weekend open thread – March 1-2, 2025

by Alison Green on March 1, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Blob: A Love Story, by Maggie Su. After a woman takes home a blob she finds in an alley, it grows into her ideal man. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I’ve spent the last week reading The Dawn of Everything: A New History of Humanity by David Graeber and David Wengrow. It’s looking at the history of Homo sapiens with a newer, more creative look at the evidence suggesting that a lot of the things we’ve been taught about the progression of our species didn’t happen the way we thought it did. I’ve found it absolutely fascinating, and would 100% recommend it. One note, though, is that it’s very long: most books of this type are around 250-300 pages, but this one is 500+. And I’m a fast reader and have read some of it almost every day (while on vacation so I have a lot of free time), but am still not finished.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I read Full Speed to a Crash Landing by Beth Revis based on a recommendation from here. It was fun!
      I would love recommandations for adventure books. I define adventure very broadly. For example, I would say the Murderbot series and the Mrs Pollifax series could be adventure books.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        Although not strictly adventure, but a series that I put in a similar category to Mrs Pollifax is the Bruno, Chief of Police series by Martin Walker. There are about 15 books set in the french countryside and there is always a lovely mixture of community, food, and mysterious happenings that end up in adventure. Very light and enjoyable.

        The Island by Victoria Hislop is somewhat adventure : a young woman takes a trip to a greek island that use to be a leper colony and learns about her family history – it’s interesting and heart warming.

        The Mirror Visitor series (4 books) by Cristelle Dabos is a fantasy series but is very adventure focused where the character is visiting some very strange worlds and planets, and Pathfinder trilogy by Orson Scott Card is heavily adventure focused but again more in that sci-fi / fantasy realm.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        When I was young, I liked Rafael Sabatini’s 1920-something novel *The Sea Hawk*, about a British nobleman betrayed by his brother and sold into being enslaved in Northern Africa and then rising to a position of power. I haven’t re-read it recently, but I assume it merits some content warnings about the portrayal of the people of the protagonist’s new country, but I remember it as a ripping good yarn.

        While I have some issues with many of the James Bond novels (*Live and Let Die* is, for example, in my opinion racist even by the abysmal standards of the early 1950s), they are generally strong adventure stories (except for most of *Thunderball*, which I find unreadable after the initial promising start at the health farm) and very re-readable. For a (mostly) less problematic series, the Modesty Blaise novels are great adventures as well.

        1. Mephyle*

          That reminds me of the rippingest good yarn I can recommend: Prince of Foxes by Samuel Shellabarger. Very adventure.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        You might try older literature, like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea or Journey to the Center of the Earth!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Ooh, yeah — I just read *Journey to the Center of the Earth* a couple of years ago, and it is awesome!

        2. Isobel*

          The Grand Babylon Hotel by Arnold Bennett is another Edwardian era adventure story – with reasonably strong female character in Nella Racksole. There’s unfortunately some “of its time” anti-Semitic stereotyping but the minor character of Sampson Levi is portrayed quite positively.

      4. Falling Diphthong*

        Adventure:
        The Adventures of Amina al Sirafi: Riproaring tale of the sea, with magic, monsters, map makers, lost treasure, pirates, poisoners. A retired/hiding pirate captain is approached by the family of a crew member to get the gang back together and do one last job.

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          So good! One of the first books I was recommended here and it was a spot-on rec for me.

        3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          I’m another who read it thanks to someone’s recommendation here and I’m also hoping for a sequel.

      5. not spring yet*

        If you want adventure memoirs:
        Lands of Lost Borders, Kate Harris (bike)
        Miles From Nowhere, Barbara Savage (bike)
        Touching the Void, Joe Simpson (mountaineering)

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          I’ll add a couple to the adventure memoir biking category (I have quite a collection of those):

          This Road I Ride: Sometimes It Takes Losing Everything to Find Yourself by Juliana Buhring. Her personal story includes leaving a cult and her boyfriend dying tragically in a headline-worthy way (no spoilers), and she decides to set off around the world despite not being a cyclist to begin with. She was the first woman to set a record for this; it’s since been beaten but still quite an adventure.

          The Bar Mitzvah and the Beast: One Family’s Cross-Country Ride of Passage by Bike by Matt Biers-Ariel. Simply loved this. The family sets off on a cross-country trip for the son’s bar mitzvah; dad and boy ride a tandem (the beast of the title), mom rides her own bike. They carry a petition about climate and the point of the journey is to carry the petition to DC. I remember laughing out loud more than once.

      6. allx*

        I really liked Fable by Adrienne Young. The story follows a girl who, after her mother dies, is abandoned by her father on a remote island where she’s had to fend for herself. In her teens, she finds a way off the island on a trade ship to track down her father to kill him. Adventures on the ship are many.

      7. carcinization*

        I think the Thorne Chronicles, starting out with How Rory Thorne Destroyed the Multiverse, would fit the bill here.

      8. TomfoolofaTook*

        If you like children’s books, both Peter Duck and Missee Lee are great adventure stories by Arthur Ransome.

        1. Aneurin*

          Seconding the Swallows & Amazons (the name of the series) recommendation – though given the 1920s/30s authorship, some of the language and attitudes* have NOT aged well.

          *Mostly as regards race/colonialism, it should be said. The series as a whole is surprisingly balanced qua gender, with girls and boys both playing active/leadership roles in the more ‘adventurous’ activities.

      9. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        This question makes me think back to “Island of the Blue Dolphins” by Scott O’Dell, a YA book I read as a kid thanks to my mom joining a book club that brought me the Newbery Medal award winners. A young Native woman is stranded on an island and survives for years. I don’t know if all the characterization of Indigenous culture would hold up well. Any librarians have thoughts?

        Another YA that my sister, who was a reading teacher, highly recommended: Hatchet by Gary Paulsen. Young boy is the sole survivor of a plane crash in the Alaskan wilderness. It turned into a series. I haven’t read this one.

      10. I take tea*

        I think Anthony Hope’s The Prisoner of Zenda classifies as adventure! It’s surprisingly readable still. I haven’t read the sequel Rupert of Hentzau, can’t vouch for it.

        Also in the same genre, Baroness Orzcy’s The Scarlet Pimpernel series.

    2. Rosyglasses*

      I am on the third book in the Dune series. I read through The Fourth Wing trilogy in one weekend and needed a longer series – so there we are :-)

      I’m also reading book three of the Goblin Emperor world.

      In non fiction, I’m half-way through a re-read of Atomic Habits by James Clear, and thinking of re-reading How the South Won the Civil War by Heather Cox Richardson before diving into some other political reading of current bills.

      1. RedinSC*

        THere’s a podcast I really like called If Books Could Kill and they do a review of Atomic Habits.

    3. PollyQ*

      A Grave In the Woods by Martin Walker. It’s the latest in the Bruno, Chief of Police mystery series, and while I’m a big fan of the books overall, I’m afraid this one was kind of a dud. There isn’t really a mystery to solve, or even much conflict, and the climax of the story revolves around various public servants coping with a flood, which I just didn’t find compelling. The likeable parts of the series are still present–great descriptions of food and wine, many charming returning characters, so it wasn’t a total loss, but ultimately I was quite disappointed.

    4. Bluebell Brenham*

      Read the first in Jen DeLuca’s series of renfaire romances, Well Met. It was cute. Also finished The Nurse’s Secret, which took place at Bellevue Hospital during the early days of nurse training. Gave up on The Fun Widow’s Book Tour. Thanks to whomever recommended Havoc by Christopher Bollen – wow that was a wild ride!

      1. Teacher Lady*

        I adore the Well Met series! Jen’s most recent book is also really fun – lighter on the romance and more into the ghost-mystery.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I finished What an Owl Knows and am closing in on the home stretch of Seven Gables.

      I’m in the middle of Horace Afoot, which was written in the nineties, and weirdly, find some of it harder to related to than Gables. In one section, the main character, who walks around his little town as his main recreation, is wandering around the small regional airport, eventually going up into the control tower.

      I am fine reading about ancient curses following a family from earliest colonial times through poisoned wells and glowering portraits, but had a helluva time suspending my disbelief that a rando could wander into the CONTROL TOWER of an airport without being tackled to the ground and hauled off to a small and windowless room for the foreseeable future!

      1. Past Lurker*

        Back in the 90s I went up into the control tower of a small regional airport. I was friends with one of the air traffic controllers though. I wouldn’t have been able to get in without them opening the (locked) door. I don’t remember if I had to sign in somewhere as a visitor.

    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      First I have to say that the premise of Blob as described by Alison is…strange!
      Anyway…I just finished reading The Night Watchman by Louise Erdrich. It was a gift, one of the kids thought I would like it because it takes place in North Dakota and is about Native Americans and the Indian termination policies from about 1940-1950; it’s fiction but based on a true story. It took a bit for me to get into the book, but then the characters and story started to gel for me. Her writing is descriptive without being too extravagant and the history is important.

      1. dawbs*

        That’s about how I felt about that one.
        Honestly, my favorite hilarious thing about that one is that as a kid, travelling through that area, we toured that factory–I recognized details 30+ years later.

        It is a bit slow in points, but I think I put it in my list at 4 out of 5 stars

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I read Louise Erdrich’s *Tracks* many years ago for a class and really liked it. It was about someone healing from the trauma of having been a soldier in Vietnam.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Finishing The Improvisers, about a barnstormer in the 1930s who also solves mysteries for a secret magical society. Lots of credit to Bessie Mae Coleman. Hop scotching along the US in the monoplane seeking dangerous magical artifacts, and a look at various Black communities at this time–reminds me of The Monsters We Defy in that aspect.

      I quite like this, and plan to read the other two books in the series, which are about our heroine’s grandparents. (They retire from conducting on the Underground Railroad and start solving mysteries.)

    8. Retired and Traveling Through Books*

      “The Horse” by Willy Vlautin
      A story that moves from present to reminiscence, regrets and back through life of a small town song writer/musician-until the horse arrives. It’s a slim-yet weighty-novel of loss and hope that stays with the reader. You won’t be disappointed.

      “How Much of These Hills Are Gold” by C Pam Zhang. Set in the late 1800’s, a tale of two children forging their way as young orphans against an unnamed backdrop of gold country and confronting myths of their parents creation.

      This evening I’ve started “Shuggie Bain” by Douglas Stuart.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        I read How Much of These Hills Are Gold for book club and mostly enjoyed it (the Western setting isn’t one that really speaks to me but this was probably the most interesting takes on it I have come across!)

    9. Atheist Nun*

      I read and can recommend Mood Machine: The Rise of Spotify and the Costs of the Perfect Playlist by Liz Pelly.

      The author reminds readers that Spotify is not a music web site–it is an advertising company that uses music to sell ads. Its unethical practices jibe well with the mainstream/legacy music industry’s poor treatment of musicians.

      One interesting idea in this book is that Spotify’s model centers the listener and feeds them music that reinforces, rather than challenges, their perspective; the goal is always for the subscriber to keep listening, and hearing the familiar is more likely to accomplish that. I am not sure if the distinction is so cut and dried, though: I can listen both to genres I know and love (1980s British synthesizer songs are at the top of my list) and new, oddball music that I find interesting but also might be happy never to hear again.

      1. allathian*

        What you get out of the algorithm depends largely on the prompts you feed it, but searching for new types of music takes some effort.

    10. word nerd*

      I enjoyed Bibliophobia, a memoir by Sarah Chihaya about her depression and the role reading has played in her life–most of the chapters focus on a particular book, one being Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for the Time Being. After that and reading Nervous Nellie’s rave reviews, I have to give Ozeki another chance. I gave up halfway through an audiobook version of Form and Emptiness, but I have a feeling Ozeki probably works better in print form.

      Oh, and my New Year’s resolution this year was to read/listen to fewer books, and it’s been going pretty well so far! I find myself more cavalier about not finishing books (there were several I tossed aside this week), taking a more relaxed pace with the books I do end up finishing, choosing to read longer books, not sticking earbuds into my ears at every spare moment, etc. It’s also been a weight lifted to leave a book club last month that wasn’t really working for me.

      1. Wilde*

        Thanks to the commenter who recommended Naomi Norvik’s “Spinning Silver” recently. I really enjoyed this.

        In return, I would like to recommend India Holton’s trilogy beginning with “The Wisteria Society of Lady Scoundrels”, a series of heists and romances (some smut) between pirates and witches, set in 1800s England. Delightfully ridiculous, enjoyably escapist.

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          I think I’m the one who recommended Spinning Silver, and yes, please, heading over to Libby right now to throw a hold on that book. Thank you!

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Becoming willing to not finish a book really opened up my reading to more variety. I’m more willing to give things a try if I know I both can and will abandon the ones that don’t work.

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          Same here. Realized at some point that reading for pleasure isn’t an assignment. Someone here recommended The Ruthless Lady’s Guide to Wizardry. I got about 5 pages in, realized the dialect writing wasn’t going to stop and that I couldn’t face a whole book of it, and quit reading. On to the next one. So many books, so little time.

      3. Nervous Nellie*

        Ah, yes! That Ozeki is the best of hers, in my opinion. So many wow moments. Glad you’re dipping into it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. And great minds – I just got Bibliophobia at the library (as opposed to ‘caught bibliophobia at the library’, because yikes, that would be awful).

        And yes, don’t read what you don’t want to read. Life is so short! French/Italian author Daniel Pennac wrote a marvelous little book in the late 80s called Better Than Life, and in it he presented The Reader’s Bill of Rights – 10 rights including the right not to read, to skip pages, to decide not to finish a book, to re-read, etc. I have a framed posted of it by my bookshelves. Do with your time what you want! Awesome.

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        I loved Form and Emptiness, but I haven’t listened to the audiobook. I think it works great on the page.

      5. Dark Macadamia*

        I keep thinking I should read Tale for the Time Being again – I see it referenced here fairly often and I gave it 4 stars on Goodreads about a decade ago, but I have ZERO memory of reading it.

    11. CTT*

      Silly, but I’m moving soon and I am determined to get through my magazine backlog. I read a few late 2023 Vanity Fairs last night; had fun reading about Anatomy of a Fall’s chances at the Oscars!

      1. Andromeda*

        Not silly at all!! My mum had years and years of interiors magazines (I used to use them for building Sims houses) and I think they all went when we moved out of my childhood home. I was very sad. Having a big archive of print media is awesome and absolutely to be enjoyed.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        That scene in The Good Place where someone is going to be locked in a small room with nothing but a backlog of New Yorkers? Gut punch.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Vanity Fair used to be my go-to magazine for long plane flights — you could get a solid 4 or 5 hours of interesting reading out of one.

    12. Science KK*

      I just finished Sorcery and Other Small Magics by Maigia Doocy (audiobook), and I really enjoyed it! It’s a mix of magic school, city mouse/country mouse, enemies to friends.

      I’m reading Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela and it’s so interesting and surprisingly sweet! He talks so fondly about his childhood friends and people who’ve helped him. I’m less than 1/3 of the way in but I’m enjoying it so far.

      I’m listening to Reclaim the Stars: 17 tales across realms and space edited by Zoraida Cordova, a collection of stories all by authors from the Latin American disapora. I’m 8 stories in and every one has been a banger for a different reason.

      1. Rara Avis*

        Fun characters in Sorcery and small Magics. My 16 yo queer kid recommended it to me and we had a lively discussion about what’s going to happen in the next book.

    13. Bethlam*

      I just finished Ysabel by Guy Gavriel Kay, author of my all time favorite book/trilogy, The Fionavar Tapestry. While it’s not a sequel to The Fionavar Tapestry per se, there are a couple of the same characters and you would miss a lot of the nuance and references if you didn’t read the Tapestry first.

    14. Lizard*

      I’m still crawling my way through Vanity Fair. I like it, but it’s not a fast read for me (and right before bed probably isn’t the best time to be reading it). I also finished Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood and have started the second book in the trilogy, The Year of the Flood.

      A friend and I were discussing today that controversial books seem to be good picks for our book club, so if anyone has recommendations, please share! Most of the lists I found online were banned books, which isn’t exactly what I’m thinking of (although a frequently banned book would work) – just looking for things that would spark discussion or debate. As an example, we read Consent by Jill Ciment and got a good discussion out of it. Bonus points if it’s on the shorter side because our book completion definitely decreases with length.

      1. word nerd*

        Playground by Richard Powers has so much to talk about and is engagingly written too! I’m so glad my husband read it too so we could discuss it (it’s one I would have forced him to read if he hadn’t already just so I could pick his brain :P). The tension between conserving nature at the expense of advancing technology and development, friendship across socioeconomoic lines, forgiveness, reality, the role of AI, what gives people purpose and meaning…

        1. word nerd*

          Oh, also Wild Souls by Emma Maris, about the ethics of our interactions with animals in the wild. She takes a thoughtful, balanced approach to it, and it’s a fascinating read. As one example, just how much killing goes on in the name of conservation today, in sometimes very cruel ways (widespread rat poison). (This one was also a dual read with husband and sparked lots of interesting discussion.)

          1. Lizard*

            Thanks – I’ll check out both of these! Playground was just on a poll for another bookclub. It didn’t win, but it’s on my list!

      2. Tea & Sympathy*

        It’s older now, but if you haven’t read it already, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot offers a lot of issues and side issues to talk about. It’s nonfiction, but a very easy read in terms of technical difficulty.The basic gist is Henrietta Lacks died of cancer in the 1950s, and her doctor harvested some of her cells without her consent or knowledge. It was the first time cells had grown outside of the body, and those cells have been used to benefit humankind immeasurably. Rebecca Skloot is a reporter who researches this story and then tracks Henrietta Lack’s family down to tell them about it.

        3. Lizard*

          This is a great suggestion! We’re (mostly) STEM PhD students in this bookclub, and a number of us work with cells regularly. I think we’re all generally familiar with the Henrietta Lacks story, but I at least haven’t read the book, and it feels like I should.

      3. chocolate muffins*

        For controversial, perhaps the combination of Liars & Saints and A Family Daughter, both by Maile Meloy? Each is pretty short individually, though perhaps both together might be too much if you are looking to avoid longer things. They tell about some of the same events from different perspectives and have been recommended for book clubs in part because people appearantly have some strong feelings about which one is the “real” story or which one better tells the truth of what happens, despite the fact that they are both fiction!

      4. carcinization*

        We Need to Talk About Kevin definitely caused some kerfuffle in a past book club I was a member of!

      5. Seashell*

        I agree with the suggestion of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. I would also add Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson (about his experience as an attorney involved in death penalty cases) and also Inheritance: A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love and Hourglass: Time, Memory, Marriage, both by memoirs by Dani Shapiro. The former is about learning that she conceived via sperm donation, and the latter is about marriage drama and quite short.

    15. Double A*

      Can I be mean for a second?

      I’m reading The Games Gods Play by Abigail Owen and…it’s really stupid. So poorly written. I almost stopped before getting too far into it, but it’s also incredibly brainless and it’s been a rough couple weeks so I need something I can read without thinking even a little bit. But it’s truly spectacularly poorly written. I’m kind of hate reading it at this point and highlighting especially awkward sentences and then reading them to my husband. Would not recommend unless for these purposes.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Idea for next week: Books you found really aggravating. (I know one of mine was loved by many people here; the other was a library find that I did not finish, and yet I can still firmly lecture the characters for their ridiculous short-comings, which are not at all the things I was supposed to find ridiculous short-comings.)

        2. Double A*

          I like this idea! I have a few options.

          Mostly I just like to skip by a book if it’s not good but sometimes it’s fun to really tear one apart.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Same: Usually I just dnf my dnfs. Like sometimes I can tell it’s well crafted, it’s just not hitting for me.

            I think the tearing into comes from “This was supposed to be fun! A nice bit of escapism! And this completely nonsensical thing is being presented like it should make sense to me, when it is ludicrous!”

        3. Person from the Resume*

          Yes. Two recent Goodreads book reviews of mine started with “Disappointing.”

          One started strong but got dumber and the MC made dumb choices. The other had potential, but two flaws.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      Same stuff I was reading last week, but I wanted to say that the logline for Alison’s book recommendation is amazing. :D

    17. Helvetica*

      I read Hernan Diaz’s “Trust” and while I found it to be good, I am a bit surprised by how much praise it has received. Yes, there is an element of a puzzle but I’ve read better books with similar premise, so I am feeling a bit underwhelmed. Especially the last chapter when the true story is revealed, I felt he dragged the explanation out too long, as if he didn’t trust the reader to get it from fewer words.

      1. OaDC*

        I agree. Sometimes when I don’t like a book that has received a lot of critical praise I feel like I’m missing something, but I don’t think that’s the case for Trust.

    18. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Finished The Saint of Bright Doors and loved it up until the end…I felt like things just wrapped up too quickly and I felt very disconnected from the character. Would still recommend it though!

      Now I’m reading Little Fortress by Laisha Rosnau, a fictional take on a real noble Italian family who ended up in Vernon, British Columbia in the 1920s. The focus is on their long-time “companion/chief of staff” and her history. I have avoided reading about the real family as I don’t want to spoil anything but now I’m quite curious to do so when I finish!

      1. Double A*

        I thought the Saint of Bright Doors was incredible! I read it from the library then bought a copy to own. I don’t really remember the end; that book felt more about the journey than where it ended up. I think it’s gonna be my top book of the year even though it was the first of the year.

    19. Evvy*

      I reread The Wednesday Wars (an old favorite from all the way back in middle school!!) after seeing on Jo Walton’s blog on Reactor that she also reread it in January and being reminded how great it is. I am sure I have seen it recommended on one of these threads here as well but it’s a well-known American middle-grade novel by Gary D. Schmidt about a kid and his teacher learning to connect through Shakespeare. And then I looked up Gary Schmidt and found out he published a new book recently—Jupiter Rising, sequel to Orbiting Jupiter. So then I had to get and read that (being for kids, these are very short and I finished them both in a morning). It made me cry about as much as the first one, i.e. I was bawling in my bed. He’s such a wonderful writer and I will probably be reading/rereading his books all my life regardless of any flaws because I remember reading them with such uncritical joy as a kid !!

    20. Hoary Vervain*

      I’m a little more than halfway through The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin. It’s really compelling and brilliantly written, but definitely on the darker side (especially compared to the romantasy stuff I’ve been reading). I’ve also been sick with food poisoning this week and so I’ve been up a lot at night/having weird dreams and my sleep-deprived brain is really latching on to this book in particular.

      Can anyone tell me, is the trilogy *super* dark and depressing overall? I’m afraid to google because I don’t want any spoilers, but I also don’t want to commit to three books of nightmares right now…

      1. Reba*

        Imo it has a transcendent ending — in her books usually there is a transformation if not some kind of victory — but yeah it’s dark-dark all through.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        There’s a specific thing that I was like “wow, this is too dark for me” but I don’t remember which book it was in (I’m like … 70% sure it’s the first one). I do think the series is worth it overall but definitely the bleakest books I’ve ever read.

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          Oof. I’m most of the way through the first book now, but there are at least two things I can think of already that would fit that bill and two more that I’m worried are being set up…

      3. Teacher Lady*

        OHHH. I read The Fifth Season and The Obelisk Gate in the past month, and the third book (Stone Sky? I forget the title?) is on deck to start in the next ~week. I have not found the series to be overly dark and depressing, though it’s certainly not a rollicking good time. I’m finding that the fantasy setting means I feel less of a sense of existential dread compared to what I felt when reading, for example, Parable of the Sower/Talents. I would say that Obelisk Gate includes more explicit human suffering to which POV characters directly contribute, which in some cases does include suffering of characters who the reader comes to know reasonably well. I wouldn’t describe any of it as overly graphic (nothing that turned my stomach, or caused me to have to step away from the book entirely), but it’s certainly unpleasant at times. If you’re in a less-good place now and struggling with The Fifth Season, it might be worth holding off on starting Obelisk Gate until you’re in a better headspace at minimum.

    21. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me this week – my Penguin is The Dark Labyrinth by Lawrence Durrell. British tourists on a Mediterranean cruise go ashore at Crete to tour the island and explore a famed labyrinth, with disastrous results. It’s quiet and deeply absorbing. The atmosphere is palpable. He writes landscape descriptions like no one else. This book predates Justine (Alexandria Quartet, book 1) by a decade, but he had his style down from day one. Highly recommended.

      1. Rara Avis*

        Having read My Family and Other Animals with the little brother’s perspective on his author brother, I need to read this!

    22. Reba*

      David Graeber, such a loss. I highly recommend his book on the history of debt, if you’re still hungry after Dawn of Everything.

    23. allx*

      Binge read: House of My Mother by Shari Franke. I read it after happening upon an old YouTube video a few weeks ago about the Ruby Franke/Jodi Hildebrandt arrest (Mormon mommy vlogger/abuser). I was not familiar with the story. The book was interesting, ghostwritten, and has a healthy (in my opinion) hate for the mother. The author is a college student. The brother and father have turned up this week promoting a new Hulu mini-docudrama. I think all the kids will eventually hate the dad who at the very least did not protect his kids, but right now it is played as happy family. So messed up. Not my usual fare, and it feels bad to be following it as “entertainment.”

      Also reading Jane Harper’s Aaron Falk series based on recent recommnedations here. Finished The Dry, and am halfway through Force of Nature. Well written, keeps me reading, but I don’t find the main character compelling. I also find the bully-small-town-nothing-makes-sense-that’s-just-how-we-do-things-here storyline and characters off-putting and frustrating.

      In between Penguin mini books. None of the ones that are left seem to grab me right now.

    24. Rage*

      The Epigenetics Revolution, by Nessa Carey. It’s fascinating how minute changes to gene expression can cause differing phenotypes (especially in identical twins) and also how those changes can impact the children and grandchildren of an individual.

    25. Lunch Eating Mid Manager*

      “Hello, Goodbye” by Day Schildkret, about rituals for both everyday life and momentous events. It is really wonderful and affirming, with lots of ways to mark the passage of time and recognize your natural human emotions. Even if you don’t have a looming milestone, I would recommend it as a worthwhile read even if you don’t think you “need” it.

    26. Emily Byrd Starr*

      For those of you who like fantasy and science fiction, and aren’t ashamed to read young adult books, I just finished reading the Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children series. It is a very engaging and suspenseful series. There are six books in all, plus two books that are not part of the narrative but relate to the series (Think like “Tales of Beedle the Bard” or “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” from the Harry Potter world,) They are a great escape and distraction from the stressful times we live in (although a villainous, power-hungry character who is defeated and comes back more powerful than before *might* remind some readers of the current POTUS).

    27. Teacher Lady*

      Just finished Black Cake by Charmaine Wilkerson and The Originalism Trap by Madiba Dennie; started American Spy by Lauren Wilkinson yesterday and am about halfway through it. American Spy is giving me a bit of Poisonwood Bible itch, so I’d like to look for some books that might deal in similar African independence/anti-colonial vibes.

      (As though I didn’t just get in EIGHT library holds! The circulation desk staff was like, “You’re going to be busy!” and I said, “Yeah, looking forward to it!” I read 13 books in February [all for my Black History Month challenge] and just re-deleted Bluesky because of doomscrolling, so bring it on, March.)

      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        Next week will you please post what you read for your Black History Month Challenge? I don’t need more on my list, but many of the books on the list haven’t been recommended by someone, just noted in another book or an article.

    29. I DK*

      Working on The Jakarta Plot by R Karl Largent – Tom Clancy-ish stuff, but it was on the top of my to be read stack. Not bad, but it brings up an issue that I wonder about.
      The book is filled with typos. Do typos throw you off of an author? If not the author, it definitely takes me out of the story. for instance:
      “Jake rolled over, … ran his fingers threw his thinning hair …”
      I cringe at that and I’m not even a writer or an editor. I don’t even know if it’s the author’s or the editor’s fault. Still, I just find it jilting to be yanked from a story by something that would have given me a B instead of an A in eighth grade. Check me if I’m being too picky.

      1. word nerd*

        Numerous typos definitely throw me out of a story and give an overall impression of sloppiness… doesn’t help that I edit/proofread for work so they jump out at me even when I’m trying to turn that part of my brain off when I read for pleasure.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Definitely. It’s sloppy and insulting, frankly. I can see one or two slipping in–it happens. But unless it’s deliberate, like a character is misspelling words or similar, it takes me right out of the story. I blame the editors, frankly–this is an important part of their job!

        1. the cat's pajamas*

          I mostly listen to audiobooks, so I can’t speak to typos, but I’ve noticed recently that newer books have felt more sloppily written overall, or like maybe they could have used more editing. For example, long, rambly passages that go on way too long and don’t add much to or advance the story.
          My working theory is that budget cuts at publishes are causing lower quality output. I miss books that feel like I’m reading an actual final draft.

    30. supply closet badger*

      I also read ‘The Dawn of Everything’ recently and found it really fascinating and thought-provoking. I’d like to read it again sometime to get my head around it more.

      I found David Graeber’s earlier book ‘Debt: The First 5,000 Years’ to be similarly absorbing, so you might like it too!

      1. supply closet badger*

        Oh, forgot to add what I’ve been reading …

        ‘Inventing the Renaissance’ by Ada Palmer : wide-ranging, sparkling and self-reflective history of the Renaissance and how it was seen by those who lived through it and those who came after. Really enjoyed and bought one of the author’s sci-fi novels to try next.

        ‘The Echoes’ by Evie Wyld : skilfully written but quite dark and sad novel about an Australian woman living in London, her recently-diseased partner who comes back as a ghost, and her painful family history. The writing is great but definitely made me feel a way.

