weekend free-for-all – April 14-15, 2018

by Alison Green on April 14, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Would You Rather? by Katie Heaney. A funny, honest memoir about love, relationships, and figuring out who you are.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Roseberriesmaybe*

    Drag Race watchers: did you not or did you not think that the drama is running high this season? I’m loving it, and also I want Monique to win

    1. BRR*

      It’s running higher than the past couple seasons. While the Vixen is reactionary she seems to be aching for a fight.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      Agree. The Untuckeds are just crazy this season!

      I’m pulling for Aquaria or Miz Cracker, I think.

        1. EXTRAVAGANZA*

          I was so surprised with her wit this episode! I feel like they kept her low for a few episodes on purpose…

      2. AdAgencyChick*

        I was so pleased that Kameron did better this week! I’m rooting for her really hard because I LOVE the idea of a muscle queen, but man, was she terrible in last week’s acting challenge. This week I was delighted to see her turn it out, and I hope she gets even better in the weeks to come.

    3. EXTRAVAGANZA*

      Had no idea there were so many RPDR peeps here!! I think this season has the most talented people ever. I love Monet’s personality but I could not pick one at this point! Also, so sorry Dusty left!

      1. AdAgencyChick*

        Agreed on Dusty. I was really hoping that when Ru admonished the other queens that THAT is how you lip sync for your life, that she was going to spare both of them. Alas!

    4. AdAgencyChick*

      I feel like the drama aspect was intensified with the changeover from Logo to VH1. The producers are clearly encouraging the queens to talk sh!t to and about each other. (That handwritten note during All-Stars 3? COME ON.)

      I also lament the loss of some of the more outrageous mini-challenges. Now the best we get is a photobomb, but I fondly recall the era of drag queens playing golf with their, uh, stockings.

  2. Abe Froman*

    Anybody from Seattle or Denver? My wife and I discussed moving to those cities last night (mostly hypothetical), and I’d love to hear pros and cons.

    1. PB*

      I used to live in Seattle. It’s a great area.

      Pros: Lots of art and culture. Big local culture, especially food culture. If you like nature, there’s lots of it around. Hiking, drives in the mountains, swimming, biking. The summers are glorious. Sunny, warm but not hot, low humidity.

      Cons: Expensive. It was a pricey area to live when I lived there, and it’s gotten worse. The weather in the winter is draining. The constant rain wears on you, and what no one warms you about is the problems with air stagnation. My first year there, I had a problem with chronic sinus infections. And every now and then, an earthquake at Mount St. Helens causes volcanic ash to shoot into the air, which you get to breath. Yay! It’s also not a very diverse city, so mono-culture can be an issue.

      All that being said, I loved living there. I hoped to move back a couple years ago, but it didn’t pan out. I would move back in a heartbeat.

      1. Lived in Seattle 10 Years, Have Pals in Denver*

        I’m reminded that I used to get a throat infection every damn winter in Seattle. Ugh.

      2. Kj*

        Seattle is expensive. It is more diverse now than a few years ago, thanks to the city getting bigger. The south end is the more diverse part of town. I don’t mind the rain, although I understand why others do. Seattle natives are not really friendly- the Seattle Freeze, as it is called, is real. But the city has enough transplants it is less of a problem now- I have been here 8 years and I am only friends with other transplants.
        Hiking and culture are pros. I’d add Seattle is very literary- bookstores are a big part of the culture here.
        I like Seattle- it is a young city with a lot of life. Home prices are high, but more in the north end than south- the city used to be very segregated with north being the white part of town and south where people of color lived. That has changed somewhat recently.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          I don’t mind the rain but I do mind the thing where the sun rises at 8am and sets at 4pm but it’s so overcast you barely notice the sun happened at all. I don’t realize how much the darkness bums me out until there’s a sunny day and I suddenly feel invincible.

          1. Red Reader*

            My last winter in Seattle I kept track on my calendar – I went 42 days in a row without seeing the sun.

            1. NorthernSoutherner*

              That wouldn’t be doable for me. I’ve visited Seattle, loved it, but I’m from Florida, the Sunshine State. Enough said. It’s been tough for me in the Northeast, with the early winter sunsets, but even in winter there are brilliantly sunny days and all is right with the world.

            2. Tau*

              I’m from Europe (Germany, but spent a long time in the UK) and we also tend to winters consisting of grey skies and drizzle, so I hear you on this one. :/ I still remember one time I was cycling home in January or something and went “wait, that’s strange, what is this weird glaring bright light shining in my eyes… oh. It’s the sun.”

              I also decided that although I love the country, I could never live in Scotland again because the winters were murder. Sorry, Scots. Germany’s not much better, but the ~1 hour extra daylight in December does make a difference.

          2. teclatrans*

            I lived in a gloomy, cloudy place much further north of Seattle one year, and I still carry a bit of trauma from that whole “the sun never rose, did it?” experience (especially bad in November and December). I have a whole new appreciation for light-based winter solstice festivals.

    2. Bea*

      Native PNWer and currently Seattle. It’s wonderful. The weather is not as bad as everyone says it is. You get used to it, just carry an umbrella in your trunk.

      The COL is rising but if you are okay commuting the surrounding areas are very reasonable.

      Lots of entertainment available. Close to skiing or hiking and close enough to the coast. Multi cultural. I’ve never found a place I feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

      I really have no cons because it’s a perfect world from small town PNW where I grew up.

      1. Windchime*

        I’m also a PNW native. I grew up in the rural, Eastern part of the state but I always had an affinity for Seattle. I now live about 30 miles north of the city and commute in every day because–well, because I’m not a millionaire and I can’t afford anything closer. I work in the heart of downtown and I feel safe most of the time, at least in the areas where I walk at lunchtime. The city seems very diverse to me, but that’s probably because I grew up in a very un-diverse area. The people that work in my department of about 100 people are from all over the world.

        The rain is a drag. Winter and spring are indistinguishable from one another; it’s darkness and rain for about half the year. But the summers and falls are beautiful.

    3. ampg*

      Denver pros:

      Amazing weather. Proximity / culture of outdoor activities. Variety of professional sports all in the downtown area. Lively food and beer scene. DIA is a great airport, very easy to get anywhere in US.

      Denver cons:

      Traffic is getting worse every year, as is cost of living. Noticeable lack of diversity. Not much access to water–ocean obviously but also rivers and lakes. If you are used to water recreation this may bother you. High altitude may be a con for some depending on health.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes, Lord, the WEATHER, 300 days of sunshine a year, and summer in the mountains is just too good. I live in the south/midwest now and it’s the thing I miss the most about Colorado. That and the aspens in September.

      2. Middle Name Jane*

        Ha! Yes, I spent a week in Denver for my last job and I didn’t know altitude sickness was a thing. I was nauseated all week and kept getting nosebleeds because my nose had dried out so much. Beautiful city–but my body was unprepared.

    4. Lived in Seattle 10 Years, Have Pals in Denver*

      Seattle is traffic is a nightmare. And it’s getting worse with no relief on the horizon, because Amazon is looking to build a complex by a particular interchange downtown that simply can’t support the influx of cars and bodies.

      Seattle real estate is unaffordable. Don’t move there without a job or jobs already lined up. And even with a job, you may well have to live way, way out of downtown. I’ll also second PB’s point about the air. We had mildew and mold in a number of the places we lived because the damp can be very hard to get rid of. This is partly because, compared to areas of the country with “real” winters, residential construction is not that weather-tight.

      Seattle has a “Minnesota nice” streak that can be hard to get used to. Depends if you’re going to be moving in circles comprising of people who’ve been there for a few generations (lots of Scandinavian heritage), or newer arrivals (Asian immigrants, Latinx immigrants, and tech people from all over).

      Denver traffic is terrible, too. (Bonus: an interchange called the “Mousetrap.”) I’ve never lived there so I can’t speak to residential construction. I do have some good friends there, though. Culturally you’ll see a very strong Libertarian or at least anti-tax streak there, especially if you end up in Colorado Springs (lots of good googleable stuff about that town’s tax adventures).

      The mile-high altitude in Denver is something that you legit have to contend with. Try it out for a week, seriously.

      1. Courageous cat*

        What day-to-day effects would the altitude cause over a week? I’ve never been somewhere high-altitude but have always loved the idea of Denver so I’m curious.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          I lived there for a year and the first few weeks were the hardest. I have a very mild exercise/illness induced asthma but am otherwise in good health. Every level of exertion felt a step or two harder (e.g. mild felt like moderate and moderate like hard or extreme) due to the lack of available oxygen. I played weekly ultimate frisbee with colleagues and for the first month or two it was really easy to tell which of us had just moved from sea level. A run up the field left us bent over and panting. After that, though, most of us adjusted and it seemed normal. I got back to my usual level of physical activity and maybe even ended up fitter because the outdoor opportunities are so good.

          My parents now live at 7000+ feet and when I visit them, I can feel it. It’s harder to exert myself and I get short of breath more easily, but I can still do household activities without noticing, walk without issue, and hike, though I may have to slow down on strenuous portions. I jog when I visit and that’s hard. If I were to stay there for any length of time, though, I expect I would adapt again, since they outpace me easily, despite being in their 70s.

        2. The New Wanderer*

          If you’re coming from low ground, you’ll definitely notice the hypoxia-related effects in the first week, especially if you do anything more strenuous than walking short distances. I did a group hike up one of the nearby mountains at the end of a week – we were instructed to add small amounts of exercise throughout the week to help overcome the effects. About a third of the group still had to quit before the halfway point because the exertion got to them.

          I considered a job in one of the Denver suburbs a while back. I think that would have been a really nice place to live but I’m a ‘burb girl.

    5. Stacy*

      I’m from Seattle and love it! The weather is really much better than people think, it’s just that we do have a lot of chunks of time where it is grey, damp, and cloudy. I’m allergic to many grasses, and since our weather is so mild it is always allergy season for me, which leads to sinus infections if I’m not mindful (honestly though my body is ridiculously sensitive to lots of things). We dress in layers here, and if you like to get outside to play this is the place to be. Conversely if you like to curl up with a great book and a cup of coffee by a window this is also the place to be!

      Cons: it’s gotten insanely expensive in things like the housing market and, with the latest influx of people the population has really been growing again in the last few years so traffic reflects that. I kind of disagree about the comment about Seattle not being diverse. It is in some ways/locations, but now socioeconomic status is a big one. It’s hard to not feel like tech companies are pushing us out of the area when the only folks who can afford housing that doesn’t feel like you’re spending a million hours commuting each day are the ones making good tech company salaries, especially if you’ve got dual tech salaries. But I’m comparing it to the memories in my head where it seemed like the longest it took to get anywhere was 45 minutes, so ymmv

      Honestly, when it comes to Seattle pros and cons are very much going to vary by person in a way that they might not for other places, and will depend on things like what do you like to do in your free time, what would your living situation look like, what do you do for work and how close/far would you want to be to work and/or play

      1. Wendy Darling*

        I love the Seattle area very much and I grew up in the Los Angeles area so the traffic doesn’t even faze me much, but two things kill me: How dark it is in the winter, and the fact that I cannot afford to buy a house or even a condo anywhere I actually want to live.

        I would not move back to CA if you paid me though (literally — I took a layoff rather than let a job pay to move me back to CA). I like the culture, when the weather’s nice it’s aggressively nice, the traffic and cost of living are about the same as every other city I’d want to live in, so… here I am.

    6. Red Reader*

      I moved from the midwest to Seattle and discovered that it was horrible for my mental health about the time that I got engaged to someone who wouldn’t consider living anywhere else. It’s grey and gloomy and drizzly — not a proper rain, just drizzle — 9 months out of the year. (Other places get more rain in terms of inches of rainfall — Seattle just drags it out so it’s constant over 9 months.) Most of the city shuts down when it snows, because the 10,000 person town where my parents live in central Michigan has more snow removal equipment than the entire Seattle metroplex and local ordinance doesn’t allow them to salt the roads, and the whole city is built on hills so it’s a death trap when it’s icy. When it’s not 45 and drizzly, the city is truly beautiful, and I would’ve loved it if not for the weather. But when I was informed that I was getting divorced, the first thing I did was start planning my escape back to somewhere with seasons.

      Also, when I left in 2012, my last two apartments had been $850/month for a 275 square foot studio and $1600/month for a 2/1 5th floor walkup. I looked a couple months ago out of curiosity, and that 2/1 is now $2800/month, and the website doesn’t make it look like it’s been significantly updated with amenities to justify another $1200.

      On buying: My home-purchase budget here in Indianapolis got me a 4/3 on almost half a fenced acre. In Seattle, the same amount of money would have gotten me a 1br fixer-upper condo, 1.5 hours out from downtown.

      1. Relyan*

        I’m currently in Seattle, and I’ve lived here for 2 years. I love the city, but like anywhere it has its pros and cons.

        Pros: Great culture – arts, music, concerts; there is always something to do. Lots of outdoor activities, like hiking, camping, running, rowing, biking; Seattle is a very health conscious city. Lots of vegetarian or vegan food options, too. It is also easy to get around the city on foot, bike or bus; I sold my car a few months after I moved here and for the most part I don’t miss it. You can rent a car for a few hours or a day if you need one, too.

        Cons: Traffic is bad, and constant construction adds to the congestion whenever a road or lane is closed. Housing and rent is insanely expensive; the local news recently said that the average cost of homes within a 30 minute commute to Seattle is $600,000. Make sure you have a job or at least a place to stay before you move here. And the Seattle Freeze is real; it can take a long time to stop getting the cold shoulder from people.

        As for the weather, it doesn’t rain so much as constantly drizzle. It snows a little in the winter, but usually less than an inch; it’s not like the feet of snow that other cities get. Summer is beautiful – sunny days in the 60s and 70s.

      2. Wendy Darling*

        The summers have gotten longer, sunnier, and warmer the last few years. I’m not sure if it’s luck or climate change but it’s been really consistent. Summer has been starting in May instead of on July 5 (Seattle tradition: It must rain on July 4).

    7. Soupspoon McGee*

      I currently go to school in Seattle, but I’m from the Portland, OR area. I much prefer Portland.

      Cons: Seattle is crazy expensive. I pay $1200 for a tiny studio–more than my mortgage for a home that’s more than times larger. Traffic is worse with every passing year. The food scene is okay, but nothing has blown my mind. The weather is depressing. The Minnesota Nice thing manifests in weird ways — like, everyone rates every restaurant 4/5 unless it’s really horrible, so unless it’s rate 4.4 or above, it’s just okay (This is my unscientific survey). I’ve also made friends with transplants, but not really with Seattle natives.

      Pros: It’s surrounded by water and mountains. It’s pretty. Public transportation is great–I mostly use the bus to get from home to school and to the downtown area. There are lots of food delivery services. There’s a booming craft brew and wine culture, so there are lots of great options.

      If I may throw Portland’s hat into the ring: It’s less overcast and a little warmer than Seattle. Traffic is an issue, but not nearly as bad as Seattle’s. Public transportation is decent (not as robust as Seattle’s), and it would be harder to live without a car in Portland. With housing — it’s easier to find something affordable, maybe in an outlying area. I think the restaurants are better, and the food cart culture means there are lots of options. There are lots of funky, fun neighborhoods in Portland. It’s a very arts, foody, beery city.

      1. Professional-Confrontation-Haver*

        I was hoping someone would bring up Portland! My husband and I honeymooned in Portland last summer and absolutely fell in love with it–so much so that it’s at the top of our list of places to move in ~5 years. I’d be curious to know more about what it’s like to live there. I’ve heard from many natives that it’s getting too popular and losing some of its charm because it’s so busy (plus housing is so expensive!) but I still have such a strong interest in moving there.

    8. Nacho*

      I was born and raised in a small suburb right outside Seattle. It’s a great city with tons of nightlife, a good bus-line, and plenty of jobs, but the housing situation is complete shit. A tiny one bedroom condo is $200k, and houses are $500-1m. Rent is $1200-1600/month for the cheapest places.

      If you’ve got the money, it’s a great city, but if not you’ll end up living about half an hour away in the bad part of town.

    9. Abe Froman*

      Thanks for all the input! I live in Chicago, and my wife and I started a conversation about where we might move. I want similar weather (I can’t handle heat), so Seattle and Denver were strong options. Also Santa Fe (my wife grew up in that area). Any potential places I’m missing? Similar weather to Chicago and has to be a decent sized city. My job is 100% remote so I have lots of flexibility.

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Hey, thanks for asking this, Abe Froman — my partner and I have been talking about moving to the PNW or the outskirts of the SF Bay area in 5-10 years, depending on what we feel we can afford at the time. This would be for retirement or semi-retirement if we want to keep teleworking/freelancing/consulting for a while. I’m so with you on the climate, I much prefer the weather in the 40s or 50s than in the 80s, and I can take lots of rain if it’s cool, although I really feel like I have less energy on heavily overcast days, so I’d probably want to look into a mood/SAD light, at least. But then I started hearing good things about CO, mostly from my craft beer friends and newsletters. I wouldn’t mind the sun or even some temps in the 80s if the humidity was low.

      3. swingbattabatta*

        I grew up in Seattle, lived in Chicago for a decade, moved back to Seattle! You’ll be very disappointed in Seattle’s public transit with the El, very please with Seattle’s relative safety compared to Chicago, and shocked at how comparatively cheap the beer and expensive the housing is in Seattle :)

      4. Interplanet Janet*

        I’ve heard good things about Flagstaff, AZ from friends from my neck of the woods in the Sierra Nevada who recently moved there. Similar altitude (6,900′), moderate temps, low humidity, get a little snow to play in, etc.

        1. Interplanet Janet*

          Oops I think I replied to the wrong comment. Sorry for going OT in this thread.

      5. Mallows*

        Denver gets hot. There are lots of 90+ days in July-August, and it doesn’t always automatically drop down at night like you might expect. One thing I didn’t think about at all before I moved here, and which is a thing: air quality. Lots of days when a brown haze hangs over the city.

        Outdoors, obviously, is lovely if you don’t always require water to be part of your view. I paid $70 for an unlimited state parks pass last year and it has proved its worth at least twice over. You don’t have to go to Rocky Mountain Nat’l Park to get great alpine views.

        Also, I’m not sure if this differs from Seattle, but you better like dogs if you move here. I have not noticed a tendency to follow leash laws/regulations. (I might be biased after having seen an unattended unleashed dog poop on the moving walkway at the airport last week.)

        1. The New Wanderer*

          Dogs are freakin’ everywhere in the Seattle area. I see a few every time I go in a store or mall and once at a hair salon. Not enough people seem to follow leash laws or pick up after their dogs, especially on hiking trails with big signs about those things. I know it’s not exclusive to Seattle, but it has gotten noticeably worse in the past ten years around here. And I like dogs! What I don’t like is the attitude that they belong everywhere and hearing “Oh it’s okay, my dog is friendly” as their dog comes tearing up to my kids, one of whom very obviously doesn’t want the dog to be close.

    10. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Not from there, but grew up spending time in Seattle and travelled there often as an adult. Its a city we would definitely consider due to the art scene, tech scene, and the appreciation and acceptance for a lot of diverse music. Lots of excellent food around, good international connections, etc. I am OK with the weather.

      Downsides – the homeless situation always bothered me, as did the traffic.

      Have you also considered Minneapolis?

      1. Abe Froman*

        I have, but they just got hit with another 6 inches of snow, and I don’t think I want that in my life.

        1. Natalie*

          It’s up to about 12” now.

          That said, this isn’t typical for April, for whatever that’s worth.

      2. Red Reader*

        I will say — without getting into the problems that cause homelessness, a lot of the transient population that have choices (those who live in vehicles, train hoppers, hitch-hikers) choose Seattle over other places in part because of the relatively mild weather (it rains, but you’re not going to risk freezing to death on a semi-regular basis) and the high number of social services agencies that make various services available to them. I worked for a nonprofit in Seattle for a year or so while I was there that their primary service to the community was literally to collect information about Seattle’s various social services organizations and compile it to share with both other organizations and members of the community, including operating several different telephone hotlines for the purposes of making that information available to anyone who needed to call in and ask for assistance. My understanding is that the availability of those services is a lot higher in Seattle than in other cities of similar size. (Though it’s been a minute since I was involved, so my information may be somewhat outdated.)

        1. LCL*

          Thank you for posting that information about the homeless traveling here. One of the reasons we are so stuck on this issue is some homeless advocacy groups claim that the homeless aren’t coming here from all over the country. The homeless do travel to where conditions are better, everybody knows that. The other 2 causes of homelessness here are the exploding costs of real estate, and the opioid epidemic.

        2. Where's the Le-Toose?*

          When I was living in Southern California and the last time I had a roommate (somewhere around 2001), my roommate had a collection of friends who would couch surf for a week or so before leaving to go to either Portland (reason: “I can sleep in my car and not get rousted by the cops”) or Seattle (reason: not getting harassed and available services). These were are able bodied kids in their early 20’s who could work but didn’t want to.

    11. Former Chicagoan*

      I lived most of my life in Chicago, also lived in Denver 4 yrs, and now have been in the Bay Area for 4 yrs. What I can tell you, having moved from Chicago to Denver, is that Denver will NOT feel like a decent-sized city after living in Chicago. At least it didn’t for me. It felt like a small town playing dress-up and pretending to be a city. There are some cool things there, but as a lover of arts/music/culture, I felt there was a lot lacking. I also had trouble making (close) friends there, and I’ve lived all over the world and never had trouble making friends anywhere else.
      And personally, I thought it was too sunny in Denver — I longed for overcast days. Some other midwesterners felt the same, but of course lots of people love all the sun, so that’s a really individual thing. I also missed being near the water. Unless your are into snow sports, I cannot recommend Denver as a place of residence.
      I’ve spent quite a bit of time in Seattle, but have never lived there. I love it, though, and if choosing btwn Denver and Seattle, I would choose Seattle in a heartbeat. Not even close. Denver has nothing on Seattle, unless if you are really into skiing or snowboarding.
      Another thing, which a lot of people don’t think about, but the standards for health insurance vary A LOT depending on where you live. Denver’s standards for employer-provided health insurance suck! And this wasn’t just my employer. People from Colorado thought my employer had *great* benefits, but people from the midwest were like, What the hell — these are awful benefits! I had a FT professional job for a large org and didn’t even have proper dental insurance! Health insurance included co-insurance too. (If you don’t know what co-insurance is, you are better off not knowing.)
      I love living in the Bay Area. It’s expensive of course, and I live an hour from San Francisco which is kind of too far from the city. But I still love it here. And I have awesome health insurance, unlike in Denver.

      1. NaoNao*

        Thank you so much for saying this! I’ve lived in larger and smaller cities and I have *never* struggled to make friends like I do here in Denver.
        I also felt it was a one-horse town that is very clearly a stopover on the way to the “real” attractions: state parks, mountains, camping, ski-ing, etc.
        I struggled partly because I’m not outdoorsy (vast mountain vistas all look alike to me), I don’t drink (honestly, beer and wine drinking culture is a BIG thing here) and I am not sporty. Sports teams, including the local minor league baseball team, are *huge* in Denver.
        The city has a youthful, sporty, at times “bro” vibe that I do not mesh with well.
        There are some arts and culture hot spots, but compared to, say, Taos, a city I visited recently, there is no distinctly “Denver vibe” that immediately sets it apart from other 2nd tier (in terms of size before everyone shreds me!) cities. History and historical buildings are not respected at all here, and torn down for *horrible* “slot” condo and apartment buildings that are massively out of scale with the rest of the area in what used to be charming, walkable bedroom communities.
        Traffic is a serious issue: the infastructure is just not there to support the influx of people. The city planners “done goofed” and the city is bisected by the highway (ugh!!) so you can’t use a street level artery to cross town you MUST use the highway in most cases or add 30 minutes and a maze of side streets to do so.
        Many people like the legal MJ, the low key, sporty, playful vibe, and the weather, which is very nice.
        We also have a serious homelessness issue, partly due to drug addictions, and partly due to people moving here to work in the weed industry and not understanding the regulations and hoops you have to jump through to work here. Also, same as other cities with rising housing costs (it’s about 1000 per bedroom or 2$ a square foot here) and few affordable housing options: you get housing insecure and homelessness big time.

        1. Former Chicagoan*

          NaoNao –
          I’m so glad you found my post helpful! As for the difficulty making friends, I’ve heard it from many others too, so you are not alone! Interestingly, I met someone 10 months before I moved away from Denver who quickly became one of my best friends in the world, and still is, but I didn’t meet her until I was already trying to move away!
          I also agree that the traffic and road infrastructure is dumb, for lack of a better word. So many things about it. My sister was there for a visit and quickly had that same impression without me even pointing it out to her.
          That said, I did find some really cool things in the city. Their independent film center (Sie Film Center on Colfax) is incredible (HIGHly recommend the membership — you get invited to so many free screenings!), and their international film festival was, in my opinion, better and more diverse than Chicago’s. I also loved the Bluebird for live music. And lots of other things. But still was never quite happy there.
          If you want to contact me for questions/suggestions, I’m including my email with my username, if it works…

        2. Former Chicagoan*

          Well, the email thing didn’t work, I think b/c I don’t have a gravatar, but if want to get in touch, post a comment here to that effect, and I’ll ask Alison to put us in touch.

    12. Cuddles Chatterji*

      I love Denver. One huge con I have not seen mentioned yet is the current housing market. It’s not Seattle bad, but there is very little inventory , and what’s out there is quite inflated and difficult to get.

    14. LCL*

      Fact 1: Seattle, and Washington state, don’t have an income tax. Tax money is raised by sales and property tax.
      Fact 2: Seattle has seen explosive growth, far beyond the ability of the existing infrastructure to support. We are playing catch up in all areas.

      These two nonpolitical realities drive virtually all our politics. Seattle has a local subreddit for the deep dive. Seattle.WA

  3. Nancy*

    I wanted to say thanks to those who helped me by suggesting places for finding maternity clothes. Macy’s had some (at the store), target online, and J.C. Penney online. I’ll keep looking and report back if I find anything else. Thanks again!

    1. MechanicalPencil*

      I know the Target near me has a maternity section in store. If you’re able, you might be able to find something similar? That’s the extent of my maternity knowledge.

      1. Double A*

        I went to look at maternity clothes at Target and ALL the pants we’re ripped jeans! Like just because I’m pregnant I get to be a beach bum with no job? The only maternity thing I really truly need are work appropriate pants. I’ll just wear leggings and sweats when I don’t need work pants.

        Old Navy also has maternity stuff but it’s online only, which is annoying because I truly have no idea how this stuff will fit. The whole point is my body is massively changing.

    2. Elf*

      I’ve been buying maternity clothes recently. I had an advantage, because I had a giant box from my same-size (on top) cousin (not my best colors, but WGAF). However, none of her pants fit me (too short). I had good luck with ThredUp for it, because maternity clothes are designed to be a bit forgiving around precise fit, and some of the older styles are way better constructed than what’s in the stores today. Definitely a bit hit-or-miss, but I spent less overall than if I’d tried to get just the best pieces new in stores. I kept it all, because one thing people won’t tell you is that the things that fit well when you first start to need maternity clothes will not necessarily fit well at the end, and vice versa. I got 4-5 pairs of pants, a couple of shirts and a few dresses for about $75 (which was just enough for free shipping. That was with the first-time-buyer 40% off coupon.

    3. Lorlye*

      Motherhood maternity clothes worked great for me. The store had laid back clothes, dressy stuff, cute dresses, things I was comfortable wearing in a professional setting. Don’t know how widespread the chain is though. And honestly, I’d buy their tank tops even now, 2 years later. It was nice to have some that didn’t ride way up!

  4. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    Super excited! My best friend is coming out for the weekend. We don’t get to see each other often (maaaaaybe once a month, if we’re lucky). No huge plans….watch movies, eat junk food, drink. But it’ll be nice to just sit and catch up.

    Anyone else up to much?

    1. Dopameanie*

      With your username, you might appreciate this: I’m taking my kindergartener to a Princess Ball. It’s a fundraiser for a REALLY good local cause. You get to rub elbows with all the Disney royalty, there’s carriage rides, a dinner, a ballroom decorated like a castle, crafts, etc. we got her Princess Dress last week, VERY exciting stuff.

      2. WellRed*

        On the way to the Cape for long weekend. Hanging at South Station right now with some sketchy looking dudes probably headed to Hyannis.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      That sounds like an awesome weekend!

      I’m trying to muster up the energy to do some spring cleaning.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I’m not either and I have sooooo much stuff. It’s ridiculous. I’m actually considering renting a dumpster for a few days and just tossing a bunch.

    3. Laura H*

      Not much on my end. Hoping to get something posted for my fics (it’s been ages and I do like getting reviews.) But the plot bunnies have hibernated on me and computer is being a bit ornery…

      Also preliminary packing for my church retreat next weekend. String of days off from my (only) part time retail job this week gave me time to do my laundry and now I just gotta pack it.

      And a shift on Sunday afternoon- should be a good weekend though! Enjoy your time with your friend.

    4. Parenthetically*

      We are BABYPROOFING because my kid is finally showing some interest in crawling! And hoo boy our lives are about to get way more interesting and our house much cleaner, I think.

      Apart from that, just our normal weekend things — laundry, sports watching, grocery shopping, hanging out at home, etc.

    5. Stacy*

      My roommate has a 3 year old. It’s his weekend to be with his dad, so that should translate to extra quiet time for me with Netflix and junk food as well. Oh, and doing my taxes because I somehow just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Seems like I get to it either as soon as humanly possible in January, or totally at the last minute in April, which I guess balance each other out. So that should be fun!

      Any good Netflix/Amazon Prime/Hulu suggestions out there? I’ve somehow managed to burn my way through my watch lists recently, so I barely know what to do with myself. I might actually need to get outside and exercise or something ridiculous like that!

      2. NB*

        I love docuseries. I liked these three on Netflix: The Keepers (disturbing, but fascinating); Trump, an American Dream; and The Royal House of Windsor.

        I also loved The Crown.

        Do you like stand-up comedy? There’s lots available. I like Jim Gaffigan, Brian Regan, and Kathleen Madigan.

        1. Stacy*

          Totally love The Crown, and enjoyed the Royal House of Windsor because of it. I am so excited to see what Olivia Colman is going to bring to it in series 3. She is so fantastic!

          Couldn’t get into The Keepers. I usually don’t mind disturbing or dark, but I just couldn’t do that one.

          I think I’m current on Jim Gaffigan and Kathleen Madigan (who can do no wrong, as far as I’m concerned), but I might need to branch out to other comics. That could actually be a really good choice since I’m currently burning through Homeland and will likely need to unwind once I get all caught up!

    6. Ktelzbeth*

      We’re getting nailed by a blizzard. Lots of the city is shut down. I have to go into work (but will walk the couple of blocks rather than risk the roads) but otherwise my plan is a lot of lying on the couch today.

    7. Red Reader*

      Last week my kitchen cabinets were all pulled out. I got back from a work trip on Thursday night and this weekend we’re painting my kitchen (Dutch Boy’s “Peacock Teal”), in preparation for my new cabinets to go in. White trim and cabinets, orange accents, should look really snazzy with the teal. I’m super excited. On a painting break right now while we wait for lunch delivery, should be able to get at least two coats done today so if we need a third that can be done tomorrow :)

      (Because I also have a presentation I have to pull out of my butt for class on Monday evening. :P )

    8. Nicole76*

      Sounds like fun!

      We had a game night planned with friends this evening but it got cancelled because they couldn’t get a babysitter. I’m bummed because I love board games and don’t get the opportunity to play our extensive collection too often. With the crappy cold/rainy weather expected the entire weekend there’s nothing to do outside and it even makes me hesitant to go out at all. :(

    9. The Other Dawn*

      As I’m typing this, my female orange tabby cat is sitting on my desk staring at me and I just realized she has food all over the whiskers above her eyes. She’s a real pig when she eats. Can’t help but laugh at her. But anyway…

      My friend wants me to go to a bar with her tonight to see two cover bands and I kinda dread it. Bars aren’t my thing and I’m a real homebody, but I’ll go since I don’t usually get a whole lot and I especially don’t get out with her much. But the first band doesn’t go onstage until 9:30 pm. UGH. When I heard that all I could think is how wrecked I’ll be tomorrow, because I’m normally in bed around 10 pm and then I read on my phone for a half hour or so. And then I saw that all the seats are hardwood, which will be murder on my bad back. I can stand, but standing bugs me after a while, too. We agreed to drive separately since her BF is going and can drive her home, and then I can leave whenever I’ve had enough. When did I get so old??

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’m thinking I’m going to have a cut-off time in my mind. Probably midnight-ish. That way I went and hung out, and should still be functional tomorrow.

    10. Roja*

      That sounds fun! I’m visiting my best friend for a few days too, except we only see each other once a year. It’s nice to have in-person hugs instead of e-hugs!

    12. PhyllisB*

      Treated two friends to a movie and lunch for a Birthday celebration. Then went for coffee afterwards. It was so nice to have some “girl time” The movie was amazing, too. We went to see I Can Only Imagine. If you are Christian or have an interest in matters of faith, you will LOVE this movie. If you work with youth at your church, you need to take them to see this. I wouldn’t take little ones (eight and below) because there are a couple of scenes that deal with abuse. Brief, but still………..but older kids will love it.

  5. All the Single Lady*

    Trigger warning: eating disorders

    I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for the past couple years, and thought I was doing ok until an injury meant I needed to take some time off of excercising. In the past, therapy has really helped and I have an appointment to see a new therapist in a couple weeks (I moved to a new town somewhat recently).

    Any tips for figuring out if a therapist is a good match? Any suggestions for online forums for people in recovery from eating disorders? Thanks!

    1. Bazinga*

      I’m sorry, I don’t have any. I just wanted to say I hope you can find the help you need.

    2. Wendy Darling*

      It took me like five tries to find a therapist who was a great match for me. I have a nasty anxiety disorder, so not an eating disorder but I feel like they’re in vaguely the same family tbh.

      I honestly don’t have a lot of tips except for this: The therapists I LIKED were not a good match for me, because in order for a therapist to be effective with me they need to make me do things that make me uncomfortable so I don’t want to do them, and that makes me uncomfortable with THEM. The therapist who ended up doing the most for me — so much that I am no longer in therapy because I no longer need it for the time being — made me mildly uncomfortable for a long time because she pushed me and held me accountable. I eventually warmed to her but I usually left her office feeling like I’d just had the emotional equivalent of a somewhat rough dental cleaning, because that was how it felt to actually do the work I needed to do.

      So I guess my advice is to lean in to your discomfort and try to determine if you’re just uncomfortable because the therapist is doing their job effectively.

      Internet fist-bumps and hang in there, we’re all rooting for you.

    3. Kj*

      What type of therapy worked for you in the past? What have you liked about other therapists? I tend to like therapists who are older, relational and let me have lots of quiet space with my feeling. Think of the first session as a mutual interview- ask how your therapist would handle certain situations if that is a concern, ask how they think about and approach eating disorders.

      And lots of sympathy- I have an ED history and am pregnant and so am facing all the body changes and weirdness that goes with that. I am so happy to be having a child, but also can’t stop my jerk brain from criticizing my body.

    4. Indoor Cat*

      Re: online forums for ED recovery–

      I’m a huge, huge fan of Kati Morton, a professional therapist who specializes in eating disorders, anxiety disorders, and Borderline Personality disorders. She has a YouTube channel, tumblr, instagram, facebook, twitter, and her own site with free workbooks. All her posts and videos are very positive and recovery-oriented. She even has a video on choosing a therapist and interviewing therapists over the phone.

      Her fans are called “kinions,” and they have a forum on her website, as well as encouraging one another in her facebook group and on other social media. They’re moderated so nobody posts “thinspo”-type posts or fat-shaming posts, only pro-recovery things. Hope this helps! I’ve found the community very welcoming, though my mental illness is not an ED.

      1. Tales from the pillow fort*

        I found a therapist a couple years ago who I love, and I understand it’s easier said than done to find one because it’s a special relationship that truly needs the right fit. I went on an American association of psychologists website (or something like this) and input my zip code, I could select which issues/topics I most wanted to address and then a search results would come up. I had then read all the profiles and came up with an initial list. I called the ones that seemed like a good fit (and not too far or difficult for me to get to) then from the calls, I paid for my first appointments, by the third one I found someone who was perfect. This is because she got right to the root of my issues, very quickly she understood what they were and were to go. The others didn’t we talked about other things. I also asked her style, beliefs, how she works. If you find in a handful of sessions it’s not clicking then move on, even though it’s tough and emotionally draining to start over. It took me a long time even to face getting started on the process. Best of luck!

  6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    I’ve been in such a slump with books lately. One bad book after another that I can’t get through.

    Part of the problem is that I’m so picky. I don’t like historical fiction, crime stories, melodramatic stories set in foreign countries… and that’s pretty much all that my library’s New Books section ever seems to get. I’m also not a huge science fiction person–I’m just not smart enough to get it.

    While I love that Alison does book recommendations every week… all of them are too serious for my personal taste! I tend to like lighthearted books about real people in everyday lives (think Tom Perrotta or Rainbow Rowell). I also really get into nonfiction books about my three major interests – music, baseball and running. Given those very limiting parameters… does anyone have any book recommendations for me? :-)

    1. Elkay*

      Tales From Out There: The Barkley Marathons, The World’s Toughest Trail Race is on my list because I’m fascinated by The Barkley Marathon, or maybe Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods (not quite running but outdoors/endurance).

      For the lighthearted stories about real people Sandi Toksvig’s The Gladys Society is a fun non-fiction read, she travels to the US to reunite with people she was in a high school play with.

      1. Relyan*

        If you like outdoor/endurance books, you should check out The Journey In Between and The Last Englishman, both by Keith Foskett. He’s written several books about his long distance hikes. The Journey In Between is about a 1,000 mike hike on the El Camino in France and Spain. The Last Englishman is about his 2,000 mile hike on the Pacific Crest Trail, from Mexico to Canada. All are great reads.

        And A Walk in the Woods is hilarious; you’ll enjoy that one.

    2. nep*

      This might be way out of the range of things you like — but are you familiar with Drew Magary’s Someone Could Get Hurt?
      I’ve not read the whole thing — just picked it up at a used book sale at work and read the first 30 pages or so. Laughed quite a bit. I think especially good if one has kids; but I don’t and I still really got a kick out of it.
      Another — Have you read The Elegance of the Hedgehog?

      1. Alucius*

        Margary’s book is hilarious. I had a number of “yep, been there” moments throughout it. Be warned, the last chapter is heartwrenching.

        1. nep*

          My initial thought when I read your post was: Thanks for the warning — I’m not going there. (I had set the book aside a while back, not planning to read it unless perhaps after a few others I’ve got on deck.)
          But I just picked it up and read the last chapter. Decided to just go there. Glad I did.
          Won’t put any spoilers here in case anyone plans to read it.
          In any case, I really enjoy how he writes.

    3. Alucius*

      Hmm, a few baseball books I’ve enjoyed semi-recently are:

      Smart Baseball — Keith Law. Snarky ESPN columnist takes a sledgehammer to some of baseball’s sacred cows (bunting, RBIs, the save, etc)
      The Only Rule is it has to Work — Sam Miller and Ben Lindbergh. Two guys from Baseball Prospectus get a chance to actually run a minor league team for a year.
      Living on the Black and Where Nobody Knows Your Name — John Feinstein. The first one chronicles a season in the life of two mlb pitchers (Mussina and Glavine, I think), while the second chronicles a year in the life of a bunch of mostly no-name minor leaguers.
      Bullpen Gospels — Dirk Hayhurst. Genuine, insightful reflection on life in the minors from a guy who faced a bunch of his own demons and briefly made the majors. It’s much better than your typical baseball biography.
      Baseball Life Advice — Stacey May Fowles. She uses her love of baseball to explore any number of broader issues including her own psychological struggles, the perils of daring to be a female sports fan, and some more light-hearted and humourous stuff. Lots of fun.

      Anyway, I hope that helps!

      1. Sarah*

        I just read Allison’s recommendation Eleanor Oliphant is Perfectly Fine and loved it. There are definitely some serious bits, but it was also really funny. If you like Rainbow Rowell, I think you’d like this.

        Also, do you use Goodreads? It might be worth looking up reviewers who liked books you like and see what else they recommend.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I read both Feinstein books and thought they were terrific. Looking forward to trying the others!

    4. Dame Judi Brunch*

      Hi, I’ve enjoyed “9 Innings, the Anatomy of a Baseball Game” by Daniel Okrent. It details a 1982 Milwaukee Brewers game, and all the behind-the-scenes trades, drama, etc leading up to that game. It wasn’t a dry read and it was pretty interesting.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        As a lifelong Brewers fan, I may need to read this. The ’82 team is the only team that ever mattered… *wipes a tear*

        1. Dame Judi Brunch*

          I feel the same way! Some day it will be our turn. Til then, we have our Harvey’s Wallbangers.

    5. Lilo*

      I assumed you’ve read Wait Til Next Year if you like baseball. If not, I’d check that out.

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Ball Four and Moneyball were great reads. I can’t remember if Moneyball was math-heavy, but I do remember there was some great storytelling that I think could overcome any amount of math. :) Anyone read it recently and have an opinion?

      1. Alucius*

        I worked in a bookstore when Moneyball came out. A customer had special ordered it and while we were waiting for them to come and pick it up, I uh, read the whole thing during a slow shift. I can’t remember how math-y it gets, but Michael Lewis is a pretty compelling writer so what math there was didn’t slow me down. It would be fascinating to re-read it now and see how the players that were highly touted there actually did.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I read Moneyball and thought it was terrific. Thank you! And I don’t remember the math being all that much of a thing in the book.

    7. Maya Elena*

      My mom has similar tastes to yours, and really liked Alexander McCall Smith’s books, e.g. “The Number One Ladies’ Detective Agency”. Also, “Skipping Christmas” by John Grisham (the book behind “Christmas With the Cranks”). “A Young Doctor’s Notebook” by Mikhail Bulgakov might also suit your tastes – (far superior to and much lighter than the BBC series) I’m sure you can find it for free online.

      Richard Feynman’s excellent “Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman?” and “What Do You Care What Other People Think?” are top-notch non-fiction.

        1. WellRed*

          Grisham has several lighthearted books including playing for pizza (football tho) but pretty sure he has a baseball one, maybe Painted House?

      3. Akcipitrokulo*

        The Alexander McCall Smith books set in Edinburgh… Isobel Dalhousie and Scotland Street series especially… are great!

      4. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Oh, definitely second anything by Dick Feynman. He’s a great storyteller and character, I’ve reread “Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman!” dozens of times since it came out. Also, not quite the same but another very gripping first-person story is Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aron Ralston (127 Hours was based on it).

    9. Thlayli*

      “Light hearted books about real people in everyday lives” – when I’m in the mood for that I tend to go for “chick lit”. Stuff like the shopaholic series. It’s real “switch your brain off” stuff but very funny and engagingly written.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thank you! TNT recently canceled the series. It bothered me as a librarian, but my wife loved it, and I’ll admit it was a clever show.

        1. Bibliovore*

          My favorite part of the show was that no matter how absurd the situation was or place the characters weren’t supposed to be in they would orocksim, we are the librarians, and that woukd make it all okay.

    11. Cruciatus*

      On the baseball front, I bought my dad “The Pitch that Killed: The Story of Carl Mays, Ray Chapman, and the Pennant Race of 1920”. Out of the millions of pitches that have been thrown, only one of them has killed a man. The book investigates the incident and looks into the backgrounds of the players involved. My dad liked it and a quick amazon search shows it’s pretty well reviewed (well, out of 70 reviewers).

    12. Unmemorable Username*

      I am a giant Rainbow Rowell fan too! I always recommend Elinor Lipman’s The Inn at Lake Devine for somewhat escapist smart fiction. It’s a coming of age story/romance and just totally delightful. I’ve read most of her other novels and they have their moments, but the shtick gets a bit repetitive and none of her other characters are as compelling to me.

      I also love Nick Hornby’s novels About a Boy and High Fidelity (both were made into movies that were almost as good) and his book of essays Songbook is about (pop) music.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Hornby is terrific. Oddly I really enjoyed High Fidelity the book, but did not like the movie at all.

    13. Pieforbreakfast*

      I just read “Goodbye, Vitamin” by Rachel Kong while on a beach vacation. Easy, funny read about a woman dealing with a family member with Alzheimer’s. So yes, serious issue but approached with humor.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      Tepper Isn’t Going Out by Calvin Trillin. About a man reading the newspaper in his car.

    15. NB*

      Have you already read Bill Bryson’s One Summer? It’s a fairly light treatment of the summer of 1927. One of the primary threads is Babe Ruth, so . . . baseball.

      Did you like Where’d You Go, Bernadette?

    16. Overeducated*

      I’m reading Schadenfreude by Rebecca Schuman (from my library’s new book shelf!) and it is a lighthearted book about her experiences as a student of German. Very self deprecating humor. It is a nice break from my recent fare of climate change nonfiction and dystopian sci fi….

    17. Lcsa99*

      If you haven’t read The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon by Stephen King you should give it a shot. It isn’t his normal stuff and it’s well written.

      The Birds and Other Stories by Daphne du Maurier might be worth a shot. I read it mostly for The Birds, but the other stories were definitely interesting, character driven stories.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon was great! And I’ll check out du Maurier.

      2. valentine*

        The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon uses Tom Gordon as racist tropes. Stephen King neither warned nor asked him about using him this way. I can’t think of an African American character in a Stephen King book that doesn’t fit the same tropes, with Bag of Bones being the worst.

    18. Bazinga*

      For a kind of easy read fun series, how about the Spenser series by Robert B Parker? I love them. The characters and their lives carry from one book to the next so as you get Into the series the characters really develop.

      1. aarti*

        Agreed!

        Also Robert B Parker wrote one book about baseball (Double Play) and the protagonist of his Jesse Stone novels was a minor league baseball player before he became a police officer.

    19. Aphrodite*

      Oh, oh, oh, do I have a running book for you: Bunion Derby by Kastner. It’s the story of the inaugural Trans-American Footrace, which took place in 1928 starting in Los Angeles and finishing in New York City for a distance of 3,423.5 miles. The range of runners who entered, most of them non-runners but desperate to earn the huge prize money, are fascinating. I wouldn’t call it lighthearted because it is history but it is history at its best and most compelling.

    20. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Thanks so much to everyone for the suggestions! I never expected to see too many to respond to individually. So many books to add to my holds list :-)

    21. Mephyle*

      “Light hearted books about real people in everyday lives”: I think the books of D. S. Stevenson fit the bill precisely. They were contemporary when they were written (England and Scotland settings, 1930s to early 60s.)

    22. Totally Minnie*

      How do you feel about Romance? Kristan Higgins is my go-to for stories with well written characters dealing with real life issues.

    23. Forking Great Username*

      Absolutely love Rainbow Rowell! I’m with you on preferring less serious booksmost of the time. I really like Emily Giffin, and would especially recommend Where We Belong, Babyproof, and Something Borrowed. Also Jennifer Weiner, particularly The Next Best Thing and Then Came You.

    24. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Ooh, I have suggestions!

      Baseball nonfiction: The Only Rule Is It Has To Work. Two stats guys take over a minor league baseball team to put their theories into practice. SO fun.

      Baseball fiction, which you didn’t ask for but whatever: The Art of Fielding; The Brothers K. Not light but so beautiful about baseball. There’s a passage in The Brothers K about the strike zone that ranks among the best poetry I’ve ever read, and The Art of Fielding includes a lot of philosophizing about the beauty of fielding.

      Lighthearted in general:

      Where’d You Go, Bernadette? (one of the only books I’ve ever laughed out loud at)

      Horse Heaven (written from the perspective of several characters around the racetrack, including several horses)

      Gods Behaving Badly (Greek gods still live among us in London, but their power is diminished because few people believe in them; they engage in various shenanigans)

      The Nix (was well on its way to being a 5-star book for me but then engaged in an annoying trope in the last chapter, but still one of my favorites from last year);

    25. Windchime*

      How about some oldies-but-goodies? Over the years, I have loved the books by James Herriot. He writes about being a veterinarian in Yorkshire in the 1930’s and 1940’s. The stories are heartwarming and funny and very lighthearted. There are four of them, beginning with “All Creatures Great and Small”. I’ve read them all probably a dozen times and they still make me laugh.

    26. Amity*

      Check out Wendy Webb. She’s written some great gothic romances that I’ve loved. She only has 4 books out now, but the 5th one is scheduled for release November 1st.

    27. Baseball Fan & Reader*

      I haven’t read it yet, but just added “Safe at Home: Confessions of a Baseball Fan” by Alyssa Milano to my “to-read” list. She’s a huge sports fan, and the book is about her growing up watching baseball with her dad. Seems lighthearted and fun.

    28. Pam*

      While you say not usually SF, I will make a couple of those suggestions- In Other Lands, by Sarah Rees Brennan. What happens when the snarky obnoxious kid goes to Narnia? Also, Space Opera, by Catherine Valente- it’s Eurovision in Space

      For not SF, Find the Good, by Heather Lende- essays, and for fun reads, books by Mary Lasswell, best known for the Suds in your Eye series. (Older ladies in San Diego drink beer, help others, and generally live the good life,)

    29. Alexa*

      I loved Carrie Brownstein’s memoir, “Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl.” It’s about her time in Sleater Kinney and it’s the book that got me to start reading again after years of being unable to get through anything.

    31. Indoor Cat*

      Space Opera by Catherynne M Valente. It’s about Eurovision– In Space! Aliens agreed to compete in an intergalactic singing and talent show for resources rather than have any more wars, and humans have just gotten roped into it for the first time.

      It’s hilarious. It helps if you love David Bowie- type music or Douglas Adams- style wry observations, but even if you don’t, it’s still fantastic. The two protagonists are wonderful, goofy, surprisingly complex characters. There are puns that go by so fast you’ll miss them if you blink. There’s a sentient zombie virus. There’s a time-travelling hyperactive red panda who thinks Yoko Ono is the best human musician, a planet whose air is 1% aerosolized cocaine, and a bizarre, and bizarrely-sweet m-preg subplot. I haven’t laughed this hard at a book in over a year, I think. I also cried.

      I just finished it four hours ago and I really want to hand copies to everyone now.

      1. Indoor Cat*

        Ach, I misread what you wrote, sorry >.<

        You've got a lot of other good recommendations though!

    32. Lindsay J*

      For baseball books I enjoyed “All My Octobers”, which was a Mickey Mantle autobiography.

  7. U. Peiris*

    Would love for any other fellow bloggers to share their writing schedules. I don’t know why, but I’m so interested in writing schedules! As for me, I wake up really early in the morning (at like 4 a.m.) and write. And write and write while I’m on that caffeine high. So far it’s been amazing.

    Also, a meta-question: I wonder how Alison manages to update this website with quality content but also do it consistently. Like, is some of the content planned in advance? How many words does she write a day? If anyone has any insight, please spill!

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I know that Alison schedules posts. Not sure how far in advance she writes them, but when I’ve had letters answered, I’ve gotten an email the night before with the url.

    2. AngelicGamer, aka the Visually Impaired Peep*

      Well, for my blog, I write whenever inspiration hits. It sometimes means that my blog sits empty but it’s kind of the last thing on my writing to-do list. For everything else writing, I try to write mid morning or mid afternoon. So either just after breakfast or lunch because I really don’t do mornings. I’m more of a night owl but that doesn’t mean I want to be writing late at night. Now, I have, when a scene has gotten me in it’s grips and I need to finish it now, but otherwise, mid-morning or mid-afternoon.

      Hope that helps! :)

      1. U. Peiris*

        Yes that helps! That’s so interesting. After meals is probably the worst time for me to write (especially lunchtime when I get drowsy).

    3. Tiny Crankypants*

      I write after work in the late hours, around 11pm to 1am. It is not good for my health, but I am passionate about it. Sometimes, I find a day off to do it. I schedule a post once a week.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I write nearly all the content for the week on Mondays, except for the short-answer posts, which I write throughout the week. That leaves me the rest of the week for other work.

      1. U. Peiris*

        Thanks for the response Alison. That’s so interesting! I’ve always been curious about how the full-time professional bloggers do it.

    5. Turtlewings*

      I’m in the happy position of being able to write throughout the day, in between other things, so I work with an hourly word count of 100-200 words, depending on my goals and what else I have going on. I’m sure that kind of pick-it-up-put-it-down wouldn’t work for everyone, but I have trouble focusing for too long at a time anyway. It’s been working really well for me.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve been struggling with wanting to write on my blog lately. But when inspiration hits and I have time, I’ll write up several posts and then schedule them. Also, I start draft posts and leave them there until I feel like finishing them. Or I’ll upload pictures of products I’ve tried into a new post and leave it there until I want to do the writing. Kind of like a placeholder. My blog isn’t really anything in particular, but tends to be about me, weight loss surgery, products and recipes I’ve tried, my cats, stuff like that. I don’t really target an audience or look to get my readership up. I just write what I feel like writing, which tends to help me be a little more consistent.

  8. Blake A*

    Has anyone moved to a different country by themselves? How was the experience like?

    I’m moving to Scotland in the next few days and I’m getting serious anxiety over having to deal with making new friends, finding a job, finding accomodation and doing a bunch of paperwork that seems impossible to do as a foreigner. Opening a bank account requires proof of address (utility bill, rental contract, bank statement to that address…none of which I have, since I’ll be staying at an Airbnb), renting requires a bank account, getting a job requires both a bank account and proof of address, even getting a national insurance number requires proof of address. I’m completely freaking out.

    1. Mananana*

      Will your rental agreement with Airbnb work? Because, after all, it IS a lease. Just not a typical one. And will you be getting a cell phone acct there? That should count as a utility.

      1. Blake A*

        I’m getting a pre-paid SIM card, so I don’t think it will be of much use. I’ve read elsewhere that Airbnb is not acceptable for setting up a bank account, they want a utility bill or a formal rental agreement or bank statement from a UK bank :/ I’ll try anyway, but I’m not very hopeful. How do people even do this?

        1. Birch*

          The job should not require a UK bank account and proof of address, just proof that you’re legally able to work in the UK! You can explain to them that you’ve just moved there. With the job, then you can get a place to live (I dunno how it is everywhere but I’ve been asked about my employment when finding a flat).

      2. SebbyGrrl*

        Hello Mananana,

        I just started research for my time in Scotland – does one get a UK carrier and switch out sim card, let’s me keep my US phone #?

        Recent survey says TESCO is best overall.

        Do you agree? Good coverage in remote-ish places? Is it better in England but not so much Scotland?

        1. misspiggy*

          Tesco should be fine. Coverage has got so much better from all the major networks recently, but you never know about the particular places you’ll be. You might as well try a month to month contract first and then if the coverage is OK choose a longer contract if you want one.

    2. nep*

      My take: It’s nerve-wracking and scary, completely doable, and worth the experience. There will be ups, downs, frustrations, big and small triumphs, you’ll pull a few hairs out. And in the end you’ll have pulled it off and you’ll be riding a great wave.
      Excited for you.
      All the best and we’ll want to hear how it’s going.

    3. Chocolate Teapot*

      I was lucky, in that I moved overseas to take up a job, so I had an employment contract. In my case, the bank set up my account using the contract to guarantee there would be money coming in.

      However, it is true that there are lots of thing to do when you arrive in a place. In my case (Northern Europe) I had to register with the town hall to get my ID card, find somewhere to live, I paid to use an estate agent, which was more expensive, but then they produced the rental contract and were able to advise on suitable affordable areas. But then there are all the things you might not think about to begin with. For example, public transport passes, and home insurance. Where is the nearest GP? Dentist? Gym?

      When you relocate on your own, it can be tricky. I found I was an object of curiousity, since I hadn’t relocated for husband/boyfriend’s job, I wasn’t working in a specific industry, and I didn’t have any children, so I didn’t fall into any identifiable category. Joining activity groups seemed to help.

      Still, it all came together, and I am quite happy living where I do!

    4. TL -*

      You’re not the first person to have moved to Scotland – there will be systems in place to address situations like yours. Talk to the bank and to the rental agency and any potential job offers (though probably you’ll get this all figured out before that) and ask what they can do once you’re there in person.

      Also, for some things a foreign bank account or foreign address on a bank account will be acceptable. Good luck!

      1. Blake A*

        Thank you! Yeah I keep telling myself that it CAN’T be impossible, because plenty of people have done it before.

    5. Akcipitrokulo*

      Where in Scotland?

      You may be able to talk to airbnb bod about making you a long-term tenant/lodger which could help with proof of address?

      1. Blake A*

        Edinburgh :) That part I’m really looking forward to, I love the city. I’m willing to move to Glasgow if I happen to get a job there, though.

        1. Akcipitrokulo*

          I have a preference for Glasgow ;) but Edinburgh is also pretty awesome. If you visit Glasgow, check out tchai ovna … brilliant teahouse with lots of events on.

          1. Blake A*

            I have never been to Glasgow, I definitely want to visit!! I’ll check out the teahouse, thanks!!

        2. VIT (Scotland)*

          Edinburgh’s beautiful and I always thought I’d move there but I’m with Akcipitrokulo – I ended up in Glasgow instead and it is a really wonderful city to live in! Even the accents aren’t too bad once you get used to them.

          You’re probably already doing this but Rightmove is a good place to look for flats to rent. I got lucky in that I came over as a student and found a shared room from a private landlord who was happy with me paying my first few months in one wire transfer from my US account before my UK one was set up. It’s a long shot but might be worth asking landlords if they’d let you do that?

          I’m trying to think of other helpful advice because I did do all this fairly recently but honestly it’s hard to remember! If you think of any specific questions, I’m happy to try and help answer them! Scotland is wonderful and I hope you love it here.

    6. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      In England now after having previously moved to Asia (originally from the US). Not sure just how similar things are in Scotland versus England, but bring lots of cash. I had so. much. trouble. paying for things (in the sense that people wouldn’t accept any method of payment I had available, not that I couldn’t afford it). I had to eat an apartment deposit because the first property management company would only accept a bank transfer and my American banks don’t do international bank transfers. You probably don’t have time to do this (and I’m not sure if you’re planning to keep any bank accounts in your home country open), but I have a (US) international ATM fee-free debit card (no fee for the currency exchange and I get reimbursed for ATM fees) that’s been a lifesaver.

      1. Blake A*

        Yeah, from what I’m seeing from the comments is that I have to expect to not get everything sorted out for a while, unfortunately. I’m hoping somehow everything will work out, but it’s scary!

      2. Mephyle*

        American banks don’t do international bank transfers? I’ve received payments from U.S. clients by bank transfer. Not often, not easy, but it was possible.

        1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

          My specific banks don’t do them–or rather, one doesn’t and one would have needed me to go to one of their branches in person (which, uh, not possible because I was already here).

    7. Thlayli*

      I moved to England before and yes it’s a ridiculous amount of hassle. I’m assuming you’re moving from an EU or commonwealth country, since you don’t mention needing a visa. I was able to find a place to stay before I had my national insurance number. Many landlords will understand that you haven’t got one yet. If you are planning on staying in the Airbnb for a while you can use that address to set up an appointment and you will have a letter proving you have an appointment for the National insurance. Definitely keep a bank account open from your home country because it all takes so long! It probably took me 2 months before I had the bank account and national insurance number all properly sorted. And I had a job before I went!

      If you’re in the EU and have an EU account you should have no major problem getting money from an atm or using your debit card. Everywhere takes visa, most places take MasterCard. Cash is used more widely than in other countries where I used to love, but that’s probably region dependent.

      A great source of advice is the citizens advice bureau – the website is really really good and they have drop in centres in all major towns but in some places they have a big waiting list for an appointment.

      If you don’t have a credit card, see if you can get one.

      Also accept the fact that until you get your U.K. Bank account set up you are going to get ripped off on exchange rates big time.

      1. Blake A*

        Thank you for the advice! I’m moving from South America, but I have EU nationality as well, so I don’t need a visa. However, I don’t have bank accounts set up in Europe of anything like that, like most europeans would have.

        I will ask my Airbnb host if she will let me use his address for the NI application.
        Can’t believe it took you almost 2 months! :(

        I hadn’t heard about the citizens advice bureau, I’ll definitely check it out.

        1. Squirrels*

          Had so much trouble here as I wanted to open a bank account but as an automatically pair had no proof of address (and mobile number doesn’t count) BUT HSBC actually accept foreign addresses so if your address on ID and passport match, one can be your ID and one your proof of address! That’s how I sorted it personally. Hope it helps!

          Also yes do check citizens advice bureau and expat orgs in the UK, they’ll have loads of info!

        2. only acting normal*

          Depending how long you intended to live here, keep a very close eye on visa issues related to “Brexit” – Britain is in the process of leaving the EU. :’(
          You’re fine at the moment, and EU citizens /should/ keep their rights to remain under reciprocal agreements. However, in general, England is becoming increasingly difficult for non-brits to stay in (NB driven by government policy rather than the people) and after “Brexit” is finalised that /might/ extend to EU citizens. My EU friends resident here are stressed about it, and keep a close check on the situation.
          Scotland may be more officially hospitable though (as a region they voted to stay in the EU, but are being dragged along by central government – the whole issue actually risks splitting the UK up).

          Good luck with your move though, Edinburgh should be brilliant. :)

    9. Keener*

      I’ve moved to New Zealand and Denmark so I no specific advice on the logistics of Scotland. In terms of meeting people I found meetup.com really useful but not sure how active it is in Scotland. Good luck and embrace the adventure.

    10. Birch*

      Welcome to the UK! Just curious, how did you decide to move to another country without a job already set up?

      I’ve just moved back to England for the 2nd time by myself and the runaround is REAL. Just keep asking questions and making small steps. Focus on the job and housing. Once you have those things, the rest will fall into place. You’re lucky you don’t need to deal with the visa–I just waited nearly 4 months for it and very nearly lost my job and had to self-deport (was not living in my country of origin). Everyone else has already given the advice I was going to give, so I’ll just say best of luck–things will be ok and the experience is totally worth it! Also, invest in some good blankets, scarves, cardigans, a pair of wellies, and possibly an electric blanket or hot water bottle. Homes in the UK are not renovated or insulated as they should be, so everything is CONSTANTLY damp and cold. It takes a huge toll on your emotional wellbeing to feel cold and uncomfortable all the time, so remember to take good care of yourself!

      1. misspiggy*

        …and a light rain jacket! Umbrellas often don’t work because of the wind. Mountain Warehouse is a good generic place to start.

    11. SebbyGrrl*

      Hello Blake,

      I was coming to the forum today to ask similar questions.

      I leave Jue 2 for 6 months in Scotland, 3 EU (primarily Ireland maybe some jaunts to the continent.

      Is the pre-paid SIM car how you keep your phone and number to use a UK carrier, but don’t pay international fees?

      Can any other UK-ers help me with that?

      Because of the duration of my stay, and when using debit or credit for POS one can still be charged an international conversion fee I was looking at having a UK bank account while there.

      It doesn’t seem possible from the research I’ve done.

      Does anyone know – can I open an HSBC account in
      the states and then ‘convert’ it to UK?

      2. PX*

        I dont think converting a bank account is possible, but what you could try and do is see if you can get a card with good rates on international banking (as katamia posted above, a card which lets you do fee free ATMs or doesnt charge foreign transaction fees) is going to serve you well

        1. SebbyGrrl*

          Thanks PX,

          I’ve done the first part.

          My US banks won’t charge for foreign atms (but those atms/bank CAN still charge me) and will reverse some fees charged by the UK bank.

          So it seems using the correct atms and then cash is best bet for no further fees.

          But we all know, ya get in some moment and there isn’t $/atm what have you when expected and one had to use US card, there can still be a 1% fee and over 9-12 months that can add up.

          I’m trying to plan for contingencies so I don’t have to account for those fees often.

