should managers go to happy hour with employees?

by Alison Green on March 10, 2025

A reader writes:

What are your thoughts and the etiquette around getting drinks with coworkers when you’re in leadership position?

I’m a female, on a younger side, in a leadership role at a small-to-medium size organization. We recently had a company event, after which 5–10 people went out for drinks and stayed for a couple of hours. It was just great to see some colleagues that are often in different locations, and most of them do not report to me.

A while later, an exec mentioned that he thought it was inappropriate to go out drinking with subordinates. I understand that colleagues may not always feel comfortable with their bosses being present at happy hours, but this was not the case here. I want to make sure I don’t undermine my reputation as a professional.

There are ways to do it that would be unprofessional, but the mere act of getting drinks with people lower in the hierarchy than you isn’t unprofessional. In fact, sometimes it’s part of the job for managers to put in an appearance at work social functions, even informal ones, to get to know people in a more relaxed setting (and let them get to know you) as well as to appear like a reasonably warm, approachable human who enjoys their colleagues’ company.

To a point, of course. It will be less professional if you’re always the one organizing it (which, given the power dynamics, doesn’t leave a lot of room to learn people aren’t that enthusiastic about going, or doing it so often), or if you’re always the last to leave, or if you drink to the point of drunkenness (or even to the point of letting down your inhibitions, beyond perhaps a round of karaoke that you wouldn’t have done without a glass of wine in you).

In general, if people who report to you will be there, I’m a fan of going for an hour and then excusing yourself. You make an appearance, but then you leave people to chat without the boss around.

That said, I’d want to know more about the executive who made the comment. Is he someone with a lot of influence over your career? If so, it’s useful to be aware of his thinking. Is he someone known to be stand-offish himself, in a way that has negatively affected how he’s perceived? If so, view his comment through that lens. Was there something about this particular event that might have triggered the remark, like that it got particularly rowdy and Bob from Accounting was passed out by the copier the next morning? That would give the comment more nuance than just “never have a drink with subordinates.”

But otherwise, it’s an awfully rigid rule that doesn’t align with how many good managers operate.

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{ 87 comments }

{ 87 comments… read them below }

  1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    Maybe I’m reading something into it that is just a paraphrase, but I think there’s a difference between “having a drink with subordinates” and “going out drinking with subordinates”. It’s partly about intent: social time with alcohol vs alcohol is the reason you’re together. Alison alludes to it, but it would be worthwhile figuring out the senior exec’s thoughts about that as well.

    2. Antilles*

      I think you’re reading too much into those phrases; in my experience, they’re basically synonyms. Some people do differentiate (e.g., “a drink” means one while “going out drinking” means plenty), but enough people use them fully interchangeably that I wouldn’t read anything into the exact phrase used.

      1. renata ricotta*

        I had the same reaction Alton Brown’s Evil Twin. “Going out drinking” sounds like whole night out with an awful lot more alcohol/loose behavior than a 2-hour after work event where people have 1-2 drinks and some snacks and then get home before 8 pm. So if the exec believed/assumed it to be way more intense than it was, I would want to clarify that I did not in fact have a prolonged night of drunkenness and bar hopping, and it was much more akin to an evening mixer at a conference with a bar (where it would generally be seen as completely appropriate for a boss and subordinate to both have a drink).

      2. Kay*

        In my experience executives tend to be more careful about their phrasing. With how the LW described the situation I do think paying attention to the wording is the smartest move here.

      3. Not Tom, Just Petty*

        I think this is what OP is asking. Or what Alison is asking about where exec is coming from. Does he think that “OP goes out drinking with subordinates” is a problem or does he think that “going out with subordinates and having a drink ” is inappropriate.
        The former is good sense, the latter is very rigid.

    3. Nowwhat465*

      I had one boss who would do this perfectly. He’d buy a pitcher for the team for the first round, pour half a glass and quietly sip it. Then 45 minutes in his “phone would ring” and he would have to go home to get his kids.

      Readers, it was an alarm as I had known him for years and it was not the ringtone he normally used day to day. It was just an excuse to back out politely without seeming like he didn’t want to spend time with us.

