open thread – October 12-13, 2018

by Alison Green on October 12, 2018

It’s the Friday open thread! The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything work-related that you want to talk about. If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please don’t repost it here, as it may be in the to-be-answered queue.

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  1. HireMe!*

    I’m finishing up my application for an awesome opportunity that I am highly qualified for. However, this company unusually posted their “anticipating hiring timeline” online for the position – and the two days they have listed as being their interview days (approximately 3 weeks from now) is during a week when I am out of town. Do I include information in my cover letter that I will be out of town that week? Possibly offering to do a phone interview instead, from Europe (where I will be on vacation)? I know many/most of the time, hiring does not follow the anticipated timeline, so I’m afraid I’ll come across as high maintenance when there’s a real possibility that their timeline would get bumped back anyways.

    1. Ali G*

      I wouldn’t. Assume there will be a phone interview before in-person interviews, and you can bring it up then when you discuss next steps.
      If there isn’t a phone interview and this is the first step and in-person, you can just discuss it when they call or email you to set up the interview.
      Use that space in your cover letter to tell them how awesome you are instead :)

    2. Redundant Department of Redundancy*

      I would personally wait until after an interview invitation and at that point mention you are unavailable and ask if there are any alternative dates. If you put it in the cover letter it might seem a little bit like you are assuming you will get an interview.
      However, be prepared that the answer may be no. I know when we hire we have to pick an interview date about a month and a half in advance in order to guarantee room and people availability. For a truly stellar candidate we’d make an alternative arrangement somehow, but for someone we were lukewarm amount we’d likely take the option to not rearrange.

    3. LouAnn*

      Yep, say you’ll be out of town that week and could do a phone interview then or come in before/after. Good luck!

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      The cover letter’s a bit premature a time to mention your being out of time. If they’re interested in interviewing you and want to schedule a time, you can bring up the conflict then.

    5. ACDC*

      I personally wouldn’t bring it up at all until they call you for an interview. Unless there’s a section on the application for additional notes/comments, then include a blurb like “I see you have these dates listed for interviews, I will be out of town those days, but am happy to make other arrangements.” Something like that.

    6. Bunny Girl*

      I would think that maybe they included the hiring timeline so people could let them know if they had any conflicts. I would include that information in both your cover letter, and maybe in your email to them as well. I wouldn’t worry about coming across as high maintenance. I feel that would be appreciated, and as I said, probably why they included it.

    7. Dijana*

      Don’t mention your availability and if they contact you for the interview be prepared to change your plans of they are unable to accommodate your request for an alternate date. They will likely have more than enough top quality candidates to choose from.

    8. HireMe!*

      This is specifically what is stated on the anticipated hiring timeline: “Interviews are currently scheduled for October 29/30. If you reside more than 200 miles from [name of city redacted], the initial interview can be a phone interview if requested. For successful candidates, second interviews will be November 5-7, 2018 and candidates must be present.”

      I don’t live more than 200 miles from the city, but I will be more than 200 miles away at the time of the initial interview.

      1. KarenT*

        Given that, I would leave it out of your cover letter but if they contact you tell them you’re available those days via phone and the following week in person. If they’re married to those dates putting it in your cover letter might ding you a bit.
        I do agree that hiring almost always gets pushed back a bit but I’ve never heard of a company putting it right in the posting. I could see a company that does so sticking to their timelines.

      2. LouAnn*

        That’s pretty clear. My advice above still stands. Be up front and it will make it much easier on their ends scheduling-wise, which can only be helpful to you.

      3. Psyche*

        I think that since phone interviews are an option in some cases, you don’t need to mention it unless you are invited to an interview and the date hasn’t been pushed back.

        1. LurkieLoo*

          I agree with this approach. I think if you are a super strong candidate, it won’t make a lot of difference. If there are a lot of strong candidates and they need to narrow down, this might be a half point against you. It might make you look a little anxious if you address a problem that is only a problem because you assume you will get an interview.

          They are open to phone interviews so I’d wait until they contact you about the first interview to request an exception. At that point, they have already evaluated you against other applicants and are moving you forward so might be more willing to make extra accommodations.

    9. Lalaith*

      I wouldn’t mention it until you know they’re interested enough to want to interview you. I wouldn’t want to give them a reason to possibly disqualify me up front, you know? They’ve already said that they’re willing to do phone interviews for the first round, so it probably won’t be a problem, but just bring that up when they’re already interested and contacting you.

    10. AeroEngineer*

      Nope, don’t say it. I had one of those in the description of a position I applied to, and the interview ended up being a month later. You can always bring it up once you get further into the process.

    11. Ron McDon*

      Where I work we put the interview dates in the ad. We have occasionally had people ask if we can give them an interview on a different date because of *reason* to which the answer is usually ‘we’ll interview on that date, but contact you if we don’t hire anyone and set up an interview with you afterwards’.

      We would be annoyed if you didn’t mention at the start that you wouldn’t be available on the interview date, especially as they’re offering a phone interview if requested. I would add a line in your cover letter to say that on the day of the interview you will be out of the country but are available for a phone interview. They wouldn’t have added that option if it was going to make them discount your application.

      Good luck!

  2. GrapefruitHero*

    I’m in a position where I have to tell my boss I’m applying for a new job with a member organization. Part of my current role is helping our member organizations hire managers, and since I’m kicking around the idea of applying for this one I have to step back from the process. So, if I don’t tell him, it will look like I’m not doing my job. Plus, he regularly speaks to someone on the hiring committee, and I think the committee member would probably tell my boss they received my resume.

    I don’t have a great relationship with my boss–he’s a terrible supervisor in more ways than one, and I have good reason to worry that he will treat me differently once he knows I’ve applied elsewhere. I can definitely see him saying things like, “Well, I’m not going to involve you in this project because I don’t know how much longer you’ll be here.”

    Has anyone else dealt with this? Any advice?

    1. Monty & Millie's Mom*

      No advice, I just want to say that this sounds like a very delicate situation and I really hope it works out for you! Is there any way to get an idea about your chances for the other job before you have to recuse yourself and tell your boss? Not that it’s a guarantee or anything, so not great advice….sorry I don’t have more!

    2. Dweali*

      If you have to soften your approach for his ego make it less that you are looking and try to frame it as this opportunity was too good to pass up or fits your long term career goals better (especially if there isn’t a lot of growth at your current employer).

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Look around is there a friendly type person involved anywhere in this process? This could be someone who rolls their eyes when your boss speaks.

      Other people I would consider talking to would be people who have made the jump out of your department successfully.

    4. Le’Veon Bell is right*

      If you have a good relationship with the client, you could always start with just asking them like “Hey, I’m really excited to work on Job Opening with you, but wanted to talk to you a bit about it. I’m strongly considering applying for the opening myself! Of course, I know if I did so, I’d need to step away from helping run the process. Can you give me a preliminary idea of if I might be a strong candidate for the position? If so, I’ll apply right away (and let my boss know as well, so there’d be no weirdness for you), but if you don’t think I’d be a great fit, that’s fine! We can move forward from there.”

      Or whatever sounds good for you. In general, when I’ve asked hiring managers that I know already this sort of question point-blank, I’ve gotten an honest answer, which at least saves you from the hassle of going through applying and telling your boss if you are rejected in the first round anyway. I know the particulars of your situation are trickier, but if you decide for sure that you want to apply, that’s where I’d start.

      1. Grapefruit Hero*

        I already told the hiring committee chairperson that I was considering applying and would have to step back, and asked her to keep it in confidence for now (which I totally trust her to do) until I get up the nerve to talk to my boss. Thanks for your advice! I’m going to follow up and ask if I have a chance.

        (Also, yeah, Le’Veon Bell is totally right and deserves to be paid a fair market rate.)

  3. Cheerily Terrified*

    Last week I posted about officially finding out that I was being laid off. I spent a lot of the week wallowing (and also doing family stuff that was a pleasant distraction) and read the thread a number of times.
    I want to thank everyone who responded, as it was all great advice and comfort. It was really heartening, and there was lots of great advice. I’m going to take the weekend off to relax and finish wallowing, and then start implementing everyone’s suggestions.
    The tips about needing a routine were appreciated, especially as a first step. I needed to hear that. I’ve very little work to do at the moment, but five more weeks here, and honestly, having nothing to do has been kinda depressing and quite demotivating. It’s been hard to even bring myself to apply for jobs, even when they look interesting and I know they are with a good organisation. So from Monday I will be making sure I have a good routine so I can job search and keep my spirits up, and start making use of all the other great advice I got.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      Be sure you collect any important things while still at your current job. Work samples, personal contact information and any recommendations. All too often you leave and then are like, why didn’t I get so-and-so’s home email address.
      I know it sucks to be laid off, but you’re lucky to have some transition time where you’re still being paid. It’s fine to wallow for a bit, but don’t let it dishearten you. Use that time in a positive and wise manner to plan your next step.

    3. Formerly Arlington*

      Just wanted to say this was three months ago and I just finished month one with a new employer. The pain of being laid off (after months of reorg stress) still gets to me but having a fresh new role has been incredibly energizing. Good luck getting through and past this!

  4. Seven Ate Nine*

    My company does a lot of travel and has a travel coordinator who budgets and processes all the travel; no employee is allowed to book their own travel because the company needs to keep an eye on the budgeting. I’m the secretary for a big team and work very closely with the directors, who are allowed to skip the travel coordinator and book their own trips. Since I’ve come onboard, the directors occasionally have me help with that.

    Recently the company travel coordinator has been very overwhelmed and has asked me to help with booking travel for the rest of my team, not just the directors. She gave me the rundown of how to budget travel for non-directors and has me send all confirmations to her after I book it so she can review and document.

    However she never addressed any kind of login for websites that give rewards when you travel. Sites like Expedia and Hotels.com or the like, where you get rewards that could be reinvested in more company travel. I asked about it when I was first doing the travel for directors but she said there wasn’t one, and no directors gave me a personal one for them to use (aside from individual airline accounts that every employee has and gets to keep that mileage for personal use). The directors travel was rare so even though I’ve done it for a year now, I haven’t gained that many rewards from my bookings. However now that I’m doing the rest of the team, I’m going to be gaining a lot more. Should I double check with the travel coordinator to be sure there isn’t a company account I should be using? Is it okay for me to collect these rewards for myself? When it was the once a month directors travel, it didn’t seem that bad but now that I’ll be doing it weekly, there are a lot more rewards to gain and I feel like I’m taking advantage of the system, especially as I’m not the one doing the traveling, just booking it for my coworkers.

    1. Time for a gnu name*

      I would double check again (by email) with the coordinator about whether there being a company login. If coordinator says there isn’t one, I would reply asking if there is a policy in place which would disallow you from using your own account for booking and accruing the rewards. (Don’t use my wording… that’s clunky as all get out. Yeesh.)

    2. Justme, The OG*

      I would double check, yes. And it’s likely that you cannot use them yourself. I know that when I do purchasing and travel, and rewards go back to the employer since I am using their money to buy things.

    3. ACDC*

      I think since you’ve already asked about a company login for rewards purposes, and were told no such account existed, I’d say you’re in the clear. However, better safe than sorry, so I would send an email to the travel coordinator (key to have this in writing in case it comes back later), saying something like “Hey, I just wanted to make sure there isn’t a company login I should be using for booking travel since I know there are rewards available for some of these things. You had mentioned once before that there wasn’t an account, so I just wanted to make sure.”

      1. Dweali*

        I like this wording…explicitly mention the rewards/savings that the company is missing out on so that SAN can honestly say they brought it to TC’s attention (or whoever would ultimately make the decision to create that type of account)

    4. Temperance*

      I would make sure that with your boss, you’re able to do this. It sounds like the TC’s job that she’s trying to outsource.

      1. Seven Ate Nine*

        My boss and other directors have said they’re fine with it as long as it doesn’t interfere with my other work, that help the travel coordinator should be my lowest priority. And we’re all hoping it’s temporary until an additional coordinator is brought on.

    5. Seven Ate Nine*

      To be clear, the written company policy says that rewards and points gained from business travel may be used by employees for personal travel. However, airline rewards accounts aside, employees don’t get much chance to gain these rewards because all their travel is booked by the coordinator.

      1. LouAnn*

        Interesting… that written policy may change the equation. If employees can use the rewards for personal travel, then I think you’d need to check with EACH employee you are booking travel for, and ask if they have an account they want the rewards/points booked to, and if not, would they mind if that perk went to you.

        1. Laura*

          When I traveled for business, I retained all the rewards. It was a perk of doing all the travel. My first week, I had to create logins for all the frequently used sites and include them on the form to the travel office.

          1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

            My most recent position was booking for a chain of hotels. It was so frustrating— the best rates were often members-only, and so few people let their admins and travel coordinators know that they were members! Fortunately, the easiest way to pull up a person’s travel information was via their email, which would also pull up their account #.

            That having been said, most chains and even some third-party companies will be happy to add a Rewards number to an existing reservation, even without login, and one of my “regulars” would add something to the cover message on people’s itineraries to the effect of a very diplomatic, “You haven’t given me any Rewards information, but you are welcome to add this number on your own. Please feel free to share this information with me for future reference. Bye-ee!”

      2. Bea*

        Since its written policy that employees can keep rewards (claps to them for having that in written policy!) and you asked the TC about the individual log in, I wouldn’t ask again. You did your due diligence.

        1. Psyche*

          She asked about company log in, not individual. I think she needs to check whether or not these rewards should go to the person traveling.

        2. ..Kat..*

          I would ask again by email so that I have a written record of the travel coordinator’s response. Then print it out and keep a copy at home.

      3. PX*

        So I would double check this as there are various things at play. One is, given that there is a policy allowing employees to keep points – I’d be surprised if they wouldnt want them for hotel stays too. So as someone else has said, it might be worth asking each employee if they want to acrue points. Second – while you can get points via the booking website, if they are staying at larger chain hotels – those will likely have a different points system too. So there may be a point in the middle where there are points gained via the booking website, and then points to the traveller who actually stays there. But either way, you need to be sure of what is best to do.

        Long story – you should check if there is a policy, and if not – it might be worth thinking about asking for one.

        1. sparty07*

          If you book via OTA, the big hotel chains disallow any points/premium services you may have from status. I.E. if you normally get free breakfast because your diamond status, booking via OTA vs the actual hotel site will cause you to lose your free breakfast.

      4. Travels for Work Sometimes*

        In that case, (where practical) you should book directly with the hotel chain so that employees may collect their individual hotel points (similar to the way airline miles work). Prepaid bookings through Expedia or Hotels generally negate those rewards.

        1. LJay*

          Also, using prepaid sites generally makes it more difficult or impossible to rebook, add nights to stays, change the name on the booking, or cancel the booking all together, which are all things that come up more frequently with business travel than with personal. And even moreso if the account they are booked on is not the account of the person who is traveling.

          I would be really frustrated if my travel department booked through those sites instead of direct. I’m already bitter that the hotels we use in one city don’t give me my points on company bookings.

          My job is 60-70% travel. The points and the status perks make life tolerable. Don’t get between me and them.

          1. Jasnah*

            Agreed, as an infrequent business traveler I’d be bummed if the secretary or coordinator booking my travel got the points instead of me, the person who has to sit on the plane and would love to save up miles/points for a free breakfast or upgrade to business class.

    6. CAA*

      Does the travel coordinator actually recommend that you book hotels through 3rd party sites? If you are sending people to the same locations repeatedly or if you are usually using large chains like Marriott or IHG, it is probably cheaper to book directly with the hotel. Also, if this is the situation, the traveling employees should care that you are cutting them out of the rewards for their stays. If you book a hotel through a 3rd party site, the employee often can’t collect the points even if they’re in the hotel’s rewards program. They might also have to pay for WiFi access that would have been included if booked via the hotel’s website.

      If you are only using independent hotels with no rewards system, then it’s a little easier to see why keeping the free nights you get via hotels.com might not be frowned upon. It’s harder to use those “free nights” for corporate travel because they’re treated like a prepaid and non-refundable reservation.

    7. I was Ariel before the mermaid*

      Why not just make a new account strictly for the business bookings with your work email as the login? Then, any rewards that accrue could be used towards other business travel?

    8. Ben H*

      Double check via email and send their response to your personal account. Some companies see it as a way to provide no-cost benefits to their employees.

      However, I had one company that insisted I could keep the office supply and travel rewards as my own, as I had a huge hand in reducing their overhead ratio. They also refused to provide a company purchase card and insisted that I use my own. Then my contract was up, I refused to renew (poor internal politics), and one of the partners contacted the PD for fraud. Claiming that the credit card cashback, office supply, and travel rewards were all property of the company.

      I showed them the email highlighting that this specific partner said I should keep them as thanks and that the partners were not comfortable allowing me a company card so that I should just use mine. She was prosecuted for filing a false report.

      At my current organization, the office rewards are used to offset supply costs, and cash back is used to fund employee bonuses. However, I am still allowed to keep travel rewards from booking plane tickets, car rentals, and hotels. And yes, I do have documentation that this is ok.

    9. R*

      My company has a policy about not taking gifts from suppliers that would apply to your travel rewards points – and make taking them a firing offence. I mention this because the policy isn’t part of the travel rules but is under (I think) the section on fraud. It also prohibits keeping Christmas gift baskets and the like.

    10. Yetanotherjennifer*

      In general, if the company doesn’t have an account for something like this, the assumption would be that you would create an account for the company, not that you would use your own. It may be that the travel coordinator doesn’t know about reward points or that she or the company feels it’s too much to manage. And that may mean that these points will go uncollected, but they’re not yours to take if they’re unclaimed. I’d stop using your personal account immediately and talk to the coordinator again. This isn’t exactly like accepting kickbacks, but it’s close. You are personally being enriched from the company’s spending. Especially since they keep a close eye on travel spending, they need to be confident that you will select travel based on what benefits the company and not what benefits you.

      1. valentine*

        Yes, it sounds like you’re using your own account and, especially if the coordinator told you to book a different way, she may not know you’re doing this. You can say it made sense, at the time, to use it for the few bookings and ask if you should create one or book directly, as others are saying.

    11. sparty07*

      If there is enough travel that a travel coordinator can’t keep up, your company should look at getting negotiated rates with a certain chain. This would allow the company to save money.

  5. KMB213*

    No questions, but I’ve had a rough few weeks at work.

    Of course, on the surface, that seems like a bad thing, but I’m choosing to view it positively – it’s given me incentive to ramp up my (previously fairly passive) job search. I found four jobs that look like great fits last night and I am completing the cover letters and applications tonight!

    1. Lumen*

      You don’t need answers, so I’m giving you cheerleading!

      Go you! I hope something pans out. A new job can be so exciting, especially after a bad one!

      1. KMB213*

        Thanks! I’m been kind of generally unhappy in this job for a while now, but I haven’t been unhappy enough to really prioritize my job hunt. These few weeks have definitely been what I needed!

  6. Emma*

    I OFFICIALLY HAVE A NEW JOB!!!!!! Had an interview last Tuesday, and got the offer this Monday! Nice little pay bump & my new manager seems great. Would love any tips on a) surviving the last couple weeks at my Hell Job (focusing is hard!!!!) and b) not bringing the old dysfunction to the new gig…

    1. AnonEMoose*

      For the last two weeks, remind yourself that there is an end date. “I only have to deal with this for X more days, and I only have to be here for Y more hours.” Plan a treat for yourself at the end of it, or even at the end of each week, if you need. It doesn’t have to be anything huge – just some small indulgence that you enjoy but maybe don’t splurge on often.

      Congratulations on the new job! In terms of the toxicity, maybe put some thought into understanding the patterns of it at your current job. Once you understand that, you might be able to identify the survival mechanisms you’ve developed to deal with it. That might help you avoid carrying them into your new position.

    3. Ali G*

      Congratulations! Free yourself from the burden of dealing with OldJob. It’s not yours to fix anymore, just do what you need to leave on good terms and get out.
      As for letting it go before your new job starts – I highly recommend taking time off in between if you can. Use that time to do things for yourself and let the OldJob go. When I left my OldToxicJob I had dreams about it all weekend after my last day – like I was still working there. It wasn’t until the Sunday night before the first Monday that I didn’t have to go back there and was the start of my 2-week break, that I finally started to realize it was real and I could shed the OldJob.
      Congratulations!!!

    6. knitcrazybooknut*

      In terms of releasing the toxicity of the old job, I would just watch what you say and think during your first few weeks of NewJob. You’re still going to have your pre-programmed ways of interacting, interpreting and reacting to all kinds of things. If you can wait to respond to anything for 30 seconds and maybe have a mantra on a sticky note where you can see it (This is not my Old Job), that may help you make that separation, especially if you can’t take a break between old and new.

    7. Lalaith*

      Woot woot! *high five*

      On surviving, just keep your eyes on the prize. You’re going to be out of there soon, you do not need to care about their BS anymore! No longer your circus, no longer your monkeys. Focusing is tough, but just try to remember that everything is a step closer to getting you out of there!

  7. Anathema Device*

    I graduated in May and am looking for work—fingers crossed, I’m hoping to get an entry-level office job that can help me gain a few years of work experience (and maybe some savings) before I go back to school in the future. In my search, I’m looking for positions not just in my home state, but also in the major city (in a neighboring state) where I went to school. If I get a job there, I would definitely start immediately looking for a place to live there—I’ve always wanted to live in this city, so that’s a plus!

    But in my first phone interview, after asking about my willingness to relocate, the interviewer said “How soon would you be able to start?” and…I had no idea? I’ve never tried to find housing before, and I have no clue how long it would take for me to find an apartment. I don’t want to start looking until I know I have a job, because I definitely don’t have the funds to live there without a salary—and, as my dad pointed out, it’s still going to be difficult to find affordable housing on an entry-level salary.

    I don’t *need* to have an apartment before I start the job—the commute from my house would be 2+ hours each way, which is unsustainable in the long term but manageable temporarily. Obviously, I don’t want to do that for any longer than absolutely necessary—but I also know that employers generally want you to start as soon as possible.

    Does anyone here have any advice about what to say when asked this question in future interviews? I’d appreciate anything!

    1. WellRed*

      You need to make a plan for how this would work. Do you have someone you could stay with temporarily while you look for housing? Not having a well-thought out answer to this question is not going to work in your favor. And, commuting two hours each will likely scare off job offers as well.

    2. ThatGirl*

      In my experience, it takes 3-4 weeks lead time to find an apartment. You obviously don’t want to rent one before you have a job, but have you done any preliminary research? Gotten any applications, narrowed down options? Have a few places ready to apply to when you need them.

      Most places totally understand if you need 2-3 weeks to get things together – often they have some lead time built in. So estimate how long you need to pack up your stuff, and go from there.

      1. LawLady*

        I think this really varies by city. There are some places where the rental market moves so fast that unless you’re ready to move in now, there’s no point in looking. Many of my friends moved to NYC after law school, and they all found apartments in under a week.

        1. Spooky*

          New York resident chiming in–if you tell a job that you need 4+ weeks before you start, especially as a recent grad, you will never get an offer. There are way too many people here who can start immediately. When I got my first job in the city, I asked for ten days between offer and start date, and they put a LOT of pressure on me to shorten that to four days.

          1. ThatGirl*

            I can completely understand 4 weeks being too much in most cases, but 10 days doesn’t seem quite long enough – if you have a job you’re leaving, you would need at least two weeks!

