weekend free-for-all – October 6-7, 2018

by Alison Green on October 6, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: An Absolutely Remarkable Thing, by Hank Green. After alien life comes to earth, the woman who made first contact becomes famous overnight and discovers fame is as weird as aliens.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,194 comments }

{ 1,194 comments… read them below }

  1. Florence*

    I was just on the verge of sleep tonight and I could have sworn I heard my nephew calling my name from outside my bedroom window. He lives 30 miles away from me. So, I texted him to tell him I was thinking about him. At midnight.

    1. Rogue*

      About a month ago, I heard something similar. Don’t know who it was, but I was staying in my grandmother’s room, where she passed away.

    2. Book Lover*

      That is called a hypnagogic hallucination! Your brain is almost dreaming already just before you fall asleep. It is sweet you heard his name.

      1. Gaia*

        I actually get those fairly regularly. I’m awake, but dreaming. Weird weird dreams when that happens. For me, this was different. It felt so different.

      2. Calliope*

        My friend used to get those, she’d hear people talking far away in a language she couldn’t understand. It always sounded pretty creepy to me.

    3. Gaia*

      A few nights ago I was just about asleep and I hear, clear as day, my sister calling my name. It is a nickname only she uses for me. I messaged her at like midnight. It was freaky.

      1. Florence*

        Every so often, while I’m wide-awake, I hear people calling my name. It used to happen a lot more when I was much younger, like before my teens, but it has faded over time.

    4. anony anonymouse*

      After my Dad passed, I was napping and could have sworn I heard him calling out for something. I was half awake and wanted to scream, “Mom! Dad wants you.” Then I woke up and realized what was happening.

  2. Piper*

    Soooo…. mice. Or actually a mouse. The cute little brown ones. Which aren’t so cute when they’re not the pet kind, and are in your apartment.
    Wondering if I should warn the landlady or just wait to see it again first. The landlady is nice and has been efficient at solving problems. I’m not sure how concerned I should be. I don’t want to end up with a new house resident, or find out one mouse has become a dozen.

    More info
    Mr. Piper and I live in a medium sized city in a small rental on the 3rd floor with squeaky wooden floorboards, some of which have enough space between them (half an inch) to let a mouse through. There’s a foot-sized space under the floorboards that definitely has its own ecosystem (mostly big spiders) . Wasn’t a problem until mouse showed up. Mr. Piper caught a glimpse of something dashing away 1 month ago, but there was no mouse poop or other clues, then nothing until I saw it (or its sister) dash out of our pantry and vanish under the floorboards two days ago.
    We followed the trail of mice poop pellets to an open packet of semolina, cleaned and disinfected the pantry (which unfortunately is mostly at mouse level, we *could* set up wall cupboards), chucked out anything open, and are hoping it won’t show up again. The house is reasonably clean, as in I’d not be embarassed to invite my boss over as long as I had 30 min’s warning to move some of the clutter. There’s no food lying around, crumbs or such. Dishes are done every day.
    I’ve never been inside my neighbours’ apartments, so I don’t know if it’s a neighbour’s mouse kind of situation (no reason to suspect it, though). Common areas are reasonably clean, no trash issues. There are small gardens around, with free-range domestics cats, people growing their own vegetables etc. It’s not unusual to see those kinds of mice scurrying around the city at sundown. So I’m not astonished there are mice around. I just don’t want it in my apartment.

    So yeah, any experience with mice?

    1. misspiggy*

      Lots, living in London. Unfortunately you’ve got to send a strong message that the little fellows aren’t welcome, or you’ll get infested with them. One who finds interesting food and no danger will bring more. They get into cupboards and pee over everything, so you can’t leave any food unsealed outside your fridge. This is the main reason for me that they have to go – having to sanitise absolutely anywhere they might have been.

      Sealing stuff up is close to impossible in an older place, but making it very clear mice are unwelcome does work. There are many ways to do this. Humane traps are a lot of work, and you have to release the mice a seriously long way away. Traps are icky and you have to set them EVERYWHERE. Poison is effective after a while, but it usually has to be in peanut butter or something tempting. You do not want a nest of poisoned mice rotting in your walls (don’t ask me how I know), so if you choose poison, act really quickly while it’s just the one.

      Absolute nuclear option if it gets really bad is sticky tape along the floor where they run. Definitely works; is absolutely horrific. Another argument for dealing with the pilot mouse before he sets up his family for the winter.

      Good luck!

      1. Piper*

        Ugh. Thanks.

        Sealing stuff is impossible short of replacing the whole floor (and even then…it’s an old building). We might as well move out (planned soonish anyway).
        I’ve been googling things and ultrasounds come up a lot (and some stuff like eucalyptus scents, but I’m skeptical about that). Except my neighbour below me has a cat, which looks incompatible. I’ll see if they have had mouse sightings too…

        1. Cosette*

          Also to what MissPiggy said… put all your pantry food in glass if possible. I have had them chew on the heavy plastic containers although not get through them.

        2. a heather*

          We had a few mice in our house after we got down to one cat from three. :( We went with an electronic rat trap. It worked well.

        3. Middle School Teacher*

          I have not found the ultrasounds work well. My house was built in 1945 and is in a mature area, lots of trees and parks etc so mice and I are well-acquainted. I have had an exterminator out, they sealed up some outside parts and gave me some strong poison. Also, leaving an open bag of grass seed in my garage helped a lot; last winter they all hung out there and I only caught (and heard) one inside. Mice are a pain. Good luck!

    2. Cosette*

      If you’ve seen one, it’s very likely there are more. Make haste to rid yourselves of these pests!!

      1. Stormfeather*

        This. They’re a) very good at reproducing, and b) can be good enough at being unnoticed that if you ARE noticing them multiple times, there’s a fair chance you already have more than one.

        Personally since I also think they’re cute and like rodents, I have at times caught them in a humane trap, then kept them as pets. Although you still risk them reproducing quickly that way if you’re not quick enough to segregate them.

        (We live in an old house, in a small town that has enough ruralness to it that there are enough mice and things to invade houses fairly commonly. Of course I also have cats, so not that many make it through to where they can actually become a nuisance… but it has happened.)

        1. Zona the Great*

          And if you’re seeing them, they’ve lost a certain amount of fear of you. This is a sign that it’s exterminator time. Once they start doing cartwheels in your living room in front of you, you’re really screwed.

          1. Gaia*

            Yep. I lived in a house that had a massive infestation. We only found out when those little guys started walking across the middle of the floor and right last the dog! They had zero fear of us. One chewed through a wall (A WALL!!!!)

      2. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

        You can also buy bobcat or fox urine and sprinkle it around the holes. Mice don’t want to be near the predators. I would avoid poison at all costs–it hurts far more than the intended targets.

      3. Not so rainy*

        +1 that when you see one, it means they are so numerous that they can’t hide anymore. In an old house, the most efficient mice repellent is a cat. Cats are night hunting creatures. As long as they can nap (on the sofa or the heater) during the day, they get out and around all night. A refugee cat with some street smarts, or a farm-borne cat will be most experienced. Feed it in the morning. Have it spend a couple of nights in the attic and downstairs so its odour is everywhere.
        Please don’t get a cat if you don’t like them. In such case, having a friend and their cat spend the occasional night at your place can be surprisingly effective!

      4. AdAgencyChick*

        YUP.

        They get into everything. EVERYTHING. Thankfully my husband and I were finally able to convince our landlord to deal with the problem (and by “convince” I mean “threaten to file a complaint with the city” because she wouldn’t do anything other than provide us with traps until we did that), but while we had the issue, the mice:
        * chewed up bath towels (presumably for nesting material)
        * pooped in my shoes
        * caused the oven not to work because they peed on the circuitry
        * chewed through any food containers that were not housed in hard plastic or glass, or kept in the refrigerator

        Gross. Get your landlord on the case!

    3. gecko*

      Definitely warn the landlady, especially if she’s pretty decent. You haven’t only seen the mouse, you’ve seen its poop, which is a very reliable indication there’s a problem. She might have traps/have-a-hearts for you or call an expert.

    4. Llellayena*

      My dad ended up with one in the basement one year. They are supprisingly smart creatures. After a series of home built attempts at traps, the final Rube Goldberg machine involving a see-saw arrangement of a pipe on a string where the mouse ate the bait up to the string and then turned around, the only thing that worked was a humane trap. Set that up one night, came down the next morning to find it in the trap. He did drive about 10 miles to let it out though.

    5. Rebecca*

      Country girl here, yes, tons of experience with mice! I lived next to an open field surrounded by forest. I’ve had experience with unwanted house guests like mice, snakes (non venomous, thankfully!!), flying squirrels, bats, birds, you name it.

      About mice: my go to thing was gallon size glass jars and Tupperware type containers for anything a mouse would find tasty. And cats! I had a couple of good mousers. Also, I used traps baited with peanut butter.

      Good luck!!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I found no-kill traps had no effect, beyond elaborately transferring peanut butter to the mouse, and went with a box of old-fashioned traps on Amazon, placed where we were seeing mice. A couple of weeks of diligence got us through the infestation after our old cat died, before we got the kittens. (My theory is if I’m okay with the cats killing mice–and I consider it a feature–I can’t feel too ethically squeamish about the kill traps.)

      1. Elizabeth W.*

        I don’t feel bad about them either, but I absolutely will not use glue traps–they’re awful. Just plain torture. At least a snap is fast, assuming it doesn’t just catch a tail.

    7. mreasy*

      Peppermint oil is a good mouse deterrent. We had them in our kitchen and just ran a diffuser and left the light on. They stopped appearing within a month.

    8. Tailored*

      Lots of experience with mice.
      I have found that old fashioned snap traps work for us. No, it is not pleasant disposing of the bodies but if we need to kill a mouse I think its better if it happens quickly and as humanely as possible. So poison is out, (its a slow death, cats could catch and eat a poisoned mouse, and they do tend to find a secluded place to die, like in your walls) as is sticky tape.
      Live traps are fine if you are so inclined, not sure whther the mouse suffers from it though.

    9. LilySparrow*

      He’s scouting for winter habitat. Ditto to the advice of others, to be as aggressive as you possibly can. And do warn the landlady – mice can damage the infrastructure and cause unhappy tenants. Not everyone is as chill about pests as you are.

      Ultrasonics don’t work, on any kind of pest. They are at best a waste of money, at worst an outright scam. For one thing, you have no way of knowing if it’s actually emitting anything or is just a blinky light.

      If you have access to a cat or dog you could borrow for a week or so, or that you could petsit on a fairly regular basis, their smell and sounds can be a deterrent.

      The one time I had a colony of mice suddenly move into my apartment was when my filthy downstairs neighbor got a dog. Dog showed up one day, mice did an emergency evacuation to my place the next.

      1. Turquoisecow*

        I had a mouse in my apartment (possibly multiples) before I got a cat. Afterward, I saw no mice.

        When I moved the cat and myself out to move in with my now husband, we left some furniture behind. When we returned to pack up the furniture, my husband saw a few mice. So clearly the cat’s presence was a deterrent, even though he never caught any mice.

        Our current house, one of the cats brought husband a mouse shortly after he’d moved in. A year later, he brought him another mouse, and we once found a dead mouse in the laundry room (where the cats don’t go). I figure they’re sufficiently warned off now. :)

    10. Gen*

      We had a terrible time with them earlier this year, took weeks to get rid of them and we only saw one once (there were about a dozen in the traps in the end). One tip our exterminator gave us was that mice seem to understand plastic wrapper= tasty treats so it can be easier to get them to take poison if it’s in a plastic bag. We had the snap traps with spikes and still caught some live ones. Glue traps are a nightmare to deal with if you’re not trained. I wish you lots of luck, hopefully they’ve not moved in yet!

    11. Dame Eleanor Hull*

      If you don’t want to get a cat, get some cat poop. Seriously. I know it sounds gross, but if you can live with a dirty litter box for a few days, the smell will convince the mice that you have a cat and they need to stay out of your place. Your cat-servant neighbor can probably oblige!

    12. Anonerson*

      Agree with the others that you likely have more than just the one mouse, or soon will. If you’re okay with the mice not surviving their expeditions, I highly recommend the D-Con covered snap traps. The “covered” part is important unless you have a very strong stomach. Keep in mind that you’ll want to put out several traps, particularly on the first night. Peanut butter is best for bait.

      Good luck! And definitely tell your landlady; she might be able to make some minor repairs to stop them from getting in (on that note, be sure to check under your kitchen sink for possible entry points); either way, she’ll probably appreciate the heads up that there’s an issue.

    13. Bye Academia*

      Was just in a similar situation. Old building with gaps between the floorboards and the wall, seemed impossible to seal up all the holes. We only ever saw one mouse at a time, but they were different colors so…

      We started with snap traps and poison. We got one in the snap trap and at least one chewed the poison, but we still kept seeing a mouse here and there. We reluctantly put down some glue traps along the wall where they’d run, and they just ran around them to the middle of the room.

      Mice are smart and persistent. Even if you think you’ve cleaned and sealed all food, they can still probably smell it. If they think your apartment is safe (which they do if they’re so comfortable one has let you see it) they’ll keep coming back to look for it.

      Honestly, the only thing that finally worked was sucking it up and putting steel wool between the floor and the baseboards around the entire apartment. It was a pain and took forever, but it was the only way to stop them from coming in. Talk to your landlady. You have to do something ASAP because the longer they go on thinking your apartment is safe, the harder it will be to get rid of them. You don’t have one mouse, you have multiple in a nest nearby and they’re surely breeding. She should want to take care of it, either with an exterminator or by fixing the floor, because infestations are bad for her property.

      1. Woodswoman*

        I second the suggestion for steel wool. I lived in an old place that mice kept getting into, and I wasn’t comfortable with killing them. Plugging holes with steel wool was suggested to me by a facility maintenance professional since they will chew through just about anything else. While it took some time to find the various spots they were getting in, this is the one thing that worked.

    14. Notthemomma*

      A few drops of straight ammonia smells similar to catburine, There a product calls Mouse Out (I have no stake in this company) which is sachets of lavender, peppermint, and other scents which repel mice. Don’t let ANY foodstuffs sit in a cupboard or shelf unless it’s in a glass or heavy sealed container.

      I would also advocate for quick kill-traps. In my view, and I don’t want to start an argument, it’s more humane than just putting the problem rodent in someone else’s space where it won’t have the familiar hidey holes and food sources where another predator will kill it or it’ll starve.

    15. ElspethGC*

      I’m one of the squeamish types who wouldn’t want to put out kill traps etc, and I have no real personal experience, but I will say this:

      You said there are people with cats nearby, including one downstairs. DO NOT use poison. Never never never. A cat who catches and eats a temptingly slow-moving mouse doesn’t know that it’s slow-moving because it’s dying, and the cat will get poisoned. And yes, the cat can die. And it is *not* a nice death for an owner to witness.

      If there is any chance whatsoever that there is a cat or a dog in the area that the mouse will go to – your building, a neighbouring attached building, community cats living just outside and so on – never ever ever use poison. You don’t want to be paying your downstairs neighbour’s vet bills – or the cremation bills. Just don’t even risk it.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        This goes for outdoor pests as well… eating an easily caught poisoned rodent will kill outdoor cats as well as hawks & owls.

    16. Kuododi*

      Personally, I am a city girl with minimal experience in dealing with these creatures. My dear Dad grew up on a farm and always told me to never get taken in by their little faces and start falling for some idea they are cuddly potential snuggle pets. According to Dad, treat each one of the creatures as twitchy, disease carriers spreading pestilence. He additionally SD assume that for each one you see, their filthy little pals are skulking nearby wait for the all clear to come out, wreak destruction and reproduce. Exterminate with extreme prejudice!!! Good luck…. I don’t envy your situation!!! Blech!!!

    17. Artemesia*

      With change of season they tend to come into houses, especially in the fall. I would just set some disposable traps and get rid of them. They are disease vectors.

    18. Piper*

      Thank you all.
      I sent an email to our landlady and have put deterrent scents (only thing I can do this weekend). Will go trap hunting/glass container buying next week. If the neighbor’s cat is well behaved, I might borrow it^^
      We saw the mouse right after coming through the front door at around 1am, so hopefully we took it by surprise as opposed to it already calling our apartment home…

      Thanks again.^^

    19. Smarty Boots*

      Wall cupboards will not make one bit of difference. Being scrupulous about cleaning and keeping food in mouse proof containers will help, but will not get rid of them. If you saw one, you have plenty. Let the landlady know.

      I found several some years ago nesting in the pocket of an apron. Adorable. But unclean. Thank you, Terminix, for taking care of that.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Yes tell the landlord immediately. Rodents need to be addressed at the building level, and they can carry Hanta-virus. They can transmit fleas.
      And at this time of year it could be the first scout looking to come inside–prompt inspection & repair can prevent the cousins from joining him.

      1. AdAgencyChick*

        “Rodents need to be addressed at the building level”

        So much this. In our case traps were just not enough. We put out loads of traps and never caught a single mouse. The problem was resolved only after the super (who had refused to do anything other than provide traps until we told the landlady we were going to file a complaint with the city) plugged the holes in the basement that they were using to get in.

  3. DrTheLiz*

    Argh! My mother is visiting from another country for the first time in a long time and she’s somehow changed from an intelligent, interesting person to somebody staggeringly bigoted (racist, sexist, ableist, you name it). We have three more days of this. Moral support appreciated!

    1. misspiggy*

      What newspapers or channels has she been looking at? You might find they have been working her into a state of fear. Discussing how things really aren’t that bad might help.

      Or, like my parents, it may just be that her filter is going. I tend to make it clear I don’t think one should say these things – in a fairly light way, given we don’t get much time together to go into things. ‘You’d have been shocked if I’d said that as a teenager!’ Tends to help, in that this stuff doesn’t come out quite as often around me.

      1. DrTheLiz*

        She’s been going that way for twenty years, but it’s got much worse than I’d realised. Israeli news isn’t quite FOX News Entertainment, but it certainly repeats some of their more egregious lies. I’ve known for a long time that we can’t discuss politics but spending ten years in a paranoid little bubble (Israel) has sent her off the deep end, it seems. Trying to introduce facts just results in a shouting match.

        I’m just really sad that the worst of my mother has swallowed the best of my mother almost without trace.

        1. Lissa*

          Holy shit, your last line was extremely evocative and hit me right in the gut. I know exactly what you mean.

          So sorry you’re dealing with this.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Ugh, I know the feeling. I don’t discuss politics with my parents anymore if I can help it, because it seems that lurking inside the lovely people I’ve always known are some really nasty ones. It’s rather heartbreaking.

          1. JaneB*

            This is one of the worst aspects of Brexit, for me. My somewhat hippy, loving, smart, widely read parents are acting like little Englanders over it – horrific racist things, a total refusal to accept facts that are against their reality and after a lifetime of staunch anti Tory politics deciding they must be OK and we will be fine because at least the stories are delivering Brexit – and the EU are out to get us if they follow the rules we helped design. It’s really awful. They lived through the Second World War (as children). My mum had a school friend whose family left Austria in the 1930s as political refugees. but they think the EU is an anti-peace organisation.

            I think it’s partly age & the very embarrassingly biased reporting of parts of the BBC, and partly I don’t know what. It’s scary and sad and hard. Much empathy!

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              I’m sorry. I’m fortunate that my in-laws are very similar in their outlook to my husband and I. They have also become French residents recently so maybe we can escape there after brexit…

        3. Artemesia*

          ‘I’m just really sad that the worst of my mother has swallowed the best of my mother almost without trace.’

          Great line. My FIL was the same. Always rather right wing and certainly racist at the core, but never expressed bigotry in the family and was generally a gentleman (he actually took pride in the fact that while himself a racist raised in a racist South, he had nevertheless raised a bunch of kids who were not — you never heard the N word or similar from him). In his final years it was as if he has an IV drip of Fox news into his brain and he became a ranting quite terrible person filled with ugliness.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Ooooh…. this sounds like my mother and I am so, so sorry. We went to visit them last week in New Jersey and I ended up screaming at my mother and stepfather about some of the horrible things they were saying. I was not raised this way! It’s appalling. What makes it worse is that they will ONLY talk about politics. Not about my life or my interests or anything else. It’s disheartening and sad and infuriating. My grandparents lament how their precious only daughter turned out this way. They blame her husband. I remind them that she’s an intelligent woman with a mind of her own.

      You mention your mother lives in Israel? While my parents are in the States, it’s the same ilk. They use Israel as an excuse for their political leanings, but they don’t stop there. The bigotry makes me sick. You have SO much of my sympathy!

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      My friend grew up a secular Jew. There was no true Kosher kitchen. No truly do nothing prep for two days before hand Shabbat.

      His parents moved to Israel 10 years ago, His parents became Ultra Orthodox observant. Nightmare. Visits are terrible for the reasons you describe. His wife did not convert. The parents were cool with this 11 years ago, not anymore. They never shut up about finding a good Orthodox shul and get those grandbabies “truly converted”.

      The only saving grace is because their home is *treif treif treif*, the parents do Air BnB. It is not a fun visit. They stayed this year just before Rosh Hashanah to the bitter end of Sukkot.

      His parents were university professor who taught science. It’s like aliens swapped their brains. They are around late 50s age wise. The stuff that comes out of their mouths is stunning. The area I live in has engineers doing contract work from Pakistan/Middle East. The parents say racist things right out in the open. You can be shopping, and the parents have no brain to mouth filter. You haven’t lived until you are in a store, with many observant muslims, and hearing someone loudly talk about filthy Arabs.

      Hang in there! It is so not easy.

      1. Artemesia*

        My husband went to law school with a wonderful woman; bright — maybe the brightest in the class — and foresquare for social justice. And so interesting and compassionate. She and her husband moved to Israel and are now just horrifying hate spewing bigots. We were stunned having known them as such wonderful and decent people.

        I hate to think that the world I grew up in with largely decent people across the political spectrum is now gone and the most vile thoughts and behaviors so socially acceptable.

      2. CRY*

        Hi! Sorry people are encountering people who are unpleasant, biased and don’t have filters. Truly annoying, especially when they were previously not as annoying.
        That being said painting whole swaths of people (Israel. Observant Jews. ) with one brush is not really fair or helpful. One might even say it’s biased.

        1. UndeadInOhio*

          They aren’t painting whole swaths of people, nor people they’ve “encountered”. They’re talking about their own parents. It’s a much harder thing to deal with, and much more troubling. And what causes this kind of change in people if not their changed surroundings– the media they watch, the company they keep, the culture they choose?

          I know many liberal, open-minded Jewish people, both practicing and secular; I hope everybody does. I encountered a lot more “liberal-hippie-communist Jew” stereotype-ideas (hello, Bernie Sanders!) growing up than backwards-bigoted-xenophobic-Jew stereotype-ideas. I think that’s part of why it’s so jarring. To see this reversal happening in our communities, with, in DrTheLiz and Artemisa’s case, their own parents, is upsetting in a way I didn’t know was possible.

          As AvonLady and Lissa mention, this happens in families in the states and other kinds of communities as well; it isn’t exclusively, or even mostly, a Jewish issue. But it becomes a Jewish issue when it happens to us. It becomes a Jewish issue when we need to figure out what has changed in our communities, in our surroundings. That’s why it is important to start talking about specifics, or at least asking– is this happening just here, or there too? Is the cause these news channels, those synagogues, the kinds of dialogue we have with our neighbors? The answers might be no, or yes, or “well, sort-of.” I’m not sure. But it’s important to keep asking and thinking until we figure it out.

    4. WellRed*

      My mom has bought into all the … red stuff. We got into a huge screaming fight went I visited this summer. She’s not even a person interested in politics.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I put the kibosh on talking politics with my parents. It only leads to heartache. They were totally normal until they hit their mid-fifties, and now it’s like they are different people. Complaining about people on welfare, totally anti-immigration, saying it’s ridiculous that we have anti-discrimination laws because “employers shouldn’t be forced to hire certain people if they don’t want to hire them.” One time I lost my cool and yelled, “But you received WIC when I was a kid!” But of course, that’s different, because they worked hard and they’re not like “those other people” who just quit their jobs and suckle at the teat of the government.

        1. Phoenix Programmer*

          Ugh yes this!

          My SIL is on SNAP, Medicaid, disability, and had WIC as well. She posted a meme about “The least the government can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family my taxes support to hang on the fridge!”

          1. Nita*

            *snort* get the woman a mirror! And ugh, I’ve got family very much like that – a household of four, out of whom only one person works and the rest are on various government assistance. They’re more than happy to bash government support for poor people. The lot of them is college-educated and supposedly smart, but I guess they think that if the aid tap turns off, they’ll still get theirs somehow. Riiiight.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Lots of moral support, and just an observation — with my grandmother, it was related to a mental decline. She used to be bright, curious, fairly apolitical, funny, well-read… and then as her health and stamina declined it got harder to do some of those intellectually stimulating things she had been accustomed to doing and easier to watch Fox “News” all day. By the last year of her life, she was an angry, fearful, paranoid, unpleasant person. If she’d been in a different care context, it may have been different. But just flagging that anger and paranoia are often signs of declining mental acuity with age!

      1. Nita*

        Oh so much sympathy… My grandma too. When she became home-bound and her senses declined, that became her source of news. And she became such a fearful person, so full of hate at “them”, just living in this tiny echo chamber for the last sort-of-lucid years she had. I hope there’s a special place in hell for the “news” makers, just for this thing with brainwashing vulnerable old people.

    6. Merci Dee*

      My boss mentioned to me a movie on Thursday that covers basically this exact topic – “The Brainwashing of My Dad”. It’s a documentary that details how the filmer’s dad had been a lifelong Democrat to an angry right wing fanatic after he started listening to talk radio during his commute. If you look at the ratings for the movie, you can see where they fall pretty squarely along party lines, but it gives another perspective on the path that’s brought us to 2018. For whatever you might think about that particular path.

    7. Not A Manager*

      “Mom, you never used to be this way. I don’t like what’s happened to you. Please let’s not talk about politics at all while you’re here.” Then when she starts, you can say something like “Uh, uh, uh – politics!” That broadly covers racism and xenophobia, too.

      Meanwhile, if there were activities that you used to enjoy doing together, like baking or movies, maybe lean into those more heavily?

      Sorry that this is happening. It sucks.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      I am sorry this is happening to you. I hope you can get through the next 3 days successfully.
      There’s a small chance a health issue is affecting behavior. I have friends with very difficult older parents whose changing behaviors are caused by health problems. Of course, I hope your mom is in perfect health.
      Treat yourself when your hosting is over!

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Same problem here, though my mom isn’t a country away. I really don’t know what happened to the tolerant, open minded person I remember as a teen.

    10. Clever Name*

      OMG. I agree about the filter. As my mother has gotten older she’s been getting increasingly worse about making awful comments about fat people or icky classist comments. Just ugh. I’ve started nicely calling her out on it. Like I was expressing my excitement and joy at the girl I used to babysit (now an awesome young woman) getting engaged and she was all, “I don’t understand shy she’s so fat”. It was super weird and out of place and I simply said, “why are you talking about that?” And she stopped.

    11. DrTheLiz*

      Thanks so much, you guys. It’s heartening to hear I’m not alone.

      (We’ve successfully put a moratorium on outright political talk, but I also have to not mention my gay friends, my disabled friends, share any opinion adjacent to politics… it gets wearying.)

  4. It’s all good*

    Hi virtual friends! Just wanted to thank those that helped me a few weeks ago in regards to my sugar addiction. So since then I have eliminated all sweets. Cookies, candy, ice cream and the like. Not easy. I chewed sugar free gum during the family baking sessions (2 kinds of brownies!) and when tempted. I did slip up unintentionally. Once when the kids handed me a piece of gum during a family bubble blowing contest and once during a family breakfast where I was given and ate a taste of a cinnamon roll. I remembered right as I was chewing. – I have not eliminated all sugar I.e yogurt. And I will have a piece of wedding cake later today. But overall I’m happy with my progress! One day at a time, that’s all we got.

    2. Cosette*

      You will find, too, that your taste for sugar will likely diminish, but it’s really easy to get back on it… so just be aware. That is, if I eat a cookie, I find that I want more and more… but I don’t like super sugary cookies any more.. so at least that’s a good thing. Also, you can make your own yogurt with milk and live yogurt cultures. It’s actually really easy and then you know exactly what’s in it. And if you need the sweet, just mix in fresh berries with each serving when you eat it! Good luck. Kicking sugar can be difficult but so worth it!

      2. It’s all good*

        Thanks for the encouragement, and yes I found out today I’m losing my taste you are right

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Maybe buy some unsweetened cocoa powder or baker’s chocolate and mix up your own low sugar not-so-sweet treat? My 11yo daughter makes hot chocolate with milk, coco powder, and stevia. There’s diabetics in the family so I’m 100% thrilled she’s avoided some of her dad’s sweet tooth.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              Oh and watch out for stevia packaging, some brands have misleading text and are really sugar WITH stevia. Happily my family checks before opening, because it’s too easy to miss small print at WalMart.

    4. Gaia*

      Good for you! Sugar is obscenely addictive. I have it up in June and am only now reintroducing it in small quantities (and no refined sugar). And it is still a challenge.

      You’ll be amazed how much sweeter other things taste and how you realize things you used to think were great are kind of meh when you try them again.

    5. Artemesia*

      I needed to drop sugar and most carbs as a pre-diabetic and I went close to cold turkey on sugar and cut about 75% of white carbs. Have been doing this for about a year. I LOVE candy and ice cream and desserts and donuts etc. LOVE them all. I could polish off half a pound of chocolates easily. And yet it has been easier than I thought it would be to drop most of this and then when I do indulge to make it a very small portion. I find I just don’t crave sugar as I thought I would

      The result of doing this is I have lost nearly 30 pounds this full year without ever thinking about losing weight. I was never overweight, but very close to the line and definitely had too much in the middle where it is dangerous. That is all gone. And in addition to dropping weight to my more or less ideal range at my age, I find I don’t crave sugar as much as I thought I would. It has been a welcome surprise.

      Hang in there — somehow cutting out sugar has diminished my lust for it. Hope it works that way for you.

      1. It’s all good*

        So far so good. You are also my hero! The last time I quit like this I lost weight fast. I did not weigh myself st the start nor now. I haven’t felt a difference in how my clothes fit like last time.

    6. It’s all good*

      Well went to the wedding there was no wedding cake just bite sized desserts. I tried a tiny bite of two of them and it was “eh”. I guess I AM losing my taste for sweets. Later I tried a bite size cupcake and it was yummy so I had another. Maybe I will have my next sweet at Halloween.

      1. Not so rainy*

        You are MY hero! Congrats! I took 3 months to wean myself of sugared coffee, and I had to use cinnamon as replacer. Best tip I received was to replace my sugar fix with powdered cinnamon. I was told it acts as placebo and reduces the sugar crave without tricking your body the same way as edulcorants.

  5. Arya Parya*

    Hi! I posted a while ago about finding having a newborn very difficult. Our daughter is 4 months old today and things are a lot better. What helped most is that she started sleeping through the night. I’m also back at work, which has been great. Not being a mother for at least part of the week, has been great for my mental health.

    All the advice about it not having to be fun, was really helpful for me. It gave me some peace of mind and I was able to just allow myself to be unhappy some of the time and to just wait for it to start to click. Which has happened now.

    A good friend of mine gave birth to her son about three weeks ago and it seems like she’s going to the same transition that I went through. She’s a single mom, which makes it extra difficult. She lives close by, so my SO and I try to help as much as we can. Sometimes by just listening and telling her that feeling this way is completely normal. But also by taking the baby for an hour or so, so she can rest a bit.

    I’m actually also kind of relieved to see this happening. It makes me feel less crazy for finding the first few months so incredibly hard, now that I see someone else struggeling with the same things. Of course I wish it will get easier for her as soon as possible so she can start enjoying the whole motherhood experience a bit.

    So thanks again for all the advice and support I got from you all before. I now get to pass to on the someone else, who will hopefully find it equally helpful.

    1. Dramaholic*

      I have two kids. I was miserable for the first few months of new parenting. The transition was so overwhelming and difficult. I felt a lot of guilt for not enjoying motherhood when everyone else I knew seemed to cruise through (they did not, as I discovered later).

      If I could go back in time I would give myself a huge hug and tell myself it’s okay to struggle; and to stress less because kids almost always turn out fine no matter what you do/don’t do.

      You’re awesome for helping out your friend – so important to have a decent support system in place. But don’t forget to also be kind to yourself. Raising a 4 month old human is a lot of hard work!

      1. Arya Parya*

        Everyone else seeming to cruise through, is so true. Our friend thought we were having fun and finding it alle easy as well. So not true. Apparently either people don’t show they’re struggeling or people (especially those without kids) don’t see it.

        1. Grapey*

          Eh, I find as a childfree woman my motherfriends are open to sharing more since they’re not afraid of scaring me.

          How often do you show weakness to your friends with kids?

          1. Not a cat*

            Also childfree mom-friend here. I’ve been told it is because I don’t have that competitive-mom-thing.

    2. Anona*

      Thank you for this. Do you know when you originally posted?! I’d love to go back and read the comments. I have a 6 week old and was literally sitting here thinking about how hard this is.

      2. Mallory*

        I have 3. I found 0-> 1 not so bad but I was in tears constantly when my second was born. I was overwhelmed. DH was working a ton. New baby didn’t sleep AT ALL. To make it worse my first was a super easy baby so I was caught extra off guard.

        We took a chance and had a 3rd. First few weeks were tricky but mainly she’s been a piece of cake. She’s almost 4 months and she’s just awesome.

        So a lot of this depends on the baby you have. And, honestly, it gets better! Once they start doing cool stuff- sitting, walking, talking- they feel like real people! We now have 3 hybrid clones of DH and me running around the house for better or worse but it’s our crazy and we love it. You CAN do this. They WILL sleep one day. I just went through potty training with my middle and think I got about 200 grey hairs. But we are out of diapers and the countdown is on/ the end is in sight for The Last Diaper ( goal of July 2020).

        1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

          I have two and my experience was very similar to yours when each of them was born. I mean, I was kind of sad after my first was born, because my lifestyle had changed so much overnight. But the new baby screamed 24×7 and slept in 20 minute intervals, only while being held. Kid #1 was 2.5 years old when the baby was born, and was NOT HAPPY about having a baby brother who cried all night. My in-laws lived two days away by train, and could not help out. My parents basically told me I’d made a terrible mistake. I am an only child, and in their minds, having two and having “20 and counting” was an equally insane thing to do. They made my husband give my dad his word that he’d help me with the kids, and emigrated to another continent when the baby was three months old. The husband’s help consisted basically of yelling at me for not being a good mother, and angrily asking me when his dinner would be ready. He told me later that he’d lost his love for me during that time, because of how awful of a mother I was. So, no, we did not have a 3rd (even though we initially had wanted three). The kids are now in their 20s, I think they are amazing young man, their father and I are both proud of them to a ridiculous degree. We are no longer married to each other; best thing I’ve ever done for myself. He lives in the area and the kids come over to his house quite often to help him out around the house and to keep him company. He and I are on good terms. Hmmm, is there a positive message in this? lol I think what I am saying here is that, yes, babies are insanely difficult, but having a support system (SO, friends, family) helps greatly. I did have several friends who helped me get through that time. Congrats on your upcoming Last Diaper, I am looking at The Last College Bill here. (possibly already paid it two months ago – I’ll believe it when I see the diploma, though.) Also a huge weight off!

          1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

            Uhhhh, forgot to say the one thing I’d commented to say – that, with the second, I was in tears all the time for the first few months (have been actually physically unable to cry ever since after that), and was convinced that I’d done A Terrible Thing and had Let My Family Down and made my older son’s life hell, and that I should have never given him a brother he did not want, and now both of them would be miserable for the rest of their lives, all because of me.

            Fast forward 20 years, my oldest was a kid straight out of college, with Aspergers, living on his own on the opposite side of the country and working at his first job. His brother was a psych major in college. When the oldest became depressed because the office work and the move/living alone in a new place had caught up to him, the youngest spent hours on the phone with him helping him through it. They do grow up, it does get better, and is totally worth it!

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      Parents who make it look *easy* have help. My friend had her mother come over for the first 5 months so she could catch up on sleep and work on her milk supply during the weekends. Her mom did housework and prepped food for the week.

      I help a ton when my niece was born the first 6 months. I wasn’t working at the time, and gladly did it for the the few dollars thrown my way. (Sister wanted to pay, I didn’t want it, so the amount was minimal.)

      If you had someone catching up on bottles, clothes washing, dishes, vacuuming, you’d make it look easy too.

    4. ArtK*

      Very glad to hear that things are improving for you. Sadly, society (especially advertising media) has created this illusion that motherhood is supposed to be all butterflies and rainbows. That’s a hard expectation to get over; as you and every other parent have discovered it is something quite different.

      Things do get better, especially after the exhaustion passes, but it’s never as smooth as we would wish. “This too shall pass” has been my parenting mantra for years (sons are in their early 20s now.)

    5. It’s all good*

      You are a great friend. I too was unprepared. I would think “surely since I’ve managed a dozen people I can handle one baby”. Wrong! I was on my own. DH worked 15 hour night shifts and our daughter literally was unable to breastfeed. It was not fun times, I was either pumping or feeding her (took 1.5 hours for her to drink 8 oz.). I was a mess and angry by the lack of sleep. – I practically tell strangers about PPD and related issues so they have a clue and be easier on themselves

    6. PurpleMonster*

      Ah, we’ve all been there. The sleep thing is a real killer! I didn’t really enjoy the newborn stage either. Except for the snuggles.

      Not to rain on your parade, but at 4mo do expect the sleep to start sliding backwards for a while – it’s a normal stage of development as they become more aware of their surroundings. A lot of people get into sleep training at that point but that wasn’t my parenting jam so I turned the cot into a sidecar so I could boob her back to sleep while dozing myself. It made all the difference until things settled back down again.

      I think life gets better at this point, too, because they become so much more interactive, rather than being screechy little potatoes.

      1. Arya Parya*

        I count my blessings every night she sleeps through the night. I know that can change again at any moment. At least we already had 1,5 months of good night sleeps they can never take away again.

    7. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I wonder how many people can’t remember how hard those first months were. I think I remember it more clearly because I blogged about it as we lived through it but I clearly remember much of the misery of the first six months. I don’t think ze slept through the night until 8-10 months and I honestly didn’t think we’d survive! :)

      Lots of it wasn’t fun but it really helped that I primed myself and my husband to expect it to be MOSTLY hard work and then we were pleasantly surprised that it met expectations with an added unexpected bonus of actually really liking our kid once we could get some sleep. Good luck, I hope your nearby friend can trade help with you as the kids get older.

      It’s much easier for folks with a support network which we didn’t have, so we have to build our own.

      1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

        The whole first year after kid#2 was born is a blank in my memory. I have very little recollection of what happened during those twelve months.

    8. lemon squares*

      if you’re in the northern hemisphere, now is good bean soup time. Acquacotta (bbc has a good recipe) – you can sub out veg broth or water for chicken soup, Riccardo’s black bean soup etc

    9. Observer*

      There is a good reason why in communities like Orthodox Jewish communities generally have a lot of support infrastructure to help new parents. Couples move into parents for a couple of weeks (it can make an incredible difference), people come over to help with a lot of stuff (everything from meals to housecleaning), and some organizations will arrange for paid help for a short amount of time.

  6. Dramaholic*

    After a lifetime of being a carnivore I’m trying to eat more vegetarian meals – or at least meals with small quantities of meat. Suggestions/tips/recipes, please?

    1. StellaBella*

      Veggie stirfry. Over brown or white rice.
      Roasted mixed veggies.
      Red lentil and rice soup with veggie bouillion cube for a base.
      Veggie chili.
      Roasted chick peas, dry, as a snack.

      1. Piper*

        Look up risotto recipes, they’re tasty, filling and often vegetarian, with loads of variety. Mushroom, gorgozola cheese + pears, various vegetables, etc.

        1. BRR*

          Piggybacking on this, if you have an instant pot it makes a decent risotto. It might not be as good as stove top risotto but it’s so much easier.

      2. Pam.*

        Lately, I have been making lunch dishes for the week. Start with a base of rice, quinoa, couscous, or noodles. Cook chopped vegetables, add a can or two of beans, and then add a stir fry sauce or salsa. Put single servings into containers, and lunch is ready to go, and easy to reheat.

    2. DrTheLiz*

      Jacket potatoes with cheese and baked beans is a good one if yoy like baked beans, or with fried onion and cream cheese.

          1. TL -*

            Good to know that’s an integral part of the process :)
            I know people who oil baked potatoes – I only do it if I’m cooking for others; otherwise I just stab ’em and pop ’em nekkid into the microwave.

            1. TL -*

              (baked potatoes can be either way is what I’m saying, though it would be weird to pay for a baked potato without a nice crispy oiled skin.)

            2. Artemesia*

              A microwaved potato can be tasty but it is not a baked potato but rather a steamed one and the skins will not be crispy and tasty whether oiled or not.

    3. Red Reader*

      I’ve had luck with baked pasta dishes – when I do lasagne or manicotti, I leave out the loads of Italian sausage I used to put in and load the cheese mixture down with spinach, mushrooms, grated carrots.

      Mac and cheese. Bean chili. Minestrone soup? Quiche can be easily done with just veg.

    4. Ron McDon*

      I am veggie but my husband and kids are devoted carnivores, so I do lots of substituting – quorn mince in spaghetti bolognese, veggie chilli, lasagne etc. Quorn pieces in stir fry, curry etc.

      Or I use lentils (great with lemon and low fat creme fraiche as a pasta sauce), tins of beans (butter beans/chickpeas are good in curry, mixed beans in chilli), or lots of veggies in place of meat – mushroom is particularly good as it can be quite strong in flavour.

      Salads with lots of rocket, pepper, cucumber, avocado, mixed grains or lentils, goats cheese, walnuts…

      But the easiest way to begin is to just substitute meat for tofu/a meat substitute/beans. Of course, if you’re eating more ‘a piece of meat with potatoes and cooked veg’ type meals it’s more difficult – then I just buy something like a veggie pie from a supermarket, but I don’t eat that kind of meal often. When I cook a roast dinner I just eat the veggies, I don’t bother making myself a nut roast or anything, I can’t be bothered!

      Hope this helps…

      1. Lynn Whitehat*

        I think it’s helpful not to expect a veg meal to “look like” the traditional “meat main, 2 small sides” dinner. I feel like that’s where people get stumped. “Start with pork chop, mashed potatoes and green beans. Minus pork chop. Plus…???”

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        +1 to Quorn pieces. They cook from frozen so are really easy to throw into sauces in the same way you’d use chopped chicken. I used to swear by them when I was at university.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      My go to is to brush slices of good bread with olive oil, grill, and use a bunch of bruschetta toppings (chopped tomatoes, roast tomatoes or fennel, roast beets, grilled watermelon, avocado with garlic and spices, roast figs, search the internet). The antipasto bar at some groceries can give you some more variety, usually on the richer, oil-packed end. You can add a little goat cheese and sausage.

      For smaller quantities of meat, I find that upping the variety of vegetables on the plate is the easiest approach–half as much chicken then works fine. Asparagus or green beans boiled for a couple of minutes then sprinkled with ume vinegar are my go to minimal work extras. It’s the right time of year for sliced tomatoes from the farmer’s market to be a simple extra vegetable.

    6. Engineering consultant*

      I’m not sure of your tastes, but my general suggestion is to treat meat like a side and load up on the vegetables and grains.

      For me, I find East/Southeast Asian food very easily adaptable to becoming vegetarian (just take out the meat or sub in firm tofu or tempeh), or cooking Indian food.

      1. Slartibartfast*

        Mexican cuisine is similarly easy, sub out the meat for beans of your choice. Black bean for beef, something like a northern bean for chicken, chickpeas or kidney for pork.

    7. catsaway*

      Pasta + veggies
      Use lentils for tacos instead of ground beef, or mix in lentils with the beef
      Lentil soup
      Rice bowls – rice + veggies + egg + tofu

    8. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I make a lot of curries, and those are easy to make just veggie based and with no meats. Soups and stews in general, there are a lot of veggie ones – I had an amazing curried cauliflower soup last night with naan. (The recipe is on Smitten Kitchen.)

      Also, dishes that are grains (pasta or rice) with a pile of veggies stirred in – so pasta, plus sautéd tomatoes, olives, red peppers, zucchini, or rice with kimchi. I also really like sweet potatoes with broccoli and cheese. I’m incredibly lazy, so that’s about the level of effort I’m willing to put in, haha.

    9. Overeducated*

      This is my diet…in the last week the menu was buffalo cauliflower sliders; palak paneer; pierogies with sauteed cabbage, carrots, and onions; pasta with kale, queso fresco, and jarred pumpkin chipotle sauce (experimental, not great); and spicy tofu and green bean stir fry, for examples. More out of box stuff this week due to lack of time. But i tend to eat a lot of bean stews, chilis, curries, and tacos as well (sometimes with meat, sometimes not – I plan to buy and cook around one meat dish a week).

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      If you like curry, paneer cheese is a good alternative to meat. Although to be honest in India a lot of curries are vegetarian anyway so you can just do them with vegetables if you prefer.

      Also, it might help to start small and maybe have one meat-free day a week – there is a campaign called Meat Free Mondays, but obviously you could do another day if you prefer. Then gradually you can work up to eating vegetarian more often if you want to.

    11. Kj*

      I love vegetarian soups. They are easy to make vegetarian and there are tons of recipes out there for bean soups or chilis. Also, think about eating breakfast for dinner once a week too.

    12. epi*

      A few recommendations for you. My husband and I are both former long-time vegetarians who now eat limited meat.

      These are the three cookbooks we get the most use out of:
      Afro-Vegan by Bryant Terry. These are vegan interpretations of foods from Africa, the Caribbean, and the American South. The book is gorgeous (he even makes music recommendations for each recipe), the book’s purpose is great, and the food is seriously satisfying. I highly recommend the braised mustard greens from this book.
      Moosewood Restaurant New Classics. The Moosewood books are all classics, but the older ones can be cheese heavy and dated. This book earns its name. I’ve been cooking out of it since high school and recommend the sopa seca (a kind of tortilla casserole) and the black bean and sweet potato hash.
      Good and Cheap by Leanne Brown. Not all the recipes in this book are vegetarian, but most are: the book’s purpose is to provide tasty, healthy recipes that are accessible on a food stamp budget. A PDF of the book can be had for free. Brown also talks about rethinking what a meal should look like if it is good and nutritious– super helpful for people reducing meat.

      My favorite thing to do this time of year is what we call vegetable party. Roast a sheet pan of chopped root vegetables and squashes tossed with olive oil, salt, and pepper– whatever looks good to you is fine, but I like a mix of red and sweet potatoes, carrots, and zucchini. Leave the softer/wetter veggies larger than the potatoes and carrots so things finish cooking at the same time. If you want to add brussel sprouts, leeks/onions, or garlic, wait and add them when the other veggies are about half done. I would start with a 400 degree oven and check every 20-30 minutes until you know how you want it done.

      Meanwhile, make any wetter vegetable dish on the stove top that you enjoy and that would normally only rate as a side dish. Greens, beans, braised cabbage, or sauteed mushrooms are good choices. If you are using kale or brussel sprouts, they are great with red pepper flakes, a little parmesan cheese, and some lemon juice and zest. Serve your stovetop dish over the roasted veggies as though they were pasta or rice. This is a seriously filling, comforting, and easy meal.

      If you have leftovers, just combine the two vegetable dishes and heat in the microwave at work. Or heat together in a skillet at home and scramble in an egg or top with a fried egg.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Another good cookbook is More with Less Cookbook, by Doris Janzen Longacre. (There is also another More with Less by her that is not the cookbook, no idea if its any good.) It’s Mennonite, but with lots of recipes from international missionaries. So ethnic food, via American tastebuds and cooking techniques. Excellent, yummy food, not too fancy or complicated. One of its focuses is balanced consumption of meat.

        Highly, highly recommend.