        ‘The Girl in the Tower’ by Katherine Arden : second in a fantasy trilogy inspired by medieval Rus and Russian fairytales. I felt a bit meh about the first book in the trilogy when I read it a few years ago, but recently re-read it as a bedtime book and enjoyed it more, enough to pick up the sequel.

    31. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      My reading is very AAM-guided and has been for quite a while now. Finished the third book in Jacqueline Winspear’s Maisie Dobbs series (Pardonable Lies), finished the 12th (Smoke Bitten) and am starting the 13th (Soul Taken) in Patricia Briggs’s Mercy Thompson series. I live in WA state so I love that Mercy lives in the Tri-Cities. Also read The Practice, the Horizon, and the Chain by Sofia Samatar, another AAM rec. Short and striking SF.

      I also have The Princess and the Goblin, an older book by George Macdonald, which I downloaded because Smoke Bitten turned in part on knowing old fairy tales and there was a reference to the book.

      Just downloaded to read when I’m in a nonfiction mood: Arbitrary Lines: How Zoning Broke the American City and How to Fix It by M. Nolan Gray.

    32. Team Chaos*

      Hey! I recommend Eve, How the Female Body Drove 200 Million Years of Evolution by Cat Bohannon as your next read :)

      1. WellRed*

        Thought I left my phone in an Uber last week on a business trip. I tried calling phone to see if anyone would pick up. What a sweet sound to hear phone chirping from bottom of bag.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Suspiciously nice weather for the last couple days–we even opened the window when we went to bed!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And also, ran into our local dog walker and got lots of love from twin Burmese Mountain Dogs!

      4. Falling Diphthong*

        Huzzah! I highly recommend doing a thing that makes you happy–good book, good chocolate, walk in new place.

        As with remembering your age, it does get to the point where you have to do some math to get the number.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Wonderful. She lives only about a mile from me, and she’s a fellow bird geek. I fantasize about running into her in town and having her invite to her backyard to watch birds together.

        1. Rara Avis*

          The talk was sponsored by POST (Peninsula Open Space Trust), so it was all about her bird stuff!

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      My siblings, their spouses, and I made a plan to all get together Memorial Day weekend. We’re spread across the country. Due to losing a family member, in 2024 we all were in the same place for the first time in decades due to losing a family member in January, and again for the memorial in May. We realized how much we care for each other and how well we get along, so we’re making plans now to be together just for fun. Really excited about that.

      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        I lucked out in the family department. My therapist once told me it’s uncommon to have such a harmonious family.

    7. allathian*

      PTO on Friday. I really needed it. Next week’s going to be crazy busy and full of meetings.

    8. the income*

      I hit one year on gender affirming testosterone this week! My doctor literally said “wow” when she came into the exam room for my annual- my face is a lot square-er, my shoulders are definitely broader…here’s hoping I start getting noticeable facial hair soon!

    9. BellStell*

      I got to see the aurora borealis! Took a short flight north in honor of my mom’s passing (I take a trip every year on the anniversary to take her memory somewhere and reflect). And I spent two days in Norway to reset and reflect. The aurorae were spectacular too!

      1. allx*

        I love this: “take her memory somewhere and reflect.” It is just the idea I need. Thank you.

    11. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Did our pre-Lenten Russian pancake dinner – we eat them with eggs, sour cream, melted butter, and smoked or cured fish. I did two types of fish and they both turned out really well! Cured trout with orange zest and fennel seeds, and cured salmon with beetroot, gin, and coriander seeds. The second one is always so beautiful with the beet staining the outside of the fish so it has this lovely red layer when you slice it up.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Thanks for reminding me! Must find something worthy but not impossible to give up.

    12. Firebird*

      Last night I lost my phone on my way out to my car and went back inside to look for it. On my way back outside I met a man who was coming inside to turn it in to the lost and found. Such a relief because I needed it for the directions to get back home!

    13. Evvy*

      Got to call two friends from college who I don’t talk to as frequently now, one of them is such a lovely ray of sunshine and the other always has really interesting perspectives on the world!

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Rotator cuff repair continues to be low-to-no pain. I’m starting to do things with my dominant hand again hurrah.

      And I got some exercise too. It was warm enough to walk outside in the sun without a heavy coat so I one-handedly chopped at last week’s ice to melt it faster.

    16. epicdemiologist*

      After a 6-month hiatus, my dog Henry had FOUR flawless agility runs yesterday. He is the Best Dog Ever. (And for once, I don’t have to add “too bad the handler’s not as good” because I did pretty well too!)

      1. Dog and cat fosterer*

        I tease a friend of mine that she’s soon going to need a training program for herself to build up speed and endurance on running and keeping up with her dog. It’s one of my fosters from a few years ago so I don’t have much connection other than caring for the pup for a couple months, yet I still feel like an auntie or grandparent despite only seeing update posts online. Yet I always think hard at the time about matching the pups to the right owners so my decisions impact them for their lifetime, and I don’t often get updates so I love living vicariously through her success.

        Congrats to you and Henry as that’s a big victory!!!

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        I like to watch YouTube videos of agility contests from the Crufts dog show in England. Your post inspired me to look for a local live event and it turns out there’s one near me in in just a couple weeks. Now I’m planning to go!

        1. Forrest Rhodes*

          Me too, Woodswoman. I’d bookmarked a video of a rescue dog that I think was at Crufts; he didn’t complete a single agility test but was having such a wonderful time out there—particularly with the tunnel—that I watched it often, whenever I just needed to feel happy. The crowd and referees loved him, and even the British commentators were cheering him on. It was lovely.

          Somehow, though, in an OS upgrade, that marker disappeared; and I’m still looking for it. Don’t remember the dog’s name, but for this? I won’t stop ’til I find it!

          1. Kratu*

            Possibly a dog named Kratu, Krufts 2020 (video titled “hilarious rescue dog steals show”)?

          2. WoodswomanWrites*

            I love the rescue dog runs at Crufts, too. They’re so goofy and the announcers and crowd cheer them on, with the point being to promote rescues.

            If it’s not Kratu, maybe it’s Olly the Jack Russell, or Fergus the Jack Russell. Both are fun to watch.

            Check out “Hilarious Olly the Jack Russell Goes Crazy in 2016 & 2017!” and also “Fergus the Jack Russell having a great time at Crufts 2020!”

            1. Forrest Rhodes*

              Yes, it was Kratu. All I kept thinking of was “Klaatu barada nikto!”—and I knew that wasn’t it! :)

        2. epicdemiologist*

          I heartily encourage viewing agility live. When it’s good, it’s impressive, and when it’s bad, it’s hilarious! The dogs have fun either way.

    17. Falling Diphthong*

      I just now figured out how to kill that thrice-damned AI cursor in Word! (Preferences: AI: off)

      Previously I had shut down all the sharing–being quite surprised at what was being shared, like training a corporate AI on my writing was a thing I would do on purpose–but it still had that damned cursor.

      2. I DK*

        thank you, our tech team is working hard to eliminate AI from the upcoming upgrade to Win 11 . Just nice to know we can fight it on a personal level.

    18. Sparkly Librarian*

      Eggs! Finally found affordable eggs from a grocery source and have so many things to do with them that I’ve been without for 3 weeks or so. Today I made muffins. Tomorrow there will be a ham and spinach scramble, or fried eggs and toast with kielbasa.

    19. All Monkeys are French*

      I made a batch of marmalade from my own Meyer lemons. It was my first time making it, and it’s not perfect (not as firmly set as I would like) but it’s delicious and I’m pleased to have another way to use my fruit.

      1. slmrlln*

        I love making marmalade! If you make another batch, candied ginger goes really well with lemon

    20. Chauncy Gardener*

      Adopted our rescue kitten this week!
      She is super cute but very shy, so this will take a while. It’s always well worth it!

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          And the best thing is the existing two rescues (dog and cat) are being very accepting of her!

    21. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Beautiful, sunny weather and I finally removed the modest glacier in front of the door to the shop. Alas, gets ugly again tomorrow.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      I broke yet another French press beaker (it happens to me a LOT) but today I went to TJ Maxx and found my favorite Bodum press as a replacement. These tend to last a bit longer than other kinds. They only had one and I got it!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Two more —
        1. The laundry downstairs is functional again! \0/ Not only that, someone fixed the light so you can actually see what you’re doing. (I can go to the laundromat; I just don’t want to, lol.)

        2. I had a Christmas cactus and an Easter cactus my neighbor gave me, and I repotted them in slightly larger containers, as they were a bit crowded. The Christmas one had already bloomed, but it’s so happy in its new pot that it popped out another big flower. :}

      2. Pentapus*

        it might be a bit pricey, but cheaper in the long run: I have a stainless steel french press. I think it’s double walled for extra heat retention.

    23. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Blue sky, sun, and temp reaching 60 degrees a couple of days ago so I could go for a comfortable walk with no base layers, which is like shedding winter fur. Temp is back down and it’s raining today but I know the sun will be back.

      Second joy: Being able to see the night sky in my neighborhood. I live in a small enough town that light pollution doesn’t destroy my ability to see Venus shining above or to figure out that I’m looking at Orion’s belt. The SkyTonight app works great for knowing what I’m looking at and flagging me about astronomical events coming up.

  3. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing this week and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I haven played any games this week so can’t comment, but looking forward to what everyone else has been playing!

    1. SparklingBlue*

      Was thrilled to learn more about Pokemon Legends Z/A for this year’s Pokemon Day. I am intrigued by when this falls in the XY timeline, and if this will answer some questions about XY I have had for years.

    2. Science KK*

      I’m trying to make more time to game so I’ve been jumping back in to Spiritfarer. Cozy chill game helping spirits.

    3. Jay*

      FINALLY managed to figure out how to get Space Marine II to launch from Steam.
      It’s mostly what I expect to be playing for the near future.

    4. SuprisinglyADHD*

      New Hades 2 update!! Very excited to see the new region but one of the bosses keeps kicking my butt so bad that it wrecks the rest of the run…

    5. GreenApplePie*

      Been having a blast with Monster Hunter Wilds, even if I’m still incredibly rusty after several years not playing any of the Monster Hunter games.

    6. Dr. KMnO4*

      Playing a mix of Destiny 2 and Genshin Impact. I’m finally getting to the point in Genshin where I have a decent amount of characters leveled up, but I still struggle with timed fights because I don’t do enough damage. Now that I’m AR 45 I suppose the next thing to do is farm artifacts to get an actually good set of artifacts for all my characters. Also look up some guides to see what else I need to do.

      I’m enjoying the new zone in Destiny 2, the Nether. I wish more of my irl friends played D2, but it is what it is. At least I have a couple of active Discord servers full of chill people to play with.

    7. Puffle*

      Currently playing Baldurs Gate 3 for the first time. Definitely a learning curve for me, as I’m not used to the D&D mechanics, but finding it very absorbing and mentally engaging

    8. Dinwar*

      Not me, but my son has started playing TES: Oblivion. He’s having fun as a summoner. Every time he summons a skeleton (and it’s often) he sings the “Spooky Scary Skeleton” song.

    9. Spiritbrand*

      I’ve been playing Dungeons & Dragons Online with my very good friend and his family and having a blast. Playing New World and feeling kind of stagnant in trying to get people to do high-level stuff.

      I started playing Marvel Rivals and am having a lot of fun even though I don’t usually play games like that and have a lot to learn/practice.

  4. Jill Swinburne*

    Women with hourglass or pear figures! What do you wear that you find flattering?

    After years of slopping around I want to tidy myself up a bit but I’ve changed shape after pregnancy and turning 40 and what I used to wear doesn’t work so well. I have the complication of being about 5’7 but quite a short waist and busty (35-29-40, high bust 32), so dresses are often a challenge because they’re either tight in the hips or too long in the waist (when I have time to sew, I generally do a 1” full bust adjustment and raise the waist 3/4” and you can’t easily tailor that after the fact), or they make my boobs and/or tummy look enormous.

    More I’m looking for ideas of silhouettes to look for or celebrities to be inspired by, not specific places to buy from – I’m not in the US and I don’t want to shop online, I want to go and try things on. I tend towards casual that can be dressed up and tend to be drawn to the 60s and 70s if I look at vintage.

    TIA!

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      As a larger, curvy person, I feel like 60s and 70s fashions are sometimes cut straight and can thus be a little harder for my shape. I find clothing with a 40s or 50s vibe more flattering on me. When I was trying to find pretty clothes for a more zaftig figure, I looked to see what Vivian Vance would wear on old *I Love Lucy* episodes.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Another flattering look I found was a tailored shirt long enough to go past my butt, capri pants, and a nice t-shirt or halter top underneath with cute sandals.

      2. Jill Swinburne*

        I have done the ‘50s thing (I was sewing extensively c. 2013) but have really struggled to find a way to make it not look or feel twee. I’ve had a little bit more success with ‘80s-does-‘50s, I guess because it feels less ‘put a ribbon in your hair before he comes home’, but in general I think ‘50s style is a bit dressy for me. I will investigate further though!

        1. JSPA*

          Try image google of african american 50s fashion? Not twee, by and large, and largely work- appropriate.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          Oh the fifties shapes are vampy, and the forties even more so. The twee stuff is really more to do with the very young girl looks which was achieved with certain accessories (like ribbons!) If it’s the full skirts that are off putting, try the forties, or wiggle dresses.

      3. Rage*

        Seconding the 40s/50s vibe. I wore a dress the other day at work and I said I was in my Jackie Onassis era, and was going to be getting a pillbox hat. I have probably 5 or 6 dresses now in that same style and I really love how I look in them.

        Also a couple of new ones that I have are kind of a “bohemian” style, and they fit pretty well too.

        1. Not a Fashionista*

          I recommend flowy dresses with smocking at the back and/or waist. Very forgiving figure-wise, look for something with interesting sleeves to balance out the hips.

        2. DJ Abbott*

          Where are you getting these dresses? I love 30s – early 60s fashion, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it in the mainstream.

    2. Jackalope*

      I’m not super great in this area but one thing I did when I was trying to figure this out was go online and look up my body type. I found a couple of websites that had a good explanation of what cuts tend to look good on specific figures and why, and I was able to take that with me to clothing stores and look for items with the sort of cuts they recommended. I do remember for pear shapes they talked about having something on top so you don’t look as hip-centric, like a design at the top of the shirt/blouse/dress. Also, A frame dresses are good for pear shape.

    3. Rosyglasses*

      On Instagram I used to follow CaralynMirand who is a plus size model since age 16 and tends toward a similar body style of myself and what you are describing, although she is 5’9 so taller. She has an Amazon Storefront and often links different clothes from a variety of price points and enough of a style suggestion that you could see what pairs nicely and then try on in your favorite stores. She tends to wear alot of dresses and it has helped me decide what to try.

    4. HannahS*

      I’m a pear-shaped lass (when I sew, I grade two sizes larger from my waist to my hips, add a full-seat adjustment, and also shorten waists by an inch. I’m short, have a pretty average bust and waist, but wide hips and round bum.) The fit-and-flare styles of the early 2010s were great for me; in vintage styles that’s more like the 50s. I absolutely cannot tolerate vintage-style high-waisted pants; I feel like they maximize my tummy and strangle my intestines. Styles I like include:
      -aforementioned fit-and-flare dresses (though I don’t wear them much anymore)
      -knit wrap or faux-wrap dresses, bonus points for ruching
      -swing knit dresses, 60s-ish style trapeze dresses
      -mid/higher rise wide-legged pants (the straight kind, not big flares) with a flowy blouse tucked in
      -jeans and a cropped boxy sweater that just skims the waistband
      -jeans and a big cozy sweater (this is what I actually wear all winter)

      In the summer, I love a calf-length or maxi skirt with a t-shirt. Not revolutionary or particularly trendy, but comfy and looks nice on me.

      I’ve been following Christine Buzan because she kept popping up on my feed with tips on posing for photos (a thing I am terrible at;) she’s a big person with a glamorous style. Not for me, but it works for her.

    5. Semianon*

      As a short waisted and busy woman, I’m fond of tunic style tops in fabrics that aren’t too thin and drape well. They cover my belly and butt, don’t need to be tucked in, and are forgiving of small changes in weight, and I find they look more polished than t-shirts

    6. Alex*

      I’m very pear shaped, and I do love a fit n flare dress when I can find good ones. I’ve also had good luck with a high waisted type dress that is flowy.

      For other kinds of garments, I tend to like straight legged or skinny cut pants, bonus if the brand has a “curvy” or some similar kind of option. For a tidy look, I like to wear the kind of cardigan sweater that is flowy in the front, rather than having buttons. I also really like shirts that do the high-low kind of cut of the hem.

      I tend to avoid any kind of boot cut, because I find that makes me look just like a double hourglass. Sheath dresses and pencil skirts are also out of the question. Any kind of top that tries to guess where your boobs are living usually doesn’t work for me.

    7. Mutually Supportive*

      If you’re in the UK, John Lewis have a personal stylist service which doesn’t cost anything and you aren’t obliged to buy anything. You can just book an appointment and say “heeeelllppp meeeeeee”, explain the kind of thing you’re looking for, and then they bring you stuff to try including explaining how to wear it, why it works for your figure, how to accessorise etc.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        Alas, I am no longer in the UK! If I could teleport John Lewis, drystone walls, canal towpaths in the autumn, and M&S foods here, life would be just about perfect ;-)

    8. Frieda*

      If you watch Abbott Elementary, Melissa (the actor Lisa Ann Walter) has a great hourglass figure and her character is typically dressed in really flattering, attractive clothes. Might be worth a look for some ideas.

    9. Reba*

      I have your exact measurements though I’m shorter. Despite having a short torso I am loving the high-rise, wide leg pants that are everywhere. I hope this trend lasts at least a few more years! I have a pair of wide leg black pants with large front patch pockets (so giving a nod to the 70s) and they are possibly the most flattering garment I own.

      Ironically I feel that high neck tops and dresses make my bust look bigger, while showing a little sternum makes me look more balanced. Everyone is different though!

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        Yeah, I just tried on some jeans in that exact style yesterday and I LOVED the look! Historically I haven’t really suited it but in the last 5 or so years I’ve gained about 4” round the hips (but not put on a massive amount of weight!) so hitting in the smallest part looked really quite good with a tucked in loose fitting top.

    10. cleo*

      My measurements are similar to yours and I’m 5’6″ – I’m 55 and I’ve been dealing with this figure for a long time.

      For vintage looks, I loved the 90s! It was a great decade to be pear-shaped. Mid-rise waistbands, wide legged pants, tops that didn’t tuck in, A-line dresses, swing dresses and coats.

      I’ve had good luck with drapey (but not too drapey) tops that do not tuck in and hit at or below the waistband paired either with straight leg or wide leg pants.

      I like cardigan sweaters (jumpers) as a way to pull together a look – I find them more flattering than pullover sweaters and also easier to alter if I want to take them in a bit at the waist. I usually like ones that are somewhat shaped at the waist. But I also have a cardigan duster (also called a floaty cardigan) that I love – it has a shawl style neckline, no buttons and I feel like Neo in the Matrix as I stride down the hall at work with my black wool cardigan billowing behind me. I pair it with narrow, straight legged pants.

      I like wide legged pants – I prefer mid-rise to high-waisted, because high-waisted has too much of a gap around the waist, but I’ve found it’s pretty easy to add in elastic to the back half of a lot of high-waisted waistbands.

      I’m not a big dress wearer, but I do like flowy sundresses, especially the kinds with ties at the back so you can take it in at the waist. One of my very favorites is one I found in an outdoor market – a maxi dress with a flowy skirt and ruching / elastic at the bodice. It’s similar to the “nap dress” – a style that was big a couple years ago. There are tons of knockoffs floating around.

    11. Elizabeth C.*

      I have a short waisted hourglass figure, and as a piano & violin teacher in my 40’s, I’m aiming for polished, conservative, but easy to move in. I go for maxi skirts with waterfall sweaters, which are abundant in thrift stores right now because they are on their way out.

    12. Acbrn*

      As a shortwaisted 5’2 38-28-42, 50’s is where it’s at!
      I avoid ruching because it either makes me look preggers or like a child.
      Someone said to look more at the vamp look — Marilyn Monroe comes to mind.
      Anything ultra femme but not twee.

    13. Spreadsheet Queen*

      As others have mentioned, fit and flare dresses. I know you said you are 5’7″, but with a short waist, if your bust is high too, you might consider petites in dresses, as long as they have some stretch (because sometimes the shoulders are narrower). I’m 5’8″ and also short-waisted and have some petite knit tops and they just fit better.
      If you’re not uncomfortable wearing a slimmer fit top, wide leg pants may suit you. (I’m more rectangle than hourglass, but wide leg pants are my fave!) There are definitely brands that carry them in a curvy fit with a smaller waist per the hip size. They look best with a slim fit or small waist top IMO, but there are definitely tops that have a slim waist and fuller up top part (some dolman-sleeve tops). Or you can wear a slim fit knit with a cropped cardigan or cropped jacket over it (cropped enough that your slimmer waist is visible!) The cropped cardigan works best if it is not too heavy.
      Oh! And those wide corset belts are a good solution if a dress doesn’t have enough of a waist or it is just a tad low. The belt will give you the full waist from the point you need it and cover the seam that is too low. Of course, you have to pick and choose your style so you don’t look like a pirate wench, lol! (Unless you want to, because your style is whatever you choose!)

  5. Teapot Translator*

    Anyone know if there are forums or blogs about PCOS and/or perimenopause? I definitely have PCOS and I’m probably in perimenopause and I kind of feel alone. And it’s been kind of rough, the hormonal imbalance made me go off the rails a bit (I’m better now). I’m not looking for medical advice as I have already consulted a doctor.

    1. Vanessa*

      Tamsan Fadal has a good insta and I think a new book. It’s a good meeting point of other brewing in the menopause field.

    2. FanciestCat*

      I’ve spent time on r/pcos on Reddit and found it to be pretty good. I’d take any medical advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like you’re more interested in the community anyway.

    3. Perimenopausal*

      The r/menopause sub on Reddit is amazingly supportive. I also have PCOS, though I don’t know how it’s impacted my perimenopause. It’s been rougher for me than it was for my sisters and my friends, so the community and support I found on Reddit was invaluable. All the best to you!

    6. Rose is a rose*

      I like Dr. Jen Gunter’s substack, The Vajenda, for solid info on everythinng from menarche to menopause and much more. Her books are also really good.

    7. Camelid coordinator*

      I think you’ll like the Hit Play Not Pause podcast, which is about how the menopause transition especially affects active women. They do a nice dive into the current research on a regular basis.

    8. Part time lab tech*

      Dr Louise Newson has a good podcast on menopause and I think had a couple of episodes that crossed over with PCOS.
      Jean Hailles (Australia) Foundation has some good basic articles. Just searching on Spotify with those two key words came up with a few episodes that I felt were worth saving.
      soulcysters.net has a forum I found useful 20yrs ago and looks like it’s still active. I think there is also a commercial site that uses a similar name so make sure you’ve got the right one.

    9. I don’t post often*

      I’ve been following The Pause with Dr Mary Claire. And I read The Perimenopause Solution. This is written by docs in England, and I am American.
      I’m looking for a forum to discuss my more embarrassing symptoms so I am following this thread!!

  6. Lets Do This Again!*

    Thanks to everyone who gave advice on attending the President’s Day protest, I had a good, safe, and productive time. There was a good turnout, mood was energetic, and I left feeling more hopeful than I have in a while. I’ll be attending Tuesday’s March 4 protest at my state capitol and then Saturday’s 3/8 International Women’s Day march, I’ve got some signs made and am hoping to locate a Ukrainian flag. Anyone else attending protests in their area?

    1. Undine Spragg*

      There’s a protest in Philadelphia tomorrow (Saturday), which will end up at Independence Hall. I can’t think of anything more iconic to attend! I wasn’t sure about going alone, but I’ve linked up with a neighbor, so I’m very happy about that.

      I think tomorrow is supposed to be protest at your local national park day. (Independence Hall is part of the national park system, and, why yes, they did lose two employees, but I don’t think that’s a major part of this particular protest.)

    2. Jill Swinburne*

      As a non-USian I’m so heartened to hear that protests are taking place. All we’re really getting in the MSM is ‘look what they said this time hur-hur, click and be enraged’ but not much about any kind of resistance or protesting.

      1. InMichigan*

        50501 Michigan is surprisingly organized, or so they seem. Definitely more organized than either of the Notorious Nasty Women groups I am in. There’s several more financial blackouts scheduled as well.

    3. Brevity*

      If you can’t find a Ukrainian flag, they’re easy enough to make, just remember blue on top for the sky, yellow on the bottom for the wheat. If you have two rectangles of fabric you can whip one right up.

      1. Yankees fans are awesome!*

        Yep! It’s tough to find protests where I am, so I have started buying t-shirts made by a local small business to function as my constant protest. One is two thick stripes, one blue and the othrt yellow, representing the Ukranian flag, and another is an abstract sketch of the Gulf states’ coasts with “Gulf of Mexico” slapped right on. I am going to make one of my own that says “86-47.” I got that idea from the Web.

        Onward…

    4. Despachito*

      Thank you from all my heart.

      I am not Ukrainian but my country used to be under Russian rule. I was left speechless yesterday, and it is so uplifting to see that there are good people whose values are not distorted and who care. Thank you again.

    5. IT Manager*

      My local Dems have organized a protest chorus – we are singing that Le Mis song in front of our Representative’s office 3/8!

    6. Ontariariario*

      I’m not in the U.S. so hadn’t thought about attending protests though your comment is a reminder that there’s likely a Women’s Day one here – and I just looked and it is on Thursday so I can’t attend. Shoot. I also like the blue and yellow shirt so I’ll have to see about finding one of those locally.

    7. Lady Alys*

      Definitely attending one at the Capitol in St Paul MN on the 8th, and there will be many online events on March 4 for #Light4Democracy (counter-programming for the State of the Union address).

    9. Reluctant Mezzo*

      We had a Blackout day protest yesterday, and there will be a teacher’s protest on the 4th.

    10. Smol Bookwizard*

      I went to a President’s Day protest in my area as well wi trepidation and social anxiety, brought a dog, and was fine. I intend to attend a Tuesday one downtown… possibly also with a dog… and then we have a down-with-oligarchy march scheduled for the Women’s Day heading through some of the local big tech neighborhoods. That, as expected, may also involve a dog, as they’re my moral support when I’m doing nervous-making things… the little dog is named Gavi after Gavroche from Les Mis, so it’s his birthright to attend demonstrations, I guess.

      I’m still deciding on signs. I was too muddled last time to come up with any.

  7. Meow*

    AAM meta questions: where did the terms “teapot” and “Fergus” came from? Is it as spectacular as “Iranian yoghurt”?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I don’t actually know where teapot came from originally, but I have clearly adopted it!

    2. Chicago Anon*

      The phrase “about as much use as a chocolate teapot” is likely the source for the teapot references.

    3. Zona the Great*

      Alison recently talked about accidentally naming a subject of a letter which was written without names at all and when Alison made up a name for someone in the letter, it ended up being the real name. So maybe she came up with names that are very unlikely to be anyone’s real name. My favs are ones like Florentina Warbleworth. I don’t know how she comes up with them.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Fergus (for a workplace jerk) always cracks me up because it makes me think of the annoying little brother Ferguson on Clarissa Explains It All.

      2. Aphrodite*

        I really like Tangerina. If I was going to change my name (again) I might actually use that as a first name.

    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      I also wonder which letters were the first to use teapots and llamas as stand-ins for widgets and processes. So much AAM lore!

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I first started using Chocolate Teapot as a way of providing context in a question without giving any personal information. It comes from the phrase “as much use as a chocolate teapot” and over the years other people started to use it and adapt into teapots.

        For made up names there was a Tangerina Warbleworth and a Fergusina at one point too!

    5. Emily Byrd Starr*

      And no, it’s not anything as remotely weird as Iranian yogurt. (For those who don’t know, Iranian yogurt is from a very, very weird post from AITA on Reddit.)

  8. Here for the cats*

    I love seeing the cats on their heated beds. We have more heated beds than we have cats. My FIP Warrior uses them year-round.

    1. Manders*

      I don’t have any heated beds, but I have a heated throw blanket on my couch and it’s like a sedative to my kitties.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Interesting — Stella, our FIP kitty, is also the most devoted to the heating pads (and has also become a little chonk, as seen in the photo; she is the orange and white cat closest to the camera).

      1. Rage*

        I wonder if there’s a connection with FIP and heating pads? Perhaps there’s a low-grade fever that causes the cat to feel chilled? That might also account for an increase in body fat or hair growth – like their body thinks it’s always wintertime or something.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I don’t think it’s a fever (in the FIP work I do, we have people take their temps periodically and there shouldn’t be any fever after the first few weeks of treatment), but I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some other permanent change that accounts for it. The other pattern I know of that’s common in cured FIP cats is terrible teeth!

          1. RC*

            Just a random guess (#notthatkindofdoctor), I wonder if it messes with their circulation long-term.

            That said, as far as I know none of our guys have had FIP but they all flipping love the heating pad (admittedly one more than the others… our current grande dame will plop herself on top of whoever is on it “to share”— and that inevitably makes them move).

            1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

              We have a saying in our house (because of one particular orange guy): “There’s always room on top”.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      We added two more dog beds (one upstairs, one down), because The Spanish Inquisition feels very confident about how those are really cat display pedestals. As with our king size bed, she always arranges herself exactly in the middle, thus taking up all the space.

