weekend free-for-all – January 27-28, 2018

by Alison Green on January 27, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Tepper Isn’t Going Out, by Calvin Trillin. You wouldn’t think a novel about parking would hold your interest, but it’s Calvin Trillin and so you would be wrong.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Kristie*

    Hello! 2 questions about food:
    1.My husband and I are trying to save money by cooking more at home. What are your favorite dishes to make that are simple but delicious? I am also interested in hearing about meals that can be good for reheating later (bringing leftovers for lunch, etc).
    2.Breakfasts that keep you satisfied for a while…it’s go go go for me at work and I need something in the morning that will keep me full for a while. PS I already know about hard boiled eggs and I eat them a lot.

    1. paul*

      Chili. It gets fun when you branch out into stuff other than standard chili meat. We used leftover green chili pulled pork to make a batch this week and it turned out really neat. Got some heat to it which is a plus.

    2. nep*

      Do you eat quinoa? There are recipes for oats and quinoa together — it’s more filling than oats alone. And you get some morning protein.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      Cook pasta, add red or green pasta and tuna fish, sprinkle on grated cheese – surprisingly filling.

      Frittata can be good – I don’t have a foolproof recipe but my one tip is to par boil or sauté anything you’re putting in as it won’t cook if it goes in the oven raw.

      2. OperaArt*

        For breakfast, I like overnight oats. There are Many recipes online.

        My version-the night before, layer in a small canning jar, add 1/2 cup steel cut oats, 1/2 cup almond milk, a handful of nuts (almond, walnuts, cashews…), some fruit (blueberries, raspberrie…), and something sweet (honey, brown sugar, real maple syrup…). Put the cover on, place the jar in the refrigerator, and eat the next morning. Yes, it’s eaten cold.

        Very portable, and nice to have waiting for me in the morning.
        Easy to adapt the measurements to metric.

        1. Raine*

          Seconding the overnight oats. I’m on a tight budget so I make mine with a 1/2 cup of rolled oats, 1 tablespoon of honey, a scoop of protein powder (bought from amazon, it’s something Delight and it say it’s chai flavored but it’s more like a french vanilla), a fruit cup worth of canned peaches or one chopped fresh peach, 1/4 cup yogurt (usually soy based), and then however much milk or nut milk it takes to saturate the oats. Close the jar, shake it up, and boom, peaches and cream oats in the morning that come with me to class all day.

    4. heckofabecca*

      If you like fish, pineapple maple-glazed salmon! It’s just salmon (or steelhead trout, or any substitute you prefer) with a very simple topping of crushed pineapple and maple syrup with minced garlic, mustard, and soy sauce. It’s VERY yummy—full recipe is online. I wouldn’t recommend heating it up in the office though ^^;

      Stir fry is also relatively easy, but a good-sized batch requires a large wok and quite a bit of time (between the chopping and the stirring). We’ll often make it Sunday night and it lasts for a good part of the week. A big batch of rice cooking simultaneously works wonders.

    6. Wrench Turner*

      Slow cooker just about anything. If you don’t have one, they’re not expensive and really make cooking easier. One thing my family does is take 1 gallon freezer bags and we’ll prep 7 or 8 different things, one meal in each. Then the night before we’ll defrost and dump in the cooker. For an afternoon’s prep you can eat for a month if you want. Chilis and stews are good, pork shoulder or chicken – and then just make rice or pasta when you get home. It’s really great.

      Another cheap option is homemade pizza. If you have a stand mixer (another must-have for my kitchen) you can make from-scratch pizza in about 30 minutes for a cost of $5 if you’re being fancy. The dough is super easy.

        1. All Hail Queen Sally*

          I would DIE without my slow cooker. I use it constantly–and I live alone. Great for making soups.

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        My favorite slow cooker tip is that you can make baked potatoes in it! Clean the potatoes and stab them a few times with a fork, wrap them in foil, and stick them in the slow cooker on low for 8-10 hours.

        1. Fiennes*

          It’s also great for roasting a whole chicken with some veggies. The leftovers make an amazing soup the next day.

    8. Yetanotherjennifer*

      We like a simple Americanized Curry.
      1 lb chicken cut into bite sized pieces
      1 can coconut milk (we use full fat)
      1.5-2 bags frozen stir fry veggies
      1-2 Tbsp Thai Red Curry Paste
      1/4-1/2 tsp Better Than Bullion Chicken base (optional but adds depth)
      1-2 tsp curry powder
      salt & pepper

      Saute the chicken until cooked, add coconut milk, chicken base, curry paste and curry powder and mix. Add in veggies, cover and cook until done. You could add in some corn starch to thicken the broth if you’d like. Throw in some pineapple or mango…maybe some white or sweet potatoes…The amounts of curry paste and powder suit my family’s mild-medium taste buds. Serve with rice.

      1. Old Biddy*

        We do a variation on this. My husband loves cabbage so there’s usually cabbage, carrots, some frozen green beans and a potato or two.

    9. ExcelJedi*

      I get sick of leftovers pretty easily, so I go for elements I can mix & match during the week.
      For example, roasted veggies is always a good option. Cut them into pretty even sizes, toss them in olive oil & spiced (like premixed Italian spices with salt & pepper), then put them in the oven at 400*F for an hour while you relax. They reheat well and can go with multiple meats (marinated grilled chicken is easy).
      I also tend to get a London broil whenever it’s on sale and make that. Even though it’s just the 2 of us, my husband and I can go through 3-4 lbs by eating it multiple ways (on its own w/veggies, chopped in sandwiches with cheese, in salads, etc.).

    10. D.W.*

      I second chili. I make chili every Sunday and we love it! Also good are pualo rice dishes. I made some last night and threw in broccoli, peas, carrots, potatoes with spices and voila! It’s a great meal, filling, and you can eat with any type of protein of your choosing.

      Lentils (any color) are also wonderful. I saute aromatics, add sweet potatoes (opt.) cover with water/stock and simmer. Finish with spinach or kale, and cilantro.

      Make a batch of black bean burgers and freeze them. Suuper handy! They freeze wonderfully and you can do a quick cook in a pan with a small amount of oil.

    11. Joie De Vivre*

      Foodnetwork has a recipe for salsa verde tacos. Really easy slow cooker recipe. And, the meat freezes well. But probably too messy for a work lunch.

    12. HannahS*

      Oh, the breakfast dilemma! For a long time, I had a late start in the morning and access to a dishwasher, so I had scrambled eggs and toast, and sometimes fruit, too. That would hold me well past lunchtime. Now I have an earlier start, no dishwasher, and a roach problem (so I don’t want to leave dishes, but I also don’t want to wash much early in the morning), so I broke down and bought plain, unflavoured whey protein powder (I got mine at Bulk Barn, if you happen to live in Canada). Now my breakfasts are toast and a smoothie. A smoothie alone barely gets me to noon, but with buttered toast I find I’m good until about 1 or 2.
      Other things: toast with cottage cheese, avocado toast–when I eat those, I tend to save my protein smoothie until about 10 or 11, and that’s also great.

      1. Nines*

        Good ideas! I need more cottage cheese in my life. I always really like it when I have it but never think to buy it. It’s going on the list!

    13. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Here’s another family favorite. Its an old recipe from my husband’s side of the family and is very adaptable to your tastes and what you have available. I don’t have a recipe so I’m guessing on the amounts.:

      Hamburger Gravy
      Saute 1 small chopped onion in oil. Add 1 lb ground beef to brown and sprinkle over about 1/4-1/3 cup flour when it’s almost done. Mix in and add some fat if necessary to make a roux. The ground beef we get is at most 85% lean so I usually don’t need to. Cook until beef is fully browned and roux is cooked. Slowly add 2 cups water or beef stock while stirring. If you’re using something like Better Than Bullion, I use a little less than the full amount. Cook until thickened. I like to season with Worchester sauce and some spices like sage and thyme, garlic if I have some. Add more water if you prefer a thinner gravy. Add milk or cream if you’d like. Serve over potatoes.

      Use same concept for chicken gravy. It’s a great way to use up that last little bit of a rotisserie chicken. Serve over potatoes, egg noodles or waffles.

      1. Anion*

        I do this!

        I also do a variation of it that I got from an old “Scottish Recipes” cookbook, which is basically what you have but without the roux and with steel-cut oatmeal (the oatmeal soaks up the beef stock) and some minced onion browned with the beef. It sounds weird but it’s really good. (It’s about 4oz oatmeal to every 1 1/3 cup stock.)

        (I also do basically what you’ve described above, slop it over some soft thick bread, serve it with fries, and call it “lazy hamburgers.” :-))

        And I just remembered I was supposed to post my beef barley soup recipe–I had the flu the weekend after Christmas and it totally slipped my mind, ugh! Next weekend. I’m sorry!

    14. Thlayli*

      We cook large meals and freeze and reheat. Some of or favourites are: spaghetti bolognese, fish pie, all sorts of stir fry in sauce, stews/casseroles etc. Basically anything in a sauce you can freeze if the meat/potatoes are cut up small enough. You can also freeze masked potato.

    15. Almost Violet Miller*

      1. Fast and delicious: I like salads made with lentils or chickpeas. I just fry some onions, bacon/smoked ham and carrots and add the chickpeas from a can. Makes a great dinner and can reheat it at work for lunch the next day. Also works cold.

    16. Flying Fish*

      I like Alton Brown’s Red Beans And rice. Easy to make in a batch, cheap, warms up well in the office.

    17. kittymommy*

      Chili, taco soup, white beans with ham and chorizo. I make batches and freeze them to reheat at work or home.
      For breakfast I like baked oatmeal and different types of egg casseroles (sausage, bacon, chorizo, cheese, etc).

    18. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Last one. The name comes from how I feel when I make it: because it’s made up of those little bits that are too small for anything else, it always feels like I’m getting a free meal.

      Free Soup
      Find a single-batch-sized freezer-safe container and store it in the freezer. I use a 4 cup container and it feeds 2 adults and a teenager well. Collect all the tiny leftovers that are too small to be served again. There’s the obvious like cooked veggies, bits of meat, rice, pasta etc, but I’m pretty liberal about what I save and I don’t worry too much about sauces and seasonings. It usually turns out OK. Since you’re storing it all in the freezer, it will wait until you’ve got enough to make soup. When the container is full, put the contents in a pot and add stock. I use 3 cups. I determine my stock flavor and other seasonings based on what seems most predominant in this batch. Most meats will go either way, or you could always stick with a vegetable stock to be safe. Sometimes I add tomato paste. I also like to save the water from drained tomatoes in a separate container to use as broth. I use a soup/stew seasoning blend for spices. This is all reheating so once it boils it’s done. Serve with bread.

    19. Belle*

      We like to make meatloaf, chicken and rice casserole, pot roast and other dump and go meals. Some can be done in the slow cooker or just throw in the oven and let it go. I tend to go for simple but reheatable since it is just two of us.

      1. Die Forelle (The Trout)*

        I was also going to recommend Budget Bytes! Just this week I had the Soy Marinated Tofu Bowls with Spicy Peanut Sauce and Italian Sausage and White Bean Skillet for dinners. Both served two with at least one meal’s worth of leftovers.

      2. BeautifulVoid*

        Yes, I love Budget Bytes! This week I made the chicken with artichokes and tomatoes, and we had it leftover one night (probably could have stretched it out to two if we really wanted). I think the original recipe was done in a skillet on the stove, but then she added an oven version which I prefer because I’m more comfortable with sticking a casserole dish in the oven and going off to do other things as opposed to babysitting a skillet over open flame.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          I somehow thought it was just a cookbook and am so glad youve all alerted me to it also being a blog!

    21. Parenthetically*

      Breakfast: omelette muffins or just a fritatta cut into portions, with whatever meat, cheese, veggies, etc. you like — make it on Sunday night, eat throughout the week. Two omelette muffins with a pumpkin almond butter muffin is super high in protein and good fats, which are critical for high performance all morning, IMO.

      https://detoxinista.com/pumpkin-spice-muffins-grain-free/

      Simple dinners that reheat well: basic ingredients (meat, veg, starch), goosed up with potent flavor boosters, like harissa (rub chicken with harissa and roast with veggies of your choice, serve with pita), curry paste (beef, red curry paste, coconut milk, and veggies simmered until done and served with rice), green salsa or chili verde (simmer pork with sauce, shred up some cabbage, serve with corn tortillas and taco fixins), grilling spice mixes or sauces (spread on meat and broil or grill, serve with quinoa salad). Mix and match. This type of cooking is the simplest, IMO, for folks without a lot of experience cooking! Building blocks put together in different ways.

      http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/quinoa-salad-recipe0-1946649

    22. Middle School Teacher*

      I also like budget bytes, and I would add the damn delicious blog for good ideas too. They’re usually pretty economical and don’t call for weird ingredients you might not be able to find easily.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I’m also a big fan of smoothies for breakfast. It’s my resolution to have more fruit this year, but I find I don’t eat it fast enough, so I make smoothie packs in ziplocks and store them in the freezer. Then I just pull one out and blitz it with some almond milk or orange juice. (Plus I just discovered frozen avocado, and it’s so good in smoothies!) I put them in 500ml mason jars, which makes them really portable.

    23. Emma*

      Not all of these are necessarily SUPER easy to make. But if you want to put a tiny bit of effort into food that reheats well these are my go-to choices that I’ve built up over years of trying to not eat out/save more money:

      https://minimalistbaker.com/1-pot-chickpea-shakshuka/
      https://www.budgetbytes.com/2013/05/italian-wonderpot/
      https://ohmyveggies.com/one-pot-pasta-primavera/
      http://www.closetcooking.com/2009/06/thai-pineapple-fried-rice.html
      https://cooknourishbliss.com/2014/03/07/vegetarian-farro-sloppy-joes/
      http://www.closetcooking.com/2010/03/moroccan-roasted-carrot-and-chickpea.html
      http://www.closetcooking.com/2014/10/pesto-zucchini-and-corn-quinoa-salad.html
      https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/roasted-cauliflower-orzo-salad/

      Budget Bytes and Closet Cooking are two of my favorite places to go for recipes– Budget Bytes recently started a meal prep series, too! The recipes I shared are basically all vegetarian just because I happen to be mostly vegetarian. But… when it comes to dishes that don’t have meat I don’t mind them being in the fridge as leftovers for a couple more days, which is part of my strategy for not getting burnt out on the same meal over and over again.

    24. Liz*

      Fruit porridge is great for breakfast. Bowl, oats, milk and blueberries (or kiwis or apples or….), put in the microwave for ~1:00 and enjoy! If you don’t mind prep, 1/4 grapefruit is remarkably nice, but it needs peeling and slicing so I can’t in good faith recommend it.

      For a dinner, Cheat’s Vegetable Pie. Buy a sheet of puff pastry, cut in half. (1/2 sheet will make one pie). Add defrosted frozen veg, sunflower seeds and cheese in a pile in the middle. Roll the pastry over the pile and seal, skewer with a fork and bake on a low heat for about 45 minutes.

      Final tip: metal kebab skewers make baked potatoes cook faster and more evenly!

    25. Grace Carrow*

      For breakfast, I batch cook pancakes and freeze them. you can make them with or without blueberries, diced apple (+cinnamon), banana slices.
      Recipe is equal volumes of:Cottage cheese, egg (or egg whites), oat flakes. plus 1tsp baking powder.
      Blend it all together until smooth.
      Pour a big spoonful into each pan you are using (I cook 5 at a time on all my burners) spread with back of spoon and cook on medium heat until all the bubbles have popped, then flip over and cook other side briefly.
      From frozen they take about 1 minute in the microwave.

      The other thing I do is batch cook a kind of fritata but using paper muffin cups inside a muffin tin. Basic recipe is 1 part cottage cheese to 2 parts egg (by volume). beat the eggs then stir in the cottage cheese so the curds are still distinct, then stir in 1 part grated cheese and 2 parts cooked vegetable of your choice (spinach, mushroom, halved cherry tomatoes(raw), asparagus etc etc) fill the muffin cups with this mix and bake on a medium heat until risen and puffy. They keep well in the fridge, if you freeze them they taste fine but will probably split when thawed and drip a watery “juice”.

      I use the cottage cheese tub to measure the other ingredients

    26. Lily Evans*

      I made this recipe: http://alexandracooks.com/2016/01/22/two-lentil-dal/ to bring in for lunch this week, accompanied by rice, and it’s great. It reheats well and is filling.

      Soup is also one of my go-to choices. I love anything tomato and bean based, like ribollita. Split pea soup is also great because making a giant batch is cheap and peas have a lot of protein (plus you can add ham if you’re not vegetarian).

      My last easy go-to is to buy pre-made Indian curry simmer sauce and cook it with tofu (can be swapped for chicken) and peas, served over rice.

    27. Aealias*

      Breakfast: I like to make muffins using mostly ground nuts instead of flour. Grind up a couple of different kinds of nuts in the food processor. Use fruit juice for moisture, an egg to bind , dried fruit and maybe sesame seeds and oats for texture. Don’t skimp on baking powder and baking soda. Lots of nuts are oily, so I don’t add more than a tablespoon or so of margarine. Bake in big batches, and freeze!

      The protein of the nuts is long-term filling, and my body accepts the oats as mandatory-breakfast-grain. Also, no refined sugar, so I call it healthy!

    28. Shoe*

      Here’s one of my standards that is extremely cheap, easy, healthy, vegan, gluten-free, reheatable, freezable, and filling:

      1 onion, chopped
      3 cloves garlic, minced
      oil for sauteeing
      2 teaspoons curry powder (or to taste)
      2 teaspoons garam masala (or to taste)
      1 teaspoon ground ginger
      1 teaspoon cumin
      1 teaspoon salt
      1 pound cubed butternut squash (I buy frozen for convenience–but you could use a small fresh one)
      1 large can diced tomatoes
      2 15 ounce cans chickpeas
      1 can light coconut milk

      In a large-ish pot, saute the onion and garlic in oil until soft. Stir in the spices for 20-30 seconds. Add the rest of the ingredients and cook about 20 minutes or until everything is soft (especially if you are using fresh squash). Serve over cooked rice, or just eat plain if you are watching your carbs/calories.

    29. Irene Adler*

      If you have a freezer you can prepare chicken recipes (like thighs or breasts) and then divide into single serve portions using freezer ziploc bags or single serve tupperware. Be sure to use freezer bags and double bag. Might write what they are on the outside of the bag.
      I also bake casseroles which can be divided into single serve tupperware and frozen.

      Then freeze all.
      Draw single bag and thaw for meal. The tupperware can be brought to work for lunch.

      I usually wait for chicken or beef to go on sale and purchase a whole bunch. Then I spend a day cooking four or five different recipes and freezing all away for my meals. I can have a different meal each day of the week.

    30. Turtlewings*

      Breakfast: I get the Belvita breakfast biscuits. They’re super quick, easy, non-messy (I usually eat breakfast in the car) and tasy (lots of flavors). The box promises 4 hours hunger-free and that really is just about right.

      My super-easy dinner favorite is Mexicorn Casserole.

      1 can of mexicorn (regular corn will really take the oomph out of the dish, do not recommend)
      1 can cream-of-chicken soup
      1 package of yellow rice
      1.5 cups shredded cheddar cheese

      Cook the rice (the hardest part imo). Mix with soup and corn. Put in casserole dish. Put layer of cheese on top. Bake. (I can’t remember the specifics of that, probably something like 30 minutes on 350?) Simple enough for EVEN ME to cook, and I could eat it all day!

    31. Grad Student*

      2. I’m impatient in the morning, but either of these work well for me:
      – quick oats + dollop of peanut butter (+ raisins, maple syrup or other sugar, maybe cinnamon, flaxseed meal, other fruit or nuts if you have them–but it’s the oats + PB that make it really filling)
      – avocado toast (put bread in toaster; while that’s going open your avocado in half and squeeze lime juice and salt on each half. Optionally, put the half with pit in a tupperware in the fridge to use tomorrow. Use a fork to mash the avocado+lime juice+salt around in the avocado skin, then turn it out onto the toast when it’s done and spread it around. Delicious and definitely not the reason this millenial hasn’t bought real estate).

      1. Another Grad Student*

        I make avocado toast, too! I reccommend buying the minced garlic in a jar, and adding a little of the juice to the avocado mix.

    32. Erin*

      Whole chicken it takes approx 1 hour in the oven, but add potatoes, carrots and onions some bread and another side and it’s a great meal with easy prep. And you can use the left over chicken in pasta or another dish. It’s

    33. Kathenus*

      Shepherd’s pie – brown ground beef, and put in a glass casserole dish. Add a jar of brown gravy and a can of mixed vegetables (or use frozen) – I also add a bit of Worcestershire sauce. Take one of the heat and eat containers of mashed potatoes and heat it in it’s container. Use a spatula to spread the mashed potatoes on top of the meat/gravy/vegetables, sprinkle on a bit of shredded cheese on top if you’d like – this can also give it a bit of a crispy top. Bake uncovered at 300-350 until hot. Can also use chicken and chicken gravy – it’s a good option for that leftover rotisserie chicken meat.

    34. A Non E. Mouse*

      Soups in the crock pot are great, especially since I can throw everything in on a Sunday morning, then Sunday evening dish up into lunch-sized portions for the week. They are also great for freezing, so you could set aside one or two portions each week in the freezer to give yourself variety later in the month.

      Another super easy lunch are homemade Chipotle-type bowls. Make the rice, beans and other protein of your choice, portion out into lunch containers, slap on lids. I usually reheat and then sprinkle on some cheese when I get to my desk (we have a fridge I literally keep shredded cheese in at work, but you could also just take a portion-sized amount with you each day).

      Baked potatoes with taco meat on them are DELICIOUS and you could make a pound of taco meat, freeze into portions, then just nuke a potato to take into work and reheat.

      Breakfast my favorite thing to do is make breakfast burrito filling, then just decide day-of if it’s going to be a burrito or just a bowl of breakfast goodness. Crumble and brown a roll of breakfast sausage (we like the hot flavored kind!), set aside. Then in the same pan cook a bag of breakfast potatoes. I usually then portion out the potatoes into containers, and when the pan is clear, scramble/cook 6 eggs in there. Then portion out the eggs, and the sausage, on top of the potatoes. Reheat, add some cheese and/or salsa, I’ve had people follow me to my desk from the microwave to find out what I’m eating because it smells SO good. Clean up is just one pan. Woohoo! This is usually 4 or 5 portions, depending on if I’m eating them or my husband is without a wrap – if you are using a wrap you can eek out 6 portions. I’m sure it’s supposed to be like 8 or something but dang it’s too good for that!

      The best part about the burrito-mix is that I can also add veggies – an additional green pepper and half a white onion thrown in with the potatoes while they are cooking adds a ton of flavor and bonus! More veggies! Jalapenos are good too but they can REALLY vary the heat from day to day, so only if you actually really truly like them.

    35. Slartibartfast*

      Batch cooking is my friend. When I make lasagna, instead of one large cake pan, I make 2 small ones. Bake one, freeze the other. Slow cooker, 3-4 lbs pork loin when it goes on sale, cut up in 3 inch cubes and a large bottle of your favorite barbecue sauce makes several nights worth of heat and eat pulled pork, I serve usually with cole slaw. A good barbecue fix when it’s cold outside. Chicken breast with your favorite salsa, or I use some broth and a can of chipotles en adobo, makes batches of shredded chicken for tacos, enchiladas, burritos. You can layer ingredients for things like enchiladas or cabbage rolls and bake them lasagna style for the same taste with less work. Any sort of dried beans cook up nicely in the slow cooker on low without having to presoak them. I also do a lot of half homemade stuff, those packages of dry soup make great starters. Add fresh broccoli to a cheddar potato, for example. Or add lentils to minestrone. Frozen bread, I set a loaf up to defrost and the hubs throws it in the oven when I leave work, since it’s often unpredictable when I’ll actually get to leave. Root vegetables roast nicely in the crock pot, you don’t have to limit it to soups and stews. I usually use a roasting bag for those, otherwise clean up can be a pain.

    36. 14 years*

      Rice. You can make a bunch at a time, it lasts a while, it’s cheap and you can add it to anything as a filler

      1. IT Squirrel*

        I would urge caution with this – rice can make you very very sick if not stored correctly once cooked, and not reheated thoroughly. Cool it quickly, get it in the fridge, and if you can’t eat it with 24 hours, get the leftovers into the freezer as soon as possible.

        1. Peggy*

          Wait really? I make rice then eat the leftovers for a straight week. I’m close to 40 and never knew that could make you sick!

          1. dragonzflame*

            Yup, really. It’s why pregnant women are advised not to eat sushi – everyone thinks it’s the fish, but it’s actually the rice. All that moisture and starch is a great breeding ground for pathogens. That said, if you cool it fast, store it in the fridge and heat it really well you should be ok.

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          I thought this was the case too. People keep telling me otherwise but I don’t trust them.

        3. Parenthetically*

          It freezes SO well. Put it in one-cup portions in ziplock bags, press flat and seal. Then reheat in the microwave. I read in some foodie magazine interview years ago that Masaharu Morimoto freezes rice to use later and I figure if it’s good enough for an Iron Chef it’s good enough for me.

    37. Stormy*

      I have completely quit morning carbs, and it is the only thing that has fixed my roller-coaster morning hangries. I also quit insisting on designated “breakfast foods” and found meal planning to be much easier. Now I might have an egg-white omelette with spinach and tomato, or I may reheat some leftover pork chops.

      1. anonagain*

        “I also quit insisting on designated “breakfast foods” and found meal planning to be much easier.”

        When I used to cook, I also found this very helpful. I often ate leftovers for breakfast, which helped me use up what I cooked and still have enough variety in my menu to avoid boredom. It also saved time in the morning.

        Dinner food is quite filling, which might help in this case. I really like leftover lasagna for breakfast. I know that weirds some people out though!

    38. buttercup*

      My first advice is to cut the meat. I’m not vegetarian, but I rarely buy/cook meat – the few times I do, I notice how much higher my grocery bill is.

      I like making a lot of vegetable soups – red bean chili with vegetables, minestrone with pasta, split pea soup with roast potatoes are all very filling.

    39. Triple Anon*

      Baked burritos! Fill tortillas with rice, cheese – anything you want, wrap them, drip some oil on them, and bake them in the oven. Then you have premade nutritious meals that are easy to reheat.

    40. Keener*

      My favourite for hearty, easy morning of breakfasts is baked oatmeal. I tend to make 3 trays at a time cut into individual servings, wrap and freeze. Each morning I I just grab one from the freezer and microwave at work.

      Ingredients
      · 2 1/2 cups milk
      · 2 1/4 cups old fashioned rolled oats (not quick cooking)
      · 1/2 teaspoon sea salt
      · 1 teaspoon baking powder
      · 1/2 cup chopped toasted pecans (optional). I often use non toasted walnuts
      · 1/3 cup maple syrup.
      · 2 large eggs
      · 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
      · *frozen berries or chopped fruit (optional)
      · *Cinnamon (optional)

      Instructions
      1. Heat your oven to 350F and butter a 9X13″ (or similarly sized) baking dish.
      2. In bowl combine the oats, salt, baking powder, cinnamon and pecans (if using). Whisk in the eggs, maple syrup, vanilla and milk. Scrape into the prepared baking dish. Add frozen berries/chopped fruit. Bake until golden and set, about 40-45 minutes.

    41. AnonEMoose*

      My husband and I often volunteer at our local Renaissance Festival during its run. Which means some horribly early mornings and a need for a filling breakfast to keep us going for those first few hours. What I often do is make up breakfast wraps in advance. There’s a bunch of different ways you could vary it, but here’s what I do:

      Scramble 6-8 eggs (plan basically 1 egg per wrap). I add diced ham, but you could use cooked and crumbled sausage, cooked and crumbled bacon, or pretty much whatever else. You could also add veggies of your choice (mushrooms, broccoli, bell peppers, hot peppers…whatever you like). I get the thin-sliced cheese and put one slice on each tortilla.

      Then I add the cooked and mostly-cooled egg mixture down the center of each tortilla (make sure the tortillas will wrap). I put plastic wrap around each one to make sure it stays wrapped. Put as many as you want into freezer bags and freeze. I put a bag in the fridge to thaw the night before, unwrap and heat for about a minute each in the microwave, and eat. Nicely filling, and easy to eat in the car.

      I also do a chicken and rice casserole (you can use boneless, skinless chicken breasts; chicken thighs (bones are fine, but remove the skin); pork chops (boneless or not); even the turkey breast tenderloins work will.

      Take a roasting pan with a cover, spray with cooking spray of choice. Add the meat in the bottom – amount can vary with number of people and size of pan. I use 8 chicken thighs, or 4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves, or 4 pork chops. Chop one onion and spread over meat. Add minced garlic to taste.

      I add 1 can of drained sliced mushrooms and 1 can of green beans (drained). But you could as easily use broccoli (fresh or frozen), or pretty much whatever.

      I add 3 cups rice and 1/2 cup wild rice (again, this can vary with the number of people and size of pan – the important thing is to get the liquid to grain ratio right. Twice as much liquid as regular rice, 3 times as much liquid as wild rice. So for this size batch, you want 7 1/2 cups of liquid.)

      Then I add 1 can cream of mushroom soup (cream of chicken or cream of celery would also work). Some chopped celery would also add some nice flavor. I add a generous sprinkle of seasoned salt, a generous portion of poultry seasoning, and some Italian herb blend.

      Then add the liquids. I like to use a combination of chicken broth and milk (about 4 cups chicken broth and 3 1/2 cups milk – again, this depends on the amount of rice being used). Bake at 400 degrees for about an hour, or until the meat is cooked and the rice has absorbed the liquid.

      Reheats well, and if you run out of meat, the rice is tasty; some cheese on the top makes for a nice lunch.

    42. The Other Dawn*

      Baked oatmeal. Very filling and great for breakfast, can be frozen and makes a lot usually. And there are lots of options. Try going to the Budget Bytes website and searching baked oatmeal.

    43. MommaCat*

      My husband will periodically make a big soup pot of really meaty spaghetti sauce, then we’ll divide it into 2 or 3 serving size portions and freeze it all. Then you have homemade spaghetti sauce all year long! The initial cost can be a bit steep, though.

    44. DanaScully*

      We tend to cook meals intended for four people and we take the leftovers to work for lunch the next day. One of our favourites is a chicken and chorizo jambalaya. It is delicious, and so easy:
      https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1167651/chicken-and-chorizo-jambalaya

      For breakfast, what about overnight oats? We do oats in a small glass jar, a splash of milk, a small yoghurt and frozen mixed berries. Shake to mix and leave in the fridge overnight. Best eaten chilled.

    45. Peggy*

      here’s something I have been enjoying lately:
      sweet apple chicken sausage (I pull it out of the casing to crumble and cook with olive oil, sautéed onion shallot and garlic, toasted pecans, and dried cranberries, salt pepper and some red pepper flakes.) There are a lot of ways to serve it. Last time I tossed the sausage mixture with roasted Brussels sprouts and roasted butternut squash and brown rice, then served over arugula that was just dressed with olive oil, salt, pepper, and a squeeze of lemon.

      There are lots of flavors of the chicken sausage at my grocery store so I’ve been experimenting with other combinations of sausage and veggies and spices. This is so good for meal prep because it tastes good for a few days and you can bulk up 2-4 sausages with veggies and rice and stretch it for a while.

    46. Lindsay J*

      For #2: I made a giant pancake in my Instapot a couple days ago and it was several meals worth of food.

      It can be made in a regular rice cooker as well.

      2 C flour
      1/2 C Ricotta
      1 C water, plus a little more
      2 eggs
      3 tbsp sugar
      3 tsp baking powder
      1 tsp salt
      1 tbsp vanilla flavoring (optional and to taste)
      1 tbsp cinnamon (optional and to taste)
      Cooking oil, Crisco, etc

      1. Mix all ingredients together in large mixing bowl until smooth. If batter seems dry or lumps persist, slowly add a little bit of water at a time until it becomes smooth and shiny.

      2. Grease the bottom of the pot with Crisco or whatever you have.

      3. Pour batter into pot.

      4. Put lid on pot. Put into rice-cooker mode and choose multi-grain option (Should show 40 minutes cook time). Set pressure to low.

      5. Let cook.

      6. Carefully extract from pot.

      7. Serve with butter, maple syrup, fruit, confectionery sugar, or whatever you fancy.

      When you go to take it out, the top is going to look pale and not that appealing, but it should be spongy. The bottom (which will be the top when you take it out) should be golden brown.

      I adapted this from several Instapot giant pancake recipes online, including one from Delish. Mostly because I didn’t have any milk but did have ricotta I wanted to try and use in this, and because it sounded/tasted really bland without additional sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla.

  2. Ramona Flowers*

    What the fork will I do without my weekly fix of The Good Place? There’s only one episode left in this series!

    (Nobody spoil this week for people who haven’t seen it or I’ll have to show you my moral quandary grimace.)

    1. heckofabecca*

      Oh no! :c I just watched the latest episode… Definitely going to miss it!!

      Relatedly, I just started a philosophy course, and when the professor started talking about Aristotle and Plato, I couldn’t help but giggle. “Who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics??” // “Plato!”

      1. Claire (Scotland)*

        :D I teach philosophy to high school students and I’ve got most of my current class watching The Good Place. They love getting to count Netflix as homework!

    2. Undine*

      Ah! This is a question I wanted to ask. I tried he first episode or two o the Good Place & didn’t like it at all. Does it get better? What happens that makes it so funny — I don’t mean plotise, but how does it change in tone?

      1. Vicky Austin*

        I loved it from episode 1 and I don’t think there were any drastic changes that would turn someone who hated it into someone who liked it. I suspect it just isn’t for you.

      2. Delphine*

        Yeah, if it’s not something you immediately found intriguing, I don’t think you’ll change your mind. The tone really doesn’t shift.

      3. teclatrans*

        Oh, my experience was very different. I was pretty skeptical the first couple of episodes. I am pretty sure it took me to 3 or 4 before I was hooked. At two episodes in, you can’t know this, but there is so much depth. At first, I though the snarky, manipulative, mean Eleanor was the voice of the show, and felt like Selfie had done it better.
        But then the plot twists start piling up (and they pay off, unlike in Lost where they just stay piled up), and you discover amazing depths. And this show has so much heart, and is so thoughtful.

      4. PieInTheBlueSky*

        From what I can remember, my impression of the show after the first episode or two was that the humor sometimes felt contrived, like they were trying too hard to be quirky or whimsical. I did like it enough to keep watching, and I’m glad I did. I don’t know if it’s the tone that’s changed, or me, or if the show has just settled in to its plot, but it doesn’t feel contrived anymore. It’s one of the few shows on TV I watch now.

    3. kittymommy*

      Wait, what?? The series is over, not just the season??? Noooooooo…….

      I am not prepared for this information, I’m going back to bed.

        1. Someone else*

          I believe Ramona Flowers is in the UK where “series”= US “season”. IE one ep left in series/season 2. (hence “this series” not “the series”)

        2. Lady Jay*

          Oh, whew. I’ve loved The Good Place and was very bummed to read “series finale”! But of course, I also love Firefly, so I’m used to loving shows that don’t produce nearly enough episodes. :)

    4. ContentWrangler*

      Have you done Brooklyn 99 yet? The same creator as The Good Place works on Brooklyn 99. Obviously not similar plots or even themes but I feel like Michael Schur’s humor and amazing character development are recognizable in both.

      When my boyfriend and I finished The Good Place we moved on to binging Brooklyn 99. Now we’re caught up on both as it’s terrible waiting!

      1. chocolate tort*

        Agreed, I think they all have a similar vibe somehow. Both of them crack me up at least once per episode, and overall they’re optimistic (even The Good Place, considering!). Brooklyn 99 does a great job of having different characters interact with each other, which creates a lot of cool dynamics. And they both have awesome, diverse, talented casts!

        1. Nicole*

          I recommend giving it a second chance simply because I was very underwhelmed by the show at first as well and almost stopped watching altogether. Even now when I watch the first couple of episodes I don’t enjoy them nearly as much as I do the later ones. It has grown into one of my favorite shows, though!

          1. teclatrans*

            Agreed! The first couple of episodes I just kept watching because of my love for Kristin Bell and Ted Danson, but then it becomes so much more.

            And FWIW, my husband and I have both tried to love Brooklyn 99, and we have both failed. (I am still trying!) I don’t think they are anything alike. I think I am just An Old and don’t get humor based on making the viewer uncomfortable.

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          I love The Good Place. I kinda liked B99 for a bit. Don’t let it put you off The Good Place as it’s SO much better!

    5. Cristina in England*

      I’m right there with you. I hate waiting! I love Ted Danson. And D’Arcy Carden (Janet). And everyone.

    6. ThatGirl*

      I love The Good Place so much, and so does my husband, who is eternally grateful I made him watch it. I don’t know how the fork this season will end.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Aaaugh, I hate when I finish a series and have to wait. I did get caught up on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, so I was able to watch last night’s episode in real time.

      2. Someone else*

        All the seasons of The Good Place have been 13 episodes (and were planned as such). This season the first two aired back to back on the same night, and some websites incorrectly labeled that whole hour as episode 1 (instead of 1+2), and thus all subsequent numbering on said sites was off by one. So that may be why you thought there were two to go.

  3. First time buyer*

    I’m looking to buy my first house (in the UK, that makes a difference) has anyone got any advice or things they wish they’d knew when buying a place? I’ve looked at a few places but I’m feeling really unsure about the whole thing, a mortgage seems like such a big commitment and I’m freaked out by it!

    1. Wrench Turner*

      Flush every toilet, turn on every sink, flip every switch. If you have a small thing you can plug quick and easy in like a cellphone charger, test every outlet. Every. Single. One.

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Also, if it’s an older home, I might bring something that pulls a little more than a cell phone charger, if possible. I only learned about my faulty wiring with a space heater and phone charger plugged into one outlet. Oh, and test the hot water heater.

      2. Cristina in England*

        Don’t do that on your first or even second visit. Save it for after you’ve had an offer accepted (you can make a conditional offer that says you’ll only buy after everything such as electrical services have been tested). I mean, how are you going to test every outlet if their toaster and kettle are plugged in? Bedside lights? Wiring in the UK is nowhere near as dodgy as in the US (said as an American in the U.K.). There are much tighter regulations here.

        1. Wrench Turner*

          When we bought our house we only had 1 visit before we made the offer – which triggered the official inspection as part of the paperwork process. Where I live the market is too hot for houses to get multiple visits before they go and my budget was too tight to wait. Cheers to dodgy American wiring. Commercial real estate isn’t much better!

    2. Merci Dee*

      If it makes you feel better, I understand that combination of excitement and disquiet around home ownership. Once I signed the closing papers, I spent several days swinging between the two extremes. I’d grin wildly like I’d just won the lottery: “I bought a house!”. Then, immediately, the implications of a 30-year mortgage would hit me, along with a little nausea: “Oh, sh*t… I bought a freaking house.”

    3. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      A solid real estate agent goes a long way. Mine was utter crap and I have so many regrets. Also, choose your own inspector, not one your realtor recommends. Mine was also utter crap. Good luck!!

      1. Marzipan*

        I don’t completely understand what a realtor is but I think UK homebuying is a bit different. Here, a property is listed with an estate agent (occasionally more than one) and you contact whichever agent it’s on with to view/make offers, but the agent is basically working for and paid by the vendor, not the purchaser.

        1. ThatGirl*

          In the US both the buyer and seller have their own agents who work together to hammer out details and do the arranging of things.

          1. IT Squirrel*

            I think this is where our solicitors come in. The Estate Agent advises on pricing, lists the house, matches buyers with properties, conducts viewings etc – and in my case as I’m selling a house I don’t live in, holds a key and lets tradesmen in to do surveys etc so I don’t have to be there.
            Once we’ve agreed a sale the Estate Agent pretty much takes a back seat, each party gets a solicitor and they hammer out the details and paperwork.

            1. Scattol*

              In Canada as a buyer you can get an agent. His main contribution is guiding you to suitable area aND properties and helps you pricing your offer. He is you negotiator.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      My partner and I realized this from the beginning, but I’ve seen lots of people who learned it the hard way: prioritize saving over improving the house, including furniture. We still have some of our college furniture 20 years later, although it’s mostly in storage areas now, as we’ve replaced it in the main living areas with nicer stuff very gradually. And we didn’t make any big improvements until we had saved the money to pay for them, or when rates were really low, until we knew we had the income to comfortably pay them off in a few years. In the early years we did a lot of the work ourselves, too, learning as we went.

      So make sure to save enough to replace a furnace or fix a major leak and all the water damage that comes from it, or consider paying for good insurance/home warranty. We now have paid off our mortgage early and have done a bunch of projects, too, and have no debt except one 0% loan we chose to take instead of paying cash. This means we’re much less at risk for having one huge repair or breakdown cause us financial hardship, and to me that’s the kind of security that takes priority over taking nice vacations or having nicer things.

      I’m not saying you should agree, but you should consider now how safe you want to play it, or if you’re OK gambling on not having any big financial setbacks.

    5. tab*

      The thing that surprised me about buying my first house was how much money I spent afterwards just to maintain and furnish it. Make sure that the purchase doesn’t eat up all your available cash. You’ll likely want furniture, cleaning equipment, window treatments, paint, etc. If you’ll have a yard you’ll spend money on garden tools and a lawn mower. It’s still worth it, but make sure you have the money, or generous family and friends.

      1. Lindsay J*

        This. And even if you aren’t planning on purchasing furniture or painting, the small things you didn’t realize you needed or wanted add up quick.

        We brought with us pretty much all the furniture we needed from our apartments, etc. But there were a bunch of small things here or there that added up immensely. Towel racks. A shelf here. A shelf there. A hook here. A hook there. A paper towel holder. New hardware on this cabinet. Something to store stuff in the bathroom as there wasn’t any under sink space. Curtains. Blinds.

        And repairs. We didn’t even have any huge ones. (No roof issues, nothing structural, not the heat, A/C, hot water heater, wiring, piping). But it adds up quickly when you’re used to just calling up the landlord and having them take care of it for free.

    6. AnnaleighUK*

      As you’re in the UK make sure you check and double check and then check again the rules and conditions of freehold/leasehold. You could get caught out in a bad, bad way.

      1. First time buyer*

        I saw an article on Facebook recently about someone who’s house was leasehold I was shocked as I’d never heard of houses nor being freehold.

        The terms of the lease meant the ground rent doubled every 10 years, meaning by the end of the lease it would be over £40,000 (that’s not a typo !!!) someone made an offer to buy it but the banks wouldn’t approve the mortgage.

        1. AnnaleighUK*

          Yeah I saw that too! We’ve just bought a flat with a cafe underneath it and we own the whole lot, but we were worried for a while because the rest of the buildings on the parade were leasehold so I think we lucked out there!

      2. LPUK*

        If you are in the UK you usually have the right to buy the leasehold. My house was leasehold from new, but when I bought it from the builder I was able to pay 10 times the annual lease cost and obtain the freehold. As i’ve been here 17 years now, it’s been a pretty good deal for me

    7. Caledonia*

      I used a mortgage broker for the first time and this really helped me as they do all the sums for you. (Although they also upsell you stuff so watch that)
      Things I wish I knew- urban foxes exist, bin collections, parking, where the gas/electric meters are, is the seller leaving any appliances.

      Also, in Scotland anyway, once your offer has been accepted you can’t see it again until completion

        1. caledonia*

          I don’t know but that’s the way it is…maybe something to do with the legal part of it all?

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Can you make a copy before handing it over?

        Probably they don’t let you see it again so you can’t alter it.

        1. IT Squirrel*

          I assumed Caledonia meant you can’t see the house again until completion! An offer is often made verbally and confirmed in writing by the estate agent after so there’s nothing to ‘hand over’ as such.

    8. Akcipitrokulo*

      Get full survey. I know it’s expensive, but worth it.

      Get the electrics checked out. Found out precious owner liked to think of himself as a handyman when leak from upstairs didn’t blow fuse and kitchen wall was literally sparking…

      1. only acting normal*

        +a billion
        A FULL survey, not just a homebuyers report (definitely on anything older than maybe 20yrs).

    9. Lcsa99*

      You’re gonna end up spending about 4x more than you think for closing costs, furniture and fixing stuff up after you close, so add that to your budget and make sure you can still have wiggle room so you’re not too stressed about your budget when its all said and done.

      (This one was true here in ny, not sure about there) It’s gonna take at least twice (if not 3x) as long as you think to find a place you like that is still acceptable after the inspection, so keep that in mind if you have to factor in your current lease or selling your current home.

    10. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Oops, my first comment was a bit more philosophical than immediately helpful, wasn’t it? :)

      DO NOT skip the home inspection no matter how badly you want the house! I don’t know if it’s the same over there, but in the US, in hot real estate markets where buyers have to compete with each other, some buyers will try to waive the home inspection to speed up the closing and entice the seller into accepting their offer. However, by doing that they are potentially putting themselves on the hook for unexpected repairs in the 5 or even 6-digit range!

      Sorry for all the exclamation points, but it is a bit like my other comment — don’t drive without a seat belt. Just because you’re very likely to be OK doesn’t mean you should put yourself at such a substantial risk.

      1. Liz in a Library*

        After spending the price of my hone over again in major repairs within less than a decade (stuff that should have been caught in inspection), I now recommend friends pay for two separate inspections from different companies.

    11. Lcsa99*

      Also, don’t let anyone push you, including your own attorney or real estate agent, and be prepared for some really scary people. We still talk about “Grandma Shark,” a real estate agent we ran into.

      Don’t let yourself become too discouraged when things get frustrating.

      And take your time. Don’t settle, cause the right place WILL come along.

    12. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Don’t buy a house that you’re not fundamentally happy with. All these tv shows of people buying with the intent to redesign the inside – they bought the wrong house. Make sure you get a good home inspector to look for problems – may not change your mind, but you want to know going in. Don’t fall into the trap of you don’t like the wall color, furniture, etc – those don’t matter right now. You’re worried about layout, size, condition, location, etc. Make sure you have a healthy savings buffer to cover initial costs and ongoing maintenance.

    13. misspiggy*

      Expect estate agents to be lying; verify everything in person, in legal documents or by survey.

      Chase and chase your solicitors to exchange contracts, they often drag their feet at this stage. Be wary of solicitors offering a low fixed fee – they are more likely to be slow and sloppy, and to push you to take out stupid indemnity policies, and can insist to your mortgage company that they’re needed.

    14. Jules the First*

      Stamp duty. It sucks and the bill will be bigger than you expect it to be (unless you’re lucky enough to land somewhere that falls below the threshold).

      Also, get a good mortgage broker – mine found me great options at banks I never would have thought to check, including the option I picked, and she charged a mere £200. Simply having her to listen while I waffled through all the options was worth every penny.

      If this is your first house, don’t rule out help to buy or shared ownership, but look at the terms carefully – they often ding you if you take longer than the minimum term to pay back the help.

      In house hunting specifically, open and close doors and windows and cabinets, turn lights on and off, flush toilets, ask when the boiler was last done, ask about the neighbours, ask about the bills. Look at how much natural light you get; check walls for damp (put your hand on the wall about six inches up and see how cold/clammy it feels); ask about rising damp and flooding (if ground floor or detached); ask about building management and service charges if it’s a block of flats or semi-detached.

      1. First time buyer*

        I’m lucky not to have to worry about stamp duty, first time buyers are exempt for properties up to £300,000 and my budgets is about a third of that.

        I’m not liking the idea of shared ownership, but haven’t heard of help to buy, I’ll check that out.

    15. London Calling*

      Open every cupboard and built in wardrobe to see how big they are. Also, +1 to turning on taps and checking water pressure. Check how old the central heating boiler is. Those babies are not cheap to replace, ask me how I know that.

      If it’s a new build house check whether or not it’s freehold or leasehold, and if the latter, I’d advise that you don’t touch it with a bargepole.

      If you see a property you like check it out a different times of day. Is there a pub nearby that could become noisy at chucking out time? is your road used as a rat-run by commuter traffic? what’s the parking like? what will you commute be like and how long?

      Use checkmystreet.co.uk for local knowledge.

      Remember that the estate agent is working for the vendor, not you.

      1. Bagpuss*

        The estate agent working for the seller is important to remember.
        Don’t use a mortgage advisor at/tied to the agents. See an independent adviser and get your agreement in principle first. The agents can, quite properly, ask for prof that you are proceedable, but you can then get your mortgage lender to write a letter to confirm that you have an agreement in principle for [amount you are offering]. If you use one tied to the agent they will then know what your max. price is,which makes it harder to negotiate.
        Similarly, be cautious about using the conveyancers recommended by the agents, especially if they are pushy about it. Some solicitors / conveyancers pay referral fees to the agents, so the agents may have a financial interest in pushing you one way. (ask. Not all solicitors pay referral fees and agents may make recommendations because they know that a particular firm or individual is good, but shop around and get the solicitor who is best for you.)
        Be wary of ‘free conveyancing’ offers through your mortgage lender. These schemes pay rock bottom amounts so normally the companies which sign up will be of the ‘pile it high, sell it cheap’ variety. (My firm was approached to sign up. At the time the mortgage companies would pay conveyancers about £125 to do the work they were offering their customers as ‘free’ conveyancing. The only way any firm can afford that is f they are having the work done by unqualified, low paid employees with high case loads. It’s worth paying for a proper service.

        Don’t trust the agents. They work for the seller and they don’t have a lot of accountability. If the agent or the seller promises you anything, get it confirmed via your solicitor (things like anything they are leaving taking / including in the sale etc)

        If you are moving from rented accommodation, don’ give notice until you have exchanged contracts – nothing is certain until then and you cannot be sure of your moving date until you complete. This may mean that you have a short overlap when you have both mortgage and rent, but that’s better than being homeless because you’ve given notice on your tenancy and the purchase falls through or the dates change. Plus if you do have an overlap it can be useful – you can get any immediate work you need done, do any painting etc and move stuff in gradually, much less stressful than doing it all on one day.

        When you find a place you want to make an offer on, consider getting a friend or family member to do a second viewing with you, ideally someone who has owned a house. Ask that person to specifically look for, and tell you about, any issues they see. It can be really useful to have someone who isn’t as excited as you are and a second pair of eyes is always handy.

        Redecorating is easy, so try not to be too influences by liking / not liking the colour schemes etc. Look out for houses where there are small areas / one room only with fresh paint – it could be covering up damp or another problem. And if the house is advertised as recently refurbished its worth looking on zoopla and rightmove to see whether it was bought recently, and if so, what for and what has been changed – check you aren’t paying over the odds for cosmetic work someone has done to ‘flip’ the property; you may be better off buying at a lower price and doing/ paying for any work yourself, so you aren’t paying for someone else to make a profit. (plus you get to decorate to your taste, not someone else’s)

        If you are using a LISA or Help to Buy ISA make sure that you (and your conveyancers) fully understand the rules about how and when you can claim the government bonuses.

        Good luck.

    17. First time buyer*

      I also had a another question, when I’ve spoken to a couple of mortgage brokers they want three months bank statements along with payslips.

      I can understand needing to prove my income but I think having to hand over my bank statements is incredibly invasive, there’s nothing much to see on them but I don’t like the idea at all. Does anyone else have any thoughts about it?

      1. Natalie*

        I guess I didn’t really think much of it, but I had to do the same thing. I’m not totally sure what they’re looking for, but in the US at least a lot of this stuff is regulated and they may not have a choice in what they ask for. It’s presumably regulated in the UK as well.

        1. First time buyer*

          From what I’m told after the crash in 2008 lenders have been forced to look at the affordability of the loan which means looking deeper into people’s finances I can understand the reasoning but still don’t like it.

          There looking to get a picture of what your out goings are like and what other financial commitments are.

      2. caledonia*

        Suck it up and do it.

        Like, I get it, it’s not very fun to have someone look at you spend ££ on holidays, takeaways and whatever else but they want to get a sense of what you can realistically afford. How else are they going to do that without your bank statements…?

        Related tip – either PDF your statements or have paper ones to hand.

        1. First time buyer*

          I’ll hand them over but I’m not happy about it. I get the banks need to assess affordability but my wage slips should be enough to show how much of my wages will be left after marking the mortgage payment and that will be plenty to live on.

          I’ve saved a decent deposit and the loan is secured against the house so the banks can’t lose money even if I don’t pay them back, I just irritated by the envision of my privacy, but it is what it is.

          1. Natalie*

            I get what you’re saying but it’s not necessarily true that someone’s wage slips show you they have enough money – what if they spend ridiculously or overdraw constantly? I suspect they are also looking for evidence of other issues, such as gambling, unexplained/potentially dodgy revenue sources*, unreported debt, and so forth.

            It’s pretty typical to have your finances combed through anytime you are attempting to borrow a significant amount of money. I’m not sure one can argue it’s an invasion of privacy when it’s both voluntary (no one has to purchase real property, after all) and directly related to the matter of the loan.

            *Again not sure if this is true in the UK, but in the US I had to substantiate where all of my down payment was coming from partially to prove that I wasn’t laundering money or concealing a loan from a relative. It’s common here for parents to give their children no-interest loans for a downpayment, but if you don’t report that on your mortgage paperwork it’s actually a felony.

            1. AnnaleighUK*

              Basically this – it doesn’t matter how much you earn, your monthly outgoings are more important. For instance I’ve got car insurance, car finance, pet insurance, health insurance, mobile phone, house utilities etc, so the bank needed to see what I was spending before they okayed the mortgage for our place. They did the same with R’s finances too. It’s a standard thing – even if you are buying something on finance, they need to check you can actually afford what the new outgoing is. I had the same checks done when I bought my car. It’s pretty standard.

          2. Bagpuss*

            There are also issues relating to anti money-laundering and proceeds of crime laws. Since the laws are written so that professionals such as lawyers and mortgage advisers can face criminal charges if something turns out to have been dodgy and they failed to make reasonable checks and report anything suspicious, they will err on the side of caution.
            When you get that far, your solicitor / conveyancer will also ask you for proof by way of bank statements etc to show where your deposit is from.

          3. Hildegard Vonbingen*

            Income minus mortgage payment is not the whole story. They’re looking for your fixed debt, first of all. Things like student loan debt payments, credit card payments, child support payments, car payments, insurance payments, phone bills, and other debt that you’re pretty much stuck with (who these days can get by without a phone?). That varies a lot by individual.

            They’re also looking for your spending habits, and whether they’re funded by cash flow or debt. If you’re someone with a growing pile of credit card debt on which you make the minimum payment, that’s not a good thing. If you’re someone who doesn’t save a dime and goes on one or more expensive vacations each year, depleting your funds almost completely, that doesn’t look good either.

            They want to know if you’re likely to default on the mortgage loan and whether they’ll have to foreclose, a process that costs them money. All of the above issues are a factor in making that determination. OK, maybe YOU know that you have little or no outstanding debt, spend within your means, and save money. Not everyone’s in that boat. So it’s standard practice to check these things out. And I don’t blame lenders one bit for this. In fact, I’m glad they do it. Foreclosures are bad news for all involved.

            1. First time buyer*

              But a credit report would show my other monthly credit commitments without needing so much detail.

              1. NeverNicky*

                But it isn’t just credit commitments – some commitments (eg insurance, child support, gym memberships, PAYG/contract free phone) won’t show on a credit report.

      3. Mirth & Merry*

        I don’t know how applicable this is for the UK vs US, but one reason is to see where your down payment/closing costs are coming from. Oh you’ve been saving for years, great! hmmm, a random 5K deposit from out of nowhere, is that a “loan” from a friend/family member you are trying to hide. And it isn’t necessarily a problem to receive cash, the giver just usually has to sign something saying, this is truly a gift, not a loan and they aren’t paying me back.

      4. Merci Dee*

        The mortgage broker is typically looking for a pattern in your spending; basically, they want to make sure you’re not overdrawing your account every other week. They don’t care if you’re eating every meal at restaurants or buying cases of condoms from the local sex store. They just want to ensure that you’re handling your account responsibly over time and that you’re not going to default on your loan in six months. It costs much, much more to take the property back from you than it costs to initially sell it to you.

    18. Grace Carrow*

      Use your own surveyor, not the mortgage company’s. Their surveyor works for them and really only is looking to see that the loan size is appropriate for the property and that there are no glaringly obvious price-affecting issues. Your surveyor works for you and can do a fuller inspection. If you upgrade the lender’s survey then the surveyor’s duty is to tell the lender everything they find. Which can mean that problems you can fix or live with get brought to the lender’s attention and may reduce the amount they are willing to lend, or they put a condition on the mortgage that the faults have to be put right within say 6 months.

      Windows! ask me how I know this. Metal 1920s windows look really cool on the outside of a building but they are likely to not quite close, especially if painted over several times. They are draughty, and rattley, and the 1920s glass is thinner so they lose more heat. They do look pretty cool though. I pretend I’m in a Poirot episode.

      Wooden sash windows – google what dry rot fruiting bodies look like and if you see any of them growing out of the wood, run, (don’t walk) away. 2 other ways to spot it are that the wood cracks across the grain, and it has a weird distinctive smell – a bit like how corked wine smells if you take away the alcohol fumes. Don’t touch a property where it is present.

      On a related matter, if you have any chemical sensitivities, beware of properties that were treated for damp or rot in the 1980s. The chemicals they used then are now banned and their toxicity is frightening. If the property has been treated in the past, the paperwork should be with the seller and you should ask for it. Google Lindane to see if you would be happy living with it.

      Beware of surveyors lying to you. In our first house the hall had its original wooden floor boards, the 2 layers of 1930s and 1950s linoleum, then some 1970s newspaper, then a carpet nailed down every 4 inches round the edge. Our survey told us they had discovered wet and dry rot in the hall floorboards, even though the carpet fixings had not been disturbed, and offered us a discounted price to get it treated by their sister company. The floorboards were fine.

    19. Irene Adler*

      Do you know how to care for a house? Might take a class or find literature on-line on how to do this. Not suggesting that you have to DO the maintenance, but you should know what’s involved and have go-to vendors like plumber, HVAC, electrician, landscaper to call on when needed.
      DO you have someone who can evaluate the condition of the place you wish to buy? It’s one thing to check outlets and toilet function, but another to find out the condition of the house itself. Talking about a professional inspection by a contractor who has the knowledge of house construction.

      Is the siding in good shape? No rot or in need of a paint job?
      Is the roof is in need of minor repair or complete replacement? Can you add another roof on or will you be saddled with the extra expense of removing the old roof?

      How old is the electrical? Can it handle modern appliances? More than one on a circuit? Are you able to bear the cost of upgrading?

      IS there a basement? IS it watertight?
      Any mold issues?
      If the prior owners performed upgrades, were they done to code or to best practices? You don’t want to struggle with someone else’s mistakes. Are all the building permits in order?

      What is the age/condition of water heater, furnace, A/C , water pipes, septic system, etc? Will these be items you will need to fix/replace soon?
      Is the foundation solid and level? If there are cracks in the walls, or near doors & windows, might look into this aspect thoroughly. Any big trees located up against the house with roots that could damage the foundation? Are the carpets hiding anything?

      How well insulated is the house? Might ask to see a year’s worth of utility bills to get an idea of what costs are involved with that.

      Look into the history of the house. When was it built? Who built it? See, sometimes you learn that houses built in certain areas were put up hastily or on poor foundation because there was a huge demand. In San Diego there are houses built on sand during WWII that aren’t in good shape now. They also used substandard materials because that was all that was available. Have such things been remedied in the place you plan to purchase?

      Are there any now banned substances (like asbestos or lead paint) in the house? Will this cause you huge headaches when you want to paint the walls or replace the flooring or remove the ceiling finish (“popcorn” ceiling texture) ? You don’t want to have a home improvement project end up with the hazmat guys in your home scraping off the ceiling texture.

    20. Merci Dee*

      One other thing ….

      You’re going to find a house that’s absolutely wonderful, and that you totally love. Do… not…. be afraid to walk away from that house.

      I adored the house I found, and it was perfect in every way. But the home inspection identified a couple of issues with the pigtail for the power connection from the lines to the house. We informed the seller and requested that they repair it. Several days later, I got word from my agent that the problem had been resolved. I stopped by the property to check out the connection… and I was absolutely livid. Their idea of “resolving” the issue was to move the metal clips away from the power connection and paint the cable with black rubberized paint. And then, when they tried to replace the clips, they cut down through the sheathing and completely exposed the copper wires. Oh, hell no. My agent came out to view the damage, and she got on the phone with the seller’s agent and gave him hell for it. And I told her during her phone conversation (so the other agent could hear) that I would be walking away from the deal if it wasn’t repaired the week before closing. This was a major safety issue, and there was no way I was going to move my daughter into a house that could go up in flames like that. Thankfully, the situation was resolved, for real.

      Sure, it would mean starting from scratch to find a new house, make an offer, etc. But do what’s best for you, even if it means walking away. There will be another place out there you’ll love just as much.

      1. Natalie*

        Yes, this is so true. I did this twice before I bought the house I live in now, and nearly walked away from the house I did buy because the sellers tried to screw around with the repairs they had agreed to. Wouldn’t change a thing.

      2. Irene Adler*

        Excellent call on your part.
        It amazes me how sloppy and unsafe some people’s idea of repair can be. Good for you that you inspected the situation yourself and stood your ground.
        You are right; never fall in love with your choices. Be ready to walk away if need be. Don’t be a patsy.

    21. A Non E. Mouse*

      I think you are supposed to set aside 3 to 5% of your home’s value each year for maintenance – that is the average amount of yearly spend on maintenance, from what I remember.

      At any rate, I’d aim for being able to afford the mortgage, utilities, etc. *plus that 5%* as the total monthly you can afford.

      Some years we spend less than that, some years we spend a LOT more (the year of new windows, doors and siding was….stressful). But there is a near constant spend either urgently needed or on our radar. We set money aside each month for this purpose, and we’ve used every penny usually unplanned and in a hurry.

      An appliance gives out, a “simple” repair reveals something else that needs to be remedied, season-to-season landscape and yard maintenance needs that are never truly super expensive but a couple of hundred dollars makes a huge difference in the appearance of the place. My sister moved into her place a few years ago and within days a freak gust of wind caught her screen door, banged it against the house and shattered the glass! Anything can and will happen. You will need to have cash and credit on hand to deal with it.

      Aside from the money, owning a house is a lot of work. you’ll spend some time each month (if not week) doing something – tightening a screw, fixing a leaking toilet, etc.

    22. Florida*

      Do all the repairs before you move in. For example, if you want to paint the house, renovate anything, redo the floors, etc. Do all of that stuff before you move in. It is so much easier to do it when no one is living there. And renovations suck once you are living there.

    23. Stormy*

      Think about the property in all seasons. The beautiful snow-covered slopes we admired when buying in January turned into treacherous mowing hazards come July. I only have about ten more years before I will medically need to hire out lawn and snow maintenance.

    24. Marzipan*

      I guess a broad category of thing to think about is how much ability/tolerance you have for doing some level of renovation. You’ll definitely come across properties that offer great space and are temptingly bigger/better located/otherwise superior to the usual ones in your price range, but that need some level of work doing to them. It’s a good idea to have an honest think about whether you’re up for that.

      Personally, I can do any amount of painting of walls; and other decorative things like floor coverings and tiling fall within the ‘I can live with this for now and the work involved in sorting it when I’m ready can be done reasonably quickly’. But things that would involve weeks and weeks of having builders there make me stressed. (As does anything with scaffolding). Think about where you stand on that front before starting to seriously look at places.

      The other thing that will help you is to make a list of exactly what you need/want, and a second list of stuff you actually aren’t bothered about but other people might be. So, my must-have list was: two bedrooms, room for my books, room for a dining table, bathroom with a bath, walking distance or easy public transport from work, and preferably a kitchen that was separate from the living room. My ‘don’t care’ list included parking (don’t have a car), and central heating (my old flat didn’t have it so I knew I could get on quite happily without, but people mostly don’t think they can so properties without it tend to be significantly cheaper – meaning there’s the potential to add value later). The flat I ended up buying matched both lists, and was so cheap that people literally didn’t believe me when I told them how much I paid!

      Also – floorplans are great! Look at the floorplans! It’s always amazing to me how my colleagues don’t bother to look at them, but I think they’re such a useful source of information and can help you to see whether a property is a viable option for you. I often look at them and either see things that put me off, or things that pique my interest.

      Hope your search goes well!

    25. Bagpuss*

      Once you find a property, get a proper survey and gas & electrical inspections.
      I’d suggest you use a local solicitor, not a cheap online convyancing factory (they are basically call centres – they have rigid systems and while they are ok if the transaction is completely straightforward, they’re not good at all if there is anything even slightly non-standard.) Ask friends/family for recommendations.
      If you aren’t already a member, sign up on the Martin Lewis money saving website forums – there is a whole section about buying & selling houses and while of course there are some trolls, there are also a lot of really helpful and knowledgeable people.

    26. Anon Male Engineer*

      I know it is touched on in other comments, and my last experience was before 2008 when affordability assessments started, but I found that mortgage companies were always willing to lend FAR more than I could comfortably pay back. Make sure you have your budgeting done with plenty of slack for nasty shocks and surprises.

      1. Natalie*

        No, they still do. I got approved for a mortgage amount that would have been 50% of my takehome income, and it’s not like I was making a ton of money were someone could have easily lived on the remaining 50%. I was under the median income for my area.

    27. LPUK*

      Check the number of electric sockets and placement in each room. In older properties it’s not uncommon to have only a couple in bedrooms etc, and with the amount of electrical equipment and chargers the average household has, you end up using a LOT of extension sockets, which are not as safe. When I had my living room remodelled last year , I had a total of 14 sockets put in, and it’s still not really enough – two are behind a large piece of furniture so i’ve still got extension sockets!

    28. Lindsay J*

      Make sure you’re realistic about what you can, want to, and are going to do.

      We brought our house with a huge ugly deck in the backyard that we intended to renovate, ugly landscaping that I intended to redo, some places we wanted to paint, a fence that needed to be repaired, etc.

      We moved out a year later having done zero of those things. (Well, when we listed it we paid a contractor to redo the fence because we thought the old one was going to hinder the chance of a sale.)

      We just didn’t have time to tackle those projects. And when we did have time, we didn’t want to be sweating our asses off tearing apart a deck when we could be relaxing or doing literally anything else.

      I always thought I would like a fixer upper. I like doing hands-on stuff. But I found really I want my home to be pretty move-in ready. I don’t want to have to put in a ton of work to make it that way, and I also don’t want to have to be dealing with contractors and having my place torn up when I’m tired from working. My house is my sanctuary where I can retreat from having to deal with the rest of the world and do stuff and having a ton of to-dos right off the bat takes away from that feeling.

  4. TL -*

    I am really loving Australia but man, does Australia hate me. I’m covered in bug bites, gotten one nasty sunburn (with sunscreen! apparently I’ve forgotten how to apply it properly) and now I have an amazingly stubborn kidney infection.

    And I’m really grumpy because I want to be out enjoying things but I’m exhausted after going to the bathroom and wiped completely by walking half a block.

    Tell me your terrible travel tales, people! I need to know I’m not the only one irrationally hated by a country.

    1. Crylo Ren*

      When I was a teenager my mom was gifted the use of a beautiful, fully stocked and furnished 2-story mountainside cabin in Lake Tahoe for a week, so up we went. Everything was gorgeous and I wish I could have enjoyed it but I suffered from the worst headaches/nausea the entire time we were in the cabin. It was possibly a combo of the altitude plus the constant overpowering smell of the cedar cabin and surrounding pine trees, which I normally find pleasant but it was just so strong. I immediately felt better when we went down the mountain and I got fresh air – and then got sick again as soon as I spent an hour in the cabin. Trying to sleep was hell.

      To this day I’m still annoyed at my body for not letting me enjoy what should have been an amazing trip!

    2. KR*

      My husband did a deployment to Australia/South Pacific islands and he also burned so much, except he flat out didn’t put on sunscreen much to my annoyance.

    3. Red Reader*

      When I went to Versailles, I got body-checked by a Chinese tour group hard enough to pop the buckle on my belt, then shoved down and literally trampled over by 40 of them. None of the counter staff batted an eyelash or made any attempts to help me, and a lovely Australian woman finally started wading into them hitting them with her purse and yelling at them to try to get them to let me get up. I had footprint bruises all up and down my legs for a week.

      3. Middle School Teacher*

        I believe it. My last trip to Europe with students, we kept running into the same
        Chinese tour group. They were horrible: loud, aggressive, and violent. My kids complained a lot about how violent they were. They just shoved and threw elbows and the only thing that got them to back off was when we started shoving back.

    4. Natalie*

      Mine is also Versailles related. I went with a boyfriend about a decade ago when we were doing a summer work abroad in Ireland. For various reasons (program being less than promised + ludricrous Celtic Tiger housing costs + terrible US/Euro exchange rate), we were flat broke the entire time. But we got to take one weekend trip to Paris thanks to a gift from a kind relative.

      Versailles was our splurge, but we did not realize that they did not have any water available anywhere except the one bathroom (with the huge line). Oh, and it was July. After tromping around the grounds all day and walking from the main palace to the Gran and Petit Trianons (shuttles cost extra) we were ridiculously dehydrated. Like, I really can’t describe what peeing was like later except that we probably needed medical attention.

      At some point we did pay what we felt was a ludicrous 7 euro for 2 cups of orange juice squeezed from the oranges in the garden. As far as I’m concerned it was the best orange juice that has ever existed on earth.

      1. Lily Evans*

        I had the worst time at Versailles too! It started out with me taking the wrong train almost half an hour out of Paris, then waiting 20 minutes to backtrack and feeling like an idiot when I realized that not only do the trains to Versailles say Versailles, they’re also decorated like the palace inside (and full of other tourists). So it had started badly, then half the palace was apparently closed for renovation because it was the off season, so I’d paid full price for like 10 overly crowded rooms. I got lost for the first time walking down the wrong side of the canal for the Grand and Petit Trianon and realized after walking for a good 15 minutes, then had to double back. The woman in front of me at the onsite cafe ordered the last two vegetarian sandwiches, so I was stuck with the worst piece of pizza I’ve ever had in my life. Then I hiked over to where the Trianons actually were, figuring I could catch the shuttle back after. Only to realize that the shuttles were cash only and I had no euros left. And I had to use the bathroom the whole walk back, because the one at the Petit Trianon was out of order. I got lost for the second time, thinking a path I was on led back to the main gardens, only to end up at a trench and having to double back again before finally finding my way back to the palace and to the train station, where I almost started crying when the train was so full I didn’t get a seat. Fortunately an older woman took pity on me and moved her bag to offer me a seat, which I was so thankful for because my legs were shot.

    5. Cookie D'oh*

      I went to Spain with my parents and it was with a tour group. On person came down with a stomach bug. My mom got sick too. After the first leg of the flight back to the States I started to feel off. I just figured it was jet lag. I started to feel extremely nauseous while we were waiting on the last flight home. I thought I would be okay, but then during takeoff I lost it. That was the first and hopefully last time I’ll need to use one of those barf bags in the seat pocket. Luckily I was in the very last row of the plane. I was so embarrassed and felt awful for my fellow passengers. When I got home, my husband caught the same bug. Even worse we both came down with the regular flu shortly after the the stomach bug went away. Spain, I love you, but I’ll always remember that awful last flight home.

    6. Simone R*

      On a trip to England with a friend, she was so allergic to something in the country that he was totally miserable the entire time. Itchy eyes, couldn’t breathe through her nose. Allergy meds took it from the worst reaction I’ve ever seen to a moderate one but didn’t make it go away.

