I ghosted my ex, and she’s about to be my new boss

by Alison Green on August 22, 2017

A reader writes:

I was hoping you would be able to help me with a conundrum I got myself into.

I have been an expat since graduating and have been moving a lot. More than a decade ago, when I was still young, I was in a relationship with a woman, Sylvia, in a country where we both lived. Sylvia wanted to settle down but I was not ready to commit so young. We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do and, well, I ghosted her. Over the Christmas break, while she was visiting her family, I simply moved out and left the country. I took advantage of the fact that I accepted a job in other country and did not tell her about it. I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama. Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.

Anyhow, fast forward to now. I now work as a math teacher in an international school. I have been in other relationships since, so Sylvia is a sort of forgotten history. Sadly, till now. This week, I learnt that our fantastic school director suddenly resigned due to a serious family situation and had to move back to her home country over the summer. The school had to replace her. We are getting a new director. I read the bio of the new boss and googled her and was shocked to discover it is Sylvia. We have not been in touch and do not have any mutual friends anymore. I am not a big fan of social media and had no idea what she had been up to since the unpleasant situation a long time ago.

I have no idea what to do and how to deal with this mess. It is clear this will be not only embarassing but I will also be reporting to my ex. I am not in a position to find another job at present. There are no other international schools so finding another job in this country is not an option. Even finding a job elsewhere is not possible on such a short notice. These jobs usually open for school terms so I have to stay put for few months. But more importantly, I am happy and settled here so do not want to move. To make the situation worse, the expat community here is very small and tightly knit so teachers also socialize a lot.

Do you have any suggestions for me how to handle it and what should I do? I understand that this would not have happened if I did not ghost her back then, but I cannot do anything about it now. I gathered from the comments that readers usually have a go on people like me for “bad behavior” but I am really looking for constructive comments how to deal with the situation.

Ooof. I wrote back and asked, “How long were you in the relationship with her?”

We were together for three years and lived together for two of those years. I know that ghosting is not a way to end the relationship but I cannot do much about it now. I appreciate the trouble you are taking with getting back to me.

Double oof.

If you had ghosted her after a month of dating, it would have been rude but potentially salvageable. A month of dating more than a decade ago isn’t likely to loom very large for most people, emotionally. And ghosting after a short amount of time dating shouldn’t generally be devastating. Rude and frustrating, but not devastating.

But you were together for three years, and you lived together! And then you disappeared with no word? That’s some serious emotional destruction that you inflicted there. I’m not surprised that she contacted your family and friends; she was probably worried about whether you were alive or not! (Really, think about it. If you came home one day and your long-time partner was gone and had left no note, would you just shrug and go on with your life, or would you try to figure out if she were okay or not? Obviously I don’t know the details and maybe it moved into boundary-crossing inappropriateness, but you can’t expect to disappear on a long-term partner with no note or anything and not have them try to find out if you’re okay. Exceptions made for abuse, of course, but that doesn’t sound like the case here.)

I say all that to make the point that this is a pretty big deal. Normally I’m a fan of people putting aside personal emotions in order to conduct themselves professionally, but I don’t even know what that would look like for Sylvia in this situation. She’s most likely going to be shocked and horrified when she finds out that you work at her school, and that she’s supposed to manage you.

I don’t know that you can salvage this! It’s not reasonable to ask Sylvia to manage someone who she has this history with. You can try and see what her take on it is, but I’d be prepared to have to move on, whatever that might look like for you. I get that it’s going to be inconvenient — maybe even quite hard — but there may not be an alternative here.

Your best chances of an okay outcome are probably to contact Sylvia ahead of time to let her know you work there so that she’s not blindsided by it on her first day. Acknowledge that you made a terrible mistake when you disappeared, say that you’re very sorry for the hurt and alarm you must have caused her, and say that you realize that neither of you are in a great position to work together now. Ask her if she’d like to talk about what to do. (Beyond that, I’d avoid sounding like you’re presuming anything about how she’ll feel now, since who knows — best case scenario, if she actually can work with you now, she might be offended that you’d think she couldn’t.)

Be aware that apologies are going to sound pretty hollow and self-interested now, since you had 10 years to apologize and are only doing it now that she’s in a position of power over you. But acknowledging your behavior is better than not acknowledging it at all. (This is a theme with letters this year!)

I don’t know what will come of doing it. But you’re going to have to have the conversation with her eventually, so you might as well get it started and begin moving toward whatever the consequences here are going to be.

Read an update to this letter here.

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  1. Anonymous Poster*

    What an unenviable situation. First, kudos for recognizing what you did was not ok and being up front. Alison’s right that this is something you should attempt to head off before it becomes even worse and be up front about it. It’s the mature, professional thing, and sets you both up to figure out where to go from here in a calmer environment, and not in the hectic first few days of a new school year.

    It’s also highly likely that this is a situation where you will need to look for other employment, especially given the presumed depth of your relationship and how it ended.

    Good luck. I hope you’re able to land on your feet.

    1. Cambridge Comma*

      In the international school system it might work out if the school can’t afford to be out a teacher.

      1. Adlib*

        I think this is pretty true. My sister works at an international school, and they are generally pretty flexible because they have to be. That said, I have no clue what they could work out in this situation.

      2. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

        This honestly might be on the only saving grace here. But I am not sure OP has really thought through the consequences of staying.

        OP, not only will you have to find a way to work with Sylvia after the horrendous ordeal you put her through, WHEN your tight-knit community of coworkers finds out, it will reflect very poorly on you. Your relationships will likely suffer. If you speak about it to them they way you have here, you will make it even worse.

        You need to start adjusting the way you are thinking about what you did and the aftermath – pronto. You did not “ghost” her – you abandoned your live-in partner. She was (very likely) not obsessive by tracking you down and trying to get information from your friends and family – she was just trying to find out why her life had been inexplicably put into turmoil. (And if your friends and family gave her any grief about trying to find out and were 100% on your side, I have to wonder what story you spun them to make it so.)

        Though I don’t think you should talk to your coworkers about this anymore than to say “I made a huge mistake 10 years ago and it hurt Sylvia and for that I am deeply regretful, but I think it best I not discuss it further to prevent more damage. But what happened and her feelings about it are entirely on me.” – if you do decide to talk about it in the same terms as you have used here, you risk not only making yourself look bad, but also damaging this woman’s reputation right as she is starting a new position in an authoritative role. You have caused her enough harm – do not do more harm by continuing the narrative that she became obsessive.

        I urge you to do some deep soul searching and reflection, truly understand what you did and the pain you caused, and try and find some actual remorse about it (because I don’t get the sense here that you truly understand what you did, what the reaction was, nor that you feel even remotely sorry). After that, reach out to Sylvia and put the ball in her court. How does she want to proceed? If it means your leaving – well, unfortunately that is the price you are going to have to pay. It sucks. But so does what you did to her.

          1. caligirl*

            +100 Someone who ghosted me after 4 months over a year ago now works at my company and just moved into my program office and I get irked about 25% of the time. The other 75% I’m too busy to notice them. But still, unnecessarily irking me when all it would have taken is 1 minute of being a decent human being!

        2. Say what, now?*

          This is so on it. You don’t seem to understand that it was possibly the most painful way you could end things and with someone who gave you 3 years of their life. It’s so important for you to register than and then to apologize, apologize, apologize.

          I would do the best I could to make this workable for the duration of the school year and then pursue another post at another school. I know you were settled here and liked it, but you might consider giving up this place as the penance you have to do for your younger callousness.

        4. The Voice of Reason*

          While OP’s ending of his relationship may have been…impolitic, I don’t think commenting on domestic relationships is within the purview of a blog on management. It is not our place to judge OP’s personal life.

          2. Forrest*

            I think commenting on his personal life is appropriate since this is both a personal and work question. The OP portrays Sylvia in an unflattering light and not only does that seem to be untrue considering the situation, it’s not going to help him if he goes into the situation thinking that and maybe even sharing that with coworkers.

          3. designbot*

            On the other hand OP is talking about how he just doesn’t feel like changing jobs because he just likes it where he is. He’s all about his convenience and comfort, but what about her convenience and comfort when he up and left without a word? My guess is that even if he had to change jobs, that would be less painful than what he did to her. It’s worth a reminder that sometimes we deserve what we get.

            1. Anonymous Poster*

              Respectfully, your response comes across as unproductive and judgmental. The point of this request is to address any possible mitigating actions from a career perspective. It doesn’t matter how much you or I may disagree with his past actions, it is not constructive to idly speculate the entirety of his motivation and then shame him. A tit-for-tat ‘justice’ or ‘karma’ oriented view as you expressed in your comment convolves the professional relationship with the private relationship. While it is undeniable that the gravity of the situation could render the separation of those two relationships impossible, there definitely are things he can do in attempt to alleviate some of the impending pressure between them.

          5. Traffic_Spiral*

            It wasn’t “impolitic” it was cowardly and cruel. “Ghosting” is something you do after a few dates that didn’t work out. He disappeared out of the country without telling the person he’d lived with for two years. What, did she just come home to find all his shit gone or something? That’s beyond ghosting, and going into fucked-up Gone Girl territory.

        5. D.W.*

          Thank you for saying this clearly, succinctly, and without disparaging the letter writer.

          LW, this is spot on. Please take this advice to heart and do some introspection.

        6. Ego Chamber*

          “You did not “ghost” her – you abandoned your live-in partner.”

          Okay, you pin-pointed what bothered me about this letter: “ghosting” is for people you know online, someone you see very casually, or maybe someone you met on vacation. Once it crosses into “real life” and you have to physically move house to extricate that person from your life, leaving them can’t be called “ghosting.”

          2. Mallory Janis Ian*

            Not just minimizing what he did, but disingenuously placing it in a lesser category of offense.

          3. EK*

            I don’t know how he could possibly have handled it worse. Perhaps faking his own death? Did he even leave a letter explaining he was leaving? Treating people this callously doesn’t just reflect poorly on your personal life, it speaks to a fundamental character flaw. One that is evidently still present.

          4. Gadget Hackwrench*

            I’d extend it even to say, someone you are dating as long as it’s the kind of dating where you are still making actual DATES to go to a movie or dinner or whatever, and you know… you don’t have so much as a toothbrush at their place. But srsly. You can’t ghost someone you live with. I mean… not only did this person end the relationship, but presumably also left Sylvia with a greater fiscal burden than they were expecting, possibly even more than they were capable of handling, considering most people who live together select their domicile based on COMBINED income, and split the bills….

        8. AJ*

          Karma in action.

          The letter writer clearly is selfish in many capacities, both personal and professional.
          Some major soul searching is needed but I suspect he is incapable of doing that.
          Sounds like it’s time for to look for another teaching job and allow Sylvia her rewards.

          1. Anonymous Poster*

            To be frank, positioning the possibility of him moving as “her rewards” is a false equivalency. To imply that her opportunity to take this position of leadership is somehow payment in return for the emotional damage sustained from their relationship 10 years ago makes zero professional sense. It only makes sense from a private, personal relationship perspective.

            I agree that the writer is painted in a very poor light, but just saying “karma” doesn’t solve anything. It is disparaging.

        10. Steph*

          I honestly enjoyed your response more than I did the original answer. Very helpful and 100% true. Very great advice

        14. Stephen Dimmick*

          I suggest growing a pair with ALL your relationships and showing up like a person of dignity and respect for others. This behaviour is neither professional or personable! Head it off at the pass immediately!

      2. Snarkus Aurelius*

        Thanks for this. You don’t get kudos for recognizing bad behavior, especially when you’ve done nothing to rectify it until things got inconvenient.

        1. Anonymouse*

          True.

          Ghosting is normally defined as a gradual breakaway from a relationship as opposed to what happened.

          If you’d been dating and not living together and had gradually been not answering calls, missing dates or not arranging them to the point both of you stopped trying then I’d say “yeah, not great but still kinda workable.”

          That’s not what happened. From her perspective you straight up disappeared without a trace. Were you kidnapped? With another woman? Injured or dead?Cross dressing and joining an all female band after witnessing a mob hit?

          Of course she was going to be devastated and look for you. And more devastated that there was no note, no official breakup conversation – as far as she knew everything was fine until bam! Gone. No recourse or closure.

          I’d feel betrayed, hurt, angry and so much more.

          If I were her, even if I could take the emotions out of it, as your boss I’d have serious questions about your judgment and interpersonal relationships with staff and students based on what I know of you.

          That’s best case scenario.

          Midcase scenario is she decides you two can’t/shouldn’t work together and you leave to find another job. Not fair but not worse than what she went through all those years ago.

          Worst case scenario is like that letter about that woman who had an affair with someone she worked with and the cheated on wife became her boss.

          The wife decided to make that persons life hell and they had to leave their job with nothing else lined up and no references from their old work.

          Alison’s right. Your best chance for the top two outcomes is to make contact now and apologise. But I’d also be job searching if I were you.

          2. Gadfly*

            And besides the emotional fallout, if OP just walked away, what was the financial fallout of their joint expenses? She came home and suddenly was 100% responsible for the rent of their shared space, for example. There is a lot of material harm disappearing could have caused as well.

            1. Hc600*

              My thought as well. I had an ex semi-ghost me when his other gf moved from being a secret online gf to main gf, but I did make some effort to get paid money he owed me, which he tried to paint as me being “crazy.” Nope dude, you demanded I book those hotel rooms and flights for US. Never got my money, but I feel zero guilt about trying via email and three phone calls.

            2. Ego Chamber*

              Speaking of fallout… I have severe trust issues and will never sign a lease for something I can’t afford on my own if necessary. I am currently living with my s/o, who I love very much, and trust very much, but we’re living in a house that’s well below what we could afford because it’s always in the back of my head that I need to be able to pay all expenses myself in case she decides to fuck off and leave me on my own (we’re both on the lease, but that didn’t stop the last guy, so… lessons learned).

              This isn’t a great way to live, and I hope Sylvia is in a better place, emotionally and financially, that I am right now.

              Tl;dr: I don’t want to pile on the OP, but he definitely seems to have not considered the full impact of his actions, and it’s super interesting to me that his first reaction was to just up and bail on the school/his current job… except he’s settled and it would be kind of difficult to do. (Think about this OP, and think about what it says about how you respond to potential conflict.)

              1. Megan*

                I feel similarly, but it’s more generalized anxiety about the what ifs that could leave me to pay it on my own (so including my partner leaving, but also losing their job, getting seriously ill and having to take leave from their job, dying, etc). I would be horrified if I had to end up footing two people’s worth of rent on my own.

            3. Holly*

              This is such a good point. I was “ghosted” in my early 20s by my boyfriend of 2 years. He emptied my bank account and disappeared off the face of the Earth. If it weren’t for emptying my bank account I might have convinced myself he was dead.

              At the time I only had $2000 to my name but I had credit cards and other bills to pay that I suddenly couldn’t pay. I ended up behind on credit card payments and bills. I was hit with bounced check fees, late charges, and overdraft charges to my bank account, and was suddenly fully responsible for bills we split. I ended up being in such a huge hole I couldn’t get out of it for a very long time. It destroyed my credit and basically ruined my life for a while.

              The emotional aspect was also extremely difficult. But I don’t think many people think about the financial impact that goes with this sort of thing.

          3. Susana*

            Yes – except that this is much worse than the cheated-on wife situation. It was cheating husband who betrayed a commitment he made to his wife. The co-worker behaved badly but it’s not the same thing as what LW did in the current situation.
            There’s really nothing else to do here but reach out to her, apologize, say there is no excuse for what you did, that you hope you are a better person now, but that you really understand if she simply cannot deal with you every day – let alone trust you – and that you are ready to resign if she would prefer

            1. Not So NewReader*

              To me this is the best route to go. And, OP, don’t say it in the hopes that she will be a big person about it and say, “oh, you don’t have to do that.” Plan on leaving.

            2. Anonymouse*

              Oh I agree.

              I’m just saying there is a chance that Sylvia might become vindictive and make your work life hell.

              And it would not entirely be unwarranted.

              But here’s hoping Sylvia is a bigger woman than that.

                1. Gadfly*

                  It is very possible for a manager to legally make a subordinate’s work life hell and still remain exceedingly professional about it. In fact, being scrupulously professional about it is possibly the very best way to make a person’s life hell.

        2. MCMonkeyBean*

          Yeah, they don’t seem to be sorry at all, just worried about how it will now impact them. To suggest that it’s “obsessive” for your live-in partner of three years to try to figure out wtf happened when you abandoned them and *moved out of the country* is ridiculous.

      3. michelenyc*

        +1 I have been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment from someone that supposedly cared for me 2 years ago. While I did not react as Sylvia it was still one of the most painful and devastating things to go through.

        1. Jesca*

          It really is. The anger and resentment takes so much longer to get over when someone chooses to act this way.

        2. phillykate*

          +1 you and me both. It has affected every relationship I have had to this day. I don’t think I can even adequately describe the emotional and mental damage it does to someone.

          1. Oryx*

            +1

            It happened almost a decade ago and I’m quite happily with another person, but it took me years before I could date again and still creeps up in unexpected ways even now.

            1. michelenyc*

              +1 Me too! I actually get really frustrated with myself that I am holding on to this. Even after therapy I still have some rough days!

            2. Cactus*

              Same. My college boyfriend of more than two years at the time did this almost a decade ago, and it crushed a lot of my trust for people. After him, I was even more of an anxious mess when dating. Even when my now-husband and I moved in together, for the first few months, every time I would come home from a grad school class, I would be afraid that he wouldn’t be there. It really messed with my self-worth, is what I’m saying.

        3. aebhel*

          Yep.

          And while I at least like to think that I’d be able to work civilly with my ex now, 12 years or so since it happened, I don’t know that I’d be able to adequately manage them. Unless there’s some way to ensure that OP reports to someone else, which it doesn’t sound like there is, I think they’re going to have to move on.

        4. LSP*

          I don’t want to jump on OP, because he knows full-well that this behavior is not ok. I had someone break up with me over the phone after three years together, and I thought that was cold. What OP did was beyond the pale.

          I think this stands as a lesson that makes the “Golden Rule” one for the ages.

          1. Mary*

            I’m not sure he does! He’s talking about it very much in terms of “I regret it now it’s made work awkward for me”, rather than recognising that he did something completely sociopathic and traumatic to Sylvia.

            (I don’t know if sociopathic is the right word here, and if anyone’s got a better one I’ll happily accept it. What I mean is that what he did and the way he talks about it years later suggests that he doesn’t really see other people as real: everything in this is about the impact that his actions have had on him, with only the most cursory suggestion that it might have been unpleasant for Sylvia.)

            1. Jessica*

              How about “cold-hearted” or “merciless”? All the implication with none of the armchair diagnosis.

            2. Tanya*

              Maybe it’s armchair diagnosis but sociopathic seems right especially after Mary clarifies why she used that word. Soooo maybe give her a break on being the word police.

              1. Policywank*

                If ever there were a case where an armchair diagnosis were warranted this is it. I was not prepared by the use of “ghosted” to learn that OP just dropped off the face of the earth with someone they’d been in a long term, live in relationship with.

                1. Marie*

                  This is off-topic, my apologies, so please delete if inappropriate, Alison.

                  Mental health professional here for a “The More You Know” moment!

                  Sociopath and psychopath are terms that have no clinical relevance; there are no mental health diagnoses called “sociopath” or “psychopath.” There are inventories that have been developed to assess “psychopathic traits,” but those are used as one piece of a comprehensive assessment to rule out or rule in possible diagnoses, the same way a high score on the SAT doesn’t get your diagnosed with anything but may rule out or in diagnoses relating to cognitive functioning. So, you aren’t actually armchair diagnosing, because these aren’t diagnoses at all (and if somebody with diagnosing authority uses those words in a clinical setting, find another therapist, they should know better).

                  “Sociopath” and “psychopath” are essentially lay person terms, like calling somebody “crazy.” And, similar to that, it can be considered an ableist slur, as people with certain personality disorders or those on the autism spectrum often find themselves on the receiving end of those terms. There is also a small mostly online movement of people who have adopted those terms for themselves, arguing that they are neurodivergent individuals who deserve a place in society as much as anybody, and that they often grow up with the same confusion about “what’s wrong with me?” that other neurodivergent people face.

                  There is a pretty deep fascination with sociopaths and psychopaths in our culture, and as such, those are terms that come with a lot of cultural and sociological baggage attached that is quite complex and ever-changing. Because they *are* terms that come with such weight and stigma attached, I highly recommend people dig into some of that cultural and sociological baggage to make an informed choice about where and when to use those words.

                  *cue The More You Know animation*

        5. mazzi*

          Same. Not quite as bad, but same sort of sudden move out, although at that point he was so awful and abusive, I was glad to see him go. We do actually work in the same industry, but unlikely we’ll ever be in this situation. I think if I were Sylvia, I would probably want an incredibly honest, incredibly overdue apology, making sure literally 0% of the blame gets put on me and he takes responsibility for all his wrongs and follows it up with an offer to do whatever he can to make this situation better.
          I don’t really see this situation ending without him leaving the job, and frankly it’s a great example that you reap what you sow in unexpected ways.

      4. Candy*

        Seriously. After 3 years together he moved out and left the country without so much as a note and still thinks her trying to track him down was her being “obsessed”?? Hell yeah she deserved to cause various scenes with his parents and friends. I don’t get the feeling he recognizes just how not okay what he did was.

        I don’t know how he can deal with this professionally, but I feel really bad for Sylvia having this overshadow the excitement of a new job.

          1. Jesca*

            Oh my goodness! That sounds wrong. I meant “creep” as in the action of creeping and not calling the OP a creep. I don’t know you personally, OP! Can’t say that!

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              That’s why Alison’s advice to contact her first is valuable–this is a surprise that everyone involved wants her to respond to in private.

            2. Tyrion*

              You don’t need to know someone personally to say whether they’re a creep. Case in point: Donald Trump.

              Ghosting (especially to this degree) is the behavior of a creep, and making no attempts to rectify it until it might inconvenience him only compounds it.

                1. SarahKay*

                  Surely, regardless of politics, some of Donald Trump’s tweets place him firmly in the category of creep.

                2. Ego Chamber*

                  @SarahKay Part of wanting to keep politics off this blog is the tendency of idiot fanbois to show up and defend their “cause,” whenever political topics or individuals get name-checked.

                  It’s usually just safer to not invoke mention Voldemort Topics, to keep unrelated threads from being derailed for now and always. :)

                4. SarahKay*

                  Ego Chamber, you make an excellent point. I had thought (indeed do think) that the comment wasn’t necessarily political, but I absolutely see your point that he’s just too big a bone of contention and any name check risks a total derail into a huge political row. Thank you :)

            3. Pomona Sprout*

              Well, he is a CREEP, based on what he wrote ti Allison all by his own little morally stunted self. If the shoe fits……….

        2. Gee Gee*

          Yes, I don’t understand this reaction of calling her obsessive. Is it desirable to have a significant other not GAF if you go missing? He seems totally unable to grasp that she didn’t KNOW why he was gone.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I’d suggest that the OP think about what they would do if their SO just vanished. Just look at the news on any given day of people who are just gone, no longer anywhere in sight. Danish police found a headless torso, oh yeah, arms and legs were gone, too, OP. Jeepers for all your SO knew something like that could be you.

          2. Mallory Janis Ian*

            You could have been in a pit being fattened up for someone’s skin suit, and you wouldn’t like for someone to notice you’re gone and perhaps look for you?

          3. whingedrinking*

            For me it’s the whole “I didn’t want to deal with drama or feelings” thing that whacks me in the face. Because leaving a note, sending an email, hell, shooting off a text message – all of those would have been too much work. Nope, easier to just ~*vanish*~ and then call a woman crazy for not interpreting “boyfriend disappears with a trace” as “guess I’ve been dumped”.

      5. Anonymous Poster*

        Maybe my experience with people who instead would write in with a, “This person I used to date started working with me and is so weird about it! I didn’t do anything, they completely flew off the handle, and now I’m bearing the consequences for them being crazy!” is showing here. Some people are so self-unaware that they’d never recognize the event(s) that led to the bad feeling here, and that the letter writer at least recognizes their role in the whole uncomfortableness of the situation is where I want to give kudos. Looking back I can see where that would be misunderstood though… sorry about my ambiguity.

        I don’t know Sylvia well enough to say whether this is salvageable, though, and it’s better to eliminate the uncertainty of what will happen here by addressing it now instead of in the midst of the school year starting up (assuming that it hasn’t yet started).

        1. LSP*

          I agree. OP is doing better than a lot of people do in terms of owning his actions.

          I had an ex (mentioned in a comment above) who broke up with e during a phone call after 3 years together. After that: no contact for six years, until one day he reaches out on FB. He doesn’t apologize for how things ended, doesn’t even ask me how I’m doing. Instead, he tells me he misses talking to me, and would I like to meet him for coffee?

          Ummm…. no.

          OP understands (and likely understood at the time) that this was not the mature, adult way to end a relationship. He is owning it and just looking for a way to salvage the current situation. It may not be salvageable, and OP will have to carefully consider his next move.

          1. Dust Bunny*

            I don’t really feel like he’s owning it. I’d say he’s still trying to figure out how to answer as little as possible for it.

          2. Desdecardo*

            It was far from being just not mature or adult. It was psychologically cruel.

            He never owns up to what he did. He realizes, now, after potentially facing a show down, that he has to do something to save his job.

            In his letter he doesn’t mention the length of time they were together and he was cavalier about how it ended, placing blame on her not himself.

            The OP saw a convenient way out that would affect him the least. And only addressed it when it became an issue.

            He steam rolled Sylvia’s life. In most regions being together and living together for that long makes you common law.

            Also, ghosting is gradual. Abandonment is sudden. Sylvia didn’t go nuts. She had the genuine emotional desire to try to find if he was ok.

            The OP should NOT tell his co-workers this. Apologize to Sylvia and drop it. Let her sift through the reopened scars. Then do the responsible thing and work through your shame. The guilt for abandoning a committed relationship like you did is very high.

            You don’t want to tell anyone besides Sylvia, is because you let the cat out of the bag with hinting that something bad happened in the past and it always comes out.

            A knucklehead move, which is what the OP did, looses you all your possible respect. This will get out. You will loose friends. No one will acknowledge your presence. It’s better to keep any knowledge of this between the two parties involved.

            1. Sean*

              Actions have consequences. The OP clearly has lived a very happy life up until now not dealing with the consequences of his actions.

              He isn’t owning anything, he’s now aware that he has to face up to the reality of what he did. Until now he’s lived in ignorance, and it seems actually considered his ex as irrational for not just walking away coldly like he did.

              Had he, say five years ago, reached out to her with no response, maybe I’d have had some sympathy for him, but this is all in self interest. He risks losing his circle of friends and his job. Try to make amends when none of that is at stake and you are owning your actions, do it now and you are as much of a coward as always.

          3. Counter Voice*

            Yeah, no.

            ‘Owning’ is when you’ve taken the lids off and upended the salt, pepper, and sugar all over the table, acknowledged the behaviour and the mess, apologised, cleaned it up, and refilled the condiments, tipped the waiters above-&-beyond, and apologised again.

            He’s acknowledged he upended it. But he’d rather you didn’t focus too closely on the pile of seasonings and lack of reasoning, puts a napkin over it, and resents the waiters and their confounded questions.

            And now he wants advice on how to keep eating there.

            1. Escapee from Corporate Management*

              I agree with Counter Voice and many others. There is ZERO ownership here. What I see is the following:
              1. OP withheld information from the post that would put him in a bad light
              2. OP uses demeaning terms (e.g., obsessive) to describe the person he abandoned and describes actions in such a way as to make her look bad.
              3. OP never indicates that he wants to make amends because it’s the right thing to do.
              4. OP is simply trying to save his job so he doesn’t have to leave a situation he likes.

              This is not ownership. It’s selfishness. No sympathy here. If you do lose your job, you will not be the victim.

          4. IntoTheSarchasm*

            He isn’t owning it in any way, he is being forced to admit it by circumstances and is finding it very inconvenient to do so. His calling her “obsessive” is very telling and indicative that he has over time diminished his cruelty and the effect he had on her. His past actions and his past actions alone put him in this situation regardless of his youth, inexperience or sense of responsibility at the time and he is now paying for it.

      7. all aboard the anon train*

        Seriously. This is more than just ghosting. It’s abandonment and calling her reaction “emotional” is some serious gaslighting.

        3. Meg*

          100% agree! Ghosting is stopping replying to someone’s texts after 5 dates, it’s not moving to another country whilst they’re out of the house for a week…

          2. But you don't have an accent*

            Right, like I was a professional ghoster throughout college and early 20s. But literally, it was with people that I’d been seeing for less than 2 months, and usually only had 2 or less dates with.

            There was one person I ghosted after a longer period of time…a month and a half. And that’s because I had met his ex girlfriend out at a bar and it turned out he had an illicit drug problem (and he had lied to me about it). So I didn’t feel bad about that one.

        4. Yikes!*

          There’s a sliiiiight chance that she really did do something inappropriate but I get the sense that they think basically any response from her was emotional and you can bet I’d be freaking out if someone left me after 3 years together, 2 years living together just outta nowhere.

          Nothing about what they said makes me think they actually take ownership or feel bad about it and I’d laugh more about how hilarious it is that this woman they hurt is now in a position of power over them but unfortunately, the whole thing means she now has to deal with this terrible baggage while starting a new job.

        5. Sylvan (Sylvia)*

          +1

          P.S. – The (Sylvia) in my username is the handle I’ve used on here for a few months. No relation to the Sylvia in the story!!

      9. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        Yeah; I’m not going to congratulate OP on this. We can blame it on immaturity, but representing Sylvia as unwell, hysterical, or overly attached for (1) wondering what happened, (2) causing “scenes,” and (3) contacting friends and fam to inquire about OP indicates to me that OP does not understand how terrifying, devastating, and likely scarring this was for S.

        1. Jesca*

          I mean even my horrible ex from high school tried to apologize to me over the years since. I feel like OP never even bothering to reach really shows that they really lack a major understanding of what they did! And I think if I were in this *close knit* community of people, I would seriously question hiring a person who could do this and then be so caviler about it even now. I hope they have changed and I hope they have built a history of being reliable and rational since, because if this gets out, people may not look kindly on OP.

        2. Morning Glory*

          The OP also shows no sign of actual remorse. He acknowledges it’s wrong the way I acknowledge pushing past people who stand on the left of the escalator is wrong… like sure, it’s wrong but it’s also kind of their fault, right? That attitude is so horrifying and cold for a betrayal of this magnitude. It also seemed more designed to forestall a harsh comments section, like a disclaimer he put up there will an eye-roll. ‘yes it was wrong, but let’s not focus on that part. Back to helping me fix it with zero inconvenience to me…’

            2. RGB*

              Hahaha except when you’re from a country where you stand on the left (I think it’s to do with which side of the road you drive on)….was very confusing why I was annoying people when I moved to North America.

        3. High Score!*

          We don’t know, maybe Sylvia was toxic and OP didn’t know how to break it off due to immaturity. ? I once had a coworker in a relationship with an increasingly toxic female who became overbearing, then controlling, tried too separate him from family and friends, etc, yeah women do that too. When she finally went out of town, he called all his friends to help him move out and got a restraining order. He knew simply trying to have a let’s break up discussion would end up in at best screaming and destruction and possibly violence.
          We don’t know what OP was dealing with, so let’s give the benefit off the doubt.
          That being said if she tends to be dramatic or toxic and hasn’t grown up, then his chances of making this work are slim.

          1. Katie the Fed*

            That’s a pretty remarkable stretch to assume that she somehow deserved this treatment. There’s NO excuse for this that makes it ok to not even leave a note. He doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt. Best he can do is try to mitigate the consequences.

            1. JoeStevens*

              Also, if she was abusive, OP would have said so. That would have actions a (tiny) bit more understandable.

            2. aebhel*

              I mean, there are excuses, but it doesn’t sound like any of them was the case here. This is how you treat a person when you’re legitimately afraid of them, not when you just want to avoid a messy breakup.

              1. aebhel*

                ETA: …and if he was legitimately afraid that Sylvia would become dangerous, that would be his concern about working with her, not that she might still be mad about this.

            3. KellyK*

              Absolutely. I think “I escaped my abusive ex by fleeing the country and now she’s my boss” would be a much different letter. We don’t have to guess and speculate about the reasons for the break-up, because the OP *tells* us. She got more serious than he was, and they didn’t want the same level of relationship. We also don’t have to guess why he left the way he did, because, again, he tells us he wanted to avoid drama.

              I’m all for benefit of the doubt, but the doubt needs to actually exist.

          2. SarahTheEntwife*

            Given the amount of detail in the letter and the amount to which the LW seems to think that what they did was an understandable gaffe, it would be incredibly weird for them not to mention that Sylvia was abusive.

          3. E.R*

            If this were the case, his worries in this scenario would be very different. It doesn’t seem like he has any problem with Sylvia other than the bad feelings he gets for what he did to her.

            1. Hc600*

              “Understandable gaffe” makes me imagine this scenario as written by Oscar Wilde with OP played by Hugh Grant.

          4. Guus*

            You say ‘give the benefit of the doubt’ without every giving her that. You assume her guilt and his innocence even though he has had years to say anything, even though he acknowledges that his actions are bad though he doesn’t show real remorse, and even though his saying that Sylvia’s actions became ’emotional’ only after he disappeared without a trace.

          5. Dr Pepper*

            “Sylvia wanted to settle down but I was not ready to commit so young. We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do and, well, I ghosted her.”

            &

            “I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama. ”

            A) It’s pretty clear what happened – in his own words, the OP jumped ship and abandoned her because he “was not ready to commit” and “simply wanted to avoid being untangled [sic] in a break-up drama”.

            B) Wanting to settle down with someone three years into a relationship – especially when you’ve been living together for two of them – isn’t really the same thing as “toxic” and your comment is really reaching in trying to suggest that it is.

            C) I’m side-eyeing you pretty hard right now for your use of “toxic female”. Literally the only people I know who use “female” instead of “woman” are emergency responders, law enforcement, military, and MRA/Red Pill men. Just saying.

            I agree that his chances of making this work are slim, but that’s a completely reasonable consequence given his prior actions and treatment of Sylvia.

            3. Knit Pixie*

              I appreciate in your experience “literally the only people I know who use “female” instead of “woman” are emergency responders, law enforcement, military, and MRA/Red Pill men.”

              I ask you however, is there anything this poster could have said in place of female that would have sounded any better? Toxic Woman? Honestly I can see people taking an issue with that too.

              While I absolutely agree the OP letter had a distinct tone of “Sorry, Not Sorry”, I also see 1,500 comments (and counting) taking him to task for this.

              So I find it unfortunate that a reader wishing to share their own personal experience and perspective, risks sharp criticism for appearing to differ from the overwhelming consensus.

              If 1,499 people are already saying OP is an Irredeemable Sod, I can handle High Score! suggesting there may be more to the story than OP shared with us. Especially since there is little OP could say at this point that wouldn’t make him look worse.

              1. Gadget Hackwrench*

                Yes. Toxic Woman or Toxic Girlfriend would both have been far less of a problem than Toxic FEMALE.

                1. Knit Pixie*

                  I really am not trying to be contrary when I say I don’t like those options either.

                  The word “Girlfriend” in this context, reads very diminishing to me
                  ie. “YOU and your big – a_ _ Girlfriend!” (Nikki fighting with Angelo in My Big Fat Greek Wedding)

                  “Woman” in this context, rubs me the wrong way too:
                  ie. “Always some drama with That Woman.” (Lois’s in laws Malcolm in the Middle)

                  Referring to a person as a Toxic Anything I dare say, isn’t very nice, and I can agree High Score! might have been better off making their point without using the word Toxic.

                  But the fact that I personally find the word “Girlfriend” grating and seldom use it, or don’t care to spell the plural of woman “Womyn” doesn’t mean others don’t (or shouldn’t) do these things.

                  My point is for as many synonyms as there are to refer to someone, there are as many objections to using them (some more than others). High Score’s entire premise should not be disregarded because of this.

                2. Gadget Hackwrench*

                  You asked if toxic woman would be better, I answered that I think it would be. You tell me it’s not. So… it wasn’t a honest question in the first place. Not really interested in belaboring the point anymore as a result, so I’m going to have to defer to Dr. Pepper further down at this point and continue considering “female” to be a side-eye inducing way of referring to women.

              2. Knit Pixie*

                By the way, I am not trying to deny that there are those who use the word “female” in the derogatory fashion, or that it feels clinical and cold even in legitimate circumstances; I have definitely heard the word “female” said in a nasty tone (and have been guilty of using worse for both men and women, in my least proud moments).

                Definitely your prerogative to give the side eye, Dr. Pepper, I just didn’t read the same ill manner of speaking from High Score! the way I might expect from someone deliberately trying to get a rise.

              3. Dr Pepper*

                Oh, for sure there’s better phrasing than “I once had a coworker in a relationship with an increasingly toxic female who became overbearing, then controlling, tried too separate him from family and friends, etc, yeah women do that too. When she finally went out of town, he called all his friends to help him move out and got a restraining order. He knew simply trying to have a let’s break up discussion would end up in at best screaming and destruction and possibly violence.”

                How about this:

                “One of my coworkers was in a toxic relationship with an abusive partner: among other things, she was controlling and tried to separate him from his family and friends. He knew that trying to just break things off or talk it through would result in screaming at best and violence at worst, so he took an opportunity when she was out of town to get a bunch of friends over and moved out, along with getting a restraining order against her.”

                See? It gets all the pertinent information across (abusive woman, abused man, toxic relationship resulting in a restraining order and stealth move out) but it’s not using language that’s heavily coded as misogynistic in our current society.

                And just for the record, it still would have been reaching to a massive degree with regards to the OP’s letter in order to excuse him of any wrongdoing and paint Sylvia in the role of victimizer rather than victim.

            4. Fiennes*

              The Ferengi on Star Trek also use “female” as a noun. I instantly envision anyone who uses it as Quark, at his vilest.

          6. Policywank*

            The fact that you even wrote the words “toxic female” about someone suggests…some awfully bad stuff that should disqualify you from giving advice on this topic.

            1. Quacktastic*

              Every time an MRA uses “female,” I think of them as Ferengi from Star Trek. Complete with Wallace Shawn’s voice.

              2. saffytaffy*

                Yeah, it’s very weird to me when people use ‘female’ as a noun in everyday conversation. As a Linguistics student I did a study on a particular group of people who tended to use ‘female’ and ‘male’ when their intelligence was being called into question. It was part of a pattern of trying to use bigger words to sound smart.

            2. Knit Pixie*

              Policywank, I dare say that there are those that would take issue with any word to describe the female sex/gender combined with the word Toxic – to the point of denial that such words in combination cannot possibly describe someone.

              I appreciate that you and Dr. Pepper above wanted this poster to be aware of what saying that, could sound like, but to dismiss this person’s experience and overall message as null simply because of it… feels to me like a dismissal of the idea that men could be abused by their female partner.

              Dangerous in itself.

              1. Dr Pepper*

                I stand by my statement that literally the only people I know who use “female” instead of “woman” are first responders, military personnel, and Red Pillers/MRA. As such, I will continue to side-eye the h*ck out of people I see or hear using that phrasing.

                I’m certainly not denying that women can be just as toxic as men can be in a relationship. I’m a queer woman and I’ve certainly had toxic relationships before. Nobody is dismissing that men can be abused by their female partners. HOWEVER, nothing in the OP’s letter even hints at that being the scenario. He clearly stated that Sylvia wanted to settle down (which, after 3 years together and 2 years of living together is a totally normal desire) and that he didn’t want that and in order to avoid dealing with a break up that would have been uncomfortable he literally packed his bags and ran away.

                In other words: you’re reaching.

          8. nutella fitzgerald*

            When I see “female” used as a noun I imagine the context over a crackly police radio, or sometimes in a coroner’s report. Maybe an Attenborough narration.

            1. Mike*

              Also, kinda sorta, in social science papers: “The study included 45 subjects (22 male, 23 female).” But even then it’s an adjective, not a noun. As a noun, yuck.

          9. Abby*

            Even if she were toxic he should’ve still told her!! And if she was that bad of an individual TRUST he would’ve given every detail to make readers sympathize with him more. Furthermore he used the excuse of finding another job to leave-which he didn’t even tell her about! He isn’t someone I’d want working for me personally or as a collegue. Very disgusting very selfish and he’s all about self. He deserves every big of KARMA coming his way

            2. Lady Phoenix*

              Actually that would be the case where leaving her with no word would be very advisible. Abusers make their damnest sure that there is no escape for their victim. If abusers ever catch a whiff of escaping, the will plead, b g, shame, and even forcibly trap them.

              But that does not sound like the LW’s cas. He just sounds like a cowardly asshat.

          10. Siaynoq*

            Try woman instead of female. Female is a descriptor, not a noun.
            Also a really dehumanizing term.

        4. Engineer Girl*

          This wasn’t immaturity. It exposed a severe character flaw. Sylvia would be right to wonder if this flaw was still there. Short of traumatic incidents, these types of things don’t change.

        5. Mishsmom*

          exactly. OP does not get it at all. to them it was a bit awkward. i bet Sylvia did not feel that way. someone leaving like that not only makes you have feelings about the breakup, it makes you question the entire time you were together, and by that thought, every single relationship you ever had. it brings things into the situation that didn’t need to be there. OP, what you did is cruel. plain and simple. and to not recognize that makes it almost worse.

        6. many bells down*

          I mean … were they sharing bills? They lived together, was his name on the lease/mortgage? Could she afford to pay for the place herself or did she also have to move unexpectedly? In addition to the emotional trauma of having someone you thought loved you vanish?

          There’s a lot more upheaval caused here than just “ghosting”.

          1. Turtle Candle*

            Yep. At one point several years ago my roommate had to move suddenly due to a health care crisis. It wasn’t her fault and she was as helpful as possible but it was still a nightmare to get her off the lease and utilities and whatnot without her being able to show up in person or help much. And that was with her still sending me checks! And without the additional complications of doing it as an expat!

      11. Aeryn Sun*

        Seriously. Him pretending her being “obsessed” and tracking him down is weird shows he hasn’t learned anything. He’s only sorry that this is coming back to bite him.

      12. Sadsack*

        Exactly my thought. Not only did this guy walk out on a romantic relationship, he basically abandoned a roommate with whatever bills they had living together with no word. And you really didn’t mention anywhere in here that you are apologetic about what you did. I think rather than Kudos, the right word here is karma.

      16. Managing to get by*

        Especially since his comments about her obsessive behaviour after his disappearance make it pretty obvious he does not understand the depth of the impact his actions would have on someone.
        A regular person, one with feelings and regard for others, would be extremely concerned about the disappearance of a partner they’d lived with for two years.

        1. Gadfly*

          Hell, I’d even be pretty worried about a roommate I could barely tolerate if they disappeared like that.

        2. Executive Assistant Barbie*

          I was never able to impress upon my ex-husband the importance of texting me if his plans changed from “be home at 9” to “out drinking with my coworkers until 2”. In the meantime I’d be at home with our baby wondering if his bike was run off the road by a rogue SUV and getting progressively more worried/angry.

          What OP did is that times a million, and considering how insane, concerned, and angry I felt every time he disregarded the feelings of the person he was sharing a life with, Sylvia sounds like she might have even maintained some restraint.

    3. Redundant Department of Redundancy*

      Yeah I think you’ll have to start looking for another job, but definitely approach Sylvia and see if there is a way this can work in the short term.

      Although people change, maybe this would be nothing to Sylvia, a long forgotten blip of ‘that jerk who left the freaking country rather than break up’. However, I’m not sure. I was blindsided by my ex of 4 years, one day he came home told me I had two weeks to move out. 6 years on I still have a fantasy about how I’d love to punch him in his goofy face. I’m married now but I still have a grudge against him. I know I wouldn’t be impartial if I had to manage *him*, and what he did pales in comparison to what you did to Sylvia.

        1. Jesca*

          Something similar recently just happened to me. Was there for him during his difficult times, but when I needed him and suddenly could not function as his emotional crutch anymore? Gone. Just like that! I am still struggling with my anger and resentment! And still that doesn’t compare to what OP did.

          Honestly though lol, I wouldn’t be able to manage my first high school boyfriend either, because even though over the past 13 years or so he has tried to apologize to me, I still refuse to speak to him. That shit runs deep. I wish him as much wellness as I can, but I would not be able to professional around him. Sorry, OP!

      2. Lora*

        I am a terrible person, so I would regale all my friends, family and anyone who tried to set me up on a blind date with their Nice Single Friend with the story of Ghost Partner, to the point that someone with no less than four degrees of separation would recognize OP as Ghost Partner, and his/her nickname would be forever remembered as Casper.

        Yeah, my first thought upon coming home to an empty house would be, “oh my god, we were robbed and they kidnapped Casper!” and promptly start calling the police, hospitals, etc. trying to find out what happened. It would be extremely memorable even many years later. I would be wondering all the time as OP’s manager, “hmmm maybe I shouldn’t give Casper this long-term project, just in case…” because literally three years of evidence wouldn’t be sufficient to demonstrate trustworthiness.

        I think you are SOL, whether you are in a position to find another job or not – the choice may shortly not be yours to make.

        1. Bess Marvin*

          “because literally three years of evidence wouldn’t be sufficient to demonstrate trustworthiness.”

          THIS, so this, OP. You’re in a situation where your supervisor will not be able to trust anything you say, because she has personal evidence that anything/everything you say could be a lie or subterfuge or something you say or do to serve yourself.

          If your ex were a COLLEAGUE and this story got around, I think you’d be pretty SOL. But as a supervisor? Might as well start packing.

        2. Geoffrey B*

          I had an ex who did something similar to me. I was literally phoning morgues trying to find out if she was on a slab somewhere, for days before I found out she was alive and well. That was… not the most enjoyable week of my life. She got in touch a few years later with a half-hearted apology, but I can’t say that I would want to work with her.

      3. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        This happened to my best friend (they’d shopped for engagement rings), and to this day, if I see her ex I guarantee you I will cause a scene (I prob won’t punch him, but I did fantasize about violence). And it didn’t even happen to me!

        1. nani1978*

          It’s almost easier to immediately determine the course of action when it’s about someone else, isn’t it? You love your friend and would stick up for her needs without a second thought. This is where I wish I would more quickly heed the advice to treat oneself as you would treat a friend. I take *soooooo* much less crap on behalf of other people.

          Relatedly, and to tie this back to the letter/site in general, this is where Alison’s advice really pays dividends for me. When I deal with the difficult conversations at work, the earlier the better, that confidence and ability bleeds into my personal life and I am able to have more direct conversations about personal issues. I hardly ‘have it all figured out’ but it’s been a real wake-up call to me that life is made up of conversations and difficult situations. You can soothe them or inflame them, but you can’t avoid them.

          2. TootsNYC*

            ” This is where I wish I would more quickly heed the advice to treat oneself as you would treat a friend.”

            I call this the converse of the Golden Rule, and I agree with you.

            The Golden Rule is, of course, treat others the way you want them to treat you.

            But really, we need to treat ourselves the way we would treat other people (especially other people we care about).

        2. CMF*

          Just like Charlotte in SATC. She let Big have it!

          I kind of hope Sylvia lets you have it, but then again I also hope that she realizes the bullet she dodged here and doesn’t even acknowledge your existence or your terrible, terrible behavior. I hope she’s married to a wonderful man with as many adorable children as she wants. Please be sure to let us know.

            1. constablestark*

              If Sylvia knows that OP is at the school and will be her junior, I think her knowing he’ll report to her is good enough, indeed.

              OP, I hope you read the comments from those who had the same experience as Sylvia and I hope you recognize that you did a shitty, shitty thing.

              1. Wendy Darling*

                If I was Sylvia I’d be like, well, we should get ready because if things get tough at this job OP will just vanish without a trace and move to another country…

      4. Kitty McFurball*

        I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone who essentially ghosted me — failed to show up at the airport for a trip we were supposed to be taking together to visit my family (a ticket my FAMILY had paid for), left me a voicemail saying “I can’t do this”, and then ducked my calls for weeks until he finally answered and told me he had met someone else(!). That was 9 years ago, and I still think that if I saw him bleeding on the side of the road I would simply stop to say “karma’s a %*!@&” and walk away. (And call 911. But that’s it.) If I had to supervise him? Even if he apologized? I would avoid and ignore him as much as possible which would probably have adverse employment effects on him — and that’s the best case scenario.

        1. Allison*

          I’ve heard some men, when they want to leave their families, will take the family to Disneyland, then at some point say he’s going to the bathroom and just leave the park. This is a thing that happens.

          1. michelenyc*

            The evening we got home from Disneyland my Dad announced he was leaving us. It was awesome!

            1. MCMonkeyBean*

              How terrible! I’m sure in their mind they think they’ve found the nicest way to break bad news, but it seems like all it would do is ruin Disneyland for you forever.

          2. Temperance*

            With some regularity, too. If you want to be selfish and shitty, you at least owe the people whose lives you are destroying a mildly uncomfortable conversation.

          3. Anna*

            I’m curious to know if this is something that is more common among men who are trying to get out of their family obligations or if women do it as commonly. Because I suspect it is a bright blinking indicator of how emotionally stunted these people are and how that seems to be an okay thing. And I also suspect that the narrative around these stories tends to be more forgiving of men than women. At least okay enough that it seems to be common.

            1. Jeff*

              Hard to say based on a sample size of one, but my wife just did it to me last month. Like the male cad who inspired this thread, she took off to another country while I was traveling on business and to this day hasn’t said where she went. I have heard somewhere that when men jilt it’s usually BEFORE the wedding, whereas when women do it some random time after. Perhaps its because men take wedding vows more seriously?

          4. Liz*

            I guess my father was old school; he found a job 300 miles away, then decided he didn’t want the rest of us to come along. He kept in touch and visited about once a month, so I can’t say he ghosted us, but I was never invited to his new home, even after Mom lost our home (no child support).

          5. nnn*

            In addition to all the other problems, what a waste of Disneyland tickets! Now the kids are at Disneyland but can’t do anything fun because they have to spend the day frantically trying to locate their missing father!

          6. Anonymousaurus Rex*

            This happened to my dad, but it was his mom that left. On his family trip to Disney World as a kid his mom just left and didn’t return, leaving his dad with my dad and his two brothers. Oddly, he never minded going back to Disney–I think I’d have been scarred for life.

      5. Purple snowdrop*

        F*k, don’t say that. I’m about to do that to my emotionally abusive husband. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t seem himself as abusive on any level so I think he’ll react badly… :(

        1. Lora*

          Abusers generally don’t see themselves as abusive even after they’ve put you in the hospital. I wish you the very best luck though – stay strong, this stuff isn’t easy.

        2. Perse's Mom*

          Abusive people rarely admit that what they’re doing is abuse.

          Take precautions for your safety on your way out, and good luck!

        3. Anon for this*

          Getting out of an abusive situation is different. We pulled together a team of people and packed up my sister and kids to move her during the 8 hour window her abusive ex was at work. It seemed extreme, but it was a matter of time before he put her or one of the kids in the hospital or worse.

        4. theletter*

          Do it! Life is too short to live with abusers.

          You can always send a letter with no return address after you go.

          1. Emmie*

            But watch the post-mark if you decide to do this.

            Abuse is an absolute exception to this rule. Good luck. And I am proud of you.

          2. Chinook*

            “You can always send a letter with no return address after you go.”

            Or let the cops know you left him. At least up here, the cops can and will close up a missing persons case by reporting back to the reporter that the person is confirmed as not missing without giving out more details as to where you are or what happened.

        5. oranges & lemons*

          If someone decides to be abusive, they bring this upon themselves. Regular relationship rules don’t apply because they’ve already destroyed them. Good luck!

        6. Jules the 3rd*

          Don’t ghost, leave a note. Like, a restraining order – that would make a good note.

          Good luck. What you’re doing is hard, we’re rooting for you!

        7. a different Vicki*

          As others have said, it’s different.

          You can take a couple of minutes and write a note that says something like “Fergus, I’m leaving you. Do not attempt to contact me. My lawyer will be in touch about a divorce. ” to leave on the kitchen table.

          That’s not just kinder, it may make things a little easier for you. That kind of note won’t tell him why you decided to leave, but it may mean fewer panicked calls to your family and friends.

        8. piny1*

          Abuse is different! It’s like an extreme version of, “If your employer treats people who quit like crap, you don’t have to give notice! Just walk! Protect yourself! The hell with professionalism!”

          Your husband is not trustworthy; that’s why you’re leaving. You owe him nothing, and you owe yourself conscientious awareness of your own emotional and physical safety.

        9. Lindsay J*

          One of the things I had to accept when I left my abusive ex was that, no matter how I handled it, I was going to be the bad guy in his story.

          I did the same thing described here – took all the things I cared about one day and left. I was worried he would get physically violent if I told him I was leaving. Or that I just would give in again to his promises that he would change and be better – he always did, but never for more than a few days before it was back to the status quo.

          I’m sure he thinks all kinds of negative things about me. I’m sure he told his family a bunch of negative things about me. I don’t care because I never have to see them again and I am so much happier.

        10. Not So NewReader*

          Your setting is not even remotely similar. No where near, not at all….. Did I mention you have a different setting?

          2. Jeff*

            Yup, you SHOULD jilt an abuser. I’ve helped women leave their abusive spouses the same way my heartless wife left me. It’s literally the difference between murder and self-defense.

        12. Purple snowdrop*

          Tbf I was replying to the ‘asked me to leave in two weeks’ bit which is pretty much what I’ll be asking/my solicitor will be telling him to do.

        13. TootsNYC*

          But with an abusive situation, once you’re out, there will probably be a “I’ve left you” communication of some sort.

          Our OP didn’t even write a letter to her while she was off visiting (“I’ve found it hard to tell you that I’m not committed anymore; I’m ending the relationship, and I’m sorry to do it so badly. I’ll have moved by the time you get back, and I’ll leave two months’ rent on the kitchen table).

    4. Snark*

      “First, kudos for recognizing what you did was not ok and being up front.”

      That’s worth one kudo, at most. It’s clearing a pretty low moral bar to realize that ghosting someone you’ve been with for three years is not okay, particularly when you think her frantic attempts to figure out if her partner of three years were alive strike you as “obsessed” and the whole situation struck you as “unpleasant” but basically forgettable. It gives the distinct impression that OP thinks this is something he can expect Sylvia to forgive and forget enough to work with him, not a life-defining act of cruelty.

      “It’s also highly likely that this is a situation where you will need to look for other employment, especially given the presumed depth of your relationship and how it ended.”

      I do, however, agree with this, and will take it further: OP, you cannot work at this job. This job is not tenable, and you cannot report to Sylvia under any circumstances. I realize that you value your happiness and settledness in this country, and I realize that it may be inconvenient and difficult to find another job, but you cannot possibly think there’s a way to paper this over and work with this person on a daily basis, do you? You can’t possibly think she can face you as her direct report. Insisting on doing so would compound an act of frankly unimaginable cruelty and selfishness with a great deal more of both.

      You have now an opportunity to take your share of the “drama” and emotional upheaval you inflicted on Sylvia years ago, to do the decent thing and not inflict a reopened wound and the difficulty of facing you daily on this woman. Please do it. Don’t continue to torture this person for your transient emotional convenience.

      1. Kyrielle*

        I’m not so sure about this. And I’m not so sure because staffing a school can be tricky, and you need people in place to do the job.

        If OP does the “decent thing” and leaves the job, OP is causing an upheaval that Sylvia will have to deal with. And is doing it by … leaving with little or no discussion, and without much warning (better than none?). That…seems likely to echo past events in a small key and be even more upsetting for Sylvia.

        OP: I agree with Snark that you do need to accept that this job may need to go, and that you should take your share of the drama/emotional upheaval.

        But I think that means reaching out to Sylvia, telling her what’s up, and asking her how she wants to proceed. Maybe she wants you *gone*. Maybe she thinks she can work professionally with you (although frankly, I would still look for another job next school year in your shoes, because I suspect it’s going to be very awkward and hard) and doesn’t want to have to replace you this close to the start of the year. Maybe she wants you to hang on while she finds a replacement and then go.

        Last time, you gave her no notice, no warning, no input, and no closure. This time, give her those things. Let her decide what works best for her, not just have you appear as a surprise on the first day…nor disappear into the sunset again, leaving her with a position to fill and probably a bad taste in her mouth.

        1. Snark*

          I think this is upheaval Sylvia can deal with. We’ve all filled a position vacated on short notice, and let’s face it: the world is not bereft of educated first-world bros “living the expat lifestyle” who can teach math for a semester or two.

            1. Durham Rose*

              Haha expat bros. So true. In all seriousness though, there are usually a group of ‘trailing spouses’ who are looking to put their skills to use – can’t imagine the position would be too hard to fill!

          2. Kyrielle*

            Anyone who has managed for any length of time has filled a vacant position, yes.

            OP ghosted on Sylvia badly many years ago. If OP resigns and ducks out either before Sylvia arrives, or as quickly as possible thereafter, and Sylvia has no input, I suspect it is going to feel like OP is running away from Sylvia again. Maybe she’s come to terms with what happened – maybe it won’t reopen that wound. But it very well might.

            Note that I’m not advocating just sticking around and slogging it out. I’m advocating letting it be *Sylvia’s* choice, and for Sylvia to know what is going on, because otherwise OP leaving is just repeating the pattern of running out. I still think the best final outcome involves OP leaving, but not suddenly, at a bad time, *and with no discussion*. Sylvia may well decide she’d rather have to fill a position, but I think she will have less drama/pain if there is a discussion rather than OP just bailing again in a different context.

            1. Anna*

              This is one of those times when the apology won’t be for Sylvia and will be for the OP and may cause more trauma. The OP is probably going to do more damage by sticking it around on the flimsy pretense of not leaving her in the lurch to hire.

              Sometimes the kindest thing for a person who has done the wronging is for them to make the choice instead. This isn’t that they broke up and it was a little rough. This is that in the last 10 years Sylvia has literally not seen or heard from this person with whom she spent 3 years of her life and now he’s about to make a very unpleasant reentry as a subordinate. Right now is not the time for the OP to decide to have a life-changing moment.

          3. Jesca*

            I agree with Snark, here. This is something that always has to be dealt with anywhere. Having to deal with, and having staff have to deal with, the fallout of this situation is much worse.

          4. Hills to Die on*

            I feel for Sylvia. How do you even handle this in her situation? Should she go to HR when she sees that her ghosting ex reports to her? If I were the HR person responsible for this department, I would want to know because it seems like it would take special care.

          5. Don't Be Rude*

            So much for being kind to letter writers. It’s nice of you to assume that anyone who’s owned up to an admittedly-awful mistake was/is/always will be an immature “first-world bro.”

            Why would anyone want to write in for help when even admitting fault isn’t enough to spare them these kinds of judgy comments and even accusations of being emotionally abusive(!) as I’m seeing elsewhere on this post?

            1. Desdecardo*

              There’s a difference between owning up to and just admitting to a grievous action against someone.

              The OP psychologically damaged Sylvia with that break up just because he didn’t want to go through break up drama and just moved on without caring.

              He showed no honest reguard about the situation except that he might have to quit to run away again. He’s not mature. He looks out for himself and enjoys the expat life. He is a bro.

              He may have grown up a bit since. He still needs to handle this like walking on eggshells shells.

              The truth will get out to his friends, girlfriend, etc. And no one is going to like him or want to be around him anymore.

              Not after watching out for number one and abandoning a committed relationship.

            2. The Voice of Reason*

              “So much for being kind to letter writers. It’s nice of you to assume that anyone who’s owned up to an admittedly-awful mistake was/is/always will be an immature “first-world bro.””

              Hypocrisy on the internet? Say it ain’t so.

              To all you people excoriating OP’s personal life: fair enough. But this is a blog about management and organizations. We’re talking about an international school in what seems to be something less than a global alpha city (I’m thinking somewhere like Phnom Penh).

              Saying that OP needs to resign out of fairness to Sylvia puts his personal history on a pedestal above the needs of the organization. If OP needs to resign, it’s because the organization can’t function with the two of them there, not out of some misplaced need to make Sylvia whole for events that happened years ago.

              What about the kids OP teaches? Particularly if this is pre-secondary school, their lives all get disrupted if a teacher resigns. What about filling the vacancy? That’s a tall order Phnom Penh or wherever, where a replacement teacher isn’t an easy recruit (and “trailing spouses” don’t automatically make great teachers).

              1. Anna*

                Are you new here? Alison frequently advises people to move on if their personal life is too much of a distraction to their work life, or vice a versa. This blog isn’t about the organization and what’s best for it; it’s about human people doing human things at work and how that might effect other humans and human things in their lives.

                1. Anon for this*

                  @anna – asking ‘are you new here’? yikes. I mean, way to set the boundaries for in-group/out-group. i don’t know who i agree with in this thread. but really, do you think that the fact you may have read the blog for a while privileges your opinion?

              2. Amy*

                I don’t think people are saying he needs to resign because it will somehow make Sylvia whole. (It won’t.) It’s because most of us can’t imagine functioning in a workplace with that kind of history with our direct manager. I’m all for falling back on professional behavior in most circumstances, but in a really extreme case like this, it’s very hard to imagine that their history won’t color their interactions. Since it’s so outlandish, it’s also easy to imagine it spreading via gossip and causing broader disruptions.

                The only part where fairness comes in is the part where if someone has to go, it should probably be him, because it’s his fault that history exists–and even that goes along with the sensible administrative perspective. A high-level administrator handpicked for this role is likely harder to replace than a lower-level teacher (not to say that teachers are easy to replace, but it sounds like the school had to work really hard to find Sylvia).

            3. Toby*

              He’s admitted what he did but doesn’t seem understand the implications of those actions to those around him. He’s more irritated that he’ll be inconvenienced by probably needing to find a job than remorse at the very real trauma he put this woman through. What he did WAS emotionally abusive, or at least emotionally damaging, and you seem perplexed that maybe that’s a bad thing. If someone punched in the face, they don’t lose the right to be upset about it just because the puncher admitted they did it.

            4. Traffic_Spiral*

              Bro, he hasn’t “owned up” to it. He’s acknowledged that it might inconvenience him – that’s not the same thing. Even then, note how he tries to use “ghosting” and omit the details of the relationship to make it look like this was a 5-date sort of situation as opposed to, yanno, disappearing on his live-in partner! Also, note how he talks about it: “I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama. Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.” As if trying to find out why your live-in partner disappeared is “obsessed” as opposed to having a normal human reaction.

              I’d say people are being pretty kind by not calling him a flaming shitbucket – but when you do something that fucked up to someone and show no real remorse apart from worry about how it might affect you, you gotta expect a few “wow, that’s really messed up” comments.

            5. Jeff*

              His choice of words – “ghosting” vs. “jilting” – indicates to me he as NOT owned up to his actions. He was never truly sorry for what he’d done, he’s only sorry for himself that it has now come back to haunt him.

        2. 5 Leaf Clover*

          Yes. The ethicalal thing to do is ask Sylvia what SHE wants out of this situation and do it, even if it is inconvenient for the OP.

        3. Snark*

          Oh, and I do agree he should get in touch. I think that needs to take the form of,

          Dear Sylvia –

          This is OP, and I’m very sorry, but I am set to be one of your direct reports at the school this semester. I am so terribly sorry if my unexpected presence in your life reopens old wounds. I cannot ask for or expect your forgiveness for the hurt I caused you. At this point, my goal is to minimize the amount of pain I cause you now. Where would you like to go from here? I fully understand that you may not be able to work with me. I am willing to resign now if you would like, or to resign once you find a replacement for my position. If you would like to communicate through [third party,] that is also a possibility.

          1. TheOtherLiz*

            My only amendment to Snark’s suggested letter, as someone who’s been on the receiving end of some really dense correspondence from close people who wronged me: ditch the “I cannot ask for your forgiveness” – I once had a best friend ghost on me, and in messages years later they did not ever bother, over months of correspondence, to say the word “sorry.” They said that the past can’t be erased, they said we have a history, but they ever said the simplest two syllable word that doesn’t cover everything but is so necessary. Sylvia owes OP nothing, but OP owes Sylvia the word “sorry” and should take this opportunity to say it. Even if, like the breakup or the thought of uprooting their life now, it feels inconvenient or uncomfortable. It’s part of being a decent human being.

          2. Jesca*

            I don’t know. I am divided on this. One way gives her the option on how to proceed, but then in the same token it is kind of putting the onus on her to navigate this awful situation he had caused. Also, any level of apology and trying to show compassion for her current feelings may come across (as the OP does feel, anyway) as him again calling her crazy and obsessive. I mean wow. At the same time though, is there even a way to handle this? I dont think there is. I don’t know!!!!

            1. Anna*

              I agree. This makes Sylvia responsible (again) for a situation she hasn’t created and just happens to find herself in. In this instance, it’s absolutely okay for the OP to make a decision for himself that would put Sylvia at ease.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              She can chose to see it as cleaning up his mess again or she can chose to see that he is trying to grant her the upper hand in this situation. We can’t really predict/control how she reacts.

              We have no idea what she sees from where she is. It could be that she could shift OP over to another boss and just tell him “No contact with me, ever. Go to your New Boss.”

              I think OP should plan for worst case scenario. If something not as bad happens, then lucky him.

          3. DaddySocialWorker*

            I’m writing from the perspective of someone in the human services (mental health/social work field), and I do not agree that it’s incumbent upon the ghoster to offer to resign. Given that Sylvia is the power holder in the current professional relationship, it’s incumbent upon her not to engage in a dual relationship (ex and boss) without first engaging in an ethical decision-making process to assess whether she can do so equitably. So the OP reaching out in advance is helpful in so far as it will permit Sylvia the occasion to self-reflect on whether she is able to accept the position. Meaning that if she intends to keep the job, she must be able to assess the OP only on his merits as a teacher. If she cannot do so, or cannot come up with an alternative reporting structure, Sylvia must resign.
            Note that this is not a commentary on what the OP did 10 years ago. Rather, I’m providing a different professional take on the situation that is applicable in some fields.