              1. ThatGirl*

                I get it! But even when I was unemployed last summer and technically available right away, I still wanted a little time to get loose ends sorted, and my new job needed time for paperwork.

          2. Lily in NYC*

            It really depends on the company – we hire recent grads into our project management roles and often allow people to start in 4-6 weeks due to travel, moves, etc. But for someone moving from 2 hours away, I don’t think such a long wait is necessary.

    3. ACDC*

      I was in this same situation not too long ago. Are you moving to this location anyway, with or without a job? Or are you just willing to move for this job in particular? If the latter is the case (as it was for me), I said things like “realistically, I would be able to start 2-4 weeks after receiving an offer to coordinate my move.”

      Also, don’t worry about how long it’ll take you to find an apartment. Most landlords will get you in ASAP if they have any availability at all.

      Good luck!

    4. Fabulous*

      Finding an apartment shouldn’t take terribly long once you narrow it down based on location and cost. Estimate what you can afford based on the minimum salary you would be earning so you don’t overreach your means.

      I would also scope out potential apartments now so that you have an idea of what’s available in the area – like go visit the complexes, see the available units and talk with the property managers to find out the specifics of applying. They may have a non-negotiable move-in date, or if it’s an empty apartment you could move in whenever during the month. Then, when you get an offer you can have a solid plan to reach back out to who you spoke with. It should only take a day or two to submit an application and for them to do a credit check.

    5. anonymoushiker*

      Usually, apartments start on the first of the month, so you may want to build around that-if you were to get an offer today, you might be able to start 11/1 or 11/15 (with the hope of getting an apartment starting 12/1, if that makes sense).

      1. Spreadsheets and Books*

        This hasn’t been my experience at all, so this may be regional. Every complex I’ve ever lived in has flipped units as soon as they’re clean and ready for new tenants (which makes sense from a financial standpoint… who wants to leave a unit empty to wait until the first of the month?). I’ve moved in mid-month in every apartment I’ve ever lived in, and rent was pro-rated accordingly.

      2. Jack Be Nimble*

        That’s how it’s worked in cities I’ve lived, as well. And depending on when you move, it may be MUCH more difficult to find a place to stay. For example, the place I live now is a college town, and about a third of the leases in the entire city turn over on September 1st, so finding a place that starts on that date is a nightmare and inventory is super limited. Finding a place for August 1st or October 1st is significantly easier.

      3. Dweali*

        In my area (metro OK) most complexes have move in/out days throughout the month, I’ve only ever looked at one that they tried telling me their policy was either the 1st or 15th, I didn’t rent from there for a few reasons but that policy was one of them

    6. Combinatorialist*

      I recently relocated for a job and I would research temporary living possibilities in the new city. I lived a couple weeks in an Extended Stay Hotel. Obviously, it is not fantastic, but it was fine. Also, I would start researching living options there. Obviously don’t sign a lease until you have a job — but a lot of that legwork can be done before you have a job. Do some market research on what entry level jobs pay, figure out which neighborhoods have affordable salary, research the roommate scene of the city, identify target apartment complexes. Then you will be prepared to move quickly once you have a job offer.

      1. Washi*

        Agreed on the temporary housing, and I think it can be better that way! I lived in a basement “apartment” with no kitchen or windows (but was actually quite nice) for the first 5 months when I moved for my first job because 1. it was really cheap and didn’t check my credit, which as a student was not amazing and 2. I could scope out the city and take my time to find a place in a neighborhood I was excited to sign a yearlong lease on.

        1. Washi*

          (and more to the point, if your housing is temporary and therefore doesn’t need to be so stringently selected, it should only take a couple weeks to find something decent, and most employers wouldn’t expect you to start sooner than 2 weeks after an offer anyway.)

        2. TootsNYC*

          if it had no windows, then it’s a REALLY good thing there wasn’t a fire–it’s not legal to rent out as a bedroom any room that doesn’t have more than one exit, and one of those must be directly to the outside. (and you must be able to actually get out of it, so teeny little ones way up on the wall won’t qualify)

          1. Washi*

            There was a window in another part of the basement that I could access but wasn’t part of my living space, so I assume that’s how they got around that.

          2. fposte*

            I think that’s dependent on local code, though; some places allow it if the apartment is under a certain square footage, for instance, or allows for grandfathering in older structures.

            2. Seeking Second Childhood*

              And NYC has a lot of illegal sublets & subdivisions. I know because briefly rented one in Westchester.

      2. Hobbert*

        Yep, many of our new hires do the extended stay hotel thing for a few weeks to get a sense of the area and where they might prefer to live. It’s probably what I would choose to do if that was an option.

      3. Jasnah*

        This is exactly what I did when I changed jobs and moved to a new city. I looked at my current budget and estimated what my base living expenses were, and how much I would need to make if I cut back as much as possible/continued living freely and used that to set my minimum and ideal salary numbers. Did some research into salaries for jobs in my industry/skillset and compared them to those numbers. Then I looked at housing options to see what I could afford size-wise and area-wise, did some hard soul-searching whether I wanted a small place in a trendy area/closer to town, or a bigger place in a lame area/farther from town.

        Once I had all these numbers in an Excel spreadsheet, I could look at jobs or houses and pop it into the spreadsheet and see what my budget would look like. Once I got a job offer I was able to jump on the housing search and it ended up working out great. I know many others who lived in a guest house/youth hostel for a few months at first, this was my backup plan as well.

    7. Shark Whisperer*

      It depends on if you are planning on getting your own apartment or living with roommates. If you are fine living with roommates, then I would say two weeks after the offer would be enough. I’ve found out of town roommate situations twice before in less than two weeks. If you want your own place that’ll probably take longer.

      I also had a friend that moved into an airbnb for a couple weeks when she moved for a new job until she could find her own place, so that’s also an option.

    8. nonymous*

      It’s pretty common to ask for 2-3 weeks before starting. When relocating at employee’s expense, you might have to pay for period of temporary housing. There are lots of ways to do this on the cheap – couch surfing, house sitting, or staying in a friend’s RV (in their driveway) comes to mind. But it would be prudent to budget for a week at an extended-stay location. The local Y might have some low-cost options. Once you have an offer in hand, your new employer might be able to share a discount code they’ve negotiated with a national chain.

      Tip on apartment hunting: look for a big complex and plan to move again after you know the area better. Bigger complexes have people moving all the time, possibly multiple vacancies in the same week. Especially if you are new to the area or apartment dwelling in general, a six- or nine-month lease will be preferable. It will be sheer luck if you find a place you love right away (mostly because of the time-cost-quality triangle, I’m guessing the two fixed sides are time and cost), but it will be fine if you have an exit plan. If you know someone who can rent you their basement or guest room or RV in the driveway while you’re apartment hunting, that would be the best transition option. I live in a middle class suburban neighborhood in commuting distance to BigCity and I’d say about 5% of my neighbors are helping friends and family out with a spare room at any given time, excluding the boomerang kid crowd. It’s all word of mouth.

      1. Ender Wiggin*

        This. You could say you are available to start immediately and just live in low cost accommodation like a youth hostel till you find a place.

    10. Overeducated*

      You can do a 2 hour commute each way and find an apartment and move on weekends. It sucks, I know because I’ve done it (for more than a month) and my spouse is about to do it for an indefinite length of time, but your instinct is right that you can start the job as soon as possible.

    11. Random Commenter*

      (unrelated but I understood that reference in your username and that’s one ofnmy favorite books. )

    12. nym*

      In the three states and six moves I have dealt with in the past ten years, and YMMV:
      2-4 weeks is a good estimate.
      If you have done some due diligence ahead of time, many large apartment complexes (depending on if that’s the kind of thing you are looking for) will show you an apartment and let you sign a lease on the spot for move-in as soon as the following day; in my area, they show vacant apartments, rather than model units, so the unit is ready whenever you sign.
      Move-in timeline is contingent on having a satisfactory credit score and being able to provide proof of income that meets their rent guidelines.
      For rent guidelines, net pay needs to be at least 1.5x monthly rent cost, or if two or more people are sharing, their combined net pay needs to meet the same standard.
      You had to be able to show four weeks worth of pay stubs to prove this net income.

    13. Lala*

      sometimes it is possible to find an AirBnB share for a temporary situation, my son did that when he was looking for a lease in Brooklyn

  8. Amber Rose*

    Alison, yesterday you said you would be willing to be convinced to allow volunteer mods in a discussion on an open thread. I’m hoping its OK if I start this here! If not I’m sorry.

    The site for you is a source of income and presumably something you enjoy doing. For us, it’s a place to chat with a generally welcoming and helpful bunch of folks. If there are people making this not enjoyable for you and less welcoming for us, nobody is getting what they want.

    I spent a bunch of my teen years as a volunteer mod for a big company’s forums. It was a labor of love. Anyone who volunteers to mod a discussion space is getting what they want from doing so. And it’s not exploitive or anything. This isn’t something you put on a resume, there’s no stakes involved. It’s just for fun, so to speak.

    I hope you’ll consider it because I’d hate for this wonderful community to be a cause of unhappiness and fall apart.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Also a former moderator here (of forums), and I’d be willing to volunteer as well (with clear guidelines—I have a general sense of how Alison would handle things, but if multiple people are involved in moderating, it’s best to have consistent guidelines, even if there will inevitably be grey areas).

      1. Bekx*

        I’ve been a moderator of forums before in the past as well. And yes…some mods come down harder than others on certain things. I’ve found that it’s helpful to have some sort of mod-only space to discuss these issues. Like modmail on reddit, or a private board on forums. Perhaps a discord or google hangouts chatroom or something, just to keep things straight.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Yes, exactly. That’s what we had where I moderated. Lots of discussions about “How do you think we should handle this?”

    3. Ann Furthermore*

      I’ve been a moderator as well, and it is (or can be) enjoyable, but it’s a pretty thankless job. That being said, I believe it is much needed. I rarely comment here anymore, and that is mostly due to the small but vocal group of people who shout down opposing viewpoints, actively search for things to be offended by, jump all over anyone who might not articulate themselves very well, and have designated themselves as the PC police.

      1. KarenT*

        Yes I comment much less frequently as well. I don’t mind the disagreements but the nitpicking, piling on, and tone policing are exhausting. As a regular reader and infrequent commenter, I do think the site would benefit from moderation if thoughtfully done. I think cutting down on the pilings on alone would make the comments site much more enjoyable.

      2. TootsNYC*

        I was on a forum that had this problem, but the moderator was a huge part of it.

        Oddly enough, I don’t see that much of it here.

        1. LilySparrow*

          LoL, I think I know what site you mean, Toots. Yeah, that one was a fish rotting from the head. This is not, thank goodness.

        2. Lily in NYC*

          Oh god, I know exactly what site you are referring to (mainly because I remember your name from there); that moderator was on some sort of crazy power trip.

      3. Washi*

        I’ve seen a lot of comments about the decreasing quality of the comment section, but I guess I honestly don’t feel that way? I feel like this site has a great comment section, especially given that there is no registration or accountability whatsoever, and that Alison does a fantastic job of stepping in when necessary but otherwise letting things run free.

        I wonder if there are more folks who are totally fine with the way things are and we just don’t tend to voice that because…things are fine!

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yeah, I’ve thought about doing a commenter survey, actually. One thing I know for sure is that I’ve been hearing “the comments were so much better before the past year” for about five or six years now. Now, certainly that could mean they have been in steady and constant decline, but the things people complain about have changed over time. It used to be general grumpiness, but now it’s nitpicking and chastising others.

          1. Jadelyn*

            I think to a certain extent, you’ll always have some people complaining. It’s the “kids these days!” phenomenon, which has been happening for literally centuries – every generation thinks kids these days are so much worse than they were, but humanity isn’t in some kind of constant free-fall.

            1. Liet-Kinda*

              This is all true, but I think certain impulses – snarky callouts, advice column fanfic, so on and so forth – can come to the fore at different times. When the prevailing tone veers towards hostile and preachy, this can be a less fun place till that subsides.

              1. valentine*

                When people complain, I’d like to see examples. I don’t know who/what Ann Furthermore’s list or fanfic applies to, and charges of fanfic are new and increasing.

        2. Amber Rose*

          I actually agree with you. The biggest change I’ve noted is more complaints directed at Alison for various things, which I feel is ridiculous for her to have to deal with considering all she does.

          There’s a bit more snark, but that’s because there’s a lot of comments. When the number of comments grows, the quality of those comments naturally goes down a bit over time, since they start getting repetitive or less thoughtful.

        4. TootsNYC*

          yeah, me too–I like the comments section here!

          Occasionally there will be a bit of “tone policing,” but there’s generally a pushback, and it doesn’t last that long (in terms of days–there might be a lot of it on one particular day, but it doesn’t come back the next day)

        5. a1*

          I’d wager the opposite. Most people who don’t like something just stop commenting and leave. You have no way of knowing how many people feel this same way because you won’t get the chance to ask. And here, it seems like the dissenters are more vocal but I’d say from my observation that’s more due to the people “defending” (for lack of a better word) the site/themselves and it looks like a lot more. Also, when something is different it stands out so you remember it more. So seeing one person say “I don’t like this” amongst several others that do, and then those several others all comment in opposition to that, and then reply to each other, etc it looks like a lot more. But meanwhile at least one person has left the site.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            I definitely think there’s something to that. At the same time, I know there’s no way to run it that will make everyone happy; nothing will ever be everyone’s cup of tea (I regularly get completely opposite complaints — some saying I’m not doing enough X and others that I’m doing too much X). So I think all I can do is figure out what makes sense to me and what I feel good about (informed by and tested against the opinions of people who are willing to weigh in, which is something a survey would contribute to).

      4. Jadelyn*

        I’m more than a little concerned that calling out bias is being framed here as “searching for things to be offended by” and the phrase “PC police”, which has a nasty history of being used as a way for people to say “stop holding me responsible for the damage my words do”. If that’s the reason you think we need more moderation, then I’m going to strongly disagree and say that I hope moderation wouldn’t be used as a tool to quash actual accountability in the name of “not being too PC”.

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          And here’s an example of exactly what I’m talking about, and why this will again be my last comment for awhile. It’s not useful or productive to parse people’s words and pick apart every single little thing they say.

          1. Mazzy*

            This is one of the problems of the common threads here and on the internet in general, but more often here, because we can’t see the OP. Often times too much time gets spend guessing whether the person is a woman or a minority or religious minority, and more often than not, database and situation but pretty much have been the same regardless of those things anyway, so it’s annoying to have to read through all the hypotheticals. Usually I feel that, if it were germane to the story, the person writing and would’ve mentioned it from the get-go. The problem is that when you say the problem could’ve happened to anyone, then you get piled on and told that it happens more to a minority, again, which doesn’t really impact the OP or the advice.

            1. marmalade*

              I agree with you, Mazzy. I like the comment section, generally, but there is SOOOO much speculation about whether the poster is female/black/disabled in specific ways/autistic/has a rare health condition/etc.
              It becomes tiring to read yet another comment being like, “Well maybe they have ADHD or are on the autism spectrum!” I mean maybe, but that doesn’t change the behaviour as reported, and in most cases it also doesn’t change the advice.

          2. Cat Fan*

            This seems unfair. I think Jadelyn was right to want to clarify and disagree if that is how she feels about it.

            1. Mazzy*

              I think you also need to remember that there is a very long and thorough history of calling out any sort of biases on this site. It’s frustrating to read those same sorts of comments again and again, especially when in many cases they are essentially just guessing what gender and race the OP is. I don’t know, that feels icky to me. I feel that if the OP found it pertinent, they would’ve mentioned it in their letter.

              1. Anonymous Educator*

                It’s frustrating to read those same sorts of comments again and again, especially when in many cases they are essentially just guessing what gender and race the OP is.

                Sometimes people are guessing, but there have also been many studies showing that people can have internalized biases against their own groups (for example, women being biased in favor of men or people of color being biased in favor of white people).

                1. Mazzy*

                  But if you’re saying internalized biases exist, wouldn’t that be an argument for not actually knowing the gender, age, sexual orientation, and race of the OP, so we can’t use those biases to impact our comments to the letter?

          3. Radical Condor*

            I don’t think what Jadelyn said was “parsing [your] words and picking apart every little thing” you said. I think it was asking honestly what exactly you meant by your core concept, because “looking for something to be offended by” is an accusation really commonly thrown by bigots and abusers at their victims as a punishment for daring to object to their bigotry and abuse. So it’s a potential red flag to many people who are frequent victims of bigotry or abuse. Doesn’t mean that’s what it means every time, and in this space I’m inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt, because we generally have pretty nice people here. But it’s the Schroedinger’s Rapist concept: when we see only the statement, we don’t know whether you mean it the way we fear you might, or the way we hope you do. YOU may know you’d never mean it that way, but we don’t. It seems to me that giving you the benefit of the doubt means asking outright what you mean, rather than treating the red flag as reason enough to be wary of the speaker.

        3. New Bee*

          I agree with you, but there’ve been some instances where folks claim to be defending a group they’re not a part of and make some sort of “everyone who’s anyone agrees with me” statement. And when people who are actually members of that group disagree or offer a different perspective, Original Commenter doubles down on being loud and wrong and uses the word “woke” repeatedly. I’m all for moderating that drama.

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            And when people who are actually members of that group disagree or offer a different perspective, Original Commenter doubles down on being loud and wrong and uses the word “woke” repeatedly.

            Are you exaggerating, or did those comments get removed? When I search for the word woke on this site, everything is about physical waking (waking from sleep, waking from a nap).

            2. New Bee*

              In terms of comments being removed, maybe so? I didn’t want to name specific commenters or list other terms that might seem to single a specific person out.

              I realized it may not have been clear that my “I agree” was in response to Jadelyn’s comment; I was just adding the caveat that I’ve noticed sometimes the Original Commenter is (self-identified) White, male, straight, Christian etc., makes a “line in the sand” statement about bias (real or perceived), and then reacts…poorly when actual recipients of the bias chime in.

        4. Liet-Kinda*

          The problem is when calling out bias becomes “trolling for bias – or even just signs of insufficient wokeness – then performatively body-slamming the Problematic One from the rhetorical top rope to cheers from the crowd,” which is a thing certain of us have been overindulging in lately.

          1. Same here*

            DUDE, this. Could not have phrased it better. That’s exactly the problem with comments on this site.

          2. I agree*

            This is exactly it. Yes sometimes there is actual hidden bias, and sometimes it’s just people responding to invisible biased straw men while others applaud their performance. I think some people’s first instinct is to think of a snappy comeback, when it should be to self reflect.

        5. Phoenix Programmer*

          Jadelyn you are correct but – clearly Ann Furthermore was not complaining about calling out bias. She was clear that her complaints we’re about a small vocal minority and the majority of commenters here do a fantastic calling out isms. You found the one not perfect phrase in her comment “PC Police” and used that to determine she must be talking about bias. It’s a perfect example of what she is talking about.

          PC Police, oversensitive, looking for offense have all been used against marginalized groups wrongly. That doesn’t mean that people can’t be oversensitive or inapporiately PC about low key items.

          When I think about my question to Alison there were several side threads bashing commenters for assuming I was a woman and how even though I mentioned pregnancy we can’t assume cis and yadda yadda yadda that had nothing to do with my question. Drove the comenters inserting a pronoun (correctly I’ll add) to stop giving me advice although I appreciated hearing the different perspectives, and was completely unhelpful to me in any way.

          1. Radical Condor*

            “PC Police, oversensitive, looking for offense have all been used against marginalized groups wrongly. That doesn’t mean that people can’t be oversensitive or inapporiately PC about low key items.”

            True. This is a good reason to ask for more specifics when someone used language like that, to find out what exactly they do mean. The problem is that Ann Furthermore chose to take offense when asked what they meant, which it seems to me is precisely the right thing to do when one can’t tell which way someone means a potentially loaded phrase. That’s unfortunate, because an answer might have been enlightening, while walking away as though insulted isn’t very.

        6. Lavender Menace*

          Eh, I don’t know. I think what’s being done here often crosses over from legitimately calling out bias into an annoying level of virtue signaling.

          And I say that as someone who is also usually annoyed by the “PC police”/”you just want to be offended” parlance.

      5. Anon Mod*

        Heh.

        I’m a volunteer mod for a large professional networking Facebook group (40,000 members). The core commitment of the mod group is promoting and, frankly, enforcing equity in the group and centering the voices that are elsewhere marginalized. It can be frustrating — I don’t always agree with the decisions of the mod group; it sometimes feels too heavy handed to me — but the result is powerful. Having spent so much time in that forum I’m always surprised by the casual racism/sexism/etc. that’s tolerated elsewhere on the internet.

        What makes the moderation there work is a very clear set of values (and a less clear and constantly evolving set of operating principles that translate into rules). We haven’t figured out detailed “rules” for every situation, which can be frustrating for participants, but the values guide us in our decision-making.

      6. neverjaunty*

        You’re assuming that the volunteer moderators would be those whose assessment of the correct tone of the site, and the behavior of other commenters, matches rather than opposes yours. That’s… very hit or miss.

        I would much rather Alison moderate more effectively and have clear mechanisms to flag comments and/or communicate with her if there is an issue.

      7. Spearmint Patty*

        I agree with you, Ann Furthermore. While I abhor actual racism and prejudice, I find that the eagerness of some comments to find discriminatory motives where none seem to exist just plain annoying. One example that comes to mind is when someone expresses fear of walking alone through a bad/crime-ridden neighborhood and people accuse the person of using code for a black neighborhood.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thanks for raising this here! I get that you’re saying it’s a labor of love for moderators, but it’s a labor that would contribute to a site that earns money for me. It’s true that the comment section is not a major driver of that money (most people don’t read the comment section, interestingly), but I feel uncomfortable with that. I’d be interested in whether there’s a different framework to look at that through.

      1. INeedANap*

        Isn’t this a similar framework that volunteering works with, though? Even if you volunteer for a non-profit, *someone* is making money. The volunteer coordinator, the CEO, the managers.

        If I volunteer at a local theater, for example, it doesn’t bother me that the theater manager is making money and I’m not. My investment is significantly less, and I consider it a privilege to support a community I believe strongly in.

        This doesn’t seem to me to be significantly different.

        2. Anonymous Educator*

          And at some of those “non-profits,” the CEOs are making hundreds of thousands of dollars.

        3. Bea*

          You can’t have volunteers work for a For Profit business is the thing and that’s what AAM is. That’s a non profit “perk” to allow volunteer efforts. The financials are transparent and categorized differently tax wise.

        4. Ask a Manager* Post author

          The people staffing the nonprofit are earning money for their work, yes, but the overall profits the organization earns are invested back into the organization, not kept by an individual. (Or at least that’s how it’s supposed to work.) AAM isn’t a nonprofit. It’s not the primary way I earn a living, but whatever money it does earn goes to me, with only a comparatively small amount being invested back into the site.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Although now I’m thinking about the letter a few months back from someone asking about using volunteers to help run her game store after her husband had died. She couldn’t legally have volunteers, say, work the cash register — but I recall lawyers in the comments saying there were specific situations where she potentially could allow volunteers, like around running events in the stores. It’s not exactly the same thing, but it’s true that if I shut down comments tomorrow, the impact to the site revenue would be de minimis. So maybe there’s something there to explore.