          1. VIT (Scotland)*

            Replying to both your comments in one place – I agree that for short term it may not be worth it for you to open a bank account, just because it’s such a hassle – even making an appointment to open one can take a few weeks depending on where you are. Also not many HSBCs in Scotland, though that also depends on where you are.

            I don’t know anything about Tesco’s mobile plans but I’d check out 3 and EE, which have pretty cheap phone options and good coverage, at least I know 3 does. I can’t imagine a way in which you keep your US cell phone number since the country codes are different but if you have a smart phone and use facetime, whatsapp, etc that should all still work the same for you. I’d wander into a Carphone Warehouse when you get here and find someone to help you pick a sim card – though you may want to check with your US provider that your phone can be used overseas – I tried to use my UK iphone back in the states and even though my UK mobile provider unlocked it for me, it still didn’t work there because of some complicated international technical problem that Verizon couldn’t figure out and it was really frustrating.

    12. PX*

      Moved to England alone 2 years ago knowing no one here. Luckily I already had the job sorted, but some of the bureaucracy was ridiculous. If Scotland is anything like England, the biggest thing is going to be proof of address, which officially only counts if its a utility bill (gas/electricity/water/council tax), tenant agreement or certain types of letters from the government (eg Tax code). I had huge issues opening a bank account until I got the last one because they wouldnt accept anything else, so be prepared to keep using your home bank account for quite a while.
      The first thing you need to sort out is a national insurance number as you will need it once you’re employed. As soon as you are in the country, make an appointment to do so and that will help massively once you have it. Personally, I dont think the job requires proof of address or bank account really. Mine didnt (as I said, I was hired when still abroad) and as I didnt have my bank account sorted by the time my first paycheck was due, they simply transferred the money to my international account. So if you have a decent employer, they should be flexible on that.

      Look for rooms on spareroom.co.uk or gumtree.co.uk for private landlords/share houses. Be prepared to get ripped off by letting agents (at least thats the case in England!) and as someone else said, a formal rental agreement with an agency will usually require you to have a job first, so consider which way round you search for things. I actually found reddit a great resource for where to live, so consider checking out the Edinburgh reddit group (Im sure there is one).

      Otherwise good luck and enjoy the ride!

      1. Jennotype*

        INAL but Scotland has different laws on housing. It’s illegal for a letting agency to charge admin fees. It should be limited to holding fee (for the agent to take the job off the market) but this should be deducted from either the deposit or the first month of rent. Sometimes you can get credit check fees but these shouldn’t be more than £5 and are a bit of a grey area as far as I understand.

    13. Bagpuss*

      Could you get your current bank to wrote to you at your new address? A letter or statement from a bank should work as proof of address.
      I’m not sure whether it is the same in Scotland, but in England, employers now have a legal duty to make sure that employees have right to work in the UK, so they would need to see your passport, but shouldn’t normally need proof of address .
      You could also ask the bank what they will accept – if your Airbnb host is prepared to provide it, a letter from them confirming that you are renting from them may work.

    14. AcademiaNut*

      I’ve done it twice (US and Taiwan), but in both cases I was moving for a job.

      In the US I stayed with a friend, in Taiwan in a cheap hotel, while looking for a place to live. One option is to look for a place with roommates, as that tends to be a lot more flexible regarding ID, bank accounts and so on than signing a lease by yourself. Then, when you’re more settled and know the area, you can look for a place of your own.

      For phones, if you have an unlocked US smart phone (or an unlocked quad-band stupid phone), it should work with the local sim cards. If your phone is locked to a particular carrier, or is dual band, it won’t work.

      I’m not sure about the specifics of the UK, but would a bank account with an international bank, like Citibank or HSBC make things simpler?

    15. matcha123*

      I moved to Japan by myself over a decade ago. I started on the JET Program, and lucky for me, my city arranged my housing before I arrived and helped me set up a bank account, gas, etc.
      The first city I lived in had over a million people and I had a hard time making friends. Part of that was me…I didn’t go out much because I was trying to pay off my loans ASAP. The other part was that despite being a large city, it was very “local” and locals didn’t really try to open their friend circles to outsiders. I made better friends with other “outsiders”. I would suggest splitting time between meetup, where you could meet a variety of people and work friends who could hopefully introduce you to other people.

    16. misspiggy*

      One tip for the UK is to make sure you get any correspondence, contracts etc from utility providers/phone companies in hard copy with your current address on it, wherever possible. Very useful for getting the bank stuff set up later, loans, etc.

      You can use money transfer agencies while waiting for a bank account, like Western Union etc. It costs but there are plenty of them in Edinburgh.

      And in Scotland, get outside every chance you get, and take Vitamin D tablets every day. Your mood and muscles will thank you.

    17. Empty Sky*

      I did it for grad school (to the USA, which I had never even visited before). It was about equal parts exciting and terrifying. Approaching it in a spirit of optimism helps a great deal. The human brain is the most efficient problem solving device known to, well, humans. You’ll figure it out.

      Some suggestions: Connect with people who are going through the same experience (or have recently done so) and can offer advice and support. Also keep an open mind and watch what others around you do. Some things won’t be the way you expected, and there will be opportunities and new ways of doing things that you never thought of. Try to embrace the culture and form relationships within it, even if it is tough in the first year or so. Expat networks, clubs etc. can be a useful pressure valve, but try not to make them your primary social focus if you can avoid it.

    18. Sara Smile*

      I moved to the UK by myself. I have made another international move but with a partner. The thing I learned that was most important is that it doesn’t matter what the process for x was in your home country, the process will be y in new country and you have to go with the flow. It will often be harder (simply because it’s different) and if it is ever easier – celebrate.

      So some practicalities with the UK (and this is just my experience). First thing I did was get a UK PAYE mobile phone. Having a UK number was just practical; no one wanted to try to reach me on a US mobile. You can set this up with a passport, AirBnB address and a credit card. Second thing I did was secure housing. I alerted the estate agent I worked with that I would need to pay with a credit card or a US wire transfer (ended up using the credit card option) and that worked out fine. Third thing I did was change some of my US bills to my UK address (like my US credit card and US bank account) so it would count as proof of address. I was then able to immediately print off a bank statement with my new UK address.

      I already had a job so was able to get a “letter of introduction” to a UK bank. If you won’t have a job for a while then I would just try different banks and ask them opening an account without a job — with what I know about UK banks, most won’t let you open one, but you might get lucky. Have a back up plan with credit cards or your home country bank, until you can get a job. I personally found that getting a National Insurance number was low on my list of priorities. My job didn’t need it to hire me and I have the interview to get the number but it was weeks after I had been working (their backlog, not mine). I didn’t have a single problem not having it earlier and can’t imagine what would require you to have it earlier (not needed for banking, NHS, utilities, etc.).

      As far as friends, I made friends through work and then friends of friends. I made a rule that I would go to every single thing I was invited to, no exceptions. I also tried various meet up type groups. The best rule of thumb I can give is invite people to the pub. I started out by inviting people to things like the movies/cinema, and that came off as a little weird, but asking people to go to the pub for a pint is always a winner. The other thing that worked for me is that on the weekends, I would do something touristy — like visit Windsor Castle of Tower of London — things that my new acquaintances would have done on like a school field trip but that I had never experienced. I found that loads of people wanted to go with me for nostalgia reasons or because it was something they never ended up visiting but always wanted to. It was a huge hit and I always had someone wanting to go or wanting to know where I was going next (and we would always end the day at the pub of course!). It was a great way to explore but also make friends.

      Good luck OP! My husband is Scottish and I love it. Edinburgh is totally fabulous and I am a little jealous you are about to embark on this journey.

    19. Simon R*

      I moved from New Zealand to Sweden last year (August ’17) and it was a bit of a mission but I’m glad I did. FWIW, I moved without a job lined up (had some money saved) and it took me 3 months to find the right job, another month to start the job, then two months after that before I had all the tax/insurance/banking stuff completely sorted. (Sweden is notorious for making this difficult, though – most non-Nordic countries shouldn’t be anywhere that bad. Sweden requires non-Nordic EU citizens to have a permanent full-time job offer before you can register as a resident, for example.)

      First major piece of advice: find a reason to get out of the apartment. It’s very easy to spend all day cooped up inside (especially in Scotland because it rains all the damn time), but it’s very hard to make friends that way. If you have interests or hobbies, see if you can find a group near where you’re living to get involved with – and if not, maybe take something up.

      Also, to start the rent -> bank account -> bills -> payment loop, probably the easiest way to start is to rent an apartment on a short-term basis, which you should be able to do without a local bank account (although you may have to do an international money transfer to pay rent). Alternatively if you have local friends ask them if you can get mail sent to their address. (As other commenters have said – ask at the local bank, they’ll either know what to do or have advice on who to ask)

      Also – you’ll probably come close to losing your mind at some point (for me it was when the lift was out of service when I was moving out of my old apartment block, I landed up doing 80 flights of stairs that day), just roll with it and don’t sweat the petty things. As long as you have a roof over your head and food to eat, everything after that is bonus territory. :)

      PS: No matter what the weather looks like when you leave the airbnb you’re staying at, *always* take a rainjacket. Just trust me on this.

  9. Don't touch unknown plants (PSA)*

    Anybody have any stories of run in with weeds and plants that cause rashes? I’m just learning about some really terrible ones such as wild parsnips, queen anne’s lace (wild carrot), giant hogweed or other plants that cause burns, red itchy rash, weeping blisters when the plants juice and sunshine react on skin but the rash shows up a couple days later? My spouse’s leg looks like a weed caused a second degree burn (although I’m not a medical professional so that’s just trying to describe how awful it looks). He was scraped by a prickly vine on his calf while crouched and picking up a pile of weeds, then the rash showed up a couple days later. I don’t know for sure that he touched wild parsnip but I think it looked similar to some of the weeds I was pulling wearing gloves (and that might have been in the pile of Evil weeds he moved).

    It’s on two spots (one on his calf and one on his upper leg — about the same spot as touches his calf what when leg bent to crouch). The rash on his calf is red about 2.5 inches by 1.5 inches and about 3 inches by 1 inch on his thigh. Itchy and huge blisters weeping and been on his leg almost two weeks. Some of the blisters are huge… the size of a m&m or Skittles.

    He went to the Urgent Care to get prescriptions finally yesterday after over the counter treatments and it seemed to be getting worse not better.

    When he walked around on Thursday the area got extra itchy until his whole leg felt itchy. Then the red area extended further around the rash. He took an Epsom salt bath which he said made the leg feel less itchy for brief time. I’ve heard of poison oak, poison ivy, poison sumac and stinging nettles, but hadn’t heard of the parsnip family of poison plants until recently. Just wanted to ask if anyone had plant stories or if anyone had heard of these before (maybe it’s more well known in some areas than others). I’m newer to living in the Southeast but have also lived in Midwest states of the U.S.

    1. MsChanandlerBong*

      Last year, we had to go outside and cut down some crazy weeds (one day they weren’t there, and the next, they were like six feet high). I didn’t think to wear long sleeves because it was 90 degrees. Within 20 minutes, my skin felt like it was on fire. I ended up having to come inside, slather myself with cortisone cream, and take two Benadryl. I ended up sleeping for 14 hours straight because of the Benadryl. Unfortunately, I don’t know the name of the plant that caused the reaction.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Could be! I just looked outside and noticed it’s back again, so I’ll be bundling up next weekend to cut it down before it’s all over the place.

      2. Circus peanuts*

        I have friends who take photos of things that they don’t know what they are and post them on Facebook to crowdsource for an answer. Maybe you could take a photo and post it here? There is bound to be someone here who knows what it is.

    2. Chris S*

      My moment to shine! (I’m an invasive plant biologist who has dealt with both wild parsnip and giant hogweed.) That rash sounds… odd. Parsnip/hogweed reactions aren’t usually itchy, although he could have an unusual reaction. Hogweed does have stiff hairs along the stem; is that what you mean by “prickly?” Certainly the “second degree sunburn” blisters sounds like it could have been either of those plants!

      Speaking just from my personal experience, he may need to see a dermatologist; I had to when I ran into parsnip, since my general practitioner didn’t know what the reaction was. (The dermatologist took one look and knew exactly.) In my case, it took a couple weeks of steroids to knock the reaction down, although I would note that the area was susceptible to getting sunburned more readily for almost two years afterwards.

      Feel free to reach out if I can try to answer any questions!

      1. Cute Li'l UFO*

        Chiming in to say I’m HORRIFIED of wild parsnip/giant hogweed. I once went down the rabbit hole of toxic plants on wikipedia. I’ve never had poison oak and have probably come in contact with it but handled clothing very carefully afterwards.

        That sounds like a great field of work. Invasive plants have always been an armchair fascination of mine.

      2. Sled Dog Mama*

        Yes! go see a derm, for years I’d see a GP when I ran into poison oak/ivy/sumac (I’m totally unable to identify them despite multiple lessons) hubby finally dragged me to a derm and it was life changing! Turns out my contact dermatitis is compounded by plaques of hives. Now I see the derm 1x a year and have prescription at the pharmacy that I can pick-up without having to see them so I can treat at the first sign.

        I had a similar issue with being more susceptible to sunburn although the rash that triggered the sun susceptibility was on my legs (Ankle to mid thigh on both legs) and I got sun-burned on my arms (using sunscreen) but the doctor said that it can make you susceptible to sun-burn all over not just the treated area.

        Also I must highly recommend both Tecnu and Dawn dish detergent. Tecnu makes both a lotion and soap, the lotion you can apply to your skin prior to exposure (or immediately following an exposure) and it denatures the oils that cause contact dermatitis. Both the Tecnu soap and Dawn do the same thing, by denaturing the oil but you need a water source for them to be most effective. These are also great for getting the oils out of fabrics (in case you are wondering how to get contact dermatitis from ankle to mid-thigh just get the oil on your pants on a backpacking trip). I believe that there are other products that work the same as tecnu but I don’t know the names.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Southeast US native here.
      The thing about poison ivy, etc is that there isn’t one “standard” rash reaction. It all depends on your personal sensitivity.
      I have contact allergies to nearly everything on earth, but apparently am immune to poison ivy because I weed my yard barehanded and have never gotten it, while my husband gets it at least once a year. Fresh pine needles, however, will raise blisters on me. Go figure.

      A blistery, weepy rash could be a severe reaction to ordinary poison vines. I’ve had family members react severely to poison ivy/oak/sumac with blisters, rashes that got lasted weeks and required prescription care, and so forth.

      My mom (who had poor circulation due to diabetes) wound up with cellulitis in both legs from a bad case. I hope the prescriptions help and he feels better soon!

    4. Chaordic One*

      I have an allergy to dogwood bushes. (They look pretty with their red branches.) We have a single dogwood in a row of lilacs and when I brush my arms against the dogwood tree when I’m mowing the lawn I always break out in a red itchy rash. It is like nettles or poison ivy to me. I have to change clothes, wash my arms and then apply Benadryl cream on them and then the rash goes away after 4 or 5 hours or so.

    5. Gala apple*

      Sometimes the remedy grows right next to the problem. If you can find any jewelweed or jewelweed juice, that should really help with the rash

    6. LilySparrow*

      Any chance the mystery weed is pokeweed? It grows tall & fast, and some people have contact reactions to it (though not as often as some others)

  10. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We’re away for the weekend. My partner is attending a symposium and he wanted me and the dog to tag along. The hotel is very nice and it’s near a city where I used to live where there’s plenty to do, so it’s all good, HOWEVER.
    – Partner’s schedule is much more rigid than his last few conferences where I’ve tagged along, so I’m completely on my own for most of the day. Not the worst thing in the world– I like to wander and I love dining solo– but I tried to make plans with old friends and everyone’s crazy busy. So I’m a bit direction-less.
    – We’re not within walking distance of anywhere I can take the dog except for a walking trail and a couple of restaurants, and while I could drive him into the city proper, it’s not “dog-friendly” enough where I could, say, take him into a bathroom with me. So my plan is to stay close to the hotel this morning and venture out in the afternoon, which is fine, but kind of limiting.
    – After a very long walk on said walking trail, the dog barfed. Poor bud. Never barfs… except when we’re out of town. I think he just got too hot and ate too fast. Still, it’s never fun when the buddy barfs in a hotel room.
    – I have blisters on my feet from my cute brand-new sneakers. I just need to break them in. But the unexpected heat this weekend in this city is not helping.

    Sigh.

    1. Overeducated*

      I wonder if you are in my suddenly warm city, where I am on the train home from a conference…either way, hope you have fun, and drink lots of water!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I might as well just reveal I’m in DC. :-) Spent the afternoon at American History (couldn’t get into the new African-American Museum) and have taken myself to Jaleo for dinner. Not too bad.

        1. Overeducated*

          Ah! It would be funny if your partner is in the same field as me. Wonder hos many big conferences with packed schedules there are in DC this week. Nice day for Jaleo, which my phone really wants to spell Kale O!

  11. Thursday Next*

    Thank you to everyone who commented on my imposter syndrome question last week, and also to those who responded last month with advice about a court hearing.

    The court stuff is all resolved! And I’ve been feeling excited about the situation that had me feeling like an imposter. All in all, a great week!

  12. AMT*

    Throwing this out to the commentariat: what are the rules for talking about social gatherings around people who weren’t invited (but could potentially have been)? I know the general rule is not to, but the details confuse the hell out of me. I’m not from a very polite or tactful family, so bear with me:

    1. The internet. Is it okay to post pictures of a gathering that uninvited people might see on Facebook? Should I hide these pics from those people? I like my extended family to know what’s going on in my life, but I also don’t want to have to go through a lengthy process of picking out the audience for each post and excluding the people who weren’t invited — plus, I don’t always know who was invited and couldn’t make it vs. who wasn’t invited at all.

    2. I know it’s unkind to go on and on about a party to non-invitees, but should I avoid even mentioning it? Can I say, “I tried a great new beer at Keith’s house the other day,” and not be rude?

    3. To what size of gathering does this rule apply? If I had a casual lunch with two other people, should I not talk about it to people who weren’t there? Four people? Six?

    4. Don’t these rules kind of make for a Geek Social Fallacy #5 type of friend group? Can we accept that not everyone in a particular social group will be invited to a particular thing?

    5. Scenario time. A friend organized a day trip of about 15 people from my our city (City A) to nearby City B. Tim, a guy we know who lives in City B, was not invited. Tim knows us through a Meetup group based in City A, but doesn’t usually hang out with any of us outside the group, and no one is too enthusiastic about him, as he is vocal about his political views that are directly harmful to most people in the group. My friend posted Facebook pictures of the outing, which included a place that Tim frequents (small town), and tagged us all in the pics. Tim “liked” the pics on Facebook, probably hurt that he wasn’t invited. Was my friend unkind to have posted the pics? Should he have blocked Tim from seeing them? Changed the audience to just the people in the outing? Something else?

    1. Little bean*

      If the event has already happened and/or you are not the host, I think you should talk about what you want to talk about, and other people can manage their own feelings about it. It’s a little different if you’re organizing it and it’s in the future, because if you can tell they want to come and you still don’t invite them, then it’s potentially a little rude. I definitely think you should never worry about who sees what you post on social media.

      1. AMT*

        This was my initial thought, but I saw a couple of blog posts from people who were annoyed at seeing pictures of parties they weren’t asked to attend and I got worried. Thanks for the reassurance!

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I agree, social media is for sharing, and unless you want to block certain people from certain posts, the rules for in-person interaction don’t apply in the same way, really. (And you can limit posts on Facebook like that, so if there is one person whom you’re not ready to cut off but want to keep at arm’s length, that’s not a bad strategy.)

      I think the rules may not be quite the same for social media because plenty of people have hundreds or even thousands of Facebook friends, many of which they may only know online. Even though you know Tim IRL, it still applies that it is probably a logistical impossibility to organize a gathering that includes everyone on social media who is in the area. And his supporting things that are directly harmful to whole classes of people that almost everyone knows or is friends with (I’m assuming it’s not just a prejudice against gay Samoan albinos or something) can, will, and SHOULD limit his social circle, as it’s incredibly ignorant and privileged to support practices that directly harm a whole class of people but expect them to still not just tolerate but enjoy your presence socially.

      The rules definitely don’t apply to one-on-one gatherings, as you have no right to invite someone to Keith’s house, and even a good mutual friend has no right to expect Keith to host a group of people when maybe he just wanted to hang out with one or two other people. If that mutual friend would have liked to be there, they should ask Keith to come over to their house and have some interesting craft beers to try.

    3. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Real talk: if this is a legitimate concern in your friend group, GET NEW FRIENDS. Most well adjusted adults will understand that sometimes you hang out with Keith and drink beer without them and it’s not personal. If it’s legitimately going to cause drama if you even mention that you hung out with X and not Y, then your group is well in the depths of the GSF.

      I think the general rule is to not be overbearing about it – you can mention that you had a cool beer at Keith’s house, but the focus is the beer, not that you hung out with Keith and Roberta wasn’t invited neener neener. You can post on Facebook most of the time without hazard, because that’s semi public. You’re not that close to Tim so you don’t need to invite him to your outing in his area and if he gets mad about it, tough.

      1. AMT*

        Just to clarify, this hasn’t actually been a concern with my friend group — this is more me being clueless about etiquette and possibly slightly paranoid about people feeling snubbed. I’m always a little worried about the politics of who gets invited to what, but it’s good to know that the consensus seems to be that reasonable adults should take it in stride when they don’t get invited to stuff.

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          Great! (I’ll admit that part of this was me bringing my own baggage. Sorry for implying your friends might be terrible!)

          But yeah – I used to worry about this quite a bit myself, but…really, most people don’t really care if you did something without them unless they have something else going on. If it’s a situation where you actually do need to hide that you did something without someone (because you’re explicitly excluding them, or the person is really sensitive), then talking about the event is the least of your issues.

    4. Bagpuss*

      I think it’s mostly OK. Where i think it is problematic is where there is someone who has obviously been left out. e.g. if you work in a team of 6 people, and 5 of you go out without inviting the 6th, it’s not great to then talk about it in front of them, but if you work in a group of 6 and 2 or 3 of you do something together, it’s unlikely to be an issue.

    5. LilySparrow*

      1) Yes, this is fine. Post the pictures and don’t worry about it. The entire world doesn’t have a reasonable expectation of being invited to every event that everybody holds.

      2) This is also fine. Same principle.

      3) The general rule is not absolute group size, but as Bagpuss pointed out, it’s about relative size of group to invitees. So, if you have a friend group of 10 that usually hangs out together, and more than half were invited (say seven) then you are specifically choosing to leave three out. Don’t talk about it in front of those three, because that is rubbing the exclusion in their face. If you only invited 4 out of 10, then it wasn’t really an event *for that friend group*. It’s a sub-group, if that makes sense, and it’s fine to mention that.

      4) You’re right about the Geek Social Fallacy thing. That’s why it’s relative. There are also natural “break points.” For example, if you’re planning a wedding and have 5 aunts & uncles but 20 adult first cousins, you’d want to invite all of a generation or none. So you invite the 5 or all 25, because there’s a logical reason that isn’t a personal slight. (This is assuming you get along with all of them about the same). On the other hand, if you invited all siblings except one, that’s a very pointed snub and should be avoided unless you have a good reason (like personal estrangement).

      5) The Meetup situation is kind of in the middle, because on the one hand it was personal. Y’all don’t like Tim and purposely didn’t invite him. On the other hand, there are some natural break points. The majority live in the same city and Tim does not. You don’t normally hang out socially, and this was a social event instead of a Meetup event.

      I don’t think your friend was unkind, and it would be silly to block Tim. I could understand Tim feeling left out, because he was left out. But it doesn’t sound like he pouted or did anything rude. He just liked the pictures, which is a normal thing to do with pictures of people you know having fun. Don’t overthink it.

      Being polite and kind doesn’t mean nobody will ever have any negative reactions or feel left out. If Tim is vocal about opinions that offend the other group members, I’m sure he knows it. If he has typical adult-level emotional maturity and social skills, he can cope with any momentary disappointment and/or adjust the way he relates to the group if he wants to get along with them better.

    6. HannahS*

      I’m among very discreet and tactful big-city Canadians, so YMMV in the culture you’re living in.
      In my own friend groups, I’d say we don’t talk about group hangs and parties around people who weren’t invited, but we would if they were invited and couldn’t come. By that I mean that we wouldn’t name who we were with and who hosted, but we would definitely say “I was at a party Saturday night and played this super fun board game.” However, we would name names about 1-on-1s, as in “I saw Lucille last week and we ate at…” because there’s an assumption that everyone sees friends 1-on-1 sometimes. But that’s all within friend groups. So if it’s among people who don’t know each other, anything goes, because they wouldn’t have an expectation or desire to be included.

      If I have any concern that the person I’m talking to might feel hurt that I spent time with mutual friends and didn’t invite them, I might just say, “I tried this great restaurant last week, etc.” without saying who I was with. Or I might say, “I went and had a movie marathon with some friends. It was awesome. How was your weekend?” For parties, I’d do the same. The truth is, they might know what I was doing, and I might know that they probably saw pictures, but it’s just about not rubbing it in. If they say, “Oh, yeah, I saw you were with Jessie! What movie did you guys see?” then they’re signaling that it’s ok to talk about it openly.

      It’s tricky when there’s one person in a group that you don’t really like and prefer to exclude. I generally abide by a roughly 20-30% rule–so if more than 20-30% of the people within a group (a study group, a friend group, a young-adult-synaogue group) are spending time alone together AND they’re doing something that the not-invited people would enjoy AND there was not a logistical reason why the not-invited people were not invited AND the 20-30% don’t have a known close relationship outside of the group, then I’d probably keep it very discreet and hide my pictures from them.

    7. Lissa*

      I do think social media has changed the rules on this a bit, because even if I personally decide not to post pictures from a big party, it’s pretty likely someone else will, or maybe I will post pictures because I have no idea that the host’s ex-roommate wasn’t invited and didn’t realize she’s friends with one of my friends so saw the pictures and oh no!

      Most of the time I feel like adults just can deal with the fact that nobody gets invited to everything, 1 on 1 or small group gatherings are good and by their nature mean most people aren’t invited, and sometimes we wish were closer friends with someone who just isn’t feeling it. I’ve been on all sides of these things. Yes, it sucks to realize you didn’t get invited to something you’d have liked to with no obvious reason why not, but it happens to us all.

      *That said* I still think it’s rude to talk a lot about an event when a few other people were invited and one or two weren’t. I feel like it’s rude to have a conversation with someone who was also there and someone else wasn’t invited so is sitting there feeling like a gooseberry.

      Also kind of related, but I really don’t like how so many people will use terms like “snubbed” or “excluded” to mean “wasn’t invited to a thing” in most cases, because that makes it seem like it was Personal, and most of the time it wasn’t. Like, I’m going out for dinner tonight with 3 friends, am I “snubbing” or “excluding” else? No that’s silly! I think those terms should be reserved for things like “I invited all my cousins except for Sylvia” or “I deliberately asked Carol and Sarah to go to lunch with me in front of Theresa.” (this was a peeve that started early with the “Oscar snub” thing, like it’s not a snub if only 5 films are nominated, it’s just being one of the hundreds of others!”)

      1. AMT*

        Re: the “snubbing” thing, I’m remembering Captain Awkward’s “I’m not doing X *at* you!”

    8. TheLiz*

      A note on (2): it’s fine to say “I tried a great new beer at Keith’s the other day”, but less okay to say “Man, that Keith party was such a great party oh man everyone was there…”

    9. Triple Anon*

      I think posting the pictures but blocking the person from seeing them would be more passive aggressive. How would they find out? They probably wouldn’t, but you never know.

      In this digital age, I think we’re all supposed to live with seeing pictures of things that make us jealous or hurt our feelings, unfortunately. The solution is to scale back your social media use or develop a way to deal with it. That applies to both sides in a given scenario – people who might feel hurt and people who are worried they’ll make someone else feel bad. Either untag yourself and use social media less or accept that anything you post might hurt someone’s feelings – you can never know and you can’t control that stuff.

      As for talking about it, I think you just have to go by what seems appropriate for that situation. Some people get hurt by not being invited to stuff. Other people don’t. Just speaking for myself, I get more uncomfortable when someone seems like they’re going out of their way to avoid hurting my feelings. I’d rather people just talked about what they did when/if it comes up in conversation.

      I also think the reason the person wasn’t invited makes a difference. Not your choice? Don’t worry about it. If they ask, you can just say, “I was invited along with a bunch of other people.” If you chose not to invite the person, I think it’s good to be a little more delicate about it. Or just be open about the reason if they ask. I mean it depends on whether the reason is no big deal or if it’s more that you just don’t want to spend time with that person . . . Hard to explain. I hope that makes sense.

  13. Dopameanie*

    Controversial Opinion Corner:

    DC is better than Marvel.

    FIGHT ME!!!!

    NOTE: Those without any previous experience, knowledge, or history with this subject matter are HIGHLY ENCOURAGED to do a 30 second Google search and then defend an opinion to the death. Honestly, even the googling is optional.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        I think it depends what “TV” you’re talking about.

        I found Marvel’s Agents of Shield and Inhumans to be a little boring, but the series they’re doing on Netflix are quite engaging (thinking particularly of Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, and The Punisher).

        Even with DC, I couldn’t stand watching Legends of Tomorrow, but Supergirl and Krypton are pretty amazing shows.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Blasphemy! LoT is the best show and Sara Lance is my queen.

          Jessica Jones is the only one of the Netflix series I’ve been able to really get into.

      3. Lilo*

        The Marvel TV shows always start really really well and tend to fall apart. Daredevil consistently has its best episodes early one (the hallway fight in episode 2, that Punisher monolgue), but I couldn’t stand Elektra and didn’t even finish Season 2. Luke Cage had a terrific villain, but (without being too spoilery) then they switched focus and I thought the show fell apart after that.

        Then there’s stuff like Legion which is just a nutty mind trip. 8 minute silent movie Bolero sequence? Inexplicable psychic dance battle? Sure.

          1. Lilo*

            Yeah, I don’t know what they were thinking with that one. The Defenders was also just a combination of their worst attributes (Iron First plots and Elektra).

      4. Middle School Teacher*

        100% agree. I don’t know if DC movies don’t know who they want to be, or their target audience, or what, but they tend to be pretty rough. Suicide Squad…. ugh. What a waste of talent.

    2. TL -*

      MCU is better than DC …whatever that crud is.

      DC television shows are better than Marvel’s.

      Marvel’s superhero stable is better than DC’s, even though Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman are the most iconic superheroes.

      “Wonder Woman” and “Jessica Jones” are better than any woman-centric media – oh, wait, never mind, they don’t have any competition.

      However, “Blank Panther” garners Marvel major points and the X-men are brilliant in many ways, so Marvel wins.

    3. Lilo*

      In which context? I’d argue that DC is doing a pretty great job with their TV shows (The Flash, Supergirl, etc.) but I couldn’t stand the most recent DC films (from Man of Steel on), except for Wonder Woman, whereas the MCU films are pretty consistently good to great (Thor Ragnarok, Spiderman Homecoming, Black Panther). The non-Disney Marvel movies are a mixed bag of terrible (Fanatastic 4) to great (Logan).

      Marvel shows are a bit mixed – Legion is a trip, the Netflix shows are a mixed bag.

      If we’re looking further back, Dark Knight is, imo, one of the best comic book movies ever made, and the DC Animated Series I watched as a kid were fantastic. I loved old Spiderman comics as a kid, but lost interest in comics when they went super angsty in the 90s.

    4. JKP*

      Marvel is better than DC, because David Tennant was in Jessica Jones (Marvel). Anything David Tennant is in automatically wins. Debate over.

    5. Meh*

      DC does better animated content. And arguably better comics based on recent sales. But Marvel definitely has a vice grip on the movies.

      2. annakarina*

        True, I really like their animated films. I’m not a comic person, but I’ve rented their animated films if I liked the voice actors in it, so that was how I watched about four-five Batman movies (some to hear Bryan Cranston, Eliza Dushku, and Jensen Ackles), a Wonder Woman movie (to hear Keri Russell, Nathan Fillion, Gina Torres, Rosario Dawson, and Alfred Molina), and a Supergirl movie (to hear Summer Glau). Most were pretty enjoyable, though Mystery of the Batwoman could have just been a two-part episode, it wasn’t interesting enough to sustain for a whole movie.

    7. bassclefchick*

      I like them both equally. Though I agree that Marvel has a choke hold on the movies. I like the Marvel Netflix shows. The DC shows on the CW (Arrow, Flash, and the rest) are amazing. I also agree that the Dark Knight trilogy was the best. Though I do love the Tim Burton films.

      The only complaint I have is Gotham. It was great the first two seasons, third season was OK. Fourth season? Now it’s just silly. And I have never really gotten past the choice to make it look like it’s set in the 1950’s or so, but every one has cell phones.

    8. Temperance*

      Honestly, DC is infinitely better for women, so I agree with you. DC has Wonder Woman, Batgirl, Supergirl … a ton of awesome characters. Marvel’s female characters are largely dull, like Captain Marvel and America.

      2. HSavinien*

        Captain Marvel’s current writer doesn’t understand the character (it’s so painful) and they hired a novelist to write the current America and she had trouble adjusting to the format switch. Jason Aarons needs to step away from all female characters forever and especially Jane Foster and Sif.

        Squirrel Girl is a joyful romp, Gwenpool is funny in the way that 4th wall breakers should be, Ms. Marvel is a precious nerd who wants to do the right thing, Moon Girl is a joy for anyone struggling with being the smart weird kid, Hellcat is just hilarious, She-Hulk’s last run did an amazing job discussing trauma and grief, Silk’s a great exploration of family damage, Hawkeye is a wonderful disaster, Ironheart is the Iron Man franchise’s best move in years, X-23 is getting some long-needed healing in, Honey Badger is an endearing murderbaby and her friendship with Deadpool lights up my life, SpiderGwen’s timeline/universe is a little grim but my partner enjoys it, Wasp (Nadia) is an intensely positive and proactive character. There’s some decent stuff going down in X-Men Red. I haven’t yet started reading the Exiles or New Mutants titles that just started, but they look awesome.

        DCU’s Bombshells series is super great, and I’m hoping it keeps going because of found family and fighting for justice. Harley Quinn’s been having some good fun being allowed to exist on her own without Joker’s deadweight. The last Black Canary title was gritty but fun. Gotham City Garage was decent, but the art was really variable. Batgirl (mostly pretty light) and Batwoman (daaark) have been going all right, but Birds of Prey has been struggling lately with things like, e.g., don’t kill off a black guy to make your white ladies angst, and also gender essentialism. Starfire needs to be written by a woman because all the dudes who keep writing her are terrible at it. Wonder Woman’s title *was* good, but I had to drop it because the current writer is bad at women and really only stoked about writing male character he added.

    9. Thlayli*

      I prefer DC characters (with the exception of wolverine) because I feel they tend to be more realistic personality wise than marvel. However a lot of the marvel movies in the last few years have been so great – better than any D.C. movie ever. Though some have been awful too. So I am a fan of both. Wolvie is my fave tho

      1. Lilo*

        I was so disappointed in how they handled Superman in the recent reboot. Superman absolutely can be interesting (he’s very good in the Justice League animated series), but they just made him so very dull.

    10. Marzipan*

      DC movies are a hot mess. They have some of the most iconic, instantly-recognisable characters out there, and they still can’t get it together. I’d actually argue that Marvel’s historic rights issues and the consequent limitations on the characters available to them in the early days of the MCU ultimately worked in their favour – creativity can often be sparked by those kinds of restrictions. But their main thing was to translate to the screen something comic book readers have taken for granted for decades – the idea that everything’s happening together in one world, and any character might pop up in any other character’s story, or they might all cross over into one. DC clearly want to do that in the cinema, but they don’t seem to be prepared to do any of the work involved in getting there. And the infuriating thing is that I want them to be good, and they keep being pants.

      1. Nicole76*

        I couldn’t agree more. I have yet to see a DC film, except for maybe Man of Steel, that I enjoyed. I really wanted to like Wonder Woman because Gal Gadot is a great actress, but I just couldn’t get into it. Batman vs. Superman was absolutely terrible and don’t get me started on Justice League. All the DC sets are very physically dark. I guess that’s how Gotham and the other fictional cities are supposed to look but I find it depressing. Also, Ben Affleck is a terrible Batman! He was a bigger badass in The Accountant. I’d honestly rather watch Lego Batman if given the choice.

        Obviously, I’m Marvel all the way. I love the characters, humor, and sets. It doesn’t hurt that Robert Downey Jr. has been a long-standing crush of mine going back to his Pickup Artist days. o_O

    11. Sylvan*

      I don’t care about Batman or Superman, therefore Marvel is better.

      I also don’t care about Iron Man or Captain America, but I like the Thor movies! DC doesn’t have a fun dumb Thor movie equivalent.

    12. Loopy*

      Okay do we mean overall characters and storylines, comics, animated TV, live action TV, or movies?

      I have very complex opinions on this one, may have to sit this out haha!

      BUT I started doing this (sort of!) with an email buddy this week! We debated the values of condiments vs natural taste of food. It was great fun! Thanks for the inspiration!

      1. MotherRunner*

        Oh, i would be totally down with a condiment show-down next week. Dopameanie, if you’re looking for inspiration, I’ll submit that mayo is disgusting and franks red hot is the nectar of the gods. Just sayin…

    14. Miss Elaine e.*

      We seem to be a Marvel household for whatever reason. I’ll drop a grenade in this subthread by daring to say…

      I am tired to death of superhero movies of any stripe: Marvel, DC, whatever….

      Can’t anybody come up with a character that does not overcome some sort of childhood trauma by donning a goofy looking costume, usually with tights and a cape? Are there no other fun stories to tell?

      Ducking out now….

      1. Lissa*

        tbh I would be really happy to see a superhero who just…has powers, and no major trauma other than the normal stuff. Maybe….two living parents? Or if only one is, make it the mom for once? I know fiction hates women over 40 but come on…

        2. HSavinien*

          No extreme trauma here!
          All parents living and accounted for: Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, Ms. Marvel, Blue Beetle (Giffen & Rogers run, started 2006), Miles Morales Spiderman, Gwenpool
          Mother absolutely okay: Unbeatable Squirrel Girl, The Legend of Wonder Woman

      2. AcademiaNut*

        I’m with you there! I’m getting pretty tired of the dark, gritty reboot approach, not to mention bro-dudes with privilege issues and what few women there are in sexy, sexy costumes.

        I loved the Lego batman movie, though. They were having fun with that. I tend to like my superhero media done with an acknowledgement of the inherent ridiculousness of the whole tights/skin tight armour, bitten by a radioactive spider, secret identity stuff.

      4. Arjay*

        Or folks who overcome childhood trauma the old fashioned way by drinking too much and sleeping with strangers!

    15. Elizabeth West*

      I really liked Batman for years and years, and The Dark Knight is one of my favorite films of all time, but after The Dark Knight Rises, I found myself becoming a Marvel fan. TDKR was awful and I just pretend it never happened. I wasn’t very interested in Batfleck, and I’m not a Superman fan since Christopher Reeve (though Henry Cavill is fiiiiiine.) :) I loved the Wonder Woman film, however. But I’m pretty much all about the MCU. I’m very behind on SHIELD and haven’t watched the other TV programs in the Marvel universe. There’s just too much.

      As for comics, I didn’t read many as a kid, though I did read some Fantastic Four, and Captain America, whom I loved. There used to be little Cap comics in this magazine Scholastic put out called Dynamite, and I read the shit out of those.

    16. all aboard the anon train*

      Marvel comics have more interesting female characters and recently, the storylines for their comics are way more interesting, but DC has the better villains. I will love X-Men until I die and I always appreciated that the characters were diverse and that mutants are a parallel to anyone who has ever been discriminated against.

      DC has the better imprint. I actually enjoy most of the stuff from Vertigo far more than anything from DC comics.

      As far as the movies, Marvel wins, even though I only really like the Captain America, Thor, and Black Panther movies. Ant-Man was enjoyable and the first Guardians was entertaining. I’m pretty fatigued with the movies though and probably won’t see Infinity War in theaters and will wait until I can fast forward through all the Iron Man/Spiderman/Doctor Strange scenes. My fatigue mostly started around AoU and I will always be bitter about what they did with Cap 3.

      But that Marvel fatigue is still better than the general disinterest I have for the DCEU. They’re just bad movies.

  14. Portugal Travel Tips*

    I booked a flight to Portugal! I’ll be traveling there for a little over two weeks this summer. I’ve already done quite a bit of research and my itinerary is pretty set, but I’d love recommendations for what to see, do, and eat. I will be in Lisbon and Porto will trips to Sintra, Cascais, Obidos, Coimbra, Guimaraes, and Braga. Restaurant recommendations are especially appreciated.

    1. Emilie*

      Coimbra is amazing. When visiting the University, do yourself a favor and check out their old zoological museum as well. Bad taxidermy FOR DAYS! Since it’s pretty tourist-y, there are quite a lot of nice restaurants (especially tapas). They’re a bit pricy for Portugeese standards, but Portugal is not an expensive country all in all, so they’re worth checking out.

      1. Emilie*

        … And get your hands on a “Use It” city map for Porto (they had them a the tourist information when I went there last summer. Also be aware of “fake” tourist informations. They have a big, very official one that won’t charge you for city maps). It’s full of recommendations for great restaurants and port bars.

      2. Alicat*

        Ze Manel dos Ossos in Coimbra is fantastic! Cheap delicious local food. We ate there twice. Can be hard to get into because it’s so popular but worth a wait.

    2. Fiennes*

      Don’t miss the Quinta de Regaleira in Sintra! It’s this unbelievably complex, beautiful garden with grottos and castles and underground tunnels. Apparently it was begun in the Middle Ages by the Knights Templar, who meant it to serve as a microcosm of the universe—but most of the imposing stonework was added in the Victorian era. It’s one of the most otherworldly places I’ve ever been. Allow a few hours to really explore!

    3. Close Bracket*

      I loved Portugal! I stayed in Lisbon for maybe five days or a week with one day trip to Sintra to see the big castle ( The one it’s best known for, not the Knights Templar thing, which sounds amazing and I wish I had known about it when I went!). Go to a bakery and try the chocolate sausage! I have no idea what the Portuguese name for it is but OMG, it is so good.
      About eating in the restaurants: some genius invented the 375 mL bottle of wine, and it is perfect for one person at a meal who wants to drink more than one glass but does not want to buy a full-size bottle of wine. Take advantage! Also, before the meal, they will bring you appetizer like things of meats, cheeses, and bread. These are not included in the price of the meal! Eat them anyway. They are delicious, and you will get a nice variety of different cheeses over the times that you get dinner or lunch. You can also send them back, but seriously, eat them. Make sure you order a small meal or you will be so stuffed :-).
      There is a port restaurant in Lisbon that serves like 100 different kinds of port! Go to it! There are so many more kinds of port than are dreamt of in your philosophy, I mean, than you can find outside of Portugal!
      That was a lot of exclamation points! They are all warranted! Holy cats, I want to go back so badly now.

  15. Little bean*

    People with sleep problems, how did you get through having kids? My fiance has struggled with insomnia his entire life and currently takes sleeping pills every night. He is a huge crab if anything wakes him up, or even disturbs his bedtime routine, because it’s so hard for him to fall back asleep. He agrees that he needs to quit the pills if/when we have kids (both because I expect him to actively help care for a baby at night, and because I need him to not be under the influence of drugs if there’s an emergency), but I’m worried this will just mean he gets no sleep and is cranky all the time. I know new parents never get any sleep anyway, but I’m capable of napping for an hour or two a few times a day; I don’t think he is. He also says he can’t sleep through noise or during the day, or under any less than ideal circumstances. He once stayed awake for 36 hours straight because he couldn’t sleep on a long flight. Does having a kid mean he’s going to be miserable, or I’m going to end up doing everything myself?

    1. Bea*

      He needs to be taking any medication that’s necessary to be a healthy functioning person!

      I understand your point but if someone has a medical issue you work around it not just make them suffer so you’re both sacrificing during the infant years.

      This is not a good way to forge a long lasting partnership and he may grow to resent his family given his need for addressing his sleep issues being put on the shelf like that.

      1. Little bean*

        Thanks Bea, that is a useful perspective. However, how do we do that without me being the sole caretaker of an infant for 8 hours every night? I’m not ok with that, and my fiance agrees that I shouldn’t be. We also both work full time. If the answer is that we need to hire help, or that we just shouldn’t have kids, that’s ok. I’m just trying to figure out how other people have navigated this kind of situation.

        1. Natalie*

          I mean, if hiring help is an option for you I would definitely do that! A night nurse would pretty much solve this problem.

      2. Little bean*

        But you’re right that quitting the pills is not necessarily the only solution. I had been fixated on that, so thanks for pointing that out.

      3. Temperance*

        I think he needs to talk to his doctors about this. It’s really not reasonable to expect him to get great, drug-induced sleep each night while Little bean is doing all the heavy lifting.

      4. JamieH*

        Equal is not necessarily fair. You will likely do more of the overnight wake ups because your fiancé has a medical condition that makes that particular parenting job extra challenging. But maybe he will do more sick days and doctor appointments, or maybe he will Ben able to calmly handle more toddler tantrums, or whatever. Parenting is a roller coaster and each phase lasts for only a short time. You’re going to have to try hard to not keep score, even though it is very tempting when you’re exhausted.

        Now, some options;
        1. Could work hours be flexible for either of you? I have had parent friends that slept in shifts. One parent goes to bed as early as 7 and sleeps. The other parent stays up and is responsible for all wake ups until 1 or so. The parent that went to bed first is responsible for all wake ups after 1.

        2. You can definitely hire a night nanny to handle nights. Maybe hire one for the nights your fiancé would be in charge if he didn’t have a medical condition?

        3. Maybe your baby will be a good sleeper! You can always hope. And you might be breastfeeding? Some babies wake up to eat and then fall right back asleep. In those cases, it’s not even really helpful to have a parent do wake ups. Pumping for that is it’s own huge hassle.

        1. Little bean*

          The different sleep schedules is a good idea! I’d still like to have a couple hours a day when we’re both awake and home to see each other, but some version of that could at least be helpful.

        2. swingbattabatta*

          My husband and I alternated every other night. One night, one parent slept nearly the whole night (unless the baby was just inconsolable and then they’d come out to help), and then the next night it’d be their turn. This came about partially because I had some really serious complications from birth and needed a break, and partially because we had to use formula due to said complications (COME AT ME), but it made it easier to get through an exhausting night knowing that the next night was going to be much more restful.

      5. Short & Dumpy*

        I’m your fiance in terms of insomnia & being a crazy light sleeper. My solution was to not have kids. I would have been a miserable parent with miserable kids.

        Granted, I never had much interest in kids to start with but my spouse really really wanted them. The answer was still no because it wouldn’t have been fair to anyone involved.

        One HUGE thing you are not considering in your definition of him being on medication or not…pretty muchall the serious research is showing that each hour of sleep deprivation is roughly equivalent to an alcoholic drink in terms of mental impairment. After just a few nights of missing sleep, your fiance will be making decisions & concentrating as well as a severely drunk person. Do you REALLY want him taking care of a child in that state? Or driving? How long before his job performance is destroyed? Oh, the. There’s the extra fun nuance that sleep deprived people are much more likely to react violently.

        I know this reads as harsh, but IME people who haven’t dealt with it personally truly don’t understand what a horrible thing insomnia is

        1. Forking Great Username*

          Here’s the thing I don’t think you’re considering – almost all parents of a newborn experience sleep deprivation to some extent. If only one parent is handling all of the night wakings, they will absolutely experience sleep deprivation. That’s why I think your response is unnecessarily harsh – you’re lecturing her on all of the negative effects of sleep deprivation when SHE will be the sleep deprived one experiencing all of that if he is never willing to skip his meds so he can help on at least some nights.

          1. Thursday Next*

            +a million.

            It sounds like what Little Bean is trying to work out is a way to respect both partners’ *equal need and right to sleep.* Sleep might be more difficult to achieve and sustain for Fiancé, but that doesn’t mean Little Bean is any less entitled to sleep, or any less affected by its absence.

            Little Bean, while infancy is an intensely demanding phase, it’s possible that demands will continue or pop up sporadically even after infancy. So it’s not a situation that you can decide to power through for the first several months, in the expectation that after that, the rough nights will be behind you.

            I heartily co-sign a visit to a sleep specialist. I’m the family insomniac and the primary caregiver day, night, and in illness. Sleep deficit + caregiving is a rough road.

            1. Little bean*

              thanks guys! This is it exactly. While I fall asleep and stay asleep much easier, I still need sleep! I can’t be awake with a baby, all night every night, and still be functional at work. And i certainly can’t do without being resentful if hubby is blissfully getting his 8 hours every night.

          2. Dan*

            S&D said it wasn’t fair to his partner to make them do all the caregiving so that he could sleep, and consequently decided not to have kids. I thought that was a responsible choice.

            1. Forking Great Username*

              I’m not disagreeing with you there. But if someone else in the same situation does want to have kids, they need to figure out some sort of compromise. S&D seemed to be implying, the way I read the post anyways, that it would be unfair for the partner who has insomnia to ever be sleep deprived. Not exactly a way to achieve a compromise.

      6. Em Too*

        ‘Healthy functioning person’ isn’t an absolute and new borns often mean sleep deprivation. So it’s reasonable to ask how to share the pain, not assume the person with sleep issues gets the medication while other partner gets all the sleep deprviation.

    2. Sled dog mama*

      Hubby and I deal with this by alternating nights (not so easy if you are breastfeeding or getting up a lot with a very young baby) but now that kiddo is 4 (holy cow when did that happen!) she knows what nights are mommy nights and what nights are daddy nights and if she needs something she will wake the right person up. We also took a careful look at her space pretty early on and tried to make it so she could be very independent overnight. She was a very early climber and didn’t particularly like the crib so at about a year she moved to sleeping on a crib mattress on the floor, we covered all the outlets (with the blank plates) and basically moved all the other furniture out. She immediately stopped waking up and screaming for one of us 2-3 times a night, she’d wake maybe move around some and go back to sleep, can’t tell how many times I’d put her to bed on the mattress only to find her sprawled in the middle of the floor directly under the ceiling fan.
      Now her most frequent request is water at 2am so we put a glass next to her bed at bedtime.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        Also if he hasn’t talked to his doctor recently (12 months) about the insomnia he should do that. There is always new research and his doctor might be aware of a new technique that would work better for him than the pills.

    3. Green Kangaroo*

      Oof, this is tough. Would it be possible to hire a night nurse to help out during the early months? I’m a firm believer in equal sharing of parenting duties, but fair and equal are not the same thing, especially when one parent has a medical issue that needs to be accommodated.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      This is just my experience, and I think time has dulled my memory of this period more than a little, but it’s not that you get no sleep, it’s that you sleep differently and in shorter increments. And yes, you probably sleep less overall unless you really work at it. Infants are just not compatible with modern life. I have anxiety induced insomnia and that period felt like more of the same but different. Be open to trying whatever helps the family get good sleep. Be very observant about your baby’s sleep habits and how you can maximize sleep for the whole family around them. This period is so short in the grand scheme of things and you can usually break (or modify) “bad habits” when you’re well rested. You and your fiancee could arrange shifts for the nightime. And if you haven’t already, this is a great time to really investigate his insomnia and see what can be done. I’d say the most important thing would be no grumping at the baby.

    5. Thlayli*

      I had really bad insomnia all my life. As soon as I hit the sleep deprivation of the newborn phase my inability to nap disappeared. He will be so tired that he will be able to nap any chance he gets.

      Sleeping tablets are incredibly addictive though – so he needs a plan to be completely off them BEFORE the baby comes

      1. Little bean*

        I am wondering if this will happen! Right now, he never naps and says he can’t. I am the opposite – if I’m tired enough, I can sleep anywhere and under any circumstances (in a car, on a couch during a party, once on some lawn furniture at a Wal-Mart…). At some point, your body HAS to sleep, right?

        1. Overeducated*

          Not necessarily…I never got an ability to nap, I just was more miserable and exhausted than my husband, who could.

          That being said, my sleep deprivation with an infant was awful, but that’s part of having an infant. (I also am not sympathetic at all when women take on all the night wakeups during maternity leave because men “have to work,” I think “suck it up, men.”) I think the one thing my husband could do to keep me from snapping, which you could do for yours, was to occasionally let me sleep longer when I WAS getting good sleep instead of being super strict about a schedule. He would make up for the sleep lost with naps or me letting him sleep more the next day or whatever.

        2. WellRed*

          When someone says they can’t nap, believe them. I am concerned your ability to nap or sleep anywhere under any circumstances is making you think this will work out great. I hope it does and glad you two are taking this seriously.

      2. Thlayli*

        One last thing – check out “I can make you sleep” by Paul McKenna. It is a book / hypnosis cd and if you follow every single rule in the book, he will be able to sleep. But you have to follow all the rules. It’s not easy.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I would assume that he is going to be miserable. The conservative response to your question is to assume if he quits the pills and has NO other plan, this probably will not go well.

      Ask him what he is willing to do to help himself with the sleeplessness and the crankiness.

      It could be just my bias, but I don’t think I would move forward here until there is a working plan in place. Try it before you get pregnant to make sure the plan will work.

      1. Little bean*

        Yeah, that’s why I’m asking this question relatively early. We’re not even getting married until next year, much less having kids yet, but this is the one big issue that I think we need to resolve. He’s said that he would quit, but I’m worried that he either won’t be able to or will be so miserable that we’re both miserable.

        1. neverjaunty*

          He needs to see a sleep specialist. Long-term use of sleeping pills is not a good thing, baby or no, and you are right that this currently isn’t a tenable situation for a baby. Even if you were to agree to split shifts or you take on most of the night shift, what happens when you get the flu or baby decides only Daddy will do?

          1. Natalie*

            A sleep specialist isn’t a bad idea, but it’s not a silver bullet either. Aside from apnea, many sleep problems don’t have great solutions available.

      2. Melody Pond*

        +1 to this. My original response was going to be something like this:

        Does having a kid mean he’s going to be miserable, or I’m going to end up doing everything myself?

        Yes. Probably.

        That’s a little too harsh and oversimplifying – but in all seriousness, it’s something I’d want to be prepared for, if I were in your shoes. I’d want to be prepared for the possibility that it might really suck, and that he’ll be completely miserable, and that it will put a serious strain on our relationship. I know that sounds really dark and gloomy – but I think it’s better to be prepared for that possibility and to know how you’re going to deal with it, than to be surprised by it and feel completely overwhelmed/isolated/helpless/whatever you’d be most likely to feel.

        My own particular worst-case-scenario (I think this says a lot about my own issues and insecurities) would be winding up in that situation, everything being terrible, me feeling completely alone, him being miserable all the time, and the relationship breaking down under the stress of it all, and me suddenly finding myself a single parent with tiny little kids. Again, I know that is really out there and gloomy (sorry!). But I feel most secure and in-control when I’ve considered the absolute worst things that can happen, and then think ahead to figure out: “Okay, how would I deal with this” or “what could I do to steer us away from things getting that bad?”

        I think it’s very wise that you’re thinking about this now, rather than just assuming everything will all work out without planning ahead. :)

        1. AcademiaNut*

          I agree. I don’t think that you can assume that a solution exists that will result in an equitable split of night feedings and a functional husband. Your husband has a medical condition that has inflexible treatment requirements. So he’s not going to be able to simply step up and do what’s required when child care conflicts with it.

          A couple of suggestions – look at resources and advice aimed at nursing, working mothers – they’re doing all the night time feeding while working full time. Second – stop thinking about an “8 hour night” and reframe it as how to get enough sleep in a 24 hour period. With nursing friends, they would do things like crash right after supper and the dinner feed, while their husband did household stuff, then wake up for the 11 pm feed, 3 am feed, 6am feed. They’d get eight hours of sleep, but not in an eight hour period. Or staggered work schedules – one of you goes to bed early, one gets up early. Or your husband does the chores on the weekend while you catch up on sleep.

          Also, think about expanding your support system beyond the two of you. Hiring a night nurse part of the time, for example.

          Another caveat – the thing with kids is that you don’t know what sort of kid you’re going to get until you bring it home, and there’s no return policy. I have friends whose kids slept through the night (ie, a 6 hour stretch) at three months, and others who had fussy sleepers well over a year of age. So be careful not to base your plans around the best case scenario (good sleeper, husband is able to go off pills successfully) but also consider the worst case (your husband goes on as he does now, you and the baby have to sleep in a different room to keep from disturbing him, the baby is a fussy sleeper, and you develop problems of your own (complicated delivery, post-partum depression…).

    7. Ann O.*

      I have lifelong chronic, pretty horrible insomnia and a child. Here are my recommendations:

      If you have the money for it, hire a night nurse. Even if you can only do it a few nights a week, it will help so much to have those nights that you know you’re going to sleep solidly. As a bonus, many night nurses are also good at teaching babies how to sleep independently so they sleep through the night earlier. Friend/family/babysitter can also help with this, but personally, I had too much anxiety (definitely amplified by intense sleep deprivation!) to trust someone who didn’t do this professionally.

      If you can’t do that, alternate nights of which parent is on/which parent is off. Give up the idea of no sleeping pills ever. I went on sleeping pills for the first time because I needed the control of knowing that when I had the opportunity to sleep, I would sleep. Restorative sleep is so important, and if that’s what needs to happen for you both to have restorative sleep, that’s what needs to happen. Odds of a real emergency are low.

      Also, do some research and, if you can, budget for a sleep coach. Sleep coaches can help teach you how to teach your baby to sleep in a way that will work for you (i.e. if you don’t want to close the door and let the baby cry with no parental intervention, you don’t have to pick that method). The sooner your baby is sleeping, the shorter this time period is.

      The method we used with our baby actually alleviated my insomnia for several years. We used a strict bedtime routine, which locked me into having a strict bedtime routine. Good sleep hygiene is the primary recommendation for insomnia, but it’s so hard to do. There were a few weeks where the baby was sleeping but I wasn’t, and I thought I might genuinely lose my mind. But when I got through the other side, I was falling asleep within minutes of going to bed.

      Unfortunately, I’m a hobbyist performer, which is also important for my mental/emotional health. And a strict night time routine is not compatible with late night shows. So I’m back to full-on insomnia. :(

    8. Cambridge Comma*

      We have a six month old. The sleep deprivation was crazy for the first two weeks, so maybe you would need a family member to help out. After than it got gradually better until she was sleeping seven hours at a time at seven weeks. I think we might be quite lucky though. We basically spend 7pm to 7am in the bedroom, and when she was younger and a less efficient feeder we would watch half a film around 4am (headphone splitter). When she has tummyache and sleeps badly we take it in turns to go and sleep for three hours in the living room. We also take it in turns to be responsible for listening out for her, which means the other person can sleep more deeply and ignore the baby pterodactyl noises.
      If you would want to cosleep, a person on sleeping pills can’t do that.
      Probably you would need a solution during pregnancy because at the end he wouldn’t be able to take sleeping pills in case you went into labour in the night.

      1. Little bean*

        That is exactly the emergency situation I was thinking of – that labor could easily happen at night. He can’t drive for several hours after he’s taken his medication.

    9. Onomatopoeia*

      This works for me: tart cherry juice, magnesium, melatonin; jackhammer-noise-level earplugs.

      May I first say with all due respect and gently: the first thing he needs to tackle is his mindset. I know how awful the insomnia cycle is; how desperate one feels. but it must have element of ‘mind over matter.’ May I also respectfully say to you that were I in your situation, I would *not* have children until this issue is resolved. You will be exhausted beyond your ability to cope with shared baby care; if you must face it solo, while your partner chases sleep his bed, it will breed ill will all around. (I speak from experience.)
      So, my regimen:
      An hour before bed, I take magnesium and melatonin with tart cherry juice. (all three have been shown by National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, MD USA) to promote sleep.)
      follow this regimen, and in about two weeks, you’ll sleep better. I thought nothing was going to help for me, but this did. Another thing: when I d wake up in the night, I immediately became tense worrying over lost sleep. Now, I relax, roll onto my back and think calming thoughts (“my body is getting rest; sleep will follow) deep, slow breathing.
      This may sound hokey but it worked for me (after years of 10mg ambien.)
      In the US, look for ‘smartjuice’ brand tart cherry juice – it is not from concentrate and has no added ingredient.
      good luck! but stay firm in this thought: if this is hard to manage now, adding kids will make it unendurable.

      1. Circus peanuts*

        Oh, I used to drink tart cherry juice after karate class in the evenings to help with muscle soreness and I remember sleeping well after class night. I had attributed it to the exercise. Nice to know that the juice helped :)

    10. Em Too*

      I also found being absolutely shattered is an excellent cure for insomnia – I never developed the ability to sleep on transport but it’s the one time in my life I could nap and also get to sleep very quickly without medication. So quitting pills may not make a huge difference.

      Alternatively, I know two families with extremely poor sleepers where the father did all the childcare at one end of the night, so mum got whatever she could during the night plus a guaranteed 4 hours unbroken (one was 8-12pm the other 5-9am). I think having some unbroken sleep makes a huge difference – I do better on 4 hours and a few naps than 8 hours in 2 hour chunks.

    11. LilySparrow*

      Depending on how easy it is for him to cycle on and off the meds, you could alternate nights or do 2-day “shifts.”
      Also, if he has partner leave during your maternity leave, you could nap/sleep in the day while he is on baby-duty and he can sleep at night.

      Bear in mind, one factor will be if you breastfeed or not. If you’re nursing you probably won’t get a whole “shift” off, ever, unless you’re planning to pump and/or supplement. Which is a fine choice that works for a lot of people. I just mention it because it’s definitely a factor. Attachment parenting/nursing on demand means mom doesn’t sleep through the night until the baby does. So if that’s something you’re considering, then his insomnia treatment might not make a lot of practical difference.

      One thing that worked well for several friends of mine was a bedside bassinett/safe co-sleeper. The baby’s sleeping surface is on the same level as your mattress, and the bassinet is strapped to your bed. So you can just slide baby in for a feeding and back out again.

      And, to be realistic, there are moms whose partners just don’t get up at night with the baby, ever. There are moms who don’t have partners. There are moms whose partners are disabled and physically can’t do nighttime baby care. I wouldn’t consider it ideal, but everybody gets through it okay.

      Definitely work with his doctor to find out what’s in everybody’s best interest.

    12. valentine*

      Don’t rely on his promise to quit. Forecast based on both perpetual pills/husband not on night duty and what you’d do if he could treat his insomnia in a way that allows him to sleep under various conditions. If you can hire three night nannies (main plus backups), you might avoid the problem altogether.

    13. No Name Yet*

      If this is already something he’s tried with a full-faith effort, then just ignore the rest of this comment.

      But if not: cognitive-behavioral treatment for insomnia (CBT-I), or something similar. There is a substantial amount of research that psychological treatments (not therapy the way we think about it) for insomnia are much more effective *in the long run* than medications. Do the meds work faster? Absolutely. But as you’re considering, they’re not always ideal for any number of reasons. Compared to other psych treatments CBT-I can actually work astonishingly fast (within a few months), and I would highly recommend he look into it *with someone who specializes in it*. It’s not terribly hard to do as a provider, but you want someone who knows what they’re doing.

  16. UK Bound*

    We’re preparing to move to the UK. In the big picture, everything’s going well. Now we’re onto details and the one that is driving my son crazy is that per the gov’t website, his guinea pigs need to be in quarantine for four months.

    First, is anyone aware of an airline that will fly guinea pigs from the US to the UK? Second, is there any way around quarantine?

    I can’t believe we’re looking at spending hundreds or thousands of dollars for these critters that together were $15 at the local humane society.

    1. Akcipitrokulo*

      Don’t know about airlines, but no, there isn’t a way around quarantine unless you have a pet passport, and I think that only covers eu countries.

    2. Caro in the UK*

      Hey UK Bound, welcome to the UK!

