everyone likes me, so why am I not in the group chat?

by Alison Green on March 19, 2025

A reader writes:

I started a new job about four months ago in a team of six people in a mid-sized company, and my five immediate coworkers have been nothing but nice and helpful. They answer all of my questions, take lots of time to explain stuff, include me in lunch plans, go out of their way to make sure I have the equipment I need, etc.

We spend one week per month in the office and work from home the rest of the time. There is a group chat for just our team and our manager where we discuss work, but also post the occasional funny meme, talk about our weekends, just normal stuff. The thing is that I’m pretty sure there is another group chat with the same people minus our manager to which I have not been invited. This is starting to bug me a little bit, but I’m not sure if I should say something?

I “know” about the other chat because during my interview, when I was given the opportunity to talk to one future coworker alone, I asked about the culture around communication and he mentioned they have group chat with the boss and one without. When I never encountered the second one once I started working, I figured that I misremembered that, but recently I had my first annual review with my boss and he made an offhanded remark like, “I know you guys have this chat where you probably talk shit about me, but I don’t care as long as the work gets done.” To which I just said something noncommittal.

Some background: I’m the first new person in the team (barring temps and interns) in more than a decade. I’m also the only woman.

It’s possible to share only the immediate history of a group chat, so if they wrote something weird about me early on, they could invite me without me seeing that.

I don’t think the others are close friends outside of work, but they have worked together for ages and know each other well as a result.

It’s not an issue of me not receiving information about career opportunities and the like. We are all established in our careers, 40 and older, and it’s a very collaborative job. It’s pretty much impossible to make oneself look good at the expense of others. In my review, our manager said that everyone told him that I’m a great addition to the team, and I’m not worried about being excluded from (male) networking opportunities because the job doesn’t work that way anyway. Their jobs are also super secure (in Europe, unionized), no reason to feel threatened by the newbie.

It’s also a job that attracts introverted, slightly awkward people (I include myself in that). My coworkers have pretty niche interests they can get very intense about, that I don’t necessarily share. I think they either just write about their nerdy stuff there and haven’t invited me because they rightly assume I wouldn’t be interested anyway, or else they talk really bad shit about our manager and don’t (yet) feel safe that I wouldn’t tell him if I saw that. In both cases I’m probably better off not being in that group chat, but I’m still feeling a little weird about being excluded. How long would you wait before saying something, if at all?

Do you want to be in the second group chat? If you don’t really care, I wouldn’t bother saying anything at all.

It’s very likely that one of the explanation is one of these, some of which you’ve already considered:

* they use it mostly for niche interests that they know or assume you don’t share

* they use it to shit-talk the boss and they don’t feel comfortable adding a new person to that (I wouldn’t normally assume this is the explanation, but it’s interesting that your boss himself described it that way, and it makes me curious whether you’ve noticed an unusual level of grumbling about the boss and/or whether he might be particularly frustrating to work for)

* they’re somewhat socially graceless and thus never thought about adding you

* something about the chat feels particularly male to them and they assume a woman wouldn’t be interested (this potentially covers a really wide range of things, from “90% of the chat is fantasy football and, rightly or wrongly, we assume that’s not your thing” to “there’s harassment in that chat”)

* they just feel closer to each other, having worked together longer, and it’s just their friend group chat and they don’t really see it as a second work chat

That said, if it’s bothering you, there’s no reason you can’t say, “Hey, is there a group chat for all of us except Frank, and can I get in on that if so?” If there’s some reason they don’t want to add you, they can say, “Oh, it’s literally all about ancient Roman military strategy and occasional falconry talk, we figured you wouldn’t be interested in it” or whatever.

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{ 86 comments }

{ 86 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Dspndnt*

    Are you an active participant in the group chat you’re in now? If you’re not, they may not ever have that mental prod to add you. (I say this as someone who has been left out of new chats before because I tend to let messages pile up/don’t respond regularly)

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    1. IndexMatchMe*

      My old job had exactly this – 2 gchat groups, one with the bosses and one without (literally named “w out [manager’s initials]”. I’d wager 99% that it just hasn’t crossed their minds – the fact you’re the first perm hire in a decade screams the cause is they blanked, not malice. Also tbh I’m a little surprised you don’t mention saying something! After describing the dynamics (seriously what I’d give to have colleagues that care about supporting onboarding!), I’m surprised. You mention you’re not concerned about missing relevant info – but how could you know what you’re missing via informal back channels? Raise it gently (I know some introverts can require a light touch at times) and get a temperature check on the sitch. And congrats on the new job!