    13. LemonLyman*

      There are a lot of great suggestions in this thread! My spouse has been vegetarian his whole life and I do the cooking, so I’m always on the look out for good recipes/suggestions, too. A couple vegetarian or vegetarian leaning recipe blogs to check out are:

      Cookie & Kate
      Love & Lemons
      Minimalist Baker
      101 Cookbooks
      The Toasted Pine Nut
      Sprouted Kitchen

    14. GreyNerdShark*

      quick and easy… zucchini pizza!

      thin preferably wholemean pizza base. We feed 2 people on one pizza but we are not huge eaters.
      1 medium to large zucchini per base,
      some basil pesto or similar, a tablespoon or so, maybe a bit more.
      tomato paste or pizza paste I get it in 90ml satchets, say 1.5-2 tablespoons.
      100g or so of fetta cheese
      200deg C oven

      use the back of a spoon to spread the tomato paste over the pizza base
      peel the zucchini nto strips with a veggie peeler. I find the T shaped ones work best.
      distribute the zucchini over the pizza
      flick dollops of pesto over the pizza. get it so each 1/8th slice has some
      crumble the fetta over the pizza
      put the pizza on a rack in about the middle of the oven, cook for 10 min.

      Surprisingly tasty and if you get the right base, crunchy.

    15. UndeadInOhio*

      Beans and nuts are a great source of protein if you’re cutting back on meat. A lot of Indian dishes are surprisingly easy, especially if you find a pre-made spice mix that suits you. Some are authentic, some are clearly Americanized, but you do you. Chaana masala is a good one to start with: it’s basically a tomato-chickpea soup with a hundred variations.

      There are also a lot of recipes out there for peanut-butter protein bars and shakes. Maybe not a meal, but can satisfy a craving for protein that can come from eating a lot of carbs-and-vegetable based meals (veggie stir-fry over rice).

    16. Anonykins*

      Vegan blog Oh She Glows has a really good black bean and sweet potato enchilada recipe. If you’re not vegan, very easy to add cheese and sub the cashew sauce for a more traditional variety

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve loved Indian food since having a Gujarti housemate senior year. And her family is strictly religious vegetarian so I learned those dishes first. But I was lucky to have that as a first intro, because restaurant Indian food often doesn’t agree with me. The way American restaurants cook uses a lot of oil… and many Indian sauces are ghee-based (butter). We ran across this cookbook and never looked back–its vegetarian recipes are standard Lenten meals. (Catholic husband)
      https://www.amazon.com/Indian-Light-Cooking-Delicious-Cuisines/dp/1556113897

      If you decide to go fully vegetarian, consider consulting a nutritionist. There are a lot of details in a vegetarian culture’s cuisine that turn out to meet critical dietary needs. Just as simple as having rice at the same meal as beans to let your body get all the amono acids it needs to build protein.

      A formerly vegan co-worker now occasionally has fish because she was having medical issues that were none of my business to hear details of. All I needed to know was if we were going to lunch, Japanese was easiest on her diet.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oh and if you’re into reenactments, look up medeival Lenten recipes. SCA members & local branches have a lot of info online. Many of us started with “Cariadoc’s Miscellany” (David Friedman & Elizabeth Cook), or with “Take a Thousand Eggs or More” (Cindy Renfrow). http://www.pbm.com/~lindahl/food.html

  7. StellaBella*

    Hi all. I just said goodbye to my college roommate yesterday, she was visiting for a week. Was a great visit but I am sad she’s gone home. Her visit made me realise how much I miss my home town and friends, but it is nostalgia, what I miss are the memories from before I moved, as I have been gone 10 years and live outside the USA. But it was a good visit and good memories were made.

    I want to say thanks to all of you here for kind, wide-ranging advice and thoughtfulness. It’s a great community!

  8. Put that camera down*

    People who document everything they do on social media…where do they get the time for the real world?
    There’s an artist I follow on social media who, along with her artwork, also posts a lot about her personal life. And by ‘a lot’ I mean ‘details everything that’s happening’, usually almost in real time. The other day she posted a photo of her and her husband holding hands (just their hands). At first I was like ‘aw, that’s a cute photo’, then I realised she’d had to have stopped doing whatever it was they were doing, pose, take a photo and then put it on social media. It just feels…weird and artificial.
    I have some friends like this as well, who update their social media constantly. It can get grating when they’re more concerned about creating an image of having fun somewhere than actually /being/ there.
    Of course, if that’s what makes them happy, then power to them. Posts like those tend to get a lot of compliments and a lot of people (myself included) enjoy them. But I do wonder if it can get a bit trying for people around them who may not be as into that kind of thing.

    1. Jen*

      Reminds me of the photo of the ‘Phone-Free Old Lady’ taken a few years ago. I’m a terrible photographer and I leave my phone at home most of the time anyway. I can’t imagine living my life through a lens, but maybe I would think differently if I were creative and talented like this person seems to be?

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      I think I know what you mean. At least she is apparently a public figure promoting herself and her work.
      I have some friends who have physical and mental health problems and post about them a lot. Every doctor appointment, headache, insomnia, etc. I feel bad for them but don’t know what I can do. I don’t have nearly as many medical appointments as they do, but I can’t imagine posting about the ones I do have.
      However, I’ve noticed that things I post that I think are funny or interesting get little reaction, but the occasional checking in at a restaurant gets lots of likes. Go figure!

      1. Put that camera down*

        I feel like it’s a bit different if people are blogging or doing it as a coping mechanism. For me it’s more the ‘trying to look spontaneous but actually takes ages to get the right shot’ types that feel weird. You know the type – in cafes or restaurants spending ages arranging their dishes or drinks exactly right, then spending ages with filters etc. so they can get them onto Insta.

        1. Waiting for the Sun*

          Yes, see what you mean there.
          If something is really exciting to me, I want to experience it, not take pictures of it.

    3. Cosette*

      We took a vacation this past spring where I intentionally did not get my phone out all the time. I have a whole lot less pictures but really experienced the location… which was well worth my focus!

      1. Tau*

        On the flip side, I’m terrible at remembering to take pictures when I’m out and about and am always sad about this because I have very little mementos of past events and my memory isn’t great. There’ve been vacations I’ve completely forgotten about before. It seems to me that a balance in between the two is the best way forward.

    4. annakarina1*

      I have an FB friend who will post stuff that I do feel like is a performance, like “I guess this is what being an adult is like!” (She’s nearly 30) Or praising her husband and going “Doing marriage right!” Just stuff that does feel childish and artificial to me.

      I tend to mostly post about movies I watch, artsy things I like, and more my interests rather than talking about my personal life or venting or getting into politics. That’s just how I am, but I’m fine reading other posts from people who use Facebook differently.

    5. Kate Daniels*

      It might actually be their full-time job. There are many travel vloggers I follow who are making really good money through sponsored ads or sponsored posts.

    6. OperaArt*

      This makes me think of the “Instagram Husband” video on YouTube. Very funny. What it’s like being the non-Instagram partner in a relationship.

    7. Book Lover*

      I took a lot of pictures when the kids were tiny and changing a lot, and I am grateful as I always see them as they are and have a hard time remembering their baby faces. Now I tend to take pictures just at occasions or when they are particularly cute. I do post to social media for family only, and I curate the pictures – they are for fun and memories so I don’t document every tantrum and scrape. Some people do a lot more and others do less but I guess as long as you do what is right for your mental health – shrug.

    8. LilySparrow*

      Last year, I had to unfollow/hide a lovely young couple I know. They experienced a devastating late miscarriage/still birth, and shared every second of the process and their grief on social media.

      I figured they were just oversharing and scrolled past their posts really fast, until Irealized they had something going on I didn’t and couldn’t understand. I noticed that in the photos he posted of her hospital-bed agony and weeping, she was in full makeup and had fixed her hair between shots.

      They are truly nice people, so I just took a step back to let them finish doing whatever that was doing for them. Because I don’t get it. At. All.

    9. Engineering consultant*

      They usually don’t have traditional 40-hour (or more) work weeks, or they use it to create an image of themselves.

      I can kind of understand an artist posting more than just their artwork – they want to gain more followers and it’s easy to gain a lot of likes by posting cutesy, posed photos of your daily life with an “inspirational” message.

      I’ll admit I’ve fallen into the trap of trying create an image of having fun instead of actually being in the present. In my real life, I do have a full-time technical job, but on weekends I take a dslr camera with me everywhere to capture any moments that I might want to remember. It’s about sharing what I’ve seen to other people who may not know about a place or event, and documenting my life. I don’t really take photos of myself, but I have done some portrait photography for friends, and let me tell you, it is *definitely* posed, you take at least 10+ photos to get one good picture, then you edit the *bleep* out of it for that one perfect image. It takes time. It’s not something I enjoy doing all the time, but I think people are caught up in presenting an picture-perfect (pun intended) image of themselves because of today’s society.

      What bothers me is when people post complaining statuses every day on facebook like “this stranger was so rude and bumped into me on a busy sidewalk”. That’s a whole ‘nother rant on its own though…

    10. Anonomo*

      I was like this a few years ago. My husband was working 60+ hour weeks (evenings no less) while living thousands of miles from our families and it was a great way for him/grandma to keep up/feel part of mine and the kids’ lives. Since he’s changed shifts and can join in, I dont post as much to fb (still doing a few dozen instas a month though) but Im always behind my camera still since its become fairly easy to grab a great shot or two while the kids do their thing. I know a few others who do it as a sort of baby book, tagging their kids and what not, and a few who do it to show off or who need to cope, but Im not generally too bothered by it since I was one of those annoying friends too lol

    11. Sparkly Lady*

      Unfortunately, that seems to be part of what’s required for effective social media promotion of art. Or at least, that seems to be what people think is required. It’s very common among my performer friends, although with varying degrees of actual success.

      It is artificial and weird. I’ve tried to do it in the past because I need to promote my performances better. But I just can’t get into it.

      1. Yay Fall*

        Yes, this. I’m in a creative field and use Instagram to promote my work. My posts get pushed back if I don’t post consistently, and fewer post views means less traction for my account and overall work. So it’s not really about post quality (although that definitely counts for something) and more about quantity. It’s terrible and we all hate it. If I run out of photos related to my work, up go random pictures that I try to tie into my feed.
        But if it’s a random person’s Instagram and they’re just posting everything to the point they’re interrupting a nice moment, I also don’t understand this. Just live your life.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      I wonder how people find the time to read all these posts. I read maybe 30-40% of AAM and consider that a huge success. Then I have to go do life things and do not have time for other online things. I log in to FB about once a year and say to myself, “Gee, I should probably do something here.” Then I get overwhelmed and log out.

    13. UndeadInOhio*

      I think it’s the mindset of a certain kind of artist, regardless of their medium. Neil Gaiman has said in interviews, and this is a paraphrase, that he’s only experiencing 90% of his life; 10% of him is always hanging back, observing, noting, narrating. And he worries that it might interfere with some of his relationships, but he doesn’t know how to stop and be 100% in the moment. He’s not even sure if it’s possible.

      Going to bother me now that I can’t find the interviews. But, he’s said it at least twice. And I remember an interview with Meryl Streep mentioning something similar: that ever since she was five years old, there is a part of her that’s her own audience. No matter what she’s doing to who she’s talking to, she’s always *also* playing to the Audience Merryl inside her head.

      It’s interesting, because now with social media, I think we might be seeing just how many people have this aspect. Since it’s sort of a private thing, somebody’s way of seeing and engaging with reality, it would only ever have come up in interviews of famous artists or celebrities. But now we get to see, in real time, how many people find it valuable to dedicate much of their mental space to observing their life at a bit of a distance, rather than living in it. I don’t know how many people are one way or the other, but I think it’s neat to find out.

    14. neverjaunty*

      You’re following her on social media. It seems a little off to complain how much she does it?

    15. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I confess that I tweet a lot during my day about all kinds of things and we take lots of photos of spontaneous things as they happen to share with far-flung friends and family so they get a glimpse of our daily lives. Zero curation or filters, though, unless we want a half decent group picture to remember a visit with friends we don’t see for years. It’s just literally snapping pics of the kid being silly or random things like that.

      A relative does more of the stuff along the lines you’re talking about though, crafting images to project a specific chic image on their Instagram and I can’t tell if it bugs me because I think they are superficial generally or if it’s this behavior that irritates me.

    16. AdAgencyChick*

      My sister-in-law is like this and it drives the whole family insane. No one is allowed to taste a bite of a meal until she’s photographed it for social media.

      My niece tells me that my brother recently took the two of them out for a celebratory meal, and the very first thing he did when the entree arrived was to jam his fork into it. When sister-in-law complained, my brother told her he just wanted to enjoy a meal out with his family and why did she have to ruin it by making it a show for Facebook? Boy, would I have loved to be a fly on the wall at that meal.

  9. Orphan Brown*

    Wondering your collective thoughts about a solution that I’m worried seems cold and calculating. In my marriage my partner has repeatedly brought up that I’m the less affectionate of us and that he needs more from me in order to feel fulfilled. As an introvert I bring up that I need my alone time in order to feel the same. But I don’t want him to feel unloved. I downloaded an app about creating and maintaining habits, related to fitness the other day. (Wanted to start a habit of doing a 30 second plank every day). It’s really simple, a checklist that reminds you to check off your habit at the frequency you designate.

    I entered a couple new habits. Show verbal, and then physical appreciation for my partner, every day of the week. Since adding in the habit on my app, I’ve been much more successful at meeting my partner’s basic needs around affection.

    But I’m keeping the habit app to myself because I feel it comes across as very cold. It’s not my intent so I’m wondering how this all sounds to you. (I’m a woman, husband is a man, in case that matters)

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      Sounds OK to me, but I haven’t been in a relationship for awhile; not the best advice-giver.

    2. Cosette*

      After three decades of marriage, hubby and I recently went through a course to learn our temperaments. It was very enlightening and explains so much! I am like you and he is like your partner. It has helped him to learn that my desire to have some alone time is NOT a reflection on him but is just my need to re-energize from work, social functions, etc. I think your new habits is a good idea. I think it’s ok to let your partner know you are really making an effort to meet his needs better. Whether you mention it’s an app that is helping… I don’t know. I think it comes across as resourceful, but then I tend to be more like you so I may not be the best judge! I just applaud you for making the effort. But also do let him know that it is likely just part of your process to have that alone time sometimes.. .it really isn’t personal! Look up information on the five temperaments to learn more.

    3. AnonyCat*

      Sometimes slightly silly things work. A year or two ago, I got tired of having road rage (the yelling-in-my-car kind, not the dangerous-to-others kind) and decided to pretend that every driver I saw doing stupid stuff was trying to get to the hospital. Even when this is obviously untrue, it helps me keep my temper far better than I’d ever hoped.

      1. Cosette*

        HA! I learned this one from a friend: When other drivers are driving crazy like this, I just wave and say, “Hope you get there, friend!”

      3. Marion Ravenwood*

        I do an equivalent of this getting annoyed at people on the underground. It does require you to be conscious of the thoughts and recognise them to ‘reset’, but it’s definitely helped me to feel less frustrated, especially in a city with so many tourists where people may not know how the system works.

      4. Kat in VA*

        This is a great idea.

        Unfortunately for me, the rage I get is people on their phones. In front of me, next to me, behind me. The ones in front I can tell are on their phones because their heads are tilted, or I can see their eyelids in their rearview (usually in stop and go).

        The people randomly and lazily wandering in and out of their lanes – on their phones. The person coming up WAY too fast behind me when I’m at a dead stop – on their phone. The person in front of me maintaining a five car gap in bumper to bumper traffic – on their phone, and maintaining the gap so they can keep one eye on their phone and one on the road.

        Infuriating.

      5. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I have been trying to compose a bumper sticker and maybe the commentariat can help get it right…
        “Drive like they all have migraines. ”

        And the hospital thing is a good one…I know one hard-head who drove himself to the hospital because he was having a heart attack. The ER read him the riot act and he thought it was funny. Grr.

    4. Red Reader*

      I have considered doing similar, but not actually put into practice for similar concerns.

    5. Loopy*

      I think the fact that you took the effort outweighs any “coldness” of using an app to do so. Obviously you care enough to put in the work and hear and respect your partners needs. My partner is more like you and out relationship only works because I understand if he’s not affectionate as I might like it’s part of his personality/who he is, not a sign of our relationship having issues.

      But I guess it varies. I know I’d be more touched than put off, personally.

      1. Orphan Brown*

        Thanks, this is nice to hear. Just have to think about whether I’ll share about the app or not.

        1. Ron McDon*

          I probably wouldn’t – I feel like it could be misconstrued as ‘oh, so you have to schedule reminders to show me affection?’ – you will know if your husband is likely to take this tack or applaud your resourcefulness!

          I personally think the app is good way to remember to do something that doesn’t come naturally, but sometimes people focus too much on doing things ‘off your own bat’ without needing to be reminded, you know?

          Has your husband noticed you making more of an effort?

          1. SpellingBee*

            Yeah, I agree, probably best to keep it to yourself at least for now. My guess is that soon it will become more natural (after all, the app’s purpose is to help you start new habits) and you won’t rely on it anymore. But you know your husband best, and if he’d find it endearing or would be offended. The fact that you’re hesitating over telling him makes me think you think it might be the latter.

          2. Orphan Brown*

            He notices and appreciates the difference but I don’t want to negate the positive outcomes in case there’s a chance he takes it the wrong way.

          3. Not So NewReader*

            If he catches you with the app, just tell him that you had to do something to keep yourself on track because he means that much to you, you didn’t want to mess it up so you got this app.

            Right now I would not tell him unless he asks. My reason has nothing to do with “what will he think/say” but rather, you need time to sort this new habit out. Give yourself the alone time you need, you know, that quiet time in your head to sort it. (Introverts need that time to think things through. I happen to know this ;) ) I think you will be most convincing if you don’t tell your friends what you are doing, then you can say that he is the only one who knows you got this app.)

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          So this was legit just a plot point in the new season of The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon was scheduling sex into his honeymoon with Amy and she got mad. He basically said that he was afraid he wouldn’t provide for her needs since he wasn’t a very physical person and she told him to go ahead and use all the schedules he wanted, but don’t tell her about it.

          1. Orphan Brown*

            Ha. This is funny to me because we actually do have to schedule time for sex. But that’s a mutually agreeable thing with two kids and busy lives. The habits I’m trying to ingrain are more of the cuddly romantic stuff.

            1. Observer*

              Well, a lot of people get very offended by the idea of scheduling sex because “you should just want to do it”. But, as you note that just doesn’t work for a lot of people who really do love each other.

              The app you’re using is much the same thing. You know that you can’t use your own meter to gauge if you’ve done sufficient X because you have a different level of need, so you are using something that will help you tick it up to a more acceptable level. As long as the hugs etc. that you provide are sincere, it doesn’t matter how you reached that point.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I think it’s one of those things that the effect is good, and you don’t need to explain to your partner the details. Whether that’s an app or asking your assistant to remind you. “But Blake is so efficient! He’s great at this stuff!” Sometimes you don’t need to conduct a tour of the sausage factory underlying your actions.

    7. Lehigh*

      I think it’s totally fine.

      I understand why you’d rather be meeting your partner’s desires instinctively, but compare it to any other healthy practice. Wouldn’t you rather be a person who does spontaneous exercise out of sheer enthusiasm than someone who has to schedule gym time (or your 30 second daily plank)?

      Sure. That sounds great. But, more often than not, scheduling is what actually gets things done.

    8. Slartibartfast*

      What app? I could use something like that, for similar reasons. And I wouldn’t tell Mr. S personally, he just doesn’t get that I can’t remember to not forget things.

      1. Book Lover*

        You can use habitica for this kind of thing.

        I actually put everything on a reminder – when I need to exercise the cat and so on. I think it is a good idea – it is the thought that counts, not that you have to remember to do everything without a prompt.

      2. Orphan Brown*

        The app I’m using is called HabitBull. The free version only allows 5 habits at a time, which I think is plenty. It’s less of a task list and more to help me form healthy habits. Ideally I won’t need it in the future.

    9. Penguin*

      I don’t think it’s cold, no; you’re trying to work with him to help him fill his needs! That’s a good thing!

      If you haven’t yet, you might also try reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. While I object to much of the book for personal reasons, the section specifically outlining how different people receive and express love and other emotions in particular ways can be a very helpful introduction to the idea. From what you’ve said, it sounds like your partner receives love in a way that you do not express it; figuring out that disconnect might be helpful. Specifically, if both of you can learn how each shows and receives love, he can learn to see the love you express even if it’s not in his primary “language” while at the same time you can learn to express love in a way that he is more naturally receptive to. (And vice versa, for that matter!)

      1. Orphan Brown*

        I just took this quiz the other day! My languages are apparently acts of service and words. If I have to guess for my husband it’s physical touch and words (I don’t remember if those are the exact categories but something like that. ) I should read the book.

    10. epi*

      I think this is a really sweet, smart idea. You might also be interested in the Captain Awkward post linked in my username– it’s an old one I reread recently because this is hard for me too.

      One way to think of this is that often, we practice in order to build a habit or make sure to do something until it feels natural to us. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to do that thing, quite the opposite. For example, in dialectical behavior therapy you might have homework to schedule time to meditate– but the meditation will still work and the idea is not for you to have homework for the rest of your life. Or if you go to the gym, you’ll also make it easier to carry your laundry up the stairs without even thinking about it.

      For what it’s worth, I would be very touched if someone made this type of effort for me.

      1. Orphan Brown*

        Oh I really enjoyed reading that. Because it also references friendships as a way to get comfortable speaking like that. Who doesn’t like to be appreciated, friend or lover?

        Yes I think I’ll need to think about it as temporary until I form the habit naturally. And maybe reframe this from cold to something else more kind.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You can think along the lines of “demonstrative” or “reconnecting.”
          I like the idea of reconnecting, because life can tug at partners, pulling them this way and that way, any direction but CLOSE to each other. Partners pretty much have to deliberately reconnect. This can be little reconnects here and there and it can be longer reconnects like taking time just to be together such as the weekend or a vacation.
          Perhaps it would be helpful to think of it as a way to keep a strong connection to your hubby.

    11. Parenthetically*

      I think it sounds awesome and not at all cold, because it’s a way that works with your brain/personality/style to improve your relationship and give your husband what he’s craving. I HATE the way we culturally demand spontaneity in demonstrating affection.

      My dad, who is very type-A (INTJ/Enneagram 1, for those who are into those things) used to set himself a daily numerical goal of hugs and affectionate/encouraging words for each member of the family. It meant we all felt super loved, and he built the habit over time to the point that he stopped thinking of the number because it became part of his routine.

      1. LAMM*

        As a not super affectionate person, I really love your dad’s method. I’m going to consider implementing something similar for myself!

    12. LilySparrow*

      I think that sounds like a lovely, generous, thoughtful way to be intentional about your marriage. Whether or not to share about the app depends on where you are in your relationship right now.

      Generally speaking, if someone is feeling depleted or distant, or like their needs are going unmet for a long time, it becomes harder to see loving gestures in the way they are intended. Whereas, when you feel thoroughly loved and secure, it’s easy to see and feel love from your partner, even if it’s not exactly what you would choose at that moment. And it takes a little while to rebuild that “reserve” of love and security.

      For example, if I’m missing my husband and feeling lonely, I’ll get annoyed if he’s out washing the car instead of spending time with me. But if I’m in-balance, I’ll think it’s so sweet that he’s washing the car *for me.*

      I’d say, wait until he says or shows you that he noticed the change in your affection level, and appreciates it, and you can tell he’s feeling secure and happy with it. Then it will come across the right way, as you going the extra mile to make sure he knows how much you care.

      Honestly, I don’t think it’s cold at all. I’m getting a little verklempt writing about it.

      There’s a myth that love just naturally flows, and if everything goes right (in ways that are totally beyond your control) you have a good relationship. But if you have to make deliberate choices or get help, it doesn’t “count”.

      That’s chemistry, not love. Love is all about choices.

    13. Not A Manager*

      I think this is a wonderfully loving thing to do! You heard what your partner had to say, you took his feelings seriously, and you are working to change your behavior in order to provide something he needs. I think this is the opposite of cold and calculating.

      The fact that this is contrary to your own general instincts and so you are consciously finding ways to accommodate him is MORE evidence of good will and love, not less, in my opinion.

      Whether to share this with him or not, I don’t know. It is possible that someone could hear this as “I don’t really love you enough to do this spontaneously so I put it on my chore chart.” Or they could hear it as “I love you so much that I’m willing to work really hard to be sure I’m giving you what you need.” You’re in the best position to predict his likely response.

    14. King Friday XIII*

      I personally think that’s super romantic but I can see why you wouldn’t be comfortable bringing it up, either.

    15. Wishing You Well*

      You sound like a very thoughtful person.
      Your app is just a tool to establish a new habit. It’s no different than writing yourself a note or any other reminder device. I think you’re doing just fine!

    16. I'm A Little Teapot*

      It sounds like you’re trying to navigate some pretty basic differences in personality as best you can.

    17. Chaordic One*

      I can understand your worries about seeming cold, but if it is working I’d keep doing it, and “no,” your husband (and anyone else) doesn’t need to know about this.

      Everyone needs a little help now and this app sounds like a tool or a hack that is helping both of you, so don’t feel bad about it, don’t knock it and don’t knock yourself.

    18. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Cold would be saying showing affection isn’t your thing so suck it up, buttercup.

      You went out of your way to find a reliable method to ensure you’d provide what he asked for without his having to ask or bug you about it and feel doubly unloved. That’s showing love in spades, in my book.

      I don’t know how he’d interpret it but I personally would be tickled pink to hear someone had tackled a problem head on like this.

    19. OldJules*

      As a spouse who needs regular affection, I don’t think it’s cold or calculative. I think it’s rather sweet if my husband would do something like that. He’s very introverted and private. Plus we have so much going on in our life, we’d get distracted.

    20. Orphan Brown*

      You’ve all been really gentle and kind with me this weekend. Thank you for all your input. I’m going to keep on keeping on with establishing this habit in this way <3

      1. Anon this time*

        I am like you in every way you’ve noted, including using reminders to help address these issues. In my case, my wife (who is v like your husband) does know about my lists and reminders. I told her because she needed to know that I was making a solid effort, and fortunately she is well enough across how my brain functions that she wasn’t offended by it – she was happy that I was taking her seriously.

        Of course she would prefer that I were spontaneously affectionate in the ways she liked. I would prefer that she were spontaneously affectionate in the ways that I like too. But the fact is that one of us is more likely to be spontaneously sweet and romantic and one of us is likely to spontaneously pick up extra chores so the other gets some much-needed rest, because those are the ways in which we’re programmed. We both have to cut each other some slack and learn to be better at asking for what we need too. It’s a long process.

        I will also note that I find it very hard to focus on romantical stuff (or anything else relaxing or pleasant) when there are tasks that need to be done. My wife has learned that I am more available for her kind of affection when she helps more around the house. It’s not a reward system by any means, and I’ve been careful about that because I don’t want a built-in expectation, but it’s a pretty straightforward equation: fewer tasks = more relaxation time = I have more spoons for her. Same applies for alone time, too.

        All this to say: it’s good and right that you are trying to give your husband what he needs, but he needs to give to get. If you and I are as similar as it seems, it is hard to ask for what you need and enforce those boundaries. But if he provides some additional acts of service for you – and not just right now, but in the long-term – you will have more resources to provide him with the kinds of affection that he finds most important. Anything else is one-sided and therefore unsustainable.

        Good luck!

        1. Orphan Brown*

          We do sound very similar! In terms of acts of service being our love language, and having less to do around the house allowing us more to offer our spouses. I’m in a maternity period right now so he’s stepping it up with acts of service, but I’d like to find a more sustainable long term plan for how he could meet my needs as well. But for now, I’m happy to just work on my end.

    21. SS Express*

      I think it’s genius! I’m very affectionate and generally thought of as a nice and thoughtful person, while my husband, although loving, is pretty cold. I’ve often said he should set himself reminders to buy me flowers and pay me compliments, or google “romantic things to do for your wife”. It doesn’t come naturally to him and that’s fine – it’s just about recognising that it’s important to me and putting in the effort to meet that need one way or another.

  10. Ruth (UK)*

    What do you do when you’re in a cafe or similar on your own and need the toilet? Do you leave you bag/stuff to mark your place but take your valuables? Hope the unfinished drink etc is enough but risk it getting cleared away? Something else? I have scribbled a note on a napkin before.

    I often goes to cafes alone and need the loo more than a lot of people (I have a bladder condition). In very small independent places that can only sit 10 osh people at once or so I’ve been able to inform the person working “just going to the loo” or something but what about in bigger places or chains like Starbucks or cafe Nero?

    I’ve done various things and it’s usually fine but sometimes I’ve lost my table or even lost my drink!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        The blessing of living in New England–most of the year, you’re carrying a coat or sweater.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’ll usually take everything, as I don’t like surprises or leaving things to chance. I don’t usually spend that long at a coffee shop, and I have an iron bladder, but in your case I’d probably just take everything with me, including my cup. You might lose your table, but then that’s pretty unavoidable, unless you’re willing to leave and risk a personal effect, like a hat or scarf, to mark the table as occupied. Or if there’s someone at the same (presumably large) table who just sat down, I’d probably ask them if the’ll be there for a few minutes, if they say yes tell them I’ll be right back, and leave just my drink. But I grew up in NYC, where people talk to strangers quite readily, that solution might not be for everyone.

      1. Kuododi*

        I’m in the US and I am more often than not with DH, or taking my mother out to get her out of the house if she’s having a good day so I really don’t encounter that problem often but it does occur to me that asking the server in my section to not have your table cleared…. just going to the restroom….. would be a practical way to approach the problem. :)

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Starbucks, like it or not, tends to set the tone for chain coffeehouses, and the ones in my area at least generally don’t even bus the tables unless they’ve had crap on them for quite a while. So it’s rare to see an employee out from behind the counter in some of them. But that would be my first instinct — in fact, if I was within a few feet of the counter, I’d probably tell an employee there that I was going to be right back.

        2. Ruth (UK)*

          Yeah, if there was an employee around, I would do that but often there isn’t anyone available to ask. These places rarely have anyone clearing/cleaning tables in a regular way, but more like the person behind the counter darting out to clean when it’s really bad (but mostly busy behind the counter). Most of the places I go have the sort of ‘please clear your table when you’re done’ type signs (I go to Gregg’s a lot) and a place to put your tray, so cleaning tends to only happen if there’s a specific mess/spill.

    3. Rosemary7391*

      I’ve had success asking the person next to me if they’d mind my stuff. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone say no!

      2. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

        Yes, this! Pick someone who looks trustworthy, and looks like they’ll still be there in ten minutes, and just ask them. Depending on which city you’re in, the UK stereotype for politeness may be in even stronger effect.
        (Having said that, don’t be naive and leave a £500+ phone lying around – the person you ask may be strustworthy, but I wouldn’t want to ask them to actually confront a thief if it was grabbed before they could stop it happening)

    4. yeine*

      I often take my most valuable stuff out of my bag but leave the actual bag there. If you’d like my bag filled with a bag of doritos, two reusuable bags, and a book, by all means!

      I sometimes go to the cafe to write, and I use a tablet and a bluetooth keyboard. Sometimes I’ll take everything *but* the keyboard.

      1. epi*

        Same, I leave something personal but valueless. I will only leave my laptop and stuff (asking someone to keep an eye on it) if I’m settled in and planning to be there for a while longer, e.g. at the library.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      It depends. Generally, I try to hold it until just before I leave, and then I take everything with me. If I need to go mid-drink, I take my handbag or valuables but leave my coat and/or work bag (which doesn’t contain sensitive documents or technology – I’m talking more like my water bottle, sandwich box, office shoes etc. Things which would be annoying if they got nicked but not the end of the world) on the chair. I’ve had reasonable success with asking people on nearby tables to watch my stuff as well.

      In a pub, one thing I find works is popping a beer mat on top of my drink – apparently this is code that you’ve gone for a cigarette, but as a non-smoker it’s also good for needing to nip to the loo. I don’t think there’s a cafe/coffee shop equivalent to that though.

    6. LilySparrow*

      If I’m alone, Im usually reading a book or writing/taking notes in a notebook. I’ll leave my notebook and pen (and jacket, if I have one) with my drink.

    7. tangerineRose*

      I wouldn’t leave my drink unattended or any of my stuff. I’d rather lose the table.

    10. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sadly, here, anything of value (include coats) that you leave at a table gets stolen – even if you just go up for a refill. Huge problem with laptop theft for anyone sitting by the door who even turns their back, and forget working outside on it – they ride up on bikes and take them from your hands. So I’d be nervous. I did find that my teapot and cup with bag were still there when I got back, but I’d taken “everything” that I would have had to pay to replace. When I got back, the police were there to take the report on the laptop theft of the guy across from me. (I hadn’t realized it had been stolen just before I arrived). Of course, I’m in a place where the homeless live in the park across the street from that coffee shop year round. I now meet friends further afield.

    11. Lissa*

      I am probably really unsafe about this – I leave a sweater and my drink out, if I’m going to the bathroom, and everything even laptop if I’m ordering a drink and can see the table. I have an extremely overactive bladder so it’s just…I like to be able to relax. TBH the thought of somebody in a daytime coffee shop near where I live managing to go to my table, take the lid off, put something in it and replace the lid seems extreeeemely unlikely, like yes it’s technically possible but so are all sorts of things and I’m not going to change my life for them either. And if someone takes my sweater I’d be annoyed but consider it a tax on all the many many times I do this.

    12. ..Kat..*

      I always go to the toilet first, even if I don’t really have to go yet. This usually works for me. I just don’t trust that anything I leave will be there when I get back.

    13. MeM*

      Maybe, since you do this a lot, you could write a note “Be right back” and leave it on the table. Just keep the note permanently in your purse so you can whip it out when needed.

  11. TL -*

    Washing dishes!
    I currently live in NZ and I’ve noticed a lot of Kiwis (including my flatmate) don’t rinse soap off the dishes after they’ve washed them. This drives me crazy – I swear I can taste the soap, and whether I actually can or not, once I know it’s not been rinsed, I will taste it. The Kiwis I’ve talked to about this say it’s not a big deal as long as you set the dishes so the soap bubbles slide off.

    (It’s not a problem with my flatmate – I took over doing this dishes as it’s a chore I don’t mind/enjoy and he travels about 75% of the time but pays 50% of the bills.)

    Do you rinse the soap off dishes? Do you not? I had never considered that people deliberately wouldn’t until I moved here!

    1. Slartibartfast*

      I can taste the soap. If I’m hand washing I rinse. But mostly they go in the dishwasher.

    2. Red Reader*

      I don’t… Why on earth would you NOT rinse the soap off? I mean, you’re standing at the sink already, just *fssh* and you’re done.

      1. TL -*

        My thoughts precisely!
        This is also why I don’t let houseguests do dishes at my place – they always offer but I don’t want to correct them when they’re doing me a favor or have to rinse/rewash everything.

      3. Cristina in England*

        It isn’t clean unless you rinse the soap away, because the soap picks up the dirt. That’s literally how soap works. The soap sticks to the dirt and the water washes it away. If you don’t rinse, it isn’t only soap on the dishes but whatever scum you are trying to get rid of!!

    4. BeeJiddy*

      I’m a Kiwi, and can confim that most people I know don’t rinse off the soap. I do because I think dishes dry quicker with a blast of hot water but I understand why people don’t. A lot of people have tiny single sinks here so it’s a pain to do, and some are conscious about water usage I think. I can’t taste soap on dishes, even on drinking glasses, so it never really bothered me. I also drink Auckland water straight from the tap though so I’m clearly not a super taster, haha.

      1. TL -*

        I stack my dirty dishes to the side of my sink, fill it 1/3-1/2 way up with soapy water, clean the dishes and rinse, adding the rinse water to the sink. If the sink gets full, the water is usually dirty enough that it needs to changed out (although if it’s not, I’ll just drain a little bit.) For 2 people, it’s a little bit more effort than in my mother’s big 2.5 basin sink but not a whole bunch. For 3+ people, it’d probably be quite difficult.

        The Kiwis who tell me you can’t taste the soap, I always file away as “you’ve always tasted the soap so of course you don’t notice” though :)

        1. Nerdgal*

          I’m American and always rinse. Once, years ago, I made a pot of coffee for some friends and one of them said she could taste soap. I was mortified, dumped the coffee, re-washed, re-rinsed, and have been careful ever since. My friend was right; once I tasted the coffee, it was terrible!

        2. BeeJiddy*

          Yeah, that is similar to what I do, though we also pay for water in Auckland so I try not to change out the water unless absolutely necessary. Having said that, most nights my partner and I will do the dishes together so they get dried straight away. I’ve become the designated washer because he uses so much dish liquid and it creates billows of suds that are impossible to dry away.

          I lived in the US for a few years and used to come up against things all the time that were so minor but so weird to me so I get it. I do miss the double sinks though.

          1. TL -*

            Most of the little things I can just file away as cultural differences – like not sitting/leaning on tables. It’s different but really no impact on me.
            But some things – paying rent weekly, rinsing off soap – just impact your life so much even though they’re so small! It’s really funny what bugs me and what doesn’t.

      2. Sc@rlettNZ*

        BeeJiddy – fellow kiwi here. I also don’t rinse dishes (nor does anyone else I know, although I hardly wash dishes by hand now). But growing up, no, rinsing the dishes off wasn’t a thing we did. I can’t taste any difference either (and I also drink the tap water, but in Dunedin :-) ).

    6. Wow!*

      This thread is blowing my mind! People really don’t rinse? How can you tell if you missed a spot? Maybe I’m just a not great washer, though.

      1. TL -*

        I mostly hang around uni students, so my impression would be that they just don’t care *that* much about cleanliness. Which is deeply unfair to all the adult Kiwis who probably do care quite a bit.
        (That being said, my flatmate is awesome about being clean/contributing to the household.)

      3. Rosemary7391*

        I usually swirl it around in the sink so it doesn’t have loads of soap on it, but most things aren’t that dirty. Greasy baking dishes are an exception. Also texture – should be a smooth surface.

        I rinse glasses and mugs but don’t usually bother with plates etc. Sink would get full of cold water or I’d waste energy and water keeping the hot tap running. So I just do the glasses first and rinse them while it’s still filling up. Of course, most plates now get put in the dishwasher which solves that problem entirely!

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          This brings new level of OH HELL NO to potlucks and meal trains.

          This gags me more than cat’s on the counter and dogs licking plates. (Those two things don’t bother me)

          Probably because I had to wash glassware in an an organic chem lab. Now I why the prof was such a fiend to know if you could rinse or not.

          I know. Americans over the top everything.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I rarely hand-wash dishes, but I am very meticulous about it. When it comes up, I rinse very thoroughly, and make sure they’re 100% dry before stacking them, because I HATE the smell of mildew. Even when we use our dishwashing machine at home, I usually open it, shake the excess water off the tops of everything, and leave the racks fully extended for an hour or so after it’s done so that everything is completely dry.

      Then again, I also make sure to put the clean dishes on the BOTTOM of the stack, because otherwise you’re just using the same 2 or 3 plates or bowls over and over again! But my partner thinks this is crazy — but they also put away stuff while wet, which is why I usually empty the dishwasher. :)

      1. TL -*

        “I HATE the smell of mildew” … New Zealand is not the country for you.

        I’m not so meticulous about dishes, but I do want them reasonably dry and checked for soap after washing and for any dirty spots both after washing and when they’re being put up. Luckily, we do end up using all of our dishes.

    8. MatKnifeNinja*

      What type of dish soap are they using?

      If it’s one of those organic dish soaps, maybe…maybe I could see not rinsing them. Like you are trail hiking/back packing. If you are using the general full of dyes/perfume/true chemicals, I can not image rinsing that totally off.

      Is water that dear there? My brain went boom trying to figure out why you would not rinse.

      1. TL -*

        I wouldn’t think organic dish soaps are any safer/less safe to consume than regular ones. Organic definitely should not be assumed to be safer to consume.

      2. Jenny F. Scientist*

        It’s still soap. Like, lye plus oil. (Or chemical surfactants produced from organic sources; same idea.) Whether your oils were organic or not, it’s still a true chemical, I promise you! You’re still eating soap! Gleeeeech.

    10. Extra Vitamins*

      Ugh! Soap works by detaching dirt from things and sticking the dirt TO ITSELF. Rinsing the soap rinses the dirt/food away. I am grimacing thinking about this.

    11. Marion Ravenwood*

      I rinse them if I’m hand washing, mainly because husband claims he can taste the soap. (I can’t, but it’s a small enough thing that it’s easier just to rinse and let it go.) That said, it’s definitely not a common thing to rinse here in the UK.

      If the plates are going in the dishwasher, I rinse off the worst of the food before they go in.

    12. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I just talked to Jolie Kerr (Ask a Clean Person) about this earlier this week! (I was recording an upcoming episode of my podcast with her.) She said that not rinsing soap off completely can cause intestinal distress.

      1. Willow*

        I live in the UK, have never rinsed a dish in my life, and my intestines are just fine. I’ve done alright for 42 years so I don’t think I’ll change just because the Americans are appalled. ;)

          1. TL -*

            There is a lot of overlap between NZ and American dish soaps, so that is not the case here. (We use palmolive in my household.)

            Most likely people just have a tolerance for it.

          1. Natalie*

            No one’s entirely sure but the primary theories are about kitchen design. Either the fact that most English kitchens had single sinks (rather than double) and/or that they lacked mixer faucets.

      2. Kim, Ranavain*

        Yeah! This is what I was taught as a kid; that consuming soap will irritate your stomach and give you diarrhea. Never occurred to me not to!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. ditto here. Additionally if an inspector for a restaurant/other food place ever caught someone not rinsing it would be a bfd.

      3. Chaordic One*

        Yes, I’ve often heard that not rinsing soap off of dishes can cause diarrhea.

        (In a related note, I’ve heard that certain pet food companies put a small amount of soap in their pet food to prevent the pets from becoming constipated.)

        1. Natalie*

          I rather doubt that. Pet foods have to list ingredients just like people food does.

          Some dog foods contain glycerin, which is a byproduct of soapmaking, but it’s there as a sweetener and binder.

      4. Mephyle*

        I read somewhere once an anecdote about how a British person exposed to food on rinsed dishes felt that there was an indefinable something missing from the flavour of all the food (perhaps they were visiting the US – I don’t remember the details of the story). When they ate food on soapy dishes again (as I would call them, being a rinse person), that flavour element was restored. It was then that they or maybe it was someone else identified the ‘something’ as soap.
        Of course this story may be apocryphal. Or not.

    13. The Mayor*

      Really, you cannot save enough on NOT rinsing in hot water to justify possible soapy taste/intestinal issues. RINSE PLEASE!

    14. Jen RO*

      I’m not American and my mind is blown at the idea that some people don’t rinse. It just feels so *wrong* to me.

    15. Hrovitnir*

      Haha, I’m a NZer and I was genuinely confused about how one would even rinse dishes without refilling your sink constantly until someone mentioned double sinks. I don’t think I know anyone who would even think of rinsing dishes as a rule. A majority of people have dishwashers now, of course, but we don’t – and there’s always some hand-washing.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Growing up we had a single sink in the kitchen. My mother used a dish pan (a plastic, rectangular shaped tub) and the rinse water would be directed down between the pan and the side of the sink. No one I know uses dish pans now because they have a double sink or they have a dishwasher.

      2. dish rinser*

        German here. I’ve never had a double sink but have always rinsed my dishes! In my family you rinse dishes under running cold water, and you are trained to do it very fast so as not to waste water. Then you place the dishes on a drying rack. (You also pay for your household’s water use in Germany.)

    16. Parenthetically*

      I absolutely rinse and always have, and can also confirm that about 50% of my Aussie friends do NOT — dishes go from a sink full of bubbles to the person drying them! I was horrified the first time I saw it happen and got roundly teased for caring. There’s 100% definitely still soap on those dishes. Yuck.

      1. CatMintCat*

        I’m Australian, live on the edge of the Outback, and have never met anybody who would waste water by rinsing the soap off dishes. That’s what the teatowel is for! Water is expensive, and we don’t waste it.

        I’m 59 years old, and haven’t died from it yet.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          So how are you billed for water? How much do you pay?

          In communities here, there is an initial amount you pay X dollars for Y amount of water. It’s fairly generous if a person is not wasteful, like watering their lawns 24/7. Then after that you pay per 1000 gallons of water that you use.

          Small communities like mine that don’t have water meters, you pay a given amount every six months. I pay just under $250 for water.

          1. TL -*

            Doing some quick and dirty internet math (never paid water bills in Australia!) looks like the ‘typical’ Australia 4 person family would pay about $900USD/yr for water+usage fees. Figures from the USA 2012 rates show it would range from about $180/yr in Illinois to $600/yr in Seattle (ironically the most expensive) for a ‘normal use’ family home, with fees all incorporated.
            I’d expect it to be a little more expensive now, but not too much more.

          2. catMintCat*

            I live in an area with no natural water supply and low rainfall. Our water comes from the irrigation scheme,treated and raw, and occasional rainfall. For our household of three adults, we pay about $100 per week for water usage. It would be more, but we have a rainwater tank for the laundry (which doesn’t always have water in it, it’s dry right now) and raw water (which costs less) connected to th3 garden and toilet.

            I don’t run the tap when I clean my teeth either (another thing which often surprises Americans). My mother would haun5 me if I started doing that or rinsing dishes that are already clean.

            Water is a Great Big Deal here.

            1. TL -*

              Americans are taught not to run the water while brushing their teeth – I grew up in a drought-ridden area and it was taught in my school, enforced by my parents, and all over the TV/outreach media.

              It’s not be as strictly enforced in more water-ful areas but it’s one of the most common water-saving tips given in America; I’m really surprised people are surprised by others doing it!

              1. jojobeans*

                No, we are not. Not necessarily, at least not in areas where water is not scarce – I grew up in the Midwest and had *never* even considered turning the tap off while brushing my teeth or washing my hands until a particularly environmentally-conscious friend in college opened my eyes to this.

                1. TL -*

                  Oh, that’s fascinating! I’ve seen it advertised on TV in both Texas and Boston when water restrictions are on – mind you, water restrictions are *always* on in Texas, but rarely in Boston, so maybe people don’t notice as much there and I just assumed they did.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              $100 per week for water? That is incredible. I mean I believe you of course but that is mind boggling to me.
              So everything must be expensive as businesses have to pass the cost on to the consumer. If there are many businesses that is…

              Can I ask what general area you are in?

              1. CatMintCat*

                Far Western NSW. Not many businesses at all – it’s a farming/grazing area. I’m a teacher.

        2. ThatGirl*

          But there’s soap on the dishes! I truly do not understand. You rinse soap off your hands, don’t you?

          1. Soap is not edible*

            This is the response i was trying to think of! How about shampoo?

            Like a pp said, soap attracts the dirt, you have to remove the soap to remove the dirt.

            Am from a severe drought climate, so i dont get the “we pay for water” rationale. Its rare not to pay for water.

            1. ThatGirl*

              Yes I do not live in a drought climate but I still pay for water. It’s not crazy expensive but roughly $250 a year.

              1. Someone Else*

                I do live in a drought climate, and about 80% of my water bill is fees and taxes just for having the service connected. My water bill is usually around $35 a month. It’d be something like $28 even if I never turned on a tap. I do not understand the notion presented elsewhere in thread of not rinsing soap as a water saving measure. It defeats the purpose of having the water for washing. Certainly, don’t leave it running while brushing teeth (that’s literally just water down the drain), but rinsing serves an actual purpose. It’s using the water, not wasting it. If the roommates really want to make a dent, turn the shower on for 10 seconds, do all their self-washing, then rinse til the soap/shampoo’s gone, rather than having the shower on the entire time they’re in there. That’d make a much bigger difference than eating soap.

    18. ..Kat..*

      USA here. I always rinse. I still remember the time camping when the person washing the dishes did not rinse well. We all got diarrhea. Even less fun when you don’t have a bathroom because we were roughing it.

      Apparently not all dish soaps cause diarrhea. But I can taste the soap.

    19. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      This is going to haunt me for a while. American but have traveled to visit family in third world countries and we always rinse the soap off! Even when you have to use collected rainwater and it’s precious, it never occurred to me that anyone wouldn’t.

    20. Crylo Ren*

      Ha, you just made me remember that when my husband and I were first dating, I was ASTOUNDED (and honestly began reconsidering the relationship…) the first time I went to his house and realized he never rinsed the soap from his dishes. Then I met his Kiwi/Aussie parents and it made sense.

      Now he does dishes the “American” way but his parents still don’t rinse. I just put up with it when we visit them, but I can definitely taste the soap even if they dry everything off straight away.