      Unfortunately there’s no way around quarantine for guinea pigs. There is a Pet Travel Scheme (PETS) which allows appropriately vaccinated and documented dogs, cats, ferrets and horses to bypass the quarantine system. But those are the only animals allowed to use that scheme. All other animals HAVE to do the four months, I’m really sorry :(

      You need to book the quarantine in advance (you can’t just turn up with them) and you need to make sure that you arrive at one of the eight airports authorised to accept animals for quarantine (Belfast International, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Glasgow Prestwick, Leeds Bradford, London Gatwick, London Heathrow, or Manchester).

      I know your son almost certainly adores his guinea pigs, but it’s a big chunk of their lives and will be very stressful for them. Would you consider rehoming them to a good home (perhaps someone you know who can send updates and photos) before you move and adopting again once you’ve moved?

      1. Myrin*

        Now I’m really curious why ferrets of all animals are one of the few allowed to bypass this rule!

        2. Slartibartfast*

          Rabies vaccine is labeled for use in ferrets. Quarantine rules mostly revolve around rabies. It can take up to 4 months for the disease to show symptoms after exposure, any mammal can catch it (including us), it’s virtually guaranteed to kill you (theres a handful of survivors through extremely expensive, experimental treatment) and for an island that doesn’t have it, keeping it out is a huge and serious public health issue.

          2. TL -*

            Rabies in humans is very survivable as long as you start treatment soon after first exposure and before onset of symptoms – treatment is basically vaccination because the virus is very slow to cause infection.

            After onset of symptoms, there’s very little you can do, so it would be incredibly dangerous to have an outbreak and not know it. And it’s rough on wildlife too, so you don’t want to introduce it.

            1. Slartibartfast*

              Yes, important detail. Preventative vaccination immediately after possible exposure is extremely important. Once symptoms appear, it’s too late. PSA: if you ever experience an animal bite, take it seriously and seek immediate medical attention, no matter how minor it seems.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        A woman at work has 20 of the things – guess I could ask her but then I would have to spend an hour listening to increasingly more far-fetched ferret stories ……

        1. UK Bound*

          Thanks for the background regarding rabies. I was hoping there was something we haven’t looked into. But, it’s looking like we’ll need to rehome them. I appreciate the comments.

            1. UK Bound*

              I know. Actually, I have no attachment to the guinea pigs. Allergies keep me far away. But, he loves them and is having a hard time with the idea of any replacements. I thought I’d ask in case there’s something I’ve missed.

        2. The Director*

          20 ferrets?!? I had one and she was so cute and not-smelly, that I got her a friend. And the smell quadrupled. I can’t imagine 20.

  17. ScienceLady*

    Favorite science puns?

    I’ve used all of mine in emails already; the good ones argon.

    2. fposte*

      Some helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry; we don’t serve noble gases in here.” The helium doesn’t react.

    3. Lilo*

      A police officer pulls of Heisenberg on the highway. The officer says “Buddy, do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies “No, but I did know exactly where I was.”

      1. Mephyle*

        When I used to pick up my daughter coming home from late classes, she would call me when she was on the bus or tram and I would calculate what time I had to leave to meet her at the pickup point so that neither one of us had to wait too long in the night for the other. At first I used to ask “where are you?” and “how is the traffic?” (i.e. how fast was she approaching) but then I switched to “give me your Heisenberg coordinates.” She was a physics student, she know what I meant.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too” — and he died.

      Would you like to hear a joke about sodium? Na
      How about a joke about nitric oxide? NO
      Can I at least tell you a joke about potassium? K

      2. ECHM*

        BAHAHA!

        My favorite –
        Johnny was a chemist’s son
        Johnny is no more
        Cause what he thought was H2O
        Was H2SO4

    6. Mephyle*

      Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

    7. Mephyle*

      Nearly all the good puns seem to be chemistry, plus a few physics ones. I was wondering, aren’t there any good math jokes, so I looked it up and found this: “The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are derivative, trig jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are just basic. (But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.)”

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Hahaha nice!

        Our chemistry teacher used to tell us that at all the math parties he attended, the popular pick-up line was “hey baby, what’s your cosine?” (He may or may not have been kidding about the parties. He was that kind of guy. But I did see one guy use that line reasonably successfully at a party at university.)

        1. ScienceLady*

          That reminds me of the biology pickup line – “I wish I was helicase so I could unzip your genes.” Oh, science.

      2. LizB*

        Stats joke: Three statisticians go hunting and spot a deer. The first shoots at the deer, but their shot goes fifty yards wide to the left. The second shoots, but their shot goes fifty yards wide to the right. The third statistician jumps up and down and joyously shouts, “We got it! We got it!”

    8. HannahS*

      Background:
      The Edmonton NHL team is called the Edmonton Oilers.
      Joke:
      What are the mathletes at U Alberta called? The Edmonton Eulers!

      1. ScienceLady*

        What a supremely nerdy one – and I do of course mean that as the highest flattery!

    10. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      A tester walks into a bar. Orders one beer. Orders two beers. Orders null beers.

    11. Jemima Bond*

      One molecule says to another molecule, “I’ve lost one of my electrons!”
      Other molecule: “Are you sure?”
      First molecule: “Yes I’m positive”

    12. Nerdgal*

      A photon goes on vacation. When he arrives at the hotel, the bellhop says, “Sir, do you need help with your bags?” “No thanks,” the photon replies. “I’m traveling light.”

    13. Close Bracket*

      A physicist, and engineer, and a mathematician are all in a hotel at a conference. In the middle of the night, a fire breaks out. The physicist gets a bucket and and starts pouring water on the fire. The engineer designs a system of pipes transfer water from the faucet in their room over to the fire. The mathematician walks over to the sink, turns on the faucet, says, “a solution exists,” and goes back to bed.

  18. TL -*

    My new kitty is helping so much with my homesickness; she’s super cuddly and she fell into the toilet the other, which was pure comedy gold.
    The only problem is that now people are assuming I’m a cat person and bombarding me with cat stuff. I’m not a cat person at all and I’m only sharing stories/pics if asked. I love kitty, of course, but now I feel socially obligated to talk about cats with people who are interested in her *and* other cats. Shudder.
    (I feel the exact same way about babies, actually – the ones I’m related to are great but the rest of them are…eh.)

    What’s bringing joy into your life lately?

    1. nep*

      Absence of back pain.
      Connecting with a great friend after a long hiatus.
      Music.
      Reading.
      Health/ability to exercise.
      Milder temperatures and no snow on the ground.
      Always, always greatest joy is hanging with the toddler — hearing her laugh, watching her dance…all of it.

    2. Nicole76*

      I find that fascinating. I never considered myself a dog person but once I got one she was all I wanted to talk about. I’m assuming that your friends think the same for you with your new kitty.

      As for joy in my life recently … I’m excited that my favorite band will be releasing some remastered albums soon which will include new mixes of some of my favorite songs.

    3. LilySparrow*

      My garden is coming in nicely, and two sets of neighbors have caught the gardening bug! So now I can talk gardening with more people who are actually interested instead of their eyes glazing over.

      I am probably the garden version of your “cat people,” because I love gardens and will talk about them all the time with anybody. Cats & dogs, on the other hand, I can take or leave. I will pet them, play a bit, and watch funny/cute videos, but a conversation topic? Meh.

    4. Slartibartfast*

      Half way through a course to gain a new certification and expand my employment opportunities. Feeling a lot more confident about myself and my abilities. Hadn’t realized how bored I had been! Change is hard for me, so it’s surprising to find myself excited.

    5. VIT (Scotland)*

      I am right there with you on people assuming I want to talk about cats all the time. Yes, I love my cat. And honestly I love all cats that I meet.

      But….that only applies to physical cats that are in front of me. And if I haven’t met your cat (or your sister’s cat or some famous instagram cat), I just can’t get myself that worked up about it. And because I work with cats people assume I want cat earrings and t-shirts and tchotchkes and people are wrong.

      (I do realise I’m a curmudgeon and that people are just being nice and trying to connect with me and I appreciate that. Just, not all the time)

  19. bassclefchick*

    A dear friend came down to see me last weekend and we saw Les Miserables! Such a great show. Did not get enough time with my friend because she ended up having to work on Sunday. Darn it. We always have so much fun together. The show was awesome, got to catch up, just a lovely time.

    The Arts Center just announced next season’s shows. Something Rotten is coming! Has anyone seen it? I’ve heard some of the songs and they’re really funny. of course, the 2019-2020 season, Hamilton is coming. I really want to go, but I just don’t think I’ll be able to get tickets. The first time Book of Mormon came to town, it sold out within 2 hours. I know Hamilton will go faster.

    1. CAA*

      Yes! My daughter and I saw Something Rotten on Broadway with the original cast. It was hilarious and full of puns. If you like musicals and wordplay, definitely go.

      Hamilton was here earlier this year, but I didn’t attempt to see it. I did happen to be near the theater on the morning that tickets went on sale to the general public though, and there must have been a thousand people waiting a couple of hours before the box office opened. If you want to try for tickets without standing in line, watch for Ticket Master promotions where you can buy seats the day before the general sale, and there are also $10 ticket lotteries for every show. I’d recommend getting on whatever email lists your local theater has so that you get notified of opportunities. Good luck!

    2. Loves Libraries*

      We saw Something Rotten on Broadway. My daughter is a Shakespeare nerd and loved it.

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      Our local performing arts center just released the 2018-2019 schedule, and I am stoked. It includes Wicked, Rent, The Sound of Music, and Cats. Another local group will be doing Elf the Musical, Shrek the Musical, and Footloose, and another group is doing Singin’ in the Rain. I am SPOILED for things to do. We saw Book of Mormon the other night and loved it.

      1. bassclefchick*

        Our theater is saying you should subscribe to the 2018/19 season to guarantee seats for Hamilton in the 2019/20 season. They used to do a 5 (out of 7) show subscription with options for 6 or 7 shows. This year? They got rid of that and if you want to subscribe to the Broadway series, you HAVE to do all 7 shows. Even if I had that kind of money (lots of people in this town, do, however), the only show I want to see is Something Rotten. The other 6 don’t interest me at ALL.

        Yeah, don’t lie to me and tell me it’s a “better value”. I know perfectly well you’re making people subscribe to all 7 shows next year because Hamilton is coming.

  20. BRR*

    I’m looking for an arts and crafts hobby to take up but have no idea where to start. I’m imagining something like knitting but don’t want to knit. I wouldn’t mind sewing but I imagine there’s more of learning curve than I would like. Any thoughts?

    1. TL -*

      Crocheting might be good.
      Or that rug-making thing where you tie pieces of rugs on a pattern and even up with a picture rug.

      Or shrinky-dinks. You really can’t go wrong with shrinky-dinks.

      1. HannahS*

        Seconding crochet! I found crocheting considerably easier to learn than knitting (although I’m primarily a knitter now) and it’s very easy to mindlessly knit a blanket.

    4. Hellanon*

      Embroidery! One of the communities I follow on twitter, @womensart1, always features work from women around the world, and it’s frequently needlework-based. You can do patterns, scenes, or memes, I should think, and it doesn’t require the same equipment outlay that weaving does. Plus the stitches are really varied & require different techniques. My grandmother, a psychotherapist, was a traditional Freudian practitioner (couch and everything) and needlepointed while her patients talked; my mom still needlepoints as well.

    5. Lilo*

      Crochet is a lot simpler than knitting, and if you mess up, you just pull on it and do it again, where that’s tougher in knitting. You can also make a simple hat pretty quickly in crochet.

      1. Red Reader*

        “Where that’s tougher in knitting”

        Unless you’re doing it by accident, in which case when you pull on the wrong end the whole thing will disintegrate before you realize it. *sad trombone*

      2. stitchinthyme*

        How about chainmail? It’s not just for Renaissance fairs; I’ve made lots of jewelry that I’ve given as gifts. You can do some really cool things with some metal rings and a couple of pairs of pliers. You don’t even have to work in silver or anything expensive; they make rings in a variety of cheaper metals and in any color you could possibly want. And most of the learning curve is how to close your rings properly; the rest is just following instructions. There are tons of online resources that can help you get started.

        I also knit and crochet; of the two, crocheting is the more versatile; you can make anything from clothing and afghans to toys, wall hangings, and sculptures. But I love the look of knitted sweaters, so that’s why I learned to knit.

        1. Lilo*

          I will also note that, for me knitting can be a little tougher on the wrist (although it might just be my left one is just the weak one, and since I’m right handed, I don’t use the left as much in crochet).

    6. Short fuse*

      Learning basic stitches for sewing may be easier than you think. I learned to sew some after having my son. I made him baby toys and quiet books from felt. There are also some no-sew things you can do with fleece. I had a lot of fun!

    7. Marzipan*

      I’ve always found crochet easier than knitting, and it’s more straightforward to fix any mishaps (and to carry around with you, if that’s a thing you might want to do). Blocks are a good place to start – you can complete each one quite quickly and put them together into a blanket or what-have-you.

    8. Sylvan*

      Quilling is easy to start learning and paper is way less expensive than yarn.

      You will find like three people to talk about it with, max, though. Knitting and crocheting come with a lot of people sharing tips and patterns in person and online.

    9. Chris S*

      What about weaving? You can start with pretty simple stuff on laptop- or tabletop-type loom, and see whether you like it before tackling bigger/more complex things. And there’s a huge range of possible growth directions if you enjoy it.

    10. Slartibartfast*

      Tatting. My MIL does this, very old skill and not many people do it these days, but it’s knotting thread to make lace. Very portable.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I had to look at this one twice. At first I thought you meant tattooing. (I guess that could be a hobby, too.)

    11. Combinatorialist*

      If you have a sewing machine and the money for fabric, quilting is really not that hard (or it doesn’t have to be — obviously the fanciest stuff requires high skill)

    12. LilySparrow*

      I’d also recommend crochet, because it’s simple to learn and requires very little in the way of startup gear (a hook and a skein of yarn). There are also lots of fun/useful/cute things you can make pretty quickly out of one or more basic squares or small rectangles: coffee mug cozies, coasters, potholders, baby bonnets or booties, fingerless mitts, bookmarks, all kinds of things.

    13. Kuododi*

      Personally I taught myself how to make beaded jewelry ages ago. I had some psych RN friends who were Native American. I used to salivate over their jewelry regularly and then decided I could learn how to replicate those designs. (Couple of library books on the subject, a few trips to the craft store for supplies and I was off to the races!!!) My RN friends took me under their wings and taught me many wonderful beaded patterns. Unfortunately my hands are now eaten up with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome so I’m unable to stay up with the beadwork.

    14. oranges & lemons*

      My general advice would be to think about what kind of things you want to make and work backwards. Personally I am motivated by fun projects, so usually what gets me into a new craft is seeing what kinds of things other people have made. I also don’t have much interest in any crafts that will make me accumulate a bunch of items that I don’t really want.

      One fibrey suggestion I have is needle felting, particularly if you enjoy stabbing things. It’s basically a kind of sculpture where you take bits of wool and stab them into the shape you want with needles. I find it very soothing and easy to learn (although the needles are sharp so if you’re adverse to accidentally stabbing yourself sometimes, this might not be the craft for you).

      1. LilySparrow*

        We tried this with the kids. There are different types of holders & surface pads you can get to make it safer for your fingers. Downside is, the safety gear limits what you can make and how much fine detail you can achieve.

        1. oranges & lemons*

          Yeah, it’s really the small, detailed projects where I’ve had the most trouble with the self-stabbing. It doesn’t really bother me, though.

    15. Jemima Bond*

      Fwiw don’t believe the hype from grumpy old women – sewing is not that hard. Especially not quilting which is mostly straight lines. You just follow instructions; it’s like cooking. My motto when learning was “eh, how hard can it be?” – spoiler alert; the answer is usually, “not very”.
      Also remember if you are making a skirt for yourself or a baby quilt for dewy-eyed new parents, this is not inspected by strict judges. I have a lovely cross-stitch picture made by a friend featuring my motto for happy sewing: “F*** it, that’ll do”!
      But why not go to a large newsagent or supermarket magazine rack and pick up a few examples (the ones with starter kits would be good) and see what inspires you to read about and makes you think, I would really love to do that! I have made some fairly involved beadwork jewellery and I learnt it all from magazines.

    16. The New Wanderer*

      I think it depends on what kind of accomplishment you want at the end. Some crafts allow you to complete a project in an hour or two, and others require investing weeks of effort for one big final project. The skills can be roughly the same, it comes down to how much patience you have and how much of the finished projects you want (I maxed out on scarves about a month after I learned to knit!). Or you can scale up and scale down as you like too.

      For example, I have now done two bed-size quilts. They took for-EVER (about three weeks each of a few hours per day) but the actual skills involved were minimal (straight line stitching). But I also made some curling iron travel pouches and hot pads using quilting skills that took about an hour and a half each.

      For knit or crochet, you could do a lot of little squares where each one is an accomplishment in itself and doesn’t require a lot of time or counting, and later put them together for a blanket or scarf if you want.

      I’ll also throw art out there as a hobby option. Personally I love water colors. You can get water color pencils or crayons for finer control or use the paint sets or both together.

  21. bassclefchick*

    Speaking of musicals, I’ve been listening to The West Wing Weekly podcast. One of the hosts has said he doesn’t really like musicals at all. Which is fine, everyone has different tastes. But then, he said the first show he ever saw on Broadway was Hamilton. I really can’t say why, but that kind of made me mad. Nope, you can’t jump on the Hamilton bandwagon AND say you don’t like musicals.

    Insert “the signal” here! Anyone else listen to West Wing Weekly and have an opinion on this? Could just be me.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I am only up to mid S2 on the podcast, but I’ve heard some of the talk about this and eh. As a life long musical fan, I’m not into the Hamilton hype.

      I do love Josh and Hrishi though.

      1. bassclefchick*

        I’m about to finish season 2. I am also a life long musical fan and am really on the fence with Hamilton. I’ve heard some of the songs, and I know I would enjoy the show. But I’m also willing to wait until the movie comes out.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Same here re: Hamilton. I’ve heard some of the songs and I know I would enjoy it, but the hype is just off-putting.

          Of course, I also only read/watched Harry Potter about 4 years ago because the hype put me off, so do with that what you will lol.

      2. AngelicGamer, aka the Visually Impaired Peep*

        Josh and Hrishi are an awesome duo and I like their interview / recap style. I know they probably write a script to it and all but it’s amazing. As for musicals / Hamilton – I get the hype but I’m not part of it. :) I have a feeling it was made for those people who don’t like musicals considering the style of the songs but that’s just me.

        I’m midway through part 1 of Two Cathedrals. They have Lawrence O’Donnell as a guest and how he came to be cast as President Bartlett’s father is one of the best right place / right time situations. Only because he was perfect for the part and, whenever he wears glasses at MSNBC, my mind will sometimes flash back to that part.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I love the guests that they get. Not just actors, but when they bring on people to talk about various political issues in the context of the show.

          The last ep I listened to was right before their holiday break at the end of 2016.

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      There are different kinds of musicals, though. I haven’t listened to Hamilton and also don’t like American/British* musicals in general, but from what people say about it on the Internet Hamilton seems pretty different from a lot of other musicals. It’s very possible that he doesn’t like Oliver, Wicked, Guys and Dolls, etc. but something about Hamilton doesn’t cause the “Ugh, musical” reaction in him.

      *I specify because I’ve met a lot of fans of musicals who have never watched an Indian musical.

    3. Laura H*

      I don’t listen to it, but I do think it’s odd- and simultaneously reasonable.

      Every musical is different. I like Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, The Sound of Music, Singin’ in the Rain, White Christmas, and The Music Man- to name a nice handful. I like them all for different reasons really.

      Some speak to me more than others.

      Some people just don’t like musicals… But that means MORE JOY FOR ME!

    4. fposte*

      I love WWW (found out about it here–thanks, caledonia!) and I’m immensely fond of Hamilton. I have no problem with Hrishi’s general aversion to musicals and liking for Hamilton. I personally suspect that he’d find a lot of exceptions to his “I don’t like musicals” (the trick is, as we all know, to avoid the ones with the hoedowns) but that life’s short enough that I understand his not wanting to keep trying.

    5. Zen*

      Agree with above that there are different types of musicals, much like there are different genres of music in general. I’m not sure if I’d call myself a musicals fan, even though I’m obsessed with one or two shows, and am happy to go watch them, but not in the way some people can be completely hyped up by new shows.

        1. Caledonia*

          Josh looks to be wearing red with a yellow trim. Hrishi I am not sure…Maybe yellow? He is wearing some fab mustard yellow boots.

    7. LemonLyman*

      HUGE TWWW fan over here and even bigger Hamilton fan! (My love for the actual WW TV show and Hamilton are probably equal.)

      I understand Hrishi’s aversion to traditional musicals. There’s almost a formula to them and, let’s be honest, he probably would have a hard time finding a principle musical actor who looked even somewhat like him. The fact that actors of color play the historical figures in Hamilton adds a layer to the storytelling. As LMM has explained, it’s American history from back then told by eople who reflect America today. Hamilton also has influence from a variety of different music, (rap, hip-hop, traditional musicals, Prince, the Beatles, to name a few) so for these reasons it’s found a fan base in different a variety of people – even people who don’t traditionally gravitate toward musicals. That’s why so many people are so pumped on it who don’t usually gravitate to musicals. Let’s be honest, people can dislike musicals and enjoy Hamilton. There’s nothing wrong with that!

      For those who haven’t seen it yet, go to YouTube and search for “Hamilton White House poetry jam” and select the video of LMM performing in the Obama White House. This was the rough draft to the opening Hamilton number!

      P.S. I’m obsessed with the show so if you’re interested in learning a little more, feel free to ask. Also, I can recommend other things to read/watch if you want an additional primer!

    9. all aboard the anon train*

      It’s not really that unusual of a statement. I know a lot of people who say they don’t like musicals, but then say they only like One Popular Musical. It’s sort of like saying you don’t like comic book movies, but the first one you saw was Wonder Woman or Black Panther and loved it. There’s nothing wrong with it.

      You’re allowed to dislike an entire genre aside from one popular component of that genre.

      Honestly – and this isn’t aimed at you personally – I’ve seen this feeling a lot in musical theatre circles and it’s a unsettling kind of gatekeeping. There’s a reason why those big popular bandwagon musicals tend to have a larger and more diverse fanbase than some of the smaller or less popular musicals. They’re geared toward a broader audience and in Hamilton’s case I really do know a lot of people who enjoyed Hamilton but dislike musical theatre otherwise. I don’t think it’s fair to cherrypick their feelings on musicals just because they happen to like one show and not the majority of them.

    10. Totally Minnie*

      Only somewhat related, I tried listening to the first episode of West Wing Weekly after someone recommended it here, and I was sort of put off by Josh. It felt like every other sentence was “have I mentioned I know Aaron Sorkin in real life?” And I know that he does, and I expected it to come up, but it just feels like a lot. Does that lighten up over time?

      And on the topic of musicals, I agree that it’s silly to say you don’t like musicals and then be all about Hamilton. I mean, I can see why Hamilton would speak to a West Wing fan in a particular way, but it does kind of feel like trying to be culturally relevant.

      1. Caledonia*

        Not really, no. There are frequent mentions from Sorkin on from Josh. Maybe re-frame it as Josh has a lot of admiration for Sorkin?

        1. LemonLyman*

          And a LOT of Josh’s career is due to being cast in Sorkin-penned stuff. I don’t get the sense he’s doing it to be braggy. They’ve know each other for a very long time.

      2. LemonLyman*

        I don’t understand why it would be “silly.” I bet there are musical fans out there who don’t like at least one particular musical. For example, say someone tells people they love musicals but it turns out they don’t like Cats. Do they have to now stop calling themselves a fan of musicals? There’s one they don’t like! So they must not be an actual fan. It’s fine for a person to say they aren’t a fan of the genre but enjoy Hamilton (or any one random show). Hamilton doesn’t fit the mold of the traditional musical with show tunes and such.

        It’s not much different than me saying I’m not a fan of country music, but I do enjoy one to two particular songs. I can still call myself “not a fan” of the overall genre but enjoy a couple specific songs.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          This. I dislike a lot of popular musicals a lot of the older staples. It doesn’t make me less of a true fan because I prefer Next to Normal or Blood Brothers or The Last 5 Years over The Music Man or Wicked or Rent. Just as someone preferring all the big blockbusters to Sondheim or lesser known musicals doesn’t make them any less of a fan.

    11. Thursday Next*

      I love musicals. American/British ones, Bollywood, blockbuster, and niche. Hamilton got so much hype that I was kind of resistant to seeing it. But the day after the 2016 presidential election, I said F it, and bought tickets to benefit LMM’s father’s charter schools. I’m so glad I saw it, and the timing could not have been more perfect.

      Seeing a blockbuster musical that turned casting conventions on their head, so people of color were the primary characters, was inspiring. That, plus the musical genre(s), combined to make Hamilton a more accessible and relatable experience than, say, the original 1980s productions of Les Mis or Phantom of the Opera. It makes sense that it would draw audiences outside the traditional Broadway buffs.

      1. LemonLyman*

        Thanks for sharing, Thursday. I think a lot of us who love this particular musical love it not because it’s a musical but because of what it is, who it is, and when it is… it really speaks to some of us in ways that it probably doesn’t or even can’t speak to others.

        Also, sometimes the way a story is told can really make or break the actual story and DANG can LMM tell a story! This isn’t a new story. It’s a founding father of our country. How boring, right? But the way this story is told is done in a fresh new way…

    12. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I hate musicals but I really enjoyed Hamilton. Not enough to jump on the ‘buying everything in the shop and the show recording CD’, but I thought it was extremely well done.

      For me I think I always equated musicals to a lot of jumping down, noise, and campy pop. I mean, I like opera, so Hamilton didn’t seem like much of a stretch from that.

    13. Alice*

      The part about not seeing any Broadway shows before this one does make me think “so how do you know you don’t like X if you’ve never tried it?!” But maybe he doesn’t live in New York, and he’s seen some musicals in other cities, and “Broadway shows” means literally ones being performed on Broadway.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        I can’t remember if this is entirely correct, but he did say he’d seen movie musicals and school/college productions, and I totally get why people would be turned off by musicals from movie musicals alone since most of them aren’t great or follow a very standard convention.

        1. LemonLyman*

          I think he also said he wasn’t a big fan of the type of musi typically in musicals…the show tuniness (my phrase, not his).

    14. Grad Student*

      I love TWWW, and I love Hamilton, and Hrishi’s preferences don’t bother me in the slightest. (I listened to the latest ep, about Hamilton with Lin-Manuel Miranda and Thomas Kail, two days before I finally got to see Hamilton on Broadway! It was the best!)

    15. bassclefchick*

      You guys have given me a LOT to think about! I really appreciate it. I LOVE musicals! But even I have shows I didn’t like and/or have no interest in seeing. Some of my friends are the same way. One or two shows they don’t care for or a composer they can’t stand.

      I honestly wasn’t sure about Hamilton myself because I really DO NOT like hip-hop. But, a few songs have come up on my Pandora playlists and it surprised me how much I liked them! I guess my problem with Hrishi’s statement was that he’s so adamant about not liking them, but jumped on the Hamilton bandwagon. Though that could be because he’s gotten to see it and I haven’t. LOL. I also rolled my eyes when Joshua said he’s been seeing shows on Broadway for most of his life. Which, I suppose, is what you do when you live in/near NYC. However, those of us in flyover country don’t have the luxury of getting to NYC, much less going to shows all the time. Again, that’s probably jealousy on my part.

      I appreciate all the comments! This is why I love this community!

    16. Someone else*

      I might be misremembering this, but I think the guys behind that podcast actually ended up friendly with Lin (or already were?) So Hamilton being their first/only musical probably has less to do with bandwagoning and more to do with knowing Lin personally.

  22. Blue Anne*

    Hey folks. Checking in. People here where very supportive when I was having a bit of a mental break a week or so ago and asked me to check back.

    I’m not okay but I’m coping with the help of a freaking awesome community. I looked at my finances and decided it wasn’t really feasible, after all, for me to completely skip out on work until my new job starts. But I talked to my boss and told him that I wasn’t going to be working much more than normal full time for the rest of tax season. I don’t think he was pleased, or necessarily believes my reasons, but he said okay.

    I am blessed to have a bunch of really amazing people around me. I put out the “I’m having really scary thoughts and do not have time to be hospitalized” call and they responded beautifully. My boyfriend came over and helped me prep a week’s worth of healthy food. My assistant picked up all my weekend appointments, and cleared up the worst of the depression-mess around my house. Friends have been messaging me to check in (suspect they organized a rota) and someone left cookies and flowers at my front door. Comrades have been taking updates on my responsibilities and reading them out at political meetings instead of me having to go. Even on my town’s facebook page (which is the main place I get leads for my side business) when people have tagged me, others have commented saying stuff like “Blue Anne is super busy right now! Everyone please leave her alone for a couple weeks!” Again my assistant’s doing I think.

    Biggest deal is actually my mom regularly checking in on me by text and being really happy that I’m doing better but not making a huge deal of it. In the past she has kind of encouraged my tendency to just work myself into breakdown and then pushed me to get back on my feet ASAP with a “if my daughter is suicidal, it makes me suicidal, so you shouldn’t be suicidal” thing. This is way better, and I’m not sure what prompted the change but it’s making a huge difference. My grandma is also only calling me on the weekends, which is awesome because while I LOVE her, we have some business dealings together and I just don’t have the spoons to do anything but make sure they’re not exploding right now.

    I was really embarrassed to show any weakness or let up on any of the stuff I’m doing. Not really sure what possessed me to post about it here other than it being work-related and anonymous, but I’m so glad I did. It genuinely hadn’t occurred to me that it was okay to ask for support from my tribe until people here pointed out that, you know, me surviving is more important than my work. Thank you so much.

    1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      I’ve been looking for your updates. Glad to hear from you.

      Sounds like you have some awesome people around you!

      Keep taking care of you. Work is work, but there’s only one you. *internet hug*

      1. Blue Anne*

        Thank you. I really appreciated your email offer, even though I didn’t take you up on it.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I haven’t been around the weekend threads much lately, but I’m glad to hear that you reached out and asked for help, both virtually and in person, and that things are slowly improving.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Thanks for the update — sounds like lots of positive stuff from a genuinely awesome Team You. Not-okay-but-coping (and talking about it) is a good place to be, IMO, when you have people around you holding you up. Sending you good vibes for continued progress. :)

    4. fposte*

      I’m so glad that things are on a slightly firmer footing and that your people are rallying.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      For a difficult situation you have a lot of things going right, like building Team You. I can see where this is still difficult but you have set yourself on a good path. Thanks for the update and I wish you the best. Keep us posted when you can.

    7. Caledonia*

      Asking for help is actually the opposite of showing weakness.

      I am glad to hear you have a good group around you to help you during this time.

    8. Thursday Next*

      I’m so happy to read this update. Hurray for you, for telling your boss what you needed. It sounds like you have a great Team Blue Anne!

      And I’m glad your mother is giving you support that she about you, and not about managing her feelings. That’s a paradigm shift!

      1. Blue Anne*

        That part of it honestly blows my mind. In the past, we’ve had conversations where my mom has said things like “I don’t understand what you mean when you say the word ‘boundaries'” and “You say that thing I did drove you to hurt yourself, but I did the right thing and I would do it again”.

        I kind of wish I knew where it was coming from, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth here.

    10. dawbs*

      I’m glad, and I hope you continue to have good support.
      I hope your work stuff gets easier and I hope you keep good resources.

    11. Belle di Vedremo*

      Thank you for updating us. Good to hear that things are improving if not yet great, that your tribe has rallied around you, and that your boss could listen to reason even without liking it. Sounds like you found a terrific assistant.

      More internet hugs if you’d like them.

    12. Recently Diagnosed*

      A little late here, but fight on, depression-warriors! I’m so SO glad you have a great support system. We’re here for you and rooting for you!

  23. The Cosmic Avenger*

    Hey Dopameanie, first off, I love the FIGHT ME! threads. My real-life friends and I taunt and tease each other gently but frequently. If any of us come up with controversial opinions and want to do a FIGHT ME! thread to banter about them, I think it would be better to start a new thread rather than comment on yours to start a new subthread. What do you all think? (I mostly wanted to ask Dopameanie, but I’m curious what the rest of the commenters think.)

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      Personally the FIGHT ME’s aren’t my cup of tea and it would be easiest to skip them if they were all contained in one thread per weekend, kind of like the Best and Worsts that someone (I’m terrible with names) used to start each week (and maybe still does and I’m unobservant). Just my $.02.

    4. Lissa*

      I like the threads, but I think one thread or maybe two would be good, otherwise it could take over and become less fun. Or maybe a theme, like unpopular opinions: movies! or unpopular opinions: food! I think multiple threads might mean diminishing returns.

  24. Parenthetically*

    Any Australian Rules Football fans about the place? We’re not caught up on round 4, but I’d love to talk about round 3! And football in general!

    1. Paige*

      Do you mean the AFL? I used to have a flatmate who was from Melbourne and was mad about it. He tried to teach me the rules but I just gave up lol. The only thing I remember is that Collingwood is evil.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, Australian Rules football is the name of the sport, the AFL is the name of the league… for some reason?

        And yes, that is a good thing to remember! :D

    2. Mouse*

      Go Richmond Tigers! That said, I don’t really follow or watch except grand finals. Did have a couple “tears of joy” last year.

      1. Parenthetically*

        You really did! I love Ben Brown even though he looks like Sideshow Bob. (Cats supporter here.)

  25. Myrin*

    I‘ve thought about posting this in the work thread but I reckon it‘s actually about people being horrible in a more general sense and these experiences just so happened to happen at work. Let me know if it‘s more fitting for next week‘s work thread regardless!

    Okay, first of all, warning for transphobia.

    As many of you know, I work two part-time jobs at the moment. One is in the kitchen of a local inn where I mostly work with the owners, Waiter Boss and her husband Chef Boss.

    So much for setting the scene.

    Now, I actually like both of them (Chef Boss more than Waiter Boss, though). We get along well and even if we don‘t agree on something, there’s never any animosity or bad feelings. They have a strong work ethic, are very good at what they do, and Waiter Boss, who is technically the “real” boss as the business is in her name, always makes sure everything regarding my emplyoment and weird bureaucratic stuff that goes along with it works smoothly and correctly.

    I’ve known them to be friendly and warm-hearted, if somewhat conservative or “behind the times”, if you will. By that, I mean, of the “I don’t understand a lot about The Gays and can’t quite shake the old-fashioned thoughts about them I grew up with but I like him and his boyfriend anyway” variety.

    Now, this past Tuesday, two of the guests were a transwoman and her mother. And I was completely shocked and appalled at how Waiter Boss spoke about them. She misgendered the transwoman, made fun of her mother (who I later met on my way to the toilet and who was perfectly friendly and polite), was shocked that the woman also has kids who apparently viewed it as completely normal that their father is now their second mother which is obviously an outrage and anyway isn’t it appalling how all of that stuff “is viewed as normal nowadays”? (Tangent: I would love to live in a world where being trans is seen as normal, but I digress.) She also used a very nasty way to refer to the woman that doesn’t lend itself very well to translating into English; maybe “the operated-on one” would be the closest, I think? It was mindblowingly insensitive and offensive, to say the least.

    She didn’t say any of that to me, just kinda talked at Chef Boss who kind of non-committally “hmm”ed along. It’s pretty normal for me to just be pottering around in the background and the two of them talking amongst themselves, kind of forgetting/ignoring that I‘m there. I fled to the bathroom as soon as I could because I was so horrified. I almost started crying. I have no idea why that affected me so strongly – I was less upset in the past when people said nasty stuff about groups I actually belong to! As it stands, I’m not trans myself and don’t have anyone I‘m close to who is trans, either, but somehow, I was obsessing about this for the rest of the day.

    I’m wondering if it‘s one of these situations where you find out that people aren’t who you thought they are? I mean, yeah, they’ve not been the most woke people in the past and when I later told my mum about it, she went “And you are surprised by this why exactly?” and yeah, I’m not surprised at finding out that Waiter Boss finds trans people weird but rather at the pure viciousness of her words. I’m still reeling when I think about it too strongly and it’s been five days.

    Now on the one hand, this isn’t particularly likely to come up again anytime soon (unless this woman and her mother decided they liked it so much that they want to become regulars which oh my god please no that would be a cruel irony); I’ve worked there for three years now and this was the first time this topic has come up so I’d say the probability of it occurring again soon is low. On the other hand, I’m really, really disappointed and really, really angry. I’ve lost a lot of respect for her that day.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, that’s always hard. You think people are casseroles, so your bite of them is what’s there throughout, but it turns out that you’re just nibbling at the corner of a whole buffet table and there’s a lot of rotting broccoli when you get further down.

      While you don’t have to say anything, you could consider doing that later if you’d be comfortable doing so. I’m reluctant to make cross-cultural/linguistic references about phraseology, but it seems to me the fact that you have respected them and that you have information they don’t is a place to start; you’re not going for changing their minds on the spot, just filling in their picture a little that they way they’re talking is out of date and maybe associated with [groups they don’t like].

      As I said, I’d be thinking of this not so much to change minds now as to plant a seed, and also for you to get a little more resolution. But I also understand why you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that and you just want to back off of the buffet.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        By the way, I really like this analogy.

        It’s really tough when you find out someone you thought was a decent person turns out not to be the person you thought they were. The longer you’ve known them and/or the more established the relationship or the more you liked/respected them, the harder it can be :(

      2. Myrin*

        That’s a very helpful reply (with a great analogy), thank you so much. I’ll see if I can follow your advice in the future – I have done the “seed-planting” before (with them, but also in general) and it always seems to have worked well.

        Another thing about both of my bosses (strangely!), which very certainly added in an unfortunate way to this situation, is that they can be quite moody. Not in a general sense but more like, sometimes every other guest seems to catch them on the wrong foot. Sometimes neither will blink an eye when a customer asks for a three extras and weird combinations and for “more of this but less of that” and so on, and at other times they’ll get so annoyed by someone asking for a sharper knife for their elderly father.

        (Just out of curiosity, what do you mean by the “references about phraseology”? It’s probably super obvious but my brain is very mushy since I just came home from my other job an hour ago. If you mean you’d suggest a specific wording but it wouldn’t work because I’m not speaking to them in English then yes, that struggle is indeed real. So often, I read really great phrasing on here which I basically can’t use at all because there’s no adequate translation.)

        1. fposte*

          Wow, that was really badly phrased on my part; sorry! Yes, I meant there’s not much point in my suggesting a phrase when it has to turn into German, and even the emotional strategies that would drive my word choices might not work in a different culture.

    2. TootsNYC*

      I think the strength of your reaction is that it was just so mean. Directly mean to them, and then mean-sounding words expressed elsewhere in your hearing.

      I think it’s very traumatic to witness people being mean. We don’t have to be part of a marginalized community to understand the idea of being mean.

      It makes people feel deeply unsafe. If she can suddenly be that mean, verbally, what other lines are there that she won’t cross?

      If you decide you want to say something, I’d focus more on that–that it was mean, which shocked you because it seemed so unlike her, and it made you feel that this attacking behavior could show up at any time.

      1. fposte*

        A slight digression, in that yesterday in the supermarket I saw the converse: a customer who was clearly struggling with both cognitive function and emotional regulation went off verbally on the checker and the customer behind her, and both of them handled it really, really well. Other customer was cool, kind, and unruffled in the face of being yelled at, neither shrinking away nor pushing back, and the checker, despite being very young, had a nice line in supporting people without throwing anybody under the bus (“I think we’re all just trying to help each other out, ma’am”). I was very impressed with their composure.

      2. Myrin*

        Yeah, I think that’s exactly it. I still would have reacted negatively to the sentiment alone expressed in a different manner, but her biting, scathing tone and mean word choices were what got to me.

      3. Myrin*

        Oh, and just because I might have been unclear on that in my original comment: She was perfectly lovely to their faces. Everything I described happened back in the kitchen. That’s what I found especially heartbreaking (although I’m obviously happy for them that they didn’t have to actually face her negativity), since they actually seemed to really like the establishment, service, and food.

      4. LilySparrow*

        And if you felt comfortable addressing it with her, this would be a way she might understand.

        “When I heard all the mean things you said about that customer, it made me wonder what you say about me behind my back.”

        But personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying anything that personal to my boss. A close friend or family member, or even a friendly co-worker, yes. But not my boss.

    3. Slartibartfast*

      Yeah, I think it’s the disappointment of finding out these people you liked are capable of this hatred. Similar but far less severe, I took a job working for someone top in her field, stellar business reputation and widely respected personally and professionally. At a staff meeting, she lef with “So we’ve hired a Mexican to do the yard work…” Completely shattered the image I had created in my head about what I considered a dream job, and that shift in reality left me reeling more than it felt like it should have. I would absolutely be feeling punched in the gut if I were in your shoes.

    4. Triple Anon*

      I can relate! I also get upset when people say mean things about other groups of people. It really gets to me sometimes. It’s like witnessing an act of violence. And then I have to wonder how much I should judge the person for it. We all have problems, and we’re all a product of our experiences, but we are also all responsible for our words and actions. So when do you walk away?

      That’s something I’ve struggled with. I know a few people who’ve gotten more prejudiced with time. Often it appears to be the direct result of some kind of unhappiness that they’re not dealing with well, and/or getting information from bad sources. So sometimes I try to talk to them about it. But that’s never been productive as far as I know. So I’m getting more judgmental and better at cutting ties with people who are mean, whether it’s to me or someone else.

      I don’t know . . . The way I’ve dealt with that stuff is to be glad I’m empathetic enough to have that kind of reaction, and to try and learn from it – to let it make me more empathetic for the people in whatever group it is and what they have to deal with.

  26. Ruth (UK)*

    So, after my worrying post last weekend, I have decided I’m feeling rather optimistic about my half marathon tomorrow despite the fact I’ve basically done the opposite of tapering. Basically, instead of training for however many months and then easing off in the last few weeks, I have instead not trained at all in the last 6 months or so, but done more physical activity in the last few days than I normally do.

    By the way, this was not some sort of odd tactic. This just happened. An additional dance practice happened on Thursday evening (a night I don’t regularly dance) and then on Friday I ended up being on my feet all day at work (in a job where I don’t sit down constantly, but do normally do more sitting than standing/walking). And I mean, I really did end up walking/standing -all- day.

    But anyway, I plan to just take it easy and I’m feeling fairly confident in my ability to finish, even if it won’t be a ‘good’ time (where ‘good’ here means close to what I got previously).

    3. Bazinga*

      Most runners have that race that you’re not really prepared for. As you said, no worries about pace, just enjoy.

  27. Zen Cohen*

    About a year and a half ago I left my job and a great college town that I loved for an amazing career opportunity for my partner. We moved to a fancy suburb near a big city with a much different vibe. Shortly thereafter I found out I was pregnant with my second kid. I was working in a crummy job with a long commute so after baby #2 was born I elected to take some time off and be a stay at home parent.

    My baby is close to a year now, and I feel so lost. Being alone with kids all day is simultaneously really stressful and SO BORING. Plus I don’t really have any friends in the area and I haven’t really been able to find my tribe. My husband and I are still fairly young and establishing ourselves and everyone around us feels so…fancy. We don’t make that much money compared to most folks in our area.

    I am thinking about going back to work but childcare for two kids would cost more than I make and it would add a huge amount of stress to our home life. There are real advantages to having someone who reliably had time to do the laundry and have dinner on the table!

    I know I probably have to stay home for another year, but I’m struggling with loss of identity, lack of friends, and the loss of self-esteem that comes from having a thankless (from my kids–my husband is incredibly aware of all I do), draining, invisible job that is all about other people.

    I just don’t feel like ME anymore. How so I get through this? Has anyone else taken time out of the workforce that turned out ok? What do I do about the monotony and lack of adult identity?

    1. Short fuse*

      I certainly sympathize with what you’re going through. I’ve been home for three years now, in an area with no friends and just my mom and husband for family. I’m also wondering how to find myself again. Having my son is the best thing ever but I need some adult stimulation! The one thing that always helps me is when we can get a date night. Luckily my mom is an amazing LyLy and encourages us to take time for ourselves. As for going back to work one day I would love to see what helped others after staying home with little ones.

    2. Mouse*

      Maybe you could try taking up a potentially profitable hobby that’s child-compatible? I.e. knitting or crocheting clothing, or cooking classes – you might be able to join up with some adult company in the process by joining a group, don’t lose money on child care, but are still sort of working towards making some money (obviously such things can’t be relied upon, but if it was some form of clothes-making that may save you money in short order too).

      This of course assumes you’re in any way interested in such things!

    3. Loves Libraries*

      I feel your pain. I was a SAHM for my 3 and it was exhausting and boring. Things like Sunday school, book club, and bunco saved me with getting adult interaction and a little wine. This too shall pass. We are now empty nesters.

      1. Windchime*

        I was a SAHM mom for about that long, too, and I also found it exhausting and boring. One day, I was reading a book to one of the kids for what felt like the umpteenth time, and tears started running down my cheeks at the thought that this was all I would ever do. Read books and wipe butts.

        I went job hunting and went back to work after that. But that was in the days before childcare for two toddlers was thousands of dollars a month.

        Could you maybe get a part-time evening job? Just to get out of the house and meet some people?

    4. CBE*

      Working isn’t all or nothing. It doesn’t have to be full time or not at all.
      Find a balance. If you can work part time, teach a class one night a week, freelance, do occasional volunteering/mentoring with high school or college students if that’s a thing in your field, etc.
      I was a SAHM parent for many years, and felt very much like you did at first, but I found my balance with freelance and teaching classes one night a week. It wasn’t about the money, it was about being ME and using my brain professionally.

    5. Bazinga*

      Find something for you. Look at Meetups in your area, classes, any sort of hobby that will get you out of the house sometimes.
      You need to find something to do for you. Weekends, evenings when your husband is working, anytime.
      Maybe find some other moms in the area and trade off some babysitting? I know you said you’ve had a hard time clicking with anyone, but there is someone out there. Some mom group, or even just one or two people, who are feeling the same way.

    6. neverjaunty*

      First, your husband really should show that appreciation in a concrete way – taking the kids for long stretches (to the extent things like nursing allow) so you can Go Be An Adult somewhere. Whether or not you have time to spend with other adults, having a few uninterrupted hours to sit at a cafe or read a book, or even just eat a meal you didn’t have to cook, is gold.

      Also, at least in the long term, “my salary minus childcare costs” is bad math if you stop there. What are the opportunity costs of staying out of the workforce? What benefit in terms of mental health and mood would you get if you worked?

      And a job doesn’t necessarily have to be full-time paid career work; there are lots of options like a half-day in nursery school a day or two a week, or having a regular nanny or sitter for the afternoon.

    7. TootsNYC*

      I’m w/ Mouse–maybe you need a hobby. The best would be one that takes you out of the house a couple of times a week and makes you interact with other people.

      Like volunteering, or a book club (if you can find one for younger folks).

    8. Slartibartfast*

      I got through by playing World of Warcraft after bedtime. Husband worked nights and it was my space to be an adult, far more affordable than any “real life” option and I have virtual friendships that have lasted over a decade now. Never played video games really before I started either.

    9. Forking Great Username*

      I also ended up being a SAHM because it seemed to make sense, and ended up hating it. Loving my kids, but feeling frustrated and bored and like I’d lost myself somehow. My job before having kids had been kind of crappy, so I chose to go back to school. Financially, things have been pretty tight – but it has my mental state in a MUCH better place, and I would definitely say my husband and kids have benefitted from that even through the house is a bit messier and dinner is never anything fancy.

      Is it feasible to work part time? (I know that in some areas, part time childcare is hard to come by.) If not, try to start some sort of habit or activity that just revolves around you! Go out walking/jogging after dinner, take a class, join a group, etc.

    10. Natalie*

      I don’t love the equation of work = childcare costs, ergo work is pointless. I know a lot of couples where at least one person’s income goes to things they could theoretically do themselves (home maintenance, cleaning, food prep, etc). For some reason it’s only childcare where you’re not entitled to work unless it’s a profitable venture.

      Working outside the home sounds like it’s important to you independent of the money you would be making. That gives it intrinsic value.

    11. Sybil Fawlty*

      Hi Zen,

      I was in that position too, for many years. It was hard, there is no doubt! Sometimes it absolutely is the right decision to stay home with children and I’m going to take your word that this is your situation. Others have given you good suggestions, and here’s a few that worked for me.
      Flylady.net saved my sanity. The housework has to get done, or you are in crisis very quickly. Having a plan to get it out of the way quickly and easily gave me options to do other things.
      Another thing I did was meet another stay at home mom at Denny’s at 9pm every Tuesday. By this time, the kids were in bed, and my husband was home. He didn’t really do anything for them during this time, but of course he was there if needed.
      Church has been a big help, it’s free, and there should be other stay at home moms there. Just pick one with the activities and schedule you want. I don’t know about other faith traditions, but I’m sure they have resources and options too. They frequently have playgroups or women’s Bible studies (usually mostly conversation and a few verses).
      And I want to say that it’s such an important job! I know it doesn’t feel that way, but truly this time will pay huge benefits in the future. Building relationships with your children is a life-long process, and you are front and center now.
      Equal parenting didn’t work in my family, and it’s not always an option, so don’t feel like you’re doing something wrong. You’re doing what is best for your family right now, and that will change. Hang in there!

    12. Alice in Crazyland*

      You are in the hardest part of parenthood, in my opinion. The most important thing is to make sure that you have time to be Zen Cohen, not just Mom or Wife. Doing something that reminds you who you are and makes you happy is super important. How much time you need is up to you. Some parents need an hour every other week, some need to work full time. Getting Out of the House is essential.
      The other thing to do is find places to go so you are not staring at the Same Four Walls all the time. One thing I found helpful was memberships to a kid’s museum and a zoo so that I wasn’t “wasting” money if I left after an hour. I would go once a week & try to stay at least as long as travel time. Bonus if I could time it so they would fall asleep on the way home.
      Something else is that finding new mom friends (or SAHD) is a lot like dating. There are a lot of people out there but the finding the right ones can take a lot of time and false starts. Hanging out where there are other parents is a good place to start. My second child was almost a year before I started finding my people. Inviting them to go with me to the above mentioned zoo & museum were low commitment, have me a lot on insight into who that person was, and occasionally bonded us through whatever child induced disaster we survived together.
      These are the shortest years but they are many of the longest hours of your life. It is hard. I love my children fiercely and I always have. Contrary to what people told me, I do not miss babyhood at all. I don’t miss the toddler years either. Life was much more manageable once the baby hit 4.
      Hang in there. It will get better, because you can make choices that work for your family. Happy Mom is necessary for happy family.

    13. JamieH*

      For as long as you’re home, I HIGHLY recommend finding a co-op preschool. They are usually much less expensive than normal preschools, and they are a fantastic way to meet a lot of other parents and find a “tribe.” There are also mostly other stay at home parents that are also eager to meet up at parks and text about melt downs and whatnot.

  28. aarti*

    My period is 10 days late and, after two negative pregnancy tests, I decided to go to the doctor. This is super unusual for me and none of the normal reasons for a late period apply to me (stress, exercise, weight loss, etc).

    My partner and I are getting married next year and we do want kids but the timing is not ideal. So you think I’d be happy when the doctor confirmed I wasn’t pregnant. Instead I broke down crying in the car home.

    So I still don’t know why my period is so late and I’m feeling surprisingly dissapointed/sad. Trying to work through a lot of emotions and feeling lonely since all my family lives in another country.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      That is a lot of emotions to deal with. I think one of the most frustrating things people have to deal with is having a medical issue and not knowing the cause. Even if it’s something bad, at least you know what the next steps are. Fear of the unknown is powerful and overwhelming.

      Could you arrange to Skype some of your family?

      1. aarti*

        I think that’s a big part of it for sure. Also the medical care in my current country is more paternalistic than what I’m used to growing up in the USA. So I get a metaphorical pat on the head and a “don’t worry sweetie you’re fine”. Super frustrating.

        And yes I can and do talk to family but it’s not the same as them being around.

        Thanks for the internet support though, it means a lot just to be heard!

        1. Bazinga*

          Oh, this would drive me absolutely batty. That paternalistic “oh, those hysterical girls” is something I don’t think I could handle.

    2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I had a similar experience happen to me last year, actually. I was also living in a different country from all my family, and the late period brought up a lot of other feelings (loneliness, etc.) that had been taking a back seat. I also think it’s totally normal to feel disappointed at the negative test, even if you weren’t looking to get pregnant, especially since you still don’t know what caused it. When I was going through that time, it really helped me to talk to local female friends, many of whom had gone through the same thing at some point.

    3. Emilie*

      I’ve tried it as well. I got horrible morning sickness on top, so I was pretty sure I was pregnant. I think it was just all the emotions I went through during the span of a single week, that made me feel sad when my period came. It’s normal to mourn things that never were, since the thought of “what if?!” can bring up some very strong emotions in people. Even if you had no plans on getting pregnant.
      I think you’re reacting in a completely normal way :)

    4. TheLiz*

      Sometimes one can ‘skip’ a period for no reason at all. it’s weird and disconcerting but actually not necessarily a Big Deal. I’ve got a pretty regular cycle of “every four and a half weeks” except that every year or so I’ll have one, three weeks, another, then just not the next month. No idea why.

      As for the sad – the ‘loss’ of a hypothetical baby can be an emotional thing. You’ve had to go through the ‘do I want to be pregnant RIGHT NOW?’ cycle, only to find out that it was never a thing at all. That’s disappointing and sad and lonely. You have every right to be feeling this way! (You have the right to feel your feelings in general, of course you do, but this isn’t just irrational silliness or ‘hormones’ on your part.)

      Hugs – I hope you feel better soon!

      1. aarti*

        That’s super comforting to hear as you are the first person who has told me it’s normal to skip a period every so often. I’ll keep it in mind and see if/when May’s rolls around!

        1. Aonny*

          Yeah and there are relatively benign things that can cause it. Your doctor can tell you more, but sometimes something just goes wrong in your cycle for no obvious reason.

    5. EN*

      This happened to me recently, too, although my husband was the one who was more disappointed after the fact. It’s totally normal, and that much harder when you don’t have an answer. (For me, it turns out my periods are going away on the IUD after being very regular for a year.) If you’re interested in reading up on the ways hormones and outside factors interact with your cycle, I recommend “The Period Repair Manual” by Dr. Lara Briden. It’s helped me understand what a “normal” cycle is and have better conversations with my doctors about birth control, etc.

  29. Terri*

    If you have anxiety and treat it with medication, at what point did you actually decide to go and see a doctor for medication?

    I’ve been struggling with anxiety for a long time and I think it’s time for me to see a doctor about it. I’ve been trying therapy for years, but it’s just not helping. I’ve done CBT, etc. but I am almost always having anxiety spirals so frequently lately, almost all day yesterday I felt my stomach churning, tension, tingly. Breathing exercises are not helping me at this point, I’m sorry! I feel bad for going to a doctor about this, like only if I did more yoga I’d be less anxious, but I can’t take it anymore. It’s just getting ridiculous.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Anxiety is a legitimate medical problem so you shouldn’t feel bad going to the doctor. Something is off with your brain chemistry and you need help correcting that.

      I’ve been on meds for at least 15 years. The past year or so I have finally felt ‘normal’ where my anxiety is not impacting every single thing I do.

    2. Mimmy*

      It took an at-work outburst and subsequent termination (after just 2.5 weeks) for me to finally bite the bullet and seek help, diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, and put on an SSRI for daily maintenance, which I’ve been taking for over 15 years. A few years later, I began taking an anti-anxiety med that I take as needed, although that took a bit of convincing.

      I admit I sometimes feel bad about taking the anti-anxiety med, especially at work, but people remind me that it’s totally okay. I honestly can’t imagine how well I’d be functioning if I hadn’t taken that first step all those years ago. Sure, you may need some adjustments over time–that too is okay.

      Good luck!

    3. Courageous cat*

      As soon as it affected me physically. There’s absolutely nothing to feel bad about. You have a medical condition and you’ll be surprised the change in your quality of life once you get it treated.

    4. Red*

      I saw a doctor when I had a panic attack at work because I thought my (sweet, caring, supportive) boss was trying to ruin my career. I was already seeing a psychiatrist for my bipolar disorder, but for some reason i had never talked to her about the panic attacks before. It was a conversation well worth having.

    5. Sylvan*

      I’ve been in treatment since I was a kid. I wasn’t sleeping or eating. Therapy had done a whole lot of nothing for a couple of years. Obviously, something was wrong physically. I have generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder.

      There’s nothing wrong with going to a doctor, whether you feel like your symptoms are “serious enough” or not. Think of it like going to a doctor for a physical issue like headaches. It’s worth going whether you have cluster headaches and you need LITERALLY ANY HELP, PLEASE, you have headaches when you read and you think you need glasses, or you have mild headaches more often than you used to and you just want some advice on preventing them.

      1. Sylvan*

        I didn’t mean that as an insult to therapy, by the way, or a criticism of its effectiveness. Therapy is great. I have a therapist and I love her. I am just someone who needs medication to get into a place where I’m able to participate in therapy.

    6. CBE*

      My kids have anxiety. My oldest went when the anxiety became an obstacle she couldn’t function around. I wish I had made her go sooner. She seems to think therapy and meds are either/or and now that she’s on meds she won’t do therapy. I wish she would do both. But she’s in her mid twenties and I can’t make her.
      We’re almost to that point with my teenager now. She doesn’t want it, which is hard, but I think it might be time. She’s in therapy but has hit a wall and is struggling even more lately.

    7. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I waited years.

      I wish I’d started sooner.

      If I was having those symptoms I’d certainly be asking for meds now.

      Good luck.

    8. Windchime*

      It’s a legitimate health issue, so don’t feel like you should just be able to manage yourself out of feeling anxious. I tried for years and it didn’t work for me. I had been on and off an anxiety med (the kind you take when anxiety strikes), but I had lived in such a state of heightened anxiety for years that I couldn’t even identify it. It took a life-changing, terrible time at work and finally the inability to function at all (crying, insomnia, inability to eat, etc) before I went to the doctor and got help.

      The past year has been like night and day. I no longer take the “emergency pill” for anxiety; instead, I take anxiety meds and anti-depressants each and every day. It took time to find the right balance, but I finally have relief from that awful, tight-chested feeling and my thoughts no longer race from thought to thought.

      I’m so happy I went and so happy that my doctor worked with me over the course of several months to get my medications right. At this time, I have no plans of stopping medication because I don’t want to ever go back to that dark place again.

    9. Anonymous for this*

      I was doing CBT and my psychologist recommended it after about a year or so. (The CBT did help some.) My psychologist (who could not prescribe medication) worked with my General Practitioner (who actually prescribed the medication). I think that the medication was much more effective because of the CBT.

    10. Saradactyl*

      I got on medicine almost as soon as I realized I had a problem and I don’t regret it for a second. When I’m not on them I feel like I’m constantly short of breath and like my heart is racing; I also always feel like I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. It’s made a world of difference for me.

    11. mreasy*

      Ironically, the feeling that you could overcome this anxiety if you just tried harder at wellness is part of the anxiety talking. I have the exact same thought process. Thing is, you totally wouldn’t! You’ve done your due diligence with therapy and lifestyle, and it’s doctor time. I avoided meds for the better part of a decade, believing I could “health my way out of it,” but that just meant lots of anxious, unhappy years. Good luck to you with your treatment, and I hope meds help you as much as they have me!

    12. Public Health Nerd*

      I come from a family with anxiety/depression, so the house rule is that if you still feel bad after 3 weeks, you make an appointment with a doctor. I did about 7 years of CBT, and now am just on a low maintenance dose of an SSRI. Doesn’t completely erase my anxiety, but puts it into the realm where I can handle it. Highly recommend talking to your doc about a low dose trial run.

    13. June*

      I would strongly suggest schedule time to see both a doctor and a new to you counselor and here’s why – I went from having daily panic attacks to just being a little anxious before I do something scary like give a presentation in front of 30 people. I could have never accomplished this without both my dr and counselor. It sounds like you might need to change counselor (no shame in that).
      Backstory – I was having 2 – 3 panic attacks daily for a month. My dr heard my story and scheduled a referral to a counselor immediately. Honestly, it was the best thing she could have done for me. My dr ran blood tests and found out that my iron, b, and d were super low. She had me start taking supplements, plus a multivitamin and probiotics. I can tell if I haven’t been consistent with my vitamins/supplements cause I start feeling anxious/edgy (and not in a cool, black leather jacket way).
      My counselor was able to help me look for ways to help lessen my anxiety, such as creating self care routines, watch my diet (caffeine and chocolate are big no-nos for me), and give me tools for keeping my anxiety at bay or during stressful time, lower my levels. Heck, just talking to someone help lessen my anxiety. I call it releasing the fear from my body to the wind. 
      Because my counselor could not prescribe drugs but could recommend them to my dr, I was able to try a few antianxiety drugs to get over the rough times. I later stop taking them after a few years (I know, I was lucky). I only take the occasional 5 – 10 mg hydroxyzine pills (also known as chill pills or baby Benadryl).
      Having both my dr and counselor as part of my support/advisory team, I feel so much better now. So make that appt today, switch your counselor, and know that you are going to be ok. I have no doubt you will get stronger each day.

  30. Mimmy*

    Thank you to everyone who responded to my post last week about going to Pittsburgh by myself. Good news: My friend was able to add me to her room registration – I feel so much better now! She’s a lot more extroverted than I am, so this will be interesting….but at least now I know that I won’t be completely alone.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I know you’re coming out for a work thing, so I don’t know how much time you’ll have for sight seeing, but if you don’t get to do anything else, at least ride one of the Inclines! They are a uniquely Pittsburgh experience. I prefer the Duquesne, but either one is a great experience.

      1. nep*

        The Incline! Yes — if possible, make time for that. It was always the highlight of our trips to see family in Johnstown.

      3. Mimmy*

        I saw something about that! I’m not aware of any conference-sponsored evening activities so, knowing my friend (who lives in Pittsburgh part-time), I will get to do it!

        Just to clarify: This conference isn’t specifically tied to my current job – it’s for my own professional development and networking (though I did mention it to my supervisor, who thought it was really cool).

    3. Not So NewReader*

      This is so cool. Well done.

      I have done similar things on a local level. I hunted around found someone else who was going and, “Oh, I am going too, would you like to sit together?” Nine times out of ten all I see is relief in their eyes. They want to know at least one person at the event. I am amazed how often this comes out.

  31. Courageous cat*

    Any women here who deal with alopecia?

    I was diagnosed with cicatricial (scarring) alopecia many months ago and am going through a variety of attempted treatments for it (about to have my second scalp biopsy). Right now my hair is just significantly thinner on the top of my head, and it may never come back, and it may get worse. I am grappling with the idea of losing my hair for life and it isn’t easy. I’m not mentally strong enough for this kind of thing.

    I want a hair transplant.

    1. Fiennes*

      I’ve had one hair transplant and will probably have to have one more. My alopecia is severe enough that I doubt any hair on the very top of my head will remain in 10 years, aside from what’s been transplanted there. At least my thinning is only on the very top—my mother has been almost completely bald for more than a decade. Long story short—I hear you.

      First off: go on and start saving for a transplant. It is worth it. The procedure is not hugely painful—the shots are the worst of it, and you’ll be uncomfortable that night and maybe the day after, but otherwise soreness is minimal. And as of now, it is the only true long-term solution to permanent hair loss.

      For now: are you familiar with Toppik? It’s a sort of powder you apply to your scalp, which coats the individual hairs to thicken them. There’s a fixative spray that goes with it, though in a pinch I’ve found hairspray is adequate for this. Toppik is the single best cover-up I know for thinning hair. It’s not prohibitively expensive and is available via Sally Beauty Supply stores or online.

