weekend free-for-all – June 16-17, 2018

by Alison Green on June 16, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Mars Room, by Rachel Kushner, about a woman serving two life sentences in prison, how she got there, and how she survives. I was riveted from the first page, and it stays with you.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,295 comments }

{ 1,295 comments… read them below }

  1. Retirement Saving Fears*

    I’m wondering if I can get advice about navigating being an older adult with minimal retirement savings who’s playing catch-up. For reasons that I won’t go into here, at age 60 I have only mid-five figures saved for my retirement. For the first time in my life, I’ve had a decent salary in the last couple of years and I’m pouring as much as I can into my employer matching 401(k) account. I live frugally and I have plans to move to a less expensive area, a place I’m actually looking forward to being, once I retire. But I anticipate working until I’m 70 for financial reasons, so that won’t be happening soon.

    I’m a renter. My landlord has been generous and I’m paying far below market rater in a very expensive market, but if I have to move for some reason, my cost of living will skyrocket. I’m committed to staying in this area because of an aging parent and seeking a new job in my 60s in a new area doesn’t seem like a good plan anyway.

    My challenge is that I see this financial cliff coming, even with my plan in place now and getting professional financial advice. I know my situation is a common one in the US these days. I’m at the age when my siblings and friends are winding down their careers, which isn’t an option for me. I could use advice on how not to let my financial concerns about the future eat at me in the present so I’m not worrying about this stuff that’s in the future now, in the present.

    1. Retirement Saving Fears*

      I will add that I’m fortunate to have a career I love, so it’s not like I’m forcing myself to go to work every day. I’m grateful for that.

    2. Lady Jay*

      You mention professional financial advice, so perhaps you’ve already done this but: You can usually talk to a financial planner for free, and they’re usually able to help you figure out a good way to get the most out of your income and financial situation as possible. You may need to shop around for “fit” (I talked to 2-3 before I found a direction I was happy with), though.

      You also may want to look into seeing a counselor, if only for a limited range of sessions (3-6) in order to save money. I’ve been seeing one in regards to anxiety caused by a major life change, and my decisions around that; and I’ve found that her conversations are helpful in pinpointing problematic thought patterns that cause anxiety. Likewise, a therapist may be able to give you sound psychological advice about tools you can use to minimize anxiety during this time. Requisite note that although counseling is not financially workable for everyone, there are ways to find inexpensive therapy, including the sliding scales many clinics offer and practice hours for therapists in training.

      1. Retirement Saving Fears*

        I have seen an excellent and affordable therapist in the past but it’s been a long time. This is a good reminder to reconnect to get some tools to minimize my anxiety. Thank you.

    3. Tennessee*

      I can’t speak to your questions about how to not let this eat at you. But when I’m faced with something like this, it comforts me to feel like I’ve done my homework so here are some links at Bogleheads to get you started; browse the site for info. My husband loves this site and it’s really helped us get on track. It’s an investment advice site, but not exclusively. They cover lots of financial and related life topics.
      First, go to https://www.bogleheads.org/
      start with https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Getting_started
      then “Overcoming a Late Start to Saving for Retirement” https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=206093
      and this one tells you how to ask questions “Asking Portfolio Questions”: https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=6212

      Good luck!

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      First, good for recognizing the issue and taking steps to address it. You are better off than a lot of people, just for that. You’re saving, also do what you can to reduce your expenses. Reduce food waste, optimize bills or cancel things you don’t need/use (I’m looking at you, gym membership that hasn’t been used in 6 months!), don’t buy extra stuff that you don’t need, when you do need something buy it as efficiently (cheaply) as you can. You will be in much better shape if you spend $30k a year vs $50k.

      Don’t assume you can’t move. A lot can happen in 10 years. When your parent passes away (sorry, but it’s a fact of life), that reason to stay in the area will be gone. It might make the most sense for you to move to a LCOL area when you retire.

      Re the anxiety – answer it with “but I’m doing what I can, worrying is only going to make it harder”. But the more you’re able to do, the easier it’ll be for you to face the future.

    5. Nerdgal*

      Have you looked in to what your eventual social security benefit will be? You can do this at ssa.gov if you haven’t done so already. Knowing this might help you do some planning. If you max out your 401k for ten years, added to what you’ve already saved, you might have somewhere in the $300k range in ten years. Combined with SS,you might be in decent shape. Having some specific dollar estimates might help alleviate anxiety.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Similar idea here. I am pushing 60 and will work until the day I die. This is because of paying off medical debt.
      Some random thoughts:

      We lose the present when we are preoccupied with the future. This is a little more serious than it sounds. See, opportunities could be right in front of us and we are so focused on the horizon line that we do not see what is a few yards away from our feet.

      One of my fav aunts had a thing she would say. “If we know there will be a problem in the future then we have been gifted time to figure out how to minimize or perhaps eliminate the impact of the problem.” It’s the stuff that blindsides us that is really scary. You’re not getting blindsided here, you are preparing with everything you can.

      Some amount of self-help gives us some amount of benefit. It’s not an all or nothing thing. More self-help gives us more benefit and so on. We don’t know what the future holds and we have no way of knowing how we will just happen to have the right thing or be in the right place at the right time. We have no idea how our habits now will create an opportunity for us later on. Never underestimate the power of life sustaining habits.

      Friends will bail us, if we let them. And by bailing us I mean with their advice. The tricky part is to pick people who we respect/value and we see they are indeed managing their own setting. My friends cued me in on getting a refi. I was able to knock my mortgage back by 55%. More recently, a friend got hit with a very high insurance bill for his vehicles. I helped him get that bill reduced by 50%. Watch for these pearls of advice as you go along and make it a life habit to watch. There is a back and forth on this advice giving stuff.

      And I have a sad but true story. There was an elderly woman in my life who made it a life habit to be totally penny pinching. When she reached a very old age she received an inheritance of 7 digits. By then her mind was so set on penny pinching she never understood that she had a net worth of 7 digits.

      It was the same as if the money was not there.

      This is mind-boggling stuff. She was rich but she knew for a fact that she was poor. In her mind she died poor. Wealth is not just about money. It’s about mind set. You are wise to look for ways to break that anxiety now rather than letting it eat away at you. If need be keep a running journal of things you are grateful for and the non-monetary ways you are wealthy. You mention things in your post here. Keep going on that list. Not all assets lie in our bank accounts. Know your non-monetary assets and look for ways to leverage those assets. If your mind is busy thinking about things like this it is not feeding the anxiety monster during that same time.

      1. Retirement Saving Fears*

        Good suggestion to dialogue with people who have suggestions for reducing expenses. I haven’t talked about this stuff much because I’ve been embarrassed about it, but you’re right that it’s good to get the input of people who can help by sharing their experiences.

        That is such a sad story about the elderly woman in your life. Great advice about the anxiety monster. It’s time to give that some attention and revive my mindfulness practice. Thank you.

        1. Whatsinaname*

          Don’t be embarrassed to talk about it. A lot of people are in the same boat. I got laid off when I was 47 and that was the best thing that could have happened. I was making good money but not saving anything, never even thinking about my retirement. The lay-off was my wake up call. At that point in time I was working in Europe and with the wrongful termination settlement that the company had to pay me, I moved back to the US and started looking for a job that would provide a pension, which thankfully I found. I also started to actively and aggressively manage my career to maximize my earnings and have money to save and invest for retirement. We decided to do without fancy phone and cable packages and use coupons whenever available. We save about 10% annually on our food bill and 40-50% on drug store items. My husband and I car share and the ‘new’ car we bought was a year old when we bought it. Instead of buying books and magazines we use the library. When we go out to eat, we go at lunch time. We buy all of our clothes on sale. There are certain things I won’t compromise on such as the quality of food, I don’t buy used clothing, that’s just a personal hang-up of mine, and we do spend money on traveling. For a while, I tracked everything we spent and looked for ways to reduce the cost. I calculated our bottom line fixed costs to figure out what we absolutely needed for retirement so we could work toward that goal.
          I also started to actively manage our money and invested in a mix of stocks, bonds and CDs. It took us nine years to accumulate a quarter of a million dollars. Which is nowhere near the much touted million dollar but way more than we would have had had I continued to stick my head in the sand, which is where my husband’s head is when it comes to planning for retirement. So, don’t give up. Start tracking your spending, start saving and make yourself smart on making the money work for you.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Seconding the advice about embarrassment. Shedding that whole concept was the best move for me, as doors flew open. Advice came in from a variety of sources.
            Chose people wisely, not everyone is up to these conversations. Realize, also, that you probably have your own suggestions for people, but you never realized they would be interested in that type of help.
            My friend had no idea that I could help with the car insurance like that. We’ve known each other for years. The topic just never came up until one day the insurance bill caused him to express extreme frustration. We don’t have to wait until we are extremely frustrated.
            The house refi was a whole different set of circumstances which included me being afraid to check it out. In this instance I had to deliberately decide to allow my friends to console/help me in order to move through my fears.

            The best pearl of wisdom I was told is to accept advice regarding small savings on ordinary things. Make it a habit. This is about the habit, not about the $3 you saved on carrots this week. The advice goes if we make it our habit to accept these smaller tidbits of advice, we begin to notice/use larger pieces of advice that DO impact us in a strong positive way.

            1. Retirement Saving Fears*

              Whatsinaname and Not So New Reader, this is helpful and I’m taking it to heart. I have recently dipped my toe into talking about my financial situation with people I trust, and it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. Reading your responses, I’m thinking I let my discomfort about sharing my situation with my siblings and parent become universal, so I wasn’t sharing with anyone. It’s really helping to post this here and open the door to everything. That definitely is reducing the power of the fear. Thanks for the concrete info.

    7. Miles*

      You might find some useful resources at https://www.reddit.com/r/financialindependence

      It’s actually a community of younger people, many of whom are trying to retire early or at least be ready for retirement so they can have a less stressful experience (as they see it) at work. Your timetable is similar to what many of them are going for and they have a wiki with a lot of good information you can use to plan or discuss with your financial adviser

    8. MindoverMoneyChick*

      I second Nergal about finding out your eventual social security benefit. What I advise client in that situation is to see what you would have to live on using just social security and trying to get your regular expenses as close to being in line with that as you can. You can do this over a period of years so that you aren’t cutting back on lifestyle all at once. (and I do realize that if you are in a HCOLA area, options may be limited, but look at everything you can find). Try to look at it as a fun challenge as much as possible. that’s much easier if you do it now when you know you have a salary to fall back on.

      As you do that you will be able to save more money which is great, but the more important thing is you will find ways to be able to live within what you have. You will start to feel a lot more in control and less afraid. Then the extra saved is for the unpredictables life will throw at you. And of course keep working as long as you can. That will be the number one variable for you in impacting your security long terms.

      1. Retirement Saving Fears*

        I like this shift in attitude, to make it a fun challenge to see how much more cheaply I can live. I think I’ve got a good head start–drive a car that’s paid for, shop at thrift stores, don’t buy a lot of stuff in general–but I’m sure there are other things I can cut back on even in the expensive area I live in. Thanks for the suggestions.

    9. Retirement Saving Fears*

      First, thanks to you all for such detailed and excellent advice! I really appreciate the encouragement. I think naming it and sharing my concern takes a lot of power away from the anxiety I was feeling.

      A few things in response to comments here. Yes, I’m already planning to move away from my expensive area when I retire. I’m actually looking forward to living somewhere less urban and I’ve narrowed my options down to a few locations where I think I’d be happy. As long as my rent is cheap where I am while I’m making a high salary, staying where I am–even beyond the eventual loss of my aging parent–makes sense. I’m taking in the feedback that I clearly need to let go of being fearful about losing my affordable place, since all is well right now.

      My previous conversation with a financial advisor was a perk through a former job, who reviewed my then lower salary and the corresponding minimal rate of saving. It was basically forecasting. This thread is making me realize that I’ve hung on to the alarm I had then, when in fact I’m now making a higher salary and saving a lot more.

      I looked at the Social Security calculator, which is helpful and reassuring. I will check out the other recommended links. I’ve also learned that my credit union offers free financial planning, so I’m going to make an appointment with an advisor there.

      While I’m responding to some of the comments individually, I want to emphasize that I’m appreciating every single one. All of the feedback is helpful. And it’s so true that in the moment, I’m actually fine and being anxious just undermines being in the present. None of us has a crystal ball about the future. I’m realizing that I’ve fallen away from my mindfulness practice, and returning to it would be helpful.

      Thank you all so much!

    10. Hannah*

      I am not yet at the life stage you are, but I have a low-ish salary in a very HCOL area. Like you, I am lucky that I have below-market apartment (or else I would have to have roommates), but one thing that really has helped me to feel free from financial pressures is to have a VERY specific budget. Decide what amount you are comfortable spending each month, and then spend that without guilt. For me, I would flip-flop from not allowing myself to spend anything (and missing out on stuff like spending time with friends, or enjoying life at all), to saying “screw it!” and spending without looking at my bank account. Neither way is very good. When I sat down and made a budget, I put a little bit aside for “fun” things so I didn’t always have to feel like I could never ever have anything. Now, I can spend that amount, and know it is within my budget and it exists within my broader plan to live frugally. Since doing that, I’ve saved SO much more than I had been saving before (which was hardly anything). In the past six years, I’ve saved up one and a half times my current salary, and I also managed to take several nice trips without thinking “I really shouldn’t be spending this!”

      It is important to save for retirement, but it is also important to enjoy today.

    11. voyager1*

      One thing that can help a lot is going car free esp if you live somewhere with decent mass transit. Replacing a car with a good older touring style bicycle can save a ton of money. Insurance, gas and maintenance of a car really adds up.

      1. Retirement Saving Fears*

        Yes, that would save a lot of money. For many years, I never had a car and in fact didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 40. There is good mass transit nearby but unfortunately not always accessible in my area. I do use it when I can.

        At Old Job, I often took a commuter bus instead of driving. I had to seriously consider whether I could accept my current job because it’s only accessible by car and heading the other direction from commute traffic. It’s about 30 miles each way so that gets pricy, but at least it’s quick highway driving opposite the flow of traffic. In the end, I decided to take the position because it’s an amazing job and I got a huge raise.

        Thanks for the suggestion, much appreciated.

    12. Logan*

      I really enjoy this resource for financial planning advice:
      http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/index.html

      Most of it is about dealing with debt, but she also talks about planning and retirement. She has books and paid options, but most of what you need can be found in her blog, and Resources -> interactive budget tool (she even says that everything is free but some people need to pay for things, and the books are more organised than a blog).

      She isn’t US, so while some parts may be useful… it might not be as useful to you as to me.

    13. Max from St. Mary's*

      I’m pretty much in the same place, and the one thing that’s helped my attitude is that, like you, I have a job I generally enjoy and (importantly) isn’t physically stressful so I can work into my 70s, which is my financial reality.

    14. NDQ*

      I had your concerns about five years ago. My decision was to start buying rental property and other passive assets while still working a full-time job. I’ve learned to live on half my income and I’m on track to retire in 4-5 years when the rental income will cover all my expenses. Read Mr. Money Mustache if you want inspiration.

      NDQ

  2. Neela*

    Can we talk about skin care? Has anyone used the Sunday Riley Good Genes serum and is it worth the price? I’m tempted to get it but it’s soooo expensive. Are there any better priced dupes?

    1. Claire*

      I found the Sunday Riley Good Genes to be effective very quickly (like I could see a difference overnight!), but I just couldn’t take the stinging it caused. My skin got so red and the stinging sensation hurt more than any other product I’ve used. So now I use The Ordinary Lactic Acid 10% + HA2% now, which is slower to show results but much less irritating to my skin. After a month of use my skin is much smoother and clearer, but without the irritation the Good Genes caused.

      If your skin is not sensitive Good Genes might be fine, but unless you want to pay an extortionate amount for faster results, I think The Ordinary one is just as good – and it’s cheap!

      1. oldbiddy*

        I’ve heard you can often get samples at Sephora? I don’t have one near me so I haven’t tried this myself.
        I went on a exfoliating kick last year. I didn’t try Good Genes but I tried the Drunk Elephant one and also The Ordinary’s 10% lactic acid. The Drunk Elephant was nice but not noticably better than Paula’s Choice 10% glycolic acid serum. The Ordinary gave me a horrible rash and sensitized my skin to the point where it took a few months of no product at all before I could go back to my normal moisturizer and Paula’s Choice 2% BHA gel. (FWIW I have been using the 2% BHA gel for 15 years with no problems)
        TL:DR buy a few samples from Paula’s Choice

      2. TardyTardis*

        I found that a little bit of baking soda on a washcloth exfoliates like a charm, and then I hit my skin with a little bit of relatively cheap skin cream. Seems to work ok for me….

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I found Sunday Riley stuff made break out badly. I’ve had better luck with Ole Henriksen for pricier, or a line called Nip+Fab for cheaper.

    3. kc89*

      the sunday riley stuff is amazing, like over night results

      I haven’t found a better priced alternative so I stick with the sunday riley good genes

      maybe get the $28 kit from sephora that comes with a small size of their cleanser and the good genes. It’s .27 oz of good genes which should be enough for you to see if you like it or not

    4. Amaryllis*

      I hated Sunday Riley UFO Oil (they warn you that you will purge…it was a 3-month-long acne farm on my face. That is NOT a purge!). The Good Genes was just meh. I also deeply dislike Drunk Elephant products, so apparently I just don’t respond well to what’s currently popular!

      I’ve been dipping my toe into K-care, though it quickly gets complicated and intimidating.

    5. LemonLyman*

      I bought a kit at Sephora that came with slightly smaller but still lux feeling bottles of Good Genes, C.E.O. Rapid Flash Brightening Serum, and Tital Brightening Enzyme Water Cream. I like them. Good Genes does tingle a little at first so I use it at night only and the first couple weeks I used it every other day. Now my skin is used to it and I use it every day.

      Remember that everyone’s skin is different so what works for some won’t work for others. But Sephora has a good return policy so I recommend buying from there. That way you can always return it if you decide you don’t like it. (Ulta also has a fantastic return policy, but they don’t carry Sunday Riley.)

  3. Charlotte*

    So umm…how soon is too soon to become discouraged by online dating?
    I finally took the plunge and set up an account on Bumble last week. In the past five days I’ve only had two matches and neither of them replied to my initial message.
    I mean I’m not the most self-assured person to begin with, but I’m starting to suspect this isn’t going to be great for my ego unless I put myself into a better mindset.
    Some of my friends also use the app and while they’ve had a lot of dud dates at least they’re getting offers.
    I know there’s something wrong with me but I don’t know what it is so I don’t know how to fix it.
    Maybe I’m going in with too negative a state of mind already?

    1. Dating Anon*

      I’d give it a little more time, Bumble can be awesome (because you don’t get as many creepy guys on there as tinder) but waiting for them to respond is horrible. I’d say at least 4 out of every 5 guys I matched with didn’t respond, which made me feel pretty crap. So it’s not just you! Talking to my friends who Bumble, most say the same.

      But I persevered and the guys who did message me back were uniformly amazing! I’m now in a relationship with a guy I met on Bumble and it has (so far) been the best relationship I’ve ever had, so it is possible.

      Your friends might be having better luck because they’re swiping right more often than you. Or perhaps they’re REALLY good at crafting that first message. Do you have a friend you trust who could take a look at your profile and messages to see if there’s anything you could tweak?

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          There was a study on speed dating that found people who asked more questions were better liked. So maybe don’t bother trying to come up with something clever but instead just say hi and ask a follow up question about something in their profile?

          1. Dating Anon*

            Yes! This is what I went for, a simple question that was easy for them to answer. Like if they had a photo where they were obviously on holiday, I’d ask where it was taken. Or if they mentioned that they played a particular sport, I’d ask how long they’d been playing for or how they got into it.

            I also got more responses when I put some stuff in my profile that it was easy for them to ask *me* about in response. I put something about liking to eat out, cooking, and being addicted to cheese, so I got a lot of people asking what my favourite restaurant/recipe/cheese was. It was a good way to start a conversation when you haven’t built that rapport yet.

            1. zora*

              Yes. All. Of. This.

              My boyfriend and I met on Tinder (this was right before Bumble came out), so he sent the first message, but I had mentioned in my profile that I like to read nonfiction, he asked what nonfiction I had read recently, we had an awesome convo about a history of New Orleans and we are coming up on 3 years together! Questions are a great way to start.

        2. Mananana*

          Best advice for that first message? Keep it positive. When profiles or messages lay out all the things you don’t want (no game players, no cheats, only honest people, yada, yada) it gives out a “I expect the absolute worst, and I’m trying to weed you out now.” I second the advice to have a trusted friend (one who will be honest) look over both your pics and your profile. If you don’t want to do that, then google “successful Bumble profiles”; there’s help out there.

          Finally, I met my DH online. I did the online dating thing on and off for a few years; had some really good dates, some rather weird dates, and then finally, the last date. We’ve been married for 10 years now.

        3. Teka*

          I’m more familiar with OkCupid so the profile style might be different, but finding a common point of interest such as a hobby or tv series and asking a question is a good way to break the ice. It shows there’s something about them specifically that interests you and you’re not just sending out the same opener to everyone.

    2. Kat*

      There isn’t anything wrong with you, honest! That’s what it’s like, unfortunately. It takes time and you have to keep going because it’s a ‘numbers game’ (so unromantic, but true) and the chances of meeting someone you fancy in one day aren’t going to be high (sure it happens, but I don’t know anyone it happened to!). Just do a bit every day and don’t be discouraged by the number of matches. You don’t know any of those people yet so you can’t be invested in whether it matters that they like you. Just think of it as a bit of a fun game and eventually it’ll be OK.

      And I’m not one of those who has a ‘happy ever after’ from it but I have met lots of cool people and been on nice dates, so just don’t have too many expectations.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      Don’t give up yet! :)

      I’m thinking I had my Match account for 9 months or so before I met my boyfriend, and he was only my second internet date (I only paid when I actually wanted to message someone, it’s a small dating pool in my area).

      I actually had logged in to delete the whole thing and give up forever when I saw his profile . . . We messaged for a week or so before the first date, and now a year and a half later we live together with 3 cats and a giant dog!

    4. Miles*

      The online dating industry preys on insecurities and low self confidence. A lot of the more successful sites/apps are going to subtly make it slightly worse if you’re susceptible (not on purpose but those tend to be more successful even if the creators don’t realize it so the others get weeded out)

      So just keep your head up, practice some positive affirmations and remember that the person you’re looking for is is trying hard to find you too.

    5. Free Meerkats*

      I can’t comment on modern online dating, but back in the early days (mid 90s)it was pretty much the same. After my first wife died I went on both online dating sites. And I only got response rates of about 20%. And I only responded to about 50% of the messages I received. There were no photos, it was all text.

      You’re on Bumble, where the females initiate; if you go on something like OKC, from what I hear, you will be snowed under with messages and be unable to reply to all of them.

      Stick it out for a while, it’s not a sprint. It took some time to find each other, but we just celebrated our 20th anniversary last year.

      1. Anonymosity*

        I got zippo from OKC. But I’m in SW MO where there is nothing, really. Everyone here gets married at twelve. :P

        Well okay, I did get one guy who looked nice but when I went to his profile, the first thing I saw was The most important relationship in my life is my relationship with Jesus Christ. As I am not religious, that was a hard pass. I’m sure he found a nice person, but it wasn’t gonna be me.

    6. Leela*

      Never used it myself but I have multiple couple friends who met with online dating (variety of tinder, bumble, and other ones), several of whom are now married. Based on that I’d say keep at it? And open your horizons, one of my friends almost didn’t meet up with the person she’s now married to because he was doing something weird in his picture (I didn’t see it but she referred to him as “the tree straddler”). I had a friend have to go through multiple bad messages and dates to get to the good ones, post-Harambe some guy even said “Are you a gorilla encloser because I’d love to drop a baby in you”:/

      Best of luck and I hope you start getting some good dates soon!

    7. matcha123*

      I started with online dating in March. I think I’ve met almost 10 men so far. One went out with my three times before ghosting. I have little dating experience and the online dating has been a roller coaster of emotions.
      All I can say is I’m in the same boat and to keep trying. Don’t think of it as life or death. One guy is bad, feel down for a week and keep pushing yourself. Get out and do things that you find interesting. I find that cultivating my friend network helps me feel calm and that will hopefully make me look more attractive to a partner!

    8. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I started online dating in…2011? Maybe earlier, I can’t say for sure. I didn’t stop until 2017, when I met my now-boyfriend.

      I’ve done OkCupid, Match, Christian Mingle, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble…the list goes on. I met now-BF on OkCupid, and that was my personal preference. I tried Bumble, but found I couldn’t start that many conversations (I can be quite shy).

      So…6+ years before I met my long-term BF. I had dates, relationships, etc. all in between, and I’m super picky, so it won’t necessarily take you even a quarter of the time it took me. But like all things, it is an investment.

      Definitely don’t become discouraged, but I would certainly try other apps!

  4. Tired*

    I’ve started systematically deleting my FB posts. No particular reason, just a lot of stuff I’ve posted feel silly/pointless now. I mean yeah I can just deactivate the account, but I’d just prefer it not being out there at all.
    Apparently you can’t just delete your entire account in one go? I mean I probably wouldn’t do that anyway since I might want to check in on other people who still use it, but it’s annoying you can’t just delete all your own posts wholesale. Thankfully I never posted all that much to begin with.

    1. Buu*

      There’s a chrome script you can use to bulk delete old posts, but as always with that kind of thing use at your own risk.

    2. Notapirate*

      I deleted my account 2 years ago and haven’t missed it. It makes you wait 90 days after you choose to do it and of you don’t login during those it deletes.

    3. Miles*

      You can delete your account but it takes some searching. There’s a link in one of the help questions to do it. (and not just the disable feature, which they’ll try to push you to) Technically Facebook keeps the info, and the NSA and all of Zuckerberg’s vague acquaintances will still have access to anything on there if they go looking, but it’ll be off of the site.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’ve done the same thing. It’s interesting seeing the patterns of when/what I posted in the past.

  5. Always Angry*

    Thank you so much to the people who were helpful last week . No thanks to the person who was horrible at the end (although thanks to the person who defended me).

    I’ve had a horrendously stressful week and I’ve managed to keep the anger inside (yay?). I should state that when I say “always angry” this refers to the anger that I internalise towards myself and there was only one incident the previous week where I had got really angry with my kid. I felt at the he time like it was a permanent state of affairs, but it’s not. Again please remember I’m starting therapy soon so I am going to take that step. There are maybe 4-5 instances a year of me taking my anger out on my child. That is clearly far too much and I am personally wounded by my parent doing something like that; it’s both the cause and the effect of my situation with my child, so I know first hand the damage caused. But because I was in such a bad place emotionally last week it might have been that my post read like it happened all the time. It felt like that at the time.

    Anyway. Last night I called my sibling to ask them to come make tea for my child as I was more exhausted than I can say. So I got to shut the door and doze and *not be in charge* for an hour or two and this meant that when child melted down at bedtime for Ridiculous Reason I could just about keep a handle on myself.

    So. TLDR: things are better. I haven’t had a chance to take some of the practical steps suggested in comments yet but they were helpful and it’s good to have that plan.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Hi! I’m glad that you’re doing better and that you found people helpful. I’m really glad that you’re getting into therapy as well.

      As a child who often bore the brunt of her father’s anger when I was younger, I hope you don’t mind if I make a suggestion. My dad never apologised, not once. I really wish he would validate the pain he caused me when I was a child – screaming at me in public, smacking me, tipping cereal over my head etc. – I think it would go a long way to helping me come to terms with what happened but he has a rose-tinted view of the past.

      If your child is old enough, sit him down and tell him that the problem is you, not him (or her). It might help the child.

      Good luck and I’ll be thinking of you!

      1. deesse877*

        Foreign Octopus, I don’t want to tell you how to see your own life, but I would classify the parental behavior you describe as abuse, not merely anger. The distinction is important, because abuse is chosen, over long periods of time, and involves a high level of conscious control (so that the abuser continues to get away with it and avoid consequences), whereas anger such as the OP describes is apparently momentary and involves feeling out of control, and maybe a link to depression or anxiety or simple exhaustion.

        My own abusive parent, when I confronted them around New Year’s (I’m in my 40’s, it took that long), simply stated that they did not remember anything that I mentioned, and therefore they should not be held responsible for it. All in a tone of voice that I’ve known from early childhood indicates a bald lie. Which is ridiculous, of course, but it illustrates the extremes such persons go to, to avoid apologizing.

        Anyways, for the OP, apologies are indeed good, for the reasons Foreign Octopus states–it validates the child’s worldview–and if you can do it, that is really good evidence that you’re going in the right direction. For FO, apologies if my follow-up oversteps, but I really do think that a distinction between anger-from-being-overwhelmed and domestic abuse is important.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Hey deesse877, no need to apologise for your follow up. I know it comes from a place of kindness, and I thank you for that.

          The reason I described it just as anger was the fact that it didn’t happen consistently. He would sort of blow up at the smallest things three or four times a year – once it was because I couldn’t remember 6×4 – but he would be back to normal the next day and then it would be normal, normal, normal until the next thing. I’m not sure if it was abuse – honestly, I’ve never spoken to anyone about it…professionally or amongst my friends. The one time I raised it with him did not go well. He came from an emotionally abusive family and I think he views any criticism of his parenting very defensively because of it.

          I should say that we have a great relationship now and I don’t want to overstate the problem. I’m aware that it was a horrible thing for a parent to do (and for my mum to just sit by and let it – it’s hard to forgive her that as well) but is it abuse-abuse? I’m not sure. I’d probably need to speak with a professional to sort it all out in my head and come to terms with it, amongst other things (I can’t afford it right now but, when I can, I definitely want to have some sessions).

          I’m probably sounding really confused right now but, rest assured, I’m now 28 and living in a foreign country so no matter what, I’m doing okay.

          Thank you so much for your concern though, and I’m sorry that you’ve experienced bad things with your family. The pain always seems so much sharper when it comes from the people we love.

          1. Lissa*

            Whoa, Foreign Octopus, your experience with your father is really close to mine – totally fine until complete rage, sometimes over the most random things. But then he’d be totally cool about things where I’d be sure he’d flip out. And now he just says he doesn’t remember any of it (my brother tried to talk to him about it). We have an OK relationship now and I honestly have absolutely zero desire to ever try to discuss it with him.

            I think a lot of people are really helped by defining an experience as abuse, but for me that isn’t especially necessary. I feel like there can be a narrative that involves a lot of emotions/catharsis or something and I’ve never really felt like that sort of thing helps me. I’m ok with saying “yup, my dad was shitty when I was a kid but we get along ok now.” Not to say that you wouldn’t be helped by more of a definition or anything! I just think sometimes there can be pressure to decide if something is “objectively” abuse or not but I never really felt like that would change anything for me. If I decide that it was abuse, not anger, does that change anything I’m doing now? Not really, for me anyway.

            1. Ron McDon*

              Same here, with my Dad.

              It’s hard to not repeat the behaviour with your own kids, because instinct/habit makes you react in a familiar way, but not always a way you’d like.

              My husband’s Dad was similarly controlling and bossy when my husband was young. The other month he did say that he looks back at how he was then and feels embarrassed, and that he has mellowed with age.

              I can’t see my Dad ever talking about it; he still has trouble admitting he is/was wrong! But I’ll bet he feels the same as my FIL.

            2. Foreign Octopus*

              Hi Lissa and Ron McDon,

              It sounds like the situation is more common than I thought. Not that I’ve really spoken about it to anyone as I’m not sure how to put it into words.

              Lissa, it’s interesting what you say about putting labels on things because I was lying in bed this morning thinking about just that. If a therapist did tell me it was abuse, how would that change my relationship with my dad? I’m not sure any good can come from me picking at this thread and I just need to accept it like you said – “dad had his shitty moments when I was a kid but now we’re great.”

              Ron McDon, my dad has really mellowed with age as well! Occasionally something will happen that had his shouting and screaming in my youth but now he just shrugs it off. I still get the tight feeling in my chest though, anticipating his reaction.

              I think part of the reason I don’t want to have children is because I’m scared I’d repeat the same mistakes and I really, really don’t want to do that.

              1. Jules the Third*

                Yeah, my dad too, though he never got physical.

                When I did the checklist for ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’, he pinged every one, and I pinged most of them. His father was an alcoholic, and the learned behavior passed down.

                Therapy can actually help. I never had a confrontation with my dad, but I am now able to say to my dad, ‘not cool. see you later.’ though I haven’t needed to in a decade, and I’m not afraid of his reaction anymore. But if I died, I wouldn’t want him raising my kid.

                Don’t let the fear limit your life – if you don’t want kids, cool, but if you still get that tight feeling, talk to a therapist and role play how you might behave in the future.

                It was abuse, it just wasn’t *constant* abuse, which yeah, makes it more complicated. I don’t want to call it abuse because most of the time he was a good dad, and it didn’t happen that often, and he got better when I got older, and etc.

                But it was abuse.

              2. Leticia*

                One mechanism that might be in play when an abusive parent “doesn’t remember” is a form of denial. I know I suffer from this, some things that are too painful I just bury deep down and don’t remember. If someone tells me about it, slowly, I can make it surface. It’s never pleasant.

                Another is what I call black rage. I had this once or twice in my life – something annoyed me for a long time until I exploded, but I remember only the scene before and the scene after. Once I found myself holding a high school friend by the shoulders and seeing the terror in her eyes. Apparently I shook her while screaming to be left alone. The other time I was about four and I threw a toy that was almost my size at my brother across my mother’s bed. I have no idea how I managed.

                Something like this might explain why a parent really doesn’t remember. Also it might be a flat out lie. I believe in choosing the narrative that hurts me less.

                1. Lissa*

                  I think that is true with my father – denial to the point where he knows it was bad but doesn’t remember specifics. There were some other factors in play too but it’s a long story… he was drinking a lot around that time, and as kind of an opposite reaction…. he was always way way nicer when drinking. My brother and I talked about how weird it was that we’d hope he would come home drunk, because then he’d be chill, listen to music, talk about life and it would be fine. I definitely think he was self-medicating, as part of the reason he is better now is some meds he’s got on. The only time i really see it anymore is when he’s driving he gets road ragey and has nearly got into a couple confrontations with other drivers.

              3. Thursday Next*

                Your last sentence really resonated with me. I spent a lot of years feeling the same way. But after years of therapy, I came to a place where I didn’t feel I was going to make the same mistakes. That was a really good feeling. Just wanted to say, you can learn to be different from your own parents; it’s work, but it’s possible.

      2. Always Angry*

        I always, always, apologise, and I always make it as clear as I can that it’s Not His Fault and that I’m actively trying to do better.

        I don’t remember my parent ever apologising, except occasionally for extremely minor things. It still hurts. I don’t want to be that person.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Not a parent, but early on I made it a habit to apologize to people at work when I was wrong.

          And an odd thing happened. Instead of feeling like I had degraded myself, I found that on the inside my strength renewed itself. You know, the expression of rising above the circumstance? I could feel myself growing on the inside. And for the most part, I got positive feedback for apologizing. I think in some ways it improved the relationships a tiny bit.

          I very seldom saw my parents apologize to me. And if I apologized to them it did not seem to be enough. When I saw how it worked with regular people, it was a very healing thing for me.
          The next odd thing that happened was that it became easier not to make the same mistake again. I can only describe it as I felt freer, I really don’t have words to describe.. I woefully underestimated the power/renewal that comes back to us when we apologize.

          Anyway, OP, you are talking about this. My saying is “If someone is talking about a problem they have solved 50% of the problem.” You are further along here than you may realize. Keep going, you will get to a new and better place on this one.

    2. Thlayli*

      I’m really glad you’re doing better. Your post last week did make the situation sound a lot worse than it is, and the initial post made it seem like you didn’t acknowledge the gravity of the situation. That may explain the reaction you got.

      The most important thing is that you have recognised this as a problem and want to change. Believe it or not that’s probably the hardest bit.

      It’s good you have a supportive sibling. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

      Personally I find getting a break and a nap is the most important thing when dealing with my kids. Can you build some time into your schedule you get a rest – maybe a weekly babysitting slot which you rotate between sibling (as often as they are willing- agree this in advance) and other (possibly paid) babysitters? If you knew for example that you would have 3 hours to nap every Saturday afternoon it would make the rest of the week easier.

      1. Always Angry*

        I wouldn’t agree that my initial post minimised things (I said I’m starting therapy and that i understand I’m being a shitty parent and that he doesn’t deserve it and asked for help). However we can hopefully agree to disagree.

        I don’t know many people I trust to look after him. So many of my friends/fellow parents round here are in abusive relationships and I don’t trust their other halves :( but I am looking to see if I can extend my social circle which hopefully will help at least in the medium term). But he does go to his other parent/my ex part of the weekend and one evening a week which helps.

        1. Ali G*

          Would your child want to see your ex more? Do you trust your ex? Maybe your child could spend more time with their other parent (assumption here – sorry if wrong) to give you some breathing room and time for therapy.
          You seem extremely self aware of your situation and that is a great first step. Keep going!

          1. Always Angry*

            He would. And ex would. But ex is emotionally abusive so I am very reluctant to add any more time to what he gets.

            1. Jules the Third*

              Yeah, don’t do it. You at least feel bad about getting angry, emotional abusers use anger as a weapon.

        2. Thursday Next*

          Sometimes it can be helpful to get a “parent’s helper,” a young teen whom you might not leave your child alone with, but someone who’d play with your child while you’re in another room. They’re cheaper than babysitters, too! Aaaannnd I am reliably informed that they are more fun than Tired Mommy.

    3. Jules the Third*

      One thing I do when Little Jules is getting on my last nerve (oh trolling, clearly you’re an instinct, not learned) is take a breath, and consciously say, ‘I’m gonna go with this’ and *join* him on whatever it is. That might look like:

      If he’s resisting brushing teeth, I get my toothbrush and do mine. No commentary, just a visual for him.
      If he’s not getting up, give him a hug, and give him another couple of minutes in bed.
      If he’s slow out the door to the bus, race him to the stop.
      (Little Jules, like his dad, is Not A Morning Person)
      Let him fail when he tells us for the first time about that project needing 10ish hrs work that’s due tomorrow. He got to spend a few hours on it, so that he had something to turn in, but he is much better about telling us a couple of weeks ahead now.

      The key thing is that it’s a variation on mindfulness that maintains some forward momentum. I am engaging my front brain by consciously stating to myself, ‘I am getting irritated, what different tactic might work right now.’ Yeah, it takes more time, but Little Jules cries easily, which puts everything at a stop, so in the long run it’s faster for us. And can turn into actual fun. I re-read Lois McMasters Bujold’s Miles Vorkosigan’s series every couple of year, and it’s really good for helping me remember to think, despite the heat of the moment, or the pressure of deadlines.

      All parents get mad. Most parents snap at their kids a couple of times a year. Apologizing does help. My strategy is noticing your rising anger and turning that energy to a constructive channel, which may help.

      1. Always Angry*

        Thank you. I quite often get him to get dressed by saying I can beat him. I usually throw the race but it works to get him dressed faster :) some other good tips in here, thank you.

    4. Mananana*

      So glad that things are looking up. Getting your sibling to pitch in was a great idea; asking for help can be tough. Good vibes for continued progress.

      1. Always Angry*

        Sibling usually says no. Which is frustrating as that’s my only family within 150 miles. But now they know how much I’m struggling I’m hoping they can build me in a bit more.

    5. They called me crabby*

      You could be me! I was angry all. the. time. I’d yell at people while driving in my car. I thought it was due to depression and being generally overwhelmed, and while that was part of my problem, it turned out the root cause was my hormone levels. I had a major meltdown at my chiropractor’s office one day and he suggested I have them checked. No one else suggested I look into that. My estrogen was basically nonexistent and pretty much everything else was way off as well. I was put on some bioidentical hormones and some neurotransmitter supplements for a year or so, diet change, etc to get everything jump started again. That was two years ago and I feel good now. I still get mad on occasion, but it’s not the ragey, nuke the world and everyone in it anger I was experiencing and couldn’t control. Anyway, just something to think about. Good luck!

      1. Always Angry*

        Oh!

        There is something I haven’t thought of!

        I have also been wondering for years whether I’m peri menopausal, I wonder if that might also relate? I will investigate anyway. Thank you.

        1. They called me crabby*

          Yup, that can definitely relate. I was 35 at the time this all happened. You might have to push for testing. Like I said, my regular doctors never brought it up. I had other symptoms too: weight gain (which I figured was due to lack of exercise because of my back issues), generalized depression, slightly off menstrual cycles, no sex drive, anxiety (all of which were originally attributed to stress). Also, I meant to add earlier, I have kids too. They were also a target because literally everyone and everything ended up being a target when I’d blow. I’d apologize everytime. My kids understand that mommy was sick, mommy took medicine, and now mommy is better. It took some recovery and trust building, but they are fine now. I still feel guilty and ashamed however, even though none of my actions were by choice. It was a reaction I literally could not control.

            1. Belle di Vedremo*

              And, stress can mess with our hormones. You’ve had plenty, lately, and while the stress of the transitions you’re making is real it should have an element of resolution in it as you see the new life you’re creating for yourself and Medium Child.

              I applaud your clear-eyed look at yourself and your situation, and all the steps you’re taking to make this series of changes. You are smart, courageous, perceptive and determined, and you clearly have a big heart. You have a lot on your plate, yes, but your internal resources are impressive. We’re definitely Team You!

    6. PNWFlowers*

      Maybe in addition to your own personal therapy, parent/child or family therapy, play therapy etc that you do with your child would be helpful? Improve communication and interactions, etc. Also might open up some other avenues of support or resources for you all. If you like reading, positive parenting by Rebecca Eanes has a book/workbook/fb page that I have really appreciated as I parent. It’s easy for me to get annoyed or be angry and it’s really been helpful to work on myself as I parent my children. Good luck!

      1. Thursday Next*

        I think play therapy can be great for kids, if it’s feasible for you. Especially as your son is probably processing your split from your ex and issues around separate households…play therapy is a nice way to do that.

    7. Anonymosity*

      It’s a cycle. I’m glad you’re taking steps to break it. It’s hard; so many people can’t or don’t know how to begin. You’re off to a good start. *hug*

      1. Always Angry*

        Thank you. I don’t want my son to get to 40 and have to be dealing with this. That would be failure on my part.

    8. RestlessRenegade*

      Parenting seems so hard and it sounds like you are doing your very best. That’s all we can ask of ourselves!

  6. Foreign Octopus*

    BOOK THREAD!

    I’m currently reading The Hand of Fatima by Idelfonso Falcones. It’s about a young Morisco man during the Inquisition in Spain in the 16th century. I’m kind of enjoying it but I’m so frustrated by the horrible decisions the characters are making that are only prolonging their misery. I want to put the book down but I also want to know how it ends.

    What’s everyone else reading?

    1. Laika*

      I’m about halfway through Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman, and I’m actually pretty impressed with the book so far. It doesn’t read so much like “self help” (even though that’s essentially what it boils down to) and has a lot interesting of theory and practical information. My only gripe with it is that I’m impatient to get through to the good stuff! The author includes a lot of backstory and personal anecdotes that are very relevant – so I understand why it’s all included – but I get impatient reading “I met so-and-so, and we discussed such-and-such…” when what I really want is practical tools and skills. Maybe it’s coming in the last half of the book. So I understand your frustrations about to get through to the end (but for different reasons, obviously!)

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I know exactly what you mean about being impatient to get to the good parts. I have to stop myself flicking ahead because I always get annoyed with myself about spoiling it for me.

      2. LifeOrDeath*

        I am reading Furiously Happy – liking it. Just finished Believe me by Eddie Izzard and liked that as well. Next is Kitchen Confidential if I can find it – I’ll miss Bourdain- what a loss.

    2. Kat*

      I am reading We That Are Young by Preti Taneja, which is a modern-day King Lear set in India. It’s epic and really interesting. Whoever edited the book could have done a tighter job, but the story itself is worth investing in.

    3. Thlayli*

      I’m reading “the stars tennis balls” which a guy in work lent me. He told me it was a black comedy, but i must be missing the comdey. it’s awful. It’s about a couple of 17-year-old kids who unwittingly get mixed up in an international terrorist plot and end up having their and their families lives destroyed. I am not seeing the funny side at all and I’m unsure whether it’s just because I’m depressed and unable to see any humour or if it’s genuinely not funny.
      It’s well written and I’m invested now and want to see how it turns out, so I’ll finish it though.

    4. Kate Daniels*

      I recently started My Oxford Year, which I thought was supposed to be a fluffy, happy romance (it is… so far), but I just read a blurb comparing it to books by Nicholas Sparks or Jojo Moyes, so now I’m worried that it’s not a romance book (where HEA are required). I try to only read happy ending books right now because there is too much bad stuff going on in real life.

    5. Lcsa99*

      I am about halfway through Jim Butcher’s Brief Cases – a collection of his short stories. Some of them I’ve read before, but I never mind rereading stuff I like and I love getting back into that world.

      1. Book Lover*

        I read the first four Codex Alera by Butcher and waiting for the last two. Reading the first Aeronaut book right now, hoping to like it, not my thing so far.

        I liked the Rithmatist (would love a sequel) and Steelheart (plan to finish the series and read some more of his books).

        1. Lcsa99*

          I thought the Aeronaut book was ok, but the problem was he had to cram in too much world building to really allow for a great story as well. He needed a short cut to give us all the info we needed to make that world make sense. I think the next one will probably be much better.

          Love all the Dresden Files books but besides Cinder Spires, I haven’t gone into his other stuff.

      2. Shreksays o*

        Reading the serial novelette “sweep of the blade” by Ilona andrews. They post a chapter every week on their blog. Also good is the magic/Kate Daniels series by same author.

    6. WellRed*

      I started The Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll and immediately felt like I made a mistake. So far, the main character is incredibly unlikable.

      2. foolofgrace*

        I generally give a new book 50 pages. If I’m not into it by then, I put it down forever. Giving an author 50 pages seems reasonable to me and i don’t feel bad about bailing. Recreation time is too precious to waste it on unlikable characters or whatever.

        3. PhyllisB*

          foolgrace, I get your point about unlikable characters, but have you ever read a book with characters that you don’t like AT ALL, but you just can’t stop reading? That’s the way I was about Gone Girl and Woman on a Train. I guess it’s a talented writer who can suck you in even though you hate the main characters. :-)

        1. PhyllisB*

          I agree!! I won a book from Goodreads, The People We Hate at the Wedding, and I…hated it. I should have read some of the reviews before entering. I read the blurb and it said it was “screamingly funny” I like humorous books, so thought I would like this one. I lasted three chapters.

      4. Raena*

        I feel the same! I thought it would be great because of all the hype surrounding it but the main character is awful! If I’m not enjoying a book by page 30 I put it down. There are to many great books out there so why waste my time?

      5. Shannon*

        ugh hated that book. I can usually enjoy a book when I dislike an MC but this one was bad.

    7. Jules the Third*

      Louis McMasters Bujold, Miles Vorkosigan series, from Memory to Cetaganda (Late Miles)
      Silmarillion (Tolkien) with Little Jules (He asked for it, I swear!)

      1. wireknitter*

        The Miles books are a series I would like to try. Any advice about where to dive in? (I did the Silmarillion last year.)

          1. Jen Erik*

            I’m just going to add to that that you can get ‘Cordelia’s Honor’ instead, which is a compilation of ‘Shards of Honor’ and ‘Barrayar’ – which are the first and second stories, although ‘Barrayar’ may not be the second published.

            Honestly, if I’d read ‘Shards’ on it’s own, I don’t know that I’d have continued with the series – it’s fine, but you can see a marked improvement between the two books.

            You can also skip both of them, if you like, and start with ‘A Warrior’s Apprentice’ which is where Miles proper starts. (Cordelia’s Honor is basically the story of how his parents met.)

            A lot of the books are also in omnibus editions, so you can buy ‘Young Miles’ instead of ‘A Warrior’s Apprentice’ if it makes sense price-wise and that gets you the next book as well, and a couple of short stories. (Or you could see if you could source an original hardback copy of ‘Cryoburn’ – it included a CD of all the books (bar ‘Memory’ which was left out by accident) in the series up until that point. That’s about a dozen books, so if you’re happy to read ebooks, it’s worth seeing if that’s a cheaper option.)

            1. Jules the Third*

              What Jen said. The ‘Honor’ pair are good, and help you understand a lot, and man, that sewer trip is worth reading the whole series just to get all the times they joke about it (just ran across the joke in Diplomatic Immunity today), but the heart of the series is Miles. I also recommend the _Young Miles_ omnibus instead of the individual books because it puts all the novellas in at the right places, so you don’t have to hunt for them, and _The Mountains of Mourning_ is important. _Labyrinth_ is great and _Borders of Infinity_ – gets summarized later, but the details are… intense.

              Hunh – I did not realize how *many* Hugos this series has won. Deservedly.

              1. Zanar*

                I was introduced to the series by the Mountains of Morning. I thought it summed up the themes of the others – and it’s a short story so it’s a quick read to know if you’re going to like these characters or not. Worked for me!

    8. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m reading The Heart’s Invisible Furies, by John Boyne. He wrote The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas which is one of my favourite young adult books, but this one is definitely for adults. It’s about a boy born out of wedlock in 1940s Ireland and is adopted by a wealthy couple in Dublin (and always reminded of that) and grows up realising he’s gay, which of course was illegal at the time. It’s Pride month so it’s perfect for that.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        You might also like The History of Loneliness by John Boyne. Again, it’s set in Ireland against the backdrop of the Catholic Church scandal and the main character is a priest who is dealing with the fallout.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Thanks, I’ll check it out! I’ve pretty much all the John Boyne I’ve read, even if The Absolutist made me ugly-cry at the end.

    9. Irish Em*

      I’m reading The Burning Page by Genevieve Cogman, part 3 of The Invisible Library series. It’s like a steampunk, spy/thief, literary mash-up that deserves all the accolades. The only downside to such an excellent sci-fi-fantasy mixer is that in the current one giant spiders were used in a kill ploy and… they were *too* well described for my arachnophobic ass. But the author should take the fact that I couldn’t sleep after reading that bit as a compliment and a positive reflection of her talents she’s too good at descriptions!

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Ooof, I had this problem with a sci-fi book I read recently called Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky. I was a few chapters in when I realised that spiders played a large and very well-described role in the book. I finished it and enjoyed it but I’m now side-eyeing spiders.

        1. Dragonista*

          I loved Children of Time and I follow the author on twitter- he recently announced there is to be a sequel!

    10. The Other Dawn*

      Halfway through the last book in the pandemic series I’m reading. It’s Invasion by MP MacDonald. Good series, but I find the poor editing more distracting in this last book. I’m also finding some of the conversations and writing to be a little confusing. Or maybe redundant is a better word. But it’s a good series anyway.

      Thanks so much for all the “apocalypse/pandemic” book recommendations last week! I’ve added every single one of them to my Good Reads “want to read” list.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Oh, I missed that thread last week, but you might also enjoy The Ending series.

    11. Annie Mouse*

      I’m reading Handmaid’s Tale at the moment. I’ve not seen the TV show and I’ve put it off for ages. I didn’t realise it was a dystopian novel, I thought it was set in the past. I’m enjoying it but I’m struggling to get my head round the mentalities involved.

      1. foolofgrace*

        I’m currently watching the series and it’s rather mesmerizing. As you get farther on, the story tells you how things got to be that way, and it’s frightening how something like that can become reality.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        Such a good book!

        The thing that really struck me about it was the fact that everything that happens in the book – the subjugation of women, the abortion restrictions, the forced sex – has all happened at some point in history around the world. Margaret Atwood was very focused when writing the book and decided to use only things that had happened in reality in her book. Gilead is an extreme version but everything there has occurred to women around the world throughout the years.

        It always makes me feel cold when I remember that while reading it.

      3. Anonymosity*

        I read it around the time it first came out, and it scared me so much I couldn’t read it again! But I love the TV show.
        Still haven’t re-read it, and I own it. LOL

      4. RestlessRenegade*

        I loved the book but I’m often reluctant to recommend it in case people are expecting a traditional narrative. Atwood is an amazing writer with so much talent, but she is also atypical. (I actually got my copy of Handmaid signed by her!) I hope you enjoy it!

    12. Aurora Leigh*

      Memory of Fire by Callie Bates. It’s the second book in Waking Land series. I love the magic system and the characters are so well drawn!

    13. OhGee*

      I’m reading the third book in N.K. Jemisin’s Inheritance trilogy, The Kingdom of Gods. I read lots of sci-fi, speculative fiction, and fantasy and was thrilled to discover another fabulous woman writer who works in my favorite genres. I highly recommend her (she has another Hugo winning trilogy out, along with several other books, none of which I’ve read yet)!

      1. smoke tree*

        I just read The Fifth Season (the first in her Broken Earth series) and I thought it was really interesting! Her worldbuilding felt very original, and I appreciated that women of colour were most of the main characters. I thought her geology based magic system was really fascinating.

    14. Igirit*

      I just got done with a rewatch of Downton Abbey and I’m obsessed. So I’ve gone looking for books set in that age among nobility and society and so I’ve read Margaret Powell’s ‘Upstairs, Downstairs’ and I have only now discovered Edith Wharton whose novels are set in the gilded age in America! I’m so happy that I have entire booklist to go through. And I hated Lily Bart- what a frustrating character!

      1. London Calling*

        Fiction or factual? because if you like factual there’s Anne de Courcy, Pamela Horn, the memoirs of Consuelo Duchess of Marlborough ‘The Glitter and the Gold,” Lucy Lethbridge’s “Servants,” “The Housekeeper’s Tale2 by Tessa Boase, “Edwardians in Love,” by Anita Leslie and in fiction off the top of my head “The Edwardians” by Vita Sackville West and “The Shooting Party” by Isabel Colegate. I blogged on this very subject when Downton ended

        https://enoughofthistomfoolery.wordpress.com/2016/03/14/books-to-ease-your-downton-abbey-withdrawals-part-1-non-fiction/

        https://enoughofthistomfoolery.wordpress.com/2016/03/14/books-to-ease-your-downton-abbey-withdrawals-part-2-fiction-academic/

        Our blog covers the Downton period so you should find plenty in the bibliographies under each article.

    15. HannahS*

      I read Craeft by Alex Langland(s?), one of the archaeologists who does Victorian Farm and it’s associated shows. If you’re interested in some of the crafts practiced in England pre-industrial revolution (centered around farming), it’s really interesting. I like some chapters more than others. He takes a very close focus on the craft–in discussing, say, textile production, he’ll tell you in a lot of detail how it was done at various points in time, but not who did it under what circumstances, who bought and who sold, where those people lived and how much money they made. Really no broader socioeconomic context. It was still really good though, because often he’s talking about these very old crafts from the perspective of someone who’s actually tried them. I also loved How to Be a Tudor and How to Be Victorian by Ruth Goodman, the other person from those shows, who does much more people-centric history.

      1. London Calling*

        And the DVDs The Victorian Farm and The Edwardian Farm with Alex Langland, Peter Ginn and Ruth Goodman are very good, plus The Victorian Kitchen Garden if you can still get hold of it*(it came out in the late 1980s/early 1990s).

        *Just checked – available on Amazon.

        1. Screenwriter*

          Not quite the same, but Victorian Slum House on BBC was TERRIFIC–super insightful, informative, empathetic, with a lot of historical information.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            I loved that! It was on PBS in 2016, I think? I was glued to it. It was SO GOOD.

    16. Gatomon*

      I’m reading the Lord of the Rings – never read or saw the movies before. SPOILERS BELOW!!

      I’ve reached the part where the ring has been destroyed and everyone is picking up the pieces.

      The writing is beautiful but I’m baffled by the lack of character progression or depth to the story. It feels like “first they did this, then they did that, then this happened, and then they did this…” for most of the story. I feel like I barely know these characters despite the thousands of words I’ve read about them. And it seems like there’s always something convenient that saves their bacon, like the mail Frodo was given to wear or the lambas cakes that don’t ever seem to end or Aragorn just happens to have magic healing powers (?? seriously??). The fellowship of the ring was woefully unprepared for this journey, and every time they start to suffer a consequence (Gandalf’s death, Frodo’s death, attack by the Ringwraiths) it’s reversed or averted coincidentally. I’m not feeling any emotion for these characters at all. I’m not seeing why Tolkien is so revered.

      1. The Foreign Octopus*

        Welcome to LOTR, better late than never!

        I think the reason Tolkien is so revered is his master ship at world building. There was simply nothing else like it when he published. He devoted himself to building the world with the languages involved and it set the standard for fantasy to come after it, although (in my opinion) none have measured up. As for the lack of character development, I would argue that it’s there but it is hidden by the way he writes, which is very much of its time – and let’s not forget, he was a don at Oxford in the first half of the 20th century so his English will be a little more florid than we’re used to now.

        As much as I love Tolkien, I feel George RR Martin more accurately represents grand quests and danger – he’s not afraid to kill off his main characters and keep them dead to reflect the reality of the situation; sometimes the hero doesn’t always win.

        1. Jules the Third*

          yeah, a little more florid. You could call it that.

          My class on it in college called it ‘prose poetry’. I agree the character dev is there but hidden.

          Martin – yeah, he’s gritty and real and all, but if I want to read about adventures where people die, I tend to pick history instead of fantasy. David Weber is also like that – a major character dies in every Honor Harrington book. You run a real danger of losing audience – he lost me with Alistair.

      2. anon for this*

        Huh. I don’t care for them either, but now that you mention it… I think it’s simply not a character-driven story. Tolkien was also drawing heavily on traditional Northern European folktales and mythology (e.g., the healing hands of a King), and well… traditional stories around the world tend not to follow modern storytelling standards. At ALL. Also meta-spoilers: divine intervention is a thing in Middle-Earth. Wizards aren’t humans with magic, they’re angels in custom meatsuits.

        None of this is to encourage you to like it! Just explain a bit of why it’s so strange nowadays.

      3. Jules the Third*

        But there is still some character development, you just have to see the internal workings of it in your head. Frodo and Aragorn, not so much, and what there is has become stereotypical (Reluctant Hero!), but Eowyn, Sam, Smeagol and Legolas / Gimli all show evidence of growth. Though I gotta admit, I always saw Eowyn as taking off on occasional adventures, even after she got married – I didn’t buy the last ‘happy wife’ phase one bit.

        The world-building, yes, but also – there *weren’t* a gazillion books with Reluctant Heroes and elves and rangers when this was written. There were a few (Dunsany, ER Eddings, William Morris), but pickings were slim. I think it’s part of why Westerns were so popular in the early 20th century – a yearning for Romance – and the rise of Fantasy and Sci Fi is part of their decline.

      4. Mad Baggins*

        In addition to what everyone has already said, I’d recommend you listen to the radio play by the BBC. One thing that is definitely difficult for new readers is that character feelings and motivations aren’t as spelled out as we are used to in modern literature. So you have to really read into each line in order to see the feeling in it, and that requires already knowing what happens–not very welcoming to a new reader! But in the radio play, all the characters are beautifully acted out with just the right level of sound design to help you picture what is happening. By hearing an actor’s interpretation, I was able to “hear” the emotion in lines I never heard before, and it really made everything *click* in a way a simple audiobook wouldn’t. And Ian Holm, who plays Bilbo in the movies, plays Frodo! If you can find it somewhere I highly recommend it!

      5. Gatomon*

        I know I’m super late to reply, but thank you all for your perspectives! I knew the story was old, but I didn’t realize it was written during the 30s and 40s (I would’ve guessed 50s or 60s at the latest). I think that does impact how it would be received/how it would impact things.

        I agree the worldbuilding is definitely the strongest aspect of the series. It does feel like a large, diverse continent. The sheer amount of time it takes them to get from The Shire to Mordor, and the variety of depicted landscapes, and languages, and cultures, really reinforces that.

        I do really enjoy George RR Martin’s… grittiness? Maybe that’s why I’m struggling a bit. Prose and poetry has never been something I took a lot of interest in. I think for me to really love something of this length, I need a more character-driven story like Martin.

        I think I’ll have to dig deeper on the character development. Legolas and Gimli do get over their dislike/distrust of each other to become friends, and Smeagol/Gollum is a pretty complex… whatever he is!

    17. Cringing 24/7*

      I will always recommend Who Fears Death by Nnedi Okorafor until the day I die. It’s such a great read!

      1. Violaine*

        Just started “The President is Missing” by Bill Clinton and James Patterson while riding the Metro this morning (headed to the Library of Congress to get a reader card, because I can :) ). So far, so good!

        Next up will be The Comedown by Rebekah Frumkin.

      2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        I’m picking that one up from the library on Monday! Great to hear another recommendation for it. I’m trying to read more books by/for/about women and people of color, and don’t have a lot of real-life people to get such recommendations from.

        Just finished Dread Nation by Justina Ireland. It’s a YA novel set in an alternative 1800’s US where the dead rose towards the end of the Civil War. Interesting story and great world building. Surprisingly believable.

        Also, agreeing with a comment above, I highly recommend N. K. Jemisin’s works. The Broken Earth trilogy was what convinced me that fantasy didn’t have to be all vampires and dragons and aimed at tweens. Amazingly unique story and sooo well written. I’m really upset that Hollywood keeps regurgitating the same stories over and over when absolute gems like this are out there.

    18. Violaine*

      I thought I replied to this, but either I fail at commenting on a mobile browser or it didn’t go through.

      Started reading “The President is Missing” on the Metro this morning, while en route to the Library of Congress to get a reader’s card. So far, so good.

      Next up: “The Comedown” by Rebekah Frumkin.

    19. zora*

      I just finished The Wreath by Sigrid Undset, a Nobel prize winning Norwegian author. Historical fiction set in 14th century Norway… I absolutely loved it and now feel like it went to quickly, so I might be picking up the next 2 books in the series soon!

      Just started Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskell, a friend of Charlotte Bronte, which is a fun read, I’m really enjoying so far.

      2. Ginger ale for all*

        I love one of Gaskell’s other books, North and South. It was also made into a mini series which was excellent.

    20. PhyllisB*

      Also it seems like I’m obsessed with weddings, but the I’ve read three books with a wedding theme, (with two James Patterson Murder Club books thrown in to keep things interesting.) I just finished Nantucket Wedding by Nancy Thayer, and I read The Wedding Dress and The Wedding Chapel by Rachel Hauk. About to start The Wedding Shop by her, then I think I’ll leave the weddings for a while and read something else.

    21. Anonymosity*

      Re-reading The Incorruptibles series by John Hornor Jacobs. It’s a sort of steampunk/western fantasy; very unique. Book 2 is Foreign Devils; book 3 is Infernal Machines. I had book 3 but didn’t get to it and I kind of forgot what happened, so I wanted to re-read before I dove into the last one.

      I love John’s stuff. I met him at a local sci-fi con, where he nominated me to judge a gross-out contest with a couple of other horror/fantasy authors (that was my fault, because I told him it’s really hard to gross me out). I never laughed so much in my life. John’s a great writer–he recently had a really good literary vampire story in Apex magazine called “Luminaria.” You can read it here: https://www.apex-magazine.com/luminaria/

      After I’ve read and reviewed Infernal Machines, I’ll read Stephen King’s new one, The Outsider. When I have some money I will get The Pharaoh Key, the new Gideon Crew book by Preston and Child.