    7. JaffaButter*

      I spent a week in NYC and about a week before I flew there I had a bad bout of sciatica – I could barely walk and moving anything hurt. Undeterred I managed to get to NYC, forgetting that it is a city characterised by walking and subway stairs, and secretly thinking I’d make some kind of magical recovery while I was there. I could barely stand, let alone walk, and it’s safe to say it was the most miserable trip I’ve had in years. I ended up in the ER when my legs swelled on New Year’s Eve and it was the most comfortable few hours I had the entire trip :)

    8. Jules the First*

      My family jokes that spiders have a global vendetta against me – on three of my last four expensive vacations, I’ve been bitten by a spider early in the trip and ended up on steroids and an antibiotic drip for the resulting infection for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.

      Lest you think trip number four proves we’re overreacting about the vendetta, I’ll point out that it’s very difficult to get a spider bite in Iceland in December…

    9. DrWombat*

      I was on vacation in Australia, and something I ate right before my flight back must’ve disagreed with me, because I spent most of the flight back to the US running to and from the bathroom once every hr, hr and a half or so (which when it’s a 17 hr flight, you have a window seat, and you don’t have any stomach meds….not so good). I admit to being on the short and stocky side, much like my online namesake. I was also wearing a dress and leggings for maximum travel comfort but it wasn’t maybe the most flattering for my figure.

      On one such run, I am waiting in line for the lavatory, trying desperately to calm my gut, and the woman seated nearest the bathroom looks pointedly at my stomach and tries to comfort me regarding how terrible morning sickness is and oh isn’t being pregnant terrible etc etc. Being very much not pregnant and rather mortified someone would assume I was (I was only 23 and so not ready for kids) I tried several times to interrupt her, to no avail until finally I said (a bit louder than anticipated, while trying to keep stomach under control). “Not. Pregnant. Overweight and I have food poisoning. Please. Stop.” I was so mortified I wanted to sink through the floor. She didn’t make any more comments after that.

      That flight was also fun because on the way back I got pulled over at customs when the drug sniffing dog alerted on the licorice in my carryon, and the 6 hr layover turned into 12 hrs due to flight delays. But the woman loudly assuming she could commiserate regarding what she thought was going on with me was the worst bit. I laugh about the fact that the licorice alerted the sniffer dog, but that woman’s comments had me mortified for ages after.

      2. Lindsay J*

        My boyfriend got sick just prior to takeoff on our trip from the US to New Zealand. He said he was feeling so ill he contemplated having them return to the gate and deboard him before take-off, but he decided he didn’t want to lose all the non-refundable stuff on the trip he had already paid for.

        He was going back and forth to the bathroom the whole trip, and barely got any sleep. It was awful for him.

        You have my sympathy.

    10. Earthwalker*

      There’s a lovely and remarkably reasonable hotel tucked away among jungle trees a block from the beach in Cairns, where a terrific hotel manager fixed us up with an excellent snorkeling trip to Great Barrier Reef. The only problem was the flying foxes. Oh, cool, we thought, we can see real flying foxes! But the excitement wore out when all night long they chittered and bickered remarkably loudly over the fruit in the trees above our room. As soon as one of us would finally drop off – BAM! – they dropped some sizeable fruit that hit the hotel’s metal roof with the sound of a gun going off. My husband turned on the air conditioner hoping the white noise hum would help but neither it nor earplugs could make a dent in all the ruckus. We still had a great time but we’ve never forgotten those two nights.

    11. This Daydreamer*

      When my sister was a broke college student, a friend of hers offered to pay for a flight out to San Francisco, where he would show her the sights. Cool, free trip!

      Everything went well until it was time to come home. You see, we had a huge snow storm here in Virginia, which rarely happens. She ended up stranded in Dallas for three days with a maxed out credit card. The hotel at the airport wouldn’t take Dad’s card by phone unless he faxed over some stuff. Well, there was a three foot snowfall in between him and any fax machine. Yay for four-star accommodations on a linoleum floor and a purse for a pillow. Meanwhile, Mom had driven up to Washington to meet her flight and was stranded up there, with my sister’s luggage. Funny how the suitcases made it when the passenger didn’t.

      Mom finally left when the roads were clear. She didn’t see any point in staying any longer because it had started snowing again and all of the flights on the board were cancelled. Almost all of the flights. About half an hour after she called to say she was coming home, my sister called to say she finally had a flight home. This was before cell phones so there was no way to tell Mom. I called Dad and he drove up to Dulles to meet her flight. He was completely baffled when I insisted on going with him – hey, it had been me, three cats, a snow shovel, and The Weather Channel for three days. I would have been up for a trip to the dentist.

      We got to Dulles just a few minutes before the flight landed at midnight. There were people sleeping everywhere and mountains of luggage. All that was missing was a Red Cross tent to complete the disaster look. My sister was overjoyed at the concept of a bed and a change of clothes.

      TL,DR: Beware free vacations, even when they come from friends.

    12. Athena*

      Aussie here. Don’t worry, it’s nothing personal. Our country has it out for locals, too. I’m also presently covered in mosquito bites and some mysterious scratches, and I spent last night battling huntsman spiders who came into my room (read: “screaming for someone else to deal with them while I panicked”). No kidney infection, though. Sending good vibes your way for a swift recovery there.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      Not a country, but this one time, a serious boyfriend and I went to see my parents for Thanksgiving. We stayed in a motel and had dinner at my brother’s in-laws’ house. Something I ate beforehand, or a germ of some kind, I know not from where, had infested me. I was fine during dinner, but not too long afterward, I began to feel ill. We went back to the motel and I spent the entire night throwing up. My poor bf got NO sleep. Nobody else got sick.

      The next day, we went to my mum’s and I spent the whole day lying on the sofa alternately watching Space Jam and sleeping. I managed to keep some soda down on the way home the following day (and saw a very cute kitty riding with its owner in a pickup truck at the gas station, aww). But it wasn’t until we got home that I was able to eat and felt anything like normal again. It was the worst road trip I’ve ever taken.

    14. TL -*

      Thanks everybody! Y’all made me laugh and feel a lot better. (some of that is probably the new antibiotics but I feel much less awful about wasting time being sick….there’s so much to do!)

    15. Marzipan*

      I once came down with the flu *on the way to Paris*. Literally on the Eurostar. I was fine when we left, I started to feel rough on the train, by the time we got to the hotel all I could do was lie in bed. For the entire long weekend we were there, all I could do was go from one park bench to the next. I couldn’t go indoors, I felt too hot and horrible. By the time I got home I had such bad earache I was literally lying on the sofa in tears for days and both my eardrums burst. It was really unpleasant!

      1. Lujessmin*

        On a flight home from Buffalo (Sis and I went to Niagara Falls), the same Chinese tour group was on our flight. As soon as the flight was called, they rushed the gate (but the gate agents made them sit down until it was their turn). Once on the plane, they screamed at each other all over the plane. One screamed right in my ear until I screamed right back at him.

        Coming home from Ireland, I had a severe case of the Irish Plague. My head was so stuffy I couldn’t breathe and my ears popped almost continuously. I’m still surprised my sister didn’t end up sick as well.

    16. Jo*

      I’m apparently allergic to Dubai. Every time I spend more than a 12 hour layover there I break out in hives on a random part of my body. The time I was evacuated there for a week the hives appeared a day after I arrived and covered half my face. Only half, mind you, so half my face was red and puffy and the other was fine. Because that totally makes sense as something that would happen…

    17. Rachel Paterson*

      I went on a cruise over Christmas 2016. It was lovely! Apart from running out of sunscreen on an island with no shops, and getting sunstroke and 2nd degree sunburn on my legs in New Caledonia. At a beach that nobody informed us was swarming with bluebottle jellyfish. Luckily, I wasn’t stung, but people around us were screaming and wailing in pain. Then we got back to the ship, put on as much aftersun as we could and took a nap, started to head to dinner but I felt queasy on the way down, then all but collapsed in the dining room, crying about how horribly bad I felt. They wheeled me to the sickbay, gave me a saline and painkiller IV, and I thanked my lucky stars for travel insurance. Went out the next day wrapped in beach towels. I was not missing the turtles, no matter how burned I was! So, not a disaster, but a definite damper!

    18. Lindsay J*

      Back from New Zealand this week. I got a terrible sunburn while I was there as well. A bunch of people made comments about the sun being harsher there.

      I went to Montreal a couple years ago while I had a terrible sinus infection. I sniffed and sneezed and coughed the whole time, had searing pain in my ears on the plane, and threw up in the parking lot of La Ronde, and again in my hotel. We ate our meals at Subway and fast food places because I couldn’t taste anything anyway (and I hate Subway even when I’m in the US).

      I’ve also had several trips derailed by migraines. Nothing like being excited to be on vacation, only to find yourself unable to open your eyes or be around anything that vaguely has a scent without intense pain and the need to vomit.

    19. Lindsay J*

      Oh, also, I went to Germany a couple years ago.

      My last day, I had a flight out of Amsterdam (the taxes on that flight were much less than if I departed from Germany), and so was going to take a train from Cologne to Amsterdam the night before.

      My train was at like 2AM. I’m not sure if this was because it was the only train, or because the ticket was cheaper, or what – I just don’t remember anymore.

      But in my infinite wisdom I was like, “Oh, well I’ll just save on costs by not having a hotel that night. It doesn’t make sense to pay for something I’ll only use for like half the night. I’ll just hang out in the train station until it’s time to go.”

      This was a poor idea.

      I figured I would hang out in a fast food place or coffee shop or similar until closer to my time to leave, but they all closed way earlier than they do in the USA.

      I was thinking the train station would be like an airport. Lots of people around. Plenty of seating. Rest rooms. Heat. Etc.

      Nope.

      There were restrooms, but you had to pay a couple euros to access them.

      There wasn’t heat. It was cold. I was bundled up to walk around all day and was fine then, but sitting still for a long time makes you way colder than if you were active. I was cold.

      There was not plenty of seating. I decided to sit on the ground with my back up against the wall or a sign or something like that. I got yelled at by a cop and so had to stand and wait for seating to open up once more trains had left.

      I eventually found a seat eventually, where I was surrounded by homeless people. They were nice enough. I shared my giant bottle of soda I was toting around with them. When one of the woman began negotiating the sexual favors she was willing to perform for a different types/amounts of alcohol, I became uncomfortable and left.

      I walked around for awhile and eventually found some other seating. Sat down.

      A guy, maybe my age, maybe younger, comes up to me. He looked to be a backpacker that had been staying in hostels. I’m guarded, but willing to make conversation.

      He hits on me and makes sexual comments. Almost immediately.

      I tell him I’m not interested and he needs to leave me alone.

      He does not.

      I tell him again to leave me alone.

      He does not.

      I tell him to fuck off.

      He does not.

      I raise my voice and tell him to fuck off again, hoping that if I make a scene one of the couple dozen people in the immediate area will intervene and tell him to leave me alone, or that he will be ashamed enough to do so.

      Nobody intervenes. He smirks at me and goes, “Why are you yelling? I just want to talk to you and get to know you?”

      I tell him I do not want to get to know him.

      I get up and walk away. I look for the cops that yelled at me for sitting on the ground before. They are nowhere to be found. I go back to sitting by the homeless people. I see backpacker dude pass by a couple times. I don’t think he notices me. If he does he doesn’t react.

      A couple hours later I see a female cop and tell her what happened. She pretty much just gives me a “what do you want me to do about it,” attitude.

      Also, a lot of the areas smelled like piss. I’m guessing because some people could not afford the couple Euro cost, but still needed to pee.

      Overall it was an unpleasant experience and I know next time I will just get a hotel, or at least research more before deciding that just hanging out in the train station for hours on end will be just fine.

    20. Mbarr*

      Oh man, I looooove travel horror stories – mainly because they’re hilarious after the fact! Here we go:
      – I had to travel from Montreal to Toronto by plane for a business conference. That day I came down with a virus or food poisoning, I couldn’t keep anything in my system, but I had no choice, the conference couldn’t happen without me. On the plane, I suddenly realized I was going to barf or pass out. I started walking to the washroom, but the room was getting dark, and I was grabbing the backs of seats to keep my balance. Suddenly I woke up on the floor – I had passed out. (I realize after the fact, I was probably grabbing people’s heads and not the backs of the seats.) I had to assure the staff that it was just a bit of food poisoning and no, I didn’t need an ambulance.
      – During a solo backpacking trip to Eastern Europe, I picked up a bug or food poisoning on my last day in Budapest. I spent the night vomiting all over the hostel’s washroom. Then, the next day I had an 8 hour train ride to Prague. I managed to puke on the train (in between cars – some lady beat me to the washroom and I couldn’t aim into the garbage can properly). In my defense, I tried finding a staff member to clean up, but gave up. I spent 4 days in Prague doing nothing but eating crackers and bananas. Luckily this was during the Iceland volcano eruption, so I didn’t have to share my hostel room with anyone else.
      – Most recently I was in the Philippines for a business trip. Despite taking lots of care, I managed to get food poisoning (we think it was from some ice cubes in some lemonade). I puked before leaving for the office, but it made me feel better, so I thought I was good to go. Alas no. 20 minutes of being in the office, I got sick again, puked all over the washroom (I also had diarrhea, and felt one mess would be easier for the cleaning staff to deal with than the other). My coworkers called for a private car to take me back to the hotel, but the trip from the 36th floor down to the car park was the longest of my life. I was caught between wanting to puke and wanting to pass out the entire trip. I had to stop at the Security desk and ask for a chair, cause I didn’t think I’d make it. I spent 15 minutes giving myself a peptalk, “C’mon, it’s only 40 feet to the car. You can do it!” I spent the rest of the weekend recuperating. My coworkers also got sick. Luckily I recuperated enough to try the Filipino delicacy, balut, before I left (Google it, I dare you :D).
      – Also… Squatting toilets in China. I have many stories. But I’ll just leave you with this one… I once misaimed when going #2. I tried scooping things into the hole, but gave up and left the scene of the crime…

    21. ThursdaysGeek*

      This happened to my mother-in-law and brother-in-law. They were going from Washington state to a funeral for a cousin fairly far north in Alberta. They called us from a town not very far into Alberta. They were stuck. The car had quit working, and it was a weekend, so they had to wait until Monday before something opened up and they could get it fixed. Which was ok, because the road ahead was closed with snow and they wouldn’t be able to get through anyway. And even if the car worked, they wouldn’t be able to come home, because a landslide had closed the road behind them. They’d had a several hour detour while still in WA because of a dust storm. And all that wouldn’t be so bad, but there was a power outage in the town and they’d checked into a cold motel room with a candle and no TV, and had futilely walked around the cold town looking for a place to buy a cup of hot coffee or some food.

      But hey, they didn’t get sick!

  5. The Commoner*

    I wish for a better way to tell people to not criticize me for being down lately.

    We had to put our oldest dog to sleep yesterday. She had been sick for a long time……and we are heartbroken. This with having a parent ail and pass within the last year, along with a college friend and an online friend.

    Is it impolite to answer people truthfully when they ask how I’m doing? I’m grieving. Death and suffering is a constant reminder. I’d rather hear about their experiences, pleasant or goofy.

    1. Wrench Turner*

      I’m so sorry about your family, furry or otherwise. It’s never easy. Ever. It’s okay to say “Going through a rough spell, but I’d rather not talk about it. How are you? How’s your family?”

    4. Akcipitrokulo*

      Depends. In a previous aam “How are you?” casually was translated as “I akcnowledge you, Fellow Human!”

      If it’s that level, then “Oh, yiu know… how’s things with you?” is fine.

      If it’s more personal, go with how you read situation at time and how much you want to get into it.

    5. Natalie*

      To a certain extent, it depends on who you’re talking to. The grocery cashier is basically saying hello, so probably say “I’m okay” at worst to them. But your friends and family and neighbors that actually know and care about you likely do want to know how you’re actually doing! So go ahead and say your not doing great.

      1. Grad Student*

        This is basically what I do! For strangers/relative strangers who I don’t think want a real answer, my response varies between “good” (or “well”) and “okay”–no further to either extreme. For people I have more of a relationship with, I don’t think about politeness as much as I think about “this person cares about me, and I am sad, so I will say so.”

        And like Wrench Turner said, you don’t have to get into it–could be “honestly, not well; I’m grieving some losses and at this point talking about it more doesn’t help. But what’s going on with you?”

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          A Lush sales assistant once asked me how I was in an excessively peppy voice when I was having a terrible day. I burst into tears. A couple of them gave me a free hand massage and told me a made up story about ninjas who throw rotten face masks at people. It was awesome.

          The Commoner, I’m sorry for your losses and your grief.

      2. Lindsay J*

        My go-to with sales associates etc, where I know they don’t actually care or want to hear about my problems, is, something along the lines of, “Eh, I’m alive and that’s what counts, right?” So I’m not pretending that I’m fine, but I’m also not dumping on them. Then I pretty quickly ask them how they’re doing or change the topic.

    6. Alpha Bravo*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s part of life, but losing friends and family (human or otherwise) just sucks. I lost my BIL and spouse last year, and a beloved uncle the year before. It’s been just over 3 months since my husband passed. I normally answer “How are you doing?” with “Okay.” That’s the truth, and about as much of it as I generally want to get into. People *usually* don’t push. When they do, I totally get the inclination to blurt out the full unvarnished truth. I honestly see nothing awful in your script above. The question I hate with a fiery hatred of hate is “What can I do for you?” Particularly when asked over and over again, and asker has been told repeatedly there is nothing I need or that anyone can do other than keep me in their prayers. I mean, I get that they want to DO SOMETHING. But there is nothing they can do, and I simply do not have the energy right now to wrack my brain thinking of something they can do to help them feel better. Sometimes I want to scream “Unless you have the power to bring back the dead there is absolutely nothing you can do for me so PLEASE STFU!” I wouldn’t advise actually saying this though. Your script is much better.

      1. The Commoner*

        Gosh I’m sorry. That sounds really hard and my thoughts are with you.

        Thank you for your insight. I agree on the script – It’s a challenge to get some people to back down at times without screaming. :)

    7. AnonEMoose*

      I’m sorry for your losses. I think something like “it’s been a tough year, but you are you doing?” is an entirely reasonable response. It’s an acknowledgement that you’re not doing so great, but is also a hint that you don’t want to talk about it right then.

    8. Gaia*

      I’m really sorry for your loss. I had to put down my dog last May and yesterday would have been the 10th anniversary of his rescue date. Honestly? The pain is less now but it is still there. Sometimes I’ll see a cute dog on the street and my heart will yearn to be walking with my friend. I can’t watch vet shows on TV because all I think of is that last visit to the vet’s office and holding my dog as he fell asleep the last time.

      Most days are fine now in a way I didn’t think they would ever be fine again. But it still hurts and I’m sorry you’re feeling this pain. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

    10. LilySparrow*

      I’m sorry for your losses. Ive had years like that – just coming off one now, as a matter of fact. It’s awful.
      It’s not impolite to be truthful about how you’re doing, but you do need to judge what kind of conversation you really want to have at that moment.
      Is this a person, time & place where getting it off your chest will make you feel better? Or are you going to wind up being dismissed, criticized, told what you “really ought to” do, or worst of all, reassuring *them?*

      If you’re with a safe and thoughtful person, go ahead and say, “Yeah, having a tough time.” Or “Not so great,” and follow up with, “But I’d rather hear about what’s going on with you.” Or “I could use a smile right now- have any good news?”

      If it’s not a helpful person, or the context really isn’t conducive to explaining what you’re dealing with, it’s okay to just be, “Fine, and you?”

      It’s not being dishonest. It’s just being selective about who you invite in.

      It’s really an obligation of basic decency that when someone tells us they’re not okay, we should ask what’s wrong. So if you don’t want to open up a whole conversation about what’s wrong and deal with their hamfisted attempts to “help,” then it’s easier to leave that door politely shut.

    11. LilySparrow*

      I also had a teacher once who, when asked how she was, invariably answered, “Fair to partly.”
      I have no idea what she meant by it exactly, but it was pleasant yet off-kilter enough that it let her steer the conversation wherever she wanted to go.

    12. Slartibartfast*

      When my pain levels are high and I can’t manage to say I’m fine when I’m not, I answer “How are you doing?” “Oh, I’m doing. How about you?” Or maybe “Same as always”, “The usual”, and redirect, “You?” Because even with friends and family, I don’t want to bitch all the time, or explain today’s a 4 or a 7 on the pain scale, there isn’t anything they can do about it so I don’t want to dwell on it.

    14. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s fine to answer friends truthfully, as they will want to support you. Let them know what you want – to talk about how you are really feeling, or if you want to hear their latest escapade to take your mind off of your grief.

    15. This Daydreamer*

      I am so sorry for everything you’re going through. If anyone tells you to smile, I’ll give you an alibi for whatever actions you have to take.

    18. Former Employee*

      I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through recently.

      I agree with others who said that your response should be based on the person who is asking how you are and your relationship (or lack thereof) with them.

    19. Sled Dog Mama*

      As others have said if the interaction is essentially “I acknowledge you fellow human” it’s perfectly ok to simply respond with “How are you?” And not actually answer the question. When I studied Russian in college I learned that a common response to how are you is to essentially say “Nothing” there’s no good equivalent in English but I will often respond with “meh” when I’m having a bad day and don’t want to get into it.
      If the interaction is with someone who I know genuinely cares then I have no problem saying how I actually feel. Sometimes it surprises people but people who genuinely care will understand that grief is part of life and when you are grieving a big loss that grief becomes a part of you.
      As an aside, my mother would often begin conversations with the superficial how are you, and after we’d been talking for a bit ask “how’s your heart” which was her way of specificity asking about how I was coping , I always have appreciated that she asked specifically about grief

  6. Out of bandwidth*

    I’m feeling so overwhelmed. Yesterday, we said goodbye to our beloved 13 year old dog. I know we made the right decision, but we’re heartbroken. Meanwhile, movers arrive early next week for our long-distance move, and we’re finishing up getting our house ready for the market. So… new jobs, new house, loss of a pet— too much change. I feel raw and sick and wish I could cancel all the moving plans so we could just grieve.

    6. The Commoner*

      I’m so sorry. We too had to say goodbye to our dog yesterday. Hoping for a better day for you soon.

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you have to deal with this all at the same time. I hope you regain your footing soon.

  7. ECHM*

    I am an avid reader and periodic poster who had a sweet AAM moment the other day. I was talking with my husband about something I had read here and I found myself saying “and some of my friends at Ask a Manager” …

      1. Loopy*

        I swear I am not trying to take credit Alison! It has a different connotation to me when I say it (i.e the website I am always glued to/browsing/referring to) but when I wrote it out just now it sounded like I’m saying the website I run/own/started. Oops! Definitely never sounded that way in context!

          1. Loopy*

            I can see you getting an email now “Dear Alison, my coworker is delusional and keeps claiming credit for websites she very clearly doesn’t run. How to I gently explain that Ask A Manager is not her website? I’m concerned she may start believing she’s the CEO of our company if this goes unchecked!”

            Time to add “favorite” in that phrase, lol!

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        My whole family knows about AAM because I’m always dropping “Ask a Manager says …” , “Alison says …”, or folks at “Ask a Manager say …” into our conversations. Also when they ask what I’m doing, I say, “Reading my blog”, and they know it’s AAM.

    6. D.W.*

      This has become something my dad and I talk about on my walk home from work. I call him and he says, “So what was the best story on AAM today?” If we haven’ talked for a few days the question changes to, “You haven’t sent me any stories from AAM!” in a whiny voice.

  8. The RO-Cat*

    I’m sorry Simona Halep lost the Australian Open final, but boy, what a match! I can think of no one worthier right now of no. 1 spot than Caroline Wozniacki. Well done, Caro, keep on, Simo!

    1. Caledonia*

      Yes, match of the women’s was Halep vs Kerber. Hopefully Halep can win one soon. Glad Wozniacki finally won a slam, she had been around for ages (She is only 27!)

  9. Table For One Please*

    I’m going to bring up that which we don’t mention on the weekends – WORK – but I swear my concern is for my life outside of work.

    I’m one of those people who loves to spend time with my friends and family, but I need to recharge from those meet ups with some alone time. In my old job, I was very isolated in my position, rarely talking with anyone. That was great for my weekends and time off because it meant I was really eager to spend time with my loved ones and do things with them.

    However, I have gotten a new job that requires a lot more interaction and chit-chat with my coworkers. I don’t have the long stretches of no-contact that i did at my last job. It’s nice because I’m certainly more engaged and enjoying myself more than I did before but my social life is now taking a hit. After being engaged with other people so often at work, I’ve been needing more quiet alone time than I did before. I’m passing on more friend/family interactions on the evenings and weekends because I need the relaxing alone time. Last night, I deliberately took myself to a solo dinner because I knew my roommate was having friends over and I wanted to shorten my time at home with other people around. I have plans with a friend this weekend that I’m not terribly looking forward to because I want the quiet.

    So how do I balance my new more engaging job with still wanting to spend time with my loved ones when work is taking more of my ‘human interaction’ energy than before?

    1. OperaArt*

      I don’t have a good answer, but I understand how you feel.
      I treat my “people interacting-energy” like I treat my money—there’s a set amount to “spend” and it must be done thoughtfully. Sort of an energy budget, if you will.

    2. Old Biddy*

      I’m in a similar situation. Ten years ago I had a job with less interaction and I was single (I had a boyfriend but we didn’t live together). I was usually up to go out and do stuff with friends. Now I have a lot more interaction and interruptions at work, and I’m married to a super talkative extrovert. I need more decompression time than before and I really hate talking on the phone now. Anyway, I find it helps to have some rituals (exercise, a bath, baking) where I can decompress, and show up later/leave slightly earlier from parties, etc.
      It also helps to be aware what types of events are more draining for you and either skip or make an early exit. I like seeing bands and meeting up with individuals or small groups of people. Larger groups are also ok if I am either good friends with most of them or it’s not too loud.

      1. The Curator*

        I try not to do anything social on school nights and Saturday mornings are me time. Gives me decompression time. Large gatherings-go late, leave early. No one notices.

    3. Jules the First*

      I’m struggling with this one too. Is there an option for you to work from home a couple days a month to give yourself a break? I also find that zoning out into a good podcast on my way home can provide a much-needed decompression/island of privacy even on public transport.

      I had such interesting plans for this weekend and woke up this morning knowing that I needed a hunker-down day, so I cancelled my plans and have spent the day on the sofa binging on netflix. I just checked and realised this is only the second day since December 17th where I’ve not had to be sociable…no wonder I needed a day off!

    4. Natalie*

      It’s not clear to me if the extra chit chat is a core part of your job or just an expected part of your office. If it’s the latter, I’d recommend building in some break spaces at work. Eat your lunch alone. If you can do flex time, come in early or stay late and get some work done when the office is empty. Put on headphones for an hour a day to do a focus task.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      We narrowed it down to Saturday. Nights were totally out. Sunday was our prep day for the up coming week and that left Saturday.
      I did do phone calls and later emails.
      It’s hard to find that extra time.

  10. Thlayli*

    Is orherkin a religion? Someone posted about otherkin on the work board yesterday and I told him (think it was a him based on name) to post here. But I dunno if he will. He referred to otherkin as a religion but I difnt think it was generally regarded as a religion, by otherkin themselves or by humans. Does anyone know what the definition of a religion is and whether otherkin meets that definition?

    For those who don’t know otherkin are people who identify as non-human or partly human and partly other.

    1. ainomiaka*

      I remember that. I think that was meant to be facetious, like “what are the definitions of a religion, do we have to let everyone count?” I have never heard anyone call otherkin a religion, more like an identity. But I am not involved in the community and don’t have anything like a random sampling.

      1. Thlayli*

        Yeah I thought it was a identity thing too. I thought otherkin see their other identity as so much a part of themselves that calling it a religion would be offensive to them, like calling someone’s gender or sexual orientation their “religion”.

        At least some otherkin must feel differently about this though, because this guy referred to himself as otherkin and referred to being otherkin as his religion. So now I’m confused coz I thought I knew what it meant but I must be wrong.

        1. fposte*

          I think people have different takes on what “religion” means, but I think you make a really interesting point about its seeming like it might be insulting. Hadn’t thought of that.

        2. paul*

          I will probably catch flack, but if he’s claiming his identiy is a different species (including possibly one that doesn’t even exist) I’m going to have a hard time taking any claim relating to it seriously.

        3. Elizabeth H.*

          Regardless of whichever commenter posted about it recently, I did go back and look at the comments about it on an open thread in December, and even though I’m not personally someone who relates to the other kin identity I did think the comments were hurtful and went to pretty good lengths to make jokes about it. Clearly, it’s not a mainstream or common identity or set of interests to have, but it’s always seemed to me like something the people who identify with it take seriously and now that I’ve read the comments they do seem like mean spirited jokes.

    2. fposte*

      Are you talking about philosophically or legally? Legally it’s going to depend where you are and what context.

      To me, philosophically, the iterations I’ve heard aren’t a religion because they’re not a belief system; it’s just, as ainomiaka says, an identity. I can believe all kinds of things about who I am that don’t act as religions.

      1. Thlayli*

        Philosophically I suppose. I don’t think it’s a legally recognised religion anywhere (though I could be wrong).

    3. Temperance*

      It’s not a religion. What I think he was getting at was that people generally don’t poke fun at religious beliefs, even if they are seen as wacky, but his core identity as someone who is half-unicorn or whatever is up for mockery.

      I get where he’s coming from, although I don’t really see otherkin as an identity akin to being part of the LGBT community.

        1. fposte*

          Do you mean that personally, or do you mean that that seems to be how the media operates? I don’t personally see any reason why Scientology should operate under any different rules, but I agree it often gets a different treatment in the media.

                1. fposte*

                  Yes, I know. But faith isn’t inherently about a single founder, and its validity doesn’t correlate to an external truth. Otherwise, as Temperance and I are saying downthread, most of them fall on the Scientology side of the line.

                2. Torrance*

                  At least he was honest about it? I mean, there are numerous scripture passages about tithing in the Bible, for instance, and another popular mainstream religion was founded by a purported con artist who frequently fled prosecution on fraud-related charges.

                  L Ron Hubbard was absolutely no saint but there are few religions, especially in their modern incarnations, that have clean hands and pure hearts.

                3. INTP*

                  The upper echelons of the Catholic Church have made some pretty blatantly political decisions in its history that clearly weren’t related to any sort of message from the heavens. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to mock people for thinking that the pope is legit.

                  Actually, I’m fine with people mocking religious institutions that behave in ways that are toxic or try to influence the lives of people that are not willingly and without duress participating in that religion (being involved in politics, systematic methods of punishing people for leaving the religion), which is most large religious institutions. But mocking the institution is different from mocking individuals for believing in it. Most of us hold our religious beliefs or lack thereof due to a combination of life circumstances and not because we were smart enough to figure out which religion is the objectively correct one.

            2. anonagain*

              I agree that it’s exploitative and abusive. I disagree with mocking it, because I think it’s a dangerous scam.

              I think its adherents are vulnerable people who have been targeted and taken advantage of and I’m certainly not going to poke fun of anyone for that.

              I don’t think jokes do anything to reduce the influence of the scammers themselves, who can just point to mockery as evidence of the hostility of the outside world and the importance of cutting off contact with the rest of us.

              I also want people in any kind of situation of abuse to know that I don’t think they are stupid. And I don’t. I don’t want to contribute to their shame and make it harder for them to ask for help.

        2. Nacho*

          I feel like religions only gets a pass on their more wacky beliefs because, at their core, most religions have good intentions. I’m fine with you believing in a guy who can walk on water and create bread and fish out of thin air if that’s what it takes to teach you about being a good person.

          Scientology doesn’t have those same good intentions, so it’s open season on mocking them.

          1. Temperance*

            Meh, I think it’s kind of unfair to slam Scientologists for not having “good intentions” and write off all other religions as fine. I mean, some have a huge pull on the government, some have a decades-long child sex abuse conspiracy, almost all subjugate women …..

            1. fposte*

              Yup. They almost all have some component of good intentions, and they almost all have a generous component of bad acts as well as, well, bad faith.

              I also find myself more put off by faith approaches that emphasize an us and a them: the saved and the unsaved, the priestable and the unpriestable, the otherkin and the non-otherkin. So far I haven’t met anybody with a committed belief in otherkin as a central notion for all humans, or that it’s happened to some humans but *not* themselves. Rather than faith approaches that position believers at the center of the matrix, I like the ones that talk about ways to be a good person/being in the world.

              1. Elf*

                I think this is a core for me as an atheist: There’s nothing but this and no one is going to save us, which means that it is the responsibility of people to help other people and to make the world a better place.

                1. Elizabeth West*

                  Well the ‘which means’ part is how I was brought up as a Catholic, but quite a few folks who subscribe to Christianity seem to have gone totally off the rails on that point.

            2. Jean (just Jean)*

              >almost all subjugate women …..

              A gender-equity-supportive onlooker will see this in the more traditional expressions of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, but all three faiths also have followers who are deliberately working to change this: ordaining women, changing the liturgy, expanding the body of literature and historical knowledge, adjusting the religious school curriculum, modifying the community dress code… Yes, it’s time measured in decades, not centuries, but it’s a start.

              I’m not saying that everyone Must Be Religious–I just wanted to call attention to the liberal side of the religious spectrum.

              1. Temperance*

                Okay, honest question: do you really think that I, and others, am not aware that there are liberal religious folks? Whenever I make a comment that points out anything even remotely negative about religion, someone will step up to #notallChristians. Why is this? What is the end goal?

                1. Alice*

                  Maybe the people who do this feel erased by popular culture’s representation of megachurches and the prosperity gospel as Christianity. Maybe they themselves did not know, growing up in conservative or areligious families, that liberal religious organizations existed.
                  You are well-informed – great. But lots of people who read these exchanges won’t have heard about “open and affirming” congregations, or know what that jargon means.

                2. Temperance*

                  As a non-religious person, getting “educated” about #notallChristians is offensive to me. It’s a form of proseltyzing, and it assumes that I am an atheist just because I dislike many of the things that mainstream religions are doing, and that if I had all of the information, I’d believe again. I’m a non-believer because I’m a non-believer, but I also do believe that these organization have too much power and hurt too many people.

                  The fact of the matter is that megachurches and their ilk do have a ton of societal power and pull, and that if someone were so inclined and looking for Jesus, they could quite easily find a church that meets their needs. No need to correct anyone who expresses an opinion or states a fact that is less than supportive of the church.

                3. Jean (just Jean)*

                  I apologize if I offended you. I think that Alice said it very well in her second paragraph:
                  You are well-informed – great. But lots of people who read these exchanges won’t have heard about “open and affirming” congregations, or know what that jargon means.

                  When I wrote “I’m not saying that everyone Must Be Religious–I just wanted to call attention to the liberal side of the religious spectrum.” I meant exactly that:
                  a) it is totally okay to be nonreligious, atheistic, agnostic and/or any combination
                  b) it is also a fact that not all Religious Folk agree with the strictest dictates and/or most restrictive interpretations available within their particular faith

                  I personally derive great personal benefits from belonging to my congregation. The feeling of membership is something I would love to share with other people–but NOT at the price of rolling over other people’s questions, skepticism, doubts, or passionate disagreements.

                  There are many badly behaved religious organizations. Over time and space we’ve seen some megachurches, the Inquisition, some branches of Judaism, some offshoots of Islam and a ton of individuals from all traditions act with deliberate cruelty. But we’ve also seen a lot of well-behaved organizations and individuals: Holocaust resisters, including folks who hid people to keep them safe from persecution and death; all sorts of social organizers; people who fought against slavery, child labor, sweatshop workplace conditions, apartheid…

                  Can’t stay online now–have to go meet someone in the real world. I hope this was helpful. I’m truly not part of Conversions R Us.

                4. Temperance*

                  @Jean:

                  Honestly, I still think it’s disrespectful and proselytzing to chime in with #notallChristians. I’m not alone in that – you can google the hashtag and learn a lot.

                  If you do want to proseltyze about liberal Christians, instead of negging and responding when someone else is critical, you could try speaking out not in response to an atheist, but to a hateful Christian. That would give you more credibility.

                5. Alice*

                  Negging? I know what that means in the context of pick up artists, but I’m not seeing what you mean.

              2. Jean (just Jean)*

                Temperance, I was talking about all religions, not just Christianity. Speaking personally, I can’t say anything too extensive about any aspect of Christianity because I’m Jewish. (I promise to go educate myself about #notallChristians.) I did not self-identify earlier in this thread because it didn’t seem germane.

                As for whether or not I’ve spoken with evangelical Christians…? Yes, a few times, with varying degrees of self-restraint and varying levels of effective communication on both sides of the conversation.

                What’s my end game? Only to point out to anyone who might want to be religious–but has only been exposed or hurt by the conservative / literalist / orthodox / rigid end of the spectrum–that there are also liberal choices. I’m not insisting that people MUST be religiously affiliated and active.

                If people don’t have religion in their lives, I may be a bit puzzled; but any sports fan would look at me with amazement that I live an essentially sports-free life. Hey, it’s usually not my thing to care which of two teams wins a game with a ball or a hockey puck or a mountain and several pairs of skis. Some people are not wired for spiritual life. Some people don’t like to join organizations. As long as nobody is actively forcibly signing up other people and/or harming those who decline, it’s all good.

                1. all aboard the anon train*

                  Sports and religion are really not comparable. People don’t get continually ostracized from communities, abused, harassed, or physically harmed for not liking sports the way they do for their religious – or lack of religious – beliefs.

                  Someone is not going to lose their job because they like the wrong sports team or don’t enjoy sports. Someone may lose their job because of their religion or lack of religious affiliation (whether it’s legal or not, it’s still happens).

    4. LilySparrow*

      Well, I think you’d have to subscribe to a rather particular set of beliefs about the nature of reality and consciousness to think it was possible to be non-human in a human body, or to be more than one species at the same time.
      So in that respect, it could be part of a whole construct of beliefs that might be similar to a religion.
      But a religion encompasses a lot more than one’s own identity.

      1. JamieS*

        I’m not too familiar with this having just heard of otherkin about 2 minutes ago but logically speaking if they believe they’re nonhuman then wouldn’t they believe their body isn’t a human body but something else?

        1. TassieTiger*

          There is an aspect to otherkin called “astral” or “phantom” —some people say they have “astral wings” for instance, if they are dragon kin—meaning they can physically feel wings on their body. Hope this helps!

    5. Eric*

      I posted the exact same thing I posted in the thread yesterday based on your advice. I had also emailed Alison about how I felt about the comments but she made the decision to let them stand. My post in this thread (the exact same one as yesterday) was removed. I am not able to post it again as it goes to moderation.

      Based on the comments here as well as Alison’s response to my email and deleting of my post I will no longer be visiting here. I’m sorry my identity is a joke to everyone. I didn’t use profanity or get angry. I didn’t insult anyone. Yet I was insulted. I’m sorry i am viewed as “crazy” and less than. This community is not as inclusive as it pretends.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        It wasn’t removed; it was never released from moderation. You’ve been banned from commenting here because of previous rude and hostile comments to other commenters, as well as sock puppetry, which I’ve explained to you in the past. Please respect that.

  11. Anonymous Ampersand*

    This is the poster formerly known as Purple Snowdrop.

    Just wanted to drop in and say I’m getting MUCH better than I did last Saturday, and thank you all for a) the support last week and b) helping me recalibrate my idea of what people actually get done on a Saturday!

    I’m still having a bloody awful time – job under threat, still dealing with the aftermath of, well, my entire life, getting divorced, trying to get my mortgage through before the threat to my job is official, moderate anxiety and depression that’s nudging into severe, helping Small Child through his emotions, dealing with some educational issues he’s having, oh and I had a sore throat for three bloody weeks that ended up needing medication. Oh and minor surgery a few weeks ago too. And a return to work after two months off sick. But I’m being as realistic as I can about what to expect of myself and trying to allow myself time to recover and eat better and things.

    4. caledonia*

      Hello!
      I like &’s :)

      Anyway, it sounds like you have had a lot on your plate but hopefully this is the universes way of getting rid of all the c*ap and giving you a fresh start.

      One foot in front of the other.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      You are doing great. Hey, this is your Mt. Everest, right? You got this far, you will get through it. And once you come out the other side of this the rest of the mountains in life will appear smaller and much more doable. You will go quite a while before something is this hard again, if ever. Fingers cross and good vibes, on the mortgage, the job, SC and your health.

    8. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Thanks all.

      I tell you what. I haven’t told my parents that my job is under threat and I’m so glad I made that call. If they knew I’d be managing my mum’s emotions about it and fending off offers of help that I don’t really want. My sisters know and I’m talking to my friends about it but giving myself that break was a really good call. If the threat becomes official fair enough that will be the time to tell them.

    9. I Am Still Furious!!*

      Really rooting for you! It’s a lot to handle all at one time. I keep this in mind, if it helps. One of my Dad’s friends, an old car guy, told me, “you can’t go in reverse. You can’t stay in neutral, you gotta drop it in drive and go forward.” I think about that often. Sending a hug your way!

  12. Merci Dee*

    Good grief, I’m turning into a homebody.

    Kiddo went to a friend’s birthday slumber party last night, so I had a night to myself. What did I do? I ran out for dinner at my favorite Mexican place (since she whines every time we go there, but, my gah, I can’t leave their queso flameado alone), and then I came right back home. Started thinking about laundry I need to do this morning before I collapsed into bed early.

    I used to go out and have fun. Back in the days when I had energy. I suspect my kid is siphoning off all my pep and taking it for her own. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

      1. Amadeo*

        Yes, me too. My friends can’t spring ‘lets meet!’ on me with no advance warning. I like to see them, but I also need to mentally prep to go be social somewhere that’s not home (and also at least a half hour drive).

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Same here. Yesterday I basically made my boyfriend go out so I could have a much-needed night to myself, eating food he hates and watching Grace and Frankie. I also ended up with a raging headache. But damn, I needed that.

        I have become much more of a homebody since moving out of NYC. When I had a small apartment and I used public transportation, it was so easy to pop out and see friends. Now I have to drive to see people, and it takes more mental energy than I often want to use. Our wonderful friends within walking distance moved away last summer and I miss them, because with them I hit the jackpot– people I felt totally comfortable hanging with and we could just drop in on each other? Rare.

      3. banana&tanger*

        Accepting my homebody-ness is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I love being at home alone. I usually prefer it to going out with friends or even on my own. And that’s ok. Just because our culture says it is weird doesn’t mean it is. I’m a better me when I’ve had a lot of quiet time. Embrace the time you get away from kids and ignore the voice telling you that the cool people would be out and about. Enjoy what makes you feel relaxed and happy.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      No kid here. I love being home. There are too many days I have to go racing out the door. I thought I was off the hook today but nooooo. I needed to do a dump run and the coffee pot quit. Out the door I went. Maybe tomorrow.

    3. Former Employee*

      Of course that makes sense. After all, look how much they take when they’re still in the womb!

      Being a long time homebody myself, I welcome you to the club.

  13. PlantLady*

    Husband and I have a neighborhood potluck scheduled for this afternoon. It’s being held at someone else’s home. We sent our RSVP a couple of weeks ago. Yesterday, we were reminded just how introverted we both are when our conversation about what dish to bring morphed very quickly into an extraction plan. When your plan for socializing includes the phrase, “What’s our ‘Abort’ code?”, you know you’re an introvert.

    (It’s ‘Koala’, BTW.)

      1. Totally Minnie*

        Neighbor: “Have I shown you all the pictures from our recent trip to the cow museum?”

        OP: “KOALA!!!!!!!!!!”

    2. anon24*

      I love this! I need an abort code. I just don’t go out with my husband because I can’t take being stuck with people. Getting our one cat was the best ever because he doesn’t like other people and gets overwhelmed very quickly. When we travel to visit my in-laws we’re expected to spend the entire time talking to them and watching dumb TV shows with them so it’s wonderful when the cat is with us and I can be like “oh he’s getting worked up now so I’m going to take him somewhere quiet and get him calmed down.”

    3. nep*

      Abort code — love it.
      I hear you. On the very rare occasion I go anywhere, I’m in and out…out very early.
      Same question as paul — do you have to work the word into conversation or just randomly say it?

      1. paul*

        I want to imagine them having to steer the conversation slowly to zoos, or Australia, so they have a subtle way to say koala.

        My mind is weird, but I find it funny

        1. anon24*

          Or ask someone how their dog is doing then awkwardly blurt out “Speaking of animals, I think koalas are so cute!”

          1. Natalie*

            Be a big fan of Mitch Hedberg and just quote his bits randomly. On the plus side they are all short:

            “My apartment is infested with koala bears… it’s the cutest infestation ever. Much better that cockroaches.”

            1. nep*

              Love it.

              “What’s the top item on your bucket list? Mine’s to see a koala in its natural habitat.”

        2. Jo*

          What would be funny and maybe liven up social events is to have a weirder and weirder abort code each time and set yourself the challenge of steering the conversation around to it. Like ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ or ‘goblin’ or ‘haemorrhoids’. It would make for some interesting conversations!

    4. Loopy*

      My abort code is usually some reference to needing to get back and let the dog out. Not quite as succinct or subtle of a code but it works to get us moving towards the door.

    5. PlantLady*

      Sorry for the delay, I had to run a couple of pre-potluck errands. “Koala” could be expressed any old way and we’d make it work…finessing it into the conversation, texting it to one another, texting a koala emoji to one another, blurting out the word randomly, etc.

      And since the thing starts in 12 minutes and I just came downstairs to find Himself on the couch watching YouTube videos in his underwear (!) I suspect The Koala Maneuver is destined to be deployed.

    6. Lady Kelvin*

      Ours is (somewhat unofficially) “I wonder how the dog is doing?” It is nice to have an excuse to go home because, we’ll the dog needs to go out

    7. Totally Minnie*

      On a somewhat related note, does anyone else here do the thing at parties where you tell the person you’re talking to that you’re going to use the restroom, and then just go home?

    9. Fiennes*

      Our abort code is: “Weren’t you going to Skype your dad/sister/whoever is plausible?” Simple, believable, has never yet offended a host.

  14. nep*

    Anyone here use a RumbleRoller? I’m interested to hear what results people have had with it, especially compared with standard foam rollers. (Also just interested in people’s experience with foam rolling generally.)
    I’ve got a RumbleRoller and it has really helped ease some pain on a couple of occasions. Sometimes I like to just stand on it and ‘massage’ my feet.

    1. fposte*

      I love seeing what cool stuff you find, nep.

      I haven’t used that, but I use foam rollers. I use the red density (I have a black one that I keep forgetting about) in a shorter length. I actually use it more for upper torso stuff because pelvic and hip area are tennis-ball only and I don’t have that much problem with the legs. As I’m trying to strengthen my shoulders I’m prone to getting some overtightening around the ribcage and the foam roller really helps with that.

      I have no clue about any increased benefits of a knobbly surface. However, I will say that the Foot Log, which is super-knobbly, was *magic* for my plantar fasciitis. Interestingly, that’s not really a big pressure thing the way foam rolling is, since you just roll your feet across it with no extra pressure. My guess is that it actually works neurologically, in fact, and that PF is maybe a neurological thing for those of us who respond to the Foot Log.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      When I was in physical therapy for a problem with my shoulder the PT recommended I get a foam roller for my back. It was like magic. It was quick, simple, and it made me feel a lot better. I also got a lot of use out of it after I had a muscle spasm in my upper back/neck. The combo of muscle relaxants and gentle stretching with the foam roller was awesome. I still use it occasionally and it feels great.

    3. Totally Minnie*

      I use a foam roller from time to time and I’ve found it really helpful. I haven’t tried the Rumble Roller, but I really want to.

    4. AdAgencyChick*

      Can’t live without mine. I feel like standard foam rollers just don’t provide anything like enough pressure when I’m rolling my back out, and the bumps are like thumbs pressing into all the right places.

    5. Aurion*

      I have a black RumbleRoller purchased back in…2011? And it still works amazingly. So one vote to the durability of this bad boy.

      Also, like AdAgencyChick, regular foam rollers (even in the black density) does almost nothing for me anymore. They can be workable on more sensitive spots like the IT band, but for 95% of my body the flat surface does very little. Once you get used to the knobs digging into the sore spots of the calves and back everything else seems inferior in comparison.

      I do have a Theracane and a small bouncy ball I use to pinpoint specific sore spots, but for general use and efficiency nothing beats my RumbleRoller.

  15. Laura H*

    So glad my walker parts will arrive today and that I’m only at that which is not mentioned on weekends for 4 hrs today with this not quite cooperating rear wheel. Here’s to me stayin upright today.

    Posted on this two weeks ago, much to my relief, they were open MLK Day and were able to set up so I could get the order placed!!

    Also ordered a new laptop battery yesterday so WOO.

    On plate for this week is sorting tax info and such (which basically amounts to me asking how an anomaly in my income will be handled- took some mutual fund money to pay off my loans last July- anybody know this offhand?)

    1. fposte*

      Congrats on all your tech coming together, and I hope you will be free of wheel stick!

      If you liquidated mutual funds that were in a taxable account (not an IRA or 401k), what’s important to know is the realized gains–which is to say the difference between what you paid for them and what you sold them at. (It also matters whether they were long-term or short-term, but I’ll let that go for the moment.) That’s the amount that will be subject to taxation and will be relevant to calculating your bracket. The new tax law has complicated things in that the capital gains tax brackets didn’t change to fit the new income brackets, but if your tax bracket was from 0-15% in the old bracket, you paid no taxes on those gains, and if it was from 15%-35%, you paid 15%.

      Wherever you held the mutual funds should send you a 1099-B that will probably break it down for you. I In the end, however, you are the one responsible for reporting the correct cost basis, which means how much you paid for the mutual funds when you first got them, so if the brokerage doesn’t have that, scramble around for the paperwork from when you first opened the accounts.

  16. HannahS*

    I need help staying awake! About twice a month, I fall asleep in public despite really, really not wanting to. It’s usually when I’m a bit sleep deprived, and often during a class where the lights are partly off. I can’t seem to help it; I struggle to stay awake, I dig my nails into my ears, I smack myself on the face, but it just feels like these heavy waves pulling me under. It’s mortifying! I don’t want to drink coffee or take caffeine pills–I’m quite sensitive to caffeine and only drink 2-3 cups of caffeinated tea a day before 2pm, and that’s enough that I go into caffeine withdrawal without it. I know the best answer is probably to not be sleep deprived, but I’m in medical school and being well-rested is not always an option. Please give me suggestions!

    1. nep*

      Water and deep breathing help me when I have a tough time staying awake.
      Sorry your situation’s keeping you sleep-deprived — that’s the worst.

      1. HannahS*

        Thanks! I knew what I was getting into, so I’m fine with being tired and having my chronic health issues get worse in general, but this drifting off in class is like a “oh nononono, this needs to stop ASAP.”

      1. HannahS*

        Hmm, yes, I am pretty much always dehydrated (especially in the winter) so I’ll start carrying around water more consistently.

        1. gala apple*

          I bought a really nice water bottle, and it has helped me drink more water! Helps that it holds 40 oz too; less refilling (the thermoflask). Good luck!

    4. KR*

      During class, standing quietly in the back of the room is an option too! You could bring a clip board or a box to make your desk into a standing desk. That’s what my coworkers (who are doing manual labor a lot and will quickly fall asleep without anything physical to do) do in our long term meetings.

      Good luck!

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I still sometimes jiggle my leg — I keep my toes and the ball of my foot on the floor and my heel off the floor, and bounce my lower leg really fast, like 3-5 times a second. Kind of like drumming your fingers, but if you’re at a desk, it’s less obvious. It’s all in the foot and calf. For some reason the movement keeps me more alert.

      I also used to splash a dab of cold water on my eyes when pulling an all-nighter, but obviously you could only do that before class, and it may only help for 10-20 minutes.

      1. HannahS*

        Yeah, moving helps me too. I hadn’t thought of trying to get moving discreetly while seated though! Good tip.

    6. Peanut*

      I have to nibble on food to stay awake – little crunchy things covered in dark chocolate work best for me!

    7. Simone R*

      Can you adjust the timing of your tea? I used to get super groggy after lunch and always trying to have a cup of coffee then really helped with that. If there’s a particular time of day that is bad, shifting the tea drinking ahead of time might help.

    8. Enough*

      For me when I was working and taking classes that I notice my eyes getting tired first. I found that basic visions eye drops helped make the feeling go away and I was more alert in class.

        1. Alston*

          Try getting the drops that lubricate the eye. Not just regular visine. Visine gets the red out, but if your eyes are tires and dry they actually make things worse. My eye doctor recommended the ones in little individual droppers.

    9. Ktelzbeth*

      I have a few perspectives on this, as someone with the same tendency:
      As a former medical student: the more notes I took, the more likely I was to stay awake. I sometimes had far more copious and detailed notes than I would ever have any need for, just because writing was the only thing that was keeping me awake. That helps in class.
      As a doctor and someone with a couple issues: make sure there is no medical reason you are having trouble staying awake. Any meds with possible side effects? One of mine wasn’t supposed to be making me fatigued, but it was terrible! Any chance of sleep apnea or its cousins? Despite being slender and not snoring, I was diagnosed with upper airway resistance syndrome. You don’t generally stop breathing like in sleep apnea, but the resistance gets so high that it is a lot of work. Other medical issues–thyroid, depression, narcolepsy, and many others?
      You don’t comment on whether you’ve looked for a cause beyond the challenges of medical school, so maybe you’ve thought of these things. I let myself go for too long because I figured medical school and then residency was just hard and I was supposed to be tired and falling asleep.

      1. HannahS*

        Thanks Kletzbeth :) I actually do have some meds and issues that are making my energy levels low (fibromyalgia, managed with pregabalin) but I had a sleep study about seven years ago that came back clear. Haven’t had bloodwork done recently, but maybe I’ll raise it with my doc the next time I see her. Taking notes is a great idea. Often, I find I speak up more in an effort to stay awake, but that’s not always an option.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          You’re welcome! On the nuvigil topic below, I did use methylphenidate on an as needed basis for a while before I got things sorted out. I had a PCP who offered it for idiopathic hypersomnolence in the period between the sleep study leading to CPAP, which we were hoping would fix everything, and figuring out the medicine side effect issue. I felt like I was cheating because I should be TOUGH ENOUGH to take care of this myself, but it was a lifesaver (possibly literally).

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        You know…. Those of us who need modafinil for medical conditions have a harder time getting it thanks to recreational users. Also, FYI it stops birth control pills from working.

        1. BatteryB*

          Thanks for the info. I didn’t know that about modafinil. I ‘m past the birth control pills phase luckily. I take that and Adderall for my narcolepsy.

      3. Peanut*

        I have mild sleep apnea, and though I use a CPAP, I am still exhausted every day. My doctor said some people just have to fatigue, and prescribed nuvigil/provigil for me.

        On the one hand, the meds kept me from falling asleep during the day. On the other hand, it wasn’t like I suddenly had energy – it was more that I was able to get through each day. But I also became very focused on getting through each day, and found it harder to have long-term motivation for anything, so I stopped them after several months and now I’m just tired all the time. ;(

    11. Earthwalker*

      Don’t put an open cup of any liquid anywhere near you. I speak from experience. I jerked as I nodded off once and woke to find my fellow students and professor glaring at me so silently that I could hear the coffee that was supposed to keep me awake dripping off the desk into my shoes. Seriously, I sympathize but am not qualified to offer advice.

    12. LilySparrow*

      Having dealt with 4 years of sleepless babies that then turned into obstructive sleep apnea, I think you are going to have to make some structural changes/choices.

      If you are falling asleep involuntary in public, you are past the point where you can overcome this with tips and willpower. Your body is switching off whether you want it to or not. In order to keep your brain alive. That’s kinda not something you want to override, ya know?

      The next stage is falling asleep in truly dangerous situations, like at stoplights. Or while the car’s moving.

      Do you have any sort of student assistance program? I’ve been hearing a lot lately that medical school were moving away from the torture/boot camp model in the realization that “survival of the fittest” doesn’t really help identify the best doctors.

      1. Book Lover*

        The first two years of medical school are typically classes only, so there usually isn’t sleep deprivation. Perhaps her medical school does things differently? The second two years are clinical rotations and that can include needing to shift schedules. There are hour limits, but you still have to deal with being tired at times. I didn’t love getting up at 4am for surgery and getting home at 7pm….
        Residency has an 80 hour per week restriction, but again it is expected that you can work long hours without falling asleep. I don’t think that is a torture/boot camp model but pretty much reflective of actual practice. I suppose it depends on your specialty, but practicing medicine doesn’t suddenly get less tiring after medical school and residency, so it is great she is working on ways to figure this out, as it will be a long term issue.

    13. Melissa*

      When you sleep, do you know you are sleeping well? If you are getting 2-3 hours/night, then of course not but if you are sleeping 5-6 and still having trouble, perhaps look at a sleep study.

      If you know it’s qualty sleep when you get it, then power nap. You can also duck out of a lecture for a quick walk around the building and a drink of water if you feel yourself dozing. Sip water throughout class. Take notes even if you don’t need to- it’ll keep your body busy.

    14. Dara*

      One thing a bunch of us used to do in college was use Burt’s Bees peppermint lip balm…on our eyelids. The oddness of the peppermint tingle in that spot helped us keep our eyes open. Of course, disclaimer of ‘should only use things in the manner intended’ applies. You don’t want to end up with it IN your eyes, and it would probably mess up any eye makeup if that’s a thing you wear. (I usually did this in my morning philosophy class after I had a midnight-4am shift at the front desk and didn’t bother with makeup in favour of getting what sleep I could).

    15. Clumsy Ninja*

      I agree with those who suggest water. I find that when I’m sleepy and trying to stay awake, I end up REALLY well-hydrated. I just keep reaching for my water bottle and taking sips.

      I also focus and stay awake better with something to do with my hands. Taking notes didn’t help me as much, but crocheting has been a godsend. I take a project with mindless repeats along to church and never doze off during the sermon now. I’ll also do this at continuing ed meetings – keep the notepad or printed notes in front of me and occasionally put the crochet hook down and pick up the pen long enough to make a few notes. BUT I totally get it if a) you’re not a crocheter or knitter, or b) you think it would be frowned upon in class. I never crocheted during vet or grad school classes – I’ve only been brave enough since then.

    16. Fiennes*

      Personally, I cannot fall asleep while chewing gum. Cinnamon or mint are especially, uh, wakeful?

  17. Almost Violet Miller*

    Mindfulness update!

    Some of you might remember that I started a MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) course a couple of weeks ago. Here’s might first update.

    Our instructor reminds us every week that we will only feel the results and can only figure out if mindfulness works for us if we practice every day for at least 8 weeks if not more. We have been doing various exercises and meditations (from 3min to 30min, from lying on the floor to walking outside) and here are my highlights:
    – I am often able to use my breath as an anchor in stressful situations (not only able to but actually remember to!)
    – during my commute, I have successfully meditated/not let my mind wander to places it should not go to and obsess over negative thoughts (not every day but still better than before)
    – I have noticed some small improvement in my concentration
    – after meditation, I feel like I am more able to say goodbye to thoughts I do not want to have than on days I don’t practice
    – I am more aware of my body’s reactions to stress (I have to log stressful situations this week, I am looking forward to the next session where we are going to work with these experiences)

    We have weekly sessions that last 2-3 hours and a ton of home work so at least 30 minutes/day are needed for the exercises.

    I am really at the beginning of this journey and don’t quite know how much of the above is placebo effect and how much of it is going to stick around. But I feel like it’s the start of a transformation so I’m quite looking forward to what the rest of the sessions will bring.

    1. Thlayli*

      Wow this post just convinced me to try mindfulness more than any other discussion on the subject I’ve ever seen. You go!

    2. The RO-Cat*

      Congrats! For me, mindfulness was a life saver. Much of what you say matches my experience. My no 1 benefit is a decrease in emotional reactivity. My life is much calmer now (in spite of not-so-calm life circumstances). And I think somehow this seeped to those around me. Cheers to increased life quality!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      *dances around* I’ve been sayyyyyyyyyin!

      I started mindfulness meditation with a weekly Buddhist dharma group last March. It’s helped me with my anxiety soooo much. I tried to do it every day but have pulled back a little. We’re doing a 30/30 challenge this month, 30 days of meditation and/or for 30 minutes. I like it.

    5. Almost Violet Miller*

      I’m so happy to hear that it’s been helping other people and my post might be motivating Thlayli to try mindfulness! Really raised my spirits:)

      Enjoy the rest of your Sundays y’all!

  18. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    Good lord, what a week. Finally kicked that God awful cold on Tuesday. Mom just got out of the hospital yesterday (she went in Sunday night). The huge management shake up at work.

    If anyone needs me, I’ll be hunkered down with some cookies and a cozy blanket for the foreseeable future.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      With the week you had, add some cocoa to your list! I hope the coming week is an improvement,

  19. Name changed to protect the innocent*

    My husband and I were both virgins when we married. On our wedding night, I discovered he had a condition I didn’t previously know existed … and thinking “where is it?” was not a good feeling. Now, more than a year later, for all practical purposes I’m still a virgin. I have asked that we go see a doctor or a counselor but he seems to think trying different positions will fix the issue. It hasn’t. He also (despite being a brilliant man) makes comments about me not being able to get pregnant at a certain time because of my ovulation cycle. (Um, no, first let’s figure out how to get you inside of me.) Aside from this, he is super sweet, thoughtful and considerate and a wonderful husband so I don’t want to keep bringing it up. But something inside me has died knowing that I may be a virgin the remainder of my life. He is an extremely private person so I don’t know that there’s anyone in his family/friend circle he’d be willing to talk with about it. He already has some health issues so I’m not sure if surgery (which probably could fix the problem) would be an option, plus that would be an awful lot to ask him go through so I can enjoy this benefit of being married.

    1. Thlayli*

      I’m confused. It seems like you’re saying your husband doesn’t have a penis, but can’t understand why you aren’t getting pregnant. But I must be misreading that.

      Whatever the actual circumstance is, it seems like he doesn’t understand it, so I think the first step is explaining to him what the actual problem is.

      1. Name changed to protect the innocent*

        He has “buried penis syndrome” so it is there, just takes time and coaxing to come out and when it does, it’s just for a short period of time. Not enough time to get it inside of me.

        And I am just baffled as to how he who is so smart about so many other things apparently doesn’t seem to realize (or perhaps just acknowledge) that this is the main reason I can’t get pregnant.

        1. Megan*

          I think he’s got to go talk to a medical professional and find out what the options are. It’s totally reasonable for you to ask him for this even if it’s hard for him. You of course want to be supportive and kind about it, but you also matter – your sexual satisfaction matters.

          Also, I didn’t know this until my husband and I started trying to get me pregnant, but it’s totally normal even for a fertile couple to take a year to conceive. I had the impression from health class as a teen that you had like a 50-50 shot at getting pregnant any time you had unprotected sex.

          1. Thlayli*

            It’s 25%. A normal healthy couple with no fertility issues have a 25% chance of getting pregnant in any month they have unprotected sex. So it’s still pretty high.

            A year is the upper end of the normal range – if you haven’t got pregnant within a year of having unprotected sex it’s recommended you see a doctor.

            1. Changing my name for this*

              Minor quibble-it’s 25% if you get the timing right. There are days of the month where it’s pretty much zero. As someone going through fertility treatment I get why health teachers say it only takes once, but that is frequently not true.

              1. Elf*

                Those statistics are really misleading, because it includes data from people who have infertility issues. It’s much more meaningful to look at the statistics about how many people get pregnant in the first month of trying vs. second, third, etc. Something like 60% of people will get pregnant in the first month of active trying, so that is a more meaningful statistic. Now, you do have to have sex at the right time, but once you get the sperm and egg together, your odds are pretty good. It also varies wildly by couple. Some couples will conceive pretty much any time the sperm and egg are in the same spot.

                1. Savannnah*

                  60% on the first month seems incredibly high- I’ve read more like 60% of couples in the first 3 months and 95% of couples within a year.

                2. Starryemma*

                  Yeah, I’d like a citation for the 60% stat. If a woman is ovulating, she just ovulates one day. Sperm can live for a few days, but even if there’s sperm inside a woman on day of ovulation, there’s no guarantee of pregnancy.

            2. Thlayli*

              Pretty sure the 25% stat is for people who are actually trying to get pregnant – so presumably they would be doing it around the fertile time. I think it works out as 60% in 3 months (0.75 x 0.75 x 0.75 = 0.42 i.e. 42% of healthy fertile couples would not get pregnant in 3 months of trying.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            I agree with this–he needs to get some medical attention for this. Not just because of you, Name changed to protect the innocent, but because it can cause even more health problems for him.

        2. Thlayli*

          Ok so I googled that and it seems there’s two main causes – either the penis doesn’t develop properly for some reason and a baby is born with it, or it can be acquired when someone gets very overweight and it basically gets hidden in folds of fat.

          Either way, it can be dangerous as it can lead to infection if urine pools in there. So there is medical justification for treating it, which means treatment may be covered by insurance.

          There is an actual treatment. If it’s congenital there is basically an implant procedure, if it’s caused by obesity the treatment is basically to lose weight, though sometimes it may be necessary to have surgery to remove excess skin after losing weight.

          I’m sure you already know all this, but does he know? Is he aware this is an actual medical condition with an actual treatment? Men are often really weird and in denial about their penis problems. I once dated a guy wise foreskin was too small and tight and prevented him from getting an erection. He was obviously embarrassed that he kept getting hard and then soft again and I gently told him that this is a thing it happens to like one in a thousand baby boys and it can be easily treated by circumcision. He genuinely had never realised this and he got a circumcision a week later.

        3. paul*

          He’s *got* to know that getting semen to eggs is involved in getting pregnant, unless he’s been raised in a box until marriage. I’m…really skeptical of his attempts to deflect difficulties getting pregnant onto your ovulation.

        1. Name changed to protect the innocent*

          It’s not that he doesn’t have one at all. It’s just that it’s covered by skin and you can’t see it when you first look at him.

          1. Savannnah*

            ah ok- these are related conditions sometimes. My main concern would beyond sexual function would be hygiene and infection- so he should see someone for all these issues if he hasn’t.

          2. ohhecknonotusingrealnameforthis*

            If this is what I think it is my husband has the same thing but did not have what sounds to me like an issue with partial impotence. Not everyone has a visible part when flaccid but in our case when it was time to perform it was MORE than adequate if you get my drift.

            At this point you just need to be blunt and tell him it is time to see the doctor. Issues with erections can sometimes be a marker for heart disease or diabetes, at the least. You deserve a sex life and so does he. And he needs to understand this is not just his decision since this has a major impact on YOUR life too!

    2. neverjaunty*

      Given that he didn’t inform you of this until after you got married, I think you’re entirely reasonable in expecting him to try and deal with it appropriately. Which means, at a minimum, seeing medical professionals. It’s not okay for him to put his being an “intensely private person” over you having a sex life, which you were led to expect would be a thing.

      1. Name changed to protect the innocent*

        He did tell me “there’s not much there” but I just thought that meant it was short …

        1. neverjaunty*

          Then no, he didn’t tell you. And maybe he didn’t quite understand what the implications were – but he can sure as heck talk to a doctor NOW.

          1. Triplestep*

            I agree. There may be a lot about his condition (or the basic mechanics of sex and baby-making) that he does not understand, but he understood he had a condition that had an actual name (which is more than “there’s not much down there”) and he chose to withhold that information from the woman he was planning to marry. I don’t care how private a person he is, that is not OK. I agree that it’s entirely reasonable for you to expect that he pursue treatment for this.

            1. WellRed*

              Yeah, I don’t consider him kind or considerate for not being more forthright, and then refusing to deal with the problem by whatever means possible. Good luck letter writer. You’ve gotten some great advice here.

            2. Delphine*

              Yep, skirting around that information instead of disclosing it clearly and then implying that his partner is at fault for their inability to get pregnant? Not a good look.

    3. Undine*

      Can you find a sex therapist in your area? I don’t know how satisfying the rest of your sex life is, but not being able to talk honestly about sex can corrode a relationship over time. He may have some really deep shame about this that is blocking his ability to see it clearly, so getting a third party in to work with this is helpful.

      1. Undine*

        I mean couple’s counseling, and it doesn’t have to be a sex therapist, but sex-positive therapist would obviously make a huge difference.

        1. Kj*

          I think they should be a sex therapist- they clearly need help talking about sex and a sex therapist (who is likely also good at couple’s work, the two often go together) would be a great referral. Sex therapists know the medical side of things much better than a regular couples or marriage therapist.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      So first, I want to say that the notion of losing your virginity equating to heterosexual intercourse is problematic, so you should try to reframe your thoughts on that front. There are plenty of ways that your husband can give you pleasure without penetration, like orally. And if you really want penetration, there are always toys. You shouldn’t feel bad about communicating your wishes for a healthy sex life.

      That being said, the pregnancy issue is likely something you will need to discuss with a doctor. Surgery might be the only fix for that or possibly looking into IVF or something. I understand that he’s private and unlikely to talk to anyone in his personal life about this, but he needs to talk to you and you need to be open and honest with him no matter how difficult it is.

      1. Thlayli*

        i don’t think it’s very healthy to tell OP how she “should” think or feel about her sex life or her virginity.

        3. neverjaunty*

          Yes. I understand the intent is that there are lots of ways to have sex besides one act – but the OP clearly isn’t happy about missing out on it, and she has a husband who wasn’t forthright and now seems to be content to do nothing. This is a communications problem, not a “but other things are sex too” problem.

        4. all aboard the anon train*

          Agreed. Everyone has a different idea of what constitutes losing their virginity, and I think it’s problematic to say that someone who wants traditional hetero PIV sex is problematic for viewing virginity that way. It’d be different if the OP was going around saying the only way for anyone to lose their virginity would be to have PIV sex, but the OP isn’t doing that. She’s talking about virginity in relation to her own sexuality, body, and needs. There’s nothing wrong or problematic with that.

          Not to mention, a lot of people don’t get sexual satisfaction from oral sex or toys.

      2. LilySparrow*

        If the LW is not happy with the intimacy in her relationship (which actually seems to go beyond the issue of penetration), belittling her totally legitimate desires is beyond unhelpful.
        “If you really want penetration, there are toys?”
        I assure you, it’s Not The Same Experience At All.

      3. No thanks*

        It’s problematic to YOU. But if it works for communicating what is important to this woman and her husband who are you to insert yourself into her relationship and police her concepts in this way? You are prioritizing some agenda of your own over helping this woman in her own life. Other than that ridiculous level of control I agree with your advice.

      4. Courageous cat*

        There’s nothing problematic about equating it to heterosexual intercourse for oneself and one’s own experiences. It’s when you equate it for society as a whole. I don’t like to see people mix these kinds of things up, as it’s harmful in and of itself to devalue someone’s experience by saying things like this.

    5. Kj*

      You need to insist he see a medical doctor and both of you need to see a competent sex therapist together. I’m going to guess your husband is not good at openly talk about sex, so I suspect talking about sex with a professional will be hard. But you need a kind and understanding sex therapist who will have, I can assure you, have seen this sort of thing before. It might be even good to talk to the sex therapist BEFORE you talk to the MD, as sex therapists might be able to refer you to a competent MD who has a good bedside manner. Your sex therapist can also explain to your husband why you aren’t pregnant- he may not understand the mechanics well. Sex education in this country is terrible, so it makes sense that he might not ‘get’ it.
      If you need a book to read, I suggest “Intimacy and Desire” by Dr. Schnarch, it talk about mis-matches in sex drives in partners.
      To find a good sex therapist, I will post a link below to the association for certified sex therapists.

