weekend open thread – March 15-16, 2025

by Alison Green on March 14, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Rachel Incident, by Caroline O’Donoghue. A best friendship is upended when one of the friends begins an affair with a married professor. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. reading thread*

    Reading thread! What are you reading and what do you think of it?

    I just finished the Safekeep which was one of the recommendations here a few weeks ago and wow, it took my breath away when I realized what was going on. (I won’t spoil it.)

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I finished “The Great Believers”, which was really good but had my frequent pet peeve of mixing a lackluster modern storyline with an excellent historical one. I felt so immersed and invested in the 1980s chapters but the 2015 ones felt pretty much unnecessary to me, like the story I wanted kept getting interrupted. Still a nice read overall, sad but in a cozy/comforting way.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I finished the mystery short story collection *The Adventures of Ellery Queen*. It was okay–some of the mysteries were easier to figure out than others. Content warning for some racist language in the story “Three Lame Men.”

        I did not finish Toni Cade Bambara’s *The Salt Eaters*, which had some magical realism and stream of consciousness and also wasn’t the most informative about who was speaking all the time. It was a cool story — about women with healing, magical powers, about activism, about sexism in activist movements — but I just wasn’t cognitively up to the difficulty of reading it right now.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I liked it too, and I 100% agree with you — we could have just skipped the later parts of the book and stayed in the 1980s! A really good look at the AIDS crisis in Chicago in the 80s.

        1. Education Mic*

          Totally agree! I love the 80s plotline so much that I have read the book three times and consider it one of my favorites, but the modern plotline was just something to get through to get back to the 80s. I loved Yale so much, he felt completely real to me and when I finished the book the first time I felt sad and missed him.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Yeah, I had just come from reading Girl with the Louding Voice (book club pick I wouldn’t have chosen for myself) and abandoning Parable of the Talents (good but Too Much) which were both sad in the “brutal suffering” way so the comparative “quiet grief” type of sadness in this one was a better reading experience. Like I didn’t “enjoy” the book but it struck a chord I appreciated.

      4. Anna*

        Tove Ditlevsen! I found Vilhelm’s room by this to me previously unknown author left by the previous house owner. It really blew me away, so dark, true and funny. I the found out that her Copenhagen trilogy had recently been translated to English and made the NYT list of 10 best books. So I read all I could find. Triology is a masterpiece, but Vilhelm’s room is ever better. You English speakers will have to wait until September for a translation, but enjoy the triology.

      5. Teacher Lady*

        Agreed! I found the contemporary storyline uninteresting, and I remember finding the connection between the two rather tenuous.

      6. Mrs. Frisby*

        I loved The Great Believers and don’t remember having that issue with the two timelines (it’s been a long time since I read it though; it was an early COVID read for me), but in general I so agree with you about the two timelines thing. It’s a trope that’s been done way too much at this point and I pretty much actively avoid books that I know are like that because I’m always way more invested in one story than the other (and it’s pretty much always the historical story that I’m more invested in!).

      8. Andrew*

        As a gay man in his 30s, I consider this one of the most important novels I’ve ever read, as it’s what directly led me to get on PrEP/pre-exposure prophylaxis, i.e. medication taken preemptively to reduce the chance of getting HIV. (Taken properly, it reduces the risk by 99%.)

        I cried more than once reading the book. No specific spoilers, but I think it goes without saying that a novel set in the 1980s among gay men is not exactly going to be a happy-go-lucky story.

        After I finished it I thought, for the gay men in this novel, PrEP would absolutely have appeared to be a unimaginable miracle in the 1980s — and I shouldn’t take it for granted and decided to talk to my doctor about it to start the prescription.

        It’s not that I was opposed to PrEP by any means before; I just wasn’t very educated about it. But the novel really brought home to me what it must have been like to live through the 1980s as a gay man and see all your friends dying around you; imagining what that be like for me (I’ve even lived in Chicago and had a circle of gay friends!) and realizing that had I been born 30 years earlier, I would almost certainly have been in the exact same situation, really was the last impetus I needed.

        1. OaDC*

          It really brought home the feeling around acquiring a disease that was an inevitable death sentence. Something that is not common in our current times (and tends to be met with a “well you’ll beat it anyway” response when it does occur.)

      9. Annie Blue*

        Loved “The Great Believers”! I agree, the modern storyline wasn’t as good. I was in college in the 1980s; I didn’t know much about what was going on in the outside world and this book helped fill in some gaps.

    2. Strive to Excel*

      I have gone back to a childhood comfort series and reread Talking To Dragons, by Patricia Wrede. The adventures of a princess who decides she’s not interested in Proper Princess behavior, so she goes off to work for a dragon. It’s an excellent little lighthearted take on the “twist a fairy tale” genre and I highly recommend it for middle schoolers and up. Wrede has some more serious young adult/adult fiction that’s good too.

      1. Blooper*

        I read this book as an adult (just last year) and absolutely loved it. I even have it on my list to gift to a niece :)

      2. Teacher Lady*

        I’ve given this book to a couple of my 5th graders, and it’s been received positively! (In fact, now that I think about it, I need to check in with the last kid I gave it to and see what she did with it after she finished it…)

      3. Dr. KMnO4*

        I love that series, and reread it every couple of years. I love how practical the main characters are, and how the author works the traditional fairy tale tropes into the story in interesting ways.

      4. Anon-E-Mouse*

        On the same theme, for younger readers, I recommend Robert Munsch’s The Paperbag Princess. The princess rescues the prince by outsmarting a dragon – and then dumps the prince when he criticizes her for not being feminine enough.

        I give this book it to newparents (of boys and girls).

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        My sister was just recommending Rebecca to me (in the context of saying she’s bored now that her kids have grown up and left home and she feels like she needs all the work of running a big house that Rebecca had to deal with to keep herself entertained — I told her she needs to crochet, make sourdough, and foster cats*). Are you liking it?

        * I think she’s going to foster cats.

          1. PhyllisB*

            Rebecca is great!! I love Gothics and wish I could find more. I just discovered I have two Victoria Holts in my gargantuan pile of books. I’m. sure I read them in my teens or twenties but I may read them again. If you like that genre, you might Heroes are my Weakness by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. It’s a modern Gothic.
            If anyone has anymore suggestions along this line I would love to hear them.

            1. PhyllisB*

              I know about and have read most of the old mistresses of Gothic, Mary Stewart, Charlotte Armstrong Phyllis Whitney and Victoria Holt. I was just wondering if there are newer authors who write these.

            2. cleo*

              Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie is a modern retelling of The Turn of the Screw. It came out 10 ish years ago and is set in the 90s.

              I think the isolated, creepy house style of gothic would be harder to believably pull off in a contemporary setting, because of smart phones and Google, etc (although I’m sure it’s been done).

            3. Mephyle*

              Joan Aiken.

              Not all her books are Gothic; she wrote a variety of genres, but all are entertaining. Young people’s adventure series, Jane Austen sequels and retellings from other points of view, Regency and other period adventure novels, modern and period Gothic…

          2. Education Mic*

            It is SO great. It’s one of those books obviously written 50-100 years ago but the emotions feel so modern and relevant.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          The series My Life is Murder, with Lucy Lawless, is set around the idea of a police detective who retires from policing to bake sourdough bread, but winds up consulting on the occasional interesting murder. A possible life path!

        3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Oh, you (and everyone, I feel) should totally read *Rebecca*, and don’t let anyone spoil for you any of the surprises that pop up in the plot. It starts slowly, but it gets more and more exciting.

          The book is still good if you’ve seen the movie (which is slightly, but not that materially, different, but it would be even better if you didn’t know what was coming.

          And to anyone whose gaydar/transdar is picking up some stuff as you read, it’s not your imagination! Daphne DuMaurier was bi, as I think one of DuMaurier’s sisters was, and I think the third sister was a lesbian. As a teen, DuMaurier also lived for a couple of years identifying as a boy.

          After you read *Rebecca*, you might be interested in Mary Wings’s *Divine Victim*, which is a lesbian re-imagining of *Rebecca*. It’s not nearly as fun to read and is a rather difficult read (content warning for lesbian domestic violence/sexual assault), but it is a super-creative and interesting take on what happens in the original novel.

          1. Charlotte Lucas*

            It was Jasper Fforde’s The Eyre Affair that got me to read Rebecca.

            I love du Maurice’s use of scents. And there’s some interesting things about names, too.

            1. amoeba*

              Oh, I need to re-read that one! I hadn’t read most of the referenced books when I did the first time years ago, so it should be an even better experience now. Still have to actually finish Jane Eyre first, though, haha!

              I did enjoy Rebecca more than I would’ve thought – somehow more modern than I imagined. To be fair, I had zero clue when it was even written before I picked it up!

          2. Car*

            I love Rebecca! I first read it when I was in high school, and I’ve reread it several times since. Time for a reread!

          3. Eli*

            The movie version of Rebecca is different from the book in that it’s a love story; the book is doing something very different with romance tropes.

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              Hitchcock also had to make changes to fit the Hayes Code–not violating the plot per se, but the motivations and consequences.

          4. Slinky*

            I agree! I read Rebecca in high school. I already knew the twists from watching one of the adaptations, but I ate it up at the time. It’s a fantastic read!

        4. goddessoftransitory*

          I love Rebecca; it’s one of those books where style and plot are just doing a seamless waltz.

        5. Elizabeth West*

          This has been one of my favorites for YEARS. We watched the movie in my Language Arts class in middle school. (Come to think of it, that teacher showed us quite a few good movies.) I’ve read it I don’t even know how many times and can quote from it.

          “And Favell began to laugh, the laugh of a drunkard, high-pitched, forced, and foolish, all the while twisting Rebecca’s note between his fingers.”

          HIGHLY recommend.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            “Even if we had been stranded on a desert island, and lived there in intimacy for the rest of our lives, I should have been Mrs. DeWinter.”

      2. GoryDetails*

        I LOVE Rebecca! I first read it in my late teens, and got so involved that I just kept on reading straight through – quite literally couldn’t put it down. (I read pretty fast, but it still kept me up until the wee small hours of the morning.) The 1940 film adaptation (while it does have some differences from the novel) is my favorite; Judith Anderson’s portrayal of Mrs. Danvers was deliciously chilling.

        I do re-read the book now and then, and even knowing all the details I still enjoy it. It’s my favorite du Maurier work, and among my favorite novels across the board.

        Second-favorite du Maurier novel: The House on the Strand, a very eerie one indeed.

    4. CeeLee*

      I finished listening to Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki by Haruki Murakami. I read a lot of his books years ago and always liked them. This one was darker than the others, and more upsetting.

      My evening Kindle read has been the Artefacts of Ouranos series. I’m finishing up on the 3rd book, and though there are also some dark parts, it’s overall an enjoyable romantasy series.

      1. Slinky*

        Murakami also has a new book, if you haven’t read it yet. It’s a many-years-later revisiting of the world in Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of the World. It’s much longer, but I really enjoyed it. It was interesting to revisit that world (for me, 20 years after I read it, and for Murakami, nearly 40 years after he published it). Definitely sad in places but not as dark as Tsukuru.

        1. amoeba*

          Ooooh, thanks, have to get that one! I’m somehow in a bit of a slump and Murakami’s always something that feels easy to get into for me.

    5. Crop Tiger*

      Dungeon Crawler Carl book 4, Gate of the Feral Gods. Not high literature, but I’m invested.

    6. Reader Robert*

      I’m reading The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean. Just started but definitely not what I expected. Should have read the cover a little more closely.

      1. carcinization*

        I just turned that book back in at the library after finishing it. I didn’t like it as much as I expected to. I think sometimes it might have needed more showing than telling or something? Not sure.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      I reread Killers of a Certain Age because I so enjoyed the sequel, Kills Well with Others. Four assassins–initially recruited for being pretty young women everyone underestimates; now 60 year old women everyone underestimates–are given a retirement cruise, on which they discover their employer is trying to kill them. Assassinating ensues.

      I picked up The Conductors by Nicole Glover, magical alternate history set in 1871 Philadelphia. Main character, Hetty, was a conductor on the Underground Railroad and now uses those skills to solve mysteries the authorities overlook, since the crimes are committed against the Black residents of Philly. So far really engaging.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        These sound so good! I already had another of Nicole Glover’s books on my to-read list but I’m adding this one too

      2. Elitist Semicolon*

        I am delighted to know that Killers of a Certain Age has a sequel!! I just finished it yesterday.

    8. Lizard*

      I’ve switched to reading one chapter of Vanity Fair a week so that I can read other things the rest of the week. I’m estimating that I’ll finish it in November, but I think I’ll appreciate it more.

      Finished:
      The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood. I really liked how it tied together with the first book in the series (Oryx and Crake), even though the main characters were completely different.
      The Case of the Missing Servant by Tarquin Hall. It’s a good, solid mystery. If you’re anything like me, you should make sure that you have access to Indian food while you’re reading it so that you don’t get to jealous of his meals.
      From The Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. I hadn’t read this since my dad read it to me, so it was a lot of fun to revisit.

      Currently reading:
      The City of Brass by S.A. Chakraborty – enjoying it so far!
      The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley. It’s a fun idea, but I’m really struggling with the writing. She uses as lot of weird metaphors and adjectives that distract me from the story. I think I would probably prefer it as a Mork and Mindy-style sitcom.

        1. Lizard*

          I’ve seen them on my dad’s bookshelf for ages, and I finally got around to reading one! I’m looking forward to “The Case of the Deadly Butter Chicken” whenever the time comes.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I love that you’re getting into the spirit of treating a 19th-century novel as a serial! Great idea!

          1. Lizard*

            I’m enjoying this reading method so far! The fact that it was written a month at a time definitely nailed down the decision for me.

      3. Kai Rose*

        I whipped through Ministry of Time and had a blast, but yeah, it was weird and when I finished it I handed it to my husband and said, “I think you’d like this, I don’t know why and I’m not sure what I just read.” I like your sitcom idea.

        1. Lizard*

          I’ve heard that the ending gets wild/more action-y, so maybe that will be enough to distract me from my complaints about the writing!

      4. Hoary Vervain*

        I’m not sure if I’ve gotten recs from you before but I feel like I’m going to try everything on this list because about half of the are books or authors I already love and I feel like we might have similar tastes. Was the Basil E Frankenweiler read inspired by the thread a couple weeks ago about children’s books?

        1. Lizard*

          I saw that you just read The Broken Earth Trilogy, which I also liked! So there’s another point for similar tastes.

          I must have missed the children’s books thread! My brother likes to do some of his remote work from museums, and I keep telling him that he’s like the kids in ‘From the Mixed-Up Files’. So when I needed a short book during a trip, this seemed like the perfect fit.

    9. Charlotte Lucas*

      I finished Piranesi, loved it, and just bought my own copy for a future reread.

      I am now reading Artists in Crime, as part of my project to read all Ngaio Marsh’s mysteries.

      1. Marmalade Today*

        Can you tell me, please, if Piranesi has a plot? I’ve read the free sample a few times, and come away unsure.

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          It does! It’s a slow burn but it does. I wasn’t blown away but I was glad when I finally finished it.

        2. word nerd*

          Piranesi is one of my favorite books–it most definitely has a plot. I highly recommend it! (The audiobook version is excellent if you decide to go that route.)

        3. GoryDetails*

          I adore Piranesi, and yes, it does have a plot, though as Hoary Vervain said it’s a bit of a slow burn. Once things get moving it becomes quite riveting, and it surprised me in so many ways! (I didn’t think I’d like it as much as Clarke’s marvelous Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, which blew me away, but it turns out I find it at least as good – though very, very different.)

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          I also had a really hard time getting into Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell (which I read years ago), and I didn’t realize they were by the same author until I was partway through Piranesi and wondering what was going on and if I should keep going. In both cases I was glad I did.

          1. Charlotte Lucas*

            Interesting, because I was hooked on both right away.

            By the time you end Piranesi, you realize that’s the only way it could be told due to who narrates it.

    10. Jackalope*

      I just started We’ll Prescribe You a Cat, by Syou Ishida. I feel like I may have heard about it here, but not sure. It’s about a mysterious clinic that prescribes cats to all of the people who come in, and the stories of those people and their new cats. I’d say it’s kind of magical realism, although that’s just based on vibes and not an official determination. I would definitely recommend it.

      1. Jackalope*

        I forgot; I also read the latest in Seanan McGuire’s Incryptid series. It’s just came out this week, and I rushed through it. So much fun, and I love that series a lot. For anyone who is interested, it’s a series about a family of cryptid zoologists (fantasy/sci-fi -ish). I’d recommend starting back at the beginning, though, since this book won’t make sense if you don’t know who anyone is.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I remembered this one was coming out and reread the previous one first, and I’m so glad I did.

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        I read We’ll Prescribe You a Cat, and the ending was kind of bonkers to me. I felt like it was a completely different book from the first chapters.

    11. Bluebell Brenham*

      A lot of female-centered reading this week. Started with Blob, which Alison recommended. I liked it, but definitely think it could have been better. Then read Chelsea Devantez’s excellent memoir I Shouldn’t be Telling you This [but I’m Going To Anyway]. Definitely a notch above most comedy writer memoirs. Now I’m reading Perfume and Pain by Anna Dorn. Very messy main character and I’m liking it, but not loving it.

    12. Christina*

      Herc. Absolutely hate it, but I’m 75% done and am now just seeing how bad it can get. The description said for fans of Song of Achilles (which I loved), told with humor and heart, feminist, queer retelling, etc. No. It’s terrible on every level. It’s written from multiple first-person points of view but somehow they all sound the same, which is like a whiny teen twitch streamer (stole that description from a review I read once I was halfway through).

      But also rereading So Big, which I love and highly recommend that for just a really nice book.

    13. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I seem to be on an accidental run of historical literature about women rebelling against a sexist world. Unfortunately stories of women’s lives being so limited make me more mad than inspired, so i should probably avoid those for a bit.

      Rough Trade: Slow burn thriller about 3 ruthless women who have found power in being criminals (two were previously Pinkerton detectives) in late 1800s PNW. The mastermind who uses wealth and seduction to run an opium smuggling ring, the train robber hiding in plain sight because no one’s looking for a woman, and the crew boss on the docks living as a man. Interesting context and queer themes but overly long IMO.

      The Hazelbourne Ladies Motorcycle and Flying Club: Following WWI, women are being pushed out of jobs and into “suitable marriages” and a group of ladies in seaside Britain are trying to find creative solutions to living on their own terms. Lots of class / social conflicts and the trauma of war.

      What the River Knows: I think this is classified as YA — a fantasy / adventure story about a wealthy, stubborn Argentinian girl who runs away to Egypt in the late 1800s to find out what happened to her dead parents who were amateur archaeologists.

      All the women being told they can’t go anywhere unescorted, can’t wear pants, can’t work because it’s unseemly, and really should just get married because that’s the correct order of things wore me down at this point so I picked up Donna Andrews Gone Gull for a palate cleanser.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        One of the things I found most infuriating in Jill Lepore’s *Secret History of Wonder Woman* (which blends a lot of feminist history with the biography of Wonder Woman’s creator), was how a lot of women were signing up for Ph.D. programs after World War I and were deliberately purged/kept out of some of them so that the programs became much more male-dominated. (Looking at you, Columbia University.). Absolutely maddening.

        1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

          Definitely maddening! It’s so wrong. I was familiar with this phenomenon post WWII but WWI is newer to me. Which makes sense of course, the same dynamics would have been in play. I just hadn’t read about it.

          I am not a latecomer to feminism nor ignorant of history but I have reached a deeper awareness of how insidious and pervasive this desire to diminish women is — and always has been :(

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Halfway through The City and its Uncertain Walls–liking it so far! Hoping the central mystery resolves with satisfaction.

      Also about halfway through The Blanket Cats, which I’m enjoying. It’s a kind of magical realism novel but without any overt magic, if that makes sense, and the author isn’t afraid to take what seems to be one kind of person and show how they are actually the opposite.

      For breakfast reading I’m rereading the last (so far) Shirley Jackson collection, Let Me Tell You. I just love her combination of sardonic observation, dread, and private versions of reality.

    15. Six Feldspar*

      Currently reading Black Water Sister by Zen Cho.

      Recently finished a set of PD James short stories which I liked, I’m pretty picky about the voice and style of detective novels and it’s great to find another author that matches what I’m after.

    16. Shakti*

      American Midnight by Adam Hochschild and the buccaneers by Edith Wharton both are excellent

    17. Lemonwhirl*

      Currently reading “Rainbow Black” by Maggie Thrash. I’m only about a quarter through it, and I love the narrator. The book is set in 1990 and is about a 13-year old girl whose parents are arrested for alleged Satanic crimes at their home-run daycare. It’s beautifully written and the characters are complex and complicated. Really enjoying it so far.

      Earlier this week, I finished “Open Season” by Jonathan Kellerman. It’s his 41st book in the Alex Delaware series. Like other books, it’s competent and interesting and easy to read. There’s also something comforting about returning to these characters amid a time of so much chaos and have everything be the same and proceed as expected.

      Audibook-wise, I finished “The Choice” by Gillian McAllister, which is like “Sliding Doors” but in book form and involving a crime. Each chapter flips between “Conceal” and “Reveal”. Now I’m listening to “Famous Last Words”, also by Gillian McAllister. It’s about a woman whose husband commits an unthinkable crime and then disappears. I really love McAllister’s writing and how she seems very fascinated by the decisions people make and looking at inflection points.

    18. English Rose*

      Last week’s recommendation, The Uncommon Reader by Alan Bennett.
      Queen Elizabeth II takes up reading in the sunset of her life, gets hooked and starts neglecting her royal duties.
      Absolutely loved it, so happy to have found it. So imaginative and funny with poignant moments too.

      1. Reluctant Mezzo*

        Oh, I read that and I loved it! The life of the mind is often closed to royals because of all the other stuff they’re scheduled for.

    19. Teacher Lady*

      I’m about halfway through The Stone Sky by N.K. Jemisin (the final book in the Broken Earth trilogy). I’m liking it better than the previous installment, I think because there’s more world-building around the types of people who inhabit the world, which was something I really liked about the first book.

      I also started Ariel Lawhon’s The Frozen River mid-week (on Wednesday night I wanted to read, but I just didn’t have the brain capacity for SFF). Too early to form an opinion of it.

      This week I’ll also be starting one of my Namibia books in honor of Namibian Independence Day on Friday, and I have at least two other library holds coming in, so I’ll be busy!

      1. Hoary Vervain*

        That’ll teach me to comment before reading *all* the way through the thread! Hard agree on liking the other books better than the first. I think it was really necessary set-up but I didn’t find it particularly enjoyable (in my case, mostly for all of the sad, sad deaths).

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          Nope, also failed to read your comment fully…haha. But we agree on liking the third book! Shouldn’t post while hanging with children and before coffee…

          1. Teacher Lady*

            LOL, been there.

            While I didn’t have any issues with the world-building generally, I found the ways that the roles that different groups of beings played (or were made to play!) in the world to be the most interesting part of the world-building. I don’t read a ton of post-apocalyptic SF, and there wasn’t anything about the setting of the series I found wanting, but it was also kind of like “Yeah, okay, a bad thing happened and now everything’s bad, been there done that.” The different beings (orogenes, guardians, stone eaters) were the parts that made this world intriguing for me, and I found that I missed the exploration of those groups in the second book.

        1. Teacher Lady*

          I did too! What region did you serve in? I was in Hardap Region.

          I have The Purple Violet of Oshaantu and Born of the Sun. I also have The Kaiser’s Holocaust, but I’m leaning more towards a fiction selection right now.

            1. Teacher Lady*

              Nice! My now-husband’s site for our initial 2 years was outside Khorixas, so I spent a little time there and up in Opuwo. I have some great memories of travel up that way, and also some not great memories of the gastrointestinal distress that came with drinking the water in Opuwo…live and learn.

    20. Hoary Vervain*

      I finally finished the Broken Earth Trilogy by NK Jemisin. Thanks to everyone who responded when I asked if I should keep going. I put it down for a hot sec to read a happier book and then went back to it, and I’m really glad I did. The second and third book were a lot less gut-wrenching for me and I really enjoyed the ride! It’s definitely a dark setting and some (really) dark stuff happens but the storytelling is so good it’s worth it!

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I’m glad you stuck with it and found it worthwhile! I’ve been wanting to reread them but I think they’ll be too bleak for me right now.

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          How much I liked the series was actually really eye-opening for me! The darkness really was important to the story and the characters and there was hope and beauty to be found despite it all. I found that surprisingly comforting, probably because of…everything. Still probably going to stick largely to more escapist books but I think I’ll be more open to darker stuff now. Maybe with less of the particular type of dark stuff that Essun suffered as a parent, though…

    21. Slinky*

      I’m reading The Husbands, which Alison recommended last year. I’d read an incredibly dark book before that (Earthlings by Sayaka Murata, which was interesting but SO DARK that I struggle to recommend it) and needed something lighter. This is definitely fitting the bill.

    22. Aneurin*

      I’m listening to Dungeon Crawler Carl (book 1) after seeing recommendations for the series here. As expected, it’s (so far) very silly and cartoonishly violent but fun! I have minimal experience with TTRPGs and video games so I’m sure I’m missing a lot of the jokes and references but I’m enjoying the dynamic between Carl and Princess Donut so much that I don’t feel like I’m missing *out*.

      I’m also extremely picky about audiobook narration so it’s always pleasing to find one that works for me! The style is (as befits the book) pretty over the top and I’m not sure I’d get on with the narrator in other, less exaggerated, contexts but it works well for the material.

      1. Crop Tiger*

        You don’t have to get all the references, but the AI’s foot fetish is… disturbing. But in a fun way.

    23. AcademiaNut*

      The Tomb of Dragons by Katherine Addison, the third of the Cemeteries of Amalo, which just came out this week. I paid full price for the ebook rather than wait for a sale, and it was worth it. I love the character, and while it was the kind of book where I really wanted to find out how it ended, it was well written enough that I wasn’t tempted to skip to the end, because I wanted the pleasure of reading every word.

      You definitely need to read the first two boos, though, but reading The Goblin Emperor isn’t necessary.

          1. Magdalena*

            It’s available at ebooks dot com where I got it just today.

            I liked the first two better but I’ve missed the protagonist quite a lot.

      2. Autumn*

        Happy new further adventures of Celehar week! I got the audiobook through Libro.fm on release day and am about halfway through. It’s the same narrator as the other books, and he does a fantastic job. I love these books so much, but reading the text with all the complex names trips me up and takes me out of the story, so listening to someone smoothly pronouncing, for instance, “Untheileneise” is far better than trying to puzzle it out myself! I also don’t want to skip to the end, and having the text in hand… it would be a temptation.

    24. Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells*

      I’ve read an RPG book, Murders and Acquisitions. It’s sent in a corporate world for more ruthless than reality.

      There’s expansions for fantasy and sci-fi.

      I’ve also read The Citadel of Bureaucracy, an gamebook about the Canadian civil service.

      Being a corprate world book, so many things are familiar. You know what, Alison could review them.

    25. amoeba*

      Red Side Story by Jasper Fforde – it’s the second volume in a series he started ages ago with “Shades of Grey” (no relation to 50 shades of grey, which came out after, haha!) I remember really enjoying the first one and then waited for, like, ten years.
      I’m not a huge fan of re-reading so I jumped right in, so far I still understand most of what’s going on – I think the author was aware of the problem and explains the most important things again, haha!

      1. Forensic13*

        I love those books. They’re SO weird, and it should feel random for random’s sake, but somehow it works.

    26. PhyllisB*

      I just finished The Henry Party by Maria Frankland. I knew it was billed as a thriller, but thought it would be similar to Murder on the Dance Floor by Katie Marsh. Murder at a hen party, yes but friends who have your back and some humor. This…was not that. It was very good and I plan to seek out more of her books, but it’s definitely dark. If you like Ruth Ware and Liv Constantine or AJ Finn you will like this.
      BTW, if you are interested in this book, it’s also issued under the title The Bridal Party.

    27. Dr. KMnO4*

      I devoured Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhou, and I just started the sequel, Heavenly Tyrant. Both are dark, but very, very good. If you enjoy mechs, strong female protagonists, morally grey characters, and commentary that applies just as much to our world as it does to the fictional world, you might enjoy this series.

      But the books are dark. They have brief content warnings at the start, which you should pay attention to.

    28. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I finished The Red House by Mark Haddon (the author of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time) and am unsure what to think of it.
      Its about eight people who spend a week in a rented cottage and is written from all eight different perspectives. Those often take turns within the same chapter, which can throw the reader for quite a loop. And almost all of the characters are rather dislikable.
      It ends with very few things having been resolved – which makes sense with the setting of the book but left me quite unsatisfied.
      It’s well written and engaging, though! I could barely put it down.

      Now I’m trying Yerba Buena by Nina Lacour. The beginning is rather bleak and that’s not really what I want atm, so I’m unsure how far I’ll actually make it. We’ll see :)

    29. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me – my Penguin Classic this week is Pierre Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais’ two short plays- The Barber of Seville and The Marriage of Figaro (translator – John Wood). Rossini, Mozart & Bugs Bunny put these to music, and you can see the hilarity that inspired them all to partake. The wily valet Figaro is the star of both. I’m reading along with the Youtube video of B of S, with Joyce DiDonato as Rosina, and will then do the same with M of F (the Thos. Allen production). Brilliant stuff! What a giggle.

      1. allx*

        Love Joyce DiDonato. Saw her with the Houston Grand Opera several times, and once at
        the Santa Fe Opera summer season (La donna del lago-which I remember because I still have the t-shirt and wore it to bed last night). So interesting the things reading a Penguin classic will bring to one’s notice! I love your multi-layered interactive reading experiences. Thanks for sharing them.

        2. Nervous Nellie*

          Wow, allx – lucky you! I would love to see her live. Her website is dazzling. And yeah, I’m a big fan of immersion. I’m usually careful to read the book first, but as these are effective librettos, it makes sense (and is good fun!) to watch & read simultaneously.

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        You could round out the opera viewing with John Corigliano’s the Ghosts of Versailles! About Marie Antoinette and Beaumarchais and the Figaro characters come in and out.

    30. Elizabeth West*

      Finished a horror novel by Richard Thomas (Incarnate) and just downloaded How to Stand Up to a Dictator: The Fight for Our Future by Maria Ressa. I mostly read on the bus and train, but I would like to start reading in bed before sleep again. I just need to go to bed earlier.

      Looking forward to upcoming stuff from Scalzi (When the Moon Hits Your Eye) and Chuck Wendig (The Staircase in the Woods). I would also like to buy hard copies again as I am woefully behind on Pendergast, but if I put one more bookshelf in this apartment, it will explode. (Maybe a skinny one in the tiny hallway?)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I am forever mentally wedging “just one more” bookshelf into every conceivable corner of the apartment!

    31. GoryDetails*

      A couple of Irish-themed ones in honor of St. Patrick’s Day:

      The very whimsical/steamy/funny Go Luck Yourself by Sara Raasch, set in a world where the holidays all have their own royal families – and where there’s political squabbling (over, of all things, the “joy” that powers their respective magic), as well as potential romance. This one features Kris, the second son of Santa Claus, who’s at sea because he feels pretty useless – and then he meets the charismatic crown prince of St. Patrick’s Day. Very entertaining. (It’s a follow-on to The Nightmare Before Kissmas, which introduces the setting and focuses on Kris’ older brother Coal and his mixed-up love-life. Luck stands on its own pretty well, though.)

      And in non-fiction: Voyage of Mercy by Stephen Puleo, about the 1847 voyage that brought food from the US to Ireland, then suffering from the famine brought on by the failure of the potato crop. It focuses on two men: Boston-born Robert Bennet Forbes, a ship’s captain, and Father Mathew, and Irish Catholic priest. Their efforts to get aid to the starving people led to one of the first notable humanitarian missions, when Forbes captained the USS Jamestown to bring food to Ireland from the US.

    32. GoryDetails*

      My other recent/current reads include:

      Bedside book: A Day of Fire, in which six stories by different authors follow various characters through the final hours of Pompeii. The stories are linked, with some of the characters encountering/influencing others at different points, and the inspirations are taken from some of the actual victims (and artwork and grafitti) from the site itself. Really enjoyed this one.

      Carrying-around book: The Ship Beneath the Ice by Mensun Bound, about the expeditions in search of Shackleton’s sunken “Endurance”. The book unfolds with the author’s notes about the modern-day expeditions alongside tidbits about what Shackleton’s people were going through in their day.

      Audiobook: Jules Verne’s The Adventures of Captain Hattaras, narrated by Will Watt. I’ve read a lot of Verne but hadn’t come across this one, and I admit I chose it largely on the strength of the narrator, whose work I really enjoy. Anyway, the novel came out in the mid 1860s and is, for its era, pretty much a cutting-edge speculation on polar exploration, with Verne (and his characters) taking lessons from the many lost or much-tried expeditions of the previous couple of decades. So far it’s entertaining, with a crew being assembled by the remote control of the captain, who’s keeping his identity secret – and is also avoiding any mention of where the ship will be voyaging, though the equipment strongly suggests the North Pole.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I love Verne and am planning to read his The Mysterious Island soon but must get through the current pile first.

      2. Atheist Nun*

        Have you read Mary Beard’s excellent book, The Fires of Vesuvius: Pompeii Lost and Found (also published as Pompeii: The Life Of A Roman Town)? The authors of A Day of Fire used it to inspire their stories. Both the fiction and nonfiction books are lovely background reading for when you visit Pompeii, and the artifacts found there that are now in MANN.

    33. Pam Adams*

      Katherine Addison’s The Tomb of Dragons. I love the world she’s created- there’s so much depth, and what you see on the page is clearly just the tip of the iceberg.

      I also listened one of the Brother Cadfael books narrated by Patrick Tull. So good!

      1. Angstrom*

        Patrick Tull is also superb as the narrator of the Patrick O’Brian Aubrey/Maturin series.

    34. WorkNowPaintLater*

      Currently reading Star Wars Aftermath – haven’t read a Star Wars novel in forever, but it’s what my brain wants right now. Fun read, lots of action.

      Also trying to find the 3rd Murderbot Diaries (Rogue Protocol) somewhere – my local library ebook service is missing that one for some reason…loved loved loved the first two

    35. Jazz and Manhattans*

      Just purchased The Last Murder at the End of the World by Stuart Turton for a trip. I really liked their last two books in particular The 7 1/2 Deaths f Evelyn Hardcastle, loved loved loved it!

      1. No Tribble At All*

        I just read the Devil and the Dark Water! Soooooo clever, and very gripping. I want to read his other ones too now :)

    36. epicdemiologist*

      Just finished 2 new Goblin Emperor books–The Orb of Cairado (novella) and The Tomb of Dragons. Very satisfying, especially the latter (the novella is very good but has more of a lonesome, poignant vibe).

    37. allx*

      I have been reading This is How it Always Is (Frankel) this week. Youngest (Claude) in a family of 5 boys explores transgender identity beginning at age 5. Don’t like the writing style at all. The experience is akin to reading someone’s journal who is narrating their life in the third person but doesn’t want to say anything revealing in case someone reads it when they aren’t looking. Sentences make up entire paragraphs and always with an emotional distance that seems off for this kind of story. It seems inauthentic and lacks depth of emotion. Claude is an interesting character; the rest, not so much. DNF.

    38. chocolate muffins*

      The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, which I saw suggested here a few times I think. I had high expectations but it seemed too repetitive to me. I also thought the premise offered a great opportunity to engage with history that the author completely missed. Like, how are you going to write a novel about someone who has lived for 300 years and barely give any attention to how her life intersected with anything happening in the world during that time?

    39. Hotdog not dog*

      I just finished Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler and loved it. I’ve been on a “banned books lists” kick lately. So far the common thread is that no matter which list you choose from, they’re books that make you think.

    40. Kai Rose*

      I finally started On Freedom by Timothy Snyder and I’m kind of struggling through it. It is really good, but not what I initially thought it would be (I keep On Tyranny on a close-by shelf in the living room). I want to finish it but I think it will be take me a lot longer than expected!

      For fun I picked up Mark Lawrence’s The Book That Wouldn’t Burn and I am SO intrigued by the world(s?) he’s setting up in here. And it’s first in a trilogy? Uh oh!

    41. Plaidless*

      Nothing, because I had to wipe and reset my phone, and did you know that your Libby tags are stored locally, rather than in the app itself?

      I am grieving a dozen tags with 100+ saved books; don’t be me. Back up your data with a recovery passkey. The Help section explains how, under “Backing up your data in Libby”.

      1. bleh*

        Black Cake & Good Dirt, Wilkerson. I cared more about the characters in Black Cake, but like Good Dirt better, oddly.

        Beautiful World, Where are You, Rooney. It’s good and not so dark as many Irish novels.

        Slow Productivity, Newport. I took notes for when I go back to a more stressful role in the summer. I need better boundaries…

      2. Hoary Vervain*

        My sincere condolences. I would be devastated.

        I try to keep up a written journal/list of books, but mostly I use Libby for all of that (and when I do update the handwritten one, it’s usually by looking back at my Libby history). So, going to do that ASAP.

    42. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Y’all got me hooked on Dungeon Crawler Carl, and his beloved liege, Princess Donut. Now my eyes blur late at night as I keep on reading…

      Thank you!

    43. Mumwa*

      Careless People, by Sarah Wynn-Williams, just came out and is making waves because Facebook wants it quashed. I bought the book yesterday and haven’t been able to put it down. The author does a solid job of detailing Facebook’s shenanigans; the part towards the end about Myanmar is particularly awful. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hear or read Sheryl Sandberg’s name again without experiencing a full body shudder.

    44. Nightengale*

      free on project Gutenberg, “The Ascent of Denali” dated 1913

      Narrative by Hudson Stuck, one of the first people to, well, ascend Mt Denali

      I read about this book in a NYT article about the name war over the mountain, although I probably wouldn’t have gone to read it if I hadn’t been watching the excellent PBS Kids show, Molly of Denali. (For those who aren’t familiar, it is a cartoon about Molly, a 10ish year old Alaskan native kid and it delves into native identity and diversity, literacy including internet literacy and just kid stuff. Their recent episode on the importance of voting was just about what I needed to see these days)

      I’m enjoying the book but I tend to enjoy detailed non-fiction, down to the minutia of where they bought supplies and how to make pemmican. I’m now in the part where they learn their sourdough failed because there are no spores at their elevation, and they are referencing Pasteur’s experiments in the Alps on germ theory and thought fondly about when I taught Pasteur and germ theory to my high schoolers when I was a teacher.

    45. Rosyglasses*

      I’m reading Once Upon a Tome(as recommended here) and it is more delightful than I anticipated! About finished with The Wisteria Society of Lady Scoundrels also a recommend from this lovely group.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        India Holton has another series-in-progress now, too – I believe the next installment is out in April?

      2. FalafalBella*

        Just finished reading “Maybe you Should See Someone” by Lori Gottlieb (She writes the Ask the Therapist column in The Atlantic and NYT). This was the best book I have read in a very long time. I have never read such a well-written, engaging and educational book.

    46. Southern Violet*

      I’ve inhaled the first six Incryptid books by Seanan McGuire. They are an urban fantasy series about a family named Price trying to protect crytids of all kinds from an extremist religious group called the Covenant of St George. Its exciting and fun,
      but it can get pretty dark and heartbreaking in parts. It is never hopeless, though. There are 12 or 13 books in the series. There’s a bit of PG-13 type mostly-closed-door sex scenes. But the romances aren’t really the focus of rhe books. They start with Discount Armageddon.

    47. carcinization*

      I finished O’Malley’s Blitz, which I enjoyed quite a bit. Went back to Priest’s Islanders, which isn’t holding my attention as much as I’d expected. I guess it owes quite a bit to Borges, but it’s not quite as weird/esoteric.

    1. MissB*

      Walking. Simple joy of walking.

      I had a total knee replacement 2.5 weeks ago and I was able to walk without a walker at the 2 week mark. I met my range of motion goals already too.

      I still have some pain, but it isn’t arthritic pain and I’m just so incredibly happy.

      1. CeeLee*

        Woo! I’ve been going to PT for tennis elbow for 3 months, and this week has been the first week I could put dishes away in the cabinet without intense pain.

      5. goddessoftransitory*

        My knees have started to act up, and reading this made me happy for you and hopeful for me!