    21. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      German here and while I make sure there are no bubbles left on the dishes before they’re dried (honestly though has nothing to do with soap residue or cleanliness, it just makes the dish towels way too wet way too fast when drying), rinsing seems wasteful to me. Do you turn on the water again for every single dish before it’s placed on the drying rack? I know it’s just what you’re used to so I honestly don’t mean this in a condescending way but I’m at least as baffled by this as everyone else in this thread seems to be by people not rinsing :D

      I don’t think I know anyone who rinses soap bubbles (actual soap, yes, bubbles, definitely no) off their dishes after they’ve already been cleaned in the sink but maybe it’s common in Germany too and I just never knew?

      1. TL -*

        Yup! I turn the faucet on, rinse, flip, rinse, turn off. (Well, for silverware, I rinse a handful at once.)

        I tend to fill the sink up very little and then use the rinse to fill the sink up the rest of the way, so it doesn’t feel as wasteful – I also work from least to most dirty and smallest to largest dishes, which works with filling up the sink as I rinse.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Sounds like we were trained at the same Girl Scout camp.

          For what it’s worth, my 7th grader is taking a food and nutrition class where the module on sanitation included a lesson in dishwashing. I just told her about this rinsing question and her eyebrows shot up and she replied “Diarrhea much!?”

          All I can think is maybe it’s related to washing in dilute soap water instead of with soap on the cloth or sponge?

          1. CatMintCat*

            People put detergent directly on the cloth? No, that’s not the way. You squirt a few drops of Morning Fresh into the hot water and use the bubbly water to wash the dishes. No wonder you can taste soap and get the squitters from it!

            Also, your detergent bill must be nearly as high as my water bill!

      2. ThatGirl*

        Yes, but it takes half a second, I just run each glass under or whatever. I don’t wash a lot of dishes by hand but our dishwasher sure does a rinse!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I will do as many as I can fit in to the sink so many a small stack of dinner dishes or 5-6 mugs. Then I rinse each one, put them in the drying rack, turn the water off and do a few more and repeat. But to do them one at a time and turn the water on and off each time, nooooo. If you use both hands you can be rinsing one and putting the previous into the drying rack. Pass the rinsed one to your other hand, pick up the next dish to rinse and rinse while putting the previous dish in the rack.
        When I first started working, I waited tables. We had to hand wash the dishes, so we took turns. It was normal to wash for 2-3 hours straight. So to make it quicker and easier we would take the time to stack like with like. All the dinner plates in one pile, salad bowls in their own pile and so on. I still do that to this day because it is quicker rinsing them and it is easier to stack them in the drain board.
        Restaurant sinks are three basins here. One for soap, one for rinse water and one for bleach and water.

    22. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’m American but I live in the UK. Since living here I’ve adopted the British no-rinse method and it has not caused any issues. Perhaps I use less soap than I used to? I’m not sure but I don’t have any bits of grime or a soapy taste.

      It weirded me out at first but I never noticed anything unusual before I realised that nobody was rinsing.

      1. Rosemary7391*

        No it really doesn’t! Honestly, dish “soap” is detergent. It doesn’t stick. It slides right off. Equally if you use a tea towel to dry it’s going to take off the soap. I really don’t get all the horror at not rinsing! It must be a tiny amount that is left on the dish.

    24. SS Express*

      What an interesting topic! I’m Australian and I rinse if a dish is still quite soapy, but often there is barely any soap on it when you take it out. I do prefer rinsing but most people I know don’t rinse at all. I live in the city so we’re not paying anything like $100/week for our water, but cost aside we’re just very conscious about wasting water here. Plus people don’t usually have a big double sink.

  12. Loopy*

    So I’ve been eating less processed foods and really living the results. The only issue is I have way more tendency to reach for fruits than veggies and it’s becoming quite unbalanced!

    I’m a lazy snacker so I’m wondering if anyone has easy ideas to make veggies more appealing as a snack? I sliced a green pepper and even adding some salt and pepper really helped and was easy and quick. Anyone have other ideas that dont involve much, if an, prep? And avoid dairy/carb add ins?

    1. Orphan Brown*

      I like to slice heirloom tomatoes and either add salt and pepper or a tiny bit of hot sauce.

      1. Ron McDon*

        Tomatoes with a bit of salt, pepper and balsamic vinegar are yummy.

        Celery sticks filled with nut butter

        Baby corn are really nice to just eat on their own

      2. Loopy*

        This sounded delicious so I bought some tomatoes! I added balsalmic you for my lunch. I like tomatoes but I realize I should have been more choosey! I was at Aldi’s and bought prepackaged tomato’s and wow, not as good! I bet this would be amazing with something from a farmers market though! I also used balsalmic that was cheap and slightly old so… Lesson learned on quality stuff!

        1. Ron McDon*

          I usually use Lidl’s tomatoes tbh… But, yes, when I have fresh tomatoes from my Dad’s garden – so much better!

          I realised afterwards that I said balsamic vinegar but I am actually using balsamic glaze – sorry to mislead you :). It is like a reduction of balsamic vinegar, so it is thicker and sticky … mmm, I might have to go and have some tomatoes with balsamic now, my mouth is watering!

      3. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

        I like tomatoes with salt, pepper, a bit of olive oil, some lemon juice and chili flakes!

        1. Loopy*

          Ooooh I’m interested but I’m such a baby about anything spicy. I wonder if the combo of lemon would work with another spice?

          1. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

            Probably! I add lemon to basically any dish because I feel like it gives it a nice zing of freshness so I can totally see it working with a different flavour.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Orange or yellow sweet peppers are even tastier than the green ones – I slice those up for snacks sometimes. (I like to dip them in hummus, but they’re tasty on their own too.)

      Radishes make a nice snack, as do green onions; dip them in a little salt.

      1. Loopy*

        I’ve seen them in bags and I love them but they have gone bad on me quite early. Did I just have bad luck?

    4. Kathenus*

      I love raw veggies. Sometimes plain, sometimes with hummus, sometimes salt. I’ve recently started using some seasoning mixes that have some salt to reduce how much salt I use but still have some. Seasoned salt, and right now I’m loving Trader Joe’s Everything But the Bagel spice that has sesame and poppy seeds, garlic, onion, and sea salt. I find variety in the veggies is important since the textures can be so different and it keeps it more interesting – so baby carrots, celery, sugar snap peas and tomato are fixtures for me, but I also add in radishes, cauliflower, kohlrabi, soft squashes, red cabbage or whatever seasonal stuff looks good for a change of pace.

      Someone else mentioned nut butter, which is great but I only use occasionally because I’ll totally eat too much of it. Celery with cream cheese is great too. You can also make a veggie dip with a store bought mix and make it lower calorie/fat with either light or non-fat sour cream.

      1. Loopy*

        I need to find a good seasoning mix that works on raw veggies! I do hummus a lot too. I’m terrible at getting creative with seasoning so a premade mix sounds like a good solution!

        1. AcademiaNut*

          Check out Indian chaat masala – it’s a spice/salt mix that’s roasted and ground and intended to be sprinkled on raw fruits and vegetables.

          I like fresh veggie sticks, particularly celery, dipped in fresh lemon juice (maybe with a bit of salt). I’ve also recently discovered fresh tomato sauce – grate fresh tomatoes in a coarse grater (save the juice too!), add in a bit of grated onion, then some salt and a drizzle of wine or balsamic vinegar. Or cook pureed tomatoes and harissa paste for a spicy dip.

          For raw veggies, celery is one of my favourites. Also sliced peppers, raw snow peas, very lightly blanched green beans or okra.

          Other veggie snacks – make refrigerator pickles from things like onions, green beans, okra, cauliflower, carrots and daikon. You can adjust the amount of salt and vary the seasonings to taste. The taste is strong enough that they make a nice snack without eating too much.

          1. Loopy*

            Thank you for the chaat masala suggestion! I love Indian flavors! I may have to look online for it but I’ll definitely try that out. I had never considered lemon juice either.

      1. Loopy*

        These are a fixture for me but after I while I get bored with them. I usually have them with hummus got work lunches and when I reach for them after work I usually realize I have a carrot limit after the second serving!!

        1. blaise zamboni*

          Have you tried rainbow carrots? Maybe it’s just in my head, but I swear the different colors have their unique tastes–I love the purple ones the most. I still have a carrot limit but it’s much higher than when I ate peeled orange carrots only.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            ha! I recently ended up with a bag of rainbow carrots because my friend did not like the purple ones. I was happy to help with that “problem”.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      Yes to dipping in hummus! I’ll quite often have hummus and pepper/carrot sticks as a light snack.

      Also, cherry tomatoes. I can eat those like sweets.

      1. Loopy*

        I got through a container of hummus each week! I should have mentioned I already am way into using hummus, oops!

      1. Nicole76*

        Do you slice them up yourself or are they sold somewhere in stick form? Would love to eat more jicama but I haven’t had any success finding it prepackaged.

      2. Loopy*

        This is interesting! I’ve had it before and liked it. Is it hard to cut up? I haven’t seen it in stores but I’ll have to look more closely!

      3. Tipcat*

        My grocery (Kroger in southeastern US) sells them cut up in sticks about 1 cm square in cross section and about 2-3 inches long. They are in plastic containers (I know) in water. I have seen whole jicamas elsewhere but never tried one because I did not know what to do with them.

        1. Tipcat*

          They are crunchy, crisper than carrots. The flavor is very mild and some people say it is very slightly sweet.

    9. epi*

      When they are on sale, I’ll buy a container of cherry tomatoes and just eat them. They are great raw, mixed with snap peas. For bigger tomatoes, slice them and salt them lightly or put them on toast.

      My other favorite is broccoli slaw. If you buy it undressed, it keeps for a long time and you can put whatever dressing you want on it. It’s not so fast to eat, too, so you have time to get full. And it’s crunchy! I love crunchy.

      If you know ahead of time you will want a snack, you can prep a veggie mix you enjoy and eat it on toast like bruschetta.

      1. Loopy*

        Oooo I need to work on finding combo of veggies and pre-making some basic mixes. I have no clue where to start beyond your initial suggestion. I’ve also not heard of broccoli slaw! I’ll look that up!

        1. Celeste*

          Broccoli slaw is the stalks cut into long, fine strips. It’s a good way to use it up after you cut off the florets; there is a texture difference between the two, but the nutrition is the same. Put some of the slaw in with rice you’re cooking to augment it with fiber.

      2. Cristina in England*

        Ooh I miss broccoli slaw!! We don’t have anything like that here. I used to love it.

    10. Tara R.*

      Possibly/probably more prep than you like, but I love roasted brussel sprouts and often eat them as a snack. Slice in half, toss with olive oil & salt & pepper, then pop into the oven at 400 until they’re super crispy (my personal preference obviously). It takes like 3 minutes of prep, which I’m willing to live with in exchange for crispy yummy goodness.

    11. Kuododi*

      What I have been known to do in the interest of quick prep and easy clean is keeping a bag of mixed frozen veggies in the freezer. Sometimes I am not really hungry but need to eat to keep the blood sugar on keep. My nutritionist suggested this as there’s apparently no difference in food value fresh/vs frozen. So I will just portion out how much veg I want to eat….2-3 min in the microwave….some seasoned salt and cracked black pepper. Good to go. My preference is for the fresh veggies and I could eat roasted brussel sprouts as well as curried cauliflower until they are coming out of my nose!!! The frozen stuff is a surprisingly good filler option on those times when I simply have no brain cells left to dedicate to food preparation and/or planning. Enjoy!!!

      2. Gaia*

        Your nutritionist is correct! Frozen veggies get a bad rep, but the reality is they are fresh when frozen and they only really lose nutritional value if you’ve kept them waaaaaaay too long or you boil them (which can reduce key nutrients.

        I live in an area that gets absolutely no fresh local produce for about 6 months a year so I rely heavily on frozen so I can avoid canned (which is *not* the same as far as nutritional content).

    12. Gingerblue*

      I don’t think I’ve seen anyone mention sliced cucumbers yet–I like them with hummus or a veggie dip, but plain is also good. English/hothouse cukes or the tiny Persian ones are way better than the standard variety.

      A few small kitchen tools make veggie prep seem way more doable to me–I love my mandoline (this simple one: https://www.amazon.com/OXO-Adjustable-Handheld-Mandoline-Slicer/dp/B000YDO2LG) and spiralizer.

      Also, do you like pickles? If so, pickled vegetables add some nice variety, and there’s a whole world of recipes beyond pickled cucumbers. Mmmm, spiced pickled red onions.

  13. Waiting for the Sun*

    LOVE OF THE WEEK

    For me: A Star Is Born. It lived up to the hype, IMO. I will probably see it in the theater again.
    I’m curious about the older versions that focuses more on movie stardom than singing. However, I think setting it in the music business makes dramatic sense because male and female singers compete more directly with each other. Male and female actors wouldn’t be trying out for the same role but singers could face the opening act moving to headliner regardless of gender.

    1. annakarina1*

      That makes sense. That reminds me of The Thing Called Love, a romantic drama about young country singers trying to make it big in Nashville, and a couple competing with each other to win stage time or a record contract.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      For me – Eva Longoria.

      I caught an interview she did with Stephen Colbert and I was just blown away by how intelligent she is and how engaged she is with the issues. I really respect her a lot after listening to her speak.

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      I saw that on Tuesday – my side job organised an advance screening for various UK country music artists/bloggers etc – and really enjoyed it. The soundtrack and lead performances in particular are brilliant. Though (at the risk of spoilers) I did not expect that ending…

    5. kc89*

      it was so good, I wanted to see it again the second I walked out of the theater

      I’m so glad they went with gaga, I think she was the PERFECT choice for the role. Apparently the studio didn’t want her, they wanted Beyonce.

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        Yes. Nothing against Beyoncé, this role fit Lady Gaga well.
        I want to see the 1970s version again, too.

    6. CS Rep by Day, Writer by Night*

      The 1976 version took place in the music industry as well. I was a kid when it came out but grew up on the soundtrack. It’s on Netflix so I watched it the other day and I think it really holds up. Cried my eyes out through most of it!

      I think I’m going to need to wait until it’s out on pay-per-view to watch the new version. I hate being a sobbing, blubbery mess in public, and I can tell that this version is going to rip my heart out of my chest.

      1. Not a cat*

        1976 version has Kris Kristofferson. As an adult, I now understand why my mother was so obsessed with that version. Hottie McHotHot.

  14. Bobbi*

    I know people on here love their podcasts, so here is a fun one I’ve been listening to all morning: Jesus and Jollof. It’s Yvonne Orji (from Insecure!) and Luvvie (blogger/general Internet person) generally talking about life, how they found succsss, and what it was/is like growing up in America as Nigerian expats.
    As a fellow African, it’s so relatable, but if you’re someone who has grown up with different home/outside world cultures – it will probably also resonate. Definitely start with the first episode as that will set the tone (there is a lot of laughing). And yes there are references to God as they are both religious, but nothing more than what you’d expect if you ever actually hang out with a bunch of Nigerian :,D

    Also, gotta love the way the Naija accents come out!

      1. Bobbi*

        *waves* Hello!
        I binge listened to about 5 episodes and my internal voice wants to go a bit Nigerian now :’D

        Thinking tomorrow might be the day to try the recipe for Jollof rice my coworker gave me…

        1. Femme D'Afrique*

          I adore jollof rice, but I don’t trust myself to even attempt to make it. Plus it gives me the opportunity to go to West African restaurants and re-ignite the Senegal/Nigeria jollof wars. Fun, haha!

          1. Kuododi*

            My DH would fix Liberian Jollof Rice for me from time to time. He was a Peace Corps Volunteer from 87-89. I adore the wonderful things he cooks for me from his time in Liberia. Blessings!!!

    2. curly sue*

      The article really misrepresents what the hoax was, what it accomplished (which papers got published where – the ones the article talks about the most were actually rejected), and the conclusions about what the hoax really shows are spurious. Link in my name is to an analysis from Slate.

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks for posting that link. It seems like a lot of the popular press is a sterotype of the worst reporting on the results of legit studies – over simplifying the results and then taking them out of context to make the conclusions seem bigger than they are. Also I’m not so sure it’s astounding that once you put an effort into making a hoax, 1/3 of your false products pass muster by the 2-3 unpaid volunteers (b/c peer reviewers aren’t paid for their work) reviewing it.

      2. Casca*

        Thanks- that link was enlightening although still a bit apologist. Yes, there are issues everywhere, but don’t we need to start fixing them?

      1. Casca*

        Thanks for that although I actually disagree with the argument. Yes, peer reviewers are underappreciated and not necessarily equipped to address issues, but doesn’t that mean the system is not working effectively and we need to reform? Also, the journal editors are usually paid and do have responsibility for gatekeeping.
        So many research articles are rejected all the time and these should have been

  16. Myrin*

    I fell off a little stool yesterday (okay, yeah, two little stools stacked on top of each other because I was in a tight space and couldn’t be bothered to get the ladder which would have been too broad anyway; yeah, I’m a total idiot and 100% brought this onto myself, why do you ask?) and scraped my knee/the top of my thigh on the weird contraption that holds the windowsill (our windows are being renewed atm and the windowsills will only be placed back on Wednesday) and now I have a stupid, literally fist-sized, blue-and-purple, swollen bruise there and it hurts and I’m salty. :|

    1. Tipcat*

      I have friends who swear by Epsom salts. I haven’t needed to treat a bruise lately, but I’ll give it a try next time. I keep some around for my feet. Plus I get that you may not want to invest in some based on a random internet post.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      Arnica (oil or in a gel) if you can get it. Helps with bruises a lot. I am a huge klutz and swear by it.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Ice. Use an ice pack for no more than 15 minutes at a time, then half an hour off before you use it again, to relieve the pain. It won’t stop the bruising, but it might relieve additional inflammation as well.

      1. Myrin*

        I did that, actually! It’s helped reeeeally well, the initial swelling went down basically instantly, and it was just such a relief pain-wise. And an update: the bruis is now a dark violet all over.

    5. Jemima Bond*

      First of all, I’ve seen this use of “salty” on the internet from USAians a few times of late, evidently to mean something other than “containing a lot of sodium chloride”. But I’m not quite clear on what it means? I thought at first it meant a bit rude, no filter, inclined to tell home truths and swear, but looking at this post I’m wondering it’s its more angry, upset? Still sweary though? Can I get a ruling?

      Secondly the best thing to do with a bruise is to take pictures to post on social media with wild claims of how it came to be. “I’ve been signed to the Dallas Cowboys/My new career as a bounty hunter/Well, there was this bear…”

      1. Red Reader*

        Salty is like … annoyed, a little snippy, but not like aggressively angry? Like when I’ve asked my husband about six times to put away his screwdriver and finally it disappears off my dining room table – only to be found again on the living room coffee table because he got distracted on the way to his toolbox, and “For the love of whiskey can you put this damn thing AWAY please.”

    6. OldJules*

      I learned from an Indian friend on how to treat huge bumps on my kids from falling or bumping into things. Mix tumeric and salt into a paste (add some water), warm it up and place it on the site of the wound. When cooled, change the paste. It’s a basic heat treatment but the idea behind it is to get the blood flowing on the bruised site. Plus how many heat pack can you place on a toddler vs. a paste that sticks to the skin. Anyway, I just thought that I’d share.

  17. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Found out yesterday that one of our local haunted attractions has added a new thing this year – a “buried alive experience”. My visceral reaction was OH HELL NO. To be fair, I’m not a fan of haunted attractions. I don’t really like jump scares or walking around where I can’t see or gory stuff.

    But I genuinely can’t see what the appeal of something like this would be. So, I figured I’d ask you guys. Is this something you’d try? What kind of haunted things do you enjoy?

      1. SpellingBee*

        I am so stealing this word!! The idea gives me the wiggins too – I actually physically shuddered when I read it. But I don’t like haunted attractions, or scary movies either, in general. I also don’t read horror themed books or violent crime novels, although I love murder mysteries as long as they’re not too graphic.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          See, I am totally fine with true crime podcasts, documentaries, etc. Though I cannot do horror movies. IDK I know I’m weird.

        2. Marion Ravenwood*

          Me neither. I like a good Agatha Christie-style murder mystery or a ghost story, and Criminal Minds is one of my favourite TV shows (although on some level that’s more ludicrous than actually horrifying), but that’s about as far as my interest in horror goes. ‘Scare’ attractions and haunted houses are definitely not for me!

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Eh…I don’t like haunted houses myself, so I don’t go, but it’s because I am unable to suspend my disbelief without wanting to hit someone, so just find them mildly annoying. But the buried alive thing wouldn’t bother me. In my late teens I had the brilliant idea that I could fit in the spare tire well in a station wagon. The kind that’s under the mat in the floor of the storage area, barely big enough for a normal person with almost no room to spare. I had a couple of friends shut me in there, and being teenage boys, they wouldn’t let me out when I asked. But having been bullied a lot earlier in life, I knew that blowing up over every incident like that would mean having no friends, so I just was slightly uncomfortable and slightly annoyed, and waited them out until it wasn’t fun any longer for them, which wasn’t long since I didn’t show any emotional/verbal reaction.

      I’m sure the buried alive experience isn’t as bad as being folded up as small as possible in that tiny metal box.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Mythbusters did a piece on this. Basically you do not want to be real-life buried alive, because all that dirt over you is very, very heavy.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I would think so. I have no idea what the “experience” actually entails. Just the concept was enough to give me nightmares.

    4. Lissa*

      I imagine the appeal is similar to things like going on a rollercoaster, or watching a horror movie. It can be fun to experience strong emotions like being scared in a safe place. I like haunted houses but the buried alive thing doesn’t appeal to me, it doesn’t sound like the sort of scare I’d find fun. But I like ghosts and spooky things and what I think of as Halloween atmosphere some of which is just goth lol. Candles and black cats and dim lighting.

      For me I do like being spooked, but most horror movies don’t appeal to me because I really don’t like gore and extreme violence, and anything with torture/sexual violence is right out. To be honest my ideal horror movie would have a happy ending for a character I like, as cheesy as that might be!

      1. Handy Nickname*

        The Ghost of Mr. Chicken with Don Knotts is one of my favorite cheesy horror movies. Haunted organ and blood on the walls, but I’m too busy laughing at him to be scared, and it has a very happy (and only humorously spooky) ending.

        1. Elizabeth W.*

          OMG we loved The Ghost and Mr. Chicken as kids. The cinema in my hometown would show old movies every Wednesday in summer, for a buck each or you could buy a season ticket. We’d hit up the dime store (yes I’m old) and get candy, then smuggle it in.

          This movie scared us but it was also very funny. I have it on DVD!

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      This is every archaeologist’s nightmare (trench collapses happen on occasion, and they are usually fatal). I do not want to find out how that feels.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. I have read too much about people who were buried alive, everyone thought they were dead. That is a special sort of hell on earth. I’d take a pass on this one, if offered.

    7. valentine*

      I really want to read the waiver and insurance documents. Is it a glass case they’re going to pour dirt on?

    9. Lora*

      Okay, I happen to LOVE haunted houses because the special effects in many of them are just pure artistry – beautifully done by people who obviously worked very hard at it, really thoughtful scenery and costuming. But I don’t understand the buried alive thing at all. As others have mentioned about confined space hazards (trench collapse, though in my case I was more trained on escaping from a container and atmosphere monitoring) this is… just weird. I wonder if the haunted house people have a different idea of what being crushed by a couple tons of clay-silt is actually like? Sort of like they set up Frankenstein labs full of mysteriously green oozing things, and of course it doesn’t look like a real lab at all, but that’s the point really. I just can’t quite imagine a theatrical version of being buried alive. Like Kill Bill 2?

  18. Nye*

    Any suggestions for travel to Argentina? I leave this afternoon for a week of vacation with a good friend. (I’m making the trip for work, but decided to go early for a real vacation.)

    We’ll be in Buenos Aires, Ushuaia, and Puerto Madryn. Any suggestions appreciated – cool things to do, little cultural differences to be aware of, and foods we definitely have to try?

    Thanks!

    1. Girassol*

      For food: try Dulce de leche (pure, but also as ice cream, is amazing!), Alfajores and, if you like, meat, cause they have great cuts and prepare it really well.

    2. Kathenus*

      Street vendor empanadas! And second the Dulce de leche. The Recoleta Cemetery is an interesting place to visit. If you can do some road trips from Buenos Aires, the Temaiken Zoo is wonderful, and if you can find the time to go to Iguazu Falls in the north on the Brazil border it’s fantastic.

        1. Book Lover*

          Good news, you can order dulce de leche from Argentina online :). And it is legal :)

          For alfajores, always get Havana brand.

      2. Nye*

        Thanks, all! We are not vegetarian and we love to eat, so these are great suggestions. I already had meat and dude de leche on the brain, but will definitely be adding empanadas and (Havana brand) alfajores to the plan.

    3. Book Lover*

      Empanadas – try fried ones as well as baked. And in Buenos Aires, Fredo’s ice cream. So many amazing restaurants I don’t think you can possibly go wrong. If you can find a Basque place, that is always worth it.

      Wander around La Recoleta, buy some carved wood items. Doesn’t sound like you have time to go to Iguazu unfortunately.

      1. Nye*

        Yeah, I think northern Argentina is out on this trip. Not enough time and I didn’t get the shots for it. But hopefully I’ll get out there in the future!

        This is an opportunistic trip since I was already headed to Puerto Madryn for work, so I’m trying to feel okay with not seeing everything. Another time!

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      If you like cooking, I’d really recommend doing the Argentine Experience in Buenos Aires. You get to make empanadas in a shape of your choice – with a prize for the best one! (My husband won when we went – he made one shaped like a rose with the petals dyed with red wine, meat in the flower and cheese in the stem.) Then steak with chimichurri sauce – order it ‘muy jugoso’ – and make-your-own alfajores. Also, assuming you’re not veggie, I’d definitely have steak in Buenos Aires – there are lots of good little neighbourhood places that will do you massive portions for not very much, particularly in the San Telmo neighbourhood.

      If you’re getting an overnight bus from Buenos Aires (or anywhere), I strongly encourage paying the extra $20 for the better seats.

      Also, I’m sure you know this already, but you’ll generally get a better exchange rate if you pay for stuff in US dollars rather than Argentinian pesos.

      1. Nye*

        Good to know about dollars – thanks! We are flying between cities so I think the overnight bus is an adventure for another trip.

        Thanks also for the food tips – food is a big part of the appeal of spending a few days in Buenos Aires. Is “muy jugoso” the equivalent of rare? (That is absolutely how I like steak.)

    5. Feliz*

      Puerto Madryn – we did an amazing half day tour out to Punta Ninfa to see the elephant seals up close. Elephant seal pups are ridiculously friendly and will come right up to you if you sit down. In fact I had to keep shuffling back from one of them as he really wanted to be up close & personal. Plus there’s a chance that you could see the orca hunting in the shallows – we didn’t seem them do it, but followed them up & down the beach while they scoped out the possibility.

    6. Lora*

      Anywhere you get steak in Buenos Aires is good but the very best IMO is Don Julio’s and La Cabrera is a close second.

      If you like dancing, tango classes, but it’s harder than it looks (think ballet minus the eating disorder) and there’s a whole party lifestyle around the tango clubs (for all ages, including elderly retired people who can barely walk – they’ll still go out to a milonga and party until 5am).

      They operate on a different schedule, because party. Argentinians and Chileans can party like you would not believe. They will stay out till 3-5am on a weeknight, sleep until 10 or so, get up for work, have lunch at the usual time, work until 6-ish, then go home and have some family time. They don’t have supper until 9 or 10, and supper lasts a solid 2-3 hours. Then it’s time to go out dancing.

      They have bike delivery everything. Ice cream, McDonald’s, everything you can get by bike delivery.

      Get an app called Como Llego to get around. Taxis are everywhere and not super expensive, but the transit system in BsAs is quite organized compared to the US.

      There’s free WiFi most places, but be sure to go to your cell phone company and have the SIM card done specifically for Argentina. They have a tariff on electronics and their own cellphone carriers – no Verizon or AT&T – and even burner phones cost a fortune. A crappy burner phone that would cost $50 in the US is $700 (USD, not pesos) there.

      Due to the tariffs, if you have an old laptop you don’t want anymore, bring it in your luggage and sell it on their Craigslist. You can make your airfare back. Don’t bring more than two laptops through customs though, they notice.

      If your Spanish is like… regular school Spanish… you’re going to have to learn some new words and phrases. There’s a lot of Italian in their Spanish and a lot of odd expressions. Their cusswords are significantly different. For example, instead of, “me cago en la lèche,” they say “la concha de la lora,” which is their equivalent of “la chocha de la puta” more literally. I found this out the hard way, as my Porteño friends assumed I spelled my own name “Laura”…

  19. Kate Daniels*

    Do you think social media brings value in your life, or does it just make you feel worse? I like how Twitter has comnected me to a few friends who I never would’ve “met” otherwise, but lately it’s been making me feel depressed because I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. No one ever seems to respond or engage, and I always have to be the one to reach out and strike up convos first. I’m lonely IRL and beginning to feel lonely online, too.

    1. gecko*

      I’ve come to really dislike social media. It addicts me to it and it tends to show me people’s bad sides; I had to unfollow a really sweet friend of my fiancé’s on tumblr for instance, because if there was a post going around with a correction on the end, he’d invariable post the uncorrected & inflammatory version.

      But yeah, I also miss when I was making friends & meeting people online. I think, when I was doing that, it was always through specialized websites…well, always through fan fiction websites :) There are still specialized forums out there, is that something you’re interested in? I wonder if that would help as people move away from twitter.

    2. FD*

      I think social media is just a tool, neither helpful nor hurtful. I think it can also be something you enjoy in small doses, or that can be highly addictive–a bit like alcohol where one person uses it with no issue while others have real trouble.

      For me, I generally avoid social media settings where I’m going to be exposed to a lot of angry shouting. This means basically all of Twitter and it means I follow about 2 people on Facebook. I can and do engage with people in real life but I personally believe that your chances of convincing a stranger on social media of your position are extremely slim.

      I’ve met really good friends on social media, but usually those were people who I shared a hobby with, and we bonded over that. That’s the way it works in meat-space for me too, as a rule, so I see social media as a way to connect with people who have similar interests but who might not be local to me. I’ve made a few really good friends that way.

      I agree that I tend to be the one who initiates conversations a lot of the time, but that’s also how it is with meat-space friends. I personally have accepted that I’m going to be the person who starts conversations most of the time, and I don’t mind it as long as I get decent emotional reciprocity once the conversation gets started.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Your first paragraph is definitely my philosophy.

        My husband is from another continent that I’ve visited several times, so a lot of our friends and family live there. It would be difficult if not impossible to keep up with them without social media. Moreover, our courtship was online, and I credit the beautiful photos he posted on social media with piquing my interest in the first place! So I definitely see the sunny side of it. But I also understand that for some folks it feels like trying to swim in a sewer without getting dirty, and it’s not worth the effort. De gustibus.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      In my life, social media adds absolutely no value. I haven’t had Facebook since 2013 and I haven’t missed it at all, and I honestly have no idea how to use Twitter or Instagram. I honestly don’t feel that anything is missing if I don’t use it in my life but I agree that it’s a very useful tool – Twitter is great for emergencies as shown by the Christ Church earthquake in New Zealand – but it’s a tool that can be used in both good ways and bad and people need to be careful.

    4. Lynn Whitehat*

      I do a lot of political activism, and social media is invaluable for that. To give an example that’s hopefully not too political for AAM, I am a deputy voter registrar, which means I can register people to vote. The county has a Facebook group for us, moderated by county employees. But anyone can post, and it is SO USEFUL to have everyone posting good events to set up a table at, questions (and answers!) about the more obscure details (what address does a couch-surfing college student use? My new neighbor doesn’t have a Texas license yet), tips and tricks for block-walking your neighborhood.

      God, an email list would be so unwieldy. And as soon as you set up a WorldCrossing-type forum, you’re in social media territory again. And that’s just one example. It would actually be one of the easier ones to make its own forum for, because voter registration is managed by the county and the membership is known (people who took the training.) What about groups like Black Lives Matter, where it’s just whoever is interested in the issue? And if you don’t like the big social media sites, someone has to be the sysadmin of whatever you do have? Ugh, no. Yay social media.

    5. anon24*

      I scan Facebook but I rarely post and I unfollow anyone who is negative or posting controversial topics – even if I agree I don’t need the hate. With instagram I am rarely on my personal one but I have one for my cat and I frequently post as well as follow other cats. Brings joy and cuteness to my day and pet Instagrams are super positive and full of love and great for my mental health

        1. Mel*

          They way you said “my dog might like one” really sounds like you’re going to ask him if he’s interested in having his own Instagram.

          “Hey, Rex, what filter?…oh, one of the black and white ones? You always pick those….oh, gotcha. Thanks Rex!”

          1. Slartibartfast*

            She’s a princess and already black and white, but there’s lots of sparkly filters.

    6. Sorcha*

      It definitely adds a lot of value to my life. Twitter is one of the primary ways I communicate with my friends, most of whom I met through online fandom. I also use Instagram and Tumblr heavily. I feel like it’s just a tool though – in itself it’s neutral, it’s how you use it that decides how it impacts your life. I curate my online experiences very carefully, so I unfollow any accounts that I find frustrating, upsetting or boring, and I mute, muffle and block as necessary. As a result, I have a very positive experience most of the time.

      In your case, it sounds like the issue is less about Twitter and more about your friends.

    7. Lcsa99*

      The last time I had social media, Myspace was still a thing. I found that it was better for my mental health to just stay off. I do miss my friends, but my husband has a Facebook page so I can still know what’s happening in people’s lives, but I don’t have that voice in my head constantly chipping away at me: why isn’t anyone commenting/responding? Did I say something wrong? Did I offend them? You get the picture. Like you, I found that I was always initiating and the conversation would die until I once again initiated.

      It was a little sad how easy it was to just stop initiating and cut myself off. It was exhausting and lonely. Now I am lonely without the exhausting. But I have my kitties and an amazing husband so I’m good.

    8. ainomiaka*

      I really only use facebook, and that sporadically. But I do think I use it in a way that brings value. I mostly mute people who only do memes, I only friend people I know in real life, I don’t friend businesses and mute people who mostly talk about business stuff, and I do kinda ignore a lot of conversations. I don’t have any online only friends, but I do use it to keep up with friends and family far away. That to me has really been my focus, and I think that helps. I definitely agree with the it’s a tool, not an extension of you or anything else. And I have I guess just always assumed it’s only talking about what you want to talk about, instead of a real picture of your whole life-I don’t generally have conversations about a lot of the unpleasant stuff in my life with a large group of people, why is that different using that media?

    9. dumblewald*

      It brings some value to my life, but because I use it in a very limited manner and is at the bottom of my priorities list. In other words, I *don’t* use social media to replace real life socializing and feelings of validation (a lesson I learned a long time ago the hard way!) It seems like that’s what you might be doing, why you feel disappointed.
      I also only follow posts by people I think are interesting, and not just people who showcase their vanity.
      Obviously, if my time is limited, social media gets put in the back burner and I don’t check anything for weeks at a time.

    10. Book Lover*

      Depends on the type of social media. I use Facebook with only a small group or actual friends and family as friends and high privacy filters.

      But for interaction online there are excellent Facebook groups once you find your people.

    11. Bigglesworth*

      Although I have a Facebook account, I rarely post anything. I go on frequently because I’m part of several gardening groups and I enjoy seeing everyone’s plants. Other than that, I stay out of a lot of stuff on FB.

      Instagram, however, is a different story. I love Instagram! It has some socialization but little politization. Many of the people I have as friends on FB post their fun, General life stuff on Instagram. Instead of seeing Aunt Susan repost something that’s easily debunked by a basic Google or Snopes check, I can see her new glasswork piece that she just finished. Instead of seeing Cousin Bob’s post about women making up assault statistics, I can see cute pictures of his dog.

      What their beliefs are is important, but no productive conversations are done through FB in my opinion. I’ll wait until the next family reunion to have those discussions.

    12. Tipcat*

      I work with several people with disabilities. Some have issues with mobility, speech, or presentation. Social media are a lifeline for them.

    13. kc89*

      social media can be fun, but you have to limit yourself.

      when you get to the point that you’re stressing out over likes/followers etc. it’s time to log off. (unless you do it for your job/to promote something, I’m just talking about pure personal use)

    14. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’d say yes and no. I’ve met some great friends and got some amazing opportunities through social media, but I do find it can be a bit demoralising sometimes when I’m feeling particularly lonely to see everyone else having a wonderful time. What helps me is taking a step back, particularly when it’s getting overly nasty, and remembering that it’s a highlight reel not a movie. I think it’s partly why I prefer Instagram because people are able to share a bit more in the captions and it feels a bit less ‘shouty’ and softer than Facebook or Twitter.

    15. Loopy*

      I had to find a very specific way off using it. I don’t go on Facebook much at all and use Twitter solely for my interests, not real life people I know. I follow authors and book enthusiasts and some silly accounts so it’s generally a way to keep up with new books and author news. So for me I shaped it into something very healthy and helpful. I like you control what you see by who you follow and can adjust as needed. I also do that without guilt, if someone I’m following takes their Twitter in a new (sometimes stressful or negative) direction, I unfollow quickly.

    16. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’d say yes and no for me. Facebook has been invaluable for keeping up with family stuff, as my family is geographically disbursed and we pretty much all hate talking on the phone. But it’s become absolutely toxic lately with political stuff (which I understand completely). I’m finding it worsens my stress sometimes and am trying to reduce my usage; there’s enough in my life to stress me out already.

      I haven’t touched Twitter or any other social media with a ten foot pole. Twitter in particular is an absolute garbage fire.

      Overall I think social media has changed the world drastically for the worse, but I could go on about this for hours, so I’ll spare everyone and stop now.

    17. tangerineRose*

      I’ve found social media to be fun most of the time, but I’ve had to unfollow some of the more angry political friends (on both sides of the political equation), and I’m thinking about unfollowing someone else based on recent posting.

      Usually I like seeing what people are up to, and a lot of them post happy things.

    18. TheTallestOneEver*

      FB adds value to my life, but I mainly use it to follow things I’m interested, not people. Shows, new sources, businesses, local restaurants, blogs, etc. are what I follow. The pages I like definitely outnumber my FB friends so it keeps controversy off of my timeline.

    19. Jessen*

      I honestly love it. I have moved so many times, it seems impossible to set roots down anywhere. So social media is a lifeline to stable relationships and not having to start your entire circle over every few years. It can also give you a safe space for things that aren’t as safe in real life – I really relied on online connections to get through some stuff that’s not always an acceptable problem to have. That said, I mostly engage in options where you can have some form of individual or small-group chat, rather than being largely public.

    20. Elizabeth W.*

      I’m on Twitter a lot because Resistance, and I wanted to have a presence and build a following for when I publish. Sometimes I love it, especially when you get a celebrity like or a funny moment is happening. Example: I got to watch the covfefe thing unfold in real time (I checked right before bed, saw it, and then stayed up half the night laughing at memes). Good lord that was funny.

      Other times, watching people lose their shit is just too much, or if something bad is happening and there are endless tweets in my feed about it. Then I often find I have to click away. As for Facebook, I hate it but I need it because I have so many friends / family who are far away and it’s really the only place to find everyone. I ignore half their posts, however; what is it about having a baby that suddenly makes you find Jesus and want to share him with everybody? :P

      I don’t spend a lot of time on Instagram. There isn’t a lot going on in my life right now that’s photo-worthy, and when I’m on holiday, I often forget it exists. Most of mine is food and clouds and boring shit like that. If I do post pics there, they tend to be spontaneous, not carefully orchestrated stuff, which means they’re pretty amateur, haha.

    21. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Huge value for me but I’ve connected to connector friends – they’re what I think of as hub people – who are connected to lots of other people in their communities so through them I’ve made good friends with people new to me but vetted by them already. It was organic though, I am friends with them because we found our own shared common ground and the friendships don’t rely on the hub person being around.

      It keeps me connected to good humans all over the world and has been beyond price in helping me learn more about people and politics and generally doing better at being a better more compassionate person than I was ten years ago.

      It truly depends on who you curate into your timeline though, and how you interact with them. I know there are a handful of people I don’t even respond to when they join conversations because they come off as disingenuous or just plain rude, others I might not spot if they join a conversation that spawns a huge set of replies and so on. I’m slow to follow new people because I refuse to allow my TL to become toxic so I wait to see a variety of responses from any new person until I get the gist of who they are. I think it takes time and knowing at least one right person who is connected to build a rapport with more than just a few people and it can be worth it.

      I hope it improves for you!

    22. Ruth (UK)*

      I think it’s about how it’s being used, not what it is. I feel social media is overall a positive experience for me but it hasn’t always been that way. When I first graduated uni and was not currently in a job in 2012, my social media use was high and, in my opinion, unhealthy. This was before smartphones are what they are now but I spend a lot of time at home on my computer just scrolling through Facebook…

      Now, I check Facebook on a daily basis and post irregularly. I would say I post on my timeline less than once a week but more frequently use the messaging, and also a group of friends of mine use a secret group to communicate meeting up etc, so I respond in that. I have a Twitter which I check when I remember (weeks at a time can go by in between checking) and have never posted. Then, I am a semi regular commenter on this site and that’s pretty much all my online/social media input. I also sometimes Skype chat.

      For me, it’s enough that it aids staying in contact with people etc, but doesn’t take over. I think social media is good when it’s used to enhance contact with friends etc but becomes a more negative experience when it starts to become a replacement for ‘real’ contact. I think where the balance lies can also be different for different people.

      Of course I still also have times where I feel my use of it is negative. When I’m bored and don’t have much going on, I reach more often for my phone. Sometimes in the mornings I can get stuck in a loop of pointless Facebook scrolling. If I’m with people I very rarely feel the urge to check my phone except for genuine practical reasons (eg. “Jane hasn’t turned up yet, maybe I should text her?”) but when I’m alone and not doing much, that’s when I’m more likely to want to go on social media with no specific purpose and it can become a time suck.

      Overall, I’m happy with my social media use but I’m not necessarily happy with it all the time…

    23. Sparkly Lady*

      I’ve seen social media work for some people effectively, but for me, it generally doesn’t. I do a lot of promo for my performances through it, which is the only reason I have a FB and an Instagram. I’ve realized I need to curate my timeline more actively because in our current political moment, I’m much more mentally fragile. I find in person connections to be much more satisfying at this point than online ones at well. I think it was better in the early days when social tools were more fragmented and so it was easier to use a forum for organizing, a different forum for talking about TV, and something like Flickr for sharing photos with friends and family.

      FB is convenient, but I think it’s made us too close in ways that are very detrimental.

  20. Ismis*

    Thanks to Sevenorora for suggesting the Pokemon trainer code swap! I was overseas with not a lot of internet access for a few weeks but am trying to catch up with my obligations :) It’s very cool to see the international gifts.

  21. Foreign Octopus*

    I’ve just heard today that a friend is trying to rehome one of the cats that she adopted six months ago because it pees on the furniture and I just can’t even. She says that the cat needs a home where it can go outside and I am baffled by her because she has just moved into a house with a garden!!! The garden is huge and it’s in a rural area where cars very rarely go but she still wants to rehome her cat.

    I have no idea what to say to her because she knows that adopting an animal is for life. She cut an ex-bf out of her life recently because he gave up his dog after adopting it and now she’s doing the same.

    I’m completely confused by what’s going on with her at the moment.

    1. Lunar Rainbow*

      Maybe there is more going on than what you’ve been told/have heard. Does she live alone? If not, it could be someone else who is insisting that the cat be re-homed. Or maybe she has never had a cat with “problem” behaviors before and has realized that she isn’t able (or possibly willing) to take the time needed to curb the unwanted behavior. It can be difficult to get a pet to stop peeing on something once it has become a habit. Or maybe something has changed in her life and she doesn’t feel she can adequately care for the kitty going forward, but doesn’t want to tell anyone what the change is. There are lots of things that could be going on.

      If you are worried about the well-being of the cat, perhaps you could help her find it a good forever home.

    2. pcake*

      We don’t have any details, but it sounds like convenience has one over principles. It really does make no sense – her cat could spend time in the garden – she could even enclose part of it as a catio. Has she simply tried cat attract litter? That works pretty well as long as she’s using an enzyme cleaner to remove the pee. If she’s not using an enzyme cleaner, the cat will be attracted to pee on the couch or other places he’s peed previously because it’s their nature.

      Send her off to thecatsite.com – there are lots of suggestions on getting inappropriate peeing cats to use the box.

      Our elderly cat has been not using the litter box as regularly as he used to. We’ve just developed a faster way to clean up the accidents. Never in a million years would we get rid of a member of my family. We were evicted over him once years ago, but never once considered getting rid of him.

      1. Kathenus*

        Some elderly cats have trouble stepping into and out of litter boxes due to arthritis or other issues. Don’t know what style you have, but you might try one with a very low wall or doorway, or just cut a section out where he can get in/out easier to see if it helps. Love your attitude towards this though!

    3. Loopy*

      Based on her previous actions I’d have to wonder if something more is going on. In fact, this may be a huge stretch but ill share a similar situation I was in. I was absolutely against breaking a commitment to a pet unless direly necessary for its wellbeing and yours. Yet, once I considered rehoming my dog and it was because I was actually in a terrible, awful mental/emotional place but in the middle of it, didn’t really realize that. So I didn’t understand and link the two. My brother helped me realize I didn’t really want or need to re-home my dog at all for either of us (me or the dog), I was just flailing about for *some* action to help fix something I couldn’t even pin point. I was trying to make a change, any change, hoping it would readjust my life. But I couldn’t see that at the time.

      Looking back, I’m horrified I ever even thought of doing it but also can see how I was just reaching out for any possible solution to improve my headspace, even if logically it didn’t make sense at all for the situation.

      I’d try and be patient and gently see if she’s open to other solutions. My brother saved me from a massive mistake and I still have my dog and we are both so happy and healthy.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I think some people who adopt don’t think it through. Can they afford vet costs? How will they handle behavioral problems? What if the cat doesn’t get along with other pets? They just see a cute kitty and want to take it home, which is great to give it a home, but it’s supposed to be a forever home.

      I don’t know all the details, but it seems like it’s become inconvenient for her and she just wants to be done with it. I get that having a cat with litter box problems is a real PITA (I’ve been through this A LOT!), but there are lots of things that can be tried before she resorts to re-homing. Sometimes it’s a really simple fix, and other times it takes awhile to find the right solution.

      I think you should tell her that the cat HAS a home where it can go outside, and that’s HER home. I mean, has she even tried letting it out?

    5. Cat Foster Mama*

      I used to work at an animal shelter, people rehome pets for a variety of reasons — some good, some bad. But in the end, the pet deserves someone who will give it a safe, welcoming environment. If your friend isn’t able to do that (or even isn’t willing) than it’s just as well for the cat.

      I’ve been a foster home for several cats, the latest of which has been challenging. I’ve felt enormously guilty over the past few months that I haven’t been able to help him adapt and curb some of his bad behavior. But, I’m also aware of my limitations (I work long hours and have a small apartment). So, I’m trying to find him an alternative home that will address his high energy and need for attention.

      In the end, I understand that you feel your friend has been hypocritical. But, I think it’s also possible she wasn’t empathetic to those who were unable to care for their pets properly. Now that she has that experience, perhaps she better understands the challenges.

    6. LilySparrow*

      What’s going on with her at the moment is that she’s realized it’s one thing to judge a person from the outside, and quite a different matter to be in the situation yourself.

      If you are reacting this strongly to her decision I think that probably has a lot to do with a) why you heard this second-hand instead of her bringing it up in conversation with you, and

      b) Why you don’t know the real reasons for her decision.

  22. Daily Harvest*

    Another social media question: With all the political stuff going on (I’m in the US), is it rude or improper to post things going on for me personally on Facebook when many of my friends (but not all!) are highly politically charged? Or should I only be posting my outrage about what’s going on?

    A few days ago, one of my friends posted about how angry she was that some of her male friends were posting things about the concerts they saw, pictures of their cats etc. instead of posting that they supported women. I am one of those male friends, and guilty of all of those things.

    I am on the same side as my friends, but choose never to share any political thoughts because
    (1) I don’t have anything intelligent to add to the conversation,
    (2) I always manage to say something that comes out totally wrong, is misinterpreted, and offends someone,
    (3) I’m preaching to the choir,
    (4) I use Facebook to escape these things, not to talk about them.

    Now I’m afraid to post anything on Facebook at all. This is probably just as well, because it’s a waste of time. The problem is that my family is scattered all over the world and Facebook is the only reliable way I can keep up with them and they can keep up with me.