    6. FD*

      I think it might be helpful for you to figure out what is bothering you most when you say, “I may be a virgin the remainder of my life.”

      Is it the social expectation that married people have PiV sex and you feel like your sex isn’t real sex if that doesn’t happen?

      Is it that you very much want to get pregnant and you can’t due to this issue?

      Is it that you were looking forward to the feel of PiV sex and it’s disappointing not to get to experience it?

      Maybe something else?

      It’s reasonable to be upset and confused over this, and I don’t want to minimize it or say that you have to do all the emotional labor when he didn’t tell you about this. But if you understand what you fundamentally want (and why), it’s easier to have a conversation about it.

      1. JenM*

        She wants to have sex. Penetrative PIV sex with her husband. I’m not sure she needs anymore reason than that?

        1. Hrovitnir*

          “But if you understand what you fundamentally want (and why), it’s easier to have a conversation about it.”

          Not everything suggesting further analysis of your needs is questioning the validity of those needs. It can really help to have a clear understanding of where you’re coming from, to help advocate for yourself and figure out what compromises would help you (and what you may not be able to live happily without.)

          1. FD*

            Exactly! And sometimes understanding those needs may actually lead you to realize something is a dealbreaker for you.

        2. FD*

          Sure, and she can want that for any reason she wants. However, the reasoning will guide the conversation.

          Example: Person feels more aroused by the idea of penetrative sex and wants to have that aspect included in the marriage. While surgery may or may not be an option (the person states that it may not be viable due to health issues), if this is the most important aspect, then the conversation might also include a discussion of using sex toys to bring that part more in.

          If other reasons are more at the forefront (e.g. pregnancy, not feeling it’s intimate enough, etc.), then the conversation might include different things.

          Mind you, the person here can decide that this is a dealbreaker and she doesn’t want the relationship at all unless they are able to have this sort of sex, and that’s fair enough! But I get the sense that the person here is trying to find viable solutions that don’t involve ending the marriage or having to just give up on her desires. And to find a ‘third option’, it’s helpful to understand what, fundamentally, is most important to her.

      2. Not Alison*

        It’s one thing to suggest something other than vaginal penetration for sexual satisfaction if a woman has already had very enjoyable vaginal penetration, but if she hasn’t had that experience, then she doesn’t really know what she is missing and is entitled to have that really exhilarating experience.

        I second the recommendations to require your husband to seek medical and therapeutic help (and, hopefully, for him to be OK with you being a part of those discussions).

        1. FD*

          /shrug I don’t disagree. I am saying that it might be most helpful to her in this case to understand what’s most important to her. It might be that experience, and that’s OK! I think it’s just more helpful to come to a conversation that’s going to be difficult with a clear understanding of what your goals are.

    7. HannahS*

      So, while, yes, it’s his body, and you can’t demand that he go through surgery, if he’s not taking this seriously, he’s the problem, not you. Like neverjaunty says, it’s not right for him to put being private over both of you having a sex life, especially since he allowed you to enter marriage assuming that you *would* have a sex life. It sounds like you’re trying to spare his feelings as much as you can, but where is his consideration for your feelings? It stinks that you’re having such a large problem so early in marriage, but…well, working through this is important, and while it may wind up being one of the worse-er times, it’s ultimately for the better. I don’t know how to do it kindly, but he needs to know that you’re not satisfied with your sex life. If he loves you, don’t you think he’d want to know that something inside you has died? Wouldn’t you want to know if he felt that way? This is about sex, but it’s also about your marriage as a whole. He shouldn’t want to be in a marriage where, when you’re deeply unhappy, you tuck it away inside yourself and bear it in silence forever to avoid hurting his feelings. The truth is, you don’t need his permission to talk to other people about it. Not the whole world, but you can talk to your own doctor or your own therapist about what’s going on, what potential solutions might be, how to raise it with him as kindly as possible. Give him the option of coming with you, but go yourself for your own well-being.
      Here’s my amateur script: Darling, I love you very much, I love the life we have, but our sex life isn’t working for me. I love [thing that you do together], but I also want to love [penetrative sex?] and it’s frustrating me that it’s not working for us. It’s been a year, and I want to talk to a doctor about it. I’m going to book an appointment with Dr. ____, and I’d like us to go together.
      Other useful phrases: “I know it hurts your feelings, but I’m doing this because I love you and I love our marriage, and having a strong intimate life is an important part of marriage.” “This is an issue for both of us to work through together.” “I know it’s hard to talk about, but I see this as a time for us to become closer, and an investment in our future.” “I want to be in a marriage where we talk honestly about our life together. I know neither of us is used to that, and it’ll be hard, and we’ll probably hurt each other’s feelings a lot, but I think it’s important.”

      Also, google micropenises, and see if that helps.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Excellent scripts. And adding, “Sex causes a release of chemicals in the body that makes the couple bond to each other more.” So there you go, OP. You wanna bond even MORE.

    8. Akcipitrokulo*

      I can see at least three separate issues… worried about being a virgin, not being satisfied with sex life and pregnancy issues.

      Pregnancy can be achieved with a “turkey baster” option, but I think that would be dodging the question unless you both see that as the only main issue, and are content with the rest.

      “Being a virgin” doesn’t have to be an issue in and of itself if it’s the idea/label. Not having a good sex life and being frustrated is an issue… having the label or not doesn’t have to be.

      If you want to have penetration (or any other sexual activity) and it’s not happening, the only way to fix it is to talk. If, like here, it’s due to a medical condition, then at least one talk should include a medical professional.

      (If both of you are truly happy with a non-penetritive sex life, then that really is fine! but only if it actually is true or there will be deeper issues if either of you pretend to yourselves you don’t mind.)

      It may be that there is a simple solution that a dr may suggest which will fix things. But you won’t know unless you ask.

      In general thougb, this is someone you live and want to be with for a long time. Intimacy starts with trust and communication. Talking to him honestly is a good place to start.

    9. Name changed to protect the innocent*

      Thank you all so much for listening and for your insightful comments! Hope you have a great weekend!

    10. No name for this*

      I’m sorry you are having this trouble. I’m going to tell you my story and how it came out. A lot is different, but maybe it will help.

      My (now ex for different reasons) husband and I were both virgins when we got married. I didn’t even know how to “take care of myself.” I was still a virgin after a very painful and frustrating wedding night. I had no idea vaginismus existed and even less that I would have it. Maybe I should have guessed because I couldn’t use tampons, but I didn’t. We kept trying and nothing got better. He was willing to try oral sex for something, but insisted I shower and wash very well first, which made me feel like he thought I was dirty. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him, but I started seeing a sex therapist for talk only. I’ve heard rumors that there are ones who also help with the act, but I still don’t know if it’s true. She was able to first help me figure out how to give myself pleasure and confirm vaginismus, which by then I’d looked up enough on the internet to suspect was my problem. We divorced over other issues before our sex life got going, but I continued with the sex therapist. I can’t remember exactly how long I worked with her, but I moved out of state fairly shortly, so it wasn’t all that long. When the next right man came into my life, I remembered the exercises she taught me and started working hard on them. We had successful and satisfying sex. I also learned that I do not orgasm from PiV sex, but only from good clit stimulation (usually requiring a device rather than a human partner, no matter how willing), so it’s been important to have an understanding partner with whom I can communicate.

      You’ll probably need more buy in from your partner earlier than I did and that will require finding a way to talk to him and someone else (therapist, doctor, or both). I agree with FD that it will help if you know what you want most out of the conversation. Acknowledgement of your feelings and struggles? PiV sex? Penetration by some other means? Orgasm whatever way it works? Pregnancy? This is a tough situation and I wish you the best.

    11. Amtelope*

      So, OK. I suggest a counselor first, to talk about what you’d like to be different about your sex lives and how you’d like to achieve that. Seeing a doctor about the problem is one good option (and may be advisable if there are potential medical complications of his condition), but there may be other things you’d find satisfying if he isn’t willing to get treatment, or if there isn’t effective treatment — penetration with toys/a strap-on/etc., for one thing.

      For pregnancy, there are both medical and simple interventions you can try (I say, as a lesbian who’s really familiar with ways to get pregnant without intercourse). Easiest/simplest: turkey baster method, have him ejaculate into a jar and then insert it with a medicine syringe, or into a condom and then invert the condom inside you. If that doesn’t work, a doctor can perform artificial insemination with his sperm.

    12. Dan*

      Sorry you have to deal with this. The thing with marriage is, if you’re not getting your emotional needs met, it just gets worse. (I’m not separating out sex here, they’re intertwined.) Sucking it up and not dealing with it just creates more and more resentment. And then you get to the point where you can’t stand to look at your husband and all you want is out. And you’re miserable.

      What I’m saying is that for your long term mental health, you shouldn’t feel ashamed/sad/guilty/some-other-negative-emotion because you need/want something difficult from another person, particularly one that you have made a legal commitment to. (That commitment cuts both ways.)

      What I’m also saying is that if he really won’t see a doc or go to counseling with you, you have every right to get out of the marriage.

      1. RestlessRenegade*

        I agree. OP, this sounds really hard and sad, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. I do think it’s important that our needs are met, whether that means medical help, or sex therapy, or figuring out if you just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I hope things get better for you.

    13. Melody Pond*

      I have so many thoughts and opinions about this – mainly about your husband and his behavior, and how it seems incredibly misogynistic of him, given his medical condition, to blame you for the lack of getting pregnant so far. (!!!)

      But I’m going to stick to practical ideas for solutions here.

      1) If you’re seeking penetrative coitus as part of your sex life, your husband can still provide this for you, with the help of strap-ons and dildos and other toys. Hopefully he’s not enough of a jerk and not insecure enough about himself to refuse that.

      2) At the very least, it seems like pregnancy isn’t likely to happen through penetrative sex (even without outside medical intervention). Can he ejaculate through masturbation? If so, one easy DIY-at-home idea might be for you to purchase a menstrual cup, sterilize it, have him ejaculate into it, and then insert the cup carefully, and push it as close against your cervix as you can. (it’d probably be ideal to choose a relatively shallow cup, but one that still has a long stem available, so you can push it up closer to your cervix than its normal use would require, but still reach the stem to remove it. Maybe the Meluna Shorty menstrual cup with a stem?) Menstrual cups can be left in for up to 12 hours, so I’d bet you could safely leave it in and just go about your day for several hours.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Re-reading my post, I can see that I was more candid and harsh with displaying my gut reaction than was warranted – I didn’t mean to be insensitive or unkind, I think I’m just really horrified at the situation your husband has put you in. My apologies for not handling that well.

    14. Thlayli*

      A lot of people have pointed out other ways to get pregnant. I just want to suggest that you first figure out a way to get to being happy with your sex life before trying to get pregnant by alternate means. Sorry to sound harsh, but feeling like you’re dying inside is not a good indicator that this will be a long and happy marriage, and you probably need to figure out if you can stay with him long term, and be happy, before you figure out if you want to have kids with him.

      I know you’re thinking of course I will stay with him, I married him, but if something doesn’t change and you continue to feel like you’re dying inside, you may well end up separating in a few years, or raising a child in a miserable atmosphere. So I think the marital problems should be reaolved before the babymaking commences.

      Again, sorry to sound harsh. But having kids is a pretty irreversible decision.

    15. LilySparrow*

      LW, you are married. Emotional honesty is far more crucial to long-term intimacy than anything you do in bed.

      You deserve to be heard, and for him to take your needs seriously.
      He deserves to know that his refusal to prioritize your needs is making you feel like you’re dead inside.

      It’s also concerning that you hear him making ludicrously misinformed statements about the basics of how bodies work, and apparently you don’t feel comfortable correcting him? You both decided you want children, but you can’t talk about the fundamental mechanics of how that happens?

      That kind of gulf puts relationships in jeapordy.
      All the toys and positions in the world – indeed, all the PIV or orgasms in the world – can’t create a satisfactory sex life if you feel like asking for him to have open discussions with you is an imposition.

      Your needs are not a burden. Your truth is not an insult to him. If he won’t go to counseling, go without him. And tell him why. You can’t fight for a happy marriage in secret.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        This. So much this. All of this.

        I will admit that I am feeling angry with your husband on your behalf. Breaking this down a bit:

        I can understand his condition being very difficult to talk about, and feeling very shameful to him. Thus making it even more difficult to talk about. On the other hand, in my view, he owed you honesty before you made a commitment to him. And telling you “there’s not much there” isn’t even close to the actual situation. Essentially, in a way, it could be said that he married you under false pretenses.

        I could be wrong (because not Catholic and so not totally up on canon law – not saying you’re Catholic, either, OP, but using it as an example), but I think that a marriage entered into in which one partner deceived the other on a fundamental issue would be a valid grounds for annulment in the Catholic church. I say this not because I think you should end your marriage, but as an illustration that yes, this is a big issue. And you are not wrong to be upset about it.

        That he is now trying to blame you because you’re not getting pregnant is so ludicrous that it would be funny if it weren’t so frustrating. I appreciate that you love him, and you want to spare his feelings. But I would suggest that you think about this: How would you feel if the situation were the same in 5 years? Or 10?

        Please take care of yourself, OP. And don’t, please don’t, deny your own feelings and needs out of wanting to make things easier for him. He’s certainly not trying to make it easier for you right now. He may be a kind, considerate person in most things…I doubt you would have fallen in love with him otherwise. But on this, he is acting in ways that are irrational and selfish, and what he is apparently expecting of you is not reasonable or kind. You matter. Your needs and your wants matter. Please don’t let him convince you that you are being in any way selfish or unreasonable – you are not.

        1. Thlayli*

          If LW has not had penetrative vaginal sex that by itself is grounds for annulment in the catholic religion. A catholic marriage isn’t considered valid if it’s unconsummated.

        2. nonegiven*

          I think legally and/or in the Catholic church, not consummating the marriage could be grounds for an annulment.

    16. No thanks*

      Surgery is NOT too much to ask so you can enjoy the benefits of being married. Do not allow him, yourself, your culture or anything else to downplay the seriousness of this situation. Some religions would consider it a valid reason for annulment. Insist on therapy and a medical consult. You need to consider whether adoption and non penetrative sex will satisfy you. He needs to face reality and not blame the situation on you.

  20. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Fiancé and I are more that midway thru wedding planning, on a classy but small/reasonable budget. One q: champagne toasts. He states all weddings he’s been to had them, and it’s not a wedding reception without one. Me: I’m not a drinker, it would cost $140 additional, and I’ve been to dry weddings without one. We’re not having a cake due to his allergies so a toast is important to him. Me: I’m on the fence, but I promised I’d research pros/cons then see.

    Your take on champagne toasts?
    What do guests pay attention to at weddings/reception?
    Also, thoughts on fruit centerpieces like plums in glass bowls?

      1. Red*

        I don’t drink either, and I feel sort of weird about being at events with champagne toasts. Like, am I expected to participate? Is it weird if I don’t? Will anyone even notice? Then again, I’m more anxious than most. I’d say, if your husband is really set on it, I’d probably go for it but also have sparkling cider/grape juice available. I had a really good non-alcoholic sparking juice once from Trader Joes.

        As far as fruit centerpieces, I honestly love the idea! I wish I had done that at my anniversary party instead of candles!

        1. Thlayli*

          If you are at an event with a champagne toast or free drink, just ask the server for a non-alcoholic drink when everyone else is getting their alcoholic ones. You don’t need to explain why, and they will almost certainly supply it without question. Lots of people don’t drink because they are driving, or on antibiotics, or pregnant, or feeling a little ill. People aren’t going to make terrible assumptions if you ask for a non-alcoholic alternative.

          1. ThatGirl*

            We had sparkling grape juice available at my wedding and my lone regret, 10 years later, is that my religious relatives didn’t know and didn’t get any (there was a whole minor thing with my grandma).

      2. bunniferous*

        What is important is the toast, not what is in the toast glass. I have toasted plenty of times with punch!

    2. ECHM*

      Could you have a non-alcoholic drink (e.g. sparkling grape juice) available for yourself and others who might not drink to put in their champagne glasses? I assume what he’s interested in is the spirit of the toast (that you have a toast) rather than that everyone have champagne in their glasses when it happens.

    3. Savannnah*

      We did not do it and nobody cared. I felt it was an unnecessary expense and my fiancé was neutral. If its important to him, ask him where else in the budget he would like to cut- weddings are about priorities so if this is one of his, what else does he think is less important? Wedding guests want to be fed on time and have options if they have allergies- and if its culturally an expectation, they want alcohol at some point. Remember though, that everything is optional and just because x,y,z has happened at all the weddings he’s ever been to, doesn’t mean its mandatory. Nothing is mandatory for a wedding beyond the legal aspects.

    4. Flying Fish*

      We skipped the champagne toast at our wedding and no one seemed to miss it.

      There’s a website called A Practical Wedding that is great for this sort of thing. There’s lots of commentary on what actually matters, alternatives to traditions you don’t car for, etc.

      1. Reba*

        Seconding A Practical Wedding! I love the site and I also got the book.

        We did no champagne (we had beer, wine, and fancy sodas made by our caterers–lots of non drinkers) and pie instead of cake.

    5. Thlayli*

      We had half champagne/half beer at our wedding. I hate champagne, think it tastes like gone-off cider, and can’t understand why people like it. But I recognise other people like it so why not.

      This may be regional, but expect at least one free drink at a wedding where I live, not necessarily champagne though, usually wine with your meal is free.

      Where I live the venue does all this stuff so you choose your venue, then you choose your package, then you can make some substitutions/customisations. The package we took at our venue was a set price per person and included half a bottle of wine and a glass of champagne / beer for each person.

      The best advice I ever heard about wedding was pick what is important to you and spend your money on that, and scrimp on the rest. For us the party was the important thing so we got an awesome band, great venue and free drink, and I wore a dress from a charity shop, and the bridesmaid dresses were bought on sale. For someone else the dress and photos might be the most important thing so that’s where they would put their money. For others a champagne toast might be important, and it sounds like that’s something your husband thinks.

    6. neverjaunty*

      I’m more raising eyebrows at his insistence that it’s “not a wedding” without a champagne toast. That’s really the hill he wants to die on? Why?

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I also find the wording troublesome. Not to nitpick phrasing, but just from that part it seems he wants to insist on it without having to convince the person he’s marrying. Ideally, he would be able to articulate how, at all the wedding receptions he’s been to, family members and close friends have said the most touching, wonderful things that really stuck with him for decades. (That’s just my best guess as to why it might matter so much, although there’s no guarantee he has thought it through enough to articulate it, he may just be incredibly moved when he thinks about the toasts.) If you can talk that part out, then you would be able to make a more informed, joint decision. And if that’s the reason why, then you may want to consider that his family may well have things they expect to say. You could try to find another way for them to make toasts if you want to save the money, but I would be tempted to just give it to him if it matters that much to him.

        1. Reba*

          Great insight, TCA. I don’t really *remember* the toasts from my wedding, but I do remember the feelings from them.

      1. EddieSherbert*

        Yeah, I’m also wedding planning right now and this is my thought too. There’s so very many details you guys have to figure out, and you need to be on the same team or you’ll go insane :)
        Offer a non-alcoholic option (sparkling grape juice, maybe?) that you and anyone else who wants can have instead.

    8. Tedious Cat*

      Do the toast. It’s not really about drinking, it’s about the stories your loved ones will share. The toast my best friend gave, that I later echoed in my toast to her at her own wedding, is one of my fondest memories. And how many chances in life do you get to just sit there and listen to people saying nice things about you? I don’t know, maybe that makes you uncomfortable, but it’s important to your fiance. When you’re doing a small wedding without all the trimmings it’s important to figure out what you absolutely must have to make it feel like a wedding, and it sounds like this is it for him. $140 isn’t bad for wedding stuff. Skip the favors instead. I promise I have never met anyone who cares about wedding favors.

      2. what's my name again?*

        Hear! Hear!
        Our best man’s toast to us was short, sweet, and so us:
        Here’s to love and laughter, and happy ever after.

      3. neverjaunty*

        There’s nothing wrong with wanting a toast for those reasons, but shouldn’t he say that, instead of “it’s not a wedding without _____”? One is explaining why a particular thing is important to him.The other is trying to cast personal preferences and emotions as Objective Fact, which is far more concerning.

        1. Thlayli*

          I think it’s just a figure of speech. You might not be familiar with it but lots of people say it for various things. I’ve said “it’s not a movie without popcorn”, for example. I don’t mean that literally, obviously, and I don’t mean that everyone must eat popcorn with a movie, I just mean for me to enjoy a movie, I must have popcorn. If he feels as strongly about the toast as I feel about popcorn, I think he should be allowed to have it. it’s his Wedding too after all.

          1. neverjaunty*

            If you were going to a movie with someone who didn’t like popcorn and didn’t personally want any, and you declared “It’s not a movie without popcorn!”, that would in fact be a figure of speech in which you’re also insisting that things must be done a certain way because it is the Right Way.

            The issue, again, isn’t that the guy is right or wrong or that he does or doesn’t get a say; the issue is that these two people aren’t communicating, and instead of talking about priorities and ‘I really want this at my wedding’, it’s turning into an argument about the Right Way to wedding.

            1. Thlayli*

              Um… I have been to a movie loads of times with people who don’t want popcorn and said “it’s not a movie without popcorn”, and guess what. They understood that this is a figure of speech and i was referring to my experience of the movie, not theirs, and they understood that i was in no way forcing or advising them to get popcorn for themselves. Because this is a really common figure of speech that many many people understand.

              1. Someone else*

                This analogy isn’t great here, given that your personal moviegoing experience (even when attending with others) isn’t generally considered inherently connected to theirs in quite the same way a wedding is. OK you get popcorn and your friends don’t and no one cares or minds your turn of phrase. But in a wedding scenario it’s their wedding, so I agree with others above that the groom’s choice of words is fairly aggressive in this context. It’s not about advising or forcing someone to do something themselves. It’s implicitly saying “I consider your not doing it a lesser experience”, and when it’s their wedding to each other, they can’t have it both ways. Either there’s a toast at that wedding or there isn’t. It’s not the same as you get popcorn and they don’t because a wedding is specifically about both the betrothed together.

                Ultimately, I think they just need to discuss it with each other more thoughtfully, but I don’t think it’s gotten off on a right foot so far.

                1. Thlayli*

                  Well I still think it’s a perfectly acceptable turn of phrase to use. He is telling her clearly that to him it won’t feel like a real wedding unless they have a champagne toast. And it’s his wedding too, so his experience of the wedding is pretty important. Some might even think that his experience of the wedding is just as important as the bride’s! Shocking idea I know.

                  But let’s just agree to disagree. I don’t think we’re going to convince each other given that I’m familiar with the phrase and you guys don’t appear to be.

                2. TL -*

                  I’m agreeing with Thlayli here – I’ve used that phrase all the time, and I’ve used it in this context – “Hey, do you want some popcorn?”
                  “Nah, I’m good.”
                  “Okay, I’m going to get some – it’s not a movie without popcorn!”

                  But it just means that your experience doesn’t feel complete without fulfilling a particular (usually) tradition. And the groom’s feelings matter! If he doesn’t feel like it’ll be a proper wedding without a champagne toast, but he’s willing to forgo a cake, than the toast probably has emotional and traditional significance to him and they should do it.

                3. neverjaunty*

                  It really is possible for people to be familiar with a turn of phrase while still disagreeing with your interpretation. I don’t especially care if you agree with me, but assuming anyone who sees it differently is just plain ignorant seems… overly invested?

                4. Fiennes*

                  Maybe assuming the fiancé is bullying his wife because of one often-innocuous phrase is also over-investing?

    9. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I’ve been to weddings with and without them. I think they’re nice, but not necessary.

      However, if it’s really important to him, you should try to fit it in your budget. There are sparkling juice options you can include for yourself and other non-drinkers.

    10. Belle*

      Perhaps compromise and do a sparkling non alcoholic drink/toast? You are compromising with no cake – so perhaps he can compromise with no champagne.

    11. Kj*

      We did a toast with cider- we both don’t like champagne. The cider was one of the ‘regular’ options for drinks for our guests. A guest got us fancy glasses as a wedding present with our name and anniveresy on them, so it felt special to us. The guests didn’t care there wasn’t champagne- well, maybe one of my aunts cared, but she was a terrible guest and judged us for everything, so I don’t care what she thinks!’

      Plums in glass bowls sound lovely. I handmade paper flowers for my wedding and put them in IKEA vases. Cost less than $50, but looked really good.

    12. paul*

      We had a dry wedding, with sparkling cider for toast. I was *not* mixing alcohol and high emotions, not with some of my family.

    13. HannahS*

      I don’t drink, so I’m eh on toasts. As a guest, it’s cheesy, but what matters is who I’m with. Something I really appreciate is having a quiet-er place to sit and talk. As a guest, I don’t like it when the whole hall has very loud music for the entire reception, including dinner, because it makes it really hard to have a conversation. Love the idea of fruit centerpieces!

    14. Natalie*

      We didn’t have a dry wedding, but we skipped the champagne toast and no one cared, or at least no one commented on it.

      I can’t tell if he actually feels really strongly about having it (like it’s one of his top-5 things) or if he’s just unwilling to think outside the box a bit. If it’s the former, go ahead and have it – we all have stuff that “makes” a wedding for us, and they’re not exactly rational. I skipped the wedding dress, DJ, florist, cake, and various other traditions but I really wanted a traditional bouquet. It was the single most expensive thing in the wedding (more than my dress and ring combined!) but I wanted it so I got it.

      If it’s the latter, I recommend the “top X” technique – you each get to pick a certain amount of dealbreakers. Anything else gets cut or reduced if it won’t fit in your budget, even if its traditional.

    15. Valancy Snaith*

      If it’s important to him, include it. You’re saving money by not having a cake, and it’s his wedding too.

      I’ve never met anyone who cared about favours. 75% of them go in the trash on the way out the door, especially if they’re something non-edible. (Yes, that includes the flower seeds in the little pots, or the little matchsticks, or whatever.) Or they get left behind on the tables. Guests also won’t notice/recall the decor other than “it looked pretty.” People will pay attention to 1) the food, 2) that it’s timely and they’re not left starving for hours during photos, 3) the entertainment (if you have a lousy DJ or band, believe me, everyone will remember it forever. “Remember when we went to that wedding and the DJ played the chicken dance and the electric slide and the macarena all in a row and we had to go stand outside to get away from it for a while?), and 4) that the toasts and speeches aren’t too long. If they go on forever, people will be checking their phones, chatting away, going to the bar, whatever.

      Fruit centerpieces are fine. At my wedding instead of flowers I had Edible Arrangements vases, which ended up being cheaper than flowers and people could eat them, so they didn’t go to waste like flowers. If you have plums or something else in bowls, I’d be sure to let people know they’re edible so they won’t go to waste.

      1. Natalie*

        4) that the toasts and speeches aren’t too long.

        OMG yes. When I was a maid of honor and researching wedding toasts, the stupid Knot (may they all get little bits of hair stuck in their bras) suggested “don’t make it too long, no more than 10 minutes”. Lady, no one wants to hear you toast for 10 minutes! Two minutes or less, and then sit down.

        1. Thlayli*

          Absolutely. And please please don’t do the speeches before the dinner! I was at a wedding recently and no kidding there was an HOUR of speeches before the dinner. People will remember one thing from that wedding – the sheer hunger!

          1. heckofabecca*

            Oh my god, that sounds like a nightmare!!! I recommend toasts DURING the meal (assuming there’s a meal)—folks can eat while the others give a speech! Let them eat!

      4. LilySparrow*

        Yes! Favors should be consumable, if you have them at all.
        Nobody but you wants to be dusting mementos of your wedding in years to come. Maybe your parents, if they are particularly sentimental.

        1. Natalie*

          There’s a weird local chain thats sort of hardware and sort of junk shop. The best thing I ever saw there was shelves and shelves of single wedding favor tumblers and wine glasses. I had half a mind to buy them all for my glassware.

    16. Grad Student*

      As a wedding guest, I really like the toasts! The speeches, even when very short, are delightful, and I think it’s fun to have the everyone in attendance all sort of participating in a thing.

      However, the toast need not involve champagne–heck, water would do (though maybe a sparkling cider would be nice). I do drink, and enjoy an open bar at wedding when there is one, but have had an equally wonderful time at dry weddings.

      (All that said, of course you don’t *have* to have a toast! This is just my personal feelings about them.)

    17. Ainomiaka*

      I can’t speak for your fiancee, but to me it’s more about making the event feel celebratory and generous to your guests. A champange toast is absolutely not the only way to accomplish this, but what is the way you are going to accomplish it? Ask what he wants guests to feel and work on that rather than a specific thing maybe.

    18. Overeducated*

      Thirding not having a champagne toast and nobody cared…but if he actually says it’s important to him, and the cost is $140, I would likely give on this one.

    19. Kuododi*

      DH and I had a completely dry reception/no toasts of any kind. 24years later our marriage is still going strong and the Universe is still intact. ;) We have both officiated weddings where there was alcohol as well as where the strongest thing served was bakery cupcakes. DH has officiated weddings at hospital bedsides. Needless to say the last thing those couples were worried about was a champagne toast. I can’t begin to guess why your fellow is digging his heels in on this issue but it’s important to remember the wedding is one afternoon of one day….the question becomes how y’all let it set the tone for the marriage as a whole. Best wishes and Mazel Tov!!!

    20. Ktelzbeth*

      I can’t remember if we had a champagne toast. I was going to say we didn’t, but I know our best friend offered a toast. I just don’t remember what anyone toasted with. I can’t even remember if we had wine at the wedding. That perhaps shows you how important it was to me. I don’t know what resources are available in your area and what his allergies are, but our wedding cake was gluten and dairy free for allergy reasons. It was also tasty. I realize the cake bit was unsolicited advice, so take it with a grain of salt if it isn’t helpful.

      1. Thlayli*

        I had a cupcake tower at my wedding and some of the cupcakes were gluten and dairy free, for specific guests. The cupcakes doubled as favours. It was more expensive than a cake, but everyone loved them! There were 4 different flavours/colours as well as the gluten/fairy free ones.

      2. Ktelzbeth*

        Something had been nagging at me and I finally put my finger on it. He has allergies, so they’re is no cake. I don’t know how important cake is to you, but I’ve made cake without a wide variety of allergens, so it seems like there could be a way around his allergies. He wants a champagne toast and it sounds like you’re under some pressure to agree. I only see a tiny snippet of the planning and of your relationship but I wonder if and hope that things go the other way sometimes. Again, I know very little and may be completely overreacting, but it did make me think.

    21. Jules the First*

      A nice compromise might be a toast but with something bubbly and non-alcoholic. Or perhaps a friend (or the venue/caterer) can design you a fun mocktail that you can serve in champagne glasses (flutes or coupes) that would be festive for toasting?

      Fruit centerpieces can be gorgeous, but are not neccessarily a cheaper option than flowers (it can take a lot of fruit to look generous!). Other inexpensive options include vases or baskets with just greenery (think a sprig of fern in a glass bottle); a single stem of something pretty in a plain glass vase; those paper pom poms (please don’t combine them with candles!); a paper lantern with flower petals scattered around it; live herbs in pretty bags or pots (or even fresh cut ones in mason jars, depending on how formal your day is); a cluster of glasses filled with candies; feathers…options are out there!

      If you do go fruit for your centerpieces, you can sometimes save a little money by padding the container (if it’s opaque) so you don’t need quite so much fruit.

      1. HannahS*

        I’ve seen centrepieces that were potted plants. I think they were little $5 pots of violets ordered from the grocery store. It certainly didn’t read as formal, but they served the purpose of being something pretty in the middle of the table, and some of them lived in our bathroom for a while afterwards.

    22. Katie the Fed*

      The only thing guests really remember from weddings is that the couple was relaxed and enjoying themselves. That’s it. When I think back to all the weddings I’ve been to, I can’t remember a thing about the food, the music, the favors, the flowers, any of it. I remember that the couple seemed happy and gracious.

      1. Ali*

        I agree with all of the above, just wanted to say that I do remember the wedding favour which was a token saying “in lieu if wedding favours a donation has been made to *cancer charity* in memory of *family member*”

    23. heckofabecca*

      First of all, congrats!

      Considering how important the toast is to him and that you’re forgoing the cake, I’d say go for it! We all have weird wedding hangups; $140 for champagne is way better than it could be, assuming it still fits in your budget! And as many others have said, a non-alcoholic option (one that people know is there) would be kind for those who don’t partake. And as someone who can’t drink alcohol OR bubbly beverages, I recommend also having a non-bubbly option (a white grape juice is easy and passes well).

      A few speeches (no more than 4 or 5.. and no more than 3ish minutes each) do very well, as long as they’re not right on top of each other. Many attendees at a wedding only know one person; well-assigned toasts can offer a better picture of you as a couple to your guests.

      Fruit centerpieces sound very nice!! Fruit are nice in general :) I’d just plan ahead about what will happen to the fruit when the wedding is over—don’t count on getting your guests to take them all! My brother donated his (floral) centerpieces to the local hospital, if that gives any ideas. Again, congrats and may the rest of your process go smoothly!

    24. Astra*

      It’s ok to not have a toast. It’s ok to not do “traditional” wedding things you’re not interested in doing. Just make sure you both come to an agreement. And yes yes yes to echo previous commenter: read A Practical Wedding if you haven’t already.

      My table centerpieces were baskets full of apples so yes to fruits! Let guests know if they’re ok to eat or take afterward. We had so many apples leftover, which meant apple goodies for weeks later (hindsight, that was awesome. At the time it was another thing to deal with post-wedding)

    25. Not Alison*

      For the wedding toast, everyone used whatever beverage they had at their table, the wedding party was offered champagne and my husband and I had champagne in the Waterford crystal flutes from our registry. Very memorable first use of our new flutes.

      1. Totally Minnie*

        I would recommend having a conversation with your fiancé about why a champagne toast is this important to him. If it’s because he wants to give the people closest to you a chance to share their feelings and participate in your celebration, then you can do that with or without champagne. In my own experience, I’ve been to a lot of weddings (with and without alcohol) where people said lovely things about the happy couple and we all raised a glass of something to celebrate. If it’s actually about the champagne itself, it’s worth having a conversation about why.

        The best wedding toast advice I have is this: avoid open-mic toasts at all costs.

        As far as centerpieces go, fruit can be gorgeous and classy. It can be nearly as expensive as flowers to get that much, but at least you’re paying for things people can eat afterward instead of dead flowers. :)

    26. Stellaaaaa*

      Have the option of champagne or sparkling cider. I didn’t have an opinion on this until the part where you wrote that he can’t eat cake. He’s already missing out on one of the traditional ceremonial parts of a wedding, so I say let him have a toast if it’s really this important to him. It’s his wedding too.

      1. Thlayli*

        Also, if you actually want cake you can have it, even if he can’t eat it. Just like he can have the champagne toast even if you do it with non-alcoholic drink.

        The important thing is to figure out what’s really important to each of you, and have that. Everything else can be reduced to meet budget.

    27. LilySparrow*

      Champagne toasts are nice but optional. In my area, dry weddings are common. If you are alcohol-free for religious or personal reasons, a sparkling cider toast is a fine alternative. If it’s a budget issue, better to just skip it. But if your fiance truly feels strongly that “it’s not a wedding without one,” that should trump anybody else’s opinion. Ask him what else should be cut to pay for it. That has a wonderful way of clarifying priorities.

      Guests pay attention to whether there is enough to eat for the time of day, whether there is enough space and seating for everyone to be comfortable, whether the party flows naturally without long awkward delays (like standing around counting ceiling tiles waiting for the happy couple to get photos taken), if the music strikes a good balance in style & volume so that talking & dancing are both possible (if dancing is included). How the other guests behave and treat each other (visible tension/conflict, drunken boorishness, etc), and how such things are handled by the hosts.

      I think a bowl full of plums would make a lovely centerpiece. But how many plums are you going to end up with?
      We had an afternoon buffet instead of a seated dinner, and had the florist put vases on the table for the bridesmaid’s bouquets. It was so simple and nice.
      I’ve also seen bowls of the guest favors used as centerpieces (like the rice bags or packets of Jordan almonds). That’s nice because most of it gets taken away.

    28. Ten*

      I am a dedicated teetotaler and at our wedding we toasted with sparkling cider. No one griped about it (at least not to me!). I think it’s the ritual that matters more than the beverage used.
      And I think a fruit centerpiece would be lovely. =)

  21. Savannnah*

    I’m prepping for our big move out west as I mentioned in the open thread yesterday. I’ve never had professional packer/movers before and advice online for prepping your stuff is all over the place. They are coming on the 8th to pack and the 9th to move and my husband is flying back from Portland to supervise but its on me to get our apt ‘ready’. My plan is for this weekend to identify and throw out/donate all of the things that are not coming with us and then next weekend to organize, clean and put smaller things into gallon ziplock bags. My dad and I are doing a 3 weeks road trip out west so I’m packing all of the stuff I’m going to want with me in my car on the 7th. I’m also pulling all the art off the walls. What else should I be doing? What do I need to think about that I’m not?

    1. DMLT*

      Make sure you know what things the moving company absolutely will not take. When my sister moved, she had already left town when the movers came. There were things they were not allowed to take that I got stuck dealing with. (Mainly food – she thought they would take nonperishables, they wouldn’t – and money. She had a big water jug full of coins she had thought they would move. They would not touch it. Had to have a friend come with a dolly and move it to my car, take it to the bank, and mail her the check! (It was over $450 *after* the coin counting fees…)
      So just make sure you’re not leaving anything behind that the movers won’t take.

      1. Going Where It's Weird*

        How strange. That’s our pack and move dates… AND destination. Too!

        It’s our second time around with this. Your contact with the company should have given you a very detailed packet as well as be open to contact.

        Ours does not move IKEA beds and will $$$ to disassemble. And all our anchored furniture MUST be unanchored.

        We will make a list an do a video of high value items and ones that are easily pocketed off a truck.

        We will pack very little because they won’t insure things that break because they can’t verify they were packed well.

        I will be going around with painters tape and marking things not to be packed. If I had the space I’d consolidate it, but it’s not possible today.

        Some will give a discount if you come well under the estimated weight so don’t pack things you “probably” don’t want at the new place.

        Otherwise we’ve had an easy time before and that included getting reimbursed for a few damages. I’ve moved 20+ times and no matter how something gets damaged.

        Good luck!

      2. Lindsay J*

        Those were things our movers specifically noted as well.

        No household chemicals.

        No money.

        No food.

        I had to pack all that and transport it in my car.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      We had professional movers when we moved a few months ago, so I have a recent experience I can tell you about. They will pack everything. As in, if there is trash in your trash cans, they will pack those up with trash in them. You don’t need to take things off the walls unless they specifically tell you to, but it won’t hurt to do it anyway. You honestly don’t need to do anything except the stuff you *want* to do — like if there’s stuff that you’re nervous about them packing because it’s breakable or valuable, you might choose to take care of that yourself, but really you could do absolutely no prep and they’ll walk in and do it it all.

      My advice is to do a thorough walk-through of the house before they leave — look in closets, cabinets, and drawers just to make sure they got everything. I found one cabinet and one coat closet they forgot to do.

      1. KR*

        Seconding taking care of the valuable (in general and to you) things yourself. Also, make some sort of inventory for yourself of furniture as far as condition and parts. Finally, don’t be scared to communicate with them – you’re not bothering them. I told them about x chest that had a leg prone to breaking, or how my kitchen table came apart even though I wasn’t up to taking it apart myself, or that blank thing was really important to me so I would appreciate extra care with it.

      2. Elizabeth H.*

        The packing trash cans with trash in them is so classic! Every single person I’ve known who has used professional packers/movers has reported exactly this. So funny.

      3. Slartibartfast*

        This was my experience as well. I asked them not to pack the litter box, and they didn’t… but they DID pack the scoop, the anti tracking mat, and the extra litter. They also packed my non perishable food, and the bread, and the hot dog buns. That was interesting when we unpacked cross country a month later. So my advice is be VERY specific, get a list of what they will and won’t take since it seems to vary, and putting DO NOT MOVE on items with painter’s tape sounds brilliant. You’ll be amazed how fast they move.

      4. Lindsay J*

        Haha yes.

        When we had movers come this was one thing my boyfriend warned me about specifically. Apparently when he moved as a kid the movers packed trash from the trash cans as well as coffee cans filled with used coffee grinds and bacon fat from cooking.

    3. paul*

      I might allow more time. We’re moving in May and I’m already sorting through stuff…not packing much up yet but doing the “keep/sale/donate/trash” type of sorting.

      Some of it depends on how much you have though.

    4. awb*

      In addition to the excellent tip that they will pack everything!! I would also note that they will not pack everything to the same level of protectiveness that you may pack. And that even if you kept the boxes or bags and packaging for appliances, furniture and others, they won’t necessarily pack those items in there. Pack yourself or wrap what’s valuable to you, including china. I recommend taking all jewelry with you.

      Delicate furniture, I would ask them to add additional padding. The base is often not enough. Make sure you empty your fridge so Tupperware etc is not left behind.

      Most moving services won’t take any food, including spices (we had to leave our whole collection last time) and anything aerosol, including rubbing alcohol, etc. and some won’t take batteries. Take all batteries out of small electronics.

      Shoes are tough since they don’t wrap individually and box. They get wrapped in paper than tossed into a larger box so delicate shoes or ones that could be damaged should be first boxed. Same with books as they’re placed directly into the box and stacked without a ton of organization so sometimes can end up creased and folded.

      It’ll be easier on you to unpack if you sort like by like so you can find and direct the unpacking easily when you get to your final destination. Bucket stuff in a room. Strip the bed. Empty the nightstands. Otherwise they will tape down and keep all items in drawers then wrap.

      Two international moves and countless personal small moves later, with all the missing and broken items from both, I still consider movers essential.

    5. ..Kat..*

      If you are donating a large quantity of stuff, some places (like Goodwill and Saint Vincent’s Society) will come pick up the stuff.

  22. Persephone Mulberry*

    Where are my YNAB (You Need A Budget) fans at? I’ve been at it for three weeks and while I love it, I also know that for myself, weeks 3-5 of any new habit are when the novelty starts to wear off so I backslide and then fall right off the wagon. (I can feel it happening already!) Any good tips or stories to help me stay motivated to stick with it?

    1. Natalie*

      Getting into a routine with it is really helpful. I update our budget every morning while I’m having coffee. Since I do it every day, it doesn’t take long, and it’s a good moment to also check for any wonky transactions and check where different balances are. For what it’s worth, direct import lags by over a day most times (for me at least) so even though I have that turned on I’m usually ahead of it anyway. As they have more history it’s also easier because stuff autofills based on the vendor name.

    2. Emma*

      I’ve been using YNAB for a year now! I used to be really great about inputting receipts as soon as I charged a card, but yeah, over time the novelty wore off a little bit. Now I have a calendar reminder set for a once-a-week budgeting session: I input any receipts I haven’t had a chance to (usually small charges) and reconcile all the accounts so I know everything is totally accurate before things get out of hand.

      The categories helped me feel better about spending money on an emotional level… and I don’t think I’d ever go back to another method because of it. This might have been an issue only I had prior to YNAB, but I would buy gifts out of a big “fun money” category. I started a gift category on YNAB’s recommendation and this past holiday season felt SO different. I enjoyed buying gifts in a way I didn’t before. It’s a little annoying to have more categories than I used to on a practical level, but on an emotional level I feel way less guilt about spending money on things that used to bother me.

      Also– just my personal preference but I don’t buffer. I have an emergency fund category and I prefer seeing my EF money that way, as opposed to in future months. I also have an FSA debit card through my work for health expenses… I don’t track that as an account at all in YNAB and there are purists that would probably be horrified by that, ha. So I will say there are certain aspects of the software you can just ignore if they don’t suit you and that helps you stick with it!

      1. Natalie*

        Definitely use it how you want! I use credit cards up the wazoo for rewards points so I ignore all of their little “be debt free!” stuff.

        1. DDJ*

          I think the important thing with credit cards is to use them more like debit – not carrying a balance means you’re not in debt. I do the same thing, I pay for everything on credit cards, but I also pay off the cards every month so I never get interest charges. That’s how you win at credit cards! That’s what I learned in a finance course many, many years ago, anyway.

    3. YNAB4ever*

      Start with the habit, stay for the results. Dunno if this is motivating, but I’ve been doing it for 3 years. In that time, I have never paid an NSF fee, only one late fee (serious health crisis prevented me from paying a bill). My net worth has gone up by $100k, I’ve bought a new car, and gone to Europe.

      It’s the daily routine that’s harder. I play games with it. How many no spend days can I do this month? Can I spend less on groceries than my mom used to? How can I set aside enough for Christmas?

      It really does work, and after a year if you skip a week, it feels odd.

    4. Libervermis*

      I adore YNAB. Things to help it transition from novelty to habit:

      1. Make your goals visible/tangible. Even if you’re not saving up for anything in particular (and I recommend you do), some kind of image or phrase or something about how nice it will feel to just be able to pay [utilities, car registration, whatever] without thinking about it.

      2. Save up for something specific. 3-5 weeks is the tough time for you, so fund a category for a special something you can do somewhere in the 6-10 week range. Doesn’t have to be big.

      3. Check in with someone regularly. I find that accountability is the best thing for helping me form habits.

      4. Don’t worry if it takes a few false starts. YNAB’s philosophy especially is designed to be flexible. Let your budget serve you rather than you serving your budget.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        See, this is where I think of Gretchen Rubin’s four tendencies. I’m not into accountability and doing no 3 would make me self sabotage and give up on the whole thing.

    5. Katie the Fed*

      If you have a specific goal, really focus on that.

      We’re ok financially – have paid off all our debt but our mortgage. So it’s hard to get motivated to save. But we really want to put an addition on the house in the next 5 years and I don’t want to go into debt for it, so I try to think about it ALL THE TIME so it’s fresh in my mind when I’m forgoing little purchases, eating out, etc.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      I only used it for a free trial and it completely transformed the way I manage money.

      In the past 17 months I’ve paid off almost a quarter of the debts I was previously having a breakdown over. If you take my income after taking off my share of the rent and household bills and my train pass, I have saved one third of it to put towards my debts. I could not have done that without YNAB! And once I pay it off I’ll be great at saving!

      1. Persephone Mulberry*

        How do you track/budget outside of the software? Spreadsheet? On paper? I’m completely hooked on the method, I’m just debating whether the software is worth the monthly cost (It’s currently at $7/mo). I’ve heard that they give out extensions to the trial pretty freely, so I’m going to give that a try before I decide.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          I heard they often give them away if you do the classes.

          I now use a spreadsheet. The main thing YNAB did was just curb my spending and stop me only counting money after I didn’t have it any more. I would have continued using it had it not been for the considerably reduced functionality on the iPhone app which is how I wanted to use it.

          1. nonegiven*

            They used to give away activation keys for the old version at the live classes. Idk what they do with the online only version.

    7. LilySparrow*

      I really like the software. I am not great about complying with the method over the long-term, but it’s still a wonderful tool for recordkeeping, reconciliation, and planning.
      The more you use the method, the more you’ll benefit, but you haven’t wasted time or money on it even if you “fall off the wagon” from time to time.

    8. Aealias*

      Well, spouse does the poking at the program and reconciling bank accounts and software, so I can’t speak to everything.

      What works for me is to log transactions when they happen. I don’t work off receipts so much as I log purchases standing at the end of the counter before I leave the store, or sitting in the car before I drive away. I find that waiting any longer than that, I can let receipts slide for days. Then my budget lines are LIES, I am angry with them for BETRAYING me, and I fall off the wagon.

      Also, I regularly annoy spouse by logging income through the app and directly to a budget line. “Oh, made an extra fifty bucks off this side gig? Kidstuff->Income. There, now there’s money in that budget line to pay for babysitting during that side gig.” He likes all the money’s entering the system to be in a general income slush pool, and distributed from there, but that’s not how I think of “extra” money and insurance reimbursements and stuff. So, I figure you pick the approach that works for you, there.

      1. nonegiven*

        Now that makes sense to me. Maybe a side gig main category with side gig income and side gig baby sitting as sub categories.

  23. Mom's getting paranoid*

    All the talk of helicopter parents this week has coincided with an incident that has got me thinking. I’m consciously trying to not meddle with my adult kids, and I think I do pretty well with it….but my second oldest son is making it hard lately! He’s having mysterious heart problems, lives alone in a secured building 30 minutes away, has twice called me to take him to the ER in the last six weeks, and the other day texted me at 2 am that he wasn’t feeling well, might need to go to the hospital again, and then went silent for FOUR HOURS.
    Is it helicoptery that I want a fob to his building? He has already given me a key to the apartment itself, and the last couple times he was in trouble it was during the day/evening and I was able to follow someone in or walk through the office. But at 2 am, the building isn’t staffed and it’s unlikely anyone else will be going in or out.
    I don’t want to be that parent who insists on access to their kid’s life, but dangit if he’s passed out I want to be able to get in the building without calling 911, which I almost did! So as long as he’s living alone and having issues like this, I’d like to be able to have access in case of emergency. But then I feel like THAT MOM, so I haven’t even mentioned it.
    (He’s okay, BTW. Just fell back asleep and dropped his phone under the bed so he didn’t hear it vibrate.)
    (And yes, he’s getting lots of testing done to try and figure it out…)

    1. neverjaunty*

      Helicoptering would be fussing about his furniture choices or getting his laundry done. Wanting to be backup when he is undergoing a health crisis is not helicoptering (unless he has told you to back off).

    2. Thlayli*

      I think it is ridiculous at this point that he hasn’t given you access. If ever there was a situation in which access is important, this is it. Hell im perfectly healthy (touch wood) and my mother has a key to my house!

      1. Mom's getting paranoid*

        He has given me a key to the apartment (even before all this started happening) but I haven’t yet talked to him about a fob. He’d have to go ask management for a second fob.

    3. Red*

      Maybe try bringing it up in an “It’s totally okay if you say no, but I wanted to ask about X because Reasons” way? Try to take the pressure out of it while still asking for what you need. Honestly, I think it’s a reasonable request, so long as it’s very clear that it will only be used in case of emergencies.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      It’s perfectly reasonable for you to have access in case of emergency. You would only be THAT MOM if you take advantage and pop in unexpectedly whenever you feel like.

    5. fposte*

      Your son is asking for a heightened level of involvement. It’s reasonable to ask for a heightened level of access.

      It’s more involvement than I would have had with a parent in his situation, but there’s no reason for me to be the yardstick; he’s also free to say no, he’s not comfortable with that.

      “Helicopter parent” is to some extent a caricature concept; in reality parents and offspring have all kinds of different arrangements that can work fine for them, and that’s all the arrangements have to do.

      1. Mom's getting paranoid*

        Thanks, your first sentence is how I feel about it. You want to call mom for stuff like this? Then give me what I need to help.
        I just don’t want *him* to think I’m helicoptering. To hell with what anyone else thinks. I guess that’s my personal definition of helicopter parent: when the child thinks the parent needs to back off.

        2. LilySparrow*

          If he’s calling you for help in the middle of the night but hasn’t given you a way to actually get in, then he may well think you are helicoptering.

          But that whole setup is irrational and you can’t magically figure out how to do the right thing from the perspective of a person who’s being irrational.

          Hopefully he isn’t actually unreasonable and just hasn’t thought it through.

    6. Temperance*

      I think he’s being super irresponsible here! He lives 30 minutes away from you … he should be calling an Uber/Lyft/taxi at that point if an ambulance is not a feasible choice.

      You should have access to the building if he keeps relying on you for this.

    7. dr_silverware*

      I think it’s reasonable! Especially if you define the boundaries of using it with him. For instance:

      -in non emergency situations you still have to buzz up and warn him

      -use it only if he’s told you about a medical problem and then is incommunicado

      -if he misses a regular checkin by x hours

      That kind of thing—a way to build trust and allow you to not feel helicoptery or like you’re about to invade his space.

      1. Mom's getting paranoid*

        We don’t do “regular check ins” as part of our relationship, but otherwise that’s exactly how I would use it.

    8. Akcipitrokulo*

      If he’s given you a key, and is ok with that, gettig a fob is just a practicality that was missed, not a privacy issue. He’s ok with your getting into his place!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, my read on this is that it’s an oversight on his part.
        OP, if he has a key to your place, you could probably use that to help the conversation along. “You do have a key to my place and I expect that you would use it in cases of emergency. I would treat the fob in the same manner, it’s for emergency usage.”
        I do have to land on what another poster said. He called YOU. This means your help is wanted. You are not helicoptering or micromanaging or anything.

        I am also curious as to how emergency rescue gets into that building.

    9. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      From your son’s perspective – ask politely w/ the reasons why, then DO NOT under any circumstance ever, ever, ever abuse it. No surprise parties in his apt. Only use if it he specifically asks you to, or if there’s a real concern about his health and you need access to him. If he’s got a girl over, don’t go over there. Call the police and ask them to check on him instead if you think it’s urgent.

      Also, once his health issue is identified and treated, offer to return the fob.

      1. Triplestep*

        I’m scratching my head over the tone and content of this response. Even by the time it was posted, the OP had indicated on many levels that she had legit reasons for concern coupled with a desire to keep appropriate boundaries. (Her entire reason for writing was to maintain appropriate boundaries!) The “DO NOT … ever, ever, ever” finger wagging is really unwarranted, as is the reminder for her to “ask politely”. Not even sure what to say about the “got a girl over” part. That is just completely out of left field.

        OP, I have an adult son and I’ve also tried to impress upon him that it’s important for anyone who lives alone to have emergency resources set up. It’s equally important for him as it is for my 86 year old mother, but of course the dynamics are different with one’s offspring. You’ve gotten some great advice and feedback here, and I hope you’re able to have some peace of mind with your son’s situation going forward.

    10. Jules the First*

      Does he have a neighbour who would be happy to buzz you in? I’m single and my lovely neighbours (on my floor in our secure building) were more than happy to take a key to my apartment and buzz family in if it was an emergency.

    11. Ali*

      The fact that you are asking the question indicates you are not an overbearing parent. It’s likely he just hasn’t thought of it. If you ask “son thanks for giving me a key but without fob access I can’t get to you if you are incapacitated, can we do that?”

    12. LilySparrow*

      That is not helicoptering.

      Anyone who is having serious health issues needs an emergency contact who can get to them in an emergency.

      Controlling/helicoptering would be if he had chosen someone else as his emergency contact, and you insisted he give you a fob instead of them.

      If he’s going to call you for help at 2am, then he needs to make sure you can actually do the helping.

    13. LCL*

      I don’t think you are being a helicopter mom at all, he is asking you for help. But I’m not sure giving you increased access is the best way to go here. Ask him if he would consider a life alert or equivalent, they aren’t just for old people. I guarantee the fire department has a way to get into his building. How would you feel if you missed his call because you have a life of your own, and something bad happens? Can you remain calm enough to drive him to the ER if he has a health crisis? I know I’m catastrophising, and I hope his tests show him to be perfectly healthy and he’s just drinking too much Red Bull.

      1. LilySparrow*

        If he wants the fire department to access his home in an emergency, then he should call 911 instead of his mom.
        Right now, the plan is, call Mom, who has to drive 30 minutes to get there. If he’s unresponsive by the time she arrives, she then has to call 911 to get the FD to break into his building.

        That is a stupid plan.

    14. Triple Anon*

      I don’t see how this could be helicoptering. I think it’s pretty common to give a relative or close friend access to the place where you live. More so if you live alone. More so if you have health concerns or a similar type of situation.

      Helicoptering refers to more intrusive stuff that over rides the helicopteree’s individual identity to some extent. Like sharing a Facebook account, writing a cover letter for them, perusing online dating sites and sending them links to profiles that you think would be a good match, helping them with papers for grad school. That kind of stuff. You’re just being a normal helpful parent.

  24. The Cosmic Avenger*

    Who is interested in home automation?

    I installed a Kwikset 910 deadbolt last week, and I’m loving it! I picked up a Samsung SmartThings hub cheap, so I can use my phone to program new codes, open or close the lock, check the battery level, and even get push notifications when it’s used! SO much better than the first generation August Smart Lock I had before it, even with the August Connect module to allow for access via the app. And the Kwikset works with the Amazon Echo, which is nice.

    I also have an earlier Honeywell internet-enabled thermostat, the Total Comfort Connect one. I am very reluctant to trade it out because I love the large color screen that shows temp and humidity both inside and out. A lot of the newer ones try to simplify and lose some of that information.

    And for our home theater system, I have a Logitech Harmony One remote. It’s the third one we’ve had, and while I’ve been upset that the last two have had buttons fail, it makes sense because we used them all the time, and this one we use the touch screen a lot more, so I’m hoping it lasts longer. I love being able to customize any button or add any function to the touchscreen.

    What are you using? Do you have questions about any of these? Let me know!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Next you should check out Hue lights! You can control them from your phone, turn them different colors, put them on timers, etc. My husband is a big AV buff and uses some as a sort of theater lighting, and he’ll set the color to match the mood of the movie we’re watching, which sounds silly but is actually cool. (Like red for the Martian, or so forth.)

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Cool! I’ve been looking at those, although the biggest drawback is that we don’t have many table lamps. We like to use compact fluorescent torchiere lamps, because the light diffuses more, there’s less glare. The ceiling fixtures we have mostly have frosted glass bowls underneath, so I will probably try a Hue in one of those.

        I had beta tested a couple of home automation outlet controls to control the torchiere lamps, that worked well, but I had the typical home automation problem of not being sure which technology I wanted to go with, as they all had their significant pros and cons.

        1. Natalie*

          For your non-table lamps, they have plain white ones that have all the neat timer and dimming features, but are like 25% of the cost because they have no colors. We have a bunch of them, and my favorite thing is all the lights going on at 6 am when I get up, so I don’t have to stumble groggily through the darkness.

      3. Just a Concerned Third Party*

        If you haven’t already, please make sure to secure these devices as well as you’re able to, especially if you’re accessing them from the internet! (Preferably behind a well-configured firewall and a VPN.) So many manufacturers of these IoT devices take a very “security never” approach to them, so these things keep getting hacked and added to the dozens of absolutely massive IoT botnets currently warring with each other for control of the internet, then used to DDoS websites or other services, or as staging points to attack computers inside the network they’re connected to. It’s such a huge problem these days and yet I swear I never hear about it except from niche tech news sites and security blogs.

        2. Natalie*

          Do you have any specific recommendations for where to read more about this? I’ve been meaning to secure our smart home stuff a bit more once I understood that it was more than just someone taking control of your thermostat and messing with it.

        3. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Oh yes, of course! The Arlo Netgear camera (which I forgot to mention) has a random 30-character password (2FA isn’t available for it), the Kwikset lock has a master password that is required to add passcodes, and my phone is always locked when I’m not using it. Oh, I think the Honeywell site limited passwords to 15 characters, but it’s also random. And I always use letters, numbers, and special characters when generating a password. And I do check for router firmware updates regularly.

    2. Ree*

      Oh I like the idea of the Kwikset deadbolt!
      We have a Nest Thermostat and love it! It does tell us the humidity indoors and the outdoor temp and we can obviously operate it from our phones – which is SO SO nice when we have the thermostat turned down while we’re away, we can turn it up when an hour or two away from home and walk into a warm home! Or cool, in summer :)
      My husband and I are thinking about purchasing the new Nest Secure – it doesn’t require home monitoring like an ADT system or that sort of thing, it will send alerts to your phone and it has key fobs to unarm it and it can be used in conjunction with a Nest camera outside.
      I’ve also been looking into someway to automate our outdoor lights, but then I think I might be overcomplicating things, since I could just get a daylight sensing bulb!

    3. Elizabeth H.*

      My boyfriend does hobby electronics and has his room lit up by different types of lights he controls with Alexa. He has colored Xmas string lights, white string lights, 2 cool floor lamps and a desk lamp he built himself, but the best part is this amazing set of what we call ping-pong lights. They are made with a circular circuit board driving an individually programmable LED, and a ping-pong ball cut in half glued over it to diffuse the LED. He controls them with a local area network and their default pattern is to all drift between colors and brightness completely randomly. It’s hard to describe how cool they look. He has 5 strands of 10 lights stuck to his ceiling in different places (he has a sloped ceiling so it looks really amazing) and they are all different colors and shades of brightness or dimness.

      He also has a multi-color tower signal light where one of the colors gets lit when the bottom door to his room is open, when the hallway door to his room is open, when the microwave is running, and when the fridge door has been left open for longer than a few seconds. That one starts flashing alternately blue and green when the fridge has open for even longer.

      I never thought I’d be into the home automation stuff but when I’m in my room I definitely miss being able to tell Alexa to turn the lights on and off from bed!

    4. Al Lo*

      Our landlord put in ceiling fans, but didn’t wire the lights separately, which is annoying. So, we got IKEA smart bulbs for those 3 light fixtures that were controlled by their switches.

      At Christmas, we got an Echo Plus with the home hub capability, and got a few extra light bulbs, so now almost all of the lights in the apartment are voice activated. For lamps, I got a couple of smart plugs. Our place is small enough and the mics on the Echo are good enough that we can control it from anywhere in the apartment except through a closed door.

      Ikea has a good range of bulbs in different sizes, with colour temperature changes or not, and they’re about half the price of most other smart bulbs out there.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Oooh! Thanks for the tip about IKEA. Even though we are pretty secure, I have trouble with the concept of paying $40 or $50 for a light bulb, especially since I already have LED bulbs in all conventional sockets, although I’ll probably try at least one color-changing one. (Although I might have to try two, the ceiling fixture in the same room as the home theater takes two bulbs.)

    5. Dead Quote Olympics*

      I’ve got hue lights on four levels and use Alexa (and Siri) to turn them on and off without having to go up and down stairs. Some of them are color, so I can change the mood (did red and green in the kitchen for late night Xmas). I have some routines set up, e.g. bring the bedroom lights up gradually for 5 minutes before the alarm goes – usually I now wake up before the alarm, and more gradually therefore less groggy. Certain lights turn on automatically after sunset based on the location of my phone, so that when I enter the house the lights are already on.

      I was thinking of things that I really find useful about voice commands, and they are actions that I either want to happen at a distance so the desired state is in place when I get there, things I want to happen at a distance or when my hands are full. Next thing I want is a smart shower — “Alexa, turn in the shower” so the water is hot by the time I roll out of bed and walk to the bathroom.

    6. Mike C.*

      Make sure you aren’t putting a crazy expensive lock on you’re door when it’s mounted on an inexpensive frame. Weakest links and all that.

    7. Observer*

      If / when you decide to change out, look at the ecobee. The screen is great – nice and large and very straightforward. And, the multiple sensors are really nice.

      I have some Hue bulbs, but I realized that they are of very limited use to me. The colored lighting isn’t going to happen, and I can’t find any compatible bulbs with more than 800 lumens, which isn’t really great as primary lighting in a nice sized room.

      I have a SwitchMate smart switch, which is great in theory, but annoying in practice because it’s a bit finicky. I’d really like a smart switch that takes the place of a regualr switch but all of the ones I have seen require a neutral wire, which none of the switches in my house have.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Thanks, I’ll keep ecobee in mind. People rave about Nest, but their selling point seems to be that it is simple and predictive, and as you’ve probably guessed, I *like* tweakable/hackable/complicated technology…as long as it works!

        The (dumb) LED bulbs I wound up going with for interior lighting are 60W equivalent but 800 lumens and 27000K, which is fine for overhead fixtures that take 2-3 bulbs. Most 60W equivalents are 650-700 lumens. I’m not sure how that works, but it’s the color temp that’s critical, as another household member vetoed the first bulbs I bought as being too “harsh” (blue, >3000K). Luckily, after one blew, they refunded the whole price and told me to keep them rather than exchanging them.

        I’ll look at the Nest, but we have one CO detector in the furnace room that’s connected to our alarm system, plus one standalone on the main level that we had to add to pass an inspection. But I’d be happy to replace the latter eventually.

        I think the next thing I will be adding is a Ring (video doorbell). Well, maybe after the smart bulbs, because they’re cheaper and simpler to add.

        1. Observer*

          If your bulbs are 60w / 700 lumens, then you’ll be fine with the Hue and Hue compatible lights. And there are a lot of them available. Temperature shouldn’t be an issue.

    8. Observer*

      I also have a Nest carbon monoxide / smoke detector. It’s easy to set up and it just works. And the siren on that thing is LOUD, as with any decent detector. So, if you are in the house and don’t have your phone with you, you’ll hear it anyway.

  25. Overeducated*

    My mother in law was recently diagnosed with cancer. It was caught pretty early but it’s a type she had about 10 years ago, so there’s major surgery being scheduled in the near future. I’m hoping and praying for the best while trying not to think about the worst, and hearing most of what I know through the large family grapevine.

    What I’m wondering is what is the best way to be supportive and helpful without being imposing. We live about 1.5 hours away, so we could bring meals or send cards and books she’d like, but I assume actual visits could be a bit much with an active child. Fortunately she has a lot of more local suppoet as well. What are the thoughtful things I’m not thinking of that have been helpful to others?

      1. Overeducated*

        Thank you for this idea. I think my in laws would not be comfortable with a cleaning service for various reasons but cleaning and laundry is something concrete we could offer to do while one of ua takes the kid (and maybe FIL) to a nearby museum or something.

        1. Natalie*

          Yard work and/or snow removal (depending on where they live) would be another great option, if they don’t already outsource it.

    2. Emma*

      I’m a young adult cancer survivor and was fortunate enough to be able to move in with my parents after I was diagnosed. But… heck, even WITH my healthy parents in the house we had a hard time keeping up with cleaning, so that is an EXCELLENT idea from Amy as far as I’m concerned. (Caregivers often go through bouts of depression while their loved ones are in treatment so I don’t blame my parents but yeah, it would have been nice to have a slightly cleaner room while I was in treatment!)

      In terms of other things: Bringing meals is great– but definitely ask about taste changes before you make anything if she’s getting chemo. Also… sometimes all I wanted was a fresh, homemade salad… and I never got that because people tend to get really stuck on the idea of making food that can be frozen easily (casseroles, etc).

      I got a LOT of blankets that I did not need, ha. What I would have liked was having someone shop with me for (or gift me) the not-very-fun stuff that you need when you go through hair loss (might not apply here, hopefully it doesn’t!)– the scarves and caps and wigs. I highly recommend Headcovers Unlimited online if you have trouble finding things locally. Their packaging is SO NICE and really brightened my day when I ordered my own caps.

      Even if she’s not going through hair loss– she may need new clothing post-surgery (or, new clothing might just be a nice pick-me-up). I needed a different style underwear post-surgery to stay comfortable, for instance. And also lounge clothing without elastic wasitbands. That will vary based on the surgery. I also had a port and needed warm winter clothes where I could still have my post accessed, I had to buy some button up sweaters for that purpose.

      Might also be helpful to make sure she’s set up with tray tables or backrest/wedge pillows for her bed, couches, and even car seats. A wedge pillow for my bed would have been THE BEST. I got sick of rearranging my pillows all the time.

      2. Kuododi*

        Resounding second on checking food tastes as well as sensitivities etc. When I was recovering from my cancer treatment I swear my food brigade only knew how to make chicken broccoli rice casserole. Not bad once and awhile but dear God…a steady diet of that for eight weeks was just mind numbing. There was one family that was notorious for their lack of skills in the kitchen…they brought over a jumbo bucket of KFC and I was so thankful!!! ;)

      3. Starley*

        Just seconding the wedge pillow. My husband was sick and largely bound to the bed or couch for about a year and a half, and that wedge pillow was an absolute godsend. It was much more comfortable than fighting with a stack of pillows and when he was finally able to get up by himself it was easier than starting from laying flat.

    3. Ree*

      A cleaning service would be great, especially if she goes through chemo and/or radiation and her immune system is down afterwards – a clean house might help alleviate concerns about germs or getting sick.

    4. Grace Carrow*

      If she is a reader, then audio books for when even the lightest Kobo is too heavy to hold.

      +100 to checking about taste changes during chemo. And ask about any restricted foods. Grapefruit and pomelo can interfere with medication. If she has intestinal issues then she may need to avoid all fibre.

      Skincare, especially foot care. Some good quality, unperfumed , lotions and creams. E45 lotion with the red top really saved my skin from dryness during chemo and I even used it instead of the recommended aqueous cream during radiotherapy. Kiehls make a good heavier lotion that is perfect for dry feet.

      Doing some cleaning or paying for a cleaning service +100.

      Be sensitive to her energy levels, so you know when to leave, and don’t take it personally if she just wants to sleep.

    5. Cheshire Cat*

      +1000 to the suggestions for help with cleaning and yardwork.

      Also, just listening may help. Your in-laws are probably both terrified, and may need to talk about their fears (and your FIL will most likely to be comfortable doing so out of your MIL’s hearing).

    6. Triplestep*

      Check out “Lotsa Helping Hands: Care Calendar Website”. It’s a free internet tool that will allow you apply some organization to all the local help she’s got. With a bit of information from her about her treatment schedule and food preferences, people can sign up to bring meals, send take-out, or provide rides at specific times. This way the help people already want to give is spread out and given when needed, not all at once at the start of treatment. People really do want to help, and this just helps organizes their best intentions.

      I had a local friend who was diagnosed with cancer (a single mother of two school-aged boys) and I could not effectively help because of my demanding job and commute. I kind of strong-armed her into letting me set this up for her (I was her site admin) and it turned into something she really appreciated. She later thanked me “for being pushy”. All it took from me was some time online reminding her community when treatments were and letting them know when there were open slots for meals and rides. The communication tools are all part of the site … and it’s free!

      1. Triplestep*

        I should mention that you can use LotsaHelpingHands to schedule anything – not just meals and rides. You can schedule cleaning, yard work, visitors, etc. (My friend only wanted meals and rides, so that’s what we used it for.)

    7. Adele*

      When my friend had cancer one of the best things someone did for her was to hire an in-home mani-pedi. My friend loved it. Never would have occurred to me.

  26. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone with bulging lumbar discs and/or an annular tear used a chiropractor? If so, did it help? What was your experience?

    I went to a chiropractor on and off for many years starting as a young teenager. When this disc problem popped up last August I went the medical route: PT and cortisone shots. I went for my second round of shots a couple weeks ago and it doesn’t seem to have given any further relief. They want me to wait six weeks and then see how I feel. I can then have another round of shots. If that doesn’t help, the next option is some sort of decompression procedure where they remove the center of the affected discs, which should then stop them from bulging. I can’t remember the name of it. (It began with a “P” and had decompression in the name.) It’s outpatient, but I’m not too sure about having something like that done–it’s my spine after all.

    In the meantime, I’m thinking of going back to a chiropractor since it helped a lot throughout the years. There’s going to be a “lunch and learn” next week at work, and a chiropractor is coming in to speak. I plan to attend so I can hear what he has to say and then make a decision.

    1. Colleen*

      Chiropractors can be very different — it is not a “one size its all” situation. A chiropractor should be able to help, but you may have to move from one to another if you find you are not getting the relief you need/expect. Try to find someone who speaks about helping you to get better, stretching muscles and tendons, and weaning you from needing regular chiropractic intervention. I hope you find relief.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! Yes, I want to be able to go for a few weeks, months, whatever and be done. Rinse and repeat when necessary. I don’t want to go for months on end. And, yes, I hope I find relief, too!