            1. Snark*

              “If she cannot do so, or cannot come up with an alternative reporting structure, Sylvia must resign.”

              What the hell, no. Sylvia did not cause this. Sylvia should not be expected to accommodate him.

              1. The Voice of Reason*

                “What the hell, no. Sylvia did not cause this. Sylvia should not be expected to accommodate him.”

                In terms of personal relationships, no, she shouldn’t. But this isn’t a personal relationship. Sylvia *did* cause this by joining the international school. She needs to know the ghosting ex is on the faculty now and needs to determine whether she can manage him as an employee.

                1. Anna*

                  She applied for a job and was hired! She didn’t “cause” it anymore than she “caused” it by thinking she was in a committed relationship with a rational person. Wow. Blame the victim much?

            2. Turquoise Cow*

              Yeah, I was with you until you said that *Sylvia* needs to resign. Completely disagree there.

              If it was an ordinary ex relationship type thing, where they’d broken up by mutual (or mostly mutual) decision, that would be a good response. But the OP was clearly in the wrong, and Sylvia should not have to rearrange her life based on something the OP did wrong many years ago. Clearly she feels this job is a good choice, or she wouldn’t have accepted it. She shouldn’t be forced to turn it down or leave because her stupid ghosting ex who ditched her without notice and moved out of the country has showed up. The onus is on OP to decide to resign – for OP to be the mature one, because OP failed at that in the past.

            3. M Bananas*

              I wholeheartedly disagree. I’m not a professional in human services but I don’t belive the hierarchical power structure is the end-all and be-all of every scenario.
              If a POC/minotiry accepted a managerial position only to find out one of his direct reports is the racist that in the past abused/treated him horribley would you advocate that he/she should step down if they ‘can’t believe they can judge the [racist] report on his mertis alone?’
              What about a formerly abused person that finds out their abusive ex-partner is now one of their direct reports?
              This is not a reasonable expectation to make of someone.
              Syliva is human and can’t be expected to be absolutely impartial to someone who hurt her so badly, and at the same time what *someone else did to her* years ago should not close employment oppertunities for her today.

            4. Jadelyn*

              …what kind of weird “he was there first” thing is this? She shouldn’t have to miss out on an opportunity just because her awful ex got there first.

            5. MamaSocialWorker*

              Um. Not sure where you are getting these odd ideas. Perhaps if Sylvia was his therapist or his care provider the dual relationship ethical responsibility would come into play. Do both people have ethical responsibilities here? Yes. But not everything operates under these strict guidelines, and she isn’t his therapist or care provider, she’s his boss.

              While I DO think people are leaping down too quickly on OP to resign, I think you are looking about this in a pretty black and white way. If social work and the mental health field has taught me ANYTHING it’s that there is nothing black and white about human beings or about ethical scenarios like this. But OP doesn’t get an automatic write-off because he was there first and because she holds a position of power. Are you saying because OP is reporting to her, he automatically gets first dibs on a job?

              My recommendation from a person in human services/social work is that OP reach out to Sylvia and not explain away what happened, but offer a deep and sincere apology, perhaps with hopefulness that they can arrange to work together and congratulating her on the job. My other recommendation is that OP reach out internally to HR or whatever person would manage this and explain the potential conflict of interest stating that they had a relationship with this person that did not end well x years ago due to OP’s poor behavior at the time, that they have changed, and that they would like to continue working for the school and are hopeful that the situation can be worked out with Sylvia appropriately.

              Could this end up with someone resigning? Yes. But I think this could also potentially be mediated appropriately if OP is willing to do the work. I am willing to give benefit of the doubt to OP, but I’m going to give preference to Sylvia as the injured party here. Even though it’s well in the past, these things can have lasting effects on human behavior and ability to trust. As someone in the social work field I am so surprised at your lack of awareness around this.

              1. ElectricLady*

                I completely agree. This is the most equitable way for this scenario to play out. I really hope that the OP reads your comment and implements your suggestions.

            7. Jck*

              You can’t simply began a new position in management & expect to re-route chain of command and/or recuse yourself from managing an employee due to past personal history, short of past criminal victimization or current legal issues, like a restraining order or pending lawsuit. Professionalism, especially in management, dictates the high road and healthy boundaries. What the OP did in his personal life 10 years ago, in and of itself, has no bearing on how he does his job today or tomorrow.

            8. Red*

              See – I don’t know. I think Sylvia should be given the chance to resign if she wants to. I know I’d probably be running in the opposite direction if I found out OP was at my new job. But I don’t think she should be made to resign or the onus be on her to be the one who does it. She might not have another option.

              I do know that OP needs to contact her asap, in case she decides to not start working there. That way she’ll at least have time to make a decision.

            9. Sunshine*

              Except she has done nothing wrong. He is the one who did something wrong and displayed a fairly shocking lack of integrity and judegement. She shouldn’t lose out twice – emotionally and financially – due to his behaviour.

          4. The Voice of Reason*

            “At this point, my goal is to minimize the amount of pain I cause you now”

            OP’s goal needs to be to do what is best for his organization, not minimizing the amount of pain to Sylvia.

            2. Anna*

              I just gotta say. Sylvia is under no obligation to consider what’s best for this organization or any organization and really, if it’s on the OP to do that, the best thing for the organization is to resign and move on.

              What a bizarre world view.

              1. The Voice of Reason*

                “Sylvia is under no obligation to consider what’s best for this organization or any organization”

                Um, she’s a manager. She’s 100% obligated to act in the interests of her organization. If she can’t do that, she needs to recuse herself from managing this employee, regardless of who was in the right back when they were living together.

                1. Anna*

                  No, she isn’t if that means she puts herself at emotional and mental risk. Sorry, but no. Not at all. In no way, shape, or form.

                2. The Voice of Reason*

                  We’ll have to disagree, then. Were I on the board of trustees of this school and found my new director wasn’t acting in the interests of the organization, he’d be gone, regardless of how sympathetic his personal story.

                  This is exactly the same principle as the woman who wrote in because a coworker accused her of accounting fraud in an attempt to get some “alone time” with the police to report an abusive spouse. Personal trauma doesn’t obviate work responsibilities. If you can’t set the former aside, you need to recuse yourself from the latter.

            3. Sylvan*

              Interpersonal drama is generally not best for the office.

              I’m not saying that OP should or shouldn’t leave – I don’t know. But causing or not causing pain to Sylvia is relevant to what’s best for the organization.

      4. The Pedant Peasant*

        Kudos is singular — it’s Greek.

        So is the root of “hysterical”, from the word for “womb”. Women are hysterical because their wombs wander! Behind every female hysteric is a man using the term to gaslight her into behaving in a way convenient for him.

        If the OP had said controlling or emotionally manipulative or verbally abusive, that’s different. But “hysterical” sets off alarm bells for me.

        2. Will*

          I remember when we came across the word in the Homeric Hymn to Demeter. “kudos” is the emanation that rises up around a god that inspires holy terror and awe. And I turned to the professor and said “wait, is that why people say ‘kudos to you’?” and she said “yes, I have never in my life understood what they are trying to accomplish.”

          We all had a good laugh that day, just like the goddess from the gift of Baubo.

          1. Snark*

            “Good job on the presentation for the TPS project, Bob. May numinous fire arise around you and inspire all those in your presence to fall to their knees in reverent, terrified ecstasy.”

            1. Jadelyn*

              I mean, I’d take that as a fantastic compliment, but then I’m kinda weird with stuff like that.

              2. Snark*

                Hell yeah, I’d be like, “Thanks for noticing my luminous aura of pants-shitting fearfulness! Anybody want to do a coffee run?”

            1. Snark*

              It really is, and given the widespread misuse of that phrase, I suspect I will treasure that nugget always and have cause to reflect upon it often.

        3. Gadfly*

          Hysterical is a word with enough baggage and history of misuse that I think we need to just stop using it. Even clinically. We’ve plenty of examples of words we’ve decided to stop using for similar reasons.

      5. MommyMD*

        No kudos. He’s only concerned with the situation because it’s affecting him now. Either sincerely apologize for being a coward or find another job.

      6. Mike*

        Actually, kudos is singular in Ancient Greek, so it would be “one kudos.” The plural was kudous. Just because I’ve been wanting to share that fact for ten years or more and never had the chance before. (I know, I shouldn’t have. Really, I shouldn’t have.)

    5. CMDRBNA*

      I don’t actually see the OP recognizing that what he did was not okay. He pretty much sidesteps any responsibility and calls Sylvia emotional and obsessed (for, uh, wondering where her boyfriend vanished to? Seems reasonable.) and his concern is not for her, but saving his job.

    6. KS*

      He hasn’t recognized bad behavior. He’s here trying to gaslight her for our benefit, for being concerned he might be DEAD.

    7. JMO*

      *First, kudos for recognizing what you did was not ok and being up front.*

      I must’ve missed that part.

        1. LawBee*

          OP. Good lord. You didn’t “ghost” on a girlfriend, you abandoned a long-term partner with no warning, no forwarding address, no agreement on how to pay the remaining bills – did she suddenly have to take over your half of the rent? The insurance? You didn’t even leave her a note? This was a terrible thing to do, which I don’t get the sense that you are appreciating.

          I suspect you did Sylvia a favor in the long run, because you sound like a terrible partner. Do her another one now. Talk to her before the school year starts, and yeah. You can’t work there. Time to ex-pat yourself to another school.

    8. Artemesia*

      The only hope is to throw yourself on her mercy and acknowledge that you were extremely immature then and have felt ashamed of yourself for years. If you were in fact young, in your 20s, hopefully early 20s, you might be able to play the young and stupid card, but there is no way out except acknowledging that you were a jerk and you know it will be awkward to work together. Maybe her life is great, she feels she dodged a bullet and you can muddle through for a term or two until you can figure out how to move on.

    9. Kelly*

      ” First, kudos for recognizing what you did was not ok and being up front”

      Ten years later? Pretty sure no one gets cookies for that.

    10. gail*

      Someone else probably already noted this, but in a brief scan of the comments I didn’t see it so I think it is worth noting in the age of the internet you are already probably one step behind. If I were Sylvia, I would absolutely look up the faculty at a school if I were under consideration for a job as the director. I would assume she already knows you are there. Most schools publicly list their faculty and that is usually the first stop for someone interested in a job.

    11. Excuse Me?*

      1) no kudos to this sociopath
      2) Objectively speaking: OP should find a new job for several reasons. Most importantly because if he stays and the story comes out, he will be painted in the wrong and reasonable people will automatically side with Sylvia on principle. Its a really bad situation, and the fact that OP shrugs of abandoning his long term partner as ghosting is unfathomable. He then takes a step forward to call her emotional and causing scenes when a reasonable person would do the same thing. Not because they are crazy, but because they’re worried and scared for your life. My main concern is what happened to her financial situation when OP left. Did she make enough to keep her place? Were their shared bills covered? Did OP pack up items she bought for both OP and her and items they bought together? Sylvia needs to take OP to court if thats the case. Karmas a you know what and he deserves this.

      1. Mike*

        “no kudos to this sociopath”

        No, no, I think it was a typo for Kodos, so yes, Kodos to this sociopath. Or Kang, whichever, it’s not like there’s a real choice offered there. Or better yet, both of them.

    12. Luisa V*

      Anyone gonna touch on the fact that he had a conversation about the relationship with literally the internet before uttering a sentence to her?

    13. KatyO*

      I guess I must be a heartless person because I’m thinking, if she hasn’t gotten over it in 10+ years, what is her problem? Yes, what he did was way out of line but I would hope that they’ve all matured enough in 10 years to talk it out and move on.

      1. saffytaffy*

        You may indeed be heartless, or just very inexperienced and naive. The event OP described is traumatic.

      2. brightstar*

        Sometimes people’s actions are so hurtful and scarring that they affect you for the rest of your life. It isn’t saying that Sylvia isn’t over the OP. It’s that his behavior was so extreme it likely has had long lasting effects.

      3. Gadget Hackwrench*

        Even taking into account the massive fiscal fallout? I mean… she could still be paying off debt from OP’s disappearing act.

        1. Mina*

          Yeah, emotional repercussions aside (which would be perfectly reasonable), she could still be cleaning up the mess OP left behind.

      4. Sunshine*

        The situation described would cause trauma, huge financial instability and trust problems. There’s no way most people would get over that in 20 years, let alone 10.

    14. Anne*

      Gotta love how little personal responsibility this guy is taking even now. Putting “bad behavior” in quotes? Seriously? You abandoned a partner of three years and then called her “obsessed” with you. I hope this dude gets fired, and I hope he finally recognizes that it’s his own damn fault.

    15. Trav45*

      Speaking as an international school teacher (who, of course, really, really wants to know what school this is !) I don’t think there’s any way this is going to work, unless she is a far, far bigger person than the writer. I’ve worked at schools in mega-cities (Beijing, for example), and the ex-pat world even here is a small, insular place where everybody at least knows somebody who knows the other person. And this guy is in a small place, indeed. Talk about chickens coming home to roost. Having said that, he absolutely has to email her beforehand and let her know, so she’s not ambushed once again.

    1. INeedANap*

      Honestly, I agree.

      I get that not working at this school will cause enormous difficulties for OP, but, well… those are the breaks.

      Honestly, I can’t really imagine the financial/practical toll of needing to move and get another job would be any worse than the financial/practical toll Sylvia had to go through when her live-in partner disappeared. And I can’t imagine the personal toll of leaving somewhere that you are happy and settled would be any worse than what Sylvia had to go through when her significant other disappeared.

      The only way one could professionally and morally justify not finding a new job would be if the consequences of finding that job were somehow worse than the consequences Sylvia faced when her partner literally disappeared one day. That sets the bar extremely high, OP.

      I get that this sucks for OP professionally and personally, but, well – these are the delayed consequences of what you did, and unfortunately I don’t see any way around them.

    2. Kathleen Adams*

      Yeah, exactly. The fact is, OP, that to Silvia, you are a pretty horrible person because you did a very horrible thing. I’ll take you at your word that you realize your error, and perhaps you are no longer a horrible person, but to Silvia, that’s what you are and probably what you will always be. Certainly if someone had ever done to me or to someone that I care about what you did to Silvia, I would forever think of you as horrible. I think that would be most people’s reaction, actually.

      So yes, by all means, talk to her and apologize as sincerely as you know how (it would help if you could attribute it to extreme youth or immaturity or something), but you’re going to need to get the heck out of there and start afresh elsewhere. She may, if she is a saintly person, forgive you, but she will never forget – and why should she?

      2. Blue*

        I think OP should be careful about how they attribute it to youth/immaturity, because it may just come across as an excuse or failure to take responsibility. If OP can truthfully say that they’ve grown since then, I’d focus on that, instead. Something more along the lines of, “As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized just how cowardly and hurtfully I acted. My behavior then was inexcusable, and I have made an effort to leave behind the immature kid you knew and treat people with more respect.”

        1. Kathleen Adams*

          Oh, yeah – even immaturity wouldn’t be an excuse. Because there is no excuse. It could be presented (with care) as a contributing factor, but that’s the most you can say about it without sounding like a self-entitled, self-justifying whiner.

    3. Amy*

      Yeppp. OP, this is a case where you did a cruel thing and it’s coming back to bite you in the ass. It’s unfortunate for you, but it happens. You might be able to finish out the term, if you’re lucky; if jobs in your field do indeed go by term, presumably they’d have as much trouble finding a qualified replacement mid-term as you would finding another job. But you should plan on moving on next term. The odds that Sylvia will be comfortable with your presence and you guys will work well together are so low, given your history, that you should assume that it won’t happen.

      1. teclatrans*

        Yep, think it as a “natural consequence,” one that just got delayed for a decade.

        OP, you ran away so youbeouldnt gave to face the consequences of your choices, but it turns out you didn’t escape them after all. It’s hard and probably feels unfair to have to pay the price when you are older and don’t even feel like the same person, but, well, you are. Karma, indeed.

      2. The Voice of Reason*

        There are literally zillions of examples of people who were louses when it comes to personal relationships but who were nonetheless excellent leaders. (Bill Clinton, for one.) Similarly, there are people with lovely families who are utter failures professionally. (Infer your own example, so that we don’t get into contemporary politics.)

        You’ll get no argument from me that OP is one of the louses when it comes to relationships. That doesn’t mean he’s not an effective teacher, or that the school is better off without him, or that he *must* resign.

        Hells, on Star Trek, Riker ghosted Troi. The command structure of the Big-E worked out OK.

        1. Amy*

          It’s not that he can’t be a competent teacher. It’s that his past actions probably fucked up any possibility of an amicable relationship between them that putting them in the same workplace is almost definitely going to cause drama and derail productivity. And, it’s that he now has a manager who has good reason to be concerned about his integrity, reliability, etc.–that’s not good for anyone’s career, and even if he hadn’t caused their problems I’d advise him to get job hunting for that reason alone.

          1. The Voice of Reason*

            “It’s that his past actions probably fucked up any possibility of an amicable relationship between them that putting them in the same workplace is almost definitely going to cause drama and derail productivity”

            Perhaps; but I’d say that’s where it’s incumbent on a manager to separate the personal and the professional.

            1. Shini*

              The problem is part of the personal is the fact he *disappeared without warning because he no longer felt like it* – if I was her, I’d be worried that he might consider abandoning his job the moment he decided he’s tired of the responsibility – maybe decided not to show to class one day.

            2. Optimistic Prime*

              There’s a line when it comes to separating the personal and the professional…I mean, people are still humans.

            3. Amy*

              In many cases, I’d agree that professionalism demands not bringing personal issues to work. But this is such a huge, egregious, extreme thing for him to have done, I can’t see any reasonable way to expect it to not influence things. It’s not a failing on the manager’s part to be human.

              And I don’t think having that history means she needs to decline the job, either. Any reasonable person who knows he’s capable of this kind of behavior would question his reliability and integrity; he’s gotten away with people not knowing so far, but that’s luck on his part, not something she’s somehow bound to protect for him. It’s such an extreme thing to have done, it shouldn’t be at all surprising that it’s coming back to bite him in the butt.

        2. Dot Warner*

          Hells, on Star Trek, Riker ghosted Troi. The command structure of the Big-E worked out OK.

          Outing myself as a mega-nerd: that example doesn’t really work here since Riker outranked Troi. The ghostee wasn’t the supervisor, the ghoster was.

          1. Geoffrey B*

            Also, at the risk of stating the obvious: just because somebody made it work in a fictional setting doesn’t mean it’s going to work IRL.

            1. MsM*

              Also also, I’m assuming Sylvia can’t read OP’s mind and gauge just how sincerely sorry he is or not. Which may be a good thing for OP

  3. Cambridge Comma*

    I would write a letter, saying at length how much you regret what happened. It’s going to have to be a really good one.

    1. QAT Consultant*

      I disagree with the letter idea. The apologies already are going to sound hollow and self-serving (as Alison pointed out) and to do that in a letter now seems even more cowardly. I think an email offering to meet (phone or face to face) and have a chat is the better option. It would at least show a tiny bit more sincerity regardless of how hard it is going to be.

      1. Spooky*

        Agreed. Why are we telling him to say he’s sorry? He clearly isn’t. He’s sorry that his ghosts are coming back to haunt him. That’s all. He’s not sorry about what he did, and pretending otherwise is going to be a glaringly obvious lie.

        1. CMDRBNA*

          Yeah, this – if he was sorry, I assume at some point in the intervening ten-plus years he could have contacted Sylvia and apologized. He’s only ‘apologizing’ because the ghosts (hah! see what I did there??) of relationships past are coming back to haunt him.

          It’s pointless to talk about what the LW should have or could have done years ago, but yeah – three years? Living together for two? If I were Sylvia I would not be inclined to be forgiving.

          1. Jesca*

            Well to be honest, I would be forgiving but not forgetting. And even if I was so over this level of hurt and abandonment, I would have to be honest that it would color my perception of this person as his manager. How reliable is he going to be in this role? Is he going to take his position seriously? Is life going to get to stressful for him again to where to where he bails? I mean honestly, to go to that length is not something your direct manager (involved or not in it) should really know about you. That isn’t just oh i ghosted my ex. That is integrity. Ahg! But I get it. I have had some things I did when I was younger come back and bite me in the ass, but honestly hon that’s life and its time you move on from this situation. Sucks, but that’s what it is. And hope no one in that tight community decides to question your integrity if or when they find out about the circumstances. Hopefully though you have shown to be much more responsible and level headed since then.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              This is a good point. OP has already established himself with Sylvia as a totally unreliable person. The fact that it was a personal relationship won’t change the color of her perception. She has no other evidence to mitigate that perception regardless of what anyone else says. No matter what it’s going to be very hard for her to manage him and hard for him to dispel that impression, and rightfully so.

              OP, you really need to find a different job.

              1. Jesca*

                Sometimes, we are defined by one decision and the fall out of that decision will follow us the rest of our lives. It is character revealing, and will continue to define you as a person until you try to unselfishly make it right. That’s just a truth of being a human interacting with other humans, and hopefully OP one days understands that!

                1. Elizabeth West*

                  Yep. It might seem unfair, but if you cause someone pain, their impression of you will be forever colored by that pain. It’s not always easy or possible to overcome it, and it doesn’t make the victim of the offense a bad person for not wanting to be around you.

                2. Lissa*

                  And sometimes, it doesn’t define you as a person and you may have truly changed, but it left such an indelible mark on someone else that Who You Are Now really just does not matter in the situation. OP may or may not regret deeply what they did and realize that impact, but that is independent of this situation. I think having done One Horrible Thing should not forever paint the person as awful in any future interactions – many of us have one thing, that if we were judged on it would be found wanting! But, with the person directly affected, yeah, it does paint the person as awful forever because the emotions around it were so brutal. And you just gotta move on.

                3. Not So NewReader*

                  When this stuff happens you have to go find new peeps or as in OP’s case a new job.
                  That is how the world turns.

            2. Temperance*

              I’m one of those people who doesn’t necessarily believe in forgiveness. You can move on without absolving someone of their bad acts.

              1. Jesca*

                That is not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is letting the negative feelings go towards that person. That is all.

        2. Kheldarson*

          Because even if he isn’t, it’s the socially appropriate thing to do here. Especially if he wants any hope to maintain his job long enough to find a new one.

          One would hope he’d be sincere in his apology and find some empathy for his ex, but he needs to at least follow the social norms here.

              1. Mike C.*

                Lying isn’t socially appropriate, but neither is not apologizing, so yes, I think we’ve found the limits of our model and require something new.

                1. Falling Diphthong*

                  Lying is frequently socially appropriate. Including not sharing any passing thoughts just before they occur to you, saying “it’s fine” about something that isn’t quite but also can’t be changed now, and that AAM favorite, when your manager says “I can’t believe Chris quit due to the toxic atmosphere here! Is anyone else in the room looking for a new job?”

            2. Kheldarson*

              Maybe, but this is still the bare minimum whenever you’ve done something that hurts someone.

        3. Emily S.*

          I think what he needs to do is genuinely WORK to realize that he acted in a way that was unconscionable.

          He needs to be truly sorry (honestly), then what I’d suggest, is apologize in person, and genuinely MEAN IT. Also, explain that’s he knows it’s too late to make amends of any meaningful sort — but, that he’ll try his best to behave as a kind, mature adult (a grown-up!), and do what needs to be done. Whatever is best for them both.

          If, in truth, he has NO remorse — then he would need to consider worst-case scenarios, depending on her reaction to his communication (and in that case, he’d need to be upfront about just wanting to avoid awkwardness, but not hide the fact that he’s not actually sorry).

          I speak as someone who has been ghosted multiple times, in past years, and it really does still hurt after all that time.

      2. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        I think a letter/email is ok as long as it includes the option of talking by phone or face-to-face. If I were Sylvia, I would not want to see OP, let alone talk to them.

        1. Tuxedo Cat*

          I like this because if I were in Sylvia’s shoes, I don’t know how I’d react to a phone call.

      3. Ted Mosby*

        I do too. Not only will it sound hollow, I think it might come across as almost condescending at this point. I had an x do a really terrible thing, similar but different, almost 1o years ago. I will always view him as a terrible, immature person; I just think it’s who he is at his core. But do I crave an apology from him all these years later? No, I could give a sh*t if he feels great, or terrible, or is enjoying a wonderful life, or fell down a well and died.

        Yes, OP should apologize, once, as sincerely as he can fake it (calling a partner you walk out on after three years emotional for causing a scene when you could have been, idk, dead? abducted? in the hospital? is a truly amazing way to continue shirking blame 10 years later). It only requires two sentences. I’m sorry for the terrible thing I did. It was wrong of me. A long letter with explanations and apologies or whatever else would only piss me off further.

        She knows it was all your fault. She knows you were immature. You don’t need to tell her those things. She’s unlikely to still give a flying potato about anything else you have to say. A longer explanation or apology to me just implies thinking that she still needs or wants to hear more, that she still cares how you think and feel about this, when likely she’s just dismissed you as a jerk she’ll never have to deal with again.

    2. Yellow Flowers*

      It might be worth writing a letter so that she has some time to process this without you. Hearing from you might be something she would want to deal with privately.

      1. QAT Consultant*

        The email would be enough to allow her to process how she feels before responding to the LW. But the email doesn’t really need to contain the apology or anything beyond generics of “you are my boss now, we have history that is not good, we should discuss this”.

        1. Jesca*

          Ya know, I kind of agree with you. Open the dialogue first. I mean, you are going to have to have this conversation.

        2. TheOtherLiz*

          Personally the absence of the word sorry would color my reception of the email. Sometimes just saying the word sorry is worthwhile, even if you don’t feel it, and as noted above, the OP has some work to do feeling empathy and not gaslighting this woman.

      2. Turtle Candle*

        Yes, that’s my thought too. I’d really prefer to be able to have my OMG WTF YOU TURNED UP AGAIN??? reaction in private.

    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      I think a letter saying “I realize now what a horrible, horrible thing I did to you” might be appropriate, except for the fact that it doesn’t seem to be true. A more appropriate letter might be “I realize you will have a difficult time working with me, given the way I treated you, so rest assured that I’m looking for another job.” And that one should be true.

      1. QAT Consultant*

        “I realize you will have a difficult time working with me, given the way I treated you, so rest assured that I’m looking for another job.”

        No no no … ABSOLUTELY NOT the right letter. That puts all of the blame on the ex and takes no responsibility for the LW. There is no way to know whether the ex will have a hard time working with LW or not and to insinuate otherwise is a huge misstep in judgement. The ONLY way to sound sincere at all is to accept all responsibility for what happened and place zero blame on the ex.

        1. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

          Agreed. I think it’s ok to talk about it being uncomfortable, but saying she’ll find it difficult will come off patronizing and narcissistic (and fits into the problematic “she’s obsessed” narrative).

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            Not your intent, but clearly there: “you will have a difficult time working with me”: SHE will have a hard time. Implication: because she can’t separate personal from professional.

            I think it’s a words and intentions vs associations and omissions difference. Check out medium.com, author kmayes, article ‘Is It Sexist’ for one of the best analyses I’ve ever seen on this.

            1. Lissa*

              How would you rephrase it to get across the same intent but without appearing to place blame? I totally see where “you will have a difficult time” could be infuriating as Sylvia but I’m drawing a blank as to how else to phrase it…

              1. JanetM*

                I think someone else suggested, “I realize now that what I did was so awful, any reasonable human being would have trouble working with me.” (Or words to that effect; I’m not seeing that comment at the moment.)

                1. Rusty Shackelford*

                  LOL, I’m actually the one who said that, as a translation of my original suggestion.

              3. Misc*

                Just saying ‘it will be difficult to work with me’ might be best. It’s more neutral, a statement of fact that yes, it is a difficult situation, with no judgement on whether she can personally overcome that (and if she can, she’s a better/more capable person) or implying that the difficulty is entirely her issue (therefore is a lesser person for not getting over it on her own).

                It’s the difference between ‘I’m sorry you feel upset’, and ‘I’m sorry I did an upsetting thing’.

                1. Misc*

                  *”it might be difficult…” or “it is a difficult situation”. I got hung up on the ‘YOU’ vs ‘it’ bit, which is the main offender here :D ‘For us to work together’ shares the implied responsbility evenly, not ‘for you to work with me’, or just leave it as ‘this situation is going to be difficult to navigate’ without bringing either person into it specifically. Saying ‘it will’ should also probably be ‘it probably will’ or ‘it may’.

                  …the problem is that most of this stuff is really minor, but it adds up, especially if the email already has any kind of high handed/dismissive/manipulative tone to it.

              5. QAT Consultant*

                I understand it wasn’t your intent, Rusty, but as Jules pointed out, it’s still there. There are a large number of people who don’t actually understand how to apologize correctly (and I’m one of them in many cases but it’s something I try to work on).

                A better way of saying it could be:
                “I realize what I did to you 10 years ago was an immature and selfish action on my part and for that I am truly sorry. There is no excuse for it. I hope we can put it behind us so we can work together.”

                Even here I’m struggling with how to wrap it up. That last sentence still sounds selfish to me because it’s basically asking her to forgive the LW enough to get along at work, which she doesn’t really have to do, but would be the bigger person if she is able to.

      2. nonymous*

        ++ along with some language to indicate that OP will follow Sylvia’s professional directions to the utmost and without expectation of reward/acknowledgement. Even if OP isn’t sorry, he can still demonstrate that he understands the behavior was wrong and there are negative (professional) consequences to follow.

        1. New Poster*

          A better letter might be “First, congratulations on your new job. Second, I realize I will have a difficult time working with you, given the way I treated you, so rest assured that I’m looking for another job.”

          1. Rusty Shackelford*

            I guess I’m looking at this differently from some of you. To me, this letter sounds awfully condescending. Sylvia is the injured party, and Sylvia is the one who has the right to say “I can’t work with you.” I was just imagining the LW admitting that fact, i.e., “obviously what I did was so awful that any normal human being wouldn’t want to work with me.”

            1. Gertrude is Gertrude is Gertrude*

              I think it’s an odd nuance that to me has gendered mishmosh attached. I think “I know you will have a hard time working with me,” reads very differently from “Obviously what I did was so awful that any normal human being wouldn’t want to work with me.”

              I think it is a combination of (a) presuming I know what her reaction will be/what she needs, and (b) putting her emotional reaction (find it difficult) before my causative action (treated you terribly), which has an unintended rhetorical effect of making it seem like her emotions are a bigger deal than my terrible actions.

              Regardless, “Obviously what I did was so awful that any normal human being wouldn’t want to work with me,” is pretty much the perfect wording for this situation, professionalism be further damned.

      1. V*

        The letter is for her benefit, not OP’s. It will give her the chance to process the information before responding to it.

        1. Anna*

          Yeah. Showing up face-to-face takes the ball firmly out of Sylvia’s court and gives OP the advantage, which he shouldn’t have. If OP reaches out, it should be via a neutral communication method first to let Sylvia decide if and how she wants to move forward.

  4. Detective Amy Santiago*

    My initial instinct was to say that you need to reach out to her ASAP and apologize for the way you treated her. Do not make excuses. Own the fact that you were a complete jerk in how you handled things. Tell her that you are not asking for forgiveness, but that you’d like to figure out a way you can make this situation work, at least in the short term.

    And please update us to let us know how it went!

    1. k.k*

      you’d like to figure out a way you can make this situation work, at least in the short term.

      I think that focusing on the short term is going to be key if there is any chance of this working out. Being that she works in the same field, she may be slightly sympathetic to the fact that it’s very hard to find on short notice. Don’t bother mentioning that you don’t want to leave because you’re happy and settled there, that could very much feel like salt in the wounds considering that she was, presumably, happy and settled when you pulled the rug out from under her. If you focus on the professional aspect of the situation, and keep the context short term, there is a slim chance you can make it through this school term.

      1. Snark*

        Why would she be sympathetic to his professional needs? If I were her, I’d be firing him as soon as I got moved into my office.

        1. Rusty Shackelford*

          She has professional needs too. It might be difficult for her to find another teacher at the last minute. But yeah, I wouldn’t expect or ask for any sympathy for the LW’s needs.

          1. motherofdragons*

            That difficulty might be worth it to her not to have to work with LW, though. That should be Sylvia’s call to make.

        2. k.k*

          When I said “slightly sympathetic”, I meant a very strong slightly. I don’t actually think she will or should be, but on the off chance she is going to find a reason to want to make this work I figure it’s going to be based on professional reasons and not personal.

        3. Eron*

          She wouldn’t be sympathetic in the emotional context (well she might if she is a much more forgiving and understanding person than I am) but in the professional context she could reasonably decide that working this out smoothly is in both of their interests.

          If she comes in and immediately fires a teacher, she now has to deal with staffing those classes, finding a replacement, and dealing with any parental fall-out (which is definitely a thing at private schools; especially the the teacher was popular or highly regarded). In addition, she is a newcomer to an expat community that the letter-writer tells us is close and socializes outside of work; it is not out of the possibility that he would have ‘prepped’ his friends with something along the lines of “We used to date and she was pretty upset when it ended. She tracked me down and made several scenes in front of my parents and friends. I sure hope she is over it by now…” (not that anyone who is writing into this blog would do such a thing, of course; but there are people like that out there) and since she is the outsider, he is more likely to be believed (at least initially) assuming he has built up some social clout in his time there. Overall, while it may feel very good for her to say “screw you jerk” it potentially sets her up for a much harder transition into her new role.

          I agree that if the OP focuses on the short term and keeping it professional, there is a chance she decides it is in both of their best interest to play nice; which gives him time to find a new job, and her time to find a new replacement and build a reputation among the community. Still, there are a lot of commentators here who seem fond of the “screw you-jerk!” and she may decide that is worth the turmoil it brings not to have to deal with the OP.

        4. The OG Anonsie*

          OTOH, it’s not just his professional needs– her being out a teacher on short notice is an overall problem for her and the school, so it’s in her specific interest to spackle this until something can be worked out. If it was just his, that would be a little different.

        5. Marmite*

          It reads like the OP is not in the US and in many countries you can’t just fire someone without a relevant (e.g. work related) reason and following a disciplinary procedure. Terrible as the OP’s behaviour was it may not (on it’s own) be a reason to fire him.

      2. Amy*

        Agreed. Most of us can figure out how to work with someone we despise and distrust, if we know it’s a short-term thing that will be over soon. I’m betting she has reasons to not want to fire him right off as well (I imagine finding a replacement mid-term wouldn’t be all that easy, for example, going by the description of the field). I wouldn’t bother hoping for sympathy, but treating it as a case of “the situation is awful, but it’s mutually beneficial to deal until the end of this term, so let’s make the most of it until then and I’ll be out of your hair after that” is probably the best way to manage professionally for now.

    2. Juxtapose is Just a Pose*

      I like the advice of focusing on the short term, as it’s probably in both their interests that the school not be short the OP as a teacher. Realistically, it might just let them both save a bit of trouble by letting him leave at the end of a term; best case scenario, that gives them time to discover that things are less awkward than they thought.

      1. mdv*

        I completely agree! OP has not expressed any real remorse that I can see, and does not deserve any consideration from Sylvia, not even terse professionalism. But I expect Sylvia is probably a much nicer person than OP, and in her position, she’ll probably at least give him the terse professionalism.

        OP, if I were Sylvia, the ONLY acceptable message I want from you is along the lines of

        Sylvia,
        I expect that it will come as a huge shock to you that I am one of the math teachers at [SCHOOL]. As soon as I discovered that you are [SCHOOL]’s new administrator, I knew that I should reach out to you before you arrive on campus.

        After the horrible experience that I put you through when I abandoned you without any notice ten years ago, of course, you cannot be expected to have to work with me now. It is my intention to begin a search for a new job immediately, but I do not want to leave [SCHOOL] in the lurch — I would like to think I have grown and learned from my mistakes since you last saw me.

        Please let me know if you prefer that I should tender my resignation immediately, or if I should plan to go ahead and work through the upcoming term.

        OP

        1. mdv*

          Does anyone else wonder if (or hope that!) Sylvia is also a reader of AAM, so now the cat is out of the bag, anyway? I am!

    3. Snark*

      I don’t think he has the right to ask for her forgiveness, particularly at this self-serving juncture, and I don’t think he has the right to ask her to do a frankly frightening level of emotional labor so he can keep his cushy job and expat lifestyle. The only appropriate thing he can do is leave. If that means leaving the country and starting anew, well, that’s an appropriate consequence, and he was willing to do it to avoid dealing with her emotions once before. He can crash on mom and dad’s sofa for a few months and start again.

        1. Shadow*

          There’s just no good solution to this, at least from the ops perspective. If ops not willing to leave before Sylvia arrives it’s almost going to be a contest of emotional strength. Somebody is going to eventually leave because there is no way this is going to work long term. its just going to unfortunately come down to who can endure the awkwardness longer.

          1. Snark*

            Honestly, I think OP needs to be focused on the dignified and compassionate solution, not the one that’s good for him.

            1. Solidad*

              Yes. Even if he keeps his job in the short term and she takes another, there’s a very good chance people will find out why.

              If he were my employee and I found out he did this and was so unrepentant about it – which is how he comes across to me – it would impact my ability to trust him.

              I think his long term prospects in this company, maybe even in the field, are toast when people find out what he did.

              This is so far outside the range of normal behavior that it will send off alarm bells. It does OP no good to sugarcoat that.

          2. General Ginger*

            OP might be enduring awkwardness. Sylvia is likely going to be enduring more than awkwardness.

          3. Mike C.*

            Yeah, the OP is going to have to leave. I suggest they read up on Alison’s advice on resumes and interviews.

      3. TheOtherLiz*

        Right. I still believe apologizing is important, though, which is not the same as asking forgiveness. The forgiveness is all in her ballpark, and really, forgiving someone is about you and not the person being forgiven. You can forgive someone with or without an apology, and you can withhold forgiveness with or without an apology. But Sylvia deserves an apology. I would expect one.

    5. JokeyJules*

      I agree about reaching out before hand. Dont just let her show up on the first day and you be all “oh hey, how have you been? Crazy thing all those years ago, huh?” Thats not a way to drop a bomb like that on somebody.
      She will need to process this, even just a little. So you should give her the time to do so. She will need time to decide for herself if this is going to work.
      It seems like you are continuing to have the upper hand in things, you knew you were going to ghost on her and now you know you’re about to work together.
      It is time to give her this.

      And honestly, if she fires you or has you fired first thing, I cant be all that upset with her.

    6. INTP*

      I agree with this completely.

      All that I would add is, OP, you do NOT get to say anything negative about this woman to anyone in this country. You do not get to call her crazy or claim that she stalked you or speak about her as if she were anything but an absolutely lovely woman who you unfortunately wronged years ago. Even if it’s over beers with the only person you can vent to and you are really frustrated with her and desperate to express your feelings to someone. Write those feelings in a diary or call someone from home. You already screwed her over massively once, you do not get to tarnish her reputation in her new community, even by planting tiny little seeds of negative comments to people you think you can trust.

  5. Kheldarson*

    Ouch! I started wincing as I read this. What a grave to have dug.

    I think AAM has a good strategy for you, LW. Hopefully you can work neutrally enough with your ex so you can get out on your own terms.

    1. EddieSherbert*

      +1

      I have no additional advice, and my shoulders are up by my ears with the awkwardness of it all! Good luck, OP.

      Hopefully things work out (even if that means it’s time to job-hunt), and definitely send us an update in the future!

  6. Mini Quiche*

    “We were together for three years and lived together for two of those years.”

    Whoa. That is… whoa.

    I agree with Allison here, but I REALLY want to stress the part about contacting Sylvia before the school years starts up. Even if she is perfectly happy and has completely made peace with what happened, seeing you is going to be a shock to the system. Even if she gets a staff list and knows you are working there, it’s going to be awkward for her to initiate contact (even if she doesn’t show it). You messed up big time (and you get credit for admitting that), so do the hard part and make the first step. I really don’t know how this is going to work out, but I wish you luck.

    1. Snarkus Aurelius*

      No, the OP doesn’t get credit for anything least of all admitting the obvious. Please don’t set the bar so low.

        1. Amy the Rev*

          To be honest, I’d argue that the majority of folks, myself included, often have a hard time admitting when we’re in the wrong, even when it’s obvious. While it is definitely behavior that *should* be expected, I think its uncommon enough that positive reinforcement can be used appropriately.

          Plus, if we’re hoping for someone to rehabilitate from their bad behavior, it isn’t helpful to avoid praise for ‘regular decent person behavior’ until they’ve reached the point of ‘going above and beyond good behavior’. Instead, we acknowledge *any* step in the ‘good behavior’ direction, even if it’s still below the ‘bar’ of what would be ideal. A person did something that they didn’t see as too horrible at the time, and now they are acknowledging that it wasn’t an ok thing to do. That’s progress, and it isn’t necessarily harmful to acknowledge that.

          That being said, it’s good OP, in general, that you’re able to acknowledge that what you did wasn’t OK. What’s happening now I’d see as falling into the ‘consequences’ category, and the onus is on you to go ‘above and beyond’ by doing whatever is best for Sylvia, whether or not it causes you personal hardship. It’s not punishment/penance, because punitive mindsets aren’t healthy in the workplace; it’s just a natural consequence of treating someone super shittily and being entirely in the wrong.

          1. Blue Anne*

            I understand what you’re saying, but I completely disagree. We’re talking about adults. I can agree with holding back on criticism to keep the conversation constructive, and I can certainly acknowledge how hard it is to work on yourself as a person even when you really want to (which I don’t see much evidence of in OP’s letter) but that’s as far as it goes.

          2. Jesca*

            I think that any person with a half brain writing in to AAM is going to recognize that what they did in this situation was wrong. At the same time, I have to disagree that most people don’t see that they are in the wrong. I think most people know basic right and wrong and know when have done something awful. (btw, I really hope you do recognize when you are wrong, because that is a really damaging and awful way to live one’s life otherwise!)

            All this is for the OP is fall out for when you have decided to treat another human being in a horrible manner.

            1. JB (not in Houston)*

              “I think most people know basic right and wrong and know when have done something awful.” I have met so, so many people who will tell you with no hesitation or sense of embarrassment awful things that they have done. People are very good at rationalizing the way the treat other people. And even when people realize on some level that they’ve done wrong, they are often not inclined to admit it. (Just ask any lawyer in private practice how often clients leave out important information because it might make them look bad).

              I’m not saying we should all pat the OP on the back and tell them what a great person they are for acknowledging what they did was wrong, but I don’t think it’s at all a bad idea to say it’s a good thing/positive first step that they will at least admit out in the open that they did a bad thing.

              2. Solidad*

                Humans judge others by their actions and themselves by intention.

                This man did something very, very horrible to another human. He can’t see it or admit it.

                He’s got larger issues than his job.

              3. Jesca*

                LOL what you are missing is that they do SEE IT. That is why they are leaving it out. Just because they are not telling you about it, doesn’t mean they don’t know that they did something awful. People know right from wrong.

                1. Solidad*

                  I used to think that, then I became a lawyer.

                  A lot of people have very skewed moral compasses. Even more judge other by different standards than they judge themselves.

                  Also, there are more people out there w “sociopathic tendencies” than most of us want to admit. Not full blown sociopaths, but on a spectrum.

                2. Jesca*

                  I will agree with you that sociopathy is on a continuum, but even sociopaths for the most part are aware of what is socially considered what is right and what is wrong. People like to spin things. God knows my recent ex did. But deep down inside? He was wrong and he knows it. That is why they lie. That is why they spin the truth. That is why they do all these face-saving actions. They freaking know, and this is their way of living with it.

                  I think you are thinking more a long the lines of people who exist who are devoid of rational thought. That is very different. Plenty of people are devoid of rational thought, and yeah nuanced situation play to their spins. but for crap like this? it is pretty cut and it is pretty dry. You do not do that. And if you after 10 years its just “history” to you, then you got problems you should really be looking into.

      2. Snark*

        Yeah, no credit for meeting the absolute bare minimum standard to which all non-sociopathic persons should be expected to meet.

        1. MommyMD*

          Yes. That letter about the manager who tormented the pretty coworker is haunting. Some things can’t be excused. Intentionally and persistently harming another innocent person is one. No pats on the head for seeking advice when horrendous behavior causes trouble. Advice, yes, but no kudos or head pats.

      3. Health Insurance Nerd*

        Agree, less than zero credit is deserved. The only reason he is coming clean now about what he did is because he has been backed into the smallest corner imaginable. And to paint Sylvia as a hysterical female for “obsessing” over the relationship, while failing to include the VERY pertinent detail of the length of the relationship, is just beyond the pale.

        1. Jesca*

          I always wonder who the people are who upon hearing tales such as these stated with such a lack of remorse, still decide to enter into/continue relationships with the person who did it.

      4. MommyMD*

        No credit or pats on the head. He’s only concerned bc his behavior is now affecting him. Some things are so bad they can’t be glazed over. His only hope is his ex is a much bigger person than he and has put his behavior behind her.

      5. The OG Anonsie*

        Yeah, I’m not gonna spank the LW since he (she?) obviously understands how people are going to view this situation and why. But I’m also not going to pat him on the back for it. As you say, that’s sort of the bare minimum level of responsibility to take, and admitting it was cruddy when describing it is sort of the least you can do.

    2. Liz T*

      I think that’s too low a bar, AND I think OP didn’t meet that bar! They did as much smack-talking of Sylvia as they did any sort of self-critique. They seem to think this was an etiquette breach, rather than a truly cruel, traumatic offense.

      1. The OG Anonsie*

        I catch whiffs of two things here: One is “I guess it was objectively wrong but she was crazy upset about it, which was not fair to me” and the other is “I guess it was objectively wrong but I can’t change the past so it’s not fair for me to still suffer consequences for it.” Both loop back around to him saying that he feels, back then and still today, that maybe it was a bad thing to do according to other people but that doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to see consequences.

        And you know, usually there really aren’t and repercussions to treating people badly. But sometimes life is funny, and like with the previous LW who had the bus confrontation with the CEO’s wife, when something comes back around to you then you have to accept when it really is all you and bow out gracefully. It sounds like he’s trying to spread the blame around a little (onto Sylvia, or say it should have faded with time) to make the consequences measure up as disproportionate to his actions, but the only really reasonable thing to do IMO is take it on the chin and make a transition plan. Anything else will just be digging a deeper and deeper hole.

        1. Solidad*

          I’ve handled many divorce cases.

          This guy reminds me of many cheaters, especially the rich white male ones. They will say to the judge with no irony at all that the issue wasn’t their cheating, the issue was the spouse’s hysterical, over-the-top reaction to finding out that their husband of 25 years has been having sex with everyone within 200 miles without protection.

          It’s very worrying that he doesn’t see that her reaction was normal and he should have anticipated it. He doesn’t have the same moral compass as I do. He also doesn’t seem to understand cause and effect.

          1. Liz T*

            Thank you! It’s pure egocentrism. “*I* don’t have a problem with my behavior, so anyone who does is a hysterical manipulative loon.”

          2. The OG Anonsie*

            Yeah. Digging into that angle of it would probably derail the comments more than is necessary / appropriate, but I absolutely read a very classic flavor of entitlement in here.

            It’s worth addressing enough to say essentially what Alison and everyone else has, which is that this is bad enough that you can’t really expect to not have to change jobs at this point. It might not feel fair, but is… Really is, in a lot of ways.

          3. Not So NewReader*

            If we move in with someone they tend to start thinking Long Term. It’s not unusual, I am not sure what OP thought would happen.

  7. Here we go again*

    “Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.”

    OP – It’s possible that she was not obsessed with the relationship, but was just looking for closure… There are so many people who are rational until someone does something like this to them.

    “I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama.”

    By not actually breaking up with her, you made it worse.

    All that being said, I think you need to reach out to her and acknowledge that you did a horrible thing and ask how you can work together professionally now.

    1. Murphy*

      By not actually breaking up with her, you made it worse.

      Yeah, absconding out of the country is the nuclear option of not actually breaking up with someone.

      1. CMDRBNA*

        Yeah, the way to avoid a ‘breakup drama’ is to break up completely, finally, and with as much amicability as you can, and then move on completely.

        Ghosting on someone basically guarantees there will be drama. It’s kind of like quitting a job with no notice. It may feel good or seem easier in the short term, but long term it comes back to bite you in the ass (something I learned the hard way).

        1. FDCA In Canada*

          I feel like this is far worse than ghosting–to me, ghosting is an early-relationship, “it would be too awkward to break up and I’m a coward” type thing. “Ghosting” on someone you’ve lived with for two years (which I’ll point out is long enough in some places to be a common-law marriage) is more like straight-up abandonment, which would be more like quitting a job by no-calling and no-showing after years of standard employment. And that would burn a bridge at a job badly–in a relationship where emotions and lives are intertwined, it’d be infinitely worse.

          1. Soon to be former fed*

            Very well said. Just no justification for ghosting in any long term serious association, work related or otherwise.

          2. Mike C.*

            This is much, much worse than quitting without notice. A job is a business agreement, a long-term relationship is much, much more significant.

            1. FDCA In Canada*

              Indeed, which is why I said “in a relationship where emotions and lives are intertwined, it’d be infinitely worse.” Having had this happen to me, I understand it.

            2. MashaKasha*

              Yeah, this is more like the way Milton quit without notice in Office Space. You leave work, you go home, you come back the next day and your office building is on fire.

              1. General Ginger*

                Milton at least mumbled he’d do that a few times. Doesn’t look like OP did even that.

          3. Liz T*

            Agreed. Ghosting is when you stop texting someone back; it’s passive. This was flamboyantly, actively cruel.

          4. Turtle Candle*

            I think, for me, the most horrifyingly telling part is that he’d relegated Sylvia to “forgotten history.” I can’t imagine being with someone for three years and living with them for two, ten years ago, and just… dismissing them like that? Like Alisain said, OOF. That combined with not even giving her the dignity of a “sorry it’s not working out” and just dropping her like a boring novel is, honestly, dehumanizing in a way that I’d find difficult to forgive and impossible to forget.

            It smacks of “I thought I could safely relegate her to nonentity, and it’s super inconvenient that she insists on continuing to be an entity.”

            1. Solidad*

              If he promised her a future and then did this, he could have caused major issues for her. But he wouldn’t know that, b/c he’s out of the picture.

              Actions have consequences. How one treats someone they claim to love says a lot about their moral fiber.

        3. Allison*

          Exactly. Nothing guarantees that there won’t be a fight or hurt feelings during an actual breakup with words, but at least in the end they know what’s happening and can start the healing process. Thing about being ghosted or abandoned is that even though deep down they meant to end it when they moved out, or stopped answering your texts, it’s hard to move on without that actual “I’m ending this now” conversation.

    2. K.*

      And she probably wondered if he was alive or dead! As Alison said, I don’t know a soul who, upon returning to the home that she shared with her long-term partner and finding that person and their belongings gone without a word or any indication that they were unhappy in the relationship, would not call their friends and family to find out WTF happened to them. “Oh, he must have moved out and left the country. Oh well!” is not a reaction that most people are going to have. I was pretty put off by the OP basically calling Sylvia hysterical when he behaved in such a way. Like, of COURSE she called his friends and family to find out what had happened.

      1. Cafe au Lait*

        Even saying “Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends,” the LW is gaslighting Sylvia’s perspective on this situation.

        1. Soon to be former fed*

          Yes! Who the hell wouldn’t have become emotional under those circumstances. To even describe her response in such a way makes OP sound a bit on the sociopathic side, ugh.

          1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

            Honestly I’m more surprised that it didn’t escalate to missing person reports and law enforcement involvement.

            1. Lora*

              Seriously, that would have been my first thought – as my grandmother used to say, “You could be dead in a ditch somewhere!”

            2. That Would Be a Good Band Name*

              Probably didn’t because the OP took all their stuff with them. Or at least that’s how I’m reading it when they say they moved out.

              1. JB (not in Houston)*

                Yeah, I can imagine who badly this must have affected Sylvia, but I’d be surprised if she thought he was dead since he took all his stuff with him.

            3. nonymous*

              I guess if she saw activity on social media, it would be pretty easy to figure out what happened.

            4. Case of the Mondays*

              That happened to a friend in high school. Mom came home and thought they were robbed and called the police. Turned out dad had emptied the house while mom was at work and moved across the country. He left the kids’ rooms untouched and that was how the police realized it wasn’t a robbery. Few robbers have the conscience to leave a computer or tv or other valuable even if it is in a kid’s room. I just remember her crying and saying that he even took the blender. He had never even used the blender.

        2. SignalLost*

          Yeah, that stood out to me. Sorry, OP, but whenever one chooses a “drama-free” solution, one has not chosen whether the other party will shrug and say it sucks but whatevs. Sylvia’s reaction to your actions is her business, and your distaste for the fact she reacted at all suggests that even if she was somehow at peace with the past and able to manage you, you are not able to be managed by her. You’re pretty dismissive of a REALLY HUGE terrible thing you did, and that she thinks it was really huge and terrible, and it’s clear that where you are involved in awareness of its awfulness, that’s because it’s now awful and inconvenient for you, not because you badly hurt someone.

          If you seemed remorseful, I would have a different take – I did some dumb, hurtful shit ten years ago that I’m not proud of, and that’s what growing up and doing better is – but it completely comes off that the only reason you want this to work is because it would be inconvenient for you to get another job, not because you realize what you did was wrong for anyone other than you in your current situation.

          1. Stacy*

            I just… wow. So OP, you want to relay a story of how you were utterly callous and cold hearted and… you want to dictate the tone of our comments.

            I’m not sure there’s anything constructive to be said other than: 1) Don’t refer to her as “emotional” and “obsessed” to your colleagues, or make any attempt to sully her reputation with that kind of talk; 2) Keep a strong check on your tendency to see any disciplines or reprimands she makes as sour grapes; 3) Get a grip on your view of her, pronto. She’s obviously skilled and qualified for the job.

            More than anything, you need to surrender your ego here and realize you did a terrible thing to someone you were supposed to care about, and this is karma coming back to bite you in the heiny. In other words, suck it up. If I were her and found out you were going to be working as my employee, I would have serious reservations about working with you, especially if I found out about the language you’ve used here. You’re still a danger to her because you’re referring to her this way, and you’re showing that you’re liable to see everything she does through this prism of being a jilted lover rather than your boss. It puts her in a terrible position–particularly if she has to reprimand you or discipline you.

            I see no way you can salvage this unless you do a 180 on your attitude. This isn’t about you not wanting to move or find another job or how this might inconvenience you. It’s about you making her as comfortable as possible and signaling you’re going to be professional, suck it up, and try to make the best of a very bad situation that you caused. That includes apologizing, sincerely.

          3. Not So NewReader*

            I agree that she might be fine and be professional but OP still thinks of her as hysterical with irrational behavior.

            OP, I have not seen anyone mention this yet, but maybe get some counseling so you can learn how your actions impact other people. Nothing happens in a vacuum. The stories in our lives accumulate and over time they shape us for better or worse.
            I am not sure where you learned abandonment is okay and it’s none of my business really. But please do some soul searching to find out why you think abandonment is okay. Yes, this is present tense I am using here. And that is because part of you STILL thinks abandonment is okay. It’s hurtful to people, it’s deeply hurtful to people.

        3. MashaKasha*

          Yup. If the OP had taken one second of his time to put himself in Sylvia’s shoes, that sentence would not have been written. This makes me question whether he really understands, even now, what he’d done back then.

      2. SarahTheEntwife*

        And assuming they were still living together at the time of the ghosting, there is so much administrative mess that then needs to be worked out. Can she afford rent? Does she need to find a new roommate? Did the LW leave all his stuff in the house to deal with or leave Sylvia now without either a partner or a couch?

        1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

          Yeah, that’s what I’m wondering. Like it’s hard for me to imagine a way the OP could have chosen to leave that would have involved more drama — just not drama that was all on Sylvia’s shoulders.

        2. MashaKasha*

          And they were both expats, no less. So she was dealing with all of that mess while living in another country.

        3. Allison*

          I would like to think he left the important furniture and key kitchen appliances, and just took whatever he could put in a box or suitcase like clothes, books, maybe some cookware, etc.

          But to clarify, I’d like to think that’s what happened.

          But yeah, even if he left her with all the stuff she needed, I wonder how long it took her to either get a new roommate, or move somewhere else. If they were living together, they probably only had one bedroom, so she may have had to move out if she couldn’t afford the full rent.

      3. JanetM*

        Oh, geeze. I just remembered when someone I knew somewhat distantly never returned from a vacation and cut off all contact with the guy she was seeing, her underage children, and her mother. There were police involved, among other things. Eventually a message filtered back through channels that she was fine and had started a new life.

    3. Yet Another Alison*

      OP, you inflicted some serious trauma on her. Please do not make this about her – it is about you and your immature actions. Try to put yourself in her shoes, at the time you just ghosted, and see how that makes you feel. You will need to find another job – no doubt. You may wish to use this time and experience to grow and reflect.

    4. Observer*

      “By not actually breaking up with her, you made it worse. “

      That assumes that you are trying to avoid drama for both people. If all you care about it your own comfort then this works.

      OP, I realize that none of this is what you wanted to hear, but as others have noted, you need to understand what Sylvia is probably thinking about you. Because odds are that if you don’t get ahead of this she will share this with others, which could harm your reputation quite badly. If you reach out to her, and assure her that you’ll be moving on at the end of the term, she might find it worth her while to not share her impressions. Otherwise?

      Do you really want to be tarred with the kind of negativity that Sylvia could paint you with? As noted down thread, from Sylvia’s point of view she know someone who is dishonest, non-confrontational to a fault, disrespectful of others, and unwilling to take responsibility. She’s clearly at a level where her word means something, so understand that what she says really could hurt you.

      1. Here we go again*

        Considering the ex reached out to OP’s friends and family, I don’t think it avoided drama for the OP at all.

      2. Amy*

        The whole point is, this didn’t work for his own comfort either. Even if he had successfully dodged all ‘drama’ in the short term (which it doesn’t sound like he did), it’s coming back now to bite him in the ass. You never know when people from your past might turn up again–isn’t it better to treat people reasonably well, so they don’t have reason to react badly to you?

        1. MashaKasha*

          Honestly I have no idea what OP was thinking in that regard. They both worked together, in what sounds like a fairly niche industry. It’s not like you’re both baristas at Starbucks and then one of you goes on to be a barista somewhere else and you never run into each other again professionally, or if you do, you change jobs.

          1. Amy*

            I mean, it’s very possible that one or both of them wasn’t in the field yet at that point. But that’s part of the point–you really never know how things will work out a decade down the line.

      3. Owl*

        And really, all she has to say is “we were living together for two years and then he moved out whilst I was on holiday.” That’s ALL the detail she needs to give for people to write you off entirely.

    5. birchwoods*

      Yep. I actually thought this might be my ex writing in… except it was right after my birthday and he’s not a math teacher. Then I saw all the other people this has happened to. What is wrong with people?! I probably could have been described as “rather emotional” and “obsessed with the relationship” and “causing various scenes with parents and friends” too. Because that’s the normal reaction when someone you’re in a long term relationship in goes off the grid. First you’re terrified that they’re dead in a ditch somewhere. Then you want to know what the heck happened that would make them do something like that, because it’s totally inhumane. She shouldn’t have to work with OP. If he has any smidge of humanity in him, he will find somewhere else to work. He’s done enough, the least he can do is leave her alone.

      1. Lissa*

        No idea. Though I do sometimes see advice that cowardly people could read as “if the relationship is bad enough you are absolved from anything you do in the breakup”, as people are typically not great at evaluating these things. I personally think it is always terrible to disappear on someone failing fear to physical safety…even in the most extreme situations, a note or phone call after moving out so the person at least knows what happened. I mean, I just almost can’t imagine anything worse, especially if I thought the relationship was going well, to have somebody I live with vanish. It would destroy my trust in everything for a good long time.

        I am truly boggled than anyone thinks a reasonable reaction to this would be a shrug and an “oh well, guess I got dumped” which is kind of how the letter reads.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          She thought it was going well and scared OP with talking about long term.

          OP, she actually loved you. She wanted to build a life with you. There is NO higher compliment. That is the ultimate compliment there is.

          1. Mina*

            This is why I can’t deal with the people defending him and accusing others of wanting him to wear a hair shirt or grovel. Sure, people make mistakes, and usually after ten years they come to regret the impact it had on others.

            What OP did was deeply traumatizing to someone who loved him, and the attitude I get from the letter (especially since he refers to it as a “conundrum”) is that he doesn’t recognize that trauma, nor does he really care. To me, that’s chilling.

    6. AnonForThis*

      +1

      OP’s ex is the completely reasonable one. It makes sense to be emotional in this situation! And her behavior doesn’t sound obsessive. Why wouldn’t you want to know why someone you lived with for two years and wanted to have a future with just disappeared?

      You end a relationship by … ending it.

      I have an ex who tries to contact me every so often by asking friends to tell me she says hi, or when she finds a new social media account I started and haven’t yet blocked her on. I broke up with her after we had a big fight, and she said and did some stuff that’s completely unforgivable to me. So I said “you’re a horrible person for saying that, we’re done, don’t ever talk to me again.” That’s when you can call the ex creepy and obsessed.

    7. Flossie Bobbsey*

      +1 to this. I came here to say that looking for closure and understanding is not the same as “bec[oming] obsessed with the relationship.” It’s unspeakably selfish/cruel to foist utter confusion and sudden loss on someone else to avoid dealing with “drama” oneself after that long and committed of a relationship. The fact that the OP selected these phrases (“obsessed,” “drama”) *more than a decade later* to describe what happened shows his *current* self-centered perspective on it and is, as someone else mentioned, gaslighting.

      It’s clear that OP doesn’t see this as a horrible mistake that he’s at all remorseful for — except insofar as it affects his current job and living situation. If the letter were worded differently or hinted that he understood and genuinely regretted (not just for self-centered reasons) what an emotional horror he caused this woman, I think OP would be seeing a lot more sympathy about the present predicament.

      The best OP can do is reach out and try to make amends, as others have said. But given that OP’s current perspective about his own actions doesn’t appear to have changed, I don’t have much hope for a happy ending here. I really don’t know that anything can be done to create a good working relationship at this point. I’d think it would take an exceptional person to completely forgive and forget when faced with starting an ongoing professional relationship with the perpetrator of such sudden, intentional abandonment, even a decade later. Sorry, OP. Horrible decisions sometimes have reverberating consequences.

    8. MashaKasha*

      Well, no kidding she became emotional! When I was planning leaving my husband, I came close to a nervous breakdown when a few people whose opinions I trusted, told me that my only option was not to tell him anything, quickly move out one day while he was at work, and serve him papers the same day. I remember being at work on lunch break, while my teammates were out at lunch, curled under my desk on the floor crying, because I COULD NOT DO IT. Much less have it done to me!* This might be the worst breakup story I’ve ever heard, and I’ve been on-and-off lingering in a breakup support group for years, and have heard some scary things!

      * I eventually talked to more people and figured out that I could actually talk to my husband like an adult, and tell him I had exhausted all other options, and was leaving. We ended up having a very amicable dissolution. Yay.

      1. Solidad*

        Assuming “emotional” is a bad thing when faced w this level of trauma says everything I need to know about the original poster.

        He’s got major lack of empathy issues

    9. Tuxedo Cat*

      She could’ve also been worried. Up and leaving someone like that without a word, after a long relationship, could be signs the person who left has some kind of trouble.

      1. Turtle Candle*

        Right. If this happened to me, I probably wouldn’t think they were dead, because dead people don’t take their stuff with them. (Unless they ancient pharoahs.) But I would probably think that they were in some kind of serious trouble, CSI-style, because otherwise why would you vanish suddenly without a word?

    10. Optimistic Prime*

      I would say that before she was looking for closure, she was probably just looking for the OP! If my spouse disappeared tomorrow and I had no idea where he went, the fist people I’d contact would be parents and friends…to see if I could find him and see if he was alive! Because if my spouse disappeared without a word to me my first assumption would be that something happened to him.

    11. Sunshine*

      I really don’t understand his family and friends either. Unless he spun some sort of yarn for them? I have one or two friends who would cover for me in this scenario, but as functioning human beings with human emotions they’d be furious with me.

  8. Murphy*

    Ouch. I’d do what Alison says. You definitely don’t want her to be blindsided by you being there. I would make the main point of your email “How do we proceed?” rather than the apology, though you should include the apology. Like Alison said, the apology will likely not come off as super sincere at this time.

    1. JulieBulie*

      Agreed… OP will get zero points for an apology, but will lose points without it. And this is a case where OP can’t afford to lose any points. But since the timing of the apology will make it look self-interested (which it apparently is), it’s better to lead with a focus on deciding what to do next.

    2. Michael Carmichael*

      Totally agree, lead with “how would you like to proceed,” but keep the apology anyway.

      We are assuming a lot about Sylvia’s reaction. I think it’s wise to assume the worst, but who knows? She may now be happily married and glad that relationship didn’t work out. I would be super glad if someone in my earlier life that I had hung relationship hopes on had proven so dramatically not to be the right person for me – would take a while to get there, but we don’t know where she is with this at all.

      However, having said that…doesn’t seem like this will work in the long term even if you can make it through the school term without incident. No matter what, you are highly unlikely to ever be trustworthy in her eyes, which won’t make for a good working relationship even if you can superficially keep it cordial.

    3. aebhel*

      This. Apologize, certainly–you owe her one–but the point should be the practical matters of making this as painless as possible for her. Don’t take up space with declarations of how bad you feel about what you did; you clearly don’t, for one thing, and that will be obvious in any correspondence you send her, and even if you did, that’s not her problem.

    5. Kowalski! Options!*

      Time wounds all heels. I’m sorry. I know that isn’t constructive or helpful in this situation, but it’s the stark reality of the effects of astoundingly poor decisions.

    7. MV*

      +1 – He was hoping the avoid drama and in order to avoid it here I think he needs to move on from this job, however much of a hassle that will be for him now (I am sure it was a hassle and financial burden to suddenly have ton pay all the rent and bill instead of splitting them for her when you disappeared). If the ex-pat community is tight once word of what happened comes out you will not have many friends I think.

      1. JulieBulie*

        It appears that OP has grown at least a little bit – he’s not planning to ghost on his job!

