weekend free-for-all – August 11-12, 2018

by Alison Green on August 11, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Book of Essie, by Meghan MacLean Weir. The teenage daughter of an evangelical preacher whose family has a hit reality show (and a mom scarier than Kris Jenner) gets pregnant and has to figure out how to take back her life from her family.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,272 comments }

{ 1,272 comments… read them below }

  1. Where’s busy bee?*

    How long would you give someone to provide you with a reference for a grad school application? I have an app due August 31 and not sure if I should even bother, given that today is the 11th! Is 2 weeks enough time?

    1. Loopy*

      Depends on the person/your relationship with them. I had someone ask me after another acquaintance flaked. I had only a week but I was so in this person’s corner, so supportive and eager for her, that I was willing to sit down and put quite a few hours into it right away. It took me a few days to craft what I thought was a well written letter. I also had the time, but even if it had been a squeeze I would have made it work for this person.

    2. Lady Jay*

      My gut reaction says that two weeks is *not* enough time, especially given that August is a busy time as school winds up. Generally a month or two (or three) is better.

      That said, you could ask for a recommendation if 1) you are really close with the person; you’ve got .a good enough relationship that they can freely tell you yes or no depending on their schedule, and/or 2) if they’ve recently had to fill out other letters of recommendation for you. If they’ve written one, the template is there, and it takes less time to tweak one than write one from scratch.

        1. blackcat*

          +1
          Email today, be apologetic, and acknowledge it’s not reasonable. Odds are high they will do it for you.

          I have been the letter writer in such circumstances (not for grad school, but other things). 2/3 times I found the time and got it done. The third time the kid just sent a request through a system without talking to me! And I was super busy so I sent a note saying “I can’t do this, find someone else.”

          1. Cat Herder*

            Be aware that if you’re asking a professor they may not be on campus or looking at their email.

            1. blackcat*

              Most (though not all) will turn on a vacation responder. And I really don’t know any faculty who go totally off the grid in August. June or July? Yes. But August they’re mostly around.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I agree. It’s not ideal, but it’s hardly impossible. Be apologetic and don’t be too crushed if they can’t do it. If you don’t ask, your chance is zero.

    4. Tuxedo Cat*

      A month as a minimum, an absolute minimum.

      The only exception might be if you’ve asked this person for a reference in the past and they just have to do some updating. However, given that it’s August and the school year is starting, it might be a stretch if the person is faculty.

    6. Dr J*

      Professor here. Send the request, indicating that you are mindful that the deadline is close. Help your faculty member out by attaching your resume, cover letter, etc. and in the email highlight why you are asking them (the classes you took with them, things you accomplished with them, etc.). Basically you should make it very easy for them to pull out several key talking points from the email you send. Two weeks is tight, especially at the start of the semester, but it’s within the realm of possibility.

      1. Rock Prof*

        As another professor, I second all of this! Make it as easy as possible for them. For most students who I had good experiences with, I would be say yes to writing this letter with only a two week timeline (I might grumble about it a bit, though, and would probably respond that two weeks is a short turnover, but I’ll do it this one time.)

        1. Where’s busy bee?*

          Hi everyone, thanks so much for your replies. I have decided to wait until the next application window so that I can spend more time doing a quality job on my application and can give my references plenty of time as well. The person in question is actually now the dean of the university so yea… probably needs a lot more than two weeks, but their reference will hopefully carry a lot of weight if/when I do get it in the future. Thanks again!

  2. A.N. O'Nyme*

    I got the idea from a thread a few days ago: what gendered comments have you received about your hobby?
    For example: as a gamer I het lots of “ermahgerd girls play video games?!?!?!” And another commenter (General Ginger, I believe) noted that upon coming out as a trans man one of these comments he received was “OH, so that’s why you played video games all along”.
    So, let us hear the crazier comments you got for having a hobby usually associated with another gender. Or even just about your hobby in general.

    1. AnecdataIsSpice*

      We’re a white upper mid-class family . My brother didn’t play sports outside school in elementary but played the violin. Multiple times the dialogues with parents (often dads, but also moms) of random classmates went like this:
      ‘what do you do after school’
      ‘I play the violin’
      ‘right, but what sports do you do?’
      Lil bro ‘well, I have a trampoline at home’.
      ‘huh, you’re kind of skinny, you should try sports’
      ‘I like comic books’.
      I’m so glad he was thick skinned…

      Personally, I was chatting with a random suited up guy in his fifties on a plane, who talked about his vet brother, and he was like “wow, it s nice to see a young lady know about veterans” and I answered “yeah, I write fanfiction, it got me to do research PTSD”. He was silent for like 5min with this weird look on his face, must have decided I was still worth talking to, and then we started chatting again.

      I’m also a girl who plays tabletop RPGs and video games, but I’m an engineer, so I guess people figure it fits or something. Got a lot of “so you’re the man in the relationship” (exclusively said by guys) back when fiancé was studying history and philosophy, but that seems to have stopped as we hit our mid-twenties.

      1. only acting normal*

        He took 5mins to process your innocent comment!?
        I wonder what stalled him: fanfic (does he think it’s all 50-shades?), writing, or a “young lady” doing PTSD research? :-D

        1. Thlayli*

          Quite possibly it reminded him of his brothers struggles with ptsd and he had to process the emotion before continuing.

        2. Meliza*

          I know SO MANY people who think that all fanfic = erotica, so I’d bet that’s what his first thought was. I don’t personally get into fan fiction (reading or writing), but I recently had a long, annoying conversation with my dad who just Did Not Get that it wasn’t all “weird sex stuff”.

    2. Jemima Bond*

      When I played rugby (I’m female) occasionally people would ask, “ha ha do you all get in the bath together afterwards ha ha?”
      “Yes”
      (At least at one club we did. That multi-person bath was amazing!)

      Not gendered but I notice when I talk about craft-based hobbies (I sew and make bead jewellery and a few other bits) I get many comments that are oddly defensive – “oh I couldn’t possibly do that, I can’t even sew on a button lol”. Now afaiac nobody expects you to! It seems odd to me – if someone says they like birdwatching or jigsaw puzzles, people don’t immediately start claiming they can’t tell a pigeon from a magpie or get blurred vision looking at plywood. I mean, I make clothes/quilts/necklaces/fascinators because i like the process and the product, not because I think it is inherently virtuous (it is very rarely cheaper than buying ready made) or because I think it makes me a better person. So then I worry that people do think I mean the latter and am arrogant/fishing for compliments so I fall into “oh it’s a very simple pattern” or “quilts are so east it’s just straight lines” and the whole thing descends into a downward spiral of self-deprecating Britishness…

      1. Rosemary7391*

        Yes! I get this as well – I never expect people to sew or bake or whatever, in fact if they ask nicely I might even whip a tear or unpicked seam through the machine for them, but they’re so strange about it! Even with cake – yeah it’s decorated all fancy but it’s just cake. Just eat the cake! Nothing else required :P

        I wonder if it’s about producing something tangible/useful?

        Relatedly – I love hats and fascinators but nowhere near enough places to wear them… how do you manage that?

        1. Jemima Bond*

          I haven’t made many fascinators but at age forty I’ve been to a few weddings over the last ten years so I’ve been able to justify some! One I made for a competition (which I won *blush*) and then wore to the evening do of a wedding the following year. The following year my competition entry was cruelly ignored as regards prizes but still looked great at a summer wedding; I made my dress to match! My advice would be, grab any excuse to wear elaborate headgear if you can even just barely get away with it, and ignore the fact that you don’t strictly speaking need to… Never knowingly underdressed, that’s me!
          Re more normal hats you’d be surprised what you can wear on a normal day – in winter I often sport a purple felt slightly cloche-shaped hat with a dipped brim on one side and yes it’s a bit fancy for going round the shops on a Saturday but I tell you what, I get compliments from strangers every single time.

      2. Kuododi*

        I’ve actually been a beaded jewelry maker myself until the Carpal Tunnel got to be too much. Hopefully in the next couple of months after the last surgery….I’ll be able to pick back up with that minor addiction!
        I have a couple of dear friends who are supremely gifted on a sewing machine. I’ve actually made that very comment about ” not being able to sew on a button.”. (guess I am not as original as I thought I was). ;) I’ve always felt nothing but affection and extreme respect for my friends who are able to make such beautiful creations come out of the sewing machine. Never stopped to think about why I was reluctant to learn myself. Probably goes back to a bunch of childhood power struggles with Mom who never understood why I wanted to spend hours a day with my nose in a book. Best wishes!!!

      3. Mother of Cats*

        This happens to me, too! I knit and make jewelry, and find myself downplaying the work I put into the things I wear when I get compliments on them. I’ve definitely made the “it’s a very simple pattern” remark, and I often segue into encouraging people to learn if they’re interested because it’s really fun and not hard at all. Like, “you like this? thanks! it’s wasn’t nearly as hard to make as it looks, you could make one, too! just sign up for this class / read this online tutorial / watch this YouTube video. really, nothing I do is any harder than watching YouTube videos, anyone can do that.” Yeesh.

        1. Red Reader*

          I don’t downplay my own work exactly, but when people look at my knitting – my favorite projects are lace and cables, both of which seem to intimidate people – and go “Oh, I could never do that!” I do have a speech semi-prepared about how it’s just string and no matter what, I have opposable thumbs and scissors, so I will win.

        2. A.N. O'Nyme*

          I know a guy who knits. He usually gets those questions too – after the “oh the lady made you a neat sweater” comments.

          1. Anonymosity*

            I also have a male friend who knits awesome geeky things, like little TARDIS baby sweaters, etc. He cooks really well, too (he’s originally from Mexico City so we’re talking real authentic Mexican food, *droooool*). You ought to see the yield he gets from his garden. And his hair is longer than mine!

            I like him as a friend so I don’t want to date him (he has a girlfriend anyway), but I wish I could do all the things he does as well as he does them!

        3. Life is good*

          Oh my goodness! I do this, too. I like to do the physical construction work on our outdated house – I’m a nearly 60 woman. I was so proud of our fireplace when I redid it with scraps of lumber from other projects and stone I cut myself with a saw. When showing before and after pics, though, I would say stuff like “Oh, I didn’t do anything special, just watched a lot of YouTube and looked at Pinterest.” As if a man could have done it without any tutorials. I won’t do THAT anymore.

      4. Jules the 3rd*

        From the other side: A coworker just made a delicious cake for a work potluck. I complimented her on it, and the rest of the interchange went:
        CW: ‘thanks, I printed the recipe if you want it.’
        Jules: ‘oh, thanks, I saw it and that is nice, but I don’t cook.’
        CW: ‘It’s really simple’
        Jules: Awkward pause because I’ve seen Mr. Jules cook and I do NOT think that whipping cream into a solid mass is simple and I’d rather do four loads of laundry than sit around waiting for the whipping cream to whip…. ‘Yeah, thanks again!’

        I’ve had a lot of exchanges where the hobbyist (including me!) says something that they don’t intend to be pressure to join, but that clearly is felt to be pressure to join.

        That said, I’ve shown Little Jules how to sew on a button, I think everyone should be able to do that.

      5. Lissa*

        I think the defensive comments come when it’s something like sewing or cooking that people think they *should* be able to do – in those cases it’s because sewing used to be something all women were supposed to do.

        I also get these types of comments when it comes to my physical hobbies (indoor rock climbing and yoga). People will launch into a litany of how they totally *would* do those things but they *can’t* because reasons and I’m like…Ok? But yeah, nobody’s ever like that about my tabletop gaming or other geeky hobbies.

        1. Junior Dev*

          Me: I biked to work today
          Person: oh, I’ve been meaning to bike, but my bike needs to be fixed, and I live so far away from work, and … (entire life story)

          It’s like…cool? I don’t exercise so I can shame others for not doing it. It’s totally ok not to bike to work if it doesn’t fit your life.

          1. Ron McDon*

            Yes, I am a vegetarian and I get that all the time when I decline to eat something because I’m veggie: ‘oh, I hardly eat any meat, only once or twice a week’. I’m like …. Ok? I’m not the meat police, it doesn’t bother me if other people like eating meat! Weird…. Although, I have met my share of fanatical vegetarians who feel it is their duty to convert all meat eaters into vegetarians, so maybe people are just used to having to justify their eating habits to vegetarians? I don’t know.

            3. pcake*

              OMG – I’ve been getting that “I hardly eat any meat” thing for decades *lol*

              My out of town buddies – guys who know I never meat shame anyone – meat shame themselves when they’re here. We go to restaurants and stores and they eat no meat for their entire visit *LOLOL* and all the while they keep telling me and each other – or maybe themselves – that they should really stop eating meat. But strangers do it, too :D

        2. Cat Herder*

          Ooo, rock climbing! Me too! And I’m *old*! I find that climbers don’t think anything’s special about an older woman climbing — I’m just another climber. One reason I enjoy the sport.

      6. Quickbeam*

        I am a master knitter. I’ve learned not to tell people at work since they all then want a hat/sweater/Afghan. Once people find out I am forever being besieged with horrible knitting mistakes they expect me to fix with, I dunno, magic beans. They get crestfallen when I look at it and say “ rip it out, start all over, that’s what I’d do”.

        I have taught a lot of coworkers to knit and crochet. I’m pretty tough on men who say they can’t do it; my grandfather and father could knit magnificently. People do think knitting is fast though and underestimate the time involved.

        1. Mallory*

          Yeah, my husband doesn’t knit as a hobby but he’s big into sailing so he does a lot of knot tying and general macrame. I was trying to teach myself to knit, and it drove him so crazy he just learned the basics himself then taught me ;).

        2. Windchime*

          Oh, have you done the master knitter thing where you send in swatches to be judged? I have thought about doing that. I didn’t even know it existed until I started watching Roxanne Richardson’s YouTube channel. I’m a very experienced knitter, but the thought of the Master Knitter’s program still kind of intimidates me for some reason.

      7. beatrix*

        Removed. People want to be anonymous here, so the site rules ask that you don’t attempt to out anyone, even in a friendly way.

    3. Lady Jay*

      I’m a runner. I also like hiking alone in the mountains, when I get the chance (never often enough!). I’ve been given, on two separate occasions, small vials of mace to carry along with me, which I never do.

        1. Rookie Biz Chick*

          Because there are sooooo mannnnnyyyyy baaaaadddd guys in the woods waiting for a poor little lady to snatch and take back to their lair. /s

          Also, bears!

          1. Rosemary7391*

            I see… having applied google this makes much more sense! Didn’t realise that mace was another name for pepper spray – I have a jar of ground mace in my spice cupboard. Still confused though – pepper spray isn’t legal here, I know that’s different elsewhere but do people really just casually hand it out??

            1. Lady Jay*

              Hahahaha. I love this mental image, dousing would-be assailants with random spices from my cupboard. Because I’ve never actually bought the stuff, I’m not sure how my benefactors got it, but both vials were clearly legal, packaged to be sold in a major store (I’m pretty sure at least one of them came from Walmart). They were also both pretty small, like single-use. Maybe small ones are okay?

          2. Lady Jay*

            Bingo. A friend of mine (also single) recently asked whether, when I was hiking mountains, I was worried about creepy men. I told her absolutely not. Especially in the Rockies, where the best hiking is pretty remote, it’d be a lot of work for a creeper to come stalk me up at 10,000 feet! Most people are just gonna creep in the big cities.

            1. Gaia*

              Right? I like to think most creepers are creeps of opportunity. And there probably isn’t a lot of opportunity in the Rockies….

              1. Rosemary7391*

                Even if they were out with intention to creep – why would they look for the metaphorical needle in a haystack when they can just go to the haberdashers? Finding someone off path is difficult enough that search and rescue teams struggle with it, nevermind random creepers.

            2. Lissa*

              It’s like how most crime doesn’t occur in dark alleys at 3am because a criminal would have to sit there and wait, hoping someone happens to walk through it!

            3. CoffeeOnMyMind*

              I’m a runner, too, and my family kept asking me if I had pepper spray with me. I don’t think they ever expressed the same level of concern with my brother when he goes running.

              I’ve only been chased once, in a park in broad daylight by a guy who was clearly intoxicated. Nothing happened – I just kept running, and easily out paced him. But this was the only incident in like hundreds of runs by myself. I’m still not worried about running alone.

          3. blaise zamboni*

            I get this exact thing too. I do take pepper spray and a knife because there are mountain lions, etc, but the conversations I have with people about it always surprise me–I reassured my mom the other day that I had pepper spray and was perfectly safe hiking in this high-use trail that I’ve been hiking for months, and she was like “but your pepper spray is in your bag, a man could grab you before you even know he’s there!” That is noooooot what I’m worried about, but thanks.

      2. Rookie Biz Chick*

        Similar, and folks who ask why my boyfriend lets me go hiking and backpacking alone. Eeeesh!

        1. Junior Dev*

          I get a lot of irritating comments when bike touring or hiking alone. My favorite was so over the top I wasn’t even mad: “you’re all alone out here? No dog? No gun? No boyfriend?”

    4. Jules the 3rd*

      Not explicitly gendered comments, but a story that wouldn’t have happened if I were male:

      My hobby / passion / obsession is reading, mostly spec fic. I am pretty vocal about who I like (Vernor Vinge, McMasters Bujold, Nix, Vernon, Butler, Asimov), who I don’t like (Pohl, Pournelle, Sanderson), and who I like but recognize is not the strongest wordsmith (Lackey) or requires really specific tastes (Weber) . I commented somewhere online that John Ringo was an aggressive, mean person whose writing was not good enough to overcome my distaste for his personality.

      Some Ringo fan tried to Fake Geek Girl me in a comment exchange. While you could do that if I commented on on-line games or RPGs, with comics and books, well, no. Just no.

      When he said ‘I bet you don’t even think Tolkien is good,’ I and several friends watching the exchange had to stop to manage our laughter. I am a *passionate* Tolkien fan. Little Jules is *damn* lucky I knew his dad would never go for Aragorn for a name [multiple other examples of my passion excised for length; suffice it to say that over 40 years, there are a lot of them].

      I spent the next 10 minutes killing him with kindness, discussing Tolkien and several other high quality writers. I mentioned the Expanse, our current TV fave, he said, ‘oh, yeah that’s great’, I said, ‘It gets kind of confusing between the books and the show, they’re taking a lot of stuff out of print order.’

      Him: “I haven’t read the books.”
      Hoist by his own petard, and it felt *good*.

      1. Minocho*

        Actually just started re-reading the Expanse again! I’m really enjoying the show – which speaks well for it, as it’s often hard for me to enjoy a show after reading the book. I find it fascinating to look at the narrative differences and understand how the difference in medium changes presentation.

        If you haven’t read her, might I suggest Ann Leckie?

    5. Ranon*

      I’m a woman that does martial arts, and I’ve had more than one person ask me if my husband also practices. I get some weird looks when I say “oh no, husband has less than zero interest in any sort of contact sport or martial art, but he thinks it’s cool that I do it!” (He finds watching it excruciatingly boring for the most part but he did humor me when I wanted to watch many hours of Olympic matches because he is a good egg).

      1. Kuododi*

        I had a male colleague at the mental health center where I worked in the deep South USA. We were talking about my experiences with local karate classes. (The Sensei was a mutual friend.). My colleague commented about my Karate classes: “I don’t think I could be involved with a woman who could kick my a**.” Mmm noones offering!?!? Btw I think your wife might be a bit testy if you tried. Well…life goes on!!!

    6. That Old JRPG Lady*

      I’m a 40-something year old woman who plays JRPGs. I’ve been playing them since the first gen consoles started porting badly crafted translations. I’ve had my fair share of “oh, you play games? Oh you play those games?”

      To which I want to reply, “Yes, I realize I’d be the crazy old lady who you have to get a tool from to fix a bridge to advance the story but I cut my teeth on these games before you were a twinkle in your mama’s eye, son.”

    7. RockyRoad*

      I’ve gotten a lot of “You’re cool for a girl” and “That’s cool for a girl” type comments from guys about my male-dominated hobbies. When I was into online RPs and MMORPGs guys would also say “But there’s no girls on the internet” and make comments about how I was really good at writing and making characters and gaming for a girl. I know these comments aren’t meant to be insulting but they feel insulting. I’m cool and good at things despite being a girl apparently.

      There was one time where I went to a book signing, and the author asked all the guys in front of me what their name was so he could write out a message to them. When it was my turn he asked who he should be making it out to, and when I said “Me. My name is [name],” he seemed surprised. That was kind of sad.

      In middle school I went through a phase where I loved rap, which I guess must have been more of a guy thing back then. One of my male classmates sang a few lines from a rap song, and I finished the next few lines. He got wide eyed and said, “I didn’t know girls listen to rap!” So I asked what he thought girls listened to. Dead serious, he said “ballerina music.” I was confused at the time but it seems funny now.

    8. Photographer*

      I’m a woman and in my pastime I’m studying art-photography (at the local art academy), something I’ve always been intereseted in and like to do. So on occasion we do expo’s.

      Person XY sees photos of male co-student: “Great photo’s. You are a natural.”

      Person XY sees my photos: “Great photos” He then sees my camera (canon 6D) “But with that camera it is quite easy” and goes on…

      As if it is the camera that is doing all the work and not the person handling it… (btw, totaly beside the point but, male co-student has also a professional camera, albeit Nikon)

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        …You could give me the best, easiest camera in the world and my pictures would still suck, considering I do not have any experience/training in photography.
        As a side note: what is it with people thinking photography is easy? I mean, sure, snapping pictures on your phone is handy and all, but there’s still quite a difference between my 50.000 pet pictures and professional photographs.

        2. Minocho*

          I lived for two years in Japan. I took photos to keep my memories.

          50% of the time I evidently really wanted to remember my out of focus pinky or camera strap…..

      2. pcake*

        Yeah, like the average beginner or phone photographer could pick up a 6D and start taking great pics with it *LOLOL*

    9. Ann*

      I used to do ham radio. Emphasis on “used to”. It was fun in college, when I was mostly interacting with other college students, but where I am currently the groups are all guys and all over 50. As a female in her 20s, the number of times I’ve been called “young lady” is way too high to count. Most of them were nice (if a bit socially awkward), but there was also a lot of guys who assumed I didn’t understand any of the technical side (or were condescending and assumed just got into it because of a boyfriend and would sometimes ask where he was), when in reality I have a degree in electrical engineering and can actually understand the insane math behind RF things!

      I’ve run into it some with gaming. Back when I played Overwatch, I was a Mercy main and would get a lot of toxic things said to me when they realized I was female. I’m not sure what the comment guidelines here are, exactly, but it’s a lot of stuff I probably shouldn’t repeat here. I mostly play MMORPGs now and have had a pretty good experience, even with more serious raiding. I think it helps I seek out guilds that are aimed at older people, so that the people I play with most are actually parents and grandparents and therefore much more mature.

      1. RockyRoad*

        I’ve gotten the boyfriend comments too! :/

        I haven’t had toxic things said to me, but have definitely gotten creepy comments, inappropriately intimate questions, and assumptions that I am there to find a long distance boyfriend as soon as my gender was discovered. (On the flip side, some guys became super protective and would shut down creeps, which was nice.)

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Well, I believe fatuglyorslutty.com probably has a pretty good summary regarding the toxic stuff females deal with.
        Such a shame it’s no longer updatet. Some of the stuff was…creative?

    10. Triple Anon*

      Most of my hobbies are masculine. I get a lot of disbelief (“Can you really do that?”). People assume that I’m just starting out even though I’ve been doing these things for decades. If anything goes wrong or I do anything badly, it’s because of my gender. People think it’s a gimmick or a business plan. People think I’m doing it for or because of someone else and not because I genuinely want to be doing it. People think there’s no substance behind what I’m doing – that I just want to be a girl who does this thing and it ends there. And so on.

      On the other hand, when things go well, it really makes a positive difference. When you ignore the ignorant reactions and do your thing anyway, you get to blaze a train that other people can follow, and inspire people. That makes it all worth it.

    11. RussianInTexas*

      I have a big interest in cars, I go to car shows, and subscribe to car magazine.
      For the longest time other commenters on an online car magazine thought I was a man, and would not believe otherwise.
      Friend of mine, a woman, is a huge sports fan. She is a feminine make-up loving, dresses-wearing sports but who kicks people a**s in fantasy baseball. Let’s just say she gets…comments.

    12. Kj*

      So my husband and I are both tabletop gamers. I get all kinds of comments about my GMing games (I’m better at it than my husband, even though he plays more), but my favorite moments always come when I am teaching a new board game to a group of men and my husband is playing too. Half the time, I’m explaining something and the other men playing will ask my husband a question- even though I am talking. Or they will argue with me about the rules, even though they haven’t read them. Or they will stare down my chest while we are setting up, then act confused on the rules. Or in a co-op game, they will refuse to listen to what I have to say about strategy, even though I’ve played the game more than they have.

      1. Kj*

        Oh, I forgot- in art school, I was a sculptor. Specifically, a sculptor who welded. I showed under my initials, not my full name. It wasn’t unusual at art shows to hear people use male pronouns to refer to me. Most of my sculptures were large and metal so the assumption was they were created by a man.

      2. Kj*

        And I laugh because my brother gets it in another way- my brother is an AMAZING baker. Seriously, he would do great on the Great British Baking Show, were we British. And people always think that my mom or I made what he baked at family events. I’m a good baker, but I’m a home baker. My brother does things like caramelizing a sauce to soak a cake and frost it with Italian meringue. He’s awesome at baking. And no one believes the cakes are his….

      3. neverjaunty*

        Oh man. The hobby is slowly getting better, but I will always remember a GenCon when I was in my early 20s, which was, oh, right after the dinosaurs died out. I had signed up for a game of Civilization (the original board game).

        I went to the game area early to find one player already waiting. Y’all, this was a guy who looked like he could have been sent over from central casting for “the script calls for ‘stereotypical neckbeard’, you got anyone you could send over?” When he saw me, his jaw dropped. Visibly. Then he shouted “Wow! I didn’t know any girls played Civilization!”

        I swiveled around mid-step without saying a word and walked right back out to go find a different game. I imagine that guy is still the same, older and a little balder, genuinely mystified why he can’t get any “girls” to play chits games with him.

        1. Kj*

          Male gamers can act SO CONFUSED as to why women don’t want to play games with them. They can’t even see how sexist they are sometimes. It drives me nuts. I actually stopped attending a lot of geek-gaming stuff in my city due to this. I don’t get taken seriously and I get hit on in annoying ways (once, when my husband was sitting right next to me! The dude was VERY crass too). My husband and I mostly game at home, with friends, and have mostly couple friends with even gender distribution. It isn’t perfect though- we had to stop playing with one couple because he could not handle that I gave as much sarcasm back as I got from him. He got visibly flustered when I refused to just take his jabbing remarks- his wife was super-passive, so I suspect he was not used to it. Ugh.

          1. anon today and tomorrow*

            I honestly find male geeks way more sexist than other types of men tbh. They hate on women with such fervor and never realize women don’t want to be around them because they’re horrid human beings who believe they deserve attention from women.

            1. A.N. O'Nyme*

              I once read a theory that honestly perfectly explains this.
              Male geeks state they’re single because “girls don’t like geeky stuff”. Of course, female geeks existing proves that this is false and that maybe their personality is the problem rather than their hobbies. Thus, they need to prove that the female geeks aren’t actually geeks so their bubble can remain intact.

        2. Minocho*

          I love tabletop RPGs, and I prefer GMing by far. New job doesn’t give me enough time to do it the last couple years, but I would sign up to run games at all the local conventions to have one table with a woman GM – try to make it easier for new women gamers to find a place that they might feel like they could relax that the game master, at least, wouldn’t be super annoying to them.

          I have some doozy stories from these cons. My favorite, there was one convention where I signed up to run 4 games – that’s 16 hours over the course of a weekend. In those time slots where I wasn’t running, I’d grab some food and then sit down and work on the next game a little bit or draw. This one guy and his daughter were there as administrative volunteers. The father talked to me a bit, I was friendly, might as well pass the time.

          I must have missed _something_ in that conversation, because all of a sudden he’s handing me his card, and saying that since his wife passed away six months ago, he’s been sad, but I would be a good mother to his daughter, and he’d like to go out. The daughter sees this (I don’t her age, late teenager to early 30’s? Really hard to tell.) and starts screaming about how her father is betraying her mother and then horrible things about me. I’m absolutely nonplussed, uninterested, and supremely uncomfortable, so I wave and get out of there as quickly as possible. And don’t call or email.

          Well, dad uses the mailing list from the con coordinator to get my email, and starts emailing me. I ignore it for a while, but it won’t stop, so I finally reply that I think he got the wrong idea, and I’m not interested. He apologizes and then stops emailing (thank goodness!).

          Six months later, I’m signing in for my welcome packet at another con, and the woman taking my name goes “Oh! You’re Minocho!”
          “Um, yes?”
          The woman holds up her hand. There is a ring on it. “I’m Ann*! I’m [dad*]’s new wife!” I blink. She leans in conspiratorially. “Don’t worry! I don’t believe all the terrible things they say about you!”

          …

          Whew, dodged a bullet!

          *Names haven’t been changed to protect the innocent – they’ve been totally forgotten and made up again after the fact.

    13. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I have the opposite problem – a Canadian guy who hates hockey. For those unfamiliar with Canadian society this is a blend of treason and heresy up here.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        OMG, you are a unicorn! :) I have a ton of Canadian clients and my boss– from the US– is a huuuuge hockey fan, and they all play, so every phone call starts with ten minutes of hockey talk. I have learned to listen quietly, but one day if someone asks me anything, I will probably just say, “Ovechkin! Hat trick! Goalkeeper! Aho!”

        1. Clumsy Ninja*

          Ha! I’m a woman who loves hockey, and so does my younger son. People will ask my son if he learned hockey from his dad, and my husband hates sports. My son just gives them a confused look and says, “No, my mom. Duh!”

          1. Snickerdoodle*

            I’m a female hockey player and have been guilty of that myself. I once asked a kid if he were at the rink to watch his dad play, and he said no, his mom. *facepalm*

      3. Scubacat*

        Treasonous heretic!
        (Canadian female making a joke here).

        I’m a female hockey fan who’s gotten a few gendered comments. Mostly from people surprised that I can discuss the sport as competently as my male partner. When the Leafs got John Tavaras, I just about fainted with joy.

        Other hobbies include various geek topics like Comic Con, MMORPGs, astronomy, and various Science Fiction media forms. Fortunately, I haven’t experienced any gendered comments from those places. Heck, I have a Borg cube on display at my public desk. It’s a very positive environment where half the people around me are geeks. The other half are amusingly tolerant (though perplexed) by us geeks.

    14. Kathy*

      I do some woodworking power tooling after my day job and without fail, every time I got into a hardware store to buy a new tool or some new supplies, I get a lot of, “oh did your husband need you to pick this up, do you want to call him to make sure you’re getting the right thing???” I hate it. This first time I was flustered so I was just like, um well I don’t have one of those so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

    15. King Friday XIII*

      Queen Sara is the video gamer in the relationship, so going into a game store is always a crapshoot of whether they’ll try to talk to me first. I, on the other hand, make jewelry, and it makes me so happy when someone compliments something she’s wearing and she tells them I made it and they give me that surprised “YOU made that? With your giant bear hands???” look.

    16. Everdene*

      Friend: Oh! Has Oak got a new job saw
      Me: Nope, that was my birthday present
      Friend: And he’s going to let you use it?

      Same kind of things when it’s time for a new car. I’m the driver in this relationship, car sales people can’t get that.

      1. D'Arcy*

        My first girlfriend and I got that a bunch, which *really really* highlighted the sexism considering that at the time, she was a aerospace graduate student at MIT and I was her “barely legal” undergraduate partner. I’m a trans girl, and back then I was generally taken for male, so there was a lot of annoyed redirecting along the lines of, “Hey, it’s HER car and SHE’S the engineer. Ask me when it’s biotech.”

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I will admit to using car salesmen gender bias to my benefit when we were shopping for my new car. I hate talking to salespeople when bargaining is a factor so I was more than happy to do all the deciding while my husband managed the conversation that was rarely directed my way anyway. He doesn’t really enjoy the conversing part, being an introvert, but he is keen on a good bargain so it worked out for both of us.

    17. Indie*

      Super odd one: I’ve had some really strange responses from men in the wild when Ive mentioned I’m familiar with and have used (totally mainstream) dating sites. They admit they use them, but seem flabbergasted that a ‘nice young lady’ ‘advertises herself’. So yeah, that’s the thinking behind all the gross emails comrades.

    18. Anonymosity*

      Back when I was skating, I said more than once that we really needed boys and men in the skating club. People would say, “Figure skating is for girls and hockey is for boys!”

      *headdesk*

      We had a few male coaches and some really young kids who would drop out as they got a little bigger. There was one teenage boy, a Mennonite kid, but the family moved. I was the only adult skater doing shows for quite a while. We had no adult men skating in our shows. A lot of folks tried it when the rink first opened, but boys or men either did not join us or did not stick around long.

      I stopped skating in 2016, but by the time I left, there were some girls playing hockey. I still follow the figure skating club on Facebook, and they now have a boy about ten or twelve who seems to be really into it. YES! I hope he doesn’t quit if stupid sexist kids/parents give him crap about it.

    19. Anonymosity*

      I wrote out a whole answer and the comment box swallowed it. >_<

      When I figure skated, I would often say we should have more men and boys doing it. I heard a lot of "Figure skating is for girls and hockey is for boys!" I heard it from parents, kids, etc. *facepalm* We had a few, mostly small children who would lose interest quickly, and a few adults tried it when the rink first opened. But except for one teenaged Mennonite kid, whose family ended up moving, we had no boys or men skating in any of our shows. Heck, for a long time I was the only adult who skated in the shows! The only men involved in the program for any length of time were coaches.

      I quit in 2016, but by the time I left, there were some girls playing hockey. And I still follow the figure skating club on Facebook. They now have a boy about ten or twelve who seems really into it. Yes!! I hope he doesn't quit if sexist kids/parents give him a hard time. I hope the coaches shut that crap down in a hurry.

    20. HannahS*

      “Aw, you’ll make such a good wife!”

      …well, definitely not for you, buddy. (I sew/knit/bake. Because these things are awesome, not because I’m a woman.)

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        A drunk friend in college once told me, “You’ll make a good wife for a senator.” I still don’t know what was up with that.

        1. HannahS*

          That’s so weird. Maybe you seem like you’d look great in a sheath dress standing behind your husband and smiling grittily while he apologizes for having hired a stripper? To be fair, there’s a skill in that, though it’s not one I’m interested in cultivating.
          It’s the structure of that kind of compliment that’s so rude. For sure, I’ll make someone a great wife someday, but looking at my hard-won skills and being like “Yes, these qualify you to operate for the benefit of a man” is gross.

      2. anon today and tomorrow*

        In grad school, I was told a few times that I was too pretty to waste my time in school and asked why I was pursuing a graduate degree instead of getting married and having kids because I’d be such a good wife/mother.

        As if that’s the only thing women should do with their life, or as if they can’t pursue higher education and have families. My stock answer was always, “So I can change the world so women no longer have to deal with sexist questions like that one”. That usually shut people up pretty quickly.

    21. Cedrus Libani*

      I’m a fairly serious Magic: the Gathering player. Occasionally, I’ll get the double-take when I sit down, especially when I’m doing well in a tournament (matches are typically played against an opponent with the same win-loss record). “Whoa, YOU’RE 3-0?” Dude, I just beat an eight year old, we’re not exactly doing rocket science here.

      1. Anono-me*

        Lightweight player here.

        I always made my purchases at big city independent store that is a a far distance away. Then a chain store moved into the not nearly as far away mall. The first and only time I visited, I was greeted promptly and warmly by the manager who asked what I was looking for. I replied that I was looking for Magic the Gathering cards. He asked if there were any specific cards I was hoping to find, then asked if my boyfriend had given me a list of what he wanted. I explained that the cards were for me and that I would be shopping elsewhere.

    22. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      Last week I was watching an airshow, and I was telling a little girl next to me what the different type of aircraft were. A guy looks at me and goes, “How do you know so much about airplanes?” Um, because my entire family is made of pilots? Like girls can’t know what a C-130 or a P-51 looks like.

    23. Skatey McSkaterson*

      “gosh that sounds awfully violent for girls”
      “but how do you hide the bruises” (I don’t)

      I play roller derby. A sport y’know, mostly played by women*. Also do crossfit which leads to some stunners, mostly from women, about how they think being too strong is masculine etc.

      Conversely, if anyone sees the knitting in my bag, or hears that I’m doing something with choir, I get called “wholesome”

    24. Nash*

      The most egregious was when I was doing hardcore progression raiding in World of Warcraft. Once I’d joined the guild with my partner, we were consistent in noting that we were together and that I was a woman. (I’m nonbinary now lol) I was the only woman in the guild.

      Then I talked on voicechat and everyone was shocked. They’d decided that partner and I were just gay men, and I was pretending to be a woman to avoid homophobia. They also informed me that if they’d known I was a woman, they would never have admitted me. It was nice learning I was playing with the worst stereotypes of dude gamers.

    25. Environmental Compliance*

      I knit as a hobby, but also design patterns & custom knit items for sale. I usually have a project in my purse and will knit during down times. I get a decent amount of comments from people that are surprised I’m knitting because I’m “not old” and also that I’m not knitting baby items. Or, since I do occasionally knit baby items for family members, I must be preggers because why else would you knit a baby blanket? *eyeroll* I also get a ridiculous amount of requests for blankets. I hate knitting adult size blankets. They take forever, and they’re monotonous as hell. No one ever wants to pay what they’re actually worth. No, when I’ve just met you I will not knit you a blanket.

      My new favorite comments are that I’m knitting wrong, since I don’t knit how their grandma/mom/some other random relative knits. I knit Portuguese style, which probably to be fair isn’t super common, but I find it a little entertaining to be told I’m doing it “wrong”.

      1. Snickerdoodle*

        Ew. I’m SOOO sick of people requesting knitted items and then being appalled that it’s neither cheap nor quick. I quit accepting commissions for that reason. I also got a ton of “grandma” comments when I was in college, but that has luckily tapered off.

        1. Environmental Compliance*

          I rarely do commissioned items anymore. Mostly just for family at this point. It’s not worth explaining to someone ad nauseum that no I can’t knit [item] in 1 week, out of pure silk, for $10. Nope nope nope.

          I was once knitting an EC-sized sock TAAT in a dr’s waiting room and some guy decided to wax poetic about how adorable it was that I was knitting a baby blanket for my soon to arrive baby. Uh, no, considering I’m past the heel and working on the cuff, should be pretty obvious that they’re socks and not a blanket, and also, definitely not pregnant.

          1. Snickerdoodle*

            LOL! I was once working on a blanket for my dad in the breakroom at work and somebody asked me what I was knitting. The blanket was nearly completed, so, naturally, I sarcastically replied “A sock.” They said “A sock?” to which I replied “Yeah, I screwed it up.” There was an awkward pause, and I looked up to see my coworker’s bewildered expression and had to explain that I was kidding. Apparently, dry humor isn’t for everyone.

            I’ve yet to have anyone assume the baby blankets are for me, but I also usually say it’s for a friend’s baby.

    26. Snickerdoodle*

      I’m a female ice hockey player and, while the male players are mostly great, that attitude does not seem to extend to dating. Guys either don’t believe I actually play, they make dumb jokes about fights, or they make insecure snide remarks about sports in general. I receive similar insecure attitudes when guys who can’t drive stick find out that I do. Alternatively, they hit on me because they like my car and want to drive it.

      “Curiously,” I don’t receive many remarks at all about enjoying cooking, knitting, reading, etc.

    27. londonedit*

      Very late to the party, but I love this question! I’m a woman, and I like football (‘soccer’). I’ve supported my team since I was 6 years old, I will watch any football match I can, and on top of all that I’m a qualified FA referee (I haven’t refereed for about five years as I got into running and that now takes up most of my weekends, but I keep up my qualification because it’s a cool thing to have).

      In my experience, if a man meets other men in the pub and professes an interest in football, the conversation will go along the lines of them asking him which team he supports, followed by either good-natured derision or matey discussion of the team’s current form. If a woman professes an interest in football, or if men overhear a woman making vaguely intelligent comments about a football match, the conversation will go ‘Oh yeah? You like football? Which team did you support? Why do you support them? How long have you supported them? Why did you get into football? Who’s your favourite player? What did you think of their form last season? Can you name the entire FA Cup Final squad from 1997? Who was the manager in 1972?’ etc etc etc. We have to jump through a million hoops to prove that we’re ‘allowed’ to be interested in football (rather, I assume, than being interested in perving at the players’ legs or whatever).

      Also, from the refereeing point of view, if people (and I have to say both men and women are guilty of this) find out I’m a referee, the first question I get is ‘Really? Like…proper football? I mean…like…men’s football?’ Yes indeed, amazingly enough women are allowed to referee men’s 11-a-side ‘proper’ football matches.

  3. anon today and tomorrow*

    I have one thing I’m annoyed by and one I’m questioning:

    1. I gave up on Stitch Fix awhile, but I recently tried them again and requested summer items in light colors and breathable materials. They sent jeans and polyester dresses. I also requested a bit more conservative items since I’m traveling to some countries where it’s recommended to cover knees and shoulders. SF sent a short dress with no sleeves and a low neckline/cutouts and tanks. This is not the first time my note has been ignored, but I’ve finally cancelled my account.

    2. As mentioned above, I’ll be traveling to some more conservative areas. Is it still okay to wear yoga pants and a sweatshirt in the airport? I’ve had several people tell me that going to places like Morocco or Asia means I should dress appropriately for the flight, and that yoga pants with a tank and sweatshirt is disrespectful and airlines might not let me on / might take me aside during security/immigration during layovers or when I enter the country. Is this true? I’d never wear this type of outfit normally, but it’s my go-to comfy airport outfit, especially for a long flight.

    1. Daria Grace*

      Depends where in Asia you are going to. Singapore or Bali pretty much anything that would be acceptable in America would be fine. Perhaps a little more conservative in Malaysia and other parts of Indonesia, but you are very unlikely to need to be fully covered in non-formal settings.

    2. GreyNerdShark*

      Where I live Muslim women wear trousers and shirts not too far in general looks from yoga pants and sweatshirts. What they do is cover them with a long – below knee length – item. Either a loose shirt or a sleeveless tabard sort of thing.

      If you can’t find a shop catering to Muslim women near you, then try your local Plus sized range and look for a large overshirt. Put it on over your comfortable items and belt it loosely.

      1. purple otter*

        By kimono do you mean traditional Japanese dress or do you mean a western-style “kimono” robe? Neither would be really appropriate in an airport anywhere. In Asia people would look at you funny, since most people wear Western clothing in airports. A sweatshirt (but not the cold-shoulder or falling off one shoulder style) with yoga pants would be fine in the major international airports. I would err on the side of being more conservative and wear a longer tunic style top or sweatshirt to cover your behind.

        1. nep*

          I was just looking at some things on a store website last night that were called/categorised as kimonos–but really were just pretty wraps. I was just thinking if the person wanted to throw something over everything. So no–not a traditional dress. I should have said long cardigan or wrap. Anyway just a thought.

          1. purple otter*

            Gotcha. I was thinking either traditional dress or the bridal style flowery “kimono” short robes that seem to be really popular in photos these days.

    4. Thlayli*

      Afaik this is bullshit. Airports are pretty much the same everywhere you get people from all walks of life. Possible exceptions are countries under sharia law.

      1. deesse877*

        There is no such thing as a country “under sharia law.” There are countries with restrictive social rules, some based in religious texts and traditions, that have been codified into law. But it isn’t a different kind of law from that of any other modern state. The use of the term “sharia” is not appropriate in this context, and similar uses of the word are often coded expressions of anti-Muslim bigotry.

        2. A username for aam*

          A lot of the countries who function under what people short-handededly refer to as “Sharia law” have laws on the books that are openly bigoted against women, homosexuals, Christians, Jews, people who like dancing, etc. So I think lobbing the “bigotry” accusation is a little rich in this situation.

        3. Observer*

          It’s worth getting your facts right before making accusations.

          As A Username and Thlayli point out, you are incorrect. And, in fact, this kind of thing can trip people up, even in the airport. I suggest you google the story abut the woman who is being detained in Dubai – for drinking alcohol on the plane.

          1. The New Wanderer*

            A complimentary drink she was given by the flight attendants as part of their regular service. The immigration control person said that her visa was expired and rather than allow her to get a new one, asked her about whether she drank alcohol. When she answered truthfully she was detained with her small daughter and kept in jail for several days before they dismissed the charges (which wasn’t a given!). So upsetting.

    5. misspiggy*

      I travel a lot to Asia and Africa, and I do try to look reasonably smart by the time I get to passport control. I get the feeling staff like foreigners to show respect when entering a country, particularly if that country doesn’t get a lot of respect on the international stage.

      I wear soft jersey dresses, with leggings if bare knees are a no-no, and some kind of jacket or scarf to make it look a bit more formal. Helps avoid showing your midriff or back when you’re adjusting a shoulder bag etc. I find that does get me a bit more helpfulness and respect, which I need as someone with mobility issues. But I’ve never been treated badly as such when wearing sloppier clothes.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Most travel guides will have a “what to wear” to steer you in the right ballpark, and it helps if you look like you are not a native and so not subject to local expectations. (If you DO look like you might be a citizen of any of your destinations, expect harsher policing of your appearance or actions. For a European example, my tall bland family got chewed out on a train in Germany, and threatened with fines as scofflaws, until we haltingly managed to say “We are American–English?” and then the conductor switched to fluid English and explained we were on too nice a train for our tickets (the high speed express), but as confused tourists he would just explain that and let us off at our destination.)

      If yoga pants are dubious I’d go with a loose travel dress–the “just wear a gigantic shirt” approach.

    7. Tuxedo Cat*

      I don’t know about the disrespect aspect of #2, but would you be okay wearing a long tunic and pants underneath?

    8. Not so rainy*

      When the plane gets ready for landing in Téhéran, all ladies get a scarf out of their bag and cover their hair. In light of this, I would suggest that you board the plane in your most comfortable outfit, and carry a long dress to slip on (in?) before landing.

    9. Meliza*

      I lived in SE Asia for a year and a half and during my time travelled to several different countries, and I generally wore what you described on longer flights. It was never an issue. I usually made an effort to cover my knees and shoulders, but beyond that I just wore what was comfortable. I think you should be fine!

    10. anon today and tomorrow*

      Thanks, all! I think I might find some comfy non-yoga pants or wear a maxi dress with a jacket or wrap just to be safe. I want to be a good tourist and not offend any local customs!

      Also, forgot to ask this in my original post – but do the conservative rules apply in hotel rooms? I’ve also had several people tell me not to wear a tank/shorts/sports bra when I go to sleep, even if I’m in a room by myself, because someone might see me and get offended. This is the only one I’m willing to push back on slightly because I overheat when I sleep (even in winter I need to wear shorts to bed), and if I’m not leaving my hotel room in my sleep clothes, there shouldn’t be a need for me to dress conservatively, right?

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        Wow what? No way….. who’s going to see you in your room unless you step out and wander around the hotel room dressed like that?

        And FWIW–I’ve travelled to Dubai Oman and Pakistan in the past, and I sleep pretty much naked. Of course, if someone comes to the room, I’d get dressed but that’s it.

        There’s also the risk if an emergency happens and you’ll need to leave your room but that kind of emergency could happen anywhere and it’s a risk you take if you sleep naked/very little clothing, in any country in the world.

      3. misspiggy*

        No – what you wear in your own room is your business, and cleaning staff etc are usually unfazed.

    11. Waffles*

      I have traveled to a lot of very conservative countries for work, and in my experience when landing at a large international airport, yoga pants and a sweatshirt is fine. You definitely will not be denied entry to the plane or pulled aside for questioning.

    13. Ann O.*

      I cannot speak to Asia, but I can speak to Morocco-of-10-years-ago. Over a decade, a lot of things may have changed. But when I lived in Morocco, basic politeness as a tourist is mildly conservative dress. Yoga pants would be fine as long as they’re paired with a tunic or other type of top that covers the booty.

      I have no idea why people would think you’re going to get pulled aside or barred from your flight based on clothing. A lot of European tourists dress just like how they do in Europe. Immodest-by-Moroccan-standards dress is common.

    14. jojobeans*

      I’ve traveled and lived a fair bit in conservative countries (currently living in Jordan) so I’ve worked out how to make these rules work.

      One of my go-to’s for hot weather in conservative countries is leggings (full-length ones that cover your skin is (mostly) covered, you’re okay. Just how much skin can show depends on the country and where you are going in it. For example, in Amman, it very much depends on which neighborhood within the city you are in.

      I’ve also never had airport staff do or say anything about how I or anyone else was dressed. The only instances I can think of where it would matter are Iran and Saudi Arabia, where conservative dress really is literally mandated by law – at least for women. Anywhere else you should be fine.

      With yoga pants, if they’re nicer and in good shape, I’d recommend pairing them with something longer, a tank or sweatshirt that covers your butt (butt and chest are good areas to cover – absolutely no cleavage should show under most circumstances in these countries). Some places are okay with short sleeves, some with quarter-length or elbow-length, others require full-length. It really varies depending on where you are going.

      My go-to when shopping for conservative attire has been Forever 21, as it provides cheap, comfortable clothes and often has tunic tops that work perfectly over jeans or leggings.

      If you want to ask me any questions, you can email me at miamagic at hotmail dot com and I’d be happy to help!

    15. Candy*

      I travel to the Middle East twice a year and my go-to airplane outfit sounds a lot like what you’re planning: leggings (thicker ones that look more like ponte pants, not Lululemon), a loose tank top (not figure-hugging), and a long cardigan that covers my ass. I only put my headscarf on and button up my cardigan once I’m past passport control, have picked up my luggage, and am literally walking out the doors of the airport.

    16. LulaCyndi*

      I highly recommend LuLaRoe. Yes I’m a consultant but I started out as a customer in need of modest, useful attire for my HR management position in a manufacturing environment. The company is Mormon owned but definitely not dowdy. They have dresses, skirts, tops, and layering pieces that sound perfect for your needs.

  4. Cristina in England (visiting Scotland)*

    I am in family vacation hell. Only two more days until we go home!!

    1. :-)*

      Hang in there ;-) Hope all the troubles will be gone asap (hopefully the are already gone and you can enjoy Scotland for a bit?)

  5. silvertech*

    Hi everybody, I have had a rough week (one of many, it’s a been a rough time in general) so I thought I’d ask how do you cope when you feel like nothing is working out as you need/hoped. In my case, I’m a very stubborn person, I don’t give up easily, but at the same time I get discouraged very easily when something doesn’t work out or something bad unexpectedly happens. At the moment I feel like everything is going bad: money, (lack of) relationships, work… I feel stuck even though I am putting myself out there and trying.
    I’m in my mid-thirties and I feel like everyone is getting somewhere except me, which I know from a logical point of view it’s not true, but still.
    I’d like some stories, encouragement, strategies… even just virtual hugs/high fives if you feel like it.
    Have a great weekend AAM readers!

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Virtual hug from someone tagging along in this thread. I feel the same way with my studies.

    2. Jemima Bond*

      Gesture of solidarity from over here (what would that gesture look like? I’m thinking nodding with eyes down and thumping one’s chest) re the mid-thirties everyone is getting on better than me thing. Been there. Try to remember your life is not about other people who in one way or another may be more successful. If you can’t give up comparing yourself to others, try imagining you had to swap everything and I mean everything with them. My friend Jane has a marvellously high powered career and a beautiful house, but is run ragged with work travel, and has terrible bunions. Envious of your friend Tangerina’s meteoric rise in her company? Imagine having to wake up next to her husband Fergus every morning, who plucks his nostril hair in front of you and only talks about golf.

    3. BearRamblesOn*

      The thing that works for me is to stop looking at the big picture and focus on the next (baby) step. (Also stop comparing yourself to others.) Give yourself credit for all of the things you ARE doing and getting right including the baby steps you are taking. Every step means you are moving forward and aren’t going backwards. Focus on the next step, kick its ass, rejoice…Aaaaand repeat.

      2. misspiggy*

        Yes. My mother would say, ‘One foot in front of the other’ when things were tough, and that helps me focus on moving forward when the only way out is through.

      3. :-)*

        This is great advice! Indeed, look at all the steps you’ve already taken. Every step is important.

        It took me a lot longer (than most people) to get my Masters degree. 4 years (after my bachelor) instead of the normal 2 years. Because of health reasons (hidden disability) but also because I was strugling with inferiority feelings (imposter syndrome?) and balancing life in general while studying. But I hung in there, I wanted that degree and while it took me a lot longer, I am proud that I have it.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Love your screen name and your post. It took me longer to get my doctorate than most of my cohort (due to physical and mental illnesses) and there were times I thought I wouldn’t finish. I’m very proud and glad that I did. It’s the one accomplishment that never gets old.