            1. TootsNYC*

              also, there’s the idea that the open thread would be strongly analogous to allowing a gaming group to use the tables in the back and run their own event.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              This sounds weird, but maybe it’s not:

              You could consider running the open forums on Friday and Saturday as your “give-back” to the general society that supports your business. So, in other words, the two open forums are a type of socially responsible gifting that you do.

              Not a lawyer and definitely not a tax person. But the precedents I am thinking of are businesses who donate their goods or services to help others as well as run a for-profit business. I am wondering if you can find a similar set up. You definitely provide help worldwide for many, many people. It’s free help to the recipients. And your advice has saved many people’s butts, I am sure if you asked for people to vouch for that you would get hundreds of comments.

              1. Foreign Octopus*

                I was thinking just this.

                If Alison mods the weekly letter discussions and then we have volunteer mods at the weekend where it’s a little more about socialising than directly offering advice to the letter writers that might be a good idea. It would free up Alison’s weekends and allow for consistency between the weeks and the weekends if mods were used.

                2. neverjaunty*

                  Then shut down commenting on the weekday posts. Seriously, it won’t kill anyone (and I put myself in this category) to wait until open thread time to chat. The only drawback is that sometimes commenters do have helpful advice that you may not have been aware of or, once in a blue moon, have gotten wrong – but is that going to be worth the time and effort you otherwise need to put into comment moderation?

            3. Givemeabreak*

              Why not just pay someone rather than tie yourself into knots trying to figure out a way to get free labor when you already don’t feel great about it. Alternatively, if the comments really don’t drive revenue and you don’t earn much money off this blog, just close them. They offer you no value and only frustrate you.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I think they offer me and others lots of value. For me, I frequently enjoy them and find they can provide useful feedback. There are no knots being tied here — musing about ways to make things better does mean I think they’re terrible. I actually think they’re overall quite good. I’d just love to minimize some of the more frustrating parts. There may not be a way to do that, of course.

            4. Appreciates the Comments*

              A respectful request to keep the comments! They contribute to making this feel like a community, which is a value added to great advice. We need more community these days. If volunteer moderators are needed to make that sustainable, that’s okay.

      2. Amber Rose*

        I think of it as somewhat similar to volunteering with a charity. For example, I volunteer for the MS Society sometimes. I’m technically doing work that brings in money for people because they’re a big organization with paid staff members, but they do a lot more for the community. You may get money from the site, but you answer our questions and host this discussion space for us without actively charging us money.

      3. LouAnn*

        Here’s one possible framework: quantify the amount of value you think moderation would add. Express that as a percentage of income from the site. Commit to donating that percentage of income to a non-profit that makes sense to you (good cause, fits with your brand/the site, isn’t going to alienate readers… e.g., caring for animals or helping people after natural disasters or providing interview clothes to the homeless). That way, everyone involved is paying it forward somehow.

      4. Dragoning*

        I don’t feel like it would be contribution to a site that makes money for you–as you said, the comment section isn’t really where the money is. It’s a contribution to a community here, which they are part of. You could shut this down at any time if you get tired of it, and this is people offering to help prevent losing something they enjoy.

      5. Gumby*

        Would it change the way you felt if it were less, well, laborious, labor? Is it the volume of work that feels off or just the fact of it?

        If it’s the volume, what amount of work-per-person feels ok and how many volunteers would be needed at that level? I have never been a mod so have no idea what would be needed.

        For comparison’s sake, I usher and regularly put in 1.5 – 2 hours of volunteer work (some of which is, admittedly, sitting around and waiting, but it is sitting around and waiting that we are required to do) per performance. In exchange for which I get to sit either in the back or in an alcove where we can’t even see the stage for most of the concert/show/performance (we have to stay outside until after late seating) – which is generally 1.5 to 2 hours long. This ratio of work to reward feels ok to me except for the alcove part.

      6. Bekx*

        So, I know for me, I’ve been trying to break into community management. I do some of this already with my full-time job, but being able to put moderating a site like this on a resume would be a really big plus to me. I wouldn’t feel taken advantage of as a volunteer mod because I would be directly getting some benefit out of it.

        I do like the idea of having your moderators being able to kick questionable posts back at you and then you having the final say. Then, if someone is kicking back something that shouldn’t be kicked back on, you can see the trends and determine where the gavel falls and what tweaks need to be made to the moderating guidelines.

        It may be more work at first, but hopefully after the first few months the bugs will be worked out and people will be more consistent.

      7. LurkieLoo*

        You could offer some kind of points system for moderators based on whatever criteria you think is fair (time on the site, participation in moderator discussion, etc.) and then allow moderators to “purchase” things . . . books, services (cover letter/resume review), gift cards, shout out to their businesses (advertising), etc.

        Also, if you are able to add a “report comment” button, that can help keep moderation on the less time consuming side. Moderators won’t have to go looking for potential trouble . . . other commenters can flag it.

      8. Thegs*

        Something that official video game forums I’ve been on have done is have a selection of community members with “MVP” status. They get tools to more effectively raise issues with the paid moderation team, such as jumping the report queue, a text box to describe the issue with the post instead of (or in addition to) the normal drop-down menu, that kind of stuff. So they’re less unpaid volunteers, (since reporting and ignoring rule-breaking posts should be every commenter’s community responsibility) and more people who have demonstrated good and fair judgment and are granted priority with regards to requests for moderator intervention.

      9. Blue*

        Not sure if this is feasible/useful, but would it work to hold (not show) all comments for the first say, 3 hours? It seems that the first comments tend to set the tone for the entire comments section.
        Maybe it would help to get an overall feel for that particular thread, see if a post needs more stringent moderation or if you need to shut it down entirely.

        But the comments section overall feels pretty find as is. And I think you’re doing a great job moderating!

        1. Photographer*

          Or a virtual assistant. I mean, it should be a paid job but it doesn’t have to cost a million bucks.

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yeah, in theory paid help could definitely solve it (not an intern — I’d want someone with more seasoned judgment who was going to do it for more than a few months) but the problem is justifying the expense. The comments are a labor of love for me (and sometimes a labor of frustration); they don’t contribute much to the site revenue because only a very small portion of site visitors read them. And since the comment section accounts for such a small portion of overall site usage, it’s hard to see putting substantial money into paying for moderation.

          It has occurred to me that another option is to wash my hands of moderating entirely — but I don’t think it’s at the point where no moderation is preferable to inconsistent moderation.

          1. fposte*

            Please don’t do that! In any process, random checks are better than no checks at all.

            I mean, obviously you can choose to have a life and all, but from a results standpoint, I think that could be pretty dire.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              I tend to think the same — that over time it would degenerate into something very different than it is now. But it’s crossed my mind because of the complaints I’ve been getting about inconsistency. That may just be a minority of people though, and I generally have believed that some moderation is better than no moderation. It might be that I need to more clearly lay out a … philosophy of moderation, or something like that.

              1. KarenT*

                I think you actually do an amazing job of moderation! While I have pulled back on commenting, it’s because I find it less enjoyable with all the snark and piling on, not because the comment section has devolved into a horrible place.
                Your somewhat frequent check ins and clear commenting guidelines make this a pretty clean corner of the internet!

              2. Morning Glory*

                Is it possible to add more automated rules to commenting that would cut out some problematic behaviors?

                There are some subreddits that restrict how often you can reply to other commenters to discourage one or two users from dominating the convo or to stop one or two users from getting into a fight where they are replying quickly and heatedly.

                That would not solve everything, but it could help with some of problems.

                1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  Probably not that exactly, but my tech person is looking into whether there’s a way to give me the ability to close a subthread from further comments, and a way to potentially cut people off after X number of comments on a thread (not as sure about that last one; I don’t want to cut off people with contributions of real value).

                2. Natalie*

                  @ Alison, could they connect it to time somehow? Like, if you’ve left X comments in a 15 minute span, you have to take a break?

                  In my observation, some of the more piled upon threads seem to happen when you have a handful of people who feel VERY strongly about the topic at hand, and happen to not have lunch plans or whatever that day. Someone who is rapid fire commenting all over the thread has probably contributed what they have in those first 10 comments. But if they do have additional insights, a short lockout doesn’t prevent them from coming back and making those valuable contributions later.

                3. fposte*

                  @Natalie–there was an anti-spam one like that for awhile that would block a post if you were commenting too fast (or, initially, “to fast”). I wonder if the interval on that could be tweakable and if that would help mitigate the problem. It wouldn’t completely curb last-word-itis (I speak as a sufferer myself) but it would restrict it to when blood was cooler.

                4. Annie Moose*

                  I’d suggest looking into something that prevents people from making the exact same comment multiple times throughout comments–but unfortunately, often people who are repeating themselves probably reword a little bit each time.

              3. Anon Mod*

                I think it’s worthwhile to (continue to) think through and articulate publicly your “theory of moderation” and/or the values or guidelines that you use. It can be useful for you, and for your most engaged/committed commenters.

                But, unfortunately, it likely won’t have a lot of impact on what happens on the site. Most folks aren’t going to read it, or aren’t going to remember it in the moment when they’re posting (or wondering what or how to post).

                On the group that I mod, folks are constantly surprised when we remind them of the values, guidelines, and rules. They’ve either never heard of them (although they are posted) or think that what they are doing isn’t addressed by them. It’s just human nature!

              4. Villanelle*

                I can’t leave a reply under the other comment about what your tech person is looking into.
                Sometimes, some comments leave anywhere between 9–20 replies on post. what needs said 20 times? Quality, not quantity. You can see this on posts like the one yesterday, about the CEO. By limiting comments within a certain timeframe or a limit on how many comments one person can post then it would hopefully a) improve the quality of the comments that they are leaving, not only in content but maybe cut down the +1, I agree! etc ones as well and b) stop some posters from leading the tone of the comments. Because some posters do exactly that.

                1. Qwerty*

                  I like your first suggestion of limiting the posts per timeframe. My concern with a hard limit of X posts per day is that sometimes there are meaningful discussions that are educational and I like when the OPs are able to participate with more details and updates. The timeframe option feels like a good middle ground where you just have wait it out between posts which will reduce the rapid-fire arguments and hopefully give people time to cool off between comments.

                2. Gatomon*

                  What about offloading the “I agree!” to something else? I’ve seen some platforms use stars, or on Reddit some subreddits only allow upvotes. Something akin to the old Facebook like button. That way people can express themsleves without starting long threads.

            2. Foreign Octopus*

              I agree with fposte.

              I think random checks are definitely better than no checks at all. Right now I think that the majority of commenters have been here long enough to know how you like to run things, more or less, and so you dipping in every now and then would just remind everyone.

          2. neverjaunty*

            Bluntly: it is not possible that if you take away moderation, AAM will end up being one place on the internet where unmoderated commenting actually ends up with a commentariat that is self-policing and a boon to the community and readers. That is wishful thinking.

    6. TootsNYC*

      that said–I saw a board become a very unpleasant place to be because the volunteer mod became really unpleasant and bossy. The site owner really didn’t dip in much.

      So I have some reservations. If Allison still has ultimate control, then it could work.

      1. Murphy*

        Oh yeah, I don’t think anyone’s suggesting that Allison abdicate control, but it might be easier for her if she had some help.

      2. Amber Rose*

        Basically it would mean that instead of trying to moderate all of the hundreds of comments, she could just moderate the mods. Less time consuming and frustrating.

    7. Bea*

      I have to hard steer in the other direction.

      I’m a former mod and administrator of forums dating too far back to go that deep.

      Moderators are rarely on the same page. Someone will flex their authority poorly. Someone will get exhausted and give up. It will drive a huge wedge into the group atmosphere. There will be increased drama involved.

      I’ve had groups of opinionated individuals given too much free reign and have lost actual friendships and seen groups explode spectacularly.

      Since this is a business for Alison, she shouldn’t venture into that territory without extreme caution and personally knowing the people she’s bringing in as volunteers. It’s a super sticky ugly mess that can jeopardize her income generating source.

      1. Dragoning*

        Also a “moderator” standing creates a sort of class system in the comments section–given that Alison owns the site, of course she’s in charge, but creating a level between her and “everyone else” could be an issue.

        1. Bea*

          Yes. Who holds the moderators accountable? Then Alison gets the joy of “firing” one who may have already done damage to the site’s reputation.

          This isn’t a fan forum. There’s more at stake if people abandon the blog and start to question the advice if the moderation becomes an issue.

          1. Nox*

            I am not a fan of human moderation due to personal politics that can occur. We see this already with regulars who will hijack threads till the person is pushed out and then act like they have performed a noble deed rather than have a discussion that may differ from their beliefs. Like if this was a workplace I wouldn’t feel safe working around any of them if that’s how they feel conflict should be managed.

            I’m a fan of upvote and downvotes to encourage free discourse in a constructive environment.

        3. LurkieLoo*

          The moderators would have to login and I would think it would be easy enough to use an anonymous username such as Mod1, Mod2, Mod3 that doesn’t create a class system.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        I can see how that could happen, but that wasn’t my experience, because there was one person in charge who hand-selected the first set of moderators and really established a particular culture (that wasn’t toxic), so future nominated moderators also perpetuated that healthy culture.

        But, yeah, if you just randomly select whomever volunteers, and then you don’t manage them or put in clear guidelines, it will end up like Lord of the Flies.

        1. Bea*

          No.

          We hand selected. Then they got “taken” by other loyalties that form over time.

          I’ve woken up to forums in internet flames because someone had a power trip that was rallied behind by trolls.

          These were large active groups and started out non toxic fun fests. Only to chase others into the darkness. One band ripped their entire forum down because it wasn’t worth it.

          2. Villanelle*

            ok…just because this happened to you doesn’t mean it happens to everyone. It is a valid point to make to get an overall picture but it doesn’t mean – OMG we can never do this.

          3. Slartibartfast*

            I had a very nice WoW guild that I was a part of for several years implode spectacularly one night when one founding member reminded another founding member that political discussion wasn’t allowed. Which rapidly devolved into defining the word ‘politics’, arguing semantics, implying tone…and, yeah. All because he took offense at being told what to do. Power trip that brought everything down in flames seemingly out of nowhere, but we had recently and suddenly had some exponential growth in our membership in the months prior, and all those new voices were too much to regulate. The guild completely dissolved and disbanded in 3 hours, after five years of community unity. Flameouts can happen with incredible speed.

          4. Slartibartfast*

            Which isn’t a hard no from me, but it’s a valid concern and something to seriously consider. I’m not sure what can be done proactively to prevent such an occurrence either, does anyone have ideas on that?

      3. MattKnifeNinja*

        All you need is a few bad moderators to tank a site. Even if the owner knows them personally. I’ve seen some explode like a nuclear bomb. A bad mod never believes they are doing a rotten job.

        Allison would be better off nuking the comment section. The sites I visit with heavy moderation are dying. (not social media) I would want to risk my brand image to unpaid volunteers? Who needs the hassle of worrying what an unpaid volunteer is doing? The moderators are an extension of the owner.

        Mods are great for removing spammy bot links and comments that have absolutely nothing to do with the site. The minute you start moderating for how people write, some will scream how they are being censored or the owner is x,y or z for letting the list go on like that.

        If the time spent here baby sitting the comment section cuts into the bottom line, get rid of it or pay someone to baby sit. Volunteers are fine for a hobby site, but there is too much at stake if you are paying the bills.

        I love the comment section. I’d be bummed if it left, but I would totally understand having to prioritize what brings in income.

        1. Lavender Menace*

          I wouldn’t say reddit is dying, and it has moderators on many of its largest subforums. Same thing with College Confidential – that’s a thriving website with moderators.

          I’m not saying that Alison should or shouldn’t have mods, but I contend that it isn’t true that forums/sites with moderation are ‘dying.’

      4. Lavender Menace*

        I’ve had different experiences. I’ve been moderating on different Internet forums for a long time, and currently moderate on two different forums. I’ve been in different kinds of mod groups. Some are not on the same page and devolve into conflict and tension. A few were a dream to work with. Most, honestly, have functioned like any other group of human beings – generally fine, with a few disagreements here and there.

        Moderation doesn’t automatically mean increased drama.

    8. Best cat in the world*

      Is it possible to have a couple of volunteer mods who can knock posts back into moderation for Alison’s final say as to whether it should be deleted or not? And who can step in and ‘officially’ call for a derailment to stop and things like that? The more ‘minor’ stuff that probably takes up a large proportion of the time spent moderating. I don’t know if it would be technically possible but might make it seem less like a ‘job’ for others to do to you Alison but still be useful?

      3. Hiring Mgr*

        I would like to volunteer to be the captain of the volunteers. I don’t want to do the actual moderating, but I’m fine with being in charge of the whole operation.

      4. Annie Moose*

        Alternate suggestion: a report button that throws a comment into moderation after it’s been reported enough times. Then Alison could review the “worst” ones. (ideally you’d force people to enter a reason why they’re reporting it, to add a little barrier to people just clicking “report” when they don’t like something!)

      1. strawberries and raspberries*

        I think there have been a number of recent threads that involve people saying ill-thought out things and then requesting that Alison delete their comments (and the ensuing conversations or derails), and some readers were observing that it seemed to be creating extra work for Alison and wanted to help out.

    10. Mazzy*

      Can I ask, what would you be moderating? I mean, there’s a lot of people who go down the rabbit hole of dissecting other people’s word choices and nitpicking certain comments, but there are almost never any blatant violations of the commenting rules. I never see people posting about politics on non political threads or saying anything really offensive, so I’m not sure what you’d actually be moderating. Maybe I have missed things in some common threads recently?

      1. TootsNYC*

        and if a moderator starts moderating certain comments, and OTHER word choices, then we just have more of it, no?

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        The same stuff I moderate now — rudeness/hostility, personal squabbles, significant derails, lengthy off-topic threads, politics (you may not see it because it gets removed), outright bigotry (which is fortunately the rarest of all these), etc.

        2. Sue*

          Your comment section is far and away better than others I’ve seen (admittedly not an expert but do read a fair number of comment sections) that I don’t think any major changes are needed. I disagree with the complaints!
          My one suggestion for improvement is if there was a way to quickly identify when the OP is commenting. I’m always interested in seeing those comments and sometimes they’re pretty deeply buried.
          If you want less time commitment for yourself, that’s understandable and I would urge a fix that keeps things as close to the current situation as possible.

        3. Windchime*

          Honestly, I feel like you do a good job of moderating and those people who complain about the level (“not enough!” and “too much!” and “unfair!”) can maybe just……go someplace else? I am fine with the balance. Honestly, when a post gets a ton of comments, I stop reading after the first 100 or so because it’s just different people saying the same thing over and over again. The open threads are an exception to that, and I just skip threads I’m not interested in.

    11. marmalade*

      I like the comments here on the whole, but as others said (and I expressed this upthread), I’ve come to really dislike the way that commenters speculate about the people in the letters.
      For example, some posts have had a huge amount of discussion about whether someone is potentially on the autistic spectrum, or has a (rare) health condition, or has ADHD, etc.
      Yes not everyone is neurotypical or in perfect physical health, and it’s good to acknowledge that every now and then, but these discussions are almost always derailing from the issue. Even if there is some condition affecting the behaviour described in a letter, that behaviour still happened, and most of the time the potential condition wouldn’t change the advice anyway.

      Alison, I’ve noticed you shutting this down more, and sometimes trying to preempt it by asking that we not speculate about X and Y. I appreciate that a lot! Thank you!

    12. Givemeabreak*

      It seems super unethical for someone to make money off a site and use unpaid labor to moderate it.

    13. Not my real name*

      I have been reading and commenting here for years; I don’t think there is a way to solve these complaints other than letting them roll off your back. The only other option is a paid assistant. Any other option is simply allowing the problem to get bigger and be more frustrating for you. This can’t be solved by crowd sourcing. I think you have four basic types of AAM followers.

      1. Regular internet consumers: they may be “regulars” or people who come across specific posts when they are googling something. They may or may not participate in the comment section but overall they take it or leave it because they know it’s the internet.

      2. The “in crowd”. These are the regular readers and posters who seem….so personally invested in this site. They refer to the group as “we” and try to mini-moderate and tone police and are basically your (Alison’s) white knights. They think of this place as their home, spend TONS of time here, apologize profusely is they disagree with your advice, defend any criticism (real or perceived) against you with excessive zeal and have an almost hive mind about certain topics; dissent is barely tolerated.

      3. The out crowd- these are regular posters who are not particularly well liked by the “ins” and who are judged hyper critically until they are run off or they change their user names. There are varying degrees of “outness” but it is a noticeable faction none the less.

      4. The Hate Readers- they post here and elsewhere about here and can have a lot of trolling behavior. They may formally or currently be part of the out crowd. I think they probably encourage or at least cheer on the discontent because they find it amusing and they discuss it at length in other forums. They have favorite “characters” from the ins and outs and participate in elaborate fan fiction and exaggerated complaining about “common themes”. Note, they are sometimes right, but they are also wrong a lot.

      Your biggest problems are 2 and 3 and since they are diametrically opposed to each other, you will never succeed in finding a middle ground that satisfies both of them.

      So, if i were you, and I’m not, but if I were, I would probably stop reacting to the complaints because I think the reactions actually rile everyone up. It give the 2’s the positive feedback that they are part of a “we” with you and an outsized sense of self importance and for the 4’s, it just gives them more reason to continue to press the issue for their own entertainment.

      TLDR; you are contributing to the complaints by validating them instead of just moderating in a way that makes sense for you and your business.

      2. FD*

        While I don’t 100% agree, I do think there’s something to this analysis.

        I think at a certain point, you may need to decide exactly what you want the comments to be as well. Earlier in the site’s history, it was more of a community (I’m not saying this as a ‘good old days’ statement–it was smaller and less well known and a lot of commentors simply got to know each other because there weren’t that many). It was niche enough at that point that it tended to attract people that were similar in general (e.g. I would suggest that a lot of the longer-time readers tend to be see work as a larger part of their identity than the average).

        The thing is that the comments are now at the size where that’s necessarily true anymore, because it’s gotten large enough and popular enough that you’re seeing a better cross-section of people in general.

        So, the question is, do you WANT to continue to maintain that community feel? Because realistically, communities are generally formed on the basis of some similarities, in attitudes, in approach, etc. If people don’t feel that group cohesion in some way, they will stop seeing it as a community. People call that ‘group think’ or ‘exclusion’, but I don’t think it has to be a per se negative thing. All communities set standards, and most develop general beliefs and theories over time. People that don’t like the standard, or who don’t agree with the beliefs/theories of the group tend to leave.

        If you choose to maintain the community, you probably need to have some sort of moderation system, because the site volume will only continue to grow, and you will probably struggle to maintain the cohesiveness you started with.

        However, it is also valid to decide that you would rather not maintain it as a community, but would rather let it be more disparate. I do think you will probably lose some of your long-time commentors over time, because many of them came for the community rather than just for the advice itself.

        So to a certain degree, you might want to consider–how much does it matter to YOU that it feels like a community and/or that you have commentors that are really invested in the site? What makes you feel most satisfied? Is it more knowing that your advice has reached so many people, or is it more the connections you’ve made with individuals on this site? Or perhaps something else?

        1. Lavender Menace*

          I work in and do research on online community formation (as part of my day job, I mean). Places that allow comments or other forms of interaction will form communities regardless of whether the creators curate/manage that or not. The difference, though, is that if creators choose not to moderate/curate/guide the community, they don’t have much control over where the community goes – and it’s much harder to course correct than it is to start one from the beginning.