        1. Rusty Shackelford*

          Only because the OP likes the job and the area and wants to stay there. Or at least, that’s all we get from the email. There’s absolutely no indication that the OP wants to stay because leaving would be problematic for the school.

    10. jess!*

      I agree with all the people who rightly point out that seeing OP could be traumatic for Sylvia, but MAN OH MAN if I were in Sylvia’s shoes I would be GLEEFUL. It wouldn’t be professional but it would feel like karmic retribution of the highest order.

    12. L.*

      Ha, yes! Not constructive, but I will think of this letter whenever I’m having a tough day. It’s a reminder to keep on, and that maybe, someday, I will be rewarded as Sylvia has been, with my crapsack ex at my total mercy!

    14. NecroFishmonger*

      This is not “ghosting”.

      This is “Resurrecting the undead by unholy blood sacrifice using ancient relics of unknown origin, asking a single question, then conducting a rite of the unquiet dead, killing the person with an overdose of amphetamine and epinephrine, then binding the tethered soul to a Hello Kitty doll you then turn into a chew toy for your pet shihtzu, who humps and chews it in equal measure.”

      I know that “ghosting” means to just leave without warning. But what this guy did is not ghosting.

      And let’s be clear, managing or being managed by a ghosted ex is one thing. This guy?

      I had to imagine a profane, unholy ritual of corpse reanimation and desecration to describe what this guy did.

      It’s not just the job he should be ditching at this point. My suggestion is: job, career, city, country, continent – in that order, because the minute this story gets out to literally any coworker, this guy’s career path flatlines so hard it would break the heart monitor.

    1. Shadow*

      i can’t imagine someone coming in brand new to a job with unknown co workers and no feeling of belonging yet would stay once . I bet she would quit or back out as soon as she found out op was her subordinate.

        1. SignalLost*

          I don’t know about that, but I’m pretty sure this would not be a grin and bear it situation for me, were I Sylvia. I would rather explain a gap or a non-field-related job on my resume next year than work with someone who did this to me.

      2. Mike C.*

        No way. She’s in control, she’s going to make the OP’s life a living hell.

        Frankly, I don’t blame her.

        1. Shadow*

          She can’t though really without damaging her reputation. You can’t take out your personal grievances at work without everyone gossiping about it. And she’s got more to lose than him.

          2. JulieBulie*

            Well the nice thing is that she doesn’t really have to do a thing in order to make things difficult for OP. He’s already uncomfortable.

          4. L.*

            Yes, damaging her reputation or even risking a sexual harassment/retaliation lawsuit from OP, because she would be motivated by their failed relationship. (to be clear, sounds like the OP is more to blame for that…) At least, in USA that would be a concern for both Sylvia and her employer.

            1. Mike C.*

              Just because the conflict stems from a previous relationship doesn’t mean that this would be sexual harassment.

          5. Turtle Candle*

            This reminds me: OP, if you do leave, please, PLEASE resist any temptation to smear her on the way out. Even subtly, a la, “she’s probably too emotional to work with me anyway” or “I have to leave because she’s kinda obsessed with me” or any of the other sideways digs in the letter. It may be tempting to lash out and tarnish her possibly before she even arrives, but please don’t.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Mike, all she has to do is show up for work and OP is immediately in hell.

          Alfred Hitchcock understood this very well. What people imagine in their minds is usually far, far worse than anything that can be shown on screen.
          I am thinking that OP will probably conjure up ten different ways that she is taking a baseball bat to his knees. And in reality she has done nothing but be professional. What happens in our minds can be the ultimate terror.

          OP, are you prepared to view her in an unbiased, professional manner? Can you let go of the ideas about hysteria, etc? Can you behave in a manner that is ABOVE reproach at all times?

      3. Gandalf the Nude*

        If one of them goes, it should be the OP. It was her bad behavior that brought this mess on, and she should carry the consequences rather than inflicting them on Sylvia again.

          1. JB (not in Houston)*

            Yeah, if I were Sylvia, I can’t even describe how I’d feel. The OP is going to be embarrassed and worried about how she’ll treat him/what she’ll do with the information. But it’s not going to be the emotional punch in the gut that it will be for Sylvia. Some of the commenters here think they’d want to make his life miserable, and maybe Sylvia will be angry and not thrown for a loop. But if it were me, I think it would just turn my completely upside-down. The last thing I’d want is to see or be around him. I agree with Alison and others who have said he needs to let her know ahead of time that he works there so she won’t get blindsided.

    2. MV*

      Why should she? She is the boss and since he is about avoiding drama he needs to get out. Why should she cause harm to her career?He already screwed her over once, no need to do so again.

  11. Sara*

    You should immediately reach out and see if you can either schedule a coffee or meeting with her so you can clear the air. I would not want my first face to face with an ex that disappeared on me to be at a staff meeting.

    1. EddieSherbert*

      I think he could maybe include a line in his apology email/call/whatever inviting her to meet up… if he really wants to discuss things… but if I was her, I would totally balk at meeting up with this guy. Noooooo thank youuuuu.

      Apology – okay. thanks.
      When I’m at work – fine, I can be civil (not sure if I could handle being OP’s manager though!)
      casual meeting in my free time for unknown reasons? Haha, funny… No way in heck.

      1. Sara*

        I wouldn’t want to hang out necessarily, but maybe he could come in early before the first day. I’m just thinking personally of starting at a new school and seeing that person’s face for the first time in 10 years – I feel like emotions would come up you wouldn’t expect. I’d want to get that interaction done in private and then move on professionally.

        1. Goya*

          yeah no….if I was Sylvia, OP showing up early on the first day would in no way help. At least if they meet before the start of the school year, she has time to collect herself without ruining HER first day as well.

          All of this assuming it is still even an issue for her! We (the commenters and the OP) are assuming that she’ll be completely broken up by this. And while I think it’s very likely…I also think it’s very vain to assume that she’ll have any qualms about this. OP acted like a total jerk, she could be moved on with spouse & kids – chalking it up to learning what type of partner they DON’T want.

      2. Lala*

        Dude, if someone who did what the OP did asked to meet up with me after 10 years, I would absolutely schedule a meeting to discuss things. And then I would not show up, or respond to anything asking why I didn’t show up.

        I mean, that doesn’t even begin to touch the level of revenge that would be fitting, but it would be a fun start.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I’d show up.
          I’d remind OP that he will be held to the same standards as everyone else without exception. I’d tell him “All that exists is present time. We keep all discussions in present time. No mention of the past. Ever.”

          Then I would ask him how he would fare with constructive criticism from me. There is no right answer to this question. Some answers are stronger, confidence inspiring and some answers are weaker, perhaps red flags.
          I had a boss that insisted everyone work with everyone, no excuses and no exceptions. Some people can make a go of this and some people absolutely cannot.

    2. BethRA*

      “Yes” to reaching out, “no” to suggesting coffee/meeting. OP should be open to the possibility, but I think suggesting it would put Sylvia back on her heels. If it were me, my response to such an offer would not be polite.

  12. S.I. Newhouse*

    The odds of such a thing happening are so astronomically low that it blows my mind that this even happened. But it just goes to show that there are almost always consequences for actions like these, even far down the road, after it’s long forgotten. I think Alison’s advice is your only way to go — you have to contact her, and hope for the best. Good luck, OP.

    1. my two cents*

      eh, I’ve since switched industries after 8 years of microcontrollers to 2 years in power and I still occasionally run into folks I never expected to see again. (typically at a random tradeshow or something, but I’m female engineer with piercings/tattooos and I tend to stick out a bit)

      Depending on how niche these types of schools are, and if the OP’s profile and pic are posted to the school’s site, she might have done some legwork to track him down.
      THIS IN NO WAY EXCUSES OP’S BEHAVIOR. It just slims the odds down further that they’d run into each other.

    2. LizB*

      It strikes me that the OP has knowingly chosen a career where they can’t move jobs easily or on their own timeline, the number of possible employers is small, and coworkers are generally very close and spend lots of time together. That kind of situation means that if your chickens ever come home to roost, you’re stuck with them. If I knew that there was at least one person out there in the world who rightfully hated my guts, I don’t know that I’d choose that particular employment niche.

    3. Snark*

      I don’t think it’s that low, actually. There’s a roving community of expats who teach at international schools and move around the world, and I know people who’ve run back into multiple old friends from, say, Thailand when they take a job at the international school in South Africa or whatever. It’s a small number of employers, a small pool of applicants, and that pool of applicants tends to have wanderlust and end up in the same places.

      1. Anonintheuk*

        I was coming to say this. I was an expat child, and my parents continued to do the circuit twenty years after I finished school. Now some of my contemporaries are roving teachers.

        I would be willing to bet that within 2 or 3 connections I know someone who knows either Sylvia or the OP.

  13. Inspector Spacetime*

    Wow. “Chickens come home to roost,” indeed.

    Apologize, do your best to stick out the rest of the term if you can, and then move on. I would definitely start looking for other employment opportunities now, just in case.

  14. k8*

    “Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.”

    but you….disappeared….after three years………………………I feel like this kind of response should be expected??

    idk i have nothing constructive or helpful to say here lol. you’ve dug yourself a hell of a grave, and at the very least, it sounds like you’ll have a pretty awkward school year . . .

    1. Mes*

      I know right? Who wouldn’t try to track down their long term partner? Poor Sylvia probably thought OP was kidnapped or dead!

    2. Traveler*

      Yeah. I came here to advise that you not say things like she was “obsessed with the relationship” when discussing this with anyone. Up and disappearing on someone after 3 years when you’ve been living together is abnormal behavior. She was probably in shock and not dealing with the situation well, and attempting to get answers. I don’t know the details, so maybe you were saving yourself from a very scary or negative situation but to someone on the outside, without more context, it sounds like you did something cruel and are trying to use the “crazy ex gf” card to relieve yourself of some of the blame.

      1. teclatrans*

        I once dated a guy whose ex-gf kept showing up am threatening me physically, and his explanation was “*shrug*, guess she’s kinda crazy?” I mean, sure, they still shared title on a car and swapped it occasionally, and sure, he still let her take his clothes to the cleaners, and when she called to invite him to breakfast he said yes because he didn’t want to be mean, but man, what was hee problem?

        One day I sat down and walked him through the logic: you say she is “crazy,” do you mean she has actual, serious mental illness that is not being managed? (No.) Was she this way before you broke up? (No.) Is it possible that she has a different understanding about this whole situation, and that your words or actions might be contributing? (…)

        Anyway, one day he called to tell me, in amazement and wonder, that she didn’t know they were broken up. Apparently she fought by hurling insults and mean words, and he’d told her he was finished during a fight, and she thought he’d just been trying to hurt her. So, from her perspective, they were still dating and I was an infidelity. He was gobsmacked.

        All of which is to say, gaslighting can come from pure self-centeredness and refusal to recognize that your actions have meaning and consequence, and you don’t get to dictate what those are. Also, anytime a woman’s actions are blown off as overemotional and crazy, I wonder what is missing from the story.

        2. Solidad*

          I’m an old. One piece of advice I give younger friends who date men (be they male or female): any man who describes an ex as crazy should be interrogated as to why she was crazy. If more than one ex was crazy? Run.

          Usually the exes aren’t crazy. There are communication issues.

          Now, women can and do have some similar red flags, but usually the terms they chose are not “crazy.” This seems to be, in my experience, directed at women and gay men. As are words such as “emotional” and “hysterical.”

          1. Laura*

            Brilliant advice. When dating I would always ask about their last relationship and they needed to talk about their ex with respect. They chose her. I’m even harsher than you – one “she was crazy” and I would have been out of there.

    3. all aboard the anon train*

      Yeah. That whole sentence is a prime example of gaslighting, and that’s not going to help the OP in any way. Saying such a thing is only going to make it worse.

    4. WellRed*

      Did the family and friends also gaslight her, I wonder? That would make anyone ….Not relevant to question, but wow!

      1. Gadfly*

        Birds of a feather, apples falling from trees, etc–I would bet some did. And I bet it caused issues for OP’s relationships with those who didn’t.

  15. Observer*

    When you do acknowledge your behavior, you need to do so without any “sorry you were hurt” or any reference to her being “emotional” or “being obsessed with the relationship.” Breaking up with her was ok, but the way you did it was NOT, which means that any hint that you had a problem with her behavior is going to hurt you. Also, if there is any chance that you are going to be able to work for her – even for the one term, you need to rethink your assessment of her. It’s not just that may have changed, which is quite possible. It’s also that what you describe as emotional and obsessed sounds to most people as not all that strange. You’ll have a much better chance of getting through this if you view her as a reasonable adult rather than as someone who was needy and obsessive, who you hope has changed for the better.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Not only this, but you need to demonstrate that *you* have changed for the better. Sylvia’s reaction to finding her partner of three years gone was not inappropriate and I sincerely hope that you realize that now from your vantage point 10 years later.

      Do not in any way make what happened back then out to be her fault. You behaved badly. If there is any hope of salvaging this situation, you need to own that unequivocally.

    2. CMDRBNA*

      Yeah, and I find it verrrrrrrrrrry interesting that his take on it, even after all this time, is that Sylvia was emotional and obsessed. That’s a very interesting narrative that he’s telling himself.

      I’m trying to imagine the emotional impact that having someone ghost in that way (and that’s not really ghosting – ghosting is not returning texts, this is more like abandonment) and I can’t imagine what Sylvia must have gone through, being blindsided like that. I think I would have been ’emotional and obsessed’ too.

      1. sunny-dee*

        I know! Ghosting is not at all the same as abandoning someone. These are not the same actions, and it costs the OP a lot that he doesn’t see that.

        Even if he left some kind of note — “I’m not feeling this. Bye!” — I definitely would have tried contacting friends and family to hunt him down and just have a conversation about why. Living with someone for two years is a commitment. It’s not marriage, but you’re living together and she’s talking marriage. That is a committed relationship. It’s not obsessive to at least attempt to figure out what’s going on and if there’s anything that can be done — that’s literally where the committed part of “committed relationship” comes into play.

      2. AMPG*

        I know someone who was “ghosted” by their spouse in this way – they had been together a couple of years in a seemingly happy marriage, they had a fight, then my acquaintance came home from work to find their spouse packed and gone, and divorce papers couriered over a couple of days later but no in-person contact at all. This person was still going to grief support groups ten years later, and I can’t say I blame them.

        1. Doug Judy*

          I also found the fact that he described a three year relationship as long forgotten about odd too. You don’t forget someone you lived with for two years. I wonder if his more recent relationships knew what he did to her.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Am shaking my head.
          I had a couple relatives who were divorced and widowed (two marriages each) and they said that divorce was BY FAR harder than being widowed. That is how hard it is to separate from a pairing, OP. It’s worse than if the person died. And I have met a few people who feel this way.

    3. LavaLamp*

      This. Honestly, I feel like I need to say it because I don’t see anyone else has.
      OP, you need to dial down your ego. Whenever a guy says their ex was ‘crazy and obsessed with them’ I automatically assume that the person saying it has a really undeservedly high opinion of themselves, because that has been my experience.

      1. teclatrans*

        Word. I posted above about this at length, but short version, I have decided that anytime a guy says this, he is discounting whatever he did to put her into such a state, as well as recasting her actions to fit the narrative of overemotional, obsessed, etc.

    4. INTP*

      I agree with all of this.

      And, if OP can’t bring himself to change his perception of Sylvia like you describe, at the absolute very least, he should keep his opinions 100% to himself and never say a negative word about her to anyone. Ideally OP will think about this and stop thinking of Sylvia as someone who was “crazy” or intrusive or out of line in trying to find him, but if not, he absolutely 100% cannot *say* anything even slightly implying this to anyone else. OP, you lost the right to vent about this woman or say anything even remotely negative about her, even just venting about her as a boss, even getting drunk and letting something slip to friends, even when you’re frustrated with her and desperate to vent your feelings to your closest local confidantes. You’re in a tight knit community where people will talk, and you’ve already screwed her over once. You absolutely can only say positive things about her from now on. (And you should also let her decide whether you’ll even acknowledge having met each other prior. Ask her how she wants to handle it and go along with whatever she wants to do, whether that’s spinning you as a villain or never admitting to a soul that you’ve ever even met before.)

  16. MissAnnElk*

    Just for clarity, what you did wasn’t “ghosting.” As Alison pointed out, that’s more of an early-in-the-relationship move. What you did was more like abandonment, and calling it ghosting sounds flippant. I agree you should contact Sylvia to apologize (sincerely!) and to give her a heads-up, but please don’t call it ghosting or you may give her the impression that you don’t realize or care about the magnitude of what you did.

    1. CMDRBNA*

      Yeah, ghosting is not returning someone’s texts after a few dates. Ghosting is not living with someone for two years and moving out of the country while they’re gone. That is abandonment.

      2. INTP*

        Seriously. There are Dateline specials about people who have done things like this. Investigations are conducted. It wouldn’t be unusual for someone that disappeared overnight to have committed suicide or had a mental break or be found living under a false identity. Causing a scene with family is a sometimes-inappropriate thing that very normal people do under extreme circumstances, disappearing on a long-term partner in this manner is something that is at least seen as a thing that, well, only very not-normal people would ever do. Which I don’t say to pile on OP but I think he will need to recognize the full gravity of what he did in order to view Sylvia and her behavior in a fair way, and he needs to be objective and fair about her in order to work with her.

    2. MashaKasha*

      Yup. Like most people, I’ve been ghosted. Met him on match, we went on three dates, he stopped contacting me after the third, responded to my texts by saying we should “just be friends”, and cut contact altogether soon after. Felt terrible for a few weeks after that, but absolutely no big deal six years later. I barely even knew the guy. That was classic ghosting. What OP did was something completely different. I… honestly… have no name for it, it is so mind-blowingly awful, I do not know what to call it. Definitely not ghosting.

      1. Laura*

        That’s not ghosting – he told you he had no sexual interest in you. He behaved decently and didn’t just disappear.

  17. Snarkus Aurelius*

    Similar to the former high school bully who didn’t get a job, I’m getting the same vibe with this letter. You’ve told us your truth, but the bigger concern is HER truth about what you did. That we’ll never know, but it’s never surprising that offenders tend not to fully remember all of their bad behavior and/or minimize the negative consequences intentionally or unintentionally. (For example, I’ll never believe the former bully’s version of events because there’s a fantastic chance that wasn’t the entire story.)

    I’m not trying to dump on you here. You’ll get plenty of that. But like the former bully, you need to realize there could be a lot more (or less but unlikely) to Sylvia’s side of things, which will factor in how she treats you. You shouldn’t be surprised at all if you get a chilly response, and you don’t get to blame her for that either.

    I’d also like to reemphasize what AAM said. Please stop calling Sylvia “emotional” and “obsessed” and “causing various scenes.” Your behavior caused her to act that way. If you’d been upfront with her from the start and she acted that way anyway, THEN you can use those terms. But you didn’t so she’s entitled to act like she has no clue where here live-in, long-term partner disappeared to.

    Oh and yeah you should find another job somewhere else. If you think that’s a pain in the butt because you don’t want to move, well, consider what you put Sylvia through. My guess is moving is easier than what she endured.

    1. Spooky*

      “Please stop calling Sylvia “emotional” and “obsessed” and “causing various scenes.” Your behavior caused her to act that way. ”

      10000x this.

      1. Sara*

        Right! If someone abandoned me, I would go a little crazy wondering if they were ok and probably reach out to family and friends to make sure things were ok. If he had just broken up with her, she probably would have been upset but could deal with it constructively!

      2. paul*

        No kidding.

        You just up and vanish, and most partners would try to find out if you are, you know, alive. That’s not obsessed.

      3. Yet Another Alison*

        Spooky – you said it better than I did – or wrote it better. + infinity to your comment.

    3. k8*

      yes to your third paragraph! I find it really hard to respect his person for “coming clean” or whatever when they have that kind of attitude . . . honestly makes it sound like they don’t really think they did anything too wrong and are just upset because it’s coming to bite them in the ass.

    4. Observer*

      “Please stop calling Sylvia “emotional” and “obsessed” and “causing various scenes.” Your behavior caused her to act that way. ”

      Seriously! Don’t just stop calling her that – stop thinking that way.

      1. Solidad*

        Dude has issues with being self-centered, issues with women, or issues with seeing his own actions clearly. Maybe some combination.

        He needs to do some serious self-reflection or this will not be the worst thing he does to himself.

        He also needs to stop framing this as something that “just happened.” He caused this. This is the natural outcome of his selfish and cowardly behavior.

    5. Traveler*

      I’d also put out there that its possible that this was 10 years ago and Sylvia has moved on and would be insulted that an ex bf would think that he still has that much hold over her. So I’d tread very lightly and not make any assumptions about how she might feel about this LW.

      1. Snarkus Aurelius*

        I tried to account for this in my original response. If it’s true, then kudos (yes kudos!) to Sylvia.

        But that scenario isn’t too likely.

      2. AMPG*

        I think it’s entirely possible that she’s put the experience itself behind her, but I think it’s very unlikely that she would ever see the LW as a decent person that she could have a productive working relationship with.

      3. Traveler*

        Oh yes, Snarkus, your original post was great. And I agree that it might not be very likely, just wanting to emphasize that LW needs to tread very lightly with all of this.

    6. TootsNYC*

      it’s never surprising that offenders tend not to fully remember all of their bad behavior and/or minimize the negative consequences intentionally or unintentionally.

      This is something I try very hard to NOT ; it’s really, really uncomfortable. Like–really.
      But I try very hard to MAKE myself sit with that discomfort, to hold on through it.
      That’s the only way to ever grow. You never, ever become a better or kinder person by making up excuses for yourself or by pushing your faults off onto someone else.

      (and this is projection–the OP created the drama)

    7. Trout 'Waver*

      Be very careful with the “Your behavior caused her to act that way.”

      Sylvia still has agency in her actions regardless of how OP acted.

      1. Health Insurance Nerd*

        Right, but his behavior DID cause her to act that way, and I cannot imagine any normally rational person not losing their mind a little over essentially being literally abandoned by their partner of three years.

        Come on.

        1. Trout 'Waver*

          I think a better word is that the OP’s behavior influenced Sylvia. I wouldn’t say it unilaterally caused any particular actions on Sylvia’s part.

          1. Health Insurance Nerd*

            We’ll need to agree to disagree then. Because I would say that his actions 100% caused her to react the way she did.

              1. Snark*

                No, it doesn’t do that at all. It recognizes that when you do something gaslighty and emotionally abusive, you own the pain you cause. Your approach seems to minimize the ethical relationship there.

                2. Health Insurance Nerd*

                  Thank you, Snark. I was trying to come up with a reply that wouldn’t break the “be kind” rule, and was falling short!

              2. AMPG*

                You’re nitpicking wording, here. The OP’s choices/actions provoked Sylvia’s. Is that better? The point is that nothing she did would have happened without his actions precipitating them, AND her actions were an understandable reaction to his.

          2. Soon to be former fed*

            Your word parsing is unhelpful and not useful. Yeah, abandoned person could have responded in a somewhat sociopathic way herself, but so what? Her actions were normal, understandable, and defensible. What we do impacts other people.

      2. Snarkus Aurelius*

        And the OP is still responsible for his actions in her reaction.

        We see this all the time on AAM: one person has more substantive knowledge and insight than another person, yet there’s so much befuddlement when the latter person acts out most times in ignorance.

      3. chomps*

        @Trout ‘Waver. I think you’re misreading the comment. We aren’t saying that Sylvia isn’t responsible for her own actions, we are saying that the OP is most likely completely mischaracterizing Sylvia’s actions. He called her obsessive, but she was most likely just trying to figure out what happened to her boyfriend! You can’t just disappear from a 3-year relationship and expect the other person to not try to figure out where you went! And doing that involves contacting friends and family. It’s a completely reasonable reaction.

      4. aebhel*

        That’s like saying that if someone punches me and I yell ‘ouch’ I still have agency and they shouldn’t have to take the blame for my yelling. Sylvia acted like almost any normal human being would in her situation.

      5. Mary*

        “caused her to act that way” This still seems to presume that “the way she acted” was a problem! It’s not even that she was “justified in being a little unhinged” because of what OP did. The actions he describes – contacting his family after he disappeared- are the normal, rational thing to do if you partner disappears. You’d better believe that if I came home one day and found my partner had gone I’d call her family and friends to try and find her. Shrugging and moving on without making any attempt to contact or find them would be the abnormal response!

        1. Health Insurance Nerd*

          In no way am I presuming that the way she acted was a problem. The only persons whose actions were a problem is the LW.

          1. Mary*

            Sorry, that was meant to be a response to Trout Waver, who did seem to be suggesting that Sylvia needed to be held responsible for her actions Ina way that implied those reactions were bad.

        2. Observer*

          I think that the OP caused Sylvia to act the way she did – and that the way she acted was perfectly normal to to expected. That, in some ways, is the thing that blows me away the most. How did the OP not see that this was a HIGHLY likely outcome of his behavior?

      6. Not So NewReader*

        Very few people would do nothing if their SO was missing.
        I don’t think contacting fam and friends is causing a scene. It’s called, “looking for someone who is suddenly missing”. A fairly normal reaction.

        And, OP, you put people in a very awkward spot when they had to explain to your SO where you were. Basically you let other people give her YOUR break up message. You owe all these people a heartfelt apology also.

        I have a very satisfying story of a husband who abandoned a wife and two children. His family kept the wife and kids and ditched HIM. It’s been decades and they still check on the (now adult) kids.

    8. SomeoneLikeAnon*

      It’s a really fair point about how Sylvia may have also created her own narrative to the breakup. I know that when I broke up with an ex I had the reasons for the breakup at that time. Upon reflection and the distance of time, I had stronger reasons that were red flags but not part of my orginal reasoning; however, if having to explain the story, I tell the red flag reasons. Sylvia may have also created some story and based on OP’s actions, I highly doubt it would be favorable toward his/her personal conduct.

      1. MashaKasha*

        Yes this is correct. No relationship ever ends because everything is perfect; or even because everything is perfect for one side while being flawed for another. There are plenty of red flags on both sides. I’ve had a serious partner of a few years initiate a breakup twice, and both times after some time and analysis, I’d realize that they had done me a favor by ending things; that I would’ve either left myself, or burned myself out trying to keep a failing relationship going, if they hadn’t left.

  18. The Mighty Thor*

    Wow. I’d say how horrible it is to ghost someone, but you clearly already know that. Alison’s advice sounds good (as it always is) and I hope this ends as well as it possibly can. Please write back with an update when you have one, OP.

    1. Oh Well*

      “how horrible it is to ghost someone, but you clearly already know that”
      Does he really though? LW still feels his decision to “minimize the break up drama” was correct because she “became emotional.” So he’s not sorry he left that way. In his mind he was right; he called it!
      He never felt that her reaction and subsequent actions were justified. There was no empathy for her concern for him. She wasn’t worried that he was dead, she was obsessed. He called it again, more “drama.”
      He feels horrible that he may have to face unpleasant consequences of an action that he buried in his past.

      1. Flossie Bobbsey*

        Oh Well hit the nail on the head. OP clearly does NOT understand how horrible his actions were. All expressions of recognizing he shouldn’t have done what he did are in the context of realizing it will impact his current job/living situation. Purely self-interested.

      2. Anon55*

        +10000 and if I was Sylvia, I’d be really concerned that he’d smear me to coworkers/management. I mean, he’s basically made her sound like a loon (not that anyone here actually bought it, but still) and that line about the comments not “having a go” at him was telling. Um, you chose to write in about this situation and you don’t get to dictate that people don’t call out your behavior. There’s something really off about people who go around like the human version of Teflon and expect poor behavior to never actually reflect badly on them.

    2. Phouka*

      For me, it was “living together” — two years? After two years LW just…disappeared.
      Heck, if a platonic roommate of mine disappeared after two years of sharing the rent, I’d be overturning heaven and earth to figure out what happened to them, including calling their family, work, and anyone else I could contact.

      2. Turtle Candle*

        Even a roommate that I didn’t LIKE, if they vanished into the ether suddenly along with all their stuff, I’d be looking into it! Because that’s just weird and frightening all by itself.

    3. IMakeSigns*

      Same! I thought my eyes were going to fall out of my head from the shock when I read that.

  20. Amber Rose*

    LW, I understand that you don’t want to/are not in a position to change jobs. That you do not want advice dealing with leaving your current position.

    Unfortunately, that’s all anyone can really say. Terrible actions have terrible consequences. I’m not having a go at you, but you need to understand that while you can’t change what you did, the fact is you did it and you need to face the music for it. In this case, that may very well be being forced to leave this job, regardless of the situation that puts you in. It sucks, but well, your actions sucked, and sometimes life comes around in unexpected ways.

    Reach out to her, explain that you work in this place and that you would like to talk to her about what that will look like for you both. It’s possible she won’t care. It’s more probable she will though, and considering the harm you’ve done, I think one small step towards admitting fault and making amends will be to offer to leave.

    1. Doug Judy*

      This. LW’s been living consequence free for 10 years for doing what is a very horrible thing.

      Sorry OP, but you have a chance to do the right thing now which is to resign. It might be inconvenient for you but you inconvenienced her AND broke her heart. Dealing with a temporary inconvenience of moving and finding a new job pales in comparison to what she likely went through.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        All this.

        OP, part of being an adult is doing things we don’t want to do.
        You skipped the part about having a break up conversation with her. Now you don’t want to move, you don’t want to look for another job, etc. You know, everyone else feels the same way. No one likes having difficult conversations, no one likes being forced to move, no one likes job hunting and so on. This is life.

        Adults deal with stuff they do not like on a daily basis. Today alone, I had a sick dog, three major time consuming problems at work and a tornado watch. It’s not a fun day. There is no avoiding the parts we don’t like.

      2. CM*

        Resign AND send a note saying, “I’m so sorry for hurting you. I was a terrible, immature person and I deeply regret what I did to you. Now that I’ve learned you are going to be the new head of the school, I have decided that the only decent thing to do is resign. You deserve to start fresh and I don’t want to cause you any more pain.”

  21. BlondeAnon*

    When you talk with her you might mention how you were young and immature, only for it to possibly soften what happened years ago. We all make mistakes in life, especially when young and we may not handle situations well… Perhaps since time has passed she is simply over it. But she will likely question your judgement since she will be a manager over you. I am hoping it works out for you both.

    1. LizB*

      I think mentioning being young and immature would ring hollow, unfortunately. I had a messy, painful, shouldn’t-have-been-that-hard breakup when I was young and my partner was young and neither of us knew how to deal with emotions. This is… above and beyond any normal young person relationship mistake.

      1. JaneB*

        Old enough for the parts to work, old enough to live together in presumably a common-law marriage type situation, well beyond room mates – old enough to end it at least by TELLING THE PERSON.

        Youth is NO EXCUSE.

      1. RG*

        This is a super interesting question to think about! I personally believe that many accidents are mistakes or are the product of mistakes, but not all mistakes are/cause accidents. For example, I can see that an action was a mistake in hindsight, even if it was a deliberate decision at the time. That could be because I messed up the calculus (either in error or in lack of experience) because I didn’t see a path, or because I was blind to a bias. Do you feel differently?

        1. Bend & Snap*

          I do actually. A mistake, to me, has a sense of the unknown as far as impact/consequences. The OP’s action seems to have been thought out pretty thoroughly, motivations are clear, and the only unforeseen result is this job issue. So there’s no “oops” factor.

          That makes it more of a poor decision than a mistake.

          1. RG*

            Fair. We definitely have different interpretations on this. I personally don’t think a mistake means an “oops” factor in the same way an accident does. I also think you can have a clear motivation at the time and later realize you’d made a mistake. You can even make a terrible mistake! I also don’t think categorizing something as a mistake in ANY way absolves anyone of responsibility. We’re responsible for our mistakes and, just like saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t mean you necessarily get forgiven, saying something’s a mistake is not a mitigation of responsibility for the decision at the time. But I do think, if someone says something was a mistake, it’s a recognition that what they did wasn’t the correct decision, even if they only recognize it in hindsight, and they’re not doubling down on it.

      2. Rachel Green*

        I have been wondering the same thing! It’s not like he woke up one day while his girlfriend was out of town, and decided to move back in with his parents. He applied to a job out of the country, hid the job search from her, didn’t tell her when he’d accepted the job, then just relocated to another country. That isn’t just something that happens over a matter of days. He would have had to plan all this out over months. Work visas, packing, airfare, so much stuff! He hid all that from her and then purposefully chose to leave while he knew she wouldn’t be there. How on earth could such deliberate, cruel action be considered a “mistake”?

        1. Gadfly*

          I guess it all depends on how synonymous with ‘made a bad decision’ mistake is. Some people use it to gloss decisions and lifestyles that result in lengthy prision sentances. By that standard, it works. Still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

        2. Mina*

          Yeah, that’s what got me–it was *calculated* over a long time instead of sitting Sylvia down and telling her they were over.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I think people tend to use the word mistake for small errors. “Two plus two equals five. Whoops. My mistake.”

    3. Jadelyn*

      Eh…I feel like that’s really the kind of thing that only works if someone is genuinely sorry and regrets their behavior, which the OP doesn’t seem to. He’s just sorry it’s coming back to bite him. “I was young and immature…but I still think it should have been fine and I’m still painting you as “emotional and obsessed” for quite reasonably having a strong reaction to a partner of 3 years abandoning you without a word” is the kind of non-apology excuse-making that isn’t likely to win OP any points with her.

    4. Blah (currently feeling)*

      Leaving the country when your ex is on vacation is far beyond young and immature, I think that will make it sound like he’s trying to justify his actions that were obviously wrong then and now.

    5. That Would Be a Good Band Name*

      I don’t think young and immature would soften much. They were old enough to be living out of their home country and in a romantic relationship for 3 years. And I just don’t know how anyone could get over the person that they were living with just up and leaving without a word. I would be pretty shocked if any of my exes suddenly showed up at work and wouldn’t be able to be their manager.

    6. Tuxedo Cat*

      If I were Sylvia, I’d be angry if he brought up being young and immature because it would feel like an excuse. I’m assuming he went to college because he’s teaching, so that places him around mid-20s. He was young but it wasn’t like he was teenager.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        He was old enough to pay for a place to live, to have a physical relationship, to hold down a job, etc.
        I hope you do not use this as a talking point, OP, because it’s pretty weak.

  22. Whoanelly*

    If I went away for a few days and then came home to find that my boyfriend had packed all his belongings and simply disappeared, I’d be very concerned that I’d just made the whole relationship up in my head and he never actually existed. Of course I’d be calling his family and friends to find out what happened, for my own sanity.

    1. Interviewer*

      I’m trying to figure out at what point your family and/or friends called you to say, “what the heck?!” Seriously. Did you tell them a totally different story about what you did to her? Or did you ghost them, too? Surely you understood at *some* point before NOW, that Sylvia was *not* the crazy one here.

      You can’t run away from your problems, if the problem is you.

      1. Health Insurance Nerd*

        I wondered the same exact thing. I can’t imagine this happening and not getting several “WTF” phone calls from the friends and family Sylvia had reached out to.

        1. LavaLamp*

          This. I have a funny feeling this “obsessive/drama/gaslighting” narrative is the OP’s way of hiding the shame they felt from having friends and family tell him he did a really shitty thing. It’s easier to tell people “oh my ex was crazy” then “Oh I planned and moved out when my ex was out of town without telling her I was done. Then I was surprised and pissed off when mutual friends and family called and told me I’d acted like an asshat”

          1. many bells down*

            My ex lost a friend he’d known from childhood, after said friend found out I was divorcing ex because he was a serial cheater. My ex is to this day baffled as to why “Bob” won’t speak to him anymore. “I didn’t do anything to BOB!”
            I was like “well maybe Bob thinks your behavior was wrong?” and ex was like a deer in the headlights. Beep boop does not compute.

          2. Mina*

            This is something OP isn’t obligated to answer, but I do wonder how mutual friends and family reacted to his actions.

  23. Sevenrider*

    Wow. I would take Allison’s suggestion of contacting her ahead of time. I would skip the apology. I am not a big fan of apologizing for things I am not sorry for. I don’t get that you are really all that sorry, only as your behavior has now come back to bite you. I think the best thing to do would be to move on, leave the job and the country no matter how inconvenient this is for you. Please spare the poor woman any further emotional distress of having to deal with you now. As for the future, maybe try treating people (no matter who they are) with a little more respect and courtesy. You never who you may meet again, 10-20 years down the road.

    1. Snarkus Aurelius*

      I wasn’t going to pick on this, but, yes, I’m getting the impression the OP still didn’t and doesn’t really understand what he did. I’m bothered by the fact he still views her responses to his disappearance (emotional, obsessed, etc.) as bad. And he forgot about her until now. Because he was forced to.

      Not work related, but I can’t disentangle this from the letter.

      1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        Yeah, I feel like he doesn’t really comprehend that this was not a breakup.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        OP seems to like to compartmentalize. OP, what happens in our personal lives cannot be separated from our professional lives. Both work life and personal life leak into each other. Let’s say you were a stock broker. But you were an unethical stock broker. That one will bite you in very personal way, your home, your career, your peeps can all disappear from your life. It’s a two way street, what we do at home can impact our work and what we do at work can impact our home.

        I know you said this is not the answer you want. But you need to take a serious look at how life and relationships work. We are all interwoven and interconnected. Expect it.

  24. lisalee*

    Ooooh.

    I really think your only way out here is a very sincere, contrite, thoughtful apology. Have a friend or family member read it over to make sure it comes off correctly. I also recommend including the phrases “I regret how I hurt you,” “I was incredibly immature” and “I’m sure you’ll make a wonderful director.”

    1. Flossie Bobbsey*

      Normally this would be good advice if his own cowardice and poor decision-making had been weighing on him for the past decade, but given OP’s choice of wording and perspective on what he did, OP will not be capable of true sincerity and contrition about this. I don’t advise trying to apologize with false sincerity and contrition. No apology at all would be better.

      1. lisalee*

        You don’t think that would come off as cold? I think if he really does feel some remorse, it would be best to say it. He could even acknowledge the time that’s passed: “I’ve regretted my behavior often in the last ten years and I realize this apology is long overdue.”

        1. Flossie Bobbsey*

          Not apologizing probably comes off as cold, but OP’s actions 10 years ago AND (more importantly) his current perspective on them *are* cold. And now it seems he may have to pay the piper.

          I don’t see that he feels any remorse, other than about how his current life will be affected. He doesn’t “regret” his actual behavior and hasn’t thought of it “often” over the past decade (actually, at all), per his own account of things. There are numerous comments here picking up on this based no OP’s account of things. Sure, OP could say the words you suggest, but they are not actually true for him. I do think apologizing would be ideal if there were a shred of recognition of his own wrongs, but I’m having trouble wording anything coming from this OP’s perspective that doesn’t seem like an outright falsity, incompatible with how he described the situation in his letter, and self-interested.

          1. lisalee*

            That’s true. I guess I’m just hoping the letter is not a real representation of his feelings.

  25. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    Ouch. When I first started I reading I thought this was some casual thing. But…hoo boy. Skipping out of the country, without a note, after three years, while she was visiting family at Christmas. I don’t think I can cringe hard enough on this one.

    I don’t know how you’d salvage this. Definitely reach out to her and let her know you’re working there. But I would start looking for something new PRONTO. Even if she’s moved on emotionally, she knows a lot about your character (even though it’s in the past). You demonstrated that you were non-confrontational to a fault, disrespectful and don’t take responsibility. If I were in her shoes, I would find it difficult to look at you without that lens. Staying there as her report could hurt you professionally.

    1. Morning Glory*

      Yes – this is like a far more extreme version of the employee who falsified an email earlier in the week. Sylvia knows that the OP has serious (really really serious) integrity problems.

      Even setting aside any personal hurt from the OP’s actions, how could she trust an employee who did that. Even if I was not the Sylvia of the situation, just an acquaintance who knew what the OP had done to Sylvia, I would have trouble trusting the OP as an employee.

    2. Roscoe*

      I think that is petty (and I know I’ll get bashed for that). I think she is entitled to her opinion of him as a person. However, she doesn’t know him as a professional. I’m not saying he gets a complete clean slate, but if she is going to be professional as well, she needs to really let him be a professional. People definitely need to be able to separate their personal feelings from their professional feels. I can’t stand a couple of my co-workers as people, but I can respect the work they do.

      I wouldn’t want my ex girlfriend judging my professional credibility, because they are very different things.

      1. Amy*

        I don’t know about that. There are lines between personal and professional, of course–things like how quickly you respond to a message or how you prioritize tasks can differ in personal vs. professional life. But things like whether you have basic integrity, or whether you treat people with a basic level of decency, tend to carry over throughout a person’s life. They may show up in different ways in different areas, but they end up showing up somehow, and it usually causes problems.

      2. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        I worked with an ex of mine. Managed him, actually. I wanted nothing more than to bash him in the face with a shovel. But he still was treated fairly. *To me* the difference is LW showed a lack of integrity. In my opinion, that’s harder to overcome than someone being an ass hat.

      3. General Ginger*

        I don’t know. OP works in a school. Communication is clearly a skill needed on the job, and I’d argue also compassion (or at least some ability to understand how others will react to a situation).

        1. Roscoe*

          So again, I used to be a teacher. And I was a damn good one. Communicated well, worked well with my students, parents, and colleagues. All of that. However, if you asked some of my ex girlfriends, you would probably have a very different opinion of me.

          1. General Ginger*

            Roscoe, I don’t know you, and I don’t know anything about your relationships with your ex girlfriends, but, I mean, everyone’s ex probably has at least something unflattering to say about them, that’s just life. But in this situation, I’m not going by what OP’s ex is saying, I’m going by what the OP himself is saying about his own behavior. And OP’s words don’t paint a good picture of either his actions, or what he has or hasn’t learned.

            1. Turtle Candle*

              Right. We aren’t making a judgment about his decision-making or character via a biased third party report. This is based on what he himself said.

          2. The Voice of Reason*

            Exactly. Like I say: plenty of people who were louses when it comes to personal relationships are excellent in the professional realm.

      4. Kate 2*

        Not liking someone and knowing something about their character are two different things though. I don’t know any people who don’t show their personal life character traits at work, one way or another, in the long term at least. Dishonesty, disloyalty, gossip, laziness, defensiveness, etc.

      5. Agnodike*

        Professionals are still people, though, and it’s not unreasonable for them to expect a safe working environment. It wouldn’t be reasonable for someone to ask me to manage a neo-Nazi, because they would consider me to be subhuman. It’s not reasonable to ask Sylvia to manage someone who has shown that he holds her in the deepest contempt by violating all the expected norms of relationship behaviour and then describing her normal reaction to his bizarre and hurtful conduct as being “obsessed” and causing a scene. Professionalism means putting aside personal preferences to an extent. It doesn’t mean pretending you don’t have normal human needs.

          1. Agnodike*

            This guy isn’t a bad ex. The OP was so successful in dehumanizing Sylvia in his own mind that not only did he see nothing wrong with literally packing up and leaving the country without a word but he also characterized her trying to find out where the hell he went as being “obsessed with the relationship.” One can’t generalize anything about his broader beliefs about the world from there, and I wouldn’t try to, but Sylvia definitely shouldn’t have to manage someone who has treated her with tgat level of contempt. I’m not comparing him to a neo-Nazi. I’m pointing out that nobody should have to manage someone who can’t respect their basic humanity, and that it’s not unprofessional to refuse to.

            1. The Voice of Reason*

              OP may be a “bad ex”; he’s not a Nazi. Let’s leave the inappropriate analogies out of it.

      6. Gadfly*

        It is kind of like when people claim to be a different person when drunk when they say or do things they don’t want to face. I’ve never seen it be true. Maybe they don’t show that side of themselves as clearly when sober, but it is always there.

        Some people can restrain certain things (behaviors, comments, etc) better when at work than when dealing with friends and family. But it doesn’t magically go away and they are different people.

        The guy that yells at his wife but not his boss? There are concerns there for the boss that don’t exist for the guy who doesn’t yell at either wife or boss.

        It may not be actionable at work to judge someone for personal life behavior. But I think it makes sense for it to raise flags. Red flags and whatever the opposite would be for good behavior (green?)

      7. CodingFool*

        It’s really more about character. I wouldn’t wan’t someone with LW’s character teaching my child regardless of skills. You are what you do.

  26. AwkwardKaterpillar*

    You absolutely need to reach out to her beforehand. Coming onto her first day of work and seeing you there would be an emotional punch the gut. (at least it would be for me). Acknowledge that what you did was horribly, horribly, wrong and the pain you caused her. Determine if you can work together to finish the term and immediately begin looking for new work.

    This isn’t really a situation where two people had a messy breakup and are trying to work around it. You did something really awful to her, and so you should be the one to exit as gracefully as possible.

  27. Spooky*

    Most of the comments on here seem to be focusing on the relationship side, but just think for a second about what the advice would be if Sylvia had been the one to write in. The discussion would be “can I manage someone who I know has serious lapses in judgement and runs away from responsibility?”

    I’m not going to speculate one way or the other on what the answer would be, but OP, keep in mind that that’s the kind of thought that’s likely running through her mind. Another job may very well be the only option here.

    2. Juxtapose is Just a Pose*

      Yeah, I think this is important. The OP needs to own as much of the awkwardness as possible here, not just because he wronged her but to show that he’s changed since then, and is now a more mature person.

    3. Elsajeni*

      That’s a good point — even if she hadn’t been at all emotionally hurt by OP’s disappearance, or even if she’s completely gotten over the emotional aspect of it by now, she could still quite reasonably see it as evidence that the OP isn’t trustworthy, can’t handle responsibility, is generally callous about other people’s feelings, etc., none of which are traits you want in a teacher. Even for people who take a really strict view that personal feelings shouldn’t affect professional relationships, it would be hard to blame Sylvia for taking the OP’s behavior into account.

  28. Knitchic*

    I remember a long ago ex who tried the slowly dissapearing out of my life method of ending the relationship. He eventually had a mutual friend tell me that he (the ex) concidered it was over and was waiting on me to figure it out. Same friend popped up a decade later asking me all sorts of questions about if I’d ever thought of ex and would I ever get back together with him. He clearly still has the emotional maturity of a snail, apologies to snails.
    Write her, appoligize for the hurt and fear you must’ve caused, and ask her how she’d like to proceed. I don’t see this working in your favor if you don’t get in front of this in a mature adult way.

      1. Knitchic*

        Oh he’s a whole other story. I’m not at all suprised that he participates in this sort of nonsense. Lol the stories I could tell.

    2. Jessica*

      I’m imagining reporting back to the friend that you’d be totally up for getting back together with the ex, but in much the same way that he uses a go-between to deliver relationship communication, you plan to have someone else as the actual boyfriend and will regularly inform the ex on how well the relationship is going.

  29. Rose*

    This is just one of the many many reasons not to treat people as you wouldn’t want to be treated. It’s not right to treat people as disposable trash

  30. bookish*

    Whoooooooaaaaa.

    When you said “ghosted” I assumed you’d mean “we went on a date or two and then I didn’t text her back,” not this… HORRIFIC, pulling-out-the-floor-from-under-her situation. You were together for three years and lived together and you *didn’t want to deal with breaking up* so you just *disappeared* and moved all your stuff out while she wasn’t home??? This is… REALLY … out-there behavior, does not fall into the same realm as failing to text someone after a few dates because you don’t see it going anywhere that “ghosting” commonly refers to (I’m sure it can mean whatever you want it to mean, but this is like… this is on another level entirely, and you absolutely had a responsibility after this much of a commitment to, you know, actually tell Sylvia you did not want to be in it anymore and you were moving out. My goodness. The only possible times this could be acceptable is under such extenuating circumstances as like… if Sylvia was abusive and you had to steal away because you feared brutal physical retaliation for breaking up.

    I don’t want this to just be a pile-on and I’m not having a personal emotional reaction to this, I just think it’s important for you to be very aware that what you did was so outside of the realm of acceptable behavior towards another human, and for such a bad reason (“just didn’t feel like it” does not translate to “stage a total, immediate disappearance” – you move from wanting to avoid drama to leaving the relationship in the most dramatic way), that you do deserve any consequences that now ensue.

    Wow.

    1. Sara*

      Yeah ‘ghosting’ is more for someone you’ve been out with a few times and it isn’t working out.

      Abandoned is a better term for what this guy did.

      1. Big10Professor*

        TBH, the severity of it makes me question his character enough to think this is not someone I’d want to deal with professionally.

    2. Treecat*

      Yes. OP did not “ghost” Sylvia, OP straight-up ABANDONED their live-in partner and then actually dared to act like she was unreasonable for trying to figure out what had happened. I’m really struggling to obey the “be kind” instructions on this website, because, ugh. What a deeply selfish and horrible thing to do to someone.

      Find a new job, OP. Take this as some goddamn penance for your incredible cruelty and cowardice. Put someone else’s feelings first, for once in your life.

    3. Jadelyn*

      “you move from wanting to avoid drama to leaving the relationship in the most dramatic way” – I think the key here is the OP didn’t actually care about doing something dramatic – he just didn’t want to have to deal with the drama himself, whether he would ever phrase it that way or admit it to himself or not. Inflicting drama on someone else, that he was fine with, as long as he could avoid taking responsibility for it.

    4. MashaKasha*

      Yeah a part of me feels bad about this being a pile-on.

      The rest of me thinks that OP needs a wake-up call of epic proportions, because he still seems to have a very vague idea of how terrible this thing was that he did.

    5. aebhel*

      Yeah, that’s the striking thing here–I think probably most of us have behaved badly in relationships, but this is wayy to the outer edge of the bell curve. OP should realize that anyone with an even vaguely accurate account of what happened here is not going to come down on their side.

  31. Kate 2*

    Advice on how to apologize to Sylvia:

    OP you say you know you are wrong, but it doesn’t sound like you are sorry at all about what you did to her. You lived together for three years and then completely disappeared. You didn’t even leave a note!

    Then you say: “Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.”

    “Rather emotional”. “Rather emotional” about having the person she was in love with leave and cut off all contact with no warning or explanation. Yeah I’d be “rather emotional” too.

    OP whatever you do, DO NOT use any of the terms, descriptions or phrases you used with us on Sylvia. Write out a script and google “how to sincerely apologize”. If you can ask a couple of friends or acquaintances to read it over. Then stick to it! If she gets upset with you don’t comment! Don’t say anything like “this is why I ghosted you” or “you’re rather emotional”. Just repeat “I’m so sorry” and “I was wrong” over and over again.

    1. Competent Commenter*

      Although like others I have some very strong feelings about the OP’s past behavior, I do think there’s some possibility that Sylvia might be able to work with him.

      I have an ex who was mentally ill. We were together for 7 years, married for nearly 4. He seemed stable when we got together, but by the time we married he was destabilizing and I was essentially just his caregiver during our marriage. After me, he went through a multi-year downslide that included losing his sobriety. It was very confusing when we were together—it’s easy to say just “he had mental illness” but the reality was incredibly complicated, lots of medical appointments, conflicting diagnoses, many medications, symptoms and side effects, behavior choices that did seem to be in his control but for which he took no responsibility…it was a horrible, tragic period. I began to wonder if the person I originally met even existed. I don’t want to go into a lot of detail but eventually it felt like I’d been conned.

      I recently visited mutual friends and heard that he’s gotten sober and has been stable and partnered for a while. It brought up a lot of feelings to hear about him, but if we had to work together, I could do it. I accept that he has a problem, to put it simply, and that he had many other positive qualities. He also sent me an AA step apology a while back in which he did take responsibility in a meaningful, if a bit too brief, way. And I have really, really moved on (it’s been more than a decade).

      So whether or not OP and Sylvia could successfully work together is going to depend on 1) how good OP’s apology and behavior are, as others have noted, and 2) where Sylvia is in her own moving on process. She may look back on that time with a huge amount of pain but recognize that OP was young/had issues/did her a favor by disappearing/however she’s rationalized it to feel better and bring herself closure. She may feel pity for him, or have forgiven him as part of her own moving on process. Those are some of the feelings I have about my ex due to our particular circumstances. Or she may just remain furious, as is her absolute right…or OP could behave badly/do a bad job of apologizing and blow it and it won’t matter how much moving on Sylvia had done.

      1. rudster*

        I’m going to agree with this. Apparently OP is stuck there for the term, so there’s nothing to be lost by hoping for an acceptable outcome. There’s at least a non-zero chance that Sylvia has moved on or is professional enough to preten she has. Do most people, as a rule, really harbor resentments a decade or longer and fantasize about opportunities for vengeance they can act on? I think most people have moved on to the “life’s too short for that nonsense” stage by a certain point. I would at least see how it plays out before making any decisions.

        1. the gold digger*

          Do most people, as a rule, really harbor resentments a decade or longer and fantasize about opportunities for vengeance they can act on?

          Um. Yes? I would have no interest whatsoever in having anything to do with the grad school boyfriend of only a few months who, as soon as I left the country for a semester abroad, asked out a friend of mine. And that was over 20 years ago.

          I mean, I don’t dwell on it now (I hadn’t thought of him in forever until I read this post) and really, I dodged a bullet with that guy, but if I were put in a work situation with him, I would remember him as untrustworthy and without the guts just to say, “Even though we have spent most of our free time for the past six months with each other, this is no longer working for me and I want to break up.”

          1. Augusta Sugarbean*

            I think that’s where I’d come down. I hardly ever think about my ex (and he was just an immature, entitled twerp). I don’t wish him harm or hold onto any ill will really. This is at least in part because I never see him, we don’t have any mutual friends anymore, and I don’t even live in the same area. But having to see him every day, work with him, supervise him? Hell. No. That would bring back a lot of bad feelings that I have done my best to leave in my past.

            1. Myrin*

              Exactly. Not the same situation, but I was bullied fifteen years ago and I feel about the main perpetrator the same way as you about your ex. I randomly think about her maybe three times a year and don’t actively wish her harm, but while I don’t “fantasize about opportunities for vengeance they can act on” I certainly have not and will not ever forget what she did to me. It would totally be a “me or her” situation if there was ever a circumstance where I’d have the “opportunity” to work with her.

            2. MashaKasha*

              Yes! I don’t know about OP and Sylvia’s line of work, but in ours, there’s constant communication between you and your supervisor. There are 1:1 meetings, and other meetings. There are performance reviews where Sylvia would sit with OP in her office with the door closed, and advise him on how he can further develop himself and advance her career. I would nope of this situation so fast if I were her!

            3. SignalLost*

              Yeah, my bastard ex has been much on my mind the last six months or so, ever since I figured out I’m now only two degrees of Facebook separation from him, which is much closer than I wanted, since we have no mutual friends. (A person in my hobby club is friended to a friend of his.) Presence seems to make the person weigh on your mind, no matter where you are emotionally.

            4. Mina*

              Thirded/nthed. There was a friend who turned on me over 10 years ago, and while she doesn’t occupy my thoughts at every waking moment and I have no wish for retribution, I would never, ever, want to work with her.

        2. Inspector Spacetime*

          This probably reveals poor things about my character, but I still hold a nasty grudge from the sixth grade.

          1. Turtle Candle*

            Ha! Same.

            I think that it’s useful for everyone to remember that this is a spectrum. When something awful is done, some people will forgive immediately, and some people will go to their grave still loathing the offender to their marrow, and most people will fall somewhere in the middle.

            There is a societal usefulness to the “loathing to their marrow” people, I think–I know that from a purely practical POV it discourages me from being a jackass if I remember that some people will in fact not forgive. I mean, the larger reason to not be a jackass is that I do have basic human decency, but there’s something to the idea that if you hurt someone, you’re rolling the dice on whether they’ll hold a damaging grudge.

        3. birchwoods*

          “Do most people, as a rule, really harbor resentments a decade or longer and fantasize about opportunities for vengeance they can act on?”

          It sounds to me more like the OP has resentments and fantasies. Regardless of how Sylvia feels about him (she could have revenge fantasies, or she might have forgotten OP–it’s not up to us to judge her feelings), it takes a special kind of sociopathy to not see the problem with trying to work with someone you know you caused significant pain. It doesn’t matter that it was a decade ago.

          1. Mookie*

            Bingo.

            Apart from which, playing dumb about whether time truly heals all wounds is not productive; that’s putting the onus on the victim to cure things for the OP so they can live their life without responsibility for their actions. Making this about Sylvia’s feelings and how best to make them go away is obviously advice the OP wants, but it isn’t what they’re in need of. OP’s just interested in somehow shifting the burden onto Alison, Sylvia, and the rest of us to solve this for them.

        4. Amy*

          I’m not really thinking of Sylvia’s potential reaction in terms of resentment and vengeance. It’s more, she knows this person has the capacity to dodge responsibility on a truly massive scale. She knows he has the capacity to be dishonest (I would consider not telling your partner of 3 years “Hey, I’m not happy in this relationship, I’m leaving” to be at the very least concealing the truth–not to mention, this likely involved outright lying somewhere in there, e.g. saying “I love you” while working on this plan to abandon her). She knows he showed no concern for how his actions may hurt her, and that he’s shown no remorse for what he did. In short, based on her experience, he’s unreliable, untrustworthy, and cruel.

          None of those are traits I would look for in an employee!!! There are so many people out there who are not those things (or at least who aren’t known to be those things). Why would she want to employ someone who she knows has those negative traits, when she could hire someone else instead?

        5. Elizabeth West*

          Hell. Yes.
          I’m not saying Sylvia does, or should seek revenge. For me, I would just avoid people who hurt me that badly–they don’t deserve any of my time. But yeah, I know from experience that some people cannot shrug off even merely stupid stuff without a deep-seated need to strike back.

        6. Tuxedo Cat*

          I think it would be challenging for me to be fair and trust an ex who I dated for 3 years and then he suddenly left me. I think even if I had the best of intentions to do so, I don’t know well I could mange that person.

        7. aebhel*

          I mean, it depends on what you mean. I don’t spend any mental time on my college boyfriend now, but if I had to work with him on a daily basis all of a sudden, I would… not be okay with that.

          I’d like to think I could be professional about it, but honestly, I’m not sure. It would for sure make my working life hellish.

      2. the gold digger*

        He also sent me an AA step apology a while back in which he did take responsibility in a meaningful, if a bit too brief, way.

        If OP had apologized to Sylvia a few years ago, without prompting, that would be one thing. But he needs something from her now, which makes an apology invalid as far as I am concerned.

      3. Traveler*

        Yes. I think we might be assuming a lot about Sylvia. I have an ex that was a real piece of work, on par with what the LW did. But it was a decade ago and so much has changed. I’m not going to forget it completely, of course, but its ancient history. Who we were personally would not be who we are professionally.

      4. birchwoods*

        Even if she’s fully moved on, it’s understandable if she just doesn’t want to have him in her life. It doesn’t necesssarily mean she’s not over him, it just means she doesn’t have time for that kind of negativity that his presence brings–clearly he still has a questionable sense of integrity given the way he’s describing the situation to lessen the impact of what he did to her.

        1. K.*

          Yeah, I was ghosted by a guy that I had an on/off thing with for four years, and while I’ve moved on and am glad to be shut of him, that means I don’t want him around. I could probably work on a larger team with him if everything else about the job was great (I wouldn’t let him run me out of a job I loved), keeping it professional but distant the way I would any other colleague, but I don’t think I could manage him, and I wouldn’t accept any invitation to interact with him socially (either in person or virtually; we are not in touch at all).

      5. Alton*

        I think this relies largely on acknowledgement of just how abnormal the behavior is, too. It’s good that the OP recognizes he was wrong, but it’s not clear whether he realizes how dysfunctional his actions were. This is a good deal more extreme and unusual than common immature relationship behaviors like breaking up with someone via text message or something.

        I think if I were Sylvia, I might feel differently depending on whether my ex just treated the whole thing like a “mistake” or if they really did some soul-searching about what led them to do something so extreme and made efforts to work on that. But that doesn’t guarantee forgiveness, and you can’t force that sort of growth and self-awareness.

        1. teclatrans*

          Just a tiny nitpick: there is no sign OP sees his actions as wrong. In fact, he provides us with proof that abandonment was a good choice, since his ex was so emotional and overwrought. His problem now, he wants us to remember, is that his new boss might bring drama into his work situation, maybe even enough so that he has to move.

          So, I would say he has identified a basic problem, but not that he recognizes a mistake.

      6. Kate 2*

        The big difference though is that OP has/had no excuse or reason for their behavior. They did something horrifically cruel for no reason. Because they felt like it.

        Forgiving someone with mental health and addiction problems who is working on it and apologized for no reason, they didn’t want anything, is completely different.

    2. Competent Commenter*

      Didn’t mean to leave my comment as a reply to you, Kate 2, but gotta give you a +1 on your great explanation of the importance of sincerely apologizing. :)

  32. My Cat Posted This*

    Hooo boy. This is a hard one.

    I agree all the way with Alison’s advice. Additionally, I’d think a lot about how you present yourself and your apologies. One of my exes was a horrible partner, controlling and abusive, and in later years he would “apologize” in a very superficial way, particularly given the extent and gravity of what he’d done. His apologies—”I know I was an a*****e, yeah, yeah,” in a let’s get this over with tone, seemed more designed to get me to say “okay, apology accepted, now I’ll move on” than to be real apologies. A real apology would have sounded more like, “All those times I called you names in a joking way, or gave you the silent treatment for several days if you didn’t do what I wanted, etc….I did know what I was doing. It wasn’t right that I told you that you were crazy for being upset. I want to apologize for all the hurt I caused you and let you know that not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. You deserved better and I am trying to be a better person in my current relationship.” Your ex deserves that kind of apology, and more.

    So be sure if you apologize, you make it meaningful, not just a formality you’re going to observe so that you can get on with your life in a way that’s convenient for you. And be sure you don’t downplay the seriousness of what you did, and that you hold the sole responsibility for the fallout it caused.

    1. 5 Leaf Clover*

      Yes, and I’ll add that a meaningful apology will show not only that you’ve thought through what you did intellectually (“I know ghosting was not the way”, as you say in your letter) but also that you’ve thought through how much this hurt her and that the thought of that pain inspires real feelings of remorse in you. Nowhere here do I see you say, for example, “I feel terrible for how I must have made her feel,” and until you have done that emotional work I don’t think an apology is going to sound heartfelt – because it won’t be.

    2. Turtle Candle*

      Yes, very much. One thing that really puts me off is people who use apologies like a video game cheat code: I plugged in the right words, so now you have to let me advance to the next level. And it’s not only ineffective, it’s kind of insulting: do you really think I’m so simpleminded that I can’t see that your apology is a transparent attempt to get something out of me?

      1. 5 Leaf Clover*

        Great analogy… and part of me fears that by giving this advice we are teaching the cheat codes to someone who really doesn’t deserve them!

  33. Soon to be former fed*

    I totally agree with AAM. The situation is not salvageable. Young or not, ghosting on a live in relationship was a punk, selfish move that has now come back on you. You still owe the victim of your immaturity a sincere apology, but start looking for another position and hope she doesn’t rat you out to your work community. I’m having a hard time generating any sympathy for you, I don’t imagine she will be able to either since you devastated her life, no matter how long ago. I do wish you the best and I hope you have grown a spine and a conscience.

  34. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

    Wooooooeeeeeee.

    First: When you talk/write with Sylvia, you’re going to need to be careful about your tone. There’s a lot in your letter that downplays what you did (“ghosted”) and heightens the drama of what she did (“emotional,” “obsessed”). You can’t let any of that leak into your conversation with her; your tone needs to be apologetic, professional, and blameless (of her).

    Second: I’m not sure that Alison’s advice to get in touch with Sylvia before she arrives at school will work. I don’t think the OP has any way of getting in touch with her. She doesn’t use social media and has been out of touch with Sylvia for the past decade plus. I suspect she’ll have to wait until they connect at school, unless she’s able to get contact information from the school itself.

    1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I meant to say a bit more about “ghosting” being the wrong term here. Leaving someone you lived with with no notice is way, way worse than “ghosting.” The OP presumbly left her in the lurch with rent/mortgage, a social network, vacation plans, etc.

      2. nnn*

        OMG, I didn’t even think of this, but you’re right – he could have thoughtlessly ruined her financial situation!

    2. CMDRBNA*

      Yeah, I think the OP is definitely spinning the narrative and has told themselves a particular version of the story for so long they now believe it. There doesn’t seem to be ANY acknowledgement that abandoning someone after three years is a deeply, deeply shitty thing to do.

      1. AMPG*

        This is one of the hardest things about the human condition, IMO. We all want to be the heroes of our own story, and for good reason. But we’re all flawed and have to reconcile our failures with the desire to have a good narrative. Some of us recognize when we come up short and do the hard work of trying to make ourselves into a person worthy of a hero’s story, and some of us try to shortcut and just rewrite everyone else’s story so we come out looking the best.

  35. KHB*

    I was ghosted by a man I dated for two months in 2003. It was, actually, devastating at the time, but life goes on. I’m trying to imagine what it would be like if I had to work with him now, let alone be his boss. I really don’t think I’d be able to maintain professionalism.

    Maybe this says more about me, and why it’s a good thing that I’m not anybody’s boss, than about anything else.

    1. CMDRBNA*

      Yup. Obviously this is not on a par with what happened to Sylvia, but about two years ago I went on a few dates with someone that I really, really hit it off with and was actually really excited about.

      He went on a trip home to visit family and ghosted me. As in, we had plans for when he came back and I never heard from him again. I texted once or twice, then gave up, but it really stung.

      In a bit of karmic sweetness, though, a friend of his messaged my best friend on a dating site nearly a year later, and while we were looking at his profile I saw the guy that had ghosted me in one of the pictures. Turns out he was best friends with the ghost, and my friend sent him a blistering response calling his friend out on his behavior. So I DID have the last word (sort of!).

      1. KHB*

        Yeah, I agree that it’s not comparable to what happened here – I was reacting to the line that “A month of dating more than a decade ago isn’t likely to loom very large for most people, emotionally.” The only reason it doesn’t loom large for me is that the ghoster is out of my life. If he were somehow back in it, it would be really, really hard to ignore.