    So do I not post anything personal until after Election Day? Do I have to post a statement that I support and listen to women even though I very obviously do? This whole rant is making me sad. But I appreciate any thoughts.

    1. Cosette*

      I don’t post political stuff because of my job. I post mainly innocuous stuff, usually something to try to lighten the mood. If your friends get mad that you won’t engage in the outrage on your social media, just snooze them for a while. Your page, your posts, your rules

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Yes, same here. I keep my feed superficial and vapid on purpose. I do read the NYT regularly and will occasionally comment there, but mostly my fb feed is pics of my dog or updates on the classes I’m taking.

    2. Washi*

      As a woman, I would find some kind of generic “I support women” statement to be a bit silly at best, and at worst, fishing for praise. That said, as a white person, I am conscious of not posting my random personal stuff right after big incidents/protests of police brutality, etc out of respect, so I can maybe see where that person was coming from.

      The bigger question to me is do you often stay silent on controversial issues you care about because you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing? A big focus of mine the past couple years is that when I see injustice, I have to say something, rather than stay silent. Even if it’s not perfectly phrased, I just keep reminding myself that something is better than nothing, and I’ll never get better unless I try. (This is now thinking less about social media and more about hearing a white person saying something racist, for example.)

    3. Rosemary7391*

      I think that friend might need to go onto a restricted list if possible… that’s really weird. Life doesn’t stop because politics, no matter how horrible the politics is! It’s your facebook page, not hers, and you get to choose how you use it.

      2. Ender Wiggin*

        Yes. This is ridiculous. Your friend is an idiot. Its as if she’s saying no one can have any conversation about anything else while something that’s politically important to her is happening.

        I have a female US friend who has been posting normal stuff on FB this week and a lot of people have commented that it’s nice to see something cheerful in the midst of the anger. That said she has also posted a couple of times about how angry she is about the political situation, but the vast majority of her posts are about her kids or her life as usual.

        Perhaps your friend assumes you support the nomination if you haven’t posted against it – but if she is making baseless assumptions like that then that’s on her not you.

    4. Princess of Pure Reason*

      There is no requirement to state or defend your position on anything, likewise no requirement or obligation as to what you post in your own feed. It’s your feed, post whatever you want, and don’t worry about managing other’s reactions and feelings (thank you, Captain Awkward). I’m in a similar boat, as I do not post anything political (also in the US) and stick to photos of my cat and “fun” stuff very deliberately, and even those are not frequent. I do have friends who seems to post nothing but political items and while, fortunately, I agree with them and appreciate the info and it does definitely help keep me informed, I also have to curate my social media experience to balance the being informed and not being overwhelmed and completely despondent. Life outside of politics is still happening, and my cat is still cute, and concerts are still going on (went to one last night and being a big noisy crowd of positive non-political energy was really therapeutic). We’re still allowed to have fun, enjoy things, and take care of ourselves and talk about that if we want.

    5. SpiderLadyCEO*

      Your friend needs to chill. Posting on Facebook about how you support women isn’t actually going to do much. If you want to post about your life – well, that’s what Facebook/Twitter/Instagram are for.

      Just keep posting whatever you want, it’s not going to harm anyone or help anyone, no matter what you post. If you feel like you should do something, taking steps like volunteering with your political party and local races, or calling your senators are going to be much more effective.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Posting on Facebook about how you support women isn’t actually going to do much.

        Several people have said something like this, and I just want to underscore it. Like ‘liking’ things or clicking on online petitions.

        That said, I would point to the recent triple disasters in Indonesia as an example–for some people National Event X is huge and all-consuming and like 9/11 just happened, and if someone says “I just ate avocado toast” or “Lovin’ The Good Place–here’s a list of great lines from Thursday’s episode!” then that just drops there on the floor and squirms awkwardly. For most of us, the events in Indonesia didn’t merit that sort of shut down of normal amusing life anecdotes. I don’t think you need to preach to the choir on Facebook, but maybe in one direction, seek people who understand that you use social media as an escape from everyday stress, and in the other be aware that something can be disturbing to you and a falling piano to other people. (Typing this as someone who last weekend, husband turned on NPR and daughter and I said in unison “Please turn it off; I can’t take any more.” And this week pulled back from written news as well, after a night I didn’t sleep at all.)

        I feel like with a death in your family, you’re flattened but you understand that most of the rest of the world wasn’t affected. Public Facebook posts will be about avocado toast, even though it would be incredibly tone deaf for a friend to call you because they were having an existential crisis involving avocado toast and wanted you to listen to them. When it’s a national news thing, then it feels like everyone is supposed to be in the same boat of only-talk-about-this versus please-no-more that you’re in, and discovering people all over the spectrum gets a much harsher reaction.

        1. JamieS*

          I disagree. A person shouldn’t be expected to only post about “major news item” if they want to post about something else going on in their life/random thought they had/whatever. Your death in family anology isn’t really applicable because if someone called you personally their message is specifically for you whereas social media is generally for whoever.

          1. SpiderLadyCEO*

            Yes, this. Our assumption that if someone isn’t posting on social or talking about a major event or crisis that they don’t care is false. There are tons of reasons that someone might not want to talk about something. Expecting people to post creates a pressure for them to say something instead of deal silently means that we end up with a lot of false outrage where people are pretending they care but it’s all performative.

            It also means that we get burnt out – the truth of the matter is that we can’t care about every disaster or major political event. Lots of bad things happen in the world! If we were affected emotionally the same by each one we would be wrecks. People need to be able to live their lives and enjoy things like their cats, or going to concerts – these things are important to us as individuals and not posting about the small happy things because big awful things are happening is silly, and a surefire way to become emotionally exhausted.

    6. Be the Change*

      Oh Daily Harvest, woman here, you keep using Facebook the way YOU want. Your friend was over reacting to an emotion if her own. Is it NOT rude to use Facebook as a way to keep in touch with family rather than a political platform, I do, almost exclusively. I wish my friends who are doing performative Facebook outrage would post the actions instead! If you are an ally in real life, you get to use Facebook how you want.

    7. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I can’t comment on the etiquette part — I struggle with the same questions in my mind — but I SO hear you on being afraid to say the wrong thing re: politics.

      I almost never post anything political, but yesterday while I was walking to work, I saw graffiti that said “PULL THE LEVER.” I snapped a picture of it and posted it on my Facebook page.

      Nobody *ever* comments on my posts. Within the first 90 seconds, someone posted an angry-looking GIF that said “WRONG LEVER, CRONK” and three other friends, all women, had typed in “WRONG LEVER, CRONK.” Two other friends were typing, and I quickly deleted the post before anyone else could comment. I have (understandably, given the $*!@storm going on in Washington) very up-in-arms feminists as Facebook friends and was mortified that “pull the lever” meant something offensive to women. I deleted that post so fast your head could spin.

      I just googled “Pull the lever” and it means what I thought it meant — get out and vote. “Wrong lever, Cronk” is an innocuous movie reference. Boy, do I feel silly now. But I was freaking out at the time.

      2. KayEss*

        Aw, I’m sorry that happened! I would also have replied, “WRONG LEVER!” or “Why do we even HAVE that lever?!” because I adore “The Emperor’s New Groove” and that’s one of the best/funniest jokes in it… it would have really tickled me to see a photo like that in my feed. I totally understand why you were taken aback though, with the reactions out of context!

    8. ainomiaka*

      I absolutely would keep posting personal stuff. There’s not a rule. While I might wait a day or so, I would 100% rather hear what is actually going on in a friend’s life than more political ruminating. It’s slightly different if the political stuff has a way to take action, but still. you need some personal life stuff.

    9. Lehigh*

      Sometimes if something is extremely upsetting, you feel astonished and provoked that the world is going on (apparently) obliviously. I’m guessing that’s where your friend is.

      But not everyone uses facebook the same way, and that’s totally fine. It’s a social site, and plenty of people don’t use it for politics or activism at all, but just like you do, to keep up with distant friends & family. I don’t think you need to alter your habits, but if her posts are really bothering you perhaps you could snooze her for a bit.

      I definitely wouldn’t respond. It sounds like she’s (perfectly understandably!) going through a lot with all the current ish, and it would probably be good to cut her some slack.

    10. dumblewald*

      I don’t post political stuff on FB for the exact reasons you list. I’m not politically apathetic, though. I read on issues all the time and disscuss them with my friends. Anyone who knows me knows this. I actually find the Facebook rants disingenuous sometimes. Like, I support people posting their opinions/rants on FB if they find it cathartic, but I know a lot of people who do it because they REALLY want to Show That They Are Politically Opinionated…but then fail to follow up by actually doing things that could affect the issues they supposedly care about (like voting or volunteering.)

      I think some of your concerns might also fall under the category of people not believing that something is real unless posted on Facebook. If you don’t post political rants, then you must not be political. If you didnt post pictures of your wedding, you didn’t actually get married, etc.

    11. Extra Vitamins*

      I never post political stuff on Facebook, because of (1) my job, (2) fb is entertainment for me in which I do not want to be yelling/yelled at, (3) online ads get creepily aligned with what you post.

    12. Lissa*

      I think your friend was just lashing out, and hopefully she doesn’t really expect people to be all politics, all the time. I’m not American myself but it’s also quite nationally focused – I mean, perhaps she specifically means US friends or doesn’t have friends from other countries, but I’m sure she doesn’t stop posting when major things happen in other countries.

      I’m curious if her post got any comments? Honestly I would just keep posting as you normally do. My guess would be not every single person is only posting about politics? I have Americans on my list and while recent events have come up, they aren’t the only thing my friends are posting about. My American FB friends are still talking about concerts and cats too, male and female! (The FB friends, I don’t know the gender of the cats.)

      1. Daily Harvest*

        Her post got a couple of various emoticon reactions but no responses, I don’t think. She decided shortly after to take a break from social media, which is smart. But it did get me to think, as seen by this post.

        Thanks to everyone for their comments. I really appreciate them. My big takeaway here is that I’m not using the “snooze” function on Facebook and should start, and that I’ll keep posting what I want, but maybe wait a day if it’s the same day that something politically catastrophic is happening. :-)

    13. Tris Prior*

      I actually just made a point today of posting a list of positive things that are going on right now – with only one semi-political mention, of the Van Dyke verdict that came down here in Chicago yesterday (cop convicted of murder for shooting an African-American teen who was walking away from him). And, hell, I created an Instagram just for pix of my cats!

      In my opinion it’s no good for anyone’s mental health to just unrelentingly talk/post/think about political events. None of us can be good activists if we don’t take breaks for self-care.

      As a woman, I would rather my male friends show that they support women through their actions and behaviors. A Facebook post saying “I support women” is nice and all, but it’s not like it takes that much effort, or requires men to think about how they might be better allies.

    14. Sylvan*

      Post what you want! Your reasons for not posting about politics make a lot of sense to me. While I can understand your friend’s frustration, making outraged comments online isn’t the only way you can support women (or support people affected by any issue in general).

      You can be a kind, thoughtful person in real life. You can offer support to people who you see needing it in real life. You can vote. You can volunteer. You can even keep posting cats and concerts, because there are some people who really appreciate nice, normal things in their feed when the subject at the heart of the online outrage cycle is one they’re particularly affected by.

      My friends and I are all pretty politically inclined, but I do not post about it on social media very often. My rule is that I keep it encouraging and actionable.

    15. Lilysparrow*

      Look, your friend was angry in general. A lot of women are just at BEC stage with everyone, especially men, right now. You don’t have to censor yourself, just give her the space & understanding to know that she has reason to be mad at life, and try not to take it personally.

      Go ahead and post happy positive stuff! It’s a lifeline for some people! Some folks (like me) cope with stress by escapism, so if there’s nothing positive to see anywhere, it’s easy to just spiral down.

      It’s good to be sensitive about your wording/attitude, tho. One (female) friend posted this week a long, heartfelt essay about how this last 2 weeks was so hard for her, and she was having traumatic flashbacks of the worst day of her life, and she was finding different ways to get through the day without breaking down…and at the end it turned out to be that she was sad about the death of her pet so she went shopping.

      I mean, I know that’s very sad. She wasn’t intentionally trolling rape survivors. But her wording was just so unfortunate, it sounded like she was.

      That’s the kind of thing I’d say you should watch out for. Just be a bit sensitive about how you say things.

    16. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Um, I don’t post political stuff on FB. It’s mostly my cats and house projects! your friend has a problem.

    17. Elizabeth W.*

      Oh f*ck them. It’s your feed; post whatever you want. If people don’t like it, they can unfollow you.

    18. neverjaunty*

      I think you should maybe mute your friend so you don’t have to see her posts. You can also set up a filter for ‘people you want to share silly things with’ that leaves off people like your friend.

      You get to post what you want.

    19. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      That seems really bonkers. I’m really concerned about many things happening in the world right now, but I also still live my life. It’s weirdly controlling to demand that other people only post things that are about the concerns that you deem relevant.

    20. OldJules*

      Uh… it’s Facebook. The intent of having a Facebook is so we can keep relationships alive. Not sure how to do that if ALL I see are political posts. I have very strong feelings about the election but I don’t think that is all what my friends should be posting about. What an odd thing to say…. I didn’t realize that going to concerts means you don’t support women. She might have more behind the scenes going on than just those guys going to the concerts.

    21. Observer*

      Your friend is acting like an idiot who is looking for something to be angry at.

      Tag your family as “family” and start making your posts visible to family only. Not because there is anything shameful about what you are posting, but to avoid this kind of nonsense.

    22. Bibliovore*

      I use this because I am one of the many, many librarians who read AAM. This is the only place I comment.

    23. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My FB attempts to be a politics-free zone because I use it to keep in touch with family, and my family is split red, blue, purple, rainbow… my page is all about the kids & dogs in the family, authors, and the like.

      It doesn’t always work … I had a post about my middle schooler’s sneaker hunt go political recently! But pretty much people respect my requests.

  23. Health question*

    Hi. I have read the rules about posting here, but I’m wondering if I could ask a question about anyone who posts here with pre/diabetes and what their occasional/ initial symptoms are.

    Background: for the last week I’ve been feeling slightly nauseous on a regular basis. I’ve been trying to up my protein and limit sugar and carbs during this time. Normally, I self medicate by consuming sugar, and I’m rather overweight as a result. I eat regularly, so I don’t think it’s lack of food, but my worried mind has latched on to the idea that I could be pre-diabetic. I don’t want to google this as I’d fall down a rabbit hole of diagnosis. Can anyone with diabetes help either settle my mind or suggest gently that I may need to see a doctor to get checked out?

    Thanks so much for reading/taking the time to respond.

      1. gecko*

        I’ll reply here to your health question—talk to your doctor! It could be a bit of acid reflux, it could be a food intolerance, and it may help to get an opinion. Your doctor will not hesitate to test for signs of diabetes, trust me on this one; and they may be able to refer you to a nutritionist if that’s what’s necessary.

        You have a specific complaint of regular nausea and that can really affect your life. Go to the doctor with that specific complaint, and be ready to discuss how often it occurs and how it’s affecting you. “It occurs every few days, it’s very unpleasant to wake up with nausea, it causes me to be anxious that there’s a deeper problem since diet changes have not worked.”

        Going to the doctor is a really sucky experience if you’re overweight but they are trained experts and have access to diagnostic tests & their own experience.

    2. Book Lover*

      Honestly, just go get a blood test. If you can’t afford to go to the doctor it is relatively cheap to get a glucose monitoring kit from the pharmacy and check your sugar first thing in the morning for a few days. In some states you can get labs without a doctor rx also.

      I am not saying this because I have any particular feeling that you are or are not diabetic, but because it is such an easy thing to resolve, you might as well.

    3. Fulana del Tal*

      Please go to the doctor. Like you I once had symptoms that I thought meant I was diabetic and I tried to change my habits accordingly. When I finally went to the doctors I was diagnosed as severely anemic.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Yes, please get a general blood test.
      Nausea could be anything. Pre-diabetes can have no symptoms at all.
      The possibilities are too numerous to guess what’s wrong. Please take good care of yourself.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Not a diabetic but I married into a family of diabetics. If you are PRE-diabetic that is good news in terms of you are not THERE yet. My husband went 15 years in the pre-diabetic stage. Once he was diagnosed he went another ten years with diet control only. What I am saying is that when you go to the doc, it is possible that you will not end up on insulin tomorrow. It might even be possible that you don’t even have to take meds annnnd it could very well be possible that your stomach disturbances could be due to changing your diet around.

      Again, not a doc, when my husband was diagnosed, he was running to the bathroom to pee a lot, he had frequent VERY BAD headaches if he did not eat and there were times where he would have to sleep all day. He knew it was probably diabetes because he saw his family go through the same thing.

      While you are waiting for your doctor appointment, get something like Pepto to calm your stomach and make sure you are drinking plenty of water every day.

    7. ..Kat..*

      You could just be having sugar withdrawal – lots of people have it when they significantly cut sugar from their diet. Carb withdrawal is a thing too. Is there a new food that you have added to up your protein ( or an old food that you are just eating a lot more of)? This food could be causing you problems.

      Could you be pregnant?

  24. SpiderLadyCEO*

    Thanks again to everyone who made suggestions for my trip to Chicago! I managed to cram a lot into the three days I was there, and had a marvelous time.

    1. KayEss*

      Sorry the weather was kind of unfortunate this week! Though “kind of unfortunate” is probably an accurate weather forecast for 75% of the year…

      1. SpiderLadyCEO*

        It was actually really nice when I was there (Mon-Weds) – much better than the weather here in North Dakota! I came home to snow and rain.

  25. Kate Daniels*

    I am really bummed. I was looking forward to going to this festival today because this week has been hard at work and terrible in other ways, too, but my friend just called to cancel. She says she doesn’t feel well, but this is like the fifth time she has cancelled plans at the last minute in the past few months, always day of.

    I am really introverted and it can be hard to reach out to others to set up plans. But getting cancelled on at the last minute so frequently is so very tiring. Sometimes it can be really hard when your friends are even more introverted than you because getting cancelled on makes me want to retreat and not bother making efforts in the future only to feel let down like this yet again.

    1. WellRed*

      Is going alone an option? I get that it’s funner with a friend. Also, your friend kinda sucks.

    2. Ronaldino*

      Could you head there yourself? Solo travel has it’s benefits too.
      (Failing that, your friend sounds very flakey, I’d say it’s time to build up new friendships. You deserve people who keep their word)

    3. Not A Manager*

      I would absolutely go by myself!

      Also, I understand about being introverted, but especially for something like a festival on a weekend day, lots of people enjoy a last-minute pickup plan. Sometimes that’s actually easier than trying to plan in advance. So if you happen to see a neighbor that you know casually, or if you have a friend nearby who you know isn’t swamped, just ask them if they want to join you.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      Sometimes I prefer doing these by myself. I can wander where I want and I don’t have to wait on someone else. I agree with the others, can you go alone?

    5. SparklingStars*

      I have the exact same problem. I’m making an effort to go out and do some things alone, just to get out of the house more often. Today I went on a walking tour of a local cemetery by myself, because the friends I asked were busy. I ended up having a nice time, and I even struck up a conversation with another woman who was there by herself.

    6. Kate Daniels*

      Thanks, all! I did end up still going and had a decent time, but it was kind of sad seeing everyone else with family or friends. I need to make a better attempt to make some new, more reliable friends here.

  26. Well, This Sucks*

    Any tips for gearing up to start chemo and radiation?

    I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in August. I’m 32. Everything about this completely sucks. Almost all of the cancer resources I can find are for people younger than me (I am not cancer’s definition of a Young Adult), for women with breast cancer (I get that it is important, but this month it is starting to feel like BC is the only women’s cancer anyone cares about), or for caregivers (I don’t have any!).

    Practical advice and good vibes would both be appreciated.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I really wish I had some practical things to write. My only two ‘for entertainment, in case that helps’ resources both are about breast cancer.

      The guy who does xkcd took a hiatus when his fiancee was diagnosed, and has over the years done some funny but moving cartoons. Recent one here: https://xkcd.com/1928/

      Cancer Vixen is a graphic novel about her experience by a New Yorker cartoonist. Random small detail I remember is being told that chemo would not cause guaranteed weight loss, despite her recent trip through the trattorias of Italy. https://www.amazon.com/Cancer-Vixen-Pantheon-Graphic-Library-ebook/dp/B00O02CAZC/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1538838135&sr=8-5&keywords=graphic+novel+breast+cancer

      1. Well, This Sucks*

        Thank you for these! I had forgotten that about xkcd. The “a year?” comment really resonates. Time to hit the archives!

    2. NYC Redhead*

      I have no advice, but I have plenty of good vibes going your way for strength, good caretakers, and a complete and speedy healing!

    3. Silicon Valley Girl*

      I went thru chemo & radiation for breast cancer 5 years ago (in my 40s; younger than average), so not the same, but I’d say what matters is the specific chemo & radiation regimens — that will help you figure out what side effects to prepare for. For chemo, each medication & number of courses have slightly different effects, & same with the number & type of or radiation, plus if you’re doing chemo then rads or vice versa (some ppl even do rads in between chemo, it can be very customized). Cancer . net has some good starter info & lists of questions to ask your healthcare team, & a lot of it isn’t just for one specific cancer, it’s focused on the treatment.
      Cancer does suck! How I dealt with it was researching everything & asking a zillion questions. Good luck.

      1. Well, This Sucks*

        Thank you for sharing – it helps to hear from people who have gone through similar things, past tense. It makes it feel like maybe it will actually be over, some day.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Not sure when you’re starting the chemo. If you have some time, my advice is to gain a little bit of weight now, if you can.

      If the chemo tends to cause nausea, research the best anti-nausea meds and see if you can get the doc to prescribe them in advance, instead of waiting to see how you respond. Sometimes they tend to prescribe the not-as-strong ones first, I’m not sure why. That’s fine, and you can get that scrip, but see if they will ALSO prescribe for a few of the “gold standard” ones just in case.

      If the chemo tends to cause hair loss, cut your hair now into a cute cut that you like. If you’re very invested in long hair, it can be devastating when it starts falling out.

      If you experience side-effects, try to keep in mind that whatever the treatment is doing to you, it’s doing a million times worse to the cancer and that’s the point.

      Best wishes for your treatment and recovery. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

      1. Well, This Sucks*

        Thank you – I’m going to pick up my anti-nausea meds today! This is the first time I’ve ever had a medical professional tell me NOT to lose weight – it’s kind of surreal.

    5. Alpha Bravo*

      No practical advice, but in the “good vibes” vein, my grandmother was diagnosed with cervical cancer around your age. She was treated with radiation. She passed away at 93 of old age.

      1. Well, This Sucks*

        Whoa, that *is* good vibes – especially for what must have been her era. Thanks for sharing!

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending a hug. Research, I did a flow chart diagram of the six possible protocols (if this doesn’t work, then what?) with the oncologist, and found out what blood work made the decision points. It empowered me. (I was the caregiver/ advocate).
      I’d recommend finding a support group. Even if you are older than the other women with cervical cancer, it is still good to have sisterhood and support of someone with your treatment. There were things that we didn’t know until we got personal questions answered by a good nurse (oh, that’s a related side affect? What is chemo fog?)
      The American Cancer society and other websites have good resources. DO NOT be reluctant to ask for and get help for anything. I’m a “hide in the house draw the blinds” introvert (husband had cancer) and I waited to long to ask for help. It made things harder to be too independent and it isolated us.
      Put together a care kit – scarf you love, something soft to have next to your face, a head/neck support pillow, headphones and podcasts or videos (I got him a tablet and downloaded movies to it so that he didn’t have to stream shows on the hospital wifi, which was slow). Eye mask (I rest better with dark, I like the molded foam ones that look like bra cups…) because you may be weary and not want the “hospital noise” to interrupt you when you can drop off to sleep in the early stages before the nausea hits (if that’s one of the effects).
      For us, the care kit also included lip balm and moisturizer.
      And, something brainless and a secret vice IF you can distract yourself with it. A book, word search, puzzles, something to keep head busy while the body is stuck in the chair. If you can, a journal…
      Sending a really huge hug.

    7. Kuododi*

      I am afraid I have no practical resources to suggest. My cancer was over 25 yrs ago so needless to say any resource lists I have are quite out of date. The one thing I would suggest, if you are a “hide in your cave when sick and miserable” type person is to deputize one friend or family member to be the keeper of the gate/dispenser of news until you are up to seeing people. This needs to be a person who will stand firm against family/others who might not necessarily be willing to abide by your boundaries at the time. I share your frustration about the month of October and all of the pink products available round the country for breast cancer. Where’s the same for the other cancers?

      Oh well… this is not the time to impose my exasperations on you. Please know you are in my heart and I wish you a peaceful, low-stress treatment process. Grace and peace to you and your beloved family and friends.

      1. Well, This Sucks*

        Thank you – and I appreciate hearing about other people’s exasperations, it is a good distraction from my own :)

    8. Smarty Boots*

      I’m so sorry you are going through this, and I hope you have a good support circle. My advice as a caregiver: let people help you — tell them specific things they can do to help you (vacuum, take out trash, mow lawn, go to grocery store, etc) because you are likely to be tired as well as sick. Ask the nurses at the hospital or clinic for help in connecting with others and with resources. See if there is a social worker at the facility because they will know about resources and are good at seeing the whole picture of what you may need. Talk to your insurance company now about what meds, especially pain and anti nausea meds, are covered and in what amount (we had a situation where the anti nausea med could be prescribed once a month for 28days — you see the problem. Eventually we got the insurance co to agree to cover 28 days of the med but in a lrger size pill, used a pill cutter. Yeah. ).
      Please let us know how you are doing!

      1. Well, This Sucks*

        Thank you – this is something I need to be reminded of. I live alone and it is hard to ask for help.

    9. Owler*

      It is challenging to receive a cancer diagnosis in your 30s. You are too old for the young adult world, but too young for cancer. I was diagnosed with colon cancer in my 30s (someone actually told me that she thought only old, white men got colon cancer); being a young woman with cancer that isn’t breast cancer is hard because most will want to group you into the Pink Ribbon corner. Especially in Pink-tober!

      I agree that if you can find a cervical cancer group, you should check it out. There might be a group on Facebook or at http://www.csn.org (cancer support network of the American Cancer Society). Keep mind that many of the people posting will be the ones hit hardest by the diagnosis or treatment, so their experiences won’t necessarily be yours. But you can often get tips or tricks from other survivors that won’t be evident from a general cancer survivor or even doctor.

      See if your hospital has a survivorship program or other treatment support options. Gilda’s Club has been renamed, but that is another international group to support cancer survivors that might have a branch near you.

      Set up some easy meals in your freezer that you can heat and eat. Don’t worry about calories or healthfulness too much. The important is just to eat.

      Don’t be afraid to allow friends or family to help you, but know that a lot of people will say, “let me know what I can do to help” and then just leave that offer hanging in the air with no follow through. It puts the burden on you to ask, but if you are willing to do so, people generally will be happy to support you. So have some ideas ready! Are there some areas you would like help, like dinners, yard work, appointment companionship, rides to doctor appointments, etc.? Think about who you can rely on, and how you would like support.

      At the same time, if you don’t have that kind of support network, it’s ok too. I went to all of my chemo appointments by myself, and while sometimes I felt sorry for myself that I didn’t have a gaggle of friends to distract me, I got through it. :)

      1. Well, This Sucks*

        Thank you – it really is reassuring to hear from people who have gone through similar things. Especially the feeling sorry for yourself about being alone for chemo. The nurse sounded so judgmental when she was scheduling me. “If you have anyone, you should bring them.” Well, I don’t!

        1. Maria the Librarian*

          Sorry you had that sense from the nurse. My friend has gone through two rounds of chemo, and most people in the room with her came on their own. They were reading, watching TV, on their phones, etc.

          Another friend’s advice: If you find you have a metallic taste in your mouth from chemo (some do, some don’t), really strong cinnamon gum helps.

    10. Owler*

      I can’t tell if I lost a long post or it’s in limbo-land, but I just wanted to sympathize with you on being 30-something, female, and having cancer that’s not breast cancer. It can be really isolating. I had colon cancer (sadly, on the rise in the under-40 cohort), and I have been lucky to find other survivors in my hometown. (We all hate Pinktober, btw.) Be kind to yourself.

    11. Elizabeth W.*

      No advice, but sending good vibes.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    12. Lora*

      Oh gosh. Been there.

      1. Cervical cancer is one of the more survivable ones. I don’t want to say it’s easy, but I got my first Dx when I was 26 before they had a lot of antinausea drugs and I can definitely say it’s gotten much better.

      2. Expect to be tired and need naps. No, like NEED naps. Otherwise your body will decide for you that you will be taking a nap… while you’re driving. Get lots of sleep. Don’t try to power through it.

      3. Not sure if I agree with letting other people make you food or making food ahead as your taste buds get kinda weird and some things you used to love will temporarily taste disgusting. I couldn’t eat lasagna for two years, but sushi (no spicy mayo though) became my all time favorite. Mexican food, which I normally love, made me nauseated just from the smell. Until you know what your nose and taste buds will do, be a bit fussy about making food ahead. Your senses will revert back after a couple of years probably.

      4. Be a little judicious in who you tell. After my second Dx I told only a few trusted friends. People tend to unload a lot of feelings on you and then you’re in the weird position of having to try to comfort them and manage their feelings and it’s just fking exhausting. I don’t know how you feel about people shaving their heads to try to make you feel better about thinning chemo hair, but it really just made me uncomfortable and like they had some sort of unhealthy interest in my personal life or were calling attention to it rather than letting me be normal. You might feel differently, but I really didn’t want attention paid to me because I had cancer, I wanted attention for, you know, accomplishments at work/hobbies…when I was having dark moments and feeling like hammered sht, I thought, if I have to die of this crap at least I will be remembered for (work achievement, hobby achievement). I kinda felt like I shouldn’t be defined as a person by the crummy body that was failing out from under me, but that’s what other people were doing in their reactions. YMMV.

      Good luck!

    13. Drop Bear*

      Sending good vibes.
      Have you widened your search to include sites from other countries? (Mostly we set up our browsers to search for pages in our own country first – for obvious reasons) In Australia, the Australian Cervical Cancer Foundation has quite a bit of info on their website, as do the Australian Cancer Council, and Cancer Australia (this one is the Commonwealth Govt website), and I’m sure there will be sites ‘written’ in other countries that do too.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ll send the good thoughts even though I don’t know if this other comment will be helpful.

      I had a long totally unrelated fight with being unable to keep food down. For some reason even liquids would trigger me. Can’t remember how I figured it out, but I was finally able to keep hydrated by adding some maple syrup to my water. Less sweet than typical in lemonade.
      That and won ton soup were my saviors. Not a typical “healthy diet” but since the critical thing was to keep something down, that was it for a couple of weeks.

      Anyway, just the idea that when you find something your body likes to eat, eat it!

      Oh and from a childhood experience…if they’re giving you liquid meds, ask if they can do unflavored. I had a bad reaction to one med and to this day cannot abide that flavor. My daughter’s the same way.

    15. Grace Carrington*

      Sending good vibes to you. I’m now 5.5 years post treatment for breast cancer and have been told to consider myself cured by the oncologist.

      The treatment can be awful (after chemo 6 I remember sobbing that if this comes back I am not doing chemo again*), but different chemo regimes have different side effects. One side effect of the breast cancer regime used in the UK is that you put on weight, because the only thing you can keep down is bland white carbohydrates.

      My veins collapsed after chemo 2 and I was given a portocath. That kept my hands free (and pain free) so I could knit during infusions. If possible, get one from the outset, would be my advice. Despite the blood pressure raising effect of one of my chemo drugs, when I knitted my BP was lower at the end of each session. But it just makes it easier to read, hold things with 2 hands and also go to the bathroom more easily.

      Definitely get the best anti nausea meds. Mine cost £120 a go but I only got them paid for because I was in a clinical trial. It would have been worth paying for them myself.

      If your white blood cell count drops then you may need to have an injection 3 days after the chemo session. Mine came in a spring loaded single use syringe where you just put it on your skin and pressed go. It was much better for me to take control of this and self inject, rather than travel to the hospital and wait for a nurse to be ready to see me.

      Buy some disposable absorbent pads for your bed (like puppy pads) and put one under your sheet. Have clean bedding ready at hand. I was waking up and puking so forcefully that I lost control of my bowels at the same time. Knowing my mattress was safe took down the stress of that a lot. Get something with a lid or have a large garbage bag at hand so anything you soil in the night can be contained until you can deal with it.

      Puking continued – I had a large bucket covered by a towel at my bedside, a pack of wet wipes and a large glass of water. So I could wake up, throw up, rinse my mouth and clean my hands and face, cover it up and go back to sleep. Assume puking is possible for the first 72 hours after treatment.

      There are a number of reasons that you could get night sweats. I slept on a big absorbent bath towel, and had a pile of them by my bed so I could get a fresh one every time I woke up.

      Plan ahead, chemo and radiotherapy can make you very tired. Chemo 1 I had 3 bad days and 18 good days. By chemo 6 the proportions were reversed. Stock up on groceries and maybe bulk cook and freeze food you like. But keep it bland – your taste buds will change temporarily.

      * despite all of the above, if my cancer came back I would absolutely have every treatment possible.

      From speaking with other women in treatment at my local cancer drop in centre, I learned that radiotherapy in the pelvic area can cause tightening shortening and stiffening of the tissues of the vagina. If this would be an issue for you then ask about using vaginal dilators and use them as soon as you are cleared to do so.

      Hope this isn’t too late to be seen.

    16. Mobuy*

      I finished my chemo 5 years ago this Friday! I was diagnosed at 35. Here are my tips!

      1. Get a wig with short hair, no matter your length now. When you take off your wig you will have short hair, and I wish my wig and my new hair matched better.

      2. Zofran is amazing….and gave me horrible constipation. They should give you more than one anti-nausea, so use both. I also took Senna before chemo each time.

      3. Take anti-nauseas before getting sick!

      4. If your radiation is external, 100% aloe is great for the sunburny feeling. I’m generally skeptical of anything that smacks of alternative medicine, but aloe is amazing. You need the 100% stuff you get at a health food store.

      You got this. It sucks but you can do it.

  27. Ronaldino*

    Movie Recommendation!
    I just walked Venom this weekend and I tell you, it is the utterly weirdest Superhero movie ever. I went in expecting a dark, angsty, adult version of Spiderman. Instead we get a hilarious buddy cup movie. Very refreshing!
    Plus Riz Ahmed is great as an evil Elon Musk.

    1. Red Reader*

      My housemate and I went last night, and before we went he saw a review that called it “the best movie of 2004.” And we came out agreeing that yeah, that’s about right :) Quite enjoyable.

    2. Fulana del Tal*

      I saw on Thursday and really enjoyed it. The most distracting thing was Michelle Williams horrible wig. It was a fun movie, just make sure you stay to the end of the credits.

    3. Elizabeth W.*

      Oh I don’t know about this one. I’m a huge Marvel fan and I love Tom Hardy and Michelle Williams, but it just looks stupid to me.

  28. dumblewald*

    I just got my signed copy of An Absolutely Remarkable Thing in the mail and am so excited to read it!

    1. Sapphire*

      Haha, I tried to start an AART thread at the same time you did. I’m going to read it this weekend to avoid spoilers.

    2. This is the story of a man named Neil Fisk*

      I read Allison’s book recommendation An Absolutely Remarkable Thing last night. A fun and interesting book (and the protagonist had a lot in common with my daughter, which especially resonated with me). I’m unfamiliar with the author Hank Green, but he writes very well in a clean, tightly crafted style reminiscent of John Scalzi.

      It is indeed a First Contact tale that makes some interesting observations on fame, and also takes a few punches at current news and social media.

      That said, I was not fond of the ending. I’d guess there’s a sequel in the works, but yeesh: can’t anyone write a decent self-contained novel anymore?

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oh people WRITE them… but publishers want the series and ask for a hook to book 2. :(

        It’s right up there with “great book, but you need to add more sex.”

  29. Sapphire*

    I got my copy of An Absolutely Remarkable Thing in the mail last week, and I might finish it over the weekend. I enjoy John Green’s novels, but he is definitely writing for teenagers, and I discovered the Vlogbrothers in college. Hank Green feels like he’s writing for me.

    1. Forking great username*

      Would you recommend it for John Green fans? (Yeah yeah, I read YA lot. But hey, I teach high school English.)

      1. Sapphire*

        I’d say if you like John Green, but are frustrated that he doesn’t write stories for adults, you’d enjoy this one (full disclosure, I didn’t finish the book when I thought I would, but I want to keep reading it).

  30. veira*

    i wrote a long and well-reviewed piece of fanfiction that i’m thinking of turning into an actual published book after some intense editing (not only name-changing, but fleshing out some details, etc). at what point do you think i should remove the fanfiction version of it? when i’m querying agents?

    1. Kate Daniels*

      I would go ahead and give your readers a heads’ up that you are planning on removing it and wait a couple of weeks so they can read it one more time and then take it down. And make sure the revision is truly more than just finding and replacing names of characters, of course!

      1. Kate Daniels*

        (Which you have already noted!) One of my favorite series started as fan fiction, so I wish you the best of luck!

    2. Sorcha*

      My friends who have done this have waited until they had reworked the fic into something they thought would be ready for querying, then notified their followers/readers that the fic would be taken down at a certain point (either a specific date or in a set time). Then they removed it, waited a bit, then started querying with it.

      It worked for three of them.

    3. SpiderLadyCEO*

      Literally never! Don’t take it down! If you posted on AO3, just leave it up and lock it. I don’t think there is any reason to take a fic down once it’s published. I highly doubt the publishing company is going to go looking for it anyway, and your original readers probably want to go back to it.

      I know a couple of authors have taken this route (locking and leaving it up) and as far as I know they have never had an issue, and I love being able to read the nonfanfic version and the fic version side by side.

  31. Sapphire*

    Crafting thread (pun intended this time)! What are you working on?

    My main project, the vest, is all done except for the zipper and weaving in the ends. I currently have plans to start a lace shrug as soon as I buy the yarn, and a crocheted i-cord rug as soon as I buy the hook. I also want to make my first pair of socks this winter, so I need to find some yarn for that as well. I’m really picky about the socks I buy, though, so that might be difficult.

    1. Bigglesworth*

      I’ve recently gotten into doing acrylic dirty pours. I did two canvasses last weekend and need to prep another one for this weekend. :)

    2. Red Reader*

      Oh, lessee. Right now I am about a third of the way through an illusion-knit scarf for my husband — the first thing I’ve ever knit for him, because he’s super picky, so in the past, any time he’s been like “would you knit me this?” I’ve been like “I will if you really want it, but it’s gonna take like $100 worth of yarn and 80+ hours of my time, so are you going to wear it enough to justify that?” and he’s always said no, he probably wouldn’t. But this time, he said yes, he would wear it, and he bought the yarn, so I’m going at it. It’s neat, I’ve never done illusion knitting before. Straight on, it’s just copper and red stripes, but if you lay it out flat and look at it down an angle, it’s got some of the script off the One Ring (from LOTR) down the length of it.

      I have other projects on needles too, but nothing that’s consistently getting worked on.

    3. HannahS*

      I’m THIS close to finishing a Harvest cardigan, the pattern from tincanknits. I’m pleased with it. No pockets though. J think my next cardigan, which will be lovely shawl-collared rose pink aran cabled extravagance, will have pockets.

      1. Sapphire*

        Yep. I chose the vest I’m working on specifically because of the pockets, and the cable patterns.

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      Most of my stuff at the moment is bitty projects on all the stuff I want to wear this autumn/winter – fixing rips, putting new zips in skirts, taking in tops etc. It’s stuff I’ve been neglecting over the summer, so it’s actually quite nice to do all those little jobs! Plus it feels like I’ve actually accomplished something when I’ve done a pile of mending/alterations.

    5. wingmaster*

      I’ve been putting it off for so long, but I have a few patches that I want to put on a denim jacket. I also have a few old pairs of denim jeans that I’d like to repurpose.

      1. Red Reader*

        Anything in particular in mind to do with the jeans? I decided once, like five years ago, that I wanted to make a patchwork skirt out of the seat pockets of jeans, purely for entertainment value. So I bought a zillion and three pairs of worn-out jeans at the by-the-pound goodwill outlet on sale day, and …. now I have two zillion and six (roughly) seat pockets stuffed into an old rice sack on a bottom shelf in my office. Hah. (I gave the rest of the pants to my mom, who was working on a denim patchwork quilt for her grandson at the time, so at least those didn’t go to waste.)

        1. wingmaster*

          Haha, nice! I’m thinking of making an oversized cardigan. I don’t know if I want to bleach it first.

    6. Lunar Rainbow*

      I have an aran afghan that I’ve been working on a little at a time. It doesn’t look like much of anything as of yet (I’m only around 10 rows in), but it has been interesting so far. I’ve already encountered a stitch pattern that is new to me and it’s been fun figuring it out! The intent is to finish the afghan by Christmas so that I can gift it to my mother, but due to some ongoing health issues, it might end up as a Mother’s Day present instead.

    7. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I’m suppose to be unpacking the storage unit stuff that’s stacked in my house but I did find my entire box of patterns and all my thread, so while I’m not YET working on anything specific, I can now hope and dream.
      Does anyone else buy patterns as part of their “intent to do?” I used to buy the whole thing (pattern, notions, and the fabric) but frequently didn’t get to it before it was outdated. At least the patterns are small (but increasingly expensive). Now, I have enough patterns that I can repurpose them for the rest of my life and not have to “really” buy many more for sewing.
      The crocheting… I will have to wait until I get that unpacked to see if the yarn and half-finished baby afghans made it through the storage unit and mice intact.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I feel your pain on the storage woes… I’m in the middle of trying to determine what is salvageable after discovering that our land drains got blocked and moisture has been seeping into the basement & garage all this wet summer. :( I’m about to bleach sweaters knit by my husband’s aunt because gentle wash didn’t get rid of the mildew smell. Thank goodness she liked acrylic…

    8. Shrunken Hippo*

      I have to finish the face of a crocheted stuffed animal, work on a sweater that I started for my mom last year (I lost the motivation to crochet for about months for whatever reason), and finish sewing a button down shirt. I might also bake and sketch depending on my mood and how many library books I get completely absorbed in.

    9. Llellayena*

      I’m trying desperately to finish piecing a twin sized quilt top before next Saturday because I’ve rented time on a long-arm to quilt it. Yay! Speed Sewing! Fortunately I’m down to just the border and the backing so I’m in good shape. On a related note, this weekend I’m volunteering at my guild’s quilt show so I’m surrounded by inspiration! :)

    10. Cristina in England*

      I finished my third neckwarmer in a month (for a kind of charity project). I might work on a fourth but my fingers are getting a bit sore from it all! I still need to start my mum’s hat and neckwarmer for Christmas.

    11. The Other Dawn*

      I used to do cross stitch and would love to get back into it. I started a kit maybe 10 years ago and haven’t finished t yet. I’m thinking I’d like to get back to it this winter. I’d also love to learn how to knit, but I haven’t made any effort to find a class yet other than checking my local national craft store–they aren’t offering any classes right now.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        There are open stitch n botch groups in many places. A knitting group at our library, the “string thing” at a local coffee shop, and I’m sure there are some at the yarn shops too but I avoid those because I already have enough stash to last years!
        I found “my” group by tagging along on a museum visit with friends from another hobby…. turns out the group has a FB page if I’d thought to look.

    12. Tau*

      I picked up sewing this summer, and although it’s currently stalled because I need to finish these curtains and am putting them off I totally want to make a hoodie with plush lining in the hood. Still need the fabric for it though, and although I have a pattern I really need to learn how to adjust them – I made a T-shirt from the same book and it fits really badly around the shoulder/armpit.

      I’m also tempted to make another stab at a super-gorgeous fingerless glove pattern, but I haven’t been knitting as much recently (it just takes so long D:) and I’ve always struggled with the pattern in question because I can’t get the gauge right – even with 2mm needles and some really thin yarn, my stitches just come out too big. :(

        1. Tigrrrr*

          Wow! Those ARE gorgeous! I’ll be adding them to my very long Ravelry list. Thanks for the link!

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Far far too much of my time has been taken up with unscheduled home maintenance and I’ve lost my socks-in-progress after I finally found someone to talk me through turning the heel.

      I have 3 things going… a crocheted dishcloth (one of many because I’m on a tear to use up all the old partial balls of cotton)… a corner to corner afghan that I’m going to watch TV under as it grows… and a lenghthwise scarf (http://www.crazyauntpurl.com/archives/2010/02/my_new_favorite.php). This one I take to events where I don’t know a lot of people–every row is a different yarn, and I ask someone else to pick the next one. Its been a fun ice-breaker. I remain amazed at how popular the glittery Muppet fun-fur has been…and I just threw it in be can the colors matched.

  32. Lauren*

    I like this guy, yet I never do anything when it comes to crushes. I’m afraid that I’ll be single forever because I am very shy and quiet, so the guy never knows that I like him. I’ve been on dates, but they were set-ups from family/friends that never amounted to anything. I overthink things all of the time, but I guess I’m afraid of rejection. I would like to be in a relationship, or at least be friends with more guys, but I don’t know how to start/where to begin? Is there some secret that I’m missing out on? Any advice? Thank you.

    1. Bigglesworth*

      One of my close friends is dealing with the same situation you are. Although being rejected sucks, there is closure in it. Personally, I hate not knowing more than I hate being rejected (because what if they like you back). The worst that could happen is that the guy you like says no. The other thing that could happen, though, is that they say yes! You’ll never know unless you ask.

      Also, what hobbies do you have? If you want to get to know more guys or people in general, see if there are any groups nearby that do things that you want to do. My introverted friends have found people they like through hiking groups, pottery/painting classes, gyms, table-top gaming groups, local book clubs, etc. If they were doing something they enjoyed, it wasn’t such a drain on their socialization battery life. Pick one thing you like and you could find people, including guys, who like it too.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        +1 to finding a like-minded partner by doing something you are enthusiastic about. If you are looking for a make, there’s some truth to stereotypes that they’re more often found among brewers and sports fans and D&D than in sewing groups. So think about which of your interests might be a higher % male so you have a topic to discuss or do together with that cutie. “I’m thinking about going to that mead-making workshop in NearbyTown next weekend…want to carpool?” There are intersections in some corners of the world. Just for one, Ren Faire & SCA bring sewing enthusiasts together with martial arts types & brewers every week. “I heard you talking about needing a new tunic for BigTournament next month… I love sewing… do you want to have me work on it with you?”

    2. thehighercommonsense*

      There is no downside to asking! Worst case, you are in the same situation as you were before (albeit with the added sting of rejection, I guess that is a downside). Rejection fades, though, and Bigglesworth is right, you’ll get closure.

      I was trying to find a Carolyn Hax piece on risk, but I can’t seem to uncover it. Anyway, her advice boiled down to Just Do It. Trying (and failing) is what makes you an interesting person.

      “Wanna go grab coffee sometime?” is not too difficult to ask, I swear.

      1. Sapphire*

        It is really hard when you’ve got a crush on someone to ask them for a coffee or a drink, but I’ve found that it’s easier to ask in a text-based medium.

    3. Parenthetically*

      I’ve spent my life as a person who gets a lot of crushes, and in my experience the worst thing to do is to let it stay a crush. It gets blown out of all proportion and suddenly you’re totally paralyzed. Either act on it quickly by asking the person out, or deliberately let it go. The reason I didn’t do that for most of my life, I discovered in therapy (shoutout to therapy!), is that a crush is safer and easier than putting myself out there, and that I’d rather not try hard things and fail than try and fail, because at least I didn’t expend any effort! It was a very unhealthy way to go through life!

      I don’t know what would work for you, but for me, I turned it into a numbers game — I’ll ask X number of dudes out this month, and I’ll wait no more than 3 interactions to do so (for instance). I’ll attend 3 Meetup-type activities this quarter. Etc. In my experience it’s really, really hard to “work up the nerve” to do things, because the longer you wait, the bigger the thing becomes in your head (or at least that’s how it works for me!)… so just… don’t work up the nerve! Do it instead of waiting until you feel ready!

    4. Kuododi*

      No secret…if you don’t ask, you’ll never know!!! I have asked my fair share of guys out in my time, most were lovely people who for various reasons we decided we weren’t going to go on to any type of life long commitment. The ones I’ve kept in touch with have gone on to meet and marry who for them were the right choices. I have dated some j********s and thankfully those were few and far between. I asked DH out on our first date….(I’m introverted, I pale in comparison to how much difficulty he has in new social situations.). He invited me to his place for dinner the following week. Lonk story short we’ll be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this January!!! Best wishes!!!