    6. Seal*

      I have an old house with hot water radiators that the cats absolutely love in the winter. The radiators themselves get almost too hot to touch but they all have wooden covers, making them the ultimate heated cat beds. They’re big enough to easily accommodate multiple cats, but if a cat has an entire radiator to themselves they sprawl completely out to soak up all the heat. As far as my cats are concerned, we live in the ultimate cat spa.

    7. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I have a heated blanket, and it was already turned when I went to bed and the cat was waiting for me. Now, I probably turned it on earlier when I was faffing about with the CPAP machine…but I just kind of wondered about it when I saw it last night. (the control is on the floor where she could reach it).

  9. Bluebell Brenham*

    I recently bought my first glass top electric stove and am looking for cleaning tips. Windex doesn’t seem to be that effective. Is soft scrub really the answer?

    1. beep42*

      They make cleaners specifically for glass tops. I think the best one is made by Bar Keepers Friend. It can be hard to find.

      but for everyday, we just use a soapy dish rag and it does pretty good.

      1. I DK*

        Second Bar Keepers Friend, think Comet or Ajax without the suds. It shines copper & stainless too! I also keep a razor blade handy for those pasta water blow-overs.

    2. Rosyglasses*

      We use Weiman Glass Cooktop cleaner. There is a daily spray and then a cream based cleaner with a scrubby pad that will not scratch. It works like a dream!

        1. Doodles*

          Would recommend Weiman’s too. I’ve gotten it at Home Depot and my local grocery store.

    3. HannahS*

      I use either Barkeeper’s Friend or Vim. You have to get one that’s specifically for glass tops, otherwise it’ll scratch.

    4. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been using Weiman Cook Top Daily Cleaner almost every day and then Weiman Glass Cook Top Heavy Duty Cleaner & Polish once or twice a week. These are carried by my local WalMart. I have not seen any other cleaners for glass cook tops but I will keep an eye out for Bar Keepers Friend Glass Cook Top Cleaner. The Weiman products are a bit spendy but they are the best that I’ve found so far. I really only consider them to be O.K. and not great.

    5. Bethlam*

      Home Depot and Lowe’s both carry glass top cleaners as well. I’ve had my glass top for 20 years and have used different brands with the same amount of success. I would NOT recommend Soft Scrub. Best advice: don’t wait too long between cleanings with the made-for-glass-cooktops cleaners, especially if something boils over or you have a major spill.

      One other piece of advice: train everyone in your household to never, never, NEVER set anything plastic on the stove.

      1. Poquito Gordito Pinguino*

        I use Weiman too. My glass stove top is 25 years old and still shines like new. The secret is to clean it after every use, whether you feel like it or not. My other top tip is if something boils over such as potatoes, clean while the burner is still hot. Soak a dishcloth in cold water, fold it a few times to protect your hand, and quickly scrub the spill a few times until almost nothing remains. Then polish with the Weiman when cool. I love my glass top stove.

        1. I DK*

          Also, before you clean, if you are a lazy cook like me, lay a wet towel on the cooled surface, wait a while and it makes cleanup easier.

      2. RLC*

        Seconding the advice to clean up spills ASAP.
        Also, never plop anything small but heavy on the glass. My dad set a bottle of olive oil down just a bit too hard on his glass stove top and the stove top cracked. Couldn’t get it repaired (age of stove) and had to replace stove.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My way of keeping people from setting stuff on my stovetop has been to get what I’ve seen called a “noodle board” — I got mine from Etsy. It’s basically a wooden cover with handles, mine is patterned to look like a sort of quilt block. It has felt backings in the corners and sits on top of the stove to protect the stovetop, to keep plastic from being set directly on top of the burners, and it does occasionally give me some extra counter space for a temporary need. (We also keep the stove buttons locked when not in use, and as soon as the “hot” light goes off the board goes back on top.)

    6. JSPA*

      Gleen cloth. Damp. No product. It’s smooth microfiber that doesn’t make me cringe to touch it, even when my hands are chapped. If there are caked on food deposits, sponge or sponge cloth first, to loosen.

      Gleen cloth can go straight from stainless steel pots to windows or other glass; wash out in the sink with dish soap, or toss in the laundry.

      It never fully lets go of darker stains (that’s the only reason I can think that it’s not universally popular) but they work for years.

      Not affiliated in any way, just a long term user.

    7. epicdemiologist*

      We use a product made for the purpose, but as an additional help: I’ve found that the key to removing scorched-on stuff is: 1. soak a paper towel in water and spread it over the stain; leave for 10-15 minutes, then 2. use a razor blade to scrape off the now-softened stuff. After that the glass cooktop cleaner removes any leftover bits.

  10. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Watched My Life is Murder, which rests (ably) on the considerable charm of the cast. Nice as a comfort view–and I appreciate Lucy Lawless stomping up to say yes, she will complain about the bad service, and she doesn’t care if you call her Karen–but I don’t think the police can actually solve murders by hiring consultants who can then clone your phone, copy your hard drive, break and enter, etc.

    Watched Surface S1, which similarly rests on the magnetism of Gugu Mbathu Raw as a woman who lost her memory, and starts questioning what she’s being told. I thought the twists in the second half landed well, pulling things together in a way I hadn’t thought of. But spouse pointed out that there appears to be no social media, so you have to be willing to go with the plot and not squint at the seams.

    1. HannahS*

      The mister and I are watching Shoresy, which is a comedy about a senior men’s hockey league in Sudbury, ON (a city of about 170 000 near Wisconsin/Michigan.) It’s pretty crass, but also probably the best-written Canadian television I’ve seen in a long time (Canadian television is…well, it exists but it’s not always worth watching.) Shoresy has heart, it’s got really solid Indigenous representation, and it’s silly and dumb.

      Apparently the star/writer/producer also wrote another show called Letterkenny, so we’ll watch that next.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Yeah it actually makes more sense to watch Letterkenny first! We’ve enjoyed both although as someone raised Mennonite their depiction of Mennonites is…. Bad.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            It is, but I laugh so hard I wheeze at the dialogue. I don’t know how they managed to keep a straight face through those scenes.

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        Wow! I will put that on my ‘must watch’ list. Wikipedia describes it as ‘full of salty Canadian vernacular.’ Right up my alley. Thanks for this!

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Love My Life is Murder, especially when they throw in little Easter Egg hints to her Xena past–like one where’s she’s investigating a salon and the hair stylist suggests “going dark with a blunt fringe.” I also love Chowder, the enormous marmie beast who sheds everywhere.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Kind of between shows. We’re sailing down the Dark Shadows river at a leisurely pace for our lunchtime viewing–we’ve watched it through once so this is more of a giggle, dip in and out rewatch. I’m planning to start Dead Loch soon and am watching the new Father Browns, Murdoch Mysteries and Death in Paradises as they pop up on Prime.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        I was very pleasantly surprised by Deadloch, I hope you enjoy it too! It took maybe 2-3 episodes to really take off, but stick with it and I think you’ll like it.

    6. allathian*

      The most recent season of Father Brown. Loved to see DI Sullivan finally tell his insufferable father to get lost, and the wedding was so sweet!

      Gosford Park, the 2001 Robert Altman movie was very good with a stellar cast.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I love Brenda this season! They have her dancing and getting to show off a lot more.

    7. Helvetica*

      I watched Moonstruck and it was delightful! Cher is truly luminous, Nicolas Cage is intense and bananapants in a way that works for the movie and Olympia Dukakis is truly outstanding in her role.

      1. dapfloodle*

        I saw that for the first time a couple of years back and really enjoyed it, and I am fairly picky about movies!

    8. CTT*

      I’m in my final pre-Oscars run and seeing The Brutalist today and Flow tomorrow. My sister and I were going to watch I’m Still Here last night, but we were tired and watched Royal Tenenbaums instead and man that still holds up so well.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I saw I’m Still Here last weekend and it’s great – Fernanda Torres is brilliant in the lead role. Hope you enjoy Flow, it’s my favourite animation in a long time!

      2. Hazel herds cats*

        Flow… Flow is magical. A masterpiece. I adore Flow. I bought it.

        The best thing I’ve seen since My Friend Totoro.

        Flow… Such a gift.

        I also have found it fascinating that none (zero, zip) of the critics have said word one about the references (visual, storyline, etc) in Flow. I’ve slowly come to the conclusion that said critics are unfamiliar with said referenced works, canonical as they are in their genres (e.g., speculative fiction). But then it’s long been clear to me that this current crop of critics are cosplaying at being into F&SF, gaming, etc., and have tastes as boring, esoteric and vicious as those of critics from the 1970s (or 1930s for that matter).

    9. o_gal*

      Dr. Stone, on Crunchyroll. It’s a Japanese anime about how the world experiences a weird green light one day that petrifies everyone. The first person to break out of their stone shell is Senku, who is a high school aged scientific genius/savant. He gradually figures out how to defeat the petrification and starts to de-stone people. At one point, he de-stones a high school martial arts genius, Tsukasa. Senku wants to make a Kingdom of Science and de-stone everyone, while Tsukasa only wants to de-stone young people to build a new world without the people in the past who tried to grab land, put people under their economic or political control, etc. But Tsukasa undertakes this by destroying the people who are still petrified – you have to be whole in order to live after being revived, so Tsukasa is basically murdering people. I don’t want to say anything more or it will be spoilers, but it’s a great series. The science in it is accurate and real, as confirmed by some of the Mythbusters crew. It’s a great way for everyone to learn more science!

    10. Mrs. Frisby*

      Someone here talked about watching The Taskmaster, so we started that a few weeks ago (UK version) and we are loving it. For sure going to be watching them all. I’m a Thursday Murder Club fan so was delighted to see Richard Osman as a contestant on the second season.

      I’m also on season 3 of Girls5eva and I’m so sad it’s the last season. It’s just consistently hilarious and delightful with surprisingly catchy/funny music.

      Also watching A Man on the Inside on Netflix, and really enjoying that, as well. Ted Danson is great and it’s both funny and touching in moments–the episode we watched last night made me tear up.

      2. Tea & Sympathy*

        I’m also working my way through Taskmaster UK. They put all the episodes on YouTube. Yay! I started watching on the recommendation of a friend, and it took me a bit to get into it, but now I love it. It’s the lightness and humor that I need just now. For me it was important to know that Alex developed the show, writes it and comes up with the tasks, otherwise I would feel sorry for him.

      3. RC*

        I love all of those! Renee Elise Goldsberry’s comedic timing on girls5eva is most excellent. Taskmaster has been doing “My Ultimate Episode” and Richard Osman did one of those (and the algorithm has now gotten me into his game show, because I ran out of TM). The Aus and UK TM are also enjoyable, although none of the other taskmasters are as good as Greg IMO. And of course I’ll watch anything done by Mike Schur.

      4. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        A Man on the Inside was so enjoyable. My mom had vascular dementia and the references to dementia care definitely gave me a few moments but the show overall is fun and funny.

    11. ecnaseener*

      Paradise, on Hulu — it’s fantastic. Sterling K. Brown plays a Secret Service agent suspected of murdering the president, played by James Marsden. (We get extensive flashbacks, so Marsden has plenty to do besides play dead!)

      There’s more to the premise, but it’s best if you figure it out while watching. It’s very, very cool – great writing with complexities and twists that feel earned, and great acting all around. I stayed up too late watching it last night and now I have to wait for the last episode :(

    12. Nervous Nellie*

      I’m watching Black Books on Tubi – a hysterically funny series about a young, curmudgeonly Irish bookseller and his two closest friends who tolerate his nonsense. It has me shouting with laughter. Dylan Moran is an Irish national treasure.

      2. Geriatric Rocker*

        Friends and I saw Bill Bailey live a few years ago and came out with our ribs hurting. He also did a great tv series on West Aus where I live. Lots of, “Been there!” moments.

    13. Fructose*

      Yellowstone and I love it (on the last episode as I type). Very late to the party on it I know but it’s been really gripping and some of the characters are sensational. I used to think I had bad luck and then I encountered the Duttons!

    14. Pharmgirl*

      White Lotus (currently season 3 airing) – I thought the first 2 seasons were fine but I didn’t LOVE them the way others seemed to. However, I’m liking this current season much more, so hopefully it keeps it up!

      Also trying to catch up on the Righteous Gemstones before the 4th/final season starts next week. I HIGHLY recommend this show, it is absolutely hilarious. It is no way something I would have ever considered watching but a few coworkers really said to give it a try, and I’m glad I did. It’s been very enjoyable.

    15. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Found out that Tubi has the animated Redwall show, it’s just as good as I remember! Some of the sound effects are a little off-putting though, they never bothered me as a kid but they’re a bit uncomfortable now.

    16. PollyQ*

      Watched Flow at home on Max. Liked it, and certainly found it well-done and gripping, but didn’t love it as much as I’d expected.

    17. All Monkeys are French*

      I’m happy Yellowjackets is back, but it has grown less compelling and I’m struggling to care about any of the characters. I’m hoping things pick up.
      I am enjoying the new season of Reacher. Last season was a weak point, but these new side characters are great.
      I continue to be enthralled by Severance.

    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Death in Paradise on DailyMotion. I like the new Detective Inspector — suitably grouchy at first, but I’m sure he’ll be in love with Sainte Marie life shortly.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I like the new recruit too–a great intro to a character who clearly has ADHD but that’s not the Only Thing about his character.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Agreed — he seems like a lovely addition to the force!

    19. RC*

      Our library has My Life is Murder and I will get it sometime, based on recs from here and also just <3 Lucy Lawless. Currently been watching Richard Osman’s House of Games (just randomly picking episodes if I see someone I liked from Taskmaster) because British trivia is what I can handle right now.

      Also kind of been watching High Potential, which is okay (based on a recommendation by PCHH— it’s actually not about Kaitlin Olson and weed which I’d assumed from the title and the thumbnail on Hulu). Category is actually “eccentric helps cops solve crimes” (e.g., your Psych, your Castle, your Medium). I think the acting is better than the writing, but again it’s fluffy enough that I haven’t quit it yet. Also I like Judy Reyes.

      1. allathian*

        I like the French version, HPI, Haut potentiel intellectuel, even if the super intelligent (IQ 160) main character Morgane can be a bit annoying sometimes. She reads very ADHD to me because her private life is such a mess, single mom with 3 kids by as many dads gets pregnant with her 4th, and she has 3 potential dads for the baby. The older kids are great, even if it sometimes feels like the teen daughter’s parenting her mom…

        Another French favorite is Panda, with an eccentric, technophobic male cop who quit and embraced a beachcomber lifestyle after a stakeout went wrong. Great chemistry between him and a female coworker.

        1. RC*

          Yeah I’m definitely eyerolling some of the pseudoscience stuff presented as straight facts “oh I have a high IQ that definitely means I’m smart” “everyone’s body language in interrogation definitely says something about whether they’re lying or not” *sigh* but I’ve also heard from other sources that the original was good, we may check it out at some point.

    20. Mimmy*

      My husband and I are watching some of the Best Picture nominees:

      Finished Conclave the other night. Good story. Gives you an idea of the process for electing a new Pope. My only beef is that it was hard to distinguish the characters at first.

      Currently watching The Substance. Very. Weird.

      Up next: Flow

    21. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been watching Season 9 of Seaside Hotel on my local PBS station. It is 1945. World War II is finally over. The Nazis have abandoned the hotel and Amanda is running it again. Most of the staff and guests have returned and the usual comic soap opera antics are resuming, but with some dark and heavy moments, too. Loved ones have gone missing and are being sought. Count Grev Ditmar showed up, looking worse for wear, after having been sent to a concentration camp in Dachau. Under questioning from the other guests, he outed himself to their shock. It was a compelling scene.

    22. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Watched as much of My Life Is Murder as we could get access to thanks to someone mentioning it here and enjoyed it. I know all the law-breaking stuff she does is unrealistic but I did appreciate it when she jumped out of the way of someone driving a vehicle at her and came up with a scraped and bloody forearm. In most American movies or series I feel as if they tend to leave out the real-world effects like that.

      Rewatched the first two seasons of Astrid (also known as Astrid et Raphaelle) to get grounded in it again and went on with seasons 3 and 4. Now have to figure out where we can watch season 5.

      For a gentle palate cleanser, “Old Enough,” the Japanese show about little kids being sent off by themselves to do errands, with very caring adults all around them making sure they don’t come to harm.

      Having made our way through plenty of cooking shows we’re now on an older British one, The Big Family Cooking Showdown. Teams of 3 family members go up against each other in things like a 10£ challenge that requires picking ingredients that don’t cost more than 10 pounds and making a family meal and another that’s cooking in their own homes, not the show’s kitchen space. Family dynamics (mostly sweet, a bit of sour now and then), lots of flavors thanks to people bringing their traditional foodways from all over, not as high-end in the challenges as GBBO.

  11. Puffshroom*

    Can anyone recommend any good historical fiction or non-fiction about Ireland? (Including the Republic and Northern Ireland) I’ve been looking into Irish family history on both sides (I was born and raised in the UK) and have a bit of an intriguing mystery about an ancestor who moved from Galway to London probably around 1915-20 (while the other side were Protestant Northern Irish) . While trying to do the genealogy digging, I’ve also been getting up to speed on Irish history, in general and also specifically when this ancestor was alive to try to get a better idea of what the situation was. I’ve found some great podcasts: The Irish History Podcast (extremely comprehensive and detailed!), Irish Passport, Transatlantic (about the relationship between Ireland and the US) and A Short History of Ireland (on the BBC). But I was hoping to also find some absorbing novels or fascinating non-fiction books, but I haven’t had much luck. (I bought a book called ‘1916’ by Morgan Llewelyn, which is the first in a series that gets great reviews but I find it a bit clunky – the storyline feels like an excuse to present the historical research and the main character shoehorned into the main events of the day.) So anything set in/about the late 19th and early 20th centuries would be great (and there’s a possibility that my ancestor’s brother was in an industrial school so anything about those would be useful. But generally I’d love to hear about any great books about Irish history. (I knew that my British education had been shockingly uninterested in Ireland but somehow the more I do learn, the more horrified I am about it!)

    2. Lore*

      Patrick Radden Keefe’s Say Nothing might be a little more modern than you’re looking for but it’s brilliant—a history of the Troubles but with such vivid character portraits it reads like a novel.

      2. Puffshroom*

        Oh I have read and loved that – it was SO good. Just the sort of thing I’m looking for too. (And I’m really open to all periods right up to now.) It might be good to go back and reread actually — thanks for mentioning it!

      1. Lifelong student*

        Love this and his Rebels of Ireland. Have also read 2016- twice I think. Found it interesting but not quite as engaging.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I found that the 1916 series gets way less clunky as it goes on. The historical research is always there, but like, someone told the author “you can’t have your characters THAT much in the middle of all the everything” and she lightened up on it a lot after the first book.

      1. Puffshroom*

        Oooh this is really good to know, thanks. I’m going to keep going with 1916 (as I do actually want the historical information!) but I’m much more inclined to give the others a chance if that issue is addressed!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The later couple generations in the series are still adjacent to some Major Historical Situations, but nowhere near as obviously jammed-into-the-middle as Ned is with the Rising. (I admit, I eyerolled a little bit about the Titanic part. I actually read 1921, the second book, first by accident, I didn’t realize it was a series until I was partway through it.)

      1. Rose is a rose*

        Also by Emma Donoghue: The Pull of the Stars. It’s a historical novel set in a maternity hospital in Dublin in November 1918. WWI is ending and the influenza pandemic is beginning.

          1. Lady Alys*

            The “Empire” podcast (hosts – William Dalrymple and Anita Anand) are doing a series on the colonization of Ireland right now.

            1. Puffshroom*

              Oh yes, thank you – I actually meant to add that into my list of podcasts, but forgot – am really enjoying it!

    6. Irish books*

      Maybe I’m biased because I’m Irish but the history is fascinating so happy learning!
      – Strumpet City by Joseph Plunkett is a classic about tenements in Dublin around 1913
      – Walter Macken in the 1950/60s wrote 3 historical fiction novels set during the Cromwellian invasion (1600), Famine (1850) and War of Independence (early 20th century).
      – John Mcgahern has several books set in the mid 20th century about small town Irish life, not a lot may have changed since the 1900s
      – Fallen by Lia Mills is set in Dublin in 1916
      – They’re children’s books but Marita Conlon-McKenna has several mainly about the famine and emigration
      – Nora by Nuala O’Connor about James Joyce’s wife mainly takes place outside Ireland but there are interesting descriptions of Galway around the start of the 20th century of I remember correctly
      – Tread Softly on my Dreams by Gretta Curren Brown about the 1801 rebel Robert Emmet, he was protestant like lots of Irish rebels
      – if you haven’t already, read the proclamation (Google 1916 proclamation, it’s a single page). it’s an amazing document, freedom and equality for women and all religions. The inherent right to freedom is important to Irish people and can explain why we’ve been outspoken about international politics and wars lately. Lots of the rebels were poets and loads of women fought including Constance Markievicz, also protestant, who was the first woman elected to the UK parliament but didn’t take her seat because she was in prison.
      – the Magdalene laundries and industrial schools were very dark times in Irish history. if your ancestor’s brother was in an industrial school, there are books by survivors but they will probably be very hard reading. There’s several about Magdalene Laundries. Small things like these by Clare Keegan, set in the 1980s, was just made into a film with Cillian Murphy.
      – I know you asked for books but The Wind that Shakes the Barley with Cillian Murphy is an excellent film about the war of independence, and Michael Collins with Liam Neeson is definitely worth a watch. About the North of Ireland from the 60s onwards from an Irish perspective, Bloody Sunday with James Nesbit is very good, Hunger about the hunger strikers, Some Mother’s Son, In the Name of the Father.
      – The Catalpa Rescue this is set in Australia about Irish rebels who were sent and imprisoned there but it’s an amazing story, I don’t know how it hasn’t been made into a film yet
      And if you’re still based in the UK, come visit, there’s lots of walking tours you can do and you can go to the pub to take a break from our depressing history lol

      2. Puffshroom*

        This is amazing, thank you so much! And I agree that the history is really fascinating. I’m currently based very far from home so can’t hop over any time soon, but definitely want to as soon as I can. I grew up visiting Belfast regularly and have family in Dublin, but my vague sense that ‘one day’ I’d get to know Ireland better definitely has been superseded by a strong interest in doing so!

        1. Irish books*

          Not sure where you’re based at the moment but the Irish got everywhere so it’s a good chance there’s some local Irish history wherever you are that might be interesting to look into!

    7. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Fintan O’Toole is an Irish journalist who came out with a book a couple of years that looks at Ireland during his lifetime (so starting roughly late 1950s), mixes history and memoir. Just checked and it’s called ‘We Don’t Know Ourselves’. I haven’t read it yet but I’ve enjoyed his articles in the Guardian and Irish Times!

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        I also like Sebastian Berry for historical fiction, although I’ve read only one set in Ireland, called The Secret Scripture. (The other two were about an Irish immigrant to the U.S. and the people he meets – I do highly recommend them! The first is called Days Without End) I think his books all technically focus on different, distantly-connected members of the same family, but it’s not super obvious.

    8. WellRed*

      Not specifically to your parameters but Nuala Ofaolin has some wonderful reads including her memoir Are You Sonebody and a novel my Dream of You about a writer researching Irish history.

    9. Charly*

      ‘Troubles’ by J.G. Farrell is an interesting (and more fun than it sounds) novel set in an Anglo-Irish family in the 19teens

    10. Puffshroom*

      Thanks so much for all the suggestions – really looking forward to working my way through them!!

    11. Lady Alys*

      The “Empire” podcast (hosts – William Dalrymple and Anita Anand) are doing a series on the colonization of Ireland right now.

    12. Teacher Lady*

      In as much as they are enjoyable, I really liked Frank McCourt’s memoirs. I also became interested in Roger Casement after reading King Leopold’s Ghost, which led me to Mario Vargas Llosa’s Dream of the Celt, which led me to the Easter Rising. (Stuff You Missed in History Class has good episodes on the Easter Rising and the potato famine, which are likely more basic than UK listeners might need, but might be good picks for my fellow U.S. Americans who didn’t know about this stuff even if they took AP Euro!)

    13. Part time lab tech*

      If cosy mysteries are something you enjoy, Peter Tremayne ‘s Sister Fidelma mysteries are good. It’s set in Ireland just as the Roman Catholic church is taking over from the previous Irish Christian churches.

  12. RLC*

    Love the feline facial expressions, seeming to judge the human for daring to interrupt The Warming of The Kitty-loaves for a photo op.

    1. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      “This meeting doesn’t concern you, hooman. Close the door on your way out.”

  13. Socks?*

    All my socks are getting pretty tatty; I was wondering if people had suggestions. I just want comfortable women’s socks that don’t have a noticeable seam I can feel and aren’t too thick. Ankle or quarter socks are what I’m looking for. I have some Bombas and I like them fine but don’t love them the way others do so am open to other suggestions.
    Also specifically looking for the no show socks that you wear with work flats. Finding ones that fully stay up over my heel seems to be really difficult!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. Ondo are the only no-shows that actually work for me. They never slip. I have the regular no-shows I wear with sneakers and the low cut ones I wear with Toms or flats. Both work great. I even got my oldest sister to try them. She’s notoriously hard to please or impress when it comes to clothing and she, too, loves them.

    2. Honoria Lucasta*

      for flats, I can’t say enough good things about Gekks! I could never find a footie small enough to be truly no-show on my feet, but Gekks absolutely do the trick.

      for regular socks, I really like Old Navy basic white ankle socks. I don’t know if the seam would be too much for you, but they’re nice and thin (and blessedly interchangeable when they come out of the wash)

    3. Bart*

      Huge fan of the thin Smartwool socks for work. They keep my feet dry and warm without being too thick. And the patterns are fun! I built up my collection over time as they are expensive, but they have held up well.

      1. epicdemiologist*

        Another recommendation for Smartwool. The thin ones are comfortable and lovely and they last forever!

    4. Knighthope*

      Hue makes liner socks in several sizes, colors, & styles. The microfiber ones I got have a silicone heel patch which helps them stay in place. Having the correct size range instead of “one size” helps, too.

    5. HamlindigoBlue*

      If you suspect a wool allergy, I’d try alpaca socks. I think Paka is a good brand.

      1. HamlindigoBlue*

        Oops…wrong sock thread for the wool sock thing!

        For ankle socks, I like the Calia running socks (not the training socks, those are thinner but the same design). Unfortunately, they are only available from Dicks Sporting Goods. I think they’re similar to Balega.

        +1 for Saucony too.

        1. HamlindigoBlue*

          For flats, like ballet flats where it’s hard to find a sock that doesn’t show, I like the liners from Clarks.

    6. Pharmgirl*

      I recently bought a pack of Saucony ankle socks and love them. The ones I have are on the thicker side, but they may have thinner styles.

    7. Doodles*

      I’ve been getting “Gold Toe Sport 6 Pair No Show Socks Womens” from JC Penny for a few years. They come in black or white. The listing says they’re 78% cotton, but they’re actually 74% if that matters. Make sure you wait for coupon + a sale if you’re getting them (It’s $13.68 for a pair of 6 with the sale/coupon right now. I think the cheapest I’ve gotten them was about $10 or $11 around holidays.)

      They’re called “no show,” but I think you’d need “liners” type socks for flats?

      1. Doodles*

        Forgot to mention that the seam isn’t noticeable/bothersome to me. The socks themselves are fairly thin (they have the terrycloth type finish on the inside to provide cushioning so they’re not as thin as decorative socks and they last a long time before they get holes, but you’d probably need to wear slippers or slipper socks over them in the winter at home because they’re not super thick).

    8. fhqwhgads*

      Darn Tough. Lifetime warranty, and they mean it. They’re expensive, but besides return shipping, if they ever wear through, free replacement. Also the most comfy socks I’ve ever worn.

      1. FalafalBella*

        HUE makes a supersoft no show sox in black or white as well as just a toe cover.
        I buy them in CVS and really like the no-seam soft quality (and they are reasonably priced)

  14. Jackalope*

    Random easy (I think?) clothing question. Any suggestions on finding good socks? I used to get the packs of white cotton socks that you get at places like JC Penney’s, but I never really liked them. For a long time I loved the Smart Wool socks from REI, until I developed a wool allergy and now I can’t tolerate them. I’ve got some thin-fabric pairs of decorated socks with fun images on them given to me as gifts, but they aren’t super durable. I’m wanting something I can wear inside sneakers and hiking boots (with the hiking boots obviously needing taller socks) that will be comfortable for extended periods of time, since I usually only wear those kinds of shoes when I’m getting exercise (the rest of the time I wear sandals). Any thoughts?

    1. Alex*

      If you are willing to shell out for them, bombas socks are awesome. I’m personally a fan of the quarter socks, but they have all sorts of styles to suit your preferences. They are expensive but the ones I bought a year ago and wear frequently don’t show the slightest wear yet.

    2. Vanessa*

      I really like drymax socks. They were a big splurge back when I was more of a runner. I have some from 15 years ago that are just wearing out. I’ve bought more since. I love them.

    3. RLC*

      We’ve had good luck with the Kirkland brand athletic/crew socks from Costco. Work well with athletic shoes/trainers/sneakers and also with work boots.

    4. Toughie*

      The answer to this is Darn Tough! Thruhikers love them because they last hundreds to thousands of miles, and have a lifetime warranty, which I’ve taken advantage of!

    5. Mango*

      Alpaca socks are similar in quality to merino wool socks, but without the lanolin that makes so many people allergic to sheep wool.

    6. The Prettiest Curse*

      I have some bamboo socks from Boody that are good quality and have lasted well so far. They’re an Australian brand, but are available worldwide through their website. They do great seam-free underwear too.