      One final bit of advice: many people with thinning hair try to grow it out, hoping length will conceal the thinness. However, shorter hairstyles actually do a better job of this, at least for most balding patterns. So consider going shorter. (You’ll want to do this around transplant time regardless, for multiple reasons.) If things are already really severe, there are hats and scarves with false hair attached available for women going through chemo—obviously, those losing hair for other reasons can use these too.

      Don’t feel ashamed. This world is not kind to bald ladies, but you will find a good way to deal.

      1. Courageous cat*

        This is very helpful! I had considered Toppik but didn’t know it worked so well. I also don’t know how it will work with my hair color but I think it will be worth a shot. I might give that a try once it gets harder to hide. You’re also very right about hair length, my next step is going to be going to a pixie cut if need be.

        How is your hair post transplant? Does it look and act normal? Would I be able to have still cut bangs if I got a hair transplant? For some reason I envision the hair growing in one direction only or being difficult to style.

        1. Fiennes*

          There are several different shades of Toppik, so hopefully you can find something that works. (Sometimes brick and mortar places don’t stock all shades, so be sure to check the full range online.)

          My hair looks and acts completely normal post-transplant. In fact, every time I’ve told a hairstylist about it they’ve been shocked; even people who spend all day every day looking at scalps can’t tell it’s been done. There’s a little initial weirdness when the short-short transplanted hair begins growing in, but this is temporary, maybe a month at most. Also be aware that your hair will initially look even thinner post-transplant—the transplanted follicles shed and take a few weeks to begin growing new hair, plus some existing follicles will shed just due to trauma in the area. But I would say that by 3 months after that was working itself out very well, and with Toppik + pixie cut I was able to get through that period without the thinness being obvious.

          1. Courageous cat*

            Wow, that is hugely helpful to hear about your hair post-transplant. I was honestly really scared if I got it I would have to swear off bangs for life (and I have a ridiculous forehead so I can’t do that) or that it would be noticeable in some way. This gives me a lot of hope though, so thank you. Now I just have to hope that the back of my head stays as thick as it is to hopefully one day be a donor site!

    2. Lujessmin*

      I have had alopecia since my early 30s, so almost 30 years. All I have are a few eyelashes. I’ll admit, at first I was devastated by it. I was willing to try almost anything to get my hair back, including traveling to Mexico for some drug we don’t have here (I don’t even remember the name of it now.) About a year into my struggle, a coworker died of scleroderma, and after that, I was fine with the alopecia. Alopecia and scleroderma are both auto-immune disorders, but no one has ever died from alopecia. Do I wish I still had hair? Not really. I do miss my eyebrows and eyelashes, though.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Thank you for your response! Do you wear wigs or anything in place of your eyelashes/brows?

        1. Lujessmin*

          No, I draw my eyebrows on with an eyebrow pencil and a brow kit from Benefit (I think) that has wax and color. They’re not perfect, but the bangs on my wigs cover them a bit. I just use mascara on my few eyelashes.

          1. Courageous cat*

            Any recommendations on what to look for for natural-looking wigs? I hope they are out there!

    3. HannahS*

      I don’t have alopecia, but I do have male-pattern baldness and have lost quite a bit of hair–definitely more than half, probably 2/3? Now, I am fortunate in that I started with a lot, so generally it just looks like I have really thin hair, and I tend to wear hairstyles and headbands that conceal the worst of the loss. I always figured it it started to look really abnormal I’d shave off the remnants and get a wig. I think getting transplants is fine, wigs are fine, hats and scarves are fine, and rocking a bald head is fine, just whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you’re having trouble emotionally, I think it’s important to acknowledge it and, like, either be really kind and talk yourself through it, or speak to someone else if you need support. Becoming a bald woman is not a minor thing; I don’t think it’s disfiguring, exactly, but it’s a major body and appearance change that’s unexpected, really obvious to others, and outside of your control. Some people find that traumatic, and it’s not wrong to experience it that way.

      2. Courageous cat*

        We have a similar situation, I think. I started with a lot too, insanely thick hair, so now my hair on the top of my head is more like my mom’s – very fine and thin. It’s workable right now, I have to use a ton of dry shampoo so the strands don’t stick together and show more of my scalp, but my concern is that it might get worse (as this type does). For me the hardest part are my bangs – trying not to let my scalp show too much through the op of them.

        Do you find your hair loss has slowed over time? The hardest part for me is the daily grind of obsessively checking the mirror to see if it’s gotten worse.

        Anyway, thank you for your response. I agree that it’s valid to find it traumatic – especially since it’s relatively rare, it’s even harder to not feel alone in it.

        1. Courageous cat*

          I also just want to put this out there that I think the hardest part of this for me has been the permanence. I have issues with depression from time to time and the thing that helps me the most to get out of it is to realize that nothing I’m dealing with is permanent, that things will change for the better, etc. And it definitely scares me to realize that this traumatic thing I’m dealing with, contributing to my issues, is not going to get better. I’ll get better at it, but this part is permanent, and I can likely never have it back. It makes it a lot harder to move on emotionally to a healthier mindset.

        2. HannahS*

          Yeah, I have found that it slowed down! I’d say it came on slowly when I was 17-18, progressed rapidly until I was about 21–like, not chunks of hair, but definitely my whole house was littered with hair–and then now in my mid-20s it seems to be slowing down. I don’t find there’s a meaningful difference between now and last year, for example.

          You seem super insightful into why it’s bothering you! It’s a lot like grief; it sounds like you really will get better at dealing with it with time. I know for me, one thing that’s helped is looking at wigs and scarves. It’s probably years until I’d wear them, but it can be helpful to look and see what kinds of styles there are, and to cautiously imagine myself in them. Will I knit myself hats? Maybe I’ll knit myself brown cable-knit hats that are a fun riff on the milkmaid braid hairstyles I used to wear. Maybe I’ll go for a 40s housewife-style headscarf. Maybe I’ll wear gorgeous, elaborate headscarves like my Orthodox Jewish friends and relatives. Maybe I’ll buy a band-fall (a broad, knit headband with half a wig attached on the back). That would be good for work…I don’t dwell on it, but it’s a way for me to dip my toe into the idea, instead of digging in my heels, if you know what I mean.

    4. Sled dog mama*

      I don’t have alopecia but I did know a woman who had it while I was growing up. From the outside I never saw it as a thing and I think that’s because she was confident. She kept her hair short which did make it less noticeable and was always impeccably dressed. I know that my perspective probably doesn’t help (I’ve got my own issues and others opinions really don’t help me feel any better). Seeing this woman who acted completely confident and treated her hair as just another part of herself really influenced my world view.

  32. Paige*

    How do you navigate conversation around friends who are much better off financially than you are (or conversely, worse off?). A friend of mine mentioned thinking about going on a holiday after reviving a ‘small windfall’ (an investment paid off better than she’d expected apparently).

    She didn’t mention the amount, but I later found out (purely by chance, I promise I wasn’t snooping) that this ‘small’ windfall was around the neighbourhood of £50K or so. Sure that’s not enough to change your life (like quitting your job or buying a house) but from my perspective I’d hardly call that ‘small’! I’m assuming she worded it that way to not make it sound like a big deal, but still…

    Anyway, money is such a tricky thing. People who have it never have to think about it, and those who don’t can’t help mentally budget on everything, and sometimes it can be fun to fantasise about what it’d be like not have to think about money so much…although other times it can be a bit depressing too. Argh.

    1. fposte*

      We had a discussion on this on the thread last week or the week before; it’s evergreen, I think.

      I do think one constant is that we are much, much likelier to compare ourselves to people with more money than to people with less money. There really is no “people who have it never have to think about it” level; if you’re the kind who thinks about it, you’ll be the kind who thinks about it when you have more money. It might not be in exactly the same way–you might not check your budget before you buy a pocket comb, but you’ll be in touch with tax rates, and 401k details in the US and pensions in the UK. I personally think that if you thinking about money fruitfully, it’s a good thing, because it helps you become somebody with more money.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This. I have met a couple millionaires who live very modestly and you would never know they were worth well into the seven digit figures. One person drove a car older than mine. This person saw no need to replace their old car.
        I found it useful to remind myself that there are people who do not show wealth, yet have it and we just don’t know.

    2. Haru*

      I usually show interest when they talk about the new thing or experience they’re buying. But, it doesn’t bother me that some friends can spend more money than me.

      As for friends that earn less money, if they just want to vent, I’ll listen and if they want advice, I’ll offer it. Most of the things I enjoy are free or low-cost, so there’s isn’t any conflict of going over budget.

      Most of my friends are from high school and college and we’ve always shared out salaries/rent/mortgage/major expense, so it doesn’t feel like a big deal.

    3. Haru*

      “People who have it never have to think about it, and those who don’t can’t help mentally budget on everything, ”

      That’s such a good point. Even though I earn less than most friends, I feel like I have enough money to fulfill my needs and most of my wants, so it’s not something I think about. And, this might be a mistaken belief? I think if I was willing to make the same choices as them, I could also earn the same income as them, but I don’t want to live their life.

      And, as we grew older, we no longer do everything together. Like when a friend impulsively suggested flying to another city for a three-day weekend, some said no and some said yes.

    4. Loopy*

      I really enjoy when people speak in vague terms like that. I had a co-worker talk about getting a paybump and it was so easy to be genuinely, simply happy for her. When I found out exactly what she made, my brain went stupid and made it weird (she’s making about 10-15k more than me).

      I hate that it happened and outwardly nothing changed but I prefer to keep it to generalities so it’s hard to make direct comparisons.

    5. CBE*

      This is so hard. A dear friend of mine lost her house around the same time we bought our dream house. I know she struggled with jealousy, but I also know she was truly happy for me. She helped me move, and I helped her move.
      Our longtime (20+ years) friendship has survived, but we had a VERY firm foundation of trust and love for each other and I don’t know if a more superficial and less rooted friendship could have survived.

    6. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I’m guessing the investment didn’t do £50k better than planned though – I’m presuming she was expecting, say, £45k and got £50k. It might be that she had plans for the expected £45k but the extra £5k was totally unexpected and I’m sure you could have a bloody good holiday with that (….. I wouldn’t know from experience though!).

      It’s hard, anyway. I’ve always felt like the poor relation. My siblings both earn more than me, and I’m the oldest. I hate that.

      There is a slim chance I’m going to be able to apply for a job that would be a £12k pay rise. I literally have no idea what I would do with that much extra money.

    7. Forking Great Username*

      Well, I think one way to avoid issues is to ty to avoid nitpicking the exact words people use to describe their finances. To me, the word windfall would make me think a lot of money – like, pay off my mortgage money. Re-wording it to a small windfall says to me, okay, so not enough to pay off the house, but still a very good amount of money. And yep, 50k meets that description. For me! Definition varies based on location/home prices, obviously.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      If I have done the math correctly this is about $71K. Nice but don’t quit your job, as you say.

      In the past when I have had inheritances, I put the money away. Maybe I spent $1000 on air conditioners or something like that just to get that urge to spend out of my system, but the rest went into an investment.

      As I read this, I thought, “Oh, I hope she puts some away and pretends it’s not even there.” My father lost most of what he owned through medical bills. While we were not as bad off, my husband’s medical bills still left me in a precarious position that I may never totally dig out of. One of the major reasons I am still in my house is because of putting “found” money such as inheritances away and pretending I don’t have it.

      While I can understand feeling envy, but because of Life! I primarily feel concern when I hear these stories of people coming into a bit of money. I will say this to anyone interested, you will never regret taking that extra money and putting it to one side. It might save your butt sometime. And, added side effect, it’s comforting to know that there is some kind of backup plan if you hit a major problem in life.

    9. HannahS*

      It’s really tricky. I don’t talk a lot about money except in the context of “I’m doing XYZ to save some money” or “I’m trying not spend money on ABC.” When I talk about things I’m paying for, I usually just say “I bought these boots! I’m really happy with them” or “I’m going to Israel to visit my grandparents. I’m so excited.” Other people can certainly conclude that I’m spending a lot of money on those things, but the focus of the conversation isn’t about money. However, if we’re talking about the cost of something, I try to give context; I’d never say that a flight is cheap, but I’ll say that my $380 flight from Toronto to Amsterdam was extremely cheap for an international flight, and a great deal. Or I might say that my current apartment is really cheap for a large one-bedroom apartment in our city. Because it is! It’s the cheapest! But of course, that doesn’t mean it’s cheap overall. I’ll admit that since I’m accustomed to being on the wealthier side of my friend groups, I’m more used to being careful about speaking to people who I assume have less money. I probably slip up and sound judgmental of people who have more. Fortunately, among the people I know, everyone’s pretty open about saying things like, “I couldn’t afford it” or, “Nah, I’m on a tight budget” or, “Well, I was ok paying that much for the convenience of it.”

    10. photo organizer*

      I think it depends on the friend and how self aware they are. I have one friend who often complains of the stress of traveling back and forth to their weekend house, driving the kids to all their classes, etc. I’ve had to distance myself because though I know her problems are real to her, she is sort of oblivious to the fact that not all of us have two houses, have to work full time and still get their kids places, don’t have the money for unlimited kids classes, etc. I guess she also complains a lot, which now that I am thinking about it, might be the actual reason I have distanced myself.

  33. the curator*

    Had my last lecture in Japan tonight. Tomorrow is one meeting that is work/fun. We are going to the science museum. Looking forward to one last adventure and also ready to go home even though it is blizzarding in MN.

    1. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m in your blizzard (though the next door state)! There will be lots of snow to welcome you home.

  34. Courageous cat*

    What’s some good stuff to do when you’re sick? I’m on day 6 of the flu and I am obscenely bored and cabin feverish. I get out of the house for short walks and a few errands but it doesn’t help.

    1. NB*

      I watch too much TV. When I had the flu right after Christmas, I found a program on Netflix called Very British Problems. It was silly and cheered me up.

      I sometimes do tedious low-energy tasks like cutting coupons or matching socks.

      And there’s always games on the computer or phone. I play hearts and scrabble.

  35. catsaway*

    This is slightly a rant/asking for suggestions for changing how I view this situation.
    I am finishing my PhD, getting married, and moving halfway across the country to start a post-doc over 10 weeks. While my fiancé and I know we want to get married the date is determined by access to health insurance. Neither of us are into weddings and wanted a courthouse ceremony. We told our families our plans and they wanted to come. We said sure.

    Then things got away from me. (1) My fiancé decided he didn’t want to go to the courthouse because he didn’t like the location for pictures so we found a local public garden that you can reserve. So now we have to plan a ceremony. (2) Because it’s no longer at the courthouse my mom think’s it’s a traditional wedding ceremony and so has been bothering me about doing ceremony things I don’t want – getting flowers, walking down the aisle and walking down the aisle with my dad, and my mom has been adding people to invite so with them and our immediate families we can no longer afford to take people out to dinner – my fiancé is working part time so I’m the high earner in grad school – and now my parents are paying for dinner so I now feel like I need to listen to what they want. (3) Since this is still a smaller event and we are very far (~32 hour drive) from where we’re both from our parents each want to host a local reception in our home states. The way these were originally described I thought one reception would be paired with Christmas time activities and the other would happen before next summer. Nope. Now the reception for my family has to happen in the fall and the reception for his family will happen another month in the fall. Our new location is closer to home than our current one so it’s just a days drive as opposed to a days worth of flying, but not fun for a weekend.

    Now, when I think of everything that I need to get done, the best I can feel about the wedding is neutral, like it’s a just another thing in a long list of things I have to do and I’m not dreading it but I’m not looking forward to it either. I feel like we’re doing the worst of both worlds – a bunch of medium sized events that still require planning or a lot of traveling for us right when I’m starting a new job, i.e. right when I don’t want to be traveling. We won’t be able to celebrate the event in any way – we don’t have time for a honeymoon, we just have to pack up and drive halfway across the country and because we had to plan the wedding around our parents schedules we don’t have time to make the road trip fun. I resent that we have my parents paying for the dinner but the only way that we could maybe pay for something ourselves (and we’re still paying for all non food items) is if I eliminate coffee/meals out and don’t do anything for myself to celebrate finishing – and my wedding overshadowing my dissertation is what I did not want to happen and one of the many reasons I was reluctant to have a ceremony not at the courthouse.

    Tl;dr: I’m getting married this summer at a time and place for the convinces of others when it’s very inconvenient for me, how can I feel more positive about my wedding?

    1. Melody Pond*

      That sounds so stressful! I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. I don’t know that my suggestion is going to be very helpful – it sounds like this is really not what you want. I think it would be better to go back and tell everyone that you’re not doing the ceremonious stuff after all, and just stick to your original plans. No reception, no invitation of family members, etc. People will have some upset feelings (my mother says that there are usually lots of feelings involved around weddings, for everyone), but that’s really not your responsibility. I still think you should do the thing you wanted to do (assuming you can get your fiancé on board).

      I wanted to ask – you said that the date you get married is determined by access to health insurance. What do you mean by that? Is one of you on a group health plan, and you’re waiting to get married until you can both be on it? Like are you waiting for an open enrollment date?

      1. catsaway*

        He’s a freelancer and my new job doesn’t consider domestic partners elegible dependents for health insurance. Getting married before I start my job will save use $$ every month and he’ll have real health insurance, not just pay $300-$400/month for catastrophic coverage.

        We’ve already made reservations and people have bought plane tickets (event is within 4 months, engagement officially started when I got my job a couple of months ago). It’s like I thought it would be ok, but its not.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Ah, I see – that makes sense. I was thinking at first that maybe you were thinking you had to wait until open enrollment at a job you already had. And in that case, I was going to suggest that normally, getting married is a “qualifying event” to add your spouse, effective the first of the month after you get married.

          But I see now that that’s not the situation you’re in. You’re starting a new job, and want to be already married prior to when you’re first eligible for insurance, so that your spouse can join you on your health insurance right at the first available opportunity. Makes perfect sense!

          1. catsaway*

            Exactly, fortunately health insurance coverage will start like a week after I start so we’ll need to be married when I start.

    2. Red Reader*

      Put it all down and step back a second. (Not like, break up with the fiancé or anything. He can take the step back too.) Is there any reason you can’t go back to what you originally planned? “Look, Sam, I know you’re not a fan of the courthouse as a picture spot, but this has snowballed into way more than we wanted. Can we talk about backing off to where we originally were and scaling it all down a bunch?” Your parents (whether that’s your-your or both of your) won’t be thrilled, but it’s not their wedding. If they want to throw a big shenanigans in their state, they can do that …. at a time that works for you.

      My last four weeks of grad school have also encompassed a kitchen remodel and a work business trip, so I feel you — but your life has to work for you, not other people.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Not all judges and not everywhere, but you might be able to find a judge who is willing to come to your chosen place to perform a ceremony.
        Some judges or JPs really get into it and they can help plan a very simple service.

        It’s true when other people pay for things they are buying their rights to be part of the decision making process. The most practical response is not to take the money and keep your autonomy.

        It makes total sense that you feel blah about this. This has stopped being your wedding a while ago. It’s for the people around you, not for you. I had a wedding like this. We got through the day and neither one of us ever mentioned the wedding again. It was not worth all the energy we had to put into it.

    3. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      There’s a pretty easy solution here: get married at the courthouse, and do pictures at the nearby park. That should satisfy both you and your SO, and what your families may or may not want doesn’t really matter.

    4. Bazinga*

      I guess I would say it’s your wedding. Whittle it down to what you want. If people want to pay for dinner to control it, pay yourself and make it what you want. And having inconvenient receptions isn’t for you either.
      Maybe elope? Spend the money on a fun vacation rather than a stressful ceremony.

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks; I wish that was still an option but we’re too close to the date.
        The money we don’t spend won’t buy us a vacation and anyway we don’t have the time for a fun vacation. I still need to work almost right until we move because (1) my advisor will pay me for the extra month and (2) even if he didn’t I still need to turn some parts of my dissertation into a paper because if I don’t do that my PhD is wasted.

    5. neverjaunty*

      It’s interesting that at the beginning, you were talking about what “we have to” plan, and by the third paragraph it was “everything that I need to get done”. Why is this on you, particularly given that your fiance is the one driving some of these changes, and ESPECIALLY since he is working part time while you’re working and in grad school?

      Let him handle the planning. Then it’s not something that you have to add to your to-do list. If he’s the right guy, he will want you to feel like your wedding is important and special, and not a chore.

      (And if he isn’t willing to pitch in… well, let’s just say that “I want a big wedding but I also want you to be responsible for making it happen” was perhaps not the biggest of red flags with my ex, but it was definitely a big one.)

      1. catsaway*

        So he did do the planning – he made the reservations for the ceremony location and restaurant and has said he’ll look at ceremony ideas/make a plan. And the wedding is still small: <35 people, a mutual friend is the officiant etc.
        I’m just getting stressed about the existence of the event itself, and the fact that my mom has more options about it than I’d thought – agreeing to move the ceremony to not a courthouse opened up a bigger can of worms then I thought possible. I agreed to plans but now that I”m thinking about them more and really looking at a calendar everything looks so much more stressful. I need to get rid of something but I don’t know what.

        1. oldbiddy*

          I’m so sorry – I got stressed out about my own wedding even though it was a courthouse wedding/BBQ a few days later. (My PhD defense and moving to start a postdoc were already many years ago by the time I got married ;-)) Could you ask your mom not to ask for any more changes/additions to the ceremony/dinner?
          Also, with the expanded guest list, the ceremonies in your home cities are somewhat less time sensitive, so consider doing them when it works best for you and your fiance. (I got married in 2016 and still haven’t done mine!)

          1. catsaway*

            I think that’s what I’m going to have to do. His family already started planing, I’ll just have to see if we can push it back to Christimas.
            I’m more annoyed with my family thing because I have basically no extended family so it’s like 10 people total, in terms of people I’ve been in the same room with in the last 10 years, so we could invite them to the ceremony but apparently they wont travel to our current location….

            1. TheLiz*

              Weddings around degree-ends SUCK. I had mine two months before handing in my Master’s dissertation and a month before a major conference presentation. It was awful. There are some guns you can stick to, though – pick a priority, like not being “given away”, and stick to it. Or “flowers would be weird, it’s in a garden”.

              You can do this! Worst case, this too shall pass.

              1. catsaway*

                Thanks; yeah I’ve decided to pick my battles. I already told my mom that if she wants flowers she can spend the time and money on them, I won’t. I think I’ll tell her that my fiancé and I will do ceremony stuff together – either walk down together or just be at the front together and the officiant can signal the start of the ceremony.
                I know that one way or another everything will pass, I’m just struggling with feeling like this is just another hoop to jump through/something to politely tolerate while everyone around me thinks they’re throwing me a big party.

                1. TheLiz*

                  There’s a saying that really resonated with me then-abouts: “Your marriage is for you… but your wedding is for your family.” They’re throwing them a big party, not you.

                2. catsaway*

                  @ TheLiz because nesting is over. That is what some friends have said about wedding vs marriage; it’s just difficult because it is currently 3 medium sized events that feel like we’re just half-assing everything/getting the worst of all worlds. I’ve thought about taking the attitude that it’s all for other people but it almost feels a little… passive aggressive of me to say “This is more about what you want then what I want so I’ll go along with it but be unhappy”

        2. Indie*

          It’s so common for ‘we want a small non-wedding’ to snowball for exactly the reasons you describe. Pictures and parents.

          Don’t let parents in particular buy your day off you! If they want to throw a wedding they can renew their vows!

          My sister saw this happen to a bunch of us and had a genius sidestep. She asked the two immediate families to dress up real nice for a family portrait and said she’d buy dinner afterwards as a thankyou. When we showed up BAM surprise wedding. At the town hall with a minimum of fuss. Everyone was charmed even those who weren’t invited and saw it on Facebook.

          Family receptions are pointless. Just wave them off. No time right now! Want to just enjoy staying home and being married! My sister didn’t see relatives for over a year until someone had a barbecue and the catching up was just as much fun as if it was sooner. The unexpected gifts/money she got felt more genuine too.

    6. Circus peanuts*

      I am going through the same thing. My courthouse wedding this summer was in danger of being taken over by my mother so with all the stress in my life right now, I ended up asking me fiance to take over the planning. My parents said they would pay for the lunch and then the manipulating began soon after that offer. Fiance is now in charge of it all and hopefully my mom will get over her dislike of him if she wants any say in the day. He is disabled and does not have a job so he has more time to figure out a nice restaurant with a small banquet room for us to have lunch in and see about hiring a photographer. My mom still wants to pay for the lunch so we will see how it goes with them working together. I am looking forward to just showing up and going with the flow. Honestly, the only thing I am adamant on is having it in a private roomed off area in a restaurant that has cloth napkins.

      Perhaps you can your list of must haves lined up and knowing that they will be done can carry you through?

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks for the suggestions. I guess I do have the must haves lined up and done really, at least what needs to be done now, and as I said above my fiancé did take care of the big logistical things. My issue is more that I agreed to things and now that I’m really looking at a calendar/talking to parents the things I agreed to have ended up being more work than I originally thought and my time frame tighter than I originally thought.

    7. eloped*

      You sound like me! We got married last summer before a big move so that I could get on his health insurance during my job search in a new city. We’re also not into weddings and didn’t want to make it a thing. We called our families (who live in separate states) the day before and had it done privately, promising to have a party in a few years once we’ve saved up some money and are settled with our new jobs. Everyone reacted differently but it took the pressure off of us. Now we can plan a party and involve everyone on our own time! I hope that you end up feeling like you have control over this situation, as it’s ultimately your choice to make :)

  36. Lady Jay*

    I have an old quilt recently given to me by my grandmother. The backing is more recent, but some of the top pieces are from the early 1900s. Some of the top pieces have frayed at the seams, so the stuffing is coming out.

    Any recommendations for where I should look to have it mended?

    1. Parenthetically*

      There are plenty of quiltmakers/preservists online that you could send your quilt to and have it repaired and sent back, but if you live in any mid to large sized city, there will be specialty quilting shops around that you could call for advice, and many (most?) would do repairs of that kind, or could point you to a local artisan who could do it.

      Just a warning that it may be expensive, given the age of the quilt, to have it done properly.

    2. JenC*

      Do you have a quilt guild/group in your town? They may be able to advise you or even help you with repairs. I’m thinking it must be hand sewn? There are definitely textile and quilt restorers, it just depends where you live. However, very often you can mail the quilt to them and they will mail it back when it is repaired. Good luck!

      1. JenC*

        Ha, sorry, Parenthetically! We must have been responding at the same moment. But at least it verifies what we said!;o)

    3. elemvee*

      You could check with local quilting guilds, but you never quite know what you’re gonna get for results if you go that route. What type of repairs you get also depends on what you want the end result to be- do you want to display it? Actively use it? Stabilize it so you can hand it down? My advice as a someone who works in artifact preservation would be to find a conservator on the website of the American Institute for Conservation of Historic and Artistic Works (the AIC). You can search by zip code and specialty (you want a textiles conservator). There’s also some great advice on their website for how to take care of your family heirlooms.

  37. Green Thumb*

    Sites/stores with affordable large potters? I need two large ones for either side of my bright red door but don’t want to spend a fortune. Open to plastic or ceramic.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Oh man – the Ocean State Job Lot. I loved picking around in there as a kid the one year we lived in Rhode Island – like a giant 5 and dime!

    2. fposte*

      If you’re looking for ones you can move when they’re full, I strongly recommend plastic. I’ve actually found fairly decent fake terracotta ones at Lowe’s.

    3. Short & Dumpy*

      Costco had some really nice ones last week. I bought several last year for my fig trees & they have held up well so far

    4. catsaway*

      Craigslist? Even in my smaller town there’s a decent supply of people getting rid of planters for cheap. I once got a whole set of huge planters for like $40.

    6. LCL*

      Be careful with large ceramic planters in places that someone could fall on them. They shatter and cut if hit hard.

  38. Melody Pond*

    There was a comment on this week’s post about the pads in the car, that reminded me of a story my partner told me – but I didn’t get to share it there, because comments had closed when I went to post it.

    I think it’s a pretty great story, so I’ll post here instead. (This took place at his workplace, but I think the actual story is more weekend-thread relevant.)

    Mr. Pond used to work for a manufacturing company fairly out in the boonies. There was somewhat of a culture of toxic masculinity, homophobia, misogyny, etc. There were several guys he worked with who fancied themselves macho men with big guns, big trucks, and WOOO SPORTS – and they gave Mr. Pond so much crap for driving a Prius. You get the idea.

    I don’t remember exactly what the topic of conversation was, but a few of his co-workers were talking about something… and somehow menstruation briefly came up. Either one of them had seen evidence of feminine products being used and was grossed out, or Mr. Pond mentioned something about seeing my stuff… whatever it was, Mr. Pond chimed in that he had zero discomfort with seeing evidence of menstrual products – even used products.

    And the dudebros apparently had a reaction along the lines of, “What?? Eww, that’s so gross, how can you be okay with that?!”

    And my dear, sweet Mr. Pond… responds, like he’s suddenly understood what they’re saying, and is clearing up a simple miscommunication: “Oh! No, see, I actually like girls – I’m straight. It’s totally cool if you’re not, though.”

    Apparently the horrified reactions of his co-workers at the insinuations about their sexualities, were a delight to behold.

    <3 <3 <3

    1. Lady Jay*

      What a great story! The thread reminded me of a recent episode in This American Life: a young woman in her early 20s was trying to get together with a sweet guy she’d been crushing on . . . but got her period, and she deals with the situation in with increasingly overblown, poorly-thought-out, and hilarious decisions.

      It’s told as comedy and had me laughing out loud (on the interstate, driving through wind). I’ll put a link in the comments.

        1. swingbattabatta*

          I was crying laughing at this in the car – the second hand mortification was too much!

      2. nep*

        I absolutely love This American Life. Ira Glass is a treasure.
        But I had to turn off that story after a few moments — and reading the transcript now, that was the right move (for me). It’s rare, but that’s one TAL act I did not like.
        To each his/her own.
        I’ll always be grateful to Ira Glass and that entire team for what they do, in any case.

      3. Windchime*

        Hahaha, I was also listening to this story on the interstate and it was hilarious! At the same time, I felt so bad for her.

    2. Overeducated*

      That is a great response. I like how he tried to avoid both misogyny and homophobia there.

    4. Fiennes*

      I did a version of this once when a teen guy I was supervising began talking about how gross periods were, etc. So I put on my best after school special voice and said, “when you’re older, and you’re ready to have actual intimate relationships with women, you’ll find this is all very normal. It’s just part of growing up from boy to man.”

      Never, ever heard any crap from that kid again.

      (FWIW, in that context I knew the kid either was straight or was presenting himself as such.)

    5. Rahera*

      Hang on, that’s using the idea of being gay as a slur/punchline/the ultimate horror. That’s not okay.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Actually, I don’t agree with this (though I understand how you’d think that). It’s only an insult if you think same-sex relationships are “bad” in some way.

        This is very similar to Stephen Colbert’s punch line a year or so ago, about Trump’s mouth being Putin’s c*ck holster. There was a lot of uproar about it at the time, and people called it a homophobic slur, but it’s only homophobic if you think that same-sex relationships are a bad thing (which Putin definitely does).

        On episode 100 of the Blabbermouth podcast, Dan Savage, Rich Smith, and Eli Sanders discussed this, starting at around 15:20 in. Dan and Eli are both gay, and they discussed this with Rich Smith (who is straight). Rich had a similar line of thinking as you, he thought Colbert’s joke was homophobic. Dan and Eli disagreed, and they all discussed why, for about six minutes.

        I’ll link the podcast below – it’s a super interesting discussion!

        2. Ex-Academic, Future Accountant*

          Let me see if I understand the reasoning here: if the targets are known homophobes, then making a joke that amounts to “you wouldn’t want anyone to think you were GAY, would you, $target?!” is not homophobic.

          I’m not sure I agree, and I’m not sure this is the same as the Colbert joke either (which I think depends on other things, like the existence of metaphorical expressions like “Suck my dick!”, and the fact that we can say “Trump is kissing Putin’s ass” without any sexual connotations, even though the literal meaning of the expression is not exactly something you’d do to just anyone).

          Here, the implication of the joke is “if you disagree with me (that the existence of menstrual pads is totally normal and not gross), then you must be gay!” and the intention is that these guys, being homophobes, will fall all over themselves trying to prove that they’re not gay, thus falling into the cunning trap of agreeing that pads aren’t gross.

          And this is precisely what he’s going for: “Apparently the horrified reactions of his co-workers at the insinuations about their sexualities, were a delight to behold.”

          It doesn’t really matter whether the speaker himself believes that “it’s totally cool if you’re not (into women)”, since it’s part of a pretense for the purpose of manipulation. And isn’t “oh, that guy just did X, he must be gay!” a mainstay of homophobic insults between the toxically masculine anyway?

          I’m not at all trying to defend the co-workers here in their homophobia or their antipathy toward sanitary pads, but the logic of it is wonky (plus, it implies that gay men have some reason or excuse to find menstrual products inherently gross that straight men don’t?) and I suspect that there would be at least some gay men who, if they had been bystanders to this event, would have been less than thrilled to hear that aspect of themselves come up in the context of “you wouldn’t want anyone to think you’re…”.

          1. Melody Pond*

            I see your thinking – but again, I just don’t agree. If the dudebro co-workers were completely okay with the idea of same-sex relationships, then the joke would lose its power, and it would no longer be funny.

            I also don’t agree with the way you characterized this:

            then making a joke that amounts to “you wouldn’t want anyone to think you were GAY, would you, $target?!” is not homophobic.

            I don’t agree with that characterization – the implication here is not, “you wouldn’t want anyone to think you were GAY, would you?” Rather it’s simply, “Oh, you must be gay. Cool, that makes more sense.”

            Also:

            (plus, it implies that gay men have some reason or excuse to find menstrual products inherently gross that straight men don’t?)

            Yes, that implication is definitely there. Because gay men aren’t usually sexually interested in female genitalia. The joke suggests that it’s ridiculous to reject the normal biology of a functioning uterus, but to desire the sexual utility of the vagina that comes along with that uterus. It implies that it’s more reasonable/logically consistent to either 1) accept both or 2) reject both. In the joke, Mr. Pond is firstly showing that he accepts both – he’s completely accepting of the normal biology of a functioning uterus, and he is also sexually interested in vaginas.

            Conversely, since gay men aren’t usually interested in the sexual utility of vaginas, it seems reasonable that they might be the ones repulsed by menstrual products. Only a homophobe would take that as an insult. And since Mr. Pond is on the other side of this, accepting both aspects of vaginas/uteruses, he draws what seems like the logical conclusion: that if his co-workers are rejecting the normal biology of a functioning uterus, that they must not be sexually interested in vaginas. And again – this is only funny if the co-workers are homophobes. Otherwise, it has no power.

            Enough of me ranting about this. If any LGBT folks, and especially gay men, would like to chime in on this, I’d be interested in hearing whether you find it offensive or not.

            1. Close Bracket*

              “Because gay men aren’t usually sexually interested in female genitalia.”
              “Conversely, since gay men aren’t usually interested in the sexual utility of vaginas, it seems reasonable that they might be the ones repulsed by menstrual products.”
              The problem here, and the reason that I can’t laugh at this joke, is that sexual attraction is not be necessary to accept menstruation as nbd. I don’t have to love anal sex to be unfazed by displays of toilet paper. This joke doesn’t just rely on homophobia, it also relies on the acceptance of lack of sexual attraction as a good reason to be grossed out by female bodies. There is no good reason to be grossed out by female bodies, or at least no good reason to be more grossed out by menstruation then you are by shit. Your husband is using misogyny to fight misogyny. I’m sure it was entertaining for him, but it really wasn’t a victory for women.

              1. Ex-Academic, Future Accountant*

                This! The reason not to consider sanitary pads to be gross is because women need them to go about their daily lives, not because of anything sexual. (Objectifying much?)

    6. Nervous Accountant*

      There’s a meme I’ve seen that says “oh boys who are afraid of periods are so gross. Your mom was hoping for hers too but she got you instead”. That makes me laugh so much.

    7. Close Bracket*

      I want to laugh, but I’m pretty sure those straight guys Mr. Pond works with actually *don’t* like girls.

  39. Stephanie*

    I’m alive! I promise.

    This is semi work-related, but I hope it’s not too work-related for the weekend thread. More focused about moving.

    So I’m graduating in six weeks and am starting my new job in mid-June. I received relocation, but it’s paid out in a lump sum that I receive after I start (I was told I’d receive it within the first week). So I have to front the funds. Two questions related to the move:

    1. Since I have to front it, I was considering getting a Delta SkyMiles card and at least earning some miles from the purchase. NewCity is a large Delta hub. Anyone have the SkyMiles card? Alternatively, is there a rewards card people like that I could put moving expenses on?

    Only things that give me pause about this are the timing, i.e. if the bill comes due before the lump sum hits. I’m also gun shy about credit cards after running up the balance on another while I was out of work.

    My parents did offer to loan me the money interest-free as well, which I’m leaning toward.

    2. So I’ve been getting quotes from movers. I’m mostly moving personal effects (clothes and such) and kitchen items. Only piece of furniture I have worth taking (my current apartment definitely screams grad student chic right now) is my bed. The quotes I’m getting for the movers…it may be cheaper to just try and sell or donate the bed here and buy a new one in NewCity, but unsure. If I get rid of the bed here, I can probably move everything myself in a trailer (NewJob is covering the move regardless). Mattress is in good shape (it’s a little under two years old). Thoughts?

    1. fposte*

      I’m here mostly to say hi, and I’ve been thinking of you! However, on 1 I’d say this is the rare situation where I’d say getting a loan from your parents might be the best way, assuming that you get along well with them. On 2, if NewJob is covering the move regardless, I’d do what’s easiest for you and not pinch pennies. It doesn’t make sense to me for you to fund your own new bed rather than having NewJob pay to move the old one unless you were already going to get a new bed–which it doesn’t sound like you were.

      1. Enough*

        Agree. For a new credit card (now or future) go with one that gives cash back. The rewards are never that good and cash is the most flexible. And something like Delta only works if you are going to be flying a lot.

        1. Stephanie*

          My family inherited a bunch of Delta miles and yeah…they’re nice. Except none of us live in a Delta hub and they’ve gotten more restrictive with the use, so…

          I’m a bit wary of playing games with credit cards. My friend’s husband is like all into and reads things like the Points Guy.

          1. Enough*

            That’s why a basic cash back is nice. You use or don’t use the card, your choice, and at some time you get a little bonus. I think of it as found money.

          2. Natalie*

            You might check out Nerdwallet for good suggestions – they make different suggestions for different people depending on their spending patterns, and they break down good stuff like annual fees.

            But overall I agree you should just look at a cash back card. The miles cards charge pretty high fees in my experience.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      Is your employer giving you a set amount of money (ie, $3000, spend it as you want) or going to wants receipts to pay for exactly what you spent. If the latter, and it’s within their limits, I’d say to ship the bed, and maybe a table and two chairs. That way, you’re not in a hurry to buy new furniture so you have something to eat off, and can wait a paycheque or two and do the shopping in a relaxed way. If it’s a lump sum, I’d lean towards ditching the bed, packing a sleeping bag and inflatable mat, and buying new stuff there (and research what you want to buy in advance).

      And unless your relationship with your parents is dysfunctional and the offer comes with strings, take the loan! That will be way better than playing credit card games. And with parents, you can probably wait until you’ve got a paycheque or two two before paying them back, giving you a bit of a buffer for the moving expenses you aren’t expecting (like restocking a kitchen, utility connection fees, etc).

      1. Stephanie*

        Lump sum, spend as I want. They don’t require receipts.

        No, I have a good relationship with my parents, thankfully.

    4. Belle di Vedremo*

      I’m on team move what you’ll need to have on arrival. This is a business expense for your employer, not a splurge for yourself, so do what makes the most sense for you and let them pay for it.

      It’s easy to think about the moving reimbursement money as additional cash, but it’s not – if you borrow enough to move you’ll be paying that back with the reimbursement money, so it won’t be available to to use to replace your furniture on arrival. You’ll have enough out of pocket expenses setting up your new place, and this gives you time to build up your bank account and see what you want. The fact that you won’t be heartbroken if things get damaged in transit can be a plus, but the movers should compensate you for at least some damage.

      Moving day: Using movers I learned that you should demonstrate that everything they’re packing/moving works before they take it. Use your phone to document this. I moved a lamp that didn’t work on arrival, and they’d marked the form that the mechanical condition was “unknown” because I’d prepped it for the move (unplugged, cord wrapped around stem, no light bulb) and wouldn’t compensate me for the fact that it no longer worked on arrival.

  40. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I had a rough week. I took a sick day Friday because I was just so anxious I could barely function. I’m glad I did. I went and got a massage and went swimming, and it made my anxiety a lot less. Not gone, but less. I’m going to look into getting a massage every weekend for the next month because I don’t want this to come back. It’s debilitating and scary to not be able to remember stuff or respond to conversations because I’m in fight or flight mode all the time.

    I’m proud of the self care I did yesterday, and of showing my friend the programming project I’m working on. We both worked on it together and he now has a GitHub fork of the project and can work on it himself.

    How are you doing?

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I’m sorry you had such a rough week, but good for you on the self care!

      My mental health has been pretty decent lately. I’m excited rather than anxious about my new job and that’s huge for me because I’ve always struggled with change and fear of the unknown.

      The only negative I am dealing with right now is that my best friend is having a hard time and being largely non-communicative, so I have no idea how best to support her.

    2. Sylvan*

      I’m having a pretty decent week. I had to start waking up earlier for work and it seems to have been good for me.

      I’m trying to get two fellow anxious, avoidant people to hang out with me and OH MY GOD IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. It took several days of texts to get one of them who “wanted to see me so much!!” to pick a time or date. I only invited her after she said repeatedly that she wanted to hang out! I felt like I was hounding her. I really need to get to know some new people.

    3. SparklingStars*

      I’m having a rough week as well. I had to put my 13 year old cat to sleep on Tuesday. He had been diagnosed with cancer 5 months ago, and I knew his days were numbered, but it was still a horrible day. At least he didn’t suffer much until the very, very end, and I was the last person he saw and felt.

      Now I’m just struggling, especially with self care. I’ve been craving junk food all week, and I’ve given in to temptation way more that I should have. And I really should be productive today and get some cleaning done – but that isn’t happening so far. I did go to an exercise class this morning so that’s one positive. But I need to pull myself together at some point and get back to working on healthy habits.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. I’m sorry to hear about your cat. I think it makes sense to take a while to get back on track with healthy habits given what you’re going through.

    4. Red*

      I’m proud of you, too! Self care takes a tremendous amount of effort and that’s a ton of it :)

      I’m doing fairly well, all things considered. I think my med adjustment is starting to work, and my therapist helped me fill out forms for a vocational rehab program that might help me out with school. I also got approved for extra time on tests and assignments, but I’m just now trying to work up the nuts to talk to my professors about it. Interestingly enough, my therapist had a new diagnosis for me on the forms. We don’t really talk about diagnoses in specific but we had to because of the forms, so it was a great opportunity to talk about what she called “agoraphobia with panic disorder”. So we can add that to the list of bipolar and PTSD. Fun times.

    5. Fiennes*

      I’ve done well. Just one anxiety day, and even that one wasn’t too bad. However, I’m being avoidant about a few tasks, which I need to turn around ASAP.

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Better this week – got an extension on the tire fire project at work which helped immensely – too bad it only took 3 weeks of convincing my boss and grandboss to go for it. Honestly, I was practically down to finger puppet level in explaining the reasons why it could not be completed on the original timeline.

      Unfortunately during the last three weeks of stress I seem to have been grinding or clenching my teeth at night and now something is up with one set of molars. Great – the project that just keeps on giving.

    7. JaneB*

      I took a sick day on Friday too! I’d already clocked up 50 hours of work for the week and my throat was closing up with anxiety Thursday afternoon so I just… did it. Slept in, pottered, made a healthy pasta dish, played a computer game, then did a few hours of clearing up overdue emails and admin from home. Felt much more human!

    8. TheLiz*

      My thesis write-up has got to the point where I’m dreaming about it, which is just awful. I’m insanely stressed and self-care is next to impossible because I HAVE TO write if I want to not fail and I REALLY do not want to. I’m essentially in hard ‘crunch time’, I have been for the last two weeks and I’m going to continue to be until the 30th of this month when I hit make-or-break hand-in. Every step of the work is like dragging through treacle.

      I’ve got Dear Parent coming to help in… nine hours. I’m really hoping it does, not least because my apple didn’t fall very far from the tree, academically. The reason I’m in this mess in the first place is a gold-plated case of “terrible supervisor” and so actual, constructive help from somebody who wants me to do well will be nice, at least.

      Keep on keepin’ on, folks!

    9. RestlessRenegade*

      Last week I left a long ranty post about all my issues, but things are looking better now. I’m moving into the new place tomorrow and feeling good about it. Self-care is really hard during times of transition, but I know it’s important! I hope everyone is doing better too.

    10. matcha123*

      I went on 3 first dates with 3 men I met on dating apps. The first two were okay, but, neither have contacted me back. The last was better. I don’t really know, but I don’t think there’s any harm in meeting him some more to see how things go.
      I have an extremely hard time relating to or feeling happy for friends who want to get married or have kids. I have to keep reminding myself that they have their own versions of happiness. But, if they get a promotion or a good job, I feel genuine happiness for them and ask for the details and invite them for a drink. If they tell me they are getting married or are pregnant all I can think is, “Why would you do something like that?”
      It also makes me think about my own relationship with my very small family and I’ve started to wonder if I’ve been missing out on something important. It seems that everyone around me has family to fall back on, and I don’t.

    11. Shrunken Hippo*

      My depression has gotten worse this week. I’m in a lot of pain and have a chest cold so I’m not able to exercise as much as I would like. It leaves me feeling lazy and I’ve noticed that I’ve gained quite a bit of weight which also doesn’t help with the feelings of depression. I’m still waiting on a call from a pain management specialist so I don’t really want to try too many new exercises in case they make my pain worse. It’s so frustrating that I just want to sit in bed and cry all day.

  41. Stephanie*

    Also, thanks for all the housing suggestions! I went to Michigan about a month ago and found a cute place in the West Village. Moving in six weeks.

  42. Antagonist Relations*

    Ask a Manager D&D and RPG fans there’s now a groups.io group (link in username).

    Everyone’s welcome; whether you’re completely new to the hobby and looking to try for the first time or you’re an experienced player looking for a new online game or just more people to talk tabletop roleplaying games with.

    Come and chat, set up an online game, talk about a gaming podcast.

  43. Don't need two roofs!*

    I’m being sued by a roofing contractor because because they claim I didn’t cancel, which I did. I’m so angry because I’ve had to get an attorney and pay someone else to fix my roof! Now today I got served with the papers – I’m seeing red! Anyone have any advice for me?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t have much advice, but my immediate thought is do you have anything in writing showing you cancelled within the required time frame? I’m guessing there was some sort of agreement that laid out the terms. If you have something in writing, like a sent email, did you show it to them?

      1. Don't need two roofs!*

        Unfortunately I cancelled over the phone, so no. I’ve never hired a contractor before, so I wasn’t as cautious as I should have been.

    2. neverjaunty*

      Do you have an attorney for the lawsuit, or was it for the previous contractor? I would talk to that person and see if they are the right person to help you defend here, or if they can recommend someone.

      The most important thing to do is DON’T ignore the lawsuit; you have a set time to respond to it or they get a default (i.e. they win if you don’t show up).

  44. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Talk to me about Bullet Journals.

    I was looking on Amazon for a cute new notebook that I can use to take notes while I’m training for my new job and I sort of fell down the rabbit hole of journals and accessories.

    What do you all like best? What should I avoid?

    1. Bazinga*

      Moleskine has some nice ones. I did a month or two of Bullet Journaling then gave up. Buzzfeed actually had some good articles about getting started. Plus there are a couple helpful YouTube videos.
      Not exactly a bullet journal, but I got a great 5 year memory book on Amazon. It just has a couple lines a day. Each day has space for 5 years worth of notes. So April 14, I can comment in 2018,2019, etc. And when you go to write in it in subsequent years you can see what you did in previous years on that date.

      1. VIT (Scotland)*

        My grandmother had a bunch of those! We found them all in a box after she died and they are comically boring. It was actually really funny going through them because they were really small and she couldn’t fit much for each day so it was things like ‘Ate toast for breakfast. Saw a friend for lunch’ and the next year’s line was like ‘Ate oatmeal for breakfast. Went for a walk.’

        They seem like a really cool idea but man did she write the most boring stuff in there. It’s actually brought a big smile to my face to remember that, so thank you :)

    2. Triplestep*

      A lot of what you see online in social media is not true bullet journaling, IMNSHO. If you need something really simple, check out Ryder Carroll’s original Bullet Journal video and website. If you are crafty and like scrap-booking-type crafts, the “spreads” people post might be more your style. Its just not mine.

      I use a lot of what Carroll developed for his system, but not all. I use a disc binder like the ones you can get at Staples under the name “Arc” but other companies have them and they are mostly interchangeable. (i.e. you can use a cover from one company and inserts from another.) I ordered a slender cover from Levenger, and smaller-than-standard discs on eBay. Lots of people buy larger-than-standard discs, but it was more important to me to be able to carry this thing at all times (one of Carroll’s princicples for BJ) and this allows it to fit in a small cross-body bag I have. I just take the really old stuff and put it in a book I leave at home.

    3. valentine*

      I’m obsessed with notebooks and journals and wish I could fill them. I use a plain, chunky spiral memo book because it’s the easiest to let go of when I’m done with each page.

  45. Kj*

    Baby question: I’m 15 weeks and realizing ALL the things I have to do before I hit 40 weeks. Parents: what did you really NEED when you brought your baby home? I am utterly confused by all the lists and the price differences between basic items. I’m unlikely to have a baby shower as I hate them and am 500 miles from family, so this is on husband and I.

    1. Overeducated*

      Congratulations! I’m going to chime in here because I had my kid while a grad student with very little money or time, and my list of necessities was much more bare bones than most of my friends’ who had kids when they had more money and big showers (I didn’t have one because my friends were students too and I didn’t want to make them buy stuff).

      Need: car seat, crib OR other safe sleep arrangement (bassinet, pack and play, etc.), some onesies, swaddles, diapers, wipes, a washable surface to change on, and whatever you need for feeding (formula and bottles, nursing pillow, and/or pump). I found it useful to have a small notepad to keep track of feeding and diapers but lots of people use apps.

      Next step non-necessities that are very useful: stroller, chest carrier, baby outerwear, diaper bag (but you can just use a regular bag too, they’re not magic).

      Luxuries that we didn’t even get: swing, rock and play, mobiles, diaper genie, wipe warmer (?!), monitor (we were in a small apartment so only got a cheap audio one for travel later on), kud specific furniture like changing table or dresser. I do wish we had had a swing or rock and play though, people said they helped a lot with naps.

      Books, toys, etc. are nice to have later but not strictly necessary for a newborn, plus people are most likely to get those or baby blankets as gifts so you don’t have to seek them out.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Co-sign all of this.

        Also, get a pack of cloth diapers even if you’re planning to use disposables; they are fantastic for wiping up messes and catching baby goo. There will be so, so much goo.

        I’d also recommend putting together a kit of baby first aid necessities like diaper ointment, mild pain reliever (check with your pediatrician), a teething ring, a thermometer, etc. You don’t want to be running to the pharmacy in the middle of the night.

        1. Overeducated*

          Oh yes thermometer is a good one! I forgot because mine was a gift, but the ear thermometer has come in handy so many times. The other medical stuff you can generally find at the grocery store on one of your regular pre baby shopping trips.

      2. Kj*

        Thank you! I was wondering about diaper bags, we have other bags and it seemed odd that I’d NEED a diaper bag (plus some of them are $100+). Insurance gives me a pump and a car seat is easy too. I’m thinking of doing baby in a box for the first couple months for a sleeping spot.

        Nursing pillows: I see a lot of variation. How do you pick one out?

        1. LilySparrow*

          IIRC, I got a chance to try some different kinds of nursing pillows at a La Leche League meeting early on.
          Id say you really need to test drive them, because nursing positions are very idiosyncratic to how you & the baby fit together and what’s comfortable for you.

          I nursed my 2 kids in very different positions because they had different needs & issues, and my body changed too.

    2. Enough*

      Been a few years (20+) A crib. Eventually a high chair but can wait till they can sit up. Car seat of course, one with a removal cradle type seat that you can use to hold baby when you’re busy is good. Don’t buy clothes in sizes of six months or less. Babies grow very fast and will out grow them fast. I found night gown type clothes were great. Made it much easier to change diapers. When it’s warm they really don’t need much to wear. My kids wore t-shirts or onesies a lot. Again babies grow fast so don’t buy a lot of any one thing or size. Baby monitor. Some kind of changing table. Can be part of a dresser or stand alone. I used a wooden port-a-crib that could be raised to a good height. When they get mobile a play pen may be good to keep them from wandering too far and keep the toys corralled. But basically after crib, car seat and diapers at birth you don’t need a lot. As far as anything else it will depend on your lifestyle and your child. They don’t need most of the items marketed to new parents. Buy set of pacifiers just in case the baby turns out to be a sucker. It is easier to break them of the pacifier habit then giving up the thumb. Not all kids will take a pacifier which is ok but I found it very helpful.

      1. Mephyle*

        “Don’t buy clothes in sizes of six months or less.” Unless your babies are the small and slower-growing type, and at six months they’re still wearing 3-month sizes. And you look at the 1-year and 2-year clothes that you received as presents (because everyone gifts baby clothes big because ‘they grow out of newborn sizes so fast.’ Ha!) and you think, “Ze’s never going to be big enough to wear those!”
        After the baby is born and starts growing, you’ll have a better sense of what size range you’ll need.

    3. Red Reader*

      If someone in your family does want to do something shower-like or otherwise wants to know what to get you, and you’re comfortable requesting it — I don’t have any kids, but I lived on the other side of the country when my nephew was born, so for their baby shower, I stretched my gift out and sent them a homemade gift certificate that basically I would send them one box of diapers per month for his first year. Every month I checked with them for the current size/brand needs and sent a box via Amazon – cost me about $25-30/month because Amazon covered the shipping, helped them out greatly, and let me spend the budget that I wanted to spend (he’s my parents’ first grandbaby, my brother’s step-kids were teenagers when he married my SIL), but not all in one lump sum. My SIL said that having it stretched over his first year like that was great for them. (I mean, not to toot my own horn here exactly, but. Hah.) So if people ask you, and you’re comfortable telling them, something longer-term like that might prove useful as well. (I originally offered to pay for a diaper service for the first six months, but they preferred disposable diapers to cloth, so I went with this instead.)

        1. Red Reader*

          That nephew and his big sister turned 6 and 17 in January, so this year their birthday present was one book a month for the year. I don’t see them but once a year or so, usually at Christmas. I’m a big fan of spreading the gift-giving out – makes the fun last longer for everyone, and also lets me stretch my gifting budget more. (I need to pick out their books for April too.)

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Overeducated’s list is great so I’m not going to duplicate it. If you’re in the US, search for a kid’s consignment sale in your area as a cheap place to get baby things and clothing. They’re most common in the southern United States but have moved north in recent years. It’s sort of a cross between a garage sale and a consignment shop. The sale is held over a weekend about twice a year. The person running the sale provides the place, the workers are all volunteers, and sellers bring their stuff priced and ready to sell. The fall sales should be around August/September. Some sales let expecting moms shop in advance. All sales let volunteers who work at the sale shop early and you can have someone else volunteer on your behalf. It’s a great way to get everything in one fell swoop.

    5. Forking Great Username*

      My must have items: crib, car seat (plus an extra car seat base for our other car), stroller, changing pad, diapers, bottles, a pump and breast pads if you’re breastfeeding, formula if you’re not (or even if you are, just in case), some kind of snot sucker, diaper rash ointment, baby Tylenol (the first time you need this, you don’t want to have to run to the store for it!), and onesies/super basic outfits (look for either PJs with snaps in the front or onesies that have the kind of shoulders that allow them to be removed without pulling the onesie over the kid’s head – that will save you when blowout diapers happen.)

      Things I loved having that aren’t necessarily a must – mileage will vary per kid: swaddling blankets, a carrier (we used a Ktan wrap in the early days and then got a Tula), Rock n Play or Rock n Swing, play mat for tummy time, baby monitor, and a diaper genie (FIGHT ME. A regular trash can with a lid was absolutely not enough to stop the smell even when emptied daily, and I’m not taking the trash out every time the kid poops.)

      Things we bought and then barely or never used: Pacifiers (though they’re cheap and I’d have some in case – but neither of our kids liked them), a baby food maker, baby shoes, any kind of bouncer or exersaucer, baby bathtub, pack n play.

    6. Intel Analyst Shell*

      I have a 5 month old and here are the things we use(d) daily (I’m including the brands of the items I remember but it’s of course not necessary):
      – Graco Pack n Play with changing table attachment – provides a safe place for baby to sleep and a place to change baby the first few months.
      -Diapers
      -Wipes (we used the Sam’s Club brand Sensitive and baby girl has had no problems with them)
      – ALL baby detergent – you can use any detergent that is “free and clear”, so no dyes, scents, etc
      – Carseat
      -Fisher Price Rock n Play – another safe place for baby to sleep, baby slept in this for the first 3 months before we moved her to the bassinet part of her Pack n Play
      -Formula/Bottles (I did not breastfeed so if you plan on it you may not need this stuff)- Don’t go crazy stocking up on these, a couple bottles and a smaller tub of formula will last you. Baby may need to try a couple different formulas and nipples before they find one they like. We use Similac Formula and Avent Bottles/Nipples
      -Ankovo Thermometer – can read from the forehead and ear, our girl runs hot like I do and this gave some serious piece of mind.
      -Diaper Genie Expressions – NOT a necessity but man is it nice to have. This one is smaller than the original.
      -Boudreaux’s Butt Paste – diaper cream. We used this brand because my cousin is a nurse at a nursing home and this is what they use on any of their patients who use diapers and have mobility issues. It’s a weird gray color and has a non scent but man does it work. Baby has never had a diaper rash.
      -Infant’s Mylicon Gas Relief
      -Tommee Tippiee Pacifiers – again get a couple different options for baby to try
      -Fisher Price Soothe and Glow Giraffe – Something that plays soothing music and a soft light
      -Gerber Cloth Diapers to be used as burp clothes – the best advice I ever got. Super absorbent and sturdy.

      – Don’t buy a lot of clothes. People will inundate you with more clothes than baby will ever wear. Do be sure you have a variety of sizes, say NB, 0-3 and 3-6 when baby arrives since you never really know how big baby will be.

        1. LK03*

          The Pack-n-Play is super, super useful because it folds up into an amazingly small package and therefore doubles as a portable crib for road trips and overnight visits. You can get mattress pads and crib sheets designed to fit a P-n-P (smaller than a standard crib mattress). Highly recommended if you ever plan to travel by car with the baby at all.

          Once the baby is too old to swaddle, check out sleep sacks. Kind of like a sleeping bag with armholes — safer than blankets when they are little, and more likely to stay on all night even once blankets become okay to use. Our kid can unzip herself and get out of the sack on her own now (she’s almost two), but most nights she stays in and stays warm!

          Another suggestion: Check your local charity/thrift stores for baby clothes. Our local one (similar to a Goodwill, but a local organization) has baby clothes for $1-2 per item. Most of them are in near-mint condition — probably things that kids grew out of before using much! So other than gifts or hand-me-downs from friends, almost all of our kid’s clothes are from there.

          I second what folks are saying here about not needing all that much, especially when the baby is small. And you might want to have your mental planning schedule set for about 36 or 37 weeks rather than 40, just in case. ;) Congratulations, and enjoy the ride!

    7. Thursday Next*

      A baby nail file (you can’t clip nails for a while) and those long sleeve onesies that fold over their hands—because babies scratch themselves!

      I am uncoordinated and found it useful to have swaddle me blankets so I didn’t have to figure out how to use a regular blanket. Baby #1 loved being swaddled; it calmed him like magic.

      Baby nightgowns (some have those fold over sleeves) are great for those first weeks/months when you’re changing diapers all the time. Easier than unsnapping or unzipping footed sleepers.

      The nightgowns and onesies come in multipacks by Gerber’s—so hit your local Target!

      If you’re planning on nursing, one thing that I didn’t know I would need, but found indispensable, was a nursing pillow. Mine was by My Breast Friend. It buckled around the waist, so when Young Sir would fall asleep on it, I could support the pillow with my hands and use the bathroom. Because if I moved Young Sir off the pillow, he’d wake up.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Good call on the file and foldover sleeves. Seconded. Those little nails are like razors.

    8. PNWflowers*

      I liked a convertible car seat versus an infant seat for a few reasons: it saved us money, I didn’t want to cart a heavy car seat around over one arm and it prevented anyone from letting my children sleep in the car seat which is not a safe place for babies (they can slide down, lose their airway and suffocate). I second not needing a specific changing tangle, you can really start small & simple. I also recommend a temporal (forehead) thermometer over a tympanic (ear) thermometer. Tympanic is really hard to get accurate, and babies don’t like having stuff shoved in their ear canal. The temporal is pretty easy to use on a sleeping infant even and provides a core temp (more accurate). All you really need is a safe place to sleep (dock a tots are NOT rated for sleep and are a suffocation risk, despite how their marketed), diaper and a car seat. The rest are details. You got this! Also- you could have a baby shower of like diapers or gift cards, if you’re not sure what exactly you want/need

    9. LilySparrow*

      You need:
      A carseat that passes safety ratings.
      A safe place for baby to sleep
      Enough seasonally-appropriate clothing to keep baby comfortable between laundry days (estimate 3 changes of clothing per day for body fluids)
      Diapers (6-8 per day)
      Swaddles (3-4). I liked the ones with a foot pouch and Velcro, and the big squares of plain muslin.
      A way to feed the baby. (You’ll still want a couple of bottles even if you bf)
      Things to make you comfortable while you feed the baby (I liked the Blessed Nest better than the Boppy)
      Burp rags or soft washcloths or cloth diapers to wipe up the spitup & drool.
      Something to change the baby on, preferably at a height that spares your back.
      A lidded container to dispose of diapers or hold them for washing.
      A way to comfortably transport the baby – stroller, sling/wrap, or both.
      Ummm…really, the baby needs very little. As long as they are fed, dry, warm, and loved they don’t care.
      Most of the stuff you need is for managing body fluids and stink, and for your comfort.

  46. The Other Dawn*

    Although I’ve decided to forgo surgery for now and try a couple other things–an inversion table and cortisone injections the other day which actually seem to be working this time!!–my husband will definitely need surgery this year. The doctor said there’s a procedure they can do, which was something about scraping out the remaining disc…and that’s all he remembers (he’s terrible about asking questions, writing stuff down and remembering in general). The second option, if they can’t do that procedure, is fusion. L5 S1.

    For those of you that have had spinal fusion, please tell me about your experience. I’m curious about the recovery time, pain levels, PT, time out of work, etc. He works corporate security and although the job is mostly sitting in the control center, he does need to be able to respond to medical distress calls (nothing beyond CPR, defibrillator possibly, calling 911 and monitoring the situation) and anything else that requires him to walk the building. On the weekends he needs to be able to complete rounds of the building, which is quite large–one complete round is about two hours and about two miles roundtrip. Other than that, he’s not active beyond working around in the yard or the garage.

    2. Kuododi*

      No experience with spinal fusion, but a heads up if you’re taking cortisone injection and are in treatment for thyroid issues. I learned the hard way when I got cortisone shots in my spine about six months ago. My endocrinologist warned me I would have fluctuations in my levels as a result…took about two months to get back to baseline. Best wishes!! Hope.you find some relief.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks!