    4. Tuxedo Cat*

      Virtual hug from someone who feels the same and had a bad two weeks.

      I’m not great at this, but I think for me, it’s important to feel bad. I sometimes bury my emotions. I don’t want to stay feeling bad, but I need to get it out of my system so I can regroup.

    5. MarisaNova*

      Hugs! Hang in there. 30’s were at times rough for me, too. Believe me, it gets better. :>)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Uh, am not too sure that ever fully goes away. I am in my later 50s.

      This week my dog developed a hematoma in his ear. (A lump the size of a pinky finger.) While I was trying to work on getting help for him the back window of my car decided to fall out. I won’t bore you with the other things. None of this is huge, but it feels burdensome on top of Life Stuff already running in the background.

      Will friends/family/neighbors help you with some of the smaller stuff so you can get over a smaller hurdle?
      Sometimes we just get a whole string of crappy things happening at once. There is no shame in calling for help. My friend had no problem helping me get pics of my dog’s ears to email the vet. (He feels fine and bounces around, which makes getting pictures of his ear a lot of work.)

      Take the time for extra rest. All this stuff adds to our fatigue levels. And our thinking goes down.

      Reconsider some of the things that aren’t working. Is there an easier way? Is Thing actually necessary? Is there Substitute Thing that would actually work out better in the long run? Sometimes I have found that my Plan B was actually better than my original plan.

      Also consider that you may be taking on too much at the moment. Perhaps resolving things A, B and C first would be good, then move on to another cluster, D,E and F.

      Some problems you can plan on seeing again, such as a broken car. Do you have a trust worthy mechanic? Maybe now is the time to figure this out so you don’t have to keep looking for someone you trust. Here the idea is take a problem and build a solution that you can use over and over. Not helpful right now, but it will be tremendously helpful as you go along.

      I can promise you this. If we look around for someone who is doing better than us, we WILL find those people. Each time, every time. And someone is looking at you and saying, “OP is doing so much better than me!” And that statement is true also.

      The really tough comparisons are comparing ourselves/our lives to what we were last week/last month/ 10 years ago. What are you proud of? I know with me I am can get really proud over stupid stuff. “I finally figured out how to get that black ugly mark off the front door.” For longer term things I can say, “I am proud of me for climbing Mt. Everest A, Mt. Everest B and Mt. Everest C in my life.” Key point: Other people would not think these things are a big deal. but to me I get a sense of accomplishment. Think about where you have been and how far you have come.

      And the last two thoughts are kind of corny but they work.
      Make a list of things you are grateful for.
      And
      Turn and help someone with a concern of theirs.
      These last two things can help you to take back some of the your power that you might feel like you have lost.

    7. Girl friday*

      Mid 30s are tough it gets much easier! I was just thinking, I had so many more enemies in my mid-thirties than I do now. So I guess it gets better hahaha.

    8. Whatsinaname*

      Hang in there. Sometimes all you can do to cross the mountain is to focus on your feet and do it one step at a time. And maybe you need to sit back for a moment or two to assess if this is really what you want. Looking back at my mid-thirties I was completely bogged down by other people’s narratives versus what I really wanted. It ended up being an interesting journey trying to figure it out. Have faith in yourself and above all, be good to yourself and things will get better.

    9. DrTheLiz*

      I definitely sympathise with the “other shoe” feeling. Sometimes it helps to tell my brain it’s being irrational and it
      should stop. I once half-woke up from a nightmare, remembered that a friend of mine would say “Bad TheLiz’s brain! Stop making my friend unhappy!” and that made me feel a lot better and I finished out the night’s sleep. So, bad Silvertech’s brain. Stop making them unhappy!

      I also try to tell myself every day that I’m a badass and I’ve got this (true or not!). You, too, are a badass and you’ve got this!

    10. Thursday Next*

      I’m kind of here with you right now (except I’m a decade older). So maybe this isn’t the best week for giving an I Got Through This, So Will You pep talk.

      Instead I will offer hugs and solidarity.

  6. Miss Fisher*

    Couple of things:

    1. Watching Make it on tv an realizing I am not at all as creative as I thought I was. My hobby skills pretty much ends at paint with diamonds.

    2. Went to see Eighth Grade – it was excellent. I don’t think I have ever seen middle school so accurately displayed, not to mention, my awkward 8th grade self. But a gripe… I went to use my MoviePass. I had checked the availability earlier that day, drove to the theater the movies were blocked at that time. So frustrating. I know I will be okay once they roll over to the 3 a month, but I think they are seriously hurting the small indie films by limiting how many to see. I wish Cinemark’s program was a lot more like AMC’s. If it was, I would be switching over.

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      I’m looking forward to seeing Eighth Grade. In my city, indie films are at a Landmark theaters, which don’t have the annoying reserved seating – a win-win for me.

        1. Miss Fisher*

          I typically prefer it, because the seats are way comfier. We do have an indie theater chain but Cinemark has been showing a lot of the recent indie films. They played all the Oscar films. I do notice though that if I don’t check out the indie chains I miss out on some good films. I missed Gemini thinking it would be a wide release. The indie chain is also the only one showing the Mr Rogers film right now.

          1. WellRed*

            True, the seats are comfier. But if the theater is practically empty, just sell me the darn ticket instead of trying to suss out seating on a screen.

          2. Anonymosity*

            I looooooove it. I don’t have to worry about getting to the cinema and someone being in my preferred seat. I’m so very spoiled now by going to Alamo Drafthouse.

        2. LCL*

          I love it, because my partner is really tall, and there are only a few seats that work for him. But it does suck the spontaneity and randomness out of the experience, which are the big reasons I will choose going out over Netflix.

        3. Temperance*

          I love reserved seating! I hate having to move to accommodate other people who didn’t plan well.

    2. Come On Eileen*

      The availability of theaters and movies and showtimes in MoviePass right now is super sketchy – they have been pulling things left and right as they try to stay solvent. I’ve been a customer for around six months and LOVE it, but the past few weeks have been a nightmare. There’s a reddit I follow where people are posting about all the ups and downs with MP — here’s the link:
      https://www.reddit.com/r/moviepass

      1. Miss Fisher*

        Agreed, I hadn’t had any problems until recently. I knew when signing up it wasn’t going to last so decided to use it as much as I can while we still can. There haven’t been too many movies recently though that I had wanted to see. July was kind of a total movie bust for me.

    3. Anonymosity*

      MoviePass has proved unsustainable the way it was, and it’s in trouble. They’ve had to dial back to three movies a month because so many people were gaming the system.

      I would like to see Eighth Grade, but I think I’ll wait until it’s streaming. I have to limit my movie trips–I spent too much going to see Infinity War repeatedly and I want to have the money to buy that one.

  7. Ann Furthermore*

    I’m up late tonight because tomorrow we are saying goodbye to our sweet old-lady dog Sadie. She is 14, and her health has been declining for awhile. A few days ago I finally accepted that it is time. She’s very restless and can’t get comfortable, her breathing is labored, I can see that she’s lost quite a bit of weight, she’s been having accidents in the house, she struggles with the stairs, she no longer hears very well, and I think she’s gotten a bit senile.

    My daughter is finally asleep after having a good long cry. I told her about a month ago that the time was coming, so she’s had some time to think about it. So it’s not a shock, but of course she’s heartbroken just the same.

    Tomorrow is going to be a very hard, sad day, but I will be thankful that Sadie is no longer suffering. It sucks all the way around, but it’s the right thing to do.

    1. I❤️Spreadsheets*

      I will be thinking about your family and Sadie. I don’t think I will ever forget having to make that decision with our dog Zoe. Dogs (and cats) are one of the family and it is such a hard decision to make even when you know it is the right one for them.

    2. Kuododi*

      Oh my dear….you and your family both two and four legged are in my heart. DH and I have walked this path more than once and I fear it is coming again soon with our beloved grandpa Daschund.

    3. Lemonworld*

      I am so so so sorry about your poor sweet dog and the heartbreaking decision that you’ve had to make. The biggest flaw of dogs is their short lifespan. We had to put a beloved dog to sleep almost a year ago, and it was so difficult. And even though we now have two dogs that we love (didn’t intend to get two dogs, it just happened over the last year), nothing entirely fills the space of the last dog, or the dog before that either. We are just lucky and grateful to have such lovely creatures come into our life.

    4. Rebecca*

      Hugs to you and your family, it’s difficult, I know, but you are doing the best thing for Sadie. She knows that.

    5. A.N. O'Nyme*

      When Her Fuzzy Highness needed to be put down that was probably the hardest decision I ever made, but it was the best for her. My condolences for you and your family.

    6. Anona*

      I’m really sorry. We put down our sweet dog in April, and I still get sad over it. I have found this essay to be helpful/true.
      Pasting the link in a separate reply. Essay is “grief comes in waves.”

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Internet hugs. We have put down one pet, who was in a rapid decline from brain cancer, and our vet staff was really great. We both cried a lot, but the staff know you’re going to do that.

    8. SpellingBee*

      I’ll be thinking of you today, too – it is so dreadfully hard, but you’re doing the right thing. It’s been a year since our last kitty died (at 19), and I’ve been reluctant to get another. I just don’t know if I can handle the heartbreak anymore.

      1. Windchime*

        I felt that way a few years ago after I had to say goodbye to my 19 year old kitty. I was heartbroken and missed him so much. I didn’t intend to get another cat so soon, but then I held a tiny, fluffy kitten and I was sunk. Getting him really did soften the blow of losing my old cat and I am so glad that NewKitty is part of my life. I deal with the inevitable by pretending that it won’t happen with NewKitty.

    9. Ainomiaka*

      I’m so sorry to hear about that and will be thinking about your family. You’re right, it sucks all the way around even when it’s right. Long distance non-invasive internet hugs.

    11. Ann Furthermore*

      Thank you everyone for your kind words. I realized this morning that I’m thankful that I was unable to sleep last night. In the last few days, it seemed like Sadie was perking up a little bit and I was second guessing our decision. But she was up and down all night, pacing around the house, and couldn’t stay still for more than a few minutes at a time. I read so many things about this, and this is listed as one of the signs of a dog that is suffering and in pain. So last night’s insomnia was a blessing in disguise, because it made me realize that we’ve made the right decision.

      My daughter is spending some time with her now, saying her goodbyes. In a little while, my husband is going to take her out to buy a gift for her best friend, whose birthday is tomorrow, and she also needs some new cleats. He and I both agreed that it would just be too hard for her to have to see Sadie leave for the very last time, so they’re going to leave first.

      1. Gaia*

        My last night with Ludo, I was up all night. I hadn’t finally decided it was the end, but that night sealed it for me. Even on the strong pain medications he was in too much pain to lay down. I spent all night with him, laying on the floor, sweeping (he weirdly loved the broom) and hand feeding him pieces of chicken thighs. By the time the sun came up, I knew it had to be that day. It was the hardest night I’ve ever had, but I am forever grateful we spent that night together.

      2. MarisaNova*

        So sorry for your loss. Sadie truly was a family member. Reminds me of our cat Tiger, who we got in 1980 when the kids were little. Eighteen years later we had him put to sleep as he couldn’t walk anymore/other age problems. He spent his last day in our backyard, basking in the sun with the 4 of us talking and laughing around him, to make his last moments as inclusive as possible. Not a dry eye when we brought him home. 20 years later, I still smile when I think of him as I pass his spot in the garden.

    12. I Love Thrawn*

      I am so sorry. I know exactly how hard this is, but remember, this is also an act of love.

    13. Gaia*

      I’m so sorry to hear this. I will never forget realizing it was time for my dog. He was just 9 and while he’d been sick for a few years it was always manageable…until it very suddenly wasn’t. No words will make this feel better, but just know you are doing a very kind thing for Sadie and she was well loved and knows it.

    15. NJ Anon*

      We just revently had to put our sweet 14 year old pup down. I still cry. When i get sad i try to remember the good times. She had a good life. All the best to you!

    16. Not So NewReader*

      They are certainly a gift in our lives. And they do service even in ways that we cannot fully explain. No two are alike, ever, each is special in their own way.

      Very sorry, internet hugs for you and yours if you want them.

    17. Amadeo*

      I am so sorry. I just put down my 20 year old cat on Wednesday afternoon. She’d had CRF for the past four years and been doing fine but finally hit end stage I guess (or grew a brain tumor). She started with short little seizures that slowly got longer over the course of a couple of weeks (seizures aren’t dangerous unless they happen to hit while you’re at the top of the stairs, a conversation with the vet calmed me into waiting and taking it day by day) until I came home from work Wednesday and found her ‘stuck’ in one, exhausted, mentally absent, covered in drool and urine. I wrapped her up in a towel, took her in and said good-bye. I knew it was coming. Doesn’t make it easier.

      I commiserate with you in the rawest way possible. Stock up on some comfort food and take care of yourself afterward.

    19. StellaBella*

      My sincere condolences. I had to put my fuzzy buddy Loki, a malamute, down 7 years ago. He had lymphosarcoma. As you say it is for the best as Sadie will not suffer any longer. Hold her when they give her the shots. It will be hard but it is the compassionate thing to do. Big, big hugs.

    20. Bluebell*

      Awwwwww. I’m so very sorry for you your family and your pup. It won’t be easy, but you know you’re doing the right thing. Hugs to you.

    24. Minocho*

      It doesn’t make it stop hurting, by any stretch, but remembering how many years of joy you gave each other helps keep the perspective that even though it really, really hurts, the total balance is obviously on the side of love an joy over all those years.

      I’m getting close on my 17 year old cat I brought back from Japan. I’ve had him since he fit in one hand! I’ve already lost the other Japanese cat, and even after 3 years, thinking about her can bring a tear to my eye. But I rescued her from the street, badly injured, and gave her a good 15 years of love, comfort, and probably too much food.

  8. The RO-Cat*

    Surrounded by illiberal countries and in Russia’s crosshair, we Romanians fight dearly to keep our frail democracy alive. Last night a masive protest (100,000+ in Bucharest, about 60,000 alltogether in several major cities), chiefly organized and populated by Romanians living abroad, was violently crushed by riot police. Times may be worrying or even bad for us, but we won’t go down without a fight.
    (My user name is a link to The Telegraph article. I don’t know how serious this news outlet is, but the article is pretty balanced, though tame).

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Good luck.

      I am so sick of corruption in politics. I hate the way that it’s invaded the political system and it seems to be accepted. It’s time that the politicians remember that they serve the people, not the other way around.

      I know a little about Romania through a Romanian student of mine and it’s a fascinating country with an incredible history. Your democracy may be frail, but the people are strong.

      You can do this.

      1. The RO-Cat*

        Thank you, Foreign Octopus! I actualy think we’re just a symptom of the pendulum movement of the whole humanity. After long decades of opening up, globalization, acceptance and human rights now the losers of the evolution are coming back with a vengeance: Trump, Brexit, the rise of the extreme right in Europe, illiberal regimes… all are symptoms. Plus, the demise of the national state (good read in The Guardian, btw).
        It makes me happy that you know about my country – thank you.

        1. Anonymosity*

          I choose to believe it’s the flailing death throes of fascism. It may take longer to kill it than we would like, but it’s fighting so hard to come back because it’s slowly dying.

          Sending good vibes to you and your country. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          1. The RO-Cat*

            Thank you for the good vibes, Anonymosity :-D !
            Fascism is a good term, I guess. The whole situation, IMO, encompasses fascism and more, but it’s a good word to convey the threat of ignoringit.

    2. Barbara*

      I don’t know much of the situation in Romania but it’s scandalous that people cannot protest without being crushed in a democracy.

    3. Thlayli*

      That’s awful. I must admit I don’t know much about the situation in Romania but that’s terrible. I hope things improve.

    4. The RO-Cat*

      Since Romania is a small and, globally speaking, unimportant country, I don’t expect many to know about it. I’ll give a short rundown here for anyone interested:
      – Romania is in Eastern Europe; it was part of the communist bloc and, after a bloody revolution in 1989, turned to democracy
      – we are part of the EU and NATO and enjoy both the advantages and the obligations coming with that;
      – we are part of what (specialists say) Russia sees as “the buffer zone” between it and NATO, in spite of our belonging to NATO. As such, we’re constantly under attack, though not a military one (if not, we’d have already have the fate of Ukraine). We, as a nation, still vividly remember the communism, the terror, the famine, the Soviet soldiers plundering and raping. As such, Russia’s operations are necessarily way more underhanded and covert.
      – we are surrounded by – or very close to – several of Europe’s “illiberal democracies”: Hungary, Poland, Belarus, Turkey, Czechia. Echos from these authoritarian rulings arrive here, though muffled as yet.
      – the present ruling party’s president has two criminal convictions, one definitive, one in appeal, and several other criminal investigations started. As he cannot be a prime-minister he appointed a strawman as PM (the third in one year and a half, the latest being a strawwoman as it is)
      – he’s the acting “capo di tutti capi” and behaving like a Mafia boss, just with the power to change laws to suit him. Most of the people oppose that. The last year and a half (starting Feb 2017) was a constant battle: they tried several ways to whitewash the ruling RICO gang, we took to the streets, again and again.
      – Romania has the second-biggest emigrated population, after Syria (and we are still at peace!). Last night’s protest was started – and in part populated – by Romanians living abroad, who came home to vacation and protest. That was huge, since so far the Romanian Diaspora didn’t bother much with politics (and, since they send money home, they wield huge power over the families back home).
      – riot police made a hell of a demonstration of violence and incompetence at the same time. 452 protesters and 9 riot police were injured.
      – our ruling RICO group would like to see us cower in fear; we’d like to see them tan with parralel lines. Only one can prevail.
      – stand by for more violence in the upcoming months.

      1. Rookie Biz Chick*

        I love learning about a country and culture from folks who are living it! So sorry this madness is going down in your country and I will be following it in the news. All the best.

      2. fposte*

        Thanks for the summary, RO-Cat. My Romanian knowledge is pretty limited, and this was an eye-opener, especially the part about the diaspora. It’s unfortunate that the best way for a small country to make it to the world stage is with a tragedy.

        1. The RO-Cat*

          Thank you, fposte! You are your usual, wise and compassionate, self. Th silver lining of this situation is that Romania became something of a surprise, a kind of regional leader in street protests for principles. Since all around us democracy seems to be going down with barely a whine from the society at large and we still fight… many were surprised.

      3. MarisaNova*

        Have a few Romanian friends, who I met individually at various times over the past 15 years. Wonderful, fun, educated, just all great people. One family went back to live there a year ago/sold everything in America. Got an email they are coming back as soon as they sell their property they bought. Things as they remember them in Romania have changed horribly since they were back home, and they are fearful so coming back to US to start over again. Many prayers to you to and your fellow countrymen that GOOD change comes out of all of this.

        1. The RO-Cat*

          Thanks a lot, MarisaNova. I’m not surprised that family decided to come back o the US, though it saddens me. Things took a turn to the worst in the last year and a half. No wonder active, productive people were leaving in droves over the years. I just hope we’ll rebuild this country and make it, once again, welcoming for our Diaspora.

      4. Woodswoman*

        Thank you for posting about this, The RO-Cat. It’s hard to keep up with international news, and repression must have as much light shown as possible to bring pressure for change. Your courage is inspiring.

        1. The RO-Cat*

          Yes, the whole world seems to be in turmoil these days: US presidency, Brexit, Putin, Erdogan, disseminated lone wolf attacks, there is too much to take in daily. That’s why I chose to write here, too. For awareness. Maybe someone in a different country feels inspired and gets into action.

    5. Triple Anon*

      I wasn’t aware of this, but I just started learning a little Romanian. I’m thinking of you all and I’m going to read up on what’s going on and become more informed. Greetings and good wishes from the U.S.!

      1. The RO-Cat*

        I’m curious, Triple Anon: what made you start learning Romanian? It being a Romance language it’s difficult by default; plus, it has all those weird vowels. All in all, it’s a difficult task.
        Anyway, I’m glad to help in any way, if you need help.

        1. Triple Anon*

          I’m good with languages so I study them as a hobby. I had always been curious about Romanian because it’s a romance language, and therefore similar to languages I’m more familiar with, but I don’t know anyone who speaks it.

          As a first impression, it seems very different from French, Spanish and Italian. It’s intriguing. Thank you for offering to help!

    6. Gaia*

      I saw this news and I was horrified. There is no excuse for such barbaric behavior. A government that fears protests is not fit to govern!

      I know a little of Romania (admittedly not much) but from what I hear it is a beautiful country with a rich and wonderful history and good people. We Americans are mired in our own mess here, but I’ll be cheering you. Don’t get dismayed. It may take time, but good will come out ahead.

      1. The RO-Cat*

        Thank you, Gaia! In fact I do believe we’re in this together. The problems may *look* different, but they have the same roots, here as well as in tne US. I’m optimistic – we’re on the right side of evolution; it’s gonna take time and effort, though, to see this through. I’ll be rooting for you, too!

        1. Gaia*

          Thanks and I agree. The MLK quote (repeated by President Obama) based on a Unitarian sermon by Theodore Parker “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice” is a helpful reminder these days. Sometimes it goes off-course, but overall, I believe when we stand back, we’ll see this is true.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Years ago, by some odd string of incidents my husband and I met a very nice Romanian couple. They fled Ceausescu’s Romania with the clothes on their backs. I listened to their story. My heart aches for you and your country, Romania has been through so much. You all are in my prayers.

    8. StellaBella*

      I saw this on CNN. I am so sorry this is happening and you have my support. I spent some time in Bucharest in 2012 in the Palace of Parliament in the summer and the government changed a few nights before our event happened and it was interesting, as they were the host country. Please stay safe and connected as much as possible with others outside and try to get more information out and raise more awareness via anonymous social media, if it is safe for you to do so.

      1. The RO-Cat*

        Thank you, StellaBella. 2012 was a dark year, too; we were lucky to be in the EU and, as such, politicians weren’t able to have their way, but it was a close call. We’re using social media (that’s how this protest was set up, we are huge Facebook users) and foreign TV channels brodcast, usually, what’s happening. It’s just… frustrating to have to fight, again and again, for the same principles. It’s like politicians never learn. Oh, wait…

    9. The RO-Cat*

      Saturday night update: Friday’s violence got the crowd even more determined. Saturday there was another rally, somewhat smaller (~80k, compared to 100k+ Friday) in Bucharest and something around 50k alltogether in several other cities. Many protesters came with face masks and goggles (protection against tear gas). This time the riot police was calm, even friendly. It’s like they were scared of what they did the previous night. Which might very well be true, since (a) the military prosecutors started an investigation in riot police’s actions Friday night and (b) many of those wounded started procedures to sue riot police – and individuals in the riot police – for their injuries.
      For now, all seems to be calm, but I reckon it’s the calm before the storm. I hope I’m wrong.

  9. Foreign Octopus*

    BOOK THREAD!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    After finishing the eighth Amelia Peabody book (love Amelia – it was nice to catch up with her and Emerson), I’m now reading Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I so want to see that film! I didn’t realise it was adapted from a book – guess that’s going on my Book Depository wish list :)

      2. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        I devoured the whole series last summer, and just gave the first one to my husband to try before we see the movie. He was reading aloud from it last night, with little editorial comments.

    2. Daria Grace*

      I’m reading Bodacious: The Shepherd Cat by Suzanna Crampton. The story of life on a farm as told by the cat sounds like it would be cheesy but its not, its really delightful and beautifully written

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Oo, you might enjoy The Travelling Cat Chronicles by Hiro Arikawa then.

        It’s about a journey a cat takes with his human in order to find a new home. The cat’s voice is very sarcastic and funny, which is exactly how I imagine cats to be.

        2. Bumpjumper*

          Are these kid friendly? I have a 12 year old who is a cat lady. She wears cat ears every.single.day and would just go bananas for a book like this.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I’d definitely say The Travelling Cat Chronicles is fine for a 12-year-old. It does have sad elements but nothing that a 12-year-old can’t handle i.e. death of parents etc., but it’s accessible for someone your daughter’s age.

    3. Tau*

      I read Deep Undercover by Jack Barsky, which was really interesting – the real-life story of a KGB spy from East Germany in the United States who basically faked his death in order to stay when the recall order came. Something of a change from my usual SF/F fare, but since I’m from the former West and living in the former East I’ve been trying to learn more about the GDR and the Cold War and the book caught my eye in a bookshop. (I’ve also been meaning to read more in German, and only realised after the fact that the book was a translation from the original English – oops.)

    4. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      Just finished Sarah Kendzior’s The View From Flyover Country, and I’m halfway through Nicola Yoon’s The Sun is Also a Star.

    5. Adele*

      I read Stranger in a Strange Land 40-some years ago and loved it. About 10 years ago I chose it for my book club read. I was in my 40s and all other members were women in their 20s. While re-reading it I was horrified at how badly written and sexist it is, not to mention boring. At our meeting, everyone was dismayed that I recommended the book. I was so embarrassed. But at least we can use the word “grok” insousiantly.

      1. foolofgrace*

        I agree. After reading it I remember thinking what an old goat Heinlein was. I never went on to read anything else by him. Sounds like your book club meeting about this book was lively, though!

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        I’m just at part three (about a half of the way through the book) and I’m definitely seeing the sexism. Jubal Hershaw – I’m not sure if he’s supposed to be a sympathetic character or not but I don’t like him. All that nonsense of “fanny-patting” and how the women seem to enjoy it (like Becky for example), and then there was that scene where Anne, Miriam, Dorcas, and Jill all took turns kissing Mike – I mean what the hell?!?

        It’s definitely not what I expected. I was hoping to have the story from Mike’s POV but Heinlein is getting bogged down in legal and political rubbish.

        I’m disappointed by it but I’m going to finish it.

        1. Adele*

          Juba is a hero, the man to admire. Heinlein was a champion of the free love movement–back when men only saw it as something to benefit them.

      3. Mephyle*

        Very similar experience to Adele’s. I read Stranger in a Strange Land when I was about 12 or 13 and I was reading all science fiction indiscriminately and almost exclusively.
        I haven’t re-read it since, but from the little I remember, I’m sure that I would have a similar reaction now. One sentence still sticks with me (quoting in paraphrase, since I don’t remember the exact wording). From the back I thought she was about 18, but when she turned around, I upped my estimate to 25. Even without re-reading the book, my reaction to the viewpoint enshrined in that sentence has changed drastically from the age of 12 to 60-something.

        1. Mephyle*

          Oops, I messed up the closing italic element. I think you can tell what I was trying to do there.

      1. CAA*

        Oh, that is awesome! When we went to Oslo last year, one of my must-sees was the Kon-Tiki museum. I can remember watching the documentaries about Heyerdahl’s Ra II expedition when I was a kid and that got me to read Kon-Tiki, so it was a big thrill to see the original raft. Even though his theories about Polynesian migrations have been disproved, I still really admire his adventurous spirit.

    7. Cece*

      I read Eileen by Otessa Mosfegh (she wrote the recently released “My Year of Rest and Relaxation”) – I loved it! It’s a little odd (very odd) but the writing is great and the plot is really well done

      Also just read Summer by Edith Wharton – had never read a Wharton novel before and it was great. Even though it was published 101 years ago the themes are still applicable to today and I thought her writing (especially the mirroring of the nature/weather to what was happening to the main character) was beautiful

      Appreciate others’ book recomendations!

    8. hermit crab*

      I started a new job recently (this is relevant to the thread and is not about work, I promise) and my team works on climate resilience issues. Appropriately, my new boss and co-workers are all really into “climate fiction” aka “cli-fi” and recommended the Burning Worlds column on the Chicago Review of Books website. It’s amazing, you guys!! I love all kinds of disaster/apocalypse/dystopian fiction so now I am basically treating it as my personal reading list. The actual Burning Worlds posts are super cool too.

      1. StellaBella*

        That sounds so cool! I will check it out – studying coastal flooding and health and well-being for my MSc thesis now, so thanks for something else to read after I am done with university in 4 weeks!

    9. Hera Syndulla*

      I’ve finished the Sci-Fi novella Binti by Nnedi Okorafor.
      While it is very well written and has an interesting premise, it has some events that are completly ignored at the end and had no consequences whatsoever which made it a bit weird at the end. 3/5 stars.

      I’ve just started: Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman. Gaiman is an amazing writer, so I’m pretty sure that I won’t be disapointed.

        1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

          I love Good Omens! I have a very battered but treasured copy, with my favorite parts dog-eared. Highly recommended.

      2. Ann O.*

        I feel like Nnedi Okorafor does that a lot in her books. I love her writing and worldbuilding, but her plotting not so much.

      1. Adele*

        I think Ghost Road is part of a trilogy, or at least Barker has a couple other WW1 books. They inspired me to go one to read many other WW1 histories, novels, and memoirs.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          It is, it’s the last book in the trilogy. I didn’t realise that when I picked it up but while I’m sure the other two would add to the story, the book is fine on its own.

    11. Cringing 24/7*

      I’ve just today finished Against Empathy by Paul Bloom and I’m going to either finally read number9dream by David Mitchell or re-read Who Fears Death by Nnedi Okorafor next (a favorite).

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I think I’ve read all of them by now, but I vastly prefer the earlier novels. Once the children grow up, it gets to be a bit much. I am not a fan of Nefret.

    13. Parenthetically*

      I’m in Perpetual Reread mode (due to small busy child life craziness I just don’t have the headspace right now to tackle new books and am frankly just grateful for the bandwidth to read at all) so I’m currently rereading Have His Carcase having just finished Strong Poison.

      1. Book Lover*

        Oh, nice! I keep meaning to go back to Wimsey. You might consider Dick Francis as a relaxing follow up. I always find they feel like a reread even when they are new to me :)

      2. Thursday Next*

        Totally feel you on the lack of bandwidth. Rereading is awesome. Dorothy Sayers is also awesome. Gaudy Night might be my favorite.

    14. Book Lover*

      Just finished Fangirl and was a bit disappointed. Fair enough, it was about a girl who was obsessed with a series and wrote fanfic, but it didn’t really show actual fandom – with communication with other fans, conventions, so on. It was very readable but all too tidy, with the roommate who fixed her anxiety about going to the cafeteria, a guy who was instantly in love with her, etc. Oh well.

      1. Ey-not-Cy*

        I would recommend Geekerella by Ashley Poston for a fun take on fandoms. It’s young adult like Fangirl, and I think Levi is just the best book boyfriend ever. But, I can see how you would be disappointed if you were looking for fandom things.

        I’m currently reading Black Wings Beating by Alex London, and Salt by Hannah Moskowitz, (an ARC). Next on my list is Dread Nation by Justina Ireland and From Twinkle, With Love by Sandhya Menon. I’m a high school librarian, so I read mostly YA. My summer is over tomorrow.

    15. Dr J*

      I am getting back to my love of classical mythology. Just finished listening to Circe by Madeline Miller, which was amazing and totally engrossing and the narrator, Perdita Weeks, is perfect. Now I’m reading Lavinia by Ursula LeGuin, which I definitely recommend for anyone who likes poetry. (The book isn’t poetry, but the character Lavinia is aware that she’s a poetic invention–it’s neat.)

    16. MsChandandlerBong*

      I’ve been convalescing, so I have a lot of time to read! I finished Stephen King’s “The Outsider” (loved it), “Reel of Fortune” (book #12 in the Miss Fortune mystery series), and “They Won’t Be Hurt,” a thriller by Kevin O’Brien. Enjoyed them all, but especially liked “The Outsider.” It was very “Stephen King does Twin Peaks”-ish.

      1. Lemonworld*

        I read “The Outsider” earlier this summer and absolutely loved it. Have you read “Dr. Sleep”? It’s also fantastic and although technically a sequel to “The Shining”, you don’t need to have read “The Shining” to enjoy “Dr. Sleep”.

        1. MsChandandlerBong*

          I have not! For someone who reads a lot, I have read very few of King’s books. I think I’ve only read “Carrie,” “Nightmares and Dreamscapes,” “Gerald’s Game,” and “The Outsiders.” I will see if the library has the e-version.

    17. MarisaNova*

      Thought to start over again with the Classics, so began with Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain. I could not make it past page 25. Hate to admit this, but I was bored, especially with Twain’s writing style. The horror to say it. So… I am back to my Amish mystery series, and after that Sir Conan Doyle.

    18. Wulfgar*

      I just read “Silent Companions,” a Victorian horror story. “Then She Was Gone” is a modern day thriller. “The Ship” is a modern day retelling of the Ark story. Narrator is not likeable at first, but give it a chance. I’m currently reading “The Martian,” and I Read “Artemis” last week.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Oo, what did you think of Artemis?

        I read it last week as well. I didn’t think it was anywhere near as good as The Martian but I still enjoyed it.

    19. Woodswoman*

      I’ve been working in the environmental field my entire adult life, but hadn’t yet read what’s considered a classic, Aldo Leopold’s nonfiction “A Sand County Almanac.” It’s great to finally dive in.

    20. Anonymosity*

      I’ve been re-reading a lot of stuff. Which is hilarious, since I have a TON of books on my Kindle I haven’t got around to yet, LOL.
      I suspect it’s a way to avoid thinking too much. Or being influenced when I’m trying to work out a story.

    21. Lemonworld*

      Just finished “Cabin at the End of the World” by Paul Tremblay. It’s solidly in the horror/suspense genre with a whiff of possibly the supernatural that’s kind of his trademark – you just never know whether what you’re reading is solidly rooted in actual reality or if there’s something otherworldly going on.

    22. Aurora Leigh*

      Alien Research by Gini Koch. This a really fun series! They’re basically romance novels mixed with fun sci-fi elements, and a kickass heroine. It’s mind candy — perfect for summer! The first in the series is called Touched by an Alien.

  10. Otillie Rae*

    I seem to have injured my hip this week. Beavers have been trying to build a dam inside a culvert on my road. So I spent three hours chest-deep in water, putting my body into odd positions and pulling (and pulling and pulling) on the mass of sticks and branches, trying to get water flowing again. When I came out (tiny bit of anti-beaver progress achieved, yay), everything hurt. After 36 hours it had narrowed down to a muscle in my left hip, which has been throbbing brutally against my sciatic nerve ever since.

    It’s either the most bad-ass or the most banana-pants way to injure myself ever. I can’t tell.

    But my question for y’all: How do I pain? I’ve lived a ridiculously healthy and pain-free life thus far (I’m in my 50s). I’ve never experienced anything like this. I just want to (I sometimes do) lie on the couch and cry. I’m taking Advil, applying heat, applying ice, doing as little moving as possible except every hour or two getting up to take an extremely slow walk to the bathroom or fridge. Pain gets better and then gets worse at random. All of this conforms to the approximately forty-seven quadrillion websites I have visited on the topic thus far. (Universal advice: Self-care for several weeks; if no change, see a doctor.)

    I know how privileged I am to have lived without pain this long. I know lots of y’all have dealt with this intimately for a long long time. How do you cope? Strategies for, well, anything? Sleeping, eating, sitting, maintaining a sense of humor? I live alone (way way out in the woods, hence beavers) with no one nearby who can help with daily activities. (I could muster up some neighbors in a true emergency, but don’t want to burn goodwill for small stuff.) Can I even drive? Should I get crutches? (Spoiler: I have some on order, because desperation.) What does a person DO during the interminable nights spent just lying there throbbing? Are there ways not to cry? Can I pay someone to send me “You poor baby!” texts every few hours? (I WOULD PAY ALL THE MONEY.) How quickly does one burn up goodwill with friends when it comes to pain? When does attempting to run errands make things better and when does it make stuff worse? When does self-pity make things better (and vice versa)? How do I reassure my cats, who are following me around staring at me befuddled? What other questions do I not even know how to ask because I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THIS.

    Thank you hugely.

    1. Jemima Bond*

      Go to the doctor. They may be able to prescribe a more effective painkiller, give advice re other stuff, refer for physiotherapy if appropriate. Lying awake in pain, not being able to complete household tasks and ordering crutches on the Internet =/= fine – you need some help!

      Also – you poor baby *pats Ottilie Rae gently on the shoulder*

    2. Fiennes*

      If there’s any way to have some help, get it. If there are friends and/or family members who would either visit you or welcome you for several days, just very basic assistance with meals and such really does a lot. Also, honestly, other humans are distracting—and it’s always worse when you have the time & silence to brood on the pain.

      Take antiinflammatories like Advil, and depending on how your stomach handles that stuff, you may be able to take one or two extra on a dose. (Do not go over this without okay from a doctor. But up to that is still slightly less than prescription doses of the same.)

      Also, I’d go ahead and see a doctor now. Your pain levels sound really high; there’s no need to wait out six weeks with this.

      Good luck!

    3. PolicyChick*

      Go to the doctor. You might just need a steroid shot or a short course of Rx painkillers to get on track. Besides being miserably in pain, you can actually end up doing more damage to yourself – if you are ‘compensating’ for the pain (changing your gait, etc) you can put stress on your other muscles and joints. Don’t wait!

    4. Rebecca*

      As a mid 50’s I can tough it out person, I say go to the doctor! I had a bout of sciatica, and was in so much pain I couldn’t sit, stand, sleep, anything, and the doctor gave me steroids and pain killers (only 10 pills) so I could sleep. Best decision I ever made.

    5. Thlayli*

      This does sound like worse than usual pain. I would recommend a doctor or physiotherapist as it sounds like a pulled muscle.

    6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      This is a pretty badass way to injure yourself, IMHO. But also, you poor baby!

      I second going to the doctor. You might have done something a little more serious than you realise.

    7. misspiggy*

      This is my life – I get ligament injuries like that every other day (EDS). Ice and plenty of rest, plus frequent gentle movement, are the key. Lie down and play mobile games or watch TV for a bit, get up and do some light tasks, repeat. And anti-inflammatory gel. Don’t carry anything heavy for at least two weeks, possibly more. Go for short walks and do things like light cooking, but don’t do laundry, just let it pile up. Much better to catch up when you’re better than constantly re-injure yourself (also my life).

      You will have a weak spot there for a while. I’d suggest getting some physio or Pilates exercises to do in the medium term, to strengthen your core and avoid repeating the whole cycle.

      And I’m very sorry, it’s grim and you deserve all the gentle hugs!

      1. misspiggy*

        Also – I wouldn’t apply heat directly, as it can make things worse if you don’t know what you’re doing. Just keep your body and the surrounding air warm (apart from when you’re applying ice of course…)

    8. Anona*

      Go to the doctor. I’d specifically ask about physical therapy, and non narcotic painkillers. Physical therapy seems simple but can be so helpful!

    9. Tau*

      Nthing go to the doctor! If you’re in pain that’s strong enough to interfere with your day-to-day life, that’s an issue.

      I don’t have chronic pain issues (thank god!) but I do have recurring headaches that may be weird migraines or possibly mild cluster headaches. (Spoiler alert: “mild” is not saying very much when it comes to cluster headaches.) My strategy for those are:

      – distraction, distraction, distraction. This could be reading something that doesn’t require much brainpower, playing some video game that also doesn’t require much deep thought, chatting with friends (about something other than the pain). The single worst thing I can do is sit there and think about how much pain I’m in, although sometimes it’s unavoidable.

      – adhesive cold gel pads. If cold helps your pain, these may be worth looking into – cold is one of the only things that helps mine and there’s been a significant improvement in the quality of Tau’s headache life since I discovered them. These are pads that you don’t have to freeze or refrigerate which stick to your skin and give a few hours’ worth of cooling. They are probably some kind of witchcraft and they are amazing.

    10. Rookie Biz Chick*

      If you’re open to it, chiropractic may be an option. One with a solid reputation and x-ray and other equipment in house.

    11. It costs HOW much?*

      Oh ho ho ho. Sciatic nerve pain is nasty!

      I had it start during a pregnancy and have random flair ups. Icy Hot, ibuprofen, and laying on the floor with my feet up a wall. Plus time and distraction.

      Stretching helps a bit too, if just keep everything loose when it wants to tighten from the pain. Thats more preventative than anything else. Compensating from pain can cause its own issues.

    12. Gaia*

      This does not sound like “normal wait a few weeks before seeing the doctor” level pain. If it is the muscle you might have actually injured in, in which case you need to get that treated.

      I pulled my hip flexor a few weeks back and HOLY BATMAN you don’t realize how much you use that muscle until it hurts to use it even a little. I’m a tough cookie when it comes to pain but my butt was in that waiting room at the doctor so quick.

      Until you can see the doctor, the advice I got was to focus on ice, not heat (heat can increase inflammation in some cases) and to move a little but if that spikes pain – stop. Listen to your body.

      Poor you, I really do hate that it hurts like this!

    13. fposte*

      Agreeing with go to the doctor; one distinct possibility here, with the level of pain, activity described, and location of the pain, is a disk thing. That doesn’t mean that Action Must Be Taken, but it’ll help you get a better idea of next steps. In the meantime, you’re trying the right things; I’d add frequent little walks when you can, which is beneficial for everything as long as it doesn’t it seem to be, like, breaking a bone.

      As for learning how to pain, this is a developed over time thing–you don’t have to make all these decisions at once. Unfortunately, it’s often when the pain subsides somewhat that it gives you a clearer idea of what to do positionally, but you can start thinking about that.

      I’m a huge believer in tools and accommodations–crutches, shower stools, timers on hard-to-reach lights, extra supplies on each floor if it’s relevant, etc. With the description of your living situation, I’d keep a deep bench of supplies so that you didn’t need to make a trip at the worst moment possible. Whether driving makes things better or worse depends on you, but you’ll probably start getting a more specific idea of what makes pain worse or better, and you can start thinking about ways to adjust your car with either controls or padding. Maybe you need to be closer to the floor, or your left foot needs to rest on something higher, or your pelvis needs to be tilted forward rather than back so you need to have a seat that doesn’t tilt backward. Maybe you need to be sitting up straighter, or less straight.

      Part of your task here is moving stuff off the list. The cats will adjust; you don’t need to reassure them. Most household tasks are more optional than popularly presumed. Let them go, or if you can hire somebody for stuff, now’s a good time to do that, including grocery delivery and Amazon shipping. IMHO, self-pity is reasonable but also an unrewarding hobby, so you want to balance it out as much as you can with good input (I like comedy for this).

      Oh, and poor baby! Hurting a lot really sucks, and I think it’s possible that your inexperience is leading you to underestimate what you’re going through.

    14. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Oh dear! Is it by any chance more like a pain in your butt vs your hip? If so, you’ve got something called piriformis syndrome and I’m very sorry. Or you possibly wrenched your back and that’s triggering the sciatic nerve and you have a pain in your hip. Either way, I am very sorry. It sucks. When you trigger a major nerve like the sciatic, it can be a struggle to calm it down. And this isn’t an injury you can rest your way out of, it’s not like a cramp you can stretch better and it does not heal as linearly as regularly pulled muscles. It also doesn’t react the same so it’s not like you do a thing and it feels worse or better. You just have to develop your routing and keep at it and things will slowly improve.

      Give this a few days in the hope it goes away on its own, and then go see a doctor to get the right diagnosis. There are different exercises depending on whether it’s your piriformis or spine that’s causing the problem. For some self-education, check out the physicialtherapyvideo guys on you tube: Bob and Brad. They’re hysterical in a low key midwestern way and give good advice.

      As for pain management, I found that nothing really touched the pain but Advil or alieve are most recommended due to their anti-inflammatory properties. Ice packs are awesome. I also use a rice pack for heat therapy at night. I tried arnica and icy heat but they didn’t really help. I also got a short prescription for muscle relaxants which I took only at night. I had it for a bit before getting treatment and the muscle relaxants helped calm things down and helped me sleep which calmed me down. I developed piriformis syndrome during my recovery from a broken ankle. I’m about 8 weeks in with PT for that and the ankle and I’m still feeling piriformis pain but the sciatic has significantly calmed down. I’m doing a lot of ab and glute exercises. I have a daily floor routine of stretching and strengthening first thing, then a walk, then more stretching, then I start my day with many stretch breaks. I hope you recover soon!

      1. fposte*

        I thought of piriformis as well. I would also note that even if the original site of injury is to another area, the piriformis can tighten up and hurt like hell in response; I have stenosis and disk stuff that causes sciatica, but sometimes the piriformis jumps on the bandwagon too, and it’s a lot easier to back that off. IMHO it never hurts (well, it almost always hurts, but you know what I mean) to try the sitting on a tennis ball technique to see if that seems to help anything.

    15. Penguin*

      Oh no! Sympathy for your pain, that’s awful! I’m so sorry.
      I don’t have any pain advice (I hope the things others have posted help!) but if you ever want to talk about dealing with beavers (I used to work with… er, against… them) give a shout.

    16. Not So NewReader*

      Do get others involved. Ask a neighbor or a good friend to check on you at least once a day. If you pick someone who also lives on their own you can tell them you will return the favor, if need be.

      You keep goodwill by spreading requests around. If you lean on one person too much they will burn out. So you get a couple of people if possible.

      Don’t avoid crying. Crying is natural, it helps to keep our brains healthy and in turn MAY help to relieve a tiny amount of pain. Pain seems to get worse the harder we try to keep our emotions in check.

      The animals will know there is something wrong. When I threw out my back the hardest part was watching my dog watch me. My dog got a lot of comfort out of seeing another person come over even just for a short bit.

      I found that I started pulling and tearing muscles in the last few years. I added a collagen powder to my routine. I mix it with water and drink it down twice a day. I have quit pulling/tearing muscles. Aging, it’s a Thing.

      Definitely see a doc. This is not something that should go on and on. You want to know that your body is healing itself. Not trying to be scary but there are things that will heal up just fine if dutifully taken care of.

    18. Otillie Rae*

      Holy cow, thank you to everyone. It is a little surprising how much it helps to hear “poor baby” and kind wishes…it makes a real difference.

      I can’t write too much now (because pain) but I’ll just add that from what I’ve read, piriformis syndrome sounds exactly right (fits my symptoms to a T). And I’ll be heading to a doctor after the weekend.

      I tend to push myself pretty hard (“I will dismantle this beaver dam with my bare hands!”) but I’m going to work on the whole “Otillie, just for now it’s enough to breathe in and out and make it through the day. You can prove All The Things later” mind-set.

      Thank y’all, srsly. Wow.

    19. anonagain*

      Being in pain — any kind of pain — is really hard. I hope your doctor’s appointment is useful and that you feel better soon.

    20. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Self care is great, but a few doses of a prescription-strength anti-inflammatory or muscle relaxer might be what you need. When I was in my 20’s, had traumatic crush/twisted foot, could not walk. No fracture, just muscle strain. A few doses of muscle relaxer later, it was like brand new.

    21. Quandong*

      I’m sorry you’re in this much pain. From what you describe it’s not a minor level of pain, it’s affecting you quite badly, and ‘wait and see if it goes away’ is not a good approach.

      If you have any painkillers with anti-inflammatory properties, I suggest taking them while you are waiting for your doctor’s appointment. You may like to experiment with sleeping propped up / adding cushions / sleeping in a recliner.

      One suggestion I haven’t seen made by other posters is to listen to music you enjoy. A study in 2008 found that pain perception was affected by listening to music vs silence – people had increased tolerance of pain, and increased perceived control over the pain. Their anxiety also decreased.

      Something you may find useful at the appointment is how you rate on a few different ‘pain scales’ – because doctors can often ask ‘how do you rate your pain level on a scale of 1 to 10?’ and it’s not always easy to respond. If you’re interested, search for ‘pain scales’ and look for some that have descriptions of what the numbers 1 – 10 mean in terms of how you function & how you’ve been affected by the pain.

      Best wishes for a speedy resolution to your pain and discomfort.

    22. Triple Anon*

      If it’s so bad that you can’t sleep and you can’t drive, you should seek help. It’s hard to make good decisions when you’re in pain. So listen to everyone here. If you can’t do basic things that you need to do, go to the doctor even if you have to ask someone for a ride.

      People have made a lot of good suggestions about dealing with pain. Additional things that can help: baths, herbs, meditation, thinking about the pain and mentally soothing it and summoning strength to overcome it. I know how wishy washy all of this sounds, but we have natural hormones (and neurotransmitters, to get technical) that interact with pain receptors and can help us to feel better. Pain meds work by stimulating that whole system. But you can have some affect on it yourself. You want to put yourself in that post-work-out state of mind – full of adrenaline yet calm and kind of euphoric. That is a natural response to pain. If you focus on it, you can learn to exaggerate it and help it to work better.

    23. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Go to the doctor now and see if you can’t get something to help ease the muscle pain and reduce the inflammation.

      What worked for me (and oh yeah, I hear you on the interminable nights – some nights it felt like i would never get to sleep ever again) was doing guided meditation to at least take my mind off things for a half hour. I actually managed some intense nerve pain one weekend (doctor closed until Monday and I was NOT hauling myself up to the hospital again, and nothing was even coming close to touching the pain) with meditation and focused breathing. I used meditainment, an app on the phone, but I imagine there are others. Every once in a while I still use it when I have had a stressful day at work or just need to get my mind in the right place.

      Hip muscles rubbing against nerve are no fun – I still have this problem although I just have a numb toe rather than active pain. I think what you are doing right now is about the best that can happen until that muscle cuts it out and stops hitting the nerve.

  11. the normal neighbor*

    Has anybody ever had experience with awful & abusive neighbors? This all happened about a month ago…

    We’ve lived at our house for just over 3 years and never had any issues. Recently, the house next door was up for rent and new neighbors moved in. About 2 weeks later, we had friends over for an afternoon barbecue (around 15 people total) and at around 8pm our neighbors shouted over the back fence to turn our music off and started swearing at us. The music definitely wasn’t loud and it was only 8pm on a Saturday night! My husband went outside to speak to him and the next thing we know, the neighbor threatened to stab him (!!!) so I phoned the police. His pregnant girlfriend ran at me and clawed my face to try to grab my phone, presumably to keep me from calling the police, because as it turns out her boyfriend is on probation for a separate offense. Fighting ensued between the men and the police came, arrests were made…and intimidating behavior over the next few weeks followed…until they finally moved out last weekend. It was all terrifying and so embarrassing and humiliating – all of our other neighbors were outside watching. Very Jerry Springer.

    To say it was traumatic is an understatement, I’m scared to open our back doors and windows still, let alone leave the house on my own. We found out the man’s past offense and it’s extremely violent – he was on a life sentence and his probation is apparently valid for the rest of his life because he was released early. They moved out, but we know they still live in the area and I’m absolutely terrified that if he gets charged because of this, he will go back to prison and his family will blame us and try to get back at us. We’ve purchased CCTV and are being vigilant about locking doors and whatnot, but I really don’t know how to cope! :(

    1. Rosemary7391*

      That is really unpleasant :(

      Positives – they’re no longer next door!

      Have you got any contact at the police to give you advice/support? They might be able to suggest things to make you feel safer.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve never experienced neighbours like this but I know there’s definitely some like that out there.

      There was a news story from Poland very recently about a woman who was arrested after playing an aria from a popular opera at top volume, for all hours of the days and nights, every day for 16 years after one neighbour was a little loud one night.

      People be crazy.

    3. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Well, that is disturbing.
      My only advice here is if you can go to the police and ask them for advice. Considering they threatened you, they can certainly give advice regarding safety. If you’re lucky they might even send extra patrols to your area, though I wouldn’t count on it.
      It might also be a good idea to talk to a lawyer, just in case. If they do decide to harass you, give everything to a lawyer and let them handle it. I doubt a sternly worded letter would do anything, but the more evidence you have against these people the better.

      1. Kathenus*

        Agree with asking for police advice. Also consider asking for a legal restraining order, so that if they do come anywhere near your house they can be arrested. Sorry you’re dealing with this, sounds horrible.

    4. WellRed*

      That sounds awful! I don’t blame you for being scared and think the precautions are a good idea. Also, if they have moved, I think it’s unlikely they will come back to bother you. People like that tend to only see themselves and what’s right in front of them.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah – short attention span and a constant new supply of people who will call the cops on them.

        1. neverjaunty*

          This is very true. People like this rarely have the focus or skills to plan long-term revenge. They tend to have enough current problems.

    5. Baaad Neighbors*

      I had a (good) neighbor that went overseas and hired a property management service to watch their house. They were NOT to rent it. A few months later, I emailed neighbor and told him that I was surprised they had renters. They insisted no one should be in the house. I sent them photos of the cars that stayed in the driveway all the time.

      Long story short…turns out that one of the people who worked at the management service decided to give the keys to her sister, presumably so the sister and the sister’s kids could get out of an abuse situation. (Bad move…while I’m sympathetic to the situation, you don’t give keys to a house your company is being paid to watch to someone!!!)

      Well, of course the sister made up with the boyfriend and he moved in. They were cooking meth and started renting rooms to day laborers. Neighbors couldn’t do anything overseas so they flew in on a surprise trip, went to the house, called the cops…house was TRASHED. Whole thing was in court for awhile. Good Neighbors eventually just sold the house. We moved about a year later out of state for a job relocation.