      1. Crencestre*

        That sounds like a sensible and kind way to both show his employees that he enjoys their company AND to give them the freedom to loosen up a bit more than they could with their boss present! Tactful and thoughtful – good qualities in any manager.

      2. WantonSeedStitch*

        Yes, last time I was at a conference with people I managed, they invited me to join them for dinner and nightlife our first night there. I had dinner with them, bought everyone a drink since our expense cards didn’t cover alcohol, and then bid them a good evening and went to hang out with friends from other organizations while they went out to enjoy themselves without a manager around.

        1. LinuxSystemsGuy*

          Not to say you didn’t handle that correctly, you absolutely did, but I feel like the rules lighten a bit on travel too. Like I wouldn’t bat an eye if my boss wanted to do nightlife stuff with us at a conference. It might put a crimp in one or two people’s style (though the likely early morning may already do that), but not everyone knows people at conferences. I’d feel bad expecting my manager to spend the night alone in their room. (Which would be what I assumed they were doing unless they said otherwise).

          1. TeaCoziesRUs*

            Unless the manager is one of those, “JOY!! No more people-ing!!” dive into their jammies, and decompress in their favorite way possible kind of people. ;)

      3. Not The Earliest Bird*

        This is the ideal way of handling it. Boss buys the first round, and then excuses themselves after an acceptable amount of time.

      4. Reluctant Mezzo*

        There was a Blue Bloods episode where the commissioner really didn’t want to go to a memorial bar get-together, but was told he really needed to show the flag–so someone came up with the compromise of ‘having one beer’ and then sliding out.

    4. Festively Dressed Earl*

      I’m wondering about the timing. “A while later” – how long? “An exec mentioned that…” was he talking directly to OP, or otherwise obviously referring to her?

  2. Strive to Excel*

    I’d guess that the exec’s concern is that OP joined coworkers at an afterparty for 2-3 hours, not any drinking that may have occurred at a work event.

    1. Nicosloanica*

      Yeah there’s a couple ways “stayed for a couple of hours” could have looked, but I know I have to be careful not to appear as any kind of “party girl” at work (because I’m very social outside work and have some work friends who know me that way. At any type of work event, even the ones that seem designed to deliberately blur the lines, like “coworkers going to hang out in literal bars after work hours,” I try to be extra careful to just sip *one* drink and then switch to Sprite, and not be the one always suggesting the bar hangs / among the last to leave. But that’s me and a particular way I worry about being perceived, I don’t think it’s a general rule for everyone.

    2. Tai*

      Yes! When I first read this I don’t think I realized that OP went to an after party! That’s not the same thing as attending a happy hour for an hour or two and having two drinks! I’m not a supervisor, but I am a middle age professional and on the rare occasions I go to these things I stay three hours or less. My principal seems to stay two hours or less. I don’t get drunk and I am home by 8pm at the absolute latest. I don’t know what the exec said, but it would never occur to me to attend an after party with the younger and more junior staff that need to respect me for me to be effective at work.

    3. Martel*

      I totally agree! You can have a fun at a work sponsored happy hour without undermining your position as a manager. But an after party is kind of a vibe shift from “fun work event” to “drinking with friends from work” and that makes it much harder to maintain the kind of separation you need as a manager.

  3. L-squared*

    I think it is so context dependent that a blanket rule is tough.

    I was recently at a conference with my manager and some coworkers. A bunch of us went out for drinks, I wouldn’t expect the boss to NOT come to that.

    A standing happy hour you and your work friends do? Probably not. A going away happy hour for a coworker? Probably.

    1. Antilles*

      Even the standing happy hour can be context-dependent. My first company had a monthly happy hour where the entire branch was invited, some managers occasionally attended. It was never an issue because it was open to everybody, the managers were basically just a few people out of the 20 (or more) who’d show up, and it usually wasn’t even consistent who’d show up so it’s not like people who showed got some huge leg-up.
      If it’s a more exclusive event and then it’s just one manager with half of his subordinates meeting weekly? Then we’re back to “not appropriate”.

    2. Lily Rowan*

      In this case, with people from various locations at an event, it feels a lot more like the conference example and sounds fine to me (barring, as Alison said, drunken shenanigans).

    3. Smithy*

      I’d agree here.