        It seems as though the third time (this time) was the charm. I was pain-free yesterday, and was able to sit in a hard chair for two hours and then stand after that for two hours! That hasn’t happened in a very long time. And I’m sleeping through the night. I will say, however, that it appears the level of pain experienced during the injections seems to impact the amount of pain relief I get. The first round of injections weren’t bad at all, but I got very little relief. The second round was a little more uncomfortable, but I got a bit more relief. This time the injections were Not Fun (lots of F bombs were suppressed), but I seem to have gotten a lot more relief.

    3. Natalie*

      Spouse had:

      – 3 days in the hospital after surgery
      – several weeks of heavy duty opiates, which meant no driving and would probably be a no go for a security guard
      – several months of physical restrictions, no lifting over 15 pounds, no twisting at all
      – no PT, but he was instructed to walk 60-90 minutes a day

  47. The Other Dawn*

    Any tips for visiting Washington DC? Cheap eats, things to see (besides the National Mall), etc. Things to avoid? Things to know?

    I’m going on a business trip in early December and will be staying in National Harbor. I plan to drive. I’m bringing my husband and he will need to entertain himself for three to four days, during the daytime, and he’s not great at that. The big plus, though, is that he loves history so there will be a lot he can see while I’m in the conference. I see there’s a water taxi that stops at the National Mall, so I assume he will do that.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Do NOT drive into the city if you can avoid it. Traffic and parking are a nightmare. Leave the car at the hotel and use the Metro/taxis/Uber/Lyft whatever to get around.

    2. Overeducated*

      I think the water taxi goes to Old Town Alexandria, he might like walking around the historic area there and maybe grabbing dinner with you after work. Could be pretty with the lights in early December too, I think they have a big Christmas tree lighting one of the first weekenfs.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      If it helps, the conference is 12/02 through 12/04, so we may get there 11/30 and stay until maybe 12/07. Depends on the hotel rate before and after the conference. Work will pay for the hotel for most nights, but obviously anything outside of the conference is on me.

    4. Music*

      The first thing to know is that national harbor is up to an hour from DC, no matter which way you travel — driving is expensive and circuitous and parking will difficult, transit will take some transfers, and no, there’s no water taxi to the national mall. Your best bet is to build some time into the trip and actually stay in DC before or after your event. National Harbor is built to be a self-contained community, so you won’t lack for places to eat, but it’s an unfortunate mistake if it’s been marketed to you as DC.

      If you really want to make the trip a few times, a taxi or uber will run you $35-45, from your hotel to the city center. Do that.

      1. Engineering consultant*

        They just opened up a new route from National Harbor to the District Wharf, it seems. While not a direct route, at the leas the Wharf is only about a 10 minute walk from the National Mall.

    5. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Not super cheap, but I highly recommend trying one of Jose Andres’s restaurants if you can. My personal favorite is Zaytinya, but I’ve never had a bad meal at any of them.

      Also, yes, definitely avoid driving in DC.

      1. PseudoMona*

        I love Zaytinya! The last time I was in DC for a 4 day conference I ate there three times.

        1. hermit crab*

          I think (hope?) that was meant to refer to the DC metro area rather than the actual Metro!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’m thinking I’ll see what the hotel rates are once the conference is done and then see if I can find something comparable in DC afterwards. I haven’t looked at DC prices yet, but I’m guessing they’ll be more expensive than National Harbor. I’d want to stay at the hotel where the conference is while it’s going on so I don’t have to deal with travel to and from each day. If it’s too inconvenient for my husband to sight-see or he doesn’t feel like it, he can stick around National Harbor for those few days.

          1. hermit crab*

            The Gaylord is a conference hotel so its rates tend to be high – I wouldn’t worry too much about rooms being more expensive closer to the city, especially in early December. If you want to stay and do some sightseeing after the conference, I recommend staying near a close-in Metro stop in Arlington and taking transit. I live along the Rosslyn/Ballston corridor in Arlington and it’s super convenient to downtown.

          2. MsChanandlerBong*

            I have had excellent luck with using Hotwire to get D.C. hotels at an awesome price. The first time I used it, we ended up at the Sofitel around the corner from the White House. I used it again in 2016, and we ended up with another really nice hotel (although I can’t remember which one it was). I know we ended up at the Sofitel for $110/night, which is fairly cheap for that area.

    8. GoryDetails*

      I’ve only been in DC once, but had a lovely visit. High points for me included an evening bus-tour of the major Presidential monuments, including the Lincoln and Jefferson ones and the not-as-well-known (at least to me) FDR one, all worth visiting. And for food, I strongly recommend the Mitsitam Cafe in the National Museum of the American Indian; it serves foods inspired by different regional cuisines from the Americas, cafeteria-style so you can mix and match if you want, and I found it both unusual and really, really good. (The museum itself is well worth the visit, too.) But of course there are zillions of things to do in DC and it’s not possible to even skim them all on a single visit. Hope you have a great trip!

    9. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      NMAAHC. (Or the National Museum of African American History And Culture.) My family went to DC just for that. It’s close to a full day thing, but it is so worth it.

      1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

        You have to reserve (free) tickets for this one, still, so do that in advance! The National Museum of the American Indian is fabulous as well and near the Botanical Gardens, if gardens are your thing. The NMAI also has the best museum food of all the Smithsonian museums! In Dec. the Botanical Gardens are very nicely decorated. The Udvar Hazy Air and Space Museum is quite the drive from DC but totally worth it if you’re into that. My dad is a docent there… it has a space shuttle in it, a B1 bomber, a Concorde, the Enola Gay, etc.

    10. Roja*

      We used to take the red line to Union Station just to get food, since it’s easy for people who want different things to buy whatever they want but still eat together. There’s so much there, and the architecture is cool too. I recommend the Botanic Gardens… I think they get shoved aside for the larger museums, but they’re really pleasant and worth a visit. We loved the Spy Museum too.

    11. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Museum of African American History and Culture and the Newseum are must-sees for me. Portrait gallery to see the new Obama portraits. Eat at the cafe at the Museum of the American Indian (the museum isn’t great but the food is representative of various North American native cuisines and is outstanding). If you like bookstores, Kramerbooks and Politics and Prose are outstanding.

      Sigh, I love DC.

    12. Engineering consultant*

      Agreed with others that National Harbor is nowhere near or an easy drive to DC – there’s no direct route from National Harbor to the National Mall, but there may be private shuttles.

      Oldtown Alexandria, VA is right across the river from National Harbor, and it’s chock full of history. I believe they just uncovered a THIRD colonial-era ship in Oldtown, but I’m not sure how long it’ll be on display. Don Taco in Alexandria is cheap and delicious.

      If your husband can take the car for a day, I recommend driving from National Harbor to Mount Vernon, George Washington’s estate.

      If you make it into DC proper, here’s a few things that might be of interest:
      – National Museum of American History
      – National Museum of African American History and Culture – get advance tickets!
      – United States Holocaust Memorial Museum – get advance tickets (free)
      – seconding the rec to eat at one of Jose Andres’s restaurants; not cheap eats (my definition of cheap eats for DC is under $20/person), but well worth the money: Jaleo, Zaytinya, Oyamel, or China Chilcano
      – Teasism in Penn Quarter is a cheaper-priced option in the area for lunch
      – the USDA’s cafeteria is open to public, and it’s located right off the National Mall (many years I ago I interned at the USDA and I would often see tour groups nabbing a bite).
      – the Newseum requires paid admission, but it’s good for 2 days
      – Gallery Place (aka formerly Chinatown) has a variety of “cheap eats” food options, such as Cava Grill, Daikaya (ramen), matchbox, vapiano’s, etc

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I had dinner at Jaleo this evening. SO GOOD. Went to Oyamel years ago, and Bazaar in Beverly Hills. Jose never makes a bad meal.

    13. Nana*

      Hop On Hop Off bus…great in any city. A little pricy, but ticket is good for 24 hours.

      Smithsonian is HUGE…with lots of satellite buildings

    14. valentine*

      See if the Washington Ballet has anything on. Do not stand on the left side of the Metro escalator. If you have a group, skip steps between you when standing on the right, for people who can’t walk the whole way down in one go. I loved helping tourists and their matching T-shirts made them easy to spot. If you’re going to a museum and walking distance is critical, look up which station is closest. Do not assume it is the Smithsonian stop.

    15. Belle di Vedremo*

      There’s so much to see and do in DC and the general vicinity. One option for your hubby is to look at some of the surrounding options, eg Mt Vernon, Monticello, Eastern Shore, Baltimore Harbor with the USS Constellation and some other ships (and a cool aquarium) and see which he’s most interested in and which you’re also interested in seeing. Then he can spend a day driving off to see one while you’re conferencing, and you can do another together. Same with some of the other sites in DC or closer-in. So much depends on particular interests and schedules.

      I do recommend staying off the major roads around rush hour, so that may mean driving after 9am and after 7pm. Even outside of rush hour those road ways are busy and all the commuters know where they’re going. Even the metro/subway is packed around rush hour, and with the maintenance they’re trying to catch up on I hear it’s even more so at times.

      The Mall is really cool, especially in good weather. I loved seeing people jogging, playing frisbee, picnicing, etc, in view of the Capitol. It’s easy to spend a few days mostly there, as it includes the Capitol, the Smithsonian and National Gallery of Art buildings, and the Lincoln Memorial. The Vietnam Memorial is really striking in person in ways it isn’t in photos. The National Christmas Tree should be up, and there are concerts around it in the run up to Christmas. The Kennedy Center will have some freebies then, too. Everything I’ve heard about African American History Museum is rave reviews, but you’ll need to order your passes well in advance.

      There should be river boat sight seeing and/or dinner cruises available. Old Town Alexandria has lots of shopping, but also some historic sites. There was an article in Thursday’s Washington Post about unearthing 3 ships buried there as part of preparing to build something new. (I’ll post the link in my reply to this, don’t know if they’ll still be visible and if they’ll be blocked off or available to visit.) There are trolley tours, of the hop on/hop off variety, which can be a nice way to get an overview with the option of stops at different locations. When I moved away, it had become standard practice to check ID and any shoulder bags/backpacks/purses going in and out of busy buildings.

      Hotels in DC will save you time, so factor that in as you compare prices to those at the Gaylord. Spending an hour driving up, then finding a place to (pay to) park, and reversing that will eat chunks of your days, and maybe of your comfort balance if you’re dealing with discomfort standing/sitting/walking. It may be worth it to you, but it may not.

      There’s the usual city food, and there’s some terrific food. Think about what you like, what you’re willing to spend, and look around for reviews that match. The Washington Post publishes a dining guide every year, and there are usually reviews in the Food section at washingtonpost dot com. You’ll need ID to get into the federal buildings with cafeterias, if you go that route. Food there was reasonably priced (for DC) but entirely unexciting when I worked nearby. Smithsonian museum cafes are better than average but not cheap; the trade off is being able to stop and eat without losing the time of going off to find food and coming back. There should be food carts around, for hotdogs and sometimes other stuff, around the tourist and office areas. Carry your own water, individual bottles are really expensive – and consuming them as you go reduces the weight you’re carrying.

      December weather can be anything, so plan on indoor and outdoor options and versatile outerwear. DC winters are often of the 35 and raining variety, but are sometimes warmer and sometimes icy or snowy. And it’s a big city, so implementing introvert/empath care while there always helps when I go back to visit.

    16. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks, everyone, for the suggestions and information! I’ve decided that I’ll stay at the conference hotel for the conference duration, and then switch over to a DC hotel for another few days. I’ve taken into consideration all the information you’ve given me about the drive, routes, etc. and did some checking on my own and, yeah, it seems like a giant PITA to travel from National Harbor each day and deal with the traffic and parking.

      And to the person who mentioned the USDA cafeteria…that’s so interesting! I checked out their menus and the food looks delicious. Any idea on the pricing? I didn’t find anything.

      1. hermit crab*

        It’s really cheap! (Or it used to be, I haven’t been there in quite a while.) It’s not primarily meant for tourists so you avoid tourist pricing.

      2. MindoverMoneyChick*

        I second or 3rd the recommendations to consider staying in Arlington if you can get a cheaper hotel there. I’m in the Crystal City area and it is only 3 metro stops for there to the L’enfant metro station on the Mall which is near the Air and Space Museum. They have a ton of hotels in that area. It’s also really near DCA if you are flying from that airport.

    17. Belle di Vedremo*

      Hmm, my comment disappeared so hope this isn’t a duplicate. What to see and do depends greatly on what you two find interesting.

      When I moved away, most public facilities were asking for ID and to check any bags (purses, backpacks, etc) so plan on that. At peak times the lines to check those can be long.

      One suggestion is to look at regional day trips. Hubby can do one or more of those alone since you’ll have a car. Things like Mt Vernon, Monticello (a bit of a hike), maybe the Eastern Shore. Baltimore Harbor has the USS Constellation and other ships (but that’ll be north, so a longer day from the Gaylord). There should be riverboat tours, scenic or dinner cruise, if you’d like that look at the area.

      There are a lot of concerts and events around the holidays there, paying and free. Some of the museums & the Library of Congress have concert series which can be amazing, and of course the Kennedy Center (which has nice views from the rooftop plaza.)

      Things not to do:
      Travel during rush hour. If you can wait til after 9am to drive or take public transportation you’ll have a more comfortable trip. Head back before 4 or after 7. Fares for the metro are higher during peak travel. Parking is really expensive.
      Try not to eat a peak times, the lines and wait times will be so much shorter.

      Moving to a DC hotel: as you look into pricing, think about the relative time savings of shorter commutes and the cost of paid parking as you compare with the Gaylord.

      DC weather in December can be anything. If you plan on it being 35 and rainy, and take layers, you should be set whatever you get.

  48. HRH The Duke of Coriander and Gomasio*

    Woke up in a strange mood after seeing a musical last night about the weight of secrets in a family and how it shapes us. Haven’t seen or heard from certain members of my stepfamily in over 10 years due to a massive falling out that occurred when I was a teenager. They were always nice to me and it makes me feel sad.

    1. fposte*

      Do you want to reconnect? That’s usually pretty nice for the people receiving the request, and if you were a kid at the time it’s not like you were at fault for any of this. Facebook makes some pretty low-key reconnection possible.

  49. Loopy*

    Okay I think I’ve gotten myself in a sticky situation. I’m getting married and someone I volunteer with offered to put my in touch with her niece who does bridal hair professionally.

    Upon reflection after agreeing to talk to this woman’s niece, I realized I didn’t want to hire anyone with any connection to me, even a few levels removed, in case I’m unhappy with the service or something goes awry. However I’ve already left for the week and she’s already planning on putting me in contact with her niece.

    I actually found a place near my venue and I’d like to lock them in this week. However volunteer buddy will be getting back to me with info/contact info from her niece when I return next week.

    Is it okay to lock in with the other people and still politely take the niece’s info and just ask about prices to be polite? I’m thinking a very basic price inquiry won’t be wasting anyone’s time and that way I can just say I found someone else who suited my budget better, right? I’d like to handle this as politely as possible… how do I do that? I’m already feeling stressed about blowing off volunteer buddy’s kind offer so I *know* I shouldn’t hire her niece, no matter how lovely she is.

    Thoughts?

    1. Anona*

      Why not just tell neice that you ended up going with someone else? If you already know that’s what you’re going to do, why not cut out the other step?

      2. Loopy*

        I don’t have niece’s contact info yet. Volunteer buddy automatically started acting as a go between and it felt weird to push for someone’s contact info off the bat since she doesn’t work with a salon. Obviously I would need it at some point, but I didn’t feel comfortable getting pushy about how she went about it.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          When she gives you the info say, “Thanks, I will consider this.” And that’s it, end there.

          If she has the niece call you, tell her thank you very much but you did end up finding someone.

          That’s it. Don’t make it big in your mind’s eye. “Oh, I found someone but thank you for helping me”, with a light, happy tone of voice.

          1. Loopy*

            Thanks! I guess I was making it too big of a thing.I’m always afraid of hurting feelings, before there’s even been potential hurt feelings!

        1. valentine*

          Yes. Nip it in the bud so she doesn’t push or make promises she expects you to keep. If she tries to guilt you, remind yourself you don’t have to take on her offer or feelings. Maybe think of it as her doing sales for her niece, if that decreases the feelings quotient. While you don’t need a reason not to want to hire niece, think about how her being solo would affect you if everything went horribly wrong and you needed to sue.

    3. Lady Kelvin*

      Just treat it like you are getting a recommendation about anything. “Oh thanks, I actually found a hairdresser nearby that will do just what I want. I appreciate the offer though.”

  50. Nicole76*

    How does one go about choosing where to live?

    I was born and raised in Chicago and have lived in the general area my entire life. I’m getting really sick of the cold, though. Now that my husband’s kids are older and rarely have time to get together, and my own family seems uninterested in hanging out as frequently as we used to, we’ve been thinking about moving to a new state. Arizona has been tossed around since my husband has family there, but I’m not so sure I’d enjoy living in the desert full time. Sure, I’ve heard the argument before about Flagstaff, but I’d like to see more greenery day-to-day, not just on the occasional road trip. I also think I’m starting to develop arthritis so somewhere too humid might not be the best idea.

    Just the thought of trying to scope out places remotely, and then traveling there to get a feel for the area is overwhelming. How do people make these decisions? I’m so worried it will end up being a mistake but likewise I feel like if we stay put I’m going to regret it. I’m ready for a change!

    We’re very risk adverse people so that doesn’t help matters. Any advice would be welcome.

    1. Bazinga*

      Sit and make a list of what you would want in a new place. Some requirements, that you must have, and some wish list items-would be nice if they had x. Then try to do some research. Join some online/social media groups based in the areas you’re interested in and ask questions.
      Then whittle down to maybe 3 top contenders and stay at Airbnbs in those areas. Good luck!

    2. fposte*

      I think it could be a tall order in the US to get everything you want–generally places that are green are green because they’re moist, for instance. You might also have considerations in there like cost and access to major cities/airports.

      What about weighting what you want–could you put up with the the rain of the PNW for the absence of winter? Is the banana belt of Idaho a better winter for you? If you could get a better winter than Chicago without an increase in summer heat/humidity, would that be good enough?

    3. CAA*

      Have you seen the Teleport website? It recommends places that might interest you based on tags you select. It might help you narrow things down, and then you could visit one or two. I’d try to spend at least a couple of weeks in winter and summer before moving full-time to a new place. Also, try to live like a local while you’re visiting. Stay in an AirBnB or VRBO and check out the neighborhoods instead of focusing on touristy things.

    4. valentine*

      Where do you want to be on your best and worst days? What do you want to see and to be near? What non-desert, less-humid place sounds good and also has jobs for you (if that’s an issue)?

  51. Home improvement ideas*

    We are converting our under-house 2-car garage + semifinished unused space into a finished basement and building a new 3- car garage/workshop.

    The basement is walk-out and will have its own bathroom/shower. Half of the finished space will be TV/rec room type space. The other half (currently a single car 25×14 garage bay) is going to be a “hobby room.” The idea for this space is for all dH’s non-woodworking and non-auto related hobbies (those go in the new garage). Things like his drone, beer brewing (we can plumb in a sink easily), model building, etc. also a space for our kids to do big projects (school projects, maybe Lego, build stuff with dad, etc).

    Where we are stuck is what kind of flooring makes sense. We were thinking carpet, but in the hobby room carpet doesn’t make sense. It will be heated/drywalled, so just putting garage floor type paint on doesn’t make sense- we’d like to put it over a subfloor. Tile seems impractical but it’s what will be in the bathroom. We could hardwood the whole thing? Or maybe carpet for the entertainment area and laminate of some kind (what kind?) in the hobby room?

    Does anyone have a similar hobby/craft space? How is it finished?

    1. msroboto*

      Look up garage floor tiles. They look cool and come in different colors. I think sometimes you can remove one or two if they get broken or stained and replace.
      I have never used these just seen them on auto shows but worth looking into.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Does you basement get the least bit damp? If so, you might find it cost effective to just go with some concrete floor paint.
      I have an above ground room here with a concrete floor. I opted just to paint it because of the dampness on this whole property. I bought one of those buckets of paint on a reduced price because someone did not like the color. I thought it was gray paint. I got it home and opened it. It was purple. I LOVE my purple floor. It looks great and the colors of other things in the room don’t fight with the purple color that much.

      1. Home improvement ideas*

        Dampness isn’t really an issue for us, thankfully.

        We are not going to concrete the whole thing because we definately want “livable” space in at least half of it. It’s concrete now where the garages are, and ugly 60s tile over concrete (probably asbestos, woo-hoo!) in the semi finished part.

        We’re thinking of vinyl tiles for the craft/hobby room portion, but wasn’t sure if there were better options out there.

        1. fretnone*

          Vinyl rolls are easy to lay, relatively cheap, and so easy to clean. The better quality ones are a bit thicker and provide some padding underfoot (especially lovely in winter).

          They come in all kinds of styles these days.

    4. Slartibartfast*

      I have slate tile in my basement. It’s OK as far as moisture and durability, but I wouldn’t drive a car on it. Maybe those ceramic tiles that look like wood?

  52. Anon around the world*

    What do you take into account when moving across country for short term (half a year)? I have a car but not sure if it’s worth it to drive it over or have a service deliver it. Naturally, if I took the car I’d be able to bring more of my stuff than flying (like my gaming computer, don’t trust shipping it). But that means spending 4-5 days on the road through mostly rural areas. Also, this is presumably all paid by myself, no help from others.

    1. Enough*

      Depends on how much you like/hate to drive and how much you need the car at the other end.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      I’ve done two four-month stints cross country.

      If you’re moving somewhere with decent public transit, I’d skip the car. You can take a lot of Ubers for what it will cost to have someone else ship it, or even the cost of 10 days on the road, with gas, wear and tear, food and hotels (and possible breakdowns). That assumes you have somewhere to store it locally, though.

      For other stuff – if you fly, check the airline’s second bag policies before booking tickets, and pack two bags full of clothes and personal items. Wear your winter clothing on the plane, even if it’s August, and pack your smaller electronics (camera, laptop) in your carry-on.

      For the gaming computer, have you checked out options like FedEx where you could get insurance for damage during shipping? Back up the hard disk first, of course.

      1. Anon around the world*

        Ah, I didn’t even considered Uber, and it’s definitely in an area that has pretty solid transit from researching into it so that could work a lot better.

        I’ve looked a bit into some of the insurance policies but I should look at other companies as well. I’m pretty paranoid about it (it’s the first one that I custom built myself) so part of me is thinking over what parts I can take out of it and pack into my suitcases (they’ll need to be packed separately anyways to prevent banging around and unhooking, etc.). And yes, I’ll definitely be backing up the hard drive :)

  53. nep*

    Just came across a post on my LinkedIn about the Netflix documentary ‘Take Your Meds.’ Anyone see it? Thoughts?

    1. fposte*

      I’m seeing it listed as “Take Your Pills”–that’s the same thing, right? Reviews vary but it looks interesting.

      I just read the Longform excerpt of Barbara Ehrenreich’s new book “Natural Causes: An Epidemic of Wellness, the Certainty of Dying, and Killing Ourselves to Live Longer” and have downloaded it to read. Not as specific, but it looks like another interesting interrogation of current health practices.

  54. Anon and alone*

    Has anyone here done a research sleep study? I’m thinking of signing up for one (don’t know if I’ll qualify to be in it or not) and would like to hear any stories. Mostly, stuff like: Was it helpful? Informative? Boring? Any tips would also be useful.
    More info: it’s to study the effects of melatonin on the sleep cycle and there will be blood draws, also three (or four) periods of 72 hours in lab.

  55. nep*

    Waterproofing the basement — tips? experiences?
    The cause in our case appears to be broken-down seal in driveway cracks and between driveway and house foundation.
    Rain (even moderate) = wet basement. Every. Time. (We need a few dry, warm days in order to re-do the seal…but that probably won’t happen till after lots more rain.)

    1. nep*

      P.S. I find myself brainstorming about a way to divert the water from the line along the base of the house as a stop-gap till we can reseal things…

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Is the basement damp or do you see water running down the walls? Is there water on the floor? If yes, can you measure it with a ruler because there is so much water?

      One more: Is you home built into the side of a hill?

  56. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    Running thread! (I slacked two weeks ago and then saw The Librarian’s and Ruth’s last week). Anyone else got any races coming up?

    Also wanted to check in on A bit of a saga from a few weeks back. Hope everything is going well!

    (As for me: NJ in two weeks, my club’s singlets came in Wednesday, and I somehow ended up getting dragged into another long run after my 20 miler last week.)

    1. Red*

      I have a 5k next weekend. Between the flu, my husband being in the hospital, and a sprained ankle, I’m way unprepared. I’m just going to walk it lol. Though, I have one at the end of next month too and with buzzfeed’s 4 weeks to 5k plan, I think I’ll be just fine for that one :)

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Good luck! It sounds like you’ve had a hell of a week – sorry to hear that.

        1. Red*

          Thankfully, it was all spread out over a month, but yeah – March was a trainwreck of badness. I’m just hoping this means I got all of the bullpoop out of the way and will do beautifully in May!

          1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

            You should be fine, I think. I mean, you actually have six weeks (if it’s Memorial Day weekend), which should be enough time to get to where you want to be. And hopefully you don’t hit any more speed bumps.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’m running a half marathon in Asbury Park next weekend. I’m excited. The weather is supposed to be perfect as of now (though of course that can change) and my last long run today went really well. This one is going to be my 36th half! Llama Grooming Coordinator, make sure you relax and take care of yourself these two weeks — I actually kind of enjoy the tapering phase!

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Good luck – and that’s awesome! I’m sure you’ll do great.

        I’ll…try to remind myself to stick to my plan! I’m looking forward to having an excuse to not run as much, but I have difficulty saying no and sometimes think I’m invincible.

    3. A bit of a saga*

      Hey! Thanks for thinking of me:-) I raced in Berlin last Sunday and everything went well – I finished in just over 2:30 with a bit of side wind and lots of sun, running all the way, which was a goal of mine , so overall very pleased! Great atmosphere and 36,000 fellow runners. I’ve now signed up for another couple of half marathons in other EU cities.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Congrats! Especially on being able to run the entire way – that’s something I couldn’t do on my first half!

        You’ve definitely got to keep us posted on your next races.

    4. MotherRunner*

      I’m running a half in a few weeks. I feel prepared, and am just hoping for good weather. It’s been unseasonably cold here lately.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        …tell me about it. (In my neck of the woods it went from 70 yesterday back to 40 and raining. I’m just glad I’m not in the Midwest – which looks like it got another blizzard in mid-April!) Good luck on your half – hopefully you have great weather for it and it’s not too cold or too hot.

  57. Aphrodite*

    CraigList free section: a good story.

    I had two faux trees, both almost eight feet tall. They were interesting at one time but for the last year or so have become annoying to me. So I put them up on CL, hoping I might get rid of them quickly. And I did! Within five minutes I had my first email. A polite lovely older couple (as it turned out) said they’d come out the next day when I got home from work, and they kept their word. I had numerous other emails, some of whom were rudely abrupt; thankfully, I didn’t need to deal with them. The trees are gone, my house looks much better, and it was a good, easy transaction.

    1. fposte*

      Isn’t that nice when it works? I had a truly lovely experience giving away stuff on Nextdoor.com last year; the guy really wanted to make sure I had a lot of information about him so that I was comfortable having a strange guy come to my house.

  58. fposte*

    Baking question: if you measure by weight and not by volume, does that mean you can quit with the @#$% sifting? I don’t bake as often as I used to, but I was thinking today that sifting is mostly a historical legacy and I have to do it because I’m baking with recipes where that was how things were measured. If I converted the volume of sifted flour to a weight, could I just go by weight in future? (I realize that the fluctuations of volume may mean that the weight isn’t an exact match, but if I find one that works I bet it’ll be more consistent anyway.)

    1. Myrin*

      You absolutely don’t have to sift (learned a new word here, by the way!) when you weigh flour. I mean, I still do it because I like the consistency better when I get my hands inside, but even then I only do it after weighing it. It works exactly the same with or without sifting.

      1. fposte*

        That’s the traditional view, but cooks/food science people like Rose Levy Beranbaum suggest that a mixer does a lot better job. I also think where it’s likely to matter is when you *add* the flour, not when you measure it, so if you had something really delicate like a genoise where a little flour was being added you could measure the flour by volume and sift or strain (RLB’s suggestion) it in slowly. I’d be fine with that but the sifting to measure would be great to say goodbye to.

        1. Myrin*

          Yeah, that’s the thing you kinda always used to hear but it… literally doesn’t make a difference if you sift or not. I bake a lot, I make at least one batch of baguettes and one bread a week (and I’m from Bread Country with a lot of tried and true recipes of old), and sometimes I’m too lazy to sift and just dump it all in and there’s absolutely no difference at all in the outcome.

          1. fposte*

            I think a lot of these are customs from when flour was less reliably processed and before electric mixers were a thing, so they made sense then but don’t necessarily now. That’s why I’m intrigued by hardcore people like Levy who say “Nah.” For that matter, what’s what I like about America’s Test Kitchen/Cook’s Illustrated–it’s all about busting the myths of things cooks were told to do for ages that turn out not to be true.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I rarely sift flour, but I have learned to be diligent about sifting baking powder! I have been getting more lumps, and lumps of bp are GROSS.

    4. PX*

      In all my cooking, I’ve always seen it referred to as a way to get air into the product if you want an especially light finish (eg light sponge cakes) and just to ensure there are no lumps. I’ve always baked by weight and if I’m feeling fancy will sift, but I’ve never really thought of it as a function of weight vs volume measurements (although obviously I know it has an impact).

    5. Red*

      I don’t know the answer to your question, but I do know that I just run my flour through a food processor instead of sifting and it does the job just fine.

    6. foolofgrace*

      If the recipe is a relatively modern one and it still calls for sifting, I always sift. They must be telling you to sift for a reason.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Unfortunately not. Many recipes use old fashioned instructions for no practical reason, and measuring by volume in itself leads to wide variations in outcome. Important things to pay attention to are the temperature of the ingredients and the order of adding them in. If you do butter+sugar then eggs then flour you’ll get a completely different result from eggs+sugar+butter+flour.

        Sifting doesn’t matter anymore though, except where it will affect the measurement as previously noted (you’ll have less flour in the cup by not compacting it with a scooping action).

    7. periwinkle*

      I still sift, but do so as a way to get more even distribution of the dry ingredients and make sure there aren’t any solid clumps or foreign objects like cat hair (although TBH anything I cook or bake will have cat hair in it, which is why I don’t bring goodies to work).

      1. weigh dry ingredients
      2. put dry ingredients in one bowl
      3. sift into another bowl
      4. make yummy things

    8. Bobstinacy*

      Sitting is mostly a relic from before modern flour milling processes. I’m a professional baker and I only sift if I’m dealing with something naturally clumpy (cocoa powder, my nemesis) or if I’m working with something really delicate (some sponge cakes etc I’ll sift the dry into the egg mixture so I don’t collapse the air structure).

      99% of the time I just use a whisk to combine dry ingredients. If you’re using pastry flour you might find that it’s prone to clumping because it has a high moisture content but even that can usually be broken up by mechanical action.

      2. oranges & lemons*

        This is where I land on the sifting issue as well, so it’s comforting to have validation from a pro.

    9. CAA*

      I bake by weight. If the recipe doesn’t have weights, then I just use the one on the bag of flour, which is usually 30g = 1/4 cup. Sometimes I still sift after weighing though. It depends what I’m making and if I think it needs it. For example, I always sift the dry ingredients for macarons because they’re just so touchy and I think they’re more likely to work if I sift.

      I also write notes on my recipes (all my favorite cookbooks are marked up) so I know if something needs more or less flour or something else next time, and if I see a pattern in a book of multiple things needing the same change, I’ll adjust future recipes from that author accordingly.

    10. dr_silverware*

      Yeah! Though I would still sift in two instances. One is where you’re homogenizing two dry ingredients (eg cocoa powder and flour in brownies). And two is where you’re trying to get everything combined with the absolute least amount of mixing, like a really delicate cake where you’re trying to avoid developing gluten and a stand mixer can absolutely overmix the batter.

      But I really rarely sift anything. I think, in most cases, you’ll be good just weighing out the flour and not sifting it.

  59. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

    Came back to report that the cat with the suspected UTI from last week checked out with the vet on Monday as…. having a UTI. Shes been on her antibiotics and was back to racing around and bouncing off the walls within two days. Thanks for the reassurance.

    Vet (as told to partner) concerned about her weight but I refuse to feed Royal Canin weight management kibble. Does anyone have any suggestions as to helping a cat lose weight? I’m pretty sure she has some ’emotional issues’ with food as she was extremely tiny when we got her and was either taken from her mother before she was weaned or was a runt and never got a fair shot at food. That cat’s default is to stuff things in her mouth (at least it makes giving her pills easy!).

    1. greykitty*

      Is there a particular reason you’re against prescription food (I’m guessing that’s what the vet recommended)? My own bias – my cats are in early renal disease, age-related, and it’s amazing how prescription Purina has helped.

      Does your cat eat wet, dry, or both? Do you do timed, measured feedings? Some cats really enjoy kibble balls so they ‘hunt’ for their dry food.

    2. fposte*

      With most cats, the easiest thing to do is diminish grain in the diet, which usually means wet food. Somebody here found a low-carb dry food for their cat that wouldn’t eat wet and found that helpful as well.

    3. Windchime*

      I’ve had vets prescribe the special kidney diet food to several of my cats over the years and they wouldn’t eat it. Apparently it doesn’t taste or smell very good.

      They make dishes for dogs (and maybe for cats, too?) that help them to eat more slowly. Something like this:
      https://www.amazon.com/Feeder-Bloat-Outward-Hound-Large/dp/B00FPKNRF0/ref=pd_lpo_vtph_199_bs_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=52ANAYTE93EMDBRX1219

      Maybe that would help her to eat more slowly?

      1. greykitty*

        Mine did not care for the Hills kidney wet or dry, but Purina is a whole different story. There are several different manufacturers of prescription foods and vets can usually order from any of them. Cats are just so darn picky!

        1. JaneB*

          Mine needed anti-Crystal-forming food – and she would only eat royal canin brand kibble and hills brand wet food (naturally both the most expensive option of that type in the local store). Cats are just cats about these things

      2. Slartibartfast*

        Kidney food tends to be bland, it’s the nature of the beast. Fat, protein and salt have to be restricted. But I digress.
        With cats, slow and steady weight loss is very important, losing too quickly can cause serious liver issues. So it’s important to cut down slowly on what she eats.If she’s your only cat, this will be much easier. Switching to a feeder toy instead of a bowl is a great way to limit calories and increase exercise. Laser pointer, DaBird toys, anything you can do to increase activity. Low carb is a great option for cats. Purina Proplan indoor cat formula is what I used, Wellness, Acana, Royal Canin all have good options.

    4. periwinkle*

      I really really really hated having to switch from the high-quality dry I’ve been feeding my cats (Acana) to the corn-filled prescription dry food required by my youngest boy kitty. However, considering he spent two days in the hospital due to a urinary blockage which required surgical intervention, corn-filled food it is! Since we free feed, everyone had to make the switch. I refused to even try Hill’s because I’ve never had a cat who would touch any version of Hill’s (prescription or otherwise). I tried out the Royal Canin prescription kibble and they all love it.

      So try the Royal Canin. If you object to the ingredient list, there are several brands that make weight management options which are corn-free or grain-free.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Ah great – thanks for the suggestion. Yeah, its the switch to the corn-filled stuff after specifically feeding them food that doesn’t have a lot of corn fillers. Also, we have two cats and Boy Kitty has tummy upsets with some types of food that have corn in them. He has never been as big of an eater as his sister, but he still has a mouse pouch underhang and could do with a bit of dieting himself.

        We did switch this week to a packet of wet in the morning and wet at night and they do seem much more sated than with the kibble in the morning and wet at night. I had switched bowl sizes from one large bowl to two smaller bowls (actually airline dishes) with the same amount of kibble, but girl kitty eats it all. We’ve tried puzzle feeders and the ball thing and she will use them for a bit and then realize its easier to just sit and complain until someone feeds her as usual.

        Edit – I went ahead and ordered the RC after reading the reviews to see if that helps and will follow the instructions on feeding. May be that we will just need to feed in separate rooms for a bit if it upsets the boy.

        1. greykitty*

          It’s tough – it did take me a while to adjust to moving from the super duper ‘all natural, all this, all whatever’ food to a prescription food that didn’t seem to have the ‘right’ ingredients, in my own head. However, for me, way better bloodwork repeated for several years and healthier acting kitties had me on the ‘I don’t care this is made of recycled tires’ train. That said, I have senior panels done twice a year without fail. And, yeah, the foods to help with crystal formation can be a godsend.

          My vet spent phone time with both Hills and Purina vet/registered feline dieticians about the diets as well (my boy has a ‘delicate’ tummy and had struvite crystals when he was young – at that time Hills CD did the trick). I’ve never done RC, but am glad they’re out there in case we ever need to try that line.

          An aside about kidney food. I know a cat who refused all the wet and dry prescription brands. Vet recommended certain Fancy Feast wets (very specific suggestions- classic, under a certain protein level). Obviously, get your own provider’s opinion, but another giant help for this very finicky cat with renal issues.

          Good luck with your kitties!

        2. Close Bracket*

          My fat kitty also got UTIs because she was fat. I fed her Royal Canin calorie control high protein, both wet and dry, because she was really fat and that is the lowest calorie food on the market (at the time). You can also reduce calories by reducing how much you feed, but then they get hungry. What you need is a balance between feeding her enough that she doesn’t get super hungry and controlling her calorie intake. Research the calorie content of different foods, pick one that has an ingredient list that you like and lowered calories, and use trial and error to figure out how much of it your cat needs to feel fed.
          Since UTIs are a problem, don’t feed all dry food. They need enough fluid to flow through the bladder and prevent bacteria from taking hold (kind of like humans). Cats don’t have much of a thirst feeling. You can get extra fluid in them by feeding wet food and especially by mixing a tablespoon or two of water into their wet food.

    5. Emilie*

      My cat got bit wobbly, and I’ve handled it by weighing her food and then slooowly giving her a gram less every week or so. She’s not noticed the amount of food has changed, and it’s easy to regulate a bit up or down, to find the plateau where she keeps a healthy weight. It’s a pretty long process, but I’ve skipped out on having a hangry cat.

  60. AnonyAnony*

    My husband is scheduled for rotator cuff surgery soon. Any suggestions from those who have been through it as either a patient or caregiver? He’s been told he’ll be in a sling for six weeks and to expect full recovery to take months, so we’re prepared for a long haul. TIA.

    1. Menacia*

      My hubby had a similar surgery about two years ago, he slipped and fell tearing all but one one tendon off his shoulder, it was the most awful thing I ever saw, his arm just dangling there. They also had to put his shoulder back into place in the Emergency room, and he was yelling his head off. Thankfully once it was back in place and a temporary sling put on, he was much better. He had his surgery on a Friday, and on Monday was starting to do physical therapy, which is different than what was done previously (taking more time to heal). Now the concern is over a frozen shoulder if (gentle) therapy is not started right away. His sling was big and bulky, and thankfully we have a recliner he was able to sleep in, he never would have been able to sleep in bed. He was out of work for 6 months, he had a lot of sick time saved up so he was able to fully focus on his recovery instead of having to go back to work. He was completely compliant with his therapy and even did his own exercises at home, he had a pulley that fit over the door which helped him gain strength in his arm. A side effect was that he gained weight because he was bored and so he ate snacks when he was home, but he took it all off when he started feeling better and had more mobility without pain. It’s not going to be easy, but the alternative (not getting surgery) far outweighs getting it done and then following the prescribed therapy. I know people who did not do the therapy immediately and then had to have multiple surgeries to get rid of the scar tissue and unfreeze their shoulder. Movement, even though it will hurt, is the best way to recover, though you have to be careful not to tear anything. Good luck (to both of you!)

      1. AnonyAnony*

        Thanks for this information – it’s really helpful. Your husband’s injuries sound awful. Glad his surgery and recovery seem to have gone as well as possible. Fortunately, we have a recliner and assume my husband will be sleeping there for awhile.

    2. Belle di Vedremo*

      It’s amazing how hard some things are with only one good arm, as he may already know. Make sure there are easy clothes to pull on and off, buttons are hard with one hand but crew/high necked things are miserable to take off one handed. Make sure there are things that’ll be easy to open to eat. Think about bathing options, and what he can and can’t do for himself for the duration as it’ll change throughout his recovery.

      We protect injured parts, and that can throw other parts out of alignment over time. Don’t be surprised, but do include those things in conversation with the PT team as they arise. Eg, with a shoulder, the other shoulder often shifts especially if the non dominant side is uninjured, which draws the hips out of alignment. So making sure that some of the exercises include all the parts is important.

      Think about how to readjust household stuff, both to make sure that you can reach everything and so that he feels useful in helping with tasks that he might not usually do.

      If you have pets, assume that they’ll be attentive to him and want ways to be helpful. Eg, my cats wanted to sit on my shoulder, so figuring out ways to do that that were comfortable for both of us mattered. They helped a lot, so it was worth figuring out how to make it work.

      Some medical folks will say that “full recovery” is considerably less than full rotation. Plan on getting back to full rotation, ask for it, and he’ll have to work for it.

  61. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

    Anyone here a CrossFitter? Even better, anyone here a fat, very-out-of-shape, or super beginner CrossFitter?

    I just started, and I love my gym (…. I refuse to call it a box), and I’m shocked by how much I’m enjoying it (after doing virtually no exercise most of my adult life). Annnnnd I’m terrified every time. I check the WOD the night before every workout and have to talk myself through how I will scale it and get through it. So far I’ve only bailed once because I was too afraid of the WOD.

    I’d love to chat with folks!

    1. Sheep*

      I’m a crossfitter of 6 months! I love the box – drank the kool-aid… I went from pretty much no consistent exercise to 4 times per week at the box. My favourite part is lifting heavy stuff, but I also like the variety.

    2. oranges & lemons*

      I’m intrigued by crossfit but haven’t tried it. Would you mind speaking a bit about what you like about it? To be honest, the main thing that has turned me off is what I’ve heard about the culture. I’m not interested in going somewhere that’s really focused on weight loss or harassing me about diet or whatever, but maybe these things are location-specific? I do like weight training though.

      1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

        What I love about it is mostly specific to my gym. It was designed, from its inception four years ago, as an explicitly social-justice oriented space. That means it’s radically inclusive (all body types and abilities are celebrated, queer and trans folks make up the majority of members, etc.). They offer several full scholarships to queer folks and POCs. The gym does a lot of justice work itself, and invites members to participate. There are classes that are restricted to femme, trans, and women members. They run a 6-week on-ramp program for beginners (which is how I got started).

        What that means in practice for me is that I feel (mostly) safe bringing my fat, very out-of-shape-self to the gym. I’m not always the biggest person there. I’m not always the slowest person there. And when I am, my gym buddies are 100% supportive and enthusiastic. And the workouts themselves are all-consuming… so I don’t even really notice when I’m the last person finishing a workout. It’s hard to be self-conscious when literally all your attention is going towards getting through the exercises.

        As for the CrossFit workouts in general… I like how varied they are. I like learning the new movements, and I like coming back to the ones I’ve learned to see if I’ve improved. The first time I did box jumps I cried (with excitement) all the way home. I would never ever have thought I could do that, and I did, and it was exhilarating. I’m excited for that feeling when I do my first pullup or hand stand or whatever else. The most fun workout was the day I realized I could step up onto the box with no assistance… which we’d done in my first-ever workout and I hadn’t been able to get up without hanging on to my partner’s hands (and to be honest, pulling against them).

    3. Be the Change*

      I do crossfit. :-) I can’t call myself new any more, since I started 2.5 yr ago on a long visit to a different city. I’d heard about it, and the long visit seemed like a good time to try new things. I was really lucky to find a gym which is highly developmental in approach; they had a two-week onboarding class which was taught by an adorable little 19-yr old girl. She knew what she was doing and she was very sweet and encouraging. I instantly loved it. When I got home I found a local gym which also turned out to be low-key and encouraging. I go there 2x per week and another club 3x per week. Crossfit more than 2x per week is too hard on my nearing-50, never did fitness before this, no history of activity self.

      For Oranges & Lemons, the culture is indeed very gym/box-specific. Look on Yelp or whatever, or call up and talk to some of the coaches. Ask if the focus is on competition or personal health and fitness. I would not stay a minute in a box where people hassled me about weight or diet. Everyone in my place is very kind and funny and encouraging, with no pressure to perform, although the coaches will nudge.

      There’s also a lot of concern about getting hurt. In my experience, people get hurt when they are not paying attention to their own capacity and let their pride get involved. It’s my responsibility to make sure I’m scaling appropriately and not trying to compete with anyone but myself. This may mean pushing back against a coach, but again, in a good box with a developmental focus, saying “No, I don’t feel right doing this one more time/at this weight” should be the end of it.

      I like it because it’s…fun? In a “Thank goodness that one’s over!” sort of way. I’ve gotten myself through many a workout by telling myself, “If I can do this, I can deal with the crap at work. I’m the boss, I need to be the tough one who doesn’t give up, so practice here.”

      1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

        After my first regular CrossFit class (after the 6-week beginner program I did), I left the gym thinking “Man, that was a great way to start the weekend!” … and started laughing, because I’ve literally never had a feeling like that about exercise. It’s so great.

        (but also I punked out this morning, because I’m still afraid of failing and ashamed at my level of fitness and even my beloved gym hasn’t totally overcome those emotions!)

    4. nep*

      I do ‘cross-fit-like’ things, but never been to a box. Functional movements and variation are part of the definition of Crossfit, and both of these things are great for fitness.
      I’ve done Olympic-lifts training at a Crossfit place that has one area sectioned off just for weightlifting — It’s a local barbell club that uses this space, completely separate from the Crossfit.
      I’m most intrigued and inspired by Oly lifting so that’s where my heart is.

  62. Anonymous Ampersand*

    Need an opinion.

    Tomorrow I’m supposed to be a) going on a craft workshop then b) meeting up with friends (both have also recently left abusive relationships, they are an important part of my support network).

    Today I am totally overwhelmed by the entire universe, alternating between furious and extremely depressed, and trying to figure out if I can take sick leave next week (it’s possible but would be extremely bad timing). My living space is disgusting (not my fault but I’m the only one who can fix it) and I’m surrounded by chaos.

    Sensible Head says:
    The money is spent either way
    There will be other workshops
    Sleep and space and gentleness-to-self are actually more important than anything else right now.
    I’ve had a very social couple of weeks one way or another and I’m people’d out… if someone wanted to come round and hold me while I cried or help with sorting out my shit tip that would be fab but that’s not what tomorrow would be.
    You’ll be much better able to go to work Monday and look after small child this week if you have a rest tomorrow.

    Panic head says:
    I can’t waste the money!!
    I can’t let my friends down!! (And one of them hasn’t been replying to my messages this week and I must see her to find out what’s wrong/did I do something to offend her????)
    The workshop will be good!! (Probably true, but not actually so good it’s more important than looking after myself)

    I think it’s very telling that panic head is all double punctuation and sensible head is not.

    But I’m too tired and upset and fraught to believe this, so I’m throwing it out there for you guys to weigh in.

    1. Windchime*

      I think it sounds like you need to take at least part of next week off, at the very least. As far as the craft workshop; only go if you really want to go. If you would feel better sleeping in and then doing things around the house, then do that. Like Sensible Head says, the money is spent either way. As far as trying to track down the friend who isn’t responding to texts — sounds like she may not really want to hang out, either.

      My head, which is feeling pretty sensible at the moment, says that you should take care of yourself. Slow things down and be good to yourself. Set a small goal to help set the apartment right–it doesn’t have to be spic and span from top to bottom. Maybe just make a goal to clear one surface. Or to just wash the dishes.

      Take care. I’ve been where you are and it can feel very overwhelming.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Yeah the problem is I’ve only worked 2 days of the last 3 weeks so taking more time off would be Not Good.

        The friend has messaged now all excited about tomorrow.

        Aaargh. I have to take tomorrow off. I’ll message her just now.

        Thank you.

    2. valentine*

      Skip the workshop and sleep or clean, whichever will put you in a better place. Skip or shorten the meetup and sleep or clean, etc. If you’re skipping both, what would you do if it were a home spa day? Are you being too hard on yourself about the cleaning and are there ways you can triage as you go, like having a big catchall box to dump everything in so it’s not cluttering every surface and keeping wipes to hand for a quick tidy after meals? When you have more time, Marie Kondo recommends activity bags/boxes that treat everything like knitting, where you get the receptacle when you’re going to do the thing, then return everything to it and it to the shelf when you’re done.

    3. Anonymous Ampersand*

      In a possibly stupid twist – I skipped both workshop and meeting my friends, hunted Pokémon for a couple of hours, then did my food shopping and walked home with three heavy bags. I could have got the bus or a taxi but I decided to walk. I don’t know.

      Since that I’ve put the TV on and dozed on the sofa. I plan to have a bath later and get all the stuff into the right rooms.

      Feeling like I made the right choice.

      Thanks!

  63. Nervous Accountant*

    My moms called up my husband (she talks to him) and said she was ahving an episode (high blood pressure, heart racing) and this may be the end and was telling him where all imp docs are. I was at work at the time.He told me when I came out about 30 minuteslater. We called her and she said she took some medicine and felt fine n0w. After a lot of tears and begging her to go to the ER. She went to a primary Dr and said she was perfectly fine.

    I’m travelling in 2 weeks to wrap up legal work and bring her home. All I could think was…..jfc I cant’ go through this again so soon after my dad. I can’t take another sudden flight and go through it all over again. And since the last fewdays I’ve just been thinking…… I honestly don’t know if she will live very long w/o my dad and I’m just bracing myself. :(

    1. Not That Jane*

      I remember your post from yesterday about work stress in the aftermath of losing your dad. Sending internet hugs if welcome, it’s so stressful and scary.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Having problems with a racing heart or a heart stopping are fairly common grief symptoms. Is she in a grief group or seeking any type of counseling?
      Has she been to a cardiologist since your dad passed? Or was it the PC who gave her the blood pressure med?
      My father was a major heart patient. I can’t picture him being able to list off his doctor’s addresses if he was having an episode. I am saying this to point out that actions speak louder than words. No doubt in my mind that she felt scared, but telling your hubby all the docs addresses does require some wherewith all.

      It’s also true that sometimes when one spouse passes the remaining spouse follows. Statistics show a spike for two years after the passing of the first spouse. That said, most spouses I know have lived on for decades after losing a spouse. A higher mortality rate for across demographics is not the same as a high percentage of surviving spouses.

      Does anyone live closer to her? Does she have a neighbor who would be willing to do random check-ins? Does she belong to a church that might have helpful people? I totally agree that you cannot be handling this by yourself, the distance apart adds more complexity.
      I am thinking that if Mom thought she was nearing the end, calling 911 is the appropriate response. Calling adult child in far away place is not an appropriate response. Perhaps a little chat about how to handle emergencies is due here, you would know best, though. My parents never did this to me, but calling up with a Big Serious Problem and then a half hour later everything is okay is Just Not Cool Behavior.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Sounds like a panic attack, which would be very normal under the circumstances. Is she sleeping and eating?

      I lost my mom first and dad is still with us, but he had to go on anxiety meds for the better part of a year to deal with his insomnia and drastic weight loss, which was dangerous at his age.

      These symptoms are common, but highly treatable if she and her doctor have awareness & are willing to treat them as medical conditions instead of “you’re fine, just upset.”

      I’m sorry for your loss & hope you & she are on a healing path.

  64. Loopy*

    I am on cloud nine. I just got back from my first trip to an Aldi grocery store (people call it Aldi’s here though).Prices we’re so low, I was throwing things in my cart like I didn’t know what a budget is! We need more stores like this with affordable produce especially! The blackberries were 1.19/carton. I want everyone to have an Aldi store!

    Does anyone else have these stores near them? Is this usual?!

    I kind of just also need people to be super excited with me.

    1. Amadeo*

      We have them around us here in So IL aplenty. There’s one in every town I can think of large enough to accommodate several shopping centers. I don’t like to frequent them too often because they’re usually packed and I hate dealing with crowds of people.

      1. Loopy*

        This one was in a upscale area, and was not crowded at all. It’s near a Trader Joes and Whole Foods and I think the locals prefer the shopping experiences of those. I guess I got lucky in regards to the crowds!

    2. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      There’s one next door to my office! It’s fabulous, but the produce is… not good. So I actually don’t shop there much, which is a bummer.

      1. Loopy*

        Ack! I’m hoping I have a better experience with the produce as I’m vegetarian.I once made the mistake of buying produce at Walmart and it was all around terrible. Someone told me all their produce is local (no idea how true that is) so I’m hoping that helps.

        I will have to reevaluate if the produce is yuck :(

      2. Triplestep*

        This describes my Aldi – produce is really bad, and since produce is most of what I buy, I just don’t go there.

          1. Triplestep*

            It was unappealing, over-ripe etc, and the store was kind of not kept up well. I just never ended up wanting to buy anything, so it was pointless to go. I only went a few times before giving up on it.

          2. Tris Prior*

            Either or both – but sometimes it’s fine. Over time you learn what’s good there and what isn’t. Peppers – generally good, and we eat a LOT of peppers so the low price is helpful. Salad – great, I prefer it to what I used to get at Whole Foods! Mushrooms, potatoes, onions, carrots, all fine. Fruit can be iffy. Raspberries are generally OK as long as I look at them first to make sure they are ripe and not moldy. Their strawberries are always underripe. The apples and oranges I’ve gotten there have been kind of tasteless and the texture is off. I have NO idea what they do to the bananas but they’re always horrible, in my experience. And avocadoes, absolutely not.

            At my Aldi, their iffy produce is more than made up for by their AWESOME and cheap cheese!

              1. Tris Prior*

                Just keep a close eye on them – the Aldi avocadoes seem especially susceptible to the thing where 1 minute they’re unripe and hard as a rock, and the next minute they are brown mush. (and, yours might be fine! Aldis vary so much from store to store.)

      4. LilySparrow*

        We actually have two near us. The closer one, I must say, is not well-kept, heavy on the junk food, and had sad produce. The one I frequent is newer, always very clean, has an excellent selection of organic and gluten-free products, and very nice produce.

        So I think it really depends on the store manager or the part of the market they’re trying to capture in a given location.

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      People near me rave about Aldi, so I checked out the one closest to my house. I was disappointed – it was dingy and not well organized. But apparently the newer/remideled ones are better, so I tried a different one that’s only a tiny bit farther away, and HOLY COW. It was like night and day.

      Unfortunately it’s not convenient enough to go every week, but now I try to go once a month or so.

      1. Loopy*

        So this was like a cut-my-grocery-bill-in-half difference, which would save me probably at least 80-100 or so dollars a month. For me, that’s worth putting up with bad organization and dinginess. I think I was so ecstastic about the prices I didn’t even take note of either of those things though. It was in a very nice area, right near a Trader Joes though, so it might have been one of the nicer stores.

        Mine isn’t near me either. It’s about 10-15 minutes beyond were I volunteer every Saturday though and about 25 minutes home. So maybe an every other week trip?

      2. Tris Prior*

        Quality definitely depends on what neighborhood the Aldi is in. Last year we moved from a not-great neighborhood to a nicer and richer area, and the Aldi nearer our new place is way better. But, the one in the old neighborhood sells booze while the new one doesn’t. I think that has to do with Chicago liquor laws, though, which can be weird.

        It saves me a LOT of money to get basics there – canned goods, cereal, dairy – so I make myself go there as often as I can, though it’s a bit of a hike. It’s not nice inside, either, or organized, and the aisles are annoyingly narrow, but I can put up with all of that given how much I save.

          1. Overeducated*

            Yeah I live in a nice area and my Aldi is good. The produce occasionally goes bad fast but a) not usually, and b) you can usually tell by date or apperance at the store before picking it up, and c) not at a greater rate than I’ve experienced at ANY other store. I think when it does happen its because we are picking over the end of a shipment of something with a short life (e.g. cilantro/salad greens) or seasonality (apples and clementines have been rough in the last few weeks). So don’t worry until you have to!

    4. nep*

      Everyone I know who shops at Aldi raves about it. I’ve been to the nearby Aldi just once and that was years ago when it first opened. Apparently it’s been overhauled since then. I keep meaning to make it over there and then I don’t; it’s just not in my shopping routine and when I’m out and about I don’t think about it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        The quarter in the shopping cart gets me laughing each time.
        I have only been a couple times. It’s hard to find many foods there without sugar and other stuff. The prices are not that much better to make me go there.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          It’s funny but it WORKS. Not only do people put the carts back to get their quarter, but if you’re wheeling a cart back, people will give you their quarter for your cart. You don’t have carts randomly blowing across the parking lot slamming into cars, like you do at Walmart and other groceries.

          The Simply Organic line has quite a few nice products and I think they’re lower in sugar, depending on what they are.

    5. Temperance*

      I grew up going to one, and it was really gross. Shady meat and kind of rotten produce. It smelled terrible.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Oh – that’s a good point. I am veg, but I absolutely will not buy meat for Boyfriend there. I don’t trust it. He did buy it once and said it tasted kind of off. No thank you! So if he needs meat, we have to make a stop elsewhere as well, and that is a pain in the ass.

    6. Nicole76*

      I love Aldi! I’ve seen a lot of people commenting on the quality of produce but haven’t had that experience. Also, they tend to have the most affordable prices on avocados. Enjoy your new discovery!

      1. Caro in the UK*

        Yes to the avocados!

        I love the Aldi near me, it’s one of the newer ones, so it’s much nicer to shop in than some of the older ones. But I still went to the much dingier one near my old house, because it literally costs half as much for the same stuff as the next cheapest grocery shop.

      2. Temperance*

        I truthfully haven’t been inside one in at least 15 years, give or take, so it has to be better than it used to be. I have friends rave about it, and in my head, I’m always wondering why they willingly shop there, because it used to be the gross store where you had to shop if you couldn’t afford the better store.

    7. Cruciatus*

      I love Aldi(‘s)! I admit I also add the ‘s to it though I know it’s improper. Trader Joe and Aldi are “brother” stores. In Germany, Aldi Nord would be like Trader Joe’s and was owned by one brother and Aldi Sud would be plain ol’ Aldi owned by the other brother. My understanding is they are separate companies but obviously related.

      Our city won’t ever build a Trader Joe’s, but at least we’ve got Aldis all over the place! Aldi is great for chocolate. It’s usually cheap but the chocolate is usually from Germany so it’s a slightly higher quality than most American chocolate. Around big holidays we make sure to get some chocolate from there. I just ate some of my Easter “egg” chocolate.

        1. Cruciatus*

          Well, they haven’t come out and said it, but it’s based on hearsay around the community. Once the local news did a poll for what did people want and number 1 was Trader Joe’s. Now with all the Aldi(‘s) it looks like a TJ’s is not in the plans. People also say they’ll never build a Costco because the enterprise that owns the land for Sam’s Club/Walmarts (and soooo much more in this city) will never allow a Costco to be built because of competition. This enterprise has a bit of a monopoly on all local land/businesses. I’m…not a fan. They thought the people wanted 3 IHOPs. I’m not against IHOP, but do we need 3? And we can’t get nicer places like Cheesecake Factory because it’s too “upscale” for our city. But that’s probably another story entirely!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Same here–we’ll never get a Costco. We’re too close to Bentonville. We only have one Target, too, which is ridiculous for the size of this city. It’s the third largest city in the state and only one freaking Target. Ugh. And it’s not even a super Target!!!

            We recently got a Lucky’s natural foods market (on the other side of town from me) and HOLY WOW. I want one up near me now.

    8. Loopy*

      I’m fascinated that people seem to have had such different experiences. Now I’m really curious as to what I’ll think about the produce. I wonder how much stores vary- it seems like they aren’t really consistent OR they used to be not so great and are getting better??

      1. nep*

        I’ve heard the same thing here — a lot of difference in quality and overall store condition from location to location.

        1. SpiderLadyCEO*

          I bet it has something to do with how the local store sources its produce/what’s available in the area. I’ve had a similar experience with Walmart, where the Walmart in my hometown has horrific produce/meat and I would never have considered getting groceries there, but the Walmart in NewCity has excellent produce and meat.

      2. Mary Connell*

        Yes, I can’t remember the last time I had a problem with the produce at Aldi. It’s been just as good as what I get at trendy grocery stores around here, and at a fraction of the price.

        I don’t buy chocolate chips anywhere else, and Aldi is my primary source for any chocolate or other candy. The store brand has good quality control, and I’m particular about quality and taste. Their specialty baked goods and seasonal buys can be excellent, many of them European imports. I’ve never had a problem with anything in the fresh meat case, and they have a selection of gluten-free and organic food.

        I alternate between Aldi and Costco, and find I rarely have to shop elsewhere. (I sometimes add TJs and specialty ethnic or produce grocers into the mix, but they’re all far away.)

    9. BravoMessenger*

      Love Aldi’s! Am fortunate enough to have one less than ten minutes away (actually pass it twice a day on my way to work). And there are two new/modeled ones within a twenty minute drive. We get our breads/eggs/lactose free milk/baking supplies and select frozen foods there. It’s not a store for ever since selection is limited but I enjoy it very much. My dinner (crackers/cheese/hummus) was completely sourced there.

    10. Overeducated*

      Yes! It’s my regular grocery store because it’s the closest to me, cheapest, and fastest to get through because it’s not huge. I shop elsewhere once a month or two for stuff I can’t get there, and don’t cook as much with Asian vegetables and herbs as I used to because they don’t sell many of those…but for the most part, the massive reduction in my grocery budget has been very very worth it.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I LOVE THEM
      I live four blocks from one of our two Aldi stores and I shop there almost exclusively. Today I paid $0.99 for blackberries. :)

      I especially like it when they have European stuff (they’re a German chain). They sometimes get this particular British cheddar as one of their special buys and I grab like four bricks of it at a time. They also just remodeled their stores to look more like Whole Foods. The one near me was closed for nearly six weeks and I was dying.

      1. BravoMessenger*

        Finished the last block of their red cheddar cheese last week (bought four) and was devastated…until I got a dill goat cheese thing and now I need to squeeze in a trip to the new Aldi that has it (not at my smaller close location).

    12. LilySparrow*

      I love Aldi’s! There are a few Staples I can’t find there (like wheat germ), but it is my favorite store and had radically improved how well we eat on our budget.

      Grass-fed ground beef $5/lb? Oh, you betcha.

      I’ve also done a bit of reading on their supply-chain, and am much more comfortable buying chocolate and coffee from them than most national brands.

      I have a dedicated quarter in my car console. You Do Not Touch the Aldi’s Quarter.

      1. Mary Connell*

        And olive oil! When consumer groups test olive oil quality among different brands and retailers, the Aldi olive oil always comes out at or near the top.

  65. Drama Llama*

    My friend “Aria” lives 20 minutes away from my house. On occasions when we meet she has asked me several times to drive her home. She doesn’t make a big deal if I say no, but I feel like she kind of expects it and she continues to ask me after I’ve said no several times.

    It costs about $25 for her to take an Uber. If it were me I’d rather just pay for the Uber than inconvenience a friend. She never offers to pay for parking or anything in return for me dropping her off. Not a single, “hey let me pay for coffee since you drove me home last time.”

    Is it just expected etiquette to drop off carless friends?

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      It might be that she really doesn’t have the money.

      However, I don’t have a car, and I only ask for lifts if I’m really stuck, and my default answer when offered one is No, because I don’t want to annoy someone who’s only being polite (not that I think that happens often!) but mainly because not having a car is my own choice and I don’t want my savings to be at the cost of someone else.

      So, that probably isn’t very helpful.

      1. Drama Llama*

        Considering her regular shopping excursions and the fact that she’s a high earning lawyer, I would be surprised if she genuinely can’t afford it.

          1. Hellanon*

            Yes, people who are unwilling to accept a “no” in a social situation are basically just rude.