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  2. constant_craving*

    First new team member in a decade makes me think they probably don’t have a process in place for making sure new people get added. I’d just work on the assumption that no one thought of it (or everyone assumed someone else was doing it) and ask to be added.

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    1. cindylouwho*

      Yeah, we recently added a person at my work for the first time in a long time, and no one thought to add them to the memes group chat for a couple of months by accident. Some didn’t think about it, and some thought someone else had already done it. Total accident.

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    2. Where is the Chat?*

      Is the group chat on personal cell phones or a company Slack? (At my job, Slack is not a thing.)

      I think this affects the answer.

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        1. Join the chat*

          The simplest way might be to just find something to send to the non-boss chat – anything not work related, doesn’t matter what, you just need the excuse – and message someone on the team, say you want to send along x/y/z, and ask if there’s already a non-boss chat in place or if you should start one. That’ll be their cue to add you.

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    3. Beth*

      Very much this. I’ve often found that I get added to non-work slack channels or groupchats pretty arbitrarily as I onboard. With work-based conversations, I get added because they need me there for work; with meme channels or pet photo shares or whatever, it’s just whenever it occurs to someone to put me in there.

      You have an advantage in that you know this chat exists! Loop back to the guy who originally mentioned it and ask if it’s still active. I bet he’d add you.

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    4. Dave*

      This absolutely happened at my work recently. A new person wasn’t added for several months simply because it was no one’s job description to update this informal chat and no one thought about it.

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  3. KateM*

    Also, if that chat has been there for ten years, they may have just not realized they should add you, especially if you were added to the all-inclusive group by the manager.

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    1. Snow Globe*

      Another possibility is that maybe they don’t actually use that chat much, if at all, which would also explain why they might not have thought of adding the LW.

      Reply ↓
    2. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

      Or the person who knows how to add people to the group chat is the one who left.

      Reply ↓
  4. Lexi Vipond*

    I read it as them all being in Europe, rather than the OP being on a different continent – the team goes to the office one week a month, and have lunch plans together. Did I miss something?

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  5. gwenjones*

    I was thinking that 4 months is long enough for them to add you if it’s a ‘you’re new’ thing, but you said there’s monthly in person meetings in the job- have you all only met four times? If so I’m leaning towards thinking they just don’t know you well enough yet.

    Regardless, you said that a future co-worker mentioned it during the hiring process? Can you go back to that co-worker and say, “Oh hey, I just remembered you said this, am I remembering right?”

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    1. Education Mic*

      Ya my guess would be they do some shit talking and they don’t feel like they know OP well enough to know how she’d feel about it…

      Reply ↓
  6. HB*

    It sounds like you have a good working environment. I would concentrate on that versus worrying about a private group chat. If you make it a thing, I guarantee it will backfire.

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      1. HB*

        I mean if she complains about it. It would have to be approached organically if it came up. Sometimes you’re not in every private group chat

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        1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

          Are you unable to have neutral conversations with others? Or are you being sexist?

          Directly asking about this 2nd chat she’s been told about isn’t “making it a thing” or “complaining”. It’s weird that you think that.

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  7. umami*

    I would probably just let it go. It doesn’t sound like you want or need to be in the other chat, so I would just put it out of my mind. If you ask to be added and they either hesitate or say no, are you going to feel better or worse?

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    1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      If she asks and they say, “Yes, we totally forgot! Thanks for the reminder!” will she feel better or worse?

      These Debbie Downers in the comments are weirding me out.

      Reply ↓
  8. Guest*

    Work group chats are Hell. We had to have our grandboss remind everyone not to include personal messages and pics because people’s phones were blowing up for 40 minutes or more about hobbies they had no interest in. LW is fortunate.