    2. Enough*

      My daughter has mild scoliosis and bulging discs in that area. Which we now think explains why she didn’t get as much relief as she expected. You might get some relief if the pain from the discs causes you to put your spine out of alignment which then affects the surrounding muscles causing more pain.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I have mild scoliosis, too. I’ve had it since I was a kid and it doesn’t seem to have progressed, which is good. Now that you mention the discs putting my spine out of alignment causing muscle pain, that might explain my many years of muscle spasms in the lower back. I’d never had an MRI until this year, so maybe they’ve been bulging all these years and the annular tear is the new thing that caused the additional pain in the summer? Hmm.

    3. fposte*

      I am not a fan of chiropractic as a discipline–it’s just not a science. That being said, there are individual people in the field who I think can be really knowledgeable and helpful. I would look specifically for an orthopedic chiropractor, which is separately board certified, and would make my call based on the individual practitioner rather than chiropractic as a whole.

      I would also consider trying again digging deeper on the PT–PT is also a field where results and skills vary immensely from person to person. I can’t remember–were you doing McKenzie back therapy, for instance? It wouldn’t hurt, if you haven’t already, to see a different spine doctor for a different perspective; I’d look at somebody focused on physical medicine rather than a surgeon, and ask about *specific* PTs, trainers, and chiropractors they know for the best outcomes on non-surgical management. If you find somebody that really works for you, you’ll probably get some advice and exercises that will serve you well even if you have surgery.

      (“Percutaneous” is basically another word for minimally invasive on the back surgery, btw.)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thank you for giving me the correct word for the surgery! I couldn’t remember so I could Google it. Yeah, I’d prefer not to do surgery, but I also don’t want to spend my life chasing pain remedies either. If it’s something that would help a great deal then I would consider it. But not before trying more things.

        Chiropractic was great for relieving my lower back pain years ago. I just got away from it, either because my insurance didn’t cover it and I couldn’t afford it, or I was just of the mind “this too shall pass.” I feel like I should try it again to see if it helps. I also don’t want to keep having cortisone shots, as they’re quite expensive and they haven’t seemed to help all that much.

        1. fposte*

          While I don’t think anybody should rush into spine surgery, I will say that for both of mine I wish I’d had them a lot earlier than I did.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I’m so torn about back surgery. I’ve met people who had it and they still have pain or it’s worse. My husband knows a couple people that feel great now. I don’t know. Seems like a 50/50 shot that it will help. But maybe I just haven’t met the right people!

            1. fposte*

              To be fair, my “wish I’d done it earlier” comments are all in hindsight. But I couldn’t have sustained a decent and employed life the way things were before the surgeries, and it was clear things weren’t going to improve without it, so it seemed a logical choice.

              If you can (insurance is obviously a factor), it’s also good to check out a few different doctors and get at least one second opinion; I was willing to travel a bit to get a look at a top-ten ranked program, and if I correctly recall that you’re in CT, there are programs in Boston and NY that you could get an appointment with if you wanted to get a high standard on that consult.

            2. BatteryB*

              I had surgery for my bulging and ruptured discs in my neck several years ago. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. The pain during recovery was a fraction of the pain that I was in before the surgery.

        2. Paquita*

          With regard to the shots, sometimes it depends on the doctor. DH went to a pain doctor for several years and had shots every few months. They did not work consistently. Finally got tired of that (and doc’s attitude). Went to a new doctor (recommended by my coworker), had one shot almost a year ago and is just now starting to feel some discomfort.

    4. Kuododi*

      I have had positive experience with chiropractic care in the past. I do think it is important to ask around and interview for a provider who shares your philosophy of healthcare. Chiropractic care is a positive aspect of the overall healthcare picture however personally I would steer clear of any provider that believed they were the be all and end all of medicine. My most recent chiropractor was excellent and kept my back and shoulder problems in check for quite awhile. (Arthritis, degenerative discs, and a pinched nerve). When things got to the point I was not getting relief from chiropractic alone he was the first to refer me to MD care. (Rehab, cortisone shots, pain management specialist). That’s what I look for in a quality chiropractor!!! (On a somewhat related topic….if you happen to have problems with thyroid I’m balance and take cortisone shots… make sure your endocrinologist is keeping up on your levels….. I learned the hard way that cortisone interferes with thyroid meds absorption….. endocrinologist warned me ahead of time. I’m just now getting my levels back in check and I had my last shot back in November.)

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Luckily I don’t have any thyroid issues, but thank you for mentioning it. My cousin takes daily thyroid meds because she had hers removed years ago. If she happens to even need those shots I’ll now know to mention that to her.

        Yes, I know what you mean about certain chiropractors thinking they can solve every medical problem under the sun. A friend used to see one. She and her then-husband went for something like a year for migraines, every single week, several times a week. I don’t ever remember her raving about it curing her migraines. And I do see lots of them that claim that basically every problem you have can be solved with chiropractic care. Nah, sometimes you just need a regular medical doctor.

        1. Kuododi*

          I hear you!!! I had a friend in high school whose mother was an office manager for a local chiropractor. Apparently she bought into the line that chiropractic would fix everything so she would get adjusted for everything from seasonal allergies to gastric distress. She was one of those people who never looked well bc her actual medical problems went unchecked until she became unnecessarily ill.

    5. BRR*

      I have two herniated discs and the first round of PT took FOREVER to find something that worked and the shots only helped a small amount. After a period of being pain free my back started to act up and this round of PT I’m in now was much better and one shot did so much. It’s not really answering your question about a chiropractor (I personally feel a little nervous about it but since you’ve already gone you might be less nervous). Just wanted to share my story I guess since it took such a long time for improvement before.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Just my opinion and FWIW. In picking out a chiro I want someone who has been doing it for a while, say 1-2 decades at least. The reason I look for this is because chiropractic may not fix everything because not everything comes from a structural issue. Although it is surprising how many things do. So in my search I want someone who has been at it for a while. Additionally, I want someone who has more tools in the tool box. One tool I look for is use of nutrition. By this I mean quality nutrition from natural sources, not synthetics. I also want guidance on what foods to eat to help my body because I prefer to tap the body’s willingness to help itself.
      When I called to make an appointment and/or on the first appointment I would point blank ask this question:”I have problem X and Y. Have you ever treated this before? When they say yes. ask them what their average results looked like, what kind of time frame and impacts on pain levels and mobility levels. I tend to be to the point, I don’t want to waste my time and the doc’s.
      And I go by results. If he says something like “You should see a 30% reduction in pain in six weeks.” I mark it on my calendar. If I don’t get that result in that time frame then I’d ask why. I have never had to ask why because I get the results. Back to picking out someone who has been doing the work for a while. This is a person who has seen it all and knows how much result to expect and in what time frame.

    8. Starley*

      I went to a highly recommended chiropractor, who had a pretty extensive background in physical therapy and sports medicine prior to becoming a chiropractor. Simply doing nothing to fix my back would have been a great outcome, because within minutes I was in horrible pain, which he tried to handwave off, telling me it was normal. I’ve broken bones more than once and didn’t shed a tear, but this had me straight up ugly crying. Surprise: it was not “normal.” AT ALL. I was diagnosed a few days later with a pinched nerve and have never felt anything but a mild tingling in four of my fingers since then. I wish I had done more homework and understood the risks before I let one anywhere near me. I’ve spent more time and money on neurologist visits, physical therapy and pain medications because of that than I did getting my back fixed. I knew people “didn’t believe in” chiropractors, but I had no idea how unscientific the field is. Do your research.

  27. The Curator*

    I am just checking in. We have been together over 20 years.
    Significant other diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.
    I do most of the cooking and grocery shopping.
    Our house is stocked with healthy food. I cook balanced healthy food that is low-fat (but not no fat) and low salt because of my own health issues.
    He has taken to reading aloud from carbohydrate counting books.
    He has been explaining to me that egg salad is bad.
    Mayonaise is bad.
    The cereal he eats for breakfast is bad.
    I have said that I am keeping my eyes on my own plate.
    I have said that he is responsible for what goes in his mouth.
    I have invited him to shop, to cook, to prepare food, meals, snacks.
    I have said this is what I am planning let me know if you need an adjustment for your food plan.

    Does anyone have a script that isn’t mean to stop the carb counting announcements, bad food pronouncements?

    1. fposte*

      I have a huge pet peeve about people who want household work to be done the exact way they please but won’t do it themselves.

      That being said, you know the guy and otherwise like him. What I’m not seeing in this list is outright asking him to stop this behavior–has that happened? “Bob, I put a lot of work into this part of running the household, and it’s demoralizing to have the food I purchase and prepare criticized so frequently without any offer of help. Could you please stop that? If there’s something you’d like to change, I’m open to discussing positive ways of your taking initiative, but the criticism isn’t a fair way to treat me.”

      (And he’s obsessed with carb counts but has also taken against mayo? He needs to pick a lane there.)

      1. The Curator*

        oh, oh, this is perfect. And yes, I do like the guy a lot. When I have a huge issue and trouble talking about it, I write him a note. I do that using this language. Thank you.

    2. Thlayli*

      Oh I hate this. its like when someone gives up alcohol or sugar and then lectures the rest of us on our choices. It’s like “dude, I’m the one eating/drinking a responsible amount all my life, YOU’RE the one who had a problem, stop trying to make me fix a problem I don’t flipping have!

      Unfortunately I don’t have any solutions except just ignore him, continue telling him what you have been telling him. people seem to get over it after a few years and behave normally again.

      Also, a shopping list might help. We have a list on the fridge and anything we want is written on the list. If he wants healthy alternatives, and it makes sense because of scheduling or whatever for you to continue doing the shopping, then tell him to write what he wants on the list.

    3. HannahS*

      “Honey, it’s not bad, it’s just not suited to your body and your needs” every darn time he says it. The hope is that eventually, he’ll get tired of being corrected and he’ll either change his language or stop all together. I’ve done similar things with my dad to try to get him to stop saying that the things I love are “a waste of time.” No, it’s not a waste of time if I enjoy it. “But from a financial perspective…” Ok, from a financial perspective sewing my own clothes isn’t worthwhile, but if I enjoy it, it’s not a waste of time.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Hmmm. I think it depends on the kind of communication you have with him. Meaning, some couples kind of dance around issues, or have to walk on eggshells and be careful as to what they say and how they say it. Others tell their SO to go F themselves and STFU (not in a mean and nasty way, more like they’re being really blunt–this is me). If it were my husband I’d probably tell him, “You do you and I’ll do me. I’m happy to help in any way I can within reason, but you need to take responsibility for yourself. I’m not your mom. Now STFU with the carb counting announcements.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Ha! yeah. this.
        Ask him what is point is with this on-going carb convo. Get him to think about what he is doing, what his goal here is.

        I can’t tell if he is correcting you or reinforcing his own learning or mourning his new limitations.

        With my husband we had a different issue where he complained I was always shopping. I had to, he never set foot in a store. So I decided we were going to have a big change. He would be coming with me to grocery shop and he would be picking out the foods he wanted for the week. This can be done. It did open his eyes a lot. And the grocery shopping ended up being time together where we could chat with each other. So this seemingly horrible thing worked into something pleasant in the long run.

        I will say, in watching my husband shift to the more limited diet, there was some sadness there and it was definitely a learning curve.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      “This isn’t okay with me. I can do x but not y. Being told x makes me feel y. It would help if you did x, can you do that?”

    6. LilySparrow*

      “Honey, I want to support you in the food choices you make to improve your health. But I can’t take over responsibility for them.
      Your constant talk of good and bad foods feel like you are just making passive-aggressive digs at me. It’s driving me crazy and it has to stop.
      If you want to plan meals that fit your needs, I’ll pick up whatever’s on the list when I’m at the store. If you have a special request for a recipe, I’ll try it once in a while. If you want to work together to plan meals that can suit both of us, I’m game. If there are certain foods that you feel out of control around, we can talk about ways to minimize that.
      But if you want to completely change the way you eat, then you have to do your own cooking.
      The way I eat works for me and my health. You need to show me the same respect that you want me to show you. No more talking smack about my meals.

    7. Former Employee*

      I don’t even understand his comments. I know a number of people with Type 2 and as far as I am aware, eggs aren’t bad and a number of cereals are fine, such as oatmeal and cream of wheat.

      1. LilySparrow*

        There are many approaches to managing diabetes. The most well-researched, established ones focus on eating a balanced variety of foods, because long-term compliance is important. When you start cutting out entire food groups and demonizing foods, you create a high risk of out-of-control behavior and radical swings in your intake, which is particularly bad for diabetics. Yes, eggs are fine. Oatmeal is fine. If he was eating Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs for breakfast, he’s gonna want to cut that out.

        However, there are also a lot of faddish, highly restrictive diets that are marketed as ways to “cure” diabetes by eating certain magical “good” foods and avoiding even a molecule of magically “bad” foods. They do tend to get short-term results because if you cut out enough food groups, you will of course reduce your calories, lose weight, and feel better. Long-term, the results become statistically insignificant because most people find such plans unsustainable.
        Diabetics do need to be aware of their carb intake and their overall calories. And mayonnaise can sneak a lot more calories than you expected on to an otherwise reasonable sandwich.
        But if all he’s getting from his learning is that x food is “bad,” I suspect he may be getting into one of these gung-ho handwavy plans.

        1. The Curator*

          He got a mass market book. He has an appointment with a coach and then one with a nutritionist.
          The cereal he ate was Kashi Go Lean.
          I make a weeks worth of steal cut oatmeal on Sunday portioned out in 1/2 cups with 1/4 cup of toasted walnut, about ten dried cherries, and a hard boiled egg for breakfast.

          The egg salad is made with 1 tablespoon of mayo, three hard boiled eggs, one carrot, one celery. This is lunch for two people. I have mine on rye crisp.

          Funny story- He asked me what I had for breakfast- I said oatmeal. I said why don’t you take one portion out of the freezer and have that. He said okay, how long, and I say three minutes then stir.
          And I walk through the kitchen, that’s funny I think, it smells like someone is making pea soup.

          Yup he is microwaving a frozen portion of pea soup. Pea soup is green with flecks of pink. Oatmeal. Oatmeal is oatmeal colored and that’s it.

          1. LilySparrow*

            Yeah, he probably got an unpleasant surprise on how much sugar is in that Kashi.
            The soup/oatmeal thing? Wow.

            I mean, it depends what your relationship is like, but I think “you can’t tell oatmeal from pea soup, and you want to lecture me on food choices?” is a legit position to take.

            Hopefully the nutritionist will get him on the right track.

            1. The Curator*

              no, i just thought it was funny. took the bowl out the microwave and put the oatmeal in.

              It is Sunday morning at 7:30. I have the weeks oatmeal in the Instant Pot. On the counter is his shopping list. All good stuff. No meals.

              I’m going to try to have a discussion that goes like this…
              What is your week like?
              What do you see yourself eating for meals?

              1. Scubacat*

                Bless his heart.

                I once dated a guy who burned a salad. Like, he legit thought that people prepare salad by cooking it in a pot.

                Oatmeal and instant pots? I have to try this.

                2. Bibliovore*

                  The Instant Pot is the miracle oatmeal maker. I like my oatmeal lumpy.

                  Tablespoon of butter
                  2 cups steel cut oatmeal
                  4 cups water.

                  Set to saute. melt butter. put in the oatmeal, stir until it smells toasty. add water.
                  high pressure for ten minutes
                  natural release.

                  I make half cup discs and put in there freezer.

    8. Piano Girl*

      I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes last March. I was pretty obsessed about the numbers of carbs in things at first, as I tried to wrap my head around everything. One of the things that really helped me was a book called Diabetes Meals on a Plate which showed me what a typical meal consists of. I know when I make dinner what my plate should look like. I’m taking responsibility for my health. For the most part, the meals I serve are low carb, and if my family chooses to eat otherwise, that’s on them. Your significant other needs to be responsible, also.

  28. Alice*

    In case anyone else likes to print up photobooks, here’s some info I learned this month.
    I was able to get books printed at my local Walgreens; with CVS I had to drive twenty miles (even though there are many CVS stores in my city). The CVS website didn’t tell me where I could pick up until after I’d done all the set up. Next time I will check in advance.
    I could add extra pages to a CVS book, but not with the other stores (speaking only about in-store printing – it might be different for mail order).
    When they thought they had lost my order, they started printing it again. So fast!
    The Walgreens quality was better – some of the CVS pages seem a little oversaturated with ink. No bad, just not as good.
    There always seems to be some deal on offer – easy to see on their websites. But, you have to remember and enter the code.
    All in all, probably better to plan on advance and do mail order for more options. But if you are a procrastinator like me, you really can get nice photobooks very quickly.

    1. Gala apple*

      Oh thank you! I’ve been wondering. I ordered through Shutterfly recently and was really disappointed in the prints; they were quite pixelated (despite being high res iPhone photos) and oddly cropped.

      1. awb*

        I’ve actually had quite good experiences with Shutterfly. I think the key is making sure you spend time to edit image placements in the book to make sure they’re cropped well and be aware when images are near the center spine they may not be as visible because of the fold. I spent quite a bit of time editing and organizing though! So not exactly your simple straightforward production.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I’ve had good luck with Shutterfly too, but I agree, it’s a lot of work to edit and crop and place. The automatic photo fill-in doesn’t really work, IMO, since it auto-populated only one photo per page (that was probably the default setting). I usually put 3-4 and since I wanted different templates and a different order than they autopopulated, had to start from scratch anyway.

        I will say, my Christmas cards from Shutterfly weren’t as good as I hoped. I did the standard matte and felt the photo wasn’t as nice-looking as previous years.

    2. Blue_eyes*

      I’ve had good experiences with Picaboo. They always have some kind of deal going, so look for a promo code for a major discount. There layout software is pretty easy to use, or you can let it auto fill the pages with your pics. Orders usually arrive in 2-3 days for me, and there may also be a rush option.

  29. Mimmy*

    Thanks to those who replied to my post last week about traveling to Pittsburgh.

    …..and it looks like I may not be able to go after all. My brother and his wife are renewing their vows and invited the family (I’m not saying where to preserve my anonymity). The vow renewal is on a Saturday; the conference starts the next day. Because we also have our annual family gathering the week of July 4th, my brother said not to feel obligated, but my husband thought it would be nice to go. He’s right – As much as I really want to attend the conference, it would not be right to choose that over family. I’m not ruling it out entirely; I *could* possibly fly on to the conference the next day. It’d just be trickier from a logistics standpoint and, of course, more expensive.

    This conference takes place annually, but it is in a different location each time. I thought it’d be perfect this year because I think it’s the closest it’s been to my neck of the woods; who knows, it could be in California next year…no thanks!!

    3. Loopy*

      I missed your post last week so apologies if this was already explained but how long is the conference? If it’s a week long, can you perhaps just arrive a little late? Or find a middle road and leave a little early from vow renewal ? (on that last part I am AWFUL with etiquette so that might but too impolite, I’m not sure). Is there a compromise where you mostly get to do both?

  30. Steve*

    A friend we’ll call Abe just dumped me over an incident that happened three years ago. Not even between Abe and I, but rather a third friend “Bob” who admittedly did something not very nice. They are no longer friends, but I am still friends with both of them. Abe vehemently thinks I should have stopped being friends with Bob. He literally calls Bob evil. Apparently every time Abe and I were hanging out, he was stewing over my continued friendship with Bob. After three years he decided he can’t take it any more.

    Should I try to talk Abe out of ending our friendship? Should I accept his decision and hope he eventually gets over it? Or should I consider it good riddance?

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I would respect Abe’s boundaries. Whatever Bob did was serious enough that it’s still bothering him after three years so this isn’t some kind of whim.

    4. Shoe*

      Only one person needs to opt out of the friendship for it to end, and it sounds like Abe has made that decision. You can’t reason someone into being your friend.

    5. Forking Great Username*

      I doubt you’d be able to talk him out of it. And depending on what Bob did, frankly I might be on Abe’s side here and encourage you to leave him alone.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      He has thought about this for a long time. He has given it careful consideration. I’d wish him the best and let him go on his way.

      1. Steve*

        That’s pretty much what I thought. It’s sad for a friendship to end this way, but there’s nothing I can do about it but grieve in my own way (which could include being grateful for the years we did have, etc.)

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      Eh…..did Bob really do something legitimately terrible to another human being? If so, why are you even still friends with him? I have absolutely cut ties with friends who still get along with people who have wronged me. If you can overlook the way your friends treat other people just because they’re nice to you…well, that’s why Weinstein was able to get away with it for so long.

      1. Lissa*

        Depends on what it was. I mean, I have friends who have made mistakes in their past and would not necessarily kick someone out of my life for having an affair, or being an ex-convict, or cheating on a test, but to others those things might be dealbreakers. I mean, I agree accept Abe’s boundaries but I am not on board with it being immoral to not cut out a friend who’s messed up – It’s also not wrong TO cut out a friend for these things of course! And it’d depend on whether the friend genuinely regretted his/her actions, and so on. I’m a big proponent of not being defined by the worst thing you ever did. Others feel differently of course and you’re unlikely to change the mind of someone in either direction.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          I have ended friendships with people who have had affairs. That’s not merely a mistake. That’s evidence of dishonesty and deceit toward the person they claim to love most. Anyone who freely engages in an illicit relationship is a rotten person in my bookl.

      2. Steve*

        Abe mentioned the Weinstein situation in the final discussion. I think it might have been what triggered him to stop putting up with me.

        That said, if what Abe said were true, I would 100% have dumped Bob a long time ago. Except that I didn’t witness it myself. And I sincerely have been keeping my eye out for even a hint of the kinds of behavior Abe objected to. Not only haven’t I seen it, I have seen the opposite, in different but similar situations. It’s just really hard for me to imagine that things went down the way Abe said they did.

        1. Agnodike*

          For what it’s worth, it’s very very very common for abusers to seem absolutely normal to people they’re not victimizing. It’s often a surprise to the people closest to them who haven’t been targeted, because many abusers are so good at compartmentalizing their behaviour that their friends and family really didn’t know about it. You might consider how it would feel to Abe, if he had been victimized, to have a friend basically say “well, unless I witness it happening, I won’t believe it happened to you.”

        2. Forking Great Username*

          Well, with that context, I would probably cut you off as a friend too. You don’t believe Abe about something seriously important. Why stay friends with someone who isn’t willing to trust you? Especially when it comes to something as important as sexual harassment/assault.

          FWIW, there are a lot of people who would say the same things about Weinstein that you’re saying about Bob. There’s a reason that 99% of the time someone is arrested for sexual crimes there’s an outcry among their friends and family about how they could neverrrrr have done that and they’re just not that kind of person and blah blah blah. 50% of my family doesn’t speak to my because it’s easier to believe that I’m a liar than it is to believe that my male relative is a rapist. I have zero patience for this kind of shit and land solidly on Abe’s side. Unless you have a serious turnaround in your mindset here, you absolutely need to leave Abe alone. He doesn’t have to justify cutting you out of his life when you’ve chosen to remain friends with someone he knows is guilty of Weinstein type crap and don’t even believe him about what happened.

          1. Steve*

            I’m sorry, sincerely, for your experience.

            However, just to be clear, the situation with Abe & Bob does not involve any kind of abuse or violence, sexual or otherwise.

            Abe simple compared me to all the people who stood by and didn’t stop something from happening. The “something” is very different, though.

          2. Lindsay J*

            UGH, yes.

            I’m having to take a step back from Facebook right now because a prominent person in one of my former social scenes has just been accused of various forms of sexual assault and some other unsavory things. I had had no evidence of these types of things happening before, but I had seen some general red flags (when you are a middle aged man and have tons of barely legal, attractive, young Facebook friends, my heckles go up. Same when you seem to feel it is okay to ask people to do a ton of work that one would typically be paid for, and that you would profit from, on a regular basis.)

            The number of people posting hashtags indicating that they “stand with” this person is sickening to me.

            The number of people going, “Well, I totally believe that you feel like something bad happened to you, but I’ve never seen him do something like that and he’s always been such a good guy.”

            The number of people going, “Well, yeah maybe he’s a bad person and I know he’ll be profiting from this, but it would be a shame for [this thing that he does] to die because it’s so cool.”

            The number of people calling it a witch-hunt because they haven’t personally seen this happen so therefore it couldn’t possibly have happened.

            The number of people going, “Well, something kind of similar happened to me, but I’m not out for blood over it so why are you?”

            Most people out there are not monsters. Most people out there aren’t 100% terrible 100% of the time. I’m sure that vile Olympic gymnast doctor didn’t sexually assault ever single person who saw him during the timeframe he was active. I bet there is someone out there who he healed and who credits him for still having their career/hobby. I’m sure his neighbors and family didn’t think he was a creep and a pedophile and a rapist. Maybe he helps old ladies cross the street safely in his spare time. None of that fucking matters when what he did do wrong was so abhorrent.

        3. nonegiven*

          Did you see 20/20 the other night? The guy molested a kid with her mother in the room and she didn’t know. When a kid said something to an adult, they were told it was a legal medical procedure, over 20 years ago. It went on for years and people didn’t believe it.

    8. Totally Minnie*

      In an argument over sports teams or somebody’s bean dip making skills, being the friendship equivalent of Switzerland can usually work out just fine. But if Bob actually crossed a line and caused Abe a significant amount of pain, you really do have to make a choice. And Abe feels like you did make a choice. You chose Bob. Abe spent three years trying to get you to understand this, and I don’t blame him for giving up the fight now.

      By all means, get in touch with Abe and apologize for not taking him seriously all this time. But do that without any expectations that he’ll be friends with you again.

      1. Totally Minnie*

        I’m realizing that my comment above may come off sounding harsher than I intended it to. Steve, I’m not blaming you for anything here. I just wanted to put forth the idea of what Abe might have been thinking that led him to end your friendship.

        1. Steve*

          Heh it’s OK. I do think you’ve got a pretty good handle on Abe’s point of view.

          I specifically asked him, if I dumped Bob now, would that be enough? But it’s too late, my refusal to take Abe seriously enough to act, has tainted me. As you say, from Abe’s perspective: I chose my side, and it was Bob’s side. (Even if from my perspective, I was just trying to stay neutral.)

          1. Forking Great Username*

            There’s no neutral with sexual harassment or assault. Staying silent about it has just become another way of condoning it and allowing it to continue.

          2. Totally Minnie*

            For what it’s worth, if I were in your place I would probably end my friendship with Bob anyway.

            There are a lot of abusers out there who are very deliberate in cultivating friendships with people who they then use as shields against abuse allegations. They only show those friends certain sides of themselves in hopes that when an accuser comes forward, those friends behave in exactly the way you did.

            I can almost guarantee that Abe is not the only person Bob has hurt, and you are not the only person he has used to protect himself.

            I’m more sorry than I can say for both you and Abe. But my recommendation now is to believe what Abe told you and cut ties with Bob. It won’t get you your friendship back, but it may help you sleep better at night.

  31. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I’m having a frustrating doggy issue. My buddy is usually a very good boy and he’s generally pretty chill– around the house, he lazes and lopes and chews his chewies and sometimes plays with his toys. He loves people and other dogs. We take him out in public and get tons of compliments on how relaxed and well-behaved he is. We love him immensely, and he is a damn joy.

    But he does get excited. He loves playing with other dogs, but his play behaviors in the past have been problematic. He’s not aggressive by any means but he can be bossy. He used to try to coax dogs into continuing to play when they wanted to rest, though he’s stopped doing that. And when he gets really into a play session and there are a lot of dogs around, he mounts. He will stop when he’s corrected, but he will keep trying. When we’re at the dog park and this starts (usually after we’ve been there a while), we correct him and then we leave. It’s not dominance behavior– this has been confirmed by several trainers– but play behavior.

    However, some dogs don’t like it and react badly, which I completely understand (which is why we try to discourage it). And my bud got a final warning at his daycare the other day. His last warning was over a year ago. The daycare staff agreed that it was probably because we were increasing the time between daycare days, so being there just got him so worked up that he had to get all his jollies out. But because other dogs may not like it, it’s problematic behavior. Which I completely get. Sigh. I was SO upset the other day and my dog could sense it. So I dropped him off this morning to see if being there on a slow day, and only three days after his last session, would help him reset.

    But this sucks. I love his daycare. They love him too– one of the staff members there told me today that my buddy is “the best, we love him, he’s such a good boy”. I like taking him to daycare once a week so he can socialize and run around. More than that, I need to be able to board him at a place I trust, and we may lose this option. Also, I feel like a terrible dog mama because he acts out like this. This is such a nothing problem, but it just sucks. My dog is about to get expelled from school! Sigh.

    1. Natalie*

      Have you tried working with a behaviorist yet? They’re not cheap, but since his daycare is important to you and he might get kicked out, it could be worthwhile.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        We worked with one a few years ago, when we first moved here. He was having terrible separation anxiety– he hated being dropped off and separated from me. The solution was… more frequent daycare. And it worked! I should probably call her again. It’s such a tough fix. The daycare even tells me they don’t think there’s anything I can do because I’m not there at the time.

        One thing I personally think would help is taking him on a day when his favorite staff members are working. Unfortunately, they’re all guys, and I really don’t think I can say, “I love the women here, but I can only bring the dog in when dudes are working.” He has always responded better to men and he LOVES these guys. I also feel a little strange asking for, say, Josh’s and Mike’s schedules.

        1. Natalie*

          Eh, it’s probably just a coincidence, or you can just tell yourself that. Why not say “Josh and Mike are his favorite and his behavior seems better around them, when do they work?” I doubt anyone is going to even notice, but if they do people that work with dogs are pretty familiar with how much they can stereotype. Or if you feel really weird, ask for everyone’s schedule and then just bring him when his buds are working! At least it would help a little maybe?

    2. Dog Lover*

      What about looking for a training place where they board and train? My doggy daycare has a dog trainer who does classes in the same building and you can book her to work on specific behaviors while your dog is boarding. Maybe your trainer or behaviorist could come in and work with him while he’s at day-care, so they could catch the behavior and work on it in the setting it’s happening? I’ve also heard good things about the program Sit Means Sit for training dogs out of behaviors that other things haven’t worked for. This program was suggested to me by the last trainer we worked with for my dog who is still reactive on-leash after going through many group and individual training sessions.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        That’s a good idea. Our daycare in New York was run by a trainer, and he learned so much with her (he went there when he initially adopted him). There’s one like that here, so if he does get kicked out, I will definitely explore that option. The only reason I’m reluctant to now is because we bought a 10-day pass a few weeks ago (grrrrreat timing, bud!).

        As an update: yesterday he was “so good”! The staff member at the desk said, “He has some moments but as soon as you say his name, he stops. He wants to be good. He’s the best.” Then I mentioned he had a final warning and she hadn’t seen it in his file. She reiterated how much they love him. I am SO relieved, but I also know I have to be careful about how often he goes (no more skipping weeks) and what days.

  32. JaffaButter*

    How do you make tough decisions? Pro/con list? Flip a coin? Defer to someone else you can blame later? ;)

    I’m at a life crossroads in many ways (moving city, buying/selling home and a work related change also) and already being hideously indecisive I am truly stumped. What works for you to make big or tough decisions?

    1. Simone R*

      Time and trusting my gut. Knowing that I will get to a decision eventually and that the decision I make will be the best one I can make with the information I have now. Things that could make it a bad decision are out of my control and I’ll deal with them if they come up.

    2. anon24*

      When I have to choose between 2 things (move, stay, take this job or that, etc) I like to pick one of them, any one, and pretend I’ve made that decision and it’s set in stone. How do I feel about that? I usually know then.

      For example, when we were deciding whether we wanted to move out of our hometown or not, it was looking like the smartest choice was to stay, but we couldn’t decide. I “made up my mind” for a few days that we were definitely staying. I was heartsick, sick to my stomach, and couldn’t eat. So I knew it was right to move. When I decided we “were definitely moving” I felt a sense of peace.

      1. Ree*

        I do this too – imagine you made the choice and proceed from there – make a list of the things you have to do(apartment hunting, changing your driver’s license, etc.), want to do(visit new places, travel to X city because it’s close) and would GET to do – i.e., moving to a bigger city – you can travel to other places faster, assuming you’re in a hub city. Or, you can go hiking because you’ll live near mountains or go to the beach.
        Basically, list the yuck, the new and the stuff you can’t do where you currently are.
        Do the same with your other option, where you currently are, but as if you AREN’T currently there(like, what don’t you do here that you WANT to do, or can do)

        Also, my husband and I took a total leap and moved halfway across the country, where we had no friends or family and it is in the top three best decisions we have ever made.

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        This is pretty much what I do, too. If I get too caught up in trying to weigh the pros and cons and can’t make a decision because of FOMO/overanalyzing it, I’ll flip a coin (sometimes literally), and wait for that small moment of “OH NO!” or “Whew! Finally!” in order to figure out which one I really would prefer. If they’re pretty evenly matched, I might as well choose the one I’d prefer, and if I’m spending a lot of time analyzing the choices I’m probably suppressing my feelings about them more than usual in the process.

    4. Overeducated*

      Just trusting my gut. I can’t overrule it with pro and con lists, I think it is a way of understanding my foundational priorities. I can be ok with this because I think there are a lot of decisions where the choices aren’t right and wrong, just different.

      Where it gets hard is couple/family decisions, since I don’t have access to my partner’s gut and it’s hard to say if what comes out of his mouth about it has been tempered with altruism. We’re going through some major dual career decision making right now, so you have my sympathy and good luck!

    5. Dr. Doll*

      One strategy I heard of that I liked was the 10-10-10 — how will this decision affect me in 10 days, 10 months, 10 years?

      For example, buying a wonderful new home will not affect you much in the next 10 days (probably) but will be an epic hassle for the next 10 months, and then will provide 10 years worth of enjoyment. Unless you can’t afford it — in which case there will be a high for 10 days, hassle for 10 months, and then 10 years of stress.

    6. Thlayli*

      Pro-con list, doing the maths on both sides if that’s relevant. Think through different scenarios.

      But ultimately a lot of if comes down to knowing yourself and how you will feel about the decision. Sometimes it helps to flip a coin and convince yourself beforehand you will do whatever the coin says. your immediate reaction on seeing it will often let you know what decision you’ve already made deep down.

    7. JenM*

      I tend to trust my gut and make snap decisions with very little thought. Move to Australia – sure go on! Buy a house – better than renting I guess. It’s worked for me but I have no dependents and a good net to catch me if I fall. But sometimes you have to take a leap.

    8. Ramona Flowers*

      Also a fan of the coin flip – and also try telling someone else your pros and cons. They may notice how you talk about each eg if your face lights up more.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I read a great article that talked about the decision making process. The author pointed out that in the fast moving world we have making a pro-con list takes too long. His suggestion was to find one strong, solid reason for the choice we make.

      I have talked to people I trust. Oddly, these folks are not always the folks who are nearest and dearest. It could be a professional I respect. It could be someone from church who I know had a similar decision to make. It could be a neighbor. While no one knows every answer, we can pick people who for example know something about cars to talk about our car problem. Or we can pick someone who knows about our field of employment and ask them questions. I like to collect up a couple ideas and take the best of the best ideas. Sometimes I have to modify that best idea or sometimes I can apply it directly.

      It’s also good to know that we can actually get tired of making decisions and need a break. Perhaps some of the quandaries you are facing now, can be bumped to level B priority and that would help to free up brain space for the level A priorities. Or perhaps you could take a down day each week where you did low key things and deliberately choose not to think about Tough Decisions just for that one day. This is the power of incubation time. Incubation time is time spend AWAY from dwelling on Issue. Sometimes when we come back to the Issues we can greater clarity.

      Last. You can go one question at a time. Try to think of a time in your life where you were faced with a similar type of decision. What did you decide then and how did that play out? What would you change or keep about the way you made that decision?

    10. Triple Anon*

      Get some exercise, take a bath, meditate – something to get into a really relaxed state of mind. Then I think about what I really want and how I really feel about it. Of course that’s in addition to analyzing the pro’s and con’s. But I think those gut feelings are important to listen to.

    11. LilySparrow*

      I do a lot of research, first to find out what sort of questions to ask, and then the answers. I try to read/hear about other people’s experiences. I try to get direct experience of the thing (visiting the city as long as possible, for example.)
      I make backup plans so I know what I might do if it doesn’t work out, and how difficult it would be to change my mind.
      I’m religious, so I pray about the whole process of deciding. And I talk it over extensively with my husband and with people I’m close with who are good on the subject. (My dad’s really good on money stuff. I have a friend who’s a much more experienced in our field for industry-related things. I’ve had a couple of different counselors who were really helpful with relationship stuff, and so on.)
      Ultimately,
      I figure out what it will cost me/what damage will be done if I make a wrong choice. I compare the consequences and lost opportunity, or the effect on other people, and figure out if it fits my values, furthers my goals, and if I can “afford” (emotionally, financially, career-wise, or whatever) to be wrong.

    12. nonegiven*

      Make pro/con lists. Every variation you can come up with. Sleep on it. Flip a coin and if you are disappointed, then you know what you really want.

    13. Sarah G*

      I typically project into the future and ask myself which decision am I more likely to regret? Maybe a few months from now, maybe a year from now or 5 years from now, depending on how big a decision. That works for me just about every time.

    14. Lindsay J*

      I look at it logically at first. But since a lot of things don’t have outright comparable pros and cons, and because the future is generally unknowable, a lot of times I just go with my first emotional reaction.

      Like, when I heard about the option to move, was I excited and happy, or did it seem like a huge burden even in that first minute?

  33. Coffeelover*

    I wrote a couple of weeks ago about struggling to be happy after moving to a new country to be with my husband. I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who responded. It really helped to hear that others have gone through this and that it’s not just me. I’ve tried to make some changes (both in mindset and in actual things). A couple of you talked about the ups and downs of life. That we all experience them and that sometimes you just have to get through knowing it won’t last forever. That helped a lot.

    As a quick update on the situation… It’s still not easy. I still have moments where I really struggle (a coworker asked about my weekend plans and it made me pretty depressed knowing I had nothing as usual). But on the flip side I started a new job so I’m getting out of the house. I bought a light therapy lamp so hopefully that helps. I think overall the best way for me for now is to keep busy. So I’m planning to do a lot more with my free time. I’m signing up for evening classes and I’m thinking up some side income opportunities. Plus spring (aka sunlight) is right around the corner!

    1. awb*

      I missed the previous discussion but as someone that’s been there, it helped a lot to have a weekend routine I followed in the beginning. Perhaps I went to the market every Saturday morning and knew all the vednors, or maybe I would duck into the local mall to browse for a bit and stop by the bookstore. You may also find that you make new friends at your new role, and even just having more casual conversations about life outside work with my colleagues helped to make me feel more connected to the new locale.

      Best of luck!

      1. Lindsay J*

        Oooh, I like this idea.

        I’m not exactly new in town anymore – we’ve been here for like half a year – but I still don’t have friends in the area yet. I’ve stuck with plans where I’m intending to meet people (board gaming meetup most Sundays). But having a routine that I just do myself the rest of the weekend would probably make me feel more settled.

        1. awb*

          And after a while, I found I really relished that time alone. My role required a lot of face time and being “on” with clients, so the weekends was my time to disconnect and relax while still having interactions with other people.

    2. Blue_eyes*

      That’s good to hear! I didn’t comment last week, but I read your comment and the advice. I’m sure getting out of the house regularly for work, and seeing some of the same people every day at work will help you feel more settled. I think you’re right to keep busy and make routines.

      This isn’t the same situation, but one year I was working part time while looking for full time employment and I decided to make the most of my free time. I didn’t want to go back to a full-time job and feel like I had squandered all my free time. So I made a list of things I wanted to do more of – bake bread, crafting, and reading. I even marked on my calendar that year each time I baked, finished a crafting project, or finished a book. Feeling productive really helped at a time when it was easy to sink into negative feelings about myself and my life situation.

  34. EA*

    Had a seriously bad experience at a new PCP and wanted opinions.

    I got a new job, new insurance, and needed new doctors. I usually go to a psychiatrist once a year for a small script for Ativan ( I have anxiety and she gives me like 60 pills a year) I couldn’t go to her anymore, and she recommended I start with a new PCP and either ask the pcp for a script and/or ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. She said I need so few Ativan a PCP night just give it to me.

    So I googled and found a new primary care practice on my insurance. The new doctor was older (I am use to seeing a NP so is usually you get and nice), and made little effort with small talk. She just logged into the computer and started firing off questions. She was very shame-ish during the questions and asked them with attitude (do you smoke, did you ever? Do you go to the dentist? Only once a year? You need to go every 6 months) keep in mind I don’t drink, smoke, and am generally healthy. I am also at a healthy weight. I just didn’t appreciate the attitude.

    I asked about the Ativan , either for her to film or a referral. She went on a bizarre rant about how she would only give me half of what I am use to (so 30 pills a year) because someone could steal them from my medicine cabinet and they are a controlled substance. I thought this was bizarre and just figured she didn’t want to give them to me, which is fine but why not just refer me to a psych?

    Then she did the exam the breast exam and I was nervous because I didn’t like this woman, have anxiety, and generally don’t like the doctor. After that was done she told me she wants me to have a thyroid test because I have anxiety and my heart rate is high. I tried to ask what this test was for, and she told me sometimes anxiety is really a thyroid problem. I asked if it could be treated and she seemed annoyed, said it was just a blood test, and that we would have to see what the test said. I said I would think about it and she seemed further annoyed.

    My heart rate is generally normal, I was just nervous. I also googled and I have no other thyroid symptoms. Is this woman a wacko? Should I consider the thyroid thing? I don’t want to go back, other doctors have made me feel comfortable and she did not. The issue is the new insurance isn’t that great, so I don’t know what to do. The network is limited. Is this a normal doctor experience? I am use to an NP who is super nice and try and build a relationship, not this old school shaming.

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      nope, not a good doctor for you. Find a different one. good luck, finding doctors is a pain!

    2. fposte*

      I’m with Teapot in that this seems to be about what’s a good doctor for you. A lot of what the doctor is asking about your general health and behavior seems to be reasonable and appropriate to me, and the thyroid test is a really common thing for somebody before prescribing psych/anti-anxiety meds (I’m also surprised that your psych was so sanguine about a PCP handing over Ativan to a brand-new patient). So I don’t think she’s a wacko. But it also sounds like she’s not great at the bedside manner, and if you and she don’t share a wavelength, that makes it really hard to trust a practitioner and get benefit from her, so I’d keep looking.

      1. Thlayli*

        I agree. I think you should look into getting a new doc based purely on the bedside manner, but I also think there’s no harm in at least getting the blood test for the thyroid problem.

        1. Another Academic Librarian*

          I also want to add that in my experience it is VERY common to have blood tests like this as part of the “getting to know you” process with a new doctor. I got a new primary doctor last fall; at my first appointment, she and I reviewed the recent blood tests I had gotten at a specialist’s office, and then she ordered a couple of supplemental tests that she noticed I hadn’t had done in a while. I believe thyroid function was one of them.

      2. Kuododi*

        I have actually referred my clients to PCPs for help getting scripts for antidepressants….the “lighter” meds for lack of a better adjective at the moment. It is typically easier to get a quick appointment for PCP or NP than a psychiatrist…. which is helpful when dealing with clients where I am concerned that they are in need of medication fairly quickly based on my evaluation. The PCPS and NP I have delt with would not typically whip out a script for the heavy duty meds (ie benzodiazepine, antipsychotics) unless they knew the client was going to be followed regularly by myself or another clinicians. This applies even more so with child and adolescent clients.

    3. WellRed*

      I think you are overreacting to basic health questions. However, the rant about ativan is bizarre. Regardless of anything, however, you don’t like her. She’s not right for you.

      1. Emac*

        I don’t think she’s reacting to the questions, but to the attitude and/or tone of asking the questions. I’ve been to a lot of doctors in the last few years and there are definitely ones that are judgmental and shaming.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      1. A lot of places will only give you a months supply of a controlled substance like Ativan which would be for you 60/12 = 5 pills. Diversion is a big problem and as it was your first visit giving you a 6 month supply is pretty generous.

      2. Screening tests for thyroid issues are pretty normal as it’s just a blood test for a hormone level. The US preventative services task force is equivocal about it but the endocrinology society recommends once every 5 years after age 35. It’s not wrong to do or harmful.

      3. Sounds like the new doc doesn’t have the best personality but the questions about dental care and smoking are pretty normal. Also, studies have shown people who like their doctors don’t live as long. Your care seems fine based on what you’ve said although less “nice” than you are used to. Not sure that’s the most important thing.

      1. Thlayli*

        Wow that’s interesting! I googled it and I can’t find that study about people not living as long if they like their doc. Do you have a link?

      2. Savannnah*

        Drs. don’t need to be judgmental. We should expect more from them even if the norms are poor bedside manner.

      3. Natalie*

        This is good information about the medical care aspects of it, but I think it’s worth noting that these are things the doctor could and should have explained to their patient.

        As far as liking one’s doctor, it’s not like its a binary. A doctor can be Not Nice in a way that’s especially harmful for one specific patient’s care (like triggering someone’s anxiety so much they avoid interacting with the doctor) or they can be Not Nice in a way that’s sort of annoying but ultimately not that harmful.

        1. fposte*

          I have one gyno specialist who is just a beautiful machine; she’s sort of a cross between Katharine Hepburn in Desk Set and Elizabeth I. It is truly amazing what I learn from her every time, and this is insight that’s extremely valuable about various aspects of my health; I have a genuinely good time getting new information from her and asking for more. But as far as I can tell she doesn’t really do empathy, and her reviews are all over the map as a result (it probably doesn’t help that she’s got a soft blonde look, so she’s confounding a lot of expectations). She’s my go-to example for the variability of doctor fit.

          1. TL -*

            My favorite doctor is an ob-gyn who is fantastically informative, answers and invites questions, and is warm but fairly brusque – she smiles and says hi, how are you, but clearly does not want to spend a lot of time on small talk. But she could pack a lot in 15 minutes and was an amazing doctor; I swear if I ever have children I will move back to her city just so she can deliver them.

            I had one appointment with a PCP who talked to me for about an hour, asked all kinds of questions, was super warm and friendly, and very concerned for my comfort, but didn’t actually listen to me at all, except to explain what my lifestyle was like because of my age and tell me I was deficient in certain vitamins and calcium (with no symptoms or blood tests and I consume more dairy than is probably healthy.)

        2. Kj*

          I agree about docs being “not nice” in different ways. I just had a minor surgery with a ENT whose bedside manner left a lot to be desired. He was abrupt, he made weird jokes, he didn’t know how to look me in the eye when talking to me. That said, he was an excellent ENT, my surgery went well and I’d go back to him.

          I also think we see different docs for different reasons- I expect to like and trust my PCP and my gynecologist because they are docs that need to know lots of sensitive information. If either treated me like the ENT, I’d have left working with them. But for docs I’m seeing for speciality care, for brief periods of time, I care less.

          1. Natalie*

            Indeed. My husband had back surgery recently and his surgeon was a bit of an ass, frankly. But we had shopped around prior and this surgeon had the best, most relevant experience, and actually had better bedside manner than some other doctors we had spoken with. I would never want him as a PCP though!

            1. fposte*

              My last spine surgeon was definitely at least ass-adjacent, but the facility sensibly used PAs with relevant skills for most of the actual patient contact.

              1. Paquita*

                My gynecologic oncology surgeon was like this. Highly recommended, no bedside manner. When I had the follow-up appointment at the office to have the staples removed he was awful. His exact words to me: Your biopsy results came back. They were good. You had cancer. What?! I just never scheduled another visit, had my PCP check the incision after that.

                1. Natalie*

                  With apologies to any surgeons reading, I’m fairly sure most of them are like this. The fact that their patients are unconscious 90% of the time probably has something to do with it.

        3. Valancy Snaith*

          And doctors can have different strengths and weaknesses on top of that. I don’t like my reproductive endocrinologist all that much, because in the office I find him dismissive and not forthcoming, but I had surgery with him on Friday and he was so pleasant in prep in the OR that I wondered if it was the drugs or he just really, really liked surgery. Like a completely different person. So it’s what’s more relevant–sometimes it’s rapport, sometimes it’s results, sometimes it’s both.

    5. Kuododi*

      Technically the PCP is correct that elevated heart rate/anxiety “can” be connected to thyroid imbalance. (I’ve been living with no thyroid gland since’97…all my hormones come from a perscription bottle.). In my experience…MDs don’t typically jump to that conclusion based on one or two symptoms alone. The test is just a blood test…(not even fasting)…so it’s NBD to get screened for peace of mind unless there are mitigating insurance issues. If you are truly concerned…check with your insurance company and ask for a referral for an endocrinologist after the thyroid panel has been run. They are the MDs who specializes in thyroid issues, diabetes care etc. They would be able to spot nuances in a lab panel an internist, GP etc simply wouldn’t have the experience to catch. Best wishes!!!

    6. periwinkle*

      The doctor might not be a whacko, but she definitely sounds like a bad personality fit for you. Keep looking, you have the responsibility to yourself to find a care provider with whom you feel comfortable.

      NPs can be awesome. My spouse and I have both gone with NPs as our PCPs for the last decade!

    7. Stormy*

      Well, of course your heart rate would be high when dealing with a hostile stranger in a closed room. This woman sounds terrible. Go elsewhere.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I will be different. There is no way on earth I would deal with this person. She sounds devoid of personality, compassion and a few other things.

      That said. I find that many docs around here are like that. You try making small talk, “How were your holidays/vacation/whatever?” And you hear, “That is none of your business.” Sorry, I mistook you for a fellow human being. Sigh.
      But then again, I have had an ER doc call me an fn AH because I was crying. So my luck runs pretty thin.

      If you have a list of docs that you are working off of, read some reviews online and talk to people around you to find out who is good and who is even better.
      I would try again with a different doc. My husband changed PCs. The second PC was some what like you described but she did listen to him. If he requested a certain test, she would disagree with him BUT order the test anyway. I can respect that. He stayed with her. In this instance it was her actions that impressed the both of us.

    9. Jill*

      I’m an NP and here’s my take for what it’s worth. In fairness to the doc, when you only have 15 minutes to see a patient, you don’t have time for small talk. Especially when it’s a new patient and you need to get a full history. I think the thyroid test recommendation is totally reasonable given what you told her and what she saw. And giving 30 ativan to a new patient is more than many providers would do. A lot won’t give any narocotics at all on the first visit.

      Having said that, you weren’t comfortable with her and didn’t like her, so you should look for another one. You need to have a good relationship with your pcp, and it clearly doesn’t look like that will happen. Although it is possible she was just having a bad day.

    10. LilySparrow*

      A responsible doctor should do baseline blood work on all new patients, especially if they are presenting with any pre-existing conditions like your anxiety. It’s also responsible to check up on any abnormal things they observe, like an unusually elevated heart rate. If she shrugged it off, she’d be doing a bad job.
      Some people prefer a brisk, matter-of-fact interaction with their doctor. You don’t.
      So you should keep looking. Because it’s not about her doing it wrong. It’s about her being the wrong fit for you, and that really does matter. Feeling heard and well-treated has a measurable impact on outcomes.
      (But it’s a good idea to have that thyroid test or ask the next doc about having one. 1 in 4 women do have thyroid issues, they can develop seemingly out of the blue, and many of the symptoms are easy to miss.)

    11. Book Lover*

      Those are really standard questions, though it sounds like you didn’t like the way she asked them, and I wouldn’t usually be typing on a computer as I talk to the patient (but a lot of doctors have very little time and this might be time saving for her, still not great for you). You just may not be a good fit, definitely find someone else if you don’t expect that relationship to get better.

      It is super reasonable to get some labs, including thyroid, though you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

      I’ll be honest, though, I wouldn’t give a new patient a script for Ativan – I would have a discussion about it and explain that there are alternatives that we could discuss but that if you feel that is the best choice for you, I would be happy to refer you to a psychiatrist. If I had known someone a long time and there was a new diagnosis, major stress, etc, I would definitely consider a small short term script (like ten pills without refills), but not for a new patient.

    12. Hobgoblin*

      I’m a huge fan of word of mouth referrals for a new doctor/dentist/whoever. I would just ask some coworkers who they recommend- I recommended my wonderful ob/gyn to a coworker I sort of know and say hi to. She mentioned she had just switched our insurance and needed a new provider. It didn’t seem strange at all to talk about that with a female coworker but you know your office better than I do. I also periodically see Facebook requests- hey, I just moved to XYZ city and have this insurance, who do you recommend? It’s so important to have a provider you can feel comfortable bringing up uncomfortable topics with!

    13. Observer*

      Consider the thyroid thing – she’s right about that.

      On the other hand, I would find another doctor. I’m utterly unimpressed with her attitude and lack of communications.

  36. Lady Jay*

    It’s 11.30 AM and so far I’ve done a little revision for an essay, gone to yoga class, picked up honey at the farmer’s market, and now I’m settling down to grade. Later this afternoon I have some cleaning to do, and I’ll head back out for a stop at the library and the local bookstore. I may have a road race (5K) tomorrow.

    What are your weekend plans and accomplishments?

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I took my dog to daycare this morning, which gave me the opportunity to thoroughly vacuum and steam mop our floors. Did that already. Cleaned the brush roll of my vacuum cleaner, which I really ought to do much more often now that my hair is long– I don’t even know how that thing picked up any dirt in the last six months. I washed towels and throw blankets. Later on, we’ll meet up with some friends for a beer, then we’ll pick up our buddy and hope he was a good boy today.

      I also set up the beginnings of a sourdough loaf. Bread-baking on the weekend has become a regular thing for me now, I just wish I had a good place to store extra bags of flour. The initial portion will rest in the fridge overnight, then the “fun” starts tomorrow. We also might see Phantom Thread tomorrow. But that’s about it, and you know what? That’s pretty good for me.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I have to shovel myself out because we got something like 20cm of snow here yesterday. Maybe clean my house (that’s a big maybe) and read a book. Catch up on the tv I missed. I’m so fun ;)

      Also, make a loaf of bread. Sundried tomato, I think!

    4. nep*

      Bit of cleaning this morning. Some reading. Practiced on the guitar for a bit. Worked out.
      Prepping myself mentally for an outing this evening. I rarely, rarely go out in the evening — in fact, really only for this one person who is hosting an event. He does meaningful, wonderful things and he’s pretty much the only reason I would step outside the house in the evening — much less drive alone at night. While I’m dreading the nighttime driving, I’m looking forward to the gathering. I’m always SO relieved when I walk back in the house after being out. (Ref homebody thread above.)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Look at you! I think this is the second time you have done this recently. (maybe more and you did not mention). Go you!
        Do you leave a light on for when you come home? I love having a light on.
        My vision dulls with fatigue so night time driving was NO fun. I got after market fog lights put on my car. What a difference. Maybe you can find something supportive like that to help yourself along.

        By the time you read this, you will probably be back. I hope you had a good evening.

        1. nep*

          Oh, thank you, Not So NewReader. Just back. How lovely to have this response from you.
          It was such a gift, this event. Once again here I am — so happy I climbed out of the comfort zone.
          Thanks for the encouragement, and the tips.

    5. Gala apple*

      I started feeling sick soon after work yesterday and was convinced I had the flu (steadily rising fever, achy, flushed, stomachache). I’ve felt a ton better today so now I’m not sure what’s up… mainly taking it easy and hoping it wasn’t the flu.

    6. Elizabeth H.*

      So far today I woke up at 11:15, stayed in bed for 45 minutes, brushed my teeth, took a shower, put the kettle on, saw boyfriend out the door back to his house and started a cup of coffee. I feel very unaccomplished compared to some of you!! :D

      I do have big plans for the rest of the day which are to do a ton of cleaning. May go to yoga tonight depending on how I feel – lots of neck and back pain lately which sucks – I usually go multiple times a week but I skipped Thursday because I was really sore and I just heard a ton during yoga last night. Sunday I am definitely going to yoga, though, in the early a.m. then having brunch with a friend I haven’t seen in a while. Then probably errands, library, reading, maybe another yoga class.

    7. WellRed*

      I plan to vacuum pine needles out of my car and pay library fines. Already did groceries, drycleaning, gas. Oh, I even showered!

      1. JaneB*

        I went back to bed after breakfast (this was my first week back at the W-word after having that flu-y cold that’s around, and I’ve been struggling all week to talk, coughing every tine I go in or out of the building, all that) and got up again at 5pm! Tomorrow I’ll do stuff… probably…

  37. Middle School Teacher*

    I went to a dinner theatre last night called Back to the 80s, featuring all 80s music. It was so fun! I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed it. (And how much I ate… buffets are the worst lol)

  38. Patsy Stone*

    Does anyone have any ideas on general air quality/pollution in Athens, Greece, specifically in early-mid November? My parents’ 50th anniversary is in the fall, and we’re doing a multi-country trip, ending in Athens. We’re looking at adding on a few extra days there, but a family member has environmental respiratory issues, and poor air quality can set it off (not life-threatening, but definitely more than just annoying). I know air quality was a big concern a number of years ago, but not sure what it’s like these days. I’ve tried doing some research online but not finding a lot of recent data…any info would be greatly appreciated!

    2. Bagpuss*

      I can’t comment specifically on Athens, but I would expect it to be better in November than in the summer, as there is likely to be more wind and rain, which tend to help.

      Also, on a practical level, you could plan on staying outside Athens, perhaps Pireus or elsewhere on the coast, where there is likely to be more breeze so less build up in the air.

      I know for me personally (asthmatic) poor air quality + heat is particularly trying, and I did struggle a bit in Athens, but I was there in early September so one of the hottest, driest times of the year. I suspect the November would be better.

  39. nep*

    You’re driving alone. It’s around 10:45pm. You’re on a 45-mph road — not a freeway. You get a flat tire. You pull over. Do you: a) get out and change the tire, b) call your insurance company/roadside assistance, c) call a family member or friend, d) call police, e) other?
    (Not that I’m being paranoid about driving alone tonight or anything…)

    1. fposte*

      That’s why I’ve got AAA. AAA generally tells you how long the wait will be. If the wait length is dicey or the weather is cold, I’d move to a subplan. If I can walk to someplace open or get an Uber someplace nearish quickly, I might ask if the tow can meet me there. I’d phone the cops’ non-emergency number to tell them I was doing that so my car wouldn’t be marked as abandoned.

    2. anon24*

      It all depends. How close is my family? Does the road have a shoulder? Am I near a curve?

      Personally I would try to change it myself if I feel like I’m in a spot where I’m visible to motorists and won’t get plowed into (I also keep road flares in my car for this reason). I’m perfectly capable of changing a tire, can do so in under 5 minutes, and hate the thought of waiting for someone to come do it for me. If I was in a spot where I felt I was likely to get hit, I would see if a police officer was close by to come block traffic, or try to very slowly limp my flat to a safe place (but only if it was close enough that I could see it, wheels can be expensive if they get damaged).

    4. Lily Evans*

      Assuming that I knew how to change a tire, I’d do it myself but I’d also update someone (friend/family member) with my whereabouts/what’s going on and let them know that I’d contact them again when everything was all set. Since I don’t know how to change a tire but always had AAA when I was driving, I’d call them for assistance. I’d also still let someone know, though, because it’s always better to be safe and I’ve binge watched too many true crime shows.

    5. Elizabeth H.*

      I have AAA too and HIGHLY recommend it. As long as I were in a location where I felt like cars wouldn’t hit me – I have a major fear about situations where someone’s car is disabled and they get hit by somebody while standing next to it – and I knew how to change a tire and had a spare I don’t see any reason I wouldn’t change it myself. I don’t think it would occur to me to be nervous about driving by myself, honestly. I’m a young woman and have driven long distances by myself multiple times, in the middle of the night. It’s never seemed inherently dangerous. I actually don’t know how to change a tire though, so I would probably call AAA and get out of the car and stand well away from the roadway if it were safe temperatures to wait outside.

      1. Kuododi*

        I know how to change a tire. Depending on how stable the ground is and how sketchy the area is or is not is how I’d evaluate my decision to either change the tire myself or call for help. I have no brothers in my family… just me and my sister. Dad was determined we weren’t going to grow up depending on someone else to take care of our vehicles. As soon as we were old enough to safely be out in the garage, he had us changing tires…jump starting cars….changing oil etc. I’m not able to do heavy duty maintenance…but I can take care of emergency issues with my car. It also helps because I can take my car in for service and talk sensibly with the workers and not feel as though I need my husband or my dad to get fair treatment.
        .

        1. nep*

          It’s great that your dad did this.
          I grew up around adults who are/were experts at the insides of a car — I wish I’d taken in more. I can do a few basic things, but I’m still determined to learn more. It’s empowering and just plain smart.

          1. Kuododi*

            Dad had the same attitude about advanced education. He would always say: ” Be what ever you want to be in life…but do it with the best education and job skills training possible because you will never be able to trust that someone will always be on hand to pay your bills, rescue you, fix whatever’s broken etc.” Don’t get me wrong…he’s very happy and proud of DH and brother in law….just pragmatic enough to realize life will come along with surprises when least expected.

    6. Rogue*

      I’d pull over, call my SO and send him my location, get out and change my tire, and call him once I finished and let him know. If it were a really sketchy area, I’d probably keep him on the phone while changing the tire. I travel long distances often and frequently by myself or with my two dogs.

    7. nep*

      Thanks for the responses. Indeed, there are a lot of variables that would affect one’s approach.
      I’ve changed a tire in the driveway in daylight, but I wouldn’t feel confident to do it quickly enough at night at the side of a busy road. Being a wuss but hey…
      The insurance co/roadside assistance is like AAA; they’ll come and tow or change a tire or what have you — so that’s what I meant by that.

    8. Thlayli*

      I would call roadside assist and then start trying to change the tyre myself. If I got it finished before they arrived I would call them back to cancel.

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have USAA, which comes with very good roadside assistance. I would call them and then call my boyfriend. If I were close enough to home, I might ask him to take an Uber and wait with me (we only have one car), but I would probably just wait it out.

      When I took driver’s ed many moons ago, the instructor told us not to try to change our own tires. He’d seen too many bad change jobs and injuries, including cars falling on people. That put the fear of G-d in us all, I suppose.

    10. kas*

      I’ve never changed a tire but even if I knew how, I wouldn’t get out of my car at night to change it.

      I’d go with option B and C. Call roadside assistance and both of my parents. One of them would stay on the phone with me until the tire was changed and I was back on the road.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I’d be screwed because I have nobody to call and I don’t have AAA either. Last time I had a flat, I had to call a tow truck because I couldn’t get the damn lug nuts off. Lucky the towing company I’ve always used when I had a shitty car has a tire-changing service.

      1. Thlayli*

        Whenever I got new tyres before I had roadside assist, I used to ask them to let me tighten the bolts the last bit, because I am physically unable to loosen a bolt that has been tightened by a big strong man. I used to put on the tyre iron and bounce on it to tighten/loosen (at that time I weighed less than 8 stone).

        If they are tightened by a machine, even big strong men can’t open them by hand.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      A 45 mph road around here means a dark, twisty, turny road.
      If cells work, I would call a friend first. If he did not answer then I would call roadside assistance.

      The running advice around here is to stay with your car. This way when people find your car they have found you. But we had an elderly couple die on the median of a major highway because no one saw them. (VERY wide median with lots of woods.)

      So yeah, very different answers depending on the setting. I think the answer is pay attention to your gut. If your gut says get out, go look for help in a commanding manner then go look for help.

      When I have to go a long distance, I will set an agreed time with a friend. If I do not call at that agreed time the friend knows I am having difficulty. Oddly, I think setting up these agreements SEEMS to prevent problems from occurring. ha!
      Got a can of fix a flat in your car?

    13. Red*

      I’d call roadside assistance first and see how long the wait would be. If it’s absurd, I’ll just change the tire myself, but probably text a friend just to let them know where I am in case anything happens.

    14. Temperance*

      I’m fortunate that my car insurance comes with Roadside Assistance. I’d call them before trying myself.

      Booth and I are in a one-car family, so I’d have to depend on professionals.

    15. LilySparrow*

      I know where my spare is and how to use the tools, so I’d try to change it myself if it was safe to do so and I could manage it (I can do more on some days than others).
      If not, I’d call AAA. I’d report back home on the delay, but I wouldn’t expect my family to come “rescue” me.
      I see it as a pain in the ass, not an inherently dangerous situation.

    17. Lindsay J*

      It really depends for me.

      How much of a shoulder is there?

      Busy road with cars constantly going back and forth? Or road with only one car every once in awhile or not for hours?

      What’s alongside the road? Neighborhood? Open field? Forest?

      What’s the temperature/weather like?

      If it was a busy-ish road, or a slow road where I could see if there were people/animals approaching nearby, and the weather was nice, I would get out and change the tire.

      If it was a slow road next to woods or similar, or nasty weather, or there wasn’t much of a shoulder, I would call roadside assistance.

      I pretty much would not leave the general vicinity of my car for any reason (unless there was a store or something like that was open and safe looking and well lit within a couple hundred feet, or if I locked myself out of the car or my car was not safe to/able to be entered for some reason). Being in the car is pretty safe, and much safer in almost all situations that being outside of it.

  40. Natalie*

    Apparently Super Bowl nonsense starts OVER A WEEK before the game, based on how many people have invaded our downtown as of yesterday. (I live in Minneapolis if that wasn’t obvious.) We work Saturdays during annual close and my parking today was six times the normal weekend rate. Thankfully I can expense it but dear god. Also drunk idiocy everywhere.

    If this ever happens again I am leaving town for two weeks.

    1. CAA*

      Yep, I’m with you. After living through the first superbowl that was held here, I deliberately scheduled a business trip to cover the week before the second superbowl and then I took a vacation day so I didn’t have to come home until Monday.

      1. Natalie*

        Ugh, you’re so lucky. I’m brand new at my job plus busy season, so it wasn’t possible for me to leave. If this happens again I will seriously contemplate quitting if I can’t get the time off. (Kidding but only sort of.)

    2. AnonEMoose*

      My boss is nice and approved me working from home starting yesterday through the day after the game. Since I normally use transit to get to work, and do not want to deal with drunken idiocy, I am deeply relieved to have gotten his approval, and incredibly grateful that my job can be done from home.

    3. Temperance*

      I’m so, so sorry. That sounds awful.

      For what it’s worth, I live outside Philadelphia, and this whole “underdog” nonsense has made me perpetually grumpy … but at least we aren’t being invaded. :(

    4. Former Employee*

      I forgot it’s next Sunday. I always look forward to it, no matter who is playing because of the commercials, of course. I know nothing about football, have never been able to understand the game and can’t figure out why a game lasts so long.

      As I recall, the commercials weren’t all that great last year. Hoping for a better group this time.

      1. Jill*

        Most of the commercials are on youtube days before the game, and the rest are available after. If you only want to see the commercials, there’s no need to watch the game.

    5. The Curator*

      I am so with you. I have an event at my library on Friday. People are freaking out about parking. I have a sudden thing I have to do on Monday morning because who knows if a person can drive down town. I am just blocks from the stadium.

    6. miyeritari*

      When the Super Bowl was in SF (where I live), I went to Disneyland for four days. Very good idea, would recommend.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        We seriously thought about leaving town, but we have something else coming up in a few weeks, and decided that time off and money would make it too difficult to do both. So we’re doing the “hunker down at home and avoid downtown At. All. Costs strategy.”

    7. SaraV*

      I have family/friends/acquaintances up in the Twin Cities. I feel badly for you having to deal with the invasion of fans and media. When I was up there over the new year, I was reading about the restrictions that were going to happen with public transit. Just that part would make it a headache for anyone.

      Yet another downside of the Vikings losing last week…only around half the number of people would invade.

      I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you the next week.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        With the transit disruptions, I have to wonder how they expect the people who work at all those bars, restaurants, hotels, and so on to actually get to work.

        I’m actually relieved that that Vikings aren’t in the game. I was worried about what could happen with either celebrating fans or ones pissed off because they lost.

  41. catsaway*

    Has anyone here eloped and not told anyone (besides witnesses) and had a real celebration at some unspecified time in the future? I’m finishing up my PhD and will be moving soon afterwords for a post-doc. SO is planning on moving with me which we’ve already discussed would mean we’re engaged. Exact timing of getting married will be determined by the most American of things – access to health insurance. (I have it through my school, he’s on state health insurance and is a freelancer and my new university doesn’t appear to offer coverage to domestic partners).
    So, it looks like that we’ll probably get married right before moving, which would be very soon after I defend my dissertation. For obvious reasons, I’m not planning a wedding during that time. In addition I’m someone who does not want a huge wedding celebration (my SO is more into the idea of a celebration than I am) and, maybe this is selfish of me, but I don’t want to make a big announcement about it because I don’t want to overshadow my dissertation defense.
    I guess my questions are (1) Has anyone here eloped and told families later? How did that go? and (2) Has anyone eloped and just not told anyone until a ‘real’ celebration sometime later?

    1. Jules the First*

      Friends of mine compromised on eloping – they invited their closest friends and family to dinner and announced they were getting married tonight when everyone arrived. Maybe something like that would be a reasonable compromise between you wanting something low key and your partner wanting a party?

      1. catsaway*

        Well, I don’t necessary mind a party (I’m just not going to shoulder the burden on planning, but those are gendered expectations I can leave for another day), the issue is that we’ll probably have to get married before we move and where we live now is a 20 – 32 hour drive/minimum of 2 flights from where all of our parents/siblings etc live so we can’t do a dinner like that. Our new state would be more in the 7 – 10 hour drive from parents/siblings range so much closer but still couldn’t do a surprise dinner.
        My question is more how have people handled announcing elopements or did they just not announce it and have a celebration some x months later?

    2. Anon for this (because I’m paranoid)*

      Congratulations on the thesis and getting married! My husband and I eloped but we told our parents before, just in case anyone had a problem with it. My parents were happy they didnt have to a pay for anything but they were a little disappointed. My in laws were all “good for you, have fun!” We knew that 3 of the 4 parents wouldn’t care so that made it pretty easy. Our decision was based on lack of money, logistics (no place convenient for both families), and my husband’s anxiety at being the center of attention/planning anything. We didn’t really care about a wedding anyway so it wasn’t a difficult call.

    3. Overeducated*

      I have multiple friends who’ve eloped or gotten married on less than a week’s notice for health insurance reasons (all during grad school!) but I don’t think any of them actually kept it a secret from their families and friends, they just said “we’re getting married this weekend, see you when we get back!” The couple who got married on super short notice had a big, informal reception party on the other coast where they both were from a few months later, but they didn’t redo the ceremony or wear a dress and tux or anything, which sounds like it might be what you want to do. They were thrilled. The ones who intentionally eloped did not do further celebration because that was what they were avoiding in the first place.

      To me it sounds like there is some confusion around not wanting to plan a wedding around the defense and move vs. not wanting to plan any kind of wedding at all. If you don’t want to plan it THEN, get legally married for the insurance and treat that as your “paperwork wedding,” and get married or have a reception/anniversary party in front of friends and family 6 months or a year later. If you don’t want to plan it EVER, elope whenever you feel like it, but keeping it secret could add a layer of weirdness and you’d have to think about when and why you want to reveal. You could just tell people exactly what you said here, that you did it for insurance and want to celebrate later, but now youre focusing on celebrating the PhD. Congrats!

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks for the advice. The if/when/what of the celebration is what’s getting me I think. My SO wants a celebration but realistically that wouldn’t be able to happen until 9 – 12 months after we move due to a combination of planning logistics, money and weather.
        We definitely don’t want to keep things a secret I just want to be able to celebrate the PhD without people asking marriage questions.

