I took a step down in my career for many of the same reasons. When I start feeling the urge to care too much I remind myself that if I wanted that stress level I could go back to making double the money. That option is out there.

    I honestly will pull up my pay portal and look at my paystub and remind myself that this is the pay grade I WANT to be which means this is not my circus. Have pictures of your family in your office space or laptop background. Remind yourself of the trade off.

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  42. mood*

    I struggle with this so much. For me I have the challenge that I’m in a “passion” field and have gotten multiple advanced degrees in the field. Thinking of it as “just a job” feels like a pretty significant loss for me and I am struggling with, do I let go? Do I let go for now, like ‘see you later’? Do I invest myself in different ways?

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    1. Philosophia*

      There was a discussion (with links) on this blog recently, I believe, about librarianship as a “passion” field/calling. One of the articles linked to discussed how the belief that librarianship is a calling is inculcated. Maybe figuring out the extent to which you still truly believe that your work is a calling, and how much of that belief came from outside you and/or is a remnant of your past, would help you consider whether you can come to think of your current work—at least in part—as just a job. Good luck!

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  43. Box of Rain*

    Here are the three ways I help myself care less.

    1. I have a printed out meme near my desk that says: “Places you can stay for free–1. Your lane.” I wrote underneath it: “You have enough of your own ish to take care of.” It’s honestly helped as a SFW visual reminder to myself to not care so much.

    2. I have a grounding question related to my work. Mine right now is: “Is this related to a learning objective?” If he answer is no, I let whatever it is gooooo.

    3. I also have “DO NOT HAVE IDEAS” written on my in-office whiteboard, so I may not be someone you should take advice from. lol

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  44. Tired today*

    I have never been very good at not caring about my workplace or my work. If you’re seriously burnt out, can’t fix it, and also are responsible for three young children, maybe you would be better served looking for another job. I realize that’s easier said than done, but it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and may not be able to disengage from caring about the dumpster fire. That is your workplace.

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  45. Emmy*

    I just want to say, refusing to gossip about it has helped me not feel so involved. I just excuse myself from the conversation once it becomes more gossip than productive.

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  46. Elbe*

    I heard advice to mentally narrate the office goings on in the style of David Attenborough. It works because it creates some mental distance between you and what is happening – you’re not in it, you’re just observing it.

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  47. Anon Attorney*

    The hours may be fine at this job, but you’re getting stressed from it. I am someone who can’t not care. It is too maddening for me. Don’t trick yourself into thinking this is the only job that will give you time with your kids. Work for a different organization. Start applying for other things! Your kids will thank you for it.

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  48. Delta Delta*

    So, one day not long ago I was on the phone with a colleague about an issue. She was kind of going on and on about something that wasn’t important and finally I said, “I just don’t care about this.” And then she and I laughed that I said that out loud. And since then I realize that if I don’t care about something I just say it. And it makes it much easier NOT to care if I can say it out loud. Practice it several times and then suddenly you don’t care. Administrative drama? Don’t care! Red tape? Don’t care! You’ll feel like you’re floating.

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  49. Jinni*

    Do you have something else to occupy your mind when you go to the place of worrying about problems they’re not fixing? I joined an organization that was (still is) a mess. It has to exist because it provides accreditation for professionals in the state of California. It’s a big state with a gazillion people, so the organization will never go away.

    Once I realized they were entrenched in their dysfunction, I found something else to do in my head. A long meeting about something that’s never going to change? I worked out my vacation plans. I had plans to pay down my school debt (which is why I had the job) and renovate my house which I sketched out during more meetings….

    I simply found something else to do with my brain. I got 5/5 in evaluations, so as far as I was concerned it worked for everyone involved. I also, though, had to disconnect from ‘work’ friends who wanted to constantly complain. That helped quite a bit as well.

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  50. HannahS*

    Sometimes I find it helpful to say things like, “This larger issue isn’t my job unless I decide to make it my job, and doing that would require [whatever, usually investing a lot of time and energy] and I’m choosing not to do that. So actually my job here is just to XYZ.” Also, I meal-plan or make my grocery list or plan out craft projects when I’m stuck in meetings that have nothing to do with me.

    Seeing a job as “just a job” is kind of hard to put into words. I guess, for me, it’s about distilling down my role into actions and reminding myself that this set of actions is my job.

    I’ll give an example. I’m a resident doctor in a country with socialized healthcare (but a system in crisis post-covid.) Right now, I am assigned to work once a week for an “urgent care clinic” Generally, the cases are not really all that urgent, and they often already have a doctor from my specialty, so it’s really more of a “second opinion clinic.” I could either:
    1. Fume at how this is a terrible use of resources considering the number of people who can’t even get a first opinion, be annoyed at the duplication of work, be annoyed about how this doesn’t contribute much to my education, think about talking about it with the rotation coordinator or the hospital coordinator, try and learn about the referral and triage process to fix what’s wrong OR
    2. See the patient in the time allotted, assess them thoroughly, discuss a treatment plan with them, and document it as expected. And then go home to my toddler.

    There will be other times in my career where I might take a bigger-picture approach and try to Fix Things. But not right now.

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  51. SBH*

    I was in a similar situation. I finally came to understand that I was under no obligation to help people who didn’t think they needed it and didn’t want it. I narrowed my focus and limited my extra efforts at work to people and situations where I was reasonably confident my input would be welcomed and appreciated. By not banging my head against the brick wall, I ultimately made MORE of an impact than I otherwise would and gained valuable allies for the future. Don’t see it as disrespecting your organization, but rather respecting yourself!

    Reply ↓

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