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    1. Jam on Toast*

      Notification settings can and should be adjusted for work groups and chats.

      My chat with my boss? I want the pop-up notifications.

      The workplace Health and Safety message board? I only get notifications if I’m directly tagged or @everyone is tagged.

      The recipe and food chat? All notifications muted.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lily Rowan*

        Yes – our pet pictures Teams channel is what got me to learn how to adjust my notification settings, and it’s perfect.

        Reply ↓
        1. mreasy*

          I love our pet pictures Slack channels the MOST, but also I would never enable Slack notifications (or email notifications, or kind of any notifications) on my phone.

          Reply ↓
  9. Marble Racers*

    We have two group chats at work, the boss and I are on one. The other five coworkers have a private chat – it’s mostly about their work which is very technical and while I’m sure I miss a few jokes/memes, I don’t need to get bogged down in the technical chat.

    But if your work is similar, you probably should be in the chat. The next time it’s mentioned casually say “oh, I must have missed that – could you add me to the group”?

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    1. Sloanicota*

      I agree that if OP decides to pursue it, this is the best way to do so – pick a time that it’s natural for it to be on your mind and be relatively casual about it. I bet you get added no problem.

      Reply ↓
  10. Justin*

    There was a group of women my age at one job who often got together for lunch. And I got it as a man but there was no one else my age. So at a holiday party I asked if I could join once. They said sure and they had assumed I wasnt interested.

    So then I went and it turns out they were mostly talking about Girls (the show) and I indeed was not interested (I actually went to school with Lena and Jemima so that’s a Whole Thing for me). But unless you think they’re unkind, just ask.

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    1. Possibly Unpopular*

      Your anecdote captures what I am thinking and wondering.

      You wanted to be included (FOMO?) and once you found out you realized you don’t want to be included.

      That’s a hard needle to thread because ultimately you’re concerned you’re missing out about “something” (waves hands) that could affect your professional life.

      Don’t really have an answer. As a co-worker, if I included you at your request only to find out you weren’t interested I would be put off.

      Reply ↓
    2. Sloanicota*

      I used to organize happy hours at my old workplace and always just invited whoever was around. I found out later that some people had built up quite a narrative in their heads about these happy hours, assumed that they were explicitly Not Invited, somehow felt they were more company-sponsored than they really were, and had been angsting to others about how to get invited. (Not relevant, but at least one of the people was someone I had initially invited several times who had always firmly declined so I stopped asking!). There was no vast conspiracy, no plan, and anyone could have said “I’d love to join you sometime” and immediately been on the list.

      Reply ↓
  11. Unicornbeach*

    Can you start a new chat with everyone but the boss and start by asking something simple like lunch spot recommendations? Then see if it sparks more conversation.

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    1. meara*

      This! Just start a new one and say “thought it might be nice to have a boss-less chat” and then something not super related (if you can think of anything the boss isn’t into or whatever). That way if they have their own secret chat they can just keep it up, or abandon it, as needed.

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    2. Yellow*

      Should have read the comments before commeting! I said the same thing below. This seems like such an easy way to resolve the issue!

      Reply ↓
      1. Juliawantscoffee*

        Well, the maniple system works better on rugged terrain, which is why the Romans adopted it during the Samnite wars.

        Reply ↓
        1. CanoeSage*

          The phalanx is also surprisingly workable in rough terrain though; Macedonia is mountainous. The maniple is still better in most circumstances, but Rome’s biggest advantages were at the operational and strategy level.

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          1. Elenna*

            Are you a fan of the “A Collection of Unmitigated Pedantry” (ACOUP) blog by any chance? That comment sounds like it comes straight out of ACOUP, lol (not a bad thing by any means).

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    3. Delta Delta*

      No kidding. I got to go falconing once and it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever gotten to do. Would absolutely go falconing again.

      Reply ↓
      1. Judge Judy and Executioner*

        A former mentee of mine was involved in falconry; she went to many Renaissance Fairs for demonstrations.

        Reply ↓
  13. AppleStan*

    I think you’re feeling excluded (understandable), but it’s not really a thing to worry about. .