        I can see the situation maybe being salvageable IF he were to offer me a sincere unconditional apology. But I have trouble seeing that happening, because he, like the OP here, probably doesn’t think he did much of anything wrong. I suspect that in his mind, I (like Sylvia) was the one who misbehaved by being “emotional” and “obsessed” and “clingy” and “crazy.” Because that’s how we, as a culture, think about women who want something other than what the men around them want them to want.

        1. CMDRBNA*

          Oh, sorry, I meant that my experience wasn’t on a par with what happened to Sylvia, not yours!

          Honestly, the more I think about it, the more appalled I am by the OP’s behavior. It seems almost…sociopathic to vanish on someone like that? Not sure if that’s the right word. At the VERY least it was unnecessarily cruel. I’d rather have someone break up with me in a hurtful way than vanish.

          1. KHB*

            Sorry, that was an astonishingly poor choice of pronouns on my part. I meant that what happened to either one of us isn’t on a par with what happened to Sylvia.

            Abandoning your partner of three years without so much as a word is horrendous behavior. But even ghosting on someone you’ve known for a short time (at least, when they don’t want to be ghosted upon – sometimes people just sort of mutually drift apart, and that’s fine) is pretty bad. It’s treating people as disposable.

  36. K.*

    I have to say, the OP doesn’t come across as remorseful at all. He doesn’t sound like he’s sorry that he abandoned a woman by up and moving out of the country without speaking to her. He doesn’t sound like he believes what he did was wrong; there are lots of justifications here – she “caused scenes,” “became obsessed with the relationship.” He speaks very callously of what he did – while I understand that what happened happened some time ago, it’s … very telling that he seems to hand-wave off dumping someone by MOVING OUT OF THE COUNTRY as ancient history. “Oh, well, I get that this is my fault but nothing I can do about it now.” Like … what? He moved. Out. Of the country.

    He’s not sorry for what he did; he’s sorry for the impact it’s now having on his life. He’s sorry that he’s being inconvenienced by it. I feel certain that any communication he has with Sylvia is going to come across the same way, like “Oh, can’t we put this little mishap behind us?” And the way to do that is to find another job. Reach out to her to let her know you work there; don’t blindside her ( … again), and make a plan to leave.

      1. K.*

        Fair enough; that was hetero-normative of me. Regardless, I don’t think the OP is sorry for the actions taken at the time; I think the OP is sorry that the chickens are coming home to roost.

      2. AthenaC*

        Probably because when we see this behavior, there’s a 99.9999% chance that it’s a man.

        But you’re right – we shouldn’t assume.

        1. Noel*

          That’s really sexist, Athena. Reverse the genders: When we see this behavior, there’s a 99.9999% chance that it’s a woman. Let’s not judge a group by the actions of a few.

        2. serenity*

          Sorry but that comment deserves to be called out. Anyone can be a jerk, and this blog isn’t the place to bring our private baggage to and pigeonhole an entire gender.

      3. The IT Manager*

        Because I’m playing the percentages when we know the wronged party is a woman which is I admit hetero-normative, but its backed by math.

        You also have the stereotype that AthenaC mentions that this kind of jerk move is one a man often makes fighting with the stereotype that teachers are usually woman. Neither of these stereotypes are helpful.

        1. MathOwl*

          Yeah, but when we refer to professionals in fields where women are in the minority, we still refer to them as a woman by default on this blog, despite the math saying men are in the majority. I’ve noticed often the female voice is used as the default here, which is fine, except when someone’s being a bit (or a lot) of a jerk, which I don’t like as much. Then that person is considered to be a man, because they sound male.

          Honestly, as a man myself, I do feel there’s sometimes a bit of reverse sexism going on here (as many remember at least one man who harassed them or was a jerk to them), but I accept historically sexism has been far worse towards women and that this blog is otherwise interesting, so I overlook it.

          1. SignalLost*

            Wait, I’m perpetrating sexist behaviour at you because a man I dated treated me badly and I sometimes mention it? That is not how ANYTHING works!

            1. CM*

              No, I don’t think that’s what MathOwl is saying and I agree with him. (I’m a woman, FWIW.) It’s not fair to assume people are women by default, but if they’re acting like a jerk, then assume they’re a man. While I dislike the term “reverse -ism” I do regularly see comments here saying things like, “This OP is so self-centered and insensitive, I bet he’s a man.” See AthenaC’s comment just above, for instance.

              Talking about your personal experiences isn’t perpetrating sexist behavior. Speculating about people’s gender, and especially making negative assumptions about them based on their gender, is. (And SignalLost, I don’t think this was aimed at anything you said.)

      4. nnn*

        Oh, you’re right, good catch.

        I landed on assuming OP is a man because when I was the Sylvia in this situation, my partner who left me was male. But obviously that’s not extrapolable to all of human relations.

      5. Amy*

        I’ve been using ‘he’ for OP because then I can talk about him and Sylvia without worrying about whether it’s clear which ‘she’ I’m talking about.

      8. Misha*

        Because sex is either unspecified or intentionally omitted in the article, and in that situation it is entirely normal to assume a normative and statistically likely situation, especially a more personal idea of the author is better for a narrative reading than some abstract “he/she.”

        Many people would be perfectly willing to agree that the OP isn’t *necessarily* a man, but since that has very little to do with the story or the question he/she is asking, many people probably go with the man assumption.

  37. animaniactoo*

    Among other things that you are going to want to do here is to explain your lack of ability/knowledge of how to deal with the situation then, and what you have learned since that would allow you to deal with the breakup/issues and not do something like this to anyone ever again.

    Because beyond Sylvia’s own feelings about having to work with you from a personal standpoint, from a professional standpoint this is such an egregious act that I would need to seriously question your professional judgment as well. Particularly when you’re working with children of any age.

    I doubt that you’ll be able to continue there in the end, and you’re going to have to own that as the long-delayed consequences of your previous actions, but if there is any hope at all to be found it’s going to be found in being able to convince Sylvia that you are unlikely to be such a jerk again. Which means owning why you were a jerk and being able to be clear about what is different *now* that would make you choose a different path if you were in such a situation again.

    You are also probably better off if you don’t try to pretend that reaching out to her now has anything to do with anything except the fact that she’s about to be your boss. Something along the lines of “I have been deeply ashamed of my actions then, and thought it buried and in my past. However my chickens have come home to roost, so am reaching out now to explain and see if we can talk about how to handle the current situation. I am truly sorry for how I treated you then, it was and is inexcusable.”

    1. animaniactoo*

      fwiw – if you did this to me? I could not work with you, even years later. I know you want constructive advice, but in large part the most constructive thing I can do is tell you that Sylvia did not want her happy settled life to be abruptly upended in a confusing “what reality have I been living in/am I nuts/WTF?” form a decade ago, and yet it happened. You need to realistically understand the fallout of being the cause of that, and use it to assess the shot that your current happily settled life can be saved. I would estimate those chances as being slim-to-none, and 90% of even making any attempt at this point is to try and salvage the ex-pat community situation, so that you are not burned to the ground there. Gracefully following her lead – even if it means you’re out a job and a city – is going to be what salvages that for you if anything can.

      I’m sorry, but that’s my actual constructive advice here. I know it’s not what you want to hear – but I do think it is what you need to accept.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Agree 100%. Sylvia does not deserve to be put through this daily reminder when she’s moved on with her life.

        I was cleaning out a box last week and found some reminders of a (short) relationship from 12 years ago that ended badly. REALLY badly. As in I-found-out-he-had-a-wife kind of badly and just finding those reminders almost gave me a panic attack after a decade.

        1. Morning Glory*

          I had something similar happen, 7 years ago, also very brief. I am happily married now, but would not want to work with person, or manage him. I also would not trust him since he showed no problems with deceit.

          I’ve seen a few comments implying that this won’t be an issue as long as Sylvia’s ‘moved on’.’ It’s very possible though that she has moved on and is happy in her life… and still will not want to manage the OP. Not because she is bitter or still in love with him, or emotional, but because his behavior is the sort of thing that leaves lasting scars, and also demonstrated the kind of person he is.

        2. Mina*

          Ooof. I had a relationship that lasted less than a year that was abusive, with a terrible breakup. It’s been twice as long since then and I’m still in therapy for it. If I had to work with that asshole, ever (highly unlikely), I’d probably wind up with severely damaged mental health for it.

  38. Anna*

    You didn’t ghost her. You left her. You skipped out. You abandoned. Ghosting is when you don’t call someone after 1,2,3, even 10 dates. If you live with someone? It’s disingenuous to refer to this as ghosting, and probably indicates a lot more about you than you realize. I wonder if there isn’t a lot more to the story than you just leaving the country–did you cheat? Do you have a personality disorder?

    On the other side, I rather think that Sylvia might already know you work there. I would guess she googles you from time to time, or has heard, if the international school community is as small as you say.

    1. Sue*

      That’s what I was thinking, that there is a decent chance she knows he is there. Interesting to know her motivation if she does.

  40. Eljay*

    OP, I agree that reaching out to your ex directly, in advance of her start date, is the right thing to do. Perhaps if you speak to her with true humility and remorse she will be forgiving. Hopefully she has moved on with her life and is in a better place (and a better relationship!).

    If she reacts badly or doesn’t feel she can work with you, it will be an opportunity for you to do the right thing and resign. If you’re truly sorry for your past actions, then as hard as it may be, you will be able to make amends by leaving your job and leaving her in peace.

  41. FDCA In Canada*

    I’ve been Sylvia in this situation, minus the employment.

    My then-fiance said he was going on a business trip and just…never returned. We weren’t living together at the time, but he never called me again, never texted, deleted me off social media, and when I finally managed to track him down to ask “are you alive?” and “WTF?” his reaction was “I just didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to hurt you!” I can’t explain to you how emotionally scarring this was and how infinitely worse it would have been for Sylvia, living with you, OP. This is not ghosting. This is not just not-calling-after-a-few-dates. It’s been many years and I am happily married now, but I can honestly say I would not ever work with that man again. Of course I wouldn’t trust his judgment–I’ve seen it firsthand! Sure, it’s been many years, maybe he’s changed, but…the cardinal rule really ought to be to make the workplace as stress-free as possible and I don’t see a way to manage that.

    Actions have consequences. Your consequences might be that you give up this job. If you want to make a last-ditch effort for it, write her sincerely, do not blame anything on her emotions (you caused those emotions, by the way), and apologize for your horrid behaviour and ask what you can do to make the workplace a more pleasant environment for her. But don’t be surprised if nothing works.

    2. Katie the Fed*

      Oh god, that is awful. Just awful. What a terrible way to treat someone. Of course you’re going to hurt someone doing that – the only difference is that you can ignore it.

      I agree that this is such an issue of judgement and character. I wouldn’t want someone with such a weak character working for me.

    3. The IT Manager*

      +1 “This is not ghosting.”
      — Frankly the LW was completely downplaying what he did by calling it “ghosting” and not telling Alison that he disappeared with no communication on the woman he lived with for two years. Which doesn’t actually point to him being sincerely sorry about hurting Sylvia by calling it his “forgotten history”.

      I’m so sorry this happened to you. Running away caused Sylvia (and FDCA in Canada) much more pain than an awkward conversation. The LW and fiancé avoided an awkward conversation and witnessing the pain they cause someone that they (presumably) once cared for, but they caused much more pain, confusion, damage, loss of trust and self-esteem by being a coward. They avoided hurt, but hurt Sylvia and FDCA so much worse than if they’d had a normal I’m not ready to settle down break up.

    6. teclatrans*

      Oh, god, the cowardice. “I didn’t want to hurt you” is bullshit. “I knew it would hurt you and couldn’t bear to face the hurt, so I constructed a fantasy where out of sight meant out of mind,” leaving you to bear a double burden of hurt, plus self-doubt, humiliation, and all the rest. Boo.

      1. Solidad*

        Or “I cared about me and didn’t care about you. My being potentially uncomfortable was scarier to me than potentially devastating your world and screwing with your ability to trust men.”

        Selfish
        Cowardly
        Passive

        This letter conveys all that to me. And this is the wrongdoer trying to frame things. I wonder what she would say if asked?

    7. Gadfly*

      I’m acquainted with Mark Hoffman’s ex-wife (he was a forger and bomber, for those who don’t know of him) and I find stories like this always ring a bell. There is a matter of degree to consider, but it is very clearly the same spectrum.

    9. Gertrude is Gertrude is Gertrude*

      Yeah, I had an ex who did this not to me, but to her previous ex. She at least had the decency to personally respond to her then-girlfriend’s reasonably concerned attempts to track her down… after a month.

      I can’t say it forever changed how I saw her, because people who do this kind of stuff are usually doing similar stuff in smaller does. It was shocking, but not surprising. I think that is important because it really was emblematic of her worldview–it was this single, aberrant act that stemmed from the same impulses and justifications that lay behind littler things, like hissing whispered criticism at me during parties, then fuming because I wasn’t acting happy enough, or setting me up to believe she was cheating on me*, then accusing me of being crazy when I wasn’t acting happy enough.

      All that to say, I wouldn’t work with her unless I was seriously desperate for $$$. Not because I’m still distraught over the relationship**, and not because she’s not a competent professional (no idea). I just wouldn’t want to be around her daily, because my experience of her behavior has been so disturbing from a human point of view that she creeps me the fuck out.

      *Possibly by actually cheating on me? Haven’t figured that one out, wouldn’t really care if I wasn’t fascinated by human behavior. It’s definitely more disturbing if she was just pretending to cheat on me, but way more interesting. People, man.
      **Ha! NOPE

  42. Edina Monsoon*

    If it was me I’d go to the director of the school and explain what happened and acknowledge that it’s obviously going to be very awkward and that she’s unlikely to take any apology from you as genuine at this point, so how would they like you to proceed? perhaps you can work out a deal where you report to the director instead of her to avoid her being in a position where she has to manage you.

    Fwiw we all make mistakes when we’re younger and don’t expect them to come back and bite us on the behind, you’ve just been spectacularly unlucky!

    1. KDat*

      That’s a pretty shit mistake.

      He didn’t ghost her after a month of casual dating… Therapy might be in order (for him- to be a decent human and figure out why it was ever okay to treat someone so poorly and expect there would never be consequences).

    2. Morning Glory*

      My reading of the letter is that Sylvia is the director – I don’t think there is a higher boss to report to. I also would not necessarily recommend the OP make his first action in regard to Sylvia an attempt to undermine her by appealing to a higher authority.

      That would torpedo the shred of a chance the OP has that he and Sylvia are able to work together (which would already require that Sylvia be a distant outlier on the forgiveness bell curve).

      1. Edina Monsoon*

        Yeah, it’s a really really shitty thing to have done but he can’t undo it now and an apology to her isn’t really going to cut it, so I’d go to whoever hired her and say what the situation is, as a preventative measure so that even if/when he does have to leave at least he won’t have to use Sylvia as a reference. Best case scenario is that Sylvia has put it behind her and is able to work with him but that seems unlikely and I’d want to make sure someone knew the back story in case she decides to try to get revenge.

        1. Morning Glory*

          I really don’t think revenge is an apt word for the potential problems, and framing it that way for the OP is not doing him any favors.

    3. Observer*

      I’d say that this is a very risky move, and not likely to succeed even if the OP handles everything perfectly. And if he lets ANY hint of his real attitude towards Sylvia come through (ie emotional, obsessed) he’ll be out the door the minute she comes in AND his reputation is going to be mud. (And it might be mud anyway – what he did really speaks to major character issues.)

      Even if he’s perfect, this is not just about reporting structures. For one thing, anyone above the Director (which is the position that Sylvia is taking) is not likely to be in a good position to manage a teacher. Beyond that, the Director needs to be able to work with (and trust) the teachers, no matter who they officially report to. On top of that Sylvia is likely to see this as a way to bypass her and to undermine her. What’s more she would have a point, because if the OP is able to bypass her, it WILL undermine her, unless everyone knows why it’s happening, which is something the OP really needs to avoid if he can.

      1. Edina Monsoon*

        Not undermine, just make sure that he’s not in a vulnerable position.
        I think it’s pretty obvious that he’s going to have to leave this job but if Sylvia is still angry, and who could blame her, she might make up something to fire him for, so yeah, I’d want someone higher up to be aware that she might have it in for him.

        1. motherofdragons*

          But, if OP is in an at-will position, Sylvia would be within her rights to fire him for whatever cause she finds, “made up” or not. Going to someone higher up would not protect him. In fact, I think it would only make him look worse, like he was trying to cover his ass for the terrible hurt he once caused Sylvia.

          1. Gadfly*

            I calculate the odds of this backfiring to be rather high.

            It is one thing to go to HR and say “we have history and it was bad”
            (and even then it is problematic.) It is another thing altogether to say “we have a history where I did horrible things so now I’m afraid.”

        2. Mookie*

          OP didn’t mention a contract, so Sylvia would have no need to “make something up.” He can be fired for this or be asked to resign, and neither of those scenarios are ridiculous or unfair. Sylvia has demonstrated thus far no penchant for any kind of revenge or blackmail (OP’s spun this his way, but even in doing so she comes out as looking reasonable and responsible), so projecting more fantasies onto her is unhelpful for everyone. Stoking his paranoia about Sylvia as a walking, talking Scorned Woman cliché won’t serve him well and approaching his current employers in that frame of mind will either make him look even more ridiculous or will sabotage Sylvia’s future at their school.

    5. You're Not My Supervisor*

      From what I understand in this letter his ex IS the new director, so he already reports to the director.

    6. Rachel Green*

      This was not just a mistake. He isn’t unlucky. His actions were cruel. He applied for job out of the country, without telling her about the job search. And then just disappeared. At Christmas!

      I get that people here are trying to be kind of nice to the OP, but we don’t really know what age the OP was when all of this happened. If he was old enough to maintain a serious, 3 year relationship with someone, he’s old enough to end that relationship in a non-cruel way.

    7. General Ginger*

      I wouldn’t say the OP is unlucky. I’d say the OP made their bed and is about to have to lie in it.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      One thing we all have ignored is that OP says this is a small community.
      What if some of them ALREADY know? Now what?

      OP, you asked for an action plan. I think your best action plan is to watch every step you take and every single word that comes out of your mouth.

    9. Marghe*

      This is the comment I was looking for, I felt pretty alone here.

      Personal life of 10 years ago isn’t something that should be so incredibly relevant, even if it was a bad move. Is not illegal, is not even borderline, is just bad judgment of a young person that ideally improved their view (he demonstrate he did, even if is as mortify as most of the people here wanted to see apparently).

      OP tried to build his life again, new environment, new partner, new work. Telling him he should resign “if he is really sorry” is way too much. This is basically suggesting that she is entitled to ruin his life due to his previous mistake. How is this better that what he did?

      I agree with Edina about letting the director know (he may wish to no get drama in the school actually, and this is his call) and let her know (she may decide she doesn’t want the job, her call again).

      I agree also with the suggestion about “looking around” : fair or not, OP may just decide is not worth being involved in that, but should be his call.

  43. Catalin*

    Is there anyone like a second-in-command to the director? Yes, you need to apologize to Sylvia and discuss how to work together moving forward, but it might be helpful to have a sit-down with another higher-up and have a conversation about a) the relationship with Sylvia (just the facts, i.e. you were involved in a three year relationship and you abandoned her 10 years ago) and b) how can this history be addressed in a professional setting. Like any ex, there may need to be layers between you and the director (ex) in order for everything to remain kosher.

    1. Nineveh*

      Agreed. The LW behaved like a dick, but people work with people they’ve had horrible break-ups from all the time – I’m in academia, it’s full of people who are divorced or once had an ill-advised affair and can’t be asked to work together. LW’s position is awkward by completely get manageable if everyone involves behaves like a reasonable professional person. If they don’t, they then that’s what they should be losing a job for, not a fuck-up in the past, big fuck-up as it was.
      LW needs to go to the other senior management team or board of governors/whoever, explain the basics (no significant detail, no negative comments about Sylvia), and they would like to discuss how it can be managed and the school ask Sylvia for her input. I’d suggest that the company, not the LW, informs Sylvia so she isn’t blindsided by the contact.

    2. Zip Zap*

      I agree. Having a conversation with a supervisor is another option. OP, if you take that route, I would keep it impersonal and stick to the facts: “The new director and I were in a three year relationship a decade ago. It ended badly and I was at fault. We haven’t spoken since. I think that if we were to work together, there would be challenges. What would you recommend?”

  44. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Also, OP, I think you need to re-think your comment that you “weren’t ready to commit” because living together for 2 years is a pretty big commitment.

    1. CMDRBNA*

      Yeahhhhhhh, I got the “not ready to commit” line from my (now ex) boyfriend after eight years. EIGHT YEARS. Eight years IS a commitment.

    2. LBK*

      Yeah…usually if you’re not ready to commit and you don’t want to be settled down, you say no when the person asks to move in together…

    3. Lora*

      Eh, I was married for 15 years and there were certain things I would not let my ex share. So I can kinda see that. Even now, if I had a partner, I’d be fine with living with someone but I’d never share my bank account.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        This comment confuses me because it seems to imply that you have to share a bank account with someone to be committed to them.

        1. Trout 'Waver*

          I think commitment means different things to different people. I’m sure there are people out there who are in a romantic relationship, have lived together for 2 years, and aren’t ‘committed’.

        2. Lora*

          No, I’m just saying there’s different levels of commitment. I’d be happy to live with a partner, share my shampoo bottle and stuff, but I had a partner who asked if I’d be willing to have children with him and was disappointed that I wouldn’t commit on that level. I’m saying it’s not an all-or-nothing proposition.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        That has nothing to do with commitment. That’s merely a financial arrangement between the members of a couple. Some share and some don’t. It doesn’t imply you’re not committed if you have your own bank account.

  45. Emma*

    I’m trying to think about what it would be like if the OP is able to stay working at the school. Presumably eventually a coworker will hear about this story, and will most likely be horrified with the OP. I guess the only way to avoid that scenario would be if Sylvia never tells anyone… which, maybe? Like maybe she wouldn’t want anyone to know this painful part of her past? But all it would take would be one wine-filled time confiding in a coworker, and boom.

    1. k.k*

      OP said that it’s a small, tight community and that the teachers socialize, so I don’t see a scenario in which this doesn’t come out. Even if Sylvia doesn’t want to bring it up immediately, people are going to notice the awkwardness between them and pry.

      On the up-ish side, it might make it easier for OP to move if they no longer have any friends there. (I realize that’s a stretch, but trying to find a constructive or positive spin for this one is hard).

    2. JMO*

      Something tells me OP would counteract all that by telling this close-knit community that Sylvia the New Director is “rather emotional” and “obsessed.”

      1. Mookie*

        Now that he’s told the world at large that, through AAM, yes, I imagine that’s his plan of action. OP, please don’t be a toady about this. If you’re actually remorseful, don’t compound your cruelty by trying to salvage your reputation at the expense of someone you’ve victimized.

        1. Gadfly*

          Especially since you can see it only seems to have worked for a very few special people, and everyone else thinks worse of OP for it…

  46. MicroManagered*

    This letter made me wonder: What’s the protocol when a new manager takes over and finds that there’s someone there they can’t reasonably work with? Does Sylvia have the right/ability to terminate OP?

    (I know that’s a more complex question because we’re talking about a non-US / unknown country, there could be contracts involved, etc… But assuming your typical at-will employment situation.)

    PS: I’m not suggesting that this is the correct course of action — I’m just curious about those situations we’ve seen where someone can’t reasonably be expected to work with someone else due to reasons outside the workplace.

    2. INeedANap*

      I have no idea and it’s an interesting question!

      I think that it’s reasonable to ask the company to accommodate the new manager presuming they were the “victim” – either by reassigning the “offender”, having someone else manage that person, or even firing the person if the incoming manager was a valuable enough asset to the company (assuming at-will).

      I would be surprised if Sylvia had the right or ability to terminate OP directly, however, purely because of a past personal relationship no matter how terribly she was treated (excluding abuse). I image it would be really bad for morale with other employees who have no way of knowing whose story to believe, but have a friendly history with OP, to see OP fired so suddenly and for such a (to them, who aren’t part of the history) subjective reason. I also imagine it would be bad for the company image to allow Sylvia to fire OP for just this reason, because of the risk the OP would tell people he was fired because Sylvia didn’t like him (no matter how justified we find that dislike).

      Actually, even if Sylvia were to fire OP for purely work-related reasons, I would still have HR or a boss do it just because the history could be construed as the reason.

      1. Roscoe*

        Exactly. I stated this below. But even knowing all of this. If I have one person who I have known and worked with (and hung with socially) previously. Then their ex comes in and fires them or has them fired, I can’t say I’d have a lot of respect for my new manager. Its not a good look at all. Because there are 2 sides to every story, and I’d be more inclined to believe the person I already have a relationship with , not some stranger.

        1. SarahTheEntwife*

          There are two sides, but in this case I’m having trouble imagining how there’s a side that paints the LW better than his own words, which make him look pretty darn bad.

          1. Roscoe*

            Maybe its just me, but I can separate my friends behavior toward their girlfriends from my opinion of them as my friends. I’ve definitely had friends I know cheated on their girlfriends. I didn’t condone or support their behavior, but I also looked at that as a separate thing from their friendship with me. So even if they told me this exact thing, knowing it happened 10 years ago, to someone I didn’t know, I’d still be friends with him. With that said, I’d still have a lack of respect for my new boss who fired them because of that.

            1. Anita*

              Roscoe, are you a man? As a woman, I don’t separate it from their friendship with me, because I’m only friends with men who respect women.

              Cheating on your partner, and then having sex with them afterwards without disclosing the cheating, robs them of full consent in your sexual relationship and of the ability to make informed decisions about their bodies (bless Kai Cole for laying this out in her criticism of her ex, Joss Whedon). (It’s different if someone cheats and comes clean immediately.)

              Where do you draw the line? If your male friends abuse their girlfriends in other ways is that separate from their friendship with you?

              1. Roscoe*

                Yep, I’m a guy. I don’t think cheating on a girlfriend means you don’t respect women period though. I have female friends that I know cheated on their boyfriends too. I don’t think that means they don’t respect any men. In fact, those friend are married now. They made mistakes in the past, owned up to them with their current partners. If their partners can get past something they did in the past, why can’t I?

                And like I said, different sections of your life. Someone can be a great friend and a horrible boyfriend. Or a great co-worker and a horrible roommate. I’m able to compartmentalize those things, and base my relationship with them on how they treat me.

                That said, as to your question of abuse? I honestly don’t know. I’ve never had that happen. So while I could sit here and say I’d cut them out of my life completely, I don’t know if it would be true depending on how close my relationship with them was. Maybe you think that makes me a bad person, and that’s fine. But I don’t think everything is that black and white. I can hate a specific act a person did, without that negating everything else we have been through in the past.

                1. Solidad*

                  One off cheating is very different than repeated infidelity. It still involves violating the bodily autonomy and right to make informed decisions by the cheated-on partner. I could not be friends with anyone who did that more than once. Because if they do that to the person they love and whom they’ve promised fidelity, then what will they do to me?

                  A partner cannot cheat long term, however, without some serious lying and gaslighting. I’ve seen spouses have PTSD from this that is as bad as the soldiers and abused children I’ve worked with.

                  It’s not just the sex. It’s the robbing of the cheated-on partner’s right to make informed decisions. It’s the messing with their sense of reality. The former isn’t rape, but it sure isn’t fully informed consent. The latter is certainly abusive. I’ve seen too many cases of it.

                  Actually, I’ve seen physical abuse cases where the victim was better off than some of the gaslighting cases I’ve seen. Physical abuse is painful, but it does not cause the victim to doubt themselves and all of reality in the way gaslighting and other emotional abuse does.

                  Not saying you are wrong to have cheaters as friends. Just saying you may want to do a lot more thinking about this. It’s not a black and white issue. But it is an issue.

                2. Anita*

                  I agree with Solidad that it’s the subsequent lying and gaslighting that can, in some circumstances, elevate cheating to serious emotional abuse. Not all bad actions mean someone is a bad person, but there is definitely a subset of them that deeply suggest that. We see this all the time in the blog when we consider certain offenses coachable, and others indicative of a more fundamental untrustworthiness. I really think you should reflect on this because it’s not as simple as “my buddy was a dick to his girlfriend but it has no bearing on our friendship.” When an individual woman mistreats men, that’s generally an individual decision, but when a man engages in that behavior, it occurs within a constellation of power dynamics and socialization.

                  So, basically, if a man treats his girlfriend this way, it is more likely that there are other issues (misogyny, sexism – which we see on display with the OP, who uses gendered language, like “causing a scene” to trivialize his girlfriend’s feelings, and which is basically gaslighting in light of his later description of his behavior).

                  I’m concerned that you don’t seem to see the difference between “cheating on a girlfriend” and what this guy did (serious callous abandonment followed by gaslighting). I really don’t understand your logic: this guy did something abusive that potentially caused lasting psychological damage to someone. Why would you judge the boss for not being able to work with him? If he had beaten her or raped her during the relationship, would you feel differently?

                3. AGirlCalledFriday*

                  I hear this sort of thing often, Roscoe, and I’ve never understood it. I truly think this is one of the worst things about our society – the ability to turn a blind eye to mistreatment because it doesn’t impact ME. I understand your reasoning here “this is my buddy, maybe he’s a shitty boyfriend but he’s not a shitty friend.” I also am seeing this with several comments “He was shitty as a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean he’s a shitty professional.” I don’t think the argument holds water.

                  People are not like rainbows. They don’t shine out and whoops! you got the orange color which sucks, and you got blue which is horrible, and red is abusive, but if you got green, yellow, or purple they are pretty swell! No. When your friends cheat on their girlfriends and act otherwise terribly, that’s their character and it says something about the caliber of person they are, AS A WHOLE. When you choose to disregard that, you are sending the message that you don’t care about their character. That’s not a real friendship. You are also contributing to society’s ills: your friend turns out to be a racist, abuser, rapist, or any other kind of jerk – you are making it possible for people like that to survive in our society where they should be actively shunned. “You have been cheating on your longterm girlfriend and potentially passing diseases to her while she is paying your bills and giving you a place to stay? That’s not cool, and it makes me think we don’t have the same morality barometer and I’m going to find other people to spend time with who I can respect.” That has an impact. Not “Oh man that sucks, are you up for hoops tomorrow?”

                4. Mookie*

                  Roscoe, if you haven’t, I’d investigate what a Missing Stair is, and why harboring one in your professional and personal circles is dangerous, has a chilling effect, creates splash damage, and reinforces certain intersections of oppression. Compartmentalizing may be natural, may feel good, and may be easy, but it has tangible consequences of the lives and well-being of people you probably care about.

            2. Sylvan*

              I think if someone treats an SO badly, that’s a bit of a red flag for how they’ll treat a friend. I’ve unfortunately been right about that a few times. You know your friends better than an internet stranger, though.

            3. JP*

              To be honest, the respect of someone who is too cowardly and lacking in character to stand up to those who mistreat others “because it’s nothing to do with me!!” isn’t actually worth having.

        2. The Voice of Reason*

          Exactly this. If OP has resided in this country for a year or so, he already has a network of friends there. The ex coming in and firing him would reflect badly on her, regardless of the fact OP was at fault in the breakup. The expat community doesn’t know these people as former romantic partners. They know them as new boss and longtime teacher.

    3. Roscoe*

      Me too. I mean it seems to be a tough situation. I’m not going to be like most people and say “You reap what you sow” or anything like that. But I mean, if she can’t reasonably manage him, I don’t think that is grounds for termination, even in an at will situation that seems pretty horrible. (and i’m not excusing OPs behavior)

      1. MicroManagered*

        Absolutely agree. Again, definitely don’t think it’s the right or fair outcome to THIS situation. (But also not excusing OP’s behavior, or tone in discussing Sylvia’s response, for that matter.)

        But we’ve seen LWs ask about whether it was right that they were not hired based on their previous relationship with a current staff member, or what to do when you realize you have to manage someone who was done grave harm by a distant family member of yours, etc.

        When you get two people together who can’t reasonably be expected to work together, who has the onus to leave? The wrong-doer who’s an existing employee? Or the new person, who was wronged?

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        It’s not reasonable to expect the ex to manage him, and given the awfulness of what he did, it’s reasonable that he should be the one to uproot his life to deal with that fact. Is he going to screw her over again by causing her to have to back out of this job? The right thing to do here is to be the one to take the hit, if one of them needs to.

        1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

          But shouldn’t their manager (board, etc.) be most interested in what is best for the school? And couldn’t the best choice for the organization (if not karma) be keeping their known-quantity teacher over their new hire?

          I don’t intend to argue this point, just to raise it. What would you do if you were on the board of the school (or whoever has authority over this situation)?

          1. SignalLost*

            OP has demonstrated a really serious problem with his ethics, or his morality, or his communication, or all of the above. For the same reason I wouldn’t keep the LW who forged her permission email, I wouldn’t keep the OP. The known quantity just changed, and I have serious questions about his integrity.

          2. Gadfly*

            You can usually tell who is most valuable to an organization by the title and paycheck.

            My money is on director versus one math teacher…

    4. Amy*

      The legality would depend on where the company is, but under typical US at-will employment, I don’t think there’s a legal reason you can’t. At-will employment means they can fire you for mostly whatever they want as long as the reason isn’t in a protected class–and ‘I treated my ex so badly that now she doesn’t feel she can work with me, and my company values her more than me’ isn’t a protected class.

      The more complex part to me would be the company policy/social pros and cons side of things. Many companies have policies that require a documented history of issues (performance, insubordination, etc.) before firing someone. A manager generally shouldn’t try to go against company policy; that may mean that the manager is keeping a close eye on this person and being harder on potential infractions with them than with other people, but they probably couldn’t just fire them off the bat.

      Even if a policy doesn’t exist, a new manager coming in and immediately firing a longtime employee is likely to cause a lot of alarm among other employees. Even if there’s nothing legal or company-policy wise stopping them, it’s worth weighing the pros of having that person gone vs. the cons of what kind of first impression it will make on the rest of their team.

      1. GrandBargain*

        I don’t see that workplace and at-will employment laws are directly applicable here. Instead, I see the relative freedom of managers to terminate an at-will employee being used as cover for an act of personal retribution. So many of the commenters suggest that Sylvia should fire OP as a just response for his abandoning her. Many might say that OP deserves what he gets, but then it is not about the job. What class of laws would apply to a manager intentionally sabotaging the career of a subordinate as revenge for something that happened 10 years ago?

        1. Roscoe*

          Totally agree. It just seems wrong in my opinion. Its not a tit for tat in work life. Its taking what happened in the past in a romantic setting and then applying that to someone’s professional life. It would be “karma” if his new girlfriend did this to him. This is just very different.

        2. Blossom*

          It’s not about revenge. It’s about her prerogative, as director, not to have to manage someone who she has this very painful and personal history with. In a way, it’s like not managing your spouse; there’s just too much potential for gossip, distraction, the appearance of unfairness, and so on. The difference is, a pair of spouses might be expected to resolve a similar situation amicably, without one actually saying “you’re fired” to the other. And perhaps Sylvia and the OP will be able to handle it just as civilly. But if not, then I think it’s fair enough for her to advise him to start job hunting. And he should have the good grace to do so. These are natural consequences, not an arbitrary punishment.

          1. The Voice of Reason*

            “It’s about her prerogative, as director, not to have to manage someone who she has this very painful and personal history with.”

            1. Actually, you don’t know that for a fact. OP may be working in a country where there are employment contracts. She may not have that prerogative at all.

            2. A good manager should be able to set personal history aside. That’s part of managing in the interests of the organization, not the manager’s own interests.

        3. Amy*

          This was a general response to MicroManagered’s question “What’s the protocol when a new manager takes over and finds that there’s someone there they can’t reasonably work with?”, not a commentary on this specific situation. I’m trying to say that even if a manager technically has the ability to do this, it’s likely to reflect very badly on her, so she should probably avoid it if possible. The social deterrent here is a lot stronger than the legal deterrent–it’s hard to manage a team that doesn’t trust you, and it’s hard to recover from a first impression like that.

          1. GrandBargain*

            I know and I like your comment. This is a difficult discussion. It’s hard to find the right place to comment.

            I was trying to say that employment law isn’t the only area of law that may come into play (assuming we’re taking a US-centric viewpoint here). In addition to that social deterrent, there can be other legal deterrents at play. At-will employment doesn’t give a manager/organization complete carte blanche to treat employees however he/she/it wants. In the absolutely most ridiculous extreme, you wouldn’t say a manager can use employment law to excuse killing an employee. It’s in that light that I suspect that a manager who ends or damages another’s career in (perceived) retaliation for a personal slight that occurred in a different country and a different decade will expose the manager and perhaps the organization to different types of legal liability that aren’t so easily dismissed.

        4. Not So NewReader*

          She probably won’t fire him. Which is probably more hellacious than being fired. Because at least with firing that’s the end of the story.

    5. Blossom*

      It’s my understanding that under US at-will laws, you can be fired for any reason or none at all, including “you’re my ex” or “I don’t like the colour of your socks today”. The only exception would be discrimination based on a protected characteristic, e.g. race, gender. Of course, different companies might have their own internal policies around firing – but that’s not law.

      (I’m not American, so correct me if I’m wrong)

      1. Gadfly*

        A new manager just not clicking with the old manager’s hires has been the cause of many a dismissal.

  47. Bend & Snap*

    OMG.

    Time to polish up the resume.

    Seriously…there’s almost a 100% chance your actions inflincted lifetime damage upon this woman. I don’t get the vibe that you actually think you did anything wrong, but trust me, the way you handled this situation was the epitome of cruelty.

    Spare both of you the discomfort and find a new job. And for the love of God, don’t say anything to anyone you work with about your relationship. The last thing she needs going into a leadership role is to be humiliated by an old relationship.

    1. IMakeSigns*

      Seriously…there’s almost a 100% chance your actions inflicted lifetime damage upon this woman.

      Yes, yes yes. Totally agree on all counts. This is unbelievably cruel and even given the length of time, the emotional scar an experience like that can leave is huge and has the potential to alter her behavior and outlook in relationships for the rest of her life. Also agree that he should not further her humiliation by mentioning it to anyone else they work with. She has been through enough, find another job so she can have peace, OP.

  48. KDat*

    Give respect if you expect it returned. It’s the decent and courteous thing to do.

    Three years and ghosted her while she was home visiting family? That’s yuck.

    Find another job. Preferably outside of the international circuit, please.

  49. Jess*

    How this plays out is going to depend a lot on Sylvia’s reaction to the situation. OP, I know you said she was emotional and obsessed after you left, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the best indication of how she will react now. (I mean, I’m not the most emotional person, but if someone were judging my personality based solely on the immediate aftermath of my significant other ghosting me in this way…I’d probably come off as emotional & obsessed & slightly unhinged.) Don’t presume her reaction. Definitely give her a heads up with the letter before she starts. Best case scenario, it will give her time to process the situation and react privately beforehand so that things can proceed professionally upon her arrival at the school. But if not, it’s also better to find out beforehand that she’s not comfortable working with you. It gives you time to figure out your options, and it spares you both the pain and drama of finding out it can’t work only after she starts. (It’s also a kindness to her to not put her on the spot again and allow her to decide privately with a little bit of time how she wants to deal with this.)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Eh, she might be able to calmly state, “Now, if I see your car stuck in a snow bank along the highway, I know what to do. I will just keep driving and leave you in the snowbank during the Storm of the Century. I won’t call anyone. I promise.”

  50. Lily in NYC*

    I had sympathy until I saw OP lived with her for 2 years. What a shitty thing to do to someone. OP, your only option at this point is to get enough plastic surgery to completely change your appearance. But honestly, you deserve comeuppance for this.

  51. Always Learning*

    Is there a managing board or anything like that for the school (ie whoever hires the Director)? I’d suggest reaching out to them, telling them this story, and making sure they know this isn’t just a small thing, but that there’s really no way you can effectively work together. Tell them you understand if they feel having Sylvia on board is more important than keeping you (they will), and see if they can do something to facilitate a move for you to a different school. Perhaps a 1:1 swap for another math teacher in a different place, or similar?

    1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I think reaching out to the OP’s direct manager and/or the school leader is a good idea here. Give them a heads up and ask their advice on what can be done. They don’t need to know the details of the breakup, but the OP should convey that it was a long-term relationship, a bad breakup, and that she was at fault.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I think Victoria is referring to the OP there. We don’t know the LW’s gender though most people are assuming they are male.

      2. 2 Cents*

        Yeah, I don’t see how she was at fault. Or even if the OP presents it that way, Sylvia looking bad once she explains that of course she followed up with OP and his family, since OP left their shared apartment and 3-year relationship for a new job in a different country without so much as a good-bye! I have a hard time seeing OP coming out looking good in this situation, regardless of what he says.

      3. SarahKay*

        Noooo!
        I’m sorry, but now poor Sylvia has to cope with finding out that her ex, who abandoned her without any word or explanation is working for her, and that her bosses all know about it too.
        Even worse, if OP uses the same language to Sylvia’s bosses that was used in the letter, Sylvia may also have to cope with bosses who are now, on some level seeing her through the lens of OP’s description of an over-emotional obsessive.

    2. JMO*

      Terrible idea. On top of the horrific cruelty 10 years ago, Sylvia will now have to deal with the whole _managing board_ knowing about her love life? As she’s starting a new position? No, no, no. No way should OP blow this up any further. Discreetly LEAVE. That’s the only right thing to do.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I am on a couple boards. Granted they are not school boards.
      But as a board member the first thing I am going to do is tell them that they need to go through appropriate channels. You just do not skip rungs of the ladder and start talking to board members. There are reasons for this, not the least of which is that as a board member I would be hijacking the power of the manager/director. A big no-no. OP could try HR, if there is any.

  53. Roscoe*

    Wouldn’t preemptively bringing this to HR (or someone above her) be a good suggestion here? I mean, its an uncomfortable situation. And I hate to pull the “he was there first” thing, but at the same time, this seems ripe for a manager just making the person’s job miserable.

    1. Jaguar*

      Yeah. Leaving aside the ethics of what happened in the relationship, going to HR / Sylvia’s boss-to-be and disclosing that they were in a relationship that ended badly is a method of getting out in front of this.

      Also, OP, send in an update, please, when this all plays out!

      1. Observer*

        Except that you CANNOT “leave the ethics aside.” The OP did a lot of damage to Sylvia. For him to now go to HR to make sure that she can’t make his life miserable? Which means that she’s going to have to find a new job, in all probability? That stinks for her and for the school. Not what I’d call can ethical situation.

        Also, for this to work, the OP would really have to be at least somewhat dishonest. After all if he tells the whole story, he’s going to come out looking really bad (and don’t count on HR and Sylvia keeping the story quiet.) Or he’s going to have to whitewash his behavior and make Sylvia look like the bad guy. How is this even in the least bit ethical?

        You don’t clean up the mess created by unethical behavior by committing more unethical behavior.

        1. Roscoe*

          I think you can say factually what happened and its fine. But yes, I fully believe she shouldn’t be able to make his work life miserable based on something he did in his personal life 10 years ago

          1. LBK*

            You don’t think having to manage someone who wrecked her emotionally will make the ex’s work life miserable? Of course it will be easier for the OP to get over it and act professionally, he wasn’t the wronged party.

          2. Observer*

            What makes you think he has changed? What he did speaks volumes about the reasons he should not have any control over others, which teachers do. It also speaks volumes about the character flaws that would very reasonably make a boss not want to keep an employee on. It doesn’t matter that this was in his personal life – this is his character, and that does not shift THAT much between professional and personal personas.

          3. Not So NewReader*

            Okay, but can OP work for her without being a miserable employee? Is OP willing to take instruction and/or constructive criticism in context or is everything she says going to have lots of baggage attached to it?

        2. Jaguar*

          What I meant by “leave the ethics aside” is that I’m not offering a commentary on what the OP did in his relationship. But even in the way you interpreted that comment, of course you can leave them aside. The alternative is the idea that every bad thing you ever did leaves a mark of Cain.

          There are other things I think aren’t right in your analysis. If the OP goes to HR/management and discloses a prior relationship with Sylvia (something the OP should do regardless of how the relationship ended anyway) and doesn’t offer the gory details, it’s not like a reasonable company is going to press for details. What the hell kind of management would that be? There’s no need to get into the good guy/bad guy stuff at all. Just mention that there was a relationship of length and that it might be a problem. OP then would get some protection against retaliation, if it happens.

          1. Observer*

            No, lots of managements would believe – with good reason! that a bad breakup 10 years ago is not going to be an issue with someone who is professional. It has to be a REALLY bad break up, OR she has to be “crazy ex” material to make them realize that there really is potential here.

      2. Mike C.*

        Saying that it “ended badly” implies that there were two people at fault here. Nothing short of “I abandoned her without warning after three years” would be appropriate.

        1. Jaguar*

          Saying it “ended badly” doesn’t imply anything at all. The whole point of phrasing that way is to make it impossible to draw a conclusion.

            1. Jaguar*

              It doesn’t inject anything. Management doesn’t have any knowledge of their previous relationship yet, doesn’t need that information to do their job in this situation fairly, and doesn’t have any obligation to know. “Injecting ambiguity” implies that the default condition is knowing everything. It isn’t.

              1. LBK*

                But if they’re trying to decide how to handle the situation, I think knowing who the wronged party is does make a difference. Just leaving it as a vague “ended badly” strips out that fact; it would be positioning the situation in a way that paints the OP in a less-bad light than the truth.

                1. Jaguar*

                  I really don’t think knowing the details of how the relationship ended is information management needs. Where do you draw the line on that? If someone cheated on another person and then they’re going to work with each other, does management have to have those details? What if someone broke up because of their parents’ objections to their partner? And so forth. Why does management get to make moral judgements on people’s relationships? The goal of management should be to act fairly, not morally.

                2. LBK*

                  So you think it’s more fair to remove someone from a job because their partner did something terrible to them? It feels wildly unfair to me to kick someone while they’re down like that. It’s basically penalizing the victim.

                3. Roscoe*

                  @LBK, no I don’t think removing them because their ex did something bad is warranted. BUT, I also don’t think that it means the wronged party gets to use this for revenge or something. No one is saying HR should not allow the person to have the job. However, they should be aware and able to say “If you don’t think you can objectively manage this person, we expect you to not take this job” or “If we are seeing you treating them unfairly, we may have to deal with that job related behavior at a later date”

                4. Jaguar*

                  I think it’s fair that relationship status between two people has no impact on their employment with the exception of what they intentionally bring to the workplace.

                5. LBK*

                  I think you both just have dramatically and irreconcilably different perspectives on the situation than I do. I don’t see anything here as a form a revenge, and Jaguar, your whole comment borders on appalling to me. Do you believe there’s nothing someone could do to you that you wouldn’t be able to leave at the door and not “intentionally bring to the workplace”? It’s just disturbing to me and so lacking in empathy to basically imply that having emotions is something you choose to do and that the person who’s in the right is the one who can shut them off the best (which, as I said elsewhere, will obviously be the OP because he wasn’t the victim here).

                  The more I think about your responses, the more it seems to me that ultimately you just don’t think what the OP did is that bad, since I’m guessing you wouldn’t feel the same way if, say, the OP had been physically abusive. Surely in that case, you would find it beyond the bounds of normal professionalism to expect his ex to just leave that at the door. I suppose the question it comes down to is where the line is, and to me, this situation is way over the line, but it sounds like it isn’t to you.

                6. Anita*

                  the comments on this are so perplexing. what if he had committed an actual crime against the OP? people commenting along these lines, I want to know if there is a hypothetical level of interpersonal violence outside of work that would justify terminating an employee when a new manager is appointed.

                7. Roscoe*

                  @anita, but this isn’t a crime. That is the thing. Crimes are illegal. This is shitty boyfriend behavior. I’d even be ok with calling it immoral. But, I don’t think its a crime, such as rape or physical violence. I don’t even think it amounts to abuse, even though some people do. I have a feeling you could tell this story to 50 people, and the amount that would call it abuse would be less than half. So yes, I think there is a line that you can cross where I would say she should absolutely not have to work with this person. We just have a different opinion on where that line is. That doesn’t make me or anyone else who thinks this way a bad person. It just means we have different places where we would draw a line in the sand.

                8. Jaguar*

                  @Anita – If he had committed a crime against Sylvia, we have a system of law to deal with that. The idea is that when people have finished with the terms of their restitution, they have paid their debt to society. So, no, in that case I don’t think people should quit to accommodate people they’ve committed crimes against either.

              2. Soon to be former fed*

                Management doesn’t need to know anything about what happened between them. I would be mortified if an ex revealed details of our relationship to my employer, even ambiguous details. OP should just remove himself from the situation, and, finally do the right thing by Sylvia.

          2. Danger: Gumption Ahead*

            But this is a situation where conclusions need to be drawn. If the OP is asking people to weigh the past, he is asking them to draw conclusions and determine the future

      3. RL*

        Depending on what country this is, there may not be that type of structure involved. We’re talking about an international school and don’t really have enough detail to know if this could be resolved by bringing in other parties… The administrators may not be native English speakers and the teachers may be very much on their own. (I don’t know what it’s like to be a teacher in all countries, but have friends who’ve taught in southeast Asia and there was not much administrative structure/support in their particular schools.)

  54. CatCat*

    I don’t see how this is going to work out. Regardless of how you feel “happy and settled here so do not want to move,” staying may not be realistic.

    Can Sylvia force you out? Can she make your life difficult? If not immediately, eventually? If these things happen, what’s your plan? If you don’t have one, start making that plan.

    Maybe everything will work out, but odds are not in your favor.

    1. Eron*

      Also, even if (against all odds) Sylvia has gotten over what happened; is she ever going to be able to trust you as your boss? Even if there were absolutely no emotional repercussions to your actions; what do you think would go through her mind (as you boss) when asked “is he trustworthy,” “is he reliable,” “is he dependable?” When she is faced with the question of “can I trust him to…” what answer would you expect?

      I do not see how this works out well for the OP long term; so I think you should be looking at how to make it through the short term, and be looking for a new job.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Sylvia felt happy and settled way back when, also.
      I don’t think happy and settled is going to end up being a good talking point for you, OP. It’s not going to go well.

  55. Soon to be former fed*

    OP deserves no kudos for anything at all, they are still only thinking about their own situation. Selfish. Even if the ex is not the vengeful type, just seeing his face could trigger all kinds of unpleasant emotions. I was ghosted like this by my husband while at work one day and I tell you it’s a traumatic experience and it can take therapy to adjust. OP should for once do the right thing and extricate himself before the ex has to see his face. Time does not heal all wounds, scar tissue may develop, but the wound can still be there. This thread is triggering for me, so imma walk away for a while. Have a good day everybody!

  56. panoptigoth*

    This isn’t at all salvageable. You need to leave this job or work for another department. It sounds like you bailed instead of having a conversation that most adults have even though it’s very difficult to do: we want different things and need to break up.

    But instead you abandoned someone over a holiday. You even know you were awful about it or you would have mentioned the timeline in your letter. That you strategically withheld that information means you’re committed to the absurd narrative that people *shouldn’t freak out* after their partner *of three years* vanishes and doesn’t contact you.

    1. SleeplessInLA*

      “You even know you were awful about it or you would have mentioned the timeline in your letter.” THIS. I cannot believe, without probing from Allison, that this massive detail was left out.

      OP– even present day, this speaks to your character and this letter comes across as self- serving. My best constructive advice is to update your resume and start applying for new jobs.

  57. Katie the Fed*

    Oh I feel so bad for Sylvia. Not only did she have to go through this, but now she has to SEE this person again, possibly every day. She deserves better than that.

    OP, what would you have done if you hadn’t gotten this job? I really think you need to start looking at other option. This doesn’t seem like a good idea at all.

    1. Lora*

      A sticky note. Something.

      “Dear Sylvia, I’m sorry I’m leaving like this, but I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye. -OP”

      Heck, you can get Domino’s to write it for you on a pizza box. An e-card. A craigslist ad. There’s a lot of options here.

      1. London Calling*

        Yeah well, I’m not so sure a letter makes it any better. I came home one day to find that my husband of five years had done the self-same thing (although he didn’t move abroad, just into a flat with his girlfriend). Reading ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and all the other cliches after you’ve come home and thought that you’ve been burgled doesn’t actually improve the situation or how you feel about it, take it from me.

        I have to say, though, I’ve always wondered about the women who can happily shack up with men who have shown themselves capable of such self-centred cold and calculated cruelty. Do they think that it’s going to be different for them?

        1. Lora*

          Re: girlfriends, they totally believe it’ll be different! Because *she* isn’t like crazy old *you*! She is a unicorn! She’s going to change him into a decent human being and it’s gonna totally be puppies and rainbows from now on! He said she makes him feel like a whole new person!

          At least if you can contact them to get them to sign paperwork for assets and whatnot, I think it helps. My lawyer said so anyways. I had to get a judge to explain in little words to my ex, “If you do not stay far away from her, we will boot you out of the country without a second thought. You will go get your stuff with a police escort if necessary and you will move out of the house and far away and you will communicate to her lawyer.” It was really no fun at all, and my lawyer still had to deal with a lot of drama from the girlfriend too. But I feel like the worst part was really that I still had to deal with this vampire version of the person I loved who sucked money instead of blood. Would have been painful but better if that part had been minimized, it was hard having further contact with him – it quickly went from “I’m very sad and upset but I will try to be civil” to “If you even LOOK at me again I will END you!”

          1. Soon to be former fed*

            Ha! The ex husband who abandoned me moved in with a woman he had cheated with. He refuses to marry her and plans on abandoning her to. He harbors a fantasy of us reuniting, but I told him that planning to do the same to her that he did to me shows he still has no conscience. Plus, I love someone else now.

            It’s ok to separate and break up, but its the way the did it that was wrong. Stop pretending all is well, which is what OP did I bet. That makes the abandonment all the more hurtful.

  59. Hornswoggler*

    > apologize (sincerely!)

    You also need to study beforehand how to make a good apology, because you’re not going to get more than one go at this. Google some online guides such as Psychology Today etc. Craft your apology to meet the requirements laid out by these guides.

    A bad apology would be adding insult to injury.

  60. Aeryn Sun*

    So wait, let me get this straight, you date someone for 3 years, live with them for two years, leave without a word and then the person who tries to get a hold of you is “obsessed” and weird for tracking you down? To be honest it doesn’t sound like you’ve learned all that much. You caused someone serious emotional distress. It’s not going to go away.

  61. Bend & Snap*

    Also–i don’t think OP should apologize, because it’s clear they don’t feel sorry. A meaningless apology is an insult.

  62. The IT Manager*

    I was SHOCKED that you ghosted on woman that you lived with for two years. Honestly I don’t think that the term “ghosting” even applies here. Ghosting means ignoring phones calls, texts, and IMs. Moving out while she was away is some form of running away like a thief in the night then ignoring her perfectly understandable attempts to get in touch with the man who hadn’t even broken up with her. So I would recommend that you don’t describe the situation as ghosting because it really minimalizes what you did in order to make it something a lot of other people do. What you did is not something a lot of people do.

    That said, I do believe you know what you did was wrong. Alison has great advice. Take the initiative and contact her by email first so she’s not blindsided by seeing you. Avoid an emotional scene on the first meeting that could make it impossible for you two to work together. Apologize once (but it is totally clear you’re only apologizing because you’re “caught”), and then ask how you two might manage a professional working relationship. I think saying that you’re trying to make it through the year or tem at this late date is a good offer. It works to your advantage if you BOTH discover you can have a working relationship you don’t have to leave. If you can’t work together it may allow you to leave at a normal departure point when it will be easier for you to find job.

    It is possible you won’t manage a working relationship and if that’s the case, you’re the one that has to go because you’re junior, more easily replaceable, and the guilty party.

  63. Doc C*

    I had a similar bad break up scenario nearly 14 years ago, complete with gas lighting. I’m very happily married now, but ever once in a while I get an email with Ex-Jerk’s face from LinkedIn. Apparently despite everything else, my email still exists somewhere. It is really hard not to send a wildy “emotional” expletive laden reply. Even though I recognize that a life with him would have been a disaster, because of the way he treated me I cannot image having to see that person every day, let alone try to work with them. Call it karma, but it sounds like OP needs to do the stand up thing and pay for his relationship crimes by finding a new job. Unfortunately, even with this I expect Sylvia’s new job will be a bit sourly tainted to start off.

  64. Employment Lawyer*

    This advice is horrible.

    OP, what you did was a non-abusive non-violent means of ending a relationship. And probably “walking out” is the most common means ever used in history.

    Did she like it? No. But so what: you don’t need her to like it. You need a job, and it IS NOT your responsibility to “fix” her upset for her, much less to proactively resign (seriously?) because she might be upset.

    Assume she’s a competent adult who has moved on. Minimize and be professional.

    “Sylvia,

    I know we have not spoken in a decade. I’m writing because I work at Company and it seems like you’re about to become my new boss. I did not want you to be surprised when you arrive, so I thought I would send you an email and let you know. Congratulations on the new position and I expect I will be seeing you shortly.”

    Note: No apologies. This is work, you don’t apologize for dating someone a decade earlier. All that it will do is open the door to a conclusion that this was all your fault (which in a relationship, it never is.)

    Note: No proactive suggestions that you will leave. Just the opposite: you should act like you will obviously stay, since private life from a decade ago has nothing to do with your professional competence. If she’s so upset, SHE can decline the job. That would certainly be better for you.

    Note: no offers to have it out in a deep chat. Why? it’s not her right, and it’s not in your best interest.

    Best of luck.

    1. Katie the Fed*

      No. THIS advice is horrible. Ignoring the mastodon-sized-elephant in the room is not going to be the start of a productive working relationship.

    2. FDCA In Canada*

      People aren’t robots. Expecting someone to totally ignore a deep personal wound is flippant and clueless as to the way human beings actually operate in the world.

      1. Kate*

        “you don’t apologize for dating someone a decade earlier”

        Please don’t insult the commentariat. Obviously you don’t. You apologize for abandoning someone you had lived with for two years, taking your stuff, leaving without a word of explanation, letting them wonder what happened, leaving them with loose ends to tie up, scarring them emotionally. Your statement grossly misrepresents what happened and what commenters are suggesting. It is abundantly clear that what he did wrong was not dating her, not ending the relationship, but ending the relationship in a despicably cruel manner. Generally lawyers are instructed not to skew facts this way.

        1. VivaL*

          +1000

          What employment lawyer has done here is gaslighting, plain and simple. Thank you Kate, for elucidating on this tactic so effectively.

    3. Roscoe*

      I completely agree. This woman is the MANAGER. We have seen many times that the manager is supposed to be held to a higher standard. That means being able to take your personal feelings from 10 YEARS ago and not applying them to someone who was already there, and doing a good job.

      Put it this way. If this one of my co-workers who I know and trust, and my new boss knew them from 10 years ago, had some drama with them, and acted unprofessional, it would be my boss who I wouldn’t respect at that point.

      I can feel bad for Syliva, but she is the one who needs to know how to deal with this. It is not on OP to re-arrange his entire life. If she can’t handle being professional, maybe she shouldn’t work there.

      1. Gaia*

        I think I would agree if the break up had been messy and the OP had just stopped talking to Sylvia after they split. But that isn’t really what happened. The OP left Sylvia wondering if they were still alive. That isn’t breaking up in a bad way, after which Sylvia would be expected to act in a professional way after 10 years. That is emotionally abusive.

      2. Mike C.*

        There are reasonable limits, and this is a case where it goes far beyond those limits.

        The OP caused the problem, and the OP needs to deal with the consequences. This obsession with professionalism at all costs, no exceptions, “beep boop I’m a robot” stuff is not a fair nor reasonable standard to hold for anyone.

        Abandonment is emotionally abusive. We shouldn’t be defending, excusing nor excluding this behavior from our consideration.

        3. LBK*

          Agreed. This isn’t like the bullying letter where I could see there maaaaybe being more moral ambiguity to it, and IIRC with the details the OP provided later it seemed like the person was really just holding a disproportionate grudge. I don’t think there’s a statute of limitations on how long she can be upset with the OP in this case. I think it would be completely fair to never want to speak to him again, and I don’t think the boundaries of professionalism override the boundaries of being a human being in this case.

      3. required name*

        This is not “had some drama”. This is “I left her after two years living together without telling her I was doing that, leaving the ball in her court to find out if I was still alive”.

      4. aebhel*

        No. Hopefully, Sylvia will be able to deal with this professionally. Even if she is, though, she should not have to work with someone who treated her this way. If Sylvia already worked there and was behaving unprofessionally, my advice would be different. She absolutely should be able to deal with this professionally, without retaliating against the OP.

        But this is an awful situation to put a person in, and if OP wants to actually do the right thing (instead of just continuing to experience no consequences for his bad behavior), then he should not put his ex in this situation. If he doesn’t care about doing the right thing, he’s within his rights to stay put and hope that his ex doesn’t retaliate against him. He may end up lucky in that regard; she may be a consummate professional. But for one thing, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to believe that she’s capable of managing him appropriately no matter how she behaves. Given how he’s characterized her (pretty reasonable, from the sounds of it) reaction to his past behavior, it seems likely that he’ll characterize any disciplinary actions or management decisions he dislikes as resentment. It’s very unlikely to be tenable, long term.

      5. Anna Held*

        We don’t know he’s doing a good job. We know he hasn’t been fired yet. Yes, it may well be that his job performance is fine, even great, but it’s equally possible that he’s only been good enough not to get fired, and they’re very excited about their new hire. A teacher might well be more easily replaced than an administrator.

      6. The Voice of Reason*

        Excellent point. Being a manager means being able to draw a line between the personal and the professional.

      7. Bolt*

        She can be 100% professional but this will forever impact her impression of him. If he is up for a special promotiom involving sticking to a long term living arrangement – we all know which way she’ll sway… but it will impact everything that involves her judgement, it can’t really be helped at this level.

      8. Observer*

        Yeah, if you are talking about “some drama” you have a point. The thing is that this is far more that that. It’s a person acting like and unethical and totally untrustworthy low life. That’s a very big difference.

        Even MANAGERS get to despise people who’ve acted like scum, even 10 years later.

      1. CatCat*

        Seriously. The letter writer treated her with cruelty. It doesn’t have to be violent to be abuse.

            1. Roscoe*

              Ok, come on. He didn’t fake his death here. He moved out. If his stuff was gone, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that HE moved it out. Now I’m not condoning his behavior, but he didn’t make her think he died.

              1. Mike C.*

                I didn’t say “fake death”, I said “make people think you died”. If you suddenly disappear, that she what your loved ones will worry about. It’s a pretty normal reaction.

            2. The Voice of Reason*

              OP didn’t do that. He moved out. What he did was mean, but not abusive. You need to stop stretching the word “abuse” to cover anything.

              1. Planner Lady*

                But we only have his word for that. There is a genuine possibility (in my mind at least) that there was some kind of unhealthy dynamic in the relationship prior.

              2. Observer*

                He lied to her and then just disappeared while she was gone. Any reasonable person would wonder if the guy was running from the law or from the mafia. So maybe not made her think he was ALREADY dead, but certainly frightening enough.

                This was not “mean”. Please stop trying to stretch this to cover bald cruelty.

              3. Mike C.*

                Don’t trivialize what I’m posting. If your family members just disappeared, what would go through your mind? Think about that for a second, it’s really not that unreasonable to worry that something horrible has happened.

              4. Bess*

                “Mean” does not remotely cover disappearing without a word or trace after 3 years, 2 of living with the partner, and then blaming the partner for any negative reactions to this abandonment. Like…really? I’d have a hard time speaking with a sibling if they did this to someone after even 1 year.

                He didn’t “move out.” That usually follows some kind of discussion or fight. He disappeared while she was visiting family. And BLAMED her for having emotions about that after the fact. Inflicting this kind of harm on someone and blaming them for their reactions can certainly be considered abusive. Like…really?

        2. Eljay*

          I have a serious problem with calling this behavior abusive. Hurtful? Yes. Immature? Yes. Selfish? Yes. Abusive? In my opinion, absolutely not. Hurting someone’s feelings doesn’t automatically make you an abuser…though in some cases, it definitely makes you an asshole.

          2. motherofdragons*

            Hurting someone’s feelings isn’t abusive, sure. But what OP did to Sylvia goes beyond that. There are financial implications for moving out of a shared residence without warning, and there are emotional implications for cutting off/avoiding contact with someone you’d lived with for the past 2 years, forcing them to contact your family to track you down. I’m sure there are more issues at play that I can’t even think of at the moment, having never been in this situation, but I am absolutely confident (and commenters who HAVE been in Sylvia’s situation confirm) that this was far more than just hurt feelings!

            1. Eljay*

              I agree that this would have had a serious impact on his ex…it’s an awful thing to do to someone – incredibly selfish and cruel. All that being said, nothing that you are describing can be considered abusive. Walking out of someone’s life is cruel, but how is it abusive? Anyone in a relationship can leave it at any time. I want to stress that I am not in any way condoning the behavior of the OP, but calling him abusive is not fair or accurate.

              1. Mary*

                Conversely, I’m completely happy calling this abusive. Anyone can leave a relationship at any time, but to do so like this is abusive, unless you have good reason to fear for your safety.

                1. Eljay*

                  Abuse generally involves an action (verbal, emotional, physical and all other forms of abuse I can think of). Abuse is not the absence of taking appropriate action – that’s just being rude!

                2. Mina*

                  Actually, abuse can be passive. In my case, information that would have determined whether or not I would continue the relationship was withheld from me/mentioned callously after the fact.

                3. Solidad*

                  @Mina

                  RE Passive abuse

                  I know an adoptive mother who knows her adoptive daughter carries gene that will very, very likely cause breast cancer in time and that there’s a high familial risk of some mental wiring being wonky and some mental illness developing.

                  She won’t even tell the child she’s adopted. The child is an adult and is trying to figure out why x, y, and z are so hard for her. Her doctors shrinks are puzzled b/c there’s no history of mental illness in the family. Of course, it’s not her biological family.

                  To me, the passive withholding of that critical information is abusive.