    6. Not really a Waitress*

      Do you have a dog? When I first separated from my now exhub , I got a dog. It wasn’t for safety at the time, but my kids I ended up moving into a townhome with some sketchy neighbors. My dog was a mini dachshund pup but male so his bark sounded bigger than he did. Plus no one can sneak up on my house. (just ask my lawn guy.)

      five years later, all but one of my kids is out of my house, but my dog is still my loyal protector. I am not a large dog person, but my 17 pound baby with a napoleon complex thinks he is one. I also have no doubt he would take someone out for me. (but that’s a different post.)

      1. Beatrice*

        Seconding the dog, if it’s something that makes sense to you and your family. I had always wanted a dog – and we were without a pet – when a local gang member moved onto our street, and there was a drive-by shooting that involved a bullet striking our house. We got the dog, he’s 55 lbs and he barks and growls at strangers, and I let him.

        Also – the scared feeling will pass with time. One thing that helped me was gathering information…I read everything I could get my hands on about the specific gang and its history and rivalries, local news stories about gang crime, found out who the local players were in my community, read their rap sheets, cyberstalked them a little, etc. I also participated in the legal process for the drive-by shooting as much as made sense – we cooperated with police (we didn’t know much), I filed for information on court proceedings when they made an arrest, and I filed for restitution as a victim (when he was convicted, the shooter had to pay to repair damage to our house). For me, being involved in that process helped.
        That was not helpful to my husband at all, so I didn’t share most of what I learned with him. Talking to other people helped him, so that’s what he did. But for both of us, it took time.

    7. Not Saying*

      Wow. We have been dealing with bad neighbors as well but yours take the cake! We put up cameras in windows all over the house, also we have discussed plans for possible scenarios. It’s scary to think about but you will feel more in control if you plan your reaction ahead of time. For example, we added locks to some of the knobs on our internal doors and discussed how to move through the house if there is an intruder. My husband carries a baseball bat with him whenever he goes from the garage to the house. He bought me a can of pepper spray and I always have it in my hand when leaving the house. When leaving, we quickly look left and right out the door to make sure no one is hiding. Porch lights are on all night. Number for police is in the contacts on my phone (not needed for 911 but for calling in noise complaints, etc).

      1. Not Saying*

        Also clear out any stuff around your porch/yard that could be used to throw through a window or used as a weapon. We had a bunch of summer gardening stuff that we put away.

    8. nd*

      We had bad neighbors a number of years ago. The house was a rental for a number of years that the owner never invested in, just kept renting it. Finally sold it, but the new owner either could not or would not maintain the house and it got worse. Plus he was a hoarder and the house and yards were full of trash and junk. This man was very verbally abuse and, over time, his wife and children left. It was relatively quiet for a while, though he continued to berate us and other neighbors, but then he began renting rooms to really questionable people. We learned most of them were violent felons on parole and we can only guess he met these people through his job as a security guard.

      We had some terrible incidents with some of the renters and witnessed fights between them. The police were constantly being called out. Once the house was surrounded by police with drawn guns; truly terrifying. One of the renters was sent back to prison for possession of a firearm when on parole. We removed all papers and jewelry from our home and placed it in a safe deposit box; we were worried about theft our property and identity. We got cameras and a security system. It was a terrible time.

      Thankfully, the terrible owner was foreclosed and had to move out. However, some of the occupants continued to squat on the property until new owners took possession and gutted the house. For a while, the most frightening of the occupants used to cruise through the neighborhood. I went to the police once after I had an encounter with him. Have not seen him, or any of the other renters since, and suspect they have moved on.

      Long way of say, I’ve been there and I understand. You just need to keep living. But be careful and alert. Don’t be afraid to call the police if you see someone who looks suspicious. Of if you are approaching or leaving your home and feel uncomfortable, drive to the police station. I would not walk in our neighborhood for the longest time, but finally feel safe enough to do so.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Many good suggestions here.
      I would like to add team up with known good neighbors and help each other watch what is going on. Have everyone exchange phone numbers and emails. You only need a couple other households to do this with great success.

      Be sure to ask the police to ask the just for an order of protection. In NY if they violate an order of protection that is a felony.
      I agree with others who said to talk to the police. They will probably know how much of a concern you have on your hands.

      Keep in mind there is an unborn child in this story. That child will bring in other concerned parties and this could be a very busy time for those two people. They could be so busy that they do not have time to think about you.

      Ask the police to notify the landlord if that has not been done. You can also talk to the prosecutor for the case. This might be your county’s DA office. The police can tell you where the prosecuting attorney’s office is. They (the DA) may have a victim’s advocate unit who will work with you.

      I belong to the school of thought that says, the more you let others know there is a problem the less and less likely something will happen. Read through all the suggestions everyone wrote here and pick several well-chosen people to help you work through this. Do not allow yourself to walk alone, it’s too much to expect of one’s self.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Many good suggestions here.
      I would like to add team up with known good neighbors and help each other watch what is going on. Have everyone exchange phone numbers and emails. You only need a couple other households to do this with great success.

      Be sure to ask the police to ask the just for an order of protection. In NY if they violate an order of protection that is a felony.
      I agree with others who said to talk to the police. They will probably know how much of a concern you have on your hands.

      Keep in mind there is an unborn child in this story. That child will bring in other concerned parties and this could be a very busy time for those two people. They could be so busy that they do not have time to think about you.

      Ask the police to notify the landlord if that has not been done. You can also talk to the prosecutor for the case. This might be your county’s DA office. The police can tell you where the prosecuting attorney’s office is. They (the DA) may have a victim’s advocate unit who will work with you.

      I belong to the school of thought that says, the more you let others know there is a problem the less and less likely something will happen. Read through all the suggestions everyone wrote here and pick several well-chose people to help you work through this. Do not allow yourself to walk alone, it’s too much to expect of one’s self.

    11. MatKnifeNinja*

      Don’t worry. The crazy just moved on to harass others. Honestly. I had a guy who lived two doors dow in an apartment that murdered his mom. He had his sentence shortened, and was released. He tore it up with everyone and threatened to burn us out.

      Crazy has a really short attention span. He moved and we never heard from him again.

      I’ve had more bat crap crazy neighbors than I can count.

      Who cares if he gets bounced back into the box? He’s family is blame shifting. Had he not acted like a total asshat, none of this would have happened to him.

      I’d call the police to ask for general guidance. I would not fire up a restraining order. That just puts the scope back on you as the evil jerk, and may fire up the crazy train again.

      For sh*ts and giggles get copies of you town’s noise ordinance laws. For the next time a neighbor loses a screw, you just hand them that.

      Some people have zero tolerance for parties, kid noises (at any time of the day), lawn equipment, pets…the list is never ending. That’s not your problem. Your land, your house, nothing illegal.

      You sound like a really nice, sane person. Remember…

      Never argue with crazy.
      They’ll drag you down to their level.
      And beat you with experience.

      This too shall pass. Hang in their. 30 years of dealing with more kooks than I care to remember.

  12. What is wrong with me?*

    If it was socially acceptable for women in their 30s to remain single, I would. I didn’t like dating in my 20s and I don’t like it now. But I have to do it or else I’d continue to be alone.

    While I appreciate well-meaning people who say ‘it’s okay to be single!’ that’s not my reality. It was fine in my 20s because people would just assume I was waiting for the right time or the right person or whatever (“it’s okay to be single, you’ve still got time!”), but getting to my 30s, it’s not really okay anymore.

    Most of the time I just want a (small) group of friends who share my interests and want to spend time together. I feel like I’m caught in an odd space because I always preferred quiet conversations or brunches over wild partying, and I thought I’d have more people share that preference as we got older but instead they’re getting married and starting families. I’m still the odd one out.

    I like being single, but I don’t want to be alone. I want friends, but it’s not realistic to expect them to all be like me and want remain so. I often find myself wishing I was younger – not for the sake of being young but just so I’d have more time where being like this is considered all right, normal even.

    It’s one aspect of my life where I can’t seem to ‘mature’ properly, like I’ve never properly ‘grown up’ and I don’t know if I ever will. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who’ll change my mind, but the process of getting there is so tedious. You see movies where a woman is happily single (before meeting ‘the one’) and it’s presented as being okay but those characters are almost universally young, so for them there’s still time.

    I’m running out of time.

    1. Justme, The OG*

      Why is it not okay to be single in your 30s? Genuinely asking as a woman in her late 30s who is very happily single.

      1. What is wrong with me?*

        Mostly the friends factor. While a lot of the stuff I love doing (writing, drawing, etc.) are solitary activities, I often wish there were people I could call on to have brunch or go to a show with. I may be introverted but I don’t want to be alone all the time.

        I know the logical thing here would be go out and make friends but most people my age have husbands/families and it’s difficult to make time to go out, and the singles ones will eventually go down that route as well.

        There’s also the family pressure issue, but that’s probably not in everyone’s case so I won’t elaborate.

        1. Jacquelyn*

          I am married but still spend a significant amount of time with my friends (single friends, married friends, friends with kids alike) so just because your friends are getting married doesn’t necessarily mean your social life will suffer. If you propose meeting up for brunch, do your friends say they are too busy?

          Maybe you just haven’t met your people. I have never liked partying either – conversation and brunch is much more my style too (and was in my early 20s as well). Keep looking for your people!

          A lot of people say that once their friends have kids, they go off the map. That hasn’t been my case at all so it is possible to maintain friendships at all life stages!

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            I have friends I dearly love, but from whom I’ve drifted away because I now have Mr and Little Jules, and I want to spend time with them too, and time is limited. It’s possible to maintain friendships, but the challenge is real. And it’s hard to find new friends as an adult, because of that limited time problem.

            The best solution has been for my friends to join my family activities, and I make a point to invite them. I try to carve out some time to see them alone, but it’s not easy. Wiwwm has a valid, real concern.

            1. Libervermis*

              I certainly enjoy when my friends ask me to join their family things, since it’s often the only way I get to see them. I’m in the same position as Wiwwm in that I’m single and the vast majority of my friends and acquaintances are partnered, often with children. Their first priorities are (rightly!) their families, and it can get lonely even though I love my independence.

              I’ve found that explicitly asking the people I trust most to include me sometimes really helps. I’ve also found that getting involved in a couple different communities Doing A Particular Thing is good – it’s a real outlay of energy at first, and some groups don’t work out, but given time I’ve found one or two where I’ve made connections.

              I too wish our social structures were not built so exclusively around partners and nuclear families. But here’s another voice telling you that we’re not wrong or broken, you’re not wrong or broken Wiwwm.

            2. Jacquelyn*

              I didn’t mean to sound invalidating of Wiwwm’s concern. I am sorry if my post came off that way.

              The societal narrative often is that once people get married or have children, they have no more bandwidth for friends. This is, of course, true for many people, but I don’t think it has to be the default. In fact, I have seen my friends with young kids more often now than when they were childless (they need and want the support). Of course, we do family friendly activities together (day at the park, meeting up at their house instead of ours, etc) but these aren’t really different from what I enjoyed before (because like the OP, I prefer conversation and brunch to partying as do many people!).

              Please don’t assume that married people and people with children no longer want to be your friend. They might be thinking to themselves that you are the one who doesn’t want to hang out with them and have to put up with their baby crying in the background. If this is not the case, make it known and maybe you will be able to maintain these friendships.

          2. Ainomiaka*

            This is my situation too-my tribe of exceptions to the don’t disturb setting on my phone is 2 families, 2 couples, 2 single people and half of one other couple off the top of my head for friends. But I also think if the OP has said she hasn’t been able to weather that transition we should believe it

        2. hermit crab*

          I’m a 30-something married person without kids (and without plans to have kids) and I spend a lot of time both with single friends and with coupled friends. In my experience, I find that the “can I reliably call on this person to get together” line is not between coupled/single but rather between has-kids/doesn’t-have-kids. My husband and I are pretty independent people with different work schedules and we both spend plenty of time with our own friends. I know not all couples are like that, but I think the single/not-single thing might be a bit of a false dichotomy when it comes to making friends and socializing. And just because someone is married doesn’t mean they are going to have kids and disappear on you. :)

          My other recommendation (and I know I say this a lot, sorry) is to not limit yourself to friends your own age. Several of my close friends are single women who are 15 or 20 years older than I am, and they’re my go-to people for “let’s meet up at this interesting event”-type activities.

        3. MindoverMoneyChick*

          WIWWM. – I went through this hard in my 30s. I was married but didn’t want kids and felt that made me immature and out of sync with my friends. My husband is awesome but one person wasn’t enough to meet my social needs, even though I’m an introvert also. What helped was hooking up with a social group of child free adults, both single and coupled. It took a while for this group to start to feel like real friend but it happened. And now that my parents friends have older kids they have more time for me as well. Life goes unexpected directions and I’m pleased with my social connections now. But through much of my 30s I really felt like I was doomed to a lonely life.

    2. Daria Grace*

      I know a bunch of smart, successful women who could write a post much like this. I could truthfully write one like this. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s our social structures that are broken in ways that are particularly toxic for single people. I feel abandoned and like the odd one out all the time.

      1. What is wrong with me?*

        I don’t know if I’d consider the structures broken. If it’s the path most people choose that’s the definition of ‘normal’ and it’s just hard to realise I don’t share a lot of those wants.

        1. Daria Grace*

          I mean the structures are broken in that people who are single by choice or circumstance frequently having trouble finding the companionship and support they needed as our social structures are so orientated around romantic love and the nuclear family

    3. Barbara*

      It’s perfectly okay to be single at any age.
      After one marriage and one long relationship I am single. I enjoy it. Some well intentioned people tell me I could date again but I tell them I am not interested.
      I am on my 40’s so things are maybe easier for me. Many friends are women my age who are divorced and alone too.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I also believe it cycles back where it is okay for a person to be on their own. I saw that in my 40s also. People seemed to respect my statement, “I am okay here.”

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m coming up to my 30s and fully expect to spend them single as well.

      I am so happy by myself and with my own company. I don’t feel the need to have romance in my life. I’m open to the possibility but I’m very much of the mindset that “if it happens, it happens” but I don’t feel the need to go out and look for it.

      Saying that – out of everyone that I went to school with (I left school in 2006 and I’m now 28) I’m the only one not married/pregnant/had children. I’m viewed by the people where I’m from as being the weird old spinster, which frankly is just ridiculous. I’m 28. I’m still young, but because I didn’t follow the path that my peers did – marriage, baby, family, and all that jazz – I’m deemed as odd and slightly socially unacceptable, which if I have a couple of mint juleps (not Southern, just really like that) then I am but that’s the alcohol not the lack of babies coming out of me.

      Also, fun fact I learned when I looked up the etymology of the word spinster (I’m an ESL teacher so I like to know). Back in the days of old when it was a thousand times worse for women than now, spinster literally meant a woman who spins for a living. There were very few jobs that women could have and spinning was one of them. They were typically among the wealthiest as well because they could afford their independence and they weren’t made to marry for money or home. In fact, many women chose to remain “spinsters” because they couldn’t find a man who could “bring all things to the heart”, which is such a nice way of saying they had high standards.

      So – society sucks for pressuring women to consider themselves fulfilled and complete through another person, and we also need to reclaim the word spinster because the root of it is kind of awesom.

      2. KatieKate*

        Do you have a solid source for the spinster story? I’ve heard that before but I’ve also heard it’s a myth because spinning was typically a lower paying job, unlike weaving which you needed a loom for (and could buy with your husbands money.) thanks!

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Zsuzsa Berend (Summer 2000). “‘The Best Of None!’ Spinsterhood In Nineteenth-Century New England”. Journal of Social History.

    5. Lynne*

      I’m 37 and female and I like being single. It isn’t perfect, but then neither is being married; you just make different trade-offs. Personally, I see people who are coupled up, and even if they’re happy overall, it’s like…they’ve made compromises in their lives *I* have no interest in making. And I’m not about to get hitched just because it’s supposed to be the normal thing that everyone does at some point. These days, I’m not even willing to date anymore, because I can’t imagine wanting it to turn into something serious. I prefer my life as it is – with me the only one in the pilot’s seat, and able to fly wherever I want, no need for consensus decision making. Or for negotiating a fair division of chores, ugh.

      I imagine it helps that I have several friends who are also single and happy enough with that (some do date, but it’s not something their lives revolve around – it’s hardly ever even a topic of conversation). Maybe try to make more friends who are single women, so you don’t feel like such an odd one out? We exist, I promise you. Though maybe more so in some geographies and cultures than others. (I have noticed in conversation that the concept of “happily single” really Does Not Compute for some people I’ve met from other countries – none of my fellow Western expats react that way, and it always makes me glad I’m from a cultural context where this is more or less a reasonable and acceptable life choice. And mildly amused by the shock my cheerful admission of childlessness and husbandlessness occasionally provokes.)

      …In the last couple of years, I seem to have started gradually acquiring more divorced friends, and you’ll probably see this start happening in your social circles too, like Barbara mentioned. Not that that’s something I’d ever wish on people, but it’s where a fairly big percentage of the married crowd inevitably end up. That’s something else to consider if you’re tempted to couple up out of social pressure and not because you genuinely want to – seems a recipe for eventual divorce and bitter regrets that you didn’t listen to yourself in the first place.

    6. BearRamblesOn*

      You need to let go of trying to do what is socially acceptable and do what is acceptable for you. No, really. Eff everyone else. Part of growing up is getting comfortable in your skin and realizing that it is ok to be alone (and do things alone). Of course, this doesn’t mean you won’t have friends, it just means that the shape of those friendships change. Stop looking at movies trying to determine how life should be – that’s not real life!

    7. nep*

      Sorry you’re struggling. But I reckon that in the long run you’ll just keep struggling if you try to force your life into the shape of what you think society thinks it should be.

      …not for the sake of being young but just so I’d have more time where being like this is considered all right, normal even.
      It is all right.

    8. Thlayli*

      I think you’re thinking about this backwards. If you want to be single just be single. It’s not socially unacceptable that I know of.

      However – if you don’t want to be alone then you have to put effort into finding people to spend time with. Making new friends is at least as tedious and difficult as finding a boyfriend, perhaps more so.

      It seems like you just want people / person to spend time with, and you don’t much care if that’s a partner or a friend. The easiest way to feel like you’re “not alone” and have someone to do stuff with is actually to have a string of short term relationships and don’t get too involved. You get all the fun of the honeymoon stage and then once it starts to crash and burn you just say goodbye. You don’t need to put in all the effort of finding someone with long term comparability and you have someone to do lots of fun stuff with.

      In a few years your friends will start getting divorced and so on and you’ll have people to hang out with again

      1. Thlayli*

        Just make sure you double up on contraception and std prevention – pill and condoms. Never have sex with anyone without a confirm without insisting on testing first. Most std clinics will allow you to link your results so if either of you had anything then both of you get the info.

      2. Gaia*

        “In a few years your friends will start getting divorced and so on and you’ll have people to hang out with again”

        OMG I laughed SO HARD. Because it is 100% true.

        1. Girl friday*

          It is and it isn’t, a lot of people just go poly or open these days. Divorce is expensive.

          1. Gaia*

            Divorce has always been expensive. And we still have an insanely high divorce rate. Guarantee some of her married friends will be divorced friends soon.

    9. Lady Jay*

      I feel you. I’m single in my 30s as well. Much as I love the independence and quiet, being alone wears on me too.
      I know you put “mature” in scare quotes, so you know this, but I did want to say that marriage is not any kind of proof of maturity, or reward for it. There are plenty of immature married people out there, and some of the wisest, best people are unmarried women in their 30s or older.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        mog, yes.

        Partnering up is not necessarily a sign of maturity nor is it a sign of full-fledged adulthood.

        I know of a person now who is paired up with someone who will help this person land in jail. Some people will partner with anyone just so they are not alone. The person might use good judgement most of the time, but the partner very seldom uses good judgement to the point where the police have to be called, again and again and again.

        Sadly bad partners are not an uncommon thing. Watch the news and you will see what I mean. It’s in these extreme examples where we can clearly see, “nope, not an adult yet”. There are tamer version of this story going on, such as the partner who refuses to pick up after themselves. This person, too, is struggling with adulthood, yet in different ways.

        The true concern, is not what others think, it’s what you think, OP. You would like someone to go through life with and that is the real thing here.

    10. Marzipan*

      I mean, I’m 41, I’m single, and I like being single. I haven’t particularly found it to be socially unacceptable. Yes, a lot (though not all) of my friends are on different paths, but it’s not really a big deal. (Indeed, one friend used to exclaim, every time she came round, how jealous she was of me getting to live on my own!). And actually, what I’ve noticed recently is that a lot of them have moved through the partnered-and-with-a-young-family stage, to other things. Some, sadly, are splitting up. Others are getting towards being empty-nesters. Others are retraining and pursuing new careers now their kids are a bit older. So, whatever you’re seeing with your grieve now is not set in stone.
      If you like your life, great! If there are bits of it you don’t like so much, I suppose my question would be whether a partner is actually the thing that will reshape your life in a way you want, or whether something else would do a better job of that?

    11. Allegra*

      Have you looked into cohousing communities, or other types of community living? Seems like it would be right up your alley! (In cohousing you keep your own apartment, but you’re part of a larger community.)

      1. Ainomiaka*

        I think this is a good idea-the op doesn’t seem to want to count married people or parents as close friends, so looking specifically for places that will have a high concentration of people in the situation you want. A co housing set up would be a reasonable place to find some. There are occasionally meetup groups for this as well, though it can be hard to know based on descriptions if they’re referring to what the OP would want or meet market looking for dates singles groups, so that’s more high-risk.

    12. Jules the 3rd*

      There are challenges to each lifestyle, single / married / etc. They all take work to be successful.

      The key is whether *you* can be happy in a lifestyle. If you want to partner up long term:
      Try checking your friends group for other single people of your preferred type. Ask them on a date. I (cis het female) have asked out every guy I’ve ever dated. Weird, but it’s worked for me.
      Ask your friends if they know anyone to introduce you to.
      Consider partnering with someone in a non-romantic way – asking a single friend to be a room mate, for example, with the explicit thought of ‘maybe long-term roommate?’.
      I put on-line dating as a last choice, as I have always dated friends or foafs, so I can’t speak to whether on-line’s a good way to go.

      Caveat here: You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Your post is complex enough that maybe a therapist could help you untangle what parts of that unhappiness are current loneliness vs social pressure vs fear of the future. Knowing what’s driving what helps you figure out the best solution.

      My perception of how to make it work for single people, based on some single friends in their 40s, is:
      Be flexible with your friendships – willing to include their kids, and bring up the kids in the group traditions (we have board game days, where sometimes the kids are running wild and sometimes they are at a board; parents take turns monitoring the wild / running a board)
      Do some of the hardest work – hosting. A single friend of ours does Waffle Brunches regularly, the childfree side of my social group is pretty regular there.
      Go out and find groups who share your interests.

    13. Anon for this*

      Commiserating with you here… at 30 and single, in my culture I’m basically over the hill and pretty much going to be a spinster… Do I wish it so? No. It’s lonely when all my girl friends are smug marrieds (or equivalent to since some just don’t want to get legally married), and I have nothing to say when they talk about their husbands or trying to conceive. However, I do NOT see myself as less grown up than them because I’m unmarried.

      BUT. I realize that I had drawn away from my girl friends because at that time, they were mostly all newly married and I had also assumed that they only wanted to hang out with their husbands and not do girls days anymore. I was wrong. So I started reaching back out to some of them this year, and the girls are looking forward to visiting art galleries, doing crafts, etc things their husbands have absolutely no interest in, but are more fun with a companion. It goes both ways to maintain friendships, and it ebbs up and down throughout the years.

      Also, I think in the Western Hemisphere it’s much more accepted now to be a woman in her 30s or 40s and single, and living her best life. If you’re from a conservative culture like I am, I am here in solidarity with you about how it’s not seen as socially acceptable to be unmarried by 30, because it’s seen as “there must be something wrong with you if no man wants you and every woman needs a man in her life.”

    14. Gaia*

      Uh, I’m 33, a female and happily single. I don’t really care for the implication that there is something wrong with me for that.

    15. fposte*

      I’m sorry, WIWWM. That sounds stressful.

      It seems like there’s a lot going on here–have you talked to a professional about it? It’s true that in modern life we’re pretty limited on our rites of passage, so while marriage is becoming a lot less of one than it used to be it’s still cosmetically a stage-of-life measure that’s hard to find an equivalent for. But I do think that’s cosmetic, and that marriage isn’t actually linked to any significant maturation. That doesn’t mean you can’t want it; just that I think being an adult and being married may be two separate challenges.

      I do feel you on the challenge of finding a reliable nuclear group as a single woman. As a never-married woman in my 50s, I’ve thought about that; I’ve been very fortunate to have close long-term friends, but I think I have to be conscious about that as a part of my life and not let introvert stasis take me over. It’s therefore an important part of my retirement planning, since a lot of my social contact comes from work, and why I will probably move into a retirement community at some point.

      Which is a bridge to the great notion of co-housing and intentional communities that’s already been mentioned–if you’re looking toward having a connection that has something external to enforce it beyond the mere voluntary, those can be a really good fit. I also really like the point about making friends who aren’t of your age–my big models for the retirement thing were friends forty years older than I am, and I’m fortunate to have friends twenty years younger.

      And what Gaia says is flip but true–a lot of the people you know who are married now won’t be later on. Life has phases for all of us, and you may be one of a group of single friends again in a few years.

      But I do think this is an important conversation for a lot of us, and that you might find it rewarding to think about what a good life would look like for you, married or not, and whether there are things you could do to make your life more like that.

    16. Triple Anon*

      I’m around 40 and single. I’ve come close to getting married a few times, but the relationships always became more dysfunctional after we made that kind of commitment. I think it was partly taking each other for granted and not making as much of an effort anymore, and partly that it just wasn’t a good fit – there were other issues that seemed like a bigger deal once things got more serious. So I have no regrets. I’d rather be single than unhappily married. And I’m not worried about the social stigma. An awful lot of things come with social stigmas. It’s hard to avoid. So I just live my life and trust that if I’m kind and authentic, good people who share my values will come into my life.

      But here’s the weird part for me. From what I can tell, I’m not single for common reasons. I’ve lived in an area where people commonly stay single, or avoid serious relationships, or choose not to have children. I didn’t have much in common with people there. I like serious relationships. I like children. I don’t think either are necessary for happiness or fulfillment or contributing to society. But I don’t want to live like a twenty-something my whole life, which seemed to be a popular mentality in that area. It’s hard to find people who want a more mature (for lack of a better word) lifestyle but aren’t making marriage and having kids a top priority, or don’t judge people for being single and not having kids. So maybe there’s some common ground there?

      I feel like the odd one out where ever I go. In big cities, I’m old fashioned. In other places, I’m weird because I’m single, I don’t have kids, and I don’t go to church.

      So, I don’t have any advice to offer. But I can kind of relate. I wouldn’t make choices based on what’s socially acceptable, though. It sounds like there is more to it than that. But let the other things drive your choices. Social tastes change, people are weird, and ultimately it’s your life not theirs.

    17. louise*

      I’m mid 30s and no kids. My friends with kids occasionally include me in their things and sometimes that works great, but other times not so well. The ticket for me has been making older friends, including several who are retired and others who still work but either have grown kids or never had any so they don’t have the same home obligations of my same-age friends. I also got involved in local, non-partisan government. There are a ton of things that need to be done to run a city and not a lot of young people have the time to put into that. I’ve ended up with some great friends with common goals as a result. Don’t know if any of that sounds like a possible solution for you, but what someone said above about “finding your people” is exactly what I told my therapist—that it took until my 30s, but I found my people. Although loneliness and discouragement is a cyclical plague, I hope it can become less and less frequent for you.

    18. families!*

      I feel there are several inconsistencies in your thinking that might not stand to scrutiny and I’d encourage you to push back against them.

      The issue of running out of time, while I get where it comes from, is false. What happens if you are say, 35 (or 40 or whatever), and single? you will be put away? “get thee to a nunnery”? Never leave the apartment again? forsake all enjoyment of life? I think like most of us, you will keep trying to carry on as best as you can. We really only run out of time when we die (and none of us knows when that will be). We all, even the partnered and married ones, have disappointments, things that didn’t work out as we hoped or wished or thought they would, but mostly, we keep trying our best.

      Another fallacy is the idea that being single is the same as being alone. As many in this very blog show, you can be married and feel extremely lonely. Friends take work and they change as we and life changes. We have to adapt or find new friends. But mostly for me at least, the way to not be lonely is to be friends with myself, and that, I find missing in your post. When I’m friends with myself, I can go have a great brunch by myself and have a great time and not feel lonely; and inversely when I’m focused on being the only single person, have a terrible time (and frankly maybe not even go out).

      A last thought, the conflict between wanting to be single and feeling you should be somewhere else, to me, is the stuff therapy is made for. I’d suggest exploring what’s going on here so you can find a place where you can live comfortably.

    19. Single In the 50's*

      There is nothing wrong with you. And I’m not sure who is telling you it’s not “socially acceptable” to remain single or why you should feel it’s not socially acceptable in your 30’s or even beyond. Society can go pound sand! Do what feels right for you, not what your think societal pressures or perceived norms should be.

      There’s a lot of conflict in your post. If you enjoy being single, work on building a larger support network of friends and family or a created family (families can be whatever dynamic you define, kids, pets, neighbors, friends, coworkers and even actual family). If you want to find a romantic partner, then take steps to date and actively look for a romantic partner. But realize that neither one of these things makes one a grown up. Being a grown up just means you can take care of yourself financially and be a responsible citizen, it has nothing to do with being single or married.

      And realize that just because people get married, it doesn’t mean they can’t still be lonely. I’ve seen it often when one spouse goes off doing their hobby or thing all weekend. Combined with work, it can mean they don’t even see much of each other even if they do live together. My mom lived like that for 40+ years as dad was always out fishing, hunting, racing, etc. So having a support network is still important outside of the spouse/partner unit.

  13. Newtothisgame*

    I posted a little while ago about joining Tinder and received some great advice. I’m not on there any more as I’ve met a really nice guy and things seem to be going really well.

    I’m completely rubbish at this whole new relationship thing though and I was wondering if anyone can help me with this particular thing… I know I want to ask about (at least recent) past relationships before I get too involved (I got burnt by not doing that last time) but I don’t know how to ask without scaring him off. I was debating about asking what made him join tinder in the first place but this is the sort of conversation I really struggle with so any advice would be really helpful please :)

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      New: I’m years out of the game and weird anyway (friends with about 60% of my exes, including one who roomed with Mr. Jules and me last year), but iirc, somewhere around the 3rd – 5th date, it won’t be seen as weird to include the topic. It’s easier if you think of it as something that will unfold over time, rather than One Serious Discussion. I’ve known several people who married early, divorced by 20, and were uncomfortable discussing it, so it took several conversations before it came out.

      Also iirc, it’s easier if you start with disclosure, like ‘I usually date friends or foafs, which means lots of computer programmers’ or ‘I usually date friends, and we often stay friendly afterwards. My high school prom date just got married to this fantastic woman, I like her a lot.’ (real conversations I’ve had, and she’s still fantastic)

      On the less fun side, ‘Dating can be rough sometimes. This one guy in my friend group would not accept no – I had to keep saying no for two years before he moved on. My boyfriend at the time was Not Amused.’ You can only pull ‘This one guy’ twice a year at most before it starts becoming ‘this one time at band camp’ tho.

      Good luck!

    3. neverjaunty*

      If having a reasonable conversation about something important scares a dude off, he wasn’t the right dude.

      1. Natalie*

        Newtothisgame is asking about *how*, though, that’s a different question than whether or not. There are artless ways to ask about something that normal people might bristle at. If your first conversation on your first date is peppering someone with questions about all of their exes, them taking that as a red flag doesn’t mean they were the wrong person, I guess unless how you ask questions is a deep, inherent part of your personality.

    4. Natalie*

      A lowkey way to get someone to share about Subject is to start with your own experience with Subject.

    5. fposte*

      When you say you got burnt last time, what do you mean? I’m not generally a fan of the “so give me your relationship resume” approach, but I can see wanting to know if somebody was still carrying a torch for the ex who dumped them two weeks ago.

    6. Parenthetically*

      I dunno, I guess my philosophy is, if a guy gets “scared off” by normal adult new-relationship conversations like “so let’s talk about how past relationships have brought us to where we are today…” let him! Scare him off, along with any dude who can’t or won’t have those kinds of conversation! ;)

      If you’re looking for an opening, my tactic with my now-husband was always a very frank, “Hey, I have a topic for us to discuss! What do you think about _________ (kids, career, whatever)?” We did a lot of these chats in the car or on walks — somehow having something to do and being side-by-side rather than face-to-face made it easier to delve into deeper topics.

    7. Newtothisgame*

      Thanks for the suggestions. Yeah, it’s the how to bring it up that is my problem.
      I’ve only had one relationship where I got far enough to be thinking about asking that and I struggled to ask it, particularly since my ex made it an awkward topic to bring up. Ultimately, I never did manage to ask about it and that relationship ended abruptly when I discovered that among a whole host of lies, my ex was more involved with his ex than he told me. Asking that question might have saved me some heartache earlier.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        I got a 101 Quizzes for couples book to do on a road trip together that cover a bunch of that kind of stuff. Made it easy to ask cause it was in the book, and there was a good mix of funny and serious questions. But he was open up front that he had been single for a long time, and I had never dated before, so it wasn’t a big issue for us.

  14. LGC*

    Running thread!

    I don’t think I’ve asked this question lately, but what races (if any) do you guys have planned in the upcoming months, if any? I’ve gone on a lot about my plans, and while technically I’m working with a 12-week plan, it really feels like I’m on a 16 week one.

    Also, in LGC’s Misadventures of the Week (since apparently this is becoming a series now): I forgot that it’s August and thought I could stay late at work and run afterwards (I’m a night owl naturally) without a headlamp. I didn’t realize how quickly the local park gets pitch black (which is…not great when you’re trying to run at half-marathon pace).

    I thought I could hold off on putting my headlamp on, but looks like I’ll probably have to bust it out now. At least when I’m doing 8 PM runs, which normally I try to avoid.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      My next race is the NYCRUNS version of the Brooklyn Half Marathon on October 20. This one doesn’t go out to Coney Island like the NYRR version does. But NYCRUNS — a relatively new organization — puts on great races, so I’m excited. Then, heaven willing, Philadelphia Marathon four weeks later on November 18.

      I’m on my way now to do my long run in Summer Streets in Manhattan. The weather forecast sounds dicey. If I don’t post again later this weekend, someone send a lifeboat!

      Re: long runs after work, I give you lots of credit. I’ve tried that and I’m just too gassed to do it well. Plus, it’s hot out in August at night!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        So about that lifeboat… I ran 6 miles and the heavens absolutely went haywire. I typically run through rain, but this rain storm was literally blinding me. Plus, there was lightning. No bueno.

        I stopped and hung under a bus shelter for 17 minutes until it was safe enough to continue. I managed to run 14 miles as I planned, absolutely soaking wet. My question is, does it go in the logbook as a 14 mile long run, or since I didn’t do it straight through, is it one 6 mile run and one 8 mile run?

        1. Justin*

          I ran the whole summer streets in that blinding rain. It was fun! I figured, lightning will hit the buildings!

          :)

          Races: Percy Sutton 5k, Marathon Tune up, Bronx 10m, Hartford Marathon, NYC marathon, Ted Corbitt 15k.

          1. LGC*

            …holy cow, and I thought I was ambitious!

            (My schedule so far is Racefaster Half, Newport Liberty Half, Norwood 5k, New York Marathon, and probably Ashenfelter 8k. Most of this will probably not make sense to anyone outside of North Jersey, but basically: two half marathons on consecutive weekends, although I’m running one at marathon pace and then trying to go all out on the other.

        3. LGC*

          I mean, my watch decided that for me this morning…I had a 7 and 5 mile run. At least it sounds like you got your goal mileage – I WAS planning on doing 16.

          It was pretty intense. Within about ten minutes of the first visible lightning strike, there were SHEETS of rain coming down. At least this time it wasn’t a surprise (we were running down from Weehawken to Liberty State Park, and when we left the storm was hitting Garden State Plaza and moving east). It was actually a bit scarier when it passed over the Hudson – midtown literally disappeared behind a wall of clouds.

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            How cool. Justin, depending on when you started running, you probably passed me–or passed me coming down the other way. And LGC, Hoboken to Liberty State Park (just a bit shorter than yours) is my next planned long run. Hopefully not in a massive thunderstorm or heatwave. We can only hope. It seems the common theme of my long runs this summer is finishing them absolutely drenched!

            1. LGC*

              …I think that’s been common for EVERYONE in the New York area! (I mean, intellectually I know that the human body is something like 60-70% water. But seriously, I’ve never realized how much water I actually have in me until this summer.)

              I’m mostly fine with the rain (it’s preferable to 80 degrees and 80% humidity), except for the entire shoe situation. Between last weekend and this one, my trainers have taken a beating (at least they’re due to be replaced soon anyway).

    2. LuJessMin*

      My next (and probably last) race this year is the Corndog Classic 5K in conjunction with the Tulsa State Fair. It’s the Saturday before the fair starts and entry fee includes a ticket to the fair. Plus this year there are finisher medals!

      1. LGC*

        Good luck! That actually sounds pretty awesome that you get a ton of swag with the race – both the medal and a fair ticket.

        1. A bit of a saga*

          It’s always been a dream of mine to make it to a US State Fair and I love that the race is called Corndog Classic! Good luck. I’m running a 10k next week along the Copenhagen harbour (past the Little Mermaid I believe)

          1. LGC*

            I’m running a 10k next week along the Copenhagen harbour (past the Little Mermaid I believe)

            Oh, dude, that sounds amazing!

            (I’m actually in the opposite position from you – I’d love to visit Europe, and I always enjoy hearing about where you’ve been.)

    3. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m on the fence about heading to Iowa for the Black Squirrel triathlon this coming weekend. If I do, it’ll be my last tri for the season. Then there are a couple local trail races (5-7k), one in September and one in October. I’ll miss the August due to being out of town.

      1. LGC*

        Good luck with all of those! Especially the trail races – trail is something I’ve wanted to do but never had the time to.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          I’m lucky. There is a state park about half an hour away with a running group every Thursday night. I started going just for accountability and company, but got to liking the trail running.

  15. Ruth (UK)*

    Just a short rant about frustration of a friend (“Jane”) who often asks my advice, and then once she’s received it will just tell me why I’m wrong about it and do what she likes anyway (which often backfires) and then complains to me (and says or implies there’s nothing she could have done to avoid the situation) and also often vastly mis-estimates her own ability to do things or mis-estimates what she might like doing (ie. she’s often unprepared for how difficult, uncomfortable, etc things are). As a general rule, she tends to be quite disorganised and not very practical. In recent years I’ve noticed I am actually drifting further from her and seeing her less often, but I’ve known her a long time, and do still consider her a friend.

    So, she and her partner, (“Jim”) are planning to go camping for the first time possibly ever (if they’ve camped before, it would have been as children maybe and they have no gear). They showed me this camp-stove and cooking pot/pan set up that cost an outrageous amount of money (like over £70) considering they’re going camping as a one-off. They showed it to me very much in the context of asking “what do you think of this?” / “do you think we should get this?” (I later gathered they expected me to say “yes, that is amazing. get that”).

    Also for some money context, I make 16.5K a year (21k in USD) and they’re slightly less well off than me (Jane makes about what I do and Jim is currently out of work). (As an aside, I did not actually bring up their personal money situation with them. I just provided that as context in this post so readers would understand how much the price difference is potentially ‘worth’ within their/my financial situations and therefore points of view).

    Also, I camp a lot. Typically 5 to 7 times per year, every year (and have camped a lot since I was a kid). Typically 3 nights at a time, but sometimes 1 or 2, and occasionally 5 (or more). It’s often on festival sites (I perform at festivals in the summer and get a lot of free tickets), sometimes on campsites, and occasionally more like the softer side of ‘trekking’ type trips (ie. nothing too extreme, but I do do walking-and-camping trips – generally within the UK). I usually do all or most of my own cooking.

    I showed her my camping gear, which includes a 1-hob £10 gas camp stove (or a hexi stove for some situations), and my various camping cookware which cost me typically a couple £ each (a saucepan, frying pan and kettle). I did also say the campstove+set they were looking at did seem a bit extreme and also overpriced for what they needed. (and also heavy as it wasn’t that small).

    I recommended if they’re set on cooking, they get the £10 camp stove if they want to cook (plus the gas cannisters are constantly on buy one get one free in a store near us), and use their own pots/pans from home (they’ll be going by car and staying on a static campsite!). (I also suggested as it’s a short trip they’re planning [2 nights] they could just pack a bunch of snacks/sandwiches etc and maybe visit a chip shop or similar in the evenings.

    They explained to me why the stuff they wanted was SO much better than my stuff… I basically said well, yes it IS better than mine, but not ENOUGH better to justify such a price difference, especially when being bought for a single (short) trip by people who don’t necessarily know if they will then use it again.

    They kept explaining why the set they wanted is so amazing, but also, which frustrated me, talked to me as if I somehow didn’t understand what camping involved, pointing out quite obvious things like the fact they’d be outside and that it might rain as though I hadn’t yet considered this.

    They were very set on convincing me their set was better and worth it, and clearly looking to get me to agree. In the end I ended up saying something along the lines of “it’s your choice what you get for your trip, but if you want my advice, I don’t recommend that one.” which they were very unhappy wit.

    I guess more than them not taking my advice (I don’t really personally care that much whether they blow their money on an expensive stove), I was frustrated that they couldn’t accept that I couldn’t be convinced that it was a great idea (so wouldn’t drop it) and also that they explained to me in quite a condescending way basically what was involved in camping, as if talking to someone who had never camped (when they are the people who have never been).

    They were literally like, “but you see, we won’t have anywhere to plug in electrics” as if I hadn’t realised that (as part of explaining why they couldn’t possibly have a 1-hob stove in case they wanted to cook and also boil the kettle [home kettles in the uk are usually electric]). I said I normally boil my kettle first (and maybe make an initial cup of tea), then cook breakfast/whatever, then put the kettle back on (and being still hot, it boils again in like 30 seconds). They said that sounded ‘too complicated’.

    Anyway, as I said at the start, I have kind of drifted gradually away from this friend in recent years (some mutual friends have moved away and I’ve ended up establishing a different social circle in the last few years – who happen to often be the people I’m camping with). I guess one of the reasons I haven’t tried that hard to stay well connected with her is that I seem to often end up in conversations much like this where she’ll ask my advice/opinion on something and then not like my response (if it’s not ‘yes that’s a brilliant idea, do it’), and then spend a lot of effort trying to bring me round to her way of thinking (and the things she’s asking my advice on are typically as trivial as ‘should I buy this camp stove’ though one was “should I quit my job and run a craft shop” – during which she didn’t like me pointing out that she doesn’t even do any crafts apart from knowing the basics of knitting!).

    2. Thlayli*

      Can you try considering her as the comic relief in your life – like barney Stinson or jack from will and grace. Just say “yes that looks great” and silently laugh to yourself about what an idiot she is. Or do the office deadpan look at an imaginary camera everytime.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Oops, I missed your comment earlier! I think I can try considering it a bit of comedy relief and not feel so involved in it, but I don’t think I could bring myself to say ‘that looks great’ when I don’t think so.

        Often I feel myself just waiting for the aftermath of her decisions – usually after she’s disregarded all sensible advice and forged ahead, it will have backfired in some way, not worked out as planned, turn out awful, or otherwise made her unhappy, and then she’ll come seeking sympathy because everything is against her and going wrong, through no fault of hers because the world is against her… :D

    3. Katherine Vigneras*

      Oh dear. What about this friendship brings you joy? Can you answer their questions in a way that doesn’t drag you into these drawn out conversations? (To the camping cookware set, instead of making a recommendation based on what you do, say “it’ll do the job” and be done with it?)

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        I guess not much if I’m honest. I have found it difficult to avoid the cycle because if Im vague or do anything less than outright agreeing it’s a good decision, she’s discontent. I think she strongly seeks validation hence trying to convince me to agree with her and not accepting that I might not think her plans are the best even if I’m fine with her going ahead regardless. And I can’t quite bring myself to go with ‘yes that’s brilliant’ when I think it’s not…

        1. Jen in Oregon*

          ….and it’s a good thing you don’t, because I suspect that if you *were* to agree with her, you would then be her scapegoat when things go sideways and everything would be all your fault because she listened to you.

    4. Anona*

      That advice cycle is maddening. My husband has that with some family members. It helps him to recognize that they’re not going to take advice that he gives, or to avoid giving advice when possible (“it seems like you’re set on x stove. I hope that goes well.”

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        Yep, this. It is very frustrating for people to explain your expertise to you, but you see the dance, and you can step out of it. “Not the stove I would pick, but you clearly want it. We’re different people so lets move on.” They might, eventually, stop trying to dance it with you if you don’t engage.

        (ps – this sooooo sounds like a variant of geek fallacy #4 – not only ‘love me, love my friends’ but also ‘love me, love my choices’)

      2. Ruth (UK)*

        Yes I guess I’ve realized now she almost never takes me advice so I do try to avoid getting into it. One issue is that vague answers don’t work on her as she seems to quite strongly seek validation and therefore is after an outright agreement that that she’s doing the right thing in any given situation rather than just a ‘its your choice’ type response.

        She enters the conversation as though she genuinely seeks my opinion when what she really wants is to feel validated that she’s making the best decisions (and so if it doesn’t work out it’s not possibly due to anything she had control over) and as I can’t bring myself to say ‘yes that’s brilliant’ when I don’t think so, and anything less doesn’t work, she’s constantly dissatisfied.

        I’ve largely been dealing with it by not engaging with her in the first place and as a result, we’re now drifting apart which, if I’m honest, I’m not mega gutted about though because I’ve known her a long time, it does feel tough/sad

        1. Parenthetically*

          I guess depending on how honest you’re willing to be, given that you feel like the friendship is on the way out, you might think of saying something like, “Hey, when you ask my opinion about stuff like this, I want to be truthful with you, but you seem disappointed if I don’t end up giving my unqualified approval, like when (examples A and B). I don’t want you to feel like you have to (seek my opinion/justify your choices to me/do anything but ask me to share in your excitement).”

          Also, I absolutely recognize your friend’s tendency in myself, since I’m also a “convincer” like she seems to be, AND I love seeing my friends be excited about what I’m excited about. If she’s fairly self-aware, it might be worth talking through that with her. Like hey, it’s cool for you to be pumped about what you’re pumped about! You can present it to me in that way and I will be happy for you!

      3. fposte*

        Yeah, this just sounds like a trap at this point. Do Not Enter. I like Anona’s husband’s phraseology. Another possibility is being straightforward: “You know, when you’ve asked for advice it seems like you then are unhappy with me for giving it. That suggests you’re looking for something other than what you’re asking. What’s up with that?” But it sounds like the friendship may have thinned out to the point where that may not be a conversation worth having.

    5. Coffeelover*

      I think if you truly want to continue seeing this person (but fair enough if you don’t), you should stop getting pulled into these debates that go no where.

      My best friend is an amazing person, but he does just about the opposite of what I would do in any given circumstance. Most would probably say he’s pretty reckless and irresponsible. (A £70 camp stove is nothing… He bought a £1500 bag he couldn’t afford.)

      If he asks for my advice and I disagree with his choice, I’ll say my opinion once or twice. When I see he has already made up his mind (which is 99% of the time), I say “okay if that’s what you’ve decided”. If he says, “so you agree x, y, z” I say “I agree that you should do what makes you happy/makes sense for you”. It’s his prerogative to live his life how he wants to and to make the mistakes he wants to make. There’s no changing his mind and trying to will only frustrate me.

      For the record, our relationship is amazing. And he brings a different and refreshing perspective to my life. There are pros to having different people around you I think, but you have to accept the differences for the good and the bad.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        a £1500 bag blows my mind a little bit.

        I’m quite glad I’m not going on this camping trip with my friend as I believe camping with her would be quite stressful! As I’ve said above, she often vastly mis-estimates the sort of thing she might enjoy and is often a lot more uncomfortable/whatever than she was expecting.

        Last year, I travelled with her by train to stay 2 nights with a friend (sleeping on their sofa) in another city. I packed: underwear for all days, 2 shirts, 1 spare pair of trousers, and a few snacks for the journey. In a rucksack (like school rucksack size, not camping rucksack). She brought… 2 suitcases. I honestly have no idea what she packed (though it included multiple pairs of shoes and a hairdryer…) but it was enough that she seriously struggled on the train (and our friend met us at the other end to help her. The original plan had been for us to get to her house on our own using public transport). I can’t imagine her packing for camping…

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’d personally stop giving them advice. If they ask, but like “well, I’d do this,” and if they disagree, just say “well, it’s what I would do, but do what you like,” and refuse to get into it.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Thanks, I will try this, and what others have said above (ie. try to avoid/refuse getting into it).

    7. only acting normal*

      I know loads of people who camp a *lot*, and at most they have the same as you. Your friend is deluded if they think they need more.
      As for the larger problem – I wish I had an answer because then I could apply it to my relationship with my mother!

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        oh dear, it’s probably worse if it’s your mother as it’s harder to just decide to talk to them less etc.

        I know my friend is deluded about this. It’s something she knows nothing about (she has never been camping to my knowledge, though it’s possible she might have been as a child), she’s asking advice from someone who camps approx. every other weekend across the summer (and occasionally out of season), and then disregarding that advice and assuming she knows best, and that I somehow don’t fully understand what is involved in cooking outdoors.

    8. neverjaunty*

      Oh yes, the “let me outsource my negative feelings to you” people. If you have any reason to spend time with these annoying ‘friends’ in the future, STRONGLY recommend absolutely refusing to share your opinion. “Oh, I couldn’t possibly say,” or “I don’t know, what do you think?” will deprive them of their irritating fun.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I think neverjaunty has the answer for this situation. The only thing you can control is your own behavior.

        When a going-nowhere, repeating script happens with Hubby, I describe the repeating pattern out loud (i.e. You ask advice – I give advice – you reject advice and try to convince me I’m wrong.) then add: “Let’s save a lot of time here – “Argue, argue.” To which he responds, “Argue, argue.” Then we both burst out laughing and get on with something else!
        Life is too short for endlessly repeating scripts.

    9. Chaordic One*

      Yes, you have to just say something along the lines of, “Oh, that sounds terrible,” to show empathy and then follow it up with, “But you’re so smart I’m sure you’ll figure out the best way to deal with it.”

    10. msroboto*

      I say stay in touch and keep this camp set in mind. When they haven’t gone camping in a year or so and need a couple bucks offer them like 20 for it. You might use it on one of those 5 day in one site trips. I know it sounds excessive to carry but if you are a camper you may enjoy it.
      LOL.

    11. Adele*

      Most people, once they have made a decision or a purchase, don’t really want your opinion. They just want validation or admiration. Just say, “That’s great! Let me know how it worked out after your trip.” If they actually, truly, ask for advice, give it once and then let it go if they reject it.

    12. AnonymousCelebrity*

      Stop offering opinions or advice. Just say, “Gee, I don’t know. Do what you think is best.” Then sit back and watch the inevitable happen. Then, when the complaining begins, say something like, “Gosh, that’s too bad. I’m so sorry that happened” and then change the subject.

      You know this person’s pattern. You know how this person operates. So quit playing the game. Don’t get involved. Don’t offer advice. It’s not your job to be this person’s guidance counselor, her mom, her financial planner or her girl scout troupe leader. So step back and don’t try to be any of that. You can’t fix her. Stop trying.

    13. Girl friday*

      It is very hard to show people things without them having an opinion, or wanting it for themselves, or story topping. I think it’s just how people are now. when I look back, I can’t think of anything I showed someone that I was proud of that I wish I hadn’t shown them now. People really are crazy.
      And camping, is one of those things like boating, that you can do on a $100 budget or a 100 K budget, and still have a really great time, so I wouldn’t worry too much about them. Camping gear can either be disposable or an investment I guess is what I’m saying.
      My daughters and I all have crazy different budgets. One of them has a lot of money, one has medium money, and I have almost no money, but we get by talking about the activities instead of the equipment and planning around the uses of things instead of the things themselves. So I can understand!

  16. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    How do you find a good hair/makeup person in another city?

    I have an Event coming up that I’d like to get my hair and makeup professionally done for, but it’s in a place that’s far away, and I won’t be able to go there in person beforehand/get any kind of trial makeup done in advance (is that even a thing?). So what criteria can I use to find someone who will do a good job and whose style will fit mine? I’ve never had my hair or makeup done professionally before, so I just don’t really even know where to start.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I would start with Yelp reviews then look at their own website – from what I’ve seen most make up artists/hairstylists have pictures on their site of stuff they’ve done so you can get an idea of their style.

  17. Loopy*

    This week’s health discovery: Loopy does not understand carbs. At all.