          I think it’s a valid choice for people who create content to decide not to steer a community in a specific way. Some people just want to create content. But I think it’s important for those content creators to realize that choosing not to doesn’t mean that the people who come here will be “more disparate.” It just means that a community will form without their explicit guidance or input for how it goes.

          I’d argue that Alison hasn’t done that – her commenting rules, for example, set a tone for the way people interact with each other. Even the way that she posts and the tone she takes when answering questions sets the tone for the way she expects people to act here.

      3. Lavender Menace*

        Hm, this is interesting.

        I think the characterization of #2 is a little reductionist. There are plenty of regular readers who are personally invested in the site but do not engage in the kind of behavior you listed (mini-moderate, tone police, etc.) A lot of the regulars regularly disagree with Alison’s advice and/or give a different perspective on it, and I’ve seen some really good discussions involving regular readers in which lots of people have different opinions.

        I do believe that there is a small subset of regular readers who are personally invested in engaging in these kinds of behaviors…that’s par for the course for Internet personalities, though. (Not saying it should pass without comment; just saying it’s not unique to this blog. I actually think it’s less intense here than it is on, say, YouTube.) I do agree about the hive mind thing, though, particularly on certain topics.

        The rest of them, though…I think there’s something to that.

    14. Phoenix Programmer*

      Honestly before moderation I would prefer spell check and/or an edit button. A like button to reduce the “this!” comments.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Okay Not My Real Name. Trying to figure out if I am a 1 or a 2. I really appreciated your analysis and my take was that the comments section isn’t broken. When commenters seem off the rails, I stop reading.

        1. Not my real name*

          Ha! Well I think just like in “real” life, there are outliers and people who fall partly into more than one category.

      2. Annie Moose*

        The problem with edit buttons is that people can reword what they said maliciously, to make it look like everyone responding is overreacting, or just generally to confuse matters. I think the best edit buttons are time-limited, where you can fix spelling mistakes or reword things for the first five minutes or so, but then the post is locked.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      I am not seeing a huge problem, but that is probably because I am not able to spend as much time reading as I used to. However the one thing I am noticing is the frequency of these types of threads (this one with over 110 comments) talking about the problems and what to do here. It’s probably just coincidental, but I think I am seeing more of this type of post than I am seeing than the actual posts that people are complaining about.

      I dunno. Just my opinion, but I think there is a tipping point where the frequency of talking about the problem almost becomes part of the problem itself.

      And I am disheartened by comments regarding the use of the word “we”. I know I use it a lot and I mean it in the context of anyone reading here. I think I have read enough of other people’s comments to believe that when most commenters say “we” they mean everyone also. I am not sure what we would do to help people not to feel excluded. If anyone has actionable steps/ideas, I would be happy to read that.

    16. Lavender Menace*

      I will second this – that modding for a for-profit company isn’t necessarily exploitative. I am a volunteer moderator on two different forums run by two different for-profit businesses. I volunteer because I really love the forums and the information that’s dispensed in those places. It doesn’t feel exploitative to me; there are enough moderators on each that I can come and go as I please and don’t feel pressured to be around more than I already would be if I wasn’t modding (which was every day before I even started). I also know that I can leave whenever I want.

      I think this blog is in the same place, where it’s so beloved by many of the regulars that there are lots of people who would love to be a mod here – would jump at the chance to maintain the community that they already spend hours on every day.

      1. Not my real name*

        I contend that the regulars who would want to volunteer are part of the problem. How about everyone stops telling Alison what “we” should do and let her run her business?

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          tl;dr: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it–and mostly AAM seems pretty fine to me as is.

          longer version:
          I want to emphasize the self-regulating mechanisms of the AAM comments. If posts are interesting, I’ll read. If they are boring or annoying, I will scroll down to the next thread, or stop reading entirely.

          What no moderator can control is the issue of each commenter’s available time and energy on any given day or weekend. Heck, sometimes it’s a mystery to each commenter also. :-D

          I don’t post much during the week because I don’t feel right about logging in from work and outside of work I don’t have much free time (because commuting, family, sleep, self-care and minimal housework). On the weekends my participation varies inversely depending on my real-world, bricks-and-mortar activities and obligations.

          I really appreciate the tone of kindness towards internet strangers and try to model my own responses in similar fashion: less complaining, more positivity. It’s helpful when people share their own experiences and observations; I try to do the same without submitting a wall of text (ha? ha!) in each comment.

          Much as I enjoy humor I’ve learned to go lightly because there are so many dangers to fall into (snark, snideness, disdain, outright hostility) even without any negative intentions. Foot in mouth is as much a hazard online as in the s0-called real world.

        2. Anonymous Celebrity*

          I agree with you, Not My Real Name. I like the comments section as-is. Sure, sometimes things get nit-picky or repetitious or speculative, or too PC for my taste, but I like the diversity of comments. My concern with the folks clamoring to be moderators is that they want to weed out comments they don’t agree with, or that have a “tone” they don’t approve of.

          If I don’t like the way a thread is going, I scroll past it. It’s easy. This is one of the most civilized, and civil, comments sections I’ve ever read. Allison, I vote for no moderators.

          1. Arts Akimbo*

            Agreed. I have been lurking on this site for years now and have read the archives back since the very beginning, and this is the first discussion that has prompted me to delurk.

            I like the comments section here, and I like it now more than ever. I love the growth that has occurred over the years, and it would be a shame to have it stifled just because some people don’t like certain discussions. That’s what scrolling past is for! I think this commenting section is extremely respectful on the whole, and when they’re not, I’ve seen it get called out. (That includes people calling each other out for piling on unpopular commenters.) I like the line that Allison has drawn and the way it is currently maintained.

            People are talking about in-crowds and out-crowds and… I just think it’s people being people. I don’t see anything toxic here, and I love that people here are largely willing to examine their own behavior for toxicity. But sure, in any group situation, some people are going to agree and some will disagree, and I don’t think that’s necessarily any indication of some overarching trend toward collapse.

            (I have been a mod on a 1000-member group, and am currently one on a 5000-member group. I do *not* volunteer! ;) )

  9. Not a Unicorn*

    So I’m trying to figure out how best to do this. I’m enrolling part-time in a local community college for an associates degree starting in January (I currently already have a bachelors but in an unrelated field). So I basically have 2 questions:

    I want to do internships and I know some of the big companies I’m eyeing are already posting them with the requirement that one must be a college student. Would it be ok to apply to them now with me noting that I will be in college again before the internship starts (say in the summer)?

    Also, how to write this on my resume? As noted I have a bachelor degree already but in X field while the associates degree is in Y and more related to what I want to do now. Should I put it above the bachelor degree on my resume? Thanks!

    1. Less Bread More Taxes*

      Definitely put it above! It’s more recent AND more relevant. I’d say something like “Example Community College, anticipated graduation June 2021”.

    2. Tara S.*

      I would shoot an email to internships you are interested in to clarify if it’ll work, or maybe the internship coordinator/admin, if your community college has one.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      Generally, the highest degree tends to go first, but in your case the associate’s degree would go first as the most recent and relevant to what you’re pursuing now.

    4. Junegemini*

      Check the internship requirements with the companies, you might need a certain number of credit hours completed before you can be considered for the internship. And since you aren’t enrolled, you really aren’t a college student, that could be a sticking point. Yes, you plan to enroll part-time but what if you don’t. Also, reviewing the internship requirements for your college program.

      1. Not a Unicorn*

        Actually the enrollment is already 90% done. Been in the works for awhile and just waiting to talk to advisor to set out a schedule starting Jan. so all good there :) Also yes, I am scrutinizing each internship requirements to make sure I match all of them before I’d apply.

  10. Nervous Accountant*

    Ok so this is kind of really vague and more general but question on my mind–what flaws/shortcomings is a manager or employee allowed to have while still being considered a “good” manager/employee?

    1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      For the most part, I think it has less to do with what kind of flaws they are, but rather how they’d handled or compensated for. No one is perfect, but knowing your shortcomings and actively working to overcome them counts for a lot.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I like that–it’s not the mistake, it’s how you are working to fix that mistake.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I’d say anything that isn’t illegal or blatantly immoral, that doesn’t harm the bottom line of the company or mission of the school/org, and that the employee or manager is willing to admit to and work on.

    3. KMB213*

      For me, it’s not a question of what flaws, but a question of severity of flaws, willingness to acknowledge flaws, and willingness to correct flaws.

      For example, I’ve worked with people who are imprecise in their verbal communication before. If the person is still generally clear but not precise, knows this, and writes a quick and clear e-mail confirming the details after in-person communication, it goes a long way toward mitigating that shortcoming. (This goes whether it’s someone I’m supervising, a manager, or a peer.)

      I also think it depends on the role. Someone who has trouble being exactly on time would be a poor fit for a client-facing role – you don’t want to be late to meetings with clients. But, that same person would be fine in a role where the work is all self-directed, when being there at a precise time doesn’t matter. Of course, if someone roles in at noon everyday when she is supposed to be in at 9:00, that’s going to be a problem either way, since coworkers may need her for something. But, if she gets there at 9:05, in many jobs that wouldn’t be an issue, but it likely would be if there was a client meeting at 9:00.

    4. Enough*

      I think this is very subjective as every manager or employee will have different ideas on what is a shortcoming.

      1. NicoleK*

        This. My coworker is incompetent at 50% of her job, but people love her and think she’s doing an a great job. Our boss doesn’t seem to have any problem with the fact that coworker is only great at 50% of her job.

        1. Sloan Kittering*

          This may make total sense if that 50% she’s good at is hard to staff and valuable, and they could hire others to cover for the other 50%.

        2. MissDisplaced*

          I’ve known a lot of sales people like that. They’re great at the 50% of their job that is sales/client relations but absolutely suck at follow-up, documentation and just about everything else. One person could not even ‘operate a spreadsheet’ in Excel. And yet all was forgiven because they brought in business.

          1. Sloan Kittering*

            That makes sense though. You can probably hire an admin to take over the documentation a lot easier than you can hire a good sales person – it’s a rarer skill. And if your business is trying to move product, it’s the sale that’s paying your bills. (Of course, most places I’ve worked never do hire that admin, they just keep terrible terrible records and live in a state of chaos – but that’s the choice they’re making).

          2. Someone Else*

            I’ve worked with sales people like this also. They make tons of sales…on paper order forms. IT spends a disproportion amount of time teaching and reteaching them to do things like….log in to Windows. Or…close a window on screen, not exit the application, just close one window in it without exiting…nope…wait – don’t click there…aaaa…let’s start over.
            Being on the IT side it was reallllllllly rough to understand how they kept those jobs. But apparently if 9/10 sales people do everything in the (computerized) sales system with ease, but that 10th person makes 50% of the sales, the computer illiteracy is forgiven.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        And every job. Some jobs you can be lax about details, especially if you’re otherwise excellent; other jobs that quality means you need to be fired.

        Thinking here of a previous thread and how a good trial lawyer can be bad at details, but a legal assistant whose job it is to catch details can’t.

        1. Sloan Kittering*

          Yes absolutely. In my nonprofit world, managers are often unprecise and messy about details in a way that assistants or coordinators could not be. That is why the managers hire assistants and coordinators, and in general they are still considered excellent managers even if they are never on top of their inbox/ are late to everything / never remember the purple widgets or whatever. Many of them here don’t even have subject matter expertise. What they need to be great at is usually communication, vision, and oversight/motivation of lower employees.

    5. Bea*

      It depends on what and who they’re managing.

      I’ve had production managers who are loud and gruff but generally good managers otherwise.

      My bosses have eventually all been sparse. I know it drives others mad not to have them easily accessible. I just text or call if it’s important. Others are frustrated because that’s a step they think shouldn’t exist.

      I’ve had stubborn managers. Managers with a language barrier. And it’s about how flexible and adaptive the crew is. They are great at their job because their job is to get X done and they get it done. Some personalities will just clash and hate their style.

      It’s about the majority vote in that sense.

    6. Trisha*

      I am a very flawed manager and yet those who report to me (and formerly) consider me a good manager. It took me years to realize why. I’m human, I make mistakes, I forget stuff, I pick and choose my battles with other departments, I forget to communicate sometimes, other times I over share, I slack off sometimes, I act too friendly or too cold sometimes….the list of my shortcomings is long. :o)

      However, I treat employees like human beings, I don’t expect perfection from them, Family comes first as does their health, I’ve got their backs when other departments come down on us, I encourage them to be their best, to find parts of the job that they love, like or just prefer. I deal with good stuff, bad stuff and everything in between. I’ll have difficult conversations even though they make me uncomfortable. I want them to succeed and be happy.

      It’s not about flaws or shortcomings, it’s about your overall performance and your big picture view.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        This is so true. People are great at overlooking things if most things go okay and don’t turn into a big drama/meltdown. Basically if a person becomes known as a boss who tries to be fair that will carry the person through a lot of situations. The key is to be fair, day after day, after day……..

    7. Jillociraptor*

      The flaw I’m not able to “forgive” in an employee or a manager is unwillingness to take personal responsibility for their work. I’ve worked with people (including managers) in huge stretch roles who were really not getting the content of their work down, but the ones who showed up every day ready to learn from what they didn’t get right the day before are worth my investment of time and patience. The ones who blamed others, blamed circumstances, or just plain didn’t take it seriously that they weren’t getting the job done yet, immediately lost credibility and respect.

    9. LilySparrow*

      I think attitude and fit have a lot to do with it, too.

      One of my best bosses had a reputation for being impatient, demanding, brusque, condescending, and hard to work with.

      I found that a lot of that was a cultural and “coding” issue, in that his direct, brief communication style was not typical in our region (southern US), but very normal in the region I used to live (New York). He was demanding, in that he wanted a very high level of polish and presentation, not only in client work but in everyday details. He was trying to push the company out of a middling market level and position it in a high-end “boutique” niche.

      On the other hand, he was extremely consistent in what he wanted. Easy to please, as long as you understood what he was going for and were willing to put the energy into it.

      I got him, and yeah he could be a PITA sometimes. I wouldn’t want to hang with him socially, but in a working relationship we got along great.

      Everyone else at my level loathed him.

    10. LGC*

      Oh man, I really wanted to reply to this SO badly earlier, but I needed a keyboard because I’m going to go hard.

      So I skimmed over a lot of the comments, and I feel like it’s HUGELY subjective and it’s a matrix of things. Basically, it’s whether the flaws are significant enough to outweigh the value the employee or manager brings, and that’s a REALLY subjective judgment.

      I’ll use myself as an example, because it’s probably the least contentious example. (Although, this requires me to evaluate myself, which is REALLY hard to do!) I’m naturally an introvert, and further I’m really sensitive to noise so I’ve constantly got headphones on. I can get frustrated with employees and coworkers – in fact, I got reprimanded last week for something I said in an announcement. (It was telling my team to “shut up.” I meant it jokingly, but it was still wrong.) I don’t like confrontation, except when I get things into my head and I go on the warpath. And I’m primarily a shift supervisor.

      All of these traits are not great, and things I’m working on. (Except the headphones. Those are a part of me.)

      But also…like, I try to treat my teams like they’re adults (despite their efforts to convince me otherwise). I try to be open to hearing criticism from people about things, and try to find problems to solutions where I’m empowered to. I personally believe that my team is the most important part of the team (to be quite honest, they’re the ones that do the actual work), so I want to make them feel as valued as I can (which is pretty hard for a low-level supervisor!). And I try not to apply pressure to my teams unless necessary. And it shows – not to toot my own horn, but I’m one of the more popular supervisors/managers in the company. And I get results as well.

      Further, I’ve branched out into billing, reporting, and data analytics, and I’m getting better at that sort of stuff. And on top of that, I’m basically a third IT person at this point – I can figure out most issues on my own, and know how to fix them. (And I know when IT really needs to be called!)

      If I had to evaluate myself or someone like myself…I’d be on the fence. The supervisor would seemingly have deficiencies in key functions – he doesn’t have his full attention focused on his team, he’s snippy at times (hey, I actually used snippy to describe a guy!), and he’s not necessarily a “people person” in the traditional sense. But he also is pretty good at getting buy-in to the team, apparently, and he puts out deliverables. Plus, he’s got somewhat unique skills – he actually enjoys some administrative tasks (like reports), and he’s good at technical things (which is actually great for the kind of work we do, where our systems…have quite a few failure points). And it kind of shows in my performance reviews – I generally get satisfactory-good (so like 3.5/5), and my bosses have explicitly told me that they almost never give out 5’s on performance reviews to begin with.

      I’m really flawed, and I don’t know if I want to be a manager. But also, I try to cover for my flaws by being great in a lot of other places.

  11. ACDC*

    My boss is a “consultant” for a MLM essential oil business on the side. Since my first week with the company (almost a year ago) she began pressuring me to sign up under her. She even made an account for me and paid the enrollment fees (!). Since then, she’s invited me to numerous “oil parties” at her house, used my time at work to schedule meetings with me to talk about her MLM products/promotions/whatever, and has texted me monthly reminders to get my order in. She’ll even give me free products and samples at work as “rewards for a job well done.” Obviously this has crossed all of the professional boundaries known to man, and I didn’t speak up soon enough because she’s my boss and I just started at the company so didn’t want to rock the boat in any way. I’m tired of this though and I don’t know how to get out of it without making things weird.

    HELP?????!!!!

    2. soupmonger*

      Why can’t you just thank her for including you up to now, but tell her you’re not interested? Why would that make things weird?

      1. ACDC*

        She takes things very personally and often refers to me as “her child” and other inappropriate things like that. She also tends to be very passive aggressive when something doesn’t go her way.

        Sorry, probably should have included that context in my original comment!

        1. The Ginger Ginger*

          Ohhhhh no. Can you, I don’t know, fake an allergy or something? Phrase it as, “I’ve found that these really bother my allergies, and I don’t think that’s going to help build interest in these oils/look good for your business, so I have to bow out going forward”?

          I don’t typically advocate fibbing, but if boss is unreasonable, all bets are off. Otherwise, I think you need to involve HR if you have one and they are reasonable.

          1. Parenthetically*

            With someone this high pressure, she is 1000% going to come back with, “Well you MAY have found you’re allergic to INFERIOR QUALITY essential oils, but with Lab Certified Pure 100% Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils TM, you CAN’T be allergic, soooooo…”

            As expensive as oils are, I’d just say it’s not in the budget.

            1. Natalie*

              I think since she’s trying to sign the OP up as a consultant, though, she’s likely to reject that excuse as well. After all, everyone who signs up for an MLM makes money, it’s a science fact! *Science facts may not be factual.

            3. Waiting for the Sun*

              Yes! The essential oils MLMs probably have a special hypoallergenic line specifically so people can’t use this excuse.
              Plus, people who push MLMs often move from one product to another when (surprise) being a consultant for Product A doesn’t make them oodles of money and the ability to retire their husbands. In a few months she may switch to some other product, like cookware, for which you can’t use an allergy excuse. Better to end it with too busy/not in my budget/don’t want to mix work and side hustles.
              You have my sympathies. Good luck!

          2. ElspethGC*

            I know several people with migraines triggered by essential oils. Even besides actual migraines, headaches can also be triggered by the same oils that soothe them in other people. Claiming fake allergies is a pretty serious thing, and I know people who were adversely affected because of previous encounters with fake allergies. Saying oils trigger headaches and sometimes migraines is a common one, though – and possibly not a complete falsehood, because in my experience everyone has at least one scent that triggers a headache.

        2. Natalie*

          In that situation your best bet might be acting a little passive and vague until she gives up – “Oh, I’m really busy, I’m sorry I can’t join you!” I honestly wouldn’t bother telling her any specific criticisms. Even the most reasonable people who get sucked into an MLM don’t usually want to hear facts, and she’s already shown herself to be pretty unreasonable.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, that’s what I’d go with. A regretful “Sorry, I can’t make it work this time” every single time. While job-searching.

        3. Jenn*

          It sounds like you’re never going to find the ‘magic’ words to make her react like a calm, level-headed adult, so why not just say what you want to now and start setting the boundary?

          1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

            I recommend watching John Oliver’s segment on MLM’s. Very therapeutic and boundary-strengthening.

        4. Friday afternoon fever*

          New job?

          Definitely there are many factors that you should consider that aren’t in your post, so I don’t know for sure that you should start job searching.

          But if your boss is inappropriate and passive aggressive, and you don’t see that changing, you should consider whether you want to start looking for a new job. Year at the company is definitely enough time to move on if you like.

          If you do want to stay with the company it may be helpful for commenters to know more about the org structure — ie what options or other higher level people resources you have if your boss escalates anything (marketing or her behavior) after you ask to be excluded from future MLM.

          1. ACDC*

            Definitely might be time for new job. It’s a really small nonprofit, about 8 full time employees. To add to the dysfunction, our ED is my boss’s husband, and boss is the 2nd highest ranking employee at the org. It’s a mess.

            1. Friday afternoon fever*

              WHEW. New job time!!!

              In the meantime, I really like the suggestion of vaguely apologetic brush-offs that don’t give her much ground to push back on your excuses. Some suggestions below that … may not work if your boss is actually an infant —

              she’s invited me to numerous “oil parties” at her house (grosss)
              = “Sorry, I have a prior commitment, but have fun!”

              used my time at work to schedule meetings with me to talk about her MLM products/promotions/whatever
              = If you need to talk to her about other things — “Before you start I had a question about X-Work-Thing that I was hoping we could address”
              = If you need the time to get other work done — “Sorry, I’m really wrapped up in X-Work-Thing, can we table this for another time?” If she says no, you must attend her essential oil pitch meeting at this moment, you can be politely matter-of-fact about how this will impact your ability to get your work done on time. (framed like, “OK, we will need to move the deadline back for X though so that I have enough time to complete it, does that sound OK?” — i.e., of COURSE you want to come to her essential oil pitch meetings, you just want to make sure all the rest of your work is taken care of so you can give her all of your attention; as your manager can she help you balance these two equally important parts of your workload?)
              = If she truly will not let you bow out of these meetings …. at least you’re at work, so you’re getting paid for it! If she wants to pay you to listen to her pitch, then start considering it one of your core job duties to sit there and smile and tune out everything she says.

              has texted me monthly reminders to get my order in.
              = If this is phrased as a question, you could respond with something like “Sorry, it’s not in my budget this month!” If this is phrased as a statement/reminder, you could try ignoring it and if she follows up then say “Oh, I saw that! Unfortunately it’s not in my budget this month.”

              She’ll even give me free products and samples at work as “rewards for a job well done.”
              = “Thanks, that’s so generous! I still have some samples from last [month/week/hour], do you want to keep these to give to someone else?” If she insists you take them, do so, smile, thank her, and take great pleasure in throwing them away the instant you get home.

              And job search. (A lot of the “going along with it for now” advice is stuff you can really only stay sane doing if you know you are looking for other jobs and this is temporary.) Best of luck.

              2. MissDisplaced*

                Good suggestions! I am not a fan of lying or being misleading such as saying allergies. Better to be more direct with “Sorry, I’m really not interesting in participating in the MLM oils business.” Keep repeating.