    22. MsChanandlerBong*

      I just started book #40 of 2018, so I am almost to my goal of reading 50 books this year. It’s the third book in Dot Hutchison’s “The Collector” series. When I read her first book, “The Butterfly Garden,” I couldn’t put it down, so now I buy everything she writes. I just finished “Dying Truth” by Angela Marsons, which is book #8 in a UK detective series. I think my next read will be “Four Blind Mice” by James Patterson.

      1. RestlessRenegade*

        I have wanted to read “The Butterfly Garden” for so long! For some reason I can never find it in a bookstore. I think I’ll have to get a copy online. I’m glad to hear someone liked it!

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I absolutely loved it. When I got it, I stayed up until 4 a.m. so I could finish it in one night.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        I’m really far behind on my 50 books goal, I’m only on 20 or 21. I’m super looking forward to summer holidays so I can catch up. It doesn’t help that other people in my group are flying through the Perry Mason series while I’m ploughing through these 500-page bricks.

    23. RestlessRenegade*

      I’m reading Red Queen, the sequel to Alice by Christina Henry. I LOVED Alice, and I’m enjoying Red Queen though not quite as much. If you’re into very horrifying, very dark re-imaginings of Alice in Wonderland, I highly recommend the first book. (TW for sexual assault and body horror and a whole slew of other things.)

  7. Caledonia*

    The Glasgow School of Art -A Charles Rennie Macintosh building – has been devastated by another fire, several years after the last one. They have spent all of this time renovating it. Terrifically sad.

    1. Cristin in England*

      Oh no! That’s terrible. I remember the last fire (I think I was still living there at the time. )

    2. nep*

      Was just looking at that on BBC website–just awful, especially after the huge investment to rebuild it.

    3. Rosemary7391*

      Yeah :( and it’s spread to other buildings too. There was a fire on Sauchiehall street not all that long ago as well. It’s not like our weather normally encourages this sort of thing!

      1. Cristina in England*

        I was sad to see the roof of ABC collapsed. I’ve seen so many great shows there, some of my favorites.

        1. Daphne*

          Me too! I think that hit me more because I don’t have any ties to the art school, although I’m a Scottish art grad and feel very sad to see the building damaged again. Wondering what caused it….

  8. Laika*

    I’m moving back to North America after 1.5 years living overseas, and I’m so nervous/excited to go “home” and see all my friends and family. I’m worried I’ll fall back into a lot of the same old patterns and habits, but I’m also very much looking forward to some more stability in my life. Has anyone else been through this kind of transition? Any hot tips or words of encouragement? :)

    1. nep*

      Could you give an example of what you’re concerned about–what patterns and habits you might fall back to?
      I returned to the US after many years overseas. Just looking to understand your question a bit better.

      1. Laika*

        Mostly about getting comfortable and not trying to push myself/keep perusing personal growth. My time abroad was really hectic with a lot of uncertainty so I guess I’m worried I’ll come home and everyone/-thing will be the same and I’ll embrace stability a little too hard revert to the same person I was before I left, especially considering I’ll be returning to my Old Job/Company (but that’s not really the focus of my fears, plus this is a Non Work Discussion Zone!).

        1. Jules the Third*

          Travel! The US has a ton of neat things to see or do.
          Get involved – this is a highly polarized, political time, but if you don’t want to go there, people still need help on non-political fronts.
          Start a new hobby – meetup with people who also do it
          Schedule stuff – commit to something like 1 weekend a month Doing Something New

          For me, it’s ‘2 weekends of heavy cleaning, 1 weekend Projects, 1 weekend Fun’

          1. Laika*

            Yes, I love the idea of scheduling and making sure that my weekends have a dedicated purpose. Thank you!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Set goals for yourself. Put it in writing if need be.
          Being away forced your hand, you had to do something because of your circumstances. Maybe giving yourself goals with a built-in, “forced” commitment of some sort would be key for you.

    2. Jess the Kat*

      I spent about the same amount of time overseas as you did, about 15 years ago. It’s great to get home and see how the family has changed since you were gone. I noticed that the family cat even looked different! I had young nieces and nephews who were infants when I left and were toddlers when I got back so we resumed our relationship as if I never left. One thing I remember is the transition mostly from city life back to smallish town USA life and the lack of exercise that came with it. I lost weight from living in the UK in a major city because of increased exercise and a simpler diet, and lots of stress. When I got back to the US it is was hard to be cognizant of that and it was easy to slip back into old ways with richer food options and less exercise and returning in time to a harsh winter.

    3. Cringing 24/7*

      I understand your worry – when I was living overseas, I was always trying new things and pushing myself because my mindset was, “I’m a stranger here and there are so many things I haven’t ever seen or tried before.”

      When I returned to the US, I fell back into old, comfortable habits and felt sad that I wasn’t having adventures anymore. It took a while before I realized that being overseas had changed who I was, so I could view myself as almost a new person and go out into my “home country” with that same, “there are so many things I’ve never tried before” mindset. It takes some concentration and effort, but meditation and being willing to force myself into uncomfortable situations has really helped.

    4. Triple Anon*

      Yeah. Reverse culture shock is a thing. Your home country may seem strange for a while. The good part for me was that it gave me a new appreciation of America and American culture. I used to take more for granted, and I was more cynical. Now I see more things as, “cool American cultural things,” instead of having a more cynical take on it.

      Challenges: If you settled into another country’s society and culture a bit, it may be harder to relate to people who have lived in one country their whole lives; it changes you. Learning to speak like an American again can be challenging. And of course there is a lot to miss, and that can be traumatic (leaving close friends). There can be a sense of isolation because you’ve had life-changing experiences and you’re cut off from the people who were part of it.

      I’ve always been kind of nomadic, but it intensified that for me. Now I want to travel all the time. I think of myself as part of a global community rather than belonging to one place.

      1. Teapot Reader*

        Im currently in this situation and my advice would be to take it easy, because you are going to have a heck of a lot of things that need sorting administratively when you return to a country after time overseas, from local taxes and utility bills to working out where it was you kept the folder with the volunteering paperwork. Everything takes 5 times as long as you expect, shops have moved and closed down, and all your friends and family want to hang out. I have actively had to schedule in quiet evenings and weekends as I am just so tired by it all.

      2. Mad Baggins*

        “If you settled into another country’s society and culture a bit, it may be harder to relate to people who have lived in one country their whole lives; it changes you. Learning to speak like an American again can be challenging.”
        So true, and it feels really reaffirming to hear someone else say that.

        “Now I see more things as, “cool American cultural things,” instead of having a more cynical take on it.”
        I’ve become much more cynical in the last 6 months or so, so this outlook is really helpful. I’m going to try to think this way!

  9. Beesknee*

    Fun question: if you could spend time with anyone historic figure, who would it be and why?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Isabel of Castille.

      She was a huge force in Spain in the 15th century and although she and her husband were called the Catholic Monarchs, she’s the one better remembered. I’d love to ask her about all sorts of things – why she strove to be Queen (she had two brothers ahead of her in the line of succession and she forced her older half-brother Henry to name her his successor over his own daughter), whether she really loved Fernando (they kind of eloped), and if she had any regrets about some of her actions (the Moorish expulsion and then peace settlement that fell apart nearly a century later under her grandson – or great-grandson – in what we know as the Spanish Inquisition).

      I just think she’s a fascinating historical figure.

      (Great question by the way!)

      1. London Calling*

        And the mother of Katherine of Aragon. Would Henry VIII have treated his wife so badly if Isabella had still been alive to exert diplomatic pressure?

        1. zora*

          omg yes!! I just read Phillipa Gregory’s book about Katherine of Aragon earlier this year and it was the first time it clicked that she was Isabel’s daughter! Such fascinating women!!

          Also, we are so used to hearing the part of the story where Anne Boleyn arrives, but Katherine basically ran England for about 20 years!! I wish we heard about that part more often.

          1. London Calling*

            Henry was actually married to Katherine for longer than all of the other wives put together. Also, fun fact – Henry VIII was distantly related to all his wives.

            1. Foreign Octopus*

              I believe the reason Henry VII pushed so hard for Arthur and Katherine to marry in the first place was that Katherine actually had the stronger claim to the English throne through Isabel. It helped to solidify the Tudors power on the throne having Isabel’s daughter marry the Crown Prince.

              1. London Calling*

                Well it would have been difficult to have a weaker claim than Henry VII. Plus the fact that Katherine marrying a Tudor prince meant acceptance of the ruling dynasty by one of the most powerful ruling families in Europe – Ferdinand and Isabella wouldn’t have allowed their daughter to marry a prince to a shaky throne. It was just the earl of Warwick’s bad luck that he stood in the way of that acceptance.

        2. Foreign Octopus*

          I was thinking about that just the other day! I did the math and Katherine was about 19 when her mother died, just before she married Arthur, I think. There were then five years before she married Henry while her father (Fernando) played politics.

          If Isabel had still been alive, I doubt there’s a chance in hell that Henry would have been able to throw Katherine over. I think the Holy Roman Emperor was her nephew or something and she wasn’t called the Catholic Queen for nothing. The Pope would have had her back in an instant.

          I imagine British history would have been very, very different if she’d been alive when Henry clapped eyes on Anne.

    2. nep*

      There are many. I’ll name a few. (Cheating, I know.)
      Harry Truman. To hear him talk about his life and becoming president and the decisions he made while in office.
      George Eliot. Just find her a fascinating character and writer.
      Not a historical figure, I suppose, but MAN would I love to spend some time with Christopher Hitchens. Miss him.

    3. Irish Em*

      Caterina Sforza.

      I’m reading her biography (Tigress of Forlì by Elizabeth Lev) and she was a kickass lady who loved her family, loved Forlì and Imola and ruled them better than her husband(s). Her appearances in the Assassin’s Creed games do not do her justice.

      1. London Calling*

        Was it Caterina who when her son was captured by the army besieging her castle and threatened to kill him, leapt on the battlements, hoicked her skirts above her waist and said go ahead, she and her husband had the means to make more sons? or is that just legend.

          1. TardyTardis*

            A friend of mine came up with a great phrase about women like that. “She was one of those terrible great-grandmothers, the kind that buried four husbands (though one of them wasn’t hers, and one of them wasn’t dead yet)”. I dunno, I just liked it.

    4. NeverNicky*

      Bess of Hardwick

      Firstly for the local connection – my dad’s family are from the villages surrounding Hardwick Hall and go back centuries. Given how little they move I imagine some of my ancestors worked for her.
      Secondly, she was a powerful, strong woman at a time when it wasn’t expected. She was business savvy, and politically savvy too, managing not to annoy Elizabeth I too much, even though her granddaughter was a claimant to the throne (and a pain in the backside about it)
      Thirdly – she was an amazing needlewoman, and I love seeing her work – and I want to know how she found the time!

      1. London Calling*

        Mary Lovell has written a pretty good account of Bess’s life. Lovell tends to the uncritical where her subjects are concerned, but it’s a good introduction.

        * she was an amazing needlewoman, and I love seeing her work – and I want to know how she found the time!*

        Servants. Lots and lots of servants.

      2. Anonymosity*

        Hardwick Hall, more glass than wall! That place has been on my must-see list for ages.

    5. London Calling*

      Richard III. Did he really believe the princes were illegitimate or was it an opportunistic power grab, and what actually happened to them?

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        In a weird bit of timing, I just listened to the Thinking Sideways podcast episode about the princes yesterday!

      2. EvilQueenRegina*

        Yes! I have been fascinated by the Princes in the Tower story for years so I would agree.

      3. Foreign Octopus*

        Oooo, this is a good one!

        How can two royal princes just disappear without leaving a trace? I’d love to know what happened to them, and find out more about Richard because his characterisation in Shakespeare is a little grim. I’d like to know what he was really like.

        1. London Calling*

          While I was doing my degree I read an interesting theory – Richard III was written at the end of the 16th century when drama is still a very new form. Richard, this critic contended, is not actually meant to be a developed human character, but is closer to the personifications that appeared in the medieval mystery plays – in this case, the personification of Vice, and Henry Tudor is Virtue – obviously, as he was writing about the monarch’s grandfather.

          Or there’s my theory, that Shakespeare wrote the play as a bit of fun, the company read it and said ‘Will, this is SO over the top, what are you DOING, NO-ONE is seriously going to believe the bloke was that bad.’

      4. TardyTardis*

        Reading THE DAUGHTER OF TIME by Josephine Tey gives one some historical perspective. Plus, my favorite for the villain was the Bishop of Ely, who became a trusted advisor of Henry VII, and was the inventor of Morton’s Fork, a truly exciting principle in the tax arena–if you showed plenty of swag, you were taxed bigly, and if you didn’t show any bling, you were obviously socking it away, *see* you were taxed bigly. (Ely’s execution by Henry VIII was one of the most popular events of the day, needless to say).

        Also, the Bishop of Ely was the tutor of someday Sir Thomas More, and so when Sir Thomas More put forward the Tudor party line on Richard III, he was usually believed.

        1. London Calling*

          LOVE The Daughter of Time! it did show that there are actually more potential murderers – if they were indeed murdered – than just their uncle.

          Ely wasn’t executed, he died in his bed in 1500 and is buried in Canterbury Cathedral. Do you mean Dudley and Empson? because their execution was very popular.

    6. Anonymosity*

      Beethoven. I’ve always loved him, but for a while in the 1990s I had a strange obsession with learning everything I could about him and listening to his music. He was quite popular in his lifetime–thousands of people went to his funeral procession.

      He was a good-looking young man, too. We mostly see him in portraits as an older man, with the crazy hair and a big frown. But when he was younger, he had dark hair and looked a little bit like Ewan McGregor. :)

    7. Thlayli*

      Jesus. To find out the truth. Did he really claim to be the son of God, or was that a false claim made up years later? Could he really work miracles? Was (is) he actually the son of God? Or was he just a really charismatic guy who saw how crap the world is and said hey let’s all try being nice to each other for a change, and this was such a revolutionary concept it started a religion?

      My agnostic-atheist-Catholic dilemma could be solved in one fell swoop!

    8. Jackie*

      I would want to have a visit with Voltaire. I became interested in his life after reading Candide.

  10. A bit of a saga*

    Happy weekend runners! I’m trying out trail running today – that’ll be a first. Hope it’s fun! I need to get back into action after my last long race so thought something different might help me do that. Anybody have races this weekend?

    1. Kat*

      You sound like me! I did a 10k recently and the next weekend went running in a forest on a trail I know well from walking. First time too! It was great fun and I can totally see myself getting into it more. It was a bit harder in terms of terrain but it just felt so nice to be off road. Let me know how you find it!

      1. A bit of a saga*

        I had a great time! I went with a group of people who knew what they were doing so that was good. I’ve grown somewhat tired of the local parks so the change of scenery was great and good to get some different muscles going. I think it definitely supplements the road running nicely

        1. Kat*

          Cool! I went alone but might try to join a group. I forgot how many hills were on my trail (different when you’re walking!) but that’s probably all good stuff to get used to.

          1. A bit of a saga*

            I never thought I would join a running group but it’s really worked out well for me. There’s a coach who is in charge so I know I get a good workout and there’s just an overall good spirit – people are positive and encouraging. I also run on my own (most of the time in fact) but the group is a good boost (it’s also people who are genuinely interested in how those new shoes are working out or how you tackled that hill in the race – I sometimes have to remind myself that not everyone shares my interest so it’s good to know that these people do!)

            1. Grumpy*

              I should get over myself and join a group. I’m so nervous about it though…
              Visiting friends for the weekend, will go for a run and explore the area.

              1. Anon in the city*

                Do it! Are you nervous about meeting people or about your ability to keep up? If it’s the former the good thing about running is that you’re doing something together so you don’t need to talk much and you’ve got a joint interest right there to chat about. If it’s the level: I definitely started out as one of the weakest runners but everyone was so supportive and running with people who are faster than me helps push me

    2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      …somehow I missed this thread entirely!

      It sounds like you definitely had a good time – how tricky was the trail you ran?

      1. A bit of a saga*

        You definitely have to pay a lot more attention and though my normal routes are also somewhat hilly this was more so – but not too tricky. This is a new group that my usual group has formed so I guess they don’t want to scare us off ;-)

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          Nice! I’ve had similar experiences with needing to be more careful – I’ve fallen on the short trail about a mile from my place more than once (and by short, I mean – it’s half a mile start to finish), and I nearly took out one of my friends trying to cross a stream once. (This was around March, I think, so it was still cold out.)

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I hope your trail run went well! I give you credit. I am unlucky with falling over random debris so trail running is the one type of running I don’t do.

  11. only acting normal*

    Any advice for going to a naming ceremony, for a religion you do not share, when last time (at same place of worship) the preacher seemed to take it as a personal affront that non-religion people were present and took it as an opportunity to damn them all to hell?
    Parents of child being named didn’t notice last time.
    There’s a gathering afterwards at the parents’ home that I’ll happily attend, however I’m not comfortable going to the actual ceremony – I’d rather wait outside the place of worship.
    (NB I don’t believe in hell, so he couldn’t actually damn me to it, but I was clearly not welcome.)

    1. only acting normal*

      Forgot to add. My husband is part of the ceremony, I am not. And the parents are not at all devout.

    2. Jules the Third*

      Yeah, meet them after… yeesh. Send the hubs in while you take a nice walk. Don’t mention it unless questioned – parents probably aren’t taking attendance.

      1. Loz*

        Exactly. If they’re not even religious then it’s likely there will be a decent piss-up afterwards.

        Atheists/Church, Children/Pubs, Vegetarians/Social dining. Horrible.

    3. Long Time Fed*

      I’m an atheist from an evangelical Christian family. I’m a master at tuning out everything and daydreaming when I’m attending any function in their very conservative churches.

    5. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      How does the preacher know any particular person is non-religious? You could easily be a devout person who happens to attend a different place of worship.

      Don’t go if you’re not comfortable, but I’d be tempted to sit in the very front row with a big smile on my face the whole time.

      1. only acting normal*

        I think it was the massive expansion of his usual audience with strangers and the fact a lot of people obviously didn’t know the order of service or the hymns etc.
        I’ve been to other services where the not-usual-audience is acknowledged and it’s used as an opportunity to win hearts and minds. This particular place… not so much!

        1. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

          That’s still no proof of being non-religious. If someone usually goes to a church that doesn’t have a fixed order of service or has a very different one, they may be very unfamiliar with the one used at that church, even if they were very religious. If we’re not talking about a church that would believe that they are the only ones who are saved and all other churches are false, there’s no reason to jump from “isn’t familiar with our order of service” to “non-religious and going to hell”.

          1. only acting normal*

            It’s not a wild guess to make in the UK: around half the population is estimated to be non-religious. Yet a lot still use churches for “hatches, matches, and dispatches” because ‘culture’ and ‘nice venue’. I don’t personally think that’s a good enough reason if you don’t actually believe, and ironically the preacher seemed to agree with me there.

            1. Thlayli*

              Im kind of confused how he managed to damn you to hell and the parents didn’t even notice?

              I suggest rather than lying about not going, you tell the parents what happened with the preacher last time and let them know that’s why you won’t go this time.

              1. only acting normal*

                The parents were/are just focused on baby being named and didn’t really go deeper into it than ‘family tradition’. Also they were trying to keep a baby happy and quiet during the service – bit of a distraction.

    6. Bagpuss*

      I think you would be fine to let your husband go to the ceremony alone, and join him for the party. If the parents (or anyone else) notice, you can say briefly “Oh, I recall last time that the priest’s address made it clear that he didn’t welcome non believers, so I decided to stay away from the ceremony” which which is truthful but puts the responsibility on the priest, not the parents. And if they hadn’t noticed, lets them know.

    7. I Have Been To Paradox But I Have Never Been To Me*

      the preacher seemed to take it as a personal affront that non-religion people were present and took it as an opportunity to damn them all to hell

      That’s a nice way to leave non-religion people with a positive impression of your faith!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Talk about leaving a positive impression of your faith…years ago my daughter had a young man from Canada visiting her for the weekend and never attended church in his whole life. We invited him to attend service with us and he accepted. Well, as it turned out our pastor was gone that weekend and the man who filled in for him was not an ordained minister (but he did a lot of speaking at churches.) His sermon was about…..chewing tobacco. I can’t remember the details, and he did have a Christian point to make, but the whole service I was sitting there thinking, “Great. This is the first time this young man has been to church, and his first time visiting the South. This just fed into all the stereotypes about red-neck Southerners.” I’m sure he had quite a story to tell when he returned home.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Ignore it, if you want to go that is.

      Maybe you can find a place in your thoughts where you say, “Did you mention to The Parents that you don’t want me here? Well. I am here now. If you want me to leave you will either have to carry me out OR get The Parents to ask me to leave.”

      FWIW, he should not be in charge of garbage never mind a congregation of actual people. He’s an example of why people end up in therapy for years.
      I am a church going person. I found one church here that I will never, ever go to again in my life. So I do understand. Your solution might be to tell the parents you have something to take care of but you will catch up to them at the house. That is probably what I would do.

    9. Jane of all trades*

      I think I may be in the minority view on this one, but if it were me I’d probably decide that this day is about your friends’ (family’s?) naming ceremony, and celebrating the child, and would resolve to make the best of it, and sit through the ceremony with a good attitude.
      I think this one if more about feeling honored that they want you present for such an important moment, and supporting that. And then just don’t attend this place of worship the remaining 364 days of the year. I think it would be different if they had asked your opinion on the venue, at which point, absolutely tell them, because it does sound like the preacher is awful.

      1. only acting normal*

        That is what I normally do for such ceremonies. And most preachers acknowledge guests with good grace and do a winning hearts and minds sermon.
        However, if guests are very obviously not welcome, well I have my limits as far as sucking it up goes, and being directly impugned with the whole “non believers have no morals” bullshirt = a hard no.

    10. Snazzy Hat*

      My devoted Catholic (but also very liberal) mother recently left a parish she had been going to for a bunch of years when the priest had a sermon that basically said non-Catholics are worthless. Both of her adult children are Pagan. She wrote a letter of complaint to the Archbishop about the priest.

  12. TW: talk of depression and suicide*

    This came up in last week’s open thread, and it’s been playing on my mind quite a bit. It’s the question of why do people feel like they can’t reach out for help when they have thoughts about suicide.

    Now obviously I can’t speak for everyone, so STRONG DISCLAIMER that this train of thought applies to me and me alone. If anyone else identifies with it that’s one thing, but I’m certainly not making any generalisations.

    The reason I don’t talk about it is because it passes. I have long stretches of ‘good’ days when I’d feel perfectly normal, even euphorically happy – and those are not covering up anything, when I have good days I’m genuinely happy, genuinely enjoying life and appreciating everything. That’s the version of me that I want people around me to see and to interact with. Unfortunately I can’t control when those start or stop.

    I can’t tell when the bad days will start, I don’t have any particular triggers. Sometimes I’d be facing the exact same issues but on good days they’d seem manageable and I’d even be able to spin negative experiences into positives – e.g. learning something new. On bad days they send me into a headspin and I just want everything to stop.

    It’s like there’s two versions of me, and they hate each other (this probably sounds crazy, I don’t know if split personality disorder is actually a thing, but often I don’t recognise the other version of myself). The ‘good’ one hates the ‘bad’ one for obvious reasons, but the ‘bad’ equally hates the ‘good’ one because they hate everything.

    So it’s a cycle that I can’t predict. In the past when I’d post something one social media about feeling sad I’d get supportive messages and offers of help and that’s all very nice, but as soon as I get them I feel ridiculous about having posted anything in the first place because there isn’t anything concrete in my life that I can pinpoint. If I can’t explain why I feel this way (and how to make it go away) how can I expect anyone else to help? So usually I just downplay it and say I was just feeling down in the moment, which I guess it technically true.

    Then the cycle repeats, and increasingly I realise I can’t keep being ‘sad’ around people. It’s not a problem that can be solved with a hug and a band-aid. It’s something that’s always going to lurk in the background just waiting to surface and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

    People are drawn towards positive people – so many advice lists on how to be happy would include cutting negative people out of your life – and I don’t want to be that negative person. Everyone knows that being lonely is sad but being sad is really lonely too.

    So you learn to stop bringing it up, because when you do people would want to know if you feel better – which of course is lovely of them, but often I can say I do feel better (and I’d mean it, because the good days feel /really/ good). How many times would you be willing to put up with people who go through low mood periods before you decide you don’t need that negativity in your life?

    I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to be that person. Being the way I am I don’t have a large social circle to begin with and I can’t afford to strip away at it. When I think about bringing it up I can hear a voice in the back of my head telling me that eventually, after talking about it too many times, the person I’m talking to is going to /want/ me to do it and just get it over and done with.

    Honestly, I don’t think /I’d/ want to put up with me, but since I’m inside my own head I have no choice. I feel like my psyche is so messed up I don’t even know how to get to the root of things.

    (In case anyone wants to suggest this: I’m not bipolar, the swings aren’t nearly severe enough to classified that way.)

    I’ve given therapy a try, but my inability to pinpoint what’s ‘wrong’ (like I said, there’s nothing external in my life that’s inherently bad) makes it nearly impossible to get anything across. It’s also incredibly expensive (either that or face a huge waiting list with no guarantee the therapist will be useful at all) so I’d rather not have the added financial stress.

    So after all that rambling, TLDR: I don’t talk about it because I don’t know why I feel like this, I know it’ll pass but I also know it’ll come back, and I’m scared of using up the patience of the people I still have around me.

    I honestly can’t tell if I’d ever go through with it (I’m in a ‘good’ mode right now, and like I said, they always feel genuine). You always hear people say that suicide is a selfish thing to do because of the people you hurt, but when I think about going through with it I’m convinced no one actually cares. I’m not sure if anyone will even notice to be honest. But I’d hate to think they’d feel relieved.

    Pretty sure I’ll feel ridiculous as soon as I post this too, but thank you for reading.

    1. Kate Daniels*

      Your post really resonated with me, especially the part about how people are always advising others to cut negative people out of their life. I really don’t want to be the “negative person,” so I frequently just hide how I feel, but this makes me feel more lonely and isolated. I also have a lot of anxiety, so I can’t “just calm down.”

      This week I had major ups and downs in emotions… Wednesday, I felt the lowest of low (under-appreciated at work, hopeless about everything in the news), but then the next day, I felt happy and hopeful (excited about the World Cup, good anticipation about a possible opportunity to make an additional income and travel each year). I think I need to go see someone, though, so I am going to spend the weekend investigating psychologists covered by my insurance plan.

      1. Washi*

        I’m sure there are people who just ruthlessly cut anyone who isn’t positive all the time out of their lives, but I actually feel the opposite – if someone is ONLY positive with me all the time and will never cop to feeling any negative emotions, I start to feel like we won’t ever be close friends because they’re not willing to enter the “I open up then you open up then I open up a little more etc” dance that leads to openness and vulnerability.

        If I’m frustrated with someone for being negative, it’s usually specifically that I feel like they aren’t interacting with me as a human, but as a character in a play they wrote, where they are telling me specific things and then I need to say my lines “it’s ok! you’re great! the other person was wrong!” I’d rather just be asked for affirmation or be told ‘I’m feeling really down on myself” than manipulated into it with constant tales of woe.

    2. nep*

      I’m sure no one would be relieved.
      (I, for one, don’t buy this idea that the one who takes her/his own life is being selfish. That seems to me a gross misunderstanding of what’s going on for that person in that moment.)
      Thanks for sharing all this. I just wrote to a friend earlier in the week–there are days I’m on top of the world and can take on anything and I’m very much at peace and content, and there are days it’s all I can do to walk out the door, so buried am I in self-doubt, sadness, frustration, exasperation.
      I’m sorry for your bad days and how bad it gets. One thing that helps me is to realise I am a presence watching the bad times and good times come and go. There’s something stable through all of it. I don’t quite know how to put it or if that makes any sense.
      Glad you reached out today. I wish you peace.

    3. mreasy*

      Hey. Sometimes we are all negative people. It’s really easy from a place of pain to presume that others are 100% one way (positive/happy) – but we all have bad days. And a lot of us (my bipolar self included) have a lot of them.

      Have you been to a psychiatrist? The dualism you’re describing makes me think you may have more than therapy alone should be asked to handle. I’m not suggesting you’re bipolar, but the swings you’re describing certainly don’t sound unfamiliar to me.

      Ultimately, it comes down to this: you are seeing yourself with an inaccurate and flawed filter. The bad days and bad moods just aren’t such a big deal to the people in your life who care about you. Just as you would be compassionate to a friend going through a rough patch or in a bad mood, they will do the same for you. We are all struggling with something, regardless of the brave front we present to the world.

      Even if you were the grouchiest jerk around, your life would still be valuable and worthwhile and there would be more people than you can imagine who would be devastated to lose you. As a person who recently lost a once-close acquaintance to suicide, I wish he had been able to see that.

      If you are considering self-harm, please don’t ruminate on this possibility. Call your therapist or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. Even if you disavow these thoughts later, they are something to take seriously in the moment.

      You’re not alone out there, and even strangers on the internet care that you’re feeling ok and that you care for yourself. Please send us updates, ok?

    4. Laika*

      You aren’t alone. :) The way you’ve described your moods here sound so familiar to me that I could’ve written it myself. I’ll have long periods of genuine happiness and optimism, and then for no apparent reason it will feel like someone pushes me into a deep, black void and I’m thrown into a dark depression that can last hours, days, or weeks – I try to keep track of the times I have a passing thought about suicide or self-harm and some days it’s near-constant. As I’ve gotten older I only have gotten better at recognizing that the feelings will pass, but not diminishing them altogether – but I’ve reached a point where I’ve recognized that these cycles are damaging (particularly for my relationships) and that I need to change. Since I can’t afford therapy right now, I’ve been reading Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman (as mentioned above), and recently finished The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman. Both books have helped a lot in reframing my negative thoughts and black moods. Despite the fact they’re branded as ‘self-help’ books, the focus is more about coming to terms with thought patterns. It’s essentially self-guided cognitive behavioural therapy for beginners, and I’m sure there’s plenty of other workbooks and reading out there, but these are the two that have helped me so far (imo The Antidote has a little more ‘fluff’ but made a perfect companion to Learned Optimism for exactly that reason).

      Learned Optimism especially has a wonderful section about how our internal dialogues fall on a scale of permanence (this thing will happen to me forever vs. it’s only temporary), pervasiveness (this thing will affect all aspects of my life vs. it’s of limited scope), and personalization (this thing was my fault vs. it was caused by some other [external] factor). When I’m in my blackest moods, I am utterly hopeless – every passing thought is some version of, “I am bad, I will be bad forever, my whole life is bad, and it’s all my fault”. Even just learning about the three different elements has helped me revisit these thoughts and consciously tweak them in some way, essentially editing them for permanence/pervasiveness/personalization. Even though it’s all an internal process, doing it has really helped alleviate some of the guilt I feel about “using up” the patience of my friends and family. My family and friends don’t get exasperated and impatient when I’m sad; they get exasperated and impatient when I try to convince them that I’m worthless, my sadness will never go away, that the world will be better without me, etc. So if you think reading something could help, I would definitely recommend the two books mentioned above.

      This turned into a much longer comment than I expected (and a little more peppy/”I did it and so can you!” than I intended), so I’ll stop here. But please know that you’re not alone in the way you feel. You know that your moods will pass, and that’s a strength, and if you want to start the long process of breaking the cycle, I genuinely believe that it’s possible. For what it’s worth from a stranger, I hope you find a little more peace in your life. :)

    5. nep*

      One other thing comes to mind–perhaps it’s not even about ‘being that person’…the negative one…but being OK with vulnerability and need; this might be refreshing and something other people in your life might need to see. It takes a certain kind of strength and stability to be vulnerable.
      Peace

    6. deesse877*

      When you say “not bipolar,” is that your evaluation or a professional one? Because there is more than one type, and no psychiatric disorder is ever as clear-cut as, say, measles. In particular, some versions have periodic lows with none of the extreme highs that one reads about in, for example, Kay Redfield Jamison’s autobiography.

      You may also want to look into physical illnesses, such as hormonal or thyroid issues, since those can also have a periodic pattern.

      Overall, my point is, if you’re really sure this comes out of nowhere, and it sounds like you are, it’s good to eliminate all somatic possibilities before taking it as a purely psychological phenomenon.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        yes, yes, yes. Slow heart rate can really alter people’s moods. Vitamin and mineral deficiencies can mess with our heads. Dehydration is a huge topic, did you know that people lose their minds because of dehydration? That comes right before death from dehydration.

        I used to go back and forth between good days and bad days, my own version and not meant to be a comparison to anyone else’s. I had a number of nutritional deficiencies and my eating habits were Lousy with a capital L. I was incredibly dehydrated to boot. So yes, yoyoing.

        The whole internal dialogue of “this is a problem” vs “this is not a problem” and all the sorting that goes with -it: This means it’s a problem. For our own health we need to be as even-keeled as possible. Crap happens in life and we get upset, that is normal. However, if life is mostly okay and we are still yoyoing that means something needs to be checked.

        Do you have recurring nightmares? I read in Ann Landers/Dear Abby decades ago that recurring nightmares means “get yourself to a doc for a full check up”. I have found that to be true in my own life.

        Perhaps you don’t have nightmares but you don’t sleep well either. Lack of sleep is another thing that muddies the thinking, it messes with our heads, just like you are showing here.

        Start with the basics. Good foods eaten in a timely manner each day, proper hydration, exercise/taking walks. Check the basics and see where that puts you.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I think you had a bad therapist. You do know your problem: it’s your moods. And therapy is the place where you work with your therapist to figure out why, but more importantly, develop skills to help you cope and feel better. You don’t have to have the answers before you walk in the door. Also, split personalities is a thing, but it’s extremely rare, usually resulting from severe trauma, and the dominant personality isn’t aware when other personalities are in charge. It’s more likely that your different moods have developed ingrained patterns of behavior and thinking that are at odds with each other and how you see yourself. I have anxiety and some of my anxiety patterns do almost seem like a different personality is at work. Also, your worry that you will use up people’s empathy sounds like anxiety talking. Most friends, and all of the ones worth keeping, want to help during the bad times, no matter how often they spring up. Think about if one of your friends had a job like your moods. Would you want to drop a friend because they complain every month at TPS report time? And even though you feel like a different person during your low moods, you have the same wonderful qualities as during your good moods. Your friends probably see that even if you don’t. If local resources won’t work would online therapy be possible? I’ve heard good things about woe bot. And I know there are others.

    8. tangerineRose*

      Have you thought about medication? If you’re dealing with depression, it can be cyclical (sometimes I feel OK/good; sometimes I feel overcome by “nothing matters”). It sounds like there’s nothing in your life that would cause the problems, so it could just be a physical thing (not enough seratonin or something) that needs medication.

      Remember, depression is a liar. People would be very upset if anything happened to you. Remember the feeling will pass.

      1. TardyTardis*

        Medication saved my life–I had ghastly sleep issues in peri and regular menopause (also post-partum). If I have decent sleep, I can face lots of things just fine. If not, not. Also, if you’re still the right age to need it, GET IRON. I was one of those 7-day stuck pig people, and iron really, really helped with that part. A good multivitamin with 18 mg. iron in it made a huge difference in my life, and I so wish I could write a letter to my younger self about this. Also, evening primrose oil for sleep issues is wonderful for me, and of course YMMV.

    9. Gatomon*

      The problem with the “think of the people you’ll hurt” argument (for me) is that when I’m feeling truly suicidal, I’ve already convinced myself no one cares or no one will miss me. So that always rings deeply false to me. And it doesn’t do anything to fix the pain that I’m in; if anything it will increase it and drive me closer towards suicide because I feel like there are 0 people who will be hurt if I’m gone. Part of the reason I always keep a pet around is because knowing there’s something that needs me here keeps me here in dark times.

      I missed the open thread last week, but I feel like part of it comes from risk. There’s a risk you open up and people are dismissive/reject your need for help, or try to help in entirely wrong ways (“just cheer up!” or “drink this juice blend!”) that make things worse, or that people overreact (“I feel sad today” = “GET GATOMON TO THE HOSPITAL AND TAKE ALL THE KNIVES AWAY HE’S GOING TO DO IT!”) We really don’t have any protocols for dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts in our society. Instead of asking what the depressed or suicidal person actually needs at that moment to help, we shove a bunch of solutions at them like they’re totally unaware of those options (exercise/diet/therapy/meds/hotlines) and then scold them for still having an issue when they aren’t instantly better.

      1. zora*

        Exactly, for me it’s even a step farther, I’m convinced it will be better for everyone if I’m not around, and they will eventually realize they are much better off. I feel like I’m hurting them more by being a burden on them. I can’t really think of suicide as being selfish, I know how hard it is when you are so sure that there isn’t any other choice right now.

    10. Anono-me*

      First, I want to say thank you very much for this post. I have lost way too many people to suicide, especially two very very dear friends. In addition to the feelings of grief, one of the things that always stayed with me, was the feeling that I had somehow failed both of my friends, by not seeing their suffering and by not being someone they felt like they could trust and rely onto talk to and ask for help. While I’ve tried to educate myself about suicide, that feeling of having been a bad friend as always stayed around. The way you just articulated a possible thought process, really resonates me. It helps.

      Second, I would like to address your comment about eliminating ‘negative’ people from one’s life. I always thought it refered to people who regularly said things like “You (Anono-me) are always so stupid and lazy. ” or were always mean to other people. I never really thought of it as referring to people who were dealing with hard or serious problems.

      As far as no one cares about you. It has been over 20 years and I still miss my friends.

    11. Miles*

      Why not use the good days to improve something in your life? It doesn’t need to be big, just something you can see and make a plan for, then get as far as you can with it, and pick it up again on the next good day, or “good enough” day. Of course you can always pick a new thing to improve if your priorities or perspective change(s) at any point.

      You won’t find that advice in self help books but it’s the best way to get out of a cycle of depression (and also in a way a pillar of every form of depression counseling/therapy I’ve ever experienced)

      1. TardyTardis*

        Yes, even in bad situations, there are almost always some minor changes you can make, even if it’s moving the phone to where you can reach it more easily. And I always felt so dumb when I realized I could do such things, like WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS YEARS AGO, but then realize that I’m doing it now, so I can’t be that horribly stupid.

    12. M.*

      For me, it’s the fact that no one shows up when I do reach out, so why would this time be any different? Why would I even bother to reach out again? It’s been shown time and time again that no one cares. I actually had a melt down last night talking my sister. We both agree, no one I know will “care” until after I’m already dead. I have a horrible new therapist that is Medicare approved, had to stop seeing my wonderful old one that has kept me alive for the past 3 years, because he can’t accept Medicare.

      My mental illness is such that I’m always on some level actively suicidal. Always, most likely since I was 8 years old. People don’t know how to live with someone that is always suicidal. And its stressful. I don’t blame people for not wanting to stick around.

    13. Courageous cat*

      In addition to what others are saying, here is my $0.02: if you can’t pinpoint something external that’s wrong, that’s very common with depression. And I think it frequently means that if talk therapy doesn’t help, medication will – if depression is truly just a chemical imbalance which is essentially “nothing externally wrong”, then the right medication will alleviate that. I’ve tried almost all SSRIs and it’s very much a matter of finding which one works for you, as each one is very different and plenty don’t work for certain people. But I’m always the better version of myself when I’ve been on Prozac. So I highly recommend giving it a try if you haven’t yet.

  13. Completely anon for this stupid rant*

    So yesterday I learned that a localization company made some pretty weird decisions when translating a game I’m playing right now.
    One character’s backstory involves coming from a seriously dysfunctional family (the only thing close to love he ever got was “study hard so you can become a doctor”, and one of the devs even said that he’d be a pretty normal person if not for his upbringing) which leads to a very significant line once you marry him and have a child with him: instead of saying “we’re going to make so many fun memories together”, he says “we’re going to make a loving family together”.
    In the English version, he apparently says “we’re going to make a big, productive family together”.
    I just…What? You literally took one of the most significant lines he ever says and changed it into THAT?
    Not to mention in the Japanese version he’s actually capable of talking like a normal human being, whereas the English version tries too hard to make him be science-y (which led to another line that I’m just not acknowledging the existence of and whoever thought it was a good idea to put that line in there needs to be spritzed with some water ASAP). So they took his character from “traumatized person slowly learning that love is an actual thing that can happen” (he at several times expresses surprise that good relationship are an actual thing) to “Hurr durr science-y science man doesn’t understand feels teeheehee”.
    I understand decisions need to be made when translating things, especially from Japanese to English, but is it so difficult to keep characters as they are instead of as what you think they should be?
    I’m legit contemplating getting a Japanese system and version of the game and learning Japanese just to see the differences between the versions.

    1. Completely anon for this stupid rant*

      Now that I think of it, I have the European version of the game. Might consider starting it up in Italian just to see how they did the localization thing.

    2. JRPG Fangirl*

      I also have issues with some localizations. I’m over 40 and I love these games, but sometimes I think the localizations teams ran it thru Google Translate and didn’t proofread. Reminds me of some stuff that came out in the late 90s that had really, really, terrible translations but are now considered “classics” by the JRPG crowd.

      Anyway, recently, enough fans complained about Ys VIII that they went back and patched a bunch of the translations for PS4, so I would say tweet to the company about it.

      …and yes, I realize that in one of these games I’d be the old hag you have to go get some stupid tool from to fix something to advance to the next town. :D

      1. Completely anon for this stupid rant*

        Thing is, if you run the Japanese text of this one through Google Translate you don’t even get anything close to the translation they gave us (at least not concerning these specific lines), so I’m really not sure where they got their ideas from. Also the game came out in 2017, so I doubt they’re gonna fix it at this point, considering Europe hasn’t even gotten the DLC yet with no word of it on the horizon (probably no one feels like translating 500 lines of dog puns into more than one language XD). Might send an e-mail to them anyway though, just to satisfy my own curiosity.
        Although I think they also did a sort of localization diary, I might look into that too.

        1. Alice*

          There is a video game with 500 dog puns? I am not a gamer but maybe I will have to reconsider!

          1. Completely anon for this stupid rant*

            Yep – Story of Seasons: Trio of Towns, which is a farming sim for the Nintendo 3DS (or 2DS, if you prefer to use that one). The DLC (paid in America, free in Japan but they made the base game more expensive and have a larger player base which allowed them to keep it “free”) adds Woofio the animal trainer (who you only encounter as a judge in the animal contests in the base game) as a bachelor. As his name suggests, he’s a guy in a dog suit with a general “animal mascot” persona (and there’s a very good reason for that which I won’t spoil because holy kibble his backstory is interesting). And, of course, tons of dog puns.
            And before anyone says Story of Seasons is a Harvest Moon rip-off: Story of Seasons IS Harvest Moon, but had to have a name change for legal reasons. Technically, any Harvest Moon game made after A New Beginning is a Harvest Moon rip-off.

            1. Bigglesworth*

              I didn’t know that! I dropped off the HM gaming scene in college and wondered why I couldn’t find any more games when I started looking recently. Now I know!

            2. Marathon Girl*

              Wow, can’t believe I’ve never heard of this game, it sounds great! Well, time to add to the ever increasing pile of games I want to play…

      2. Completely anon for this stupid rant*

        Although I suppose at the very least it’s not voice acting in an early Resident Evil game :P
        I suppose with some “classic” JRPGs the poor translation (I seem to recall one with the localization implying a side quest that didn’t actually exist?) is just as much part of the charm as the poor voice acting in those games.

        1. JRPG Fangirl*

          Agree on the charm of the terribad classic ones…some of my old school faves have the absolute worst translations.

    3. Hmmm*

      That’s annoying! Haven’t played harvest moon in years, but I used to like it. Do they let you play a character as lgbtq yet, or no?

    4. Mad Baggins*

      That sounds like some poor translation decisions combined with poor editing combined with a disconnect between dev team and translation team. I’m having trouble thinking of a Japanese phrase that bridges “loving family” and “productive family” (without making implied cultural values explicit, and I’m not even sure that decision makes sense based on your explanation). There is a website breaking down similar issues in Persona 5, which came to my mind.

      To your question “but is it so difficult to keep characters as they are instead of as what you think they should be?” well…yes. That’s what localization is, isn’t it? You have to take the experience a Japanese person has playing the game, and recreate that experience for an English speaker. Sometimes it makes sense to stick as close to the source material as possible, but a commercially successful localization usually aligns itself closer to the target reader/listener/viewer/player, not the source text. That doesn’t mean there won’t be mistakes or questionable decisions, but the idea that localizers can’t or shouldn’t make artistic changes in pursuit of that goal is counter to a lot of theory and common practice, in my experience.

  14. Moving to LA*

    I’m moving across the country in a couple weeks (for the thing we don’t discuss today!) Anyone have any tips for making the best of long solo road trips? I’m stopping to see friends along the way but driving by myself.
    Also is it crazy to move without an apartment lined up? Rather than rent sight unseen I figured I’d stay in a hotel for a few days while I find a place, but don’t know if that’s being too optimistic!

    1. Loopy*

      I’ve done a cross country solo trip twice. My advice is have options for entertainment- I had audio books and a huge variety of playlists, and people I could call and chat with at different times of day. I was driving 7-11 hours a day so breaking it up helped.

      Also one trip, all my friends made me their ideal road trip playlists and it was so so fun to go through them- they were so different and unexpected! Did love all of them but it was a great gift. If you know of any family or friends, I would maybe suggest this!

    2. Hobbitjedi*

      Oh my gosh, I would love to drive across the US alone.

      Load up all your favorite songs to play as loud as you want, and be that person who’s singing their heart out on the interstate. I have an entire 6 hour playlist of songs related to driving (“Life is a Highway” by Tom Cochrane, “Behind the Wheel” by Depeche Mode, et. al.)

      Stop at hokey tourist attractions (The World’s Largest Ball of String!) or if you have time/funds, spend a couple of days in a place you’re passing through and probably would never visit otherwise.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, I urge you to research and stop at bizarre roadside attractions. These are America’s treasures. Atlas Obscura and Roadside Attractions can be good resources for this. Take frequent breaks and appreciate the scenery when you can.

        Regarding LA, the hotel thing is a great idea! I used to live in West LA and Downtown, enjoyed them both although DTLA is changing a lot. Interesting things seem to be happening in the so called Arts District too. I would recommend that you do your best to minimize your commute, for the sake of sanity. With more time you’ll figure out the ways you like to get around and where you might like to live more. Driving is just a grind so protect yourself from it initially if you can–seriously think about living in K-town, then your “commuting” will be for social stuff. It is much more tolerable to drive an hour to see a friend than to do it every every day for work. :) We loved living in LA and hope you will enjoy exploring it!

        1. Anonymosity*

          God, I wish I could move to LA. We were talking about winter today and I am NOT looking forward to it again.

    3. Washi*

      Re: staying in a hotel (or Airbnb?) first – that actually makes more sense to me! I live in a city with a competitive rental market, and it can be hard getting an apartment from afar unless it’s in a huge building with constant openings. Plus you could have your perfect neighborhood all picked out and then realize when you get there that it’s not actually what you want. Good luck!

    4. Hellanon*

      LA is both enormous & really neighborhoody, so the best way to figure out where you want to live is definitely to plan to do some exploring before signing a lease. Where will your work be? I can maybe give you some suggestions, having lived in central LA for ages…

      1. Moving to LA*

        My work is in Koreatown, just south of Los Feliz. I’m thinking Silver Lake, maybe echo park? I welcome any advice- I’ve only been a couple times!

        1. Hellanon*

          Los Feliz/Silver Lake/Echo Park: expensive, lots to do, lots of young people, sort of the nexus for cool independent Los Angeles. (Alternate view: overrun with hipsters.) You can also look at Mid-City/Miracle Mile, which will be a bit quieter and features lots of great older buildings as well as newer developments. Closer to museums & transportation as well. Downtown is also an easy commute to K-Town and has its advantages. Slightly more distant: North Hollywood/Valley Village, West Adams, Angelino Heights. Best thing to do when you get here is to do some exploring – check out the bookshops & coffee house scene (Los Feliz & downtown have great independent bookstores), drive around, maybe do some bicycling or walking… get a feel for each area and look at what’s available as far as rentals. K-town has its own subway stops which is a huge advantage as far as commuting goes.

          Good luck! Have fun on your drive!

          1. Screenwriter Mom*

            Don’t forget Hollywood and Hollywood Hills. (Bronson Canyon, Beachwood Canyon, and the areas south of there.) Hollywood is going through what seems like a time-lapse sped-up building phase, with lots and lots of mixed-use apartments springing up almost overnight. It’s another super central neighborhood, right next to Koreatown, and less pricey than Silver Lake or Los Feliz proper.

            Another rapidly coming-up neighborhood, less expensive than Silver Lake or Echo Park, is Highland Park.

            If you don’t mind a bit more of a drive, Glendale is also very pleasant and affordable.

            My last thought is the Park LaBrea complex. Super convenient to just about everything, lots of singles and young families there now, tons of services available, right next to one of our most popular outside spaces, The Grove (movies, activities, events, shopping, and a friendly sense of community) and once they get the Wilshire line finished, it’ll be insanely convenient to working in K-Town. It’s also surprisingly affordable.

            OP, I also suggest, once you get here, joining “Next Door”–they not only constantly list apartments, but also temporary sublets which might be super helpful.

            Have fun! We’re having some great weather right now for you, and it’s a thriving, exciting, forward-propelling city! Enjoy your drive!

        2. Chaordic One*

          Just a bit farther away, but still on the Gold Line, is Pasadena. I really liked the Old Town Pasadena area. I liked Glendale, too, but it is quite quiet and a bit dull.

    5. Alex the Alchemist*

      I semi-regularly drive about 8 hours to see my parents, and I second Loopy’s recommendation for having a lot of entertainment. I usually take this as an opportunity to listen to all the podcasts I’ve gotten behind on recently (recommendations: “Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness,” “Risk!” (warning: can be very explicit but is very good), and Greg Proops’s “The Smartest Man in the World.”). I’m not as big a fan of audiobooks, but love podcasts because it feels like you’re chatting with friends who are on the trip with you, so you don’t feel quite as alone.

    6. Crafty*

      Angeleno here: I think your plan to move here and find a spot afterward is pretty smart (though it may take more than a few days). Even with the competitive market, there’s no moving season here so there are always lots of places available. My husband and I are about to move to a bigger place and even with lots of weird requirements (2 pit bulls, two-bed, outdoor, extra storage space, etc.) it only took us 3 weeks of looking to find the right thing for us. Other major advice is check the commute on Waze or Google Maps (one that takes traffic into account) during the exact time you would be traveling for work because there’s a big difference between the 405 at 2pm and the 405 at 4:30. Good luck from this Dodger fan :)

    7. PlantLady*

      I used to drive 9+ hours each way to visit family, and then last year my husband and I moved made a cross-country move…each of us in separate vehicles. Loading up on entertainment is my #1 recommendation (music got old for me after a while, but audio books and podcasts got me through.) The other thing I discovered was that I could only stave off the “sleep dips” one way – CONSTANT snacking! Unfortunately, I discovered this after we’d left, so was at the mercy of what I could find at gas stations and truck stops. 14oo miles of Gold Peak tea and bagged popcorn…ugh. But, I didn’t fall asleep behind the wheel, so it all worked out.

      Good luck on your move!

    8. Miles*

      Definitely wish I’d done that. Long term hotels exist for this kind of situation. another option is to research a bunch of places and schedule tours for all of them on the same day and visit the city for that day so you can pick the best

  15. Kate Daniels*

    What team are you rooting for during the World Cup? (Iceland here!) I really wish I were in Europe this summer instead of in the United States where it’s almost like people don’t care just because we failed to qualify!

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I’m rooting for Iceland too, despite my country’s team having made it. Mainly because 99% of our team has a massively overinflated ego. Seriously, it’s so bad NO COACH FROM OUR COUNTRY WANTED TO TAKE OVER when the previous coach “left”.
      Meanwhile, there’s the Icelanders, whose coach is a dentist (bet they all have good teeth) and who basically act like kids that get to go to the playground. I was rooting for them during the European Championship two years ago too – and was pleasantly surprised when they kicked England’s ass.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Yes! I love how the players have other jobs besides playing football and yet hold their own against the pro footballers. And they just all seem so excited and appreciative to be there instead of entitled like some other teams—their joy makes me really happy!

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Shame their commentator from the European Championship isn’t there this time – at one point he was so mad with joy his incoherent screaming could be heard on other comment lines XD

    2. Australia*

      This is my first time living a country that cares about football (England) while the World Cup is happening.

      I don’t support the home side, so this is going to be…interesting.

        1. London Calling*

          Oh really. Not sure where you get that from judging by coverage in the papers and the amount of St George’s flags around the place.

          1. heather*

            They make a good show of it, but they’ll be the first to turn against them the minute they do badly.

    3. Ruth (UK)*

      My workplace is doing a sweepstake (I think you use the term differently in the states though, maybe you’d call this a betting pool?) And I picked Senegal out of the hat so I might as well support them since it’s not like it’s worth supporting English anyway :D

      1. Claire*

        My mum got Senegal in the office sweepstake too, so that’s who were supporting.

        Although I’m Scottish, so the official answer is “whoever England are playing”.

        2. Foreign Octopus*

          I’m English and I always start laughing when I remember the time that Scotland and Germany were playing a match and the song that rose up in the stands was “we hate England more than you” and each side kept trying to sing it louder and louder so it was just a chorus of Scots and Germans singing their combined hatred of England together.

    5. NeverNicky*

      I’m half Scottish, half English and although I support the England cricket team (although not last weekend…) I support Scotland at football, if I give it any thought at all. I’m not a big football fan!

      Our office sweepstake has given me Peru and Iceland, good job it’s only for bragging rights. Although as I said to the organiser (and my very English boyfriend) I’ll last longer than England!

      2. LDN Layabout*

        Congrats to your boys for last weekend! (Seriously, I think half of the England fans were cheering you on. Our limited overs team is getting a little bit too comfortable…)

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Sweden, due to Other Half, which means we will will also have to ‘hate watch’ Denmark. Also cheering for Iceland because they don’t just try and hold on for a draw.

      Once Sweden are knocked out then I usually back Germany because I have distinct dislike for Brazil or Portugal.

      Unfortunately we have had all the goals spoiled by the cheering coming from the pubs in the area, usually a few seconds before our stream catches up with the action!

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Haha, oh man, that’s the worst! I was talking to someone on the phone this morning and found out that her cable TV is like eight seconds ahead of mind because she spoiled a goal for me!

    9. Loves Libraries*

      Germany. We will be on our river cruise next week. So excited to be in France when Les Bleus are playing and Germany when Die Mannschafft are playing. We have family in Germany so that’s why we are rooting for them. I plan on getting a team T-shirt and being really dorky about it.

    10. Parenthetically*

      My husband is Australian, so they’re our team, but I don’t know how long they’ll last. Husband is a World Cup fanatic, though, so even if/when Australia gets knocked out, we’ll be in it to the bitter end!

    11. Foreign Octopus*

      By dint of living in Spain and how seriously the Spanish take the sport, I’m supporting Spain. However, I’m doing this by only showing a passing interest in the sport and staying out of the bars when there’s a Spanish match on.

    13. Thlayli*

      Brazil. Purely because my DH got them in his work pool so he wins money if they win lol

      I’m not a big soccer fan – I heard a couple of colleagues talking about Russia preparing for Saudi Arabia the other day and my first thought was that a new war had started haha

    14. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Germany! Don’t have high hopes for a repeat but oh well.

      My eternal no 2 is Belgium because of family ties, but I also want Iceland to do well because honestly how can you not root for Iceland?

      On a general note, I’m so happy it’s World Cup time again – I love being able to watch football whenever I turn on the tv.

    15. JenM*

      Portugal. I want to watch Ronaldo lift the cup. I think he’s a great player and it’ll be fun to watch heads explode all over the world :)

  16. Money question*

    Looking for some advice/tips!

    My husband and I are trying to do better about saving money. I should actually say: my husband is. Out of the two of us, I am naturally frugal/cheap. But I would love any tips that people can share. It’s hard for me, because it just comes so naturally. It’s things I would never think need to be said. Like, a recent example.

    We were buying pizza for a family event. It happened to be on a Tuesday so the place had 2-for-1 Tuesday. But a coupon code had to be entered. My husband didn’t even check to see what deals/coupons were available. And he ordered and paid online, so when he picked it up, they had no idea and couldn’t suggest, “Oh, hey, you qualify for this coupon, do you want to apply it?”

    So I was just flabbergasted. I would never not check for a deal first. I wouldn’t even think to remind him to check that—of course you would. Please note, it’s not about the amount of money per se, but just that we’ve agreed to try and save.

    I’m not expecting him to always do a 30 minutes price check on all the online stores before buying anything, or drive around town (savings would probably be outweighed by gas anyway) or anything like that. Just the little things that can help save.

    So, my question is: Are there any tips that you have that help you save? Because when I try to think of something, I come up blank until he does something, and then I think, “Ooh, wouldn’t have done it that way.” And that’s not helpful and mostly I keep it to myself, since that just comes off as critical.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      This may seem a bit weird, but if cash is at all a possibility I recently read an article by someone who decided to use cash-only for a month (except for things like bills and taxes) to see how their budgeting was. They found that they spent less money when they actually had physical money in their hand rather than an abstract number on a card.
      Alternatively, you could try to set a weekly budget that he is not allowed to go over no matter what (like a pre-paid creditcard that can’t go below zero, perhaps?).
      Other than that, I don’t have any ideas at the moment but I might have some later.

      1. Miles*

        This is a generational thing. Most millenials learn how to always know their balance so the card works better than having to carry around a bunch of paper and zinc and also keep track of the sums without any resource where you can just see a number and know.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          I’m going to disagree. Some people, regardless of age, are simply less able to conceptualize money, and cash may be better for them. I will agree that younger generations have had more opportunity (in that it’s been part of their world all along) to learn how to conceptualize. People who are more borderline in their ability to think this way will be handicapped based on their age.

        2. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Yes, but you can still easily say “oh, it’s just one extra dollar/euro/whatever”, but they tend to add up. With cash (or even a prepaid credit card that cannot go below zero, if you prefer) you have that amount of money and that’s it.
          And, as Little Teapot already mentioned, not everyone is good at conceptualizing things. I know more than one person who grew up with this kind of tech that is regularly surprised by how much they spend.

      2. JKP*

        As a small business owner, I frequently have customers ask me if I’ll give them a discount for paying in cash, and I’ll knock a little off just cause they asked.

      3. Temperance*

        I’m the opposite. If I have cash, I’ll fritter it away on stupid stuff like gum and snacks.

        1. Red Reader*

          Yes. I don’t know where all the cash goes at the end of the day, but the electronic statement tells me exactly where I spent every penny and that’s usually enough to remind me (generally) what I spent it on.

    2. Ruth (UK)*

      This is something I’ve done since my first job when I was 16 but it helps me decide if something is worth the cost to me… So say I’m paid £10 an hour at my job and I see something I want that costs £40, I would say to myself: if someone asked me to work for them (doing what I do at my job) for 4 hours but they wouldn’t pay me, but they’d give me that thing instead, would I be happy (or would I rather get paid). It sounds like the answer would always obviously be the thing (if I’d have otherwise wanted to buy it) but it turns out it’s not, and it does help me stop and think about the cost of things compared to what I make / have available to spend. I still do this though I understand it would be trickier for people in salaried jobs etc. I know my hourly rate so I can do this still…

      1. SophieChotek*

        Yes I do something like this too. Or I think (since I get paid $10 an hour at the coffee shop), I would have to work X hours (accounting for tax deductions) to buy this thing/go to this event — do I want to try to pick up that many hours? Would I still be glad I worked this X hours to buy Y thing.

        I agree – sometimes when I think — I would have to work X hours and only get Y….I decide I don’t need it then.

      2. Lynne*

        I’ve done that hourly-rate thing too and I think it can be really helpful in getting spending down. I don’t use simple income for this, though, because that can inflate my idea of how much money I *really* have available. Instead, I think of my net income after subtracting taxes AND required expenses, because it’s closer to the actual amount I have available for discretionary spending.

        For example, let’s say I make $20/hour, and on the surface, it doesn’t seem too bad to trade two hours’ working time for that $40 item I don’t really need. But! In this scenario my real income is probably $16/hour after taxes. And if I’m paying, oh, $1500/month for housing and transportation (or insert whatever you want here as your obligatory bills*), then maybe I’m down to $7/hour left that’s…truly discretionary. All of a sudden that $40 discretionary item is going to take SIX hours of my working time, and maybe looks much less attractive.

        *In my version of this calculation, I actually do include basic amounts for variable expenses like food, because that’s still a required expense even though it’s variable. Food expenses beyond that basic amount are discretionary, however, so fall into the category of things that should get this level of scrutiny when I’m deciding whether buying them is worth it to me.

        This kind of thinking has significantly modified my behaviour and boosted my savings. YMMV, but I highly recommend sitting down and doing the calculation for yourself of your net hourly rate after subtracting core expenses – it can be quite eye-opening. If you’re salaried and your hours vary, just take an average number of hours and divide your compensation by that; the calculation doesn’t need to be perfectly exact to be effective.

      3. Thlayli*

        When I was a penniless student I used to translate things into the cost of a pint of beer. So like “I can have this, or 4 pints of beer, which would I prefer?”

    3. KatieKate*

      I wonder if it would help at all for you two to check in with each other before you buy anything. That way there can be reminders about coupons, or “honey wait don’t buy more pasta we already have some.” Plus, if you have to call your partner every time you want a Starbucks it may be easier just to drink from the office pot

    4. Jessen*

      If you’re ordering online, there are a couple of apps out there that will automatically search for coupons for that website and tell you what they are. That can make it a lot easier for people like him – all you have to do at most is click a button to find what’s out there.

      1. Alex the Alchemist*

        Seconding this! I use Honey and EBates on Google Chrome (the latter doesn’t really give coupon codes, but the cash back is a helpful bonus), and they’ve been super helpful, especially because they both pop up with reminders for when you’re ordering from a site where you can save money.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You could also try both being on an allowance for “fun” stuff that’s in cash. Say you get $100 or whatever the amount per week is and you can spend it however you want no questions asked – Frappuccinos, movie, lunch out, etc. but when you or hubby use up your money, you are done. No credit card, online or whatever purchases for that period. That way you have to budget for your “toys” whatever those might be, not including regular expenses like rent/mortgage, groceries, gas money, utilities…

    6. Ali G*

      The best way to save money is automatic transfers to a savings account. It’s money you never see so you can’t spend it. Sit down and make a budget and then take a portion of you extra income and set up an automatic monthly payment for that amount to transfer into a savings account.

    7. Victoria, Please*

      Pick your battles and make sure you are okay on the big stuff first. It doesn’t help to save $2 on a pizza if you don’t very carefully consider and shop around for the best price on an expensive permanent appliance.

      You say that you’ve “agreed to try and save.” That’s not very specific, so I wonder if it would help to create a list of actionable changes to work on, maybe one week at a time so it’s not overwhelming? This week it’s “make sure we check for coupons.” Next week it’s “follow the grocery list to the tee.”