      1. Kuododi*

        Grrrr… still in the big bandage after carpal tunnel surgery…. Butterfingers….(Long story short…)

    5. Indie*

      Make it your goal to find/accept the word no gracefully. Don’t let rejection be the boogieman. It’s not to be avoided; its an absoutely critical part of the process of elimination. Someone tells you no, smile and say thank you anyway. Someone doesnt flirt back, laugh at yourself and try again. It’s not a comment on your worth; people are more likely to not be your lobster than a match. I find it easier to practice online because you never have to see them again and dates are an expected topic. If you like someone in RL, act quickly while they’re still acquaintance level and ask for something low stakes; coffee rather than love. Good luck!

  33. BRR*

    Lately I keep getting oil-based stains in the same spot (right side, mid abdomen). My husband has gotten a few in the same spot as well which I think is a little strange since I’m a good 7 inches taller so I would think we wouldn’t get stains in the same spot. Anybody have any thoughts on this? I don’t even know what to hope for for answers but I’m at the end of my rope since it’s ruined a few of my favorite items as my success rate at getting oil-based stains out is hit or miss.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Like, on your clothes? Could you be rubbung up against something? Edge of the counter, maybe?

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Also: to get them out: I use a bit of mild dawn on the stain before I wash. Dab it on, let it sit for a few minutes, wash, do not put in the dryer until you know the stain is gone. I’ve also had success with Goo Gone, but too much can really strip colour from clothes so go easy on it.

      2. BRR*

        Ah yeah sorry, on my clothes. I also meant to say I cleaned the edge of basically everything in my apartment.

    2. Slartibartfast*

      Dripping things while you’re eating? For oil stains, I have the best luck with Dawn dish soap to pretreat, wash as usual, check before drying to see if you got it all.

    3. Enough*

      Even at different heights there are things that you both might hit at the same place. So look for things around your house or car. The area you mention sounds like you both might be coming up against something when you are sitting. Or something you are holding.

      1. Enough*

        And try a stain stick. The kind that you can leave on and wait to wash. I have found waiting a few days seems to really help and has worked on some already washed and dried stains.

    4. Nerdgal*

      Murphy’s Oil Soap works great on greasy stains. Rub a little in, let it sit for an hour or so, then wash as usual. Do not dry in dryer until you are sure stain is gone.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        ALB, our minds went in the same direction, I thought steering wheel. I know I can rub against mine getting in and out of the car.

    6. ArtK*

      Probably something when you’re sitting down since that would level out the height issue. Check any tables or counters you sit at, as well as your car if you drive the same one. Is there something you both might lean over?

      I have *some* luck with Stain Devils in removing oil stains but it’s not perfect by any chance.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      No clue on where the stain’s coming from, but another vote for washing up liquid/dish soap as a stain remover. Apply it to the back of the fabric (as this is where the stain’s likely to have set the least), work it in, rinse it out with cold water, then wash as normal. I’ve got blood, chilli sauce, foundation and coffee out of clothes this way and saved quite a few favourite pieces.

    8. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I already mentioned Jolie Kerr once above, but I’m going to mention her again because her oil-cleaning recommendations saved my favorite pair of sweatpants after I spilled olive oil on them. I saw her recommend a cleaning product called Lestoil that takes out oil stains, as long as they haven’t gone through the dryer yet. I ordered it on Amazon and it worked.

    9. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Oh, this happened to me once! It was from my screen door – I would open the door and rest it on my hip while unlocking in the inner door. Took me months to figure it out!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      What I would do is start the day with a clean shirt check before you leave for work, check at noon and check before dinner. Make note of what you are doing during the day. Since both you and your husband get it, it something that you share. You might have a clothes hanger that has oil on it for some reason. Or maybe you take your clothes in the bathroom to dress after a shower and put them in the same place.

      It could be something you guys are carrying and holding against your bellies.

      It would be interesting to hear what it is when you figure it out.

    11. Sarah G*

      Use talc powder or cornstarch to remove oil stains — it works really well. Just sprinkle it on the stain, shake off excess, let it sit for a bit, then wash as normal. Repeat as needed for larger oil stains. It’s one of my all time favorite life hacks!

  34. miyeritari*

    how do YOU come up with the name you use in the Ask a Manager comments? do you use your regular internet psueonym, if you have one? do you make it relevant to your topic? do you keep the same one consistently?

    1. Femme D'Afrique*

      I’m an African woman, so that’s how I came up with my AAM name (plus Femme d’Afrique was a popular fashion magazine in the 80s and 90s that I absolutely loved).

      I don’t use it on any other site, just here.

      1. TheTallestOneEver*

        My answer is almost as simple – it’s because I’m tall.
        This is just my AAM name.

    2. Kate Daniels*

      This is the main character in one of my favorite book series. It’s not the same thing I use for other parts of the Internet.

      2. Ender Wiggin*

        Favourite character in a book. I only changed my name once after a few people (intentionally I think) misinterpreted a comment I made and decided to hate on me and I thought hey life’s too short to deal with haters every week. Otherwise I stick to the same name.

      3. Waiting At The DMV*

        Best name ever, Kate Daniels. How did you like the series ending?? I loved it. :)

    3. MommaCat*

      Mine is my personalized version of Mama Cass; I grew up with a number of cats, and I had just had my oldest when I picked the name. I don’t post on many sites, but I do tend to use variations on this name.

    4. Red Reader*

      This isn’t my regular, but I use it here and on Captain Awkward. I have red hair and read 13 books on my six-day vacation last week — hence, Red Reader. I started out with just Red when I first came here, but shortly discovered someone else was using that, so I expanded.

    6. Detective Amy Santiago*

      When I first started commenting here, I was using my regular internet handle. I did that for a few months and then switched to this after I binged Brooklyn Nine Nine because I really liked Amy and wanted something that was a bit more anonymous.

      Unless I’m talking about something particularly sensitive, I always use this name.

    7. HannahS*

      Mine is just a name I like with a made up last initial. I have a different pseudonym elsewhere on the internet which is a pun on my real name with a similar structure of Hebrew first and German Jewish animal last name. Like, if my real name was Pnina Wolf, (pearl wolf) my pseudonym would be Margalit Loeb (pearl lion). But Hannah is just a name like.

    9. kc89*

      I use this one which is just letters and numbers that sound nice together imo, but I do switch it up if I want to comment something extra anon

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      Mine is from one of my favourite movie characters. I have used it elsewhere on the internet, but only in one place. I picked it for AAM because it felt in keeping with the style of the board (I’ve noticed a lot of people using fictional character names, so thought this was a good option).

    11. epi*

      I post as epi or epidemiologist most places.

      Paradoxically it’s for my privacy. It’s harder to Google than a pseudonym. I’ve had more unique ones over the years, and as a result a mentally ill person who used a site I used to moderate has tracked me down several times and left obscene messages. I’m not afraid of her or anything, but if she could find me then someone more malicious could have too.

      Also, I really love public health and health topics, and sharing my knowledge when I think it could help someone. So it’s also about truth in advertising. :)

    12. Fulana del Tal*

      I rarely post but its Jane Doe in spanish. I have another pseudonym when I want to discuss something related to my occupation.

    14. The RO-Cat*

      Initially I had a different handle but a while ago Alison (or someone else, I don’t remember exactly) wanted to know where from we were, so I put that info in my nickname: Cat is a part of my name, RO is the country code.

    15. Silicon Valley Girl*

      I wanted something work related just for AAM, I work in high-tech, & I’m an GenXer so it reminds me of the silly song & movie ;)

    16. Slartibartfast*

      I only use this one here. It’s my second, my first username was too common, and I did use a one time name for a rather identifiable post. It’s a character whose name is not important :)

    17. Square Root Of Minus One*

      My usual Internet name was taken. This one is gender neutral, and a periphrase for “I” to mathematicians.
      I liked it :)

    18. Alpha Bravo*

      Originally I commented as QualityControlFreak due to my job. When my husband passed away and the director terminated me seven weeks later, I switched to my current name. It’s just my initials.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Hello, nice to hear from you. I hope you’re holding up okay. No need to reply or give any details beyond yes, no, or no comment. Also, please don’t feel stalked or uneasy. I hadn’t thought of you for quite some time before reading your AAM name here. Think of this as a positive effect: “what happens on AAM stays on AAM.” No offense intended!

        1. Alpha Bravo*

          Hello Jean, I always enjoy reading your comments. You are so kind and thoughtful. I’m doing pretty well, using the time off to get some major things accomplished around my house and property. And I’m incredibly lucky to actually have a job waiting for me when I’m ready to go back to work. So no complaints.

    19. LuJessMin*

      My usual internet name is my initials followed by the state I live in. Here I use a mixture of my cats’ names, Lucy (actually my mom’s cat that I inherited after she died), Jesse, and Mindy.

    20. LemonLyman*

      I love the West Wing and figured this group of people is more likely to understand where the name came from. I don’t post elsewhere on the web but if I did, I may or may not use this.

    21. Mrs. Fenris*

      My husband’s online gamer name is Fenris. He posts in game chats and make frequent references to “Mrs. Fenris” (as in “Gotta go, Mrs. Fenris has dinner ready”or whatever). It’s kind of a dumb name, especially for a work-related forum, since it says nothing at all about me personally or professionally. I had another name that I used in a few variations pretty much everywhere else. I’ve recognized a few names here from another forum, so that’s kind of cool.

    22. Myrin*

      I’m one of these people who uses the same name all across the internet (sometimes modified with an additional word if it’s already taken). #
      It’s not a pun on the Japanese rice wine, I don’t have anything to do with the Icelandic-Danish drama mystery, and I’m also not the Youtube design channel based in New Zealand. (And I’m admittedly shocked by that last one, which I only just found out about. I’ve always thought that, should I ever finally create a Youtube account for myself, I’d be able to use this name, but apparently not. Hrmpf.)
      Rather, it’s just the theoretical nickname of my middle name mashed together with the beginning of my hometown’s name.

    23. Annie Moose*

      I’ve been using this one for quite awhile! I got inspired by someone else on a different site (it’s a take on “Anonymous”, of course) and have been using it ever since. I do use it consistently (no guarantees that other Annie Mooses on the web are me because it’s a fairly obvious name, but some of them are), unless I’m talking about potentially identifiable information, when I’ll just change it to “anon for this” or something like that.

      Weirdly, this isn’t the same pseudonym I use most places on the internet. I don’t know if it was a conscious decision or what, but I tend to use this one when it’s topics that are closer to “real life” (work, religion, health, etc.)–stuff I don’t necessarily want linked to my main online identity (which I’ve been using since I was 14, so, y’know, has not always made the wisest decisions).

    24. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Mine is a frequent phrase from one of the best shows of all time, Leverage. I only use it here.

    25. Shrunken Hippo*

      I grew up in Canada and watched the house hippo psa and I have invisible illnesses that I try to live with by thinking of them as a hippo (big and can suddenly attack you with more strength than you thought possible), but one that is shrunken now that I have better treatments. Also I like to sketch cute little hippo cartoons.

    26. Parenthetically*

      It’s a version of my name from The Toast (RIP), which I used because it was in a book I grabbed at random and opened at random.

    27. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Well, we often use Teapots as examples, and one day I got the song stuck in my head….

    28. Mimmy*

      Before my current name, I used my real first name with various initials attached. Then, in wanting more anonymity, an awesome commenter christened me with this name (miss you Jamie!!). I believe it is the name of a Hello Kitty character, and Jamie said I reminded her of said character.

      I’m only on one other site that allows anonymous user names, and I use a completely different name there.

    29. Sparkly Librarian*

      Well, I have to distinguish myself from all the other library folk around here, and I oftentimes just shake glitter over the top of my head and call it good… at this point I’m easily doxxed.

      I don’t use this ‘nym elsewhere, and I have two consistent anonynyms here: one for stuff from my previous job (when I started commenting and used a bit more discretion) and another for gross medical stuff.

      1. CatMintCat*

        I was watching the cat play with catmint one day, and there we were.

        I only use it here – I change usernames regularly now, and try to be different at each site I join in, after picking up a particularly nasty stalker who started following me around the interweb.

    31. KayEss*

      I use variations on “KS” across most places, usually topic-specific combinations of words that start with K and S, for reasons that are too complicated to explain and also not very interesting. (They aren’t my initials.) I discovered quickly when I got here that if I wanted to find my comments quickly to see if there were any replies, I’d need something that didn’t make me scan through every instance of “thanks” on the page.

    32. Aphrodite*

      I use the name of one of my cats, which is the name of a Greek goddess associated with love, beauty, pleasure, and procreation.

      1. Aphrodite*

        And I use the name exclusively here at AAM. I use a different name at every place I post at all, which is not that many.

    33. SpiderLadyCEO*

      Mine is a running joke on my fashion sense, which is best described as professional goth. It’s one of about 1,000 usernames I use.

    34. OldJules*

      I’ve been using the same name on AAM since I’m a long time follower (admirer). Having said that, I do have periods where I get annoyed by something (typically comments)/busy with life/busy with work and not be back for a long time (because I need some space for perspective). When I came back, someone else had use the handle so I figured since I was the old one, I call myself OldJules. But I was called Jules all my life :)

    35. Drop Bear*

      Mythical Australian beast! Sort of like a ferocious koala. My manager once told me I was like one – said I looked cute and cuddly but I occasionally made ‘lethal’ attacks. She then excused herself to ‘Go and report myself to HR’ but came back with a very tasty latte for me, which made me think she never went near HR because their coffee sucks!

    36. Pathfinder Ryder*

      This isn’t my usual username – it’s a character from a game franchise I like, and ironically not even one I’m particularly fond of, but a gender neutral title. I didn’t want one relevant to my job(s) because I’m trying to change careers.

    38. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Elseweb I’ve tended to use variations on my name and a childhood nickname, but I am going a little more anonymous as my child approaches social media age.
      I was feeling rather blue&nostalgic the day I went to make my first CaptainAwkward post. And I decided to turn the nostalgia on its head to be a positive.
      I only use it there & here, and here only because the OS filled it in for me.

  35. Anon anony*

    I know what I should probably see my dermatologist for this, but I just wanted to see if anyone else experienced this first. My arm pits have been really itchy. I’ve tried different razors, shaving creams, deodorant, etc. I’m fine during the day, but when I get home from work, I’m just scratching them like crazy. Does anyone experience this?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I had this problem. From what I’ve read it could be anything from razor burn to allergies. The first time it happened I had switched to a new deodorant right before that was stronger than the old so obviously it was too strong and switching out worked. This time I hadn’t changed anything but I’ve found that a little hydrocortisone rubbed on when I notice it helps.

      But that’s the easy answer. The right answer is probably a dermatologist like you said.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      This type of thing happens to me regularly when the seasons change and my skin gets dry, especially from summer to fall. I itch like crazy in all kinds of spots, including my armpits, at night. Moisturizing helps.

    3. thexlioness*

      I get this too! Finding a combination of razors and deodorant that limit the irritation has helped. I also read that if you exfoliate your armpits a little (and rinse off the exfoliant) before shaving it helps to prevent irritation. I also have a tube of hydrocortisone cream that I apply after shaving if I suspect it’s going to be a problem and that seems to go a long way!

    4. Ron McDon*

      I had this, and it was my deodorant. The reason it happened late in the day was that it took that long for the reaction to start. I switched to a sensitive anti perspirant and that seems to have done the trick. I kept the old spray (as i’m frugal and don’t like throwing things away), and started using it when I ran out of the sensitive spray, and sure enough I had itchy armpits again in a day or so!

      1. Anon anony*

        I was using Degree and switched to Dove Sensitive. It helped a little, but there is still some irritation.

        1. Ron McDon*

          I use soft & gentle anti perspirants ( I’m in the UK, don’t know if you have these in US?).

          When I was on holiday in the US last year, I bought a really good stick deodorant in CVS pharmacy – I think it was their own brand, but not sure. It was something like green tea and cucumber? It was green packaging. That was brilliant – non irritating and kept me dry.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Yes, I have had this problem!!

      Try to minimize deodorant use until this resolves. You have to wear it to work, obviously, but wash it off carefully when you get home, and don’t wear it on weekends if you don’t have to.

      Either stop shaving, or shave carefully every day, using “best practices” like being sure the hair is well softened by moist heat before you shave, and using good lubricant on your razor.

      MOST IMPORTANT: Get some OTC cortisone ointment (not creme if you have a choice). Put on a thin layer of that before you use deodorant, after you wash it off, and after you shave.

      Try switching to an unscented product. I’ve had good luck with the Dove brand unscented.

    6. The New Wanderer*

      I get this on occasion from using CertainDri deodorant, more when I first started and rarely these days after using it for several years. Hand lotion takes the edge off the itch.

    7. Chaordic One*

      In addition to changing your antiperspirant/deodorant, which others have suggested, sometimes it can be related to the change of seasons and the fall and winter air being more dry. When bathing you might try using a very gentle soap (and definitely not a deodorant soap). My favorite is Dove “Winter Care” which can be kind of hard to find. The stores around here only carry it in the fall and winter, but I have seen it at my local WalMart last week. If you take baths you might try using a bath oil when you do.

      If the problem is sever you might go without antiperspirant/deodorant for a few days and use dress shields (yes, I know they’re kind of a pain to use).

    8. AcademiaNut*

      I have issues with this intermittently, and thinking about it, it’s usually in the evenings. It’s worse in dry climates, so I think it’s a dry skin/irritation thing. I find it helps to vigorously exfoliate regularly, and to moisturize before going to bed with a gentle moisturizer. I use an epilator, so it’s not irritation from shaving. I have sensitive skin generally, so I tend to keep skin products to a minimum.

      Be careful with OTC cortisone creams – they’re not intended to be used for more than about two weeks, as they can cause thinning of the skin when used for too long.

    9. Cristina in England*

      When I lived in the US I used to use a product called Bump Patrol. It’s actually for black men to use on their face to soothe razor bumps, so it was always hidden in a far corner of my Walgreen’s, but it worked fantastically on underarms too.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It’s possible for chemical sensitivity to change over time. Sometimes even the inactive ingredients can be a problem. My RN friend recently narrowed down her problem to one particular chemical in solid deodorant, and of course i cant remember what it was…but Tom’s of Maine roll-on doesn’t have it.

  36. Tedious Cat*

    I really want a great, built-to-last pair of black boots that can be resoled and hopefully worn for decades. I’m willing to spend, but want to make sure I’m getting good value. Any brand recommendations?

    3. HannahS*

      Blondo! I got winter boots from there four years ago that still look new. I take good care of them, but I live in Canada and I put them through a lot. They’re great.

    4. Lauren*

      I’m not sure if you’re talking about snow boots, but I love mine from Sorel. Otherwise I have a pair from Clarks that I love for the fall weather.

      1. Silicon Valley Girl*

        Second on Clarks. I have a pair that I’ve walked miles & miles in for about 10 years so far, & maybe just now might need to resole. The uppers are in excellent condition.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      If you’re not talking winter boots, I recommend Fluevogs. Spendy, but they last forever and a lot of them are resole-able. And some are on sale right now.

    6. Extra Vitamins*

      La Canadienne: on the dressier side, women’s boots ( but come in some larger sizes)
      Wolverine: more rugged, lots of “ work” boots, including steel-toed and electrical soles. Considerably more options for larger sizes marketed to men. My Wolverine boots lasted 17 years.
      Ariat: more western-y looking, and cowboy boots. I can’t remember how old my Ariats are.

    7. KR*

      Redskin leather lace up boots. Mine have a flat heel and are meant for motorcycles. I have worn mine on minor hikes, through snow and manure, through mud and deserts, on the job, ect. They keep me warm and dry and have good support.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Not sure if they make boots, but Monroe American shoes have been worth the price to me for office use. I tried them after reading about the factory keeping the shoes on lasts a full 24 hours instead of hot-drying them. And they really did stay a nice shape longer than usual on my wonky feet.

  37. Bigglesworth*

    TL;DR – Husband has ADD and we would like advice on how to figure out this new diagnosis.

    Does anyone have advice concerning adult ADD? My husband’s doc recently prescribed him Adderall to use alongside his anxiety and depression meds. Apparently one of DH’s elementary school teachers told the in-laws she thought he had ADD. Instead of taking him to a doc, they decided to withdraw him from the school and start homeschooling him (as a fellow homeschooled, this pisses me off fyi). Throughout his life, DH has struggled to remember basic life functions, is easily distracted, failed at school unless someone is there to walk him through it, spaces out easily, etc. As you can imagine, this has been a struggle for me since I’m the one who ends up doing everything that he forgets to do.

    If the Adderall works, this may be a total game changer for us. Our marriage is rocky right now, because after five years I’m tired of helping DH learn how to be an adult and he’s tired of forgetting everything. We both know meds are the entire solution, but we aren’t sure where to go from here. Counselor? ADD coach? Try to figure it out on our own?

    Any advice or personal stories from either those who have ADD or are married to someone with ADD would be appreciated!

    1. MommaCat*

      As someone who suspects that I have ADHD, might I recommend the YouTube show howtoADHD? She has a lot of good tips and tricks. If he’s down with gamification, Habitica (an app) might be a good fit. I’ve had to try a bunch of things to find what sticks, so don’t be surprised if he has to, as well. I’ve also heard that sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right meds. Hope this helps!

      1. Red Reader*

        Husband had a lot of luck with Habitica too, aye. (I have another comment in moderation with more info.)

        1. Bigglesworth*

          I’ll pass this along. Thank you! I haven’t heard of Habitica before.

          We also discovered howtoADHD through the founder’s TedTalk. Her life story is very similar to DH’s except for the divorce part.

    2. Red Reader*

      My husband doesn’t have a formal ADD diagnosis, “just” bipolar and some very suggestive executive function issues, but when he started seeing a therapist for the bipolar, she also had some suggestions for him on the executive function issues. So maybe just a garden-variety therapist with some ADD experience to help work on coping mechanisms both for the dysfunctions and the frustration while he adapts?

      1. Bigglesworth*

        we don’t have a formal diagnosis either, but it’s something his psychiatrist strongly suspects (especially afternoon DH told him that drinking a whole pot of coffee seemed to help calm him down, focus, and remember better). I know he’s been looking for a therapist, but not necessarily one for his executive functions or lack thereof. I’ll pass this onto him.

        1. Red Reader*

          The psychiatrist may have recommendations for a therapist with ADHD experience? My husband’s therapist is in a solo practice now, but when he started seeing her, she was affiliated with his psych’s practice, and my husband found it beneficial when he was first getting started with therapy and meds to have a therapist and a prescriber who knew each other and could address his concerns jointly when it was relevant.

          1. Bigglesworth*

            His psychiatrist did recommend a therapist to help DH with his anxiety and depression, but her hours are very limited right now and don’t work with his schedule. He was seeing a different therapist, but she was basing his progress on a book he was reading and if he didn’t read however many pages she would say something alone the lines of, “Well, next time you come in let’s talk about this chapter.” The problem is he would forget to read the chapter before the next appt and rinse, recycle, repeat.

    3. BRR*

      I have ADD. In addition to finding the right ADD med (even a tiny bit of adderal makes me feel awful), lists and reminders have been crucial for me. It’s all about setting up a system that works for him. Some people find more success with handwriting things. A counselor couldn’t hurt.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        I’vr Heard so many good things about Adderall. May I ask what you take now? DH just started Adderall yesterday and he said it made him more tired. He is on a very low dose, which may be part of the issue.

        1. BRR*

          I’m on vyvannse which I responded a million times better to. Some people find that once they start taking these meds they get tired becuae their mind is less scattered.

          1. Bigglesworth*

            Interesting. I wouldn’t have expected that response. I’m not home today, but I’ll be curious to see how he feels when I get home tonight.

            1. LilySparrow*

              I feel very energetic during the day with Adderall, but I crash hard when it wears off. Not just drained – I start yawning and could probably fall asleep. I also get cranky.

              After about a half-hour to 45 minutes, the “dip” passes and I feel normal again.

    4. Enough*

      While the meds will help with focusing he will need to learn how to focus. He will need to learn all those strategies that the rest of us pick up as we mature. Have no direct experience but have read a lot and knowing children with ADD but some kind of counselor/therapist who deals with ADD should be able help. And for forgetting things even something as simple as a calender or a white board where items for the day/week/month are written down can help. Or like Orphan Brown’s app. Something that husband can refer to regularly. It’s not important that he remember everything, it’s important that he has something to remind him of everything.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        I’ll pass along the information. Thank you! I think he’s relied on me to remind him of stuff for so long (and his parents before me) that he needs to get in the habit of self-reminding. I hadn’t thought of him having to learn to focus either. I’m naturally a decently focused person and wouldn’t have considered that a learned skill. Thanks for sharing!

    5. Kj*

      I’m a therapist who has ADHD and works with kids with ADHD. I think that a therapist who specializes in ADHD could help. So could books that talk about ways to problem solve common ADHD challenges. The one I use for kids that has decent content an adult might find helpful is Smart But Scattered. I’d also start by taking an inventory of what works for your husband- has he had even moderate success with lists or reminders from an app? Does exercise help at all? Fidgets?

      My husband and I both have ADHD and we “trade” managing certain executive functioning tasks. He remember the mortgage, I handle workprojects around the house, he cooks more and I clean more. We both are responsible for our own medical appointments. I handle the animal care 80%. We are about to have a baby, so this is going to shift, but we have really prioritized having conversations where we both are able to say “this is too much for me, can you do more?” Then we problem solve ways to fix that. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I might recommend a couples counselor for a limited number of sessions to address this communcation and ADHD thing at the same time. Look for an MFT. Marriage and Family Therapists are the only mental health professionals guaranteed to get training on couples work, which is a speciality and a hard one at that!

      1. Bigglesworth*

        Good to know! Thank you! How do manage boundaries when both you and your spouse feel like you have too much on your plates? Part of the problem we’re having right now is that I’m in law school and have a lot on my plate, so he’s having to pick up a lot of the slack. That works great….when he remembers. That leaves me holding the ball on a lot of stuff and things are starting to slip.

        And I didn’t realize that MFT was a speciality therapists could do. I’ve heard of couples/marriage counselors, but thought that they were people who were interested in helping relationships, not necessarily ones who received additionally training to help with couples issues. Thank you for telling me otherwise!

        1. Kj*

          We started dating when I was in my internship and working and writing a thesis….so I get the busy/full plate thing. One thing that helped us was to have a relaxed time when we could communicate about task intimation and follow up. So after dinner we’d talk about what needed to be done in the short term and long term, for us at home and at work. It helped to have a space to process and it was a time we could say “hey, have you done thing a?” And the other person wouldn’t get defensive if they hadn’t, we’d just solve it. But we both brought stuff up and we both have ADHD, which may make our situation different.

          MFT is a licensure catagory and comes with fairly intense training on couples and family work. Many MFTs do individual as well, as our training covers that, but what makes us unique is the focus on the relational. I don’t work with couples, but I do work with families and the work is very different in that I see problems as existing in systems, not individuals. It feels less blamey and, personally, I can tell you that the family therapy my family did when I had a serious issue in high school was crucial to my recovery. Hence why I do this now!

          1. Bigglesworth*

            I think we’ve tried to have conversations like that in the past, but it usually becomes me reminding of things he needs to do (which I am trying very hard to stop doing). That said, I’m willing to try and figure out what kinds of conversations we should be having to get this to work better.

            And thank you for the additional information on MFTs. We’ll do some searching later this week to see if we can find a good MFT in our area who can help us work through this. Our relationship has definitely become more of a parent-child dynamic and we’ve both gotten into some very bad habits. Funny enough, school has actually helped us in this regard. I’m taking all evening classes my 2L year and because he doesn’t see me for more than an hour during weekdays he has to do more on his own without me reminding him. I’m sure an MFT would also help us figure out what to do when together though.

        2. Kuododi*

          Hi there! I am also a Marriage and Family Therapist IRL. I don’t specialize in ADHD but wanted to jump in and let you know that AAMFT.org (website for the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapist) has a link to Therapistlocator.net a resource to find a therapist in your area. At minimum, to be listed on the website, one has to provide verification of at least a master’s degree in a Mental health profession as well as an LMFT. Best wishes.

          1. Bigglesworth*

            Thank you for the link! I appreciate it! I wasn’t sure where to start looking for an MFT, so this is really helpful!

        3. Jessi*

          Bigglesworth – can you pay someone to do some of the remembering for you? Like a PA or household manager? I think this is only a solution if you have money to throw at the problem but someone to come in a couple of hours a day, or three afternoons a week or even one full afternoon on a Friday and do a bunch of tasks you don’t have time for?

          1. Bigglesworth*

            I wish. We’ve also talked about hiring a maid to clean so I can focus on school, but we just don’t have the funds for this rights now.

        4. neverjaunty*

          What techniques can he use in lieu of just having to remember? Reminders in his phone, hand-written lists, a calendar, sticky notes on his monitor? These are things HE will have to decide because it has to be something that works for him – but there are workarounds for being forgetful.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Hi–speaking as a someone who strongly suspects she has ADD (no formal diagnosis) plus has a teenager with ADHD–stand by for several shovelsful of information. (I’m also a very lapsed librarian.)

      Speaking as a concerned AAM reader: Alison, is it okay to post this much information? Trying to be helpful. Not trying to swamp your website or this thread.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Nesting fail (way way below). Said shovelsful got caught in moderation because Links. Hopefully will be released eventually.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Um, it’s only 300+ words–not too bad for a mere introduction.

      There is a ton about ADHD for kids, adults, parents, spouses, and employees. You may find it very helpful to get some guidance from professionals and other fellow travelers/ordinary folks living and working with ADHD.

      Organizations
      The CHADD (self-described as CHADD The National Organization on ADHD”) website http://www.chadd.org/ is stuffed with information re this membership organization, links to its publications and other resources, and links to trainings, events, and state and/or regional affiliates or chapters throughout the U.S. The website also includes a provider directory (warning: listed individuals and organizations are neither vetted nor endorsed by CHADD)

      CHADD offers international memberships. I don’t know whether there are any face-to-face groups located outside the U.S.

      Magazines & Newsletters
      CHADD publishes both Attention Magazine and Attention Monthly E-Newsletter.

      Additude magazine –not published by CHADD— began in 1998. Its website is loaded with information re all aspects of life with ADD/ADHD. The top menu bar has a pulldowntab “For Adults” with nine sub-choices starting with “Just Diagnosed” and “Getting Things Done.”

      Authors and/or Books
      Here are three well-known professionals (authors, speakers, researchers, clinicians, founder of one or more clinics) in the field. I have _not_ read every one of the books listed below. Each one has his/her own web site bursting with additional information.

      Books by Ned Hallowell, M.D. are available at http://www.drhallowell.com/books/. Titles include Driven to Distraction, Married to Distraction, Driven to Distraction at Work, Delivered from Distraction. There’s also a link to books he recommends.

      The website for Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., https://www.chesapeakeadd.com, has links to articles and books. I have browsed, with self-recognition, The ADD-Friendly Way to Organize Your Life by Judith Kolberg and Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D.

      The list of publications by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D. http://www.russellbarkley.org/books begins with When an Adult You Love Has ADHD: Professional Advice for Parents, Partners, and Siblings (2016).

      See also:
      Late, Lost, and Unprepared by Joyce Cooper-Kahn, Ph.D., and Laurie Dietzel, Ph.D. published by Woodbine House

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Thank you. I have been reading the Additude newsletter (not diagnosed yet) and it resonates. REALLY helpful links.

      2. Bigglesworth*

        Thank you so much for all of this information! We have “Driven to Distraction” but a lot of what you shared is new to me! Thank you!

    8. Pieismyreligion*

      Look into OT (Occupational Therapy) services, notably those for mental health if available. I work in wrap around community health care and the OT on our team is invaluable for assessing specific sensory issues and strategize/help to improve things. We work with teens and young adults so there’s a lot around focus and memory and independent living skills.

    9. LilySparrow*

      I have ADHD combined type, diagnosed as an adult. My husband is undiagnosed, but we (and everyone else who’s ever met him) know perfectly well he has it.

      As you know, ADHD has a wide variety of symptoms and presentations, as well as a wide range of severity. It does often show up in conjunction with depression and anxiety. They are strongly related, because depression/anxiety can also mimic or cause ADHD symptoms, and struggling with ADHD can make you feel depressed and anxious! They also all share the catch-22 that they respond well to the same types of self-care, but make self-care routines very hard to stick with!

      Sleep disturbances and sleep deprivation are a very big contributing factor to all 3 conditions (and all 3 conditions interfere with sleep – there’s that catch-22.) A low-sugar, balanced diet high in micronutrients (like the Mediterranean diet) is good for brain health. And moderate exercise in an outdoor, green-space setting (even just walking in a park) has been shown to reduce ADHD symptoms and improve mood and mental health. If he can address these things for his overall physical brain health, they aren’t a substitute for meds or professional help, but they will make the next steps easier in managing the symptoms. He can do one or all of these things and feel the difference quickly. They are easy to “fall off the wagon” with, but they are also pretty easy to start up again and get that payoff right away.

      I highly recommend the books “Smart but Scattered” and “The Smart but Scattered Guide to Success” by Dawson and Guare. They have an excellent breakdown and description of the different executive functions and what they do. Every person on the planet has a range of strengths and weaknesses in the different executive functions, and these books don’t come at ADHD from a “disability” standpoint. They take a strengths-based standpoint.

      The first book is geared more toward parents helping their kids, but it’s got a useful assessment of strengths and weaknesses that can show you what kind of help you need. And they show how to use your strengths to compensate for your weaknesses.

      For example, a common ADHD issue might be weak working memory – failing to remember what you need to do in the right context when you can act on it (instead you remember when you’re driving somewhere, or at 3am), and not being able to return to what you were doing if you’re interrupted. But it’s also common for people with ADHD to be strong in mental flexibility or creative problem-solving. So you can use the creativity aspect to come up with ways to solve the working-memory problem. I found this approach really encouraging and empowering.

      Executive function is usually invisible to us – both typical people and ADHD’ers. So it’s incredibly helpful to see the big foggy mass of “I just can’t, and I don’t know why” broken down into specific problems that you can deal with one at a time.

      Coaching and therapy is helpful for a lot of people, particularly in that way of breaking things down and addressing specific situations. Meds help some people, too, but every medication doesn’t work for everybody.

      Meds aren’t a magic bullet by any means. A lot of “adulting” is an issue of routines, habits, and skills. Meds don’t create habits or skills where they don’t exist. They do make it easier to put in the effort required to figure out what routines/habits/skills you need, and sustain the practice to build them.

      Adderall helps me sustain my focus on tasks that aren’t inherently stimulating. It helps me with task initiation, working memory, tolerating interruptions without becoming “lost”, and filtering out irrelevant sensory input that would otherwise be distracting or overstimulating/overwhelming. It also makes me hyperfocus more frequently and more deeply – which is helpful if I need to be head-down working on something for hours at a time. Not so helpful if I really need to be noticing things that should be done around the house, or if I get hyperfocused on a Reddit thread and forget to cook dinner, for example.

      The best thing Adderall has done for me is increase my sense of self-efficacy. One of the things dopamine does is give you that “yeah, I can do that” feeling. If you’re looking at a pile of bills, or a pile of laundry, and you just fall in the hole of “omigosh, where do I even start, I can’t even, it’s too much…” dopamine changes that to “oh hey, there’s a lot to do, better get stuck in.”

      As far as marriage is concerned, I’d caution you to avoid doing too much to manage things for him. Part of adapting to ADHD is recognizing which parts of your executive function that you need to outsource or have external prompts and supports for. You, as his wife, should NOT be the primary external prompt or outsource! That is a highway to Parenting Your Spouse, which isn’t good for either of you or for your relationship.

      There’s no one-size fits all system that works for every ADHD person, and if he’s just starting to explore this, he will have to try a bunch of different stuff and cobble it together on his own. And the zinger is that it’s the nature of ADHD that nothing is consistent. A system or routine that works for a few months or a few years may not work forever, and that’s okay. He can build a new one, as long as he understands what’s going on and that it’s not a character flaw.

      As he gets a sense of where his strengths and weaknesses are, and whether meds are helping and in what areas, you can look at a more equitable division of household labor. I’d encourage you to make that a major goal to work toward together. Letting him take over household responsibilities is going to mean lowering your standards in certain respects, or changing the way things are done. That’s not going to be easy, and it’s a tricky balance finding tasks that are important but that won’t cause you major problems if he screws up.

      For some people, that winds up with separate finances or living more independently from each other than you ideally would want, but it’s the best trade-off for them. For others, it winds up as building a “margin for error” into their time or finances. For example, we have all our bills on auto-pay, our checking account on auto-overdraft protection, and just tolerate a certain amount of overdue fines or finance charges as the “cost of doing business” with the brains we got assigned.

      Hope that’s helpful! There’s a lot out there, and if nobody’s mentioned NIMH and the CDC yet, they have some good basic resources on ADHD and links to more.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Re-reading the OP, I realized I said “wife” but I don’t know. My apologies, I should have said “spouse” and not assumed.

        There’s a highly gendered dynamic around emotional & domestic labor and running a household together, where women tend to do a lot of work that’s invisible to men. And there’s a dysfunctional pattern some men fall into (particularly if their FOO kept to rigid gender roles) where they use learned helplessness as an excuse to opt out of “adulting” at home.

        When you add real executive deficits into the mix, it can become an infuriating situation trying to sort out where “can’t” ends and “won’t bother” or “legitimately has different standards” begins.

        But that pattern can happen between any two partners, and it’s not a happy situation no matter what the genders are.

        1. Bigglesworth*

          Hey LilySparrow! I appreciate the clarification. I am his wife, but I tend to use “spouse” because I just generally prefer the term. Also, thank you for all the information and sharing how ADD/ADHD influences your life.

          You make several good points and it’s good to hear from people who have ADD/ADHD themselves. This is completely foreign territory for me and, to be honest, the way an ADD/ADHD brain functions doesn’t make sense to me (not that it needs to, btw, just that I have difficulty comprehending how to live life that way). I’m definitely willing to learn and want to help, but figuring out the boundary between “helping” and “doing everything for spouse” is difficult for me.

          I wonder if part of the issue is also learned helplessness. DH is the product of overbearing helicopter parenting and black/white thinking, whereas I was fairly free to make my own choices and was taught to see the world in shades of gray with few extremes. For example, when he was a kid he didn’t want to work on his science fair project and didn’t finish it in time, so his mom finished it for him. Both his siblings have similar stories (I have lots more like that…).

          I also realized that in my original post I said that meds would fix everything, but I meant to say would NOT fix everything. That’s what I get for typing on my phone.

    11. it's all good*

      I am so grateful for this post. I am ADD and my youngest is in process of getting diagnose to. I’m installed Habitica and just ordered Smart but Scattered. I can’t be treated and am exhausted from trying to stay on top of things and frustrated when I can’t be. I hope these tools can help both of us. Thanks!

      1. Bigglesworth*

        In the 3 or so days that DH has had Habitica installed on his phone, he has loved it! He’s made all of his tasks sound like RPG conquests (doing homework for his apprenticeship is now “mage training” and making dinner is “preparing the feast”). I hope it works for you and your youngest too!

  38. Alcott*

    I have two days in Amsterdam coming up. Does anyone have any recommendations for how to spend them?

    1. Apollo Warbucks*

      I’d recommend visiting Anne franks house. I was there six months ago and you needed to book online before going (I’m not sure if you still have to but it’s worth checking online).

      The heineken experience is pretty cool and so is the van gogh museum.

      1. Red Reader*

        Seconded. Highly recommend booking online, because the line is huge. (I didn’t, and I waited almost two hours to get in.)

    2. Ender Wiggin*

      If you like a smoke get some pre-rolled pure white widow bud reefers. Just be aware if you are from an area where its still illegal that it’s probably a lot stronger than what you are used to and take it slow.

    4. misspiggy*

      The Van Gogh Museum is very good and in a beautiful location. As well as museums, boat trips, weed cafes and so on, there are lots of lovely interior design shops if that’s your thing. And some beautiful merchants’ houses turned into museums. You could always watch The Miniaturist to get into the historical mood.

      1. Villanelle*

        Tell me more about those interior design shops?
        (I am also visiting Amsterdam shortly but am not the OP)

        1. misspiggy*

          I just remembered there being quite a few in the areas where shops were – really lovely items, modernist Scandi stuff and locally produced I think. Very pretty things but not cheap!

    5. Jerry Vandesic*

      If you like art, don’t miss the Rijksmuseum and the Stedelijk Museum. Both are world class.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Yes to the Rijksmuseum. All the famous paintings (Vermeer, Rembrandt…) are together on one floor, with the Nightwatch at one end.

        Although if you want to see the Girl with a Pearl Earring, she’s in Den Haag at the Mauritshuis!

    6. Isobel*

      The Van Gogh museum was great (book online in advance). We did a food tour through eating Europe.com, which was a great way to explore the Jordaan neighborhood and try out some new foods. Also the Pianola museum is small and quirky.

  39. Red*

    So it turns out my husband’s psychiatrist thinks he has Borderline Personality Disorder. Anyone have any experience with this, either personal experience or as a family/friend of someone who has it? I’m totally unfamiliar with the condition, beyond a brief mention of personality disorders in an Intro to Psychology class I took like 5 years ago.

    1. alex*

      I was close to someone with diagnosed-but-untreated BPD.
      These were the most evident signs:
      — risky (such as wandering around the streets alone in the middle of the night) and impulsive (such as buying thousands of dollars of clothes in 1 day on credit) behaviors
      — very erratic emotions– quick to anger/quick to act hurt
      — some self-destructive tendencies (excessive drinking and sleeping around unsafely were hers, but could be anything)
      — very sensitive to being scorned/abandoned in an irrational way based on black/white thinking, plus threats of suicide if others didn’t act the way she demanded (This is classic BPD– “If you leave me, I will kill myself.”)

      She was incredibly difficult to be around when she was at her worst; it was very sad and alienating and worrisome for her friends and family. But transference-based psychotherapy and CBT can be super effective treatments, and I think this is a really manageable condition with the right approach.
      I hope the diagnosis is helpful and even empowering; good luck to you both! Immediate therapy for him and probably you, too!!

    2. Mimmy*

      I had a friend who I suspect had BPD., or at least something very similar. Her emotions were very erratic (as alex described above). It was impossible to be her friend at times, and it impacted my own mental health. I don’t want to say too much else to protect privacy. We no longer keep in touch though she has tried to contact me a couple of times over the years.

    3. Natalie*

      My mother has BPD. She wasn’t a good parent and we’re not presently in contact, but she was never treated for anything so who knows how that would have improved things.

      IIRC borderline is not super responsive to medication, but cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) can be effective. It’s highly stigmatized, for what it’s worth, so I’d let your husband take the lead on who he discloses his specific diagnosis to.

      The emotional instability and intense fear of abandonment (“I hate you, don’t leave me”) can make relationships really difficult. As he pursues treatment, you might consider individual therapy for you or couples therapy for you both (although I would probably get some recommendations from someone that works with BPD patients a lot since it’s a tricky disorder).

    4. KayEss*

      BPD is a condition that can bring out a lot of stigma and horror stories, even from mental health professionals, so be critical about that as you are doing research. Your husband will probably need a lot of support from you as he navigates his diagnosis, but don’t neglect yourself–therapy just for you alone (in addition to whatever is recommended for him or the two of you as a couple) could be a good investment just to have a neutral and professional sounding board for your own feelings and questions.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Keep in mind that the abbreviation BPD is used for two different disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. Some people will give you advice on BPD, but the wrong BPD.

      There are on line support groups for friends/spouses/etc of people with Borderline Personality Disorder. They have good ideas for how to cope and also what is good to do to support the person with BPD.

    6. Always Anon*

      Read the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” 2nd edition. Great advice for understanding and learning how best to interact with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Also has an extensive list of resources which includes notes as to which are likely to be a trigger for someone with BPD and which are safe.

  40. Laura in NJ*

    NEW MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 STARTS 11/22!!!!!!!!! NEW MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 STARTS 11/22!!!!!!!!! NEW MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 STARTS 11/22!!!!!!!!!

    1. Annie Moose*

      EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

      I’m going to see MST3K Live the week before, which will be the perfect lead-up.

  41. Lissa*

    I need somewhere to blorp my feelings semi anonymously, so details are a little sparse, but I just found this week that my brother had an incident that involved losing his job, and is now looking at options for addictions treatment (alcohol.) I am feeling extremely guilty that I had no idea it was that bad. I mean…he would always drink a lot when we hung out, but we would usually see each other for some outing/event, and he’s always been functional as far as I can tell when it came to money, relationships etc. I had no clue it wasn’t just a “he likes to drink a lot on weekends when he goes out” thing, but it certainly was not. There was one time a few months ago where I DID feel like he was quite intoxicated, noticeably so, but we were dealing with something really stressful as a family at that time so I put it down to that, and next time we hung out he was OK. He said he had been really good at hiding it, I think even his wife was shocked. Still, I keep thinking back to how I should’ve said something at the time. We both know we have the propensity (thanks dad.) Anyway, I would never put any of my own guilty feelings on him, and am trying to be as supportive as I can. We do a lot of dark humour so I’m sure the jokes he/we made would be pretty bad for some people. He also said he didn’t want people to not drink around him but I still think I won’t for awhile anyway.

    anyone dealt with something similar? I have a lot of thoughts swirling around my head at the moment. I do know people with family who are addicts/alcoholics but it’s a bit different, as these are people who have been really destructive forces in their lives and have gone through cycles of recovery, often stolen from their family etc. And this is not my situation at all.

    1. Junior Dev*

      Hiding how bad things are is a pretty classic alcoholic behavior and I don’t think you can blame yourself for it working. You know now, I think your best bet is to try and forgive yourself for not knowing and see what you can do support him now.

    2. Not A Manager*

      You might look into a few sessions with a counselor, or going to some Al Anon meetings. Your feelings are really understandable, but they are very strong and seem to be causing you a lot of distress. It might help you to have some support right now.

      1. Lissa*

        Thanks! I think I’m OK. This is all pretty recent and bringing up some Feelings, but I’m not really super upset, just kind of needed a place to get out those upset feelings that do exist so I don’t push them on my family right now. Al Anon is an interesting idea. My family has a lot of issues with drinking, though it is all very below the surface, or has been until recently. I think this is pulling it all into the light.

    3. Cosette*

      My brother is a highly functioning alcoholic. It is amazingly easy to hide for some people. Or maybe I am obtuse. At any rate, none of this is on you and even if you had known, you can’t make him get help. But you can avail yourself of the help available to friends and relatives of alcoholics. Please do.

    4. Myrin*

      Oh no, Canadian Brain Twin, I’m so sorry to hear that!
      I think my estranged father has (or had, at least) an alcohol problem but I was a young teenager when I last had proper contact with him so sadly, I have no advice, only jedi hugs and best wishes. ♥

      1. Lissa*

        Thanks German Brain Twin! Sorry to hear you also are part of the shitty dad club. I do wonder/worry about things, like genetic predispositions. I’m lucky in that I have like…the opposite of an addictive personality, but still tend to just stay alert to the possibility in myself.

    5. Notthemomma*

      You would be shocked at how functional, sucessful, and high-achieving an alcoholic can be. Alcoholics are high-level professionals, judges, doctors, middle class office workers, plumbers, electricians, as well as poor, struggling, and broken. They exist in every industry, every social, educational, and economic class, Addiction takes many form and an addict develops mechanisms to hide the addiction.

      For you and others, Al-Anon is a great starting point; you may also want to get a copy of The Big Book; it gave me a lot of insight as to how the alcoholic in my life thinks. Good Luck!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This, this.

        My uncle worked for a Large Organization, well-known at least on the east coast. He said he never once saw the CEO sober. Never once, in 30 something years. The organization not only functioned but also prospered.

        Sometimes this is how it plays out.

    6. Marge Gunderson*

      Yup! I had been dealing with my mom’s alcoholism for YEARS so I was pretty sure I knew the signs and still didn’t realize my brother had it bad until he was hospitalized for pancreatitis eight years into his addiction. This is super, super common and I went through all the same feelings you are now!

      1. Lissa*

        Thanks! I feel like I know consciously that it’s a thing and like…they call it functional alcoholism for a reason I guess. But hard not to still feel like I could’ve done something. Somehow.