                1. Friday afternoon fever*

                  If this were the first time ACDC had been pitched to, or if their boss wasn’t as passive aggressive as it sounds like they are, then I agree that something direct like you suggested would be the way to go. But I think in these circumstances (a year of pitches + a frustratingly behaved boss) there is an argument to be made for being more delicate while working on an exit plan

              3. Camellia*

                has texted me monthly reminders to get my order in.
                = If this is phrased as a question, you could respond with something like “Sorry, it’s not in my budget this month!” If this is phrased as a statement/reminder, you could try ignoring it and if she follows up then say “Oh, I saw that! Unfortunately it’s not in my budget this month.”

                I would stay away from ‘not in my budget’ because that opens the door to “Fantastic! If you join my MLM you will have PLENTY of money!”

                I would stick with “Sorry, not this time.”

        5. blackcat*

          I think you might be in “Your boss sucks and isn’t going to change” territory.
          Any chance of a new position within the company?
          How long were you at your last job? If it was a while, I’d aim to jump ship around the 18 month mark.

        6. Rhiiiiiiannnnnnnon*

          I’m not a fan of lying, but if her personality won’t accept a firm “no thank you,” then I would keep the focus on excuses outside of your control. Like fiances: “I’m sorry I’m saving up for X, Y, Z, and I’m not able to make any extra purchases right now.” Or maybe you suddenly develop an allergy to these products. “I’m sorry, I started having a bad reaction to the oils, I’m going to detox my body for a bit and not use anything.”

      2. Sabine the Very Mean*

        Not the LW but boss has already made it weird and doesn’t seem all that reasonable considering the lines she’s already crossed. I’d be terribly worried about increased cray-cray.

    3. ContentWrangler*

      This is so over the line of professional boundaries, especially since she’s using work time to try to drum up money for her side job. I think you probably have to politely (because she’s your boss) but firmly state that you are not interested in the MLM and don’t want to talk about it at work. If she schedules a meeting with you and tries to go into MLM mode, redirect to a real work issue or question.

      Unfortunately, this is such bad behavior and has been going on for a year, that I worry she won’t stop after you ask – in that case, I think you should go to her supervisor or HR. She is using time they are paying her to work to harass her employees into giving her money. Any decent company would put a stop to that immediately.

    4. The Ginger Ginger*

      I’d start with a single, firm but vague, “I am no longer able to participate in anything re: the essential oils. Please remove any account in my name (WTF?!), and don’t continue to ask me for orders.” If she tries to pressure or ask why just – “I’m sorry; it’s no longer possible for me to participate.” If that doesn’t work, well….Do you have HR? Because I think this might be the time for them.

      1. ACDC*

        Sadly we don’t have HR! The Executive Director is, in theory, who I would go to with those sorts of issues… BUT, Our ED is my boss’s husband, and boss is the 2nd highest ranking employee at the nonprofit. If you’re on the outs with one of them, your on the outs with both of them.

        I’ve been slowly coming to the idea that it might be time to job search…

        1. samiratou*

          Oh, I didn’t see your reply. That’s..messy.

          Yeah, your boss sucks and isn’t going to change, so I’d start job searching.

        2. The New Wanderer*

          Sorry, I think a new job might be your only option. Referring to you as her “child” is really not okay. But worse, setting up an MLM account in your name? There’s no way she could get away with that in an organization with a decent HR, but I seriously doubt her husband will step in and correct this.

          Good luck on the job search and get out ASAP!

        3. RickTq*

          Is the board active/engaged or a rubber stamp for the ED? If they are active you might want to bring this unprofessional behavior of both the ED and his wife to their attention.

          If her MLM activities are bleeding over into external meetings that would look very bad for the organization.

          1. ACDC*

            Sadly the board is incredibly passive. About half of them have been on the board for decades. Only 1-2 board members have business experience, the remaining 10 or so are community members from the demographic our organization serves. Not saying there is anything wrong with that, but it doesn’t prove to be the most productive use of a board in my opinion. (PS This is the only place I’ve ever worked with a BoD, so appreciative of any comments to negate my conception about what a BoD’s purpose, etc. is!)

            The person previously in my position went to the board when the wife was hired on and felt like she (previous employee) was getting slowly pushed out of her position because of the nepotism. She got fired about a month later for “insubordination.” Crazy town…

        4. MillersSpring*

          How about, “I feel awkward, because I really like working for you, but I’m not interested in participating in businesses on the side. It’s a boundary that I want to maintain. I appreciate your support in my office role. I hope we can continue our strong working relationship!”

          Then get out ASAP.

      2. samiratou*

        Agreed. Be polite, but firm, but if she continues then you need to escalate to HR or her boss. If it were my report doing something like this I would flip. So, so not OK.

    5. LouAnn*

      You can’t control how your boss reacts, but you can professionally, clearly, kindly, politely state and enforce a boundary. (If you don’t know how to do this, it’s a good skill to develop, that will serve you in many places in life.) And if your boss doesn’t respond well, you can make a choice about whether to escalate the new issue (to your boss’ boss and/or HR, if available) and/or whether to take it as information about whether you want to stay in the job.

    6. Bea*

      Arrrrrrgh it’s like a cult. She’s been brainwashed and will not see reason until she decides to question the validity.

      I would just tell her that you’re not interested in continuing and NEVER order anything.

      The sample gifts will never cease. Just throw them away.

    7. AMA Long-time Lurker*

      Yikes – this may be a bigger issue than you think it is! If your boss is using company time to promote her personal business, so may be in violation of HR policy. Many companies explicitly state that employees can only perform minimal personal business on company time, and mine even states that any business that actually makes you MONEY is prohibited. Furthermore, she is using her position of power to try to unduly influence her employees, which is unethical. I would report this to HR ASAP, regardless of how long you’ve been there.

    8. Purple Jello*

      Just a thought… if she set you up as a consultant without your permission, you may want to notify the MLM company, especially if you’ve never placed an order. She’s falsified your consent, possibly used your social security number to create the account. I think they’d want to know this. I can see that you might want to wait until you’re out from under her management, but I would seriously consider doing this.

      1. ACDC*

        She didn’t set me up as a consultant (thank goodness!), just set me up as a “loyalty member” or whatever they call it. It was weird… When I asked her why she did that, she said “well I did the same thing for my daughter who’s your age and I figured you would like it too!”

        1. Roja*

          Ahhh yeah, depending on the company, that might be basically the same thing. Between AAM and a large FB group I’m a part of, there are enough stories about employers using employee information to sign them up to make one really wary. Usually in this case they’re ordering stuff using your name to boost their own numbers. You may or may not ever even see an invoice or have any idea what they’re ordering, but it’s boosting their numbers regardless. I can’t remember whether it was here or elsewhere, but in that case the employer actually stole the employee’s SSN and financial info from the company database to sign them up, which is illegal. IIRC the employee found out because of a stray email received from the company, so they talked to the police and informed them that they didn’t want to press charges but could they just give the employer a stern talking-to… which they did, and the fraud stopped.

          Sorry, but I’ve seen too many of these stories to be optimistic that it’s going to end well… might just be new job time. :/ Sellers just get SO persistent.

        2. Waiting for the Sun*

          (Based on your username)
          “Havin’ trouble with the company head, she’s giving you the blues.
          Wants to push her MLM junk – she needs some concrete shoes!”
          Sorry, couldn’t resist. Happy Friday!

    9. MLMs Not Welcome Here*

      Ugh. I’ve been on the receiving end of the essential oil MLM pushers myself. Unfortunately, your only option is to be pretty up front about not wanting to participate. It’s easier to do at the beginning rather than after you’ve been sucked in, but consider this a lesson learned for future use.

      For now, you’re going to need to tell your boss that you’re sorry, but you have to back away from participating in the essential oils life. You don’t need to make up some story as she’ll find a way to see through and may be more offended. You can tell her something like it’s using up too much of your personal time, and it’s stressing you out….you need to focus on the work you were hired to do because you have career ambitions (feel free to list them here)….or you have some family/personal commitments you need to focus energy on…the cost is too high and you’re just not seeing a return on investment and you can’t afford to keep it up. She’ll push you on this stuff because it’s how she makes money – keep that in mind. You should really back out before getting more entrenched in the MLM.

    10. valentine*

      Get a new job and, before you give notice, do whatever you can to close the account, even going around her in the MLM. You want to limit their use of your name, especially if the scheme results in lawsuits. I’m assuming you’ve done zero snake-oil selling and the products are a reward for your actual job, in which case, look into whether their value is subject to income tax. She’s going to argue against any reason you give her, but, especially with saying you can’t afford it, I’d be worried she’ll solve that by embroiling you in further fraud, only via the nonprofit. The child stuff is gross. I hope ED doesn’t cosign.

      1. Bunny Girl*

        The usual! People keep taking things that don’t belong to them (like drinks for a lunch with an external client) even though they are labeled, and being gross and not cleaning up after themselves. The grad students and faculty seem to expect the staff to clean up after them, even though it’s been made clear that it’s a) not our jobs and b) that none of the staff ever really use the break room.

        So after an especially bad week, we talked to the department head and they said we could limit the hours that people were allowed in the break room to see if that improved anything. So we unlocked it from 11am-1pm. Oh my god, you would have thought we committed a war crime. I had someone get up in my face about it. (Btw, our faculty and over half of our students have keys to that room so it wasn’t a huge deal). So at the end of the day, our department head said maybe that wasn’t a good idea and asked us to put up signs telling people that they were adults and to stop stealing things and clean up after themselves. The staff have totally washed their hands of it. We’ve all agreed to stop even our occasional use of the break room and we’re just never going in there. Our goal is to get it condemned.

        1. Tara S.*

          There was a to-do when we switched over to having the office kitchen always locked (anyone who works here can key-card in), but it’s been SO much better as far as cutting down on theft and decreasing (though not eliminating) the needed cleanup. I’m sorry your boss is back-peddling, if they can weather the storm these things usually blow over eventually.

          1. Bunny Girl*

            We briefly talked about doing a key card thing. The biggest issue actually isn’t our department. It’s supposed to be our room and other departments use it and we’ve honestly found them to be the biggest culprits. But yes I’ve developed a “not my circus” approach to it. Someone approached me the other day and said that the break room was really dirty and I replied “yes it is! I wish people would pay more attention and be more respectful of a shared space” and just walked off.

        2. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

          Oh yeah, that solution (locking it) wasn’t going to end well. And for reference the notes are just going to be mocked and ignored.

          About the only thing you can all do is learn to live with it or as you have wash your hands of the whole thing.

          Learn to love this phrase “Oh, there’s a problem with the break room? Hmm, that’s why we (the staff) all stopped using it and don’t have any responsibility for maintaining it”

          1. Bunny Girl*

            Yup! We totally washed our hands of it. I bought a little itty bitty food warmer for my desk, and our pod has a mini fridge that I use so I never step foot in there. I’m hoping it gets to the point that it’s so nasty that they shut it down and turn it into offices. They talked about that a while ago.

            1. Anono-me*

              Please tell me more about your itty bitty food warmer? It sounds useful.

              Also, please update us in a few weeks?

        3. nonymous*

          At my grad school, the grad student social group was in charge of maintaining the department break area. Since they needed to stay in good graces of the department head for signatures and stuff, they were motivated to prevent it from getting too bad. iirc, there were pizza sales a few times per year ($2 for slice and pop, stuff like that) to raise money for cleaning and other general use supplies. And the grad students were not shy about policing themselves – much more direct and vehement than corporate professional norms. However, we also had separate areas for faculty vs staff vs grad students, and I think that helped with the ownership component.

          The key with a shared fridge, imo, is being ruthless about throwing things out. Best setup is having 2 fridges and throwing contents of one out each week. Even if some people are just moving things back and forth, it prevents forgotten items from molding.

        4. Ali G*

          OMG how are people so rude?? I can’t imagine. I hope you will update us! I can envision this devolving into a dirty mess where everyone has to stop using it because no one cleans and it’s too disgusting. And of course everyone blames everyone else for the mess.

          1. Bunny Girl*

            That actually is our plan! If it was little stuff I wouldn’t really be too worked up but people are legit just leaving food on the tables. Our department leader did tell us they would take more action if things don’t improve after the signs but the staff has refused to clean up for other people.

        5. darlingpants*

          I know that you’re having issues with proper use of the room and my building is not, but as a grad student if they tried to lock the kitchens in my building every time but 11-1 I would be livid! Someone is there literally any and every hour of the day and night, for breakfast, lunch, dinner and 2 am snacks and pretending that we only need access to a sink and microwave for 2 hours a day is totally wrong and IMO kind of insulting about the hours we work. I’m already a little peeved that they switched out the coffee machine for one that runs on those 5 gallon water bottles instead of sink water and the company acts really surprised and like we’re being unreasonable when we run out of water every 5 days instead of every 2-3 weeks like they planned for. We’re researchers! We’re there all the time and we drink a ton of coffee! Plan better!
          -this rant directed at the universe in general and not Bunny Girl in particular

          1. Bunny Girl*

            I can see the anger but our grad students do have access to the break room whether we lock it or not. Most, if not all have keys and we’ve made it clear that if their key isn’t working, they can come talk to us.

  13. Cat*

    I’m a sort-of new manager. I’ve managed a receptionist about 4 years ago, but I had zero experience before that. I am also taking on a few extra responsibilities. We haven’t negotiated salary yet, though it was something I brought up. I already feel like I’m underpaid, so I’m afraid that the number I have in mind is too big of a jump, but I think it’d be more than fair when factoring in bringing me up to market rate. Any advice?

    1. Tara S.*

      That “market-rate” piece will be helpful, hopefully they understand that under-paying you compared to other orgs in the industry doesn’t bode well for them long-term.

    2. Bea*

      You want to prove you’re underpaid. Find out what the salaries for your job scope are in your area first.

      Otherwise you’re throwing out a number that’s unjustified. Most businesses need to know the market rates. They are often going off old numbers because they’re not invested in the retention quality assurance of being in the correct pay scales.

  14. Nacho*

    Definitely double check. If I found out my co-worker was getting a significant number of free rewards that I didn’t get as a result of doing their job, I would definitely make waves about it.

    It’s possible they’ll tell you they don’t care, but you really don’t want to look like you’re hiding it from them/getting away with something sneaky.

  15. Anonymous Educator*

    I don’t know if this is a real problem or not, but has anyone else felt it’s kind of weird when you hear something bad about a co-worker from another co-worker, and that colors the way you see the talked about co-worker, but you can’t really do anything about it, because you haven’t witnessed anything yourself, and it’s just hearsay?

    I don’t mean anything illegal or necessarily immediately fire-able. And it’s not gossip in the sense of “Oh, my God. Did you hear about…?” Just chatting with co-workers, and sometimes things come up about other co-workers.

    1. Eeyore*

      All the time. But you have to take into account who is doing the gossiping, and how that reflects on them as well. If you hear something from a constant gossip, you might want to take it with a grain of salt. And even if it does color how you feel about a person, as long as you keep your work relationships warm and pleasant, it won’t really matter. Always put your own experiences with a person ahead of gossip that you hear, because you never know the reason behind the gossip.

    2. Mimmy*

      Happens at my job fairly often. I have a good relationship with the management staff, especially my direct supervisor. However, when I hear how they are handling certain issues, it makes me wary. Most of the comments come from one particular co-worker so I do take it all with a grain of salt, but they stay in the back of my mind as possibly legit.

    3. Evil HR Person*

      Funnily enough, I’m the opposite. Your view of someone else doesn’t color my view of that person. How that person interacts with me colors my view of that person, and I always start by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Since I’m HR, I always have people who get too familiar, or get too needy, and so forth. But, maybe because of the nature of my job, the way I am is actually a plus for me.

      To give you a for instance: one of the managers is having trouble with this one report. I understand the work ramifications of what that report is doing/not doing, and how it’s affecting the manager’s perspective. But it’s not affecting me in any way, so I’ll continue being my sunny self to everyone involved, even though the manager has a historically short fuse and the report really is messing up. I’m over here like, “meh.” I’ve been this way for a while.

      Interestingly, I used to tell my mentor (also HR) that I LOVE doing what I do because I get to hear all the gossip. I’m curious by nature… LOL!

      1. Tara S.*

        I need the gossip because I am not always great at reading people. Had a new boss once try to helpfully give me the lay of office politics, learned over the next few months that almost everyone else had very different opinions about the source of that drama. I don’t really treat anyone differently, but the context is still helpful in avoiding stepping on landmines!

        1. Evil HR Person*

          Very true! In my role, I really do need to hear all the gossip. I used to go out with the smokers (I don’t smoke) just for this purpose. But, in the end, I treat everyone with respect – even the ones that I don’t like because of how they’ve treated ME. I’m even friendly! I won’t go out of my way, or the extra mile – as it were – to help them, though.

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            Yes, I try to remain professional and not treat anyone differently based on what I’ve heard, but it can be awkward.

      2. Bea*

        It’s not gossip I love hearing, it’s being knowledgeable of all that’s going around. I’m profoundly interested in human psychology and behavior.

        So HR and being tied into the executive level has given me all the points of views.

        I’m the same way with not having your perception skewed due to hearing things. I hear “Dude A is doing blah blah blah. He’s the worst.” and I’m like “Yep. He’s still lovely to me but yeah if he’s not following protocol, I’ll work on that write up.” or whatever. I’ve bawled privately because of layoffs and firing that was necessary but I was fond of the person leaving.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Yeah, I guess I wasn’t clear on the fact that it isn’t always one person talking about other people or even only one person corroborating. I’m pretty sure these people are telling the truth, but I’m not anyone’s manager, and I’m not in any position to chastise people in other departments. They are not the office gossips. They’re just anybody and happen to be telling me about situations that have frustrated them.

    5. Squeeble*

      Yep, I’m with you. I have a coworker who I previously didn’t really have an issue with. Several months ago, a few other colleagues were complaining to me about this person and now it’s like I can’t unsee the things they took issue with. Nothing fireable, more like personality flaws, but it’s annoying because I didn’t really notice these things before and now they’re kind of top of mind when I see that person.

    6. gecko*

      No, that’s what I like about having a social network :) I love hearing about people, and anything I hear usually just helps me interact with that person better.

      If I hear that some coworker is pretty conservative in ways I don’t agree with, I’m going to know that I have to steer the conversation away away away from politics. If I hear that some boss is passive aggressive, I’ll be on the lookout for it and put more energy into reading their social cues than I would if I trusted someone to be direct. If I hear someone usually does their work in a slapdash “just make it work” kind of way, I’ll test their work more thoroughly.

      Plus I just love to hear about people and put effort into maintaining my reputation so I’m not bothered when people talk about me :)

      1. gecko*

        Well that last bit sounds really smug. What I mean is, I don’t really mind when people talk about me–though of course if it’s about a flaw or something I’m like oooo I need to fix that–and if it’s something like “she’s too bossy” I’ll be bummed but not care–AND I try to build a good reputation.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      This is one of the major problems with gossip that it colors our view and in turn perhaps our interactions with the person.

      One of the best questions I learned for handling gossip is, “What possible motivation does this person have for telling me this?”

      It’s a great tool for balancing these things out. So Sue tells me our coworker, Bob, is a jerk. Now why would Sue say that? Probably because Bob complained she did not get her work to him and he missed his deadline.

      OR Maybe it is because a person has to work with Bob for about two years to finally see and understand his MO that is similar to a baseball bat to the knees.

      OR Maybe Sue and Bob are both whiners having a whining contest.

      It’s helpful to keep saying, “There is more than one side to every story.” And it’s also helpful to think, “I would not want Bob thinking I am a jerk just because Sue said so.”

  16. The Other Dawn*

    Does anyone here have a Security+ or CISSP certification? I know I can Google the information, but I’m hoping to hear from someone who has one or both of these certifications. Are they worth it? Did you find that they helped you in your current job, or helped you get a better job?

    I’ll be looking for a job within the next few months and I’m thinking I may want to go into information security. I did some of that at a previous company (a bank); however, it was a very tiny company and I was basically the available body that could handle it, so I did it. It was a “figure it out as I go” thing with no one to train me, and it was one of many things I did there, so I know information security at a basic level. My background is in banking: compliance, info security, BSA, deposit and loan ops, and network admin (yes, all at one bank!).

    I’ve seen a couple job postings that look interesting, but they’re looking for Security+ at a minimum, with CISSP preferred. I know my background will help me in the job, as I would have to deal with audit prep, going through the NIST publications and things like that, which is all stuff I’ve done before, but I’m also feeling like my varied background could hurt me—I was “Jill of all Trades and Master of None” since my focus was always split between a lot of different things and I have no certifications for anything I do. Although the lack of certifications hasn’t hindered me at all until now.

    1. Pop!*

      Both are legit and helpful for being hired into security positions. CISSP is more seriously-regarded because it requires years of experience in the field (you can take the test and be an associate, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen that?) that you may or may not meet, depending on how they count your experience. You can def. be hired without them, but at my org. we require people who don’t have any certs to be eligible/willing to obtain within 1 year of hire.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! I’m at a point where I think it will help me to get a certification, maybe for IS or BSA. I’ve been lucky to get into banks where certifications don’t matter and I could work my way up, but if I want to maintain my current salary and get into more interesting things, I think a certification could help me. Plus, the number of small banks that pay a good salary AND would allow me to be a Jill of all Trades is dwindling. Perhaps it’s time I pick a direction and run with it.

        1. Solo*

          CISSP is a handy certification for a Jack/Jill of All Trades type because it can range from individual contributor-level software developers, to managers of secure facilities (data centers, etc), to CIO/CISO level careers. Sounds like it could be a good fit for giving you a direction (or rather, a cohesive story to tell about your resume/work history) while leaving lots of options open.

      2. Solo*

        I took the exam and am currently an Associate because even with the education waiver (max 1 year) I don’t quite have the required years of experience yet. I took it because I’ve been given some responsibilities related to cybersecurity and wanted to ensure I wasn’t missing major areas due to lack of industry experience.

        The course I took was useful but if I had it to do over I would probably skip taking a dedicated course and just follow the learning path on SafariBooksOnline.com. The credential hasn’t really made a difference to my day-to-day yet, but access to the continuing professional education materials and conference discounts is handy.

    2. KAG*

      The problem with the most respected of these certs (and I’m fairly sure the CISSP falls into this category) is that you have to have at minimum several years of documented work experience in the field, and in many cases, actual recommendations from former / current managers in that field (the worst IMHO being the CFA, where the recs all have to be from a CFA).

      Still, if you put on your resume that you’ve passed all the exams needed for the cert, that will surely provide you with a lot.of.credibility.

      Good luck!

    3. Thegs*

      I have Security+ because it is required (or a similar cert, but Sec+ is easy) by DoD 8570 for entry level technicians, but aside from checking that box, it really doesn’t mean much (e.g. my current place is exempt from 8570 requirements, and I’m the only one with Sec+). CompTIA’s certs are notoriously easy to get because the test answers are plastered across the internet. Additionally, a lot of the questions are inane and don’t really show knowledge of how to ensure your systems have a proper security posture. Asking port numbers is a good example here, I think I’ve only needed to know LDAPS is on port 636 once or twice in my entire (admittedly brief) career, but they’ll ask you that. I have almost the entirety of humanity’s knowledge at my fingertips, I don’t need to memorize port numbers.

      So this is probably the crummiest endorsement ever, but I would get Sec+ because it’s relatively easy, and it will check the box. If you are confident enough in your abilities, then definitely go for CISSP though. I don’t have it, but from my experience listening to the more senior technicians and systems engineers, it is held with much more regard than Sec+.