    Given what you say that they actually do for you (answer all of my questions, take lots of time to explain stuff, include me in lunch plans, go out of their way to make sure I have the equipment I need, etc.), it doesn’t sound personal at all. I agree with another commenter that they just may not know you well enough yet…and I say this next part with appreciation for how you feel about the situation…they may not want to add you because you are new.

    You said they’ve worked together for “ages” — that sounds like 10 years or more to me. How I interact with someone I’ve known for 10+ years is not how I would interact with someone I’ve known for a few months. Maybe they don’t want you to be able to see the history that’s in the chat already. OR … they may just not have even thought about it.

    No matter what, speculating is gonna drive you nuts.

    Try this…”Hey, John (or whomever you’re ‘closest’ to), I was thinking of creating a group chat for just us team members, without the manager, unless you already have something like that going on?”

    How John (or whomever) reacts/responds will probably tell you what you need to know.

    I do agree with HB though…making it a thing will definitely backfire on you.

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      2. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

        Falernian wine, oysters, and a nice salad. No tomatoes — they didn’t make it to Europe till the 15th century.

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  15. ScottW*

    I have managed these sorts of group things in the past and while it’s possible they’re excluding you, I think it’s more likely that no one thought to add you and they didn’t think it odd that you weren’t participating. I have seen people get excluded (unintentionally) from these things many times. People are busy and forget to add you. A simple “Can I get in on the Frank-less group chat?” will likely provoke a “Huh? Aren’t you in that already?” I’ve seen it over and over again.

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    1. Dr. Vibrissae*

      This is where my mind went first. Especially likely if the second group chat is only used rarely, which may be the case with a manager that is pretty good.

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    2. Elizabeth West*

      Especially if it’s a bunch of nerdy dudes.

      Exjob had a social thing they did periodically (on premises) that involved alcohol. I was aware of it, but it took a while before someone invited me. I think they had to take my measure first. So it could also be that they’ve been waiting to get to know OP a bit before they extend an invitation.

      Reply ↓
  16. ScottW*

    This reminds me of when a manager asked me how I knew about something that was happening with another team member and I responded “Oh, we have a backchannel to talk about work among ourselves.” He was not happy that he wasn’t included in all the chat options.

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    1. umami*

      That is so weird. Of course we have a chat that doesn’t include our boss, we want to be able to talk things out before he has to be looped into certain issues. I can’t imagine anyone not thinking that was efficient.

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      1. ScottW*

        I can explain it. He told different people different things, which we realized when we talked. He always wanted people to talk directly to him so that people wouldn’t know that they were getting a different story from what he was telling other people.

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        1. ScottW*

          We tended not to let him know when we knew he was lying to us. We did document though. He eventually got kicked out.

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  17. Caz*

    The last three times someone joined my team, I had to remind the group chat admin to add them in. It was literally an oversight (the third time I did make a “come on, dude”-type comment). I’d just straight-up ask! The asking and the adding were totally non-awkward, just a quick “oh yeah, sorry!” then within 30 minutes there’s a notification in the chat that they’d been added.

    Reply ↓
    1. Wendy Darling*

      I’m having an issue right now where because of the complexities of the org chart, a colleague and I were not added to some email distros that everyone assumes we’re on. So people keep being confused that we haven’t seen emails they sent to “everyone”.

      They keep saying they’ll add us but it hasn’t happened yet…

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      1. tiny*

        A similar situation recently led to me demanding my coworker being invited to what turned out to be a layoff announcement meeting that didn’t affect her.

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      2. Caz*

        When I first started I wasn’t added to some dist lists and didn’t even realise it – how do you know you’re not getting some emails anyway? – until someone mentioned a social event that had been organised via a group mail. I made a small fuss about it and got added within a week. I’m sorry your org is messing you around more than mine did!

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  18. Heather*

    Not everything is for everyone and the LW doesn’t seem at any risk of missing out on opportunities. Let it lie.

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  19. Delta Delta*

    It’s a tension between not wanting to be excluded and the realities of being in yet another group chat. if it’s really all about work, OP should be included.