      One place I worked, we’d have our annual gala (where alcohol was served) and then it was super common for staff of a variety of seniority levels to get drinks afterwards. In that case, a number of people would certainly have more than a 1-2 drinks over the course of the night, but again it was so customary for that job. Then I have a friend who’s a US federal employee and hasn’t been to a work event that had alcohol in years (if ever).

      In general when it comes to in-industry and in-employer norms around this type of thing – I do think this is an area where getting mentors at your place of work or in the industry are so helpful. I think a lot of people can common sense this, or give advice based on their workplace – but to truly get your employer or industry, it’s only going to go so far.

  4. Apex Mountain*

    This is absurd. So there can never be people of differnet levels at company events with alcohol?

    The caution about befriending your direct reports is just a guideline – doesn’t come in stone from Mt Sinai

    1. Spencer Hastings*

      I think the comment was not about the company event, but rather about going out with a group of 5-10 people *after* the event.

      1. Apex Mountain*

        Yes you’re right, though I don’t really see the difference. It’s just so common for a boss to occasionally join in on these things it shouldn’t even rate a comment from the exec

        1. Kay*

          The best bosses do see a difference though. A boss showing up for a drink – fine, a boss staying out with subordinates for hours after an event – moving away from fine territory. I think the guideline about not befriending your reports is a guideline for a very good reason because it is near impossible to objectively manage friends. Friendly – yes, friends – no.

          I think the exec was doing this manager a kindness by letting her know expectations for this particular company.

          1. Apex Mountain*

            It’s always better to err on the side of caution, but it’s really not that uncommon to maintain work friendships even with direct reports. Of course it takes maturity but it can be done – I’ve invited and been invited to parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc of bosses and reports over the years..

          2. fhqwhgads*

            ‘meh, to me it also makes a difference that though OP has direct reports, the people they were out with were not the reports. Just people who happen to be lower in the hierarchy. This is totally conference territory: people from out of town you otherwise never see in person. Unless specific inappropriate things happened, the going out and the duration do not strike me as inherently inappropriate at all. This is super normal where I’ve worked.

    2. Guacamole Bob*

      Alison has often pointed out the difference between being friendly with one’s reports, which is usually positive and which can include going to a happy hour together, and being friends, which can lead to real problems.

  5. A Person*

    I do wonder if it’s the after-party context of “after which 5–10 people went out for drinks and stayed for a couple of hours”. Obviously there’s no problem with having a drink as part of the company event or socializing there, but as a manager I’d probably avoid or (like Alison said) leave early from something more informal. For example, it wouldn’t be great if it felt like people who went out drinking were getting more access to the boss’s ear than people who had responsibilities / didn’t drink / etcetera.

    That said, the LW knows their situation best, and especially the more one-off nature of “colleagues that are often in different locations” might mean this was valuable generally and didn’t have the same risk as (say) always going to the after-work happy hour with a subset of the team.

  6. Wallaby, Well I'll Be*

    My old boss was remote in another state. He would come into town for a week every month. During that week, he would make a point of taking all of us out for dinner and drinks. This was not mandatory, but I always went, because it was fun. We’d all hang out for 2-3 hours, boss included, and it was great. It led to great conversations, both work-related and not. He really made a point of being chill, and hearing us out.

    We’re all adults. We don’t need our personal lives micromanaged.

    1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      That wasn’t your personal life. Going out with the boss is your work life. The fact that you liked it doesn’t change that. Also – this letter is about the boss, not the employee.

      Frankly, I don’t see how you can be a reader of this site and not see how often the boss *does* need to be better managed and isn’t behaving like an adult. And how often bosses step over the line into their subordinates’ lives. Power dynamic matter.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      Was it also great for the employees who weren’t able to or didn’t want to spend 2-3 hours every month dining and drinking with the boss? Because that’s usually a necessary indicator as to whether there’s favoritism happening.

      1. Freya*

        This. Because people with caretaking responsibilities are more likely to find it difficult to spend time this way instead of taking care of those responsibilities, and that means that they’d be getting less face time with a boss who was only in town for face time one week in four. They could be the best workers in the world, and still the fact that they have to get home on time to make sure grandma eats would mean they’re less visible to the person signing off on their payrises.