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      Very little made me happy this week (The Place That Shall Not Be Named was especially delightful this week) but we have had sunny days for most of the week and just walking out of the building, closing my eyes, and standing there feeling sunshine on my face for the first time in weeks was pure delight.

    3. word nerd*

      My son had the day off school, so we celebrated Pi Day by making a delicious pear galette with ginger and cinnamon, homemade pizza, and boba tea (uh, because the boba is round?). The crust was so amazing despite my being a baking novice that now I’m thinking about using the recipe again without sugar for a savory galette…

    4. AnotherRetiredLibrarian*

      This week I discovered that my mini-waffle maker and slightly larger griddle works for cooking more than just waffles, hamburgers, and grilled cheese sandwiches. Mind boggling for a basically lazy uninspired cook.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        You can also cook bacon in a waffle maker and it will get extra crispy because the fat/water will run down into the waffle shapes

      2. Frankie Bergstein*

        There’s a book / website called “Will It Waffle” that is basically a series of waffle maker recipes…

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Got all my weekly meals made in a timely manner so I didn’t have to cook after coming home from work.

    6. Might Be Spam*

      I was on an all ice cream diet for a week because my throat hurt. I LOST a pound and realized I am totally fine with lactose! That is so nice to know!

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Feel better, I hope! I love how you leaned into the “Darned if I’m not going to feed myself with whatever makes the most sense right now” attitude. Glad you did some good self care there!

    7. PhyllisB*

      This may sound odd to some to count this as a joy, but my grandson in prison just told me yesterday he’s moving up a unit because of good behavior and will be wearing green and white stripes instead of black and white. Purpleshark probably can appreciate this since her brother works at a prison.

      2. Irish Teacher.*

        It doesn’t seem odd at all to me. Knowing his behaviour has been good enough to move him up a unit seems like a positive.

        And from everything you have said, I think your grandson is very lucky to have you in his corner.

      3. Education Mic*

        This isn’t odd! A grandkid win is always a great reason for joy, and this one seemed especially profound and exciting knowing he’s been through some really big stuff and things are hopefully looking up!

      4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That’s great! Reminds me of Frankl’s point in *Man’s Search for Meaning* about how the people who managed best in the concentration camps were those who had some goal or thing they cared about, whatever it was. Getting moved up a unit and being recognized for good behavior is awesome!

    8. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Yesterday I watched a wonderful interview Stephen Colbert recently did with Gary Oldman and it put me in a great mood. I still smile thinking about it :D

    9. Elizabeth West*

      It’s starting to warm up a little bit! And as much as I despise the time change, it was nice to be able to see when I got off the bus. Insert Nicolas Cage Con Air feeling-the-breeze meme here, lol.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        My husband and I took a walk after work Wednesday evening, just because we could. It was so lovely to have daylight left.

    11. RagingADHD*

      I finally found a costume blog where someone has drafted a “Circassian” sleeve for a Regency dress that shows a picture of the pattern piece, confirming my hunch it is a really basic cut that gets zhuzzed in construction. Big win for my current project.

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      Thought of another! When I went to the corner store this week, the clerk was reading the last volume of In Search of Lost Time and we gossiped about it! It was part of his project to read several classic novels by his 40th birthday.

    14. chocolate muffins*

      I can feel spring coming. Had a lot of fun with my son at the playground and got to see him play with some other toddlers, which was adorable.

    15. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Many nice things happening on a bike ride to get my hair cut:
      – First, it was dry both going and returning in spite of a forecast so rain, so that’s always great.
      – A driver pulling up next to me (which is usually not a good thing, as it blocks my view of oncoming traffic and I need to make a left turn at a stop sign), rolling down her window, and saying happily, “I just got my bike back from the shop! I’ll be riding soon!” to me, a total stranger to her, knowing that I could share her happiness.
      – Riding along the inlet on a sunny day with birds doing their bird things tree to tree and what I refer to as “my corvid escorts” swooping along and cawing overhead. (Not that I recognize individual crows, just that they’re always there.)
      – Riding through our downtown and hearing a friend from improv call out “Hi FirstName!” and yelling back “Hi YourFirstName! Hi YourBoyfriendsNameBecauseHesStandingThereWithYou!”
      – As I neared our state capitol, seeing a few, then dozens, then hundreds of people gathering with signs to protest cuts to veterans’ services and feeling my heart absolutely swell with civic joy, ringing my bike bell madly as I passed them and calling out in support.

      Being open to experiences like these on my bike is 100% always a joy.

      1. basil and thyme*

        My joy was an unencumbered bike. When the weather allows, I bike to work, but today I went for a “just because” ride. And, it’s nice not to have the extra luggage of computer + accessories + lunch + clothes +++ that fills my panniers

      2. KateM*

        I bought a new and bigger bike for my older kid (and the younger inhirited the old one), so we will start biking to school now! Not only the joy of biking but also, the parking/stopping near school is very badly organized, so now that stress will be gone.

        And I’m planning short bike trips for my kids coming summer! They are too young to bike on big roads like I did with other adults last summer, but I’ll try to find places around which we can use smaller roads or special bike roads.

        BTW, is it better to have a on-roof bike rack or on-back-doorr bike rack? And why are they SO expensive? :(

    16. Hotdog not dog*

      I’ve been trying to learn to knit for several years, with minimal success. This past week, it finally clicked! I have completed a cable stitch that looks the way it’s supposed to!

    17. Kai Rose*

      My daughter’s cybersecurity team won First at the state competition. She’s riding high!

    18. Six Feldspar*

      Discovering many photos of pets looking sleepy and confused during Ramadan when their humans are awake very early to eat for reasons the pets can’t understand…

      Ramadan Mubarak to everyone celebrating!

    19. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Spent the afternoon with my mom going thru old vacation photos. Her memory is failing and was able to get her to visit my house and have lunch. Her recent memory is not too good, but she remembered good times from our travels that I didn’t.

    20. Overeducated*

      Took a day off work and had lunch at a new restaurant, which was more excellent than I expected!

    21. dapfloodle*

      Went to see a movie at the local drive-in theater, so glad we have one and it’s the time of year when it’s not uncomfortable to go!

  3. Challenger*

    For those of you who have purposefully gone no contact with long-standing friends from childhood, what was the trigger to walk away? How are you coping? Any advice? I had to make that decision recently after 25+ years of friendship. It was needed but difficult.

    1. Zona the Great*

      I ended a 15 year friendship after a long series of really bad life choices on her part. The final straw involved her child and I realized I could no longer be part of her life. She and her husband are still together last I checked even after a serious DV incident. I have felt free and light after ending it, to be honest. It’s been almost 10 years since then and I don’t have any regrets.

      1. Anon for this*

        I’m sure there’s far more to your story, and I’m sure I’m projecting a lot of my own stuff on this, but I just want to say, as a recent victim of domestic violence, what may look from the outside as “bad choices” are rarely that simple. Sometimes leaving is more dangerous than staying. I’ve lost friends of a decade because of my abuser’s manipulation and isolation when I was doing everything in my power to keep those connections and keep myself safe at the same time. It would absolutely break me to know that my friends saw it as “bad choices” on my part and that they’re glad to be free of me.

        1. Cacofonix*

          There is so much we don’t understand about domestic violence; especially all the complexities of why people stay. Deepest sympathies for your having gone through that (past tense I hope?), and perhaps on top of all you had to navigate, that you can eventually forgive your friends for not understanding or staying with you.

        2. Zona the Great*

          Thanks for your input. You’re right; there’s a lot to this story. I too hope you’re able to forgive people who chose to walk away from your friendship. This is not dissimilar to families who break away from addicts. We know addiction is a serious disease yet we walk away for our own mental health and usually after we’ve exhausted all our reserves in our tank. If she really looks back and thinks I was a bad friend for not sticking around, well, I’d say she was also a bad friend for thinking I should.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      With a cousin — she had been super-controlling about a health problem that I had had already. When she called to “check in,” I had just gotten diagnosed with cancer. I hadn’t even told her yet, and I was dreading dealing with her again so much that when she started being controlling about the previous problem, I politely said goodbye and hung up the phone. She called back and harangued me for hanging up, and that was the last straw for me.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I do not miss having her in my life on a frequent basis, which tells me that I did the right thing. We are civil and pleasant when we interact infrequently at family events/during family crises, and that is about the right amount of interaction for me right now.

    3. Bek the Wreck*

      It’s definitely hard, and I hope that my situation can help a little. I did this with a childhood friend of about 30 years after realising that spending time with her made me sad and anxious. The final straw was her sending me vile political propaganda after promising to re-examine where she gets her information. After that, I realised that I could no longer consider her a good person.

      I grieved the friendship for a long time – I still do, I suppose – but what helped me the most was remembering my reasons for ending it. I feel that by tolerating her terrible opinions, I would have been supporting or encouraging them. And that’s not the kind of person I want to be.

    4. HannahS*

      I had a 13 year friendship end a few years ago. It was hard and very abrupt (we argued over text and never spoke again) and it took me a good 3 or 4 years to make peace with it. It helped me to think about it like ending a romantic relationship, and to let myself grieve the loss of someone who had been a big part of my life for a long time. And after a few years, I feel at peace with it, and I can remember the good times fondly while also not needing to get back in touch.

    5. K*

      About two years ago with my childhood best friend. The trigger was a conversation where she made a cutting-down remark at me on a sensitive topic. It made me take a step back as I had never done before. When I started talking to my therapist about it, the whole friendship sort of came into new focus. This was honestly quite scary: we’d been friends for 25+ years and I’d always considered her a second sister. But I was using language of “you just wouldn’t understand the relationship” and “she sounds mean but that’s just the way she is”. I finally realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

      It’s been a long road that isn’t done. Not sure of your specific situation but some content by Dr Ramani (she specializes in narcissism/relationships with narcissists) on YouTube helped me. I’m lucky to have other long-standing relationships (friends & family) that know me through different stages in this friendship to help give me perspective. There have been many times when I want to turn the blame around and feel like I’m responsable/deserving of how she treated me. Therapy, distance, and time continue to help, as does knowing it gets better.

      I think it’s also okay to remember the good, and know that the friendship may have brought you cherished memories and moments. But that doesn’t mean that you should have continued to stay once you knew you needed to leave.

      Sending some internet love and light your way.

    6. UghNo*

      I severed contact with someone who was previously like a sister to me. She did something that was quite stupid. All it required was an apology, but she completely buried her head in the sand. I tried many times to talk this issue out with her to resolve it and move on. Each time she would say things like “I’m not good at apologizing” or “yes but let’s talk about other bad things YOU’VE done” or just outright gaslight me and say X did not happen when, in fact…it did.

      The original offense was completely forgivable. But her actions afterwards made me completely lose respect in her as a person and I couldn’t move on from it. I just blocked her and never communicated with her again. I initially struggled a bit with guilt. Should I have explained why we couldn’t be friends? Was it too harsh to go no contact without saying anything? But now that I look back I gave her plenty of opportunities. I did my part in trying to mend the relationship. She failed to do her part in just admitting she did wrong.

      I still think about this friend sometimes and hope she’s doing well in life. But I have no regrets about her not being in mine. It wasn’t possible to continue a friendship with someone when I couldn’t respect their character at all.

    7. Laggy Lu*

      I had a friend since kindergarten that I had to cut off after my wedding. Looking back we were completely different people, and if we had met as adults, we probably wouldn’t be friends. But she made my wedding all about her, and how she couldn’t bring her kid (it was a childfree wedding), and for some reason her husband wasn’t able to parent his own kid for 48 hours (or no one could watch him).
      I spent a ton of money on her wedding a few years previously. It was in this tiny town in NY that didn’t even have a hotel, or cab service, and she spent most of the time I talked to her at her own wedding alternating between trying to get me to adopt her cat, and talking about how amazing they were for living in NYC, blah, blah, blah.
      Sometimes I feel guilty because I think her husband is an ass, and is probably pretty controlling. I got bad vibes from him and how their relationship started. But she married him, and is still married to him, so that’s her choice.

    8. Laggy Lu*

      I had to end a ~25yr relationship with a friend after my wedding. Looking back we were completely different people, and if we had met as adults, we probably wouldn’t be friends.
      She made my wedding all about how she couldn’t bring her 1 -year old (it was a childfree wedding), and apparently they have no childcare (dubious), and her husband is unable to parent his own kid for 36 hours (embarrassing).
      Sometimes I feel guilty because I think her husband is a controlling ass. I got bad vibes around how they started their relationship, but she married him, and is still married to him.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I ended a sibling-level friendship (as in we were so close we called each other chosen siblings) after repeated (12+, both spoken and via email, text, chat) discussions about specific issues, where every time I started the discussion a la “no seriously this is still happening and I cannot maintain a friendship if this continues” the other person was shocked, SHOCKED, WHY IS THIS THE FIRST TIME IM HEARING ABOUT THIS BEING A PROBLEM and I eventually gave up trying, because I was clearly the only one who gave a hang. I cut them off entirely, blocked on everything, zero contact. To this day, over ten years later, they are still swearing they have no idea why I cut them off, completely out of the blue, traumatized. (But at least they finally (five years ago) stopped trying to convince mutual friends to bring them to my life events as a “surprise.”)

      No regrets, except possibly that I didn’t do it sooner. I put up with the nonsense and gaslighting about it for way too long before drawing the line.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          No, and if anyone had I’d have immediately cut them out of my life too.

    10. Cacofonix*

      I had two of my very closest friendships end this way, and while I have good friends, none have ever come close. Both ended them with me. One, a childhood friend ended it with me in our twenties. We were both wildly against smoking, so when she started smoking just before going on an epic 6 month trip together, I had a hard time and really resented being around it. It ruled everything we did, from waiting until she smoked 2 or 3 before going in anywhere, only going to hotels and events which allowed smoking. She hated my complaints and ghosted me mid trip. I was frantic with worry until I called her mom back home who told me she joined a tour and was just.. gone. I grieved hard.

      The second friend years later was a vivacious career woman who married a very conservative man. A nice guy in principle, treated her well, but he hobbled her freedom. She became very religious, quit her job to homeschool her children. She dropped and blocked all contact very suddenly with no explanation. After years of trying, even after her husband passed away, she completely ignored all my attempts. Pretty awful, and I understand she only maintains friends within her church.

    11. Always Science-ing*

      I experienced the end of a 25+ year friendship around 10 years ago. In brief, they became a bridzilla to the point that they chastised me for not being a devoted enough bridal party member, and not being enthusiastic enough about their upcoming wedding…while my parent was dying in hospital. I’d still been helping with wedding planning, making wedding favors and decor, enthusiastically going to the many wedding events, doing everything they and the maid of honor requested, etc., , but I guess that just wasn’t enough? I’m not an outwardly emotional person, thanks to my British stuff upper lip, so I wasn’t crying/being depressed/etc. at events, nor was I leaning on my friend for emotional support. And I did everything asked of me quickly and well. I’m certain the MoH and bridal party (friends we didn’t have in common) had no idea what I was dealing with.

      That conversation flipped a switch in my brain and I suddenly realized they had been self-centered in this same, totally oblivious, way for years. It was really disappointing to come to this realization, and accept that they probably didn’t care about me (outside of how it affected them). E g. in that initial chastising conversation (and subsequent ones), they never mentioned my dying parent or asked how I, or parent, was doing, just told me I needed to be a better, more supportive, friend and focus more on their wedding.

      It took time, but I’m better off without this relationship. I grieved the friendship for quite awhile, but my life has a lot less drama now. And I have more energy to focus on other friends, ones with whom I have equal and mutually supportive relationships, and that are a better fit for who I am at this stage/age in life (in hindsight I realized the old friendship had become fairly one-sided and a source of stress/obligation rather than one of friendship/joy/etc.)

      My advice would be to grieve the friendship, thank it for what it gave you, accept that you are both different people now, and look forward to developing new or existing friendships that are better suited for who you are now. Best wishes. <3

      1. Challenger*

        Thank you! Your third paragraph was exactly what I needed to view this as moving forward.

    12. Kris50*

      I ended a 20+ year friendship because I just couldn’t cope with her extreme neediness and drug issues anymore. Everything was about her and it became a one-sided friendship. I was always there for her trying my best to help her. She was extremely emotionally draining and I was always the shoulder to lean on. But the one time I was going through something serious that I wanted to talk about, she couldn’t care less because she was too self-involved. After discussing it extensively in therapy, my therapist convinced me that this friendship didn’t benefit me in the slightest, so I finally ended my friendship with her. It is now about 15 years later and looking back, not only am I relieved and happy I ended the friendship, I regret not ending it sooner!

    13. Middle Aged Lady*

      Several: they were not growing as people. They were the same as when we were kids. In fact, they were regressing into some extreme views and I couldn’t go there with them. I did a slow fade instead of an abrupt end.

      1. Cacofonix*

        I found that the argument of they remained stagnant while “I” grew as a person is a perhaps comforting but wilfully blind sentiment. Every person I’d ever thought this of simply grew in a different direction than mine. They stayed in the same hometown while you went to university and travelled? They *grew* in a different direction and took a different path than you did or would approve of. Even if they themselves felt their lives were full of missed opportunities, they experienced and learned from life in ways that you did not. Anything else is just needless judgement.

        1. Zona the Great*

          Middle Aged Lady offered her story as solicited. I don’t think it is appropriate or necessary to comment and correct her on her own feelings and her own story. This is what sounds judgemental.

    14. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Not from childhood – the first person I really clicked with after we moved here. At the time we didn’t live in the same community. She had kids and I did not. She had chosen her career over mine because she wanted to have kids. Once I actually had a kid and moved into the same community, she pulled away, did not invite me/us to a lot of things we had previously been included in, and basically treated me like crap. For a variety of reasons I believed this was my fault and kept trying. When she stopped speaking to me because her father died during what was unquestionably the most traumatic week of my life and I didn’t show up for her, I crawled back and apologized (!). Eventually she said something so absolutely outrageous and insulting that I woke up and realized what was going on. I called her on it, she denied it, and I stopped trying. They subsequently moved away. Our kids are still connected and we have a lot of mutual friends, so I haven’t really gone no-contact. I never initiate and when they come to town I am usually “too busy” to see her. Mind you, she always makes it clear that she could squeeze me in among her *real* friends…

      postscript: a few months ago I was talking to a woman who is also a mom with kids in my field and knew the aforementioned friend. I had been kind of dancing around my experience because I didn’t want to insult someone she cared about. Finally I said something along the lines of “I had some issues with her” and my friend said “OH THANK GOD. I thought it was just me” and it turned out we had exactly the same experience. Ex-friend simply could not stand to see that women could be successful parents without making the same professional sacrifice she had made.

    15. Hotdog not dog*

      It was many years ago. We were super close, and I thought we’d always have each other’s backs. She had a history of poor decision making and I supported her unconditionally. For background, she had by that time birthed 4 children with 3 different fathers. She had also had a few pregnancies that she chose not to carry to term. My husband and I, meanwhile, were trying unsuccessfully for a baby. She was aware of our difficulties; every fertility treatment, every miscarriage, all of it. One day I came home to find her waiting on my porch. She was crying and upset because she had just told her new boyfriend that she was pregnant. He told her he didn’t want it, her, or anything further to do with the matter. She seriously looked me in the eye and said, “You can’t understand what I’m going through, I thought this baby would make him leave his wife for me! Now he won’t even pay to get rid of it!” In her next breath, she asked to borrow $300.
      In that moment, I realized that our friendship had entirely consisted of her needing help and me providing it. She had zero sympathy for anything I was experiencing. I told her to leave and not contact me again. We still have a few mutual acquaintances, so I know she still has a very drama filled life, and also that she STILL claims not to understand why I was upset that day. Meanwhile, my husband and I eventually did have a healthy baby who is now a young adult.

    16. Storm in a teacup*

      I’ve done this twice.
      First was with a friend I had grown up with from the age of 9-10. I finally stopped speaking to her and broke all contact when we were in our late twenties. She was a twin and when she moved in with her sister would go through phases of being incredibly mean ‘as a joke’ or purposefully rude. I knew this was due to her sister and so for years would ignore her hot and cold behaviour and convince myself that she herself was sweet and shy until you got to know her and that her other behaviour wasn’t really ‘her’.
      The last straw came when I was clearly told I wasn’t invited to her brother’s wedding as she could only ask her closest friends as some weird power play I still don’t get. 2 weeks before the wedding her mother got in touch to chase for an RSVP from my parents and I as we had all been invited all along, but I had never been given the invite and my friend tried to pretend it was a misunderstanding. I decided then and there that dealing with her manufactured drama wasn’t worth it so I walked away. Never looked back. Still friends with her brother though.
      The second time was with a work friend from my early twenties. She had a habit of starting arguments or putting me down when she wasn’t in a good mood. Then she would feel guilty and ‘lovebomb’ for a few months. About 7-8 years ago we were out for dinner with another friend and her behaviour to me was terrible. Our mutual friend felt very uncomfortable and after the evening reached out to ask if I was ok. It made me realise that the whole thing was not in my head and that if you are stressed about seeing a friend because you don’t know whether you’ll get nice or mean friend that day, it’s not healthy.
      To her credit she realised how horrible she had been and apologised. However this was a pattern of behaviour so I told her that I accepted her apology but I would be keeping my distance. Since then I see her 1-2 times a year, always in a group setting with our mutual friends and it’s fine. I do actually enjoy meeting up with her now but I would not want any more contact than we have. Shame as we live in the same neighbourhood but I don’t trust her not to revert to her old habits.
      TLDR: twice, in both cases 15+ years of friendships and both times due to a pattern of behaviour I do not deserve to be on the receiving end of.

    17. Magdalena*

      One close friend moved to the US and married an American. We remained in close touch seeing each other a few times a year and messaging/talking throughout the year. She used to be a bit uncritical about minor / less serious conspiracy theories really small stuff but she used to fall for these a lot. It irked me a bit but it wasn’t really important.
      Then a few years ago she started falling for a political conspiracy theory… and suddenly we disagreed about pretty important values. Her “side” was winning and from my perspective, doing a lot of harm. So not only was I heartbroken about the harm being done, I was heartbroken about her cheering it on. I think it was easier for her since she was pretty happy about the state of the world part and thought everything would be fine if I just came around.
      But in the end the parting was mutual. I sometimes wonder how she’s doing and whether her perspective changed in any way but even if does at some point, the mismatch in values is/was simply too big.

      Another friend was a very similar story. Very close for many years, and then we had a serious disagreement about civic values and we stopped talking.

      I miss both of them. I am grateful for having had them in my life. I’m coping by taking care of other friendships. But the first year was hard and I cried a lot.

    18. Family Member Breakup story*

      I’ve gone low contact with someone who is a family member (essentially no contact but if she were around at a family gathering I’d still go and be okay with it).

      In her case it was a lot of stuff over several years. Once she outed me as queer to another family member that I didn’t want to tell, at a time when this was still dangerous and when I was still figuring it out to myself and hadn’t told hardly anyone. She later apologized, but I was understandably less interested in telling her private info about myself. Then she got into a DV relationship that has gone more and more sour and her coping methods have been toxic and destructive. I tried for a long time (over a decade) to be supportive and available and to leave her a way out if she was ready, but I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. Second to last straw was when I’d just gotten out of a bad relationship (not sure if it was the one that ended with him physically threatening me in public in front of other people and me leaving, or the one with a guy who never wanted to spend time with me, kept inventing excuses not to be able to do so, and finally I got tired of him constantly negging me and acting like what I cared about didn’t matter), and she told me that I was being too picky and would never find someone if I wasn’t willing to settle. (As a postmark, I went on to have a nice period of singleness without anyone being a jerk to me, thought carefully through what flags I had missed that got me into those relationships, and am now in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who is kind and loving. But that’s another story.)

      The last straw was on a family group Marco Polo chat where in a drunken burst of enthusiasm she decided to share what she really thought about all of us. It was not as awful as it sounds, and most of the things she said were actually nice, but I didn’t enjoy having someone lay out my supposed flaws in a group discussion like that. The nice things she said did NOT outweigh them.

      I’ve never had this conversation with her and probably won’t since we’ve drifted out of touch naturally. Previously it was mostly me reaching out and so I just… stopped. It makes me sad, because I genuinely love her and wish we could be close again. But I don’t want to risk it anymore, and I feel okay with this choice. I have a lot of people in my life that I care about who aren’t toxic and destructive, and I only have so much time to spend with people, so….

    19. Chauncy Gardener*

      I recently went very low contact with a friend of 20+ years. I don’t talk about politics with people at all. I personally think it’s the dumbest reason to lose or strain a friendship since everything will change every two to four years anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I care deeply about things and am as active as I have capacity for, but I do NOT want to talk about it. So don’t talk about it with me, right? Is it that hard? Apparently it was, despite me repeatedly asking her to change the topic. Now she doesn’t understand why I only see her with other people (we have two huge friend groups in common). I just couldn’t take the constant running commentary about every.single.aspect of what ever was going on in the political world, which is always a lot, as we all know. I don’t miss her much and I feel really relieved to not be subject to her verbal onslaught. It made me realize that in many ways she’s just super self centered and doesn’t have any kind of social filter, which made for some other uncomfortable situations as well.

    20. frenemy?*

      The friend I most enjoyed in my life I spent 3 years very close to. I saw them every day in that time and it seemed so effortless to be close to them. Best of friends, happy times. Then we moved to different cities, visited occasionally which was lovely, but 10 years later on it was different. (TBH, with good reason. We both had changed.) It slowly became clear that they only contacted me out of a sense of obligation for the friendship we had once had, and they didn’t really enjoy my company anymore.

      Eventually I cut ties because it seemed best for both of us. A few years later I read Captain Awkward’s post about the African Violet of Ended Friendship, and I think my ex-friend would have liked to have that option with me.

      My point is that we hear a lot from reasonable, healthy people who end connections with toxic people. Yay! Do that! We don’t hear as much from the other side. I wouldn’t call myself toxic, but I definitely was not a good fit for my friend after we had grown older and changed. (And I worry that my younger self might qualify as a bit of a frenemy. I was not socially ept.) It really is best to call it what it is and cut ties. It took a few unhappy, uncertain years for me to see what it was and let it go. I wish there was an African Violet thing out there in the wider world that my friend could have given me and made a cleaner cut from their side sooner. The messier path was not kind or easy for me.

      tl; dr: if you’ve lost the bond with a friend, or a frenemy, it is kinder to end it and not pretend. If they react poorly to the cut, that just makes it clearer that you were right to do it.

  4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

    Crock Pot or Instant Pot GOATs

    Sometimes for my schedule using a crock pot or instant pot works better for making dinner. But I’m bored of my current recipe ideas. What are your GOAT recipes for either appliance? We have no dietary restrictions.

    Mine is turkey meatballs in marinara – 1 pound ground turkey, 1/4 cup Parmesan, 1/4 cup breadcrumbs, Italian seasoning, 1 egg, S&P. Briefly sear meatballs then cook in crockpot in marinara sauce for 4 hours on high.

    1. CeeLee*

      Lasagna soup in the IP. Our go-to is the pumpkin lasagna soup from Rainbow Plant Life. She has an Instant Pot cookbook too

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      I like Instant Pot “lasagna”. I found a YouTube video which I’ll add in a follow-up comment.

    4. Atheist Nun*

      Rajma in the Instant Pot is delicious (I mean, rajma via any method is delicious in my opinion). I found a good recipe on Piping Pot Curry.

      1. Pepper*

        All kinds of soups and beans in the Instant Pot – especially green split peas.
        I do all kinds of variations. For the last one I had some green peppers, and fresh (but grocery store blah) tomatoes, plus onion, garlic, some Italian seasonings, and I added a bit of lentils to the dry split peas.

        I tend to make them really more like a thick stew than a soup. So, how soup like or how stew like is another variation.

    6. Elitist Semicolon*

      For something that’s almost no effort, toss in a few boneless, skinless chicken breasts, a jar of green salsa (or two if you have a big crock pot), and boom, done. Eat it as soft chicken tacos with cotija and shredded lettuce or, if you’re me, directly from the pot with a spoon.

    7. Shiara*

      Crockpot: Thai style chicken thighs. put skinless chicken thighs in crockpot, cover with salsa, peanut butter, soy sauce and ginger.

      Instant pot: Thasneen on YouTube has a bunch of tasty recipes. I do her one minute soups often.

    8. Hyaline*

      Instant pot: risotto, and then throw whatever you like on it if you want some toppings/extra (my favorite is roasted Brussels sprouts and bacon). I think I got the recipe from spruce eats and it’s really easy and versatile and I use the leftovers for lunches at work.

      Also butter chicken in the instant pot—my recipe came from a magazine but I’m sure there’s a million out there!

    9. Slinky*

      Turkey breast and gravy in the slow-cooker. It’s an America’s Test Kitchen recipe, so paywalled, but about the easiest way to get a turkey dinner on the table.

    10. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      – Chicken parts of choice (I usually use boneless skinless breasts or thighs)
      – Jar of favorite salsa (or other simmering sauce of choice)
      – Salt, pepper, seasonings that go with whatever you’re simmering the chicken in

      Pour half the sauce in the crockpot. Season the chicken with s&p plus whatever other seasonings you’re using and put it in the pot (whole or cut up if you want it faster). Pour the rest of the sauce on top. Turn the crockpot on and let it do its thing until the chicken is nice and tender and shreds easily. Shred it, or don’t. Use for tacos, pasta, sandwiches, or whatever you want.

    12. Amber Rose*

      Crock pot pulled pork. Heavily salt and pepper a boneless pork shoulder and cover it with a sauce made of 1/4 cup vinegar (red wine or balsamic), 1/2 cup ketchup, a couple tablespoons each of soy sauce and honey and a teaspoon each of garlic powder and paprika. After 8-10 hours it shreds apart with a fork and you can eat it on some toasted rolls.

    15. Girasol*

      Crock pot pot roast and Hawaiian pork. Pot roast is whatever good beef roast I can find plus carrots and onions cut up around it, worcestershire, and a little instant coffee plus herbs. Hawaiian pork (as told to my by a Hawaiian coworker who brought it to pot luck) is a pork picnic roasted with just salt and liquid smoke. Both recipes take two minutes to start and make a huge quantity to eat, refrigerate, or freeze for later.

  5. Dark Macadamia*

    Grendel looks like a haunted painting whose eyes would follow you around the room

    1. Victoria, Please*

      I was thinking it’s like a Renaissance portrait. Wallace has this little sly smirk going on over the shoulder.

    2. Six Feldspar*

      I didn’t even spot Wallace until I hovered over the picture to get the names, he’s blending into the background well

  6. Jazz and Manhattans*

    I need a new hairdo as my current cut just is not working even though I’ve had it for 4 ys. Not sure if it’s my hair doing weird things now that I’m getting older or my stylist. I had this cut before (with the same stylist) and just don’t remember these issues. Does anyone have sites they like to use to find new styles (extra points if I can upload a picture and see how the style might look on me!)? I’m looking for short to mid length styles. Note that I’ve been working with my stylist to get things right for some time, I’m at the point of looking at other styles rather than looking for a new stylist.

    2. Juneybug*

      Tresemme has a virtual hairstyler.

      When my hair acts different than usual, I check to see if I changed meds, shampoo, conditioner, styling products, etc.
      When you get your next haircut, tell your stylist what is going wrong and see what they suggest.

      Good luck!!

      1. Jazz and Manhattans*

        I will check out Tresemme, thanks! I did get my hair cut this morning and mentioned that for both my sake and hers, I was thinking of another style and she did not disagree! I’ve been noting the issues with it for about a year and she did change one way she was cutting a particular area and it helped.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I started having terrible trouble over the summer with flyaway hair. Had never been a problem before. Finally realized I’d changed conditioners, switched back, and all was well. Duh.

    3. Always Science-ing*

      Hair changes throughout our lives – for women especially around pregnancy, perimenopause, menopause, ect., but also at other times. Mines fluctuated in texture, thickness, degree of curliness, etc. It’s possible that this is what’s behind the previous style not working as well as it once did. Talking with your stylist about your current hair characteristics, and what they might expect to also change moving forward (depending on your life stage), as well as what you want from your hair style, might be helpful in identifying potential styles that will be most successful. Good luck!

      1. Jazz and Manhattans*

        I do think this is what it is. I leaped into menopause Oct of ’20 and changed the cut in 2021. I told my stylist today that I was going to do some research and come with some options the next time I see her.

  7. HannahS*

    I need help buying underwear. I’ve been wearing the same, incredibly boring hip-height briefs from Jockey for what feels like 10 000 years and I could do with a change. I like full coverage behind, and a mid-rise. Mostly cotton is ideal. Any stores or brands I should check out?

    1. CTT*

      Gap has been my go-to for years. They have a lot of good coverage options and usually have some sort sale.

      1. Notmorningper*

        Gap all the way. It’s like Marks and Spencer for North Americans. Good for coverage of my generous behind. Also I think you’re in Canada, so Reitmans and Joe Fresh!

            1. Me*

              I’ll be honest; I was really enjoying the idea that all your bras had a hat and they had to alternate who got to wear it each day…

        2. iglwif*

          Reitmans is my new favourite underwear! They don’t have much colour variety (mostly variations on black and beige) but there are many style/shape/cut options, they’re mostly all cotton, and they’re comfy af.

    2. RC*

      I got annoyed with VS having nothing cotton anymore (seriously… even the ones categorized as “cotton”… but I had a gift card, so). Just bought some to try from Pact and Duluth Trading Co (based on suggestions a couple weeks ago actually) and I think they’ll be good although I haven’t put them into rotation yet. I will say that the Duluth bikini ones that are *not* high-cut go way too high for most of my jeans (which seemed counter-intuitive… what does high cut actually mean??) but that pair was on sale and fit okay enough so I’m not going to bother returning them. But now that I know my size for sure I think I’ll get more later on. Pact had various cuts from bikini to boy shorts too, depending on what you like. Only thing that might be annoying is some front-hip seams, TBD.

      tl;dr: I’ll follow this thread too!

        1. RC*

          lol yeah I eventually inferred that, but the waistband is SO much higher on that one and the leg holes seem not the most different so it just seems illogical to me!

    4. Chapeau*

      I love the house brand from Macy’s. Charter Club, I think. Lots of cute prints, seasonal stuff, variety of cuts and styles.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      I’ve been buying the Hanes muti-pack of bikinis. Cheap but they last for a while. And I just noticed that JCPenney carries them. My previous source has been Target.
      Hanes also sells directly online to the public.

      1. Cat*

        I like Soma. And they have sales all the time. The first time I ordered I got a variety of things and realized what I liked but honestly, their stuff is super comfortable and really cute.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I like Soma too! I get either the multi packs of cotton, or wait for the sales and get the “vanishing edge” pieces.

    6. Jackalope*

      I’ve become a big fan of Tomboy X the last few years. They have a wide range of styles and sizes (XS-6XL), and they have a wide range of fun patterns. For example, I’ve seen camping themes, all sorts of random wildlife, rainbow leopard prints, dragons, phoenixes, etc. They’re more expensive than Jockey but they also last a really long time.

    7. Fantastic pants*

      I like Chantelle: they go up to below my navel and don’t have any seams anywhere. There is a cotton inlay in the crotch, but the rest is (breathable) synthetic, very silky-lightweight, dries quickly. Gave one to a friend and she says best underpants ever. They come in two „one size fits all“ only – one for big people (I am UK size 16-18), and one for tiny people (the ones I gave my friend I wouldn’t have any hope of getting my leg in). They come in beige, red, black, and leopard.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      I tried Evry based on online reviews and do NOT recommend.
      If you are not tall, they are extra high waisted, the pair I got went almost to my bra. Plus, the leg holes stretch during the day, and get saggy.

    11. Seashell*

      I like Tommy John, although of course they discontinued my favorite ribbed fabric. No wedgies with the briefs. They have one that’s mostly cotton, and they often have sales if you sign up for their emails.

    13. Workerbee*

      I like MeUndies. They don’t migrate toward Crack City and they just about feel invisible. I was just thinking I need more!

    15. DotDotDot*

      Joe fresh has a boyshort style with lace at the waistband, and they are super comfortable. I can’t wear anything with elastic at the legs since I started wearing these. And I say that as a person who normally can’t deal with lacy trim. These look cute but the lace isn’t pokey.

    16. Fiber attentive*

      I love meundies, for top and bottom. First undergarment brand I’ve had that didn’t make my dysphoria or dysmorphia worse. Cute, comfy, and very supportive. Lots of cuts abs pattern options, too.

  8. Teapot Translator*

    What are you listening to? Let’s hear about the podcasts, radio shows or even albums/playlists you’ve been listening to!

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I’ve been catching up on No Such Thing as A Fish and slowly listening to the newest You’re Dead to Me season.

      1. Tired*

        Came here to recommend No Such Thing As A Fish but see others have great taste too.

        Also like Hard Fork for tech news (not my field – I’m in higher Ed – but feel I need to know about it as students will graduate into the current chaotic fast changing world & I’m in a area where ethics, geopolitics etc matter to most students as well as “how to use”

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      You’re Dead to Me is my go to for doing stuff with my hands while my brain is less occupied. (Sewing, cooking, cleaning.)

    3. Unwelcome Guest*

      I’ve been listening to Overdue, a podcast with two guys talking about books. I find them quite funny, their episode on Beauty And The Beast had me cracking up in the car.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        The episode on Chicken Soup for the Soul was really good! (Most of the episode was actually about the book’s relationship to “self-help” grifting, which is a topic I’m very interested in as a permanent resident of the Michael Hobbes Podcast Universe.)

    4. RC*

      How Did This Get Made is my escapist ridiculousness at the moment. There have been some quality bad movies there recently.

      I also have the audiobook checked out for “What if we get it right?” by Ayana Elizabeth Johnson but I haven’t played it yet because I can’t tell if it’ll just make me angry because we are in the Worst Timeline and she wrote it before that.

    5. Weekender*

      the popcast with knox and Jamie! a fun, quirky podcast about pop culture, movies, and general chatter

    6. Clara Bowe*

      Strap in because I have been OBSESSED with a cryptid band for the last year.

      So, Natalia Kills was a dark pop girlie of the Foxes/Ivy Levan flavor of dark pop girlie circa ~2010-2013. Both her albums, Pefectionist and Trouble, are great, but there was a whole thing where she got banninated from the music industry for popping off on X-Factor New Zealand (there is rather good evidence they were setting her up to be the Simon Cowel “mean judge” but she was a woman and brown, and the bit got so toxic the show runners didn’t want to own up, they just left her to swing and TO THIS DAY people get real shirty in all the comments sections).

      ANYWAY, she (Teddy Sinclair/Natalia Kills) joined a couple other bands before settling in with Cruel Youth. Cruel Youth is the cryptid band, fyi. They managed to release one EP (30mg+) and it is a DELIGHT. Very sleazy Florida neon pop in a wonderful way! How every, every subsequent teased release has been scrapped. I think they have announced and bounced three full albums worth of stuff with only a handful of single releases. (Too Long ft Nurko is an easy find and GREAT.) She even wrote a song that got released for Black Pink (Happiest Girl) That did major business.

      HOWEVER, ISTG that someone in the music industry HATES Cruel Youth because all the albums invariably get leaked? And canceled? Like, for real, this band has MAYBE twelve official releases to their name, but over -135- songs of theirs exist as full recordings. That’s like, nine full albums worth of material! And even if some of them are legit demos, that is still bonkers!!!

      But the part where they are cryptids is that there is NO possible way this stuff could get leaked like this this consistently, or on YT channels that appear and disappear – sometimes even getting privated/unprivated on the Cruel Youth OFFICIAL CHANNEL – without some kind of insider input??? Like the last 23 songs got dumped online back in December!!! (Vodka Soda is an absolute bop, zero notes.)

      Also, likely due the bannination, all the official promo stuff for Natalia Kills and Cruel Youth has been scrubbed from the internet. Only limited fan content remains along with the random music uploads.

      So I have been listening to all the official and unofficial releases for the past year and I deeply desire others to find and listen to them. They are SO GOOD.

    7. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’ve almost finished listening to Stalked, which is a BBC investigative podcast about an online harassment campaign against one woman. (There are a lot of podcasts with this name – it’s the one featuring the journalist Carole Cadwalladr.) It’s not as depressing as you’d think, given the subject matter, and goes quite a bit into the effects of being the subject of this type of campaign.

      I’ve also been enjoying the Polyester Podcast, which is a feminist pop culture podcast hosted by two writers. The hosts have a great vibe together, and since one of them is English and one is Welsh, they have a different take on a lot of American and internet-related topics.