    7. Angstrom*

      Cotton is not a great choice for hiking. If you can’t tolerate wool, I’d look for a good synthetic athletic sock. Maybe look at a running/outdoor retailer? I’ve had good luck with Swiftwick but there are many other brands that could work.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Ditto on avoiding cotton because it holds moisture and doesn’t work well for hiking.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A small tangent. I went years thinking I had a wool allergy until a knitting friend said it could be processing chemicals and dyes, or simply a physical reaction to specific fibers.

      I’ve since found that I don’t react to lambswool, merino, and cashmere. Expensive but helpful for winter so I share it for others to consider.

      Someone in my stitch&bitch group wondered if some things I’d reacted to were mismarked since I’d been buying street-vendor garments when in NYC. If a cheap manufacturer added dog fur to the wool, my dog allergy could look like wool allergy. (This was around the time when a designer’s faux fur trims turned out to have been replaced withcdog fur–designer was equally appalled as the rest of us.)

      All that said, merino socks are my lifeline for winter. ( And so far i’ve only lost one pair to the dryer.)

    10. GoryDetails*

      My current favorites for heavier socks are from Conscious Step; they have a line of socks ornamented for various birds or beasts, in partnership with conservation efforts, and I find them attractive and comfortable. (I get mine from a local bird-seed store, but they’re available online as well.) They aren’t cheap, but they are durable and cozy.

    11. Pharmgirl*

      I like the Saucony brand I bought. They’ve been great for workouts but also I love them so much I wear them with everything!

    12. SuprisinglyADHD*

      For boot socks, I always go with Red Wing. They’re super pricy though, ~$30 per pair. They last for years though, especially the type that’s black. The brown kind are thinner and I find they wear out faster.

    13. WFH4VR*

      If your feet are big enough for a men’s small, highly recommend WigWam socks. They are around 80% cotton and nice and thick. You can order directly from them.

    14. HamlindigoBlue*

      I posted this to the wrong sock thread…copying it here.

      If you suspect a wool allergy, I’d try alpaca socks. I think Paka is a good brand.

    15. Grits McGee*

      I really like the Uniqlo mens colorful 50 crew socks. They’re mostly cotton, pretty inexpensive, and have stood up to regular wear for 6-7 years now. I wear them with my hiking boots without issue (though I’m using those boots to walk through the city, not venture out into the wilderness).

    16. dapfloodle*

      My male counterpart and I really like socks from the brand Stance. I first ordered them from SockDreams but just found some on sale at a Nordstrom. They seem to hold up well and also usually have some arch reinforcement.

    17. Fave socks*

      I love Feetures socks. Made for athletic endeavors, snug fit against the foot, lots of pretty colors!

    18. Dinwar*

      Bass Pro has some really good socks. They’re designed for hiking, so they’re really durable. Thick, though, which can be a problem with some footwear.

  15. Debt Relief*

    Has anyone used one of those debt relief organizations successfully or are they all too risky or scams which would make your finances worse? Asking for a friend who has crushing credit card debt and inability to pay. She’s in the US and considering filing for bankruptcy. Is there any legit debt relief organization she could try first?

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Yes! It’s been a while so I’ll have to dig out the information, but I did use one and got my debt paid down in a couple of years.

      1. Organized chaos*

        When I was considering a service like this, these are folks I talked with, and they were great. I wound up not needing it, but I really appreciated the time they spent and how thorough they were.

        1. Debt Relief*

          Organized Chaos, do you have a link or the name of the organization you spoke with?

          1. Indolent Libertine*

            They might have supplied a link in a separate comment that’s still in the moderation queue.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Found it! I used Clearpoint Financial Solutions. This was a while ago, but back then they were terrific. I would send X amount to them and they distributed it to the different bills I was paying off. As each one finished up, I added their amount to another bill and moved faster as I got to the end!

        It’s not just banks or credit cards either–I used the same setup to pay my dad back at the same time.

    2. Vio*

      I’m afraid I can’t speak for US but I’ll put my experiences here just in case they’re useful for anybody else in UK.
      Several years ago I was in dire financial straits and a friend recommended a charity called Christians Against Poverty, who were happy to help despite my not being religious (and they made zero attempts to convert me). I ended up not needing to go through with the bankruptcy as I gained a part time job that was compatible with my health issues, but they did a great job of sorting out the paperwork and preparing everything and were happy to hear that it wasn’t needed.
      More recently I’ve had help from Citizens Advice Bureau to check I’m receiving all the benefits I’m entitled to (I was not. Now I am, it makes a huge difference) and to get my debts managed and we looked at the possibility of a Debt Relief Order.

    3. Fastest Thumb in the West*

      I used one of these services many years ago. It was offered through my local United Way, which is a legitimate and well-respected national organization. I was put on a plan which got me out of debt in three years.

    4. BlueWolf*

      Look into the National Foundation for Credit Counseling. They are a non-profit. I haven’t used them, but I found them recommended in an article by Michelle Singletary who writes personal finance columns for The Washington Post.

    5. AnonToday*

      I used Credit Advisors on the recommendation of a friend (which made me feel a lot less shame about it.) This was in about 2010.

      It is a not-for-profit that will negotiate a payment system with all your cc debt holders (or at least that was how it worked when I used it – it may include other debt, IDK.) The interest stopped but we also could not use the cards anymore for 5.5 years. It did not harm our credit. We paid back about 70K in credit card debt and they negotiated a division of the payments when we divorced before the plan was complete.

      Benefits: you cannot keep digging yourself into the hole. You pay back the debt in a way that protects your credit, which is important for lots of professions. I felt enormous relief when the existential dread of being in terrible debt forever lifted.

      Drawbacks: you cannot keep using your cards. They do identify a threshold where you should be able to keep paying for your housing and food, etc. but things that people pretty regularly put on credit cards – like plane tickets – are trickier to buy. It takes a long time and can require some painful cuts in your budget. Your friend should ask a lot of questions about whether she’ll be able to get a car loan, etc. during this process (I don’t remember and don’t want to hazard a guess.)

      I had an aquaintence who took one of those “one secret trick” paths and just stopped paying her cc bills, lied to bill collection agencies when they called, and eventually called the cc companies to negotiate a lower total payment in return for closing out the debt. She claimed it worked but I’m sure it damaged her credit and it wasn’t the path for me.

      I have now paid off my cc each month since opening a new account maybe six years ago, with two exceptions where I opened no-interest cards to pay for home repairs but then I paid those off before the interest began accumulating, and I kept paying off my one regular card. I have had other changes in my finances (including a divorce) that improved my situation so I’m not arguing that all it takes is discipline or something. But I have not ever gone into unsecured consumer debt again and I never will.

    6. mreasy*

      I used LendingClub to find a low interest loan I could use to pay off my credit card debt. It was a lifesaver. And not a scam!

    8. CCdebtfree*

      I went the same path as AnonToday and paid off about 25K in cc’s in less than 5 years. I do not remember the exact company, but it was similar to the name they mention and could have been them. They negotiated my interest rates down to almost nothing, all my cards were closed, and I had to agree to not open another card. There was an added fee to each payment of about 60.00, which was inducement to pay it off quicker when I started working a 2nd job. I just made extra payments directly to the card anytime I could. It really changed how I approached my finances not having a cc for 5 years. It was only a problem one time when I was trying to rent a car out of state, but I was able to accomplish it. In the 10 years since then I’ve never paid interest on a credit card. My brother did do the bankruptcy route and for him it was a good choice. But you have to consider how it affects your credit for a long time and the ability to get a car loan or a mortgage. Good luck to your friend. It’s a tough spot to be in, but it feels good to start down the path of taking care of it.

    9. Ontariariario*

      There are a bunch of non-profits that can help, and it does work if the person is committed. The biggest problems are scammers who charge high fees to help, and situations where people consolidate high-interest debts into a second mortgage or line of credit but don’t stop spending. You would be doing a huge kindness to your friend in researching options in your area. For some people a bankruptcy is the best option, and the right financial counselling will help make that decision. Oh, and I know it’s rare but some workplace EAPs have financial counselling so keep that in mind depending on where your friend works.

      One thing I learned is that cancelling the credit cards can cause more problems, whereas the key is to stop spending on them and pay them off without adding any more purchases. Subtleties like those are where the right service can make all the difference between success and failure in navigating the system. Thank you for wanting to help your friend with this.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Closing old accounts can cause a drop in credit score; one factor in scoring is the age of one’s oldest account.
        However, many credit card accounts can be frozen at the borrower’s request. Just keep one account unfrozen, preferably one without an outstanding balance, in case of emergency.

    10. Music With Rocks In*

      I worked with American Consumer Credit Counseling to pay off several thousands of dollars in credit card debt. It was not a fast process but they worked with me and how much I could afford to pay per month, and I finished paying everything off last year.

  16. Maid Marian*

    I have a group of 8 friends (all women in out mid 30s) who have been friends since college, so we’re all pretty tight. Most of us still live within driving distance, with a couple living a few states away. Lately, with the local friends, activity planning has fallen to one person Emily. Everyone plans things now and then but she’s been the one most regularly planning the activities, both regular hangouts and our annual girls trip. Emily has hit a point where getting responses from the group has been very difficult and she has now said she needs to take a step back from planning. I support her in doing this and have already volunteered to take over planning for our next girls trip (I’ve been bad about assisting the last few months due to a personal health problem and then a family health problem but that’s been settled that I can focus on my friends).

    Basically my question is, how do I get the rest of my friends to step up with planning stuff? Even just little things like “let’s all meet for dinner” seems hard to get people to even respond to date suggestions, let alone help plan. I know our friends enjoy the activities, they say so with genuine enthusiasm when they attend; it’s just that getting responses is such a chore without endless reminders and nudges to respond yay or nay.

    1. Science KK*

      I’ve had this issue too and I haven’t found a solution sadly. And it’s rough because you don’t want to stop hanging out but it’s unfair to dump it on one person.

      1. Organized chaos*

        I used to be that person for almost all the groups I was involved in. I learned that I would get feedback from people about dates and activities, or restaurants or whatever the case might be, then set a date, time and place and throw out the invite. Some people will come and some won’t, but I’ve never found a better way to plan events without making myself or the other is crazy.

        1. WellRed*

          And you gave to be willing to set the date and accept not everyone can make it every time.

          1. Pharmgirl*

            I think this is a really important part of it – solicit what you can for date/time/location etc, and then do it. Not everyone will come every time and that’s okay. It will even out with time.

          2. Sloanicota*

            This is it. Pick one or two people you like or who are responsive (you can rotate who), ask them when they are available, and put it out to everybody, making it clear that you don’t expect everyone to be able to make every event and that there will be more opportunities in future. Just take the pressure way down. I used to get together regularly with a group but once enough people were married with kids, it was impossible to find a time that worked for everyone.

            1. Person from the Resume*

              This is exactly it. Speak to a couple of reliable people to get agreement for a date, time, activity. Then invite everyone else. They come if they can. They lose out ensuring the date and time work for them because they’re unresponsive.

              Just accept not everyone will make it. It’s so much easier to find a workable date with only 2 or 3 people.

    2. Double A*

      Maybe rather than, “What dates work for people?” you start with, “Here are two options, anyone not able to make one of those? Respond by X date if you have a strong preference, and I’ll let you know the plan.” Then you choose whichever one seems better. Planning by committee is rough if people don’t have strong opinions. Narrow down the choices and set deadlines.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I think you need to voluntell someone to be the point person, in the moment. You’re on group chat, someone says “let’s get dinner soon,” everyone else says “great,” you say, “terrific! Emily has been planning too much and I just organized the quilting bee, so Justine, how about you plan this one. Everyone, be sure to respond to Justine right away when she suggests dates and places!” That’s a little bit exaggerated, but not much. You need to call someone out directly.

    4. Yankees fans are awesome!*

      I’d pick a date, request responses, send one reminder close to the date, and then let the chips fall where they may; perhaps all eight of you will go, or perhaps three. Sounds like everyone is busy and at this stage in life, gatherings are nice-to-haves but become increasingly difficult to accommodate no matter how much people genuinely enjoy and appreciate them.

    5. Little Miss Helpful*

      Our chavurah (friendship circle) of 8 families has an annual calendar meeting. We choose a date, event, and host for each month-ish. As it gets closer, the organizer sends out reminders, signups, whatever. Sometimes a date or activity needs to be rescheduled or falls through, but it works pretty well overall. We’ve been doing it for about 13 years.

    6. GroupScheduler*

      As the one who winds up doing all the planning if I want stuff yohappen, the answer is you can’t. Full stop. I used to have a monthly dinner and grab with a bunch of friends and I’d try to force people to schedule the next outing before we left each time because otherwise it took an exhausting amount of follow up to get things scheduled and often resulted in going 7-10 weeks between instead – but no one else ever internalized my comments about how much harder it was if I had to chase people down. I did it for years because it was my main social event of the month, but when I stopped for the pandemic I didn’t pick it back up. It took almost 2 years of someone else periodically trying to herd the cats before we held an online catch up call. I suggested scheduling the next on the call, we did, but was sick and missed it. They left it as will schedule the next one online almost 3 weeks ago and there was a single half-hearted attempt to do so without the type of concentrated, individual follow up I know will be needed to actually schedule. I refuse to do it, do we’ll see what happens.

        1. Duicounselor*

          I have used doodle polls for this purpose and they work well. You see what date more people can attend and just set the date. If no one responds, you just say “I’m not organizing this when someone else can do it. But I’m tough that way after years of organizing events.

          1. GroupScheduler*

            Glad that’s working for you. It’s the getting people to reply part that’s the problem for us – doesn’t matter what medium we use for the responses.

    7. Turtle Dove*

      As the group planner, I’m having some success with a standing monthly date. Two social groups enthusiastically said yes when I threw out the idea so that we (mostly I) wouldn’t have frustrating and time-consuming rounds of planning. It’s all pretty new, but so far, so good. We agreed it’s fine for anyone to suggest a change to the venue and time of day — and even which week we meet if done early. That came up at yesterday’s lunch, so we might shift our March lunch from the fourth Friday to the third. I’ll send out an email today. It’s been much easier on me. As the big planner in the group, I don’t mind sending out a few emails, like to remind the group on a Monday about that Friday’s lunch. But I was starting to mind a lot that we didn’t meet up unless I initiated plans and then managed numerous emails with delays from some people. I need balance and mutuality in my friendships, so that wasn’t working for me. At times I gave up planning out of frustration, but then I missed my friends. Their enthusiasm when I suggested a standing date meant a lot to me. Clearly they want to get together, but they aren’t planners like I am. I really hope this new approach has legs. I think we’ll meet up anyways when someone can’t make it, at least in the larger group.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      I agree with Turtle Dove that you need a standing, upcoming date for them to proactively avoid scheduling things on. If you wait for the hive mind to come up with a date, it won’t happen. You might have to be okay with proceeding without the whole group, and if a follow up event is also on a scheduled date, then just be okay with seeing them next time. I think it depends on how often you want to get together and on how many Yes responses you need for it to be worth doing. If you’re getting 2+ responses, then possibly make plans for those 2+ people but at something that people can attend last minute if they’re free; so drinks at a bar or picnic rather than reservation.”Okay, so me, Emily and Constance are in for payday drinks! Anyone else want to join, let me know”.

    9. Evvy*

      Speaking from the other side of the fence as someone who often has to dip or excuse myself from attending group hangs because of unpredictable energy levels and working in the evenings—if someone is making themselves difficult to plan around, it’s okay to skip them for that round of planning and circle back at the end (“We decided on May 6 at 2pm! Hopefully that works for you, if not then maybe next time?”). First of all because waiting and nudging interminably because a few people haven’t responded while everyone else’s schedule is rotting on the vine… is a lot of work for you! But also, I used to be the person who would go silent on group chats during restaurant picking or awkwardly put off submitting available dates because I honestly wasn’t sure about my schedule or how I would be able to fit it in—not because I didn’t want to see my friends or because their scheduling efforts were a burden to me! But things got a lot easier once I was able to clearly say “I’m not sure if I can come, but yall figure out what works for you and I’ll see if I’m free then!” and I suspect that a lot of people who are wishy washy on the planning front (understandably frustrating the people who would just like a timely answer, please!) are trying to kind of nonverbally telegraph a sentiment like this, without having the words to actually express it. Ymmv as some people may genuinely be shocked when the group fails to plan around them despite a total lack of communication on their end, but in those cases it’s sometimes a necessary jolt to see your friends do dinner without you a few times and finally realize the logistics of what is required from you to be able to make it to those meetups.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Drawing from my relatives who are really good at this, I want to second “May 6 at 2 pm! Hope you can make it, and if not next time.”

    10. Laggy Lu*

      We have a group text. If someone wants to plan something they throw it out into the text, and typically include a couple of dates. Here’s a recent example:

      “Hey Ladies it’s almost restaurant week! I would love to try the new place on Broad Street. Who is available for Dinner Friday or lunch on Saturday?”

      Then when there is a critical mass for one of the options, the person organizing confirms the set date and time, pings anyone who hasn’t responded, and then confirms the reservation.

      We are a very responsive group, so this works for us. Also you have to just be willing to make decisions when not everyone can participate. I think the more you do that, the more other people will need to step up if they want the schedules accommodated.

    11. Pickles*

      I’m guessing some have kids and some don’t? Once you have kids, it’s really had to get friends time. Kids with a career, kids with a less helpful spouse, single mom, no close family…
      Honestly, probably smaller get together Ms might be easier. Then you can plan a dinner with 3 or 4 it’s way easier.

      1. Maid Marian*

        Surprisingly it’s the planner Emily who is the only one with a kid, almost 3 yrs old now. I think it started with us trying to plan around her so she could still join us that it slowly became “Emily will plan stuff so we know the plans fit around her baby schedule”. Obviously it wasn’t intentional but I realized thinking about it last night that when we’d talked about seeing a movie a few months ago, we all said “Emily, you let us know what works for you with your kid’s schedule” which led her her just planning the outting. So now that I’m aware of it, I’ll be more on top of not letting that happen.

    12. FanciestCat*

      I used to be a Meetup organizer, and this is my advice for organizing events for unresponsive or flaky people:

      For regular hangouts, you’ll save yourself a lot of stress if you only plan events where the number of people doesn’t matter. For food, this means picking counter serve places with a lot of seating for groups like taquerias, breweries, or food truck pods. Avoid reservations. For events, that’s picking free things or ones where you can buy a ticket on entry. Make potlucks snack potlucks and set them between or after mealtimes so you’re not relying on getting a complete meal. Basically you want plans where it doesn’t matter if two people show up or 10, the activity can still be done and no one is out money. For planning. announce the activity to the chat and ask for time suggestions by a deadline. when the deadline passes, make a decision based on the people who responded and stick with it. Don’t bother chasing down people who haven’t responded, if they show up they show up and it won’t be a big deal because you picked flexible hang out options.

      Overnight trips are harder, but you can use the deadline and flexible principles here too. Try to pick places to stay and things to do that won’t require someone to pay or reserve for the whole group in advance, or that have flexible cancelation policies.

      When most of your events are flexible and casual, you won’t be so burned out if you do sometimes try to organize things with more coordination occasionally, like concerts.

  17. Wilde*

    Kia ora,
    My husband is travelling to Italy soon and I would like him to buy me some clothes that we can’t get here in NZ. Can anyone recommend so good quality stores (chain or local) for us to investigate? He’ll be in Tuscany and Rome, and also flying through Dubai.

    1. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I like the brand Falconeri for wool and cashmere, if that’s something you might like. Though it’s expensive (I only ever bought from them during sales) and the designs I’ve seen this year were less my style they were years ago.

      Rinascente is a large, high-end(ish) department store that I believe is in Rome (not sure about Tuscany). Mentioning it as it has a variety of brands and my mother, who is notoriously hard to please, always finds something there.

      Not sure what brands are available in NZ and what your budget is, but in Rome, a walk through Via del Corso and the side streets that lead to Piazza di Spagna will uncover many European / Italian brands from household names to luxury.

      1. Wilde*

        Thanks! We have Zara and H&M here, I think our budget would be the level above them.

        Wool and cashmere are amazing! Unfortunately we have small kids and high maintenance fabrics are not compatible with life right now.

    2. Worried for you all*

      For everyday things, you might want to send him to Uniqlo (non-Italian brand), if you don’t have that! Check out their website.

      They are not in my country, and I am very pleased with the corduroy trousers and skirt I got from their Rome store :)

    3. DistantAudacity*

      I got a lovely jumper from Le Tartarughe, a small local shop on Via del Piè di Marmo, 17, 00186 Roma. They had other great things as well :) If you look them up on Google maps, there are pictures from the shop.

      Also – don’t forget to get your husband to kit himself out: men’s fashion and options are terrific! A lot of places (including Uniqlo!) do tailoring services, so depending on his travel plans he might like to be able to shop early, and go back and pick up hemmed trousers or adjusted shirts or whatever.

  18. RC*

    I switched to predominantly camis with shelf bras … let’s be honest, before the pandemic (yay 30s, yay not caring anymore!) but most of the ones I have are getting pretty tired. And in the meantime it seems like everything is now fast fashion poly blends, ugh. Anyone have any recs? I’m looking for 100% cotton, with a (not padded or shaped) shelf bra, preferably longer and narrower as a shirt cut and adjustable straps, and interesting but not super wild colors (my last ones were aqua, maroon, dark blue, etc). And also I’m not going to buy anything through the Evil Empire anymore (and I’m cool paying more for ethical and sustainable manufacturing because *gestures widely*). Does this exist anywhere? Figured it’s worth an ask!

    1. Double A*

      Maybe check out Pact? I have one of their bralettes and I like it pretty well. It looks like they have a camisole like you’re describing and it’s organic cotton. It can be spendy but they also have deals; looks like you can get 3 for $63 right now.

      1. RC*

        Good tip, thanks! I am somewhat irked that all of their models seem to be pulling their camis up instead of just letting me see how it sits on your dang hips— I kind of have a thing about clothing gaps and so if it’s too short I’m not going to like it. But I guess if they allow returns?

        1. Bluebell Brenham*

          Pact does allow returns. I ordered a bunch of stuff from them about 2 years ago, but only kept 1-2 things. Unfortunately the leggings I kept have annoyed me more as time goes by. They definitely slip down.

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      I LOVE the camis from Duluth Trading Company. They are cotton/spandex, but the bit of stretch is nice. They tend to be very long on me – I am 5’3”. They have both shelf camis and shelf tanks. (I also wear the built in bra cup version when I need something with more support.
      I’ve tried the Pact ones too, they were narrower in cut and the straps were skinnier.

          1. RC*

            Thanks! I think Duluth came up the last time I tried to figure this out but there aren’t any near us so I was paralyzed by indecision… but it’s good to know that others have good experiences with them.

    4. Mystere*

      Nettles Tale Boutique out of Vancouver BC might have something.

      Ureshii Design from PEI Canada has natural fabrics, made to order and measure clothing. They will save your measurements and adjust clothing based on request. And they ship outside Canada.

    5. Percy Weasley*

      Seconding (thirding?) both Pact & Duluth Trading. Love the products and have had excellent service from Pact when an item failed once

  19. StudentA*

    What’s your favorite comedy show based on how funny it is (as opposed to, like, you like the characters or overall storyline or whatever)? And would you generally recommend it? Is it a show we can find and watch (as opposed to for example, it was funny or understood within a certain time in history, say).

    1. Yankees fans are awesome!*

      “Frasier,” mostly its first five seasons. No question. Not a fan of the re-boot.

      Also, “Police Squad.” Similarly, the first six seasons of “Roseanne,” although I loath Barr herself.

      “Rhoda.”

      1. Love me, love my cat*

        The “Three Valentines” episode of Frasier, where Nils is ironing his pants, is about as funny as it gets. I’m not even a big fan of that type of humor (kinda slapstick-y), but it was hysterical. Kudos to David Hyde Pierce!

    2. I didn't say banana*

      The Good Place. I actually didn’t like the plot all that much after season 1 but the jokes and how well they are delivered make the show hilarious. To the extent that I don’t read on my phone while re-watching it because I miss too many good lines. It’s on Netflix in my country so it’s easily available.

      Fair warning, I cried for hours after the finale though.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I loved it so much! And same, re the finale.
        I also liked Community a lot. Binged them both during the pandemic.

    3. Vio*

      Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss (both by the same writer and set in the same universe) are hilarious black comedy musicals, the songs are especially funny and catchy. Hazbin is on Amazon Prime but Helluva is free on youtube
      Also another vote for the Good Place.

    4. Helvetica*

      I’ve watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine twice and the second time around, found it just as funny as the first time.
      I also think Parks&Rec holds up really well, and has a good blend of humorous and weird (the townspeople are their own thing).

    5. fallingleavesofnovember*

      We love Derry Girls and Schitt’s Creek and can find appropriate moments to quote both back to each other. Definitely use subtitles for Derry Girls! The first season of Schitt’s Creek doesn’t always pull people in – but if you stick with it, it becomes very moving and then the first seasons are funnier on rewatch because you know the growth that the characters go through.

    6. Meow*

      Utopia the Australian show about a fictional government department is solidly the funniest show I’ve ever seen, a lot of it might be lost to non Australians (or Australians who never worked in governments).

      Otherwise, the UK show Getting On is incredible.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Oh, and Absolutely Fabulous! So nineties, darling sweetie darling. I love that women are the leads and complete drunken hedonists with no self awareness.

          1. Yankees fans are awesome!*

            Yep! Cheers, sweetie darling! :D

            Also, I love “drunken hedonists” – would make a good band name lol.

    8. Inky Fingers*

      Ghosts! The *dead* characters from a slew of past times are what makes it a lot of fun.

    9. Pieforbreakfast*

      AP Bio- ensemble comedy about the worst teacher with the smartest kids. On Peacock and Netflix.

    10. Forensic13*

      Arrested development! It’s on Netflix right now. Most of the jokes still hold up pretty well, though there are a couple early 2000s jokes that are a little iffy now. The plots themselves tend to be the vehicles for the jokes, but what it’s extra amazing at are the running jokes.

      This is the first three seasons, incidentally. I didn’t like the fourth season and didn’t even watch the fifth, but I’ve heard it’s not beloved.

      1. RC*

        So many running jokes, layers on layers. And when there was that loose baby seal in the news recently (not that I’m reading much news these days), someone referenced “loose seal” as pop culture and I understood that reference. Jessica Walter was a national treasure.

    11. Other Meredith*

      Community is my absolute favorite for the first 3 seasons. Season 4 is a bit rough, then 5 is hilarious again, and 6 is a mixed bag. But I’d definitely recommend the first 3 seasons if nothing else.

    12. Alex*

      I thought the early seasons of Black-ish were hilarious. I first watched it on an airplane and struggled to keep quiet. The N-word one really got me. I could watch Miles Brown do his dance to “Gold digger” all day long. (and then his amazing twin, going “should have gone with the radio edit”….lol!) Later it got a bit serious (like the marital problems? what was that???) and I didn’t enjoy it as much.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        I also liked it at first, and stopped watching it when it got serious. I wish they hadn’t tried to be all Norman Lear, because originally it was great. And so nice to see a happy functioning marriage. Until.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Mystery Science Theater 3000. It’s one of those shows that looking back, you can’t believe ever got made, let alone lasted ten years!

      For shorter form stuff, I currently love Bob’s Burgers, but a lot of the humor does arise from the personalities as opposed to pure setup/gags.

      Both are easily locatable on multiple platforms, and I own pretty much all the DVDS for MST!

    15. fhqwhgads*

      Miranda. Made me laugh out loud so much I wheezed. Literally had to start using my inhaler before watching an episode.

    16. Dark Macadamia*

      Another vote for Good Place and Schitt’s Creek. They both have this kind of wholesome group dynamic where people make fun of each other but it never feels mean or offensive. The humor feels “safe” in the sense that you never worry they’re going to start punching down. Good cast of characters that are all relatable and/or hilarious in their own ways.

    17. Jay*

      Seconding Mystery Science Theater (and it’s successor shows Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic) and Police Squad!. If you’ve heard of The Naked Gun movies, they are based on the Police Squad! show.
      I would also like to add Monty Python’s Flying Circus to the list.
      Also Red Dwarf and 30 Rock.
      The Red Green Show is worth a watch.
      Kids In The Hall is a classic.
      I always though The Critic was pretty awesome.

      1. RC*

        The ending credits of Police Squad are lol all on their own (people have put them on YouTube as a compilation).

        30 Rock: “cheese stew what was I thinking??”

    18. DJ Abbott*

      I have trouble separating liking the characters from being funny. With that in mind, these are my favorites for both.

      The Dick Van Dyke show
      The Fresh Prince of Bel-air
      Hot in Cleveland
      The Nanny
      Melissa and Joey
      The Steve Harvey show (from the 90s where he plays a teacher)

      I might think of more later… :)

  20. Honoria Lucasta*

    Any advice for doing Mardi gras in New Orleans? I’m going with some friends to the Endymion parade on Saturday and I don’t know what to expect. I’ve already been surprised by the instructions to bring a tote bag! I do plan to wear comfortable shoes. I will not be flashing anybody.

    1. Nola*

      Happy Mardi Gras!

      Are you camping out on the neutral ground or going to a house party? I’m going to assume camping.

      1. Scope out the bathroom situation early. The City provides a decent amount of port-a-potties on the Endymion route but it’s a long day and there’s a lot of drinking so there may not be any toilet paper left by the time the parade stops rolling at 7/8/9/10 depending where you are. A roll of toilet paper and a supply of wet naps for the group makes everything nicer.