        1. TeaCoziesRUs*

          One would hope that managers who know Bob and Sue have to leave right on time will make an effort to take them to lunch instead. Same concept, slightly different atmosphere, same face time.

      2. Wallaby, Well I'll Be*

        I truly wonder what some of you picture when people talk about alcohol. Like, I think you’re imagining the Animal House toga party scene, not 8 30-something adults sitting around a table on a sunny patio sipping mocktails, eating curly fries and talking about what we studied in college. There’s a saying about grass, and making physical contact with it, but I won’t say it.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          There are a lot of employees who cannot regularly spend 2-3 hours after work dining with the boss (even with no drinking involved). They may have a longer commute, they may have caretaking responsibilities, they may not be able to afford to eat where the boss does, etc.

          If the people who can spend the time with the boss are favored over those who cannot, it’s a problem. It would be a problem whether the activity were dining, drinking, shopping, golf or extreme snowboarding.

  7. Someone Else's Boss*

    The rule of thumb I apply is to “make an appearance” at a function, pre-planned or otherwise. Then I try to do that only 80% of the time and to make sure I vary it so that if different people host/plan, I’m not skipping one person’s events every time. My goal is to be present and relatable, without putting my team in the position of not being able to relax without me. Personally, I prefer to skip mostly “spur of the moment” events and I’m sure to never go if it’s not inclusive of the entire team. So, if Monica and Rachael are going out, but didn’t invite Phoebe, I won’t attend. That’s not a work thing, that’s a social thing, and it just helps me draw lines. For what it’s worth, my rules were set to get me to show up more often, not less, so they may not apply to every scenario.

  8. Angstrom*

    My bosses have generally followed Alison’s suggestion: Buy the first round, be social for a bit, and then head out. It’s a good default.
    One never forgets about the power dynamic, even after hours. Even with bosses i knew well and liked there was still an undercurrent of “Is this some kind of test?”

    2. UKDancer*

      That’s always been my approach. If I can I go to work pub drinks, I buy a drink if appropriate and speak to people. I then leave because I don’t much enjoy them and it’s more fun for the team if I’m not there.

  9. Tea drinker*

    When I read this part: “It was just great to see some colleagues that are often in different locations, and most of them do not report to me.” it felt like more of a casual networking/catch-up with colleagues rather than a drunk fest (but I don’t know what exactly the “hang out for a couple hours” involved). And having those face to face connections with folks who are in other locations can be really beneficial. And this is coming from someone who has a hybrid work role, working in three different locations through the week

    I wonder if the exec is making as assumption based on her age (female, on the younger side)? Do they worry that she’ll have a party with her subordinates? Or is he concerned for her safety? Does he not believe she has common sense and appropriate professional decision-making abilities around socializing with work colleagues?

    1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      I was thinking the same thing. This sounds like normal stuff you might do after a conference or something. it doesn’t seem to be something really wild. I do wonder if the OP’s age and that she is a woman plays into this

    2. ILoveLlamas*

      I had the same thought that this might be a gender and/or age thing….. says the older woman who has see this type of dynamic before….

  10. Sneaky Squirrel*

    Is it possible that others would have considered it as “clique-y” if only those 5-10 people were invited after a company event? I don’t think it’s inappropriate for a leader to have drinks with colleagues after a work event within the confines of what others have already suggested, but if it felt exclusionary to others, going as a leader may put out the wrong impression to those who weren’t invited.

    1. Tea drinker*

      You make a good point. That’s a piece of info that’s missing – was it suggested as everyone was leaving the work event and giving all in attendance an opportunity to join, or an impromptu “Hey, I’m going to the pub for one more before going home/to bed. Anyone is welcome to join” as folks are leaving and some have left already. And who organized the gathering?

    2. Tau*

      Also what jumped out at me. Was this a case of, at the close of the work event, someone going “hey everyone! We’re heading to X Bar for some drinks, everyone’s welcome to join” and only those 5-10 people were interested? Or was it (or was it not but may have come off as) a closed group where only those who’d been invited explicitly were welcome, and that wasn’t the whole company? I saw the former happen a lot at OldJob, with managers (and even C-Level) being part of the afterwork group, and never really thought it was an issue despite never going myself. But if it had been the latter, and if my manager and some of my peers but not myself had been in the invite group, I would absolutely have had a problem with that.