    2. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Ugggggggggh. Friends who don’t drive/don’t have cars/whatever who expect others to drive them places are the worrrrrrst. It’s a significant reason I don’t see my oldest friend that much. It’s such a big imposition. Every single time, I have to pick her up and drop her off.

      She definitel can’t afford to Uber, but there’s good bus service between our homes. And never once, in 20+ years of friendship, has she offered to pay for gas/parking/etc.

    4. Bagpuss*

      Where do you meet? You mention she lives 20 minutes from you, are you typically meeting at yours, or somewhere between the two?
      I don’t think that there is an obligation to drive a car-less friend, but if you normally meet closer to your home than hers, she may feel that she is doing a disproportionate amount of the travelling?

      1. Drama Llama*

        It’s logistically difficult to meet near Aria’s place for most of the group. We meet in the CBD area which is a reasonable compromise for everybody.

    5. HannahS*

      I have a car, and was the only friend to have a car in high school. I did and still do drive everyone around, everywhere. To date (and it’s been almost a decade) I’ve received zero offers of gas, and certainly no let-me-get-you-a-coffee. People do always thank me for the ride, so I guess that’s something. Most of the time, I’m glad to do it, and these days I’m usually driving people no more than 10 minutes back to their homes.

      Maybe next time you meet up, you could warn her that you need to run a bunch of errands after, and you won’t be able to drive her home.

      1. Drama Llama*

        I hate that I have to have an excuse to not drive her though. Isn’t “I don’t want to add 40 minutes to my drive home and you’re an adult so sort out your own transport” enough?

        1. HannahS*

          Yes, of course. But you haven’t done that, right? So….go for it! Just tell her you can’t because it adds too much time.

        2. valentine*

          You don’t need a reason. You can tell her you won’t be able to drive her anymore. If she asks why, you can say that’s the bottom line. With no reason she can seize on as an obstacle to crush, you’ll be free. (When I couldn’t drive, I thought driving was super, easy, and fun, so I wonder if people who expect rides just can’t see it can be a burden.)

    6. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Reading all these, I would like to apologise on behalf of my fellow carless people. I had no idea that on average we were so rude :(

      FTR, I always offer to pay for parking/tolls etc when someone gives me a lift.

      1. Drama Llama*

        I don’t think many non-drivers think about the cost and inconvenience of driving other people. Or the fact that we’re not just driving you, we get drop off/pick up requests from a lot of other people too.

    7. Sparrow*

      I’m car-less and my mom taught me from a young age that when people give you rides, you need to offer to pay for gas. Especially if it’s frequent, out of the way for them, or you’re in life circumstances where money is tight. I live in a different part of the city from most of my friends, so when we take trips out of town I often pay them for gas and tolls and Uber from a convenient drop off point to my home to save them the extra 40 mins of driving.
      When people wave off my offer and seem to genuinely not mind dropping me home, I accept, but it should be on her to assume she has to figure out her own transport unless you tell her differently. And continuing to ask after you’ve said no is childish and rude.

      1. Drama Llama*

        That’s really considerate of you and if Aria was like this I would have no problem occasionally driving her home.

        But because she isn’t, it actually puts me off dropping her off even occasionally. I don’t want to set up an expectation or make it more difficult to say no later.

    8. LilySparrow*

      Maybe she likes riding with you because you are friends and she enjoys your company. If I had the choice between spending 20 extra minutes with a good friend versus an Uber driver, I’d always see if my friend were up for it.

      When you say “she keeps asking,” do you mean multiple asks on the same outing, or you say, “I can’t today, I have a Reason,” and she asks again the next time?

      Because if sometimes you say yes, and sometimes you say you can’t, then I don’t think she’s rude to ask on different occasions.

      If you don’t want to drive her anymore because it’s too far, then say, “I’m not giving rides anymore, it’s too far.”

      If you’re willing to do it if she chips in, ask her for gas money.

      You said she never pushes back when you say no, so just tell her no once and for all instead of resenting her for not being psychic. If she’s a halfway decent friend, she’d be appalled that you keep doing this even though you don’t want to.

      And if she’s not a halfway decent friend, you’ll be well shut of her.

      1. Drama Llama*

        Well that’s nice for you. Not everyone enjoys adding extra 40 minutes of driving at the end of a long evening, though.

        If you’re asking for a favour, it’s basic courtesy to consider how inconvenient it might be for the other person even if they say yes.

        1. Close Bracket*

          The person asking is giving the person they are asking credit for being a grown-up who can manage their feelings, decide what level of inconvenience they are willing to accept, and make their decision known. If you don’t enjoy the driving and it is too much of an inconvenience for you, say no. That is your right. If you don’t ever want to drive her home again, that is also your right, and you should make it known to her instead of expecting her to guess how much you truly resent it. It doesn’t have to be hurtful. You could say something like, “Friend, I enjoy our nights out, and taking you home at the end of our evenings is turning out to be exhausting for me. Can we find a set of arrangements to get together that makes it easier for you to get home on your own?” Say this the next time she wants to meet up with you.

          1. Drama Llama*

            I think it’s rude to ask for favours that are very inconvenient for the other person, unless you emphasise they don’t have to agree and you totally understand if they decline. Of course everyone has a right to decline, but we have pretty strong social conventions that make it uncomfortable and awkward to do so. If you don’t think that should be a factor at all and you’re fine with asking people to do stuff for you without any regard to how they feel about it, I guess we just have to agree to disagree.

  66. Amadeo*

    Man, I am vending at a local comic con next weekend and am trying to get myself organized and I feel like I’m herding cats! Does anyone else struggle with their organizational skills? I’m not good at it, I never have been, but I’ve compensated by being the sort of person who can set something down in their organized chaos and then, weeks or months later go straight back to it. The catch is that if it’s put away I can’t find it!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      LOL this sounds like me–the putting something down but can’t put it away. Decluttering is helping. The less stuff I have the less I have to dig through or keep track of.

  67. Sparkly Lady*

    True confessions time: I like the Taylor Swift cover of “September”. I don’t understand why the Internet is making such a big deal of it. This is hardly the first example of an iconic song being revisioned in a different genre.

    I am deeply suspicious that there is a lot of projecting going on because a section of the social justice-oriented Internet are convinced that Taylor Swift is a secret Nazi (as far as I can tell based on a lack of understanding of trademark law and a single Vice article).

    1. Sam Foster*

      Blandification of black music by a non-black performer.

      Also, up your meds if you are latching on to “secret Nazi” conspiracy theories.

      2. Myrin*

        Telling someone to “up their meds” is really not a very kind thing to say, especially on a forum where we’re asked to be courteous to fellow commenters.

    2. fposte*

      I think super-famous and super-successful people always draw backlash. People who like stuff tend to be quieter about it. There was a great comment a few weeks ago from the We Rate Dogs guy about how much more fun his life became once he grew out of the impulse to reject something just because it was popular.

    3. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Possibly controversial opinion: the backlash isn’t because the cover is objectively bad, it’s because it’s trendy to hate Taylor Swift.

      Fight me?

      (But seriously though, I didn’t like it myself but I think that at least 90% of the hate is because her reputation has never been worse (so you must like her for her). If she dropped this back in 2014 the internet would be much more good-natured about any ribbing.)

      2. Caro in the UK*

        I think it’s always been popular to hate famous people, especially famous, successful, and beautiful women.

        But… I strongly dislike Swift (I won’t say hate, because that implies I care more than I do). I think she’s manipulative, extremely selfish, completely lacking in self awareness, and has a massive victim complex. Her behaviour over the past couple of years, and the “poor me” tone of some of her new music has, I think, brought this to a lot more people’s attention, hence the increase in Taylor-hate.

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          That’s exactly my point – the backlash isn’t as much about Taylor Swift doing something bad (then why’s it feel so good) as it is about Taylor Swift being unlikeable. Which is…fine, but I think that everyone should just acknowledge that.

          (As for me, I’m ashamed by the amount of Taylor Swift knowledge I’ve accumulated.)

    4. periwinkle*

      1. I love the original version. It’s on my “driving” playlist and I always crank up the volume when it pops up.
      2. Taylor Swift’s version isn’t horrible. It’s a perfectly fine cover in her style. Just like the thousands and thousands of other covers of classic songs out there.

      What’s the hype about it being the blandification of a classic R&B/soul/pop song? It’s not some sacred, untouchable thing. It was a Billboard hit song in 1978. I was in my junior high school’s chorus back then, and there was chorus-adapted sheet music available for lots of current and classic pop songs. Let me tell you, the soprano part of “September” is painful to sing if you’re a natural alto.

      Nothing Taylor Swift could come up with could EVER be as bland as a suburban junior high chorus singing Earth Wind & Fire…

      1. valentine*

        <> It should be. People steal everything African American, call it communal, devalue it (such as by calling AAE slang), and use it to make more money than African Americans (as a people) can. It’s racist SOP.

    5. dr_silverware*

      Yeah, the problem is that there’s very valid criticism of Taylor Swift’s pop iconography and use of black bodies/slang/culture/music…but it gets combined in a slurry of misogyny for misogyny’s sake, misogyny disguising itself as social-justice-oriented criticism, and social-justice-oriented criticism strumming the strings of misogyny because that’s the culture we live in.

      And, because it’s the internet, a soupçon (more than a soupçon maybe) of never accepting an “and” where a “but” could do: you like this song, *and* you can talk about pop music appropriating black culture. Or, Swift has really, really messed up in some areas, *and* she’s facing an intense backlash with misogynist undertones.

  68. Lillian*

    So our frig is leaking. Wehappen to have already developed a strong dislike of it prior to the leak so we have decided to replace it. I honestly thought that I would never have an opinion about refrigerators, but it turns out this side-by-side one is so inconvenient that I now have a strong opinion about it. But other than hating side-by-sides, I have no other opinions and I hate to shop, especially for expensive appliances. So I am reaching out to all of you…any lessons that you learned the hard way that you are willing to share, any specific recommendations, any other comments, etc. Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

    1. Windchime*

      I don’t care for side-by-sides, either. Some of them are so skinny on the freezer side that you can’t even fit in a frozen pizza. My current fridge and the one before that were both “french doors” on the top and a freezer drawer on the bottom. I really like that configuration; you have two doors to open to have full access to everything on the top, and then the freezer drawer on the bottom also has a couple of sliding baskets.

      1. BRR*

        This is my preferred style as well. I also like having a water dispenser on the outside. A family friend had their’s inside the fridge and you had to open the door every time you wanted water.

    2. Clever Name*

      I had one of those French door freezer on the bottom units, and I hated it. I felt like I was always opening the wrong side and it was annoying to have to open 2 doors all the time. And the freezer drawer was a pain. I was always digging around in there to find things. It felt less convenient because you access stuff rom the top rather than the front, if that makes sense. And that’s my refrigerator opinion. :)

    3. Lady Alys*

      I had to buy a new refrigerator about a year ago and was *shocked* at the difference in energy use between top-freezer and bottom-freezer models (bottom-freezers use lots less energy according to Consumer Reports). I agree that it’s harder to organize/retrieve stuff from the bottom freezer, but that’s a problem I can live with, ymmv.

      May I suggest paying for a month of Consumer Reports online (if you are in the US?) and researching on their web site? I too hate shopping for expensive appliances so I find out what CR recommends and try to find it.

  69. Alicia*

    Any recommendations for forums where people with cancer share their experiences? A family member probably has stage 1a lung cancer and would really like to be able to talk with other patients and hear their experiences. “I was so afraid of [his last procedure] but I didn’t need to be! I wish I had known more in advance.”
    So – good reddit forums or discussion sites? He’s not on Facebook and won’t join.

    1. Ange*

      It’s UK-based but Macmillan Cancer Support have good forums – I used them quite a lot after I was diagnosed.

  70. tangerineRose*

    I’ve been thinking it would be fun to learn something like crochet or something to do in the evenings. I’ve tried sewing by hand, but my stitches are very uneven. I don’t want to knit because it seems like there’s too much counting involved (my mind wanders when I do much counting, and I lose track of where I was, and it is not relaxing). Does crochet require a lot of counting? Maybe I should learn macreme.

    1. Windchime*

      Both knitting and crocheting take a certain amount of counting. I do both, and I prefer knitting. I just finished making a little sweater for my niece and did the whole thing while watching TV. I’m really to the point where I could knit in the dark if I had to. Either one will take a little practice; stitches will be uneven at first (as you have noticed with the hand sewing), but as you practice, you’ll get better and better.

    2. foolofgrace*

      Look into needlepoint — it’s different from embroidery or cross-stitch. You do it on a special canvas with holes so it’s pretty impossible to screw up. The canvas comes in different-sized holes, I would start with 10 stitches per inch. There are lots of different types of stitches you can do, too. Check out some books at the library. I love needlepoint.

    3. HannahS*

      Crochet can require zero counting. I found it much easier to learn than knitting. Once you’ve made your foundation chain (i.e. the set-up row) which might require counting to know if you have an even or odd number, you can make beautiful squares and rectangles (so, washcloths, rugs, scarves, and blankets) by mindlessly doing either the same stitch again and again. What I like about crochet is that it can be a very simple and very cheap hobby, and if you like, it can also be more challenging and expensive. When I used to make blankets, I’d pick a stitch, see if the foundation chain should be even or odd, and then crochet until I felt that blanket was big enough.

    4. Nana*

      Reconsider knitting…I make hats on circular needles. No pattern..just straight stitching. Using plastic or bamboo needles; no noise. I knit at home watching TV. Knit in the movies (and avoid snacking!)

      1. Cristina in England*

        You need to be a pretty experienced knitter to not use patterns, it is not a suitable approach for a beginner.

        If you’re not using patterns there is a lot of math and also counting. For example, if you want to make an adult hat for a 22″ head, you’ll want to make the band slightly smaller, maybe 20″, so it doesn’t fall off. How thick is your yarn? Let’s say it is 6 stitches per inch using size 8 needles. So 6*20 is 120, so you cast on 120 stitches. Then you might want to increase for the body of the hat, to 160 stitches say, so it isn’t snug all the way up. Then at the top to finish the hat off you do decreases, so you’ll halve the amount of stitches every row until you have 5 stitches left, etc etc.

    5. mreasy*

      I find crochet much harder than knitting. When you knit things like scarves and blankets with a simple stitch, you really only need to count once, when you cast on the stitches. I find it very therapeutic and easy to do while watching movies/etc.

    6. LilySparrow*

      For crochet and knitting, you need to count until you are familiar enough with the anatomy of the stitches that you can see where you are in the row or pattern just by looking at it.

      For example, my kids will wind up with too many stitches in some crochet rows, and not enough in others, because they aren’t always sure about where the stitch belongs or when they’ve completed a row.

      But if you are not stressed about some slightly wobbly edges, crocheting simple shapes is quite easy, I think.
      The key is to not try to get real fancy until you’re really comfortable with handling the yarn & hook, using even tension, recognizing the spaces to stitch into, and figuring out where you went wrong when you get mixed up.

  71. Applesauced*

    My husband and I are considering moving across the county to a city where we won’t know anyone. I’m not thrilled with this plan, but we can’t afford the places near family that would afford us the kind of life we want – we’ve been talking about this for a while and are just waiting until at least one of us has a job lined up.

    What advice do you have for a BIG move? Or for starting in a new city in your early 30’s? How do you make friends at that age? (We don’t have kids yet, but want to in a few years)

    1. Triplestep*

      Look upthread for a similar question about choosing a new city as an empty-nester. There are some good suggestions there that might work for you as well.

    1. ginkgo*

      I grew up in Folsom (right next door and similar in a lot of ways). I’ve only lived in California, so not sure how it compares to the Midwest, but it’s a pretty typical suburb, and was fairly conservative when I was growing up (a bit less so now, I think… again, my basis for comparison is San Francisco, so.) It’s a nice enough place to live. Summers are HOT (dry heat).

    2. It’s all good*

      My friend moved there about a year ago from San Diego. Except for housing, she feels it’s more expensive than San Diego (gas, food, etc). And much hotter too.

    4. Call me St. Vincent*

      I stayed in Roseville when visiting a friend in Sacramento and it seemed very lovely!

    5. NB*

      My mom lives in Roseville, and I’m always happy to visit her (I live in Chicago now). I like it there a lot. There’s tons of shopping and restaurants, plenty of movie theaters and parks, and an active arts community. It’s easy to get to Sacramento or to the mountains. The air quality in the Sacramento Valley can be a little problematic, especially if you have allergies. It doesn’t get terribly cold in the winter, and the springtime is lovely. It gets really hot in the summer, though.

  73. Sad*

    Today would have been my wedding and it is the eight year anniversary of the day I met and had the first date with my ex-fiancé.

    We met just at end in our first year of undergrad in college. We dated through the next three years of our undergrad. After college we both took a gap year. After the gap year I started law school and he started grad school. We moved in together. I finished law school last year and he had his last semester of grad school and the graduation in December. He proposed to me last April on our seventh anniversary.

    I was a bad person while studying for the bar and job hunting. He couldn’t handle it and he left. He wasn’t overreacting. My family had an intervention with me over my behavior and jerkiness.

    I was born and raised in this city and state and most of my family is here. I went to undergrad and law school here because I had partial scholarship and grants (tuition but not housing) and living at home allowed me to not have debt. When I moved in with him before we started law school and grad school he had housing through his school and scholarship. Neither of us had debt and we were saving for the wedding and life after it.

    When he left he went back to his state. He was born and raised in that city and his whole family with the exception of on cousin who works in Tokyo lives in that city or within an hour of it. After the wedding we planned to live here but he said that there was nothing else for him here. The housing was covered for the end of March. He used the savings to pay off the wedding stuff and left the rest.

    I honestly feel like a jerk for saying this but I didn’t mourn when he left except for one crying spell the first day. I was so busy preparing for the bar exam in a few weeks and then after the bar waiting for the results and job hunting.

    I passed the bar. I moved into my own place at the beginning of April. I start my new job on April 23. It’s a great place and a great job. Both are in my home city and it is everything I could have hoped for.

    I don’t like who I became when I was studying for the bar and job hunting. I have never been like that before in my life. It was so bad my family had to intervene. I am seeing a therapist over it.

    Now I am mourning the break up. He is gone. He cancelled his phone number from this city. He told me he’ll get a number from his home state when he gets back. He doesn’t have social media. I don’t know if he is using his school email account. He didn’t tell me of another email address. The only contact info I have is an address for his parents. I sent a letter that was returned unopened.

    Sorry this was so long. I miss him so much. It hurts now and the part that hurts the most is that I know I caused this. There was no excuse for how I acted. I was so busy preparing for the bar and job hunting that I barely acknowledged the breakup at the time. I still have the ring and I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. I don’t even feel like talking with my family and friends about this because even though I they have been loving and supportive I know in the back of their minds they also know I caused it.

    Not sure if I’m asking for advice or just venting. Thanks for listening either way if you read this.

    1. fposte*

      I’m sorry, Sad. I think it’s normal to mourn a loss even if our own behavior contributed or caused it. There are lots of things in life I’d like to do over with the maturity I have now.

      I’m glad you’re in counseling. It sounds like that was a pretty intense time and it was really hard to spring back into humanity after that. But it also sounds like you’ve done that, and that you now have better future possibilities–don’t lose sight of those with looking in the rear-view mirror.

    2. Triplestep*

      I’m not sure why you want to get in touch with him, but if it is simply to say “I messed up – I recognize that and I’m sorry”, do you have any mutual friends who could help? I think if you explain that that’s all you want to do – no re-hashing, no finger-pointing, no begging to reconcile – many would be willing to intervene on your behalf and make sure he gets the message.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this; I think these kinds of things can sometimes feel worse when you realize you caused it.

      1. Sad*

        Unfortunately his friends here in this state want nothing to do with me after what happened. He cut contact with our mutual friends and my friend and family. My only contact with his family and friends back in his home city was through him. I don’t know of any way to contact him or anyone close to him. I don’t know who or where he is living with back home.

        1. fposte*

          I think you have to focus on making your own internal closure; a letter returned unopened is a strong statement about a desire not to be in contact, and you wouldn’t get closer to what you want by rejecting that statement.. Maybe someday in the future you’ll have a chance to communicate an apology, and I think honestly it might be better anyway when you’ve moved on from your current grief for what was.

          Like Anon’s sister in the pedestrian/car wreck below, sometimes we make mistakes that we can’t undo; our only choice is to move forward with what is now.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      You are human first and foremost. No human being is perfect, ever. Let it shape you in good ways. I have a dear friend, who is a lawyer also. She has taken her mistakes and her rough patches and let it shape her into a wiser, softer human being.
      She has this amazing ability to say, “well you stepped in some crap, you took ownership of it, learn from it and go do your NEW best each and every day.” It could be me but I think that the people who let their missteps teach them make the best and most level headed adults as life goes on.
      While I am very sorry this relationship is lost to you, I also know that there are opportunities to learn things that we do not learn any other way. I have stepped in piles of crap, too. I think you are refreshing honest and clear here. I see you have a plan to sort this. I am very optimistic for you/your future and I wish you the best.

    4. valentine*

      Leave him alone. Draw a line under what you were to each other and focus on your relationship with yourself. If you need to mourn now, do so. You don’t have to keep pace with anyone. You still feel isolated, as you had to be to achieve your goals. (Yesterday’s work thread had a bar discussion that may help you. You are not alone.) You can be kind to yourself now and build the life and make the path the bar and job got you started on. Make new friends, so you have people who see you as you, and not as a former half of Couple. Congratulations on passing the bar and I hope you’ll have more good things in your life soon.

  74. Alice & Ralph*

    Next week we leave for our honeymoon in Costa Rica!
    We’ve got activities and hotels sorted out, but most meals are open. Any restaurant recommendations in Arenal/La Fortuna or Tamarindo?

    2. BRR*

      I apologize because this isn’t what you’re asking but I honeymooned there and if you have time and it’s up your alley there’s an animal sanctuary you can tour that was awesome. I don’t have any restaurant recommendations since we just ate at our hotel every night, which had a couple restaurants.

    3. Natalie*

      (My internet hiccuped and ate my reply, so hopefully it doesn’t reappear)

      Restaurants Cafe Meditarraneo is a great wood fired pizza place in La Fortuna, near the edge of town. There is also a lovely little cafe/breakfast spot called MyCoffee right on the main drag.

      Heads up if you’ll have a car, drive times around La Fortuna are slow even by CR standards. We kept finding great restaurants on Lake Arenal, but they were 30-90 minutes travel time.

  75. Weasel007*

    I’ve been waiting all week for this thread to announce that my pregnant stray cat who showed up on my doorstep two weeks ago gave birth to two little grey long haired muffins on Monday night. They are soooooo adorable. We have her in our back room with the babies with food and water and @ litter box (away from the other cats) and they are all doing well. Eyes not open yet but mama is so sweet abd lets us check on them, weighh them etc. I’m in love!

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      aww, sweet. and good for you! Obligatory plug: make sure you get mama and babies spayed/neutered when timing is appropriate.

      1. Weasel007*

        I wonder how I can post pics? Because I have a slew of them. We have a netcam on the nesting box so I don’t have to go in and bug the family too much.

        Yes, they will be spayed the moment they can. Mama will not be going out at all until then. I love kittens, but orrying about getting them a home is stressful.

  76. Nervous Accountant*

    On a lighter note….I came across a series on FB called “Zack Morris is trash”. it’s about how Zack Morris of Saved y the bell is a sociopath. I loved this show as a kid, I crushed on Zack but oh my goodness, I was cracking up while watching it.

    On another lighter note, I’m crushing so hard on Ed Sheeran. Bought 2 albums and listened to all the songs and everything. Just to give an idea, I haven’t been such a music fan since I was 12 and into Hanson (which I got to see in concert for the first time ever last September).

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I really like Ed Sheeran. His songs are fun and catchy and enjoyable to listen to. I love the one he did for the second Hobbit film–“I See Fire.” I skated to that as part of my Tolkien series of programs (all six songs from LOTR and the Hobbit films). That was my favorite program I’ve ever done. And the best dress I had. Haha so I have something to say to him if I ever met him. :)

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Nice! I only seen a few short clips of him on YouTube but he seems like a genuinely nice person, as well as very talented.
        My thing is that I have a coworker friend who looks like him and we all tease him about it. I’ve dialed back on that though bc I’m crushing on Ed, and def NOT crushing on cwf!!! Lol

    2. BravoMessenger*

      The husband watches those videos! And now I have the intro stuck in my head. :) I think the last one he indulged in was the driver’s license one with the red shop class car.

    3. annakarina1*

      The Zack Morris is Trash series cracked me up hard. I did watch the show as a kid, and wasn’t a fan of Zack. I just wasn’t into blandly-handsome guys, and he was a cocky jerk. I liked it when he got a reality check in college when people stopped giving him breaks on his behavior and checked his attitude more often, especially by professors and older students, and he had to grow up more.

  77. Elizabeth West*

    Has anyone ever had a piece of furniture appraised? How would you do that if you don’t have any money to pay for an appraisal? Could you show an antique dealer a thing and see if they would buy it?

    I have this chair I bought at a citywide garage sale. It’s this: https://i.imgur.com/9VGcJ1F.jpg. I don’t think that’s either leather or the original covering, but going by the casters and its overall look, I think it might be Victorian. Someone saw it during one of my garage sales and said the same thing. It’s a recliner and operates via a knob — you have to unscrew the knob before you can recline. When I saw it, I had to have it; at the time, I was fangirling over Sweeney Todd (LOL) and I thought it looked remarkably sinister. In fact, the older lady who sold it to me said her grandson was afraid of it. (Maybe it’s haunted!)

    Well, I really have nowhere to put it and I don’t really sit in it, so I’d like to sell it to someone who would appreciate it. I googled it, and the only things I can find that even came close to resembling it were two very expensive antiques and I don’t want to lowball myself by selling it for chump change on Craigslist if it’s actually worth something. It’s in very good shape, if a tad delicate, and works fine. Some dimwit at the city sale actually broke the footrest (the seller was mad about that) but I fixed it; it was an easy repair even I could do.

    Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this?

    1. Persephone Mulberry*

      I would take a lot of really good photographs, and take them to an antique dealer and explain that you’re looking to sell it but didn’t want to transport it until you were sure they would take it, and see what they say.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It looks like someone in .au recently reupholstered one of these:
      http://www.capalabaupholsterers.com.au/antiques.html (middle picture?)

      Then there is this one, for a mere 7k plus:
      https://www.newel.com/product.php?id=903#

      This one has been redone:
      https://www.1stdibs.com/furniture/seating/lounge-chairs/ca-1850-mahogany-reclin27444/ing-chair/id-f_8

      It looks to me like it is what you can get for it. Maybe one of these places would buy it from you and redo it for a good markup, but you’d get a decent price in the process. Not sure.

      I have sold pieces around here. Over all, it’s worth traveling to wealthier towns. I got 125 for a server. If I drove to Wealthier Town 25 miles from here I might have gotten 250. If I went to NYC I might have gotten $300.

      I do know that the antique furniture market has not tanked the way the depression glass market has and other arenas have dived down.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh my God that second one looks almost exactly like it!!! I’m clutching my pearls to think I nearly sold it a few years ago for $150. *gasp*

        There is an antique mall here that sells English furniture they actually travel overseas to get. It’s FULL of really, really nice antiques. I can barely afford to shop there, haha. Maybe they would be able to help me. Thank you!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Pinterest has a list of 290 plus interesting chairs. I fell down that rabbit hole. OMG. So thank you, as I had fun looking around. I have a Lakewood platform rocker here. There is a number 18xx, I can’t remember, but I think it’s the date. As I was looking for yours I stumbled across mine! I have never been able to find mine any more. That was pretty cool. Well they call theirs an East Lake rocker. But that is not what mine says.

          Now if I can just find my clock. I have a primitive clock. The man at the clock shop said it was late 1700s. I will find it some day.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I see Eastlake furniture around here from time to time. It’s either WAY out of my price range or it’s in such terrible shape it’s not worth buying the poor thing. I have neither the skills nor the patience to restore furniture.

            The antique mall of which I spake has/had an old settle from the 1700s (don’t know if they still do; I haven’t been in there in a while). It’s huge. And amazing. I wanted it so bad but of course I live in a tiny house and have no money, haha.

            I wonder, if my chair is actually worth that much, if the lady who sold it knew that. I didn’t pay anything near that price for it. She seemed a bit miffed about having to sell her things; I suppose she had to downsize and was unhappy about it. :(

              1. Belle di Vedremo*

                There might be someone interested in StL, too, if not locally. If you’re not in a hurry you could take it along next time you’re headed there. It looks great, I can see why you had to have it.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                There you go, networking on behalf of furniture. ha!

                While I think the 7k one is over priced but that is probably the labor and mat in the restore. Some one will pay it ….sometime…. in the future.

                Maybe you can get a few hundred or so. Good luck!

  78. stitchinthyme*

    Similar questions have been asked in the job-related letters and comment threads, but basically: how do you balance feeling sorry for a disabled friend with feeling severely imposed on by said friend?

    Basically, my friend (I’ll call her Jane) has multiple sclerosis. She’s still able to walk, although she definitely has her good and bad days, and she has trouble with long distances or lots of steps. She also either can’t or doesn’t like to drive at nighttime (a quick Google search seems to indicate that night-vision problems are one of the possible complications of MS, so I guess maybe that’s why).

    My husband and I host a biweekly gaming night, and Jane and her husband “John” usually attend. However, for most of the last few months, John, a musician, has been playing in the pit orchestras for some local theater productions, which means he’s unable to attend our gaming nights. This means that Jane always asks for a ride to and from our place. They live maybe 10-15 minutes away if there’s no traffic…but there’s ALWAYS traffic around here so it’s at least 30-45 minutes round trip. Everyone else who comes to our gaming night lives in the opposite direction, so usually my husband (who’s way nicer than I am) volunteers to go get her, and then either John comes to pick her up at the end of the night or one of our other friends drives her home.

    If this were once in a while, I would be fine with it, but it’s been happening nearly every gaming night this year. My husband usually straightens up the house while I start dinner before people show up, so his having to go get Jane means I’m doing everything all by myself. Hosting plus having my co-host play chauffeur every other week is too much.

    The real problem is that Jane always just expects her friends to bend over backwards to help her. And I am willing to help to some extent, because having a progressive, degenerative disease obviously sucks and I sympathize, but it often feels like too damn much. I didn’t sign up for this.

    I think I’m also extra irritated because there’s been years of this kind of thing. She moved to our area from out of state a few years ago, and while she was in the process of moving, she asked to stay in our guest room several times with almost no prior notice. One of those times, she did ask us in advance, then showed up a day early — at dinnertime, when we had gotten takeout, so I had to eat half a meal because I shared it with her. And she also has very little in the way of filters — she’ll criticize my cooking, for example, and I’ll have to bite my tongue to keep from saying, “You know, if you don’t like it, you can always bring your own food or eat before you come.”

    So yeah, she’s…challenging. All that’s kept me from asking, “Have you never heard of Uber or Lyft??” on gaming nights is my husband, who as I said is way nicer than I am. Well, that and sympathy for her having MS.

    I guess my options (aside from the extreme one of ending the friendship, which I’m not quite ready to do yet) are continue sucking it up or say something (which would probably end up making me feel guilty).

    Wondering if any disabled people have any perspective on this? I know the support system for the disabled sucks in this country (the USA)…although Jane and John aren’t poor, so at least they’re not at the mercy of “the system”.

    1. fposte*

      Have you ever said no to her? It sounds like you might feel better about saying yes if you had a kind “no” in your armory as well. Her being disabled doesn’t mean every answer has to be a “yes.” I think it also helps if you identify what you *can* do: “Jane, we love having you and we can pick you up at the first meeting every month; can you check with Uber or one of the crowd for the second?”

      And guests who criticize your cooking are being jackasses, whatever their mobility status. You can respond with anything from a cheerful “Pot luck is the best you get when you show up without warning” to a Carolyn Hax “Wow” and silence to a quiet and sad “I’m sorry; my intention was to please you.”

      I’ll note that you and your husband need to be on the same page on this. If you say you can’t pick her up and he goes anyway, that’s just going to make things worse. But I think you’re feeling as if the only will that counts here is hers because she’s disabled, and that’s really not true.

      1. stitchinthyme*

        Normally her requests for help (like for rides) are made on the gaming invite, which goes out to everyone — she’s not asking us specifically, so I personally am comfortable with just not responding. My husband, however, is a different story. Like when Jane was moving her stuff into John’s place, she asked for volunteers to help. Having helped her with her first move into our area (and having decided that I am *done* with helping people move), I basically just didn’t respond…but my husband did. I was like, “You have fun.”

        My husband doesn’t like any of this, either, but he’s unwilling to just ignore the request or not respond, though I’ve asked him to just let her find her own way over, or else stay home. I’m not even asking him to say no (unless she asks us directly) — just to not respond to the request, since it isn’t being made directly to us.

        I might be saved by a more outspoken mutual friend. She arrived for gaming last night while my husband was still out picking up Jane, and so I was venting to her. Having experienced her own share of Jane’s excessive neediness, she understood exactly what I was talking about and said she might try to talk to her about it. So she might do what I’m too much of a chicken to do.

        1. BRR*

          I can sometimes have an issue ignoring requests too. What about “sorry, I won’t be able to.” Less is more on this type of situation. You don’t need to give a reason. Just, “sorry, I can’t.”

        2. fposte*

          This sounds like it’s a problem between you and your husband, then, not just with Jane. What if you decided that as long as you didn’t have to do the labor you could let it be your husband’s choice if he wanted to?

          1. stitchinthyme*

            Last night he cleaned up before he went to get Jane — he does understand that this is a burden on me. But I’m also irritated on his behalf; he’s no fonder than anyone of sitting in traffic, but he still volunteers.

            Yes, it is part of a bigger problem with him — one of the few problems I have with him, really. Whether it’s at work or among our friends, he’s always willing to bend over backward to help people, and I have sometimes felt like he goes out of his way to help everyone but me. (Which isn’t entirely true or fair; he doesn’t neglect me and he really is one of the best people I know. But sometimes I get grumpy.)

            But I do understand his guilt about saying no to Jane specifically — his reasoning is that he feels bad for her. He was able to maintain boundaries when we went on a cruise with them last fall; I had told him before we left that although I feel bad for Jane and I will help her as much as I can, there’s no way I’m spending thousands of dollars to fly thousands of miles and spending my entire trip accommodating Jane. He agreed with me on that one, so we did some things with John and Jane; other days she wasn’t up to doing much so John came with us while Jane hung out on the ship or in a sidewalk cafe. When we stopped at Ephesus, they found a handicapped-accessible tour while we opted for the regular one so we could see the terrace houses.

            So it IS possible to set boundaries; I just have to get my husband on board when we do it. I guess that’s easier when a long trip and a lot of money are on the line!

            1. Not So NewReader*

              When you do talk to your hubby about his constant volunteering, you can mention that it is okay to change a plan and it is okay to set boundaries. A good way to change plan is to announce ahead of time, “starting next month Jane, I will only be able to come get you every other month” or “Jane, unfortunately things are piling up at home and I will not be able to come get you for game night anymore after this month.”

              The over all format goes like this, “I will do X this time but next time I will not be able to do X.” This is such a handy tool and is useful in so many situations at home and at work. It gets the other person out of the tight spot right now and lets them know to make a different plan for the next time this happens. Many people will just be happy to know ahead of time so they can build that new plan.

            2. Natalie*

              Why do you need to feel irritated on his behalf, though? Can you just let him handle whatever irritation he may or may not feel, and stick to feeling things on your own behalf, at least as far as him volunteering for things goes?

              1. stitchinthyme*

                Because I don’t like to see anyone get taken advantage of…and when the person getting taken advantage of is my own husband, that makes it personal for me as well.

                1. stitchinthyme*

                  So I’m not supposed to care about anything that doesn’t affect me directly? That seems like a pretty callous attitude.

                  And anyway, it does affect me directly. Though gas isn’t an issue anymore (electric car), it still costs time and energy to drive over and get her. And plus, I prefer my husband to be home when other people start arriving so he can chat with them while I concentrate on making dinner.

                2. Close Bracket*

                  @stitchinthyme
                  “So I’m not supposed to care about anything that doesn’t affect me directly?”

                  You are not supposed to manage other people’s emotions for them. You can care about it as much as you want, but unless the person affected has asked for your help with the situation, your course of action should be confined to bitching about it to other people.

                  In this case, since it doesn’t directly affect you, you need to work out what level of his helping hinders the evening and what level of his helping is merely irritating to you and work with him to set boundaries surrounding the former while letting your husband manage his own time and emotions around the latter. You could also work on letting go of emotions surrounding the things that irritate but do not affect you.

                3. LilySparrow*

                  It’s reasonable to be irritated because your husband being gone inconveniences you.

                  But that is something your husband is choosing: he is the one irritating you, not Jane.

                  She is not forcing him to come get her, he’s choosing to do it because that is in alignment with his values and priorities. She isn’t taking advantage, unless you believe he is helpless or incompetent to make his own decisions.

                  It’s perfectly valid for you to want him to choose you and prioritize you over Jane. But again, that’s a conversation to have with him.

                4. Natalie*

                  Close Bracket and Lily Sparrow basically covered it. If something about your husband frequently volunteering to help people directly affects you, focus on those direct effects. Own your feelings and ask him to take them into consideration, rather than wrapping those feelings in concern for his supposedly being taken advantage of.

      2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Exactly. Like, people with disabilities can still be jerks. Jane sounds, quite frankly, like an unpleasant person.

        Also, I’m not sure how paratransit looks like in your area, but she should consider that as an option.

        1. fposte*

          Though it also occurs to me that this might be an Ask vs. Guess mismatch as well. Somebody blunt like Jane could easily be an Ask person, who who would feel free to say no to others and who asks assuming that people who don’t want to will say no to her. That doesn’t mean she gets to be rude about the cooking or arrive early as a guest, but it seems like the problem here still might be more stitch’s husband saying yes when he wants to say no, even more so if it turns out Jane would accept a no just fine.

          1. stitchinthyme*

            You may be on to something there. She’s very direct and will not hesitate to say no. We tend to be pretty non-confrontational, and as I’ve mentioned, my husband is way nicer than I am (often too nice) and much more willing to bend over backwards to help people…especially if he feels sorry for them.

            1. fposte*

              I’m super-Guessy myself, so it was quite the revelation to read about the different cultures. I find it helps take some of my frustration out of a situation to think about that possibility in some interactions.

              1. stitchinthyme*

                I just went and looked up Ask vs. Guess, and I really do think you’re on to something with that. My husband and I are definitely Guessers. We’re also generally fortunate enough not to have to ask for help much; if we travel out of town, we stay in a hotel. If something breaks in our house, we call a repair person. If we move, we hire movers. We do realize, though, that not everyone is that fortunate, so we don’t mind the occasional (non-egregious) request for help. We would gladly host any of our friends who needed a place to stay, or go pick someone up and bring them to one of our parties — these are things we’ve done in the past without hesitation — but we would have to be in pretty dire straits to ask anyone to do any of these things for us.

                I do think you’re right that Jane is an Asker. And I also think we do need to learn how to say no to her. Or my husband does. I’ll keep trying, but I’ve talked about this with him many times, and he still keeps saying yes.

                1. Ann O.*

                  Yeah, having read through other comments, this does seem to be more of an issue with your husband being comfortable saying no (even indirectly!) than with Jane’s actual behavior around game night.

          2. stitchinthyme*

            To elaborate on the “criticizing the cooking” thing…it’s not always as cut-and-dried as “This is horrible”. It’s more stuff like, we have hosted an “orphans’ Thanksgiving” the last few years for people not spending it with relatives, and this past year she said, “The turkey is way better than last year; last year it was kind of dry.” Or one gaming night I made my husband’s and my favorite fried chicken and she said something about it being too salty. And I’m just thinking, I’m stressing out cooking dinner for a whole lot of people (note that until recently, I’d never cooked for more than two at a time, so I’m still learning about scaling), and maybe everything isn’t always perfect, but I’m doing my best here, so it would be nice if she kept any negative opinions to herself.

            1. fposte*

              Yeah, I get that, especially when you’re stressed. But from here it’s also kind of funny, and I know some mouthy old ladies past the giving an eff stage who are like that and who I nonetheless quite enjoy. Can you consider this as How Jane Is and find it good comedy? It might be kind of freeing to cackle and say “Jesus, Jane, do you keep some kind of turkey diary? What year did we hit peak turkey?”

              1. Parenthetically*

                This is exactly what I was thinking — turn it into a joke. Get out a notebook and start taking notes. Or ask her to write it down so it can be up to her standards next time. Do it with a twinkle in your eye and a fast, lighthearted subject change.

              2. stitchinthyme*

                You’re right…and you know what makes it even funnier? The same year Jane claimed the turkey was dry, she took nearly all the leftovers! We were a little put-out at her for that as well — we had told her she was welcome to take some, but we didn’t expect her to take it all! (We didn’t realize she had until after they left, when my husband went to cut whatever else he could off the carcass and found it bare.)

                1. Weekend Name*

                  What? RUDE! I’m a die hard fan of leftovers. You don’t hog the leftovers, especially if you weren’t the one who cooked the food. I can’t believe the moxie of this woman to say the turkey was dry and then to rob you blind of the leftovers. I would not have invited her to another Thanksgiving dinner.

          3. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

            Yeah, I missed that part of it (although I think most of that came later?).

            Honestly, after reading this thread, I want to buy Mr. Stitch “The Life-changing Magic Of Not Giving A F—.” He sounds like a really nice guy but he also really needs to learn how to say no.

          4. Weekend Name*

            I had never heard of Ask vs. Guess, so I just looked it up. This explains so much!! How did I not know about this? I’m definitely a Guesser.

      3. Circus peanuts*

        I think you are going to have to live with the fact that your husband might have a white knight thing going on. He is always going to want to be a helper. You two can talk about cutting back but I don’t think you would ever be able to eliminate it, it’s a part of who he is.

        Also, it might help if you rotated the game night to other houses and places every once in a while to give yourself a breather. Maybe have a night where you just do the main course and have others bring sides?

        I wish you luck, she sounds difficult to deal with.

    2. HannahS*

      So, point one is that people with disabilities and illnesses can be jerks, too, and it sounds like your ability to feel gracious to Jane is impeded by the fact that she’s sometimes a jerk to you. Which makes sense. For the sake of your friendship, I think you need to call her on it. I know that I’m perfectly happy to bend over backwards for people in tough situations but if they start getting bratty it sure makes me less motivated.
      Point two is that sometimes you need to say no. You can and you should. It’s not all or nothing–you can talk with your husband about going to get her for every other game night. Or more practically, ask others to take turns going out of their way to pick her up. IMO, assisting community members with disabilities is a communal responsibility–other people should be sharing it with you. If you’re serving the group by hosting, someone else should serve the group by going to pick her up.
      Point three is that, actually, you don’t know what their financial situation is, and shouldn’t judge it. She is likely on expensive medication with frequent doctor visits. Like, many thousands of dollars a year expensive. They may need to renovate their house to make it accessible. They may eventually need a motorized wheelchair. She might be in physiotherapy, and might also see an occupational therapist. She may well need the services of a regular therapist or psychiatrist to cope with her decline in function. They will likely eventually need to hire people to take care of Jane, possibly for many years as her health declines. Her husband is in a field not known for its stability, and may wish to work less or not at all as her health continues to decline. Disability, chronic illness, and dying are full of invisible expenses, and they may not have room in their budget for Uber and Lyft, if they are saving for the future. So let go of that particular resentment. Talk to the others in your group and let them know that you love having Jane there but it’s hard to both host and run out to get her, and you’d appreciate if the group would take turns getting her.

      1. stitchinthyme*

        Point taken on the finances, but I can be reasonably certain that they’re not poor. Her husband has a day job in the technology field; music is something he does nights and weekends, so he’s not making his living with it. And they went with us on an expensive cruise to Greece last fall…in fact, we met them (separately — before they were married, before they even started dating) on a fan cruise that we have been going on nearly every year since 2011.

        But yes, I do realize that MS is an expensive illness and that it isn’t going to get any better. Still resent the burden of always being asked to do more, though.

        1. Kuododi*

          Actually… In the absence of a spreadsheet breaking down their.finances you really don’t know what is going on with their money situation. If you.were to poll my DH side of the family they would all tell you he and I are stinking wealthy and should drop everything whenever they need the latest monetary bailout. Actually, we are a one income family dealing with my multiple chronic illnesses and mediocre health coverage. Additionally, DH will be finishing his.second Master’s degree end of this month which means student loan payments again!!! Any given month we are looking at collection calls.for various medical expenses but bc we have paid off vehicles and live in a small patio home rather than a beat down trailer, we must be filthy rich!!! That’s according to the in-laws of course!!

            1. Kuododi*

              Honey please!!!! I count it a bountiful year if we get the funds together to make a road trip for a few days out west to see the best niece and nephew in the whole world living or dead. We’ve made a couple of “fancier” trips over the course of our marriage, they were within the US and definitely subsidized by family. ( Those I can count on one hand)

              It is still alright to set limits with Jane. Speaking as a person with multiple health problems, I find it to be a more authentic relationship with people in my life who take me seriously enough to be honest and tell me what they will and won’t be able to do as we interact. I don’t know what is motivating your husband in his dealings with Jane but if it’s pity, that does noone any good. Best wishes!!!

    3. Laura H*

      The arranging of rides falls on Jane.

      I have Cerebral Palsy and I’m not licensed to drive. There are occasions where I spring a ride request on driving family members last minute (thankfully those are farther and fewer between than they were). For the most part I’ll ask at least two days in advance. But I usually like giving about 4 days to a week of notice.

      It also helps that I kinda know schedules and such to know who to ask.

      Also depending on the severity of her condition, Uber or Lyft may not be the best option- cars vary in size etc. I know that I can get into a sedan with nonbolstered seats on my own. Anything like a compact SUV- I need another person and a step stool.

      I don’t like pity or sympathy. I like having others understand where I’m coming from, but that’s on me to self-advocate for.

      And it’s a super fine line to be honest.

      All have to pull their weight. It varies from person to person. Jane should pull some of her own.

      I’m sorry. Good luck.

      1. stitchinthyme*

        As far as I know, Jane doesn’t have any issues (yet) with getting into different types of vehicles. She would probably have a problem climbing up into a big truck or something, but I’d expect there aren’t that many of those among the Uber/Lyft cars. And knowing her, I suspect she just hasn’t even thought of doing that. Her first inclination seems to always be to ask people rather than trying to figure out how to manage for herself.

        Anyway, thanks for your perspective.

        1. Laura H*

          That inclination is a problem then too. I don’t think you can outright change someone’s thought process. But you can present more options to consider. Have you brought up the ridesharing idea with her (outright)?

          If not, I think that is your first step. Sometimes we all need someone to plant an idea in our head.

          If yes, keep periodically mentioning it.

    4. valentine*

      Sit down with your husband to check in on your relationship and to set boundaries around Jane. Tell him you feel overlooked, that he does more for others than he does for you. Tell him you need him home for pregame host duties. Unless you’ve seen Jane’s and John’s finances, assume only that you don’t know much about them. Maybe they have massive debts and someone pays for their cruises. This doesn’t mean you have to take on any responsibility. Decide how much you, as a person, want to do for Jane and how much you’re willing to see your husband do. It’s entirely possible Jane has no idea she’s coming across as imposing and rude, but the impact is the same for you. You can tell her that, and not accommodate pop-ins, especially not when you end up with less food. So. Jane wants a ride for game night. Let’s assume your husband will either not drive her or do all his hosting duties before he picks her up. (Not possible, yeah?) If the group would be sad to lose her (not just feel bad because MS) and they pay into a food/bev fund, maybe adding travel would seem fine? If so, suggest it to Jane, then drop it. Your husband and you shouldn’t pay because you’re hosting. You’ve made yourselves Jane’s caregivers and you want to stop. What would your husband need to have happen for him to pull back and let Jane sort things for herself? Can he learn to ignore and to reset his internal klaxon she’s setting off?

      1. stitchinthyme*

        Doesn’t really matter to me what their finances are like. What I care about is not being taken advantage of, and not having the person I love most in the world be taken advantage of. I really don’t care if she gets an Uber or gets a ride with someone else, as long as it’s not us having to go get her every time.

        1. Red Reader*

          Then your actual problem is how to get your husband to stop signing up for stuff that you think is taking advantage of him. Which is, bluntly, not your problem.

          1. One and done*

            And it’s kind of not even Jane’s. I feel like she’s being scapegoated here a bit and is a red herring. She may be pushy or asking too much, or whatever. So all you have to do is say “no.” I think it’s your husband who’s actually irritating you more. He’s putting others’ needs (and perhaps his own as a helper) before yours. Jane is the only one who’s being direct. You might feel less resentful if you allowed yourself to ask for what you want from your husband … and he respected your needs and boundaries.

        2. LilySparrow*

          There is no “have to.” There never was.

          If you don’t want to do it, say no. It’s a lot kinder than storing up so much anger.

      2. stitchinthyme*

        I’d also be fine with her staying home if she can’t arrange her own transportation.

    5. Weekend Name*

      In a thread I started, HRH The Duke of Coriander and Gomasio mentioned this thread. I have a friend with a degenerative physical disease who is causing me a lot of grief right now, and I’m struggling really hard with the combination of emotions of feeling angry about my friend’s behavior and guilt because she’s sick. So I understand where you’re coming from.

      Could your husband be persuaded to gradually say no to picking Jane up and nicely suggest an Uber or Lyft ride instead? Could you and your husband talk to John? I’m curious if John thinks Jane can be overbearing at times or if he doesn’t see it.

    6. Triple Anon*

      I would take the disability out of the equation. You’re talking about a friend (who can afford a cab) asking for a ride to a social thing. It’s an optional event and she has options for how to get there. Just tell her you don’t have time. Ask if there’s a reason she can’t take a cab. Maybe try to work out a compromise. But I wouldn’t feel too bad about it. You can try to be there for her in other ways, but you’re not obligated to give her rides.

  79. Bizarre wedding pics*

    My sister got married last month and the wedding pictures came in this week. It was shocking to see them because her and her husband don’t even look like themselves. They asked the photographer to touch up the photos (or so they told us). Minor things like removing a blemish or fly-away hairs.

    Really they asked the photographer to completely change them. I love my sister but she is not small. No shade but it’s true. Same with her husband. I love her and they looked great on their wedding day but they asked the photographer to do major Photoshop and not minor touch-ups.

    He Photoshopped about 75 lbs or more off each of them. Like seriously they have never been that small. Their teeth are chicklet white. Her husband has a full head of hair when in real life he is balding. They are both taller. Their noses were reduced and look completely different. They look way younger than they are too.

    It’s so bizarre. They look nothing like themselves (It doesn’t look unreal, only to people who know them, strangers would think they are just models or exceptionally good looking people). They are both happy with it because it’s what they asked for. They are the only ones who were photoshopped. Everyone else in the photos look like themselves.

    They paid extra for the photoshopping. He doesn’t even have the originals now because they liked the photoshopped ones so much. The video of their vows was edited too along with angles and lighting. Other than that the only other video is the speeches and people wishing them well so they are not actually in the shots. But even in the video they look weird.

    I mean if they are happy that’s great. I’m worried they will regret it one day and there are no originals of what they actually look like. They had a no phones wedding so no one else took any photos of the two of them, even if people took ones of themselves. We don’t have a single photo of their wedding where they look normal.

    It’s just weird and I am posting this because I can’t talk about it with anyone else. I know other people must think it is weird but we are just trying to be happy for my sister and brother-in-law.

    1. stitchinthyme*

      Hopefully some of the guests brought cameras and there are some decent, non-‘shopped pictures out there!

      1. J. Jones*

        “They had a no phones wedding so no one else took any photos of the two of them, even if people took ones of themselves. We don’t have a single photo of their wedding where they look normal.”

        I don’t think that is the case here given what the OP said. Which is unfortunate. I’m sure the wedding was lovely and I hope they don’t regret it one day.

    2. fposte*

      To be honest, I kind of expected wedding pictures to go that way at some point; weddings are so often focused on the appearance for the photos and not the day already, and lots of people don’t look much like their wedding pictures. So it’s weird but I think it’s just a little bit weirder than existing weirdness that we’re used to.

    3. Turtlewings*

      That really is deeply strange and I agree, years from now they will probably regret not having any pictures of what they actually looked like on their wedding day. Mostly I think it’s tragic that society has made them ashamed of their appearances to that extent.

    4. Loopy*

      I actually do kind of get where you’re coming from. I’m not in the same boat, but I have a sort of similar example- I have very curly hair. And when I had to have traditional wedding hair done as a bridesmaid I looked LOVELY…but not like me. It was odd to think the picture was super flattering but also dislike that about it at the same time!

      For my won wedding I am not having an up-do and completely avoiding straightening- I want my natural curls out. I won’t look like almost any of the brides in photos I’ve seen in terms of hairstyle but I’ll recognize myself.

      Though ultimately, I guess there’s nothing you can do except brace yourself to be supportive if they do have regrets. I have a friend who later hated her wedding photos (for different reasons) and the regret for her was devastating. It did take a lot of support, patience, and tact so I would just prepare for that if you feel comfortable being a support in that potential situation.

      1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

        My friend has really curly hair and she left it down for her wedding. She had the hair stylist do whatever to tame the frizz and thread a hair piece through it. It looked beautiful, and also 100% her.

    5. Notthemomma*

      If I would have thought of it, I would have done what she did. On some level, aren’t weddings, like so many events, a situation where we present not the gritty reality of who we are, but how we *want* people to see us? We have makeup done, our hair done, tanning, Spanx, teeth whitening, maybe even some level of plastic surgery, padded bras, corsets, heels, drastic diets, and so on so we can present an image of who we wish we were. Be happy for her liking the phots, in 5 years, you can mentally chuckle at it or not, but it’s no worse than chartreuse bridesmaids dresses with opera gloves and a lace parasol.

      1. Circus peanuts*

        One bride asked me to get colored contacts when I was her bridesmaid. My blue eyes weren’t blue enough for the wedding on their own. I also had to have the exact shade of panty hose as everyone else. I am pale and they were multiple races so my legs look like they belong to someone else since they were so dark and shiny.

        1. Circus peanuts*

          The other bridesmaids were multiple races, we weren’t running races or anything. The hose looked too pale on others and only matched one girls skin tone.

          1. circus peanuts*

            I did it all. We are still facebook friends. The friendship fizzled due to distance and the marriage failed to multiple reasons. The pantyhose thing was the oddest to me. I am of the belief that your pantyhose should be as near to your own skintone as possible. The bridesmaids photos are very odd with the legs but I do have to admit, my eyes did look impressively bold. She knew that I wore colored contacts in an aqua color to start with and she wanted me to get the royal blue ones for her wedding so they would match the bridesmaids dresses.

        3. AcademiaNut*

          The point at which a bride asked me to get coloured contacts* would be the point at which I would say “What the $#@# are you thinking?!”, give her one chance to come to her senses, and then resign as a bridesmaid.

          *also tanning salons, spray tans, haircuts, or weight loss

    6. Roberta Plant*

      I don’t know why but this was very touching and sweet. Maybe because it shows that the people that love you love you exactly the way you are — no photoshopping needed.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      If they regret it then they regret it. People do not die from regret alone. That is their emotion to carry and deal with. We can see people setting themselves up for regret later and basically we have to let them do that. The most we can do is handle our own regrets in a different manner.

      As far as the photos, wait until they put the album together. The pictures will show that over the course of 24 hours they both added 75 pounds. Remember not all the pics have been edited. Unedited pics will keep turning up.

      1. Bizarre wedding pics*

        I appreciate what you said about regret. I do think you are right. I am trying not to worry about that but it’s hard because I love them and want them to be happy.

        I am not sure what you mean about 24 hours later? The wedding was last month. The album was made. That’s what I was posting about. There are no non-photoshopped photos of them.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I have that tendency also where love=worry. It made me go back and look at my definition of love. I think that love, lets us love people in spite of their foibles and their stumbles. But love does not necessary try to prevent people from having learning experiences. If you and I are walking down the sidewalk, you can tell me, “Watch out for that hole!” when you know I don’t see it. But there are times where people just cannot protect each other.

          Albums. Ah, okay. I tend to think of albums as something you keep adding more and more pics to. But not everyone does that. They will make an album that with no intention of adding to it later. So that is what your peeps have done here. I was picturing a few photos popping up that someone else had taken, and they would later want to add these to the album. But these photos by someone else would not be photoshopped and the difference would be apparent as one flipped through the album.
          Oh well. It’s not real. And that can be concerning. But I don’t think you can do anything about it. Like you, I prefer things as they are rather than feed a fantasy. Differences in people, eh?

        2. MindoverMoneyChick*

          They may never regret it – I don’t like pictures of myself, especially now that I’m older. Seeing pics of myself just makes me unhappy (although I look fine to myself in a mirror).

          I don’t know that seeing pictures of myself photoshopped would make me happy per se, but never having unhappy-making pictures in an album would not be something I would later regret, I don’t think. So you might be worrying for nothing!

    8. valentine*

      It sounds like they don’t want truer-to-life images of their wedding and everything came together for them. I am thinking of the OPs here who hate photos of themselves. Sis & BIL can’t see themselves the way you see them and now they have images they enjoy that will be the official statement of the event.

    9. Book Lover*

      I’ve been thinking about this a lot. On the one hand, you are family, love them the way they are, and worry that they will regret having pictures that are not true to them.
      On the other hand – I gained a lot of weight in the past and the way I knew it was because my clothes didn’t fit and the weight on the scale. But I don’t think the way I saw myself in the mirror changed. But the photos showed the way I really looked and were tough to see. I wonder if the pictures reflect not just the way they want to see themselves but also in some way how they see themselves? If that is the case, I don’t think they will have regrets as long as the touch ups were done well.

      I don’t know how many people have the experience I had. I’m not saying I didn’t know I was heavy, but I just didn’t see the changes in the mirror. So photos didn’t look like what I thought I looked like. Brains are weird.

    10. Triple Anon*

      Wait. How do you know they asked for it to be that extreme? Maybe they asked for something minor and the photographer went overboard.

      1. Bizarre wedding pics*

        They told everyone it’s what they asked for, they are incredibly happy with the results, they are recommending the photographer to everyone and she said they gave him a nice bonus because they love the pictures so much.

    11. LilySparrow*

      As someone who has struggled for years with weight, self-image, and self-acceptance, this makes me sad to read.
      I am so glad my wedding photos show what I really looked like, even if I could nitpick “flaws” all day.

      If my husband preferred pictures of me looking like someone else, I’d be very hurt.

  80. Persephone Mulberry*

    I’m moving in two months! Two weeks ago I was waiting for the renewal offer for my current lease, and today I’m signing a lease for a completely different property. My rent will be going DOWN significantly (I try not to think about how the first year of savings is mostly canceled out by the cost of moving…) and I’ll have a proper yard again which my kids are pretty excited about.

    So, question time! Has anybody done the plastic crate rental instead of cardboard boxes? I know boxes can be had for free if you look for them but then you unpack and you have all these boxes.

    1. Triplestep*

      I belong to a neighborhood social media site, and a freecycle site – people are constantly posting that they are searching for/getting rid of cardboard boxes. You don’t have to go out hunting for them, nor will you have any problem getting rid of them.

      Congrats on the new place and lower rent!

  81. DessertDweller*

    Orange kitties are the bomb. I’m sure that’s been said but I would like to contribute that the Orange kitties I have had have also been scary smart

    1. Slartibartfast*

      My orange boy was dumb as a box of rocks, but so friendly. Best motor ever. I miss him.

    2. A Nonny Mouse*

      I have met a few orange kitties in my life, and they have been, by far, the most friendly, gregarious and brave kitties I’ve ever met.

      It’s like they don’t have any wary genes in their bodies.

    3. Kuododi*

      Ive had two magnificent orange kitties in my time. DH brought the first one home to help me recover from my cancer surgery. She was a wee tiny angel with four legs and fur. She was either running around the apartment at full tilt or snuggled in my lap with the motor running full blast!!!! My other was a big strapping orange boy who loved to harass our dogs which were three times his size. Magnificent!!!!

    4. Pam*

      My last orange kitty, Mama Socks, like to be about 18. She had a rough life for a while, but ended it pretty well.

  82. nep*

    About another store — Does anyone shop at Fresh Thyme Farmers Market?
    Our local Fresh Thyme came through nicely this week. It’s a bit farther from home than I normally go for shopping, but I will surely continue to go there regularly and will talk it up to family and friends.
    I was with my mom; it was her first time there and I was eager to show her the store. Unfortunately she discovered when she got home that some produce she bought was of poor quality. She didn’t want to drive back and just chalked it up as a loss.
    I sent an e-mail to the store manager. A few days later, the manager e-mailed me, apologising profusely for the defective product, vowing to do everything to ensure same does not happen again, and offering a replacement plus a gift card. This is what good customer service looks like.
    I hope the iffy produce was an aberration. In any case, everything else I’ve ever bought there has been good and they’ve sold me with their response in this case.

    1. Reg, but Anon*

      I love Fresh Thyme. I shopped there when I lived in the Chicago burbs. The produce thing is abnormal. I’ve only had good experiences with them. I highly recommend their OJ.

    2. Kristen*

      We have had a few open near me in the last year, but have only been there a few times. See below about me trying to eat better. Besides produce is there anything else you like to get there? I’ll have to pick up there OJ next time I’m there.

      1. nep*

        I buy cacao powder in the (HUGE) bulk section. Sometimes protein/energy bars if they’re on sale. The store seems to have a pretty good prepared foods section; I don’t buy that so haven’t tried.

        1. nep*

          (I also really like that they have a stand in the produce section with apples and bananas in kids’ reach — free fruit ‘for kids only.’)

      2. Reg, but Anon*

        I love their meat. The price is really good. The meat counter has excellent chicken fajita meat. I add garlic and Adobo (a Tex mex spice – not the pepper.) I also like their salmon too. The pre cut fruit is a good value as well. Anything you like?

  83. Anonymous off my chest*

    My sister was involved in a collision with her car while she was walking. The police investigated because she was injured and taken to the hospital in an ambulance. She has been found 100 percent at fault. Witnesses, a video from a nearby business and the driver’s dash cam show my sister texting and walking (with headphones) and walked into a busy arterial road that wasn’t near a crosswalk. My sister has been charged with jaywalking and the driver’s insurance company is trying to come after her to reimburse the damage for the dent in his car. My parents helped her see a lawyer and the lawyer said she doesn’t have a leg to stand on and should plead guilty right away and pay the damage because going to court in either case will not go her way. Both of her lower leg bones are broken, along with both bones in her forearm, her collar bone, her cheek and 4 ribs. She dislocated her shoulder. She needed surgery on her leg and was covered in bruises and road rash. She’s still in the hospital because of her leg. She is on unpaid FMLA now and will be moving in with my parents because she can’t afford rent while she’s not being paid and will need help when she gets out of the hospital. Her hospital bills and legal bills are climbing.

    I just need to get this off my chest. I am trying so hard to be supportive. But this was completely her fault. I get that no one is perfect. I know she is stressed and in pain. But she won’t accept responsibility and still thinks it is the fault of the driver. I want to scream at her and shake her when she starts on about this. I’m starting to reach BEC stage with her and I’m trying to be understand but she is making it so difficult. She’s normally not like this. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. My parents and family are stressed and don’t need me piling on more.

    1. nep*

      I am so sorry you and your family are dealing with that.
      Your rage is understandable. I’ve seen people walking while glued to their phones and nearly get hit — I always think, what an absolutely horrible situation for a driver who hits someone in those circumstances.
      We’re here to listen.