    4. Anono-me*

      I don’t have any information to share about question 1.
      For question 2. If you mean getting married privately soonish; Then a year later, sending out a wedding announcement/celebration invitation. That sounds great. If you mean getting married privately soonish then in a year sending out wedding invitations , but when people show up for the wedding, saying “Surprise, we got married last year. Let’s celebrate. ” No please don’t do this.

      People have lots of strong feelings about weddings. Let the people who have those feelings about when and how to celebrate choose to stay home if they don’t like your choices.

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks. Don’t worry, we weren’t thinking about the surprise marriage announcement, I’ve read enough wedding stories to know that’s a Bad Idea, haha. Everything just feels complicated because he’s basically on our states version of Medicad so I’m getting married before we’re ready to leave would mess that up but then once we leave we’ll need to be married for him to access health insurance.

    5. Erika22*

      I don’t know if it really counts as eloping, but my husband and I got married at city hall a few months before our actual wedding for legal reasons. Only our witnesses knew about it beforehand, and I think even now very few people know the legal date of our marriage. However, we knew from the beginning that we’d get legally married before our wedding, and we were mostly finished planning the wedding by the time the legal marriage happened. By the time the wedding rolled around, our families and friends vaguely knew we’d already been legally married, but the wedding and that date is the one we give significance. I think ultimately seeing the more traditional wedding things (vows, ring exchange, etc) was what satisfied folks who wanted that satisfaction (our moms haha) – I also think not telling them to date of our legal marriage helped a lot.

      Essentially, do what needs to happen to ensure you are both insured (hah), and even a small ceremony/dinner combo once life has calmed down is more than enough of a public celebration. If I had a big professional life event happening, I’d definitely want recognition and celebration for that separately from a marriage, so don’t feel guilty or selfish on that front. And good luck with your dissertation!

      1. catsaway*

        Something like that sounds ideal to me. Thanks for the reassurance about wanting to separate big professional and personal life events. I guess I’m also preemptively worrying that any mention of a wedding would overshadow the PhD, especially since I’m a woman so the wedding is supposed to be all my idea/wish (HA!), when in reality any celebration big enough for people to travel to a different state would only happen because that’s what my SO wants.

    6. Language Student*

      My Dad and (now) stepmum got married without telling anyone. They planned it for a few months and got married while abroad. It was totally cool with me (especially since I had witnessed the mess that was my aunt and uncle’s wedding a few years earlier – there was lots of interference from some members of the family that ended up totally changing what my aunt and uncle actually wanted). The rest of the family took it pretty well (though I think it would’ve gone better if everyone had been told individually). The main thing is that they’re both happy, really – that’s the whole point in a wedding, anyway, it’s about them, not anyone else. Go with what makes sense for you, and what you want to do! It’s your wedding, and your marriage and dissertation, after all.

    7. AliceBD*

      I have not but a friend did! She and her husband got married so she could be on his health insurance. They told zero family but some trusted friends were told. They had no pictures, no announcement, no anything. A little over a year later they had the real wedding, and she didn’t start calling him her husband until after the real wedding (with a wedding party, guests, reception, etc. — all the normal things). The wedding was last fall and as far as I know their families still don’t know about the elopement; as far as most of the world is concerned their wedding day was the official wedding. I don’t think they have any plans to ever tell them. They were living together before the elopement, so nothing changed about that. And their families aren’t as involved in their lives as my family would be, so they didn’t know about the health insurance thing.

    8. EvilQueenRegina*

      I have a friend who planned hers in secret, immediate family (parents and siblings) were told a few days before and everyone else got told via announcement on Facebook the next day. Most people took it well but one cousin reacted badly and two years on still hasn’t entirely forgiven her.

      Although I’m not yet close to being engaged, the idea of eloping appeals to me. It would mean no awkwardness around the fact that I have no relationship with Dad’s wife and wouldn’t really want to invite her, no stupid speech from my daft uncle proposing a toast to me and the guy I split up with in 2002 because he’d think that was funny, no aunt getting so drunk she’s passed out by 8.30pm.

    9. Temperance*

      Yes. Booth and I did a Quaker marriage certificate, and only our witnesses and the benefits people at his last job know. I needed access to health insurance, but I didn’t want to not have an actual wedding. So we didn’t tell anyone. Some people online have called me a liar, and said that I owed it to others to tell them that they weren’t witnessing my “real” wedding, but we don’t consider the paperwork date our wedding date, or our real wedding. It sucks that American medical care is what it is that we were in that position, and that you are in that position.

      Here’s my warning: people can get really, really judgmental and mean about your later ceremony not being a “real” wedding. One of my cousins legally married her (military) husband and it was published in the newspaper, and our extended family was so judgy about it that she never had the actual ceremony and party.

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks for sharing your story and the warning. Fortunately both our families think that we’re the type of people to elope and not tell anyone until later so maybe we’ll be ok.

        I know about how judgey people can be about wedding stuff, I’m hoping my total lack of extended family will solve that potential problem (i.e. I can count family members I’ve talked to in the last 5 years on my hands, and I’m not estranged from any family members)

    10. Wrench Turner*

      I’m an ordained minister and helped two friends elope for insurance purposes. We had a secret wedding in their neighborhood park with just 5 or 6 immediate family. A year later, after telling nobody, they planned and invited and had a nice wedding that I also officiated. It was super cute. Some people knew about the paperwork wedding before, most didn’t. Another set of friends got paperwork married with nobody around here in the US and then moved to Europe, where I did their actual wedding (in a medieval castle it was AMAZING!) and nobody cared. The paperwork is for the state, the Wedding is for friends and family. Don’t sweat it.
      Congratulations. :D

    11. Agnodike*

      It wasn’t an elopement because we did it in our town, but spouse and I were married before a JP and then had a ceremony and reception later. We did it mostly for convenience, and it was fine – and freed us up to have a non traditional ceremony for our “real” wedding. Our respective mothers were the witnesses, though, so we didn’t hide it from our families, but it wasn’t advertised to our wedding guests.

    12. Lindsay J*

      My cousin eloped and didn’t tell family until after it happened. She just announced it by posting pictures to Facebook a few days later.

      Her mom was upset because she wanted to be a part of the day (and cousin eloped because she didn’t want Mom and associated family drama involved) but she got over it.

      The rest of us were just happy for her, (and I think selfishly kind of happy we didn’t have to figure out the logistics of traveling for a wedding).

      If/when current boyfriend and I get married, we will most likely elope. (Possibly in Vegas). Every wedding I have attended on my side of the family has involved drama, to the point where my mom has already encouraged me to elope if I ever get married. His Mom is very WASPish and will get stuck up on all sorts of bits of formal etiquette that neither he nor I believe in. We’re also both older, don’t particularly like being the center of attention, and don’t want to spend a ton of money on a “real” wedding. I don’t think his family will take it as well as mine will. And I know some of my relatives will probably be pissed (including the mom of my cousin mentioned above). But they all love us, and they will get over it.

  42. Lily Evans*

    My anxiety has been acting up lately and the other night I was unclogging my bathtub with Drano and became convinced that I’d gotten it on my hands somehow. Now, even in the moment I was 99% sure there was no way I could have gotten Drano on my hands without noticing, but my anxiety had pretty much taken over at that point so I spent 20 minutes with my hands under running water, followed up with frantic googling to make sure I wasn’t about to undergo some horrible trauma from the Drano that I definitely didn’t even come into contact with. That googling landed me here, which helped reassure me that possibly coming into contact with a minuscule amount of Drano wasn’t going to kill me. It also made me laugh because it was not where I expected to end up with those searches. I’d read this letter when it was posted, but had completely forgotten about it. This site is such a treasure trove of information.

      1. Babs*

        I should add, a base (such as Drano) will react with the oils in your skin to create a soapy feel. That’s a sign you’ve got some on your hand. Rinse well with water until way after that soapy feeling is gone.

  43. Temporarily Anonymous*

    Weirdly specific question: Does anyone here have osteeoarthritis problems with their foot (particularly big toe) and also do active sports or martial arts?

    I’ve recently started getting symptoms that are affecting my taekwondo practice; it’s not at the point where I need orthotics according to my doc but I am wondering what else people do that works for them to avoid irritating the affected joints. Do you tape? Wear supportive footwear? Etc. Any advice?

    1. Thlayli*

      I don’t have that specific condition, but I have had pretty bad knee problems and do tae kwon do. I saw a Physiotherapist and she taught me how to strap it up. A physiotherapist should be able to show you how to strap it and sell you the supplies, to minimise any damage. Or else advise you to give it up for a while if there’s no way to continue without damaging it worse.

      Or maybe you would just have to sit out certain parts of the class for a while.

      Good luck.

    2. Choupet*

      My advice would also be go and see a Physiotherapist. I was getting sore knees while running and a Personal Trainer at my gym convinced me I needed orthotics and new running shoes. A couple of hundred dollars later and my knee issues got worse.

      I went to see a Physiotherapist who did and initial assessment and told me I had weak gultes that was upsetting my stride and my landing and therefore impacting my knees. I wish I had’ve sought out a Physiotherapist‘s advice sooner.

  44. kc89*

    A curse on people who use speaker phone to make business calls and force me to hear myself on an echo

      1. nep*

        (Only exception — if it’s some kind of phone conference or we’ve already planned that I’d be on speaker because more than one person has to listen in.)

  45. anon ymous*

    Does anyone have any advice for how to handle an unrequited and ubreturned crush? I am crushing so hard on someone I know. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I feel it to my bones and my heart. But she doesn’t share my feelings. She says she is 100% straight and is not sexually or romantically attracted to women at all (which I don’t believe as studies have shown women’s sexuality is more fluid than men). She did not return my interest and said no when I’ve asked her out. I can’t not see or talk to her (that thing we don’t talk about on weekends as well as stuff in social lives/circle). My irrational brain wishes she would give me a chance but she doesn’t feel the same way. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Since she doesn’t return my interest I don’t know what to do. I am definitely the one who initiates the contact. I feel so hard for her and it hurts she doesn’t consider me a friend even and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never dealt with crushing on someone who doesn’t return my feelings (besides celebrities). I am a regular going anon for this and would be interested to hear everyone’s thoughts and advice for me. I’ve always found this community to be kind and thoughtful and not judgemental. Thanks in advance.

    1. Elizabeth H.*

      I think this is a really difficult way to feel and I’m sorry that it’s causing you so much stress. It’s a difficult situation because, as you say yourself, there’s nothing you can do but you feel so strongly that you feel like you have to do something – at least that’s definitely a way that I felt in the past about a crush.

      I don’t know how much useful advice I have, but if your feelings are causing you a lot of distress it might be helpful to see a counselor or therapist even for one or two sessions so that you can have a chance to talk about your feelings. Like you said, if she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings you can’t talk to her about how you feel, and my guess is that keeping your strong feelings to yourself is part of what is so stressful and it would be helpful to have an outlet to talk about it and actually work through all of how you feel. Another suggestion is that I found that usually when I have had this kind of major crush on somebody, a lot of the time part of it was that there was some aspect or aspects of them that I really admired and wanted to have in my life also. It might be helpful to journal or write about what you like about her, why you admire these aspects so much, and maybe think about if part of why you admire and are attracted to her so much is because of these qualities, if there’s something there that you could bring into your life in another way and not necessarily in the context of a romantic relationship.
      I hope these suggestions aren’t overstepping too much – it’s a really difficult situation to be in and I sympathize!

    2. fposte*

      Oh, there’s a nice piece of torture, isn’t it? Sorry you’re going through this.

      Here’s what I’m hearing: you have gotten a clear “no” and you are having a hard time accepting it, to the point of looking stealthily for loopholes (she really, truly, gets to be 100% straight, anon) or sneakage in via the friend zone (“I am definitely the one who initiates the contact”). And for both of your sakes, you have to stop that, totally and immediately. This isn’t just about negotiating being in the same space, it’s about respecting her no and about ceasing to initiate contact on your part.

      And even if it takes stepping back a little from your social circle, I’d avoid seeing her on weekends for a while and do something different. Find a different way to point your gaze–she’s not going to look back at you the way you want, so looking at her all the time is only going to keep torturing you.

      I will also ask what you think this crush is meaning to you–is there something about a lack in your life, or who you might like to be, that’s a yearning encapsulated by this crush? In the sentence “If only I had her, I would be …” what is it that you would be, and can you think of other ways to get there?

      3. Wrench Turner*

        Your last bit, “If only I had her, I would be …” is a really fascinating way of looking at it. Holy crow younger me should have been asked that on every SHE’S THE ONE! … OK BUT THIS TIME REALLY! I’ll have to pocket this for later.

    3. Lily Evans*

      I think it’s time to take a step back from her since it sounds like you’re veering into unhealthy territory here. She told you she’s straight and you need to respect that. It wouldn’t be okay if you were a man and she was a lesbian and you were trying to tell her that women’s sexuality is fluid, would it? It’s never okay to pestersomeone about their sexuality, even straight people. She doesn’t initiate contact with you and has turned you down. You said outright that she doesn’t consider you a friend. It’s time to leave her alone. Since you have to see her, be polite, greetings/goodbyes and maybe light small talk, but don’t go beyond that.

      I know unrequited crushes hurt, but you can’t force someone to change their feelings about you. Talking to a therapist could help you to find better coping mechanisms for moving past your crush.

      1. Simone R*

        Exactly. Also it might help to remember that just because *statistically* women’s sexuality is more fluid, it doesn’t mean that applies to one individual person-she gets to be as defined in her sexuality as she wants to be.

    4. nep*

      Sorry you’re going through this — unrequited crush has a crazy kind of sting.
      Might it help to think beyond the urge to be with her physically, and think of how you like and respect her? In that way, perhaps a bit of consolation could come from — as fposte mentions — respecting her no. You’re respecting and liking her enough to honor her choice.
      It’s a unique crazy kind of hurt. The only thing that’s ever helped for me is time.
      Wishing you all the best. Keep us posted.

    5. Parenthetically*

      “which I don’t believe as studies have shown women’s sexuality is more fluid than men”

      In my most gentle voice: pleeeeeease don’t do this. Please don’t hang your hopes on a study that concludes averages, rather than listening to this person’s actual words stating her desires and preferences. It’s tempting, sure — but you sound like you care for her too much to hand-wave away her own stated orientation on the basis of “studies,” and even if you grant that women on the whole, are more sexually fluid than men on the whole, this specific, individual woman is not “women on the whole.” She is unique, and herself, and deserves to be believed and respected for who she is. Let your feelings for her make space for her to be herself rather than trying to make her who you want her to be.

      In my experience, the way to handle an unrequited crush is to do the painful thing of cutting off contact, and then the hard work of grieving and rebuilding. It’s a loss, to re-imagine your life without someone you care deeply for. Treat it like a loss, and do what you need to do to grieve that loss and move through it, whether that’s wine, Netflix, and sweatpants, or vulnerability with friends who will speak truth to you AND distract you, or some time with a therapist, or all of the above in the combination of your choice.

      Best wishes to you. This is hard stuff — one of the hardest things about being human, IMO.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        “Please don’t hang your hopes on a study that concludes averages, rather than listening to this person’s actual words stating her desires and preferences.”

        THIS.

    6. Wow*

      Such a double standard. If anyone made comments about your sexuality you would be rightfully offended. Your statement is gross and you sound like you need to grow up.

    7. MissingArizona*

      This is the kind of thing that you just mourn. You do not contact them, erase everything about them from social media, and just be sad about. It sucks, it hurts, and it is so frustrating, but you have to 100% take them out of your “line of sight”.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        And even if she was open to the idea of dating women, she’s been clear that she’s not interested. Case closed.

        2. The Expendable Redshirt*

          Yeah. Even if this person is interested in women, she is not interested in you OP. *great sympathy*

          Generally speaking, I turn to macaroni and cheese comfort food at times involving romantic loss. And trying to direct my brain to thinking that this will pass. The pining is uncomfortable. It must be experienced. It will pass.

    9. Libervermis*

      In addition to the other good advice you’ve gotten, you have to find ways to re-direct yourself at work. These will hurt. Your brain will try to convince you that you definitely have to go talk to Crush about [literally any and all work things], because reasons. Ask yourself if you would go talk to/walk by/hang out in the vicinity of Fergus, if Fergus had Crush’s position. Probably not, on the whole. When it is necessary to interact (actually necessary, not wishful brain necessary), imagine how you would interact with Fergus instead and respond that way. Maybe you’ll have to pull back from some things, interact with different coworkers for a while, etc.

      Same with your social life, sounds like you run in similar circles but she doesn’t think of you as a friend. You’re going to have to find some new things to fill your time that don’t include her for a while. That sucks and feels unfair, but no/little contact and distraction are the ways to get yourself through the time it will take for this to fade. I know it doesn’t feel like it will ever fade, and you don’t have to believe me, but you won’t feel the way you feel forever.

      Talking with a therapist is always a good bet if that’s something available to you, even for just a session or two. And be compassionate with yourself – you’re reaching out to figure out how to handle these feelings, which is a brave and difficult thing. Getting a no (and you got an unequivocal one) always hurts, but you can work on dealing with your feelings in a healthy way.

    10. Don't Blame Me*

      I’m a little alarmed that you’re trying to negotiate the level of this woman’s sexual interest in a particular gender. In any case, it doesn’t matter where she falls on the Kinsey scale – she’s made it clear that she is not interested in you and as much as that hurts, it doesn’t give you a pass on continuing to pursue her. If you go against her wishes you will be behaving like a creep. Don’t do that.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, exactly. You heard “I’m straight” = “if I weren’t straight I might be down” = you’ve got a chance if you can get past that hetero thing!

        Sort of like when people hear “I don’t want a relationship right now” = “hang around indefinitely until they moment arrives when I will be ready to leap into your arms” … and it actually is the person trying to let you down gently.

        You need to hear, she is not interested in *you*.

    11. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      No is always no. Regardless of gender or sexuality. It doesn’t matter that you don’t believe she’s 100% straight. She said no. That’s the end of it.

      Working together makes it awkward. But you HAVE to stop pursuing her. Don’t initiate contact anymore unless it’s strictly work related. Otherwise? It becomes harassment.

      As far as social lives, definitely take a step back. Maybe try and find some new friends to supplement your current friend group. It’ll be new people who have no relationship (probably) with this woman. You won’t have to be reminded or think about her. Plus, who can’t use more friends? They might even connect you with someone who is interested.

      Sadly, there is no quick way to recover. It’s just time. And a concerted effort to redirect your attention. It isn’t easy, once your heart is involved it rarely is. But you owe it to yourself to move on. Because then, and only then, will you be in the right place to meet the right person. And it isn’t this one, no matter what your heart is saying.

    12. Thlayli*

      You don’t believe her when she says she isn’t attracted to women? wow.

      Firstly, those studies are talking about women IN GENERAL, not this specific person. It is entirely possible for a woman to be 100% straight.

      Secondly, whether she might ever be attracted to a woman in any circumstance ever is irrelevant because SHE ISNT ATTRACTED TO YOU.

    13. another Sarah*

      I would advise you to seek therapy. I bet if a man told you your sexuality is fluid, chased you and ignored your disinterest, and wouldn’t let it go you would complain to everyone who would listen. Your position is wrong. Stop forcing yourself on this woman. Frankly you sound awful to be around. Get help.

    14. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’ve been in this boat SO many times and man does it suck. But I agree with the above commenters that you can’t force her to return the crush. If you were on the Price is Right and you rolled $1.05 on the Big Wheel and went over, you’d walk off the stage and call it a day, the end. You wouldn’t try to keep spinning the wheel until it landed on a dollar. Unfortunately, the same is the case here. She’s said no, and that’s the end.

      That said, if you’re a creative person, you can turn a crush to your advantage. I’m a writer and I’ve made a number of crushes come to life in my writing. If you can paint, draw, make music, etc. etc. … same thing applies here. And if you’re not a creative person… maybe now’s the time to take a writing class, or a painting class, etc., especially if you’re not inclined to talk to a therapist, as I wasn’t.

      Also, if you’re physically able and don’t do it already, I’d recommend taking up running. Such a wonderful way to clear your head. The woman I thought I was going to marry at one point of my life dumped me and moved 800 miles away. I’ve since run five marathons and 35 half marathons. Of course, this isn’t realistic for everyone and I hope my suggestions aren’t totally off the wall, but it’s just something different.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        One more thing I want to add to this. Try to latch onto one thing about her that is not attractive or appealing, and keep harping on that fact. Some people are just awesome, but no one is absolutely perfect. I once talked myself out of a crush on someone because she was a smoker, and I hate cigarette smoke. I kept imagining kissing her after she just had a smoke and… ick. It sort of worked. It takes a lot of time and self-care to get over a massive crush. Good luck.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Ooh, yes, excellent idea. I’ve deflected crushes this way. It’s not that hard to find something unappealing about nearly anyone you know. :)

          I had a major case of lust for one of the shop workers at OldExjob. He had a girlfriend, but he liked to flirt. Normally that would turn me off but he was so CUTE, which made it harder to disengage. One day at the lunch table with me and all the guys, he was talking about how he and the girlfriend had watched a sad movie and he noticed she was crying. He told us, “I looked at her and said, ‘F*ck’s wrong with you?” And then he laughed.

          That did it.

    15. Stellaaaaa*

      Even if she were more sexually fluid than she claims to be (but ugh, just believe her), there’s no reason to believe that she’d be interested in you anyway. I like men. Doesn’t mean I’d date every single one I came across. Her sexual orientation is certainly part of the equation, but you also need to accept the fact that she simply isn’t interested in you. She doesn’t see you as a platonic friend either, as you say. She is entitled to decide who she wants in her life. As a woman in this world, few things are more threatening than having someone else try to pressure you into sleeping with someone that you don’t want to sleep with.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      God, I feel you. Crushes SUCK. But they’re usually about an idealized version of what this person will be to you, especially when it’s someone who is so out of reach (like a celeb, or a married friend, or a coworker who has no interest). They’re fantasies. That’s not to say your feelings aren’t real–of course they are. But they’re based on something unreal.

      What you said about the sexuality study really bothers me. I have zero attraction to women and I would be really upset if someone thought they got to decide such an integral part of my identity for me. It would make me leery of even being friends with them, since their focus isn’t on getting to know me and accepting me for who I am, but on a thing they’ve built up in their own mind. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you, because you deserve to be with someone who returns those feelings.

      I cannot emphasize this enough–you already have asked her out, and she said no, and to continue would very likely be considered harassment. At work, you’ll have to be as neutral as possible when dealing with her, if you can’t avoid her. You do not want this to jeopardize your employment.

      I know it’s painful. Believe me. But you have to let it go. Treat it like a breakup–give yourself time (at home) each day to mourn what you hoped would be, and then go do something else. It will pass in time. Then your heart will be ready for that person who says “Hell yeah.”

    17. AnonEMoose*

      It’s hard to feel so much for someone who doesn’t reciprocate. Besides the excellent advice you’ve gotten, I’d like to recommend the Paging Dr. Nerdlove blog. He’s got some really good entries on what to do when your crush doesn’t feel the same way.

      One piece of advice he gave that feels really true to me is this. Trying to deny or not feel your feelings attaches greater importance to them and can actually make it more difficult to move on. That does NOT mean that you should express your feelings to your crush – your feelings are yours, she is not responsible for them, and you should not make them her problem at all.

      Instead, when the feelings arise, take a moment and say to yourself “Yes, I’m feeling this, and now I’m moving on.” And return your focus to your work, or whatever activity you’re engaged in. Stepping back from the social circle and exploring other stuff to do is also a good idea. Finding ways to distract and engage your brain – and maybe also meeting some cool new people – also good approaches right now.

      Also, yes, 100% straight women do exist. Please take her at her word. It’s ok to mourn that this isn’t going to happen, but again, please don’t make it her problem. Be polite and professional when you do need to interact with her, and leave it at that.

    18. Totally Minnie*

      Years ago when I was up to my eyeballs in an unrequited crush on one of my brother’s friends an older friend of mine gave me the best piece of advice I’ve ever received, which I’m going to pass along to you.

      You deserve so much better than this. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who pursues you just as enthusiastically as you pursue them. Someone who lights up when you walk into a room or when your name pops up on their phone display. The person you are currently crushing on is not what you deserve. And even if you could talk her into liking you against her will, would that be what you really want? Wouldn’t it be much nicer to meet someone who you connect with organically?

      If you two spend a lot of time in the same social circle, consider branching out. Is there a hobby you’ve been wanting to take up, or a cause you think you’d like to volunteer for? Find other people who are interested in those things and expand your friendship base so you’ll have less time to spend on this person. When you see her at work, be polite and professional, but don’t put any more effort into gaining her good favor than she puts toward gaining yours.

      It’s hard, OP. I know it’s hard. And it takes time and practice. But you can do it.

    19. Lissa*

      You sound a bit like me, OP, where you keep mentioning how you’ve never felt this way before. Sometimes us folks who don’t crush a lot can do this thing where the crushes we do have take on extreme proportions. “It MUST be something real because I don’t ever do this!” It is a really really easy to do this, but sadly just doesn’t bear out in fact.

      I disagree with people who say you sound awful – you are aware it’s your irrational brain telling you these things, but as I know well, knowing you are being irrational still doesn’t stop the thoughts from creeping in. Sadly I think you need to believe that anything your brain tells you about this woman maybe being interested interested in you is your irrational brain. I get that it is very very hard to feel something SO strongly and be sure that the feeling makes something real, because I suffered like this for almost two years myself. But everyone is right and I hope that the few harsh comments don’t overwhelm the sense of what you’re hearing. Stepping back will be healthier for you.

    20. Wrench Turner*

      Leave it alone. She’s not in to you. She said no. Especially if she works with you.
      What you do is act as laser sharp professional and do your job. Don’t ask her out later again, don’t contact her for social things unless a friendship actually develops. If it was a guy asking his coworker out, she said No, and he said “But I wanna…” what would the response be? The same:
      Leave it alone. She’s not in to you. She said no.

    21. Observer*

      One other thing. If you are in a reasonably well run workplace, you could also be endangering your job if you continue to pursue her. As others have mentioned, you are definitely heading into harassment territory, and good workplaces take that stuff seriously.

    22. LilySparrow*

      I feel for you, I really do. I have had some bone-crunching crushes in my life. In a way, she has really done you a kindness by being forthright in her no. I have had crushes who couldn’t handle a direct answer and would do things like agree to go out & then stand me up. That’s humiliating. Of course, that sort of behavior is also very effective at extinguishing a crush!

      I’m very concerned that you say you interact at work and you keep initiating contact after she told you no. That is not okay. I certainly wouldn’t consider anyone a friend who did that – I’d consider them a person to avoid at all costs.

      I’m not going to dogpile about doubting her sexuality, because it’s been said. But Im concerned about her even making the statement that she’s “100 percent straight.”

      Why should she have to even say such a thing? Why does it matter?

      The fact that the conversation even got there makes me think you were already overstepping.

      This sounds tough, but please hear it in my warmest “auntie” voice – if you cared about her as a person — even just as a friend — you’d have empathy and care about her feelings. I’m not seeing any of that in your letter.

      Try putting yourself in her place. How would you feel if someone at work you weren’t interested in kept asking you out until you were resorting to such a desperate-sounding deflection? That’s a terrible position you put her in, it really is.

      How about if the person kept making up reasons to initiate contact with you, and you couldn’t avoid them completely because of work? (Check out Captain Awkward about “Firthing,” by the way. It’s pretty relevant.)

      I understand what an intense crush is like, but it’s really best for both of you if you just stop talking to her except about mandatory work subjects. It will help you get over it quicker, and it’s the right way to treat people.

      Please stop trying to get her attention or be her friend. The friendliest, kindest thing you can do is drop it before you wind up with an HR issue.

    23. Lindsay J*

      I know you’ve said work and social life stuff makes this impossible, but really for me space is the only thing that has ever fixed these kinds of situations for me.

      A lot of my crushes have been due to proximity. Once I get away from them, the crush fades or goes away.

      Since you do have to see them, I would minimize that time as much as possible, and when you do see them be professional but curt. As she doesn’t seem to consider you a friend it doesn’t sound like this would offend her or make things awkward within your friend group.

      Try inviting some friends or smaller groups of friends (not including this person) to things so when you socialize it doesn’t always have to be with her. Hide her posts on social media. If you can change who you small-talk with or where you eat lunch at work or similar small things to minimize the contact, do those. Maybe work on building some new social groups she is not involved in by taking some sort of class or going to a meetup. Not to replace your current friend group entirely, but just to supplement it. Meet new people. Be able to relax and hang out without this agonizing crush hanging over you. Maybe you’ll make a new close friend you can vent to about the situation, or maybe you’ll find someone new to crush on, or maybe you’ll just have one night a week that you can spend around people that aren’t her.

      I would also work on reframing your thoughts about her sexuality and about her not giving you a chance.
      It doesn’t matter that in general that women’s sexuality is more fluid than men’s, because in this case she has specifically said that she is 100% not attracted to women. She is the one who gets to identify and label her own sexuality. And, personally, if you believe that some people are 100% gay, I think you have to believe that some people out there are 100% straight as well. She is one of them. And even if she is not 100% straight, she 100% does not want to acknowledge the % of her that is not, she does not want to have sex with women, and she does not want to date women. Those are all things she gets to decide for herself, and they are all things you have to believe her about when she says them.

      I mean, I’m going to be a little crude here, but it is generally really really offensive when men say that all a lesbian needs is a good dicking to turn them straight. Isn’t it? Or when someone implies that someone can’t know that they are gay until they physically have sex. All you’re doing here is the opposite.

      And further, even if she were attracted to women, that would not mean that she owes you a shot. People can be and are attracted to other people for whole hosts of conscious and unconscious reasons. The decision as to whether you want to date another person can be even more complicated, still. She has decided she does not want to date you. She has told you she doesn’t want to date you. That’s pretty much the end of the discussion. It takes two people to be in a (monogamous) relationship – 2 people agree to start it, 2 people agree to continue it. If one person doesn’t want to be in it at any point, it ends.

      And really, do you want to drag someone kicking and screaming into having a relationship with you?

      You deserve to be with someone who is just as excited to be with you as you are to be with them. Don’t you want that?

      I really 100% did not believe that that was possible for me to find for a long time. I thought that every one else was prettier than me and smarter than me and fitter than me and more charismatic than me and richer than me and I would always only be left with someone who was settling for me because all the other better options had turned them down.

      Time and therapy has taught me that that is not true.

      Also, every time I have been in one of these serious overwhelming crush situations it was because I was in a relationship at the time that was lacking in things. I was latching onto people that I thought would give me things I was missing in those relationships – physical affection, emotional validation, intellectual stimulation, etc. Part of the solution for me was finding other outlets for those needs that were not the person I was crushing on, and, in my case, fixing (usually by ending) the relationship situation where I was not getting what I needed.

    2. anon24*

      I’ve been craving cake for weeks but putting it off because “cake is bad for you and I’m fat.” But if it’s a special day…

      Homeade dark chocolate cupcakes here I come!

    3. nep*

      I don’t do chocolate cake. But I’ll have some dark chocolate in observance. I don’t want to be a party pooper, after all.

  47. dear liza dear liza*

    Podcast fans! I’m looking for podcasts where you can play along, like Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, Ask Me Another, and Will Shortz’s the Puzzler (not sure if that last one is a podcast but I enjoy it on the radio). I can do word games or trivia, but nothing sports-related.

    3. DwynywynLives*

      Check out the How Stuff Works series – Stuff you should know, stuff to blow your mind, missed in history – all good podcasts. Also there are a ton on BBC too, and Science AAAS has a good one.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      The Unbelievable Truth, if you can find it online. (BBC radio regulates it pretty good, but you can find reruns in a few places online.)

    1. fposte*

      I’m always vaccinated–I get the vaccine free and tolerate it well, so I can’t see any reason not to. It’s still worth it to me even if it doesn’t turn out to be as predictive as they’d hoped, because on a university campus I’m sure I could have a chance to be exposed to all the strains somewhere along the line.

      But yeah, it’s an old-school intense year, and I’m with you in worrying about the kids.

    2. Katie the Fed*

      I got the flu shot the first day it was offered.

      I’m worried about my newborn. I have to take him for his 1-month pediatrician appointment next week and I HATE it. So many sick kids. Last time we went we got in the elevator and a family got on with their kid coughing openly. I just grabbed the baby and NOPED the hell out of there asap.

    3. Libervermis*

      I get vaccinated every year, for myself and for the social good. I actually got the flu for the first time this year despite the vaccine, but it was mild and only a few days – knowing how deadly the flu can be, I’m grateful any work vaccines do. Even though efficacy is down this year, I’m still preaching flu vaccines to everyone I see on campus.

    4. DrWombat*

      I have celiac, so I know I am high-risk for negative outcomes (we don’t yet know why celiac torpedoes your immune system, but it does) and I remember having H1N1 -before- I had celiac. NOPE. I got vaccinated back in November, but I have a colleague who refuses to because he feels he’s not at risk, and he says where he’s from they ration vaccines so only healthcare workers get them. He called it government overreach. I’m glad I got vaccinated but I find his comments to be fairly ill-considered, especially given that he’s a PhD, but on the other hand, I seem to keep running into this attitude. I had a previous labmate refuse to get flu shots bc she never got sick. How the heck do I explain the concept of herd immunity to people who should really know better? I’m with you re being especially worried – I know colleagues who have gotten really sick, and one missed like 3 weeks of work due to the flu. Hoping everyone is ok here!

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I think a big part of the problem is that people use the term “flu” way too loosely. People say they have flu when they really just have a cold, or a stomach bug. I had H1N1 during the 2009 outbreak and HOLY SH*T. That was hell. Once you’ve been so weak you were LITERALLY crawling across your floor, you have a whole new respect for the flu. Real flu is god awful.

        So I think people think flu is just the sniffles or something and then they don’t see the point in a vaccine. I didn’t see what the big deal was before that time – I will ALWAYS get the flu shot now.

        1. paul*

          Hey fellow H1N1 sufferer! That was the absolute pits wasn’t it? I didn’t know it was possible to feel that bad and not die–literally worse than busting my shoulder a few years later.

          1. Katie the Fed*

            True story – I actually drafted up notes for my family in case I died overnight. I’d already started Tamiflu but I was too delirious to GET MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL. And we had a blizzard and power outage at the same time – I remember piling up every blanket in the house on top of myself and just shaking and shaking in bed. Awful.

          2. DrWombat*

            I had H1N1 in college – missed 2.5 weeks of school and was quarantined in my dorm room the whole time. I have never been sicker. I am glad they gave me the high proof cough syrup but my mom had me texting her my temperature every few hours in case I needed to go to the ER or I got suddenly worse. But I couldn’t go home, as my sister would’ve caught it from me and she has just as bad of an immune system. But wow was it misery.

        2. Julianne*

          Same! Although my parents had me properly vaccinated as a child, we never did flu shots, so once I was old enough to make my own medical decisions I was like, “Eh, not necessary for me, I’m young and healthy/possibly invincible.” Got a bad case of the flu in 2010 and that completely changed my mind. I’ll take whatever protection I can get! We have a new nurse this year and she scheduled a flu shot clinic in the fall and almost all staff got vaccinated, and we’ve had a lot fewer adults and kids out sick so far this year.

        4. Elizabeth West*

          Yeah, I agree with this. Anyone who has actually had flu or cared for someone who did would not take it lightly. It’s a serious respiratory thing and it kills people.

          From the CDC:

          How many people die from seasonal flu each year in the United States?
          The number of seasonal influenza-associated (i.e., seasonal flu-related) deaths varies from year to year because flu seasons often fluctuate in length and severity. Therefore, a single estimate cannot be used to summarize influenza-associated deaths. Instead, a range of estimated deaths is a better way to represent the variability and unpredictability of flu.

          An August 27, 2010 MMWR report entitled “Thompson MG et al. Updated Estimates of Mortality Associated with Seasonal Influenza through the 2006-2007 Influenza Season. MMWR 2010; 59(33): 1057-1062.,” provided estimates of the range of flu-associated deaths that occurred in the United States during the three decades prior to 2007. CDC estimated that from the 1976-1977 season to the 2006-2007 flu season, flu-associated deaths ranged from a low of about 3,000 to a high of about 49,000 people.

          On December 9, 2016, CDC posted estimates of seasonal flu deaths from more recent seasons in the United States. CDC estimates that from 2010-2011 to 2013-2014, influenza-associated deaths in the United States ranged from a low of 12,000 (during 2011-2012) to a high of 56,000 (during 2012-2013). Death certificate data and weekly influenza virus surveillance information was used to estimate how many flu-related deaths occurred among people whose underlying cause of death on their death certificate included respiratory or circulatory causes.

          I do a reporting survey via email each week from an org called Flu Near You. It’s a non-profit that helps compile flu data in various areas. They send you an email with a short “How are you feeling?” survey. I like helping. :)

      2. Libervermis*

        If you figure out how to explain the importance of herd immunity to people who don’t get it, I’m all ears! Million-dollar question there!

      3. Tris Prior*

        Boyfriend and I both got shots. We both got the flu – first time ever in our years of getting the shot that this happened. But, I think we had comparatively mild cases and both of us were functioning, if not feeling great, in a week. Some of my friends who did not get the shot were too weak to get out of bed for 2 full weeks. It also didn’t go into our chests or turn into bronchitis or pneumonia, which happened to my anti-vax co-worker.

    5. Natalie*

      Uh… oops.

      Ever since I left the office where one of our tenants invited us to a free shot clinic every year, I keep forgetting, and apparently this year is no different. I actually got the real flu last year and it was flipping miserable, which you’d think would have helped me remember. So I guess I need to stop by the clinic. :)

    6. Middle School Teacher*

      I always get the flu vaccine. I get it for free, it comes to me (a parent comes to school and does it for us… he’s a pharmacist) and I interact with soooooo many germy people that it just makes sense for me to get it. Haven’t had the flu in 8 years!

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      *raises hand* I didn’t get the flu shot until I was in my late 20s. I had never had the flu, I was pretty healthy otherwise, so why bother? WRONG WRONG WRONG. I got the flu one year, it absolutely sucked, I’ve had the shot every year since. For the past two years, my doctor has simply administered it during my yearly physical in September. Last year I had a bad pseudo-flu reaction to it and this year I had a mild one, and you know what? Still better than the flu. So beyond the herd immunity issues, I will never go without a flu shot again if I can help it. And I’m still afraid that I’ll get one of the strains that isn’t in the vaccine in a given year. I’m lucky that I can afford to take some days to recover and I can work from home and I don’t have kids, but the flu is no joke and I don’t want anyone to have to deal with that.

    8. Menacia*

      Neither my husband nor myself ever get vaccinated and this was the first year we both came down with the flu, at the same time, so double the misery. I think it’s a matter of getting older (we are in our 50s) that we realize we need to start getting vaccinated, not to prevent us from getting the flu, but to at least reduce the affects and time it takes to get better. It’s been 10+ days for us and we’re still not fully recovered. I even went into the clinic early to see if I could get Tamiflu but it was not recommended for me because they want to save it for people who really need it, which is fine except I did not get much else in the way of treatment either. Drink plenty of fluids and treat the symptoms is all you can do. Hubby had to get an inhaler, steroids, and cough medicine with codeine due to his coughing and wheezing.

    9. Jules the First*

      Another vaccinated one over here…I was very anti flu vaccination up until a couple of years ago (I hasten to add that I am pro-vaccination for everything else, so this was a weird quirk) when I stopped relying on what my immunologist sister said and actually went out and read the research for myself. Now I go out and get it at the first opportunity – it may not stop you from getting the flu, but the evidence is quite clear that it is less severe if you do.

    10. Colleen*

      I am vaccinated. I got it anyway. Just over a week now and I am feeling better, but I still am weak and my head is foggy. Good luck to anyone else who has/has had/will have it. It is not pleasant.

        1. Thlayli*

          I don’t think that’s what Colleen meant. I think she meant she got vaccinated and then got the flu anyway.

    11. HannahS*

      I always am. It’s protective for my own health, and IMO participating in herd immunity is a moral duty.

    12. nep*

      I’m on the fence and I’ve got no idea why. I’ve never gotten the flu vaccine. But I’m not one of these ‘Oh, I never get sick, blah blah.’ I know I’m just as susceptible as the next guy. It’s inexplicable, really. I don’t know why I don’t do it. It was available for free at my workplace. I might go do it this weekend. Aaaaack I hate this.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Go ahead and do it! It won’t take long. Reward yourself when it’s done. Here’s the thing: you really, really, REALLY do not want the flu. As long as you can take the shot, I think keeping the flu as at bay as possible makes it soooo worth it.

      2. Emily*

        If not for yourself, you should do it so that you’re less likely to pass it onto someone else who can’t get the vaccine!

    13. Turtlewings*

      My sister’s a teacher and literally fifty percent of her class is out with either flu or strep. And she’s been in bed for two days now with SOMETHING, though the symptoms don’t particularly match either of those things. I get a free vaccine through my work, so even though I’m needle-phobic, you better believe I took that opportunity!

    14. Can't Sit Still*

      I’m vaccinated, but I did catch the flu anyway earlier this year. It much was milder than usual, though, so I feel it was worth getting vaccinated. Two of my co-workers have older family members in hospice due to catching the flu on top of existing health conditions.

    16. Earthwalker*

      Me. Husband is immune compromised so he doesn’t get the shot. That makes me the herd who must maintain immunity. (And elbow doors open in public places, and avoid handshakes, and alcohol my hands and the grocery cart handle as I enter the store and do it again after loading my groceries into the trunk… People probably think I’m an obsessive compulsive germophobe.)

        1. nep*

          (I don’t mean to make light of conditions that detrimentally affect people’s lives. I use these terms lightly here and I suppose I shouldn’t. I am pretty compulsive about washing/sanitizing my hands…but I know there are degrees.)

    17. Overeducated*

      My immediate family is – heaven knows we’ve been to the doctor’s enough in the last few months that it’s been very easy to just add on.

      My kiddo came home sick with a fever Thursday and I was pretty scared it was the flu that night, so we called the nurse’s line and I worked from home Friday to avoid exposing coworkers to potential contagions. Fortunately it has been mild enough that the doctor’s office said not to come in, it was probably something else and it wasn’t worth the germ exposure and medication side effects. So crossing my fingers that we remain in the clear.

    18. Forking Great Username*

      The little ones are vaccinated. I’m not – I’m a huge needle phone who has serious panic attacks, like throwing up/passing out. I know I should, but gathering the courage is so hard! In the meantime I’m doing everything in my power to be totally chill about it with my kids and not pass on my phobia. And keeping them vaccinated, of course.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        There were pharmacists here offering it as a nasal spray. Could you look into that?

        1. Forking Great Username*

          It used to be offered that way here, but last I’d heard it was deemed ineffective and no longer available – I’ll have to check and see if that’s still the case.

    19. Laura H*

      I am.

      Still got it this year… but it was less of an oomph to me. But they sorta missed on the vaccine this year. In the past, I’ve gotten the vaccine and not gotten sick with it.

      Please if y’all have the flu please stay home… it doesn’t do anyone any good to get others sick…

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yeah, it was a little tough to figure out this time. But I read something the other day where some scientist seem to have possibly discovered a thing that could lead to a universal vaccine. Of course it needs oodles of research, but if so, hey that would be awesome.

        Support candidates who support science funding, y’all!

    20. Stormy*

      I swear to Dog, I only end up with weird health problems in years I get vaccinated for the flu. I’m not a “vaccine gives you the flu” truther, it’s always been some other illness…but man, it’s past coincidence. I quit getting vaccinated after a relative with an auto-immune disorder passed, and went without for about 15 years. My constant chronic sinus infections, weird skin problems, and miscelleanous other ailments all died off. Now I started getting vaccinations again due to work, and here come back all the weird problems!

    21. This Daydreamer*

      *raises hand* Since I work in a shelter, a single case of the flu can quickly spread to everyone in the house. No way in hell do I want to deal with that, let alone be the cause of it.

    22. MsChanandlerBong*

      I want to be vaccinated, but I am allergic to something in it. The last time I had it done, I got a HUGE, itchy, swollen goose egg at the injection site, and it lasted for two weeks. My throat also felt a little weird afterward. I didn’t have a life-threatening reaction or anything, but enough of one to make me worry about getting the shot again. I had the flu last year, and it was AWFUL. I was sick for 12 days, and I ended up in the ER because I was wheezing so badly that I needed a breathing treatment. Every time I coughed, I nearly blacked out–it felt like my brain was bouncing around inside my skull.

      1. Elf*

        Check with your doctor, because not all flu vaccines have the same ingredients. I didn’t get one for years, because I’m allergic to Thimerosal and didn’t realize that many (most modern) flu vaccines don’t contain it. A new doctor realized it and I’ve had the flu shot with no problem since.

    23. futurelibrariannomore*

      Me!

      I’m immuno-compromised due to an autoimmune disease and Remicade. I also work with the homeless, children, and basically everyone who walks in the door, and have to have it. I can’t risk getting it with asthma, as I could actually run into some real problems.

    24. Pat Benetardis*

      I get the flu shot at work for free, and my teens got it when they were at the doctors for other things. My husband refused, and I have informed him that if he gets the flu I won’t be taking care of him. This is not true and he knows it, but I will be traveling quite a bit so if he gets sick it’s going to be tricky. His excuse is reports of the reduced effectiveness of this year’s vaccine. I hate that there is media coverage of this because there is still some protection. I wonder how many other people those reports discourage.

      1. Agnodike*

        I’ve never understood that position – not getting the flu shot is 0% effective against the flu, so in all cases is less effective than getting a flu shot even in a year with low effectiveness.

    25. Parenthetically*

      Mine will be 6 months on Monday and I’m going to ask his pediatrician about the vax on Thursday at his checkup. I’ve NEVER gotten a flu shot, but yeah, this one’s a bastard isn’t it.

    26. Starryemma*

      I’m vaccinated and unfortunately got the flu, but I’m still glad I got it. It was hellish this year. If this helps me avoid another strain, I’ll be glad.

      1. Laura H*

        Ditto. The first night was awful. But again, the vaccine did help (as did the tamiflu)

        A month after diagnosis, I’m glad I got the vaccine and went ASAP to the doc (and that 2 outta 3 other family members didn’t get the flu) but yeah 0/10 would NOT do the flu again!

        Hope you’re feeling better Starryemma.

    27. Elizabeth West*

      Me. I always get vaccinated. I don’t want flu and I don’t want to give it to others.
      I even got an MMR booster in 2015 before I went to England again, since it was ramping up at the time and I was going to be all over airports.

    28. Kuododi*

      I get vaccinated every year bc I help take care of my mother with dementia. The last thing she needs is me bringing over a case of the Big Awful! Dad on the other hand refused to o get them for years bc he believed all the myths, rumors and conspiracy theories about flu inoculation. (I’ve mentioned before this brilliant man chooses to buy into the Rush Limbaugh nonsense as his source of news). DH works at a downtown children’s hospital, flu shots are required for him on penalty of suspension. (He’d do it anyway…his area of responsibility is immunocompromised children)

      1. Former Employee*

        I’ve never figured out how really smart people can buy into this sort of thing. Ironically, Hillary was right years ago when she spoke of a vast right wing conspiracy. The only thing I can think of is that because the people on the right do this stuff, they assume that people on the left do it, too. It reminds me of the saying about how people who are suspicious that their SO is cheating are generally projecting – they are cheating, so they assume their partner is, too.

        1. Cad kitty*

          I don’t think being left or right wing conspiracy has anything to do with this. The left wing conspiracy has just as many nutty ideas. It is people in general who get nutty ideas.

    29. Merci Dee*

      Kiddo and I got our vaccinations. We do it every year, and it’s something I don’t put a lot of thought into, but I’m grateful for it this year even if the vaccine wasn’t well-matched.

      I can testify that getting vaccinated does help cut down on the severity of the flu if you come down with it. Last tear, kiddo got sick with the flu. Doc swabbed her, said she had type B. Tamiflu worked a treat. Six weeks later, she felt kind of puny, so I took her to the doc. Oh, look, it’s the flu again. Type A this time. Insurance wouldn’t cover a new batch of Tamiflu because it hadn’t been more than 90 days since the last dose. I just made sure she rested and got lots of fluids. All in all, it wasn’t terrible. Definitely not as bad as it could’ve been.

    30. Elizabeth H.*

      I never get the flu vaccine. I am a huge supporter of all other vaccines but I don’t really get the flu vaccine thing. I don’t remember flu vaccines existing when I was younger. Is it a thing? I have had the flu twice this winter already but it only lasted about 2 days in both circumstances. I also think that considering the new vaccine is only 10% effective it’s a huge waste of time. I don’t really mind being sick and even gave myself the flu once on purpose (used roommate’s toothbrush) because I was so depressed I wanted to have a meaningful excuse to not do anything though.

      1. Starley*

        Flu shots have been around since the ’30s. :) The toothbrush thing is quite sad, though. I hope you’re doing better these days.

        1. Former Employee*

          I don’t think that flu shots have been around since the 30’s, at least not available to the general public. I believe they were given to service members in the 40’s, but weren’t commonly available until much later. In fact, I asked one of my doctors if I could have had a flu shot when I was a child in the 50’s/60’s and they said no, so I don’t think the vaccine was something you could get from your regular MD until the 1970’s.

      2. Lissa*

        I don’t remember them existing when I was younger either – I grew up in the 1980s and don’t remember hearing about the flu vaccine as an option until my early 20s. I might have just been oblivious and not had parents worry about it but I do think it’s maybe been more publicized lately!

      3. ..Kat..*

        Two days of illness? What you had was not the flu. The current vaccine is considered 30% effective. More definitive data will be available sometime in February.

        2. Elizabeth H.*

          As opposed to what? Even according to the CDC itself, “Most people who get influenza will recover in a few days to less than two weeks” so I certainly don’t think that a two day duration of severe symptoms means something isn’t flu. Information listed here https://www.cdc.gov/flu/consumer/symptoms.htm I’m not sure why you are so confident about what illness I (a random stranger) did or didn’t have!

          1. Mike C.*

            Lots of folks mistake a cold with influenza. If you were only sick for two days with no fevers or chills, it’s extremely unlikely you had influenza.

            1. Elizabeth H.*

              Why would you think I didn’t have fevers and chills? If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have assumed I had the flu! I seriously do not get this at all. I am definitely aware of what cold and flu symptoms are like and how they can be quite similar in some cases but differ in some ways – I actually posted a link about this above. It’s not a sickness competition… There is enough to go around

      4. TL -*

        It lessens the chance of people getting the flu and the vaccine reducing the number of people the flu strikes by 20-70% (depending on year and efficacy) would be hugely beneficial – around 15-60 million Americans get the flu each year, so a full vaccination would prevent between 3 and 42 million people from getting the flu.

        On top of that, those 3-42 million people who don’t get the flu also don’t pass it on to other people, which would mean overall, less people are exposed to (and get) the flu. So if I’m a nurse and work with elderly patients for whom the flu can be deadly, and I get the vaccine, even if it’s not super effective, I’m less likely to catch it and pass it on. If my whole family gets the vaccine, they’re less likely to give it to me, which means I’m even more unlikely to catch it and pass it on. If my whole town gets the vaccine, I’m much less likely to catch it from my family or from normal daily activities like shopping, which means my patient is much safer, my quality of life is better, and I don’t have to take time off work to be miserable in my bed.

        It also means that we don’t lose millions or billions of dollars in sick time for the employers and reduces hospitalizations, which reduces money spent on partially preventable illnesses.

        1. TL -*

          (For the mathy bit) With no vaccination, I have a ~20% chance of catching a particularly infections flu virus. With a low efficiency flu shot (20%), I lose 20% of that risk, taking my chances down to 16%.

          If I live with 3 people, and they all get the flu shot, their risk also goes down to 16%, but that takes my risk down significantly, because they are the most likely people to give me the flu. Let’s just assume they’re responsible for 75% of my flu risk. So.. .2*.75 = a 15% percent reduction in my chances of getting the flu, which takes my total risk down to 14.6%.

          That’s small, yes, but let’s assume all three of them work or participate in elementary school which accounts for 75% of their flu risk; if the whole school gets vaccinated, then my children’s risk drops, which drops my personal risk even further, by another small increment. If I happen to work with another parent from that school, their risk has now dropped by vaccinating their child and my risk drops by another small increment.

          Let’s assume all of the families who have children in the elementary school get vaccinated. Their children’s risk decreases, which decreases the risk of my children getting the flu, which then decreases the risk of me getting the flu. My coworker’s risk again decreases, now that they and their child are vaccinated, which again, decreases my risk by another small bit. Finally, let’s assume my whole neighborhood gets vaccinated. Now, every person who enters my grocery store (that I go to once a week) has decreased my chances of getting the flu, because they are vaccinated and are that much less likely to pass it on it.

          Let’s say all these small increments eventually decrease your risk by another 4%. At this point, a vaccine that is only 20% effective has halved your chances of getting a very contagious flu. Halved!

          The USA has ~300 million people. That’s 30 million people who don’t get this highly contagious, low-efficacy-vaccine flu; if we account for things not being perfect (my math or people’s immune systems), let’s say it’s between 20 and 30 million people who don’t get the flu. That’s 20-30 million people who don’t need time off from work, who don’t put the elderly or immunocompromised or very young at risk, who don’t spend money on healthcare.

          1. Grandma Mazur*

            Thank you so much for taking the time to explain this in detail – I never understood exactly how herd immunity probability worked until now!

      6. LilySparrow*

        I’m glad you don’t mind being sick and have such amazingly easy cases of flu. You’re very fortunate.

        I do wonder how many people you passed it to before you felt bad enough to stay home. And if they mind being sick.

    31. Annie Mouse*

      I am, and I’ve managed to get my parents to get the jab as well, my dad’s refused for years but agreed this time. The field I work in sees me dealing with poorly people all the time, and I tend to be a bit more susceptible to respiratory diseases than anything else so it’s a no brainer for me.

    32. BatteryB*

      Yes. My doctor insists because of some of my health issues, and I can get it free at work. Over 40 people have died of the flu in my state, including a woman I used to work with.

    33. Pharmgirl88*

      If anyone here hasn’t had their flu shot yet but would like one due to the outbreak – please don’t wait!! My company is already out of flu shots and won’t be receiving anymore. It’s getting harder to find any available, so if you want one I’d suggest getting one ASAP!

    34. Friday*

      Whole family is vaccinated except my newborn, and my kindergartener and I got the flu yesterday. Her worse than me, my poor little girl. And now we are naturally terrified for our baby who has obviously been exposed a thousand times over at this point. But I’m thankful we are breastfeeding and that is going very well as I’m actively making the antibodies needed to keep the babe safe.

    35. Mimmy*

      I too am worried about the outbreak this year, not just for the obvious reasons, but because where I work, even just one person calling out can cause a ripple affect in that day’s class schedule.

      My husband and I get vaccinated just about every year. My now-husband and I both got the flu 20 years ago while on vacation and it was miserable as heck.

    36. Nina*

      I am, but I don’t think it really helped. I still got the flu and viral meningitis in the span of 3 weeks. Urgent care told me that the flu shot lessened the severity, but this was before I got progressively sicker and wound up in the ER. I spent two days in the hospital and almost 2 weeks out of work. It was a nightmare. What really gets me is that I was the only one at work who got sick.

      Despite this, I live with people who are immuno-compromised so I’m not against the shot, but I’m pissed that it’s so ineffective this year.

    37. Lindsay J*

      This is the first year I have ever gotten it.

      I had a reaction for about 3 days afterwards where I felt achey and fatigued and ill etc, but still better than getting the full-blown flu.

      (Or it may not have even been a reaction and I just caught a mild case of something while at the doctor’s office. Who knows?)

      I’m trying to take better care of my health this year and be a better citizen in general. And making sure I got the flu shot this year was part of that.

  49. Loopy*

    Because my random bison fact went over so well last week I decided to return with another random fact (admittedly this one is not as cool but still blew my mind).

    People are paying 20- 50 dollars for someone to make their wedding hastags. I saw several people refer to doing this on a wedding forum. A friend and I were all set to jump on this and get rich…. Until we realized we couldn’t even come up with one for MY wedding. Alas. Good thing I don’t want/need a hashtag!

    If anyone else has heard of this, please verify. Also if anyone has a hidden hashtag making talent please so look into this!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have never heard of this, but I completely believe that it’s A Thing. I also realllly dislike cutesy wedding hashtags, like the kind where some dude named Larry marries a woman named Leia and it’s something like “larrygotleid”. What’s so wrong with “larryandleia4ever”? I don’t like wedding hashtags at all, really, but I see the point of them.

      2. Loopy*

        I’m not a hashtag fan but I too have to admit there is a practical side at least to having an easy way of collecting photos taken my guests.

        I really think I’d like to see pictures from others but I’m reaaaaally not sure I can bring myself to make a hashtag. And I’m NOT paying someone!

        1. Al Lo*

          … and then run an IFTTT applet to save all of the photos with that hashtag to your dropbox. It would have been great if that had existed when I got married. Funny how 2010 can start to seem like the dark ages, technologically-speaking. We streamed our wedding for family and friends who couldn’t come, but it was much more work than it would be to do it now!

    2. Jillociraptor*

      I’m getting married this fall and there are SO MANY THINGS I didn’t realize were part of weddings now. The hashtag I would want to use is probably too long, but it’s the perfect mix of a dumb inside joke to us while still looking reasonably normal on its face, which is our wedding planning ethos.

      I’m both surprised and very not that someone would pay $50 for a hashtag. I might just not be great at budgeting, but basically anything under a couple hundred dollars is starting to look like funny money to me in the context of wedding costs…

      1. Loopy*

        I freaking love your wedding planning ethos!

        Mine is “can I work dragons and/or T-rexes into a classy wedding?” (believe it or not there’s hope!).

        And yes, I agree about wedding costs starting to skew my money perspective. I find myself saying, well if I only go over budget by 500 dollars… and then having a heart attack five minutes later that the thought ever entered my head.

    3. Pat Benetardis*

      What is the point of these (or any) Hashtags? Serious question, I don’t use them or understand what they’re for.

      1. Loopy*

        They are a way to easily view all pictures taken by guests via social media (Instagram is a common site used with these). The idea is everyone adds the hashtag to their photos when they post, and when you plug the hashtag into the search bar, they all show up. It saves you from having to look on everyone’s different accounts for pictures they took/posted.

    4. A.N.O.N.*

      I CANNOT imagine spending money on this.

      That said, I’ll admit I semi-ironically tried a free site where you can enter you and your betrothed’s names (and, optionally, other details) and it’ll generate hashtags for you. But that’s for free!

      Disclaimer: I, too, hate the idea of needing a hashtag, but I will certainly want my guests’ photos and this seems to be the standard practice for collecting them.

  50. AngelicGamer aka that visually impaired peep*

    Okay… give me your fantasy recommendations. HOWEVER – No Game of Thrones or any fantasy that reminds you of it. I want something that’s focused on the epic battle of good vs evil not who is going to die within this chapter. I am a huge Tolkien fan, even if I haven’t read the more recent stuff that his son is publishing. Thanks everyone!! <3

    1. anon24*

      I used to think that Lord of the Rings was the best book series ever. Then I read Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series. They are the best! The series is 7 parts (8 if you add in the optional 4.5 book), and they are all LONG books but it is so worth it. It follows Roland of Gilead, the last gunslinger of midworld, on his quest to reach the Dark Tower, the center of all worlds, so he can climb it and see who lives in the room at the top. Along the way he manages to travel through worlds, bring some people along the way, and it’s crazy good. It is a marvelous combination of fantasy, western, thrown in with a little bit of sci fi. Absolutely amazing! He also manages to tie in almost every book he’s written, so if you’re a fan of his it’s fun (and if you aren’t, it shouldn’t affect your reading enjoyment at all). The series took him years and years to write and it does evolves quite a bit along the way (I personally think the first book is the worst of the series, it’s very slow reading at times, but still good enough that I read the second and got hooked)

      2. Elizabeth West*

        YES YES YES YES
        Roland Deschain was my first and longest-running literary crush (still going, actually). :D

        I had a very weird realization about the metafiction part of it in Song of Susannah the last time I read it, and some strange occurrences during my read made me feel as though Midworld was lurking just out of my perception. o_O

      2. Erika22*

        Second the Wheel of Time series! Currently on book nine (tried to read the series in high school but didn’t have time to get past book five – yay adulthood!) I’m so pleased to see that it’s as good as it was back then, PLUS ALL THE LADIES. So satisfying to have so many awesome and well-written female characters. Classic “chosen one” who has to fight increasingly bad baddies until the Final Battle, but there are so many subplots that flesh out the universe of the books (and actually contribute to the main plot rather than detract) that it’s just ugh so good.

      3. Delphine*

        I second the Mistborn series and other Brandon Sanderson stories if you like fantasy where world building and the mechanics of magic are the strong suits. I found his characters to be pretty thin. For world building and incredible characters I’d recommend Robin Hobb.

    3. Turtlewings*

      OH GOODY, a chance for me to recommend my favorite author! Lois McMaster Bujold and her Five Gods ‘verse. (I love everything of hers and she has a lot of different things, but this is the closest to what you’re looking for.) The first book is “The Curse of Chalion” and it’s about a battered and washed-up war veteran who just wants a quiet retirement. Instead, he finds himself being made tutor to the princess and getting involved in marriage negotiations, succession crises, death magic, attracting the personal attention of the god of disasters, and hosting a miracle in the form of a haunted stomach tumor. Oh my gosh it’s so good.

        1. Turtlewings*

          Oh, have you seen any of the Penric & Desdemona stuff? I think they’re only available in ebook. Same universe, set closer to The Hallowed Hunt than to Curse of Chalion. Penric is a farmer’s son who accidentally picked up a demon on the way to market. The demon isn’t so thrilled about this, either. They’re pretty great.

      2. Book Lover*

        The Curse of Chalion is just stunningly good. Literally couldn’t put it down and think of it often.

        From the YA files, The Dark is Rising, Prydain Chronicles. I am reading Belgariad and Mallorean with my son and can’t actually recommend them – no character progression, sexist, etc – but that said, they are rather compulsively readable and I loved them when I was a teen.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I don’t know about deeply sexist. I think Polgara is a terrific female character. They’re not super deep, GoT-level fantasy, but quick and very readable.

        2. Middle School Teacher*

          Oops, you hadn’t said deeply sexist, just sexist. My bad. And the Mallorean is a little better, with Mirtai. She’s pretty tough.

          1. Book Lover*

            Are you thinking of the Elenium and Tamuli? It is less sexist, I think, but we haven’t started that yet with my son and I read it years ago.

      1. Sherm*

        I think the first 4 books of Wheel of Time are absolutely amazing. The series unfortunately starts to go downhill after that, but I still highly recommend those 4 books!

        1. Thlayli*

          If you stick with it till the end it’s worth it, but it does really drag around book 10. When you read them all in a row really quickly it’s much easier to keep track of all he storylines than when we were waiting a year for a new one to come out before the series was finished.

          Also, there is a WOT wiki that can help you keep track of minor characters coz there’s so many of them!

    5. Free Meerkats*

      So far there’s only the first book out, but try “The Waking Land” by Callie Bates. A female protagonist discovering herself, betrayals, battles, magic!

    6. DrWombat*

      I love Ursula Vernon’s work (published as T. Kingfisher) – lots of amazing female protagonists from both authors! Digger (Ursula’s webcomic) may also be up your alley. Digger also features one of the best discussions of domestic violence I’ve seen in fiction, as well as an excellent discussion of what it means to be good as a person.

      1. DrWombat*

        Edit: I mean that regardless of what name she is publishing under, Ursula has lots of amazing female protagonists ^^

    7. JenM*

      It’s been a while since I read them but I liked Tad Williams Memory, Sorrow and Thorn series. The protagonist was a decent person which is very important to me.

    8. Hrovitnir*

      My favourite fantasy isn’t generally appt epic battles between good and evil, and people do die, but I can tell you my favourite series are:

      -The Devvery series by Katherine Kerr – features reincarnation, trying to right a wrong, magic and politics.

      -The Farseer trilogy and Tawny Man trilogy by Robin Hobb. The Tawny Man is closer to my heart but you need to read them in that order.

      – The Empire trilogy by Raymond E. Feist and Janny Wurts. Set on the “opposite side” to Magician.

      I have read… a lot of fantasy books but one other recommendation that came to mind was the Sword of Shadows series by J. V. Jones.

      OK, have to stop. I don’t know if they’ll be your cup of tea as none of them are really high fantasy, but they’re great. Definitely involve violence, but don’t keep you on your toes in quite the same way as GRRM.

    9. Lady Jay*

      It’s not so much focused on the “epic battle of good vs evil” but it’s very inventive fantasy: Max Gladstone’s work; I suggest starting with Four Roads Cross or Three Parts Dead. Essentially, the gods are real; and they work like currencies, like dollars and yuan, etc. People buy/sell through soulstuff, gaining and losing some with every transaction; in addition to the large currencies, there are invented ones and off-market ones. The priests are businesspeople, who keep portfolios of the accounts and the gods in them.

      It takes a while to get used to, but I love how creative it is. It reads pretty quickly and has diverse characters; the main character of Four Roads Cross is, for instance, a black woman.

    10. heckofabecca*

      The Godserfs trilogy by N.S. Dolkart! It’s character-driven epic fantasy with a focus on… really good characters, frankly. Like Tolkien, there’s a lot of worldbuilding, particularly in the mythology/religion department. It’s not so much ~good vs evil~, but it still has epic (godly!) proportions. Books 1 & 2 are out, and book 3 is coming out later this year.

      Adding my support for Bujold’s Five Gods verse! I’ve only read the first book (Curse of Chalion), but it’s excellent!

    11. Reba*

      N.K. Jeminsin’s series (amazing, so imaginative!), and Ursula K LeGuin’s Earthsea series. The first couple were written as YA but the whole series departs from that and is great, going far beyond the “boy goes to wizard school and has adventures” stuff. (RIP Ursula)

      1. Christy*

        +1 to NK Jemisin! I have read her The Broken Earth trilogy and it is amazing. Plus it’s not totally centered on white men or European myth, which is amazing.

    12. JKP*

      My all-time fantasy series: The Dragon Prince by Melanie Rawn. Huge cast of characters, epic scope, kingdoms battling it out, more in a politics and diplomacy way than in outright war (but some battles too). Magic and dragons and really strong female characters. The books are each very long, the first 3 are individual novels, but the second 3 are really one enormous novel in three parts.

    13. Emac*

      The Fionavar Tapestry trilogy by Guy Gavriel Kay. Though I have to warn that there are a couple of main characters that die – I usually end up sobbing at parts when I re-read it.

      If you like young adult stuff, my favorites growing up that I still like to re-read now were Robin McKinley’s the Blue Sword and the Hero and the Crown (related, but more stand alone than a series) and Susan Cooper’s the Dark is Rising series.

        1. I should be studying*

          I love the Fionavar Tapestry as well! And it has Tolkien cred – Guy Gavriel Kay helped edit the Silamarillion with Christopher Tolkien after JRR Tolkien’s death.

          Another author who is put in YA but whose work I like very much is Garth Nix; his Old Kingdom books are similar to Robin McKinley in some ways, and very enjoyable. The first book is Sabriel.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      I second the recommendation for The Dark Tower. :)

      Something you might like if you like Tolkien but don’t want Game of Thronesian stuff is Tad Williams’ Otherland books. It’s a very epic quest / rescue story, but the setting romps across a bunch of virtual worlds inside a huge internet. There are four books, and they’re fat and dense and wonderful.

      I have them and actually didn’t make it all the way through to the very end, but it’s been a while so I will have to start again at the beginning. Oh darn! :)

    15. AnonEMoose*

      For something different, I really enjoyed the Obsidian and Blood trilogy by Aliette de Bodard. The first book is “Servant of the Underworld.” The books take place in the Aztec empire, and the main character is High Priest of the god of the dead. It’s partly mythology, partly mystery, and just a really intriguing glimpse into a very different world and mindset. Probably easiest to find for the Kindle, or maybe at your library.

      Also, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I adore Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods.” Get the 10th anniversary author’s preferred text if you can. And understand that, whatever you expect it to be, that’s probably not what it is. It’s a book you have to take on its own terms. If you haven’t read any of Gaiman’s stuff before, maybe start with “Neverwhere.” The main character encounters what’s referred to as “London Below,” which exists sort of alongside the London of our world. It’s hard to explain.

      I also like the “Curse of Chalion” trilogy.

      Sharon Shinn has several series that are fantasy, usually lighter, but fun to read.

      If you like funny along with your fantasy, see if you can find The Chronicles of Master Li and Number Ten Ox by Barry Hughart. Takes place in a mythological China…and are laugh out loud hilarious in parts. I think they’re mostly available in the omnibus edition these days.

    16. Delphine*

      The Farseer Trilogy, plus the other six books in the overall series about Fitz. Really beautiful, character-centric storytelling. They joined the ranks of HP and LOTR as my all time favorite fantasy novels.

    17. acmx*

      It’s an old trilogy (late 80s) but the Dragonlance Chronicles are good vs evil. More recent, The Copper Cat trilogy.

    18. Annie Mouse*

      It’s a bit more towards YA fantasy than LOTR but The Books of Pellinor are fantastic reads. By Alison Croggon

    20. miyeritari*

      “the broken earth” trilogy by NK Jemisin

      China Mieville’s Bas-Lag books: “Perdido Street Station” “The Scar” “Iron Council”

    21. Epiphyta*

      Martha Wells’ Ile-Rein novels; I’m also fond of the Tales of the Raksura
      Aliette de Bodard’s Obsidian and Blood trilogy – I personally prefer the Dominion of the Fallen books, but that’s Gothic fantasy
      Ellen Kushner’s Swordspoint books, and the multi-author Tremontaine collections, set in the same universe
      Kate Elliott’s Crossroads trilogy, and the Crown of Stars series. There are seven books in the latter. Elliott has the description from medievalpoc on her website as a summation:

      “If you need your fix of secret enclaves of sorcerers attempting to turn the world into its puppet, Mesoamerican elves and their time-traveling ghosts, Woman of Color protagonist with bookish habits and complex motives, political intrigue of the best and worst sort, White-farm boy-who-might-have-a-destiny protagonist, Non-human yet oddly relatable protagonist, Noble Knight Man of Color protagonist with simple desires and complicated loyalties, enormous cast of interesting and terrible people, the beauty of war, the horrors of love, heresy and power-mad Clergyfolk, Matriarchs who abuse their power and those that lead revolutions from prisons, Hack-N-Bash Knights in Full Plate and Kings who go forth in the land, Prophecies, Curses, Magic Cities that Aren’t There, and spoiled child empresses who like to get dirt on their gowns, welcome to staying up WAY past your bedtime for the foreseeable future.”

      NK Jemisen’s The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms and The Broken Earth series

      There, that’s a start.

    22. Mike C.*

      1,001 Arabian Nights. But take notes when you read, it has the structure of the movie “Inception”.

  51. Kali*

    Just finished my second year university exams and they went really badly. First year, I was able to rewrite my notes – either by hand or a summarised typed version – and go through past papers, and that was enough to get high marks. It’s not enough any more.

    The one thing I really struggle with is organising what I need to learn. I find it hard to hold a lot of information in my head at one time.