    8. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I’ve been rather heavily into Bo Burnham recently – especially his most current special “Inside” which he made during the pandemic but which I simply could not face at the time (I am someone who gets through hard stuff by not thinking about my feelings too deeply whilst going through it but then examining it later from a distance). Also his older stuff – where, admittedly, not everything he did is to my taste but that’s fine. He seems to have been very observing and well-spoken already as a teenager, and also to have grown greatly as a person since.

    9. *daha**

      Time for me to brag about the radio station I volunteer at. It’s WYCE out of Grand Rapids, Michigan, and streaming online everywhere. We play an eclectic mix of rock, jazz, blues, folk, and World Beat, all smooshed together. It’s great listening at any time, but especially on Mondays from noon to 3pm EDT, which is when I do my show. You can stream at our website, WYCE.ORG, or use our free aps for Android and IOS, tell your smart speaker Play WYCE or use any of the FM streaming sites/apps like tune in.

      1. Hoary Vervain*

        AHHHHHH I grew up on WYCE!!! To this day it’s my mom’s default radio channel. As a kid I always rolled my eyes at my mom, but it turned me into a sleeper-agent folkie whose young children are as likely to request the Indigo Girls as Cocomelon.

    10. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I’m listening to How Did This Get Made, a podcast where 3 comedians talk about bad movies. I’m going to see one of the live tapings on their upcoming tour, and I’m so excited.

    11. epicdemiologist*

      Serious Trouble, legal/political podcast by Josh Barro and Ken White (known as “Domestic Enemy Hat” on Bluesky).

    12. Past Lurker*

      Big Apple Trio is a jazz band from central Texas. I’m listening to their first album from many years ago “To The Core,” and they have a newer release called “It’s About Time.”

    13. The Petson from the Resume*

      Politics – Ezra Klein who is a liberal but has more conservative guests sometimes; although, not anyone who has been brainwashed . His voice is calming but also it’s getting me out of my social media echo chamber.

      Also found this week’s freakonomics 10 Myths about the US tax system neither democratic nor republican, liberal or conservative, just USA is screwed.

    14. I take tea*

      I found Storm Front (the first of Jim Butcher’s urban fantasy series The Dresden Files) on YouTube read by James Marsters. I really liked his way of reading and will look for more. I did enjoy the story, but not a favourite in any way. The reading lifted it to another level for me, and I’m not big on audio books usually. That was a fun experience.

    15. Hoary Vervain*

      Reading Smut, from the team that does Reading Glasses. Just launched, is excellent and fun and positive. Obviously VERY NSFW.

      Weird and Dead, a paleontology podcast by two female paleontologists who have Thoughts and Feelings about academia and paleontology and also love talking about cloacas and butt fossils. Also extremely NSFW.

      Just the Zoo of Us, an animal review podcast where they rate animals out of 10 in different categories. Half the episodes are the two regular hosts, a husband and wife team, and the other half are Ellen, the wife, interviewing an expert (sometimes more of a self-taught enthusiast) about their career and an animal. Family friendly (I’ve actually been re-listening to a lot of older episodes lately because my six year old is into it now, too) but still very informative and fun.

      Sawbones, medical history but also with a healthy dose of scientific perspective on modern medical baloney (including the current administration). Family-friendly but sometimes heavy. Also a husband and wife team, the wife (Dr Sydnee) is a family medicine doctor who now works at a shelter for people experiencing homelessness and that really informs her worldview and priorities.

      Let’s Learn Everything – sciency and nerdy topics from three friends who just love learning. So joyful, very NSFW.

      BTW, all of these podcasts except for Weird and Dead are from the Maximum Fun network, I love basically everything from them that’s related to any of my interests.

  9. Green Goose*

    Hi all! I’m trying to be better about not spending my evening scrolling on my phone after putting the littles to bed.
    Any tips? I can’t really leave the house, and can’t make a lot of noise (small house where small noises can wake up said littles). I LOVE making Lego kits but it’s a bit pricey and they are starting to take over my bookcase, I like painting but sometimes when I’m feeling a tad lazy it just feels like too much to set up, paint and then clean everything up.
    I like crosswords, card games, really up for suggestions and this seems like the perfect group for this type of question.

    1. Pidgeot*

      Are you interested in knitting or crocheting? Cross stitch can be pretty easy to get into if you start with the pre-printed kits (it’s like color by numbers but with stabbing). Couple those with podcasts or audiobooks and it should keep your hands and mind occupied.

      1. amoeba*

        Knitting is great – I recommend pairing it with an audiobook or podcast once you’ve got the hang of it, otherwise I’ll definitely get bored during the more repetitive parts, haha.

      2. UKDancer*

        Cross stitch is a lot of fun. I do the counted ones where you have a plan and have to replicate it rather than the printed ones. I find it very soothing. So in the evening I light a scented candle, play Sinatra and do my embroidery. It’s a lovely way to unwind.

      3. Zephy*

        “it’s like color by numbers but with stabbing” LMAO but yes you are correct. Last night I finally managed to wrangle a braincell long enough to work on my current cross-stitch project, a birth announcement for my impending niece (a feat I will need to accomplish a few more times, she’s due to enter the world in just a few weeks). Jammed in my earbuds, threw on a podcast, and managed to get a solid hour and a half of stitching done.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Do you hate re-making lego kits you already made or converting models into something else?

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Do you have a tablet, Macbook Air or Pro? Procreate is incredible software I discovered in an art class (it was used by the professional illustrator teaching the class) that really is like working with a brush, or pencils, or charcoal, but without the potential mess of paint and ink, the need to store everything and do something with the finished piece, etc. Works with the Apple pencil but also with your finger.

      Bonus: Procreate is sold to you for a one-time price of around $15 and then you own it. They rejected the subscription model. And they have rejected AI, reading their userbase as really not seeing any value there.

      Extra bonus: My library, under “Lifelong Learning,” offers a ton of videos from CreativeBug, teaching Procreate and a zillion other crafts. Worth checking as a resource.

      1. Purple stapler*

        I’m not even a decent artist by any means, but I enjoy doodling on my iPad. I just use the MS OneNote app. It’s free and the color choices are more extensive than on the Apple Notes app. I use a Logitech Crayon instead of an Apple Pencil. The Crayon is about $30 cheaper and I mostly use it for taking notes than drawing. If you’re more serious about drawing, you’ll want the features of the Apple Pencil.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        I’ll add on to this a little bit: reading magazines or short stories? Or even comic books/graphic novels? Those are all generally easier to start and stop than full-length novels or non-fiction books, so it might be easier an easier switch away from the phone.

        1. amoeba*

          Yeah, or just anything that’s “light reading” for you! There’s a lot of books that I enjoy but need to be in the flow/mood for and I easily get distracted by my phone. A light-weight rom com that’s maybe not the best book ever is much, much easier for me to get into. You have to check what kind of books work for you – for my boyfriend, it’s historical fiction with a lot of battles, haha.

          Also: either an e-reader or just reading with the Kindle (or similar) app on you phone can help! It’s much easier for me to switch from Instagram or whatever to the Kindle app and read an entertaining romance novel than it is to actually pick up that 800 page physical Fantasy novel, even if the latter is one I really enjoy.
          And once I’m back in the flow, it’s also much easier to read the “harder” books (that I’m actually wanting to read! No point in forcing yourself to read anything you don’t enjoy!)

      2. Purple stapler*

        Get magazines from your library on Libby app. Works best if you can read on a tablet as you’re going to be constantly zooming in and out on your phone.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Murdles are logic puzzles that are like a cross between sudoku and Clue. There are at least 3 books in the series. Very nice for a lightweight but kind of tricky puzzle.

      1. Zephy*

        He’s up to 5 or 6 now, including one for kids (or adults who aren’t very good at logic puzzles, LMAO). I love Murdle.

        I wouldn’t call it “like Sudoku” in any way other than there is a grid involved – there’s no math. Logic grid puzzles are their own kind of thing, G. T. Karber didn’t invent them. His innovation was adding grisly themes to the clues and an overarching storyline. So, if you’re not a fan of murder mysteries, there are tons upon tons of puzzles that work exactly like Murdles that aren’t so gruesome. You can find them at any bookstore and there are a few sites online with them, like PuzzleBaron.

        1. RagingADHD*

          There’s no math in Sudoku. The numbers are just tokens for “must be here, can’t be there.”

          I’ve only done Book 1, and I wouldn’t call it grisly of gruesome at all. It’s quite silly. Maybe the later ones are darker.

          1. KateM*

            Yeah, you can do sudoku with letters or pictures (check options of JigSawSoku (.com) for example), I have little kids do sudoku and many other logic puzzles with colourful blocks. You can even cross-stitch a sudoku if you have nine different colours of thread!

            But right now, I am doing sudoku variants which do actually use math, somewhat. I just finished the five/ten page, next page will be killer sudoku. I want to participate in a sudoku contest next month, that’s why I have been training myself with this magazine. ;)

    6. Decidedly Me*

      Seconding reading. Also, if painting feels like too much sometimes, what about a coloring book?

    7. Peanut Hamper*

      I just bought a set of Left Right Center dice and chips at the dollar-and-a-quarter store with the intention of developing a solitaire version of it. If you like card games, maybe figuring out different versions of them?

      And if you like games in general, you can always figure out a new version of Piecepack (piecepack dot net). Given your situation, a game where you have to accomplish something (making dinner, exerrcising, laundry, watching TV, etc.) without waking up the “littlest monsters” might be something a lot of people could relate to.

      1. Green Goose*

        I love them but because our house is so small there is no where to do them without the kids getting to them.

        1. Zona the Great*

          Look into a puzzle board! They fold up and store your puzzle in progress and you can slide it under your bed.

        2. Autumn*

          I do them on a big sheet of foam core, and when not working on them, put another big sheet of foam core on top and secure with extra large binder clips. I love to work on a puzzle and listen to an audiobook or podcast on headphones. Your library might have puzzles to check out, mine recently started having them.

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      I have my watercolours set up on a tray so that it’s easy to get out and them tuck aside when I’m done.
      After the kids go to bed, I often:
      -journal/ write on my blog
      -exercise- usually yoga or strength training with light dumbells
      – knit while watching tv
      -read

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        oooh, tell me more! What kind of a tray? Where does it go when you’re not painting? I always feel like I need to leave them out to dry before I put them away or they’ll mold. (I had that happen once!)

        1. Fellow Traveller*

          Oh just like a household tray big enough for three jars, my pain palette, box of paints, and box of brushes. The tray is maybe 12”x 16”. Then it goes on a table in the spare room when I’m not using it. I use tubes of water colour so I rinse it all away off the palette when I clean up, no need to wait for it to dry. Or if I’ve squeezed too much out and I don’t want towaste the paint, I wrap it in a Ziploc bag. Perhaps I live in a dryer climate that you? I imagine having art supplies mold would be so disappointing!!

          1. Ginger Cat Lady*

            It was so sad! I lost about a dozen pans because I closed the palette when they weren’t quite dry and then got sick and didn’t get back to it for about 2 weeks.
            Sadly, I can’t just leave a tray on a table because cats will get into it (and my cats can open doors…)

    11. Anon-E-Mouse*

      Paper quilling – initially you’ll probably buy some kits but then the supply costs will be fairly low. If you’ve seem greeting cards with designs made from tiny strips of curled, colored paper, that’s quilling. Get started with a kit from Etsy.

      English Paper Piecing. It’s a way of piecing together a quilt top by hand sewing pieces of fabric folded around small paper shapes.

    12. Rosyglasses*

      I’ve done one of those booknook kits; it’s a little diorama that you put together and have between books on your shelf. The one my husband got me for Christmas took me two weeks and I just ordered a second. I also really like the diamond art kits – I found a set that is national park themed and fairly large. One took me about a month or so of working at it.

      1. Zephy*

        I think the diamond art kits would have a similar mental “cost” of setup and cleanup – that’s not something you can just leave out when there are littles in the house. I suppose cross stitch is not dissimilar in terms of hazards to children (there’s a needle involved, after all), but I bought a tiny plastic crayon box at the craft store, and it fits my little magnetic tin for my needles and plenty of thread without an issue. I’m more worried about my cats eating my thread, and the plastic box is cat-proof (ymmv my cats are dumb as rocks, see above they crave the forbidden spaghetti), but it’s small enough to drop in a purse or put on a high shelf out of the reach of littles. The project itself is pretty flat, shouldn’t be hard to put on a high shelf as well.

    13. Slinky*

      Books of puzzles can be great for this. I’ve been working my way through Murdle volume 1, and already have volume 2 on the shelf!

    14. iglwif*

      My go-to is audiobooks or podcasts + knitting.

      I can’t just do one or the other! If I’m not doing something with my hands while listening, I’ll end up doomscrolling or playing games on my phone; if I’m just knitting, unless it’s something pretty complex like cabling or colourwork, I get restless or, worse, start singing out loud whatever soundtrack is playing in my head, which is … not quiet.

      Knitting is excellent because it’s quiet. Crochet, cross-stitch, embroidery, latch-hook, colouring, sketching, watercolour painting — any of those have potential, depending on where your inclinations lie. For me, audiobooks/podcasts also pair well with tidying, baking, and washing dishes–YMMV.

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      Besides reading, maybe collage? A great way to use old greeting cards and calendars.

    16. sb51*

      Have you ever tried cryptic/British style crosswords? (Also if you don’t already have it, the Puzzazz app is a great crossword app and will handle the standard crossword download format, so there’s lots out there to add to it along with the books you can buy in it. (There’s bunches of indie puzzle authors on Patreon.)

      Alternatively, have you ever wanted to learn a new language? That can scratch that same itch.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        This. I grew up doing standard American crosswords, still must do the NYT every morning and also subscribe to a bunch of indie crosswords. While I enjoy them a lot, they are usually not all that challenging for me (even the NYT Saturdays). During lockdown I started doing cryptics. MUCH more challenging and absorbing. There’s a learning curve and I’m still climbing it four+ years later. The British cryptics are still mostly beyond me. I have several collections by Peter Glass that are fun and have an innovative answer key that makes it possible to look up a single answer. I also have Puzzazz for my iPad and they have some easier cryptic collections.

        Other more challenging word puzzles: Rows Gardens, invented by Patrick Berry. Search for his name and “puzzle site” and check out the free puzzles. If you like those, you can find a lot available for relatively low cost. The Wall Street Journal has puzzles six days a week (available without a subscription) and they have variety puzzles every Saturday that are fun.

    17. chocolate muffins*

      Maybe Sodoku or the logic puzzles that go like this: Amy, Betty, and Carol live in different cities and have different hobbies. Amy doesn’t live in Boston. The person who lives in New York doesn’t like to bake. Etc, and tgen you figure out which person lives where and soes which hobby.

      I also like to read in the bath before I go to bed most nights. Sometimes with bath bombs or bubbles.

    18. Hearts & Minds*

      Pretty stationery, your favorite kind of pen or writing utensil, a nice scented candle and calm music, and write a letter to friends/family each night or whatever frequency suits you?

    19. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I often suggest Zentangle. You create little 2″x2″ complex images just by repeating small things over and over, like squiggles or half circles or waves, then adding a bit of shading with a lead pencil. They’re very cool and so small that they’re fast. No mess, no cleanup, easily tucked away. I got a kit for this early in the pandemic and find it very meditative. They have a website run by the people who created it and keep adding new elements to learn and add into the mix.

    1. Sloanicota*

      My pie was a disaster haha sob. I was trying to make a chocolate chess pie with a graham cracker crust, but I couldn’t find the vinegar I bought specifically for the recipe, and when I pulled down my mixing bowl I dropped it and shattered my pre-baked crust. Still proceeded because, I mean, it’s butter and sugar, it’s going to taste okay even if it’s not ready for instagram.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Ordered pizza for dinner in honor.

      When I stopped at the farmstand they had individual apple pies, but only large size pecan pies. I love pecan pie but one slice does me for the next month.

      1. sb51*

        Pecan freezes very well, fyi! We pulled the last two pieces leftover from last Thanksgiving out yesterday and they were still great.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      THAT’S why my math teacher coworker had a pumpkin shirt with Pi on it today! I saw her from far enough away that I wasn’t able to ask and it seemed a bit Halloweenish for March :)

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We had pizza. I got the makings for a key lime pie but didn’t remember until it was too late so I’ll make that in the morning :)

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      When I left work at least three of our stores were running at two hours thirty minutes for delivery, so.

    7. Clara Bowe*

      We had an event at work where our Big Grandboss handed out hand pies. It was nice! Would have preferred full slices, but the lemon tart was tasty!

    8. Shiara*

      I got a french silk pie in honor and then we forgot to eat it because dinner and bedtime were absolutely crazy. I’m looking forward to it today!

    9. Tiny Clay Insects*

      A local diner gives free pie to anyone who can recite at least 10 digits of pi. My friend who loves math and pi in specific, said, when they went there to do this, “I think they got annoyed when I reached 100 digits.”

    10. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      We had an onion pie for dinner last night. It’s an Alsatian Jewish recipe, eggs and onions in a tart crust, so vaguely reminiscent of quiche without cheese or other dairy.

      The household pie baker is considering celebrating 2 pi day on June 28th with one sweet pie and one savory.

    11. Six Feldspar*

      I didn’t get to do anything on the day so I made an almost pie (galette) for almost pi day on the fifteenth. I used plums and they made lovely gorey looking dribbles to match the Ides of March!

    12. Forrest Rhodes*

      Hello, Pie Town! One of my favorite little NM places.
      Happy Pi Day to you, a day late.

  12. Unwelcome Guest*

    Is it rude to ask to stay with a family member/friend so you can go to an event near them when you don’t normally go to visit them?

    I have a brother who lives several states away from me, a plane flight away. He moved right before Covid and obviously I didn’t see him in-person for a while due to Covid. I finally saw him in-person at a family gathering back in our hometown but I had not gone out to see him in his new place. A year or two ago, there was a one-time event held in the city where he lives that I wanted to see. I talked with another family member about asking my brother if I could visit and stay with him to attend this event. This person said it was rude to ask this when I hadn’t been out just to see my brother and now I was only asking to go for this event. I said that I would obviously spend time with my brother, buy him some meals as a thank you, and even offer to pay if he wanted to go to the event with me (I doubt he would have been interested in the event but I would have been delighted if he wanted to come with me), but this other family member insisted it was rude. Partially due to that person’s remarks and partially due to finances, I didn’t ask my brother and didn’t go to the event, which I still regret as it’s never come back.

    Now there’s a different event in a different location with a different family member (my aunt) who I also only see at large family gatherings and haven’t made an effort to visit at her house before. I’m just as friendly and close with my aunt as my brother and I’d extend the same offer of meals and an invite to the event. Personally if either my brother or my aunt asked to stay at my place for an event when they’ve never come just to see me before, I would welcome them. But is this an error in social decorum that I’ve overlooked?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      It’s one of those things that varies by the people involved. If you overall have a warm relationship (even if just when you see each other at family gatherings every few years) I think it’s usually a good idea, if the person has a spare room. If the other person privately feels ignored or used by you, then it’s likely to land poorly.

      There are many people who would think “Great, a chance to see Ungie! And with built in entertainment for her so I don’t have to plan stuff.”

    2. Sloanicota*

      This is a tough one as there are plenty of people I’d expect to be totally happy to hear “I’m in your area, I’d love to hang out while I’m there” (my siblings) and others who would struggle with this (my elderly aunt). If I’m only willing to do the event if I get a free place to stay, that’s a bit tough too; ideally, I’d be totally willing to rent a hotel room but if they offer that I can stay with them, great.

      1. amoeba*

        Yeah, I think this is the way for people I’m not super close with – just mention that you’ll be in town and would like to spend some time with them and ask them for hotel recommendations. So far, I’ve had a 100% quota of them offering to stay at their place!

        That said, with close friends (don’t really have any close family members to whom that would apply…) I’d just ask and not worry about it! And for the reverse, I’d be absolutely fine with people just asking me, even if they’re not super close. Like, good acquaintance level, asking to stay for a night because they’re on the area? No problem at all. For a whole weekend, they should probably at least be close-ish friends but then I’d honestly find it weird if they suggested a hotel, of course they can stay!

          1. Hearts & Minds*

            Adding – the intent here isn’t meant to be a manipulation tactic, just an opportunity for the person in the destination area to gracefully decline without hurt feelings.

            Like Russian in Texas, I personally would much prefer a nice hotel anyway.

    3. Peanut Hamper*

      My family is Extremely Not Normal™ but I think in your situation I would have approached your brother and said “Hey, I’m coming to your city for _event_ and was wondering if you could recommend any places to stay and if you would have any time to visit while I’m in town?” and then just go off of whatever he said. He might have recommended a hotel, or he might have said “A hotel? No, come and stay with me!” That puts the ball pretty firmly in his court and lets him establish whatever boundaries he might need.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This. I absolutely one thousand percent do not tolerate anyone inviting themselves to stay at my house, including my parents and ESPECIALLY my siblings, but if someone I was willing to host asked me for where-to-stay suggestions in my neck of the woods, I’d be happy to offer them my guest room if timing/logistics worked out, or a hotel recommendation with an invite for dinner if it didn’t. But the emphasis there is definitely on OFFER.

        1. Double A*

          This reaction seems so extreme to me. Is this because you have a strained relationship with your relatives? Or just an incredibly busy schedule? Sorry if that’s too personal but I don’t understand having a guest room but not wanting guests unless there’s boundary issues with aforementioned issues. Which if there is, fair enough!

          I’m curious, would you be upset if they came to an event in your neck of the woods and didn’t get in touch to see you since they didn’t want to impose on you?

          1. Ginger Cat Lady*

            I’ve had family members presume that they will be staying with me before, and I totally get her boundary there. She may have other guests in town, she may have an intense work week and not be up to hosting, she may be repainting, she may just not be in the mood for it. She may have any number of reasons – and simply having a guest room does not mean her family is entitled to it.
            It’s rude to make the assumption that a family member’s home is open to you as a free hotel. Or even put her in a position of having to say no.
            I also think it’s rude of you to assume that it MUST mean that she’s on bad terms with her family.
            You don’t have to understand her perspective. But you should avoid jumping to conclusions/judgement about something you don’t understand/

            1. amoeba*

              Yeah, just assuming they can stay is definitely rude, but that’s not the same as asking? I mean, as I wrote further up, I’m all for the “oh, can you recommend where to stay” routine if it’s somebody I don’t know well – but with people I’m close to, I’ll just say “oh, could I stay at your place? Of course fine if it doesn’t work out, in that case I’ll find a hotel!”

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                Presumably if you’re close to them you know whether they’re ok with you asking or if they would prefer you wait to be invited. :)

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I didn’t say I don’t want guests. I said I don’t tolerate anyone inviting themselves to stay with me, because I have this weird insistence on being in charge of my own space. :-P

            I have high expectations of myself and my household to host. Plus I am a massive introvert. So I only invite people into my space if I both have the capacity to host them to my own standards, and have the willingness to stress myself out in doing so (and the recovery time needed to decompress after they leave).

            No, I wouldn’t be particularly upset if they came through and didn’t reach out. If they’re here for an event, then that’s their focus and I’m fine with that. My out of state brother pretty regularly comes near my town to take his ward to and from family visits, and he doesn’t say anything to me because he doesn’t usually have time for extra visits along his way. I assume if he wanted to make time to see me he would let me know he was going to be in the area when he started planning his trip, and if he did I’d be happy to meet him somewhere or whatever. But my family has all known me for quite some time and know I don’t appreciate impromptu or uninvited visits.

          3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Meant to add – the fact that I have a guest room means I can share it when I want to. Not that other people are entitled to use it whenever they want to.

        2. UKDancer*

          Yes I hate people inviting themselves and I’m fussy who I host. I also don’t much like staying in other peoples houses and usually prefer a hotel and a meeting on neutral turf.

          I would usually let someone know I’m coming to something and ask if they want to meet up. They may offer a room or just want to meet for lunch. Or they may be away. I may prefer a hotel.

          That has always worked for me.

        3. RussianInTexas*

          Yes, I would not want someone to presume to stay with me. It’s up to me to invite someone.
          But I myself do not like to stay at people’s houses, feel super awkward and much prefer a hotel.

          1. amoeba*

            But asking is not the same as presuming, is it? Of course, I think most people would find “I’ll be in town, prepare the bedroom!” impolite…

            1. RussianInTexas*

              I think it’s the situation of putting someone on the spot, making them being the bad guy in refusal, vs having the stay offered voluntarily.

              1. amoeba*

                Yeah, I guess that’s a bit “ask vs guess culture” again?
                Anyway, while I’m a fan of asking directly for close people, I definitely agree that you need to make it easy to say no! “Would you have a bed for me or just time to meet up for dinner? No worries if not!” would be fine with me and most people I know. Making somebody feel bad for saying no, definitely not.

                1. Hyaline*

                  Came here to say exactly this! It feels very much like some people believe it’s polite to do the “create opportunity to make an offer” dance and simply asking would be blunt and rude and presumptive, and others believe it’s polite to simply ask if you have that sort of relationship and it might even be rude to not come out and say it. I think you have to assume you know your friends’ and family’s ask vs offer culture best.

              2. HBJ*

                ?? I’ve turned people down who asked to stay with me (did it this week, in fact!) and never felt like the bad guy. It’s not bad to ask, and it’s not bad to say no.

        4. Alex*

          This is an example of “you have to know your audience,” because I personally can’t stand when people try to hint at what they want to try to get me to offer. It is probably one of my biggest pet peeves!

          Maybe this is a symptom of ask/guess culture? I’m definitely in the ASK camp.

          The timing of this is hilarious because someone just reached out to me yesterday–someone I’m not particularly close to–asking to stay at my house while they were attending an event in my area! I’m delighted to host them, even though we haven’t really spoken in years. And when I say years, they had to get my phone number from someone we both know.

          1. Jay (no, the other one)*

            Yup. I was just thinking this is an “ask/guess” culture thing and also a need to know your audience. I have a dear friend who lives outside DC, and I often go down there for museum exhibits or other things. I used to call and say “I’ll be there if you want to get together” and she always invited me to stay. Now I call and ask if I can stay with her.

            OTOH my brother lives in NYC and I have never asked to stay with him. He knows I come to the city and often stay overnight and he has never offered. He knows he would be welcome to spend the night here and he has never done that – on the rare occasions he has been in this area overnight, he stays in a hotel.

            I would not be upset if someone asked to stay with me. I would also have no problem saying “would love to see you – not in a position to have you over. Want me to help you find a hotel?”

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Weirdly I am usually the most gung-ho for asking, and guess culture drives me nuts. This is apparently my exception, heh. The only one that I can think of, actually, barring something wildly off-kilter and so generally inappropriate to most of us that I can’t actually imagine anyone asking me.

      2. Despachito*

        This is a great idea!

        So you make him feel free to offer if he feels like it, and if he doesn’t, he is not forced to refuse.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I think it’s fine in theory but depends on the relationship – how close you are, if they are the type of person to enjoy houseguests in general, etc. Maybe a good way to split the difference is let them know you’re going to be in their area and want to see them, and let them decide if they want to offer to host you.

    5. MSD*

      I go back and forth on how I’d feel if I were your relative. It feels kind of hurtful more than rude. I’m not a big enough draw for a visit. I’d probably be happy you’d see me when you’re in the area but maybe not stay with me. I think it all depends on your relationship. As others said, make refundable reservations somewhere; tell your relative you’ll be in the area. If they offer you a place to stay then cancel your reservation. Definitely visit and go out to dinner regardless of where you stay.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Obviously this varies a lot by personality and family. For myself, I love it when family (included very extended family) asks to stay with me when they’re in town. It doesn’t bother me at all that they don’t especially come to visit just to see me.

      I personally think it’s sad and weird that your relative thought it was better for you to CONTINUE to not see your brother, just to avoid seeing him when you also had some other reason to be in town. Who wins? You just go even longer without connecting.

      1. Fantastic pants*

        I agree with your last point. It’s better to see each other than not!!
        And also – it’s a two way street, these relatives could also have contributed to maintaining the connection by seeking out OP! So it’s not their fault that it’s a more distanced connection.

    7. Double A*

      Personally, I love having people stay and staying with people. I dislike the rigid individualism that suggests we shouldn’t stay with friends and relatives (and instead should pay money to the hotel industry, hmmmmm. interesting how rugged individualism requires us to spend so much money. Capitalisms would love if we didn’t rely on our communities for shelter).

      As everyone has mentioned, it does depend on your relationship, but I would err on the side of asking to stay. I would be really hurt if my brother came to town and didn’t ask to stay with me. Because of course I want to see him, and staying with us means more time. And we’re not even all that close.

      1. Yankees fans are awesome!*

        That’s quite a leap. There are a thousand reasons why staying at a friend or relative’s home isn’t doable, and have nothing to do with paying homage to the hotel industry via capitalism or rugged individualism.

        *sigh* Honestly…

        1. UKDancer*

          Definitely. I prefer staying in hotels because I am fussy and also don’t always sleep and sometimes want to wander around or sit up late. I mean I do have family and friends I stay with but it’s not a common thing.

          Also a number of my friends have cats or dogs which is nice but I like breathing. So I prefer not staying with my pet having friends on account of otherwise I wheeze like a consumptive and itch all over. Better to meet somewhere else and spend time together then retreat to a hotel.

          Also I like having clean crisp linen, someone to make my bed, a really good shower and a cooked breakfast in the morning. I actually enjoy staying in hotels and being waited on a bit.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            All these things! I feel super awkward staying with friends or family. I don’t have to worry about waking someone up, or someone waking me up. The shower is always available, I don’t have wonder what food in the fridge I can eat, I can wander around the hotel room undressed.
            And honestly, I get tired of people. It’s nice to have a break.

            1. RussianInTexas*

              I also don’t like to host people. It’s that simple. When I lived by myself, in a once bedroom apartment, for about 13 years, I have not hosted my friends once. I mean literally. Now I live with a partner, in a house, we host occasionally, and it requires some mental preparedness. Extra cleaning, extra food, extra conciderations. I do not like people in my house, that includes my immediate family whom I love.
              Since we moved in 10 year ago, there been only about 4 overnight stays here total, each of no longer than one night.

              1. allathian*

                We’ve lived in our current house for 13 years and haven’t hosted any overnight guests except our son’s best friend once when the boys were in first or second grade, and don’t plan to. Our closest extended family members live in the same city, so there’s no need to host them.

                I also don’t like staying overnight in other people’s houses, last time that happened was about 10 years ago. My husband’s uncle and especially his wife would’ve been mortally offended if we’d refused the invitation. Now they’re in their late 70s and have downsized so they couldn’t host overnight guests anyway, no room.

    8. Rara Avis*

      I come from a family that does visits all the time this way. There would be very hurt feelings if someone came to an area and didn’t ask to stay. (The best example — my husband and I travelled to Italy from the US. We called up distant relatives (his family had immigrated to America two generations before) and asked if we could come for a visit for a few hours. When we arrived at the ancestral farmhouse, we were welcomed with open arms by three generations of cousins, who asked us how many days we were staying.) My husband and I drove from Florida to New Hampshire every summer for 5 years. We stayed with family all along the eastern seaboard. My kid is going to a camp across the country this summer in a town where a bunch of cousins live that we haven’t seen for years. When they found out, they offered all the things — a place to stay, or a ride from the airport, or even just take them out to dinner. But the other side of the coin is that people feel free to say no. In college I asked for a visit in Boston for a big sports event, but it happened to be their anniversary weekend, so they didn’t want to host.

    9. tabloidtainted*

      Baffling to me that it might be rude to ask to stay with a family member as close as a *sibling*.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        For a lot of people, “family member” – even “sibling” – doesn’t automatically mean “close.” But you go on and judge all you want.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          In my family we all more or less love each other and the default is still a hotel, regardless of who is visiting who, with the exception of possibly my mother if she ever manages to visit the US, since she does not speak English, nor drives. Otherwise no one stays with anyone. We absolutely meet and hang out, but afterwards go to the hotels for some peace.

    10. Oink*

      I’m with a prior comment stating it depends on the person and the context. I can think of multiple people in my life where this would be okay, and others not.

      But even with potential hosts who would likely welcome me, I would make it absolutely clear they can say no.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        One context is whether asking for a favor means “I have exhausted all other avenues and and swallowing my pride, so there is a real onus on the askee to say yes” or “I am looking at different options and collecting data, would this work for you? If not I shall move on to option 8C with no hard feelings at all, hoping that things work out next time one of us is near the other.”

    11. Shiara*

      In my family it’s fine to ask, as long as you’re okay with hearing No. I’ve had people reach out with “Hey, I’m thinking of going to event. Do you have a spare mattress that weekend or would you have time to meet up for dinner?” and done similar. Also had my aunt reach out on my cousin’s behalf to “meet up” so that I could then volunteer to host cousin while they were in the area.

    12. allx*

      I don’t think it’s rude. I love when any of my relatives say they are going to be in my town and want to stay. It helps strengthen the relationship. We have room and it gives us catch up time with people we otherwise wouldn’t see (mostly neices/great-neices, sometimes siblings). And when they have their own plans, it cuts down on how much “entertaining” is required–the first night’s chit-chat, a meal or two, and the visit is done. I’m pretty sure your aunt wil be delighted to see you. If you ask in a way that lets her say no if she really doesn’t want someone staying with her then it doesn’t hurt to ask. “I am going to be in town, do you have room for me to stay?” “…is it bad timing or can I stay x nights with you?” “…would it be too incovenient for you if I stayed with you?” For the brother situation, I would have just said, “can I stay with you?”

    13. My Brain is Exploding*

      I don’t think it’s rude to ask as long as you are ok with hearing the word no, and…you have to know your audience (are they the folks that would feel like they had to say yes but be resentful about it?). We’ve always had our close relatives ask if a certain time would be ok, and sometimes it isn’t and we’ve told them so.

    14. Charly*

      I think that’s totally fine! Might depend on your age/situation. I’m in my twenties and this kind of casual thing vs. a formal visit feels very normal.

    15. What if …*

      Hypothetically… If your aunt said “yes” and, later, the event was subsequently cancelled, would you still make the trip so you could visit with her?

    16. chocolate muffins*

      This seems totally fine to me. I would phrase the request in a way that makes it as easy as possible for the other person to say no – others above have some good suggestions for specific language.

      If someone asked me for hotel recommendations I would assume they didn’t want to stay with me. You need to know the person you’re asking, but if they’re like me they might have been happy for you to stay but not offer because you explicitly asked for something else.

    17. WestsideStory*

      I would think it rude if a neice or nephew of mine called to ask to stay with me, if they hadn’t been in touch except for family gatherings! I would not be pleased that a relative thought of me only when I wanted something from them!
      Your brother may be a different story, perhaps there is a reason you are not in good touch with him? May I suggest you actual try to think of people as people, who wouldn’t mind a call or a card through the year. I stay in touch with the nieces and nephews mainly through Facebook and the occasional text – I know a bit about their lives, they know a bit about mine. They know they can call me for accommodations any time they come to my city. Ditto for the extended family of all ages.
      This is not so much an error in social decorum as it is you wanting to benefit from a relationship without putting in the work. Sorry but you wanted points of view, and this is mine.

      1. WestsideStory*

        I guess what I’m not clear about is whether you actually speak on the phone or other wise communicate on a regular basis with your brother and your aunt. Maybe the determining factor would be, “Would they be surprised to hear from me, now that I have a reason to stay at their place?” versus. “We talk all the time, I just haven’t been able to visit with them because time/finances/work etc.”

        1. Unwelcome Guest*

          You’re acting like I have no relationship with them whatsoever and would show up at a distant relative’s house to stay for a month. I talk with both my brother and aunt on the phone, comment on social media updates, and send memes or funny videos back and forth. I love sending mail to people and have sent both of them a card in the last month, which they thanked me for thinking of them in a text message. The key about my question was visiting in-person. I don’t visit with them in-person outside of large family gatherings, and they have also never visited me, which I expressed in my post.

          So shocking as it may be to you, I do “think of people as people”. You read way too much into this when I expressed being close with both my aunt and my brother aside from in-person visiting; it has been Covid, finances, and limited vacation leave that kept me from visiting them.

    18. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Eh, I have stayed at people’s houses when I barely knew them, especially as a student trying to save money (think, lady from church’s son who lived where I was traveling to, whom I had never met) and now we host people in our home all the time, even if it’s been years since we’ve heard from them (uni acquaintances). Unless we had a reason to not get along back then, I’m always happy to hear from someone I used to know and get a chance to catch up. I think my parents were just cheap and so we always looked to stay with someone if we could, so I see it as paying forward the hospitality I received.

  13. Just Want to Mess Around*

    Okay, maybe a weird question. I have kind of a boring, finicky career so I love to do messy creative projects on my own time as an antidote. However, I keep running into people who have a lot of enjoyment and emphasis on Doing Things Right, and in my hobby spaces, I am ticking these people off (and honestly, vice versa). I suspect some people are just a lot naturally higher on the conscientiousness scale than I am, so Doing Things Right is a source of joy in its own merit, as is “working hard at something with a lot of discipline to show improvement.” They would really like to teach me the right way and want me to listen respectfully and then diligently labor at the task. Mad respect, but I am the OPPOSITE of that in my hobby life. I want to jump in and play around, not follow directions or listen to a lot of rules. What hobbies do you think might lend itself better to my fellow Type-B people? And am I totally alone in this predilection?

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      Sounds like you’ve run into a lot of gatekeepers.

      I’m not sure what hobbies you’re into, but there are a lot of people on Instragram that do really cool crafts who don’t insist on doing it The One True Way.

      Maybe search for your craft and add “for kids” to the search query? People who do crafts with kids tend to be a lot less rigid about The One True Way. I saw someone doing the equivalent of a linoleum block print the other day, only they were using the foam trays that come under meat or produce, and I thought “yep, that’s about where I am with this” and went and dug some of those trays out of the recycling bin.

      Honestly, the point of doing crafts is to have fun and relax, so any time I run into people like the ones you are running into, I just use a pointed stick to push them away. Gatekeepers be damned.

      1. Just Want to Mess Around*

        So far the hobbies are: knitting group (I may not hold my needles correctly and don’t use patterns, and when I need to do something tricky I switch back and forth between knit and crochet – so my projects are sometimes kind of ugly, but that’s not … really hurting anyone but myself?) cello, but I just play for myself, not with an orchestra or anything – stained glass, although I did pay attention in the “basics” class so I’m not a safety hazard, but my pieces rarely fit perfectly together and I don’t mind uneven soldering if I think the final product is cool. I’m thinking if I switched to something like painting w/ acrylics perhaps people wouldn’t be as annoyed by my failings?

        1. Evvy*

          Those all sound fine and relatively normal to me! The people you are describing sound a little annoying, if maybe well-intentioned. I’ve been part of hobby groups before and would have been very taken aback if anyone had extended advice that wasn’t offered in a spirit of “here’s how to do [x] thing a more advanced way, but only if you want to!” I guess what I’m saying is I wouldn’t have thought of knitting, playing an instrument or stained glass (which are all super cool!) to inherently be filled with boundary-ignoring people, but I guess the potential for them exists in every hobby? Sorry you’re experiencing this. But I just want to say again that the way you’re enjoying those particular activities sounds normal and I don’t think it sounds like you’re infringing on your fellow hobbyists in any way.

        2. hummingbird*

          Is it the instructor that complains about your soldering? She just might want you to know since too little would effect the strength. My pieces are designed by her but I do the work and she’s always tried to ensure that the finished work would hold together and look like the design.

          What about watercolor? It’s a more lenient style of painting. IDK, it’s all the painting I do and the acrylics people are a bit uptight how watercolor painting isn’t “perfect” ie photo realistic – which I like.

          Also, re quilting. Quilting as a picture is a thing! My sister does that. I just don’t know the name.

          1. Gloaming*

            I’m a furnace worker (glassblowing) and honestly it makes me super uncomfortable when beginners are doing something messily & not responding to tips about how to do it better. A big part of working safely in the hotshop is moving predictably. Also, if they don’t listen to general pointers (you’re working too cold grab more heat) then I can’t know that they’ll listen to the more important ones (‘don’t cut that, it’s too cold and will break the tools’) or the really important and too urgent to fully explain (‘**Don’t swing that**’ (because if you do glass will fly across the studio and might hit someone)).