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree with this. Unless there’s a plan in place with some specific action items, it’s going to be tough to really put things into action on your husband’s side. I think for a lot of people, my husband included (and sometimes myself), it would never cross their mind to look for a deal or a $2.00 coupon. Probably because it can seem like such an insignificant amount. Shopping for deals is part of who you are and is always on your radar, whereas it’s for him. You’ll likely need to help him out in the department.

        1. LCL*

          Yes! I wanted to post something like this but you said it better. They way I look at it is I do all of the my savings in the planning part of my life, before I buy things. I don’t buy a new car every two years, though I would like to. We got a mortgage we could afford, and chose a place substantially under what we qualified for. When I make a big purchase, I browse online to get an idea of prices. It wouldn’t occur to me to ask about a coupon or two dollar savings, even though I know people that make this a way of life can save a lot of money. It’s just too much effort. Also, some families (not all! experiences vary widely!) teach that it is a point of pride to just go and buy something, and to haggle or try to bargain on things that one doesn’t usually bargain for is disgraceful.

    8. gecko*

      That does sound frustrating—it can be really annoying to watch someone not be good at something that you’re good at.

      You already know that coming in with a bunch of suggestions is going to come off as pretty critical and unpleasant. What I’d suggest is basically…abandon the idea that he’s going to remember to use all the little tricks that you use. Instead, maybe set savings goals and a budget together—though that involves being ok with the fact that you might run up against the edges of the budget a little faster.

      I mean, the alternative is being the CFO of the relationship and managing him like he’s a beloved but not-competent employee. And while plenty of healthy relationships do work that way, idk how pleasant it sounds to me

    9. Sunflower*

      I think you are running into issues of people just being different. It’s like how some people notice and are bothered by clutter more than others.

      The thing with saving money is there isn’t any tips or magic. When I paid off my student loans. Everyone wanted to know the one secret that they could implement that would help them. The secret is not spending money. I don’t think you should harp on the coupon thing – mostly because I think people focus on how to make x a few bucks cheaper (like use a coupon) and not how to not buy x.

      I would make a savings goal every months, and not worry too much about how much you spend as long as you make the goal. I would also start scrutinizing purchase more – like do you order take out when tired? Maybe work on freezer meals. Not to say buying pizza for a family event is an issue or anything, but you will save significantly more if you either eliminate expenses. You will also avoid these value judgement issues if you just have a savings goal and don’t sweat the details.

    10. CatCat*

      I like to read blogs that are oriented toward frugality. I like Two Cents and Lifehacker, Mr. Money Mustache, and The Simple Dollar. I know Frugalwoods is another popular one. The blogs can be helpful to learn how other people do things.

      For money management, I’ve used “You Need a Budget” (YNAB) for many years and it is awesome. You categorize all your money (or in YNAB lingo give all your dollars a job). So some dollars will have the job of saving for something while other dollars will have the job of being spent on something like groceries or eating out. There’s an app, which makes it super simple to check category balances before you spend. For example, you can check the grocery category and if you have $20, you can decide from there what makes sense like buying some staple foods instead of specialty items.

    11. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m the saver and the frugal one and my boyfriend also tends to have an easier time spending money than I do.

      Both of us grew up in homes with tight finances, but we have different reactions. He tends to want to buy stuff without worrying because his family couldn’t do that when he was young and he wants to enjoy spending money while he can. I tend to a more must have a savings, jobs can just evaporate at any time mindset.

      Lately though boyfriend has (entirely of his own idea) started making an effort to save more. He has student loans to pay off and we’re making long term plans.

      Things that are helpful to him — listening to Dave Ramsey, leaving his credit card at home, only using his debit card for most shopping. Taking out a certain amount of cash each week for gas (gas station food is his weakness).

      I am the couponer. When we talk about going out to eat, I’ll tell him the places I have coupons for and he’ll choose from those. I’ve also taught him about open box items (he saved $200 on the 3D printer he wanted) and shopping at Aldi instead of Walmart.

    13. Natalie*

      I can’t really tell from the way you’ve phrased things – is this actually something he wants to do, or is it something you want him to do? And is this something you actually need to do because you’re not living within your means, or is it just something you feel is “better”?

      It’s perfectly fine that couponing or getting deals is something you enjoy and want to do, but (again, assuming you’re living within your means) it’s not actually something everyone has to do. I don’t – I decided a long time ago that the effort involved in clipping coupons and going to 4 grocery stores isn’t worth it to me, so I go to 2 stores and call it a day. If I missed out on $5 of savings available, well, so be it. Can’t optimize everything.

    14. HannahS*

      I think if it’s something he wants to do, he needs to clarify what his goals are–saving money sounds great, but it’s not a plan. Is he thinking frugality along the lines of lowering your fixed expenses, or cutting down on daily spending, or impulse buys of things you don’t really need, or the grocery list? Personally, I’m not a coupon-er, and I’m ok-but-not-stellar at shopping for deals–I’d rather just shop less, eat out less, etc. But I started tracking my spending and dividing it into categories, and my goal for this year is to reduce spending in two categories: hobbies, by using up some of the bins of fabric stored under my bed, and what I call “asocial food” which are meals I buy because I failed to meal plan appropriately (as opposed to going out with friends, which I don’t feel I spend overmuch on), by meal planning and meal prepping. This plan looks different from other of my frugal friends, but it works for me.

    15. Miles*

      I found that avoiding brands that do coupons works better for me for saving money, unless it’s something where I really can’t do without the extra bling of the premium brand

      1. Nicole76*

        I’ve noticed the same thing because even with a coupon the “generic” brand is still cheaper than the name brand. I’m game for always trying the private label item once to see whether it’s comparable. It often is and I save money without negatively impacting my happiness. If not, then no harm done. It’s a good way to spend less on things that don’t matter so you can save more.

        Also, for the OP, maybe after your husband does the shopping you can check apps like ibotta to see if any purchases match to a deal? That way he doesn’t have to worry about it but you still get the savings benefits.

    16. oldbiddy*

      Figure out each of your weaknesses and be creative about how to compensate. My husband’s weakness is the dollar store and random stuff he orders from meh.com. Mine is picking up too much stuff if I go to Target for just one or two things. I’ve learned it’s better to get the random Target things at the grocery store even if they do cost a dollar or two more. The dollar store is under new management and isn’t as fun, so that helped too.

    17. TardyTardis*

      I do most of the major bill paying, which helps, but we also have a certain amount of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell money, that we can spend on any stupid thing we feel like (Candy Crush gold bars, I’m looking at you). That way, he’s free of any judgment about how he spends that money. Also, we split up the mutual money into Hungry Hungry Hippo (money we’re locked into spending, like power bills etc.), the Dead Water Heater Fund, the Bright Shiny money, and Break Glass In Case Of Emergency money. This doesn’t actually address the impulse purchase money, but if you have a budget specifically for it, then it may not bother you as much if he goes for stuff without checking for coupons.

    18. Dan*

      I found I spent more money chasing coupond and going to Costco than I was “saving”, so I stopped doing both.

      I focus on the big things – cars, rent, etc. I don’t sweat the small stuff.

    19. Ginger ale for all*

      Know your size in your favorite brands and check eBay on a regular basis for clothes. I love modcloth brand Bea & Dot but I don’t love the prices until they hit eBay. I set a price limit when I am on the site and I think over my bid for 24 hours before I commit.

    20. Rezia*

      My husband is not a saver in the same way I am. What’s worked for us is using YNAB, which a budgeting app. What I like about it is that it’s proactive, not retroactive, i.e. you budget for the next month instead of realizing at the end of the month you spent more than you had meant to. I set the budget (with his agreement), which goes into categories, e.g. $X for groceries, $Y for eating out, we also each get $Z per month for personal, no-questions-asked spending.
      Every time we make a purchase, we log it on our phones. It seems like a lot of effort, but it soon becomes second nature. You can do it in the time it takes for the credit card reader to scan the chip. I’ve found that action helps me be more conscious of my spending– I’ll notice, hey, we’re down to $50 for eating out this month, and we’ll adjust accordingly, or I’ll be at the grocery store contemplating buying fancy cheese and I’ll check the app to see how we’re doing before putting it in my basket.
      What I like about this is that I’ve set the budget so I don’t have to feel guilty about the fancy cheese when I do buy it! It helps me not stress each individual transaction, so long as I’m staying within my limits for the month.

  17. Loopy*

    Okay, I promise this in’t about work. I’m transitioning from one stressful job to another potentially stressful-at-first job. I’d like to talk about the weekend between jobs.

    My worry is coming in burnt out and anxious. I’d like to take the weekend before and clear it of obligations (if i can manage that) so I can take a deep breath and focus on me. A weekend is probably not enough, but it’s what I have. My questions for the group are: what can I do to feel organized for the week ahead? I’m thinking of meal prepping but I don’t know the fridge situation so I’m trying to com up with make ahead, non-refrigerated, vegetarian options. Any ideas out there?

    Also I’m thinking of cleaning the house, laying out outfits ahead of time, anything else I can do to be as prepped and organized as possible to help with the next week? I’m also minutes away from buying the season of Great British Bake Off not on Netflix… so I’ll be relaxing in-between prep.

    1. Loopy*

      ack to be clear, meal prep was referring specifically to lunches, but dinner ideas also welcome if they are crazy low effort :)

      1. Rosemary7391*

        For lunches, if I’m low on time I’m known to get a bunch of little bits and call it a meal. So a handful of dried fruit/nuts, a bag of crisps, a fruit and nut bar. I wouldn’t make sandwiches in advance, but I do take crispbreads and a mini pot of peanut butter. I often do boiled eggs and bits of cheese too – have you got a cool bag and a little freezer pack? Even if there is no fridge that should keep things cool. Cup soups and pastas are also useful things.

        1. Loopy*

          I’m always so nervous relying on a ice pack for what’s usually a 6 hour period at least. Does a standard one keep something like hummus safe for that long?? Also the ones I have are bulky and take up so much space! Do you have a recommendation for a flexible or small one? :)

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I’m probably the exception here, but I wouldn’t worry about hummus in an ice pack at all. To me, it’s not like it’s eggs or meat. I’ve kept it out on my desk all day with no issues.

            1. Loopy*

              I tend to play it *absurdly* safe with refrigerating foods and now I kind of wishI had more time to test out something like hummus, but the first week of a new job is probably not the best time!

              I had a coworker who wouldn’t refrigerate yogurt from when she left for work until lunch. She was always fine but I still am too nervous to do that!

              1. The Other Dawn*

                Eh, yogurt that isn’t refrigerated from early morning until late afternoon would get the side-eye from me, too. I did it once by accident, and I worried for a couple hours as to whether I’d get sick or not. It was fine, but I wouldn’t do that regularly with yogurt. But hummus, yeah, I wouldn’t blink an eye at leaving it out most of the day (not for multiple days, though, or overnight).

              2. Snazzy Hat*

                My partner and I sometimes freeze yogurt overnight, so when we put it in our lunch bags it’s still partly frozen by the time we have lunch.

          2. Rosemary7391*

            I just have a no name cool bag from the supermarket. And I don’t normally use an ice block either actually! And I’m not vegetarian. Sometimes I take something frozen and let it defrost until lunch, then microwave. I have no experience with hummus though. .

            Bear in mind that, if I remember rightly, food handling regulations in the UK allow for food to be out of the fridge for an hour whilst you’re doing stuff with it (sooner is better ofc, but that’s the limit). So 6 hours in a cool bag should be fine unless you’re somewhere really hot. But you could get a wee thermometer and pop it in the bag if you’re concerned, so you know how cool it is?

            Forgot my other trick – take hot food in a food flask. That should also work for 6 hours if you preheat the flash. I heat the food up as hot as it’ll go and it’s still steaming by lunchtime.

            1. Loopy*

              I’m hoping it’ll be fine. I have a no name lunch bag that’s probably not the best insulation. Pondering if it’s worth getting a really nice insulated lunch bag… I haven’t bought one in years.

              1. TardyTardis*

                A good insulated lunch bag is worth the investment in peace of mind. My husband’s a diabetic, and we had to keep his meds cool while flying (also easy for Homeland Security to inspect) and so between the insulated lunch bag and the cool pack, his meds stayed nice and cool for the whole trip.

                1. Loopy*

                  Thanks- I’ve been poking around Amazon and think I’m going to get a better one with some slim cool packs meant for lunch boxes.

    2. WellRed*

      This is pretty much everything I would do. I’d also add, any little errands or bill paying or filing. If you feel you might not feel like making dinner after a stressful day, would be good to have some quick stuff in hand.

      1. Loopy*

        I’ll have to maybe splurge on stocking the freezer! And plan out any errands for this week. The free weekend is next weekend so I can spread errands out prior to it, fortunately.

    3. Katherine Vigneras*

      I did the same thing recently – ended on a Friday and started a new gig on Monday. I got myself a hot stone massage to release the last stress of my old job (A+ idea, will repeat) and made sure that my kitchen and bathroom were clean and laundry done.

      1. Loopy*

        I wish I liked massages!!! I don’t really have a relaxation/treat go-to for times like this!

        I do need to do some cleaning. That’s been weighing on me a bit!

    4. Jess R.*

      Various kinds of prep are good, but so is some time to breathe. What’s your style of rest and restoration? Can you go spend a few hours sitting by a lake? People watching in a mall? Going to a friend’s house for dinner? Going to church?

      1. Loopy*

        Usually just having free time to putter around the house and not *having* to go out is my favorite form of relaxation. I don’t mind vaccuuming or doing laundry as long as I can luxuriate in doing it at a slow, leisurely pace. So I called off from my volunteering I usually do Saturday mornings. I was honest with them that it was a transition period and I just needed extra time to get things done next weekend. I hope they didn’t mind too much. I felt bad but I really am looking forward to have the extra 5 hours just OPEN!

    5. SpellingBee*

      Wait – what? GBBO not on Netflix? Is this the first season, or the latest, and where are you getting it??!? Huge fan and have watched all the Netflix seasons already. Share, please!

      Oh, and I would absolutely clean the house and figure out an outfit for each day. So nice to come home tired from a new job to a clean and tidy house, and also not to have to fret in the morning about what to wear. In fact when I was working (am retired now) I used to plan my wardrobe every week, so I wouldn’t stand in front of the closet in my morning brain fog trying to decide.

      1. Loopy*

        So last time I watched, they only had four seasons. Today after I posted,Google told me it’s up to all seven seasons, so I guess I am not buying any DVDs after all! Sorry for the false hope. I’m assuming you’ve watched all seven? I haven’t actually checked to confirm that…

        I always have at least the next days outfit put out, but I’m thinking of having the whole darn week lined up! Saves so much time.

        1. SpellingBee*

          No, I think I’ve also only seen 4 (although it’s been awhile). So a provisional yay, I will check. Thank you! And good luck with the new job, by the way.

          1. Loopy*

            I was looking at a UK site. So disappointing. Sorry! Off to search on Amazon now for season 5-7 and see if they are there!

      2. TardyTardis*

        Yes, I did that too–as I took the hang up clothes out of the dryer, I would pair them up on a hanger so all I had to do in the mornings was to grab the outfit.

    6. HannahS*

      I generally don’t worry about food safety at work if we’re talking vegetarian options–especially if we take away mayo. This week my meal prep meal was brown rice with a salad on top–chopped up cabbage and carrots with black beans and green onions, and lime-cilantro dressing. Super good and filling, and I didn’t worry about leaving it in my bag, and it also wouldn’t get soggy and gross if it was next to an ice pack.

      My favourite meal salads are mix-and-match and look like this:
      protein–black beans, chickpeas, baked tofu cubes
      a carb base–brown rice, quinoa, potatoes
      lots crunchy vegetables–cabbage, radish, carrot, cucumber
      herby things–parsley, cilantro, green onion
      lots of flavourful dressing (because it has to cover the carb as well): miso-ginger, lime-cilantro, balsamic

      I find that if I make it on Sunday it’ll keep the whole week in the fridge.

      1. Loopy*

        I’ve never thought of carb based salads. All my salads are the traditional kind. I’ll have to look into some more grain- type salads!

        1. AcademiaNut*

          These make good options, and don’t need to be refrigerated for lunch. I’m fond of chickpea salad – chickpeas, tomato, celery, onion, parsley or mint, lemon juice and olive oil, some feta cheese if you want.

          You can also use pasta for the carbs, or cooked barley, or check out Asian grains (I’m fond of Job’s tears – very hearty, as well as millet and buckwheat (aka soba).)

          For dressings, I like a home-made miso-lemon one. Lemon juice, miso, olive oil, lots of black pepper. You can also use yoghurt based dressings (they will keep find until lunch), and get creative with blended dressings – mix up yoghurt with something like pesto, or harissa, or a handful of fresh herbs plus some lemon juice

          Another option is to make yourself a big pot of a hearty vegetable and bean soup, and take a thermos of that every day, plus some crackers and cheese and a piece of fruit.

          As far as food safety goes, I honestly wouldn’t worry about anything vegetarian between the time you leave for work and eat lunch, unless it’s sitting in a hot car all morning.

  18. Washi*

    So I have a very dear friend who has always had a lot of anxiety (she has always waffled about therapy mainly because it’s stigmatized in our ethnic group and particularly by her husband.) Now she and her husband are trying to have a baby, and she is freaking out particularly about what things have chemicals that could cause birth defects. I love her and I don’t mind listening to a lot of the other things she’s anxious about, but for some reason I CANNOT with the constant stream of “my doctor said which pre-natal vitamins I take doesn’t matter but this one has this amount of vitamin A and also food has vitamin A so what if end up with more than the recommended amount…”

    The one other I set a boundary/noted that I didn’t love something about what she was doing, she then needed reassurance for weeks that I still liked her, etc and she would make constant comments like “I was about to say X but I know you don’t like that so I’ll just shut up now.” So I’m wondering if folks have advice about how to phrase a request to seriously curb the scary chemicals rants but also not have weeks of reassurance about whether I like her? If I want to be a good friend should I just suck it up? (fwiw I have anxiety as well but it presents very differently)

    1. Rahera*

      Hi, Captain Awkward has lots of helpful scripts and advice about boundaries. I would recommend having a look through her archive. at captainawkward dot com.

      Good luck, I think you have every right to kindly and caringly set a boundary on this subject.

    2. Marthooh*

      When something comes up in conversation that I don’t want to talk about, I’m a big fan of changing the subject. You may find it worth the trouble to write down a list of subjects that are non-baby-vitamin-related. Like, your friend tells you she’s not going to talk about chemicals because you hate all mention of chemicals, but do you still like her in spite of the chemicals? You say “Great! By the way, I just started to learn to crochet…” or any topic that seems interesting.

      I’m sorry, your friend sounds exhausting.

    3. Jack Be Nimble*

      You might have better luck redirecting her then by asking her to knock it off, especially if she’s got a history of being passive aggressive in response!

      If you said something like “Well, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor!/That sounds like a question for your OBGYN!” and then cheerily changed the subject, do you think she’d take the bait? You might could listen for a bit and then try to change the subject so she doesn’t feel shut down.

      I feel for her, though, it took me a loooong time to get to therapy (even though I desperately needed it!) because of stigma.

      1. Washi*

        Yeah, based on the responses so far, maybe I just need to be better about aggressively changing the subject! And maybe thinking of some good subject changes ahead of time, because sometimes I sort of freeze and can’t think of anything else to say.

        Partly my hesitation is that I’m working on being more honest with people, but this may be a time when practicality comes before honesty. And partly it’s that I would want to know if I was annoying someone, but again, maybe that’s just not helpful here.

        1. zora*

          Yeah, I get why you are working on that, but in this case, she is anxious AND hormonal, so honesty is really not going to help the situation here. So, think of this as an exception to your plan, at least until the baby is born. ;)

    4. Thursday Next*

      It really does sound like anxiety run amok. Trying to get pregnant just gives her new sources and outlets for it. I’d be exhausted listening to it as well.

      Others here have suggested the “this is not my wheelhouse” + subject change. (Sounds like a question for your OB! So I JUST watched the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and…)

      IF you’re so inclined, you could pick a moment when she’s not anxious, and have a conversation about it: Friend, you’ve been expressing a lot of anxiety around birth defects and your diet. I’m not an expert, but it seems like you have a lot more anxiety than what is typical. I think it would be helpful to talk to someone, so when you get pregnant, you can have a less stressed pregnancy and enter motherhood with less anxiety.

      Frame it around potential pregnancy, not her history of anxiety. And if you choose this route, you get to say it only once. But if you don’t want to have this conversation, that’s fine too—it’s not on you to fix this.

      1. Washi*

        Yeah, I think I need to have some sort of script like that in my back pocket because I think it’s likely that at some point she’ll notice how quickly I change the subject when she wants to talk about scary chemicals, and a good chance she will ask me about it.

    5. oldbiddy*

      I’m a chemist and live in a crunchy granola college town. You can imagine all the ‘scary chemicals’ talk I hear….
      I like everyone else’s advice about changing the subject/suggesting she ask her OB/GYN, but if that doesn’t work you could try giving her the ‘everything is chemicals’ line and the ‘moderation/common sense in all things’ line. This is not what she wants to hear but maybe she will decide you’re not a sympathetic audience re chemicals without taking it personally. I use when I’m trying to get someone to STFU about scary chemicals and it usually works.

  19. Australia*

    What’s the etiquette of going to a housewarming for people you don’t know?
    I have a new neighbour and they slipped a note under my door to give a heads-up about their housewarming tonight and added I should drop by so we can get to know each other. I’m not sure whether I’d go but if I do should I bring something? If so what’s appropriate?

    1. Washi*

      My safe options are usually Woodchuck cider (unusual but generally well-liked alcohol, I’m originally from Vermont so it’s a conversation starter) or some homemade cookies that they can put out or eat later.

      I don’t think you absolutely have to bring anything, but if you would like to return the Overture of Friendship I think it would help!

    2. Katherine Vigneras*

      Something to share (cookies, brownies, beer) or flowers (maybe a plant since you won’t want them to be scrambling for a vase.)

    3. heckofabecca*

      If you do go and want to avoid food in case of potential allergies… a gift card to a local store/restaurant you like that new arrivals might not be familiar with? I hope your new neighbors are great!

      1. WellRed*

        I’d be uncomfortable receiving this. They probably just really want to meet and be neighborly. Food or wine or a plant.

    4. Totally Minnie*

      I’d go with cookies (no nuts, in case of allergies) or a houseplant. I was raised in a super conservative religious culture that forbade alcohol, so I’d probably skip the beer or wine just in case they’re opposed to it.

    5. Amaryllis*

      A succulent. It doesn’t make pollen, it’s easy to care for, and you can pick up a cute little varietal dishgarden at Lowes/Home Depot/etc.

      Taking food always risks allergies/religious requirements/dislikes.

    6. Screenwriter Mom*

      It sounds like they’re making a friendly “Hi, we want to get along with you” overture and so, for you, showing up with a small token says “Hi, we do too! Welcome!” You only have to drop by for a few minutes and say hi, and bring a small token (something easy for you to get at the grocery store, such as a nice box of iced cookies, or flowers, or a small pot of herbs). It’s the gesture that’s important.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I invited my neighbors to my housewarming. A good chuck of it was out front on the lawn, and it was a wander by and say hi thing. Neighbors didn’t give any gifts. As long as you’re friendly and welcoming, generally chat pleasantly with other people, you’re good. Don’t over stay your welcome of course!

    9. Logan*

      Around here, an invitation to a neighbor’s housewarming is usually “This party might be noisy / go late, but if we invite our neighbors then they won’t complain about us to bylaw.”
      The neighbors are genuinely welcome, but aren’t expected to bring anything.

  20. Minime*

    Hello! I posted a version of this question a few weeks ago and people seemed to enjoy it but anted more “rules” so here it is again, a little expanded:

    What if you were sitting in your office and realized that every time you clicked a certain pen, the person closest to you shrunk down to 2 inches tall (big sized!)?

    A few clarifying rules:
    1. They don’t know YOU are responsible for their new, diminutive lives.

    2. It’s not reversible.

    How would you have fun with your new power? Would you keep some as pets? Would any be introduced to the bottom of your shoes? It would make going to work a lot more exciting!

    3. Not All Who Wander*

      and *click*! Creepy, harassing, misogynistic dudes from the 2nd floor become dog snacks! And every woman in the building under the age of 70 can safely bend down to pick something up for the first time in years. I like this magic pen!

    4. Anonymosity*

      This reminds me of that episode of SpongeBob where they shrunk Squidward with the shrink ray.

    5. Thlayli*

      Is the power confined to one day and to the office? If not, Instead of murdering annoying office mates I would devote my time and attention to Shrinking and possibly killing bad guys.

      1. Not All Who Wander*

        Yes, a walk through the halls of Congress and the White House would be excellent!!!!

  21. Cupcake for Breakfast*

    An incident from my high school years has been playing through my head recently and I’m curious to ask your opinion.

    My family hosted new cadets to the local military school for many years, the hosting program extended to cadets with families out of town, connecting them to local families as a homey off-campus place to go and unwind. We’ve had many cadets and their friends over to our house over the years and there was only one time we ever ran into a problem, which comes the incident.

    My family and I were going out of town for a two week vacation. My parents told our two cadets that they couldn’t come over to the house while we were gone; to wait until we returned. My aunt (mom’s sister) housesat for us, not staying there all two weeks but checking in on the house and collecting the mail every other day; all of our pets were in the kennels. When we returned from our vacation, my aunt was waiting for us, which was odd. It turned out she was there to warn us what we would see inside: broken stereo and TV, my parents’ expensive wine gone, multiple steaks and other meats defrost and gone from the freezer, and bags upon bags of trash by our bins.

    The two cadets we sponsored, again who were told not to come over but knew we left our house unlocked, had thrown a party at our house. They had apparently invited a whole bunch of friends, drank my parents alcohol, defrosted and ate/tossed our stockpiled frozen meat, had sex in most of the beds in the house (including the beds of my two younger siblings), and generally trashed the house. My aunt happened to come by the afternoon of the party, and found the cadets there. Knowing that my parents had told the cadets not to come over while we were gone, she confronted them and the cadets lied, saying my parents knew they were there and were okay with the party. My aunt didn’t call the police or try to force the issue; she just left and came the next day to clean up the worst of the mess.

    That first night was awful. My mom cried, saying she felt violated in her own home. We left the house and stayed in a local hotel that night, so my parents could figure out where to go from there.

    Here’s where the dilemma comes in. I wasn’t involved in the talks about what to do about our cadets; my parents handled that. But I know there was a lot of discussion about whether to tell the Academy. My mom wanted to do so but my dad said to tell the school could get the cadets suspended or even expelled. My father was more sympathetic because he did a lot of stupid stuff when he was the age of the cadets (oh the stories he’s told us) and he didn’t want to ruin their lives and careers because of one bad decision. In the end, the cadets quietly paid the damages and apologized profusely. They were even allowed back into the house after a few months.

    I’ve always wondered how I would handle the situation in my own home. I can see why my dad didn’t want to get the cadets into trouble with their superiors, because even minor offenses are a big deal in a military academy so something like this (trespassing, theft, sexual misconduct, breaking curfew, etc) could definitely destroy their futures. But on the other hand, I feel like my parents went a bit light on them. At the very least, I would never have let the cadets back into my house. Even as a kid, I felt uncomfortable with them there, knowing what they had done, and I wasn’t happy my parents allowed them back.

    What do you all think?

    2. Jules the Third*

      For me, it’s a question of harm – personal versus property.
      They harmed your parents’ property.
      They did not physically harm your parents or you, or your aunt when she caught them.

      As long as the sex was consensual, then no person was directly, physically harmed. There’s a huge difference between people who will harm property and people who will harm people. Kids who are harming property aren’t that bad, if they make reparations and demonstrate remorse, yeah, I’d forgive. I wouldn’t leave my house unlocked when I’m headed out of town, though.

      1. foolofgrace*

        You don’t know that the sex was consensual, there easily might have been underage people there (statutory rape). And what if they had destroyed a collection of some sort, Hummel figurines or baseball cards? What they did, like gutting the wine collection — hard to replace some wines — is reprehensible. I would have turned them in in a heartbeat. I don’t agree that “Kids who are harming property aren’t that bad.” I’m sure many an arsonist started out burning things (destroying property) as youths, for example.

        But, who leaves town and doesn’t lock their house? What did they expect? Even if they expected the cadets to honor their wishes to stay away, I’d be afraid of burglars. I wonder if insurance covered any of the damages, which in itself isn’t great because it might up their payments for making the claim.

        1. Cupcake for Breakfast*

          At the time of this incident, my family lived in a gated community of sorts, where you needed a code for the gate to access the property and the house. We lived there all my life while I still lived with my family, through my college years, and never had an issue of burglars. It was a very safe community and this incident with the cadets was the only time we ever had unwelcome people in the house. The cadets had the codes they needed to get through the gate, as well as knowing the house was unlocked.

          1. foolofgrace*

            My comment about locked doors was no doubt colored by where I’m from — Big Midwestern City. You practically have to lock your door to go take the garbage out. I’m sorry if I seemed harsh.

            1. ThatGirl*

              I mean, I lived for a summer on a farm outside a tiny Amish town, nearest neighbors were a quarter mile away, I still locked my car and the house every time. I understand there are very safe towns and neighborhoods but I’m still not taking chances, especially when leaving town.

        2. Screenwriter Mom*

          I live in Los Angeles and can’t even remotely understand the concept of “not locking your house.”

      2. Triple Anon*

        Eh. They had sex in other people’s beds. They had sex in children’s beds. That’s gross.

        And honestly I think the personal vs property damage line comes with a grey area. Property damage is traumatic, and it has tangible effects. How much and in what way depends on what was damaged.

      3. Totally Minnie*

        But the property damage did indicate a lack of respect for people. That’s an issue. I don’t know if I would have turned them in at the academy as long as they apologized and paid for the damages, but I would certainly not have invited them back into my home when they had showed that level of disrespect to me and my family.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      With the caveat that I am sometimes rule-bound in ways that have not served me well… I would have told the academy. Being a cadet is not the same as being a regular college student. From what I understand, there are stricter codes of conduct to which they agree to adhere, and these cadets broke those big time. For what it’s worth, if they had come to the house without permission and watched TV for a few hours and your aunt had found them there, I wouldn’t have done anything. College kids do indeed do stupid stuff, but, “I misheard when you said not to come over and we really needed to get away” and “you were out of town so we threw a rager and barely bothered to hide the evidence” are very different things.

      And yes, there is NO WAY I would have let those cadets back in my house. That was such a huge violation of trust.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yup, this is where I land. Big difference between inviting some friends to hang out, watch TV or lounge by the pool, and throwing a huge party where they destroy personal–and expensive–property. I would definitely have reported them, no question, and they’d never be sponsored by me or allowed in my house again.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        That’s where I would fall – this has serious consequences because they’re being held to strict standards, and for a reason. If they had come over to watch TV I wouldn’t have reported it, although I would have had the codes changed, but they entered the home expressly against the home-owners wishes, invited a bunch of people, trashed the place, and spilled bodily fluids in the children’s beds. Being expelled is a reasonable and proportionate response.

        I would be more reluctant to call the police, particularly if it would involve felony charges. Getting kicked out of the cadet program is a recoverable consequence, a police record is a lot harder to shake in adulthood.

    4. WellRed*

      First of all, your aunt. WtH?? I see your dad’s point about young people making foolish mistakes but this was pretty serious. They broke in (yes, they did, unlocked doors or not) and caused a lot of damage. I am glad to hear they apologized and paid ip but I certainly would NEVER let them come to my house again. Do you know if, in adulthood, they are fine and upstanding?

    5. Temperance*

      I would have called the Academy that day and not only reported those cadets, but said that I would never, ever sponsor cadets again. This is beyond a “mistake”, this is a crime and a half. I can’t believe that your aunt didn’t immediately call your parents or the cops. I mean, damn.

      They ruined your family’s ability to be safe and comfortable in their own home. IDK, I realize I’m probably a hardass about this, but you do not enter someone else’s home.

      1. Aphrodite*

        Well, if you are I am too. First, call police. Second, call academy. Third, require repayment for everything lost or used (wine, meat, beds–because there is NO way I am getting into that bed again). I don’t know if I would ever host cadets again, but probably, and the reason is that I am partially at fault. Not locking doors? At any rate, no cadet ever again would be able to come and go.

    6. only acting normal*

      I would have told the academy, because they were representing their institution not just themselves, and would never have let them back in the house (WTF?!). They got off incredibly lightly.
      I hope your dad would have been so understanding if you’d had a similar house party in his absence!
      Also, it’s not *one* bad decision – there’s a whole string of them involved in throwing a big party, in someone else’s home, when you are explicitly denied permission to even go in there on your own.

    7. stellaaaaa*

      I would have told the academy. I would also have never let those specific cadets in my house again, and probably would have completely stopped participating in the program, because as helpful as my hosting might have been to some future cadets, I would put the safety of my family above that, every time.

    8. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I’m a very private hardcore introvert and my home is my designated safe place away from the world. I would have immediately reported the incident to the academy, insisted that the cadets clean up and pay for any damages, change my locks, and probably not host another cadet or at least take a break from the program for a while. If I felt the academy took the incident seriously enough, I might host again but not actually give them keys to the house.

      I would have zero guilt if the kids were suspended or expelled from the program.

    9. Bagpuss*

      I would definitely have reported them. They broke into your home, stole things, damaged things, and did so knowing that you / your parents had specifically told them to stay away.
      Also, if they were cadets, presumably they were seeking to become officers? I’m not sure that getting away with criminal behaviour is a good basis for that.
      If I wanted to limit the damage I would probably consider reporting it but saying to the relevant officer that you didn’t want to press charges and would rather that it was dealt with by way of restitution – it wouldn’t stop them facing consequences, including possibly being expelled, but it would give the academy the option of tempering justice with mercy, of they felt the cadets were otherwise in good standing, and worth giving a second chance.

    10. Loopy*

      I would have reported them with no regrets. This was a huge trespass. not only were they in the home without permission, but to bring strangers, use and destroy property? That’s horrendous. I’d have been livid and they Academy would have been notified. They were adults and actions have consequences. End of story.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Ditto from me. I would have dropped the hammer here. If they were worried about their careers they should have thought of that sooner, sorry. This is not just a little careless fun. This is trespassing and damaging property belonging to other people. Not acceptable.

    11. LilySparrow*

      My brother is military, so I’m speaking from that perspective.

      I think calling the police is a judgement call that could go either way, and if the cadets paid the damages I can see letting it go on that level.

      But the academy absolutely should have been told. They have a code of conduct for a reason. There is no way the cadets did not know if they were violating the code of conduct and the possible consequences. Those things are drilled in. And one major reason for having such a code is to weed out people who don’t have the judgment and self control to follow it. Because those are exactly the people we do not want as officers.

      These cadets are being prepared to be military officers responsible for other people’s lives. One stupid choice as a cadet could get them expelled.

      Getting expelled is not going to send them to jail, or prevent them from finishing school somewhere else, or having a successful career doing something else. It just deprives them of a privilege they wanted but did not appreciate enough to be disciplined about.

      One stupid choice as an officer could get all their soldiers maimed or dead. Soldiers who did not have the privilege of attending an exclusive academy in the first place.

      Better they pay the (minor) price for their own mistakes, than let their enlisted personnel pay the price for their foolishness, impulsivity, and bad judgement later.

      1. Ron McDon*

        Great reply, that the rules are there to weed out people who can’t follow rules.

        I would have reported them to the academy, not the police, and they would never be allowed back into my house.

      2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        This. My dad was career Air Force, though enlisted, so I’m a bit defensive about it. I would not tolerate cadets knowingly damaging the reputation of the USAF like that, and knowingly allow them to escape the consequences. What kind of officer is that cadet going to make? Not one that I want to have in charge of people like my dad. The USAFA (and any other military academy) is hard to get into for a reason.

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I would have locked the doors first of all. If you leave your house unlocked and go out of town for 2 weeks, you’re just asking for trouble.

      I also would have called the police and informed the academy, but stressed that you wanted them punished, not kicked out. and I would have banned them from the house or contacting the family, forever. You screw up, you suffer the consequences.

    13. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Seems to me this is a BFD and a very serious lack of judgement that should not be tolerated in a commissioned officer. I would have gone straight to their superiors. They were the ones who decided to basically break into your house, steal and destroy belongings, and lie about it. I don’t have a lot of patience for the line that it could ruin their careers, etc. They knew that before they did it.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      Good luck! Don’t be worried if it’s awkward, some people take a few visits to warm up (my boyfriend’s mom . . .). Let us know how it goes!

  23. Environmental Compliance*

    I had my first meeting with a therapist last week. She is referring me to a doctor to 1) set up primary care and 2) get started on antidepressants. I feel so relieved that someone is listening to me and taking it seriously and wants to help me get help. I just want the bad days to stop and for me to come back.

    I always kinda thought I just was an anxious high strung person but tbh now that I think more about what she said, maybe it’s been depression the whole time. Which just sounds awful.

    1. Jules the Third*

      It can be such a relief to hear someone say you’re not alone, and there’s solutions. I feel ya.

    2. Jack Be Nimble*

      Have you ever heard stories about people getting glasses for the first time? They talk about how they didn’t realize trees had individual leaves or they didn’t know houses had the numbers of their addresses. There was a lot of fine detail they’d missed out on, simply because they couldn’t see it.

      I had the same experience when I started antidepressants. It wasn’t a magic bullet or a cure-all, but for the first time in my life, I got to experience my own moods, without the heavy fog of depression. I didn’t know you could wake up in a good mood. I had no idea, none.

      I’m glad you took that step, and I hope you keep feeling better and better!

      1. Jules the Third*

        hahahhaha – from ages 6 – 12, I got new glasses every year as my eyes went from ‘meh’ to ‘omg I can use my glasses as a party trick’. I remember commenting to my mom, ‘yeah, I like when I get the new glasses, it means I can see the tree leaves again.’ Good analogy…

      2. foolofgrace*

        I got cataract surgery a couple of years ago and I swear to God I hadn’t known that the paint in the apartment building’s hallways was white. I always thought it was tan. What a revelation!

        As someone who has suffered from clinical depression for most of my life, I appreciate the comparison, that’s what it was like when I finally found a combination of meds that worked for me, which took quite some time, so don’t be discouraged if the first meds you try aren’t as effective as you would have liked.

      3. Alex the Alchemist*

        I completely agree! I have both depression and anxiety, and when I got on a medicine that worked for both, it made me see things totally differently- getting better wasn’t as scary as I had originally thought. This is something that I feel like I have to mention, because I know for me, recovery was terrifying because I struggled with mental illness since middle school (and anxiety specifically my whole life) and didn’t get good help until college, so I couldn’t quite remember what my life even was like when I wasn’t dealing with it. When I got antidepressants, I realized that hey, maybe this bad stuff didn’t have to be in my life for me to feel like “me” after all.

        1. Environmental Compliance*

          I’ve felt on and off like this since early middle school, so I kinda thought that’s just how it was. Wasn’t until recently when a low dip got really low that I thought about really trying to get help. I didn’t realize I’ve always been barely treading water when others have been walking on dry land until I started to drown. I just thought that’s how life was going to be for me.

      4. Environmental Compliance*

        That actually happened to my husband! He kept insisting he didn’t need glasses, didn’t need glasses…..got glasses, and on the way home turned to look at me in surprise that you could *see* the individual leaves on the trees. Now we go on hikes and he’s telling me all about the leaves he sees, lol.

        I’m hoping I get my leaves too.

    3. 30ish*

      I also thought I had anxiety when it was depression. I think that might be kind of common since both can involve a lot of ruminating. And it can be kind of hard to connect the dots with depression. I got treated successfully with meds and therapy, good luck to you with your treatment!

  24. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Divorce update. I am so glad I can type all of this out here.

    This has been a stressful week for me. STBEXH called and texted multiple times about his first settlement payment, demanding that he get it NOW, telling me that I left him in the middle of the night, lied to him, ruined his life, and just basically “effing” his life up and he’s sick of it and wants this over. (aside…yes, I left in the night after telling him for several years I wanted a divorce and that I would leave one day and not come back, and he wanted to leave everything go until February 2018, after I moved out on Sept 15 2017, because, health insurance?? SMH!)

    Thursday and Friday were especially bad, I told him to call his attorney’s office so they could let him know when the check, deed paperwork for the house, etc. were delivered, and he went into a rant that if he didn’t have his money TODAY everything was off and we would be going to court. I calmly replied that I’d call and find out the exact time of delivery (offices are 2 blocks apart), and offered my attorney’s phone number so he could call and verify, but this resulted in more ranting, swearing, and stating my attorney is a weasel and he lies too. He went on about an apartment that he wanted, and if he lost it because I was holding things up, I’d regret it, and that he had help lined up to move out of the house and…whatever.

    Yesterday AM he called 4 times and texted that if I didn’t answer, everything was off and we were going to court. I told him that he should call his attorney’s office because the check and paperwork would be delivered around 11 AM.

    That was it. No more calls or texts.

    Yes, I’ve given all of this info to my attorney, and STBEXH may be getting a letter if he doesn’t knock it off. We still have a few more things to hammer out, but after that, texts and calls will be blocked moving forward. There is no reason for him to call or text, if he has a question, he can write a letter.

    When I get to the house, I’m giving it a major purge, as in, getting rid of 90% of the contents. I figure if I haven’t needed this stuff in 9 months, I won’t need it now. Originally, I was going to put anything of his aside, and give him one more chance to pick it up, but he’s acted like such a mule’s behind that I think I’ll just toss it all and to hell with him. Definitely changing the locks, and I’m thinking about a low cost camera that I can mount pointing toward the driveway to check to see if he shows up while I’m at work.

    Everyone, I am SO GLAD that I did what I did. I’m going to get my life back.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        Yes, he does, and that’s how he treated our entire marriage, basically using me as a source of income, health insurance, someone to pay the bills and take care of everything, while he basically did what he felt like doing (including gambling us into 10’s of thousands of dollars in debt) and floating through life without a care in the world. I used to compare him to the grasshopper x2 in the fable about the ant and the grasshopper. Or, it was like being in a rowboat while he dumped water in with a 5 gallon bucket and I had a tea cup to bail it out.

        So the gravy train has now not only stopped, but has derailed fully, and I think his anger is bubbling up from the knowledge that he will have to do all these things for himself now. Once the settlement money is gone, he will no doubt be in a bit of a hard spot if he doesn’t straighten up.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Good for you for blocking his text and calls. He does sound like someone who thinks you’re his ATM.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Every time this guy opens his mouth he proves to you that you were right. He is very good at this.

    6. ..Kat..*

      You are almost out of his control, and he is desperate to get you back under control. Even if you can’t block him now, I recommend not responding at all. He wants to argue, threaten, etc. If you answer, you are teaching him what will get your attention and how to manipulate you. If you answer after the 11th angry message, you are teaching him that it takes 12 calls to you to get what he wants.

      Be careful – this is the most dangerous time for you. He is losing it – his easy life, his control over you – this is when abusive men are at their most dangerous. This is when women are killed by their ex’es. Please be careful. Can you get a restraining order? That way at least you can call the police, and the police will know what they are getting into. These calls are very dangerous for police .

      Keep your cell phone charged, keep it with you, stay in well lit areas around people. Good locks on doors and windows.

      Good luck! You are almost there. Stay strong. Stay safe.

      1. Epiphyta*

        If nothing else, do speak with your attorney about a no-contact order; if they have copies of the texts, they can advise you as to the likelihood of one being granted. Your former spouse should be going through his attorney about these things, not bringing them to you.

        You may not legally be able to throw his things away immediately (or at all), but might have the option of giving him a short window of opportunity to remove them under supervision; again, talk to your attorney about it and get details in the final decree: as my own attorney was fond of saying, “If it ain’t written down, it don’t count”.

      2. Dan*

        I don’t think furious’s ex is the violent type, she’s written a bit about him – she’s always just described him as a lazy good for nothing.

        I had an ex of a similar nature, and I looked at getting a TRO, but in my state, you have to have reason to believe you are in physical danger.

        To furious – it gets easier to ignore this crap after awhile. It eventually stops when they don’t get anything from you.

          1. I Am Still Furious!!*

            I have to admit I am worried about this. He is angry, and he is one of those people who thinks the rules don’t apply to them. A prime example is: in the settlement agreement, he agreed to sign off the title to an old SUV we own together. I told him I’d let him know when the paperwork was at the notary so he could stop and sign off. He said he wanted half the money if I sold it. I reminded him that the agreement we signed didn’t state that, and he said he didn’t care what the agreement said, he wanted half the money, the key words being “I don’t care what the agreement says, I want [insert thing]”.

            I might add, his attorney drew up the agreement, we both signed it, it’s done and filed with the court. The only thing left to end this is for him to sign the waiver of consent or whatever that document is, and that won’t be until Nov 1.

            4 1/2 more months…I can do it.

            1. Belle di Vedremo*

              If you’re worried about this, can you consult with the local domestic violence folks, and talk with your attorney about appropriate safety measures? If he’s saying he doesn’t care what the agreements say, he wants what he wants, those folks will have suggestions about handling him and your interactions. Are you sure you want to go back to the house, if you’re worried about him? What if you just went over and cleaned it out (I like the suggestion from Not All Who Wander of bagging everything so you’re ready once the paperwork is signed), and put it on the market without moving back in? It might be a bit more expensive in the short run, but might buy you time to be somewhere else and let him cool down before you move somewhere that’ll show up in public records.

              You’re so smart, and your instincts have been on target, so addressing this directly might serve you well even if you’re not sure you’d need it. Sure hope you don’t.

              Keep us posted.

            2. Detective Amy Santiago*

              I agree with Belle. Please take steps to ensure your safety.

              Also, can you change your phone number and make sure he doesn’t get the new one? Force him to communicate via your attorney.

    7. Not All Who Wander*

      In the midst of similar divorce myself. From someone I have renamed in my contacts and folders as ‘The Leech”.

      One caution, I was warned by my attorney NOT to get rid of anything that could potentially be argued as joint personal property (or his personal property)….which in this state basically means anything acquired after our marriage…until the judge signed the decree. Up until that point, I could still be required to sell it and divide the proceeds even if it was worth $2. If I had gotten rid of crap before then, the judge could potentially assign the value himself and require me to pay The Leech half. I’d check with your attorney about what the laws are in your particular state.

      My solution is that everything of his is going in trash bags in the garage (sorted by ‘donation’ and ‘trash’). Everything of mine I want to get rid of is going into boxes (“donation” “trash” “sell”). This way I don’t have to look at it, but if things take a turn and I am ordered to sell it all, I can heap in the driveway and accept any offer people give me in a massive garage sale. If that means 10 cents for the really nice air rifle he left, oh well! (And I can also have my friends come over and ‘buy’ my stuff so I can get it back. And if all goes well, it will only take me a couple days to take all the bags/boxes to where they need to go once the decree is signed next month.

      Good luck! (and if you feel like you need to see a therapist to deal with grief, do it…I couldn’t figure out why I was UPSET over such a miserable marriage ending. Only took 2 sessions until I was where I should have been…happy, relieved & looking forward to the future!)

  25. Irish Em*

    I managed some minor housework yesterday and the day before, yay! Now I have less than zero spoons. I need to go food shopping today but I’m pretty sure I’m going to just sit around in my jim-jams and watch crap tv and order a take-away instead. Fairly sure my method of recharging is… problematic at best but I honestly don’t know if that’s because I’m still viewing myself through able-tinted glasses.

    What do other spoonies do when spoons are in short supply?

    1. Laura H*

      I’m not a spoonie, but I find that making lists helps me navigate the tasks I need to do- I have cerebral palsy- and while it’s not applicable to the “spoons” energy model- I do have to approach some things differently. Acknowledging the tasks, planning them out, and completing them helps me not stress as much- and make the after process far smoother.

      1. Irish Em*

        I think I need to start doing that, my brain fog and fatigue definitely impact on my ability to deal with tasks and then I wake up at 3am worrying about stuff, and then they come up suddenly during the day, or I have a few spoons and use them up on stuff that’s been put aside for way too long. Thank you!

    2. HigherEd Person*

      Do you have grocery delivery in your area? If you have access to it, you can usually sign up for a trial and get free delivery for the first use! I find that helpful.

      And your method of recharging is what it is. You do what works for you to build your spoons back up so that you can be okay for tomorrow.

      1. Irish Em*

        There’s three supermarkets, two of which I get delivery, but it’s the one that doesn’t offer it that I need to go shop in, of course. It’s super helpful, especially for the heavy stuff.

        Thank you!

    3. Thursday Next*

      My recharging method is pretty close to yours! You do what you have to.

      I found that it’s helped me to decide, when I’m not out of spoons, what’s necessary and what’s not. So when I’m spoon-deficient, I know it’s okay to order pizza for the kids’ dinner, I don’t need to make them something myself, but kid #2 will still need to be washed and that’s non-negotiable. What are some things you can let go?

      1. Irish Em*

        Nearly everything about housework is unnecessary and is let go.
        Like, I hoovered the day before yesterday for the first time in over 12 months (I have relatives who hoover twice a day who are super judgemental about this but anyway…) but trying to figure out what little (necessary or not) things I can do when I have or haven’t got the spoons is super frustrating today.
        Thanks :)

        1. Thursday Next*

          It sounds like today is not the day for figuring stuff out, and that’s okay. I don’t know about you, but on my hardest days, I make things harder for myself by getting mad at myself for not being able to do more. Which is nonsensical. It’s been a slow process of training myself to accept that some days all I can do is take my medication and watch videos.

          I hope your spoons will be replenished soon. :-)

    4. Hellanon*

      My sister used to call it “taking the network cure” – she’d lie around in sweats & watch crap TV until she was A) bored and B) ready to face the world again.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Not a spoonie, I don’t think. But I went through some health issues years ago and my thinking tanked along with the physical issues. This went on for a few years.
      I forced myself to turn off the tv and get actual sleep. TV can be a stimulate for some people. But I realized with the limited amount of at home time I had, I needed to use it wisely. If I was staring at a tv to recharge then I probably needed actual sleep. Television can also act as a depressant for some people.

      This was the exact answer I did not want to hear. Television was my escape, my time out. In turning off the tv I had to find other ways to take my down time. That was a little rough at first but it got easier.

      1. Irish Em*

        I’ve definitely felt better on the days I’ve cut down on my screen time and gone to bed early. Thank you for the suggestion!

    6. Miles*

      Next time you have a spare spoon on the weekend use it to automate something so that something used to take a spoon just happens on its own.

      Especially focus on things that could really drain your spoons in a disaster (e.g. For me, Automatic bill payments + direct deposit into that account +a separate manually refilled general spending account has really simplified a lot of my money concerns. Most of my bills get paid without my having to remember them, and I don’t have to worry about budgeting because the transaction will get denied if I go over – had to fight my bank on the last one but I finally got it working)

      1. Irish Em*

        Oh, this is great! At the moment all my bills are cash in hand paid at Payzone places because unemployment means I have to juggle the bills a bit, but if I can time it right it’d defo help. Thanks!

    7. Foreign Octopus*

      I had to Google the Spoon Theory because I honestly thought everyone here was talking about an actual lack of spoons (the cutlery kind). I was wondering why so many people kept running out of spoons. You have no idea how long I’ve sat here trying to figure out what you were saying!

      I’m sorry you’re spoonless. Feel better soon!

    8. Teach*

      Grocery delivery
      Fresh fruits and veggies, even if just a raw assortment becomes dinner
      Showering plus clean clothes, basic hygiene
      Doing low-energy things that feel like accomplishments: deleting emails, brushing the cat, puttering around and tidying, sitting and cleaning out one drawer, cleaning out my purse, etc.
      I try not to “double-screen,” I.e. TV on plus phone or iPad because that is a tough hole to climb out of!

    9. Anonymosity*

      I sit around in my jim-jams and watch crap tv. :) That’s a perfect way to recharge.
      Physically I’m okay, but my mental spoons are in short supply lately.

    10. Not All Who Wander*

      I outsource what I can. A local grocery store has free delivery for orders over $75 (and only $5 under!). I’m paying the neighbor’s lawn service to mow my lawn this summer at a bargain price because he only does it when he’s does theirs so no travel/loading time in the rate. A friend has a gal come in to vaccuum & I’m seriously considering adding that (big house, furry pets)

      I know these all cost money, but frankly less than I would spend ordering SkiptheDishes with the bonus that my stress & diet are both better.

      And some nights I have a beer and ice cream on the couch for dinner amd then just go to bed…and the important part! I allow myself to feel NO guilt for doing so.

    11. Snazzy Hat*

      Read comic strip treasuries. Calvin & Hobbes and Get Fuzzy are my favourites; I have the whole collection of C&H and most if not all of Get Fuzzy, plus treasuries of other strips too.
      Put away things that have a known place. Best examples would be hats (I left it on the couch but it belongs on this hat rack), the aforementioned books (left one or two on the table from when I was reading earlier), and potholders from previous hot meals.
      Cereal bowl. Cereal. Milk. Spoon. MEAL.
      Watch the Simpsons, especially an earlier episode that I’ve seen a bajillion times.

  26. WisconsinBound?*

    I may end up moving to Wisconsin this summer – possibly to Eau Claire. Does anyone know much about the cost of living and culture there?

    1. gecko*

      Wisconsin is pretty cheap! I lived in Madison, not Eau Claire, but I liked it a lot (after living in the Northeast). The everyday socialization can take some getting used to, but I came to like it. I was definitely too loud & argumentative for what the culture there is for a while, but was able to notice and adjust.

    2. Lady Jay*

      Lord, I loved Wisconsin. Moving away this summer (eastern Tennessee) and already missing it. Eau Claire is a nice spot: you’re within an hour or two of Minneapolis, so there’s the possibility for big culture; but a couple hours to the north is Lake Superior so there’s also the possibility for getting outdoors.

      Wisconsin’s COL is low and despite its negative political publicity (depending on what side of the aisle you’re on), the people are warm and friendly and the small towns are tidy. You’ll love it.

      1. WisconsinBound?*

        Thank you – glad to hear COL isn’t too bad. That is the biggest concern to me. (And yes, I’ve heard the negative publicity too!)

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Born and (sort of – summers only) raised in WI, got the accent to prove it.

      Most recently we also lived in Madison for 3 years while Other Half finished his degree and it was a solid time. The traffic due to the isthmus was annoying, but it was also possible to get anywhere on a bike most of the year. A great college town for a weekend visit once you have moved.

      Wisconsin has distinct ‘regions’ so to speak that differ from one another. I am from the south central area, which is more influenced by Milwaukee and the pull of Chicago than, say, La Crosse, where it is more influenced by the Twin Cities. Madison is its own island, or ’90 square miles surrounded by reality’ as the saying goes. I have never been to Eau Claire proper but have driven through there (when we lived in MSP and i was headed to my parents) and it struck me as similar to La Crosse in feel – smaller, bit more rural, more conservative than what I was used to on the eastern coast of the state.

      I just checked and Eau Claire is considerably smaller than what I thought and is, in fact, just a bit larger than my hometown. Where I am from there is little to no culture (you need to go to Milwaukee for that) and it can be very much “who your family is” going back generations. However, Eau Claire does have a U of Wisconsin main branch campus there so there is likely to be a few more places to eat that are interesting/cheap and some activities on at the university.

      You are about an hour out of MSP on I94 if you need to head west to get some culture/decent food or airport connections, otherwise it can be a bit isolated. On the flip side there are a lot of outdoor things to do – lots of bike trails and rivers to kayak, etc. Cost of living will be cheap – you should be able to get a decent house for under $250K.

      1. WisconsinBound?*

        Thank you. I agree about the housing – sadly even $250k is out of my budget. =(

    4. Green Kangaroo*

      Yes, Wisconsin is quite affordable compared to many areas of the U.S. Depending on where you are currently, you might find out winters a bit tough. Eau Claire is pretty; it’s a college town so it has that vibe, and yes, Midwesterners are pretty chatty and we tend to be in each other’s business. If you like having four distinct seasons and enjoy outdoor things, you’ll probably like it!

      1. WisconsinBound?*

        I grew up in the Midwest so I think i can survive the winters, if necessary…not my favorite thing, but it probably would not be as much of a shock…

    5. FD*

      Eau Claire is beautiful! I live about an hour away in Rochester, Minnesota. Cost of living is fairly moderate in a lot of the midwest here. Doing a quick check of my instincts, apartments are fairly cheap–looks like almost everything is less than $1,000/mo, average 2BR looks to be about 600-800/mo. One thing I love about living here is that groceries are cheap, particularly dairy. For context, as one person living alone, I spend $25/week on groceries (though I do cook meal batches which lowers the price a bit). A gallon of milk is about $2.50 in my area.

      Kwik Trip is the best gas station and they are EVERYWHERE. They are clean, tidy, and almost like tiny convenience stores. Milk and eggs are crazy cheap there. (Pretty common for eggs to be on sale for $0.99/dozen.)

      In terms of culture, this part of the midwest tends to be moderate religiously. There are a lot of Lutherans and a fair number of Catholics. In my experience, midwest Christianity tends to be more the Sunday social, quilting bee type than the you-are-going-to-hell-if-you-don’t-believe type. One side effect I’ve found is that it can be difficult for people moving in to get to know people if they don’t belong to some sort of group, such as a church, charity group, or school. Midwesterners tend to be friendly, but sometimes a little hard to get to know beyond they surface.

      Biggest downside of course is that outside of the larger cities, there are limited entertainment options. Outdoor activities are popular–Eau Claire is on the banks of the Mississippi. Most towns have a few movie theaters and a mall and a (usually utterly terrible) civic theater. There are usually at least a few reasonably good local choirs and/or symphonies.

      (Fun fact, BTW, Minnesota has much stricter laws about liquor and fireworks, so a lot of Minnesotans cross the border to buy them both.)

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        One side effect I’ve found is that it can be difficult for people moving in to get to know people if they don’t belong to some sort of group, such as a church, charity group, or school. Midwesterners tend to be friendly, but sometimes a little hard to get to know beyond they surface.

        This. I went to college in Wisconsin, and I found it to be incredibly insular even though I was in one of the cities. There were a lot of jabs at “coasties” and non-Midwesterners in general. I moved away the second I was done with college, but I still think I could have lived there for decades and still never been “one of them,” and I suspect that feeling would have been intensified if I weren’t white. Also could have done without the random grocery store conversations (some people say this is friendly, I say it’s intrusive).

        In my experience, midwest Christianity tends to be more the Sunday social, quilting bee type than the you-are-going-to-hell-if-you-don’t-believe type.

        I definitely had people, including “friends,” tell me that I was going to Hell because I wasn’t Christian. I could have just been very unlucky, but they’re definitely there.

        So, uh, yeah, my experience wasn’t so great.

        Wisconsin is much cheaper than the coasts, though, IME.

        1. FD*

          That’s fair enough! There certainly are people who will be jerks about religion, but I’ve found the percentages lower here than other places I’ve lived–but as you say, there’s probably some element of luck in that.

          It’s true about the grocery store conversations. We’re much, much bigger on small talk here than in other places. I like it, but I grew up here so YMMV clearly.

          I would say living in the midwest, you definitely want to find some sort of group or groups to meet people. I think part of it is that we tend to be big on small talk and it’s easy to make casual acquaintances but that sometimes gets in the way of forming deeper connections with people. Joining a group with mutual interests helps a lot, I find.

    6. FrontRangeOy*

      I grew up in EC! haven’t lived there in about 20 years but it’s something of a success story. Has recovered well from industrial closures to become a vibrant creative community. Cost of living is low but wages also reflect lower costs. You may find that buying a house will end up being cheaper than renting or at least more pleasant than renting – much of the rental market it geared towards student rentals around the university.

      Culture is more dynamic than you might expect for upper midwest. There’s a growing Hispanic presence drawn by agricultural work and a large Hmong (southeast Asian tribe largely relocated from Laos/Vietnam after the Vietnam War) minority. I grew up during the last wave of relocations and it was pretty ugly for awhile. But the Hmong families have very much become part of the fabric of the community in all good ways. The university in town is known as Wisconsin’s singing university – if that is your scene, you can easily fill your social calendar with events and programs at the U or put on in town by people associated with the U.

      1. WisconsinBound?*

        Thank you! I have heard that UW has an award-winning music department – and I do like music (in moderation) so that’s good to hear.

  27. SophieChotek*

    May be going to Atlanta 2nd week in July. If I can get the time off, I may try to spend an extra day or two there to look around. I wouldn’t rent a car (though nowadays I guess there’s always Uber, etc.)

    I was in Atlanta over a decade ago and saw:
    the Aquarium
    Margaret Mitchell House
    did a (boring) bus tour
    Coca-Cola factory (?)

    1. WellRed*

      Martin Luther King center
      Botanical garden ( probably too hot though at that time of year)
      High Museum
      Atlanta History Center
      CNN tour

      1. Loves Libraries*

        Also I love Atlanta United, the MLS team. It plays games in the awesome Mercedes-Benz stadium.

    3. LilySparrow*

      The art museum is excellent and gets some great traveling exhibits. We saw the Dutch Masters there a couple of years ago (including Girl With a Pearl Earring). Definitely worth a stop.

      They used to stay open late one day a week, so that might make it easier to fit in.

    4. Maiasaura*

      Piedmont Park is Atlanta’s main urban park and is quite nice; it’s contiguous with the Botanical Garden.

      The Martin Luther King memorial center is terrific, and very close to downtown. The Center for Human Rights is very close to the Aquarium and World of Coke, and is also great.

      Stone Mountain Park is about 30 minutes by car from downtown; it’s a lovely park with miles of hikes and lakes. You can even walk up the mountain—it’s just under a mile, if I recall—and then you don’t have to look at the gross confederate civil war participation trophy carving (barf) on the front of the mountain. There’s a sort of amusement park place there but you can just pay the entry fee for a car (or walk in) and there’s no need to pay for any of the cheesy attractions.

      The High Museum of Art is great, and the Michael C. Carlos museum on the Emory University campus has a world-class collection of Egyptian antiquities. If you’re into airplanes, the Delta museum out by the airport is fun, though I hear their hours are a bit short. There’s also a Porsche factory on that side of town with a test track where you can drive a Porsche, though I don’t have any details on that.

      We have a great restaurant scene, too. The eater.com site for Atlanta is frequently updated and generally very accurate. People will tell you to go to Mary Mac’s Tea Room for Southern food but it isn’t very good, especially for the price. Eater won’t steer you wrong!

      Have fun if you end up coming here! I sure do hope you enjoy our city. :)

      1. SophieChotek*

        Thank you! And I admit I do find transportation interesting – so the Delta Museum sounds interesting too.

  28. Anon Sister*

    I’m trying very hard not to be envious and annoyed with my younger half-sister’s lot in life but I’m having a great deal of difficulty. Now I have a great relationship with my family, my stepmom and I have a fabulous relationship and love spending time together, same with my sister.

    My sister, Meg, is in college, about to finish a year abroad in Scotland. She’s all set on another year abroad in England this next year, her senior year. She’s an art major and already planning on doing an art grad school in Italy. Meg rarely has a job over the summer, she’s allowed to do nothing, just sleep and work on her art. My dad and stepmom paid for her to do a month-long road trip across the United States with her friends while I get questioned on why I waste money on the local geek conventions that are my only getaway. Meg says that after her grad school, she’ll get her own studio to make and sell her art pieces, with the financial help of Dad and Stepmom.