    This semester, I’m making a real effort to get started earlier and to stay ahead for more of the semester. I understood the material; it was just a case of recalling all of it in enough detail that I struggled with. One module for this semester is online, so I’ve been able to make a start this afternoon. I’ve been highlighting the titles of each section in my written notes, and keywords. I’ve seen people use systems like highlighting certain things in certain colours, or using different post-it notes for different kinds of information, but I’m not sure how to organise those. Any ideas? :( I study genetics.

    1. Jules the First*

      I highly recommend Cal Newport (generally) and his second book “How to become a straight A student” (specifically) which is packed with simple, effective study tools that will maximise the results you get for your effort and guide you through deciding what notes to take, how to organise and revise the resulting information, and how to ensure you retain the necessary detail for all your exams. Oh, and using his techniques, you can still have a social life!

      It’s the book I wish I’d had when I was at university, and the one I always recommend.

        1. Jules the First*

          There’s one specifically for high schoolers (the skillset is slightly different as high schoolers are graded differently). Both are on Amazon.

      1. The Curator*

        Fair warning. I was a terrible student undergrad and I was really scared of graduate school. I read “How to become a straight A student” I did become a straight A student but I also became a little nuts about studying and note taking and developed repetitive strain injury in wrist. But yes, I did graduate with a 4.0

    3. Hellanon*

      The secret isn’t trying to remember it cold, the secret is building a structure that makes sense to hold it all. The most effective way to do that is to focus on processing the information on multiple levels (don’t just read/highlight, make notes in your own words about what it means and how it links to other parts of what you are studying. Does one bit contradict or reinforce another bit? Write that down. AS you go, too, add page references so you can review things that seem unclear.) and keeping the big picture in mind. The analogy I use with my students is that you can only hold a limited number of bjects in your two hands but if you weave a net to hold them, the capacity is far greater.

      Also, all that back and forth, the cross-references and the page numbers – all that may seem time consuming, but it helps with retrieval of info. And the way to do that best, again, is not to read, but to get a stack of index cards. Write the concepts (key studies, proofs, what have you) on the front, then the answers/summaries/drawings on the back. Don’t read them over & over, but use them to test yourself & to check your work. So, on the front: crystal structure/crystal habit of diamond. On the back: cubic crystal structure, octahedral habit, maybe a couple of rough sketches. AS you test yourself, put the ones you know in one stack and the ones you don’t in another. Now you have a more manageable list of things to work on (and hopefully a large stack of things to feel comfortable about).

      But really: don’t just read. It’ll all sound familiar, and you won’t know what you’ve mastered and what you haven’t…

      1. AnonEMoose*

        Seconding this. Don’t just try to memorize the information, that probably won’t work. When I was taking history courses, and so had to remember lots of names and dates and so on, I used to do something like this:
        1) pick a date at the beginning of the range, and make sure I remembered not only the date, but why it was important
        2) pick a date in the middle and do the same
        3) pick a date at the end

        If I could remember those three dates and why they mattered, then generally the rest of the sequence would fall into place, because I could see how one event led into the next. Maybe there’s something similar you could use to help you?

      2. Kali*

        I’ve heard of all of that before, and I do try to do all of those, but I have trouble defining the concepts to start with. :/ I should probably have mentioned the ADHD earlier. Also, I can’t just read; I need to write or highlight, so at least I’ve got that part down.

        This semester, I’m making a note of what each lecture covers, linked to the syllabus. I’m hoping that will give me a framework of how to link ideas together.

        1. Kali*

          Sorry to sound ungrateful; I’m frustrated because I know all of the advice…I just have some kind of block in putting it into practice, and I can’t quite figure out what it is or how to get round it. :(

          1. AnonEMoose*

            So…maybe it’s time to seek some help. If you have an ADHD diagnosis, your school should have some tutoring/assistance available to you. A tutor experienced at working with people who have an extra challenge might be able to suggest some things for you. If your school has a disability accommodations office, maybe start with them? No shame at all in seeking out assistance, and no need to struggle on your own.

            1. Kali*

              They only really offer extra time during exams, which doesn’t do anything for me.:/

              All the advice I’ve been given is really good. Now I’ve had the experience of exactly how little work I need to put in to drop my grades from a First, I know the line I need to stay above. I think I’m probably overthinking things; I looked through the PDFs and PPTs my professors have uploaded for the new semester, and they’re pretty good at telling me how they define the topics they’re covering, so I should just go with those subheadings. I’m also taking more care when writing my notes; not just writing down the information, but taking care to note what it’s linked to, and what the professor defined the topic as. That’ll better enable me to cluster things together and link them to specific parts of the exam, which will, in turn, let me revise more efficiently.

  52. nep*

    Yesterday I was chatting with a relative I’d not seen in a while. She said her children — freshman and junior in high school — are doing high school online. I didn’t know this existed — damn I’m more out of touch than I thought. I need to read more about this. What was the origin? Why/how did administrators conclude that this should be an option for high school?
    (For the record my relative says her children are absolutely thriving.)

    2. anon24*

      Sounds like a cyber charter school. It’s not homeschooling, it’s technically public school and is free, but it’s all done from home. Often the kids still have set class times they need to log on for, and they are taught by public school trained teachers. Some people like it because they can keep their kids home but don’t have to do anything as far as teaching or lesson plans themselves. My state will even send you a computer if you don’t have one.

      1. nep*

        That’s what she said — schools provide computers if family doesn’t have.
        I wasn’t even aware this was an option for high schoolers; apparently — at least in my state — it’s been around a couple/few years. As I said I want to read more about it…about the why.

        1. Thlayli*

          There are large numbers of parents in the states who want their kids homeschooled because of all the shootings in schools (and in bad areas the other violence too). I imagine doing it this way is cheaper than the traditional bricks-and-mortar approach too. So that’s probably the why.

          This is a thing in Europe now too. Not sure of the reasoning behind that but I imagine if a kid is being bullied it would be an attractive option.

    3. Athena*

      Probably very different betwee US and here, but I completed my senior years online (year 11-12). At the time there was some not-so-nice stuff happening at school, and as I was already completing one subject online (it wasn’t offered at my school, but you can apply with the Australian school boards to let you take classes online alongside your in-person classes), it seemed like a good option.

      From memory, you still had to choose a school in your general region, and if you didn’t have a geographic reason for going through online/distance ed, you had to have a medical reason. Where I live, there are still some fairly remote areas where going to school will take 2+ hours, purely due to the nature of the smaller outlying towns. I lived in town, so this wasn’t an issue; I was permitted due to hectic depression and anxiety (which we had to do a lot of pleading with because at that time it wasn’t really considered a thing. Thank goodness for good doctors is all I can say).

      I really enjoyed it. I could take class at my own pace, and that was great – as a kid who went way into overachieving territory, it taught me how to basically calm down and not freak out where marks are concerned. At the end of year 12, where we all had our major exams, I met up with friends at a different school (prior to leaving, I was in private ed and they were in public) and they were all shocked by how calm I was about exams. I was basically Hermione Granger beforehand.

      1. Athena*

        (I was Hermione Granger in traditional school, I mean. Probably went into Fred and George territory with exam fuss after distance ed.)

    4. Parenthetically*

      My sister-in-law does this with her kids. They’re used to homeschooling but she’s had some health issues this year that preclude that, but her kids absolutely do not thrive in a classroom setting or in the mediocre public schools in my hometown. I think the idea is to provide an education for kids who struggle with an 8-3, M-F classroom life, for any number of reasons — what a gift for kids with anxiety or social phobias, or other health issues!

      1. Isobel*

        It sounds an interesting option. How does it work for subjects that needs specialist equipment (chemistry practicals, or design & technology, for example)? Do the students have to travel somewhere for those?

        1. Athena*

          I was studying textiles and I was required to have sewing machine(s) and all the other usual supplies. Not sure about sciences. I know they had class days in some subjects to fulfil the prac component, so maybe that’s what happened with chem subjects? We used to be able to go in with a group, or schedule one-on-one lessons (I used to do that with my Spanish lessons).

      2. Triple Anon*

        Before the internet, there was correspondence school. It was for kids who lived in remote areas or traveled a lot or, for some other reason, couldn’t get to school during normal hours. That learning model went online as more people got internet access, and it became more widespread. But it’s a natural evolution of something that’s been around for a long time.

        (I guess this was more of a reply to the OP, but your comment about skaters made me think of it.)

    7. Anonforthis*

      My son is doing online school. He’s currently in 8th grade, and will continue online throughout HS (unless he decides otherwise, we let him make that choice). We live in Florida, so he’s attending public school through Florida Virtual School. It’s really great. He has Aspergers and was often far ahead of his classmates academically but disruptive because he was bored.

  53. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The post above reminded me that we were talking about Game of Thrones on Wednesday and I wanted to continue the conversation here. “Anon of Fire and Ice” had posted this about Ned giving Cersei advance warning that he was going to out her to Robert: “Ned’s reaction comes from having already seen Robert’s approval of murdered children (Rhaenys and Aegon), willingness to have another assassinated (Daenerys), and keeping an innocent hidden for 14 years (Jon Snow). It’s not Cersei he’s trying to spare, it’s her children who are likely to be executed for their mother’s treasons.”

    This is interesting to me, because I (having recently re-watched season 1 again) have been fuming over Ned’s stupidity in tipping off Cersei. But this explanation makes sense. However, I’m arguing about it with my sister, who says that Robert ordering the killing of Targaryen children (who would grow up to threaten his throne) is a totally different thing than killing children he’d raised himself, and that it’s a stretch to think he’d do the latter. I disagree. Also! Did Robert know about Jon Snow? The above implies he did, but there’s a scene in the show (can’t remember if it’s in the books, although I stopped after the first one) where he’s asking Ned who Jon’s mother is … so I’m confused on that point. Enlighten me on all of this!

    1. catsaway*

      So I haven’t read the books since book 5 came out, but I don’t think Robert knew about Jon Snow. Well, he knew Jon Snow existed of course, but he thought that Jon was Ned’s son. That was the big secret that Ned kept for his sister, along with that Ned’s sister wasn’t kidnapped but was instead in love with which ever Targaryen brother Robert claimed kidnapped her (because Ned’s sister was engaged to Robert so her supposed kidnapping was the impetus for Robert’s rebellion).

    2. heckofabecca*

      I think what Anon of Fire and Ice meant is that Robert approved of Rhaenys and Aegon’s murder and attempted to assassinate Daenerys while *Ned* hid Jon for 14 years from Robert’s wrath because he knew what Robert would do if he found out.

      And I’m with you! Robert would absolutely kill Cersei’s children—even if he did raise them (and he didn’t seem to do much *with* them—we see very little evidence of an actual relationship with his children like Ned and Cat’s with theirs), their existence is proof of a really heinous betrayal that is both taboo and treason, not to mention humiliating to a proud, tempestuous man like Robert.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Ah, that makes much more sense — that the reference was to *Ned* hiding Jon from Robert, not that Robert knew. Because, yeah, of course Robert would have had Jon killed. Okay, that clears that up for me. Thank you!

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I think I need to continue watching GoT. I started back in February right before my tummy tuck surgery, with the plan to continue watching while recovering so I’d have something to do. Nope, didn’t happen. I watched maybe four or five episodes. I think I need to pick up on that again so I can know what everyone is talking about!

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Robert believed the lie about Jon, which is that he was Ned’s son with another woman. The whole point of hiding Jon’s identity was that Robert, his best friend, was trying to kill off any remaining Targaryen who might challenge him for the throne. That was a huge under current in the friendship between Ned and Robert, at least from Ned’s side: Ned had had reservations about Robert’s politics for quite a long time.

      I can’t say whether Robert cared much for the children he thought were his. In the books, Joffrey is the one who gave the order to have Bran murdered with that fancy knife (on the show it’s revealed to be Littlefinger). Joffrey wanted to impress Robert with a bold, warlike act, which implies that Robert was distant and might not have regarded Joffrey well. But mostly it’s not something that GRRM really addresses. He had been terrible to Cersei (her own awfulness notwithstanding) and his “children” were making weird reaches for any kind of attention.

      I remember the show scene you’re talking about. The books do a very good job of making you aware that Ned isn’t Jon’s dad without revealing any other information. I think that scene was an attempt to do the same thing.

    6. Magnetic South*

      Consider also that in the books Cersei had any of Robert’s bastards killed as soon as she found out about them (the only surviving ones being Gendry, Edric Storm and Mya Stone). I don’t think Ned knew this, however. I’m not so sure he would have warned her if he’d known about that.

    7. Lissa*

      Yes, I think Ned absolutely believed that Robert would have the children killed – whether or not he was right is up in the air but I think Ned saw it as a big enough risk he couldn’t do it. I think it ties into the Jon Snow thing where it’s a huge huge part of why Ned did what he did. But it’s all unsaid and below the surface – there are SO many things in those books that I never picked up on until I started reading online about them. I think it’s really too bad he’s slowed down so much and let people have time to basically figure everything out, because a lot of stuff in there is really very clever.

      1. RestlessRenegade*

        I agree that Ned thought Robert would have the kids killed, and I think he would have been right. A lot of characters in the books are horrified at the idea of offspring from incest, and that compounded with Robert being cuckolded? Yeah, I think he might have had them all executed. Probably resulting in a war…things would have probably gone better for Ned though!

    8. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Robert didn’t know about Jon – Ned had promised his sister Lyanna to keep that a secret. He even mutters “I kept my promise” right before his execution.

      “Listen to me, Ned. His name is [unclear]… if Robert finds out, he’ll kill him. You know he will. You have to protect him. Promise me, Ned. Promise me”. – Lyanna to Ned in the Tower of Joy

    9. Mike C.*

      Robert has no idea about Jon Snow, and there’s a bit in the very first episode that shows Ned lying to Robert about this. It starts with Catlynn telling Bran “I know when you’re lying, you always look down at your feet.” In a later scene you see Ned confirming to Robert that “there are no other Targarians left in Westeros”, and he’s clearly looking down at his feet.

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      Worst: My employer changed health insurance companies, and the new company is making life extremely difficult for my husband and I. My problems are certainly less life-threatening- I need a prior authorization form for my Adderall (apparently the nurse practitioner having prescribed it isn’t enough of a prior authorization) and to switch BC brands. The real issue is that my husband is a type I (juvenile, insulin-dependent) diabetic and this insurance company will not pay a dime for insulin until we have met our deductible. Which we will meet fairly quickly if we have to pay out of pocket for insulin, as it’s $500 for two vials, and two vials really isn’t a lot. It’s not like we have tons of money laying around since he’s in grad school and I’m basically an adjunct professor but we’ll find a way to pay for it because the other option is not an option. So in my opinion the American healthcare system can go f itself.

      Best: My new haircut is awesome. I wanted something more androgynous/masculine, but didn’t want to come out and say so because I’m in a rural, conservative area. I just said I wanted it shorter (it was already pretty short) and the stylist did a great job. It’s quite short on the sides (she used the clippers) and long enough to style on the top. I am so happy with how my hair looks.

      1. WellRed*

        Type 1 here. Sorry to hear this! It’s too late for this year, but can you sit down with HR or whoever and ask them to consider adding drug coverage to the plan? On ours, we have a preventive drug formulary and if your drug is on it, you pay a copay, no need to meet deductible. Insulin is on it, but I whiteknuckle it every year to see if our plan changes. We have such a high deductible I’d be homeless or dead.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          That’s the weird thing – for the drugs I take there is a copay, I don’t need to have met the deductible. So for some unfathomable reason the insurance company treats insulin differently. I work for a small liberal-arts college, one that is worried about money, so I am not optimistic that they would consider changing anything about our health insurance plan. Hopefully I’ll have a new job in the fall, which would probably help.

          1. Kuododi*

            If you have access to the big box stores…(Sam’s, Costco…) It would be worth a phone call to check out of pocket price at their pharmacy. It isn’t necessary to have a membership to use the pharmacy and savings is significant!!!(ie my out of pocket for anti nausea med my insurance refuses to cover is only $21for a 30 day supply. Retail out of pocket for this med is $150). Good luck… hope this helps!!!

            1. Dr. KMnO4*

              We will definitely check that out! There’s a Costco not too far away, so it would be good if we could get insulin there. Thank you for the tip!

              1. Kuododi*

                Hope it helps!!!! I feel your pain…my internist and I have filed a plethora of appeals and counter appeals to get that antinausea medicine I use covered by insurance…. nightmare from Dante’s Purgatory!!! I finally gave up beating my head against the wall and went to Costco pharmacy. Actually cheaper than the copay I would have had to pay with the insurance. Best wishes!!!!

          2. Pharmgirl88*

            Not sure which insulins your husband is on, but if there is a Walmart near you I’d definitely check them out. Their insulin (some of the types at least) is pretty affordable, or it used to be.

      2. Addy*

        Have you looked at One Drop? They have really great subscription plans for test strips and an awesome meter. We save money on supplies and then are able to put that toward insulin.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          Thankfully test strips aren’t a big expenditure for him right now. When he was still on his parents’ insurance they sent him approximately 1 billion test strips. There are many, many, many unopened boxes of test strips and pump supplies in our closet. I will let him know about One Drop though, it sounds like something he might be able to use.

      1. Stormy*

        Same! I have not seen the sun during my commute in months. I need to wrap up my day earlier this time of year.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I saw daylight coming up on the horizon at 6:40 am. But I am way south of London.

        I did find these maps that switch continents. It’s neat. It takes cities on the N. American continent and puts them on the same latitude on an European map and visa versa. Paris is north of the Canadian boarder? REALLY? England is north of Vancouver? How did I not realize this.

        Link in my reply to this post.

          1. London Calling*

            And London is the same latitude as Kiev and if the British Isles didn’t have the Gulf stream we’d have the same sort of winters as Russia.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              ooo- interesting. Now that Gulf stream is a blessing and a curse right? As in too much moisture?

              1. London Calling*

                Dunno if it affects the rainfall but the relatively warm waters of the North Atlantic Drift are responsible for moderating the climate of western Europe, so that winters are less cold than would otherwise be expected at its latitude. Without the warm North Atlantic Drift, the UK and other places in Europe would be as cold as Canada, at the same latitude. And thank God for it, I say. Russian-style winters would finish me off. I recall my grandfather saying in his 70s that each year he found winter harder and harder and now I’m in my 60s I can appreciate what he meant.

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  Yeah, the long periods of darkness are not fun. And that is only scratching the surface of all that we are up against in winter. I hear ya.

        1. London Calling*

          It is a fabulous exhibition and there is so much to see – we spet nearly three hours in there and I didn’t have the expected attack of museum feet, which means I need to get out and sit down. Unfortunately it’s only on for two months as a lot of the exhibits belong to the Royal Collection and they are needed for the summer when the palaces open to the public.

  55. nep*

    Saw a great video the other day on LinkedIn — pointing out that those lined areas next to handicap parking spaces are not for shopping carts, motorcycles, half your car, or anything else. Good reminder. (Yesterday I moved three shopping carts out of that lined area. Thanks to the video, will do that from now on.)

    1. Mimmy*

      Yup – those are called access aisles. It allows a wheelchair user to maneuver out of their van. I’m not a wheelchair user but have many friends who do are. I’m sure most people are familiar with the signage indicating handicapped parking (the trend is leaning towards calling it “accessible” parking), but I don’t think it’s common knowledge that the lines next to those parking spaces are not for parking, shopping carts, etc. At least in my state (NJ), the signage only denotes an accessible parking space and the fine for violations.

    2. Anono-me*

      Lots (But not all) of the time the carts are being left by people with limited mobility who were legitimately parked in the handicapped spot. Not enough spoons to take the cart to the corral and then walk unassisted back to their vehicle. (And not enough hands to manage a walker and a cart at the same time.)

        1. Anono-me*

          I think that you are wonderful for doing this.

          I just ment that the people leaving the carts are probably not unwonderful . Otherwise seeing all those carts left in the access aisle of handicapped parking spots would be a depressing view of people.

  56. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m doing pretty well today. I’m really glad it’s the weekend. I slept in a lot.

    Doing a decent job socializing, using the SAD light therapy lamp, getting to bed on time. I’m exercising enough though I’d like to establish more of a routine.

    I’m sleeping a LOT. I think it’s a combination of the new job and starting to commute by bike–my muscle strength is pretty good after lifting weights for most of 2017 but my endurance levels are apparently not ready to handle a 16 mile round trip with hills. I think I just need to keep working at it but I think the adjustment period will be rough.

    I’m also just feeling mentally exhausted a lot but I think that will get better.

    How are you doing?

    1. nep*

      Pushing myself outside the comfort zone to go somewhere this evening — the going out, the social interaction, and the nighttime driving = huge challenge. Provided all goes OK and I make it back safe and sound, know I’ll be glad when it’s over — glad it’s over and glad I did it.

    2. Almost Violet Miller*

      I really like this thread, feels good to do a summary each weekend.

      I have been sick with a cold, I’m still not feeling well, and this illness has also marked my mood.

      Struggling with: finishing up an application. There is still so much to write and one of my chosen references was discouraging me so I’m not as confident as I was a month ago. I am also 2+ months after a break up and still have some moments of sadness. Sundays are the worst so not looking forward to tomorrow.

      Proud of: I called not one but two repairmen and scheduled maintenance with them. Went to bed relatively early. Ate home-made lunch three days in row. Did mindfulness homework pretty regularly. Vacuumed my apartment.

      Well done to you for using your therapy lamp! When do you use it? I started using mine in the mornings while getting ready or during breakfast but none of these habits stuck. Do you have any advice?

    3. DrWombat*

      Currently trying to practice self-care while doing some dissertation edits that involve a ton of fiddly edits. Also massively embarrassed that I haven’t really had time to do more than minimal cleaning lately because dissertation and then exhaustion, but a friend is coming by to fix my computer. When you add that to the pile of moving boxes in the corner….*sighs* I’m also having preemptive homesickness re moving, even though I am super excited. My friend’s kid was unhappy to hear I was graduating and moving, and asked why I couldn’t just get a job in town instead. That was an emotional punch to the gut as well, I admit.

      But my job interview went really well and I am excited to be graduating, so there’s that ^^ Also congrats on the happy mood lamp, I love mine

    4. Bad Candidate*

      I’m doing meh. I’m changing meds and not up to the full dose on the new one yet, so that’s affecting me. I found out I didn’t get a job this week that I thought I had a really good shot at. And I’m really missing home. We moved away 9.5 years ago and I’ve never grown to like our new city. I hate it and want to move home. :(

    6. Shrunken Hippo*

      My depression has been pretty bad this week. My physical pain has gotten worse and it makes me feel like I’ll never be able to work again or be productive in any way. I feel very useless and I just want to give up sometimes.

      My medication has been working well so there are no super dark thoughts, but I’m still pretty bummed out. Thankfully I get to look after a few dogs for two weeks starting next Saturday. I could use some doggy cuddles right now.

    7. ADHD*

      I posted below with a bit about my situation. I have ADHD. It got so bad that I was fired from my job. The person I shared an office with quit rather than deal with me. Her replacement went to management and was threatening to leave. My work had to get a lawyer involved. My boyfriend called off the wedding. I alienated many family and friends because I went into bridezilla mode because of how out of control I was.

      I realized it is all on me and they are right and not to blame. I am living with my parents and I have an appointment with a new doctor. This has been a wake-up call for me. I know I need to do better. I don’t want to be like this. Regardless of my ADHD no one deserved how I acted to them.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am very impressed with your positive steps forward. I hope your path becomes easier very soon.

    8. Ramona Flowers*

      Glad you’re doing well and finding the lamp helpful.

      I haven’t had any panic attacks this week and the adrenaline-pumping-heart-attack-feeling in my chest has subsided a bit. I’m kind of depressed though I think. Earlier I put laundry in and then cried at having to take it out. Husband is abroad for work and I’m just about holding stuff together right now. Just.

      Being at work is good. I did a massive public speaking thing the other day which went really well. And also yesterday I actually bothered to cook a big load of pasta with tuna and pesto – enough to feed me today too.

    10. Tris Prior*

      I’m struggling a lot with disordered eating this week. I’m in therapy, but while my therapist has been good with helping with the issues I started seeing her for (mainly anxiety around a toxic elderly parent), she seems flummoxed over how to help me with this. She actually suggested Weight Watchers, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t help with “I feel like a disgusting whale even though I know intellectually that I am thin and cannot stop restricting my food” – if I’m wrong about that, please chime in.

      I can’t afford a second therapist – can barely afford this one even with insurance – and I don’t want to quit her because she is helping with the family stuff and honestly it feels exhausting to have to start over on that front with a new therapist and explain that whole mess again. I guess my only alternative is a support group, maybe? The thought of having to add Yet Another thing to my life to try and manage my mental health also feels exhausting right now, though.

      1. fposte*

        Do you think that you might be able to ask her to do a little homework? Not in those words, necessarily, but “I feel like when we talked about my food issue you weren’t hearing the disorder underlying it, and I’d really like more support on that. Even though that’s not your regular beat, would you be willing to look into some modalities for that and help me?”

        1. Tris Prior*

          Maybe?

          The part I didn’t mention is that my therapist is morbidly obese. So I admit I’m not really comfortable telling her that I feel fat, you know?

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        I think fposte’s suggestion is an excellent one. And I’m sorry, as evidently her fumbling for something eating related resulted in a suggestion that wasn’t helpful – that sounds really difficult.

        Are these things definitely separate? The anxiety about your parent that she’s helping you with, and your issues with food? Because sometimes eating problems can be a way of channeling anxiety (and very often they are about things other than food) or even a wonky coping mechanism, in that while they are causing us harm in some way they are also part of how we are coping.

        There are other options too. It all depends on what feels right for you, for example an online community or a self-help resource or a helpline. Here in the UK we have an organisation called b-eat and maybe there is something similar there.

        Going back to your therapist, I think it is worth telling her how you felt when she suggested that. Sometimes strange things happen in the therapy process and when you bring something up the response is: wow, that happened as part of the psychological process occurring between us. Other times it is that your therapist is not the right fit. I think it is important to know she is open to discussing how you feel and also to doing some research as fposte suggests.

        A second therapist isn’t recommended as it can be harmful for you to be in treatment with two people (as they can sort of work against each other*), so that definitely isn’t something to pursue – but starting over with a new one might not be as exhausting as you expect (or it might, I’ve had both experiences).

        *This is often covered by therapists’ ethical guidelines

    11. Ramona Flowers*

      I can’t believe I said I was going to make baked oats. It took me until 7pm to get out of my bed today. Oops.

    12. Lindsay J*

      Good: I have more motivation to do stuff than I have in ages. I’ve disengaged from the internet a bit and am spending more time doing things like painting, gardening, cooking etc. I even went to the gym last week.

      Bad: I was completely wiped out this week. I went to sleep way early one day (like 7PM early), and this weekend I spent most of my time sleeping. Like I went to bed early Friday night again. Woke up early to go to a mandatory meeting for my community garden on Saturday so was awake from 8am-noon. Then slept like the rest of the day. Woke up for another few hours at night from like 8pm-12am. Then went back to sleep. Woke up like 9AM Sunday, then took a nap from like noon-3PM. Not great.

      In general, it’s been sort of an odd week. I’m not sure if it’s validating or terrifying that every doctor I have been to in the past two weeks has confirmed that there are probably physical reasons beyond depression that I am tired and miserable all the time.

      ENT says I need sinus surgery so I can breath correctly. Endocrinologist says I have nodules on my thyroid and most likely have Hashimoto’s. Dentist says that based on the structure of my tongue and mouth/throat area he is almost certain that I have sleep apnea.

  57. DanaScully*

    I have a smart bulb question.

    I mentioned a few weeks back that I wasn’t reacting to the Lumie dawn simulator I bought, and I’m disappointed to say that I’m still not reacting to the light.

    My girlfriend really likes the sunrise and sunset features and doesn’t want me to send the Lumie back, but I’ve done some research into smart bulbs and it seems some of them have inbuilt sunrise/sunset options. At the moment I’m looking at the Philips Hue starter kit.

    I’m a total smart bulb novice, so can any of you advise which set up you have, whether sunset/sunrise is an option on yours, and how well it works generally? Thank you!

    1. Pharmgirl88*

      I missed your last post – but I have the phillips wake-up light and I love it! It took a few days for me to wake up with it, and part of it had to do with positioning, so definitely make sure it’s set up so the light hits you. I don’t have mine facing me directly, but sort of facing the foot of my bed (I don’t like to see the clock feature in the middle of the night). It has the sunrise option, and I have it set up for a gradual “sunrise” over 30 minutes. I don’t use the sound option (I use my regular phone alarm for that).

      I’m not sure if the light you have is similar to mine, but hope this helps!

  58. Free Meerkats*

    The pink has nearly completely faded in my beard. :( We didn’t get any heat on it while processing, so that’s not a big surprise. And it’s faded some in my hair, too.

    I have some color adding shampoo that a friend who always has bright colors recommended on the way. Next time I’m going to have the stylist strip my hair first, then try to get heat on my beard.

    I’ve decided to keep the pink.

    1. Hrovitnir*

      Awesome! Semi-permanents definitely stick way better to bleached hair. I also leave it in far longer than you’re likely to get at a salon (think hours – if we’re talking vege-based eyes like Directions/Fudge etc). You can always do more at home as well as colour in the shampoo/conditioner (you can literally add a small amount of product to any conditioner and it’ll do the job).

      Also, have you been warned about washing it as little as possible/using shampoo as little as possible/using cold water to wash? I had bright red hair for the longest time and it makes a *huge* difference to longevity.

      I currently have green hair, it’s really hot here (southern hemisphere), I go to the gym 3x week, and have to wash my hair every day at work. I’m doing a LOT of cold water, water-or-conditioner only washes!

    2. Forking Great Username*

      If you want a color adding conditioner as well, I’ve had good experiences with the brand overtone!

      1. Raine*

        Seconding Overtone. I colored my dark brown hair to a burgundy/merlot color using only their color conditioners and no bleach. It holds very well and isn’t damaging to hair (plus doesn’t fade like semi perm dye does from hot showers).

    3. Triple Anon*

      In my experience, unnatural color dyes wash out fasher than natural color ones. I’m not sure why.

      The speed at which it fades is roughly proportionate to the number of times you shampoo it. If you can gradually switch to shampooing less frequently, it will last longer. Use a color safe conditioner on the no shampoo days. And a color safe shampoo. Avoid hair products that aren’t designed for color treated hair; they’ll wash the dye out.

      Also, color is pretty easy to do at home, especially if it’s just a touch up. That chain with the woman’s name (a name that was popular in the 1950’s) has good prices.

      Some brands of the “fun colors” aren’t as bad for your hair as natural color dyes. That means you can leave it in longer, which helps it to last longer. Heat also helps, as you mentioned. And you can get color sealer, which is a treatment that supposedly helps it to last longer. I don’t know how much it actually helps, but it only costs a few dollars.

  59. BRR*

    Luggage. I’m in need of a new carry on. There seems to be so many selections and varying opinions I really don’t know where to start. Any suggestions or reccoemndations? Looking for a moderate priced one. I only travel a handful of times a year.

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      If you’re looking for a little rolly suitcase I found one at a TJ Maxx that was a great deal. It is bright green, Ralph Lauren, and was like $50. It’s held up well and I bought it probably 5 or 6 years ago. Obviously YMMV with TJ Maxx, but overstock stores like that are a good place to check.

      1. Totally Minnie*

        TJ Maxx style stores are GREAT for luggage. You can get really good prices, and they usually have distinctive colors and patterns so you can tell right away which suitcase is yours.

        If you’ve got a TJ Maxx, Ross, Marshall’s, or Burlington Coat Factory in your area, definitely check their luggage section.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          This! I love luggage. I need to stay away from there because I always want a new suitcase and I have tons! I don’t need more, especially since I never go anywhere. :)

    3. periwinkle*

      What do you consider moderately priced? I have a Travelpro Maxlite 4 22″ rolling bag which is durable and expandable. The price has dropped since I bought mine three years ago since the models with spinner wheels have become more popular, but I always check my bag when I fly (4-6 times a year) and don’t think spinners would fare as well! Anyway, the Maxlite 4 is now $85-$90 at Amazon, depending on color. Love this bag, would buy again without hesitation. Judging by the amount of fur I have to brush off before each trip, it also makes a fine cat bed.

      1. Elizabeth H.*

        I have the spinner version of that bag which I got for $100 on Amazon close to 4 years ago and it is the greatest bag ever. I’ve taken it on many international trips and it is still in fantastic condition, although I treat mine really nicely, haven’t checked it very many times, wipe it off and pack carefully etc. I will say that after almost 4 years the wheels are a bit worn and it doesn’t spin quite so smoothly, but when I first got it it was so spinny that it would spin away from me on any kind of slightly slanted surface or just a really smooth surface! But the outside doesn’t show wear and I think it’s absolutely the perfect size bag, I especially love the capacious front pocket which is the right size to hold a full-size newspaper with room and can actually hold a huge volume of stuff and keep it nice and flat – I usually keep file folders with documents, a couple of newspapers, articles or magazines or something in there and can still include personal items like tea, vitamins and stuff like that. I cannot say enough good things about the 22″ Travelpro maxlite spinner and highly recommend it to everyone!

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have an eBag brand 22” TLS expandable carry-on that I really like. It’s sturdy but fairly light. Available at ebags.com.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I went on a mini-vacation in December with my daughter. We found her an eBag swivel carry-on sized bag at Ross Dress for Less, for $30. Has the lock built in to the bag and everything. She loved it. I loved the price.

    5. awb*

      If you’re close to a Kohl’s, Sears, or TJMAXX I would highly recommend checking out their selection of Samsonite and Travelpros. I generally find they have signifciantly discounted prices on suitcases. Oftentimes they’re just not the most recent iteration but are still great and very reliable. I recommend swinging by the bedding section first to pick up a few sets of sheets to stick in the suitcases so you can test how maneuverable or stable it is when full. I have a Samsonite rollaboard and Travepro checked bags, all have held up amazingly to abuse and regular international trips.

    6. CAA*

      Do you need a U.S. or European sized roll aboard? 2 wheels or 4? I was nervous that my U.S-sized bag might be too big to carry on when we went to Europe last year, so I got one by “it luggage” (Los Angeles model), which is super light and worked very well. I paid about $50 at Amazon.

      1. BRR*

        I’d like a four wheel and while I don’t have any trips to Europe planned, I have dreams of more international travel.

        And thank you everyone for your responses! I’ll have to make a trip to tjmaxx or Ross.

  60. The Other Dawn*

    What’s everyone reading (or planning to read) this week?

    I’m working on the third book in the Century trilogy: Edge of Eternity by Ken Follett. I’m finding it hard to get through. After reading the two previous books, it’s just SO MUCH war and politics. And I’m finding it a little harder to follow now that it’s the third generation of characters. I’ll finish it, but it’s going slowly. Plus, I know that A Column of Fire (Ken Follett) is waiting for me, so I’m trying to get through EoE as fast as I can. I started reading ACoF while I was waiting for the library loan on EoE and just as I was getting really into it, EoE became available again so I had to stop. Since I was on a wait list I didn’t want to chance losing it and having to wait again.

    After those two books, it’s onto the new novel in the Pendergast series. Then I might try the Little House books.

    1. nep*

      I’m still working through Middlemarch. (Past month or so I’ve not been reading nearly as much as I’d like to.)
      I don’t love it thus far, but there is enough I do like to make me stick with it.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I’m reading Middlemarch too! I keep telling my husband that I’m enjoying it, but have no idea what it’s about.

        1. nep*

          That about sums it up for me right now.
          It’s like a book I keep going back to by Rebecca West — I read it sporadically so it’s tough to stay with any thread…but damn once in a while I come across a line that’s just astounding and profound and beautifully written, and keeps me wanting more.

    3. Lcsa99*

      I’m about halfway through Agatha Christie’s Three Act Tragedy. I generally don’t like Poirot as much as the rest of her stuff, but this is fun.

    4. Canadian Natasha*

      I recently purchased the book “Little Girls” published in the 70s by an Italian woman named Elena Belotti (who ran the Montessori school in Rome). It’s a study of the ways that sex roles are programmed for/into children (both boys and girls, despite the title) from pre-birth through the first several years of life. Some of it is specific to that era and culture but there’s a lot if interesting carry-over themes so far. I started it earlier but am hoping to have a chance to read more this weekend.

    5. Overeducated*

      I’m reading The Irrational Season by Madeleine L’Engle. I picked it up at a used bookstore six years ago and couldn’t get into it, but right now is the right time. It’s essays about faith and death and family all woven together and I don’t have any outlet in my life for existential discussions right now so it is such a relief and comfort to read.

    6. Red Reader*

      I’ve been rereading the Wrinkle in Time books. Edge of Eternity has been on my list for a while, but it’s been long enough since I read the first two that I probably need to go back and reread those first.

      I also have a mild hankering to do a reread of Harry Turtledove’s Timeline-191 series – alternative history series that basically starts with the premise that the Confederate States of America did not lose the Civil War in 1865, then progresses through the next ~80 years in world history reflecting how that could’ve gone, using actual historical events as a loose basis. So I might start that this week too.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I think you might be lost reading Edge of Eternity so long after the others. Only because it’s now the third generation and it’s getting hard to remember who is the child of whom, etc. I really wish there was more about the first and second generations, as it would be nice to see what happened to them, but there are just some small mentions here and there. Still a good book, just SLOWWWWW to get through for me.

      2. Al Lo*

        I’m in a Madeleine L’Engle re-read phase right now. She’s long been my favourite author, but it’s been several years since I read through all her stuff. I recently finished the Katherine Vigneras duo, and am just finishing up “The Other Side of the Sun.” I might tackle the Crosswicks Journals or the Austins next. I found ebooks of two L’Engle books I haven’t read, which is a treat! “Ilsa” and “The Joys of Love” — so maybe I’ll dig into those soon.

    8. Mrs. Fenris*

      I liked The Edge of Eternity ok, but it was oddly edited. I don’t know why he spent about 50 pages on the Cuban missile crisis, but dispensed with the entire 1970s in a page or two.

      You know, I had never read all of the Little House books when I was a kid. I reread the first few and then went ahead and read The Long Winter. They are heartwarming and appalling all at once. It’s disconcerting to read about so much hardship and isolation from a child’s happy, optimistic voice.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        That’s about where I am now, the Cuban missile crisis. I’m really looking forward to finishing so I can move on the A Column of Fire.

        I’ve only ever seen the Little House on the Prairie TV show (and I just bought the DVD set!), which is what is making me want to read the books.

        1. Magnetic South*

          The TV show is very very very loosely based on the books. You will find a LOT of differences. The Little House books are a comfort-reading favorite of mine, and have been since I was little. I’ve a whole bookshelf devoted to the books, several biographies, and a few literary essay collections discussing the works.

          Mrs. Fenris, you should check out Pioneer Girl: the Annotated Autobiography, Laura’s original manuscript. She left out a good deal when she rewrote it into the book series!

      2. The Curator*

        Off topic yet on…In our archive we have a letter from the author complaining about how easy “kids today” have it and expounding on the necessity of self-reliance.

    9. CAA*

      Just finished Deanna Raybourn’s 3rd book in the Veronica Speedwell series, “A Treacherous Curse”. I thought this was the best one so far.

      Now I’m about to start a series by Kate Rhodes that’s been on my TBR pile for a while. It’s about Alice Quentin, a female forensic psychiatrist in present day London.

      I also read the Preston/Child Pendergast book last week. For some reason I saw right through that mystery and as a result I just didn’t enjoy it as much as some of their others. I usually quite like their books though and will look forward to the next one.

    10. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m reading The Angel of Darkness by Caleb Carr. It’s the sequel to The Alienist, while I loved (except I keep forgetting to watch the show). It’s pretty good.

      I loved the Little House books. I read mine so much as a kid they fell apart (especially Farmer Boy and The Long Winter). I’ve actually been thinking about The Long Winter this week because we got so much snow.

    11. AnonEMoose*

      I’ve been on a bit of a Tudor kick lately. I finished Alison Weir’s novel about Anne Boleyn, and then found one from the library (that I could download to my Kindle) called “The Boleyn King.” The premise is that, instead of having a miscarriage in early 1536, Anne Boleyn produced a healthy son, who is now an adult. It’s a very fun read, and I’m looking forward to the second and third books.

      I finally caved and got a Kindle not long ago, and I am loving being able to borrow books from the library for it. The interface is really easy. I can put stuff I want to read on hold if it’s not currently available, and once it becomes available, it gets automatically checked out to me, so I just have to log in and tell the system to send it to my Kindle. It’s awesome…and much easier to carry around than the thick books I often like to read.

      1. Friday*

        A Column of Fire is set in Tudor England! Starts with Mary’s reign and it’s very interesting so far.

    12. Clever Name*

      I recently started Outlander. It’s decent, but I don’t think it’s especially well-written. I started it right after finishing All the Light We Cannot See, and I think it’s the most lyrically written book I’ve ever read. Truly transformative. So reading Outlander was a bit of a shock to the system. I also think the main character isn’t especially likable.

      On a related note, I mentioned in passing enjoying Ren Fests to someone, and he said with a smirk, “Oh, you’ve read Outlander.” I looked him square in the eye and said I’ve never read it and have been going to Ren Faires for over 20 years because I have a soft spot for bagpipe music.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        I thought the first book was ok, but didn’t really feel the need to read any of the sequels. Your mileage may vary, of course!

      2. All Hail Queen Sally*

        I am also reading the Outlander series now. I am in the middle of the second book. I wish the author would have described in more detail the daily life of the period. I think that a normal person from the future would have been more surprised/shocked/concerned at some of the practices. Claire just seems so accepting of everything. (I have not seen the TV series.)

    13. Pharmgirl88*

      It’s been years, but I really enjoyed Ken Follett’s “Jackdaws.” I keep wanting to read his other works, but I always forget until I’m reminded by threads like these.

      Right now I’m trying to work through some of Alison’s weekly recommendations…might still be on 2015 though! I just finished Emma and right now I’m reading Packing for Mars.

    14. Merci Dee*

      I have a voracious appetite for fiction anthologies, and i just started a collection by Amy Cross last night, Twisted Little Things & Other Tales. I’ve enjoyed some of Amy Cross’s other books, as well. She often writes horror/suspense/mystery serials, but I wait until the story has been completed and released in a single volume. That’s how I caught her book Devil’s Briar, and I really enjoyed it.

      Also, I’m a fan of books by the writers of the Scare Street group. Ron Ripley’s Berkley Street series was great, and I loved the Blach Eyed Children series by Sara Clancy.

    15. Raine*

      Currently vacillating between Anthropology of Turquoise by Ellen Meloy, who is one of my greatest writing inspirations, and Hillbilly Elegy by J. D. Vance, which I don’t have an opinion on yet.

  61. Dr. KMnO4*

    Three weeks from today I will be attending my 3rd consecutive Cider Summit in Chicago! As someone with celiac, I was so happy when I discovered the amazing and gluten-free world of hard cider. The Cider Summit is an event at Navy Pier with ciders from all around the world. I’ve found new ciders I wouldn’t have known about if it hadn’t been for this event. Some of the varieties are very interesting – last year I had a Lemon Basil hard cider.

    The last two years I’ve gone with my husband, and this year one of my best friends will be joining us! Since my husband is the designated driver and a diabetic he doesn’t drink much at the event, so I get a lot of his tickets. Who knows, I might get some of my friend’s tickets too…heheheheheheh

    Anyways, are there any Chicago-area AAMers who are planning to go? I’ve got tickets for the early session! It would be fun to meet people. :)

    1. DrWombat*

      Not Chicago area myself, but will be passing that along to Chicago area folks I know! I also have celiac ^^ You may also find this amusing then – last night, was discussing sorghum-based GF beer being pretty gross in my opinion, and I started mock grumbling “They make better booze in Salt Lake City! Smith & Forge cider, hammered from apples by Mormon dwarves!” Much laughter ensued. There is also a very good cider bar in Long Beach CA if you ever get to that side of the country.

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        That’s hilarious! I love dwarves, and Smith & Forge is AMAZING! I didn’t know it was from Salt Lake City, I’ll have to go there someday. Thanks for the tip about Long Beach, I don’t know if it’s near LA, but my brother lives there and I’d like to go visit him at some point. I am always on the lookout for cider bars. In my current neck of the woods (rural Indiana) I’m lucky if bars have the Miller of ciders, Angry Orchard.

        Pro tip: Avoid Lemon Basil cider unless you LOVE LOVE LOVE the flavor of basil. The first few sips were good, but the basil taste quickly took over.

        Do you have a favorite cider? My taste leans sweet, so I like Strongbow, Smith&Forge, Iceman, and all of the different CiderBoys varieties (especially Apple/Peach and Apple/Pineapple).

        1. DrWombat*

          Long Beach is an LA suburb. ^^ Two really good GF restaurants at least, so worth the trip maybe? (I was there for a convention and it was within a short walk of the Courtyard Mariott in Long Beach) There is also an excellent GF crepe place near the cider bar. And the cider bar has GF mac and cheese! Highly recced – they also had one that I forget the name of but it was like drinking apple pie, and they do mead and sake flights as well. They even had earl grey flavored cider that my friend loved.

          Smith & Forge is a favorite, but I love the Ace Cider summer Marionberry flavor the best. I had hibiscus apple cider once that was also very good, I forget the brand. But I tend to go on the sweeter side anyways ^^ I haven’t tried Iceman or CiderBoys, but I will next time I get a chance. Thanks for the rec! Also if you ever get near Sebastopol CA, that’s where Ace Cider is – the tasting room has very limited hours but might be worth the trip!

          1. Dr. KMnO4*

            I will definitely check it out if I get to LA! Ace Ciders are very good, my fave is Ace Space, the blood orange cider, but I also love Ace Pineapple.

            FYI: Iceman is sold in champagne-style bottles, and it’s made by Angry Orchard. There’s a trio: Iceman, Muse, and Strawman. Iceman and Muse are sweet, Strawman not as much.

    2. Lindsay J*

      Oooh this sounds cool. I just don’t like the taste of beer, but I do like Cider.

      If you are ever looking for new brands to try, there are two Texas brands I like. The Austin Eastciders cider is very good – specifically their honey (and I see you mention you like sweet as well). Bishop’s Cider Co has a bunch of cool flavors. I like Crackberry a lot. They also have a pineapple cider which is pretty sweet.

      As for Cider bars, Bishop’s runs a place called the Cidercade in the Dallas area, which is like a Cider Bar/Arcade in one. They have pretty much everything they make on tap, along with a couple guest ciders.

  62. Dulcinea*

    I am setting up a home office and I really want a high quality ocr compatible scanner with a large volume auto feed. It should also. E a laser printer and in a perfect world, a fax machine. ( I’m a lawyer and I often receive thick piles of documents from clients which I need to be able to quickly scan to PDF). My employer isn’t paying fir it cause WFH isn’t a job requirement. The cheapest well-reviewed machines I’ve seen so far are about $500 and I’m wondering g if anyone knows anywhere in the Boston area where I can get this type of thing gently-used/ cheaper. Also would be greatful for specific model recommendations. TIA!

    1. Nicole*

      Would something like this work? Brother is such a great brand. Our first printer is 13 years old and still going strong. We gave it to a family member when we upgraded to a wireless printer. Both are made by Brother and they work flawlessly.

      Brother Compact Monochrome Laser All-in-One Multi-function Printer, MFCL2750DW, 2.7-Inch Color Touchscreen, Single-Pass Duplex Copy & Scan, Wireless & NFC, Cloud-Based Printing & Scanning https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0763X6TCW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_suoBAb63KTMNQ

      1. Red Reader*

        I have a similar one – I think mine is one notch down from this one – and it works great. :)

    2. Observer*

      Consider getting a separate scanner and printer if you have the space. In my experience, flatbed scanners with sheet feeders tend to jam more often than good stand alone scanners.

      Fujitsu has great scanners, and it comes with OCR software.

  63. Free Meerkats*

    A couple of unrelated life things.

    Rolex 24 at Daytona! Just waiting for the F1 season in March.

    Put a new spread on the bed yesterday. Within 2 hours, a cat barfed on it…

    Glad I repaired the fabric carport Thursday, today it’s blowing 15, gusting 30.

    The fabric for the Worldcon costumes is here! The test pieces are finished and fitted, time to work on the actual costumes. The pink is for the one in making, a seamstress friend will be using the yellow and orange – that one isn’t a competition costume, so *I* don’t have to make it.
    https://www.instagram.com/p/BeRl5mAn9uJ/

    1. Merci Dee*

      Go forth and sleep in peace. Your new bed spread has been baptised…..

      (This sounds like something my cat would do.)

  65. DrWombat*

    Anyone have tips for moving on short notice? Last time I moved I had like 6 months to prep….now I have to find a subletter and get everything sorted by the end of March, while finishing up dissertation edits. I was debating using U-Pack, but idk if my landlady will allow me to keep a pod in the parking lot, as it’s not assigned parking. But also just, how do you sort everything on short notice? I’ll have to rent a house sight unseen as well (moving to the TX panhandle). I’ll need to change banks, too, as my credit union isn’t in TX. So current list is find a good place while trying to find a subletter, sell furniture I am not taking, and then also arrange for utilities, internet, new credit union, moving….it just all feels so overwhelming, even with my mom helping as best as she can. Anyone have tips re how to do this in a short timeframe? I at least do have plenty of boxes – the local grocery store has a bin of boxes people can grab.

    Thanks!

    1. paul*

      Hah, that’s my part of the world!

      If you can, you might try using a real estate agent to help you find a decent rental property. There’s a fair few spectacularly bad landlords around here. Speaking from experience there. I spent almost a year with a hole in my apartment ceiling before our lease was up…and that was at the *nice* apartment we moved into from a worse one! Capital Income Properties is the *pits* to deal with, or was back then anyway so I’d personally steer clear of properties they manage.

      We used to have accounts at Pantex Federal Credit Union and they were nice but they’re *only* in Borger, Fritch and Pampa so we eventually closed out our accounts there. Amarillo Federal Credit Union is supposed to be good but I’ve never had accounts there; they’re in Potter, Randall and Gray counties.

      the panhandle’s a fairly big region; if you’re in Amarillo you’ll have decent shopping options but if you’re outside of the Amarillo/Canyon area it’ll be a drive to find a lot in the way of services or shopping, particularly for furniture or appliances.

      1. DrWombat*

        I’ll be in Amarillo – I’ve been looking on trulia and zillow right now re renting a house (I want to get a dog, so a yard is preferable). My mom renovates houses for a living so she’s helping, but I can see if she’d be willing to contact a real estate agent on my behalf as well (her work hours are more flexible than mine right now and she’s offered to help). Thanks for the warning re Capital Income Properties! Any other companies to steer clear of? My future boss has offered to check out a few places for me too, if needed. I’ll look into Amarillo Federal as well, thanks!

        1. paul*

          Honestly no, that’s the last one I rented from.

          I bought a house in 08 so I’m kind of out of touch with the details of the rental markets here in general. There’s been a ton of apartment complexes going up lately but they seem mostly kind of pricey. One of my coworkers is apartment hunting right now and was cussing the pricing of places this week. Seems like rent’s gone up a lot in the last few years which is problematic because our median household income is pretty crappy.

          Amarillo’s got a surprisingly good amount of decent restaurants for a city this size, the Amarillo Little Theater does some good plays, the Globe-News performing arts has a fair amount of symphonies and stuff there (not my bag but it’s well regarded if you like that) and we’ve got some good outdoors places if you like the outdoors–everyone’ll tell you to go to Palo Duro (and it is awesome) but Buffalo Lake is cool too and a lot less crowded. Alibates and Lake Meredith out towards Borger have some good hiking and boating too. McBride Canyon in that area’s got some really neat hiking, but wear orange during deer season.

          For some reason TXDOT and the city gov’t have decided that needed all new roads at the same time so literally every major road in town is torn up right now and has been for the last year…it’s frustrating as hell. Our city transit is a bad joke, so plan to have a car.

          For utilities, it’s Excel for electric and Atmos for gas; there’s not other options and believe me those companies know we have no choice and DGAF. For ISPs…you can do AT&T for DSL and phone, but Suddenlink is the only cable company for cable internet and I don’t know of any fiber optic providers in the area.

          1. DrWombat*

            I admit that moving from CA and grad student pay, the idea that I could rent a 2br house with a garage and a yard for less than what I pay for a 1br apartment had me in fits of joy, but that’s also because bay area housing prices are the worst. I am very fond of hiking, so looking forward to that, and I have a reliable car so driving isn’t an issue. I do traditional dance out here in CA – not expecting there to be the same type in TX but if there’s a contra dance group in reasonable driving distance, I’ll be thrilled. Thanks for the tips re other places to hike ^^

            1. paul*

              I know Amarillo College has a variety of dance classes but I don’t think I’ve ever seen something called contra dance there (I’m not even sure what that is). My wife’s taken belly dancing and ballroom there though.

              If you’re willing to drive a bit (like 2 hours), Caprock Canyon SE of us has more hiking, but there are bison present and they can make it a bit dicey. Particularly if calves are present. And we’re reasonably close (3 hours drive time) to Mills Canyon (very remote hiking and camping in eastern NM) and about 3 hours from Raton in NM which has scenic hiking at Sugarite Canyon. They’re both in bear country, so bring spray. I feel safer there than hiking near bison though.

              If you’re up for a challenging and *long* hike, you can go to the Juniper Cliffside trail at the end of Park Road 5 in Palo Duro. That trail links to Rojo Grande, which ends across the parking lot from the lighthouse trail–you can either jump into that one, which has a link over to Fox Loop, or you can head to the end of the Paseo Del Rio Trail (like another 100, 200 yards) which then links the trailhead of the Givens-Spicer trail; I think it winds up being ~10 miles that way. If you do the lighthouse trail instead I think it’s like 8 miles. Bring lots of water. I once ran out despite bringing 6 liters, and wound up with heat exhaustion. There’s a huge stretch with no shade and it gets hot in the summer.

              1. TL -*

                Contra dancing is basically the New England version of square dancing – you dance with a partner in a formation to fiddle music while a caller calls out dance moves to follow.

                The music, moves, and formation are different from square dancing but the concept/structure is the same.

                1. DrWombat*

                  I do english country dancing here in the bay area, but was told contra was similar and I’d have better luck finding a group for dance if I switched to contra – similar garb, it seems, at least! But I have had dance be my usual sport, so I’ll hopefully find some group. ^^ Fun fact – contra is actually related to both square dancing and ballet!

            2. TL -*

              Oh! My information is a bit outdated and secondhand but there are contra dancing communities in Texas. However, even in the major cities they’re pretty small and skew heavily towards an older population. Dallas/Fort Worth has the largest community, or did 6 years ago; San Antonio and Houston have smaller ones. And because the community is small and the state is big, they do set up events expecting people to have to travel in.
              You’ll have more luck with line/square dancing, which are similar in format, or salsa dancing, which is not similar but is lots of fun!

              1. TL -*

                Also, that community seemed to have more than its fair share of 40-60 yr old creeps who thought it was okay to surprise kiss my 18-22 yr old friend in the middle of a dance because she was just “so incredibly flirty*” when dancing. Except for the a-hole who kissed her during band practice while his wife was travelling – he was just acting on their intense physical and emotional connection.

                She was socially awkward, looked barely 16, extremely nice and non-confrontational, sexually and romantically inexperienced, and not good at flirting; she couldn’t even get free breadsticks from the pasta station in the meal hall. Men 20-40 yrs her senior were consistently pursuing her for sexual and romantic relationships. It was gross and creepy and, honestly, we didn’t go contra dancing with her because she would tell these stories like they were normal and funny and couldn’t understand why we were responded with WTF No! Not okay!

                *In Texas, there is a freaking social norm on how young ladies/older gentlemen should flirt! It is non-sexual, non-suggestive, and at no point it is appropriate for the gentleman to make an actual advance on the young lady or touch her anywhere that isn’t approved by old-school chivalry (offering his arm, guiding her briefly through a doorway with a light touch on the mid-back, maaaaybe patting her shoulder.)

                1. DrWombat*

                  I really hope that people do not try to flirt with me. I’m late 20’s so hopefully I won’t attract as much attention as I did when I was younger (when I did also have some gross guys chase after me in an inappropriate way, and then got suckered into some unhealthy relationships where I was taken advantage of due to inexperience), and being aggressively flirted with/made uncomfortable is a pretty surefire way to make me leave and not come back. I’m only planning on being in Amarillo for 2 –
                  2.5 years or so – this job isn’t long-term and I’ve got zero interest in dating at the moment regardless. Hopefully if Amarillo has a community, it’s relatively creep-free, but the salsa dancing advice also sounds good – dance has been my major exercise for the past 5 years so I’d hate to stop! Thanks for all the tips!

                2. TL -*

                  Oh, wow, that sounds almost exactly like what happened to my friend, including getting pulled into wildly inappropriate and unhealthy relationships.
                  In my experience, blues, tango, and salsa tend to be a little more self-policing; women are very unlikely to engage in intentionally sexy, full-body contact if they feel creeped on. So – less creeping, more okay/ability to not dance with creepy guys. And at least in my salsa and tango communities in Austin, it was the men who took responsibility for talking to the creepy men – they would actually pull them aside and say, “hey your behavior is making the women uncomfortable. You need to X, Y, and Z.”

    2. Emac*

      Can you store your furniture/most of your stuff and find a short term sublet out there to start? You’d have more time to figure out where you want to live as well as be able to look at places yourself.

  67. Nicole*

    What’s your favorite pet-safe floor cleaner for tile? I’ve been using vinegar and water but the grout is looking dirty so I’m looking for something to clean that specifically.

    1. awb*

      What about oxyclean? Mix the powder with some paste to smear on grout, wipe away after sitting for a bit?

    2. MechanicalPencil*

      Method has a decent floor cleaner. I’ve also been using Bona, but I can’t recall off the top of my head if it’s specifically listed as being pet safe.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Borax.
      You will know it’s working because your bucket water will be BLACK. I thought I had clean floors. I thought wrong. I switched to natural cleaners and decided to try this recommendation I read. omg. Fast forward a couple years later, I am on the phone with a family member. Her inlaws are coming and she needs to clean the floor Right Now and what to do. I told her Borax. She mopped as we talked. But she kept interrupting our conversation, “OMG, this water is BLACK!” ha! yep.
      Twenty Mule Team Borax. It’s in the laundry detergent aisle.

    1. Turtlewings*

      I just finished “Orphan Train” by Christina Baker Kline, for book club as it happens, AND I LOVED IT SO MUCH. It tore my heart out and stomped on it, in some places — a lot of places — but I was so absorbed and so invested, and then the ending was really beautiful. It’s a subject (adoption, found family, the treatment of children through history) that really engages my interest so it just hit a lot of buttons for me.

      I’m actually between books, but the one I have in my bag to start next is “Dragon Ship” by Sharon Lee and Steve Miller, part of their Liaden Universe. Regency fantasy IN SPACE, anyone?

    2. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I just finished Star Wars: The Last Jedi: Cobalt Squadron (I was never really one for old EU Star Wars but now I’m reading their stuff with people of color) and now I’m onto Daniel José Older’s Shadowshaper. It’s such a little thing, but I really appreciate how he doesn’t italicize the Spanish dialogue – it makes it seem much more ordinary and a part of his (Latino) characters’ lives instead of setting it off as foreign and other.

    3. Roseberriesmaybe*

      I’m currently reading ‘The Mists of Avalon’ by Marion Zimmer Bradley and I’m loving it! Feminism and witchcraft are my top interests, so this is perfect. Last book I finished was ‘Zone One’ by Colson Whitehead.

    4. CanadianUniversityReader*

      I ‘m currently reading North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell. It’s a bit hard to get into but I am throughly enjoying it now.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I forbade myself from reading newer books until I get some work done on my own, so I’m re-reading older stuff. For some reason, I wanted to revisit Stephen King’s Carrie, so I’m doing that now.

    7. Red*

      I’m currently reading Madness in Civilization by Andrew Scully. It’s one of those books that feels like work to read, but it’s so good I enjoy it anyway.

  69. Aphrodite*

    Question about an iPhone 43.

    I don’t own a cell phone and have no interest in having one. But family members are pressuring me to get one in case a time comes when I need one (car breaks down, etc.). My sister just sent me an iPhone 4s. With her help I got online at home through Verizon, but in order to make phone calls I have to get service. I checked out a site called TING and I can get service for $6 per month for the line cost. There are no plans; you just pay for the services (phone, text, data) that you use in any given month. I do not text and won’t use it for data so I am looking strictly at phone usage. One hundred minutes costs $3. However, am I correct in understanding that I might be able to get a SIM card (not sure what that is) for $100 that would last for one year.

    I am trying to go as inexpensive as I can while getting good service. Thoughts? Ideas?

    1. Nicole*

      The SIM through Ting should only cost you $17. I have them and that’s what I paid. Also, if you decide to sign up I’ll give you my referral code and you’ll get $25 credit toward your services. Just let me know asap. We are switching to Tmobile tomorrow. Not because Ting isn’t great, but just because we’re getting a steep discount that makes tmobile even cheaper than what we pay now.

    2. Satisfied ting user*

      I have ting and like it, too
      If you need longer than a day to decide, let us know and you can get my referral link after she switches to another carrier.

    3. Blue Eagle*

      Get a flip-phone. My tracfone service is $100/year for 800 minutes that roll over each year if not used. It is well worth it.

    4. Dan*

      Ting is as cheap as it gets unless you truly get into the prepaid stuff. The SIM card itself just lets your phone connect to a wireless network, and establishes a number. making calls requires a “plan

      Ting does have a about $1 or so in taxes. If you never use the phone, you’ll pay $84/yr for the *privilege* of being able to make and receive calls.

    5. Shoe*

      Another Ting user here! Love it. Excellent customer service.

      I have had my SIM card for at least three years now. I think it cost me $9? JUST make sure that you get the correct card for your phone. There are two different kinds, and some iphones are one, some iphones are another, and some iphones can take either.

      Once you get your sim, your bill will be about $10-$11 a month if you don’t go over 100 minutes. And you don’t have to get a sim card every year.

    6. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Something else to consider: an iPhone 4s is pretty old technology. The operating system it can run on is no longer supported by Apple so you won’t get any security updates. Any apps you use would also age out and at some point you’ll hit a wall where your phone is too old to be useful. And the battery is probably pretty old as well. I paid $64 to replace my iPhone 5 battery at a cell phone repair shop and would have paid $150 at my local computer store. So it may be worth a little extra now to get a prepaid trac phone that is newer and will likely last you longer, rather than invest money is a phone that might only last you a year or two.

      Also, these smart phones are designed to be pretty compelling. While you may be determined to use it only as a phone, the other uses may creep up on you because they are available. And I have this theory that the creep of increased smart phone use is somewhat due to humans and their attachment to tools they hold and use regularly. A “dumb” phone would be less tempting.

  70. LaterKate*

    I have developed a facial twitch (tic?). It is in my right cheek, and happens probably 20x a day, lasting less than a second each time. The actual area that is twitching is very small. It feels like it’s the size of a pencil eraser. I’ve seen it happen a few times and the only reason i can see it is because i can feel it. I don’t think it’s noticeable at all to anyone else. What could be causing this? Is this something that i need to see a doctor about, or will it likely just go away on its own? Any experiences welcome. Thanks!

    1. Nacho*

      I’ve got an eye twitch I’ve had for a few years. It hasn’t gone away, but I never saw a doctor either. I just treat it as a thing that happens and ignore it.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I had a twitch in my eye due to stress. Acupuncture made it stop – and I was suuuuper sceptic but I have to admit my face stopped twitching right after having a needle stuck in my knee!

      1. Lcsa99*

        I also had an eye twitch due to stress. Thankfully for me I just had to leave EvilOldJob for it to stop completely.

        Have you been dealing with a lot of stress lately?

        1. LaterKate*

          No increase in stress lately, and no other changes that i can think of. Thank you all for the answers and suggestions.

    3. The New Wanderer*

      I get those at times, almost always due to stress. Various places in my face but usually around my eyes – had one in my eyelid that was the worst because it lasted for months. I don’t think anyone notices them, which is fortunate because I’ve never figured out how to make them go away, they just eventually do.

    4. Someone else*

      This can indicate low iron. It could also be a bunch of other stuff, but if there’s any chance you may be anemic, I’d look in that direction.

      1. LaterKate*

        Hmmm, interesting. I actually just had my yearly physical, including lab work. (I forgot to mention the twitch, though.) I will get my results on Monday, I think, so I should be able to rule that out or identify it as a possible cause once I see them. Thank you for the suggestion!

    5. Ree*

      I had a lower eyelid twitch(specifically where under eye circles live) for over a year when I was about 14 or 15. And it was CONSTANT. Like a pulse, actually.
      One day it just went away. No idea why it showed up or why it went away, but thank goodness it did!

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’ve had eyelid twitches because of lack of sleep, but I once had cheek twitches because I strained a ligament in my cheek. Didn’t even know that was possible. Maybe try a hot compress?

    7. Colette*

      I had something similar (my lower left eyelid was twitching) and it ended up going away on its own. It’s probably nothing to worry about, but if it gets worse it’s worth running it by your doctor.

    8. Book Lover*

      Eye twitches are usually anxiety or fatigue, but I think a cheek twitch is worth running by your doctor if it continues.

  71. ADHD*

    Anyone here have ADHD? I have it and I have realized it is not as under control as I thought. I was in denial.

    I was fired from my job because of it. I’ve realized it was completely justified. The company got a lawyer involved. The person I shared an office with quit because she couldn’t handle it. Her replacement went to our manager over it. I now know I was unbearable to share an office with and I don’t blame them.

    My boyfriend broke off our engagement. I was completely horrible to him. I was a bridezilla and was out of control. I don’t blame him for leaving or some of my family/friends for being mad at me. I was not great during the wedding planning.

    I’m living with my parents now. I have an appointment with a new doctor coming up. I need to get this under control. If anyone is willing to share I’m interested in hearing.

    1. Thlayli*

      No personal experience but I just want to say that all sounds so awful to have to deal with. You have my sympathy. I hope the doctor can help you.

    2. BRR*

      I do and lost two jobs over missing things to an inability to focus. Getting on medication was very helpful for me. I’m likely getting a promotion soon because I’m now able to sit down and actually do my work. Therapy also helped a lot as well

    3. ADD Spouse*

      I really, really struggle with being married to someone whose ADD has grown exponentially over the years. All I can say is, please do your best to keep up with your medical care, and if you are unhappy with your doctor, find another and keep trying. Don’t give up and substitute alternate substances.

    4. Nacho*

      I was diagnosed with ADHD 3 times, but this was back when EVERYBODY was diagnosed with it, so take it with a grain of salt. Looking back, I’m sure it’s at least part of the reason I did so poorly in school, and barely graduated college. I’ve tried some medications for it, but I hate how they make me feel. My thoughts get all muddled and it’s hard to not focus on something, if that makes any sense. I like it better when my mind’s free to wander a little.

      I managed to get a nice job at a call center where I don’t have to pay attention to anything for more than a half an hour at a time, and nobody cares if I split my time between various job related activities, playing with my desk toys, and surfing the internet. I recognize that I’m going to be locked out of most higher paying jobs though unless I buckle down and get back on my meds. Anything with an office, for instance, is right out.

    5. Shoe*

      Not to internet diagnose, but it sounds like you might have something else going on in addition to ADHD. Is your new doctor a psychiatrist? If not, it sounds like seeing one might be a good step at this point.

      I was diagnosed with ADD when I was a teen, but I never really believed the diagnoses. However, I have struggled with executive function disorder, as well as major depression. The brain is a complicated place. Hope you get this figured out!

    6. Cyclatrol*

      I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult about 10 years ago. It’s almost funny to look back on my life and consider various events from an ADHD perspective: how did it go missed for so long?

      I don’t have much practical advice for you, sorry. I think it’s good that you’re looking into a new doctor – not all doctors are created equal, and it can take time and money and effort to find a good doctor who will work with you. In my experience, finding a good doctor who was a good fit for me made a big difference.

      This is just me, but I do not view my controlled ADHD as any kind of liability or disability. Uncontrolled ADHD is a problem. Controlled ADHD allows me to perform at a level that is typically higher than that of people without ADHD.

      Finally: if you take meds, be aware that it can take some time to learn to function with them. Perhaps several months.

      (I’m not a doctor, what I wrote is based on my experience, reading, and observation).

    7. Observer*

      I’m going to agree that you need to make sure to look at the possibility that other things may be going on as well. It’s not uncommon that more than one condition comes into play.

    8. A.N.O.N.*

      Fiance has ADHD. Fortunately, he was diagnosed very young (it runs strong in his family so they knew it was likely he’d have it). He would not be able to function at work if he didn’t take his medication.

      Just a note that you should see a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist, and definitely not a therapist. Psychologists do not go to med school and cannot prescribe medication like psychiatrists can. Sure, they can make recommendations as to what medication to take, but they do not have a medical background.

      (Fiance all his life went to psychologists who would send “recommendations” in to his doctor, who would then prescribe what the psychologists suggested. And all his life he’s had to bounce around medications and dosages. Finally, he went to a psychiatrist who told him that the psychologists were recommending dosages too high/some really iffy drugs. Fiance has since been doing much better with his medication now.)

    9. Anon for This*

      I went to the doctor’s a little over a year ago because I was pretty close to where you are now.

      I’m not exactly sure from the context why you got fired, but I knew I was a discovery away from getting fired because the work was so boring I just didn’t do a lot of it.

      My boyfriend and I had a big fight because I impulsively opened a credit card in his name after realizing I wasn’t going to be able to afford car repairs. He was also at his wit’s end with things like me leaving used tupperware in the linen closet.

      I was supposed to go to court as a witness for a case involving the accident my car got damaged in. I missed the court date because I didn’t write it down.

      Going to the doctor and getting on medication was huge for me. Turned my life around, basically.

      I took Ritalin when I was younger, but the doctor I went to said Adderall would be better for me.

      I didn’t have to get re-diagnosed or re-tested or anything like that. He just took the fact that I had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child (reported to him, didn’t need records or anything which I was worried about because I’m pretty sure the doctor who diagnosed me and doled out my meds during scho0l is dead now) and my explanation of my symptoms now and how they were messing up my life, and went “Yup, that sounds pretty much textbook for a woman with ADHD” and prescribed me Adderall.

      Not sure if it is the same in every state, but I believe it is. But I have to go see my psychiatrist monthly to get my prescription re-filled. And if I don’t pick it up within I think it’s 15 days I need to go back to the doctor and get the prescription re-written.

      Visits with him are brief. He usually asks me about side effects, how I’m sleeping, if I feel like the drugs are still working.

      For other coping mechanisms – I work very well with check-lists. I keep a bullet journal type thing where I basically dump anything I need to get done into a t0-do list, as well as jot down anything I might want to research later, etc, books I might want to read, etc. Basically, as soon as I think of something I just get it out of my head onto paper.

      I have a mental checklist for what I need to do in the morning when I wake up. I have a mental checklist for what needs to get done as soon as I get to work. I have a mental checklist for what needs to be done before I leave work. I have a mental checklist for what I need to do before bed. Most days I write these out in my notebook so they are physical checklists as well.

      I’m not sure how much of this (if any of it) is useful to you since it sounds like from what you’re saying that you may have the more hyperactive variant and that a lot of your struggles are coming from acting out, while I don’t have much experience with that because I have the primarily inattentive type so most of my issues come from not doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

      But ADHD drugs are amazingly lifechanging for me.