    I thought I was doing great by cutting out breads, pastas, cereals, etc. I did not bother to actually research. Holy moly fruit carbs. Also I’ve been eating tons of chick peas and hummus. While I’ll never be able to go low carb (being a lactose intolerant vegetarian makes it harder than I’m willing to fuss with), I was trying to greatly reduce them. Myfitnesspal was pretty much like whoa slow down there carb girl. I stopped using it because it was making me unhealthy about eating, but that was one takeaway from it I wanted to keep.

    So, this week I’m trying cloud bread. Which seems like it’s mostly egg. I generally dislike a strong egg-y taste and almost all egg textures but want a way to get the protein they offer. Has anyone had cloud bread? Is it’s egg-flavor noticeable/prominent? I’m planning on mixing in spices and such, if that’ll help enough (I’m also crap with spices, so if anyone has tried and true spice advice for cloud bread, let me know!).

    1. Thlayli*

      You know carbs are the food group you should eat most of right? You can’t cut them out altogether.

      1. Tau*

        Also, all carbohydrates are not created equal. There’s a pretty big difference between eating, say, whole-wheat bread versus pure sugar.

      2. Anona*

        Some diets are based on avoiding carbs. My husband is doing keto, which was cleared by his doctors. It’s a low/no carb, high protein, high fat diet.

        2. Loopy*

          Thanks. I’m really not trying to make any specific diet statement at all, just bring things into moderation. As a vegetarian I often find myself eating carbs to feel full instead of protein. So I was eating waaaay a lot of carbs.

          Also I could eat two serving is pasta four nights in a row if allowed. My carb love is STRONG.

          1. nep*

            Do you like any of the pastas made from beans (garbanzo or black)? Not necessarily low-carb, but better given that they are higher in fiber and protein.

            1. Loopy*

              I’ve been told about these but don’t know if they come in boxes like normal pasta? I’ve seen lentil pasta frozen by green giant. It was just okay and I couldn’t tell if that’s because it was a frozen type. I would certainly give it another shot :)

              1. Loopy*

                Ah, outed myself. Donno how much Alison moderates these weekend threads, but does anyone know how to get it deleted? Not a huge deal, but dang. Was hoping to be more anon for another topic in case a friend happens on these weekend threads.

                1. Observer*

                  I’ve seen this stuff in my mid-range local supermarket. Of course, this is NYC, so that may make a difference.

                  In general, a good place to start for stuff like this is in the Gluten Free areas. Just one thing to keep in mind – a lot of GF foods use potato for their primary starch, and they tend to be the least good choice your purposes.

              3. nep*

                Trader Joe’s black bean rotini–oh so good. T Joe’s also has lentil pasta dry in a bag–I like the flavour but this one does not digest well for me for some reason.
                Banza–chick pea pasta dry in a box; I’ve seen that at a few grocery stores. I’ve not tried it yet though.

          2. misspiggy*

            I used to be like that when I was veggie – looking back I think I might have been compensating for lack of protein. Nuts help me get more protein into myself – esp starting the day with peanut butter on toast and having nuts as snacks. Although that’s calorific, I find I crave pasta etc a lot less, which more than makes up for it.

          3. Thlayli*

            FYI I wasn’t “judging” you. Lots of people get sucked into all sorts of faddy diets which have no grounding in reality. There are hundreds of books and articles out there advising people to do very unhealthy things in the interest of losing weight. I’m glad to hear you realise that carbs are necessary and are not just jumping on the “carbs are evil” bandwagon, but believe it or not there are plenty of people out there who do think it’s healthy to “cut out all carbs” or similar. Your comment, particularly the part about looking for low carb bread, made me think you were trying to “cut out all carbs” which is really unhealthy to do. Bread is a major source of carbs, so trying to find carb-free bread is an indicator of pretty extreme low-carb diet. That sentence in particular made me worry you might have fallen victim to one of those conscienceless “diet gurus” who give people really unhealthy advice to sell a book or an article. I wasn’t judging you, just judging the people who give unhealthy advice to make a quick buck.

            If you look at my other comments, you will see that most of them written yesterday are extremely short and brusque in tone. This is because I was checking internet in short bursts yesterday between doing lots of other tasks and had very little time to write long replies. So I wrote lots of 1 and 2-line replies because that’s all I had time to do for the most part.

            Sorry if I made you feel judged or upset you. That was not my intention.

            1. Loopy*

              Hi! Thanks for the explanation but no worries, I wasn’t upset. I was just clarifying when I responded. Tone can be so hard to read on the internet so I really appreciate your response though. I was more curious about the cloud bread than anything (and honestly? I hated it, so much egg flavor that i failed to mask!) but truly, even under supervision of a doctor, any extreme low *something* diet would be super hard for me! But yeah, the internet is scary and worrisome when it comes to diet advice- if I wanted to adopt any specific diet other than very very basic moderation and consideration of what I’d eat, I’d consult my doctor or some other qualified professional.

              No upsetness here! And I’ve fully learned my lesson about the dangers of the internet when it convinced me I had scabies and I lost an entire afternoon to panicking (it was a bug bite).

            2. Courageous cat*

              I mean, have you done research on the ketogenic diet, or…?

              I think you’re making a looot of generalizations, not many of them true (*especially* for people with certain conditions like diabetes). I can find a lot of peer-reviewed journal articles on the benefits of that diet just with a quick Google search.

              1. Observer*

                Yes, I’ve done some research on the ketogenic diet. And for most people, it’s a really bad idea for a number of reasons. And, studies are pretty inconclusive about how much it really contributes to weight loss.

                There are cases it where does make sense to try it, and it does work for some people, so if someone wants to try it, I’d say talk to your doctor and / or a qualified appropriate specialist and, if you decide it’s worth a shot, monitor for while.

                But, keep in mind that the very basis of this diet is that it forces your body to pretty fundamentally change your metabolism.

                1. Courageous cat*

                  I think “for most people” is a bit of a stretch but I don’t think you’re necessarily wrong about most of it. I was talking to Thlayli though because they were making some fairly unfounded claims. There is no need to actively worry about strangers who have chosen low-carb or ketogenic diets. Lots of them (and me, at one point) have worked closely with their doctor and have had their blood tested many times and actually became healthier than ever before.

    2. misspiggy*

      I feel better and lose a bit of weight when I increase protein and slow-burn carbs like porridge, and get my sugar fix from fruit instead of biscuits. Dropping sugar intake dramatically doesn’t work for me, so I’ve given up trying to eat an officially healthy diet and just try to nudge it in the right direction.

      Some friends feel happier on rigid low carb diets followed by periods of more normal eating. I guess I’m saying it’s good to know yourself and decide what degree of healthy eating might work for you.

      1. Loopy*

        Yeah I can’t drop anything super dramatically without being miserable. Generally when I try to eat healthy it tends to just be cutting down on things so I’m eating them in moderation. I can easily get in the habit of living on sugars and carbs!

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      I haven’t had cloud bread, but:
      1) Whipping egg whites and cream of tartar should get you a texture that’s very different from omelets
      2) The recipe link in my name just advises using a generic ‘Italian Seasoning’ mix, that’s really safe spicing.
      3) The egg taste never really goes away, you really have to drown it with other stuff. Worcestshire sauce is good.

      On the cream cheese ingredient: Little Jules and I are both lactose intolerant and react to cream cheese, but lactase pills work for us. We find them in every grocery store or pharmacy (US South), usually next to the antacid pills. 9000 iu lets us eat cheese, yogurt or small amounts of ice cream comfortably. I wouldn’t try 8oz milk, but not having to avoid cheese has been a huge improvement in our quality of life.

      Best of luck to you!

      1. Loopy*

        I do have those amazing lactaid pills so I can try recipes like this without too much hassle. But there’s no pizza binging!

        I’m thrilled there will be no omelet texture. I will do my best to drown the egg flavor in stuff! Thanks for the tips :)

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve made it. It was OK at the time. I made it so long ago, though, that I don’t really remember what it tasted like. I do remember an egg taste, though. But these last few years I’ve decided that I’m done with trying all these recipes that try to mimic bread, or whatever we’re trying to eat less of. I’d rather eat a small amount of the real thing or just avoid it all together. Like with ice cream. I have to limit my sugar to no more than about 15 grams in one meal/snack, so ice cream is something I can’t eat like I used to. I’ve tried the new high protein ice creams and all the other lower sugar ice creams/novelties, but they either bother my stomach because of the artificial sweetener or sugar alchohols or they just don’t taste good. I’ve decided that if I want ice cream, I’ll eat about two to three bites of the real stuff (I’m partial to Ben & Jerry’s) to satisfy me. Some people really get into making alternative recipes, but I just can’t be bothered.

      1. Loopy*

        Yeah normally I don’t bother with mimic recipes but this was so easy and needed so little I decided to give it a try. Hopefully if I hate it I won’t be too disappointed.

    5. Rookie Biz Chick*

      Hey, Loopy – are there any cheeses you can eat – sheep or goat cheese? Some of the best low-carb breads have a base of almond flour and shredded cheese. I’m not lactose intolerant, but try to keep my cow dairy in check, so eat manchego a lot and use it in most recipes as the cheese. I make this recipe weekly: https://fitmencook.com/keto-meal-plan/

      Also there are a lot of bread recipes with riced cauliflower as the base. Many of these are awesome and not eggy or dairy-y, but a bit more involved, so I only make them when I have time to spend.

      Also, it’s been said here prior, but those refined carbs and sugars you mentioned first are great to ditch. The chickpeas and hummus and beans are vastly better quality with lower glycemic index and pack in great protein, as well. Fruit sugars are not terrible, and there are many lower sugar fruits. If you are not super-low-carb/keto, then carbs are still the primary energy source.

      Hoping you find what works for you!

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I haven’t done much experimenting with what cheeses I can handle yet, it’s only been about 8/9 months since I developed the lactose intolerance.

        I’m definitely nowhere near the realm of keto or any structured diet. Whenever I try and keep to a rigid or strict diet, it’s a really terrible fit for me. So mostly I’m looking to just be more conscious of what I’m eating and trying to find ways to keep myself from eating waaaaaay to many carbs!

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          My experience with both Little Jules and me being lactose is that your intolerance levels vary a lot, and can vary week to week. I can eat greek yogurt with minimal symptoms, Kid Jules can’t have anything without a pill, and needs a second 9K iu to have both pizza and ice cream.

          New site in the link has tips on how to approach testing cheese – general rule seems to be harder / more aged = less lactose. I thought I’d had problems with cheeses, but maybe it was just the feta and I need to test monterey jack.

    6. Cringing 24/7*

      Cloud bread doesn’t really have an eggy taste to me. I have a friend who’s keto and (out of solidarity to help her begin), my spouse and I did it with her for the first month, and cloud bread was the best thing I could find to substitute for actual bread. Best of luck with your dietary adjustments!

    7. buttercup*

      SAME HERE

      The past month, I have switched to a low carb diet to reduce belly fat. It’s been iffy – I think I am not doing a good job of replacing the calories from the carbs with protein and/or vegetables. The other day, I had a mediterraneian salad and got REEALLY bloated – I looked 5 months pregnant. Also, I was still STARVING. I ended up eating a sandwich later, and my stomach shrank immediately. Like huh?! I guess carbs are necessary sometimes.

      1. Loopy*

        Yeah I’m struggling with ways to get rid of some belly fat too. I’ve heard and are made in the kitchen but I don’t need abs! I just need some less fluff! :) The struggle is real for sure.

    8. Girl friday*

      Here’s my mantra: bananas are cake, beans are cake, potatoes are cake and rice is cake. I ate no carbs or sugar for almost two and a half years and I wish you luck. I loved it. What you’re really cutting out is sugar.

    9. Girl friday*

      I’m a vegetarian that doesn’t eat carbs by the way. Including potatoes, although I probably average out to having some kind of carb 3 times a week. You can totally be a vegetarian and not eat vegetables; and you can be a vegetarian and not eat carbs. Just don’t do both! Just to give weight to my cake comment below. You will feel better, probably lose some weight and have very low cholesterol no matter what, as long as you watch butter and dairy.

  18. Kate Daniels*

    What’s your favorite thing to do on a weekend that doesn’t involve spending money (or a very, very minimal amount)?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Reading.

      Probably not what you’re looking for but I love to read so when I’ve finished my work for the weekend and I have some time for myself, I like to read.

      Also, baking but that depends if you have stuff in the house. For example, today I’m trying to find a recipe for a chocolate custard tart. I’ve never made it before but I have the time and I’d like to give it a try.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          So far I’ve only made the pastry. I’m still looking for the chocolate custard recipe. However, for the base it’s nice and easy and stolen from Martha Stewart’s website:

          170 g cold, cubed butter
          340g plain flour
          3 tbsp cocoa powder
          2 tbsp sugar
          Cold coffee to combine

          On the website it said 1/3 oz for the cold coffee – I don’t know what that is in UK measurements but I treated it as I normally do when adding water. I added it little by little until there was enough.

          I’m really interested in how the coffee’s going to affect the taste.

          1. Chocolate Teapot*

            Nigella Lawson’s chocolate recipes often use instant espresso or Tia Maria to bring out the taste of the chocolate, but from what I can gather, it doesn’t give the stuff a coffee flavour.

      2. Kate Daniels*

        I like the idea of baking a treat or two and then spending the day reading a book from cover to cover! :-) I have several currently checked out from the library.

      1. Anon for this number 42*

        Sleeping! Do not get enough time for that in the week, and naps with senior kitty seem to be her preferred kind of quality pet time too…

    4. Overeducated*

      If the weather’s nice, walking or spending time in a local park. Picking up fruit and veg at a farmer’s market instead of grocery store (making sure to stay within my weekly grocery budget). Sometimes going to a county/state park beach (not free but generally cheap per person or per car). Generally just finding reasons to coast around the neighborhood on my bike.

      If it’s not nice, going to the library, a free museum (options of course vary geographically), a cooking project, board games or a movie with popcorn at home. For some reason the popcorn makes it feel like an event.

      1. tab*

        +1 My husband and I do this every Saturday & Sunday. It’s a nice way to get some exercise, enjoy nature, and talk.

      2. nep*

        Yes–walking through parks where there are a lot of trees. Can’t get enough of that, and on weekends can spend more time there.

      3. CAA*

        This is mine too. I need the weather to cool down below 90F before I’m going out again though!

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Reading mostly.

      Lately it’s been looking around in antique stores. My house was built in 1735 so I’m typically looking for primitives, not frilly glass knickknacks and all that. I guess that could count as spending money, but I don’t usually find something to buy since I haven’t found a local antique store that has what I’m looking for. I’m partial to wooden spoons, wooden bowls, stoneware crocks and things like that.

    9. Kj*

      IKEA breakfast. It costs 99 cents for the basic breakfast. We bring the paper and read it while eating. Bliss.

    10. HannahS*

      Reading, watching TV, blogging, going for walks, having a friend over or going for a walk together, making something out of my disgracefully large craft supply.

    11. Girl friday*

      Hiking and window shopping? Or you can go get chips and salsa and milk a couple beers and people watch almost anywhere? Take a dog to the dog park? Get a cookbook from the library? Memberships at Planet Fitness are very minimal money and big returns on sociable fun and health benefits? Visit family? Go watch a local athletic event like a little league game? Afternoon matinee? There are thousands of things to do. If you want to invest money on a one-time thing, you could get a kayak or frisbee golf or golf or tennis racket set and play at municipal areas. Soccer balls and volleyballs also bring cheap fun, You don’t have to pay very much each time but you get a lot of use out of them. You can also get free passes, sometimes from work, or cheap passes to national parks, state parks, concerts, athletic events and public transportation.

    12. Nisie*

      I check facebook events for stuff going on around me that’s free.

      My girls got a bouncy house experience, face painting and free food today. I got a $25 dollar Walmart card in a game.

    13. Sparkly Librarian*

      If you have transportation, check out what’s on the Free Stuff section of your local Craigslist. It’s a little like garage-saling, but with descriptions/photos ahead of time so you maximize efficiency! (With some potential for disappointment if you get there after someone’s already picked the thing up off the curb.)

    17. Snickerdoodle*

      I volunteer at the animal shelter, tick off small projects around the house (hanging pictures, reorganizing a closet, etc.) and meal prep for the coming week.

  19. nep*

    I was in a mega-mall the other day for the first time in nearly 20 years. Hoo boy I wasn’t missing anything. (A friend who had to pick something up asked me to go along for the ride.)
    If I never go near a mall again for the remainder of my days, it’ll be too soon.
    It was really interesting, in a way, standing there looking as if I was ‘part of the scene,’ walking about as if I do this all the time–and yet the entire time knowing I was an utter outsider and my head truly might explode if I thought about it all too much.
    Malls, y’all?

    1. Thlayli*

      I spent a lot of time in malls. Only place near me to buy clothes. Don’t see why they would make your head explode.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Because they’re loud and crowded, and just full of bright lights and crazy sounds? As someone who lives close to one of the biggest malls in the world, I can pretty well say that malls are not all they’re cracked up to be.

        2. nep*

          Total overload, indeed. To each her/his/their own. For some that’s pleasing/amusing, for others maddening, or at least off-putting.

          1. Thlayli*

            They aren’t like that where I live. Just shops with lots of people and big airy corridors between.

            There is one shop (a big pharmacy) where I used to live in England that sounds like what you describe. It was only like that on Saturdays specifically. People trying to sell everything left right and centre yelling about specials and trying to spray perfume on you and tonnes of crazy displays. I couldn’t walk through it without headphones on and determinedly staring straight ahead. A whole mall of that sounds awful. My sympathies.

            1. nep*

              Well it’s funny–I got used to the utter craziness of marketplaces in the capitals of Côte d’Ivoire, Guinea, and Senegal. That’s another world altogether also. Makes sense–it really depends on what a person is used to. I reckon it would take me a minute to re-adjust if someone plopped me there again; or perhaps I would blend right in again. Don’t know.

              1. Thlayli*

                That’s interesting. I actually don’t have a problem with outdoor markets at all either even though some of them resemble the awful pharmacy in terms of people trying to shout at you to sell you things. I wonder if it’s the overload of different types of media -a market has lots of people shouting and waving things and lots of smells but the pharmacy (for me) / mall (for you) has people shouting AND music AND things clattering AND mechanically moving displays AND bright lights AND people spraying scent on you. Maybe the total number of sounds and movements are similar but it’s overwhelming coz your brain has to figure out a load of different types of movement / noise.

        3. CAA*

          Ohhh interesting. I hadn’t thought about indoor malls being noisy because all the ones close to me are outdoor spaces. They actually just finished a huge remodel at one of them and put in all these water gardens and seating areas. I was meeting DH there for dinner a couple of weeks ago and arrived early. It was hot, so I had a really nice half hour just chilling out in the shade by a fish pond/fountain.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      The Thing to Do when I was a teen (late 80s) was to walk the mall on Friday and Saturday nights with friends, so I spent a lot of time at the mall. Although the mall in my hometown was quite small back then and nothing at all like what it is now. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve stayed away from the mall as much as possible. Mainly because I always find it hot and crowded, but I also don’t typically find what I’m looking for there. Up until five years ago I was morbidly obese so I couldn’t shop in any of the clothing stores anyway unless the mall happened to have The Avenue, Lane Bryant or Fashion Bug (now defunct), and that was a crap shoot. Nowadays I only go there if there’s a specific store I need, like Bath and Body Works or something like that.

      1. nep*

        Ha–I will say it was nice checking out some great fragrances in Bath & Body Works, which happened to be right across from the place we needed to go. Love some of their scents.
        I sort of got a chuckle out of the whole experience–I was a complete outsider…felt as if from a wholly different world. But just moving about with the rest of the wave…

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I miss Fashion Bug. They had cute things.

        But I can tell a similar story, late 70s and early 80s, just out of high school and no money to speak of, so the solution was go to the mall. There was the crappy local mall that we all skipped. There was a mall that was a long ride over roads that were famous for fogging up at night, so we avoided that mall. And that left us with a two story monster which basically catered to rich people. We were a blue collar town and definitely middle class. We went there until we got too busy with life stuff. It was kind of depressing there actually.

        Now when I go to the mall I only go for the anchor stores and I use the outside entrance for the store. No way am I walking on all that concrete if I don’t have to. Just my own experience but malls have too much of what I don’t want and not enough of what I want. I did work in a mall store for a few years. I learned that it’s like a little city by itself, with all the employees. I almost started liking malls again, but I got over it.

    3. Ainomiaka*

      I have actually used that “scene” feeling in the past-dealing with just really bizarre people for thing we don’t mention on weekends, I needed people behaving in an expected social context. It helped calm my internal energy, can’t speak for anyone else. Though that job dealt with lots of travel, and it was really disorienting sometimes to go into a mall and sometimes not be sure what city I was in they were so visually similar.

    4. Rookie Biz Chick*

      Total same! My teenager asked me to pick up a pair of shoes for her at the mall last week because she had a crazy back-to-school and work schedule, and I noped that!

    6. Kathenus*

      I’m with you in that I really dislike malls, but the most convenient movie theater to me is in one. Usually I’m in, straight to the theater, and out. Occasionally I’ll go to a specific store, like the aforementioned Bath and Body Works. But recently I misread the movie start time and had a half hour to kill so walked the mall, and discovered an Eddie Bauer store with a huge sale. Went back after the movie and got some great stuff I really needed. Was an unexpectedly positive mall experience for someone who generally sees them as one of the rings of hell.

    7. wingmaster*

      I only go to malls now to walk around and get my 30 minutes of daily walking haha. But the local mall by me is so dead, and a lot of stores have closed. Then there’s an outdoor shopping center that’s a little further, where it’s super packed. I really enjoy this outdoor mall because 1) more food places than clothing 2) good breweries (I love beer) 3) it’s at the beach, and you can cross the street from the mall to enjoy the sand and waves.

      When I was still a fashion student, I met the founder of Not Just A Label. He was discussing in his lecture on how more people are not shopping at clothing stores now. More people are becoming conscious of the clothing they buy. Interests are shifting to more of the “experience,” such as dining and travel. The lecture was very interesting.

    8. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’ll tell a fun story. Last weekend, I needed to return something at Old Navy and my boyfriend wanted to buy some shorts. So we decided to go to the mall. I also wanted to go to the big flagship department store because I needed a few things I knew I could get there. I am not a fan of the mall. It gets crowded, parking is usually a nightmare, that kind of thing. We went to Old Navy first, did what we had to do, then went to the main part of the mall, to the department store.

      I found everything I needed/wanted! And some extras! They were having a big sale! It was late Sunday morning so there were no crowds! (It’s a very church-going community here.) I was feeling so great! Then we got up to the register and learned that the store’s network was entirely down and they couldn’t process credit cards. Womp womp.

      I ended up going home and buying everything I wanted online, but it was like, seriously? The ONE TIME I decide to go to the mall! But it was a successful trip, so all worked out in the end. I just found it kind of ironic, in a way.

      1. WellRed*

        Cannot believe they couldn’t show some ingenuity and manually do the cards. What will stores like this do in a zombie apocalypse?

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I once had to manually do cards during a power outage and it sucked (we had to enter them all into the system later anyway). They were offering to do pre-sales and holds and such, but I just wanted to be done with it. I felt terrible for the salespeople who could only do what corporate instructed, plus some customers were being really rude about it when it wasn’t their fault.

    9. buttercup*

      I practically grew up in malls. I enjoyed going to them with friends, but not with my mom. I shadowed my mom to the mall a lot – but this was SO boring. She always went to the same stores – JC Penny, Macy’s, and GAP. BORING. (Well, cheaper than a lot of the other stores, but still.) When I was in high school, the mall was where my friends and I would meet up to go to the movies and walk around – this was my opportunity to hold hands with boys w/o my parents knowing *gasp*. I also liked browsing through Victoria’s Secret and Bath & Body Works but not buying anything.

      I still enjoy the scene for nostalgia’s sake and b/c I’m semi-materialistic. However, I’m trying to be more minimalistic – I rarely buy clothes anymore, and when I do, it’s secondhand. I also make a lot of my beauty products and use drugstore make-up.

        1. buttercup*

          I’ve been experimenting a lot. The ones I have perfected are my All-Purpose Beauty Balm and my sugar scrubs. My beauty balm consists of beeswax, avocado oil, vitamin E oil, and almond oil. I use it for under my eyes and my body. It’s very moisturizing. Sugar scrubs are easy to make – you just use sugar as your base and add whatever oils and fragrances you like. I like putting coffee in them, but if I do, I have to use them over a towel so it doesnt clog my drain.

    10. fposte*

      While I think malls can vary–the older outdoor kind can be kind of cool–if you’re not a fan of sensory stimulation they’re often not a big treat, since there’s bright lights, random music, salesy stuff, and people you don’t know. I also find them massively inefficient for shopping compared to online, especially for clothes, and I think the existence of online shopping means that malls have increasingly focused on the easy sellers to a lot of people (sensible, given footage cost of space). So as an introvert without a lot of spare energy these days I find they usually aren’t worth it to me. And apparently to a lot of other people, since malls are generally struggling.

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        “find them massively inefficient for shopping compared to online, especially for clothes” — this is totally the opposite of my experience shopping for clothes online. Can I ask what makes it more efficient for you?

        For me, buying clothes online is like entering a special ring of hell. I have no idea how it’s going to fit because I can’t see it in real life (I am an uncommon size), I generally am less likely to be inspired by any of the photos than seeing and touching the fabric, and when I order something and it inevitably doesn’t fit it’s such a PITA and an extra expense to ship it back (if they even accept returns). I buy bras online because I have to (see again: uncommon size), and I loathe the experience. Most recently my package got lost in the mail and when they reshipped it and it finally arrived the bra was so damn uncomfortable… but I am considering not even sending it back because it’s a pain and now I feel bad that they had to reship it. Would never do that in a physical store!

        1. fposte*

          I’m expanding this to shopping for just about everything save for cars and groceries, so obviously it’s a lot less fraught when I’m buying a whisk. But I’m an inveterate online clothes shopper anyway. Experience helps–I have a lot of experience in translating how things will look on me, and I think the key, if your credit card can handle it, is to think of ordering as trying on and not buying and just assume you’re sending a box back. I’ve never encountered a clothes merchant that didn’t accept returns, and most of them include a sticker you can just slap onto the package and then drop the box off. I don’t live in a big city and I need petite sizing, so there’s virtually nothing brick and mortar for me in town anyway, whereas I have a pretty good idea of what I’m likely to get from my usual online haunts. (I might get a pack of underwear from Target, but it’s so much easier to get that from my couch anyway.) I’m willing to pay the shipping to get stuff that’s closer to what I like, and trying stuff on at home is so much nicer. I had a emergency sweater need last year and ended up returning about the same percentage of my in-town shopping because I couldn’t really tell what I thought in badly lit dressing rooms with crappy music playing.

          For something like bras, I can see the advantages shifting toward brick and mortar; I’ve been lucky to find a design style that seems to have carried through several brands over the years so I keep finding it again. If it ever disappears entirely I may try brick and mortar to find another one.

    12. HannahS*

      I don’t like crowded malls, but they’re ok when quiet. Ours open early and stay open late–even before/after the stores are closed–so that people have somewhere to walk “laps” in the winter. I grew up in the suburbs and I honestly don’t know where you’d buy stuff if you avoid malls, other than the internet and grocery stores, which are free standing. Here, there are “strip malls” where you might have a restaurant, a pharmacy, some shops, some office buildings, a laundromat, etc. all in a row but where you have to walk outside to go from one to the other, and there are malls. There are also free standing Walmart superstores. And that’s pretty much it. Where do you buy stuff?

      1. Girl friday*

        Here almost everything is outside too, and we have a Walmart and a very small mall. Most people go about 30 minutes away to shop in a big city: sort of like going from a small town upstate to White Plains to shop. Where I am we don’t have much in the winter so it’s not a big deal to be outside.

    13. Owler*

      Google “Seattle, Northgate Mall, future plans”. In a place where one of the first US malls was built in 1950, there is talk of converting half of it into housing and businesses. There’s a huge transit center going it near the site, so I wouldn’t bet against the housing/business project.

      1. LCL*

        Yeah, it’s really the end of an era for Northgate. The new construction is needed, and the site is appropriate for it, but it’s really depressing the old Northgate is gone.

    14. Anonymosity*

      I like malls, but they’re a lot more fun when I have some money to spend. I tend to avoid them if I’m on a mission to buy a certain thing. It’s fun to wander around if I’m not in a hurry and just want to shop randomly. On holiday in the UK, I had the same fun in shopping arcades just strolling along and looking.

      When I went to music school at Pitt State in Kansas, we used to hang out in the mall a lot; there was an arcade, a cinema, and a deli where we would meet up and eat. A couple of years ago, I went to a college reunion (32 years later!) with a couple of friends from then and wow, the mall is still there. The cinema is still there, and even the arcade, though it’s sadly bereft of games, just some ski ball and a few others. The carpet looks to be the same as in the 1980s! And not only is the deli still there, but it’s bigger and VERY popular. The food tasted exactly the same. :)

      Malls are made for hanging out. Of course it’s more fun if you’re with friends, so you can laugh at ugly shoes or whatever.

    15. AnonymousCelebrity*

      Haven’t been to one in at least a decade. I buy most of my clothes second-hand on eBay, and that works for me because I know the brands that fit me so I can safely shop by size/measurements (mostly J Jill and Eileen Fisher).

      My house is fully furnished, I don’t like knickknacks and other clutter, and I also buy most of my toiletries on eBay or Etsy (got some great deals on stock that Crabtree and Evelyn no longer carries now that they’ve messed up their line by doing things like adding coffee fragrance to their lavender bath gel. Seriously, why? I like their original lavender scent, and I don’t know why they stopped carrying jojoba oil bath gel, but I was able to stock up on eBay). Malls don’t have anything I want. I can find it all online (sometimes that’s the ONLY place I can find what I want). I also don’t like fast food or chain restaurants, so dining at the mall is out.

      Malls remind me of casinos. Loud, full of visual clutter, too brightly lit, bad smells, and mostly full of the kind of people I prefer not to spend time around. Also, they’re a rip-off. I don’t hate them, I simply have no use for them.

    16. ronda*

      i much prefer the enclosed mall to the strip mall, outlet mall, etc.

      We have malls with good air-conditioning where I live and I dont like being hot going from store to store.

      Also they added many restaurants at the mall, as well as the food court.

      The movies are usually no longer located at the malls here tho. (although the one nearest work does have a theater)

      I actually work a block from 2 malls that are catty-corner at an intersection…. 2 food courts to choose from and several full service restaurants. !!!! I don’t really like to shop, but when I do, if the mall has what I want it is great.

      When it is too crowded, it is annoying, but lots of times it is not very crowded.

  20. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Any advice on what to think about when buying a car in the UK for the first time?

    I haven’t decided to do it yet but I’m contemplating buying a car when I get my license. In a dream world I’d have a fully electric one but I don’t have the budget or a place to plug it in, so I’d like to figure out the lowest emissions/best efficiency I can get for £1000 or less. I also have no idea about insurance, taxes, etc. Is there an idiot’s guide to buying a car out there?

    2. misspiggy*

      I’d look at moneysavingexpert, both the main site and the forums. Exchange and Mart have a good app that you can use to identify secondhand cars according to detailed criteria (always make sure you can get full service history records, don’t accept a car without that). Expect to bargain for a little bit off the price if buying secondhand from an individual. Bargaining with dealers a bit can be done, but not always with lower priced vehicles.

      Definitely haggle with insurers though, and research competing companies. Check whether a ‘competing’ insurer is actually owned by the same conglomerate.

      Road tax rules have recently changed, it’s now all done online – a bit of googling will tell you what you need to know. Tax is much lower for environmentally friendly and small cars.

    3. The Automotive Expert*

      In the not too distant past UK readers on this site have recommended the UK consumer magazine, “Which?” which rates and reviews new and used cars (as well as other consumer products). They have a subscription website, but you might be able to read copies of the magazine at a public library to get some ideas of what would be economical and reliable cars to consider. “Which?” seems very similar to “Consumer Reports” magazine in the U.S.

    4. Not Alison*

      I just started taking Spanish – – – and now I’m finally laughing so hard at your user name. Ha! But now I’m wondering if I should believe anything that your say? Ole!

    5. Jemima Bond*

      It’s much easier with the paperwork now everything “talks” to everything else online. That is, the DVLA automatically checks you have insurance etc.
      Insurance: compare meerkats or whatever. Consider whether you really need the extras like legal cover; also see how much difference it makes if you ask for a lower excess. If you can pay it in one go for the year that will save you money rather than doing it monthly by direct debit.
      MOT: when buying a used car check when the MOT is due as this will be needed every year. It doesn’t cost much but if some work needs to be done to pass it, you have a potential expense there. Check of there were any advisory points on the last MOT for clues – it might say something along the lines of, MOT passed but your rear tyres might need replacing soon.
      Tax, or road fund licence, can be done online easily, go to DVLA website. Can be paid monthly and I think is no dearer than paying in one. Also speaking of the DVLA, make sure you get the V5 (often called a log book but it’s just a couple of colourful sheets of paper) and ensure you get the car registered to you – they’ll send you a new V5 which you must keep safe. Failing to do this will end in expensive fines, wailing, gnashing of teeth etc.
      Hope that helps!

  21. ScotKat*

    I’ll be 35 on Monday. I have a lot of feelings about this, but I’m trying to focus on positive ones. I may not have a partner or a family of my own, but I have my health and I am in better shape than I have ever been because of running and yoga and generally taking better care of myself. I have a few close decent friends, and I have enough money to live comfortably, although I am not rich in any way.

    Things need to change, though, and my birthday always makes me think about those. I don’t like my job any more, I’m bored of a lot of the time, I’m lonely sometimes, and I don’t know where exactly to go next. If I’m single forever, what do I do to keep things interesting? How do I know what to aim for? I feel a bit lost in this, and was hoping that, if this resonates at all with anyone else, you could give me some advice. I’m trying to be zen, and mostly I am, but I am feeling an undercurrent of panic for no real reason!

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Think about things you might like to learn–line dancing, knitting, a new language, whatever–and look for classes or groups where you could start learning one of those things. You could also try them on your own to just help with the boredom, but a class/group might help with both boredom and loneliness.

    2. kerlin*

      I am also having turning-35 feels, though I hit that marker about 6 weeks ago. I don’t know why it feels so weirdly momentous to me.

      I am married, but I’m slowly realizing I’m not very happy in my marriage and not sure how much of it I can realistically expect to change. My job is basically a constant burnout machine. A lot of the positives in my life are currently going sideways. So. Yeah. Not to dump on you with my own stuff, but to say that I also feel some similar ways!

      I’ve been doing a lot of journaling (really informally like mostly making endless lists in the same notebook) and thinking and trying out a bunch of different thought experiments. I played around with “what do I want life to look like in 5 years?” and “what do I want more of and what do I want less of?” in my life. I’ve also been trying to assess things according to the Captain Awkward Sheezebub principle: “if this thing continued exactly the same, how long could I put up with it? a year? five years?” and “how can I live my life right now as if X were true?”

      Those things are helping a bit. But yeah. *fistbump of solidarity*

      1. ScotKat*

        Fistbump indeed! And dump as much as you like, it helps :)

        Yeah… I can’t put up with things as they are for even a year more, I feel. But jobs here aren’t plentiful at the moment, and I am seriously considering looking abroad. Where to start, though?! *flail*

    3. Arya Parya*

      I’m turning 35 in May next year, so hi contemporary!

      I had similar feelings when I turned 30. I was single, owned my own place, a nice group of friends, but lonely on occasion, thought I would probably stay single. Also didn’t have many friends who lived nearby. Then I started volunteering at the local filmtheatre that’s mostly run by a large group of volunteers. Being a total film geek, this was perfect. I know have a new group of friends, all living nearby, that I hang out with regularly. I met my SO, we now live together and I gave birth to our daughter nearly two months ago.

      If I hadn’t met my SO there, I still would have been very happy with my new group of friends. I didn’t join to find a partner. So maybe join a club, group of something that alligns with your interest? You might meet soms interesting, fun people.

      1. ScotKat*

        It’s not so much that I need to meet loads of new people, it’s more that, if it turns out I end up single forever, I don’t know what the goal is there. The narrative is ‘get married, have baby’ and if you don’t do that no one really gives you much of a guide. It’s slightly harder thinking about that at 35 than it was at 30, because it’s just so much *later* and I’m running out of time if I want a baby ever (and I don’t know if I do even). Ah, it’ll be OK, I guess. I can’t do much except keep going!

  22. nep*

    Any of you who use juicers–do you use the pulp for anything (other than compost)? There are a lot of recipes out there…I might to use some for crackers just to check it out. More out of curiosity than anything else–I know the pulp is basically only fiber as the nutrients have been extracted.

    2. foolofgrace*

      The pulp typically has all the useful nutrients removed, so it’s not really good for anything edible. A friend tried making carrot cake with the pulp once and it didn’t work out. Sorry I can’t tell you what you wanted to hear. But enjoy the juicing!

      1. nep*

        Right–I mentioned that above/nutrients in the juice. That’s why I was saying it’s more out of curiosity and just experimenting for the heck of it with a batch of pulp.
        Actually making some sort of crackers right now and, before they’re even all the way dried/hard, the taste is fantastic.

        1. nep*

          Whoa–the crackers are more crisp now and I just had one topped with a slice of tomato from the garden. SOOOO flipping good.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            I’m intrigued by these crackers you made. What kind of fruit or vegetables did you use?

            1. nep*

              It was the pulp from this morning’s celery juice.
              I chopped up some onions and threw them in a fry pan with a bit of coconut oil to brown while mixing up some other random ingredients: the pulp, a bit of mashed up garbanzo beans, ground flax seed, sea salt, pepper, ground dulse. Mixed in the slightly browned onions, stirred well, spread the mix out on a cookie sheet, put in oven at 150 to 200 degrees for about an hour. I just left the pan in there after turning off oven–they just got crispier. Man are they good.

    3. CAA*

      OK, this is completely unhealthy, which may not be what you’re looking for if you’re juicing; but Stella Parks has some “recipes” for syrups made from fruit remains on SeriousEats.com. I think you could try these with the pulp from fruit juices. You need something acidic to dissolve sugar, so veggie pulps probably won’t work.

      I put recipe in quotes, because it’s basically “mix fruit peels with sugar, let them sit for a day or two and strain”. Fresh pineapple syrup is truly amazing on a homemade waffle; or with rum and soda water over crushed ice.

  23. Tattoo n00b*

    Last week I learned that we have a lot of people here who know about tattoos! I’ve been toying with the idea of getting one (I have two ideas but I figure I should start small). It would be a short quote. Only problem is that I have no idea *where*! I work in a tattoo-friendly industry so having to hide it completely isn’t an issue, although I’d probably like it to be hidden under formal clothes. I’d sort of like it to be visible to myself because I don’t really see the point otherwise. Thoughts?

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      On your forearm just below your elbow. Easily covered by 3/4 length sleeves but also very visible for you.

      1. Lemonworld*

        Exactly where I put my first tattoo, a short quote from a song. I love it – I can see it but it’s also easily covered. (I live in a climate where it rarely gets too warm, so it’s just about always covered even though no one at work would care.)

      2. Tattoo n00b*

        Thanks! Sorry it took me a whole day to get back here, not sure who will see this. This is the exact location that I was actually picturing but I wasn’t sure what the orientation should be. And inside the arm or not? I heard that was quite painful…
        Here’s an example link I found on this: http://www.sortra.com/20-inner-elbow-tattoo-ideas/

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I have mine on my foot, just below my ankle so it goes from my heel just to the other side of the ankle. No one knows it’s there unless I show it to them.

    3. Kj*

      I have two tattoo- they are on my shoulders. You can see them if I wear a sleeveless dress, but not otherwise. It works well for me and they look good. Talk to your artist- both of my tattoos can be covered by cap sleeves, which gives me options when I am in very conservative places. You should talk to an artist or two anyways and get a sense of if what you want is practical.

    4. MechanicalPencil*

      My next tattoo I think is going to be on the inside of my bicep. First is a large piece on my thigh.

    5. neverjaunty*

      Consider that your body is going to change over time and some parts will change more than others, along with your tattoo. That may affect where you want to put it.

      1. Tattoo n00b*

        That’s interesting–hasn’t considered that. On the plus side, my body has been pretty much exactly the same size for almost 30 years now. On the minus side, I’m not sure if it’s true that being very slim makes it more painful. Aagghhh! Now I’m talking myself out of it again! ;)

    6. Arya Parya*

      I have three: a small one on my ankle, a larger one on my shoulder and the biggest one on my upper back. All are easy to cover up. A lot of my anti-tattoo family members don’t even know I have them.

      I also took in consideration the fact that your body changes, so nothing on my arms, legs of belly.

    7. Windchime*

      I got my first (and only) tattoo a couple of years ago on the inside of my left leg, right above my ankle. I like the location because it’s not super obvious unless I wear capris or shorts, but I can still look at it any time I want. It’s a very small, simple wave that took the artist about 5 minutes to do, and it was a family thing (my sister and I, and our daughters-in-law all got the same tattoo). I’ve idly thought about getting another one, but I don’t know if I will. I never, ever thought I would get a tattoo but I really don’t regret this one at all.

  24. Tau*

    Thanks to those who responded to me on the work thread a few weeks ago when I was panicking about having broken down crying at work because of my anemia! It gave me the push to really look into iron infusions, and I started those last week. I’m firmly convinced they’re magical – today I managed to climb six steps without slowing down or starting to breathe heavily. I’m still quite some ways off from normal (I can’t manage a full flight of stairs yet) but this is still an immense improvement over two weeks ago, where I would have to sit down and catch my breath after getting dressed because this apparently counted as an exceptionally strenuous activity.

    I am really looking forward to having a halfway normal level of fitness again; it’s been three months and I think I’ve been starting to forget what it feels like to be capable of basic physical exertion.

    The bad news is that I’m going to have to have surgery to deal with the fibroids causing all this after all. Again. And this time it’ll apparently have to be a larger incision than last time. :/ I’d probably have been more pissed off about this a few months ago, but the intervening time has been so miserable that honestly I’m willing to face it if it means there’s an end to this nonsense, even if it ends up being temporary again.

    1. Tau*

      Oh yeah, an annoyance –

      I visited my brother a few weeks back, when I was at a pretty low point in terms of physical endurance. I told him this. After one day spent at their place, with me mainly lying on the couch, we went on a trip to a local lake in an old quarry where he immediately tried to talk me into going rock climbing. (Me: “Um. Dude. You realise I have no physical condition at all right now, right? I can’t climb stairs. I have trouble walking quickly. You realise that if I push it, I risk blacking out, right?” Him: “But climbing is one of the safest sports if you do faint!”)

      I sent him a text message grumbling that I was getting tired of sitting around the house (because the doctor I went to basically took a look at my hemoglobin levels, blanched, and wrote me a sick note for the next several weeks.) He sent back an invitation to join him and his girlfriend on their weekend hiking/climbing trip.

      Punching him in the face seems like a more and more appropriate reaction. /o\

      1. WellRed*

        Ok, so you’re brother is not your support person in this battle. Do not look for sympathy or understanding there. I hope you have others to talk to or commiserate and maybe punch bro, too.

      2. Observer*

        I know that this is totally not funny, but I had to laugh.

        Your brother is obviously unable to process anything that’s out of the realm of his personal experience. That stinks, but now that you know that, it’s useful information. I’d certainly NOT text him with any expectation of support or empathy because he simply doesn’t have the wherewithal, and it’s just setting yourself up for frustration.

        I hope he and GF don’t plan to have kids.

    2. Chaordic One*

      I’m glad that the infusions are helping you to feel better. It’s too bad about needing more surgery, though. I certainly hope that the surgery takes care of the problem once and for all this time. Hugs.

    3. Owler*

      Yay, you! I’ve been on infusions for over a year and a half, starting at the beginning with one every two weeks. After a year, we’ve been tapering the frequency (every two weeks->every four weeks->every six weeks) and we are just now trying a dose of one every three months. I don’t know if you ever got itchy feet when you were trying to fall asleep, but that symptom was back recently. I’m hoping it was just a bad stretch of sleeping.

      Fingers crossed that the infusions plus the surgery help. Be assured that you know yourself best, and don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself.

  25. The Other Dawn*

    So I tried CBD oil for my bulging lumbar disc pain. I bought a bottle of the CW +Plus. I’ve been using it for two weeks and I don’t feel any different so far. I know the website says to give it four to six weeks, but I’m using the recommended dose twice a day and feel basically nothing. I’ve just about finished the bottle, so I’m going to try a different brand and see if that helps. This time I ordered CBD Pure 600. There was a discount code, so I saved $12 a bottle. I ordered two so I can give it a full four to six weeks without reordering, or rather forgetting to reorder. I’m hoping this one works better for me.

    2. misspiggy*

      I use a lot more than the recommended dose and am getting some good relief, for short periods at least. Based on the instructions on my bottle, you can go at least three times over the recommended dose as long as you watch out for possible wooziness (and diuretic effect, if you’re me).

      It’s helpful but nowhere near as good as the full marijuana effect.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yeah, I was really hoping that it would kick in fairly quickly. I actually didn’t notice on the website that it said to give it four to six weeks. I didn’t see that until after I bought. I wish I’d seen it earlier so I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up so high. I’ll see if this other brand works better. I also don’t want to be spending hundreds of dollars a month on it.

    3. Blue Roses*

      Unfortunately, CBD products derived from industrial hemp (ie, those which are legal in places that have not legalized marijuana) are almost completely unregulated as they are considered dietary supplements. CBD definitely doesn’t help everyone, but it is possible that the reason you are not feeling relief is that the products you have access to could contain no CBD or much less than advertised on the bottle. Personally I would definitely continue for the recommended period of time and see if the effect improves, but just wanted to bring up this possibility in case you weren’t aware

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I was reading about that. The ones I’ve bought are sourced from Colorado. Since I bought two bottles of CBD Pure, I should have plenty to last for the full four to six weeks. And this one shows it has more mg per serving that the first one I bought. If I was eligible, I would go right for the MMJ edibles, but oil will have to do for now.

  26. Lora*

    “In a few years your friends will start getting divorced and so on and you’ll have people to hang out with again”

    This is correct.

    Divorced, never getting married again. I won’t say I wish I never had gotten married – my life would have been different, and not in a bad way. Probably would have gone to medical school and I am not sure that would have been a career choice I’d have been ultimately happy in? But the best thing you can do is just live your damn life, really.

    Honestly, most people I know who want to get married want a big party. They aren’t thinking about legal terms and what that means – giving someone other than your immediate family power of attorney and all your money and assets, or access to insurance. They want a party, a super nice one, with a fancy dress and jewelry. You can have a party whenever you want. You can wear nice jewelry whenever.

      2. Snickerdoodle*

        Yup. I’ve said that a hundred times if I’ve said it once. There’s a big difference between getting married and being married.

    3. Nervous Accountant*

      Funny, i got married bc I wanted sex. Love and affection. To start living my own life, away from my parents.

      Funny how life turns out.

  27. WellRed*

    I know there are always comments about introversion or just plain lack of energy. I pushed out of my comfort zone to go to a birthday party Thursday for a former coworker. I caught up with her and another former cw, got some good indusrty gossip and met someone else in the industry who I hit it off with. Hopefully a nudge toward moving forward with certain unnamed today aspects of life. Last night, class reunion. Staying in tonite for sure!

    1. nep*

      Good for you. That is a full couple of days–sounds draining, but worthwhile. Whenever I do that and it turns out OK, I get a nice little lift from it. (But also great to be OK allowing yourself stay in when you need to–because it truly is a need.)

      1. WellRed*

        It wasn’t as draining as I thought. It helps that both nights I left when I wanted. In my 20s, I feared missing out if I didn’t stay till the bitter end (yeah, missed nothing).

  28. The Other Dawn*

    Game night. Thank you all for the game recommendations a few weeks ago. I bought Exploding Kittens, What Do You Meme?, and Uno. I ultimately went with What Do You Meme? The reason being that we played Cards Against Humanity at the previous game night and What Do You Meme? is basically the same thing, but with memes that went viral and the cards are captions rather than words to finish a sentence. It went well and we liked the game. My only complaint was that the pictures weren’t that great. I know that they’re from meme’s that went viral, but without the caption that helped them go viral, it was kind of just a weird picture. I really wanted to try Exploding Kittens, but after reading how to play, I knew the game would turn into a clusterf*ck and take way too long. I plan to play it through a few times with friends or family and see how it goes.

    As for the food, I should have planned better and told people what I was serving (although they don’t all check their email, not all of them text, etc., so not sure it would have helped). I hadn’t figured out what to serve until the day before. I ended up making a small veggie platter with store-bought Ranch and a homemade dill dip (dill and parsley from my garden!), homemade salsa (tomatoes and jalapenos from my garden!) and chips, fruit platter, a cheese/beef salsa hot dip, cheese and crackers, and cookies. I also bought wine and made a pitcher of blue margaritas. Guess what people brought? Carrots and hummus, salsa and chips, wine, and several fruit dishes from two different people. Someone brought brownies so the cookies didn’t get touched. So yeah, I have LOTS left over and what I had seems to have multiplied. I was actually surprised people brought so much, as they hadn’t any other time. I’m thinking that they were trying to help me out since I wasn’t sure what to serve and maybe they figured they’d make it easy on me, which I appreciate. The up side is that I’ve been eating like absolute garbage lately so now I have a ton of healthy stuff in my fridge and salad fixings I don’t have to buy.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! I’m happy to have all this healthy stuff I can (should) snack on. It will help me get back on track. When everyone showed up and saw what I put out and what they brought, we all started talking about how people tend to be on the same wavelength at the same time or similar things all happen in one week. Like when you’ve never seen a red Camaro and all of a sudden you see three in two days and then a friend says, “Oh my dad bought a red Camaro.” It was definitely nice to have healthy food this time. The first two times it was almost all junk food, which meant I felt a bit queasy from the sugar. (Yes, I didn’t need to eat that much but I did.)

    2. only acting normal*

      Exploding Kittens was a huge hit on our last big family holiday – everyone from age 7 to 70 played it together.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        We had an age range of 43 (me) to 80. It wasn’t the age range that stopped me from playing it. It was more that I hadn’t yet played it myself and wasn’t confident I could explain it to everyone else. They all tend to like very simple games that can be played quickly.

  29. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Divorce issues update:

    So a few things have happened in the last 2 weeks. I managed to get most of my house cleaned out, and learned there are major issues with the roof and some structural damage to one outer wall. It’s more than I can handle or want to deal with. Now, I’m going to move in with my Mom, in my old room, and probably sell the house for whatever I can get for it. To be honest, this is scary! Starting all over again at 55 years of age, with very few possessions, but I have a decent job, good friends, family support, and I’m strong. The saddest part is finding homes for my cats. I love them so much but Mom has a cat who is not amenable to being around any other animal, so I have to rehome them.

    I also spoke to STBEXH’s sister. She stopped by while I was on dumpster detail, and we had a long talk. She said her brother is clearly off the rails. I also learned that after he totaled the Subaru (that I paid to fix), he borrowed his brother in law’s truck, wrecked that causing $3K in damages, and that’s why he was pressing me for the settlement early. They were pressuring him to get the repairs done, and no wonder, it was 3 months and they still hadn’t gotten any money from him and the truck was stuck at the repair shop.

    STBEXH did file for a change of address, as the post office mailed the confirmation to the house. He still hasn’t closed the bank account, so I’ll have to do that. I’ve asked several times, to no avail.

    I got the old SUV on the road again, running, inspected, insured, all of it – and learned he totally trashed the braking system. My mechanic was able to disconnect the ABS system so I have regular old style power brakes, which is OK, since I learned how to drive with manual brakes :) **1967 Ford 3 on the tree manual everything!!** I’m going to clean it out today. For some reason, there is deer hair on the front passenger floor area. Not even trying to understand that. It’s just gross, smelly, and seriously I want to hose it out.

    The good news is – no more contact from him, no threats, nothing – and I like it this way. I was happy to talk to his sister, we always had a good relationship and I was glad that she stopped by. She wasn’t fishing for any information, and I could tell she was clearly concerned for her brother, as she should be, he’s not doing well.

    So here I am. 55 years old, moving back to my childhood home, for now, very few possessions, sort of in debt, but not too bad compared to a lot of people, I have a car, a job, friends…and hope for the future. It might not be the best circumstances, but it’s a whole lot better than it was a year ago. In the past 18 months, I changed jobs, lost my Dad, lost 2 pets, filed for divorce, moved in with a friend, now moving to my Mom’s house, so many changes, but I am moving forward! And considering all that’s happened, I think I’m doing pretty well.

    2. MechanicalPencil*

      I am so impressed with your strength and outlook on all of this. I am looking forward to seeing how you continue to power forward and overcome the obstacles in your path.