        1. Kat in VA*

          This is something alcoholics are very good at – either intentionally or unintentionally.

          YOU can’t make them stop drinking. YOU can’t make them want to stop drinking. You can only help them when they decide to help themselves. And most – if not all – alcoholics and drug addicts have a healthy dose of “It’s not my fault because…” going on. (I say most because literally every drug/alcohol addict I know blames everything and everyone for them problems. I don’t say that to be mean. It’s just an anecdotal fact to me.)

          Support him as best you can, and don’t beat yourself up for not noticing or seeing something sooner. Functional alcoholics are, as others have said, very, very good at hiding their addiction from everyone…including sometimes even themselves.

    7. all the candycorn*

      A few years back, I had this super nice elderly neighbor. She lived alone and I rarely saw her have any visitors, she mentioned there’d been dysfunction in her family and she didn’t have a good relationship with her kids. But as a neighbor, she was always kind so I’d help her out with whatever little household tasks she needed. In the time we lived there, she started needing a little more help here and there than she initially had.

      Then she got ill, and while EMS is in the apartment working with her, all of our other neighbors were asking how she’s doing, expressing shock that she’d gotten so ill when she seemed just fine, and everyone mentioned all of the help they’d been giving her. As we talked, we realized she had been receiving, in total, quite a lot of assistance, but had managed to parcel different tasks out to different people so no one person would notice how badly she was declining and call her son, because she feared losing her ability to live independently. We were curious as to how she’d so deftly pulled off such a complicated charade with such advanced dementia.

      Then a fifth neighbor comes up and says, “Oh is Ethel (not her real name) drinking again?” Turns out she’d been a lifelong alcoholic, had quit drinking in her old age, but utilized a lifetime’s worth of diversion, distraction, and dissembling skills from covering up her drinking into convincing all of us that she didn’t have dementia.

      When she got to the hospital they determined she was so unwell she needed to be in a full-time care facility. That’s how sick she was, and that’s how sharp her skills at hiding her problems were.

  42. Marion Ravenwood*

    I’m trying to work out if the picture at the top is just taken at a really good angle, or if that’s actually a perfectly cat-sized sofa. (Also, if it’s the latter, then I want one for my house!)

  43. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread!
    What do you do to get “in the zone” for writing? Personally I put on headphones and listen to video game or movie soundtracks, although I’ll usually go for music with a specific feel if I have to write a certain scene that’s been bothering me (such as pumped up battle music for fighting scenes, calmer sad songs for funerals,…). Also, tea. There is no such thing as too much tea.

    1. Marion Ravenwood*

      I have to take away all distractions. So I generally take my laptop and a pot of coffee and shut myself in the shed/office for a couple of hours. (I can work with music, but not Internet access, so it’s whatever I’ve downloaded from Spotify or have on CD.) I also find that Pomodoro technique helps me to get started – it can feel a bit daunting to sit down and have to pull something together, but if I can just focus for 25 minutes then that helps me to get going and when the timer goes off it almost becomes an annoyance rather than ‘oh thank God!’.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oh yeah, I’ve been trying out the Pomodoro method (still laughing at the fact it’s simply called “tomato method”) for other things using an app (“Forest”, if you’re interested). I could apply that to my writing too.

    2. Cat Foster Mama*

      If I’m having trouble I usually leave my apartment. Grab a bite to eat and take a notepad with me. Helps to get out of familiar settings.

    3. poetry writing*

      For non-fiction writing, I do better away from the computer, words flow much better on a piece of paper. It’s a pain to transcribe but it seems to work best for me. Sometimes I also need to just start writing about things that are in my brain first and then I seem to naturally get into that zone, as if there was this stuff in the way. When I’m really in the zone, I’ve worked on stuff for hours on end and just not noticed until say I need to turn the lights on (or off if I started early), which is just a wonderful feeling.

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I write better on paper too – otherwise I’ll want to edit immediately and never get further than one line. Writing on paper takes away my ability to edit the sentence immediately so I leave the crappy sentence there because at least now it’s there so I can move on.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I need a complete, finalized product spec and an engineering change notice…
      But that’stechnical writing.

  44. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    Everything is very hard right now for me and frankly a lot of stuff feels pointless.

    I’m proud of reaching out to friends and asking for help when i realized my mental health was really bad this week.

    I’m struggling with…*gestures at state of world in general* and I don’t know if the solution is to engage more or less.

    How are you?

    1. Ender Wiggin*

      Definitely engage less. The human brain is not capable of coping with all the misery of 7 billion people. Watching the news all day / following a story on social media has been shown to produce symptoms like PTSD.

      Whenever I feel down I delete all my news apps and just stop watching reading or listening to the news entirely. Trust me, anything really big or important you will hear about by word of mouth.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        The human brain is not capable of coping with all the misery of 7 billion people.
        I may have to write this out and tape it up on my monitor. Great advice. We’re not being hard-hearted if we cannot sustain genuine concern 24/7; we’re just being human.

    2. anon for this*

      I’m not in a great place. Still waiting to hear back about my disability review, still not seeing a way to live without it if they kick me off. I’m basically just treading water at this point, hoping that I’m not going to drown. And it gets harder to listen to the empty platitudes of well-meaning family & professionals when you look at the state of the world. Things aren’t okay. Things aren’t going to be okay.

      1. Junior Dev*

        I’m really glad I found a therapist who acknowledges that 1) evil exists 2) calling it what it is is necessary for my trauma recovery. It’s really hard to find sometimes.

          1. Observer*

            This actually highlights a fundamental flaw with they way so much mental health training and theory is structured – and why so many people are REALLY hesitant to make use of resources. The bias is against passing judgement. Now, I get why this is necessary. But it goes too far way too often.

            Mental illness is NOT evil. People who do bad things because they are mentally ill may not be evil. Those things are true and something any good mental health practitioner is going to recognize. But, at the same time, evil DOES exist. Some people are evil. And sometimes people who are not evil do evil things. Those are things that are too often overlooked by mental health practitioners.

    3. Red*

      I’m doing pretty well, all things considered, but my anxiety and agoraphobia has been acting up lately and I’m not quite sure why. I’ve just been trying to push myself out of my tiny little apartment-sized comfort zone anyway, in the hopes that such an action prevents this from spiraling out of control. Oh well.

      At least I got a new job, which will be removing a lot of stress from my life. I’ll actually have time for my schoolwork and hobbies and friends! I can take up running again! This is going to be sooo good for my mental health, y’all. I start on Tuesday and, despite my new-job-and-agoraphobia nerves, I’m pretty excited.

      1. Junior Dev*

        I’m glad you’re doing well. Having an upsetting job can harm your quality of life so much, I hope that the new one is great and allows you to do the things you want to.

    4. Lissa*

      I am doing better personally, but dealing with some family stuff that’s stressing me out..made a post above about it. Weirdly, when there’s an actual external reason things are going wrong, my generalized anxiety seems to lessen. I started taking CBD a few weeks ago which also helped overall. I am somewhat dreading the winter SADness, it’s a nice day today but I know it’ll be one of the last ones. Excited about the long weekend with little to do and hoping to take a really nice long walk, clean the house, cook a good meal and do other self-care things. Beef stew in the Instant Pot tonight!! We’ve been eating a lot of takeout/convenience meals due to work schedules so it’ll be nice to have a proper meal. Not doing much for thanksgiving but we never do, just want to curl up and watch Netflix really.

    5. Cat Foster Mama*

      Awwww, thanks for this thread! It’s been a rough week for me. I had an emotional therapy session. (Discussing mundane things and my illogical/irrational reaction to doing mundane things — I have some introverted habits that keep me from engaging). I have a challenging foster cat (see below). I’m burnt out from my job. I feel like a bad friend/family member/etc.

      I’m not really sure what I’m most proud of. I finally made appointments to get my annual physicals/check ups. Seems a drop in the bucket, but at least I can cross it off my list.

    6. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Engage more where you get comfort or solace and less with the rest of world (including news and so on). More warmth, less sorrow.

      Mostly clear here. I’m in the middle of my annual visit to my father’s family. Happy to see him and them, but I always feel like a bird in a fishtank, which is why I never stay very long or very often. It’s a break from work I really needed I think.

    7. WellRed*

      Re mental health: mine is good. Sorry to see a few comments on yesterday’s open thread from a few who aren’t in a good place. Locally, a woman went missing from her bed in the middle if the night. 47, school teacher, married mom with some anxiety. They found her body yesterday in the woods. Just, why?

    8. SarahTheEntwife*

      Not doing so great either. There’s the state of the world and to top it off we had to put a pet to sleep last night. I thought I was being overcautious but I’d rather err on the side of caution when we brought him to the emergency vet last night, and it turns out he was way sicker than we’d thought.

    9. A different anonymous today*

      Slightly better. I’ve been in a bad place, but soldiered through one horrible task that was so painful I was “Stopped” by it for months. While there was a sleepless night and anxiety around it, the overall pain of getting through it was less than the pain (and bad habits, and then bad feelings) I had avoiding it. I know these things, I just struggle with pushing through.

      Frankly, right now, every day – or every other – brings a piece of bad news and a piece of good news. I’m just trying to live more authentically, and asking myself what I “really” want vs. what others want. Eventually – I believe – the bad dreck from the former bad decision(s) will be gone and I’ll be through to the other side of this situation.
      I got the name of a good counselor for my issues and who is gentle and patient enough. I have to gather the funds. Doggie (might do a separate post) is very sick, so the $700 on the vet this week is precluding my starting therapy. It’s a tough decision. She is going to die anyway – this is not a curable disease, but I want to have her here and comfortable as long as I can without bankrupting myself.
      And, I left the house today, and went to the lab to get the bloodwork I need for the doctor to renew my prescriptions/change them. It’s been a year since I was really taking care of myself, and the bruising (almost spontaneous) finally scared me into stepping up to email and get things scheduled. I take better care of the dog than I do of me.
      I also made the decision not to get a roommate to help with expenses. A friend pointed out that I get too involved in caretaking others, and I need to heal and focus on me, not get distracted by someone new. So I’m going to cut back on all my other expenses, started with cutting the cable and news (and I’ve already discovered I’m less depressed never watching the news and with no newspaper…). I’m saving $175 a month (DH had premium cable and we had two newspapers), and that will help with the therapy funding and bills.
      So… good news bad news. More good. That’s progress.

    10. SparklingStars*

      I’m trying out a new therapist this week- he was recommended to me by another therapist so I’m hoping it will be a good fit. I’m also trying to find more ways to meet new people, because I’m just so sick of feeling like my friends are always too busy for me (and yet I’m meeting up with two different friends tomorrow, and last weekend I met up with two other friends – so I guess one thing I need to explore is why do I feel so alone?)

    11. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I deleted the FB app from my phone because I need a break from the rage of the world.

      Other than that, I’m doing okay. Focusing on cleaning one room each weekend to prepare for a visit from my person over Thanksgiving.

    12. anon24*

      I was very anxious/depressed/angry this week and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Finally figured out that combined with being plain exhausted from the thing we don’t speak about on weekends even though some of us do on weekends my seasonal depression has finally showed up (late this year. Yay for warmer than usual weather!)

      Now that I know what’s going on I actually feel much better. Instead of wondering what is wrong it’s like oh ok it’s just this I deal with this every year it’s nothing new and I can move past it.

      A few weeks ago I pushed past my severe social anxiety to take a candle making class and yesterday I had off work and took another one. Definitely cheered me up a lot and I had a blast. I’ve been making candles for awhile but I learned some great techniques and am looking forward to more classes. So that’s a HUGE plus because normally I absolutely dread anything that involves being even remotely social.

    13. families!*

      I’m trudging along. It’s been difficult week, on top of the whole national scene. Last week I thought a relative wanted to reconnect and I am super proud of the really good boundaried letter I sent but I have not heard back since, which has turned out to be painful. A close friend in her 80s had to have emergency surgery and had to stay in the hospital and no one thought to let me know until days after, “because you couldn’t have visiting anyway”. Her whole synagogue knew, other friends also. So is it because I don’t call her enough? we see each other every few weeks regularly but it’s true we don’t talk on the phone so much. I am angry at the common friend who decided not to tell me because there was nothing I could do, and when I told her that made me angry, she kept saying no one could visit, our friend was drugged up, etc. And I thought was not the point at all. When I called my friend, it was clear a very large number of people had been calling her and talking to her, even though they could not visit. Just feeling like a failure in the friends’ department.

  45. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I live in a small house with a giant gorilla. By that, I mean that we have a massive stuffed gorilla sitting in our guest room/office; my partner’s sister won it at a fair or something many years ago (before I came along, at any rate) and he’s very attached to it. I think it reminds him of their mother. Anyway, while I like the idea of it (it’s kind of funny to walk into a room and face a big stuffed gorilla, and when we move to a bigger place next summer, I’m sure he’ll have a place of honor), I’m tired of it living on the guest room floor. We used to keep it on the bed, but when we have guests it needs to come off, plus the dog took over the guest bed, so now the gorilla just kind of lives in a corner and gets in my way.

    We have very little storage space. No attic to speak of and no basement. I think I could manage to stuff this guy into a closet, which I might try next weekend when I’m organizing and cleaning the whole house, though the closets here are pretty shallow. However, we do have a shed outside. It’s pretty big and well enclosed, but of course I can’t control the humidity. I’m curious if it’s wise to wrap the gorilla in garbage bags, seal it as best I can, and leave it in the shed. Would that be a giant mistake?

    1. Nacho*

      If your husband’s attached to the gorilla, he’s probably not going to like the idea of you wrapping it in garbage bags and throwing it into a humid shed.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        He’s attached to keeping it, not to seeing it every day. We agree that it’s in the way.

    3. Slartibartfast*

      That would scare me if it’s something that important. What about those giant Ziploc vacuum sealer bags? That would be protective and he might fit in a closet that way.

    4. runner girl*

      What about one of those vaccuum compression bags (Space bag or something similar)? They make them in very large sizes and depending on how soft the giant gorilla is, that may well pack it down to a more manageable size. Once you move, you can take him back out and in a few days he’ll be back to his normal giant self.

      1. Red Reader*

        That — I’ve space-bagged my 5′ Costco teddy bear a couple of times and he’s always come out none the worse for it. Maybe let him out and let him fluff back up once every couple of months for a day or two, I’ve never bagged Moose longer than a month or so at a time. (After my last move, he ended up in an old rocker in the corner of my home office, where he now hangs out with a Nerf shotgun and a boffer sword, representing my right to keep and arm bears.)

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I will recommend the Mattress storage bags (available at U-Haul, for example) sealed with tape firmly. We had a very expensive mattress set that just safely came out of a storage unit after 3.5 years… in perfect condition. The bag set is maybe $15? And buy very good package tape (you don’t need the tape dispenser, just the roll…and scissors). Seal every square inch of opening. And check on it periodically. (Make sure it is dry going into the bag).
      Much bigger and less unwieldy than the contractor’s trash bags (those are 55 gal), and the mattress bag is clear so you remember what is in it. I didn’t trust the “tape flap” that already came on the mattress bag, and since the set wound up in there for oh, 3 years longer than originally expected (don’t ask), it’s a good thing we sealed it up extra.
      YMMV. You can squish the air out… seal all but a piece and keep rolling and compressing. then seal the last bit quickly.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      If you stuff this guy into a closet please, please, please put up a note on the door to warn any visitors. Especially overnight guests. Some comedy scenes should remain theoretical.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        No worries there! When we do have overnight guests, we really have no place for them to keep their stuff, so they don’t tend to open closets. Although, at the moment, the gorilla is blocking one of the closets in the guest room so I don’t know what would happen if I did manage to stuff him in there.

    7. Cosette*

      If you put him in a shed, regardless of how he is wrapped, he might end up as mouse nesting material. So if there is something you can also do to prevent that, you probably should. Can you just stuff him under the bed??

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I wish, but he’s too big. I think it will have to be the closet, which will give me an excuse to get some of those boxes out of there.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Ha! I like that idea a lot. Unfortunately, we’re renting this house, so I’m reluctant to hammer anything into the walls bigger than a nail for a picture.

    8. Anono-me*

      Can you get leg lifts for the guest bed at Slumber, Shower and So On? Then you could wrap the gorilla in a sheet and store it underneath.

    9. Elizabeth W.*

      NO. Don’t do this.

      I did it with stuffed animals and they had to be thrown out. The damp will ruin it.

    10. valentine*

      Plastic bags deteriorate and I’ve read they damage stored contents. Can a friend or relative take him in until you move?

    11. Dr. Anonymous*

      Warn visitors and hang him from the ceiling in a corner in a net. Get a little Barbie to be a Fay Wray, if you’d like.

  46. tangerineRose*

    Is it a sign of ADD or something similar if you find that background noise helps you focus? Like when I balance my checkbook, I’ll have the TV on.

    1. Lissa*

      My partner is like that hardcore, can’t really operate without some kind of background noise going on. I am the opposite and have a really hard time focusing, so we have to compromise with him having noise on “below the level of my brain.” I don’t think it’s particularly indicative of anything other than how some people’s brains work – I have learned people have all kinds of interesting differences in how we think that are often not really noticed because we just kind of assume either everyone is like us, or nobody is like us.

      1. Enough*

        Agree. In college my roommate would study to classical music. When she put it on I couldn’t study because I wanted to actually listen to it but good old rock and roll would have been fine.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      I don’t think so – I don’t have ADD or anything similar and much prefer background noise when I’m doing things. However, I do have tinnitus so that’s a factor for me.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I don’t think it’s ADD at all. My wife and I are both the same way, as are many (if not most) of my coworkers.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Remember, the last “D” in ADD or ADHD is for Disorder. A disorder is something that causes you problems in important areas of functioning.

      ADD/ADHD is a collection of traits that all occur in typical brains, but dialed up to a level of intensity or occurring at times and contexts that make them a problem. If background noise helps you focus, and you use it, and then you focus, then you don’t have a disorder, you just have a trait that a lot of people with and without ADHD also have.

  47. Cat Foster Mama*

    Month 4 with Mr. Bitey, the cute floof monster. For those who haven’t seen my posts over the past month — the short version is that I’m fostering a young cat with lots of kitten energy, who plays roughly with his teeth. He’s not aggressive or defensive, just insanely energetic and slightly obsessive. (He has never hissed, growled or used his claws when he play attacks my arms and legs.) I have never wanted a kitten and now have a full-grown 1-year-old kitten. (I only took him because they reached out to me directly to take him, I usually only take adults)

    We had an incident a couple of weeks ago where he jumped on the bed to play and I ended up with a claw embedded in my chin by accident. Bled like a stuck pig and was afraid to go to sleep. (I have no door to my bedroom) I finally told the shelter they really needed to look for a better home. Though, I would keep him until they did. (Going back to the shelter would probably be traumatic for him). A few days ago they told me they may have found a home and would follow-up with the details. I was (and am) conflicted with the news, so didn’t reply, because I didn’t know what to say. I have yet to hear back. Today, he got super riled up and went after me again. (Despite several attempts to get him into a sustained play session.) He’s now napping sweetly on my bookshelf. I know this cat is going to break my heart.

    1. chi chan*

      Could the shelter trim his claws? It really makes a difference, but you have to do it regularly.

      1. Cat Foster Mama*

        I trimmed his claws the next day. That’s just a temporary solution though. I have no way to set up boundaries with him, so I’m technically always available for a play session unless I lock myself in the bathroom. And he very much needs to learn in a positive way what is appropriate. As he’s frequently inappropriate, it’s difficult to reward good behavior and I don’t want to punish him for fear that he’ll become scared and develop other issues. The ideal solution of putting space between us isn’t an option. I’m not home enough to develop a good routine to drain his energy, so he ends up with a lot of energy at night. I’m just not an ideal home for him. I’m better than a shelter and he definitely is getting affection and human interaction. But, he needs more than I can give him.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          I love cats. But one of the biggest things I learned when I was volunteering at a shelter (with cats) was that there are most definitely cat personalities, and thus cats, that I would do very poorly with. If this cat is just not one you can effectively work with, it’s good that he can go somewhere else.

          If he’s very lucky, there will be another cat around who is willing to teach the dumb baby some manners. Some cats will do this, and it is amazingly effective when they do. Nothing quite like the big, pissed off adult cat pinning you down and snarling in your face to teach you when you’ve crossed the line.

    2. PlatypusOo*

      I found a tiny kitten 2 years ago and he was and is kind of a jerk. He is a scratcher and a biter and I have to have the vet trim his talons or else he hurts me. I have noticed that as soon as he starts the jerk behavior he’s either wanting a snack or he needs to play. As he’s gotten older he’s calmed down somewhat and I do love the lil bastard despite the Bites. I also have a terrier mix that comes to my aid if she feels he’s getting out of hand.

    3. Junior Dev*

      When my cat was smol the vet told me to get her a stuffed animal to play with, since they like to roughhouse with siblings and they’ll take that out on their humans. I bought a little stuffed Pikachu and would put it in front of her when she would start attacking, it helped some.

  48. Amber Rose*

    A month ago I went off all my meds but one, and gave up most sweets and all fast food.

    I feel worse than ever. I can’t even think about food anymore, it all makes me feel vaguely grossed out. I’m supposed to be eating more veggies but I’m an incredibly picky eater and a lazy cook. I loathe beans and brown rice, tomatoes and onions are disgusting, soup is too much work with ingredients I don’t have.

    Is there an option to eat healthy for people who just hate food?

    1. kc89*

      I wouldn’t call it healthy, but they make meal replacement shakes (there’s probably more out there but I’m specifically thinking of soylent). you could drink two of those a day and then try and come up with one easy healthyish meal to eat for your third meal of the day.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes! My thought as well. You could also look into Shakeology, which is slightly MLM/scammy structurally but looks pretty impeccable from a nutrition standpoint.

      3. Soylent caution*

        I tried a soylent-heavy diet and it majorly messed up my digestive system. Just a caution! I really wanted it to work for me but it didn’t.

    2. WellRed*

      Stir fry? Fajitas? Is money an issue? I buy lots of precut veggies, precooked chicken and stuff like microwaveable rice to put together quick, reasonably healthy meals. I am also a lazy cook.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Nope. I’m one of the few who hate tacos and fajitas, and I don’t know what to put in a stir fry.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Anything goes in a stir fry! They’re great for cleaning out the fridge. I made one with cabbage and green beans, I use all kinds of peppers, basically any crunchy veggie. Avocado won’t work, for example, but anything crucifierous, carrots, cabbage, peppers, zucchini, sugar peas. You can make a quick sauce with some soy sauce, brown sugar, a bit of garlic, ginger, and maybe something for spice (sriracha, or that chili garlic sauce). For protein, beef, chicken, or pork all work well, or tofu if you’re going meatless. Budget bytes has some great stir fry recipes. So does Damn Delicious.

        2. Observer*

          Some other ingredients that I’ve often used in stir fry – mushrooms, bean sprouts, water chestnuts and slivered nuts.

          The point is that there is not “correct” list of ingredients for stir fry. Whatever you like pretty much goes.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Trader Joe’s is a good option for pre-cut, sometimes pre-seasoned, veggies that you just microwave or eat raw. I personally like lightly cooked veggies served cold or room temp with a dip.

      I use TJ’s cut vegetables for soup, as well. I just get several bags of stuff I like, and cook them in packaged chicken broth. I like meat, so I’ll add some chicken thighs, too.

        1. Cristina in England*

          When I lived in Canada I found that the big grocery stores had great frozen veggie stir fry mixes. I used to live on those added to giant containers of tomato soup, but if you don’t like tomato soup you can have the veggies alone or in chicken broth or on rice.

      2. LilySparrow*

        Most major grocery stores have precut veggies nowadays in a chilled case in or near the produce section.

        I subscribed to a weekly email newsletter from Cooking Light magazine called The Prep. It’s got a week’s worth of healthy dinners, a big-batch breakfast you can make once and eat most of the week, and some kind of treat that isn’t too unhealthy. The grocery list is already made, and the recipes are all linked. Most of them are under 30 minutes to make and pretty simple.

        I don’t like or make everything in it, but I can usually get at least 3 recipes I like out of each one, and some weeks I like them all. You can also search on the Cooking Light website for snack ideas that have a lot of veggies.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      As I recall, you’re in Canada, correct? If you’re in Alberta, check out H&W Produce. Huge veggie selection and usually very cheap (avocados for 69 cents!). Might give you more veggie options than a regular supermarket.

    5. Triplestep*

      Even if you think you hate broccoli, you might like it like this: Steamed, allowed to cool and dry out a bit, eaten at room temperature with a little salt. Not re-heated, not chilled – something about room temperature makes it the most palatable and tasty to me. Bonus points, it’s also filling, so I eat it between breakfast and lunch.

      I buy the crowns and cut into florets before steaming, and I make a ton all at once on weekends then divide into containers to take to work. I do keep it refrigerated at home so it keeps, but by the time I eat it at work it’s back to that magic room temperature again.

      Sometimes if I make more than I can eat in a work week, I freeze it in portions. You might wonder why I don’t just eat frozen broccoli in that case. I’ve tried – it’s just not the same.

      1. Amber Rose*

        I love broccoli any way I can get it. But I am so sick of it already. And it’s hard because husband literally can’t eat it. He’s tried it every which way, it makes him gag. And it’s tough to cook just for me.

        He only likes peas, which I find vile.

    6. Annie Moose*

      How do you feel about roasted veggies? They’re very easy to make–just chop up vegetables and put them on a cookie sheet, put a little salt and pepper on them, add some olive oil (or whatever kind of cooking oil you use) and mix it up, then cook at 400 or 450 for awhile. (the length of time depends on the vegetable and how small you cut it, but the key thing is to do it at high heat–potatoes and carrots might take 30 minutes, broccoli and cauliflower might take 20 minutes, etc.)

      I’m not a big vegetable person and normally hate them when they’re boiled or baked, but roasting makes all the difference because you get all these amazing toasty bits. My aunt does this really tasty mixture where she roasts potatoes and a variety of colored carrots (orange, white, purple…). It looks so pretty and appetizing.

      For an easy way to eat vegetables with very little prep–are there any raw vegetables you like? Baby carrots are obvious, but I love raw fresh green beans, which can be eaten with no prep at all except rinsing them off and breaking off the stems as you go. For a little more effort, I also like cut-up bell peppers and cucumbers. I don’t know if it’s healthy or not, but cucumber salad is also pretty good with minimal prep–lots of recipes out there, but it’s basically just thinly-sliced cucumber +vinegar + water + a little sugar to take the edge off + salt +pepper. Make up a batch and pitch it in the fridge to eat whenever you want.

      Also… is fruit an acceptable alternative to vegetables under your diet? Sure, they can have sugar in them, but if you genuinely like any, it can be a lot easier to get yourself to eat them than vegetables.

      1. Amber Rose*

        I don’t like most veggies. I like broccoli but man, I cannot eat nothing but broccoli. I’m already sick of it. I can’t think of anything else I’ll eat.

        I’m not allowed to eat fruit. I get one apple a day at most, and my doctor isn’t super excited about that much. :(

    7. Quandong*

      If feel worse than ever, struggle to eat more veggies, AND only eat once a day, I really think you would benefit from getting professional help from a nutritionist (if you can afford it).

      I’ve been through a lot of dietary changes in my life and had several periods where my wellbeing was drastically affected by the new change, and modifications were desperately needed. It’s not right that you feel grossed out by the thought of food, and I don’t know any medical programs that recommend only eating once per day.

      If you can’t afford to consult with a nutritionist please ask your doctor for resources you can access.

      Please seek some help before you feel even more dreadful.

      1. Amber Rose*

        I’ve been referred to a nutritionist but I’m probably looking at a year long wait. Or more. No confirmation on the exact wait, I’ll probably hear in December some time.

        I have an endocrinologist now and he’s trying to get me sorted out but it’s a slow process.

        1. Quandong*

          I’m sorry it’s such a long wait before you see a nutritionist. I’m glad you have an endocrinologist.

          This is what has worked for me in the past. I don’t know if you have food allergies or if you are a vegetarian, so apologies if there are things here you can’t eat.

          Snacks
          – handful of almonds, or brazil nuts, or cashew nuts
          – cheese and rice crackers
          – small tin of salmon and crackers
          – celery and carrot sticks with cheese or peanut butter

          Increasing veggie intake
          – try a different vegetable every week, steamed or baked or cooked in the slow cooker (depending on the vegetable)
          – try different frozen vegetables to see if you find one or two more palatable than others
          – try out different dressings for vegetables to increase the likelihood you will tolerate them
          – once you find a vegetable you like/tolerate, do some large batches of cooking and freeze if possible
          – if you can eat potatoes, beetroot, carrots, turnips and swedes, roast them (either whole or cut & drizzled with olive oil and seasonings)

          Look up some websites aimed at getting children to eat more vegetables (even though they can be irritating you might find a few good ideas). I also recommend looking up lowFODMAP recipes, particularly if you don’t tolerate beans, onions and tomatoes.

          Best wishes.

    8. valentine*

      Were you meant to be radical or can you dial back to/taper off of the fast food? I am thinking the suddenness is why you feel worse. Can you find one to three frozen meals you tolerate? What about chocolate granola bars to replace sweets? Yogurt?

    9. Chaordic One*

      Well, you might think about getting a sandwich from Subway, or one of the many other sandwich shops where you can pick one of the healthier meats and add the vegetables of your choice. Not as greasy as most other fast food.

      You might consider nutritional supplement drinks and meal replacement drinks such as “Ensure” or “Carnation Instant Breakfast”. You might also consider some frozen TV dinners. Trader Joe’s has some excellent ones, but even the supposed better ones such as “Healthy Choice” and “Smart Ones,” while still a bit dubious nutritionally, are better than not eating anything. Finally, you might try some canned soups that you can just open, dump in a dish and stick in the microwave.

    10. LilySparrow*

      Are veggie juices an option? I like carrot juice quite a lot, and carrot-celery with a hit of gingerroot is very peppy and refreshing.

      This sounds a bit extreme, but if soft texture isn’t a problem for you, have you considered squeeze pouches? You can get quite a range in most grocery and big-box stores like Target or Walmart, in the baby/toddler area. They’re just pureed foods, no cooking or refrigeration required, and they don’t have any bad additives.

      You probably shouldn’t try to live on them forever, but if you literally just need a few hits of veggies in your day, and you don’t care about the cooking/eating experience, they are very convenient and you can get them down and get it over with fast. It could be a stopgap until you start feeling better.

    11. Observer*

      Soup doesn’t have to be complicated, nor does it necessarily need to have ingredients you don’t have.

      One thing that can make a real difference, if you are willing to do some work once a week or so is a good immersion blender and / or food processor.

      Also, one pot type meals are ideal for people who don’t like to mess around with cooking.

  49. Jean (just Jean)*

    Nuts–all the links sent me straight to moderation. Hopefully my comment will appear eventually.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Oops–that was supposed to appear under the question from Bigglesworth. Clearly not having a clear-thinking day (thank you, strep throat!) Back to liquids and resting.

  50. away from the elevator*

    Looking for relationship advice:

    My husband is pretty much retired and spends most of his time sitting around, going on his laptop, in the kitchen or the living room. I really am trying to accept that he is a grown man and that is how we wants to spend his time, so fine. I am a “doer” though would sooner poke my eye out than spend all day, every day in the house on the internet.

    HOWEVER, when I am home, I don’t want to interact with him all day, just because he is there. Every time I come in, he’s sitting in one of our public spaces, so I have to see him. I mean, I’m fine saying hi, but I don’t want to join him/have a conversation every time I see him. FWIW I am an introvert, work full time, have 2 kids and just really value having some down time and not having to interact – with anyone, not necessarily him. I DO want to do things with him – we are going to the movies and dinner later – but every time I try to explain it, it comes out wrong and hurts his feelings.

    I would love some advice from others who have some scripts to use to explain it to him or have been through a similar situation.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Why does it hurt his feelings?

      Maybe instead of having a Big Talk about why you need some time and space, you could address it more casually when it arises. You walk into the living room after a long day, and your husband wants a long conversation. Talk for a minute, say hi, and then say, “I’d like to hang out with you, but I need some downtime first. I’m going into the bedroom to read quietly/lie down/cruise the internet, and I’ll be out in time for dinner.” When you ARE interacting with him, be sure to be present and engaged.

      Maybe that will hurt his feelings sometimes, but presumably he’ll get over it.

      Retirement is a big deal and can cause real stress in a marriage, so if this is a big ongoing issue, you might want to try couple’s counseling for a few sessions.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If you work full time and you (both presumably) have 2 kids, can hubby do house stuff and take care of the kids? It takes some work off your plate and he has more going on than the internet and waiting to interact with you.

      If the kids are older, he could shuttle them around, get involved in their teams or activities, etc.

      Or he can get a hobby, interest group or other activities to do.

      But if he’s not pulling his weight in childcare or house maintenance, I would start there.

    3. Dainty Lady*

      This is my worst fear about my husband retiring, as he’s many years older than I am and is getting close. I have told him point blank that he is not allowed to retire until he has a plan for how he’s going to spend his time. And, it is not allowed to be “Dink around on the laptop all day until Dainty gets home and then expect her to entertain me.” We will be divorced inside a year if that happens.

      Maybe “Hey sweetie, see you in a few” drop-quick-kiss-on-head and go on your merry way?

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I make it very much about me. I tell my partner things like, “I need a bit of downtime, going to lie down” or, “Headphones are on, I’m just going to decompress for a bit.” It’s not that you don’t want to interact with him, it’s that you’ve been interacting with other people all day and you need time to interact with nobody.

      If it helps, you can give him a timeline. “I’ll be in the other room reading for an hour, I’ll see you when that’s done.”

      1. valentine*

        This sounds like too much interaction, like having to repeatedly say you’re going to remain silent in order to invoke the right. He should know this about you by now, but you can just tell him how you want/need things to be and leave his feelings for him to manage. So: you want him to spend some time in a closed room or not to camp out in the kitchen, to ignore you for x amount of time/during y-z hours/except at dinner or together time.

    5. Ex-parrot*

      I think you’re getting some really weird and quite shoddy advice here from people who are forgetting that your husband is a human being. I’m confused about why you can’t say “hey hon, I’m a bit peopled out”. Don’t give him “timelines” or treat him like an annoying child. Jeez.

    6. AnoninC*

      My husband recently had a period of a few months where he really was not working a lot and was home much more than I was. It was very frustrating for me to leave work and he’s home, come home from work after 8-10 hours… and he’s home, and see him every single day when I’m not working. He too would get hurt and frustrated when I didn’t want to interact with him some nights. I figured out the only way to get the alone time I needed was to just take it. My husband was kind of hurt but I also told him that he’s home a lot more and just because he doesn’t have a lot of work to do at the moment doesn’t mean I don’t need my alone time. Eventually he began to feel better about me needing alone time. I also encouraged him to go hang out with his friends and entertain himself and he did, because he realized that I was not going to compromise.

  51. Rebecca*

    Need vacuum recommendations for people with pets! Nothing too expensive, was thinking about an upright bagless model that has attachments that I can use to vacuum furniture (LOL notice how that has the word “fur” right in front!), or grab cobwebs up high. I have mostly carpet except the bathroom. My old Oreck is about to bite the dust and I’m tired of lugging around the hand held vac for anything other than the floors, and tired of the bag system too.

    And because I’m in a rural area, malls are closing, etc. choices are limited. I do have a Lowes and Wal-Mart nearby, if that helps. Thanks for any tips you might have!

    1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Shark Rotator. Was less than the Dyson Animal. It’s been wonderful, and I relegated the heavy kirby and the small shop vacuum out to the garage (eventually sold the former) because this works pretty much for both in the house. Bagless saves on the bags, the dog hair doesn’t seem to clog it (although I regularly flip it over and cut “my” hair from the brushes… mine is longer and problematic). The hose system is integrated, so you can pull the hose end out, plop the on-board attachment on it, use the nozzle on the couch, and return it to the vacuum – all in one go.

      Big hint – get the online consumer reports access. $20 annual for online only. I just got it a month ago and saved more than enough on the car insurance and exercise equipment recommendations to more than pay for the entire year. I didn’t have it when DH bought this vacuum, but if this one ever dies (it’s been > 3 happy years), I’ll research the next one there.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’ve been very happy with my Shark Navigator Lift-Away. I’ve had it for about 8 years, got it before I got the dog, and it proved to be really great at picking up after him (especially after I clean it out– it’s like I vacuum up a whole new buddy). They make a model now that’s supposed to be particularly pet-friendly and I would buy it if I needed a new machine (unless the Dyson Animal were on super sale).

      2. anon24*

        Also recommend this. I was both disgusted and amazed at the amount of pet hair it pulled out of my carpet after switching from my old Eureka. My mom is a die hard “upright vacuums are worthless junk” and after using mine once she went out and bought one for herself. This thing is awesome!

    3. Gatomon*

      I’ve had good luck with Bissell, they have a pet-version upright bagless that works great on cat hair. I found it at Lowes a few years ago, I think it was about $130? Maybe less with a sale. It has a powered attachment for furniture.

      They also make a hand vac I actually use more for getting furniture, it’s called the Pet Eraser. It also has that powered attachment, but I think this version is better. I have a fabric couch and it gets nearly everything in one pass! I’ve seen this at Target.

    4. Anonomo*

      Any of the Shark brand. Ive literally vacuumed a mans tube sock and then all the litter around the cat box and the kitchen before I had to dump it out. They have long hoses so you dont have to crawl around on your knees vacuuming baseboards and the pet attachment mine came with is awesome in the car too. One issue is the hose can get clogged if you vaccum over anything wet, but its not too bad to clean it out in the tub if you have a few days for it to dry.

        1. Anonomo*

          It was behind the couch and I didnt see it until it was already going up the hose XD Once I realized the vacuum wasnt clogged I just went ahead and finished and grabbed it out of the trash!

    5. Lcsa99*

      Jumping on the Shark bandwagon. We love our Shark Ionflex Duo. It folds up tiny so we don’t have to take up a lot of room in the closet, it has a lot of attachments for whatever we want to clean, and we are always surprised by how much hair it picks up every time.

      We did get an extra battery so we can always have one charged, but honestly while I always seem to use the extra one when I vacuum, my husband never does so it just depends on the size of your home.

    6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Not really what you’re asking but the other week I bought an inexpensive old fashioned carpet sweeper and it does a much better job of picking up my long hair than the vacuum does. Obviously it has somewhat limited applications but it is already worth the £12. No electricity needed, lightweight, and easy to empty.

    7. Le'veon Bell is Seizing the Means of Production*

      In addition to a regular vacuum, I recommend looking into robot vacuums! Lots of people use them specifically for pet hair; you can run the robot every day to pick up the small accumulation, and then do a regular vacuum less frequently (and have a cleaner home in between regular vacuumings).

      1. Lcsa99*

        I have the be a voice of dissention for the robot vacuum. It was cute but for us, it was more work that it was worth. It would often get stuck in stupid places and it could only do a small portion of our home before it had to charge again – so it would do about 1/3 of the living room then charge for 5 hours and do more of the living room before it had to charge again. It didn’t miss much from what it did cover, but it would always do the same rooms every time and there aren’t enough hours in the day for it to get everything (and ours could never find its charger). Its possible we just had the wrong one but getting a bagless cordless one for the less has made our lives so much easier.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Brand makes a huge difference. My old Roomba was random motion and handled weird object placement better than the Samsung I have now. But this Samsung does corners better AND recognizes “cliffs” so I can use it on my raised floor area. (1950s house with a 1970s feature. Go figure.)
          They are NOT a substitute for a good strong vac, but they cut down the need to do it manually as often.

  52. SAHM*

    Tackled the crafting room!!! It’s been such a higgedly piggedly mess since I let my kids take it over, paint, perler beads, legos, paper cut into “monsters”, leftover lunchable containers repurposed into paint & perler bead containers and “creations”. Ugh it was so bad. Now it’s clean! And I’ve cleaned off two more of the shelves of my stuff (soaping things, colorant, lye, fragrances, a whole 36oz container of jojoba oil (!!!!) I didn’t know I had stashed up there) for the boys to put their legos so their toddler sister doesn’t wreck them. Of course MY desk is a disaster, and I’m hoping to have some time to clean it off, baby has been out for two (!!!!) hours in her own (!!!) crib, so we’ll see how much I can get done before she wakes up.

    Packing up all her 3-6 month clothes and unpacking & washing all the 6-9 month. It’s bittersweet. A friend of a friend just had a premie and I have two other pregnant friends so all the clothes is going instead of being put up in my closet for the next one. I’m a touch sad that this is my last one, no more babies, but I am looking forward to first words and mobility. Getting rid of the bassinet, it’s been through 3 of my kids, but she’s outgrown it, replacing it with the excersaucer that came from amazon yesterday. Just a bit of a bittersweet day.

    She is such a chunk compared to her petite big sister, and Thing 2 was scrawny and tall for a baby, Thing 1 was a super chunk too. There’s a lot of similarities between my first and my last, born on the same day (11th) although 7 years and 7 months apart, they look exactly alike, they’re my chunkiest babies, her rolls have rolls as my hubs says.

    I AM looking forward to sleeping in my own bed without a baby, 2 of the previous 3 transitioned from my bed to crib awesomely. I still wake up to Thing 2 asleep in my bed, Having no idea when he showed up, we’ve been trying to break him if that but he’s only 6. If he wakes up and wants to snuggle at 3am, I’ll cut him slack.

    Anyway, off to put together excersaucers, clean my desk, fold and pack up/put away baby clothes. And I think I hear baby crying, almost 2.5 hrs of nap! Awesome!

    1. Enough*

      We always say son (child#1) and daughter (child#3) are twins born 10 years apart. So many things in common. Middle child is a daughter who is different in temperament, abilities and physique that if it wasn’t for the fact she looks like others in the family you might think she was adopted.

      1. SAHM*

        It’s funny bc Thing 2 and daughter 1 are so alike, very bossy, very smart, and they look identical even if she’s dark to his fair. It’s also funny bc you’d think they’d bond more bc they’re so similar, and only 4 yrs apart, nope, I mean, they love each other but Thing 1 and daughter 1 are attached at the hip while Thing 2 and daughter 2 are inseparable. He just adores her and wants to hold baby all the time, it was super surprising bc he’s not my most affectionate kid. We jokingly call him Sheldon bc he’s smart, overly particular (ie bossy), and a little overly logical. But he’s really shown a new side with this baby sister.

  53. I am still Furious!!*

    Weekly divorce update

    I got the first payment on the article of agreement on my old house, the new owner found my fishing rod! I thought it had been lost forever, but he found it and called me, so I picked it up. He assured me if he and his wife found anything they thought might be important to me, they’d call. I am so grateful. He said not to worry about tossing everything remaining in the basement, since he’s gutting the house he’s getting a dumpster, so he’ll take care of it. I am so grateful for that. So, I set up a money market bucket in my credit union account to put the house money into, then next year, whatever I have I’ll take out, get a loan for the balance, and then use the continuing payments to pay the loan and that will take care of the second half of the settlement.

    I feel more settled in at Mom’s. Plumber is going to stop by Monday to see what needs to be done about the sink upstairs, and I got my gas grill scrubbed down and ready to go. Have had 2 power outages since I got here, one was about 6 hours and the other only a few minutes, so I want to have the grill ready to go in case I want to cook or heat up water on the side burner. Mom has an electric stove, electric hot water heater, and a well, so power outages are a pain. And of course the propane cylinder is empty, so I have to go get it filled. Once done, though, I can make French Press coffee at least, and wash up with warm water before I go to work.

    Mom is stressing about the refrigerator. She feels it’s “too full” but I told her I have to have room for things, too. I did buy some extra cheese sticks, and she complained about that, because now the cheese drawer is “crowded”. And she won’t eat any of the food I buy for both of us because she didn’t pick it out, she doesn’t know the country of origin, or whatever…I just let it go. She has odd notions about food that I’m not going to change, that’s for sure. Like, if a yogurt has a sell by date of today, she won’t eat it because “it’s expired”. And she stresses about the country of origin of fruit of all things, yet insists on eating fake sugar free food loaded with chemicals and sorbitol…and then complains about loose bowels. OMG seriously. Whatever. The best part is it’s getting back to me that she is telling people that my eating habits are terrible and she says that I need to change them. Uh, no.

    Not sure if I posted this before, but a roofer stopped by, apparently there’s a small leak around the flashing at the chimney, and I think he’s going to fix it. I met him, and his son, and after they left, Mom made a point to tell me he was born the same year I was, isn’t that a coincidence? I don’t even want to know how she gathered this knowledge.

    But, there are positives, I have a comfortable space, 2 of my cats are here with me, cat #3 is adjusting to the new owners and the neighbors, and now I can concentrate on getting out of debt and getting money around for second half of the settlement next year. 25 days.

    1. Notthemomma*

      I was thinking of you this morning and hoping you would update!

      Sending continues good vibes out to you!

    2. Villanelle*

      That’s very kind of the new house owner. I’m glad that you can see positives in your current situation – you have come a long way since the start of your posts (when you were furious).

    3. Woodswoman*

      The new house owner sounds like a kind person. You’ve come such a long way. It sounds like you’ve made it past the tasks that ate so much of your time. I hope you are able to make time for the things that bring you joy, like fishing or whatever else that may be. Less than a month to go.

    4. Blue Eagle*

      Sending positive energy to you. Glad to hear that the house sale is working out for you. My thoughts on the refrigerator issue is – have you considered buying a second refrigerator? It doesn’t have to be a full-sized one, maybe an apartment-sized or a dorm-sized one. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be a new one. My neighbor on NextDoor just put a smaller frig for sale quite reasonably when they purchased a new one. Anyway just an idea. Have a great week!

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        That is an excellent idea! Like a small dorm size fridge, maybe I could pick one up used…I could put my extra cheese, yogurt, things like that in it. It’s so frustrating to me. She likes to see one little thing on a shelf, with space around it, then another little thing, and I just shove things in and stack them. It makes no difference to me, but she just stresses over all of it!

        1. acmx*

          Yay 25 days left!

          Would you be able to have your own shelf? Also, maybe make your stuff more organized if indeed you are shoving things in there?

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I think with older less efficient fridges you kind of had to do that. Some people liked round containers for the fridge because it made it harder to block the air circulation entirely.

          I have seen nice little fridges at Lowe’s for around $250. You might get lucky and find a slightly damaged one for even less. (cosmetic damage, not the operating parts).

    5. UtOh!*

      Be kind to your Mom, she was there for you and was able to take you in during this time, try to work around her comfort level (the extra fridge idea is great!). I know I would be so uncomfortable if I ever had to move back in with my Mom, and she would be as well, we each like things “our way” so I’m sure lots of head butting would occur. You seem to be going well and are in good spirits, let Mom be who she is and you be who you are, it’s really hard to change that and live under someone else’s microscope. I am sure we all have odd things we do to keep our anxieties at bay! :)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This works for some people, sometimes. Other times this can be advice that is not helpful. OP is the one actually seeing what is going on so we have to assume that OP is using her best judgement at all times given her givens.

        We can never be certain what goes on behind closed doors what with family dynamic and all. Here OP has been indicating mom is having difficulty with this and that. It could be nothing or at some point she may need to make a plan for mom. No way to know for sure. Hopefully, mom will become less fearful and less worried with OP around now.

        2. I am still Furious!!*

          That’s very astute – Mom has severe anxiety issues, severe to the point she can’t make simple decisions about things we all take for granted, like the bathroom next to my room. Dad gutted it, at her request, 15 years ago, and she was unable to decide what fixtures, flooring, and wall covering to install. I mean, how hard is that, it’s a bathroom, right? It would take me 10 minutes to decide. But my Mom can’t do that. She frets, stresses, gets endless samples of colors, looks at everything, then shuts down. She pretty much does this with everything. When Dad was alive, he just took the bull by the horns and things got done, but since he died 18 months ago, Mom hasn’t been doing great.

          She also has trouble sleeping on top of all this, probably caused by the anxiety, and won’t take any of the meds her doctor prescribed because she “doesn’t want to be an addict”. No amount of me telling her that hey, you’re almost 83 years old, you’re miserable because you can’t sleep, so take the pill, will help.

          I know she’s happy I’m here, as I can do the “heavy lifting” so to speak, and she knows there’s someone in the house if she falls, or needs help, so that makes me feel good. I’m trying to overlook her quirks – I won’t change her at this point, so I try to go with the flow!