      And therapy might not hurt either. I did a little talk therapy with someone from Betterhelp, and then again in person with one of my psychiatrists who also did therapy, mostly to get to the root of what my thought patterns are when I do something like open the credit card in my boyfriend’s name, or when I spend money I know I can’t afford to spend. It helped a bit.

    10. LilySparrow*

      I have ADHD, diagnosed very late (in my 40’s).

      I’m glad you’re getting a doctor, it will be really helpful because it sounds like your symptoms are pretty severe right now.

      One thing I’d offer is that there are many other behavioral health conditions that can “cluster” with ADHD, and they make each other worse.

      So please be open to discussing all your difficulties. They may need a more complex treatment plan than ADHD alone.

  72. Anon Accountant*

    Dropping in briefly to say thank you to all who offered suggestions regarding finding and moving to a new city (2 weeks ago on Friday open thread). My ideal location is about an hour from where I live now but there aren’t a ton of jobs. The area is growing slowly. My 2nd choice is Columbus. Columbus is only 3 hours away from where I’m at/family is now.

    I’ve checked into CPA license transfer requirements and am taking steps towards moving to either city in the future. Thanks again to all!

  73. Yetanotherjennifer*

    Anyone have tinnitus/ringing in the ears? I’ve had fairly mild tinnitus for a good while now but 2 years ago, with the addition of at least one new pitch, I consulted a doctor about it. It went from the thing I barely noticed to a sometimes distressing amount of noise. I’ve seen an ENT who gave me hearing tests and have no hearing loss that could be causing it. It might be caused by a combination of congestion and jaw tension. I tried a decongestant plus a nasal rinse for 6 weeks to try and relieve the congestion, but it didn’t change anything. Lately I’ve had a bad cold and for 2 days the loud tone disappeared…it was heaven. For the tension, I’ve been referred to a PT by my dentist but haven’t followed through yet. I guess if I want to pursue treatment further I need to go back to my GP. Nothing has really been said beyond confirming it’s not caused by a hearing loss. Any tips/tricks/solutions?

    1. Thlayli*

      I’ve had a small ringing in my ear for about a year. Luckily it hasn’t gotten worse yet and I only really notice it at night when im in bed and its quiet. I have been able to basically ignore it so far.

      I am worried that it will get worse though.

    2. Nicole*

      I have tinnitus in my right ear which developed in August of last year. Unfortunately I do have slight hearing loss of high frequencies in that ear which is likely the cause. My doctor basically told me not to expect for it to ever go away which was very depressing to hear. I’m a problem solver and hate that there’s supposedly nothing I can do to fix this. On top of that, I’ve always enjoyed quiet and now I can’t have it because of the ringing. I have a hard time sleeping on that side because it makes the ringing sound louder too. So no advice unfortunately, just commiseration.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        I’m sorry! I know, it sucks to think we’ll have this forever. One thing I have found that helps me fall asleep is ear plugs. Somehow, immersing myself into the sound helps me fall asleep.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      I finally realized that’s what it is – I’ve had this low level noise in my head most of my life and it just didn’t register as being tinnitus. I realized it now that it’s gotten worse. Mine is ideopathic as far as I can tell, but it might have been exacerbated by anxiety (not formal, just colloquial use) and stress.

      White noise helps when I need “quiet”, otherwise I have music or TV playing. The only time recently that I noticed it was gone was during a vacation to the beach, the constant variable ocean noise was a great fix. Unfortunately living right on a beach is not in the plans for the foreseeable future…

      1. Tinnitis Sufferer*

        This is me too. When I was a kid it was mild, and I thought everyone heard these tones (mine is multiple pitches at once). It suddenly became severe a year ago after I had a sudden onset of vertigo. Specialists couldn’t find a medical cause (to either problem). Audiologist did tests (all day affair!). All the usual mitigating/masking therapies didn’t work except one: I use modified hearing aids that play white noise directly into my ears. Audiologist worked with me over a few months to customize the frequencies. The devices have a few different programs so I can pick what works the best that day. Devices were super expensive and not covered by by insurance, but the cost was worth being able to return to daily activities. I couldn’t even focus enough to read a book, and masking with music actually made the tinnitis more pronounced.

        tl;dr. I have severe tinnitus in both ears. There’s no cure for my type so I worked with an audiologist to find a customized masking therapy.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          Whoa, I just had a bout of vertigo this summer, first time ever. It was so bad I was afraid to drive (and didn’t) until it passed after a day or two. And that was right before I really noticed it. I have not seen any specialists because it doesn’t interfere with life so far.

          Mine is like that sound that TVs and computer monitors and camera flashes used to make, this high pitched frequency type sound rather than something with a “tone.” Ironically I can’t hear that ring tone kids use because my real-life high frequency detection has faded (due to normal aging). More significant hearing loss does run in my family, so there’s that to look forward to.

          FYI I did read recently that there’s some progress in stimulus attenuation work that might help certain forms of tinnitus. Might have been in Scientific American?

    7. Mary Connell*

      A few questions. (You certainly don’t have to answer these here!) Is your tinnitus in one ear or both? Is it constant or pulsatile (has the rhythm of a heartbeat)? Does the sound change when you tip your head to one side or the other or turn your neck?

      Also, google tinnitus handicap inventory or tinnitus severity scale and take one of the detailed questionnaires and figure out the grade of your tinnitus on a scale of one to five.

      If it’s pulsatile tinnitus it can be the sign of a significant medical problem, but it can also be innocuous blood sounds in your veins.

      There’s an interesting new study out of Canada and Michigan that I’m watching that I hope will result in a good treatment. (Google “Auditory-somatosensory bimodal stimulation desynchronizes brain circuitry to reduce tinnitus…”) Until (or if) that becomes a successful treatment, I sometimes find temporary relief by folding my ears forward with my middle fingers and then tapping slowly and rhythmically on the back folded part of my ears with my pointer fingers.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Thanks, Mary, you’ve given me some interesting things to consider and experiment with. I have at least 3 constant tones: two in one ear and one in the other. They do not pulse. They might change with movement but I’m going to wait for a day when the sound is louder to really experiment.

    8. Pharmgirl88*

      I have a patient with tinnitus who swears by Lipo Flavonoid. It’s a supplement specifically targeted towards ear health. If it’s something you haven’t already tried, it might be something to talk to your doctor or pharmacist about. It should be available at Target in the ear/eye care section (or it used to be).

    9. NeverNicky*

      Tinnitus can flare up but will generally revert to a less intrusive level over time. The time tinnitus takes to disappear or reduce in intensity varies from person to person, but there are some tips and techniques you can do to help. Of course, if you think jaw tension is a factor then that needs dealing with – bite raisers can sometimes help. Anyway, these are the things the British Tinnitus Association generally recommend:

      Information – you will probably feel better when you find out more about the condition, that it is very common and that you are not alone.

      Counselling – techniques such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be helpful, either as a standalone therapy or combined with sound therapy.

      Correcting any hearing loss – if your tinnitus is accompanied by any hearing loss, then trying to correct this loss with hearing aids is often very helpful.

      Sound therapy – if the noises seem louder at quiet times, particularly during the night, it may help to have some environmental or natural sound from a CD, a sound generator, or even a fan or ticking clock in the background. Some people use in-ear sound generators.

      Relaxation – learning to relax is probably one of the most useful things you can do to help yourself. Those who practice relaxation techniques say they reduce the loudness of their tinnitus and helps them become indifferent to it. Yoga and tai chi can also help.

      Mindfulness is showing some very promising results after recent clinical trails, so that is something else you might like to try.

      There’s a lot of good information on the British Tinnitus Association’s website – try to avoid sites which promise “tinnitus miracles” or “tinnitus cures” as there’s no such panacea – but with time, you will learn to manage your tinnitus well.

      A note on supplements – there’s no good evidence one way or the other about any supplement. Vitamin B12 has been effective but only for people deficient in B12 in the first place.

    10. Agnodike*

      I’ve had tinnitus for about 10 years as a side effect of chemotherapy. It was really intrusive at first, but I’ve been able to reduce its impact on my quality of life substantially with mindfulness meditation. If you google “tinnitus meditation” there are tons of resources, and it’s really helped me! The relaxation piece seems to help reduce the loudness of the ringing, and the mindfulness helps me not be bothered by it. I use white noise to fall asleep, too.

    11. Free Meerkats*

      I’ve had tinnitus in both ears for decades, mostly hearing loss related. I’ve adapted to it and it’s just the background of my life. It’s interesting that the THI is mostly about how it affects one’s life, not how loud and pervasive it is. As I’ve accepted mine, I only rate 10 on the inventory while the scoring descriptions say I should be at least 50.

      The only things I’ve found that change mine are exposure to loud, prolonged noise and SCUBA diving in cold water. I haven’t dived warm water extensively in decades, so I don’t know if it’s the diving or the cold or the combo, but I’ve stopped diving here in Puget Sound.

      There are masking strategies; but according to my ENT, unless there’s something they can identify as a cause (like earwax buildup), there’s no real treatment.

      Good luck.

  75. all aboard the anon train*

    This is a minor pet peeve in the grand scheme of things, but I get so annoyed when I’m trying to find new recipes and I have to scroll through endless non-food related paragraphs and pictures before I even get to the ingredients and directions. I don’t care to read 1,000 words about the blogger’s kids or partner or pets. I just want to read the recipe! It’s even more annoying when they post 5 pictures of their kids or vacation, but no food pictures.

    Also, I’m also endlessly annoyed at food bloggers who think pre-cut veggies or steamed/frozen veggies aren’t “authentic cooking”. Not all prepackaged food is bad for you! It makes the food bloggers who actually provide cheap alternatives or easy substitutions all the more welcome.

    1. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I am right there with you in annoyance. I have never valued links within pages and the people who think to include them more than when I started looking up recipes.

    2. WellRed*

      Oh yeah! I wonder if anyone actually reads through all the (craptastic) writing or just gives up and finds a recipe elsewhere.

      2. all aboard the anon train*

        I write blog posts for some of my freelance clients, as well as work in publishing, and that’s not how copyright works.

        Not to mention, it’s very hard to copyright a recipe since most blog recipes are taken from someone else who took it from someone else, and so on.

    4. BeautifulVoid*

      UGH. YES. THIS.

      And I have twin toddlers. You’re damn right I buy my veggies pre-cut whenever possible because I do not have the time to sit there slicing and dicing. (And even if I did have the time, simply not wanting to is valid!) My local supermarket has containers of mirepoix all ready to go. It’s the BEST.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        And lots of people have physical or mental health issues that make it harder to prepare food, also.

      2. all aboard the anon train*

        My wrists sometimes act up and cutting something like a sweet potato is hard! Most of the time I don’t have a problem cutting, but sometimes I don’t really have the time and am willing to pay an upcharge of $1 or $2 for precut veggies or veggies I can steam in the microwave.

        I actually use those Steamfresh packets a lot. When they’re on sale for $1/a bag, I stock my freezer because they’re cheap and convenient and a bag of steamable broccoli tastes just as good to me as if I had steamed it on the stove myself.

      3. Language Student*

        Plus it just makes it so much easier to cook something nutritious when you just don’t feel like cooking. Prechopped frozen veggies are the best thing since sliced bread.

    6. KL*

      YES. I like to cook, but I huff at the paragraphs of whatever explaining how they found the meaning of the universe in this recipe they will post way down the page, after about 50 pictures of every. single. step. Just give me the recipe!
      Along this vein, I liked the Bon Appetit website, but they changed it a couple months ago to include gobs more videos and unnecessary pictures with their recipes and made it 100% harder to navigate. Grrr.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        I like pictures for more complicated recipes so I can have a visual clue to know if I’m doing it right, but I’ve seen recipes that show every item cut up. I don’t need to see how you cut tomatoes and cucumbers for your quinoa bowl! Step by step pictures aren’t necessary for every recipe.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I hate that too. Don’t spend 17 paragraphs telling me how your aunt’s sister’s cousin married an Estonian military man who became a chef and now your entire family is loooooving the authentic tradition of eating it in native costume and they love it, especially the kids, and ooh when you did German food you even put lederhosen on the dog and it was so fun and cool.

      Gimme the damn recipe!

    8. Overeducated*

      It pretty much destroyed the food blog world for me. It’s impossible to find a good new one if the posts are so long and image heavy that you can’t see more than a few recipes. But I guess the internet is probably moving away from blogs anyway, I just don’t know where the interesting new foodie voices go now.

      1. nep*

        Say more, if you would… The internet’s moving away from blogs? Not invested / don’t have a blog. Just interested.

        1. Overeducated*

          I feel like I’m out of touch and don’t really know, but I’ve been reading that blogs (in and beyond the food world) are not the model for getting started online that they used to be, I guess because of both audiences moving onto social media and what social media advertising models encourage. I work on web content, but in a creaky slow-moving organization where I don’t do social media, and even our basic web design is moving more toward image heavy, mobile ready content and away from blocks of text. So maybe Instagram is where the young interesting cooks are now? I don’t really know what’s filling the vacuum, but I’m starting to see its shape.

    9. Starley*

      Ugh, I am SO sick of the nine paragraphs about Junior’s sixth birthday party before the damn recipe. That and a couple of beloved recipe links going dead has inspired me to actually write down and keep recipes so I don’t have to scroll down for ten minutes every time the page reloads.

    10. paul*

      Yeessssssss!

      I want a good recipe to use up the acorn squash that was cheap at the grocery. I don’t want to spend 10 minutes reading about fluff surrounding it damnit.

      I also want to punt food bloggers and critics that wax about how excitingly authentic something is. I’m buying my groceries at the United down the street, I’m not driving across the damn city to Tri’s to find esoteric ingredient and spend 3x my food budget. And that goes double for the twerps that act like that somehow makes them culturally enlightened and woke–I got lectured at (very briefly before I shut it down, and I no longer talk to this person) about how deviating from ethnic cuisine was a form of cultural appropriation.

    11. Chaordic One*

      Yeah, this bugs me too, and not just with recipes, but recipes are really the worst. In an ideal world you would get a nice (but small) picture that is big enough to show what the prepared item looks like with the recipe and ingredients below it. In a perfect world, you could not only find the recipe but just go ahead and hit PRINT and it (the whole recipe) would print out on a single 8 1/2″ x 11″ piece of paper.

      OTOH, I’ve gotten really good at cutting and pasting into, then reformatting, Word documents. But still…

    12. Porygon-Z*

      I haven’t seen random stories before recipes on the pages where I usually find recipes, but along the same vein, it drives me crazy when before the recipe there’s multiple paragraphs gushing about how great the recipe is (and usually gifs of it being stirred). A couple pictures? Great! But I was already sold on the recipe with the title. No need to keep talking about how great it is. Just tell me how to make it.

    13. Al Lo*

      The Paprika app is BRILLIANT for saving recipes and getting through the stories. It’s a paid app (about $5, I think), but totally worth it. Copy the link of the recipe page, paste it into the app, and it’ll strip out the actual recipe, save it to your archive, and let you scale the ingredients with one click. It’s got the usual recipe app features like timers and grocery lists, but the ease with which it strips out just the recipe from blog pages is what makes it so useful to me.

    14. Paula, with Two Kids*

      I use to use recipezaar, because they were rated recipes, then it turned into food.com and now it’s geniuskitchen. The search filters are different and I’m not in love with it the way it is now when it used to be so easy to hone in on high quality recipes. I never use food blogs though, because you really have no way of knowing if it’s worth your time to prepare… all you get are blog comments, which might be from the blogger’s favorite Aunt.

  76. Kuododi*

    I hear you!!! I had a friend in high school whose mother was an office manager for a local chiropractor. Apparently she bought into the line that chiropractic would fix everything so she would get adjusted for everything from seasonal allergies to gastric distress. She was one of those people who never looked well bc her actual medical problems went unchecked until she became unnecessarily ill.

    1. Kuododi*

      Apologies… I have no idea why this post turned up down here!!! What I get for posting from my phone;)

  77. Anony Nony*

    Family rant coming. Commiseration and advice welcome.

    I have a sister (over 45) who hasn’t really succeeded in basic life. She wants to do what she wants to do, even if she can’t actualy support herself. She has been asking my parents for money for years, and they have often given it to her. In the past year she’s tried hitting me up as well, usually subtly but I don’t take the bait. She doesn’t really have a relationship with me or my family members other outside of these requests. Both of my parents have offered to let her move back in with them but she doesn’t want to leave the city she’s in, her friends, etc. Understandable, but she also can’t afford to live there on her own. This is been going on for about 25 years, so she’s had plenty of time/opportunity to get it together.

    She’s taken it to a whole new level, asking one of my parents for a significant sum of money. She’s laboring under a bizarre assumption that there is money for her in a trust, and she wants it now. The trust she’s referring to will be funded someday from money from my parent’s estate – but my parent is alive and kicking. She’s laying the guilt on so thick, invoking my dead grandparents and saying many other inappropriate things. I’m frankly gobsmacked that someone would be so craven and manipulative. My poor parent is incredibly stressed about this. When it was pointed out to my sister (after a second email request with even more guilt), her entire reply was that she was just trying g to work out an agreement [with parent]. An agreement over my parent’s own money!

    I’m completely furious. No one is speaking to my sister and I’ve advised my parent to block my sister’s emails. Anyone have tips for dealing with a narcissistic, manipulative garbage person that they can share? I generally ignore her but she’s clearly lost her damn mind and we need to figure out how to disengage from her successfully. I’m recommending therapy for my parent but is there a support group or something for parents of horrible children?

    1. Shoe*

      Al-Anon might be useful for them. It focuses on loving someone while not enabling and getting sucked in to their chaotic s*&t.

    2. Kuododi*

      One of the things my Dad and Uncle did when my late grandmother was still alive and had a sketchy “gentleman caller” was to meet with an attorney and have Grandmother sign over her property 50/50 to Dad and Uncle. The atty structured the paperwork so grandmother had lifetime tenancy for some trivial amount ($1/year) Granddad did not leave much money…(country farmer) but was able to make wise land purchases so Grandmother inherited valuable timberland in SE. What Dad, Uncle and Grandmother did protected her from the gentleman callers manipulation and still allowed her to live her days in peace at home.

    3. Ditto Anony Nony*

      Had the same problem with my brother. Years before dad passed away, he demanded durable power of attorney from me before going to see dad about our inheritances. Said he needed the DPoA to show dad that I was with him in this effort. It was all BS. He was going to screw both dad and me. He’d planned to extort an inheritance agreement from dad. The DPoA would ensure he’d control all assets no matter what happened, e.g., in the unlikely event dad willed him 10% and me 90%, he’d still control the whole 100% through the DPoA. I cursed him out for several minutes but his voice remain calm throughout my screaming. He finally backed down and nonchalantly changed the subject to something else in the same monotonic calm voice. It was truly creepy. Screaming had no effect on him. It was like a transaction didn’t work so he moved on to the next one. He’s a freaking sociopath and I ended up ghosting him. BTW, he visited dad without my DPoA and got told off by dad hahaha. Suggest sending your question(s) to elderwisdomcircle-dot-org. They’re a group of seniors with centuries/millennia of experience among them and they must certainly have dealt with abusive children and inheritances in their time. That website also has examples of actual Q&As you can read to get an idea of the types of questions they get. Best of luck. You have my sympathy.

    4. Lauren R*

      I can say that the thing that’s worked best for me has been learning to just feel genuinely sorry for the person (in my case it’s my mother who I’ve had to disengage from). I mean your sister sounds like a very sad person – she’s never stood on her own two feet even though she probably could if she tried, she’s managed to treat her own family – even her mother – so poorly they don’t even want to speak with her, she has lost any chance at a positive relationship with her sister, and she’s so lacking in self-awareness that she won’t ever truly fix any of this or see how wrong she is. Would you want to be in your sister’s position or in her head? Even if your sister did somehow manage to get this money or all the money in the world? I really doubt it! It may feel like I’m saying you should forgive her or excuse her behavior – I’m not at all. But feeling angry and hurt by her actions won’t really get you anywhere either, and putting things in that perspective can help a lot with distancing yourself from her behavior and making sure it doesn’t take up as much of your time and emotional energy. As I read your post, all I could think was how pathetic and unkind your sister seems to be. Laying some big guilt trip on your mother, who has already been so generous to her, so that she can take even more of what your mother has earned for herself? That is some sick behavior and I can see why it’d be terribly upsetting for all of you. But it’s worth remembering: it’s also the kind of behavior that’s going to leave her constantly dependent on manipulating others to get anything. If she managed to get this money, what happens when she runs out? If she doesn’t get the money, what will she do then? Probably go find someone else to give her what she feels she deserves, until that person gets sick of it and then she’ll go find someone else and on and on. In order for her to keep going as she is, there always has to be another (often generous and kind-hearted) person in her life who gets hurt and used and treated unfairly. That just sounds like an awful, miserable way to live life and a really pathetic legacy to leave behind you. Even if she hit the jackpot and got everything she wanted financially, I still would not envy someone who sees the world the way your sister does. The care and concern you have for your mother – that intense desire to help her and anger on her behalf as you watch her struggle with this – is not something your sister seems capable of feeling. That’s just really sad for her, whether she sees it that way or not! Feeling the need to defend someone you care about from cruelty isn’t a fun way to feel – but it is part of loving someone and wanting them to be happy and that IS a great thing to feel. Your sister is not winning even if she may believe she is (and even if it can sometimes seem that way from the outside).

      So honestly that’s thing that helped me the most in getting past what my abusive mother put me through: just realizing that a big part of why she worked so hard to make me miserable is that she was miserable herself. That doesn’t mean I have to tolerate her or be around her or forgive her but it does mean that when she decides to send me some weird, cruel, or manipulative letter in the mail, I don’t have to feel hurt by it or take it personally. I can just step back and feel really sorry for her that she has to go through life feeling like that’s an acceptable way to connect with people. She wants her only daughter to talk to her and she decides to write down one more really good reason NOT to talk to her, and no doubt she reads it over before deciding it’s a good idea to put it in the mail and send it all the way to me. What is happening in her head when she does that? How does any happy, rational person go through all those steps without stopping and saying “hey maybe there’s a kinder and more productive way to reach out to someone I (claim to) care about”. She’s not doing it because of me, she’s doing it because something inside of her just gets the urge to do something hurtful and make a power grab. And unlike the rest of us, who can usually ignore those urges in the (much more infrequent) moments they come along, she follows through. And then actually feels confused and upset when it doesn’t work in her favor!

      When you’re on the receiving end of that behavior, it can be infuriating to know that the other person feels they’re genuinely the victim of the situation when that’s not the case at all. It can help to remember that more often than not, they actually ARE a victim – of their own awful behavior. People like this constantly blow up relationships and lack the skills and self-control to put them back together. For every person your sister manages to manipulate and wear down, I’d bet you anything that countless oppurtunities have passed her by in favor of someone who is kind and responsible and pleasant to be around. And if she saw all those oppurtunities, it wouldn’t even change anything for her – it would just give her one more reason to act entitled and unkind. Disengaging is much easier when you realize the person you’re so angry with may actually be worse off for what she’s doing that you are.

      The TL;DR version: I don’t want to ever know what it’s like to be in my mother’s head – it must be a nightmare. And it’s one that she doesn’t EVER get a break from. She lives there 24/7. Yikes! So I’m not going to waste time being miserable over her. I’m just going to wish her the best as she deals with the weird version of reality she’s living in every day, while I’m lucky enough to get to stick to the one everyone else is in and to have the ability to grow and change along with it. She can do whatever hurtful and unkind things she likes to me but I have something very valuable inside of me that she doesn’t seem to be able to obtain for herself and that she can’t ever take away from me. The fact that she can’t feel healthy, compassionate love and doesn’t seem to know what it means to put others happiness before her own is a reason to feel very very sorry for her. And it’s hard to feel as mad about someone’s behavior when you can’t get past the fact that it’s just really sad they choose to behave that way.

    5. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Reddit – JustNoFamily is probably a good stop for you. also RaisedByNarcissists exists, might be helpful or something similar.

    6. Paula, with Two Kids*

      No contact is generally the best, but not a decision you can make for your parent. I found reading books on narcissism quite helpful after divorcing mine. And I do so worry, worry, for my kids when he gets to the stage in life to start manipulating money from them.

      The modern thinking on narcissists is not that they are operating from a lack of self-esteem, but rather the opposite, coupled with a complete lack of empathy. A lot of actions that make a narcissist look good (even giving to charity) is done publicly to enhance image rather than our of caring. And an email chain with a narcissist? It’s like trying to wrestle snakes in a vat of jello. No reponse to actual questions, blame shifting, gaslighting, more lies, always spirals out of control.

      A Narcissist’s Prayer

      That it didn’t happen.
      And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
      And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
      And if it is, that’s not my fault.
      And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
      And if I did,
      You deserved it.

  78. heartbreak*

    I found out my girlfend is married. It is not an open marriage. She drunk texted me once that she was married but I didn’t take it seriously because the whole conversation was ridiculous and as soon as she sobered up she said it was the alcohol. She was at a bachelorette party at a cabin. She doesn’t drink regularly and I thought nothing of it. She was never secretive and didn’t care if I looked at her phone. We went out in public together. Her husband is divorcing her. Since they were on a couples plan he has some of the texts including the one where she tells me she is married. She rebutted that in person and not over text. So according to her divorce lawyer and the lawyer I talked to it is enough to prove an knowledge on my part in the eyes of the court. I will have to testify in court about our relationship. It’s going to be humiliating and embarrassing. It’s out that we had a relationship while she was married. People think I was knowingly carried on with a married woman. They don’t have kids and their incomes are the same but their divorce is messy and he has no interest in working it out or going to mediate or settle. He is going for a fault divorce and with all the evidence he will get it. I am so angry at her. I broke up with her and have gone no contact. She kept trying to explain her way out of it. She tried to tell me the marriage was over when it was not after it came out. It was all lies again. I honestly thought she was the one. I feel so stupid. I don’t know why I fell for her act and don’t know what is wrong with me. I am dreading seeing her in court. I swear I didn’t know but people think I did and that I’m lying to save face. They think I knowingly had a long term affair with a married woman while he husband had cancer. I told everyone we were going to get married one day and was going to ask her. My family, friends and people at work know. Sorry I’m rambling but I feel like an idiot.

    1. Turtlewings*

      I’m so sorry. Everything about that is terrible. Keep right on telling people, when the subject comes up, that no you did NOT know she was married. “She told me once that she was, but then told me she was joking and I believed her.” She’s the one at fault here, and anyone who can’t take the time to listen to you before judging, you don’t want to be friends with anyway. (It stings a lot anyway. I know. I’m sorry.)

      There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you. You trusted someone you cared about; sometimes that turns out to be a mistake, but that’s because of her actions, not yours. ((internet hugs))

    2. Athena*

      I don’t have much to say except that you’ve got some hugs from an internet stranger. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

    3. Lcsa99*

      I am sorry. All I can say is people suck. I agree with the others, just keep defending yourself when necessary. You’re gonna need to put up a bit of a shield though, and try not to care who believes you.

    4. Clever Name*

      Ughhhh. That really suuuucks. I believe you that you truly didn’t know. You’ll get through this.

    5. Nameless*

      This is all on her. I’m married and dating and am very upfront about that fact.

      Yeah, it’s going to suck having to testify, but one upside is that you can point to your testimony *under oath* that you didn’t Know. So I can say it’s anyone who doesn’t believe you doesn’t deserve you as a friend.

    7. Lauren R*

      I’m so so sorry this happened to you. That is awful. For whatever it’s worth, I’m willing to bet that more people believe your story than you can see right now; it’s hard to believe others aren’t judging us harshly when we’re feeling so ashamed and embarrassed, but that impression isn’t always accurate. When we’re being hard on ourselves, it feels logical that others should be hard on us too and it’s easy to read into people’s actions more so than usual. Please talk to someone you really trust about your fears and maybe they can help ease them; if they won’t, they don’t seem like very kind people to me and you may consider seeing a therapist who can help you more effectively and with compassion!

      You say you were really really open about this relationship and while your shame is understandable now (even if it shouldn’t be your burden to carry at all), that openness probably works in your favor as far as people believing you. Why would you go around being so blatant about your relationship with this woman if you were opposed to the truth coming out and planned to deny it? Most people who are cheating try to be discreet and secretive about their behavior, which is one of the reasons you were so caught off guard when you found out. And why would you end the relationship right when her marriage ended if that’s what you’d been waiting for? Anyone who is thinking logically and not just being a gossip would believe you and I’m sure the people who matter most, those who really know you, would believe you regardless. You are so clearly heartbroken and appalled by her behavior and the position she put you in and I can’t imagine anyone who heard you speak about this awful situation would come away thinking you were on board with her cheating, let alone hold it against you.

      I am so sorry again and hope your heart begins to heal very soon. Most people understand that cheaters aren’t always obvious and can be good at deceiving people – otherwise it wouldn’t happen at all since no one would ever be fooled, and her husband surely would have known long before now. You are NOT to blame here. You were as much of a victim as he was. She lied to you and used you and you are allowed to be hurt and angry but please do NOT feel guilty because you’re not. You feel guilty right now not because you are but because you are kind and honest and have strong values. I hope as time heals your pain you will see that, and I hope those around you are there to help you see it.

    8. Thlayli*

      I’m so sorry. In court just tell the truth. That’s all you can do. The husband isn’t suing you for alienation of affection by the sound of it, so you are just a witness and can’t be punished in any way. Ultimately you are just there to confirm that yes she was cheating on her husband, and whether you knew or not is not really relevant so hopefully the lawyers won’t dwell on it too much.

      It will be embarrassing, and I feel for you. It sounds awful to have you heart crushed like that.

      The only silver lining is at least you found out before you proposed or got her pregnant. so maybe try to focus on that?

  79. New Bee*

    We’re having a mini family reunion at the end of March! It’ll be my first time in Kansas City– and food or attraction recs?

  80. Elizabeth West*

    I took an hour out of my day today to watch ‘Memory of the Camps,’ a documentary PBS Frontline aired, made up of footage taken at the cleanup of Bergen-Belsen, Dachau, and other camps during the Allied liberation. I thought I’d already seen most of the worst pictures and film that came out of WWII in various other documentaries and series.

    Yeah, no.

    That was excruciatingly hard to watch. But I think everyone should see it. I won’t post a link; if you are so inclined, just google the title.

    Forgetting is not an option. #HolocaustRemembranceDay

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      You reminded me that I spent 15 minutes listening to a story on “The Moth” (public radio storytelling program) told by a man who was a boy in Bergen-Belsen. I think the title of his first book was “A Boy in Bergen.”

      People can be so, so horrible to each other. And it’s so hard to fight against every instance of cruelty (from inflicting pain on individuals to full-on genocide) because that’s the road to burnout and not being present in one’s own life and family and friendships.

      I guess I should remember that people can also be amazingly kind.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        You know how Mister Rogers said his mother told him “Look for the helpers”? The people who hid Jews are the ones I try to come back to. Those people risked their own lives to save others because they knew what was happening was so very wrong. I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately.

        When we read Anne Frank’s diary in middle school, I asked myself then, would I have done it if I had the means? At thirteen, my answer was hell yes. You think about stuff as a kid, and then you get older, and you start to consider the risks more. And that can change your perspective. But my answer to that question hasn’t changed. It’s still hell yes.

    2. paul*

      A few years ago–right around the time my oldest was born–I made a concerted effort to try to read up on the Holocaust; I made it through three books–Primo Levi’s The Drowned and the Saved, Browning’s Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101, and Sereny’s “Into that Darkness”. I couldn’t pick up the next one I meant to read after finishing “Into that Darkness”. I couldn’t even finish “Darkness” without the help of a *lot* of alcohol, to the point where I’m kind of hazy on parts of the book. It’s a topic that chews you up and spits you out but you’re right, forgetting is not an option.

    4. Hellanon*

      Everyone should see those documentaries. And anyone who proclaims themselves a nazi, or some flavor thereof, should also be sent on a field trip to the WWII cemeteries in Europe. Let them take a hard look at the toll those ideas took on their uncles and grandfathers and greatgrandfathers too…

      1. amy l*

        While on a mission trip to Poland. We went to Auschwitz and Birkenau. Chilling. Its hard to wrap your head around that level of pure insanity and cruelty.

      2. Observer*

        Those people DO NOT CARE. They will explain that there were REASONS why the Germans did what they did.

  81. Someone else*

    People who are fans of instant-pot:
    Do you think it would be worth it/as useful/interesting for a vegetarian? I do occasionally see instant-pot recipes for vegetarian things, but it seems like the bulk of the convenience-factor seems to revolve around stuff I’d never eat.

    What say you?

    1. AliceBD*

      I don’t have one but the thing I see my friends raving about the most is how easy and quick it is to cook dried beans in. So if you like beans, there are definitely vegetarian options for the instant pot.

    2. CAA*

      Well, I am cooking rice in mine right now and yesterday I made a black bean soup where I could have used veggie broth. Also, if you eat yogurt, it’s great for making your own. I think it just depends on what you like. They’re better for grains or dried legumes than most fresh vegetables (you can do some nice pureed soups with things like squash though), so if you mostly eat fresh veggies or if a large part of your diet is raw food, then it may not be for you.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      Yes. Beans, rice, lentils, quinoa, sweet potatoes (and regular potatoes), cabbage, spaghetti squash, all awesome in the IP. I second for Jill Nussinow.

    5. Blue_eyes*

      We eat mostly vegetarian and I love my instant pot for things like beans, beets, mashed potatoes. Beans and beets both take sooo long to cook by other methods, but are done so quickly and come out very tender in the instant pot. I made mashed potatoes in it for the first time recently and the potatoes were so soft I could mash them with a wooden spoon, no potato masher needed. (I made them into a vegetarian “loaded mashed potatoes” by adding black beans, corn kernels, shredded cheddar, etc).

      I got the instant pot instead of a slow cooker because the pressure cooker feature is good for a lot of vegetarian foods, while I feel like the slow cooking is often better for meat dishes.

    6. Lily Evans*

      I don’t have an instant pot, but my roommates are vegan and have an instant pot and use it constantly for making rice/other grains, chili, and soups. I’d found this list in case I ever want to use their pot, but I haven’t gotten around to it!

    7. Overeducated*

      I’m not sure…I cook mostly vegetarian and I think the instant pot hasn’t added a lot of value on that front. My beans rarely come out as consistent as after 3 hours in the slow cooker, I’ve even had some overcook while others in the pot are still crunchy, and I can’t figure out why. There are a few things that go slightly faster than on the stove but not really enough to be worth it. (I’m still working on using it effectively after a year though, I don’t find adjusting cook times and liquid from stovetop recipes intuitive at all. I think I’m in the minority here.)

        1. Overeducated*

          I haven’t tried! I did make glazed sweet potatoes, and that was indeed fast (30 min?) and cooked well, though I want to figure out if it would work with slightly less liquid. The problem with adjusting instant pot recipes is, of course, that you can’t monitor as you cook, you just set it and hope foe the best. Roasting is the only way I ever cook hard squashes, I haven’t seen a recipe for doing one in the instant pot, but now I really want to investigate that, especially given that I have two to pre-cook for a tart filling tonight. If I try something new I will report back….

          1. paul*

            Thanks :) and please do! Honestly if it’s good at hard squashes that’d be enough reason for me to buy one. As is they’re rare for me to cook just because of how long they take and how big a pain they are to cut up before cooking (and with 4 of us we can go through a *lot*–last time we went through 2 full butternuts).

            2. Overeducated*

              I had more time than nerve today, so I used the oven again. Maybe next time…I did Google a bit and it looks like it’s possible to do but not in a way that saves you the trouble of peeling and chopping.

        2. Snark*

          It’s great for squash. I make a Peruvian lamb and butternut stew and it turns out perfectly in the IP.

      2. Snark*

        My feeling is that a) looking for fresher beans would be good and b) that you need to soak them before you cook them. People keep telling me you can cook beans without soaking in the IP, and I just….don’t believe them.

        1. Overeducated*

          I tried soaking last weekend and they got overcooked and basically melted into my soup (3 kinds of beans, each cooked separately via hip pressure cooking timetables). Maybe I soaked them too long? “Overnight” is not very specific. The method of cooking unsoaked beans for one minute in place of a soaking worked ok once, but it was more hands on than slow cooking, and still took around an hour with all the depressurizing.

          They are standard grocery store dried beans, i’d like to try fresh to see the difference sometime, but for the meanwhile I feel like beans shouldn’t take this much trouble shooting.

    8. Starley*

      I’m vegan and use mine several times a week! It’s great for beans, rice, curries, soups, chili, all kinds of stuff.

    9. deesse877*

      I’ve been very pleased with results on beans, haiga rice, steel-cut oatmeal: much more uniform results than the stovetop, and less time than slow-cooking beans. I do have to fiddle sometimes, as the manual’s suggested cooking times and water amounts seem to be consistently too much for whole grains and too little for beans. With the beans, though, if they’re crunchy just add water and run it again at the same pressure for half the time. Because there’s no stirring you won’t break them down to mush if you overshoot the optimal cook time. Once you have the water figured out, you can get results from old Goya beans that are comparable to new-crop Rancho Gordo stuff.

    10. Anon for This*

      I’ve seen a lot of recipes for vegetarian stuff.

      There is a rice cooker function which can be used on other grain type things as well.

      There is a yogurt maker.

      You don’t have to presoak lentils or beans.

      From what I’ve heard, the pressure cooking helps build flavor in sauces and stews better so you can get a sauce that tastes like it has been simmering all day in a short amount of time.

      I’m not sure how the times of the pressure cooked veggie dishes vs normal veggie dishes vary. And I’m guessing that being able to saute and then slowcook or pressure cook in the same pot might not be as important if you don’t have meat to brown.

      We got one and got rid of our separate crockpot and rice cooker so one appliance took the place of 2 previous ones, plus we got the pressure cooking feature as well (didn’t have a pressure cooker before).

      I think it all really depends on what you cook, and how you generally cook.

  82. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

    Can we talk US Passports?

    Planning our first cruise. Neither my husband nor I have ever had a passport, plus we need to get one for our 7 year old. The cruise we are planning on goes to Mexico. We plan to get passport books for all three of us, but is the passport card really necessary or is it just a “nice to have” feature?

    One aspect of this is that we live in California which has just started the conversion to Real IDs, so currently we do not have one. With the new regs for domestic travel requiring a Real ID, we are SOL. We do not plan to pay to replace our DL at this time, but the passport would serve as a Real ID for domestic flights (which we do several times a year).

    I have friends who swear that we need both passport card and book, but I don’t know if I see the value in having both when the book will do it all. But I’ve also not traveled internationally in a long time and we are preparing for 3-4 international trips within 5 years.

    Any suggestions?

    1. Simone R*

      If you have the book, there’s no need for the card. I don’t know why the passport card would even be “nice to have” if you’ve gotten the book.

    2. Undine*

      “California has an extension for REAL ID enforcement, allowing Federal agencies to accept driver’s licenses and identification cards from California at Federal facilities, nuclear power plants and federally regulated commercial aircraft until October 10, 2018.”

      https://www.dhs.gov/real-id/california

      The card has limited use for international travel (Canada, Mexico, and a few other places in the northwest quartisphere). I guess it’s convenient if you travel to one of those places frequently and you want to be able to carry a card and not a book. The book is bulkier and cannot be carried in a pocket or billfold. However there are lots of travel wallet thingies you can get for carrying them for a family.

      3-4 international trips is not very many. When I applied for my last passport, the woman at the window explained to someone else that the extended book (more pages) is for when you travel internationally once or twice a month.

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      This past summer I went to France and Spain with just the book. I’ve also been to Mexico with just the book. I don’t think the card is necessary at all.

    4. Shoe*

      I got the passport card really just as a back-up. But I do a lot of non-flying travel into Canada, so it’s just handy because you can keep it in your wallet. Definitely not necessary.

    5. Lcsa99*

      I worked for a cruise company for several years and agree with the others. You only need the card if you plan to do a lot of international travel. Otherwise, the book is fine.

      Honestly for me, when I got my first passport I got a kick out of having the book. But I am a dork.

    6. Savannnah*

      A pasport has no restrictions while the card is only for Mexico, Canada and the Caribbean. If you are getting passports, you do not need a passport card.

    9. CAA*

      You do not need a REAL ID until October 1, 2020, so it’s probably best to keep using your CA drivers licenses for domestic flights as long as you can. If you use a passport, it’s just one more thing to keep track of and risk losing.

      I live 10 miles from the southern border, and I just use my regular passport book for occasional travel to Mexico. If I worked there and were going back and forth daily I’d get a passport card to keep in my wallet, but otherwise, I can’t see a reason to have one.

      Also, if your cruise is a round trip voyage, you do not actually need passports right away. Birth certificates plus drivers licenses can still be used for round trip cruises. I do think passports are a good idea, because there’s no question about their legitimacy for proving both identity and citizenship, and you can also use them to fly home from your cruise in case of emergency; but I wanted to throw it out there in case you might want to wait and delay the expense until a trip where they’re really required.

    10. Lily Evans*

      I agree that you don’t really need the card if you have the book. Plus, using the book for domestic travel is totally fine! I’ve used mine instead of my license flying within the US before and no one seemed to think it was weird. Also it counts as a Real ID.

    11. Enough*

      You only need the card if you routinely travel to Canada or Mexico and that’s just for convenience. And the card is not real ID compliant so worthless for flying. Just get the passports

    12. Free Meerkats*

      I got both because I frequently have to go on the Navy base here for work and the card lives in my wallet. The booklet stays in the safe unless I need it.

      For your purposes, it sounds like all you need is the booklet.

    13. Blue_eyes*

      Just get the passport book. It’s more useful since it works for all countries and flying. The passport card is convenient if you are going to go to one of the countries it covers frequently, but otherwise it’s unnecessary. A lot of people I work with travel frequently all over the world and all of them have just the passport book.

    14. miyeritari*

      what is a passport card?

      I say this as a us passport holder who has been to 5-10 countries.

      As an aside as a california resident, you can upgrade your driver’s licenses to the real ID drivers license with a bill showing your CA address and a trip to to the dmv.

    16. Searching*

      I have both, but rarely use the card – it’s more for back-up. I was VERY happy I had the card when I tried to check into a hotel in Europe last year. My passport book was at my dad’s house (where we stayed for most of the trip) – I don’t like to carry it around with me since I’m a little paranoid I’ll lose it, or get robbed or something (happened to a friend). The hotel wouldn’t accept my US driver license as official ID for some reason. Luckily I could pull out my passport card and they accepted that. But of course that is an unusual circumstance.

    17. Lindsay J*

      I got the card when I got the book because iirc it wasn’t that much more expensive.

      I have never really used the card.

      I do generally keep it stashed in the bottom of a different bag than my passport book and wallet is in when I travel, so if I happen to get robbed or lose my stuff I have some form of legal ID on me.

      Um, I have used it in the States a couple times when I needed to show an ID for something and had left my driver’s license somewhere other than in my wallet.

      I can see the use I guess maybe if you live on a border and are crossing several times a month. But for general travel a couple times a year I see no real point.

  83. Nacho*

    I just learned, after 28 years of life, that sleeping without a top sheet is a thing. I want to try buying a duvet now because honestly fuck messing with my sheets every night, but that shit’s about $150, so I’m a little scared of wasting money just to find out it’s not any better than the comforter I’ve got now. Anyone else not bother with a top sheet and just use a duvet?

    1. Headachey*

      Yes, and I won’t go back. In the winter I use a wool-filled duvet in a duvet cover, and in the summer a light cotton quilt, adding other quilts or blankets on top if it’s between seasons.

    2. fposte*

      Me. I started a few years ago after a trip to Scandinavia and some blog trending of the practice. I wish I’d done it years ago.

      If you like the weight of your current comforter, you can just get a duvet cover and pop the thing in rather than buying a whole new duvet. You might want to take a quick stitch in the far corners to keep the thing flat; my favorite duvet covers have ribbon ties on the inside corner that tie through little bands on my down comforter to achieve the same thing.

    5. Temperance*

      I use a machine washable comforter and wash it regularly. Duvets don’t work for me for the same reason that I hate top sheets – I’m a violent sleeper and move a lot.

      My mother mandated that we use a top sheet, and I always hated it, because I’d get tangled up in it every night. Not using a top sheet is amazing, and I highly recommend.

    6. paul*

      I haven’t used a top sheet in years. I like fleecey blankets more than duvets though and they’re cheaper. I bought myself a lovely blue Sherpa Throw Luxury blanket on amazon because it looked soft and had good reviews for Christmas this year and OMG best thing ever. So warm.

    7. Jillociraptor*

      Yep! Our peace-keeping strategy for sharing a bed is to each have our own comforter/duvet, and the utility of that is severely undercut by having to share a top sheet. Don’t miss it at all.

    8. Sleepful in NY*

      Funny,when I came to the USA, I thought the top sheet was such an odd thing. Getting twisted in it and it made me wonder how often people washed those duvets on top.
      I grew up, and still never use a top sheet. The important thing is that you buy one of those plain white duvets ( in whatever thickness/density you desire) and then preferably two duvet COVERS.
      Then you just pull those over it ( which can be a pain in the buttocks, but you can find info online how to do it easier) and enjoy your sleep.
      Home Goods and Target have some decently priced covers. Charter Club makes pretty good duvets ( they are cheaper than ones like the Hotel Collection and hold up well)

    9. Thlayli*

      I have had duvets since they became widely available on the 80s. On the occasions I have to sleep with a sheet and blankets I find it really uncomfortable and annoying. duvet all the way!

    10. Lcsa99*

      Both my husband and I can’t stand using a top sheet! We use a soft blanket in the summer and a duvet in the winter and it’s really nice.

    12. Merci Dee*

      Our household is an even split. I sleep with a top sheet, and my daughter doesn’t. I sleep relatively calmly at night and my daughter…. definitely doesn’t. She’s very active during the day and sees no reason to stop just because she’s asleep. The top sheet usually ends up wadded into a bundle between the mattress and the footboard because she kicks her covers down but only grabs the comforter to pull back up when she gets cold.

      I remembered to leave off her top sheet when I washed the linens yesterday.

    13. HannahS*

      Yeah, always just a duvet. When I was little and had just a comforter, I slept under just the comforter and occasionally my mom would wash it. I only use a top sheet for when it’s hot and muggy out and it’s the only thing I’m sleeping under. But whoa, 150 for a duvet?? That’s way too much. I sleep under an Ikea one and it’s totally fine for me–although it’s a square, so it doesn’t fit perfectly within a standard duvet cover. Groupon also has deals on duvets sometimes.

    14. ADB_BWG*

      Me! Stopped using top sheets after a trip to Germany.

      I get inexpensive duvet covers from Ikea and wash them with the bottom sheet / pillowcases. In the summer I use the cover (without duvet) as a light blanket/sheet. I’ve also put already-owned comforters inside the duvet cover.

    15. NeverNicky*

      It’s been … 30 years? since I’ve used a top sheet. It’s pretty standard in the UK to just have a duvet (in a cover) as covering, with a bottom sheet.

      I’d suggest having a duvet a size bigger than your bed so there’s plenty to snuggle into.

    16. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I am definitely a duvet person – I always used to kick off the top sheet in my sleep before deciding to just not bother with them.

      1. amy l*

        I’ve gotten into the odd habit of just sleeping on top on my made bed with just a blanket. So when I get up in the morning, I fold the blanket (that I was sleeping under and just straighten up the (still) made bed. It came from sheer exhaustion one night after dealing with two sick kids. I grabbed the extra blanket from across the bottom of the bed and didn’t bother getting in between the sheets. I guess it’s easier that I sleep alone. Which I have grown to love.

    18. RestlessRenegade*

      I only sleep with a top sheet in summer, because I like having something covering my core. In winter, I use a blanket, no top sheet. I have never owned and will probably never own a duvet…because I’m cheap. ;)

    19. Raine*

      I tend to sleep with a fleece blanket or fleece comforter (at least I think one would call it a comforter), sometimes a combination of both because I need something with weight on top of me or I can’t sleep. Can’t afford a weighted blanket that would be big enough or I would use one all the time. I think it would be totally fine to just put a cover on a comforter and call it good, way cheaper than buying a whole new setup.

  84. Ms. Gullible*

    I just need to get this off my chest. I feel like talking about this is the only way I’m going to move past this.

    My birthday was Tuesday and my son’s was Monday. I decided to take Monday off for both of our birthdays and get some errands done. I took kiddos to daycare while I had my annual physical. Afterwards, kids and I come home to find their dad coming out of our house with a woman. The same woman I’ve accused him of cheating on me for the last year. He had the audacity to tell me this was not the first time.

    My plans changed that day. I spend half bawling my eyes out wondering how I could be so naive. The other half of the day I went into a rage, got a lawyer to file for custody, filed for child support, and started looking at new place.

    I’m so devasted this happened.

    1. Sam Foster*

      I’m very sorry to hear about your pain. Here’s hoping that you come through this better on the other side.

    2. Reba*

      That must have been so shocking and awful, I’m sorry. It does sound like you are on top of your sh*t though! You are taking care of yourself and your kids with amazing speed. Good luck with the process going forward.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am so very sorry.
      You are not gullible. You are sincere. There is a difference.
      Good for you for taking quick action.

    6. EmilyAnn*

      You’re not gullible. Unmarried and childless here so I won’t pretend to know how it feels to have your world destroyed. But! He made promises to love and be faithful and you’re not gullible for believing them. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I wish you nothing but the best. Just remember it will be over. You are at the earliest and most painful part. Remember to keep your eyes forward. “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind”. Internet Hugs from this stranger.

    8. Kuododi*

      Oh my dear….there is some pain that is beyond words….You and your precious ones are in my heart!!!

    10. Anonymous Ampersand*

      What a shitty birthday present.

      I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

      Well done for being strong enough to take action straight away.

      Keep talking to us. This place has been invaluable helping me through leaving my husband.

    11. Thlayli*

      I’m so sorry. You are not gullible, you trusted someone you love. He is the one who behaved awfully.

    12. London Calling*

      * The other half of the day I went into a rage, got a lawyer to file for custody, filed for child support, and started looking at new place.*

      I’m in awe of you. I wish under similar circumstances I’d done the same instead of being a victim and doing the pick-me dance for two miserable years. Use that rage as fuel.

      1. nep*

        Powerful.
        OP as others have said, you are not gullible. Sounds like you are love and you are power.
        We all lift you up and wish you well. Sorry you’re having to go through this. But get through it you will.

        1. Ms. Gullible*

          Thank you all. All of your words are reassuring my actions right now.

          London Calling, the last year I’ve played the pick me charade and hoped my suspicions weren’t valid.

          I believe I feel gullible as I had a high school sweetheart that I was with for 5 years and a girl I was suspicious of from his work opened his apartment door to let me in. Similar circumstances as now but we didn’t have kids or live together but my heart was just as invested. (And at least he was apologetic.)

          I feel like an idiot that this happened to me twice. I think it’s crappy enough once. Either I drive these men to cheat, I have a bad picker, or some bad karma.

          1. Observer*

            I don’t know if you are a bad picker. But you did NOT “drive” these men to cheat. They both had other options, and chose not to exercise them. That’s on THEM, not on you!

    13. Liblady*

      I am so sorry this happened to you. Go to the site : chumplady. It’s an online community for people cheated on by spouses. It provides great support and practical advice. You are mighty and will get through this.

  85. Lauren R*

    So some of you may remember I’ve posted before about my dog Thumper. As I mentioned, she passed away a couple of weeks ago at the start of the new year. Thanks so much for all the kind words many of you offered! I loved her very much and still miss her a lot. I do have some happy news to share today though: I found a dog to adopt, and I’m bringing her home tomorrow :) I’m very nervous but excited too! Her name is Clover and she’s an 8 year old chihuahua (maybe?) mix. I saw her on Petfinder and just fell in love; I went to an adoption event to meet her last weekend and she’s so sweet. I’ve talked a lot with her foster mom and it seems like it will be a great match!

    I’m sure the next few days will be a rollercoaster of “yay I have a dog here again” and “oh god this was a huge mistake”. That’s how it was with Thumper honestly. I was so used to having my previous dog Cassie around; it was just second nature to be with her and I didn’t have to think about it. And then having to adapt to another dog who was also trying to adapt to me at the same time was so weird and difficult. It was like I just couldn’t relax at all. I’m not looking forward to feeling that way again and am a little scared about that part since it was just really upsetting at the time. But I’m trying to remember that with Thumper it passed pretty quickly and once it did, I felt the same kind of natural connection to her that I had with Cassie in the past. And Clover’s supposedly very “easy” and adapts quickly; as much as I loved Thumper, she was not those things haha If anyone has any advice for getting through that adjustment period, that’d be awesome – though I suspect it just takes time. I really do think it’ll be a great thing once those first few days are behind us. I’m in a place emotionally where I feel ready to adopt and I really do love having a dog around so it’s nice to know I’ll have a little companion again soon.

    Thanks so much again to all of you for listening and offering support. I know I’ll always miss Thumper and your kind words meant a lot. Hopefully I will have happier things to share in the future. Wish me luck! :)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Welcome, little Clover! yippee!

      Not really what you are looking for, but one of the first things I taught my new pup was how to take naps with me. This meant we could have down time and still be together. It gave us both a break. He was nine pounds and slept on my stomach. Now he is 60 pounds and I had to get an oversized recliner to hold the both of us.

      1. Lauren R*

        Thank you!! That’s actually very helpful! I’m picking her up at 8am (leaving at 7) and I doubt I’ll get much restful sleep tonight so napping will probably be in my future anyway. Since she’s on the older side (8 years), I’m guessing she’ll be up for one too and doing it together may help her feel more relaxed around me.

        And I can relate to the recliner thing for sure – Thumper thought all my furniture was hers and that she was just kindly sharing it with me every now and then haha

        2. Not So NewReader*

          She is sharing.. hahaha.
          One day my guy jumped into the recliner first because he knew we were going to sit in the recliner together. Of course he takes up the whole seat of the recliner. The look on his face, “I can’t figure out what went wrong here….”. I said to him, “I have to get in the recliner FIRST.” He jumped down. lol. Cute.

    3. rubyrose*

      Just went through the adjustment period with Hailee, my rescue dog, estimated to be 3 years old.
      The first week of walks were especially hard, since we did not have each other’s walking rhythm down yet. It took patience and walking slower than I normally would for us to figure it out.
      I found myself really observing what she was doing and how she would react. That helped me understand where she was at, what she knew and didn’t know. With that knowledge, I could better adapt to what was going to work with her.
      Eliminate optional outside activities for a few weeks, so you can concentrate on Clover.
      We went to a series of dog training classes at PetSmart. Listening to the concerns of other new (and not so new) pet parents was especially helpful. There was a 7 year old dog there, so they are never too old.
      Such a lucky dog Clover is!

    4. Kristina S*

      Hi! Sorry to hear of the loss of your baby Thumper but congrats on your new baby Clover!
      I just had to reply to you because in 2014, I was in your shoes. Sept ’14 my baby boy Mo got really sick. We fought hard for him for a week but I finally had to make the decision to let him go. The vet’s office was great. I held him and whispered love in his ear as he passed. I didn’t just cry, I waited! I was a mess. I couldn’t go home to an empty house so I stayed with a friend. I had to go to work the next day, a Friday. Everyone knew. One of my coworkers asked how I felt and I said, “Empty. I feel so empty.” I just drifted the whole day.

      The next day, I went to Austin Pets Alive! and just wandered around. An elderly man who was a volunteer asked if I was ok and I just lost it! I fell into his arms and went. I babbled about my loss and emptiness. Sweet man hugged me and told me that maybe I wasn’t ready yet, said for me to go home and rest.

      I kept thinking that I needed to fill this hole that the loss of Mo left. Everyday after work I would go to the shelter and see the little dogs. I got approved for adoption on Monday but none of the ones I looked at felt right.

      On Wednesday night, I put feelers out to see if any friends would come with me the next day for support. Two of my friends volunteered.

      Thursday evening and I met my friends at the shelter. I had my heart set on another boy but none of them felt right. Until my friend pointed out a girl named Pepsi. She was in one of the bottom kennels. We got her out and took her to the small dogs play area. I sat down with her in my lap. She put her head against my chest and sighed. I petted her and she started going to sleep. I started to cry and told my friends, “She’s the one!”

      I got her home and had that “OMG!” moment but it quickly faded. It was definitely an adjustment period for sure! I had to teach her how to walk on a leash. She had to teach me patience.
      I had to keep reminding myself that she isn’t Mo. She’s up against me right now under the covers snoozing. I kept the name Pepsi. I think it suits her!

      Sorry for the long post – I really just came here to say, it’s an adjustment period for not just you, it is for her too! Just be patient and give her all the love she can handle! She’ll return the favor a million times over!

  86. Shay*

    Today I did good, really good. I don’t quite feel it, believe it, but I know it. And today that’s enough.

  87. Elizabeth West*

    WHO IS EXCITED FOR EUROVISION 2018 IN MAY?!?!

    ME, THAT’S WHO!

    I really wish I could watch it in the UK. Then I could get Graham Norton’s commentary. I’m always stuck with the pathetic and unfunny Americans on the Logo TV internet feed. Ugh.

    1. anon24*

      I’m going to be honest that I don’t know what you’re talking about, but is this something you could use a VPN and mock your location as Europe to get a different feed? Or is the Europe version TV only?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Eurovision is an international song competition, open to members of the European Union (and Australia somehow snuck in there a couple of years ago, wth). It started in the 1950s as the European Broadcasting Union’s way to bring countries together around a lighthearted event following WWII. Each country submits an original song and then people vote on them. It’s kind of like American Idol, only with countries. It’s weird and fun and the staging of the numbers gets really over the top sometimes. :D

        I looked into a VPN, but many VPN services aren’t free and some of them are a little sketchy. I’m not sure I want to sign up for something just to watch one event. It’s not really necessary even to see British TV; most of the platforms I already subscribe to have tons of shows.

    3. Almost Violet Miller*

      I used to LOVE Eurovision but since they’d started presenting the votes in a different way I haven’t really watched it. My favorite part was how the viewers from different countries voted but now we get a lot more detail on the juries’ votes which I find boring. I want to see how geopolitical drama unfolds every May on TV for a night.

      Do you have some favorite songs? I loved that Norwegian violinist singing about a fairy tale and Lordi were also great, just to name a few.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        “Rise Like a Phoenix”–Conchita Wurst’s 2014 win–is how I first became more aware of it. “Amar pelos dois,” Portugal’s winning entry last year (sung by Salvador Sabral), was amazing. I liked “I Can’t Go On” (Sweden, sung by Robin Bengtsson) even though it was a little cheesy because it was fun (and he was hot , haha).

        Here’s a list from last year, if anyone wants to hear the songs. http://wiwibloggs.com/eurovision-2017-songs-participating-countries/

    4. Epiphyta*

      MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

      OMG, the Logo commentators are the actual WORST. I do a watch-and-post with a friend from the IoM and every year she shares what Graham is saying, and I am so jealous. She also votes for me!

    5. Buu*

      I’ll be posting garbage all through it on Twitter, hate/love it. Norton can be pretty funny and I loved it the year the hosting country pranked him in the booth, but I really miss Wogan.

      If you don’t want to US commentary then I believe you can stream commentary free on the Eurovision website.

  88. Dating dilemma*

    How should a woman handle dating, online or IRL, when they are not thin or conventionally attractive? I graduated top of my class in both high school and college, I have a degree and a good, stable job making 100k a year, where I am respected by people I work with and deal with. I have a condo and own a car and have no debt except for my mortgage, my credit score is good and my finances/savings are in order, I don’t have a criminal record and beyond not being in shape because of my weight I have no physical or other health issues. I don’t smoke or use drugs or drink beyond an odd glass of wine the odd time at social gatherings. I keep up with my hygiene and wear clean, ironed and presentable clothing. My home is clean, I read fiction and non-fiction and I am informed on current events. I have a loving family where everyone gets along and good friends. But I know I am not pretty and will never be (barring surgery beyond an extreme makeover level, and weight loss akin to the Biggest Loser). It makes dating so hard. I accept that I am not pretty. I take care of my hygiene and grooming habits wear clean presentable clothes but I will never be close to thin or good looking. I’m okay with it. I have accepted it is not something I can change and I don’t obsess chasing something I will never have. The only time my looks are relevant is when it comes to dating, otherwise I honestly don’t think about it. I have such a hard time because it seems men can’t look beyond my appearance. I don’t care about looks so much (good hygiene is a dealbreaker but I don’t need a supermodel) and I would like a long term relationship leading to marriage but I have never had any luck with dating online or in real life. Blind dates go south when they see what I look like. I have never been flirted with or asked out in real life and have hardly had a bite in online dating. I’m just looking for advice, tips and commiseration. I am not 30 yet but I feel like I will always be alone. Can anyone relate, if you don’t mind sharing?

    *when I made my list of the positives I have going for me, I didn’t mean to imply that people without any or all of those things are bad or not worthy of dating. I was talking about myself only and all the things I have going for me.

    1. Ellie*

      The first thought that comes to mind is that you should do what you like with your life, and people who are meant to be in your life- including partners- will come into it as you do the things YOU enjoy.

      The second thought is something along the lines of “What are you doing to put yourself out there?” On the surface, it might seem at odds with my first thought …. but I’m actually speaking from personal experience – the two things go together. The only thing that kept me from dating, whether casually or seriously, was that I wasn’t making myself available. Are you dressing in ways that are flattering to you personally? Wearing your hair and any make-up you choose to wear in ways that are flattering to you personally? Please ignore trends and fads, but realize it does take more than good hygiene and clean presentable clothing to signal your interest in dating.

      In short? It might be worth your while to pursue your own interests while taking steps to put your best version of yourself forward. Don’t wait around for anyone to ask you out!! Do what it takes for you to feel your best about yourself, and if to meet someone you’d like to get to know better, then ask that person out!!

      I’d be more specific and detailed, but it’s 4 am where I am …

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. Feeling good in your clothing, knowing that you’re doing what you want to do with your life, etc., those are all things that help someone exude confidence in everything they do, and that’s attractive.

    2. Thlayli*

      You honestly sound like a catch! You are awesome. Looks are just one small thing, not the whole package. They are obviously the first thing most people notice so they get a lot of focus, but they are such a small part of the overall package.

      Online dating I’m not sure about, but IRL confidence and being outgoing are the sexist things. I would much rather get to know a confident overweight ugly guy, than a nervous quiet drop dead gorgeous guy. It’s all about attitude.

      Also, maybe consider who you target. A guy who looks like he spends a lot of time in the gym and picking his clothes will probably put more value on appearances. A guy who is also overweight is less likely to dismiss you for being overweight. So don’t waste your time with the gymbunnies. I’m sure there are plenty of overweight guys who have just as much going for them as you do.

    3. Savannnah*

      Ok so as someone who is overweight and has dated a lot here is some advice:
      1. This may seem counterintuitive but online dating was amazing for me. Sell yourself, the real you, on a profile- use full body pictures so people know what you look like- so there is no surprise and you’re not worried about it. Just this is who I am- I’m a smart funny accomplished woman, see me world.
      2. Message guys online- the vast majority of men get 1-2 messages from women and send out 100s. Don’t let guys pick your dating pool for you. Additionally messaging guys directly is sure to get attention.
      3. This one is really important: it is a total myth, made up, not true at all that most guys are only attracted to thin women. This is a lie with a lot of social crap around it. Confidence is extremely sexy and guys will respond to that. I’m 230 lbs and never dated in high school or college. Once I stopped believing no one would find me attractive I went on lots of dates, had lots of sex and found a man to marry (this is not everyone’s life goal but since you asked about it)
      4. Don’t waste anytime on men who are not attracted to you or those with poor qualities. Being overweight does not mean setting for less love or passion. Keep your standards high especially if you are looking for potential marriage material.
      Let me know if you have questions and good luck!

      2. Almost Violet Miller*

        Really well said!

        Confidence is key to any relationship at any point! Guys who want to make you feel weak do not deserve a shot or have to be let go!

      3. The Other Dawn*

        Very well said!

        Also, Dating Dilemma, –and this isn’t something I did myself, but my friend did–have you tried checking out dating sites that are specifically for men who like larger women? My friend did that and found it less stressful. The guys on the site like bigger women and if you’re on there, they know you’re bigger. She found that a higher percentage of men were actually interested HER. Yes, there were some creeps just like every other site and IRL, but she seemed to have more success that way. The guys already knew she was overweight so it wasn’t even a factor, which put her more at ease and helped her be more confident. She wasn’t thinking, “Is he going to run away when he sees how big I am??” Just wanted to mention it in case you hadn’t yet tried that.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Just my observation as a woman, the women who get attention are the ones with positive energy. I mean accomplishments and interests, people have to have positive energy about them in order to build up their lives like you have. I bet you have positive energy. I am basing that just on what you have done with your life so far. You are not yet thirty and look at what you have done.

      Aim for guys who have similar levels of life accomplishments. These are the guys that will fully appreciate how you go at life and what a gem of a person you are.

      Also a personal experience comment. When I was in my teens I was pushing 200 pounds. This was back in the day when everyone looked like pencils. Yeah, I stood out in a crowd. The mistake I made was I let my disbelief cloud my vision. I got stuck thinking, “No guy would ask me out because I am fat.” It was not until decades later I figured out that there were a couple guys around that time that maybe would have asked me out. But I was so dead certain that no one would ask me, I never noticed these guys. I remember one guy that I thought was just over the moon special. I randomly decided that *I* was out of his league. Looking back, I have good reason to believe he did not think that way. I probably sent out signals that said, “Nope. Nope. Nope.” Being a nice guy he backed off.

      1. Cyclatrol*

        > … pushing 200 pounds.

        I can’t resist commenting: my first wife and I were together for 8+ years. She was 5’3” tall and at times over the years approached 200lbs and she looked great. Alas, there were times she’d step on the scales and get all depressed. But whether she took it to heart or not, she still looked great; in fact, sometimes I’d take her out someplace where I knew she’d get hit on – that tended to raise her spirits. Mine, too, as I was the guy she went home with :)

        I guess my point is that “weight” is a relatively small part of “good-looking”: attitude, cleanliness, dress, etc, are a lot more important than weight. And I know it’s something of a clichè, but the #1 important thing is that a person have confidence that they are projecting an attractive image.

        (Alas, yes, she and I eventually divorced, but that had nothing to do with weight or looks).

    5. buttercup*

      I just want to put out there that looks have very little to do with finding a compatible partner. I know women who are conventionally attractive and very, very alone because they only get approached by guys who want a hot and sexy trophy wife/girlfriend, but have nothing to offer on their end. They are just as frustrated as anyone else with the dating scene and finding someone they can be compatible with.

      The couples I know who are in the happiest relationships met each other through common hobbies and interests, and in some cases started out as friends before they started dating. Not all of them look like Brangelina. You’re probably fixated on looks because you perceive it as something you lack (I’m sure you are beautiful to a lot of people) and are probably on a site frequented by guys that value superficial traits.

    6. NaoNao*

      One of the things that I had to learn the hard way was that accomplishments, such as grades, salary, career, house, or lack of debt isn’t *as* important to a man as it is to a hetero woman looking for a man. Women sometimes fall into a zone where they try to be the man they’d like to be with rather than offering what men really want.

      From my own dating experience, (IN GENERAL) men really want:

      To feel respected, admired, powerful, and impressive. How you accomplish this is up to you. But this is something that comes up over and over in many different contexts (such as a man stepping out on a “perfect” wife with an adoring barista who thinks he hangs the moon).

      To feel a pleasant friction and challenge in winning your heart, time, attention, affection and fidelity. This seems kind of old fashioned and “The Rules” but just because you haven’t had a lot of experience doesn’t mean you have to be easy-to-get. Don’t play games, but let him know that you’re sizing HIM up too.

      To feel safe in your character (ie, not worried that you will take actions to embarrass him at some point like cheating, goin’ wild at the bars, getting in fist fights, whatever)

      To feel strong sexual chemistry and to feel desired and be with a woman who sparks desire in them consistently. Now this can be based on looks, which is where many men stumble into terrible relationships, but a smart man looks deeper. You can spark desire by flirting, teasing, play-fighting (verbally), dancing or other physical stuff (like roller skating or bowling or hiking), and showing him subtly that you’re trying with hair, makeup, accessories, perfume, sexy shoes, a flash of slip, etc.

      To meet their match. Someone who looks up to them but challenges them to be a better man. Someone who they admire *but this is crucial* someone who probably isn’t competing in their world. So whatever your field is, it’s best to look outside of it. Everyone in a relationship needs a “kingdom” where they’re an expert and the boss. If you’re an artist, don’t date another artist. If you’re a lawyer, ditto. I mean, there’s exceptions to this rule, but in general, complimentary personalities and areas of expertise work best.

      To feel reciprocal energy and effort. If he’s holding the door, you’re flashing a smile and giving him a wink. If he’s complimenting your hair, you’re thanking him and touching his hand when you say thanks. If he’s offering to pay for the meal, you’re saying you’ll get dessert and tip. Likewise, further into the relationship, if he’s working full time and you’re a student, you’re finding ways to put in your 50%. You’re putting in just as much as he is. The first few dates many men are observing and judging if you will carry your emotional and relationship burden well.

      To feel he’s made a catch. (this is more intangible, but I would let *him* find out about your positive attributes over time, just through your actions like you offer to split the check or you offer to pay the second date. You mention your volunteer work or you decline a third cocktail because you have to get up early, and so on.

      Honestly…I was online dating for a long time in a very physical, active, sporty and looks-and figure conscious area of the country as a size-16 almost 6 foot tall gal. I recall vividly the scores of male profiles that said “want someone who takes care of herself” and one time I listed all the things I do:
      Eat 5-6 servings of veggies and fruits a day, therapy for mental health, 9 hours of sleep a night, meditation practice, don’t drive and walk/bus everywhere by choice, don’t smoke, drugs, or drink, healthy friendships and family relationships, take care of pets, minimal stress at work, invest in skin care, hair care, and body care, take supplements and vitamins.

      Yeah, his response indicated that he really meant “what do you do to keep your body a size 6 at all costs—even if it’s “I live on ciggies and gummy bears”. Ugh.

      From that point forward, I decided no apologies, no explanations, no even trying with those guys. I got offline and I met someone in person, who could clearly see my entire body, face, and size/height and we clicked and are still together. It was a painful, lonely, and scary process but I DID find someone who loves me a lot just the way I am. You can too!

  89. Lissa*

    Anyone ever have a problem with the opposite of the friend who insists you just HAVE to like Game of Thrones/spinach/her brother Jake if you just give it/him a try? I’ve got a friend who seems to really really take it personally if you like something she doesn’t, and will argue with you about how “nobody with taste” could possibly like it, then plays it off like a joke if you call her on it. Like ok, fine, maybe joking once that nobody could possibly enjoy an Adele song is clearly meant to be silly but doing it all the time just starts to make me feel defensive and pissy. Lately she’s also started saying I “shouldn’t” like certain shows/movies/books because of problematic content while she herself likes things that also have sexist/not ideal themes! (because basically all media does, or could depending on what you’re sensitive to?) But because she’s using the social issues it feels like I’m the one being dismissive for saying “Oh but I actually really do enjoy the new Link game, even though it has a couple not politically correct moments in it, can I just like it and we don’t have to talk about it?” because it feels like any response other than “that’s terrible” gets me accused of being non-supportive or not caring about important issues.