    I am just really frustrated, and yes envious too, that my sister Meg seems to be floating by in life while I had to knuckle down with a job. She gets to travel and practice her art while I’m paying rent with my 9-to-5 job, with little time to pursue the creative passions I have. She gets praised for her creativity and free spirit while I’m expected to make responsible choices. I’m happy to not be relying on my family but she’s happy to take and take, and is continually rewarded for it, rather than being asked to think seriously about what she’s going to do with her life to support herself. When I picked English major, my family constantly asked what I would do with that, would I teach or do office administration, while no one is questioning Meg and her specialty in sculpting. I have even sent her ideas for jobs, like sculpting for museum displays and the like, but she just says she’ll have her own studio when she’s done with grad school. I am not knocking creative careers in the least but all of her plans stem from taking our parents’ money while she does whatever the hell she wants.

    Meg was always the favorite absentminded child when we were younger and I expected my dad and stepmom to give her a harsh dose of reality when she got older. But my stepmom, who is also an artist/homebody-housewife with no job who relies on my father the lawyer to pay the bills, is excited her daughter wants to be an artist too and throw money behind Meg. Again, I know they would help me if I was in trouble (they were ready to give me financial support when I was about to quit a toxic job without a new position to go to, which I ended up not needing because a new position gave me an offer the day after I turned in my notice) but they certainly wouldn’t give me the same support if I decided to quit my job and focus on my creative pursuits, like they plan to do for Meg. I recently went to lunch with my family and the questions for me were ‘What is the next step in your career?’ While the questions for my sister were ‘You’re going to have so much fun abroad, you’ll probably never come back’.

    This is a long and rambling post that sounds worse than it is: I truly do love and get along with my family very well and I know they’d have my back if I needed them. But I’m still frustrated with the comfy cushion lot in life that my halfsister is getting.

    1. Laura H*

      Nothing except commiseration as a fellow English Degree holder who got fielded similar questions….

      Resentment is a hard thing to deal with but good on ya for recognizing it.

    2. foolofgrace*

      This is horrible. I can imagine how terrible it makes you feel. Unfortunately I have no good advice other than to find a way (counseling?) to stop comparing yourself to Meg. The day will come when Meg hits a wall, it’s just not apparent yet. I don’t suppose that bringing up the subject with your parent/stepparent would do any good, might do more harm than good. I’m so sorry I haven’t got anything better to say.

    3. Fiennes*

      Although it’s difficult, I think that as much as possible you need to take your attention away from how your sister is being treated; the real problem here is how *you* are being treated. If you felt good about your relationship with your dad & stepmom, and about your career and their attitudes toward it, the comparison with your sister wouldn’t sting so much.

      So: do you have a creative profession you’d like to pursue? Are you pursuing it? If not, can you do so—or is the prospect of really doing this actually not that appealing?

      Why are your dad & stepmom such nags about your career and expenses? How do you work towards establishing healthy adult boundaries with them? For instance, do they even need to know that you’re going to cons?

      I hope I don’t sound unsympathetic. In fact, my parents heavily favor my younger brother and provide him levels of financial support I find staggering—despite the fact that he’s a gainfully employed man in his 40s. (I suspect he out-earns me, and I’m doing fine.) But how my brother and parents behave, and how they are with each other, is beyond my ability to change. By pursuing my own interests and independence, I finally got to a place where I can shrug about it and carry on.

    4. Lynne*

      They’re not being fair at all. I agree with foolofgrace that bringing up the different treatment isn’t likely to be productive or change your parents’ behaviour, but you would be the best judge of whether that’s so.

      If it’s not changeable, maybe you can come to better terms with it in your own mind, because holding onto resentment can be pretty poisonous long-term. When these feelings come up, I wonder if it would help to remind yourself that you’re standing on your own two feet and be proud of your independence. There have been occasions in the past when I’ve felt envious of friends with emotionally or financially supportive parents. I don’t want to feel that way (these are my friends! I just want to be happy for them!), so I choose something else to focus on – I may not know what it’s like to have parents like that, but I’m strong and independent, and I’m proud of the things I’ve accomplished on my own. And these days I don’t often get those feelings of envy anymore – I’ve basically retrained my mind to focus on something else that’s more positive for me.

      Now, I expect it’s a lot easier to be happy for friends who are getting more parental support than it is for a sibling. But in the long run, if your parents aren’t going to be understanding or willing to change the differences in how they’re treating the two of you…I think you will be much happier if you can genuinely get past the resentment. You can’t get there instantly, but you can in time.

    5. WellRed*

      I suppose your sister could be THE Next Big thing in the art world but it’s unlikely. Combine that with no real world sense or experience and, well…
      I know it’s hard, but you are probably on the better long term path. And, you know they love and would help you. That’s what matters.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, really. I know so many artists who are wondering where their next meal is coming from. OP this is a story line that will have many twists and turns as the decades roll by. Little or no consolation right now and I can see that also. Time will be in your favor.
        Keep building your self and your life- this can be in anyway you think is important.

        While your parents appear to love your sister more or “love her the best”, that is not the same as saying they do not love you at all. Hang on to this thought. They still do love you but it’s very different. Honestly, they are handling your situation better as they are doing what parents should do, give the kid enough leeway to find out what works and what doesn’t.
        In years to come the tables will turn and you sis will be saying, “Well how did you learn to this or that?” Or “When did you become skilled at X or Y?” And all the gaps in her life style will show, which is another whole thing.

        Of the sibs I have seen in a situation like this, they end up not having much of a relationship once the parents are gone. In part that is because they have very little in common. And in part that is because the parents never said, “It’s up to you to watch out for each other after we are gone.” The parents never tried to impress on the kids that there will come a time when they will just have each other. And this can be pretty damaging.

        Not the same situation as yours but in my teens and twenties I had a recurring family situation that got under my skin and festered. Like you, I was justified in what I believed but that did nothing to change the unfairness of the situation. So every time my upset occurred, I did something to improve my future path in life. I used my upset to push me forward with my own life. FWIW, take those recurring feelings of jealousy and do something for yourself. Be a good parent to your own self.

    6. Temperance*

      Have you ever talked to your dad about this, and how it makes you feel? Or have you ever responded to the questions about your career with “gentle” jokes like, oh, why don’t you ask Meg these kinds of questions? That’s what I would do. Make it sound like you’re teasing, but you’re not.

      I’m guessing that Meg is your stepmom’s only biological child, so she wants to spoil her, and your dad backs it up to keep his wife happy.

      1. Anon Sister*

        You’re right about Meg being my stepmom’s only child. Coupled that with the fact that my stepmom had a very bad, abusive relationship with her own mom, I do think she’s desperate to keep a good relationship with her daughter, to the point of giving Meg anything she could want and letting her do whatever she wants. Meg knows this because she always goes straight to my stepmom with any requests she has, rather than our father who is the breadwinner of the house. The few times my dad has tried to set limits for Meg, my stepmom blows right past them.

          1. RestlessRenegade*

            Agree 100%, and with the others who have said that someday, this will catch up with her. I don’t wish her any ill will and I’m sure you don’t either, but there will come a day when the money dries up or she wants something she cannot have, and without the tools to deal with it, things might go very badly for her.

            I also agree that it’s important not to compare yourself to her, although I know that’s difficult when the differences in how you are treated are so stark. I think in your position I would focus on myself, on my relationship with my parents, and especially on my creative work. It is so frustrating to see people skating by and being praised for being creative when you have to work to put food on the table AND find time to be creative (especially when that results in rejection/little recognition, as it often does for me). Personally, I try to fuel all that frustration and jealousy I feel into working even harder on my craft. Living well is the best revenge.

      2. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

        That doesn’t necessarily explain everything. The story sounds somewhat similar to things going on in my husband’s family, and unless there’s some massive family secret that has been hidden from me, my husband and his sister are full siblings. I think some people just see artists as special kind of people who can’t be expected to do anything except their art.

    7. Loopy*

      How I deal with this kind of thing is to think of how much better I can handle having things fall out from under me compared to those who have it much easier. If it all goes to hell, I have the grit and skills to push through, get myself back on my feet. I know I’m independent, resilient, and capable on my own if I have to be.

      Maybe your sister will never have to face the real world without a cushion, but if she ever does, it’s going to be so terrible and so hard for her. You at least have the comfort of knowing you will be fine with the world throwing shit at you, things falling apart, etc. There’s hopefully some measure of comfort knowing you will be able to come out the other end of difficult times much easier.

    8. Thursday Next*

      I don’t know what the age difference between the two of you is—I guess my response might be a little different if you were 20 years older compared to five or six.

      I think it’s hard when there’s any kind of differential treatment between siblings, and it’s only natural to focus on the extra things you perceive the other person is getting. So as other commenters have said, it’s important for you to focus on your own relationship with your family. It sounds like there’s been friction over your choice of major (Hello, fellow English major! Families sure are hard on us!) and that’s probably something that rankles, given that you’ve been self-supporting. That’s something that you could have a discussion about, along with the constant talk about your professional next steps. “Family, I know my profession development is important to you—it’s important to me, too! I will let you know when I’m making a change, and I’ll be sure to ask for your advice if I want it. Until then, let’s try to find something else to talk about. How about [subject change]?”

      Independence has a value all its own. Sure, it’s nice to have your family send some money your way, but it sounds like your stepmother is compensating for her own childhood demons by lavishing money on your sister. I’d say it’s good not to be part of a compensatory loop like that.

    9. zora*

      A little bit of a 30,000 feet perspective.

      My mom was you and her sister was Meg. They were full sisters, but my aunt was still a kid when my grandmother married a rich man and he paid for her full ride to college, trips to Europe, for her to have a HORSE while at college, etc. My mom definitely struggled with envy and frustration many times over the years.

      Fast forward to 50 years later, my aunt has never been resilient to difficulty, she has tried and quit many different careers, and any time anyone in our family talks to her she basically just complains about her life for hours on end. She seems to never be happy or content with anything.

      My mom definitely had struggles over the years, but in her 70s is still happily married to my dad and built the life she wanted: a career in teaching and two children, and she is completely happy with her life and our family and their house, everything.

      In the long run, this is a very short period of both your life and Meg’s and you never know what is going to happen in future decades. Having a cushy few years might be nice, but you might have a lot more of the things that make YOU happy in your life.

      Also, at some point your parents won’t be around any more (sad, I know), so make sure you are doing what YOU want to do, not because you are trying to deal with their questions and comments. I wish you all the happiness and joy in your choices and your life!!!

    10. Amaryllis*

      I feel your pain. My sister-in-law is 41, lives at home, and hasn’t worked a day in her life. My husband was forced to pay for car insurance/utilities/food starting when he turned 16.

      I was certain this situation would EVENTUALLY resolve itself, but over the two decades I’ve been involved it’s only gotten more ridiculous.

    11. Penguin*

      I expressed a very similar frustration to my therapist recently, after my youngest sister completed a PhD and then “”effortlessly”” jumped straight into a job. My therapist’s response was a question: “When you measure yourself against your sister, how do you feel about yourself?”

      I had to think about that for a couple weeks, but eventually I realized that my anger and frustration had nothing to do with my sister; I was mad at myself for not having achieved whatever special mix of circumstances it was that resulted in her achieving the expectations our parents had for her, when I hadn’t.

      Then I realized that I was still letting someone else’s expectations and way of treating people drive my outlook, and that was the new perspective I needed to step back from it. I still slip back into it, but I’m trying to be better.

      I hope this helps a little… good luck!

    12. Jane of all trades*

      Oh man! I’m so sorry, that stuff is super tough. This may be a complete no-go, but is there any way to bring this up? For context, my siblings and I aren’t terribly close with my parents, but it has always been pretty clear that they prefer me over my younger sister, which makes both of us feel terrible, but understandably it has caused especially her a lot of pain. At some point last summer I decided to bite the bullet and bring it up w/ my dad (this was a lot harder because we aren’t close, and we don’t talk about important but thorny issues). He said that he does not prefer one over the other, but I mentioned a few examples where it justifiably had seemed that way to my sister and I. He then planned on talking to my little sister about it, and I told him that if he wanted to do so, he needed to do it willing to listen to her version rather than just convince her otherwise. I don’t have a perfect ending to the story – he did not call, but I think he took it to heart because the few times they have hung out since then it seems like he has made a sincere effort to be better. So hopefully they can keep on improving their relationship.
      Would it be possible for you to have a similar conversation? Does your sister acknowledge the issue?

    13. smoke tree*

      I think it would be hard not to be envious and frustrated in this situation! I kind of want Meg’s lifestyle just based on what you’ve written here. But of course the caveat to that is that she’s setting herself up to be totally dependent on her parents, and they are enabling that. I’m personally happier knowing that I can take care of myself than I would be if I had to rely on someone supporting me.

  29. HigherEd Person*

    H and I are going to Yosemite next week! We’re staying in the valley, and then near the Mariposa grove area. Any recommendations/must-do’s/warnings?

      1. HigherEd Person*

        When you say “over there” what do you mean? We’re staying in the valley – Half Dome Village, to be exact. Like over to the sites for hiking?

        1. Be the Change*

          Oh, in that case! I’m sorry, I obviously didn’t read your post carefully at all. Well, still, be ready for the hordes. If there’s something you really want to hike, do get up and go early before 5000 people show up for the same hike. Be ready for people breaking rules all over the place (“no dogs” can’t possibly mean MINE), and for lots and lots of noise and car exhaust…ironically.

          1. HigherEd Person*

            This is good to know, thanks!!! I’m a planner, H is not, so I’ve been in charge of our itinerary. I’ll make sure we prep our plans the night before and get up early. It’s going to be HOT some days, so early hiking seems smart anyways.

    2. RestlessRenegade*

      Welcome to my neck of the woods! You are absolutely right that it will be hot–100+ on most days. Obviously, drink lots of water, bring lots of sunscreen, etc. Yosemite gets wicked crowded in the summer, as Be the Change pointed out. Have fun!

  30. Be the Change*

    What’s your “love if the week”? (See my post last week for explanation.)

    Last week mine was my 36 color Staedtler pen set. This week it’s having the house to myself because my husband is away. (Of course I miss him, I’m just taking advantage of the situation to cocoon my very introverted self for a few days of R&R).

    1. Sylvan*

      I had a big day yesterday, but I fit a one-hour visit with a couple of friends into it. Took a walk with them, watched fireflies, felt recharged for the last little bit of the day.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Fireflies! That is one of my favorites parts about my recent move — when I drove home in the evening and see the fireflies in the fields. It’s so beautiful and magical! I had forgotten how much I missed it.

        1. Snazzy Hat*

          When I was a wee sprite, I lived in a house with a sizeable yard (for an area where most houses are separated by only a driveway if you’re lucky, and only a walkway if you aren’t lucky). We had fireflies regularly during the appropriate months. However, when I was about 13, we moved to another part of the city. The yard was smaller, and we didn’t use it anyway since we lived in a duplex & that was the landlord’s yard. Ten years later I moved to where I am now, about a mile from where I grew up. One summer evening after about five years, my partner and I left the house and I noticed fireflies in our backyard.

          I was so happy, I started crying and exclaiming, “We have fireflies in our backyard! Fireflies live here!” and such like that.

    2. Alex the Alchemist*

      I’ve started dog-walking for one of my professors and that dog is one of the sweetest I’ve ever met. He’s a 13-year-old collie and is very stubborn but SO LOVING. I just take him out around lunch time and it gives me such a nice, happy break in the middle of my day to walk and pet a dog, even if we go kinda slow and don’t get very far (he has arthritis). It’s so relaxing and happy-making.

    3. Irish Em*

      My dog’s summer haircut. She still doesn’t quite know how to deal with having a buzzcut after her superlong hair all winter, so she’s hilarious and acting like a puppy :D

    4. Loopy*

      The internet tells me there’s possible three more seasons of Great British Bake Off than there was when I finished binging it. I’m so excited I could burst, but also afraid to check if it’s not true!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I picked up an antique rug super cheap. This week, I got the rug cleaned, the floor washed and I put the rug down. I am thrilled. Tomorrow I will put all the furniture back.

    6. Woodswoman*

      I discovered a bunch of videos buried in my camera that I thought were lost forever, from my hiking trip a couple years back in Badlands National Park. It’s so great to find these images of wildlife and a spectacular thunderstorm, and I’m looking forward to crafting a post featuring the videos for my blog.

    7. Snazzy Hat*

      Young birds at our birdfeeders! So far we’ve seen a baby starling (they sound REALLY angry when they’re hungry) and a juvenile grackle. We have plenty of sparrows, but also we’ve seen the following at our feeders repeatedly so we’re really hoping for little ones soon:
      blue jay
      cardinal
      downy woodpecker
      junco
      hoary redpoll

  31. foolofgrace*

    I’m obese and am about ready to go on the Virgin Diet. (The author’s name is J.J. Virgin.) I have a bad knee (can’t get knee operation until I lose enough weight) and most exercise is out of the question, or at least that’s what I’m telling myself, maybe it’s denial. I can’t walk for very far without getting out of breath but AFAIK I don’t have emphysema or anything, I think it’s just my weight.

    My question is whether anyone has done a rough diet. I did this diet once before and lost 35 lbs. in six weeks but fell off the wagon. It’s pretty intense — it’s an elimination diet, so you go for three weeks banning eggs, dairy, soy, corn, peanuts, gluten; then on week 4 you start adding one of them back in for 4 days and be alert for food sensitivities. Of course no sugar or sugar substitutes. Lots of water. I hate water. I know, weird.

    Has anyone else done anything like this? I know I did it before so hopefully I can do it again, I’m going to kill myself if I don’t make a change.

    Oh, on top of it all, I’m between jobs, and would have to focus on proteins and vegetables (with nongluten power shakes), which aren’t cheap, but maybe the money would work out to be the same without all the junk carbs. Sorry if this sounds like Oh Poor Me.

    1. HigherEd Person*

      My 2 cents – take it for what it is, and I’m saying this with a LOT of love and care.

      Diets don’t work. They just don’t. That’s why the diet industry is so huge, because restriction and starvation do NOT work and you keep coming back into the cycle over and over again. Read about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment, and you’ll see patterns of how you’ve felt while restricting. I have found that by placing moral values on food, it made my life harder and lead to bad restriction patterns. Food is food is food. It is neither good nor bad. There are foods that are good, better, and best. It’s about building a healthy relationship with food for a lifetime, not restricting and binging and starting that cycle all over again.

      The diet you’re asking about sounds awful. I’m sorry. It really sounds miserable. I had to do a full elimination diet for a year due to medical issues, and I was so miserable. It left me really really messed up, with regards to food and my choices, for a long time. I recommend that you start looking into some resources for building healthy habits, and long-term food balance. It’s also got a LOT to do with moving towards a place of self-love, and looking at healthy eating as a form of self-care.

      1. Sylvan*

        It’s also got a LOT to do with moving towards a place of self-love, and looking at healthy eating as a form of self-care.

        +100

        Diets like this are designed to be temporary solutions that require repetitions or that lead you to buying some other new solution.

        Please see a dietician or your regular doctor for advice and work on building a healthy relationship with food.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I completely agree with this. There’s a reason people fall of the wagon with these diets: they’re too damn hard and restrictive, and make people miserable (in my experience). Build healthy habits and a healthy relationship with food. (I say this as someone who eventually had weight loss surgery because I couldn’t do that. I eventually came to have a much better relationship with food, but it’s still a struggle sometimes.)

    2. Nervous Accountant*

      I am not sure if you have posted about this before so I apologize in advance if I am missing something or Im repeating something that was said before.

      Are you able to see a nutritionist?
      Have you tried diets before?
      What is your current diet like?
      Is there a reason you chose this particular diet?

      In my own personal experience (obese as well, can’t exercise for now), I never went on a “diet” just always tried to “eat healthier”. There are so many diets out there that it’s so overwhelming. Being diabetic, I gravitated towards diets that emphasized low carbohydrates (Atkins, south beach, keto etc). I resisted seeing a nutritionist at first but I finally admitted to myself that I needed the professional help.

      I really wish there was more concrete advice I could give, but I’m at the very start of this journey as well, so lots of good luck to you!

      1. oldbiddy*

        I second the nutritionist recommendation. I’m pre-diabetic and my nutritionist helped me immensely. I assumed she would tell me to cut out all carbs, but it’s more about portion control/low glycemic foods/overall weight loss, as well as lots of really helpful hints and practical advice.

    3. WellRed*

      You are out of breath because you are out if shape, regardless of weight. That diet is not a wagon anyone can stay on. Strict diets don’t work. I assume you want to lose quickly so you can get surgery but a more sustainable plan will benefit your health and knee longer.
      PS. I don’t like water either.

    4. Thursday Next*

      I just posted last week about my elimination diet! It is TOUGH. But let’s talk about words for a moment: you wrote that you “fell off the wagon.” What do you mean by that? It sounds like you completed the six-week protocol. Like Higher Ed Person, I want to point out that it sounds like you’re attaching a moral value to following the diet.

      Temporary diets are temporary fixes, sadly. We alter our metabolisms through temporary diets and yo-yo weight loss/gain, and it becomes even harder to lose weight. So I think looking for something sustainable is important. (I’m doing the elimination diet to identify food sensitivities; weight loss is a welcome side effect, but I know that once I have fewer restrictions that may change.)

      Finding some professionals to talk to about nutrition planning and your relationship with food would be beneficial, if you can swing it. It’s not fast, and it’s not easy, but you’re not alone. Best of luck to you.

    5. Ali G*

      Have you seen a doctor about this? This diet sounds intense and your issues with exercise makes me feel like you should get a health check before taking on something this extreme.

    6. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I don’t have any advice on the diet but my husband tore his PCL and never fully recovered, even after a replacement and multiple surgeries, so I know a little about exercising around a bad knee. Have you looked into swimming, water aerobics, or physical therapy?
      Swimming and water aerobics can help you burn calories and improve cardio-pulmonary health without putting much pressure on your knee. There may be some free or low cost classes if you have a YMCA/YWCA in your area. Depending on your particular knee problem, stationary biking may be an option since it’s low impact and doesn’t require fully straightening your leg.
      If you can swing physical therapy it can make a huge difference it can make a huge difference in how successful your surgery is and how quickly you bounce back. Even just walking a sitting a slightly different way makes a big difference for my husband and helps prevent his knee issues from causing uneven wear on other joints to compensate. If he kept limping the way he instinctively wanted to, he’d’ve ruined his opposite hip. Even if you can only afford one or two sessions, they can show you exercises you can keep doing at home.
      It’s a long road, but you can do this!

    7. Rosemary7391*

      That diet sounds horrible… I’d be wanting off as soon as! Do you think you have food intolerances? If not I’d give that one the bargepole treatment personally.

      I know reasons for being overweight are pretty personal so am aware that this might not apply to you. It’s just me. I was using eating as an emotional crutch; it got many times worse when I got a flat to myself (as I could eat alone every night) and had an unpleasant ongoing saga with someone. Once I figured that and managed to remove said someone from my head (not easy!), I did the best I’ve ever done at losing weight with ready meals. Normal breakfast, normal lunch, any ready meal I fancied for dinner. Oh, and cake/ cake mix when I was baking for other people! It made it easy to get used to normal portions again and I didn’t have whole packets of stuff around to eat. I suspect if I hadn’t let aforementioned someone have another chance I’d still be losing weight instead of trying to start the process over (let’s see if I can avoid making that mistake again!).

      Anyway, I guess that’s a long winded way of saying it’s helpful to figure out why you eat the way you do and what it might realistically take to change it. Maybe that diet is it – when you say you did it before, what happened at the end of it? Why are you ready again now? (No need to answer, just something to think about :) although if you wanna chat about it I’m happy to chat!)

    8. Pharmgirl88*

      Do you know how to swim? If yes, maybe try that for a workout! It’ll definitely take the pressure off your knee, is a great whole body workout, and will help you cool off in the summer :)

      P.S. I also hate water, but for the last week or so I’ve tried to stick to “half your body weight in oz” rule, and after maybe 3 days, I actually started craving water! The first few days were tough, but it got much easier to stick with. One thing I’ve always done, if you’re struggling with water, is to water down fruit juices. You can slowly start increasing the ratio of water:juice, so that eventually you’re essentially just drinking water, but the splash of juice can help add some flavor without too many calories.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        This is great advice! Even better than starting with juice is taking a pitcher of water and adding some fruit. Let it sit in the fridge for a day or so, and you have naturally flavored water. Watermelon+mint, cucumber+lemon+basil, grapefruit+mango, etc. You can even just use peels and such, so you’re not wasting much edible fruit.

        Tea is also great for people who dislike plain water. I drink plain black iced tea all the time, although it’s pretty strong if you’re adverse to bitter. Green and white tea are mild, and there are tons of herbal teas that taste great and have negligible to no calories as long as you don’t add sweetener.

      2. Jane of all trades*

        Totally agree with the water / juice thing. Some days I really don’t want to drink water either, and then I just spritz a little lime juice into the water. It’s super cheap & easy (I use the store bought stuff – buying the actual fruit would certainly be healthier) and it gives the water a little flavor. I also brew large portions of tea I really like, let it cool, and then drink that.

    9. Kj*

      Can you swim or water walk at a public pool? I’m not a huge fan of diets, I agree with previous poster that they don’t work well and can be harmful in a lot of ways. I would suggest seeing if you can raise your activity level, even just a bit, and increase the health of your diet. Does anything suggest you have actual food allergies? I find that most elimination diets ‘work’ in the sense of you cut out low-quality carbs and junk food, so you feel better. But it isn’t that you are allergic to anything, it is that you are eating a high quality diet. Can you focus on healthier eating without the elimination aspect?

      Sorry to be a downer, but I do worry when people talk about elimination diets- they often lead to EDs and other long term issues.

      1. Thursday Next*

        It’s interesting that you said elimination diets work in the sense that they are high quality. I’m on day 16 of mine, and I’ve been thinking about this too. The diet has really shown me how much I rely on heavily processed foods, and how much non-nutritious food I eat. If the reintroduction phase doesn’t reveal any food intolerances, I’ll still feel like I learned something about the way I eat.

    10. Miles*

      What were the last 3 things you added back in before you fell off the wagon? Might want to just skip those this time around.

      That said I’m a firm believer in cutting out all sugar and their derivatives or similar counterparts except for organic non gmo fruit. Should be all you need. Oh, and fried starch as well, that breaks down into sugar.

      As for exercise, hit the swimming pool. It’s a lot easier on the joints and classes for pool exercises are usually pretty easily available.

    11. oldbiddy*

      I tried this, at the advice of my Dr. I had good results after minimizing gluten in my diet (also at her suggestion) so the next year she suggested I try it and see if I noticed any further differences. Long story short – I tried for a month, no weight loss, no additional improvement.
      Longer version – it made me crazy because it messed with my ability to feed myself easily, quickly and cheaply. Many of the things that you eliminate fit into similar categories. It’s not hard for me to stop eating wheat but still eat corn, for instance, or replace dairy with eggs, but it is a huge pain to have to get all my protein from meat or nasty pea-protein shakes.
      FWIW in the past I have followed 1600-calorie, moderate carb diets for a year or more and those worked much better for me personally.

    12. foolofgrace*

      Thank you, everyone who took the time and trouble to comment. I feel the love! It’s just what I needed. I will take your suggestions and recommendations into consideration in finding the right fit for me. I especially appreciated the tips about water consumption. Happy weekend, everyone!

    13. Aquablue4ever*

      I realize I’m late replying but in case you’re still checking, here is my experience:

      I did almost this same elimination diet when I was nursing my daughter. (Note: I didn’t stay away from sugar or sugar subs…) She developed eczema at around 5 months and she was too young for the allergy tests.

      It was tough. Not gonna’ lie. I LOVE dairy so dairy was really the hardest one. I didn’t eliminate all of them at the same time but did them one by one. I read that if you eliminate the allergen from your diet completely, it should only take a few days to notice a change. So I started with eggs first (and any product with eggs) for a few days and then moved on if my daughter’s eczema did not clear up.

      Dairy takes the longest for your body to “purge” the allergen. I think I read it can take upwards of 2 weeks. Of course, dairy was the culprit for us. I was so sad b/c I love dairy. The moment I completely stopped eating dairy, my daughter’s eczema cleared up. Like within 2 days.

      An elimination diet can be tough not only b/c it can involve ingredients that you love (like dairy for me), they can be everywhere. You become an expert at reading labels and all the other names these ingredients are called. Case in point: I was still having non-dairy creamer (the powdered kind) because the label said “non-dairy” so I didn’t bother reading the back of the label. Well, wouldn’t you know…casein is in the ingredient list. Casein is a by-product of dairy but apparently the brand could still call itself ‘non-dairy’. As you can imagine, I was very ragey when I found this out. lol.

      I was like 5 days into the dairy elimination diet and my daughter had this tiny patch of eczema that wouldn’t go away (the rest had cleared up). Within 1-2 days of stopping the “non-dairy” creamer, that patch disappeared.

      So my advice is to read labels religiously. Be prepared to cook most of your meals at home (if you’re not already) because we found 90% of the prepared stuff (spaghetti sauce, bread, crackers, etc..) all had stuff that I was eliminating. The good thing about cooking at home is, you’re also eating healthier (less salt, less butter/oil, you can add more veggies, etc..) And…you find out some recipes are super easy to make and cheaper than buying at the market or restaurant.

      I wouldn’t chose this method but finding the cause of my daughter’s eczema was the only motivation to stick with it. One interesting thing that happened was after not eating dairy for awhile, I found all forms of dairy really rich or salty after my daughter was weaned. Cheese? Super salty. Like unbearably salty. Prior to the elimination diet, I couldn’t stand skim milk. I had a tiny sip at some point and it was like “POW!” to my taste buds. It really opened my eyes to how desensitized I’d become when I was eating dairy regularly. I used to love cheeseburgers but I like hamburgers now.

      If you suspect a food allergy, then doing an elimination diet makes sense. However, if it’s to help with the weight loss, I would recommend getting a food scale and setting a reasonable calorie deficit. In my experience, that’s easier than doing the elimination diet. I got a food scale 2 years ago and was blown away when it showed me how many calories I was over-eating. (I didn’t think I was over-eating but the scale showed I was eating anywhere from 300-800 calories over each day…) Conversely, the food scale opened my eyes on how much I could not eat and still lose weight. I wanted to do the weight loss slow and steady so I picked to eat 100-150 calories less each day. I was surprised how little (visually speaking) that was. I love pasta but when I portioned out the 150 calories I was not going to eat, it was great seeing that I still had a nice amount of pasta left on my plate. Another example: If you normally drink juice or have a coffee drink as part of breakfast, that can easily be 150-600 calories for just that drink. By not drinking that, you’ve already eliminated a significant amount of calories.

      I guess my point is that you can start with small changes. You don’t need to do a “scorch-earth” approach to see noticeable changes.

      Hopefully I helped, even if it’s a little.

      Good Luck! =)

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Water. There is really not much about water that is likable. It’s pretty bland. But since our bodies need water to function I guess we could decide that we like having bodies that work correctly and water just happens to be one of the many ways we get there.
      It could be just me, but most of the diabetics I know absolutely HATE water and avoid it. I have used this insight to sometimes scaring myself to keep up with the water routine.

      When I started be more conscientious about diet and self care someone suggested squeezing a lemon wedge or lime wedge into a glass of water to make it seem more palatable. I did that for a while. Now I see in health food stores there are little bottles of liquid flavors that you can drop into water to give it that extra interest.

      For years I drank cold water out of the fridge. I never enjoyed it that much. I am now using room temp water and that seems to suit me better.

      1. RestlessRenegade*

        See, I find this SO strange! I LOVE water. Especially tap water, ice cold. I actually prefer tap over bottled. I know I’m lucky to live in a place where the tap water is safe to drink and there’s something about the slight chlorine taste that makes it feel more substantial than bottled. I typically drink 96+ ounces of a water a day (in addition to water I get from food and calorie/sugar-free flavored drinks), and if I drink any less, I can feel it.

        OP, I feel you. I am also obese and losing weight is really hard, even if you have perfectly functioning knees. Keep trying, because you’re worth it.

    15. Ron McDon*

      If you are following this food plan to lose weight rather than because you suspect a food allergy/intolerance, it sounds miserable.

      In the UK a tv show has recently been broadcast, confirming that people who are very overweight and have/are at risk of type 2 diabetes lost weight and reversed their diabetes by following an 800 calorie a day diet for 8 weeks, then moving on to eat low carb 5 days a week and fasting at 800 So I don’t necessarily agree with other comments about very low cal diets not working, but it does depend upon what you are trying to achieve.

      I found that Slimming World worked really well for me – I’ve been overweight/obese my whole life, and have a huuuuge appetite! Slimming World have a big list of free foods which you can eat as much of as you like, and still lose weight. I didn’t pay to go to classes etc, just looked up free foods and low syn/syn free recipes online, and adjusted how I cooked my favourite meals to make them healthier. I lost 3.5 stone very quickly and easily. I’ve now hit a bit of a plateau, so am upping my exercise.

      It’s fine to get very breathless when walking, just keep at it and gradually build up your walking time minute by minute. Your body will respond, and you will find it easier over time.

      Essentially, you need to find a way to eat more healthily that is sustainable and works for you over the long term. If you do a short term crash diet you are likely to put all the weight you’ve lost back on when you go back to your normal eating habits. The only way to lose weight and keep it off is to change how/what you eat forever. But finding a plan which works for you is the key.

      Good luck.

      1. Ron McDon*

        My browser is playing up and didn’t post my comment correctly!

        The second para, the plan referenced is the blood sugar diet by Michael Mosley.

        Participants followed an 800 cal a day plan for 8 weeks, then low carb for 5 days a week and 800 cal fast for 2 days per week. It’s thought that regular fasting resets the metabolism somehow.

  32. Bibliovore*

    So,so sick of being sick.
    Thanks for the Netflix recommendations. Expanse was good but not sure how much that I was a wake for.

  33. nep*

    Had my appointment with the PCP. My concern about opting out of weigh-in was unfounded, as many of you said it probably was. Zero resistance or issues.

    1. gecko*

      I’m glad it went well!! A year out I’m already nervous for my next PCP visit—a really bad experience with my most recent visit is just making me anxious. Gotta remember that it’s not normal…

      1. nep*

        I hear you.
        Everything else about it was meh–Typical mainstream medicine being-pushed-through-the-assembly-line experience. Bottom line and what was most important for me, I wanted to see what my blood pressure was (happy with that reading; it was great), and got the script for the blood work/metabolic panel and checking Vitamin D levels.
        All the best. Hope you won’t stress too much.

        2. Sparrow*

          I’m glad the weigh-in was a non-issue! I hope the rest of your results are reassuring too :)

  34. Victoria, Please*

    My sister and I are doing a 30-day “no cussing” challenge. Our rule is that if we say a cuss word aloud, even if no one else hears, we mark it. The kicker is….the penalty goes up by the Fibonacci sequence. Yesterday cost me $143!!! (If I added right.) I think we’re going to have to reset each day, or, man.

    Then we’re going to donate the money to something harmless — for me, it’ll be a particular initiative at my university which I think is sweet but I seriously don’t care about.

    1. Zona the Great*

      Wow! I love to cuss and am not sure I would participate as I would be out of house and home. What prompted your challenge?

      1. Victoria, Please*

        Chuckle. I’m doing it to support her, since she’s deployed overseas right now. She’s doing it because she’s in a leadership position and as she says, “Words matter,” so she resolved to be careful about hers for a little while and see what happened.

    2. Kuododi*

      Ok…silly question. What the actual heck is a Fibonacci sequence? I ask bc I chose my degrees in University/grad schools due in large part to my lack of skills in math and science. ;). Please explain in lay person language!!! Thanks bunches!!!!

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Its a list of numbers. You create each new numbers by adding the last two numbers together. So you start with two ones. 1, 1. One plus one is two. 1, 1, 2. One plus two is three. 1, 1, 2, 3. Two plus three is five. 1, 1, 2, 3, 5. And you keep going. 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34…

        As you can see, the numbers get bigger pretty quickly.

  35. Sunday rant on a Saturday*

    Posted a couple weeks back, but it occurred to me there’s something else on my mind, in addition to my anger issues.

    I, a man, do not trust women my age (20s), because I’ve had bad experiences when I tried, rather unsuccessfully, to try and initiate relationships with fellow students in college – nasty rejections etc. Reeeeeeaaaaaaaallllllllyyyyyy nasty, like cold shoulder and gossiping nasty.

    This, when mixed with my depression, sucked donkey balls. As in suicidal depression. In fact, one of the people I went off on was one of these two students, about a year later, because I felt that while I’d been devising various ways to obliterate my own earthly existence, she’d soared ahead in school, and didn’t have to pay a price for being a bitch.

    I get the feeling that they were used to being treated like high school royalty (they were in their early 20s, were incredibly attractive, and gave off a Mean Girls vibe, and I shoulda known better… plus I was a grad student in my mid-20s, so maturity gap).

    I maintain good relationships with middle-aged women in my circle, to the point that I would trust them with my life if I had to. I’ve just decided, out of a desire to defend myself, to write off an entire age group of an entire gender, so that I can’t get hurt by those people again. It’s easier to hate than to let people in.

    Again, I don’t think this is terribly healthy, and even though therapy costs $$, I’ll need to solve it. Just wanted to get it off my chest.

    1. gecko*

      Well, it sounds like the depression and those experiences have combined to give you a pretty misogynistic outlook. It’s not healthy for you, it’s not healthy for the world, and it’s certainly not healthy for anyone you might end up in a relationship or friendship with.

      I’m really glad you’re interested in solving this problem, because it’s actually quite concerning. This kind of anger is very, very dangerous, no matter the tragic backstory. You need to fix it.

      1. Sylvan*

        I don’t want to defend women who were mean to the OP, but it’s often difficult to reject men because their reactions can include threats or worse. A man who was nice and friendly before that can completely turn on you.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          You are bang on. I dated a guy a few years ago who seemed very interested in getting me to isolated places (“let’s go for a walk in the river valley tonight! Let’s go hiking in these woods!”) and it really freaked me out, especially for a third or fourth date. When I finally asked about it, he got defensive and pretty nasty. It was scary.

        2. gecko*

          I mean–I genuinely don’t think it’s necessary to defend the rejecters–it sounds like they were nasty to the OP, and it was really hurtful. I don’t want to minimize that; it feels awful. AND when you’re in a bad headspace like being suicidally depressed, that makes it even worse–distorts it into something very huge and dark and all-encompassing.

          So it’s understandable, OP, that you feel enormously resentful that the girl who rejected you “didn’t have to pay a price for being a bitch”–I mean, considering the comments section on the bully-related posts recently on AAM, most people here understand that–it’s a popular and comforting idea that people who are mean to you should pay. And it’s fine–normal–healthy–to be angry at people who hurt you. I frankly disagree that people have to pay a price for Where it goes wrong is when you extend this to an entire group.

          OP, I know I’m being quite straightforward that I think you are going down an extremely bad path here, and I want you to understand that I think you’re in a deep dark place and I understand how you got there. (And I’m trying not descend into cliche :) ). Therapy sounds really helpful in giving you tools to be vulnerable again and to identify cognitive distortions like “all women in their twenties are bitches”; and more than that, I think you deserve to feel ok again–even though it sounds like you aren’t suicidally depressed anymore, I’m guessing you’re still in a low place without much sunlight. Best of luck.

    2. Temperance*

      Have you thought about why you’re pursuing a certain type of woman – significantly younger, “high school royalty”, etc.? Have you dated peers, women who are around your age and have a lot in common with you? I don’t see anything in here about your achievements, interests, or your appearance, but that you were pursuing women who were likely in high demand.

      Hating all women in a certain group is a form of misogyny, and hating women because some have rejected you is how incels are made. IDK, I know a ton of nerdy guys who would pine after a certain type of woman, and then get angry when said women were more interested in other types of dudes (non-nerdy, basically).

      Therapy could help you figure out why you’re in this cycle. If you’re a grad student, it should be free or low-cost on campus.

      1. Sylvan*

        +1.

        Also recommending therapy. I had/have issues with relationships for other reasons and it is helpful.

        1. Sylvan*

          …I just want to add, now that I’m thinking about it, that my other reasons include long-term bullying and assault, and not getting rejected by two people. OP, you mention suicidal depression and long-standing anger, so it sounds like there is more to the problem than two people’s rejections. Talking to someone could help you feel better and get a handle on your behavior before the depression or anger issues escalate.

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        +1000

        Did you actually have any common interests with these women? All you say about them is that they were younger than you and good looking. That’s more than a little objectifying.

        Maybe you get along with “middle aged women” because you treat them like human beings not sex objects?

        You might try meeting women you have common interests with and like talking to, then explicitly ask them on dates rather than trying to Nice Guy them into a romance. If a woman is equally interested in you romantically, she will let you know.

        In the meantime, look into sliding scale or student health center therapy. Anger, bitterness and treating other people as a monolithic Other are not good ways to be. If you had a bad experience with 2 African Americans, would you say all black people should be written off? That’s what you are doing with women. Who are just individual humans, like you.

      3. Fiennes*

        Agreed. You have to look at why you asked out these women–who are younger than you, apparently fairly shallow, and not individuals who share your interests.

        Have you ever considered asking out one of the “middle-aged” women you know? Or even–if you have good friends who fit in this category–asking them to keep an eye out for someone they might set you up with?

        This is true for anyone who’s dating: Going after people who have zero in common with you is almost certainly going to end poorly. The things you have in common with them don’t have to include age, but they must include some important qualities, such as sense of humor, common interests, shared goals, etc.

    3. stellaaaaa*

      You do need to fix this and I’m glad you realize you need help. Try looking at this from the other side: you said you got nasty rejections. “Reeeeeeaaaaaaaallllllllyyyyyy nasty, like cold shoulder and gossiping nasty.”

      A really nasty rejection for a woman is a man stalking her, threatening to kill her.

      Also, no one owes anyone else a date. For any reason. “Thank you, but no” is a totally acceptable response.

      To be honest, I don’t know you but I am already terrified of your anger, so I can’t imagine how I would react if I had to turn you down in person.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I read a thread on twitter recently by a woman who was listening in on a group of female friends (I think seated next to her at brunch?) who had all chipped in on a pre-paid phone and gave the number out to guys who creeped them out, instead of giving out their real numbers. Predictably, a lot of responses from men (and some women, sadly) were “why not just say no if you’re not interested? This is why men don’t trust women: because they play these stupid games.” And lots of women pointed out exactly what you just said: for some women, rejecting someone means someone stalking them or worse. And then the shooting in Santa Fe happened, and the news was reporting that the shooter had been pursuing one of the victims for MONTHS and she kept turning him down. And I thought, this is why women hand out fake phone numbers.

        I don’t know if Margaret Atwood actually said this, but even so, it hears repeating: men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.

        1. Detached Elemental*

          To touch on your last paragraph, that’s a quote from the Handmaids Tale, which I reread recently.

    4. deesse877*

      Yeah, you do need to solve it. Not because there is something uniquely awful about you, but because you’re letting simple ideas blind you to complex truths. I agree with gecko, this sounds misogynist, but the point isn’t just that you feel bad, aggressive feelings about women your own age.

      The point is that you dismiss them–all of them–with a really simple formula, instead of looking for detail and nuance. And it isn’t even your own idea; it’s just a cliche. If you’re a grad student, in ANY field, you should know by now that real thinking involves constant adjustment, and constant search for novelty, not “oh here is one big truth the end now I can stop trying to understand.”

      Candidates for detail and nuance:

      1) How can I be OK without a relationship, at least for a while?
      2) Can I try, for a defined period of time, being friendly to women who I think of as relationship candidates, while NOT trying to date them, and NOT fantasizing about dating them?
      3) What’s up with the professional jealousy/resentment part? To what extent is this really about sexual relationships, and to what extent is it about ‘success’ in general?
      4) What do I know about younger women’s inner lives? What can I do to learn more? [My advice: read fiction and autobiography by women; works for film and TV too, though there’s a smaller pool to choose from in visual media. One interesting, if somewhat heavy, place to start is Mary Carr’s memoir _Cherry_, which is specifically about how weird and hard to understand both sexual and non-sexual relationships with boys and men were for her as a teenager in the 70’s.]

      In closing, I think misogynist thoughts all the time (and I’m a woman). They’re out there in the culture; they get inside you. You don’t need to become pure to fix yourself–just learn to say “hey, that was a fucked up thought I just had, I bet I can think a better one.”

      1. a good mouse*

        Yeah, I’m guessing there’s going to be piling on and I’m not trying to do that, but I think question 3 on your list is important.

        Her future success shouldn’t bother you this way. She’s not doing it AT you. She’s living her life. Just tell yourself your lives were not meant to interact on a romantic level and let her go. She didn’t owe you anything and the fact that you once asked her out and she said no doesn’t mean your lives should stay intertwined even on an “I resent her” level.

    5. Sunday rant on a Saturday*

      Y’know, I honestly didn’t want to admit to myself the kind of person I’m becoming, but I thank all of you for responding. I do need to buck up and not be a PoS. And I don’t want to contribute to the wider problem of misogyny at large, even though that’s what I’m doing. So I will definitely get help and try to pull myself up to a better place. And I realize that my OP wasn’t necessarily helpful for this effort.

      1. gecko*

        I replied again above before I saw this reply. Anonymous forums are just such an easy place to let out the darkest parts of ourselves. And that’s why they can be so helpful and so poisonous at the same time; it’s also easy for people responding to forget (me for instance) that they’re also not the sum total of everything you are.

        Very very seriously–you can get out of this dark place and you’ve already started. You deserve to feel better & to feel not so angry and bad, and you deserve help with that project. Best of luck.

      2. Fiennes*

        Seriously, it’s great that you’ve seen this and realized it’s distorted thinking. That’s the first and most critical step.

      3. Kj*

        Try reading Dr. Nerdlove- his site has a lot of advice for folks in your shoes. You are showing good self awareness, keep it up.

      4. LF*

        Kudos to you for recognizing that this is a toxic thought pattern and proactively wanting to change it.

      5. Zona the Great*

        Wow! I am impressed with this response. Good job and keep up the introspection.

      6. zora*

        Realizing and deciding to change something is LITERALLY the most important step!!! I believe in you, you can get to a better place. And not just because it’s good for society at large, but because it will make you a happier person!! It doesn’t feel good to be stuck in anger and sadness. Take care of yourself!!

      7. Sylvan*

        Awesome. It’s great that you’re working on this, as well as depression and anger issues. I hope you are in a better place soon.

      8. I'm A Little Teapot*

        The first step towards recovery is admitting you have a problem. You’re admitting there’s a problem. That is half the battle. Yes, get some therapy. Yes, try to get to know women as individuals. Yes, read/watch/enjoy writing and works by women.

        You can be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.

      9. Sparrow*

        Hey OP, I respect you a lot for listening to all of this and reflecting on it.
        I’m a 20-something woman who dates a lot of nerdy guys, because I’m nerdy too and that’s what I’m attracted to. I was never popular, and empathize with how hard it is to put yourself out there and try to figure out these really complex social codes around dating and sexuality, and to try and fail and fail again, when other people seem to do it really naturally. But there are all sorts of women out there, and you’ll get a lot further if you treat them with respect and awareness of consent and the harmful effects of misogyny and rape culture. It sounds like therapy could be helpful for you in a number of aspects, and I’m seconding Dr. Nerdlove as a good resource as well.
        Being vulnerable is a really hard thing, especially in a forum like this where you’re getting a lot of feedback, so thanks for that and good luck!

    6. Triple Anon*

      I think you’re reacting to a legitimate age issue. Younger people are generally less mature and therefore handle relationship situations less maturely. It is a huge generalization. But while you’re sorting through the effects of everything, have you considered dating older women? Are you attracted to older women? You could try to find a stable, healthy relationship with someone more mature, get to a better place emotionally, and then make peace with younger people as a group (but you don’t have to date them).

    7. LilySparrow*

      I understand where you’re coming from, and I think the fact that you already recognized how destructive these thoughts were shows that you are not inherently entitled or misogynistic. Depressive weaselbrain distorted thoughts are symptoms, not part of your character.

      One track you could follow with your therapist – or even consider on your own – that might be helpful, is to figure out how to identify safe people, who are kind and honest. How do those behaviors correlate with the women you find attractive? How can you be a safe person yourself?

      When you get to the point in life that you’re seeking relationships based on positive character qualities instead of externals, you open up great opportunities.

      I wish you the best!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      My friend has been divorced twice. Of himself he says, “I need to learn how to pick better.”

      I think we all can learn something about picking, we pick family that we chose to remain close to, we pick friends, we pick SOs and we pick the people that we look up to in life. That’s a lot of picking, which probably means there’s a lot to learn about how to do it.

      I could be off track here but it sounds like you actually value x, y and z characteristics but you pick women with a, b and c characteristics.

      This is something I wish someone had told me decades ago, it’s in our friendships that we start to learn about what we want with a long term SO. Why that was not clear to me, I have no clue. Think about your friendships that have been successful in life. What were the positives there? Those same characteristics will probably be of value to you in identifying your soul mate or at least help you in making stronger choices in dating.

      You are very wise to understand your brain is going down the wrong roads. You have put a lot of thought into this so far and I am very optimistic for you. Consider adding positives to your mix of thoughts, start thinking about what works in your good relationships. Look beyond the age and gender of the person and consider a wide variety of positive interactions. All you are looking for here is common factors, the characteristics you value that come up over and over regardless of age or gender.

  36. Nervous Accountant*

    Second week of PT with the podiatrist went OK so far. He diagnosed it as tendonitis and put an emphasis on relieving the pain on the top of the foot (which will lead to relief on the calves). The sessions are pretty quick, they do an ultrasound on each foot and (I don’t know what this is called) they wrap the foot in a sleeve, turn on a machine and it tingles. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I used the compression socks my mom gave me and they’re actually super helpful. A few times, I didn’t even feel pain (!) while walking, but I’m taking it easy, and doing the other things he recommended (icing, calf stretches, taking anti inflammatory 2x a day).

    I also saw the nutritionist finally. She recommended the plate method (1/2 veggies 1/4 lean protein 1/4 good starches) which seems way too simple but worth a shot. She answered most of the questions I had at the time. I wouldn’t mind seeing her again, but the location is super inconvenient (about 45 min away from work driving OR public transit) so I may switch later on, but I didn’t have to pay a copay to see her, so that was great!

    I had printed out about 4 weeks of diet log for the visit and she pointed out where I was going wrong and how to modify it. Even though I *thought* I was cutting carbs, I was still eating too many calories and fat, and the carb intake was very inconsistent. So the “plate” method is supposed to help I guess. I just hope my pain will go away soon sO i can begin exercising again. I’ve always had better luck losing weight w/ exercise alone.

    1. WellRed*

      Sounds like a productive visit. As to the plate method, simple is often the best.
      Well done for bringing 4 weeks of logs. I am lucky if manage 2.

    2. Sylvan*

      The machine that makes your leg tingle sounds like a TENS unit.

      I’m glad the nutritionist is helping.

      1. msroboto*

        You can purchase TENS units pretty inexpensively. A quick Amazon search shows most under 50.00. I didn’t read reviews to see what I would pick but it’s not an out of reach if you wanted to buy one.

    3. Kuododi*

      I’m also diabetic and attended a recent diabetic education class sponsored by the hospital where DH is employed. Long story short, the plate method was what the nutritionist taught during her. Portion of the program. I have found it very helpful in getting my sugars in check without having to weigh, measure and inventory each bite that went in my mouth. I was told if was still unable to get my sugars under control, there would be the option to go to the carb counting method, but it was entirely my choice. Glad to hear things are picking up for you.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Great update! Glad the socks are helping. It was a mental hurdle for me, too, but it was so worth it. Especially because I had some long days of travel by car and plane lately. That woulda suuuuuucked without them.

      There are cute ones on Amazon, which makes them feel less geriatric.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Not a diabetic but I just went through a period here of leg pain and foot pain. It turns out the reason for the pain was I had been neglecting my veggies. In the past I had been pretty diligent about having veggies, but I got busy and that slipped somehow. Then the pain came in. The veggies are back!

  37. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    Getting a late start on the weekly running thread, but aside from the usual…what’s the most nervous you’ve been before a race? DO you get nervous? And how do you deal?

    Part of the reason I’m asking is that…my club’s first team race is coming up next week. (Like, our VERY first that we’re doing as a team.) It’s a race I’m familiar with (it’s a 5k, and one of the larger ones in my area), but also I feel quite a bit of pressure to perform well. And my recent races haven’t gone perfectly – both times I shot out too fast. (Somehow, this is less of a problem for me with longer races.)

    I feel more confident now than I did back in March (which was probably the worst I’ve felt mentally before a race – the entire week before NYC Half I was on pins and needles), but…I have numbers constantly running through my head. Which is fine, but also I have things I need to do that AREN’T running. (For starters, the place we don’t speak of on weekends. And…like, other things.)

    To be honest, what’s helped a lot for me is posting here. You guys are all awesome (and thanks for dropping by even though I only intermittently respond!), and honestly it’s fun to talk about everyone’s experiences. (Plus, y’all don’t judge.)

    1. Red*

      Just went for my first run after being in the psychiatric ward for 4 days and IT FELT SO GOOD. Like, I missed it so much. I don’t get nervous before races. I know I’m going to be one of the last to finish and that’s fine with me. Whatever, yo.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Dude. I’m really sorry to hear that – and I’m glad you’re out now. Hopefully this week goes better – you’re still off work, right?

        Also, I wish I could be that relaxed about races in general! A lot of it, I think, is that I’m a little more obsessive about times and strategy than I should be. (I’m a terminal perfectionist.)

        1. Red*

          Yeah, I go back on the 15th. It’s nice to be away from work, and excellent to be out of the hospital!

            1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

              I thought so! That’s good that you at least have another week off.

    2. A bit of a saga*

      I’ve only done one team race and I was mainly afraid I’d collapse (this was 5k back in what was essentially my non-running days – not sure how I came up with the idea of entering!) Now I’m mainly nervous about letting myself down. I think the main thing that helps me is to be well-prepped – follow my training plan, sleep well, eat ok, put out my race gear in advance so I’m not looking for my favourite socks the day of the race. It gives me a feeling of ‘well there isn’t anything else I could have done’. Goo luck, you’ll be fine!!

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Honestly, I’m not worried about letting myself down. I’m in much better shape this year than last (I did this race individually last year), so I’m pretty sure I’ll do much better than I did last year. (As in, at least a minute faster.) It’s just that the higher I (and the other guys) place, the better we score.

        Granted, I don’t think anyone is expecting to win, including me. But it’d be cool if we did.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I probably mentioned this before, but the only time I was ever nervous before a race of any length was at the start line the last time I ran a marathon. At the time, I took the fact that I got nervous as a signal that running marathons was not for me. Now I see things differently — that it was a sign that I didn’t train properly and wasn’t ready and I knew it — and this year I’m going to make adjustments and get back on the horse, and see what happens.

      However, I realize our situations aren’t directly comparable because I just run for myself and you’re part of a team, and others are counting on you. In that situation, I think anyone would be a little nervous! But based on what you’ve posted here, you’ve totally got this and have NOTHING to worry about.

      I am also really grateful and happy to have a place to talk about running. I absolutely love to talk running, but my poor wife and the few friends I have are all of the “I only run if something’s chasing me” camp. A coworker who works in a different department is a runner, but I get so excited when we talk about running that I think she interprets it as my having a thing for her! And we’re both happily married, so… that’s fraught. Long story short, I’m glad to be able to talk running with total strangers. :-)

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        REALLY late response (basically, had a cold yesterday and spent the entire day in bed), but…yeah, I do remember that!

        For me, like…you’re right – a lot of it IS people counting on me, and me counting on myself. It’s cool in some ways, since…hey, I like blowing the doors off and doing awesome things. But also, it’s going to sound a hell of a lot like humblebragging (because it is), but a lot of people have mentioned that if I worked harder and keep improving I could be really good (like, a top amateur/sub-elite). Which is great – I know a couple of runners like that, they’re living their best lives. But also…I don’t think that it’s for me, if that makes sense. Basically, I get told that I could be great, but I hear that as I should be great – and think about what that means and just go, “nope.” You’re probably right that I’ve got this, but…it’s just that I strangely kind of resent having expectations placed on me, almost.

        (And to cross the streams with the Mental Health thread – that last part is something I’ve done a lot of in my life, and I’m trying to let go of it.)

        My IRL friends…also mostly fall into the category of “I’m only running if I’m being chased by a bear.” (Or, “wow, that’s SUPER fast.”) My club actually tends a bit towards the opposite – we’re open to everyone, but it’s more dominated by the kinds of guys who draw up elaborate marathon training plans and such. (Everyone is cool, but there’s a bit of Type A in there – including from me.) I’m glad this has been a great outlet for you, though – from my perspective, speaking to everyone (and you especially) has been…not a lifesaver, per se, but it’s definitely helped keep me grounded over the past few months.

    4. Jane of all Trades*

      Hello! I always like reading your thread, although I don’t usually post.
      Hope your race is going to go great next week! I also have one coming up on Saturday – a 5 miler. Will be going with friends but we will all run at our own pace and reconvene at the finish – I’m a slow-ish runner and I think running with a team would make me nervous for that reason.
      I started running in November, and because of the cold spring it’s only been two or three weeks that it’s beeb consistently warm here – how do you guys deal with the heat when running? It exhausts me and slows me down from what my usual speed would be absent the heat. Probably will take a break and set my next race for October or so.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I have the same problem with running in the heat! I don’t race at all between June and about October, generally. On super hot days (when it’s 80 and up first thing in the morning) I skip running. Some unlucky years, when we get prolonged heat waves in the NYC area, this means I don’t run for 4-5 days straight. On the plus side, it gives me a (not always wanted) chance to rest my body and come back strong the next week. When I do run in hot weather, I slow down and make sure I get enough water.

        1. A bit of a saga*

          One piece of advice I got was a really cold shower before you set off – I can’t say that’s what did the trick but at least I didn’t collapse when I did my last race in really hot weather. Normally it’s not that bad here but otherwise I try to go later in the evening (mornings are a logistical nightmare for me) and run for less time.

        2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Running through what was unexpectedly an absolute cauldron of a morning got some more ideas in my head. Sometimes when it’s really hot, I have my internal DJ play cold songs. “Hazy Shade of Winter” by the Bangles. “Cold as Ice” by Foreigner. The entire Leroy Anderson orchestra playing “Sleigh Ride” or “Christmas Festival,” if it’s hot enough. Or I’ll imagine a really large serving of ice cream I’ll eat once I finish.

      2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        First of all – it’s normal to slow down. Especially for endurance events, most people tend to perform “worse” in the late spring and early summer since their bodies are still getting used to the warmer temperatures. (For what it’s worth, when I was running track as a kid, I preferred the heat. But that’s because I only ran short distances.) So slowing down is the first step – don’t worry if you’re not running as fast as you usually do. A couple of weeks ago, my club ran the local 10k course, and it was warm and muggy (like 80s and high humidity) out. I felt like I was dying after 7 miles (we jogged a mile there). It felt harder than the actual race, which was closer to mid-60’s temperature-wise and much drier.

        We were running roughly 7:00/mi for the course (getting faster at the end). When I raced it, I ran around 35:50 (so, about a minute per mile faster).

        Continue to train, but avoid going out during mid-day hours – if you can get out early in the morning, that’s probably the best. (I’m not a morning person, but I’m planning on running at 4:30 tomorrow morning because it’ll be 95 degrees later on. You don’t have to be THAT early – I like going to work early, which is why – but if you can go around 6-7 AM, that’s probably ideal temperature-wise.) Late in the afternoon or even at night is a decent alternative – but usually temperatures are still somewhat high from the day.

        Know where your water stops are, and try to stick to more shaded areas. That lowers your exposure to the heat, obviously. Also, remember to stay hydrated (which is something I forget a lot).

        Finally, dress smart, of course. Use lighter clothing (fabrics, colors, that sort of thing) and if you want, definitely soak things in cold water (like neckerchiefs and wristbands and stuff) to wear on runs.

        With races, this goes double. (Unless you run for a club that wears black as a primary color. Our singlets are nice-looking, but I’m thankful that I only have to wear it for 3 miles next Sunday!) Don’t set out to PR, but DO remember to take water along the course. Normally, I’m a soaking mess in hotter races because I’ve dumped so much water on myself. You’re running a 5-miler, so hopefully there’s water about every mile or so – which should be good enough. Good luck – and as always, keep us posted!

  38. Falling Diphthong*

    Wait Wait just passed on a CDC report: we are eating an extra 1300 cal/week from free food at work.

    2. Sylvan*

      I can believe it.

      I weigh 5-10 pounds less when I don’t have a daily free food situation at work.

    3. Loopy*

      I saw that. I’m so awful at turning down free food, especially homemade. What helps is if the situation is right, I’ll wrap it to take home and have at a better time/when i actually can afford to eat it, at least. I’ve gotten only a smidge better over the years. Friday I forgot my breakfast though and has some oatmeal in my desk rather than opting for a breakfast cupcake… so, small victories I guess.

    4. zora*

      A bonus of working in an office mostly populated with nutritionists is that everyone is super healthy. And as the person who orders food for the office, I only want to order things people will actually want to eat! So, unlike some of our other national offices who do lots of donuts and bagels and big spreads of junk food, I order veggie/hummus platters, or for some meetings we even just each order a fancy coffee drink instead of providing a breakfast spread.

      Of course, it’s also a benefit of being in San Francisco, where everyone wants healthy food for delivery so we have tons of options. It’s much harder in other locations.

    5. Woodswoman*

      Sounds right to me. At Old Job, the ever present candy bowl was my nemesis, stuff I would never have around otherwise. Combine that with frequent baked treats that people would bring in, and it was tough. And on top of that was the cafe downstairs, and I was doomed. I am so relieved that I don’t have to navigate all that extra food at my current job. Although people will occasionally bring in homemade treats, it’s not a regular thing.

    6. Red Reader*

      Mine is all because I work from home and have a kitchen full of food. (I wish it was free. Hah. :) )

  39. AlligatorSky*

    I’m in London next week, and on the Thursday and Friday, I’ll have nothing to do in the evenings. Anyone know of anything fun I can do instead of sitting in my hotel room? I would usually go to the cinema, but there’s no movies out just now that capture my interest.

    Also, does anyone have any suggestions of cool museums in London I should check out?

    1. Max Kitty*

      Are you interested in the theatre? You can get a same-day ticket at the TKTS booth at Leicester Square for whatever they’re offering that captures your interest (I got a good-price ticket there for The Play that Goes Wrong and it was hilarious!).

      Are you at all interesting in World War II? Then The Cabinet War Rooms is awesome. It’s where the government ran the war. Right near Westminster Abbey.

      The Museum of London is a great historical overview.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I love theatre! I’m seeing Heathers the Musical on Saturday afternoon and night and I can’t wait! I’ve heard great thing about The Play that Goes Wrong, I might see if I can get tickets! Will also make sure to stop by the TKTS booth, thank you!