            When more experienced people get unorthodox about things it genuinely doesn’t bother me because I know that they know enough to not get people hurt. If they want to make weird off-center wonky pieces that’s their business not mine. But when someone new comes in and tries to be ‘freeform’, that’s actually a pretty big problem, and getting through the ‘basics’ class isn’t enough to alleviate that worry.

            I’m guessing that’s less of a worry with stained glass (do you use an oxypropane in that? Is it stuff with cutting/dust/fumes safety?) but it’s possible that there’s some bleedover happening from lampworkers or something.

            1. hummingbird*

              It’s a soldering iron. They said they paid attention to the basics class and aren’t a hazard.

              1. Gloaming*

                In my experience, every beginner thinks they aren’t a hazard regardless of whether that’s true or not. I’d be surprised if stuff like dust, fumes & minor shrapnel (from thermal shock) weren’t in play here. If their studio runs off of class revenue and/or ‘glass experience’ stuff, then safety/liability is a big deal.

                Again, I have no idea how reasonable it is or isn’t in this case, but depending on their studio makeup it’s not inconceivable that people could be very on edge about newbies just going at it.

              2. Gloaming*

                (Also, one of my personal pet peeves is people treating health and safety stuff lightly because it happens in an ‘artistic’ environment instead of in a lab. A lot of artists media have some *very* nasty shit in there (heavy metals, solvents, etc.), and it’s treated very casually because it happens in a one-person studio with hobbyists or professional artists who aren’t employees and so don’t have an EH&S department protecting them. No one systematically tells most artists about the hazards they’re exposing themselves to (often from high school), and IMO that’s pretty messed up.)

                1. I’m not that girl*

                  These are all good points. And a chance to remind everyone that if you’re going to be using spray paint, to use that stuff OUTSIDE—not just because of the mess but for safety reasons too*

                  *used to work in an art college, had to liaison with the EHS guy a lot. Especially because a lot of people in the fine arts department had a VERY “ehhh, it’s all good, how very dare you tell us about the rulz” approach to health and safety (insert face palm emoji)

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          I think part of it may be the dreaded Creator’s Curse, in which the maker sees all their “mistakes” that are invisible to anyone but them, and when they see you just fine with stuff and enjoying the process for its own sake, it triggers them.

          Husband is an artist, and he can drive me bats when I try to compliment his (amazing) work. Every single time, he points out all the ways he thinks he fell short, which makes me irritated and feel like he thinks I’m a dummy for enjoying his stuff.

          1. Jay (no, the other one)*

            Solidarity from the wife of a glassblower. He doesn’t think I’m an idiot and he is at least self-aware enough to realize he sees the mistakes others will not.

            Years ago he noticed a photo of a garden at my mother’s house. “That’s gorgeous!” he said. “Where is that?” Mom looked at him oddly and said “Your house. That’s your back garden.” He stared at it and said “Funny, when I see it at home I only see the weeds.” To his credit, he took the lesson to heart.

        4. Hotdog not dog*

          Maybe you just need a different knitting group. I’m in one where some of us knit and some crochet. I just learned knitting about 6 weeks ago, one of the women can whip out a whole sweater in a week, and everyone else is somewhere in between. Ages range from mid twenties to 90s. The only formal rule we have is to be respectful.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Does your practice of the hobby impinge on theirs? Like, if you were all performing together, would your messy practice screw up the show? Or is it the kind of thing that presents safety issues?

      If so, then you probably need to find solo hobbies so you aren’t negatively impacting other people.

      But if that’s not a factor and these people are just interfering and trying to boss you around, then I think you may have just run into a common problem in hobby spaces, where the gatekeepers / killjoys glom onto newbies because the newbies are the only ones who will put up with them. It’s not necessarily the nature of the hobby, but a theme in pretty much all group dynamics.

      Usually if you politely insist that you’re fine, thanks, or some noncommittal comment like, “Well, that’s one way of looking at it,” they will eventually get tired of it. And then you can look for the folks who are also doing their own thing creatively. They tend to not put themselves forward as much, because they’re minding their own business instead of trying to mind everyone else’s.

      1. Angstrom*

        Good point on the difference between solo and group hobby activities.

        I will admit that when I was young I was adamant that the One True Way was the way I had learned, and all others were wrong. I probably was one of those annoying people. Now I’m happy to show my way and explain why I do it, but my attitude is “Do whatever works for you! Have fun!”

      2. Reba*

        Yeah, I think it’s worth trying a few times to push back on the Instructor personalities a few times, before giving up on a group. (Then give up for your sanity)
        “I’m good.”
        “Please don’t analyze my knitting, I’m just here to have fun with yarn.”
        “I’ll let you know if I want help.”
        “[Blank stare like were we talking?]”

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I agree that it’s a big difference between “you do you” and “You doing you is interfering with us.”

        If you’re part of a string quartet, say, the other members might need a certain level of practice/skill to feel they aren’t wasting their time. But if it’s simply a class, then it’s your bow and your time and you can do what you want.

    3. RLC*

      Firstly: you’re not alone! There’s at least two of us….
      My hobbies include quilting, gardening, and furniture restoration. Mostly self taught from books and questions to like minded hobbyists. The “hobby rules enforcement” has criticized me for developing my own quilt designs and rejecting published patterns (also for never taking classroom sewing lessons) and for filling my garden with unfashionable Victorian flowers, among other “concerns”.
      Perhaps the best part of self teaching from books or other media is the ability to set aside or to choose to ignore the guidance without criticism. Humans can be deeply invested in their way of doing a hobby, to the point of discouraging others as you have found.
      Also, I’ve observed that older (pre-1950) books and magazines on hobbies and crafts tend to be less structured and prescriptive in their guidance, more a collection of ideas and suggestions and general framework.
      Good luck and hope you discover a fun hobby: in my eyes the entire point of a hobby is to play!

      1. Just Want to Mess Around*

        Ooh yeah I had to stop quilting. The “right” way to quilt was a lot of to-me-ugly-looking repetitive patterns that are very precise to cut, and the quilts I liked were “picture quilts” that “weren’t really quilting.” LOL.

        1. Wireknitter*

          Check out fandominstitches dot com for picture quilting. This is by far my favorite type of quilting (American paper piecing). Fandominstitches is free licensed pop culture blocks, but you can also buy lots of other patterns if you find you like the technique.

      2. Banana Pyjamas*

        A lot of those older materials are also available on the Internet Archive, and Pinterest makes it much easier to find the books you want. Pinterest and the Internet Archive are the dynamic duo.

    4. MSD*

      I don’t have a solution but I will say that I’ve found that nearly every hobby/activity/whatever seems to have a “this is the right way to do this” lecturer. I also have to admit that watching someone holding their knitting needles wrong would bring out the teacher in me.

      1. o_gal*

        “holding their knitting needles wrong” – that’s the problem right there. Sorry to call you out specifically, but there IS NO WRONG WAY TO HOLD KNITTING NEEDLES! Sorry to shout, but everyone needs to chill out. I also hold them “wrong”. I don’t care that anyone thinks it’s “wrong”. It works for me and doesn’t strain anything in my hands or wrists. Maybe there is another way that might be better, but I get projects done and for the most part, they look good. I’ve done 4 sweaters and only the first one, where I was learning, is the one that I don’t wear. I don’t care that I hold my needles wrong, or that I don’t know whether I’m doing Continental or American or whatever kind of knitting, or that I don’t loop the yarn around my finger, or that I’m slow, or whatever – I’m having fun doing it My Way. Harumph! :-)

        1. iglwif*

          I learned English knitting, I’ve been doing it for more than a decade, and I have lost count of the number of people who have tried to “help” me by explaining how much better, faster, or easier Continental is. And I’m sure it is for them! But it isn’t for me!! And even if, once I retrained my hands and my brain, it might eventually be faster … so what? Why do I need to be faster than I am now?

          Hashtag Leave Other Knitters Alone To Knit How They Want.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          Oh, like when teachers insisted we lefties hold the pen/pencil the “right” way! I can hold it that way or have my handwriting slant in the correct direction, but not both. *scribbles upside down across the page*

        3. Just Want to Mess Around*

          Once someone very kindly and tactfully was like, “ah, you hold your needles in the German style! How lovely!” and it was both a clue that I was holding them differently than most people (I’m … not German) but also put such a positive spin on it that I was delighted :D

        4. MSD*

          Wow. Ok. I was really thinking more like upside down or crazy wacky ways. I’m actually not a serious knitter; haven’t knitted in decades and actually wouldn’t know enough to correct anyone’s knitting. Obviously my attempt at humor was a big fail. Didn’t mean to set you off.

          1. o_gal*

            Sorry, there wasn’t anything that indicated that you were trying to be humorous. Next time add a smiley :-) (adding my own :-))

    5. Not A Manager*

      You don’t need new hobbies, you need new companions.

      I understand that some physical crafting spaces have a lot of Experts with Opinions, but I don’t think you should let that dissuade you from the experiences you enjoy. Either continue with your crafting, but in a different space, or kindly (but firmly) tell those people that you’re not results-oriented, you’re process-oriented, and you just enjoy doing your crafting alongside them.

      1. UKDancer*

        Every embroidery group I’ve ever been in seems to have one person who thinks they’re always right and need to tell the rest of us what we’re doing wrong. I have given up on at least 2 groups over the years for that reason.

        I have the same issue finding language conversation groups. My German is pretty decent and I’ve spoken it most of my life but I don’t always agree my adjectives and adverbs properly when I’m chatting because my mind moves faster than my ability to remember the agreements. The last group I tried had one person who kept trying to make me stop every 3 seconds, correct my grammar and wouldn’t understand when I explained that I am trying to have a conversation about whatever, not taking a language class. If I had wanted my grammar corrected all the time, I’d have done a class at college with formal tuition, not joined an informal discussion group.

        1. Cindy the SKULL*

          Even most colleges won’t correct you all the time! When I was in TA training for my language major we were taught to choose 1-3 most glaring faults for correction and let small things slide, because nitpicking makes people lose motivation and drop the class. If you want people to stick with something, you can’t call out every single mistake in every sentence.

          In my experience, “casual” groups are more critical of mistakes than college language courses because they don’t have an actively thought-out pedagogy and aren’t considering participant retention.

          1. UKDancer*

            Yes, it’s a real problem finding relaxed conversation groups and being constantly nitpicked is really annoying. I like chatting in German but I don’t want my grammar corrected. If I were writing a formal document I’d check my grammar and make sure everything was as it should be. But I want to chat because I like using German and hearing it spoken and not be picked apart.

    6. Solidarity*

      I sew something specific. I’ve been doing it for years… wrong. I haven’t gotten any better in my sewing skills. I’ve heard from sewing experts (sigh). The best response was from my sewing machine technician when I told her I really never improve. She asked if I’m having fun. And that’s all that matters

    7. tabloidtainted*

      If you’re sharing your projects to these groups and they’re obviously “””wrong,””” you’re almost always going to get feedback from committed hobby groups. Maybe the answer is to go for it solo.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Some groups are about sharing your project for feedback, and some are about making / doing things together as a group. Helping newbies is in keeping with the spirit of a making circle, but some people take it too far and become overbearing.

        A lot of the time, it takes pushback or committed ignoring before they will back off.

      2. Just Want to Mess Around*

        I mean, *I* think my final products look cool, and I can see the verve and enthusiasm in them, and most of all I enjoyed the hours of creativity that went into it … but I guess to some people all they can see is that it’s “wrong” haha. I think I haven’t found the right venue where it’s a somewhat social creative space but not a lesson/class/place for very serious people to gather.

        1. Ontariariario*

          My mother goes to a knitting and crafting group at the library and loves it. Two hours are set aside in a specific area, and the listing says knitters but anyone who crafts or likes crafting is welcome. For example one woman used to knit regularly but now has a young child and shows up occasionally to chat about others’ projects. My mother has always knit odd things with random bits of wool and suddenly she’s surrounded by a group who encourage her creativity, whereas us kids used to be critical and refuse to wear her mitts because they’d be weird combos like orange and pink and green mixed together. In this case I also had the idea to get her to donate her items to someone who delivers to homeless, so whereas as kids we wanted to fit in and didn’t appreciate her handmade items for us, now her hard work is keeping someone warm and those people are more excited to get handmade knowing that someone spent hours working to make them a scarf or hat.

          I think you might try to look for different groups first before looking for different hobbies.

    8. Myself*

      While I haven’t experienced any in-person groups, the online rigid heddle weaving groups I’m in have been great! I feel like for the most part the only way to do it “wrong” is if it actually does’t work. There’s a lot of experimenting that goes on and that’s why I love it!

    9. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I have some friends who have a very chill crafting group where everyone is working on different projects. I wonder if that helps, if some are knitting, some are embroidering, etc.

    10. iglwif*

      I have no advice (other than that this sounds like a people problem, not a hobby problem) but lots of sympathy, because this is how I feel about sports! My spouse is Very Sporty–team sports are his favourite thing, and he’s been decent to great at all the ones he’s ever tried, so my approach to sports deeply baffles him: I will happily Do A Sport, but I will almost certainly Do That Sport Very Badly, and the less you try to help me improve, the more fun I will probably have.

      One of the reasons this baffles my spouse is that it’s very much NOT the approach I take to some of my own hobbies–when I’m in a choir, I want it to be a really good choir that challenges me, and when I knit or cross-stitch something I want it to look good, and when I write something for other people to read (even when it’s “just” fanfiction) I want it to be effective and for people to enjoy it.

      But then on the other hand I can enjoy colouring without needing my colouring pages to be super artistic, and I can enjoy cooking and baking without needing or wanting to achieve Great Canadian Baking Show levels of fancy-ness (it just needs to taste good!), and I am totally fine with intermediate knitting projects, I don’t need to test myself with complex colourwork.

      I think some of this gatekeeping and One True Way and everything can be blamed on hustle culture and the pressure to monetize one’s hobbies. I suspect that in the US, some of it can perhaps be traced back to the wacky-ass university admissions system where instead of getting into university because your high school marks are decent, you have to jump through 8 billion hoops of extracurricular activities, volunteering, essay-writing, and Having A Compelling Personal Narrative. Some of it is maybe the idea that anything worth doing is worth doing well, where “well” is defined as “achieving some objective level of excellence” instead of as “doing the thing at a level you can enjoy”.

      But I think it’s really, really important for people to be able to do things they enjoy, in ways they enjoy doing them, just for the sake of enjoying them. For example, I don’t want to sing in an unauditioned just-for-fun community choir that focuses on learning pop songs by ear, because that’s not fun for me. AND at the same time I think it’s CRITICAL for those choirs to exist, because I strongly believe that anyone and everyone who wants to participate in group singing should have opportunities to do so, irrespective of their musical preferences, their level of musicianship, their level of training, etc. Art, music, dance, and drama are basic human needs that ANYONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN AT THEIR OWN LEVEL, and I will die on that hill.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I think you are really onto something with your insight into “dazzle the college admissions board” thing! The cliche’ of parents making their kids take physics and *trendy foreign language* in preschool to get into an Ivy exists for a reason. No one is allowed to simply enjoy anything, they have to use it to buff their personal brand at all times.

      2. Autumn leaf*

        Wow, thank you for the several insights! I think you are on to something re choosing to enjoy doing vs doing well.

    11. cleo*

      I have a similar approach to hobbies to you. I think some of it is just finding a group or teacher that you vibe with, rather than finding a hobby without annoying gatekeepers.

      Decades ago I was part of an online community for doll makers and I noticed that there were two basic approaches- people who liked following / interpreting existing patterns and people who liked making their patterns/ doing their own thing (I’m in this category). And then I realized that this split extends to almost any creative endeavor – like the difference between playing an existing piece of music or composing your own. Both are valid, but it can be hard to connect across approaches because the base assumptions are so different.

      I belong to a stitchers group that’s nice because it’s not just for knitters – a lot of the members do knit or crochet but people also bring in sewing, embroidery or even mending. No one has given me grief for not using an embroidery hoop when embroidering my crazy quilt squares or for my somewhat non traditional interpretation of crazy quilting.

      This group meets in person but I found them through a Facebook group. That might be a way for you to find a group that you vibe with better. I’ve mostly quit FB except for hobby based groups, which can be really helpful.

      1. Just Want to Mess Around*

        Yeah, to me, I rarely want to follow a pattern in anything (after maybe the first go-round to get a sense of what it is) – like, I like the spirit of a paint and sip but I don’t like that generally everyone’s supposed to be making the same painting as shown by the instructor. A lot of the “for beginners” stuff involves MORE breakdown into steps and instruction when I was hoping to avoid people taking it very seriously.

        1. Sara K*

          Hmm. It sounds like you need to avoid the beginners *classes* (beyond learning enough to grasp health and safety practices) because for the most part these are a very structured learning environment with a focus on teaching the same basic skills to everyone. Part of that is assessing whether someone has mastered that skill which is about comparing your own effort against an ‘objective’ standard – ie the one right way*. I would look more for shared hobby spaces particularly those that welcome people of different skill levels because those are generally less about learning and more about doing.

          * In my experience there is never ‘one right way’ but actually getting to that understanding is usually an advanced level technique and would almost never come up in a beginners class.

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      That’s so annoying. I agree with you that the point of hobbies is to have fun and the “right” way CAN be fun but isn’t a requirement. I think it helps if you cultivate a kind of breezy response like “yep lol it’s a disaster, I love it” to make it clear that 1) you know it’s “wrong” and 2) you don’t care. In embroidery there’s a thing where technically you are supposed to have a nice neat back of your work (like, the ideal is that it looks identical on both sides somehow???) but a lot of people either don’t care or actively celebrate messy backs.

    13. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      There’s a good Kurt Vonnegut quote about this:

      “When I was 15, I spent a month working on an archeological dig. I was talking to one of the archeologists one day during our lunch break and he asked those kinds of “getting to know you” questions you ask young people: Do you play sports? What’s your favorite subject? And I told him, no I don’t play any sports. I do theater, I’m in choir, I play the violin and piano, I used to take art classes.

      And he went WOW. That’s amazing! And I said, “Oh no, but I’m not any good at ANY of them.”

      And he said something then that I will never forget and which absolutely blew my mind because no one had ever said anything like it to me before: “I don’t think being good at things is the point of doing them. I think you’ve got all these wonderful experiences with different skills, and that all teaches you things and makes you an interesting person, no matter how well you do them.”

      And that honestly changed my life. Because I went from a failure, someone who hadn’t been talented enough at anything to excel, to someone who did things because I enjoyed them. I had been raised in such an achievement-oriented environment, so inundated with the myth of Talent, that I thought it was only worth doing things if you could “Win” at them.”

      by Kurt Vonnegut

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I think about “I went from a failure to someone who did things because I enjoyed them” a lot. Thanks for sharing this :)

    14. Scholarly Publisher*

      Sounds like you don’t need a new hobby; you need a new group to do the hobby with. Every pastime has people who care about Doing It Right And Right Is This Way, people who don’t care about the results as long as they’re enjoying themselves, and a full spectrum of people in between. Your filter for hobby group is “I’m doing this for fun”, not “I’m aiming for high-level skill”.

      And speaking as someone who’s been knitting for longer than many of my co-folks-from-weekday-place and hobbyist friends have been alive, as long as you’re not giving yourself an RSI and you’re able to manipulate the needles comfortably, you’re holding them correctly.

  14. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Discovered that The Bletchley Circle (excellent short series set a few years after WW2, in which women who worked as British code breakers solve a series of murders by analyzing the pattern behind the killing) has a third season in which two of the characters come to San Francisco. Well drawn characters I really like, and the setting is well done. The mysteries (it’s 8 episodes split into 4 mystery arcs) are a little pat compared to the complexity of the first two entries in the series, but serviceable and it’s nice to see the approach broken down the way you would tackle a tough coding/computing problem.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Just finished Season 5 of Miss Scarlet (formerly Miss Scarlet and the Duke, but the Duke is now gone). I miss the Duke but still love the show.

      Saw Season 1 of The Outlaws. It was really good. Funny and thoughtful, with a gradual unfolding of how everyone got to the point where they’re all doing community service. Darren Boyd and Christopher Walken are both in it, which was a real selling point for me.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I’m watching Saint-Pierre, a new CBC police series set in Saint-Pierre-et-Miquelon, near Newfoundland. It’s not very good, wish it was better.

    3. Peanut Hamper*

      I found out a little bit ago that most episodes of the original In Search Of… with Leonard Nimoy are available on YouTube, so I downloaded them and have been using them to fall asleep. Most of the topics are kind of ridiculous (plant ESP, mummy curses, etc), the music is amazing (quite techno for the late 1970s), and I have Mr. Spock telling me weird stories as I drift off to sleep.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        There’s also a UK remake called Patience which was broadcast earlier this year. I quite liked it, but I hadn’t watched the original, which many people say is better.

        1. Love PBS*

          Yes. The French version is sooooo much better. I did not like the UK version at all, and only watched two episodes.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I really like Astrid, especially as they show her changing and growing. The show isn’t afraid to have an adult human being making choices within her framework while still remaining true to how she needs to function in the world.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I also like that the actor’s real life younger sister plays young Astrid in flashbacks, and really, really well.

    6. MSD*

      The Pitt on HBO/MAX. Have to shut my eyes during some gory parts but there aren’t a lot of them (so far).

      2. Mimmy*

        Great show! I’ve never been in an ER (thankfully) but from what I know, it’s a very realistic depiction of a major trauma ER.

        This week’s episode was a bit more gory than usual.

    7. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I struggled with Bletchley — on paper it’s right up my street and the characters are great, but I found it too bleak and depressing. I didn’t make it to the 3rd season, but I’d be interested for the SF setting.

      My fluffy show right now is About a Boy, a short lived TV comedy from about 10 years back based on the movie with Hugh Grant based on the book by Nick Hornby. Very heartwarming.

      Started the new season of Top Chef tonight, happy to have that back! And it’s good promotion for Canada, our lovely neighbors who deserve none of the current mishegas.

    8. allathian*

      Finished Rings of Power. Cool show for epic fantasy fans. I’m really enjoying Picard season 3, too.

    11. abca*

      I watched Girls5eva after a recommendation here and it was so great! I don’t know why Netflix never recommended this to me. If the title makes it sound like this is not for you, you should ignore that.

    12. UKDancer*

      Just watched “The Glass Onion” which I had not seen before and absolutely loved it. Daniel Craig is so cute with that accent and I just loved watching him. Also I loved all the clever touches, especially him playing games in the bath with Angela Lansbury and Stephen Sondheim.

      Also Kate Hudson had the best clothes – I want the multi-coloured dress she wore.

      Can’t wait for the third film to come out this year.

        1. UKDancer*

          It’s called Wake Up Dead Man and due out in 2025 (timing TBC) which is exciting. I am looking forward to more of Benoit’s interesting fashion choices and pretty accent.

    13. RussianInTexas*

      By myself: Father Brown, Recipe for Love and Murder, Sex Education.
      With partner: The Rookie, Will Trent, Resident Alien, For All Mankind, Resident Alien, Reacher.
      In the queue: Daredevil, Wheel of Time, Severance.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Also The Ghosts (the British edition) and Elementary, when no new episodes of anything else are out.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Yay, Father Brown! That and Death in Paradise (and Sister Boniface) are my go to relaxing shows.

    14. GoryDetails*

      Dr. Hope is back! The UK doctor who did a lot of YouTube videos about his work in the ER during COVID, and various medical recaps of doctor-themed shows from “House” to the wonderful “Cells at Work” anime had gone on hiatus – there was a good year and a half when he wasn’t posting anything at all. But this last week he’s posted several new videos, and I’m very glad to have him back.

      As for more typical screen-media: I finally caught “Jurassic Park: Dominion” on TV, and… it was OK. I was mostly there for the dinosaurs, and there were plenty of those (though some of them had a pretty rough time), but I also enjoyed having the main characters from the different films all reunited. (I didn’t believe the way all those ancient species were taking over the world; we have enough trouble keeping existing species alive, and even allowing for all the plot-specific genetic tinkering I can’t see how the dinosaurs could survive and reproduce so very fast. But it was great fun seeing them wandering through modern settings.)

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      Finally started Deadloch and it is a riot! My favorite character so far is Kevin the seal :)

      Am four eps in to An Extraordinary Place To Die, set in Queensland, and it’s great too. Finally, a show that understands the physics of a falling body and how hard, fast, and final the hit is when said body is pushed from a helicopter (I rewatched the scene because it actually seemed cartoonish, but was realistic!)

  15. CTT*

    Multi-room speakers! I just moved into my first house, and unlike my previous apartments, it’s big enough that you can’t hear music from wherever you’re standing, not to mention the yard. Sonos is the brand I first heard of ages ago for multi-room speakers, but I know there are other options. If you have strong feelings for or against any particular brand, please share!

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Whatever you do, don’t do built in speakers.
      Sincerely, owner of a house with at least 15 built in speakers circa 1993 that someday we need to remove and plug the holes with drywall.
      UGH.

      1. Generic Name*

        Seconded. I removed the garish build in speakers as soon as we moved in, but it took years to finally rid the house of the miles of random wiring used for the speakers. The wiring was run on the outside of the house (that was pulled down right away) but there was also wiring run under the carpet!! I guess the plus side is I now have expert level skills with patching holes in walls.

    2. Bob Howard*

      I have installed Yamaha Musiccast systems around my house. You can link rooms, and have “Routines” that basically say “Select the CD player and route it to the kitchen as well”. The phone app is free.Unfortunately they have dropped all their affordable systems in the fallout from the pandemic.

    3. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We have Sonos and I generally like it, although you can’t play just anything through the system. For example, we subscribe to the MLB app so we can listen to games on various radio broadcasts and that app does not work with the Sonos system. The sound is great and the interface is straightforward, so when I’m using Spotify or a podcast or audiobook app it’s really nice.

      My husband bought the system ten-ish years ago as a gift for me in part because we had a “friends and family” discount from someone who worked there at the time. If I had it do over again now, I would probably get really high-end Bluetooth speakers in each room. Sure, sometimes I want to play something in the dining room and living room simultaneously…but not as often as I want to listen to baseball.

      1. JR17*

        @Jay, do you have an iPhone? If you go to the same screen that allows you to turn on the flashlight and airplane mode and such, is there a box in the upper right corner that’s labeled “Now Playing”? (It’s the screen you get when you swipe down from the top right corner.) It should have a little icon that looks like concentric circles with an upward-pointing triangle at the bottom. If you click it while your phone is playing and he MLB app, will it allow you to transfer the audio to one if your Sonos speakers?

        Anyway, OP, I love the Sonos speakers. Also really like the apple speaker.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          I do indeed have an iPhone, it does have the “now playing” thing, and I will try that in an hour when the next game starts!

    4. SofiaDeo*

      The built in living room speakers at FIL’s means one often can’t have a relaxing quiet bath, you’re forced to listen to whatever is on TV. The bathroom shares a wall with the living room, and the sound reverberates through the walls.

      I also have neighbors who play their music when outside in their yard. I hate being forced to listen to their choice, they have speakers instead of a smaller, more personal device. Please don’t get outside speakers unless you have acres, and even then you need to verify the sound isn’t traveling far. One of FIL’s neighbors, in a neighborhood where the lots are 2-5 acres, got a warning to turn down the sound.

  16. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    My spouse is prepping for our new D&D campaign which is coming up soon. We didn’t play this week, but are figuring out our characters and starting to decide how the group will come together. I think it’s going to be fun, although I’m still wrestling with my back story.

    1. Margot*

      I played 1000 Year Old Vampire. An amazing solo role-playing game.

      I also love Wingspan for when I’m playing with a group.

    2. SparklingBlue*

      I received the Suikoden 1 and 2 remaster in the mail, and without spoiling anything, get ready for a lot of twists and turns, plus the challenge of trying to recruit 108 playable characters.

    3. Shiara*

      I achieved perfection in Stardew Valley!!!
      I still need to finish the raccoon quest line and find a couple of books.

      In ttrpg I’m getting that itchy feeling of so many things I want to run, so little time. My players just hit level 6, and we’ve been playing for a year and a half (we’re lucky if we can meet monthly). I keep telling myself that once the kids are a bit older maybe we can do a biweekly open game night for one shots/to try other systems.

    4. Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells*

      HeroQuest, Warhammer Kill Team, Rimworld, Mount and Blade.

      I recommend the Fighting Fantasy books. Appointment with FEAR fits into the corporate world.

      I’ve also bought Colostle. It’s a solo tabletop game, but gamers can adapt anything to multiplayer these days.

    5. RussianInTexas*

      I just downloaded Quilts and Cats of Calico to my tablet. Haven’t played, but very excited to play.

    6. Bobina*

      I’m going down the rabbit hole of some mobile games. does anyone know of one similar to “colour block jam” (a logic puzzle game where you move coloured pieces around to their respective exits to clear the board) but which isn’t timed? I enjoy the problem solving bit of it but *hate* the time pressure

    7. Bleu cheese and brusselsprouts*

      I was inspired to pick up my Switch again after Mar10 day. I just started Lego Jurassic Park on my Switch! So far it’s much better than Lego Star Wars, which I enjoyed on two previous systems but I don’t care for the new version.
      I’m also looking for recommendations for quick, easy, and fun card or board games that my mom and I can play together. I’m looking for simple rules and little set up. She really likes Qwirkle, but the game play is longer than I’d like.

      1. Are games in the cards?*

        Things to investigate:
        * Dixit
        * The Crew: The Quest for Planet Nine (the sequel game “The Crew: Mission Deep Sea” is also good, but more complex) — This is a cooperative trick-taking game.
        * Once Upon A Time — if y’all like competitive storytelling; might be more rules than you want… “simple rules” being somewhat subjective.
        * Tsuro — might be too light; my group uses it as a “we want to play something in the 10 minutes before [person] shows up” game.

        If you’re okay with abstract, chess- or checkers-adjacent games, also investigate:
        * Onitama
        * Tak — Pretty sure the rules are online; it’s trivial to throw a copy together, although you can buy sets.

  17. Notthemomma*

    Recommendations for home security cameras? Prefer not to do a subscription. We would install ourselves and prefer hard wired, not battery. We are in the upper Midwest USA outside, so needs to be able to weather hot and cold.
    Looking to put 3-4 to cover our property and want to be able to pull up on a phone app. If one has audio, great, but not necessary. Be able to see at night and record for 24-48 hours to an app, a computer we would use as a hub. What should we be looking for in specs? We don’t need high end. Thanks in advance!

    1. HamlindigoBlue*

      Eufy records to SD cards with an optional cloud subscription. I bought their doorbell camera when I needed to upgrade from an older Ring doorbell, and the SD card storage was the main reason. The app isn’t as fancy, but it does what I need it to do with audio and night vision, and there is no subscription. Their spring sale is going on right now, and I’ve been looking at their outdoor solar cameras.

    2. A Teacher, Here*

      I bought Wyze on a wirecutter recommendation and have been very happy with them. Simple to set up, app is easy to use from phone or computer, SD card gives you more than 48 hours.

    3. Girasol*

      Blink has non-subscription offerings. Can’t tell you much more since my choice of system isn’t quite like what you want but when I was shopping for what I needed I noticed they had a ton of different options. I’m delighted with how well mine works and how easy it was to set up and manage.

  18. CuriousLemur*

    I remember reading, maybe on a weekend blog here, someone saying that being in tune musically is subjective. That surprised me. To me, out of tune tends to make me feel like cringing a bit where my shoulders go up toward my ears. What do you think?

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Not sure that’s true. Being “in tune” is measurable. A piano key, a violin string, or a human voice is either getting the notes right or they are not. It’s why orchestras tune up before they play, why professional piano tuners have jobs, and why an app can tell you the note of a sound you hear.

      1. CuriousLemur*

        That makes me feel better. I think the posting I remember was about Simon and Garfunkel in Central Park and whether one of them was a bit off key for at least some of the songs.

        1. Fabio*

          U2’s version of One Love iritates me to no end, because IMO Bono’s off key the whole time. His duet of the same song with Mary J Blige is MUCH better (and boy can she sing).

          2. Clara Bowe*

            Her version of that (I guess it’s a duet? But she sings most of it and absolutely smashes it) is my ultimate version. There’s a weariness to the tone that elevates the entire song for me.

            I got to see her in concert once and it is in my top 10 of all time performances. She is SO. GOOD.

      2. FanciestCat*

        I think it’s interesting because the instrument is definitely measurably in tune or out of tune, but people notice tuning to different degrees. That might be what the person meant by it being subjective, although I wouldn’t have put it that way. But if you think about how some people have perfect pitch and others need to rely on tools to make sure they’re in tune, you can see how the human perception of this objective measurement changes. For myself, I’m very tone death so something has to be really off for me to notice. That makes it easier for me to enjoy amateur performances those. I’ve gone to things where my musical friends are wincing, but it sounds ok to me.

      3. Banana Pyjamas*

        Right but you can tune to different measures in Hertz, and, in fact, there are different tuning standards through out the world. Additionally, some cultures use different scales and it can sound off to western ears.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Exactly. Some traditional Asian music is atonal to Western standards, for example. It’s not wrong; they’re using sound in different ways.

          1. Banana Pyjamas*

            Yep! I was specifically thinking of music from one of the places ending in -stan that has 13-tone scales.

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        I have to agree. Even people who are “tin eared” can hear when something is out of tune.

    2. allathian*

      It is subjective in the sense that some people are much better at it than others, and the spectrum varies from perfect pitch to total tone deafness, where people can’t even recognize a song from the melody. If you’ve ever had an earworm, you aren’t tone deaf.

      People with perfect pitch can, as they age, go out of tune so that everything sounds off-key to them.

      Different cultures also have different tonal scales, which is why non-western music can sound weird until you get used to it.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        My mum trained as a singer and she has perfect pitch, which means that almost everything sounds out of tune to her, especially singing. She always feels compelled to share this information whenever she hears anything out of tune, which can be a bit trying if we’re in a location that is playing music.

        But I didn’t know till now that pitch can change as you age, so now I’m going to wonder if her perception of what’s in tune is somehow off!

      2. Sloanicota*

        I think an instrument can be objectively in tune / out of tune, as could a solo vocalist of written music (although as others have said, there are non-Western scales but it would still be a thing that could be objectively measured) but with something like a pop singer it’s a bit more subjective, as plenty of vocalists slide around half their notes or what sounds “flat” to one person might be a stylistic thing they’re going for. There’s also a lot of layered sounds in popular music muddying the issue, IMO.

    3. iglwif*

      There are different tuning standards across time and culture, and different people have different levels of sensitivity to tuning. (The two ends of that spectrum, I guess, being “is tone-deaf” and “has perfect pitch”.)

      But “is this thing in tune with that thing” is absolutely something you can measure objectively!

    4. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I’m pretty tone deaf and can’t tell if an instrument or singer is out of tune. When I was a kid, I couldn’t tell if my guitar was in tune even after 2 years of lessons.

    5. Emily Byrd Starr*

      No, it’s not subjective. It depends on how good your ears are at picking up different pitches, and I think it’s genetic. I don’t have 100% perfect pitch, but it’s definitely close enough that it really bothers me when I hear a familiar song being played in a different key or pitch. Back in the days of audio cassette tapes, I remember that sometimes a taped recording of a song would have a slightly different pitch than the original version on the record or CD. Sometimes, even playing the same tape in a different player would change the pitch as well. It would drive me nuts to hear the recording in a different pitch than I was used to, while others barely noticed the difference.

      1. iglwif*

        That’s all true, and also—I definitely do NOT have perfect pitch, and I don’t care if you transpose things into different keys, but I absolutely CAN tell when a pitch is sharp or flat in context of a chord or melody, and I absolutely CAN tell when two instruments or people are out of tune with each other.

      2. allathian*

        Proof positive that I’m not tone deaf although I never learned to hear if my guitar was in tune or not. When listening to chrome tapes you had to adjust a setting on your tape deck or it would sound weird.

        The skill is partly genetic but there’s some evidence to show that people who speak tonal languages, especially if their first language is tonal, have a better sense of pitch on average than those who don’t.

        Granted, all languages are tonal to some degree, but there’s a difference in whether the tone affects the meaning of a sentence, like the rising inflection to indicate a question in English and several other Indo-European languages, or whether it affects the meaning of a word, as is the case in many Asian languages.

      3. Jay (no, the other one)*

        There may be a genetic component – I certainly think that some people are natively better than others at hearing whether something is in tune and being able to match pitch with their voice. Those are different skills and both can be improved with coaching and pratice.

        My husband had no musical training as a kid. He learned to read the treble staff in third grade when the whole class took recorder lessons. I’m a singer, play piano (not well) and started taking music lessons at age 7. I have always thought he has the naturally better ear. I noticed a long time ago that when he sings with me (for example when we chant the blessings on Shabbat) he almost always sings a third above what I’m singing. Since he started saxophone lessons four years ago, he now matches my pitch.

    6. Lexi Vipond*

      I’m not sure if subjective is the right word, but there’s definitely not one single definition of ‘in tune’. You need to choose a frequency to set other things relative to, and there are at least two fairly common options for that, A=440 (for most modern music) and A=415 (for some historical music). There are others – bagpipes have their own A which no one else shares…

      Then you have to choose how you’re going to spread out the notes between the scale (although I’m a long way from an expert on this, so please don’t ask me more questions!)

      There’s equal temperament, where you spread the notes out fairly evenly across the octave, and every interval sounds OK in every key but no interval is ever *exactly* (mathematically?) right – that’s used by instruments like pianos where the notes are fixed.

      Then there’s just intonation, where notes are set relative to other notes, so within the key you’re using the intervals are just right, but C (for example) in one key might be subtly different from C in another key, because it’s a sixth up from the key note and not a fifth, or whatever – that’s used by things like voice or string instruments where you can choose exactly where you pitch a note.

      And then some more I know nothing about, like the well-tempered clavier!

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        I… may have just convinced myself that it *is* subjective – that you can objectively say that a frequency is 440 Hz*, but you can’t objectively say that it’s the note A, because it might not be. But I don’t necessarily expect to have convinced anyone else!

        *Although it might still sound different depending whether you’re heading towards it or away from it…

      2. Lissajous*

        Well-tempered Clavier is the equal temperament you already mentioned. Same thing! (Bach go so excited at being able to use every key he wrote a set of 24 preludes and fugues in every key, major and minor, and called them The Well Tempered Clavier. And then he was still so excited he wrote *another* set of 24, hence we have The Well Tempered Clavier Books 1 and 2, aka The 48.)

      3. Lissajous*

        To sum up what Lexi said, there is absolute pitch and there is relative pitch.

        Absolute pitch is “we have decided to call 440Hz the A above middle C.”
        Relative pitch is “given a starting note, here is a fifth above it, a third below it, two octaves and a seventh above,” etc.

        People who have perfect pitch are reacting to the first – they remember a specific frequency really, really well, and can tell you that that note you just hummed is a spot-on F, or in between two things and nothing in particular.

        People with good relative pitch can’t tell you what a note is out of the blue, but given a starting point they can tell all the things, and this is what most musicians have developed with practice and exposure. When an orchestra tunes to an A, this is what they do.

        Perfect pitch can help with relative pitch, of course, but it’s not necessary.

        To complicate matters, as Lexi noted, we we agree to call “A” changes over time. For a while now, it’s been A = 440Hz. But some orchestras in Europe are shifting to A=442Hz, to sound “brighter.” Historically it was much lower, and some Baroque specialist groups will use the lower frequency. Someone with perfect pitch might say the Baroque group is flat, but they aren’t – just a different A.
        (Also I can confirm as a string player changing the pitch to tune to is an absolute pain – instruments “settle” over time and wear in with all the vibrations. My cello is only about 12 years old – very young for a string intrument! – but it been has delightfully stable at A 440 Hz for many years now. It’s very rare that I need to do more than a minor tweak to the tuning. Even when I put on a new string, as long as I only do one at a time they stretch and settle in really quickly.)

        Being in tune with yourself or with the other players in your group is not a spectrum, you are or you aren’t. So many band singers are just a bit flat when live relative to the guitars etc and it’s not great >.<

    7. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Thank you for introducing this fascinating thread! It inspired me to listen to Lang Lang playing a fugue from The Well Tempered Clavier Book I, and of course he’s a super pianist but also is very good at looking exceptionally soulful while he plays :)

    8. Music Staff*

      Music teacher here. Timing definitely matters, but tuning can be adjusted easily, especially on string instruments. Maybe that’s what they meant. Guitarists often tune their instruments down a half stop or so in order to fit their singing voices.
      As long as everyone is tuned to the same note, it will still sound fine.
      Maybe that’s what the writer meant.