    1. Thlayli*

      Unless you have bo other friends I would drop her. She sounds exhausting. If you have no other friends, get some and then drop her.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      It’s totally fine to like something that is problematic in one way or another as long as you acknowledge the “that’s not right” in it. A rape joke isn’t funny but the rest of the movie can be, for example. Next time it comes up, tell your friend “I like this, even though that part in it isn’t right, I still enjoy it. You like some garbage but are still a good person, so deal or get out.”

      Maybe consider squaring your social circle a bit, too.

    3. Almost Violet Miller*

      I had a similar friend. Not exactly the same but might help with seeing your situation in a different way.

      So my friend was always very critical of everything. Not really because of problematic content (sometimes the contrary), just in general. She was too cool for everything and everyone. The worst part was that nothing was up for discussion, you had to nod and agree and go along with her thoughts because she was very specific about her opinion on people who liked things she looked down on. (That could be a talk show that was ‘too politically correct’ or a professor who gave boring homework or a new brunch place.)

      I got really tired of this and not being able to agree to disagree so I just stopped talking to her.

      Your friend’s logic seems to imply that I should not take buses of company X because not all of their buses are wheelchair-accessible. This is an important cause for me but I still need to get from A to B the fastest and cheapest way possible. And company X isn’t opposed to updating their vehicles, it just takes time and money. We can talk about problems without shutting things out completely. (I realize this analogy isn’t perfect.)

      Having said that, if she isn’t able to have conversations or let this go altogether, you can just shut her out as Thlayli is saying.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      I would drop her frankly. I also wonder if she wants you to dislike / agree or if she just wants to make her argument. You could try: “Okay, yes I shouldn’t like it. But I do.”

    5. fposte*

      Oh, I know people who do that; it’s exhausting. One possibility is to directly inquire why this is such a problem for her. “Seriously, what is it to you what I watch? You seem super invested in my media choices, beyond anything that can be explained by content. Can you find a way to be okay with the fact that we don’t like the same things?”

    6. Not So NewReader*

      “So. In order to be your friend I have to think like you do and like the same things you do? Uh. That is not how friendship works.”

      I hope she doesn’t have kids until she fixes this.

      You can trying calling her on it, but unless she wants to fix it probably nothing will happen.
      My friend has a friend who is 65 years and STILL does this. The 65 y/o is exhausting, over the top rude and insulting. He is just an obnoxious person who runs my friend into the ground. For my friend’s part in this, my friend has Reasons to maintain this “relationship”. While I gave up on the 65 y/o guy a while ago, I find my friend’s willingness to continue to allow himself to be verbally assaulted over and over again by this dude alarming.

      My punchline is turn the situation around or leave it. If you stay with it you will tend to forget what healthy friendships look like or that they are even possible.

    7. Triple Anon*

      I would drop that person. People like that tend to find an excuse to be negative no matter what you do. She needs to deal with the underlying issue and start treating people better.

  90. nep*

    One of the many reasons I enjoy exchanging with my AAM friends is I’m not worrying the whole time that you might smell my often-foul breath. (It’s a chronic problem for which I’m seeking solutions.) I just love how I’m liberated from the thought of it when chatting with you all.
    Anyone else have something like that — more at ease interacting with people in this setting because…

    1. Wrench Turner*

      I’ve always liked it here because of how compassionate, supportive and constructive people are. Not agreeing on the solutions to personal or personnel problems, so much as agreeing ultimately that it’s to genuinely help the people in need. The need to help more than the need to be right about it.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’m more at ease because it’s just too hard making friends in person. This is just the right kind of social interaction for me: I can interact as little or as much as I want, and I don’t have to sit in awkward silence while I or the other person tries to think of something else to say. Oh, and I can put more thought into what I’m trying to say before I say it. (Although, that doesn’t always happen…)

    4. Almost Violet Miller*

      I like it here because people are not judgmental. Maybe because it is an advice forum and commenters know that today it’s you but tomorrow it can be me? I don’t know but I love how supportive everyone is and I’m trying to transfer this energy into my communities and relationships IRL.
      And I can comment from home, wearing an old pair of jeans and sipping home-made tea. I’m really introverted (not shy, just needing tons of alone time) so I like the dynamics of an online forum.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        I’m the same way and this is probably the only online forum I actively use. Most others I have interests in are often just too toxic, too macho, and ultimately unhelpful.

      2. nep*

        Same on the introvert bit. This forum is the perfect combination — allows the introvert to interact, but it is a smart, receptive, caring group of people. I’m not part of any other online community but I reckon this is rare.

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        +1 on the benefits of being able to post from home while also honoring one’s need to alternate online sociability and offline introversion time. In addition, if one were, say, um, theoretically, more creative than consistent in one’s housekeeping (ahem) … well, let’s just say it would be nice not to have one’s cybersocial life inhibited by potential embarassment from a couch possibly half-hidden by clean undershirts, old newspapers, and a box full of wrapping paper…

        Yes, if this were my situation I would also know just where to direct my energies later this afternoon. [Insert emoticon of face with a hopeful/sheepish grin.]

        1. amy l*

          As an “off the charts introvert” people generally wear me out. Physically and emotionally. I love that I can come in AAM and interact without feeling drained.

  91. Merci Dee*

    Last night was bliss…

    When I was in college, I got in the habit of cleaning the apartment after my roommates were gone for the weekend, and taking a nice hot shower before jumping into my freshly washed sheets. Fresh sheets + toasty shower = sleep like the dead.

    So Saturday is laundry day, and the sheets were fresh and inviting. Naturally I had to hop in for a pre-bed shower. It still works like magic.

    Anyone else have those little quirky habits that they love and look forward to?

    1. Merci Dee*

      Another habit —

      I sleep with a sound machine to help cancel out some of the noise from a nearby street. I typically have it set to the summer rain setting. It’s wonderful for helping me sleep, but talk about unintended consequences… every time it rains during the day, I get sleepy because it sounds like my sound machine. If I’m at work, I sometimes have to get up to move around so I won’t fall asleep at my desk!

      At least Pavlov’s dogs only drooled…..

    2. Earthwalker*

      Me too. I wait until my husband is out because he always says “What’s that SMELL? Eeuw!” when I use bath cleaners or windex. So I clean the house top to bottom, throw all the windows open long enough to get a thorough exchange of fresh air for stale (and evict any remaining bleach or windex smell), bring in some flowers or budding spring twigs, then sit down with tea and a special treat and a good book and revel in the clean.

      1. Merci Dee*

        My dad has always had a problem with the smell of household cleaners like Tilex or Windex. Mom would just roll her eyes and keep cleaning until dad discovered it was an allergy issue. Mom switched to some gentler cleaners like vinegar for glass and baking soda for scrubbing, and he’s been fine ever since.

        Should’ve known it was allergy related, when I think back. Dad can only use Pure & Natural soap by Jergens, and can only have his clothes washed in scent-free detergent. So the clues were there.

        1. Hildegard Vonbingen*

          I love cleaning with white vinegar! It’s non-toxic, antibacterial, cheap as can be, and available at every grocery store I’ve ever been in. And it doesn’t have much of an odor (what little there is makes me think of …salad. And then it dissipates). I like to use baking soda sprinkled in the litter box – along with regular scooping and good litter, it helps to keep the odor at bay.

          Another cheap and useful liquid I’ve discovered is sesame oil. Rubbed on medium-toned wood furniture such as oak or pine, it covers scratches quite well. There is some residual odor that reminds me of the peanut butter sandwiches my mom used to pack for my lunch in grade school. Rather pleasant. And it doesn’t last long.

    3. Hildegard Vonbingen*

      I really look forward to my morning latte. Every morning, it never varies, and it never gets old. I love it every time. It just tastes so good and helps me ease into my day. And bonus points for it now, because it’s winter, and sipping a delicious, hot latte feels so cozy on a cold morning.

      I spring out of bed each morning and head right downstairs to make it. Really starts my day off in a lovely way. A few minutes of relaxed, yummy leisure before I face all the things I have to do that often don’t, as Marie Kondo would put it, bring me joy. Yeah, but they have to get done.

      My leisurely morning latte helps me find the positive attitude and caffeine boost I need to get things done with focus and lots of energy. And it’s an excuse to take a few minutes to just…relax. I like starting the day with a few moments of relaxation. It centers me, I guess. And it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Get things done, but do them with calm focus.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I love coffee, and have for years. But since I have ADHD (as do many in my family), I don’t get an energy boost from it. Coffee makes me sleepy, so I’m not able to enjoy it in the mornings, except on Saturdays. The morning ritual that really wakes me up for the day is taking a shower.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Hot shower and clean sheets are HEAVEN. I’m sure my husband is sick of me saying, “AAAAAHHH, clean body, clean sheets, so good!” every Saturday night by this point in our marriage, haha!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Every morning, I sit with a great big huge cup of coffee and go online to see what’s up. I don’t like listening to the TV in the morning (or at night, really)–news comes from the internet in my house. There’s no time for breakfast if I’m working, so I have to take it with me. The directions on my thyroid meds say to wait an hour after taking it to eat, so I don’t really have time anyway. If I’m not working, I eat about an hour after I get up, when I’m done with the news and the coffee.

      If I don’t get my coffee time in the morning, I get crabby. I’m a zombie when I wake up so I really need that time to come back to life.

      1. Merci Dee*

        My go-to morning drink during the week is hot tea. The whole ritual of preparing my cup slows me down for a few minutes and is so soothing. Gives my brain a few moments to catch up with the rest of me, since it’s an effort to get kiddo up and going in the morning.

  92. EddieSherbert*

    Gah, so I’m really struggling as a volunteer at an animal rescue type organization I love. The management is just so ridiculous/indifferent-seeming/frustrating sometimes! They seem to resent having to do those things they refuse to let volunteers or their lowly staff members do.

    First we had a litter of puppies where they named them ALL “Erin”. So it was Aaron, Erin, Eron, and Airon. They were all black lab type puppies, 3/4 were boys, and they all looked the same. Any volunteer would love to get to name some animals!

    Then I picked up a litter of fosters and they were just coveredddddd in poop. I was informed that the manager had rushed to give them their flea/tick meds mere moments ago before I arrived (at the time told them I would days earlier) so they couldn’t have baths for 48 hours. I can apply flea/tick meds.

    AND NOW my current litter of fosters has been “””adoptable””” for over a week and STILL are not posted on the website. Because the shelter manager is sick. And, the adoption coordinator has the ability to WRITE the profiles but not PUBLISH them. The shelter manager is TOO SICK to log on her darn computer and hit “publish”, but won’t let anyone else log onto her account and won’t give anyone else admin rights.

    Even worse, I was talked into taking an extra puppy when I showed up because I was told it would be 3 days and he was going home. He didn’t actually have an application. Someone just asked about him. Didn’t actually apply at this point. So I still have him (at least he’s posted online) AND a litter that I was told is adoptable but basically isn’t because there’s no way for the public to find out about them.

    GAHHHH! So right now I kind of want to take my name out of the foster pool (after these guys find homes of course) but… also suspect I might get taken off the list anyways because the manager and I got into a minor yelling match yesterday when I found out Extra Pup wasn’t going home and I learned why the others weren’t posted.

    Which I shouldn’t have done. But good lord, I was madddddd.

    1. paul*

      I’ve got to be honest; I used to be a lot more involved in animal shelters/rehoming work but crap like that just drove me away. I don’t know if it’s the norm for shelters and rescue orgs or not, but I am *not* going to consistently volunteer my time and money to put up with crap like that. Add in inane adoption requirements and pushy contracts (I’m not giving you the rights to two years of unannounced home visits FFS) and it just soured me a lot.

      I’m not sure how universal it is, but it certainly isn’t unique to the one you volunteer with.

        1. paul*

          What cracks me up/horrifies me: this is a moderately sized city in TX, and they had a lot of people from the surrounding area (read: rural TX) look at adopting.

          And they thought they’d be OK just randomly showing up and trying to (according to some of them) trying to force entry because “Well they signed a contract”. Like…yeah, you try to force your way into a guys house out in the sticks while shouting about your contract. I’mma go call an ambulance for after the shooting starts…..

      2. Sylvan*

        This has been my experience with most rescues (luckily, the biggest one here is also the one that has its shit together). Great intentions, lots of dysfunction.

      3. Hildegard Vonbingen*

        Holy moe. Two years of unannounced visits is nuts. Also, expensive; labor costs money, and most animal rescues aren’t exactly swimming in cash. I volunteer at my county animal shelter, and they don’t do that (I know, I’ve adopted three cats from them over the years). I’ve also adopted a cat from my local ASPCA, and they didn’t do that, either. I’m in the SF Bay Area, so maybe it’s different here. If so, I’m glad it is.

        What do they plan to do next, insist that the adopting humans wear an ankle bracelet that goes off if your pet gets mad at you because you didn’t give him treats that day or didn’t pet him as much as he wanted?

        I wonder if they’ve tried to find out if these visits are actually useful in removing adopted animals from abusive homes and if adopters in significant numbers are mistreating the pets they adopted. I’ll bet they haven’t.

      4. EddieSherbert*

        Ours has something like that (the home visits) in their contract, along with a line saying the shelter can reclaim them for X Y or Z reasons,

        But besides an email a month after adoption to ask how it’s going, we never really do any visits.

        And I’ve only ever heard of reclaiming happening once (and the dog was chained up outside 24/7 in the cold Midwest).

    2. Anon for this*

      Here’s some company for you. I volunteer at a horse rescue and the person who runs it is exactly similar to your management. Right now the rescue is expecting over 3o horses from a law enforcement seizure, which will overpopulate the rescue significantly over capacity. Volunteers are seldom given a thank you and always seem to do everything wrong when management is around. I only go because I love the horses and enjoy loving on the horses. Maybe I need to get my own horse and drop the rescue – – except then who will take the extra step for those horses who could use a little extra.

      1. EddieSherbert*

        Same – I’d have a hard time leaving the critters :( especially since it feels like they’e surrounded by a lot of incompetence. They need the extra help!

    3. Clever Name*

      Yeah, I adopted my 2 cats from a volunteer-run rescue and the adoption process was a bit nuts. They asked for 3 references and actually called one of my friends (my friends were all happy to be a reference for me). I adopted my cats separately, and each time there was an issue with the paperwork which meant I had to go back to the pet store to get it resolved-it was a paperwork error on their part. And yeah, I had to agree to surprise home visits. I’d be shocked if anyone ever showed up, though.

      1. Earthwalker*

        There might be reason behind all the fuss checking up on you. We found a stray cat once. Some people at work recommended we put a price in our classified ad for a home for him. Whyever? We just wanted someone to take him. Because, they said, if you offer free cats then people with dogs will take them out in the hills and let them free for their dogs to chase and kill. We didn’t really believe it until some years later we watched through binoculars as someone did just that. (By the time our ad got an answer he was part of our family anyway so our stray is a happy gentleman house cat 18 years later.)

        1. fposte*

          That’s a reason for some fuss, but the extent some shelters and rescues go through ends up worse for the animals overall because fewer people try to adopt in the first place.

        2. EddieSherbert*

          Yeah, I’ve also heard of free critters being “adopted” to get killed training fighting dogs, or for the little ones (kittens), to end up as snake food :/

        3. Clever Name*

          I paid an adoption fee. It was like $150. I’m pretty sure no one is going to pay that much for a cat they don’t plan on keeping and loving.

  93. pat benetardis*

    Question on UK legal system (from someone in the US)

    So I’m watching Broadchurch season 2. I’m on episode 3 or 4. I guess my question is – are there people whose job it is to prosecute a case? It surprised me that it seemed to be the responsibility of the victim’s family to find a solicitor to present evidence against the accused. If so, what happens if you are of lesser means? Or aren’t connected to a good solicitor? Do crimes against people of lesser means result in low conviction rates?
    And why is the case presented as the Crown vs the Accused If the victim’s family had to arrange for the evidence to be presented?

    1. Anon Male Engineer*

      Not a lawyer, or connected with the UK legal system in any way apart from living here: My understanding is that the normal way it goes is that the police prepare the evidence and then send it to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) who decide whether there is sufficient evidence for a realistic chance of a conviction, and handle all the administration of preparing the prosecution. I have not watched Broadchurch, so cannot comment on the drama. Normally the police would contact victims & witnesses directly.

    2. London Calling*

      I wouldn’t trust Broadchurch s2’s take on anything, let alone the ramifications of the British legal system. It was generally agreed to be awful and after s1 people couldn’t understand what had gone wrong.

    3. Jules the First*

      It depends whether it’s a criminal or civil case. I haven’t seen Broadchurch, but guessing it is likely criminal as it is a murder…though sometimes you can bring civil suit if CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) declines to prosecute.

      Yes, there are people whose job it is to prosecute (Crown Prosecutors); police gather the evidence and then present their case to the CPS, who decide whether the case is sound enough to justify proceeding to court. A victim’s family may have a liaison officer (from the police) and/or a barrister (a courtroom lawyer; solicitors in the UK are trained differently and only handle non-courtroom stuff like wills and property sales etc) who looks out for the family’s interests and checks up on police and prosecutors to make sure they’re doing their jobs, but that’s entirely optional and nothing to do with the success rate (CPS is supposed to decline to prosecute if they don’t believe the case is likely to result in conviction).

      That said, England’s conviction rate for homicide is about 40% vs a US felony murder conviction rate of about 70% (the difference is mostly because a) England has a lot fewer murders per capita, so more of them are the ones that are really hard to figure out; b) the bar for a homicide conviction is substantially higher than a felony murder charge (a large number of the cases that would be felony murder in the US are categorised as some type of manslaughter here); and c) plea bargaining is very rare in the UK for homicide prosecutions, which leads to a lower conviction rate). Also, roughly 35% of cases aren’t prosecuted within a year, so they sit in the statistics as “in progress” and never get translated into the conviction rate…

  94. AnnaleighUK*

    Irritating D&D person in my group is irritating me.

    My fiancé is French and shares a name (all of his name) with a relatively famous French sportsman – famous only if you’re waaay into the particular sport, though, which not that many people are in this country so he doesn’t get many ‘herpaderp your name is’ comments. He says people mostly just double-take in France but it’s not an issue once they realise no, he isn’t Famous Sportsman.

    Irritating player has been messaging me since Wednesday that when we get married, people will assume I’m married to the famous sportsman. Well, no, because of aforementioned relatively obscure sport not being that well followed in this country. And how she even found out is beyond me unless she did some Googling in which case, she needs something else to fill her time and that’s a little creepy.

    But she will literally not let this drop. I’m getting so fed up with it – Irritant Person has decided it’s the most hilarious thing ever. I’ve muted and blocked her on all social media channels and on phone and email cuz she is THAT annoying. Gaah. And I know she literally will find any way she can to message me to annoy me because she’s Like That. Unfortunately she’s part of my social circle (our group is big and we do social stuff as well as playing tabletop games) so short of never leaving my house, I guess I’ll just have to ignore her when I see her.

    She’s the kind of person who links everything she sees to everything else, though – we have a new player called Ray but of course she went all ‘ehrmagawd REY you’re from Star Wars’ and she still hasn’t dropped that. Mmmyep. Sigh. Just venting, really.

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Why can’t you tell her to knock it off? Also, see Captain Awkward, I’m pretty sure you’re suffering from one of the geek social fallacies.

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        Oh I tried, but I think she genuinely doesn’t realise she’s being a pain. I have said ‘dude, enough already’ and for most people that’s enough but noo, I think only Scottish snark and maybe outright shunning might be the way to stop it. Why are people like this? Why does my tabletop group attract people like this? I’ll check Captain Awkward for some help too, the Cap is good for situations like this.

        1. Totally Minnie*

          Some people just do not take soft cues. For most people, “enough already” or “that joke is getting tired” will get the message across, but that is clearly not the case with your annoying acquaintance. Be blunt. Every time she tries to connect you and your fiancé with this famous person, say “Jemima, I don’t like it when you say that. Please stop talking about it.” If she pushes back, just keep repeating it. “Because I don’t like it” is a perfectly valid reason to ask a person to stop doing something.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes pointing out that no one else is talking about this is enough to stop it.

      “Jan. You are the ONLY person who is STILL talking about this. It’s old. Everyone else has gotten over it and gone back to life.”

      You may have to say it where a group of people hear it. When she sees them all chuckle in agreement that might do it.
      If you are really feeling punchy you could say, “Good thing you have the story about my husband’s name to talk about because you seem to be running low on any other material.”

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        This may have to be tried and I think Ray needs to say something too because I’m pretty sure he’s getting sick of the Star Wars jokes. I’ll let you know what happens!

    3. Temperance*

      She seems like a total tool, although I have to admit, part of me cackled at your post thinking that your husband’s name is either Thierry Henri or Zenedane Zidane. (I’m a monster, admittedly.)

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        Ha, he wishes! Nothing as interesting, I’m afraid, although he did go to school with someone with the surname Prost, which led to infinite racing driver jokes (Alain Prost being a god of F1 racing in France).

  95. Yup*

    Sometimes it’s such a good feeling/big relief when you ghost a close friend. Just putting it out there. It should have been done years ago.

    1. Hildegard Vonbingen*

      Indeed. Like being on a long hike and putting down a backpack full of rocks. Just take it off, put it down, and walk away. Such a relief!

  96. Cyclatrol*

    I’m still processing this: it hits in all of the right places. But it bothers me that it if one has the time and money, a ‘clever viral video’ can apparently be assembled from parts off of the shelf. Not too unlike the actual Taco Bell menu … anyhow:

    https://www.weboffries.com/

  97. Lcsa99*

    So in a 1 in a million chance, my husband was on his cell phone when he got off the elevator on the second floor of our building and ended up dropping the phone in such a way that it actually fell down the elevator shaft. We already left a message for our super, but has anyone else experienced this? How difficult will this be for the super to retrieve, and if he can’t get in the shaft himself, how expensive will it be to have the elevator company come retrieve it?

    It is in a pretty thick, soft, case so I am pretty sure it’ll be in one piece, but we just have to get at it. And of course my husband is kicking himself, no matter how much I try to comfort him.

    1. paul*

      You know, I’ve always been paranoid about dropping stuff down that (mostly my keys) but that’s the first time I’ve heard of it happening. Time to be more paranoid every time I’m stepping over that damn crack!

    2. Wrench Turner*

      What are the odds?! Your super/facilities manager should totally be able to get in there to access it. There’s a door or something in the basement – there has to be else the elevator repair folk couldn’t access it either! GOOD LUCK!

    3. Temperance*

      A few months ago, I dropped my work badge right down our office elevator shaft. At 7 AM.

      It actually wasn’t a big deal to retrieve it. Your husband isn’t the first, and he won’t be the last.

    4. Helpful*

      :O

      Reminds me of the Deep Thought by Jack Handey:
      “If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because man, they’re gone.”

    5. Lily Evans*

      One time I was at a concert at a large venue and dropped my phone and it slid under a seat and fell like ten feet into nowhere. I had to flag down an employee who was able to open this random door that led beneath the seats. It somehow survived intact despite my case being not great, so hopefully your husband’s is retrieved intact without too much hassle!

    6. Red*

      Haha, my cousin did that, too! They got it back in one piece, though I can’t recall how long it took.

    7. Lcsa99*

      Success! 5 hours of agony, waiting for the super to get home but now we have the phone and it’s in one piece! The case is damaged but we can replace that a lot easier than the phone.

      Thanks everyone!

      1. amy l*

        Happens all the time at my job. Keys, credit cards, phones…. There is apparently a “pit” beneath an elevator that is fairly easy to access. Our building maintenance team retrives items from “the pit” weekly.

  98. fabbiehoffman*

    Is it acceptable to say upfront that you’re just at the bank for “xyz” and to please NOT try to see you any products? I was at my local BOA branch this weekend, and they got me in the room with the VP to upgrade my accounts, sell me investment products, and to try to get me to switch from my credit card to a BOA one. SO annoying.

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Well first, VPs are a dime a dozen in a bank. But yeah, you can say it. They’ll probably keep doing it. I do as much as I can via online banking precisely for this reason. The few times I have to go in are generally a pain.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Well, it depends what bank you go to. I’m a VP at a community bank and we don’t have a lot of VPs because we’re a smaller bank. When you’re at BoA, yes they are definitely a dime a dozen. Branch managers and loan officers are usually made VPs because the bank wants the customer to feel as though they’re dealing with someone that has the authority and experience to deal with their issues, etc. Sometimes the VPs have that and sometimes they don’t. But in a small bank, yes we generally have the experience and the authority.

        But, yeah, just tell them right out that you just want to do your transaction and are not interested in being sold anything. Branches are very sales-driven because they’re generally given monthly sales goals to meet. And if they don’t meet them? They can be disciplined and it affects their annual performance reviews and any raises. I work back office, but I used to be in a branch and I HATED the sales part of it. There are only so many times you can ask the SAME customer if they’ve thought about xyz product.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Good insider info. OP, maybe write corporate and tell them that you will move your accounts if they do not stop trying to sell things to you.

          TOD, I have a banking question for you but I will start a new thread below here so as not hijack OP’s question.

    2. Clever Name*

      Yes it’s perfectly acceptable. They do it because it works sometimes. Heck, I was at a bank where I don’t have an account but I have a safe deposit box, and they “upsold” me a mortgage. I used scare quotes because I mentioned that I need to refinance my house, so they had a loan officer contact me.

    3. Temperance*

      I use PNC Bank, and only had an instance like this one time. It was pretty low-pressure, and the advice was actually somewhat helpful.

      I have Feelings about BofA, but I might choose a different bank. There are some awesome local banks, or if you’re looking for a national bank, TD is pretty awesome.

    4. Colleen*

      I went to a bank once to close my deceased brother’s account. They tried to sell me products. It was disgusting and I told them so.

    5. Earthwalker*

      If it’s not too inconvenient, you might try moving to another bank. I left several banks because they seemed to be much better at selling stuff than at serving their customers, and what do you know? Awhile later I found two of my old banks in news stories about bad banking practices. But there are good ones out there. I’ve been with my credit union now for many years and I’ve never had less than excellent service.

    6. Enough*

      I have stock in BOA but would never want to be a customer. I didn’t buy the stock, it came with the marriage.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      I haven’t had this issue ever since switching from a traditional bank to a credit union. Your mileage may vary, but it’s definitely something to look into.

      1. Sylvan*

        I’ve been with a credit union for 16 years and never had this problem. I am realizing I might be spoiled.

    8. Hildegard Vonbingen*

      Sure it’s OK. And if they ask you to go into a room to give you some song and dance about products you don’t want, don’t go in there (like in a horror movie: Nooooooooooo, don’t go in there!). Get the business that brought you into the bank taken care of and leave. I doubt they’ll tackle you and drag you into some back room/dungeon to give you that sales pitch. You can just walk out. You don’t need their permission, and it’s not rude to leave when you’ve gotten done what you came in there to get done. They’re a business. Not your mom.

      I ditched my bank years ago and joined a credit union. I get no pressure or other b.s. from them. I can bank on-line, which I do for most everything. I also like Ally Bank for my on-line savings account and some investing. I recommend both. Banks pay almost no interest on savings, and the up-selling and fees are annoying. No need to put up with it. Look elsewhere. You have options.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Seriously, I’d probably walk out if they wouldn’t take care of the issue that I came in for…or if my need was pressing and couldn’t wait, I’d start arguing with them about it in the lobby.

  99. fabbiehoffman*

    Yeah, unfortunately I had to go in because it was not possible to do what I needed online. VPs are a dime a dozen at banks? Good to know!

  100. Not So NewReader*

    This one is for The Other Dawn or anyone else in banking.

    I opened a money market account with my bank. It was important to me to have checks with this account. I asked a couple times and the woman said yes and went ahead and ordered checks.
    The checks came.
    I wrote a check to my dog’s new vet for emergency care. NEW vet.
    The check bounced. It’s the second check I have bounce in 40 plus years. I wanted to crawl under a rock.
    I made good on the check then went to the bank to see what happened.
    Oh. Checks don’t come with that account. Then why did you guys give me checks?
    It was a mistake.

    I never got an apology.
    They covered the bounce check fee by canceling my hard copy paper statements. (Try not to think about that.) I reimbursed the vet’s bounced check fee out of my own pocket.
    The manager said she spoke to the employee involved but the employee acts like nothing happened.

    It’s been about three years. I am still ticked. I understand in order for criminal charges to stick they would have to prove that I intended to give the vet a bad check. I thought I was writing a check on an account with a five digit balance. The check was a couple hundred. I trusted them to do their jobs.

    Tell me if I should just let it go. Honestly I am holding myself back from wishing this woman fired. It was a good thing that the vet saw through the situation. She spent enough time talking to me and saw the check number (First check on the account) and she said “It did not make sense that a person like you would bounce a check. Something was wrong.”

    1. The Other Dawn*

      To be honest, that doesn’t even make sense. I don’t mean YOU don’t make sense, the whole situation doesn’t make sense. Let me review…

      They ordered checks for a product that doesn’t offer checks. OK. The place they get their check stock from probably allowed them to override that, or maybe it wasn’t even set up to stop the check order.

      Somehow the check bounced. If you actually had the money in the account and it was AVAILABLE, that doesn’t make any sense at all. All I can think is they accidentally posted it to someone else’s account (checks printed with the wrong account number and they manually posted it to your account because the name matched?)?
      Maybe the full balance was on hold for some reason?

      They charged you the NSF fee, but then refunded it by canceling your paper statements. That’s nickel-and-diming, because the amount the bank gets charged for statement printing and mailing isn’t much. And that wouldn’t make up for the outrageous amount they charge for an NSF fee unless they add up the statement charges over the better part of a year.

      Sounds like the woman sold you an account that was actually an electronic-only account, meaning no checks, no in-branch transactions and no statements.

      As far as the criminal charge you mention, I’m not sure where that’s coming from. Do you mean someone told you they would press charges for passing a bad check? If so…cops couldn’t care less about a bounced check these days. Unless it’s ID theft (and that’s a maybe), robbery, or a very large loss to the bank (like tens of thousands of dollars), police generally cannot be bothered with this stuff.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Sorry.
        No the check bounced because my bank would not let my vet’s bank cash the check. Apparently there was not supposed to be checks with that account, but the bank rep ordered checks for me anyway and the check company printed them anyway. My bank’s rep told me more than once that I could have checks with this account. When I went to use the check, that is when I found out that there were NO checks with that account. Yet I had checks for it in my hand.

        Yes, it was electronic only with a limit of 3 transactions a month.

        It’s a misdemeanor here to give someone a bad check. But they would have had to prove that I intended to give the vet a bad check. I know with some officers they make the arrest and let the court figure out the intent. So I was feeling very lucky not to get arrested. Yeah, we have bounced check cases here for a couple hundred go to criminal court. (NY Penal Law 190.05) I could not believe that the employee and her boss acted like it was nothing. (Maybe that is part of the problem, these people thought that no one ever got charged for bouncing a check… but they do. It just doesn’t hit the news too much.)

        The final straw was where they could not even say “I’m sorry.”
        I said to the manager, “She did not even apologize.” The manager said, “Yeah. I know.” Then the manager did not apologize either. I wonder if she lied about the checks just to get me to open the account with their bank. That is the only reason I can think of for her refusal to say a simple “I am sorry.”
        It was a nightmare that involved many phone calls over a period of weeks.

        About a year later, I went to a different branch and spoke with someone. They could open a money market for me with a checking account IF I had 10k in new money to put into the money market. So these people here at a different branch had the product I wanted but refused to roll the old account into the new account without a new 10k. Fortunately, I had 10k so we just made a new account and that one came with checks. I couldn’t keep fighting this one, I felt I had to give them the 10k or start from scratch somewhere else.

        I guess my question is “is this no big deal?” and “why is it no big deal?”

        1. The Other Dawn*

          “No the check bounced because my bank would not let my vet’s bank cash the check.” OK, so the vet deposited the check at his bank, it came to your bank to clear your account, but since the account was likely set up so checks cannot be posted to it (you can code an account to work that way), your bank probably sent it back to your vet’s bank stamped with something saying it couldn’t be paid. What makes no sense (again your bank, not you) is that your bank charged you. If a check rejects and can’t even post at all, there shouldn’t have been a charge. Basically, if a check comes in and it cannot even post to the account *at all*, there’s no way to charge a fee because it’s all automated and the action that causes the charge to happen is the check posting to the account, even when there are no funds–it comes in, posts to the account, not enough funds so someone (or the system) makes the decision to return it and then a fee is charged automatically.

          Sounds to me like the woman sold you the wrong product (maybe she was new?) and probably didn’t really know much about how it’s supposed to work. And then when she ordered the checks, there was probably nothing on the check vendor’s side to stop her from ordering them. If I remember correctly, when the bank orders the checks it doesn’t actually input anything to do with the product, just the account number, routing number, name and address.

          I would say it’s a big deal that she sold you the wrong product, and neither she nor the branch manager apologized. That’s really awful, and it sounds like that branch in general might be awful. Seems like there are no consequences there and people don’t seem to care much. Did you complain to anyone else, or just someone within the branch? At this point there really isn’t anything you can do.

          And the whole “new money” thing is annoying. Banks almost always make that stipulation when they’re running a promo (great rate, new product, whatever it is). That’s how banks grow the relationship and get you to hopefully move your accounts to them.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            And I’m really surprised that bounced check cases for such a little amount go to court. They may in CT, too, but I’ve never seen it happen. The police pretty much laugh when they’re called for something like that.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              So far the cases I have seen have come on the heals of other problems the check bouncer is just a bad actor who ticks people off routinely. But I still was very grateful that the vet told me to my face there was a problem rather than trotting down to the police station.
              Just chuckling about Connecticut police. I always liked them, I felt that collectively they had a good sense of fair play. In Ct if I got pulled over for speeding, I didn’t get a ticket, just a scolding. In some ways that was worse than a ticket. (I got pulled over twice at different ends of the state, so it kind of showed a collective approach to speeders.)
              However, here in NY if the police pull you over you have a ticket, 99.9% of the time. (NY is a much larger state so there are probably reasons for this.) I can see Ct police not worrying about a bounced check for a couple hundred. “Solve it yourselves!” I can just hear that.

              Any way thank you for your detailed explanation. I do feel better. I can better see what is going on and how. In all likelihood I am done with this bank and it’s time for me to move on. The funny thing is my tipping point came when she could not apologize. Hey, crap happens, just say you’re sorry. We all have our last straws and I guess that was mine. Thanks, again.

        2. Jill*

          It was a big deal but it was three years ago, it’s time to move on. At the time, you should have insisted they cover all of you bounced check fees – with the bank and the vet because it was their screwup. Obviously it’s too late for that now. At this point just move on.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yeah, I did not handle the situation aggressively enough. And that is probably why it was eating at me. I was also profoundly dismayed by the reaction of the higher ups. I contacted some folks by phone and they did not seem to comprehend the problem at all. TOD, here, instantly understood what I was talking about. She knows her job like she knows how to breathe, it’s ingrained. The difference between her and the folks on the phone is like day and night. So that tells me something also.

            Thanks for replying, Jill.

  101. The Other Dawn*

    Anyone have a recommendation for a zero gravity recliner for the living room? I’d love to have one, but they’re pretty expensive. Also, my cats are jerks so I don’t want to spend a ton of money only to have it used as a scratching post. They’re usually pretty good, but I do have 11 of the buggers and there’s always at least one who likes to use the couch and not one of the many scratching posts I have.

    1. Rogue*

      We have one from the store “relax the back,” but it was expensive, so I don’t think you want to go there. I’ve never seen an actual zero gravity “recliner” for cheap, but I have seen the zero gravity lawn/camp chairs for cheap at outdoor stores, camping world, etc.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, that’s exactly where I discovered this wonderful thing! I so want to get it, but I’m worried one of the cats might scratch it. They’re generally pretty good at not scratching the furniture, but they’re not perfect. I’d hate to pay that much and then find claw marks in it.

        1. Rogue*

          Completely understand! We don’t have kitties, but two big dogs. They tend to not really bother the furniture though and stay off.

        2. Merci Dee*

          When my folks still had a cat and decided to buy a new sofa, they got a little creative to make sure the cat wouldn’t scratch.

          Mom used a potato peeler to peel some curls off the skin of an orange, and then pinned those around the perimeter of the couch skirt. Dad put some clear packing tape alone the corners on the front and back so the cat’s claws wouldn’t get any purchase.

          For about 3 months, mom switched out the orange peel, whenever they’d dry out. It seemed to work. No scratch marks on the couch.

  102. Vacaciones*

    I have an ongoing situation with my neighbour that I’d like to get some takes on.
    I’m a student, and live in a top floor flat with 3 other students (for the record, we are complete homebodies, barely go out drinking and have had maybe 2 small gatherings since we moved in).
    Our downstairs neighbour (who we’ve never spoken to outside of these incidents) has come up to our flat twice in the last few months (first time at midnight, second time at 1am) and banged on the door to complain that we are shaking her flat and stopping her from sleeping. She says that it feels like we’re stomping and “throwing around furniture”. The first time she was here, two of us were in bed and the other two were sitting on the couch on our laptops. The second time, we were at the table playing a card game.
    She says this happens most nights, and that it’s constant shaking rather than someone walking (we also have a carpet and a thick rug in the room she says the shaking comes from). She has threatened to contact our landlord (and the police!!!)
    This woman is always very hostile and frankly, annoying. We’re not sure what to do.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I’d contact the landlord first and tell him that he is welcome to check on this situation at any time.
      It could be that the landlord says she said the same thing of the 90 year old couple who lived there before you and he believes you.
      Definitely call the landlord.

      1. Vacaciones*

        Sorry, I should’ve mentioned. We’ve emailed our landlord (or rather, letting agent – kind of like a student company) on both occasions just to have a written record of when she’s been there. So far we’ve not gotten any response about it.

        1. Temperance*

          I think you need to call the landlord/agent during the day, when the office is open. It’s great to have a record, but I bet that she’s got a record for being hostile to tenants, and they’re trying to ignore you and your roommates because she’s meanier/crazier/angrier than you.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      Is it possible it’s actually the people living next to her on either side? Sometimes loud noises are deceptive that way. However, if she’s complaining about noise at times that everyone in your apartment was awake, it’s possible that you’re making more noise than you realize. It happens.

      1. Vacaciones*

        We have wondered if it’s the flat below or beside hers. And this is the thing – it’s not NOISE she complains about, in fact she says she can never hear anything from us. It’s the shaking, as in from movement. So I find it hard to believe we’re causing such excessive shaking just from sitting on the couch/at the table and occasionally walking through the room, that it’s keeping her awake.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          So she’s claiming that she’s feeling movement every time you sit down and stand up?

          Is it maybe the plumbing? Is there something happening in the infrastructure every time you flush the toilet or turn on the shower? Is it a washing machine or dishwasher maybe?

              1. fposte*

                Could be she’s feeling truck/lorry/bus traffic in a way that doesn’t translate to your flat.

                (Though I’m afraid I’m leaning toward it being a problem with her, whether it be hypersensitivity to something external but small or something completely internal.)

    3. Lily Evans*

      Normal noises can be bizarrely loud in old buildings. When I was in college there was a common room above my dorm my first year and it would sound like people were being So Loud, when they were sitting around playing cards. The building just really amplified any tiny noise. My current upstairs neighbors seem like they’re super loud, when in reality they’re probably just making normal noises. Our downstairs neighbors have complained about us and I know we’re not doing anything super loud. I overheard someone downstairs saying that we’re up stomping and yelling at “all hours of the night” when we’re all in bed by midnight at the latest. People get very dramatic when disrupted sleep is involved. Now I just keep ear plugs next to my bed for when I need them.

      The weirdest thing here is how disproportionate her reaction is. The fact that she opened with being completely hostile instead of politely asking you to quiet down. I’d say stop answering the door when she knocks because there’s no reason for her to behave the way she is and it’s completely reasonable to be cautious around her. I also think that you proactively contacting the landlord was a good idea, but most landlords don’t care about noise unless it’s a major disturbance (like a super loud party). Run of the mill loud walking is something most landlords I’ve dealt with couldn’t care less about. I couldn’t even get my last landlord to care about my upstairs neighbors shouting and letting their kids play ball until 3am when I was rational and polite about it. And I highly doubt a police officer would take time out of their night to investigate loud walking in a student apartment building. It’s possible that she could lie and say you’re partying, but even if an officer came then she’d look ridiculous when all they find is four students in pajamas hanging out.

      Also, is it possible that the “shaking” could be coming from a heating system problem? Sometimes heating units cause vibrations, so that could be something to ask your landlord to look into. Also if any apartment units have washing machines or dishwashers they could be the culprit.

      1. Vacaciones*

        Not even just when we sit down/stand up – she says it’s pretty much constant, and enough to physically shake her bed. Not a dishwasher (we don’t have one) and we never put the washing machine on after 9pm, because the vibrations would travel. Could be the heating system, but we very rarely have the heating on late at night, so it would have to be the boiler making noise all the time even when the heating isn’t up.
        She’s always so insistent that it’s not walking (and that she wouldn’t complain about walking) and literally won’t believe us when we’ve told her we weren’t doing anything that could be causing such shaking.
        I think if she comes back we’ll just have to ignore her and hope she goes away, but I do sympathise if she genuinely can’t sleep. I almost wish there was something we WERE doing so we could stop!

        1. Lily Evans*

          That’s so weird! And kind of nonsensical that she’s blaming you guys for something that’s near constant because who has that kind of energy to move things around that are heavy enough to shake her whole apartment all night. Most human made noises/vibrations are more intermittent.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          She sounds like me when I had one of my vertigo spells.
          For the extent of the shaking she is talking about, you should be feeling the shaking also. And you’re not. hmm.
          Maybe you can redirect her to the landlord because it sounds like she could be talking about a structural problem with the building.

    4. BRR*

      I don’t think you have to do this but can one of you go with her and the other person walk around? See if there’s merit to anything? At that point ifnits shaking you just go “it’s the building we can’t move any gentler.”

      1. Vacaciones*

        We would be totally happy to do that kind of test and I just wished that she’d come up at a reasonable time and asked us politely to do it, and we would’ve happily! My fear is now that if we go down and suggest it, it kind of legitimises her complaints that we’re doing something we shouldn’t be. Or that if we go down and prove it’s just normal human living noise, she’ll ask us to stop walking around at night and then we’ll have confrontation when we refuse.
        I think we won’t proactively suggest doing some kind of test, but if she asks us to in future, we’ll oblige.

    5. Chaordic One*

      Without jumping to conclusions about your neighbor and not knowing anything about her, I sort of wonder if she is well.

      In the year before she died my grandmother would phone my father and want him to come up to her house (about 9 blocks away) because she claimed that people were running around in her yard, knocking on her doors and pouding on the sides of the house. She also said that people were phoning her in the middle of the night and then hanging up.

      My dad drove up to her house, but never saw any people anywhere in the neighborhood. He then spent several nights in her house, but he never heard anyone running around in her yard and he says the phone never rang while he was there. We think that my grandmother must have been imagining this. (She was in her 90s at the time.)

  103. Roja*

    My husband and I are discussing places to move in the next year or two after I finish my master’s. He likes his job but there’s just so little opportunity for me here (rural western NY) in our careers (arts and media) that it’s not feasible for us to stay long-term. Things important to us both–professional opportunities in arts and media, affordable housing, medium-size cities (so no NYC/Chicago, think more like Rochester or Colorado Springs size, something not so chaotic), reasonable infrastructure (schools, parks, roads), and a reasonable-sized airport. A HUGE draw for me at least would be walkability and/or public transit, even on a small scale.

    Ideas? We love the NE and have family here but are willing to look into other areas Midwest/East Coast. Not South/Southeast/West Coast for a variety of reasons. So far we’re looking at Colorado Springs, Cleveland, and everywhere in New England. I doubt we’re ever going to make huge amounts of money in our fields so right now that’s what’s keeping us from places like Boston or Vermont. I’m looking for either thoughts on any of those places (minus Colorado Springs; I used to live there and know it well) or other ideas of places to look into. Anyone from Cleveland especially want to weigh in?

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      New Jersey has some artsy communities but unfortunately this area is not conducive to stable employment in the arts unless you want to teach.

    2. paul*

      the whole front range seems like a damn mess of low income/high housing cost right now so I don’t know about Colorado Springs. Wife and I were looking at Pueblo and CO Springs and…bleh :/ I like the geography but man.

      You might look at San Antonio; it’s kind of artsy and the housing crunch that Austin and Dallas are feeling isn’t as bad there (it’s on our own short list). I don’t know the arts as a field, but as a city it seems neat.

      I’d look at St. Paul too, and possibly some of hte larger cities in Montana and Wyoming as far as affordable COL. Cheyenne is kind of dull but Cody and Casper are near cool stuff…

      1. Parenthetically*

        Casper is a really good town and the setting is GORGEOUS. Plus, yeah, proximity to so much amazing stuff.

        1. paul*

          I’ve been looking at Sheridan myself; there’s a small manufacturing company moving there in a few months. But man it’s more expensive than here!

      2. Roja*

        Yeah, that’s what’s holding us back from Colorado right now. COL is so high. I love and miss the Springs a lot, but the transit/walkability is bad, and the housing prices are going through the roof. But I have a lot of friends there and it really is a great place to live all things considered. Unfortunately the fields my husband and I are in (dance and film, and I ice skate as a hobby) are the first ones that get cut in smaller cities. If we were in different fields the West would have a lot going for it, but…

    3. Triplestep*

      Providence, RI. Lots of arts jobs, but lots of competition for them as well. More affordable than Boston and NY with good proximity to both. Named recently on lots of lists of cool places to live.

    4. Simone R*

      Have you thought about Minneapolis? They have a great theater community, but not sure about the other arts. Housing is super affordable and their public transportation is not bad.

      1. Roja*

        Actually yes! It’s on our secondary list. It’s a great place with great arts and my extended family lives there. If we got good jobs there I think we’d go. Unfortunately what it doesn’t have is mountains or ocean, and my husband really, really loves both of those. It’s also by far the biggest city on our list. He’s a country boy at heart and after our visit to family there in the spring he wasn’t a fan, and it got bumped down to the secondary list. Pity, or else it and Madison and Milwaukee would be high on the list. But they’re all flat as pancakes.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      St. Louis, MO? I don’t know the art scene; I just know that it’s in the Midwest so the housing market isn’t quite as crazy as it is on the East and West coasts.
      There are a lot of higher-education institutions there, and an art museum and several galleries.
      Just a thought. I hope you find a place that works for both of you.

      1. Roja*

        I actually hadn’t thought of St. Louis, in part because my mom lived there for a bit and really disliked it. But I visited and didn’t mind; I should give that a look. And thank you–we do too. :) This is the first time in my life I’ve ever had control over where I’ve lived (moved a ton growing up) and gosh darn it I’m taking full advantage.

  104. Personal training*

    So I found a PT on Instagram. She had previously posted photos of herself training clients at a gym by my house. I messaged her and asked to set up a session. She said I would have to pay to secure the time, which I did.

    Today, I see photos of her training out of a big name chain gym. I message her to confirm she still works out of the gym by my house, and she says no, she works out of Big Gym. I do not want to train at Big Gym, as I do not want to have to pay for a membership at yet another gym.

    I ask her for a refund, and she says “sorry, I don’t do refunds”. Our session isn’t until Tuesday. She says I should have “not assumed” she was still working at the gym by my house. There is no mention of any gym that she works at in her Instagram bio.

    Luckily, I only paid for one session, but I still don’t feel right paying for something I didn’t use. Should I contact my credit card company to get the refund, or take the L?

    1. fposte*

      I’m not sure your credit card will do a chargeback for this, since she didn’t breach the agreement. I think her policy sucks, but it also sounds like it was clearly stated and that you agreed to it. I’d take the L.

      1. Jill*

        Yes. She should have made it clear which gym she’s at. She’ll have a hard time disputing the chargeback.

    3. nep*

      She doesn’t sound like a very smart entrepreneur, with this tone she seems to have taken with you.
      Without knowing more details about what kind of information was shared in setting up the appointment, tough to say whether you’d be ‘technically’ in the right asking for a refund; but I sure think she should just give you one. Word of mouth goes a long way, and I reckon you won’t be giving her any rave reviews anytime soon.
      Let us know how it goes. Hope you’ll be able to find a trainer you like.

    4. miyeritari*

      Calling your credit card company doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get the money back, even it appears that way upon the time of the call. (They’ll show a credit for you, but you can lose the dispute and they’ll re-take the credit back.)

      I’d guess that if the contract you signed indicates you will definitely train in House Gym, you have a shot. If you don’t have a contract saying “Session Will Take Place at House Gym,” you’re out of luck. (As an aside, I wonder if you could schedule something with her that might assuage some of your concerns with Big Gym if that’s possible, like at a low-population time or in a private area?)

    5. Temperance*

      I don’t think it’s a chargeback situation, because it sounds like you booked her based on her IG without confirming her rates or where she worked?

    6. Thursday Next*

      Did you confirm that she would work out of your gym when you paid the fee? And had she been working at Big Name Gym the whole time? If so, Big Name Gym might not be so happy with her—many places only want their trainers working for them, not at multiple gyms. Might it be possible to leverage that into a refund? Just a thought.

  105. growing out a pixie*

    I had a hair disaster last fall because of over 10 years of hardcore bleaching to blonde, extensions and heat styling. My hair was like literal straw to the point I couldn’t comb it and it was mushy and falling out. I went to the best and most well known hair dressers around here and there was nothing they could do and no money could fix it. It was so awful people in public stared. After 2 months I but the bullet at the beginning of November and cut off all the damage and was left with a less than one inch pixie in my natural color.

    I am never dying my hair again. I know there are ways to do it healthily and properly but this experience has scarred me to the point of never again. No dye, no color lighter or dark and no highlights again ever. I am doing all the right things with my hair now. I am using a shampoo without sulfates that is gentle, I have a silk pillowcase, I don’t towel dry it and I am not heat styling it at all. I only wash my hair on days when I work or have to go out somewhere, otherwise I don’t wash it. When it gets longer I can get away with only washing about 3x per week. I also bought a blow dryer with a “cold” option to avoid damage for when it gets longer.

    I am going to grow it as long as possible. It is so jarring to see myself in the mirror. I was unemployed when the disaster happened and in the 2 months of trying to have it and I started a new job 2 weeks after I cut it. So only my family and close friends saw the disaster hair and my new coworkers think I did this intentionally. I hate my hair so much. I’m not suicidal or anything over it and I did cry in the beginning to myself but I’m past that now. I just hate it and am waiting for it to grow out which will take years to get where I want. My coworkers and random people tell me it looks good out of the blue without me bringing it up and they have no reason to lie. My family and friends said it looks good but I thought in the beginning they were just trying to make me feel better.

    Has anyone ever gotten a haircut they hated? How did it turn out and how did you deal?

    (Please no advice about how I can dye it again in a healthy way. I was honestly so scarred and sicked by this experience that it will never happen again in my life for me. I have nothing against those who dye/highlight their hair but that is no longer in the cards for me)

    1. Dainty Lady*

      Oh dear, this reminds me of the awful, horrible, dreadful, no-good haircut I got when I was, oh, 19. I had no money for a good haircut, so I went to Great Clips. It was jam-packed, busy as an anthill. The stylist had 2-inch red talons for nails, she kept poking me with them. She cut as fast as she could to get to the next person.

      I staggered out of there with a *mullet*. No kidding.

      Unfortunately for me, that was the day I was meeting up with an old boyfriend from high school. Fortunately, 30 years later I am over it. But as you can tell I still remember!

      The next day, I went to a more expensive salon and had it all cut off. Should have just gone there ITFP.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      When I was a kid I had long (to the middle of my back), straight, dirty blonde hair. In the third grade, my mom took me for a haircut. I have NO idea why. She had it cut up to my collar. I cried for days and remember feeling so awful about myself. Not only was I really tall for my age, but I was also overweight, and NOW I had this really short, very wavy, very light brown hair (I have no idea how it changed color like that!) that I absolutely hated and my hair just wouldn’t do anything. (And to be fair, I was in third grade and had had straight hair my whole life, so I had no idea how to even brush it. Plus it just wouldn’t behave with all this new waviness.) I felt so ugly. It eventually got longer and easier to deal with, but my mother never let it grow that long again.

      So sorry you’re going through this. It WILL grow back, it’s just going to take awhile.

    3. Don't Blame Me*

      I’ve had tons of haircuts I don’t like. Even when I bring in pictures and think I’m communicating my vision clearly, it’s like the stylist has a different idea of what the hairstyle looks like. And generally, I’m just less happy when my hair is shorter, even if it’s a nice cut. It sounds like your haircut probably looks good (people tell you so, unprompted, after all) but you just don’t feel like yourself with your hair so short. That’s a perfectly normal feeling.

      While you’re waiting for your hair to grow out, try focusing on other aspects of your personal style that make you happy. Make sure your outfits and accessories are things you love and feel great in. Experiment with your makeup, if you wear any. Figuring out what looks good with your natural hair color could be fun.

    4. Lily Evans*

      I once wanted my hair shoulder length, the shortest I like to go with it because I like being able to pull it back, and the hairdresser cut it to my chin. To add insult to injury, I’d been cutting quite a bit off and she’d asked if I wanted to donate it since it was uncolored and I said sure, only to be handed a bag with my hair in it as I was leaving because they meant that they wanted me to donate it, not that they were offering. It seemed okay when it was styled, but I woke up the next day and cried because my hair loves frizzing and once it poofed out I hated it. There wasn’t much to do but learn to style that length in a way I didn’t hate and wait for it to grow out. Fortunately, once your hair is healthier it should grow faster! You can also talk to a doctor or pharmacist to see if they’d recommend vitamins to encourage hair growth.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Mine grows kind of on the fast side. I can do a hair cut every 6-8 weeks. I usually let it go longer than that.
      I had a bad cut that ended up with me going to someone else who basically cut off most of my hair to even things up. Actually the cut was probably okay but I could not get it styled the way the hairdresser did it and I hated the look anyway. The second cut left me with no hair longer than one inch.
      I never got compliments on my very short do. It was just not me, it did not fit with my overall appearance. I had to go to a company party. It was not good. If that happened to me now, I would skip the party.

      When I washed my hair I gave my scalp a really good, thorough massage each time. I heard that helps with hair growth. I dunno if that is true but it made me feel like I was doing something toward moving the situation along.

      It did start to grow. I kept going to that hairdresser who salvaged it for years afterward and I kept apologizing to her for asking her to clean up someone else’s mess. I avoided the mirror for a while. Try not to look in the mirror too much. Just enough to check to make sure you are presentable (no coffee lip, no mascara smears and so on) and then stop looking.

      I am with you though. I don’t use anything on my hair but for different reasons. You know, I have saved a lot of money by not coloring it, perming it, etc.

    6. HannahS*

      Yeah. I got a pixie when I was 15 and looked a bit like Daniel Radcliffe. It sucked–I mean, he’s handsome, but he doesn’t make an attractive teenage girl! Also, none of the women in my family do anything with their hair, so I didn’t know that frizz could even be managed with products. Or by blowdrying. I styled it by wetting it over the sink, and then wearing a baseball hat in the hopes that it would be mushed flat. You can imagine how ravishing I looked!

      It’s hard with a pixie, but I’d say one thing that’s helpful is to try to enjoy what you can do with whatever length your hair is at. Mine’s been from pixie to hip-length, and while there are some lengths I like more than others, at most lengths I feel like there are styles that I enjoy. There’s a cute long bob waiting for you in between the pixie and the length you’re aiming for! I hear your commitment to keeping your hair healthy, but if having pretty hair was something that gave you a lot of enjoyment, please don’t feel like you can’t ever use a curling iron again.

    7. Thlayli*

      I have had loads of haircuts I hated, some so bad I cried.

      Let it go. It’s just hair. It grows back.

    8. TL -*

      I got a dye job I hated – I mean, hardcore almost cried over hated. Apparently a lot of my identity is wrapped up in having blonde hair!
      Eventually it grew out and faded and while it’s the only time in my life I’ve consistently disliked looking in the mirror, I would just sigh and tell myself that this too shall pass.

    9. Temperance*

      I’ve had some bad haircuts, but for me, the absolute worst was when about half of my hair fell out due to TE. I was super sick and ended up in the ICU, and because of the shock, my hair switched phases and a bunch fell out. It was horrible.

      I had to keep my hair in a carefully arranged bun while the actual shedding was happening, and then cut it bluntly during. I finally ended up with an ugly chin-length bob that I hated after the short parts grew back in ear length.

    10. nep*

      I can relate.
      There were days I was in a foul mood and just generally irritable because as far as I was concerned I was walking about looking like a freak — or, anyway, looking nothing like I wanted to look.
      What helps me a bit is trying out a few accessories — one or two bobby pins, a head wrap/scarf…
      Do you/can you use any kind of product (such as sculpting paste)? This could help to try a couple ways to style it while it grows out.
      All the best

    11. Lissa*

      It sounds like you know your haircut doesn’t currently look bad, but that it doesn’t feel like “you”. I get this but in the opposite direction – I start to feel uncomfortable and unhappy if it gets past a certain length, which is coupled by the fact that I get a lot of social messages that “men like long hair” and “you should let it grow” etc. which makes me want to go back to nearly buzzed.

      So yeah, your hair can look fine to other people, and I don’t think you need to worry about how others see it – sounds like you might still be a bit traumatized by your hair disaster, even though your current hair is fine. It sucks that it’ll take so long to grow out to where you want, but hopefully the closer it gets to it, the more it’ll start to feel like “you” again, and maybe the more styling options to make it something you like.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Pixies are cute! I wish I could wear one. I tried one the summer before my senior year and I liked it but but my face is long and it’s not the best look for me.

      Worst cut ever–from the owner of a salon near my workplace in California. I had long hair and wanted a tapered cut. She hacked off the sides so there was a very harsh demarcation between sections with no blending whatsoever. Once my hair dried, it looked HORRIBLE. She refused to fix it because she saw nothing wrong with it. I had to go somewhere else and I told everyone I knew not to go there.

      This same horrible salon owner had roaches in her shop. They came over into our restaurant and we had to call the exterminator (this was a strip mall-type building). She refused to spray because she didn’t think she had a problem. Nasty, nasty woman. Guh.

      I went blonde a couple of years ago, and I love the stylist who did it. She does a very good job and uses great products (it’s Kevin Murphy). When I was a redhead, I did it myself. I would NEVER try the blonde on my own. Like you, I only wash it twice a week with shampoo; if I need to rinse it out in between, I just use conditioner and deep condition once a week. The only time it gets blow-dried is when my stylist does it (with product) and I use heat protectant before I curl it with the flatiron, which I only do for special occasions. I can’t afford the Kevin Murphy stuff from the salon, but I wish I could, because it smells AMAZING. The products I use are Hask argan oil shampoo and conditioner and the deep conditioning packet (you can get them at Walmart) or sometimes coconut oil. When I wash, follow up with a leave-in by Garnier that is very thick, and then with their smoothing milk. It took me a while to find a combination that worked for me.

      Oh yeah, and a satin pillowcase to cut down on frizz. It’s worked remarkably well. I am scared shitless to get in a pool with this hair, however, and I probably will not ever!

    13. Kristina S*

      My hair was past my shoulders and really thick. I live in Texas and the summers get hot. Last summer on a whim I shaved my head. Not bald but using a #1 guard so pretty close! I didn’t totally regret it because it was kinda nice to just wash and go! Saved a ton of money on products and it was so nice and cool!

      I am overweight with a fat face so I looked pretty Butch (I am straight).
      I got hit on by a lot of nice women though! Lol!

      All I could really do is let it grow out. My hair grows really fast though. It’s back to the length it was before I buzzed it. I want to keep growing it.

      Have you thought of maybe looking at some wigs? Or is that not for you?

    14. Thursday Next*

      There can be something nice about starting afresh with a batch of unprocessed hair. Years ago, I did a chemical straightening…in Indonesia on vacation. For a few months it was great—I could just wash and go! But it definitely changed my hair and when I couldn’t stand it anymore I lopped 10 inches off. It was shocking to me because I’m so used to long hair, but it also felt good to have my natural hair. It took a while, but it grew back. I’ve never straightened my hair since, so I hear you!

    15. Erika22*

      I got a pixie in my early 20s (intentionally, not due to needing to fix my hair) and at first I looked like Carol Brady – I took some scissors and trimmed it down even more. The first few days I was so self conscious – I’m not fat but chubby, and I felt like I wasn’t as pretty. Over time though, I realized it’s one of the best things I’ve done for myself. Not having hair to hide behind is actually so emboldening, and it gave me confidence in a way I would have never thought of. But I know you’ve had your hair short for a while now, and it wasn’t an intentional cut. My first suggestion is to make sure you get maintenance cuts while you’re growing it out. It may sound counterintuitive since your goal is to grow it as quickly as possible, but getting shaping cuts will ensure your hair actually looks good while it’s growing out (I didn’t do this because I’m lazy, but there was a period in between my pixie and my bob where I looked like the fifth Beatle – I don’t recommend this). Getting regular trims will also help with the health of your hair, since you’ll be trimming split ends that will otherwise make your hair frizz and weaken. My second suggestion is to look at pictures of people with pixie cuts and see how they style them – hair products, jewelry, clothes, accessories, etc. Lean in to the chic element of a pixie! I loved wearing earrings because they highlighted my jaw and were actually visible with no hair to get tangled in, and I learned to play with my makeup more since my face was now front and center. Since you can’t make your hair grow faster no matter what the Internet says, just concentrate on keeping it healthy and know in a year you’ll have a bob, in two you’ll have midlength hair, and in three years it will be fairly long again. Two-three years may sound like a long time, but it’s really not! And in the meantime, take advantage of having all of these different lengths – you may find you really enjoy a style you never would have tried if you didn’t go through this experience!

      1. Overeducated*

        Your comment said everything I wanted to say! +100 to maintenance cuts, it’s so important to have it look neat and intentional during the awkward growing out phases (so they’re not obviously awkward growing out phases). This helps a LOT and gives you more of a sense of variety. Sometimes a really short cut can also feel less feminine, so if that is making you feel less yourself, use accessories and makeup to play it up more.

        That said, I am a pixie convert. I tried to grow it out again over the last few months, and got it chopped very short again about a week ago. It wasn’t about the look, it was the effort, not having to ever dry or straighten or style my hair was so liberating that it may stay this way forever. Not saying you should keep yours short, just enjoy the low maintenance for this very brief period!

    16. NaoNao*

      I don’t know if this helps, but I had a similar experience. I at-home dyed my hair with bleach and unnatural colors and after about a year, I lost almost all the hair from about 4-5″ down on one side of my head. It was…not great. I had these “baby hairs” (broken hairs) sticking straight out, a weird side shave effect, the whole nine. I also had the most important interview of my LIFE coming up. I did get an amazing blow out at an Aveda salon that concealed most of it for long enough to get through that interview in one piece, and it’s growing back, but I do the same:
      No more bleach of any kind
      No more “lift” dyes (only the dyes that are like a layer of paint, like Unicorn Hair, etc)
      No more sodium laurel sulfate shampoo. I use a “no poo” every 4 days or so and supplement with dry shampoo if it’s getting funky in between
      No products really—just a smoosh of B&B grooming cream or a spritz of oil if it’s getting really thatchy
      Silk pillowcase too!

      The desire has been to cut it into a “pixie bob” style that’s a slightly longer pixie to allow the natural hair to grow, but my BF is very, very reluctant to give the thumb’s up. I think he’d actually be okay with it once he saw it, but he just likes longer hair. I’m like babe, it’s straw…it’s just very damaged and “eh”. I’m lucky to have *any* left.

      I can relate a lot because I don’t want my natural mouse brown rat gray hair color but dying it aggressively is just not an option. Unnatural hair made me *very* happy and I’m sad that it’s just…not really much of an option right now or maybe even later either. For about a month I was *miserable* with my baby hairs and gray roots and patchy faded hair in pastels. Ugh.

      If it makes you feel better, a friend shaved her head completely (like down to the fuzz) on Nov 4 for St. Jude’s and it’s now a very short pixie only 3 months later. A couple more months she’ll have enough to catch in a barrette, and a couple more, she can style it. It grows *fast*.

      For me, acceptance came when I stopped fussing with it and sort of…just let it do what it was going to. I dyed it that maroon-ish purple color that is closer to nature and will not show roots as much, and the plan is to just keep cutting the last couple inches off until the damage is gone and it’s all “virgin” hair (well, colored, but not bleached or toned). And I stopped trying to do masks and treatments and oils and different shampoos and was got Hairstory New Wash and was like “eh, this is it.”

      I don’t like when people say “let it go” or “get over it”. YOU deal with hating your reflection every minute of every day and feeling like part of your attractiveness is permanently gone and we’ll talk then, Mr/Ms “let it go it’s just hair”. :/

  106. nep*

    Oh how I adore Zadie Smith.
    Source — a 2012 interview in Granta.
    Part of a question: How has living and teaching for stretches in America impacted on your view of London?
    Part of her answer: It has made me weep with the realization that the barbarism ‘impacted’ has now truly crossed the pond.

  107. PhyllisB*

    Any hair stylists out here? My 32 year old son is getting frustrated because he’s losing his hair. I heard a stylist tell a customer one time that there is a shampoo by Treseme that helps slow down hair loss, but I wasn’t really paying attention. Does anyone know if this is true, and which one it would be?

    1. Kc89*

      If he’s serious about preventing it he should immediately start using rogaine, one of the few things proven to work

    2. Book Lover*

      There is a prescription pill he could take, also – propecia. I haven’t looked into side effect profile. Topical rogaine is well tolerated.

    3. HannahS*

      When I started losing hair (at 18, and female, so you can imagine how fun that was) my derm told me the only thing that really works is Rogaine. I tried it, and I found it pretty messy to apply, and I was always worried it would rub off onto my pillowcase and make me start growing a beard or something. On top of it, the hair it grows tends to be wispier and lighter in colour than the other hair on one’s head. But plenty of people seem to use it! So, if he wants, it’s fine to try, but I think the only lasting solutions to male pattern baldness (which women can get too!) are A) wigs/hairpieces, B) hair implants, C) managing to be fine with what you’ve got, or D) shaving it off.

    5. Anon.*

      There are several shampoos that contain “DHT-blockers” that might or might not be effective. DHT is a male hormone related to testosterone and androgen, that causes hair follicles to atrophy on the head, but it also seems to cause hair to grow elsewhere on the male body.

      There aren’t really any standards and so-called DHT-blocker shampoos might have anything in them, including all sorts of stuff that may or may not work. The ingredient “ketoconazole” seems to block DHT. Other things that do not block DHT, but that have been linked to increased hair-growth include biotin, pumpkin seed oil, saw palmetto, and rosemary oil. If you’re going to look for a shampoo, you probably want to find one with these ingredients.

      1. Agnodike*

        Much of this is not correct. Androgens are a class of hormones, not a separate kind of hormone. DHT is dihydrotestosterone, an androgen that your body makes from testosterone, and it causes hair loss. “DHT blockers” are chemicals that prevent DHT from binding to androgen receptors in your body, which means it can’t have an effect on your hair. Ketoconazole is an anti fungal drug found in over the counter dandruff shampoos like Nizoral. Some older studies have shown that it may help with hair regrowth under certain conditions, so it’s sometimes used with other drugs like minoxidil for treatment of male pattern baldness. It doesn’t block DHT; it inhibits the enzyme that converts testosterone to DHT, which means less DHT overall.

    6. Triple Anon*

      I think he should ask his doctor about it. Then he could get the latest info on what’s proven to work and what not to bother with. I wouldn’t necessarily trust a hair stylist’s opinion. They’re not medical professionals.

  108. Lily Evans*

    I’m back here late, but I’m really proud of my self growth progress right now. I’ve talked on here before about one friend I used to be really close with who I’ve been drifting apart from and it really hurt for a while. Like I’d visit her all the time (over an hour by public transit) but she wasn’t willing to drive half an hour to reciprocate and she just would always flake when she would promise to come here. I invited her to my birthday party but she can’t come because she’s going with her new friend group to Vegas. For a second I just automatically felt bitter that she could fly six hours to Vegas with friends but not drive half an hour to see me, but then I realized there were no actual hurt feelings behind the thought! It was just my ingrained response, but once it passed I realized I didn’t care. Two years ago, even six months ago, I would have felt devastated, but I’ve actually finally moved on. I have a solid group of friends now who show up when they say they will and I don’t need to pin my efforts on someone who isn’t reliable. It feels really good.

    2. nep*

      This is great progress and insight. Good for you.
      Such an important lesson for many areas of life — how often we just go with that conditioned thought, even when there’s no real weight or basis to it.

      1. Lily Evans*

        It really is interesting. It reminds me of how you’ll stub a toe and say ow before realizing you didn’t actually hurt yourself.

  109. Anonymom*

    Anyone still here? Speak to me of parenting teens and asexuality. I think. Daughter is almost 17, great student, talented in several areas of music and performance, all around hilarious, well-adjusted kid. She has never paired up with anyone, but has gone to school dances “with” a boy in the sense that a bunch of awkward underclassmen paired up and did flowers. She is friendly with many kids and has good close friends male and female. Things got interesting this fall — she started dating a girl, and that had not been on our radar. The girl is lovely, sweet, fun so we welcomed her like we do other teens.
    Daughter recently mentioned in passing that she has never kissed anyone and doesn’t plan to. I tend to believe her on this one, watching her with her gf. She has said since she was little that she did not want to be pregnant and has now expanded that to include sex. I have always been really open with her, including talking about sexual desire and female sexuality with a fairly feminist bent. But I had always assumed she was having pants-feelings like I did in high school.
    What does a mom do at this point? I’m inclined to just be chill and let her figure herself out, but do I sit her down and talk about asexuality as a possibility?

    1. Raine*

      I’m not asexual, but as someone who is only a little older than your daughter, I would like to think that if my mother and I had open conversations about sex and sexuality, I would have appreciated a conversation about asexuality. Odds are your daughter may have been exposed to the idea of asexuality through friends or social media, but it can’t hurt to be open.

      However, I don’t think this needs to be some sort of serious sit down talk, maybe just some casual conversation about an asexual celebrity (there are more than you think) or something similar. Beyond that, chilling., letting her figure herself out on her own timeline, and being there for her if she has questions are the best things that I personally think you can do.

    2. ..Kat..*

      1. Be chill
      2. Let her figure this out, but let her know that you are there for her.
      3. Tell her you are trying to understand what she is going through. Look up asexuality on line. Ask her if this is what she feels like.
      4. Tell her you love her no matter what.

    3. Ace Adventurer*

      Speaking as someone who is asexual, and only discovered there was a term for it when I was in my mid-30’s:

      – being chill and let her figure herself out is a good plan.
      – be open to discussing sexuality (and romantic attraction, gender etc.) as it sounds like you already are. Keep the lines of communication open. Include asexuality in the realm of possibilities when talking about these issues (e.g. don’t just talk about people being gay or straight – it sounds like you are already clued up on this though) but I wouldn’t force it. If she says something again about not wanting to kiss/have sex, you could use that as an opening to bring it up and see what she says – I wouldn’t initiate a sit-down talk out of the blue but if she makes these comments she may already be testing the waters.
      – maybe see if there is any media with asexual characters that she might enjoy (I loved Seanan McGuire’s novella Every Heart A Doorway which has an ace protagonist)?

      1. Totally Minnie*

        I’m late to the party, but “Let’s Talk About Love” by Claire Kann features an asexual, biromantic main character.

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