        I LOVE WW2 stuff. I’m fascinated by it. Obviously I don’t love the fact that it happened, but I love seeing artefacts from seeing actual places involved in big historic events.

        Thank you very much for this. I shall be going to the The Cabinet War Rooms and The Museum of London on Friday!

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I like the sound of this, thank you! I’m excited to go, the website looks amazing, so I can’t imagine how fascinating the actual place must be!

        2. Funny Ha-Ha*

          1000 times YES to The Play That Goes Wrong. We saw it in December; it is spectacularly funny. Best thing we did that week.

    2. Bagpuss*

      Which part of London are you going to be in?
      I’d suggest going to the theatre in the evening, at least once. There are loads of things on, many (even things that are sold out)may have returns or day tickets, and while premium seats are expensive you get see lots of things for £10 – £30
      Museums – I have a very soft spot for Sir John Soane’s hose, which is a glorious magpie’s collection.
      If you are interested in natural history the Grant Museum of Zooolgy is interesting (mostly Victorian specimens, including,as I recall, various models mad in blown glass, of some sea creatures)
      The Old Operating Theatre in St Thomas’ Street is a Victoria operating theatre in an old church, and is a medical museum (and believed to be the oldest surviving operating theatre in Europe)
      Leighton House in Kensington is gorgeous – the house was built for Lord Leighton (who painted ‘Flaming June’ among other stuff. The house was built to his specifications and is glorious inspired by Islamic art and buildings, with wonderful tiling and mosaics, as well as lots of art. (Leighton’s studio is set up as it was when he was using it)
      The Geffrye Museum in Hackney is interesting if you like history-it has a series of rooms furnished in the style of different historical periods, from medieval through to the present. (also some small, but pleasant gardens, again based on different historical periods, from a medieval herb garden to a Victorian garden. And their own bees. It’s based in some former almshouses.
      There is also Dennis Severs’ house. I haven’t been, but it is designed to to showcase the lives of single family, in the 18th C. THe property is lit by candlelight and set up as if the occupants have just stepped out of the room. I think you have to pre book for a specific time ( and it’s something you could do in an evening, it’s open until 9, I think, but not every day)
      If you like fashion, there is the Fan Museum in Greenwich.

      1. Bagpuss*

        If you’ve never been, Westminster abbey is worth visiting, and has just opened a new museum above the abbey.

        Th British Museum opens late (till 8.30) on Fridays.

        1. AlligatorSky*

          Westminster Abbey! I can’t believe I forgot about that place. I’ve never been; I’m also wanting to visit St Paul’s Cathedral. Will make sure to stop by those places. Thank you :)

          1. Libervermis*

            I highly recommend going to a service at both Westminster Abbey and St. Paul’s – Evensong is fairly short, mostly music, and lovely. Plus going for a service means you get in for free, and you get a religious or cultural (depending on your relationship to the religion in question ) experience out of it.

            Going to services is my favorite way to visit places of worship.

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              Oh and yes to going to services. I do this all the time, especially if it’s a sung service. They are usually incredibly beautiful if you like that sort of music.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Ha, if you go to the new museum at Westminster and see some watercolours of the archaeological work that went on, you might see me! I didn’t realise the new museum was open now.

          There’s also the Mithraeum (reconstructed Roman temple) which is now open, I believe.

      2. AlligatorSky*

        Wow, thank you so much for this! I’ll be staying in Ealing. I was going to stay in central London, but I saved over £300 by staying a little bit further away, and I discovered that I can get the train to Paddington and be there in 9 minutes, so I’m pretty happy with that. I was also thinking about staying near the Excel, but the hotel increased their prices, so I had to abandon that thought.

        This is a great list, I have all day Friday, a little bit of Saturday and a little bit of Sunday too, so this is amazing. I’ve added them all to my list, and any places that I don’t see now, I’ll make sure I visit when I come back in July. You are best! (Really, really loving the sound of The Old Operating Theatre. I have a morbid things obsession, so that sounds fantastic.)

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I can’t get over how huge the Excel is. I was there for MCM Comic Con last month and the sheer size of the place just blew me away. I love the water next to it and the Aloft (?) purple hotel next door too. I took lots of photos of the Excel, water and the Aloft too. So pretty! (Even the abandoned looking building across the water looked cool, I took photos of that too!)

            1. London Calling*

              Yep, it’s 100 acres of formerly derelict dockland. A walk up the venue and back along the dock is my lunchtime constitutional and takes a good 25-30 minutes if I don’t hurry. The building over the other side of the dock is the Millenium Mills. Did you see the cranes on the waterfront? they are remnants of when that area was a working dock. Royal Victoria Dock, which is the site of the Excel, was built to take ironclad steamships.

              https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennium_Mills

              1. AlligatorSky*

                I did see the cranes yeah. I remember wondering where they were from, I had no idea they were remnants! That’s so cool. I’m looking at the wiki link and I’m glad I finally know what those buildings that I could see were. The photos I took show the Millennium Mills, the Rank Hovis Premier Mill and 2 boats in front of them. I took the photos showing the boats because I thought one of them kinda looked like the Titanic. The other one was completely painted red, which baffled me. That’s a pretty cool place to go for a lunchtime walk, I have to admit that I’m jealous!

                2. AlligatorSky*

                  That’s the one I saw! Looking at the wiki photo of it, I don’t know why the hell I thought it looked like the Titanic.

    3. London Calling*

      Museum of Brands near Ladbroke Grove tube. Basically the history of advertising and commerce since the mid-Victorians right up to IIRC the 1980s or 1990s and a lot more fun than it sounds. Guarantee you will be walking around going ‘Oh, we used to eat that! we used to have one of thise! my auntie used to use that!”

      Friday evening a lot of museums and galleries do late nights. National Gallery, V&A to name two

      https://www.visitlondon.com/things-to-do/whats-on/art-and-exhibitions/late-museum-and-gallery-openings-in-london

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Ooh, I’m fascinated by advertising and history, thank you! I actually used to study advertising and public relations, so this is very cool. I LOVE seeing old ads for things. So fascinating to see how times and ads have changed over the years. Ahh I’m so excited!!

        Hoping you can answer this, but if not, no worries. Please feel free to roll your eyes at this insanely stupid tourist question; I can feel myself even rolling my own eyes at how stupid I sound. Can you buy normal Oyster cards from a machine? I have a visitors Oyster card, but I’m wanting to get an actual one, as you can’t top up online and check your balance from the app with the visitors one.

        1. London Calling*

          Everything you need to know about Oysters here! don’t forget to tap in at the start of a journey and tap out even if the barriers are open and you can walk through.

          Get an Oyster card or top up your pay as you go credit online with a contactless and Oyster account (if you live in the UK), or at:

          Online with a contactless and Oyster account (if you live in the UK)
          Oyster Ticket Stops
          All Tube, London Overground and TfL Rail stations
          Some DLR and National Rail stations
          Emirates Air Line terminals (top-up only)
          Oyster sales line on 0343 222 1234 (TfL call charges)
          Visitor Centres
          The Tramlink Shop (in Croydon)

          More info is on the TFL website

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I forgot to tap out once and was charged a penalty. I’m still so annoyed at myself for that. I also once went to top up my card and my balance was -£5. I was so amused I took a photo!!

            I can’t get over how amazing the underground is. Where I live in Scotland, there’s one train an hour. I’m amazed that if I miss a train on the underground, I only have to wait a minute or 2 for the next one. It just blows my mind.

            The TFL site is my bible for this journey. Thank you for the help and for answering my dumb questions, you are the best!

            1. London Calling*

              My pleasure – I’m just very glad that you weren’t put off London by what happened last time. You sound like you are having a fantastic time and enjoying yourself a lot.

              1. London Calling*

                Going to have a fantastic time, I should say – just realised you aren’t there yet!

              2. AlligatorSky*

                I actually very nearly cancelled this entire trip after what happened last time. I gave myself some time to calm down and feel a little better about the whole thing. I’m still a little nervous about being out at night, but I’m hoping that by staying in populated areas, I should be okay. If I do feel too nervous, I’ll just get the train back to my hotel. Thankfully my hotel is pretty much across the road from a train station. 20 minute walk to the nearest underground station though, ooops!

        2. Reba*

          If you have a contactless card (bank card or credit car), you can just use that to enter! Dunno if that helps. I found the Oyster stuff confusing when I was in London recently, but was determined to use the tube because I am a transit enthusiast.

          Another suggestion, if it is close to your other activities, we had a blast at the Southbank Center food market. all the stands were South Asian themed when we were there.

          I hope you have a lovely trip! Sounds fun.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I love the Southbank Centre! I’ve been a couple of times, but I’ve never really had to chance to explore it. Will make sure I do it this time!

            Thank you! I’m really excited!

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Ah keep forgetting about that museum of brands. Or the Design Museum looks pretty good too.

        I did the V&A for the first time in years a few weeks ago for their Ocean Liner exhibit and forgot how huge the place is – I got lost in 18th century ironworking and couldn’t find the exit!

    4. Lady Russell's Turban*

      London has some fun walking tours, even in the evening. There are also walking tour apps such as Detour.

    5. Jemima Bond*

      The Design Museum in Kensington is v cool. You can walk from Kensington High Street tube stop.
      Also if you are in Ealing the tube into town is probably easier and more frequent than a train into Paddington,

  40. Jessen*

    Happy story time and reminder to be nice to yourself!

    I was doing a little life review lately. By pretty much any account, I’ve had a mess of a life. I had my first suicide plan at age 8. I was likely depressed as a teen, but I never really was allowed to talk to anyone without my mom there, and she’d have just gotten mad. I dealt with an abusive relationship in college exacerbated by some frankly sexist teachings – and followed by some extremely terrible mental health treatment that didn’t do anything to help. 4 years ago I was only saved from homelessness because a friend let me stay in their spare room while I recovered from a rather treatment resistant case of mental illness. A year ago I was staying with emotionally abusive family. 6 months ago I took a jump on a cheap apartment not knowing how it would work out.

    And you know what? I just turned 30 a few months back. I don’t have the best job ever, but I’m making it. I’m in my own apartment wishing a happy adoptionversary to a beautiful little snuggle of a cat. It’s a mess, and it’s going to take a bit of work to get everything organized (and a lot of donating things), but it’s doable. I’m setting up to go back to school in the fall and get a better degree. I didn’t think I’d get here.

    And this has been one of the places on the internet (odd for a workplace blog, I know) that helped me get the idea that it’s ok to be nice to yourself, and to make choices because they’re good for you right now – and that it’s ok to not make the “best” choice ever, just the one that’s good for you.

    1. LPUK*

      I’m really pleased to hear of your progress. Don’t play-down your achievement in pulling yourself onto a different track! This stuff is hard and you’re doing really well. Enjoy snuggles with your cat in your new home address take time to appreciate the progress you’ve made. Love having my own home and i’ve also learned that to treat myself and have nice things around me… even if that means a small bunch of marked-down grocery store flowers that I can take pleasure in looking at on my coffee-table, or a new-to-me book I can lose myself in.

      1. Jessen*

        As far as downplaying, I’d also say it’s recognizing that I don’t need the perfect to be happy. There are a lot of things in my life I like. There’s some I don’t! There’s always going to be some I don’t, and I don’t need to be unhappy because I haven’t made it to exactly where I want to be yet. Just keep moving forward.

    3. Thursday Next*

      That is AMAZING. Go you! You’ve accomplished a tremendous amount of important stuff. This internet stranger is impressed by and happy about the life you’ve established for yourself.

    4. Nervous Accountant*

      I’ve been through the same, and it’s an amazing feeling knowing that while we’re not at the “perfect” place, at least we’re on our way there. That itself is an accomplishment. Great job.

    7. Belle di Vedremo*

      Wow, this is terrific, thanks for telling us!
      And I love your description of your “beautiful little snuggle of a cat.” You have a nice way with words.

      Congratulations, we’re happy for you.

    8. Sparrow*

      I’m very impressed by all that you’ve overcome. I hope you can continue to acknowledge that and give yourself credit for accomplishing something very challenging when you look back on your life. I agree that being kind to yourself is a surprisingly difficult thing to do sometimes! Happy sunggle-versery to you and the kitty, and good luck!

  41. Snark*

    Due to a short gap between my old [redacted] from which I was laid off and my new Federal [redacted], I’m enjoying something I haven’t gotten in a decade and a half: SUMMER BREAK! I’ve been hiking every day, doing midweek camping trips, hanging out with Little Snark and Snarkette, and generally being a relaxed and stress-free human being for a few weeks!

    1. Sherm*

      Sounds fantastic! The last time I had a few weeks off was 12 years ago, when I too lost my [redacted, hah!]. I was so relaxed and it showed, even though I didn’t have anything lined up for a while. Just having some free time (and being away from a toxic b*ss) did wonders for me.

  42. Anon in the city*

    Thanks to those of you who commented when I first wrote in some weeks back about my partner wanting a separation. What’s happened in the meantime is that we’ve done that – we are taking turns to be with the kids and elsewhere and will do that for the next couple of months and then see where we are. We’ve started seeing a counsellor and I’m seeing someone on my own. It’s so difficult – my feelings are all over the place and I just don’t know what I want anymore! It’s one thing to know that things are not going great but chugging along but an entirely different to suddenly have to face all of that when the rug is pulled out from under you.

    1. WellRed*

      I wish I could remember the name of the NYT (?) Article about a woman similarly blindsided. She told him to take all the space he needed, etc. But she wouldnt move ahead with any divorce stuff. I recall, in that case, it was as much about hitting that rut so many people get into a certain lifepoints without ever seeing it. I am glad you are getting counseling.

    2. Jane of all Trades*

      Hang in there! It’s totally normal to not know what you want right this moment – allow yourself the time to process! Glad you have a therapist to help you, and sending you positive vibes!

  43. a good crafter*

    Is anyone else going to San Diego Comic Con?

    I’ve been looking forward to it for months. Also I just found out my dolls were accepted into the art show!

    2. MommaChem*

      Late to the thread but congrats! The family & I are going to SDCC as well, even have a few cosplay days planned. This will be our second time going. Looking forward to Hall H and a SPN bar nite without the teenagers. Have fun!

  44. Alex the Alchemist*

    So this Tuesday I’m about to start kickboxing, yay! I have scoliosis and it’s something my former physical therapist recommended to help strengthen my back, as the fact that I have very little muscle on my body is largely what exacerbates my pain. My mental health therapist also is excited for me to do this, as he thinks it’ll really help with my anxiety, and I totally agree (I’ve found that yoga and more meditative exercise don’t do it for me, but more aggressive exercise does). However, I know that with the strengthening, my pain is going to be up for a while and I’m not quite sure how to manage it. My pain meds and muscle relaxers have already been doubled as of March (and I’m in grad school far away from my PCP), and while I know I could take another dose of my muscle relaxers during the day, they make me pretty sleepy and I don’t want to deal with that. I just want to make sure that I’m feeling good-ish and functioning for work the next day while I’m getting used to the new exercise routine. Any suggestions?

    1. annakarina1*

      Congratulations! I’ve been taking Muay Thai for years, and it’s challenging and tough, but a lot of fun.

      I would say to start with beginner classes, and focus on technique, since there is a lot to throwing an effective kick or punch. Most trainers are skilled in dealing with various levels and any modifications that you may need. The classes usually have active movement to warm the body up, and you can do stretching afterwards. Good luck, I hope it goes well!

    2. Kuododi*

      When I started karate some time ago my Sensei did a great job with emphasizing stretching before the workout as well as stretching to cool down. (Trust me… I had less than zero experience in the martial arts!!!) I found good thorough stretching to be one of the most helpful things in pain management. I also used hot baths/hot showers to relax muscles after each workout. Sounds like fun!!! Best wishes!!!

    3. LilySparrow*

      I have chronic, intermittent pain from autoimmune issues. I take daily supplements of fish oil, turmeric, and vitamin D. Check for any med interactions (especially turmeric, as it thins your blood). But it definitely helps keep down the overall level of ouchie so that it’s intermittent instead of chronic constant pain.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed and adding: I mentioned up thread how I needed to increase my veggies to help with pain and that does work. I also added collagen, which comes in a powder and you add it to water. This also reduced pain levels all over the place and it reduced the frequent muscle injuries I was getting.
        You may benefit from a protein drink mix to help build muscle again. Muscles also use a bunch of calcium.
        Your best bet it to talk with someone who actually sees you and goes over your setting with you. This could be a nutritionist or it could be someone else.

    4. Jane of all Trades*

      Hey! Great plan! I started kickboxing about 9 months ago and noticed that it works wonders for my anxiety! I hope it will have the same effect for you!
      In my classes we always start with very challenging warm up workouts – a lot of focus on abs, glutes and arm muscles. There is a lot of pressure to challenge yourself to your limits in those workouts (which I think is fine absent health-issues but might present a risk for you since you probably want to build strength a little more slowly). Might I suggest that you tell the coach about your limits before class, so that they can offer suggestions on how to make the exercises a little easier before you have had a chance to get fully in shape? Maybe also set yourself limits to make sure you don’t exaggerate – could be something like – I’ll do the first set of burpees, and then I’ll do squats for the second set – or whatever works best for you!

    5. Clever Name*

      I have scoliosis (I had a spinal fusion to correct it as a child) too. I tend to get neck and shoulder pain, which may or may not be related. Sometimes I take pain relievers for it, but I’ve found that using stuff like tiger balm, thermacare heat pads, alternating ice packs and hot compresses is really effective. Massage really helps too.

    6. Kuododi*

      Another thought occurred to me a few minutes ago. Make sure to work with your instructor to adapt maneuvers to your physical issues. I say that because my first Sensei advised all of his students to work to their physical abilities rather than trying to pull off big fancy maneuvers like the ones seen in martial arts movies. I never managed to be able to do the impressive jump spinning back kicks to my opponent head bc I am short statured, short legged, with back and hip problems. I did develop a vicious knee kick to compensate!!! Once I worked “with” my body and adapted moves to my physical abilities I also had less pain and discomfort. Have fun!!!

    7. Sparrow*

      Could you possibly adjust the timing of your current med regimen to better cover the pain after the workout? Or try smaller but more frequent doses? Taking ibuprofen before the pain got bad was helpful to me when recovering from an injury.

  45. Anon with mono*

    Has anyone had mono as an adult? I’m looking for any advice/tips/etc. I think I’m 2-3 weeks into it, but was just diagnosed as the throat symptoms just kicked in. This is truly one of the worst things I’ve experienced.

    My family really want to support but it’s complicated with them, what are some non-invasive things I can ask them to help me with? I was thinking things like dishes/laundry/food prep? Ideally things that have a time limit.

    What worked for you to get better? I’ve stripped back all my social commitments and have been basically just lying around, having naps, watching tv, and feeding myself. Any ideas for things to do? I’m getting real bored but also have to take so many rest breaks (even just after making food).

    Also, I’m in a new relationship with someone I’m super into. He’s been an actual dream— what can I do to be a more tolerable patient and to say thank you when this finally passes? Also when would it be safe to get back to, let’s say, ‘business’? I mean obviously when I’m feeling better, but should I wait the full 4-6 weeks post-fever that doctor google is telling me?

    Finally, any tips for how to not be embarrassed about this whole thing? I mean I know anyone can contract it but I feel so awkward given the stereotypes about how you get it…

    (PS I posted yesterday on work thread for on tips for how to deal with job (thank you to those who responded!), but today I’m hoping for general life advice).

    1. Fiennes*

      I had it in my 20s. You’re right–it’s the WORST.

      I think asking your family for food prep/store runs/some housecleaning help sounds very reasonable, and like things you can feasibly put time limits on. You’ll have better and worse days, most likely. As for your SO, if he’s being awesome, that’s great–and it’s not a quid pro quo situation. By which I mean, you don’t have to literally “pay him back” as much as just know he’s a really terrific person who came through for you, and try to come through for him in the future, when you can.

      And embarrassment? I mean, I know mono used to be called “the kissing disease,” but (a) what’s wrong with kissing? (b) you catch it lots of different ways, not just through intimate contact, and (c) is anybody seriously shaming you for this? If this is just something you’re carrying around in your head, then let it go. If someone is being weird about it…then this is a person with a really skewed take on reality, and is the one who should be embarrassed.

    2. tangerineRose*

      For the relationship, maybe talk to your doctor?

      Dishes/laundry/food prep and especially groceries are a great thing to have help for. (If you feel weak like I did with mono as an adult, groceries are a pain because they require standing up and walking, and there usually are no places to sit for a while at a grocery store.)

      If you can cut back on hours at work for a while (even take a vacation if you need it), that should help.

      For boredom, the library tends to have a lot of good DVDs, books, etc. Some libraries also let you check out DVDs and books from other libraries, so you have more to choose from. It might be a good time to catch up on a TV series you always meant to watch or re-watch some TV shows or movies that you haven’t seen for years.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I don’t really have much advice but I also want to say that I had mono in my early 20s. There’s absolutely no shame in it — it happens! But it was horrible when I had it. I suddenly spiked fevers that came and went and for about three weeks, had the absolute worst sore throat of my life that also persisted for weeks, and had an energy level of less than zero. Once it passed, I got back to normal pretty quickly. But I had an unusually low energy level for months beforehand that I had attributed to a really boring job in a dark windowless office, but very well could have been the mono. None of this is probably helpful, but I did get past it and I think you should have no shame whatsoever in asking friends and family for help with tasks that aren’t super time consuming but require you to expend energy. Good luck and feel better!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        What got the mono to pass in my experience, by the way, was to stop trying to be Superman in my new job (my first job out of college) and just take a week to lay in bed, watch movies, and sleep (and sleep, and sleep).

  46. Kali*

    I’ve been thinking about something. A couple of weeks ago, there was a letter from someone who’s stepmother was also her boss and had suggested that the daughter/op attend a session with stepmother/dad’s couples therapist. The situation rapidly de-escalated from there, but I saw a few comments saying they knew it would be bad right from the title. That confuses me a bit. If you’re in a situation where you’re managing your stepdaughter, it doesn’t seem that out there, to me, that they might want to sit down with a relationship therapist and figure out what kind of boundaries should be in place. Can we talk about that? Am I really off-base there? I don’t have children or stepchildren or a couples counsellor.

    1. Kali*

      escalated? de-volved? The situation got a lot worse. You remember the letter, you know what I mean.

    2. Reba*

      I get what you mean, but I also understand (and fall more on the side of) those who would think that family therapy // work is an unbreachable boundary.

      I could see a child or parent, individually perhaps looking for guidance on setting such boundaries? I guess if the parent and child were acting reasonably in general, then therapy wouldn’t present as such a red flag?

      And of course the letter very quickly showed that the parents wouldn’t know a boundary if it hit them in the nose.

    3. Always Angry*

      https://www.askamanager.org/2018/05/my-dad-is-dating-my-boss-and-they-want-me-to-go-to-couples-therapy-with-them.html

      For anyone who missed it (points upwards).

      I checked my memory.

      Parent dating boss: already shady/difficult situation depending on the details.

      OP attending COUPLES THERAPY with them? (I checked the details in the letter.)
      OH HELL NO.

      If it was some kind of “this is a weird situation let’s sit down with a mediator”… honestly I’d still find that odd but it would be less red flagg-y. But going to couple therapy with your boss? Just no.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Agree with pp’s. The word “couples” therapy in the title was a red flag.

      Couples therapy is for romantic parners to work out issues in their intimate relationship. Nobody else belongs in that room. Especially not the kids of either or both of them.

      Also, the LW’s phrasing was a tipoff: “my *boss* is dating my dad…”

      Her primary relationship with this woman was a work relationship. It was not a stepmother situation. Indeed, the boss’ threats and emotional blackmail to end things with LW’s dad bespeak a lack of permanence or commitment.

      If the LW had said, “I work with my stepmother and she wants us all to go to family therapy…” That would be a complex and uncomfortable situation with boundary problems…but it might actually be a reasonable step to get some professional help with those dynamics.

    6. Magrat*

      On the face of it, family counseling in such an involved situation might be helpful in setting boundaries, IF the boundary violater actually acknowledged they have a problem and wanted to change and have a good working/family relationship. In this situation, the parents essentially wanted to weaponize therapy against the op and get her to “realize” all the “wrong” she did (when she didn’t do anything wrong). That’s the big, huge, glaring problem. They weren’t looking to end the abuse but continue it.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      People don’t write into say, “I work for my dad’s gf and all is going well.” By the sheer fact they are writing in we can assume something is wrong.

    8. RestlessRenegade*

      For me, it was “my dad is dating my boss,” full stop. That’s all I need to know that it will be bad. As NotSoNew said, the letters on AAM are usually not happy ones, so there’s no way “my dad is dating my boss” could be a good thing in this context. I would never, ever want anyone I was related to to be dating anyone I worked with, under any circumstances. I’m just thankful it happens so rarely. :)

    9. Temperance*

      See, to me, that’s all sorts of red flags in the title. 1.) The father and this woman aren’t actually married, so LW wasn’t really her stepchild. 2.) Hiring your boyfriend’s daughter and then involving her in your relationship is super wrong.

    10. Forking Great Username*

      She wasn’t her stepmother – they were just dating. The relationship between the dad and the boss was clearly toxic, and going to couples therapy with them was further pulling OP into that toxicity. I thought the letter made it pretty clear that dad’s girlfriend had zero boundaries as well.

      1. Kali*

        It does. I’m referring to those comments that said “from the title alone, I knew it would be bad!”.

        1. Anonymous Ampersand*

          I think we’ve all explained how we knew (or at least strongly suspected) from the title that this was going to be a doozy.

  47. all aboard the anon train*

    A friend and I planned to see a show together, and I bought tickets to a show to ensure that we would get seats together. My friend paid me back for her ticket. Now she can’t go because of something more important that came up.

    Do I owe her the ticket price back or is it up to her to find someone to buy her ticket and if she can’t, she’s out the ticket price? She’s insisting I give her the money she paid me for the ticket, but I think it’s her responsibility to find someone to buy her ticket because I don’t think I should be out $100 just because she can no longer go to the show.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You don’t pew her the money. She cancelled on you. Ticketmaster wouldn’t give her the money back if she’d bought it directly.

      If you want to be nice, you can try to sell her ticket outside the show and give her whatever you get for it. Or ask around if another friend wants it.

      1. Anonymosity*

        I know you meant “owe,” and this was a typo, but “pew” gave me such a hilarious visual of the OP shooting rolled-up bills at the friend with a super soaker type thing. Here’s your damn money! Pew pew!

    2. LPUK*

      No it’s down to her to sell the ticket on or eat the loss. If you can manage to sell it on to another friend you’d enjoy going with, then that would be a nice thing you do, but you shouldn’t be out of pocket because her plans changed. Shit happens.

    3. Bagpuss*

      No, she is the one who cancelled. If she can find someone to buy the ticket then that person pays her for it. Plus, since she cancelled on you, you’re ow going by yourself,which may not be what you want!
      You could try checking with the theatre whether they will take the ticket back to resell. If they do, then your friend gets the refund (which I’d expect to be minus an admin fee)
      Don’t give her any money unless you are able to resell the ticket.

    5. Nessun*

      You could transferor give the ticket to her at any time – it’s hers to use or not, since she paid for it. So it’s on her to find someone to use it, by selling it or whatever. You don’t owe her anything.

    6. LilySparrow*

      She’s bailing on you, so she’s responsible for her own ticket.

      However! If you know someone who might want it, or you could ask around, you could send them to her. That would a) be a friendly thing to do, and b) help get you a seatmate you might know and like.

    7. AcademiaNut*

      It’s her ticket, so it’s her responsibility to eat the cost, or find someone to take it.

      And in the future, if she wants to go to a show with you, you tell her she’s on her own for tickets – you’re not going to help her out.

  48. Aurora Leigh*

    Boyfriend and I are planning a big cookout to celebrate my moving in!

    Going to invite friends, family, and the neighbors.

    What are your best cookout tips? Any clever ideas for what to name the party?

    I’m waffling on inviting my parents, they were pretty brutal when I told them I was moving in, and I don’t want the negativity. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t come anyway . . . but I also don’t want to burn that bridge entirely (I still have sibs living at home). Thoughts?

    1. Overeducated*

      Hmm…i don’t know your parents and how they might react, but if the worst you think they’d do is say no, I’d give them the opportunity to pick the relationship over their disappointment. If you think they’d actually come and be awful at the party (mine would never but they are more the silent disapproval types), then maybe not.

      Congrats and enjoy your cookout!

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        I think they would behave decently in front of people, but I can almost guarantee they would find more things to give me crap about after, both real and imagined — the house needs some fixing up (which we’re doing as time and budgets allow), one of his friends has some facial piercings . . . they’ve alienated the rest of the family already, so if they come other relatives might not. And since they already apparently begrudge meeting us halfway, they’ll find it a huge inconvience to drive 3+ hours each way.

        I think I am almost talking myself out of it! But if they find out about it after, I will also get crap for not including them in my life.

    2. heckofabecca*

      Congratulations! “Bar-B-Que are invited! Join us for…” (Pretty lame, but the queue/you rhyme is popular on tumblr and I can’t resist bad jokes XD Cookout tips… I’ve seen a clever suggestion on FB of using a muffin tin for condiments. If you’ve got vegetarians coming, maybe portion off a corner of the grill for veggies only.

      Re: parents—If you do invite them, they accept, and you’re concerned about how they’ll behave, you could ask other family members or friends to run interference so you don’t have to worry about them. Either way, make sure your siblings get their own invites and can get to you without their help if necessary. Again, congrats :)

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Thank you!!

        I wish I could have the sibs without the parents, but sadly it is all or none. I have been trying for the last 3 summers to have the youngest come spend a weekend with me (I even offered to to do all the driving, 3 hours each way) and no dice.

        My parents don’t approve of my living my own life independently, and I think they’re worried I’ll be a “bad” influence.

        1. heckofabecca*

          Ooof yeah, for some reason I assumed you were close-by. If you have other family who wouldn’t come if your parents showed up, I would probably skip inviting the parents and try and plan something else to see your siblings soon, even if it’s not at your new place. I’m sorry they’re so controlling of your siblings, but hopefully your siblings will see you doing well and learn from you rather than just your parents :)

    3. Jemima Bond*

      I am British so my advice for a successful bbq would be: get plenty of drink. Social lubricant, you know.
      Also you could ask a few good friends to bring something like, a bowl of green salad, tubs of houmous/guacamole, a bowl of coleslaw. This will take the pressure off the catering a bit.

    4. Loz*

      Nah, leave the parents out and have them over another time. No need to run around stressed and anxious over this. Any occasion has different parents/friends dynamic. Most people understand that, if you need to even mention you had a BBQ at all.

  49. Overeducated*

    I felt a little guilty for going to the store last night and coming out with a higher bill than my partner expected. But then I felt much happier than I normally do after spending money myself, and realized…in addition to replacement of a few necessary items, it was basically a summer readiness stock up trip to get all the simple stuff I wished I’d had last year. So I feel prepared for fun without as many minor annoyances.

    Cheap beach/sandbox toys to replace broken ones from 2 years ago so my kid doesn’t just try to take other kids’: check!
    Squirt guns for running around the yard in hot weather: check! (Already tested, one is very leaky, DIY repaired, that’s what $2 gets you.)
    New sun hat for child’s surprisingly large head: check!
    Modest bathing suit to replace my bikini from almost a decade and a pregnancy ago: check! (Last year I was self conscious and tended to wear a tank top and shorts with it or even skip swimming, which destroys the point of a bathing auit.)
    Plastic pitcher and black and green iced tea bags: check! First batch already in fridge.

    Obviously, I’m excited about swimming and water activities. Cooking is different too, more salads and dips and cold meals. What little things mark the change in seasons to you?

    1. LPUK*

      Packing my opaque tights away, wearing summer espadrilles, cooking with fresh herbs, finishing my working day with a cup of tea outside my house in the corner that gets the last of the sun.

    2. Alex the Alchemist*

      Wearing dresses/skirts, not having to go through the extra effort of socks in the morning because SANDALS, wearing more sunscreen and less foundation, and also just feeling like going outside more.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Last night my partner stopped and picked up pizza on his way in from the train/business trip and we sat outside in the garden with the kitties playing, catching up and enjoying the breeze over pizza. It was like the best Friday evening ever! :)

      For us its mostly the First Grill of the season or the First Outside Cocktail Hour of the season. Grilling is Serious Business in Sweden so it means a lot to him to be outside late in the evening light with meat over fire. My family always spent summers drinking/socializing till late and then someone would remember to fire up the grill at like 9pm, so a similar tradition if you will. Or having a fire in the fire pit. Or tossing corn on the grill.

    4. Anonymosity*

      Spring/summer: Putting the portable radiators away! No more stubbing my toe in the night; no more running around the house making sure they’re off before I leave. I don’t usually do it until mid-May because sometimes the weather here can surprise you.

      Autumn: Getting out my sweaters, or buying new ones. Polishing my boots. Realizing that I can wear scarves again without smothering to death. I love autumn fashion. If I could just skip winter cold.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      Spring/summer: regular pedicures for sandals, lots of dresses, no tights. Time off, lots of grilling, lots of salads, lots of sangria :)

      Fall: boots, scarves, sweater dresses, coffee with baileys, more rice and pasta, cute coats, back to school, my birthday :)

      Winter: ughhhhhhhh why don’t humans hibernate???

  50. Sick of politics*

    I have a sibling who brings up politics/oppression in EVERY single conversation and interaction and it’s getting tiresome. I’m a gay woman and I do volunteer and do activism and equality is so important to me. But I am sick of it coming up all the time. This sibling seems like they can’t enjoy anything because they rant and rave instead. Some examples:

    When the movie The Revenant came out and I mentioned I had enjoyed it, it lead to sibling having a raised voice, hand pounding the table rant about how white men like Leo get to tell stories but they (sibling) would like to see a story from a Native prespective for once.

    Sibling went to a wedding for couple friends. Sibling and the person they are dating were in the wedding party. The bride had been emotional because her dad died a few years ago and wasn’t there to walk her down the aisle. Cue multiple long raised voice rants and complaints about the bride being complacent in sexism because of the sexism behind the tradition and women as property.

    Our uncle, my father and I were discussing a TV program I saw about a study that people are more likely to be jerks over the phone to customer service people vs. in person because they don’t have the person in front of them and it is more anonymous. Sibling hijacked the conversation that the phone and internet and gave the oppressed a voice and shouldn’t be taken away. No one said it should but sibling went on for the rest of the dinner.

    Sibling was invited to a housewarming from friends and they had a sign that it would be a politics free evening. Sibling was mad that they don’t care how the current leader oppresses people. Didn’t understand that they just wanted to have a nice evening with no arguments.

    My sibling ripped on someone who doesn’t like or watch the Handmaids Tale because it is a warning about the future and this means this person, a woman, wants to be oppressed and doesn’t care to heed the warnings of the future.

    Sibling knows someone who has gone to see every president speak at least once in their lifetime. This person doesn’t support the current leader but sibling yelled at them because apparently seeing the current leader means supporting them.

    On social media someone posted a comment calling me a skinny *itch. I was upset. Sibling said that overweight women get bullied by society and they are the ones who are oppressed and my thin privilege makes me immune and I need to stop taking and complaining. I wasn’t comparing it to what anyone else went through. Sibling didn’t get that I was allowed to be upset.

    These are just some examples. I could write a book. It’s hard to avoid them because our mom died unexpectedly 4 months ago and we are trying to be there for my dad. I believe activism and fighting oppression are important. I do it at work and in my own time. But it’s exhausting to hear about it every time and to have ever conversation hijacked. My sibling thinks nothing can be enjoyed and I disagree.

    Sort of venting or looking for commiseration. I can’t cut them off but I do avoid them as much as possible. It is just hard because no topic is safe. Thanks for listening if you read all this.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Agreed. Is this new or worse since your mother passed away? Some of this might be her way of dealing with grief.

        Captain Awkward has some good scripts for people who are over the top like this.

        1. Sick of politics*

          It is the exact same. Sibling has been like this for a decade and a half. I used to avoid siblings a lot of the time but since our mom died I am around them more.

    2. Fiennes*

      This sounds utterly insufferable. I think a good rule of thumb is, “If your compassion for one set of people is leading you to act like a *total jackass* to other people, then that’s not actually compassion. It’s just self-righteousness.”

      Maybe this is your sister being depressed, and she’s acting out like this? She’s unhappy and troubled and trying to pin it all on politics, maybe? If not, I’d start smacking this down hard, and because I’m like this, in social justice language. Like, with the Handmaid’s Tale thing: “Are you seriously equating watching a television show with activism? You think you should get points for sitting in front of a TV screen? Maybe your time would be better spent doing something CONSTRUCTIVE.” Then if she tries to defend it, “Okay, slacktivism poster child, give it a rest.”

      Which is possibly not the most constructive way about this. But this sort of shallow, hostile, self-righteous take on important issues actually does those issues a disservice, and your sister needs to learn that.

      1. Thursday Next*

        That’s a really good rule of thumb. OP, can you say some version of this to your sister?

        I also vote for you to avoid her as much as possible. I’m sorry.

      2. Temporarily anon*

        Good one! My rule has always been, Being right isn’t a license to be an asshole.

      3. Emily*

        This is a good rule! I understand why Sibling might be angry or frustrated with some of these societal issues (I, too, dislike racism and the patriarchy!), but that doesn’t give them an excuse to berate others for their personal experiences/feelings or ignore other people’s stated boundaries.

      4. Sparkly Lady*

        I love that line about compassion. I’m seeing a LOT of that in the social justice circles I’m involved in. To me, it also feels like a self-justification for authoritarian, abusive behavior. I also very rarely see the people who engage in this actually doing non-callout based activism.

    3. Natalie*

      I mean, it kind of sounds like you need to tell them to give it a rest/knock it off/shut the hell up. They’re clearly not reading the room, and you’re miserable interacting with them, so you don’t have much to lose here.

      1. Sick of politics*

        Sibling is 35. It’s not a phase. It’s been a decade and a half. I’m just around them more since my mom died.

      2. all aboard the anon train*

        I agree, but I also see this type of behavior rearing up whenever there’s political and social troubles from people of all ages.

    5. Kathenus*

      My sibling isn’t this bad but does tend to try to get going on political rants, and enjoys debating that frequently devolves into arguing. I’ve just told him straight up that I don’t enjoy these discussions and won’t engage. Now if he starts in I just ignore it and don’t respond. Either keep with what I was doing or bring up another topic. I don’t do it in a belligerent way, but I’m consistent in that I won’t engage so he’s found I’m not a ‘fun’ person for these talks and they’ve reduced around me. You can’t stop your sibling, you can only control your part in it, so figure out how you’d like to handle it and then take that power over your behavior and go from there. I know it’s easier said than done, but good luck.

    6. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I’ve never read or watched Handmaid’s Tale, but its fiction! From the eighties! It’s not prophecy.

    7. Enya*

      Your sibling sounds annoying as hell. I’m exhausted just from reading those examples. Sorry, no advice, but I sure do feel for you.

    8. LilySparrow*

      I agree with Feinnes that this sounds like chronic depression – especially the “can’t enjoy anything.”

      That doesn’t mean you have to put up with it, but it might give you some perspective on dealing with it. Instead of confronting/debating the topic, you can push back or set limits on the behavior.

      “I didn’t come here to argue. I deal with this stuff all day every day and I need to recharge. If you can’t stay civil, I’m going to leave.”

      And then follow through.

      I’m sorry this friction is making it harder to be there for your dad. Maybe you can coordinate separate times to see dad without Angry Sibling being there.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Sib is becoming the oppressor by dominating conversations and stirring up emotions in inappropriate ways and at inappropriate times.
      Tell sib that her conversation style is oppressive. Trampling over others and their conversation is oppressive no matter how correct her talking points are. Her delivery sucks and she is becoming the very person she proclaims to despise.
      OTH, you could say, “Sib, I am worried about you. I think you should go to a doc for a full check up.”

      1. Dino*

        Taking this advice would probably be very bad for the OP to try. Using the word “oppressive” to label Sibling would not go over well and would start another argument, given that oppression typically requires some backing from the state or society in many definitions of the word. I think you could use the words “draining”, “repetitive”, “performative”, or “unpleasant” and probably many more to describe how their attitude is expressed and how it takes over all conversations. But “oppressive” wouldn’t be a wise idea.

        And I think that if OP suggests that Sibling go see a doctor for behavior that the Sibling sees as standing up for injustice rather than obnoxious “sucking all the air out of the room” grandstanding, the accusations of ableism would never end.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Good points.
          What you show here is that no matter what OP says, it will not really go that well as sib does not want help with all that anger.

          My father used to go on and on like this, but not as a personal attack rather just a rant. He lost people out of his life because of this habit. After his triple bypass the rants stopped. Chicken/egg question, which came first the chronic upset or the chronic heart issue. However after his bypass he had a total personality change and he was so very likable. The people who left never found this side of him.

          Anger alone is not a problem, it’s what we do with that anger that makes the difference. We have to channel it in constructive ways.

  51. Chocolate Teapot*

    I feel mortified. I went shopping today and might have accidently broken something. A shop I regulary visit has various shelving units with display models and then products packed into boxes for purchase. One was a set of glass bottles. I don’t know if one of my shopping bags caught on the display stand, or the bottles just happened to be in danger of falling off the edge of the shelf, but there was an appalling crash and glass everywhere. I offered to pay but the shop assistant said it was alright and they were insured. Even so, it is one of those things where I am not sure if was my fault or not. (There were other customers near by at the time)

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Please don’t feel bad! This kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME, and much of the time, the person who did the breaking doesn’t even admit it. Most stores that have display models know that this is something that happens and it’s part of doing business. If you had picked up the bottles and slammed them on the floor deliberately, that’s one thing, but even if you did break the bottles, they were out there and anything could have happened. Shoot, in some cases, a stiff breeze can knock a bottle over. Take the shop assistant at her word, and do continue to shop there. They’d rather have you as a customer, especially if you purchase things from them, than to have you stay away because you feel like you can’t go back.

      1. tangerineRose*

        And I think one of the reasons the stores are nice about this is because they want you to come back and keep shopping there! Accidents happen.

    2. Sherm*

      You’re still the same kind-hearted person that you were before you entered the store. It was a total accident, nothing precious was broken, and life quickly moved on for everyone. I bet the incident has made you an even more loyal customer, so really it’s a win for the store!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I have worked a lot of retail, so voice of experience. This is no big deal. You did everything you could in that situation and you are okay here.
      FWIW, people break stuff all the time, or they dump coffee all over it, or they rip it because it got caught on something. This stuff happens because retailers cram too much stuff in too small a space.
      Estimating a 300% mark up, let’s say the item was $12. They paid $4 for it. They are not worried, at all. Forget about it and sleep well tonight.

      2. nonegiven*

        >retailers cram too much stuff in too small a space

        I have walked down the ends of the aisles and seen things halfway down jump out onto the floor with nobody near.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It happens in the backrooms also. Stuff just falls over. I cannot explain that, but I know what you are saying is true.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I think sometimes things aren’t quite as firmly stacked as they appear. Or maybe it’s a poltergeist. But yeah, it happens all the time!

    4. Red Reader*

      I once worked in a music box store. A woman tipped over an entire display and absolutely shattered about $6k worth of water globes and I had to shut down the whole store for the rest of the (Saturday two weeks before Christmas) day to clean it up. That’s what the store has insurance for. You’re fine.

  52. Newbean*

    Move to a different State/Country or buy a house in current city?

    My husband and I have lived in the same city/state for our who lives (we’re in our 30s) but we feel kinda trapped like we should do something different. We think and talk about moving to a different state or country to try something new, as we are really bored and tired of our current city. Small city with nothing much to do but go to the movies or eat at a “restaurant” if we want to go out. No art exhibits, not close to the beach or lake, just same old mundane… but at the same time we both have jobs here and we’ve been talking about starting a family. If we do this soon we would like to buy a house within the next year but that would mean in our current city/jobs and so on. If we move it might delay our starting a family until we get “situated”…. if this were you what do you think you would do?
    Thanks!

    1. anon24*

      Which do you think you’d regret more?

      My husband and I got married in our early 20s and moved away from our hometown to another part of our state. We wanted to start fresh and although I loved the area that was home, I knew we’d never be happy there. Too many memories and too many things keeping us to bad habits. So we left.

      I’m going to be honest, it was hard. I was so homesick for the first 6 months and still love going home to visit. I absolutely hate where we moved and after 3 years I hate it even more. But it was the right choice. I know if we would have stayed we would both be so resentful of not moving and the “what ifs”, and probably blame each other . Right now the what ifs aren’t great but we took the chance and found out and I’m proud of us. I miss my lifestyle back home a lot but it felt amazing to start over. Neither of us plan on staying here forever so I’m hoping if we suck it up for a few more years we’ll have enough money to go where we actually want to be.

      If you move and regret it, you can always go home. If you stay and regret it you can leave, but I feel like that’s harder. I know people who have spent their whole lives planning to move but timing never worked and something always held them back.

      Tl;Dr we moved across state and I hate where we live and it’s been hard but I think it was the right thing anyway.

      1. Newbean*

        You know, what you said kind rang true for our situation. I think this place holds too many memories for us and most of them are not nice. I think I would regret not moving and always wondering if things could’ve been different.
        And you are absolutely right, if we totally regret it we can always move back home.
        It is scary to start somewhere new, and we are both creatures of habit and dislike change but I feel like this one might be necessary.

        1. anon24*

          You know the comment “you can’t run from your problems”? Well depending what they are, you sort of can. For us a change of scenery was great, but only because we were realistic about what would change and what wouldn’t. We’re still the same people, but we have different stressors living here versus living around people we know. It is sort of a relief to not have to worry about running into someone I know at the grocery store.

          I don’t have kids, but I think if you have a lot of bad/unhappy memories relates to where you live you might want to move somewhere new to raise a family. Then you won’t be subconsciously passing your bad memories on to your kids or feel like your children are reliving your past.

    2. Reba*

      I’d move, myself. I think if I stayed put I’d always be wondering/regretting. Whereas if you move, it doesn’t work out, you move back (I know this is not simple) maybe you lose money and some slippage on your timeline, but you would have seen for yourself.

      It sounds like you’re thinking out the possibilities together, and I’d recommend that you actually write down pro and con on a big sheet of paper, and your visions for the future. (With awareness that things don’t go how we expect, particularly the timing of offspring!) Sometimes just looking at the chart brings me clarity.

      1. Newbean*

        This is a good idea… we have talked about it but we always go around in circles and sometimes we forget the pros and cons we talk about, but if we write it down then we’ll be able to keep them in mind.

        Now, if we decided to move what should we be looking for first? Would you guys agree to secure job in new location before moving?

        1. anon24*

          That’s how we ended up where we are now. My husband has a clearer career path than I do, so we moved to where he got a job offer. He applied all over and after he got the job offer we scouted out the area to determine where we wanted to be. Recently we moved closer to the city where I work because I can’t call out in the snow, but we’re still in the same general area.

    3. heckofabecca*

      And they call that a city? Wild!

      Others have said it well—pros and cons, easier now than anytime later. I’d start with concrete lists of what you’re looking for in a potential new location: COL range, how far you’re willing to go, job market and other requirements. Then find a few places to investigate. Other things to consider:
      – do you want to raise any children in the place you’re currently in?
      – what potential child-help supports would you need to replace if you did move? i.e. if you move and are suddenly away from all family who might have helped
      – what’s your time limit for having kids, and would the delays brought on by moving eat that all away?

      Good luck and all the best!

      1. Newbean*

        Yeah that would be true as both of our families would not be close to help with any potential offspring and such. :)

        1. Erika*

          And consider how far you can move and still get occasional parent/family help. I live in MA, my family is all in NY and CT, but we see them a lot and they can help with long weekend type childcare. husbad’s family is in AZ. We basically never see them.

          So, are there cities that are medium drives/short & cheap flights you could relo too?

    4. RestlessRenegade*

      Not totally comparable, but I have the opposite experience of other commenters. I lived in the same 4o-mile area for the first 22 years of my life; then my SO at the time and I moved 3 hours away so I could go to grad school. I hated every minute of living in that city, but I learned a LOT about where I want to live (low cost, mid-sized [in my case, .5 million versus 1 million], closer to my family, etc.) The only thing I miss is the diversity in the place I lived before. We lived there for three and a half years, and then we moved back to where we’d lived before, and I am so much happier here. (Also I dumped his ass but I think that’s unrelated.) I don’t regret going because I got a master’s degree and a great job out of it and I got to experience something different, so now I’m much happier where I’m at because I have experienced alternatives and can compare.
      All that said, I was young, had financial means, and had no kids/property/career issues to sort out. If you’re going to do it, I recommend doing it that way if you can because it’s less messy.
      Also, if anyone ever needs to hear me rant about how much I hate living in big cities, or wants to commiserate, just let me know. It’s one of my favorite pastimes!

  53. UK Bound*

    I’m looking for a company available to help with relocation to the UK. We are good with visas, jobs and schools. We need someone to take a look at the available housing, set up utilities prior to our arrival and be a source of general information. Any recommendations?

    And, anyone have recommendations for international movers (US to UK)?

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Drop in over at UK Yankee on the forum – folks have up-to-date experiences and thoughts on who to use for movers, as well as using U-Pack.

      However, regarding housing and set up utilities – are you coming in through a corporate relocation? I have seen relocation services companies for Japanese clientele but not for others, though I imagine they exist. Setting up utilities here is not as straightforward as the US, so you may want to be aware that there could be some hiccoughs there. For available housing I would suggest picking a few letting agents in areas you are interested and see what they come back to you with. I would also strongly suggest looking at the housing in person rather than doing it all online, letting agents are notoriously shady but necessary evil.

      Finally, I would also strongly advise that you check your internet speed before you accept a place because it really does vary from street to street. I can see the Shard at the end of my street but have an internet speed similar to a rural community, with no hope of that changing anytime soon. Had we known that we probably wouldn’t have taken this place. You can use USwitch.com to check your potential postcode, but if its not Hyperoptic or Virgin, then anything labelled ‘fibre’ won’t be a true fibre product.

    2. Rosemary7391*

      What do you mean set up utilities? Gas, electric and water have always been connected whenever I’ve moved to a new place. You can switch provider once you move in and the old provider will just bill you for the interim period. Phone and internet takes a bit longer.

      Where in the UK? Housing law differs between Scotland and England/Wales. (I don’t know where NI fits in).

      1. UK Bound*

        In the US I’ve had to contact each service provider to establish gas, water, cable, etc. Some may have been the same service provider as the previous tenant utilized, but I might pick a different gas company for instance.

        Rosemary7391, UK Yankee is providing a lot of good information. Thanks for the tip!

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Most of the big providers for utilities are denationalized behemoths (BT for telecoms, British Gas for electric, water utility dependant on your location). I would caution tempering expectations for it to work “like the US” and go with the flow to start with and then worry about changing utility providers once you are setted. USwitch or moneysavingsupermarket.com can help you compare offers in your area.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      If you’re moving to London, avoid Ludlow Thompson Estate agents. They are the worst company I have ever dealt with.

  54. dorothy zbornak*

    so my fiancé wants us to write our own vows because they will be more meaningful and I don’t have a clue where to even start. It’s not like there’s a shortage of wonderful things I can say. I just want them to be good and memorable. Had anyone else written their own vows and has advice to share?

    1. Kathenus*

      Not married, but I write a lot for presentations and other things and when I’m stuck I just start with bullet points or key words I want to include. Get that list going, and usually it’s easier to then tie them together versus feeling the pressure to have full sentences, meanings for everything right from the beginning.

    2. Natalie*

      My now-husband and I wrote our own vows and I was in a similar position as you, where he was really keen on writing them ourselves and I felt really nervous. But it was fine.

      First off, don’t worry about it being memorable – nobody really remembers anyone else’s wedding vows, and almost everyone I know doesn’t even remember their own ceremony well because you’re not in a mental state where you can really form memories.

      There are a lot of advice columns you’ll find googling. The best bit of advice I remember is to agree on the overall construction, so a framing device (“I vow” or “I will” or “I promise”), number of specific vows, and level of seriousness/funniness.

      1. motherofdragons*

        I completely agree with setting forth the “ground rules” prior to writing your vows! We wrote our own vows and agreed ahead of time that they would be a combination of heartfelt and funny, no roasting or negativity, they would all start with “I promise” and I think we did 7 or so. And we ended with the same line. It worked out really well and took some of the pressure off of staring at a blank page.

    3. Lcsa99*

      My husband and I wrote our own vows. Apparently for him, he had them down in one afternoon while I toiled over them for a while. For me, I just thought about things I wanted to say to him. How excited I was that we were gonna grow old together. How much it means to me that he loves me. Stuff like that. We didn’t do promises to each other – it was essentially something I could have put in a greeting card for our anniversary. But both of us just focused on how the other made us feel.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Just wanted to clarify: for us, we both essentially just wrote an open love letter to the other. When inspiration hit for him, he got it all done quickly. For me, I had a ton I wanted to say and just edited and edited and edited until it made sense.

    4. KayEss*

      Don’t do what my friend did and put off writing them until half an hour before the ceremony. (They came out fine, but WOW was she stressed out.)

      Also consider planning to read them aloud from a nice piece of paper or small book, rather than trying to memorize them–in the moment, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ll be on an adrenaline high and your head will be spinning, so it’s really easy to blank out even if you’ve practiced. Give yourself one less thing to worry about.

    5. Washi*

      My husband and I wrote our own vows and we gave ourselves four questions to answer: why do I love you, what does marriage mean to me/us, what do I envision for our future, and what do I promise to you. (not necessarily in that order)

      It made the writing easier and made it so that our vows had a similar tone, even though we didn’t share them with each other ahead of time!

    6. Reba*

      We wrote ours, worked separately and didn’t really talk with each other about what we would say. Both of us arrived at a structure of “Gratitude + things I look forward to together + promises.” We actually wrote the entire ceremony from mostly scratch. It was challenging but wonderful.

      I recommend the website A Practical Wedding. There’s also a book.

      I hope planning goes well and the wedding is fun! Congratulations.

  55. I Have Been To Paradox But I Have Never Been To Me*

    Question about therapy.

    I have Asperger’s Syndrome (self-diagnosed) and depression. I’ve been seeing my current therapist, “Frasier,” for about six years. But of late, my enthusiasm for the sessions has waned to the degree that I just don’t show up sometimes. It got to a point where I didn’t show up for three weeks in a row. On the fourth week I did go, but I was told that I did not have an appointment and in fact “Frasier” had already left for the day. This was last month, and I haven’t gone back since.

    I plan to make one more appointment with “Frasier” and formally terminate our relationship. The sessions have not been helping me – a lot of times, if I didn’t have a specific issue or concern, the sessions were just me talking about what’s been going on (as if I were having a social conversation with a friend), that sort of thing. In such cases, my thinking was that “Frasier” could… I don’t know, ‘filter’ through what I’m saying and, using his professional training and experience, be able to help me. But so far that hasn’t happened. And it’s not just “Frasier;” it’s been the same with other therapists I’ve seen in the past, including one who I saw for 18 (eighteen) years.

    But I’m… I don’t know if “troubled” is the right word, I guess I’m more upset, I don’t know, that during the three weeks I didn’t show up nobody reached out to me. I was never told that I would be taken off the schedule, and neither the center where the sessions took place nor “Frasier” made any attempt to contact me to see if I wanted to continue with sessions or terminate them, or even just to make sure I was okay and didn’t fall off the face of the earth or something. (Although the administrative staff at this center is TOTALLY f***ed up, big time – I would love to share some horror stories, but that would make this post TLDR.)

    Here is my question for you. What is the correct protocol in this situation? Because this is a place, and a person, that deals with mental health issues, am I right to feel bothered because nobody reached out to me?

    1. Alex the Alchemist*

      I feel like you absolutely have the right to be bothered by that; I would be too! I know you mentioned that you were planning on making one more appointment with Frasier- do you think this is something you’d feel comfortable bringing up? If he cares about what he’s doing, that’s feedback he’d definitely want to know, even if your counseling relationship was otherwise “meh.” I remember a post on Captain Awkward that had a lot of really good advice and specific scripts on how to break up with your therapist, so I’ll try and find that for you.

      2. I Have Been To Paradox But I Have Never Been To Me*

        do you think this is something you’d feel comfortable bringing up?

        I have no qualms about calling him out on something if needed. One time when I was waiting for my session, when it was time for my appointment he came to the waiting room and addressed me as “Mr. Lastname.” When we got to his office I read him the riot act; I didn’t need him broadcasting my full name to the other patients in the waiting room. Instead of calmly explaining that it was normal to use full names when calling patients, Frasier dismissed and poo-poo’ed my concern. So I just gave him a big f**k you and walked out of the session. The sad thing was that on that particular day I *did* have something I wanted to talk about.

        I subsequently realized that at other medical offices patients’ full names are often used with they are called into the office. I also recalled that this was something that was done as far back as when I was a kid. So I may have been wrong to be upset, and I acknowledged that to Frasier at our next session. But I also made it clear that I was not going to apologize to him because of his response when I had expressed my concern.

        So the answer to your question is: yes, I would feel very comfortable bringing this up. In fact, that’s *why* I want to schedule a final session with him.

    2. heckofabecca*

      Yes, it’s bizarre (at the very least!) that no one reached out to you (on any platform?) considering the type of work they do! Especially if there’s a missed appointment fee??? In terms of taking you off their schedule after missing X appointments, that sounds like something that would be in their policies, which you might have a copy of.

      I don’t think you should feel the need to have a final appointment to end the relationship…. I think an email would be perfectly sufficient if you don’t have anything specific you want to talk about with Frasier. Good luck with everything.

    3. Serious Pillowfight*

      This isn’t quite what you asked, but I had a similar problem with a therapist in the past where I felt like they were just sitting there listening and not offering any advice. It bothered me, like, what am I paying you for? I found a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), which was exactly what I needed. They help you correct false and harmful thought processes that hold you back and make you feel depressed and anxious. I’m personally not a fan of talk therapy. In my opinion, CBT is where it’s at. If I wanted to just talk at someone I’d talk to a friend or the wall.

    4. Healthcare professional*

      Unless you have been to a healthcare professional (one with education and a license) you can’t actually be sure what conditions you have. Your first step should be to see one. You can then seek treatment based on what they say. Self diagnosing is harmful and not credible.

      1. I Have Been To Paradox But I Have Never Been To Me*

        Self diagnosing is harmful and not credible.

        In this specific circumstance, I have to disagree. I had always seen myself as a “normal” person with some problems, and my hope was that one day the stars would be in alignment, things would just “click,” and poof! – I’d be “normal” like everyone else.

        (Please, no comments from anyone about how “nobody is really ‘normal.'” I hate that expression and consider it patronizing. Even so, that’s why I’ve been putting the word in quotes.)

        But then I read a Harvey Pekar story about someone who has Asperger’s. I really related to the man in the story and could relate with a lot of what he was going through, and figured out that this was the cause of my problem. Since Asperger’s was not well known in the ’60s and ’70s, when I was growing up and in school, that must be why I was “falling through the cracks” in a lot of the therapy groups and programs and such that I was in. Unfortunately, I also learned that there’s no cure for Asperger’s, so I was always going to have to deal with it.

        In this specific instance, the self-diagnosis has been helpful in that I no longer have the false hope that things are going to “click.” But that doesn’t make living with it, or dealing with it, any easier.

        1. families!*

          But why the resistance to getting it checked now? It sounds like you’ve read one book and decided? What if you have something else, or some tangent, and there is relief for it?

        2. Anna*

          For what it’s worth, I think if you do more research you’ll find that there are some ways to deal with it and that a qualified therapist who is a good match for you (training, technique, and manner) might be helpful. Temple Grandin’s book is a nice first person story that might help explain my mindset on the topic

    5. AlligatorSky*

      Hey, I don’t have any advice but I have asperger’s and depression too. I know exactly how you feel <3

    6. Kj*

      So, I really have to ask- why so long in therapy? I believe in therapy as something you use to work towards a goal. When you meet that goal, you terminate therapy or pick another goal. What goals were you bringing to therapy? Were they defined? How did you and Fraiser measure progress? Did you talk about goals?

      Therapy as a long term thing is often not useful. Therapy as a short term, goal based thing is useful. Fraiser doesn’t sound like a great therapist, but you also need to be clear with yourself and any therapists you see about what you want. Some people want sessions that are basically social. Others want defined goals. Fraiser may have thought you were getting what you wanted- yes, he should have checked, but in the end, you also need to be clear about what you need and bring it up to your therapist if you aren’t getting it. I know this is hard to do, but it is part of the work of therapy.

    7. Trisana chandler*

      So you just didn’t show up three times in a row? That’s actually pretty rude, IMO. I mean, yes, you have depression but from what you say you are not in a really bad place from this point of view. I’ve had depression so I know there are different levels of function with it although I’m not sure what role your aspergers plays. Of course, if you had really been deteriorating, depression was really getting the better of you and couldn’t leave home, work or pick up the phone, it would be understandable. But that doesn’t sound like the case, and if you’ve been seeing this therapist for a while they probably have some idea of how likely that is.

      I don’t want to be too harsh on you, but not turning up got appointments means other people can’t use those time slots and the therapist and their staff time is wasted. I know sometimes mental health issues get to a point where you CAN’T be proactive but this doesn’t sound like your case. It does kind of sound like you are taking quite a passive role in your therapy so far and perhaps you’ll get more out of it if you think of yourself as your own biggest advocate, not the therapist.

      Again, sorry to be harsh and of course if you are in that level of non-functional severe depression, please ignore this opinion and reach out for help ASAP.

      1. I Have Been To Paradox But I Have Never Been To Me*

        not turning up got appointments means . . . their staff time is wasted.

        I alluded to it before, but their staff is totally f***ed up. They’ve also screwed around with Frasier’s schedule, but it seems that no amount of complaining on his part results in any improvement. Frasier has explained in the past that the center uses interns to work the reception area. The thing is that, I’m “paying” professional prices through my insurance and I am entitled to professional service from every aspect.

        There was a red flag at the very beginning of my relationship with the center. I originally came to the center because I needed a psychiatric evaluation as one of the preliminaries for Bariatric surgery, After my very first intake session, “Dr. Laura” told me to see the receptionist to schedule another session. So I scheduled a follow-up with “Dr. Laura” for two weeks later, at 6pm. Two weeks later, I show up at 6 only to be told that she regularly leaves at 5. (I work 9-5 and I made it clear that 6 was the absolute earliest I could get there from work.) I was not contacted about their error because the person who made the appointment only wrote my first name, without indicating if it was my first or last name, so there was apparently no way to get in touch with me. Even so, they should have known “Dr. Laura” leaves at 5 and should not have scheduled me for an appointment at 6.

        I eventually saw “Dr. Tom,” who has evening hours. He determined that I was suffering from depression and prescribed medication for that. I told “Dr. Tom” that I also wanted to see a therapist on a regular basis. On our third session he told me that a therapist was available, and that I should see the receptionist to schedule an appointment. Surprisingly, the receptionist said there were two different therapists available, mentioned their names, and asked me which one I wanted to see. Obviously, I didn’t know either person so there was no point in my choosing one name over the other, so the receptionist picked a name and set up an appointment for me. Ideally, “Dr. Tom” should have known there were two different therapists available, and described them to me so that I could make an informed selection, or use his professional judgment to decide which of the two I should meet with. Instead, my therapist (Frasier) was chosen for me by a non-medical person.