  19. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What have you been putting off that you’d like to get done this weekend?

    I have a pile of assignments to grade.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I also have a pile of grading :( but I want to make progress on some crafty things and catch up on housework too. Basically my forever procrastination list lol, I always think the weekend will somehow change who I am as a person!

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I did some errands and a lot of housework! We’ll see if the grading happens tomorrow

    2. Six Feldspar*

      Finaaaaaaaally washed my windows this morning because done is better than perfect (and we’re set to get 3-15mm of rain tomorrow which I’m choosing to think of as an extra free wash)

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Also cleared out and rearranged my clothes to have them all hanging up instead of folded, and gave the car windows a clean inside and out.

    3. WellRed*

      My b bedroom was renovated over the holidays. While I’m moved back in, I haven’t rehung any if art and one wall especially needs it but it’s a set of four prints so I’ve been putting it off.

    4. Lemonwhirl*

      I have a 3,000 word essay to get started on writing It’s due in 2 weeks and is seriously stressing me out because it’s so open-ended and I’m still re-learning how to do academic writing.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Everything. I’ve been putting off everything. Yard cleanup (*years* overdue), house-decluttering (ongoing), kitchen cleanup and stove replacement (sooo many months overdue), income taxes (have had the paperwork for a month and a half, but just haven’t taken the hour or so that my Very Simple Return will take), replying to actual snail-mail letters from friends… The weather’s very nice today so I *could* go hack down some overgrowth in the yard, or scrub the windows discolored from years of neglecting the gutters (I did get the gutters replaced, so there’s that), but I’ll probably just go out for a nice long walk on the no-longer-icebound trails.

      2. Morning Reader*

        It’s too early to do yard work. Lots of early pollinators and stuff still maturing under the piles of leaves and such. Or so I’m told. Don’t be fooled by first spring!

      3. Six Feldspar*

        You have to make time for joy as well! Hope you had a great walk and the weather was good to you.

    6. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I am writing a novel, and I want to get thru the climax this weekend! I recently left my aahent and have a goal of reaching out to new agents with this manuscript in April. I am going to be very busy in the remaining days in March, but this weekend is wide open. I need to WRITE.

      …I am currently laying on the couch reading AAM…

    8. Clara Bowe*

      So. Much. Laundry. I spent basically all of Saturday tackling it (@ the laundry but I had to shift loads because I didn’t want to monopolize the dryers.) I now have all clean clothing, clean bedding, clean winter and spring coats, and freshly washed rugs.

      Also, so many errands. *lies on floor*

    9. Geriatric Rocker*

      I finally tidied up the spare room. I can now get to stuff without the need of a Sherpa guide and crampons. The room needs a damn good dust and vacuum but I think I’ll leave that for another procrastination thread.

  20. Redaktorin*

    I’m nearly forty and just discovered that I’ve gone my entire life with an undiagnosed mast cell disorder. The clumsiness, forgetfulness, and fatigue that felt like a part of my personality have largely gone away as I’ve gone on antihistamines and a mast cell stabilizer, and my body feels as good as it ever has. Like I’m honestly no longer sure I ever had the ADHD I’ve been diagnosed with. My heart palpitations are gone. It’s major stuff.

    But I’m deeply frustrated to have gone nearly 20 years begging people for answers as my health got worse and worse. Some of my symptoms have been severely painful, and I just don’t understand how nobody cared enough to even try something as simple as handing me an Allegra.

    What would you tell yourself in my situation if you were working to stay grateful and not call up a dozen doctors who’d brushed you off to yell at them?

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Had a similar experience with a thyroid disorder (Grave’s disease) and I never did mange to “stay grateful” though I did manage to not yell at all the dismissive doctors. (Did leave online reviews for some, though.)
      I’m mad on your behalf now. Twenty years is a LONG TIME!

    2. Me*

      I don’t think it needs to be one or the other – it seems pretty reasonable to me to be both grateful you have a diagnosis and are feeling better, AND also to be mad at the doctors who didn’t take you seriously. They did you a real disservice and extended your pain!

      It also makes sense to not want to dwell on your anger and get consumed by frustration over the lost decades – but maybe it will help lessen those feelings if you acknowledge them (to yourself, or by leaving reviews if any of the doctors are still practicing) as valid and not petty because yeah, those doctors screwed you over!

      1. Redaktorin*

        Thank you for articulating this so well. I definitely have had a tendency to let anger consume me in the past and don’t want to do that anymore. (Turns out my mental health is much better now, too.) I’d really love to just move forward!

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Agree not to let the anger consume you, but it might also be cathartic as well as constructive to write a letter to each of the doctors who misdiagnosed you to let them know about the correct diagnosis. Maybe they’ll learn something?

    3. CatsCatsCats*

      Congratulations on your diagnosis! I have a mast cell disorder too and I am wondering what mast cell stabiliser has worked for you, if that feels appropriate to share?

      Regarding the grief and anger, I recognise those feelings from the weird umbrella of related conditions that have taken a while to get diagnosed. I have found it useful to write angry letters to the people who have neglected me, I don’t send them but it helps to get it out. Then I try to switch my focus from all the time I’ve lost to the life I’ve gained. What clothes do I like now? What hobbies? Don’t let the anger or grief outshadow the wonderful thing!

    4. WellRed*

      Im so glad for you that you finally have an answer! It’s not the same at all but I’m frustrated that I’m just now starting HRT and then only because of talking with friends and researching and talking to complete strangers in the internet.

    5. Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells*

      What would I tell myself?

      I would not call up the other dozen doctors. They don’t matter anymore unless you’re still going to them for other reasons.

      I would express my thanks to the doctors who have identified your problem. They matter. Work with them and save all negative thought for later.

      I sympathise with your position and I hope it works out for the best.

    6. Irish books*

      It might just take a while. I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago in my late 30s after a lifetime of misdiagnosed mental health stuff and I think I went through the stages of grief after the diagnosis. Like you, my diagnosis was actually a good thing as it explained so much, so I was surprised that I was more angry than happy. I was SO angry for a good while, especially when I’d suddenly remember something else that would have been different if I’d known sooner. Sound like I might be you from the future, I have moments of anger/sadness now of all that could have been but it’s pretty rare these days. Journal your feelings maybe, do things that make you feel good, especially maybe ones you couldn’t do before, try and have some perspective but don’t worry too much about forcing the gratefulness, things will get better with time x

    7. AnonRN*

      Not necessarily defending the doctors here, but the immune system is pretty poorly understood, especially when it comes to interactions between multiple triggers or conditions. Add in variables like “that time I had mono” or “10 days of antibiotics” and everyone is their own individual case study. And we know *more* about it now than we did 20 years ago, but I bet we’ll know even more 20 years from *now*.

      So one option, if it helps, is to frame it as “wow, I’m glad the science at least caught up to this eventually!” You can still be mad about feeling dismissed…it’s really hard for doctors to say “I believe you but I don’t know what’s causing it/how to treat it.” As far as I can tell it’s a skillset that is, um, not always emphasized (and definitely wasn’t 20 years ago.)

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        No. When someone is in pain and begging for help and a doctor is dismissive, that isn’t something you can rationalize as “science has caught up to this!”
        Doctors being dismissive is not something we should excuse. Or “reframe”.
        We can’t fix the problem with this kind of rationalizing/defending. Not helpful.

        1. Hroethvitnir*

          Yeah: I think regardless of perspective, it’s common to mix up “difficult to diagnose” with “dismissive attitude/didn’t try”. The former is frustrating. The latter is soul destroying.

          MCAS is rare, and immune mediated disorders are a b- to diagnose. Doctors who treat “rare” as “functionally impossible” with a side of condescension are actively costing patients in QOL, and on a population level it’s more expensive to kick things down the road.

          I read an article about the population level benefits of regular health checks with a doctor you have a relationship with (hey, even economists should appreciate it *saves money*), and a doctor specifically talking about a paradigm change for her. She had an elderly patient who had a terminal diagnosis, and was so frustrated she couldn’t help.

          So she asked him what *he* wanted, rather than treating his diagnostics like a puzzle. And was able to adjust some medications to significantly improve his QOL.

          With the current approach to medical education and early career placements (less bad here than the US – PAYING to apply for a job is absolutely wild), plus a terrible shortage (related to said approach to medical education!), it’s no wonder so many don’t get past medicine as a diagnosis game.

          OK, I’ll stop, but I have so many thoughts on this. (I’m medical adjascent and would have seriously considered pivoting to an MD if it wasn’t for the incredibly disability unfriendly culture and IMO hazing that is residency. Enthusiastic agreement something needs to change from MDs and academics teaching med students I’ve spoken with, but it’s a huge, diffuse system – even with public healthcare.)

    8. Generic Name*

      I posit that you do not have to stay grateful in the face of people who neglected or harmed you. It’s okay to be angry that you weren’t heard and you were harmed as a result. I suggest writing down everything you’d like to say to the doctors.

    9. Plaidless*

      I feel your pain. I spent a decade being shoved from psychiatrist to psychiatrist and pumped full of useless drugs for bipolar/depression/BPD (nobody could agree on a diagnosis, all they knew was that I was constantly exhausted and moody). All I needed the entire time was a mother****ing thyroid test.

      Even worse, it’s become known in the past 5-10 years that hypothyroid can also cause extremely heavy and painful periods in tweens and young teens. I spent a (different) decade being told I was melodramatic when I was passing out face-down in the bathroom from soaking through a pad every half hour for 13 days straight every month. My dad was incandescent with rage when they put me on the pill to stop the periods, because they couldn’t find the cause (because he’s a boomer who thinks BC is for s1uts) .

    10. Emma*

      My two cents – in therapy, I’ve been told that telling yourself not to feel things often makes it worse. It can help to acknowledge your feelings (feeling betrayed! angry! upset!), feel them, and then wait for them to pass. Another thing my therapist told me is that feelings are like cloud – they’re here, but they do pass.

      You can decide what you actually want to do, but you feel how you feel.

    11. Southern Violet*

      I have an autoimmune disorder and, like you, it took decades to diagnose. First, I let myself be mad for a day or so. I needed to feel those feelings but not forever. Then I reminded myself that my autoimmune disorder is rare and hard to diagnose. You can tell yourself something similar: Mast cell has only really started to be understood in the last five years. They should have still taken you seriously and treated the symptoms better, but they couldnt have really diagnosed you 10 or 15 years ago.

      I am currently more upset that research into all autoimmune disorders including mine and mast cell disorders has ground to halt for no reason except cruelty and greed.

  21. Not A Manager*

    I dropped my eye makeup compact AGAIN on the hard bathroom floor and now all the colors are shattered. This doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does it’s incredibly frustrating. Other than “be more careful,” do you have any tips for protecting your makeup?

    1. Clara Bowe*

      Silicone no-slip mat for your counter. Or, keep a box on your counter when you are doing your makeup and make yourself put the compact in it each time you pick it up or set it down?

    2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Do you have anything like stick-on Velcro, so that you could put a strip of it on the back of your eyeshadow compact? I’m trying to think what else you could stick on there to make it more grippy and less slippy. Your fingers are probably a bit slippery too, from skin care products.

    4. Hello, it's me*

      Assuming you usually stand/sit in the same spot, just keep a small rug or mat on the floor. Maybe even just put a bathtowel, folded a couple of times, where your makeup usually lands. All of these options would soften the landing, and easy to throw in the wash. Easy to slide away on the floor in a corner of the closet if it doesn’t fit your decorating scheme.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      For after the fact, I bought a series of little round plastic containers to put my broken up eyeshadows in. That way I could save my favorites.

    6. Hroethvitnir*

      Not sure you’ll see this, but there are fairly simple techniques to repot eyeshadows/pressed powders. I’ve been thinking about doing it with my completely shattered black eyeshadow – just by searching YouTube, because I’ve seen it float across my recommendations in the past.

      Others have suggestions for being careful – I am aaawful so cannot help there. Alternative is using loose powders/grinding your broken powders and putting in a wee container. If you drop those, though, it’s a huge mess. And they’re a tad more difficult to work with.

  22. Aphrodite*

    De-cluttering is a large topic these days. And while I have always tended much more toward minimalism than maximalism, I have repeatedly de-cluttered using various techniques such as Apartment Therapy’s January Cure, various posts on Becoming Minimalist, and even online episodes of Hoarders. It didn’t help that I became an Amazon Vine reviewer for about a year and a half, though I dropped that on January 1 of this year.

    But . . . yesterday I reached my final “literally nothing else to de-clutter” dwelling place. I finished up the final run through of the last stages of stuff I may or may not need (and firmly decided I didn’t need it). In early April my HOA is expanding my idea of creating a place to give away these new and nearly new quality items into a half-day event of spring cleaning–bartering/giving away/selling items from residents and making it a fun time with food, drinks, etc. I am beyond excited. I will give it away, all of it.

    Most importantly, my closets have a lot of breathing space. I have no urge to buying anything that is not a necessity. I am utterly, totally content with what I have. De-cluttering brought me peace each time I did it, and now I have reached that ultimate dwelling space where I have things exactly as I want them. It’s not a relief but a strong sense of being done. I have absolutely nothing else to de-clutter.

    3. Maryn*

      Where my brother- and sister-in-law live, there’s a community center that has what amounts to a thrift shop. Some items are give-away, others for sale, a portion of the sale price going to the community center itself. People can volunteer to operate it for a few hours (and maybe get a discount?) but you don’t have to volunteer or even live there to shop.

      We go every time we visit!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Haaaa that’s awesome. I like to watch Hoarders too — it motivates me to go through stuff. I also KonMari’ed my drawers a while back and it’s so much easier to find a pair of socks or whatever.

    5. Middle Aged Lady*

      I am close to that point, but something is still holding back from letting go completely. I still have some ‘maybe I will read/use this/finish this’ and ‘just in case’ items and some ‘I don’t love it but don’t want to replace it’ clothes.
      You are inspiring me to dig deeper on why I am resistant to these last steps.
      I am convinced I would feel freer if I completed my KonMari process.

    6. Six Feldspar*

      Very impressive! I’m doing a declutter/reorganisation and I’m hoping that it will help slow down the flow of things into/out of my house (I have to remind myself that an op shopping spree is still a shopping spree…)

    7. Bibliovore*

      I am surprisingly almost there- A friend came for a week and we did the Swedish death clean. I have to do one more pass through closets for the clothes I thought I would wear but don’t anymore.
      Its time to do the kitchen cabinets- My first pass throughs moved everything I didn’t use for domestic violence shelters setting up new apartments. Now it is about the pots and pans etc that I haven’t used in the last year.

    8. Decluttering daughter*

      I helped my hoarder mother last year and it’s still a work in progress but she has a normal amount of stuff now and it feels incredibly positive. One way I helped was to give things away by posting in my local groups. A group event like yours wouldn’t work well for her because she needs to be careful about shopping and taking in other items, and that’s why I rehomed her stuff, but it would be a great solution for me!

    10. Aphrodite*

      I’m thrilled to read your stories. It can be hard to do that last de-cluttering but I found when I pushed through it, especially with all the new, unused items, it felt like a dark door had suddenly opened. I finally acknowledged that the Aerogarden that I thought would be such fun was just a piece of stuff that was making a shelf look crowded–and I didn’t like that look. To see the now empty, white clean space that felt like a gift to myself was amazing.

      I found I gained so much–white space, clean space, closet space, mind-resting space–that the “loss” was nothing. I can never regain the money I spect on that stuff but that would be true whether I kept or dumped it. The latter gave me the gifts I wanted. The former would not have.

      In the past I have also used my local Buy Nothing group, the free section of Craigslist, my co-workers who were thrilled to get my offerings, and sometimes friends who have expressed interest.

      Middle Aged Lady and Chauncy Gardener, best to you on this final step.

  23. K*

    Any runners out there?

    Currently training for my first marathon, coming up in mid-April (Marathon de Paris!). Today is the longest run of my plan: 34km. Did 32km two weeks ago which felt like a huge mental hurdle achieved! Nervous for how my body will react on real race-day. I ran the Semi de Paris last weekend and it didn’t go as planned. Hoping that means I’m working out the kinks before next month!

    Any tips to share?

    1. amoeba*

      I run, but no marathons – you have my awe! I’m quite happy with my maximum 10k, haha. Have a few runs coming up though and definitely need to get back into the game!

        1. amoeba*

          I haven’t done many, but did the 10k at the marathon de Lausanne last year and that was amazing, right on the shore of lake Geneva! (I live in Switzerland) Want to do that once again this year, plus the one in my hometown as well as a 5k women’s run in April.

          How about you? Are you from the same part of the world then or coming over just for the race?

          1. K*

            Oh I bet that was beautiful. I’ll have to look that one up in the future!

            I live in the Paris area (though I’m an American expat). I’ve done a few different 10k races in the city. Last fall I also did the Paris-Versailles Race which has a nice route out of the city (though with a tough climb).

    2. Emily*

      Coming to you from my couch as I recover from my half marathon today- my advice is to not forget the anti-chafing balm on race day!

      For a marathon, always keep in mind that adrenaline will take you far, so being nervous about your long runs and/or some of them not going great is ok because race day will be different! Plus, a “bad” long run right before a race is actually a good omen in the running world ;)

      1. K*

        Congrats on the recent half! Where was it?

        Yes, that’s what I’ve been thinking. And that makes me feel better because those 34km I did yesterday really beat me up. Looking forward to the ambiance of the real race. :)

    3. Angstrom*

      Try to stick with familiar things for nutrition and hydration that you know work for you. Race day is not the time to experiment with something new.

      1. K*

        Oh boy, this is so true! And I was kicking myself because during the half I did last week I took some food from one of the refuel stations around 15km (despite having my tried and true gels with me!) and regretted it 3km later. Had to make a pit stop to be able to finish… sigh. Better to have learned the hard way before marathon day, but man I was so mad at myself!

    4. londonedit*

      Hello! Currently training for a marathon for the first time in several years! Mine’s in six weeks’ time.

      Firstly, no one’s asking you to run a marathon now. Training is tiring and it’s hardcore and it’s a LOT of miles. By the time you get to race day you’ll be fully trained and tapered and with any luck as rested as possible. And that’s what’s going to help on race day. Plus the adrenaline – just think of the actual marathon as the victory lap at the end of all that training. Enjoy it! Of course you won’t enjoy all of it, but overall, try to enjoy the day.

      Nothing new on race day is definitely good advice – make sure your shoes are broken in, make sure your fuelling strategy is sorted, and make sure you’ve done a few runs in the exact kit you’re planning to wear on the day. That’s also part of what training is for – now is the time to make mistakes and try things out so that you’re confident on race day that you know what you’re doing.

  24. Done and dusted*

    Cleaning thread!

    What are your best tips for spring and deep cleaning? What tasks are on your list and what are your favorite tools/products?

    I did some online research but every article cites the same few things and this group gives better advice. :)

    I have awful allergies and some time off this week, so I’m ready to tackle this!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      1) Podcasts. I like to put on Terrible Lizards and then spend an hour cleaning while the hosts tell me about dinosaurs. It also helps chunk the time, to be reasonable to take a break when the podcast ends.

      2) For decluttering: The stuff that’s out on the counter is the stuff you use frequently. Start with the back of the cupboards and drawers. If you can free up some space by getting rid of the little used stuff at the back (or moving it to the basement or similar “I use this once/year” storage) then the surfaces where stuff has accumulated get easier to clean and keep neat.

      1. amoeba*

        I do something similar but with music – I basically turn cleaning into karaoke, haha! And I’ll put on a record and clean for at least one side of it (typically 20-25 mins or so). Most of the time, I’m motivated enough at that point to just keep going for the second B side as well, haha!

      2. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        I love this advice about the back of the cupboard or drawer. Top shelves in closets feel like the same kind of space.

    2. WellRed*

      I only recently discovered how amazing microfiber cloths are for mirrors and glass, especially with a vinegar water solution!

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I like to watch Midwest Magic Cleaning’s YouTube videos. His APC (all-purpose cleaner: roughly 1/2 water, 1/2 75% alcohol, and a few drops of Dawn dish soap) is great in the bathroom. I also like it for finishing up the stove after I sponge-clean it. It’s cheap to make and works really well (avoid for wood).

      1. WellRed*

        When I went back to school I found the bar an you make a big batch to have on hand or is it better to make as you go?

        1. WellRed*

          Sorry two different comments melded. Is that solution something you can make ahead to have on hand?

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Lol, I wondered what was going on there! I make it in a large spray bottle and just use it up before I make more. I looked up the ratios and it’s 1/3 alcohol, the rest water, and then 5 or 6 drops of Dawn. I think he said once that he uses 90% when he makes it for sanitizing, like when he cleans hoarder houses (he does this for people without charge; he’s autistic and cleaning up huge messes is his special interest).

            He has or had a cleaning business also, and his son helps him. They’re funny. You can find him on YouTube easily. He mentions it on almost every video.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      If you are cleaning mold off walls or windows, straight bleach is the answer. Don’t bother with diluted solutions.

      Put on truly ragged, worn out clothes. The kind you won’t mind pitching straight in the trash when you’re done.

      Gather your collection of old toothbrushes (or buy a bunch of cheapie ones at the dollar store. These, too, will go in the trash at the finish.) Also a ton of paper towels.

      Lay down a thick layer of newspapers or similar all around the area you’re cleaning. Move any furniture or plants well out of the way.

      Spray the bleach (a bottle of Clorox like you’d use in the bathroom is fine) and spray the mold directly. Let sit for a few seconds. Then SCRUB it with those toothbrushes; scrub scrub scrub! Make sure to get into all the corners and crevices. Once done, wipe down thoroughly with the towels.

      Keep your windows open for at least an hour to air things out!

      1. StudentA*

        Is the mold invisible? Not sure I’ve ever detected mold on living area walls before. But if I did, I really like your tips. Would you also do this just for cleaning the walls with or without mold?

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          For me the mold is VERY visible. I live in famously damp part of the country and it’s Club Med for mold.

          For just washing walls without having to do mold removal, I find Formula 409 is terrific. Spray it on like you would Windex on a window and give a really good wipe down. Pay extra attention to doors/doorjambs (especially around the knobs and keyholes) and around light switches. In the kitchen, you may need to do a couple rounds if there’s lots of grease buildup.

          If you’re cleaning a haunted house and the walls are truly filthy, maybe a straight up cannister vacuum to get the worst of the dirt, then wash with soap and water.

    5. Six Feldspar*

      Definitely worth cleaning the windows inside and out, window screens if you have them and the edges of the window frames. Lots of gunk gets in there and you might find gaps where dust and insects can get through

    6. o_gal*

      For me, I’ve found that tackling 1 room at a time is best. Start with a small room – get in there and really, really clean it out. Declutter it first, then deep clean. At the end, you’ll have 1 room that is DONE, and you’ll get a feeling of accomplishment.

  25. lonely*

    I’m looking for resources about loneliness (other than therapy). Not combating loneliness, or finding friends, but accepting it, learning to live with it. Books/movies/articles on the internet, any suggestions are welcome.

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      May Sarton’s book, Journal of a Solitude, springs to mind. She really pays attention to her daily life, the meaning of things, in a deep and subtle way.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Some ideas:

      Arrangements in Blue: Notes on Loving and Living Alone by Amy Key – the author pretty clearly wants to be in a romantic relationship but writes about her methods of coping with living alone for the time being.

      Live Alone and Like It by Marjorie Hillis – this one’s from 1936, so there are aspects that haven’t aged well, but for the most part I found it an entertaining read, and it did include some helpful tips. (I’ve never had a problem with living alone – indeed, I prefer it – and I was pleased to find that Hillis recognizes that mindset as well as those of the less-happy “Living Aloners”, and includes advice for young single women as well as for the unexpectedly-widowed.) “Whether you view your one-woman ménage as Doom or Adventure (and whether you are twenty-six or sixty-six), you need a plan, if you are going to make the best of it.”

      Each chapter features her advice on some aspect of life on one’s own, with some fictionalized “case studies” to provide examples of ways to succeed at the solitary life – and ways in which one might fail. And there’s some really dandy advice for maintaining friendships (to whatever degree you want them), determining whether a romantic relationship is worth your time and expense, how to enjoy having a room/apartment/house to yourself (and when to go find some company – Hillis does not encourage people who are very ill to try and tough it out alone).

      And then there’s Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant, a collection of essays edited by Jenni Ferrari-Adler, and dealing with the concept of eating alone – whether at home or out. Since it focuses on the meal-prep/dining side of being alone I don’t know if it’s the kind of thing you’re looking for, but many of the essays are really good reading.

      Good luck!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Laurie Colwin’s Home Cooking and More Home Cooking have lots of recipes for single dining–one of her chapters is titled Alone In the Kitchen With an Eggplant and is about how she lived and ate in her single days.

    4. Bonne chance*

      How to Be Alone by Lane Moore. (I think there were a few articles or previews that came out around the time the book was published, and I remember quite liking those.)

    5. Little Miss Helpful*

      No specific resources, but an approach that I sometimes enjoy is “being my own best friend.” I am a perfect travel companion to myself! If I get bored midway through an attraction, my best friend self is totally fine just leaving right then! She’s also always in the mood for the same kind of food I am. Sometimes I disagree with myself about mess/cleanliness, though.

    6. Emma*

      If you’re religious, I really like the prayer “Trust in the slow work of God” by Pierre del Hardin.
      It’s almost like a poem, talking about accepting being in suspense and incomplete.

  26. Movie theme ideas*

    I’m looking for ideas on genres for movie series.
    At around New Year’s 2020 a bunch of people made lists of the “100 most important films” for the 100th anniversary of cinema. My spouse and I started watching our way through those films, but couldn’t do all 100. (post-war Japan was too bleak). Then we did all the Bond films to about 2000, when we started to watch them in the cinema. The past weekend we finished a series of 15-20 classic Noir films. Any ideas for themes to tackle next? We’re not interested in horror or gore. We don’t mind old films. And, they can’t all be on a streaming service. We don’t mind different takes on the same film. (we watched all 3 versions of “The Maltese Falcon”).

    1. CTT*

      Academy Award Best Picture winners came to mind. There would be some overlap with the 100 best films list you did, but I always think a Best Picture winner is a fascinating look into what was on people’s minds in a particular year.

    3. WellRed*

      Legal movies? Or, if feeling more uh, low brow, chick flicks, action thrillers, buddy flicks or Keanu reeves ( of whatever actor you choose). Speaking of buddies, I borrowed The Heat from the library and might watch today.

      1. Angstrom*

        Following an actor can be interesting, especially if they’ve had a long career with a wide range of roles. For example, I first remember Fred MacMurray as a goof from Disney movies like “Son of Flubber”, so it was a shock to see him as a heavy in “The Apartment” or “Double Indemnity”

        1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

          Following an actor is such a great idea! And after watching a wonderful interview Stephen Colbert recently did with him, my suggestion would be GARY OLDMAN. Long career, very different characters all in all.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          Same with Leslie Nielsen! He had a career as a dramatic lead/heavy/villain before becoming a comedy actor.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Animation, which has gone from being dismissed as kiddie stuff to its own art form.

      Flow
      A range of Miyazaki (I think Totoro and Spirited Away are better than the recent ones)
      Other Japanese animation (e.g. Tokyo Godfathers)
      The animated Spiderman movies, which were compelling and the art and music really worked into the storytelling.
      Some classic Disney and recent Disney, including Pixar
      The Wild Robot

    5. Buni*

      40s-60s screwball: Bringing Up Baby, His Girl Friday, Some Like It Hot, personally I LOVE How to Steal a Million…

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        Honourable mention to What’s Up Doc?, which is from the ’70s but is apparently supposed to be a remake of Bringing Up Baby.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          And Foul Play, also from the 70s (or maybe early 80s). Don’t think it’s a remake – definitely gives screwball vibes and is one of my favorite movies ever.

    6. HannahS*

      There was a series on the AV Club called “When Romance Met Comedy” which explored the genre. There were really good recommendations.

    7. Morning Reader*

      I did similar with a friend a few years back. I think we used Leonard Malkin’s list that went by decades. (Some of the earliest silent ones we couldn’t find, even with ILL.) Then, we went off on tangents from that. Spaghetti westerns, all the Hitchcock, finding an actor you like and watching all of theirs. (I’ve been on a Tom Hanks kick lately. Recommend News of the World, great little western came out in 2020 so I think it as overlooked.) I also went through all the movies at the library on dvd, alphabetically (for the most part), watching anything that caught my interest, and discovered some gems along the way. Most recently Torn Curtain, 1966, with Paul Newman and Julie Andrews. Also recommend A Face in the Crowd, Andy Griffith 1957, as classic as the Manchurian Candidate for political films, scary to see old comfy Andy morph into a Limbaugh/Trump type media villain.
      So I’d say, find an actor or director to follow as long as you like, or find another list to go through, then take tangents off that.
      Also recommend taking a class or reading a book about film. It made me appreciate lighting and costume and such in ways I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise.
      Also recommend using your library’s dvd or streaming offerings. Some older titles hard to find otherwise, and the DVDs often have additional material, interviews, etc.
      Oh and film festivals. For the full experience. I’m going to see “Daughter of the Dawn” next week at the Coastline Children’s Film Festival Festival, silent, 1920, with a live piano player. Oh and foreign films. Planning to see an Irish one and a German one in the festival.

    9. heckofabecca*

      I love all the suggestions so far!!!! Here’s some more:

      1) Adaptations of Pride and Prejudice! There are SO many! I’ve watched a lot online for free. You may have seen some of them before, too, but I really enjoyed the compare/contrast. And you can easy read it in text or via audiobook.

      2) Shakespeare retellings! A lot are set in high school or college (Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, She’s the Man, Easy A, etc), but there was also a series from the BBC where they did modern retellings with adult characters.

      3) I’ve been really impressed with the animated movies I’ve seen in the last *mumblemumble* years, so it might be worth looking at an animation style, director/writer/etc, genre, etc that speaks to you. A few recommendations: The Mitchells vs. the Machines, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse (and the sequel!), Nimona, Wolfwalkers…

      4) If there’s a historical period/event/etc you’re interested in, it’s interesting to compare/contrast the way it’s been fictionalized over time. I did this in a history course with Mutiny on the Bounty (including 4 films, 2 novels, primary sources, and a biography of William Bligh). Bonus points for looking at multiple documentaries on the same subject!

      5) Check out movies made by and about folks who live in your area that you don’t know a lot about! I’m specifically thinking along minority lines re: race, ethnicity, religion and/or class and/or gender, etc.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        Yesss most of the P&P are so good. My favorites are the Colin Firth one and Lizzie Bennet Diaries (modernized YouTube series produced by Hank Green) but the Bollywood and Laurence Olivier ones are super fun too.

      3. Zephy*

        Re #2: Throne of Blood (1957) is an adaptation of Macbeth, directed by Akira Kurosawa and starring Toshiro Mifune.

    11. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      A few years ago I made it my goal to watch all of the Academy Award nominees for Best Animated Feature that I hadn’t already seen. I think some of the best films I’ve ever seen I discovered through that project.

    12. Generic Name*

      You could watch all of the Marvel Comic films in order. There are various websites out there that list them all in order. I think there’s at least a dozen.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        We did that starting before pandemic and revved up during lockdown. We used a list from CNET.

    13. Seashell*

      Courtroom dramas

      Movies adapted from plays or Broadway musicals

      All movies by a particular director

      The New York Times recently made a list of “The Movies We’ve Loved Since 2000”. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2025/movies/best-movies-since-2000.html I don’t know if I’d want to watch them all, but there are definitely a few from each year that I would watch or rewatch. If you have access to the website, it also lets you pick by genre and/or year.

    14. Dark Macadamia*

      Musicals? There’s a LOT so maybe choose an actor or criteria to narrow them down, like finding the most iconic dance scenes (Gene Kelly with Tom and Jerry! Fred Astaire on the ceiling! etc), or do 1 per year including more recent ones like Chicago.

    15. Zephy*

      If you’ve mostly been watching American productions, branch out into foreign cinema. There are a lot of Russian productions available on Youtube, look up Mosfilm.

    16. The Prettiest Curse*

      Every so often, I’ll dive into the output of a director if I haven’t seen many of their films and want to see more. Even though it’s not by genre, it can be really fascinating to compare and contrast themes. So far, I’ve done Hayao Miyazaki, Agnes Varda and Aki Kaurismaki. I’m currently catching up with some of the Derek Jarman films I haven’t seen, and Andrei Tarkovsky is also an ongoing project. I also want to do Kira Muratova, Channel Akerman and Terence Davies.

      If you choose a director who has a strong, established style and generally has a strong output, it will be more fun – but I imagine doing this with someone like Ridley Scott who jumps around all over the place topic-wise would be interesting too.

    17. is the math right ?*

      Along the lines of the viewer who suggested interpretations of Pride and Prejudice and Shakespeare plays, you could also look at books like Frankenstein and Dracula – many interpretations of that theme that have come up over the decades.

    18. *daha**

      Directors!
      Obvious big names: Mel Brooks, Alfred Hitchcock, John Ford, John Woo
      Lesser celebrated: Peter Greenaway, Ken Russell, Ron Howard

    19. Chauncy Gardener*

      All Agatha Christie movies?
      All movies with a certain movie star in them?
      All Jurassic Park and/or Harry Potter movies?
      Both versions of “Swept Away?”

      Sounds like fun!

    20. Jill Swinburne*

      Films where Not Much happens. I’m thinking along the lines of Perfect Days and Patterson – there are certain to be others. I found them both great meditations on the nature of ‘normality’ and how, in the words of Hank Scorpio, ‘it’s the little things that make up life’.

  27. Falling Diphthong*

    Movies that became quotable or iconic, infusing pop culture as a reference? WellRed’s suggestion made me think of The Big Lebowski.

    Obviously The Princess Bride. The first Star Wars and Alien movies. (For the latter, you should know that there are only two movies in this franchise.) The Godfather. Steamboat Willie.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Ghostbusters!

      Who you gonna call?
      Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
      I’ve quit better jobs than this.
      Mother pus bucket!
      If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.
      Back off, man. I’m a scientist.
      Okay, who brought the dog?
      I am the Gatekeeper. I am the Keymaster.
      There is no Dana, only Zuul.
      We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
      Egon, your mucus!
      That’s a big Twinkie.
      Don’t cross the streams!

      :)

    5. Emily Byrd Starr*

      E.T.
      Dirty Dancing
      Back to the Future
      Jaws
      Titanic
      Good Will Hunting
      Jerry Maguire
      Forrest Gump
      The Lion King
      Meet The Parents
      Fight Club

      Why, yes, I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, why do you ask?

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Same actress, Madeline Kahn, but Young Frankenstein has her doing the “the hair! The Nails!” and singing “Oh, Sweet Mystery of Life” (both iconic moments of their own!)

          1. iglwif*

            Oooohhhh okay. It’s been years since I’ve seen either of those but they are both so good!!

    8. Bob Howard*

      Monty Python films:
      Life of Brian: “He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy.”
      Holy Grail: “t’is but a flesh wound.”

    10. Amber Rose*

      Rocky Horror Picture Show. Everyone knows the Time Warp.

      Labyrinth. I get so much joy from the responses I get to “you remind me of the babe.”

      Army of the Dead: Good, bad, I’m the one with the gun.

    11. Morning Reader*

      Dirty Harry. Do you feel lucky, punk?
      Gone with the Wind. Feet don’t fail me now. I’ll think about it tomorrow, at Tara. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
      Wizard of Oz. We’re not in Kansas anymore. Flying monkeys. I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
      On the waterfront. I coulda been a contender.
      The godfather… (too many to mention)
      Fatal attraction. I will not be ignored.
      All the westerns. Circle the wagons. Meet back at the ranch.
      Lone Ranger. What do you mean “we”, kemosabe?
      ET phone home.
      Blues Brothers. I hate Illinois nazis. We’re getting the band back together. “It’s 106 miles to Chicago…”
      To Have and Have Not. Lauren Bacall. You know how to whistle, don’t you?
      Mae West in She Done Him Wrong: come up and see me sometime.
      Wayne’s World. We are not worthy!

      From TV:
      Dragnet. Just the facts
      Star Trek. Beam me up (and many more)
      Laugh In. Sock it to me.

      This is fun!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Love Mae West! I don’t know the film, but one of my favorite of her bits has her rolling on into a fancy nightclub and the coat check girl saying “My, what beautiful diamonds!” Mae doesn’t hesitate a second: “Goodness had nothin’ to do with it, sweetie!”

    12. iglwif*

      I find Mel Brooks movies extremely quotable. “What knockers!” “Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges.” “Simple people. Salt of the earth. You know … morons.” “It’s pronounced Frahnkensteen.” “You’re about to lose your two best friends, and I don’t mean those jerks in the Winnebago.”

      Why? No idea. Possibly too much exposure to Mel Brooks at an impressionable age.

    13. Peanut Hamper*

      Not quite a movie, but I inject lines from Firefly into my conversations on a semi-regular basis.

    14. Dancing with Penguins*

      Spinal Tap!
      “But…these go to 11”,
      Stonehenge in danger of being crushed by a dwarf
      “None. None more black”
      Having a bigger dressing room than the puppets
      …the patron saint of quality footwear

      And I actually got to use “but you can’t dust for vomit” at the vet recently!

    15. Nicki Name*

      Raiders of the Lost Ark. Not verbally quotable, but so many bits I’ve seen visual references to.

  28. Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells*

    Good grief, I’m having a bad weekend so far. There was a ton of crap on Friday, then I have feel sick today in a café. I hope they’re not linked.

    Have you had similar problems, as a GM or fellow player? How did you resolve it?

    There was an argument a fortnight ago about customisation of rules. We needed to introduce a new player. The only partner available played a custom army, but a proper intro game needs a standard army. One thing leads to another, the experienced player storms out, and the newbie is put off. I hope he comes back.
    The GM was right, that’s for certain.

    1. heckofabecca*

      Oof, I hope you are feeling better by now or very soon.

      On the rules disagreement: I’ve no idea what game you’re talking about (armies AND gm??), and I don’t know what you mean by “The GM was right”—but I’m very interested to hear what “one thing leads to another” means, because going from something like “Longtime Player, would you be wiling to help introduce New Player to Game™ by playing with a standard army instead of your usual one?” to Longtime Player *storming out* seems pretty extreme to me!

      2. Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells*

        Not really feeling better, but never mind.
        Think of a game similar to Warhammer. We have a GM to keep things in order as we’re in a public place. We have 4 games going on at once.
        What happened was that the longtime player always want to play a custom team. Always. Standard teams aren’t good enough for this person, apparently. The newbie, being new, wanted to learn by playing against a standard team. The only pairing available was against the longtime player.
        Under the rules, a custom team is only allowed by mutual consent. The newbie didn’t consent because he wanted to play against a known team. The GM agreed with the newbie. The longtime player declared she was dropping out.
        I offered to swap teams. The longtime player could have played against my opponent instead, and I would have gone against the newbie. Instead, the longtime player just stormed out. It was incredible. The newbie then felt put off and left too.
        We carried on without them.

        1. heckofabecca*

          Ohhhh okay. The GM here sounds like more of a moderator over a multigame event—which may just be a definition of GM I haven’t heard before. Thanks for clarifying!

          I suspect that Longtime Player would’ve been a bad fit/turnoff for a newbie even if they *were* okay with playing a standard team. The fact that the GM had to intervene at all on a consent issue that’s a known rule… well, it’s something!!! If LP isn’t willing to follow the rules, they made the right choice to leave! And I imagine the fact that LP behaved so poorly PLUS was probably an obviously frequent attendee… well, if I was newbie, LP’s behavior and the fact that it presumably was tolerated would turn me off too!

          Separately: it is kinda weird to me to see you refer to this situation as the GM “agree[ing] w/newbie.” GM wasn’t agreeing with anyone—they just enforced the rules as they are (presumably clearly) written.

    2. Tiny Clay Insects*

      Have we had similar problems of feeling sick in a cafe, as a GM? I am having trouble parsing this, even knowing what GM means.

      1. Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells*

        Apologies. I still feel a bit sick. The cafe was just a s problem earlier. A GM is a games master, running a tabletop game.