                  Similarly, if a man told me he was clean, had a vasectomy, and was going to be monogamous with me but none of those things were true, I’d consider his withholding of that information abusive.

                  Abuse isn’t just hitting and violence. There are a lot of actions on the spectrum of abuse from passive withholding of critical information to torturing someone to death.

                  Some people are cringing at the word “abuse” b/c they’ve been conditioned to believe it’s only abuse if it’s really severe.

                  It’s a lot like sexual assault and rape. Removing a condom isn’t has horrible as violently anally assaulting someone. But it’s still not right.

                4. Solidad*

                  @Eljay

                  No, abusive can be withholding of an action or information. It most certainly can be passive.

                  I’ve worked in the courts in this area for a long time. The most common forms of child abuse are passive. My state calls it “neglect” as a label to differentiate it from active abuse. But it’s still abuse.

                  It also works that way in interpersonal relationships. If you and I are lovers and I fail to do something I’m morally required to do and/or I have promised you that inaction can be abuse.

                  You may be balking b/c you’ve been conditioned to see the term abuse or abusive as being this hard-line violent act. It’s not. It’s a spectrum of behaviors both active and passive.

                  You can be abusive in a way that’s not legally actionable.

                  Also, like bullying, we’ve all probably been guilty of mild abusive behavior in our time.

                  There absolutely needs to be more of a social discussion about the spectrum and about how to recognize and stop these behaviors.

                  I don’t blame you for having this opinion. It’s what we are taught to think in our society. But it’s wrong. It damages people.

                  Also, FYI, rudeness meets the dictionary definition of abusive.

                  a·bu·sive
                  əˈbyo͞osiv,əˈbyo͞oziv/Submit
                  adjective
                  1.extremely offensive and insulting.

                  “abusive language”
                  synonyms: insulting, rude, vulgar, offensive, disparaging, belittling, derogatory, opprobrious, disrespectful, denigratory, uncomplimentary, censorious, pejorative, vituperative; More

                  2. engaging in or characterized by habitual violence and cruelty.
                  “abusive parents”
                  synonyms: cruel, brutal, savage, inhuman, barbaric, barbarous, brutish, vicious, sadistic; More

                5. Eljay*

                  I agree that neglect in the case of a child or other dependent is abusive. But we’re talking about two consenting adults here. People seem too eager to play the victim card – framing behavior like this as abusive diminishes the impact of real abuse on true survivors. Having your feelings hurt doesn’t instantly make you a victim.

              2. motherofdragons*

                Some people think his behavior was abusive, some don’t. I’m happy to agree to disagree as I don’t find this distinction particularly salient in any advice to the OP, and since we both agree that his actions were deplorable and had a terrible impact on Sylvia. But I don’t think that pointing out that anyone can leave a relationship at any time has any bearing on whether or not OP’s actions were abusive. Of course anyone can leave anyone at any time. No one is saying OP is wrong to have left Sylvia. He unfortunately chose a way to leave her that no doubt had both a heavy financial and emotional impact on Sylvia, enough to warrant a label of “abusive” behavior in some opinions.

          3. LBK*

            I agree here, I think abuse implies more of a pattern of behavior rather than a one-off terrible act. You might be able to describe the act itself as abusive (eg in the character of an abuser), but I don’t think one abusive act makes the OP an abusive person, if that makes sense.

          4. Not So NewReader*

            I can go with behavior that is an abusive AH and be okay with that.
            When you leave someone with no explanation, leave all your bills and your mess and your broken promises and think it’s small potatoes then yes, that is abusive.
            Sylvia is a human being, not a play toy that has grown boring and you tuck in the attic for the rest of your life. The fact that OP minimized his obligations to Sylvia then and continues to minimize the hurt he has caused her does seem to indicate that OP could be inclined toward abusive behaviors.
            People who are not capable of understanding another person’s perspective set themselves up for many types of problems. What we see here is just one type.

          5. Mirily*

            Breaking up with someone you’ve been with constitues as “hurting their feelings” but definitely isn’t abusive.

            Leaving without telling them and then sticking them with bills and a financial situation they weren’t prepared for though, borders on abusive. You’re harming their well being at that point.

      3. Employment Lawyer*

        I’m a lawyer. I see lots of ways of ending relationships. This one is VERY MUCH in the boundary of “acceptable, though not ideal.”

        2. Blue Anne*

          As a lawyer, I’m sure you realize there is a difference between “legal” and “moral”.

          1. The Voice of Reason*

            No, he’s the reason people turn to lawyers for clear, dispassionate advice when they can’t think straight.

            1. Observer*

              Advice like that is very, very bad, even from the legal point of view. Juries (and even judges) are far more likely to give someone the benefit of the doubt and cut them some slack if they seem like otherwise decent people and at least made some effort to avoid unnecessary pain. This level of inhumanity is likely to make any jury see red and throw the book at a person.

              You might be interested to know that every hospital that has changed their approach to serious medical “adverse events” (up to and including the death of a patient) from the purely legalistic to a more humane and caring approach has LOWERED their legal and malpractice costs.

              It’s one thing for a lawyer to say “What you did was perfectly legal and should not get you into trouble in court.” That’s clear, dispassionate advice. “You did nothing wrong.” is inhuman.

        4. Snark*

          No, it’s not acceptable. At all. Your credentials as a lawyer are perfectly irrelevant. As a human, you should be fully capable of realizing that this would emotionally devastate a partner, and that wreaking emotional devastation is not defensible. Get real.

        7. Katie*

          I’m a lawyer therefore I know how relationships end? Are there relationship lawyers out there?
          I’m a barista therefore I know why haunted houses are scary.
          I’m a doctor therefore I know why the notebook is so sad.

          2. Lora*

            Ha! There’s divorce lawyers. And they are quite specific on How Not To Split Up – vanishing is considered one of the worse ways because of all the financial and legal loose ends that are practically impossible to untangle for years on end if your ex is unreachable to sign off on the paperwork.

            1. Solidad*

              As someone whose handled divorce and abuse cases, you are spot on.

              Do you know how judges react in cases cases where a spouse or parent flat out abandoned their partner or child and there was not severe abuse by the abaonded party? I do. It’s not pretty.

          4. Employment Lawyer*

            I also do some family law, and I know what abuse is.

            Abuse involves action, generally some sort of intentional action which is designed to hurt folks. Ghosting someone–which is to say, “walking out without talking to them again”–is the opposite of abusive action. It’s impolite; it’s unwise; it’s unfriendly; it sure as hell isn’t abusive.

            You have the right not to be abused, and that’s about it. You don’t have the right to your partner’s time, effort, mental energy, love, affection, or contact. Especially if you’re not married.

            And I might add that the implied rules some folks are demanding make no sense. Does he have an obligation to make her happy? Does he have an obligation to leave in a manner which makes her feel fulfilled?

            Even if you ignore that those claims are actually involved in a lot of abusive “you can’t leave me like this” behavior, why on earth would this be non-mutual?

            He left, and he clearly didn’t want to talk to her again. That is his ultimate right. But….
            She didn’t drop it; she didn’t release him; she didn’t let him go; she called his family and interfered with his ability to leave the relationship as he wanted. She could have sent him a “sorry you left; best of luck with your life” email on day 1, and she did not.

            Personally I think what she did was well within the bounds of acceptable behavior. But since y’all want to yammer about “abuse” here, and propose rules; and since you’re discussing the type of behavior which is actually more likely to be abusive…. well, in that case you are targeting the wrong person. Perhaps that will convince you that these rules are dumb.

            1. Gaia*

              Uhn uh, no, ghosting is an action. It is a choice. It is active, not passive. Especially after 3 years.

            2. motherofdragons*

              Withholding one’s “time, effort, mental energy, love, affection, or contact” from a partner can most definitely be abusive, in the emotional sense.

            3. Danger: Gumption Ahead*

              Sticking someone with your half of the household expenses without warning isn’t exactly a non-action.

            4. Observer*

              Firstly, he DID take a pair of actions, actions which were clearly going to hurt someone. It doesn’t matter whether that was his intent. He was an adult at the time, so he knew that this was going to be the outcome.

              Secondly, you have no evidence that she “didn’t accept his leaving.” Remember, he NEVER TOLD HE WAS LEAVING. She HAD NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED. OF COURSE she tried to track him down.

              Had he told her – or even written her a letter, and then stayed available enough to disentangle their affairs, that would have been totally different. Yes, then she needs to let go. She can’t insist that they “try to work it out” or anything like that. But basic humanity, decency and ethics say that you give people the information they need (ie that he is ok but wants out) and don’t leave the burden of dealing with all of the fall out on the other person, who also does not have the information they need.

            5. Not So NewReader*

              I think you are supporting the legal definition of abuse. And people here are using a definition as recognized on the social level. While you maybe technically correct, I don’t think I would mention this at parties.
              Our laws do not do a good job of keeping with what society places value on and wishes to protect. The laws are running, oh, about a decade or two behind our society.

            6. Edith*

              Abuse involves action, generally some sort of intentional action which is designed to hurt folks.

              Bullshit. Not even with regards to this letter, but for someone who claims to have worked in family law you have a shockingly loose grasp of the basic definition of abuse. Neglect is by far the most common form of child abuse, and it is characterized wholly by a lack of action.

        8. Her?*

          I’m a lawyer too. I see lots of ways of ending relationships also. This one is VERY MUCH outside the boundary of “acceptable.” I have the same credential and experience and I disagree, so now what?

          Your bar card is not a nuclear weapon you can deploy in conversations to win an argument, especially ones that don’t involve a question of law. It has no bearing on this conversation whatsoever, and the habit of law degree name-dropping is part of why people hate our profession.

          I realize telling another lawyer to have some empathy and humility is like telling my cat not to be an asshole, but yet some cats accomplish that feat, and I’ve always masochistically enjoyed tilting at windmills.

          1. Shadow*

            Well it is somewhat relevant if she’s a divorce lawyer. Although I’d expect a divorce attorney to have a somewhat twisted view of acceptable ways to end a relationship

            1. Solidad*

              Actually, as a lawyer who has done a lot of divorce and abuse cases, I’m both offended by her pulling out her experience as a trump card and the actual substance of the opinion.

              I know a lot of grizzled divorce lawyers and judges. None of them would excuse his behavior b/c it doesn’t meet the legal definition of abuse.

              The comment’s substance and the playing the lawyer card are sickening.

          2. Her?*

            Their handle is literally “Employment Lawyer,” and regardless, a divorce lawyer deals with the laws relating to ending a marriage, dividing up assets, and making custody arrangements. There aren’t “legal” or “illegal” ways to end a relationship. Apart from murder I suppose.

        9. Kate 2*

          With all due respect, you’ve got a fallacy going on here. You’re a lawyer. Generally people don’t bring a lawyer in unless things are awful. So the relationships you see are heavily weighted toward the “extremely bad” end of the spectrum. On the spectrum you see, the less bad relationship endings are still going to trend towards “really bad” and “horrific”.

          Basically every commenter on here, hundreds of people, are calling what OP did awful, unacceptable, and cruel. You are the outlier here. What OP did is not the norm and it is NOT acceptable.

        10. Game of Scones*

          I’m sure it was perfectly legal for my dad to move across the country while I was at elementary school but it sure as hell wasn’t acceptable.

          I’ve never had a bad romantic breakup, but OP’s history reminds me of how my dad ditched my family with no notice, and I’ll never stand by and let a morally obtuse slave to legality tell anyone that abandonment is acceptable behavior.

        11. Zip Zap*

          I agree. How bad it is depends on the circumstances. Sometimes it’s the best option. For example, some people have explosive tempers or a history of making threats (“If you leave me, I’ll [fill in the blank]”) or are just very manipulative. If something like that is going on, you’re better off just going than staying for the wrong reasons. Yes, it hurts the person. So do most break-ups. But if it was that kind of situation, you definitely don’t want the person managing you.

        12. aebhel*

          Uh, legally, sure. ‘Not illegal’ is a pretty low bar to clear when it comes to how you treat other people, though.

        13. London Calling*

          This one is VERY MUCH in the boundary of “acceptable, though not ideal.”

          Well, there you go, folks. If ever you’ve wondered about why there are so many jokes about how many lawyers on the seabed, there’s your answer.

          Take it from me as someone who has been there. IT ISN’T ACCEPTABLE. It’s shitty, cruel and deeply, deeply hurtful. Not that as a lawyer you’d recognise human emotions, I guess.

        14. Solidad*

          As a divorce lawyer, sorry, gotta disagree. Legal? Yes. Moral? No. Acceptable? No.

          I think you and I have very different standards for acceptable. I do not think he gets a cookie for being cowardly and cruel.

          He didn’t even leave a note.

        15. Sylvan*

          Do people whose breakups require the involvement of an employment lawyer illustrate what’s actually normal/okay?

        16. Observer*

          Legally? Maybe. Morally, ethically? Not in a million years. You don’t lie to someone and then leave them high and dry with no information – including the information they need to make reasonable decisions. That’s just despicable.

    7. Madame X*

      This advice does not seem very helpful for the LW here. He absolutely should apologize. He does not have to preemptively leave his position. It also would not be helpful for him to make any assumptions about how she feels about him 10 years later (although one can make some reasonable conclusions). However, he absolutely should apologize because his behavior was horrendous.

    8. animaniactoo*

      Walking out with no message or further communication on a long-established relationship is in NO WAY a common method of ending a relationship.

      Unless you’re my great-grandfather the traveling salesman who just never came home one day and was later found to be living in a nearby state with a new family several years later by a passing relative. And even then it was considered a shitty thing to do to someone.

    9. lisalee*

      “Non-violent and non-abusive” is an awfully low standard of how to treat someone you supposedly love.

      Most people are suggesting apologizing not as a fix for Sylvia’s feelings or to save the OP’s career prospects at this school but because it is the adult, moral thing to do.

    10. Althea*

      OP could try this, but there’s really no way to minimize how badly he treated Sylvia, regardless of what language is used. If I was Sylvia, I would take this kind of letter VERY badly. I would assume OP did not regret anything nor think he did anything wrong. I would also assume his judgment was seriously lacking, because he would have taken a bad mistake from youth and compounded it in the current time by not acknowledging that it occurred, or that he was aware it was a mistake.

      It would make me want to fire OP as soon as possible, frankly, because he would have blown his one chance to demonstrate that now he is a person of integrity and self-awareness after the callowness of his youth.

    13. Snark*

      So you are of the opinion that moving to another country while your partner of three years is visiting family, without actually formally breaking up, without telling her where you’re going, letting her frantically contact your friends and family because she’s not even sure that you’re alive, much less happen….is not only excusable, but something she should be expected to move right on past and form a functional professional relationship?

      What the actual fuck?

      Are you actually a sociopath, or are you just misreading the situation so badly you come off as one? This wasn’t walking out. This was an act of mindblowing cruelty. And while it might not have been physically violent, it was an act of abuse, and if you can’t see that, you occupy a different moral universe than I do. Your emotional compass points due south, my dude.

      1. Ann O'Nemity*

        Can we stop calling the OP a sociopath, please. Or accusing him of having a personality disorder, etc. It’s mean and unhelpful.

    14. LizB*

      What would be an abusive means of ending a relationship, in your opinion, if this doesn’t qualify?

      I’ve been thinking that the only reason to move out, leave the country, and not contact your partner of three years ever again would be if that person was abusive and that’s the only safe way to leave. The OP’s description indicates that Sylvia was not. Just people walk out on their partners all the time doesn’t mean it’s not a terrible thing to do. (And I’m pretty sure most people who walk out would at least leave a note saying “It’s over,” not just up and vanish.)

      1. Employment Lawyer*

        What’s abusive?

        Well, from the last months or so I’d say there’s hitting, stealing, lying, false reporting, constantly harassing. And certain things involving kids, which I won’t get into. And breaking up friendships, getting people fired from their job, slashing their tires, trying to kill their pets, doing bad shit involving substances; and some other things which are considerably more depressing. Did you forget those exist? Or are you in a land where your comparisons are off, so that you think an unusually obnoxious breakup amounts to abuse? That’s embarrassing.

        He left; she made a call to the family. She presumably found out he was alive and didn’t want to see her any more.

        If you’d be satisfied with an “it’s over” note then you should be satisfied as soon as she called his family. But apparently she wouldn’t have accepted that (see “causing various scenes with my parents and friends”) so if you want to keep arguing this was abusive, you had better move those goalposts again.

        Look: People break up, have fights, do stupid shit all the time. Sometimes they want to talk about it; sometimes the other person doesn’t want to. But it takes two to have a conversation and nobody has an entitlement to your time and energy. Walking away is the ultimate right from which all others stem.

        You apparently believe she is entitled to do what she wants (including “fire him”) if it makes her feel better. You also apparently think she was entitled to keep trying to contact him against his wishes.
        In that world of “do what you want,” then you should believe he was entitled to do what he wants (including “leave and never speak to her again”) if it makes him feel better. Or do you only apply your rules to one side?

        1. Observer*

          Um, just because he didn’t murder or torture anyone, doesn’t make what he did acceptable. We also have no evidence that she kept on going on after the reality became clear and he’d fulfilled any obligations (eg getting his name off any shared accounts, etc.) “various scenes” could as easily been due his family being uncooperative with her legitimate needs or being supporters of the OP’s behavior.

          Also, whether something is legal or not is not the issue. When you act like an untrustworthy jerk to someone you need to accept that that person is going to treat you like the jerk they know you to be. You also need to accept that when you are this much of an untrustworthy jerk, the person you messed over is NOT going to want to work with you – and that’s on you. And while in some positions it totally doesn’t matter if you are a jerk, this is not one of those situations.

        2. Casper Lives*

          Genuine questions, as I’m not a divorce lawyer: what do you advise your clients when their live-in partner causes EXTREME financial hardship by unilaterally breaking the lease and any bills that were split by leaving the country, thus making any attempt at recovery impossible?

          And since divorce work is presumably not your primary bread & butter (based on your moniker), have you heard of financial abuse? Your response seems focused on this being “acceptable,” but I’ve got no idea what standard you’re using. It’s not society at large.

        3. JP*

          Ah yes, the classic “It’s not abuse unless it’s the worst form of abuse” attitude, so beloved by abuse apologists everywhere ;) Now you need to claim they’re minimising “real” abuse so we can mark another square on the abuse apologists bingo card.

        4. CodingFool*

          What if the OP and Sylvia had children together? Would it meet your definition of abuse then?

        5. Solidad*

          Please stop. You are making lawyers look bad and you do not know as much as you think you do.

          I could go toe to toe on this. I could ask the opinion of my 80 year old family law judge friend who is arguably more of an expert than either of us will ever be, but somehow I think you’ll only double down on this.

          You are coming across as a classic asshole lawyer who reads the black letter law and thinks that understanding that is the be all and end all of any discussion.

    16. paul*

      It’s common for *short* relationships. This wasn’t short. They’d lived together for a few years.

      If it was something like a one month relationship…eh, I’d mostly agree with you. But it wasn’t. They’d moved in, had almost certainly mingled finances, had been living together for a couple of years.

      It’s not abusive in a legal sense for sure, but it was an amazingly selfish thing to do, and likely had real world consequences for Sylvia (beyond the emotional ones).

      I’m all for trying to draw boundaries between personal and professional but this might well be a bridge too far for her, and I couldn’t blame her.

          1. Snark*

            Couple weeks back, we got a letter from a manager who was professionally threatened and jealous of a new direct report, and it was quite the kerfluffle.

          2. K.*

            Was from a few weeks ago; a manager ended up getting herself and her whole team fired due to the toxic environment she created that caused a stellar employee to quit. Her goal was to force this employee out by “un managing” her.

    18. Only here for the teapots*

      Is this the ‘at least I didn’t hit her’ rationalization/excuse/bullshit? Because wow.

      1. Aeryn Sun*

        Seriously – not being physically abusive is like the lowest bar. Could OP have been a worse person? Yeah, but that doesn’t make him a good person.

    19. Gaia*

      There are non-abusive, non-violent ways to end relationships after THREE YEARS that don’t involve moving out while someone is away and never telling them. That is immature and, I’d argue, a form of emotional abuse.

    20. Aeryn Sun*

      This is pretty horrible advice. OP caused Sylvia serious emotional distress. Not just breaking up or leaving, but leaving her to wonder what had happened to him. This isn’t OP going to work for an ex, this is OP going to work for someone he traumatized. If I got this letter I’d assume he hadn’t learned anything and he’d be packing his bags.

    21. Amber Rose*

      Gas lighting and leaving someone questioning their own sanity and existence is abuse. Tearing up their lives, probably leaving them with a rental agreement whether they can afford it or not, that’s abuse. Plain and simple. Not all abuse is physical.

      Walking out is common. VANISHING is not. Leaving someone to wonder if you were kidnapped by the mob or up and effing died? No.

      What you posted is ridiculous and shameful.

      1. Solidad*

        Not all abuse is nuclear level.

        This is like sexual harassment v. sexual assault v. rape. You don’t have to rape someone to sexually abuse them.

        You don’t have to hit someone or berate them for years to abuse them.

        One act can be abusive. It’s not nuclear level abusive, but it’s still abusive and wrong.

        There’s no way he didn’t know this wasn’t cruel. Unless he’s a sociopath.

      2. The Voice of Reason*

        Gaslighting is trying to make an abused person think that s/he is “crazy” (itself a loaded word, but I can’t think of a better one at the moment.) I don’t really see that here. From a relationship perspective, I think they way OP ended the relationship was mean, and should have told Sylvia that the relationship was over and that he was moving out. Having said that, I wouldn’t characterize it as “abusive,” although that’s mostly a semantic question. And Employment Lawyer is right that ultimately OP is entitled to end a relationship, especially if there aren’t any kids involved.

        From an organizational behavior perspective, though, none of this is relevant.

        1. Anita*

          Um, the OP completely gaslit Sylvia IN THIS LETTER. Did you miss the following:

          “Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.”

          Painting Sylvia as a stalker for trying to find out what happened to her LIVE IN PARTNER is gaslighting.

          1. Roscoe*

            I mean, the 2 things aren’t mutually exclusive. He could have been a jerk for how he left her, and she could have at the same time did crazy stuff with his family and friends. For example, reaching out to them to find out if he is ok is normal. Her showing up to his family’s house on their anniversary because she assumed he would be there would be causing a scene. We don’t know what she did here. So you can’t say for sure he was gaslighting her, nor can I say the he isn’t. But that doesn’t mean you should assume that happened.

        2. Observer*

          Why are you persistently ignoring the fundamental issue? No one says that the OP had any obligation whatsoever to stay in a relationship that was not working for him. The problem is HOW he ended the relationship. AND his failure to acknowledge that what he did was seriously problematic.

    24. So Very Anonymous*

      Not only is this horrible advice on its own, but “If she’s so upset, SHE can decline the job. That would certainly be better for you” is especially terrible because it’s essentially recommending that Sylvia voluntarily retraumatize herself. Why on earth should *Sylvia* have to consider unemployment in this case?

    25. Zephyrine*

      “All that it will do is open the door to a conclusion that this was all your fault (which in a relationship, it never is.)”

      Usually I can get behind this sentiment, but here? Noooooooo. The OP bears full responsibility for his/her actions, unless we’re missing a critical piece of the puzzle (like, Sylvia was abusive or something).

    26. Old Admin*

      This advice is HORRIBLE.

      I visualized a certain ex sending me an email at my new job ending with:
      “Congratulations on the new position and I expect I will be seeing you shortly.”

      I would be horrified and majorly triggered.
      This is a big nono.

      1. SignalLost*

        Yeah, with at least one of my exes, that sentence would be a death threat. Not saying it’s that for Sylvia, just saying that that language would be terrifying.

    27. PizzaDog*

      I’ve seen some pretty bad takes lately, but this one takes the cake. This is awful advice.

      This person left the country while Sylvia was visiting family – after dating for three years. It’s shitty after three months, but three years? A lease, possibly shared finances, bills, etc; and that’s on top of emotional hardship.

      Apologising to her directly is literally the bare minimum that they can do. What are they going to do when/if they can’t handle working with Sylvia? Up and leave the job and country again with no notice?

      1. Solidad*

        Ditto

        FWIW, I do a lot of work w victims of all kinds of abuse and I think Employment Lawyer is being s callous ass on this one.

        One act can be abuse. Legally.

        Many things are abuse that don’t meet the legal definition. I would never use the law to argue about what is “abusive” bc the entire system favors abusers.

        It’s really had to get a DV conviction even w hardcore abuse. Anyone w more than a passing knowledge of dealing w abuse in the courts should know this. If they don’t, they either lack experience or empathy.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          We can bring our compassion to our jobs or not. It’s a choice we have to make. Laws can be argued in numerous ways and from many angles. We use the law to help people or we can use the law to beat them. We have to decide how we view life, first. I have seen some serious cases of people using the law to beat other people down, and I have to wonder why.

      2. Casper Lives*

        Me too. It’s late, but this reminded me of so much of certain kinds of people in my law school class…

    29. Elizabeth H.*

      I agree with this. The objective is minimizing or mitigating the work related difficulties, not trying to level up your karma in the court of the Three Fates. The past is the past.

      1. Observer*

        And you really think that this is going to be helpful to him?

        Do you really think that Sylvia is going to look at this and say “Hm, I’m totally cool with this guy and have no reason to think his behavior at work might be a problem” to herself? Personally, I highly doubt it. The reality is that Sylvia is a human being who knows that the OP is not trustworthy. Now she’s going to conclude that he’s also extremely un-self aware and doesn’t know how to acknowledge any wrong doing. In a job like this, those are significant issues.

        1. Elizabeth H.*

          He does acknowledge wrong-doing! I don’t know what people want him to do, wear a hair shirt for twenty years because of shitty relationship behavior in his early 20s? I have a lot of shitty relationship behavior behind me and I think a lot of people do. Just because he didn’t spend a lot of time grovelling about it in an emotionally sensitive way in a letter to Ask A Manager, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t realize that it was the wrong thing to do or is not self aware.

          1. Observer*

            No, saying “this wasn’t a good way to end the relationship” is NOT acknowledging wrong doing. It’s minimizing it. No one is asking him to wear a hair shirt for 20 years. They ARE expecting him to acknowledge that what he did was waaaay out of bounds for a decent person and act on that knowledge. And, to understand that though he may not have faced any consequences of his more than “shitty” behavior, what goes round generally DOES eventually come round, and that’s what he’s stuck with.

            And, I find it REALLY interesting that you seem to think that so many people have done stuff that’s on this level to people.

            1. Elizabeth H.*

              >>No, saying “this wasn’t a good way to end the relationship” is NOT acknowledging wrong doing. It’s minimizing it.
              There are only so many different words to express something. This is an email to a busy advice website. He used clear language.

              >>They ARE expecting him to acknowledge that what he did was waaaay out of bounds for a decent person and act on that knowledge.
              He is writing in for advice on how to act on that knowledge.

              >>And, to understand that though he may not have faced any consequences of his more than “shitty” behavior
              Not sure how else to describe it. What stronger terms do you prefer we use? Why is it important to use the most extreme language whenever possible?

              >>And, I find it REALLY interesting that you seem to think that so many people have done stuff that’s on this level to people.
              Implication here is that I have this point of view because I personally have awful morals and don’t think anything of treating people badly in relationships. Almost all relationships fail. Almost everyone has made a serious mistake in their life.

              1. Observer*

                I’m not going to bother with most of your message because you’re just repeating yourself without any real basis.

                I will only point out that the issue here has nothing to do with a relationship failure and what the OP did is not just a “serious mistake” an extremely damaging and PLANNED action which he clearly thought through quite carefully – just without any reference whatsoever to the harm he was inflicting on another person. I don’t think that “almost all people” have done that.

    30. SarahTheEntwife*

      Usually when you walk out on someone, you tell them. That’s painful, but at least they have some form of closure as to whether you’re still dating. You don’t wait for them to conveniently be away for a week and then vanish, leaving them to wonder if you’re even still alive.

      1. LBK*

        Right – “walking out on someone” implies leaving after a fight or another incident, or at least after telling them you’re leaving. Unless you’re doing it because you believe you’re in danger, disappearing into the night is not what “walking out on someone” means.

    31. NaoNao*

      Um, you know what else is a “non abusive, non violent” way to end things? With a conversation. A note. Through a third party.

      I confess it boggles my mind to see that the options are either some kind of blow out with injuries and the police called, or walking out.

      It’s not about her “not liking it”. When you live with someone, (and as a lawyer I assume you know more about this than I do) there’s an implied contract. One does not simply break a contract with no notice, reason, or follow up, without expecting to suffer some consequences.

      This is a very interesting peak into the worldview of “who on earth does this?!?!” however.

    32. LBK*

      This is work, you don’t apologize for dating someone a decade earlier.

      Wow, what a complete insane way to describe this situation.

    33. Student*

      ” And probably “walking out” is the most common means ever used in history. ”

      Sounds like we found somebody else on the internet who’s done what the OP did.

      No, disappearing without saying anything at all, when living together, is not common. It’s cruel. It’s self-centered. As a supposed “lawyer”, you should also recognize it’s financially harmful to the other person, who has no chance to disentangle assets fairly – which IS her due, legally. He just decides which shared assets to abscond with, decides to stick her with the next round of bills due without paying anything into it, decides to stick her with rent she may not be able to afford solo, decides to suddenly cancel anything he may be paying for that might impact her (renter’s insurance, vehicle insurance, electric bills, phone bills, etc. may all be non-trivially entangled, and let’s hope there was no shared bank account!).

      This behavior should be reserved only for getting out of abusive relationships, and then that’s only because there’s a very real and well-documented basis that the process of leaving abusive relationships is the most physically dangerous time for the victim.

      1. aebhel*

        That this person thinks this is common behavior makes me feel very sorry for anyone they’ve ever dated.

      2. Lynn Whitehat*

        I looked it up once. 5% of marriages end this way. My grandfather left my grandmother by just up and moving across the country while she was out for the evening, which is why I was interested.

    34. Mary*

      >> non-abusive

      Leaving your partner of three years
      – with whom you live and presumably have done level of financial involvement
      – with no word or explanation, so they don’t even know if you’re dead or alive

      is not “non-abusive” and it’s certainly not “common”.

      Telling them it’s over and your leaving and here’s the rent for the next three months would be “a common way of ending a relationship”. This is not that!

    36. Sarah*

      Employment Lawyer,

      You’re kidding, right?

      Well I guess OP isn’t the only jerk in the world.

    37. The Voice of Reason*

      Fully agree with Employment Lawyer. OP needs to keep the communication professional. This communication is about their working relationship going forward, not about atoning for the failings of OP’s personal life.

      If the parties involved can’t differentiate between the two, one shouldn’t be managing the other.

      2. Mary*

        You and Employment Lawyer seem to be getting things mixed up here.

        What OP needs to do from a legal/professional point of view: nothing.

        What OP needs to do from an ethical/moral point of view: understand the gravity of his actions, consider the situation from Sylvia’s point of view, work out how to minimise the impact on her going forward.

        What OP needs to do from a practical point of view, just because he has quite correctly identified that this situation is too bloody awkward to work out well for him: get a new job.

        These are totally different standards. Saying that the OP ought to find a new job is a million miles away from saying he’s legally or professionally obliged to find a new job, or that Sylvia is incapable of acting professionally around him.

        It’s just straight-up the sensible thing to do, and the most ethical.

      3. ggg*

        Also OP does not actually mention anywhere that he is in fact sorry.

        Whether he apologizes or not, I think Silvia will be pissed and OP will be out of a job. At least this way all written communication on the record is completely professional.

    38. Observer*

      If this is the kind of advice you are giving your employment clients, I suspect that they have MUCH higher legal bills than they should.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, how many lawsuits end where the plaintiff says, “You know, if the other party had just said they were sorry, I wouldn’t have sued.”
        It really interesting to read about inheritance disputes, too. Many times it’s a family who never says “I love you” to each other, so money becomes the focus.
        Can’t make it a law to say “I love you” to your family but you can apply the law in responsible ways when you know this is the core problem.

  65. Althea*

    “I understand that this would not have happened if I did not ghost her back then, but I cannot do anything about it now.”
    —
    I want to suggest that when you reach out to her, you abandon this kind of language I’ve quoted from you. What I do not find great about your wording is that you do not ever, in your letter, acknowledge that you were *wrong*, that you *understand* how much pain you caused her, and that you are now *sorry* for how you behaved.

    These words “I was wrong, I understand I hurt you, and I am sorry for it now” are absolutely crucial to include in anything you tell her now (and I hope they are true). If I got a letter from you in this situation and it had the quote at the top, I would take it quite badly, because from that it sounds as if you are shrugging off that it was in the past and never once mentions her feelings or yours. If you want a prayer of a positive outcome, please consider this carefully before you reach out.

  66. Kate*

    Nope, no kudos for you. And I’d like to suggest that if you intend to interact with Sylvia now, you need to think carefully about some of the language you used here, because it indicates that you have a very different take on what happened than she probably does.

    1. Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.
    And? Of course she was emotional! She has emotions and you did something horribly cruel!! Using “obsessed” makes it seem like you’re trying to cast her in the Glenn Close role- and that’s not fair. She didn’t become obsessed with the relationship, she became obsessed with the fact that you ghosted a three-year relationship AND MOVED OUT with not a word! You’re trying to make her behavior look bad and she did nothing wrong, on the facts of this story.

    2. “The unpleasant situation a long time ago”. Unpleasant is a ridiculous understatement, and it doesn’t matter how long ago it was. Your need to remind us that it was a long time ago comes off as yet another attempt to take blame off yourself. Own up. You did something despicable. And it doesn’t seem like you gave it a second thought until it became a possibility that YOU would suffer from what you did. It was just fine when your girlfriend was devastated, but oh no, you might lose your job- NOW it matters!!!

    I know you asked for constructive feedback. Here’s mine. Stop shifting blame, stop passing judgment on how Sylvia reacted, stop saying things like “unpleasant” that minimize what you did, stop pointing out that it was a long time ago. Operate under the fact that this is 100% on you, and offer up no extenuating circumstances/excuses. Good luck.

    2. lisalee*

      Also she probably “became obsessed” because she thought the OP had a breakdown or was dead! Even if our relationship was on the rocks, if my partner vanished in the night I sure as heck would try to find out if they were okay and WTF had happened.

      I’m really concerned about the OP’s characterization of Sylvia. It really doesn’t seem like he gets why his behavior was so hurtful and wrong.

    3. blackcat*

      “Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.”

      Could mean
      1) Legit stalking, harassing his parents and friends, begging to get them to persuade him to come back, etc
      2) Calling up/FB messaging people to basically ask “Hey, uh, so he alive? Did the mob get him? Is he okay?”

      or anything in between

      I could also see option 3) Starting with 2, realizing what had happened, and deciding to say “Here is the shit thing that your kid/friend did. He should be ashamed.” That’s drama filled, sure, and perhaps not an ideal response. But I might do that, too. It’s not dissimilar from a cheated on and dumped spouse telling all mutual friends & family about the cheating. I view it as generally within the rights of the injured party to tell others the truth.

      1. Solidad*

        Whatever her response was does not retroactively justify his shitty behavior in how he left.

        All we really know is that he abandoned her. That’s his narrative.

        If you steal my car and then I put that all over the internet so that you lose your job, house, and wife….my behavior may be an over-reaction, but it does not justify your bad behavior.

  67. To Carry On*

    I am disturbed by his calm, detached description of the issue. I am more disturbed that he had the cahones to reach out for advice. As someone previous said “What a grave to have dug.” You will get everything you deserve.

    1. Snark*

      Yeah, it gives the impression that OP…..has some problems with empathy and compassion. As in, maybe he has none.

      1. Gaia*

        Even if the OP does, the OP should do what many other people who lack empathy and compassion do: pretend to have it.

    2. rudster*

      That’s a bit harsh. So, because of how he behaved in a relationship 10 years ago he should be deprived of the right to earn a living or live where he wants? Those kinds of consequence should be reserved for abuse or criminal behavior, not being too afraid to break up with someone in (probably) one’s early 20s.

      1. Snark*

        “So, because of how he behaved in a relationship 10 years ago he should be deprived of the right to earn a living or live where he wants?”

        You think it’s his right to “live an expat lifestyle” and work wherever he pleases?
        AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHno. Those are privileges – the privileges of an affluent, educated person who moves through the world with power, status, and impunity.

        Yeah, I think if you abandon a multiyear relationship, emotionally devastate your partner, and skate on even having the difficult breakup talk, and that person re-enters your life at some point, social and professional fallout are entirely reasonable and just consequences. There is a dignity in consequences.

        1. The Voice of Reason*

          “You think it’s his right to “live an expat lifestyle” and work wherever he pleases?”

          Actually, yes. If he’s got a job offer abroad and appropriate work permits, it’s absolutely his right to work wherever he pleases.

          1. Gadfly*

            Okay, so to waive credentials around, my first Bachelor’s was essentially in ethics and reason. And you are repeatedly misrepresenting the latter on ypur comments. ‘Reason’ in the most condescendingly colloquial meaning of the word at best, not anything with a shred of logical rigor.

            This is not a right. He has an opportunity, one which can be rescinded by others without violating his rights. There is no moral/ethical duty here for anyone to provide him with a job simply because he technically qualified.

            And when circumstances change, that can result in him no longer qualifying. Inability to perform his job is disqualifying, and she has as much ‘right’ to her job as he does to his. They can choose her over him.

            He at most has the right to work where he pleases and which agrees to have him work there. Unless he has a contract or other legal protection here, once they decide they don’t want to have him, all he has is a want to work there and an ability to work there, not a right to do so.

            1. The Voice of Reason*

              “He has an opportunity, one which can be rescinded by others without violating his rights.”

              Utter strawman, since no one has argued otherwise. What people are arguing is that OP has a moral duty to resign — some because they think this “atones” for his callow youth, others because they think he won’t be able to have a productive working relationship. Neither holds water.

              “Inability to perform his job is disqualifying, and she has as much ‘right’ to her job as he does to his. They can choose her over him.”

              So what? Inability to perform her job is disqualifying, too; do you say that she ought to resign, because perhaps his ability to cope with the relationship drama is greater than hers?

              1. Gadfly*

                You claimed it was a right. There is actually a specific meaning to the word you chose to throw around. By claiming he had a right, it is implied that it is something that carries with it, in its weakest form, a duty for others not to violate it.

                As much as I would love for there to be a right to be employed anywhere I want to be if I am qualified, ie work where I please if I have the right forms, it just isn’t a right. w2hich is the claim you made.

                Pointing out that you made a bad argument and why is not a strawman.

                As for if she should resign, well, that is a different discussion–my point is simply that even if you want to claim some sort of rights issue in this case, at the best we are left with conflicting rights and not something where he has special rights. And if you are basing his “right” to the job on his being qualified to perform it (having the right forms his ‘right’ is lost under the changed circumstances where he is no longer able to work with the new director.

      2. PizzaDog*

        I mean, yeah. If the person they did that to was about to be their boss. Their boss has every right to not want to work with them / for them.

      3. motherofdragons*

        I don’t get the sense that the job OP is currently in, is the only way to make a living within his location. There are other forms of employment, surely.

      4. NaoNao*

        The only way he’s going to be “deprived” of the right to earn a living or live where he wants is if he’s in jail. He can earn a living…somewhere where the woman he treated without a shred of conscience isn’t his boss. He can live right where he’s living now! Just not as an employee of the woman he dated for 3 years, lived with for 2, left while she was on a vacation, didn’t apologize to for 10 years, and describes with such scorn and contempt currently.
        Do people change? Sure.
        Do people who use the language the OP does to describe their behavior seem to have changed? Not much.

      5. Tuxedo Cat*

        As far as I can tell, his rights aren’t being violated. He can work at that job still, but it seems like a bad idea and rather inconsiderate. I’m guessing wherever he’s located, there has to be other jobs. My impression is that the OP is talking about jobs at international schools. He can live where he wants, but he might not live in the way he wants- his friends might drop him, his job might not be a good situation.

      6. aebhel*

        Because I like to sleep in rather than showing up to work, should I be deprived of the right to earn a living and live where I want? Come on. People lose and leave jobs for all sorts of reasons.

        Besides, I haven’t seen anyone suggesting that he doesn’t have the right to earn a living, just that the decent thing to do in this situation would be to leave. He doesn’t have to do the decent thing if he doesn’t want to, but that doesn’t change that fact.

  68. Sarah*

    You’re going to have to leave. I know you don’t want to, I know what it’s like to finally feel settled, but you have to go.

    A s a graduate of international schools and the daughter of an international school teacher, I know how limiting your options seem right now. Reach out to your network, check out the teachers fairs (aren’t they usually around October?), and do it all immediately. Then email Sylvia and say that you realize this is likely an impossible situation and that you’d like to figure out a way to work together in the short term but that you’ve already started reaching out to people as a long-term solution.

    Also be ready for this story to get around your entire community, no matter how you dress it up when you leave. Within 6 months the entire school community and international school community in your region will know what happened – I’ve seen it before. Your options are most likely a school in a neighbouring country but a different curriculum (British vs. Australian vs American) or an entirely new continent. But hey, you like adventure, right?

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I like this. If OP does this, it will show that despite the horrible awful thing he did, he recognizes that it was a horrible awful thing, and he is trying to mitigate any further damage or stress to the victim of the thing he did. Anything less is going to entrench people’s horror at this story (and at the OP) when it gets out.

    3. Zip Zap*

      Kind of ironic that this is happening when OP is happy to be settled down, and that this is what he’s afraid of losing…

  69. Venus Supreme*

    Yikes. Double yikes. Triple yikes.

    My first love in college ended up cheating on me/breaking my heart pretty gruesomely and we recently bumped into each other (5 years post-breakup) and all the bad feelings came rushing back, despite the fact we’ve both moved on. I can’t imagine this infiltrating my work life. I’m fairly confident Sylvia and OP exchanged “I love yous” and this will be a shock to her system to see OP.

    I agree that OP should focus on a short-term solution in terms of creating a workspace that won’t allow for any serious feelings to creep up (if that makes sense). OP should admit OP’s in the wrong, OP handled the situation horridly (both 10 years ago and in the years leading up to this situation), and please please don’t frame sentences/choose words that puts any amount of blame on Sylvia (as OP did in the letter).

  70. jv*

    Dude. This is your comeuppance.

    You need to approach her first before the term starts. Can you contact her? Let her know you were young and dumb. Acknowledge your immaturity – this is your fault, not hers. Make sure she’s comfortable. She most likely has moved on herself (hopefully).

    Not a fan of your description of her being ‘rather emotional and became obsessed’. I mean you disappeared. Vanished. She probably thought you were dead and wanted to know what on earth she did wrong. I’d be a mess myself. What a nightmare.

    1. Blue Anne*

      Yes. This is serious karma for the OP. It sounds like Sylvia’s reaction was entirely appropriate to the absolute nightmare situation OP put her in.

  71. nnn*

    As someone who was ghosted on in a similar way, I second Alison’s statement that Sylvia should know that you work there ahead of time. She’s most likely going to feel a big, messy dump of emotions that she might not have the acting skills to suppress in a professional context, so – at an absolute minimum – she needs some time to process it privately before she shows up at the school.

    I think the best medium for any communication is email/text/private messaging (whatever is used in your circle), from personal address to personal address. Send it at a time when she’s likely to be home, so she can process whatever feelings she has and take her time to compose a reply, and take her lead on how to follow up. If she wants a face-to-face or a telephone call, go with whatever she wants, but I wouldn’t recommend starting by suggesting these things.

    To maintain professionalism, you must absolutely not allow any negative thoughts or feelings you have about Sylvia to come up in or colour your words or actions – both when dealing with Sylvia and when dealing with others in your school and community. (i.e. this “emotional and obsessed” stuff has to go.)

    But it might be useful to think about positive things you know about Sylvia that pertain to her new role. Maybe she has excellent organizational skills? Maybe she’s one of the most creative problem-solvers you know? Maybe she’s kind and compassionate? Assemble everything positive you can think of – this is now Your Opinion Of Sylvia, and this is what will inform your words and actions to and about her for as long as you are both in this situation.

    1. Anna Held*

      This is GREAT advice. It sounds like they may be stuck working together for a term, and this will help a lot in getting through it.

    2. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

      This is absolutely tremendous and actionable advice. OP, I hope you take this comment to heart – particularly the last paragraph.

  72. OlympiasEpiriot*

    Wow.
    (1) Ghosting — especially after *3 YEARS* of a relationship — causes drama, it doesn’t sidestep it.

    (2) I think this is called “karma”. Traditionally, it happens in the next reincarnation. Yours was big enough (or you’re lucky enough) that it happened pretty quickly. You will likely just have to deal with being unemployed for a bit.

    (3) Whether you stay or leave, you *will* have to confront this and you need to do it now, before the term starts. Don’t wait until you write the perfect letter. Just dive it and do it. I am quite sure she wouldn’t want to be around you any more than you do around her.

    1. OlympiasEpiriot*

      And, it occurred to me that tangentially this is a good example of how foolish it is to have “ex-pat communities”. When I’ve lived abroad, I do my best to meet people who are from the place I am living. For starters, I see no reason to hide in the group of people from my country. I could have stayed home for that. In addition, it certainly broadens one’s circles of acquaintances.

      1. NaoNao*

        I will gently disagree with that, since I lived in Asia for three years and found my ex pat friends to be absolute lifesavers. While I lived outside of the community physically (in a mostly locals area) I really valued the ability to speak freely, to complain about the quirks of the country or culture without being perceived as ungrateful, to speak my native language quickly and with idioms intact, to share memories, and so on.

        Ex pats look out for one another and take care of one another, in general. Should you limit yourself to ONLY ex pats? No. But not everyone can be a maverick who is totally okay with only locals.

        1. OlympiasEpiriot*

          Ah. Well, I didn’t find it so freeing to talk to other expats from the US (my own country). I did find it interesting as a sociological observation; but, that was generally it. The other people from my own nation were often pretty dull and I wondered why they left the US — many spent a lot of time lamenting the lack of US tv shows and processed food; a shocking number of them didn’t learn much of the language. Nearly all were people I wouldn’t have spent much time socially around at home. The handful who I was friends with were people I’d have been friends with had I met them in the States.

          I didn’t specify “ONLY”, either. I just think an expat “community”, is limiting when one really needs to cling to it. I think it is a good idea if one travels, one should try to immerse oneself in the country and its culture. I don’t like to ask others to bend for me when I’m on their territory, although I do not try to dissolve into their culture. I am still a foreigner and need to accept that. Sometimes it gets lonely, but, hey, I could be lonely where I was born, too.

  73. Feo Takahari*

    Maybe I’ve been reading too much Captain Awkward, but when I saw this letter, I immediately filled in all kinds of reasons someone might be terrified of another person and desperately need to run away without being tracked down. All of my instincts related to how OP could escape further abuse. (Which, unfortunately, probably means running for dear life again.)

    1. Rusty Shackelford*

      In that case, don’t you think the LW would have said “I can’t work with Sylvia, I’m in fear” instead of “Uh, I ghosted her but I really want to keep this job?”

      1. Morning Glory*

        Yeah agreed – the OP took great pains to write this letter in a way that minimized his bad behavior and framed Sylvia’s reaction as unreasonable. I think that if any kind of abuse were at play, it would have been front and center in the letter.

        1. Elizabeth H.*

          I didn’t get this impression at all! Also, even in the situation as given where he basically moved out secretly in the middle of a three-year live-in relationship, there is still a ton of room for obsessive behavior on Sylvia’s part, they’re not mutually exclusive. Like his behavior wouldn’t give her the right to boil his rabbit or something, in the proverbial example

          1. Rusty Shackelford*

            But why would he leave out such an important factor – something that would most likely change Alison’s answer? (Because my new boss abused me is very different from I did something awful to my new boss.)

          2. Morning Glory*

            From your other comments, I think we see this in a fundamentally different way and will have to agree to disagree.

            However, to explain my position, as others have pointed out, the term ‘ghosting’ normally refers to casual dating situations and not a 3 year live-in relationship. He also did not volunteer that it was a 3 year relationship until Alison specifically asked. That is minimizing language, and neglecting to mention the key piece of information that makes what he did so terrible. He also acknowledges it was wrong, but does not indicate any feelings of guilt.

            He further described Sylvia’s behavior as obsessive and emotional, but then the concrete things that he listed… seemed like a pretty appropriate reaction to what he had done. Contacted his friends and family, ‘made a scene,’ got in touch with him. Sure, we do not know exactly what made a scene means. But, I am pretty sure it does not mean boiling a rabbit. Given the rest of the letter, and his overall attitude, I would wager the OP would see yelling and crying as a ‘scene’ rather than the direct, logical result of his actions.

            1. Tuxedo Cat*

              It would be bizarre if she wasn’t emotional, IMO. She went to visit her family over the holidays and came back to her boyfriend of 3 years being gone with no note stating anything.

        2. Zip Zap*

          I think it’s hard to say, not knowing what OP’s first language and cultural background is. I wasn’t reading much into the tone, assuming this person might come from any part of the world and might have learned English later in life.

          1. KR*

            Yeah. I think a lot of people are picking on his tone when really that’s not what he asked for advice on. And really, he didn’t do it to any of us. He did it to Sylvia. She’s the one who should be telling him all this, not us.

    2. Zip Zap*

      Yeah, that occurred to me too. OP might have had good reasons to disappear. The ex might have applied for the job knowing she’d be managing OP. She could be a controlling, obsessive person who’s been googling OP the whole time and hoping to set up a situation like this. It’s hard to tell just based on a letter.

      1. Snark*

        Actually, it’s really easy. The details in the letter we got make it pretty clear that OP runs away from emotional messiness and wants a mulligan now that his history of emotional abuse is catching up.

        I don’t know whether you’re trying too hard to be woke here or what, but you’re way off base.

        1. Myrin*

          Actually, it’s really easy.

          Exactly. The letter talks about the relationship and subsequent “breakup” in quite a bit of detail – I’d assume that if Sylvia had been abusive, it would have been the front-and-centre part of the letter (especially since that would likely have been the reason for OP’s vanishing) or even just mentioned at all, which is not the case.

          But that aside, there’s no reason for OP not to mention it if abuse had been a factor here – if anything, it would have made Alison and the commenters much more sympathetic to her situation. (In fact, it would’ve changed the whole setup – the letter would be about “I fled from my abusive girlfriend over a decade ago and realised she’s about to be my boss. I’m stuck here for at least one school year, what on earth can I do?”.)

          1. Zip Zap*

            Yeah, but what people call abuse varies. So does how they talk about it.

            I’m just being fair and withholding judgment. We don’t know these people.

            1. KHB*

              OP took pains to write a letter that cast himself in the best possible light. (For example, he withheld the length of the relationship until Alison asked him about it.) And yet, he doesn’t mention a single thing that Sylvia did wrong before he abandoned her. Even in his best-case version of events, Sylvia is blameless.

            2. JP*

              Except you’re not being fair and withholding judgment by claiming Sylvia might be abusive. You’re ignoring all the manipulations, minimising and gaslighting the letter writer displays here in order to give him the benefit of the doubt, but you have no problem suggesting Sylvia might be an obsessive abuser, based on – nothing.

      2. JP*

        Except he literally told us why he left. Because she wanted a commitment and he wanted to break up without any drama. It’s amazing how even when a man spells out his own motivations, someone will still pretend the woman must somehow have been to blame for his bad behaviour. Your attitude isn’t that of someone who’s “non-judgmental”, but it’s very much the attitude of someone who thinks selfish hurtful behaviour should be blamed on the person who’s at the receiving end of it while the perpetrator should be excused.

      3. Lily in NYC*

        C’mon now. This is a ridiculous stretch and there’s no need to come up with wild assumptions that OP would have included in his/her letter if they were true.

    3. Snark*

      I really don’t understand how you see fear and abuse in a guy who abandoned his partner of three years without a word or a forwarding address. The abused one is her, Feo, and I don’t understand how you can read Captain Awkward and not see that.

      1. Tuxedo Cat*

        The behaviors would be reminiscent of how abuse survivors escape, except the reason he gives is that “Sylvia wanted to settle down but I was not ready to commit so young. We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do and, well, I ghosted her.” He’s more concerned about the situation being embarrassing and having possible professional repercussions, not fearing that he’s going to be in contact with his abuser.

    4. Liz T*

      I read a lot of Captain Awkward, but I don’t see anything like that in this letter.

      One of the many things we learn from Captain Awkward is how self-involved people can be, and how easily people can wave away their own cruelty.

    5. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Considering that the LW acknowledged the commenters were like to “have a go” for bad behavior and didn’t mention anything about leaving in fear, I think you’re way overreaching.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I’m not getting any of that subtext from this letter. Abuse would be a really good reason for leaving abruptly without a word, and I would expect an anonymous OP who left for such a good reason to say so. “I’m not committed” is not a good reason.

      1. aebhel*

        Right. OP said why they left the relationship the way they did, and it wasn’t because they were afraid of their ex. Abuse would be a good reason (the only good reason) to do this, but I’m not seeing any indication that was the case.

      2. So Very Anonymous*

        Right. Literal text from the letter: “We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do and, well, I ghosted her. Over the Christmas break, while she was visiting her family, I simply moved out and left the country. I took advantage of the fact that I accepted a job in other country and did not tell her about it. I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama.”

        This is not the explanation of someone who was being abused. And again, if OP is so eager to avoid a pile-on, claiming abuse is about the only way to do that, because it’s just about the only actually good reason for leaving this way. “Just not wanting drama”… isn’t.

        1. Mina*

          This. Mention of toxic dynamics or previous attempts of trying to talk to Sylvia failing because of her not wanting to listen would have definitely changed how I felt. The way OP writes about it, it’s like he sees her as…inconvenient, which is horrifying considering the length of the relationship and how entangled they were.

    7. Sylvan*

      That was my initial concern when I started reading, but OP hasn’t mentioned or alluded to that. I’m not sure it’s relevant. If I’m wrong and OP left out of this kind of desperation, OP, I apologize for my comments!

    8. Turtle Candle*

      Except he actually spelled out his concerns, and they were that he dumped her because she wanted to settle down faster than he did. Nowhere does he express fear or anxiety.

      Believing the LW cuts both ways. He told us quite clearly what concerned him.

  74. Rusty Shackelford*

    One wonders if Sylvia will chose to avoid the “drama” of firing the LW by simply hiring another teacher and stopping the LW’s paychecks… it would certainly let her avoid the nasty entanglement of a firing.

  75. Zip Zap*

    Ok, I’m going to err on the side of forgiving OP. We all make mistakes, especially when we’re young. I think that today we take for granted that there’s tons of relationship advice available on the internet. Ten years ago, it wasn’t like that. People still learned from their friends, families, movies, etc, mostly, or tried to figure it out for themselves.

    Now that OP is older, they knew they did something wrong.

    OP, if you feel like answering, how was the relationship? We’re there problems? If so, what kind? How did you feel when it ended?

    I think we need to know more before passing judgment.

    Anyway, the ideal way to handle this would be to call her and ask if she’d like to talk face to face or if she’d prefer not to see you again. If the latter, is there anything else you can do to support yourself? Think outside your field. Think about remote work. Anything to pay the bills.

    If she’s receptive to it, you really owe her an apology. That should be the first thing you do. Apologize, take responsibility for your actions, and ask if she would like to be given space and/or if there’s anything you can do to sort of make up for it. Not that you can literally make up for it (acknowledge that), but maybe there’s something you could do for her as an extension of your apology. Think about ways you could help her out that don’t involve much contact.

    There could be a silver lining to this. Some people appreciate closure in this kind of situation. A heartfelt conversation and an apology. Ideally, that wouldn’t come in the form of working together. That’s not ideal at all. But maybe some good could come of having an excuse to talk.

    I’m really curious about the ghosting, though. To give OP the benefit of the doubt, this could have been a really unhealthy relationship and there could have been good reasons to just disappear. If that’s the case, I think finding work elsewhere and avoiding the whole thing would be the best bet.

    Good luck!

    1. Madame X*

      If the LW was in an abusive relationship with Sylvia and feared that she would threaten him if he tried to leave her, then his ghosting would be a reasonable explanation for his behavior. For people who are in abusive relationships, leaving without the abusive partner’s knowledge is the safest way to escape.
      However, I doubt that is the context in which we are dealing here. The LW himself said that he was “ready to commit” a fairly vague statement but not one that immediately leads me to conclude that he was in a highly dysfunctional or abusive relationship. It’s more likely that he realized he no longer wanted to be with Sylvia and his reasons were likely valid reasons. I even support the idea that he did not necessarily have to lay out exactly why he wanted to end the relationship to Sylvia. He could have simply stated that he no longer wanted to be with her (by phone, email or handwritten letter–something!) but the way he chose to end it was incredibly insensitive.
      That said I don’t think it is helpful to the letter writer now to try and justify what happen 10 years ago.
      He should apologize for his behavior, be as professional with her as he can when she takes up her position and also be prepared to leave if working together becomes impossible.

    2. Gaia*

      No, I don’t think the OP does know they did something wrong. They say Sylvia was obsessed and emotional which indicates they think that is not a normal reaction to being ghosted after three years.

      1. Elizabeth H.*

        Like I said above, they’re not mutually exclusive. I’m also assuming that it was readily apparent to her that she was being broken up with, even if he didn’t officially do it, like, the logical Occam’s Razor thing is that she called and said where the hell are you, he said I moved, I took a new job, I don’t want to be with you anymore. This is a really shitty experience but it’s still being broken up with and there is a way you can respond to that without being obsessive.

        1. Gaia*

          I don’t think anything in the OP’s letter indicates she called and the OP answered. At all.

          1. teclatrans*

            Yeah, and ghosting involves not answering or returning calls. OP doesn’t simply say that he moved out while she was away, he says he ghosted, then holds up her strong reaction (to family and friends, not him because he was busy being a ghost) as the evidence that his actions were reasonable.

        2. Jessie the First (or second)*

          OP says he ghosted. When ghosting happens, there is no conversation. If you have a conversation, you are not ghosting – if you have a conversation, you are simply breaking up.

          Occam’s Razor would be relevant if he offered no details -then of course, you’d assume a conversation. You can’t use the Occam’s Razor approach when you in fact *know* the contrary details here.

        4. Observer*

          From what the OP writes, she was NOT able to call him, hence needing to “track him down”.

          1. Elizabeth H.*

            I think maybe we just do have a different view of ghosting and what it entails. My impression from the letter was that he used ‘ghosting’ as an obvious shorthand for explaining that he just moved out and didn’t respond to her calls or attempts to talk about the breakup. We all understood what he meant. To me, it seemed very much that he was using it literally rather than using it as minimizing language. Maybe I just have a different interpretation of or different emotional reaction to the word.

            She obviously got the message at some point either via his family or some other way, because she wouldn’t have done the making a scene, becoming obsessive etc. if she were assuming that he was dead or kidnapped instead of just having left her. I feel like this is a clear message even if it is not verbal communication.

            1. Observer*

              According to the OP, he left with absolutely no warning – keeping any and all information about his intentions secret.

              He did not give her any information about his whereabouts. Thus, her only recourse to find out what happened was “tracking him down”, including contacting his family.

              What is your basis for claiming that she actually became obsessive? The only “obsessive” thing that the OP mentions as obsessive is the fact that Sylvia actually tracked him down and made a scene. That’s hardly “obsessive”.

              There is absolutely NOTHING in the facts that the OP presents to indicate that she had – or COULD have had any idea of what he had done until AFTER she tracked him down. The idea that she would have had no reason to be deeply worried (at the VERY least) and shocked silly, or that tracking him down is “obsessive”, “overly emotional” or “refusing to let go” is absurd.

              1. Elizabeth H.*

                What is YOUR basis for claiming that she didn’t actually became obsessive? My claim is based on what was stated in the letter!

                1. Observer*

                  Actually, you claim CANNOT be based on what was stated in the letter, because there is not a single thing in the letter that supports the notion that she became obsessive.

                  The assumption that the OP left out mitigating factors flies in the face of his stated attitude. Moreover, the assumptions about her behavior fly in the face of WHAT HE SAYS about what both he and she did.

                  You are reaching VERY VERY hard to make him out to be the victim here, and as far as anyone can see it’s coming out of thin air.

                  I’m actually the one taking him at his word, although I disagree that what he described as “obsessive” qualifies. YOU are the one who is creating a totally new narrative.

              2. Elizabeth H.*

                >>The idea that she would have had no reason to be deeply worried (at the VERY least) and shocked silly, or that tracking him down is “obsessive”, “overly emotional” or “refusing to let go” is absurd.

                You and a lot of people are assuming that the actions that LW described in his letter are the full extent of Sylvia’s behavior.
                1) There is a reasonable and an unreasonable way to contact someone’s family, even when you are justifiably distraught and rightfully furious at someone
                2) There are reasonable and unreasonable ways to track someone down; some are reasonable, some rise to the level of stalking
                I am assuming he left out a bunch of other stuff, like that she called or texted him 50 times a day for weeks and filled up his voice mail with ranting, maybe she flew to where he lived, etc. A certain amount of this is totally justifiable imo but at some point you should accept that the relationship is over and move on. Because he described that she became obsessive and listed a few things she did that don’t necessarily rise to the level of obsession, I am taking him at his word and assuming that he left out details that would clarify what he meant by this, details which we don’t need to have as they are personal. I actually think it would probably be disrespectful to Sylvia to share such details, so it probably represents a good thing (morally speaking) that he didn’t share a ton of details. In short, I feel like I’m interpreting and responding to the letter based on what it actually said while others are wildly extrapolating.

              3. Mina*

                Also, so what if Sylvia was emotional and obsessive in the short term after OP’s disappearing act? It’s understandable that someone would react that way after their partner of three years vanished without a word. I’m not cool with OP couching it like she was reacting disproportionately to his actions.

      2. Zip Zap*

        I agree. I just re-read the letter. I really wanted to give OP the benefit of the doubt, but they do come across as cold and oblivious to the consequences of their actions.

        I have only one thing to say now:

        Well that’s a dilly of a pickle.

    3. Bess*

      I was born before the internet was a big thing and I didn’t need google to tell me you don’t disappear on someone after three years.

      OP gave us the reason he ended the relationship–she wanted to commit, he didn’t.

  76. Emily*

    I think I would quit immediately rather than chance a situation where she becomes your boss, and then you have to leave when it doesn’t work out, or if you are fired. Then you never have to have her as a former manager who you definitely don’t want to be called for a reference! I mean, not only did you treat her like crap, you already know that you can’t get along with her.

    Look for a new job ASAP. Anything is better than this. Since you are a teacher, is there a good market for tutors where you are? Maybe you can be self employed for a while if finding a new job is really not possible.

    1. nonymous*

      I feel like quitting would be “ghosting” 2.0. As an international/ex-pat teacher there are likely issues of work visas, etc at play. As a small token of apology and demonstration of growth in the intervening decade, OP should do whatever makes life easier for the new boss/ex. Presumably she dealt with significant logistics fallout when OP abandoned her last time, she should not have to deal with it again unless by choice.

      It may be that she wants him gone at the beginning of the school year. Due to logistics/culture it may work better for her if he leaves at term break. OP needs to communicate a willingness to do whatever it takes to make this process easier for her, regardless of the negative consequences to OP. Anything less is shirking responsibility.

  77. Security SemiPro*

    Well that’s a kicker. This is going to be a very rough time in your life, LW.

    For the job:
    Send the note. Focus on her professional needs here. She needs to know that you’re on her staff. She needs to know that you’re not going to do anything to make this more awkward or damaging for her as she starts a new job. If you are sorry and have grown to a point where you would make a different choice, you can tell her that. Ask her how she would like you to handle the situation and then do that.

    Which probably means leaving your job. Sorry. Large bad choices can have large bad consequences.

    It may mean that you stay the rest of the year – if she can’t replace you at short notice – and then finding another position else where. I don’t know if there is anyone else that you can report to in the meantime to try to give some space in the org chart, but if so, you should ask to do that.

    For the social side:
    Your tiny tight knit community is going to see some rough times and drama here. It is also going to be her tiny tight knit community. I’d urge you to attempt to be as gracious and apologetic as possible here.

  78. Madame X*

    This reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie was dumped by a boyfriend leaving her a post-it note. I remember thinking “wow! that has to be the worst way to break up with someone.”
    Well, after reading this letter I stand corrected.

    1. Liz T*

      I was thinking about that! And that wasn’t even a particularly committed relationship. AND HE LEFT A NOTE.

    2. Lily in NYC*

      I never watched the show but recently read that every break up scene on it was something that really happened to people who worked on the set.

    3. Laura*

      I was going to post that too – Burger left the note on the fridge, and yeah, at least he told her!

    4. Gadget Hackwrench*

      No one will EVER leave their live-in partner in a worse way than this one guy I tangentially knew. He waited for her to go visit her mum for the weekend and then set fire to the house where they rented a room, rendering her, him, and the disabled homeowner who lived in the rest of the house and rented rooms as her sole form of income, homeless. I have no idea what happened to the couple, but the former homeowner I had to move back in with relatives and still hasn’t got back on their feet from loosing everything in one foul go. (The bank took all the insurance money for the mortgage.)

  79. dg*

    You should probably just move to another country without telling your job. It’s worked well for you thus far.

  80. Kelli*

    Sylvia shouldn’t have to deal with this person…but I frankly wouldn’t want to work with his either. If a co-worker told me a similar story I would never look at them the same again.

    OP should try and find another job without telling anyone the story. I can’t imagine Sylvia wants all of her new employees to know this about her.

  81. drewby*

    Okay, I ghosted someone after two months of dating back in 2009 and I still feel bad about it…but three years?! That period of time puts you in deep with the other person. God knows what sort of psychological damage that caused on Sylvia. I honestly don’t see how this will ever be salvaged. Best outcome is probably going to be from contacting her ahead of time, OP explaining himself, and hope for the best because hope is all he has left.

  82. Gaia*

    I had a friend do this to me after nearly 10 years of friendship (and a mutual cross country move). It was five years ago and I still feel the pain, confusion, insecurity and rejection. Sure, I am not “obsessed” but I probably seemed like it at first. I contacted her family, her other friends, I tried to call her work. I was scared something horrible had happened to my best friend. I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive her for putting me through that, even though I now know why she did it. I don’t think Sylvia will likely forgive the OP, either. I’m not sure I could work with my former friend.