        It’s not a case of being unable to “let go.” There have been other screw-ups on the part of the center’s staff, the most recent one being last February.

        So, while I can’t dismiss your comment entirely, when it comes to consideration for the staff’s time, the staff has not earned the respect necessary for me to have that concern.

        1. Trisana chandler*

          I see where you’re coming from but not informing them when you’re unable to attend isn’t the appropriate response to “they’ve messed me around in the past”. Either 1) they are so dysfunctional you want to stop going there 2) you communicate with them to address the issue or 3)you decide to let this go for whatever reason that you want to continue at that practice. “They are not professional so I will not return any consideration and make their job harder” is not a route that improves things for you, them or other clients. And now you want to complain that they should have contacted you, before leaving the practice? To be honest, it kind of sounds like you want someone to listen to you telling them off. Why not just find a new therapist, maybe approaching this one with a more proactive mindset, and send a letter to the former practice saying “here’s some things I noticed while coming to you – up to you whether you address them or not”.

        2. TL -*

          Well, it’s actually really normal for a doctor in a shared practice to not be aware of their colleagues’ schedules – that’s not their job and people change schedules all the time. The doctor may have only known that evening hours were available, not which therapists offered them or even what they specialized in.

          But receptionists usually know doctor/therapist’s specialties and hours *and* they know which ones are well-liked by patients. Every good OB-GYN I’ve seen I’ve gotten by getting a recommendation for a practice and then calling and asking the receptionist which doctor they recommend.

          Thus, you can ask the receptionist if they knew what each therapist specialized in (no disclosure on your part), and follow up by asking if they had any insight into which was preferred by patients or easy to book with or whatever information you needed to make a decision. Nothing about what you’re saying in that instance sounds at all out of line for a doctor’s office, to be honest.

    8. comment anon*

      Having worked in medical offices, it’s pretty standard not to follow up when someone misses their appointment. And if you miss multiple appointments without contacting the office, it’s standard to take you off the list. If I had followed up with everyone who had missed appointments at the office I used to work at, I’d have no time to do anything else.

      I’m not sure why you think it’s the center’s fault for not checking up on you after missed appointments or for taking you off your scheduled time after you missed three appointments. It’s pretty rude to miss an appointment and not even call them.

      Reading some of your other comments and it seems like you’re angry about a lot of things (such as being called by your last name, etc.), and have a mindset of you being right and them always being wrong, and now just want to go rant at them over this, which I’m not sure would be entirely helpful for anyone involved.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I can see this.
        And I can also see another idea that you were done with this therapist a while ago, OP, and you should have stopped a while ago. You waited to long to leave. This makes sense to me because the stuff that you are mentioning here is stuff that can get under a person’s skin and fester. Usually that festering happens because there is something wrong with the overall picture. In a happy situation, these things get talked out and become non-issues OR are very easy to over look because so much else is right.
        Don’t make yourself stay in a setting that is not working for you or stops working for you.

    9. JessMee*

      I would suggest connecting with an autism support group if there is one in your area. In the United States there is the Autism Society which has local chapters across the country. They hold regular support meetings and social events. Perhaps contacting a similar group in your area could help you find professionals and therapists nearby who have experience treating individuals who have Aspbergers / High Functioning Autism and who would be a better fit.
      Although you may already be aware of him, Tony Attwood is a psychologist who is an expert on Aspberger Syndrome and has written several books.
      I hope you are able to find the support you are seeking.

    10. Close Bracket*

      Therapy is designed for neurotypical people, and most of it is not going to be useful for people on the spectrum. Tony Atwood wrote a CBT workbook for aspies. Look into it, and going forward, make sure you see someone who is experienced with adults on the spectrum.

  56. Fashion lover*

    Does anyone else notice that hobbies or things that are stereotypical feminine are dismissed as stupid or vapid?

    I love fashion and clothes. Fashion weeks like the ones in New York are like my super bowl. I subscribe to fashion magazines, I love wearing cute clothes and I watch fashion shows on TV. I also happen to have a PhD from one of the most well known universities in the world. But when some people find out I like fashion or see me dressed in cute clothes they make fun of me or think I’m stupid or vain. Someone women take great pride in being above these things and not like other women. Men can be outright dismissive.

    I don’t think one hobby or interest is above another. But society and some people like to think so. It really bothers me.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve noticed that, particularly in the area of relationships – women are expected to support their boyfriends’ hobbies i.e. sport, and get really excoited about it but men aren’t expected to reciprocate with their girlfriends’ hobbies.

      1. Kj*

        Yep. It can also extend to shows and things- my now-husband insisted on watching Dr. Who with me to show it to me, but was very reluctant to watch my two favorite shows he hadn’t seen, BSG and Call the Midwife (what can I say? I have diverse interests!). I had to call him out on it and now he likes Call the Midwife as much as I do (but is more meh about BSG, go figure).

      2. Temperance*

        I LOVE soccer. I’m obsessive about it. I have teams that I follow, and they are NOT Booth’s teams (except in the MLS), and I’m really involved in fan stuff in ways that he is not. AND YET, his family thinks it’s “so cute” that I support HIM in HIS fandom, FFS.

    2. HannahS*

      Yeah. I sew clothes and knit sweaters and sometimes make my own patterns for both and I feel like the way people respond to that skill–which involves a ton of manual dexterity and geometry in addition to design–is really different from the way they talk about a man who does carpentry. We’re both engaging in age-old crafting traditions, making objects that serve a useful purpose while also being aesthetically pleasing, but I find that men give me a “Huh. Cool.” or think it’s kind of cute while positively FAWNING over a man who built a coffee table.

    3. Triple Anon*

      It is annoying. I’m in the opposite situation. Most of my hobbies are considered masculine. People are weird about it, but for different reasons (ok, the same basic reasons, but it comes out in different ways). People get upset about my hobbies, try to prevent me from doing them, and try to push me into more traditionally feminine ones.

      I agree that all hobbies are created equal. You have my support. Cheering from the duck blind.

      (Not really. I don’t hunt. Just being anon.)

      1. nep*

        People get upset about your hobbies and try to prevent you from doing them? That’s madness.

        1. Triple Anon*

          Yeah. There are always some people who take issue with it. People of all genders, interestingly. The good part is that if you ignore those people and just keep going, other people will respect you for it. And you get to make a positive difference in the world.

    4. Aurora Leigh*

      While, there is a gendered side to it — no arguement there, I just tend to have the assumption that there will always be someone who diapproves of someone else’s hobbies, just because it’s not something they personally enjoy, and I don’t pay too much attention to it.

      My hobbies are reading, board games, pets, and various crafting. I have so little intrest, and therefore knowledge, of sports that it often astounds people.

      People are just really bad at understanding differences, I think.

      1. nep*

        I get someone not being into a friend’s or family member’s hobby–but disapproving of hobbies? Seems extreme.

    5. buttercup*

      I love that I saw this comment because I felt like ranting about this recently! The short answer is: yes. My main hobby has always been dancing in various forms. Recently, I’ve taken to learning styles of dancing different from what I learned growing up. Recently, I came across a “feminist” meme on social media featuring a girl bragging that she loved martial arts over being a ballerina because she wanted to go against social norms imposed on girls. Martial arts is great, but I felt that the meme was diminishing the skills of ballerinas. How many people can say they’re proficient in ballet? It’s HARD – you can’t just wake up tomorrow and just start dancing it!

      3. DoctorateStrange*

        Trust me, they’ll change their tune once they see how muscular a lot of ballet dances are and how much pain and injury their feet and legs take. Ballet is not to be taken lightly. There’s a reason why SYTYCD has contestants with ballet backgrounds but will never have ballet itself as part of the competition.

    6. Anonymosity*

      I don’t think any hobby is above another either. People like what they like. You’re not talking about big game hunting or something gross like that.

      As for fashion, I envy people who get how to put clothes together into a *lewk* as this is a skill I lack. I can dress myself, even nicely, but it’s nothing special or memorable. I don’t really have any flair or style. If I became famous, I’d definitely hire a stylist. Which is a legit job, and a job for someone who probably started with fashion as a hobby. :)

    7. RestlessRenegade*

      I think my only very-feminine hobby is makeup. I love makeup! I watch beautubers, love going to makeup stores, love playing with new looks and trying to replicate looks I like, etc. I usually don’t go into public without a full face of makeup, unless it’s something quick like grocery shopping (and even then I put on eyebrows because, as I like to joke, otherwise people can’t tell if I’m angry at them.) I’m sure I get judged based on this, but I haven’t experienced anyone being openly critical of me. (My ex used to complain that I took too long to get ready, but that’s it.)

      Few things bother me more than people who criticize others’ hobbies, especially if it’s women criticizing other women.

    8. Alex the Alchemist*

      Totally! Makeup is one of my life’s passions, as well as fashion, cooking, and knitting. People are so surprised when I say all this and then tell them I’m a feminist like, nah, I can be a feminist and like eating well and expressing myself through my appearance, thanks.

  57. Trixie*

    I am considering investing in a Vitamix blender. My current older blender is fine for smoothies but struggles on produce like kale. Has anyone purchased one and had buyer’s remorse as far as performance or use?
    Also, I have a hard time keeping the base of my older Cuisenart blender clean. I tend to spray a water/bleach combination at the base (where blender/blade lock in) and it drains out the bottom. I haven’t found a way to pull the base apart for more thorough cleaning.

    1. LemonLyman*

      Love my Vitamix! It can handle kale like a champ. BUT… I bought it before the Ninja Bullet came out. Those are supposed to be very powerful (maybe not as powerful as a Vitamix but still champs on woody green leaves) and cheaper. Consider comparing the two before biting the bullet.

    2. mreasy*

      I have had my vitamix for over 10 years and have never had ANY problems with it. Cannot recommend highly enough!!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. Mine is at least 20 years old and still going. It’s got a two horse power motor in it. I remember my husband commenting, “My electric drill does not have that big a motor.” ha!
        The only thing I did not like was trying to find recipes, I am not a creative cook and I needed ideas.

    3. foolofgrace*

      I have a Nutri-Bullet. It’s fine on most everything, including spinach, but it never does get kale completely pulverized. Of course mine is a few years old, they may have gotten better in the intervening years. A VitaMix is completely out of my budget, and I’m happy with what I have. Right now I’m drinking a protein shake of rice protein powder, spinach, frozen raspberries, coconut milk. golden flax seeds, pistashios and cashews. The nuts are completely ground up. And I can’t spell pistacios, apparently.

  58. The Other Dawn*

    I’m so excited that I can start using the herbs I’ve grow in my garden! I guess after three years, I can say I’m no longer a plant killer.

    This year I’m trying romaine lettuce (in a planter–seems to be doing really well), beans (bush), more tomatoes, and some new herbs. I’d love to try more veggies now that I’m feeling more confident, but my two raised beds can’t handle more than what’s in there now. I’m thinking next year I MAY want to dig an actual garden, as my side yard is huge and gets sun all day long. That’s pretty ambitious, though, so I’m not too sure yet. I don’t know anything about planning a garden. I wouldn’t know where to start other than picking a spot to dig. And I’m guessing I would need to fence it, since we get a lot of wildlife we didn’t get when I lived on the shoreline: deer, bunnies, and a few others that are unseen.

    Any tips?

    1. LilySparrow*

      Best place to start is your local Cooperative Extension service, if you’re in the States. I’m sure there’s an equivalent in most places. They will have up to date advice on what grows well in your area, and what techniques are useful in your climate. They usually have planting calendars, recommended varieties, and lots of good info on pest & disease management.

      I ruined so many plants my first couple of years by taking advice off the interwebs that was totally inappropriate for my local climate and soil conditions.

      There’s a lot more to it than USDA zones – humidity, drainage, soil type, local pests & diseases, intensity of sun, length of growing season – follow the local recommendations first, and start branching out when you know what works well in your yard.

      Best of luck! Eating your yard is so much fun!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks. At this point all I know is I have a lot of space, I’m in zone 6b, and the sun is intense from morning until sunset. I guess that’s a start!

    2. Natalie*

      If you’re really getting into it and you’re starting from scratch anyway, I love Edward C Smith’s books, specifically The Vegetable Gardener’s Bible. He’s low key and approachable, and has general garden set up tips as well as specifics for pretty much all vegetables and herbs (and a few fruits even).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Added to my Good Reads list! Low key is good for me. I really want to understand the basics. I’ve tried finding some sort of gardening classes, but there’s nothing around here. Not much in the way of gardening clubs, either, unless I’m just not looking in the right place.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Here the deer can clear an eight foot fence. People go up 12 feet or more.
      If you do fence this garden in, think about traffic flows. You need to get in and out with a wheelbarrow load of stuff on a regular basis. You don’t want to have to make hard right/left hand turns with a heavy wheelbarrow in 90 degree heat. This gets tiring as the years roll by.
      If you plan on using a tractor for tilling the size of your gate becomes important so you can get the machine in and out.
      If you have a garden of a larger size, it’s worth considering two gates instead of one gate. Put the gates opposite of each other in a way that makes sense for work flows. (Ex: One gate is near to the house but the other gate is near the compost pile.}
      As you increase your garden think about what you will do with all the food. Do you have a freezer or a local food bank that will take your extras? I have friends who throw out wheelbarrows of food every year. Their garden is too big for their needs and their available time to take care of it. This makes gardening less fun, a lot less fun.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        *deer in the headlights here* (no pun intended!)

        I seriously never would have thought of any of these things until AFTER the garden was planted. Thank you!

        Yes, I have a deep freezer, as well as a Foodsaver. It’s only me and my husband, and he’s really picky about veggies, so I guess I’d really have to think about what I’d grow. I’m a little more “worldly” when it comes to veggies. I’m fine with growing tomatoes, beans, peppers and herbs, and I can do those in the two raised beds I have now. I’m thinking for an in-ground garden I’d want to do potatoes, onions, carrots, lettuce, and maybe a small mix or veggies I’ve never had before so I can try them out, like brussels sprouts or kale. I’d love a small pumpkin patch, too. Mainly to sell the pumpkins or use them for pie.

        1. Natalie*

          Almost everything can be preserved somehow – lettuce is about the only thing I can think of that you can’t do much with besides eat fresh. Blanching and freezing is definitely easy (and you should be able to pick up a small chest freezer for under $100). You can also dry some things, either in the sun or in small batches in a low heat oven.

          A surprising amount of things can be pickled and canned in a water bath. You would need a few pieces of equipment for that but they’re pretty cheap, and if you haven’t done much canning, pickling is great for a beginner.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Pumpkins get one pumpkin per vine. They take a lot of space. Not trying to burst your bubble here, I think you have a lot of space so if you want to do this you could, but just allot enough space for them.

          One thing I get a kick out of is butternut squash. It will be multiple squash per vine and they are good keepers. I do NOTHING when I bring them in before frost. They last until December at any rate. No canning, no freezing, nothing. I set them in the heated part of the house with good air circulation around each squash. I have had a couple last until January which is kind of remarkable. I had some squash vines come up in the compost a couple years ago. (I don’t turn the compost like I should so it does not get hot enough to kill seeds.) I let the vines grow. They covered a 20′ by 15′ area roughly, I harvested 89 squash. I weighed them all because I was curious. They weighed just over 500 pounds all total. I would have gotten more but I let the frost kill the newbies. I had too much squash already. I rehomed half of what I had and kept the rest for me and the dog. It took us 4 months to eat them. (giggling.)

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I meant to add to this that my other option would be a flower garden. Not sure if I want to go for veggies or flowers/shrubs. My house was built in 1735, so if I did a flower garden I’d want to do something that fits with the time period. Based on some Googling, it would be more of a manicured garden modeling an English garden. Given some of the ones I’ve seen, it could be a lot of planning on my part, but the good thing is I’d be starting from scratch an a flat piece of land.

    5. foolofgrace*

      Deer can jump REALLY high, and bunnies are resourceful when they want food. A friend of mine did tall chicken wire enclosures completely around her tomato plants. They were small enough in diameter that deer couldn’t get in. Not sure how they worked on rabbits.

  59. HannahS*

    Formerly messy but now tidy people: help! I’ve always been untidy and a bit absentminded about it, and it’s something I really don’t like about myself. My apartment always descends into chaos and I have trouble identifying what the problem is. Somehow, the things that people who’ve always been fairly neat advise don’t really work for me. What are some things that you’ve tried that have made keeping your place clean easier?

    One thing I tried was only putting one plate, one bowl, and one set of cutlery within reach (the rest is on a high shelf) and that’s actually been good, because it forcibly prevents a massive accumulation of dishes in the sink. So, things that change my environment so that the default choice is tidier seem to be helpful.

    1. Randomly Generated*

      I am also messy but working on it! A thing that worked for me was a “no empty hands” rule – when I’m leaving a room, I look around and pick up two things that should be somewhere else, and then go to deposit them there.

      This isn’t a chainable rule (i.e. I don’t take 2 plates to the kitchen, and then pick up 2 more things in the kitchen, etc, as I’d always be circling the apartment.

      This keeps the disorder fairly contained by room at least, so when I do end up cleaning a room, I generally end up cleaning up everything that “lives” in that room and don’t need to keep leaving to put things away and seeing the disaster that is the other rooms.

      I guess a second rule is that I only clean one room per day. :)

    2. Lily Evans*

      I’ve gone through the messy to neat to messy again back to fairly neat cycle more than once (I’ve moved several times in the past few years and I swear I would have stayed on the neat path if packing and unpacking hadn’t thrown me off). My most successful neat streak was when I started with the Kondo method of paring down the amount of stuff I had and then organized things in a way that worked for me. But the biggest thing that helped to stay neat was forming good habits and not letting myself be lazy. Things like not letting myself leave things by the front door, it took a few minutes to put my coat and shoes away and sort my mail when I came home and not having that mess made a huge difference. Now I try to do my dishes when I finish a meal instead of letting them sit. I put my laundry away the same day I do it. Messes tend to be such a cumulative thing that can just snowball out of control and just getting into the habit of not even letting them start is really helpful. When I leave stuff out where it shouldn’t be on Monday, then it seems like less of a big deal to do the same thing on Tuesday, and then by the weekend what seemed like a small mess each day is totally overwhelming, so I just give up and let the mess get worse until it’s really hard to get it back together. Forcing myself to stick to good habits is the only thing that has ever helped in the long run.

    3. Trixie*

      When streaming (with commercials), I will use those breaks to pick up, straighten, etc. I also like to clean more on Thursday nights so I can enjoy the space for the weekend. (Versus seeing a bunch house hold work to complete on my time off.)
      Aside from being more diligent, I also benefit from purging items. Take a junk drawer or closet or box at a time, and decide what to keep (find better way to store) or donate/toss. The less “stuff” I have, the easier it is to manage as well as to simply find what I’m looking for.

    5. Triple Anon*

      Is there any music you really enjoy? Or any audio kind of thing? I tend to take a cleaning day where I blast my favorite music and get as much done as I can. Then I relax and enjoy the clean house.

      1. Anonymosity*

        I do this when I clean, but I like to listen to podcasts or old time radio shows, or something to distract myself from how much I hate cleaning!

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Another vote for baby steps. Break things down into much smaller chunks. Instead of saying, “I’m cleaning this entire room today!”, say, “I’m picking up all the magazines in this corner today and putting them into recycling/garbage/wherever.”

      A lot of people here probably know I have lots of cats, and with lots of cats comes lots of fur, messes, messes you didn’t find promptly, territorial…issues…and all that. But my husband and I are also prone to leaving stuff around, which takes a long time to make it back to where it came from, and being lazy about cleaning the house in general. I don’t mean it’s an uninhabitable disaster, just that it gets to the point where it looks like we have a team of toddlers running around, pulling everything out of the cabinets and such (and we have no kids). We typically would let it get too far, which at that point it feels so overwhelming, so we would go into a cleaning frenzy that would leave us exhausted. Within the last year or so, I’ve made it a point to do a little something on most days in order to make it so it’s not such a whirlwind of cleaning when someone comes over. I mean, I have a lot of cats so we still go crazy when someone is coming, but not to the level we used to. When there’s a commercial break or I leave the room for something, an item or two that doesn’t belong in that room comes with me and it goes back to its place. When we’re done with dinner, the dishes go right into the dishwasher or sink, the counters get wiped down, and any food items get put away.

      I’ve also applied the same concept to weeding my flower garden, which is very overwhelming even though it’s not huge. (It was already established when we moved in, and I’m trying to just maintain it. So much grass, milkweed, and vines!!) Instead, when i get home from work, which is around 5:30 pm, i throw on my gardening gloves and commit to just 10 minutes of weeding. And I don’t clean up the pile of weeds I pulled that day. I just add to the pile all week long. By the time the weekend comes, the pile of pulled weeds is dead and has shrunk, which makes it easier to clean up. Sure, it takes a lot longer, but I feel good that I’m doing something and it’s not such a massive, overwhelming project.

    7. Washi*

      I made a rule for myself and was super strict about it: if it takes less than 5 minutes to clean/put away, do it now. (Although a different rule I have for myself takes precedence – if I’m trying to get out the door and go somewhere, I just leave, rather than try to squeeze in another thing and then being late.)

      My problem was that I am also super absent-minded and I would note that something needed to be done, but just perpetually forget to do it even when I have time, so getting into the habit of putting things away immediately after using them or noticing they are out of place was key.

      1. Washi*

        *if I’m trying to get out the door and go somewhere and am ready early, I just leave

    8. Justice Beaver*

      I find it useful to set a timer for 10 min every evening just for cleaning. It’s longer than you think but also not overwhelming and as soon as that timer goes off I’ve done my job and don’t have to feel guilty. It helps keep things manageable.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      My answer is not a fun one. I looked at what types of things were piling up and where they were piling up. Then I asked WHY.
      The go-to answer is laziness, which I believe to be a superficial answer requiring little thought. The actual answers varied:
      There’s no place to put it.
      I need it for tomorrow and if I put it away I will forget it.
      I want to remember to return it to my friend.
      I have never decided on a flow for the paper work necessary to run my household.
      My garbage cans are not very big and not conducive to tossing things out because they seem to be full all the time.
      Indecision. I had a number of things sitting around waiting for me to make some type of decision on it. Repair it, toss it. Sell it, donate it. Use it some day, then never use it.

      This lead me to:
      Setting up a few hooks and shelves to give these stray items a home.
      Having a place to put things I need for tomorrow OR putting them directly in my car at night.
      I have one specific spot to put items I need to return to people. It’s near the door so I see it on my way out.
      I worked on setting up two areas to collect household paperwork for filing. I can sit down every so often and file it all.
      I got better garbage cans.
      The indecision one was a toughie. I did make mistakes and get rid of stuff I should have kept. But surprisingly there were not that many mistakes. I set time limits on repairs. If I could not fix something in x time then out it went. Stuff that has not been used in two years probably needs to leave.

      Figuring out why it’s happening can be a painful process. But finding solutions is such a relief. (Remember, laziness is not an acceptable answer, keep digging for the real answer.)

      1. Alpha Bravo*

        Ah, root causes. Dear to my heart. This so speaks to me – particularly the indecision! Daughter and I have been going through All The Stuff that’s accumulated here for the last 30 years, and I’ve been forced to make decisions I would much rather kick down the road…. It’s like having all the details of my and my spouse’s life together dragged out and having to pass judgement on which bits are worth keeping. Painful. But necessary.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I hear you.
          I started with everything that had a gasoline engine. The thought being that engines take a set and then become worthless. So I got rid of the van, motorcycles, wood chipper, walk-behind mower and so on while they would still actually start. I was able to get enough money to pay off the van and buy a few tools I could use.
          I moved on to his clothes. An odd thing happened there. I did not expect to feel good about donating them. It dawned on me that people would actually get use of the clothing, as opposed to leaving it in the closet for decades and then no one wants it. And this is weird, I actually got happy about having more space in the closet. Weird, but emotions are not logical.

          Some things can go to the back burner. Especially if they do not take up too much space or if they actually interest you personally.
          Did you start a memory box? I used a Rubbermaid tote and started loading miscellaneous papers and mementos in the tote. This is stuff that I did not want to let go of but I had no idea where else to put it.

          One thought. They gave us the life we had and we still have that life to some degree. For example, the community where we live is because of them, because of a decision they made with us. No matter how much we sell or donate or trash, we will never lose how they forever changed the course of our lives.
          I have gotten rid of a lot but I still have a lot, my community, my neighbors, my friendships are all because of being with him. Our spouses kept us safe and we kept them safe as much as possible in this world. This is huge and nothing to skate past. We never lose these intangibles and we can’t give these intangibles away, sell them or accidentally throw them out. We keep the part about how they forever changed the course of our lives in so many ways.

      2. HannahS*

        Yeah, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head for me. It’s not just that I’m lazy–I mean, I kind of am, but it’s the logistical stuff that I find overwhelming. The part about stuff that is just waiting for me to make decisions on rings very very true.

    10. foolofgrace*

      Mail can build up on any available horizontal surface. It helps to use the OHIO method — Only Handle It Once. Throw out the junk mail, put bills in the file folder to be paid, leaf through catalogs to see if they can be chucked immediately.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I don’t even let the mail come into my house until I’ve gone through it and thrown any junk/unwanted mail into the recycling bin outside. I stand in front of the bin, sort the mail, open it, and then either hold it or toss it into the bin. Obviously I don’t do this as much in the winter or when it’s pouring rain, but most of the time I can do it. It helps so much!

    11. Sparrow*

      I’m not a naturally clean person, and my apartment does tend to descend into chaos when my life gets busy, but I’ve noticed I feel so much happier in my space when things are picked up (not spick-spanking clean, just better). I try to do a 20 minute pick up on Fridays, plus one actual cleaning task, like vacuuming or scrubbing the bathroom sink. I spend more time at home on the weekends, so the pick-up helps me transition from the school week to the weekend. I also make sure that commonly-handled items all have a home: hooks in the closet for purses, enough hangers for coats and jackets, hamper for laundry, etc. I also try to do a few dishes whenever I’m in the kitchen cooking, but not doing a cooking task (like while waiting for a pot to boil or something).

    12. Red Sky*

      Start small with one new cleaning rule that you adhere to until it becomes habit, then add another rule and so on and so forth. Ex. I made a rule about no dirty dishes in the sink when I go to bed. It took about 2-3 weeks for it to become habit (and now it actively bothers me if there are dishes in the sink at bedtime), at which point I added empty the dishwasher as soon as reasonably possible after it completes its cycle. Slowly over time you’ll develop good habits, but start small and don’t add a new one until you’ve habituated the old one.

      Also, does everything have a place it belongs? If not, that might be something to work on. I actually found shopping for storage and organization solutions really fun and pinterest has good ideas if you’re unsure where to start.

  60. Enya*

    A friend just became a Rodan and Fields rep and wants me to come to a party. I’d never heard of the company before, are the products really as good as she says?

    1. Mandy P.*

      It is a Multi Level Marketing scam. You should stay far, far away from any parties and try to talk some sense into your friend. The products are a ripoff and it is nothing more than a scam. If she brings it up shut it down. You don’t need to buy junk and be part of a scam.

      3. Foreign Octopus*

        Danger, Enya, danger!

        100% MLM. Definitely shut it down.

        “Sorry, friend, but I can’t make it.”

        “Sorry, friend, but I’ve heard of it and it doesn’t sound like it’s for me.”

    2. Anti MLM*

      Your friend has been hooked into a scam. She has spent money that she will never get back. If you have a good relationship you can try to talk some sense into her. Whatever you do don’t buy any of that garbage or go to any parties.

    3. Sylvan*

      Do not go. Unfollow or snooze your friend on social media for a little while. Very sorry.

    4. LadyKelvin*

      They are made by a couple of real dermatologists who sold the company to estee lauder, and when the products didn’t sell well in regular stores (because they weren’t any good) the people bought the company back and turned it onto an MLM. So yes, the products suck and yes its a total scam. The old “if its so good why aren’t they selling them in stores” for this one is that, well they tried and failed.

    6. Run far far away*

      Your friend has been taken for a ride and scammed out of a huge amount of money by getting involved with this. Don’t let her take you down and get scammed out of money along with her.

    7. Come On Eileen*

      I will offer a different point of view from the above. I also have a friend who sells R+F so I bought a few items to try it out. These products work really well for me! I’m not interested in becoming a rep myself, but the skin care products I’ve purchased have made a noticeable difference in my complexion. I wouldn’t say it’s a scam – yes, it’s multi-level marketing. But if you decide to be a customer, it’s a normal transaction. Pay for product, receive product, use product. I personally don’t care if my friend who sells it makes a ton of money or loses money by being a rep. It’s similar to Mary Kay in my eyes – sold through independent reps, but it’s still a legitimate product that you might like. Or might not – nothing wrong with going and seeing if it’s for you.

      1. Come on....*

        Found the Rodan and Fields scammer. How can you actual defend a scam that defrauds people out of money for products that are so bad they were pulled from stores?

        1. Come On Eileen*

          Thankfully, it’s not my job to defend anything. I’m just buying some skin care products that work well for me.

      2. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

        Like every skin care product ever, it works for some, doesn’t work for others.

        (Though I’ve heard several horror stories about their lash product…apparently there are lawsuits filed about it.)

        However, it is VERY expensive. Just to compare, their anti-aging regimen retails for $199. Add on $12 shipping charge, and it’s over $200. I went to Target’s website and was able to find similar products from Olay for less than $60.

  61. writing classes*

    Writers and queers among you – I am taking a writing class and the instructor has very strongly told us he wants us to write in our own gender – it’s a beginner’s class, he said we should concentrate on “what we know”. Anyway, I have so much trouble with this instruction. It seems it assumes you can tell someone’s gender from looking at them (we are all strangers to each other); and that gender is very binary and fixed; and that there’s some essential masculinity and femininity. Any way to push back against this? My character for this week is definitively coming out (pun unintended) as a different gender than my current presentation, and when I’ve tried to change it, it just is off; it was in fact my gender then (our character has to be a teen). I really would like to avoid the gender 101 conversation because god, I’m so sick of giving it, so looking for something lighter that would get the job done.

    1. Magrat*

      I think the best way to push back is to write what you know, so if the gender of your teen character is different than now because that was your experience, then that’s what you write.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        +1

        If the instructor pushes back, look him in the eye and say “you told us to write what we know. This is what I know.”

        On a side note, I hate the instruction – write what you know. The whole point of writing is imagination and creativity.

        1. LilySparrow*

          This.

          Good writing takes insight, self-knowledge, and clear thinking. A good writer can write true things about human emotion and experience in the wildest imaginary context — if they *know* true things about themselves, about relationships, about the way people feel and behave. The problem is when you make assumptions or want to write a scene just because it sounds cool or embodies some wish-fulfillment. All writers fall into that trap sometimes, but it’s especially hard for beginners to avoid.

          Write things you know are emotionally true. Write real experiences.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      Your instructor isn’t telling you that you can’t write a trans character. He’s saying, in a roundabout way, that women should not be afraid to put their women characters front and center, and also that men should maybe stop assuming that they have anything of value to say about the female experience.

      Lately there’s this resistance toward acknowledging that a great deal of women’s oppression has been tied to our biology. There’s no one version of essential femininity, but there certainly is a massive historical pattern of biological cis men oppressing biological cis women, and encouraging women to write about womanhood is IMPORTANT. I don’t think your instructor would object to a trans writer writing a trans character. He is only trying to avoid women defaulting to writing crowd-pleasing male characters , and men from writing sexpot male-fantasy girls.

    3. Triple Anon*

      The, “Write what you know,” thing is off because a lot of what we write is symbolic or otherwise not to be taken literally. Often those more metaphorical ideas aren’t even obvious to the author at first. They come out when you write what you want to write without placing limits on yourself.

      There are pitfalls. The thing to avoid is ignorance about other people’s experiences. So if you’re writing about something you haven’t experienced, you have to do your research. That’s harder to ask, and brings up some complex topics. I think teachers sometimes say, “Write what you know,” so that students don’t accidentally offend each other (“But my character is female and I read that all women are . . . “). I’ve heard it from a lot of teachers.

      I like the other suggestions here. If pushing back doesn’t work, you could treat the rules as a challenge – a writing exercise. But I also like the idea of just writing what you want and defending it as your own experience.

      Personally, I think rules like this are anti-creativity and tend not to accomplish what they’re intended to.

    4. RestlessRenegade*

      I haven’t been in your situation (I’m a cis bisexual woman) so I really can’t say–I totally get not wanting to explain gender to anyone (and you shouldn’t have to!) but from a writing instruction perspective I worry about pushback from your instructor (that I would hate for you to have to deal with).

      It sounds like your instructor’s approach is pretty basic/introductory and I can see why they’d give that advice. There’s a lot to unpack about “write what you know”–it’s important not to try to hijack other cultures/experiences, but writing what you know is about writing the truth in whatever form it takes, but if we take it too literally then we can only write really boring stories about our own lives, etc. I’m not sure why your instructor is coming down so hard on the “don’t write other genders” thing because honestly tons of writers do it and unless he’s worried about a particular person writing something harmful, I don’t see the value in a blanket ban versus treating the issue IF/WHEN it comes up?

      All that is my way of saying I think your instructor has good intentions but is missing the mark and I’m sorry. I hope you get something good out of the class, and keep writing!

  62. ..Kat..*

    I may be getting a new iPhone! Anyone know how to back up old phone and restore new phone so that I don’t have to do it app by app? Thanks in advance!

    1. Claire*

      You can back it up to iCloud then just select the option to set up from iCloud backup when you set up the new phone. Connect to WiFi, go to Settings, then iCloud, then select Backup. Turn it on if necessary and tap the option to backup now.

      Then when you have the new phone, turn it on and follow the instruction until you get the Apps and Data screen, then choose Restore from iCloud backup and sign in to your iCloud account. Then choose the desired backup. It will download all your apps and content to the new phone.

    2. ..Kat..*

      I know that I have done this before. I am finding that my problem is that different versions of the iOS software have different steps to get to the backup screen! Ugh. Figured it out. Thanks.

    3. Nicole76*

      Plug the old phone into your computer, start iTunes, choose create back up. Plug new phone in and choose restore from backup. You can probably do this wirelessly too if you have iCloud turned on but I suggest you Google it as I’m not familiar with that particular process.

  63. Gracia*

    For some personal reasons, I think I will be leaving alone my whole life. With that premise, I want to have a good retirement plan, as well as some outlook from anyone who is or knows people living this way. I am in my 20s now, and I am pursuing a career in IT field. I also think about when I get old and could not keep up with the technology demanded in this particular field, I could become a teacher since I can speak Japanese and English.

    Maybe now is still a little to soon to start worrying about retirement plan, but since I will be alone, I want to have that sense of security of knowing what my life plan looks like and where am I in said plan. I dread the idea of being unemployed at 40s with no one to turn to and with measly any saved money left. And since I will not have a partner or spouse to turn to, I want to be prepared for as many scenarios as possible in advance and how to solve them if they do become real.

    So in summary, I would like to ask for any idea/advice about a good retirement plan, for any outlook regarding a life living alone (without partner/spouse/family/relatives/friends). Thanks for reading and hope you have had good time in this open thread!

    1. KatieKate*

      I don’t know if early retirement interests you at all, but the financial independent community on reddit has a lot of advice for single people saving for retirement.

    2. Not All Who Wander*

      Compound interest is AMAZING. I’m light years ahead of my peers who didn’t start until their 30s.

      As soon as I write the check to pay off The Leech (soon to be ex who has contributed squat financially or emotionally), I will also be likely retiring completely on my own. It’s very freeing! I’m afraid I don’t have any specific advice for you bc I’m federal and our retirement is a whole nother deal. Except one thing. …even if you eat ramen and drink folgers, ALWAYS contribute up to any employer’s max match. That is free money.

      Also, spend a ton of time researching anyone you take advice from or consider for an account. Most of the rules preventing them from flat lying to you are gone and they were never that strong to start with. If it’s free and not a government agency, they probably do NOT have your best interest at heart no matter what the sales pitch.

    3. Daphne*

      Don’t have much to add Garcia, except I’ve been having thoughts like this as well. It would be really nice to be part of a two-income household, but that isn’t looking likely and I need to get some sort of a career off the ground if I’m to support myself at all, which leaves less time for meeting someone. Regardless of the scenario you find yourself in, I think planning for your financial future is very wise. After all people end up divorced, disowned by family or outlive partners so no harm in a ‘backup plan’!

    4. Nacho*

      Put away as much money as you can. There are calculators that can tell you about how much is enough, but in general you’ll want about 15-20%. Maybe a little less since you’re starting young.

      Use a 401k if you think your taxes will be less when you retire than they are now, but if they’ll be more (like if you live in a state w/o an income tax), then just fill the Roth maximum and put the rest in a normal investment account. Don’t think too hard about it, just invest in the Dow/NASDAQ/S&P. They won’t be the ones that give you 20+% returns like Apple and Microsoft did in their primes, but they average around 10% a year, and over the course of decades the risks are negligible.

    5. LPUK*

      I’ve lived alone my whole adult live and am now starting to think about retiring, so i’ve been facing into this for a while. I knew early on that I would be single and would need to fund my own lifestyle and retirement. At first the idea of not having a back-up salary in the form of a husband was scary, but as it’s played out, what I lost in not having a back-up salary I gained in not having kids to bring up, and the freedom to concentrate on getting a good career and earning money ( I was able to take jobs in different countries). One of the earliest pieces of advice I got was from my economics teacher who told us all to get our pensions started as soon as we started work… and I can now see the wisdom in that reflected in my pension pot! I’ve always been a saver and found that one of the easiest ways to do so was to make sure that when I got a pay rise I put it straight into regular savings so I never got used to having more money to spend – expenditure tends to expand to fill the bank balance. I also generally overpaid my mortgage – luckily I bought at a time of higher interest payments and as it dropped, I kept the payments where they were. In the early days, it wasn’t a great deal of money, about thirty pounds a month, but that builds up and if it comes off the principal, it starts to reduce the interest you pay ( which means that you can then afford to pay more off). It’s a bit like a snowball, for the first five years or so it doesn’t seem to make much difference, but then the miracle of compound interest kicks in and then it all starts to move much more quickly, which is great to see. On the other hand, living alone should not just be an exercise in frugality- it’s important to set aside some money and treat yourself in a way that’s meaningful to you, because there’s no one else to do it for you. My indulgence to myself has always been my cleaner – I work hard, so the last thing I want to do when I get home is start cleaning toilets and vacuuming! Although being fully responsible for your own future can seem very tough at first, I now get a great sense of pride in what i’ve achieved for myself – a comfortable life, a roof over my head and a reasonable degree of security for my retirement. It’s been worth the effort and planning, and I hope you find the same.

    6. heckofabecca*

      Not sure if it’ll be worth it/feasible for you, but long-term care insurance might be something to look into. Happy Sunday :)

    7. The Other Dawn*

      All I can say is that it’s never, ever too early to start saving for retirement. The advice I’ve always heard, and followed, is to start as soon as you get your first job.

  64. Serious Pillowfight*

    Hi guys! I am so, so grateful to have this thread and all of you to turn to. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Alison, for everything you do and give to us, for both work and personal life.

    I wrote in recently about feeling disappointed by how little our military cadets we sponsor contact us. Well, my husband and I just applied to host an exchange student! I’m so excited. An exchange student changed my life as a teen (dated the German one in high school) and now I’m in a position to offer one a comfortable place to stay in a great town within walking distance of the high school, library, and parks. They will have their own room with a big bed and a desk. So glad we have a two-bedroom! Stuff like this is why I wanted a two-bedroom home.

    I feel like I might have been born to do this. 35, no kids of my own, and I love meeting people from other cultures. I always joked that if I had a kid, I would want it to be older and come knocking on my door like, “Hey, I’m your kid. I can feed and dress myself and I sleep through the night and wipe my own butt!” Well, this is like that.

    It looks like we’re getting a 16-year-old boy from Denmark. The organization is “holding” him for us and is going to do background checks, reference checks, and a home visit, all of which I know we’ll pass. He likes astronomy and ice hockey and plays guitar, all of which match my husband’s and my interests. He seems really smart and thoughtful. We haven’t spoken to him yet but we read a letter he wrote about himself to his future host family. We won’t be able to contact him or see his photo until we pass the background checks, understandably.

    I also wrote in last week worried about my birthday. Well, my husband ended up making sugar cookies with inside jokes written on them in icing! I laughed so hard I fell against the wall. It was perfect. He said he’s also planning on taking me on a date next week. I think going off my antidepressants, which I’ve mentioned in yesterday’s thread and last week’s thread, was not smart. I’m now on my fourth day back on them. Hoping they don’t take too long to kick back in.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      That’s an awesome birthday present!

      And good luck with the exchange student! The family I babysat for had a Japanese exchange student for a little bit. My favorite part was when the 4 year old boy I watched formally introduced us. “Aurora Leigh this is (name), (name) this is Aurora Leigh. She’s a girl, too!”

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        He understood the key to a good introduction–pointing out common ground!

  65. MsChanandlerBong*

    I am so frustrated. We went to see a rental house this morning, and it’s absolutely perfect. We more than meet the income requirement, have no eviction/foreclosure/repossession issues, and have had an excellent rental history since we’ve been together (for nine years). Yet we may not get the house because my husband’s previous employer will not give personal references (they verify dates of employment and pay rates only via a third-party company). The landlord said that third-party verification does not meet his needs. How is anybody ever supposed to get ahead when they keep encountering stuff like this? We literally have no control over the policies of his former employer. This is now the second time this policy has made things difficult for us. The first time, my husband’s job offer was rescinded because his new employer refused to hire him without speaking to a supervisor and asking them a list of questions–they would not just accept employment verification.

    The landlord also wants to contact our current landlord, which I understand, but I am afraid she is going to be vindictive and give us a bad reference because we are not buying her house as planned. I posted last weekend about how she wants too much for this house AND she’s been trying to hornswoggle us by hounding us to sign a purchase agreement and then telling us the price in the contract is only a starting point. This house has no garage, no landscaping, no bathtub, and two bedrooms. The laundry room is set up so ridiculously that I literally can’t do laundry because the washer is wedged behind a wall and I am too short to lean past the wall and get the clothes out of the machine. The house we looked at today has three bedrooms, two bathrooms with bathtubs in both of them, a large laundry room, a two-car garage, and some basic landscaping (gravel, small trees and shrubs, etc), and it’s in a way better neighborhood. The asking price is only $2,000 more than what our current landlord wants for this place.

    I am just feeling discouraged. We have done everything right–worked our butts off, saved money, had no evictions or landlord issues, etc., and we may lose out on this house because of something dumb.

    1. Mallory*

      Will your new landlord accept copies of old tax returns and/or old W2s in lieu of your former emoloyer’s refrence? You might call and explain the policy and offer up those options. Or copies of your bank statement with those paychecks highlighted (may have to request from bank if it’s a while back).

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I already gave him copies of our pay stubs for the past 2.5 years, tax returns and W-2s/1099s going back to 2011, letters of credit from our utility companies showing that we have an excellent credit rating with each of them, and rent receipts from the past three years. He wants to talk to someone.

          1. MsChanandlerBong*

            I will ask. We did mention that my husband is still in touch with a coworker, but the landlord didn’t really say anything, so I am not sure if he would accept that.

            1. Aurora Leigh*

              I would be tempted to ask the coworker to pretend to be a supervisor in this situation. It seems like the new landlord is being unreasonable, but I have never lived anywhere with a competitive housing market.

    2. Anono-me*

      Could yoy invite the potential landlord to your current home? That way he can see how you keep it. (And the reality of your living situation right now, so that if he talks to your current landlord he has the appropriate context.)

      Also, would the potential landlord be interested in speaking to some personal references? Maybe a friend who’s got an impressive title could say you’re good people who would be good tenants.

      Goodluck.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        That is a good idea. The other house is only 15 minutes from this house. We did explain the current situation–that the landlord wants way more than this house is worth, and it’s not worth it to us when there are houses like his that are nicer and in better neighborhoods. I was also thinking of taking pics of our house and emailing them to him tomorrow (he won’t start reviewing our app until Monday since both of our employers are closed on weekends). At least it would show him that we keep the place clean.

    3. RestlessRenegade*

      I don’t have any advice, just sympathy. Finding a place to live is really hard, and the hoops that renters and buyers are expected to jump through are absolutely insane in some places. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can, and I hope you find a place you love to live in soon.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      It’s so irritating when a place has rigid rules and no flexibility even when there is a good reason for it. We had this problem when trying to rent a flat in another city for work. The landlord’s agent couldn’t understand that we owned our house and therefore didn’t have a current landlord reference!

  66. Weird Pet Question*

    I have a cat who I’m pretty sure has cognitive and vision deficiencies, due to being orphaned before weaning and nearly starving. It has taken him a while to learn how to “be a cat” and he’s partially done so through imitating our other cat.

    One thing he is NOT picking up is that he needs to move when he’s in the way. This is a problem because he likes to lie on the stairs in the sun, and when we’re going up and down with our hands full, we have to nudge him with a foot until he gets annoyed and moves. He does not care about weird noises or raised voices. We do squirt him with a water gun when we catch him misbehaving, but we can’t get anything done if we’re constantly carrying it around. He also ignores the broom/mop/etc. He’s just utterly oblivious to the fact that a foot or a large object coming towards him is a possible danger.

    TL;DR: How do you teach a cat the second law of physics?

    1. Lcsa99*

      To be honest he sounds like a perfectly normal cat! It’s his house and you’re the one in his way, using his stairs.

      And I think it’s awesome he isn’t scared of the broom or mop. I always felt bad when out cats were scared of them, though they had no reason to be.

      I think you’re boy is just being an ornery kitty.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I agree. A couple of my cats. Most especially the Persian, will just lay wherever they want, which is usually on or at the bottom of the stairs. Doesn’t matter if someone is coming at him with a vacuum, feet or anything else. He is absolutely not moving. I think you have a pretty normal kitty.

      2. Clever Name*

        Yeah, I agree that this sounds like normal cat behavior. One of my cats loves chilling on the stairs (it’s a high spot from which she can survey her domain) and the other one will walk so close alongside me as I descent the stairs his flank is touching my leg and then at the last second he turns right in front of my legs so I practically kick/step on/trip over him.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’m convinced one of my females is trying to kill me. As I go down the stairs she races down and then zig zags in front of me. Stone cold killer, she is.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      I have a kitty that is so inbred she definitely has some struggles and has learned a lot from my other cat.

      Her weakness is shiny things — jewelry, coins, staples (!!)– she wants them in her mouth. She tries to eat necklaces while I am wearing them.

      She also used to have the not moving issue. Honestly, she only learned when I actually fell on her. Luckily we were both all right and no stairs were involved. I’m sure if someone was there to take video it would have been hilarious though.

    3. Sylvan*

      I think that’s just going to be how he is. Some cats just develop differently. Hopefully he’ll learn more from the other cat.

      My parents have a cat who’s an absolute sweetheart but not really all there mentally. The veterinarian says she is healthy and happy, and that’s what matters. We can’t really teach her anything because she doesn’t understand the connections between her behavior and our reactions. Just grateful she’s housetrained, tbh.

    4. periwinkle*

      I have a cat who was not quite 3 months old when we adopted him: medical history unknown, taken to a crowded high-kill shelter, probably wasn’t living the healthiest life before being transported to Seattle for adoption.

      I have another, a pampered purebred with robust bloodlines, purchased from a responsible breeder who ensured proper nutrition and veterinary care from conception onward.

      Both cats are oblivious that they’re in the way of human feet, the vacuum, the Roomba, etc. The second law of physics is simply another rule which does not apply to them, along with “the kitchen counters are off limits” and “please do not jump from the bookcase onto the human, especially not at 4am.” Sounds like your cat is, at least in this instance, behaving like a perfectly normal cat.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      I can also vouch for “not moving for anything ever” is a relatively common cat behavior. Both of my cats used to manage to be in the way pretty often. Usually it was to sprawl out directly behind someone standing at the sink, so we had to learn to check behind us before moving because despite multiple tail-stepping, the cats did not learn.

      One of them did develop feline dementia in her later years but that was more evident in behavior like changing her litter habits and constantly forgetting how a door worked (hint: the open part is where you aim for, not the door jamb). She was moving more slowly by then so the head bonking was minimal.

    6. nonegiven*

      >he needs to move when he’s in the way.

      That’s just cat, human. Don’t you know you’re supposed to go around?

  67. Temporarily anon*

    Has anyone here eloped? Pros/cons/regrets?

    Pertinent facts: we’re both in our 40s. Second marriage for her, first for me. Her family is small and internally fraught; mine is large and only slightly less fraught—but not abusive, etc. Our main motivation isn’t avoiding family strife (just a bonus). Mostly we want to save money and are just kind of over the whole wedding-industrial complex. Our moms will PITCH A FIT if we do this but will also tangle/complicate any wedding planning, over a longer time, probably to the point of upping costs. (They would happily contribute and can afford it, but the ceremony enlargement that seems likely would backflow onto us. Also it just seems like a dumb thing to spend cash on, period.)

    We’re envisioning eloping to a major city, where it’s possible to get inexpensive elopement photo/flower packages. Including hotel honeymoon, it would be about $4-5k, tips.

    Any thoughts?

    1. Amaryllis*

      Do it! If I had to re-do my wedding, I would totally elope.

      If you want to split the difference between “running away alone” and “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, you could try a variation of what my cousin did: she and the groom invited their three living parents on a beautiful vacation, then surprised them with the wedding once they were there. (YMMV based on your family structure.)

    2. Nicole76*

      This is exactly what we did – eloped, married on the beach, honeymooned at Disney World. Had a great time and didn’t regret it one bit. Do what YOU want because it’s your wedding. We chose elopement because we were not keen on all the attention, were already living together so didn’t need gifts, and didn’t want to spend the money on just one day.

    3. Cristina in England*

      We eloped. Second marriage for me. The whole thing cost about £350, most of that being the cost of the ceremony (paying the registrar, etc). My sister was annoyed but my sister cried at my first wedding OUT OF SADNESS so she was never going to be happy for me anyway. My parents weren’t angry (they live many thousands of miles away and, in fact, they eloped themselves!). We did trick my mother in law (who lived locally) into coming though, with help from our witnesses. We told her that she was coming out to lunch with us and instead our witnesses drove her to the registry office. We didn’t even buy anyone lunch! But I did give our witnesses and my mother in law mini wedding cakes in cute little bakery boxes.

    4. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      We didn’t elope, as in we didn’t leave town, but had the least fanfare humanly possible. A Justice of the Peace, my husband, and I met up in our empty new house (in between trips hauling things over) and said the words and signed the papers. That was it. $60 for the license and $40 for the JOP. Done. My family isn’t big on ceremony though, so there were no hurt feelings about not being able to witness the moment.
      Can you compromise in a way that doesn’t create work for you, but gives your moms a chance to do their thing? Like, do exactly what you want to do for the actual wedding, and ask them to work together and throw a “Happy Back from the Honeymoon!” party?

    5. Washi*

      My husband and I didn’t elope and had an amazing magical wedding. But when I think about the number of hours and dollars it took to have that one beautiful weekend…I sort of wish we did elope! For us, it was important that the wedding feel special and not just like a piece of paperwork, but there are a lot of non-traditional and less stressful ways to do that.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My husband and I didn’t technically elope, as we told our parents before we did it (told, not asked), but we got married in an inn by the innkeeper/justice of the peace in a neighboring state where no witnesses were required. We had no money for a wedding, and my husband was freaking out over the whole idea of any type of wedding, no matter how small. So it was just us and a three day weekend. No regrets but I will admit it was a bit anticlimactic. I like your idea of making it more celebratory, which was really what was missing from my “elopement.”

    7. Brunch with Sylvia*

      My husband and I married at city hall, had lunch before hand with our parents and my children. My husband did not want his (adult) children there nor sibs. I believe his sister held some hard feelings over it but has since then found something else to be mad about. It was not the first wedding for either of us. Totally glad we did it this way- our moms would have made any type of big occasion difficult for different reasons yet we didn’t want to completely exclude them.

    8. Kuododi*

      What my sister did for her wedding was quite lovely but extremely low stress. (Second marriage for both parties.). She reserved rooms at a fantastic B&B in the New England area for the wedding weekend. She additionally reserved space at a local historical church. It had a sanctuary full of stained glass windows, old polished wood and brass. No real need for flowers. The only people invited were our parents, his parents, myself and my DH. (I was the officiating clergy, DH was there to look cute and pass out Kleenex!) The B&B prepared a huge post ceremony dinner in their dining room and otherwise we just relaxed and enjoyed visiting the area. We flew back a couple of days later. Sister and her DH hosted a reception approximately a month later to celebrate with extended family and friends. I hope this gives you some more ideas about planning y’all’s wedding. Blessings to both of you and my hope for a long and healthy life together!!!

    9. Saskia*

      I highly recommend eloping! Many years ago I eloped and around 12 months later had a party which was far less fraught than a wedding.

      Your family will be okay or not. It’s not your job to manage their feelings about it. Do what aligns with your values. Best wishes for a very happy marriage!

    10. Detached Elemental*

      I didn’t elope, but 13 years on from my wedding, I wish we had.

      I wish we’d taken all the money we spent on the wedding, and eloped overseas for a combined wedding/honeymoon. It would have been more relaxing and more “us”.

    11. Melody Pond*

      Mr. Pond and I didn’t quite elope, but we made it pretty small. The actual marriage piece was just a retired judge, our two witnesses, and us. We both dressed up a bit, and this took place in a community space in our condo building, which we’d reserved. Afterwards we had around 15 people over for a small reception with light snacks and treats – and I honestly feel like we could’ve skipped that part. I wish we’d just done the marriage piece with our two witnesses and skipped the rest.

    12. Cambridge Comma*

      We told parents, siblings and close friends the morning of. I think some people just want to be in the ‘in the know’ category rather than finding out with everyone else. We had an “alibi” — I had just realised that my unborn daughter would not be eligible for citizenship of my country if we weren’t married when she was born — which made it easier for people to accept, but the truth was that we wanted a marriage, not a wedding, and that my family are too difficult to involve in this kind of stuff but not bad enough to shut out completely.
      I’m surprised at the cost you quote; you may save by not getting packages that are specifically for weddings, but perhaps the convenience is worth it.
      I would suggest sending fancy announcement cards to tell your families. Fancy cards make things seem more legitimate somehow.

      1. Temporarily anon*

        Well, in the $4-5k number, I’m including air fares and hotel—which makes up more than a half—plus general city-trip expenses. The flowers don’t matter that much to me, but my fiancée and I would like some nice pictures. It’s the one wedding nicety we’d really care about after the fact.

    13. Red Reader*

      We invited a dozen people to join us on a Vegas vacation that would be briefly interrupted by a fifteen minute wedding ceremony. On the way to Vegas we spent a week at Disneyworld. It was perfect for us.

    14. Red Sky*

      We eloped and saved $$ for down payment on house and don’t regret it one bit. Friends also threw us a reception party when we returned which was nice. Maybe that’s something your parents could do to help them feel a part of the celebration.

    15. Screenwriter Mom*

      Why not just have a simple wedding at a simple venue, like your own back garden, with potted flowers from the grocery store, a friendly low-cost caterer, a nice cake, champagne and sparkling wine from Trader Joe’s (you don’t even need anything beyond cake and champagne tbh), and some friends (or local students) playing music? A simple dress for her and a nice suit for you, and you can even get a friend to get one of those “universal life church” certificates and marry you. It’s all just a celebratory party, is all. (The real “marriage” is when you get the certificate at City Hall.) Then just go on a honeymoon to Italy–you can probably bring that vacay in at under $2K if you’re frugal, or splurge and spend a bit more. It’s about the marriage, not the wedding.

      1. Temporarily anon*

        It is about the marriage, not the wedding, which is why we don’t really want the wedding. Some low-key neighborhood thing isn’t impossible, but we foresee battling our moms the whole way; I wouldn’t put it past her mom to invite people without our approval. As for my mother—she practically bullied my system into a larger ceremony, and while I’d like to think I’m made of sterner stuff, I also know that any failure to capitulate will be bitched about for years to come.

        Tl;dr—if we could have that kind of ceremony without complications, we might, but as I said, this seems unlikely.

    16. Jerry Vandesic*

      We eloped 20 years ago to a small island in the Caribbean. Very simple, casual experience that both of us wanted. We specifically chose the island (Nevis) since the residency requirements for a wedding license were only a couple days. We were married by the justice of the peace, an elderly gentleman that told some very nice stories. We hired a local photographer to take some pictures, and he gave us the negatives for us to deal with. Total cost, outside of the travel, was less than $1K (simple white dress, marriage license, photographer). I am still glad we eloped. That being said, my wife’s father was somewhat upset with us eloping. The rest of her family, and my family, were fine with it all. Unlike some people, we didn’t have a post-wedding reception when we got back home.

  68. Foreign Octopus*

    Something that made me laugh this week was the reaction to Albert Einstein’s travel diaries from the 1920s, which were recently published. In them were less than kind remarks about the Chinese people that he encountered on his travels through China (this isn’t the funny part – and I’d like to point out that a number of Chinese people are actually defending his writings as being reflective of what China was like at the time).

    What made me laugh was a comment on twitter from one user who called to boycott Einstein.

    I’m curious as to how this person thinks we should go about boycotting Einstein. Do we upend modern physics by no longer using the Theory of Relativity? Ignore mass-energy equivalence? Disregard any research published that use his theories?

    It makes me wonder whether this person actually knows who Albert Einstein is.

    https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/jun/15/chinese-defend-einsteins-diaries-filthy-obtuse

    1. Thursday Next*

      It’s the reflexive boycott impulse to its most absurd extreme. I’m having fun picturing textbooks with big black bars blocking out descriptions of the Theory of Relativity.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        You’d have to throw away Newtonian physics as well – Newton was a pretty horrible person all round.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      It’s sort of like those people who were saying they would boycott Hamilton. As if you could even get a ticket if you wanted to.

  69. AlligatorSky*

    I don’t know if this is a depression thing or not, but I don’t know what the heck’s been wrong with me recently. I’m so tired all the time.

    I come home from work at 6pm, I fall asleep around 7pm and sleep right through to 6am. I feel like all I do is go to work, come home and sleep then I’m back at work again. The whole tiredness thing is genuine, like I don’t even mean ‘I feel a bit sleepy’ – I fall asleep on the train, I’ll fall asleep as soon as I sit on the couch, the other day I fell asleep halfway through eating dinner, and yesterday I felt asleep on the stairs when I was taking my shoes off. This morning I fell asleep in the shower and earlier when I was playing with my dog I fell asleep on the floor.

    I haven’t played my PS4 or watched TV or Netflix in 3 weeks cause I’m just always so exhausted. I tried watching TV last night and I couldn’t last 5 minutes without my eyes closing. I haven’t had an actual conversation with my friends in weeks either. I also get headaches every single day – The headache won’t go away no matter what painkillers I take and I’ll have it all day. It’ll go away when I sleep but once I wake up it’ll come back. I’ve tried sleeping less but I still had a headache and I felt exhausted. The headache lingers in the background all day, but I just ignore it. It’s annoying, but I can deal with it. I hate it in the mornings because it’s so intense and painful.

    I’m finding myself getting pissed off and frustrated at ridiculously random things. Yesterday I felt myself getting angry at the printer in work for no reason whatsoever. My desk has been next to that printer since I started at my job 2 months ago and it’s never bothered me. Suddenly yesterday every time someone used it and it made the noises I felt so angry. Yesterday morning when I was walking to the train station, a woman in front of me was running because we were both a little late, and that pissed me off. I was watching the World Cup earlier and I felt myself getting pissed off at the commentators, which is something that’s never bothered me before.

    I haven’t spoken to my friends properly in a while, due to me pretty much just sleeping all the time. I checked a couple of group chats that I’m in with some of my closest friends, and I felt so distant. I felt like I didn’t even know who they were. I didn’t care what they were talking about and I found myself getting annoyed at the things they were talking about. I feel like I’m drifting apart from them because I’m always so tired. I love my friends to death and I don’t understand why my brain is making me feel so annoyed at things that a month ago, I would’ve loved talking with them about.

    It’s scaring me, because I have NO idea why I’m feeling like this. I don’t know why everything’s annoying me. If I get less than 9-12 hours of sleep I feel terrible and sick yet, when I get that amount of sleep I feel like I’m just sleeping, going to work, coming back and sleeping again. I feel so drained and angry. God, my favourite actress uploaded an Instagram story earlier; Usually that would make me happy and I would rush to check it. Now, I didn’t even care. I didn’t give a toss. I had to force myself to watch it.

    I can’t really describe how I feel. I guess my best attempt would be that I feel like I’m trapped in a sleepy, angry bubble.

    1. Lily Evans*

      It could be depression or it could be an illness or some other imbalance that’s happening in your body (like a hormone imbalance or a vitamin deficiency). It’s definitely something you should go see a doctor about especially since it sounds like it’s having a major impact on your life.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        It’s weird, I also feel like I don’t wanna talk to anyone. Online is fine, I like doing this, I just don’t wanna talk to other people irl. I’ve been distant with my family the past couple of weeks and haven’t spoken to them much. My mum asked me if everything’s alright and I told her about the tiredness thing, she said it’s because I’m just tired from work and nothing else. I don’t even want to talk to my friends, which I feel awful about. I just can’t bring myself to talk to them. I thought about going to see a couple of my favourite films in the cinema last night and today. I decided not to because I just don’t want to be around other people. I want to be alone in my room, with nobody else around me and with nobody trying to talk to me.

        1. Lily Evans*

          Talking to people in person and online are two completely different things, though. One is right there in your face and the other you can take your own time with, so comparing the two can sometimes be a bit apples and oranges, you know? But a lot of health conditions can cause you to be more standoffish with people than you typically are. I’m sure your mom had the best intentions when she said it’s probably just tiredness from work, but the fact that you’re worried enough to ask for more outside advice about it leads me to think you probably know in your gut that it’s more than just tiredness. You should listen to that feeling.

          1. Lily Evans*

            Also, I totally don’t mean to sound overly alarmist! I just mean that if it’s unsettling you it’s better to get it checked out and have it turn out to be just stress than to keep struggling through it, wondering if it’s something more.

    2. Sylvan*

      Stress and exhaustion. You work full-time, IIRC? And then you go home to the stress of your home situation and the full-time job of handling your mother. You are essentially always on-duty in one way or another. Did your trouble with sleep begin around the same time that your plans to move out changed?

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      Please get this checked out! While you definitely have had enough going on for it to be “just” situational depression, I would want to rule out any physical illness.

      You’ll get through this! We’re all rooting for you!

      1. tangerineRose*

        Especially with the headaches! Go to the doctor, please. This might be something that just needs a slight change, like taking a more vitamin D.

    4. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      …co-signing that you should get checked out! Even if it is “just” depression, it sounds like you’ve had a huge change in your sleep cycle. That’s worrying enough on its own.