      1. Hellanon*

        That’s one of my greatest fears as a driver – that a pedestrian or bicyclist is put them selves in harm’s way and I am going to be the one who hits them. Riding an unlit bike at night, on the sidewalk, against the flow of traffic?: No, asshole, it is very likely I won’t see you. Ditto walking out into the street glued to your phone just as the light turns yellow – does that seem smart? No, it does not!

    2. Triplestep*

      Ugh, I am so sorry.

      Years ago, my sister was driving her motorcycle between a lane of parked cars, and a lane of cars stopped at a traffic light. A guy in one of the legally parked cars opened his door to get out, and my sister plowed into it. She required surgery on her knee (apparently this is a very common surgery after “getting doored”) and she was completely at fault. BUT my parents found her a lawyer who said she had a case against the parked car owner. I hardly ever spoke up when my family did crap like this, but I laced into my father for encouraging her to do more harm to this victim, and it did not end well. All of this is to say, you are smarter than I was not to try to add more to your family’s load here. Thank goodness your sister’s lawyer told her to plead guilty, because there are unscrupulous lawyers out there, and – although my sister did not pursue it – one of them would have taken her case.

      The best advice I can give is to try to separate what she did and what she thinks from her physical pain, for which she needs your support. If she starts talking about how unfair it is that she’s being held responsible, you may need to tell her that you want to help her physically, but you can’t have those conversations with her and won’t talk about it. I had offered to travel to my sister’s city to help her before I found out she was not taking responsibility, and I no longer wanted to once I learned the whole story. Sometimes you have to do the right thing for people who aren’t doing it themselves.

      On another note … regular people (not cops) have dash cams now?

      1. fposte*

        On the last: yep, it’s more common now that they’re cheap (it seems like everybody in Russia has one, but it’s true even in the U.S.). It’s good to know what the relevant laws are in your state are first, though.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I found an article from a Russian website that said it’s mostly for evidentiary purposes, so people pulling scams can’t lie to the police. Apparently insurance scams are pretty prevalent. But they’re awesome when something like the Chelyabinsk meteorite happens. A lot of the online footage of that came from people’s dashcams!

      2. Gatomon*

        Yeah, dash cams are a thing now. They aren’t too expensive either. Honestly this situation makes me consider getting one. I could see this going differently if there weren’t other witnesses/video of the incident. I also drive past a busy park daily where people have to park on the street, and I’ve always worried that a kid or dog or inattentive adult might dart out with no warning.

    3. Middle Name Jane*

      Your anger and frustration is understandable. Your sister is lucky to be alive. One of my secret fears in life is that I will accidentally hit a pedestrian and be charged with vehicular homicide or something. The driver who hit her is probably freaked out. Your sister is also lucky your parents are being supportive and are able to take her in after she gets out of the hospital. Maybe once the reality of the legal and medical ramifications hit, she’ll change her perspective and accept responsibility for this.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      She has a whole bunch of injuries there. IF you can, perhaps withhold opinion until she comes down off of all the pain med she must be on. I remember when we hit the deer. My husband was on so much med it was pointless having a conversation with him. He was in the hospital 10 days. When I brought him home, he sincerely asked me if I had gone to see him in the hospital. (Yes, I went once a day for ten days. I stayed for hours. He had no recollection.)

      When the dust settles see if her reaction is tempered to some degree.

      1. Anonymous off my chest*

        Thank you everyone for the support. I appreciate it more than you all know :).

        All of her broken bones are healed, her road rash is gone and so is the bruising. The only thing she is recovering from is the surgery on her leg. I don’t doubt she is in pain but she has been witchy this whole time to the point some hospital staff have complained. This wasn’t a fresh accident that just happened. I am trying really hard to be supportive but it is so hard. She has never been this way before.

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          Well, I mean…I hope she’s never been hit by a car before! I think that’s a huge thing – she was seriously hurt and that can make people act oddly. But it sounds like she’s making good progress on her recovery.

          I seriously feel for both of you – your sister because being hit by a car and suffering serious injuries sucks, and you because she’s being a terrible patient. Hopefully she’ll be back to not being a terror soon.

    5. Enough*

      Consider that your sister is mad at herself and taking it out on everyone else. When she admits she is at fault she will also have to admit (at least to herself) how stupid she was and how she has messed up her life and your parents’. And maybe realises but doesn’t to admit she could have been paralysed or died.

      1. Caro in the UK*

        Yes, this is my interpretation too, and something that I’ve seen a lot!

        People get mad at themselves for doing something stupid that causes them and/or people they care about a lot of harm. But they aren’t ready to face up to the fact that they’re responsible, and to deal with all of the emotional fallout that owning up to their responsibility entails. But that doesn’t mean that their anger goes away, so they end up taking it out on everyone else around them, who they can conceivably (in their mind at least) shift the blame to.

    6. valentine*

      Your sister shouldn’t make this decision while on pain medication or in recovery, and maybe she will need a lot more time before being in a good place to decide this. I’d get a new lawyer willing to advocate for this. It’s possible the medical staff blame her for the crash and are mistreating her. Can the family back off about the legal stuff and just be caring? Maybe sis feels guilty and like everyone is piling on and calling her bad and terrible.

      1. Anonymous off my chest*

        If by “on her about the legal stuff” you mean my parents paying for her to consult a lawyer, they did it because she was charged by police and there is a court case. She can’t decide not to deal with it because it is going to court. She has also been put on notice with the insurance company from the driver that if she doesn’t pay she will be taken to court given that both the police and them (the insurance company) found her to be at fault. My parents did this because they care and she can’t choose not to deal with it.

        She is being awful to the staff (name calling and throwing things to be exact) while they are being as good as gold to her.

        I posted here to get it off my chest because I am not complaining to my sister. I am caring for her as is my family. She is making it hard but I am still doing it. No one has called her bad or terrible so I am not sure why you said that.

    7. Belle di Vedremo*

      I’m sorry to hear this, for everyone involved.

      Pain and fear – and sometimes pain meds – can send people around the bend in a variety of ways, sounds like this has done a number on your sister. The damage sounds pretty comprehensive, if in addition to her physical injuries she’s being taken to court and losing her housing and at least short term her independence. Being supportive doesn’t mean that anything she does is ok, sometimes it’s reminding someone that they’re out of line, sometimes it means taking a break.

      I hope for all of you that as her body recovers that her personality does, too.

    8. LilySparrow*

      If her personality has changed, has she been assessed for head injury? You mention a couple of times that she’s not acting like herself.

  84. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    Late to this thread because it took forever to do errands in the blizzard!

    But, I have an awesome random fact I now can’t get a mental image of out of my head…

    Walruses can and do (and enjoy) performing oral sex. On themselves. They also masturbate using their flippers.

    1. Thlayli*

      Awesome! Another random masturbating fact: a 28 week old foetus and a 32 week old foetus have both been observed masturbating in the womb!

    2. Red Reader*

      I encountered a self-fellating walrus the last time I was at Sea World. My friend and I went “What is he .. oh. OH. Well then.” and turned and walked away, cracking up, as from behind us we heard a trio of small voices chorusing “Mommy, what is the walrus doing?”

      I have a remarkable superpower that, no matter what zoo I go to, as soon as I walk through the gate, some pair of animals somewhere decides to knock boots. Lions in the Dublin Zoo (and right as I walked up alongside a cluster of literal nuns escorting a school field trip too — they informed the small children that the lions were playing leapfrog), otters in the Point Defiance Zoo, sun bears the last time I went to the Indy Zoo.

        1. Red Reader*

          I tried going to the National Zoo to get the pandas, but got … kangaroos, I think? I forget. Not pandas.

    3. Gatomon*

      I used to have a male chinchilla, and he seemed to like to service himself whenever I had guests over. :(

  85. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    3 more weeks….
    On that note, I asked a close friend to be a bridesmaid back in November. She couldn’t bc she was in a graduate school exchange program (think far near France). She promised she’d be at my wedding which is soon. However, last week, she emailed saying she didn’t have enough money or time to attend. She also has a lot of pride and hates asking for money—I debated paying her $338 plane ticket and free room/board but was advised by other folks on wedding forums not to. I understand friend’s situation, but am annoyed she waited till past the RSVP date, and now it’s too late to invite another friend/couple in her place.

    I know, 1st world problems. That plus 1 hr drive to venue for meeting turned into 4 hrs(!!) due to horrendous traffic. And puffy eyes due to allergies. Walking on the treadmill, reading, and cooking to relax. How do you handle such guest situations? Or calm down when you’re so exhausted feeling like you’re herding sheep all the time? X//

    2. Caledonia*

      Have you tried any of the suggestions made on your previous posts about relaxing/calming down etc? The reason may be different but essentially you are still asking the same question I.e. how to relax?

    3. LPUK*

      I once went to the wedding of a friend I had met relatively recently ( but really clicked with) after a wedding guest dropped out at short notice, and she decided to ask me rather than waste a place that was already paid for. I hadn’t been expecting an invite, so I was honestly delighted to get the chance to go… and not at all offended by the late invite. Maybe you know someone in the same situation?

  86. Mandy*

    PSA: Don’t sleep with your phone under your pillow.

    My brother’s girlfriend does this because she wakes up way before he does for work in the morning. The heat from the phone and charger caught the bedding on fire. Their bedding and mattress were burned to nothing and all that is left is the frame. The smoke and flame destroyed everything in their bedroom. All those possessions are gone and the walls and floor and ceiling need to be redone. The hallway has smoke damage but the flames did no other damage. My brother and his girlfriend were awakened by the smoke detector. The bottom of her hair was singed but they are otherwise fine.

    Please don’t make their mistake. They are fine but now have to deal with the loss of their bedroom possessions and all their clothes, they had no renters insurance to fall back on and there is also the embarrassment they say they are feeling because their entire building was evacuated in the wee hours of the morning into an ice storm due to the fire.

    Don’t put your phone and charger on soft bedding for hours on end. My brother and his girlfriend got lucky.

    2. Thlayli*

      Most house fires these days are caused by chargers. Every time I see one of those stupid Pinterest “charging stations” I want to scream. Please don’t put all your chargers together in a cardboard box with no ventilation!

      I’m glad your brother and his gf are ok.

      1. Mimmy*

        Oh … I keep all of my chargers in a drawer. They are not plugged in or anything. Is that the same thing as you described?

        1. Red Reader*

          No, if they’re not plugged in they’re fine. Thlayli is referencing putting a bunch of actively-in-use plugged in electronics into a small box with no ventilation — it’s big on Pinterest because it’s a way to organize your cords while you’re using them so they’re not all snaked all over the place, but it’s a hazard.

    3. Middle Name Jane*

      The prospect of a house fire scares the bejesus out of me. When I first got a smartphone (and I was late to the game), I used to charge it overnight on my bed while I slept because I didn’t know any better. I don’t do that anymore because it’s bad for your battery, but I will also be more mindful of keeping an eye on the phone to make sure it doesn’t get too hot.

  87. Meggie*

    Anyone have any experience with silk sheets/pillow case/etc.? My mother sweats hers every night and I heard switching to silk might help.

    1. Thlayli*

      No experience with silk sheets, but just in case you don’t already know this – night sweats can be a symptom of some illnesses so your mom might want to discuss them with her doctor.

      1. Meggie*

        Oh, I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks for telling me. She already has multiple sclerosis and has an appointment with the doctor in a few months. She can ask about it then.

    2. fposte*

      I used to use silk sheets. I liked them a lot–this was in the sandwashed era so they had a lovely hand–but I would not say they sleep cool at all. They also are more unpleasant wet than cotton. Has she looked into the cooling gel pads you can get for beds?

      1. Meggie*

        I didn’t know you could get cooling gel pads for beds! We will have to look into that. Thanks!

    3. Chaordic One*

      I had some many years ago and found them to be extremely slippery. They wouldn’t stay tucked in at the bottom and the blankets on top of them were always sliding off of the bed. I was always kind of worried that I’d fall out of bed myself, but I didn’t. (Maybe they weren’t real silk.)

      2. DietCokeHead*

        I had the same experience! Keeping my pillow on my bed and under my head was like a night time sport. I also wonder if my sheets weren’t real silk.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      She might also consider switching pyjama brands if she has night sweats. There’s a pyjama store here and my mom buys all hers there. There’s some brand made especially for menopausal women experiencing hot flashes that wick away moisture and keep the person cool. I don’t know the brand but my mother swears by them :)

      1. Meggie*

        At this point she isn’t even wearing night clothes. She puts a towel over her under the duvet and switches to a new dry towel in the morning. Duvet goes on and off.
        Your mother’s pyjamas sound great, I’ll see if I can find them online :) thanks

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My boyfriend knew a guy who started a company that sells 100% linen sheets. His best customers were menopausal women, because apparently linen stays very cool. They’re expensive for sure, but I’ve heard nothing but good things from all kinds of sources. Maybe try that option?

    6. Emilie*

      Linen might be better than cotton or silk, when it comes to temperature regulating. Hemp might work as well. It can feel a bit rougher on the skin, but the fabric is much more comfortable when you’re feeling hot and/or sweating.

  88. MechanicalPencil*

    I’m going to San Diego next weekend for just a quick getaway. I have never been. Does anyone have any must haves that I should hit up?

    2. CAA*

      As with any place, it depends what kinds of things you like to do and what we might have that’s different from wherever you live.

      The San Diego Zoo is probably our most famous attraction, and it’s centrally located in Balboa Park. The Safari Park, which is run by the zoo is also pretty cool, but you need a car to get there. There are also a lot of museums in Balboa Park, or you could just enjoy the gardens.

      It looks like the Padres will be out of town next weekend, so you can get out and about downtown without having to contend with those crowds. The Gaslamp District is the old downtown area and it has many good restaurants and some night life. Little Italy is another hot spot for restaurants if you want an area where you can just walk around and look at menus until something sounds good.

      It probably won’t be beach weather as we’re expecting a cooling trend for the next week or so, but there are lots of other outdoorsy activities you could do. If you like to be out on the water, there’s whale watching, harbor tours and sport fishing; or kayak and paddle board rentals if that’s more your style. There are also plenty of places to walk or hike. Along the coast, you can explore Cabrillo National Monument, Sunset Cliffs, Torrey Pines, Batiquitos Lagoon; or you can go inland and hike around Lake Jennings or climb Stonewall Peak or Cowles Mountain.

    3. Anona*

      A few years ago I went to San Diego for a conference, and stayed in the GasLamp district. We ate at so many delicious restaurants. A quick Yelp search shows that there are plenty of tasty options.

      I still remember how tasty the pizza was from Basic ( we had one with mashed potatoes on it, I’m pretty sure), and the sushi from Taka. Taka was tiny, expensive, and authentic. We had some kind of still moving shrimp sushi that was awesome. We went there a couple of nights.

      Have fun!!! I loved San Diego, the eating and the weather.

    4. Not That Jane*

      Bread and Cie at 4th and University in Hillcrest is a fantastic bakery.
      Rancho’s Cocina at 30th and University in North Park is a really awesome, vegetarian/vegan friendly Mexican restaurant. Love their chicken veggie soup, eggplant burrito, spicy!! salsa.
      The arboretum in Balboa Park is I think still free admission (haven’t been back in a while) and a lovely, relaxing place with lots of cool tropical plants.

  89. Weekend Name*

    Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. I could use some perspective about a friendship.

    I’m 39 and have a friend I’ll call Melissa. We met in college 20 years ago and have been best friends ever since. But things are complicated, and I find myself more and more emotionally drained by her and wanting to let the friendship go. Melissa is both physically and mentally ill. She has a rare degenerative disease that causes physical pain and mobility issues. In addition, she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Her physical condition has deteriorated to the point where she can no longer work, and she spends most days at doctors’ appointments and doing things to manage her pain (prescription painkillers and marijuana). She is married with an elementary school aged son, and her husband is now the sole breadwinner and primary caretaker of their son.

    One of the issues is that she won’t let me help them in any way. I have bent over backwards trying to do things to help, like cook meals or run errands or help around the house. Anything because I know she struggles to do those things, and her husband is stretched to his limit between his demanding job and doing most of the parenting and housework. She blows off any and all offers of help, yet all I hear from her are how bad things are and what a struggle it is to keep the house running, etc.

    We communicate primarily via text. She has jaw pain so the phone isn’t really an option. She doesn’t like e-mail because her hands hurt with prolonged typing. So we text, which isn’t ideal for many reasons. But she’ll text and I can tell she’s medicated (or high) because the texts are incoherent or she’ll say she’s taken something and is falling asleep. The texts tend to be one-sided because she’ll text about the latest thing going on with her health and then she’ll say she can’t talk anymore because she just took medicine or is leaving for a doctor’s appointment or needs to rest before her son gets home from school.

    Another issue is that she is becoming increasingly volatile. She has always had an anger issue. I have–for years–walked on eggshells with her. There are many things I don’t say or bring up just to keep the peace. If I don’t respond to her like she thinks I should, she’ll blow up at me–which is exactly what she did a couple of weeks ago. She went off the rails on me one day and blew up my phone with 10 increasingly combative texts (which I have read to my therapist). That was right before my birthday, and I didn’t hear from her at all about my birthday.

    This afternoon, she sent me a text thanking me for sending her son an Easter card and said she “hoped things were better.” Then she sent me a cat meme. I waited a few minutes and then responded by asking if she didn’t think it was a bit jarring to contact me out of the blue with a cat meme after blowing up my phone with all those angry texts a couple of weeks back. She got defensive and said I was using her as a scapegoat for all the things wrong in my life. Then she said she had to go and would text later.

    I find myself increasingly wanting out of this relationship but feeling horribly guilty because she’s sick and I’m her only friend. I feel like a monster wanting to end a friendship with someone who’s sick, but we’ve been drifting this way for years. We rarely see each other in person (her illness). Sometimes months pass without me hearing from her, and honestly during those times I don’t seek her out because I secretly hope she won’t contact me—but she always does eventually.

    It seems incredibly cruel to cut her out of my life, but I am so drained and exhausted by this I don’t know what to do anymore. I know this was a terribly long post.

    Any advice?

    1. HRH The Duke of Coriander and Gomasio*

      I understand why you may feel guilty about letting the friendship go, but at this point it is clear she is not really interested in a genuine friendship. And as noted on another thread, having disabilities does not entitle someone to act horribly, especially to her best friend. I would firmly lay out all your issues with her and tell her the dynamic between you has to change for it to work. Being drained and exhausted like you describe is not good for you and this needs to change. If she continues to act irrationally and blame you for everything, this is proof that it is definitely time to move on. There is a slight chance she may see the error of her ways but I am not counting on it.

      1. Weekend Name*

        Thank you. I located the thread you mentioned about the person with the disabled friend. I’m going to read it–there may be some tips I can use. In all honesty, I think this friendship would have ended years ago but for the fact that I feel enormously guilty about Melissa’s deteriorating health.

        1. Kuododi*

          Tough question coming…..Why do you feel guilty about her poor health? If I am understanding the posts correctly, her condition is not something you caused or did to her. Acknowledging that, what does it accomplish to allow those guilty feelings to continue except to give yourself permission to remain in a deeply unhealthy relationship.

          I truly wish you the best and hope you can sort this out. Blessings!!!

          1. Weekend Name*

            I feel guilty because Melissa has awful genes and the bad luck to have developed this disease. I feel guilty because she’s physically suffering, I’m her only friend and if I leave, she won’t have anybody besides her husband–and I think she puts too much on him as it is. I feel guilty for putting *him* in that position. I feel guilty about a lot of things but as my therapist pointed out to me yesterday, it’s not my problem. He married her and chose to have a child with her. He also chooses to remain married to her.

            I know–rationally–I have nothing to feel guilty for, but I still can’t help but feel it’s somehow morally wrong to end a relationship with someone who is this sick. It feels like abandonment, like I’m not a good friend.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      She’s verbally abusive.

      However, the way I would frame this is “I am not the one who can help her. I need to get out of the way so that someone who can help can get in.” Not everyone is for everyone. There maybe other people out there that she will let in to her life more. Or your exit may prompt her to reconsider what she has been doing.

      Recently I had a brief chat with a dear friend. She did not want to get a handicap parking tag. I said, get the tag, that way people around you can take you places. Keep the tag in your purse so you have it on you. This way you will get to do things that you otherwise might not do if you have to walk a long distance.” With in the week my friend got the tag. Differences in people.

      Your friend decided a long time ago not to accept your help. You may need to step back in order for her to realize how much help she does need.

      When she gets mouthy, say, “I don’t talk to you like that for a reason.” Or “Whoops, looks like this is a bad time, see ya later!”

      1. Weekend Name*

        I don’t think Melissa will let anyone else in, unfortunately. Because I know she doesn’t have any other friends, I feel guilty for even considering ending this. Her other friends have drifted away over the years, and I know it has to be really isolating for her to not be working and around people every day. I know she’s in physical pain and is not able to go out and do things to meet new people. That’s why I feel so bad about this. But time and again I’ve tried to help, and time and again she won’t let me.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          This is why others have given up.
          Just because a person is seriously ill does not mean they are off the hook for learning experiences in life. Life is kind of cruel that way, I think. People who are really sick should not have to sort out life on top of that. But reality is that they DO still have to sort out life issues.

          And you, too, are having a learning experience in that before this concludes you will have a new definition of how much help you are willing to give people. This is a choice that is unique to you. I might draw my line tighter than you draw yours, but that does not make one of us right and the other wrong. It’s all in how much of a load we are willing to bear.

          One guideline my wise friend offered was, “Do NOT allow yourself to become injured in the process of helping someone else.” Injury includes emotional, financial, physical, psychological injuries. I think this is a good foundation to use to start really figuring out what you will do here. It also helps in understanding why some folks take on way more than we do and some folks do NOT, those folks (for whatever reason) feel equipped to handle it while others feel under-equipped.

          Just as a practical idea, maybe you can find ways to change your responses to what she says. It’s easy to fall into ruts with people. She always says XYZ and you always reply with ABC. Perhaps you can find a new response, DEF, and see how that new response plays out.

          1. Weekend Name*

            I really like the advice from your friend. It’s a good thing to keep in mind in all relationships. Thank you.

    3. Theodoric of York*

      I would suggest putting distance between you and your friend. You already don’t initiate contact. Just take longer to respond to texts, or don’t respond at all if the texts are upsetting or incoherent. With distance will come peace of mind. I wouldn’t try to reason with her; I believe it will just make her more defensive and angry.

      One possible idea if you want to help her: contact her husband and ask him what their family needs. This might not be a good idea, though.

      1. Weekend Name*

        I think you’re right about not trying to reason with her. I’ve noticed in the past couple of years as her disease has progressed, she’s become more irrational. She hasn’t told me what medications she’s on, but I know she takes prescription painkillers as well as marijuana (she smokes it, does edibles, and uses cannabis oil). At my therapist’s suggestion, I’m doing some research into Borderline Personality Disorder since Melissa has told me she has it. The mood swings and anger she exhibits are part of that, but I also believe the behavioral changes are partly due to her being under the influence of substances to control her pain.

        I don’t have her husband’s number or e-mail address, but I think she would go ballistic if I talked to him. My mom had suggested I talk with him, but I don’t have a way to reach him directly.

      2. Weekend Name*

        Hmm. I clicked “Submit” on a reply, and it didn’t show up. But thank you for your reply.

        I agree trying to reason with Melissa will not go well. She hears what she wants to these days (hence why I walk on eggshells), and I don’t want to fight a losing battle.

        I don’t have her husband’s number or e-mail address, so no way to contact him directly. Even if I could, though, I don’t think I would try. Melissa would probably get angry if I tried to talk with him.

    4. valentine*

      She’s abusive and it’s okay to leave. Imagine you have sent her a goodbye text and blocked her everywhere. Might you feel relieved? Not walking on eggshells and micromanaging yourself to suit her are massive things to cross off your task list forever, that should give you a more peaceful life.

      1. Weekend Name*

        Relief? Oh, yes! Incredible sadness and guilt over the loss of a 20 year friendship, but most definitely relief mixed in there too.

        If she weren’t sick, I would have ended it already. I’ve spent my last two therapy sessions talking about this and will probably need to talk about it with my therapist some more before I’m ready, but both my mom and my therapist are telling me it’s okay to end this. I’m getting closer to processing the idea that I’m not some kind of horrible person for wanting out of this.

    5. PNWflowers*

      Borderline personality disorder is ridiculously hard to deal with. Many professionals decline to take patients with that diagnosis; lay people get absolutely wrung out by it. I would A) look for some resources on dealing with BPD and B) spend some time realizing this is not yours to fix, nor is it your fault. The phrase “emotional vampire” is often used to describe BPD- they can bleed you dry. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It’s so hard.

      1. Weekend Name*

        YES! Emotional vampire. That is *exactly* the phrase that describes the situation. Even before I started doing reading on BPD, that was the phrase that kept popping up in my head.

        I’m still trying to wrap my head around BPD. I understand the description of it when I read about it, and I see patterns here and there that describe Melissa. But I’m still trying to grasp what all of it means. And a lot of the resources I’m finding are about coping with (or breaking up with) a partner who has BPD–not dealing with (or breaking up with) a *friend* who has it.

        1. Windchime*

          I have a sister who sounds a lot like Melissa. About a 18 months ago, I made the difficult decision to drastically limit my contact with her. During that time, we have not spoken on the phone or in person at all, and have only exchanged a couple of texts and emails.

          I hear you on the guilt. I felt terribly guilty at first, but now what I feel is mostly relief. Yes, sometimes I miss her but I have dealt with her issues for decades and I know for sure that, if I go back to having frequent contact with her, it will be the way it has always been. She is an emotional vampire and will suck me dry. She isn’t capable of talking about anything other than her troubles, how poor she is, how people don’t treat her right, etc. It’s exhausting and I can’t do it anymore. My stress level has gone down exponentially and it’s really made a difference in how I feel.

          Consider how it would feel to not have her in your life any longer. Really think about it. I’m guessing that you would feel very relieved.

          1. Weekend Name*

            I would feel guilty, because I have always had a strong guilt complex, but I would also feel enormous relief. And then I would feel guilty for feeling relieved. What you said about your sister being incapable of talking about anything other than her troubles is exactly how things are with Melissa. Pretty much everything I hear from her is how bad things are in her life. Which I get. They are. It must suck to have a debilitating, painful disease. I am sympathetic to that. But that’s all that gets talked about. If I talk about my life, then I get branded as being insensitive. That’s what happened a couple of weeks ago when she blew up at me over text. I didn’t respond the way she wanted me to, and she berated me for it. And then yesterday when she contacted me like nothing had happened, she was baffled that I was “holding onto resentment.”

      2. Kuododi*

        I primarily worked with children and adolescent in my counseling services. Because I am fluent in Spanish, I have additionally served a multitude of age ranges and diagnostic histories. I would get to the point sometimes where if one of my clients with a BPD dx was on hold, I could almost feel my hair turning grey!!! Let me also point out that BPD in Spanish is just as big a hairball as it is in English!!! ;)

    6. anonagain*

      I think you probably are going to feel guilty. I think you’ll probably feel all sorts of things for a while.

      You don’t need to convince yourself to not feel bad about this before acting. Sometimes feelings are weird and we just have to acknowledge them and still do what we need to do.

      I will also say that even though you and Melissa are nominally friends, it sounds like Melissa already doesn’t have any friends. If and when you end this relationship, she won’t be losing a friend; she will be losing a punching bag.

      1. Weekend Name*

        That’s a good point about not trying to convince myself not to feel bad about this. Ending a friendship is going to be bad. My therapist has already warned me this is going to be messy, and I know it will be. Everyone is telling me this needs to end, and I’m finally getting to the place where I agree. This has been dragging on for years, and I stayed out of guilt. But I cannot do this anymore.

    7. LilySparrow*

      I think if you just keep speaking your truth the way you did about the bizarre dynamic with the texts, you won’t have to end it.

      She will stop contacting you if you hold her to reasonable expectations of friendship and courtesy.

      1. Weekend Name*

        Hmm. I wish it would happen that way, but I don’t know that it will. Every time I think I won’t hear from her again because it’s been so long, then I do hear from her. But yesterday me calling her out for her previous text rants–I had never done that before. I’ve let so many things slide over the years. It felt scary and good to point out to her that her behavior is not normal.

  90. Mag*

    Has anyone been in a long distance relationship? If so, did it work out? yes, no, why? i’m currently in one and i do love him and see myself with him forever but i don’t know if i could (or should) eventually leave everything that i’m working for (i’m 25, in law school and i just got a really good job in the judicial system) to start over from zero. (we’re in different countries so i couldn’t work as a lawyer, plus we’re in 2 different legal systems – im in south america, he’s from north america) The truth is, without him i can’t be totally happy but also i don’t want to lose my personal goals for someone else (even if it sound selfish – its the truth for me)

    1. Parenthetically*

      Yep! Married to someone from 10,000 miles away. It worked out because we both knew we wanted to be together, so we made a plan to close the distance. He moved here, in part because I was passionate about my career and didn’t want to give it up (and can’t work in his country without getting another degree), but also because it made sense in other ways. The important thing is to TALK ABOUT IT WITH HIM. Figure out what it would take on a practical level for him to live in your country. Talk about short term, medium term, long term (for instance, my husband and I are planning on moving back to his country in the next 2 or 3 years, and staying there long term).

      Take emotional words like “selfish” out of it and lay out the facts. What would you give up? What would he give up? How would it work? How long would it take, and how long would you want it to take? Are you planning on marrying? How does that affect things like immigration status? Are you both really in this for the long haul? It’s HARD being long distance, and HARD after you close the distance, for different reasons.

      There’s no relationship without communication.

      Good luck to you.

    2. Environmental Navy Wife*

      Hubs and I started dating in high school. We were long distance through all of college, together for a couple years, and now he’s Navy. We made it work through all this with clear communication, basing decisions on facts rather than purely just emotional (not saying that emotion isn’t important! But both in the relationship need to think about things realistically), and a decent sense of humor. Hubs knows what’s important for me and what I need from him to feel fulfilled, and I know the same for him. You need to learn how to be direct in LDRs, IMO. You can’t just hint at things, because it’s pretty easy to get resentful.

      I also just recently read the military version of the 5 love languages book, and it’s pretty thought-provoking.

      Also – if things don’t work out, that’s okay. It’s better for something to not work out rather than try to force a relationship that isn’t going to work. It’s good too to have that conversation with him and make a timeline – if in 5 (or whatever) years, you’re still together…will you then plan on moving somewhere together, based on xyz? Or does he have a different timeline in his head?

    3. Anona*

      I don’t know much about being a lawyer, but I believe in the US if you have a foreign law degree you can take do an LLM degree (typically 1 year), and would then be eligible to take the bar exam (in some, but not all states). But if you go this route, definitely check on employment rates. My impression is that it’s really difficult to find work as a US lawyer (my brother and my sister in law both graduated from US law school in the past 6 years or so, and it took each of them several years to find good, long term jobs with benefits), so I’m guessing it would be even more difficult if you’re coming in as an international person.

    4. Sparrow*

      Mine didn’t. I was in a similar situation. I’m doing a not-easily-transferrable professional degree in the US, ex finished his PhD in a narrow field and, as he’s from Europe, couldn’t find a job that would sponsor his visa. I don’t see myself living in Europe, he doesn’t see himself finding a job here, so we broke up. It was hard to lose that emotional support, but it was also nice to no longer have that angst in my life and the frequent texting and Skyping that made me less engaged in life where I am.

    5. Mananana*

      Has your relationship always been long-distance? Because there is a HUGE difference between how couples behave in an LDR and actually being together. It’s easy to be on “good behavior” for short periods of time, but do you know how he is on a day-to-day basis?

      Also, if you’re telling yourself that you can’t be totally happy without him, then that will be the “truth” you live. But what if you told yourself that you COULD be totally happy, with or without him? How would that feel? Because basing your happiness on one person is a precarious position to be in.

  91. Kuododi*

    Hi y’all…looking for help with pain management. Was officially diagnosed last week with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in both wrists. Additionally I have a pinched nerve in my neck aggravating the pain and numbness in my hands. I am currently on 600mg gabapentin, flexaril prn, Tylenol to manage the discomfort. Unfortunately this weekend the pain and numbness has gotten so bad that I am having problems with routine care issues. (ie…DH has had to help put my.shoes on, pull up my jeans and fasten them).

    I am looking for any help with pain management. (I will consider OTC, perscription, Grandma’s old fashioned remedy….whatever.). To complicate things, I am allergic to the codiene class of meds and can’t take NSAIDS due to kidney disease. Help!!!! Thanks bunches

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I loved my TENS unit for Carpal Tunnel. I only used 2 of the 4 pads and I put it on a low but constant pulse.

      Can you see a chiro about the pinched nerve? My chiro also helped me with CTS.

      Do you use a computer for work? If yes you can get one of those track ball mice. It will take a day or so to get used to it but the pain relief is really high. I have also gotten pain relief with a wireless mouse on a different computer. (I can put the mouse where I am comfy.)

      1. Kuododi*

        How does one go about accessing a TENS unit? I have read a little bit about them and they seemed interesting. Will have to hit up Google for a bit more research. I used chiropractors for years, until about Oct of last year when my chiropractor SD he felt my pain and discomfort had reached the point he believed I would be better served under the care of an MD. Since then I have been working with the pain management MDs through my insurance. Thanks for the suggestions!!!

        1. Natalie*

          You can just buy them online, it doesn’t take anything special. My husband got one on amazon.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I found this site:
          https://www.thegoodbody.com/what-is-the-best-tens-unit/

          I have an Empi which is OLD. I see that others make wireless ones now. I love my Empi and I can still get replacement pads and wires for it.
          A while ago, I thought I saw some on the Walmart site, too.

          I would not buy the cheapest one I found, but I don’t think you have to buy the most expensive one, either. A medium priced one, from a company who has been making them for a while should work out of okay.
          If your doc writes a script for it you might be able to get insurance to cover it. That is how my husband got this one.

          I can tell you that there have been days, the only way I was able to go to work was because of the TENS unit. I charged both batteries overnight, put one in the machine and brought the other battery with me just in case the first one quit.

    2. valentine*

      I know someone who had good results using wrist braces overnight to stop them bending.

      1. Kuododi*

        I have used them in the past until the darn things wore out!!! I will have to pick up another pair. Thanks bunches!!!

    3. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m sorry you are in so much pain. Do you have a doctor who is working with you on a long term plan? Treatment for the CTS, the pinched nerve, or both? For a pinched nerve in your neck to affect both hands, you have to have two pinched nerves or a pinched spinal cord, which would be very serious.

      This paragraph will require you to have your own doctor to help you with. I don’t know how bad your kidney disease is (which is very important for gabapentin dosing) or whether you’re taking gabapentin 600 mg daily, twice, three or more times per day, but that may not be the highest dose you can take. There are also other medications for nerve pain, but they would all be prescription as well. Is it just codeine you’re allergic to or all opioids? Codeine is a particular problem among the opioids because of the trouble some people have metabolizing it, which is why I ask. Even if you can take others, though, opioids are not the best for nerve pain and should not be depended on alone.

      On your own, you can look into night splints, as suggested above. They should keeps your wrists near neutral (that is pretty much straight with the arm) not bent up like many of them come from the store. Lidocaine patches, which are over the counter if you’re in the USA (maybe other places too, but that’s where I know) applied to the area of pain can also help, if they’re safe with your kidneys. Don’t wear them for more than 12 hours at a time and then take 12 hours off, or they’ll stop working.

    4. Sylvan*

      I had a coworker have surgery, which completely got rid of the pain, although he didn’t enjoy physical therapy. Another coworker with milder pain just did physical therapy.

      I’m having a little trouble finding information on the codeine class of medication – are you allergic to codeine specifically? Opiates in general?

    5. Chaordic One*

      In your case I wonder if you might get some relief from heating pads. You might also consider acupuncture or some kind of therapeutic massage. Although not an immediate remedy, I’ve had good luck with physical therapy.

    6. Belle di Vedremo*

      I have friends, both physical and massage therapists, who treat carpal tunnel and pinched nerves. You might look for someone who does soft tissue manipulation (eg cranio-sacral or myo-fascial release therapies) in your area. I’ve seen people go from seriously compromised and medicated to pain free and mobile. It would usually require changing habitual movement patterns, too, so as to not recreate the problem. I’ve seen some people get immediate, lasting relief and others get some relief up front with more relief over a course of treatment. A lot of MDs and chiros aren’t familiar with this work, and thus don’t recommend it. One friend’s practice is based on referrals from MD’s who sent him their “lost cause” patients, who now send patients to him to see what he can do. Having patients leave in wheel chairs and return walking has proven pretty compelling to that set of MDs. I’m a happy client of such practitioners when issues arise for me, and have had a frozen shoulder resolved with this work.

      If you’re interested in equipment, I have some experience with low level LED (pulsing) infra-red light pads. Recently met a woman with a cyst on her neck that caused cascading pinching; she used the lights for two days and saw her doc, who was thrilled. Anecdata, not a promise. The system I’m familiar with is from InLight Wellness (formerly Avalon)*. They’re pretty expensive, but people here rent them out. (*I have no affiliation with them, just been a user and met others who use them.)

      Hope you soon find relief.

  92. HannahS*

    I’m going to Chicago next weekend. What are your recommendations? I’m definitely doing an architecture tour and the art gallery. I like walking, parks, and poking around in interesting shops, I like history and science and design, I like brunch. I don’t drink and don’t care about sports. And I won’t have a car, and am staying near The Loop. Bonus points for local fabric store recs!

    1. KayEss*

      Millennium Park with the “Bean” (a.k.a. Anish Kapoor’s “Cloud Gate”) is right across the street from the Art Institute, and is a nice place to walk around. Weather permitting, of course… and the weather could be literally anything next weekend. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      For science/history, there’s the Field Museum, and for science-science there’s the Museum of Science and Industry, both of which are pretty great. Field is more biology/natural history with dinosaurs and such, MSI is more physics/engineering with a lot of interactive exhibits. The Shedd Aquarium is also good if you are into water creatures. If you’re planning to go to a lot of museums, there’s a bundle ticket called CityPass that’s a reduced cost versus full-price adult admission–you can get it online or at any of the participating museum ticket counters. I think the Art Institute, the Field, MSI, and the Shedd all participate, and it also comes with admission to the Sears/Willis Tower observation deck. (It can be neat if you’ve never been before and aren’t scared of heights/elevators, and it’s a reasonably clear day. I’m a local so I’m pretty meh about it.)

      1. Tort-ally Hare Brained*

        We loved our City Pass when we honeymooned there! It also let us into a much shorter line at the Shedd. The Adler Planetarium was included as well.

        1. Kristen*

          I agree, I bought the City Pass the last time I was in Chicago and loved it. I think it was at the Field Museum where we got to skip a long line to get in. Very nice. I also went to Willis Tower with it, but it was late in the day so the line wasn’t long then, but the pass also lets to you get in quicker there as well. I think the price was worth it too if you plan on using all of the passes.

    2. fposte*

      If the weather’s nice, I highly recommend the architecture tours on the river. It will be colder there than on land, so dress accordingly. I believe there are actually two companies that do them; I think they’re both good, but I would go with the one run by the Chicago Architecture Foundation.

    3. Nicole76*

      If the weather is nice I highly recommend Lincoln Park Zoo. Admission is free, as is the Lincoln Park Conservatory building right outside of it, plus buses run from the Loop area directly to the zoo. Even if you’re not into seeing the animals themselves I find that whole area nice to walk around in, although at this time of the year it might not be quite as picturesque as in the fall.

      Oh, and just north of the zoo is the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum which has a live butterfly atrium in case the weather is rainy like it is right now.

      FWIW both the zoo and the museum are accessible by CTA bus routes #151 and #156 if you’d rather not take a taxi or UBER.

    4. Parenthetically*

      We LOVED the riverboat architecture tour we took. Picked the sunniest day, bought the tickets, and spent a couple hours in blissful sunshine slowly cruising along the river while some smart person told us about the buildings towering over us. It was fabulous.

      Go to Little Goat Diner for brunch! We went to Girl & the Goat (its sister restaurant) for dinner but it’s hard to get a reservation this close to the time. Little Goat has similarly creative but less expensive food in a more casual atmosphere.

  93. Anon for this*

    So, I love my SO deeply. We have a good relationship. We’ve talked about marriage in a year or two. We’re both in our late 40s, so we have a pretty solid idea about how we’d structure our lives together in the future. And I know that this is the healthiest, happiest, most stable relationship either of us has ever been in. But he had this past relationship of 15 years that just looms over us, or at least over me.

    It was a dysfunctional train wreck—thanks to mutual friends, I know she would describe it that way just as much as he would. They made each other miserable by about five years into it, but kept on going like some perpetual motion machine regardless. Each was equally a part of the problem, though they seemed to be more unstable together than either has been apart. Yet I know they had the huge highs and lows that seem incredibly romantic when you’re young and very intense always, and I suspect sometimes our calm, happy existence feels bland to him in comparison. Our mid sized town is chock full of places they went/had fights/made up—we just tried to go out for a nice dinner, only to have him get a bit moody. I just KNEW we’d run into memories again.

    He isn’t planning on ever going back to her, and I don’t think she’d take him back either. So I’m not jealous as much as I am…eclipsed. I feel like a glass of water next to a vodka on the rocks. One of those things is much, much better for you, and much, much less intriguing. He’s the romantic high of my life, but despite our happiness together, I don’t know that I’ll ever be that to him.

    It’s unrealistic to expect anyone at our ages not to have important exes. But how do I get over this feeling of being overshadowed, always and ever?

    1. Elizabeth West*

      How long ago did he break up with this person? And how long have you two been together?

      If it was a while ago, he really shouldn’t still be mooning over it. If it was fairly recent, he might not have worked through all those feelings yet, and maybe he shouldn’t have started another relationship.

      Some people mistake drama for love and/or think that when it’s not a whirlwind or the first rush dies down, that means it’s over. Unless someone has lost interest, which does happen, that is not true — a calm, happy, companionate existence (with whatever sexual frequency is best for everybody) is love nirvana. It’s the goal, not the end. And some people are addicted to the drama. They might not ever admit it (or even realize it), but they like starring in their own personal soap operas.

      If I were you, I’d talk to him about it. Maybe start with something like, “Reginald, I’m getting the sense that the whole thing with Candy is still affecting you. When we go somewhere you two went, I feel like I’m losing your focus. Can we talk about this?”

      It may just be that it was traumatic and he’s having heebie-jeebies about it. Like, “Ugh, this is where she said that awful thing that made me feel like running into traffic.” But that’s HIS baggage to deal with, and that should not be on you. So if that’s the case, maybe he needs to talk to someone about it.

      Whatever it is, I would be prepared to possibly hear something you don’t want to hear. Take it from me; it is worth taking seriously if that happens; you don’t want to waste any time on someone who is not 100% committed to being fully with you. I wasted time on someone who went on and on about marriage and then backpedaled when I called him on it. I should have walked away when that happened nine months in; but no, I refused to believe that and we went along for four more years and the breakup was a lot worse at that point. You deserve better.

      It’s possible to work this out, but you should not be doing all the emotional labor here. If this is bothering you, then you need to say something.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. There are three of you in this relationship. Until he is ready to let the old relationship go to rest, proceed with caution.

      2. Anon for this*

        We had a long talk this morning. He said that he’s not missing those days, or her, but it’s only been in the past few months that he’s realized just how unhealthy and destructive the old relationship was. He’s angry at himself for wasting so much time—“most of my adult life,” as he put it—trying to fix something that was fundamentally broken. So I think this is less about her OR about me, more about him handling serious midlife regrets.

        I don’t want to be at the mercy of these memories forever—we deserve a cleaner slate. But he says he’s working through it and apologized for making me go through ups and downs with him. Hopefully we’ll both get better at speaking up about how we’re feeling when moments like this arise, and hopefully they’ll arise less often down the road.

      1. Anon for this*

        A little of both, though as noted above, a lot of what he’s been working through isn’t about missing his ex as much as it is about him regretting having spent so much of his life in a train wreck of a relationship. So that mostly leaves me and my insecurities. It doesn’t help that it had been a LONG time since my last relationship. I’d basically given up on dating; we met through friends. So it’s difficult for me not to keep wondering “what’s the catch? Where does this one go wrong?”, even when my lived experience and my rational mind tell me that we’re very compatible and care for each other deeply. I guess I wish he were able to banish that insecurity, but realistically I don’t know if that’s something he could do even if he had zero past regrets or high-drama relationships. It’s up to me.

  94. Fellow Traveller*

    I feel kind of embarrassed for having to ask this question when I’m almost 40, but how do people manage their periods? (I feel like this is kind of a topic of the week…) After having two kids, I’ve started having my period again and I feel as if I can’t remember how to deal with it or the fatigue and cramps that come with. (Or maybe I just never really got the hang of it before I had kids?) I’ve just been wearing pads with my regular underwear, but it never feels comfortable or secure. Last week, I totally leaked through my pants at work one day. Another night I got up to nurse my son in the middle of the night, and I leaked through my PJs and stained the seat of our rocker. And how do people deal with the laundry? Sometime I hand wash, but sometime I forget and then have to toss the underwear.
    Wondering what do other folks do so that having their period doesn’t throw a curveball in their clothing or activity choices?
    Also- I’m intrigued by the idea of a menstural cup- any tips on getting a good fit? I used to use a Nuvaring, but it would constantly fall out because of the shape of my anatomy, and I’m wary that a menstural cup will do the same.
    Thanks for any thoughts folks might want to share!

    1. Natalie*

      I was never a pad user so I can’t help with that aspect of it, but it sounds like you might want to spring for a couple of pairs of period underpants (Thinx, for example) to use with a pad. They should help with unexpected leakage so at least you don’t stain stuff.

      As far as laundry, I am laaaaaaazy where laundry is concerned so all my underwear is black, gray, navy, etc.

    2. Environmental Navy Wife*

      I had horrible cramping, nausea, and a super heavy & unpredictable flow back in high school/early college. It’d take me out of school for a week. I had to go on a hormonal birth control to balance out everything. I was on Sprintec for 8 years before I recently noticed cramping/flow/unpredictability coming back. Sprintec was fantastic for me – I could tell you to the hour when my period was coming, and I would go through a ‘normal’ amount of tampons/pads, instead of one each an hour. I loved it. But for some reason I was getting out of whack again, so the doc switched me to the Nuvaring, and now I have no periods, and none of the resulting physical/emotional roller coasters that follow with. I know that I personally *need* that hormonal control or everything goes to hell in a handbasket. Have you talked to your dr about this to see what options you might have?

      Making the assumption you were on the Nuvaring before kids happened…are you on no hormonal BC now? Because I would bet that would potentially cause more unpredictability/cramps/fatigue if you were used to BC, then had kids, now no-BC.

      As far as getting the stains out – I use OxiClean on the stain, let it soak (depends on patience & size, anywhere from 5 minutes to oh shit I forgot I was doing laundry, but usually around 15 minutes), rub into the stain from the outside of the stain, and then wash in the machine with everything else. You want something that is enzyme based. I will also freely admit to wearing overnight pads and darker bottoms if I was feeling particularly anxious about it.

      (Disclaimer that I’m not a doc, but have spent way too much time cleaning blood out of undies/pants/skirts/chairs….)

    3. Laura H*

      Do you recall if they were as bad pre kids? And is it recent? I don’t need to know but it’s worth considering to bring up with your doc

      As for the laundry thing- I usually get my soilled stuff (period or urine- sometimes both… it happens…) in for a rinse in the washer and then a wash too… but that’s not always feasible.

      Good luck.

    4. NicoleK*

      So here are my suggestions;
      1. keep an extra set of underwear and pants at your work place or car in case of accidents
      2. Use the pads that provide the most leak protection at night. Many brands will have some labeled for overnight
      3. For cramps, there is the Thermacare portable heat wrap designed for menstrual pain. I love that product. Also Advil and heating pad.

    5. Kuododi*

      First thing….Run!!!! Don’t walk to your ObGyn. Any type of.abnormal bleeding like this is a red flag symptom. Don’t take no for an answer if you’re told some nonsense about not needing a thorough evaluation. It’s been so long since I had to deal with my excessive bleeding I’m not sure what was prescribed for me. I was on BCP from when I started my cycle in fifth grade until the cancer DX at age 29. As far as laundry is concerned… I remember lots of cold water rinses of the underwear and washing on cold, delicate with Woolite. Trick is… don’t put underwear in the dryer unless you’re sure the stain is gone. Heat will set the stain in cement. Best wishes….you are in my thoughts.

      2. Forking Great Username*

        It’s really not a red flag when you recently had a baby, which I’m assuming is the case since she referenced getting up at night to nurse her son. When your period first returns after having children, it’s pretty common for it to be WAY more intense than usual for several months.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Yes, and your forties can bring their own special treasures in the period department as well.
          I’m not a doctor, but I would think ovarian cysts would have gotten noticed in the course of having plural babies.

    6. HannahS*

      I have hellish periods (heavy, long, disabling-ly painful) that I managed (badly) for a couple of years with pads and advil. At night, I’d have one on the underwear gusset, one over my bum, and one across the front of my underwear (so…a diaper, basically) because I slept in every position and leaked all the time. Sometimes I’d wash my underwear right away in the sink with cold water and soap, then hang them over the side of my laundry basket and they’d get laundered again on wash day. I switched to tampons and prescription pain meds in my mid-teens, and found that a tampon + pad or liner made a HUGE difference in my comfort, how clean I felt, and how often I wrecked clothes. However, I found that switching tampons as often as I needed to for as many days as I did was rough on my tissues and I’d get really sore. And the prescription meds weren’t strong enough. I’ve been on Lolo (an oral contraceptive) for a few years and I really don’t get periods at all anymore. Maybe just a day of spotting every couple of months, so light that I hardly even need a pantyliner. It’s been really necessary for me, even though there are side effects that I don’t love. Some things I recall that did help: for bloating, I’d lie on my back and pull my knees up to my chest, and kind of rock back and forth, which helped the flatulence shoot right out. Also, I sometimes found it was nice and gentler to hop into the shower and take a two minute rinse, rather than trying to wipe–especially if you’re wearing pads. If you have normal flow, tampons + a liner might get you through a couple of hours, and is generally more comfy than pads, IMO.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t comment on menstrual cups; I’ve never used one and don’t want one. I’m a pad user, occasional tampons with a panty liner because they seem to always leak a little. Usually, I just keep them handy in my purse, at home, at work, and in my suitcase.

      The pads with wings seem to work best at keeping your pants intact. They make longer ones for nighttime and ultra thin ones — I like those. Do not flush tampons down the toilet. They WILL clog the plumbing. I did not know this for a long time, until I moved here to an apartment and a neighbor clogged ours. The plumber said don’t do that anymore. I also keep baby wipes in the bathroom for me. Do not flush those, either.

      For stains, rinse in cold water when they’re fresh and then you can do laundry later. Not hot water! Make sure the stain is gone before you put in the dryer or it will be there forever. I keep a few pairs of older underwear around and only wear them during Shark Week, so if they do get trashed, I don’t worry about pitching them. For a while, Kotex had these really cool disposable paper underpants, and they were GREAT and cheap, but they stopped making them. :(

      I don’t have kids so I don’t know if this is your usual flow or if it’s changed after the births of your children. If so, talk to the doctor — if it’s gotten heavier, BC pills can help, if you’re able to take them. I had awful periods as a teen and a young adult. I’m talking so copious I had to use the rubber sheet people use for bedwetters to save the mattress. BC cut them down to almost nothing. It was wonderful for years, but now I’m not allowed to take them anymore. Thankfully, it’s not as bad as it used to be.

      Ibuprofen for cramps. Some people swear by a hot water bottle, but that never did much for me.

    8. Thlayli*

      It sounds to me like you just need to find better fitting pads. I use tampons on days with heavy flow and pads on days with medium flow / at night. I always use pads with wings that wrap around my underwear. If I don’t, the pad will shift and my underwear will get stained. There are lots of shapes and types of pads – some are more absorbent than others. I had no periods for about 3 years when I had my kids and after that all the brands and packaging had changed and it took me months to find one that suited me.

      Idgaf about stains – I certainly wouldn’t throw out a pair of perfectly good underwear just coz of a little stain. Once they’re stained they just become period pants and I’d wear them every month during my period.

    9. Middle Name Jane*

      Don’t be embarrassed. I’m 39 and have been having period issues for the past few years. My flow used to be pretty light, but it’s gotten heavier the past couple of years. I wear tampons and use pantiliners to catch any leaks–which happen quite a bit because my flow is heavier than it used to be and I’m still learning that I have to change tampons more often. And my period is evil because even with using extra-long pantiliners, I still manage to get stains on my underwear out of reach of the pantiliner. Ugh. I do the best I can with stain removal. I use Shout gel or spray to pre-treat stains and both liquid Oxiclean and liquid Tide in the washer. Sometimes the stains get out, and sometimes they don’t all the way. I just accept that I have a stack of stained underwear and I wear those during my period and wear my non-stained underwear the other three weeks of the month.

      Years ago, I used the Instead disposable menstrual cup for awhile. I liked not having a string in the way when peeing, but I didn’t like removing the cup and trying to be careful not to spill any blood. Also, insertion could get messy since you have to reach further to get the cup into place. And that was when my flow was lighter. No way would I use it now with my heavier flow. I went back to tampons. I wore pads in high school because I didn’t have a good first experience with tampons (I wasn’t inserting them correctly, so they were very uncomfortable). But if you’re interested in using tampons, I like U by Kotex Click. They have a compact applicator that expands to regular size when you pull on one end. They’re comfortable and easy to insert.

    10. Ktelzbeth*

      I had a really hard time with cramps, so am grateful for my Mirena IUD. Before that, to manage flow I used a menstrual cup or a SoftCup. I’ve used Diva Cup and, I think, Moon Cup, but I may be misremembering the second. It took some time to get used to getting the cups in right, but once I learned, there was almost never any leakage. A pantyliner weight reusable pad or period underwear (my brand is usually Luna Panties because you can get organic cotton) is plenty for backup. There are many different sizes and shapes of cups and a lot of the brands have suggestions about who they will work best for. Blogs may too (in fact, trying to remember the name of my second cup, I found a website by Red Herring, who seems to have devoted her life to reviewing menstrual cups). There’s probably something that will work without falling out, but you may have to be willing to invest time and money into trying.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        And I meant to say about stains. . . Cold water and hand soap right away works wonders, then hang dry and was as usual. If the problem was overnight, take the offending garment into the shower with me and rinse it out there. And for when I’m pressed for time, a small bucket/tub by the toilet for stained underpants/small stuff instead of throwing it down the laundry chute so I don’t forget that to deal with it when I have time. Not as good as right away, but at least it doesn’t get mixed with everything else and lost.

    11. valentine*

      Triage: maximum sleep; delay the noncritical. Adult incontinence underwear, solo or with pads, will spare your clothing. OxiClean (or Windex, in an emergency). Wipe if fresh or leave soaking, then wash with laundry detergent with OxiClean in it. If you find the incontinence stuff too bulky or what have you, buy a ton of underwear and treat it like it’s disposable, so you can focus on feeling well in the moment and not laundry. If you have a SO, they should be volunteering for cleanup detail.

    12. The New Wanderer*

      If you are willing and able to take BCP, ask about continuous dosage. Except for breaks for conception, I opted out of having periods about 15 years ago. Hoping to cruise all the way til menopause.

    13. Book Lover*

      Be very careful with hormonal birth control while nursing. You don’t want to affect your milk supply. It is a fantastic option after, though. I just take an OCP continuously and have a period maybe every 5-6 months when I start to spot. I do pads, never got comfortable with anything else. I usually use the overnight ultra thin extra long even during the day and haven’t had issues since I started doing that. At night I usually do that along with fleece pajama bottoms on the hevaiest days, just in case.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Is there any way you could be entering pre-menopause? I had a friend whose cycle ended when she was 32, the same thing happened to her mother. I guess age does not matter.
      I always had period problems but when I started winding down, I found myself saying, “What is wrong? Have I forgotten how to handle things?”

      Fresh stains of any type come out quicker than stains that are a few hours or a few days old. This holds true for food stains, oil stains, etc. I used the cold water rinse trick that a few people here have mentioned. Hot water will set the stain into the cloth permanently, so be sure the water is cold. Oddly, I found that Nature’s Miracle worked well on older blood stains. I had the product here because of having pets. One day I tried it on some sheets. It worked. you have to soak an area slightly larger than the stain, because a wet stain can spread. So you want to go out a little bit all the way around the stain. I folded the item up so air could not make it dry out before the spray got to do its work. Later, I would go back and just rinse the NM and the stain right out of the cloth. I like to use the product in a spray bottle because it feels like I am making the product last longer. NM is a little spendy.

    15. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Menstrual cups changed my life. Mine has never leaked, and I only have to empty it twice — once in the morning and once before bed.

      Go to putacupinit dot com (link in additional comment). Lots of info about menstrual cups, and a quiz that is super helpful in figuring out which brand and size will work well for you.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        Boy, I wish I’d known about this before I got my diva cup last year! It’s… ok.

        To answer the original question, the biggest difference for me was the iud. It did make things a little unpredictable, and made my cramps worse for a while (not debilitating, but not fun), but things have settled down and I barely use my cup now. Mostly pantyliners do the trick.

      3. Anon for this*

        I tried menstrual cups, and man, they didn’t work for me at all. I got the smallest ones I could find and there was still NO WAY that thing would fit in me. I never had children, which I guess plays a role? But plenty of women who haven’t given birth seem to wear them fine.

      4. Mephyle*

        The other site with ALL the answers about cups is at menstrual-cups.livejournal. See the sidebar on the right on the linked page. It’s well worth a visit for anyone considering it, or anyone who tried/is trying cups and had/having problems. Some of the most useful information: links to pages comparing the different brands, and to videos showing the different folding methods for insertion. Plus many questions from new users with answers from experienced users.

    16. EN*

      When my periods were heavy (before going on an IUD), I would go through a tampon an hour and always have to use pads as a backup, especially overnight. Switching to the Diva Cup made a huge difference. Even on my heaviest days, I could empty it about every four hours (before work, over lunch, after work…). I still used pads/pantiliners for backup just in case, but there was no more bleeding through pants or pajamas! For cleaning tips, Google “Jolie Kerr bloodstains,” (that’s Jolie Kerr as in the “Ask a Clean Person” columnist, and you’ll get all sorts of tips to choose from.

    17. Sopranistin*

      I loathe pads and tampons. I totally recommend trying a menstrual cup. Cups have a learning curve, it takes a few cycles to figure out how to insert it so it’s snug and won’t leak. There are many different brands of cups, all with different sizes, shapes, materials. It may take time to find the right one for your anatomy. If you google it, you can find all sorts of guides and info about the different brands.
      My first was the Diva Cup, I used it for several years. I think it’s a good starter because it pops open easily once you insert it and it holds a lot of fluid. For me it was slightly uncomfortable, I think the size was too big, but still better than other methods. I eventually tried another brand, Sckoon, which I use currently. It’s a bit smaller and the cup is more flexible, but I have to empty it more often.
      As for laundry, if I can get to a stain right away, rinsing under cold water gets the blood out, then wash as normal. I have a few pair of reserved period underwear I only wear on my period, so I don’t mind if they have set in stains. Though, if I’m diligent about emptying the cup, I hardly ever have leaks anymore.
      I usually get pretty bad cramps for the first 36 hours of my period. I alternate between ibuprofen and acetaminophen (so I don’t overdose on one) for the pain. Also, I have a microwaveable heating pad that helps tremendously.

    18. Melody Pond*

      I’m a die-hard menstrual cup and cloth pad user. I second the recommendation for putacupinit.com, and their quiz to pick out a cup that might work well for you.

      Big disclaimer about menstrual cups – they are HIGHLY subject to user error, and there can be quite a learning curve! Just because you keep leaking doesn’t mean cups won’t work for you. It can take several months to figure out A) how to make sure your cup is open, and B) how to make sure it’s positioned correctly underneath your cervix to catch the menstrual blood. But even with that learning curve – they are SO worth it.

      The LENA cup and Super Jennie cup are probably my top two recommendations for cup newbies. The LENA cup company also has great customer service and will follow up with you to see how it’s going, and help you however they can. Also – the LENA cup is shaped in such a way that it’s less likely to slip out, which is one of the reasons I really like it.

      The Merula cup might be good if your cervix is crazy low and if your pelvic floor muscles are very weak. My mother (who’s had five kids – prolapsed uterus, I think?) is in this camp, and I gave her my old Merula cup. She said it’s the best cup she’s tried so far – most comfortable, least amount of leaks, and because it’s so round, feels most secure/least likely to slip out. There’s now an XL version of this cup, but I haven’t tried it.

      Cloth pads, in my opinion, are far superior to disposable pads. They’re way more comfortable, and they can have a much higher capacity than disposable pads. Most of them have colorful prints/patterns, but you can find them with plain black toppers, where you don’t need to bother trying to stain treat them at all.

      I’ll reply to this with several relevant links that I’d suggest checking out.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Links:

        Using Cloth Menstrual Pads When You Have Super Heavy Flow Periods:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRqD7UlCJ2c&t=903s

        How to choose a menstrual cup:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4idRtbYagE

        (Playlist) For beginners: Cloth pads & menstrual cups
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpqEwwuHnvc&list=PLxR4XAOCBmo1ZlCgUfIKcq-HgdrQY0yEC

        (Playlist) Menstrual cup reviews:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqgeil1gm40&list=PLxR4XAOCBmo3LMiUveyeTgfKo55UnitoV

        (Playlist) Cloth pad reviews:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJ9n0ZtQYEU&list=PL0VEHn_N2t3nWmMIg-sI_qUdio_VQp9jq

      2. Melody Pond*

        Oh, also, re: laundry…

        If you do decide to use cloth pads with colorful prints/patterns, that may help you get really good at stain treating your other clothing/linen items that get blood on them.

        Basically all I do now, is rinse the item in a bunch of cold water, immediately, then soak it in a small basin or bowl with a scoop or two or some form of oxygenated bleach (I use the BioKleen brand), for several hours. Like, I’ll often let mine soak for 8 hours or more. And if that doesn’t get it all, I’ll rinse it all out, and then do it again.

        Then once the stain is gone, I wash in the laundry like normal.

      3. LilySparrow*

        I have a couple of cloth pads that I’ll wear around the house (not confident enough in them for going out)

        It’s a nice break from the synthetic materials, which can get irritating. I can’t say they reduce cramping, but it’s one less irritation to deal with while cramping, which make it seem easier overall.

    19. Belle di Vedremo*

      Hydrogen peroxide takes blood out of fabric. Just be careful, as it can also take color out.

    20. Kj*

      Have you thought about an IUD? I hated periods and used an IUD to stop mine for a while. I only took it out when we were trying to conceive. I’m pregnant now, but when I have my baby, I’m getting another IUD, for my own sanity. I used the hormone Mirena and my periods stopped right away with it.

    21. LilySparrow*

      Your period may also be different – mine was after having kids. I had my second at 37, so I kinda slid straight from postpartum-wierd into perimenopause-wierd, which is a double whammy.

      I can’t get away with either cute or stretched-out, ratty underwear during my period anymore. It has to be briefs with plenty of structure. I use overnight pads with wings – wide part in front during the day, wide part in back at night. And just keep checking and changing more frequently than I used to.
      It’s not an issue every month, but when it is, it’s better to be prepared than not.

      A cold water presoak works fine for the laundry. And if it doesn’t come out pristine, it’s okay – they are period pants for a reason.

    22. Jacquelyn*

      I love my menstrual cup. Different brands do fit differently so you may need to try out a few before finding the right fit. I think it is definitely worth it: no more spending money on feminine products, only having to change it every 12 hours, being able to put it in early when I feel my period is about to come to avoid spotting…. I could go on!