      I’m also a jaded sysadmin who doesn’t like CompTIA so please take what I say with a grain of salt.

    4. Nash*

      Based on your background, you could probably review for a week and pass the Sec+. It isn’t hard and isn’t expensive, and it’s accepted as proof that you really are interested.

      With your years of experience, you very well may qualify to test for a CISSP now. Iirc it takes five years experience or four plus a bachelors. HR really likes the CISSP and it does sound fancy.

      Daniel Miessler has a rundown of info sec certifications, in an article on his blog. It might be worth checking those out to see which align with your interests.

      I’m going hard on Cisco ones right now, but I also work for a Cisco reseller and personally focus on network security so… yeah.

  17. sweet potatoes*

    Goodness, I lost my temper at work yesterday. I have been hearing complaints from my vendors about the sales team trashing me to them and the sales team has been very rude and condescending to me for the last week or so and I finally snapped. I yelled at the sales guy to get out of my office and let me do my work in peace for five minutes. He went out and complained to my boss (who tried to fix the problem with the vendor the sales guy was complaining about… but only made it worse). I am so tired and stressed out, I like the job and the opportunities I get here I won’t get anywhere else but it’s so hard to make headway when I have so much to do I can only respond to the most urgent matters. I really don’t know if there’s a way forward other than leaving for a different company. We are restructuring my department and I will get additional assistance… at the beginning of next year. Right now I guess I will just stick to hiding out in one of the conference rooms and ducking the sale team’s calls.

    1. Product person*

      Right now I guess I will just stick to hiding out in one of the conference rooms and ducking the sale team’s calls.

      Hmm… I was considered really good at my last job at building good relationship with the sales team when most my colleagues were treated badly by them. So I’m going to offer you a suggestion:

      Trying to hide from people because you’re too busy to handle their requests is typically a bad idea. In your place, I’d go ask each sales guy for quick (individual) chat. Tell them you see their side, and then explain how busy you currently are, and how you have to ruthlessly prioritize to stay above water and only respond to the most pressing matters, which means their requests may end up at the bottom of the pile. Explain that the department is being restructured and hopefully things will get better at the beginning of the year, but until then, you’d appreciate a bit of understanding on their side.

      The winning formula is “show you care + demonstrate you can see their side (even if they are being unrealistic / obnoxious, it pays to try to see things from their perspective and if necessary pretend they’re being reasonable with their demands) + be very specific as to why you can’t be as responsive as they’d like”.

      I once share this formula with the big data team when they were in trouble with the marketing team, unable to even get marketing people to pick up the phone to discuss the issues with a project. Overnight the situation changed completely. The big data guys didn’t believe that explaining to non-technical people why their project was delayed and would take much longer than expected to finish (all technical reasons) could make a difference, but went with the flow, and it completely changed the situation. What looks like resistance and aggressiveness is often lack of clarity. If you try hard to make the sales guys see what you’re seeing, it’s quite possible you’ll you entirely change the situation.

      1. sweet potatoes*

        This is great advice and it’s something I’m trying to find time to implement, I’m just having a hard time scheduling meetings with all of them, I think I need to restrict them to ten minutes and ask them to come prepared with what they need to review with me. The problem is everyone wants everything to be in their schedule, and my schedule is packed with meetings and travel. Honestly, most of them spend their whole day watching Netflix at their houses, so I don’t know why ten freaking minutes is such a huge ask.
        I think being specific about why I can’t give them a reply is something I really need to work on. I usually just tell them: this request cannot be accommodated, just to get things out of the way without ever really going into depth about the why.

        1. Product person*

          I think being specific about why I can’t give them a reply is something I really need to work on.

          Yes! There are tons of academic studies showing that this can make a HUGE difference. Try this, and come back to tell us how it went. I bet you’ll see a 180 degrees change in your interactions with this group :-).

          I think I need to restrict them to ten minutes and ask them to come prepared with what they need to review with me

          That sounds like a good plan. Just make sure you don’t spend the full 10 minutes discussing their request — save some time to address the larger issue. Practice an script where you explain “I feel your pain, but here’s what I can and cannot do”. Also, reset the expectations: “I know it may look like I’m not being reasonable when you only need X from me and can’t get time on my calendar– but remember, there are N number of people I’m trying to serve, which means even 5-minute tasks turn into full days of work for me when you multiply by the number of requests I get.”

          For some people this may sound too deferential, in particular when dealing with unreasonable stakeholders, but to me the results are what matter. I promise you that taking the time to explain *in detail* why you’re so busy — rather than just saying “I’m busy, go away” can attract many allies and reduce the number of complaints, your stress levels, etc.. It’s worth it!

          1. sweet potatoes*

            I will definitely work on improving on the “why” rather than just telling them to go away, I think I have been feeling so attacked I’ve been unnecessarily adversarial with the team and have been cultivating a very unhealthy us vs them dynamic. I mean, I still need to cover my butt but there is no need to be so aggressive, even if they are. I just look as childish as them.

    2. Bea*

      They’re behaving badly throwing you under the bus to vendors like that.

      However hiding out and boiling over to the point of yelling is a reaction you need to fight.

      Why are they mad? Is it because your overworked and can’t get to their issues or vendors requests in a timely manner?

      This needs to be worked out in house. They need a sit down with you to see how you can make this easier on all of you.

      It sounds like you’re drowning. It may only be solved with reassignment of tasks or another hand on deck. If you’re understaffed and they’re not sending in help soon, you need to abandon ship. That’s evacuation level toxicity and burnout.

      1. sweet potatoes*

        I’m so annoyed at the throwing me under the bus with the vendors that I’m considering sending a memo restricting the vendors from giving them info. I, fortunately, have unilateral authority to manage our vendor relationships but it’s basically a nuclear option.
        At this point I have so much to do that if it isn’t for a key account, I won’t even look at it until the weekend which is when I reply to all the miscellaneous requests the sales team has. Right now I’m actually working from a café since I’m in such a nasty mood and I need to relax.
        There is so much work I need to do, I basically work 12 hour days plus weekends. I did notice I’m burning out, up to a couple of weeks ago I basically slept with my laptop because I was sending emails and dealing with stuff until the late hours of the evening. I have since stopped, but I still wake up in the middle of the night to check on stocking levels for some key items since they fill me with so much anxiety.

    3. nonymous*

      I would add that if the role facing staff shortages can be explicit about what they need to reduce their workload, a lot of times people will happily meet you (more than) halfway. Maybe some of the process can be offloaded to them?

      For example, instead of each sales guy coming to sweet potatoes individually, could they present requests in a prioritized list or grouped by whatever makes sense to the org? Can the sales team send in requests by email and then sweet potatoes does an status/triage blast weekly/daily so she’s not being interrupted? If the sales guys are not giving complete info, can sweet potatoes set aside 15 minutes daily to identify these cases and notify them? How much of the documentation can the sales guys pre-fill out?

      In my workplace we assign submissions different functional categories which correlate to % of our workload. So anything new in the preceding week gets skimmed superficially for really glaring issues – e.g. no data included – and those get returned to sender. Then everything is tagged by functional category. The skimming and tagging is done once a week (but other workplaces might need this to happen daily or even twice a day) and is a very quick process – think 5-10 seconds per case. So the standard is that I will focus on Category A, but I will work on Category B at least X hours daily and Category C Y hours weekly. If the workload is such that the triage process would substantially interfere with time spent actively working on each case (say, this would eat up 2-3 hours daily), then requests need to come into the working group pre-categorized.

      1. sweet potatoes*

        We actually had a meeting about this yesterday! While I freely admit that I did step over the line and should have controlled my temper better, that meeting actually pissed me off even more. The only thing the sales team agreed on is that it’s all in the sourcing department and they are throwing a tantrum because we don’t answer their every beck and call. The main issue is that they want to run very tight inventories (we don’t need to, but it makes their commission better if they do) so every time there is even a slight hiccup they have a client problem because there is no slack built into their planning (if it can be called that) so they need us to expedite, move stuff around and this takes up around 80% of my time. The sales team is supposed to create all documentation, they just refuse to do it and push everything on to me. I ignore them and let them fall on their swords, but when the customer comes I have to fix it ASAP anyway by skipping all processes.
        Right now I triage by customer, if the customer is a major account we have issues with I will devote all my attention to those issues, which is why they are pissed. Most of the sales team manages relatively small accounts and they get mad since I don’t even look at their problems until the weekend. This actually was the trigger for the guy storming into my office and me kicking him out, one of his customers who represents about 5K yearly sales had a massive emergency! But I was really busy with some vendor issues for a single item that represents around 600K in sales a year. I told him I would deal with his issue sometime next week (I did end up fixing it since my boss demanded it).
        I like the idea of assigning priorities to all tasks, the question is how do I keep the sales staff from just putting a 10 on everything? There is a guy who tags everything as urgent, even though sometimes he literally wants mops. I’d have to take time to assign priority to all tickets which would be a little hard for me. But I will definitely raise this with the process team in our next meeting so we can create a program to do this.

        1. nonymous*

          > how do I keep the sales staff from just putting a 10 on everything?

          Sounds like you already have a good priority system – it’s by client account size, not urgency. Assign Clients to A/B/C based on size, and maybe sort by delivery date? The key is not to prioritize by individual feelings of urgency (which are subjective), but to use observed metrics (facts) to order the workload. And then make sure everyone knows what the system is. It als helps to have a running list that people can refer to so they can track their position in line, maybe an Excel spreadsheet that they only have read access to? I’m sure it’s obvious to everyone that the company needs to have greater capacity at this step of the process but until y’all do, what’s the plan?

          Although, what’s up with your boss? If you’re short staffed the other teams should absolutely be held accountable for completing the parts they are responsible for. What happens if you say to your boss: “I expedited PO 111 today. Because documentation for this PO was incomplete, I was not able to start PO 112. It took me X hours to create documentation that should come to us already complete.”

          With your expanded replies, I also wonder if part of this is deliberate on your company’s part? Like in order for the sales guys to make the salaries/quotas they are held to they have to be working at a volume that precludes time to fill out documentation. One company that I know of had quotas about the # of calls sales guys made using company-provided leads, but the leads were awful and it was a waste of time. People who followed the processes never made close to goal, but people who ignored the internal process and had their own lead-generation method could make a decent living. I can’t say how much of this is the sales team shirking (with your boss throwing you under the bus), and how much is because the whole system is completely unsustainable. But unless you are happily raking in OT for the 12hr days and weekends, you definitely need to cut back. If you are salaried exempt, I think it is still good practice to set “working hours”. For example you could say that you’ll be in the office from 8 – 6:30P (with an actual break for lunch) and then answer emails for another hour or so after dinner in the evening on weekdays and your weekend load is no more than 8hrs. This is a 63 hr workweek and my upper limit for an intense schedule that is sustainable long term. While it is definitely possible to work greater hours in a short term situation (e.g. the last two weeks of a sprint cycle), you need something that will get you through restructuring and any onboarding that happens, which is looking like a 3month horizon.

          1. sweet potatoes*

            That’s a great idea, making the implicit explicit should help them figure out what I’m up to and at least have a rough idea when I will get to their emergency.
            My boss is… weird. He does throw me under the bus, I just don’t get into any trouble . Like last week, I made a decision that impacted a small customer (couple hundred bucks a year) in favor of a major customer, it was a no brainer! The sales guy was really mad and summoned me to a meeting in my boss’ office. I basically said I’d look into it (now that I think about it, I never actually looked into it) and left.
            The sales guys spend most of their time watching Netflix–I’m not even kidding–and they haven’t brought a new account in years. They don’t do the process they need to do because they don’t want to. It’s not even that hard!
            As for my schedule, as of this week I basically said screw it and cut back to normal business hours. 8 to 6, sharp. Thankfully my company doesn’t actually give us company phones, so I don’t really have to use my cell so I’m only available on my office phone. My boss gave the sales team my personal cell, but I have them on a “do not answer” list so I don’t even know when they call. As of right now I take my full lunch hour to the dot. I’m exhausted and need a mental health break, so I’m focusing on setting clear and strong boundaries between my job and my life.

  18. Bee's Knees*

    This week in a Small Town Newsroom

    Fergus is going on about the singularity again. He doesn’t know that’s what it’s called, and I’m not going to encourage him and point it out, but that’s what it is. He starts with how he’ll never use one of those virtual assistants (He doesn’t even have a cell phone) and then it devolves into him showing someone a video of a robot talking about taking over the world. He has done the same thing three times in the last month. (I am uncertain how the robots are going to get along with the lizard people.) He talked to me for five minutes one day this week about it. He 100% believes that it’s going to happen. I have gray hair now.

    Wakeen (our new reporter) had a fight with his wife. We got to hear ALL about it. He also got a call from the Bahamas. He assuredly informed me that when you get a call from the Bahamas, it’s usually a scam. Usually? I and my friends are not the jet-setting types, so I can’t say I’ve ever gotten a non-scam call from there.

    I also found out he is in awe of the color printer. I was printing a proof of something, and it was taking FOREVER because the printer would print a page, then stop. He asked if it was two sided, and I said it was in color. He told me the last place he worked had a printer that could print in black and white AND in color. What a time to be alive.

    We got a very nasty email from a lady mad at Farquad. She wanted her church news in the paper, which we publish one day a week. He did not communicate this to her, and blew her off several times. Now she’s mad, and my problem. I sent her an email apologizing without taking blame (which I’m fairly good at) and we’ll see how she responds. (The answer – not well. Also, ad, like advertisement, only has one d.)

    1. Lissa*

      Maybe Wakeen’s wife decided “screw it” after the fight and went to the Bahamas, and was calling him to let him know she’s left him for an attractive beach dude!

    2. Tara S.*

      Now I’m thinking about the thing I read yesterday about how most of our stories about robots are really talking about class anxiety, and when we talk about “the robots overtaking their makers” we are also talking about “servants overtaking their masters.” I.e. “but what if I lose position of superiority?? How will I cope?”

    4. Cotton Headed Ninny Muggins*

      Sounds like we’re headed towards a “Robots vs. Lizard People” war… excuse me while I start prepping for that.

    6. fposte*

      “What a time to be alive” made me snort out loud. I am mentally listing workplace situations to which I can similarly apply it.

    7. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I have a “singularity” guy in my office too, but he seems to be rather looking forward to it rather than opposed.

  19. SouthernBelle*

    I had a phone interview for a position with a company that I was really hoping to work for. I’ve been a contractor for a while, so this was an opportunity to get back into a “permanent” position. However, the entire experience left a nasty taste in my mouth. The three hiring managers on the line were (for the most part) cold, and at times, hostile, during the call. They cut it off after about 15 minutes and to me, it just seemed like a bad fit all around. But the part that bothered me was that when it was my turn to ask questions, I asked how a reported HQ move (it’s been in the news around here) would affect that position. Presumably, if I were to be selected, I would be concerned about my job moving away shortly after accepting it, right? Apparently that question set one of the interviewers off and her response was not only not helpful (“someone applying for this position shouldn’t concern themselves with that”) but also indicative, I think, of what working for her would be like. I withdrew my application this morning; but my question is, what’s your take on this? Would you have withdrawn? Waited to see what happened? What?

    2. ContentWrangler*

      It sounds like you totally made the right decision in withdrawing. I probably would have been a little more passive and simply declined if I was offered a second interview, but maybe if enough people outright withdraw their applications, they’ll realize how terrible their phone interviews are.

      1. SouthernBelle*

        Thank you! My husband said something very similar to you, but yes, I felt that this was an opportunity to demonstrate that just because we’re seeking a job, it doesn’t mean we’re not evaluating them just as much as they’re evaluating us.

    3. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      I would have withdrawn too, you did the right thing. Your question was totally appropriate, and their response is pretty rude.

    4. Holly*

      That is….. really weird and I am glad you withdrew. Often it’s in the news that say, a prominent law firm is changing headquarters and I can’t imagine it being considered out of line for an associate to ask about the move during an interview.

    5. Trisha*

      Who you work for can be just as impactful as what work you do. It is a valid question; she could have dodged it with a non-committal response if it was an internally hush-hush thing. To basically tell you to MYOB on an issue that could be a decision point for you sends up all kinds of red flags when you are considering working for that person. Too many hiring managers are only concerned about whether they want the job seeker; they fail to acknowledge that the job seeker has to want them too.

    6. JuniperGreen*

      Sounds like a bullet dodged. Alas, still sad to have to back out of a candidacy you were excited about! Good luck with your search!

    7. The New Wanderer*

      I would have withdrawn – I have a personal visceral reaction to hearing “that’s not relevant to you” in response to something I asked and I really wouldn’t want to work with someone who takes that attitude. Even if it’s not relevant, give me a polite reason, not a flat MYOB response. That, the overall impression you got, and the early cutoff just says Bad Fit all around. You made the right call.

    8. 653-CXK*

      Nope, you did the right thing by withdrawing.

      Thankfully in my job search, I haven’t had any jerks on the other side of the phone interview. This was not merely a jerk move, it was a bad sign. I would have said, “Thank you, but I think in these circumstances I will withdraw my candidacy,” and then hung up.

    10. MissDisplaced*

      Wow, not helping their recruiting efforts much are they?
      It’s horrible when you find out a company you’d admired and always wanted to work for is like the black stank of death on the inside. Bullet dodged.

    11. AshK413*

      Yes, I totally would’ve withdrawn if only to not give them the satisfaction of rejecting me (yes, I’m petty).

  20. Emmie*

    Do your companies allow you to dress up for Halloween? What kind of guidance do they give you about costumes?

    2. Never*

      Yes. Nothing sexual, political, or religious. If you’re meeting with external clients, please keep that in mind when planning your costume.

    3. Bunny Girl*

      Some of our departments do and some don’t. My old department let you unless you were dealing with customers that day. They only said “please be in good taste.” They didn’t have any problems as far as I know. I think I was the most extreme (I’m a special effects artist) and I went as a zombie, but I definitely didn’t do anything super gory.

    4. Alternative Person*

      We have a party for the younger kids at work.

      Basically, no masks, no gore, nothing fetishy, must be able to work comfortably, keep it light-hearted and kid-friendly.

    5. Deryn*

      I work in a children’s hospital, so this is a bit different environment, but we are encouraged to dress up for the kiddos! I’ve never seen or heard any official guidelines for us, other than my own common sense. In our clinic, at least, we haven’t run into any issues since we dress up almost exclusively as things children would enjoy (e.g., characters from children’s movies and TV shows) and to my knowledge no one has pulled anything controversial (yet, knock on wood).

      1. KarenT*

        Ha! Ours do too. An email goes out about a week before Halloween telling people they can dress up as long as it’s work appropriate. Somehow, this has magically worked.

    7. De Minimis*

      They have a costume contest here, and the rules are a little stricter than usual. We’re a federal facility that has fairly tight security, so nothing that obscures the face [so no masks] and no props that look like weapons. And we also have the vague instruction that costumes must be work appropriate. This will be my first Halloween here, but I hear that not a lot of people participate and it’s not something where supervisors pressure people to dress up [spouse’s former workplace had a supervisor who insisted everyone participate in a departmental contest.]

    8. Mimmy*

      Not my current job, but a job I had years ago used to go all out for Halloween. They always held a contest with different categories, including for individuals and groups (departments). I don’t recall any specific rules or guidelines, but I’m sure it was all common sense, e.g. no profanity or anything of a sexual nature. I really miss it (and all of the activities they held).

    9. KMB213*

      No one at my current office dresses up.

      In my most recent past job, we were allowed to dress up. There really weren’t any rules – they trusted us to determine what was appropriate and, as of when I left, everything dressed appropriately. People didn’t really do full costumes, though – it was usually something like fairy wings or cat ears added to a typical outfit.

    10. CheeryO*

      Nope, not at my state government agency. I wore a sweater with a skeleton ribcage on it one year and got so many weird comments. We do a chili cook-off, though, which is fun.

      1. Cotton Headed Ninny Muggins*

        I work for the federal government and we also have a chili cookoff. Is chili the spookiest food?

    11. curly sue*

      Allowed, but it’s not super-common among faculty. The students often go all-out — last year I lectured to a group that included a glow in the dark skeleton, a vampire, a couple of classic witches, at least one hippie, and about half the cast of the Harry Potter franchise.

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      No clue. New here. In general, keep it G rated, in good taste, and assume that your grandmother AND your 5 year old will see it.

    13. Grits McGee*

      We aren’t supposed to, but people do. It’s become a Halloween-and-Christmas tradition to get an all-staff email about how animal onesies aren’t appropriate attire for a public-facing federal agency.

    14. Holly*

      There’s no rule against it, just not in my office culture to do so. People might bring in halloween candy to share, but not one person dresses up in my extremely large office.

    15. Trisha*

      Yes – government office and the non-public facing portions are allowed to dress up. Our charitable campaign usually uses Halloween as a fund raiser and has a costume content.

    16. Yet another Kat*

      Fun story from a job from 10 years ago:
      My boss/department head dressed up as a flasher, and had the then-intern help her fashion and attach a fake male sexual organ out of nude pantyhose and stuffing, to protrude from her pants fly.

      At my current job people dress up a little, but mainly with a prop of some sort that can be easily removed.

      1. ACDC*

        Last year at my old job, which was a very casual environment, everyone was getting very hyped about dressing up for Halloween. I loved Halloween, so I was excited to dress up as well. Well Oct. 31 roles around and I’m the only person in the whole stinking office who dressed up. Everyone’s excuse? “Oh, I didn’t think anyone was actually going to do it…” I spent the whole day talking to customers dressed as a half mermaid/half unicorn creature while everyone else was dressed normally…

    17. Lily Rowan*

      My office goes all out, and not even on Halloween — this year it’s the Friday before. The different areas of the office each pick a theme and decorate and dress up. Basically no one does more than a couple of hours of work that day, between touring the different areas in the morning and a party in the afternoon. (This is why it’s a Friday…)

    18. Garland not Andrews*

      I work for the US government in a non-customer facing office. Last year the guidelines were:
      1) It must be ok with your branch chief.
      2) Little to nothing on the face as you must be recognizable to match your badge. (Building with guards and limited access.)

    19. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

      Some of our offices do. I’ve never heard of a problem. My company generally defaults to assuming we are all adults and we are, hence the no problems.

      One of the offices goes all out and each dept. does a group theme. Everyone participates from the cheerleader types to the office curmudgeons. I’ve seen everything from M&Ms to the Peanuts gang. There is also a standing rule against visitors on this particular day, so no issues there.

      Some offices only have one or two people who do, but it’s more low key.

    20. Bea*

      We threw away out dress code and it just can’t be inappropriate for their jobs. So if it’s not a hazard or offensive, it doesn’t matter.

      I’ll wear my unicorn headband and tail. Low-key fun is my goal.

      “I’m a mouse. Duh.” ;)

    21. voluptuousfire*

      Yep! I don’t but I have colleagues that do. We have a Halloween costume contest and it’s fun and we vote on the winner.

    22. Dragoning*

      We can. Our only guidance is basically to use our common sense, really. No formal guidelines are given for it.

    23. acmx*

      Our CEO and C-suite dress up, we have contests – company recognition for those that interact with our customers and within departments.

    25. sparty07*

      We have a contest with 3 prizes of $100, $50, $25. Last year our CEO dressed up like Snow White, his wig made the whole thing better as he’s normally bald

    26. Lavender Menace*

      Mine does and there is no guidance. Thankfully, so far I haven’t seen anything really egregious.