    Reply ↓
  20. Sloanicota*

    I’m on the other side of this, and I’m going to say it’s almost certainly not personal. I’m a member of a group that used to have an active group chat, but when new people came it was always a bit awkward trying to suss them out and see if they’d even want to be on the chat, and then if they rotated out of the group that was weird too, so now we don’t really add anyone anymore (and the chat is not very active these days – I myself dropped out of it). There’s no meaning except that everyone who came after X date isn’t on the chat. It has nothing to do with how much we like the person and we don’t use it to talk about anyone. That said, if it bugs you, definitely do ask!

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    1. Great Frogs of Literature*

      Yeah, I used to manage a chat for new hires in my department, because asking foolish-seeming questions in the big group could be intimidating, and it was always a struggle to remember to add people, even though I was also often the person adding them to all the other chats.

      At some point I’d been around maybe two years and asked, “Do y’all want me to drop out? I’m not really new anymore, but also I’m the person who answers most of the questions that get asked.” I honestly don’t remember what they said, but I don’t have that chat anymore. It wasn’t very active by the end — it was more useful when several of us were new at the same time, and the onboarding procedures weren’t as well-defined.

      Reply ↓
  21. Instant noodles*

    Having worked with several all male crews, there’s a high probability it’s because you’re the only woman and they share a lot of NSFW stuff. And/or they just didn’t think of adding you. Forcing your way in (when you’re not even sure you want to be included?) isn’t going to win you any points. Give them time.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      It would actually be a more interesting question if there was a definitive men-only workchat (so OP wasn’t just the newest staffmember/only one not in the chat) – I think that would be considered an issue with the workplace TBH. Definitely if all the men in the office are sharing X-rated stuff on this (company facilitated?) chat, which seems like an unkind assumption in this case, that would be a workplace issue. I’m not sure if it’s just a text thread, or if it’s only some and not all coworkers.

      Reply ↓
    2. Lenora Rose*

      Considering how many people here have pointed out alternative reasons, I think falling into this assumption is not going to do anyone any favours.

      Reply ↓
  22. tiny*

    I once worked at a company for MONTHS before anyone told me that there was a hundreds-of-people, company-wide WEEKLY happy hour. I thought they were going to a meeting or something when they all disappeared around the same time. And it wasn’t personal, people are just not paying attention.

    Reply ↓
  23. Llellayena*

    Never attribute to malice what you can attribute to apathy (paraphrased). I would assume anyone in the group chat who noticed you weren’t in it went “oh, someone else will add her” and thought nothing past that. Just ask one of you coworkers if you could be added. Possibly the person who told you about it during your interview/office tour.

    If it helps, I wasn’t added to the all-office emergency text list for several months. It took a huge storm, a week long power outage and me walking to the office every day (my standard commute was walking, it wasn’t a huge effort for that) until I ran into someone there who let people know I needed to be added to get me on that.

    Reply ↓
  24. Yellow*

    Why not just start a chat with them? Then they have the old one if they want to use it, but you show you are interested in talking with them as a group (without the boss).

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  25. Less Bread More Taxes*

    I think you should ask to be added. I was in almost this exact scenario when I joined my current company, and I wish I had said something sooner. I’ll spare all the details, but basically, there could be actual work chatter in there that you need or should know about. For example, if someone is calling out sick, they might mention it in that chat. If there are after work activities, you’ll want to be invited to them. If people are dividing project work, there might be some chatter about that that could be relevant to you.

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  26. Lenora Rose*

    As a femme woman… despite never having lived in a place where it was possible (and fearing I lack the necessary discipline*) I have to say a group chat which occasionally dropped into falconry talk would absolutely be my jam.

    * As I understand it, falcons are not an animal where you could easily hire someone to take care of them, and not just due to the scarcity of falconers these days. They require special handling for anyone but their prime handler to do anything more than hunt with them, so if you have a falconer handling them, they’re the falconer’s birds primarily, and yours only in legal deed. People who do falconry say they are very much in the “If you have a fever of 104, or are in hospital with an amputated leg, you STILL try to get to the mews” level of care.

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  27. Ess Ess*

    Why not just contact the person that originally told you about it during your interview? Just say to the person, “You mentioned there was a group chat without the boss. How do I get added to that chat?” Since he told you about it originally, it wouldn’t be out of line to ask him about it.