    3. Anontoday*

      Hang in there! You’re doing amazing! I know it’s been hell, but you’ve been an inspiration to me. I know that may sound strange, but it’s true. I’m leaving an emotionally abusive relationship I’ve been in for more than a decade. I’m younger than you, but moving in with family also, as I have no where else to go. I have no job and two pets and I am terrified but also excited. It’s not just a new chapter, but a new book and I hope we’re both able to write amazing HAPPY stories.

    4. Turtlewings*

      I’m glad you’re starting to get your footing again and things are going okay-for-the-circumstances. So sorry about your cats, that’s tough. :( Are you going to be living with your mother long-term? If it’s just while you find a place of your own, maybe one of your friends could foster the cats short-term. (For the record, living with your mother long-term is a perfectly fine plan, if that’s the plan. I live my sister, occasionally someone acts like that’s weird, but we get along, live in the same town, probably neither of us could afford a place on our own, so why shouldn’t we live together?)

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      You are an inspiration. I’ve been reading and following. Super hard, but you are showing it can be done. I’m 61 and soon to be a widow. What’s coming out – as his life winds down – is the kind of stuff that makes me wish we had divorced years ago, when I had an inkling (but it was hidden and I was bullied into not engaging on it). My finances are a wreck, if my mom lived where I could live with her and keep my job (she doesn’t) – I’d be moving in with her. As it is, I’m possibly looking at bankruptcy. And the retirement funds got drained. Not to mention the humiliation of the lies and deceit and the good people he’s taken down with him.
      So reading your saga – and that you are persevering and making it through – helps. Thank you.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      Glad to hear that bank account is finally getting closed. Be sure to do a credit check to make sure he doesn’t have any other lines of credit in your name. Sorry to hear about the cats.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      You are doing very well. This is how hard this stuff is, “doing well” looks like what you are saying here. I’d like to help add to your list of accomplishments: You have kept your presence of mind; you have found new parts of you and you have stood up for yourself. Sure, life looks like a patchwork quilt right now with random solutions forced together in some semblance of order.
      What this means though, is when it is time for you to spread your wings and fly, then you will soar. See, it’s what we do with the tough stuff that telegraphs how we will do later on. You now know that you think on your feet quite well. You know that you can count on your own self to be chief advocate and ally. Normal stuff that used to look hard is going to now look like a piece of cake and you will just walk right through it with ease that you never saw before. Part of that is definitely from not being held back any more but part of that is the accumulation of what you have learned through all this. Time will surprise you on this one, with how much easier some things are.

    10. Detective Amy Santiago*

      You are doing fantastic!

      If you’re comfortable sharing your general geographic location, maybe we can help with the re-homing efforts?

    11. Vancouver Reader*

      I just want you to know that you are the one who inspired me to ask for a divorce. Although my situation isn’t nearly as bad, I knew I wasn’t in the best place possible, but was too scared to move ahead. Reading your posts gave me the confidence to do what I needed to do. I probably will also end up moving back in with a parent in the end, but the peace of mind that comes with doing what’s right for me is so worth it. Thank you for posting here and we’ll keep cheering you on.

  30. poetry writing*

    What poets/books of poetry do you like? I’m trying to expand my reading. Right now, I’m reading Molly Peacock The Analyst and Mary Oliver’s Devotions.

    1. Almost Academic*

      Sappho and e.e. cummings are my two favorites! For Sappho, I really like the Mary Barnard translation of her fragments.

    3. hermit crab*

      I tend to like the 20th century Americans, particularly Elizabeth Bishop and Marianne Moore. My favorite poem is Robert Frost’s “Directive.” And for something totally different, Jeffrey McDaniel’s book The Endarkenment is hilarious and dark and amazing.

      I also subscribe to the Academy of American Poets “poem a day” email. They generally do new/as-yet-unpublished poems on weekdays and older poems in the public domain on weekends, with a real focus on current issues and poets from underrepresented groups. I highly recommend it!

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I love Elizabeth Bishop!

        I also really like Stevie Smith, and, for a change of pace, Charles Causley.

    5. gecko*

      The book I carry around most days is Marie Howe’s What the Living Do (here’s the eponymous poem, which is one of my favorites: https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/what-living-do). On its face, it’s a sad poem & a sad book–about the narrator’s brother who died of AIDS, in part–but it gives me a lot of strength.

      I have a huge weakness for Scheherazade by Richard Siken (http://youngerpoets.yupnet.org/2008/04/22/scheherazade-crush-by-richard-siken/), because of how lyrical and passionate it is, while maintaining a modern tone and not getting cheesy. Plus I feel like I read it at the perfect time–in college when I was starting my first passionate romances as well.

      Black Stone on a White Stone by César Vallejo has stayed with me for a long time. This is one of my favorite translations: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/50934/black-stone-on-a-white-stone. I really like Borges and Neruda as well, if we’re still talking poetry in translation.

      Other names from stuff on my shelf: Alejandra Pizarnik, Alicia Jo Rabins, Robert Lowell, Madelyn Camrud, Sylvia Plath’s Lady Lazarus (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/49000/lady-lazarus).

    7. T*

      I have just started reading a collection by Judith Beveridge. I’m quite enjoying it – I love nature themed poetry and that is where she focusses.

      I think my favourite poet though is Maya Angelou. Not so nature themed, but I really like how well she captures feelings of joy in adversity.

  31. nep*

    poetry writing’s post reminded me–Did any of you read the poem that The Nation magazine ran and then pulled, publishing a huge apology?
    Thoughts?
    (For me, The Nation loses all respectability on this one.)

      1. nep*

        Right–my mistake. They kept the poem there, just topped with an apology…longer than the poem.
        Thanks for the link. Look forward to reading that.

        1. nep*

          (I guess not notable that it’s longer than the poem…a poem could be but a couple lines. In any case, pretty sad.)

  32. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Hummm my post today is in moderation, not sure why :) but there is an update! So grateful for everyone here reading my comments and following along. It’s been a huge help to me!

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Sometimes the filter is just wonky.

      I hope it’s a positive update! I’ll look for it later.

  33. heckofabecca*

    Well, I had my second ice cream sundae party in as many weeks, and we still have over half our freezer full of ice cream containers! I think most of them are closer to empty than full, but man I am very much looking forward to having our freezer back.

    The second party on Thursday was great—I forgot to put out the cones and people STILL said it felt insanely indulgent! And all very low-effort.

    What are your favorite ice cream toppings? Mine are warm peanut butter sauce and mini M&Ms :)

    1. Gilmore67*

      Brownie pieces, cookie dough, crushed Butterfinger. Anyone one or all of those in a blended ice cream shake or on top of an ice cream sundae.

      And also that fudgy thicker stuff that kinda freezes when it hits the cold ice cream.

      It is breakfast time here where I live and now I want ice cream for breakfast !

      1. Gilmore67*

        A while back, I actually worked in the industry of making sprinkles. There is so much that goes into it, it was pretty cool to see how they are made.

        Interesting to see how all those shapes and colors are made and then blended together to get what we finally see at the stores. There is a lot to it !

        I am still a big kid looking at all those donuts and ice cream sundaes and cookies with all those colors and I want them all !!

          1. Gilmore67*

            Kinda like a play dough machine. Mix the ingredients and they then get pushed through a extrusion machine into long thin strips and then cut.

            Shapes like Xmas trees or Halloween stuff are the same idea but a large round mold type thing that has the shape cut into it and again, ingredients are mixed and then pressed through the mold. Of course there are 100 or whatever little of those shapes in the mold and pressed out.

            This is all just simply put. I only saw it a couple of times as I was in the office where we took the orders in another building but you get the point.

            So when you see your mix of sprinkles lets say for Halloween, there are like 4 shapes and some sprinkles…. each one of those has to get made separately and then all mixed together.

            It can be a pretty long process. One color sprinkle, pink….. make it through them in a box and your done. Lots of colors.. make ALL the colors…. mix and then box.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Hmm. Well, I’m someone who lives for the chunks in the ice cream. Basically, I like a bunch of chunks held together with some ice cream. If I eat that kind of ice cream I like minimal toppings, like some hot fudge (not chocolate sauce–it has to be fudge!) and maybe some peanut butter sauce.

      If I’m having smooth or semi-smooth ice cream I like hot fudge, peanut butter sauce, marshmallow sauce, M&Ms and anything else that’s chocolate and is crunchy.

      When I was kid, my parents always bought the most boring ice cream: Neapolitan, heavenly hash (not sure if they still sell this), plain chocolate/vanilla/strawberry, maple walnut (yuck) or rum raisin (yuck). I would add a ton of extras to make into something that wasn’t so boring. Typically I’d add anything we had on hand: jarred peanut butter, chocolate sauce (we almost never had hot fudge), Nestle Quik powder, powdered hot chocolate, potato chips or pretzels (I once put tortilla chips in chocolate ice cream and it was delicious), Rice Krispies (or any other crunchy, somewhat neutral cereal), chopped up Little Debbie snack cakes if we had them. So yeah, a “garbage” sundae was my thing.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Wet walnuts are my absolute favorite. I also have a fondness for Magic Shell, but I haven’t had it in YEARS.

      Now I want ice cream. I just ate a pastry for the first time in ages. Sigh.

    6. Turtlewings*

      Oreo pieces and hot fudge! Wow, an ice cream sundae party sounds like a blast, maybe I should throw one of those.

    7. CAA*

      You can make ice cream take less space in your freezer by turning it into an ice cream torte. Take a bread loaf pan* or any other deep-ish container you have. Soften one flavor by leaving it on the counter for 15 mins and spread it into the pan. Put the pan in the freezer and soften the next flavor. Spread it on top of the first flavor. Continue making layers until the pan is full or you are out of ice cream. Freeze for at least an hour. Unmold by running a knife around the edge and dipping the pan in a sink of hot water to free the top. Slice and serve. You can also get creative and use toppings or crushed cookies to separate the layers of ice cream.

      * you could probably also use one of the ice cream containers to build your torte in

    8. Anonymosity*

      I like chocolate sauce or hot fudge, and finely chopped nuts. The only chunks I like in ice cream are chocolate chips. I also like to crumble Flake bars on top of ice cream, either vanilla or strawberry. :D

    9. Anono-me*

      1. Nestle Quick Chocolate powder on vanilla ice cream.

      2. I am totally stealing this party idea. It is brilliant.

      3. My favorite type of pie to make is Ice Cream Pie. You may like to try it, as you have so much ice cream

      Ice Cream Pie Recipe

      1. Cookie crumb pie crust (chocolate, vanilla wafer, or graham cracker)

      2. 1/3 gallon ice cream (flavor of your choice)

      3. Garnish. (Chocolate shavings, nuts, candies, etc.)

      Directions:

      Take the ice cream out of the freezer and let it soften, but not melt.

      Spread the ice cream in the pie crust.

      Garnish.

      Put pie back in the freezer for at least 45 minutes.

    10. Koala dreams*

      Recently I’ve been trying muesli as ice cream topping. It’s surprisingly good! The crispy goes well together with the rich ice-cream.

    12. Jemima Bond*

      Ok this is the leftovers from a different dessert (which is also lovely) but trust me.
      Take about a pound of strawberries, hull and halve them. Sprinkle over five tablespoons of caster sugar and 3 teaspoons of balsamic vinegar (I said trust me) and stir it up. I like to do this in a lidded Tupperware container and give it a bit of a shake. Leave in fridge for a couple of hours then serve with little sponges or thin shortbread or similar. Serves 4.
      Take the leftover syrup next day, boil it to reduce and thicken, then put on ice cream – this will only be enough for one. But it is divine.

  34. Thursday Next*

    I’ve been trying to dig myself out of a trough of depression. I keep thinking about how different my life would be/could have been if I hadn’t had to contend with depression for the last thirty years.

    Important note: I am in therapy and on meds (we’re tinkering with doses); I’m not in any danger.

    Some days I feel like I’m moving through sludge just to do the smallest things. I always stay on top of caring for my children—I think my depression radar has evolved so that it pings before there’s any danger that I might be getting bad enough to stop taking good care of them.

    I stopped working three years ago because the demands of parenting two special needs children became too much, but I’ve been wondering now if I could manage to work, if I wasn’t contending with my own stuff. Depression coupled with chronic illness/pain is no joke. I feel like I have lost years to my mental and physical illnesses.

    I think I appear to be a functional adult? I’m very much of the Soldier On school. I just wish I could do more.

    No real question here. Thanks for reading.

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      internet hugs if you want it.

      Two special needs kids is a lot – my experience is that one usually means a full-time SAH parent is needed. Depending on the need, it can get better when they’re school-age, but no guarantee. The best I’ve seen people able to do is fitting in gig work on the sides, never anything consistent or reliable.

    3. anonosaur*

      Hi, Thursday. I’ve so been there. I have bipolar and have similar trains of thought about what my life would be like if I didn’t have to manage that. I’ve been on meds and asymptomatic for almost 10 years but it still hits me sometimes that other people don’t have to deal with the same stuff, and what if I was one of those people? You are not alone in that. Taking care of one’s mental health can be a full-time job in and of itself.

      If you ever do decide to start working again, I’d highly recommend looking into respite care/personal support worker programs provided by your state or health insurance. I’ve worked as a personal support worker for a kiddo with special needs so the parents could work and run errands and whatnot. And a coworker at a different job used respite care for her son with autism so she could go work. Her family didn’t really need the money but she worked a part time job just to get out of the house and meet people and said respite care was invaluable for her. I hope there’s something like that available to you! Take care.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thank you for saying that. Sometimes I feel so guilty, you know? Because it takes all my spoons just to stay afloat sometimes.

        I think having some kind of part-time/side gig work that gets me to interact with people would help my mental health. I am adjuncting a course this fall, and it only meets once a week, which works well for me.

        I know prioritizing my own care is important, but it’s just so hard. I am trying, though.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      You are so not alone!
      Moving through sludge is EXACTLY the feeling. Maybe we haven’t ‘lost’ years to illness/pain that never goes away. Maybe we’ve spent those years conquering them, even if we don’t feel that way. Maybe we have a chestful of invisible medals for what we went through. As a fellow ‘soldier’ in this invisible war, I send you my support and utmost respect.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Ooh, you’re right—I should totally extend the soldier metaphor! Thank you for this reframing.

    6. Observer*

      You’re being a bit too hard on yourself, I think. You have two special needs children. Unless you have a LOT of help, that’s pretty much a full time job on its own. So, yeah, MAYBE you could do more if you were someone else, but it’s not all that likely.

      I know very few families with special needs children where both partners work outside the home. It’s just not practical most of the time.

  35. RockyRoad*

    Does anyone have suggestions for easily packable (or prepackaged) snacks that are low in sugar? I’ve been using cereal bars, breakfast bars and granola bars to snack on for years but recently realized how much sugar they have in them. I think the sugar is why I tend to have bursts of energy filled by tiredness throughout the day.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Nuts come to mind immediately.

      Do they need to be shelf stable? There are a lot of protein heavy snack packs that include cheese and dried fruit but they require refrigeration.

    2. heckofabecca*

      If you’re alright with a non-bar option, you could create your own little pouch of munchies in whatever combo you like. Peanuts, tree nuts, dried fruit, etc. You could add in a bit of granola/etc, just in smaller amounts than a full granola bar might have to keep the amount of sugar down. I usually keep a bag of peanuts in my backpack so I can quickly grab a bite. Added bonus: ziploc bags are very quiet! (And if it’s just peanuts, I reuse the ziploc bag.)

      Good luck :)

    3. nep*

      Yes–those bars can be absolutely packed with sugar. (I make my own bars–you could try that if it’s an option.)
      Some suggestions: Seaweed snacks, nuts, single-serving packets of nut butter.
      Also fruits–high in sugar, yes, but you’re getting some good fiber at the same time.

    4. BRR*

      Trail mix. I specifically get one type from Trader Joe’s that of course I can’t remember at the moment. I believe the price per pound is the same for the pre-packaged and the big bag which is nice.

      1. hermit crab*

        Yes! I started buying the Trader Joe’s individually packaged trail mix a while back and now eat it for breakfast at my desk every day. I have NO self control and am apparently also too lazy to package my own trail mix into baggies, so the individually packed servings are great. I feel a little guilty about the extra packaging but it’s perfect for me diet-wise. My favorite is the one with almonds, cashews, and dried cranberries.

    6. Jules the 3rd*

      Dried veggies are starting to be popular. Commercial bagged ones are super-salty and expensive, but it’s not real hard to dehydrate carrots. One recipe in the link. I think I’ve also started to see them in bulk food areas.

      Boiled eggs need cooling, but that can be a cold pack in an insulated bag; there’s really small ones around now, they don’t have to be school lunch sized.

      If you don’t mind salt, fats and preservatives, sausages. Slim Jim or summer sausages; pepperoni. I sometimes put them on a low salt triscuit for carb balancing.

    7. Rookie Biz Chick*

      Depending on how you can store your snacks, a container of sliced meat and cheese (my favs are prosciutto and manchego with a drizzle of olive oil) and hard-boiled eggs.

    8. Natalie*

      Veggies and hummus. Even if you don’t have a refrigerator they’ll be fine out at room temp for a few hours. I like carrots, personally, but really anything you can cut into crudités would be fine.

      Hard boiled eggs.

    9. Thursday Next*

      Nuts are the best. Mix in a bit of unsweetened dried fruit to liven it up a bit. Chocolate chips on the days when a bit of extra sugar would be okay.

      Before I was gluten free, I found Triscuit crackers to be the most filling, so I’d eat those with Laughing Cow cheese wedges.

      Sliced apples do nicely in a baggie if you splash some lemon juice on them—it keeps them from browning, Apple + cheese is a good energy combo for me.

    10. Denise*

      Look for the lower sugar Kashi cereals and just throw some in a bag, maybe with some nuts. Be careful with the dried fruit in trail mix, as that can be just a nutritious sugar bomb as well. Maybe instead throw only a tablespoon in with the a mix you make yourself.

    11. RockyRoad*

      It feels like it’d be weird to reply to every individual comment, so just wanted to leave one comment saying Thank You for all the suggestions. :) Lots of good foods to consider that I hadn’t thought of before.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Ok I’m in uk but sure you have similar things over where you are – do you like rice cakes? I find the savoury ones very munchable. Marmite flavour is fabulous but might not be on the shelves near you? Or I really like the puffed corn version. Kallo is the brand here.

    12. AnonymousCelebrity*

      Quest bars and pistachios! I discovered Quest bars a few months ago and love them. Very low sugar (like, 3 grams per bar), 20 to 21 grams of protein, and 14 to 16 grams of fiber, depending on which flavor you choose. Pricey but worth it for portable nutrition. I get four bars for $7.99 at Target and always have some around. And pistachios are delicious and relatively low in calories and high in protein. No sugar in them, of course. And they don’t go rotten. And almonds of course.

      1. Be the Change*

        Ok, now I am curious! Like, to drink like orange juice? How do you get it? Do you put anything in it or is it straight up?

        1. nep*

          Straight up, baby. I make it in our juicer. (It can also be made in a blender / just need to strain.)
          Celery ‘cut’ with a cucumber or piece of lemon or apple are certainly common combinations for juices. And delicious. Some people prefer to add something as celery solo can be a bit much. (Quite salty.)
          I want the benefits of the nutritional powerhouse that is celery, but I don’t like celery. Love the juice and I feel like a million bucks when it’s a habit. I’ve read from many sources that it’s most beneficial to drink it straight first thing in the a.m. on empty stomach, and waiting 15-30 min before taking anything else; that’s what I do. The habit also gets me to just chill in the morning before reaching for the caffeine or things to eat.

      2. hermit crab*

        Gah! I tried celery juice once and it was perhaps the nastiest thing I’ve ever tasted. And the color didn’t help! I’m glad someone out there enjoys it.

        1. nep*

          And I love the color. It looked so pretty in this cool little bottle I use, I sent a pic of it to someone with the caption, ‘Love in a bottle.’
          I didn’t expect I’d be able to down a lot of it without some apple or lemon mixed in, but I actually do like it.

    2. BRR*

      Being able to connect my phone to my car’s speakers. It’s pretty new for me as I got a new car not too long ago after driving a 2003 model. I’ve done a lot of long-distance driving recently and it’s incredibly nice to easily be able to play podcasts, music, and audio books.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      My sparkling clean house. It only got that way because I hosted the bi-weekly game night and these women are not yet in friend territory where I feel comfortable having them see my normal level of clean. Downside is I spent most of my vacation week cleaning and installing curtains. Upside is a sparkling clean house, healthy leftover game night snacks, and curtains. (I moved in four years ago and couldn’t pull the trigger on curtains. 1735 house with patterned wallpaper makes decorating tough!)

      1. Tessa Karlov*

        Wow, 1735?! The oldest house I’ve stayed in was from 1902, and I thought that was ancient! What did you end up going with for curtains?

      1. Be the Change*

        I loved those at my grandma’s house. I liked to take the back covers which had art on them, and decorate my room. Do they still have art on the back?

      2. The New Wanderer*

        Ooh, I have a bone to pick with this month’s “Genius” issue. It has a bunch of brain-teasers, and one is questionable (I think it’s outright wrong but I may or may not be a genius).

        For the curious, the abridged problem is:
        Soph and Caro made arrangements to meet up at 2 pm. Soph thinks her watch is 25 min fast, but it is actually 10 minutes slow. Caro thinks her watch is 10 min slow, but it is actually 5 min fast. What will happen if they both aim to arrive at exactly 2 pm?

        The answer, per the book, is Soph is 35 min late and Caro is 15 min early. But this assume that Soph doesn’t care that her watch is 25 min fast (as she believes) and Caro doesn’t care that her watch is 10 min slow. Which makes no sense.

        My answer, as someone who used to set my watch 15 min fast on purpose, is that anyone who *thinks* their watch is off will compensate for it, apply a correction, and arrive at the time they think it actually is (not watch-time). Therefore, Soph will aim to arrive at 2:25 by her watch believing it to be 2 pm, but is really 2:10 because her watch is slow. Caro will aim to arrive at 1:50 by her watch believing it to be 2 pm, but is really 1:55 because her watch is fast.

        Anyway, just had to put that out there.

    5. Kate Daniels*

      Mason jars! I discovered that they are excellent at storing and keeping snacks and candies fresh (and much more environmentally friendly than ziplock bags). I have one that I put instant pudding powder inside so when I need a sweet fix, I can easily make a single serving of pudding by adding some milk!

    6. Natalie*

      Tomato jam.

      For the first time since I’ve had this garden my slicer-sized tomatoes are producing and they’re making up for lost time I guess because I had five pounds yesterday even after cutting out bug bites, stems, rotten spots, etc and there are a dozen more on the fine. It was a literal hot mess for three hours and then it was jam suddenly. Tastes good, looks pretty, just have to can it and it will last a while!

    7. AnonymousCelebrity*

      My house. It’s so comfortable, set up the way I like, looks the way I like, super-affordable mortgage payment, everything works (HVAC, plumbing, wiring, large and small appliances), and it’s in a nice, quiet, safe neighborhood with considerate neighbors. Just thinking about my house relaxes me. It is my refuge from stress and ugliness. And when people come to visit, they all comment on how nice it is. One friend said it best: “This is a happy house.”

  37. Red Sky*

    In Feb 2017 I was involved in a car accident that totaled my car and messed up my left trapezius muscle which now spasms and knots up intermittently. The person who caused the accident was uninsured, so I’m dealing with my insurance, which is taking forever. I’ve received a settlement for the car, but the medical settlement is dragging on and on. So my question is, how long should this be taking, is a year and a half normal? Also, should I be asking for anything beyond just covering my doctor bills? An acquaintance mentioned pain & suffering, but I’m not really sure how that works. Any and all advice greatly appreciated.

    2. neverjaunty*

      NOT Norma and if you don’t have a lawyer, strongly recommend getting one ASAP. Insurance companies just plain don’t take you seriously otherwise.

      1. Red Sky*

        I did speak with a few lawyers after the accident and they basically said it wasn’t worth it to them because my injuries weren’t that extensive/serious. The one that was willing to take my case wanted me to do some shady sounding stuff involving their doctors, so I declined.

        I’m bummed because other than this, AAA has been pretty decent, we have them for home and life insurance in addition to auto. It might be time to switch insurers.

    3. E*

      Not a lawyer, but I have heard that it is very difficult to get money for pain and suffering, as it is hard to quantify damages.

    4. Everdene*

      I was in a RTA several years ago and it took 7 years for all the legal stuff to be settled. Part of that was because if the severity of injuries but 18 months in, I’d only had a small interim payment.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      You might check with the insurance commission office of your state or with your state attorney general.

      I can say from my own experience, before you move ahead know what it is you really want. They may not be closing the case because you are still in treatment? If you are do you want them to keep paying for treatments until it’s not necessary? When ever I have gone to the state with something I have gotten help but I had a clear definition of what I wanted before I started. This really helps to lay this out in clear description. Something like this you might make out better by going to the state than you would with a private attorney, because of costs to you with the private attorney.
      I am not a lawyer nor a llama. And I do not see everything involved here. So this is worth about two cents.

    6. Rosalind*

      Call your local bar association for referrals. Smaller firms may take smaller cases. You should also find out when your statute of limitations runs and keep an eye on timing. A local lawyer might be willing to consult and give you an idea of the process.

    1. StudentA*

      I like the show a lot. I stream it on Netflix, I don’t watch it on tv. So I don’t think I’m current to the season you’re referring to. I did enjoy seasons 2 and 3 a lot.

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      Glad to see other fans. I won’t post any spoilers.
      Unlike some fans, I’m not necessarily eager to see more characters from Breaking Bad appear in this show. Loved BB, but it was its own show. I don’t need to see a high-school-aged Jesse in this prequel.

    3. Melonhead*

      I’m a rabid “Saul” fanatic. Had been watching with my son & husband, but zipped ahead of them and binged to the end of the season.

      Wish they had more than just one major character who is a woman.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Oh man, is it back on? Thank god… after finishing Pose and the newest GLOW I’ve been short of TV material for the last few weeks.

      I know what I’m doing tonight! :D

  39. Waiting for the Sun*

    For anyone who has used both the paid versions of OkCupid and Match.com, compare and contrast. Thanks.
    I’m comment-happy today.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      I met my boyfriend on Match! I only paid for 1 month when there was someone I wanted to talk to (i.e. him). I also paid for 1 month on ChristianMingle and got 1 date there a year before I met boyfriend. So my online dating experience is neither deep nor varied (although ultimately sucessful!).

      I’d be happy to answer any specific questions about Match (although it’s been about a year and half since I used it). I do think the pool on any specific site is going to vary hugely by region though.

  40. ThatGirl*

    Rough couple weeks, punctuated by my manager (who I loved) being let go, temporary car trouble, and finding out I’d embarrassed myself a bit at work which led to me crying! In front of my boss! I wanted to crawl under the table.

    The non work part of this is how do I get back to the stable, competent person I’m usually seen as?

    1. nep*

      Sorry things have been rough.
      Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward, in every moment giving the best you’ve got at that time. Be that stable, competent person you are. (Even stable, confident people stumble.) I’m sure this is a much bigger deal for you than for others; of course it would be–you were the one going through it. But people are concerned about their own stuff for the most part.
      Take whatever lessons might be in the past events, but don’t dwell back there.
      All the best to you.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Thank you. :) I am trying not to get into the work stuff, maybe next Friday, but I’m trying to sort through my feelings and get back to “here’s what I’m doing well, here’s what I need to adjust” and also take care of myself.

  41. Bones*

    I just got an idea for a gift to give my coworker after she gives birth: is it dumb or genius?

    Buy a giant cardboard pizza box. For about a week, have a little sign(?) at our reception desk at where my coworker Skye is the beloved receptionist) asking for contributions to a fund for her gift when she gives birth to her daughter, Sunny: we fill the box with cash and take-out menus from delivery places near where Skye lives in NYC. We keep the box at reception for maybe a week, and people can donate and write “welcome to the world, Sunny!!” messages on the box (maybe have nicely colored markers?). Wrap the box in a nice ribbon and bring it to her (somehow…?).

    What do you all think? For reference I work at a fairly large hedge fund in New York City.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Oh, I think that sounds really cute! People could also give restaurant gift cards instead of cash.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Or Seamless gift cards! When people ask me what I miss most about living in New York, I often include Seamless in my list.

    2. MechanicalPencil*

      I think that’s a great idea! Sometimes a meal is way better than more onesies and burp cloths.

    3. Doloris Van Cartier*

      We are going to do that for my coworker so it sounds like a great idea! We aren’t doing a public collection but are going to get some restaurant gift cards for them as they don’t have a great need for baby items. The pizza idea box is fun and a cute way to present it. You could also use Chinese takeout containers to collect and present it which you can get a craft store.

    4. Legalchef*

      It’s cute but I wouldn’t do it w a pizza box where people write messages, because w all the messages on it she might want to keep it and then would have to store it and in a NYC apt that’s not the easiest! Same w takeout menus.

      Maybe get one of those big cards so there is space for people to write messages, and collect for a seamless gift card? Most people in nyc are using seamless for delivery anyway, and this way she doesn’t have to keep track of menus.

  42. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Hi. I just removed a top-level comment (meaning not a reply to something else) that someone posted to chastise another commenter for a pattern in their comments that the person didn’t like.

    Once again, please stop chastising each other here. If you think something is way over the line, you are welcome to flag it for me and I’ll take a look (but may or may not reach the same conclusion as you). But generally there are going to be lots of different conversational styles here because this is a large group of strangers from many different walks of life and with different frames of reference, all talking anonymously. The increasing amount of chastising each other is making this a much less pleasant place to be, and I’m asking people to stop. Thank you.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        The best way to flag something is to reply to it and include a link. That sends it to moderation.

    2. BRR*

      Thank you. I know you’ve had to spend more time moderating recently and I really appreciate the effort you put forth to create such a wonderful environment!

    3. neverjaunty*

      The comments policy currently suggests a polite form of chastisement and doesn’t ask commenters to contact you (and doesn’t immediately indicate how they can do so). Maybe an update would help?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Which part are you seeing that suggests polite chastisement? The only part I can see that might be interpreted that way is this:

        What if a fellow commenter isn’t following these rules?
        If you don’t like the thought of letting something objectionable stand, a comment like “I believe you’re wrong, but I also think this whole point is derailing so I’m not going to engage” or “I don’t think that’s fair, but I don’t want to draw this out and make it the focus of the comments section” is a good approach.

        … but I don’t think that could reasonably be read as encouragement to criticize people’s commenting style or to snipe at each other.

        1. neverjaunty*

          It provides zero guidance that anyone should flag a comment for you, or how to do so.

          It tells people that the way they should deal with over-the-line commenters is to respond to them. Of course it doesn’t say “be snide to them”, but you’ve explicitly told people that the proper way to deal with problem comments is to address the commenter.

    4. Thlayli*

      Thanks Alison I appreciate it.

      Anonymously writing hate messages to someone who’s posted repeatedly about being in the middle of depression is really really low even for internet bullies.

        1. Thlayli*

          No worries :) thanks for apology.

          I must admit I didn’t actually see it myself. When I saw Alison’s post above my inner drama llama got the better of me and i looked on the “other” site which shall remain nameless to see if any of the posters there had seen it – sure enough it was described over there. They probably gave a worse description of it than it actually was – if you say it wasn’t a hate message I believe you rather than them.

          I don’t like that site they’re all so needlessly negative. But I knew where it was from previous posts where people discussed it.

          They do not like me over there! But I figure if someone is the type of person who wastes their time reading something they claim to hate just to waste more time writing insults about it, their priorities are pretty skewed and their opinion isn’t worth worrying about.

          Regarding what I believe was your actual concern – I know I do come across as brusque sometimes, especially when I’m in a rush I just leave short one or two line answers with no emotion words and some people interpret a lack of emotion words as negative emotion or aggression (like how women get told to soften their words in work situations). But i honestly do just mean what I say, I’m not subtly trying to get in digs at people when I ask questions like “why is that a problem”. If I ask that it’s coz I literally don’t see why it’s a problem. I’m a very literal person. all my life I’ve had girls and women think I’m rude (funnily enough very few men think this most men like my style of communication). I decided long ago if someone was going to read stuff into my words that wasn’t actually there, that’s their problem not mine. I don’t have the ability or the time to analyse every possible interpretation someone can put on a literal statement.

          If you look at all my comments on the thread you’ll find quite a few short emotionless responses that are affirmative answers as well as negative ones. Just answering the questions without putting a load of emotion on it.

          I will say that if this had happened a couple weeks ago I would have been really really upset coz I missed an antidepressant two weeks ago and that would have really upset me. But this week I’m on top of my medication and feeling good so no harm done :)

          Sorry for the essay!

    5. Sylvan*

      Not to defend any side of a conversation that I missed most of, but do you have any advice on flagging comments for your moderation? I think some hall monitor commentary comes from people not really knowing what else to do.

      I emailed you once about comments that had gone in a strange direction (people repeatedly recommending a restrictive diet to an LW with a restrictive eating disorder) – but that may not be what you prefer, and may not be appropriate for every comment that crosses a line.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        If you post a comment that says something like “flagging for Alison” and include a link, the link will send the comment to moderation and I will see it much faster than I likely would otherwise. (I’ll then assume you’re just flagging the thing and don’t intend for me to release your comment from moderation, and will go look at what you were replying to.)

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I know this is a weird workaround though. I looked into adding an actual flagging feature to the comment system, but didn’t like any of the ones available. (Most of them would automatically remove comments after a certain number of flags, and I thought that was asking for abuse.)

          1. Observer*

            How recently have you looked? I ask because this is a rapidly moving field, so if the last time you looked was more than 6 months ago, you might want to revisit. If I recall correctly, you do have someone who handles the tech stuff, so it might be worth asking them to look it this again.

            Comment moderation has been a really big deal recently, not just here, so you might just get lucky.

  43. Dopameanie*

    Controversial Opinion Corner:

    You are in possession of a magic wand. It is able to create three things to benefit humanity -and only humanity- as a whole. What would you have it do?

    Obviously, the correct answers are as follows:

    1. A cheap easy efficient way to turn sea water into potable water
    2. A real-life lasso of truth, used by all law enforcement, government officials, and contract negotiations at all times. Additional lassos can be checked out of the local library for any other purposes.
    3. An Anti-Addictor Box. You get in, and it erases the addiction from your mind. You have to be careful with this one, though. It is possible to erase your loved ones, favorite hobby, or other motivation. Drugs, therefore, are still bad. There is no antidote.

    These are obviously the three best contraptions to benefit the world, right?

    FIGHT ME!!!

    BONUS FIGHT:

    What will this world look like? Utopia or dys?

    1. Really*

      How about a cone of common sense? So many things would go better if there was a little more thought before action.

      1. Dopameanie*

        I thought of that for a bit…I decided it would be too vague and individualized. It was common sense for a long time that the sun revolves around the earth, or that you need to do a rain dance or you won’t get rain, or that women can’t be trusted with academics, or any number of things. The wisdom of the crowd has its limits.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Hm. The seawater thing is great, but where does that leave land-locked countries. If we’re going there, why not just create water? It’d be a little more equal. I don’t like the truth thing – too many ways to be abused. Tell me your bank info, tell me the location of the other dissidents, etc. As for addiction, “physical addiction” is really only half the issue.

      I think I’d go with:
      1. Some sort of magic medicine knowledge dispenser (we can learn how to cure cancer and Alzheimers and all that)
      2. Universal translator (no more duolingo)
      3. Some sort of clean renewable energy.

      You can use the easy energy/fuel thing to more easily transport and grow more food and water along with all the other needs, people are more healthy, and you could talk to everyone.

      1. Dopameanie*

        DARN IT! I should’ve thought about the universal translator. That’s a top 3 choice for sure.

        How dare you be right?! You’re messing with my street cred!

    3. SG, MD*

      Why are we giving government and police power to coerce people into revealing their most private thoughts? Eep. I don’t think you though through the implications. The police in North Korea want to know if you really, really love the dear leader. The Russian government wants to know if you ever went on the internet and posted something anonymous about Putin.

      I vote for:
      Carbon sequester-Er: pulls methane and CO2 out of the atmosphere and turns them back into biofuels. Solves global warming AND means that we never need to drill for oil, mine for coal, or frack for natural gas. You just burn fuel then grab it right back out of the air again. CAUTION: may violate fundamental physical laws of the universe

      Save file duplicator. Creates an exact duplicate of any object or living thing – except humans – from any exact moment in the past. Want the library of Alexandria back? Set coordinates to before it burned, and copy to the present. Want the dodo un-extinct? Grab copies of several thousand from before they were all killed. Bam. You have a breeding population of dodos. The original dodos still we’re hunted to extinction. The original library still burned. So history is not changed.
      Does not work on humans because of the irresistible temptation to play God and the inevitable horrific results.
      Cannot copy the future.
      Sixty day waiting period for all dinosaurs.

      Terraformer: pretty much the Genesis thing from wrath of khan. It would be amazing.

      1. Dopameanie*

        You’re looking at this from the wrong direction: not used by government on people, used by government *on government *

        All speeches, all bills introduced, all negotiations, all courtroom testimony…no government officials will be able to lie.

        Think about it: it would discourage people with a shady past from going into politics, and eliminate the unscrupulous from taking advantage of the inherent trust people place in officials of every stripe. What would the Dear Leader say on television if HE had to tell the truth?

        1. SG, MD*

          Yeah – but historically, who gets their hands on the supremely powerful, ethically dubious technology? When you invent nukes, do they go to the peasants or to military superpowers?

          1. Dopameanie*

            My thought is that this will be easy enough to synthesize that it will be in every library and local county office. Like a cell phone maybe: nobody *really* knows exactly how the internals work exactly? But they are simple enough that they are not hard to procure.

            1. SG, MD*

              Still a problem. Hiding and camouflaging are ways people without power survive the people who do have it. Make this lasso of truth widely accessible, and who uses it? Abusive spouses. Bad bosses. Unscrupulous cops.

              People with power don’t care if you know the truth about them. What are you going to do, after all? But they are always really interested it coercing true thoughts and intentions out of people with less power. Did the maid take a break to sit down for ten minutes and watch tv? Did your wife go outside to get the mail when you told her to keep her dumb ass inside until you got home? Are your rotten employees taking post it notes home? Are they thinking about leaving you? Does the nanny really love your kids like she says?

              It’s a big theme in 1984. The inside of your head is the last and only place to be free. It’s the final frontier for the horrifying totalitarian state in that novel. They find a way to force their way inside people’s heads. It’s not enough for Winston to always always act like he loves Big Brother. It’s not enough for him to pretend, perfectly, that he believes two and two are five. They have to torture and break his mind until he genuinely does.

              Nothing good could ever come of ripping away the privacy of people’s minds.

    5. KayEss*

      Agreed on the problems others have pointed out with the lasso of truth. That solves basically none of the problems with law enforcement regarding police bias, etc. Also “truth” is one of the most complicated things there is.

      I don’t know enough about everything involved with climate change to come up with an airtight magical solution, but I’d like to propose: a chemical or bacteria that, under proper conditions, breaks down all plastics into harmless base materials (like water).

      This is a frustrating one, since so many of our problems are inherently social rather than material. :\

      1. Dopameanie*

        IIRC, we already have one of those under exacting labrotory specifications, the trouble is how to keep it from spreading to the plastic you really really need? Like when oxygen tubes start disentegrating? I may not remember all of the article tho.

        1. KayEss*

          Yes, that’s why I thought of it! Maybe the magic could be some substance to spray on plastics to be broken down that activates the bacteria but dissipates quickly enough that it can’t spread to where it’s not wanted.

      2. Dopameanie*

        I think the frustration is why I enjoy thinking about it. I’m endlessly concerned with unforeseen consequences of good intentions. I’ve seen truly horrific consequences of good men trying to interfere in situations they don’t understand, and tragic results of government meddling in places government doesn’t belong. ALL our problems are social, and they are always hard because we are all people- beautiful flawed and contradictory, and because the easy problems with mechanical solutions were *fixed already*

    6. Be the Change*

      Sorry, we need an artificial photosynthesis contraption that can generate electricity first. (And I think the syentists are working on it, but it’s micro micro microscale still.)

      1. hermit crab*

        Yes, I think my vote is also for clean energy. If you have an endless source of consequence-free power, you could run as many desalination plants as you want (the main downside of them is the electricity need) and take care of item #1 above while creating other benefits as well.

    7. Free Meerkats*

      All leaders would act in a way to benefit all mankind.

      Any person taking an action intended to injure another person without their express consent, or if unable to consent, to provide necessary medical care, will immediately become unconscious for 5 minutes. Each subsequent infraction would add 5 minutes.

      Women would have to consciously choose to become pregnant, and be limited to 3 children in their lifetime.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Consciously choosing to become pregnant would be ACE and I am 100% here for that, but I’m not cool with the 3-child limitation. That’s not anyone else’s business.

        1. LCL*

          3 is overly generous, there’s no shortage of humans. And it should include men being limited to fathering x amount, also.

          1. Turtlewings*

            There’s no shortage of books, either, or paintings, or computers, or high-heeled shoes. So what? I shouldn’t be allowed to write a new book because there’s already plenty of books in the world? Who are you to decide what books, or what people, get to exist? Few enough people would choose to have more than three (as evidence by how few already choose to have more than three), and completely eliminating unplanned pregnancies would more than balance it out. No one else gets to decide how many kids a person can have, in either direction, less or more.

        2. Free Meerkats*

          The limitation is intended to reduce human population over time. Not every woman would go with three. The only feasible, guaranteed way to reduce the deleterious impact humans have in the world is to reduce the number of humans.

          And I’m totally on board with limiting males as well. That’s what I was thinking, but didn’t write well.

          1. Turtlewings*

            I think that’s a pretty alarming way to think — I mean, we could also reduce the deleterious impact of flooding by eliminating rain. I think the human species has as much right to exist as any other, even if a lot of our behaviors need to change. But that’s getting into really deep philosophical debates that your well-meaning post didn’t deserve to trigger. Suffice to say we partially agree and partially disagree!

        3. SG, MD*

          I like the conscious reproduction thing. It would just take some small tweaks to our biological engineering.

          For men, this would be super simple. You just engineer a consciously-controlled valve for the vas deferens. Guys can decide in the moment whether they want their ejaculate to be the sperm or no sperm variety.

          For women, you would need to be able to consciously regulate your hormones, which is slightly more complicated. But since we are talking about magical technology… say you could decide whether or not to not release an eggfrom your ovaries and not have a mestrual cycle. You could also decide to release progestin and stop a fertilized egg from implanting.

          So basically to have sex result in a pregnancy, the guy would have to consciously say yes to sperm, the woman would have to decide to ovulate, and she would have to decide to let the egg implant. As a bonus, you could decide whether or not you wanted a period, and you could decide to hold on to your eggs and not waste them in your teenage years.

        4. SG, MD*

          I like the conscious reproduction thing. It would just take some small tweaks to our biological engineering.

          For men, this would be super simple. You just engineer a consciously-controlled valve for the vas deferens. Guys can decide in the moment whether they want their ejaculate to be the sperm or no sperm variety.

          For women, you would need to be able to consciously regulate your hormones, which is slightly more complicated. But since we are talking about magical technology… say you could decide whether or not to not release an egg from your ovaries and have a mestrual cycle. You could also decide to release progestin and stop a fertilized egg from implanting.

          So basically to have sex result in a pregnancy, the guy would have to consciously say yes to sperm, the woman would have to consciously decide to ovulate, and she would have to decide to let the egg implant. As a bonus, you could decide whether or not you wanted a period, and you could decide to hold on to your eggs and not waste them in your teenage years.

      2. Dopameanie*

        See, that’s people BEING different. What can be (theoretically hand-wavy) BUILT that could accomplish that stuff?

      3. Lissa*

        I have thought of basically opt-out birth control – some additive put into the air/water that you have to take a free, incredibly easily accessible antidote to to have a kid. No limits on who, number of kids etc. and the antidote is never restricted. So no judgment made on someone’s reasons for having kids but they would have to make the decision to do it.

        I realize this could be exploited in lots of ways, like slipping the antidote into somebody else’s food or drink, so haven’t figured out that one yet!

      4. HannahS*

        I would argue that your choice to exercise control over my body by limiting the number of children I have, without my express consent and without that being essential medical care, should render you unconscious, no? Maybe think through how that one will be enforced, before making it a part of your ideal world.

    9. Lcsa99*

      I think we need magic shoes that will literally let you be in someone else’s head for a long as you wear them (you know, walking in someone else’s shoes). I think it would help people understand each other a lot better…

      It could also garner some disgust but you gotta take the good with the bad.

    10. ..Kat..*

      Well, the third thing should always be another magic wand that is able to create 3 things to benefit humanity.

    11. AnonymousCelebrity*

      1. An energy source that is cheap or low-cost, permanently and readily available, easy to distribute everywhere, and totally non-polluting. Something to replace oil, natural gas, coal, etc. Think of how that would revolutionize the world, the impact it would have on climate change, and the benefit it would have to economic activity and the quality of people’s lives. It would be a lifesaver for our species and for other life forms as well. The planet will survive, but the way we’re going, we may not (or at best there will be one hell of a lot fewer of us).

      2. An end to the psychological need for dogma of any kind: religious and political in particular. I’m an agnostic, and I have friends who trash religion, and I understand why, but the real problem, IMO, is the need so many people seem to have for some kind of dogma to rule their lives and tell them what to think and how to feel and what to do (and it’s not just religion – Stalin killed millions, and it was not in the name of religion. It was political). If we could get rid of that psychological need, the world would be a more equitable, safer, saner place for everyone. Also, it would be a LOT more fun.

      3. I’d like to see rape become physically impossible. How to achieve this I sure don’t know, but think about it: what if rape were simply impossible and never happened? The short term benefit? No more rape. The long-term benefit? A radical change in how we think about each other AND the planet (and everything that exists on it). Right now we rape and abuse each other, we rape and abuse the planet, we abuse and murder other living things. That’s part of our rape mindset. If that mindset was transformed, this world would be so much better off. And so would we all.

  44. Doloris Van Cartier*

    For anyone who is or has been in therapy, how do you know if you like a therapist? I’ve been in therapy a lot in life but I decided I needed to go back to deal with some anxiety/eating disorder behaviors. I saw someone new yesterday and I’m not sure if I liked them or not. There was nothing that made me feel uncomfortable that I wouldn’t want to continue, I just didn’t get a feeling about it. As it was just the first session and I have a lot to unpack, I figured I’d give it another session or two to see if I think we will work well together. I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks in advance!

    1. foolofgrace*

      I second your decision to try one or two more sessions, but if I then didn’t get a sense that I could trust the therapist or get anything beneficial from him/her, I’d move on. A note on liking your therapist: sometimes (I’ve had this experience), you like a therapist and keep going back because you feel comfortable with them but he/she doesn’t really help the issues.

      1. Doloris Van Cartier*

        I’ve struggled with liking a therapist and not wanting to let them down and I wasn’t as honest and open so I do want to avoid that. I think the point of seeing they would benefit is something I couldn’t get a sense of so I’ll give it a couple more times. Thanks for confirming my thought process on this!

        1. Jenny F. Scientist*

          I’ve found it helpful in the past to ask them what their overall plan is for working through the issues in question, just to see if it sounds reasonable, helpful, and actually planned out. Good luck!

        2. Jillociraptor*

          This is an issue I deal with a lot too, and what really helped me was seeing a therapist that I actually didn’t like. In fact, I found him kind of annoying. Because of that I didn’t care at all about letting him down, or him feeling bad about his suggestions not working, and it was much easier to say, “Nope, doesn’t resonate, try again.” Of course, you also want this person to be good at their job, making useful suggestions and having good judgment about how to challenge you and question your thought process. Just something to think about as you consider what that connection might feel like in a productive relationship.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, go a couple more sessions before you decide. I don’t know about “liking” your therapist – maybe it’s more about compatibility. You have to be uncomfortable enough to change what’s bothering you, but whatever the therapist’s style, their guidance has to be useful and respectful to your particular needs.
        Your therapist is not your friend; like any medical professional, they are there to help you progress and heal.
        It could be useful, though, to read up on the red flags for therapists. There are (hopefully, rare) times when you should never see them again.
        It’s okay to feel like it’s a teeth cleaning, but not a root canal! Best of Luck!

    2. Kj*

      I’m a therapist and I have been in therapy a lot. While clicking right away is ideal, it doesn’t always happen. But you should feel a connection in 1-3 sessions- if by the end of the 3rd, you don’t feel like you have a good connection and aren’t getting good help, it may not be a match.

      It is good to think about they type of therapy you want- do you want skills for specific situations? Do you want someone to just listen? How about someone who uses worksheets? Do you like more directive therapy or less directive? Do you want your therapist to be a complete blank slate or does that not work for you?

      As a therapist, I’m directive, active, give homework and am fairly relatable (clients don’t know tons about me, but they know somethings if I feel they benefit the relationship). As a client, I want a less directive therapist, but I want someone who is relatable and not a complete blank slate.

    3. Penguin*

      I’ve found that feeling comfortable around the therapist is what tells me that it’s a decent fit. I’ve worked with some that I’ve liked quite well on a personality level and others that it felt less “friendly” and more “work cordial” but either way I was quite willing to discuss the topics of current importance with them. Or to put it another way, if I felt reluctant (on a repeated, regular basis) to go to my appointments and talk about whatever I was struggling with, that would be a big red flag that I needed to look carefully at whether that particular person was working well for/with me.

    4. Lemonworld*

      How did you find the therapist in the first place? I’ve f0und that getting recommendations from someone I trust who knows me has resulted in my best therapist relationships. Maybe it’s because I was able to start from a base of being relatively able to trust them, or maybe it’s because they were just really good at their jobs. (In one case, I got the rec from my OB/GYN, in another case, I got the rec from the woman who at the time was my son’s play therapist, and we got a rec to the play therapist from a good friend.)
      Also, being really clear about what I want from therapy and how I want to get it (like CBT or whatever) has also helped to form better relationships with the therapist and have things go more smoothly.
      And then finally, it’s a personality thing – and I think that’s just something you know. You know what’s important to you and you can hopefully find someone who recognizes those things in your. For example, I use humour a lot and have a weird sense of humour – I need someone who is going to get my sense of humour. When I was in college, I went to the campus mental health facility after a traumatic event and the guy had absolutely no sense of humour, so he was not going to work for me. I also have things that I’m just not going to do, so I need someone who is going to respect my boundaries. I am happy to consider reasoned arguments for doing these things, and in the past, I’ve even changed my mind, but I need a therapist who is flexible and who will work with me to find other routes if I shut one down.

    5. AnonymousCelebrity*

      My experience has been that if I’m not sure I like someone, then I don’t like them. Doesn’t mean I hate them, just means I don’t feel comfortable with that person – something’s “off.” And with a therapist, I would want to feel 100% comfortable. Because therapy isn’t easy. I want an ally on that journey that I trust 100%.

      When I sought out a therapist after my mother died, I interviewed several and went with the one I immediately felt comfortable with and liked. I figured such a person was out there, and I had no intention of stopping my search until I found that person. Luckily, I did, but it took a while. Worth the wait, IMO.

  45. KatieKate*

    Based on job news coming in the next few weeks, I may need to buy my first car. The last car I drove was a mini van in high school and I know absolutely nothing about car maintenance or even how to pick one!
    —I live in Chicago and need something that can take the winters and the city
    —I grew up driving a van and don’t feel comfortable driving something lower to the ground, though I know something bigger will be harder to drive in a city. Hoping there’s a happy medium in terms of size/height
    —I want something cheap and reliable. I want to pay cash ($5-$8k preferred)

    Any suggestions on what kind of car to look at? Thanks!

    1. TotesMaGoats*

      I would go for a mid-size SUV. I have a Nissan Pathfinder that I just love. Slightly smaller than that would be like a Honda CRV. I too can’t drive low cars anymore. I had a mustang in college that I loved but switched to a SUV for all the carting stuff around I was doing in my job and the weather. Now, I can’t go back.

        1. Overeducated*

          Replying on same topic because I have the recommended 2006 Honda CRV that was in your price range when i got it a couple years ago (replaced a 98 CRV that I pretty literally drove into the ground). I’ve only had one ~$400 repair, which I think is pretty good for a car that old.

          Only drawback of an older car is that you can find newer ones with better gas mileage, emissions, even hybrid vehicles (not sure how much they cost used).

          1. KatieKate*

            My mother drivers a 2018 CRV which I LOVE to drive. Looks like 2010s are around $10-$12k so I may need to up my price range a little, which shouldn’t break the bank too much.

            1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

              I second the CR-V recommendation. We love our 2007 and I think you should be able to get a 2007-2009 model in that price range. Ours has, knock wood, been bulletproof — we’ve had it for eight years and other than one significant repair, have only needed to do normal maintenance. It is roomy and versatile, handles like a midsize car, and gets good gas mileage for a vehicle of its size and utility.