      That said: depression is weird, yo. Everything you’re describing – physical exhaustion, irritability, even the headache – could be linked to depression. But they’re also pretty general symptoms and could be something else. Or…I haven’t read your other posts this week yet, but it could just be a regular reaction to life stress.

      1. TL -*

        Could also be mono – that’s exactly like what I had when I had mono.

        Or it could be something a lot more serious, both physically or mentally. You should go to the doctor immediately.

    5. They called me crabby*

      Yes, please get checked out. Push to get your hormone levels evaluated, all of them. I wasn’t diagnosed with severe hormone imbalance until my anger was out of control, but when backtracking all my symptoms, my dr said I probably started having issues a few years before the official diagnosis when I went through a bad bout of extreme exhaustion. It’s an early indicatior that something isn’t right.

    6. Thlayli*

      Extreme tiredness is a symptom of a few things, not just depression. Please do go get it checked out.

    8. LilySparrow*

      Please make an appointment with your doctor right away. One thing it could be is a sleep disorder of some kind.
      Depression doesnt make you fall asleep in public. But a lack of the right kind of sleep phases can seriously mess up your brain and mood.
      For example, in sleep apnea you *think* you’re sleeping all night, but the constant interruptions in your breathing deprive your brain of oxygen and flood your body with stress hormones.

      Please get checked out as soon as you can, and I hope you’re feeling better soon.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      This could be a heart thing. You just had a huge let down where you thought you would be able to move out. So it could be grief. Grief is odd, it’s not just for deaths, it’s also for lost opportunities. For some folks grief goes to the heart and they can benefit from some B vitamins.
      I am not a doc. If you are concerned it would be wise to get a check up.

    11. Saskia*

      There are lots of reasons why you may be experiencing these symptoms.

      Please don’t disregard them!

      Based on what you describe I think it’s very important for your wellbeing to seek some medical assessments as soon as you can.

      Start documenting your symptoms, including sleep & mood, other things you notice like appetite / lack of appetite, feeling sick or dizzy, feeling weak etc.

      My family has a history of Obstructive Sleep Apnoea, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, diabetes, thyroid imbalance, and polycystic ovarian syndrome.

      One of my parents had such severe sleep apnoea that their personality changed (they became extremely irritable, angry, and unable to control their impulses). When diagnoses and effectively treated, they not only slept less, but they weren’t constantly angry due to chronic sleep deprivation.

      In my own experience, a lot of my exhaustion and fatigue was caused by medical conditions related to my endocrine system. Once I knew what the problem was & started taking medication to manage the conditions, I slept less and my energy levels increased.

      If you put your energy into investigating what’s happening for you, I hope you will get some answers which lead to solutions to improve your situation. Best wishes.

    12. formerly exhausted all the time*

      You should get this checked out. I experienced much the same thing. I could barely get through work and I slept all the time. Was still tired even with all the sleeping. Depressed, did not want to interact with anyone, never enjoyed anything.

      It turns out my biggest problem (among others) was my thyroid. And it was hard to uncover because my TSH, which is generally the only thing doctors check, was always fine. I ended up working with a nutritionist who suggested a full thyroid panel, which uncovered the weirdness- actual thyroid hormone levels off and high thyroid antibodies, as well as thyroid nodules discovered via ultrasound. Working with the nutritionist and keeping my doctor in the loop, I am feeling much better, though it is work in progress.

      Not saying you have thyroid problems, but your symptoms sound like they could be hormone imbalances. And even if it’s not, you should get it checked out, see what can be done so you can take steps to get your life back.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Yeah, this happened to my mom. She was so tired that she retired a year early, then she started taking thyroid medication and she felt like a new person and wished she hadn’t retired!

      2. LilySparrow*

        I worked for a while as a standardized patient at a teaching hospital (role play to help med students prepare for board exams)

        I presented as a hypothyroid patient who thought she was depressed and was asking for a referral to therapy so her insurance would cover it.

        I’m happy to say that about 95 percent of the students either asked enough questions to uncover typical thyroid symptoms (which are often explained away by the patient as something else) , or recommended blood work that would have caught it.

        I’m also happy that our reports were counted toward the students’ final grades. So the guy who told me I probably had a brain tumor, and the guy who was going to put me on a 72-hour psych hold were both red flagged for serious remedial training!

    13. Courageous cat*

      Agreed with seeing a doctor. I’ve known a couple people with similar issues and it ended up being mono. There’s a lot of things than can cause this.

      1. TL -*

        Lots of things from blood cancers to mono to depression to thyroid – a blood test by a doctor will do a lot to get you on the right treatment path.

    14. Red Sky*

      Oh lordy, you sound like me about 2 years ago. Definitely see a doctor. For me the extreme fatigue and constant headache was due to pretty bad anemia which was easily diagnosed and treated. I also went thru a whole mega-bitch rage thing as a result of fluctuating hormones caused by a new birth control prescription that was supposed to help level out my perimenoupause symptoms but actually made my emotional state much worse, so much so, I’m surprised my husband survived. I’m sorry you’re going thru this, it sucks, and I hope you get a solution soon.

  70. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m proud of myself for going to a concert this week. I haven’t done so in several years but I really like this musician. I took both of my anxiety medicines, and knit through the opening act, and drank lots of water. And it was good! It used up all my spoons though so I was anxious and tired the rest of the week.

    I’m struggling with sleep hygiene. I need to go to bed and wake up earlier and be better at avoiding electronics before bed.

    How are you?

    1. Red*

      I am SO MUCH BETTER, y’all. I tried to convince my therapist all was good, she wasn’t buying it for even a second, and talked me into checking myself into a psychiatric unit at the hospital. It was quite the experience, but helped so much. One of the better decisions I’ve made for myself, even though it was terrifying. If anyone has any questions about the experience, I would be happy to answer them!

      2. Thlayli*

        JusT realised this came out sarcastic. It was a genuine question – i didn’t think psychiatric inpatients were typically allowed mobile phones.

          1. Thlayli*

            So what was it like? The thing that scares me (apart from all the horror movie scenes in psychiatric wards) is that once you check in you might not be allowed to leave – is that true or is it a myth?

            1. Red*

              It depends. Once I got to the psych ER, I wasn’t allowed to leave until evaluated by a psychiatrist, which was fine by me because I knew I needed to be there anyway. I was allowed to be discharged at any time once I was officially admitted because it was a voluntary admission, but if they had to do it involuntarily they could have kept me for 72 hours against my will.

              Besides that, it wasn’t bad. No belts, shoelaces, keys, underwire bras, cell phones, windows that open, or plastic trash bags. There was one cordless phone for the whole unit, which was annoying. Scratchy hospital blankets and passable food. The day was mostly filled up with group therapy and I saw a psychiatrist every day, and the nurses were very nice. Visiting hours were annoying because it was only an hour, twice daily, and there was nothing going on if you didn’t have a visitor.

              1. Red*

                Oh yeah, and none of the doors latched and they had to check on you every 15 minutes 24/7 for safety reasons, so it was basically impossible to go to the restroom in peace

                2. Red*

                  I was suicidal and self harming and they got me the med changes and supervision I needed to stay alive and safe

                3. families!*

                  Ran out of nesting but thank you for answering and I’m so glad you’re in a better place.

      3. Red*

        I just realized I may have accidentally implied that I was still there. I’m thankfully not :) was there Tuesday thru Friday

        1. Red*

          So many med changes lol. They increased basically everything I was on, and monitored me 24/7 so I didn’t do anything stupid in the meantime.

    2. Thlayli*

      I’m still having ups and downs. Some days I’m grand other days I’m so angry at the world. Today was a good day :)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      A tangent but not quite on topic. I have a question.

      My friend’s grandchild (GC) was checked into a rehab center. GC is 15 years old and swallowed some pills (aspirin and similar). They have also been cutting and recently spoke of suicide.

      The suicide threats and pill swallowing started AFTER they had a birth control inplant. Supposed to last 3 years?
      Anyway the diagnosis is bipolar.

      Not even sure what I am asking. I guess I am worried about that inplant. And my friend is not convinced that they will do that much to help as GC is 15 and strong willed. Does anyone have stories, insights, suggestions for my friend the grandfather. I think any inputs right now would be helpful. GC is back home now. I guess that is good?

      1. A Nickname for AAM*

        A lot of people get depression from hormonal birth control! This is absolutely something to look into.

        She needs to have the implant removed ASAP.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          That is what I was thinking too. And at 15 the body reacts differently than a fully developed adult body, so there is that. Thank you for chiming in here.

      2. Red*

        Hormones can mess with things, as can just plain ol’ being 15. Teenage and young adult years are when most mental illnesses tend to rear their ugly heads for the first time. I’d say to look into a different birth control and see how that changes things, but I wouldn’t be too surprised if she just happens to have bipolar. It sucks, but she can go on to live a pretty good life with it. I have the same diagnosis (plus a couple extra, for good measure) and I’m a college graduate with a good job, a husband, and a generally good life. Yeah, there have been blips, including recently, but that happens to everyone. No life is perfect, but I promise she can have a good, long, happy life ahead of her even if she has bipolar disorder or a crappy birth control method. Proper treatment makes a world of difference and she’s lucky to have people that care about her and will help her get it.

    4. RestlessRenegade*

      I’m doing better today. I got really angry during my last therapy session (daddy issues, how cliche) and I want to apologize when I go in next time, but I also am thinking about trying to find a new person who can help me with body image issues (and who won’t say “let’s look at it from his perspective” when I talk about my emotionally abusive/distant father, yay!)

      I did a lot of hard, self-care type stuff this week that I’m proud of, and I’m trying to really relax after two weeks of overtime at the-thing-we-do-not-speak-of. Yesterday I got some bad financial news related to my ex that made it a rough day, but I’ve given myself permission to not think about it this weekend. I have mixed feelings about Father’s Day obviously but my sister and I are going to see The Incredibles 2 afterward so at least I have something to look forward to!

      I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves. You deserve it!

    5. SparklingStars*

      I’m actually doing really well! I had a great weekend socially – yesterday I went to a pool party at a friend’s house, and today I went hiking with a different friend. I’m going home to visit my parents in 9 days, and I’m looking forward to seeing them again (and having a few days off work also!)

      Also, the carpal tunnel syndrome that I’ve been dealing with in both hands and arms is finally getting better after over a month of pain/numbness/tingling. It took 2 different doctor visits to get diagnosed correctly, but they finally put me on an anti-inflammatory drug that is making a world of difference. Not being in pain all the time definitely helps my mental health!

  71. Aphrodite*

    I am old enough to remember old 60s and 70s television shows I loved: Star Trek, Mary Tyler Moore, The Rockford Files, The Bob Newhart Show and the one I am currently watching thanks to Prime: Mission Impossible.

    I haven’t seen this show since its original airing, but so much comes flooding back to me, especially my fascination with and crush on Martin Landau and to a lesser extent, a girl crush on Barbara Bain. What a wonderful couple they were!

    I was truly sorry when they left the show at the end of season 3–it never really recovered from their loss–due, I now know thanks to Google, to a contract dispute between Landau and the studio. Landau had the most incredibly memorable face! Barbara was simply gorgeous and sophisticated.

    The shows themselves are still very interesting even if the technology-of-the-day amuses me occasionally. One off-beat fact in my life is that when the issue of Playgirl with the centerfold of Peter Lupus came out an older woman (in her 50s or maybe 40s so older to me) bought it for me. I hadn’t expressed interest in the publication but I enjoyed that one. I even kept the poster up in my bathroom for a long time. It brings me such smiles now to think of it.

    It’s been interesting learning about the show and the actors through Google searches and it makes these reruns even more fun to watch.

    1. Anonymosity*

      Martin Landau played Bela Lugosi in Tim Burton’s film Ed Wood, about the campy movie director. If you can stomach watching Johnny Depp play Wood (he’s good but a lot of people don’t want to watch Depp anymore), it’s actually a pretty fun film.

    2. Thumbcat*

      Also “Space 1999” for more Martin Landau and Barbara Bain. Fantastically cheesy plot! Yay!

    3. SparklingStars*

      I LOVE The Mary Tyler Moore Show and The Bob Newhart Show! Bob Newhart is definitely one of my favorite actors of all time – I loved it when he was on The Big Bang Theory!

  72. Anon y mous poster*

    My fiancée’s sister is a hoarder. She makes the individuals on the TV show look like clean freaks. It’s bad. She has been evicted from 3 different apartments in the past due to the hoarding because it was so bad no one could go inside. She bought a house and it was so bad it rotted and the city had to seize and condem it and demolish it and sell h land plot to pay the costs. Nothing in the house was salvageable. There were something like 80 trucks of garbage hauled away. My fiancée wants her sister to stay in our spare bedroom. We rent an apartment now and have a few months left on the lease. We are planning to start house hunting soon. My fiancée swears her sister won’t hoard. I don’t believe it. She won’t allow actual garbage to be thrown out. Before she had her house she multiple storage units with nothing inside but garbage. I told her if she moves her sister in or gives her money/rents a place for her (because sister can’t get a place on her own) I will leave and call off the wedding. My fiancée says I can’t force her to choose. I can’t live with someone who will stop me from throwing out garbage. Am I selfish for not letting her sister move in or helping her rent a different place?

    1. Thlayli*

      I think you are well within your rights to refuse to live with her. But you are way overstepping telling your fiancée that she can’t give any financial help to her own sister.

      1. Anon y mous poster*

        The reason I said that is because it’s not going to be a few dollars here or there. I apologize for not being more clear in my post. She wants to give her over a thousand a month. Basically this is one whole paycheck for my fiancée. I would need to take a second part time job to afford our bills. And we would have to stop saving for a down payment.

        Any money she gives to her sister would be spent on online shopping. 100 percent of it.

        I also don’t want her to rent a place for her sister in her name because her parents did it for once of the apartments she filled and got evicted. Her parents were on the hook for $50,000 in damage. We are going to be partners and with joint finances I don’t want to give money to someone will spend every cent on things from online and then turn around to hit us up for food.

        1. Magrat*

          Sorry, I posted before I saw your update about the financials. You have the right to tell your fiancee no if that’s the kind of strain it would have not only day to day but on your future too. This situation would be a dealbreaker for me, as well. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, deal-breaker for me, too. I absolutely would not allow the sister to move in and if it will put that much strain on the joint finances, I wouldn’t allow the financial help, either. If it was just a couple hundred dollars for a few months, and it wouldn’t strain the budget, that’s a different story. But if it would force you to get a second job? Nope.

          2. Washi*

            Yeah, same here. The only compromise I can think of is that if you have talked about budgeting and how much of your money is “fun” money, your fiancee could maybe give her half of the fun money to her sister.

            But I wouldn’t give that amount of money to my very responsible brother, let alone someone who had proved to turn apartments in to money pits!

        2. The New Wanderer*

          I was saying “No” in my head at the part where your fiancee would be renting the place on behalf of her sister. That’s already proven to fail and cost the official renter (fiancee’s parents) a ton. Then that much money per month? I know you love your fiancee but she’s effectively forcing you to choose having a reasonable income and savings plan vs. you take a second job and delay your own house buying plans to support her sister this way.

          The sister needs actual help, not a new place and funds to build the hoard back up. The only way I’d say your fiancee should help is to pay for treatment (and ONLY for treatment). I’m sorry.

        3. Theodoric of York*

          I guess I have to pile on, and agree with everyone else. You have to do a very hard thing: break up with someone you love. But your choice is to break up now, or to break up later when you have grown to hate her and to hate her sister. Plus there’s the possible financial and mental damage (as others have mentioned).

        4. Thlayli*

          I see where you are coming from but it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing. You could do any or all of the following without fully breaking up. You can explain these to her as logical decisions and it may make her realise that it’s not just the emotional “her or me” decision she’s been thinking.
          1 tell her you will not live with your sister full stop. You have the right to decide who you live with.
          2 tell her you don’t have to break up but you will have to call off the wedding if she rents out an apartment either to live in with her sister or in her sisters name, because based on what happened to her parents she will end up in debt and if your wife is in a massive amount of debt that will affect your finances too.
          3 tell her that joint finances is no longer an option if she is planning on giving 1000 a month to her sister. You will each have separate finances and you will not be taking a second job to pay the bills. Either she pays her half of the bills or you stop living together and go back to dating and living separately. (Honestly I’m not a fan of fully joint finances anyway).

          If you explain these things to her like this she may realise that’s it’s not just a simple choice between you or her sister.

          One thing you might propose is that your fiancee and her parents offer to club together to pay for therapy or treatment for sister. But not to enable her to continue ruining her life.

          1. TL -*

            Leases and bills don’t really work like that – if fiancee doesn’t have the money at the end of the month and the bills or rent doesn’t get paid, it’s not like the OP will be unaffected. They might lose electricity, get evicted, take a hit on their credit.

            It’s ridiculous to pretend that the finances of other people in your household won’t affect you at all. If my roommate can’t pay the bills, I can’t pay the bills. If my partner can’t pay the bills and spends all their going out money on their sibling, then not only am I stuck paying the rest of the bills – assuming I want food to eat and a stove to cook it on – but I’m also stuck with a partner who can’t afford to go out with me. (This is why I am a fan of fully merged finances.)

            The OP has every right to say that she is not comfortable with the fiance’s proposed financial arrangements and to say no to it. The fiance is free to unmerge finances and make their own spending choices – that might entail ending the relationship, sure, but that is the fiance’s decision to make.

        5. TL -*

          I am 100% okay with you saying your fiance can’t financially support her sister and be in a relationship with you. Your fiance’s financial decisions have a major impact on you and your finances, so yes, you do get a say in them. And it’s completely okay to decide that you are not comfortable with an arrangement and say you can’t be part of a relationship that includes giving her sister money. She gets to make her choice from there.

      2. Ellie*

        Do NOT let her move in with you, ever. MiL was a hoarder (and filthy), and the year she was here almost ended our relationship before I evicted her. Never ever ever ever let a hoarder come into your space- ever. Don’t even let a hoarder come over for dinner! Insist on taking them out (your treat).

        Now, the money aspect? That’s your partner’s business- she gets to decide how she spends her money and on what. Let that battle go.

        Kindly and politely stick to, “Well, Kathy’s previous choices show hoarding is a problem for her, and I know sharing space with her will quickly become problematic. I need for our home to be just for us – that’s really important to me.”

        Stick to a version of that script. Do NOT let the sister EVER come stay. I hate the idea of your engagement ending, but if a hoarder moves on with you, your relationship with your partner WILL end, and on worse terms than you two parting ways now.

        1. FaintlyMacabre*

          I hope you are kidding about not letting a hoarder come over for dinner. Yes, hoarding is a difficult issue, but that level of vitriol is just uncalled for.

          1. Nope*

            In this case I disagree. The sister will stop people from throwing out garbage in their own home. I wouldn’t have her over into my space either.

          2. Ellie*

            How do you, personally, know it is uncalled for? You weren’t there for the bags of junk that traveled with her. You weren’t there for the bags of random food she brought with her to leave for ‘next time.’ You weren’t stuck trying to clean up a kitchen with someone saying, “Don’t throw that away- I’ll eat it.” That level of vitriol is exactly what is called for in my situation. It went from me being a sucker for an evening to me being a sucker for a week to me having to pull the carpet she trashed with her filth and throw away furniture that she ruined – I still haven’t been able to restore the bathroom she ruined with a year of filth and hoarding. YOU are more than welcome to let any Tom, Dick or hoarder into YOUR home, but I get to decide who comes into mine, and I’ve made the decision to disinvite people once I see evidence of bodily waste on their clothes or trash cascades onto my driveway from that person’s vehicle.

            1. Temporarily anon*

              FWIW, bringing hoarding activity into another person’s living space is a very, very high level of dysfunction, even on the hoarding spectrum. I don’t blame you for refusing to host someone at that level. But even most hoarders aren’t going to do that, much less people who just have messy cars.

          3. Temperance*

            I mean, my MIL has some characteristics of hoarders, and it’s difficult to invite her over even for a meal or a short visit because she wants to go through our donation boxes and sometimes actual trash, because she thinks we get rid of stuff that’s “still good”. We had mice get into our pantry a few weeks ago, and had to throw out a lot of stuff, including some packaged stuff still in boxes. She wanted to go through the trash bags of mouse-crap covered stuff to get the packaged items that were “still good”. (Nothing was “still good”. It was disgusting and a health hazard.)

            1. Ellie*

              If my MiL hadn’t passed away, I would ask if she’d ended up with YOU? ;) Rodent waste on the food? Pshaw! It’s fine! Just cut that part out! (Seriously. Didn’t matter what was wrong with it – if there was one square inch that could be consumed, she’d do whatever it took to consume it.)

              1. Temperance*

                I sometimes worry that she’s on her way to being that bad, to be totally honest. Last year, we had mice get into our kitchen (old house problems) and they climbed over the toaster, which I accidentally left out. She found out that I threw it away and was so angry because, and I quote, “all you have to do is turn it on to a high setting and it will kill the bacteria”.

      3. Temperance*

        I disagree with you. Anon and his fiancee are sharing a household already. They aren’t merely dating or living apart.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      What a difficult position you’re all in. No, you’re not selfish. Hoarding is not something that can be fixed with hope and promises. Your fiancee and her sister can no more control this than they can control the weather. I’d be worried about the amount of mess her sister could create in a few months. And that her mess wouldn’t be contained in her room and would eventually take over the entire house or apartment. Any vermin attracted by the mess would be a health risk for you all and wouldn’t be content to stay in your apartment but would spread to your neighbors too. You might end up financially responsible for any damages and extermination. If you help her rent a place you’ll also be on the hook for any damages caused by her hoarding. I don’t have any easy answers for you, but you have every right to want to live in a garbage-free home, to not want conflict in your own home over throwing away actual garbage, and to not take on this financial and health risk.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      No, you are not being selfish at all. Has sister had any sort of treatment? If not, that needs to be step 1, otherwise the cycle will continue.

      1. Anonymosity*

        Yes, without treatment, it will never end. Your fiancee is enabling her, OP. She might need some counseling herself–it’s very hard to have a hoarder in the family. I’m sorry.

    4. Not All Who Wander*

      No, you are aware of the harsh reality of hoarding. It is not a behavior they can stop just because they finally had some sort of wake up call…there are frankly very, very few treatments that do anything to control it. It’s horribly sad. (My ex’s stepmother became a hoarder towards the end of her life….it was ugly and not one person in the entire family was willing to acknowledge that there was anything wrong even though there were entire rooms stuffed so full you couldn’t get into them. She died before it got to the demo the house stage, but another year would have done it) Perhaps it would be worth it for your fiancee talking to a therapist or someone at NAMI who specializes in hoarding? But honestly, if your fiancee can’t see the problems with her sister then you, sadly, may have dodged a bullet with still only being engaged and not having joined finances yet.

    5. Magrat*

      No, you are not selfish for not wanting to live with the sister. As far as the money, the sister wont get help if she keeps getting rescued. However, if it’s your fiancee’s own money and it doesn’t affect your finances, then stay out of that bit. If rent would come out of joint monies or you would have to cover more expenses because fiancee isnt fulfilling her side due to paying for sister, then you definitely have the right to speak up about it.

    6. heckofabecca*

      Oh gosh what a rough situation! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this at what should have been a happy time.

      It’s definitely not selfish to set boundaries around your own home—you’re about to be married and suddenly your fiancée wants to toss in a new roommate with a history of persistent hoarding? No way! You absolutely have veto power over who lives in your home. Also, finances can get really sticky around marriages. If fiancée puts her name on a lease, suddenly she’s responsible for any damages her sister incurs—and if you’re married to her, that impacts you even more.

      All that said… who cares if it’s selfish? Being selfless isn’t the end-all be-all, not if you know that it will only lead to resentment and trouble. And it sounds like that’s where you’re at. Don’t give in. All my best to you.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      Hoarding is a mental illness and it doesn’t seem like either the fiancée or sister are addressing that part of the equation. I know it’s not that easy, but unless they’re willing to at least take the first step, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

      I feel like that’s really callous, but by saying what she said, your fiancée seems to have already chosen.

    8. Temperance*

      Yikes. That sounds like a really awful situation, but you’re 100% right here. It seems highly likely that what this woman needs is some serious, inpatient mental health treatment and a social worker to manage her life.

      What your fiance is asking of you is absolutely unreasonable. Have you asked her why she’s insisting that her sister won’t hoard in your house, when she’s destroyed a house (!) and been kicked out of multiple apartments, and still hasn’t stopped?

      I would honestly end the relationship before letting a hoarder destroy my rental record and/or home.

    9. NicoleK*

      Don’t move her in. And you might want to put the wedding on hold if she insists on giving her sister over a thousand dollars a month and it’s not something you can afford.

    10. ladydoc*

      Oh god no you are not selfish. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Your fiancee is delusional if she thinks her sister isn’t going to hoard in your house. Run away.

    11. LilySparrow*

      I’m with you 100 percent on not letting the sister move in. I also think you’re more than justified in refusing to sacrifice your down payment or take on extra work to enable the sister.

      But I think threatening to call off the wedding is not a great move. If your fiancee is willing to do the extra work and pay her sister’s rent with her own earnings, you could still get married and keep separate finances. It’s not an ideal solution, but it is a fair boundary that doesn’t force her into an emotional loyalty test. She will just have to decide how hard *she* wants to work to enable her sister. Which may give her some clarity.

      1. Not All Who Wander*

        No no no no no no

        You clearly have not had a spouse who would NOT draw boundaries with relatives. The fiancee is so far in left field here that continuing to merge finances is an absolutely awful idea. If fiancee rents a place for her sister, when sister trashes, OP is legally responsible for that debt as well. Frankly the odds of her doing this behind OP’s back sound pretty high from the other degree of denial. Anyone who has watched her sister put her parents $50k in debt and then wants to volunteer to do the same thing?! No. Do not legally merge with this person until this is figured out. Cancelling/postponing the wedding while everyone does some therapy with someone who specializes in hoarding sounds like an eminently sensible plant. Sure, if the wedding is scheduled over a year out and there isn’t an issue with deposits, there isn’t a need to cancel it yet.

        Granted I have a dirty lens since my first husband’s father was mentally ill and my soon-to-be-second-ex-husband (yeah, I know how to pick ’em!) developed a serious mental illness a few years in & had several relatives with quite the assortment of mental illnesses, I know how unreasonable people get about ‘seeing’ it in loved ones. I also know the lengths they will go to hide their enabling and just how much that can destroy the rest of the families’ finances. And, worse, I’ve seen how much mental illness seems to crop up in multiple people in one family.

        It is easy, peasy to get married & merge finances. Divorce and separating those assets and debts is both brutal and expensive. There is no reason to not postpone with something this huge going on. This is not going to be the last–or possibly even the hardest—financial decision they will need to make if they get married.

    12. Kuododi*

      Oh…my brain locked up for a moment!!! I have treated a few hoarders back when I was in private practice. I do not pretend to be a specialist. I second, third and thousandth not letting your fiancee move her sister in with y’all. The risk is too much that she will hoard your apartment. As far as finances are concerned… I agree with the others it is more difficult to set boundaries with her regarding money issues. (However not impossible). As far as ultimatums are concerned… don’t use them unless you are prepared to follow through. Otherwise they are as useful as spitting in the wind. Under no circumstances agree to co-sign anything for her. (Recipe for disaster.). As others have SD once the $$$ are combined, telling her she flat out can’t access the money to finance her sister gets complicated. Someone here who works in banking and or finance would be able to give more detailed information on that issue….the only thing I can think of is separating bank accounts. However, if that happens and one of y’all gets injured or incapacitated in some fashion that brings up other complications about accessing needed $$$in a time.of emergency. I would definitely recommend a consultation with a bank specialist to get specific help in that arena.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Food for thought:
      Marriage is a commitment. In this commitment we put our spouse BEFORE all others. Sounds pretty straightforward.

      But it’s complex. In the end, each of you should be protecting each other first and foremost. One of the many ways we put our spouses first is in our financial decisions. We can’t expose our spouses to situations that might lead to financial ruin, if that ruin is preventable. It is reasonable to assume that couples take less financial risks because they have the other partner to consider. Her financial boat sinks so does yours.

      Oddly, in your story here both of you have valid points. You have every right to protect your financial interests.
      She has every right not to be forced to choose. What went wrong here? She did not chose to protect your interests above everyone else. You panicked when you saw she was not putting the two of you first and laid out “Do x or y will happen.” Most people do not do well with ultimatums and she responded in a manner that many people would respond.

      My suggestion is to call off the wedding now. Don’t wait for her decision. Tell her you want to wait another year or so to sort out these things in your relationship. Until the two of you figure out how you both want to handle financial decisions this problem can come up over and over. Put in the time discussing how you both will handle money in the future. You should not have to absorb her high risk decisions and she should be aware that her decisions will impact two people not just her once you guys are married. Conversation is key here.

    14. Saskia*

      You aren’t selfish for not letting your fiancee’s sister move in. You are making an extremely smart choice based on the evidence of her hoarding, which is a mental illness requiring ongoing treatment & management.

      You have the right to refuse to allow anybody to stay in your home, especially someone who struggles with hoarding.

      As far at the financial side is concerned – at the moment you don’t have the right to tell your fiancee what she can do with her money. BUT it’s not a good sign that you feel like you need to issue an ultimatum for your fiancee to take you seriously.

      My advice is to seek some professional counselling with your fiancee, or if she refuses to attend with you, go alone.

      In addition I recommend you don’t sign any leases, or buy a house with your fiancee, until you have sought advice regarding the potential effect on your financial & credit situation if things go badly with your relationship. If you get married & your wife moves her sister in with you, signs a lease for sister, or gives joint money to sister, you need to know what consequences could arise for you too.

      The fact that your fiancee is already wanting to save her hoarding sister is indicative to me of MANY problems lying in wait for you if you get married. Personally, this would be a dealbreaker for me.

      In no way should you join finances with your fiancee until you have addressed this. It’s a massive issue in my opinion.

      I was once married to a person whose family of origin were severely dysfunctional, and in hindsight I wish I’d gone to therapy before getting married to them. It was a disaster in many ways, and the family dynamics contributed immensely to our relationship difficulties (not to mention financial difficulties which affect me 11 years post-divorce).

      What will happen if your fiancee decides to fund her sister’s housing indefinitely? How will you handle the ongoing conflict over this? And what if your fiancee’s sister ‘visits’ and then…just doesn’t leave? Would your relationship thrive in this situation? How would you cope if fiancee constantly chooses to rescue her sister despite your clear wishes?

      Best wishes.

      1. Temperance*

        I actually really disagree with the idea that he can’t tell his fiancee not to give 1/2 of her pay to her sister. They share a household, and he’s going to have to pay more of their joint expenses because she’s giving a significant portion of her income to her hoarder sister.

        1. Enya*

          I agree. And the idea that OP should HAVE TO GET A SECOND JOB to support the hoarder is just… Mind blowing. Don’t let her move in with you, OP. Your fiance can swear til she’s blue in the face that sis won’t hoard in your house, but it means nothing (and it’s rather troubling that your fiance believes that she won’t hoard! What cave has fiance been living in?) I’ve watched every episode of Hoarders and every time someone hoards themselves out of their home and moves in with someone else, they ALWAYS hoard the home they’ve moved into, much to the horror of the person kind enough to let them move in. I agree with those who say to postpone the wedding until this is settled.

        2. Saskia*

          You are right: I posted without seeing where LW wrote more details about the finances & current situation. My mistake, I apologize.

      2. Saskia*

        This is a belated correction to my original post about the financial side of this: LW, you will be seriously affected if fiancee wants to financially support her sister. You can set limits on what happens with your money, you can refuse to seek extra work, and you can change the way your finances are arranged to lessen your risk.

    15. Screenwriter Mom*

      You are absolutely right, although if you love your fiancee, you can postpone the wedding until she gets her head straight. Her sister is deeply mentally ill. Having her move in would be a catastrophe–not even something to consider for a second. Helping her financially is enabling and worsening her mental illness, as well as destroying your own finances.

      As someone with an adult son who is bipolar and tragically mired in substance abuse, I can guarantee you that the most important thing you can do with someone who is mentally ill and self-destructive, is to be clear about their self-destructive illness, and to DRAW YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES. Think of it as helping HER as well. She should NEVER move in with you–her mental illness will take over and destroy your house. Your fiancee should NEVER “rent another place for her”–her mental illness will drain your fiancee’s (and your) finances, as well as destroy her (and your) credit once she is evicted from the place for more hoarding. Your fiancee is unable to see this, and it takes a long time to understand that someone else’s mental illness is beyond your ability to help. Please try to talk to your fiancee, kindly and compassionately:
      1. “I understand you love your sister and want to help her. But supporting her self-destructive behavior isn’t helping her. In fact, the more you enable it, the longer it will be before she can recognize it and seek help herself.”
      2. “If you want to save someone, it doesn’t help you to drown along with them. You’re in a life boat and your sister is attacking it with an ax. You can’t save your sister if your own lifeboat is destroyed.”
      3. “You are allowed to think about your own wellbeing, and to place it ahead of your sister’s” (is she an older sister? It’s particularly hard in that case, especially if she was raised to look out for little sis)
      4. “As your future husband, I ask you also to care about MY wellbeing, and our relationship’s wellbeing. You are allowed to care about me, and about us, as part of your own healthy life.”
      5. “Would you insist on fixing your sister’s broken leg on your own, with your own equipment and money? Or perform brain surgery? This is a deep mental illness, and will need professional help to fix. What you’re basically doing here is building her a set of wheels to wheel around on her leg while the leg gets more and more infected. It doesn’t help. It only prolongs and worsens. Your best and, in fact, only way to help your sister is to urge her, repeatedly, into therapy. There may even be social services help that you can get through your city. You cannot fix this.”
      My suggestion is to understand that your fiancee is in pain, and is unable emotionally to face the truth or to separate herself, and to approach her compassionately. Set very firm boundaries for yourself–including asking her to set firm boundaries for you (financially AND emotionally) as a couple.
      I also suggest some kind of therapy for the two of you. It will help you going forward, and the therapist can help you both in setting boundaries, and in finding ways to help your fiancee’s sister. Good luck.

  73. Triple Anon*

    Last week, I posted about being broke. I’m still broke, but I’ve made progress in turning things around. I’m earning money and I have some prospects for better jobs. Reaching out to people and talking about my situation is working. People are nice.

    Second topic. Anthony Bourdain. I posted something semi-critical of him last week and then thought about that when I heard he had died. It was a reminder to think twice about how to word criticism – to phrase it constructively. Obviously it’s highly unlikely that he read any of the comments here. But I thought about it, standing at the grocery store checkout, buying some bread with coins I found while unpacking and stressed about a bunch of things. I really enjoyed his show and I’m sad that he’s gone.

  74. Flinty*

    So I want to have a sort of “open house come eat cookies thing” in my building for the people who live on my floor (it’s a huge building, my floor alone is ~25 apartments.) I was going to put up a flier near the elevator/stairs, which is in the middle of the floor. I’m 90% sure that one of my neighbors has a serious vision impairment, as he wears dark glasses, uses a cane, and has a service dog. It’s likely he wouldn’t be able to read the poster, but he lives on the other side of the elevator so I’ve never seen what apartment he lives in to knock on his door or something, and there’s no guarantee I’ll happen to run into him any time soon. I was thinking of putting a note on the poster that said “If you know anyone who can’t read this flier for any reason, please let them know about the cookies” but is that weird? Too vague? Too specific? Suggestions on how to include everyone are very welcome!

    1. Reba*

      Could you ask building management if they would be willing to pass your message to him?

    2. Not All Who Wander*

      I don’t have any suggestions, just wanted to say how great I think it is that you are not only doing this but making a point of trying to figure out how to include everyone. Kudos!!!!!

  75. Johnny b good*

    In my hometown a five-year old child destroyed an art sculpture that was being displayed in the lobby of a community center. The family might be on the hook for 170,000+ to pay for the statue. They think it’s the fault of the artist/community center for not putting the sculpture more out of reach/securing it better. I’m admitting bias in that I am childfree and an artist. I think they should have been supervising the child and their talk of it being an accident because kids are kids and they should have child-proofed it better is baloney. My cousin has kids and she is with the family, she says kids breaking things is to be expected. I’m curious as to what people here think. The stature was called ‘Aphrodite di Kansas City’ if anyone is interested in seeing the video.

    1. msroboto*

      If you are going to put an 170K anything on display you better have good insurance. I think that the display should have been kid proof either way. I don’t have kids either so this is not from the perspective of a parent.
      I’m no lawyer but I doubt that anyone is getting any money from the family.

      1. Martine*

        The statue was insured. The insurance company is the ones who are going after the family to pay.

        1. Observer*

          The piece was not insured by the artist and the City’s insurance says that they shouldn’t have to cover it.

          PS it wasn’t $170k, but $132K

    3. Reba*

      Well, the statue ought to have been insured! Both artist and the city hall or wherever it was displayed were responsible for carrying insurance for it, and are negligent. To me that’s the absurd part of the story. It’s some nerve to “bill” the parents.

      I do feel the blame for the accident rests pretty much with them, but I also know that it is impossible to keep a child (or a person period) totally under control at all times.

      1. Martine*

        The statue was insured. The insurance company is going after the parents to recoup, not the artist or the community center. If you can’t control a kid they should not be out in public. I have 3 and I would never let them run wild like this.

        1. Thlayli*

          He wasn’t “running wild”. Sheesh. There’s an internet meme of a little baby hugging a rabbit statue that everyone thinks is adorable. This kid did the exact same thing.

        2. Observer*

          He wasn’t running wild, by any stretch of the imagination.

          What happened is completely on the city. That thing could have easily been knocked over by an adult guest, as well. The city pretty much gives it away – “you have an obligation not to touch”. I mean seriously? You put a sculpture in a place that is not only public, but in which parties and receptions are held, and you depend on the public to NOT TOUCH?!

    4. Martine*

      The sculpture was insured, and the insurance company wants to go after the parents, similar to going after the at fault driver in a car crash. It is not the artist or the city going after the parents so it unfair to blame them for it.

      I have 3 kids under 5. I would be mortified if one of my kids acted like this. The parents should have been watching their kid. This is on them. If they couldn’t control the kid he shouldn’t have been out with them. They have no place to act like the insurance company is bad for coming after them or that they are the victims. They make all parents look bad acting this way. I am willing to bet this isn’t the first time precious has destroyed something.

    5. Temperance*

      Wow. I disagree wholeheartedly with your cousin here. I’m the proud of aunt of a bunch of toddlers, including a 3-year-old boy who is a runner and kind of a wild man. My sister knows this and a.) doesn’t let him run around near breakable shit and b.) is trying to teach him decorum, because she doesn’t want to be the asshole whose child destroyed a beautiful, irreplaceable object.

      1. Observer*

        Sure, parents should teach their kids how to behave. But the reality is that this kid was not being a cannonball when that statue fell. The statue was NOT properly secured. And in fact, the city as much as admitted it when they claimed that the statue should not have been TOUCHED. Seriously!?

    6. Magrat*

      I have three kids. It’s totally the parents fault. You don’t let your 5 year old wander alone that far or for that long, and I get that things happen and kids slip off, but you need to be extra viligent in a place where there are breakables! From what I read, the statue was in a main access hallway, so the parents should have noted it on the way in, imo. I always assume that things are not secure. Its not other peoples responsibility to monitor my kids or make things childproof. It’s mine and their father’s. They’re lucky their kid wasnt injured or killed.

      Also, from what I gather, there is insurance, but they denied the claim due to negligence.

    7. Lcsa99*

      That is absurd. Yes, it should have been insured, but those two children were clearly unsupervised for much too long. I know if I ever climbed anything like that as a child I would have been pulled away immediately.

      I know as hard as a good parent tries you can’t watch your child 24/7 and things happen, but this wasn’t a playground and they shouldn’t have been playing around.

    8. rubyrose*

      I just went and saw the video. An accident might have been if the kid was running past it and brushed it hard enough for it to fall. But calling an intentional hug an accident? No. One of the articles, quoting the mom:
      “Because he didn’t maliciously break that. It fell on him. It was not secure, it was not safe — at all.” It fell on him because he hugged it.

      Those parents were not paying attention and now they don’t want to accept the consequences. I have to wonder when they planned on teaching their children about how to act in other people’s spaces.

      1. Ginger ale for all*

        I agree with you. I saw the video and you can see adults with a direct line if vision to the area where that child was at the bottom left of the video near the end. The kid didn’t go to a place where no adults were present, there were adults there and none said anything when the kid misbehave. The parents should pay the bill.

        1. Yetanotherjennifer*

          According to the article, those adults in the chairs are not the parents. The parents were off-camera when this happened.

      2. Thlayli*

        “Other people’s spaces”

        It’s a community centre. It’s literally a space for the community, including children.

        I have let my kids touch statues and stuff like that in public spaces loads of times – and I’ve done the same myself. As an adult. I would assume that anything out in the open in a kid-friendly space like a community centre is designed to be played with.

        1. Thlayli*

          Although, reading some of the other replies, maybe “community centre” means something different in America. Where I live it’s a place with activities on for kids and adults and teenagers. The only reason I would ever go to a community centre these days would be to go to a toddler playgroup. Never heard of a wedding being in one.

          If community centres are NOT typically kid-friendly spaces in america, then I guess the parents should have been watching a bit closer. But if they aren’t kid-friendly spaces then why are the they called community centres? Aren’t kids considered to be part of the community in America?

          1. TL -*

            I think the assumption is that you will watch your kids and not let them touch everything if it’s not an actual playground or kid-specific zone.

            Most restaurants are kid friendly but that doesn’t mean your kids should be allowed to play with the other customers. Same thing here – it can be a community center and they can still expect the kids to be supervised.

          2. Temperance*

            It’s considered extremely rude in America to touch art installations, unless they’ve been expressly designated for that purpose. I can’t imagine touching a sculpture or letting my kids touch a sculpture unless doing so was specifically encouraged.

            I’m near a city with a wonderful history of public art. It’s important for places like “community centers” to include art installations, IMO, because art should be accessible, but should still be respected.

            1. Observer*

              Except that this was not a typical “art installation.” It was a piece that was in an open space where events such as parties and receptions were held and there was nothing to indicate that this was not secured or fragile.

      3. Observer*

        I agree that someone should probably have been holding the kid’s hand. But a “hug” should NOT have been able to dislodge that thing.

        A hug is not what most people think of as being wild, either.

        And you do NOT put an unsecured sculpture in a place where parties and receptions are held and leave it so unstable that you rely on a “societal obligation to not touch” the statue. That’s insanity.

        Basically, it was totally predictable that the statue could get easily knocked over, which is why the insurance doesn’t want to pay the City.

    9. Parent and Art Lover*

      I think the parents failed to adequately supervise their kids and should accept some responsibility, but who puts such an expensive and delicate piece of art in the lobby of a community center? I’m all for art in public spaces, but a lobby with all sorts of people coming and going is better suited to pictures on the wall and objects in display cases, not delicate, wire-frame sculptures that aren’t even roped-off. Not even an art museum would put something like that in their lobby unprotected.

    10. Lily Evans*

      Had it been an accident, like if the kid had tripped and crashed into it, then I wouldn’t think the parents would be at fault. But after watching the video the kid was clearly unsupervised and purposely reached up and pulled on it. The parents should have been watching him and reminding him not to touch the art. And honestly five years old should be old enough to understand the whole look with your eyes not your hands concept.

    11. HannahS*

      I’d say, don’t put expensive, breakable art in places where you can expect there to be children running around and playing. You know, like a community center. There’s a reason why statues in public parks are not glass mosaics perched on pedestals. If your design for a child-friendly space means that a small child can cause 170 000 dollars of damage by wrapping their arms around an inanimate object, you have not designed a child-friendly space. If your design for a child-friendly space means that a small child can cause a GLASS SCULPTURE to fall on his head by wrapping his arms around an inanimate object, you have designed a space that is unsafe for children. Even art galleries, which are somewhat more adult-centric, wouldn’t put an unsecured statue in their lobby.

      1. Thlayli*

        Are community centres typically places where kids would be in America? They definitely are where I live, that’s one of the purposes of them, but the tone of the other comments makes it seem like it would not be expected to have kids playing in a community centre. I don’t really get what a community centre would be for if kids aren’t welcome though.

        1. Kj*

          Yes,American community centers are typically child friendly spaces. I think public sculpture needs to be very well secured. This piece was not well secured and that is not on the parents of the child. I’m a sculptor in my spare time and I can’t imagine displaying something that was not puttied down or behind glass of it was fragile.

    12. Thlayli*

      Just googled the story. As far as I can see the insurance company is the villain here. They are the ones refusing to pay the artist. The insurance company should immediately pay the artist because that is what they are paid for, and they can sue the child afterwards. This refusing to pay the artist until a child and his family cough up over a hundred thousand is a cheap ploy to try to stiff the artist from what he is owed.

      It’s a public place, there was a wedding on, the mother turned her back for a minute to say goodbye to the brides father and the little kid went over to the statue and gave it a hug, cause it looks like a person, which is frankly adorable. The statue then fell ONTO the child and smashed and scratched his face. The child is very lucky he wasn’t more seriously injured. The community centre is at fault for putting a dangerous top heavy unsecured item like that just out in the lobby where a small child knocked it over onto himself.

      TLDR: insurance company are scum for trying to stiff the artist and not pay out like they are supposed to. Community center are negligent for putting a top-heavy dangerous item out in a public place kids are constantly in without any sort of barrier or anything to stop kids from being injured by it.

      1. Thursday Next*

        From what I can see in the video, I have to agree with you. There’s no sense that the child was left unsupervised for an inappropriately long amount of time. And that sculpture should have been secured to the wall or pedestal, and/or roped off. I believe that’s why the insurance company is claiming negligence? That means it’s the community center/artist who is responsible for its proper installation.

        I’m all for supervising my own kids and teaching them not to touch things, but this seems like an insurance company trying to shirk it’s own responsibility by trying to deflect blame onto a child.

    13. Pat Benetardis*

      Wow I am surprised by the opinions I’m reading here. A five year old child should not be expected to be holding a parent’s hand at all times. I don’t get all of the comments about being unsupervised. Five year olds go to school. It is unfortunate, and was wrong of the child, that’s he hugged the statue. But the ease at which that toppled over was ridiculous. This would be an entirely different discussion in he had gotten hurt.

      In my opinion, the kid should not have hugged the statue. The statue should have been secured. The parents should not be held liable for what I see as relatively normal behavior in a community center by a child. What happened was an accident. The insurance company allowed the unsecured statue to be displayed there and should now be prepared today.

      1. Miss Behavin’*

        Exactly. The community center is lucky the child wasn’t injured. He’s five. It wasn’t a teenager maliciously breaking something. Small children are curious, they like to touch things. An expensive piece of art – any art – shouldn’t be displayed so precariously that a five year-old can pull it down to begin with. If it matters, I am child free and don’t typically let people off the hook for things I believe they should take responsibility for. This is clearly negligence on the part of the community center.

    14. formerly exhausted all the time*

      I live in California, so my first thought is a minor earthquake could have toppled that statue. I think the community center could have done a better job of securing the statue. That said, the kid behaved inappropriately, but it’s on the parents. He was unsupervised for too long. And he should have been taught to not touch stuff that doesn’t belong to him.

      I am sure the statue was insured. And I think it’s mentioned several times above. Insurance is generally for accidents, not fault. The insurance company, of course, is going to try to recover from the parents because they feel the event was their fault.

    15. Opposite side of my usual opinion...*

      Caveat: I actively dislike children of any shape and age (bordering on the H word). I am usually the first person to blame the kids or parents for this kind of stuff, but when I saw that video, I was fully of the belief that the community center was at fault.

      I have worked at several museums in curatorial
      and conservation departments, including the Nelson Atkins. Art is expensive and fragile. Failure to properly install and secure sculpture against overturning is a liability to the gallery. They failed in their duty to secure the art properly. A small child should not be able to overturn a properly secured piece of art. If the child had been hurt or killed, they would be seriously liable. Their insurance is lucky it was only damage to the piece.

      Should the kids have been better supervised? Absolutely. But a heavy sculpture should never have so readily overturned.

      1. Red Sky*

        This. Imagine if the child had been injured, wouldn’t the parents have a pretty good lawsuit against the community center for failing to secure the sculpture in a place where kids are welcome and usually encouraged to be kids. I mean, it’s a Community Center for Pete’s sake, not the Met, why would they even have an easily damaged $170k piece of art up in a child accessible spot in the first place?

    16. Sparkly Lady*

      If it were a statue in the lobby of a corporate building, I would think the family was at fault.

      But a community center is typically expected to be a place where kids run around. That statue was not secured at all! In this particular case, the hug happened when no parent appeared to be supervising, but you can see earlier in the videos that both of the boys also clambered onto the statue while walking through with a man (presumably their father). It took them a hot second to do so. Having a glass statue so unsecured in an area with frequent pass through traffic was a disaster waiting to happen. It’s worse because this was an area with kids and kids climb on things, but that statue was vulnerable to adults stumbling or getting jostled into it, too.

    17. Observer*

      The City and artist are being obnoxious. The sculpture was totally unsecured in a place with lots of public traffic. I don’t mean that it was not placed under lock and key. I mean that it was so insecure that it could easily be knocked over. It was just PLACED there – no anchor, nothing.

      If you look at the video, it’s clear that the kid wasn’t playing Tarzan or something – that thing could have gotten knocked over very easily, and someone could have gotten very badly hurt.

  76. Anonymosity*

    It’s been a week, y’all.

    Elderly neighbor Sam (not his name), the one whose cat I took care of last year when he was in the hospital, seems to be in the early stages of Alzheimer’s or something. He thinks I’m coming in his house and stealing random stuff. The other neighbor Bob (not his name), who knows him from their lodge, told me.

    A while ago, Sam had called me and said someone got in his house and stole his pictures of the cat he used to have. I asked him if he was sure he didn’t just misplace them, and he got mad, yelled at me, and then hung up. So a week or so later, I saw a locksmith truck out front and I figured he was just playing it safe, or the truck was for the rental across the street (nobody was outside either home). Nope. He thinks that I did it.

    For the record, we had keys to each other’s houses in case of emergency, but I have NOT been in there at ALL without being invited in. I took nothing when I was taking care of his kitty or any other time. Yes, I got my key back; he gave it to Bob, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t think to make a copy.

    Bob said he’d called the police on me, but no cop or sheriff’s deputy has spoken to me at all. Bob just wanted to give me a heads-up in case they did decide to talk to me, so I’d know what was going on. He also said that Sam’s called him about stuff missing since the locks have been changed, so there is no way in hell it could be me. Which undoubtedly the cops know; they’re not stupid. I had Sam’s family contact info from when he was in the hospital last year, and I gave it to Bob. He confirmed that Sam had changed the locks, and I gave him Sam’s keyring back in case he got paranoid about that.

    I felt bad about Sam, who is obviously struggling. We’ve been neighbors for fifteen years. But there was nothing I could do–he thinks I’m the enemy, and I can’t help him.

    This was Friday. I thought my part was over.

    Sunday morning, Bob called and told me, “Sam called me and said, ‘I’m going to the store and when I get back, I’m gonna clean my shotgun and go over there and get my stuff back.'”

    I told Bob to hang up and call 911, which we both did. Cops came. They talked to me and to Bob. They said maybe I should go somewhere for a little bit. While I was putting on my shoes and calling my uncle, Sam returned. I split while they were in the house with him.

    Cop called while I was driving and told me they took two weapons out of the house, and that Sam was forbidden to talk to me or come on my property. He said his daughter had been contacted and was coming over, and that it was unlikely he could obtain another weapon on Sunday, with the background check, et.al. My uncle and I went out to brunch a bit later and Cop called again to tell me it should be okay to go home. I’m glad no one was hurt, including Sam.

    The cops called Senior Services and they rang me up on Wednesday. I told them everything. But Sam also tried to call me that morning. I saw his name on the caller ID, and I did not pick up. Instead, I called the PD and added it to the report.

    I’ve been trying to function as normal–watering my plants lke I always do, taking my neighborhood walks, with my phone on me the entire time–but I have not felt completely safe. It’s depressingly easy to get a gun in the US. Plus, there is a gun show next weekend. Gun show sales are considered private sales and don’t require background checks. Only a few states have closed that loophole, and mine is not one of them.

    If Sam were so far gone he wandered out of the house and forgot what planet he’s on, I wouldn’t worry. But he’s able to drive, make phone calls, go to the store and buy stuff, etc. He could still decide I have his shit and he wants it back come hell or high water. I have not been able to meditate all week–at dharma group today, I did, but I couldn’t fully relax. I feel bad for Sam but I’m also furious that I have to deal with this in addition to prolonged unemployment and everything else.

    God, I wish I had the money to move far, far away and never return.

    1. Reba*

      So sorry you’re dealing with this, Anonymosity. Elder paranoia is sad.

      Do you know the daughter? Does she seem appropriately concerned and like someone you could work with?

      1. Anonymosity*

        Nope. I met his son when he was in the hospital last year, but I didn’t really talk to him a lot. They’re kind of estranged–I think Sam had had some problems with alcohol at one point. Don’t know if that’s still a thing. I’ve been trying to think of the last time we spoke. It’s been several months, and he seemed fine.

        I don’t think there’s anything to work with, really. Nobody from the family has contacted me. I never saw the daughter–there was nobody around when I came back on Sunday. It’s been super quiet over there. I know he’s home because the stray cats have been fed, I’ve seen the light on, and of course, the phone call. Of course, it’s also been super hot out, so he may just be holed up due to the heat.

        I haven’t seen or heard anyone visiting–no cars, etc. I have no idea what Senior Services did / plans to do, if anything. The cop said I’m on record as the victim here–I asked Bob to call in because he’s the one who actually talked to Sam, which backed up my call. It may sound kind of bad, but I almost feel that other than the cops, nobody cares about me!

        I really do appreciate Bob warning me. What if he’d come over and I’d opened the door? This is where my mind is going right now.

    2. rubyrose*

      Oh my goodness! What an awful situation you are in. Yes, is the daughter someone you can work with? How far away does she live? Can she convince Sam to move somewhere else, even if the reason she uses is for him to get away from you?

      At the risk of igniting this further, I think I would get an official restraining order. The police telling him not to contact you is not as official as getting it down on paper. The experience I’ve had with some elderly relatives is that it is often the interaction with authority figures (doctors, law enforcement, judges) that brings them in line.

      1. rubyrose*

        I was typing response when you responded to Reba. So my guess that the only way Sam’s family is going to get engaged is if something (like a restraining order) occurs.

        Senior Services – well meaning, and perhaps will be able to help, but it will probably take time (days, weeks?), during which you will continue to feel unsafe. But their goal is to take care of Sam, not you.

        Does your city have any Victim Services?

        1. Anonymosity*

          The county does, but I’m not sure if that would be helpful to me unless it ends up in court. Also there is a non-profit that does work with victims of violent or sex crimes. They advocate for victims in court and provide resources. But he hasn’t done anything except make a vague threat, so I don’t know what they could do. I’m sure the police removed the guns as much for his own protection as for mine.

          I just want to move now. This is the last fricking straw. I want to anyway, but this makes me want to even more. But I can’t. I have no money and nowhere to go except my mum’s house and I do not want to move in with my mum. Like you said, this may have snapped some sense into him, at least for now. Hopefully the universe will get sick of me bugging it and listen to me for a change. >:(

          1. Thlayli*

            Definitely try to move. You are living next to a literal crazy person who has threatened to kill you. That should be reason enough to break a lease and get your deposit back and you have the police report to prove it. If you own the house rent it out.

            You could try calling those groups – senior services, victim support etc. Don’t just assume they won’t be able to help. Have you mentioned the gun show to the cops?maybe they could go check his house after the gun show again?

            its Really scary that someone with Alzheimer’s could just go and buy a gun with no background check like that. He could hurt himself or anyone else.

            Could bob work with you to talk to him?

            1. Anonymosity*

              Welllll I don’t have a lease. I own the house.
              I have no money left and nowhere to go. I’ve been trying to get a job in StL, but no one is responding to me. I’m only three hours away for frick’s sake.

              He is not supposed to contact me, and after that call on Wednesday that I didn’t answer, I have neither seen nor heard him. I’m sure the cops know about the gun show–there are giant billboards all over town. I might call the victim support group. I’m feeling a little freaked out and I could use a little information.

    3. anon24*

      If the situation escalates, possibly you could request Sam be taken for an emergency psych eval. I don’t know how your state works but in mine police can (and do) take people in to a hospital if they are causing issues that seem to stem from mental illness rather than just being criminal. This situation reminds me of when my neighbor with undiagnosed schizophrenia continually called police on my other neighbors, claiming they were coming in the house (no violence on either side). Eventually police took her to the hospital and she was gone for a bit, but she got diagnosed and got medication and everything calmed down.

      1. anon24*

        Forgot to add:

        Stay safe! *Internet hugs* I think about you a lot. Keep hoping things turn around for you soon.

        1. Anonymosity*

          Thank you. *returns hugs* I don’t know if I can request that–the police might have to do it. Or the family. My mum would know; she’s a psychologist.

          1. anon24*

            You could request it from the police if things get worse. I hope he leaves you alone from here on out, but if he starts banging on your door yelling about how you took his stuff you could certainly ask the police to please take him for eval. It would keep you safe for a bit. In my state police can take you for evaluation, or they can decide the situation is bad enough that they can sign the papers for a 72 hour commitment, which would get him the help he needs quickly and give you space to breathe. Good luck!

          2. Thlayli*

            Ask your mum. I’m pretty sure threatening to kill someone meets the criteria for holding someone against their will for evaluation.

            I feel really sorry for the guy, but your safety comes first. One persons rights end where another’s begin and your right to life is more important than his right to buy a gun or refuse treatment for his mental illness.

            1. Anonymosity*

              I was just talking about it to my dad (called him for Pop’s Day) and told him Sam didn’t directly threaten to KILL me. It’s possible he only meant to intimidate me, but if he thinks I stole stuff, of course he’s not going to believe me if I say I didn’t. But yes, if he got me at gunpoint, and I denied it, there’s no telling what he might do. That’s probably why the police took it seriously.

              Again, it’s been super quiet over there. If he does anything I will call 911 immediately.

    4. HannahS*

      I’m so sorry. That sounds SCARY. I’d say, keep your phone in the same room as you in your house, just in case he starts banging on your door and you need to call the police while staying away from windows. What an awful situation.

      1. Anonymosity*

        It pretty much is. I’ve been taking it with me when I go out to water the tomatoes and petunias also. My phone has the Direct Dial shortcut widget (standard with Android) and I’ve added a 911 shortcut to the desktop. I put it on the second screen so I won’t accidentally butt-dial it but I can get to it fast.

    5. Anonymosity*

      Thanks for your concern, y’all. I’m fairly sure nothing will happen. It’s just been stressful and sad. I don’t have any guns of my own (don’t want any) but I’m prepared to defend myself in any way necessary. I just hope Senior Services can do something. You can’t force a person to accept help if they still have some autonomy, and I don’t know what his family will choose to do, or if they’ll do anything.

      Plus I’ve been leery of working in the garage, which is frustrating, because I really need to have a garage sale. I already tossed a binful of crap so I can walk around in there. Now I need to make a little retail area for a sale. And I have a side table with a drawer I’ve had since forever that I need to strip and refinish. I’m keeping it, but I scratched some objectionable symbols on it as a child, before I knew what they were, and I want to sand them off. Also, it has this very ugly baby poo-colored maple finish. Bleah.

      Aaaaand that dental abscess is back again, so I guess tomorrow I need to find out where the poor people dental wagon will be and what humiliation I’ll have to deal with there. :\

      Alamo Drafthouse sent me a free ticket for my birthday and yesterday I booked a seat for Hereditary. So I’ll go see that today and get out of the house. Even if I hate it, I can’t lose–the ticket didn’t cost me anything and they have big squishy pretzels! :)

  77. Loopy*

    Great British Bake Off/ Great British Baking Show fans- I’m sad and impatient for more seasons… and thought I could just *buy* the UK seasons.

    Alas, this is not true. However, are the masterclass episodes as interesting? I liked the competition aspect and varied characters- I liked cheering people on. The master class format seems way more straight forward and less… dynamic? Should I try it out anyway? Kind of desperate here to be honest!!!

    1. Reba*

      They are definitely not as compelling but I did actually learn from them, as a baker….
      The old ones in which Mary Berry and Paul get a bit punchy with each other are fun to watch.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I really enjoyed them on two levels. You get a more in-depth look at techniques, and the interaction between Mary & Paul is fun. They certainly appear to be good friends and joke around with each other more than on the main show.
      It may all be an act, I don’t know. But they have great on screen chemistry that’s charming.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      You might enjoy Bake Off: Professionals. There’s still a competition element but the the bakers are in teams of two, and challenges are astronomical, and the judges do NOT hold back. One of the hosts is Liam, who was on the most recent series of GBBO.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I don’t know, actually. I have a British tv package so I can watch it in Canada. I’m sure it must be somewhere online??

    4. SpellingBee*

      Hey Loopy – I checked on Netflix after we exchanged messages about this earlier and also discovered that there are still only 4 seasons available. However, I found out that PBS is showing an earlier season (BBC season 3) starting this Friday, June 22, that supposedly hasn’t been shown in the US. I looked at the list of bakers participating and didn’t see anyone I recognized, so I think (read “hope”!) that it’s a season I haven’t seen. You can check it out on the PBS website.

      I did watch the Masterclass episodes and enjoyed them, but not as much as the regular competition eioisodes. They’re better than nothing, though, so give them a go.

  78. The Other Dawn*

    Any suggestions for stores, either online or brick-and-mortar, that sell longer shirts for women? I prefer a longer length shirt, like tunic-length, and I’m having a hard time finding things I like.

    I lost a lot of weight and part of the aftermath of that, aside from loose skin, is that I need to be aware of how pants fit…down there. (Sorry if that’s TMI, but that’s sometimes the reality of going from “morbidly obese” to “overweight.”) Anyway, depending on the fit of the pants, I sometimes need to wear a longer shirt. Although I can technically shop at places like The Avenue, Torrid, and Lane Bryant still, I find that their tops just don’t look right on me anymore because they’re cut fuller and at different angles that fall all wrong. Those stores all have longer shirts, but the cut just isn’t good on me. I often find things that fit me in regular stores, but the length isn’t there. It’s getting really frustrating.

    Any recommendations?

    2. RestlessRenegade*

      As a plus-size woman with a very long waist, I would love to see responses to this. I wear a lot of t-shirts, and if I wear men’s shirts, they’re usually long enough. But it would be nice to have something dressier to wear occasionally! I loathe the croptop/short in front and long in the back trend.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        When I was much bigger, I actually loved the high/low tops. They seemed to flatter me. I found them to be long enough in the front, but that’s because those stores cater to plus size women, so they make shirts longer (I miss that!). Now that I’m able to wear a misses size, those shirts aren’t long enough to cover…where I want to cover. I’m a 14/16, and I thought it would be so much easier finding clothes. Nope. I actually find it harder a lot of the time. I can shop either misses or women’s, depending on the cut. I find that the misses sizes don’t fit me well in the upper arms (loose skin!) and are usually too short, but fit well through the torso. Women’s sizes are nice and long and fit well in the arms, but are too big and the cut often doesn’t flatter.