  29. Long Bright River*

    Alison recommended Long Bright River a bit ago, and based on her recommendation, I read it and really liked it. Now, there is a tv series based on the novel. I watched the first episode, and I’m not sure yet I’ll continue. Some of the things I took away from the book and thought important have been changed, and objectively, a significant character, the grandmother, is now a grandfather, which makes a difference to me. I’d love to hear anyone else’s views on this, though!

    1. Rara Avis*

      Read the book; curios about the adaptation but I don’t have Peacock. Amanda Seyfried was on Wsit Wait Don’t Tell Me this morning talking about doing a ride-along to prepare for the role.

      1. The Petson from the Resume*

        Same! I absolutely loved Long Bright River (I’ve become a huge Liz Moore fan). I know the preview is just a preview, but LBR the book turned out to be much more of a family drama/mystery than a murder mystery/police procedural and the preview has no hint of that. And it even did a thing I normally hate (narrator holding back knowledge they’re well aware of in order to create mystery for the reader) but in this case it worked and didn’t annoy me because the narrator was trying to avoid thinking about those facts.

        I don’t have whatever streaming service that it’s on but I doubt the series compliments TBR book enough to bother.

        OTOH a few seconds into the preview I immediately clocked the book it was based on.

        1. Long Bright River*

          You nailed what I was thinking about family drama/mystery versus murder mystery/police procedural. I know movies and tv series often need to take liberties, but it felt like too much. I loved how the family drama involved women through generations, so Gee possibly becoming Gee-Pop changed an important focus for me. I think I saw that Liz Moore was involved in this adaptation, so I thought it might more closely follow the book.

          Maybe if I had watched the show first or if there were no book to compare it to, it might be a great watch!

          It’s streaming on Peacock, which I think is free, but there are unavoidable commercials.

          Thank you both for your thoughts/comments!

  30. RussianInTexas*

    New thread: imagine you have an opportunity and funds to build a house/condo/dwelling to your exact specifications. What would it be? After thinking about it, I realized I have almost no thoughts of what it would look like, inside or out except for the vague “no white with black trim modern farmhouse and no white kitchen), but after living in my current house for the last 10 years, this is what I have:
    Inside laundry room. My current laundry is in the garage and I have to argue with spiders to use it.
    The most modern PEX plumbing possible.
    Metal roof.
    The best insulation known to mankind.
    The best windows money can buy.
    The best possible HVAC.
    Solar panels with batteries for the power outages.
    More room for the cats litter boxes.

    1. Alex*

      I assume these are unlimited funds?

      I would like an indoor lap pool with a carved out portion as a hot tub. And a sauna nearby.
      Big kitchen with a big freezer and lots of counterspace and a pantry.
      Heat pump for HVAC system with a programmable thermostat. With good insulation of course :)
      Fenced in yard and doggie door for my dog.

    2. Hello, it's me*

      Closet space. What I would give for closets! (The list is long.) My home is over 100 years old, and apparently built before people wore clothes. My kitchen cupboard (yes, that’s singular) is above the sink, and it’s great–shelves all the way to the ceiling. Too bad I’m 5 feet tall and can only reach the bottom one.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        OMG yes to closets. I also live in a house that was originally built over a century ago, and although there have been many updates, there’s only so much one can do for closets in a bungalow that was probably originally a single-story. My kingdom for a closet that’s not like a cave.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Probably when wardrobes, as separate pieces of furniture, were standard. You might be able to score some bargains in that department since “old wooden stuff” is out of style antique wise!

        1. Rural*

          That and people had only two or three changes of clothes. My 140 year old farmhouse had a couple of hooks on the walls in each bedroom. Fortunately closets were built in the 1930’s remodel

        2. Clisby*

          Yep. We live in a 1925 house that has:

          1 very small hall closet
          1 closet in my daughter’s bedroom
          1 Harry-Potter under the stairs closet in a bathroom
          1 closet in what we use as a home office but conceivably could be a 4th bedroom.

          My husband and I have 2 armoires in our bedroom, and our son has 1 in his.

    4. Getting Old Fast*

      Built-ins everywhere. Bookcases. Storage, both dedicated and tucked in wherever it fits. A big coat closet. (We live where winter is fierce.) Lots of outlets in every room. Accessible laundry. A large lot for auditory privacy–not all lawn but natural, ideally woodlands for much of it. A garage big enough to hold outdoor tools like mower, snowblower in addition to vehicles. A dry basement. Solar and/or a natural gas generator for those outages. A place to sit down in the kitchen so I’m not always standing as I cook or bake. (Stupid knees!) A walk-in shower. A main-floor bedroom and full bath for the inevitable day I can’t deal with stairs.

      Geez, not asking for much, am I?

        1. Sloanicota*

          LOL okay you got me there, every room in my house (1940) has ONE (1) outlet, never in the spot you want it to be in. But you can pay an electrician to install more outlets and it’s not THAT expensive comparatively (compared to all the other things a house built in 1940 might need, that is).

        2. ronda*

          I am in a new build apartment. the bedroom living room and kitchen all have outlets on every wall. plenty!

          the bathroom has one.
          They really just dont want you using electricity in the bathroom. :).

      2. No ID today*

        Coat Closet! omg my offspring both have quite nice homes but one has no closet by either front or back doors, and the other has a front door closet that’s barely big enough for hats and mittens much less costs for a family of six!!

    5. RagingADHD*

      It wouldn’t look exactly like Monet’s house at Giverny, but a lot more like that than not.

      I’ll take all the efficiencies you listed, please, plus a fireplace, a storm cellar or other tornado shelter, and a screened-in back porch with a ceiling fan.

    6. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      Lots of storage, especially in the kitchen. Agree with the previous post that said built-ins!
      A utility sink.
      A laundry room with a finished floor.
      Lots of light, especially in the kitchen.
      I’ve always wanted a house with a turret to make into a reading room with window benches.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Within the constraint “Assume I like (or at least can work with) the location, and would adapt the house plan (e.g. 1 or more stories, window placement, setbacks) to fit it.” So I’m building from scratch in this space.

      • The side of the house facing the road has the functional spaces (stairs, laundry, kitchen or office), with the living room facing onto a nice view like a back garden. Good connection from the house to outside spaces, but not to the road or the neighbor’s windows.

      • High ceilings.

      • Light from two sides in all spaces bigger than bath/laundry.

      • Symmetry and lining up views between spaces–like the light from two sides, this really affects how I feel about a space. (Estes Twombley Architects in Rhode Island are the ones where, if they show up in a Taunton Press book, my shoulders relax.)

      • More broadly, a thoughtful, coherent design that worked through how the space would function–where you need connection, where you need privacy, where a little extra space would pay off. Plenty of storage. And then executed this functional part well, while adding some details for beauty (like a broad landing with space for a chair and shelves). This can be done with simple, off the shelf materials.

      • Connected kitchen, living, and dining area. Also master bedroom, two guest bedrooms (kids), two office/craft spaces (me and spouse), 2 car garage plus workshop.

      (The house that we ultimately didn’t try to buy, but that lingers as a “what if” for both of us, is one that had all of the last point but the separate workshop, and then really excelled at the “make things both functional and beautiful.” It had a small kitchen, which should have immediately killed our interest, but the living area with a view to the back, the wide stairs with greenhouse window, the TWO generous home office spaces, the sense of shelter from the road through windows and landscaping and good planning… Wow that was a lovely house. Not huge, but so thoughtful.)

    8. Not A Manager*

      Unless I could build the house to include an on-site property manager and endless funds for maintenance and repairs, I would pass on the opportunity. I’m so happy to be renting again!

    9. iglwif*

      Oooooooo what an awesome question.

      Townhouse with balconies, rooftop deck that I can turn into a green roof, and room for some gardening in front and back. 3 bedrooms, so I can have an office and kiddo can have her own room when she visits. Finished basement, made larger by using the space we don’t need for a garage, with lots of storage, including purpose-built shelving for my spouse’s comic boxes and my crafting supplies. A washroom on every floor, none of which you have to go through a bedroom to access.

      Front-loading washer, dryer, and both indoor and outdoor clothes drying setups (for winter and summer, respectively). Solar panels, heat pump, excellent insulation.

      Brightly painted accent walls in every room, and ALL of our art professionally hung up in pleasing configurations. High-quality, professionally installed hardwood flooring and NO HORRIBLE CARPETS.

      Really good induction stove with self-cleaning oven, an extremely powerful fan over the stove, good fridge, really excellent dishwasher (all of them very stupid — I don’t need my appliances to be on the internet, thanks). An eat-in kitchen AND a dining room, with a door you can close between them so that when you’re eating you can’t see the kitchen mess, and a decent-sized pantry, and good worktop space, and either a window or good lighting over the sink so I can see when I’m washing dishes.

      Lots and lots of light in general, and brand-new, functional blinds on all the windows.

    10. Sloanicota*

      That’s funny, this thread made me realize I love my house and can hardly imagine anything more perfect. That’s probably because I bought it as a fixer upper and have been there watching it become my cozy place. A lot of people would find objective faults (small kitchen, no garage) but for me personally those things don’t matter. It’s cozy, old but not so old it’s a safety issue, and got a big yard for all my garden dreams.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Similar – I want my house pretty much exactly as is, except for somehow to have all the same spaces on a single level, because if I get to a point where I can’t navigate stairs, I’m hosed – all the bedrooms and two of the three bathrooms (the ones with showers/tubs) are all upstairs.

    11. Zona the Great*

      Closed concept (I’m tortured by open concept homes), secret rooms and hideaways, butler’s pantry, laundry shoot, whole house vacuum, ghosts, a finished basement for summer, a canning room, and a veggie cold-storage room.

    12. Cacofonix*

      I managed to do this! And while we didn’t have unlimited funds, we also don’t have extravagant wants. That is, our now lovely but modest home would still be the best place to live even if we won a kabillion dollars. For us was getting the house in the perfect location (a ravine in the forest but close to amenities and 20 minutes from city centre), save like mad for ages, then update everything. All new energy efficient windows, hvac, electrical, better kitchen, storage, guest room, bathrooms etc. My stretch extravagances were to build a small workshop and a space for an infrared sauna. They are awesome for us. I still don’t have a garage, but we knew that would not be possible when we bought the place.

    13. HannahS*

      Oh I am READY for this, if any millionaires would like to sponsor me. Ok. So, starting with a big-but-not-too big property, maybe a quarter acre. The house is two stories, around 1500 square feet (minus the basement.) The style is either cozy Victorian or craftsman; lots of wood, nicely constructed. It has ROOMS because I loathe open-concept. There are large, beautiful windows letting in natural light. The colour palette includes wood, soft whites, French blue, sage-y green, and some small pops of yellow and red. There is definitely a fireplace and a large patio.

    14. Can't Sit Still*

      Lots and lots of storage. And some more storage. And still more storage. And just as many outlets as storage. Outlets everywhere.
      Triple pane windows
      Modern plumbing
      A heated bidet toilet seat
      A mudroom because I have a bad habit of tossing off my coat and shoes the instant I walk through the door. The mudroom should also have a 3/4 bath, so I can shower before going into the house. Oh, and a shoe storage closet that holds everything from knee high boots to hiking boots to sneakers to designer shoes. Temperature controlled, of course.
      Walk in pantry
      A kitchen with plentiful counter space
      A stand alone freezer
      A large refrigerator
      A breakfast nook
      Walk in seasonal closets
      A wet bar and coffee bar with its own refrigerator
      A north facing library with floor to ceiling shelves and a library ladder to reach them all. Possibly the only room in the house that would be 2 stories.
      A cozy window seat in the library
      Cat room with floor to ceiling windows – not to exclude them there, but so they have their own space in the house with cat walls, most of the litterboxes, etc.
      Automatic blinds or drapes that open and close based on sunrise and sunset.
      Heated floors
      Extremely well insulated
      Floors should be soft on my arthritic feet AND easy to clean. I’m sure there’s something if I have unlimited funds!
      Solar panels with batteries for power storage and a built-in automatic generator if I can’t rely entirely on the solar panels.
      Laundry room off my ensuite bathroom. My grandmother had a pass-through laundry door between the main bathroom and her laundry room which was incredibly convenient. Dirty laundry ended up right next to the washing machine. My main clothing closet should be close to the laundry room as well.
      High quality washer and dryer, with built in racks/clothes lines for things that need to either hang dry or lay flat to dry.
      Hot tub in my nicely landscaped backyard with a high privacy fence.
      Suitable native landscaping around the entire house with a nice gazebo and a south facing sunroom with a day bed for days I’m having a bad flare.
      If I don’t have the space for a single story, an elevator, because I don’t trust chair lifts.
      Walk in showers with disguised grab bars everywhere in all of the bathrooms
      It should feel open and airy but not feel exposed
      I really, really want a dining room, possibly with a passthrough to the kitchen.
      A craft room that I can shut the cats out of so I can leave my looms set up and my knitting projects out. Lots and lots of storage here, too!
      An office to WFH and then for home admin type things after I retire. There should be a nice deck or balcony off of the office, as well as a mini fridge and a half bath.
      I think I want a central vacuum as well.

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      Besides plumbing/electric/appliances as a base need, and the house well constructed generally,let’s see:

      Lots of warm wood and plushy fabrics (but easy to clean and maintain.)

      A useable, finished attic (no bare planks/insulation everywhere) and basement (dry, well lit)

      Enough room for so many bookcases. No, more than that. Even more. Okay, now double that number. At least one room that can hold one of those sliding ladders.

      A full guest room that isn’t a de facto storage space/sewing room or whatever. Set up to receive guests.

    16. Dark Macadamia*

      Probably the #1 thing is a dedicated craft space, which I have in my current house and feel so lucky about. Could it be self-cleaning somehow?

      I love my house but the floor plan is kind of closed off in a way that the living room is separated from the rest of it by a wall and hallway… I really wish the kitchen/dining/living was one big space for entertaining purposes.

      I want to replace most of the lighting. Various reasons from brightness to ugly fixtures to consistency.

      Nice floors (quality and appearance).

      Perfect plumbing.

    18. Enough*

      I would actually rebuild the house I have now but with the tweaks that 40 years of living and changes in appliances and building bring. Biggest changes would be larger family room and a dedicated first floor master suite.

    19. fhqwhgads*

      Metal roof. Absolutely definitely metal roof.
      R60 mineral wool insulation.
      Fireproof eaves cover things
      The most insulated and sound blocking windows, with the blinds that go between the panes so you never have to dust.
      Solar panels with batteries for the power outages.
      The most efficient tankless water heater that exists.
      The quietest dishwasher that exists.
      A garage that’s 3 feet deeper than my current one. Right now I can’t open the hatch of my car unless the garage door is open.
      A formal dining room that is separate from the kitchen.
      Hardwired internet to all rooms (I could do this myself, but I now have physical limitations that make doing so a literal pain.)
      Laundry room inside with allll the fun soundproofing, and a long counter for folding and organizing and space for a good drying rack.
      Bathrooms with separate tubs and showers.
      Built-in bookshelves on every wall of the living room.
      Walk-in closets.
      Bigger hall closet.
      Walk-in pantry.
      Bigger linen closet.
      Rooms arranged such that they all have windows capable of creating a cross breeze.

      Also the idea of building to my own specifications inherently comes with the feature of no longer needing to worry about/test for/deal with lead paint or asbestos since anything built now can’t have that, so that’s a bonus.

    20. Nightengale*

      it would be an apartment I rent so I don’t have to deal with a roof, front walk or a plumber

      no stairs – ramp and/or elevator

      in a building that accepts packages

      really really good heat

      a dishwasher with a separate dry cycle – most of my dishes are plastic and I end up air drying them for hours after washing

      overhead lights I can safely reach myself from a stepstool

      gas stove

    21. WestsideStory*

      So many good ideas! I have more modest plans for my next apartment, but these are the must-haves:

      Window in the kitchen.
      Window in the bathroom.
      Windows with lots of light in the other rooms.
      A decent view of the street or the neighborhood.
      Small terrace or at least a Juliette balcony for outdoor gardening. (Yes I will settle for a greenhouse window)
      Bathroom right next to the bedroom.
      Adequate kitchen storage and cook prep counter space.
      Wall space for Mr. W’s desired enormous TV and recliner he anticipates retiring in.
      Washer/Dryer at least in the building, if not in the apartment.
      Low or at least reasonable monthly maintenance.
      Live-in Super with a sunny personality.
      Walkable to shops, post office, library, public transit, house of worship.

      Enjoying all the other comments!

    22. Hello, it's me*

      Doors! An old-timey screen door on a back porch that would make that skree-thwack sound when opened and shut:)
      A pocket door. Because I was so impressed when my grandma showed me one in her house when I was very little. I can still see how tickled *she* was that *I* was so tickled.
      And a hidden door, like if you touched the right book in a bookcase, it would swing open to reveal the secret room or passageway behind it.

    23. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Assuming unlimited funds: Most important is location – what I love the most about our current house. Convenient to everything and still in a fairly quiet neighborhood.

      Aside from that….a mud room. A library, preferably with high enough ceilings to have a rolling ladder. Higher ceilings in general because I love ceiling fans (don’t care what the designers say!). Multiple rooms with chairs or sofas that I can sit on with my feet up.

      Not forced air heat. Would love hot-water heat with actual radiators – do they still do that? Definitely central AC, though, with several different zones.

      A garage connected to the house where we can actually park the cars, which would require my husband having a designated workshop somewhere else since part of the reason we can’t park even one car in the garage now is that he has a big table saw and nowhere else to put it.

    24. Christmas Carol*

      Proper orientation. My current house has it’s bedrooms facing west, that means in the winter I get no sun at all when its time to wake up, and in summer I’m still getting sun in my bedroom windows until late late in the evening. If I ever move, my bedroom will face east.

      At least one electrical outlet out side on each side of my house, with switches inside (maybe in the mudroom?) so that I can limit when they are “live”

      A small space to use as a cat bathroom, ie, a bespoke location for the litter box.

    25. Girasol*

      Years ago I visited a college professor who had built her home into a hillside. She had buried several culvert sections, cut skylights into them, and lined the inside with insulating foam patted down roughly, so that it looked like a bright white sand cave. If we’re building dream houses, I want one like that. Although solar or wind power would be nice too.

  31. RussianInTexas*

    And once more thread! Last week we talked about things that take you out of a movie or a book. Most of these things were factual mistakes. But what about the things more ephemeral, like language?
    The same book I talked about last week, set in Galveston, keeps making the characters saying “the ocean” while talking about the Gulf of Mexico. I don’t know about all other Gulf states, but no one in Texas calls it “ocean”. Ocean is out there, by the West and the East Coasts.
    Small things that gives away that the writer does not live in the area he is writing about.

    1. YNWA*

      Maybe he’s trying to avoid calling it the Gulf of America as it’s been renamed by the current US president but he knows calling it the Gulf of Mexico will offend some people.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        He was not. The book was not written in the last 2 months, obviously, not the writer is an American.

        1. Clisby*

          And I am highly skeptical that many Americans have started calling the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. Don’t tell me about Google Maps – I know. I mean regular Americans. I’ve literally never seen/heard anyone adopting this absurd term. If I did, I’d assume this was a provocateur/troll, not somebody who really thinks the name of the gulf has changed.

    2. WellRed*

      I just finished a book, a mystery, and it had a pair of children ages 4 & 6, who used some words that would not naturally be part of their vocabulary. I often opt out if reading books if a child is the main narrator no matter how much I like the author because I feel like nailing the child’s language never comes out right.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Especially if they’re written as precocious or geniuses. Just having a large vocabulary or being able to solve complicated math problems does not bestow wisdom of the ages.

    3. heckofabecca*

      I mean, I’d personally argue that calling the Gulf of Mexico “the ocean” is also factually incorrect. But that’d only be relevant if it was actually a thing people did in real life, which it’s not XD

      So obviously, now I want to know what Texans call it!!!

      I’m curious where the author is from…

      1. RussianInTexas*

        He is British, I believe. He made a few factual errors as well, some of which were easily remedied by looking at a map.

        1. Lexi Vipond*

          That makes sense – everyone here knows that Americans call the sea ‘the ocean’!

          1. Nightengale*

            several places I have lived refer to it mainly as “the beach.”

            When I lived in the east coast US, people would tell me they are going to “the Jersey Shore,” “the Outer Banks,” “Myrtle Beach,” “Ocean City,” “The Cape [Cod]” or maybe “Florida.”

            When I moved further inland, no one specifies. Where are you going for vacation? “The Beach.”

            I’d say it is because we are further from the beach, but they also say ‘The Mountains” rather than, I dunno,” The Pokonos,” ‘The Adirondacks” or any other specific area, the way people on the East coast usually specify. And we are really near mountains!

        2. londonedit*

          Yeah I’m guessing he knows Americans call the sea ‘the ocean’ and doesn’t realise there’s nuance to it. We don’t tend to call the sea ‘the ocean’, we call it the sea or we say we’re going to the beach or the coast.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          I’m not even from a Gulf state, and everyone I know has always called it “the Gulf”.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’m landlocked in the Midwest and we would also call it the Gulf. Mostly because I can’t think of any other gulfs off the top of my head.

      3. Emily Byrd Starr*

        By that logic, it would also be incorrect to call Massachusetts Bay and Cape Cod Bay “the ocean,” but everyone in Massachusetts does.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Yes, it’s more the question of the local vernacular vs the correct official name.
          Like the media is trying to make the HTX happened to mean “Houston” whole it’s been HOU always and forever, and it’s not sticking.

    4. Maryn*

      I’ll set down a book that has children acting like it’s still 1955, or like miniature adults. You can tell when an author is never around present day children who are being themselves.

      Fridging and other violence toward female characters used solely as a plot device. If it would have worked if she’d been robbed or her car stolen rather than raped, I’m out.

      Major plot elements that could be easily resolved by characters talking to each other. (She sees Love Interest with a Pretty Girl, and instead of asking who she is and learning she’s a cousin, she leaps to the assumption he’s cheating and starts acting all weird.)

      Billionaires who fall for a woman based entirely on her looks. Like no attractive women ever deliberately place themselves in the presence of wealthy men? Hell, billionaires in general.

      Main characters who have no lives outside the plot–they’re free to leave home and jobs to do whatever the plot demands, with zero repercussions–all without taking a suitcase.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        That third one is called The Idiot Plot by Roger Ebert: that is, a movie that would not exist in real life because it relies on the main characters being idiots.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      “Y’all” is usually a plural. Subbing it for the singular “you” at random through a conversation doesn’t make it sound like it’s happening in the South, but rather like the one thing the author knows about the South is that they say “y’all.”

      I’m usually terrible at accents, but even I noticed the O’Mafia in Heroes. (More than once I have seen an internet discussion that went “Actor has a terrible X accent!” “Actually, actor is from X, and that accent is a normal regional one.” “Oh. Well, they are not using the Official X Accent of Stage and Screen. They should have learned the one I expect.”)

      A zillion post-apocalyptic shows where it is quite easy to obtain gasoline, even years into the apocalypse. Also wildly elastic geography, which might take days to get even a few miles until you need to hop across the country and then bam, 12 hours or so of driving (with that eternal magical gas supply, completely clear roads, and nary an evil survivalist to be found) and they’re there. (Specifically calling out Sweet Tooth for this.)

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        Yes! Y’all is always a plural. Or people who think they’ve cracked the code and like to throw in “all y’all.” That’s not really a thing people say; I might say it every now and then if, for some reason, I want to clarify that I’m talking to every single person in the group.

    6. iglwif*

      When allegedly Canadian people talk use “freshman / sophomore / etc” language, or use parody-Canadian pronunciations like “aboot” in non-parody contexts. Or of course when the one thing the writer knows about Canada is that we play hockey here, so everyone talks about hockey all the time and nobody talks about baseball, basketball, football, or soccer, all of which we also play, watch, and talk about.

      When people who know each other constantly use each other’s names in conversation, because I have never heard anyone do that IRL unless they are trying to sell something. It just feels unnatural!

      When there are children in a book or show/movie, and they’re around the same age and they all have the exact same level of language fluency, because that’s not how child development actually works.

      When people are supposed to be bilingual, or multilingual, or learning a new language, and this is indicated by them using their L1 for words like “yes” and “no” and “please” and “thank you”, because those are EASY words that are among those a language learner learns FIRST; a real L2+ learner is much more likely to revert to their L1 for unusual words or words they don’t have to use very often. Also, IRL code-switching is much more chaotic than is usually portrayed in books or onscreen.

      1. WellRed*

        Your second paragraph. Tried starting a tv series last night and all I noticed in the first five minutes was how many times the pathologist used the detectives name. “ it’s right over there r, Daniel” “Daniel I haven’t received the tox reports yet.”

        1. RussianInTexas*

          The prequel to The Hunger Games was even worse that that. People constantly used first and last name whole talking to each other

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Lord, who EVER uses anyone’s first and last name in conversation.

    7. FACS*

      I’m a Texan and went to school there. We call it the Gulf. And the renaming thing is.ridiculous.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        So you would get a kick out of this situation from the same book.
        The main character walked a mile in the still upcoming (meaning moving) 4ft deep storm surge without too much damage to herself.
        No. She very much did not.

        1. Mumwa*

          I grew up a stone’s throw from Surfside Beach. It’s always been “the Gulf”.

          And walking a mile through storm surge? What on earth?! Now I want to know what book this is, because yikes.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            The Running Girls by Matt Brolly. I picked it up specifically because of the location, and if ended up being somewhat of a “going to finish to see how many errors are here” read.

    8. Middle Aged Lady*

      Superficial/cliched description of a character when the author introduces them. As in, “his devastatingly handsome smile,” “her honey hair cascading over her shoulders.” I seldom read anything but literary fiction, but when I want to enjoy something lighter, this really puts me off.
      Mysteries where I can pick out the red herrings too easily.
      Things others in this thread have mentioned, like characters not having an authentic voice.

      1. WellRed*

        Omg. I read a book or two, a mystery featuring a geologist or some sort of professional woman, told from here point of view. “I hopped down from the lab bench, auburn braids flying behind me.” Or “ I climbed out if the pool, dark locks streaming.” Yeah, no. Even those of us with constant internal chatter don’t paint ourselves like romantic heroines.

        1. The OG Sleepless*

          Kinsey Milhone, in the Sue Grafton books, never described her physical appearance at all. I think I was several books in before she even mentioned she had dark hair. I thought that was kind of cool.

          1. allathian*

            It was, and it shocked me because I’d already imgined her as a blonde with a fluffy 80s pixie cut and nothing would dislodge that idea from my brain.

            That’s one reason why I prefer multiple-POV books.

    9. Roland*

      The husband in “Where’d You Go, Bernadette” calling DC “Washington”. No one in Washington calls DC “Washington”. Iirc they were transplants but had lived there for over a decade. I remember all the reviews being like “wow it’s so evocative of Seattle!!!” but I begged to differ lol.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Hmm…another Seattle one is the original series of Fraiser when they filmed “in Seattle.” They did do so, but the characters basically would have needed a teleporter to get around to the various spots they went to, and ended up meeting the mayor in a small urban park that in real life was a very well known drug hotspot.

      1. londonedit*

        That always happens with films/TV set in London. I was going to say American films but Bridget Jones is fairly bad for it too – I’m not convinced she’d actually bother walking from wherever her central London office is (does she go past Piccadilly Circus at one point?) to Borough Market twice a day. And she goes over an illogical bridge while she’s doing it.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        And the view out of his window was from like halfway up the Space Needle, not from his actual purported location.

    11. Irish Teacher.*

      I think I mentioned this last week, but the Murder in an Irish Village series tends to use the correct Irish terms but…well, sort of overuses them or uses them in context where they’re…not incorrect but not what we would say, to the point that it feels like the author is sort of doing a “look! Look at my research! I know what Irish people call x.”

      Like we use the term “mineral” for soft drink and they kind of use that in contexts like “I’m just going to go get a mineral to drink” or “they found a mineral can on the ground,” neither of which is exactly wrong but…it feels awkward. In the first case, the person would probably say “I’m going to get a coke” or “a Fanta” or “a 7Up” or whatever it is. The term “mineral” is more used in contexts like “oh, I don’t drink,” “well, would you like a mineral?” or “the mineral aisle in the supermarket.”

      OH! On the same topic but something loads of authors do when writing Irish characters: the misuse of the word “sure.” I guess this is a factual error but it seems like a lot of authors just randomly stick it at the start of various sentences when it does have a meaning. It generally implies something is no big deal, like “sure you might as well buy it. It’s only €5” or “sure, it will be all right.” When an author has a character say something like “sure and isn’t he dead?” yeah, that sort of makes it clear the writer isn’t Irish.

      And calling the Irish language “Gaelic.”

      1. Clara Bowe*

        Basically anything set in Chicago that isn’t written by someone who has at least visited. WE CAN TELL. The entire Harry Dresden series made me want to throw a hammer. I know it was originally set in St Louis and written prior to Google Maps existing, but MAPS existed!!! And even in 1996, the traffic was so horrible it took at least an hour to get everywhere!!

        But what really (usually) throws me out of stuff is emotional vulnerability. I am often too Lutheran or too asexual for that.

    12. The OG Sleepless*

      I’ve read/seen a few things that were set in the South, or Atlanta particularly, where people referred to the “freeway” or a specific highway as “the 285.” We call it the interstate and we don’t say “the” before the highway number.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Mostly the same here in Texas. No “the”, and interstates/freeways are called just I-35, I-20, I-10, etc.

      2. Dita*

        This also drives me crazy as a New Englander! Unless the road is better known as a turnpike or something, we tend to just say the number, no “the” or “I” before it, and characters getting it wrong stands out so much to me.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I think that’s a west coast thing? It was very common in PNW at least, while I was there, as I recall.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          It’s a California thing because all the freeways originally had names and weren’t referred to by number until much later, so the “the” stuck around even after it became more common to refer to them by number.
          It’s a tell for a Californian writer.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            That’s so interesting because here, in Houston, freeways also have names. But no “the”, it’s a telltale sign of someone not from here.

            1. fhqwhgads*

              My understanding is it’s not that nowhere else has freeways with names, but that SoCals freeways had names before they had numbers (or possibly before the numbers were commonly known? I forget). So yeah, it’s a unique thing that the “the” stuck there, not because nowhere else have names and numbers, but because elsewhere the number was always the more common reference. Or something like that.

          2. Rara Avis*

            Only southern CA. We don’t drive “the 101” up here in the Bay Area. Or so I’ve been informed — I’m still a transplant after 26 years.

            1. JR17*

              Northern California native. We definitely don’t use the “the” before highway names. We drive 80, 101, etc.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I remembered that one – but I couldn’t remember if it was “the 520” or “the 90”, it’s been too long :) I know it was “the (520/90) bridge” but that’s less distinctive when you have bridges of that size such that there is A Distinct Bridge to be THE bridge.

      4. Middle Aged Lady*

        My experience living most of my life in the South was that older people said the freeway, but everyone else said the interstate. Now that I am older myself, most of the ‘freeway’ people are gone. My mother even said ‘expressway.’ She was from Mississippi.

      5. Hyaline*

        This! Drives me nuts—I’m pretty sure this is solely a southern CA thing but TV shows and movies (written and filmed by SoCAers) have everyone doing it! It’s not “*the* 94” (it *might* be “*the* Bishop Ford” but honestly probably not).

    13. Weekend Warrior*

      Books set in other cultures that don’t understand the nuances of naming conventions, at the extreme like calling American characters Nigel or Clive or British characters Dwayne or Kyle. Or not understanding that an innocuous name in Canada or the US like “Kevin” has a very different cultural weight in the UK or France.

      Case in point The Truth About the Harry Quebert Affair by Joel Dicker. Hugely popular in Europe and was made into a movie or TV series in the US. Dicker apparently spent childhood summers in New England but his characters’ names and turns of phrase just didn’t ring true to me, starting with “Harry Quebert”!

      I’m sure many French people shudder at the numerous mysteries written by Anglo writers and set in France.

    14. Percy Weasley*

      I struggled with a 3rd book in a Scandinavian detective series. After getting to know the regular characters by their first names in books 1 & 2, suddenly in book 3 they were all being referred to by their last names! I was constantly having to think about which character is this again?

    15. I don’t post often*

      This is a strange one, but I’m bothered by plots that have the electricity going out in rural areas, referring to a well for water, AND then stating the people could still have water because they were on a well.
      Electricity is needed to run the well pump. If you have a well, and do not have electricity, you do not have water.

      1. HBJ*

        Eh, you’ll have water for awhile from the holding tank. Could last days, potentially, depending on how careful you are.

        1. I don’t post often*

          Holding tank? No. I’m from the rural mid Atlantic. We didn’t have that. We had one toilet flush. That was it. It is still this way.

  32. Kitty kitty meow meow*

    When do you know you are ready for another cat, after your beloved cat pass away and you have no cats in your life anymore? Should I just wait for the cat distribution system?

    1. Cruciatus*

      I think if you’re thinking about it, you might be ready. It’s not for everyone, and that’s OK, but I really enjoy the fresh energy of a new (not always young) pet. I don’t forget my old kitty, but the new one gives me something to look forward to and joy around the house again.

      If you don’t want to go look look for a pet (like at a cat shelter), if you’re just open to the cat distribution system then I think you’ll find the next cat who needs a good human any day now.

    2. Charly*

      I don’t think there’s a rule. I put in an adoption application for my current little guy about two weeks after his predecessor died (she was very old and we definitely had time to process that she was getting towards the end of her life, which helped.) I felt a little awkward that I felt ready so quickly, but I’ve had the World’s Best Cat for almost three years now and I’m so glad I didn’t make myself wait. My old cat is still my phone lock screen and I think of her fondly when I see it.

    3. Sloanicota*

      To me, when my beloved senior kitty died, I knew I wasn’t ready because thinking of getting a new cat gave me an automatic “no cat could be as good as (last cat)” response. I couldn’t imagine seeing another cat sitting in her favorite spot or playing with her toys or eating out of her bowl. So I just waited it out for four to six months. Then, when I kitten came into my life (I foster) I knew it was the right time because she is a really different Type of Cat than my last girl, and didn’t twig me in that way – she’s silly, bouncy, small, playful, while my last girl was sweet, gentle, quiet, refined. Ironically, a full year later I adopted a friend cat who reminds me so much of my last girl, but instead of making me sad now it makes me happy. Be gentle with yourself.

    4. Emily Byrd Starr*

      After our beloved cat died a few months ago, my husband and I waited about a month before we decided we were ready to adopt another cat. Not to replace Duke, of course, but to keep his memory alive by giving a loving home to another cat who needed one. We both have completely fallen in love with our new cat, Bert, and he loves us as well. We still miss Duke and sometimes I even cry when I think about him, but then I go to cuddle and pet Bert and realize that because Duke passed when he did, Bert was able to find a loving forever home with us.

    5. FosterFail*

      After my kitty died, I fostered cats for a charity for well over a year (1 or 2 cats at a time) until I found my cat. That way, I kept many cats out of the shelter system and in a safe, calm environment until they met their future adopters, and when the right match came along, I knew that: a) she was going to be happy living with me and was already bonded to me and b) she was a good fit for me.

    6. Zephy*

      There’s no universal standard. I used to work at an animal shelter, and adopters ran the gamut from “my last pet died during the Reagan administration” to “we stopped here on the way home from picking up Fluffy’s ashes at the vet.” Some people need a long time to grieve, others cannot abide a home without a pet in it.

      Leaving it up to the cat distribution system is 100% a valid choice. If you have the capacity, consider getting involved with your local animal shelter – they’re about to be overrun with kittens. Every intact female cat in your county is either currently pregnant or REALLY wants to be, and if there’s one thing queens are good at, it’s that.

    7. Double A*

      When my kitty passed away in September, I was immediately ready to accept any cat the universe sent my way but held off on actually looking. First I thought it would be nice to not have kittens and a Christmas tree, then we had some various travel coming up, but now that’s done we are Ready. Unfortunately kittens seem scant on the ground and the universe has not obliged. I think starting next week, we’ll start visiting places that might have kittens (I know it’s great to adopt adults, but I have small kids and have found kittens are the best bet for integration).

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        I don’t know where you live, but in North America and Europe this is the quiet time of year for kittens and rescuers are so thankful for the break.

        Cats get pregnant in Feb to April, give birth April to June, and those kittens show up as adoptable May onward. There are occasional litters before then, but if you can’t find any now then it’s a positive for local rescues and you’ll have so much choice in 2-3 months.

    9. LemonDrops*

      I think many people expect some sort of aha or Thunderclap moment. I don’t think that’s usually the case though.

      I’ve never been really ready for any of my cats. After my ex-husband stole my cats, I grieved for months. One day I just found myself looking at pictures of adoptable cats online. No pressure or expectation, just curiosity.
      Eventually I made my way to the shelter. I said hello to all the cats in the shelter and spent some time in the senior cat room. I went back a week later and spent some more time in the senior cat room.
      Eventually I realize I was interested, and they gave me an application to fill out. I said I would fill it out at home and return it, but I realized when I got to the car that I probably wouldn’t do it. So I filled it out then and there, and 3 weeks later I adopted my hospice senior cat. Best. Decision. Ever. We had almost 7 months together.

      While grieving him, some of the cats in the outdoor colony I was caring for decided they liked me, and maybe other humans too. I kept one of them. I wasn’t ready to bring him in, but he decided it. He’s my bud now and adores me still.

      Everyone grieves differently, and there is no “right” way or “right” timeframe or “right” behavior for it. Anyone who tells you on it otherwise is uncomfortable with your grief and that is their problem.

      Just let yourself be without judgment and see what happens.

    10. miel*

      We fostered cats for a while after our beloved cat died. Eventually we ended up adopting our favorite <3

      You might also mention to friends/ neighbors that you're in the market for a cat, or stop by the city pound, the humane society, or a rescue's adoption event.

      I hope you find a wonderful companion.

    11. Lizard*

      For me, I noticed a shift from “I want my specific cat back” to a more general “I want a cat”. When I was missing the way that she used to sleep with me or beg for goat cheese, I knew that I couldn’t guarantee that a new cat would do the same thing. (The new cat does sleep with me, but it took many months for that to happen). (She does not beg for goat cheese).

      My other consideration was that putting down my cat was the right decision, but it was a really hard decision. And it happened at a really hard time in my life – a month after my dad had died. I knew I probably wanted to adopt an older cat, who might come with their own health problems, and so I waited until I felt like I was in a position to make and handle another difficult decision if necessary.

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      We got our new kitty about two weeks before Best Old Kitty passed away. We didn’t realize BOK would pass away so soon, but it all worked out really well. I really hate having a kittyless house. It’s just so empty. So even though I’m still sad about BOK, it’s great to have BNK in the house.
      We found Best New Kitty on PetFinder through a local rescue org.

  33. Cruciatus*

    I hope this is OK to ask about, as so many of you are very knowledgeable about money matters and I’m looking for things to consider next regarding an IRA from my uncle that I inherited years ago after he died. I did not realize until this year that I will have to move these funds into something else soon (I have been taking the required minimum distributions out). What are my best options to consider transferring this money into? I’m in the US and it’s currently in a Fidelity Inherited IRA account. What things should I be considering as I decide what to do next?

    1. Lizabeth*

      Talk to your financial advisor – they are the best ones to know what all your options are.

      1. Girasol*

        That’s good advice if you have a paid financial advisor. If you don’t, check with your CPA if you use a CPA for your taxes. If you don’t have either, Fidelity offers a certain amount of free advice. Any free advice should be taken with a grain of salt, of course, but I’ve found Fidelity advisors to be honest, straightforward, and very skilled. Be sure you get set up for Fidelity online access. They have great tools for managing your own accounts.

    2. Generic Name*

      I think there are two general approaches to answering this question. One is to do a ton of independent research and reading on personal finance and investing and then making the choice based on your extensive research. Or paying an expert (a financial advisor) to do that stuff for you. Yes, doing it yourself is “cheaper” but sometimes the easiest way to pay for something is with money. As a former consultant, I also see value in hiring an expert to do something you don’t have expertise in.

    3. Undine Spragg*

      There are two pieces to this. One is the tax piece — when should you withdraw the money (should you take more than the RMD and start spreading it across the years you have left? for example). Make sure you are required to withdraw (depends on date of death, rules changed about 5 years ago). The person most knowledgeable about that would be a tax accountant although a financial advisor might be able to give some ballpark information. Or the internet. I’ve found it hard to connect with an accountant right now and this question is probably pretty small to them.