  95. Circus peanuts*

    I have a cousin who has been missing for four weeks. She has a history of addiction and we are hoping that she checked herself into rehab. My uncle has been calling hospitals daily but because of privacy laws, if my cousin doesn’t want anyone to know she is in, they protect her rights. However, she also has a history of criminal behavior to support her habit so we are all hoping for the rehab choice. Has anyone else been in this situation before? Any advice? I am hearing this third hand but I am confident that the police have been notified.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Okay, so someone has notified the police? Perhaps that person can go back to the officer they spoke to and ask if the police would find the person even if health care privacy laws are protecting the person.

      Just my opinion, but I would go for daily contacts with the police until she is found. I’d recommend talking directly to the police chief about the matter and being sure the chief has several phone numbers he can use to contact the family if need be.

      If she has a criminal record, perhaps she has a parole or probation officer that she needs to check in with. If this is the case, then I would call/visit that person also and let them know she is missing. Ask them to call if they hear from her. If they cannot call you, ask them to ask HER to call you guys when they see her.

    4. LSW*

      Creating a missing person’s report with the police is your best bet. Depending on your state, you may be able to look up online or call to see if she’s been booked. Other options would be calling the coroner’s office or her insurance company. With her insurance company, keep asking for a supervisor and stressing the human side–that you or your uncle are intensely concerned and just want to know if she’s been admitted somewhere. Eventually you may find a supervisor who is sympathetic and ignores HIPAA.

    5. Kuododi*

      No suggestions. I simply want to let you know that you and all your family are in my heart. This must be a nightmare beyond words. Grace and peace to you and your beloveds.

    6. Middle Name Jane*

      I’m so sorry. I hope your cousin is safe–please do update us. I don’t have any suggestions, other than confirming with your uncle that a missing persons report has been filed.

  96. Environmental Navy Wife*

    I ended up bringing home two bitty, adorable, talkative parakeets this weekend. Their little voices are so cute!! And now the house isn’t dead silent at all times!

    MIL has now been relegated to email contact *only*, since she has flipped her shit at nearly everything and anything. Oh, Hubs got rolled because of a very minor inner ear issue that was resolved in 2 days? *FREAK OUT, HE’S DYING, OMG, OMGOMG* No……….he’s not. He’s fine. Really. He is. *I’M GOING TO FLY TO RHODE ISLAND TO SEE HIM* Uhm, excuse me? No, you’re not – there are explicitly NO visitors during OCS. NONE. *BUT I’M NAVY, I DO WHAT I WANT* Okay, could you not cause his entire class & drill instructors to hate him, ffs?

    *throws hands in air and has cookie dough & wine for dinner*

    1. ..Kat..*

      You are a culinary enchantress.

      Good luck with everything. Sounds like you are coping well.

      1. Environmental Navy Wife*

        Thanks. I guess I don’t *feel* like I’m coping very well, but when I see what others are posting on the Friends/Family FB group, I apparently am. Or talk to my in-laws, who were both Navy officers, who I for some reason expected to be a more solid support. Very thankful for my Marine wife grandma right now.

    2. Nicole76*

      Family can just be so draining, so let’s discuss your parakeets! They sound adorable. Have any pics to share? What have you named them?

      1. Environmental Navy Wife*

        Truth.

        They are so cute! Here’s a pic from when they first got home: https://www.instagram.com/p/BhmSPAYHbg9/
        The blue one is Elvira, the teal/green/yellow is Cassie. They were very quiet for the first day, but very talkative now. They are still a little unsure of everything, but will jump on my hand. ^.^ They sing a lot when I’m watching Simply Nailogical on Youtube, which is pretty funny.

        1. Middle Name Jane*

          What beautiful feathers! I’ve never owned a bird because I’ve always had cats.

          I’m sorry your MIL is going nuts on you.

          1. Environmental Navy Wife*

            ^.^ I’ll tell them the Internet thinks they’re pretty when I get home, lol. My family’s never had cats because quite a few of us are allergic, but I do think they’re pretty cute.

            I think I’m going to write down & make a book of the goofy crap that she says. Most recently, apropos of nothing, over text: “i don’t understand why he doesn’t just go to church and borrow someone’s ph!!!!”
            I guess borrowing someone’s phone is better done in a church than a bathroom, but no one in his OCS class has their phones, so I’m not sure who he’s going to borrow one from. Unless he’s going to go all Mission Impossible somehow?

        2. Nicole76*

          That’s awesome that they jump on your hand. They’re always so skittish at the petstore. I’ve read they can be taught to speak!

          1. Environmental Navy Wife*

            I’m hoping these little ones will learn to speak a little – I chit chat at them constantly. From what I’ve read, it’ll be more difficult to get them to speak simply because there’s two of them, so they won’t 100% rely on me for attention, but that’s okay. I’d rather have two happy chirping budgies than a single sad one that sometimes talks.

  97. Juli G.*

    My son recently had a birthday party and we have most of the thank yous done. For a variety of reasons, we didn’t open at the party.

    There is one gift with no card and two children that don’t have a gift from them. My child doesn’t ask for gifts as an admission fee – the party is his gift. It’s fine except… who gave the gift?

    Child 1: came to his party last year with a gift, I know Mom, parents seem to adhere to social traditions

    Child 2: didn’t come last year, don’t know Mom well, according to my son she isn’t always the most prepared for the day

    Am I okay to assume unmarked gift is from Child 1 and thank them for the gift? Should son write a thank you to child 2 so they aren’t left out when others get it or does that lookpassive aggressive?

    Help!

    1. Thlayli*

      Just write a thank you card to each of them saying “thank you so much for coming to my party / sharing my day “ or similar. Don’t mention gift at all.

      1. Middle Name Jane*

        This! This is your safest option, Juli G. This way, both kids receive thank you notes and you don’t have to worry you guessed wrong about who the gift is from.

      2. Book Lover*

        That’s what I did for everyone after my kid exuberantly opened everything too fast for me to figure out what was from who.

    2. Red Reader*

      If you know mom of child 1, could you just ask her? “August is working on his thank-you notes from the party, and we have this awesome llama-grooming set that appears to have gotten separated from its tag. Process of elimination suggested it might be from your little Johnny, but I just wanted to verify with you before assuming that.”

      2. Middle Name Jane*

        But what if the gift is not from Child 1? Then the mother would be embarrassed.

        I think the best option is what Thlayli suggested–write a thank you note to both children that doesn’t reference the gift at all and just thanks them for attending the party, etc.

        1. Red Reader*

          Why would she be embarrassed to go “Nope, not us!” I’m not a big one for thank you notes myself, but it seems to me that if one is a proponent of same, leaving a gift unacknowledged would be defeating the purpose of writing thank you notes for gifts – and if someone took the time to write me a note to thank me for attending their party but didn’t bother to mention the gift I got them, that would be weird to me and I’d wonder if they didn’t find it in the pile. (But I wouldn’t bat an eyelash if they either asked me about an unidentifiable gift or didn’t write me a note at all. It’s specifically the note with no gift acknowledgment that would be weird to me.)

  98. RestlessRenegade*

    I know there was a discussion about this in the weekend thread some weeks ago, but does anyone have advice for what browser/settings/app I should use to read the AAM threads? I usually use Chrome, either mobile or not, and frequently find the page frozen due to the ads. I’m not super tech-savvy–is there something I should be doing to prevent? Thank you for any help you can offer!

    1. Middle Name Jane*

      Oh, I am so glad you brought this up! I thought it was just me. The AAM site does not get along well with any browser I use, and I’ve tried Internet Explorer, Firefox, and Chrome. Chrome has the fewest issues for me, Firefox the most (the AAM site generally makes Firefox crash on my computer). But, yes, I often experience freezing, slow scripts, etc.

    2. KayEss*

      Personally I only find the site usable with an adblocker in place. Maybe I’m depriving Alison of fractions of a cent in ad revenue, but the reading and commenting experience otherwise is unbearable.

      3. Middle Name Jane*

        I’m sorry Alison, but I finally had to install an ad blocker last night because the site had become unusable for me on IE, Chrome, and Firefox. Once I did, I no longer had any problems with the site.

        I went with Ad Block. I won’t post the link, but if you Google it it’s the first link (Chrome Web store). They also have a version that works with Firefox. You can white list specific sites and/or non-intrusive ads to help support site owners if you wish.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Please do not be sorry! Like I said below, you’ve got my blessing to do it if it’s a problem for you. I want you to be able to use the site without annoyance.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It’s weird — some people have no problems, others have tons. If you’re in the latter group, you have my blessing to use an ad blocker.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Some one here recommended uBlock Origin. There is a uBlock Something else, which is a different product and different company. So I got the Origin. OMG, I can now read AAM without rebooting every half hour. phew! No more problems.

      It also stopped that stupid fake MS pop up that says to call a certain number. I thought nothing would stop that stupid thing, it locked up my computer each time.

      1. Just a Concerned Third Party*

        I’m not sure about another uBlock something-or-other, but the other u* I know about off the top of my head is uMatrix. Since I’m a Firefox user, I use NoScript, but apparently on Chrome uMatrix is boss.

    5. Mimmy*

      The site works best for me when I’m on my desktop iMac using Safari and AdBlock Plus. Does anyone know if the ad blocker work on mobile devices, like iPhone or iPad?

      1. Just a Concerned Third Party*

        Yes. You can install ABP on an iPhone / iPad as long as it’s running at least iOS 9, IIRC.

    6. Just a Concerned Third Party*

      For ‘set it and forget it,’ you can’t do much better than one of the top-rated ad-blockers. I see the same two across every browser, usually people are going to pick either uBlock Origin or AdBlock Plus. I hear that uBlock Origin runs a little bit faster, but AdBlock Plus has an interesting feature that automatically allows some ads to display if they meet “acceptability criteria” (https://adblockplus.org/acceptable-ads), which makes it a good option if you want to keep supporting sites through their ads when they don’t actively harm your experience.

    7. Peanut*

      Not sure if you’re still reading, but i only read AAM on my (android) phone using Firefox and uBlock Origin as an adblocker. Has consistently worked great. Once when I tried to look at AAM on my laptop, i was horrified at how unreadable it was, because I was totally spoiled by using my phone and never realized that some people see other stuff.

      (But on rare occasions, other sites won’t load on my phone so then i switch to chrome for those.)

  99. Middle Name Jane*

    Oh, I am so glad you brought this up! I thought it was just me. The AAM site does not get along well with any browser I use, and I’ve tried Internet Explorer, Firefox, and Chrome. Chrome has the fewest issues for me, Firefox the most (the AAM site generally makes Firefox crash on my computer). But, yes, I often experience freezing, slow scripts, etc.

  100. Yetanotherjennifer*

    Physical Activity Thread!

    Post your goals, successes and struggles with exercise and physical activity.

    I did nothing this week beyond my weekly walk with a friend. I’m on vacation next week so I’m just going to wear my step counter and enjoy myself.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Getting back into the daily walks! The weather has not been cooperating and I just haven’t felt up to it due to anxiety and lead-up to Shark Week.

      I’d also like to start doing some yoga and/or Pilates to work on my core, and some strength training.

    2. Tort-ally Hare Brained*

      I’ve been wanting to move more. Rode my bike to work one day this week, ~6 miles each way. My goal is to do this once a week, and I think the key will be to really think about my plan before the week (meetings, weather, etc).

    3. CanadianUniversityReader*

      I completed my first week of Couch25k and I am really happy about that. I’ve also met my step goal a few times this week which has been nice because I’ve mostly been studying for my exams. But, I am worried about next week because we are back to winter were I live and I am not motivated to exercise outside when it’s freezing cold and snowy.

    4. nep*

      Still riding the back-pain-free wave so was able to work out as I wished this week, thank goodness. Had some good workouts using kettlebells, ropes, body weight…
      Working on mobility so I can get back into some yoga poses I used to do before an unplanned hiatus.
      Finally able to do the dumbbell snatch with some heavier weight — feels great. Worked a bit on Olympic lifts technique. All in all a great week wrt physical activity. Looking forward to getting out walking/jogging/biking once Mother Nature allows. (Everything but everything is coated in ice this morning.)

    5. CatCat*

      Worked out 6 days last week. Saturday was my total rest day and it was glorious. Starting the 3rd week of my 5k training this week. It’s been going really well.

    6. Cruciatus*

      While I don’t have trouble getting my steps in on work days (my job requires me getting up and moving around the space throughout the day) yesterday was the first Saturday in a long time (since early fall at least) that I got my steps in (thanks to Pokemon Go!). I may go for another walk today! Last winter I was really good about continuing to get my steps in on weekends but this year I was like “eehhhhhh” so it felt good to get my daily goal again.

    7. Mimmy*

      We recently got a stationary bike. My husband has been better about using it than me :/ He started out doing 10 minutes, then increasing the time by a minute or two each day.

      Hopefully when the weather becomes more consistently nice, we can start going on walks in the evenings again.

    8. Kristen*

      Baby steps for me. I’ve set goals for this summer as far as where I’d like to be with my weight. I don’t have a lot to lose and am most concerned with eating better and getting back into exercise than with the numbers I’ve written down. My diet over the last few weeks has been much better. Like I said, baby steps as far as the gym is concerned. I’ve gone the last two weekends which is better than not going :-) This weekened, however, we are basically snowed in here, so I decided not to go.

      I’m super excited, because I back-ordered a bike rack from REI while they had their 20% off member coupons, so this summer I really hope to get back into biking. As far as a general goal for physical fitness, I am going to Banff at the end of the summer, so I just want to be in shape for the lots of hiking that will take place that week.

    9. Red Reader*

      I walked about 40 miles while I was at Disneyworld last week, hah. (That has to counteract at least SOME of the Mickey Mouse ice creams, right?) I also just recently ordered (but haven’t unboxed yet) a step to do some step aerobics at home — it feels silly, a little bit, but I feel like it’s something I’m more likely to do than some of the other at-home video type workouts.

      Right now my biggest impedance to everything is that I’m in the final stretch of grad school. But my last assignments are all due on the 30th, so I’m hoping I can convince myself to fill the “Well, now that I’m not in school anymore, what am I gonna do with all that time” spaces with healthier habits since the easy “I can’t go to the gym, I have to work on my paper” excuses will be gone.

      1. Middle Name Jane*

        Now, there is an idea! I’ve never tried step aerobics. I’m looking at Amazon right now, and there are a lot of highly rated steps with risers. And (because I’m overweight), I’m looking at the specifications, and the ones I’ve seen so far say they hold up to 500 pounds–so no chance of me breaking them.

        Do you happen to know if there are step aerobic videos on YouTube? Seems like there would have to be. I don’t have a DVD player, so trying to think of other ways I could access some videos. I desperately need to start exercising.

        1. Middle Name Jane*

          Okay, yes! Looks like there are a bunch of step aerobics routines on YouTube.

          I think I may do this.

    10. Natalie*

      We got at least a foot of snow yesterday, so my big physical activity this weekend was shoveling. So much effing shoveling. It did, however, inspire me to figure out a sort of squat to go along with picking up the shovel that I think I will try and do all the time now.

    11. annakarina1*

      I usually do yoga, weights, and Muay Thai, and I did Muay Thai about three times last week, but need to push myself into the next-level class, it felt too easy for me last week. I did yoga and Pilates this weekend, and want to be in better shape for my frame and not to carry too much upper-body weight on me.

  101. SAHM*

    I now have a 3 day old baby. She’s perfect. I’m never doing this again though, pregnancy in my thirties is too hard compared to my twenties. Plus, I really missed beer. Things 1,2,&3 adore her, and Thing 2 (who we jokingly refer to as Sheldon) has shocked me by insisting on holding her ALL the time. Considering the tantrum he had when we told him it would be a girl not a boy I’m a LOT surprised by the amount of adoration he has.
    I’m obviously in love, and exhausted, and in pain, but …. my Dahlia tubers came in the mail while I was laboring (from the Netherlands!!) and, ummm, I really want to start planting/digging/playing in the dirt. I was supposed to be napping with her today and instead I re-configured in my head how I want to plant my side yard (various sunflowers, Dahlias, tulips, hyacinth, and gladiolus and zinnias of course). I’m thinking I can start planting my mammoth seeds Monday (if Hubs lets me off the couch/bed), and then the cutting gold Tuesday, and the new red sunflower seeds Weds, so maybe Thursday I can start potting the Dahlias….. :-D

    3. Parenthetically*

      Aaah congratulations! On both the baby and the dahlias, with which I am totally obsessed.

  102. matcha123*

    I’m quite late to this, but the past week people were talking about “mansplaining,” and I have a somewhat similar issue…I guess it could be called “race-splaining?” or “poverty-splaining?”
    I was raised by a single parent who grew up in abject poverty, and through a lot of good luck was able to enter and graduate from one of the top universities in the state and country. My parent moved out of the inner-city to section 8 housing in the suburbs where me and my younger sibling were raised. We were very poor, but not as poor or in as dire circumstances as our parent. However, working from a young age, seeing my peers with more, etc. had a profound impact on me as a person. My parent was always active in class and race-based activism and I grew up going to many events.

    With that said, I have a friend who is Asian-American and who seems intent on denying me and my family our experience. She wants to work with non-Asian disadvantaged communities, and has increasingly chided me for my “apathy” towards causes like Black Lives Matter. I grew up hearing and watching news stories of young minorities being shot, profiled, etc. and I cannot get outraged at every single incident, as tragic as they are.
    This friend tries to explain to me what the situation for blacks and Hispanics is in the US, while actively denying my experience. I assume because she can’t fathom how people with a university education could have a difficult time finding steady employment. When I’ve told her about my parent’s experience growing up in poverty, she once countered with “Well, was your parent raped?” as if that was an appropriate question to ask me.

    Do any other minorities here feel called to prove their pasts? Or people who grew up poor? I feel like I need to have some epic tale of poverty and racism to pass a test I’m not looking to be a part of…

    1. Cristina in England*

      She asked you what??? I am aware that she may have other qualities that are good, but from the information here she sounds like she is not your friend. She doesn’t seem capable or willing to expand her perspective.

      1. matcha123*

        It was a number of years ago when that incident happened. At that time, I didn’t have the confidence to speak up. A few months prior to that we’d had some back and forth on something else.
        She has a huge capacity for compassion, but I really feel like she’s like some of the well-meaning older white women I’ve met who can only identify with struggle through stories and can’t imagine that the people around them could have once been poor or experienced discrimination.
        She always needs to be right and doesn’t realize that she can’t argue a lived experience…

    2. Temperance*

      Your friend sounds like an asshole. Who ASKS that of a person?

      I am white. I grew up in poverty, with other poor white people. Most of my childhood friends were very young parents, and at my age, 34, several are grandparents. I was lucky in that I did well in school and went on to college and eventually law school. That doesn’t mean that I grew up with all the advantaged of middle class folks.

      People like your friend are really toxic, IMO, to the nonprofit community. I’m guessing she didn’t grow up disadvantaged, so she thinks that only black or latinx communities are disadvantaged, and she treats people from those communities as if they are disadvantaged/lesser.

      1. matcha123*

        The trend I noticed with her is she seems to collect disadvantaged people and fix them with money and tough love. Then, she complains and tosses the person aside when they don’t follow what she says or improve in a way that’s satisfactory to her…

    3. Nom De Plume*

      The comments you describe certainly sound tone-deaf – but there’s perhaps a more generous reading of what she’s trying to convey. I will guess you are white? If not, then apologies. But it sounds to me like her comments are attempting to highlight the importance of race and ethnicity in people’s experience, and how those intersect with class – what is today called intersectionality.

      In other words, she seems to be saying that while being poor is of course a struggle, there are specific types of struggle and experience that attach to being poor AND black, or poor AND Latinx, etc (consider, for instance, the levels of incarceration for poor Blacks versus poor whites – sociologists have studied the effects of systemic poverty in those communities, for instance; most people do NOT climb out of their circumstances). However, I don’t think that’s necessarily a denial of your experience: rather, it’s an attempt to highlight the experience of others who deal with added layers of stigma, prejudice, and marginalization. Being poor is not a universal or leveling experience.

      To put it differently: today I read a delightful, thoughtful article about the Asian-American immigrant experience in American literature, and how it has only recently come into view. A commentator responded by saying that lots of Irish immigrants has struggled in the US too – but being white and European and an immigrant is NOT equivalent to being a minority immigrant – it’s tone-deaf to deny that experience comes with its own particular struggles. And in her awkward way, it sounds to me like that’s what your friend is trying to point out. So it’s not necessarily invalidating, because it’s not a zero-sum game of experience. It’s awareness and recognition of the circumstamces of other groups, too.

      1. matcha123*

        I am multiracial with one white parent (dead, never had contact) and one black identified, multiracial parent. I myself am very brown and no one would guess I am half white. My black parent was and is very active in minority, especially black issues. And grew up in the inner city. I know all about racism, but I guess that since I don’t talk about it and I don’t express the same outrage, she feels some need to teach me?
        What’s worse is she has no understanding of how multiracial black people fit in the black community or issues surrounding multiracial people in general. She is from a well off immigrant family. Lots of family support in the US and her parent’s homeland. Her parents paid her schooling at a prestigious private university and she went to private schools. I went to public schools, good ones in the suburbs and a good public university.

    4. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      When I’ve told her about my parent’s experience growing up in poverty, she once countered with “Well, was your parent raped?”

      …oh honey NO

      So, if you don’t mind me derailing a little bit…are you Asian-American? And is she from a comfortable (middle-class or above) background? Part of the reason I’m curious about this is that you actually hit on the probable issue in your response to Cristina – she can’t imagine that people in her social circles could also be from disadvantaged backgrounds. Or she might be projecting her experience onto yours. It doesn’t make what she’s doing right, and it certainly doesn’t make her a good ally, but it’s an explanation.

      But…ouch. That just sounds REALLY hard to deal with. I really hope that she can see that her preconceived notions of all black and Latinx people in the US being OPPRESSED and all people that aren’t black or Latinx never having to face adversity are wrong.

      (Oh, right – my own experience. I get this quite a bit, as I’m a black guy with a lot of white friends. A lot of my friends have become more sensitive, but there have been times where some of my friends have spoken over me when something racial comes up. Or there have been times where people have spoken about black people like I’m not in the room…when I’m involved in the conversation. It’s more a question of them being in so much of a rush to show that they’re Woke that they stumble over themselves and me.)

      1. matcha123*

        I’m not Asian American. I think that she and a lot of Well Meaning Upper Middle Class people truly believe that once a disadvantaged minority is given a university education, all of their past issues magically disappear and any inequalities are due to ineptitude or laziness. University Educated Minorities or Poors cannot experience any troubles relating to upper middle class peers because… Some reason I’ve yet to understand.

        I never tried to compare my experience with poverty to someone growing up in a more dangerous area. But it is not good to assume that everyone in the suburbs is well off. Especially when there is low income and section 8 housing in those areas.

        I do think there’s a lot of “othering” going on with her. And she wants me to prove myself and she also wants to put me in my place for some reason.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Your friend is an arrogant, sanctimonious jerk.

      She has set up her personal Privilege Olympics, and you can totally refuse to compete for her amusement.

      How gross.

  103. Alinea*

    Favorite water?! I’m a sucker for trying different kinds.

    My favorite is good ol’ Deja Blue, hehehe. My office water club gets Sparkletts, which I enjoy too.

    I’ve tried Voss, Mountain Valley, Fuji, Evian, Ethos, those pH ones, etc….whatever I find on sale really. All of them are ‘meh’ at best.

    Ew: Arrowhead, Dasani, my useless Brita

    Tap: NYC (didn’t believe it till I tried it); Bay Area isn’t shabby! Berkeley, if we want to get specific. I’m sure a lot of cities has better water than the hard water here in my Southern CA city h

    Mineral: personally hate it, have yet to try any sparkling/mineral water that doesn’t taste like bitter cardboard

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Never found the water in NYC that special, but it’s drinkable. Same with DC/Maryland and…well, actually pretty much everywhere I’ve ever been except Wisconsin. I don’t know what the heck is going on with their water, but when I lived there I couldn’t even brush my teeth with their tap water because it tasted so awful to me. I think maybe Los Angeles was probably the best tap water I’ve tasted, although not by a whole lot.

      I like Dasani, although not enough to seek it out when I need it. Poland Spring, too, although apparently Poland Spring is made of lies so oops. Deer Park is my big ew brand.

      Cannot for the life of me get on board with any kind of seltzer because of how bitter it tastes.

    2. nep*

      Along these lines — I’m looking for the most environmentally friendly way to get healthy water. I guess tap water, right? Ours isn’t too bad but I’ve just got to work on getting used to it as I’ve been buying gallon jugs of spring water. I just want to get away from supporting the manufacture and transport of so much plastic.

      1. hermit crab*

        In the vast majority of locations in the U.S., tap water provided by your water utility is the answer. Bottled water is regulated by the FDA, not the EPA, and is not held to the same standards for testing and transparency so it is not necessarily “healthier.” Have you tried a filter for your tap water to improve the taste?

        Also, the temperature of water can affect the taste a surprising amount. I believe there have been taste tests that show people *think* they prefer bottled water over tap water – but it turns out that it’s because people tend to keep bottled water in the fridge, so it’s nice and cold when they drink it, and that improves the taste. Keeping tap water in a pitcher in the fridge, even a plain filterless pitcher, can actually make a big difference.

        1. nep*

          Indeed — I don’t have a lot of faith in the marketing of these ‘pure’ waters.
          For the environment, I’m just going to fill up my glass or glass bottle with tap water and make myself get used to the taste. Glad for the reminder today — I’d been gradually moving to tap but still buying gallon jugs.

          1. Middle Name Jane*

            Exactly. I don’t buy bottled water unless I’m at the airport or out somewhere with no other alternative.

            I got out of the habit, but last year I started infusing a reusable water bottle with various fruits and that helped me drink more during the day at work. I need to start doing that again.

        3. Julianne*

          I definitely agree about the temperature thing. I had hard water in my village in Peace Corps – not complaining about not having to spend time hauling and treating water, certainly, but honestly it was pretty gross. It was way better cold, though, and even better if I put in some fruit slices or part of a Crystal Lite packet in the pitcher. (Even my neighbor kids, who had grown up in the village and had that water their whole lives, would come over for a “fridge water” treat. I gave out Crystal Lite packets as gifts!)

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        You could buy a water filter for your sink. They remove things like lead if it’s NSF certified. For just taste, do you like Brita water?

      3. Parenthetically*

        I’ve never had better tasting filtered water than from a Berkey. They’re expensive but shoot, that water tastes GOOD.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      We have well water and it’s OK, but I still prefer bottled water. Typically I go for Aquafina or Dasani. I tend to prefer the filtered water over spring water. I’ll drink Poland Spring, but only if that’s all there is.

      It’s so weird how water actually does have flavor and most of us have definite preferences.

      1. hermit crab*

        It’s so weird how water actually does have flavor and most of us have definite preferences.

        Yes! We did a blind taste test in one of my hydrology classes in college and it was so interesting. I think we tried a few different types of bottled water, distilled water (yuck), well water from my professor’s house, tap water from the college building, and tap water with various levels of salt mixed in. I think the well water won, but I forget. The most interesting part was how people generally don’t start to notice a salty taste in water until you have added a *lot* of salt.

    4. Menacia*

      I will only drink Poland Springs bottle (flat) water, and I really like their flavored (sparkling) waters too. I absolutely hate Disani and my hubby knows this so will go out of his way to make sure to buy something else (Fufi is fine, and other more expensive brands). As long as the bottle reads that the water is from a spring and not just filtered, I’m usually pretty happy. I also work for water utility, but the only way I can drink our tap water is if it’s boiled, I can only drink water from the tap in very specific areas of the country.

      1. Menacia*

        Oh, wait, in reading Parenthetically’s post I remembered the water I drank from the fountain that was at the top of a hike in Yosemite. It was ice cold and really fresh. I can’t remember the name of the trail that lead me there, it was a tough one though!

    5. Parenthetically*

      Best water I’ve ever tasted was from a campground in South Dakota. My husband and I were on a big camping trip and filled up our 5-gallon jug there, and were legitimately so sad when it ran out. It was glorious. So crisp and fresh and sweet and thirst-quenching. We both took our first drink of it and said, “WOW, THIS IS GOOD WATER” at the same time.

    6. Clever Name*

      Denver Water is far and away the best water I’ve tasted. It’s basically melted mountain snow. Mmmm. :)

      1. Cuddles Chatterji*

        Denver water is pretty darn good! I think the best tasting water I’ve ever had was filtered from a stream on the west side of Rocky Mountain National Park. I was slowing sipping it from my Nalgene bottle a week after I got home.

  104. ..Kat..*

    Ugh. Working on taxes. Not nearly as far along as I should be. Trying to feel grateful that I have a job that necessitates my having to file taxes.

    1. Overeducated*

      My sympathies. Started mine at 10 PM last night and they’re a pain (not filed yet, want to check over when fully awake). I am at least grateful that mine are a little simpler than last year.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Barf!
      I did mine and was so relieved; I didn’t make enough via unemployment to get hit with a no-healthcare penalty and am actually getting a tiny bit back (sadly nothing even close to what I got last year). And for the first time in ever, I didn’t owe any state taxes either. I know I’m gonna get slammed for taking money out of my money market account, but I needed it to LIVE.

      I use FreeTaxUSA. It’s great. They e-file the fed for free and only charge $12.95 to file state, or you can just mail it yourself if you want. I found a coupon code online that saved me $1.30. :)

      1. Red Reader*

        It’s a little late now, but for future years, CreditKarma does fed and state efiles both fully free, no “if you made less than x” type restrictions.

    3. Not That Jane*

      Heh, you can also be grateful you’re not like me… I mailed our taxes this morning and bragged to my husband about it. He said, “Wait, didn’t I have to sign them?”

      Yeah. I totally forgot to sign them, or to have him sign them. Siiiiggggghhh. Handled everything else perfectly.

  105. nep*

    Recurring dreams. I think this has been covered here in the past.
    I keep having the dream that I missed a flight — or I’m about to. Along these lines (this was it last night) — It’s 1:10pm, I’m out and about and haven’t packed or checked out of hotel room, it’s a long drive to the airport, and my flight is at 2:30. Oddly last night, in the dream I had the thought: ‘Oh, wait — this is a dream and I can back up and have another dream that has me at the airport in plenty of time.’
    So weird.
    (Used to have the it’s-finals-time-and-I’ve-read-nothing-and-haven’t-been-to-class-all-semester dream quite a bit, but it’s been quite a long time.)

    1. Overeducated*

      Not recurring but I had a similar dream to yours the other night – I had left somewhere late at night, and *after* I got home and went to sleep I dreamed that I missed the last train at the transfer station and was stuck there in the dark. My dreams do not have cabs, I guess.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Auugh I have this dream all the time — I’m running through the airport and get lost somehow, or I get on the plane and forgot my suitcase and don’t have time to go back and get it. I think they’re anxiety dreams.

    3. Lulubell*

      I have that dream all the time, and it replaced the finals-after-missing-class-all-semester dream (though I still have that every once in a while). Classic anxiety dream. Mine doesn’t have exact times, it’s more like I know I need to get to the airport, but the Uber isn’t coming, so I try to call a cab but I can’t dial the right numbers on my phone, then the cab comes but gets lost, then I can’t find the terminal, etc. I have some version of this once a month or two, doesn’t have anything to do with whether I am actually traveling, it just seems to be how my anxiety manifests itself.

      1. nep*

        Similar issues in mine — so bizarre when can’t properly dial the phone. I’ve also been unable to find the terminal.
        I find this fascinating.

  106. Elkay*

    Any Discord and/or Twitch users here? I’ve just signed up for a Patreon which comes with Discord benefits. I also signed up for Twitch and linked my Amazon account. Other than my Amazon account all accounts were new over the last couple of days.

    Somehow Twitch and Discord seem to have connected without me doing anything, I don’t know how to find out if they’re actually connected.

    I don’t really understand Discord, I seem to be a member of a group which as lots of sub-chats in it but I can’t work out how to get notifications only from the chats I’m interested in.

    I feel horribly out of touch with technology!

    1. Lilith*

      If you right-click a channel on Discord, you should have an option to mute notifications!

      What do you mean by “connected”?

  107. Book Lover*

    My family has lots of allergies but my son is such an animal lover. I have told him we could get a non furry pet, and he is interested and truly excited but really primarily just sad that he can’t have a cat (we really really really can’t – three ashma sufferers in the house).

    I have tried to guide him towards a leopard gecko or crested that he could handle or a bearded dragon (more work but I am happy to make it happen if that is what he wants). Looked at chinchillas also but they are not completely allergen free, are crepuscular and I think generally like to have a friend around.

    Are there any options I am missing? I have looked at volunteering with him but that is really not the best option for his allergies and he wants his own pet in any case.

    1. Tort-ally Hare Brained*

      A beardie would be good, still not too much work and pretty cat like. For the chinchilla, you may see if your local pet store will let your family interact with one for a few minutes to see if anyone gets itchy eyes, red hands, etc. I’ve found most friends who have animal allergies have an inkling pretty quickly.

    2. hermit crab*

      I’ve heard that leopard geckos are great entry-level pets. I know a few people who are herp professionals – zookeepers, vets, etc. – and that is what they recommend to people who want a pet reptile. They definitely try to guide people toward leopard geckos instead of beardies. I’ve also heard good things about White’s tree frogs. Most of the popular herp pets live for 10+ years, though, so keep that in mind.

      Obviously I have a soft spot for them, but have you considered hermit crabs? They are engaging, social, easy to care for, and they have a very low “ick factor” so it’s easy to find people to watch them if you go away for a while. Speaking of the ick factor, though, I have mentioned here before that I have pet Madagascar hissing cockroaches and LOVE them. They are such fun little pets and obviously a cinch to take care of because, at the end of the day, they are still cockroaches. I’m always happy to talk about them if you want more information. (Or pictures. I am in the process of setting up an instagram for them. Just you watch, they are going to be famous.)

      1. hermit crab*

        Also, you have probably already considered this, but I will add my anecdata as a severely cat-allergic person who has no issues with bengal cats. My friends’ mom has two rescue bengals and when I went to visit my friends at their mom’s house for a few days, I came loaded for bear in terms of allergy meds – but did not need them. One of the cats decided he was going to sleep on my bed with me and I was still fine. Of course, the effects are different for everyone – that’s just my experience.

        1. Belle di Vedremo*

          Bengals are quite the handful, I wouldn’t start with them as a first pet. Lots get returned as too much to handle. They are so smart and can be great pets, but you have to be prepared to cope with their capacity.

    3. Nicole76*

      Would you consider rats (you’d need two since they are social animals)? They don’t tend to aggravate allergies, are furry, and actually enjoy human interaction (unlike hamsters who would rather be left alone). They can be litterbox trained to keep the cage clean and you can use fleece instead of wood chips which would help with allergies too. If it’s something you’d consider, I strongly suggest getting two babies from the same litter from a breeder or on Craigslist. Every rat I ever got from the pet store was in poor health (typically respiratory infections) and didn’t live as long. Also, I recommend Oxbow brand for their food, not Kaytee.

      Either way, I hope your son finds a pet he loves!

      1. Jen*

        I was going to suggest rats as well. They wouldn’t be my pet of choice but I don’t have allergies. They fall the hamster/guinea pig category of pet for me which is secondary to cats/dogs.

        I’ve met pet rats and they’re awesome. Trainable, enjoy people, etc. not at all icky.

        Also- how about a bird? I’m not a bird person but DH grewnup with and loved his!

        1. Book Lover*

          Allergic to feathers. I am not sure if different birds have different allergens? It was just a generic feather positive so not sure how comprehensive that is when it comes to pet birds.

    4. Anono-me*

      We have a beardie. It is very easy to take care of it. Ours is more affectionate than any snakes or other nocturnal lizards I have known.

      As with any reptile, the biggest firmmest thing to remember is good hygiene is a must. Otherwise people can get really sick.
      -No food around the lizard.
      -No lizards in the kitchen.
      -Good hand washing after ‘lizard time’.
      -No touching the face after touching the lizard or his stuff.

      We bought a reptile kit at first, but it got outgrown. Here is what we decided to do differently:

      The new base is huge tiles cut to fit for the cage base, as opposed to a weird fake grass carpet. We bought big slightly rough ceramic bathroom tile. They hold the heat better and make cleaning up so much easier. The mess can just be wiped up with a paper towel. Then spot cleaned with a wet paper towel. Once in a while we do a 100% cleaning, usually in conjunction with bath time (or a mess on a tile seam). The roughness of the tile also helps with the nail care.

      The new cage has very high solid glass sides, like a fish tank. The first one was special for reptiles with sliding glass doors and the crickets could get out through the gaps.

      We just found a dual heat and uv light that I like better than two separate lights.

      For food we do fruits and veggies (find a list online or at the pet store). We get crickets as needed from a very conveniently local pet store. (It is much less expensive to buy in bulk and keep a cricket aquarium, but it is more work and the noise is so annoying.)

      If you do decide on a beardie, please consider checking with your local pet rescue group or even on Craigslist, as beardies live a long time and many parents get them for middle school age kids, but don’t think about what will happen to the lizard when the kid graduates.

      1. Book Lover*

        Yes, the herp society said that we could adopt an adult – I guess we could put ourselves on a list. I was nervous about the number of crickets a baby eats. How many crickets does your adult eat?
        I would do a 60 gallon tank – we have a lot of space so I could keep it in the living room. I was worried about smells but I guess it is an issue of making sure everything stays clean and baths also….
        I would prefer he go for a gecko but a bearded is more pet like, I think, in terms of just being willing to hang out on you while you do homework and so on.
        All the reviews for everything are so negative, in terms of issues with the lights and so on. So that makes me anxious about what to buy. Well, he needs to decide what to do first.

        He would go nuts if we got a cat, but our allergies are so bad that it could be a catastrophe. (That is in regards to the Bengal thing….) I don’t think I could cope with rats or cockroaches….

        1. Anono-meAn*

          We typically buy 20 crickets at a time ($0.17 each) and do cricket feeding every 4 or 5 days. That is based on what our guy eats in one go. (You don’t want to leave crickets in the cage long term.) He has chopped veggies and or fruit in between. (He loves cauliflower.)

          FYI – I am grossed out by crickets. So if I need to do a cricket feeding(youth camping trip etc.), I bring the nutrient powder with me and the pet store puts it in with the crickets for me so they are ready to feed when I get home.

          I don’t know geckos. Our guy likes to sit on a shoulder or a chest. He also seems to pay attention to conversations and like to be talked to. It isn’t like a cat or dog, but he does seem to know and like us, I wasn’t expecting that from a lizard and maybe I am wrong, but I like to think we are more than warm sources of food.

          Also, the smell has not been a big issue. When he goes to the bathroom, it does smell. But with the tile, it is a quick two minute clean up with a food service disposable glove, a couple of paper towels, water, everything goes into a old plastic bag that gets tied up and tossed in the outside trash.

    5. Windchime*

      How about a guinea pig or two? They are furry but I don’t know how they are as far as allergies. They are very social and cute, and easy to take care of. I had one as a child for 4 or 5 years and she was lots of fun.

      1. Ron McDon*

        Or a pair of gerbils? No smell, awake during the day, very friendly and nosy, easy to look after, and they shred all your cardboard to build tunnels in their cage!

        2. fort hiss*

          I love gerbils, but saying they’re “no smell” is a stretch! My brother used to have loads of them, and his room still has a faint trace of the ripe cedar and gerbil musk when it’s hot, and that’s ten years later. Less smell, now, that I would agree with. Mice, rats, and ferrets are FUNKY by comparison.

        3. School Psych*

          I had a pair of gerbils when I was younger. I wouldn’t say there is no smell. They need to be cleaned pretty frequently and the litter has a distinct, but not bad smell when it is clean. They are also really loud at night, since they’re nocturnal, so you would want to put them in a room you are not sleeping in. I enjoyed my gerbils. They were social and curious, but they werern’t all that easy to take care of. They needed to be cleaned a lot and needed lots of exercise(wheel, exercise ball). They can also get territorial if you have 2 that are the same gender and if you have 2 that are different genders they will get along better, but might have babies. My gerbils had a litter and I wound up with 9 gerbils instead of just 2.

    6. Bus Stuff*

      Would a Sphynx work for you? It sounds like the primary issue is with hair, rather than a cat allergy. A sphynx wouldn’t have the hair issue. Of course this also assumes that cat litter wouldn’t be an asthma trigger (though they do make alternative sorts, shredded newspaper, corn husks, pellets, etc. rather than just the traditional clay clumping sort).

      Whatever pet you get, good luck and have fun!

      1. Book Lover*

        No, I come out in hives when cats lick me. The allergy to cats is usually saliva and dander, I think?
        But I understand that Rex, Sphynx, bengal, and one other (blanking on which one, gorgeous long hair though) are less allergenic. I looked at pictures of hairless cats with my son though and we are pretty negative about the idea. Bengals are beautiful but I need to find out how long before I would know if we were allergic, and see if we could do some exposure outside the house. I don’t want to have dander around for years to come if it turns out we are allergic.

  108. Anonymous C-sectioner*

    Anonymous for this one. I am 7 months pregnant with my second child. With my first, I was pretty go with the flow regarding labor and delivery plans. I didn’t ever imagine that I would have a c-section, but was open to just seeing what would happen with labor in terms of a birth plan (e.g. willing to try to do natural childbirth but not putting other options off the table). I knew I wanted to have my baby in the hospital (my sister had a very traumatic near death birth with my niece and I wanted to be close to a good NICU just in case), but other than that, I was open.

    So with my daughter, I legit just never went into labor at all. It was 41.5 weeks and there was NOTHING going on. I was completely closed and high. I think I only even had Braxton-Hicks once during the entire pregnancy. My doctors advised that we induce me because I had gestational diabetes and they were concerned baby could get too big. So we did induction, except it just flat didn’t work. It didn’t do anything. I never even had a contraction. After a certain amount of tries with a foley bulb (terrible, terrible, terrible experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone) and medication, they basically said that I had been on the medication too long and that it was becoming dangerous for baby and for me, so I had what I would call an urgent (not emergent?) c-section. The c-section was probably the easiest part of the whole thing. I never really imagined I would have to have a c-section, but it was fine. The recovery sucked, but it was what it was.

    So that brings to me to now. I’ve been talking to my doctor since the beginning about what this birth would be like. He has been extremely supportive of me and told me I could try for a VBAC and how we would do that, if I wanted, or that we could just do a panned c-section. He isn’t sure of my success with VBAC. Apparently I am still considered an unknown quantity since I never had a trial of labor with my first. He said it could be totally fine for VBAC or it just could not happen spontaneously again. I’d be interested to hear about anyone’s experience with this or if you made a decision to try for VBAC or were successful in a situation like mine.

    Note: People seem to get really hot about this issue, so please keep this about experiences and NOT a referendum on other people’s choices! Let’s not judge other people’s decisions here. Thanks!

    1. Forking Great Username*

      I read a lot of medical stuff when pregnant with my second because I wanted to try for a vbac. The general consensus among doctors seems to be that your odds of it are better if you have gone into labor naturally and progressed properly once it began. That was all true for me (my first was a c-section due to baby’s heart rate suddenly dropping super low when I was almost completely dilated). Of course, for you that might lower the odds…but certainly doesn’t mean it’s impossible! Even though I fell on the better side of that prediction I ended up with a c-section again – this time because of preeclampsia, so labor wasn’t even attempted since it’s not recommended that you induce for a vbac.

      If I was in your shoes, I’d probably just wait and see if I went into labor on my own and attempt the vbac if you do, and if you don’t end up going into labor naturally, then have another c-section.

      1. Anonymous C-sectioner*

        Thanks so much. I really appreciate you sharing your story! That’s sort of been the thinking, but since they still have you schedule the c-section even if trying for the v-bac, I guess I’m not sure when I would do that. Basically they’ve said I can schedule anytime between 39 and 41 weeks, so it would be as late as possible if I want to try for VBAC or earlier if I don’t.

    2. It’s all good*

      Congrats! Because I was in my 40’s my insurance would not pay for VBAC (too risky) so I had to have another C section. I hope goes well with you in either case.

      2. CBE*

        This enrages me. VBAC is actually *cheaper* than surgery. And your insurance company and $$$$ should not limit your choices about your body and force you into surgery. (Speaking of the generic “you” here. Nobody should be told “you *must* have surgery because the insurance company wants more profit.” Period.)
        Our health care system is messed up.

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      My first child was c-section at 34 weeks, no labor- the decision to deliver was because of an IUGR (thought to be a fibroid, though later chalked up to having a bicornate uterus). Basically I went I for a regular check up and next thing I know, I was sent to the hospital for monitoring and thirty minutes later we were scrubbing up. I had a pretty easy recovery, no complications.
      With my second, I did have a VBAC. The conversations with my doctors kind of went like this:
      “Do you want to schedule another C-section?”
      “What do you think?”
      “You’re an ideal candidate- you’re healthy, the baby’s healthy. Everything is going well.”
      “Hmmm… When do I have to decide?”
      “Well, you have some time. Or the baby will eventually decide for you.”
      “Ok. I’ll just wait it out and see what he does.”
      I had this same conversation like three times. We did eventually schedule a c-section for 41 weeks because one of my OBs had had experience of c-section scars rupturing during labor, especially with overdue babies, and their practice also does not induce when you’ve had a previous c-section. In the end, my son decided at 39 weeks that he was done cooking and I went into labor . Labor was really fast and confusing (and oh my God painful), but recovery was much much easier.

      (In contrast- my sister in law, scheduled a repeat c-section with her second kid because she wanted the predictability and familiarity of having the same birth experience. Of course then she went into labor at 37 weeks- she had to insist on the C-section then. She had just moved to the Netherlands and I guess they are not a quick to do them as they are here in the US)

    4. HannahS*

      I was a VBAC myself; my older sib was an emergency c-section, I think because labour was just progressing too slowly and there were concerns? Something like that. Anyway, about four years later I was a typical, straightforward, fairly easy (well, I mean, for childbirth, which is never easy) vaginal birth. In hospital, of course. I don’t know more details than that though–I wasn’t really aware lol.

    5. Jen*

      I’m 7 months pregnant with my 3rd! Hello!

      My first came naturally the day of her scheduled induction, at 41+6. I was 4cm dialated for like a week, though.

      My second was induced because I was 2cm for 2-3 weeks and it was 41+6 and there were no labor signs. However, once I was hooked up to the drugs she came super fast. As if she was just waiting for someone to open the door.

      My 3rd is a summer baby and I plan to schedule an induction for the Friday after her due date (I assume I’ll go late again!). Not gonna hang out for 2 extra weeks in the summer.

      For the VBAC, what are the cons of trying? Can you schedule an induction or c section for 41 weeks or so, to give your body time to go into labor naturally if it wants?

      Or, if there are risks to waiting, just go for the c section. If you had a good-enough experience last time, are there benefits tonhave it scheduled?

      What is your family history re: birth? My 2 were super late and large babies, but it was no shock since my siblings and I were 3 weeks, 1.5 weeks and 6 days Late respectively, and all over 9 lbs.

      1. Anonymous C-sectioner*

        Thanks so much for sharing. So they won’t induce me because the risk of uterine rupture is too high. Family history isn’t so great for having a good labor. My mom had a 36 hour surgical labor with my sister and needed to be induced for me. My sister had a really really bad time with my niece who was extremely premature and then had to have a c-section with her second because she had a vertical incision and you just can’t labor with a vertical incision. So not the greatest family history going for me!

        So as for me, I could schedule it at 41 weeks, but based on my past experience I’m just not sure if I want to do that. Since I didn’t go into labor even well past 41 weeks with my first. The husband actually took off starting at 39 weeks so he will be around just in case, but the longer I wait, the less time he will be home with me and baby. The thing is, I guess I am really just thinking maybe cynically that I will never go into labor with baby just like I never did with my first so I’m just prolonging the inevitable for no good reason!

        The other thing that has made me nervous is that apparently the worst possible outcome would be to go into labor but have to have an emergency c-section which would up the chances of uterine rupture. It’s hard to say what to do because everyone has had such different experiences.

        1. meow*

          I am a medical student who will be starting my ob/gyn residency in just a few months, so ok fund of knowledge about obstetrics, limited knowledge of patient experiences, no personal experience. :) I hope you find this helpful.

          Pro of (successful) VBAC:
          -avoiding c-section and associated risks
          -getting to experience vaginal birth

          Con of trying VBAC:
          -Potential of uterine rupture (low chance of it happening, but would be super bad if it did)
          -May need emergency c-section, which is less ideal than a planned C-section because it usually implies it is being done in response to something going wrong, which already is more dangerous
          -May also just end up failing and needing a non-emergency C-section

          To clarify, the emergency c-section would not itself increase the chance of uterine rupture. Having a previous incision on the uterus is what puts you at increased risk of rupture, and if rupture did occur it would be an emergency and you would need an emergency c-section to save the baby.

          With your personal history of never going into labor even after 41 weeks and induction I would also not be super sure of your chances of achieving VBAC. Obviously each person and baby is different, but this is something not in your favor. Since you can’t be induced this go around, you would have to wait and see if labor happens naturally for you and this is unfortunately something we can’t predict.

          Also, how important is having a vaginal birth? For some women this is super super important and they really want to try to have one. For others, and it kind of sounds like you may be in this category, they don’t really care that much. You need to decide how important this is and if you want to wait to see if labor will happen.

          Also your statement about prolonging the inevitable may also be true! You may wait and wait and then end up needing the section anyway. Another factor to consider is also whether you enjoy being pregnant (or maybe tolerate is a better word..)—there are some women who are just over it and say “get this baby out of me!” If this is you, it may be worth it for you to have the planned section at 39 weeks.

          Also also, what are your thoughts about having more kids? If you want to have more kids, the more c-sections you have, the higher the risks are for things like abnormal placenta growth in future pregnancies and uterine rupture. If you desperately want to have, say, more than one more kid, I would advise you to try to avoid the section if possible, though of course you could theoretically just have a section every time and things will likely be fine. If you’re done after this kid, this is less of a concern.

          1. CBE*

            Definitely don’t forget the implications for any future pregnancies. Those should definitely be considered and disclosed when discussing VBAC, as the risks for miscarriage, stillbirth and accreta are all much higher with multiple cesareans than they are with one cesarean.

          2. Anonymous C-sectioner*

            Appreciate it! I’m not really looking for medical advice, really just personal experiences. I’ve got excellent care and my husband’s a doctor so I am all set with that.

    6. TiffIf*

      I think it just really depends on how your pregnancy/labor/delivery is going. I’d say listen to your body and listen to the doctor.

      My mother had C-sections for children 1 and 3 and vaginal delivery for 2, 4, and 5. This was in the 80’s in rural Arkansas.

  109. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I was reading a post about gifts and love languages on captain awkward and had a realisation that… I actually don’t want any of those things from my mother at all.

    So that’s weird.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I have not read the post you are talking about, but mother/daughter relationships can be very weird and encumbered. I ended up not wanting anything from my mother. But I can see how different people would require different parenting approaches and want different things/nothing/way too much from a parent. How a parent could be 100% aware of all this, is beyond me.

    2. Kir Royale*

      Topically related to the mansplaining podcast, I was momsplained my entire life. She takes to explaining scientific breakthroughs to me, in the field which I’m pursuing a PhD. She has a high school diploma. I refuse to mollify her educational regrets, and I mostly want her to leave me alone.

  110. large meetups*

    There is meetup here that is focused on going to museums. I’m super interested but typically over 50 people say they’ll be going. Even with some people not showing up, that’s a lot of people (I think there are some penalties if you’re a no-show). Has anyone gone to such a large meetups? I fear I will just basically be wondering on my own, because we can’t really stick together in such a large group and there doesn’t seem to be a guide or something (even guided tours are capped much lower usually). If I’m going to be on my own, I’d rather know that I’ll be on my own if that makes sense.

    1. Rogue*

      Where is “here”? I’m in my early 30s and totally love stuff like that. I used to go to a local anthropological society meeting and of the 50+ attendees, I was definitely the youngest; at the time, I was in my 20s. I travel a lot for my SOs work and usually end up doing stuff by myself.

      1. large meetups*

        It’s in a big city :) I do stuff on my own all the time and don’t mind it. I go to lectures and such, also large audiences. My main purpose for the meetup is to meet others. I actually do often strike conversations with other people in those other venues but I don’t usually go there looking to meet others per se but to hear whatever. This feels different, maybe because I can go to a museum any old time, whereas a lecture is more a one time thing.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      In my experience with meetups in a mid-sized city, probably about half to two-thirds of the people who say they’re coming or interested don’t show up. The first group I ever tried here had over a hundred members but every time we got together, we usually had around 15 people, tops. I disliked that it was always different people — I wanted a group I could get to know — so I stopped going to it. Not long after, I found my Doctor Who group. We often have new people join, especially during and after a con, but then they never show up to a meeting.

  111. Sort of regular going anon*

    My father died earlier this year and everyone is taking it hard. We found out my sister has been seeing a therapist to talk and say things and complaints she can’t say to us. She lives with our mother and put off moving out after college because of what happened with our dad. Our father’s mother lives with them too. Our mother is not perfect. But she is devastated and wracked with guilt after finding out about my sister. I just don’t understand why my sister has to do stuff like this. My mother is so upset that my sister feels this way and it’s the last thing anyone needs. Sigh. Just venting here

    1. Fiennes*

      I don’t see that your sister is doing anything wrong here. She’s talking to a counselor, which many people find helpful in a time of grief. Your mother, and you, have your own sorrow to deal with; there’s a lot of value in being able to talk to an objective third party, and besides, your sister may want to avoid burdening those around her.

      Unless there’s something else to this you haven’t written about, I’d urge you (and your mom) to realign your thoughts on this. Your sister is practicing self-care. That’s not something mean she’s doing to your mom or to you. That’s responsible, mature behavior. Try to take a step back and accept that she’s doing what’s best for her. I think it’s also worth asking yourself why this would feel like a betrayal when it isn’t.

      1. caledonia*

        I agree with Fiennes.

        Also, you might find it helpful to talk to a therapist as to why you feel this way about your sister who is doing a perfectly natural thing.

      2. Kj*

        Co-signed. Seriously, she is talking to a therapist so she has space for her own feelings. Likely, some of them are positive about family, some are negative, some are neither. Therapy is not about blaming- it is about coming to a better understanding and often, better acceptance of what has happened. It is finding new ways to relate to others. It is finding peace and happiness. It is not done AT anyone. OP, why does this bother you so? And how do you know what your sister says in therapy?

    2. fposte*

      I’m with Fiennes–your sister seems to be doing a reasonable thing, and if your mother is this upset about it it suggests that it wouldn’t hurt for your mother to follow in your sister’s footsteps with counseling. It’s not healthy for your sister to avoid seeking professional assistance just because your mother might get upset; that can’t be people’s main goal in life.

    3. Sylvan*

      Sorry, but I think I’m with the other commenters on this. What’s wrong with wanting to vent or talk things over with neutral people? You’re doing that right now by talking to us instead of your family.

      Besides, sometimes grief and the events around a family member’s death are… ugly. We have thoughts and feelings that we know wouldn’t be best to share with everyone else who’s grieving. Sometimes it’s good to talk to someone impartial so we can really let it all out.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I am confused at why anyone is taking offense at a daughter grieving the loss of her father is seeking professional help.

        Of course there are topics that she would want to talk about that would be better served working out with a therapist.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Grief has a way of bringing many complaints and stories to the surface. I can almost promise you that your sis talks about your mom MAYBE 15% of the time. IF that. Grief is a sorting process, we take our memories and knowledge and reconfigure everything.

      I don’t know why your mom is taking this so personally. I do know that sometimes people push their own grief to one side and worry about other things. Perhaps your mom is using worry over your sis to push aside processing her own sadness?

      If you would like evidence of how many people wrestle with grief look at the huge number of books on grief out there now. It’s incredible. Maybe your mom could find one that she would like to read. These books are usually very comforting. Before I tried one I thought it would do nothing but upset me. That is not the case.

      FWIW, many people out there have been to counseling and of those folks many have gone because of grief. I have gone twice in my life. I have to say that my father’s death motivated me to go the second time. It could be because he was my father. Or it could be because he was my last parent. I suspect it was actually numerous reasons including my sorrow regarding how HARD his life was. Conflictingly, I knew that others had harder lives. So I had a lot to sort.

      I am sorry for your loss. I hope I can encourage you and your mom to invest in your own self-care, in whatever way you may need to invest.

    5. Kay*

      You and your mom both sound like narcissists. You won’t let your sister talk to either of you. So she finds a therapist to talk to and now it’s all about your mom and how it makes her look bad. What is she supposed to do, keep everything bottled inside? Both of you need to lay off the guilt trip and take a good look in the mirror. If your mom is that worried about being talked about to a stranger it means she probably isn’t proud of her behavior.

    6. CBE*

      Let’s get this straight:
      She’s seeing a therapist. A professional. To work through her grief. Because she needs to talk over things without worry of how her family might be hurt by her processing them.
      She’s not gossiping to friends and other family members about these things. She’s seeking this help privately. You “found out” about it, which means she intended to keep it personal.
      You and your mother think she’s doing it TO you or AT you?
      Wrong.
      She’s handling her grief and her struggles privately and professionally, and took steps to ensure it didn’t become drama.
      That’s nothing that should offend you. Nothing for your mother to be guilty about. It’s a healthy adult way of working through things. It’s the FIRST thing your sister needs. Let her take care of herself without adding to her stress.
      Talking to a therapist can be super helpful. You might consider it yourself as you’re dealing with grief and family drama. It’s been a lifesaver for me.

    7. Mananana*

      Add me to the ones who applaud your sister for getting help to work through her grief. I’ll assume she’s not going to therapy to spite you or your mom, so I can’t understand the frustration/animosity/annoyance directed at her. If this is your reaction to her going to therapy I can understand why she can’t talk to you and your mom.

    8. LilySparrow*

      Grief is hard. Everybody who loses someone is entitled to have complicated, difficult, even ugly feelings about it.

      One of the big emotional stages in grief is anger.

      Taking out your anger on the people you love who are also grieving = not good, unkind, makes more pain and damage in the relationship.

      Going to a professional to vent & work through your anger & other feelings in a safe space that doesn’t hurt the listener = good, kind, healthy & thoughtful.

      It’s possible your anger & sense of betrayal at your sister over this is being driven by your own grief. Some counseling would probably help, because to an outside observer this seems like a totally irrational thing to get angry about.

    9. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Okay so. I agree with everyone else who’s commented. But…I can also see why you and your mom feel this way.

      Like, my therapist has joked to me that she thinks that everyone should have a therapist (I tell her that she has a bias), but there’s still a stigma about seeking out therapy. Usually if you’re at that point, there is something going wrong – and if your family is the kind to be stoic, I can see why your mom is so crushed about your sister.

      That doesn’t mean she’s right, or that you’re right. For starters, it’s not just your father that just passed away – it’s your sister’s as well. So she probably has her own grief to work through and if she needs a professional – that’s her business.

      Second, how do you know what she’s saying in session? That’s a huge violation of her privacy if you know what she’s talking about with her therapist – and if you don’t, you’re just assuming.

      Hopefully, you and your family can learn to accept this, and maybe even do a family session.

    10. You cannot be serious*

      Wow.

      Your sister sounds like a smart woman, and your mother sounds horribly selfish. Your sister is allowed to take care of her own mental health, and given your mother’s behaviour and your attitude here, I can see why she’d need therapy!

      All my sympathy here is for your sister. I hope she can move out, continue getting therapy, and have the life she deserves soon.

  112. nep*

    Do you eat honey? How do you use it?
    Honey: Good or bad for you? (I know — all things in moderation, and not useful to call a food ‘good’ or ‘bad’…but would be interested in people’s thoughts, experiences with honey.)

    1. HannahS*

      Rarely. When I have sweetener in my tea, I don’t want the added flavour of the honey and I stick with sugar. I’d put honey on buttered toast, but I find it honey a bit cloying in the morning–I don’t really use jam or syrup either. I make a marvelous honey cake (if I may say so myself) for Rosh Hashanah that uses up a ton of honey (and anise and fennel and cloves and cinnamon, mmmmm). But I find one little plastic bottle of honey will last a year or two. I’ve heard that eating local raw honey that has pollen in it can be helpful to people with seasonal allergies, but I outgrew my seasonal allergies so I never bothered to investigate that claim. All that said, I love bees, and I do like honey, I just don’t find reasons to eat it very often. Especially as where I live, maple syrup reigns and is the first to go on pancakes and in oatmeal.

    3. fposte*

      I love honey. Moon Shine Trading Company is my favorite for getting different varieties, though I like trying other ones as well. I’ll eat it in yogurt pretty much daily, but it’s also good spread on cheese over crispbread.

    4. Sylvan*

      I love honey, but I don’t buy it because I inevitably find myself just eating a spoonful of it!

      I made a sugar scrub with a little bit of honey, lavender, vanilla, and coconut oil that smelled like lavender shortbread cookies. Amazing.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I very seldom use it. I try to stay away from refined sugar so I chow on fruit. Sigh, all I have done is swap types of sugars. I need to eat other things, such as some sour stuff, spicy stuff etc. Skipping honey is an easy one for me, so I get a small sense of accomplishment by skipping it.

      Growing up I was given honey for an upset stomach. That came after the spirit of peppermint. And that duo worked.
      Later in adulthood, I was using agave syrup as a sweetener for a while for a while. I enjoyed that way too much. I have also grown and processed my own stevia. You have to like licorice flavor for that one.

    7. TiffIf*

      I didn’t grow up eating honey so I’ve never really liked just plain honey (like on toast or whatever) but I do like to use it in baking. Honey can give some baked goods a slightly different flavor over regular sugar.

    8. Nom De Plume*

      Honey is bee slavery! (No, really, I feel terrible when I eat honey – they labour so hard for it!) :(

    9. Not That Jane*

      We used to keep bees, actually, so we almost always had a LOT of honey to use up and give away. I’ve used it for:
      – baking apple crisps
      – putting in tea or coffee
      – peanut butter & honey sandwiches
      – pouring a bit on yogurt for a healthy dessert

    10. heckofabecca*

      I use honey when making my honey-balsamic vinaigrette (thick, sweet dressing; great with salads ft. sliced apples/cranberries/etc) and for Rosh Hashanah, when we traditionally put honey on apples (for a sweet new year) and on challah instead of salt. So… not that often XD I do use honey-flavored cough drops sometimes, though Ricola has won me over.

      I love bees and I think honey is a great thing, but I love the honey ideal more than the taste in general. YMMV

      1. nep*

        At Christmas dinner we cut up one apple and each person eats a piece — with honey spread on it. Tradition from my dad’s side of the family.

    11. Middle School Teacher*

      I cook with it a lot. I make a lot of Asian-inspired sauces and they often call for honey. I also like it in my tea.

      1. Ellie*

        Somehow, someway, my husband and I become such honey connoisseurs that we have opinions on the flavors produced when bees get pollen from different flowers ~ we discuss exactly what flavor to get next and end up buying the, um, ‘larger’ containers …. peanut butter and honey on bread, English muffins, or toast…. in tea …. yogurt …. fruit …. apparently, he’ll dip a grilled cheese sandwich in honey, but I haven’t gotten that far yet.

  113. I'm A Little TeaPot*

    I got to visit my friends and their new baby today! Just stayed for a little while, but it was totally worth it. Baby girl is 3 weeks old and thus far is a very easy baby. Mom had to have a c-section, but is doing quite well now.

  114. Anon. for Venting*

    I just need to put this out there: Spouse will celebrate Major Milestone Birthday this December, causing my in-laws to descend on our house for an extended joint celebration of MM Birthday and Christmas. 8 months to go and I’m ready to start the heavy “coping with in-laws” drinking already, just thinking about it.

    Not asking for advice, just had to mention it.

    2. ..Kat..*

      I recommend telling them to book their hotel rooms early. And start reading Captain Awkward, especially the sections about families and family visiting you. I believe a white wine goes better with in laws.

Comments are closed.