    2. foolofgrace*

      I second the mid-size SUV option. I had trouble getting in and out of a ‘regular’ car and moved to a mid-size SUV (okay it’s a Lexus but it’s a 2004 version so thus affordable and so well-built that it still has lots of life left in it, it had 26,000 miles on it when I bought it and now it has 115,000) and it’s made all the difference. I’m in Chicago also and it works well in the snow and slush and icy roads though you still have to be careful. Mine is front-wheel drive and work fine for me in the winters but you might want to consider all-wheel drive if you’re really nervous about getting around.

    3. nep*

      I’ve never owned one but I hear quite often that a well-maintained Subaru will last you a long time. Especially good in a Chicago winter, I reckon.

      1. nep*

        (I’ve not shopped for one lately, so I’m not sure whether a suitable one would fall in your price range–but maybe worth a look.)

    4. WellRed*

      I am afraid with that price range you’ll have to get something either quite a bit older or one that does not do what you need. Second Subaru or mid size SUV.

    5. Red Sky*

      I had a Subaru Forester I loved and will probably purchase one again at some point. I think they’re considered a compact SUV. You’re still a bit higher off the ground but not obnoxiously so, lots of cargo space, and they’re also good for winter driving due to all wheel drive being standard. They also have really good safety ratings.

      1. Red Sky*

        Also, if you’re doing city driving, get an automatic not a stick shift. Your knees will thank you later.

    6. KayEss*

      I manage Chicago winters with a small, front-wheel drive car (a Honda Fit) and I’m usually only cursing about it one or two days a year. Go for a 4-wheel drive if you want extra insurance against getting stuck, like if you’ll be parking outdoors all the time. I have an enclosed garage, so I just keep a snow shovel in my trunk during the winter in case the weather gets bad while I’m out. I’ve only had to use it once in several years.

      There’s not really any car feature that substitutes for careful, practiced driving in snow. Go slower and give yourself more time to brake than you think you need. You pick it back up pretty fast every winter if you’re deliberate about taking your time on the first couple days of snow.

    7. SpellingBee*

      We’re on our 3rd Subaru – first was a Legacy station wagon, then 2 Foresters in a row. I’ve loved all 3 of them! Ours have been extremely reliable and it’s very nice to have the all-wheel drive in dicey weather. The Foresters are very roomy but still drive like a regular car. Highly recommend.

    8. The Automotive Expert*

      The other commenters have made good suggestions. I would recommend looking at “Consumer Reports” magazine and/or consumer guides which rate and evaluate new and used cars. I especially like how they rate the frequency of repair rates for specific makes and models of cars.

      If you are worried about driving in the snow, nothing beats a good set of snow tires, no matter what kind of car you have. (Consumer Reports rates tires, too.) It is a hassle having to change to snow tires in the winter, but they really do give you a little bit of extra safety and confidence when driving in snow.

      My favorite small SUVs are the Subaru Forester, Honda CR-V, Toyota RAV4 and the Subaru Outback.

    9. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I’m from the midwest and in CA. The All-wheel-drive of the CRV is good (we have a 2000, going strong at 180K but I just put about $1000 of parts into it). For my grad school, in New Hampshire, I drove a front-wheel drive little toyota hatchback, (about the size of the FIT) and it was great – when the weather was too ugly for front wheel drive, there wasn’t anyone out anyway. (All traffic was at a standstill). Second the consumer reports and research on the longevity and owner loyalty. At that price point (which both of my cars are worth less than 5K right now), you need to keep a repair budget and have a reliable mechanic for the little things that go wrong. Buy something very common, and learn where the good parts places are (they help you) and use the web to teach yourself the repair schedules/oil changes/maintenance needs.
      You don’t need “new” but you do need “reliable” and “safe.” (I have only bought one car “brand new” off the dealer’s lot… they lose so much value the minute you drive off that most folks are under water if they are paying over time).
      Second hint – if you have to go above your cash budget, and need a loan for part of it – check out your credit union. Mine does third party purchase loans, at much cheaper rates than the dealer or my bank.
      It has saved me not only the monthly payments on the car loan to buy used, but I have saved on the car insurance AND the registration fees (which here in CA are value based – a tax).

    10. Girl friday*

      I would try a Rogue, a Tribute, or an Escape because those are great with gas mileage and sit surprisingly high on the road. The price might be higher than what you’re looking for, unless you can find an older Escape or Tribute. Jeeps are fun!

      1. Girl friday*

        Most of those have all wheel drive or 4 wheel drive as an option, Jeeps I believe have four wheel drive standard. Four-wheel drive is really recommended more for snow of course. You could also of course drive Subarus or Volvos but those are kind of boring and very expensive. They do not lose their value and they’re sort of overpriced to start with.

    11. Anona*

      I had both Toyota Corollas and a Honda Civic in 3 Chicago winters. It was fine because of how quickly they plow. Now that I’m not in Chicago, a Subaru makes more sense, since they don’t have the same level of snow clearing quickness here.

      1. Anona*

        Also, this was with parking outdoors 100% of the time. I did carry a small snow shovel in back of my car that I got at Target.

    12. Denise*

      Honda CR-V sounds fine. I lived in Milwaukee for seventeen years and drove a 98 Camry most of that time, so I would say it’s the rare snow day when you have to have 4 wheel drive or snow tires in a well plowed big city and you probably shouldn’t be out on those days unless you are in a critical industry affecting public safety.

    13. Iza*

      My parents live in Chicago and both have Honda CRVs that they love. One is a 2005 that was bought new and is still running great and the other a 2013. My husband and I also have a CRV (2015) that we love. Highly recommend!

    14. Chicago Transplant*

      I’m in the Chicago area. Husband has a Toyota Rav4 and it is great in the snow. He rarely has to shovel his way out of our parking spot because he can just roll over it. If you get a Honda(particularly the fit) be careful what type of wheels you put on it. Some of the Honda wheels have been targeted for thefts because of the type of alloy that is used in them. There have been a bunch of postings lately on Next Door from people coming back to find their street parked Honda sitting on a bunch of cinder blocks with no wheels.

  46. Lora*

    Are you using Firefox or Chrome or something else? I find I have more comment nesting failures in Firefox but Chrome crashes more or seizes up from ads.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I use Chrome at home and it’s fine, but I also use an ad blocker. At work I use Internet Explorer and this site crashes A LOT from the ads, more than any other site I use at work. Unfortunately, I can’t control the ad blocker/popup blockers at work, which it doesn’t appear we have. Although sometimes the ads come up at work and sometimes they don’t.

    4. Turtlewings*

      Chrome, and I definitely have issues with seizing/crashing, especially with very long pages like this one. Sigh.

    5. Gatomon*

      Opera, which is just Chrome really, with Ad Block Plus and it’s built-in ad blocker and Privacy Badger. No issues with this site.

    6. Ktelzbeth*

      PaleMoon, spinoff of Firefox. No crashing and nests fine. I think it has a build in ad blocker, but the non-ad blocked browsers crashed so much because of the ads that I had to go this way.

    7. AnonymousCelebrity*

      Chrome. It’s been bulletproof for me for the past year, since I installed it on my new PC. Running Windows 10 (which I actually like now that I’ve got it set up the way I want it).

      I’ve got four other browsers installed: MS Edge, Opera, Firefox, and Seamonkey (comes with a handy, free, very basic wysiwyg html editor).

      Chrome performs best and isn’t too much of a memory hog. I used Firefox with Ally Bank when it wouldn’t render in Chrome a few weeks ago (apparently they had some kind of glitch, now it opens with Chrome just fine).

      Have you tried other browsers? If not, perhaps you should. The problem could be your browser, or it could be something else.

  47. TotesMaGoats*

    Not really work related but I’m at work. Open house event. I’m trying out a Hogwarts related joke. My boss is scottish, we have 4 departments (houses). If it works, I’m using it at orientation.

      1. TotesMaGoats*

        The joke went over like a lead balloon. I’m a little disappointed in the intentional crop of new students if they can’t appreciate a classic. ;)

  48. Introverted Wannabe Polyglot*

    There seems to be a lot of introverts on this site, so I’m hoping to find some like minded people here.

    I want to learn a new language but don’t know how to find helpful tools for self study. Most of the highly rated tools out there focus on speaking with other people, which is a strong “no” for me. At the end of the day I’ve used up all my energy for interacting with other humans and just want to learn something for me. (I have friends who are native speakers of my target language(s) if I need someone to practice with) All the research I’ve done for tools for introverts either says to “just get over it” or vaguely praises how they are better learners without naming any tools.

    I used to like DuoLingo years ago because it was basically an online workbook, but haven’t found it useful since the site was redesigned. I’ve tried finding workbooks but they tend to have the instructions in the target language, so you basically have to know the language to learn the langauge.

    Does anyone have tools that they’ve used to learn a language on their own?

    1. annakarina1*

      I used to use Duolingo, which was good for vocabulary and simple sentences, but not for really having a conversation. I know some French and Spanish and can read it and have casual short conversations, but that’s all. When I was younger, I used to listen to pop songs in those languages to memorize the lyrics and understand what they meant.

    2. foolofgrace*

      There are “slow reading” newscasts in foreign languages like Spanish and French where they read the news slowly so it’s easier to follow for new speakers. You’d have to Google it and I don’t know what-all languages they sponsor.

    3. WellRed*

      There should be plenty of workbooks with English instructions. See what your local adult ed language class is using for a textbook. As to furthering your study, you will eventually need to practice with people. It’s the only way to really learn it.

    4. Extra Vitamins*

      DVDs with the target language as an option for both audio and subtitle. I improved my French with Buffy episodes.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      Babbel.com

      Newspapers in your target language.

      YouTube!!

      Netflix – they are generally dubbed into the more popular languages, don’t know about the less popular ones though.

      The slow news podcasts are a godsend.

      Search through the podcasts list on wherever you listen to your podcasts.

      iTalki.com

      Benny Lewis (though I don’t agree with his premise) has excellent resources on his website.

    6. Amber Rose*

      Try LingoDeer! It’s like a superior Duolingo. It explains the concepts before having you use them, is ad free, and the beginning levels have some beta conversation exercises.

      I don’t know what language you’re trying to learn, but I’ve been doing pretty well with learning Japanese.

    7. OyVey*

      I like the Duolingo bots and stories they’ve recently added but those are only available in certain languages. I’d probably find the textbook/workbook/audio a nearby university uses for the target language. I have Schaum for German and it’s very simple to follow with English instructions

    8. Undine*

      I actually like the FSI materials — they are old-style dialog tapes and a workbook with exercises, but to get started they are good. They are dated — sexist and “ashtray” is no longer a useful vocabulary word, but they were more systematic and more in depth than anything else there was at the beginning.

      If there is a show anywhere online in your target language, watching really helps. I’ve been learning Spanish, and started with kids movies (Harry Potter, Paddington) dubbed into Spanish with English subtitles on, graduated to Spanish subtitles, and this afternoon, I am watching a grownup movie without subtitles (not easy, but interesting, and if I want when I’m finished, I can go back with subtitles).

      There is a line of workbooks for Spanish “Practice Makes Perfect”, which gives instructions in English and then has simple Spanish exercises. I see they also have Italian, French, German, and Japanese.

      I’ve been basically teaching myself Spanish from 0, and haven’t done the “talk online” thing. I’ve been studying about a year, and I’ve really made progress.

      Another tool, if you get heavily into it, and you have a series or show that you like, is that there is a program that lets you make flashcards from a video and a subtitles file. It works with the Anki flashcard program. I think it’s especially useful if you are learning a language with a different alphabet — the guy who created it was studying Japanese. And Anki is useful for making your own flashcards.

      Reading on the Kindle (or another e-reader, I suppose) is also good. On Kindle, the dictionary automatically switches to your target language and then you can look things up so easily. Your local library may have children’s books in your language.

    9. Koala dreams*

      I like lang-8, a website where people correct each other’s writing. Otherwise I like the old fashioned textbooks, look out for books geared to adults learners and self-study. There are also a lot of interesting videos on youtube, where random people teach you their language.

  49. RussianInTexas*

    I keep thinking back to the letter from the aspiring data analyst who wanted to shadow someone at work.
    I used to work for a data company, so I had my answer, but I wanted to be sure. My partner works as a cyber security architect for a MegaCorp.
    He confirmed my suspicion that it would not only never happen, but you would probably get blacklisted for requesting such thing, because that will show the company you have no regard for data confidentiality and security.

    1. Blossom*

      I don’t know about that. Isn’t it the company’s responsibility to put in place appropriate contracts spelling out data security protocol when they work with temporary or external staff, whether it be an intern, a consultant, a supplier’s representative, or someone on work experience shadowing a permanent employee?

      I have worked as a data analyst and once had a student shadow me for a morning. I assume HR had put the necessary paperwork in place.

      I have also, as part of networking within my sector, gone to visit another workplace and look at how they use their database – they had me sign a piece of paper first, that was all.

      I am sure this is all very sector-dependent. In my sector, any reluctance to grant this request would be largely because it would be an inconvenience with no likely gain for us. It’s not a sector where business info is a highly guarded secret, but we do take data protection laws seriously. I’m not aware that we operate blacklists at all; certainly not in any formal capacity. So, I guess my advice to the would-be shadower would be, don’t pick a sector that needs to be secretive about their data.

  50. MechanicalPencil*

    I broke up with my SO. I think we had been dancing around it for a while, but he admitted he wasn’t going to meet a deadline I had imposed in order to move our relationship forward. And that I had to make a deadline in the first place is another issue. He had a year to get it all done and just didn’t do enough for me to feel like I mattered.

    I’m trying to figure out why I’m not really upset. Conversely, I don’t really know how to move on. Does anyone have advice or wisdom or commiseration?

    1. RussianInTexas*

      You really need to give yourself some time. Even if you feel like the relationship was dying for a while, you should still allow yourself a grieving time.

    2. Yep!*

      It’s hard to say. When I broke up with my SO, by the time I did it, I was beyond done. I’d already processed most of the feelings and was ready to get on with my life.

      You may process things differently, but this was my experience. Take good care of yourself in whatever form that takes for you.

    3. StellaBella*

      I am sorry that he ” just didn’t do enough for (you) to feel like (you) mattered. ” This is the worst feeling and I have been there. I am sorry.

      Get a lot of rest, take care of yourself, and plan some nice things to do/see/experience with others and by yourself. Time will heal it and help you move on.

    4. MechanicalPencil*

      I think the hardest part has been that we were friends before we dated, so not talking at all and losing the friendship is odd. We were also back and forth for a while too, so I haven’t mentioned the latest development to any of my friends because I feel like they’ll just roll their eyes and give me a “sure MP, we’ve heard it before.” So I’m hiding out housesitting and watching horrible television and wishing I could find something that didn’t have a romantic relationship in it.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        I recommend the Great British Bakeoff for all stress and breakup problems. Cozy and domestic without any mush.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Oh, and P.S. if you go no-contact for a few months at least and give you both time to heal, you might be able to salvage the friendship. I mean, if the main problem was that he just wasn’t interested in being a serious S.O., well, that seems like an easy downgrade back to “friend.”

      3. tangerineRose*

        For TV, how about: Insane Pools, Treehouse Masters, Tanked.
        Maybe: Whose Line is it anyway

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Maybe you are not upset because you knew this all along and have a peace about it? Or maybe your upset IS not knowing how to move on. Grief is such an odd thing and can wear many costumes. I guess I would just focus on the moving on part, because that seems to be where the concern is mostly. It could be that trying to figure out why you are not upset is just a distraction from your main concern?
      My thought is that we move on by planning out what we will do tomorrow. Then tomorrow night, we plan what we will do the next day etc. I did this until I was able to actually think a week ahead. Then after a bit, I got so I could look at next month and plan something. Start slow and go gently.

    6. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I had a similar break up recently.

      We had been together for almost a year, I had imposed a deadline for him to do X thing by a year, and was pretty clear that if he didn’t this relationship wouldn’t move forward. I never imagined it would be an ultimatum, but towards the end it became one when it became clear that he wasn’t concerned. I think part of me knew it wasn’t going to work out in the end, but just didn’t want to admit it. That made it a lot easier in the long run.

    7. Observer*

      I’m guessing that you are not really upset for because you knew this was coming, and / or you are not as invested in the relationship as you thought – or maybe as you were at one time.

      As for moving forward – time tends to work wonders if you don’t wallow. And, it doesn’t sound like you are wallowing.

  51. RussianInTexas*

    You really need to give yourself some time. Even if you feel like the relationship was dying for a while, you should still allow yourself a grieving time.

    4. CAA*

      I’m sorry for your loss. I’m feeling about the same as you today after attending a gathering last night to remember a friend who died this week. She was only 53, and while I can understand losing elderly aunts and uncles, I’m just not ready to be losing people who are of my own generation.

    5. fposte*

      Nancy Mitford described this as “the dropping off of perches.” It’s part of why I deliberately make some younger friends–it’s nice to have new babies to celebrate amid it all.

    6. Anono-me*

      I’m sorry that you lost your friend.

      Please tell me that you will be adding glitter to the pink for special occasions.

    7. Mimmy*

      My condolences on the loss of your friend.

      On the (literally) bright side – I love the hair color!

  53. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m in another state sharing a hotel room with my parents for a cousin’s wedding. It’s been intense and I’m chilling in the hotel room now so I don’t get over-peopled. There’s just a lot of extended family here and there are cultural differences (it’s a *huge scandal* among the Catholic relatives that they are having an *Evangelical* preacher do the wedding, meanwhile I’m over here being a secular queer lady) and family drama and all that. I’m having fun seeing people I haven’t talked to in a while but I’ll be glad to be back home.

    I took a step back from the friend group that was having drama I mentioned last week, and have been seeing other friends, and it’s actually been pretty great, I think my anxiety is less now that I’m taking a break from trying to make things work with people who have no interest in working on themselves.

    Working on my anxiety around money in therapy, not because I feel ready but because I had to borrow from my parents to pay a bill and I can’t keep putting this off. My therapist has been really helpful, I went over a month of expenses on my bank statement with her. And doing it there was really grounding because normally when I try to think about my spending I panic. This time it was mildly stressful but I got through it.

    Proud of exercising pretty consistently, biked on Thursday, went swimming on Friday.

    How are you doing?

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Good luck getting through the family drama!

      I had a really rough week. Something triggered me back to an old mindset that I haven’t felt in a long time and it really scared me. Luckily, I managed to figure out what it was and as soon as I had that knowledge, I started to feel better.

    2. Elisabeth*

      Hopeful that transitioning to a less stressful career path will help me to get myself back on track and allow me to do things that I find enjoyable. Like have a hobby again!

    3. Mimmy*

      Starting to feel a little burned out with my job – just tired of the dysfunction.

      Can’t stop thinking about my health.

      Overall, an okay week. Just wish my future didn’t look so fuzzy.

      I really do need to write down when something happens that I’m proud of. Usually it’s little things, but for me, they’re kinda big.

    4. MindOverMoneyChick*

      I read this thread regularly but haven’t posted because I’ve been having smooth sailing for years. Just hit some stormy waters this weekend. I’ve been running my own business for the past couple of years which has been very rewarding in some ways, both in terms of the great feedback I’ve gotten from clients and some skills I’m developing that are way out of my comfort zone. But business has slowed way down this summer, which is normal. I’ve been trying to get a schedule together for the fall giving free presentations, my primary marketing tool. Last fall/winter I did a ton of these and business did well as a result. For a variety of reasons, my go-to host organizations aren’t able to schedule me this fall and I just got emails a few emails about that yesterday.

      After receiving them suddenly I’ve slipped into negative thinking and depression. You know – no one will ever have me back for a presentation again, this isn’t a real business, I don’t have the marketing skills to do this, I’ve been outside my previous field for too long and can’t get back in. My old references may die soon and I’ll never be able to get another job once that happens. Increasingly irrational stuff.

      I’ve been depressed before and know I’ll come out of it, but this is the first time it’s happened while self- employed. I’ve always had a job to go to – your know forces structure, seeing other people, deadline to force me out of interiat. Now I’m staring down the barrel of an open week. Lots of marketing work I could be doing, but nothing that has external accountability. And it my current state it all feels like a waste of time, that none of it will work anyway.

      So this is pretty rambling – anyone else ever deal with depression without external structure? Any ideas? Also stuff I’m proud off – I forced myself to exercise yesterday and made a healthy dinner.

      1. The Doctor is Out*

        Hang in there! I have my own small business (medical field), and one day I will have a slow schedule and think, “oh no, no one is coming in, what am I going to do?” Then a few days later I am super busy again. So all your feelings are normal. Is there some clean up or maintenance project related to work (or not) to get you out of the doldrums? Good luck.

        1. MindOverMoneyChick*

          Thanks! I know this is typical for biz owners, just you know, I’m convinced for everyone else it’s just a slow time, for ME of course it’s the beginning of the end ;) And I was foolish to try at all…oh, and it’s all my fault too. I can intellectual tell this is depression talking. I just believe it right now

          There’s lots I could be doing marketing-wise. The challenge for me tomorrow will be to make myself do it despite feeling like it’s all a waste of time right now. I’m going to make a commitment that I will come back to this thread next week with a list of things I actual did over the week for my business as my “proud moments”.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I rarely post on this thread but I’m on a train with nothing to do and saw it so…

      I’m thinking more and more that I actually have dysthymia/persistent depressive disorder. This is not the first time I have thought this but I’ve never brought it up with a doctor. I have an appointment next week, finally, and I might see if there is anything different I can do besides going on and off antidepressants all the time. I often feel a bit pressured to say I’m feeling better even though I’m not, really, just less acutely depressed. But I’ve changed back to my old GP who isn’t as focused on getting you in and out as fast as possible so maybe I can explain a bit better.

      1. MindOverMoneyChick*

        Definitely had that in the past. All the usual recommendations can help, exercise, reaching out to friends and loved one, and doing CBT on my own from books was pretty effective for low grade-dysthymia for me. I focused on David Burns Feeling Good at the time, but there may be better books out there now.

    6. Janeitenoir*

      Off and on, but still improving! It’s been about 3 weeks since my last bad OCD relapse. The thoughts are going away for longer periods now, but are more of a low-grade drumming that feels very real when they are there – I’d actually rather have the panic attacks, as at least there is a comedown afterwards. I moved in with the SO this weekend and I’m fairly sure OCD was feeling threatened, since the theme of mine tends to concern relationships and sexuality. So progress! I start a new job next week and will be so glad to be out of my current position.

  54. The Other Dawn*

    No specific question here, just some venting.

    I’ve been friends with someone for 35+ years. Best friends for most of that time. She’s always been more social, as in more friends, going out a lot more, stuff like that. I’m more of a homebody and would rather read, go out for dinner or maybe shop or something. We always had things in common so we’ve gotten on really well over the years. Ever since she separated and then got divorced, I feel we’ve grown apart a lot. For awhile she was enjoying the single life, dating lots of people and such, which is fine since she’d married young and should have ended the marriage after a few years rather than letting it linger on for 20 years. The difference in our social styles really stood out during this time, as she spent quite a bit of time at bars, going dancing, and getting drunk a lot. Most of this she did with a longtime friend of hers, Susan.

    Mary’s been friends with Susan for a few years longer than Mary and I have been friends. I’ve always been friendly with Susan, but not actually friends with her. There was just always something about her I didn’t like and didn’t trust. Over the years these two have been through a lot, and had a ton of drama that they mostly brought on themselves: Mary cheated on her ex-husband with Susan’s boyfriend (drug attic, convicted of bank robbery, treats Susan like dirt–I’ve witnessed it) many times over the last 20 years but she and Mary remained friends; Susan constantly throws Mary under the bus to other people and insults her behind her back (Mary does the same thing to her sometimes); Susan is a habitual liar (Mary and I have both caught her in many lies) and lies about the most inconsequential things; when she and Mary are fighting, Susan will post vile things on Facebook that Mary’s kids see (they’re in their 20s now). Through all this, these two are still friends.

    Last night I was scrolling Facebook and see that Mary and Susan are at an event together. No big deal usually, but this is after Mary has been working for many months–almost a year–to distance herself from Susan after yet another blowout involving Susan’s boyfriend. Mary always does this: they have some big blowout, they don’t talk for a while, then they become best friends again. After seeing all the things these two have done to each other, I cannot fathom why they remain friends, or would WANT to remain friends. I also can’t fathom why each of them has such low standards that they are willing to put up with the other one. I can honestly say that if either one of them had done to me what they’ve done to each other over the last 35+ years, I’d have kicked them to the curb many years ago. Neither one of them can be trusted. Both of them are people who know there are rules, but are always looking to get around them. I think they’re both sneaky and get a thrill from getting away with something.

    UGH…maybe the question is, why am *I* still friends with Mary? I guess because she’s never done any of this stuff to me.

    (I probably sound super judgmental, but this is something that has irked me for the last five years or so and I can’t seem to get past it.)

    1. Really*

      As far as the Susan-Mary friendship, it could be that each feels superior to the other. Frequently people who have childhoods that cause them to think they are different from or unworthy compared to ‘normal’ people find someone they think is in worse shape then they are.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I feel like they are the poster children for a codependent relationship based on everything I’ve seen over the years. And yes, I know they feel superior to each other based on the things they say.

    2. neverjaunty*

      That last question is definitely the correct one. Even if Mary’s jerkitude isn’t pointed at you, she sounds like kind of a train wreck. And you don’t really know for sure that she isn’t throwing you under any buses or talking crap about you behind your back. Why *are* you friends?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yeah, they’re both train wrecks, actually!

        Mary and I have never had any issues other than my jealousy of the time and energy she puts into Susan; I admit, I’m very jealous of that. Like, why does Susan merit all this time and energy? We had childhood arguments years ago–she’s a few years older and would do stuff like grab my shoes and make me chase her so I can get them back, we’d argue about the coloring of my bedroom carpet, stuff like that. We never had any “adult” arguments from what I can remember. We’ve always just gotten along, done things together that we can both enjoy, and she’s a good listener. But yeah, I have no idea if she throws me under the bus or not. I’d like to think she doesn’t, but who knows? I have to say, though, that Susan is the only one I ever hear/have ever heard her talk about like that. She never talks of any of her other friends like that, nor does she treat any of them the way she treats Susan. It seems to be strictly a Mary-Susan thing.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      Some people, particularly alcoholics and drug addicts (I’ve found), fall into this type of friendship cycle. It’s like how lots of people can’t function in relationships that don’t have a lot of drama, or in general can’t function without some degree of angst in their lives. I’ve often felt that people who have lots of friends are used to receiving a fair amount of abuse from jerks and probably also dish out a lot of crappy treatment – they’re all friends with each other on this playing field. The person who 1) doesn’t treat people badly, and 2) speaks out against the way other people are acting, will end up with fewer friends.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I tend to agree with that. They both most certainly have a lot of drama and angst in their lives, both separately and together as friends. But I think it will continue to irk me that so much energy goes into her friend. I know it shouldn’t and I can’t change it, but I also can’t get over feeling this way. And I’ve told her so, lots of times.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You have told her lots of times?
          Then that is how she gets her drama dose with you.

          I had relatives with two sons. Son 1 was a good son, did everything he was told to do and fit the mold perfectly. Son 2 was the opposite. Son 2 said FU as often as possible.

          Which son got the most attention? Son 2, of course. Relatives “knew” for a fact that they had the devotion and life long commitment of Son 1, but dang, Son 2 made them work every inch of the way.

          In the end, neither Son 1 nor Son 2 like their parents that much. I think that probably neither you nor Susan like Mary that much. You both sit there and hope for a good moment with her most of the time. And that is what it is just hoping. Real life is not playing out the way you keep hoping for.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, it boggles my mind that so much time and energy goes into Susan, when Susan does the things she does. (It goes beyond talking about Mary behind her back. I just kept it at that because this would be a whole novel if I were to cover the last 35 years.) I’m always thinking, “why does Mary put so much energy into maintaining a toxic relationship and so little energy into the drama-free/healthier relationships?” I really think she gets a high off it somehow and likes all the drama.

            I don’t think Susan and Mary actually like each other much, but they’re each other’s partner in crime, so to speak, and they seem to be codependent. (What’s funny is I didn’t really know what “codependent” meant so I looked it up and it was like a huge neon bulb went off in my mind when I thought of the two of them together.) I know they also don’t like themselves much, either, so I’m sure that’s also what keeps them together.

            I’ve been distancing myself from Mary a lot over the past year, and plan to continue to do so. We still talk and very occasionally (like three or so times a year) go out for a movie or something, but we’re definitely not close like we were years ago. It’s been good for me. Susan I don’t talk to anyway, so that’s not a problem.

    4. Girl friday*

      I think friendships that long are like marriages, and like marriages they can be either love love or love hate. They aren’t really spectator sports, but you have the right to excuse yourself from being the Ventee. They probably won’t change at this point.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. They’re in this relationship for the drama, but you don’t have to let yourself get drawn into it. Just refuse to talk about it with Mary, either by saying “look, I don’t want to get into your argument with Susan,” or by going “hm, that must be rough – so what are you going to do about it,” every time she brings it up. Un-friend Susan from all social media and stay out of her life.

        Not your circus, not your monkeys.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I don’t engage with Susan at all, and Susan knows better than to engage with me. We’re friends on Facebook, but I have her muted since she was always posting how her boyfriend is a horrible person, she’s going to leave him, etc., then the next day they’re “so in love and in it for the long haul.”

          After the huge blowup that happened last year. I told Mary that if she continued to be friends with Susan, I didn’t want to hear anything at all about it: don’t complain to me when she does the next crappy thing to you, don’t talk about her, don’t complain about her in general, etc. I told her if she’s going to continue on with Susan, then it’s her bed to lie in and she has to accept all that goes along with it. (Mary has said many times over the last five years or so that she’s done with Susan, then goes right back and the next blowup happens. So I never believe her when she says she’s “done.”) And the last year was so great not having to hear about Susan, and that’s actually what caused Mary to finally “make it stick” in terms of her decision to distance herself from Susan. I think the fact that Mary couldn’t talk about the drama kind of took the wind out of her sails a bit. But now she’s back with her again. It’s only a matter of time before another drama happens. I already told her it’s her mess to deal with and I have zero sympathy for anything that happens between the two of them. They both do crappy things to each other and seem to be OK with that.

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            Yup. It does seem like they are going to keep at it. That being said, you’ve established good boundaries with not getting involved, so you should be able to weather it out just fine.

  55. A plea on behalf of child-free people*

    Removed — see my note above about chastising other commenters. You’re welcome to post this again without singling out another commenter.

  56. Jules the First*

    Picked up my new lenses today…does anyone else find that glasses make the world look tilty? Or is it just me?

    2. anon24*

      When I first got glasses a few months ago I felt slightly drunk wearing them for the first 2-3 weeks. Now things look and feel normal most of the time, but if I don’t wear them consistently I do feel strange when I first put them on or take them off

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      New glasses are always weird. I bought a pair recently and I love them, but they took a long time to adjust. I thought something was wrong with the prescription (I only wear them at night and in the mornings, I usually wear contacts), but then I was at the eye doctor for an exam and the tech adjusted my glasses. I could see! It was amazing! If the world is generally tilty after several weeks, you may need an adjustment, but at first, totally normal.

      1. Really*

        I’ve had this happen. I currently have glasses that make things a little off. Only really noticeable when looking down. It’s a factor of type of lenses, prescription strength, and size of lenses.

    4. Lady Jay*

      Good lord yes. I just got my first set of glasses (needed to have glasses in order to pass the DMV eye exam) and the first time I put them on, I felt like I was underwater. I still haven’t decided whether I like wearing them or not – but when I do wear them, the outlines of the surrounding world are so crisp. I feel as though I could count the leaves on every tree.

    5. FaintlyMacabre*

      Definitely a thing that can happen. If it goes on for more than a day or two, that might be a problem with the glasses. I’ve never tried it myself, but I have read that rather than putting them on immediately, you should wait and put on a new pair of glasses when you wake up in the morning to make it easier for your eyes to adjust. I’d be curious if any one posting here has done that and how it worked for them.

      1. Earthwalker*

        Waiting to put new glasses on in the morning instead of putting them on midday when I get them really works for my sensitive eyes. If that doesn’t work, there’s something wrong with the glasses. Either the prescription was ground wrong or it was ground correctly but on lens blanks that aren’t suitable for me. (They come in a lot of shapes and materials and some are really wrong for me.) Now I have a terrific optometrist who is great at solving such problems. After watching him I’ve come to think that I put up with awful glasses many times in the past because a poor or lazy optometrist convinced me that the problem was my fault because I didn’t try hard enough to “get used to them.”

    6. Nesprin*

      My first set of glasses made everything look a little off and then gave me horrific migranes for a week. Turns out I have an astigmatism that 1st optometrist didn’t catch.

    7. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Yes, absolutely! I usually feel like the ground is bending up in the middle. I have various pairs of glasses with slightly different prescriptions that I switch between all the time and it can be rather disconcerting. You get used to it pretty quickly, though. If you don’t then there may be something off.

    8. londonedit*

      I’m actually wearing my new glasses today! I’ve really struggled over the last few years to find glasses that work for me – I wear contact lenses 99% of the time, so when I wear glasses it’s automatically weird to be able to see the edges of the frames out of the corner of my eye, and everything always feels a bit weird. I finally have a new pair of glasses that are a lot better than any I’d tried before (I kept being talked into having thinned lenses, and I’m sure that made the weird ‘everything’s swimming in front of me’ feeling worse) but they still feel very odd. I’m going to try to wear them as much as I can, because it’ll save me money on contact lenses, but I do find wearing glasses way more awkward than just putting in my contacts and immediately being able to see perfectly all day! Drives me mad trying to do my hair and make-up in the morning without my glasses/lenses.

  57. Sleepyhead*

    So I’ve historically not been a great sleeper, prefer sleeping alone to with my significant other. Sleeping in separate beds is tricky in small apartments. Wondering what other people do? Pull out sofa? Move into a two bedroom? Would love any co-sleeping suggestions that work for you!

    2. Kj*

      Could you put a daybed instead of a couch in the living room as a viable alternate sleeping place? As a bonus, they are often less pricy than couches.

    3. Red Reader*

      King sized bed, yes, and ours is actually two twin sized mattresses, with separate sheets, on a king platform. Nobody hogs the blankets or crosses the line at sleeping time. (Except the dog. She takes her half out of the middle.)

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        +1 … this. Works and makes it easier to keep the sleeping in the bedroom, and not in the living room. Adopting the couch (tried that) resulted in throwing off my sleep cycle, which made things worse.

      3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        A lot of European hotel rooms seem to have beds like this. We like to snuggle but it can be nice to have my own distinct space.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      What about split mattresses? Then you don’t feel your partner moving around but you’re sharing a bed. We have a pull-out day bed for a guest bed that we’ve had to use a few times. It’s a twin day bed from ikea that pulls out into a king-ish sized bed—two twin mattresses side-by-side. And I make the bed like two twins instead of a king so everyone gets their own covers and I only have to keep the one size on hand.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        We have the exact same day bed and strategy :)

        Split mattresses are amazing – my parents actually have a very nice set of well, they aren’t twin beds, but they are really large mattresses and they are on the same frame. Mom doesn’t have to deal with dad flopping around like a fish and getting up at 3.30 am and disturbing her and she can sleep on the best side for her hip. They are coming to visit us in a few months, so hoping the day bed approach will be fine (partners parents were here and it seemed to work well for them, and the cats piled on top too)

    5. BRR*

      King size bed here and a mattress with very little motion transfer. We have a guest bed and I’ve pondered if we will ever need separate beds for my sanity. We’ve done it when someone is leaving super early or getting back super late. Maybe a Murphy bed would help if you’re short on space?

    6. AcademiaNut*

      For us, it’s a temperature thing in summer (I need A/C, my husband gets cold while sleeping). We’re in a multi-bedroom apartment, but the other bedrooms are very small, and we don’t want to put a bed in with the bookshelves because of earthquake risk.

      We have a single sized pull-out bed from Ikea in the living room. It’s pretty easy to fold-out and reassemble with its cover, and my husband will shift between there and the bedroom depending on temperature.

    7. Denise*

      My boyfriend and I have separate bedrooms and it is totally worth it for us. Two light sleepers (one with a CPAP), morning person and night owl, and we are so much better rested in our own space. When we travel we share a room and sleep in separate beds (with earplugs, but we both sleep in earplugs every night anyway.) This is our version of “roughing it.”

    8. Observer*

      If all you want is separate beds, as opposed to separate bedrooms, it’s actually not that hard unless you have a really small bedroom. Twin beds work in even fairly small rooms. If you have a bit more room, a twin and a regular for times you want to share the bed can be nice.

  58. Anon and alone*

    For kitten and other animal lovers. Did anyone see Captain Awkward’s new kitties, Henrietta Pussycat and Daniel Striped Tiger? They’re SQUEEE! Link in reply.

  60. Forking great username*

    A local stray cat has been kind of trying to adopt our family. Constantly sits on our porch, tries to sneak in the house whenever we open the door, rubs up on our legs, etc. I initially thought it must be lost since it certainly acted more like a pet than stray cat. But we asked around and found out no one is sure where it came from, but it’s been hanging around parts of our neighborhood for months. Some people leave food out for it, but none of them were able to take it in. We don’t have any pets right now (I had to put down my 17 year old dog a few years ago) and decided to adopt it. Took it to the vet as my husband wasn’t comfortable allowing it inside until that happened. Came back with a clear bill of health, so we got it caught up on vaccines, bought supplies, brought it home…and it promptly made it clear it had no interest in being adopted. Walked around the house a bit, but then sat at the door hissing and actually let itself out – waited until we had the big door open so just our glass storm door was keeping it from the outside. Then it threw itself up in the air, at the level to open the door and actually managed to get it open!

    So now we do not have a cat. After spending $150 at the vet and buying supplies. I’m annoyed.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Sometimes that happens. But at least this stray cat is healthy and has been vaccinated, which is a good thing. I’m sure he/she will be back for a meal though!

    2. Turtlewings*

      I’m thinking he just doesn’t want to be kept inside. He felt trapped, especially after the trauma of the vet visit, and panicked. He’ll probably be back in a few days, when he’s calmed down and gotten hungry again. You might need to try letting him in and out when he wants, at least at first, so he doesn’t feel trapped.

      1. Forking great username*

        Eh, the cat was a tough sell with my husband – I’m also generally more of a dog person, but it seemed so sweet and like it needed a home. Now it kind of feels like it just proved my husband right on the stereotypical reasons he didn’t want a cat. I’m not sure yet.

        1. I Love Thrawn*

          I also think you have a cat now, but in his terms. Being a long term outdoors cat has shaped him in certain ways. He’ll be back.

    4. Red Sky*

      I would say it’s still possible you do have a cat, just a mostly outdoor cat who does what it wants.

    5. StudentA*

      He’s made up his mind. You’re his family, but he’s an outdoor cat. He’s on your property more than your neighbors’, right?

      1. Forking great username*

        Yes, he’s in our yard like 80% of the time and sleeps on our porch. And meows constantly for attention…but won’t come back inside. I’m having a hard time putting my finger on my reasons for this, but I’m not really not okay with having a mostly outdoor or part indoor/part outdoor cat. My husband and I both grew up with dogs, so the cat was kind of a hard sell for him but he agreed if the kids and I really wanted it. But I’m finding it difficult to justify paying for food and flea treatments and stuff like that for an animal that isn’t living in our home. It just doesn’t feel like a pet to me.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I would argue that you’re improving his quality of life. He’ll have a reliable food source, protection from fleas and ticks, and a place to sleep. And I’m thinking maybe he won’t come back in because he was put in a carrier and brought to the vet to be poked and prodded, and now is worried that will happen again if he comes in. Same thing happened with stray we used to take care of. He wouldn’t come near the door for a long time after we brought him to the vet, but eventually he was OK.

        2. Turtlewings*

          “It just doesn’t feel like a pet to me.” — Historically speaking, outdoor and outdoor/indoor pets have been the norm, with the strictly-indoor pet as a very modern invention. One I’m in favor of, but still. Preferring the outdoors doesn’t mean your cat doesn’t love you and think of you as his people. I really think if you’re patient, he’ll get less hinky about coming back inside.

          (I mean… your other option is to, what? Un-adopt the cat that’s still living in your yard? I sympathize with your frustrations, because I prefer indoor pets as well, but that’s not a good look.)

          1. Forking great username*

            Im joining Alison in her hatred of the phrase “not a good look” because, really? It’s not a good look to un-adopt a cat that doesn’t want to be adopted? It clearly prefers living outdoors and I have no interest in continuing to spend money on a cat that refuses to come in our house and just sits outside our door and meows all day?

            1. Fulana del Tal*

              Don’t continue spending money on the cat. A one day visit to the vet doesn’t mean you adopted it, you tried. Its been surviving without your help and others have been feeding it. You have every right to decide you don’t want an outdoor cat. Maybe you can donate the supplies to a shelter or rescue.

            2. Turtlewings*

              Fine, I’ll be more blunt. I think it’s harsh and mean to cease taking care of the cat because you’re miffed that he panicked at being trapped inside a strange house after a traumatizing day. I don’t think there’s any graceful way to back out of the situation, because the cat’s going to continue coming around asking for the food and affection you’ve taught him he can expect from you. I do think if you’re patient with him, it’s still possible he’ll become a house cat in the future. You asked for people’s opinions and there’s mine.

              1. Turtlewings*

                It’s possible we just have very different approaches to pet ownership. I’m sorry for getting snappish.

        3. Girl friday*

          He may never have seen inside before. Just give him a chance, maybe put the food just inside the door every once in awhile and leave the door cracked and step away from it? He’s probably still your cat, I wouldn’t stress about it. If you treat it like a human relationship and just play it by ear it should work. My daughter has an outside cat, that I secretly swear is a jackrabbit, and it took her 2 years to get him to stay inside.

          1. Quandong*

            I agree, it’s quite probable this cat hasn’t been inside houses much or at all. And going to the vet may have been extremely stressful for it too. Please be patient. Don’t stop being kind or affectionate, or feeding the cat unless it moves away from your home.

        4. Koala dreams*

          A lot of people have outdoor cats. What I hear from cat people is that it’s hard to change a cat from outdoor to indoor and the other way around, so it’s quite normal that a stray cat takes a lof of time to learn to be indoors. As for paying, it just the same as paying for everything else in your yard, just that the cat might go for walks and your porch can’t walk. If you think of a dog, is it not a pet because you let it out in the yard and take it for walks outside?

    6. MindoverMoneyChick*

      It’s interesting to me how many people are bothered by the un-adoption. It doesn’t sound like she was feeding the cat before the attempted adoption and the cat was doing ok. Now it’s had a vet check and has decided to go on it’s merry way. Why is it’s Forking’s responsibility to feed and protect the cat from flees any more so than any one els the cat comes in contact with. It doesn’t sound like Forking is removing anything the cat has had all along. Freely admit I’m indifferent to cats and my husband loves them. He wanted to adopt a stay once and I said no. But I don’t think he felt we had an obligation to adopt the cat because it hung around. , he just wanted to because he likes them

  61. Marguerite*

    There is a guy who seems interested in me. I don’t get it. The guy is really good looking- he could have anyone…. Why me? I’m not hideous, but I’m not supermodel thin, pretty, or anything like that. I’ve gotten called “cute” and “pretty” by men, but that sort of attention embarrasses me.

    It’s a self-esteem/confidence issue, but I just don’t know why he would like me. I’m not anything special and there are prettier and smarter women out there compared to me.

    Does anyone experience this? How did you get past it? For those in relationships, do you ever feel this way?

    1. Amber Rose*

      Pretty/smart/etc. are pointless traits in a partner who doesn’t share interests with me, who can’t carry on an interesting conversation, who has no sense of humor, and/or who has a horrible personality.

      Humans are not judged like art pieces. Who you are as a person is more important than the various bits of you, and the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Who you are is also not a comparable trait. You can’t point at someone else and say, “that person is better at personing than me.” You are the only one of you, and that’s bound to be important and valuable to others regardless of how you rank your individual traits.

      2. buttercup*

        So much yes – I love this. Marguerite – you need to give yourself more credit. I’m sure you are beautiful and great company, which is why this guy is attracted to you.

      5. Rogue*

        Thank you, Amber Rose. I needed this today. My self esteem has taken a hit over the years and there’s someone I’m totally into, but my idiot brain keeps going “he’lol never want you,” but I know he does. Someone make my brain not be dumb. Please and thank you. Lol

      6. Hellanon*

        >>the whole is greater than the sum of the parts

        A truth for the ages. Years ago, I started a new job & had a couple of different placements with one of the guys in my training group. After one of them, he confided in me that the woman in charge of us that day was “the most beautiful girl” he’d ever seen. Now, 99 out of a hundred guys would not have said that – what she was, though, was smart and funny and a little graceless, and the totality of her hit him like a ton of bricks. So you never do know who’s going to see YOU through all the messages we get telling us what’s attractive & what’s not, but it’s a rare and precious thing….

    2. Kj*

      There are prettier and smarter people than just about everyone. He’s interested in you for you. He clearly thinks you are special. Do you like him? Do you want to date him?

      Honestly, it sounds like your self-esteem is pretty low, from the way you talk about yourself. To get past it, you need to decide if you want to date him, then trust that he will continue to like you for you. Talking to a therapist might help too.

    3. Blossom*

      I agree with the commenters encouraging you to focus on whether *you* like *him*.

      You might still be figuring that out, and your feelings may change over time, but that is what needs to be important to you. Don’t feel beholden to him. Maybe he is the greatest guy in the world who turns out to be your soulmate, maybe he’s just an average, flawed human being who you end up having a short-lived relationship with, or not even that. It’s not unusual to feel insecure at the single/flirting stage, but if you get into a relationship with him and don’t feel like you are beautiful to him, look closely at where those feelings are coming from, and if they’re coming from him then run a mile. Everyone is beautiful to their loved ones.

    4. Indie*

      I wouldn’t focus the question on looks but it’s worth asking him! Not immediately or inappropriately but I get wanting to know if you are as good a match for him as he is (?) for you. Most of the people I know have different and multiple priorities in their partner hunting, things like: romantic, good conversationalist, generous, mutual hobbies, someone who is admiring, creative..and sometimes yeah, looks (but tastes in all of these categories vary wildly). It’s a genuine question to find out what his needs and tastes are. For what its worth, I don’t know any men who really like the supermodel look because I’ve spent my life flirting with hot men who like short girls. Confirmation bias at its finest! Life is far more varied and interesting than perfume ads would allow us to believe. Actually I feel way better about my bod since I started skipping ads by downloading everything. Oh and women’s magazines are the devil.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      By my personal observations, the best-looking guys I know are not dating the best-looking women that they have access to. This isn’t to say anything about your level of attractiveness (as objectively as something like this can be stated to be), but if you’re fairly secure in your assessment of your looks, it might make you feel better/less suspicious to know that it’s an incredibly common pairing. I have little in the way of explanation for why this might be so. On the other side of things, the most beautiful women I know mostly (more than 50%) are with men who are….not on the women’s level. These women have been treated like garbage, mere arm candy, and targets for bad male behavior so they’re happy to date “average” men who are smart enough to know how lucky they are.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      My husband picked me because of my humanness. I was at work and I dropped something. Then I dropped something else. He started laughing. Later he explained, because he could immediately see I was not perfect and did not pretend to be perfect he felt that I was approachable and he could talk to me.

      It could be that this guy thinks you won’t stomp all over him if he says “hi”.

      I know of another man who said he asked his now wife out the first time because he saw how she treated others with kindness. So it could be that this guy sees you as a person who is rock solid with others.

      These stories don’t always come out right away, sometimes the couple has to know each other for a little bit.

    8. Triple Anon*

      Pretty is in the eye of the beholder, and you have no idea how you look to other people. I didn’t think I was considered attractive until later in life. Now I realize that I probably was attractive when I was younger, but I had no idea because I didn’t recognize the signs that people were attracted to me. A lot of people aren’t direct about it. They act uncomfortable, or they “neg” (playfully or sometimes not so playfully insult you). Or they just look at you a certain way. When someone is direct, it’s a sign that they’re mature and respectful. So I wouldn’t question it. Just talk to him and see what happens.

  62. Elisabeth*

    Potentially TMI

    My Bartholin’s gland cyst is back and I’m just so sick of it. I know it’s only the second time I’ve dealt with this, but it’s uncomfortable bordering on pain and the treatment is horrible. I have a super high pain tolerance, but the whole situation is just … bad.

    And I’m starting my new job the 20th so I really need to be not on the flat of my back for the next few weeks. :(

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I was really prone to those for a while. Are you doing wet heat at home? That would always do it for me without having to get a doctor involved.

      1. Elisabeth*

        How did you do wet heat, if you don’t mind my asking?

        Right now I’m taking hot baths as night. As hot as I can stand and using some witch hazel pads to wash the area.

        1. fposte*

          Nuke wet, folded washcloth. Sit on a towel for extra protection. Apply washcloth. Watch TV (optional). Refold washcloth to get the still-warmer-interior outside when contact side seems to be cooling (5-10 minutes). Watch TV (still optional). When washcloth is cool on skin throughout, give up. Do it again later.

          The more you can do it, the quicker things are likelier to come to a head. I would aim for 20 minutes twice a day.

          1. Elisabeth*

            The real struggle for me is that last time I had it lanced (December) there was NO sign of infection/pus. It was just clear fluid and blood. My doctor was…perplexed by the size of it all things considered. But I will definitely take this under advisement! Thank you!

            1. fposte*

              Huh, that is weird. I know it always took several days for the lump to disappear even after the main drainage–maybe it was something like that? Anyway, it’s pretty hard to hurt yourself with warm wet washcloths, so it’s worth a try.

    2. Mimmy*

      I googled this, and read what the surgical treatment involves – yikes, it does not sound pleasant! I hope this time, it resolves on its own.

      1. Marguerite*

        +1 I had to Google as well. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, OP. Thoughts and prayers on a speedy recovery!

      2. Elisabeth*

        Thank you both! The first time was pretty traumatic because I wasn’t expecting it at all and it’s just….upsetting, especially with no preparation.

    3. MysteryFan*

      I had this problem in my younger days.. Two times I had it lanced (OUCH!) but the last time the new gyno (who was not a surgeon) placed a small “drain” that had to be worn for a couple weeks. It was aggravating, but not especially painful, and the flesh healed around the drain so that when it was removed, the opening was permanently larger. I never had a problem again. I have no idea if this old fashioned approach is even still in use. this was late 70’s, But I share my experience because Bartholin Gland cysts are the WORST! sorry for your pain and suffering.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        Yes, that’s still done. It’s called a Word catheter. Doesn’t work for every single person, though. Sometimes people have to have a more extensive procedure called “marsupialization” which makes a bigger permanent opening and I can see how that would lay you out for a while. Just draining it is fast if not permanent.

    4. ThatGirl*

      My husband had one removed way back not too long after we started dating. For him it was worth it because his was constantly getting infected. He healed fairly quickly, but the recovery can be a bit rough, you have my sympathy.

  63. Indie*

    Toronto folks and shoe lovers, what do people wear in the evenings? I’m staying at a nice hotel on the harbour front in two weeks. My itinerary is done, my last hang up is packing, shoes for the evening particularly. My standby is usually spangly mini wedges or gladiators which are eluding me right now in Britain; is it worth shopping when I get there?

    1. HannahS*

      Very up to you. Really, around Harbourfront you’ll see anything from flat sandals to running shoes to pumps and boots, wedges, stilettos, etc. My experience of Toronto is that it’s a fairly casual place, with dress codes swaying to the casual end–so, for example, even in a restaurant where people dress up, you’ll still see men without jackets and women in flat shoes.

  64. Anon anony*

    My cat usually eats Fancy Feast food and lately he’s been kicking it around. I thought it was the flavor, so I opened a different can of food and he does the same. Sometimes he’ll eat it, other times he just walks away. He’s going to the litter box, but he’s being really fussy with his food.

    Should I take him to the vet? Has anyone experienced this with their feline friends?

    1. Victoria, Please*

      Yes, vet. Cats not eating could mean serious issues, and if they don’t eat for a while that itself leads to issues. Btdt.

    2. LuckySophia*

      Commiserating with you! My current cat ate canned Wellness brand chicken (healthy! no grain! low carb!!) for his first 3 years, then went on “food strike”. Everyone said, “Oh, when he gets hungry enough, he’ll eat it.” Nope. He would go two days eating almost nothing, which I understand is actually dangerous to their health. We tested about 10 cans (different brands/flavors) and his choice was 2 flavors of Friskies canned food — which is NOT so healthy (many carbs!). Every time I tried to switch him back to Wellness….he’d throw up then go on food strike again. So…yeah, 3 years of Friskies, despite my misgivings. Ten days ago he began having, ummm…”digestive issues” and suddenly, the Friskies was resulting in some very unfortunate litterbox stuff. Have been cycling through many cans of different brands/flavors in the past week, and the Merrick brand salmon flavor seems to have gotten his digestive issues corrected. (Thank goodness!). Unfortunately, the Merrick brand seems to have a lot of potatoes/starches. Which concerns me because several prior cats became pre-diabetic before I learned “cats are not designed to handle much in the way of carbs.”