      2. Might be a little late to find one now but a cell phone lanyard. Port a potties don’t have lights and they are dark after, well, dark. Use the light on your cell phone to see. A lanyard keeps the light handy but your hands free.
      (These tips are for those who sit when they pee, if you’re a standee, not as big a deal but still nice to know.)

      3. The bag is for your throws. Beads, plastic cups, plushies, etc. Endymion riders are usually pretty generous with their throws. You may think you’re not going to care about beads or cups but once the parade starts rolling and you’re caught up in the magic of the moment, you’ll want to keep some of them.

      3a. Stay alert! A bag of beads to the face hurts. Pay attention, keep your arms up when the floats are rolling past, and be prepared to grab whatever is flying at your head.

      4. Bring a couple of dollars for the flambeaux carriers. They’re the ones early in the parade carrying the torches and gas cans. In the old days they used to light up the parade path and people paid them for their service. Obviously they no longer light the path but the tradition remains.

      5. Be prepared for a long day. Endymion starts at 4:15 but you’re probably getting to your spot at noon. There will be delays. Endymion has some hugh multi sectioned floats and they can’t make the turns from Orleans to Carrollton to Canal without considerable effort. Pontchartrain Beach has to be disassembled, I think? So there are several stops during the parade. Depending on where you are the parade is not going to finish until at 8/9/10. Plan for that. Lots of food, snacks, drinks (non-alcoholic too!).

      6. Have fun! Mardi Gras is truly an amazing event andEndymion has some of the best floats. If you’ve never seen a Mardi Gras type parade before, you will be amazed.

      Hail Endymion!

    2. WFH4VR*

      As a Tulane graduate, a few pointers. Bring an extra pair of dry socks. You will be on your feet for hours and hours, and being able to change into clean, dry socks about halfway through is a game-changer. Be RESPECTFUL TO THE COPS. The only answer to a NOLA PD is “Yes sir/maam, right away” and follow their directions immediately. Manage your alcohol consumption responsibly (ie, one drink, then two waters, etc.) Do not attempt to climb over the street barriers as a shortcut; they are there for a reason. Use an over-the-neck wallet and keep it under your shirt; nothing in front or back pockets. Mardi Gras is fantastic, a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Enjoy it and stay safe!

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Eat something! Since the focus tends to be lots o’ drinks, you don’t want to get too blasted too quick.

      Make sure you and your friends stay together/have a group text to find each other. Probably a good idea to have a Sober Buddy as well.

      Make sure everybody has a physical, paper map showing how to find your hotel/Air BnB.

    4. FACS*

      You might want to look for the Episcopal church near the Quarter that sells strawberry daiquiri. Older child sent me a pic last year. He was down for an LlM at Tulane and one of his professors sold it to him!

    5. Honoria Lucasta*

      thanks for the tips! had a great time, gathered a bunch of stuff, and nobody got lost.

  21. Beth**

    Now that Skype is being discontinued, any suggestions for VoIP services that:
    1. can be used to dial landlines
    2. are pay per minute (I don’t use it enough to make any subscription worthwhile)
    3. are available in the UK

    Google has been singularity useless. It keeps recommending things like WhatsApp that don’t do what I need.

    1. BellStell*

      Thanks for this. In Sept 2024 I renewed a year subscription as many family do not use whatsapp etc and I am in Europe they are not. Am so disappointed. Need to find out if I can get a refund. And do not know what else to use either.

    2. Weegie*

      Not quite what you’re looking for, but might 18185 be any good for some of what you want to do? It is available in the UK, has an option that doesn’t involve having a BT landline, you pay by the minute and can call landlines.

    3. Observer*

      If you have a Google Workspace account, Google Voice might actually do what you want.

      Also, I know that MS Teams has the functionality you want, but I don’t know the cost structure or limitations in the UK.

  22. I didn't say banana*

    People who work in TV/film (or others with educated guesses), how do you approach someone for a role that is insulting? For example, I watched an episode of 30 Rock where the main character accidentally mistakes Peter Dinklage for a child and then dates him to cover the awkwardness, but keeps accidentally treating him like a child. Or on House when a kid was bullied fot being overweight so they had to cast an overweight teen. How do you cast someone that you’re going to make fun of? What do you say?

    1. Pharmgirl*

      I think there are casting calls? So you would just have a casting call for “overweight teenager needed” and actors who think they fit the bill will audition. So you’re not approaching them, you’re letting them come to you. I assume if shows don’t get enough/the right auditions, they may have to tweak the story/character. I’m not in the film industry at all though so I don’t know how accurate this is.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      I know that when Todd Soldonz made Welcome to the Dollhouse, an independent film, back in 1995, he made a point of closely interviewing his potential lead actresses. The main character is a preteen girl whose entire life is one of being constantly harassed and dumped on, so he wanted to make sure that the person he cast wasn’t going through anything similar in their actual life. He didn’t want somebody who was already dealing with bullying to have to be tortured on a film set.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      This is actually why I have come around to questioning the ethics of consuming entertainment that uses child actors at all. There are so many really awful examples of how damaging that profession is to kids. And when I think of kids I’ve known and loved being put in that life, it feels really unsafe. I can’t imagine any regular child not being damaged by it— the power imbalances, the social confusion, the toxic potential during identity formation— all the mental health risks.
      I know I’m in the minority on this, though!

      1. RC*

        A Crazy Ex-Girlfriend song that’s grown on me is “I want to be a child star” (they’re all on Youtube). Given the storyline of that episode, I’ve gotta think the scene on set was ethical?

    4. RagingADHD*

      As a former actor and producer, you just put the call out with a fair description and people audition. If they get to final casting and have an opportunity to read the script, they can raise any qualms they might have, or opt out.

      I also think you are kind of missing the way many roles like that function within the story. Characters who are treated badly usually evoke sympathy, highlight unfairness, show a villain’s villany, or have a comic reversal where they wind up winning.

      Actors want to act, and they want interesting parts. Writers and producers want to make things entertaining. It is a cooperative effort.

      A character who is bullied for being overweight is a lot more interesting (and career building) role than playing somebody’s hot girlfriend who is basically set decoration.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        I always assumed it was like this, that actors are able to separate their character from themselves.
        A good example I know of is the characters Mel and Buddy on the Dick Van Dyke show. Buddy was always teasing/torturing Mel for being bald or fat. (he wasn’t actually overweight, maybe a few pounds more than necessary.)
        In real life the actors who played these characters were best friends, and they used to go to lunch together and write more insults for Buddy to say to Mel. :)

  23. Vio*

    Just a quick thanks for the people who replied to my post last week about financial advice. I didn’t get a chance to reply but I read and appreciated them all.

  24. Anima*

    So I’ve read my old diaries from 10-13 years back and wowoza, I wasn’t a good person back then! Very self absorbed, and so clueless, that I hurt some people.
    I came out of the bad ending of an abusive marriage, and my self esteem was so low, I just didn’t comprehend that people could like me just for being me. At the same time I was so pre-occupied with myself I did not take other people’s feeling into account *at all*. Just stomping around and making chaos and drama all around me. I lost some very important friendships, but also gained some that continued until this day.
    Now, a good decade later, I sit with that and wonder how I can come to terms with that. Did any of you have a growing journey and how did you handle looking back and not liking your past self at all? I kind want to apologise to some people, but I feel it’s water under the bridge now.

    1. Anima*

      I also feel I have trouble making and keeping friendship with women because of my past behaviour, because they stay away from the drama that followed me. I’ve been drama free since seven years now. Most of my close friends are male, which is a red flag I can see now (I’m female).

      1. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

        BTW, that’s not a red flag to me. I have few close friends and they skew heavily male but that’s just how friendships work in my area (male dominated). I have precisely one female close friend.

        A sanity saving tip: don’t audit your friends! I know it’s drummed into us that there’s something wrong with you if you are a woman and don’t have a load of female friends but it’s not really true.

      2. Angstrom*

        Curious as to why you think that’s a red flag? I’ve known a few women who got along better with male friends, just as some men are more comfortable with women as friends.

        1. Anima*

          Well, regarding both your replies: I’m in a city with 60-65% male population (due to several tech unis), maybe it’s just statistics. :D
          I am happy with my guy friends, but still, I sometimes would like a close female friend to talk about, well women’s stuff. I had that once and I miss it. Basically, I miss my best friend.

          1. Sloanicota*

            I will back you here OP, I love and treasure having both male and female friends, and just for me personally if I ever noticed I ONLY had one or the other I would see that as a red flag (for me). I get different things out of these friendships. It’s not universal of course, just something I’ve noted for myself.

    2. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      Oh mate, I know EXACTLY what you mean. Old Keymaster was a horrible hateful person who routinely hurt others. I’ve mentioned it often.

      There’s no fix, only a load of mitigation. I’ve learnt to accept that she is me, my darker side, and a side that can come out under periods of stress. So in keeping a close eye on myself to make sure I never do it again is the best apology I can give to the world. I’ve also never tried to contact the people I hurt.

      When I tried to minimise it, say it wasn’t me, that I’m not that person anymore it actually harmed me. Granted, I have very low self esteem and regularly hate myself anyway.

      A lot, and I mean a LOT of therapy and life experience has got me to this point where I can function and make a concerted effect to carry on giving better to others.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, I don’t think I’m a crap person, but I have one or two particular hangups than can cause me to react in a characteristic (negative) way. Realizing my patterns helped me see when The Thing was happening and head it off by choosing a different response this time. In my case, it’s mostly a) not expressing my own needs and b) assuming I can intuit the other person’s needs. thus leading me to become increasingly resentful and eventually b*tchy, but never bringing it up so the other person was very unprepared when it all boiled over.

      2. DJ Abbott*

        Keymaster, I’ve known you here at AAM and always liked you. I don’t see any reason you should have low self-esteem. You seem to be very successful in your field, and have dealt with challenges most of us don’t have.
        Surviving abuse and not letting it make you into a monster is an accomplishment IMO. Successfully dealing with the other things you have mentioned is awesome!

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Seconding these comments. Keymaster, I routinely make a point of reading your posts because of your thoughtfulness and helpful perspective.

    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      When I was in university, two of my closest friends that I’d come up with through elementary and high school sat me down and basically told me all the ways I was failing as a friend. It was very painful, as I had been mostly oblivious to how they were feeling. I reflected deeply on what they said, and some of it was true…it changed how I interacted in subsequently friendships and I think made me a better friend generally, but also made me much more self-conscious in my friendships. It’s taken a long time to recognize the impact that conversation had on me and to try and be more vulnerable in my relationships now, without losing sight of the true elements of their critique – I’m still trying to get it right really.

      I think I can have compassion on my past self for being young and stupid (about a lot of things) and understanding the reasons I was that way. But even right when it happened, I decided to focus on people who genuinely seemed to like me back already, rather than those I’d have to work to “prove” how I had changed and convince them I could be the type of friend they wanted.
      All that to say, while I think it’s probably better to focus on new relationships, I think you could reach out to a couple of people who you really valued and see if they wanted to reconnect – I would keep any apology very light, maybe just an acknowledgement that you had been dealing with a lot at the time and having come out of it now, wanted to reach out because you had cared about the friendship. I think if you would need to make an apology stronger than that, I wouldn’t reach out.

    4. ReallyBadPerson*

      As you may be able to tell from my name, I have had a similar journey. I was a really awful human in my youth. Part of it was likely due to my neurodivergency (I just didn’t grasp social norms easily), but the larger part was because of my selfishness. I have experienced some healing due to my faith, and due to increasing self-awareness and maturity. It has taken decades. There are some relationships I will never be able to mend because we’ve all moved on, so I’ve focused on being a good friend to the people in my life now. I actually put in my calendar to reach out to people and to pray for them when appropriate. If you are still living in the area where you were unkind, and you see the people you may have hurt, the best apology might be a changed life. One of my brothers, who is a recovering addict, makes amends by showing, not telling, who he is now. This is how I try to live.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I kind of land with your last sentence. If I reach out to someone I haven’t talked to in 20 years to apologize for something stupid I did, that was bad enough that it ended our friendship, even if the apology would be well intended, what would the outcome be? I’m happy in my life as it is, so I don’t necessarily need to try to rekindle the friendships, and I have no reason to believe that would happen even if I did want it because I was a jerk and why should they care what I have to say now – we’ve all moved on so why bring it up again.

    6. not spring yet*

      I’ve been on the receiving end of such an apology, after about 20 years. I did appreciate it. People whom you’ve hurt will remember that, and they probably cared a little bit about you, so it gives a bit of good feeling to know that you’ve grown and are in a better place.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        If it was me, I would appreciate that they cared enough to reach out. I might be wary of continuing a friendship, but I would appreciate the thought.

    7. Time for Yoga*

      Yeah, in my younger days I was a bit of a jerk a few times to someone I was dating and I am unhappy with past me for that. I am happily married now, and I’m not going to try to connect with old flames at this point (because even if I hadn’t acted that way, I still don’t want to connect to any of my past romances!). I try to pass on lessons to others (like when one of the kids wanted to break up with his girlfriend and we talked about how best to do that) and pay kindness forward.

    8. Appreciation*

      I’m probably going to phrase this clumsily, but OMG, I really admire you for owning up to your past behavior. THAT is a sign of growth, self-awareness, and maturity. So often these threads call out others’ behavior, as if they, themselves, never been thoughtless or hurt others at some point. When I think of younger me, and even current me, I’m so grateful for the grace that’s been shown to me when I’ve gone through hard stuff, been self-absorbed, and was probably insufferable in my own unique way. I’ve lost friends, I’ve gained friends, and I just try to remind myself that we’re all humans feeling our way through our lives — often in the dark. All of us. It makes me think of that quote that’s (mis?) attributed to Maya Angelou: When you know better, you do better. The fact that you are reading your journals, seeing things now you couldn’t have seen them, holding yourself accountable for that, and humbly and thoughtfully asking what to do about it … that alone is growth. That is already worth something.

    9. tiredlibrarian*

      One, good for you for the self-awareness and reflection! That’s awesome. I’m answering your question from the opposite way – I had a close friend through college and a little bit beyond, with whom I consciously decided to end the friendship because she was so self-absorbed. If she were to reach out to me today apologizing, that would be something I’d value very much and be open to rekindling the friendship.

      It may well be water under the bridge, but thought I’d toss in that perspective.

    10. Ontariariario*

      I’m agreeing with those who think it could be nice to reach out to them and just give a short note. I wouldn’t do it if you want to restart the friendship because I don’t think that would happen. I’ve had friends who were self-absorbed and I broke off the friendship yet I liked them enough to be friends with them for years so if they sent me a note saying that they are happy now and wished that they had been a better friend at the time and hope that I’m doing well then that would make me happy. It probably depends on how things ended, so if there was a lot of negativity at the end then maybe it’s best to leave it and not bring up the past. The most important thing if you do write them is to acknowledge that things were bad and that you’ve changed to where you don’t like that old person, and what I think is most important about your comment is that you appreciated those people in hindsight because they liked you for being you. Only you can decide if that’s worth telling them now, and maybe it’s worth telling one but not another so it really depends on each one.

    11. Frango Mint*

      In my teens and 20’s, I was dealing with untreated depression and anxiety which made me overreact to perceived rejections. I created a lot of unnecessary drama and was exhausting to be with . Once I got on prescription medication I became much more rational and calmer.

      I look back at those cringe worthy behaviors and make myself cut me a little slack. I am also more patient with younger people who act out impulsively, although I am good at establishing my boundaries. I haven’t contacted former friends because I want to live more in the present moment, although if I ran into someone I might apologize. I just try to be a better person now.

    12. Sloanicota*

      Well, when I reread my diaries I especially don’t come off well, but I only write in them when I’m upset or processing things, so I don’t write much during the many months when things are good and I’m happy and well functioning (and not being a jerk to anyone!). But rereading them has helped me numerous times, mostly by making me realize the Thing I’m Obsessing About Now is also something I was obsessing over before, and yet nothing came of it, so it’s probably fine to let it go.

      1. Jeneral*

        I agree with this. I mainly write in my journal to process and more often when upset so it would definitely skew more self centered and selfish than I actually am on rereading.

      2. Anima*

        I actually do write when I’m happy, because I want to preserve the good for reading when it’s bad, you know. I do that much more now but also had glimpses of that back then, so not all my entries were me being upset.

    13. Anima*

      Thank you all for your kind insights! I think showing that I changed works for me. My past behaviour wasn’t great, but I learned, grew, and can do better moving forward. That is very reassuring!

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      I had a very abusive childhood and was then not a very nice person for quite a while.
      Through a ton of work, I’m actually, I think, pretty kind and am a good parent and spouse and have learned how to be a good friend. Most people I know are so very different than the people they were 10, 20, 40 years ago. I feel like I’ve been evolving constantly throughout my life. I try not to look back too much and just live in the present and plan for the future, otherwise I could beat myself up all day long about my jerky past self and what good would that do?

    15. DJ Abbott*

      I’d like to suggest that everyone on this thread watch the TNG episode Tapestry if you haven’t already.
      It’s the one where Captain Picard‘s artificial heart blows up, and he’s regretting the bar fight he got into where he was stabbed in the heart and feels that he had been a stupid, clueless idiot.
      Q comes and shows him that the man he is currently would not have been possible without him being the way he was when he was young. The confidence and drive that led to the bar fight have also led to him being a successful person.
      This episode was a big help to me. I always regretted being angry when I was young and driving people away. This episode made me realize that anger also kept me safe from predators, because I would get angry when they tried to manipulate me and chase them away. It also provided the drive to get out of my abusive environment and move to a new place where I have a better life.
      I think we all need to realize that who we were when we were young is an important part of our whole selves, and had benefits we can’t necessarily see. :’)

  25. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    Car recommendations! I need to replace mine because I’ve finally admitted it’s on its last legs and is costing a ridiculous amount to keep running. I also need to move to an automatic (I’ve only driven manuals) due to left knee disintegrated.

    UK. Needs to be a small city car and not have hard suspension. I’ve owned a Ford Fiesta and a Suzuki Swift from new to give you the idea of price range/type of car.

    1. BlueCactus*

      Everyone I know who has a Toyota has had them for >10 years and is very happy. I have a 2015 Toyota Rav4 (SUV because I need to move a large instrument around on a semi-regular basis), and it’s a fantastic car that just goes. and goes. and goes. 10 years and I’ve never had it break down, need to go in to the garage except for regular oil changes, fluid flushes, and tire rotations, or even had a dashboard maintenance light go on. My parents had a Toyota Corolla for almost 20 years and put 175,000 miles on it, and they would probably still have it except someone rear-ended my dad and the damage was enough to not make it worth the cost of body repair (he was totally fine, fortunately). They replaced it with another Toyota (electric hybrid) which they love. I’ve had two mechanics tell me that they love working on Toyotas because they’re so well made.

      1. Cordelia*

        Toyota aygo? My uncle is a mechanic and car fan and that’s what he recommended my sister, and she’s v happy with it

        1. LarryforPM*

          Is that the smallest one in the range? They’re great city cars, but not nice in the motorway, feel flimsy and lack power. I drove a hired one for a couple of long journeys, it was like a lawnmower engine in a biscuit tin on the M6

      2. allx*

        Seconding Toyotas as unstoppable. My husband has a 2000 Toyota 4WD Tacoma pick up (old 2-door extended cab version) that currently has 338,000 miles on it. It’s manual transmission and has had to have the clutch replaced twice so far, and getting ready for the third time, but otherwise just some regular maintenance work/repairs. I wish he would get a new toyota truck, but he likes the style of his old one and the new ones don’t look the same.

      3. Buni*

        The Yaris hybrid is good – it depends on the kind of driving you do (country vs. town) but they’re sturdy and reliable.

      4. Sara K*

        Another rec for Toyota. I’ve had several in my driving life (currently driving a Corolla hybrid) and they are reliable, reasonably priced and basically what you see is what you get.

    2. Zona the Great*

      Def agree with Toyota and also Honda. They’re the best on the road and have been for at least 20 years. These cars hold their value the longest and are the most reliable.

      1. Clara Bowe*

        +1 I know they discontinued the Fit in the US, but if it is available in the UK, do recommend. The storage space in it is bonkers. That said, make sure to test the seat for a distance because I had to use a bolster to get it to not hurt my back on trips longer than 10 minutes.

          1. Isobel*

            I’m on my third Jazz now (technically this one is a Fit, I’m in NZ and it’s a Japanese import). Super reliable and the boot space is amazing.

          2. Chaordic One*

            When they were sold in the U.S. they were generally highly thought of and well-liked. They were indeed surprisingly roomy for being such a comparatively small car. The biggest complaints against them were that they were a bit noisy at Interstate highway speeds and that they didn’t get especially good gas mileage considering their side. The gas mileage was certainly decent, but not a lot better than that of the larger-sized Honda Civic.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Weird – I have the back pain within ten minutes issue if I’m in a Toyota (and I’ve tried several models over the years), so I’ve driven Hondas for 15 of the last 20 years and never had an issue! (Conclusion: do a reasonable test drive, not just around the block!)

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      Is an EV feasible for you? The Chevy Bolt is a great size if so, but I don’t know what pricing is like on your side of the pond (we’re in the US); the ride might also be a bit harder than you prefer. We now have a Bolt EUV which is a touch longer and more comfy. When we’ve hired petrol cars in the UK, we’ve liked the small Peugeots and Renaults, so maybe something like the Peugeot 208 would suit? Sympathies on the transition to automatic, we’ve just done that and it’s gone better than we expected. But there’s still nothing quite like the sensation of a perfectly timed downshift on a winding mountain road…

      1. wormentude*

        I know a lot who like Kia for EVs over here. Worth a look and all EVs or plug-in hybrid cars are automatic.

    4. HannahS*

      I grew up driving Toyotas and loved them. We now have a Hyundai Elantra and I’m pretty pleased with it. Easy to drive, pretty smooth, reasonable for city driving (obviously not as small as a fiat or VW bug)

    5. Mutually Supportive*

      The recent Which? report for small cars has Mazda 2 hybrid and Honda Jazz as their Best Buys (for new cars). Toyota Yaris hybrid is just behind those on the score chart.

      1. OxfordBlue*

        I was also going to point out that recent Which report and say that it includes a section to help you decide whether to choose an EV or not as well. You can’t see the full report without a membership but you may find that your County Library service has a subscription you can access.
        The other place you could ask is on the motoring board of the Money Saving Expert forum which has some really knowledgeable posters as well as lots of people with your exact needs who can comment on their experiences.

  26. Firebird*

    My online peer support group uses Skype for group video calls. Since it’s going away, we need to replace it with something free that will allow 2 hour meetings. The ability to create breakout rooms would be great, but not required.

    Because of anonymity issues we can’t use a member’s private service and we don’t collect money, so we can’t pay for a service.

    Just a side note, we have already doubled in size since the election and we really want to keep the group going.
    Any suggestions are welcome.

    1. KeinName*

      Jitsi is one we used, but you have to try for yourself if it’s workable for you. Check out riseup tools in general (anonymous invitation based email accounts, pads, etc)

      1. Mari*

        you should be able to make separate voice/video channels that would function as breakout rooms.

  27. Hypatia*

    Thanks to all who recommended novels , mostly related to WWII , a while ago. My homeschooler enjoyed the ones I eventually picked- Boys in the Boat, All the Light We Cannot See, Hiroshima, Maus- and The Diary of Anne Frank is next. Now I’m thinking he could use something a bit more lighthearted after we’re done with that. (Eventually we’ll hit Macbeth – not known as a fluffy read.) Any suggestions for a fun novel, classic or modern, without too much romance? He’s done most of the standard high school readings, so sonething a little unusual would be great. ( And he doesn’t like Terry Pratchett very much.)

    1. Mystere*

      The Tunnel and The Wooden Horse by Eric Collins are WWII novelizations of true escapes from POW camp. They are more hopeful and have lighthearted moments.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      How about time travel science fiction? There’s a Connie Willis short story called “Firewatch” in which a future person goes back to WWII. Follow it up with the whimsical “To say nothing of the dog” (Mostly Victorian, some WWII, a small bit medieval).

      Be aware that the other books in the series get darker.

      1. Hypatia*

        Fun in general. I don’t want him to remember this homeschooling as all gloom and doom.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Oh! Thrn I’ll add Jerome K. Jerome “3 Men in a Boat” to my Connie Willis suggestion– it’s the Victorian memoir that she references in ” To say nothing of the dog”.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            And I suggest her novel Bellwether, which is a fantastic story focusing on science, trends, thinking outside the box even about “bad” habits, and chocolate cheesecake.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Does he like science fiction? The Worldwar series by Harry Turtledove (starting with In The Balance) involves an alien invasion in the middle of WWII, and features well-researched historical figures/locations, but also, you know, alien invasion.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      It can be enlightening to revisit a childhood classic (Alice in Wonderland, the Phantom Tollbooth). Where he knows the story, but there are layers he did not grok at six.

      The Westing Game, or the one recommended to all who loved that, Tuesday Mooney Talks to Ghosts. The second has some very minor romance.

      I’ll add John Scalzi’s Starter Villain, which combines working to stop annoying billionaires with sentient cats who type. Which is really funny, while asking “If these billionaires are so rich, why can’t any of them afford to cover lunch?”

    6. Dr. Gurathin*

      For fun novels, it’s hard to beat P.G. Wodehouse’s Jeeves and/or Blandings Castle novels. Although I would steer clear of Thank You, Jeeves for its racist content (casual use of n-word and 2 characters spend a large portion of time in blackface).

      I have really enjoyed the Richard Hannay series by John Buchan. We all think we know the plot of The Thirty-Nine Steps because of the movie, but it turns out that Hitchcock took a *lot* of liberties with the plot. I actually found these through their audiobook versions at LibriVox and was surprised at how much I enjoyed them. It may be hard to find these in print, but the first 4 in the series are now public domain, so they should be available for free as ebooks through Project Gutenberg and Standard Ebook and the aforementioned audiobooks through LibriVox.

      1. Peter*

        Similar to 39 Steps is Rogue Male by Household.
        There is a bit of sex ( a formative quote is something like “the hair that wasn’t on her head” ) but it’s a thriller that might lead into the WWII conversation.

    7. Pieforbreakfast*

      Black Swan Green by David Mitchell- funny yet moving year-in-the-life of a 13 year old boy in England.

      Christopher Moore books- I’m particular to Lamb and A Dirty Job but have not been disappointed in any I’ve read.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        The Adrian Mole Diaries are also a fun slice of life of a British kid read; they go to his adult life, but the first two focus on his teen years.

    8. MJ*

      Has he tried the alternate-history Ring of Fire series (AKA 1632 series) by Eric Flint?

      It’s about an American town somehow transported back to 1632 “Germany”. (It wasn’t the modern country we call Germany, but that area of the world.) as well as being fun, the series is an interesting look at world history – and how things might change by introducing modern ideas and products to that time period.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      For WWII I renew my suggestion of Connie Willis’s Blackout/All Clear. They’re about a group of historians/time travelers who visit London during the Blitz and their various adventures. They’re quite long but not complicated reads at all, and Willis is unmatched in making you feel like You Are There.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      Gonna put in a vote for Pride and Prejudice. It gets packaged as a romance in pop culture but it’s mostly a family/social story that focuses on a lot of different relationships and just happens to center on marriage because it was literally a matter of survival for the women of the time. There’s a lot of history around Jane Austen’s work and they can be very funny, but I don’t think many boys choose to read her books because they’re so feminine-coded.

      1. Hypatia*

        He’s read that already- one year his class read a modern retelling of it, and he zoomed through it so quickly the teacher had him read the original to keep him busy. He liked that a lot more than the modern version. I wonder if he’d like Persuasion?

      1. Hypatia*

        He’s watched the movie ( my favorite!) but I’d forgotten about the book. One more for the list!

    12. Blooper*

      The recommended target age group is younger, but I first read The Mysterious Benedict Society as an adult (30s) and I found it delightful!

    13. Patty Mayonnaise*

      How about looking into some funny plays? If he has read Hamlet, I highly recommend Fat Ham! Or Martin McDonagh if he likes dark comedy.

  28. Falling Diphthong*

    Looking for cookbook recommendations: Child is looking for a cookbook to create complete, healthy, balanced meals. So a main dish and recommend a couple of sides that work well with it, and has time management for the parts. She summarizes this as “People who cook chicken, rice, and broccoli a lot, and want to expand their horizons.”

    Bonus points if it’s aimed at beginners, and includes a breakdown of protein/carb/fat.

    1. Bluebell Brenham*

      Not exactly in that frame but has a lot of info about the building blocks of feeding yourself – You Gotta Eat by Margaret Eby. There are some recipes but a lot is about how to cook/open when you are short on money/energy/time. Lots of how to make a quick sauce, make rice, make eggs, etc. Her writing style is great too. I bought it for my adult child who is mid20s.

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      america’s test kitchen has a good one called The Complete Cookbook for Young Chefs that’s my kids used starting when she was 8 or 9.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Adult child or actual minor? Assuming they have free use of a kitchen/utensils and so on either way.

      You can’t go wrong with How To Cook Everything by Mark Goodman (there’s an all-vegetarian version as well.) It’s BIG but has tons of variations on recipes–like, not just muffins, but how to adjust the sugar content for blueberry muffins, and so on. Tons of great soup recipes!