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  28. JAnon*

    If you want a chat with all of them – start one! Set it up as a way to discuss things before they need to be discussed with your boss. More than likely, they just haven’t thought to add you and this may make them realize.

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  30. 1-800-BrownCow*

    I have 2 additional thoughts/reasons to add, especially since I’m the only woman on an all male team:

    1) They’re men and none of them have noticed/thought to add you or they’re all assuming someone else will. This seems to be typical with various male teams I’ve worked on before.

    2) Someone(s) on the team may not be comfortable with adding a woman to the group chat or may have a spouse who would not want you part of the group chat. This one seems more far-fetched since you’re on the chat with the boss, but possibly they’re spouse is okay with that one because it’s for work and with the boss. But I can say I’ve definitely worked with men who won’t do individual/group chats with female coworkers either because of their old-fashioned ways (which I take issue with) or because a jealous spouse. Not right in my opinion, but I can’t force them to change their mind.

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  31. Sparkles McFadden*

    You can ignore the chat but I would ask about it to make sure they’re not having work discussions you need to know about on the chat. Here’s my personal experience in the same situation.

    – They definitely forgot to add me because they were clods.

    – Once I pointed this out, two guys stated that they didn’t want me in the group chat because they felt like they could not speak freely with me there. The other guys blew up at the two guys who said that. One guy said he *wanted* me in the chat because he thought it would make those two guys be less disgusting. (Not my job, dude. Speak up yourself!)

    – I told them that they did not have to add me as long as they did not discuss work things on there…but I was still annoyed about it all. It’s never fun to be purposefully excluded.

    – I got excluded from multiple social events because they discussed them in that chat. Then, after the fact, some of them would say “Why didn’t you come with us to that event.” I’d reply with “What event?” As I said, they were clods and somehow didn’t realize that the planning only went on in that exclusionary chat.

    – One guy started a new chat for activity planning. Hilariously, he excluded the guys who didn’t want me in the other chat. He added them after they complained, but I rather appreciated his actions. (“I excluded you? You have a problem with being left out like that? Why?”)

    I stopped hearing about the old channel. I think they kept it for NSFW stuff. I was fine with that.

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  32. Emmet Dash*

    One of the most depressing things about adulthood is realizing socializing is still all about cliques.

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  33. Baunilha*

    This letter could’ve been written by me a few years ago, when I joined my previous job. Everyone else had been working together for a while and as the newbie, I knew my coworkers had I group chat that I wasn’t in. It made me feel very lonely for a while.
    I was too awkward to say anything at the time, but eventually I was invited to join in. I think they didn’t do it sooner because 1) I was an unknown quantity, so they didn’t know how I was going to react to what as said in the chat and 2) they just didn’t think of it.
    That group chat was mostly memes and everyday chitchat, but since some people used it to share more personal news (like one of them having a miscarriage), I understand them not wanting to add someone they didn’t trust yet.

    A caveat: in my case, we were all women. Since OP’s coworkers are male, maybe that changes things.

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  35. MicroManagered*

    I manage a team like this. Three who’ve worked together in multiple jobs for over a decade and one newbie. I know the 3 have a social chat without the 4th, but there’s nothing for me or anyone else to DO about that information. The 3 also have individual chats with each other, social chats with former coworkers who are now on other teams, etc. It’s just part of the modern work-world I think.

    It sounds like you aren’t even sure the chat exists, so as long as they’re treating you normally in in-person situations and it’s not hindering your ability to work, hypothetical chats that don’t include you are really none of your business. In your shoes, I would try my hardest to remember that, as much as I understand why it stings. I feel like I’m just now figuring out what the phrase “other people’s opinions of me are none of my business” means in my forties… so believe me, I get it!

    If you want to be included in a chat with your team, but without your manager, then why not just start one? Just say something like “Hey I started this chat without Fred because I want to ask about XYZ before I involve him” or post a meme and say “I wasn’t sure if I should put this in a chat that Fred can see” (since someone will mention it if I don’t — obviously use good judgment with that).

    Reply ↓

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