      In summary — it’s not unusual (in my household) for cats to just go “off” a brand of food and only be happy when you switch it. I’d try offering your cat different food for a few days/week and see if that does the trick. If not, then a trip to the vet might be needed.

      And for the AAM commentariat: do any of you have recommendations for a low-carb,”healthy” brand of cat food?

      1. Trixie*

        I’ve had luck with Halo brand and specifically the duck flavor. (Found Halo through Lil Bub!)

      2. Cat Herder*

        Not sure if it’s low carb, but I have cat with an allergy to chicken. I feed Nutrisca salmon dry food. Cat loves it and it’s easy on her tum.

    3. SparklingStars*

      My cat has been doing the exact same thing. First 12 years of her life she would eat anything you put before her – now that she’s turned 13, it’s a coin toss. But a week later, she’ll eat that exact same flavor. I’ve tried a bunch of different brands / flavors but she’s still just being very picky (but she does eat well when she finds something she does like, which is why I suspect pickiness and not illness). I’ve been giving her canned tuna fish sometimes when she won’t eat anything else, just to make sure she gets something in her.

    4. cat socks*

      I would reccomend a vet visit to rule out any medical issues. On of my kitties sometimes has nausea associated with her kidney disease and that affects her appetite. Also, have his teeth checked. It may be possible he needs a cleaning. Good luck!

    5. pcake*

      Our 19 year old cat eats Fancy Feast, but sometimes he will require a change of flavors. For example, for a year his favorite to wolf down (or should that be “cat down”?) was Tender Beef Feast Classic – then suddenly one day he wouldn’t eat it or his second favorite, Chicken Classic. So I suggest trying some new flavors first, but if that doesn’t do it, it’s worth a trip to the vet.

      If your cat isn’t eating, it could be so many things. HK (our cat) has hyperthyroidism, and that stopped him from eating, IBD, which also stops him from eating and also kidney disease, which sometimes causes a loss of appetite. All of those can be treated, too.

  65. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Well, I have almost survived the concrete project. Concrete was poured this morning. The guy’s got a mind like a sieve, and don’t follow through very well. And he wonders why I’m pissed with him.

    Neighbor across the street is pissy because I didn’t use his company. Except that I forgot what he does, and I told him I forgot. So I get it, but seriously, chill.

    Neighbor next door is being nosy and annoying, but so far nothing serious. She is going to go up in FLAMES soon however. Backstory is needed on this one. I have a privacy fence around my backyard, it is set in from the property line about a foot. So the far side of my fence is essentially my neighbor’s backyard. You would think, since it is, that she would pull weeds/maintain it so she doesn’t have to look at it. No, that would require sanity, which she doesn’t have. So last year and this year, she didn’t pull these weeds all summer. I do not have access to pull them. so they get big. The tallest ones are over 5 feet. Well, last year she called code enforcement on me because of the weeds, but it backfired and they gave her the violation. So she had to pull the weeds. This year, she does the same thing – calls code enforcement, but for some reason I get the violation. Still can’t do anything about the weeds, especially since there’s a no trespassing sign on her chicken wire fence (where only I can see it). I call the code guy and talk to him, no resolution yet but it’s in his court. I’ve been told that this has been the situation for years.

    Separately, my fence is falling down. It’s bad. I’m replacing it this year ($4k! At least it should last for decades). I’m expecting the work to be done the 2nd week of September. Well, I was going to leave the fence line where it was (about 1 foot in from the property line). After this nonsense with the weeds however, I’m done. I’m going to have the new fence installed on the property line. Which will require my neighbors to make some adjustments to part of their fence, since it ends at mine. I’ve written a letter and will put it in their mailbox, just not until after the concrete is dry!

    So, feel free to place bets on reaction. I’m betting cops are called at some point.

    1. Free Meerkats*

      No bets on the reaction. But if I were in your shoes, I’d get a fresh property line survey and marking immediately prior to the fence job. You know where it is and apparently she knows where it is, but a fresh survey will avoid (or at least reduce) the chance for drama over the boundary. And if she’s not willing to pay for half the fence cost, put the pretty side of the fence on your side.

    2. fposte*

      I’m glad the concrete’s in! But I’m in agreement with FM here on the fence and boundary lines–if there’s crap growing on your property, you can’t really expect the neighbor to do maintenance. My approach on my relevant fenceline was to start the fence about a foot up from the ground, so I can reach under it to weed. Alternatively, you can talk to a lawyer to see if she might want to purchase an easement to that part of your property, but that could complicate selling your house down the line.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        You’re right, I wouldn’t expect her to pull the weeds. Except that she doesn’t allow me access to pull them, so by default it’s her job. (you’re thinking logically and rationally. Put on your diagnosed, seriously mental illness and most likely untreated cap and think that way.)

          1. misspiggy*

            Nasty things are coming out about Roundup at the moment, by the way- I think on balance I’d look for an alternative.

          2. I'm A Little Teapot*

            I considered it. I try not be that nasty, because I’d kill a lot of bushes and other plants. I think moving the fence will be sufficiently nasty actually. :) And completely justified!

            1. Observer*

              I don’t think that moving the fence is at all nasty. And it’s totally proportionate, and doesn’t damage anything.

              You’re wise not to use the Roundup – that could create a problems your neighbor could legitimately use against you. You don’t hand people like that ammo.

    3. Anono-me*

      You might want to check with your city. The city planner in my city told me if I put the fence directly on the property line, both parties have to agree on every change to the fence.
      The city planner recommend if I put a fence in, that I put it one to two inches inside the property line with some sort of cement or wood or paving stone along the border.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Your town seems more formal than mine. Small town, rural isn’t far away. I will probably aim for 1 inch inside.

      2. Rusty Shackelford*

        I know this is late and I don’t know if anyone will see it. In my neighborhood, the builder puts fences right on the property line, and the only work/repairs we’ve had done have involved us and our neighbors. I agree that if your fence is right on the line, you’ll be forced to deal with this neighbor more than you want to deal with her. Putting it a few inches inside, with paving to stop the weeds, sounds like a very good idea.

    4. PetticoatsandPincushions*

      I’ve found that for any TV series, my enjoyment threshold almost inevitably stops short after season five, and sometimes that last one is a slog. Not sure I even made it all the way through the prior season of OITNB. But I’m not a big series reader either, so I think I just tend towards stories that are designed to be one offs or trilogies. Give me a beginning, middle and end. After that, it’s just extra. Harry Potter, Parks and Rec, and the Little House series obviously excluded.

    5. Shannon*

      If there’s no response, you may want to wait a week or two and then send it again certified. They will have to sign it. So when September rolls around and work is happening they can’t fight it and say they were never told about your plans.

  66. Lcsa99*

    This is probably a crazy question, but for anyone with the Yeowww green fish catnip toy (or any other fabric covered catnip toy) have you discovered a successful way to clean it? One of my cats has slobbered on it so now it looks kinda gross with a dark stain on one end. I am sure its clean enough that it’s fine for them to keep using, but I would really prefer to clean it if possible without ruining it (or diluting the catnip inside). We only have washing machines that are shared by the whole building so we can’t use that. My other thought was the dishwasher without dishes in there with it, but I don’t know if that will make our dishes smell like catnip forever after. Any ideas? Should I just toss it and buy another?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I think most of the cat toys I’ve got have gone through the washer or dishwasher at some point. If they don’t survive, there’s plenty more.

    2. SpellingBee*

      Honestly if it really bothers you I’d just buy another! I don’t think washing it will do much good, since getting it wet with kitty slobber is what made the catnip stain the fabric. One of my kitties licked and chewed on the fabric catnip toys (he loved the Yeowww ones too), so all ours looked pretty grody. The kitties didn’t seem to mind, and I just threw them away when they got old and lost their catnip powers. One way around this would be to make your own catnip toys that you could empty and wash, then refill with fresh catnip, but that’s a bit of trouble you might not want to go through.

  67. tired of dating*

    I’m just tired of dating this year. I’ve been out with seven guys so far this year, and have been single for five years, mostly due to me being busy with other stuff and not being interested in anyone. I’ve gone out with guys I wasn’t into much but tried to be open to second dates, only to not hear from them again. I went out with one guy twice and we got on well, but he’s moving away this fall. Another guy two weeks ago seemed all into me after the date and texting me a lot, then cancelled the second date and ghosted.

    I know that I have a specific type of guy that I like, but I didn’t want to be too narrow-minded and opened up to other guys based on some common interests. It gets so frustrating, and the one consistent relationship I’ve had for the years since my last boyfriend has been a FWB, who is definitely my type, but we have different standards for a relationship and wouldn’t work as a couple. I see him regularly while dating other guys, and it’s a great relationship, but he’s not a boyfriend, and that’s what I really want.

    I’m tired of dating, but I still want to be open to being in a nice relationship with someone who I connect well with, not just settling. Sometimes I feel like I am both weird and boring at the same time. Like too weird for more average types, but too boring for the artsy counterculture types. It just gets annoying when I know what kind of guys I like based on my ex and my FWB, but can’t seem to make that happen again in a real relationship.

    1. buttercup*

      OMG – are you me??? This has been my life for the past five years as well. Well, I didn’t feel “ready” to date until about a year and a half ago, but things haven’t been progressing much or well. I’m also picky, I think.

      1. tired of dating*

        I’m not trying to be picky, I just don’t get interested in guys much, though I know I’m not into women. I’m not good with being with just any dude, I found that I fit in best with the artsy types who have kind of a metal or rougher side to them, who have geeky passions while being fairly streetwise. That’s a very specific combo, and I have found it with a few guys I’ve either or been close friends with.

        I forgot that I went out with some other guy, so that makes eight. Last weekend, I hung out with my roommate and his friends, meeting and finding one of his friends interesting. We had casual chat while playing a board game, and he’s lightly tease me about talking to my girlfriend while playing the game or losing the game due to forgetting some rules. He later accepted my Facebook friend request that I sent several days later. I don’t expect anything to really come out of it, it was just nice to make a new friendly connection.

    2. Indie*

      Sometimes you just need a break. It’s genuine hard work.

      A friend of mine read a theory from an ex matchmaker that it takes thirty dates to find even a couple of decent contenders. She gave it a go, planning to go on one date a week for a year with only minimal pre screening and no stopping unless you were psyched (only two people qualified for second dates). She married number 14 and they’re expecting baby no 2 right now. I thought I would give it a whirl as I’d had pretty bad luck in the past and zipping through numbers appealed to me. So of course I fell for number one. It’s lucky I love him. I was planning on making a really entertaining blog out of it.

      1. Turtlewings*

        That’s really intriguing. Depressing in a way, because I’m extremely shy and introverted and my problem has been getting anyone interested in me at all (rather than dating and it not going anywhere), but it’s also motivating to know that there might be a “magic number” after which, statistically speaking, SOMETHING will happen, if you can get there.

        And then there’s lottery winners like you! Congratulations on getting your prize on the first try. :D

        1. Indie*

          Well it may have been the first chapter but it was not my first book! Also, I know loads of people both shy and otherwise who are happily coupled without trying that theory (only two guinea pigs so far after all) but my takeaways from it were:
          a) Get out there and tell people you barely know you are officially in dating mode (I went on a couple of dating sites so I could vet potentials in my jammies, while my friend ……she’s in PR. (I met no1 online, hers was a very shy college friend-of-friend who’d never been able to catch her while single)
          b) Move along to the next one when you feel lukewarm. It’s only contender number # after all. There are # dates still to go.
          C) Practice makes perfect. Friend and I are both reporters. She said it was exactly like going out to interview people. It is, because you’re meeting acquaintances and strangers and strangely that’s less of a big deal than dating a crush.

          The matchmaker said she only had one person go over 30, number 31 was the charm apparently!

      2. Thlayli*

        Makes sense. I read a blog by a guy who found 52 dating sites and went on a date from each. By the end of the year he was in a relationship, though he did finish the last few dates just to complete the project.

          1. Thlayli*

            Sorry was a long time ago so no. But you could search for it it might still be up.

            My own personal experience also fits the idea of “you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince” so I’d well believ the 30 mark. I’ve probably been on about 30 dates for every long term relationship I’ve had.

  68. StudentA*

    If you’ve been on the fence about whether to keep watching Orange is the New Black, you can stop. I honestly don’t see how the average viewer could like the last two seasons. Unless you’re a diehard fan, it’s pretty much the end. I hate to be pessimistic about it, but I’ve learned that when a good show gets this womp-womp, it’s jumped the shark and I’m not holding my breath waiting for it to be good again. I can see if there’s not enough content out there, but the market is oversaturated. I’ll probably stick it out, as I did with Lost (but not with Walking Dead), but I’m managing my expectations. And yes, I made a similar comment last week :)

    Thoughts?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t watch OITNB, but I do watch Walking Dead. Or I’m trying to watch. I have at least half a season of episodes to catch up on, but can’t bring myself to do it. The whole war thing is just dragging. I want to see them actually rebuild in a meaningful way. It’s driving me nuts.

      I stuck it out with Lost. I don’t regret it, but there was a lot of confusing material there and it was hard to get through.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I used to watch the Walking Dead but, honestly, after that ridiculous cliffhanger in season 6 and the rubbish payoff in season seven, I checked out.

        I mentioned it before in one of these threads but it really frustrates me when TV shows don’t have an exit plan. I hate it when they seem to just roll on forever (like Lost) with no clear direction. It starts out great and then just trudges along.

        It’s why I’m optimistic about Stranger Things because the Duffer brothers have said that it’s only going to be four seasons and they have it planned out. I think that really keeps the quality tight rather than like TWD, which has just unspooled – I’m not surprised, or disappointed, that two main characters will be leaving in season nine. I’m just surprised it hasn’t happened sooner.

        1. Arya Parya*

          I stopped watching TWD at the exact same point. I really prefer shows that have the main plot planned out, such as Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones (though that had other flaws), hopefully Westworld.

          I stopped watching OITNB after three seasons, not enough progress to keep me interested. I also fear the Handmaid’s Tale will start treading water too much.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Westworld! I’m far behind on that one. I watched the first two episodes of the second season and haven’t gotten a change to continue on. I’m hoping this turns out to be good until the end.

            TWD. I was going to give up on this one, as the whole war thing is wearing on me and is just too dragged out for me, but I sat down last night to watch a few DVR’d episodes and I’m back into it. Still not as enthusiastic as I was a few seasons ago, but I’m willing to keep watching for a while.

            There was a show called Turn: Washington’s Spies (not sure how many people watched that) on AMC (I think) and it was known from the beginning that it would be only four seasons, which spanned the length of the Revolutionary War. It was great all the way through and, though I was sad that four seasons flew by so fast, the fact that it was limited kept the story very tight and moving along.

        2. foolofgrace*

          >it really frustrates me when TV shows don’t have an exit plan

          When a new TV series is proposed, the producers have to show a five-year plan for the series. Not plot out every episode, but show The Plan. Sometimes a show really takes off like Lost and goes beyond the five-year plan and producers have to come up with new ideas. That’s probably why some shows seem to slog along after Season Five. Personally, I loved Lost all the way thru and didn’t see a big transition.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Once a particular character died at the end of a particular season (am I allowed to say?), I pretty much checked out of Orange is the New Black.

    3. Mimmy*

      I loved OITNB when it first came out as did my husband, though I think he stopped watching after season 2 or 3, I forget. I tried watching it last year (the season before this one), and I just could not get into it. I think I gave up after just one or two episodes.

    4. BRR*

      I’m wondering if it’s a Jenji Kohan thing because I feel very similar to OITNB as I did to Weeds. I’ll probabaly still watch it because it’s summer and my tv schedule is less busy.

    5. Gatomon*

      I’m still enjoying OITNB, though *possible spoiler alert* I am glad that some stagnating characters/storylines are ending. It seems like we’re going to get a somewhat refreshed roster next season, which I hope will breathe life into it and allow it to visit new territory. There’s still some old characters and plotlines I’m invested in enough to stick around.

      As for TWD… things have really been downhill since Terminus. I’m not going to follow the upcoming season; when it hits Netflix I’ll probably watch it just to see if there’s a resolution.

  69. buttercup*

    I’ve currently been in not-the-best mental state the past few weeks. Neither have two of my friends and they have been relying on me for support. Normally, I am happy to give support, but I think I’m running out of emotional/psychological steam. I’m daydreaming about running away to a remote island for 4 weeks or something (not realistic, but would be nice.)

    1. Thlayli*

      It’s ok to say “sorry I’m going through something and I can’t deal with this now”. It’s also ok to ring them and lean on them for support – see how they react when you try this. Friendships shouldn’t be just one-way.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      This is late, but…
      Take care of yourself first. You must be your biggest priority…and you can’t help others if you’re not in a good place. You can take those 4 weeks and tell your friends you’re going ‘no contact’ for that time to recharge your batteries. Assure them it’s for your own health and well-being. Your virtual island.
      Any kind of boundary-setting is a great experiment for you to try. The experience will help you figure out how much support (if any) you can reasonably offer without depleting yourself.
      Weird quote: Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
      Best of Luck.

  70. Susan*

    I had a friend once.

    We met at work And became friends. We were close. He left the job and we still talked and met afterwards. Eventually I found out he blocked me on social media. We didn’t fight or anything. Won’t return my msgs and calls

    It’s been 4 months and he still pops up in my dreams sometimes. I no longer contact him or think about him during th day but damn when I have a dream about him I end up missing him rest of the day.

    He was my best friend at the time. I sacrificed my commute naps to talk to him. Im a texter but i talked on the phone. I stayed up late to talk to him. He’s the one I talked to when I was drunk.

    Maybe it was me maybe it wasn’t. He did tell me that he finds it super easy to cut people out but he’d never do that to me.

    I hope he’s well. But I don’t want to see or talk to him again. I hate myself for getting so attached. I hate that I miss him. I hate that I believed him and felt so valued and then cut off w/o a thought.

    And no we never hooked up or anything.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Sometimes people just have their own things to deal with. You may be the unfortunate collateral damage, but it has nothing to do with you. I’ve had a couple of friends cut me out of their lives that I’m pretty sure I wasn’t toxic to. It sucks, but just know it’s probably not about you.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      It sounds like it was a pretty intense friendship. Some people hit a limit with those and bounce suddenly.

      1. Susan*

        Yes… yes I’d say it was. Definitely someone I would have dated if circumstances were different. We never crossed those lines though since we worked together.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It sounds like it was getting too close and too comfy so he panicked and fled.
      I am so sorry.

    4. kc89*

      I recently had a close friend do the same, removed me from social media and won’t return texts. It’s not fun!

      Surprisingly I didn’t get that upset about it though because I know I did nothing so it has nothing to do with me.

  71. Pharmgirl*

    I just finished watching both Dark and Sacred Games on Netflix – has anyone else seen them? I was hooked instantly on both and loved them, waiting for their second seasons is going to be tough!

      1. Pharmgirl*

        What’d you think? I really liked how all the subplots were woven together by the end. Season 2 should be interesting.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I thought it was great—taut and surprising. The characters seem like real, flawed people.

          I also thought no 11-year-old from 2019 would be able to recognize a rotary phone in the 1980s police station as a phone, let alone know how to use it. ;)

          I’m looking forward to more.

    2. Anonymosity*

      Dark is SO GOOD!! I watched it ages ago–I really am dying for more!

      I also told everyone to watch it in German with subtitles because the English dub is horrendous. Just awful. One of the worst dubs I’ve ever heard.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Yes, me too! I actually stopped the trailer halfway through to see if I could get rid of the dubbing. The actors are so good, and the dubbing ruins it.

  72. Woman of a Certain Age*

    I’ve got a bad diet soda addiction and lately I’ve been reading about how, supposedly, drinking carbonated beverages contributes to bone loss and osteoporosis. I’m not really sure if this is true or not, but I have noticed that I’m just a wee bit shorter than I used to be, and I think I might be getting a bit stooped and round-shouldered. Or maybe I’m a hypochondriac.

    So, what do you drink if you don’t drink diet soda? Plain water doesn’t really seem to quench my thirst, but I can force myself to drink it. Iced tea? (I’ve heard of people who drink lots of iced tea and they supposed get kidney stones from it.) We’re in the middle of a heat wave where I live, so I do get thirsty.

    1. fposte*

      If water doesn’t quench it, it might be something more than thirst going on (or you might not be drinking enough).

      I used to hate water and then I made a point of getting used to it after college, mostly to transition off of soda. Relevant factors include the flavor of the water you’re drinking and how you like to drink water–some people like cold glasses with lots of ice, whereas I like plastic bottles of room temperature. But I’d definitely give water a determined try, as it’s your cheapest and and healthiest alternative.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Yes this! I used to hate water too, and found out that cold water through a straw definitely quenches my thirst. I’ve never been a soda drinker (though love coke!), but have always liked fruit juices. Now I have several Contigo water bottles with straws, and make sure to keep it filled withcold water – I find myself choosing water more and more as a beverage compared to juice.

    2. Thursday Next*

      Iced herbal tea—I like mint in the summer. I hadn’t heard about tea leading to kidney stones—all tea, or just black?

      1. Woman of a Certain Age*

        As far as I know, just black. Supposedly it comes from caffeine in the water and from minerals, especially calcium, in the water. The people I know who have had this problem were all in the 60s or older, did very heavy physical labor outside in hot weather and would drink a gallon of iced tea during the course of 4 hours or so.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          My dad drank the family’s iced tea recipe (made with black tea) for years and he then got big kidney stones. Doctor told him the iced tea contributes to stones, although I don’t know the science behind it, and told my dad to not drink it anymore. My dad switched over to Crystal Light lemonade and never had another stone. Same thing happened to my cousin, another family recipe iced tea drinker for many years.

    3. Thlayli*

      Soda makes you more thirsty doesn’t it? I drink water a lot, milk and juice too. I rarely drink soda though to do drink a can of red bull every day.

    4. nep*

      I generally don’t enjoy drinking water. At the same time I feel so much better when I do drink enough.
      I find that it makes a difference what kind of bottle/cup/glass I’m using. (I prefer a glass or cup.) Also, sipping constantly rather than taking large amounts just periodically–that helps for me.
      I also drink weak-ish green tea all day.
      Does it help at all to squeeze juice from a lemon or lime into your water?

    5. HannahS*

      If I drink water, I really like to drink it with a straw. Somehow it helps. I drink a LOT of tea. Black with sugar and milk in the morning, herbal later on. I often have a pitcher of water in the fridge with a teabag in it–no sugar, just flavouring the water. Ginger/peach iced tea, iced green tea, and there’s this great (I think) barley tea at H-mart that when stuck in a pitcher the fridge tastes like a nice cold glass of toast. It sounds weird but is so good.

    6. WellRed*

      I feel ya. I don’t like water or ice tea and cannot drink lemonade or fruit juice. I do drink some milk, but only with a meal (also has sugar but not as much as juice). So I go through phases with diet coke.

    7. Foreign Octopus*

      I had a pretty bad diet pepsi addiction for a long time (since I was about 13 and could access the vending machine in my school) but last year I was able to cut it down.

      Instead of going cold turkey, I slowly reduced my intake. Instead of one in the morning, I’d have a glass of water and then not think about my intake for the rest of the day. I did that for a week. Then I stopped drinking diet pepsi in the morning – same routine, do it for a week – and slowly I was able to get myself down from 2 litres a day to 1-2 cans a day. It’s still not healthy-healthy but it’s better than before.

      I replaced it with water because I don’t mind it but maybe squash would be a good idea. Or diluted fruit juice. I also drink more milk than before.

    8. BRR*

      I’m similar and drink flavored waters. Typically Kirkland diet green teas with citrus and crystal light. Maybe fruit flavored water and you could get one of those pictures to flavor it?

    9. I Am Still Furious!!*

      I like to use a water bottle with a slotted tube in it – OMG can’t remember what it’s called now – but I slice lemons and limes and let it sit overnight in the fridge. I love the taste and it really helped me break my 3 can a day diet soda habit.

    10. Kuododi*

      Actually, I talked to my kidney specialist about iced tea consumption among other things. Apparently leaf tea isn’t a risk factor for causing kidney stones but will aggravate the problem if it already exists. (Being a Southern woman, sweet tea is one of my all time favorites.). I did give up soda over 2 years ago when I first found out my kidneys were malfunctioning. I started drinking sparkling water to give my taste buds a change of pace. (Dentist SD it would be fine.) Hope that helps!

    11. Book Lover*

      I stopped drinking diet soda a couple of months this ago. I wondered if it might help me lose weight. I do snack a bit less but actually gained a bit of weight and I miss the soda. I still feel like quitting was the right thing to do. I am drinking more hot tea, even in this heat wave.

    12. Lora*

      Hopefully this nests correctly …

      Coca cola and Pepsi and many other sodas are flavored with phosphoric acid (sour taste) and the phosphate disrupts your calcium-phosphate balance leading to osteoporosis. See stories of the Match Girls in factories that made matches with phosphorus – phosphorus exposure is no joke.

      I have no problem drinking water but I usually put mint or sliced lemon or something in it. I drink milk too though, and tea in restaurants. Ginger ale is often okay too. You just have to read the ingredients, some use citric acid instead and they’re okay

      1. Woman of a Certain Age*

        This! This must be what I’ve heard about. Thank you, Lora! I tried to find this information on internet and there was just a whole bunch of contradictory stories and I didn’t know what to believe.

        I checked what I have in my house and phosphoric acid is one of the ingredients in Diet Coke. However, it is NOT in Vernor’s Diet Ginger Ale and NOT in La Croix sparkling water. I will keep my eyes open for “phosphoric acid” and make a point of avoiding it when I buy soda and sparkling water, although I expect that I don’t plan to buy as much as I used to.

    13. Bluebell*

      I like seltzer more than plain water or even fruit flavor water. Not sure why but it’s more drinkable for me. I drink 1-3 Diet Cokes a week usually and multiple glasses of seltzer at home. Plus some herbal hot tea at work where the AC is strong.

    14. nd*

      You have a lot of options. You can try flavored or plain sparkling water, because maybe it’s the carbonation that you like. You can also try herbal infusions (some people call them herbal teas), hot or iced depending on the weather. I am currently drinking iced hibiscus infusion, because it’s cooling. You can squeeze a citrus fruit, such as lemon, lime, or orange, into your water. But do learn to tolerate or even like plain water, because it’s really the best thing for you, not to mention the cheapest.

    15. LuJessMin*

      I had to stop drinking soda because it was causing my bladder to have issues. I love water, but only plain water, no flavored or sparkling. I love lemonade and limeade, but again, bladder gets angry with too much citrus. So it’s either tea or water for me.

    16. KristinaL*

      I have 2 tricks for drinking more water:

      1. Put a small amount (maybe 1-2 tablespoons) of fruit juice or Gatorade in a cup and then fill the rest with water.
      2. Get 2 water containers like something you’d take in a car (something with a lid), keep 1 in the fridge, have the other nearby so it’s easy to take a sip when you feel like it, and rotate them. Preferably with filtered water (it tastes better). The idea is, if it’s right there, and you feel slightly thirsty, it’s easy to drink some.

      1. Woman of a Certain Age*

        I’ve always been kind of wary of Gatorade (and other sports drinks) because it seemed to have so many chemicals in it, but I suppose it is not worse than many other carbonated sodas. I know it is supposed to have extra electrolytes in it and, while I don’t drink it regularly, I do drink it on the rare occasions when I have to do physical labor or when I’m sick with a fever.

    17. Woman of a Certain Age*

      Thank you to everyone who commented (especially Lora). You’ve really given me some very helpful suggestions and ideas about how to proceed. You are the best. And thank you, Alison, for providing this forum.

  73. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Remember the lump the size of a ping pong ball I mentioned here a couple of weeks ago? After an endless tug of war with my company provided insurance, I gave up with them and went to see a traumatologist using my own. In the end, what at first sight looked like a ordinary lipoma turned out to be a hematoma big as a penny encapsulated by local tissue (hence its squishy texture and lack of pain). Luckily, it shrunk massively and now it’s almost gone.
    On the bad side, I spend my whole staycation studying for a final that I failed by two points! I was so angry with myself that I codeded it using LaTeX and posted it in the students forum. I may try again the next finals season.

    1. fposte*

      I remember your lump, and I’m glad it was nothing worrisome, even though it was weird. Bummer on the test, but you got pretty close.

    1. acmx*

      I’ve only used it for a discounted event but I think it would be OK for travel as long as you read the T&C, of course.

      What kind of trip are you looking for?

  75. I Am a Terrible Person?*

    I need some advice. My friend is going through her first pregnancy. I have never been pregnant. And I’m super excited for her and I want to be supportive. She’s in that really-really-sick-difficult-miserable stage. I want to be her cheerleader and a good friend.

    The reality is though, I’m struggling. It’s been weeks and it’s starting to feel like every communication is pregnancy related. Which, I get! Logically, it’s a huge, difficult, consuming undertaking. And in the hard bits, it sounds HARD. But I miss having a friend to talk to other things about. It’s also starting to seriously make me feel downright ill about ever being pregnant myself and I have a whole mess of feelings about her experience coloring my own decisions about whether or not to have a child. This sounds terrible, but I’m starting to worry that her difficulty and feelings around her pregnancy, may make me shy away from considering it for myself (I’m on the fence).

    At my best, I feel like a broken record trying to support her through the rough spots. In short, even though I can understand she’s going through a legitimately difficult process, I feel selfish. How do I keep responding in a positive, good friend way with these feelings?

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think you’re selfish for missing when friendship was more of a back and forth, or for finding that her difficulties make you think about your own possible future experiences. There is also no hard and fast rule about how long somebody’s difficulty can last before a friend can reasonably turn the topic back to herself sometimes.

      So for the moment what I’d do is accept the feelings but not expect her to help you with them (not that you said you would). Some broken-record reassurance isn’t a bad thing; support isn’t about being original, and you don’t have to feel pure sympathy for your friend in the moment for your reassurance to be valid. I’m assuming this is the first trimester; if things settle down when she moves into the second trimester, you can see if you guys can attain a more balanced conversational focus again. If she’s having a fairly calm pregnancy at that point but still can’t seem to think about other people’s stuff, I think it’s kosher, if you’re so inclined, to gently make that point.

      1. I Am a Terrible Person?*

        Thank you, this was really kind and useful advice. I feel like I really should be able to be more understanding at least for the first trimester. And yeah, I’ve kept all this to myself because I am fairly sure if I were in her place I would really be doing the same and it would be terribly hard for me.

        1. I give up :P*

          And I outed myself the other way. Oh well. I’ll just not try posting under different user names ever again. Ack. Alison fixed it the first time, but, eh, I’ve tried and shown I cannot handle two different username posts. If others manage, much kudos. I swore I’d be more careful and here I am, same day, messing it up again.

    2. Adele*

      Tough one. Usually when a friend gets stuck and wallows, I eventually say, “Ok, so what are you going to do about?” And ask “What are you doing about it?” the next time and every time thereafter.

      But that doesn’t work for someone having a meserable pregnancy or for someone who is solely focused on their own concerns. I think you just need to be direct but kind. Tell her you miss your back and forth conversations and being able to tell her about your life and to bounce ideas off her. Tell her you are interested in her ideas about the midterm electons or whatever is truthful.

      If she can’t ever unfocus on herself now, it may only get worse when baby arrives. I think it is a kindness to tell her. Right now it might need to be more her than you but that isn’t sustainable in a friendship.

    3. Triple Anon*

      I don’t think you need to force any positivity. I think authenticity is the kindest thing you can bring to any kind of relationship. And it’s a way to be supportive. Empathizing and validating. Say what you think. “That sounds awful,” “Wow, that’s upsetting to hear about.” And ask if she’s talking to her doctor or midwife, getting second opinions when something isn’t helping, requesting help from family as needed, maybe finding a pregnancy support group. In other words, it’s ok to imply or say directly that you’re overwhelmed and suggest resources that could be more helpful. I have never been pregnant either. Just going by my ideas about friendship and how to be supportive when you’re overwhelmed by things.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Yes! Or something similar. Something that redirects and has value on its own.

        IME, pregnancy can be so physically disruptive that it becomes hard to focus on other things. As the physical issues subside, it becomes easier to look outside oneself. I think that can be true of any physically involved condition.

        I don’t think it’s a sign that she won’t talk about anything else, ever.

        Tell her you are glad to hear about her pregnancy but also hope you can have some back and forth conversations because you miss her.

        1. Amey*

          I agree with this. Pregnancy is temporary and can be really physically and mentally stressful in a very time limited way. You can’t escape from it in the way that you can from your kids! I had a lot of pregnancy anxiety in both of my pregnancies and while I didn’t talk about it all the time, I definitely thought about it most of the time. I was essentially treading water for 9 months trying to get through it. I honestly got really fed up with the ‘it’s not an illness’ messaging around pregnancy – I was in a lot of physical and mental discomfort all the way through but felt really judged if I expressed it.

          I don’t think I’m like this as a parent! I get really fed up of talking about kids all day and when I’m at work or have time out with my friends, we’ll occasionally have a kid conversation (usually if we both have kids) but I really prefer talking about other things. The fact that I’m physically disconnected from my kids (whom I adore and who take up the greatest part of my life) makes all the difference. You can’t take a break from being pregnant – some people love that but for people like me it was pretty hellish. It was totally worth it, and I did it twice, but I’m not sure I’ll do it again almost purely because of the emotional toll pregnancy took on me and my support network.

      2. I Am a Terrible Person?*

        I wish we could spend more time in person for suggestions like this. Alas, we are long distance so not being able to actually do activities together probably makes it harder!

    5. foolofgrace*

      I empathize with your problem and second the advice given here. But I must point out that it’s not going to get any better once the child is born. If you think the conversation is dominated by pregnancy now, just wait for nine months. I don’t mean to be a downer, sorry.

      1. Amey*

        I just want to say that I’ve commented above to give a different perspective to this, but I want to add the caveat to my comments that the newborn stage probably is like this for everyone too. It’s so all-consuming but very short. I’m pushing back hard, however, on the idea that as soon as you have a child, the only thing you ever talk about is children.

      2. Thursday Next*

        I look forward to opportunities not to talk about my kids! As Amey notes, the newborn stage is disorienting and probably not the best time for meaningful adult discourse with parents. But afterwards? Bring on the adults, please!

      3. Courageous cat*

        I dunno, now that my friend’s had a baby for nearly 2 years, she is so glad to NOT talk about her, and keeps active in other areas of her life. I definitely don’t think this is a given, though certainly there are plenty of parents who are downright obsessed with their children and ultimately end up annoying me. Just depends.

  76. LDR*

    Ive been on a long distance relationship for one year and a half… We live on the other side of the continent so it is hard seeing each other frequently, we’ve managed to see each other every 5/6 months. I love him very much and i know i want to spend my life with him (or at least try), but the problem is that the day to day is too hard. I often feel too lonely and sad, and just feel like crying. I’m usually better during the week as i have work and school to keep me busy, but the weekends are the hardest. Also, almost all of my friends are in a relationship so we don’t hang out as much as we used to.
    Sometimes i think, if i should be feeling this way and suffering so much for someone, especially when i’m 25. We don’t have an exact plan on how we’d close the distance. We’ve talked about doing it next year but we haven’t actually figured out how that would work.
    What makes it worse is that, for me, realistically it is too hard for us to be together. I’m studying to be a lawyer and have a good job in that field so moving to another country for me would mean that I have to stop studying (it is too expensive and hard to get into schools in his country), quit and find some other job when im perfectly happy with that aspect of my life right now. And for him, it would be very hard to get a job in mine. At the moment he’s working at a bar (he’s 33), and while this is a totally acceptable job, i don’t see it has much growth/future for him, and economically i don’t think he’d be ready to live with someone else (he’s living at home) so… in the end, yes we do love each other but in real life i don’t think that just love is enough.
    I’m scared that i know all of this and i’m just trying to cancel it in my mind out of fear of being alone (which is kind of stupid seeing as right now i’m physically alone most of the time) or just because i love him too much to see the truth. When we’re together everything is wonderful and we have a connection that’s the kind you only get to experience with someone only once or few times in your life, so that makes me want to still give it a try, but i just can’t forget the facts about all the complications we have to face.
    Honestly, i don’t know what i should do. And i know no one can tell me, it is my choice but I’m so lost. It is too complicated. I also wonder, am i missing out on my youth just staying home thinking and idealizing someone? I used to go out with friends, be happy, date guys, just be normal for my age and now i’m spending too much time overthinking this, imagining life and not really living… I don’t really have an exact question, just needed to express myself since i’ve already tired my best friend out with this topic i think, haha.

    1. WellRed*

      Ok, I will comment on a couple things here and with the utmost sympathy. Of course everything is great when you get together. It’s like repeating the honeymoon phase ever 6 months. Plus, you likely aren’t dealing with the day to day druggery of life during that time. It also sounds like you have different ambitions which can be ok. Or not. If one of you did move continents, which sounds unlikely given your career plans, you might find you two aren’t meant to be together in real life. Finally, you are 25 and unhappy and lonely. Think about that.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. I do feel like you’re compromising a lot and trying to talk yourself into thinking that certain things aren’t big deals even though they are. I’m saying this as someone who is 33 and living at home just like he is: Is he doing so with the goal of saving money for a house? Is he going to school? Is he thinking about transitioning into a career that’s more sustainable as he gets into his 40s and 50s? There’s no shame in being a single adult who’s living with mom, but I kinda need to know that there’s a good mature reason behind it, you know? There’s dignity in any job, and there’s no reason to be ashamed of dating a bartender, but I understand why it doesn’t thrill you, or make you feel like he’s matching your efforts in working toward a future career. Ask yourself if you’d be happy living a day-to-day life with someone who was never home at the same time as you.

      There have been too many posts in these open threads from people who married ~for love and found themselves doing all the heavy lifting for partners who didn’t want to get grown-up jobs. You’re not judgmental or closed-minded for wanting to have a partner whose career and finances match yours.

    3. Thlayli*

      All you need is love…

      … is a song by 4 guys who all ended up divorced. One of whom was serial cheater and another was a wife beater.

      In reality you need a lot more than love to keep a relationship going.

      Good luck with your decision.

        1. Thlayli*

          John Lennon beat his first wife Cynthia. George Harrison cheated multiple times on his first wife Pattie, once with Ringos wife Maureen which was the final straw for Pattie. Ringo also ended up divorced (but surprisingly not straight after the affair with George – he forgave Maureen for that but they did break up eventually). Paul was the only one who had a “till death do us part” marriage with Linda but he did end up getting divorced in the end from his second wife Heather.

          So all in all it’s a pretty sad demonstration of how love is definitely not all you need.

          1. Indie*

            Apparently John took his art school girlfriend into a room where everyone was having sex at a party and she shied back going ‘No way’. So he hit her and she broke it off with him. They hadn’t been going out long.

    4. Girl friday*

      It sounds to me like you need fun and friends. Maybe read my post earlier about cheap things to do and just challenge yourself to do two new activities a week, plus make some goals at work, and talk to five new people a week. That will build on itself and make life better fast.

    5. Jen Erik*

      That sounds really hard.

      I did LDR with my husband for a couple of years, then again for a year after we were married, but I don’t think I could have managed seeing him so infrequently.

      Stupid question, but could you not be in a relationship with him? I’m thinking about my brother, who was very much in love with his girlfriend, but she felt too young to settle down and they broke up. And he was heartbroken, and it was awful, but they stayed friends and a couple of years later she felt differently and they eventually married.

      I know it’s different in your case, but could you go, we can’t be together at the moment, so we’ll shelve the LDR and maybe in a few years, if we both still feel the same way, things will be different and a relationship will be possible.
      And if you can’t, if the relationship is your number one priority. perhaps that clarifies things in a different way.

      Other – obvious – thing to say, that you clearly know because you talk about idealising someone, but I didn’t know at your age – is that when you see someone in bits and pieces like that, it doesn’t necessarily let you know how a full time relationship would work. So I think you’re right when you say it would be foolish to quit a career you enjoy. OTOH, just from what you say, it seems he has a living situation and a job he could return to if things didn’t work out – is there any way he could get a work visa for wherever you are?

    6. Cedrus Libani*

      There’s a great test* for deciding whether you’re actually OK with something – if things stay exactly as they are, how long would you be willing to remain in this relationship? A month? A year? Ten years?

      If it’s twenty years from now, and you’re a single lawyer who has spent forty passionate, sex-filled weekends in your 53-year-old boyfriend’s mom’s basement, because he’s still tending bar in another country on the opposite side of the continent, are you happy?

      I’m no lawyer, but even I know that lawyers can’t simply move to a different country and expect to find a job. (They have different laws there, right?) And I know there are often skill-based and/or financial requirements for immigration, and a 33-year-old bartender won’t qualify. So, nothing’s going to change.

      If you’re okay with this, I can’t tell you you’re wrong…but TBH this wouldn’t be okay with me. Unless you’ve got some very, very specific requirements, you can find someone who makes you happy and doesn’t come with a gigantic deal-breaker attached.

      * from Captain Awkward, link in name

    7. AcademiaNut*

      I work in a field that has a lot of long distance relationships, often between countries. So I’ve seen a lot of variations like this play out. So I have a few questions/comments that may help you think about the situation.

      How long are you willing to live like this? Another year? Five years? Ten years? Forever? Think seriously about this – you currently don’t have any real plans about how change the situation, so nothing’s going to change over the next couple of years.

      Would you be willing to quit a good job, drop out of your program and change careers to move to be with him? Could you do it with a clear heart, without resenting him or expecting anything in return (like an obligation to stay in a foundering relationship because you sacrificed so much for him)? Can you do it knowing the relationship might not work out, and you’d be starting over on your own?

      What’s the visa situation like? Is it even *possible* for one of you to decide to move to the other country? You generally can’t just pick up and move to another country – you need a resident permit, and for that you either need to go through lengthy immigration channels, or get a student/employment visa. Getting an employment visa is highly dependent on your job, and bartender isn’t high up on the list of preferred careers. (Note – getting married straight from a long distance relationship for visa reasons is generally a terrible idea and can get really messy really fast).

      Have you always been long distance? Have you ever lived together? A LDR is very different from actually living with someone day in and day out. As others have said, you get the honeymoon parts – a few days or a week where you’re intent on having the best time possible. Day to day living, with varying moods and libido and work stress and people being annoying and messy, and dealing with each other’s family and friends can be very very different. I’ve seen more than one relationship implode after one person has moved to be with the other.

      In my observation, though, very long distance international relationships with no anticipated end point, particularly if the relationship has always or mostly been long distance, have a really low chance of long term success. You’ve been together a year and a half, you love the guy but are miserable in your own life, and you don’t see any chance of things changing.

      1. Triple Anon*

        This is good advice. I didn’t read the whole post, but I have had long distance international relationships. I think it helps to get flexible with your definition of a relationship and think about what it is now and what you want. Labels aside, is there and do you want: a good friendship, romance, monogamy, commitment, someone to talk to by phone or online, someone to spend time with in person, and so on. If there are voids, could they be filled? For example, could friendships or roommate situations help to fill the “someone to hang out with in person,” void while the person you’re romantically involved with is far away? How do you really feel about monogamy? Are you strictly monogamous, romantically and sexually, or is there some flexibility there? How about relationships that are in a gray area between friendship and a serious relationship?

        In my experience, long distance things tend to work best if there is some flexibility with regard to labels and expectations. You can be monogamous. You can think of it more like any other relationship. But it’s going to be different from a close proximity relationship, so you have to accept that for what it is and make that part of your life, even if there are long term plans to be together geographically.

    8. Indie*

      So much of what you’ve said could be needlepointed! You are wise and you know what you want. I’d also bet you have the courage to get it.

    9. Indie*

      Something else to consider is that break ups aren’t always permanent; there’s just a decent risk of them being permanent.

      I mean, I know people who broke it off before situational stuff broke them in half. It was a clean break, and preserved good memories instead of being a death by a thousand cuts. Some of those people (a minority, sure) found one another again when circumstances had changed. I don’t think this would have happened if they’d clung on past the point of suffering.

    10. Anon for this*

      I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I think you should break up with him if you can’t reasonably see a future of living together in at least a year or two. If your day to day is hard, you’re just facing more unknown years of suffering while trying to figure out your career and how to at least live closer to each other. Some things I think you should consider are – 1) are you willing to support him financially as you’re much more likely to be making a higher salary than him?; 2) he’s seven years older than you, and while it’s really not that big a factor, how much does ambition in your partner and equality of partnership matter to you?; 3) will you resent him for not living on his own and not having career path? (in reading your post, it sounds like you’ve realized that this may be a big issue); and 4) what do you gain to be with him if it means losing your career? sometimes, love isn’t everything, and it’s a fairytale sold to us.

      As for “am i missing out on my youth just staying home thinking and idealizing someone?,” I’d say yes, from my 20/20 hindsight vision. It’s a harsh truth, but if you two are really meant to be together, make it work sooner than later. You’re only 25, and he’s already 33.

      1. LDR*

        I want to really thank everyone for their advice and for sharing their point of view/experiences. I feel like it has helped me to figure out my feelings better and to see things better, even if on the back of my mind i alreasy knew some of these things…. Really thanks to everyone for taking the time !! I took something positive out of each reply (and really laughed with the all you nees is love response haha… it’s very tru)

  77. Sooooo anon for this*

    So last week I posted about my conflicted feelings on buying my first vibrator. Thanks to all who responded. You made me feel much better about it.

    In the immortal words of George Takei — ohhhhh myyyyyy.

    I deliberately avoided a realistic facsimile. That seemed too much like a substitution, which was part of my hang-up. This one is a very pretty light purple (my favorite color) with a flower-shaped control. I had a small, lightly padded cosmetic case I wasn’t using for anything else into which it fits perfectly, with room for a small bottle of lube. Obviously this was meant to be. ;)

    I feel so sophisticated now. Bring on a sexy, open-minded partner, please. :)

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Hey! Go you :)

      And I feel that George Takei would be pleased to have his voice used in this manner!

    3. Ktelzbeth*

      I read but didn’t respond last week, but would have offered encouragement, so I’m glad to see you are feeling sophisticated! There are partners out there, but you can be in charge of you until that time, if or when.

  78. Tara R.*

    I asked for advice on one of the work-related open threads about how to cope with work when you have debilitating period symptoms. A couple people suggested trying hormonal BC, and I took your advice! The first period I had since going on it, I still had some moderate pain but I was able to make it through work without crying in the bathroom from pain, so that was a vast improvement. I did have way more intense mood swings, which caught me really off guard, but I’ll definitely take that over the awful cramps any day.

    Thanks for the encouragement to go talk to a doctor!

      1. WellRed*

        Oh, I hope this doesn’t sound critical of you Tara. I just wish these issues were taken more seriously.

        1. Thlayli*

          I knew what you meant and hopefully Tara did too. It’s one of my personal bugbears that people often present extreme period pain as normal. Yes some women are very unlucky and have extreme period pain that cannot be treated, but for most it can be treated and for some it’s a symptom of a medical condition.

          The belief that awful period pain is normal is responsible for the fact that roughly 90% of endometriosis goes undiagnosed.

          Tara I’m really glad you have got relief.

    2. misspiggy*

      Totally been where you are. Did you know there is no health difference between pills designed to eliminate periods and those which don’t? I take desogestrel, a Progesterone pill which still works perfectly even if you don’t take it at the same time each day. No periods for years, woo hoo! (Some people get a little bleeding.)

      It’s also less risky for thrombosis and I find has much less of a mood effect than Orstrogen pills. Cerazette has been the best brand for me, but it also comes as Cerelle and no doubt other names.

  79. Casca*

    I think it’d be helpful if each post not only listed number of comments, but also number of threads (e.g. 1000 comments in 100 threads is very different to 1000 comments in 5 threads)
    Thought this while reading the memo post

  80. Nervous Accountant*

    Joined a few Diabetes support groups on FB. There’s one that I was interested in, their focus is on fasting and the keto diet and follow principles set by Dr. Fung. I was interested in the group but then someone wrote how she wants to tell overweight people that “you need to skip a meal or two” and others chimed in calling overweight people fatties and how much carbon effect they must have when flying…..basically a lot of fat shaming which was pretty disgusting IMO. I and others called htem out so now I’m blocked from commenting for a few weeks.

    Kind of sad that even within support groups, cant escape fat shaming and bullying.

    Not very successful this week in terms of health or diet or exercise. No gym, lost momentum later part of the week and had a bagel every day (amongst other crap). Just felt like crap for not going to the gym or any exercise. #s were OK but a little higher than I’m comfortable with. Been drinking a shitton of water (errr more like 2.5 20 oz water bottles a day) and was supposed to get my A1c test yesterday but chickened out.

    Getting back on the horse starting tomorrow. Sigh.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I’m in Type 2 support, I like it a lot so far. I’ve learned things, and they’re mostly a nice bunch.

        I’m still in the other group, b/c eventually I want to try what they’re talking about (intermittent fasting/extended fasting) so I want to learn as much as I can. I just hope if I ever do end up in good health, I won’t be a sanctimonious asshole like some people are.

  81. WellRed*

    I feel like groups devoted to a certain life style tend to be more critical. Hang in there, most of the members probably are like you.

    1. Nervous Accountant*

      Maybe, these groups are like in the 10-20k range, so a lot of people lol…I am happy that there were more comments calling out the OP & the guy calling us fatties than agreeing with them, but you know how it is…..1-2 nasty comments outweigh 20 good comments

  82. SparklingStars*

    In 18 days I’m leaving for a 2 week trip to Italy! I’m both very excited and nervous/stressed out as this will be my first experience in traveling abroad alone. I’ll be with a group tour for most of the trip, but I’m arriving a few days before the tour starts because I wanted to see a few things on my own.

    I’ll be staying in Sorrento for the first few days, and I plan to visit both Pompeii and Mount Vesuvius while I’m there. Then I’ll meet up with the rest of the tour group in Amalfi. The tour goes through several cities and towns in southern Italy (Trani, Matera, Alberobello, Ostuni, Lecce and Bari) , but we’ll have some free time to ourselves, so I’d love any suggestions for cool places to check out! Also any practical advice for my time alone in Sorrento would be great – I think I’ll be just fine, but like I said I am a bit nervous about doing this completely on my own!

    1. AcademiaNut*

      I actually really recommend Herculaneum – I enjoyed that much more than the Pompeii site. We did a van trip up Vesuvius in the morning and Herculaneum in the afternoon. It’s a much smaller site than Pompeii, but is more complete and intact, and feels much more intimate, and also had a fantastic audio guide. In Naples, there’s a museum that has all the stuff they took out of Pompeii which is really good. Keep an eye out for the exhibit tucked in the back which has all the erotic art – that was pretty entertaining.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Get some good books – kindles, that book you’ve been meaning to read, and something you find in a bookstore there (google will tell you where to find English book stores – new and used). Then you can sit in fun coffeeshops and cafes and read your books. Use tripadvisor recommendations, but be willing to wander around (use google maps for finding your way back).

  83. Lynne879*

    I need some audiobook recommendations!

    I prefer listening to non-fiction books. I’m interested in history, self-help books, books on budgeting or anything you guys consider interesting. I’m open to anything!

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Seconding Mary Roach. I like her audiobooks better than the printed ones, and that’s rare for me.

        I’m headed to the library tomorrow to pick up audiobooks for my long drive next week.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      I will be watchimg this thread because those are also the kinds of audiobooks my boyfriend likes and our library mostly carries fiction.

      Some of his favorites —
      Gumption by Nick Offerman (aka Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec). Very funny especially if you like the character. He also reads it himself.

      A Little History of the World

      Astrophysics for People in a Hurry

      Right now he’s listening to a biograpy of Elon Musk, but I can’t remember the title or author.

      If I think of others I’ll comment again!

    3. HannahS*

      Ooh, I’m just starting to get into audio books. I’m committing to Lord of the Rings for now, which should see me through the end of 2020 lol. But I bet Bill Bryson’s stuff would be great as an audiobook, especially something like At Home.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Sarah Vowell reading any of her own books.

      Carrie Fisher reading any of her own books.

    5. Lady Jay*

      I love audiobooks on long drives. Here’s some I’ve enjoyed.

      Scott Jurek’s North, about his attempt to set an FKT (fastest known time) running the Appalachian Trail

      Sy Montgomery’s The Soul of an Octopus, about her experiences with octopuses at the local (big, I think Boston?) aquarium and in the ocean, and more broadly, about octopuses as a creature

      Erik Larsen’s Dead Wake, about the Lusitania

      Jessica Bruder’s Nomandland, about the rise of people, usually elderly, living in their vehicles and taking one seasonal job after another to get by. Bruder is a great writer focusing on interesting people, so it’s not as depressing as it sounds.