  11. After work drinks are fun!*

    I have had quite a few managers that I really liked and respected who would absolutely go out for drinks with the team after work or after events where we were already socializing in a more professional setting. It was always optional, so you didn’t have to join or you could just come out for a bit. But the more senior leaders would all be drinking for hours on end and would usually be the last to leave rather than the first! (Maybe because they were all men and really liked to drink?)
    It might have been a product of the industry I was in at the time (wholesale banking), but it seemed a very common practice and was in no way seen as unprofessional. It helped with networking and relationship building, and made the bosses seem more approachable.
    I liked the practice, but I will admit that it might not be the most inclusive for people who don’t like to drink or have family commitments after work. Although, I personally never noticed it negatively impacting those team members who didn’t come out or who only stayed for an hour or so. And we did have other social events organized within work hours and without a focus on alcohol, so it wasn’t like this was the only way to network!

  12. r..*

    There are many different aspects that can go into this, but I have always found the following two questions helpful:

    1) During the event, how would someone who just went along for socializing but didn’t drink feel? Would they likely have enjoyed the time, too, or might they have been embarrassed?
    2) Was there any “shop-talk” where people not coming along for drinks were excluded from functions and contexts they would usually expect to be party to?

    If the answer is, “non-drinkers would’ve enjoyed it, and no shop-talk of substance occurred”, then it may have been okay.

    If non-drinkers would not have enjoyed it (or worse), or if non-attendees would’ve felt excluded on business talk, then it almost certainly was not okay.

  13. OldTiredRN*

    I am a non-drinker and do not attend events with alcohol. My last boss was a hearty social drinker and often partied with several of my coworkers. It became obvious that the extended face time with the boss led to increased information exchange and access.

    Not to be all Carrie Nation but it pays to really look at that increased access.

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      You can attend and have a soda or mocktail. Not attending “events with alcohol” is a choice you made, and that impact is on you. I’m also a non-drinker, and I make the effort to connect anyway.

      1. Arrietty*

        It depends on the reason why someone is a non-drinker. If it’s for religious reasons or due to being an alcoholic in recovery, that’s hardly the same as someone like me who just doesn’t like alcohol much.

      2. librarian*

        While what you’re saying is technically true, it does completely leave out the experience of people in recovery for whom bars and drinking events are dicey (or anyone else who is activated by being around alcohol.) Just worth pointing out there are other perspectives you might not be considering!

      3. Freya*

        One of my friends has PTSD that the smell of alcohol can trigger (definitely the taste, definitely the smell if it’s spilled on them, not usually when it’s in someone else’s glass, but sometimes when it’s spilled on people next to them who are crowding them). It’s not their fault, they’re working on it, and they still shouldn’t be excluded from opportunities because of it.

  14. Dashwood*

    I usually just go to Happy Hour for one drink, buy the first round for my team and then bounce (to HH with my actual friends if it’s Thursday or Friday).

  15. preach*

    my move is to show up to the happy hour early (before people get drunk), buy either a round of drinks or a couple of appetizers. tell everyone how much you appreciate them, have no more than one drink, then leave them to enjoy the evening.

  16. Anon for This*

    Particularly after a major effort I have joined my team in going out for drinks, bought the first round and generally some shareable appetizers, thanked them for a job well done, chatted with as many as I could, then bugged out to let them enjoy a good time without the boss. In my view, that’s how it should go.

  17. Hi Wayne!*

    Years ago I was working in a not-great call centre. We had a new team leader, Wayne, hired from outside the company, and he was great! Sat down with us individually, found out what was and wasn’t working, immediately made some sensible changes.

    About a month after starting, he organised some team drinks for us. I only stayed for the first hour, but everyone was having fun.

    I come in the next day and ask how the night went, and … turns out Wayne was an angry drunk. Not towards the team, but he nearly got physical more than once with others in the venue for bumping him, spilled drinks etc.

    It probably didn’t actually change the vibe in that job (the vibes were already bad, and he was still an improvement), but it definitely changed my opinion of him. (I didn’t stick around much longer).