    27. Hobbert*

      We’re cops so it would be awkward if we dressed up. But! I do have a super funny Halloween story. I was on foot patrol during a trick or treat event and I complimented a little boy on his Batman costume. He looked me up and down and gravely said, “thank you. Yours is very good too.” Thanks, kid…

  21. yeine*

    SCENE:
    ten days ago, my boss: hey, yeine, can you work on your performance review?
    me: sure!
    my boss: [goes to spain for two weeks]
    me: [pulls up performance review template from 2 years ago and starts studiously detailing everything i have done for the past two years]

    SCENE:
    me, yesterday, having put in hours to this thing almost every day for the past week: hey, HR friend, can you look over this draft?
    HR friend: sure, send it over.
    [on screen: HR friend is typing.. ]
    HR friend: …. where did you get this template?
    me: I used the one i used two years ago, why?
    HR friend: we’re using this completely different template now. did no one send it to you?
    me: [melting into an indistinguishable puddle of weepy rage goo] No, No One Sent It To Me.
    HR friend: oh….. i’ll let the other managers know to do that for their reports.

    1. RabbitRabbit*

      Well, at least I feel better now about how we do it – ours is on computer and they change something about the process basically every year, so at least we can all log in and see the confusion right up front.

    2. Alianora*

      Frustrating, but at least you have the content fresh in your mind. It’s not a total waste of time.

      1. zora*

        It might be asking for different content. That’s what happened when ours changed last, they completely changed the framing. You couldn’t really cut and paste from the old one, you would have to rewrite everything.

  22. CrushedCow*

    What are your opinions on individuals who stay at the same company for their entire careers? Assuming they enjoy their work and colleagues and have opportunities for growth–is there any major downside for staying put? When do you know it’s time to push yourself out of your comfortable box?

    1. Anon From Here*

      Well, I wouldn’t beg the question that there’s always a need or desire to push oneself out of any comfortable box, for one. If somebody is at the same job for their entire career and enjoy their work and colleagues, then my inclination would be to start from the assumption that they’re pretty happy with their lot in life. And that they were pretty darn lucky to find the job they wanted relatively early on and were able to finance their lifestyle with it.

      Not everybody is ambitious or wants to be a billionaire, and that’s OK.

      1. CrushedCow*

        @Anon From Here — I appreciate your last line. I need to remind myself of this when I question myself. Thank you!

        And I should have asked “What are your opinions on staying at the same company…” not “on individuals who…”.

        1. Anon From Here*

          If the question is actually “What are your opinions on staying at the same company,” then I’d say it can be risky to put all your eggs into one basket. That is, if you have no contingency plans against a layoff or firing or other adverse employment action, then you could be in bad shape if you’ve been planning all along to stay with one company your entire career. Since the “work for IBM/GM/Sears/etc. from age 18 to 65” isn’t seriously an option for the vast majority of American workers any more, I think people need to keep their options open. That means doing continuing education, affirmatively applying for jobs at different companies, and building up a professional network, even if it just means joining Rotary.

          1. Tara S.*

            ^ It’s fine in theory, even desirable for the company as you often will build up helpful institutional knowledge. But you can never assume it’s going to happen. I worked for a third-generation family owned, 75 year old business that seemed very healthy until it suddenly didn’t and went bankrupt. I had coworkers who had never had another job – got hired when they were 18 and never left, now in their 60’s. One guy from finance told me he’d never had to write a resume (I helped him out). I would second that as long as you are realistic about that possibility (not being able to stay forever) and keep up with certifications and networking, there’s nothing inherently wrong with staying in one place. But it’s never a sure bet.

            1. Anonymous Educator*

              Built-up institutional knowledge can be a double-edged sword, though, especially if it’s not well-documented. Sometimes people hoard knowledge, so others will depend on them. It can be a power thing. Or they don’t do it intentionally maliciously, but then they’re out for a long stretch sick or leave the company, and then others are stuck with “Oh, yeah. Nobody knows that except so-and-so…”

        2. Elaine*

          I didn’t see anyone else mention one possible downside. A friend has been in the same job since she was 17. She loved her job. Recently the division head retired and the job changed dramatically. At age 60, it is very difficult to find another job, especially when you’ve spent your entire career working for the same company.

          So I agree that there’s nothing wrong with working at the same place for many years, but you at least should be aware that everything might unexpectedly change and you might be stuck. Or it all might work out, of course!

        3. Bookwormish51*

          It depends so much on the field, office culture, and the job itself. I’ve been at the same legal nonprofit for 25 years and will retire from there. Many of the lawyers have been there more than 10. But also much of the other staff. Many started as the receptionist out of college and moved into other roles after a year. The pay is good for a nonprofit; the people are nice; the work is interesting. If you find somewhere you are genuinely happy and can see yourself enjoying for your whole working life, there’s nothing wrong with doing that.

      2. Doug Judy*

        THIS. Yesterday we had a speaker at work. He has a client that worked for over 30 years at local grocery chain. That chain is 100% employee owned. This man never made more than $50k a year, but because of their ESOP plan, this man has nearly $4million in retirement and is retiring at 60.

        If your happy, there is no reason to make a change just because. I had a job I was fairly content at 4 years ago. I wasn’t ever going to be high up and promotions just weren’t there. I left because I wanted to “grow” and the new job was a nightmare. 3 years later I am still trying to undo the damage from that decision and there are times I really wish I would have just stuck with my “average” job.

        1. laughingrachel*

          Was that Midwest grocery chain by chance? If it’s the one I’m thinking of, I have a lot of friends that got jobs there when they were 14, worked there through college and are still working there because the benefits are so good.

      3. LilySparrow*

        This.

        I would assume that career advancement is not their #1 goal in life, and they were lucky/happy to find a suitable job to support their life goals.

        There are a lot of people who are passionate about things you can’t monetize (or not without fundamentally changing the nature of the goal).

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I think a lot of it is generational. My parents and a lot of their friends would typically desire to stay with one company until they retire. But many times that’s not an option. I’ve known a few Gen-Xers and Millennials who’ve tried to stay in one place for a long time, and then they got laid off after 10 or 15 years.

      That said, I’ve generally found (and this is mainly working in schools, mind you) that people who’ve worked in only one place tend to (with some amazing exceptions, obviously) have a very limited perspective in terms of what’s possible, reasonable, or even desirable, especially if the place is toxic or semi-toxic.

      If you work in multiple places, you really get a good idea of the broad range of work cultures and of different ways to approach problems. And, no, what people present in conferences and videos about what their schools and companies are doing isn’t necessarily what they’re actually doing.

      1. CrushedCow*

        Ah, perhaps this is a fear of mine. I worry that–if I do need to find a new job–an employer will look at a long history at a single company as a negative.

        1. Anon From Here*

          1) You won’t be, because for better or for worse that’s not how the U.S. operates any more. Never say never, but effectively nobody gets an 18-65 job any more. (I realize I’m inviting a slew of commenters to follow up with exceptions.)

          2) Your answer to “wow, you were there forever” is: “I enjoyed my time there thoroughly. The work was fulfilling and it was a great collegial atmosphere. Now I’m exploring further opportunities and look forward to bringing my skills and experience to your firm.”

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            2) Your answer to “wow, you were there forever” is: “I enjoyed my time there thoroughly. The work was fulfilling and it was a great collegial atmosphere. Now I’m exploring further opportunities and look forward to bringing my skills and experience to your firm.”

            I think a lot of this will depend on what field you’re in, what position(s) you held, and what kind of position you’re applying for.

      2. Alternative Person*

        This lines up with my experience. Especially when a place doesn’t offer any continuing education opportunities. Less than healthy practices can get worse over time until they become the norm and can be very difficult to unpick, especially when senior staff is a unchanging, self-reinforcing circle, then these companies wonder why their bottom level of staff completely turns over every eighteen months or less.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          I worked in one of those places. I would say the senior staff (all straight, cis, white men—I’m sure that part’s just coincidence) were actually well-intentioned, but really had very limited perspectives, and they weren’t leaving, so we had a constant churn of younger/newer employees leaving.

    3. Enough*

      I would have no opinion at all unless they are complaining all the time about work. I worked for awhile with a guy who kept saying he was going to get a new job. He was there when I left. He was still there when my husband left. He retired from that company.

    4. DaniCalifornia*

      At my husbands company he says it used to be seen as loyal to stay there your entire career and be a “career man” Those people were rewarded and if they worked hard they move up. Now he and other coworkers are eyeing a move elsewhere after 7 years. Many of his coworkers have left and gone elsewhere for a couple of years and then come back because that’s the only way to get a promotion/bump in pay. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        This. At my company, the longer you stayed, the more below-market your salary became. People had to leave for another company and come back to get market-rate pay or a promotion. It seemed the back-again people were given more respect than those who stayed. (Oh, you’re hire-able elsewhere?! Wow!)
        There’s no shame in staying – it might meet your personal needs, but I recommend keeping your resume current and knowing what the industry average pay is for your job in case of layoffs, etc.

    5. JanetM*

      I have heard that anyone who has been in the same job more than two years or the same company more than six is deadwood.

      I say horsepucky. If you’re good at what you do and happy where you are, more power to you!

      1. Anon From Here*

        Well, I mean, that’s one way to handle a company’s institutional memory, sure. Gotta love management by self-help books.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Yeah, I think that mentality is very industry dependent (and sometimes position-dependent).

          I can certainly tell you in schools, teachers aren’t changing titles every two years. And if they change schools every six years, that’s fine, but many schools take pride in their teachers staying there for decades.

        2. Anon for this*

          Not even there. I work at a large software company and we have lots of people, including many senior leaders, who have been here 15+ years. The EVP of my division started working here as a college intern. Our CEO has been here over 25 years. And you see that across the industry – average stays of lower-level workers are shorter, but once you start getting into the mid-levels and senior management, people tend to stick around for longer periods of time.

    6. CheeryO*

      Very common in state government. It’s tough to match the work/life balance, salary, and benefits in the private sector in our industry, so people tend to stay put. I think most people would benefit from moving around a little bit over their careers, either to another office or a different department, just because it’s human nature to get complacent over time. On the other hand, there are people who have been working here for 35+ years who still work their asses off. I think it’s mostly a personality thing – some people naturally want to learn and challenge themselves even when there’s no longer a defined trajectory for career growth, and those are the people who still seem to enjoy work (as much as you can enjoy work, at least) and excel at what we do.

    7. Shark Whisperer*

      I think there are downsides to staying put, but I may be personally biased. I have worked at lots of different places (hellooooo graduating into the recession). I also have a coworker that has only ever worked at my current organization and I frequently butt heads with her because I feel like she’s overly invested in How We Do Things at Organization and doesn’t really going on in the rest of our industry. Even though having to frequently find new jobs at the beginning of my career was painful, I feel like it was incredibly valuable to see why different organizations made different decisions and to learn what worked and what didn’t first hand.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I completely agree with this. I’m in a similar situation. I’m glad that I’ve had the opportunity to learn how other organizations do things and that I have the flexibility that comes with that. I’ve encountered some, “But this is the way it’s done and I will not listen to your suggestions” and it’s very frustrating.

    8. Evil HR Person*

      I have two views of this that I cannot reconcile: at a former job, the level of toxicity was directly related to the amount of time a person had been in the company. The longer he/she had been there, the more toxic they were. At my current job, that doesn’t seem to be the rule at all. If anything, the longest tenured are the least toxic – for the most part, there is always the odd exception.

      To answer your question: it depends on the company. There are plenty of people who are very happy doing the same thing day-in-day-out forevermore until they retire, and that’s perfectly acceptable. There are others who like to challenge themselves and rise through the ranks, and there’s a company that allows them to do that for many years until they retire. There are others who chomp at the bit if they get bored or want something new, or cannot rise at their company, or they want the same job at a different company, or want to change careers, or…or…or… Personally, I don’t see a major downside with wanting to stay and be comfortable. It’s really a personal choice.

    9. Neosmom*

      Downside: You should be wary that your salary does not get “compressed”. It is very easy for your pay to fall below market rates for the skill set you have developed if you are with an organization for a very long time.

    10. OperaArt*

      I think it might differ if someone is working working for a small business vs. a large company or government (e.g. city, county, state, federal). You can have a highly varied resume even after decades at the same employer because more options are available.
      I work for a quasi-government entity where people routinely stay for decades. Occasionally, employees leave for new jobs or to start their own businesses.
      That said, age might be more of an issue than number of years at one company.

    11. Roza*

      I’m generally inclined not to hold it against anyone if it seems as long as I get some sense that the person is reasonably open to change/different perspectives. A previous job had a bunch of “lifers” who had been at the company since finishing school and worked their way up. They created a toxic culture by belittling and mocking anyone who didn’ automatically want to do things the way they had been done for the past decades, or find (undocumented) processes “obvious”. The only people who stuck around were the ones who came in at entry level; more senior new hires were treated like they were entry level and tended to leave quickly.

      If one of these “lifers”, or someone who had a similar work history of being at the same company for most/all of their career applied to work with me, I wouldn’t reject them on those grounds, but I would be probing heavily to make sure they weren’t too rigid to adapt to new ways of doing things.

    12. The New Wanderer*

      I think it’s pretty variable. I just spent almost 12 years at the same company, but every year or two I was working on a very different project from the previous projects, and switched groups three times during that period. If I had been working the same role, I probably wouldn’t have lasted more than a few years before seeking another job elsewhere. As it is, I never expected to be there so long, but with all the changes I didn’t feel stifled. The rest of my hiring cohort all said the same (put in a few years, move on) and maybe half are still there. Most of the people I worked with had/have been with the company for decades. There’s a clear progression path, salaries are definitely not stagnant at this company (golden handcuffs for sure), and there are occasional lateral opportunities if I want a change.

      Then I was laid off almost 18 months ago. In interviews, I was never asked directly about my long stay at the company, although I did have the sense more than a few times that my experience/skills were viewed as very specific and non-transferable despite my best efforts to explain how that wasn’t true. So you can definitely become typecast if you have a long history at one place, especially if you try to switch industries.

      The end result is, the company offered my job back last week and I took them up on it. And I could see being a lifer if I have the same opportunities for new and different projects every year or so, especially since I wasn’t getting those opportunities elsewhere.

    13. ThursdaysGeek*

      I’m currently working at a utility, and have finally been here long enough to get 3 weeks of vacation. Most of my co-workers (if they are not young) have been here for 20-30+ years. A lot of co-workers have so much vacation they are always taking time off so they don’t lose it. I’m going to still only have 3 weeks of vacation when I retire, and for most of my career I’ve only had 2.

    14. Bea*

      My dad worked for the same company for 30 years. He only had one other job prior to finding his spot. He was content and rarely had complaints until his forced retirement.

      I think it’s great. Why leave if you don’t have the desire?

      I always go in assuming I’ll retire somewhere but life has changed my route. I only leave if I’m moving, the company is dissolving or they’re doing bad things that I don’t tolerate or are utterly terrible to me etc.

      People who complain and never try to do anything about their misery are the ones I tend to avoid.

    15. cat socks*

      I may be headed in that direction. I’ve been at my company for 17 years and it’s my first job out of college. The main reason I stay is because of the company culture. I have unlimited PTO and people are not dinged for taking time off. I can work from home as needed. It’s easy to leave early for appointments, etc.

      Just last week I had to take cat to the emergency vet. I emailed my manager and said I would be out of the office for a few hours. I took my laptop with me and was able to check in on work while I was waiting in the lobby. Also, my parents are getting older and need help getting around to doctor’s appointments.

      I struggle with depression and anxiety at times, so being able to work from home or needing to leave work early is really helpful.

      My last merit increase from a couple of years ago put me right at six figures, but I rarely work a full 40 hours a week or weekends. I’m sure I could look for a job elsewhere for more money, but I would lose out on all this flexibility.

      Also, my husband is in the process of looking for a new job so I don’t really want to look for something new while he is also job searching.

      When I have thought about job searching, I have wondered how my long tenure at one company would look on a resume. I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I need to, but for now I’m just comfortable where I am.

    16. LurkieLoo*

      I’ve been working with the same business owners (entrepreneur siblings) for nearly 20 years through 2 different businesses. The more recent (and much smaller) for half of that time. The business is super small and I love juggling the hats. It keeps life interesting. I also have decent pay, fair vacation, generous sick time, and partial paid health insurance. If they had not sold the previous business, I likely would have moved on eventually because there was just no room to progress. Not that I have anywhere further to progress in my current position, but at least work is fun and it pays well enough for my area.

      I also have a very solid contingency plan.

    17. Lora*

      In my field, for the most part:

      -The vast majority of employers give only cost of living raises. Some don’t even give that. In order to get a real raise, you must either get promoted or leave the company. Staying with a company a very long time means you will likely be paid substantially less than your peers: I make about 50-60% more than my peers who haven’t moved around much.
      -Re-orgs and layoffs are cyclical but eventually bite everyone. Usually due to takeovers, people do move jobs at least every 5-10 years if not more frequently. Startup type employees move more frequently, usually every 2-5 years as the companies are bought or go out of business.
      -My colleagues who haven’t moved around much tend to have a very narrow view of what is feasible or even possible. It’s just not possible to stay on top of everything that’s available and up and coming in the industry everywhere, but if you have been many places, you will see a much bigger slice of it, and you’ll get a better idea of what works and what doesn’t.
      -My colleagues who haven’t moved around much also have much narrower networks to draw on. For just about any given problem, I know at least three people who are SMEs with strong backgrounds and good problem solving skills. My colleagues have to Google and hope that they happen to pick a decent consultant.
      -Due to my network, on the occasions when I’ve been unemployed, it’s not been for long and usually just took a while to work through a given HR process or find a prospect I really liked; I have only rarely had to take a survival job or felt like I HAD to stay in a crummy job I hated. Mostly I have to send some emails, meet a few people for coffee/beer, and then just be patient with HR to process the paperwork. My colleagues who get laid off after decades at a single job are really lost and frustrated because they don’t know nearly as many people and have many fewer people familiar with them in a work context.
      -I know for an actual fact that some companies are great, many are just okay, some are dreadful. I never thought dreadful or even just okay was anything else, but I know people who have been at the same company for decades who think that below-average was the same as normal and “everywhere is like this”. It’s not.
      -I have a good idea of my skillset relative to my peers, and what it’s worth.
      -I have sort of moved from Position A to Tangentially Related Position B, and thus collected a fairly wide range of experience that I wouldn’t have been able to do in a single company of any size, thus get a really big picture view of how the industry overall operates; however this is fairly unique even in my field. A big company definitely wouldn’t have let me move to things so distantly related within itself, as they usually prefer you sort of percolate up through the ranks of an individual department, and a smaller company wouldn’t have been able to offer the really deep experience in each role using expensive software, lots of training and support etc.

    18. Anon4This*

      I am very wary about working for or hiring anyone who does not have what I call “diverse” work experience (obviously outside of entry-level positions where candidates typically have less than 5 years experience). This is simply due to the fact that every time I have, without exception, I end up with people who think the ONE way things were done at that company is the ONLY way to do things. People with a diverse background with experience at different companies know that there’s more than one way to skin a cat and have had to adapt to various company cultures, environments, processes, etc.
      Long story short, its something that has the potential to hurt your job search later down the road if you end up wanting to work for a manager who values that type of diversity.

    19. Urdnot Bakara*

      I don’t think there’s any problem with staying for one company for your whole career (or at the very least, a long time) so long as there *is* opportunity for growth, and I’ve seen some research that suggests this was actually much more commonplace for older generations of the workforce and that frequently moving is a more recent thing, and that it’s partially due to a differing sense of loyalty to the employer but also due to to just… jobs not being the same as they used to be. The argument was basically that younger members of the workforce have seen a lot less opportunity for upward mobility than older members, so they’ve learned to artificially create that mobility for themselves by finding a new job every couple of years. The labor market has just changed so much that it has necessitated more fluidity.

    20. Smarty Boots*

      Sometimes we stay at the same place even though we could earn more money or have a more interesting job somewhere else, this job allows us the flexibility we need to take care of a sick family member for many years, and doesn’t fire us when our work is shitty for awhile because we’re distracted because the sick family member gets sicker for awhile.

      Or other similar reasons.

      My general life advice: this may happen to you, and know that it is ok to let go of every bit of ambition and just be comfortable.

    21. Escapee from Corporate Management*

      It’s good for some people and not for others. If the person is rising to a high level, or rises to a level that they want, great! If the culture stays the same for their entire tenure, great! If they’re happy, great!

      The problem is that it’s hard to have all of these things occur. I was with one company for 11 years. Got promotions and interesting work. And then the layoffs came… I was at another company for a long time and very happy. I could have stayed there the rest of my career. Then new leadership changed the culture and I was gone.

      So if someone can find a company that is stable and where they remain satisfied with the job? Nothing wrong with that.

    22. Anon for this topic*

      This is actually very much the norm in my country, to the point where people who change jobs too much (maybe 3+ times?) can be penalized depending on the field. IT/tech and sales/retail/other fast-moving fields are more flexible, but most white-collar office jobs categorize employees into “temporary” and “permanent.” It affects everything from hiring practices (we categorize whether someone came in “since graduation” or “mid-career”), to firing/layoff, to HR practices. Because there isn’t a pool of mid-career external talent to pull from, companies have to grow their own and many companies move workers around to different areas of the company (or even different locations) to develop their careers and offer change. So you could start in sales, move to a different location as a sales director, become the director of accounting back at HQ, and then oversee all of HR as you move up and around the company. This creates a workforce that has a lot of well-rounded institutional knowledge and employees can try different things and develop their skills easily; also there are usually good retirement plans in place. The downside is employees have less agency in choosing their career path and there isn’t as much specialized knowledge.

      Because this is normal where I work, it’s created a big cultural divide with our US overlords who are used to people changing jobs many times over their career. It’s interesting to read how people perceive this, so thanks for sharing!

  23. Nervous Accountant*

    Kind of related to my post above–

    I talked about a situation I had last week where a manager (not my direct one) had yelled at me and the other issues I had with the other managers.

    One of the comments by GeniusCandyBar really resonated with me–instead of being broken up about why someone doesn’t respect me, remind myself that I too am allowed to lose respect for someone. my default is to respect others first rather than follow the “respect is earned, not given”

    One of the things I started wondering about was how *good* managers express issues/frustration with reports (either directly on their team or another team)? Am I asking the wrong question, in that they’re never supposed to get frustrated or upset? Like, can you be frustrated but professional?

    A few examples from my past:

    At a college job, the supervisor on duty yelled at me about something. I can’t remember what it was and I’m inclined to believe she was justified in yelling, but I was going to go to my boss about it, until she apologized.

    At a seasonal temp job, the program manager stopped communicating with me in the last 6 weeks or so. (I mean, I clearly wasn’t very good at that job but I also didn’t have any training or feedback so).

    At my current job, I first started as a temp seasonal position. My direct mgr yelled at me…I felt it was justified b/c of many other factors surrounding it. I still felt really embarrassed though but I learned never to make those mistakes again, so it worked?

    At another job, I had the psychotic boss who would yell and scream, refused to run payroll, smashed pens, belittled, was generally a delightful human. Obvs htat’s a hard NO to my question lol. In fact, that was when I created my current username lol. But he’s the one I think about when I think of bad bosses.