    Note for those who are curious: I finally got an explanation a little less than a year ago from a family member of hers. She had gone through a nasty divorce (which I supported her through) and had begun dating a new guy (which we were both very excited about – he seemed nice!) and she wanted a “clean break” from her old life. Which meant me. Because I had been closest to her during the worst times, it seems she associated me with those times and needed to step away.

    1. JaneB*

      I’m still hurt and upset about my then best friend ‘ghosting’ me one summer in high school when she got a boyfriend, and I was able quite easily to speak to her mother and know she was alive (and busy with a boy, her mother was NOT impressed with my “friend’s” behaviour). It must be SO much worse to not know what happened to someone at all!

      1. Gaia*

        It was horrible. I literally called hospitals. It happened on Thanksgiving. She was supposed to come over and just…decided not to talk to me ever again. I had a whole meal prepared. I still do not make Thanksgiving dinner anymore. I tried a few years ago and it was just a mess.

        1. AMPG*

          That sounds awful. While I’m glad you at least got an explanation, the way she handled that was horrible and cruel.

  83. Health Insurance Nerd*

    I’m glad I have my office door closed, because I audibly said “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” when I read the “together for three years, living together for two”.

    If there was ever proof that karma is real, this is it.

  84. oviraptor*

    My apologies if someone has posted something similar. I was trying to read the comments to check, but couldn’t keep up with the rate of new comments being added!

    It seems as if most commenters are of the impression that Sylvia doesn’t know OP will be working at her new job. But, I can’t help but think that there is a good possibility she already knows. In doing her research about the employer, I would think she would look on the school website to see what the school is like. (Sorry, I am having difficulty explaining this.). Now, I was just assuming there would be teacher profiles and a photo and so on. As I don’t have children, I had no idea if my assumption was correct. So, I checked the websites of a few of the schools in my city and they all had teacher profiles with a photo (and most teachers photos were of them, their spouse and the dog(! Yay!) while some also included their children.

    Of course, not all schools may do this, so there is still the possibility she doesn’t know. But I just wanted to mention that there is a chance she does.

    Sorry I don’t have any advice to offer. I just only wanted to bring this up as another alternative to consider.

    1. Edina Monsoon*

      I was thinking this, it’s possible that she knows he works there and followed him, the way he said he broke up with her made me think that she would be the type to ‘not accept’ the break up or stalk him, after all it’s not normal to just move out of the country instead of breaking up with someone properly unless you’re really worried about their reaction.

      I know someone who broke up with her boyfriend by moving country and not telling him in the way the op described and it was because he was abusive and I certainly didn’t think any less of her for having done it.

      1. Stardust*

        There is literally nothing in the letter indicating that Sylvia was abusive. This would be a substantial part of not only OP’s past but also the letter at hand so I’d doubt they’d leave it out if that were actually the case.

        1. Solidad*

          I’ve worked with a lot of abuse victims. The “markers” in this letter indicate he is the potential abusive partner. There’s nothing in this at all that suggests she was. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

          People are REALLY reaching.

      2. CMDRBNA*

        I’m pretty sure that the OP would have mentioned it if Sylvia was abusive, which I think we can all agree is a whole other ballgame. I am 100% in favor of protecting yourself from an abusive partner, even if it means vanishing while they’re at work or whatever, but I really don’t think that’s the case here. And I think that saying Sylvia might have taken this job just because the OP works there is a HUGE leap. We have no idea if their school has photo profiles online, we have no idea if she looked at them, we don’t even know if this school is in the same country that the OP and Sylvia lived in.

        Yes, it’s truly a bizarre coincidence, but then again, the OP is in a country where there aren’t that many international schools, and if he and Sylvia were both educators and living abroad, I guess it’s not that unusual that their paths are crossing again.

        Clearly we’re going to need an update from the OP!

        1. Tuxedo Cat*

          I could see her honestly not knowing that he works for the school. He might not have been an educator at the time. He might have a common name and not be particularly distinct looking.

      3. JP*

        Except he literally told us why he left. Why are you so keen to overlook the facts so you can blame her for his abusive behaviour?

    2. None of that nonsense, please.*

      Possible, but not guaranteed–my son’s college(UK) doesn’t even have the names of the instructors on their website, much less pictures. A bit frustrating when trying to remember who taught his CAD class, since my son can’t remember names to save his life.

  86. Anon today...and tomorrow*

    What an awful situation for Sylvia then and now. OP, it takes guts to admit that you did a truly awful thing. I wish I thought you were sorry for actually doing that truly awful thing instead of just being sorry that you now have to deal with the fallout of that truly awful thing. These are the things that jumped out at me:

    “Over the Christmas break, while she was visiting her family, I simply moved out and left the country. I took advantage of the fact that I accepted a job in other country and did not tell her about it. I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama. Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.”
    You blame her for being emotional and obsessed with tracking you down? Um…that’s called normal. She probably wanted to know that you were okay and what possessed you to just up and move out of the home you shared without so much as a “well, take care!”

    “Sylvia is a sort of forgotten history. Sadly, till now. ”
    You forgot about this woman and are sad that you now have to deal with the crap you put her through?

    “I have no idea what to do and how to deal with this mess. It is clear this will be not only embarassing but I will also be reporting to my ex. I am not in a position to find another job at present. There are no other international schools so finding another job in this country is not an option. Even finding a job elsewhere is not possible on such a short notice. These jobs usually open for school terms so I have to stay put for few months. But more importantly, I am happy and settled here so do not want to move. To make the situation worse, the expat community here is very small and tightly knit so teachers also socialize a lot.”
    You’re worried about being embarrassed, having the other teachers discuss the situation when it gets out, and finding a new job is hard. No concern at all for Sylvia and what she might have gone through. What you should have said: “I’m really concerned that this will be hard for Sylvia and I both. I cannot imagine what kind of damage my ghosting on her did, but I am seeing me after so many years will be upsetting for her. How can I let her know that I was stupid and that I want to make this as easy as possible for her?”

    “Do you have any suggestions for me how to handle it and what should I do? I understand that this would not have happened if I did not ghost her back then, but I cannot do anything about it now. I gathered from the comments that readers usually have a go on people like me for “bad behavior” but I am really looking for constructive comments how to deal with the situation.”
    This is translated to: I just want someone to give me an answer that helps me keep my job without having to fully take ownership of my bad behavior. Can’t do it. There’s no answer that is going to do that. It’s really likely you’re going to have to leave your job. Who knows? Maybe Sylvia has become wonderfully understanding and forgiving over the last decade and will be delighted to see you. Or maybe she will see you and at once decide to make your life miserable until you quit. Either way involves you having to see Sylvia and apologize for the crappy thing you did to her. It’s up to Sylvia now on how this plays out.

  87. Granny K*

    I think it’s interesting that the OP, by trying to avoid ‘breakup drama’ has created major drama for himself. Maybe 10 years ago he was younger and less mature, but truly would a few tears have been all that bad? OP needs to take a good look at himself and apparent lack of empathy for Sylvia’s situation, both then and now. (Although I think in the long run, Sylvia is better off.)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It’s way more drama than he ever would have had if he just said, “I can’t do this with you any more.” Ironic.

  88. CognitiveGradStudent*

    If she is kind enough to not immediately dismiss you then leaving her in the first place was probably a mistake

    1. FDCA in Canada*

      ….why would that be your assumption? And even if in a farfetched scenario that was the case, at this point nothing can be done about it.

      1. Trout 'Waver*

        But we have the story around here of the spurned wife taking a job where her ex-husband’s mistress worked solely to make her life hell. It’s happened at least once in the letters to this site.

        1. Delphine*

          And we’re supposed to assume that this woman lay in wait for 10+ years until she could get the perfect job position and take the OP down?

          1. Trout 'Waver*

            Well, given the other story, the idea did cross my mind. I ruled it as quite unlikely. But I did have that thought.

          2. Liz T*

            Well the OP said Sylvia had EMOTIONS so she’s obviously a crazy vengeful bunny boiler. That’s how women work, right? I mean look at the facts: we’ve had one example of a woman seeking vengeance in her worklife, but no examples of women being mistreated or gaslit, so the only responsible assumption is that Sylvia is an international mastermind who’s been training for a decade in anticipation of this moment.

            (Don’t get me wrong–I’d watch that movie. But I’d still be on Sylvia’s side.)

            1. Anna Held*

              Heh heh heh.

              And I had….questions about that letter writer. Several things seemed off to me. I know we’re supposed to take the LW at their word, but all I could think was “back away sloooowly…”

                1. sunny-dee*

                  I think the meant the chick who had a fling and a baby with another woman’s husband, and the woman took over her department after a merger. There were a lot of leaps of logic in that woman’s story.

  90. Chud Turkelson*

    It’s not overemotional or obsessive to try to track someone down, or “make a scene,” when you’ve been living with them for 2 years and they suddenly vanish one day. That’s different from “ghosting” someone you’ve been dating casually for a few weeks.

  91. Shirley Keeldar*

    Triple oooffff–you’re a teacher.

    I mean, that’s a job that requires a fair amount of emotional maturity and stability. You’re dealing with young humans who haven’t developed their own emotional maturity yet, so you have to have it for them.

    If I were Sylvia, I’d be seriously skeptical about how you’d handle a tough class or a kid going through a difficult time. Would you just up and leave in the middle of the semester, leaving your students stranded? Could you keep your cool with a kid who’s lashing out and respond with empathy? I’m not saying you’re a rotten teacher because of something you did a decade ago, really I’m not. But I am saying that in this field, it’s reasonable for a director to consider your emotional skills, and your history with your new director reflects really poorly on that.

    You seem to be saying that leaving this job would mean leaning the country, but it may come to that. At the very least, you need to find a way to show Sylvia that you’ve grown a lot, emotionally, since your time with her. Owning up to your behavior is a good start, but probably not enough. Can you prove to her that your current response to emotionally stressful situations isn’t to back away, shut down, and run?

    1. tigerlily*

      He’s a teacher now, ten years later. I was absolutely not emotionally mature enough to work with kids in a teaching capacity ten years ago, but now I’m doing just fine at my preschool.

      1. Observer*

        True. But if someone only knew you at your worst 10 years ago, it would be reasonable for them to want some evidence that you’ve grown up some. Given what the OP did, that holds several times over.

    2. CodingFool*

      No. This is about character.

      The issue is not that he backed away, shut down and ran. The issue is that he doesn’t care how he makes people feel, and nothing he’s written shows any evidence of change.

      When impressionable children with incomplete emotional development and limited defense mechanisms are involved, this is a SERIOUS shortcoming. I would not want my six year anywhere near LW.

  92. eplawyer*

    I have a completely different perspective here. The LW says he did not want to commit to the relationship. If we take LW’s at their word as we are supposed to, this was communicated to Sylvia. So Sylvia could hardly be totally surprised she came home one day and he was gone. He made it clear he was not in it for the long term. If she looked at it realistically, she would have seen it coming. Ghosting is still wrong, but it happens.

    It is now 10 years later. There is a strong chance that Sylvia has moved on with her life. She just wants to be a school director. LW can make it easier by contacting her and seeing how she wants to proceed. There is a chance Sylvia will say “let’s both be professionals and just do our jobs.” Of course, he should not try to impose his solution on the situation, instead he should be guided by how she, his boss, wants to handle it.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Living together for 2 years is at the very least an implied, if not outright, commitment.

      1. The Voice of Reason*

        OP: this is a long thread, and in most ways, I think what’s needed to be said has been said. I tend to like Employment Lawyer’s advice above about keeping any communications completely professional, avoiding apologies, and so on. I also think the posters above who suggest notifying the board of governors/trustees about this situation are offering reasonable advice. I do want to add one point that I haven’t seen mentioned, however.

        This is a blog about management and organizational behavior, not relationship advice. As such, you need to decide what to do based on (1) what lies in the interests of your organization, and (2) your own interests. Ignore the peanut gallery suggestions that you must resign to atone for your treatment of Sylvia. You alone are going to look out after your interests.

        1. CM*

          Except that interpersonal relationships are part of management and organizational behavior.
          You can’t have an effectively managed and well-running organization if everyone hates each other.
          In this case, what would be in the best interests of the organization is to avoid having the new director come in and instantly have to deal with drama and trauma caused by the actions of an employee.

          I’m a lawyer and Employment Lawyer’s advice gives lawyers a bad name. Doing the right thing matters. People’s feelings matter. And even if you don’t care about any of that, if you want to avoid messy disputes and organizational dysfunction, you should still encourage people to do the right thing and to be considerate of each other’s feelings.

          1. Mina*

            This. Working in an environment where character matters and working in one that doesn’t is like night and day. I’ve seen one or two employees alienate an entire office with their crappy behavior when management/HR wouldn’t do a thing.

    3. 2 Cents*

      “Not being in it for the long term” and leaving a shared apartment and (in the OP’s words) 3-year relationship without so much as a Post-It note for explanation (even, “Hey, it wasn’t working out. I’ve moved out. No need to check the morgue or with the police.”) are two different things.

    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      Even if they were completely platonic roommates, packing up and leaving while someone’s on vacation is a crappy thing to do.

    5. Amber Rose*

      LW said straight out that they didn’t tell her. “We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do…”

      There’s no overlap between “we talked it over like adults and parted ways” and “I didn’t know what to do so I vanished and she panicked trying to figure out what happened and if I was dead or what.” They are mutually exclusive statements.

    6. Madame X*

      There is a huge difference between being unwilling to commit and disappearing without a trace.
      Also, we don’t know that he ever told her that he was not ready to commit. Considering how he chose to leave, t’s likely he didn’t tell her about his doubts about their relationship.

    7. Murphy*

      So Sylvia could hardly be totally surprised she came home one day and he was gone.

      I think unless OP said “I am considering moving out of the country without telling you one day” Sylvia was in fact totally surprised.

    8. animaniactoo*

      Actually, I see nowhere in the LW’s words that they communicated their lack of willingness to make a longer term commitment and that Sylvia was clear about it.

      Taking the LW at their word in this instance, for me, means that I am actually assuming it is likely they are/were so conflict avoidant that Sylvia was clear about wanting commitment and LW made non-committal responses or responses that seemed like agreement but were ambiguous at best.

    9. Snark*

      “I don’t want to commit,” means “I am not willing to get married right now but want to continue dating you,” not “You may expect me to literally leave the country rather than have a difficult 20-minute conversation with you.”

      1. K.*

        Yeah, at BEST she might have thought a breakup was coming (and even that is doubtful). Who just walks around thinking their live-in partner might just up and move out one day with no notice, so they should be prepared to move on emotionally? Just … what?

    10. nonymous*

      The OP said they moved onto a new job in a different country without notice while live-in partner was visiting family. The perspective that you are taking would be reasonable if OP said “I told her I was taking NewJob in NewCountry starting the January term” or “I refused to sign an extended lease and gave date XYZ as my move-out” or “I told her I’m not ready for commitment and she sent out wedding invitations”.

      Seriously, my state requires a 20 day notice to terminate a month-to-month lease – why are you holding OP to a lower standard?

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Read it again. He did not tell her. He knew they weren’t going to work out, but he didn’t discuss it with her–he just vanished instead.

      We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do and, well, I ghosted her. Over the Christmas break, while she was visiting her family, I simply moved out and left the country. I took advantage of the fact that I accepted a job in other country and did not tell her about it. I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama.

      Your comment “Of course, he should not try to impose his solution on the situation, instead he should be guided by how she, his boss, wants to handle it” is correct. The ball is in her court.

    12. Tuxedo Cat*

      I’m all for people not going into marriage if they don’t want to. I think people should break up if they want to. The thing is that unless she was dangerous to him (and there’s no sign she was), he should’ve told her and worked out the logistics at the very least. People higher up on this post commented that he left her with the lease to the apartment. If he had any utilities in his name, she’d have to transfer them to hers… I don’t know how many of his belongings were shared, but she’d have to replace them and plan for that. Just the sheer pragmatic aspect of the situation paints him a really poor light.

      My partner has roommates he’s going to be leaving when we move in together. He isn’t even friends with them, and they’ve already begun having conversations about when he’s leaving and what he’s taking with him.

    13. aebhel*

      Why are we assuming that this was communicated to Sylvia? LW very explicitly says that he didn’t communicate his plans to Sylvia. There’s no indication that he made his feelings on the subject clear, and quite a lot of evidence that he didn’t.

  93. Guest*

    You should expect more fallout, once word gets out to your small, tight knit group of ex-pat teachers.

    2. Sarah*

      Honestly, if OP doesn’t get ahead of this it’s the kind of story that will spread to other schools across the globe pretty quickly once it gets out. The community is tiny and stories like this spread like wildfire.

  94. Anony*

    There is a lot of piling on going on here. There is also a lot of projection going on here.

    My partner is a family law attorney and the one thing they have always said is that you never know what’s going on inside someone’s relationship. Making assumptions or projecting someone else’s story onto the OP is at best unkind.

    Also, if you switch the genders here, I bet the first thing that would pop into many people’s minds is that the partner was abusive.

    1. Rusty Shackelford*

      We are asked to presume the LW is telling the truth. That’s what people are reacting to. There is not even a hint of fear in the letter, or any reason to suspect abuse.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      First of all, it’s entirely possible the LW and Sylvia are both women.

      Second, if it was an abusive situation, presumably the letter would have read “I just discovered that the abusive ex I escaped from a decade ago is going to be my boss. What do I do?”

      1. Trout 'Waver*

        Be really careful there. Saying “If it really was abuse, the victim would act like XXXX” is incredibly stigmatizing. I’m not getting that vibe from the OP’s post either, but I wouldn’t leap to any assumptions one way or the other.

        1. KHB*

          It’s very fair to assume that if there’s abuse that’s relevant to the story, the person telling the story would mention it rather than let us all believe that they abandoned a partner who hadn’t done anything wrong.

          1. Trout 'Waver*

            We’re getting really off topic here, so I’m going to leave this here. But comments like that make it tougher for people who actually are abused to tell their story.

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I find it very difficult to believe the LW wouldn’t have included something that pertinent when they were asking for advice about dealing with this situation.

        3. Rusty Shackelford*

          Be really careful there. Saying “If it really was abuse, the victim would act like XXXX” is incredibly stigmatizing.

          No one’s watching Fergus in the cafeteria and saying “Well, if he were really being abused, he wouldn’t be all jokey and laughing.” What we’re doing is reading a letter that says “My problem is that I did X” and declining to presume that the LW’s problem is really Y instead.

        4. Solidad*

          As someone who has done a lot of work with abuse victims, there’s nothing in this letter to indicate that, but a lot of people are jumping to it.

          Me? I think he’s a selfish and has some sociopathic tendencies based on what’s in the letter.

          But what do I know, I’ve only handled a lot of divorces and abuse cases.

    3. Snark*

      “Making assumptions or projecting someone else’s story onto the OP is at best unkind.”

      We’re just going by his words. Go on, read them again. Tell me we’re wrong.

    4. Gaia*

      I can tell you that 1. I don’t know the gender of the OP and 2. If the OP was female and Sylvia was Sylvio I would still not think the OP was being abused if they wrote about the situation in this manner. The OP said they left because they didn’t want to commit. No other reason.

      2. nonymous*

        Not just that they left b/c they didn’t want to commit. that they absconded without notice of any kind. Presumably OP was paying half of rent and owned some of the furniture. Even if furnished housing was included as a job perk, Sylvia would have been faced with a drastic change to her housing (would the school bring in another teacher to room?) with no heads up. As I mentioned elsewhere, it’s fairly standard [legally mandated convention] to expect 20 days notice for a housing change of this magnitude even amongst strangers.

      4. aebhel*

        Right. What we are doing is literally taking OP at their word. And what they said is, essentially, ‘I dumped my partner in a horribly cruel way because I didn’t want to commit.’ I think it is a serious overreach to assume that said partner must have been abusive. If OP updates with information to indicate that was the case, then I’ll change my tune. But I don’t think it’s projecting to take someone’s words at face value when they have no reason to lie.

    5. Amber Rose*

      The one making assumptions here is you, yes? The rest of us are going solely off what is written here. No mentions of abuse or fear, and a clear statement of “I didn’t wanna commit so I left.”

      It’s not that hard to figure out.

      1. Anony*

        All I’m saying is that a lot more happened in that relationship than was included in the letter.

            1. Snark*

              No, because when you start making up alternative details that OP didn’t provide, you’re writing advice column fanfic, not dealing with what we know, and Alison has asked us to take OPs at face value. Quit doubling down.

              1. Gyrfalcon*

                Ooh! Advice column fanfic sounds fun! Though not, of course, in the comment section of Alison’s blog.

            3. So Very Anonymous*

              Because this OP is explicitly stating that he knows there is likely to be a pile-on because of his bad behavior. An abused person looking to avoid a pile-on is likely to volunteer that they were abused, in order to provide context towards avoiding being jumped on.

              1. Anony*

                Unless they didn’t want to talk about that aspect of it. In which case, they might not mention it and try to focus people on no piling on.

              2. Mina*

                If Sylvia had been abusing him, I’d consider that critical info pertinent to the situation (so yes, context).

                Admittedly, the whole “but what if OP was abused?” is really bothering me because OP hasn’t said it, and as Allison mentions, the situation doesn’t read as abuse. If there were toxic/abusive patterns, it’s really on the OP to provide that information. Without it, this is a reach.

            4. Kate*

              Yes, letter writers have. Including this letter writer. He left out the detail that this was a three-year relationship. I.e., he left out information that made him look worse. Why do you think he would leave out information that would make him look like less of a piece of shit?

        2. Amber Rose*

          And some actions are inexcusable regardless of what happened.

          Short of abuse, there’s nothing that warrants this kind of treatment of someone you’ve been dating and living with for years. And you can’t just assume abuse.

        3. aebhel*

          Of course. But that’s no reason to invent scenarios for which there’s no evidence in the letter. ‘We don’t know the whole story’ doesn’t automatically translate into ‘She was probably abusing and stalking the OP’. There’s simply no evidence that was the case.

    6. Health Insurance Nerd*

      Nope. We’re supposed to take the letter at face value, and the LW clearly states that the reason for the “ghosting” was to avoid breakup drama. There’s nothing that indicates any kind of abuse.

    7. Roscoe*

      Thank you! I’m glad someone said it. Its amazing how people are ok piling on in some situations, like this. But in others, when people have actually done bad WORK things, since you know this is a WORK blog, then its like “lets stop piling on here”

      And there is a lot of projection. 90% of the comments here are doing nothing but calling him a jerk, saying he deserves it, and telling him to leave. Mostly not helpful

      1. Snark*

        Telling him to resign his position because there’s no way to make this professional relationship work is 100% in the wheelhouse, dude.

      3. Mike C.*

        Also, telling him that he needs to find a new job is perfectly acceptable advice. I’m not sure why you object, given that there are so many other situations where that’s the only answer.

    8. Delphine*

      Yes, you never know, so instead of assuming there was probably some abuse, we’re taking the OP at their word–they were in a long-term relationship, were too immature to end it like an adult, and ran away without informing their partner of their decision.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      It doesn’t really matter what gender the OP is, though Alison referred to OP as “him” upthread. Either way, what OP did was horrible, and he provided an explanation for it–he said in the letter that he knew he and Sylvia didn’t want the same things out of the relationship, and instead of talking to her about it, he chose to leave while she was out of town.

      So if we take LWs at their word, then this is what happened.

    11. MissDisplaced*

      This is an interesting point and the thought ran through my mind. We don’t even know if LW is male!

      But regardless of that, why should LW be the one forced out of their job? I agree what they did was super shitty, but still they were in the job at that school first. Why must THEY quit and be forced out for someone new?

      Whoever is hiring Sylvie needs to go back to her and tell her that X-Person has come forward and mentioned that they and Sylvie had a relationship 10 years ago and were surprised to find out she would be their new manager. Sylvie needs to know that ASAP BEFORE ACCEPTING THE JOB.
      She may not want the job under such circumstances.

      But jeez! If you had to quit your job because of Ex’s even if you move far far away… That’s just not right either.

      1. Daydream Believer*

        Yes , we do know OP is male. Allison said so further up. And as for why people are saying OP should leave his job rather than Sylvia not accept hers, it’s a combination of moral and pragmatic reasoning.

        Morally: The OP has harmed Sylvia enough by abandoning her without even letting her know he’s alive and leaving her to sort out the financial burdens of him leaving her in the lurch. If he wants to be a decent human being and make up for the pain her caused her, he should be the one to make the sacrifice now.

        Pragmatically: Sylvia will be his boss. If she is (understandably) pissed at him for what he did, there’s a a very low chance that things will be pleasant for him, even if she doesn’t fire him outright. It’d be better for him to quit now on his own terms; that way he won’t have to list her as a reference for future jobs.

    12. JP*

      Please provide an example of a woman slipping away from her partner because she didn’t want to deal with break up drama, and who openly shares this as being her motivation, where we’d all clutch our pearls and scream that she’s being abused? If you’re so confident, you should have no trouble providing an example of this scenario. Otherwise, stop doing that thing where you compare a guy’s actual behaviour to an imaginary woman’s hypothetical behaviour to cry about imaginary double standards.

    13. Laura*

      Does your partner also say to ignore what someone actually said they did? I strongly doubt it.

  95. EmKay*

    1. You were an incredible ass back then.
    2. You are not one bit sorry.
    3. You are only concerned now because you’re worried you will suffer negative consequences.

    One would hope you would have the good graces to find a new job and leave this woman alone.

    1. The Voice of Reason*

      OP is not stalking Sylvia (“leave this woman alone”). She applied for the job, and there’s zero moral obligation for OP to bow out of his job.

      2. Gadfly*

        Leaving aside morality (where most of us seem to disagree with your rather unique conception of it) from a purely pragmatic perspective, it is his best choice. She is holding pretty much all of the cards. She’s the more powerful, she’s almost certainly more valued, most people give her the moral high ground here. She is in a much better postion to destroy his current employment, his future employment and the goodwill of the community than he is to do anything about her. And if he wants to deny that reality and stick to “but I shouldn’t have to change things I like’ well, it comes down to life isn’t fair, and it wasn’t fair to Sylvia, and she’s under no obligations to be nice about this. She doesn’t have to do anything unprofessional to ruin his current life. She has to go out of her way not to.

        When you are in a position where you have to beg for favors, which OP is, you try to deal nicely with the person you need to have grant those favors.

  96. Fake Eleanor*

    I don’t know if there are any great solutions here — Alison’s advice is solid.
    But I think it’ll be tough for you to reach one of the better solutions if you continue to consider what you did to be just rude, when it was really very cruel.
    What’s past is past — you’re right about that — but how you discuss it is still very much in the present, and something you can control, and the way you think and talk about it with Sylvia will influence how things play out.

  97. President Porpoise*

    “Sylvia, it seems that you’ve just gotten a job a X school – congratulations! I know that reaching out now may be unwelcome, but it is necessary as I work at X school, and you will be my boss. Given our past history, it would be terrible for you to be blindsided by my employment there.

    I want to tell you that I know that what did a decade ago was unforgivably cruel and immature. I deeply regret it. An apology after all these years doesn’t count for much, but I’d rather give you one and acknowledge the extremely poor way I treated you than pretend like nothing happened. I completely understand if you choose not to accept the apology – my behavior was reprehensible.

    I not sure how we should proceed professionally. This is an uncomfortable situation for me, and likely for you as well. I want to be respectful of your feelings, but I also want to further the success of X school. Would you be comfortable meeting with me and discussing our path forward? If not, I do understand. Ideally, I’d like to work out a way for us to work together for at least the next (term, few months, year). However if that will not work for you, I’d like to figure out a way for me to transition out of the role after a reasonable time period for me to find a new position and you to find a replacement. Thank you, and best wishes.”

  98. Audiophile*

    OP fully admits that they took advantage of a job offer in another country, and that they did not tell Sylvia about the job or the impending move. This was no last minute plan, this was clearly in the works for some time. What a horrible thing to do to someone.

    I think most people have ghosted or been ghosted on. While I don’t like to do it, with online dating and I’ve learned sometimes it’s the best option. I’ve tried to be honest, but have had too many men flip out on me.

    However, I wouldn’t fathom ghosting on someone I lived with and had been dating for several years.

    Alison’s advice is spot on, OP needs to reach out to Sylvia and let her know about the work situation. Sylvia gets to decide what she’s willing to put up with in this situation.

  99. Sunshine on a cloudy day*

    I’ll admit upfront, I did not read through all of the comments here – from what I saw it seemed to be the pile-on that the OP was expecting (and these sorts of pile-ons make me so sad, but that’s a whole different issue). Of course what the OP did 10 years ago was terrible. I also hope (and do believe) that the OP IS remorseful, but was just “sticking to facts” in the course of this letter. OP stated that they understand what they did was truly wrong, and that’s enough for me.

    For actionable advice: What about offering to leave at the end of the term – if things are truly as untenable as they seem like they will be? I would definitely follow Alison’s advice of reaching out to ex prior to her start date to a.)forewarn her of your presence and b.)acknowledge the awfulness of your past actions (agree with Alison that this is not the time seek forgiveness, but I think acknowledging that you understand what you did was awful is a very important step). From there see how ex responds. Maybe you will be surprised. There are people out there who are very good at separating their personal lives/thoughts/feelings from their professional responsibilities (myself and the commentor, Roscoe seem to be some of them).

    If she simply can not work with you (to be clear, your behavior was pretty a major thing and I wouldn’t blame her for being unable to work with you – so long as she handles the situation as a whole professionally). I would be prepared to offer to leave as soon as the term is up. It may salvage the (professional) relationship enough to at least get through this term.

    I would also keep in mind that you may be forced to leave regardless – it sounds like your ex will have the power to fire you or at the very least make your working situation very bad (I’m stating this is a possible fact, not as a judgement on the ex were she to take this path). Start looking into options in case this is what comes to be.

    1. SarahKay*

      Actually, I can’t see anywhere that the OP states that they understand what they did was truly wrong. The closest I can see them get to it was “I know that ghosting is not a way to end the relationship but I cannot do much about it now”. OP may be trying to be factual, but is really not showing any signs of remorse.

      1. KR*

        The thing that always bugs me about these types of threads is that OP didn’t do this to US. They don’t have to grovel I their letter to us -they need to outline the facts so we can give them advicw. For all we know this is keeping OP up at night with regret and they chose not to write about that, or English isn’t their first language, or they aren’t very good at expressing their feelings. Sorry, this isn’t directed at you in particular it’s just something that’s grating on me.

        1. SarahKay*

          KR, that’s fair comment, but my response above was to someone who was saying “OP stated that they understand what they did was truly wrong” and…well, OP didn’t.
          I quite agree letter writers don’t need to grovel, but in that case I don’t think it’s entirely reasonable for commenters to say OP is showing regret when there is no sign of it.

          1. Mina*

            People have written in here showing regret and remorse without groveling and/or making novels of their letters. If OP was brief, it’d be one thing. It’s that he still doesn’t think much of Sylvia’s reaction after ten years to reflect that doesn’t make me think he regrets things or understand how awful his actions were.

    3. NaoNao*

      I think one of the reasons that “pile-on’s” happen was well articulated a few posts ago: So that the seemingly-clueless OP would see an overwhelming response of “wow, not cool. Okay, now that you know that, let’s move to solutions.”
      It’s harder for clueless (whether purposefully or otherwise) people to argue with tons and tons of voices saying one thing, than it is for him/her to say “Well, I mean, sure YOU feel that way! You were ghosted!” or whatever the case is.
      I don’t like pile on’s in that they make for slightly less dynamic reading (all the +1000, “this”, etc) but they serve a social purpose: to make someone who’s behavior is *hurtfully* outside the norm FEEL the group rejection and disapproval.

    4. Anna Held*

      I do think sometimes a pile on is good — it shows when an action is far, far beyond the pale, and gives the OP an idea of how his action/history/decision is likely to go over. Like a lead balloon, in this case. Since he’s in a very small, tight-knit community, the problem is exacerbated. Better to be forewarned and have some useful intel, like the fact that most people aren’t seeing real remorse. Maybe he did just leave that out of this particular letter, but it’s a clue that that needs to be front and center, not taken for granted. Most letters that lead to a pile on are about difficult, emotionally fraught situations, so being able to read the room before actually entering the room is a gift in itself.

  100. Important Moi*

    In reading the comments here, I suspect I’m in the minority. The assumption of Sylvia not being able to handle OP’s presence is offensive to me. I don’t think it is fair.

    I like Alison’s response. OP should show up for work and follow Sylvia’s lead. Maybe Sylvia can separate the personal from professional. Maybe Sylvia’s moved on romantically and the presumed importance of OP has greatly diminished. If not, then by all means, move on to the next job you can find. And if it hasn’t been mentioned already, don’t tell the workers at this school what happened between you and Sylvia.

    1. Rusty Shackelford*

      The assumption of Sylvia not being able to handle OP’s presence is offensive to me.

      I don’t think there’s an assumption that Sylvia can’t handle the OP, but an agreement that she should not be asked to do so, and that the decent thing for the OP to do is to at least admit that, and at best, prevent it from happening.

    2. Coalea*

      “Maybe Sylvia can separate the personal from professional.”

      I think the OP’s poor judgment in a personal situation could call his professional judgment into question.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      ” Maybe Sylvia can separate the personal from professional.”

      Yeah but can OP?

      Sylvia probably thought he was dead or kidnapped when he went MIA, she must have been worried out of her gourd. All OP sees is that she was hysterical/emotional.
      I assume they were/are in Europe. Europe ten years ago, oh, 2007. The whole continent was off the charts worried and still is. Those dots did not connect for OP.
      After the dust settled Sylvia figured out that OP did not even care if she made it home from her holiday trip safely.
      A sucker punch to the stomach would hurt less than this.

  101. Canuck*

    Let’s not pile on to the OP – clearly he made a poor judgment call in how he ended the relationship with Sylvia, and he knows it. Everyone posting here has done something ridiculous when they were younger that they wished they didn’t and now know better. It was a decade ago, people can and do change.

    OP, I have no additional advice for you on top of what Alison wrote. I agree with her that the most likely outcome is that you are going to have to leave your job, and that this is a probably a bit of karmic justice. I would just love to hear an update in a month or so! Best of luck to you.

    1. Sadsack*

      In this case, it seems that OP only knows that his past actions have impacted his current situation and not that his past actions were necessarily wrong in their own. People here have picked up on that.

      1. Trout 'Waver*

        It’s really hard to say what the OP knows and doesn’t know based on that letter. The OP wrote into a work-related advice column to ask for specific work advice.

        Also, the general advice therapists give people who did something terrible a lot while ago in their past is to not go digging in the past with the victims. They’re likely to do more harm than good. So I can understanding why the OP is only asking now.

    2. Marillenbaum*

      There’s ridiculous, and then there’s cruel. Vanishing after a three year relationship is unequivocally the latter. It’s an act that shows such a stunning lack of integrity that it would–rightly–color her opinion of his professionalism.

    3. Desdemona*

      For me, it’s less about what he did ten years ago than about how he reports it now. Sure, what he did was needlessly cruel, and pushed all the emotional expense of the relationship onto her, but it was ten years ago, and people really can change. But as he tells it now, he’s trying to convince us her reaction then was unreasonable, and he’s afraid she’ll continue being unreasonable as his boss. That portrayal speaks volumes about his character now. There’s nothing in his narrative to suggest to she was unreasonable then, so we have no reason to suppose she’ll be unreasonable now. I imagine she’s a good administrator and will be a fair boss. Of course, since fairness doesn’t mean you have to give a guy a pass on bad current behavior just because he was a jerk to you in the past, I wouldn’t be at all surprised by an update in a year or so talking about how she was out to get him from the moment she arrived, until he was finally forced out of the job, and the country.

  102. KJDubreuil*

    Let Sylvia know right away by any means you can. She may decide that if you are there she will not take the position/relocate. If that happens your problem is solved. She may tell the employers that you cannot stay if she is to take the position. You would then lose your job or if the employers refuse to terminate you, she won’t arrive. She may fire you herself (if she can.) She may decide to work with you and that may go well or badly. Whatever she decides to do will be HER CHOICE. She needs to have the ability to make her choice before she relocates or otherwise makes commitments that limit her options.
    ps I had a wonderful, thoughtful, kind, loving breakup (that I resisted to the bitter end) 30 years ago and no way could I work with the person. Time passing does not change the feelings.

  103. Barney Stinson*

    We will, of course, be requiring an update.
    Good luck. If it’s any comfort, there’s a raft of people who, if they became my boss, would probably kill me the first day.

  104. LoiraSafada*

    I’m sure you’ll get constructive criticism and sympathy from others here, but definitely not from me. You don’t sound sorry at all and your words are totally disingenuous. Honestly, this situation is entirely of your own making.

  105. Justin*

    Not the same, but it reminds me of the time I went on a two week trip, had just started a relationship, and came home to find out that my good friend and the gf had decided they were meant to be together.

    So when I found out, later, they said, “We didn’t tell you because we didn’t want to hurt you.”

    The reason it reminds me of this is, trying to bend over backwards to make a hurtful not hurtful is always more hurtful.

    As for what to do: you up and left a country before, so……

    2. the gold digger*

      Sort of similar – two weeks before our wedding, my husband’s parents told him – in confidence, with warnings not to tell me – not to marry me and that they were boycotting the wedding.

      Because – I wouldn’t notice if they just didn’t appear at the wedding?

    3. Marillenbaum*

      My boyfriend tried to pretend we’d “left things up in the air” when I did my ten-week internship overseas, as a precursor to letting me know he’d “met someone” and they were going to “try being exclusive”. We work in adjacent fields, and while I like to think I could take the high road to some degree, I also know I wouldn’t want to work in the same office as him.

  106. Ann O'Nemity*

    I wouldn’t assume that Sylvia doesn’t know the OP is employed at the school. In fact, I would assume a school director applicant *would* research the faculty and staff.

  107. a Gen X manager*

    I think most of the Comments so far are quite realistic about how this will go, but I also think it is possible that Sylvia may be at a place (emotionally and in maturity) to deal appropriately with this (given how long it has been). She has the advantage of being the supervisor and if OP allows her to FEEL in control (professionally), it could work long enough for OP to find a good out, rather than just running for the hills unemployed. If she is in a good place in her life, it is likely she will be more forgiving, too. Or if she hasn’t let go of the hurt and confusion (usually women just want to know WHY about things and without that it’s hard to move on!), she may enjoy making OP squirm and disrupting OP’s life in a similar way that OP did to her.

    OP – definitely talk to her before school starts (!!). let her do most of the talking. don’t interrupt her. don’t defend anything. apologize for everything and take all of the blame.

  108. Delphine*

    If I was managing you, OP, and you had treated me this way 10+ years ago, I would seriously question your character and judgement–not just because you ran away while we were in a long-term relationship and living together, but because in the decade that has passed you never once reached out to apologize. It’s one thing to say that you were young and made an abominable mistake and treated someone horribly–it’s another to never have gained the maturity in the years since to try and apologize.

    I think Sylvia may be able to work with you–you don’t know what her life is like now, how she’s coped, and what her feelings are about you. But I wouldn’t blame her for questioning your value as an employee, even if you pony up and apologize now (when it suits you and when it’s a question of your job). Teachers are meant to be role models.

    1. Former Retail Manager*

      I think a lot of those assumptions depend upon how old OP was when he bolted….23….or 33?? Big difference. And I don’t think not reaching out is all that odd, especially among men. I’ve known a slew of douchebags, very few of which have ever apologized for their douchey actions. And at what point does it just become too late to apologize…a year, two years, five years? And if you’re not on social media and you’re busy gallivanting from country to country, where do you even start in trying to find an ex when years have gone by? After a certain point, you risk reopening old wounds that are better left alone. People’s actions in their personal lives don’t necessarily dictate their ability to do well at their jobs. Relationships that happened over a decade ago and math don’t seem particularly related to me.

  110. Hiring Mgr*

    OP, do you think Syliva’s placement at this job is accidental? What if she’s still stalking you!?

    1. Morning Glory*

      There is no indication that she was ever stalking the OP. Only that she reached out to his friends and family and acted emotionally when her live-in boyfriend of three years disappeared without a trace from the apartment they lived in together.

    2. PizzaDog*

      Still?

      Contacting friends and family about the partner who just left the country without warning them isn’t stalking.

    4. Solidad*

      Oh, Christ on a Cracker.

      What are the odds that she’s been stalking him for 10 years and only acts now? That she somehow just managed to get this job to harass him?

      The odds of that scenario v. the odds of him being a jerk and wanting to blame it on fate seem pretty clear to most people on this post.

  111. AB*

    There’s been lots of comments from people telling you to write and apology, and also people telling you NOT to apologise. I think a very short apology like Alison wrote would be okay. Since it would be a bit weird to contact her without addressing the horrible thing you did to her. But nothing more than that.

    People who apologise for stuff they did years and years ago are doing it for themselves, to clear their conscience so they can sleep easier at night. They’re not doing it to make the victim to feel better. And all they’re doing is asking the victim to spend emotional labour reliving what was done to them, facing it, and deciding weather or not to forgive you. Guess what? They can do all that on their own, in their own time. People overcome trauma all the time, having an apology is not a prerequisite for that. All a long drawn out apology does is force them to deal with it on your timeline, for your benefit.

      1. AB*

        Because Sylvia and the OP are going to see each other again. Alison is right that the OP has to give Sylvia a heads up and he can’t contact her without acknowledging what he did and what a terrible thing it was.

        Ideally he’d never come in contact with her again and leave her alone to live her life. But that’s not an option now.

        There still a difference between a short apology and long lingering apology, going on about how terrible you feel and how you’ve changed and grown and blah blah no one cares.

    3. KHB*

      I think I disagree, because I think “overcoming” is slightly different from “forgiving.”

      If someone behaves badly to me, but I don’t have to deal with them anymore, then I can overcome that on my own time, like you said. But if I have to work with them on a daily basis and treat them as if the bad behavior had never happened? That’s a different thing. And knowing that they feel bad about what they did (if indeed they do) can be an important part of the process.

      The trick, I think, is to craft an apology that’s not also a demand for forgiveness. A number of the other comments have some good advice for how to do that.

    4. nnn*

      Since it would be a bit weird to contact her without addressing the horrible thing you did to her

      This makes me realize that the function of an apology here is not to make everything better, but to simply express neutral intention.

      In life in general, if you wrong someone, you apologize. Even for small wrongs – if you step on their foot or if you accidentally take their pen. The apology doesn’t resolve the problem (you still have to give their pen back), but if you don’t apologize – and even moreso if you make a point of not apologizing – it comes across as a sort of assholic doubling down. (“I didn’t know it was your pen therefore I did nothing wrong therefore it’s my pen now! Muah hah hah!”)

      The function of any communication between OP and Sylvia is to a) give Sylvia a heads-up that OP works at that school, and b) inform Sylvia that OP intends to defer to her about how to handle things. Accompanying this with a brief but well-executed apology signals to Sylvia that OP does in fact intend to proceed neutrally, whereas if OP doesn’t apologize that might give Sylvia the impression that he still holds some kind of grudge or is going to dredge up his grievances from their relationship at a general staff meeting or something.

  112. the_scientist*

    There is a song by a Canadian artist that I really adore (it’s called “Tall Tall Shadow”, by Basia Bulat for the interested); the chorus goes like this:

    One day when it finds you, take it to heart
    You can’t run away
    When you know that the tall, tall shadow
    Is yours

    All that to say, OP, that you’ve now discovered that you can’t run indefinitely from the shadow you created with your callow, cruel behaviour!

  113. Ellis*

    A few people have suggested addressing this with someone either a step up or a step down from Sylvia.

    Please don’t.

    She’s the new boss, in a new place. There’s no way details about a relationship she was in 10 years ago should be the first information either her bosses or her direct reports (or anyone at this school or in this community) get about her. She deserves the opportunity to establish herself. Even if everyone reacts as most of us have, and think the OP looks like the bad guy here and she seems totally reasonable, she should not have to start a new job with whispers of past relationship drama that was not at all her fault happening in the background.

    That seems like just about literally the least OP can do for her.

    1. Roscoe*

      Well, but if she is treating him badly, I think it actually is better for OP to get in front of it. This is a bad situation for all. But, that doesn’t mean she can just treat him like crap at work. And maybe she won’t, but it makes sense for OP to get in front of it. Not to have later a bunch of things made up about him so she can fire him.

      1. Ellis*

        If she is treating OP badly, I think OP can share their perspective on why that might be happening. But others have suggested that OP “get in front of it” before she’s even started, and that just seems like adding cruelty to their already cruel actions.

      2. aebhel*

        I don’t understand why we’re proceeding from the assumption that she’ll treat him badly at work. And frankly, sharing this story with supervisors unprompted is likely to make him look bad. If she does behave unprofessionally, then it becomes relevant.

        1. Roscoe*

          I don’t think you have to go into detail. But I also don’t know that going to HR and saying “FYI, Sylvia and I had a relationship many years ago that didn’t end on good terms” will make someone look bad.

        2. Mina*

          This. Based on the letter, I’d worry that his attitude toward Sylvia might subconsciously bleed into their work interactions, not the other way around.

    2. SarahKay*

      +1000
      There are worse ways to start a new job than having to work with an appalling ex and cope with your bosses and direct reports knowing all about your personal history (complete with OP’s “emotional-obsessive spin on it!) but surely not many.

  114. Mr Tasty Spaghetti Bolognese*

    OP is an awful, awful man.
    However, if Sylvia were to dismiss him on personal grounds, and not because of work related issues (being unable to work with someone, one would assume, is not grounds for letting someone go!) – would OP have grounds for recourse?

    2. SarahTheEntwife*

      In the US, unless your company has specific rules for firing or you have a contract, you can generally fire people for anything that’s not specifically protected.

      1. Manders*

        Depending on the country they’re in, OP may have even less legal protection than US law requires. Or OP may be able to cling to their job legally, but will be miserable if the expat community is small and gossipy.

      1. Shadow*

        By that standard hardly anyone would be working. Tons of people have made relationship decisions they regret.

        1. Mike C.*

          You realize that it’s a logical fallacy to equate “relationship decisions people regret” with “what the OP did”, right? That there’s a significant difference in magnitude between “common mistakes” and “what happened here”?

          Unless you think this is completely normal.

  115. Portia*

    I don’t think it’s fair to see whether Sylvia is willing/able to work with you. This is a new job, and she may not feel that she has the authority to say, no, I cannot work with my ex. Even if she does, it will cause her a lot of stress and worry that she doesn’t deserve to go through again.
    You should resign immediately. I understand that you don’t want to, and that it will cause you a lot of difficulties. But think of it this way: if you showed up to work one day, and your school had disappeared into thin air, with no trace, you would have to deal with that and move on, find a new job, maybe relocate. That’s what you did to Sylvia, so it doesn’t seem terribly unjust that it should happen to you now.

  116. Debbie Jellinsky*

    I’d love to know what AAM’s advice would be if Sylvia had written in. For example, a “got a great new job but just found out someone who caused me significant emotional (& possibly more, i.e. financial) trauma a long time ago will be reporting to me, what should I do?” situation.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’d suggest that she decide which she wants more: the job or peace from the ex.

      But Sylvia isn’t the one who wrote in. The OP has the ability to not screw her over for a second time by causing her to have to consider leaving a job she presumably wants. He should do the right thing this time and be willing to leave if she wants him to.

      1. Jaguar*

        I have to admit, I find it strange you think the right thing is for the OP to surrender the job if that’s what Sylvia wants. Could you clarify that? Does it apply to situations where a manager is hired and upon meeting a subordinate for the first time decides they don’t like the person, does the person have an obligation to leave? If not, is the right thing for the manager to leave in that situation? It seems to me that Sylvia took a job as a manager and, obviously, that job includes managing assets. It turns out, unfortunately, that one of those assets is her miserable ex. If that changes whether she wants the job, why does the ex have to leave on a moral level?

        1. KHB*

          Because in this case, the ex is “miserable” only because of his own hurtful behavior. You can’t just sweep that detail under the rug.

          1. Chocolate Teapot*

            Didn’t Alison once answer a question about a violent ex-boyfriend trying to get a job at the OP’s place of work?

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          What he did 10 years ago was horrible enough that he has a moral responsibility not to inflict additional damage on her. It’s about what the morally right thing is for him to do, not about what Sylvia or the company should require of him.

          That’s completely different than a manager just deciding they don’t like someone.

          1. Jaguar*

            Well, I’ll just register an objection, then. I don’t think OP has a moral obligation to quit.

            1. LBK*

              I think when you do something that terrible, you have to live with the consequences, up to and including having to reshuffle your life to avoid hurting that person further. Don’t like it, don’t do horrible things.

              1. Jaguar*

                That strikes me as really Medieval (or even Biblical). I don’t think people should forever bear the weight of the terrible things they’ve done. I don’t really know how much more clarification I can give that for a discussion, unfortunately. It seems self-evident to me.

                1. Delphine*

                  Sure, they shouldn’t–if they’ve worked to make amends. But no one is required to accommodate the OP’s discomfort, especially not the person they hurt. The options are limited here. OP wrote in asking how to handle the situation, a situation that they are uncomfortable with due to their own actions. They can either suck it up and leave, or stay and be uncomfortable and deal with the consequences.

                2. Zillah*

                  I think that part of being a responsible, ethical adult is accepting that just as sometimes the actions you take have lasting impacts on others, the consequences of those actions may have lasting impacts on you. Some impacts are disproportionate, and as a society, it’s our responsibility to push back against those – but sometimes, bridges are just burned, and you’re not entitled to a blank slate just because you want one.

                3. Jaguar*

                  I agree with both of you (Delphine and Zillah) in full. I’m talking specifically of Alison’s idea that if Sylvia wants the OP to quit, the OP should quit. That’s what I disagree with.

                4. Zillah*

                  @Jaguar – Ahh, I understand what you’re saying now – thanks for clarifying! I feel like there are two responses to what you’re saying: an ethical one, and a practical one.

                  On an ethical level, I agree with Alison – it seems like this (really shitty thing) is not something that the OP has ever faced consequences for before, and it’s time to step up to the plate if that’s what Sylvia – who has faced consequences for the OP’s actions – wants.

                  On a practical level, if your boss doesn’t want to work with you because you did an objectively terrible thing to them, even if it’s years ago, I don’t see what the OP can gain by holding onto the job. This is someone in a position of authority over the OP who has very, very good reason to dislike him. That’s not a recipe for success.

                5. Jessie the First (or second)*

                  “I don’t think people should forever bear the weight of the terrible things they’ve done. ”

                  No one is suggesting he wear a hair shirt to the end of his days, or that he seclude himself in the deep dark woods, never to be seen in society again. No one thinks he must forever be shunned. No one thinks he has here and forevermore forfeited his right to live among us.

                  He should just not work at this one school. And he should not work at this one school because he did a bad thing to someone years ago, and this can be a way of acknowledging that and making the limited amends he can.

                  You don’t have to bear the weight of all your bad decision forever. That does not mean you get to NEVER, not even once, have to deal with blowback from your bad decisions. He hasn’t had a consequence yet, so it is a little premature to start arguing that he shouldn’t have to FOREVER bear this weight. He hasn’t dealt with ANY weight so far. Having to get a new job is a pretty minor thing to experience for him now.

                6. Tableau Wizard*

                  I agree, but I would say that you do have to bear the weight of terrible things until you’ve worked to make them right.

                  He hasn’t even tried to make them right until they started impacting him again, so yes, I think he continues to bear the weight.
                  If he had apologized a few years after the ghosting incident, I would probably feel differently.

                7. Jaguar*

                  The reasonable blowback is that his boss is the person he was cruel to. Having to surrender his job immediately is not reasonable blowback, it’s Merchant of Venice-style retribution.

                8. Jessie the First (or second)*

                  “Having to surrender his job immediately is not reasonable blowback, it’s Merchant of Venice-style retribution”

                  He doesn’t “have to surrender” his job. He *should* surrender his job, because it is more than likely going to be insanely difficult and awkward to work together, and of the two of them – one of several teachers at a school vs the director – she is going to be the more valuable employee, more than likely. And because since he was the direct cause of the difficulty (by skipping town without any notice or even a note) it’s the decent thing to do, as a form of amends. But it’s also the self-interested thing to do – because it is going to be hard *for him* to work in that scenario, because he will probably feel worried a lot that the story will get out, he may deal with extra stress with every interaction – will she seek “revenge”? Will she be fair? Is my career going to suffer in the long run here? Or can I just get out cleanly now?

                  We aren’t all calling the director or the school board and demanding that he be fired – the advice is to him, that he should get a new job, or at least be prepared to have to find a new job.

                9. LBK*

                  That’s not what I’m saying – I don’t think he needs to be universally and karmically punished for eternity. I’m just saying that at the points where his life ends up intersecting with Sylvia’s again, I think the right thing to do is to always defer to what will be the least painful to her. He doesn’t have to bear the weight forever, he only has to bear it when he sees Sylvia again, because surely at those times she’ll be bearing the weight of what he did to her.

                  I’m not saying he should never be allowed to have another job again. If after this he never crosses paths with Sylvia again, then I don’t expect his previous actions towards her to continue to impact his life. It’s only when taking new actions that with re-involve her that I think he has to take what he did into consideration, and again it’s not about punishment, it’s about ethically navigating a situation with someone you’ve hurt.

                10. Jaguar*

                  I don’t think that if you’ve been wronged by someone, there’s a point in the severity of that wronging that you have a reasonable expectation that if you’re moving into a workplace they’re already in, they should quit. Nobody has the right to people making way for them, regardless of their past history.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Okay if he does not have a moral obligation to quit how can he be 2000% certain he is not causing more damage by his presence there? At some point he has to stop hurting this woman.

              We can go back and forth on whether or not he is hurting her. But for purposes of transparency the best course of action would be to leave.

        3. Roscoe*

          Yeah, that seems a bit much in my opinion. Like I’m not defending his poor breakups skills. But I don’t know that it means 10 years later he should have to leave a job, and country, that he has made a life in and is happy

          1. KHB*

            People have to leave jobs and countries all the time for reasons that are no fault of their own. The unfairness of life is far-reaching. And here, the mess the OP’s in is his own fault (at least, it’s the fault of ten-years-ago-OP), so it’s considerably less unfair than that.

          2. Mike C.*

            He already left the country once for the new job on short notice, so what’s the big deal about doing it again?

            1. Roscoe*

              We don’t really know that it was short notice, we just know he didn’t tell HER. Not quite the same thing

          3. CodingFool*

            Because his job involves teaching children, which means total disregard for others’ feelings should be a deal breaker. Nobody owes him the benefit of the doubt to anyone who has proven himself a callous, remorseless, selfish creep.

            This is about character, and you are what you do.

    3. VivaL*

      This is interesting. Let’s say neither could leave the job. I’d say it’s in the OP’s (Sylvia) interest to bring in HR on her decisions managing this person, for the first year at least, as a gut-check. In big companies, usually the management (reviews/bonuses, etc.) is shifted to another manager, even if the day-to-day is still with the original manager.

  117. Bea*

    I feel for you, but also…..KARMA.

    Moving to a new country and not telling your partner of three years….dude!

  118. Ambivalent*

    LW didn’t ask for judgement. He asked what he should do. OK, so he’s a school teacher. She’s an educator too. Teaching isn’t just a job, it’s also a mission. If he leaves now he is going to mess up the kids’ education for the year. I think this is the common ground they can work with. For the kids, maybe they can try to make it work to the end of the year. If he says this to Sylvia, he’ll sound more noble than “hey, it’s really inconvenient to move now, you know?”.
    I think the situation is awful for Sylvia. Maybe she can find somebody who can manage him, who reports to her, like a buffer between them.
    Anyway I think an apology is owed. Even if LW doesn’t mean it. Maybe he’s not a normal person and does not understand love. He seems genuinely surprised by Sylvia’s strong reaction to his disappearance, maybe he really doesn’t get it. So be it. He should at least pretend to feel really guilty, and tell Sylvia that he’s more mature now. He could say he was so ashamed he didn’t contact her for 10 years, not because he didn’t feel bad about it every day. Maybe she can forgive him. I bet she’d rather believe that, rather than that he really, just, never cared that much for her, which seems more likely. The lie is better than the truth in this situation.
    I do think the LW will very likely have to find another job next year. But if LW and Sylvia can really focus on the mission, on the kids, maybe they can make it through this. Good luck to both. I hope LW never has a romantic relationship until he figures out what he did wrong with Sylvia. But who knows, maybe he’s a great teacher. It’s possible.

      1. Mina*

        Also, maybe this is just me, but if he refers to Sylvia’s reaction to his disappearance as “emotional and obsessed,” how does he treat the girls he teaches? Does he take them seriously, or does he brush them off the same way as he did Sylvia?

    2. Kate*

      Yeah, I’m so sure OP cares about the kids. Did no and does not care about his girlfriend of 3 years, but does care about the kids he teaches. And if you think I’m being unfair, consider that he said “I’m happy and settled and I don’t want to leave.” He DID NOT say “I don’t want to leave my students. ” OP cares about one person: OP. That was true 10 years ago, and it’s true today.

  119. Grace*

    Dear Sylvia,

    I recognize I gave you no voice in what happened all those years ago. I was wrong. In order to make amends, I will willingly accept your decision on how to handle our current situation, whatever it might be.

    And then do whatever she says. You were wrong. Your letter indicates you’re still thinking about what you did without truly understanding your culpability. You ask for constructive feedback, but probably have dismissed most of what people have said. You need to let Sylvia decide what happens, and respect her decision.

    2. Op is not a monster*

      Why should he let her dictate his career trajectory just because he did something bad years ago? I agree he should not have done what he did back then, but he doesn’t need to punish himself now.

      1. LBK*

        Why should he let her dictate his career trajectory just because he did something bad years ago?

        Well, you answered your own question right there. If he’s even remotely remorseful or sorry, he should be doing whatever he can to avoid hurting her again, and that might mean having to reshape his life around hers. Work isn’t a magic bubble where you become a different person – what you’ve done in your life outside work still matters, especially when it’s something this egregious.

        1. Op is not a monster*

          How many times does OP need to do this? What if OP moves to another great school/organization and then Sylvia gets recruited by them to be his boss again, is OP obliged to again leave that job because of what he did all that time ago? What if OP advances in his career and then at one point is in a position to hire/not hire Sylvia for a job? Should OP hire her then quit his position to make up for what happened? I know both of these situations are outlandish but I bring them up to make a point, how much suffering does OP need to incur to make up for what happened before?

          Ultimately I think we both arrive to the same recommendation although for different reasons. I think the OP needs to change jobs to avoid being fired and or gaining a bad reputation/reference, and it seems some people think OP needs to change jobs so that Sylvia does not have to work with the “jerk” (other peoples word not mine) who left with out a word.

          1. KHB*

            “how much suffering does OP need to incur to make up for what happened before?”

            The flaw in your thinking here is that you’re continuing to make this all about the OP. It’s not. The OP doesn’t need to bring suffering upon himself for suffering’s sake to pay some kind of karmic debt to the universe for his past misdeeds – but he does need to be willing to inconvenience himself if that’s what’s necessary to keep the woman he hurt badly from being hurt even further.

            If Sylvia isn’t comfortable working with the OP (which she may or may not be – we don’t know – but this is the whole reason we’re talking about the OP possibly needing to leave the job), she’s not going to keep seeking out positions where she has to work with the OP, so the OP’s not going to have to keep changing jobs around her.

            1. LBK*

              Well said. Questions like “when has the OP suffered enough?” miss the point, which is that Sylvia is the one primarily entitled to avoiding further suffering in this situation. If they’re placed in a situation wherein one of them has to be inconvenienced or face consequences as a result of their personal situation, I don’t think there will ever come a time where Sylvia is the one who should be expected to change her life to accommodate the OP; she’s already changed her life enough as a result of him, and against her will at that.

              1. Decima Dewey*

                The OP isn’t suffering. He’s apprehensive at the thought of working with the woman he left without a note or a word. As far as we know, Sylvia hasn’t sent him 200+ bricks COD, or a dead gopher by four class mail. She may have noted that there’s a Mr. Ferguson in the Math Department, but not associate that with her long ago ex.

                As his boss, Sylvia will have to give OP feedback on his performance. Will OP take every “I’d like to see more attention to X” as “I hate you, you miserable piece of !@#$%”?

                Yes, some of us have been ghosted. I wouldn’t be wild about working with the ex who dumped me by Christmas card, but I could work with him again.

          2. Jessie the First (or second)*

            You pose a series of hypotheticals but how does that answer the question that is actually in front of us?
            Your “what ifs” are not actually relevant because it’s just inventing and borrowing trouble. What if things that haven’t happened yet and would require a whole chain of events end up happening? Well, then we will deal with that entirely new situation if it happens.

            Bringing up a situation that you acknowledge is “outlandish” doesn’t really offer insight to the real situation that is before us. And as to “how much suffering does OP need to incur” — well, he hasn’t incurred any suffering yet. He snuck away and abandoned her because he didn’t want to have a single uncomfortable conversation; he arranged things so as to avoid any awkwardness, any discomfort, any consequence. Now, he has one consequence – he should get a new job.

            1. Op is not a monster*

              @KHB you are right I am thinking about this all from the OP’s prospective because they are the one who wrote in asking for help. If Sylvia had wrote in asking for help my answer would be different and it would make it all about Sylvia and what was best for her.

              @Jessie your right the hypotheticals don’t help awnser the question OP put before us, but I was trying to use them to show that people were not looking at it from OP’s side but rather from Sylvia’s. I recognize and understand OP’s behavior was bad and the instinct to side with the injured party is strong but we should try to help the OP in their best interests.

              I do agree your end suggestion to move just for different reasons.

              1. LBK*

                But the goal isn’t to just blindly advise the OP about what will be in their best interests. In a situation like this it’s about advising the OP to do what’s right – I’d think it’s pretty antithetical to the values of this site to basically give the OP selfish advice that might further hurt Sylvia. And arguably it is in the OP’s best interest on the larger scale of being a good person, not just advancing his career.

          3. aebhel*

            I don’t particularly care if OP incurs more suffering; this isn’t about punishing the OP, this is about trying to mitigate a very unpleasant situation for someone else that he already hurt. Any suffering he does or does not experience is quite honestly besides the point. It’s not about punishment, it’s about restitution.

              1. LBK*

                I don’t see what’s unhelpful about saying “You screwed up, this is your life now.” Just because it’s probably not what the OP wants to hear doesn’t mean it’s not accurate.

                1. Anna Held*

                  And again, this is a tiny community — staying (especially without a plan to leave or to ameliorate the situation) could blow up in his or both their faces. It vastly increases the chance that the whole sordid story gets out, and could poison his ability to get any job in the international educational community. It could be the difference between losing a job and losing a career.

      3. Grace*

        I don’t see this as a punishment, but as the only way to create any balance to the situation. Sylvia will undoubtedly be very wary of anything the OP says or does. Any attempt to apologize would be ludicrous; the OP has clearly indicated (s)he has no remorse. Sylvia has earned a leadership role, and is likely very capable of determining the OP’s career trajectory whether or not the OP likes this truth. If I were Sylvia, the only way I’d even consider trying to work things out would be if the OP accepts culpability and proves (s)he has grown. Otherwise, as Director, I’d be obligated to ensure that the OP’s role is short-lived. Students don’t deserve to be exposed to a human who once demonstrated such a grievous lack of concern for another person’s well-being, and has not managed to change.

        1. Op is not a monster*

          I agree that I think Sylvia will probably be wary of what OP says or does, while it would be understandable if she is it could still be unfair. I do agree certain actions in ones personal life do impact how someone should be viewed professionally for a job, like stealing when you are a financial professional. But again OP being a shitty partner/worst partner of the year does not directly relate with them being a bad teacher or bad influence. I would imagine and hope that OP is not talking to the students about the time he left his partner without a word. One can be a shitty partner but great with the students, a lot of people seem to be assuming OP has not changed, I disagree I think OP understands their actions before were not the way to go.

          1. Grace*

            I disagree. OPs actions from long ago speak to his/her character. So too does the letter (s)he sent to askamanager. It’s evident that OP is not good at caring about others’ well-being. The only concerns listed are really about how this will affect the OP. (S)he is worried that things might be “embarassing” for him/her among the tight knit community and that “I will also be reporting to my ex.” The OP’s major take-away is that “I am happy and settled here so do not want to move.” There is no concern at all about how Sylvia might feel. While I doubt OP is talking to the students about the time (s)he abandoned a long-term partner, it’s highly likely that OP thinks more about what the job can do for him/her than what (s)he can do for students.

      4. Delphine*

        He doesn’t have to do anything–the OP asked how to handle this and allowing Sylvia to decide what happens is one option, probably the one that results in the least drama and discomfort (which, clearly, the OP hates enough to skip countries anyway).

      5. Solidad*

        It will whether he wants to or not. If he doesn’t offer to leave this job and she shows up without any forewarning, what he did will get around and he will suffer in his career.

        It’s not about just or not. It just is.

        Personally, I think it’s just. He was cruel.

        This is not the same as smoking weed and stealing a car at 16. He was an adult and actively cruel and cowardly. He has to own the consequences of that, even if they aren’t fair.

        He wasn’t fair to her.

        1. Op is not a monster*

          You are right they are not the same thing smoking weed and stealing a car at 16 are actually criminal offenses in most states anyway. Being cruel is different from breaking the law, often we advocate for forgiveness and second chances for people who break the law. But the general consensus seems to be this was an unforgivable transgression and I don’t dispute that what OP did was cruel and wrong it was. Yes forgetting about what is just or not and dealing with “it just is” I think OP is going to have to change jobs the sooner the better, at the latest after the end of the coming school year.