      The second piece is how to invest the money once you have withdrawn it. That’s straight up investment advice and financial advisor territory. Fidelity has free financial advisors who might at least have some suggestions, although I find most big institutions like to start with “let’s get all your money in one place.” But it’s a good kick for you to start looking at your whole financial picture and your overall investments, not just this one account.

    4. ronda*

      Why do you have to move it?

      my inherited IRA is staying where it is and just taking the RMD out each year (inherited before they law changed that you had to take all the $ out by year 10 after inheriting) and moving them to my brokerage account at that firm.

      Fidelity should be able to tell you what the rules are for inherited IRAs based on the date you inherited. And if you are in the same situation as me and dont have to take out all the $ by year 10, they calculate how much you are required to take out each year (you can always choose to take out more if you like).

      If it was a traditional IRA the amounts that you take out are taxable income for the year, so you might want to manage how much you take out each year to minimize taxes. you can mock up different scenarios in tax software to see the impact of taking out different amount of money (won’t be exact but will give you a good idea, since some things like the standard deduction change each year). And you can have them withhold taxes when you get your distribution, so you have to pay a big tax bill when you do your taxes.

      If you are happy with fidelity, you can just move the $ into a brokerage account at fidelity and invest in whatever fund you like. most popular funds seem to be US total stock market or S&P 500 funds if you want to invest in stocks. Money Market funds if you want the money in cash to be available to spend right away. Or in a Bond fund if you prefer that (Stock funds have been performing much better than Bond funds for the past few decades, but there is some turmoil in the stock market at the current time). But if you have a brokerage account you can invest in whatever you like, Fidelity funds, Vanguard funds, individual stocks, etc. And fidelity is not the only brokerage, but fidelity and vanguard are 2 companies that are generally low cost brokerages.

      bogleheads. dot org has a good wiki with lots of investing concepts explained and some recommendations. I also find investopedia has good articles that explain investing topics well.

      If you dont have a financial advisor you can usually get a free consultation with them where they will give you a plan and try to sign you on as a client. I went to a couple when I was thinking about it, but you dont have to hire them if you would rather manage the investments yourself. (this will save you some money as they will charge you for managing your investments). They also might covered other topics to consider like wills, insurance, etc.

    5. WestsideStory*

      Ask your tax person, if you have one. If you don’t, consider finding a financial advisor (you can interview a few to find one you are comfortable with).
      One of the options to consider is whether you might want to transfer the money into a Roth IRA rather than a regular IRA – I’m not an expert but our tax guy and our investment guy both recommended Roth for us, based on tax considerations.

  34. Phoebe*

    Question for people who use Defunkify laundry detergent.

    I started using it on my polyester-cotton blend clothes based on an AAM poster’s suggestion a few weeks ago (thank you mreasy and all the other people who replied to my thread!). It works WONDERFULLY. I can wear my polyester-cotton shirts now and they don’t get smelly even if I sweat.

    I randomly came across a Reddit post saying laundry detergents that use a cellulase enzyme slowly degrade cotton over time though. Defunkify contains cellulase. Has anyone who uses Defunkify long-term had any issues with using it on clothes that contain cotton?

    I tried to google it, and it seems as though cellulase used to be a problem in laundry detergents a few decades ago. Defunkify says it’s “safe on all fabrics” so I would assume there’s been advances in using cellulase, but I’m paranoid.

    1. Chaordic One*

      In my experience clothes washed in Defunkify do seem to “age” and wear somewhat faster than those washed in conventional detergent. (But maybe this is just my imagination.) That said, it is not dramatic and not immediately noticeable, but it might mean that something that I would usually wear for 4 or 5 years would instead only last for 3 or 4 years. (This is with comparatively low-priced cotton and cotton/synthetic blend clothes, things that are not particularly expensive and comparatively cheap and easy to replace.)

      Defunkify works very well to remove odors and is certainly worth using for that problem. It is a hassle keeping track of using a particular detergent for particular clothes. Sometimes if I don’t have enough cotton clothing to do a separate load for them, or if I run out of regular detergent, I just say the heck with it and throw the cotton clothes in with the Defunkify load.

    2. WS*

      This is true, but bodily stains also degrade fabrics over time, as does washing itself. The cellulase effect is minimal – I wouldn’t wash bath towels with it, as it does seem to affect the quality of the cotton twisting/pile, but I have noticed no real effect on other fabric. And I wear almost entirely cotton.

  35. California Dreamin’*

    Anyone else have kids in the midst of the college admissions process right now? I have two kids going to college next year, and this application cycle has been Bonkers! I have an older child, and when they went to college some years ago, admissions were nowhere near this selective and unpredictable. My kids are actually coping well, but I’m feeling a lot of stress and turmoil! Both kids have several acceptances so far that will work out great if this is it, but we’re waiting on some biggies, and it’s definitely possible there will be no more yeses for either of them. Yesterday we had a Big Disappointment for one kid that was the expected result from a school with a single digit acceptance rate but still sad. We are waiting on eight more decisions total, and I’m so ready to move on to the planning stage!

    1. Sloanicota*

      I feel awful for the turmoil of the current generation of young people. It’s been upsetting for *me* and I’m relatively secure and comfortable. I can’t imagine missing important milestones due to covid shutdowns and then also having things be upended now by the upheaval in loan repayments and university finances :(

    2. Generic Name*

      It is very nerve wracking! In a lot of ways, it was very fortunate that my son’s criteria for where he wanted to go (in-state, has what he wanted to major in) meant there was one school for him to apply to, and they do admissions on a rolling basis. So he applied to his choice and got an acceptance about a month later. Now we are getting bombarded with invites to planning sessions, etc. The whole process is radically different from what I went through in the late 90s.

      Don’t forget to tell your kids how proud you are, regardless of where they get accepted! I know that my son is also starting to feel the weight of adulthood pressing down on him.

    3. Rara Avis*

      My kid is a junior, so we’re just starting. In their college counseling class, the counselors showed a case study of a student from the school (anonymized) with 4.47 GPA and 1500+ SATs who only got into 3 of the 19 schools they applied to last year or the year before. I think they’re trying very hard to help the kids understand how competitive it is, and not to put all their eggs in one basket.

      But it’s also important to remember that it’s not so much where they go as what advantage they take of the opportunity! Your kids have good choices — be sure to celebrate that!

      1. California Dreamin’*

        Yes, at this point it’s kind of a inescapable cycle… the kids understand how competitive it is, so they apply to a large number of schools to hedge their bets, so schools get more and more competitive with the increasing numbers of applicants. When I went to college many moons ago, I applied to two colleges and got into both. Ten years ago my oldest child applied to I think seven and got into all but one. This year one of my kids applied to 14 and that’s very normal. She has friends that applied to 20+. So far she’s accepted at four, and that well may be it for her. But that’s fine! Three of the four would be great fits for her, if maybe not the dream. Other kid is 6 for 7 so far, waiting on two more, but feels content with their options. We are so, so proud of both of them and all they’ve achieved academically and personally in their teen years.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Yes, we had a similar disappointment yesterday from the top choice moonshot school, but I think the kid is more sanguine about it than I am because she did the math and set her expectations accordingly.

      We got acceptances a while ago from the absolute last choice safety school, and last week from one of the midrange choices, both with good merit scholarships, so she knows that at a minimum she will be able to go out of state, which is her top priority.

      So she seems pretty comfortable but I’m still rather keyed up. I want her to get a school she’s excited about rather than one that’s just “fine.”

      1. California Dreamin’*

        There were a couple of those moonshot schools that came out yesterday, so perhaps it was the same one!
        I’m right there with you… my other kid has acceptances but none yet that are super exciting. One of them is at a big east coast school that I actually think would be a great fit and check all the boxes for her, but it’s one of only a couple schools that we haven’t visited yet. We’re going in a few weeks for an admitted students day, and I’m hoping she loves it. I also want her to be excited, not fine!

    5. Sitting Pretty*

      Dude, I was just looking at some of the decisions that came out today and was hoping someone else in AAM world would be here to empathize! It’s bananapants.

      We were shocked when our kid didn’t get into his in-state “safety” school. We all assumed he’d end up there. Now he’s been accepted at a few highly selective private colleges?!? Even though they’ve given him good scholarships and other financial aid, they’re still staggeringly expensive. I actually feel a little sick looking at the numbers. We’ve been saving since he was born but there’s just no friggin way.

      Anyway, solidarity, fellow parent. Let’s just keep reminding ourselves that they’ll end up somewhere and are very likely to have a good four years no matter where it is.

      1. Cheap ass rolling with it*

        A young relative got into a top-5 school (yay!) but rejected from a safety school. On reflection, I wasn’t too surprised. I bet the school looked at her profile and predicted she’d probably reject them, so why bother offering an acceptance. (Based on previous applicants, they can analyze the data and estimate how likely someone will accept).

        All schools want to keep their acceptance rate low so they can keep their ranking, so why accept someone unlikely to come. So unfortunately, safety schools are no longer “safe”, and all we can do is cross our fingers that one of the schools that’s appropriate will accept. It becomes a game of chance where acceptance is not guaranteed, which makes it even scarier. (Hence applying to more schools, more rejections, creating a vicious cycle).

  36. Mitchell Hundred*

    At work this week I listened to that recent video where one American lefty was encircled by twenty Trump supporters and had to debate them one on one. And what occurred to me was that I wanted them to apply that same format to a pointless question, like one of those “Who Says F**k” charts or the question of whether there is such a thing as sex in the Star Wars universe (there isn’t, but I’m open to dialogue).

    Anyway, my question is: what pointless subject would you give that same treatment?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I really enjoy all the is a hot dog a sandwich, how would a giraffe wear a tie, what color is math type of questions. People usually have VERY strong opinions.

      The other day one of my students discovered The Dress (white/gold or blue/black) which is horrifyingly from TEN YEARS AGO so I projected the image for the whole class and we debated it lol. Most of them saw the correct color and were shocked that I couldn’t.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        I love that its Wikipedia entry is just ‘The dress’. (Not to reopen that debate, but I can only see white/gold and have only ever been able to.)

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          I was able to briefly see blue and black when I projected it, I think something to do with the lighting and angle compared to a normal screen? I can understand how it COULD look that way and that the gold/white is an illusion but my brain can’t change what it perceives!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember The Oatmeal doing a cartoon that showed a psychedelic praying mantis holding up The Dress and captioned “IT’S ASSHOLE COLORED, LIKE YOUR ASSHOLE FACE” and that still makes me laugh and laugh.

      3. allathian*

        Me too. The only exception is the photo where the model stands partly in the shade, that part looks black and blue to me.

        This is one of those things I love to ask about, because there’s no right or wrong answer. The dress may be black and blue in reality, but it’s pointless to argue about sensory perceptions.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Wait, if there’s no sex in the Star Wars universe, where did Padme’s babies come from? She certainly seemed to be under the impression that they came from Anakin in the ordinary way.

      And what was Bix doing at Timm’s all night without her clothes on?

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        Put it like this: technically speaking, there is nothing to contradict the premise that the twins were conceived in the usual way. However, I have watched those movies more times than I care to admit, and I cannot think of a single scene where they act like two people who are having sex with each other. At most I’ve seen them act like two people who are in love with each other and who also don’t know what sex is.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          It’s funny, but the animated Clone Wars have a much more realistic Padme and Anakin’s relationship. And Anakin is a person in it that you may imagine a Senator Amidala might actually fall for, not a whiney teenager.

        2. RagingADHD*

          I mean, you’re not wrong about the lack of chemistry but that whole relationship is just creepy and toxic from the get go.

          But there’s no getting away from the fact that an awful lot of sexually dimorphic species exist in that universe, and they have to be perpetuating themselves somehow. We’ve even seen Chewy’s wife and kid – and she had way more chemistry with Chewy than Anakin and Padme did.

          Also, I do not, can not believe that Han goes to bed alone with a good book.

          1. Mitchell Hundred*

            Han definitely acts like someone who knows what sex is, but he is also canonically established as a person who acts like he knows a lot about things that he in fact knows very little about.

            1. RagingADHD*

              I guess it just seems odd that you’ve constructed a theory that ignores the vast majority of characters and are applying it to a very large canon, entirely based on one relationship that only exists in 2/12 movies.

          2. allathian*

            Well, he did marry, or at least shack up with Leia and they had a son, I assume in the usual way.

        3. ecnaseener*

          I can appreciate a creative explanation for the stiltedness of their scenes. It’s not because the prequels have wooden dialogue, it’s because the universe of Star Wars is devoid of sex!

          But then how is everyone conceived? It can’t be totally asexual reproduction, or Shmi wouldn’t have called it inexplicable that there was no father. Fertilization via kissing, like some little kids assume?

          1. Mitchell Hundred*

            I have no idea how reproduction works in that universe. All I know is that Wars is a dialectical counterpart to Trek in many ways, and the level of horniness in each universe is just one.

            Incidentally, this kind of “resolve plot holes using the universe’s pre-existing internal logic” deal is called a “No-Prize explanation” by fans of superhero comics.

            1. Christmas Carol*

              Not to derail the debate by bringing up a totally different universe, but did you ever notice that in StarTrek no mater what race of aliens the Enterprise encountered, they all had females with parts that lined up with those found on James T Kirk.

        4. goddessoftransitory*

          They act like they were written by VC Andrews channeling Jane Austen. I couldn’t believe these two could believably order lunch, let alone start an affair whose echoes and ripples would re-shape a galaxy.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I heard a rant from (I think) Harrison Ford about how terrible George Lucas was at writing romantic dialogue, and it was hilarious. (And quite on the nose too.)

  37. Emily Byrd Starr*

    I suffer from severe clinical anxiety, and one of my triggers is people (other than family and friends) being in my personal space. I’m currently in a community theater production where I have to do a dance with a partner, which requires me to be closer to him than I am comfortable with. Now, I understand that my dance partner is not a threat and that I am safe with him, but I also know that mental illness isn’t logical. How can I keep from feeling uncomfortable, anxious, and embarrassed when I have to dance with him? I am meeting with my therapist in a few days, and I plan to discuss the issue then, but I was wondering if anyone had any additional ideas or suggestions.

    1. WellRed*

      I don’t suppose it does any good to remind yourself he’s not dancing with you. His character is dancing with your character.

      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        Yes, I tried that approach as well, but like I said, mental illness isn’t logical. I’m playing a character, but it’s still my body and my brain, and it’s not easy (maybe not even possible?) to change the way my brain works like that.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          How does desensitizing/repetition work for you? Would rehearsing the steps in street clothes with him at least a few times do any good? Make it as unlike the actual scene as possible–converse about the steps, the timing, etc., preferably with the director or choreographer there as much as possible.

      2. Emily Byrd Starr*

        I’ve tried that approach, but it didn’t work. Even though I’m playing a character, it’s still my brain and my body, and I can’t change the way my brain and my body work.

        1. I didn't say banana*

          As a therapist, I’d like to point out that you absolutely can change the way your body and brain work (otherwise, why bother seeing your therapist?)
          It’s not easy or quick, but it’s possible and necessary.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      Could you try wearing something in your costume that would remind you of a barrier between the two of you? Like gloves, or an extra layer around your chest or something.

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      Can you talk to your partner and the director or choreographer about this and have things re-staged a bit? As a theatre professional, I would never ask someone to do something that they are sensitive about. This is why we hire intimacy coordinators these days- it’s all about creating the illusion within the boundaries of everyone’s comfort. I don’t think this is something you should have to solve yourself; I really beleive it’s a collaborative art. I’ve worked on shows where a performer was deeply uncomfortable with what was going on, and it’s just not worth it to shoehorn people into a certain vision like that.

    4. Qwerty*

      Have you talked to the dance partner about this? Could you start spending a bit more time a bit closer together to sort of get used to him? Like sitting next to each other, practice holding hands while reading lines, etc. Probably best if you are initiating that closeness so your brain perceives it as you still being “in control” of the situation.

      When I was taking social dance classes like Salsa and Swing, we had what we called the “safety hold” when first learning to dance and having to rotate through strangers as partners. Basically we held both hands and “left room for Jesus” when doing beginner lessons. Once everyone got comfortable, then we’d graduate to the more traditional ballroom dance form (where the guy has his hand on the woman’s waist and you stand very close)

      Would anyone that you are comfortable with be able/willing to help you practice dancing? The more you get comfortable doing this with someone you already trust, the more comfortable you might feel when starting to learn with this partner.

    5. RagingADHD*

      What would it take for you to consider him a friend?

      Conversely, as a former actor, is there any room for you to channel that feeling of embarrassment / hyperalertness into the character’s experience? Can you sort of offload those feelings onto her?

      Having a character appear to be very sensitive / aware / flustered by the proximity of their dance partner is usually a good thing that adds depth and realism to a scene. Not that you should be personally unhappy, but perhaps “giving” those feelings to the character might help you to separate from them?

  38. Marie*

    I just moved into a townhouse and the previous owners left a raised garden bed. I’m still not sure if I want to keep it or not. (I don’t exactly have a green thumb.) If I wanted to get rid of it, I’d probably have to empty the soil out first. Is there a simple way of removing the soil- is there a plug or something to empty it? I looked and couldn’t find anything, so I assume I’d have to just remove it with some kind of garden tool. Any advice is appreciated.

    1. WellRed*

      You shovel it out. I’d put a notice on your local buy nothing or next door community to see if anyone wants to come take it away for free. Spring is coming and thoughts of gardening are alive and well.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I’d leave the soil in the raised garden bed, at least for the time being. There’s a chance that if someone wants the bed, they might also want the soil. If they don’t want the soil, they might remove it for you. OTOH, if no one wants it, then use a small shovel or garden spade to remove the soil before you toss it in the dumpster.

    2. Sungold*

      It’s unlikely that there’s a plug, though there are so many different designs for raised beds I can’t be 100% certain.

      Usually, the soil in raised beds is improved vs regular soil, and it might be desirable in its own right. Sometimes it’s an expensive light fluffy mix bought from a store. At a minimum, it has compost mixed in. If the raised bed is in decent shape, you could offer it free or for a low price to any gardener also willing to haul the soil. You’d probably get some interest. Any master gardener that you know, Freecycle, Buy Nothing Groups, Nextdoor, Facebook, a local list serv etc. are some of the ways to get the word out. This is the perfect time of year to do it, as we gardeners are itching to get started on our plans for spring.

    3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      You say you’re not sure, so why not give it a try for this growing season? Even if you don’t have a green thumb, what about throwing in some seeds for whatever kind of salad greens you like? Much cheaper than paying for the fun stuff like arugula, baby kale, etc. Water once in a while and you have free-ish salad.

      I don’t even thin mine although the seed packets will tell you to. I put in rows of seeds, start cutting the leaves as soon as they’re big enough to be worth eating, and every so often put in another row of seeds between two existing rows. so when the first plants finally give up I have more coming along. I eat salad all spring, summer and fall doing this, and I just discovered I have some arugula that must have come up over the winter. (I live in a relatively mild climate, the maritime side of the Pacific NW.)

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        I mix seed packets together and then just throw them on – the ‘scatter and pray’ method. It’s good for small greens, lettuce, herbs like coriander/cilantro, marigolds, that sort of thing. Then you just scatter a bit more soil over, keep it moist but not soggy, and things will start coming up in a couple of weeks.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      The soil will generally hold its shape even if you remove the bed. If it’s a wood bed, you should be able to pull the sides down and spread the soil with a metal rake. If it’s well used, it may have old roots in it and not be easy to spread.

  39. Fiction Audiobooks*

    When it comes to books, I enjoy listening to nonfiction and reading fiction. When I read for escapism, I enjoy Emily Henry-style romcoms. Now more than ever, I want escapist, fun books I can emotionally invest in, but I don’t have the time to just sit down and read.

    I recently listened to, and finished, the audiobook of Rainbow Rowell’s Slow Dance, and I didn’t love it. I can’t decide if I just couldn’t get into the characters as written, or if it was the narrator getting in the way (I really don’t love hearing one person do all the character voices, the way she read the male love interest was a little off-putting for me).

    I want to try another audiobook of this genre to decide if fiction audiobooks just aren’t for me, or if I can get used to them and add them to my routine. Does anyone have a specific fiction audiobook they really love? I know there are audiobooks with casts, and I’d love recommendations for those, but I’m also looking for books with just one narrator to see if I can get used to this style. I’m looking for fun books, I’m not looking to be emotionally devastated right now. I’d especially like recommendations for books with a romantic component because I want to figure out if the narrators are a roadblock for me getting emotionally invested, but I’ll take any fun book suggestions. I’m giving Thursday Murder Club a try now, and the narrator isn’t hindering my experience at all. I’m assuming it’s both because she’s an award-winning actress, and there’s not (currently?) a romantic component.

    1. Saddesklunch*

      It’s been a while since I listened to these, but I remember really enjoying the narrator of Jasmine Guillory’s audiobooks – her romances are very sweet and funny and she has a bunch of them in the same universe which I always enjoy.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      2 narrators: What if it’s Us, Emergency Contact, The Sun is Also a Star. It’s always impressive when the narrators manage to have chemistry without actually interacting. These are all YA but soooo cute.

      1 narrator: The Husbands, Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches, The Hired Girl, Nothing to See Here. Great solid narration. I think I found all of these because of AAM.

      Angie Thomas’s books are excellent on audio but not as fun because they deal with things like racial justice and violence. I think they’re all narrated by Bahni Turpin and she has a beautiful voice – only audiobook reader I recognize by voice and know by name because her performances are so good (I’m pretty sure she was the girl voice in The Sun is Also a Star).

      Benjamin Stevenson’s books are really fun on audio. They’re murder mysteries but more like the Knives Out type of humor and ensemble, not super dark. Very meta about mystery novel tropes.

      (darker murder mystery, but I found it fun because it was compelling) None of This is True – Two narrators with a supporting cast. What I loved about this one is it centers on the two characters creating a podcast and parts of it are produced like a podcast so there is background music and stuff. Super cool and I honestly think the book is better in this format than it would’ve been on paper.

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      A couple romance audiobooks I’ve loved recently:
      The Flatshare by Beth O’Leary read by Carrie Hope Fletcher and Kwaku Fortune
      Thank You For Reading by Julia Whelan (she also narrates and I will listen to anything she reads)
      Ten Things That Never Happened by Alexis Hall, eead by Will Watt. It’s like your favorite British rom com in book form.
      The Monsters We Defy by Leslye Penelope read by Shayna Small. Not strictlyvromance, but a strong romance component.
      For multiple narrators, but not romance, the version of Good Omens on Audible was stunning to me.
      FWIW, I find that I tend to like genres on audio that I wouldn’t like as much when I just read the book myself. Like I loved Hunger Games and thrillers on audio, but it’s not really something I would pick up to read a hard copy of.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I’ll second Ten Things That Never Happened by Alexis Hall; narrator Will Watt has become one of my favorite narrators across the board, a delight to listen to, and the story itself is quite entertaining.

    4. Bonne chance*

      Hm, nothing that hits all those notes comes to mind, but some that could be a partial match:
      1) His Dark Materials trilogy is narrated by the author with a full cast for dialogue/characters. I really liked the audio!
      2) The audio books for Casey McQuiston (One Last Stop; Red White and Royal Blue; The Pairing) might fit the bill? I didn’t listen to The Pairing but it has two narrators to match the writing.
      3) Ann Patchett’s books aren’t light (think: family drama/trauma & complicated interpersonal dynamics), but those would be my recs! Great writing and EXCELLENT narrators (Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep).

      1. ronda*

        I dont remember who narrated it but I remember being annoyed by the narrator when I listen to his dark materials… I just googled it and it looks like there is more than one version out there.

        I do like A Civil Campaign for a good regency romance (except it is set on a different world in a sci fi series) Grover Gardner is the narrator. but people did lose their minds when he narrated the like 15th book in the Harry Dresden series and they rerecorded with the narrator that they had used for the previous books (apparently he wasn’t available when the book was coming out)

        I also enjoyed The Sharing Knife, Volume 1: Beguilement by the same author, I kind of remember 2 narrators (1 female, 1 male), but the search I am doing is only showing 1 narrator listed. romance in a fantasy setting (kind of like Indians and settlers in the Ohio valley setting– but totally different). This one has some serious stuff happening, but I really like it.

    5. Forensic13*

      The BBC did a series of great full-cast dramatizations of Agatha Christie books; I usually search for them on Overdrive. The little thumbnails will say “full-cast dramatization” and also they’re 2-3 hours versus 12z

    6. JR17*

      Maybe try a novella so you can see if you like the format with less investment of time and money? I also like Emily Henry, so I recommend Two Can Play by Ali Hazelwood, Fall Risk by Abby Jimenez, and The Exception to the Rule by Christina Lauren.

    7. Elizabeth*

      Check out Graphic Audio. They do full-cast recordings of almost every genre out there. I got into them through reading Ilona Andrews (romantasy), but I have also picked up some popular fiction and a couple Westerns from them.

  40. Qwerty*

    Recommendations for really simple instructions on gardening for newbies?

    I want to set up an herb garden on my balcony without risking poisoning my curious cat. I have one of those stackable planter things (I’ll put a link in a follow up). Every year I use up all my spoons in the research phase and never actually start the garden. Partly because I get distracted by all the options and somehow find myself reading about veggie gardens and permaculture when those aren’t options for me (I live in a small apartment).

    Anyone know of some really simple tutorials that just say plant A, B, C in pot 1 and D, E in pot 2? I’ve come across of all sorts of easy walkthroughs for in-ground veggie gardens and enjoy reading the weekly gardening thread here each summer – hoping to glean something from your experience!

    2. Zona the Great*

      Basically, plant things next to each other that pair well together in food. But my best piece of advice for starting out is buying them as babies rather than trying to grow from seed. Look for a reputable nursery in your area rather than going to a big box store as they’ll likely be supplying a Monsanto product and be “forced” with fertilizer to make it look dense and healthy.

      My herbs love banana peel water for food. Each banana peel goes into a dedicated banana jar. Cover banana peels in water and keep adding more peels. Let the water turn to syrup (it’s gross but doesn’t smell much) and feed to your plants once a month or so.

    4. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      A few thoughts/tips that might help you, even though that’s not the “really simple tutorials that just say plant A, B, C in pot 1 and D, E in pot 2”, since I can’t think of any sorry!

      – Spend a week looking at your balcony. Where is direct sunlight, where shade? How will that change with the change of the seasons. Are parts of it more sheltered from wind and rain?

      – Choose a small number of different herbs for your first try, like three. You can choose according to what you’d like to use in cooking or what you’d like to look at or smell. According to pangovet.com, herbs that are safe for cats to nibble on are rosemary, thyme, basil, cilantro/coriander, dill and sage. So maybe choose three from those.

      – Research what type of environment your chosen herbs like and how sturdy they are. Sun exposure, wind, too much/little water etc., and then try and position your planter accordingly. (As of my writing this, the link to your planter isn’t there, yet, so I’m writing somewhat blindly. Sorry if some things are not applicable due to that)

      – Plant each type in its own container(s) because different plants can have different requirements for depth and width of container or for soil. Also, some plants don’t get along well and having them in different containers saves you from finding that out on your own.

      – Buy seedlings instead of seeding them yourself and save some spoons that way. If possible, buy from a plant nursery instead of the supermarket.

      – Repot your seedlings. This will require a small amount of research beforehand to find out which container is best for your chosen herb. Look for approximate depth of roots, approximate height, approximate width. The container the seedlings come in will (soon) be too small, so choose something that gives your plants room to grow.

      – Buy good quality soil and also fertilizer. Aks for recommendations at the plant nursery that you’re getting your seedlings from (and if you’re happy with their service and they sell some, maybe get a bag from them).

      – Use containers with drainage, so excess water can run off. Aid the drainage by putting a shard of stoneware or the like over the hole that should be at the bottom of your container, so that said hole won’t get clogged by wet soil. Put a layer of pebbles on the ground of the container before adding soil, also to help with drainage.

      – When repotting, leave about a thumb wide space to the top edge of the container, so that nothing will spill over when watering later on.

      That’s all I can think of at the top of my head. Maybe some of it is helpful to you. Have fun gardening!!

    5. Silent E*

      Since you mention not wanting to poison your curious cat (a very good idea!), you may find the ASPCA’s list of plants that are (non)toxic to cats useful as you plan your garden. I’ll put a link in the reply.

    6. Shiny Penny*

      Agree with the helpfulness of buying already started plants, from an actual plant place (rather than Home Depot).
      When choosing the specific individuals, watch out for the ones that are root bound, and the ones with root rot. Sometimes the green tops still look thick and fabulous, but the plant will never flourish and might be dead in a week.
      Ways to tell: visible roots should be yellowish or whitish (at the tips at least) and look clean? Rotting roots look brown and muddy? That’s my experience, tho I’m sure different specific species might be different.
      If a ton of roots are pushing out through the bottom drain holes, that’s not a good sign.
      A lot of times you can tip a plant out of its pot to look at the roots and judge how healthy or overcrowded the roots are. But if the plant was just recently repotted then all the dirt will fall into pieces (awkward!)— so there’s some judgement involved in deciding to try this. (Like, SOME roots ARE emerging from drain holes.) You could ask an employee to do it for you, if you felt weird about it? If a plant *won’t* come out, that can be a sign that it’s too rootbound to thrive for you.

      When you go to plant your starts, it’s hard to make yourself be brutal enough in “opening up” the root ball— which must be done, or the plant will stay trapped in the shape of the initial tiny pot and never thrive. Maybe watch some you tubes on that specifically?
      Fair methods include just ripping away the whole thick mat of roots at the bottom half inch of the pot (ideally the bottom half inch or one inch of a 3 or 3.5 pot is where the roots have matted up thick, so it’s easy to tell where to amputate lol) and also cut a shallow score down the middle of each side. (I use an old pair of scissors sometimes.) You can also use a knife to cut vertical cuts upward from the bottom, about a third of the pot height, “quartering the root column” then spread those quarters to 90 degrees in the hole as you plant…
      The longer I garden the more ok I get doing these essential surgical interventions (as harsh as they seem) because I’ve witness the false kindness of being too delicate leading to the plant failing!

      Re bushes, and potted plants: I’ve actually learned that a reasonable intervention for a failing plant is to slice out a pie shaped area of its rootball (the tip of the “pie slice” close to but not touching the stem)— sometimes as much as a quarter of the pie!— pull out all those roots and dirt, and repack with fresh soil. It’s a cure, if the real problem behind observable symptoms is a weak, bound-up root ball.

      Anyway, good luck Doing The Thing this year! Remember that perfection is the enemy of the good :)

    7. Forensic13*

      Resources from college agricultural groups and the USDA can be great and very simply explained. And looking for “companion plants” can tell you what likes similar soil and what will improve each other. Try to include at least one plant (especially flowers) that attract pollinators to help your other plants.

    8. Jamie Starr*

      I found this book helpful when I lived in an apartment with a balcony: Crops in Pots by Bob Purnell.

    9. Professor Plum*

      Explore the many varieties of basil that are available in seed form. Two if my favorites are lemon basil and lettuce leaf (or mammoth) basil. Yum!

  41. Jazz and Manhattans*

    I’m heading to England next Friday and want to buy a few things. Nothing expensive just jewlery around $100 or less; some skeins of yarn. Do I need to worry about additional taxes coming back to the U.S. what with the current tariff war?

    1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I’m supposed to go to England for a family trip this fall and I also was thinking of bringing back some yarn, along with some seasonings or spice blends (my usual souvenir), so your question prompted me to do some research. Maybe the customs broker who frequently posts can respond from a bigger knowledge base than my work with Dr. Google.

      I looked this up on Rick Steves. The article on coming back from Europe says “You can take home $800 worth of items per person duty-free in your luggage, once every 31 days (family members can combine their individual $800 exemptions on a joint declaration).” There’s no date on the article to tell me when it was last updated.

      With a bit more research I learned the Secretary of the Treasury sets the dollar amount for this small-dollar disregard of tariffs. Basically it wouldn’t be worth the administrative cost to deal with this small amount. This is in 19 U.S. Code § 1321 – Administrative exemptions. The law section of Stack Exchange has an article on application of tariffs that led me here.

      That’s as far as I went.

  42. Natalie*

    Recommendations to help regain focus?

    I finally had my first experience getting Covid last week. (Made it 5 years!)
    My symptoms weren’t too severe, mostly just lots of coughing, feeling tired, and some brain fog. Well, the coughing has cleared up, my energy is better, but the brain fog is still with me.

    I’m having lots of trouble paying attention for more than a few minutes to anything. Reading is really hard. I try to listen to podcasts, but I keep realizing I’ve stopped paying attention and then I need to rewind.

    Any advice?

    1. Hyaline*

      It’s only been a week—I think this is your body telling you it is still recovering and needs rest. Watch stupid TV. Do silly simple puzzles or games. Stick with simple, low key, restful stuff.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        This feels right to me. When I had Covid, my doctor told me to not do anything that required using my brain and just focus on rest. So, I did a lot of stupid tv, and some puzzles and easy reading as I started to improve. As long as you have brain fog, I wouldn’t push things too much—anywhere you can take it easy, try to take it easy!

      2. Girasol*

        I second giving it time. A week after I got covid I was still tired so I whiled away the time with a good book, start to finish. Three months later I read the same book and could have sworn I’d never seen a word of it before. It just takes longer than you’d think.

    2. Qwerty*

      How’s your movement? Are you getting up and walking around for short spurts? I found light cleaning helped temporarily clear up brain fog when I was getting over my last bought of covid, I think getting blood flowing is what helped. Granted this will tire you out, so rest often.

      Take naps if you can – part of the fogginess is your head is tired from all the symptoms, even if the rest of your body is feeling more energy.

      Good food with all the nutrients is something to consider, especially if you lose your appetite when sick. In addition to regular vitamins for healing, you need stuff to contribute to your dopamine and seratonin levels. (chocolate is my go-to)

      If the struggle is that you can’t entertain yourself, consider idle-based phone games. Merge Dragons and Township are my go-tos when sick, plus I’ll often download a new idle game, play for a few days, then uninstall once I”m feeling better and bored with it.

    3. Healthcare Worker*

      Unfortunately for me, time is the only thing that helps. I’ve had covid 3 times (yes, I’m fully vaccinated) and the brain fog has been less each time but still takes a couple of weeks to fade. Rest and take care!

    4. Chaordic One*

      My family and I made through almost 5 years before we all came down with it. Hyaline is right and has offered good suggestions. Be kind to yourself. Focus on getting enough sleep. Taking a nap on your days off from work, maybe on a weekend, is perfectly acceptable. Try to eat right and stay hydrated. You probably don’t feel like exercising but do a few gentle things. A 10 minute walk around the block (as opposed to an hour-long trek at a brisk pace). You might want to listen to some music. (My suggestion is classical, but easy listening will do.) If you need some entertainment, try some light and silly TV sitcoms (a joke a minute so you don’t have to focus too intensely).

    5. Sitting Pretty*

      Please please please rest. Rest until you’re so bored you feel like you’re losing your mind. Don’t do anything remotely cognitively taxing. Wear a sleep mask, listen to soothing music, and rest some more.

      I have had exactly one COVID infection in 2022. It turned into long COVID, progressed to ME/CFS, and now I’m disabled and almost entirely housebound.

      It could have just been bad luck. But I suspect what triggered the post-viral nightmare was getting too active too quickly. I was a super active person and couldn’t tolerate being still and chill and bored. So I ignored my fatigue and stayed busy.

      Oh how I wish I could go back 3 years, get in bed, and stay there for a month. Please just don’t do anything. Rest until you can’t imagine any more. Then rest some more.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Owooooo. After howling in sympathy at your horrible experience, I am sending you healing thoughts. If this is toxic positivity, I apologize. May things go as well as they can for you and may you have supportive people (however you define that) in your life as much, or as little, as you want and need.

    7. Teacher Lady*

      My husband had Covid for the first time around Thanksgiving, and his brain fog lasted about six weeks. (My only bout was a year ago January – I’m pretty sure I got it the first day back from winter break – and my brain fog wasn’t bad after, but most of the things we did to manage recovery were the same.) The only way it’s gonna get better is with time and rest.

      – If you have PTO, use it. If you wake up feeling like you can’t brain today, stay home and rest.
      – Cut out life admin stuff that isn’t time-sensitive. You still need to eat, and you should probably take out the trash, but it’s okay to let laundry pile up a bit, or to vacuum less often.
      – Simplify the life admin stuff you must do. Make some easy meals that produce a lot of leftovers so that you don’t have to cook as much.
      – If you have other people in your household or life who can help out, ask for help!
      – Rest like crazy. I’m a huge napper, so that was a big part of my recovery, but my husband spent a lot of time just laying on the couch when his brain fog was bad. (Maybe put on a TV show or a selection of podcasts you’ve already watched/listened to, so that you won’t be bored but you won’t feel as much need to pay attention.)

  43. Blog Posts into PDF/e-book (Bike Walk Bake Books)*

    I write two blogs that go back a number of years, one to 2008. I’ve had one big blog crash and had to recreate quite a bit (thank heavens for backups and also for the Wayback Machine).

    I’d like to compile them into a book in PDF format so I have them all. I don’t feel any need to turn them into a physical form at this point: I think I mostly want to automate the process of printing a bunch of pages to PDF.

    I’m poking around among the various apps and services and wondering if anyone has had any experience with this. Any recommendations or cautions?

    A couple of specific preferences:

    My personal blog is in Blogger, bike blog is in WordPress. I’d like to be able to put the two together in chronological order. I know how to move pages around within a PDF–it would just be nice if the utility did this itself based on post publication date if I gave it both home page URLs.

    I’d rather pay a bit than use a free app that turns out to be using my writing to teach AI. I looked at BlogBooker, which promises to delete all the files, and Kotobee, which doesn’t say anything about what happens to the content, for starters.

    I don’t want to use an Amazon anything.

    1. miel*

      Not automated, but this strikes me as the type of task that could potentially be outsourced to a teenage neighbor or a gig-worker online.

  44. SpellingBeatrice*

    Any recommendations for spelling apps/websites for elementary school kids? Everything I’ve found is too gamified to be useful. I would like something with word-by-word feedback, not a test format where they don’t know what’s right/wrong until the end). Thanks in advance!

    1. Fellow Traveller*

      We got our kids a Speak and Spell and they love it. Not an app or website, bit Inkind of like that it isn’t a screen.

  45. Elizabeth West*

    A while back, I asked about immersion blenders, and today, while shopping at the closeout store for a fan, I peeked into the kitchen aisle and guess what they had? :D

    The one I got is a brand I don’t recognize, which is fine; I’m okay with a cheap one to start, to see if I like it. It has a whisk attachment and a little food processor container thingy so the blender part should come off. I can’t wait to try it!

    Favorite smoothie recipes? Blended soups? What else can I whip up with it?

    1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I recently made a creamy mushroom soup recipe at Love and Lemons. I blended a bit of the soup right in the pot to add creaminess, left the rest so I had nice pieces of mushroom. It was delicious. I made it with fresh crimini and shiitake and a few dried porcini and chantarelles (the chantarelles are because I have an awesome friend who picked many, many pounds and shared some).

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Oh nooo I hate mushrooms. I wish I liked them, I’ve tried to like them, but I don’t. But I bet someone who loves them would love this!

    2. Zona the Great*

      Not lychee! This is what killed mine. Also, use chipped ice before blending into a smoothie to lessen the demand on the unit.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh yeah, the instructions say to run it in very short bursts. If I use frozen fruit, I’ll thaw it first.

    3. Pentapus*

      best thing ever: 2 or 3 cloves of garlic. cup of pitted olives, at least half the dried Moroccan kind, that you have to pit by hand. half a cup or so of grated parmesan, and 2 to 4 tbspns of olive oil. olive pesto.

    4. Formerly in HR*

      Hummus – by adding all ingredients to a bowl and then using the vertical blender. This is my favourite: https://www.loveandlemons.com/hummus-recipe/ and have also used the same method with this recipe https://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2021/03/aran-goyoagas-red-lentil-hummus.html.
      If the blender can be split in two – shaft with blade and top part with cord – and the top part also fits into the food processor thingy, you can use the latter to chop/ process nuts, cheese, cauliflower (that’s how I rice it, in batches), onions. Enjoy trying it out!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yes, there’s a blade in the food processor thingy — the power handle part goes into the top of that and it’s just a small processor. I stopped chopping up white onions because it was so unpleasant — now I just buy them already chopped and frozen. They’re cheap and I always just froze them anyway. Red onions aren’t as bad, though.