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        I will say that I haven’t come across this angst about time with the boss in real life – my bosses have generally been the leader of the team that does thing X rather than a person Set On High who doles out rewards and punishments, and it’s quite normal for the whole team to occasionally arrange to go out together (but if you don’t want to go that time, you just don’t).

        I’m not sure if that’s a US/UK thing, or because I’ve worked for ages in the kind of setting where the pay grades are agreed across the organisation and you get a higher position by applying for it along with everyone else, rather than by coaxing your boss.

      2. londonedit*

        Yeah, it’s not weird here. I guess our drinking culture is more relaxed – going to the pub is very different from the American idea of ‘going out to a bar’, because pubs are relaxed places where you can pop in for a drink at any time, they’re not necessarily hardcore drinking establishments. It may be industry-specific, but certainly in my experience if there’s a company-wide event like a sales conference then people, including senior people, will inevitably end up going to the pub for a few drinks afterwards. Different people will stay for different lengths of time depending on trains home etc etc, but it’s not uncommon for someone more senior to be there until the end (I mean, we’re probably talking 10pm latest, maybe last orders at 11pm) and there wouldn’t be any sort of shock-horror reaction about that. Sometimes senior people will stay long enough to buy a round on their company credit card, have a drink with everyone and then leave, but sometimes they’ll stick around. There’s no hard and fast rule, and as Lexi Vipond says there’s less angst about the whole thing, I think we’re possibly less hierarchical.

      3. Cute As Cymraeg*

        Yeah, there would never be any kind of angst about going out for a drink with colleagues after work in the UK, regardless of seniority — unless you were going constantly, badgering people to join you, getting wildly drunk all the time, and so on. It also doesn’t necessarily exclude people who don’t drink – I regularly (as in last Friday) go to the pub with colleagues who don’t drink at all, and it’s as regular and normal as going for coffee with colleagues ‘on the clock’.

        It’s a much more relaxed attitude to all of this: I even bought shots for a group including me and my grandboss in the pub to mark the end of Christmas drinks (she’d bought several rounds at the start of the night). We didn’t get slaughtered, nobody said or did anything they’d regret, we just had a nice evening and will be doing it again in May.

        I’m not saying Alison is wrong, it’s just a completely different atmosphere and context in the UK.

    4. Teapot Connoisseuse*

      And also *stares in veteran of Japanese workplaces*

      Iechyd da / kanpai / cheers!

      1. Sleeve McQueen*

        yeah it’s also pretty common in Australia (you will not be surprised to learn). I don’t drink anymore and my team know I am a homebody, so I tend to hang around for one non alcohol beer and leave after.

    5. A Canadian*

      Agreed! I worked in the UK for a few years and the after work drinks culture was very strong! Most times it wasn’t even a planned event, just fairly spontaneous “Any one want to go down to the pub tonight?” Bosses definitely came and stayed long, there was no sense of hierarchy. It probably would have seemed very odd indeed if a manager consistently refused to join in or always left after one round. (Also odd… no one ever ordered food… not even chips or crisps. I can’t drink for hours on a fairly empty stomach, so as soon as anyone mentioned the pub I used to nip out to Tesco to get a snack and pre-eat!)

        1. londonedit*

          Yes, you at least get a few bags of crisps and open the packets out for people to share.

    6. Morning Reader*

      This thread makes me wonder about Wisconsin. It’s a stereotype but I have observed a strong drinking culture there. Are there areas of the US where going out drinking with coworkers is more common? (Asking from Michigan where I think we are evolving more of a weed culture. But not with the boss.)

      1. JustaTech*

        Excellent question!
        From what I’ve seen in the PNW (a beer loving place), going out to the brewery with coworkers is both seasonal (“stop by the brewery on a lovely long summer evening? Don’t mind if I do!”) and industry dependent.

        Like, it seems more common in newer big Tech (Amazon vs Microsoft), and less common in biotech. I can’t speak to other industries (aerospace etc).

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’m British, been in the workforce here for 15 years, and the only job I’ve had as an adult where I didn’t go to the pub at least occasionally after work was because it was on an industrial estate and there was no pub nearby to speak of. But everywhere else it’s been absolutely a standard thing – not necessarily all the time but usually on/around payday or if someone’s leaving, or after a big event like a staff conference or a team away day. (I think there is also an assumption in the comments that this is an evening event, whereas it could well be something like the examples above but it’s wrapping up around 4-5pm.)