      I also like casserole focused cookbooks–they are great for “tasty, quick and provides lunch the next day” in cooking repertoire. For sheer fun, the I Hate To Cook Book by Peg Bracken is a riot to read and a kind of historical document of when canned and convenience foods were really hitting post WWII.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Adult child in 20s. A very talented baker, now married and both have started new mostly-in-office jobs within the past 6 months. Trying to not default into always making that chicken, rice, and broccoli combo, or to takeout.

        Her husband likes meat and is allergic to nuts and dairy (the backbone of a lot of vegetarian cooking), so looking more meat centered. I didn’t put that in the first post because I figure good vegetarian options might be useful to other people.

        I gave each kid Samrin Nosrat’s Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat when they settled in their first “I’m trying to cook like a grown-up now” digs.

        1. Reba*

          I’ll second the Bittman How to Cook Everything (although how to Bake Everything doesn’t use weights, inexplicably).

          Lots of cookbooks including Bittman have veganizing options and substitutions so it’s pretty flexible to dietary needs. Bittman is exhaustive on the basics plus there are more imaginative interpretations. In general it’s super practical in outlook.

          Another “encyclopedia” sort of cookbook, veg focused, that is slightly less comprehensive and rather more fancy is Ruffage by Abra Berens.

          For sheet pan meals, Rukmini Iyer’s cookbooks are very fun, approachable and satisfying.

          Deb Perelman of Smitten Kitchen has two cookbooks! Her blog never steers me wrong and she is wonderfully down to earth (ex. retooling methods to use one bowl instead of two for less cleanup).

          (Just my $0.02 as well, as a vegetarian I don’t see nuts and dairy as very central to my cooking! So I wouldn’t count vegetarian options out.)

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      It may not hit all the requirements, but I really like the RecipeTin Eats blog. She has a QR code for every recipe so you can watch her make it. Both of her cookbooks, which came out last year, have recommendations for what to serve with it, if it’s freezable and how long the leftovers last, plus QR codes as well.

    6. zenocelot*

      I can’t speak for it personally, but you might check out What Goes With What by Julia Turshen. I enjoy her newsletter and have taken her cooking class online and really liked it, and it sounds like the book might be the kind of thing that would work for your kid.

  29. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Women’s shoes question: the bunion edition.

    I inherited my father’s large wide feet & high arch– but my mother’s bunions. I need to find shoes that don’t run a seam across the part of the foot that would be knuckles on a hand.

    The immediate need is something to wear with a dress or dress slacks. (Friday forum cough cough) Casual shoes and sneakers to be replaced after that.

    For casual, I’ve worn Merrell’s urban mocs for many years, but they changed something when they moved production overseas. My foot was too tall for the last 2 pairs I got. Wearable, but no longer comfortable.

    I’m leery of mail order but currently stuck with it while I’m recovering from rotator cuff surgery and can’t drive. (I’m saving my friends’ “want a ride?” favors for medical stuff and birthday parties.)

    Thanks for any suggestions!

    1. Sitting Pretty*

      I have a similar foot design! My go-to brand has been Clarks. I’ve gotten different styles over the years but the one I’ve had the most luck with is the Mary Janes.

      I’ve bought 2 pairs in the past 10 years and I wore one of the other of them almost every day to work. Comfortable to stand and walk in, cute for both dresses and slacks. One pair eventually wore out (after a decade) but the other pair is still going strong!

      1. Spreadsheet Queen*

        IMO, Clarks have gotten narrower in recent years. Everything I’ve tried more recently is much narrower than the old ones in my closet – even up a half size.

        I would avoid Easy Spirit. (I’ve been having some foot issues of my own lately and all my 7 mediums are too tight. I ordered and returned some Mary Janes a half size up from what I have worn in the past and in a Wide and they were too short and SO SO narrow!)

        I did find some White Mountain ankle boots that I like. I wish they were a tad wider, but they are tall enough and the sole is nice and squishy and comfortable.

        They aren’t cute, but Altras are a running shoe with a wider foot-shaped toe-box without going super wide in the heel. And of course New Balance are available in wides (and some of the regular models have a wider toe box too). I was able to find a pair of New Balance that were black AND have a black sole so I can fake it when my feet hurt. (It was a cheaper model with no arch, so I’ll add inserts).

        Good luck! Well-fitting shoes are a struggle!

    2. Maryn*

      I have a high arch, too, so let me look at what’s in my closet…

      Clarks is okay–I have the Ashland Spin in two colors, fine for both skirts and pants–but for me not as comfortable as Cobb Hill Pearl, which is a similar style.

      Also from Cobb Hill, the Carly flat with two straps across the top, dressy enough for anything but fine with casual, too.

      Dansko Frannie is great with pants, comfortable all day.

      Most of these are at least two or three years old, but current styles will be built on the same last–the fake foot the manufacturer uses for each size it makes.

    3. Seashell*

      I don’t have the seam issue, but I have wide feet and feel better with arch support. I like Cobb Hill/Rockport for more dressy shoes. They’re usually more than I would want to spend, but the quality is good and they often have sales and will send you percentages off if you sign up for their email.

    4. Funions*

      I have bunions and can’t wear most shoes for longer than a few hours. I barely wear formal shoes anymore, because it’s not worth the pain and I’m lucky enough that I haven’t needed to since lockdown in 2020. (Even the relatively comfy selection of Clark’s I used to wear to work pre-pandemic don’t seem worth it after I was lucky enough to have a year of wearing only informal shoes and my foot pain went from mild to zero).

      I do have a pair of Birkenstocks “Boston” slip-on clogs for my house shoes and they are insanely comfortable. I don’t know if a version of them would be dressy enough for your purposes, but it might be worth a look.

      I think that if I did need to buy a pair of relatively formal shoes to wear for a job I’d probably get a slightly dressier pair of Birkenstocks such as the “Tracy” but I cannot vouch for them.

      Good luck. Finding women’s shoes that don’t aggravate my bunion pain is so hard. No idea what I’m going to do next time I have to go to a formal occasion like a wedding or a christening, so I really think I’m going to have to lean in to beautiful brand new black suede Adidas trainers or just not go.

    5. Indolent Libertine*

      Wide feet, narrow heels, high arches, but no bunions. I have Cobb Hill mary janes that I’m on either my third or fourth pair of now. For online sources, try Hitchcock Wide Shoes. Both men’s and women’s, good variety of dressy and casual and athletic styles, very extensive width range.

    6. Angstrom*

      Try Anya’s Reviews for minimalist(usually foot-shaped) shoes. Shoes shape like feet generally work well fore people who need a wide forefoot.

      1. Doodles*

        My feet don’t look wide, but regular width (and even supposedly “wide” width) shoes started making my feet feel squished a few years ago. I was told it’s because I had a high arch. I’ve been wearing foot shaped shoes and they are incredibly comfortable.

        Lems has foot shaped dress shoes, sneakers, and boots. I have one of each and they’re all great.

    7. ReallyBadPerson*

      Have you tried Vionic? I have bunions, Achilles tendonosis, and high arches and these usually fit well. For summer wear, I recommend Naot, as all of the straps on their sandals are adjustable and the arch support is good.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Seconding Naot sandals as well. Comfortable, adjustable every which way and cute to boot!

    8. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I read about barkingdogshoes dot com here, years ago (and that’s when I found out that my so-called bunion was actually something else altogether, which explained a lot) – the site has good examples of what style and brand of shoes suit all sorts of foot differences. It is really informative!

      1. FleetingThought*

        Do you mind posting what your foot issue turned out to be? Curious, as I may also think it’s bunions when it could be something else.

    9. Bunion Girl*

      I just had my MASSIVE bunion reviewed by a physical therapist, who was horrified I wasn’t wearing the right kinds of shoes. He had me try Topos – and oh my heavens what a difference! They are foot-shaped (think “Earth Shoes” from the 1970s), and they let my bunion breathe. I’ve been researching less-casual shoes and names I’ve found but haven’t thoroughly researched yet are:
      Orthofeet; OESH Shoes; Saguaro US; Hike Footwear; Go Bearefoot; Hobibear; Oofos; Origoshoes; Widestep; Xeroshoes; Stegman Clogs; Birchbury.
      I can’t speak at all to these other brands (which could be internet scams, or internet gems!), but the Topos for sure are amazing.
      FYI the PT also recommended CorrectToes, a kind of toe separator that I wear with the Topos shoes and has greatly improved my comfort.

  30. Trying to Build community on an inconsistent schedule*

    I’ve committed to settling down in my large metro area and am trying to develop my friend group. I’m in my 30s, single and childless, and travel almost every week for work or family matters. My schedule is totally inconsistent, so every group I’ve been looking to join so far (volunteering! faith based meet up! art class!) has needed commitment longer than I can manage (I would miss 2/4 sessions, 4/6 sessions, etc).

    Does anyone have any idea of other places I can look for drop-in activities that could still lead to an introvert finding (at minimum) casual friendships?

    1. Frieda*

      Do you like to garden? I volunteer at a couple of donation gardens (shared plot, shared labor, food is donated) but you might also like a community garden (shared large space and tools, usually individual plots, food/flowers/whatever are your own).

      The beauty of volunteering is you can drop in when you’re available during the open times, and no one expects a weekly commitment, plus you get some exercise and people get to eat fresh food. A community garden is more hit-or-miss in terms of who is there at a given time, and you’ll need to plan for how your plot gets watered, but you will get to know people and there’s benefit to being part of a stable presence in the community; people go by with their dogs and say hi, depending on location there might be nearby stuff to do afterwards like get a coffee, you get to feel like part of the fabric of your community.

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      Our library has a lot of groups that are drop in- book clubs, English conversation groups, yoga, knitting groups.

      1. rkz*

        yeah if book clubs are an option, your local library or local indie bookstores might be a good place to look. I’ve been to book clubs at the bookstore by me and there’s no commitment to go regularly, but there are also enough people who seem to be there often that I could imagine making deeper connections over time.

    3. GoryDetails*

      I’ve mentioned this before, but geocaching might be an option. It’s something you can do on your own whenever you feel like it, and if your area has geocachers who like to plan events, you can meet folks in a low-commitment way. [I’ve also found it a good way to explore an area. Even in the town I’ve lived in for decades, searching for geocaches has led me to parts of town I’d never seen before!]

    4. Seashell*

      Have you checked Meetup.com? In my experience, a lot of groups have one-off events, like everyone who can come to dinner/happy hour/book club/sightseeing shows up at that time.

      1. talos*

        Meetups also often allow for you to just miss some meetings without it being a huge deal. Like if you only go to the weekly game meetup once a month, you’re still fine.

      2. Frango Mint*

        I second the Meetup format. There are groups tailored to interest/age range, and intermittent attendance is common. I have 2 groups I frequent——a kayak/camping org, and a Mature Adult singles group that has games events, movie, hiking, dinners, concerts in the park. I sign up for whatever fits in with my schedule, and have made friends that I see outside of the group.

        If you do attend some group’s event, make sure you give them a chance and try to attend another meetup before you write them off. I’ve had mixed feelings about a few initial groups but subsequent outings were fun and definitely worth it.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Your last point is so true. My dearest friends now are originally from a meetup, and yet the first time I went it was a bit much for me and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back. I made myself promise to give it at least one more try, knowing myself as someone who can be a bit easily overwhelmed and needs time to warm up. Thank goodness I did that!

    5. Evvy*

      Volunteering at animal shelters can be hit or miss for this, but I have volunteered at shelters where you were allowed to sign up for your own hours (as the running of the shelter required volunteers every single day) with as little as 24 hours notice. Depends on if you like animals but maybe this would work? Also seconding knitting groups, again you would have to like some sort of yarn-related craft but the chill groups are usually open to all with no expectation of committing to every single meeting.

      1. Yankees fans are awesome!*

        What about sticking with what you like/already suggested for yourself, and focusing on communicating your level of availability with each arrangement and see where that gets you? Like, if it’s volunteer work: “Hey, [leader of volunteer activity], I’d like to participate in [activity] but my houts aten’t predictable. Is that okay?” Assuming it is, in the process, you could connect with other people intermittently during the drop-ins, and then build friendships on personal schedule availability and discovered mutual interests, rather than on drop-in activity.

        Weird example of my own but it worked out great: I met a (current) friend through a local drop-in ceramics studio. As we painted mugs and things, we chatted, and found we are both cole slaw connossieurs! We graduated to hanging out at different restaurants to taste cole slaw – yes, we were and still are serious about our cole slaw! – as our professional and personal schedules allow, and she is now a very dear, lifelong friend. And we are both introverts!

        Good luck on your journey. It’s like any other metaphorical dance. You’ll get there. :)

    6. Sloanicota*

      Well my first thought is maybe you’re not quite ready yet – a period of intense travel is not a good time for me to meet new people. But are you always traveling so much? If so, I wonder if something like Couchsurfers, where people meet on travel and talk about travel, is your best bet?

    7. Might Be Spam*

      You could try folk dancing. At contra and ceili(Irish) dances they teach each dance every time, because there are always newcomers.
      As a fellow introvert, I still end up dancing almost every dance and other dancers are eager to tell you about other groups to try.

      To get a partner, you let them know you are new when you check in and ask how the group handles it. Usually some of the regular dancers look for people who look confused and ask them to dance. Also look to see if someone has their hand raised up high, usually that means they are looking for a partner or they need more people in their set.

      Many dancers have more than one group/style/location, so you’ll get to see the same people in a lot of different places.

      1. Angstrom*

        Another vote for contradancing or English country dancing. It’s normal to switch partners after every dance and beginners are welcome.

    8. Spreadsheet Queen*

      If you have a local paint and drink place, you can often chat and connect with people if you go to a smaller class (like not the Friday or Saturday night ones). And you leave with a painting. The one near me has classes every night, and on the weekends they also have classes during the day. There’s one really close to me, and I’ll often register online just 30 minutes before the class.
      My local area also has a drop in west coast swing class & social. It’s on the same weekday every week, but you don’t have to commit to a series or anything. You can just show up if you’re free that day. The local salsa club also has monthly socials that if you happen to be available that evening, you can show up early for the free class and stay for the social. There’s no ongoing lesson commitment. Your area may have something similar for some kind of dance. It does take a while to connect with people, so it may feel awkward and a little lonely the first several times, particularly if you can’t go often.
      And this may be unpopular (and unhealthy, lol), but if you have a more chill local bar that has live music, you can just go when you have time, listen to whoever and hang out. If you go to the same place over and over, you’ll eventually meet people who also go to the same place over and over.

    9. crookedglasses*

      Do any of the places with art classes offer open studios or open sessions where people can use the space to work on their own projects? Many places also open drop on figure drawing sessions if that might be your jam.

      Either way, I think your “drop in” framing is exactly what to look for. I think lots of hobby organizations do offer some sort of drop in event for people who are interested in trying something without necessarily committing. Social dance groups, gaming groups/events, or hiking/outdoorsy groups might be particularly well suited for it.

  31. Nitpicker*

    Can anyone recommend an app for tracking expenses? Until recently, I’ve been charging almost everything, so I had a record on my bill. Now, however, an increasing number of restaurants are imposing fairly large fees for using a credit card. As a result, I’m paying in cash. It’s starting to add up so I need to keep a record. I could carry a notebook, but I’m carrying my phone around anyway so why not use an app?
    Thanks.

    1. MissGirl*

      I just use the checkbook app. It has categories so you can know where your money is going. You can set up automatic deposits and withdrawals. It’s not tied to a bank account so you are entering everything.

    2. slmrlln*

      I’m a big fan of You Need A Budget (YNAB), been using it for years and it’s very convenient

    3. Emma*

      Goodbudget is free for up to a certain number of envelopes (i.e. budget categories) per month – I think 10?

    4. zyx*

      I use Monarch for my family budgeting, and you can record cash transactions in their app.

      I bounced off YNAB because the way they handle credit card payments didn’t make sense to me, and I hear that’s a common reason people stop using YNAB.

    5. Quitting Timely*

      I use OpenBudget, which lets you set up spend or save categories and a budget for each (envelope system without actual envelopes). You can schedule reoccurring transactions like your paycheck or subscriptions.

  32. I didn't say banana*

    Cooking question! My kid will eat almost any vegetable, she’s just not a fan of ones like potato, pumpkin and yams. Neither am I but I’ll eat them occasionally. I make a cottage pie and she likes the meat/lentils/peas/carrots/onion part but I’m looking for an alternative topping to mashed potato. Any suggestions? It doesn’t have to be a vegetable, just something to round out the meal.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Smitten Kitchen has a recipe–Mathilde’s Tomato Tart–that just leans into the oven drying out the top of the vegetables.

      You could do carmelized onions here. Cook them forever, then add to the top as a moist/savory bit.

    6. Nervous Nellie*

      Mashed cauliflower could replace mashed potatoes. The ones she dislikes are all starchy, but cauliflower is much less so. It’s one of the milder ones in the brassica family, and mashes beautifully, as long as you dry-cook it before mashing (bake, microwave, roast). Boiled cauliflower can be too watery to mash – but it makes great soup!

    7. Reba*

      You can do a mashed texture with other veg. Maybe turnip and rutabaga would also be objectionable, but what about cauliflower?

    8. I take tea*

      We sometimes do mash out of red lentils. If you cook them with about 1:2 lentils and water and stir it frequently it turns into a lovely mash. We eat it in place of potato mash, I see no reason why it wouldn’t work on top of a pie. You can put any spices in it when you cook.

      1. I take tea*

        It doesn’t have the potato/sweet potato/pumpkin mouth feel, if your kid dislikes the slightly gooey feeling.

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      What about a cornbread topping? Similar to biscuit, but a slightly different taste

      2. Clisby*

        Yeah, my mother used to make a casserole like this with ground beef, carrots, and peas, and a thin topping of cornbread. We loved it.

    10. Inky Fingers*

      Agreeing on cauliflower! Search Fauxtatoes (you can skip the garlic if you want). I make them often because they are sooo delicious (and low carb). And, when I’m feeling kinda lazy, I use frozen cauliflower rather than fresh

    11. Just a name*

      Crushed potato chips were a classic casserole topping back in the day. Maybe crushed corn chips if potato chips are also disliked. Panko bread crumbs?

    13. HannahS*

      -put it in a pie, like tourtiere
      -put a piece of pastry on top, like chicken pot pie
      -eat it with bread like a sloppy joe
      -eat it on rice

    14. Mutually Supportive*

      Carrot mashes quite well, perhaps a carrot and cauli mix would be firmer than just cauli. Also parsnips, just need to be careful that it doesn’t flavour it too much (unless you’re a fan of parsnip flavour :) )
      And don’t forget the sprinkle of cheese on top of all of that. Yummy!

  33. Broken scones*

    Happy weekend, everyone! A bit of a sad question, but… I found out my senior dog has congestive heart failure, and I’m looking for any kind of advice from pet owners who’ve been in this situation before. My grumpy old man is on meds right now, and we are making sure he is comfortable and loved of course <3

    1. Liminality*

      I’m so sorry that time is starting to catch up to your grumpy old man. I don’t have any personal experience with congestive heart failure, but I can imagine how helpless I would feel in your situation. My only advice comes from watching the slow march of my beloved cat as he headed toward the Rainbow Bridge.
      What are your senior dog’s five favorite things? It’ll be time to start thinking about quality of life when he can no longer consistently enjoy at least three of them.
      If, like me, you need an external reality check, it can be helpful to have a place to keep track of good/dad days. Again, quality of life plans can be put to the back of mind unless/until the good days start becoming outnumbered.
      How lucky your pup is to have made it to grumpy old man status. He has known care and peace, and been surrounded by love.
      May we all be so lucky.

    3. Pam Adams*

      For snack, try something like raw carrots or bits of apple. Limit treats from the table- too much sodium.

      The meds may make him pee more- take him out more frequently.

    4. Seamyst*

      Depending on your job and relationship with your boss, you might want to give her a heads-up that you may need to take off suddenly sometime in the days/weeks ahead.

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      I will recommend that if you decide to help him over the rainbow bridge, please look at vets who will come to your house for this process. It is a game changer 100%.
      I’m so sorry and good luck. We’re currently dealing with this for best old sweetest cat.

      1. Liminality*

        Agreed. I had the peeps from Lap of Love come to my home to help my beloved cat cross over. It was awful, because saying goodbye to part of your Soul always will be awful, but avoiding the chaos of hauling him to the vet ‘one last time’ was worth it. For both of us.

    6. DJ Abbott*

      I had two cats with this. The first one it was not diagnosed until I found her wheezing. She was 14 and overweight. After meds were started she lived two more quality months, when she was more active than I’d ever seen her. This was in 2014.
      The second cat was a male, normal weight, and it was found during a routine checkup and confirmed by a cardio specialist when he was 13. He was put on meds and lived another six years, with checkups twice a year to adjust his meds. When he did pass it seemed to be less about his heart, and more of a general disintegration.
      Good luck to your old man, I hope he has an excellent life for however much longer he’s with you. <3

    7. Broken scones*

      Thank you everyone who commented. My baby decided to cross the rainbow bridge, and he was with me and my family the entire time. I will be taking a few days off from work for obvious reasons. If you have a furry, feathered or scaled baby, please give them extra treats and kisses today!

      1. RC*

        I’m so sorry, we’ve been there. We give them the best lives we can for as long as we can but it still sucks so hard <3 I’ll scritch our cats for him.

      2. Liminality*

        I’m so sorry. These are some of the hardest times. We love them so much and part of the promise we make to them is that they will never have to suffer unnecessarily. You did the very best you could for your good boy. May his memory be a blessing.
        I’m glad you are taking some time to help process in these early days of grief. Please continue to be kind to yourself and stay hydrated.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I actually just put a cat down yesterday because of heart issues, so I sympathize. My advice is focus on quality of life. As much as you can, disregard your emotions. You’re going to hurt, don’t let your pet hurt. And a day early is better than day late.

  34. I take tea*

    Technical question, please. What could you use for chatting, if you don’t want to use WhatsApp? I’m mainly looking for a chat function where you also can share pictures. I’d like to have group chats too, but it’s not absolutely necessary, the same goes for the possibility to talk over Internet. The chat is the most important thing. We have used Skype, but that’s shutting down. I don’t want anything with ties to Russia, so am very skeptic towards Telegram. Would Signal be an alternative? Anything else? It needs to work in Europe and on Windows, Android and Linux. Any ideas?

    1. Lifelong student*

      We use an app called GroupMe for our craft group. Can share pictures- use on phone or laptop. Free.

    3. Roland*

      Signla is good. There is a desktop app for windows (you do need to authenticate through your phone though). Idk about linux.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A Discord server? Group channels and individual chats that can include pictures, voice chats as well. Phone apps on both iOS and Android, desktop apps on Windows and Mac – not sure about a Linux app, but there’s also a browser version in a pinch.

    5. PollyQ*

      If you don’t care about preserving all your history, Slack’s free version might be a good option. It’s targeted for group chats, but also supports 1:1. Works well with pictures and automatically embeds some social media based on the link. It only stores the most recent 3 months of activity, though.

    8. Tea & Sympathy*

      I agree on Signal. I’ve used it for awhile now, and have been happy with it. It’s easy to share pictures and you can make audio and video calls. I assume you can do group chats, though I haven’t tried. The drawback is that it’s not that popular, so you have to convince friends and relatives to add yet another app.

    9. Sara K*

      Discord might work for you. You can create channels which can be for voice comms or text/pic sharing. It has a number of nifty features which I wish Zoom and Teams had

    10. Observer*

      I don’t want anything with ties to Russia, so am very skeptic towards Telegram

      Good call about Telegram. It’s not just their ties to Russia. If you have *any* concerns about privacy, it’s a dumpster fire in a lot of ways.

      Would Signal be an alternative?

      Signal is my go to for stuff like this. Many people find the interface a bit more clunky than WhatsApp, but it has most of the same functionality, and they collect less meta-data than WhatsApp, so even if they get hacked (or are forced to comply with a subpoena), they just don’t have that much to hand over. And the actual chats are well encrypted.

      So, that’s what I would probably be looking at.

    12. supply closet badger*

      Just got into Signal recently as I’m looking to move away from at least FB and Insta, then possibly all Meta products (so WhatsApp) … it seems to work pretty much just the same as WhatsApp for me :)

    13. David*

      Definitely +1 for Signal. It’s clean and easy to use and supports all platforms. The only thing to be aware of is that, even though you can run the Signal desktop app on Windows/Mac/Linux, the smartphone app is “primary”: you have to use a smartphone and your phone number to create an account in the first place, and in order to use the desktop app you have to periodically authorize it using the phone app, every 30 days or something like that. So if anyone in your group doesn’t have access to a smartphone or doesn’t want to use their phone number to sign up for Signal, that would be a problem. (Admittedly Signal is one of the least risky services to give your phone number to because they’re so concerned with privacy, but still, it’s something to consider.)

    14. I take tea*

      Thank you all for your suggestions. I’ll look into them. I always thought Discord was for streaming games, never thought it could be used for this.

      If you use Signal, is it possible to install it directly or do you need to go via an app store? My extremely secure minded relative does have an Android smartphone, but no Google account and refuses to get one. Skype is downloadable from their page, so that has worked.
      Text messages are a bit clunky and don’t work well on the computer which is the preferred way to chat.

  35. Still More Socks*

    Yes, it’s a third question about socks.

    Where can you find 100% cotton socks these days (United States)? The dermatologist has recommended them for a family member with foot fungal issues, but the best I’m able to find is 80% cotton.

    2. SockItToMe*

      I’ve always gotten mine at Athlete’s Foot. They carry them in all sizes and lengths. They closed the corporate stores in the US but franchises still exist. New Balance stores also sell them, but they’re more expensive. I’ve seen them in average foot sizes only at other stores too including some department stores.

      You might also check at running stores if you have any nearby.

    5. RC*

      I got some from Q for Quinn for Christmas a couple years ago when I had the same request, I like them pretty well, although looking at their website now I don’t know that they hav the fun patterns they used to but maybe that’s okay?

    6. office hobbit*

      Maggie’s Organics has some 98% cotton and a 99.8% cotton (the “allergy” style). The remaining fiber is spandex.

  36. 40 not 14*

    I am on an intense one-year graduate course in a city where I initially knew nobody. Our group is small and we all bonded pretty quickly, except for one person, Flaggy, who was from quite a different culture and on the older side (for ref, I too am from a different country to the place we’re studying but a much more similar culture, and there’s no language barrier for me, and I am the oldest in the group). I made friends with this person and they seemed quite nice and normal, but early on confided in me that they felt a little excluded by the rest of the group. I personally did not think that anyone was intentionally excluding them, but that maybe they just weren’t finding it as easy to bond for any number of reasons, and made a point of including them and doing things with them. I am also quite a social person and made a few close connections with others in the group and am now one-on-one get-a-coffee friends with quite a few of them, of all ages.

    I was having a study session with Flaggy recently and realised that they are likely not being excluded, but are seeing exclusion in normal interactions (probably due to anxiety, idk, I’m not a therapist). Flaggy asked me why I had met up a few times with a different friend without inviting Flaggy, and said that it seemed odd. It was not odd, and I said so, because wtf? It’s a normal thing to meet a friend one-to-one for coffee or lunch without inviting others. We are in our late 30s, this is nonsense. We talked about it briefly but I didn’t apologise and I think I let my annoyance at being ‘friend-policed’ bleed through. We finished our study session as normal and said goodbye, but later they texted me about it. I said it wasn’t a good conversation to have over text and wished them goodnight.

    Now I have gone off Flaggy. I will be polite and not exclude them from group things (I am often an organiser of social things, it’s just my personality), and if they ask me to have a coffee or something I will probably say yes. But I just don’t want to spend a lot of time with someone who is insecure enough to police who I spend my time with. At the same time, I feel bad. Anxiety is tough, and it seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy for Flaggy. I’m pretty sure Flaggy has noticed that I have not invited them to study or have a coffee recently, but they also have not asked me, and phones work both ways, after all. I’m not snubbing or giving the silent treatment and am chatting to Flaggy in class but I just am so put off by the drama/anxiety.

    Maybe I should say something? If so, what? I don’t want to invite more long conversations about their anxiety or how they feel they are being excluded when I am pretty sure it started out all in their head, but may now be happening purely due to their own actions. But I also don’t want to be cruel.

    1. Doodles*

      I agree that’s it’s off-putting that Flaggy wanted to know why you meet up with other friends without them and said that doing so was odd. When they texted you about the conversation later, did they apologize or give context on why they would say that?

      I think being polite and not excluding them from group things is nice enough. You don’t need to be their anxiety therapist, apologize for being annoyed, or bring up the odd conversation again. If they approach you to apologize and explain themselves, I’d give them the chance though.

      1. 40 not 14*

        The message was not an apology, I’m afraid. It was kind of just an invitation to keep unpicking their insecurities, with the implications that they knew the text might harm our friendship. Which I didn’t like because it seemed manipulative, like I was supposed to say, no, it’s fine.

        Thanks for your second paragraph. I will certainly give them the chance to apologise or explain if they approach me.

        1. Doodles*

          The follow-up text sounds extra off-putting! Sounds like drama/anxiety that I wouldn’t want to get involved with either. I feel empathy for Flaggy because I get anxious about a lot of things myself, but if I thought I annoyed someone I would acknowledge/apologize. No one is obligated to deal with my anxiety or invite me everywhere.

          1. 40 not 14*

            Yes, I’d actually forgotten how off-putting it was until I went back to read it again because you’d asked about it! Thanks for your feedback, it’s really helpful. I was half expecting to be told I owed Flaggy an explanation or a conversation.

            1. Yankees fans are awesome!*

              I think you can strike a good compromise by getting coffee with Flaggy on occasion for an hour or so; it’s very kind of you to want to be mindful of Flaggy’s insecurities or whatever is going on there.