          You’ll laugh about this – the freezer in the kitchen fridge is about 1/3 full. I bought a box of ice cream. She said “you’ll have to put that in the deep freeze downstairs, there’s not enough room up here”. OK Mom. Then she said “the deep freeze is too full”. OK, so I looked, and she had about a dozen 1/2 gallon milk jugs filled with water in it. I said, oh, can we take out a few of these to make room for food, and she balked at that because she likes to have them in there to “fill up the space and make it more efficient”. I’m still shaking my head over that one.

          My plan is to spy on her kitchen calendar and tip off whatever doctor’s office she’s visiting next about the lack of sleep and anxiety, and hope they ask pointed questions that she can’t avoid answering. No, she doesn’t allow me to go to appointments with her, or I would.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Good for you for calling them. They need to know that she is not taking her medicine. They may not be able to tell you anything but they sure can listen!

  54. Annie Moose*

    Little bit late in the day, but I’m going to be in Chicago for a Saturday in November! I’ve been to Chicago enough times that I’ve done the obvious stuff (the Bean, Navy Pier, Shedd Aquarium, Field Museum, the Magnificent Mile…), so I’m looking for other ideas.

    I’m just going to be there for the day by myself (I’m going down to see MST3K Live Friday night and I’m very excited about it!!), so I probably won’t be doing any evening shows or stuff like that. If the weather is decent, I wouldn’t mind going to the zoo, but… it’s Chicago in November. The odds of the weather being good are not great. I like museums, especially history, and I’d also love restaurant recommendations for dinner. I like pretty much any kind of cuisine, but I don’t drink alcohol so I’d only be interested in bars if they have REALLY good food.

    Whatever you have, lay it on me!

    1. Kris*

      I enjoyed the Chicago History Museum (focused on local history) or the Oriental Institute on the University of Chicago campus (Near Eastern archaeology).

    3. Two Dog Night*

      Saturday matinee at a theater? There are always tons of shows playing, and no one would notice if you were by yourself. Museums are the other indoor option I can think of… in November I wouldn’t count on it being good walking-around weather.

      If the weather does turn out to be decent, you could take the el out to Oak Park and do a Frank Lloyd Wright walking tour, if that sounds interesting.

      Ooh, or check this out: https://www.architecture.org/tours/detail/chicago-pedway/ It’s an architecture tour that uses the Pedway, so it’s not outdoors. I haven’t done it, but the Pedway is interesting on its own, and the tour looks like it goes some good places.

    4. Triplestep*

      See if there’s anything interesting happening at the Art Institute, but even if there’s no special exhibit that interests you, their regular collection probably would.

    5. Bluebell*

      There was a great thread on this a week or two ago. My suggestions are Millenium Park, the architecture boat tour, Chicago Historical Society and the restaurant Bohemian House (best beers ever!) plus Navy Pier. Have fun!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      “Wait wait don’t tell me” is out of Chicago… check & see if they’re home or on the road.

  55. Family problems*

    All, I could use some advice on a sticky family situation. Sorry for the wall of text.

    The situation: Dad died recently, and Mom wants to split a luxury apartment when my current lease ends. She is working a low wage job that is 1099 and historically highly variable. I think she’s in trouble with the IRS again, and has a fresh foreclosure on her credit because of Dad’s death. Her current housing situation is unsafe but within her means. Thing is, I think sharing an apartment or getting tangled financially is a horrible idea.

    Mom’s argument is that we both save money by splitting a 2 bedroom in a nicer complex and she can “get on her feet again.” I’m skeptical that anyone with 40 years’ history of bad financial decisions is suddenly going to get better at it because the other half of the bad decisions has passed on. I would have a hard time covering the bills if she couldn’t do her part.

    There’s also no timeframe for her to be financially stable. She’s talked about retraining for a new career, she’s talked about waiting another 3 years until she can collect Social Security, she has no real plan from what I can tell. She refuses to apply for SNAP or housing assistance for various BS reasons.

    The final sticking point for me is her faith. For years we mostly left it alone, I didn’t talk to her about being atheist, and she didn’t talk to me about her Christianity. Now it seems like every conversation we have, she finds a way to bring in God, no matter the topic. She constantly bashes other people/Christians and states that, “if they read the bible like I did they would know X,” in a very superior tone. She has insinuated multiple times I lack morals because I’m not Christian. I don’t think I can put up living with this. I don’t make it a point to insult people of faith every time I come across a religious reference, I’ve never even tried to deconvert her, why can’t I get the same respect?

    Cosigning and giving her money/paying bills for her are off the table — I would be ruined financially trying to pay for 2x 1 bedroom apartments, and she has a history of spending money I’ve given her for assistance tithing to her church. It is a prosperity-gospel megachurch, and after watching several sermons I have deep issues with it. I will not support it in any way. She refuses to put food and shelter before this church, so unless that changes I won’t give her money or pay her bills directly.

    I think the right thing to do is suck it up and split a 2 bedroom for as little time as possible until she can “fly solo.” Logically, financially, for my mental health, and in my gut, I think it’s a terrible idea. But if I don’t, she’s stuck in this truly unsafe living situation, and it feels wrong to leave her like that. I have no idea what to do at this point.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I was so upset, I posted this as a new comment and not a reply to yours. I’m copying it here:

      “I think the right thing to do is suck it up and split a 2 bedroom for as little time as possible until she can ‘fly solo.’”

      No. Nonononononono.

      This is not the right thing to do. She will never be able to fly solo, and this will completely drag you down emotionally and financially.

      You do not need to sacrifice yourself to anyone.

      I’m sure people here can give you scripts, or try Captain Awkward. I personally would stick to, “I’m sorry, Mom, it’s not going to work.” Don’t get dragged down in reasons, she will never accept them and you will start to question yourself.

      You’re a good person, you love your mother, and it is NOT WRONG to protect yourself.

      In terms of her housing and safety, help her find resources, make suggestions, etc. just the same as you would for anyone else that you care about but you’re not going to share your home with. She’s an adult. If she won’t go on assistance or accept your financial help to, you know, help herself, that’s her decision.

    2. Notthemomma*

      NO NO NO!!! Take a step back and put this on paper if need be. As she ages, will you be able to untangle your joint living situation? Your finances? Will your income be counted against hers if she does apply for SNAP? Add to that unknown health issues which may appear eventually; would you be able to leave her to live in your own if she should develop an illness or become infirm? On top of that, the stress of the faith conversation….
      I’m not psychic, but only see a bad outcome for you. Through her or your work is there an EAP that can refer to resources or a local AARP office that can offer some suggestions? Perhaps the local Social Seevices office has contacts and resources?

    3. Aquablue*

      You mentioned so many red flags about splitting a place with your mom…Since you asked for opinions, I will give mine which is this: DO NOT DO IT. PLEASE DO NOT DO IT.

      I don’t have a good relationship with my mom and it deteriorated exponentially when I moved in with her and my dad after college. She too is very vocal about her Christian faith and every.single.conversation was dominated with talks about religion. This is manageable if we were to have the occasional meal together or get-together but not when living together. Too many opportunities to run into each other in the same “space” aka home. It’s emotionally draining b/c all you want to do is get milk + cereal from the kitchen and I get accosted by my mom about how I’m going to hell b/c I don’t go to her church. Telling her to please not talk about it didn’t work. I come from a culture where the parents are given the status of dictators. She is higher on the totem pole and she feels entitled to say all sorts of stuff b/c she’s the parent. I’m at the point where I *maybe* have a meal with her once a month. I’m sad that the relationship has come to this but I had to put up barriers for my sanity and to keep what little relationship we have. By the way, years later she is still clueless as to why we don’t spend time together.

      I’m lucky my parents are financial stable so I didn’t have to worry about that but please, do NOT put your own financial well-being on the chopping block for your mom. You already expressed serious concerns because of her history o bad financial decisions. From my perspective of what you’ve told me, I agree that she will not change. .

      I get that you want to be there for her but there are other ways without endangering yourself. If she is truly willing to make better financial decisions, then you can offer to help her navigate her options. You seem to suggest you have an inkling of what’s happening but you don’t really know the details. See if your mom will tell you the truth and show you documents so you’re up to speed on her real situation. There may be services she can access, with professionals who truly know what they’re doing, that can help her. A lot of times, having someone there for you emotionally significantly helps. You don’t have to be the “bank” to help someone.

      You mention that co-signing and paying her bills is not an option yet you mention increasing your bills by moving into a larger place and taking her in. Aren’t those essentially the same thing??

      Please do not move in with your mom. You know that she will leave you paying for EVERYTHING. She won’t move out on the agreed upon date, she will emotionally guilt you into extending her stay and more.

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      + a million to Not A Manager.
      In other words, Ye gods, no no no no no. Start with “put on your own oxygen mask first” and just keep going in that spirit. Honoring one’s parents does not require joining them in total self-destruction. (Maybe you can help by setting up direct payment for her electric bill, or something, but only if you can make hack-proof arrangements so she can’t divert funds to her church or elsewhere.) Do not start living together; it will be impossible to extricate yourself later and you don’t need the 24/7 distress of being preached at or disrespected for having your own perfectly valid opinions.

      Surely somebody in her deeply religious congregation can point her towards resources, social service groups, or a potential roommate? Or if not that precise community, maybe folks in another Christian social service agency such as the Salvation Army or possibly Lutheran Social Services? It might be unwise to refer her to Catholic Charities or Jewish Family & Children’s Services, but maybe this is just my evil inner comedian talking. Most human service agencies are happy to help people in distress regardless of whether they do or don’t belong to the same faith as the one referenced in the organization’s name.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Plus a million to this comment! If you want to help, pay directly for something. Refill her public transit card, pay her electric bill, take her grocery shopping once a month, something. Hell, I’d even say, do those things ON THE CONDITION that she applies for the assistance she needs. “Mom, I’ll gladly cover $X/month for XYZ bill IF and ONLY IF you pick up my phone right now and contact the SNAP office. I’m not going to bail you out with MY hard-earned money when you refuse to use the services you’ve spent a lifetime paying taxes for.”

    5. Anonomo*

      Please DO NOT “suck it up”! You are not a 10 year old who has been told a poster of Jesus can be your only decoration, you are an adult who has made progress dispite what sounds like an unstable childhood. Your mother may be able to pull it together since your father passed away (if he was the main factor in instability) and for her Christian rants you could even chalk that up to grief (its been over 10 years and my mom is still processing my father’s passing), but there has to be a point where you get to step back and say “Im sorry mom but no”. What would happen if you met someone and wanted to move in with them next year, or got an offer for a dream job on the other side of the globe, or got in a crash and needed to move to a rehab facility, would you chose to stay in this future apartment instead of living your own life instead? That sounds cruel, but your mother has made her choices and does not get to be mean emotionally and manipulative financially to you now that you are an adult needing to make your own choices. You matter. Your emotions matter, your financial security matters, and your gut instincts matter. Help your mom only with whatever your willing to lose, but please, dont forget you matter too.

    6. Red Reader*

      No, the right thing to do is to protect yourself first and don’t let her drag you down.

    7. Hellanon*

      Nonononono! She’s an adult with full command of her faculties (as bad as the decisions she makes are, absent any sign of dementia, her decisions are hers) and you can neither rescue her nor save her from herself. You do, however, have an absolute responsibility to yourself and your future.

    8. UtOh!*

      “I think sharing an apartment or getting tangled financially is a horrible idea.”….this!

    9. Bluebell*

      Agreeing with all the other commenters here. My sisters and I have similar issues with our mom. She is awful with money and completely frittered the $$ she inherited from her parents. I’m willing to directly pay for things and I cover two bills of hers. But I refuse to just give her money. We’ve been asking her to draw up a budget for four years and counting but it has yet to happen.

    10. Jen Erik*

      I’ve a struggling family member, and it’s been possible they might need somewhere to live, and we have space, and every socialised iota of me thinks that, if it comes to it, the right thing to do would be to offer to house them – but I’m not going to. (They’d be happy for me to shoulder those responsibilities, but that could only work if it was balanced in some way by them admitting I had the right to make demands of them in return.)

      And you’re not me, but I’m on your gut’s side: do what you can – invite her for meals, listen to her problems, write to her pastor and ask if they’ve any kind of social justice outreach for widows that can offer her support – but I think it’d be a mistake to move in together.

    11. Kuododi*

      In the name of all that’s holy… please no!!!! Don’t cosign, don’t cover her bills, nothing!!!! You are not obligated to put yourself at risk to save your mother from herself. DH and I have delt with ongoing problems on his side of the family as they seem to be under the ongoing impression that because we own a small house of our own and keep our bills paid…(For the most part)…that we must be independently wealthy. He routinely tells his siblings no when they call with the latest self induced financial crisis. DH made certain his mother’s placed in a safe place to address her medical and safety needs, that was financially delt with through Medicare. It’s not a fancy place, but it’s clean and she’s cared for. That’s all that’s expected

    12. Quandong*

      Please do not move in with your mother! Don’t give her any money, or cosign a lease or any loans!

      You don’t have to sacrifice your own mental, physical, and financial wellbeing to rescue her.

      If you feel you need to help, research resources for people in her situation so you know what options she really has.

      There are so many red flags here, it’s horrifying. I’m so sorry for the way your mother treats you. It’s not okay, and she has no right to expect financial or emotional support from you.

      1. Quandong*

        In addition – your mother is refusing to use assistance for BS reasons. The consequences of that choice fall on HER, not on YOU. She has options that do not involve you.

        I rescind my advice to research resources for her, she can work this out on her own.

        Be strong. Your wellbeing is worth fighting for.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Agreeing with everyone here. Do not hook your finances to your mother’s finances in any manner.

          I am a church person. I think that if her church is so great she can go ask her church to help her. Sorry. that is just me. Tell her to take a Crown Finance course and get back to you when she is finished. This course will go over the basics of how to handle household money according to the bible. (It would not surprise me if she does not want to talk about this with you- but it might be worth googling so you can see for yourself that it *should* be right up her alley. And would land on her keeping her hands out of your wallet.)

          If it were me, I would start paying her bills directly. Actually, I am not sure I would pay her bills at all. I don’t know, I am not in the position. You may want to chat with a lawyer about the legal implications of regularly paying her bills for her.

          Whatever the case may be, please tell her no about living with you. And if you offer reasons, that will only make the conversation take longer. “No, mom, that is not going to happen.” That is to the point and does not give her anything to hammer on.

          You are absolutely correct in assuming she will drain you of any savings or resources that you have.

          1. LilySparrow*

            I’m sorry for your loss.

            Another church person saying Crown Financial is a very solid & practical course, highly recommended. Also, if she needs assistance, the deaconate at a large church exists for exactly that reason. When I was involved with deaconate at a large church, the first thing they did was help you enroll in any programs you qualified for (like SNAP). Then they did financial and career counseling and gave partial assistance, like paying utilities directly to the company. If nothing else, going to the deaconate (or congregation care, or mercy ministry, depending on the denomination) could get her connected to counseling and emotional support that would help her a lot.

            If she didn’t have the history you described, I’d encourage you to help her directly in as many ways as possible. But with the lack of boundaries you’re talking about, I don’t think allowing her to become dependent on you is going to be good for either of you. And if you move in together, she is going to become dependent on you.

            How recently did your dad die? I mean flailing around, not having a plan, magical thinking, and talking more about her religious beliefs are all very typical of the first year or so after a loss. So is your mix of guilt and anger towards her. Some of that will all sort itself out and settle down in time.

            But in the meantime, it’s good of you that you are concerned with her living situation. If you could get a non-luxury 2 bedroom, with only your name on the lease, that you could afford on your own if she couldn’t pay – that might be a tenable situation if you two got along better. But you know she takes on financial obligations that she can’t afford. That’s what a foreclosure is. And with the tension between you – it’s very tricky.

            Give what you can afford to give away with no strings attached. Don’t leverage yourself into a bad situation based on guilt or obligation. If you wind up in an apartment you can’t afford, that’s going to be worse for both of you and for your relationship than things are now. And if she’s in trouble with the IRS, you do not want to be financially entangled.

            Are there any other relatives or good friends she could room with? Or – depending on the church – there might be an “intentional community” house with room available. Some large churches have official or unofficial ministries that are experimenting with group homes as a way to meet housing needs for low-income members and challenge them spiritually. It’s usually a young-people thing, and the healthiness vs toxicity of the situation varies widely. But it’s a thing that might be out there.

            What a tough situation! I hope things start to turn around for you and her very soon.

            1. Kuododi*

              I don’t recognize the name “Crown Financial”. Out of curiosity…is that a US or Canadian resource? DH and I are both church people. It occurs to me that this might actually be an opportunity when the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University could be a big help. (Full disclosure, DH and I took the initial course, found some helpful jumping off points to get our $$ on track but we have no other relationship to the program.)

              If Mom would give this a try. She would find an explanations for the
              importance of being fiscally responsible in language she would find difficult to ignore….(straight from the Protestant Bible, filtered through the lens of Evangelical Christianity.)… This would additionally give everyone else involved a chance to step back so Mom can start to listen to a neutral voice that isn’t overstressed adult children and family.

              1. LilySparrow*

                FPU is good too.

                Crown Financial Ministries is kind of similar, but has more of a Bible-study emphasis (or it did when I took it years ago). It was actually a Sunday School curriculum.

                FPU is certainly informed by Biblical principles and has Bible quotes in it, but I feel like a non-church person could take FPU and just see those things as an underlying philosophy. In Crown, it’s more central to the curriculum.

            2. Triplestep*

              I agree with the general sentiment that you should not move in with her, but I also wanted to give a nod to the idea that she should have resources in her faith community. That is one of the benefits of belonging to one … like-minded people who can help.

              Should you totally remove yourself and not help at all? Not necessarily, but there are probably things you can help with that would not involve moving in with her or supporting her financially.

              If you ever do get to the point you are able to help her financially and that’s something you want to do, you can do what we did with a family-member: transfer a small amount of money each day or week to her bank account. Enough for walking around money or a bit extra for groceries, etc, but not enough that she’d be able to blow the whole lot at once and then come to you with empty pockets.

              1. Observer*

                Several people have mentioned the resources that a faith community can provide. The real problem here is that Mom is almost certainly not going to take advantage of them, even if this particular congregation has them, which they may not. (The prosperity gospel folks seem to be more likely to be lacking in aid to the non-prosperous than other groups.)

    13. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Ten thousand “please no” here.

      I supported my dad for far too many years, both living with him and even after I moved out, and while it’s what I had to do to make sure Mom was ok, there was no reason he couldn’t have made better choices once Mom died. He made lots of the same choices your mom did because I was foolish and naive enough to keep subsidizing him (granted I had no reason to believe he was conning me at that point and I believed he was doing all the things he should like applying for housing aid and all that): didn’t apply for housing aid, let the house and appliances fall apart around him, was far more concerned about giving money he hadn’t earned to community related events like weddings and funerals than paying his electric bill, etc.

      After almost 20 years of carrying him I found out how badly he was abusing my trust last year and had to go through a whole process to detach him financially. It was only possible because I didn’t live with him anymore and even then it was really complicated and painful. What’s worse is knowing that after 50 years of bad financial decisions, having his only daughter cut him off STILL didn’t change his habits and he’s just continued to make bad and worse decisions.

      If you move in with your mom, she’ll have even less incentive to change. Please save yourself and your finances the heartache and the pain. You’re not a bad person for preserving yourself.

    14. Anna*

      Moving in with your mom is pretty much guaranteed to be a nightmare. If you really want to try it, pick an appartment you can pay solo. Because I’m very much afraid you will have to.

      I would stick to inviting her over for meals and finding out what church-based help you can get her (I’m not American but others have made suggestions). It’s hard because she’s your mom but please don’t let her drag you under. It won’t actually help in the long term. Jedi hugs to you.

    15. Redshirt*

      What you think is the right thing to do (split an apartment) is NOT the right thing to do. You are not leaving her in a bad situation.

      There’s a lot that your Mom can do. And a lot you can help in ways that don’t involve massively comingling finances with an incomparable human. Such as helping her to filling out assistance applications. Or sending links to financial education websites. But the other person is willing to change/consider new information.

      You cannot fix this. Please don’t try.

    16. valentine*

      Wish her well and stay free. Don’t be her sounding board/advisor. Change the subject after three sentences or say no money talk in general. Don’t let her suck you in. Not that hitching your wagon to her anchor would ever be a good idea, but a reasonable person would have chosen a reasonably priced place that you could afford alone or that would be easy to find a new roomie for when she next plummets. But she wants a luxury place. She’s reeling you into a fantasy. Fly away. Fly and be free.

    17. LGC*

      Like, I want to tell you to passive aggressively send her Dave Ramsey’s books, but…

      Anyway, I think everyone has covered the issues. But…given that you’re from the US (since you’re talking about SNAP specifically), and given what you’ve said about your mom’s religion, something tells me that it might be her religion that’s keeping her from looking at getting government assistance. (Assuming she’s a white evangelical, which is probably the most right-wing religious group in the US.) More directly, she’s giving money she can’t spend to this church!

      Is there any way you can get her set up with a faith-based housing assistance program, or help her do so? She might be more receptive to that. (Or she might not be – it sounds like she has a lot of shame over being poor, which…she shouldn’t.)

    18. Family problems*

      I’m not even sure where to start with individual replies, so I’m going to do a general one. I have read all the comments though, and I am so grateful for all of your advice!

      I think we can take splitting an apartment off the table. I was thinking of a more short-term situation (<1 year) but several of you made good points about the long term, and since I'm not sure how she'd actually afford her own place it could easily drag on longer than that, and I don't want to be stuck if a major life change happens for either of us. Living with your mom is not really great for dating life at 30+. :(

      I checked into the qualifications for SNAP in my state. It looks like I'm too old to have to be counted as part of her household as long as we prepare meals separately… but it looks like a bit of a gray area and since she likes to feed me, that could be a sticking point.

      I have never heard of Crown Finance but it does seem to be up her ally. I'll try to suggest it to her, along with Dave Ramsey (who I have heard good things about from friends). I know she uses a spreadsheet, but I've never seen it.

      I did confirm there are IRS issues for multiple years right now. Some of it is leftover from Dad, who didn't pay/set aside any money for taxes in 2017. He literally dropped dead in February, so hopefully there's not much damage for 2018.

      As far as church resources go, there don't appear to be any with this one. There doesn't appear to be any structure beyond the head pastor. She's refused to investigate any local churches or resources herself, but I'll see if I can find any resources for her. I know we have a fairly robust non-religious community but housing assistance is lacking; maybe there are some religious organizations that I haven't heard about though.

      Thank you all!

      1. Redshirt*

        Good luck! I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. It isn’t easy to see family struggle.

    19. Observer*

      I’m not really sure why you think this is the right thing to do. Nor do I understand why you think this will have any sort of reasonable end time. At the moment, she has shelter and you are not endangering it. If you move in together and she fails to pay her bills – which you indicate is a string possibility – what are you going to do? Kicking her out would be far worse for her than her current situation.

      The only way this might POSSIBLY work is if you could find a non-luxury 2 bedroom that you could manage to pay for even if your mother didn’t pay her share. There are still enough other issues that it’s not clear that it’s a workable idea even then, though.

  56. Not A Manager*

    “I think the right thing to do is suck it up and split a 2 bedroom for as little time as possible until she can ‘fly solo.’”

    No. Nonononononono.

    This is not the right thing to do. She will never be able to fly solo, and this will completely drag you down emotionally and financially.

    You do not need to sacrifice yourself to anyone.

    I’m sure people here can give you scripts, or try Captain Awkward. I personally would stick to, “I’m sorry, Mom, it’s not going to work.” Don’t get dragged down in reasons, she will never accept them and you will start to question yourself.

    You’re a good person, you love your mother, and it is NOT WRONG to protect yourself.

    In terms of her housing and safety, help her find resources, make suggestions, etc. just the same as you would for anyone else that you care about but you’re not going to share your home with. She’s an adult. If she won’t go on assistance or accept your financial help to, you know, help herself, that’s her decision.

  58. anon today and tomorrow*

    I just had to pay $300 for a locksmith to spend 5 minutes unlocking my apartment. I’M SO ANNOYED WITH MYSELF.

    I usually keep a spare set of keys at work, but I’ve had to clear out all my personal items since I’m leaving, and my landlord doesn’t live in the city and was out of state this weekend.

    Ten years of apartment living and this is the first time I’ve ever locked myself out. Definitely going to try to avoid doing it again because $300 is TOO MUCH.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Ouch! (Winces in sympathy.) Try to forgive yourself. Maybe grind your teeth for a day and then just let it go. My mom recounts her father, my grandfather, as saying, “it’s only money.” $300 is not a trivial sum but you were able to pay it (presumably without code-purple, crisis-level, uproot-all-your-plans financial hardship) and nobody suffered lasting physical harm.

      I try to observe the “threshhold rule” as in do not cross the threshhold of your dwelling without being 200% certain that your house keys are in hand, in pocket, or around your neck.” (Same for closing the car door or trunk lid. Ask me how I learned this. Fun times. Not.) It’s not a perfect method for me, but it significantly reduces the percentage of “Click./Slam. Oh my gawd.” experiences.

      1. anon today and tomorrow*

        I was stressed out this morning about root canal surgery, and I had placed my keys in a different spot than normal after a run last night, so I was just all thrown off when I was trying to get out the door this morning.

        So dental costs + locksmith fee just hurt. But my credit card will survive the charges. I’m more annoyed that it had to happen today of all days!

  59. I'm A Little Teapot*

    It’s my birthday tomorrow, not sure if I’m doing anything. I WANTED to get the garage done this weekend, but given that it poured this morning, is about 95% humidity, and keeps sprinkling on and off, I can’t paint today. And I’m not holding out hope for tomorrow either. I just want to get the darn thing finished, I’ve been working on it since May.

    1. Mimmy*

      Just wishing a fellow 10/7 baby a happy birthday!! Hopefully we’ll get to celebrate with my parents tomorrow night. Today, my supervisor sent me a sweet note via text wishing me a HBD.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Happy birthday you two!!!
          (garage is likely not getting done… forecast is not looking good)

  60. Étudiante*

    It’s almost tomorrow where I am so it’s not bad luck to wish you a very happy birthday!
    Hope the weather pleasantly surprises you tomorrow.

  61. Susan Sto Helit*

    It has been hot in Southern England this month and it’s giving me so much anxiety. Above 20C is not usual for October here. Above all, the knowledge that almost everything I do is contributing to climate change makes me feel so guilty. I’m trying to make the changes that I can and live conscientiously but some things just aren’t possible, especially when driving is a part of my job, and I live in an area with limited public transport.

    I’m trying to tell myself that it’s natural to be worried about these things, I’m doing what I can, and that it’s better to be aware and trying to change than live in ignorance. I know that worrying about it constantly is pretty counter productive. But it’s really hard not to.

    Does anyone have any tips on dealing with anxiety over climate change? And any suggestions for living a more eco-friendly life?

    2. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I can’t help with the anxiety because it’s eating away at me too but among a number of the PF bloggers I read, some are quite environmentally conscious and have great ideas for reducing waste and carbon footprint at an individual level: try Frugasaurus and Tread Lightly, Retire Early. I’m sure there are others but they slip my mind at the moment.

    3. misspiggy*

      What’s helped me is recognising that most environmental waste and carbon release is caused by large and powerful organisations in the pursuit of a quick buck. Political change is going to be the key. Other than letting our representatives know we care, there’s not a lot we as individual consumers/workers can do.

      So yes, we should do what we can as workers, voters and consumers, but we shouldn’t feel personally responsible for anything bigger than that. I’ve started keeping away from news sources, and reading the science threads on Reddit – they tend to share good and bad research news on the environment in a more balanced way.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, exactly this. I do what I can, and then vote.

        We aren’t supposed to get into politics here, but it was a pretty clever trick to pass all the burden of conservation and all the anxiety about climate change onto individuals/consumers when almost 3/4 of all global emissions are caused by just 100 corporations.

      2. Overeducated*

        I agree. The anxiety about this eats me on a near daily basis but I really think it’s a massive collective action problem. I try to do little things,l where I can, remember that infrastructure is not a personal choice (driving is how most of our society HAS to get around), anf for the big stuff, redirect to how i can try to make change. Which is mainly just through donating to campaigns and advocacy orgs at this point (I really like Union of Concerned Scientists foe their work on this front), because there aren’t that many sources of power we can tap into easily.

    4. Woodswoman*

      Check out Drawdown, both a book and a website founded by Paul Hawken and focused on solutions. It’s practical, positive, and inspiring. The website has an excellent feature, 100 Solutions to Reverse Global Warming.

  62. Étudiante*

    Does anyone have tip for stopping hair loss?
    I think it’s due to stress at the place we don’t name on weekends and the seasons changing. I am working on the first one but change tales time. I eat healthy, work out regularly so the basics, I guess, are there.
    I would love to hear some ideas.

    1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Biotin supplements make a huge difference for me in rate of growth and quality/thickness, although it’s kind of expensive for a supplement. I don’t know for sure that it would help combat stress related shedding, but it’d be worth a shot and it’s not one of those supplements you can accidentally overdose on if you happen to be eating a ton of biotin heavy foods.

    2. Not A Manager*

      You might want to get a full blood panel, including thyroid. Hair loss can be a symptom of many imbalances that are pretty easy to remedy.

      2. Yup*

        Also have your ferritin level included. Mine was at 17, which is technically considered within normal range, but with ferritin that low, I was shedding a lot more than usual and was tired all the time. Shedding slowed down once I reached a ferritin level of 50.

    3. Slartibartfast*

      I go through a shedding cycle twice a year, same time as my dog. I pulled a wad of hair out of my head yesterday half the thickness of a pencil.

  63. Best cat in the world*

    I had to say goodbye to the best cat in the world on Monday. I’m completely heartbroken. She had been poorly so I knew it wouldn’t be long but I wasn’t expecting her to deteriorate so quick. She was only young, such a gorgeous, loving little thing. My furry soulmate. My house feels so empty without her beside me.
    Think I’m going to stick with my username now in memory of my sweet little Narla cat.

    3. Ali G*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s awful when we have to say goodbye to our little furry loved ones. Take comfort that she went with love and you did the right thing for her.

    4. Clara Oswald*

      So sorry for your loss. Our beloved little creatures leave big holes in our hearts when they go. Be kind to yourself.

    6. Smarty Boots*

      I’m so sorry Best Cat. It’s so hard to lose them, even when you’ve given them a good life.

    9. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      hug, and echoing the be kind to yourself. There is a piece of your heart gone forever. Our furry family are often the best family members we have.

    11. StudentA*

      Oh, I am so sorry! Please take care of yourself. I’ve been there. It’s the worst! Sounds like she was a very lucky fur baby to have such a loving owner.

      I didn’t think I could love another cat as much I loved the one I lost, but I think I do, now. I didn’t think it could happen. I am so glad it did, because loving animals is vital to me.

    12. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel – I said goodby to my Best Girl (on of her many nicknames) on Monday as well. It was very hard, and I find myself tearing up or full-on crying quite a bit. Give yourself time and space to grieve properly. There was another poster last week under the name Wulfgar who said goodbye to his dog. A kind poster had a link to a piece on grief that I found insightful. I hope your fond memories of the best cat in the world will bring some comfort to you.

    15. Best cat in the world*

      Thank you so much everyone. Animals really are special beings aren’t they?

      And Redshirt, thank you, that made me smile :)

  64. Not So NewReader*

    Insurance claw back.
    So this is a new one on me. I recently heard of a situation where an insurance company decided that a person should have been covered under disability for the last 20 plus years and they have decided to send all the bills they paid to this person. The person has indeed been disabled since then, but the insurance said they would keep the person covered.
    Now they want it back.

    This to me seems a little scary. Has anyone heard of such a thing or does anyone have some random thoughts here?
    Sorry the description is bare bones, but I think you guys understand the reasons.

    1. Rebecca*

      So this person paid premiums to an insurance company, insurance company paid their part of the billing, and now the inusrance company has decided after 20 years that they don’t want to pay, or shouldn’t have paid all the bills for the past 20 years and they want to be reimbursed by the person covered? How is that even legal?

    2. WS*

      Insurance companies try all kinds of ridiculous things to get their money. They rely on scaring people into submission. The person in question can send the bills right back and tell them to go claim them from the government. Whether or not they “should” have been on disability, they were not, and the insurance company has no standing to decide this.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Does this person live in a state with an actively pro-consumer Office of Insurance Relations or some similar title? if not, could this person call his/her elected officials (probably start with state delegates/senators) for help? Or the local Legal Aid society?

      How vile of the insurance company. “Business model” should not include “dream up new ways to gouge financially vulnerable people.”

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Thanks, all.

      My thought was that it sets a precedent we don’t want to see in this country. Most households would be bankrupted by this one.

      I assume Person watches their spending like most of us do, I suggested the State AG as opposed to hiring a private attorney who may or may not be able to help. I will be sure to mention about calling elected officials also.

      I like the idea that the company is trying to see what it can get away with. Kind of reminds me of the times when my parents were in the hospital and hospital accountants followed me through the halls demanding to know when I was going to pay. Of course, I said “never”, my parents had insurance, that would pay. The hospital people thought they could bamboozle me, perhaps get paid twice? I don’t know.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Some local news stations have a “consumer in trouble reporter.” Or do a series where they try to help someone who is in a predicament such as this.

        If the insurance claims were filed truthfully, I that this is their business expense to eat. If nothing else, there is usually a “statute of limitations” on how far back such things can go (even if fraud was involved).

      2. CAA*

        Every state has an Insurance Commissioner or some very similar title. Rather than the AG or a private attorney, that’s really your best place to start, because the commissioner is the one with regulatory authority over insurance sold in that state and they have a way to collect and handle complaints. Visit naic.org. Their main page has a map with links to the commissioner’s office for each of the U.S. states and territories.

        Even if they can’t help for some reason (i.e. if it’s a self-funded employer program rather than an insurance company), they should still be able to tell you who to contact for assistance. The disabled person may end up needing a private attorney, but I agree with you that they should at least find out what government resources are available before going that route.

    5. Autumn Wind*

      If the person became eligible for Medicare as part of being disabled, but opted not to sign up, then the insurance company only has to pay the portion that Medicare wouldn’t have covered. Even if the person opted not to go on Medicare.

      This situation came up for use when my spouse became disabled. At that time, we had really good insurance coverage already and so didn’t want to also pay the Medicare premiums. We just didn’t need that extra coverage. But we were told that if we didn’t take Medicare, our insurance company would still only pay as secondary. Meaning they would calculate what Medicare would have paid and then only cover any remainder.

      In your situation, it’s possible that this person’s insurance company only now figured out that Medicare was an option all along. And so now they are clawing back the portion that Medicare would have paid. No clue about statute of limitations so maybe that’s an angle to use to fight this.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Ahh, good to know. Thank you so much!

        Thank you everyone for your inputs. Collective genius at its finest.

  65. Free Meerkats*

    All three cats to the vet for their annual visit. The 8-yo littermate sisters are great, the food hound gained half a pound, the other lost about a quarter pound. They have fresh rabies shots and good to go.

    The old guy, 18, not so much. He’s lost over a pound and a quarter from his 10 1/2 pound weight last year. Apparent arthritis in his hips, elbows, and lower spine. And he’s been mostly off his feed for the last week. The good news, his BP is under good control. Waiting for labs to check out his liver, kidney, and thyroid functions. I’ll pick up the pain meds for him Monday.

    It’s not good, but expected. Time to fire up WoW and de-stress a bit.

    1. atexit8*

      Lil BUB the internet cat recommends CBD oil and is a spokescat for a particular USA-made CBD oil company.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I’ve put my 18 yo cat on CBD, and it has made a significant difference for her movement. It was suggested that I look into it, and I did a ton of research online. There’s a lot of “woo” out there about it, but when you comb through all of it I think it’s acting as an anti-inflammatory and possibly pain med. I didn’t see any side effects either, and my vet gave the ok to try it.

        My cat has had significant easing in her movements, and she’s much more active when awake. She’s still 18, so sleeps all the time, etc but is coming downstairs a LOT more than she has been. Long term habits/routines which had been dropped because of pain have been starting up again. I don’t expect perfection, but she was in constant pain and has had significant relief.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Hmmm. I never thought of CBD for my cat. One of my, my old guy, has trouble jumping up nowadays. He generally latches on the couch and pulls himself up. Maybe I’ll try CBD.

          1. I'm A Little Teapot*

            I am very skeptical, and there simply aren’t publicly available studies. So I wasn’t expecting much. Now, I wish I’d tried it years ago. And given what my vet said, there doesn’t seem to be harm in trying it, even if it doesn’t work.
            she also gets Cosequin, and will continue getting it. She needs all the help she can get with her joints!

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My vet prescribed gabapentin for my arthritic girl, and it did seem to help. I also gave her cosequin twice a day (sprinkled on her food). She did a course of blue light treatment too but it didn’t seem to help, although the vet said she’d seen improvement in other cats (it’s non-invasive laser treatment, no pain to the animal except the humiliation of wearing goggles). Best of luck with your senior!

    3. Free Meerkats*

      Got a call from the vet, one high kidney failure indicator high, but the rest of them normal – that wasn’t unexpected, we’ve been treating him for kidney failure for two years. He also has low blood protein, probably because of the kidney disease.

      All other tests normal. We’ll see how he does on the gabapentin. If that doesn’t help much, we’ll discuss CBD with our vet. Since I’m in Washington, it’s legal here.

      1. MsCende*

        I recommend CanaCompanion. It was developed by a couple of vets (one a research vet) based on as much information they could get their hands on or discover, and it’s specifically low-THC.

        Disclaimer : I’ve used the product for a couple of my old girls, and the practicing vet was their preferred vet until she retired, so I’ve seen some of the research they used. I have no association with the company otherwise.

  66. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

    I’ve just seen the trailer for Good Omens on Prime and I’m SOOOOOOOO excited about watching it. David Tennant and Michael Sheen are two of my favourite actors, they used a song from my wedding in the trailer (just a personal added bonus), and it’s an adaptation from a book by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman! It’s ticking all the boxes. I just hope it lives up to the hype… Although, if they can fit in the famine with seven letters gag, I’ll be more than happy.

    (Oh, and it has Jon Hamm as Gabriel – a character not in the book, but retconned in by Gaiman from work that he and Sir Pterry decided to cut from the published work – so yay!)

    1. anon today and tomorrow*

      I was skeptical of the casting when it was first announced, and I was still skeptical at the start of the trailer (I think because I’ve read the book so many times that I had my own version of the characters in mind), but I’m cautiously optimistic. I like David Tennant, but I also sometimes find him distracting to watch.

      I hope the next trailers show some of the other characters, too. Anathema was one of my favs from the book. Also I can’t wait to see if their version of Death translates from book to screen because Death is also great character. I did like the quick glimpse we got of what I assume is Dog!

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m not keen on Tennant’s long hair, it doesn’t fit my mental image of Crowley, but I’m super excited anyway! Michael Sheen seems great, super fussy. Mark Gatiss will also be in it, in a character also not in the book. I think it’ll be on bbc after Amazon Prime, which is great, since I haven’t got a prime subscription.

    3. Claire (Scotland)*

      I’m so excited! Good Omens has been a favourite book of mine since I was 17 and met Terry Pratchett for the first time (I bought it to get signed as it was the only book of his I didn’t already own). Loved the teaser trailer, loved the NYCC poster and all the promo stuff they had, can’t wait for the show to come out.

    4. Book Lover*

      I don’t think it will be at all like what I have in my head, but I hope I still love it dearly.

    6. Pam.*

      Yes, really looking forward to it. I don’t mentally cast characters, but the choices look good to me.

  67. Tara R.*

    Seasonal depression. How do y’all cope? I live in Vancouver, B.C., where it’s rainy and grey and dreary from September to April. I’m taking vitamin D, and I have a lamp but I really struggle with making myself use it (mornings are the absolute WORST for me and sometimes even flipping the switch feels like too much effort). Any other advice on getting by?

    I feel like September/October is often the worst because I can still remember what summer felt like, and how I wasn’t exhausted and miserable and 90% of the time.

    1. NewJobWendy*

      I go outside whenever it’s sunny, regardless of how cold it is. That’s probably not helpful for Vancouver, though. (I am east coast, where it is cold but often sunny). I also have a light on a timer that comes on about 5 minutes before my alarm so I don’t wake up in the dark: I personally find that helpful. It’s not the special sun lamp but it does overcome the need to flip a switch manually – you can find outlet timers that would turn you lamp on and off for you. A co-worker of mine has her lamp at work.

      Spend as much time with friends as you can? Social connections can really lift you mood, and I know that is HARD when you’re depressed, but if you alert your friends maybe they can help. They can pick you up, for example, so you are forced to go out or they can come over to your house instead of having to go out.

      Have you been evaluated by a mental health professional? I have friends who take medication for seasonal depression to get them through the worst of it.

    2. Ali G*

      I have a sun light alarm clock that helps me immensely. My hardest thing is getting out of bed. I set the alarm and it gradually lights up for 30 min until the time I want to get up. Then I stay in bed for 15 min after that with the light on me (I usually read) and then get up. This is literally the only way I can get out of bed.
      Also you might try seeing your doctor. You can get RX strength Vitamin D that may help as well.

    3. Lady Kelvin*

      I realize that this probably isn’t a solution for everyone, but I moved to Hawaii. Cured my seasonal depression instantly. However, while I was living in cold dreary places, I also took trips to sunny warm places in Jan/Feb so that once the holidays were over I had something to look forward too. A weekend where it was warm helped me survive the rest of winter enormously. Otherwise, honestly, I was miserable (hence the drastic move). Talk to your doctor, they might be able to prescribe something that helps that you only take for the winter.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My doc says that most adults can use around 5000 IU per day of vitamin D. So you might want to check your dosage.
      You might want to look into some vitamin B also. If a person has a slow heart rate they will say things like you are saying here, it’s this sense of dragging one’s self through the day and the next day is just too hard. Not a doc, but you can check with a doc if this makes sense to you.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Some people now recommend 5x the current standard dose of Vitamin D, and Vit D isn’t one of the ones you can overdose on (like Vit A) so you could try that too. I take Vit D oil drops in winter.

        1. Book Lover*

          You absolutely can overdose on vitamins D. You have to take mass quantities, but it can cause hypercalcemia and is one of the standard hints we check for when calcium is too high.

            1. Cristina in England*

              About how much is overdose material for Vit D? The high dose ones are about 5x the current standard.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Part of it over the years is just kind of leaning into it. I make fewer commitments, I enjoy watching more TV, I don’t leave the house after dark if I can help it, I take baths, I eat more pasta, I go to bed as early as I can… I try to see it as part of the rhythm of my life, a message from my brain and body to be gentle to myself and take it easy. When I was working, I’d come home from work and put on pajamas and sit on the couch and eat popcorn for dinner and REALLY MEAN IT — it’s hard to explain, but it makes a huge difference to my mental state if I make those choices consciously as self care rather than just slipping into them and beating myself up about it. “All I did after work was sit on the couch and watch World’s Most Extraordinary Homes AGAIN, ugh, I’m so lazy and useless” is very different mentally and emotionally for me than, “Ah, what a nice relaxed evening it’s been so far all cozy on my couch! I sure do love World’s Most Extraordinary Homes! Maybe I’ll fold a bit of laundry after I pop some popcorn for dinner.”

      I also exercise (as quickly and intensely as possible to get it over with), and eat vegetables, and take a B-complex and a good multivitamin, and drink plenty of water and not too much alcohol. And I implement a strict no-screens-after-9 rule because it helps me sleep better.

      Good luck!

    6. Boba*

      really late, but what helps for me:
      – get outside during the day as much as you can, particularly in the morning. Try to spend extra time out on bright days (sunny or just bright grey) and if possible do some sort of exercise outside (even just a brisk 15 minute walk helps)
      – D, iron, and B vitamins seem to be my trifecta of Making Things Better
      – if your bedroom faces anywhere you’ll get any sliver of morning light and it’s at all feasible to sleep with no more than sheers/a crack in the curtains so you get the natural lightening of the sky it _really_ helps wake up

    1. Ruffingit*

      BEST: House sitting so getting some seriously quiet time since my house is usually filled with dogs and people and noise :)

      WORST: Feeling some burn out and need some extra sleep and some time off. Not going to happen anytime soon though.

    2. Elizabeth W.*

      BEST: My tomatoes are having an extinction burst of fruit before the autumn weather changes. I didn’t get as many this year as last year because we had a ton of rain after a really hot spell and they sort of collapsed. I’ve frozen a bunch of them whole so I can have heirloom tomato soup in the winter.

      My garage sale didn’t net as much as I’d hoped. But I did get one of those platform bed frames and put a mattress I got from a friend for cheap on it. NO MORE FUTON! No more lying so close to the floor! No more back pain! Plus, it takes up less space. I will never have a futon again!

      It’s high enough to shove stuff underneath. It still looks like a bed but will do until I can afford a nice sofa-like daybed frame. Here’s a pic: https://i.imgur.com/RP3cOpI.jpg. That’s my TV-watching pillow in the middle, LOL.

      WORST: Kavanope. >:(

      1. The Other Dawn*

        My tomatoes are doing the same thing! I planted heirlooms from seed for the first time this year, directly into the garden. They grew huge and had blossoms, but none of them started growing actual tomatoes until a couple weeks ago. I don’t know if that’s normal or not. I didn’t think I started them late–I planted them as soon as it was warm enough outside. It took them quite awhile to germinate so many that’s the issue??

        1. Elizabeth W.*

          I don’t know–I didn’t start mine from seed. I bought plants at Walmart, of all places, and grew them in pots. I got German Queen (red), Golden Jubilee (yellow) and Cherokee Purple. Those last ones are the tastiest tomatoes evaaaaaarr. I plan to save some of the CP seeds; even if I move to an apartment, I can still grow a plant or two in pots.

          I really think it was the weather. Last year was hotter for longer. I discovered that watering them EVERY day and feeding once a week (I just used Miracle Gro) gave me mad production. I don’t know if you have to do heirlooms differently; that also may be part of it. Last year’s crop were just regular old tomatoes. When I went to my mum’s for the eclipse, I made a little bathtub for the pots and filled it with water and they were fine while I was gone. But it was mega hot with no big dump of rain in the middle of the season.

        2. Extra Vitamins*

          Heirlooms have an optimal temperature range for setting fruit. If it is too hot, they will have flowers and grow lots of leaves, but the fruit won’t form. If you know the variety, you can look up the temperatures on various gardening sites, as some have been bred for different conditions. All the ones I’ve planted stop producing somewhere around 85F (sustained daytime temp). And then I’m up to my eyeballs in tomatoes in the fall.

  69. NewJobWendy*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread, but you can post it on the Friday open thread if you’d like!

  70. Erika22*

    Does anyone have experience with taking CBD oil, specifically for anxiety and/or depression? I’ve been curious about trying it for a while now, and I’ve been seeing mixed reviews online. Also I’m UK-based, and while there’s a kind being sold in Holland & Barrett with some great reviews, there are other reviews saying because it’s CBD from hemp the actual concentration of CBD itself is so low it would have negligible effect on whatever you’re using it for (and I don’t want to drop money on what’s effectively a placebo). Anyone have advice or a brand they can recommend?

    1. WS*

      It’s not legal in the UK at the concentrations needed to be effective in the majority of people. However, some people are particularly sensitive to CBD oil, so that small group of people may see some benefits. (I’m in Australia and the situation is exactly the same here.)

    2. rear mech*

      This podcast gives some scientific background to the CBD oil. One thing that jumped out at me is that tests of popular and well-regarded CBD oil products in the US showed that many contained little or no actual CBD oil. Also there is not really enough research to say whether it helps people beyond the placebo effect, or if it might even have negative effects on people with certain health issues. http://www.maximumfun.org/sawbones/sawbones-cbd-oil

    3. misspiggy*

      I take it: it’s helpful for physical pain but has no effect on mental issues, as far as I and others I know can tell. If you’re OK to take St John’s Wort (ie not taking the Pill or other medications it conflicts with), the high strength version from Boots has worked much better than other brands.

    4. Tris Prior*

      It hasn’t done jack for me so far, though I’ve only been using it for a week or so (and now that I think of it, I’ve missed a dose or two, which is probably part of the problem, haha!).