          1. Mina*

            Were I in Sylvia’s shoes, I would consider this unforgivable, or at least *extremely* difficult to forgive. Especially if I read OP’s letter here and learned that my anguish at a partner’s sudden disappearance was considered “emotional and obsessive” after so many years. There is no respect for her feelings here, much less any remorse. If OP wants any chance of things resolving smoothly, it’s on him to sincerely apologize and acknowledge the extensive damage that’s been done, which requires self-reflection and an attitude change.

            I’m not saying OP needs to have a walk of atonement or hole up in a cave somewhere for what he’s done. He needs to find another job not just for Sylvia’s own good, but for his.

        1. Op is not a monster*

          That is an unfair assumption, just to be clear I have not. I do not defend what he did long ago I think it was cruel and wrong, but I wanted to try and avoid having it be that everyone piles on the OP. If that happens people will be afraid to write in when they know they have done something that will be looked at unkindly by people on the site.

        2. Anon for This*

          Oh, please. That’s BS, and you know it.

          Because anyone who doesn’t jump on the Outrage Police Bandwagon and who has a different take on this is a horrible person, right?

          Just stop.

  120. Amtelope*

    Dude.

    I think you need to accept that you may need to resign or be fired, however much of a problem that will be for you. I think you should think hard about whether you want to even try to work for someone who probably–for extremely good reasons–hates you. That is not the person who I’d like to have become my next professional reference.

    If you really, really want to try to salvage this job, definitely contact her ahead of time, apologize for your jerk-ass behavior when you were younger, tell her you know this has put her in an awkward position, and ask if the two of you can talk about how you can best handle this school term/school year while you look for another job. If you are extremely lucky, and she is truly over how you treated her, you may not end up having to leave at all, but at least you may be able to kick your departure down the road to a better time in the school hiring cycle.

    Just … do give the reference issue some thought. There are a lot of ways that someone can sabotage a reference without sounding obviously like they have a personal grudge. “Oh, Chad! He’s a sweet guy, he tries so hard! I’m sure he was doing his best here, but it just didn’t work out the way we were hoping when we hired him. You know, I hate to say any more …” Etc.

    1. Op is not a monster*

      I agree even if she truly believes she can be impartial about this and tells you she will, subconsciously she might not be able to, I would like to think if I were Sylvia in this situation I would try to be impartial to OP but I honestly I don’t know if I could do it. I might think I was being impartial but any little mistake might be magnified by my personal feelings for OP.

      OP you really need to weigh the risk reward here in this scenario, you can try to stay in this job you like (to me this would be moderate reward) but risk this blowing up in your face badly and I mean badly you could be not rehired next year (are you on a year to year contract, are you tenured?), you could be fired for cause (little mistakes that might not normally be a big deal would be made out to be bad (to me this is high risk), like Amtelope said she could give you a really bad reference (that would be easier to explain with the personal relationship) or she could give you a lukewarm but professional reference where she doesn’t come off as spiteful (highest risk danger danger Will Robinson) where it would he harder to explain away by the relationship especially the longer you work together.

      You have to make this value judgement’s yourself, but in my opinion keeping this job is not worth the potential risk to reputation and possibly being fired for cause.

  121. Cringing 24/7*

    I see a lot of comments suggesting that OP find a new job and/or be ready to move immediately, but isn’t that suggestion EXACTLY what people are deriding OP for having done in the first place? Isn’t having left without explanation or regard for Sylvia’s past emotions the same thing as not giving Sylvia a chance to make the decision herself now and see if it’s something that she wants to make work because she needs a complete team or she has the professional capacity to compartmentalize an old, ghosty partner from a current employee more than ten years later?

    Sorry for the run-on questions. They’re not rhetorical, though. I’m not seeing how, if OP follows these suggestions, they’re not just doing the same thing to Sylvia as was done a decade back. And I don’t mean to put all of the emotional labor on Sylvia, saying that she’s unprofessional if she can’t work with OP and it’s her responsibility to just get over what was done for her, but what if she’s already totally over it? I think OP should at least test the waters like Alison said rather than ghost from his job and uproot his life.

      1. Cringing 24/7*

        I completely agree – different, but not separate. Otherwise, OP wouldn’t be worried about his prior personal relationship affecting his professional standing.

    2. Cringing 24/7*

      And, as a follow-up, OP – if she can’t work with you – them’s the breaks. We all have things that we unexpectedly have to pay for later in life – things we’d done when we were young, immature, or stupid (or, in some of my cases, all of the above). Sometimes we feel as if the social statute of limitations should have voided our past actions by now and it doesn’t seem just since maybe we’ve evolved into different, better people who shouldn’t have to pay for those things. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and deal.

      1. Cringing 24/7*

        I may have misinterpreted some people’s intentions. There were a lot of comments along the lines of: “you can’t stay,” “you need to move, regardless of if it’s hard,” and (insert Titus’ voice) “it’s time to go, girl,” combined with a smattering of assumptions that Sylvia would not be able to stand to have them around – which I acknowledge is entirely possible, if not probable.

        1. Mike C.*

          It’s not an assumption that Sylvia can’t handle it, it’s that she shouldn’t have to.

    4. animaniactoo*

      Jobs are different. He doesn’t owe her anything in the job for leaving beyond appropriate notice. And NOBODY is telling him to ghost on the job and abandon it and just not show up. Which is the major issue with what he did before. It is not his duty to consider her feelings about him leaving the job – only how they might work together if he stays in it.

      People are telling him to be prepared to go because she may not want him in it. They’re telling him to find a new job because even if she doesn’t tell him to go/fire him, the situation is going to be awkward as hell and an issue for him, and he’s entitled to take care of himself in this situation even if his leaving is not what she considers the best solution. Also, because yes, there’s a high probability that she’s not going to be okay with it, so if you’re looking for job safety, then on a risk assessment basis your best move is to go. Not stick around and “see” if the minority probability is the one that wins.

      1. Cringing 24/7*

        That makes a lot of sense – thank you so much! I worried about how obtusely I was coming across (and I know that a part of it is that I’ve never been ghosted before so I don’t have a good idea of the emotional ramifications of it and the other part is having the male privilege of not being seen as responsible for the amount of emotional labor that is foisted upon women in relationships and breakups). So, again, thank you so much for explaining!

    5. Liz T*

      You’re going to have to explain a bit more how the two actions would be remotely comparable. I really don’t get this.

      Unless…were you under the impression that people think OP’s actions 10 years ago were bad because no one should end any relationship, of any nature or duration, for any reason or in any manner?

      1. Cringing 24/7*

        I think that a lot of my questions stemmed from how adamant people were in encouraging OP to leave. I misinterpreted those comments as suggesting leaving before Sylvia arrived or without notice. I’ve realized now that people are telling him to be *prepared* to have to leave as the situation may be emotionally and socially untenable for both of them.

    6. Mike C.*

      I told the OP he should get ready to leave because I see that as the most likely result of all this and that he should be prepared for it.

    7. Delphine*

      Because he’s not leaving Sylvia, he’s leaving a job? You can’t “ghost” a job…or do we also need to explain to OP that giving notice at one’s job is a thing?

      1. tigerlily*

        Well…you can ghost a job, as evidenced by the second half of your sentence that mentions giving notice. And even with giving notice – he is in a way leaving Sylvia. He’s leaving a vacancy that she will then have to replace, possibly causing lots of upheaval for Sylvia and the other teachers and faculty and (most importantly in my opinion) the students.

    8. Observer*

      How are the two situations even the same? No one is suggesting ghosting her, the school or anyone else.

  122. Downer*

    Sympathies for the person who was ghosted, but that’s not really how employment works. The manager can’t just force an employee to move on because they are uncomfortable. That’s constructive dismissal.

    I’m afraid that the onus here has to be on the new manager. If they can’t manage somebody within the bounds of the job based on their performance alone they’re not a good fit for the position and should not take the job.

    1. Cringing 24/7*

      I mean, right? What OP did was really immature and socially inappropriate (as OP acknowledged already), but in no way illegal or reflecting in any way on what sort of teacher they might be a decade into the future. The higher up you go, organizationally, the more you’re expected to be able to separate the personal from the professional because you’re over more and more people and you can’t be expected to like everyone who works under you.

      1. LBK*

        Come on. “You can’t be expected to like everyone who works under you” applies for someone who has annoying habits you don’t like, not your ex who broke up with you in a horrible way (and “socially inappropriate” is kind of a disgusting way to describe it because it implies it was only wrong as a breach of etiquette, not because it was emotionally devastating to the person he abandoned).

      2. SarahKay*

        But “no way illegal” is an appalling low standard to hold someone to. Look at how many questions we see here where a boss is behaving in a truly horrible way, and Allison’s response is basically “your boss is a jerk, but yes, it’s legal”.
        And while OP’s behaviour 10 years ago may not tell us anything about the person he is now, his letter, in which he mendaciously refers to abandoning a three-year relationship with no communication or apology as ‘ghosting’ tells us quite a lot about what he’s like now. Not to mention his gaslighting of her entirely natural upset response as ’emotional’ and ‘obsessive’.

    2. Amber Rose*

      This isn’t about just straight up employment though. This is about LW making amends to someone they screwed over very badly in the past, and avoiding current drama. Sometimes the legal answer and the practical one aren’t the same thing.

    3. Kate 2*

      I’m 99% sure that a manager firing an employee they are uncomfortable with because they have a personal history is not constructive dismissal. That would be if the job got a new office, after I had been employed there, 5 hours away from the old one I worked at. Or if they decided to add the responsibility of head winemaker to my job even though I signed on to be a pastry chef. Basically things that make it impossible for you to fulfill your job duties, or duties extremely far out of your job description. Also at-will employment means that Sylvia could fire OP for any reason at all whatsoever basically.

    4. LBK*

      Depends where the OP is, in the US there’d be nothing illegal about her firing him. And constructive dismissal means making him so miserable that he quits, which doesn’t apply if she just straight up fires him.

        1. LBK*

          I mean, it’s not wrong to say you can fire someone for no reason, you just have to potentially be willing to handle a lawsuit. But that doesn’t legally prevent you from doing it.

          1. Artemesia*

            What ‘at will’ means is there is no grounds for a law suit (unless the dismissal is for one of a handful of reasons like racial discrimination). Not liking the employee is grounds for dismissal i.e. no grounds are necessary and this is not illegal. Of course we have no idea where this is and what the laws are there but this is most US states.

            And of course you can end a relationship without a reason except ‘I don’t want to continue.’ Nothing wrong with the OP ending the relationship; it is the just leaving without a word from a 3 year live in relationship that is appalling. And then considering her obsessive and emotional for trying to find out what happened to him.

    6. spock*

      He moved out of their shared home with no notice after dating for 3 years and cohabiting for 2, it would be incredibly reasonable for her to have reservations about his integrity and communication skills which sounds to me like an excellent reason to not keep an employee on.

    7. Observer*

      In the US, Sylvia could fire him directly. It wouldn’t even have to be her forcing him out. I don’t know if that’s the case where the OP lives, but it’s worth thinking about.

      It’s kind of silly to pretend that people are not people just because they are at work. Odds are that Sylvia is going to be seeing the OP as a person who she cannot trust, and possibly as someone who should not be in a classroom with children or teens. And, even if she can manage him, he does have an obligation to consider her feelings.

    8. Teri C*

      It doesn’t benefit him to have her not take the job. Clearly, it’s been announced that she was hired. If she’s candid about why she’s now refusing the job, that’s going to cast a shadow on him anyway. And she’ll have no reason to protect his reputation.

  123. Former Retail Manager*

    Haven’t had time to read all the comments above, so apologies for any repeats….

    OP…you have been chided quite a bit in the comments, so we’ll leave the past behavior alone and take your word that you know it’s not okay and presumably regret your actions.

    As for the current situation, even if you don’t like social media, I’d get on there ASAP and start finding out everything you can about Sylvia, mostly so you can determine where she is in her life and if you might really need to change jobs or not, although either way, I’d definitely be prepared for that. Although your actions were cowardly and caused her quite a bit of heartache, I’m sure, it’s been 10 YEARS!!! A lot can happen in a decade. Hopefully, Sylvia has found love, maybe had kids if that’s her bag, and found great fulfillment personally to the point that you’re just a distant memory. If that is the case, I think that you may be able to make it work. Heck, she may even revel in being able to “flaunt” her happiness with her current life to you every day. You just never know where someone is emotionally after a decade. But I’d certainly start doing my research and preparing to leave if it all goes left. Also, I don’t think it would hurt to perhaps add to your apology that you’ve thought about your behavior many times over the years and contemplated reaching out to apologize and express regret, but thought it better to leave well enough alone and allow her a chance to move on/not dwell. Considering your personality, you may or may not be able to sell this, but if you can, I certainly would.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Erm, no, I would absolutely not stalk Sylvia on social media. It’s not up to the OP to decide what Sylvia should do or how she feels about this–it’s up to her. I would just do what Alison suggests. The only research OP needs to do now would be toward finding a new job.

    3. teclatrans*

      What they said — no stalking! OP treated her callously and cruelly (including through character assassination in retelling the story), and now to keep from experiencing consequences, he should creep about the internet and analyze her life, seeking clues and keys for how to manipulate the situation in his favor?

      And even if it weren’t abhorrent, what is this stalking supposed to accomplish? So what if she is married, has kids, smiles in every picture? That is irrelevant to what she knows about OP’s moral character, any scars he may have left, etc.

      It’s admirable that you are trying to answer the Ops question on the terms he set us, but we can’t separate our advice from the specific details of his behavior and the ways it caused harm & could cause harm in the future. Context matters.

    4. Bess*

      This is kinda weird to me. I feel like this response is written as if this is just a typical ex situation, when it’s really, really not. Breakups are often messy but this goes so far beyond that it’s not a matter of Sylvia having found someone else or whatever.

      I’m currently in a loving, long-term committed relationship, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to see/interact with a past deceitful ex on a daily basis. Having a healthy relationship wouldn’t make managing someone who’d inflicted so much damage (without any remorse) any easier.

  124. Beatrice*

    Let Sylvia know that she’s going to encounter you at her new job, as soon as you can. Apologize.
    Consider letting someone else in authority at the school know what’s going on. It might help to have a neutral third party authority who is aware of the problem.
    Look for another job elsewhere immediately. Consider looking for work outside your chosen field, if needed.
    Contact your previous director about using him/her as a reference…you won’t want to use Sylvia, and some of your other current references may be tainted by the fallout from whatever’s about to happen with Sylvia.
    Find a neutral way to explain what happened here. You are not going to want to share this degree of detail with future employers when you job hunt.

    Also…I don’t know what the problems were in your relationship or why you chose to exit the way you did, so I’m reserving judgement on how you treated Sylvia, but no matter what, putting your friends and family in a position to deal with a distraught ex-girlfriend in your place is definitely grounds for either an apology or heartfelt thanks, so if you haven’t communicated one of those things to those people, you should!

  125. Hiring Mgr*

    I certainly hope we get an update to this one… I agree with Alison’s advice in this case–reach out in advance, give an apology/acknowledgment , and take your cues from Sylvia. You never know, there’s at least a small chance that she’s long since moved on and it may not be a situation where it would be impossible to work together.

  126. Not sure about this one.*

    I think the OP was quite immature (maybe still is) but I’m not sure if he’s the awful, terrible monster a some of the commenters are making him out to be. Apologies before the school year starts and seeing how she takes it would be a good idea as others say.

    I honestly think there’s some problem with the extent of her tracking down his family/friends and making scenes. Yeah the OP did a really terrible thing especially since they lived together for a good bit of time but that didn’t mean she should have dragged other parties into it. She may have wanted closure (and the OP really should have done *something* to formally break up with her) but I’ve seen exes who won’t let go and involve mutual parties (yes, I’ve been in those situations a few times…) who don’t want to be involved. You may have to prepare yourself for something like that again.

    You wrote that you’re not a big fan of social media: if she spent time and effort dragging your friends/family into your previous situation, you may want to look into your social media accounts and secure them/make them private, etc. You may also have to think about that if the expat community is rather tight knit then you may have to consider more extreme options (like, finding a new job in another country if opportunities are that limited) if things become unpleasant.

    You may have to reap what you sowed. Hope you’ll update us, OP.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      It’s entirely plausible that “dragging friends and family” into it meant “calling friends and family to make sure LW wasn’t dead or something”. That is a reasonable response to coming home and finding your partner and all of their belongings are gone.

      1. Op is not a monster*

        Yes and it’s entirely plausible that “dragging friends and family” into it meant “calling friends and family to make sure LW wasn’t dead or something” and once she found this out from one of them she kept calling others to try and find out what happened (as in why he left), or to try and get in contact with OP. Yes breaking up with her directly and giving her closure would have been the nice courteous thing to do. I believe that Alison usually says we need to take people that write in at their word. OP admitted it was a mistake and they did the wrong thing, I think they understand how badly they come off and hence asked people not to pile on. This is ask a manager where people write in how to deal with their problems. We should be trying to help OP find a way to deal with this situation that works out best for OP not for Sylvia she did not write in.

        OP I do think a heads up is warranted in this situation, I think phone would be best if you can find her information, this would allow you to best gauge Sylvia’s reaction to you working at the school. Unfortunately you might have to find a new job at the end of the year, not because it is best for Sylvia but because it is best for you. This is where you need to use your best judgment if you really think Sylvia can be professional you can try to work through this. But this might be one of those cases where even if Sylvia thinks she can be professional, subconsciously she might be overly critical of you. If you leave on your own terms you can negotiate a good reference letter from the organization, maybe use your old boss and coworkers as a references from that job (since they will be the ones who worked with you the most), and the school can just verify dates of employment.

        1. Liz T*

          “Yes breaking up with her directly and giving her closure would have been the nice courteous thing to do.”

          Breaking up with her directly would have been the human, non-vicious thing to do.

          This isn’t about dumping someone via email instead of in person. This is coming home, to your home, and your partner of 3 years has vanished without a trace. I’m not saying OP is a monster, but –based solely on what he’s said here–his actions in this situation were monstrous.

        2. SarahKay*

          Actually, OP did not admit they did a wrong thing. He barely admitted it was a mistake, and even then only in the context of ‘it was a mistake because he’s now in an awkward situation’.

  127. Becky*

    I’m trying to think of the kind of letter I’d need to get if I were Sylvia in order to feel okay about possibly working together. (I don’t know her, so this is just what *I* would need, the kind of person I am)

    The problem is that given the feel of the original letter I don’t think he (?) could truthfully write this and mean it, which should be a gut check for him.

    Anyway, here it is.

    Sylvia,

    This is not an easy letter to write, so I’m just going to plunge in.

    I’m starting from the wrong foot already, in that it took finding out you will be my new supervisor at X job to finally force me to send this letter that I’ve started composing in my head probably a hundred times in the past. But, here I am.

    Ten years ago, I did an unforgivable thing in the way I ended things with you. I was young and stupid, but that doesn’t excuse the unnecessary cruelty I inflicted. After living together for two years, I left our shared apartment while you were away with no note and no explanation, amplifying all the usual sadness of a breakup into something much, much worse.

    The onus of that is entirely on me, and I regret it more than I can say. What I did was cowardly, it was shameful, and it was absolutely inexcusable.

    For the pain and sorrow I caused you, and for whatever it may be worth at this late date, I apologize.

    Maybe you had already put two and two together on seeing the staff list at X job, or maybe this will come as a surprise, but either way I wanted to contact you prior to the start of the school year and see how you wanted to proceed. I really love working here and think it’s a great place to be! However, if you don’t see a way to working together productively, I would definitely understand that as well.

    If you feel it would be helpful to discuss further, either by email or phone / in person, please let me know. I am open to your thoughts on this. If you’d rather stuff it down the memory hole and treat this like a new clean page, that is of course also fine. If I don’t hear back from you before the start of the school year, I’ll assume that’s what you prefer.

    4. KHB*

      Yes, this is good. The only change I might make (based on the kind of letter I would need in this situation) would be to spell out a little more explicitly that “If you don’t see a way for us to work together productively, I’m willing to leave this job and leave you in peace.”

    5. MJH*

      Yeah, I’m sorry this is buried at the bottom of the comments because it’s great. I hope the LW finds it.

  128. FormerHoosier*

    I am sorry for this. I seems as if you have learned and realized that this wasn’t really fair behavior towards your ex. My best advice is to reach out to her first so that she isn’t blindsided the first day because even if she is over it or willing to not hold this against, seeing you suddenly on the first day could really be a shock. I recently had a situation where I realized that I knew something intensely private about a co worker who works in another state from a previous job. And then she came in to our local office two days later. I felt so awkward so I understand how it might be very difficult for Sylvia to not be forewarned.

  130. keyboardharrier*

    If OP is a sociopath, which I kinda think he might be he could just sit back and watch the bonfire. He already stood on the bridge as it burnt…

  131. NW Mossy*

    It’s something of a cliche to say that you’re going to flee the country to avoid a problem, but somewhat rarer to see someone actually do it! OP, I suppose the upside here is that having done it once, you know what it would entail to uproot your life and can make the decision to find a new job in your current location or try to find work elsewhere a bit better informed. I wouldn’t hold out a ton of hope that you can stay in your current job and rub along amiably with Sylvia, but it’s possible that she has a capacity to forgive and forget that’s beyond most of us.

    Sometimes life presents us with choices that are worse and even worse, and this is one of them. This one stings so much because it’s so directly the result of a past poor decision and there’s precious little you yourself can do now to make the situation better. Alison’s advice to lean into the badness and let things play out is spot-on, because this is not a circumstance that’s going to be improved by delay and avoidance. Face up to it with honesty now and you’ll speed the process of reassembling your life.

  132. (Different) Rebecca*

    “We were together for three years and lived together for two of those years.”

    *reflexively crosses self* *is not even Catholic* Holy mother of god… One thing you need to come to terms with right-freaking-now, OP, is that in no way was what she did an overreaction. I’d have been calling not just your family, but the police, the morgue, interpol, etc.

  133. The Vulture*

    I like that this person is all, “Ugh, don’t hassle me about my decisions in life, just give me constructive advice about how to deal with my boss being someone I wronged, in a rather dramatic fashion, but without that advice being find a new job because that’d be inconvenient”

    Uhhhh…well…you’ve kind of tied our hands here. I know you are big on other people bearing the weight of the inconvenience of your decisions, so I guess hope your new boss is a better person than many of us and is completely professional and chill about it? You also have experience with getting a new job and disappearing under cover of darkness, so, sorry if a lot of people recommend that but…worth looking into.

  134. Regina Phalange*

    This entire letter is so baffling (THREE YEARS / LIVED TOGETHER / LEFT THE COUNTRY) and *I* feel traumatized by it, so as a fun distraction, let’s look at this from Sylvia’s perspective:

    More than a decade ago, I was in a relationship with a man, John, in a country where we both lived. I wanted to settle down, and I thought John did too – being we were in a committed, long-term relationship (three years) and lived together for two years. Then, over the Christmas break, while I was visiting my family, John simply moved out and left the country. He took a job in other country and did not tell me about it. Incredibly concerned / blindsided / traumatized, I reached out to his friends and family to ensure he was okay.
    Anyhow, fast forward to now. I just accepted a job as a director at an international school which I am really excited about.

    I just found out that John works at the school as a math teacher.

    I have no idea what to do and how to deal with this mess. It is clear this will be not only traumatizing and deeply uncomfortable, but John will now be reporting to me.

    Do you have any suggestions for me how to handle it and what should I do?

    2. Lipsy Magoo*

      Oh wouldn’t that just be perfection!

      I keep hoping this letter is fake I’m so disturbed.

  135. David Waldock*

    What if it turns out this isn’t a coincidence and she’s manufactured this situation to get back in touch with the questioner?

        1. (Different) Rebecca*

          …I cannot imagine the amount of industry pull you’d have to be to make something like that happen. And coming from a long history of having a person repeatedly and cruelly ghost me, years later, I just want the motherflipper gone from my life, closure or no, so let’s not hop on the ‘ghosted woman is unstable’ bandwagon without a lot more evidence, ‘k?

          1. Jerry Vandesic*

            I can imagine something along the lines of the Matt Damon movie “The Adjustment Bureau.” In the case of the OP, there were agents who moved the ex’s resume to the top of the pile, made the other leading candidate late for the interview, and then moved some budget around to make sure the offer was sufficient. All to put the OP in this very sticky situation. The agents probably work in the KARMA department of the Adjustment Bureau.

            1. Bolt*

              I am dying with that thought…

              She probably never even applied, someone probably planted her resume in the pile and blew up her old workplace so that she’d take the interview.

        2. Naruto*

          That’s insane. No. But even if that WERE the case, so what? How does it matter? How is it remotely relevant to the question posed by the LW here?

        3. Amtelope*

          It really isn’t. People often date other people in the same small field, either because they met in school or because they met through work. They’re very likely to eventually run into those same people again in professional contexts. The world of international schools (especially if narrowed to “taught in language X, in countries where people speak language Y”) isn’t big enough for this to be a remotely surprising outcome.

          1. Tuxedo Cat*

            That’s what I was thinking. Two colleagues of mine who didn’t know each other and live in different (and far apart) states happened to meet each other on a plane recently. The world is funny like that.

        7. PizzaDog*

          She’s not going to damage her own reputation and credibility for some gotcha over a relationship she had with a jerk 10 years ago.

        8. CMDRBNA*

          Not really. Five years ago I went to a county on the other side of the world (a very small country, not a tourist destination at all and very difficult to travel to) and while walking out of a cafe I ran into a woman I had worked with years earlier. In the intervening time I had finished grad school, taken a new job, and moved, and she had left the place where we worked and moved to another coast, became a photographer, and we just HAPPENED to be at the same restaurant in the same tiny country at the same time. We hadn’t kept in touch since we left the place we worked at, and I had no idea that she’d be there. We weren’t Facebook friends or anything.

          The world is weird that way.

          Honestly, if the OP and Sylvia were both teachers who spoke the same primary language or taught in that language and were in the same country, I’m surprised they haven’t ran into each other before. Expat communities are usually pretty small, and if you’re, say, an American or English speaker teaching in Korea or whatever, there are only so many places for you to teach.

        9. Mary*

          “They lived together when they were both studying TESOL / teaching / met because of their shared interest in teaching and living abroad and whoops, in a small industry they’ve run into each other again”

          is considerably more likely than

          “Since being dumped 10 years ago, Sylvia has put all her professional energies into being in a position of power over THE MAN WHO WRONGED HER.”

          My partner ran into an ex of mine at a training session a few years ago. I work at the organisation where my ex used to work, and I interviewed for a job with my ex’s ex-wife. My partner is from absorber country and my ex and I met Ina third country where neither of us now live, and my ex’s ex-wife comes from a fourth country. None of that is stalkery or a particularly weird coincidence: we just all met through a shared interest Ina particular sector, so it’s not surprising that we keep nearly bumping into each other.

      2. animaniactoo*

        Because it’s an interesting “what-if?” and it’s actually not outside the realm of possibility.

        In which case, to me, the answer is “Be prepared to have a long overdue conversation and figure out how to move on with your life.”

    3. Amber Rose*

      What if tomorrow the sky turns purple and the grass goes orange with blue polka dots?

      There’s a billion what-ifs for every situation and it’s pretty off topic and irrelevant to go through them. But honestly, even if that’s what she’s done, the advice isn’t terribly different. Apologize, probably find a new job.

    4. SarahTheEntwife*

      …then it’s probably an even better idea for the LW to start looking for a new job?

      1. Zillah*

        Yeah, I think that this is the bottom line, and why this is a ridiculous line of questioning.

    5. Language Lover*

      Don’t leave it there. What’s your theory on how Sylvia created the family situation which caused the current director to resign? Did she poison one of his/her kids? Then did she bribe some higher ups to be hired as the director? Diabolical.

      It’d make a great book/TV episode/movie but wouldn’t change the advice for the LW, though.

      It sounds like LW and Sylvia are lifers in international schools. It’s not unusual for these lifers to move around and teach in new countries. There are a lot of international schools but not so many that it’s unlikely for them to ever cross paths again, especially if they prefer a certain part of the world.

      1. Bolt*

        This is so getting turned into a cheesy Lifetime movie where she’ll end up getting arrested after committing a bazillion crimes.

      2. Kate Ryan*

        Oh man, bribery never crossed my mind. Here I was admiring Sylvia’s commitment to a revenge plot that consisted of climbing the ladder of success for more than a decade until she was made the director of an international school just so she could manage her ex.

      3. Liz T*

        I think Sylvia intentionally got him the job he left her for so he’d leave her and she’d have a reason to stalk him for a decade. If anything it makes TOO MUCH sense.

  136. JMO*

    One of the funniest things about this letter is that the OP was going to _leave out that detail_ about the relationship being three years long. Until Alison asked, OP was not going to even mention that they LIVED together. But he did have room to ask the commenters not to pile on!

    1. Not Allison*

      Yep. OP is a sociopath, most likely. Who the fuck absconds from a 3 year relationship while someone is away just to avoid confrontation? Then acts like she’s obsessed with him. Then makes sure to mention she was just a blip in his romantic history. The lack of awareness on OP’s part tells me he’s probably a terrible teacher and not worthy of employment.

      OP if you’re reading, seek therapy. And maybe it’s time you pack up and move to another country again, since you clearly have no idea how to handle yourself. Can we say KARMA?

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Oh my goodness. I’m no fan of the OP’s behavior but can we take it down a notch? No need to diagnose internet strangers.

        1. MissDisplaced*

          Agreed. Frankly, I’m kind of shocked at some of the negativity and hate being directed towards the OP.
          Yes, maybe they were and still are a world class jerk asshole, but it doesn’t make them a criminal. And there are all sorts of weird things in personal sexual relationships people might want to run from, rightly or wrongly–and that has nothing to do with their WORK. Piling on isn’t helping the OP deal with this situation.

        2. CodingFool*

          Nah. You don’t have to be a psychiatrist to understand that callous, willful disregard for others’ feelings is a symptom of sociopathy.

          1. Marie*

            Sociopathy is not a diagnosis, and if a psychiatrist used it as a diagnosis, they would be opening themselves up to malpractice or at least an investigation from their licensing board.

            I’m not wading into the “should we call OP a sociopath” argument here, just consider me a member of the Committee for Proper Application of Clinical Terminology dropping off a brochure.

    2. Ellena*

      My thoughts exactly. He is not really sorry and his apology will probably not help a lot since it will most probably sound insincere.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I noticed that too. Either he is totally clueless about how terrible what he did was or was trying to intentionally downplay it to avoid criticism, which I can understand; it sucks to tell a story where you’re the bad guy.

      But the point of the letter is what should OP do about this job. I think for all intents and purposes, it’s pretty much torched. I just can’t imagine Sylvia wanting to be anywhere in the same district as this person, let alone supervising him directly. If I’m wrong and she doesn’t care, then great, but OP’s performance would have to be beyond exemplarly to overcome that stigma, because her only experience of him so far has been avoidant and basically dishonest behavior. Even if she’s forgiven him completely and her life is filled with awesome, that impression would be hard to overcome.

    4. Language Lover*

      The LW did not mention how long they were dating but they did say in their original letter that they waited until Sylvia was visiting her family for Christmas and then “simply moved out” and went to another country. It’d be one thing if they had said “moved” but when I read “moved out,” I did reach the conclusion that they were living together. Once you’re serious enough to be sharing a space with someone, romantic partner or not, moving out without even a goodbye, except under exceptional circumstances, is really not good.

  137. Erin*

    Hm, tough. I definitely second the suggestion to reach out to her beforehand and suggest getting together to talk about it. For sure.

    The good news is that a lot of time has passed since all of the crap. It sounds like you’re not really the same person and she probably isn’t the same person either. Whatever reaction you’re expecting from her based on her past behaviors could be totally off. Not to suggest she’ll be thrilled to see you or anything like that, but maybe she’ll have a “that’s water under the bridge attitude.” Who knows.

    If not, yeah, I suppose it’s possible you’ll have to go through relocating. Sorry this came back to bite you in the butt, but when you make poor decisions sometimes the consequences play out that way. I know you’re happy where you are, but it sounds like you’ve moved around a lot and have lived in other countries, so you’re likely very adaptable to different places and jobs. There are other good jobs and communities out there. Whatever happens, you’ll be okay.

  139. Jeff*

    This reads like a synopsis for a Lifetime Movie channel feature! Who is going to play who, and in which country is it going to set? Does it have a happy ending where the two of them rekindle their love?

    Oof is right.

    1. Anna Held*

      I’m thinking Italy. Lifetime or Hallmark — Lifetime if she kills him/sends him to jail in the end, Hallmark if they end up together, because FATE — tend to stick to known countries, which means Europe mostly. Lots of scenic vistas, lots of charm in places middle America has heard of. Bonus points if she is wooed by a handsome Italian who cooks for her and knows his wine.

      I love those sappy Christmas movies, but I just watched one on Netflix and….anyone else ever read Going Postal? (If not, go do so immediately.) The description of the vampire who eats pigeons then regrets it…that’s me and sappy Christmas movies.

      But not the one with Carla Gugino, a little Mae West, and the angel. That one is the BOMB.

      (Sorry to go off track, OP, but on the other hand you might need good book and sappy movie recommendations. I think it’ll be a hard Fall.)

      2. Gadfly*

        Well, or he ends up the disposable villain whose presence helps her realize she does love the other guy and only the wounds from OP have clouded her judgement. But now, after seeing him again, she can be free. (And something happens to OP about this point that no one really cares what as long as it gets him out of the story…)

  140. Naruto*

    I agree with Alison’s advice — if you want this to work, you need to follow a script like that. I’d add the following: you must acknowledge fault, you must not make excuses or minimize your conduct or its consequences, and you must not breathe so much as a hint of blaming her.

    If this is going to work on a short-term basis, you need to do those things. Basically, you need to be contrite, period. Even then, it might not work. But unless that’s your approach, it’s guaranteed to fail.

  141. beebee*

    Won’t it be better if a third-person mentions that the ex is on of the teachers? It’s not fair that the OP gets to disappear and appear as they wish. Several years might have passed, but there will always be emotional scars. Imagine coming from your holidays only to find your partner gone with no note. Something like that will leave deep scars and cause problems in future relation as you will always have a tiny voice in your head of what if this person disappears one day too?

  142. Diego Pino*

    Take the manager’s advice. Contact her before you meet face to face and apologize for what you did 10 years ago. From your letter it seems you know what you did was wrong, otherwise you won’t be worried or ask for advice. To know if you’re really sorry, ask yourself if you’d act the same way today. If the answer is yes, then quit your job and left the country. You will find another job somewhere else. The bad news is that in 10 years you haven’t evolved much.

    But if the answer is no, that’s good news. Throughout life we’re constantly changing. You acted like a jerk 10 years ago, that doesn’t mean you’re still a jerk today (at least in this regard). This is your chance to amend your error. You cannot erase the pain you inflicted on Sylvia when you left without explanation, but you can apologize to her and acknowledge your mistake. You will need to be bold and sincere, it will take courage. Likewise, it will be up to her to agree with your reasons or not, to forgive you or not. Keep that in mind too.

    Dignity is something we cannot buy in a store, we can only earn it when facing tough situations. This is one of the kind. Don’t run away like you did 10 years ago. Earn some dignity for yourself.

    Contact her before you meet at the school, either email her or call her, then meet face to face privately.

    This thread has gone viral on the Internet. If you don’t act fast, maybe there’s a chance she’s up to all this already.

        1. Bend & Snap*

          OMG the tweets.

          My fav:
          IF YOU’RE READING THIS, LETTER WRITER WHO IS DEF NAMED CHAD, TAKE EVERY SECOND OF THIS KARMA AND USE IT TO FIX YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS WOMEN

            1. CMDRBNA*

              Jayonnaise. Jayonnaise is my favorite new name for these types of guys (or “tepid guys” as Polly of Ask Polly refers to them as – you know, the guys who will drift along for ages in a relationship that they don’t actually want to be in, yet won’t leave or take any definitive action?).

          3. MashaKasha*

            OMG the stock photo.

            This is karma explosion of such ridiculous proportions, I kinda feel bad for the OP now. Also, for poor Sylvia, who had in no way expected her painful past to be dragged out and splattered all over the Internet. Sigh.

          4. Detective Amy Santiago*

            Have you ever had the subject of a letter recognize themselves and write in to share their side?

              1. Ruth (UK)*

                It’s in the news here too in the independent. I can’t manage a link while using my phone as it’s slow and crashy enough as it is. I came here to warn this story ended up being used as a news story but I see this isn’t the first news (or similar) site to use it

              2. Game of Scones*

                If you had published either response, would you have changed your original advice to the OP given that you had more context?

            1. Courtney*

              Just saw that! If OP thought things were going to be awkward before, we’ll see what happens if Sylvia ends up reading his take on all this now that it’s gone viral…

      4. SarahKay*

        “Ghosted ex is new boss” in google pulls up this AAM, and two other articles that reference this on AAM.

    2. Augusta Sugarbean*

      I think we can kiss the chance of an update goodbye. The comments on the other sites are about what you’d expect and are obviously bleeding over to here. Good luck, OP.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        In his effort to avoid the drama, now the whole world knows. Am shaking my head, again.

        1. CMDRBNA*

          RIGHT?

          If the OP wants to “avoid drama,” I am just going to pre-emptively advise him to do the opposite of what he thinks helps him avoid drama.

  143. Ann O'Nemity*

    I can’t imagine that reaching out to Sylvia at this point to talk things through is going to result in any sort of positive outcome. It just seems selfish and presumptive. Pragmatically, there’s very little chance Sylvia is going to be all, “Don’t worry it’s water under the bridge!” An argument is way more likely. Further, OP would be arming Sylvia with even more ammunition for termination (“See, OP immediately brought up our previous relationship and said for themselves it will be hard to work together.”)

    Instead, I might wait until school starts and be prepared to make some reserved comments about wanting to work well together. That, and start quietly working on a Plan B. Because seriously, I don’t think the OP can salvage this long-term unless Sylvia possesses some superhuman ability to rise above.

    1. Murphy*

      I think contacting her would at a minimum at least give her a heads up that OP is there in case she doesn’t know.

    2. animaniactoo*

      The likelihood is that there IS no positive outcome – not as OP wishes it to be – to be had from this situation at all.

      However, not reaching out and contacting her now is increasing the drama in the hopes of avoiding the bomb and leaving it to make a bigger explosion than it otherwise might have. Similar to having packed up and left without notice or explanation while she was away.

      If she happens to be in the vengeful state of mind you describe waiting will only exacerbate the situation.

      Therefore a potential positive outcome to be had from this situation is that OP gets to find out the situation is not going to be workable before the schoolyear starts, emotions will have had SOME time to die down, and he can at least make an attempt at filling a sudden vacancy elsewhere.

      Alternatively, he might find out that she’s willing to reserve judgment and he can save himself a month or two of worrying and nightmares. That would also be a positive outcome.

  144. Non-profiteer*

    Do you live in a Judd Apatow movie? Except for the part about being “international” and ex-pat, you sound like you’re being played by Seth Rogan in a Judd Apatow movie, and Sylvia is played by Katherine Heigl. I guess the good news for you here is that you’ll end up falling back in love.

  145. Ellena*

    There is a possible scenario in which Sylvia is now happily married, obviously successful professional and not holding a tremendous grudge that would make it *completely* impossible to work with the LW. Contacting her and profoundly apologizing would be my first step too. It can’t hurt and if it doesn’t work, he will move on anyway.

    What I do not see in this letter, however, is a clear indication that the LW feels ashamed and realizes that this was a horrible way to treat his partner. He only indicates that she is “a forgotten story” and that he expects the readers to “have a go at him for bad behavior”. He will have a hard time making the apology sound sincere, if he has not internalized the feeling of regret.

    1. AJHall*

      I am sure the OP’s apology will be at least as sincere as Sylvia’s assurances to him that it’s all water under the bridge and that she wouldn’t dream of making his life a living hell in consequence of his having left the country in order to dump her at Christmas.

  146. Not Allison*

    Yep. OP is a sociopath, most likely. Who absconds from a 3-year relationship while someone is away just to avoid confrontation? Then acts like she’s obsessed with him. Then makes sure to mention she was just a blip in his romantic history. The lack of awareness on OP’s part tells me he’s probably a terrible teacher and not worthy of employment.

    OP if you’re reading, seek therapy. And maybe it’s time you pack up and move to another country again since you clearly have no idea how to handle yourself. Can we say KARMA?

    1. NotThatGardner*

      i know therapy is a great suggestion, but it’s getting lost in your diagnosing OP as a sociopath and questioning his entire worth as a person. i don’t want to derail, i just want to kindly nudge you in the direction of constructive feedback since this person knows they screwed up and is looking for help.

      1. Laura*

        They don’t know they screwed up, really. They’re asking for advice to maintain their status quo, not make amends.

  147. JKP*

    I was ghosted/abandoned by a boyfriend after dating for 5 years. Based on the other comments thus far, my experience is probably an outlier, because we’re actually on good terms now.

    Basically after 5 years of dating (spending almost every day together but not living together), he just disappeared and didn’t return any of my calls/emails/letters for months until I gave up. Once I knew he was okay and not dead in a ditch somewhere, I just moved on with my life and made my peace with it. About 2 years later, he called me out of the blue to apologize and we became friends (although I would never date him again). With him, I could be in Sylvia’s position and be just fine managing him without any hard feelings.

    BUT, here’s why I was okay with him again:
    1) He reconnected with ZERO ulterior motive other than to repair the damage he had done. The problem with the LW’s position is that while this bad behavior happened years ago, he’s had all the years since then to make it right, which makes the bad behavior really ongoing and more current. There’s no other way to frame this other than “I’m trying to make this right so I can keep my job.”
    2) He took 100% responsibility for his actions. He was humble and admitted he handled everything badly and shouldn’t have disappeared like that. He acknowledged the hurt he caused and was sincerely remorseful. The LW seems to be minimizing what a big deal this really was in how he’s characterizing Sylvia’s response.
    3) In my case, my ex always needed space when stressed/overwhelmed and already had a habit of disappearing for a day or two when upset, so I wasn’t totally blindsided. When I found out what had happened to him, his ghosting made more sense and I didn’t take it personally and had compassion for him. In the LW’s case, the ghosting was specifically because of wanting to leave the relationship, so the ghostee would definitely feel worse about it.
    4) My ex didn’t leave me with debt/obligations like shared rent/bills.
    5) I was generally happy in my life, with a new relationship and work I enjoyed. So his reconnection left me with a sense of satisfaction and closure in that the best revenge is living well and leaving him with the feeling that he missed out.

    It’s possible, but unlikely, that she might be okay with things like I was. I would give Sylvia the chance to decide how she wants to proceed, but be prepared to leave if that’s what she wants.

    1. Health Insurance Nerd*

      I think your key point here is #1. If the LW were to reach out and apologize to Sylvia, he would be doing so for the sole purpose of saving his job, and if she is a person of reasonable intelligence, she’ll know that right off the bat.

      And honestly, you sound like a seriously awesome person-I don’t know many people who would handle your situation with as much class and grace and you seemed to :)

      1. Non-profiteer*

        I second all of this. In my case, the relationship was about 7 years ago. We’ve since made peace and I would be fine supervising him (in fact, I would actively hire him!). But all the differences you mention here are key, with the major addition that my relationship was only casual dating (though predicated by a year-long fairly intense platonic friendship) and only lasted 6 months.

    2. Erin*

      Thanks for sharing your story. I agree the notion of giving Sylvia a chance to see what she wants to do. He might be surprised. A good amount of time has passed.

  148. Viki*

    Here’s a question: can Sylvia fire OP? For real-personal relationships from ten years ago should not be able to terminate an assumedly good employee. That’s a whole different issue than the maybe hostile-awkward situation and the ghosting.

    But if Sylvia can’t fire the OP without justification and I find it hard to say “ten years ago we dated and they abandoned me” as justification of being able to fire someone who has been at the school longer and as far as we know in good standing, then you need to find out how to work with each other.

    1. Ex-international teacher*

      It would depend on the country, but most international teaching jobs are done on a yearly contract. If his contract is up at the end of the year, they just have to not renew, rather than firing. If the country has laws that prohibit it, she might be stuck with him, but I don’t think that’s really the issue. The letter writer is the one asking, and I think the letter writer has a moral (not legal) responsibility to make it as easy on Sylvia as possible. That could just disappearing again, or asking her how to proceed.

    2. Decimus*

      That probably depends on what nation it is in and what the LW’s employment contract says. In most US states the LW could be fired for any reason or no reason as long as it’s not an improper reason (with improper generally meaning “illegal”). European nations tend to have stronger standards. But if the LW is a contract employee the new director might be able to simply decline to renew their contract.

      So I guess the answer is “it depends.”

    3. SleeplessInLA*

      While I’m sure Sylvia can’t just fire OP her first week on the job, there are so many ways this can go wrong I can’t see why OP would even attempt to stay. At any point Sylvia could decide to either “restructure” her team i.e. intentionally pushing OP out or stifle OP’s growth in his current role. OP has shown he lacks character and integrity on such a massive scale that yes, it’s reasonable to find him untrustworthy as a employee.

      Also, how does OP expect employment evaluations to go? I think if anyone were to take a step back and realize how much we rely on our managers when it comes to career development, growth opportunities and promotions it wouldn’t even be an option to attempt to stay at this job. and The way I see it, OP can almost guarantee that Sylvia will never have his back (and yes I’m assuming but honestly, why would she?)

      TL;DR –Even if OP keeps his job, working for a boss who will likely never have your best interest at heart just doesn’t seem like a good idea.

      1. Humble Schoolmarm*

        Education being what it is, promotions or access to projects, as was mentioned upthread, might not be a big deal for the op, but evaluations and Sylvia’s ability to back him up in a conflict are huge! Ethically (to avoid causing anymore distress to Sylvia) and practically, he may need to move on.

    4. Jerry Vandesic*

      Even if she can’t fire him, she can try to make his life a living hell. As many an AAM letter has shown, a boss has many ways to make an employee miserable.

  149. Editor Person*

    I keep thinking about how the best revenge is living well. It’s entirely possible that this relationship is no longer an open wound for Sylvia. She would be right to still be royally pissed and this is the kind of thing that sends people into esteem spirals and therapy but she might not think about OP every day anymore. In all the time that has passed (so so much time) it’s entirely possible she’s moved on, met someone new, is married, kids, picket fence, whatever.

    But she’s still going to talk about OP. Even in a jovial “hey funny story, they walked out on me! New Years sure was rough that year!” over the bad wine and cheese cubes after work. So even if she don’t make your life a living hell pretty soon everyone is going to know what you did. And you can see in the comments how popular that is.

    1. K.*

      I would hope that Sylvia has done whatever she needed to do to move past it and doesn’t think about OP at all anymore, because she deserves that. But the fact remains that OP is and will always be “The Ex Who Moved Out of Our Shared Apartment Without Telling Me While I Was Away Visiting My Family for Christmas.” Like, when someone asks her “What’s your worst breakup story?” she will tell that story, and the people she tells are going to cringe in horror, and they should.

      1. Editor Person*

        Exactly! Their social circles are about to combine so even in the best case scenario for OP where Sylvia has moved on completely, the story is going to come out eventually. Even with no malice meant on her part, no grand scheme to screw him over. People are going to find out so OP needs to bow out as gracefully as possible.

  150. Guitar Lady*

    I’m curious, what would the advice be if OP and Sylvia had had a terrible acrimonious breakup? Regardless of who behaved worse at the time, having an ex as your boss sounds in general bad and dangerous to one’s career. At this point, does it really matter who was more at fault? Being managed by a person who has deep emotional issues with you no matter the reason is probably a good reason for the OP to plan on leaving this job.

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      In similar-ish situations, the thinking has been that the company is more likely to prioritize keeping the hand-picked manager over a regular employee. The employee should prepare to look for a new job even if she isn’t to blame fr the interpersonal drama, unfair as it is.

  152. AMT27*

    No practical advise, just sympathy OP – most comments are about your past behavior and needing to move on to a new job if that’s what you have to do. And while that may be what you have to do I’d just like to say – we have all done stupid stupid hurtful things when we are young and don’t know how to handle the hard stuff. Its not fair to your ex to have to work with you after what happened, but I also feel like you worked there first, so its not fair to expect you to leave? Anyway, this sucks and I hope you can find a way to work together professionally.

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      I never did anything like that when I was young. OP wasn’t even young at the time. 25+ (post-graduation plus a 3-year relationship) isn’t young. If you’re old enough to be living with and having regular sex with someone, you’re old enough to wait until they get home from vacation to break up.

    2. JS*

      I agree actually, I don’t see why everyone is saying he should leave. If anything her being the boss puts he ability to do the job into question. If she DOES say anything to coworkers, administration tbh it will look bad on her as LW said everyone was tight-knit. Why would they believe her over him, someone they know? Not saying LW should try to sabotage her at all ( on the contrary they should try to use this as closure and work together) but realistically he is in the better position to stay on here.

  153. Lady Phoenix*

    Prepare for the armchair of truth (and excuse the mistypes because phone):

    You didn’t ghost her. You ABANDONED her. Instead of telling her “Hey we ain’t seeing eye to eye, let’s break it off now and find new people”, you pretty much ran for the hills and pretended to be dead to her to avoid all “the drama” — which didn’t work because now she was worried scared you were dead and probably scared the shit out of your friends and loved ones. YOU may have avoided the drama, but they sure didn’t. We call this “selfish” and “irresponsible” and “cowardly”.

    You call her hysterical and obsessed after doing all of this, even now, despite the logic being “you left without a word”. That is what we call “gaslighting” and “emotional abuse”.

    Now professionally, she will now have you panged as an emotionally immature and irresponsible jerk who will make excuses for himself, blame his coworkers, run With no notice should the work get too difficult and huge. And she will have proof cause you did it before and honestly, I think you would do it again.

    You need to clean yourself up and OWN YOUR FUCKING SHIT if you are truly repetent, or find yourself a new job. I have no reason to trust your judgement and she most certainly has none either.

    That is the consequence of butning bridges.

      1. LadyPhoenix*

        Thank you. I am surprised that no one has figured how the Sylvia could have used the abandonment (which is what we’re gonna call it, come on guys seriously?) as grounds to fire the OP or severely penalize him in the long run. She has the proof, the witnesses, and even this letter to use against the OP (because he certainly has not acted repetant at all).

        The ONLY reason a person should EVER abandon their partner is if their partner was abusive, PERIOD. Nothing the OP has given me any inclination to believe he ditched her was because she was geting abusive.

  154. London Calling*

    Love the way you call it a ‘conundrum’, LW. As if it some pesky parking ticket you can appeal against.

  155. Student*

    If I were her, I would be looking for ways to semi-legitimately fire you ASAP. So, for the job bit, follow AAM’s advice to give her a heads-up and ask for some grace time to move on to a new job. Tough luck that your job market is small – guess you’ll have to start looking at different kinds of jobs or look farther afield.

    I strongly encourage you to also take this life event to do some serious self-evaluation and, hopefully, grow up some as a person as a result. The other commenters – listen to them when they tell you how you sound now and how what you did back them likely impacted this woman. You done wrong, and it’s come back to you. That won’t stop until you recognize you have a major character flaw and change your ways.

    Figuring that kind of thing out and how to mitigate it is literally the best way I have to define an adult – somebody who is self-aware of their personal limitations, and tries not to foist all the consequences off on others. Right now, you aren’t being an adult, because you are looking to foist the natural consequences of your bad behavior off on this woman (again!).

    1. MissDisplaced*

      Sorry, but firing someone as vengence or retaliation from a relationship gone sour 10 years ago is just wrong. Jerk or not, it has zero bearing on how OP does their job today.

      1. Nugget*

        No, but his current take on how things stand speaks volumes. He is still that guy. He gaslights, and worries only about himself. If this is how he approaches life, it’s unlikely he’s a great teacher.

    2. Jordana*

      I wouldn’t fire him. I would make his life so miserable at school that would make him to quit the job. hahaha oh yes I would!

  156. Elle*

    This letter writer is a monster. How on earth do they think that was acceptable behavior in any way? If that is how they behaved to someone they lived with for three years, how do they act with strangers?! Poor Sylvia. I can’t imagine having to interact professionally with someone who treated me as terribly as that.

    1. Anon for This*

      ENOUGH with the calling the OP a monster (and this isn’t just directed at you, this is to everyone who is hell-bent on dehumanizing the OP in this comments section).

      The first rule of commenting is PLEASE BE KIND. I don’t care how crappy his actions here were, calling him a monster when you know absolutely nothing else about him is not okay.

      For the most part, people are not defined forever and always by their worst mistake. Period.

      The self-righteous virtue signaling in this thread is so damn disheartening. Suddenly everyone is a Paragon of Moral Virtue who has never made a bad mistake or hurt anyone ever, and in their moral superiority, they get to judge the entire character of a total stranger on the internet based off of his bad choices a decade ago. It’s been really, really getting bad in the comments sections as of late and I’m getting tired of seeing it.

      To everyone participating in this pile-on/skewering: I really, really hope that no one ever learns about the worst thing you’ve ever done and then proceeds to label you a “monster,” or a “horrible person” for it without knowing anything else about you. As if everything else you are or done, or any of the ways you might’ve grown or learned, or any good you’ve put into the world is invalid.

      And before anyone jumps in with “BUT HE’S NOT EVEN REMORSEFUL!” That is entirely conjecture and assumption based off how they’re reading the letter. STOP projecting that onto him. Nowhere does he say he doesn’t feel badly about it – he merely is trying to just get advice and wanted to keep people on that tack. There is nothing wrong with that.

      And because I’m almost certain I’m going to get a bunch of responses about how “actions have consequences” and “stop defending him,” as if somehow I don’t already know that, I’ll remind you that this doesn’t have to be (and quite frankly shouldn’t be) an either/or situation: EITHER you sympathize with Sylvia, or you excuse the OP’s behavior. NO. It’s both/and: I BOTH sympathize with Sylvia, AND recognize that the OP’s behavior was wrong, but I don’t get to dehumanize him and be vicious and assume I know his character when I only know this one thing about him.

      Come ON, guys.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        OP may or may not be a monster, but he definitely did something monstrous. Every now and then there’s a letter written from a such an off-kilter perspective that you can’t begin to address the actual question without re-positioning the entire lens. OP is basically asking, “How can I make sure my ex doesn’t use petty BS from my past to hurt my career?” and the response is, “Well it’s not petty or merely BS, and part of being a sentient adult is understanding that when you hurt people, the world just may find out about it and treat you accordingly.” Retroactively defending a bad decision doesn’t take it back. OP has to live with the fallout from causing trauma to someone he claimed to love.

      2. Jaguar*

        To me, the more lamentable aspect is that it seems like people can’t even discuss an issue rationally. I don’t have any sympathy for the letter writer and don’t really object to calling that sort of walking out “monstrous,” but the constant moralizing and “but what the LW did was so awful that [dot dot dot]” is frustrating to read. One of the things I really like about this place is that it offers many intelligent and thought-out perspectives, but it does seem more and more that people are knee-jerk reacting based on whatever their visceral response to a situation is.

      3. Don't Be Rude*

        Absolutely, totally, 100% agree. I come to this blog to read constructive work advice, and the comments are usually an excellent addition to Allison’s advice. (I’ve even seen scripts in the comments these last couple weeks that were just as good as her suggestions.)

        This, though, and a handful of other posts are just toxic. I mean, really, how much joy can people get from talking about the karmic implications this person is suffering 10 years after their mistake? It’s gross, honestly, and breaks all the rules we usually follow here. Be kind, be on-topic, don’t knit-pick language, don’t pile on… I’m seeing hardly any of that here and it really drags the quality of comments down.

        1. President Porpoise*

          I know, and I agree. This is more than the rubbernecking ‘wow, what a clusterfudge’ that would be understandable and acceptable – people are eviscerating the OP and gleefully splashing about in his problems in the name of shaming him, and it’s gross. Yeah he did a terrible thing – but the fact that he acknowledges it and is writing for advice means that he’s not, as some are saying, ‘a monster’.

          After the first, I don’t know, 50 comments saying the same thing, maybe people should stop posting whatever variant of ‘OMG, you’re going to burn!’ that makes them feel better, and you know, actually provide some constructive advice or background.

          I feel like the comments are not the constructive and kind community we had not so long ago, and I miss those days.

        2. CodingFool*

          Another (and more positive) way to look at those comments is that they favor Sylvia’s best interests being served. If that means LW has to reap what he has sown, then so be it.

          If that happens, I choose to look at it as being happy for Sylvia that she doesn’t have to suffer additionally through no fault of her own rather than “taking joy in karmic implications”.

      4. Mary*

        Just out of interest, what would be your line for “actually this is really really bad”?

        To me, this is absolutely on the same scale as “I stole £1000 off my ex and now whoops she’s my boss” or “I literally only hit her once but whoops now she’s my boss” or “sure, I abandoned her as a child bc I wasn’t ready to be a parent but whoops now she’s my boss”. I am totally happy to own up to saying mean things when drunk/seventeen, to fucking up at work, to being horribly passive-agressive in a relationship when I was 21, to taping the top ten off the radio in 1994, to not give my enough money to charity and so on, and I’m happy to be judged on those things – but there is definitely a level of shitbaggery that I’ve *never* pulled, and I don’t feel bad about saying wow, that is some serious shitbaggery.

        like, are you saying that no matter *what* an LW says they did, they shouldn’t be judged for it? Or just that this particular thing isn’t *so bad* that they deserve to be judged this harshly for it?

      5. feminazgul*

        This was straight up psychologically abusive, not just a really bad mistake. There are very different standards for doing shitty, mean things and doing abusive things. One does not have to be kind to an abuser.

        1. Anon For This*

          And as many people above have pointed out, not everyone agrees with you that this was abusive behavior. I personally don’t either. Shitty and mean yes, but not abusive. Stop stating your opinion as if it is objective fact.

          I’m getting very tired of people appropriating the word “abusive” to cover absolutely everything hurtful, as though anytime someone gets their feelings hurt, automatically that means the person who hurt them is an abuser. That’s offensive and inaccurate. You cannot co-opt the term “abuse” to mean “anything that hurts my feelings.”

          Mary, that is where my line is. Truly abusive behavior is not comparable to what the OP did here. He was immature and selfish, yes, but comparing what he did to hitting her, or any other form of a real psychological abuse (name calling, Gaslighting, manipulation, etc. ) is just flat out emotionally dishonest, in my opinion. And apparently in the opinions of many others who are commenting here as well.

          I, too, made some bad choices when I was younger, and wasn’t always the most mature person. Like you, I never stooped this low either, but just because he WAS a bigger jerk than me does not mean I get to fling around the term “abusive” when it doesn’t apply. Don’t equivocate.

          I don’t believe character is static. You can have a shitty character at one point in your life and then grow. Characters can change and improve. To say that there is no way whatsoever that this OP could ever be a better person than he was when he pulled this, is not only unfair, it’s untrue. Going back to my original point that we simply cannot define people by the jerkiest thing they ever might have done (barring, as I mentioned above, actual abusers.)

          For the love of God, stop expecting everybody to be perfect! As if you all have never hurt someone. How would you feel if somebody who’s feelings you hurt (non-abusively) 10 years ago, either through immaturity or what have you, started saying that you were an abusive monster?

          Most of us fuck up in our lives, and some of those mistakes can be massive and really bad. That doesn’t automatically mean that the person who messed up is a horrible monster. You can understand this basic concept of human psychology without excusing their bad behavior.

          1. Mary*

            I’m not judging him solely for “making a mistake”: I’m mostly judging him because ten years on he talks about it entirely in terms of the impact on him and his convenience, with no particular weight given to the impact on her. Completely agree that people change: I just see zero evidence in this letter that the OP has.

          2. Elizabeth H.*

            “I’m getting very tired of people appropriating the word ‘abusive’ to cover absolutely everything hurtful, as though anytime someone gets their feelings hurt, automatically that means the person who hurt them is an abuser. That’s offensive and inaccurate. You cannot co-opt the term ‘abuse’ to mean ‘anything that hurts my feelings'”

            Yes! I couldn’t agree more. With all of your words here and elsewhere. The amount of time the word ‘abuse’ gets thrown around here and elsewhere is staggering. It used to be reserved for actions equivalent to kicking a dog.

          3. Mina*

            Sure, nobody’s perfect. But usually ten years after the fact, most people can reflect on their mistakes, no matter how horrible, and feel some regret for those who were hurt by them or wish they’d done things better. OP’s lack of self-reflection and disdainful, dismissive view of Sylvia reasonable reaction to his disappearance after that amount of time are why readers are having incredibly negative reactions. What he did wasn’t illegal, but a lot of horrible things people do aren’t illegal, and we’re not obligated to put up with it.

            If he’d been remorseful and understanding of the impact, like the LW who was jealous of her co-worker, my reception would have been much different.

            1. Elizabeth H.*

              >> But usually ten years after the fact, most people can reflect on their mistakes, no matter how horrible, and feel some regret for those who were hurt by them or wish they’d done things better.
              How can you read a lack of regret into his letter? It was brief and he stated the simple facts of the matter. You are imagining that you know his exact thoughts and feelings when there is no evidence one way or the other. You can’t read his mind, it is pure construction and fantasy on readers’ part.

              >>OP’s lack of self-reflection and disdainful, dismissive view of Sylvia reasonable reaction to his disappearance after that amount of time are why readers are having incredibly negative reactions.
              What specifically in the letter leads you to conclude that he has a “disdainful, dismissive” view of Sylvia? Again, I think this is a completely imagined idea.

              1. Mina*

                Calling Sylvia’s reaction to his disappearance “emotional and obsessed” rings of insensitivity to me, along with how he omitted the detail of the relationship being long-term and committed at first. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable conclusion to draw that he still hasn’t considered how his actions have deeply hurt her.

                I don’t think it’s difficult to be brief and be contrite at the same time. I’m not asking for a novel. But the letter, to me, only seems to have regret for himself, and not for how he’s hurt others. That’s all.

      6. AMT27*

        Totally agree Anon – this characterizing of the OP is NOT helpful. And he wrote in asking for a specific type of help – he wasn’t required to bare his soul and talk about how much he is or isn’t sorry. He is owning up to what he did and trying to deal with the consequences as best he can. Give the guy some credit! God forbid any of us ever be defined by the worst things we ever did…

      7. Elizabeth H.*

        Thank you. I do not understand the impulse to become the moral police. This is supposed to be a web site about work advice. That’s what makes it interesting and not just the same relationship advice you get in every single other advice column ever.

  157. JS*

    While what LW did was bad and unforgivable, I dont see why he should be the one in this situation to find a new job. Is it because she is going to be his boss? If anything he is in a position to stay on as he has been working with the school for a while now. Its an uncomfortable situation but depending on the country and labor laws if the boss did anything retaliatory/slanderous about him, he could sue tbh.

    Although its been 10 years, while I would not tell Sylvia to “get over it” and we dont know the whole story, I think they should be able to be adults enough to get along together at work.

    1. SarahKay*

      Yeah, she wouldn’t need to be slanderous. She could just tell the absolute truth “After two years of us living together I got back from visiting my family at Christmas to find that he’d packed up and left without a word”. I would think that would give most people pause.

      Oh, and if she wants proof it’s not slander – well, his letter telling the whole world about it is right here….

      1. MissDisplaced*

        Yes, well SO WHAT?
        Being a world class jerk asshole is not criminal. And people have all sorts of messy personal relationships and sex lives they might want to run away from–rightly or wrongly. NONE OF WHICH have any bearing on how someone does their actual job you know.

        1. LadyPhoenix*

          Except she could use the breakup and this letter as justifications, as I started above:
          Irresponsible, selfish, easy to throw excuses for himself and blame to others, and most likely to run away without any notice should the situation become too stressful instead of communicating.

          1. President Porpoise*

            Frankly, I’d give some serious side-eye to someone who used this letter as evidence of fireable behavior. It was 10 years ago, legal, and personal. Rightly or wrongly, I’d think Sylvia was looking for petty revenge, and I’d be kinda grossed out. Yeah, OP did wrong, and it may be appropriate for him to work elsewhere. But it would be unprofessional for Sylvia to fire him without warning based on a personal clash (with no legal repercussions) that occurred a decade ago. If she wanted to professionally manage him out based off of awkward interpersonal relations or some other business related cause, sure.

            1. SarahKay*

              Sorry, I was perhaps not clear in my original comment. I don’t think Sylvia should fire him. I’m in the UK and I’m pretty sure it’s not even an option here, so it never really occurs to me as a reasonable response.
              I was really just pointing out that slander (even if Sylvia did try to retaliate, which is all speculation at this point) would not apply in this case. Slander would only apply if Sylvia was lying about OP to cause him trouble.

          2. MissDisplaced*

            Breaking up with someone is not criminal. Walking out without telling is not criminal or justification to get OP fired. In fact, this is what many women are told to do if the relationship is toxic or abusive. Just leave.
            Sure, OP might be a total jerkwad for leaving… but maybe there were valid unsaid reasons too. People have messy ugly relationships.

            I once left a druggie boyfriend exactly that same way. Just left while he was at work and didn’t tell him where I was going. I was simply DONE and just had to get out immediately and cut all ties without confrontation or get sucked back in. I do not feel bad about it, but I would certainly be freaked and upset if he showed up at my work to be my boss 20 years later.

        3. Not a criminal either.*

          You don’t have to commit a crime to get fired from a job. You can just not be very good at the job. Or make a hostile or toxic work environment for your co-workers. What does ‘criminal’ have to do with anything?

    2. MicroManagered*

      I think it’d be the decent thing to do. But even if you don’t buy that it’s the decent thing to do, he’s going to find himself on the losing-end of a pretty steep power differential with someone he seriously wronged. That’s just not a smart position to place yourself in if it can be avoided.

    3. Jessie the First (or second)*

      1. Where do you get “slanderous”? It’s not slander if it is true. (As in, on a legal level, you are allowed to say true things about people.)
      2. He’s a teacher. One of many. She, on the other hand, is the boss – a higher-up, THE director. It’s harder to fill positions for the upper levels. His years of experience at the school? That’s not going to be more valuable than the director of the whole friggin’ thing. The middle manager is not as valuable to the company as the COO, you know?
      3. Part of this is about what is right, what is decent, what is moral. What is decent is that when you wrong someone, you try to make amends. People are suggesting here that he make amends by looking around for a new job.