    5. Formerly in HR*

      I see there’s another comment mentioning pesto, as I’ve forgotten about it. Sometimes, if I have leftover parsley, rucola, maybe some spinach – rarely do basil only- I just add it to a bowl, add some pine nuts (can use other nuts), salt, grated cheese, garlic cloves, drizzle some olive oil and get it going. With pitted olives, olive oil, salt, maybe some sundried tomatoes you can make tapenade.

    6. HannahS*

      My go-tos are butternut squash soup and tomato soup.

      I did recently try a red beet-based pasta sauce from Yummy Toddler Food (it’s bright pink; I don’t love beets but it was good with lots of lemon zest and black pepper. Predictably, my toddler had one taste and said, “I don’t like this.” My husband loved it; I thought it was fine. You have to like beets in order to like it.)

      My favourite smoothie recipe is just frozen mango, frozen dark sweet cherries, a spoonful of almond butter, and hot water just to soften the fruit a bit. I don’t generally like dairy or bananas in smoothies, so it’s a bit odd but the nut butter works for me!

    7. Shiny Penny*

      Easy mayo!
      There’s an old guy on you tube in the keto community who shows how to make mayo with olive oil, raw eggs, and lemon juice. Room temp ingredients and an immersion blender and about 2 minutes of work.
      Good stuff!

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I did this recently when I discovered I was out of mayo and it was in fact super easy. I need to fiddle with the seasoning before using it plain, but I needed it for a sauce and it worked just fine there.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      Congrats!!
      I make a sweet potato soup with ham in it. Saute a chopped onion slowly in olive oil. Add whatever broth you like. Simmer a couple of chopped sweet potatoes in it until soft. Whir with the immersion blender. Marvel at how smooth it is and how easy that was. Add chopped ham and a shot of bourbon. If you have chives or scallions, snip some over the top. Heat through and enjoy!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I don’t eat ham, but I LOOOOOOOOOVE sweet potatoes. I’ll try this one. I have some right now, in fact.

        Funny enough, when I was a kid I hated them. But now with butter and salt and pepper, they’re like candy to me. :)

    9. Girasol*

      Instant breakfast: some milk, some cottage cheese for protein, and your choice of banana, orange juice, peanut butter, cocoa, vanilla, berries, or…you get the idea. It’s also handy for whipping an overly ripe banana into yogurt.

  46. Plaidless*

    Sewists, what are you doing now that Joann’s is going away? My mom is a lifelong seamstress who loves to make her own clothes, and she’s definitely not tech-friendly enough to consider shopping online for cloth. She’s really upset, and I want to fix it.

    1. Reba*

      Save up for a weekend trip to the closest city with a real fabric store? I’m lucky that there are a bunch of indies near ish to me (East Coast)

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      I don’t know! The last time I looked for garment fabric at JoAnn’s I was disappointed at their lack of choices, as was a friend who also makes clothes.

    3. Forensic13*

      This may be completely unhelpful, but because I was in Amish country a few days ago—are there any cultural or ethnic populations near her who more traditionally make their own clothes still? After similarly being bummed about JoAnn’s closing, though I don’t sew, I was comforted to see the many quilt and fabric shops that were serving the Amish community.

    4. HannahS*

      I’m not in the US, but just–sympathy! Brick-and-mortar fabric stores are increasingly hard to find. I second Amish country stores. Some American Walmarts have quite extensive fabric selections (while others have none.) You may also be able to use some tech yourself to find if there are any independent fabric stores around. Weirdly, I find it often easier to find dancewear fabrics and quilting shops rather than people who sell actual garment fabric.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Several times a year where I live, there are Dutch fabric markets which tour through the region, then set up in sports/exhibition halls for the day. Is there an equivalent perhaps? There are always women with shopping trolleys and suitcases, as well as a cafe for bored husbands/partners/men who have been persuaded to help with carrying everything.

    5. Hoary Vervain*

      No idea! I hate buying fabric online, and AFAIK the only other store with a big fabric selection in town is one that I refuse to enter or support. We have some smaller quilting/sewing shops that might sell some stuff, but I figured I’ll start there.

      But first, I’m going to JoAnn this week when I have a day to myself and I’m going to give myself a set amount and then let my little heart run free. And also buy a lot of organizational items. And maybe some sewing notions I’ve been eyeing. And some craft stuff for my kids. But mostly fabric because our JoAnn literally has a Michael’s across the parking lot.

      Then I will mourn. And hopefully sew.

    6. Llellayena*

      Mourning. I happen to live within an hour of a very traditional Jewish population who then to make most of their own clothing. This means there’s a Jewish-run fabric store close enough to be useful. I’m also more a quilter than a clothing maker so quilt stores work for me. If cottons work then that’s a good option but do look for cultural fabric stores like Jewish and Amish. A google maps search was rather useful to me when I was hunting for wedding dress fabric. I found some fantastic sari fabric stores!

    7. Hatchet*

      Admittedly not a seamstress, but Hobby Lobby has a decent selection of fabric and notions (at least the ones I visit do). Walmart has a smaller selection.
      Hopefully some of these stores (& maybe even Michael’s?) will step up and expand their fabric and sewing departments.

      1. Maryn*

        Hobby Lobby has been at the center of so many controversies–I know, no politics here–that I would hope you’d research that and reconsider giving them your business.

        Meanwhile… I sew and haven’t bought fabric at JoAnn in many years as their quality slipped ever lower. What I’d do, Plaidless, is sit down with Mom and help her get comfortable ordering online. There are places specializing in quilting cottons, in high-end fabrics, in mill ends at great prices, and lots more–and the quality is uniformly better than JoAnn’s has been. There are stores where you can order a swatch, so you can see it and feel it.

        • http://www.hartsfabric.com/
        • http://www.stylemakerfabrics.com/ – probably where I buy from most these days
        • http://www.gorgeousfabrics.com/ – often has lots of nice ITY in particular
        • http://www.califabrics.com/
        • https://www.lafinchfabrics.com/
        • http://www.naturesfabrics.com/ – where I usually buy bamboo/lycra, which is my preferred fabric for knit tops
        • http://www.moodfabrics.com/- tons of stuff, some very high end but also reasonable prices – the “Mood Exclusive” collections have some interesting prints
        • http://www.fabrics-store.com/ – good place for linen, lots of colors, good prices
        • http://www.emmaonesock.com/fabricindex.asp – designer deadstock, often expensive but they have things you won’t see anywhere else
        ~And http://www.fabricmartfabrics.com, where I buy most of mine–and a package of challis, interlock knit, and jersey just now came. I’ll need boots to get it; it’s snowing.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      Look for local fabric stores you’ve never needed to know about. You said she’s not tech savvy but you could help her find and bookmark some Etsy shops that carry brands she likes (so she’s not risking low quality somewhere like Amazon). I’ve come across a lot of fabric shops there that curate specific brands or styles of fabric, and often post collections all together so you can get coordinating patterns easily

    9. Chaordic One*

      We have some local independently owned stores that specialize in quilting, fabrics and crafts that are good, but a bit spendy. You might look for some independent shops near where your mother lives.

      Hobby Lobby has a fair selection of fabric, but yes, they are a bit controversial and I tend not to shop there. My local Walmart and the local Michaels crafts store carry fabric, but the selection can be a bit limited at times. In the past I’ve had good luck buying fabric online and through mail order catalogs by “Hancock’s of Paducah” and “eQuilter-dot-com” (not putting in the period so that this post won’t go to moderation.)

    10. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I didn’t know it was going away so this was my first time thinking about this. In my area, we have some quilting shops, a consignment craft supply shop that also carries fabric for quilting, and I’ve seen fabric at a sewing machine shop I was in recently. I was just in Michael’s today and it doesn’t carry anywhere near what I consider a full line of supplies as far as notions, thread selection, etc. I haven’t been sewing much, planning to get back into it, so this makes me sad.

    11. Teal Tshirt*

      spoonflower dot com lets you choose or upload designs; and lets you choose the fabric you want that design printed on. Options include organic cotton; and the designs have everything including nerdy goodness. I challenge you to have a look and not be tempted. It is a m a z i n g.

    12. RLC*

      As others have mentioned, sewing machine shops often carry a variety of fabrics, and their staff (and other customers/sewists there who often love to chat about all things sewing) may know of local fabric shops. In my area there is a mind bogglingly enormous and well stocked shop which does not advertise and has no online presence. Word of mouth has kept them busy for 50+ years.

  47. BellStell*

    Just read this in wikipedia and wanted to share! WSBK-TV (channel 38) is an independent television station in Boston. “One of WSBK’s most remembered past programs was the informative and often amusing series Ask the Manager, created by then-general manager William J. Flynn in the mid-1970s. Each week Flynn, and later his successors Joseph C. Dimino, Daniel J. Berkery and Stuart Tauber would answer viewer questions on-air. The letters were read each week for many years by the station’s announcer and host…” A TV show! Can you imagine thus today?!?

    2. 653-CXK*

      This is 100% true. I am a Boston native, and while I didn’t watch this show, “Ask The Manager
      ” was very popular in the 1970s through the mid-late 1990s, before WSBK became a UPN affiliate, then independent, then a MyTV affiliate, and then an independent TV station once again.

      Another bit of trivia: WSBK used to be a superstation (similar to WTBS in Atlanta), carried by many cable companies in the Northeast, Mid-Atlantic, and possibly the Midwest. They were also carried by many cable companies in Canada.

    3. 653-CXK*

      Also: the station’s announcer was Dana Hersey, who was at WSBK from the mid 1970s to about 2000-ish or so.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Who was AWESOME!! Channel 38 used to have the best programs.
        Why yes, I am old…

        1. 653-CXK*

          Yes, he was certainly was, and I frequently watched the Movie Loft on the weekends in the 1980s, way before cable. (I’m old too…)

  48. Bluebell Brenham*

    Final hamentashen count for this year – our family made approximately 10 dozen. The new flavor we tried this year was fig filling, and we skipped marshmallow fluff. Also did apricot and peanut butter cup. I mailed some to relatives though not early enough to arrive by yesterday. Adult daughter joined us to roll out dough and bake this year, and it was nice to have her with us. What flavors did other folks bake?

    1. Pentapus*

      I did prune and date. I had the opposite problem you had: mailed some last Saturday to my daughter, because it usually takes a week, and they arrived Monday. prune is always my favourite.

    2. Charly*

      Raspberry, orange marmalade, and fig. I could not find poppy seed filling in my town for love or money :/

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        I have a friend who always makes poppyseed, so I’ve never needed to make it. Plus over the past few years there are now two bakeries in my town that make really good hamentashen.

      2. Roland*

        If you can get your hands on plain poppy seeds, making your own filling is not too bad! I use Tori Avey’s recipe and there’s even simpler recipes out there.

        1. Charly*

          I did the math on that last year when I ran into the same problem and the economics of even one batch simply didn’t make sense, alas.

    4. Little Miss Helpful*

      We also tried fig spread this year! Another win was finding a jarred lemon curd that is already the right consistency.

    5. HannahS*

      Wow, ten dozen! Could you please share me what dough recipe you use, and how you pack them for mailing? I love the flavour of Tori Avey’s dairy dough, but it’s finicky. Fig sounds great. I was sick the weekend and week that I usually make them, so I didn’t make any this year. My favourite fillings are poppy seed and apricot jam, but I always make a few prune ones for my husband and Nutella for the chocolate nuts in my family.

      I’ve promised myself that next year I’m buying a coffee grinder for the poppyseeds, and maybe one of those hexagon cutters to make it easier.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        You can find the recipe online by searching Hamantaschen II (P, TNT) Source: The Women’s Orthodox League (Detroit) Cookbook. It’s an easy oil based recipe. I also make a chocolate dough by swapping out 1/2 cup cocoa for the flour. I used to make a more tender chocolate dough with butter but it was much harder to roll out. For mailing I bought small boxes, put tissue paper on the bottom, put 8 cookies in ziplock bags as a layer, and another layer of 8 in a ziplock, and more tissue paper on top. Plus a handful or two of chocolate kisses and tea bags as the rest of the shaloch manos.

    6. Roland*

      Of course poppy as always, and also made date filling for my weirdo friends who don’t like poppy. Some chocolate-filled as well but just with store-bought chocolate.

      I used Tori Avey’s dairy recipe for the dough as always, best one I’ve ever tried and always gets rave reciews (the easier parve one is good too). Stores were all out of poppy filling so I also used her recipe for that. The date filling I made from a simple Hebrew recipe, but the one good tip it had that everyone can use with their own favorite recipe is adding a little bit of baking soda after the dates are done soaking in all the boiling water. Gives it a bit of an airier texture.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It was a very tough week for us here– partner RTO’d and I was busy almost every night, including Purim– so I only had the energy for one batch. Made about two dozen. Raspberry, lemon curd, and Nutella. I couldn’t find poppy seed filling and couldn’t bring myself to make it. Last year I made dulce de leche and it was amazing, but this year time was a problem. I use Tori Avey’s dairy-free dough– I like that it makes a crispier hamantaschen. I brought them to a rehearsal and they got raves, and of course I answered every compliment with, “These weren’t my best, I’m sorry, I didn’t make enough!” I believe that’s a Talmudic requirement, insulting my own cooking and baking. I’ll have to find the tractate.

      The ones we got at the Purim shpiel were AMAZING. As were the very strong drinks. We had a great Purim.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        What recipe did you use for the dulce de leche? That’s always been on my “to be tried” list. I’ve done lemon curd in the past, and am also a fan of cherry pie filling.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I simmer a can of sweetened condensed milk– less of a recipe than a process. There’s a good method on Serious Eats. It takes several hours and you have to keep checking the water, but it’s very easy and really delicious if you have the time.

          I also usually make babka with leftover hamantaschen filling. Poppy and lemon was a favorite. This year it will be lemon and raspberry.

  49. Cooking baby limas*

    I’ve been reading about how healthy lima beans (aka butter beans) are, so I bought a bag of dried baby limas. I’d like to cook up a batch of vegetarian lima beans, using any standard cooking method including the Instant Pot. My only idea is succotash and I didn’t like it very much the few times I’ve had it. What do you do for delicious limas from scratch that don’t include meat? Most recipes I saw online started with frozen limas, not dry, and I’m not sure how to adapt them.

    Please say if you’re cooking full-size or baby limas so I could adjust cooking time if necessary. My supermarket only has bags of baby limas.

    3. HannahS*

      You could try smitten kitchen’s pizza beans, just with limas instead of gigantes. I don’t have a specific method for cooking baby lima beans, specifically, but I’d deal with them the same way I prepare all dried beans: soak overnight, then drain and simmer until tender. Depending on the age of the beans, that could be 45 minutes or two hours. If I’m making a bean salad, then I simmer them in water. If it’s in a soup, stew, or curry, I just simmer them directly in the broth/sauce.

      I used to make a vegetarian caldo verde with canned white beans, and I imagine that baby limas would work.

      (I don’t soak lentils or split peas, because they cook so quickly.)

      1. Cooking baby limas*

        In fact I restrained myself from making a “baby llamas” joke when I posted the question….

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Succotash, I find, needs a LOT more seasoning than most recipes call for. Ginger is fantastic in it, along with red bell peppers. Also, if you eat meat, andouille sausage!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Also google “Marry Me Beans.” It calls for “white beans” but limas will work well in it.

  50. Angstrom*

    Happily reading my way through Dashiell Hammett’s “Red Harvest”, and came actross this bit that made me smile. Dinah Brand and the Continental Op have just polished off a bottle of gin.

    “…All right, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. That’s the kind of girl I am. Always was.”
    She went on that way for five minutes, telling me in detail just which and what sort of girl she was, and always had been, and why.

    I suspect many of us have had drunken friend encounters like that. :-)

  51. Using a broiler*

    I feel foolish confessing this, but I have never used my oven’s broiler. I don’t know why I am afraid of it, but I am — maybe the idea of really high heat and not knowing how to use it. When I follow a recipe that calls for broiling at the end, I skip that step and I always regret not getting the full pleasure of the finished dish.

    What I don’t know (that I know about): Must it be on a specifically “broiler pan”? Do you leave the oven door ajar (how much) or closed? How far below the broiler do you place the pan? Are there ingredients that really should not be broiled? Anything else to consider?

    1. RagingADHD*

      It’s basically a horizontal toaster. Broiling differs from baking in that the heat is coming from the top rather than the bottom, moreso than the temperature.

      I broil on the top rack. The only “no-no” is that it can dry things out or over-brown them, so you probably only want to do things for a couple of minutes and not anything that would be ruined by getting a crispy top.

      Leaving the door ajar is just to keep a close eye on the color. It isn’t necessary for the cooking process.

    2. Cacofonix*

      I haven’t got the foggiest, but I once lived in an apartment for 6 years before I discovered that the oven didn’t work, ostensibly never worked. I discovered this only because I tried to turn it on when central heating died in mid-winter and I was trying anything to get warm. It got fixed by my landlord the next week who asked me why I didn’t say anything sooner.

      Just in case you need a story of anyone more clueless than you. A lot more clueless.

    3. HannahS*

      Oh using a broiler is totally not a big deal! The dish you use has to be tolerant of high heat, but not specifically a broiler pan. I wouldn’t put anything with a non-stick coating under a broiler and I’d be cautious about glass and ceramic (although in full disclosure I’ve absolutely put oven-safe glass and ceramic dishes under the broiler, because it’s for like 5 minutes and it’s a deep casserole dish full of food; the heat transfer isn’t going to be that fast.)

      The biggest risk is literally just burning your food. Start with the broiler on its lower setting and check every 2-3 minutes.

      1. Clisby*

        Yeah, I once had a pyrex dish crack when I put it under the broiler, but that was only once in my 71 years. If I need to broil something, I usually put it in a broiler pan or use a cast-iron-skillet, which for all I know might survive a nuclear attack.

    4. I didn't say banana*

      You don’t need a broiler pan, just whatever you’d normally cook in (if you’re putting a frypan/skillet under there, make sure the handle isn’t one that will melt). Put it a good two inches under the element. If you shut the door it will cook very quickly but you risk burning your food. Open door will heat your kitchen but grill a bit slower. Just start with simple things – melt some cheese on bread under there – and keep an eye on it to see how quick it browns. You’ll be fine, just don’t walk away while something is cooking.

    5. Shiny Penny*

      I looked into broiling earlier this year. Realized it will never be for me, because I honestly am never going to clean the oven. It stays clean enough for me just by… continuing to use it? Spills dry out, whatever. There’s no smoke. It’s fine. BUT I read that ovens can actually catch on fire if you broil at a high temperature in an oven that (ahem) has some residue on it? Lolol. Yay me, for googling first!

      1. RagingADHD*

        You need to clean your oven, because repeated spills can still cause fires or damage the heating element, even if you don’t use the broiler.

      2. HBJ*

        I’ve never heard of this or worried about it. And frankly, the pan and the food that is on it is going to get all or most of the direct heat, with little of it reaching all the way to the bottom.

    6. JR17*

      Next time you make fajitas, instead of sauteeing the peppers and onions, toss with olive oil and your preferred spices, spread on a cookie sheet, and put them under the broiler on the top rack (ideally set so it’s like 4-6 inches from the top of the oven but it doesn’t matter too much). Every couple of minutes, use a longer serving spoon to move the peppers and onions around on the pan. Pull it out when they’re starting to char. Just be careful when you open the oven door, hot air/steam billows out and I’ve gotten a face full of it way too many times. Not a big problem but not ideal!

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Relevant context: I have a gas range, with the broiler in the top of the oven. It is annoyingly narrow but works. I leave the door closed, and usually default into the 2nd oven rack position, which is maybe 6″.

      Broiling is basically upside down grilling. If the thing you are broiling is going to drip fat, then the broiler pan gives the liquid somewhere to go, so the food doesn’t sit and stew in the liquid. So if I’m broiling chicken, kabobs, etc, then I use a broiler pan. If I want to broil for the last few minutes (browning the cheese on top) then I just use the pan I’m cooking in, or I stick the thing I’m broiling (e.g. a tuna melt) on a small cookie sheet.

    8. Using a broiler*

      Thank you for all this info and encouragement. Next time I cook smittenkitchen’s low-and-slow roasted sweet potatoes, I will (try to make myself) do the broiler step at the end. Without that step the sweets are wonderful on the inside but the skin is nothing special, but all the comments about the delicious crisp skin must be based on broiling.

      1. Camelid coordinator*

        I never use my broiler either! Part of it is that I learned to cook as a vegetarian in the stir fry genre so it didn’t come up much. But also I am scared!

        1. Clisby*

          Broilers aren’t just for meat. I grew up cooking cheese toast and cinnamon toast under a broiler.

          1. Clisby*

            Adding … I don’t know how to cook either of these without a broiler. Plus, I was one of 6 children, so when we were growing up it was common for my mother to put a couple of pans of regular toast under the broiler just to get the cooking done.

    9. Alex*

      You’re not alone! I consider myself a pretty good and confident cook in most ways….but I still don’t use my broiler!

    10. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Oh, I am terrified of the broiler, always have been. So I hear you. But I got over it recently. I did use a broiler pan, and I lined the bottom part with foil– I made Impossible meatballs. Easier clean-up. Put everything in the top rack and prayed. They came out really nicely.

      The one thing I would caution you to do is check your pans before you use them in the broiler. My baking sheets are only good up to 450F, so I don’t use them on the high broiler setting (my oven has high, medium, and low). I will say that I don’t usually use recipes, but following ones closely when the broiler is called for helped me get over that hesitation.

    11. Not A Manager*

      There’s a difference between broiling briefly to brown/crisp the top of something, and “cooking something in/under the broiler.”

      When you’re just browning something in the broiler, you can mostly use any oven-safe pan that can handle proximity to very high heat for a very short time. Any pan that you can put on your stovetop (so long as the handle won’t melt), any casserole that you would feel safe putting into, say, a 500° F. oven. I would stay away from ceramic or glass myself.

      I always broil either on the top slot of my oven, or the next one down. For “browning under the broiler” food, I decide based on how burnable the top is and how long it needs to brown for. Fatty cheese that’s supposed to melt and then brown, I would place further away from the heat element and cook for longer. A crumble on top of a cobbler, that’s just supposed to lightly crisp up, I’d place nearer to the heat.

      When you are “cooking in the broiler” you generally want the food laid flat, on a rack, which is over a pan. You can use a specific broiler pan, which has a deep pan underneath and a slotted rack on top, or you can use a sturdy metal cooling rack (like for baked goods) set over a sturdy metal rimmed baking sheet. The pan is to catch fat drippings.

      For “cooking under the broiler” food, I decide how close it should be to the heat element based on thickness of the item/cooking time and how fatty it is. I never cook bacon under the broiler, but if I did it would be further from the heat element. Sausages get placed lower. Fish fillets are higher. When I had a strong gas stove, I could broil a steak in it, set further from the heat, until it was brown on top and cooked through. Now that I have a kind of crappy electric stove, I brown the steak as close as possible to the heat element and then finish it in a warm oven.

    12. Rara Avis*

      We broil fish. Usually with the oven rack on the top setting. We have a broiler pan. You do have to watch it closely to avoid burning, especially if the filet is uneven in thickness. We keep the door closed.

  52. Knighthope*

    I’m broiler-avoidant, too, because my broiler (gas stove) is near the floor. Advice I have read is to leave the door ajar for electric, closed for gas, and to keep an eye on your food to prevent burning it. Broiler pans are for meats (fat drips through the slots) and vegetables.

    1. Seashell*

      I have an electric stove, and I always keep it closed. I wouldn’t leave something under the broiler for more than 2 minutes or so before checking it, because it can burn quickly.

  53. Blythe*

    I have three wonderful and STRUGGLING teens (mine through foster care) and have finally accepted that I need to take a leave of absence from what-must-not-be-named. I am going to be home educating my youngest two (13 and 15, both in 8th grade). I am a middle school teacher by profession, but obviously this is a pretty different situation! Anyone here had success with educating teenagers at home? We definitely do not want online classes (except for fun stuff); we DO want learning!

    1. Buni*

      Having done home-schooling (not my kids), at that age I’d say the biggest benefit is TRIPS. Whatever subject you’re learning about, if it’s at all remotely possible where you live, get out the house – museums, galleries, exhibitions, just to a local park, anything. Book learning absolutely yes, but always back it up with real life examples.

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      Absolutely seconding trips and any kind of hands on learning, workshops etc.
      There’s a boat building museum near me that was a huge hit with my kids. Plus all the nature stuff at Mass Audubon and the like in the summer. (they loved tapping maple trees and making syrup, for one)

    3. Hypatia*

      I have taken one of my teens out of high school and honeschooled 2 semesters now. I did get a ceramics class at a local shop for him – he likes art and it was hands-on. We did some field trips- if his younger brothers needed to go somewhere for a school field trip, like a symphony or Presidential library, I volunteered to drive and took the teen too.
      I picked some classics novels I thought he’d like- often We’d watch the movie version when done. We also did some loose associations- time travel novel lead to watching Groundhog Day and Edge of Tomorrow. Of Mice and Men took us to The Curious Incident of the Dog in the nighttime, which we also saw as a play. You can have a lot of fun following where their interests lead. We are currently reading novels set in or around WWII to go with the history he’s covering. We joined the Y so he can go there to work out to count as PE. Other homeschool families I know have the kids take martial arts or music classes.
      Check what restrictions/requirements your state has. Mine has none, except that I need to cover basic subjects, PE, and something art/fine arts.
      The first semester I did this, I didn’t let him use a computer for a month or so. Now he uses it to watch some topical videos, Spark notes quizzes for quick reading comprehension tests, some word processing, Desmos for graphing.
      There are lots of homeschool blogs out there with good ideas for starting with teens. This Ain’t The Lyceum is my go-to, but it might not be your cup of tea. Good luck and have fun! you’ll figure out your style as you go!

    4. Lynn*

      The library is your best friend! History? Social studies? English lit? Science, even, for a while? Ditch the textbooks and get library books. The kids section has a lot of good stuff that is enough info on topics for that age. If your kids struggle with reading, read to them or get audio books if they’re available.

  54. Storm in a teacup*

    Just to say that Caroline O’Donoghue does a brilliant podcast called Sentimental Garbage.
    Each episode is a discussion with a fellow fan of a guilty pleasure book, movie or TV show.
    A happy and escapist listen and Caroline is a great host.
    Recent episodes have included Phantom of the Opera with Rebecca Kuang, Richard Curtis movies, Sweet Valley High books and the music of Kylie Minogue.

  55. Manders*

    Yesterday I helped my neighbor perform CPR on her mom (she’s OK!). I’m certified, but it is quite different doing that in the rain on the street on a frail older woman and learning on a big “male” dummy. I highly recommend downloading the app Rescue Me, which we used to get the timing right on the compressions.

    1. Mutually Supportive*

      Well done, that’s certainly something to be proud of!
      I hope you’re taking care of yourself – when my friend helped with CPR once they were a bit shaken afterwards so if that’s you too, know that it’s normal.
      Going to find and download the app now, thank you for the recommendation :)

    2. Rick Tq*

      Congratulations. Going from training to Real LIFE is scary, and getting your neighbor’s mom back shows you have the right form.

  56. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Home printer recommendations? The ink for ours is now more expensive than a new printer (because it hasn’t been manufactured in like 5 years). I’ve heard that the Epson brand is very good, is that still true?
    Features I’d like: Scanning/copying, wifi connection that actually stays connected, USB connection to computer in case wifi is out, will still print B&W if the magenta is empty, new cartridges are reasonably priced, or accepts generics, or refillable.
    Bonus features: Can print from phones, each color can be replaced separately, “draft” quality will give legible text print, ink cartridges have “reset” button, defaults to low ink use but can print photo quality on occasion.
    If possible, I’d like to avoid any “smart” features. I’d prefer not to have it connect to the cloud, include any kind of AI, or even be able to send an email. Just printing from and scanning to devices that are on my home network and have the proper drivers.

    1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      We have an Epson XP-5100 Expression Home that ticks all the must-have features you want.
      Scans and copies, wifi connection is very stable, usb connection AND sd-card slot, still prints even if one of the colours is empty, accepts generic cartridges though it always warns you that those could potentially cause problems and asks if you actually want to proceed with them (we’ve never had problems with generic cartridges).
      I’m not sure about all the bonus features, though.
      It can definitely print from phone (Android in my case) and each colour cartridge has to be replaced separately.
      I’ve never tried to print photo quality or the legibility of the draft quality, am unsure about the default setting for ink use, and don’t know what you mean with “reset” buttons of the ink cartridges.
      It does have the option of cloud storing and, I think, email but I’ve just never used either.
      Also it prints quite quickly and quite silently. I do not use it often, though – monthly, rather than weekly or even daily – and thus have to watch out for the ink cartridges drying up. All in all, I’m very happy with it 4 years in.

      The 5100 doesn’t seem to be on the market anymore but the 5200 is the current model of that series and seems basically the same, minus the sd-card slot.

    2. HannahS*

      I currently have an HP–i just bought what was on sale at our office supply. It has a flatbed scanner on top and is wifi-enabled. It doesn’t do colour printing, though. It’s perfectly fine. We mainly just print forms and I print sewing patterns, so it’s not heavily used.

    3. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I have an Epson Ecoprint or something like that. Uses ink tanks instead of cartridges. I first refilled ink after 4 years with the extra ink that came with it. Does everything you need. I’ve had it for 5 years and I’m very happy with it.

    4. HBJ*

      Stay away from HP! We will never get another one! They seem to go through ink really fast (we print at least 1-2 times a week, so no, it’s not drying out).

      They make it insanely hard to avoid their apps and subscription ink. We had to go online and download the drivers to print from our computer without having to sign up for an account and use their app. We can’t print from our phones without downloading an app.

      They are also a major culprit in the drive to keep people from using off brand ink and have been sued over it. https://www.reuters.com/legal/government/hp-hit-with-consumer-lawsuit-over-third-party-ink-replacement-2024-01-08/

      1. Generic Name*

        I agree. I caved and got the ink subscription, but when I cancelled the subscription, it basically killed the printer. I bought ink from the store but the printer won’t print saying it has invalid ink or something. I bought name brand hp ink using the correct cartridge number. Never again.

        1. Girasol*

          I’ve had that happen but I have an app called “HP Print and Scan Doctor” which has helped me over many a “why doesn’t it print this time??” Usually it’s that I print so infrequently that the cartridge got old or the driver has gone out of date. But the app really helps to solve problems without tearing my hair out.

      2. Sloanicota*

        I agree, it seems like mine is always immediately out of ink. I have tried refilling cartridges too, and it wasn’t effective for me.

      3. Sunflower*

        I had the same experience with the HP printer – it was incredibly frustrating! I had so many problems with the ink subscription and when I cancelled it (with brand new ink I had just put in) HP disabled the ink so I couldn’t print. So I ordered ink from Amazon and didn’t realize it was off-brand – it looked the same as the HP ink. So that ink wouldn’t work either. I went out that very day and got an Epson printer. Other than the fact that I can’t reliably print from my iPad (and can’t figure out what the issue is) it is working out well. We can print from laptops and iPhones just fine.

    5. El Muneco*

      Most of my suggestions aren’t applicable if you need color. Ink causes nothing but trouble so if you can get by on B&W and take the thumb drive to a commercial outlet for the final image, I’d certainly think about it. Also it depends on h0w much you print, if it’s once a month or so, ink is definitely contraindicated as it gets stale in ways that toner doesn’t.

      For my use case, my Brother is perfect. It sleeps for weeks silently, can scan and print text reliably, and the magenta and black don’t run out separately because there aren’t any.

    6. Emma*

      This printer has gotten rave reviews from a shopping group (Gee Thanks, Just Bought It) that I’m in!

      Brother HL-L2420DW Wireless Compact Monochrome Laser Printer

  57. Esprit de l'escalier*

    Where I live it rains a lot from March to June, and I’m hoping to find a truly rainproof and lightweight raincoat with a hood and pockets that is knee-length or longer on a medium-height woman. Size would be M or L depending on how snug it seems to be. Any suggestions for a specific raincoat or a good website to look at? I gave up on LandsEnd because their most promising looking raincoat has no user reviews.

    1. Sitting Pretty*

      Well, this suggestion may not be helpful then but my rain jacket is Land’s End, and I love it! Lightweight, lots of pockets, several adjustments to the hood, wrists, and bottom. Keeps the rain off for sure. It has a narrow “bill” on the hood that you barely notice but gives the hood a little structure and helps protect your face from direct rain. I’ve had it for several years and it has held up really well.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I got a Columbia brand rain jacket at REI that I really like but it’s only waist length. Perfect weight for warm but rainy spring days and easy to layer in the fall. It’s kind of a “discount” brand compared to something like North Face or Cotopaxi, but basically all my outerwear is Columbia (rain jacket, zipper fleece, mid weight parka, snow coat) and they’re all great.

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      I love my Helly Hansen rain coat. I think I got it from Backcountry.com- they have a lot of options there.

    5. Maryn*

      I have a Land’s End rain jacket with a hood, pockets, and a zip-out liner, but I hardly ever review things for online retailers except small businesses.

      I’ve had it a few years now and don’t know if they still sell one exactly like it, but I wouldn’t hesitate to buy something similar. It packs small, works for a big range of temperatures, and doesn’t look too dressy or too casual.

    6. Kay*

      I like Arc’teryx. They have a sport/functional line as well as a more urban looking one but their products have always performed well for me. Patagonia is also another solid brand.

  58. Chaordic One*

    I know this is kind of late to post, but I’d still like to put it out there. I’m moving into a rental where we are not allowed to put any nails in the walls. The property management company recommends “Command Strips.” (Personally, I don’t get this fixation on not having nails in the walls. I think it would be nice if there were already nails in walls. I would use them to hang things from. But then I’m weird like that.)

    Are “Command Strips” any good? Do they work for larger heavier paintings and artwork? How would hang artwork on the walls? Are there any good alternatives to “Command Strips”? What would you do?

    1. David*

      I do use Command strips for most of what I hang on my walls. They’ve worked pretty well for the most part: all the framed pictures and artwork I’ve hung up are still there and stable after 7 years. But a few of the strips I use to mount hooks for hanging Christmas lights have come loose. (It’s easy to use a new strip and remount the hook, though.) So oddly enough they seem to work a little better for heavier things, but only up to a point – the strips do have some weight limit. You should find the recommended maximum weight printed on the package of each kind of strip (there are various types with different strengths), or on the product page of an online store, or on the brand’s website, so you’d be able to tell if the things you want to hang are too heavy.

      I would imagine there is some alternative to these things that exists, but whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to be widely available. Presumably 3M has active patents on the strips that prevent other companies from making viable alternatives without paying licensing fees. But they’ve worked well enough for me that I’ve never felt the need to find an alternative.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I own my house and for a lot of things I prefer to use command strips rather than nails in the walls. I have an iPad that’s command-stripped to a cupboard door in my kitchen (central calendar, recipe websites and YouTube while cooking, etc) and it hasn’t budged in probably five years despite the cupboard being opened regularly. I’d be hesitant if you have large heavy-framed artwork with glass fronts, the kind of thing that weighs forty pounds, but I have 9×14 and smaller framed artwork all over my house with no issues.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I do prefer the two-part “Velcro” type for most hanging rather than the two-sided-one-piece – I feel like they’re sturdier? But I have no actual data behind that, it’s just my gut feeling.

    3. Roland*

      Agreed that command strips etc work pretty well up to a certain weight. But also tbh you can probably just use nails anyway and spackle them before you leave. YMMV but I have to imagine that’s “reasonable wear and tear” in most jurisdictions.

    4. Healthcare Worker*

      Command strips specify how much weight they will hold, so checking that before you purchase will help

    5. Alex*

      Command strips work very well on most types of walls. I’ve had experiences where they don’t work so well on very old types of walls (think plaster instead of drywall).

      They come in all kinds of sizes and shapes. The strip is just one part–most of the time, you also have a hook or some other type of fastener. The package will tell you how many pounds the hook can hold.

    7. Southern Violet*

      Yes command strips have an array of products and in my experience can handle fairly heavy objects. Just be sure you get 3M command strip brand name and not any off brand. Those dont work at all.

  59. Shooting Pain!*

    It is way late in the weekend so I may have to post next week but here goes…please note I’m not asking for medical advice, just wondering if I’m alone.

    I have always experienced what I call shooting pains in various parts of my body for all my life. Tip of my ear, bottom of my foot, kneecap, eyeball, thigh, armpit, etc. These last for seconds and go away. Little lightning bolts. Nothing debilitating. Sometimes they come in a series and sometimes it is just a one-off. No doctor has ever expressed concerns about this and I’m sure it’s just nerves being nerves but can anyone relate to this? My partner has no idea what I’m talking about. I also get what I call Jimmy Legs (Seinfeld reference) when I’m awake but tired at night. The little kicks, you know? Perhaps these are related!

    1. Girasol*

      Me too. Sometimes feels like an insect sting for a few minutes and goes away. I’ve always imagined it was some nerve piping up to say “hey, I’m here!” I’ve never taken it as a sign of something serious.

    2. Indolent Libertine*

      There’s something called Restless Leg Syndrome, I wonder whether that could be it?

    4. Maryn*

      The “jimmy legs” is restless leg syndrome, easily treated with lesser doses of medication commonly prescribed for Parkinson’s. Tell your doctor.

    5. Pam Adams*

      My neuropathy reacts like this, although it’s just in my feet. Mostly numbness but occasional electric shocks. Bodies are weird.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I’ve always have the sneaking feeling that somewhere, someone has a voodoo doll of me and they are sticking pins in it.

      Seriously, sometimes a magnesium supplement helps. There’s a homeopathic supplement called “Magnilife” that contains magnesium that I’ve found helps a bit. And of course, there’s also “Neuriva.” Different times I found that various analgesic ointments and lotions applied to the legs help. Things like “Icy Hot” among others. Certainly wouldn’t hurt to try them.

  60. hummingbird*

    Another might be too late post :)

    For those who workout at home using video (eg YouTube) how do you do it/what’s your set up? Are you using your phone, a tablet etc? Do most people use a streaming TV?

    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      I use my laptop, because I need to bring it to the basement where the floor is not carpeted to do a yoga class, and there’s no TV there.

    2. Generic Name*

      I do yoga videos at home. Since it’s floor based, I prop my iPad up near wherever I set up my yoga mat.

    3. HannahS*

      I use Fitness Blender videos. I usually cast them to the TV from my phone and do it in my tiny living area with the toddler climbing all over me. If the TV isn’t available, I put my laptop on a table or chair and face it. On my laptop, I often have a second browser tab open with Spotify, because Fitness Blender doesn’t have music. On rare occasions, I’ve used just my phone, but the screen is so small that I don’t prefer it.

      1. hummingbird*

        Thanks y’all! I have my iPad or phone (when I mainly need the cues not visuals) on the floor.
        Good to know people don’t have a fancy setup I’m missing lol
        I did remember I have a new double screen laptop I can use! Brain fog :(

    5. HBJ*

      On my computer typically. That’s my preference. But I’ve also used my phone on a mini-tripod.

  61. Leslie*

    The Rachel affair was such a good book. It explores the negative effects that the patriarchy has on Rachael’s life and also how she uses it to her advantage. I will never forget it.

  62. Geriatric Rocker*

    Toxic Fans, or, I really need to have a rant.

    Every year, the BBC dedicates time and talent to Red Nose Day to raise money for sick kids. This means that regular programming doesn’t go ahead that day.
    Some of the members of a FB group I’ve just unsubbed from are complaining that they won’t be able to watch their program this week, calling the BBC stupid and saying how much they hate Red Nose Day.

    They hate the concept of raising money for sick kids because they can’t watch a tv program. And I thought some scifi fans could be toxic.

    1. londonedit*

      It’s not even a whole day! It’s just one evening! And who watches TV live nowadays anyway? There’s plenty on the BBC iPlayer for people to watch if they don’t want to watch the Comic Relief broadcast.

    2. allathian*

      Yeah, that’s weird. And it’s not as if BBC didn’t have more than two channels these days.

      That said, I don’t think *any* event deserves all-channel coverage, no matter how special they’re supposed to be, like royal weddings or funerals. Some people couldn’t care less, and in the interests of more equitable programming options, even public broadcasters should provide for that. A sizable proportion of the public has access to a TV but not necessarily to streaming services.

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        BBC 2 and 4 are perfectly normal on Friday – it’s just BBC 1 showing something different, the same way they might do if there was a big weeknight football match or something.

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