              The other side of the compromise, though, is to leave your association with Flaggy there. From what you describe, it sounds like Flaggy has glommed onto you a bit by expressing resentment that you didn’t obligate yourself to include Flaggy in a different meetup with someone else. No explanation or apology needed frm you for sure. Been there with a Flaggy or two myself and found intentional boundaries to be instrumental in making sure I didn’t unexpectedly find myself tangled up in something deeply uncomfortable.

              1. Observer*

                I think you can strike a good compromise by getting coffee with Flaggy on occasion for an hour or so;

                I was thinking this. But with a real caveat, if you do decide to try again.

                When you go out, make it clear that you are not up to answering to them about other outings. If they still try that during, either tell them that you meant what you said, and that the next time this happens will be your last one-on-one hang out. Or end things off and leave, explaining that you meant what you said. And then don’t engage any further.

                You absolutely do not owe them this. But if you *want* to and are up to the effort, this might work out. But also, it’s constrained enough that if it doesn’t you’re sucked into an unending cycle of drama.

                1. 40 not 14*

                  Thanks for that! To be honest it’s a little too much talking about the issue for me so I will not mention it pre-emptively, but if it comes up I’ll say that I don’t want to talk about it. I’m a big proponent of “not everything needs to be talked out” in a friendship, though I know that might be a good strategy for some. For me, if a friendship needs talking about or boundaries explicitly stated, there’s usually no point continuing it. It’s not the same as a familial or romantic relationship, which might need talking about because you can’t just take a break or walk away so easily. This has worked really well for me the last few decades, and most of my friendships are strong and long-lasting, I swear!

        2. FindingBalance*

          That’s so interesting, because I tend to over apologize if I think I’ve done something that may have been taken badly or if I sense irritation at me in someone else (I was constantly blamed for things my siblings did as a child and had default apologizing drilled into me). I’ve been told the apologizing irritates people so I try to police my apologizing and only. do it if I can clearly articulate why I’m apologizing (I definitely backslide though) – and maybe I’m not apologizing enough for things that could annoy others but seem reasonable to me? Or at least are suppressing some apologies that others would find welcome? Balance can be so tough, especially if there are either ingrained habits or mental health issues in the mix.

          1. 40 not 14*

            That’s a tricky one! I can’t really imagine an apology annoying me, personally, but then I’m from and live in a culture where you basically say “sorry” all the time, and it’s sometimes an apology and sometimes…maybe it’s just the thing you say? Not sure. But apologies and sorries are part of social lubricant in my experience. I guess I’d only find it irritating if the person apologising just kept doing it and wouldn’t take my “it’s okay” as meaning what I say, and that it’s fine and and we can be normal again? Because ideally they are acknowledging an inconvenience or damage to me (even if it wasn’t really, or if it went both ways, in which case I’d also apologise) and making the relationship level again such that there is no more emotional labour or tension. Not sure if that’s the case for you? I’m sure there are differences in cultures, because I do see this “don’t apologise so much, women!” thing online and it strikes me as very American and not vibing with my culture(s) at all.

            In any case, I don’t even want an apology from Flaggy. I just don’t want to be exposed to the anxiety and policing anymore. Both of us pretending it never happened would be my ideal outcome. But an apology followed by normalcy would be the second best, probably.

            1. DJ Abbott*

              In that case, I don’t think you should do more one to ones with Flaggy. He might take it as an invitation to go there again.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Ah, my people. I am avoidant and struggle so much with this kind of thing. I don’t actually want, nor do I believe I owe it to people, to have a drawn-out conversation with someone I actually don’t like or am currently annoyed with. I think it’s okay to let Flaggy do the work here as long as you’re polite, honest, and direct. This is how Flaggy may learn that guilting other people to include them more is not an effective strategy for making friends.

      1. 40 not 14*

        Ah, the way you’ve put it as letting Flaggy do the work has really clarified it for me! Thank you!

        I do hope Flaggy learns. I do not wish them to feel alone but there’s only so much drama and anxious neediness I can take in a friend. I’ve made the mistake in the past of giving too much emotional bandwidth to someone who in the end I realised I didn’t even like being around.

        1. allathian*

          I’ve made the same mistake. Now I give people like Flaggy a wide berth. If anyone tried to monopolize my time or question who I socialize with, I’d stop hanging out with them.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          It pretty much comes down to Flaggy having to do their own work. When anxiety or other brain weasels are running the show, it can feel mean or petty to not just give in to “small things” like answering questions about other outings–but it’s actually not helping anything for her.

          It just feeds that spiral, and it is never satisfied. It may genuinely feel, to her, that you doing this or that is what’s required for her to calm down, but it’s like emptying the proverbial ocean with a teaspoon.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      You’re totally fine to just keep putting the amount of effort/energy into the friendship you want and no more, but if you want to say something I think you could still be direct but kind. If you look up “Geek Social Fallacies” on Captain Awkward she has a lot of advice about managing this kind of interaction! (one of the fallacies is about how everyone has to be included in everything)

      1. 40 not 14*

        Yes, I’m familiar! CA and the Geek Social Fallacies were so formative for geeky awkward young me!

        Might be time for a re-read.

    5. Zona the Great*

      The self-fulfilling prophecy is really true and this is a person I’ve encountered more than once. I seem to be the one they gravitate towards because I’m happy to have friends and acquaintances of varying personality types, backgrounds, interests, etc. I can generally get along with those that don’t seem to mesh well with others and I myself am very easy to get along with. However, the self-fulfilling prophecy has always come true in my experience. Eventually I begin to see what the others see in them. In one case, I had a friend tell me my Flaggy was simply misunderstood. I agreed with this for a while until the masks came off and I, too, found my Flaggy to be simply hard to be around and very difficult as their main personality trait. They weren’t misunderstood, they were just hard to like.

      I stopped allowing this into my life a while ago so I myself would fade away from Flaggy. Hopefully they reflect, learn, and grow but honestly, it’s not my problem if they do or not.

  37. Supporting spouse taking GLP-1*

    My spouse, under the advice of their doctor, will start taking GLP-1 drugs soon.

    I’d love to hear from people who take them, and/or close friends/family: what have you found to be most helpful and supportive during this experience?

    2. is the math right ?*

      Be ware of mood changes. Depression is a noted side effect and there have been anecdotal reports of suicide. Not saying it’s likely but something to be aware of.

    5. AnnonForThis*

      I did ozempic. It was pretty life changing for me. In the initial stages I could hardly eat for the first two days after taking it. So small, high protein meals would have been a great support. I was right off alcohol and some of my fave foods (peanut butter) lost all their appeal. It’s a bit of a learning curve, my body couldn’t digest lettuce for a couple months.

      I read forums and forums of user experiences right before I took my first dose and many users found trying to overeat, or high fat/sugar meals made them pretty ill, so another good support would be avoiding fancy meals out/ scoping out some options for eating out/social meals that work for spouse

      Hope that helps!

    6. Catherine*

      I’m on rybelsus and have found that it doesn’t just manage my eating but also my other impulsive or addictive behaviors. I am less interested in alcohol. I make fewer impulse purchases.

      I feel great, and like I’ve opened up so much space inside my head now that I’m not constantly having an internal battle with my dopamine seeking instincts. My friends think I’m less fun, and have been vocal about it. Do not tell your spouse they’re not fun anymore! It helps nothing!

    7. Alyn*

      From experience:
      Nausea is a common side effect, but I’ve noticed personally that I tend to feel nauseous when I haven’t eaten; for this reason, I try to keep high protein snacks/foods on hand – Premier Protein shakes, Skyr yogurt, 100 calorie packs of nuts, etc. Typically having one of these will make me feel much better. Especially at the higher doses, it’s very easy to accidentally skip meals (which I never would have believed prior to starting this medication, but it’s true); if they find they’re regularly missing meals, having a schedule for mealtimes or easy snacks on hand will help.

      In addition, especially at the higher doses, constipation can become an issue, so fiber supplements/Miralax/etc. may be useful (I use a combination of Metamucil gummies & Colace).

      Finally, speaking of dosage – the medication starts at a low dose, then gradually ramps up. My doctor has me check in each month with regards to how I’m feeling on side effects, etc., and we discuss whether to increase the dosage or not. Don’t feel like you *have* to increase the dose each month; staying at the same dose can be beneficial, especially if you’re having a hard time with side effects, or even if side effects aren’t much of an issue, but you’re comfortable and still losing weight.

    8. TPS reporter*

      food is much less interesting to me now, so to make sure I’m getting proper nutrition it helps to have a variety at home. I’m more apt to eat the minimum recommend protein and fiber if it comes in lots of different forms and is relatively easy to make. a meal kit service is helping.

      some days I feel not so great, so having exercise motivation from someone at home is good. they tell me, just go to the gym and once you’re there you’ll be okay. and remind me I just have to do what I can, it’s okay to not always push myself.

      I have found myself to also be less social on the drug. please be patient while your spouse adjust to this new lifestyle.

  38. Liminality*

    I am not the Chosen One.

    I had an eventful weekend of Cat Adventures but it turns out that the cat does have ‘people’. When I rang the doorbell of my neighbors on Friday night a guy answered and said “yeah, that cat has been hanging around for about a year. My daughter pets it.” Then, on Sunday night we found a ‘have you seen this cat?’ post on the neighborhood page. We brought the cat to them…. At the Same House. The Mom and Daughter were there and I didn’t see the guy from Friday.
    It was obvious that the cat knew them and the cat was happy, calm, and friendly in their home. (An instant night/day difference from the hiding in the farthest back, darkest corner possible at my place) So…. yeah. That was a wild ride.

    Have you ever found yourself in an unnecessary situation due to someone else’s lack of communication?

    1. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Wait so two of the people there regarded the cat as a pet but the third considered it a stray that shows up occasionally? What an unusual situation, and I’m glad you were able to get the cat back to it’s people.

      1. Liminality*

        Yep. I don’t get it.
        It did seem to be a ‘we’ve named and are caring for this former stray by feeding it and bringing it inside during inclement weather’ kind of situation, but it was obvious that the young daughter of the house loves that cat, and the cat was completely comfortable in their home. Closed door and all. Walked right out of the carrier, got some scritches from the girl, sauntered over to the food bowl, used the cardboard scratch pad, all within 3 minutes of being there.
        Heck, I was concerned that my presence might disturb the cat, you know, because I kidnapped it and held it captive for two days. Nope. After the successful homecoming the cat came up to rub on my leg then roll over on front of my feet to ask for belly rubs!

    2. Cat and dog fosterer*

      This happens to rescues All. The. Time. I don’t have any advice, though loads of sympathy!

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Wait–were they on two different timelines??? How could one person not know they have a pet cat??

      1. Sloanicota*

        My guess, the guy doesn’t want a cat, and the mom/daughter “secretly” consider it their pet without telling him. He considers it a stray that hangs around sometimes and they consider it their cat. My only note to OP might be to keep an eye out if they ever move. I had a neighbor a bit like this, and he did not take the cat with him (!). I guess he really viewed it as like, a native species or something. And his wife who was soft on the cat all alone continued her practice of never standing up to the guy, so they just moved away one day.

        1. Liminality*

          Good suggestion. I’ll definitely keep an eye out for that!
          I genuinely don’t understand how Anyone can do that to an animal they claim to have loved.

  39. Doodles*

    Can anyone with Comcast/Xfinity experience offer guidance?

    My parents currently have landline/internet/TV, but want to drop to just internet after having a horrible experience with customer service last week (and realizing they don’t need super expensive cable and landline!). I also want to start handling our Xfinity service myself and get the new member price for just internet.

    Had some questions about to sign up with the least amount of service interruption/cost:

    1) Could my parents close their account and return all equipment at the store in the morning, while I go the store and sign up for a new plan in the evening? Do we need to wait a certain amount of time in between?

    2) Would I have to pay the installation fee to have someone come to the house to setup the gateway, or could I just pick up the gateway at the store while signing up for a new plan?

    3) Is the xFi Complete with the wifi booster (what we currently have) actually necessary? I’m trying to figure out if the gateway that’s just $15/month would be okay. (The gateway would be in the basement, and then there’s three floors above that.)

    1. Just a name*

      I purchased my own cable modem and WiFi router for use with ComcastXfinity. I’ve never had their cable tv. I started with their modem, and it was easy to switch to my own and return theirs. One thing to consider is that their account may have special “status” depending on how long they have been customers. I am a “diamond” account so I get free access to Peacock (iirc) that I stream via my Roku. Last time I dealt with customer service, I found it easier to do a chat in the app. My internet only service (800mbps) is 69.99/mo. I have an Ooma box/account that let me transfer my land line (Verizon, awful) to VOIP and keep my number. You pay for the box once, then you pay the equivalent of state/local taxes each month (about $6 for me). I may get rid of that since we really don’t use it. I stream everything else on the Roku (I like the interface better than my smart tv).

        1. Doodles*

          Freaky! :o

          Not as freaky, but I tried to get on my dad’s Comcast account and kept getting a 404 error all of a sudden. Had to delete my browsing data.

      2. Doodles*

        The customer service rep that started the whole mess was via phone, and two additional phone calls just made things worse. We’ve been using the messaging system on their support forum for several days, but they just ask the same questions over and over again without fixing anything, unfortunately.

        I want to buy our own cable modem and WiFi router eventually, but I’m not knowledgeable about that stuff and after after wasting so much time with Comcast reps this past week, I don’t have time to look into it. Do you mind sharing what you use? We did get two Rokus and I subscribed to Paramount+Showtime and Frndly so far (and will likely add Peacock). They only use their landline once a week, so not really necessary anymore (they both have cell phones).

        We were told the lowest internet only price they could get was $78/month for 300 Mbps + $15/$25 to rent the gateway. They’ve been a customer for about 30-35 years, but mentioning that didn’t make a difference. I’m not sure if there’s any special designation on their account. If I sign up as a new customer, it’ll be $30/month + $15/$25 to rent the gateway.

        1. Enough*

          I have a modem (Arris) and router ( Netgear) I bought at best Buy. The salesmen should be able to answer whatever questions you have. I have had these for years and have a desk top, a laptop, and 1 cell phone accessing the router normally. That becomes 3 more laptops and 3 more phones at Christmas and haven’t had any issues.

          Would love to know what this diamond account is. We’ve had this account for over 40 years and they started charging for Peacock at least a year ago after giving it free.

          1. Enough*

            Don’t know what the timeline would be for the changeover but I would think it would be the same as what would happen if you sold your house and the account changes.

          2. Just a name*

            I think you need to sign up for rewards in the app. “There’s four tiers: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and Diamond. The longer you’ve been with with us, the more rewards you get.” I’ve had an account since 1998.

            1. Doodles*

              I found it. Just need to google “Xfinity Rewards — FAQs.” Interesting!

              I’m really just concerned about getting a good monthly internet price and want to open new accounts whenever the price goes up at this point. Wish we had known about the rewards before though.

        2. Just a name*

          FYI, my plan is called “Blast!® Internet Plan.”
          While I do have a 69.99 bill each month, it includes at 43.01 promotional credit that I’ve had for nearly 3 years and will expire this summer. It will be $113 after that. It doesn’t look like they offer that package anymore so I’ll see what happens this summer.

    2. Pam Adams*

      you might look for internet only accounts. Mine is with Spectrum ,and about $30 per momth

    3. Chaordic One*

      Find out what kind of plan they signed up for. In the past I’ve had Xfinity Internet service and in order to get into a halfway decently low-priced plan I had to commit to a one-year long contract. When I ended up having to move 9 months into the contract I had to pay a fairly hefty termination fee. It would have almost been cheaper to have just continued to pay for the internet service for 3 more months and then cancelled it after a year.

    4. Healthcare Worker*

      I had much better luck with going to the store in-person. I now have monthly internet for $45. The agent asked me several questions about my use and told me I was buying much more than I needed. I left the store shocked at such good customer service and very happy!

  40. Alex*

    Looking for advice on diagnosing my computer issue!

    I have a macbook pro from 2021. In the past few months, it has been doing this thing where it completely runs down the battery if I just put it to sleep. For example, close it and leave it on my couch for a couple of hours, come back, and the battery will be completely drained and it will have turned itself off. I checked the battery health and it seems mostly OK. I can use it without too many issues for a couple of hours without needing to plug it in. This just happens so quickly when it is supposed to be sleeping!

    Now here’s the extra mysterious part. I recently went on vacation, and took my computer with me. This problem was completely gone. I had my computer sitting, closed but still powered on, in the hotel safe for an entire day and it still had plenty of battery life left when I took it out in the evening. It behaved itself the entire trip.

    Now that I’m back home, my computer is up to its old tricks again.

    WHAT GIVES? Is it something about my internet connection? The internet connection at the hotel was spotty but available.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Experiment: If you turn off the wifi and let it sleep, does it still happen?

        1. Alex*

          Update! I turned off the wifi, and left it unplugged overnight, closed, and it still went dead :(

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Drat! I was hoping it was just like, chugging on a cloud backup or something.

            Do you have any accessories plugged into it when this happens?

            Double check your power settings and make sure it’s actually going to sleep when it’s closed?

            If you can do without risk from critters or such, I would try manually putting it to sleep and leaving it open? This is a long shot, but my work laptop sometimes decides, when it is closed and operating in clamshell mode, that the left shift key is being held down (it’s not, it never is, nothing touches it when the lid is closed, we’ve checked, it’s just a weird thing) until I open the lid, jam on the key a few times and reboot the machine. (Which is as annoying as you might guess :-P )

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Do you have it connected to any wireless speakers or headphones? Maybe it’s helpfully playing music or something to a muted speaker?

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      Have you actually quit everything and shut it down and then powered it back up again? Run CCleaner for Mac? It sounds very strange!

      1. Alex*

        Yes! Several months ago I tried googling the problem and did a few things that I found, including some settings changes, some series of cleaning/resetting things, etc. I restarted many times, tried to view if anything weird was running in the background, all that. No dice.

        Prior to taking it on vacation, I just thought it was some weird battery problem I wasn’t able to fix, but the vacation thing was super weird! (I mean, I was delighted because it is a huge pain, but very confused!)

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Do you have AppleCare? I have found the folks at the Apple stores to be so helpful.

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      It’s probably an app running in the background. You can check the activity monitor to see which apps and processes are consuming the most energy and then turn off background access for those apps and extensions.

  42. Amber Rose*

    My cat has decided he will only drink water if it is served to him in a specific glass. He’s completely boycotted his fountain which he liked just fine not that long ago, and all forms of wet food. I was using Fortiflora to get him to eat the wet food and now he hates that too.

    I don’t mind giving him a glass of water every now and then but he’s got kidney disease and I worry about how dehydrated he is and how he’s underweight. Anyone had any success getting their cat excited about drinking water and eating wet food? He is 15 years old. Is this just part of aging? At what point do I rush him back to the vet? (he needs to be sedated first so I prefer to put that off.)

    1. That other OS*

      Maybe I’m a pushiver, but at that age and with kidney issues, I’d just designate a glass for the cat and call it good.

      1. That other OS*

        Ah, and the wet food: get stinky wet food. I sometimes add a dollop of hot water to my cat’s food to get it extra stinky, but nothing beats stinky-to-begin-with food, e.g. fish based flavors.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      I would recommend calling the vet about this: they may want to do IV fluids to get him rebalanced.

      1. RC*

        Yeah, has he been officially tested/diagnosed with CKD? If so there’s special (low-protein) food they should be on, which by many accounts is not very delicious at all (our guy with CKD was also a grazer, so it made it EXTRA FUN to try to get him to eat, plus then we found out he liked the kidney kibble way better which was great until they reformulated it and then he hated it again, THANKS GUYS).

        If it’s actually CKD (they’ll do blood tests) then the problem might be they drink water but it’s just passing right through them instead of staying and hydrating their bodies. That’s why you do the subcu fluids, but they can be done at home. It takes a little bit of a learning curve because it is a needle, but it helped both our old guys feel better. But I’d check with the vet to see what his blood work looks like so you can try to find a plan. Good luck, ugh I wish they were all immortal and healthy forever.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      I have had older animals (cats and dogs) who developed illnesses that made them feel nauseated after eating. Then their onboard self-protection program would tell them “THAT food was poison!” So keeping them fed became an exercise in sourcing small amounts of an extremely large variety of different flavors and brands of wet food. A new food might “work” for 2 or 3 meals, or maybe only once in 2 or three weeks (a really long rotation sometimes allowed their memory to reset).
      It’s something to discuss with your vet, at least? She might have ideas about a helpful anti-nausea medicine, if it is relevant for your kitty.

      1. Sloanicota*

        My vet definitely gave my senior kitty some kind of anti-emetic that seemed to work very well, and once her stomach was less unsettled she was more willing to eat.

    4. ReallyBadPerson*

      We had an elderly cat with kidney disease. Our go-to for getting liquid into him was to buy jars of chicken baby food and dilute it.

    5. WS*

      Tell the vet – you don’t necessarily have to take the cat in to say “I need him to eat more”. And give the boy his glass of water. With kidney disease he is going to get thin, that’s part of it, but I had a lot of success with smelly food, especially fish and prawn based food. He may also be anxious about eating if it makes him feel unwell, my cat did really well on a low dose of gabapentin, which can also stimulate appetite.

    6. Pam Adams*

      I had an older female cat who only wanted to drink out of glasses. I found her a heavy goblet she couldn’t tip, and kept it filled with fresh water.

    7. Morning Reader*

      It might be the position of the glass or its location that makes it easier to drink from. I recommend a large beer stein kind of glass, with a wide top and a heavy bottom so it doesnt tip, and keep it filled to the top. The cats I’ve known who liked this method seemed to like not bending down for it, and having a drink near their favorite perch. Best to use a glass very different from your own drinking glass so you don’t accidentally drink the cat water.

    8. Manders*

      My older kitty, also with the beginning of chronic kidney disease, will still drink out of his fountain if he has to. But he really, really prefers drinking from the bathroom faucet. We have an arrangement where I turn it on in the morning while I get my coffee ready. I give in to anything he wants.

      1. Double A*

        When you’re on bonus time with a kitty (about 15 and up), they get whatever they want, that’s my rule.

        1. not spring yet*

          Yep, I sprinkle kitty treats on my 18 yr-old cat’s wet food. So many kitty treats. I’ve also raised the level of the food bowls by putting them on sandwich containers. That raises the bowl about 2 inches (5 cm), and seems a good height to eat from

    9. Reba*

      My neighbor’s cat, who I petsit occasionally, drinks out of a jam jar and a certain tumbler glass. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    10. Puffle*

      My rescue kitty will only drink out of glasses/ mugs. I started with bowls/ water fountain- she totally ignored them, and would only drink out of my water…. So now we have a collection of mugs designated for her use, because then at least I know she’s hydrating

    11. A313*

      When a cat gets dehydrated, that can lead to nausea, which can thwart your efforts. I think of it like how I felt when I was (much!) younger and hungover.

      I have young cats now, and I give each of them half a Churu squeezed into a dish and mixed with water. My one cat won’t even eat the Churus if they aren’t mixed with water — ha! That might be worth trying.

    12. office hobbit*

      Does he like Hydracare? It’s a purina product to boost hydration. My cat doesn’t like drinking water but loooves his hydracare (I dilute it with water).

      That said, if he’s happy drinking water out of the glass, I’d give him the glass. And I’d call your vet to ask about the other issues. They may be able to offer suggestions or even prescribe over the phone without having to bring him in, since it’s such an ordeal for him..

    13. FleetingThought*

      My sweet kitty (RIP) who lived to be approximately 19 yo, was diagnosed as hyperthyroid around 17.5 yo. She drank out of a water glass pretty much her entire life, when she decided DH’s coffee mug was her glass. She loved water and demanded that the glass always remained topped off and would run the second the full glass was set down on the nightstand. Yes, we left the glass on the nightstand with a tray underneath.
      At some point she became pickier with her food and was losing weight. That’s when she was diagnosed as hyperthyroid. She was treated with an appetite enhancing medication and thyroid medication gel that had to be rubbed into her ear. She never had kidney issues as she always drank a lot of water.

      Current kitty won’t drink water at all So we have to add a bit to her wet food.

      Good luck!

  43. Bluebell Brenham*

    Just for fun, one more socks question. When do you give up on a pair of socks? About 6 years ago I bought really nice socks on an overseas trip and today I realized that they have really worn down on one heel, and there will probably be a hole soon. I don’t think they can be fixed by mending. I’ve often mended socks if it’s just a small hole in the toe, but heels wearing through usually means I recycle the fabric. What say the other sock enthusiasts?

    1. Maryn*

      I say it’s time.

      Do you love them? Make ’em into sock puppets. You don’t need the heel to be good for that.

    2. Forrest Rhodes*

      I had a basket of mateless socks for way too long (a “see you later” gift from my nephew when he departed for military training) and couldn’t bring myself to simply throw them away.

      Discovered by accident that my local animal shelter can use them! The shelter folk were very excited when I asked, and said absolutely, they’d love to have some clean socks. Apparently, the socks are used as nests and hidey-holes for some of the snakes and smaller rodents; and when filled with rice and heated a bit in a microwave, they keep baby critters warm when the moms aren’t around.

      A small joy—of which I remind myself whenever I need a smile—was delivering that huge bunch of clean socks to the shelter.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        The snakes and the smaller rodents separately, of course; and it’s the socks, not the rodents, that’re filled with rice and heated up. I really should reread before posting …

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      I can’t darn (darn!). But I do mend socks, sometimes. However, I’ve found that mending a heel hole leaves an uncomfortable (although small) texture my foot doesn’t like. Also once there is a small hole it seems to rapidly escalate to the whole heel.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I knit socks from scratch and I do not mend socks. :) way less hassle (and more fun) to just knit a new pair.

    5. Girasol*

      I grew up darning sock heels. Mom insisted. But they were never comfortable and they never lasted long after darning anyway. So I’m in the camp with the folks who say when they get a hole in the heel, they go in the rag bag. If one goes before the other, I’ll wear mismatched pairs around the house.

    6. Angstrom*

      If there’s a hole in the foot but still good elastic in the leg, I cut the legs off and save them. Several uses — wrist covers, water bottle sleeves, etc.

  44. Elizabeth B.*

    What color shoes do you wear with navy blue skirts/pants?
    My partner wears black, I wear navy blue, and a friend from the other coast of the U.S. wears brown.
    There was an article about how black shoes became prevalent for dress wear because brown was the color of outdoor/rural footwear – “no brown in town”.
    Thoughts?

    2. HannahS*

      Black, generally. I don’t enjoy owning lots of pairs of shoes and I find that black works for all my cold-weather needs, except for my heavy duty walking boots, which are brown.

    4. Buni*

      If you’re wearing a brightly-coloured top it can look nice to match your shoes to that.

    6. allathian*

      I only have black shoes because they go with everything. A particularly nauseating combo I’ve only seen in an Italian Vogue was navy pants with tan/light brown shoes.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        I see businessmen on transit wearing brown shoes with navy suits. It seems to have been a style thing for at least a couple of years.

    7. Shoe Expectations*

      I’ve actually seen dress codes that specify black or navy dress shoes (obviously at places that require more formal dress generally).

      I have medical conditions that limit what shoes I can wear (and lately it’s down to just crocs – that’s fun for interviews!). For a long time I had to wear sneakers that came in all black or all white. I found the black could pass for fairly dressy most of the time but the white were clearly sneakers at a glance. If you want to come across as more formal I’d go with either black or navy. If you’re not trying to be as formal, I vote for matching the top (if you have such), especially if it’s a brighter color.

      1. Purple Stapler*

        Years ago (late 90s) when I had to dress up for work, I wore a lot of navy pants/skirts. I always wore navy shoes and navy hose.

    8. dapfloodle*

      Brown in general, but as someone else mentioned, if I have shoes that are the color of whatever shirt I am wearing with the pants, I might wear shoes that are that color instead.

    9. Purple Stapler*

      I have a female friend who always wears brown shoes with navy and it just doesn’t look right to me. She has brown and black dress shoes that are exactly the same and I’ve always wondered why she doesn’t wear black with navy. I’ve never said a thing to her, but always wondered.

      1. ThatGirl*

        In some cases navy and black can look too close in color, the brown offers a contrast. I don’t personally care but some folks do. And I do sometimes wear brown boots with dark jeans.

    11. Classic Winter*

      Navy or black. I’m cool-toned so I don’t do brown, but I think the combo is acceptable. It seems common for men to wear brown shoes with navy pants.

  45. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Definitely not looking for medical advice but – any success stories about reversing pre-diabetes?

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      When my blood sugar was trending a little high, I got the book *The End of Diabetes* by Joel Fuhrman and switched to a somewhat lower-carb, vegan-ish (with some exceptions — I’m not great at being totally vegan) eating plan. You can check out some of Furhman’s recipes for free on his web site. I lost a bunch of weight and had an amazing endocrinologist appointment where the doc was like, “Your bloodwork is spectacular!”

      That said, trying to follow this healthy eating plan worked great when I was scared about my blood sugar and for a good while after that when I wasn’t too stressed . . . but when I got really stressed out, I started eating badly again and have gained it all back. So, in my experience, it is possible to improve my blood sugar by eating better, but sticking with it under stress has been the hard part for me.

      1. Josame*

        I just checked this book out from my library, after reading your recommendation. I’m at the beginning of it and it’s already been very enlightening. Thank you for the recommendation.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          You are so welcome!