      Missoula, by Jon Krakauer. Anything Krakauer writes is excellent; this one is about rape culture at universities – in this case, the U of Montana; the book clarifies how frequently rape occurs, how it is handled by local police and university officials, and how its victims recover. Hard but good.

      Rabid, by Bill Wasik. Yes, it’s actually about rabies. It’s a history of the disease. It was interesting throughout, but I loved hearing about the development of the vaccine and one of the few instances of somebody surviving the disease, after symptoms appeared.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Another fan of Mary Roach and Sarah Vowell here!

      Another of my non-fiction favorites: Bill Bryson, from A Short History of Nearly Everything (the unabridged version is narrated by Simon Vance, aka Richard Matthews), touching on as many different sciences as he can squeeze between the covers, to In a Sunburned Country, about his trips through Australia, and One Summer: America 1927, about – er, what the title says! He narrates most of his own work, and I think he does a fine job with it.

    7. SpellingBee*

      Carol Burnett’s book In Such Good Company is wonderful! She read it herself and it has a bunch of bits recorded by other people who were involved with the show. Hilarious. Seconding Bill Bryson too, we recently listened to A Walk in the Woods (about hiking th Appalachian Trail) while on a long car trip. I don’t know if it’s been made into an audiobook, but I just finished reading How to Be a Tudor, based on a recommendation here, and found it fascinating.

    8. tangerineRose*

      If you liked The Princess Bride, you might want to listen to “As you wish” by Cary Elwes to get a behind the scenes view of the movie. Very fun book, and he reads it himself (with excerpts from other people from the movie).

  84. Sparkly Librarian*

    I ran a children’s clothing swap today, and took home a few of the leftovers (most will be donated to a local rec center that collects for refugees). Due to similar caching over the past 3 years or so, I am fully supplied with baby clothes through 18 months… and, okay, today I branched into toddler sizes. Still no baby. I think this is the only thing I can control about the adoption process, so I’m indulging myself. It’s free, after all, and I’ve not exceeded our storage space. But I am conscious of my own ridiculousness.

    3. Thlayli*

      Good luck with adopting. I hope you get your baby soon. It’s so sad that it costs so much and takes so long.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Not ridiculous. You are planning and preparing for something that you want, while acknowledging that you may not get what you want. I would call this realistic dreaming. You haven’t exceeded your storage space, so you are not overdoing it. I hope a baby comes into your life. Best wishes.

  85. KR*

    I am so disappointed. Last day visiting home across the country and I was supposed to see my father all day. It rained and we went out to eat and hung out a little but the fatigue started to get to me. Rainy days typically give me migraines and fatigue – pain meds took care of the migraine pain but not the fatigue and after going out to eat I had to go home and sleep. Father is an hour from where we’re staying so it’s not like I can pop over and see him now that I slept off the migraine. I only got a couple hours with him and its not fair because we spent DAYS with husband’s family one on one. Lessons learned next year we will spend much less time with husband’s family and more time with mine but I am so frustrated that I didn’t get to see some people I wanted to see and the rain just took me out for the day I was the most excited about. I just want to see my dad and now I can’t until I can afford to fly him out to see me.

      1. KR*

        Thank you. I was really upset about it when I wrote this but my husband said we should make plans for him to come visit us ASAP so that made me feel better.

  86. Aurora Leigh*

    What are your favorite campfire foods?

    Boyfriend just got approved to take next weekend off, so we’re planning to go to one of our favorite campgrounds and spend a couple days on the river.

    Hot dogs and smores are always good, but I’m always looking for new ideas to mix it up a little! Especially would like to use my pie irons more often.

    1. Free Meerkats*

      I like making and freezing blintzes ahead of time. I make them large (cocampers call them “Goodyear Blintzes.”) Since they’re frozen, they help keep everything else cold. Fry in butter in a cast iron pan until browned on each side and serve with fruit compote.

    2. B&B*

      My fave campfire food on a pie iron is an English muffin ‘pizza’. You’ll need English muffins, pizza sauce, mozza cheese, pepperoni and any other yummy pizza toppings, like black olives. Build your ‘pizza’ on one half of the English muffin, top it with the other half, place in a greased pie iron, and cook it over your fire for about 5 minutes! (I would attach a photo of my recent one, but I don’t know how to do it).

    3. StudentAffairsProfessional*

      We like to make breakfast wraps – tortilla, peanut butter, banana, sprinkle of cinnamon, drizzle of honey. Husband like to keep the banana whole and I like to slice it up. You could do other “toppings” like coconut, chopped nuts, nutella, mini chocolate chips. It’s something you can make at home and throw in a cooler/bag before you head out! I think they are pretty divine if you wrap it up burrito-style and then griddle it til golden brown, but pretty good just plain too.

      One time we did cinnamon rolls in orange halves (scoop the orange pulp/sections out and keep the “shell”, put one of those refrigerated cinnamon rolls in one half, wrap in foil, heat in a fire that’s gone to coals) and it worked really well!!

  87. LGC*

    So, a little bit of a spin on a letter from this week: the “coworkers talk to me like a child” letter! It’s funny because I’m actually dealing with the same thing right now outside of work.

    I actually commented late to that letter, but one thing I kind of danced around was that I’ve noticed I usually get talked down to more often when it looks like I don’t know what I’m doing, and that seems to be one of the strongest predictors. (The other is age difference. And I’m guilty of this myself, I’ll admit!) This is all to say…so, when I first started running with the group I’ve been training with (so…last year?), I kind of struggled a bit. I’d fall back, get lost sometimes (there was one instance where I made a wrong turn, and didn’t get back until an hour and a half after everyone else), and I was learning almost everything new. (It doesn’t help that I’m not the most mature person to begin with!) I’ve managed to get myself much more together now, but I still get the child talk on occasion.

    It looks like a lot of the advice on that post was to tell LW to be direct about it. Which I think kind of works in a work environment (where you have to put your feelings aside to some degree), but it’s more awkward in a social situation. My gut reaction – because for someone with ASD, I’m really snarky sometimes – is to say, “Look, despite all the evidence to the contrary, dude, I’m actually an adult – you can chill and speak to me like one!” (Which is the truth.) But also, that would be totally jerkish, even if I deliver it with a joking tone.

    For now, I’ve just been trying to be…”extra competent,” so really on top of everything for the most part. But it’s pretty exhausting at times, and getting rid of first impressions is really difficult. (And also, I’m not that great at talking in general.) And I guess it’s the classic advice column dilemma – how to fix an awkward social situation without hurting anyone’s feelings (and usually the answer is: you often can’t).

    1. Thlayli*

      FWIW I don’t think your first script is rude at all. I think it would be fine to say it, especially in a joking tone. But I come from a culture where making joking insults and self-deprecating jokes is really common, so ymmv.

      1. LGC*

        Maybe “rude” or “jerkish” isn’t the correct term – it’s more…it feels disrespectful, I guess? A lot of that is on me, though.

          1. LGC*

            So, I actually had to think about my initial reaction to you (which was basically “YOU’RE WRONG” until I stepped away from my computer), and I think I figured out why I felt like my usual wording wouldn’t work – the specific case I’ve been thinking about is more of a mentor relationship, and you wouldn’t necessarily tell your mentor off! (That was…pretty relevant information that I should have mentioned sooner.)

            And I get the concept of “return awkward to sender,” but it’s harder to do with somewhat close friends.

            1. fposte*

              For a situation like your running group, it also happens that people in groups fall into roles, and those roles can be tough to shift. But I also think it’s easier to address the phenomenon that way: “I know I got lost when I was new, but it seems like the group is stuck on the notion that I’m less capable, even though I’ve kept up with everybody just fine once I learned the ropes. Can you give me a hand in remapping that out-of-date approach? It’s no fun to be treated as the baby.”

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You might find it helpful to go situation by situation or person by person.

      For example, if a person is usually okay in their tone with you but has a one-off interaction, take a look at what the interaction was about. Let’s say you said, “I think I hurt my ankle.” I might ask you later how your ankle is or similar type of concern thing. Condescension would be so far from my thinking, yet, it is possible that someone could read me as condescending.

      OTH, some people just treat everyone in a motherly (smotherly?) fashion. So it’s good to check to see if others are being treated as you are.

      People who enjoy put downs are in a totally different league. People who have a steady supply of snark, kind of deserve whatever they receive in return. “Yes, I got lost that one time. Perhaps if everyone was given written directions, newbies would not get off course.” Here you dish it right back with a practical solution. You don’t look like a jerk, you look like a thinking person.

      Joining a new group is tough. Look for the friendlies, these are the welcoming people. There’s usually one maybe more friendlies. Be sure to be conversational with these folks, they will help you blend into the group.

      Last, I have always found exercise to be 35% physical. The remaining 65% is what goes on in my mind. My brain is good at telling me “Tomorrow. Exercise tomorrow.” Or “Everyone is staring at me” and other lies. Factor in extra time to work on these thoughts that run through your head- just as you are doing now with the condescension aspect of this story. Consider it part of the exercise itself. It’s always interested me how things are interwoven and in the process of trying to do one thing we have to work on several other seemingly unrelated things in order to get ourselves through that one thing.

      So far what I see here is that you are tough, you have mental endurance. I know this because you are saying that you keep trying, even though you have hit some bumps. And you want to continue trying. This is a crock-pot solution, not a microwave solution. Eventually the group will see and respect your willingness to keep working at everything. Not really a great answer because it’s not immediate relief.

    3. Mimmy*

      I can absolutely relate. I’m not the most mature person either and I tend to come across as needy. I’ve always been this way, though, especially growing up, because of my disability. I’ve yearned to been seen as competent and to have adult conversations with my family. I’d love nothing more than to be able to say, “You do realize that I can discuss things beyond a simple summary of how ‘things are going’, right? I may not be able to express my ideas clearly, but if you give me a chance, you just might enjoy having a meaningful conversation with me”. Thank goodness for my oldest sister and my husband, who do interact with me like an adult.

  88. Bee's Knees*

    In a change from tales from a small town newsroom, here’s tales from a small town nursery.

    First, a little background. I go to one of the largest churches in our small southern town. The kids in the nursery are aged birth to about three. Once they’re potty trained, they go downstairs to children’s church. On any given Sunday, we have anywhere from three to ten kids in the nursery.

    Pink shirt and purple shirt are twins. They are almost two and adorable. They are the last ones in the nursery, and I am waiting on someone to come and get them. They start babbling to one another. Pink shirt starts saying, “No. No! No.” Like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. She then looks at me and says “poop.” I figured she needed a new diaper. Nope. Her sister did.

    One day, I turned around to see Baby K sitting on top of Baby T. She is almost three, and he is almost two. She weighs easily twice as much as him. He is grunting, and doing that superman workout move, trying to get up. I get her up, he’s fine. We have a talk about how you don’t sit on your friends. About a half an hour later, he gets within a foot of her and NAILS her in the head with a plastic car. We have a talk about how you don’t hit your friends. Baby T might forgive, but he does not forget.

    Baby K (Same as above) is a drama queen. She fake cries when something doesn’t go her way, and has more than her fair share of sass. She gets put in the corner the most. One Sunday that I was thankfully not in the nursery, she goes missing after church. They know she didn’t leave the building, but they don’t know where she is. They find her in one of the bathrooms with the door locked. Not the stall, but the door itself. She refuses to come out. They have to take the door off the hinges to get her out. Her parents take her home, and she expresses her displeasure at the whole situation by climbing up on her mother’s dresser, opening one of the drawers, and peeing in it.

    I asked one of the babies in the nursery if she knew what my name was, when we were getting her to identify people. She nodded, and said the version that small children say when they can’t pronounce my name. She also gave me a fantastic sounds fake but ok look when she did, because it’s also what her parents call her. She’s only two, but ooh, the side eye.

    My coworker in the nursery is the same every time. She has two children, aged three and four. They run in, and despite me being their choir teacher and knowing both of them since birth, they cannot remember my name. It is not a hard name to pronounce or remember. I asked M, three, if she knew, and she says yes. And nothing else. S, four, says he knows what it is. I asked him, and he very confidently replied that it was Medusa. That is not my name, or even close. I wasn’t sure where he heard that name, cause it’s not very likely to get used on a children’s show. I mean, I can make it work, but I was really curious to find out where he got it from. Monster trucks.

    Lastly, an oldie but a goodie. In high school, I helped coach the kindergarten cheer team at church. One day, they were talking about how Magic School Bus was on. I made an offhand comment about how that was on when I was little, and A (then 6) asked me, completely seriously, if it was on when God was little. I sputtered, and asked how old they thought I was. (One of my favorite questions to ask little kids.) They settled on forty. I was seventeen.

    3. Thursday Next*

      So funny! I love asking little kids age questions. They think their parents are 12, or knew George Washington.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      when God was little….

      oh my. Cute. I can remember being very confused about people’s ages. I understood that Nana was older than my parents. But after that the wheels fell off. A cousin in high school looked like she had to world by the tail, she had it all going on. Took me years to understand why that was the farthest thing from the truth. But I blended everyone together pretty much on the basis of height, if you were tall, then you were an adult like all other adults. She was tall (grown up) so she was an adult in my mind.

      Some people never learn to guess age. I remember an 80 something year old family member saying to me, “That older gentleman over there…” The older gentleman was about 89-90 years old.

      1. blackcat*

        There is a 15 year age gap between myself and my youngest cousin. When she was small, I was decidedly a grown up to her.
        She is now 17. I asked her how she felt about being called a grown up. She was like “What? No, I’m still a kid.” And then I pointed out that she called me a grown up when I was her age. She shuddered. I further pointed out that people often assumed she was my daughter when I was caring for her. She looked like she was going to puke.
        Yeah, kid, that’s how I felt when I was 16 and people thought I had a toddler.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Welcome to my life. My mom had kids when I was 14 and 16 and everyone always thought they were mine, especially the one who is 16 years younger than me because we look a lot alike.

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            My little brother is 14 years younger than me and people used to lecture me in the grocery store (in front of my mom!) about how didn’t I wish I’d thought about how much work having a kid would be . . . so embarrassing!

            Obviously, I should have prevented my parents from procreating again. We also look a lot alike (this can happen when you have the same parents!) so that made it worse.

            Some many dirty looks from strangers, too. Because of that, I always make a point to smile at teens with babies whenever I encounter them.

            1. Ron McDon*

              My best friend had a child when her eldest daughter was 15 – baby was mixed race, whilst elder daughter was white.

              Elder daughter used to get really annoyed by all the judgemental comments and disapproving looks she’d get when she was babysitting. I was really shocked, I didn’t think people would be so rude, but complete strangers would make comments either directly to her or in a very loud whisper designed so she could hear.

          2. Observer*

            Well, that’s the good part of living in a place with a high Orthodox Jewish population, I guess. Big sib taking care of little sib it just so normal that no one makes that kind of stupid assumption.

  89. Bee's Knees*

    My brother got engaged recently. This is a Good Thing. Yay. I saw my grandmother today st a party for the first time since it happened.
    She asked how I am. Good.
    She asked how work is. Also good.
    She asked when I am getting married. Sigh. In front of several people, she asks.
    Straight to the point, huh. Alright then. We hadn’t been there five minutes.
    One day, just to see the look on her face, I will tell her never. Or last week, I wondered why she was not there.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Grandmothers.

      I hadn’t seen my grandmother in about 12 years when I bumped into her in my local town years ago (she and my dad don’t talk because she’s an emotionally abusive, horrible human being) and the first two things she asked me:

      1. Oh, have you lost weight? (No, the last time you saw me I was ten. I have not lost weight.)
      2. Are you married yet? (No. I’m 22 ffs)

      Just tell her you’re never marrying. Or you’re in a committed relationship with yourself.

    3. GoryDetails*

      “Oh, don’t let’s talk about me, Grandma – how about you? Do you have any new tattoos?”

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Tell her that you are waiting for her to remarry so you can have a double wedding together.

    6. Thursday Next*

      It’s as if she needs to reel off the list of questions so she makes sure she covers that ground. Maybe you could see it as an amusing quirk, and respond accordingly?

      Bees Knees: ::consults calendar with mock solemnity:: I don’t see anything on my schedule.

      I have been on the receiving end of some jaw-dropping questions/statements (“Are you still with that white guy?” “Wow, you need to reduce [lose weight].” “You can switch from the Ph.D. in English to something better, like law.”) and they are SO MUCH about the asker/stater. Believe me, other people within earshot are cringing too.

  90. Kali*

    It’s my birthday! I’m 30 today!

    Completely no contact with family, and surrounded by 20-year-olds (mature uni student) so prepared to feel mopey…but a friend from my hometown looked me up and we spent all of yesterday driving around the peak district in his new mercedes wtih the top down, with occasional stops for walks, snacks, and afternoon tea.

    2. Perpetua*

      Happy 30th birthday from a fellow recently 30-year-old Leo! :)

      That sounds like a lovely day, and I hope the loveliness continues!

  91. cat socks*

    My male cat has had issues with peeing outside the box. The urinalysis showed he had bacteria in his urine so he was prescribed an antibiotic. He’s been doing well once he started the medication. He will follow me when I’m cleaning the litter boxes and will pee in the box while I’m there. I give him a treat afterwards for positive reinforcement.

    I have two other cats – girls – and multiple litter boxes. I also use the Cat Attract litter.

    I’m going to make another appointment for him, but this time at the large veterinary hospital associated with the university in my town. I’ve taken my other cats there and I feel like they will be able to do a more comprehensive diagnosis than my local vet.

    When he’s peed outside the box, it’s been on a bathroom rug. I’ve sprayed it with enzyme cleaner and washed it. I’ve also tried spraying it with Feliway.

    My husband thinks that I should show the cat the rug and tell him “bad”. I don’t think this is a good idea. All it will do is make the cat scared and confused. And it obviously won’t help if there is a medical problem

    I feel like it will be more tricky to solve if it’s behavioral.

    I’ve had cats with various health issues and I have no problem going to the vet and trying to figure out what’s wrong.

    Honestly the more difficult part is my husband. This morning he said that since I’m dealing with this, I need to come up with a solution. It’s frustrating enough dealing with the peeing issue, but it feels harder when I’m doing all by myself without his support. I just don’t feel like he has my back. This is definitely part of a larger problem in our marriage, but I just needed to vent for a moment.

    1. KR*

      My cat used to do this and it wasn’t so much a litterbox issue as it was a rug issue. I heard somewhere that certain rug glues are attractive to cats. I got a new rug and she stopped. I think she also got more accustomed to the place we were too.

    2. BRR*

      I only know about dogs so I’m not sure how applicable this is but taking a dog to the spot they had an accident and saying “bad” is 0% effective at correcting the behavior. They have no way of knowing what you’re talking about.

      1. Green Kangaroo*

        Yes, exactly. So many people tell me that their dog “knows” they did something wrong. Uh, no, your dog sees your mad face and body language and is reacting to that.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Jackson Galaxy (cat expert, especially about unwanted kitty behavior) says that scolding cats can make the problem worse. They don’t know why you’re scolding them, and if they’re scolded anywhere near the litterbox area, they may decide that’s a bad area to use.

    3. Thlayli*

      When humans have UTIs or kidney infections we find it hard to control our bladders too. You actually know for a fact that the cat has an illness so I think it’s kind of harsh to punish him.

      However if he is repeatedly peeing there and nowhere else (not clear if it’s just the once or repeatedly) then that does indicate it’s something more than just the UTI causing it.

    5. cat socks*

      Thanks for all the feedback! I discovered the pee around 7 this morning. Later I was in the laundry room where the litter boxes are and he walked right in and used the box! I’m not sure what’s going on. I may try a different rug in the bathroom or maybe even putting a small litter box in there. Either way, I will take him to the vet to rule out any physical issues.

  92. Epsilon Delta*

    Any suggestions for software or websites that will let you create a giant, detailed family tree that can be printed (on giant paper or across multiple pages). I’m looking to put parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, (and farther back) and cousins, aunts/uncles, third cousins, etc — basically as much detail as possible. I have found a few sites that let you build a family tree that traces your ancestry, but doesn’t let you add (or makes it difficult to see/trace) relatives who are not direct ancestors. And I haven’t found anything that will export to a pdf or print format.

    Something like Visio would be perfect, if it was not so expensive!

    3. Ron McDon*

      Might be too low tech / not what you’re after, but a friend of mine did hers on an excel spreadsheet – it has all the boxes aligned, you can add comments to provide extra info where needed, and it can be printed as large/small as required.

  93. Clever Name*

    For the record, I’m really enjoying reading about other’s experiences with online dating. It makes me feel less alone. I just have to vent about something. A couple of months ago I very briefly dated a guy for about a month. It was more of a fling than anything else. He was crazy intense in the beginning (before I slept with him), but after that wasn’t very consistent in his communication. He’d say he’d call or text and then wouldn’t. Cancelled a date an hour before it was supposed to happen. Looking back on it, it’s pretty obvious he was an asshole, but hey, I was caught up in the haze of hormones plus a healthy dose of rebound after divorcing my husband of 17 years. So the last time I saw him I asked if we were exclusive, and he says yes with no hesitation. He calls me that night. All good. The next day I text him I’m heading out of town with my son (which he knew). No response from him. Not even an “okay have fun” which I would have been happy with. I text him when I’m back in town. Nothing. Call him a few hours later, and he sends my call to voicemail. By this time I’m pretty pissed, so I send him a “what’s going on” text. Unsurprisingly no response. A day or so after that I leave him a voicemail telling him we’re not dating anymore, mostly for my own peace of mind. I expected to never hear from him again.

    Fast forward a few months, and I get an “I’m sorry” text from a number I don’t recognize (I completely deleted him from my life). A few minutes later I get a Facebook messenger message from him that was simply the monkey covering it’s eyes emoji. I respond with “wtf”. He’s all, “I’m sorry. I wanted to apologize for ghosting you and hurting you”. I’m still incredulous. I mean, I wasn’t really mad at him before because I just figured that he couldn’t handle being in a relationship or wasn’t ready to be in one or whatever (he had a sob story about his ex wife cheating in him), but popping up months later and admitting he ghosted makes me realize what a jerk he is. I basically told him that I didn’t need any apology from him because I wasn’t hurt all that much because I realized he wasn’t worth it and I also realized that he was doing his best but his best wasn’t good enough for me. He said boodbye and I didn’t respond (and I’ve blocked him on my phone and social media).

    Hearing from him after so long seriously pisses me off. I’m sure he was thinking he could rekindle things for a booty call. No thanks. Unluckily for him, I got his messages as I was on my way home from a date with my new boyfriend, so that makes me extra uninterested. Has anyone else had someone who ghosted on them pop back up? So weird.

    1. Anon777*

      Yup. Stay far far away. I made the mistake of giving the person another chance. He is an asshole.

    2. the gold digger*

      Yes. This really intense guy I met at an alumni event. Took me to meet his parents. Told me he could see a future for us. Called me every day and we talked for hours.

      Disappeared as soon as we slept together.

      Nine months later, he calls to tell me he’s moved and has a new phone number. I tell him if he wants to be in touch, he can call me.

      Which he did not do again.

      I learned later he had been dating the woman he married the entire time he was messing with me.

      I saw him at a class reunion a few years ago. He has not aged well. :) :) :)

    3. Thlayli*

      I met a guy on a plane once and we went on a couple dates when he was in the city I was living in, then I went to visit him in his country and spent half a week in his home. We had a pretty good time but not amazing – we probably wouldn’t have been compatible long term but it was an ok week. After I came home I emailed, called and left 2 text messages and nothing. Thought he was a dick and moved on.

      A few months later he texted saying he was coming back to my city and was I up for meeting up. I replied saying “after I visited you you ignored an email a call and two texts. I know my self esteem is low but it’s not that low”

      Never heard from him again but I’m glad I got the last word in :)

      1. fposte*

        I have found a bat in an upstairs toilet myself. By almost sitting on it.

        Apparently they try to land on the seat and slide off into the water. We used a fishing net for removal.

        1. Thursday Next*

          We started keeping the toilet lid down after our kitten fell in, years ago. It just became a habit.

      2. the gold digger*

        We don’t know! And I am shocked that Primo did not go straight to his #1 Rule of Problem Solving, which is Assigning Blame. :)

        Our windows have screens, but we must have a hole somewhere. But even if we do, it is illegal to block bat entrances from May to August in our state.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I don’t think that law means you have to put up with them in your living quarters.
          You may be able to spot a hole in a closet or corner some where and seal that. They could be residing in your walls or attic, you can seal that outer entrance once the babies have flight. (September-ish? Can’t remember.)

    2. Green Kangaroo*

      If you came into any contact with it whatsoever, even if you don’t *think* it bit you, you should get rabies shots. Not kidding. Bat bites are tiny and often painless, so it’s possible to be bitten and not even know it. It sounds like that bat was ill, which could very possibly be rabies, which is nothing to leave to chance.

      If anyone wants to read an incredible story about a girl who actually survived rabies, Google “Fond du Lac (Wisconsin) rabies survivor.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Funnily enough, this is the girl whose story is told in Rabid, which I recommended above. It’s a fascinating story. Seconding Green Kangaroo’s advice re. rabies treatments, though. The Wisconsin girl was very, very lucky; the treatment used on her (the Milwaukee protocol) does not consistently work.

        1. Green Kangaroo*

          It is an amazing story; I actually know her family in a friend-of-friends sort of way. They are very grateful for the excellent medical care she received and in no way discount or discredit that, but they are extremely faithful people and also give credit to the power of prayer for her survival. If one is so inclined, it’s a powerful message of faith.

      2. fposte*

        The public health recommendation is draconian but not quite that draconian–if you were awake and unimpaired the whole time you shared bat space, contact isn’t considered a risk, and you’d generally know if you were bitten. The recommendation is, however, that if you were asleep and woke up to find a bat on you or in your room, that the bat needs to be tested, and if the bat wasn’t tested, then it’s advised you go for post-exposure prophylaxis.

        That’s why I ended up with my shots. I didn’t think they were that bad; trying to get the actual vaccine serum was the hardest part, since places don’t just keep it lying around.

      3. the gold digger*

        I have had the series. :( I had them when I was five and never again want that! The bat was upstairs and we keep the upstairs closed off. Well, we try to. The cats are not supposed to go up there.

        I don’t think either of us touched it. We spent a long time arguing about how to get it out of the toilet and out of the house.

        We used garden tools to lift it out into a box, then covered the box. Primo took it to the wildlife rehab center a few hours later and – it was gone! So maybe it just needed some rest?

    3. Really*

      So how long have you been reading Singletary in the Post? I started reading a comment and realized it was you even before I saw the link.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m sorry, I’m sure it was a horrible experience, but this is one of the best sentences I have ever read.

      Also, if you haven’t seen the video of that Irish family trying to get the bat out of their kitchen, you should. It’s priceless. At least your bat was weak!

  95. Nervous Accountant*

    Any tips/advice on how to make sure a parent stays safe?

    Came home from running errands today and my mom was in the kitchen and told me about how she was on the stool reaching for something on a top shelf and the stool slipped and she fell. It took her all her strength to get up and she was scared that the counter/sink would fall on her too. :( :( :(

    I told her she should let me or my husband know if she needs something. We’d move everything to the bottom shelves but she’s short and would still need a stool to access. I don’t think she’ll be receptive to having a visiting nurse/helper. My husband works from home at flexible hours so he’s there during the week to help out with minor household things but she doesn’t really ask him.

    and I feel guilty AF for saying this but I know she will be telling people she fell. Everyone will automatically ask “Where was your daughter? Why wasn’t she there?” I know she doesn’t intend this but I know how people are.

    1. fposte*

      I would focus less on her asking people and more on changing the household so she doesn’t need to. Does she have one of those long grabber things? That might help, too.

    2. Nana*

      Contact the local Agency on Aging, immediately. They have lots of resources. Get her a wearable alert (which will only work if she wears it ALL the time…ask me how I know). Get rid of the step stool. [It’s not cheap, but it may be possible to have someone visit the house to check for possible dangers and suggest alternatives…kinda like ‘baby-proofing’ a place.

    3. Green Kangaroo*

      If people ask and are in any way judgmental, let them know they are free to care for her in their own home. You are entitled to your own life and time to yourself.

    4. Jemima Bond*

      I wouldn’t expend mental energy assuming that “everyone will automatically think” etc. They probably won’t. Elderly people do occasionally have a fall, which like for you may trigger changes in habits and lifestyle. I highly doubt everyone will certainly be judging you!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Rehab centers have very long lists of things to do to keep the elderly safe once they return home from rehab.
      Some might apply to your home and some might not.

      No throw rugs anywhere. Try to tape or staple down larger rugs or remove them.
      Night lights are a good thing, I like the ones with the photocell on them so they go off by themselves.
      Stairs are another big focus. Handrails should be usable and sturdy. There should be guard rails around any opening that looks like a person could fall. This includes porches.
      Main walkways through the house should be clear of clutter.
      You can consider handrails for the toilet and tub.

      I am probably younger than your mother, but for myself I make sure my smoke alarms are in working order. I have a cordless phone in the bathroom. Hey, never know, right? If you don’t have a landline perhaps mom would carry a phone with her as she goes about her day. I have also installed those safety railings I have been meaning to install.

      You can do all these things to keep them safe but if they choose to make UNsafe choices routinely that is a whole ‘nother problem. My husband was severely limited in his ability to move about. We never had a problem because he used good judgement and used caution at all times.

      If you google you will find articles about “aging in place” meaning growing old in your own home. There are lots of tips out there. A few years ago, I was looking at those lists while I redid parts of my house. I plan to keep my house as long as possible. If you plan on keeping your house forever, you may eventually conclude that these changes are not a waste of time as they may benefit you and your hubby also.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I’m looking at a lot of those. Right now I’m getting some electrical work done so that it’s easier for me to make safe choices rather than insist to myself I don’t need to turn on the light on the stairs. I intend to make use of infrastructure to save me from myself as much as possible.

    6. Observer*

      Don’t worry about what people will think. Most people understand that you can’t be with her every second. And those that don’t? Not worth the mental energy.

      In addition to one of those tracking gadgets with fall detection, you may want to look at some indoor smart cameras. Connect them with smart smoke detector, so if she set something on fire, you’ll get an alert and be able to figure out what’s going on / call the fire department if you need to.

      Call your local agency on aging, and find out what it would take to get an aid in the house for a few hours a day, and what other resources exist. Also, if there are any senior centers / adult day care type places you can take your mother to (assuming she agrees) for at least part of the day. It keeps her in a safe place and also provides some human interaction.

    7. Always science-ing*

      One thing that could help is to buy wire racks/shelves that fit in the cupboard that you can pull down to access. These are usually for top shelves but I’m sure they exist for bottom shelves too. IKEA used to make them (maybe still does) and I’m sure any place that sells kitchen cupboards has something similar as well. Another option if there is space in or near the kitchen is to add more lower storage – shelves, a pantry cupboard, a kitchen cart, etc. We installed a pantry cupboard next to the kitchen for my mother in law for a similar reason.

  96. Amey*

    Posting late but hoping there’s still a few people around as I could really use your wise words!

    How do you offer support to people you know who are going through rough times but who you don’t actually know that well? I’m acquainted with a couple mainly because their toddler has been in the same small daycare group as my toddler for nearly 3 years. We say hello in the mornings and chat more in depth a few times a year at birthday parties. I was pleased for them when they were expecting their second child and as we’d recently had ours, we had a few pleasant chats about this. I reached out to the mum when she started her maternity leave and we planned to meet up but hadn’t got around to it yet (we’re in a country with long parental leave.)

    A few weeks ago, I found out on social media (the mum and I happen to be in a the same large national Facebook group and she posted there) that their 6 month old baby has just been diagnosed with cancer. I feel absolutely awful for them and the similar ages of the kids and some of our shared experiences is making me feel particularly empathetic I think. I’m not friends with either of them on social media but I sent the mum a private message expressing my sympathy and support and I discovered that the dad is posting public updates on his personal Facebook page so I’ve been checking in there but not commenting.

    What do you think I can do to help? The dad has been vocal about them really appreciating people just reaching out and letting them know that they’re thinking of them – but is it weird to do that regularly when I barely know them? Should I comment or send a private message to the dad maybe to let him know I’m reading his updates and thinking of them? Is there anything else I can do? It feels presumptuous to send things like flowers and gifts and as someone with dietary restrictions I always feel particularly weird about sending food. But I want to do something more than one vague message and I’m aware that the initial flood of support often dries up so I’d like to be part of the second wave.

    It all feels kind of weird and awkward but I’ve become particularly aware lately that I often hold back in situations like this (including with people I’m much closer to) because I feel awkward. I’m a really empathetic and caring person and I feel other people’s tragedies quite deeply and want to do the right thing – which sometimes means I don’t end up doing anything at all! Which is really terrible and I want to change it. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t send a thank you text for a gift because I want to write the perfect personal thank you card and then I don’t get around to it and then they don’t get a thank you at all and I feel guilt about it forever.

    I would be so grateful for any advice you have!

    1. Nervous Accountant*

      I would reach out to them. You don’t have to be perfect, a lot of the time just being there is enough.

      Obv not at all the same situation but when my father passed, I really did appreciate the people who reached out, and even the ones who I didn’t normally speak to. I personally think you can’t go wrong with a simple “I’m thinking of you.” or asking how they’re doing, especially once the initial wave of support dies down. The fact that the father is posting it publicly shows that they’re not hiding this and most likely would not brush off messages of support.

      As for what to DO (sending flowers or food etc), I can’t say….something that I would like personally, may not be appreciated by others. there were things I would have appreciated but couldnt *force* others.

      1. Amey*

        Thanks, I think you’re right. I think I’ll reach out to the dad this time as I know him slightly better than the mum and he’s the one acting as spokesperson for the family really. He’s also, I think, in primary caregiver mode for their older child (the one at daycare with my son) as mum is in and out of hospital with the baby. I think I’m having to remind myself that I would only feel grateful for random people on the outskirts of my life reaching out to me in a situation like this – I’d feel worse if it felt like no one was acknowledging it than if they didn’t say absolutely the right thing.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      This is a completely horrible situation.

      What I recommend is that instead of asking someone if they need help, which puts the onus on them to think of something on the spot, you offer something that they can say yes/no to.

      For example, hey friend, I know that things are difficult for you at the moment so I’d love to help any way I can. I’m going to the grocery store/pharmacy/laundrette/gas station etc this afternoon. Would you like me to do your shopping/laundary/fill up your car etc?

      Offer them something tangible. It’s both helpful and it doesn’t put more burden onto their shoulders thinking of something or thinking that they’re taking advantage of you.

      1. Amey*

        Yes, this is exactly what I’ve wanted to avoid. I know when people have said ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do’, I’ve never asked for anything. But when it’s people I don’t know well, it’s hard to know what tangible support would actually be helpful. I think Nana’s suggestion below about playdates is a good one as that’s the area where I might be most useful.

    3. Nana*

      If it’s feasible, offer to take the toddler for several hours…Since s/he already knows your child, a ‘play date’ for them would mean time for the other parents to deal only with one child. If you can do it on a regular (weekly) basis, so much the better. If they can count on one person for a certain period…

      1. Amey*

        Thanks, I think this is the way to go as my connection with them is really through the older child. I had thought about offering to take her for a couple of hours but she doesn’t know me well and with a three and a one year old, I worry that my own home environment would be a bit hectic for her when she’s already having a difficult time. But I think I’ll suggest parent supervised playdates which would give her some distraction and also get her used to me. I also think the grandmother lives around the corner from me and may well be providing childcare so she might appreciate someone she already knows to play with sometimes when she’s there.

      2. Thursday Next*

        This is a great idea.

        Also, they may have set up on a site like Lotsa Helping Hands, where they can post their specific needs and people can sign up for things. I’m on one that’s mainly for meal delivery for the family, though sometimes there are calls for help with the other kids.

        From what I’ve seen with my friends who have had ill or hospitalized children, these are the biggest needs (meals and childcare), so offering those would probably be helpful.

      3. Max Kitty*

        Speaking as someone who just got back from helping with a family situation, taking the older child for a few hours here and there would be a spectacular thing to do.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Don’t send flowers. They are one more thing that people have to take care of and then they die and that is the last thing someone in this situation needs.

      Gift certificates to local restaurants that deliver or GrubHub or something are practical and you don’t have to worry about dietary restrictions plus they can be used when convenient for the family. I also like the idea of offering standing playdates.

      1. Amey*

        Yes! Flowers are so much maintenance and you have to do something with them as soon as you get them. They’ve asked for people to stop sending toys – I think they’ve had an outpouring of toys from people far and wide and they’re such a permanent thing.

        The gift certificate for food delivery idea is a good one, I’ll look into that.

    5. Thlayli*

      When a child is sick, Theres a lot of hospital visits and so on and care for the other children becomes a logistical nightmare. The best thing you could do to help them would be to offer to take their older kid for play dates. The dad had said they’re happy for people to reach out so you could literally just message the mum or dad and say “would it help you at all if I took [older toddler] for a few hours sometimes? They are getting old enough for play dates and [your own toddler] would love to have [their toddler] come visit.”

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Many, many people feel the way you do.

      I have seen people partner up. They get a person who is feels a similar desire to help out and they work as a team to help the family of the ill person. What is nice about having a friend do this with you is that you work off each other, fill in each other’s gaps. You run out of things to offer or to say, your friend picks up on something and you’re back on track again.
      You can also discuss the situation a little with each other and drum up ideas that would be meaningful to the specific setting of the family. This is the two brains are better than one idea.

      Please do keep in mind that the simplest stuff can be hugely meaningful. Perhaps you don’t know how to run a lawn mower but you know someone who would GLADLY mow their lawn if that person knew there was a need for that type of help. You can be that connector or bridge between people like this. In this example, you would ask the couple if they are okay with someone mowing for them. OTH, perhaps you could pay someone to mow and weed whack.

      Other things I have seen is a random bag of grocery staples suddenly appearing on a person’s door step. Paper towels, toilet paper that sort of thing. But maybe other things like hydrogen peroxide or bleach or other products if you happen to know they burn through a lot of that item.

      And I have seen some people open their mail box and find an envelope with a small amount of cash in it. No note, no explanation.

      Driving wears thin fast, perhaps they would like rides here or there. The nice thing about offering rides is the time in the car spent talking. It’s cumulative, you start to see patterns and you learn more about how you can help.

    7. Kuododi*

      I’ve seen really good ideas in this thread already. Personally, I’m not one to make magic in the kitchen. I’m more likely to show up on your doorstep prepared to do all your laundry, clean bathrooms, and the like. As others have suggested, offering to help with the older child would be a major stress relief. Make the offer, be prepared to accept “no” if that is the case and keep checking with them regularly even after the crisis has passed. Blessings to you and your precious friends will be in my heart.

  97. Be the Change*

    Hope someone sees this — does Apple still make the iPod shuffle? (The little thing that’s about an inch square?)

    I sure hope so. Mine is too old and keeps crashing, and I’d love to replace it with the same thing.

    1. Be the Change*

      Okay, boo, answered my own question — not really, no. Damn. I loved that little thing.

    2. fposte*

      No, sorry. iPod Touch is the only one of the Pods still in production. There are a few Shuffles floating around Amazon and probably eBay, though–you might look there.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Are you set on having the ipod brand one? There are tons of other makes of mp3 player out there that have shuffle. I have a SanDisk Sansa clip which I love because it’s small, cheap, has good battery life, takes an SD card, and I can install RockBox alternative firmware on it.

  98. Endometriosis and Confused*

    Looking for anyone who has previously posted about their experiences with endometriosis. When I was first diagnosed, due to other unrelated conditions, I was told my options were essentially one very specific drug or hysterectomy. But they did not recommend the latter due to my age at the time and higher risk of certain risks. Yes I’m being vague on purpose.

    Anyway, the drug has been great, but it’s very expensive. I also have zero intention of having children so I’d really like to go back to the hysterectomy. I don’t know quite how to broach this? I realize the answer is talk to your doctor, but I’m not sure how? I feel like it’d be weird to just walk in an say “I want this surgery, what needs to happen for it be approved by my insurance and how soon can I do it?” Because I’m not a doctor and this sort of feels like prescribing my own treatment. For those of you who’ve been through this and either considered or had surgery, how did you get there? Am I overthinking the whole thing?

    1. HannahS*

      It’s not weird at all! It’s very common for people to come to their doctor and say, ” Way back when, my doctor suggested XYX but I wasn’t up for it for reason ABC. But now, I’d like to reconsider. Is this treatment still recommended? Is it appropriate for me?” Etc. I’ve done it myself as a patient, with a medication that seemed too imtense initially, but eventually I became ready to try it.

    2. Thlayli*

      What Hannah said, it’s not weird at all. I’ve not had endometriosis but I’ve often worked with my doctor to agree on a plan or just straight up said “this is what I’d like to do, any reason you think that’s a bad idea?”

      Good luck!

    3. Observer*

      Not weird at all. This is affecting your life in a big way, and it’s legitimate to revisit decisions likethis.

      If you have not done so, though, I’d suggest going to an endo specialist that does a LOT of endometriosis excision. There are a number of doctors that do ablation, but from the little you’ve said, that sounds like it’s not really a good long term solution for you. However, excision which is less common and harder to do, tends to be very effective. It’s actually quite uncommon for it to recur when the surgery is done well. Less invasive and extreme than hysterectomy if you have a good doctor and you are a good candidate.

      The biggest potential block is that you may not have access to someone like that.

      In any case, DO talk to your doctor.

  99. Be the Change*

    Sorry for the multiple posts — since Apple has stopped making my favorite thing (and Clinique stopped making my favorite lipstick, why do companies do that?):

    I need a new mp3 player, a small one. All I want is to play music/podcasts while working out. I don’t want a camera, or video games, or Fun for the Whole Family. And I don’t really want to pay $$$$$$! (iPod Touch, looking at you…)

    Any suggestions?

    1. Cruciatus*

      So, I recently did go with the iPod Touch. I hated the price and hate its short battery life (at least compared to my old iPod that went, like, months before needing charging (I get about a week now)). However, there have been things I’ve unexpectedly come to enjoy–like having the ability to do apps. I recently downloaded the Hoopla app and I can just get things through my library subscription and download them straight to the Touch–like audio books (instead of downloading to the computer, then transferring it to the iPod). It has cut out the middle man a little bit (and I don’t use my phone for things like this). It wasn’t awful before, but this is just a bit nicer/easier. Besides the battery it’s been pretty great (though I also don’t need a camera or most of the rest of it). So not saying you have to go that way, but if you do, it does seem like a very nice product.

    2. Someone Else*

      Do you either not have a smartphone, or don’t want to have it on you when exercising? I ask because that’s pretty much what killed the small mp3 player: everyone’s got phones, almost always on their person, that can do the same thing and more. If you have such a device already, it might be worth considering just one of those armband type things to hold your phone and play music straight from there instead of replacing your shuffle. It’s certainly less expensive.
      If you are set on a new small mp3-only player, it looks like SanDisk makes some that are smallish and well reviewed. I’ve always had good experiences with their other products (SD cards, thumb drives) so I trust the reviews on that device although I haven’t used it personally.

      1. Nicole76*

        My husband has a very small SanDisk MP3 player that he loves. Very basic but easy to use and extremely light, not to mention inexpensive.

        1. Be the Change*

          Thank you both! I’ll try the SanDisk.

          Yes, I have a phone but I am always afraid of smashing it while working out. Also I tend to be low on storage space because the phone is old too, bless my stingy little heart.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            I posted above as well but that’s what I have. Mine is a Sansa clip and I love it. It’s small, has better battery life than my phone, physical buttons so I don’t have to look at a touch screen to change tracks, and it can be expanded with an SD card. Mine is a few years old but I think you can still get them easily.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I have an iPod Nano. Newest one is $150 – I don’t know if that’s too expensive for you – but that means you could get a deal on an older model.

  103. AnonToday*

    Okay, anyone out there experienced with pregnancy tiredness? People kept saying the second trimester would be better but I am at week 15 and still just so very very tired.

    Per my doctor one cup of coffee a day is fine so I am allowing that but once it wears off I am just beat.

    1. Amey*

      I’m not in the US and I think you have more tests routinely (assuming you’re there) than we do here (UK), but if you haven’t had blood tests done recently, I’d ask for some. In my second pregnancy, by about 15 weeks I was still absolutely exhausted and that didn’t feel right to me so I had a full raft of blood tests done and my B12 was very low. I had to have a loading set of injections (6 in two weeks) and then a top up every 3 months. Obviously blood tests will look for anemia as well, but I’d specifically ask about B12, I think, particularly as I think taking folic acid can sometimes slightly mask the results (but don’t quote me on that, I think it’s a bit more complex than that.) After that, my pregnancy was totally straightforward and baby and I were perfectly healthy.

      I was never full of energy at any point in either of my pregnancies, so don’t feel bad about that, but I think it’s really important to trust if it doesn’t feel like you think it should. I had pre-eclampsia (and some rare complications related to that) in my first pregnancy and there were delays in diagnosing these although I was sure something was wrong. In retrospect, I also think I may have had low B12 in that pregnancy as well which may have contributed to the pre-eclampsia. (All fine in the end though! Pregnancy horror stories are the worst when you’re pregnant…)

      Basically, all pregnancies are different! Tiredness in pregnancy is a given. But exhaustion in the early second trimester is worth checking out.

      Good luck!

    2. Thlayli*

      Try Iron tablets! When you make the placenta you make an additional 4 pints of blood to fill it. Unless you are eating a lot of red meat this totally saps your iron. Most pregnancy vitamins contain iron but it in a Hard to digest form – you can get dedicates iron tablets and drinks that work better. feroglobin is the brand I use – I think it’s a vitabiotics product.

      Also if your blood pressure is on the low side eat lots of salt (no really). I had low BP in my 3rd pregnancy to the extent of collapsing a couple of times and the doc told me to eat loads of salt. Definitely check with ur doc first tho coz if you have high BP too much salt would be disastrous

      1. Thlayli*

        Also the allowed 200mg of coffee can be in one cup of filter or machine coffee or two cups of instant coffee. A cup of instant has about half the caffeine of a cup of eg Starbucks.

        tea, chocolate and even decaf have Small amounts of caffeine in them too so if you have one cup of instant in the morning and a few cups of tea / decaf / bar of chocolate spread through the day that works better. You get a crash when you come down from caffeine so it’s best to spread out little amounts through the day than have one big serving in the morn. If you experiment a bit you might be able to time it so your caffeine crash hits at bedtime and helps you fall asleep. I achieve this with one caffeine in morn and one no later than 2pm. By time caffeine crash hits I’m finished work and getting tired.

    3. Lady Kelvin*

      I’m currently at week 13 and while my fatigue was way worse between weeks 6-10 (2 hour nap every day after work + 8-9 hours of sleep every night) I am still exhausted. My doc said it is pretty normal to be tired but definitely talk to your doc and make sure there isn’t anything physical wrong.

      1. Jenny F. Scientist*

        I agree with the talk to doc/ check for anemia etc. but if everything is okay, I totally felt like I’d been hit with a board through really a lot of my pregnancies (sometimes… the whole time… sorry).

    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      That was my first symptom – bone-crushing fatigue – and it lasted through my entire pregnancy. Sorry.

  104. StudentA*

    I’m thinking about switching from a paper, hard copy planner (or desk diary, whatever you want to call it) to an online one. I looked around at some online options, but didn’t see one I liked. Do you have any recommendations? Is the switch worth it?

      1. StudentA*

        Yeah, I know. It’s not really what I’m looking for. I’m really geeky about my planners LOL! I put in a lot of details and I want something super user-friendly but with cool features. Thanks :)

        1. Observer*

          Evernote.

          ToDoist

          They ave very different – Evrenote is a “do everything” note taker that can do scheduling. ToDoist is a task manager that integrates with with Google Calendar and some other services.

          Look at both of them. Even if neither suits you, they are both useful to helping you figure out what features you really would find useful, and the approach that would work for you.

    2. Penguin*

      Check out the podcast “Productivity Alchemy” (which you can find by adding DOT com to the name, or looking in iTunes’ library): there are 50 or so interviews with folks discussing how they stay productive. If you just want options, the episode descriptions are full of links to whatever was discussed that episode.

    3. Lady Alys*

      If you are interested in bullet journaling, look up Boho Berry on YouTube – she recently made a digital version of her various spreads which seems to be fairly popular (disclaimer – I have *not* used it).

  105. Nervous Accountant*

    Dear god I am so hungry and sleepy and I just want to GO HOME. Cannot believe I am spending my precious free time sitting in a room full of people and my mother counting every damn bite of food I eat.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        It’s Sunday night. I’m excited to go back to work tomorrow but I have so much to do. I mean I could have prevented this anxiety by not taking 4 hours to do groceries yesterday (2 stores, sitting to pass the thunderstorm, lunch, and just taking my damn sweet time). I could have NOT gone to the gym this morning and done the crap I needed to do.

        The family were seeing today— the girl is leaving for college next week. I am so happy and excited for her and also super jealous that she gets to move on and start a new life. I never got to do any of that and I’m stuck in this shit now.

        Ok brain time to shut up now.

        1. Thlayli*

          You really feel trapped at the moment I know. That’s tough. Hopefully you can get your moms house “senior-proofed” and that will be one less this to worry about. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed too well. But remember “this too shall pass”

          1. Nervous Accountant*

            Yes! It’s funny, I have the keys and the car and I can just leave or take an uber. I just feel so super awkward. Esp bc the host cooked and hadn’t served yet. I ate lunch and I ate the appetizers but my mom started counting what I ate so that turned me off of everything. Plus it’ll just be so rude to just leave.

    2. Nervous Accountant*

      I mean the people are nice. And I have nothing against them. I just have so much to do at home.

    3. Nervous Accountant*

      Finally had dinner and finally came home. Night ended on a good note but I’m still. Just. Frustrated. That’s all.

      Here’s to a better week.

  106. ThatAspie*

    I don’t know if this counts as non-work-related or not, since the post that the comment was on was a post about work, but I’m looking for a specific post with a specific comment on it on this site. The comment was something about there being a difference between a person just crossing a line and “rocketing past it in an alcohol-fueled” vehicle of some sort while “screaming” and “giving the finger” or something like that. The search bar is unfortunately not helping me here, and I just want to read that comment again in all its glory. So could someone please float me a link? That’d be great, thanks in advance!

    1. Here you go*

      Link in name, here’s an excerpt:

      “But when they not only cross the line but rocket past it on a alcohol-fueled drag car with an inappropriate license plate, while blaring vulgar music and flipping a double bird out the window– we just freeze, we have no frame of reference, we haven’t ever come up with an internal script for this!”

    2. Free Meerkats*

      In the future, use Google. Type in site:askamanager.org then your search term. Here I works have used “rocket past” and “alcohol fueled”. I just tested that and came up with the same one Here You Go linked.

  107. Just Friends*

    How do you make it clear that you just want to be friends with someone? I met this guy who is interested in many of the things I like and seems like he would be a great friend, but it seems he wants to be more than that. I have tried setting him up with a friend and have said things I’d only tell a friend (you remind me of my brother!), but it doesn’t seem like he’s gotten the hint. At the same time, I don’t want to flat out say “hey, I just want to be friends”, because I’d be embarrassed if I’m actually wrong and he only wants to be friends too.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      but it seems he wants to be more than that.
      but it doesn’t seem like he’s gotten the hint.
      I’d be embarrassed if I’m actually wrong and he only wants to be friends too.

      Can you give some examples of things he’s done that make you think he has romantic intentions?

    2. Triple Anon*

      Honestly, when someone’s not getting the hint, they probably won’t. Or things will just get weirder. That’s been my experience. If you tell someone, “I just want to be friends,” and they actually want more, they’ll either keep holding out hope or they’ll get defensive and weird. Or they’ll just fall out of contact. Having seen so much of that, I now end friendships when the other person and I seem to want different things out of it. Or I back away, stay in touch, and see if we can become friends later if / when things change. It sucks when you like the person and have stuff in common, but I’ve seen so many unhappy situations develop because of conflicting desires in friendships, I just don’t go there anymore. But that’s me. Maybe this will be different. You could try telling him he’s not your type. A lot of people understand that. But it can also lead to weirdness (being judgmental about who you’re attracted to). Sigh. I wish this stuff was easier.

  108. Triple Anon*

    I’m happy to report that things are going much better this week! Thank you to everyone who commented on my, “Oh no! Things are going badly!” posts and send words of encouragement. I negotiated with the mechanic and the landlord to pay for things late. The pup got to the vet and his ears are feeling better. Finances are on the mend! Hooray!

    So I keep working on being more positive – finding areas where I could have a more positive attitude, and working on that. It’s making a difference.

    1. Triple Anon*

      *sent not send. I’m posting from a phone with over-zealous autocorrect and no way to turn it off.

Comments are closed.