      Wherever I’ve worked the managers have always regularly come to the pub as well, and have sometimes stayed late (though often it depends on trains but that’s true for everyone). It’s rare they’ll buy a round for everyone but they might get snacks for the table, or buy a drink for the person who’s leaving etc. I should add that my career has always been in public sector/charities though, so that possibly affects that side of things and maybe in private sector companies it’s different.

      1. Storm in a teacup*

        I’ve worked both NHS and now in the private sector.
        The only differences are that in the private sector drinks are more likely to be covered by the manager or more likely they can expense a couple of rounds.
        Also in the NhS we were much more likely to stay out later (until last orders). 15+ years later and ex coworkers and I are still salty about our local becoming ‘Made in Chelsea-fied’ and the prices going up. On the plus side the wine was a lot nicer

  19. Techie Boss*

    Not to speculate about facts not in the record, but I can imagine a gendered angle to this advice. I’d hope this exec says the same thing to all managers who occasionally socialize with people who report to them, but LW should consider if this is a possibility with this particular exec before drawing broader conclusions about it.

    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      That was my thought. Is the exec an older man who has outdated notions about women in bars/having drinks? I think that’s an important part of Alison’s advice to consider the source.

  22. Jessica C*

    One of my best bosses ever would pay for the first round and then leave. It was a nice show of appreciation and then staying out of our outside business.

  23. A Canadian*

    Agreed! I worked in the UK for a few years and the after work drinks culture was very strong! Most times it wasn’t even a planned event, just fairly spontaneous “Any one want to go down to the pub tonight?” Bosses definitely came and stayed long, there was no sense of hierarchy. It probably would have seemed very odd indeed if a manager consistently refused to join in or always left after one round. (Also odd… no one ever ordered food… not even chips or crisps. I can’t drink for hours on a fairly empty stomach, so as soon as anyone mentioned the pub I used to nip out to Tesco to get a snack and pre-eat!)

  24. HB*

    Lily is treating you as her therapist. Politely cut it off hard. Refer her to your manager every single time. In the fewest words possible. And don’t apologize.

  25. Dinwar*

    I’m not a huge fan of the word “subordinate” here. Yes, there’s a power dynamic in the organization, but really it’s a difference in jobs, not the quality of people. Some of my “subordinates” are world-recognized experts in their field and the whole reason I have them on my team is they’re supposed to tell me how things are done! The job needs done; managers have certain critical skills, but so do those who report to the manager, otherwise the company wouldn’t be paying them.

    The idea that one should never fraternize with those lower on the org chart is a very, very old idea, based on the idea of a caste system. Think of Wellington calling his soldiers “the scum of the Earth”. Your birth rank in the past determined if you were a grunt or an officer, and that carried over into the corporate world. We no longer operate on 1700s ideology. There has to be a certain distance because ultimately a manager’s first loyalty is to the company, not the individual employees, but there’s a huge difference between “a certain distance” and “not treating your team like humans”.

    Further, there’s a lot of good, solid managerial work that can be done at informal events like going out for drinks. I’ve used such events as opportunities to offer people higher positions in the team, for example–they are more willing to tell me no if they don’t want it (and a few haven’t) because of the less formal setting. I’ve also used such events to work out interpersonal conflict. And honestly, the thing that brings you together, the most obvious point of commonality between everyone at a work event, is, frankly, work. You’re absolutely going to discuss work to some extent, and the less formal setting can really generate some good ideas. You don’t want to turn it into a meeting, obviously! But shop talk will happen to some extent and there’s no reason you can’t take advantage of that while giving the folks who came up with the ideas (or discussed it with you) credit to your higher-ups (which makes them look good and makes you look good as a manager).

  26. Ally McBeal*

    The best CEO I’ve ever worked for didn’t attend most happy hours, even when we explicitly invited him, but he’d show up occasionally (usually for HHs that immediately followed big client events) and – this is the important part – he slapped his credit card down and paid for everyone’s drinks, every time. And he didn’t hang back like a loner nor spent too much time socializing with the same people – he made the rounds and chit-chatted with anyone who wanted face time with him.

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