  71. Ali G*

    I posted a few weeks ago asking if anyone had done a skin/makeup consultation at a store like Sephora before. Today I had an appointment at an Ulta Beauty and it was great! I had a 20 min facial and ended up with a trial pack of four items to try out (cleanser, mist, moisturizer and serum), and a full face of makeup recommendations. They were not pushy at all and wrote down all the products they used and let me choose what I wanted to buy. Also, they didn’t have one of the products in stock so ordered it for me and sent it to my house with no shipping!
    Overall, I would recommend.

    1. CAA*

      Cool! I’ve been getting my hair cut at Ulta since my previous stylist moved away, and I really like them too. If you haven’t signed up for their rewards program, make sure to do that. I don’t buy much other than shampoo, conditioner and haircuts, but it’s still nice to save a few bucks by redeeming points.

  72. atexit8*

    People have no second thoughts about wasting your time.

    I am using the Letgo app to sell a used Vtech toy.
    A woman agrees to meet me at 9 am at the local post office.
    I arrive her and messaged her through the app that I am there.
    She responds that she had set our meeting for 9 pm in her calendar and that she just woke up.

    She tells me that her son’s birthday was tomorrow and that she would pay me an extra $15 to deliver the toy to her.

    So I am going to waste more time going to another place so that I can be fooled a second time?!?!

    I offered to meet her at 12 noon, but I can tell from the app, she hadn’t bothered to read the message after I told her no delivery.

    And here I thought I was going to throw in an extra set of Duracell batteries to be “nice”.

    1. Rebecca*

      And this is why I loathe selling anything on our local sell and swap sites. I’ve been stood up more than once. Or at the last minute, Oh, I have to go here or there, can we do it Wednesday at noon? Uh, No, there’s a reason I said Evenings and Weekends only (I work!!). I don’t know how the app works, but any more, when this happens to me on the sell and swap Facebook page, I repost the item or go to the next person in line. Good luck!

      1. A bit of a saga*

        I’ve become a lot harsher with people. I don’t go anywhere to meet them unless I’m there anyway (so for instance I ask people to come to my office building and let me know when there rather than meet them at the metro 3 minutes away. Much less disruption if they don’t turn up). And yes, if people seem sketch I move right on to the next person. It still takes some time but I do manage to sell a lot without too much hassle (where I live it’s all Facebook groups)

        1. atexit8*

          The post office was near where I was going to be so it wasn’t too far out of the way, but I was p*ssed.

          .

      2. atexit8*

        There haven’t much interest in this toy, so I was happy to be able to sell it.
        I may end up giving it to a non-profit that helps homeless families.

    2. Triplestep*

      I’m lucky to live near a block and a half from a pharmacy that is weirdly located on a busy, but otherwise residential street. I just tell people to call me when they get there and then I walk down and meet them.

      The flip side of this story is that when I was selling furniture, I needed to tell people my location to come see it. I had a cabinet on my back porch and someone came to my house, messaged me, didn’t wait for me to answer and came on to my property to look at it. I was busy with someone who was buying a piece inside my house. Later the cabinet person messaged and “it’s too big; I saw it while you were inside” and I was totally skeeved out! I asked “you came on to my property without telling me you were here and you knew I was home?” And she lol’d at me for having a problem with that. She said “it must be generational”. We were communicating via FB messenger, and I could tell she was at least my age (fifties) if not older. I said I didn’t think so because my kids wouldn’t poke around on a stranger’s property unbeknownst to them while they were in the house either. Yeesh!

      1. atexit8*

        She was trespassing, so yeah, I would have a problem with that.

        We have now been non-friends with our neighbors due to their children not knowing boundaries when it comes to other people’s properties.

        .

  73. Nervous Accountant*

    So a funny thing happened this week.

    i follow a lot of fan accounts on social media for my favorite singer. A few days ago one of the accounts messaged me saying “thanks for following, I really appreciate it. I want to give you free tickets to my next show, and maybe we can meet for dinner before the show next time im there.”

    YALL I WAS DYINGGGGG. I knew it was fake obviously but i SOOO wanted it to be real LOL.

    Anyway, so after a quick back and forth where the person told me to block the singers’ *real* SM account b/c it was hacked, I blocked and reported that profile.

    I told others’ about it, and some said I need to call the police, they’re dangerous/scammers etc. I joked back that if it’s the real person, maybe I can get a cool million out of them lol (obviously joking here). I guess I’m not taking it too seriously b/c I din’t do any of that.

    Not really questioning here, just curious as to how this stuff even happens

    1. Elizabeth W.*

      I get Prince Harry following me all over the damn internet. I know it’s not real because he doesn’t have a social media account of his own, let alone one under the name Prince Harry. They do it because people fall for it and then they can scam them further.

      But it’s so nice to think about. When JK Rowling liked my reply to her tweet on election night, I nearly died. If she had replied, I’d be dead, haha. Wouldn’t it be cool if your fave slid into your DMs for real? :)

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        When I was new to Twitter, I posted a picture of my daughter wearing a homemade circlet, reading a YA medeival-ish fantasy novel by HerFavoriteAuthor. I tagged HerFavoriteAuthor, honestly not realizing that the author would see it… She not only saw it, she retweeted it…and my daughter was over the moon with excitement.

        Stranger things have happened in fandom. I love stories of unexpected meetings!

    3. Woodswoman*

      If you want a good laugh, British comedian James Veitch intentionally had an extended exchange with a scammer and did a TED talk about it that’s hilarious. It’s called “This is what happens when you reply to spam email.”

      1. Apollo Warbucks*

        I saw his show at the Edinburgh fringe it was awesome.

        His other comedy is good too, he punks his room mates with a bunch of rubber ducks.

    4. Forking great username*

      I feel like how it happens is pretty obvious? People freak out, as you did, and want to believe that it’s real. So they let themself get suckered into believing that they’re actually talking to a celebrity. And scammers/catfishers know that! So it’s a pretty common technique for that reason. But no, definitely not worth the time of the police.

  74. Nervous Accountant*

    I went ot the gym tonight, finally. I didn’t do a lot but it was empty and I was on the bike and had my music and it felt great. Looks like I found my Saturday night activity!

  75. Trixie*

    Adult braces, debating hardware vs Invisalign or something similar. I need a slight adjustment for overlap that doesn’t really require significant straightening so the retainer route is attractive. Good part, my local dentist offers alternative to Invisalign which is more cost effective. Bad part, most likely not covered by my insurance because out of network. I can track down dentist in my network but chances are even with insurance it will be more expensive than what my dentist offers.
    Now I’m wondering if hardware is better way to go if faster and cheaper. Ultimately, I think the bigger part is wearing retainer to maintain results.

    1. Trixie*

      Also, wearing retainer while at work. Curious how difficult it would be talk with. It’s lower teeth if that makes a difference.

      1. Enough*

        It should not take too long to get used to so talking shouldn’t be a problem. My daughter had regular hardware braces in elementary/middle school and then Invisalign for a very short period (both top and bottom) in college because things shifted a bit. Seems to have worked out well. To me hardware is for the heavy duty orthodontist where lots of teeth need shifting over an extended period and works best when the jaw is still growing.

    2. Invisalign user*

      Whatever you decide, don’t do invisalign without checking with your dentist as to how much experience he has — how many invisalign patients has he had, was he happy with the results, etc. Also, I had an allergic reaction to invisalign, so if you are an allergy-prone person or have sensitive skin, that is something to consider. My reaction wasn’t anything life-threatening, but it was unpleasant and unnerving. Ultimately the company made mine with a different type of “hypoallergenic” plastic, but my dentist had to really advocate for me. So make sure you have a dentist you trust wholeheartedly!
      If I could do it again, I’d go with the hardware and an orthodontist instead. What people don’t tell you is that invisalign trays come with very rough edges that can be very hard on your tongue and the inside of your mouth. I’ve had multiple revisions because of one stubborn tooth that wouldn’t quite cooperate.

    3. CAA*

      I am doing Invisalign now (I’m on tray 13 of 18, two weeks per tray). I also had traditional braces when I was a teenager, but I stopped wearing my retainers after a few years and my teeth moved over time. The main reason I started Invisalign was because the alignment had gotten bad enough that I had some pain when chewing.

      Having done both, I can say that for me, Invisalign is much less painful and much less noticeable than the hardware was. There are sharp edges on some trays, and occasionally they pinch the inside of my lip or cheek, but you can file them with an emery board to smooth them off and I haven’t had anything like the tearing and irritation I had with traditional braces. Even the amount of aching in my teeth is less. Both types affected my speech for a couple of days until I got used to them, but it’s not noticeable after that.

      The main thing with whichever choice you make is to commit to wearing your retainers for the rest of your life. You’ll have to wear them round-the-clock for 6 months after your treatment and then every night after that. If you don’t think you’ll really stick to that, you’re wasting money to do either type of straightening.

      1. Amtelope*

        I really don’t think it’s true that you’re wasting money to straighten your teeth if you’re not going to wear a retainer for the rest of your life. Most people who have braces don’t wear retainers forever. That may result in some slight shifting of their teeth, and I am sure that orthodontists would tell you that you should wear the retainer for the rest of your life, but I have never actually met anyone, ever, who’s done that. It’s not a particularly realistic expectation.

    5. dumblewald*

      I’m doing the Invisalign treatment. I’m currently on my second to last tray (my treatment is 10 months.) It is expensive, though costs are directly related to how long your treatment is. My total cost was $5000 for the 10 months, and I paid in monthly installments of $350. I have a friend whose treatment was only 2 months.

      I found that the most challenging part of the treatment was the first couple of months – it was slightly painful, I had to get used to the routine of taking out my trays before eating and cleaning them in retainer solution twice a day, and I had a slight lisp in the beginning. However, 4 months in I got completely used to it. The pain went down significantly and I lost the lisp.

    6. Le'veon Bell is Seizing the Means of Production*

      If you’re a candidate for Invisalign, you might also be a candidate for SmileClubDirect, which would at least be cheaper!

  76. Chaordic One*

    Is anyone else excited and waiting for the start of the new season of “Dr. Who” on Sunday on BBC America?

    Or am I the only one?

    I’m really looking forward to the new doctor, myself.

    1. Elizabeth W.*

      I’m very excited too! I can’t wait for Jodie–I loved her in Broadchurch and I’m very interested to see what they do with her. :D
      I won’t see it until Monday; my fan group is having a watch party. I’ll have to buy the season on Amazon, as I don’t have cable.

      1. Enough*

        I actually wasn’t that enamoured with the Broadchurch role but am interested in seeing how Dr. Who as a woman especially as my viewing goes back to the Tom Baker days.

        1. Marguerite*

          I agree with her Broadchurch role, but I saw her on Graham Norton, and she was lovely and absolutely hilarious! I’ll admit that I’ve only watch a couple of episodes of Dr. Who, but after the previews, I might have to start watching!

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      Hell, yes!

      I always look forward to a new season of Who and I’m loving the vibe of Jodie – she seems just the right kind of mad for the role. My excitement was doubled when I saw the clip from the first episode the BBC released a few days ago. I’m not sure about her accent but I know I’ll get used to it soon enough.

      I really hope they have a scene where the Doctor tries to put something in her pocket only to discover that the pocket is fake.

    3. Melody Pond*

      Ahhh, I’m so super freaking excited! I’m in the crowd that will probably have to wait until Monday night to watch it, though – no cable, will probably buy the season on iTunes. :)

    4. Lcsa99*

      My husband and I dvr’d it so we could watch together. Only about 15 minutes in and I am loving it so far. If the rest of the season is this weird and fun its gonna be great.

    5. Undine*

      I’ve been catching up, watching episodes I missed before. I’ve paid for it on Amazon (no cable) — the first time I’ve paid for Dr. Who. Usually I wait a year. Alas, there will never be an episode where this Dr. Who meets Sara Jane Smith…

  77. Stan Lee (not the famous one)*

    Question about karma here.

    New York Comic Con is this weekend. Some convention exclusives are so limited and in so much demand that you have to win the right to buy one via a lottery. I won a lottery to buy one specific Funko Pop. I didn’t want the figure so I posted an offer to sell on one of the Facebook groups I belong to. I accepted an offer for $75. The buyer didn’t have a ticket to the con so we would have to meet outside the venue to complete the transaction.

    After I bought my Pop, people were offering to buy it from me for $100. I told them I already had a buyer. So this means I get karma points for keeping my word and honoring the deal, right? Because I could have taken the $100 and ghosted the original buyer, or lied and told him the Pops were all sold out before I got to the front of the line.

    Here’s where the karma question comes in.

    If I knew that I could get away with it, I would have taken one of the $100 offers. But I was afraid that other people who also won the right to buy this specific Pop might share their experiences to the group. If they did, Buyer might have put two and two together and realized I ghosted him, and I didn’t want to deal with any possible ramifications that might arise. That’s why I kept my word. (Just to clear up any possible misunderstanding, Buyer did not pay in advance so if I did ghost him he would not have lost any money.)

    In your opinion, did I lose whatever karma points I might have earned by honoring my part of the deal, because my motivation for doing so was not completely pure?

    1. Elizabeth W.*

      No, you did the right thing. It’s not a points system, and rarely is anything that black and white. So you’re fine; don’t worry about it.

    2. misspiggy*

      No. Doesn’t religion work entirely on the basis that most of us only do the right thing when likely to be held to account? Therefore karma recognises that, therefore you’re in the clear!

    3. StudentA*

      In a perfect world, our good deeds would be rooted in 100% pure, virtuous intentions. But the world does not work that way. Not to say that all our deeds are selfish, but I believe that self-interest is a component of many of our virtuous deeds. You can do something nice both because it suits your values and your self-interest. Yes, some solely or mostly concern themselves with the latter, but for the welfare of society, I am not sure it matters. As Elizabeth said, it’s not black and white. It’s not a tangible thing that we measure. So it’s not something we can identify with certainty, anyway.

      You did the right thing. I am sure the buyer appreciates it. I’m not sure I am in a position to answer a question about karma. I wish I did, because I think about these things all the time! So I am just as curious as you what others think!

    4. WS*

      If you’re always thinking about karma points, nothing you do is “completely pure”! You did the right thing by honouring your deal and maintaining your community, be proud of that.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      In the second paragraph, I was thinking “It’s not karma points so much as maintaining the social fabric by keeping our word.” And that then came into play in your third paragraph, where you are carrying out these actions in public view and concerned with public reputation. As a practical matter, I’d rather live surrounded by people who are performing good actions in hopes of reward, rather than bad actions in a deeply sincere manner.

      If you were a character on The Good Place, then like Tahani doing the right thing because of other people’s views you would have lost all your karma points. But part of the point of TGP is how deeply forked up the karma point system is.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Also, now you know that if this happens next Con, the thing to do is sell your merch on the floor–higher profit and lower time/bother investment.

    6. Grapey*

      I don’t believe in karma, but if you spend every transaction going “oh I could have made an extra $25 from screwing someone over” you’ll get yourself in a negative, penny pinching headspace.

      I’ve been in your exact shoes and I just pick a price I would be happy to get matched. Once, someone messaged me after a purchase and said “you could have got 3X for this!” like they cheated me..(I just wanted it sold – I know what price I picked!) and people like that just sound unhappy about money and I’m grateful I’m not them.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      We never know who is watching us, admiring us, faulting us or whatever. It’s wise to keep our interactions transparent. We earn people’s respect when we do and the more often we do it the more apt people are to notice.

      It might take 29 years for this particular good action to come back to you. Or it might come back tomorrow. We attract what we put out there, birds of a feather and all that. If we want to be surrounded by good people who we are proud to call friends, step one is to be a good person ourselves. We should try to be as fair as possible as often as possible.

  78. Elizabeth W.*

    Ugh, I have a cyst or something on my finger, on the first knuckle. It’s the same finger Pig nearly destroyed the day she died, when she bit me. My doctor thought it was a ganglion cyst. It’s red, it’s getting bigger, and the finger is achy, so I made an appointment to go back Monday and have someone do something. Maybe they can drain it so it’s not so gross. I hope it’s not infected. The finger has never been the same since the bite. It’s still somewhat stiff and sometimes gets sore. I wonder if I ended up with something nasty in there (but x-rays at the hospital were clear). I know draining it won’t get rid of it–you have to remove the cyst capsule–but that’s all I can afford right now.

    1. ..Kat..*

      Well, bacteria don’t show up on an xray, so it could be from the cat bite.

      Is it warm/hot to the touch? Compare it to the same finger on your other hand. If yes, this is a positive sign for infection. If you get red streaks going up your arm (along the veins), go to the ER. This is an infection emergency.

      I hope it is nothing serious.

      1. Elizabeth W.*

        No, and the bite was two years ago. I was thinking some chronic thing, maybe. But I looked it up and ganglion cysts can form on joints where there was trauma, so that might be why.

    2. WS*

      Even if it is a ganglion cyst and harmless in itself, if you are unlucky enough to have one in a bad location they can cause problems. I had one that was pressing on one of the two main arteries into my hand so I had to have it surgically removed. They’re not usually red, though, so it’s good that you’re getting it investigated. If you think there might be a bacterial infection, the doctor can do a biopsy and send it off for analysis, but it’s more likely they’ll just give you antibiotics.

  79. StudentA*

    What is your favorite and least favorite fruit? Vegetable?

    Here are mine:

    Fruit
    Favorite: Honeydew Melon
    Least Favorite: Fig, Coconut

    Vegetable
    Favorite: Spinach
    Least Favorite: Zuchini, okra

    1. StellaBella*

      Fave Fruit… Peaches and cherries; least… Papaya
      Fave veg…avocado, least…mushrooms

    2. Étudiante*

      Favorite fruit: mango
      Least favorite: I haven’t tasted a fruit I didn’t like but I’m not a huge fan of the taste of bananas. Yet I eat them often because they require no preparation.

      Favorite vegetable: tomatoes from my gran’s garden
      Least favorite: pumpkin (I know it’s botanically a fruit but we are talking gastronomy here)

    3. Jemima Bond*

      Fruit:
      Favourite: blackcurrants, damsons (with prep. If you’re talking something just to eat as it is; raspberries or plums/apricots)

      Least favourite: Melon in all its diabolical forms. Along with aniseed, it’s the only food flavour I really can’t bear – not the texture or the idea or “I just don’t care for it” but the pure taste just makes me heave.

      Vegetable:
      Favourite: Sweetcorn, green (haricot) beans, sprouts. Brussels sprouts are heavily maligned but I think just lightly boiled and still firm they are delicious. Justice for sprouts!

      Least favourite: Okra – it’s officially described as “mucilaginous”! Who wants to eat something that resembled mucus?! Barf. Also pumpkin and all the squash family. Too sweet with that nasty soggy mushy blandness. Sweet potato can also GTFO. I don’t want my potatoes to be sweet.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Seconded on melons and anise. Heave. Though oddly I can deal with fennel seed in certain things.

        Favourite fruit: pineapple or cherries.
        Least favourite: melons, blackcurrant.

        Favourite vegetable: asparagus, though squash in all its forms are a close second.
        Least favourite: cucumber. Barf. I can’t stand to eat it and will actually pick it out of salads at restaurants. Though strangely I like pickles.

    4. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Fruit
      Favorite: Watermelon! I could eat it all day every day. Also blueberries and avocado.
      Least Favorite: Most of the rest of them. I don’t particularly dislike the flavor anything, but I get tired of eating sweet things very quickly.

      Vegetable
      Favorite: All of them? Vegetables are great.
      Least Favorite: Cilantro, if that counts as a vegetable. I don’t adore eggplant, but I don’t actively avoid eating it or anything.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Favorite fruit: Peaches, local and in season
      Unfav fruit: Soft apples

      Favorite veg: Tomatoes, local and in season.
      Unfav fruit: Okra. Though I’ve had quite good okra at an afghani place and would order it again, everywhere else it’s just slime.

    6. Elizabeth W.*

      Fruit
      Favorite: Cherries and mangoes. During cherry season, I buy bag after bag and eat the crap out of them. :) I wish mangoes had a smaller pit.
      Least favorite: Honeydew melon. Bleah. I love cantaloupe and watermelon, however.

      Vegetable
      Favorite: Spinach and spaghetti squash. I also like watercress in salads. I used to hate sweet potatoes, but now I love them. And carrots (cooked, preferably steamed). With butter and brown sugar, or butter and lemon. Mmmm.
      Least favorite: Brussels sprouts and cauliflower. I like broccoli but I can’t eat it. :(

    7. Claire (Scotland)*

      Fruit

      Favourite: peaches, pears, apples, strawberries, pineapple
      Least favourite: melon, raspberries

      Veggies

      Favourite: aubergine, spinach, tomatoes, courgette, butternut squash, sweet potato, bell peppers
      Least favourite: Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, onion, lettuce

    8. wingmaster*

      Fruit
      Favorite: Mango and dragon fruit
      Least Favorite: Fig

      Vegetable
      Favorite: Bok choy, kale
      Least Favorite: brussel sprouts, cauliflower

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      Fruit: coconut, mango, cherries are my fave. Least fave is dragonfruit. It sounds like it should be delicious but it’s weird seedy mushy grossness.

      Veg: fave is peas, in any form. Least fave is eggplant, celery, asparagus. Gross.

    10. Kristen*

      Fruit
      Favorite: Strawberries
      Least Favorite: Cherries, grapefruit

      Vegetable
      Favorite: Green beans
      Least Favorite: Cauliflower

    11. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Funny how it’s really easier for me to answer the fruit question than the vegetable one.
      Favorite fruits are watermelon, passion fruit and avocado, and least favorite is banana by super far (I absolutely despise them: taste and texture make me sick)
      I like almost every vegetable as long as it’s cooked well (or raw if it can be eaten raw). For favorites I’ll probably vote zucchinis and carrots… but not the biggest fan of aubergine (is that the word in English for the veggie or just the color? I don’t remember) or artichoke.

    12. Bluebell*

      This feels like one of Dopameanie’s Fight Me! Questions. :)
      I’m not sure if there is one right answer for favorite fruit, though mine would be cherries and watermelon and I don’t have a least favorite fruit. My favorite veggies are spinach, mushrooms and carrots, but EVERY one knows that okra is not really a food but just torture for your mouth. How can a food be slimy, hairy and crunchy all at once?

  80. Anonymous Ampersand*

    My kid has been away on a scouting-related (one of the younger groups) camping weekend for nearly 24 hours. First time he’s had a night away from both parents and he’s only (number below 10). Seen him on some pics on Facebook. It all feels REALLY WEIRD. Usually he’s with his dad when he’s not with me (or at school obviously).

    6 hours till he’s home……

        1. Anonymous Ampersand*

          He had a great time and reportedly didn’t think of me at all. Which is great… yet slightly insulting ;)

    2. Enough*

      It can seem a little weird when they first do something without a parent. For me it wasn’t the scouting weekend at 9 it was the first soccer game that neither of us could get to. Son was 13 or 14 and we had to send him off with the coach for the first game of the tournament when my husband’s car had broken down and I had to go 2 hrs in the opposite direction to pick him up. We did get there in time for game 2.

    3. Le'veon Bell is Seizing the Means of Production*

      It must be so weird! I’m not a parent but fwiw, I was one of those free-range kids and feel the current parental trends of requiring an unshakeable chain of custody where kids aren’t as free to sort of explore the world and have un-managed experiences is a bit much.

      I imagine it must be really difficult because as a parent, of course you would want to ensure the safety of the kid first and foremost, and over time there’s only going to be *more* ways and opportunities to do that, so it seems a totally natural progression, but still. Some of my favorite memories as a kid (certainly younger than 10) are exploring my neighborhood, walking down to various stores alone or with a sister, and just sort of having autonomy from my parents! If nothing else, try to think of this as valuable time for your kiddo to feel that autonomy (in a still pretty safe and controlled environment). Maybe that will help with the anxiety?

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Lately kids from the estate who I don’t really know have started to call for him so he’s been out to play on the street. Which, terrifying, but also all the stuff you said so I’ve been going with it as best I can (he’s staying within sight though).

        It was largely the fact he’s never had a night away that was the scary part, he’s always refused sleepovers with both friends and family (although friends of his have slept here). But he seems to have been fine. I’m so proud of him. I feel we both grew ;)

  81. StudentA*

    In the past week, I read a book and found myself barely able to remember who was who and to keep track of the events. I didn’t have an issue with the book. I thought it was a good read. But it made me wonder–would I have wanted a timeline and a list of characters, separate from the story (like in the beginning or end of the book). I started googling this, and didn’t find a whole lot online. Is it so unusual to be this confused? One of the opinions I did find was that including these references threw some people off, even went as far as to say that it could be insulting to the reader. As in, “We can read–we don’t need a separate list of characters” or “Your book is not complicated enough to warrant this.”

    Any opinions?

    1. Bhean Sidhe*

      I think if an author can’t keep the plot and characters clear enough that the reader can follow, that’s a fundamental flaw in the writing. You shouldn’t need a cast list and timeline to do the heavy lifting (minor exception here for genres such as Russian literature where characters can have several names, or similar siruations). And that’s something I feel an editor should have spotted and addressed.

      I’d find it pretty annoying and condescending to be expected to refer to an extraneous source in order to be able to make sense of a book.

      1. Julia*

        True. Unless it was a series with quite some time between installments, or with loads and loads of minor characters. (Then again, maybe don’t have loads of minor characters?)
        I do appreciate pronunciation guides or extensive time lines in fantasy, though. Like, was character X from series Y born before or after important event Z?

        1. Elizabeth W.*

          Yeah, timelines or a glossary are fine in fantasy or maybe a book set in a historical context.

    2. Ann O.*

      I remember reading books in the past that had that. I feel like it was maybe a thing for fantasy novels in the 80s? I never found it insulting, and I did find it helpful. I don’t see how it’s significantly different from wikis, which are fairly popular.

    3. valentine*

      I always appreciate books that have family trees, so I don’t have to draw one myself, but this is why I don’t read fantasy. They throw three or more proper nouns out and suddenly it’s a research project and I can’t retain anything because I don’t care until I know what all that stuff is. People, lands, rivers?

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I like when a list is included. I read Ken Follett’s Century trilogy last year/early this year, and he included a list of characters in each book because there were SO many and the books spanned three generations of the same four or five families. I was glad to have that, because I have a hard time retaining what I read. When I started a new book in the series I referred back to the list several times until I refreshed my memory.

      What I find annoying, or maybe just not useful, is when a map of the area is included. I read a lot of historical fiction and find that there’s often a map drawn out in the beginning showing where the story takes place.

      1. Elizabeth W.*

        I like looking at the maps, but I find they rarely correspond with what’s going on in my head when I read.

    5. Lcsa99*

      I think it totally depends on the book. The average book I might find it ridiculous. When I find a cast of characters at the beginning of some of Agatha Christie’s books I find it charming. I absolutely needed a cast of characters, time line AND family tree to keep everyone straight in Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles. I do find that referring to that kind of thing while I am reading kind of messes with the flow of the story, but if its necessary to keep the characters straight then it’s a necessary evil.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Correction: it was the mayfair witches with all the incest that made things hard to keep straight, not the vampires.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Mostly I agree with Bhean Sidhe–I shouldn’t need external sources to figure out what’s happening. Lindsey Davis’s Roman mysteries have snarky character lists and they’re fun; at the same time if I have to keep referring to them, I think it’s a flaw. Unless it’s a historical piece with a lot of real life characters with confusing names–either because they are Russian or Japanese and I’m not, or because it was the era of naming everyone Mary.

      I tend to appreciate maps and family trees–perhaps because they incorporate things that really would be background to the characters? Like in contemporary literature, characters don’t flip a light switch and have a little inner monologue in which they reflect on the principles of electricity. So in sci fi, your character shouldn’t do that about the future tech, and in historical fiction they shouldn’t do that about the oil lamp.

    7. ..Kat..*

      Well, I am glad it is not just me. For books with a lot of characters, I usually just make my own list of characters with a reminder of who they are as I read.

  82. anon for this*

    I’m getting married in a couple weeks and will be having someone else do my makeup and hair. Do I need to buy my own makeup for hygiene reasons, or is it generally convention that they’ll bring new/unopened makeup containers with them?

    1. Makeup Addict*

      Makeup artists have their own kit of products, and are good at managing hygiene issues to ensure safety. Brushes and tools are cleaned between clients, products are always kept clean and they avoid doing anything that could transfer bacteria (e.g by using single-use disposable mascara wands). They won’t generally bring only new or unopened stuff though! If they need you to provide anything they should let you know in good time, but it would be pretty unusual.

      1. Makeup Addict*

        That’s assuming your “someone else” is a professional, of course. If it’s not, like if it’s your second cousin who just really likes makeup, you’d really need to discuss this with them in plenty of time as there’s no real protocol there.

        1. anon for this*

          Thanks! It’s a professional. I just don’t usually wear makeup at all and have definitely never used a professional before, so I don’t really know what the rules or customs are.

          1. ..Kat..*

            bring pictures with the kind of makeup “look” you want. This will help ensure you are happy with the results.

          2. Ender Wiggin*

            If you don’t usually wear makeup then really try to squeeze in a trial run so you aren’t tryinf to work out your “look” on the day. I don’t usually wear makeup and the trial was definitely worth the extra money for me.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I doubt if they use new makeup for every person, but I’m sure they will clean all the brushes etc. between customers. I suppose you could bring your own if it worries you but I’d ask first, as I imagine they have particular products they are familiar with.

    3. kc89*

      they should be able to answer that for you, just ask if there’s anything you need to supply

      also if there’s still time you should try and book a test day so they do your hair and makeup on a day that ISN’T your wedding so you can make sure you like how it looks

      and no they won’t be bringing new/unopened makeup but like others have explained, if they are a professional they should be very good about not “double dipping”

    4. Parenthetically*

      Please make time to do a practice run before the big day! A makeup artist’s version of a simple, elegant wedding look and your version may differ wildly, especially since you don’t normally wear makeup at all. If you’re thinking a little foundation to even things out, some eyeliner and mascara to make your eyes look good, and her “basic” look requires serum, concealer, primer, contour, foundation, setting spray, powder, highlighter, 8 eyeshadow palettes, false eyelashes, a brow kit complete with stencil, lip plumper, lipliner, lipstick, liquid eyeliner, two kinds of tape and 18 brushes and makes you feel like a Instagram glamour model, you are definitely going to want to know that BEFORE two hours prior to your ceremony, you know? Good luck and happy wedding! :)

  83. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    I’ll start this week’s running thread!

    I’m down to six weeks before the Philadelphia Marathon and things are going well. I have three long runs left before the race, including a half marathon October 20. My big question is when to do my next long run. It’s on my schedule for Thursday, a day I have off, but as of now it’s forecast to be 70 degrees in the morning with a 90 percent chance of thunderstorms. It’s literally the last warm day before a drastic change in the weather is forecast.

    So my other choices are:
    Tomorrow (Monday) – predicted 66 degrees and overcast with no rain. The downside is that I did a hard run on Saturday and I’d have 13 days in between that and my half marathon.
    Next Sunday – it’s supposed to be 51 (!!) degrees as of now, which sounds heavenly. The downside is I’d only have 6 days of space between the long run, which would be 19 miles, and the half, and I don’t bounce back as well as I used to. I’m also working next Saturday and the following Monday, leaving me with a one-day weekend that a 3+ hour run would basically erase. But if that forecast holds (and it might not, that’s a long way off), wow. 51 degrees and dry vs. 70 degrees and steamy…

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      *12 days between long runs if I ran tomorrow, not 13. I can’t do math. But I think that’s a moot point because I think I’m feeling too run down to do it tomorrow…

    2. LGC*

      That’s…pretty tough.

      So, my initial call would be Sunday, since that’s your preference. The only problem is that you’d basically take out your entire Sunday for a long run, which it doesn’t seem like you want to do.

      Other than that…I’d probably suggest sticking to the original plan and doing Thursday. The weather’s going to suck. It’s NOT going to be similar to Philadelphia in mid-November (at least, I hope not). But also – schedule-wise, it seems like the best choice for you! (Unless you want to treat Thursday as your weekend.)

    3. LGC*

      Also: I’ve been busy watching Chicago (or rather, I AM busy watching Chicago)! Probably the biggest thing I’m interested in (well, aside from my teammates) is that a guy I know is trying to break 3 hours.

      Which would be impressive enough, but he’s a double amputee. (I’ve run with him a couple of times – if I remember correctly, he actually has the world record in the marathon.) Link in my username to a profile Runner’s World did.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Wow, good luck to him. That’s absolutely incredible!

        I will most likely run Thursday unless the weather makes it unsafe to do so, and chalk it up to bad luck if the forecast holds as it is now and I miss a spectacular day next Sunday. As a wise philosopher once said, “Well these are the breaks, break it up break it up break it up, break down.”

        1. LGC*

          Haven’t looked up his time yet, but…yeah, he is pretty amazing. (Like, the first time I met him, he actually ended up outrunning me – fortunately, it was just a group long run in Montclair, but still. Last time I saw him – he ended up running Racefaster Half as well last month – he wasn’t too far behind me.)

          My philosophy is to lean into the bad days because you can’t control the weather on race day. Hopefully, it’s not going to be 70 in mid-November in Philadelphia. (At this point, I don’t even know anymore.) But it doesn’t hurt to be prepared, and I’ve found that even though I had a LOT of bad workouts in hot weather, my runs when the weather’s been cooler have been a lot better. So there’s that benefit as well.

    4. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m into the off season. No triathlons for the winter and I’m not sure what is coming up locally for runs. For something different, I went to a Forte class at the gym yesterday morning and I am sore. The PT who I’ve been seeing for a couple things thinks I should take this winter to really work on strength, rather than continuing swim-bike-run, so maybe more Forte in the future.

  84. bwayne45*

    Thank you again for a book recommendation. I glanced over an article last week about the Green brothers but didn’t have time and forgot all about it. Thanks to you this is probably #4 I have bought in the Sci-Fi genre.

  85. Mimmy*

    Well, looks like my birthday is a bust :( We were going to see my parents tonight, but my dad fell the other night and is in a lot of pain. So instead, hubby and I are going to see A Star Is Born. I shall drown my sadness in cookie dough bites!

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      So sorry to hear that! In a couple of weeks, if your dad is feeling better, you could reschedule and call it, “Mimmy’s Birthday, Observed.” Just like a federal holiday.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Hey, happy birthday! me too :)
      I’m just being lazy today, which is just fine. Though I might do some cleaning.

  86. Nacho*

    I know this is super late, but I’m wondering if anybody has any tips for insulating sliding glass doors. My new condo has two large sliding glass doors, each one taking up pretty much the entire wall. One’s in my bedroom, and the other in my living room. And since it’s a small condo, those are pretty much the only two rooms. They’re nice in the summer, but I’m starting to realize that they provide pretty much no insulation in the winter, and I’m freezing my ass off here. Any good diy suggestions for insulating sliding glass doors to keep the cold out?

    Thanks.

    1. Le'veon Bell is Seizing the Means of Production*

      You could just get some curtains to put over it? And remove the curtains entirely in the summer, and put them up in the winter, so you can get nick thick ones (and you could probably make them fairly easily with fabric from the fabric store too.)

      The only other thing I know is putting aluminum foil on the windows, which is more commonly used to keep sun out but used reverse I’m sure could have an impact.

      1. Close Bracket*

        3M makes that stuff. It’s amazing! 3M also makes window sealing tape. Buy the 3M product! Do not buy the cheaper stuff that claims to be window sealing tape!

        Those kits will turn your glass doors and windows into double paned items, but there could still be leakage around the edges. Caulk is great for that.

    3. WG*

      I use curtains with an insulated backing that really cuts down the cold drafts coming through the sliders.

    4. Anono-me*

      There is a clear plastic kit with special double sided tape you should be able get at most home improvement stores.
      You use a blow dryer to smooth out and tighten up the plastic. (Be careful with the tape.)

    5. Red Sky*

      Bubble wrap works well as an insulator on windows if the heat/cold is coming in thru the actual glass. An old neighbor had original single pane windows and he would mist the inside of the window with water then place the bubble wrap on the pane with the bubbles touching the glass (the water somehow creates a seal so you don’t have to glue or tape the bubble wrap up) and it worked really well. Google bubble wrap window for more detailed instructions.

    6. rear mech*

      cheap quilted moving blankets from walmart are great insulators. I just tack them above the door but you could easily devise something a bit more fancy looking.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I just did a bunch of windows here.
      I got a glass with a “coating” (lack of a better word) on it that blocks summer sun rays and lets in winter sun rays. They called it an e-coating, I think. So very worth it. It’s a bunch of money but if you plan on keeping the place for a while it might be a good investment. I would go to a couple window places to check pricing as prices can vary wildly.

      The other thing that was very helpful was to make sure there was insulation around the window casing. Yet another good size project as the trims have to come off and so on. Not a hard job for a quality carpenter but messy and labor intensive. If you do replace the doors or the glass in the doors, that would be a good time to have that insulation checked around the casing areas.

      A quicker fix would be to get some insulated drapes as others have mentioned.

    8. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I hope this doesn’t sound stupid, but you’ve felt the windows in the winter, right? I ask because I have some very well-insulated double paned windows in my sunroom, and the sunroom gets too cold in the winter and hot in the summer. But the first year after it was built, I noticed a bit of frost on the spacers between the panes, and sure enough, they were much colder than the windows!

      If it is the windows, I know friends of mine have had good results with the clear plastic that you heat with a hairdryer to tighten, but if you can afford it you might ask a window or deck company about getting better insulated glass doors. You can probably even price them out at a hardware store.

    9. Ender Wiggin*

      If they aren’t double glazed already then upgrade to double glazed as soon as you can afford it. If they are double glazed then look for condensation inside the window on cold days – this is a sign that the double glazing is leaking.

  87. Rolled pork roast*

    Years ago, my mom used to make a rolled pork roast. It looked like s roast beef except it was pork, tied with butcher’s twine. You cooked it like a roast beef. But stores don’t seem to sell those anymore. Why? What is comparable that I could get? If I asked a butcher, what would I be asking for? I know it’s not a shoulder or butt roast, those are for making pulled pork, and that’s what I think a butcher might try to sell me. Anyone else remember this? Any suggestions welcomed. Thanks.

    2. buu*

      Pork Loin?
      I think you’d be fine going to a butcher and asking for a pork joint to roast though! A proper Butcher will be happy to talk you through the meat they have and how to cook it.

    3. Elizabeth W.*

      I know when I made a rolled roast of venison I had to butcher it out a certain way, but I can’t remember how that was and I’m too lazy to get up and find the book I had.

      I did google it and found this:

      Pork loin is a tender, succulent cut of meat, whether it is bone-in or boneless. Boneless pork loins can be roasted individually or stacked and tied to make a rolled roast. Your meat market may refer to these as single or double rolled roasts. Choose a rolled roast that has an evenly thin layer of fat cresting the meat. The fat bakes away, keeping the meat tender and juicy. A rolled pork roast is a versatile cut, just right for an herb-infused dish, a flavorful rub, spicy bar-b-cue or Caribbean style. Another favorite way to prepare it is pot-roast style with potatoes, onions and carrots.

      It was from a Livestrong article, baking directions for rolled pork roast. If you talk to a good butcher about it, they would probably know what you mean. I’ve had mixed results with people at supermarkets.

  88. friends with partners*

    This may be more of a vent but I told a friend about a retreat space I found over the summer and that I was going again the next time they offered this. Next time we talk she and her husband have registered. I am so pissed. She could have said she was going. I also don’t want to not go because of them. Can I go and really do my own thing? I used it as a mini-writing retreat last time and it was super productive and mentally refreshing. I don’t know if I can write out in the grounds where they might show up or interrupt (or do I just tell them I can’t talk then?). Also if it hadn’t come up because of something else, I suspect she would not have even have told me. I get it, it’s not my personal retreat center but I had said I was going and it feels like she swooped in and took it (and again, of course, this place is open to all, I get that).

    1. Le'veon Bell is Seizing the Means of Production*

      I mean, you recommended it to them specifically, which is an odd thing to do if you *don’t* want them to go! But you’re actually in a good position now, really, because you do know they’re going and you can plan and communicate with precision. Just call/email/whatever makes sense (you could even just talk to them on the first day) and tell them something like “Just so you know, I’m planning to use this time for some deep reflection, writing time, and generally communing with myself. It’s nothing personal, but I’d prefer if we didn’t hang out or do more than maybe wave hello if we pass. But maybe we can get lunch after it’s all over and we can talk about all the things we accomplished?” Or whatever matches the experience you want to have.

      Think of it this way; it’s always been possible that someone you know would randomly sign up for this experience, especially if you’re raving about it generally, so having a plan to tell people up-front what you’re there to do and help them stay out of your hair is a good thing generally!

    2. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I would be mad too. I guess it’s a lesson not to recommend this stuff, or at least not without caveats of “it’s a holiday from everyone I know!!!”!

  89. Elizabeth W.*

    This dragonfruit I tried is very disappointing, y’all. It doesn’t taste like anything. :(

    1. Parenthetically*

      I’m with you on dragonfruit. Every one I’ve ever had tastes of nothing. Very beautiful and very boring.

    2. Quaggaquagga*

      I have only ever had one dragonfruit that tasted like much, but that one was delicious! Ever since I’ve had the same experience as you — pretty to look at, but very bland to eat.

  90. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Not fun: Dentist last Saturday, no cavities but scraping was done to remove a bit of plaque between the teeth. I have super sensitive teeth. Lingering sensitivity nonstop for a week, and I wear a mouth guard nightly so it’s not from grinding. Got mild otc tooth benzocaine numbing ointment. Ugh, any tips? No issues except very sensitive constantly-tingling teeth.

    And can’t go back to the dentist either, I’m out of town end of this to next week for a friend’s wedding. O.o #halp

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      Do you already use Sensodyne with the enamel builder? That was a game changer for me. I don’t know if it will help for this acute issue, but long term it helps. You could also try ibuprofen if you feel like you have any inflammation contributing the issue.

      1. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        Thanks; yup I already use Sensodyne and I tried Ibuprofen last week (which oddly did nothing). Last Thursday the sensitivity was so unbearable I felt nauseated—aka like a lingering migraine but on teeth—but it’s better now (or maybe I’m more used to it)…

        1. Parenthetically*

          Can you call the dentist and ask for advice? I had that kind of tooth pain once (literally couldn’t open my eyes or move I was in so much pain) and the dentist was able to prescribe me something for it over the phone.

    2. Marguerite*

      I have the same thing, so sympathies. Just another thought though- are your teeth *always* sensitive like this? When my sinuses/allergies are acting up, my teeth HURT. (This time it was a symptom of a sinus infection.)

      I have major sensitivity on the left side of my teeth and my dentist put something on my teeth/gums that was supposed to last for a few months, though I’m not sure what it was. (I know you said that you can’t get to a dentist though.)

      Otherwise maybe there is a mouthwash which would help or try Orajel just to relieve some of the pain temporarily. Again, I know what you’re going through, so I hope you find relief soon! Take care!

    3. Someone Else*

      Crest makes these anti-sensitivity strips. They are hella expensive but completely changed my world. I had a procedure a couple of years ago and for the first six months since my teeth were unbearably sensitive. I went back to the dentist a couple times within those months, but he said there was nothing wrong (and I passed the air burst test) but suggested Sensodyne. The Sendosyne alone made a barely noticeable difference, but those Crest strips plus Sensodyne and I felt 95% better within a day.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Once I got an electric toothbrush and started flossing better, my dental visits involved a lot less scraping. Does not help you this time, but may help next time.

      Sensodyne works, but takes several days to be effective. I have heard good things about those Crest anti-sensitivity strips.

      If you like whitening your teeth, this makes your teeth more sensitive.

    5. brushandfloss*

      My patients/other hygienists love Tom’s of Maine Rapid Relief Toothpaste. Also Colgate has a new product called Anywhere Anytime serum. Both these products use Arginine. The toothpaste can be bought anywhere, the serum has to be ordered online. The advantage of the serum is that you can place on a tooth and leave it on without rinsing.

    6. Kuododi*

      I have the same problem due to life long TMJ. Colgate actually makes a perscription strength sensitive teeth toothpaste called Prevident. Love that stuff!!! I had no idea it existed until my dentist offered it as an option when drug store OTC products no longer met my needs. It would be worth a phone call to see if your dentist office would be willing to phone in a perscription. I highly recommend it. The only difference in use is after brushing you are supposed to hold off on eating or drinking for a half hour. Good luck!!!

    7. Aealias*

      My dentist recommended using Sensodyne as an acute treatment instead of an everyday measure: rub a small amount of toothpaste directly on the sensitive spot, do not rinse, repeat as needed. She explained that sensitive-teeth-pastes block the tiny tubules in the enamel so that exterior influences can’t reach the nerves anymore. Regularly re-blocking the holes helps in the moment.

  91. Potato*

    Had dinner plans with a friend, that got cancelled. I’m Kind of disappointed and I can’t help wondering if I was just uninvited And they’ll carry on with it. Hopefully Just my paranoia talking.

  92. computer says no.*

    dr gave me citalopram i took it last night couldnt sleep and have had terrible period cramps.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Hey, glad to see you but sorry that you’re having terrible cramps! Hot water bottle or heating pad? Pain meds if they don’t conflict with citalopram? Curling up with a distraction such as novels, nonfiction if that’s your thing, TV, binge watching or a movie? Cramps are horrible and can chew up way too much time and energy, but they eventually go away.

    2. StudentA*

      I’m all about a peppermint tea or cinnamon and milk tea for cramps. And Pamprin works surprisingly well! I didn’t believe it would be much different than regular pain killers but it was. I’ll warn you that it does contain caffeine, so not sure you wanna take that risk. I always have Tylenol PM on hand too.

    3. LilySparrow*

      It’s the last thing you want to do, but mild exercise like walking really does help.
      Reduce or avoid caffeine, it makes them worse.
      Heat and NSAIDs if you can take them help a lot.

      You can also do acupressure, it can help. There’s tutorials on Google.

    4. Julia*

      If you always have terrible cramps, please see a doctor. You don’t have to suffer silently, and you might need medical treatment. (You may have to see several doctors before you meet one who doesn’t dismiss period pain.)
      If it’s just some times, have you tried supplements like calcium/magnesium compounds? Magnesium may help especially to relax your muscles and get rid of period constipation, which tends to make things worse.
      For pain killers, which should be okay to take with citalopram (at least when I took it – but mine also made me super sleepy, so the formula may be different?), I found that naproxen – Aleve in the US? – worked best for cramps, but it has to be taken right away, or it won’t work as well.

    5. Ender Wiggin*

      Not sleeping is a side effect of citalopram. Give it a couple of weeks and if it hasn’t stopped go back to the doc and ask for a different pill. I know muscle cramps can also be a side effect of antidepressants but not sure if a side effect of citalopram specifically.

      I was on citalopram for 3 months and I got literally 2-3 hours sleep on average each night. I’m on a different one now and I have muscle pain every week or two but I’m getting more than 6 hours sleep on average so things are better. Hugs

  93. PhyllisB*

    To add a comment to should you tell someone about wardrobe malfunctions; today I got to church, came in the door and spoke to people standing by the door and went inside. Hadn’t gone three steps when I heard, “MA’AM!! MA’AM!!” I turned around and a lady came flying up to me to inform me my skirt was tucked in my underwear!! She stood behind and quickly made it right. I thanked her very sincerely. Would have hated to have put on a show for the whole congregation. :-) Also reminds me why I hardly ever wear dresses or skirts to church!!

    1. Triplestep*

      I did this for someone who was about to walk into an office building ahead of me with her dress tucked into her spanx. In her shoes, I would have been falling all over myself to thank the woman who had pointed this out, but she was kind of “meh” about it.

      I’d never seen her before, but when we got upstairs, she took the open flex desk next to mine. (Open seating, no cubicle walls.) She proceeded to spend the whole day talking loudly on the phone, and then when she left, she just walked out in the middle of a conference call and left the receiver on the desk to treat me to the mechanical sounds of the call until the meeting was over. I guess she didn’t want them to know she’d left by hanging up and causing a “beep” on the conference line. Eventually I hung it up anyway. So I guess I helped her twice that day :-D

  94. Karyn*

    Anyone have any experience with Cozy for landlord/tenant background checks? My boyfriend and I are trying to rent an apartment, and, although I know perfectly well that I have no criminal or eviction history, my background check on this site is taking foreverrrrr while his came back right away. I have a former name and also lived out of state for a couple years so I’m sure it’s probably related to that, but if anyone else has any history with this company, I’d love to know about it.

  95. Environmental Compliance*

    Surgery scheduled this Wednesday. We moved into our new house last Saturday. Movers put a hole in the ceiling, and our internet won’t connect. Oif.

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