    3. HannahS*

      If you don’t manage to find anything, you might have better luck taking a sewing pattern and some fabric to someone who can make them for you. I know a woman that does wedding dress alterations who does stuff like that on the side. Khaliah Ali and Connie Crawford are two designers for plus sizes with reasonable offerings, I think. If you go that route, just make sure to check the sizing before you buy–my size in patterns in 3-4 larger than in store-bought clothes.

    4. Anna*

      I’d buy for length and room in the hips and get it tailored – there’s a lot that can be done to shape it and shorten to the length you like if you buy longer tunics or shorter dresses to wear as tunics

    5. tangerineRose*

      I like “Just my size” t-shirts because they tend to be long, and they’re usually inexpensive. They seem to last well, too.

    6. Ginger ale for all*

      I think there was an as seen on tv product a few years back that might be something to think about. A company made t shirt like tight tubes to wear under shirts and over pants to give a double shirted layered look. Does anyone else remember these and know what key words to Google to get to the product?

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Oh, I like that idea! I checked out the website and I see it could solve the low-rise jean issue, too. I absolutely despise low-rise, but when I first lost the weight, it seemed to be all I could find. Mid-rise, eh. I’m now finding high-rise again, which I like. I wear a shirt over it anyway.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      I may go the tailoring route if I find something I really, really like, but I’m not sure I’m there yet. To be honest, I haven’t scoured every inch of every store yet. I’ve checked the bigger stores, like Kohl’s and Macy’s, and I also checked Old Navy. I found a couple things at those stores, but I find it’s few and far between. I’ve ventured into a few stores in the mall I’ve never been to, but had no luck at all there. It’s really frustrating to be right on the line of being able to wear misses OR women’s, and I never thought that would be a bad thing!

      1. Kat in VA*

        I’ve had good luck on ebay and Amazon with “tunic length” or “long length” in the description (whether it’s for tees or tank tops or whatever). For more formal looks, the “tunic” terminology works pretty well. Shopping online is kind of a drag, but at least with Amazon Prime, you can generally return/exchange things for free and also read the reviews (sometimes with pictures, and even weights/measurements of the folks buying) to get an idea of what you’re looking at. Congrats on your weight loss, however!

    8. cat socks*

      I would reccomend Lands End, Old Navy, Nordstrom Rack, Nordstrom and Macy’s. My Mom has good luck on Amazon, but I find it a little overwhelming sometimes.

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      Modcloth sells longer tunics, in a range of sizes. They’re pretty cute and there’s a good return policy too.

    10. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I know people here are generally super anti MLM, but I love the tops I’ve gotten from LuLaRoe. There’s a similar company called Piphany that is better quality/lower prices.

    11. Miss Behavin’*

      I’ve had really good luck with Chico’s and J.Jill. Chico’s has some wrinkle resistant button down style tunics I can easily wear to work, and J.Jill has a good selection of button down linen tunics.

    12. Amaryllis*

      Too thin to wear alone, but L.A. Made does extra-long tees and long-sleeved shirts that are a godsend for layering. I buy them from Tee-Zone.

  79. Non-binary humanoid*

    Does anyone else here think “gender reveal” parties are unnecessary and just thrown by attention seeking parents-to-be for a gift grab and/or attention? I find it problematic to assign a gender to a baby before it is even born. But I find throwing a party even worse. It seems like everyone is doing them now and what most people think are cute I find nauseating.

    1. Anonymosity*

      Nah, you’re not alone. I don’t see the point either. Most people get a baby shower thrown for them and have a registry; that should be enough.

    2. Triple Anon*

      Really? Is that a thing? How unfortunate. Is it just me or is society more focused on gender now than in recent years?

      1. Thlayli*

        I think it’s just that This particular branch of society is just more focused on celebrating every teeny tiny thing these days. Maybe it’s related to the whole “everyone gets a prize” thing they grew up with in school or being used to living their lives online / they need constant celebration of every little thing they do.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having as many gatherings as possible before babies throw a wrench into your friend group for a few years.

      1. Anonymosity*

        I can see that, but I feel like in that case, it shouldn’t be a gift grab, just a get-together.

        1. Triple Anon*

          Right. And there’s something kind of Ugh about a gender reveal party. Regardless of your politics, beliefs and ideas about gender, you’re reducing someone to a gender before they’re even born. Reducing them to what they look like and (at least in some cases) the role they’re supposed to play in accordance with that. There must be other things to celebrate.

          1. Thlayli*

            “There must be other things to celebrate” about people than what gender they are. I’m curious, what other things about the baby do you think the parents could use as an excuse to throw a party? Starting from the assumption that they are going to have a party anyway and just need an excuse.

            1. Triple Anon*

              Viewing the ultrasound photos? Name brainstorming? (Everyone makes a list of names or offers in-put on the parents’ ideas.) Decorating the baby’s room or crib? I don’t know. I understand why people would want to celebrate knowing the gender. I hope I didn’t sound too harsh. I’m more annoyed by it as a trend than bothered by people’s individual choices.

          2. Anonymosity*

            Yes yes yes yes yes.

            Why not just make it about the parents? “We’d love to see you all before our lives are completely disrupted by endless screaming, poo explosions, and no sleep!”

    4. Loopy*

      I can see it from both sides. I don’t have kids, but if/when I do, I’m going to be entirely flexible/open about gender. That being said, with my wedding I find myself much more traditional/into it that is really necessary just because I’m so excited and want to celebrate and do all the fun wedding!things. With this experience in my head, I can see these parties as (potentially) just as much of an outlet for baby excitement as an adherence to strict gender roles.

      Do I feel a need to assign my future babies gender before birth? No. Can I swear up and down I will not get caught up in baby!excitement and not give in to something like this? Also no.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Well, I have known parents who were told it was a boy, and it was actually a girl. And vice versa. I only give gender neutral baby gifts. I also know people who had 10-12lb babies, so I don’t give the smallest sizes.

      It’s a fad, hopefully it’ll pass. In the meantime, you get 1 baby present from me, regardless of how many parties you have.

      1. Enough*

        Even if the are “normal” weight babies grow so much that no one should buy anything less then 6 months size and should keep that to a minimum.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m with you on the gift/attention grab. How many parties celebrating yourself do you need? A friend of my partner’s threw a “gender reveal party” not to learn the gender themselves, which is what most people I know do, but to tell everyone else they were having a girl. Newsflash: very few people really care. That particular couple also had something like three baby showers.

      So far, I have managed not to attend a single one of these parties.

      1. Triple Anon*

        I’ve never been invited to something like that, but I have been to an engagement party where guests were supposed to bring gifts as though it was a wedding. Predictably, the couple broke off their engagement later on and never got married.

        1. Thlayli*

          You could ask for your gift back haha! I think it would fall under “breach of promise” laws

          1. Triple Anon*

            Haha! Fortunately(?), I was pretty broke at the time and didn’t give them anything. They were friends of a friend. I was a +1.

    7. Melody Pond*

      I’m with you 100%. Gender reveal parties to me, seem to be a big attention-grab and/or gift-grab. And also, like you said, it’s problematic to assign gender to a baby before it’s born – gender is developed, not something they’re born with. I find the whole idea of gender reveal parties to be pretty gross.

    8. Amy*

      Eh, I don’t have a problem with people doing it. I also did not throw a gender reveal party when I was pregnant because it’s not my cup of tea, personally.

      I don’t see gender reveal parties as a gift grab. Of the people I know who have thrown them there has either been no gift expected, or something small and on-theme. Maybe I’m a glass-half-full type, but I just don’t see very many people plotting ways to make people buy gifts for their children.

      Attention-seeking? A bit, maybe. But honestly, I think people are just really excited about the baby and looking for another excuse to celebrate. I was in that headspace when I was pregnant so I get it. We tried for a long time and underwent IVF to finally get pregnant, so when we did I was really blissed out and excited for pretty much the entire pregnancy. Not that infertility is a pre-requisite for being excited about a pregnancy, but it did heighten the emotions in our case. I don’t think it’s wrong to take the opportunity to get together with people who are happy for you to share the excitement. If you know the baby’s sex before birth you’re going to get asked about it by everyone anyway.

      I think the super-gendered elements (for example, the cakes with “Camo or Curls?” or some variant) are kind of squicky but I don’t think having a reveal party really changes anything for that child, vs. announcing the child’s sex at birth. If you are part of a community that embraces the “Camo or Curls” mentality that’s likely how the child is going to be treated regardless of when or how you announce his or her sex, unless you explicitly head that off at the pass (in which case, you probably wouldn’t have had the party in the first place).

      Finally, yes, gender is a social construct and sex is biological, but a) I think a lot of people use those terms interchangeably, and b) “Sex Reveal Party” sounds like a very different type of event. So I don’t quibble with the semantics in this case.

      If you don’t like the idea of it and/or don’t feel the need to celebrate the pregnancy, don’t go. An invitation is not a summons.

      1. Thlayli*

        HAha, yeah I think telling people you are having a “sex reveal party” would raise a few eyebrows!

    9. Thlayli*

      It seems to be purely an American thing and I would see it as just part of the extravagance and decadence that seems to be celebrated in America. It’s pretty attention-seeky but no more than posting bump photos to Instagram is.

      Finding out the sex of the baby is exciting for parents because it’s one of the only things you know about your child before they are born, so I can see why they want to tell people and get excited about it, but they forget that not everyone is as invested in their kids as they are. I told all my friends and family the sex, but just when I was talking to them, this whole having a big party is just silly.

    10. The Other Dawn*

      I went to one a couple weeks ago–my first one. I was dreading it, because I was thinking about it in the same way: attention grab, frivolous, etc. But it wasn’t that way at all. The invitations specifically said gifts are not necessary or expected, but if someone felt the need, bring diapers or onesies in X size. It was a low-key backyard BBQ and it turned out to be a nice time. The only time there was any attention on the couple was when they popped the balloon to reveal the gender (only their doctor and the balloon maker knew the gender, so total surprise all around).

  80. I'm A Little Teapot*

    I might be too late this weekend, but I could use some suggestions. I have the diet of a toddler thanks to texture problems, little enjoyment of cooking or eating, and disordered eating. You live to eat? I eat to live. It’s not dangerous, but I am having difficultly lately actually eating enough, particularly when I’m hot and tired. I’ve been able to keep my weight stable, but I am down a few pounds, and the line is thin enough that 2-3 pounds make a huge difference.

    So, I could use some ideas of foods. Just throw them at me, and what I can’t use hopefully someone else can!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I could use a few more details before I make suggestions. :) What are you looking for? Bland food? Soft textures? Varied textures? Is there one food that you always enjoy and will eat?

    2. Magrat*

      I’d like to help. What are your parameters? Likes/dislikes in flavor and texture? Any absolute nos?

    3. heckofabecca*

      Texture is a twitch… It’s hard for me too. Sympathies!!! If you’re able to share what you do like, I might be able to suggest some food options.

      A friend of mine uses Soylent as a replacement for at least a meal a day, so a protein supplement like that may be something to look into if you can do beverages somewhat thicker than regular milk. My husband mixed whey protein into his milk when he was getting over his wisdom tooth removal, so there’s another option. Good luck!

    4. Thursday Next*

      Give us an idea of your preferences/constraints, and I might have some ideas.

      Just generally, what I do with my son is “boost” the calories of what he’s already eating. Boxed Mac and cheese? Add extra shredded cheese. Put a bit of cream in his milk. Add extra oil to things (e.g., if you’re making pasta with jarred sauce, mix in some extra olive oil).

      There’s also a powder his nutritionist told me about that’s like 45 calories per tablespoon, that’s good for mixing in things like oatmeal or scrambled eggs.

    5. Amber Rose*

      Roasted veggies and chicken is my default “I hate cooking” recipe. A couple tablespoons of oil, a teaspoon of salt, paprika and garlic (and rosemary if you have it), boneless skinless chicken, assorted bag veggies, toss it all together in a bowl, dump on a cooking sheet and throw in the oven at 425F for 30 minutes.

      Also sandwiches. I eat a lot of hot chicken sandwiches with lettuce and cucumbers. It’s not the healthiest but it’s better than not eating.

    7. HannahS*

      Homemade protein smoothie frozen in a popsicle mold (make in batches, leave in fridge, probably would need to have two per meal). Keep cooked pasta in the fridge along with some jars of whatever sauce you like, to heat up in the microwave. Pretend rice pudding (cold leftover rice, some milk, some cinnamon, optionally sugar–it’s more like oatmeal, but much less appalling in texture). Cottage cheese, on its own or on toast or pasta. Tofu, which can be eaten raw if you don’t feel like cooking it; I bake it but I eat it cold on salads. Chocolate milk, possibly with protein powder mixed in. Breaded chicken, fish, or veggie cutlets that you bake in the oven–make about four days’ worth and leave them in the fridge. Popcorn, buy an airpopper if it’s something you’ll eat regularly. Nut butter or hummus, with bread or vegetables. Buttered toast. Scrambled eggs, buttered toast. Apple slices. Apple slices with Nutella. Cereal with milk. Deli meat. Buy a rotisserie chicken and fill a pita with slices of chicken. Naan or pita pizzas, made in the microwave to be faster. Crackers and cheese.

      I’m an exhausted student, and the most I’ll do during the week is fry an egg. I do meal prep, but I find that having multiple options available is helpful, even if it requires me to be a bit more prepared with my shopping and to stretch the definition of what constitutes a meal or snack, for when I can’t face down another bowl of that thing I made on Sunday. Handful of nuts and dried fruit and a bowl of popcorn for dinner? Yes. Smoothie for lunch? Yes. Cold leftovers from dinner for breakfast? Yes.

    8. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      It depends on which textures you’re okay with, but if smooth, undifferentiated textures are okay there are lots of options. Any kind of soup or pasta sauce run through an immersion blender. Even things like chicken salad with plenty of veggies thrown in can be food processed into a uniform sandwich spread, and you can sub roasted eggplant for some of the mayo without sacrificing creaminess. Or avocado if you want to add some healthy fat. Also, consider ways to cram vegetables where you can handle them if you’re having trouble getting enough micronutrients. Last night I made baked pasta and the tomato sauce was about 1/3 grated zucchini, carrots, and beets.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Things I don’t eat:
      Lasagna (devil food), soft cheeses, potato salad, cole slaw, most things with melted cheese (pizza is fine)
      Most desserts that people think are really good. I eat cool whip instead
      Anything really spicy
      Most pastas, particularly with cream based sauces. There are a few pastas I can manage, so it just depends on context.
      Most soups. Cream based soups are out. I will sometimes eat broth based soups, usually when I’m sick. Stew is ok though.
      If it’s going to be served at a really fancy restaurant and/or considered “gourmet”, I’m probably not going to eat it. If it involves mixing different foods, that gets dicey. Somethings are fine, new ones generally get eaten piece by piece if at all.

      I do eat:
      Meat – chicken, beef, some pork, hot dogs. Some types of sausage.
      Potatoes, rice
      Dairy – I drink a lot of milk (it helps make sure I get enough calories). Hard cheeses
      Fruit juice (also helps with calories), Fruit juice Popsicles
      Grilled cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, cheerios, Chicken pot stickers, pot pies, breads
      I’ve got a list of casseroles that I grew up with and am ok with (Midwestern, meat & potatoes type), but in the summer and it’s hot, I just don’t want them much
      Veggies: green beans, corn, broccoli, some sugar snap peas, raw carrots, some cauliflower

      When it’s hot out is when I have the most trouble, and a lot of the traditional summer foods are on the bad list. Most of the pasta salads are mayo based and while I can do a little bit of mayo, that’s way too much. I do a lot of snacking, with milk/juice, so at least half the time I’m not actually eating a full meal. I have been working on expanding my list of foods (added sour cream last year, there are still restrictions), but it’s a slow process and basically involves trying things multiple times with no pressure.

      So, what do you feed your picky eater kids in the summers?

      1. Pat Benetardis*

        Do you eat hummus? That’s what I feel my picky eater kid in the summer. Also hard boiled eggs and yogurt.
        Cold chicken sandwiches could also work. Or you could,dice it and make your own Aleta salad with oil instead of mayo.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Hummus – it’s not currently on the list. It has the potential to be on the list, but I’ve been scared to try it (never said this stuff was easy!)
          Yogurt and chicken sandwiches I can do!

      2. Not All Who Wander*

        Hmmmm….that is a REALLY different list than I was expecting!

        If it is just the mayo you have trouble with for pasta & potato salad, my family has always made them by just making our own basic vinaigrettes & tossing the warm pasta/potatoes in them. (Even though I’m not a picky eater, I think the mayo-based cold salads are gross too!)

        Do you grill? I love hobo pouches & those might work for you since it sounds like you really don’t like your food mixed. I usually do one pouch of sliced sweet onions, butter, & white wine and one pouch of sliced yellow potatoes, butter, salt/pepper. If you grill up a bunch of meat that either you like cold or reheats well at the same time, you’ve got some food for later in the week.

        Have you tried blending whole fruit to make popsicles instead of just using juice? I was never a fan until I got a big Ninja blender (still can’t *quite* bring myself to splurge on the Vitamix!) and I blend things until there is NO texture left in them for some soups, homemade popsicles, and smoothies. I can even make nuts completely texture free! Crazy machine! (Can you tell I’ve always had cheap, wussy blenders before?)

        If you like stew and potatoes, I wonder if you would like my family’s goulash recipe? (Brown about a pound of cheap stew meat cut into domino-sized pieces in big pot. Add 2 med onions finely chopped, 6 TBSP Hungarian paprika (or any non-smoked paprika you have), 1/4-1/2 tsp dry mustard powder, 2 TBSP brown sugar, 6 TBSP Worcestershire sauce, 1-2 TBSP cider vinegar, 6-8 TBSP ketchup, and enough water to cover all. Stir well, cover, and simmer on low for a couple hours. Salt to taste. No one in my family measures when we cook, but these should be close but you may have to adjust a bit. I usually taste at the one hour mark and do a little doctoring such as more paprika or Worcestershire. When meat is tender, mix a couple tablespoons flour with 1/2 cup of the liquid in separate bowl & add to the main pot (without letting the lumps in) to thicken. Simmer for about 15-20 min to thicken. Serve over mashed potatoes.) It’s a fair amount of cooking, but it reheats well and is better leftover so I have a tendency to make a big batch of it and immediately portion it into lunch containers and freeze.

        I’m a pasta snob…so much of the stuff sold in supermarkets is gummy. I’m not sure what aspects affect whether you do or don’t like a pasta, but I find the Regioni d’Italia pasta from World Market to be my favorite. I like the tagliatelle shape the best but calamarata shape is good too. The only problem with it is that it takes forever to cook (they lie when they say 15 min…mine is usually more like 22 min). In the summer, I sometimes just do butter & good quality shaved parm over mine with fresh cracked pepper or sometimes a little lemon juice.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          That list is incomplete of course, and I have been working for YEARS to get things off the bad list. I will never be an adventurous eater, but when I can add a food to the ok list that helps.

          I have an indoor grill that I use some. I mostly use it for some meats, which then feed me for a while (I make a bunch at once). Hobo pouches look interesting, will investigate further.
          Yes! Pasta is gummy. It makes me gag, which is sad because it’s yummy. :( I’m down to the thin speggitti, maccroni, and the twirly kind. If I slightly undercook it, that helps a lot with the texture problems. I basically never order pasta in restaurants.

          1. Lc-J*

            for pasta – have you tried rice pasta? It seems to stay firmer, even when you over-cook it a bit. Tinkyada is my favourite brand, but there are many others now too. (I started on it because gluten, but wouldn’t go back now even if I could :) )

      3. Magrat*

        I think you have a pretty decent list, actually. Just for clarification, how are you with eggs, any kind of lettuces, mushrooms, and vinegar based dressings? Any seafood, fresh or canned? What about fruit? Not all together though!

        I live on a lot of green salads in the summer. Or cold pasta salads. I’ll also take a pasta salad recipe and convert it to a warm brown rice salad. You can definitely reduce the amount of mayo to your taste or substitue for a vinigrette or just eat it plain or with butter. Thats just for me though. The rest of my people dont consider salad as a meal.

        I’ll batch stir fry a bunch of chicken breasts Ive cubed and use it during the week in various ways, add it to salad, make a skewer kind of thing with a piece of cooked chicken, piece of cheese like cheddar, and whatever raw veg people are in the mood for. Or Ill do rice, the stiry fry chicken, and raw veg.

        We eat a lot of veg raw or blached. A lot of not really meals per say but food grouped on a plate. For example, tonights dinner will be ground turkey meatballs (no sauce), buttered noodles, blanched broccolli and raw red and yellow peppers, all plated in little separate piles. We like uncomplicated stuff!

        Can you do meatballs? Ground beef with ground sausage tends to be a hit here.

        Also, when cooking rice, you can substitute the water for chicken or beef broth for extra flavor (I think it might boost calories, too, but not sure).

        Also, I’ll sometimes top rice or pasta with hard cheese thatd been cubed or shredded. Not a super fan of melty cheese either, so just make sure the pasta or rice is sufficiently cooled before adding.

        Have you tried pierogis? Its a Polish dumpling, kind of like a pot sticker. You can get potato filled ones (they come with all sorts of different fillings, but potato would be a good start). It’s essentially mashed potato in a dough casing a bit thicker than a pot sticker.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Eggs – in things, no issues. By themselves, I can to a point, but have to be careful or they will cause a gag reflex. Basically, not regularly.
          Lettuce – fine. Not a fan of spinach by itself, but in a mixed salad it’s fine.
          Mushrooms – nope.
          Dressings – there are some I like. Italian, and raspberry vinaigrette are my favorites. I should get some salad stuff :)
          Seafood/fish – I’ll do tuna sandwiches sometimes, when I’m in the mood for them. Otherwise, generally not. I’ve been to some of the best fish restaurants in California and gotten steak.
          Fruit – I like some, but in smaller amounts. Too much of something otherwise. So I’ll happily eat a handful of grapes, but then I’m good for a while.
          Pasta salads w/vinaigrette – I like them, but haven’t had luck with the make a big batch and eat it over time. Something happens to the pasta in the fridge. I get the Suddenly Salad box mix, make half of it and it’s 90% of a meal.
          Meatballs – yep, they’re good. Usually I’ll just make patty type shapes, and then eat with either egg noodles or mashed potatoes, depending on if I can make the noodles fresh right then.
          rice – I’ve done that. Depends on why I’m making it if I do water or something else.
          Pierogis – I’m part polish, I’ve got the family recipe. And… never tried it. Pot stickers are a fairly recent addition, that might cross over to pierogi. Or might not.

        2. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Agh! I’ve typed up a long response and it got eaten. Trying again.

          eggs – in things, sure. As an egg dish, usually no. Once in a while I can do scrambled eggs.
          Lettuce, dressings – yep, I’ve got options. Salad is ok, however I have problems adding a lot of things to my salad. So it ends up needing to be a side dish because I can’t dump everything on top.
          Mushrooms – Nope. Some of the casseroles use cream of mushroom, but that’s the most I can manage.
          Seafood/fish – I’ll do tuna sandwiches sometimes, but that’s about it. I’ve had a decent amount of different types and can eat it if I have to, but it’s not something I’m going to choose.
          Fruit – small quantities, otherwise I think it’s too sweet? Not actually sure. If I buy fruit, I’ll be throwing out a decent amount. And it’s not all types of course, that would be too easy /s.
          Meatballs are good. I usually do patty type, and can eat with either egg noodles (freshly cooked only, can’t reheat) or mashed potatoes.
          Pierois – I’m part Polish, and have the family receipe. Have never been able to eat them, but that was before I added pot stickers. That tolerance may cross over, I haven’t tried.

      4. Thursday Next*

        I don’t feed my kids differently based on the season—they’re gonna eat what they’re gonna eat, and they don’t care what the calendar says. ;-)

        You have a pretty decent list, and I’ll echo my advice above for calorie boosting. Put some extra cheese in the grilled cheese, and use butter (If you’re not worried about the fat; if so, olive oil). How are you with other kinds of sandwiches? I try to keep a couple of different cheeses, one deli meat, peanut butter, almond butter, and jams on hand for quick meals the kids can assemble themselves. And yogurt and fruit—if they don’t like what I’ve made, they have the option for yogurt/fruit/sandwiches.

        Try to find some creamy dips you would like, for raw vegetables. Hummus is good, too.

        What are your feelings on sushi, raw or cooked? It’s great for summer!

        Try to add some healthy fats to your chicken, for instance (olive oil is your friend).

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          I don’t care about the calendar either, but when I’m dealing with heat stress on top of the usual food issues, some of the rules change. It’s frustrating.

          I don’t eat raw fish. I’ve had sushi multiple times, but it’s not something I’m going to choose. It’s always been other people choosing. I did figure out that sushi places generally have chicken/beef terriacki, which is good.

      5. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        A good no-cook option for summers might be cold wraps, if you’re okay with tortillas. Wrap some shredded chicken (store bought rotisserie is tasty), grated carrots (and maybe broccoli/cauliflower stems), shredded cheese, and drizzle with whatever dressing you like. If you like white or black beans or chickpeas, or raw shredded cabbage, those make it a bit more filling too.
        For more reliably good pasta you may want to shop at an Asian market. They have packs of udon that you can just rinse and add to whatever sauce. Hot or cold. They’re a little different than typical western pasta. You may also like orzo, which is also good hot or cold.

        1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

          And what about nuts and seeds? They’re high in protein, fat, and calories. Could be a great snack if you like any of them, especially with a little dried fruit. If you generally like crispy things it might be worth trying some dehydrated vegetables, too. It changes the texture of everything so even people who despise okra, for example, sometimes find it enjoyable. If you found a few favorites you could up your calorie and nutrient intake without having to think about planning full meals.

    10. Gilmore67*

      Yup.. I get what you are saying. I eat to live person too. I like my certain foods, but overall I am not into food like most people.

      When I eat out, where most people can’t decide what to eat because they like so many items, I am like…. ugh… what is the least amount food I can’t get, what can I then take home for left overs.

      I also am a texture person as well and have never been a big meat eater at all. Chicken is iffy as well. Also, some stuff just doesn’t like me. So I get it.

      I basically just stay to foods I like, don’t venture out too much of other foods. I try to play a little more with what I like change up a flavor a little more…. sharp cheddar in my eggs as opposed to mild. That type of thing.

      Weight wise I am in peri-menopuase plus a thyroid issues ( I am in my mid 50’s) so it is really hard to loose weight. I am by no means heavy but can absolutely loose some weight but it is hard.

      I probably didn’t help you at all but I just wanted to say I GET IT !! You are not alone.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        thanks! Most people really don’t understand what it’s like to just not CARE about food, it’s just too foreign to them. Whereas I don’t understand why they’re so obsessed with food! I had to learn how to remember to eat absent a defined schedule, and have been able to maintain a stable weight for about 12 years now. My college friends will probably never understand how important what they did was, but they accidentally trained me to eat regularly. Before then I was all over the place, usually underweight. Luckily I don’t have metabolism issues at least.

        I found that most restaurants have chicken ceaser salad, and that’s on the ok list. So for me, that’s a good fallback (dressing on the side!). You can leave the chicken off too or eat around it.

        I venture slowly. I’ll find something I like, but have a problem with a piece of it, so I work on that piece. Then something related or with similar components gets added to mostly ok list, so I work on whatever the problem is. It’s a very organic process, and it’s made ordering at restaurants much easier. But it’s really slow. I have to get to like the taste, then eat a tiny amount for the flavor despite the texture, then slowly get over the texture. It took 6 years for me to start eating sour cream.

        1. Fish girl*

          You honestly sound a lot like me when I was younger, with the whole “eat to live”. I never enjoyed food or the process of eating. I struggled with lots of textures. I rarely felt hunger, but frequently felt queasy and gagged easily (especially in the morning). I remember when I met my future husband and he mentioned he loved to cook and I was like “Damn, well, I hate eating.” Chicken caesar salad was my go-to restaurant food as well and I remember being traumatized when I mixed that up with chicken salad! The horror when it came out all mushy and mayo’y. I ardently wished there was a pill I could take for each meal, instead of eating.

          But I don’t have any real advice, because it just…went away. Sometime around 20, I finally figured out that my queasiness was due to hunger and that eating (even if I didn’t want to) to stay ahead of the queasiness was my best bet. And then somewhere between 22-25, I started actually liking food, trying new foods and new restaurants, and my hunger was normal (I felt it at normal times and it felt like real hunger and not nausea). I don’t know what the exact cause was, but I have some theories:

          -metabolism or hormone changes fixing those weird hunger cues (Food-related issues often got worse around my periods and during crazy hormone fluctuation periods like 12-14 and when I was pregnant.)
          -marrying a great cook (never knew chicken could taste good and non-rubbery until my husband!)
          -being able to try new foods on my own without the pressure of my parents “forcing” me to (sounds like this is something you’re working on too)
          -getting over the idea of food being “wasted”, so I can feel free to try to new food and throw it away if I don’t like it (a phrase that I repeat to myself is “I’m a grown-up. I’m allowed to stop eating food that I don’t like. I won’t let myself, my companions, or the waiter guilt me about food I didn’t like)

          If it’s helpful, here were some of my go-to’s when I was at that stage:
          -add sunflower seeds and sliced almonds to everything (rice, salads, on bagels with butter or cream cheese, or just munch on) for extra protein
          -meal-replacement shakes. There’s a new brand I love called Svelte, that’s very tasty, but low on sugar and high on protein
          -peanut butter
          -single-serving cheddar cheese (great for throwing in a lunch bag)
          -hummus and avocados (both are more recent additions after/during the food issues getting better. But they are a great source of healthy fats and protein, so whenever you are in the mood to check out a new food, they might be good choices)

    11. PX*

      Your list of foods you can/cant eat is interesting. Part of me really wants to have an in-depth discussion on it, but thats not what you asked for.

      So, thoughts. Mayo based salads are indeed disgusting, luckily I come from a part of the world where those are not the norm! So try using literally any kind of alternative dressing and feel free to go crazy in a pasta or potato. Your basic olive oil, acid (lemon juice, vinegar etc), honey (optional), mustard (optional), salt and pepper will start you off there, and you can add in things as you like. As far as salad bases go, have you tried things like quinoa or couscous or bulgur? I also like rice salads, but typically with non-white rice (so brown rice, wild rice, red rice etc)

      How are you with tomato based sauces for pasta? One of my favourite quick and dirty ones to make is fry chorizo, add onions, let saute for a bit, add tomatoes (fresh will cook quicker, tinned are fine though) and then salt to taste, fresh pepper, pinch of sugar and splash of vinegar (or red wine if you’re feeling fancy). Serve over pasta and job done.

      Roasted veggies (all the ones you mention would be good plus more) are also great to throw into salads or as a side. Any kind of bell pepper is good, zuchinni, aubergine (might be tricky as it seems like soft squishy things are the texture you dont like), lettuce, mushrooms. Basically I just go with whatever is on offer/cheap/in season.

      How do you like to flavour your food? You mention not liking really spicy, but there is a whole spectrum of flavour things you can investigate. Garlic, herbs, mild spices.

      How about omelettes? I always forget about them but are an excellent way for quick meals. Yoghurt/granola is a staple snack in my house. Nuts and dried fruit (or fresh if you can eat it).

      And also, sandwiches. I feel like as long as you have decent bread, sandwiches can be a legit form of lunch/dinner filled with whatever you like.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        My list of foods is a result of a combo of physical and psychological issues, and that’s aside from things I just don’t like the taste of (which is a different category in my mind). I don’t eat soup because it got associated with being sick in my head. Which sucks, because liquid foods are sometimes a lot easier for me. And there are some foods that are sometimes in, sometimes out, depending on weather, stress (I lose my appetite), or whatever else. Also, while I’m working on the issues, it’s slow. If I push too fast, it backfires. What I can eat as a guest in someone’s house is much more flexible, but I can end up backsliding pretty badly at home for a while. Overall, there’s contradictions all over the place – some things that shouldn’t be fine but are, and vice versa. I probably should do therapy or something but am just not there yet. Maybe someday.

        Rice and related – I like rice, but am terrible at cooking it. I have a rice cooker. :) I’ve had various types just fine, but I keep gravitating back to white rice at home. A lot of the time I’m eating rice with something else, so other flavors may not mix right for me. Which doesn’t seem like a lot, but it can really matter for me.

        I’ve recently started experimenting with roasted potatoes (those are good). Not ready mentally to expand the roasted category yet, so if I try right now it’ll fail and make it harder later.

        Fresh fruit is good (in moderation). Dried fruit is not (texture, some taste). Omelettes – eggs in general are problematic. I can eat some scrambled eggs. Aside from texture, I don’t like the taste that much. I like smooth yogurt, but not greek (texture). Granola by itself is ok, but not with yogurt (texture). Nuts are fine.

    12. Earthwalker*

      If you whip cottage cheese until smooth in a food processor and add a little vanilla and maybe some sweetener (honey, sugar, syrup), you get a consistency and flavor similar to whipped cream but with a lot of protein. It’s good alone or on fruit. You can whip milk and some cottage cheese in a blender and add fruit or juice and maybe cocoa or vanilla for a protein smoothie. Peanut butter can go in it too. This goes down well when it’s hot. I make it the night before when I have to leave so early that I won’t want breakfast but if I skip breakfast I know I’ll be sorry.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Yeah, I think smoothies could be a great summertime go-to. Frozen fruit works really well for smoothies. And you can adjust the consistency by adding more or less liquid of your choice (juice, water, milk).

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Thanks to you lovely internet people, I’ve got some ideas of new things to try that are adjacent to already ok foods, and have put some other things I know are ok on the list of food rotations. Got meatballs and mashed potatoes for dinner tonight, and then 2 more meals. :)

  81. LadyKelvin*

    Anyone here a crocheter? I am working on a sweater and bought more yarn than the instructions said I would need just in case, because I am using a bigger gauge than they call for. So I’ve adjusted the number of stitches and rows that I would need and I’m about halfway through the first step, which is a big rectangle, and I’ve already used all the yarn I bought. Like it called for ~1500 yds total and I’ve already used ~1800 yards and I’m maybe 1/4 of the way done. If it continues this sweater is going to cost ~$100 which is absurd for a sweater. Anyone know what is going on? Should I keep going or just give up and use the yarn for something else?

    1. Someone else*

      Hm. There’s a lot of math in here and sort of two possibilities how things went awry. Either:
      Your gauge change is significant enough that really…you can’t use the pattern/instructions you’d intended to and get anything close to the intended result.
      or
      The pattern/instructions you were using were off to begin with, and now it’s even more off, and you would’ve had a problem either way.

      It’s really hard to say which. If you don’t want to spend more money on yarn for this one item, then I’d say yeah, unravel it and use the yarn to make something else.

    2. HannahS*

      Something doesn’t seem right. If you’re working at a bigger gauge, you should need less yarn, not more, so I’m wondering if your calculations were in the wrong direction. Remember, if you work at a larger gauge, you need fewer stitches and fewer rows to cover the same area, because each stitch is bigger. The major red flag, though, is that you’ve used 1800 yds and are only a quarter of the way through. That doesn’t make sense to me. You’d need 7200 yds to make a sweater! Even the kind of sweater that’s a big, drapey rectangle with sleeves should still be closer to your original yardage estimate. If you don’t have someone who can take a look at it for you and tell you what went wrong, I’d say rescue the yarn for something else, because you’re unlikely to get a usable sweater.

    3. LadyKelvin*

      Thanks guys. That’s what I was afraid would be the answer. I’m going to try using a larger sized hook which should make my gauge even bigger but is recommended for my yarn weight and see what happens before I buy more yarn/give up.

      1. Sarah*

        Are you using a UK pattern but doing a US treble stitch/vice versa? My friend ended up with a VERY heavy blanket this way.

  82. Mindy*

    I’ve never posted here before and I wasn’t sure if this should be in the Friday work thread or this one, so please excuse me if this is in the wrong place. I just wanted to say how much I love this site and how much all of the advice has helped me. I really enjoyed your new book Alison, I got it for my birthday and read it right. I know you don’t know me but thanks so much for everything.

      1. Marie B.*

        +1. I just finished reading your book and I loved it. Your tips on navigating everything work related have helped me and so many others. Thank you Alison.

  83. Credit where credit is duped*

    Today out of an abundance of caution (long story), I contacted one of the three US credit agencies to place a preliminary fraud alert. What worries me now is that in a few days, I’m taking a trip (domestic, actually just a different part of my home state) and will be using my credit card in places that probably won’t be normal for me. Will placing the fraud alert mean I should be prepared for my credit card charges to be denied? Thanks…I hope I haven’t set myself up for too much of a pain in the behind.

    1. LPUK*

      If you can, phone the card company and let them know you will be in a different city and for which dates – that should eliminate the risk of them picking up unusual spending patterns as fraudulent

      1. tangerineRose*

        Some credit cards have a site where you can log in and enter info to tell them when you’ll be traveling and where.

      2. Sarah G*

        I believe BRR is correct, but regardless you should call your credit card company to let them know you which countries you will be traveling through and when. Include countries where you have layovers as you may want to purchase something btwn flights. The one company I’ve found who won’t place travel alerts on your account is Chase. But also make sure you have a back-up credit card and cash just in case, especially if you are going to someplace other than Europe and North America. Also, this is a separate suggestion, and you may already know this, but beware foreign transaction fees that can be as high as 5%. Capital One and some other cards don’t charge foreign transaction fees.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      As LPUK says, call first. Tell them where you’re going and when. They should put a note on your account so your card isn’t flagged. I have a fraud alert on my card too, and I find as long as I call first, I don’t have any problems.

    3. BRR*

      I believe fraud alerts through a credit agency are for opening new lines of credit, not useage of a credit card. As others mentioned alert the credit card company. Mine does it online now. Maybe take out a little extra cash.

    4. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I always get an automated call to my mobile when my credit card company are concerned about fraud. Make sure your phone is on you and charged.

    5. Lady Jay*

      Identity theft victim here: My guess is that the fraud alert itself will not be a problem for you. Basically, what a fraud alert does is notify agencies which check your credit that the credit may have been compromised; it’s supposed to prompt them to perform secondary checks, to confirm your identity. For instance, if you were starting utilities at a new address or purchasing a car, they may ask you to come in person with your documentation, to prove that you are you. Because you’re not going to have your credit report run while you’re traveling, the fraud alert should not be an issue.

      That said, sometimes credit card companies *do* see cards being used in new places as a red flag, so it wouldn’t hurt to give your credit card company/bank a heads-up that you’re traveling.

    6. formerly exhausted all the time*

      Unfortunately, I place fraud alerts all the time. As long as you used a cell phone number when you placed your alert and have that cell phone on you, you should be fine. The merchant will actually call the number you provided to verify the activity.

  84. Amber Rose*

    Hey guys. How do you regain lost trust, and stop being afraid?

    My husband did something kind of cruel and trust breaking. But, and you’ll have to take my word for it, he had a good reason for why it happened. So I’m not angry and I forgive him. But I still don’t trust him and I’m still hurting. Regardless of logic it was a devastating thing and the sad/hurt/fear of facing it again is still there. He was and is suffering also and I don’t really think there’s anything he can do particularly. It feels like a me problem.

    He didn’t cheat on me. If it was that, there’s so much advice online. I don’t wanna be super detailed, but he had a moment and said something that hit me where it hurts most (at a time when I was most vulnerable) and left me to stew in extreme self negativity for a while before telling me what was up.

    1. Temperance*

      I’m not a huge fan of the pressure to “forgive” so early. Whatever he said or did must have been terrible to make you feel this way. Has he honestly, truly apologized? Is he regretful, or did he give you a fauxpology, where it’s somehow on you that you were hurt by his words?

      1. Amber Rose*

        Nah, once I pointed it out to him he was a wreck about it. He’s being a bit careful around me too now.

        It was bad, but he was in a bad place at the time, bad enough that he didn’t pick up on how I took it all. I didn’t know, and now that I do I understand, but my self esteem is fragile and easily cracked, and not so easy to rebuild. :(

        1. neverjaunty*

          Please don’t fall into the trap of letting him (even unconsciously) deflect your feelings about his behavior into your feeling sad and understanding for him because he’s a wreck. Feeling awful is how we should feel when we’ve been complete toolboxes to other people.

        2. Temperance*

          I obviously don’t know you IRL, or your husband, but I do spend a lot of times in support groups for family members of people with mental health issues. Many of the people in these groups will be on the receiving end of an outburst or hurtful comment from the ill person, and sometimes, the ill person will perpetuate the idea that the other person is too sensitive and/or their illness put them in a mood rather than take responsibility.

          It honestly doesn’t matter to me that he was in a “bad place” when he verbally attacked you so much that his words hurt you, because his action were still hurtful.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Cry in each others’ arms?
      Seriously.

      What would you guys do if say, heaven forbid, you were in an accident together? You’re both hurting but for different reasons. Sometimes hugging each other is the start for healing and re-connection.

    4. A social worker*

      Ugh, I’m sorry you’re going through this, that’s a hard place to be. I think a good therapist would definitely be able to help you work through this both individually and as a couple. Do either of you have an EAP at work? EAPs typically offer 3-6 free sessions with a therapist. And insurance often covers therapy too.
      Other than that, I think one key thing to remember is that forgiveness is really for and about *you*, not him. And you say you forgive him, but the next step in that process is to let go and move forward. Have you ever heard of “radical acceptance”? It might be a helpful concept to look up. This thing happened, and you were hurt, and it sounds like he has done what he can to express remorse and show his regrets and concern over what he said. The consequence is that your trust is him is somehow broken and needs to be rebuilt.
      Ask yourself how your trust is broken (as in how, specifically, do you not trust him?) and what it will take to rebuild it. Time passing? Maybe somehow reconnecting with him by having some couples time, like a weekend away? Is there something you need to hear from him that he hasn’t said?
      Lastly, I recommend reading The Four Agreements. It was life-changing for me.

    5. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I think it will take time and a lot of kindness on his part.

      You can’t just decide to trust him again. He needs to earn it back again. And it possible, although I hope for your sake that this is not true, that he’s actually broken your trust too badly.

      I was originally going to say relationship counselling. But actually I think counselling just for you might be more helpful right now. You’ve been hurt. You need someone who’s 100% for you right now.

      I hope it works out. Good luck.

    6. Thlayli*

      It sounds like he said something that accidentally hurt your feelings rather than intentionally hurting them. If that’s the case then that’s not cruel at all – cruelty is intentionally hurting someone.

      I agree it sounds like you could benefit from therapy.

  85. RestlessRenegade*

    I’m probably a little late for this weekend’s thread, but does anyone have any recommendations for biodegradable bags for kitty waste? Specifically, I’m in a second-floor apartment, and I’ve read that it’s not good to flush cat poop (due to potential parasites), so I have to bag my kitten’s presents and take them downstairs, which I don’t mind doing, but it means that at least once a day I’m throwing a plastic bag into the trash and I’d really like to use something less wasteful. There are some biodegradable bags on Amazon, but I’m wondering if anyone has first-hand experience before I go buying a year’s worth of bags that might not work for my situation? Thanks!

    1. KR*

      I get biodegradable dog waste bags from Marshalls and they work well and hold up well. I’ve found Marshalls has the best price.

    2. Natalie*

      For whatever it’s worth, biodegradable plastic bags are more greenwashing than anything else. They require oxygen and sunlight to actually break down, neither of which is available in a landfill, and if you’re garbage is incinerated there’s no real ecological benefit to a biodegradable bag.

      In general, with plastic waste, the only significantly impactful thing we can do as consumers is reduce the amount we use in the first place. Could you get a little lidded trash can to scoop the litter into and then empty that once a week or something?

      It’s also okay to just accept that you’re going to have this impact. I pick up our dog’s poop in individual plastic bags. He only goes in our yard so I could theoretically scoop it a different way, but realistically I wouldn’t do it very often and it’s also bad for the environment to leave dog poop around to run off into the water table. So I’ve made peace with it.

    3. Max Kitty*

      We try to use bags that we’ve emptied and would be throwing away anyway, like from chips, cereal, cat food, etc.

      1. Rebecca*

        I was just going to suggest this – plus if I forget my reusable bags at the grocery store, I use those as well. I found that an oatmeal canister works well, too.

      2. formerly exhausted all the time*

        We do that, too, and even use lightly-used napkins or paper towels that we would throw away.

    4. Not All Who Wander*

      Have you looked into Litter Locker (or any of the comparable brands)? I don’t use them anymore, but was quite impressed when I had it!

    5. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Something that breaks-down under ideal laboratory conditions won’t necessarily break down in your local landfill. I agree with the others that squeezing one more use out of a plastic bag you were going to throw out anyway is better. Once you broaden your definition, you’ll find plenty of bags or even plastic wrap you can use. Note: I’ve never had cats so I don’t know what’s required for safe poop handling.

    6. Courageous cat*

      To add to what everyone’s saying, I’ve had cats on my own for 10 years now and I have always just kept the plastic bags I use from the grocery store. Granted, I don’t scoop the litter box every single day, but it’s always worked just fine and eases my conscience since they’ve done double duty at that point.

    7. RestlessRenegade*

      Thanks everyone for the great ideas! I had a bad feeling that something marketed as “biodegradable” wouldn’t really be so under landfill circumstances, so it’s good to be realistic about that. I definitely have plastic produce bags I can repurpose for this and might look into a small can I can use. Thank you for the responses, all!

  86. Nervous Accountant*

    I don’t know why my feelings are so complicated. I have so many mean and awful thoughts that I wonder if God will ever forgive me for them.

    I read and hear things that other mothers do and I’m horrified and think “ok she doesnt do any of that”….funny how that doesn’t work the other way around……

    And the funny thing is, Monday comes around, and I’m much more calm and I feel guilty for being so snappy.

    I mentioned last week that I reached out to friends and no one responded. One finally responded on Monday and I let out whatever I was holding in. Just a lot of “well this is super common in women of (our) culture/generation, she needs a hobby etc.” I don’t blame them for it, none of them are going through what I went through, nor do I think they had the same issues with their mothers as I did growing up so they don’t get why things are like this.

    Respect for parents is a huge part of my culture & religion. I am trying so hard to be patient but it feels useless b/c at the end of the day I just feel like she will never ever be happy with how I am. Which I know there’s nothing I can do about that, but it sucks sometimes. Im sick of having weekends to cater to her and then have no energy to go out.

    I’m sick of seeing happy families on social media, wondering why I can’t be like that.. and no one invites me to anything. I’m sick of not having my dad around anymore and constantly rewinding back to that moment.

    Yet I feel guilty b/c I still get to go out, go back to my normal life, and still have little bits of joy in my day. She doesn’t.

    Anyway, not looking for advice as much as just venting (fairly) anonymously. I know when I look back I’m going to laugh at how seriously I took these things but they feel so intense in the moment.

    1. Enough*

      Do remember that what you see on social media is only one very small moment in those people’s life’s. They have their troubles and secrets like all the rest of us.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I know. I always remind myself of that. But these are people I’ve known for years, met their families, and while I know perfection doesn’t exist, there’s a general lightheartedness and love I see that I don’t feel in my own life.

    2. tangerineRose*

      I wish you and your mom didn’t have to live in the same house. She sounds tough to deal with and like someone you need some time away from.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I really feel for you. I feel the dread and anxiety of your daily life. I know that you said that you are not looking for advice but this is what helped me in a similar situation.
        Respect.
        Practice respectful language.
        Practice counting to ten after she speaks. Do not react in the moment.
        Whatever your mother says. Say, I hear what you are saying and repeat back what she says even if it is a negative statement. If it is a hurtful statement. Say that out loud. Then walk away.
        Remove yourself from the situation. “I cannot be with you right now. I am upset. I need some time to pray and meditate”
        Prayer. When you are upset or angry at your mother due to her words or actions. Pray for her good health. Pray for serenity for her. Pray for willingness to care for her. Pray for positive interactions.
        Give yourself respite on the weekends. Mine was going to the gym for two hours or meeting a friend for coffee.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I hope you make a plan for what you will do here.
      The last time I felt like this I ended up in the ER.
      Peers can be a super failure at helping us with parent problems. Look for people who have actually had to deal with long term parent problems and talk to them. Peers can’t give us what they don’t know themselves.

      I grew up where honoring one’s parents was talked about a lot. But actions did not always match the talk. I think society has changed a lot and it’s one of the good changes that I can point to.

      Here’s a few thoughts:
      Just because parents are old/sick/whatever does not give them free license to be abusive and to chew up most of our time and resources.
      Just because “culture” demands we basically sell our souls for our parents does not mean we have to.
      Living in society is a privilege, not a right. We have to earn that privilege over and over until our dying day. This means we have to control our behaviors and control our words. It’s not optional.
      Last, we cannot help people who do not want to be helped. Your mother sounds like she does not want to be helped.

      You may not laugh in the future. In some ways I hope you don’t laugh because your mother’s story is hugely tragic for many reasons. Following the things you say about her, I have to believe that this story will shape you and shape the rest of your life. Not all of it in good ways. So, no, I would not expect this to ever be funny.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I really don’t have a plan, just trying to take it day by day. She’ll be staying with my brother for a few weeks and then coming back here. My husband will be back then too (he’s travelling), I’m a little worried how the dynamics will be but I’m optimistic. I know it’s unfair of me to expect them to comfort when they don’t know firsthand….or they do and just don’t say anything, idk.

        She had a tough life. Her world was always small, just us and when we grew up just my dad. She doesn’t have many friends that she keeps in touch with.

        How this shapes my future, idk. I see what I DONT want to happen to me. Lifestyle, health, and personality most of all. Also, if I ever get the chance, how not to be a parent (but that’s a whole other topic).

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Here’s a fist-bump of solidarity from someone with a similar mom. A hug too if you want one. Just because your mom isn’t a monster doesn’t mean she isn’t hurtful or hard to live with. In some ways it’s even harder because you have to somehow reconcile the nice parts with the cruel parts. I hope you’re able to find a friend to share what’s really going on. Maybe we should start a pen pal club. But know that this can be difficult for both of you. There is no hardship olympics and you pain is not erased by hers. I don’t think you’ll ever look back on this time and laugh, but I do think you’ll look back with compassion for the struggle you’re having. And just because your thoughts are awful doesn’t mean your heart is. I think if you find a way to share what you’re going through you’ll be able view yourself and your mother with compassion (which also doesn’t erase how she treats you) and your thoughts will be kinder.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        “Its not the Olympics” YES THANK YOU. I always forget this! and in fact I say this to others—pain is not a competition. I was feeling super blue last night when I wrote it but then talked to someone I know and surprisingly she could identify. We exchanged “war stories” and it actually felt good to talk to someone who got it and we could laugh over it. There are others outside of my close friend circle who made more of an effort to reach out, so I will be more receptive to it.

    5. Nervous Accountant*

      This place is such a godsend I swear. You all are great, and I know this isn’t a stand in for therapy but I do read each and every thing. I used to post on other platforms and I got a worse response so I stopped.

      Sometimes I feel like I’m being unfair. W/ each incident its like “oh I shouldn’t have flipped out”. It’s little incident/exchange after exchange but it all adds up? and then I remember….there was a there was a huge reason why I wanted to get married and leave my parents (long story but at the time, marriage was literally the only way I could become “independent”).

      I hate the feeling of hating weekends. After busy season I hardly feel like I’ve had a good relaxing weekend. After going out in the day I am just so mentally exhausted that I can’t bring myself to do anything. I still manage to go once in a while, here or there…honestly the only “fun” thing I do on weekends is go to Target and spend 1-2 hours there. Sad I know.

      YES DREAD……It’s like if she comes in the kitchen where I sit with my laptop, I immediately tense up and have to count to 10 to respond or not. Even if it’s something normal she’s saying, I’m just finding myself irritated at every single thing she says/does. I know this is not normal to feel this way. She’ll be going to stay with my brother for a few weeks. He’s very different from me and doesnt tolerate crap, so let’s see how it goes.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        aaaaand we just had yet another fight. I swear we scream more than talk to each other.

        And ironically it was why don’t I like to spend time with her? Why are other daughters and mothers so close and friendly yet I’m like this?
        She’s complaining about how I come home so late, I spend weekends out all the time, I give her no time, I don’t do anything for her and whenever I do it’s with so much attitude.

        So she kept asking why dont I talk to her about stuff and I tried to give her an example about the insulin and she insists that she never said it…..when she did so many times since we’ve come back. So she walked away, still ranting and was in the other room still screaming a lot of nasty hurtful things but I didn’t run after her or fight back as I normally would have.

        I tried to not say anything. I kept doing what I was doing. I can say wiht a clear conscience I haven’t done anything wrong.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          This is not normal behavior that is why you are having so much difficulty with her. Most people would find this difficult/frustrating.

  87. Ashley*

    This is the non-work thread, but you’re welcome to post this on a work open thread (every Friday) or email it to me directly. – Alison

  88. Marie B.*

    Last week my local news/talk radio station had a guest on their general afternoon roundtable who was described as an “entrepreneur” and “business owner”. She is a rep for the pyramid scheme doTerra. On her social media and online she makes all these outlandish and nonsensical claims about how essential oils can heal people and cure medical aliments. I am so disappointed because I pretty much have my radio on 24/7 and this is the only station I listen to. I have emailed the head of the station and the program director to let them know how doTerra scams people out of money, has had lawsuits filed against them and makes claims proven false by science and research. Is there anything else I can do to get the point across? I really like this station but can’t listen if they allow people like this to make claims on the air. This is a serious news station, it wasn’t an infomercial with a disclaimer but a roundtable where the news and issues of the day are discussed. I couldn’t believe it when she was announced as a guest and the things she said. I have never done anything like this and I am not sure if/what else I can do.

    1. Ginger ale for all*

      Write in and let them know your opinion. You can also see if you can find their social media accounts and see if anyone else had sounded off yet.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        Definitely post to their social media accounts! It may force a response from them, but even if it doesn’t someone might see it and have second thoughts about buying into the scam.

    2. Notthemomma*

      Resend the email to the person in charge of advertising at the station and point out that them supporting the MLM schemes will lessen their advertising message.

    1. CurrentlyLooking*

      The Libby book reader from Overdrive
      You connect to your local library – which hopefully uses Overdrive- and you can check out books and audiobooks for free
      I love reading on the mini as it is light/easy to hold plus it is easy to take places

      Apps from your favorite streaming service or TV networks are good also

  90. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Spent Weds in bed due to food poisoning…O.o

    Subsisted Fri-Sat on pb toast, rice porridge, and a swig of coconut water.

    Any ideas for getting a healing stomach used to food (*not* the brat diet)? I’ve gotten rice, but looking to reintroduce food back gently.

    Did anyone get on probiotics/similar? Did it help?

  92. nep*

    Would appreciate anyone’s thoughts on this–especially people in the medical field.
    Do you think a physician (or nurse/assistant) would mention a patient’s foul breath? (I was in for routine check-up and just introduction to new PCP.)
    I have chronic bad breath. I don’t know exactly what the cause is; I’ve got a dentist I see regularly and I get my cleanings. I was about to ask the doctor during the appointment and then just didn’t. Do you think if a physician notices really bad breath he/she would say something? If you’re a nurse or physician and this came up, what would you do? (Some medical conditions can cause bad breath so I would think it would at least merit a mention/question.) A couple other things during the appointment indicated to me that it was noticed, but neither said a word.
    (I plan to talk with my dentist about it again next time as I continue to work on tackling this problem, but I’m curious what you all think of the above scenario.)

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Mine would. She’s really good at the whole “so I’ve noticed you are dealing with ________.”

    2. UtOh!*

      Well, bad breath can just be a temporary side effect of not recently brushing after eating, so they may not mention it (especially if you are a new patient), unless you specifically bring it up as a symptom you have been having. Why didn’t you bring it up during the exam, especially if you noticed them noticing it?

      1. nep*

        Good point, yes. I was about to and that stupid awkwardness stopped me–even in this setting, which should be a perfect setting to ask about it. But there’s that feeling ‘and meanwhile, as I’m asking you about my horrid breath, I’m really sorry I’m filling your nostrils and exam room with this horrid breath.’ Ugh. Part of me also wanted to know whether they’d initiate anything about it so–combination of those two–I clammed up. Next time I’m getting any kind of exam or check-up (not by this doctor though–didn’t like her), I’ll say something. It’s certainly something to be discussed openly with both physician and dentist.
        Thanks

      2. nep*

        P.S. This goes along with your point–and a sure sign she was noticing it…she asked, ‘What have you had to eat today?’

    3. White Lady*

      I don’t think they’d bring it up unless you asked or unless it seemed relevant to your current health concerns. It can be indicative of certain conditions, but mostly it’s due to poor dental hygiene or simply to recent consumption of certain foods. Medical staff usually don’t have time to investigate every possible symptom they might notice. If it’s a concern, and if your dentist doesn’t know what’s causing it, you should definitely raise it at your best appointment.

      1. nep*

        Good points. I think particularly since I was a new patient–they can’t know it’s a pattern. I later regretted not bringing it up, but not going to dwell in that…
        (I’ve become so accustomed to being severely weighed down by this breath problem…Part of me is just ‘Well, it’s just the cross I bear.’ Problem is, it becomes a terrible burden to bear for anyone I come in contact with, not just me–that’s the awful part.)
        Thanks, all.

    4. nep*

      (Thanks for feedback, all. It is so obvious now–glad I put this out there. I just wasn’t thinking straight–of course as it was my very first visit with them, they’re not going to bring this up. (In effect the doctor did, by asking me what I’d had to eat that day.) In any case, this back and forth helped me realise something obvious; I hadn’t thought it through enough.)

      1. Belle di Vedremo*

        Two thoughts: first, she may have been checking for food insecurity; second, some of us respond to specific foods in unusual ways, sometimes including bad breath. You might experiment with this, and you might prefer not to. My experience is it takes days for the bad breath to clear – but seconds for it to return if I consume the culprit. It’s not an allergy, or even a “sensitivity,” but it is a fact, for me. And a bummer, as the culprit for me is milk which also takes out soft cheese, yogurt, pudding and (sob) ice cream. Hard cheese is usually ok. I could just about live on dairy products alone, were it not for this.

        Ok, make that three thoughts: eating fresh parsley can neutralize a lot of breath issues for a time. I make liberal use of this when the siren song of ice cream breaches my defenses in the summer.

  93. LadyKelvin*

    So we’ve been trying to get pregnant for about 6 months now, and this morning I got a positive test! I just went and bought my husband a father’s day card to tell him. I’m at the same time terrified and excited. At least now we can actually start making plans and not saying “well, if I’m pregnant then we can’t do this”.

  94. C Average*

    Dropping in to say hey. I often lurk, but haven’t posted here in a while. I used to be a regular. I remember a lot of you; maybe some of you remember me.

    Life is really good. I got out of a bad marriage last year and spent a bunch of time on a therapist’s couch and perusing self-help books, trying to make sense of it all.

    I got a new job. More money, better benefits, viable career path, good company, nice colleagues.

    I have a fantastic new-ish (5 months) boyfriend. I met him on Tinder. He is hot, smart, kind, adventurous, etc. So far, the only snag is that our cats hate each other. (We don’t live together, but we did a weekend cat play date and it did not go well.)

    I’m making decent progress on the revision of my novel, and also designing and making clothes for myself and a few friends. My creative side is pretty happy right now.

    I’ve gotten really into yoga and also , strange but true, psychedelic drugs (mushrooms, LSD, ayahuasca, and iboga). I’ve come to really believe in their power to help heal trauma and expand consciousness and enhance creativity. Michael Pollan actually recently came out with a book about psychedelics, and it was fascinating to read his take on the subject; it actually aligns a lot with my experiences.

    In short, after a pretty long rough patch, life is really, really good. If you’re in a rough patch and reading this, please take this as a message from the other side: it gets better.

    2. Magrat*

      Great to see you back around! Congrats on your progress and all the good things you have going on.

    3. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Nice to hear from you although I’ve changed names a few times since you were a regular!

      Thank you for the message of hope.

    4. Rogue*

      Good to hear from you and glad to hear you’re doing well. Thank you for the message from the other side. It’s something I needed to hear today. Definitely agree with you on the psychedelics.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I love that you are now messaging from the other side! You deserve to have a rich, full life, lady.

      I have a mushroom question for you. I heard of a mushroom that causes a person to become very spiritual. Key part, even after they quit using the mushroom they remain spiritual for the rest of their lives. Is this true and do you know which mushroom that would be?

      1. C Average*

        I don’t know if that mushroom specifically, but I can say anecdotally that my experiences have affected my spirituality in ways that feel deep and permanent, and others have described similar experiences. These substances are quite powerful in their ability to, for lack of a better description, defrag the human brain, which leaves behind a kind of clarity I haven’t been able to achieve through any other means (meditation, therapy, more traditional religious practices, etc.).

    9. Anon for this because diplomacy*

      Yes, I remember you. I’m glad that your life has gotten better and that you’ve found peace and a measure of insight. It’s always good to hear about someone who has emerged from the Dark Forest of Hard Times.

      Not trying to preach, just to share my side of the conversation: psychedelic drugs terrify me. You do you, but please be careful! (Neither experience nor expertise here–this is purely my phobias talking plus my Inner Overbearing Parent trying to make Everything Safe for Everybody. It’s well intentioned but I’m going to shut up now.)

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Oops. Forgot to resume my usual disguise. (Smiles and waves from cyberspace.)

  95. Belle di Vedremo*

    Hey there!
    You’re pretty memorable, it’s nice to hear from you and all the more so to hear that things are continuing to improve. Please drop by more often.

  96. Trixie*

    Microblading, have you tried it? For semi-permanent tattoo eyebrows over 12-24 months. May be future gift for my mom, whose brows are practically non-existent and would be a strong candidate for optimal results. (Versus someone who needs minimal filling in with pencil.)

  97. Middle School Teacher*

    This is silly but I got so much done today (weeding, mowing, cleaning, laundry) that I’m sitting in the yard with my book and a snack and it feels amazing. I’m wishing everyone else a restful Sunday too :)

    2. Free Meerkats*

      I hear you! Yesterday was all yard work and errands. Today was mostly relaxing, but I did do some electrical fabrication on an accessory for my Worldcon costume. The lights work, now I just have to wait for the battery pack that seems to be on a slow boat from China (literally.)

  98. nep*

    PSA–Because I just did a stupid thing and it reminded me of the potential for danger when mixing common household products. The spray bottle for a bleach solution I’ve got in the bathroom stopped working so I went to pour the bit of solution I had left into an empty Windex bottle. Except Windex container wasn’t completely empty, AND I noticed as I was pouring that it was the formula with ammonia. Yeah–don’t mix those two.
    Poured it down the toilet and flushed and made sure all traces of it gone. Opened bathroom window.
    Just a reminder to be careful. (There are a lot of articles online about common household products that should never be mixed.)

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      AAAAH! The old Bleach + ammonia !!!
      I mean (she says, while trying to stifle the Chorus of Inner Phobics) thanks for the warning. Glad you’re okay.

      1. nep*

        Ha. Thanks. I reckon concentrations aren’t high enough in my bleach solution and Windex (?), but, yeah, not good.

Comments are closed.