          Some tips — if you want to try his recipes, a lot of them depend on having a really strong blender, like a Ninja or something. Having the right tool like that helps a lot.

          I also didn’t stress too much if I had to swap out ingredients a little bit. I’d use sunflower seed butter instead of peanut butter and oat milk, water, or a small amount of real milk instead of nut milk, and dishes turned out fine.

          There are also further healthy recipes available in his other books, like *The End of Heart Disease*.

          I particularly liked Fuhrman’s desserts — they made me feel like I didn’t have to suffer when I was trying to eat healthy.

          The Black Bean brownies on his web site and his chocolate mousse with an avocado, banana, nut or oat milk, and date base both did a nice job of satisfying my sweet tooth, as did his “nice cream” made of banana, cocoa powder, and nut or oat milk. He also had some good cookies with a banana, oat, and apricot base, or something like that.

    2. Duicounselor*

      I made a very conscious effort to eliminate store-bought sweet items. Any desserts I have I make myself and use a low amount of sugar and fat. I make a lot of fruit, crisps, cornbread type things – I’m not someone who can eliminate carbs and sweets entirely the way some folks can. I have had good success with this although I have to admit over the holidays I wasn’t as successful.

      I also made a vow to myself to not eat sweet things for breakfast. Having a whole-grain breakfast of some kind, whether it’s toast, oatmeal, etc. has really helped with that. It doesn’t feel like giving up a lot and yet it is helped me reverse my A1c.

      I also stopped trying to make every single thing myself. I get pre-bagged salad, mixes, pre-chopped vegetables sometimes, and cooked proteins to add to my homemade dishes. The older I get the more I enjoy cooking, but I don’t have the patience to spend a couple of hours for dinner. So getting some things premade has helped me quite a bit to eat healthier.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      My friend’s husband went vegan and completely reversed it! It was a fascinating process. His doctor was dumbfounded. Which may say something, but I’m not in medicine…..

    4. sagewhiz*

      A dear friend’s mother astonished her doctors long ago when she reversed pre-diabetes by going on a *no white diet.* She stopped eating anything white: pasta, bread, potatoes, etc. (maybe even rice? Can’t remember)

    5. Teacher Lady*

      I cannot provide specifics (because I don’t have them), but a Boomer-aged family member was identified as pre-diabetic nearly 15 years ago and successfully got out and has stayed out of that range through some fairly aggressive-but-manageable diet modifications. The details that I’m sufficiently aware of are that they cut out basically all bread, pasta, and rice, substantially reduced use of sweeteners and alcohol, and committed to tracking the dietary elements they needed to monitor closely. I’d say the broader takeaway is to work with medical providers (including RDs) to identify low-lift dietary or other lifestyle changes one can make, or medium-lift changes one can fully lean into.

    6. FACS*

      Low grade exercise. You do not need to spend hours in the gym or train for a triathlon. Insulins job is to push sugar into cells. If you move around more you burn the glucose in muscle cells which creates more space for the insulin to work. The “no white food” is spot on in my experience.

      1. Part time lab tech*

        Yep, very regular exercise and no more than moderate carbs as part of your diet. Exercise can be a meander with a friend or a play at the beach for half an hour. I aimed for every day but considered 100% success as 5 or 6 days per week. (I have PCOS but the insulin resistance piece is very similar and notice improvements in my symptoms with exercise).

    7. HannahS*

      Yes, one of my relatives did it and so far has kept it at bay for a few years. I don’t know the exact details. They didn’t eat much that had added sugar to start with so it was more about increasing exercise (walking and pickleball) and reducing their overall intake, rather than cutting out specific foods.

    8. BlueWolf*

      Yes, my husband managed to reverse his. He was pre-diabetic partly due to pretty heavy drinking, which also contributed to wait gain. He completely stopped drinking for about three months, and also followed essentially a keto diet. He lost about 100 pounds. He didn’t track things obsessively, but mainly avoided carbs/sugar as much as possible. No pasta, rice, bread, or potatoes. We used cauliflower rice instead of regular rice. I found a keto beef stew recipe that uses radishes in place of potatoes. When roasted or cooked in a stew, radishes have a similar texture to potatoes, and their sharp flavor mellows out with cooking. Even though he doesn’t follow the keto diet strictly anymore, I’ll still often use some of the substitutes, like low carb tortillas.

    9. Anon for this today*

      Intermittent fasting has worked for me. I watched a bunch of you-tubes about how fasting allows the human body to become re-sensitized to insulin, and I bought Dr. Jason Fung’s book. He explains the theory really well, and the reasoning makes sense to me. (Of course, this is only applicable to Type Two.)

      My A1C was at 5.8 when I started in January of 2020 and it’s consistently gone down every year. (It was at 5.2 a couple months ago.) Most importantly, I can do this style of fasting without losing my mind.

      For the first couple years, I was pretty hard core— eating only about 2 hours out of 24. I have gotten *much* less rigid about it though, because I need to have it be workable for the long haul. I also need to avoid triggering my eating disorder issues— so flexibility and self-kindness are paramount to me.
      For instance, in the middle of the pandemic it is a true fact that for several weeks most of my daily calories came in the form of peanut M&M’s. Oh well! I just gently shepherded myself towards a shortened eating window each day. Not “the shortest window I could force myself into” because that kind of strictness just makes me feel abused and is totally counterproductive in the long term for me. Gentle nudges and forgiveness are what work best for me. I was surprised that even through all of that, my A1C continued to go down.

      I also learned about how dietary fat does not mess with insulin at all, and protein is second most insulin-neutral. Increasing my fat intake definitely helped overall, as counter-intuitive as that might seem. I really use this as part of my broader strategy, because if I am *not* restricting fats, then my body does no go into “starvation panic,” and my overall weight slowly trends downward (which is overall good, but not a goal I benefit from focusing on), AND my A1C keeps trending downward.

      If I, for whatever reason, need to eat at a “non-strategic” time in a day (feeling ill, or too much stress, or not enough sleep) I will eat something like eggs and butter, or a pork chop, or ground beef. Then I’ll have my planned meal later anyway— more of the same, but also with veggies, lol. So basically I am as flexible as possible, and yet I am still gradually trending in the right direction overall, and metabolically I am in excellent shape.

      I know people have a wide range of really different body chemistries and genetics, so I would never assume or suggest that there is a One True Way to achieving health. But I have succeeded in reversing pre-diabetes, and this is how I did it.

      (As a side note, I do generally avoid all the “white carbs” like bread, pastry, rice, potatoes, cookies, crackers, etc.— both because I too often cannot self-limit successfully and also because they make me feel ill in different ways. Even oats make me feel ill. So chocolate (72% to 85%) is my go-to sugar product, or frozen blueberries, or apples. I don’t know how much this has affected my experience, but it seems potentially relevant.)

  46. biscuit*

    Another Skype-related question: In recent years I’ve only used Skype as a cheap/easy way to place international calls to landline numbers, like if I need to call a hotel abroad about a reservation. I add maybe $10 to my Skype account and it lasts a few years since I don’t make international calls very often and they’re quite cheap on Skype.

    Now that Skype is shutting down, I need an alternative. What do other people use for very occasional international calls? I don’t have a landline – cell phone only, and I don’t think my cell phone plan would let me do international calls (or if so they would cost an arm and a leg).

    1. Observer*

      Look into options for your cell plan. That might be your least expensive option.

      There is a service called Boss Revolution that gives a very low cost per minute calls from the US to various countries. You can use a card with (old style, where you buy a card with X number of minutes; you call their number and then call through to your destination); an account (calling their number then to your destination) or an app.

      I personally haven’t used it in years, but my husband has been using it for years, calling his parents in a different country. Most of the rest of the family has either WhatsApp, Signal and / or a US number.

    2. allathian*

      If you’re in the US, Google Voice might work, if you haven’t quit using Google.

  47. The Weekend of Socks!!*

    I need black crew socks for a trip where it is going to be hot! Medium thickness. My current exercise socks are black Hanes cotton socks which are not too thin…but I think if I bring them they will just be wet and limp. Also would like to be able to only bring about 3 pair and wash them in the sink and let them dry over the course of 1 – 2 days.

    3. Generic Name*

      Get synthetic socks or thin wool (like smartwool). I know that polypropelene (unsure of spelling) was the advanced quick dry fabric for base layers in the 90s, but I have no idea if it’s still even a thing anymore. I’d look for anything that bills itself as wicking or quick dry and make sure it has no cotton content.

    4. Shiny Penny*

      After all my 10 year old socks died, I ended up finding a new kind of sock that fits really well and stays up (just under the knee) and isn’t too tight. And is extremely soft.
      Yay!
      Then it turns out the new socks are made out of bamboo and they are “too cold” for winter use! I had no idea that bamboo is a “cool” material. So now I have to start my search all over for tall warm winter socks.
      Maybe bamboo socks are what you need?

      I will say that the lovely softness (I think?) means my feet slip around in them more than I like, unless I put a bit of lotion on my soles first. I think that’s a dry skin “me” problem, though.

  48. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Craft thread! What are you working on?

    I just frogged most of a sweater – I got it enough done that I could try it on and just hated the way the pattern ended up fitting me. (It was super huge in the armpits and upper sleeves and I felt like I was about to try to smuggle cantaloupes.) I have some black and orange yarn in progress on my spinner and, as seems to be the theme for today, I am knitting on the second of a pair of socks. :)

    1. Don’t put metal in the science oven*

      I had to look up frogging a sweater & now know it means pulling out the stitches or unraveling. So while I’m sorry you had to do that, I was also delighted to learn it’s called frogging because it comes from the sound of “rip it, rip it,” which sounds like a frog’s croak.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        To undo one stitch at a time, like just to go back a few and correct a mistake, is called “tinking,” because “tink” is “knit” backwards :)

            1. Can't We All Craft Along?*

              Yeesh. I think the commenter was simply trying to engage with you as a crafter on the crafting thread.

        2. Josame*

          I often send virtual thanks to the knitting teacher who taught me how to tink! Before that I was frogging at every mistake.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve been doing a kind of abstract planet embroidery thing where I basically grabbed a handful of thread and beads that matched the vibe I wanted and started freestyling wavy shapes. I’m trying to make it as chunky and textured as possible and it’s very much not my usual style but I’m having a lot of fun! I set an arbitrary rule for myself that I’m not allowed to undo things so occasionally there will be a section I’m not thrilled with, but then I have to figure out how to balance it so it looks better. It’s turning out so pretty.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      I pieced a backing for a quilt top I made a while ago and took it in to be longarmed.

    4. Reba*

      Oof, I recently frogged a whole sweater, and this weekend I’m nearing the end of the redo project (a chunky cowl where I’m using the sweater yarn held double). And I now have a lot more appreciation for the people I’ve seen selling reclaimed sweater yarn at fiber fairs! it was a lot of work!!

    5. Dr. KMnO4*

      I went to a yarn tasting/drink tasting event last weekend! A yarn shop partnered with a bar that is right down the street to host the event. We got gift bags with 6 different small balls of yarn and the yarn store employees also went around explaining the yarn and showing off finished items made with the yarn. The owner of the bar gave us 6 samples of different drinks (very small amounts) and talked about where they source their ingredients (local as much as possible).

      Then the yarn store was open later than usual and the yarns that we “tasted” were all 20% off. I bought a couple of skeins of one of them to make a shawl with. I also bought a Mandalorian amigurumi crochet kit – it has patterns for all of the characters in the show, and enough yarn to make the Mandalorian and Baby Yoda. And after wandering around the store even further, I found an amigurumi book about cryptids and other creepy creatures (e.g., a kaiju, Chthulu, Loch Ness monster). I’m not the best at crochet, and especially not at crocheting as tight as you need to to make sure the stuffing doesn’t show through, but I’m practicing and having fun.

      Thus far I’ve made Baby Yoda’s floating bed thing, his head and body, and part of the body of a kaiju.

    6. The other OS*

      I hate sewing on a deadline, but my kid decided late on a Mardi Gras costume–party is tomorrow at his school and I finished it yesterday!! More than 24 hours early! So good for my stress levels. (Some of it won’t be my best work, but that is ok.)

      Also working on mounds of baby pants. All cut, just need to sew.

    7. not spring yet*

      In the middle of making my first quilt .. and my very best pair of Henckel scissors broke. The screw holding the two blades broke. Mechanically speaking, it should not be difficult to fix, but I have no idea where to take them. I live in the biggest city (in my country), but there’s no “Henckel repair center”.
      This doesn’t stop me working on the quilt, as I can use a rotary cutter. But, I’m a bit bummed about the scissors.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh no!! If you have a local (non-chain) quilting shop they may know who can do repairs on good scissors, or possibly whichever sharpening specialist sets up at your local farmers market when it’s in season? (I don’t think I’ve ever been to a farmers market without The Sharpening Guy haha.)

    8. HannahS*

      I made a pair of pyjama bottoms for myself and patched some of my daughter’s knit pants (the knees were wearing out.) She’s three and chose purple patches sewn with pink thread.

      Next up for me is a spring-y light green wool wrap skirt. I’ve joined the last sewist standing challenge on Instagram, and spent some time decluttering my sewing stash. It was an inspiring thing; it helped to show me that I actually have some great outfits waiting to be sewn, not just individual garments.

  49. Selecting a bp monitor*

    I’m looking for advice on selecting an upper-arm blood pressure monitor. There are so many brands and models and prices that I am stumped. I think the most important features are accuracy and ease of use (I’d be doing it by myself), but the reviews have about an equal number of positive and negative mentions of both.

    Am I missing other important considerations? Or would you recommend a specific model that you or someone in your household is using?

    1. Indolent Libertine*

      Not a specific model, but medical professionals told us Omron was a reliable brand when we were buying one a while back.

    2. Selecting a bp monitor*

      How did you decide which Omron model to get? The ones I’ve seen online range from like $50 to over $100 and I can’t figure out what differentiates them. (I like their naming scheme for the various models: iron, silver, gold, platinum) Hence my question: how to select a particular model? Why would I want to choose the $$$ Omron platinum instead of the $ Omron iron?

      1. Sue Smith*

        Some of them can be connected to Bluetooth/are wireless. Some have memory of lesser or greater amounts of previous readings. Think about if the extras are necessary. I have bought a basic Omron, and it lasted several years. I brought it into the doctors’ office, at their request, and it was calibrated just fine. I wrote down the readings in a little notebook, so I didn’t care about memory.

      2. 653-CXK*

        The Gold and Platinum have more features than the silver and iron, like dual memories, Bluetooth connectivity, etc. The silver and iron models are basic models that don’t have all the bells and whistles of the other models.

    3. Alyn*

      Make sure you measure your upper arm and that you get a cuff large enough to accommodate it. If the cuff is too small it will throw off readings.

      1. Selecting a bp monitor*

        I measured my upper arm, and I hope it isn’t too skinny for the cuff. They all go from 9 to 17 inches in circumference and my arm is just about 9″ around — it was tricky to keep the tape measure from slipping down and get an accurate measurement.

        At doctor visits, the nurse always lets me keep my long-sleeved top on for the bp measurement, so I would do the same at home if I needed it to keep the cuff snug. Hopefully any inaccuracy would remain consistent from day to day.

    4. Voluptuousfire*

      Omron is good. My dear friend’s husband ran a medical supply store and recommended that brand for a blood or

  50. Kindle Q*

    Is there a trick to finding free kindle books on Amazon? My search usually comes up with a mix of free kindle books mixed in with a lot of books that are free if you have audible or if you have kindle unlimited. I have neither of those. Thanks.

    1. Double A*

      I would imagine any way you find free books is going to involve some friction, because Amazon isn’t very incentivized to make it easy for you to find entirely free books.

      I’ve been following the BookSky thread on Bluesky and pretty frequently there’s promos for free or cheap books, usually posted by the publisher or author. I’ve download a half dozen or so in the past month, and I’m trying to only select ones that actually look interesting and decently written.

      And then there’s always checking ebooks out from the library.

      And then of course there’s public domain books.

    2. Madscientistnz*

      Have a look at ereaderiq. You can filter by genre and price, plus put alerts on books snd authors for price drops.
      Or google Amazon bestsellers kindle ebooks – this should get you to a amazon page where you can see top 100 paid and top 100 free books, and filter by genre.

      1. Kindle Q*

        Helpful, thanks, although looks like there will be too many romance novels (not my jam).

    3. RC*

      Sideways question: does your local library use Libby or similar? I’ve got like 5 library cards so if there’s something I’m looking for, probably one of them has it. You can read in the app or port out to Kindle, and text or audiobook is often available (also frankly, this past week I have been especially motivated to look for any way to not support that particular dude’s evil empire further, but anyway). Yay libraries!

      1. Liminality*

        Yep, came here to say this! Libby rocks!
        I love having access to the digital library collection from my phone or tablet!

    5. Sloanicota*

      I have noticed that Amazon actually makes the search by price deliberately crappy. If you put “lowest to highest” they always seem to have a bunch of clutter in the search that’s clearly not what you’re looking for, and they still list their “promoted” products out of order. I’d say there should be a law but …

    6. Anonymous Cat*

      Check out bookbub. You tell it what genres or authors you like and it lists free or on sale books.

      1. Reader*

        Came here to suggest the same thing! Book Riot also has ebook sale lists, but BookBub is way more comprehensive.

    7. *daha**

      I signed up for two daily emails. Each lists free to download books in the categories I selected. One is freebooksy and the other is thefussylibrarian. The author has paid a fee to have their book appear in the emails.
      Also – make your way to the Kindle Store on Amazon, and in the first white line down (as it appears to me) you can click on “Best Sellers & More”. Once you get there you can select “Top 100 Free”. The list changes frequently.

  51. DJ Abbott*

    Hi everyone,
    Is it ever done For an adult to wear a dress over a yoga pants? I have two excellent dresses – the same dress in different colors. They had to be altered, so I put about $160 each into them.
    I had to stop wearing them because they’re too short. Only come to mid-thigh. It made me feel self-conscious and unprofessional, and cold when I wasn’t wearing stockings.
    So I’m laying in bed with a cold and had an idea. Could I wear them over yoga pants? That would solve both the self-conscious and temperature problems.
    I’m going to try it on later and see how it looks. What do you all think?

    3. Alex*

      Do you mean, like, leggings? I do that all the time. It kind of depends on the dress, but in the winter a sweater dress + leggings + boots is one of my go-tos, and in the summer, I wear capri length leggings with casual dresses as a comfy outfit.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        I was thinking yoga pants. I have two pair that I’ve barely worn. They have a slim fit and straight leg.
        A pair of thick leggings might look ok, but regular winter stockings still give the impression of a skirt that’s too short.

        1. Alex*

          Yeah I am talking about thick leggings–cottony ones that are opaque. I wear similar things with a T shirt to workout sometimes. I’m not talking about stockings/tights.

          I think straight leg pants would be too bulky under a dress.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              My worry would be that if the skirt isn’t flared enough it would get staticky between the skirt and the yoga pants, or otherwise sit weird. Give it a shot though!

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m not clear on yoga pants – the ones I’m imagining have a flared leg – but I wear short dresses over fitted leggings all the time. I wear them with ankles boots, knee boots, or Vans.

        1. Hyaline*

          I’ll be 100% honest–I have a feeling the slight flare here will make the outfit look a little weird. But try it!

          If it doesn’t work, a similar weight pant with a legging cut might work well. I used to have a few shorter dresses that I’d wear with plain black leggings (for working in an office).

    6. HannahS*

      Try it and see if you like it. To be honest, a short dress over pants seems quite out of date to me; it was a thing in the mid-2000s and I think it might look a bit odd.

      But, I mean, I am currently dressed in baggy jeans and a giant sweater that I adore; this outfit feels amazing but makes me look quite a lot fatter than I am, and I don’t care because it’s so cozy and looking thin is not the be-all end-all of my clothing choices. So, genuinely, try it and see how you feel! You might love it and not care that it’s unusual.

    7. Sitting Pretty*

      Don’t let a cute dress go to waste! Yoga pants under it won’t make it any less cute. I think it will give it a nice personal touch and even make it pop a bit more than it would with a bare leg. Go for it! And enjoy every minute of strolling around town in your fun outfit!

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      There are gorgeous Indian outfits with a kind of tunic over pants. Not sure what it’s called, but I think you could riff on that!

      2. Be the Change*

        Salwar kameez or kurta pajama. They are wonderful and I wish they would take off here! The longer the tunic, the more formal it reads.

        A newer very common version for wealthier (and thus more westernized) Indian women is a kameez/kurta/long tunic over athletic type leggings.

    10. Reba*

      Sounds like you’re describing a tunic! Maybe if you look at some examples of long dressy tunic outfits you’ll get some ideas. I think they’ll look great with your slim stretch pants.

    11. Dark Macadamia*

      Personally I wouldn’t with the style you linked but if it’s comfy and you like it, go for it! I wear fitted leggings with that type of “is it a tunic? is it a dress?” top. Ankle length most of the time but I have a few that go just over my knees that I wear with dresses in summer.

    12. ItDepends*

      I live in cold weather country and unless you’re going somewhere dressy it’s very common to wear pants under skirts/dresses. It stands out a bit more in warmer climates.

    13. DJ Abbott*

      Thanks everyone! I tried it on and it looks fine, so I’ll try wearing it. The legs are straight enough that it doesn’t look strange with the dress.
      You all have given me the confidence to go forward with it, and I’m sure it will be comfortable and practical. Thanks again, and have a good week! :)

    14. Spreadsheet Queen*

      I don’t normally wear a dress over yoga pants, but I have when traveling when there is a chilly day or evening. It works better for some dresses than others. (You can wear yoga pants as pants; you cannot wear leggings as pants). I wear dresses over leggings ALL THE TIME (at home) with mid-calf to knee-high boots.

      I also often wear dresses over what are essentially black thermal underwear base layers (mostly polyester with a little spandex) and boots. They are lighter weight than leggings, kind of slick so the fabric of the dress and the fabric of the base layer do not stick together, and more comfortable than tights (no sausage waist!). Nobody has ever blinked. Even at the office. And many of my dresses and skirts run shortish because I’m 5’8″.

  52. Prawo Jazdy*

    Rant – why are book introductions/ prefaces/ forewords so bad and self-defeating? I listen to a lot of audiobooks and I now *always* skip the intro (although sometimes I circle back to it after the book is over)

    I’ve found that the intros typically consist of:

    1. Someone who I’ve never heard of relates their own personal experience discovering the book in college (how fascinating), gleefully spoiling as much of it as possible while filtering it through their own very strange opinions.

    2. The author themself looks back at the book decades after its publication in a somewhat embarrassed way, apologizes for much of its content, and assures us that it was a product of its time that would never be written today.

    Sometimes they even stack up multiple introductions so that you get an hour of this stuff before the book even begins. In all cases the intros leave me with a lower opinion of the book itself and make me question whether I want to even proceed with reading it.

    2. Morning Reader*

      I don’t mind an actual introduction, e.g. a first chapter that says what the book is about, for nonfiction. My pet peeve is clicking on “sample,” and the sample starts with “this book is a production of…” and so on with publisher info that takes up the first few minutes of the sample. If I’m sampling, it’s usually to hear the voice of the narrator to find out if it’s appealing and understandable. (I often have trouble with accents although I appreciate the effort to voice characters authentically.) Giving a sample that is not the reader’s voice is not helpful.

    3. Reba*

      So they can market it with “a new forward by So and So”?

      With classics there is usually an intro that gives a scholarly veneer (and yes so many spoilers because I suppose literary scholars are writing to an audience that has read all these books already).

      For the author ones, I feel about them like artists’ statements .. it’s good for the artists to write them for the thinking exercise, but the public shouldn’t read them ;) even the ones that are like “thank you so much, I would never have dreamed this book would touch so many people” I feel like, okay? You’re welcome?? Adding nothing.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Also books outside the copyright period are free, so distributors need to dress it up with SOMETHING so they can charge for this edition.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      I like written ones for stuff like Dracula: the one in the Bantam edition? I think? The paperback with the cover of “Man and Woman Contemplating the Moon”–was really well written and not too self-indulgent.

      I get much more frustrated with footnotes/end notes where you have to keep flipping back and forth to get the framing of what’s going on.

  53. Bibliovore*

    I found a retreat at the end of August in Normandie. I plan to go three days earlier to deal with jet lag and recovery from the trip.
    I am looking for recommendations for 3 days in France- could be in Paris, could be somewhere else.
    Anyone have any suggestions?
    I have never been to France except for the airport.
    What I love-good food, libraries and bookstores, mineral baths and massages, music. Dogs and knitting.
    Can do short walks.

    1. The other OS*

      I’ve only been to Paris, but loved it! The art museums alone are a fantastic pull for me. But it is OVERRUN, so worth finding spots at least slightly off the beaten path. For me, that meant walking. Just picked a direction and walked and found interesting things.

      If you fly through Charles de Gaulle airport, do make provisions for your luggage to get misplaced for a day or three. Just FYI.

      1. till Tuesday*

        Highly recommend Paris, and take taxis to art Museums. Great food will be easy to find.

    2. Generic Name*

      I’m so glad you’re doing this! I’ve been following your story, and I really admire you.

    3. PM by Day, Knitter by Night*

      Just got back from Paris and recommend the following:
      – The G7 app for taxis
      – The Rodin Museum. It was much less crowded than the Louvre, at least last month. (August will be tougher.) Les Invalides was also quite uncrowded if you have any interest in history/military history. Or seeing Napoleon’s taxidermized horse.
      – If it’s still there, the fashion exhibit at the Louvre, which was stunning. Even with the crowds.
      – If you’re in the neighborhood, Les Tricoteurs Volants is a cute yarn store with some European brands I hadn’t seen. There was a dog. We stayed a couple of blocks away, so I stopped in. I had wanted to visit Lil Weasel but didn’t get there.

    4. Wino Who Says Ni*

      If you’re into it, the area is known for its apple production and is an historic producer of ciders and apple brandies, as well as pear products. No personal experience with it, but there are many producers.

  54. British Comedy*

    Does anyone have suggestions for British comedy podcasts that are accessible in the United States? I like The Unbelievable Truth and I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, but recently finished all the available episodes.

    2. Puffle*

      The News Quiz and You’re Dead to Me are two of my favourites, I *think* they’re available outside the UK- I normally listen on the BBC Sounds app, but I believe they’re on most podcast platforms

      1. New hybrid supervisor*

        I’m in the US and listen to podcasts and live BBC Radio via BBC Sounds. Here is the unfavorable bit about listening on Apple Podcasts, for example. If you listen on BBC Sounds, even outside the UK, there are NO ads. If you listen on Apple Podcasts in the US, there are ads. I hate ads, so I listen on BBC Sounds.

    3. Maestra*

      I like the Off Menu podcast with James Acaster and Ed Gamble. They interview different celebrities about what their dream menu would be if they could have whatever they wanted. Not living in the UK, I usually only listen to episodes when they interview people I’ve heard of, but there’s a good mix of people from shows I watch or more global celebrities that I listen to most episodes.

      1. Anon Poster*

        Seconding Off-Menu. I’ve recently gotten into Taskmaster, so I’ve been downloading older Off-Menu episodes that feature contestants as I make my way through the seasons.

        I also love You’re Dead to Me, it’s entertaining and I learn new things.

    4. Jay*

      The Beef And Dairy Podcast.
      I am trying to find a good way to describe it, but I’ve never encountered anything quite like it. Sort of mocumentary, but stranger than that.
      The best I can do is Monty Pythons Flying Farm Report.
      It’s not quit right, either.
      But it IS hilarious and a genuinely fun listen.
      It’s one you will have to try to understand.

      1. Hesitation Repetition Deviation*

        BBC comedy podcasts have been my go-to escapism since the pandemic. Just a Minute, The News Quiz and You‘re Dead To Me are all excellent. The first two are panel shows, the third is a comedic take on various historical topics.

        You may also like Unspeakable, Breaking the News, Chloe Petts‘ Toilet Humour, One Person Found This Helpful, Natalie Haynes Stands up for the Classics, You Heard it Here First and Paul Sinha‘s Perfect Pub Quiz.

    5. Puffshroom*

      As mentioned you should be able to listen to almost anything on the BBC Sounds app (I’m outside the UK and occasionally things are not available due to rights, but if they’re not made by the BBC you can normally find them on other podcast players) and you can just search through the comedy. And it’s not on there at the moment but if Cabin Pressure comes back I HIGHLY recommend – it’s also available for purchase on Audible. It’s a sitcom rather than a panel show, and it’s absolute comedy perfection. (Also features Benedict Cumberbatch before he was super famous!) The writer, who also plays one of the main characters, is called John Finnemore, and he also has a sketch show called John Finnemore’s Souvenir Programme, which I find more uneven than Cabin Pressure but has some good moments.

  55. StudentA*

    Hair color brands?

    Does anyone here have extremely sensitive skin, including on your scalp? I break out over the slightest thing. It’s gotten worse, so I haven’t colored my hair in ages. Help?

    1. Healthcare Worker*

      I have the same problem! I can’t use all over color, so I had my hair stylist do foils in my hair. She placed a cream barrier on the skin around my hairline and on my ears, and that kept my skin from breaking out. This past year I’ve decided to embrace the gray, and it looks better than I anticipated!

  56. StrayMom*

    Occasionally, there had been a weekend thread regarding wildlife sightings, and today I finally have something unusual to share – an armadillo! We’re vacationing in Hilton Head SC, and upon Google searching, I read that armadillos have been increasing in numbers throughout South Carolina. This guy/gal, unfortunately, was lying in a ditch by the side of the road, so I’m afraid it was hit by a car.

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