      1. Stop That Goat*

        She’s also a newbie to the school though. I’m not sure that logic necessarily holds about her being more indispensable. She’s never actually worked there.

        1. Jessie the First (or second)*

          Right, and I don’t know how international schools go so maybe it is honestly hard to get teachers and easy to get directors. In general, in many industries and fields, top level positions are simply harder to fill. I suppose the international school scene may be different.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      On a moral/personal level, he’s the one who committed the wrong, so he should take the bullet.

      On a professional level, regardless of who’s in the wrong, the company is going to want to keep management over employees. It just so happens that both sides of the issue position OP as the one who needs to cut his losses.

    5. Delphine*

      It’s because he asked for options and that’s one of them–and you reap what you sow. All adults learn that actions have consequences, even if they come 10 years later.

  158. Agent Diane*

    Not sure I’ve seen this anywhere, but OP mentions it’s a tight-knit social scene tied to the job. Has OP been sharing the story about how he did a midnight flit from a woman as an ‘amusing’ anecdote to this group? If so, there is almost no way for Sylvia to hold authority professionally when her new colleagues have been laughing about her unknowingly. And I can’t see how it won’t come out that she was the victim of his “amusing story”.

    So OP may want to include a line in his note reassuring her that he *hasn’t* been using her in that way, and that he will not be telling anyone. Assuming he hasn’t.

    1. London Calling*

      And reading that he hasn’t been using this as an ‘amusing story’ if Sylvia is anything like me, will make her assume immediately that that is what he has done. After all, he didn’t show a GREAT deal of consideration for her and her feelings when he took off, did he? and frankly OP, without wishing to add to the pile on, you sound like the sort of person who would find recounting that funny.

      1. Agent Diane*

        True. Maybe save it for the first conversation but I’d be constantly thinking “do all these people know? Are they secretly laughing about this?”

    2. Kathleen Adams*

      But…would anyone besides an absolute asshat hear “I was involved with and lived with this woman for three years, but when I decided to break up, I waited until she went home for Christmas, moved out and just disappeared from her life just to avoid some drama” and think, “LOL – that’s hilarious! I have no respect for that woman!”? I don’t think so. If anybody, even someone I cared about, told me he or she had done this, I’d think and almost certainly say “That was awful. How could you do such a thing?” My sympathy would be entirely with the stranger who had been abandoned.

      1. LadyPhoenix*

        Trust me, some people will let their buddies get away with pillaging, looting, and murder. It’s called the “Missing Stair”.

        1. Kathleen Adams*

          Sure – that’s why I qualified my statement with “besides an absolute asshat.” :-) All I’m saying is that unless the OP works with a bunch of absolute asshats, I am reasonably sure there aren’t a bunch of people working there whose reaction to a recital of the OP’s relationship with Sylvia would be, “Dude! That’s hilarious! What an idiot Sylvia must be!” Most people’s reaction would be much closer to “That’s not funny at all. Man, OP must be a horrible person, or at least he was 10 years ago.”

  159. Harold*

    Jesus, dude. Take it from someone with a job that has me living abroad and moving countries frequently: what you did was beyond the pale, and she in no way overreacted by contacting your family and friends to see why her live-in partner of three years disappeared without a trace. I don’t think your letter shows that you understand how damaging your actions were, nor how ugly it could get for you if your colleagues find out what you did. You can’t keep that job.

    1. Op is not a monster*

      We don’t know if Sylvia crossed the line from reasonable to obsessed like OP stated, Alison brought this up in her response as well.

      Yes contacting OP’s friends and family “have you seen or heard from OP I haven’t heard from him and all his stuff is gone” is reasonable, but contacting friends and family after Sylvia was told he doesn’t want to be with you and if Sylvia kept contacting them over and over would be unreasonable.

  160. Andy*

    I once ghosted on someone after a few weeks of dating in college and I still feel bad about it over 10 years later. This guy is basically a monster.

  161. MathOwl*

    That’s not what I think, no. What I feel is a problem is when people color all men as being assholes because they had bad experiences in the past. Not all men are jerks. So when someone in a letter sounds inconsiderate or cold, I don’t see why we’d need to assume it’s a man. Why not just use the default female voice as we normally do here?

    I know Alison said this OP is a guy however, so it makes sense for people to say “he” in this case.

    2. Student*

      This is a small potatoes thing to argue about with this specific letter. Incredibly small potatoes. Pick a different hill to die on.

      When we don’t unambiguously know the gender, people are going to use one of two pronouns to describe the unknown person, because there are only two widely-used and understood pronoun choices in English. So you’re already only going to bat 50%-50% on male-female pronouns just from that.

      Next, there’s a very long history in English of defaulting to the male pronoun when gender is ambiguous/unassigned/unknown. This is deeply culturally ingrained/taught/historical. On top of that, it usually serves men’s interests to the detriment of women – and you don’t get to magically opt out of all the privileges of being the default-gender-pronoun when the unknown person suddenly, inconveniently, did something bad.

      Next, people will use context clues to assign the gender. Sylvia is a woman’s name, and we are discussing Sylvia’s romantic partner. LGBT people only make up about 4% of the population, so we’re batting ~96% odds this anonymous (until AAM specified explicitly) OP is a guy. Lots of non-LGBT people get annoyed by the hetero-normative fuss over stuff like this precisely because the odds are overwhelming that the people are hetero. I’ll back you when you want freedoms heteros have, respect and human decency in public and your private life, and reasonable representation in media and similar. But this kind of thing is a serious uphill swim, and you know full well there’s no drop of malicious intent in the assumption they’re hetero.

      And, additional context clue that you especially won’t like – both men and women do terrible things, but men are responsible for more more severe and more frequent anti-social behavior than women. We virtually never speak of this, because it feels sexist to say it out loud, and it is sexist to use such statistical information against any specific man. However, men are massively over-represented in most crimes, in the most severe crimes, and in jail/prison stats. If we’re talking about somebody gender-unspecificed who did something wildly anti-social, it probably is a man, and the odds are not close. For what it’s worth, I hope and believe it’s just as cultural as the lack of female athletes was before title IX went into force – you aren’t destined to violence or other bad behavior because of your chromosomes – but it won’t change unless we acknowledge the gender gap here and try addressing it. Wash over it at your own gender’s peril.

      1. MathOwl*

        You know, I actually think this is an important debate to have, despite what you seem to be saying.
        I can tell however this is derailing, my comment was only meant as a reply to a much earlier one in a section that has now been closed. So I’ll wrap up here.

  162. Shiny Door Knob*

    I am not excusing OP’s actions. What OP did was horrible and wrong. However, Sylvia needs to remain professional. It wouldn’t reflect well on her to start going around and telling the small community what OP did so many years ago when they were very young and ridiculously naive about relationship norms. It has nothing to do with work. If my new manager came over to me and started ranting about a love affair gone awry 10,000 years ago with a fellow co-worker, I would seriously think she is crazy and out of touch.

    1. phillykate*

      What OP did isn’t a relationship norm, it’s morale. He straight up ABANDONED her after years of dating. Not one bad date. YEARS. That would leave a lasting psychological effect on anyone.

    2. Jessie the First (or second)*

      Well, sure, but, like, that’s not what is happening here, at all? We are not advising someone whose ex is gossiping to everyone and ranting to his coworkers. It’s not “What do I do! my boss is telling everyone what I did 10 years ago and ranting about me to everyone I work with!” It’s “I did a really crappy to someone, and now she is going to be my boss, what do I do?” Sylvia needs to do her best to remain professional, but that’s advice I would give to Sylvia, and Sylvia has not written for advice. OP has – and the advice to OP is, this is going to be monumentally awkward, may be hurtful, and the safest and best and decent bet for you is to prepare to get a new job.

      (Also, on behalf of my once young and naive self, let’s not chalk this up to “naive about relationship norms” – I was young and naive once, and I understood that packing up and leaving my live-in partner without a trace while said partner was away for a few days would be horribly, horribly wrong.)

    3. MashaKasha*

      I’d imagine no one on here thinks that OP is in any danger of that happening. That is not the question here. The question is how OP is going to continue working as Sylvia’s subordinates, and how Sylvia will be able to perform her duties as his manager, which include honest support and concern for OP’s professional development, after what happened.

      I can rack my brain and think of a short list of two or three people that have wronged me in spectacular ways. (None of them ex-lovers.) I would not be able to work as these people’s supervisor. I would not trust myself to have their best interests in mind. Luckily, it is a really short list and the likelihood of that ever happening is zero.

    4. SarahKay*

      Excusing OP by calling them “very young and ridiculously naive” about relationship norms is a bit much. Someone points out upthread that he’s a graduate, and lived with OP for two years, so he has to be at least 24-25 which isn’t really very young. And I’m pretty sure I would have been all of…ooh, let’s say ten by the time that I knew that just walking out on someone, at Christmas, with no warning or note would be a horrible way to behave.
      As for Sylvia, we have no way of knowing how she will react at this time, but I will say if she can remain professional with OP after the way he behaved then she is a hero!

    5. Delphine*

      Where did any of that happen though? Sylvia hasn’t even made it on the scene…though by the way this is spreading, I have a feeling the poor woman probably knows this is about her, now.

      1. AJHall*

        Sylvia is now, I sincerely hope, in a bar, with all her friends around her, and a sympathetic waiter hovering at her elbow going, “He did WHAT?”

    6. Observer*

      What makes you think that Sylvia would just go over to random people and start ranting about the OP? Even is she specifically wanted drag his name through the mud so badly that he could never get a job in the expat communities of his current country and the adjacent countries, she wouldn’t need to do that.

      The reality is that this could go very badly for the OP even if Sylvia stays completely professional, never mentions their history while at work, and only communicates with him on work related matters.

  163. John-Peter Melle*

    Honestly I wouldn’t even apologize because it’d be meaningless given the circumstances. I think the right thing to do here is to genuinely offer to resign and see what she says.

  164. FormerOP*

    I was an expat too for a long time. There is something about that life that makes some people sometimes act like they live in a world without consequences.
    I have also been on the receiving end of bad behavior from a boyfriend, when we were in a similar stage of life as the OP and Sylvia when he “ghosted.” In short, his friends were pretty cruel about some of my friends and my ex took the side of his friends. A year or so after we broke up, I got an email from him to apologize. It really did make things better to get an apology. So, OP, if you can sincerely apologize (and I mean really apologize) do it. It won’t make the past right and it won’t get you a job. It is just the right thing to do.
    As for the job, get out of there. Yes, you might have to leave the country, it will cost you money. There are always the English teacher jobs abroad. The money is crap, but you won’t starve. These are the consequences.

    1. Becky*

      And actually, depending on your qualifications and what program you do it with—some English teaching jobs abroad pay very well.

  165. MM2ss*

    Well, what a wonderful picture has been painted.

    I just wanted to express my views as someone who has had to work with people I completely loathed. As in seriously loathed and despised, to the point I would seriously consider turning my back to them if addressed by them in a non-work situation instead of responding.

    First, for those saying things like, “she should fire him as soon as she gets in her office”. I would disagree. That, in and of itself would be highly unprofessional. I wouldn’t counsel a Sailor for running a red light while he was home on liberty nor would I assign such a person to EMI (extra military instruction). That is something outside the realm that is applicable to the job. You take job related corrective measures (even up to termination) for job related issues, not personal issues. No matter how severely those personal issues may have impacted you.

    Secondly, LW… You seriously messed up. This is the sort of behavior that got me woken up at 0200 hours to answer a phone call from a hysterical partner looking for their SO. Not “cool”… As for what you should do, your options are limited. I would say you should try to make contact, a letter or email with an offer to talk in person or on the phone. You need to find how this past history will influence your work life, the sooner the better. I will not get into the ethics of your prior relationship, and will leave how you address that to you. Once you have made contact and found what sort of working relationship the two of you can have (or not have), you can plan from there. It is possible that the lady is a coldly professional person at work who can fully separate professional and personal matters. If so, you might be able to continue working and maybe even prove that you are a competent and trustworthy employee, thus saving your position. The other extreme would be that the lady has no separation at all, in which case you might need to be job hunting yesterday. More likely, I would suspect she is somewhere in the middle. You may have something of a “grace period” to prove you are a decent person at work, which may buy you more time to job hunt or to further build up your professional credibility with her.

    No matter what, you need to establish contact ASAP. Email or a letter would be my suggestion, as a phone call or face to face could easily “blow up” in a hurry. Make a face to face or phone meeting her option. How to write such a communication? I have no idea really. Any apology is likely to sound self serving at best. Any explanation is likely to sound like an attempt to deflect blame. If I had to write a person in such a situation I think the best approach might be to go for an entirely professional point of view. You are, as of now, a potential “problem employee” in her eyes (most likely). The ball is in your court, if you don’t score real soon, you will lose any and all initiative and be forced only to react, which further limits your options. Making contact MIGHT give you more options or buy you some time. As for an apology, if you mean it, give one, if you do not, don’t…nothing seems to irritate people more than being wronged and then getting a form apology.

    Lastly, just to be clear. I am not condoning or defending the behavior. Just speaking from the point of view of a person that had to work with people I utterly hated and how that forced me to establish clear boundaries between work and the rest of my life. My personal approach now is to not mix the two at all if possible and when it is not possible to keep them separate to mix them as little as possible.

    1. CodingFool*

      I guess it depends on what level of importance you assign to character. Many here seem to think it’s irrelevant to the job, but I strongly disagree. Since this is a teaching job involving children, I would consider character of paramount importance. I’d consider callous, willful disregard of others’ a significant shortcoming.

      And running a red light is a terrible comparison to what he did. Come on.

  166. Sharry*

    Karma, I am afraid. You can only hope that she has not been left permanently scared by your behaviour.

  167. GHOSTING EXPERT*

    I could only read through some of the comments, but from what I can tell, most everyone is telling you youre a bad person and to just apologize and take your lumps. Screw that noise. You know you were wrong and why you did it, so move on. If you want to be the best most upstanding person ever, apologize and offer to resign and just deal with the consequences. BUT, if you want to make this as painless and interesting as possible do the following.

    Try to date her again. If she rejects you, keep trying. This will allow her to get back at you by “rejecting” you. Which is better than getting back at you by making your life a living hell. She still might do that, but she won’t be able to focus on it as much and she will be flattered. Maybe also disgusted and pissed, but part of her will still be flattered at the gall.
    Next, Keep looking for a new job. If she says yes to your advances, become the best boyfriend you can be. Flowers, coffee all that jazz. Once you find a new job, make a decision. Either you are ready for a relationship now and she’s the one, or you just ghost on her again. Depending on how she reacts to all of this, I pick ghost if she dates you but is still psycho/hung up about the previous ghosting. If you end up together, GREAT STORY!

    2. Andrea*

      How do we know Sylvia is single or interested in giving a former long term partner a second chance? I wouldn’t advocate trying to date the boss either. Awful idea. He needs to own his mess and man up. If that means moving on, so be it.

      1. teclatrans*

        Oh, god, I hope it’s satire, but if so, it falls afoul of the John Scalzi dictum, “the failure mode of clever is asshole.” Satire, in particular, reads like additional weight and ammo for the wrong side of an issue if not done successfully. (Although Stephen Colbert showed us that satire can also call out nastiness to one audience while being embraced and taken as confirmation by it’s intended targets.)

    9. Gadfly*

      Sexually harassing the new boss is bad at the best of times. It is obscenely stupid under these circumstances.

    10. JustaLurker*

      This is possibly the worst advice I have ever seen on ANY subject! Just completely WRONG in every sense of the word.

  168. Andrea*

    I need to see a follow up here after he talks to Sylvia. Something tells me he won’t though.
    Yeah, lived together 2 years and were together 3 and just ghosted? Leaving this woman wondering if you died, caught the package, etc.? He may as well find work elsewhere. And if by some miracle Sylvia took the Iyanla road to forgiveness, any criticism of his work she may have, his guilty conscience is going to associate it with the messiness he created a decade ago.

    1. MashaKasha*

      Good point, no way can they have a functional working relationship with this kind of past.

  169. Chriama*

    I sympathize with OP here. I’m imagining myself in his shoes: I’m young and not always comfortable having difficult conversations. I have limited relationship experience. I’m in a relationship with someone who wants me to commit to marriage, and I’m not sure I’m ready. Plus we’re both in a foreign country and at the start of our careers which might take us in totally different directions. I don’t know if I love them enough to turn down opportunities for them, or ask them to turn down opportunities for me. I see a possible means of escape. I’m young and egotistical enough to not recognize how damaging and hurtful it would be to me to experience something like this – I just know the feeling of relief I get when I think about how I won’t have to say “yes” or “no” or explain *why* I’m not ready to commit. So I leave, embarrassed yet relieved. The fallout is actually pretty awkward, but I can kind of ignore it since none of it is in person. I feel a little guilty but as things settle down I forget about it. Time goes on and I just bury it in my past – everyone has crap like this in their past, right? I’m not proud of what I did but I don’t think about it often and there’s nothing I can do about it now, right? I’ve moved on and she has to have moved on after all this time too…

    OP, you did a terrible thing. You can’t justify or minimize that to yourself. Maybe you could have lived your life with this buried in the past but circumstances didn’t permit that. So now you have to move forward. I think you should reach out ahead of time, tell her you didn’t want to be blindsided and that if she wants to meet or talk with you you’re willing. Acknowledge that what you did was wrong but don’t apologize because it will ring false. And then start looking for another job because I don’t think this one will last. Sometimes the consequences of our actions can’t be mitigated.

    1. Courtney*

      “Limited relationship experience” seems like a strange explanation for someone in a three year relationship who has been living with his girlfriend for two of those years. I’d be able to sympathize more if he realized how truly awful he behaved, but instead he’s just acting like she was some crazy ex to get upset when her live in boyfriend up and disappeared without a word.

  170. Desdecardo*

    Karma is a very painful mistress.

    When you abandoned Sylvia all those years ago, you did something so harmful towards someone else without facing any of the consequences back then. Now, it all comes rushing back at you.

    My advice is to don’t let anyone else know besides you and Sylvia. Make a light apology and leave it.

    If she’s a better person than you (which she sounds like she is) she will let it stay burried. She won’t trust you. You may actually be able to save your job if for the remainder of the term.

    She can also be vindictive and ruin your life. One slip up and your real life will be destroyed. No one is going to want to be around a cad. Especially one on your level of cadiness.

    Just look at the responses on here. You really came off like a gold plated terd.

  171. Employment Lawyer*

    Wow, a lot of very strong poorly-thought-out righteousness here.

    Out of curiosity, which company would you rather work at?

    1) A company where
    a) your managers will fire an employee for being an asshole when breaking up, a decade ago; and/or
    b) the employee is expected to resign because they were an ass a decade ago; and/or
    c) the employee is expected to open themselves up to deeply personal and non-work-related conversations and explain their old non-work behavior in order to keep their job.

    2) A company where your managers and employees are expected to act like grownups and do their job, which you are paying them to do and which they have contracted to do.

    Me, I prefer #2. So should everyone else.

    Another question: Imagine OP is the manager, and was considering firing the dumped EE. Would your answer change?

    1. MissDisplaced*

      I must say, I had those thoughts.
      Even though LW was and might still be a complete and total ass of the century, it’s not right to be forced out or fired from your job over a sour relationship from 10 years ago either. People have all sorts of weird things in their personal sex lives that they might want to run from–rightly or wrongly. But that is their private sex life NOT THEIR JOB.

      SOMEONE needs to tell “Sylvia” that OP works there ASAP. Personally, I think this someone should be HR or the hiring manager who is hiring Sylvia as they would be an impartial party and the employer should know what’s going on. It may well be that Sylvia wouldn’t even want the job had she known this, as most people try to avoid working with Ex’s like the plague. Either way, this surely sucks for both of them.

    2. Mary*

      Its weird that you’ve made this about what the *organisation* should or shouldn’t do, when the OP is asking what *he* should do and most of the advice is about that.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        Well, sadly this now very much does involve the organization if they’ve hired her and she will be the OP’s boss.

        It’s unfortunate “Sylvie” hadn’t known this before she accepted the job, as most people try to avoid working with all Ex’s. Who would want to be blindsided by that?

    3. Not So NewReader*

      1 ) But it’s not a company expectation. It’s a social expectation. Society expects people who treat another badly to eventually just leave that person alone. While we probably can get a bunch of people who don’t like or trust each other to work together it’s probably not in the best interest of the company to push that envelope.

      2) Kind of a rhetorical question and it’s very general so applying it to this situation may or may not work out.

      I don’t think we get to tell everyone on this blog that they should be okay working with their ex. Again, that may or may not be appropriate advice depending on the situation.

      We are supposed to focus on the question at hand and not deviate too far into hypotheticals. It’s really not that helpful to the OPs.

      1. Mina*

        Me too. I worked somewhere where character didn’t seem to count as much, and it was demoralizing as hell. The places where character counted for something have been much more pleasant.

  172. MusicMan*

    I think that the writer might also want to contact some other higher-up administrator at the school (such as an asst. director) and fill that person in on the situation, so that there is a third party who knows what’s going on. If Sylvia comes in and starts making the writer’s life horrible, it will offer some protection against having his professional reputation sullied and impugned if people know Sylvia is settling a personal score, not a professional one. Not that he necessarily doesn’t deserve to be roasted alive for his personal behavior, of course.

  174. ShakingMyDamnHead*

    The lack of self-reflection in the OPs post is such a red flag (and really upsetting). He claims to have been “young and immature,” yet never once in the past ten years did he make the choice to reach out to the partner he abandoned and make amends. He talks about how she was obsessive after this “break-up” without acknowledging that he literally abandoned his partner of three years without any kind of sign of life. There is a lot of growing up and maturing to do. I don’t get the sense that this guy is at all actually SORRY about what he did or what pain he caused this woman; he’s simply worried about his reputation and how it will affect him in the present.

    There’s a suggestion up top that you, OP, reach out to this woman and let her know ahead of time that you’ll be working together. I think that’s a great idea. Contact her and acknowledge your behavior and that you understand you likely caused her an indescribable amount of pain (that is, of course, if you actually DO understand that and judging by your original letter, it looks a lot like you still have some figuring out to do on that front). Unfortunately, you’re the one who caused this situation and out of respect, you will need to be willing to accommodate her. It would be completely unfair and mostly CRUEL of you to force her to either give up this work opportunity or put up with you if she doesn’t feel like it’s emotional baggage she can put up with every day.

  175. Nugget*

    Oof. I had a similar experience to Sylvia’s with an ex girlfriend who, after living together for 2 years, moved her stuff out of our apartment while I was in another state taking the bar exam. It hurt, real bad, and though it’s been years and I’m now happily married, it still stings a bit — as others have said, this kind of behavior makes you question the validity of the entire relationship, and oftentimes the questioning and mistrust carries over to new relationships.

    All this to say, I’m having trouble sympathizing with OP. A person isn’t “obsessive” because they have a temporary freak out over an unexpected break up, especially if they weren’t given any closure. I mean, OP could have at least sent an e-mail. I think the only thing to do now is communicate with her that you are embarrassed and ashamed by the way you behaved with her, and that you’ll do whatever it takes to take on the burden of this awkwardness, even if it means looking for a new job. I would gauge whether to go into a full fledged apology based on her reaction to the first communication. If you lead with an apology it could come off as arrogant and condescending, especially if she still harbors resentment.

  176. JanetInSC*

    LW, I would quit before she arrives. Line up a good recommendation from the previous director, invent a reasonable excuse, and leave. I would also send a letter to the woman you left and explain that you are leaving in deference to her feelings. I don’t think you can salvage this situation. This woman may be able to forgive you (not many would) or she may fire you outright, or worse…such as setting you up as a pedophile or an abuser of students. (Hell hath no fury……) Please accept the fact that life has thrown you Karmic curve ball and make the steps to begin anew. Good luck.

  177. victoria.o.o.o*

    Your options, as I see them:

    (1) for the emotionally mature – have the uncomfortable convo ahead of time, as Alison suggests. apologize, but realize that it’s too little too late for that, most likely. take full responsibility of the consequences of your past action.

    (2) for the (still) emotionally immature – ghost again – like, right now. like today.

  178. Newlywed*

    I think the thing that would actually be the most mature and gracious would be to resign now, before Sylvia starts, and spare Sylvia any more pain from the OP. That’s pretty much the only course of action that would start to demonstrate true consideration for her feelings, IMO. People need to understand that their actions have consequences. Not in a karmic sense, but in a sense that if you go through life treating people as objects, without recognizing their inherent dignity or humanity, it’s going to eventually catch up with you, as it has here. Leave before you do further damage and chalk it up to learning a difficult life lesson.

    1. Phil Buggen*

      YEah….. what would you do if your husband or wife quit their family-sustaining job due to an uncomfortable breakup a few years back, and came home and said we have to leave the country because of my ex? I’m guessing it would not be pretty.

  179. Aaron*

    In that situation I would acknowledge my past mistakes and ask for forgiveness from her. Yeah what you did was wrong but people it was over 10 years ago! People can be dramatically different after a decade. You can’t change what happened but you shouldn’t just uproot your life because of how things turned out. Try to mend things and if it doesn’t work let bygones be bygones. Don’t let someone or something control how you live.

    1. Aphrodite*

      The problem with the OP doing it now rather than at any time in the past ten years is that it is obvious it is only being done to save his job, not because he means it.

    2. Mina*

      Over 10 years ago, and he still refers to Sylvia’s reaction as “emotional and obsessed.” He has little idea of how badly his actions have impacted her, and doesn’t seem to care outside of how this will impact himself.

      That’s why readers are reacting so strongly. OP hasn’t reflected a lot on his actions.

  184. Misha*

    That sucks man. In the immediate sense, I feel for you. Tough situation, I’m sorry.

    But on the other hand, ghosting someone after 3 years is a rough, rough move. A really rare level of rough. Very few people out there who would pull that – most people wouldn’t have the mental constitution to do that to someone they’ve been with for three years.

    I understand that you might want to find a good and relatively painless way out, but how about this: would you want someone who did what you did to find a good and relatively painless way out? No, because nobody wants to live in a world that works like that. So move on, figure out what to do next, use this as a very specific yet excellent lesson on how behave like a decent guy, and appreciate that there is nothing wrong with this turning your life to shit for a bit.

    Good luck man.

  185. Undine*

    OP, you need to think long and hard about *your* ability to work with Sylvia. It seems like you had a pattern with her of avoiding difficult conversations and not taking responsibility for your actions. If you stay, what are you going to do to overcome those habits? Will you be able to treat her professionally if she criticizes you or takes an approach to the school that you don’t like, or will your view of her as “emotional” color you view of everything she does now and prompt you to undermine her? Because if you double down and fall back into old ways, you could easily make a bad situation much much worse for both of you. If you cannot support Sylvia as the new director, then you can really do damage, not only to both of you, but to the health of the school.

    1. Agent Diane*

      +100.

      If OP and Slyvie do find a way to start the term at the same workplace, OP needs to do some careful planning on how to respond maturely to her setting expectations and picking him up on performance issues without it turning quickly into a decade-old acrimonious break-up.

  186. Rocky*

    I have been Sylvia -adjacent and for me it was salvageable. I dated someone seriously for about a year, he broke up with me (but at least he did so via email so I wasn’t left hanging) then more than ten years later we had to work together as representatives of our respective agencies. Before our first meeting he reached out to me via email, apologised for the awkwardness and said something like ‘I’m sure we can keep things strictly professional’. When I first walked into the meeting room I was acutely aware of him (and yes, I am shallow enough that I took particular care with my appearance that day!). However by the third meeting we had both relaxed and were simply focused on the project – in fact we got to a place of comfortable banter rather quickly.

    So take heart, OP! Two mature professionals can sometimes put these things behind them.

    1. Gadfly*

      Except, based on this letter, we only seem to have the hope of one (Silvia). OP isn’t coming across as anywhere near that point.

  187. Yada Yada Yada*

    People have this image of teachers being these super responsible, sweet, perfect little people, but let me tell ya. I hang out with a huge group of teachers and they can be crazy! Usually in a good way and I love them to death, but the stories I could tell…. It’s funny that people usually imagine teachers to be mature and book-ish (think: Mr. Feenie) when sometimes Jack Black from School of Rock is a little more accurate. Another example of this: Lawyers. But x1,000,000,000. Lawyers are insane

    1. Muriel Heslop*

      I am a teacher married to a lawyer and this is largely true (YMMV).

      Really, I don’t have much contact with my principal on a daily basis and the teachers in my department less so. I’m a department head, he leaves me alone, and my teachers deal with me and one assistant principal much more than they do the principal. School dynamics can be volatile. Some fellow teachers and I were texting about this story last night and we were sort of depressed to realize that in the grand scheme of school-based drama we didn’t find this story to be especially egregious.

  188. Chance*

    Hopefully, Sylvia has moved on emotionally only to look at this situation as a blessing in disguise. She did not marry someone who has no morals or regard to other people’s feelings. I would not make him move on I would be the bigger more mature person and make him face me everyday. I would be professional at all times and always have a witness with me when I needed to talk to him so he can’t t say I was obsessively emotional and dramatic and holding a grudge. I would look him in the face daily ,with my head held high and with a screw you smirk on my face. No matter how I felt, I would handle this like a the professional the school board is paying me to be . My feelings about what happened would remain at the door. I would not have need to communicate with him unless it were necessary. If he were to contact me before starting my new job, I would let him know that you don’t know me and you are very arrogant to think I would still be upset or concerned about our fake relationship ten years ago. Even if I we’re still hurting, my PRIDE would be the reason I could not should any signs of still be affected by his actions many years later. I would not give him the satisfaction of giving a damn. Since he obviously didn’t!!!!!!

  191. Contact HR not Sylvia*

    Hello! There are a lot of comments on this post that are interesting and valid, but I’ve only read one so far that suggests OP contact a Human Resources person to disclose the situation. Having a former relationship with a coworker, supervisor, or supervisee constitutes a conflict of interest, and since Sylvia would have no reasonable way of knowing of this conflict, it’s OP’s responsibility to make the disclosure.

    I also disagree with the many suggestions that OP contact Sylvia directly. If I were in Sylvia’s position, I would not want to receive direct contact from OP, and would find it particularly unfair to be burdened with such contact in this case. I also think contacting Sylvia, rather than HR, would confuse personal with professional. On a personal level, yes, OP made a huge error in judgment, and there may be professional consequences for this, depending on his workplace’s policies and codes. However, the way to solve an interpersonal problem in the workplace is, I think, through the channels and procedures made available within your workplace, not by making personal contact with the object of your conflict.

    2. Gadfly*

      Keep reading–somewhere way down there a few people have pointed out that depending on the country it is not unusual for a lot of these international schools to not have anything at all HR-like. OP may be on his own.

  192. NecroFishmonger*

    This is not “ghosting”.

    This is “Resurrecting the undead by unholy blood sacrifice using ancient relics of unknown origin, asking a single question, then conducting a rite of the unquiet dead, killing the person with an overdose of amphetamine and epinephrine, then binding the tethered soul to a Hello Kitty doll you then turn into a chew toy for your pet shihtzu, who humps and chews it in equal measure.”

    I know that “ghosting” means to just leave without warning. But what this guy did is not ghosting.

    And let’s be clear, managing or being managed by a ghosted ex is one thing. This guy?

    I had to imagine a profane, unholy ritual of corpse reanimation and desecration to describe what this guy did.

    It’s not just the job he should be ditching at this point. My suggestion is: job, career, city, country, continent – in that order, because the minute this story gets out to literally any coworker, this guy’s career path flatlines so hard it would break the heart monitor.

    3. Flossie Bobbsey*

      Also on Daily Mail. Wonder if Sylvia will s this somewhere an recognize herself as the subject. Would probably nullify any apology OP is able to craft with heavy assistance.

      2. But you don't have an accent*

        I saw that! I was a little peeved that they did absolutely no work – they kept saying “the experts there” and “he” when referring to Alison’s answer…

  194. ThisGuy*

    In a topsy turvy unjust world, it’s nice to see that doing terrible things do sometimes still result in terrible consequences.

  195. Jess Michelson*

    Is no one going to point out that he had to GOOGLE her?! She’s most likely married if he didn’t recognize her name.

  196. Teresa*

    The OP did not simply ‘ghost’ Sylvia – he carried out a campaign of abuse against her (when he calls her ‘hysterical’ for reacting normally after he abandoned her without warning after a 3year relationship) Its called AVOIDANT ABUSE (and you can google it to find out more about avoidant abuse). It happened to me and l read up on it which helped so much… please if anyone has experienced this kind of abandonment please read books on AVOIDANT ABUSE to recover and heal.

    1. KR*

      We don’t know whether she reacted normally and frankly I don’t think there’s enough information in the letter to determine whether abuse took place. That also doesn’t answer the ops question which is what to do now.

  197. Allison*

    Abandonment is abuse, particularly as one has no closure and to another country to boot. If she was getting obsessive before the relationship ended it was most likely things he was doing to cause it. Sounds like he is either a narc or just very young and daft at the time. Depends on whether he’s done this to others. What he did was life changing ly devastating to this Lady. He should resign immediately. Karma has caught up with him!

  198. plynn*

    I’ll head over to Kickstarter to open the fund to get Sylvia some wine and maybe buy her side of the story. I call film rights.

  199. Fafaflunkie*

    The only response I can bring to this discussion is “wow.” As in how coincidental? Sure this is a bad break for OP, but she made the bed she’s now sleeping in. Hence the reason you don’t burn bridges no matter what the circumstance that brought you there.

  200. Mb13*

    This is real late to the party so it probably wont be seen by many. OP don’t take this job, just don’t. I generally don’t believe that life out side of work should be used to judge your job performance, but if I was you boss and your ex came to me and said “I just found out that my EX will join the team. We parted on awful terms, as he one day disappeared from our home with out leaving a note or any sign that this was a break up. Beside the difficult emotional tole it would be to work with my ex, I genuinely believe that his past actions demonstrate he is not a capable or trustworthy person for the job to invest in. As he has shown he rather take a drastic meager then deal with the drama of resolving a conflict” I would be heavily inclined to reconsider hiring you.

  201. Chickaletta*

    Maybe ghost back into the relationship??? No heads up, no warnings, just walk into the break room on her first day and continue a conversation from ten years ago. “Oh hey, Sylvia. Did you see 30 Rock last night? That Tina Fey should totally do movies! Oh damn, the coffee maker is on the fritz again.”

    1. Chickaletta*

      ^^joke above, in case anyone reads that as a serious suggestion. Although….

      PS: updates, naturally.

  202. DataSciManager*

    You’re not in a conundrum, you’re ina pile of crap of your own making.

    Contrary to others, if you want to protect your career leave now. If you try and leave in the term or later you’ll need a reference and if Sylvia will have a very hard time giving you a reasonable reference even if you’re the best teacher in the world.

  203. blondvillain*

    OP’s letter communicates nothing to warrant benefit of the doubt. They are clearly a callous asshole, of which the world already has more than it can bear. They deserve whatever awkwardness, discomfort, and inconvenience coming their way. The least they could do to atone would be to tender resignation immediately and “ghost” on their job to spare Sylvia any further discomfort as she begins her new position.

  204. Josh*

    Ghosting is dating someone extremely casually for AT MOST 6 months, and then suddenly ignoring their texts/calls. He literally abandoned this woman. 3 years and living with her! Then you straight up left the country while she was away on x-mas vacation?! That’s crazy!!! To be fair, despite how insane that is, if she’s right for a leadership position, then she shouldn’t let this affect the work place.

    I honestly don’t know how I’d approach this or WANT this to be handled (if I was Sylvia), but I do highly suggest contacting her before she shows up and gets the second biggest shock of her life (the first being when you abandoned her).

  205. BCP*

    You have lots of comments here. There’s a lot of good advice here. I just want to say — the advice I agree most with is that which starts with: You need to rethink your narrative on what happened, your role in it, her role in it, and how you express it. Your words tell me you probably need a therapist. I don’t say that in a mean way. I think therapy is good thing, not a punishment. I just mean if you sit with a professional to talk this through, with the benefit of hindsight/distance, you might come to better understand what happened, why it happened, and what to do now. Therapists are good at that. I’m not saying you’re sick in the head. I’m saying the way you describe what happened, I think you still lack the understanding of what happened in the past well enough to navigate what’s coming your way. Also, it might help if when you talk to her, you say “I’m in therapy now. I’m trying to figure out why I do what I do so I won’t do it in the future and because I know I am making mistakes.” Give it a try. You might find it helpful. And please, never use the verb “to ghost” in this story again. It does you no favors. For all kinds of reasons.

  206. Vaughnnegut*

    I love that the whole point of his submission is that he doesn’t want his life disrupted by this woman but the only reason it would be is because he devastatingly disrupted her life first. Karma’s a b*$@!, ain’t it?

  207. U.R. Selfcentered*

    You owe it to Sylvia to disappear again. This time before she arrives, and you make her relive the trauma you put her through. You weren’t ashamed to cut and run before. You are reaping what you have sown. And for Sylvia’s sake, you are getting exactly what you deserve. Do what you do best. Make yourself a ghost. Start over again somewhere else.

  208. LS*

    You left an important fact out of your original email – the length of your relationship. That tells me that you’re downplaying the seriousness of what you did, in your own head.

    Your description of her behaviour when you abandoned her – making it sound as though she had a hysterical overreaction – is more evidence that you don’t really want to acknowledge what you did.

    I also don’t see any signs of remorse or regret for what, really, was disgraceful behaviour on your part.

    You owe it to this woman to let her know beforehand that you will be there. And start looking for another job because she’d have to be Mother Theresa to keep you on her staff, after the way you treated her.

    Our past behaviour comes back to haunt us in unexpected ways, as you’re finding to your enormous disadvantage.

    Please don’t even consider sharing this story with your colleagues, particularly this sanitised version where you did a small bad thing and she turned into a hysterical, obsessive crazy person. That would taint your integrity and compound the original to a degree that you would never recover from.

    1. boop the first*

      That’s really it, isn’t it! OP would be getting SUCH A DIFFERENT response if there was even a shred of awareness apparent.

      1. Mina*

        Yeah, it would have been much different if he’d only taken out the “emotional and obsessed” description of Sylvia. I can’t believe that’s how he still thinks of her reaction to his actions after a decade!

  209. JamesEJ*

    It is time for the OP to ghost again. What an utterly psychotic way to leave another person. This is just one step shy of Gone Girl sociopathy. He cannot be effectively managed and should be advised to leave if he does not go on his own.

  210. MamaSarah*

    OP – acknowledged that this bridge is burnt to a crisp and be brave enough to initiate an adult conversation.
    For what it’s worth, I completely sabotaged a friendship a few years ago. We were friends for a decade, dated for 4 years, lived together for 3. I AM NEVER GETTING MY FRIENDSHIP BACK. It sucks. I found a way to move on and hope you do, too.

  211. Not So NewReader*

    OP, you asked how to stay in this job.
    1) Sincerely: Learn empathy for others. Train your brain to always ask, “What is it like to be this person?” Ask your self this question dozens of times a day.
    2) Be transparent in everything you do or say. Above board, totally professional at all times. Shut down your social media if you think you might slip up.
    3) Do everything that is asked of you.
    4) Take constructive criticism with grace and finesse.
    5) Speak of your boss in nothing but glowing terms. She’s great, even if she is so-so, your public face is that she is great.
    6) Think before you speak each time, every time, without fail.
    7) Since you are saying it’s a small community be prepared that someone, somewhere, knows what happened and they are talking about it. Prepare a brief statement that is similar to: “I was a jackass. She’s a great person and she did not deserve a jackass like I was.”
    8) Stay on top of your work so that no one needs to be concerned about having to speak to you about something.
    9) Prepare to move on to another job at some point within a year or so.

  212. former expat*

    I’m cringing in sympathy for Sylvia right now. I’ve worked abroad three times, and twice my school provided housing for me. I hope that Sylvia was in a similar living situation, so the OP’s abandonment didn’t deal her a staggering financial blow as well as a horrible emotional one.

    Those commenting who seem to think that OP’s behavior was acceptable and he did nothing wrong and it’s all on Sylvia to be a robot about it are boggling my mind.

    1. Gadfly*

      Western society loves martyrs and requires victims either be perfect saints or else decides they deserved it.

      Especially women There is a little more sympathy for the wronged man striking back.

      1. Former expat*

        I’m really not sure what you’re meaning to get at with this comment.

        I do believe that there are misogynistic overtones in the letter though, with the OP choosing to describe Sylvia as hysterical, overemotional, making a scene, etc, where actually she was probably devastated and frantic, and not unreasonably. In that case the letter is very gendered.

        1. Mina*

          I think Gadfly’s addressing the commenters who are speculating that Sylvia abused OP or was toxic to him as a reason why he left her the way he did (please correct me if I’m wrong).

          Like, there *has* to be something horribly wrong she did in order to get him to do this.*

          *I honestly don’t think Sylvia did anything of that magnitude, though. I sympathize very heavily with her.

          1. Gadfly*

            That and we always have some who think that if the victim responds with any anger or is anything but completely forgiving that they are a bad person and therefore equal or worse than the person who hurt them. All of the Sylvia ought to be a robot people…

    2. Mina*

      Yeah, it’s super disappointing. Especially those going ‘but everyone’s made mistakes before!’ OP had a job lined up and planned this. And from the letter he doesn’t seem to realize how terribly he’s hurt Sylvia, which would at least have softened my view toward him.

      1. Former expat*

        Yeah. And I want to note I’d have more compassion for the OP if it seemed like he actually felt bad about what he did and realized it was an awful thing to have done, and truly expressed remorse for it. Right now it just seems like he wants to cover his ass.

  213. Bennett*

    As you didn’t seem to have any problem ghosting her to avoid being tangled up in an uncomfortable situation, perhaps do the same again now with this job. It’s obvious you can cut ties with relative ease when it suits you.
    Do her a favour. Ghost your job.

  214. Jess*

    1) Out of all the international schools in the world Sylvia just shows up as the head of yours, and that one being the only one in your country, huh? What are the odds.

    2) Don’t try to pull weight with HR or administration, or you’ll find out they reckon it’s a lot easier to replace a math teacher in late August than a new head in late August.

    3) You left this woman with a lease and all the other contracts that come with living together without a word of warning because you didn’t want to have a tough conversation. You’ve seen above how internet strangers reacted to what you did, and all the technicalities of it reflect on you as someone other people have to collaborate with, so I wouldn’t try pulling social weight either.

    4) I’d follow Allison’s advice. Maybe magically Sylvia is a wonderful person who has been having such a lovely life since you left her that she can somehow manage you in a healthy ways. But seriously, start looking for a new job right now, when you have better odds of finding a last-minute post-summer no-show post to fill at another international school.

    5) You don’t know what “ghosting” means. What you did wasn’t ghosting, it was walking out of your house to the corner store for a pack of cigarettes and never going back, like cowardly trash have been doing since corner stores were invented. Whether you’re a terrible surprise to Sylvia, or she knows where you work and sought out the job, when you burnt her bridges with her 10 years ago you just kicked a can down the road for the Future (now Present) You to pick up. Pick it up. Own it.

    1. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

      3 & 5) Exactly. I always try to be supportive of letter writers, but OP has sadly displayed so much moral cowardice that there’s nothing positive to say. There’s nothing to salvage here. Look for a new job and leave Sylvia alone.

  217. Jeannine*

    That was not cool. At all. I’m saying this from a personal perspective. At least in my situation, my ex had the courtesy to dump me two weeks before we were scheduled to move halfway across the country together. I had already given notice at my job. I had to find a new place to live very quickly. I had to beg for my job back. I was only able to move my furniture with the help and kindness of strangers. Let me tell you how this feels, Sir: As if someone had decided you were no better than dog feces and were wiping you off the bottom of their shoe. It was emotionally amd physically devastating, to say the least. I felt worthless and contemplated suicide. I was in therapy for over a year. I still hold everyone at a distance and have trouble forming relationships and trusting people. All because one jerk acted in his own self interest. This is why we must take into consideration how our actions affect others, and why it is better to choose what is difficult but right, over what is easy.

    2. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

      Sending you purrs from cats and wagging tails from cute dogs! Very sorry to hear you went through such a dreadful time and experience.

      This is why we must take into consideration how our actions affect others, and why it is better to choose what is difficult but right, over what is easy.

      Exactly.

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      Hugs. A close friend had pretty much the same thing happen to her, except it was 3 weeks and cross-country. It sucks. If it helps any, she met his room mate when he tried to get her back, and she and the room mate have 2 kids and look happy, 20 years later.

    4. Viola*

      So sorry this happened to you.

      I met a woman at JFK airport once on a layover, when I was on the way home for a visit during grad school – her long-term partner had been working up in Alaska, and asked her to come join him. She made all the arrangements, quit her job, sold the furniture, left the flat, bought a plane ticket – and THAT’s when he decided to ring up and tell her he’s met somebody else after all.

      She decided to go to Alaska anyway, and see what adventures were in store. That was about four years ago; I hope her live since has been awesome.

  219. NotSylvia*

    This story is way good to be true.. But as some who was ghosted in the past: THANK YOU karma! There is some justice in the world.
    Best of luck to Sylvia. I hope you rock in your new job!

  220. Roscoe*

    OP, I feel really bad for you right now. Not because of your situation, since you were a jerk and kind of did that to yourself, but for the treatment you are getting on here. You asked for work advice, and you just got 1000+ comments making personal attacks on you. I’d love an update too, but I can’t imagine you’d want to come back here seeing how vicious the people on this board are. You pulled a dick move 10 years ago, that is something we can all (Even you) can probably agree on. That doesn’t mean you are a bad person today, it doesn’t mean you are an abuser, it doesn’t mean you are a sociopath, it doesn’t mean you are a bad teacher, or any of the things people are calling you. Good luck in your situation. It won’t be easy to deal with, but I hope it works out.

    1. London Calling*

      Someone did the same to me, Roscoe, and the result was I lost not only my marriage but my home, plus massive amounts of self-esteem and pride. I was deeply hurt by what my ex saw fit to do, as were my family and his and the family of his girlfriend, all credit to them. And I took a huge financial hit for years, but I guess in your eyes that makes me a gold-digger. But hey, no biggie, huh? boys will be boys and all that.

      1. Roscoe*

        What are you talking about? Where are you getting that I would think you are a gold digger. I said he pulled a dick move. That doesn’t mean I think he deserves a bunch of strangers online attacking him personally when he wrote into an employment advice column looking for employment advice. Sorry, I’m not all about the virtual pitchforks and demonizing him that many of you seem to be.

        But your response here is part of the problem. Somehow because I’m not as mean as the rest of the people are toward this guy, I’m getting attacked now too.

      2. Elizabeth H.*

        Your comment doesn’t make any sense. There is a world of difference between walking out on a marriage and walking out on a long-ish term relationship in your early 20’s when you are living in a foreign country and not financially entangled. Why did you bring up an imagined accusation of being a gold-digger? Everyone can act badly in relationships, men and women.

        2. Observer*

          If you are living with someone, then you are financially entangled. That’s true even when you are just room mates, and that’s doubly true when you are not just sharing a space.

          The likelihood of her having dealt with real financial fall out is quite high ESPECIALLY because of the way he handled it.

      3. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

        I’m sorry that happened and hope all is well for you now. To be honest, I’m surprised all the family members were just as appalled. My experience has been that they’re not, so it’s good to hear that you had their support. Good thoughts and wishes to you!

      4. The Voice of Reason*

        Hang on, there. What you seem to be saying is that there’s no legitimate reason for ending a relationship (or a marriage). I completely disagree with that — no one should be forced to stay in a relationship they want to end. OP’s problem wasn’t ending the relationship, but in the way he did it.

    3. CodingFool*

      It actually does mean those things because he’s showing no remorse in his letter, and we are what we do. Good people and good teachers care about how their behavior impacts others; LW does not.

      I don’t care how long ago it was because, again, the letter shows he is remorseless.

      1. The Voice of Reason*

        Good math teachers, first and foremost, know what a first derivative is. Not every teacher is meant to be a counselor or sounding board.

        1. Observer*

          EVERY teacher, no matter what the subject matter is, MUST be a decent person with some level of sensitivity. Teachers, no matter what the subject is, have too much power and influence over their students to make it appropriate to put someone with no empathy in the classroom.

    4. Ya Auntie*

      His “work advice” is only needed because of how he conducted himself in his personal life. And judging from the way he made himself out to look like a victim and completely minimized his actions in his letter, he hasn’t improved himself one bit. He completely lacks any empathy for Sylvia and that’s pretty much the definition of a sociopath. He won’t learn if everyone keeps babying him and making excuses for him.

    5. MashaKasha*

      OP would only be getting a fraction of that treatment, and a lot more sympathy, if:
      1) his entire question had not been phrased in the terms of “omg what is going to happen to me now”, with not a shred of “what is this going to do to my ex” added in for good measure
      2), and most importantly, if he’d left this sentence out: “Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.” This shows that OP still, to this day, has no idea what he had done wrong. He’s just worried because he got caught, so to speak.

      PS if you think this is bad, you may want to follow some of the links to the articles OP’s story has generated elsewhere.

      1. Phil Buggen*

        Why should he have to care about his ex? This is a professional relationship. He does not owe her anything outside of that context. I don’t usually like the “if x was reversed” thing as it is stupid, but in this case, I do think if the genders were reversed the reaction would be very different. This woman is arguably dangerous. Howevere hurt she was, she is obliged to act professionally. the OP should:
        – Report her previous stalker type behavior to management
        – keep documenting

        1. MashaKasha*

          Oh give me a damn break.
          OP, if you are reading this, do not do this. Do not report your new director’s “previous stalker type behavior” to management (i.e. to herself???) in the context of what happened. You will have to change, not jobs, but careers after that. What a truly bizarre piece of advice.

        3. Observer*

          PULEEZE

          The genders here have no bearing on this – people would be reacting the same way, regardless of whether the OP was male or female and regardless if Sylvia were Sylvia or Sylvio.

  222. Kells*

    I think the OP will have to just take the Karma ding on this one. Sometimes reactions to one’s actions are not salvageable.

  223. Safely Retired*

    I don’t know if anyone has pointed out the possibility that when she learns you are there she will not take the job after all? She may be no more ready to handle the situation than you are. Communicating before she starts would improve those odds, I suspect, and if nothing else she should be warned.

  224. Just wanted to say*

    There is an article about this post on the front page of msn, written by someone at refinery29, who said it was first discovered by buzzfeed. The internet is fascinating.

    1. Kowalski! Options!*

      I’m waiting to see which Hollywood studio options the story for a film script. (I’m being totally serious.) I read this when it was first posted 25 hours and 20 minutes ago, and my toes still haven’t completely uncurled.

      1. Mirily*

        Right? I totally see Ryan Reynolds being cast as the OP … in an attempt to make him palatable,

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Please no! Chris Pratt is now ruined for me because of ‘Passengers’ – please don’t also ruin Ryan Reynolds.

  225. boop the first*

    Seeing as you seem to have zero remorse (and have even taken on the role as victim), I’d say the only option left now is to “ghost” on your entire living situation. You really think you’re going to be “happy and settled” after everyone finds out what you did?

  226. kindnessisitsownreward*

    I know this is a website about work issues, but this letter is another example of how life and work don’t always stay neatly separated. How you show up in one arena has a funny way of affecting the other one. Its a lesson that takes some time and a few hard knocks to really appreciate.

    I hope the LW gets some personal counseling about the way he approaches relationships, because I would bet my NCAA tournament tickets that he has other relationship “issues.” As far as work goes, I think he’s screwed. My advice: start looking. Karma is a bitch.

  227. Jane*

    OP, you need to get clear on a few things IMMEDIATELY.

    1) What you did was brutal and cruel and speaks volumes as to who you are as a human being. First and foremost that you’re a HUGE coward. Selfish beyond measure, and so ridiculously immature that even now, a decade later, you attempt to blame the person you harmed, and in no way take responsibility for your previous actions.

    2) That the person you were living with attempted to find out what had happened to you when you seemingly vanished into thin air, does not make them ‘obsessive’. This is your narcissistic explanation for perfectly reasonable behavior because it was a tiny bit of an imposition for you. Take responsibility.

    3) This situation is not only your just desserts, but an opportunity for you to clean up a grievous situation created by no one but yourself.

    Based on the tone and language of your letter it’s obvious to all that you’re going to do a terrible job of handling this as in your mind it’s all about you, your job, your situation, what you want. You clearly feel no remorse for your actions. To you it’s just, ‘Hey man, I didn’t want to deal. Learn to cope.’

    Well, things are what they are and she may well avenge your behavior by being such a stickler for professionalism that you’ll be out of a job.

    Communicating before she starts her position is a good idea, but based on the manner in which you have depicted yourself here, you’ll do a poor job of that communication.

    I would wish you luck but you don’t deserve any.

    Cowboy up. Clean up your mess. Learn something from this.

  228. Meredith*

    THIS IS NOT GHOSTING. Ghosting is when you out with someone a few times or AT MOST date them really briefly–like a month–and suddenly stop communicating with them. You left your long-term partner because you were too cowardly to face the “drama” that comes with ending a long-term relationship. And if you want a magic solution to somehow “presto” the drama you’re going to face now because of it, you’re still a coward.

  229. alexandriawill*

    Let me be real on here. The way this letter is written shows you disregard her feelings and really aren’t sorry. A person who felt bad about it for one would have reached out years ago to apologize but you didn’t. That being said you see karma is coming back and now you wanna feel bad.
    You claim you ghost her but as everyone else stated this isn’t a ghost you abandoned her because you don’t deal well with breakups and wanted to find away out of it. Additionally. you said you weren’t looking for anything serious but clearly 3 years and living together shows seriousness to any human being. I call bull shit on this feeling bad and such.
    You are terrible and really need to work on your self. You are super selfish even till this day because this letter was only focused on you and your comfort of your job and staying put.
    You are foul and all this nice stuff folks are trying to help you with, you honestly deserve whatever is coming your way. The only thing right is to realize how shitty you have been, give her props for not only being at the new university but being a BOSS at that and give her proper closure she deserve. She probably have questions still and deserves proper closure. Forget what you want now is the time to allow her to start new and let her explain how it’s going to work. If your co-workers found out fine but you gotta show you are changing and it’s karma. Own your own shit and grow a pair.

  231. AnonAnonAnonaBATMAN*

    Maybe this question has already been posed (over a thousand comments!) but I’m curious about part of Alison’s answer…

    Why, automatically, should he move on to another job? It was mentioned that this may have to be the case, as hard as it may be to do so, but I’m curious as to where that power comes from.

    I understand she is coming in as his boss and authority, but I can’t help but be sympathetic to the fact he’s probably established in his position and changing careers for him may be more difficult than for someone who is director material.

    I don’t have an answer, and this isn’t an attack on anyone, this post just made me ponder these dilemmas a bit more than I had previously.

    1. Steve*

      Alison explicitly stated her reasoning in a comment:
      “It’s not reasonable to expect the ex to manage him, and given the awfulness of what he did, it’s reasonable that he should be the one to uproot his life to deal with that fact. Is he going to screw her over again by causing her to have to back out of this job? The right thing to do here is to be the one to take the hit, if one of them needs to.”

  232. Erin*

    Best Karma ever would be she either doesn’t remember him or she acts like she never met him before. That would show him how insignificant he is in the totality of her life.

  233. Long time listener, first time caller*

    I was on the other side of a very similar situation. I was ghosted by someone I had been with for almost two years. It broke my heart and left me with serious trust issues. Years later he resurfaced working for a vendor that I was the point of contact for at work. That’s when I learned I am petty and vindictive. I did everything I could to make him as miserable and uncomfortable as possible. My behavior, which lasted for 18 months before I resigned for unrelated reasons, didn’t fix anything but wow it made me feel good. Maybe Sylvia will find being a total Witch to LW therapeutic. Or maybe she’s a better person then I am.

    1. amanda_cake*

      It would take a rare kinda human to act in manner that is different than yours. If I was ghosted, the person who ghosted me would not have it easy if they reappeared in my work life.

  234. Mirily*

    Even Jack Berger at least left a post-it.

    Honestly, this is one of the best reminders to be kind and decent to other people, even when it requires a little discomfort on your part because what goes around comes around. I get that breaking up with someone is hard and emotional – especially when you’ve been together and share a home. But OP, your desire to avoid what would’ve been mostly just an uncomfortable conversation on your end (let’s be honest, the hurt would’ve been all hers given how you were clearly over it) was selfish.

    You chose to be unkind and cruel to spare yourself and now look … you have to deal with it anyway! And now it’s ten times worse and could potentially (and rightfully though I can admittedly be petty) up end your career. It was a pretty messed up move to stick her with all the rent and bills you two split out of the blue … think of that as you job search and contemplate the sudden financial burden of moving to find new work.

  235. Shruti*

    What bothers me the most here is that rather than accepting that it was a horrible horrible thing he did (age and resultant immaturity cannot be used as a way to defend the disregard and disrespect of his then-partner’s feelings), the focus is on his ‘problem’. There seems to be no remorse. Just a lament on his misfortune. He acknowledged what he did but not the gravity of it. Instead he tried to place blame on her and turn the tables when the real victim here was never him. He thinks that in his head though. He mentions his past actions so passingly, like it’s a mild premise to the bigger problem – HIS problems. I’m sorry dude, but like the others have said, you need to put the ball in her court and give her choices, emotions, and opinions the respect they deserved in the first place. If you’ve grown at all as a human being in these 10 years, recognize that you’re to blame here and that you will have to pay for it the way she decides. You can’t get things your way always. Slyvia can attest to that based on what you put her through.

    1. Elizabeth H.*

      “the focus is on his ‘problem’” because we are reading a letter written seeking advice from an advice website. This is selection bias. Are you expecting the letter to say “Dear Ask a Manager, I treated someone I was dating terribly ten years ago. Please invite your commenters to tell me I am a monster in many, many different ways. I deserve to get fired and never work in my field again. Thanks, Letter Writer.”

  236. Tenshi*

    I think the moment she finds out you work for her, the moment she’ll start to look for someone to replace you. And I’m not saying it because I think she will be immature about it, it is a logical and practical step to take. As a manager myself, I could not trust someone who runs away from his responsibilities the moment he can’t handle them, not only that, someone who blames others because of his bad decisions. So, I wouldn’t trust you to be one of the teacher under my charge and expect you to keep the job. It is clear you don’t really regret it, you only dislike the fact she is in a position of power, that is when “regret” comes to you. Besides apologizing, you should prepare to change your workplace, tough as it is, sorry, you ran away, not her.
    Lastly, where I come from, that is called “to abandon” your partner and your relationship.

  237. SSS*

    If we get back to the actual current situation (rather than piling on about the past behavior), I would recommend letting HR (or whoever did the hiring) know that you would like to make a disclosure that you have a past relationship with the incoming boss that did not end well but that you are professional enough not to let that impact your work or your ability to interact with your new boss. This gives them a heads-up to potential rumors and also to potential retaliation by the boss. Hopefully everyone can be professional, but it’s best to make sure not to blindside everyone around you with the drama (which could end up being either subtle or explosive).

    1. Former Employee*

      Except that’s the OP laying the groundwork for making it seem as if they had a normal breakup so that if Sylvia is upset with the OP being there, she seems like the one with the problem.

    2. Observer*

      Former Employee is right. Sure, it’s easy for him to “be professional” – he’s not facing having to manage someone who she must despise, even if she now realizes that she dodged a massive bullet, and a teacher who she may feel has no place in the classroom.

      Given the comment about getting ahead of rumors, it sounds to me like what you are really suggesting is that the OP set the stage for gaslighting Sylvia, or at least spiking her credibility, probably beyond repair in the community.

      OP – this is very bad advice. It’s utterly unethical. From what you write, I don’t know if you actually care about this. But you should realize that this could backfire on you in a big way.

  238. rationale*

    Went through a couple of comments, and i agree with those who underscore that the socalled ‘ghosting’ was totally inappropriate. But what i miss here as well as in the text, is the question if Sylvia actually isnt perfectly aware of this situation yet… and possibly, even carefully planned this as a rentree in op’s life?! Seems highly unlikely, but so are the odds of this happening coincidentally. Op, ask yourself if this could be the case, and prepare for an even more weird/creepy/bewildering situation in which this woman would not only be your boss, but also your suitor…

    1. Mirily*

      I don’t buy that, especially considering how many people meet/date other people in their industry. Add to that the fact that it’s a small community (ex-pats who teach abroad in English/American schools) and it just seems more likely that it was inevitable for their paths to cross. Which is yet another reason it was a bad decision to treat her so poorly.

  239. AsianHobo*

    Wow. Well, I guess he’s lucky that she’s actually not obsessive and he’s the crazy one here, because if she were, she’d think that them running into each other again like this was kismet instead of karma.

  240. Tom*

    I can only surmise by OP’s use of the term “ghost” when describing the abandonment of someone, admissions of not knowing what to do in what is a very basic and often repeated grownup situation, that he is yet another millennial adult. And I have to admit that as I read his account of his doomed situation, I wanted to laugh out loud so damn hard.

    Any man who claims to take responsibility for his actions would find what he’d done to be reprehensible. Personally, I doubt that she “had different expectations from the beginning”. In fact, it’s more likely that she went into the relationship picturing in her mind a potential situation of marriage and family, and OP likely led her on and allowed her entertain such ideas. (As long as the milk was free…) If I’m still betting, she finally began pressuring OP after 3 years of serious dating to crap or get off the pot — put a ring on her finger — and OP was too much of a COWARD to be a man and tell her how he truly felt. The truth might have hurt her, but she’d handle your honesty far better than his treacherous cowardice and abandonment. Then he’s upset that she sought him out to find out why he left her in such a way?? What a shame.

    Here’s my advice, OP:

    Your sins have sought you out. Be a real man and take EVERY lump you got coming. Don’t be a coward all over again, because this time it won’t be one ex-girlfriend as a witness, but every single one of your colleagues, and that will affect your career far worse than you can imagine (whether you stay or leave, I guess it doesn’t matter at this point).

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Uh, what? Why are we bringing Millennials into this? What’s more, why can’t you do math? He abandoned her over 10 years ago, after a 3 year relationship, and they were both already expat teachers, (at least a bachelor’s degree). That means minimum this guy is in his late 30’s – probably in his 40’s.

  241. Librarian*

    This submission is being picked up by media, I wonder if a. Sylvia will see it and recognize it as her situation and b. if we will get an update from the LW. I very much hope we do.

    LW I say this in the spirit of being helpful: you might be a f**k boy. If you are, and the evidence is very much pointing to that being the case, you need to sort yourself out or you’ll continue to have problems everywhere you go. I don’t think you can reasonably expect to keep this job. I hope you figure things out and give us an update!

    PS I’m sorry Allison if we’re not supposed to say f**k!

    1. GH in SOCal*

      Yeah, I saw Teen Vogue just tweeted about it, and they picked it up from Buzzfeed. Get ready for a lot of new visitors to AAM!

      1. Gadfly*

        If you google Ask A Manager Ghost Sylvia there are SO very many places with it now. It is just amazing. If she’s in the UK or Australia she knows about it (I’m seeing pages worth of articles from each).

        1. Gadfly*

          Someone, somewhere has got to be reading this(or will be soon) and going “wait! I know this story! Is that MY Sylvia?”

  242. vjt*

    Two things. First: “I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama.”

    OP, I understand the desire to just duck out — it feels so much easier than having the confrontation, and when you’re young you maybe don’t think it through. The thing is, by seeking to avoid the drama of breakup, what you actually did was transfer your share of that heartache to her shoulders. Instead of taking on your share of the burden, you forced her to take on the entire burden. And when she objected and came looking for her, you apparently treated her as if she were the one in the wrong. So you made the breakup much, much WORSE for her than it would have been if you’d simply had the confrontation, and you did it for selfish reasons.

    And the second thing: “But more importantly, I am happy and settled here so do not want to move.”

    So this is where you pay the price for the choices you made ten years ago, and where you try to correct your past selfishness by giving up something you don’t want to give up, and where you try to give back to Sylvia some of what you took from her when you abandoned her. I’m not unsympathetic to you — perhaps you’ve grown since then, although the fact you apparently still feel she erred by tracking you down tells me maybe you haven’t. I’m sorry if I sound overly harsh; I really do want to hear an update, and I hope things work out for you in a way that won’t harm Sylvia.

  243. Maj*

    Commit to the charade – Change your name, get plastic surgery, injure your throat and use one of those trachea voice boxes – hide from her FOREVER!

  244. Patty Acer*

    You know, I agree that there’s probably no chance at all that the OP can fix this.

    Oh the other hand, were I in Sylvia’s position, I might just take this an opportunity to a) show off how professional I can be, by treating him like any other employee, (and thereby giving the OP the not-so-subtle message that he means less than nothing to her now), b ) make him sweat by letting him wonder if there’s going to be retribution.

    In short, I’d be professional AF and then enjoy watching him squirm.

    1. Gadfly*

      If you do, let her know we wish her the best (the vast majority of us) and that we’d love an update and/or her side of things.

  248. Dany*

    Hey! I have no other comment other than: face it as a chance of personal growth (everything is, really). Although you shouldn’t beat yourself up for something you did a decade ago (it’ll take you nowhere, anyway), don’t try to dodge the consequences, even if facing them doesn’t turn out the way you want (keeping the job) or turn out to be pretty tough. You can take a lesson from it and move on! Best of luck (to both of you – maybe she is the one who needs the most!)

  249. Nat*

    Stop being so narcissistic and thinking about how it will affect you
    Maybe she doesn’t care, an emotionally
    inept man left her without word I’m sure after she found out that there was no reason except for lack of common decency she dealt with it and moved on.
    I suggest you do the same.
    Apologize if it’s genuine, (which I think is unlikely as you still try to paint yourself as a victim in this) and move on

  250. Joey*

    It’s called Karma… Deal with it, you are responsible for the entire situation, and it’s a mess you may not be able to clean up. There may be a lesson for you to learn in there : usually it’s not pleasant, it’s meant to be useful.

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