    My current boss, she doesn’t yell and is very soft spoken and “nice” in person. But she sends really really nasty emails and has a tendency to dump on some people and let others go scot free.

    I think so far the only one who’s done it right (IMO) is my current manager–he’s not a yeller, and has never yelled even when I made a mistake. Whenever there is an issue, he’s never been like the others.

    1. Nita*

      Yes, you can be frustrated but professional. I’ve been on the receiving end of that. I guess the idea is that you talk to the person calmly, but don’t mince your words about how much they messed up and what the mess-up has caused. And ask them why they did it. And tell them how you’d like them to proceed in the future (that’s a big one, makes it clear you’re not giving up on them or planning to fire them, but you do expect a better performance).

      It’s a fine line though, I kind of struggle with telling someone they messed up something major. On one hand, people make mistakes and I don’t want it to come across as a really big deal, but on the other hand I want to be clear that was a big problem and really shouldn’t happen again.

    2. Tara S.*

      I’m going to throw out there that you seem to have had a string of not great bosses. Most of that is not normal! Or acceptable! Most bosses do not and should not yell at you! And I know that you’re not alone in having bad bosses like this, but I just wanted to say that there are more bosses out there like your current one! May you never have a yeller boss again.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Yeah, I tend to go over my past history and seeing so many bad bosses, makes me wonder why am I so bad at everything that I keep getting these bosses??? Like, at some point, you have to realize you’re hte common denominator?

        The one I have now is good (the one who doesn’t yell) but I was working under him for about 2 years before we got to that point (it’s been 3.5 now). and tbh he’s a huge part of why I’m staying.

    3. OH GOD BEES*

      I think yelling in most workplaces is only acceptable when something urgent & important needs to be communicated over a distance – especially to convey an immediate safety risk. I think there’s a general exception for workplaces with a lot of extra, external noise (where yelling might be a necessary part of communication, even for less-urgent matters). Otherwise, I don’t find yelling to be appropriate or professional.

      While I think it’s okay to show some frustration, part of good management is being generally in control of your emotions and keeping perspective of the issue. This might mean being stern, critical, and clear about unacceptable outcomes or behaviours, but I think yelling usually impedes effective communication, rather than helps it – and effective communication is even more important when there’s been an unacceptable risk or mistake.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        You’re right. For the yellers, I’d say…one was also a college student like me, so we’re all on the same learning curve, the psycho boss was a psycho so I don’t question how wrong he was for being that way. The last one? It was tax season and he’d *just* walked in to the door, had other stuff going on, and I myslef realized how much I hate it when I don’t get a chance to sit down and settle in before someone comes to me w questions. So I never made that mistake again.

    4. Trisha*

      I don’t yell at my direct reports. I have a Director who yells and I’ve worked with him for years. I decided long ago, that’s not how I wanted to be viewed. There are times where I’m at the end of my rope and want to yell or show my frustration but I try very hard not to. I have said to employees, “I think we’re both a little to close to this situation right now. Let’s put this aside and meet tomorrow morning.” I also try to frame things from a Will OR Skill? perspective. If someone does something because they made a mistake and need coaching, I start with “so, what happened?” and then move on to “Moving forward, how do we ensure it doesn’t happen again?” If someone does something inappropriate because they are being a butthead, my response is more, “Do you understand why that behaviour is unacceptable? And how are you going to make certain it does not happen again?”

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I like that! That really helps esp since I’m in the lower-middle of the spectrum where I can give feedback but take it as well. I want to learn from my mgr on waht to do but my boss has taught me what NOT to be like. She is very osft spoken in person but gets super nasty in emails. While I can write a stern email, I definitely DONT want to be nasty like that. I feel bad, but I admit that I did get very nasty with my coworker. She was emailing me when I was out of the country for a funeral and I told her off. Neither of us apologized, nor got in trouble for it, but things are much better now between us. I don’t want to ever pull this thing that my boss does.

    5. Hillary*

      Yelling is never acceptable unless it’s in response to an immediate threat to safety.

      I manage vendors (not direct reports), but I have two approaches. 99% of the time it’s about a mistake that was probably introduced by honest error or systematic problems. It’s not personal. 1) This thing happened and we need to work together to address the immediate problem and then prevent it from recurring, or 2) I’m very disappointed that this bad thing happened, and you need to tell me how you’re going to make it right.

      When I’ve had direct reports, 1 is the response almost all the time. The times I’ve needed something else it’s been a straight up this is not acceptable, you need to understand that, and you need to make sure it doesn’t happen again. This isn’t for a human mistake, this is for an inappropriate interpersonal interaction. Tears may result on their part, and that’s ok.

    6. Overeducated*

      I’ve never been yelled at by a manager. I’ve received only negative feedback (thanks grad advisor), I’ve been told that I needed to improve on something if I wanted to keep my job (said SO kindly at my first summer job that I actually remember it with gratitude), I’ve had the “how are we going to prevent this from happening again” conversation, I’ve had a supervisor look and sound frustrated when staff weren’t understanding something obvious to them…but I’ve NEVER been yelled at, ignored, dumped on, or not paid.

      I think part of being a good manager is separating your emotions from your work enough that you can have those conversations calmly and focus on what needs to happen; that isn’t always possible to do in the moment, and if that’s the case, there needs to be a break first. My managers have definitely communicated about work issues, but expressing frustration was just not a necessary or effective part of those conversations. I think this is also an important skill to develop as an employee, and I think about how I’m doing on that front a lot since my job is pretty stressful right now.

    7. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve worked with some yellers and I can also be a yeller… but it depends on what type of yelling. I always ask myself the following:
      1. Is the yelling directed AT you? Meaning to belittle or shame you or someone else?
      2. Is the yelling just kind of in general because the yeller is extremely agitated, passionate, intense or worked-up, but not at a particular person? (like angry about a situation or process)
      3. Is there name calling or derogatory speak?
      4. Was the yelling conducted behind closed doors, but could still be heard?
      5. Was the yelling justified in any way, such as to advert something dangerous?

      Some people get upset about any kind of yelling or raising the voice in the workplace. But I guess I’m more tolerant about certain things like #2, #4 and #5 but definitely not #1 and #3 and I also look to see if the person cools down quickly after the outburst. For #4, I take the standpoint the person was behind a closed door for privacy. I know there was a discussion recently where a poster was going to report their boss for yelling on the phone in their own office with the door closed. I just found that sort of wrong. Closed-door privacy is privacy, and even if iyou can hear it, it should be respected as though you didn’t (Kind of like when your parents had sex! HaHaHa).

  24. ContractQuestioner*

    Help! I am a contractor treated like an employee.

    I signed a contract and began a contract position for 15-20 hours a week that focuses on interacting with alumni for a membership organization. The national nonprofit has an office staff of six, who are all contractors treated like standard employees. This means that everyone has an office with a desk phone and computer, a set schedule, business cards and a requirement to attend staff meetings and fill in for the office manager.

    Because of my status as a contractor paid a flat monthly rate from which all payroll taxes will be deducted, I want no part of this. I use my cell phone and laptop for the tasks assigned to me. I am looking for ways to address the limitations of my contractor status without upsetting my colleagues or sowing seeds of discontent.

    My goal is to continue to apply for full-time positions that have livable wages and benefits. I actually had a panel interview Tuesday, which upset the executive director. Her response troubled me and reinforced that she doesn’t truly comprehend the differences between employees and contractors.

    Does anyone have any suggestions? Can I use the W-9 and 1099 tax forms I receive as a rationale? How should I address questions about my schedule?

    1. Holly*

      I’m a little confused, are you saying you want to create boundaries so that you can keep the 15-20 hour schedule? It’s a tough situation because basically what you’re going to have to do is kindly say that what they’re asking is beyond the limits of the contractor contract and they’d have to hire you with benefits if they want you to be an employee. The response may be straight up firing you. Essentially, it sounds like this nonprofit is potentially doing illegal misclassification of its employees, but it reaaally depends on more facts.

      1. ContractQuestioner*

        Holly, my apologies for the confusing explanation.

        Here are the facts.

        1. I signed a contract and completed a W-9 tax form for which I will receive a 1099 at the end of the year.

        2. The contract outlined the goals for the position for the length of the contract. This did not mention any required time in the office or administrative responsibilities.

        3. No one in the office has their health insurance covered or their payroll tax deducted.

        4. I have checked with the IRS and Bureau of Labor websites and believe I am firmly in the right to stick with working remotely for an average of 20 hours per week.

        5. I don’t expect they will fire me because they desperately need warm bodies, and the ED knows I can do this job with minimal engagement and supervision. She also employees four other contractors who work outside of the office with no issues. I’m just the odd person out who apparently needs to help with admin, despite not be compensated appropriately for it.

        Sigh, I really wanted this to work out. I don’t want to end the contract because I feel exploited.

        1. Natalie*

          If you’re pretty confident they won’t fire you, just refuse (politely) to do the work that should be done by an actual employee. You can use the “we’ll get in trouble” sort of language that Alison suggests to soften it. You may have to decline more than once – unfortunately there’s no ironclad way to stop people from asking if they really want to.

        2. JessicaTate*

          You should start with what’s your objective / best outcome here? I’m reading it as: Ideally, you’d keep this gig, providing the deliverables outlined in the contract working remotely, in the time that is necessary to deliver the contracted work, and using your own resources (in other words, as an independent contractor). What you’re balking at is an ED asking you to start doing this work a) in their office, b) with their equipment, c) at their schedule times. Is that about right?

          I would suggest having that conversation with the ED bringing your actual contract to the table, which outlines responsibilities/deliverables for a flat fee. You could say that adding these new components would require a revision of the contract. I would also bring the Checklist from the IRS for assessing: Is this a person a contractor or employee. All of these things the ED wants show up on that checklist as “employee” territory. I would frame the conversation around whatever it is you want: “I want to deliver this work for you as an independent contractor, as we initially agreed and contracted for. That means I meet these goals, but I control how and when I do it (per this checklist from the IRS). If you are actually looking for an employee where you establish their schedule and work location and things like that, I’m not actually interested in that type of position.”

          OR, if you are interested in an employee role, but ONLY if you are hired as an employee (and they pay their share of the taxes), then you make that part of the statement. “I am willing to work in the way you’re requesting, but I would need to be hired and played as an employee in order to be comfortable with that.”

          And think about termination of the contract may be the outcome if you reach a total impasse. (Check out those clauses in your contract to know the procedure going in.) And that is not being fired. That is, they want to renegotiate the terms of the contract, and you don’t agree with the proposed change in scope. So, one/both are going to need to terminate the contract.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Well, if you want to go nuclear on them, feel free to report them to IRS or labor dept as classifying everyone as contractors when they’re really employees.

    3. Bea*

      Refuse to do tasks that you’re not contractually obligated to do.

      Not being an employee, there are no job descriptions.

      How is your contact in terms of termination? It’ll open another can of worms for them to terminate you for refusing to do administrative tasks you’re not obligated up do.

      1. ContractQuestioner*

        Bea, the contract is for 12 months but has an at-will termination policy (two weeks’ notice).

        I am likely to use a soft approach when declining additional tasks not listed in the contract and may mention that legally I’m self-employed and need to focus on securing other sources of income. The monthly rate is an unlivable pittance that requires supplemental income to meet my monthly budgeted needs.

        Thanks for your comment!

  25. Peaches*

    How do you deal with a coworker who won’t stop talking to you about his child’s athletic abilities (and insults you in the midst of it)?

    I am a woman in my mid 20’s. I have a male coworker in his mid 40’s. He is OBSESSED with telling me about his daughter’s soccer accomplishments, and every little detail about her team (multiple conversations every day). Now, normally I would welcome this sort of conversation, as I was a college soccer player, so of course this topic interests me. However, he for one, is clearly living vicariously through his child and is the classic, delusional parent who thinks his child is God’s gift to sports (i.e. “she should get more playing time”, “she is by far the best player on her team”, “she’s only 11, but she definitely is a D1 type player”, etc.) This is annoying and eye roll worthy, but I could actually get over that part if he didn’t insult me in the midst of his comments. Many, many times, he’s alluded to the fact that I was “just a D2 athlete”. For instance, “My daughter has gotten to go watch D2 soccer games, ya know, at the level you played at, but she’s just really wanting to go to a higher level than that”, or, “it’s just amazing the difference in athletic ability between the D1 and D2 games we’ve attended. My daughter is definitely striving for D1, that’s where she’ll definitely be at someday.”

    Maybe I’m overreacting, but I just find it super rude for him to say these things to me on a daily basis when he knows I was a D2 athlete. I am proud of the school I attended and the team I played for, and I hate that he downplays my experience. I usually just nod and turn back to my computer to focus on my work, but he continues these conversations with me every day. I don’t want to sound like a petty young woman concerned about how a coworker views me as a soccer player – that isn’t important to me. I simply would like to not be insulted. How can I more easily cut off these conversations in the future? Any advice is appreciated! TIA!

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I’d probably say something like, “Hey, I love soccer as much as you do, but I think I need a break from talking about it.” Or just making vague, soft “Mm-hm” noises without looking at him when he says stuff.

    2. WellRed*

      He’s not downplaying your experience so much as he DOESN’T CARE about your experience and why should he? He is bragging about this daughter, not insulting you. Also, he sounds annoying and I feel bad for his daughter. I mean, she’s 12, not Mia Hamm. Who cares how a random coworker’s kid plays soccer? I think you should find a way to curtail these conversations.

      1. Peaches*

        I’m certainly not asking him to care about my experience – why would he? It’s the fact that he’s always mentioning how “unathletic” D2 athletes are. That is insulting to me. I, too, feel bad for his daughter. I had teammates with parents like that as a child, and always felt bad for them.

        1. Lavender Menace*

          It’s also just plain inaccurate. I did grad school at a Division 1 school that didn’t give scholarships to athletes and had student athletes who were decent but not amazing. There are athletes at Division 2 schools that could run rings around them. There are also many reasons why an athlete who is good enough to go Division 1 might choose to go to a Division 2 or even a Division 3 school instead.

      2. Washi*

        I mean, he is insulting Peaches. I would imaging he’s not quite so focused on the difference between D1 and D2 with people who have never played before.

        But yeah, as much as I would love to give him a snarky comeback because he sounds like THE WORST I would probably just cut him off right at the beginning with “ahhh sorry, can’t talk! need to focus!” and then turn back to your work.

          1. Lily in NYC*

            Division 1 in college vs Division 2. Division 1 is the college “big time” in sports. For example, televised college basketball and football games are Division 1 teams. So he is insulting peaches by saying his daughter is just SO MUCH better even though she’s 11 years old and it’s really too soon to tell.

            2. RVA Cat*

              It’s beyond rude that he’s insulting Peaches like this.

              I also can’t help but think of his reaction if his daughter “only” ends up playing D2. Or drops soccer altogether to spite him….

    3. Time for a gnu name*

      Depending on your rapport with the guy otherwise, here are a few options I’d entertain.
      Keep in mind, I’m a smart aleck that has little patience for egoes.
      Him: …you were *just* a D2 athlete.

      [Light snark response]
      You: Oh, you’re right, I was D2 – remind me again… what level did you play at in college? I always forget.

      [Logical response]
      You: Hope (daughter) stays interested in the meantime! A lot can happen between 11 and college!

      [Humor response]
      You: Oh, I know! That D2 label has just pestered me all throughout my adult life!

      I would also be inclined to just look at the guy and roll my eyes every single time he says it. So obnoxious! (Also, I had to laugh when you said the kid is 11. Athletic ability changes a lot over the years that follow age 11. Oh my.)

      1. Time for a gnu name*

        In reading your suggestions again, I see I missed the point (wanting to be able to cut off the topic quickly). My first suggestion might still help with that though! :)

      2. Peaches*

        Haha, this made me laugh – thank you for the lighthearted suggestions. :)

        I especially like your suggestion to respond with “hope (daughter) stays interested”. He actually has an older daughter who was a gymnast that quit because she was burnout. I remember my coworker about a year ago when he quit how he was trying his best to convince her to stick with it. I wouldn’t be surprised if his pushiness was part of the reason she quit!

        It’s definitely obnoxious. That’s kind of just his personality in general. I just heard him telling another coworker this morning how he “would have been an all-conference type football player in college” had he not gotten hurt in high school. I was silently rolling my eyes from my desk!

        Also, yes, the fact that she is only 11 years old makes it even more absurd.

        1. Muriel Heslop*

          My sister played D1 soccer and she has a stock reply for this pervasive and extremely annoying preoccupation of sports-obsessed parents: It’ll be interesting to see where they end up!

          Okay, it’s not that interesting. But people seem to understand that concludes the conversation (for the moment.) She also coaches and she says when people complain about middle schoolers they should be complaining about the parents!

        2. ginger ale for all*

          His new office nickname should be Lady Catherine.

          From Lady Catherine De Bourgh in Pride and Prejudice – “If you are speaking of music…it is of all subjects my delight. There are few people in England I suppose, who have more true enjoyment of music than myself, or a better natural taste. If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient. And so would Anne, if her health would have allowed her to apply. I am confident that she would have performed delightfully. – Lady Catherine de Bourgh in Pride and Prejudice”

          2. Rat in the Sugar*

            I feel like he’s also a bit of an Uncle Rico–“Man, if Coach had just put me in the game, we’d’ve made State, no doubt in my mind…whaddya wanna bet I can throw a football over them damn mountains??”

        3. TootsNYC*

          Or there’s, “I hope she doesn’t burn out–all the pressure of people’s expectations can be pretty heavy. Excuse me, I have to get something from the printer.”

          And then when you come back emptyhanded, “Oh, I forgot to press print. I’ll get it later.”

        4. Grouchy Potato*

          NPR just had an interview with a filmmaker(?) who interviewed all these top athletes and to a person they all said “greatness comes from within, not from a sports obsessed parent” So maybe send him that link and it’ll shut him up? (It was one segment on All of It on NPR today)

      3. Lavender Menace*

        Interest changes a lot too. My cousin’s daughter said for years that it was her dream to go to Juilliard and pursue a career as a professional dancer. She started dancing when she was around 3 or 4. Just last year, at age 12, she decided she didn’t want to do dance anymore; she wanted to play field hockey instead. *shrug*

    4. Nita*

      Ugh, I have a neighbor like that – we used to live next door. Kind of like a coworker situation, because she’d pop over a lot, and I couldn’t get away from these conversations. Not soccer specifically, but she’d gush non-stop about her kids being baby geniuses, while pointedly looking over at my kids who were NOT memorizing Greek mythology at three :) It was definitely an attempt to build herself up at our expense. I don’t know if I believe everything she claimed, but it was tempered by the fact that her kids are grown adults, and she keeps bragging about the same couple of things from years and years ago, and my annoyance was getting mixed with pity because she keeps going on and on about this to fill some kind of gap in her present life.

      She’s a nice woman really, and has helped my family in a tough spot more than once. Still, I wasn’t enjoying the conversations, so I just started tuning them out and just responding with “Uh-huh” every time. Once she starts going on about the baby geniuses, I don’t even listen, just nod when she pauses for breath. She doesn’t notice and I’m pretty sure she’s just happy to have a listener, and totally oblivious to the fact that I’m not listening.

      1. Lissa*

        I question a lot of things when people do this about their grown children – ie, constantly referring to how amazing they were as babies. No stories about them being geniuses in high school? It makes me wonder if the kids were like me. I learned to read at 3 (not Greek myths though, so I’m a lesser genius level!), was “super advanced” through about midway elementary school, then got thoroughly mediocre grades in high school, and am now working a job I enjoy that pays the bills but am not setting the world on fire anytime soon. I have come to believe that being a baby genius relates not at all to how one will be as an adult, lol.

        1. Nita*

          Sadly, me too. I was also a “baby genius” (haven’t told the neighbor, because I don’t want to fuel that conversation!) didn’t do anything remarkable, and am definitely not living up to it now. I keep telling myself I will do something bigger if I ever leave my full-time job, but right now that’s not in the cards so who knows.

          Her kids did well enough, but also nothing extraordinary, so the genius stories kind of end somewhere before first grade :)

          1. Lissa*

            Interestingly, I’m not even sad about it. I was a really really stressed out child who would hide under my desk if I got even one question wrong, and was pretty miserable as a “gifted” child. I’m much happier as a moderately OK adult, lol.

            1. Slartibartfast*

              Hear, hear from another 3 year old reader not living up to her potential. The stress is so not worth it. My mediocre self is quite happy to not keep up with the Joneses.

              1. Seeking Second Childhood*

                Ack… “not living up to potential” is one of those report card phrases that I came to dread.
                Right up there with “improvement needed” on report card formats that try to be all encouraging.

      2. Thursday Next*

        The funny thing is that parents who have kids doing something at a high level don’t brag to all and sundry about it. One of my son’s friends is top 5 nationally in chess, and his parents don’t really talk about it. I imagine people talk about things with parents in similar situations, like elite gymnasts’ parents probably talk to each other about their kids more than to their coworkers.

        The braggiest parents I’ve met have kids who are “ordinary good” at something, whereas the ones with kids at Juilliard are pretty chill. That’s just my experience—YMMV.

    5. Temperance*

      What I have done when men try to neg me, which is what he’s doing, is asking what HE accomplished. So next time he starts saying dumb crap about “just” being D2, throw it back at him Say that you’re proud of what you accomplished, you enjoyed your time playing for your school, and ask him what HIS experience was with D1 soccer.

      When he gets back to you and says that he didn’t play D1, you can then throw the awkward back at him and say that you assumed he did, since he talks about it so much.

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        “I assume you did because you talk about it so much” is hilarious! I almost want someone to persistently annoy me about their kid so I can say this.

    6. Auntie Social*

      Tell him you didn’t want to bring it up, but you WERE a D1 when you were her age, but as you got older you became a D2. So, things happen, interests change, etc. So, the way he should look at it is that his daughter is a D1 player . . . FOR NOW.

    7. bb-great*

      No advice but OMG I would have punched this dude already, so kudos to you for your restraint. I feel bad for his daughter, too–if he’s this obnoxious to you I imagine he must be a horrible sports parent.

      1. Peaches*

        Haha, thank you! I feel bad for his daughter too. I had teammates growing up who had parents just like him, and they were awful.

    8. Trisha*

      I know you’re really proud of your daughter and you should be. I just can’t talk about soccer right now. Thanks for understanding.

      1. Trisha*

        Sorry – should have given context – that’s what I recommend saying to him. Short, sweet, too the point.

    9. AMA Long-time Lurker*

      I have a coworker who similarly used to pop by my desk multiple times a day to chatter about non-work related things in a very one-sided manner. I have discouraged him from doing this over time using the following combinations of behavior:
      -Continue typing and looking at keyboard while injecting “mmhmm, “oh yea,” and “totally.” Do not turn your chair around and engage – stay busy looking! Body language matters.
      -Literally just saying, “Sorry, I’m in the middle of something right now.”
      -Less blunt: “Oh, shoot, just got an email I should check out.”
      -White lie: “Scuse me, I was just about to run to the restroom!”
      Said employee not floats over to other people who indulge him (and might actually enjoy the banter while I do not).

    10. Drop Bear*

      How annoying, and poor daughter(s). You probably can’t pelt him with soccer balls every time he approaches you, so in lieu of that I’d give one of the non-committal responses others have suggested- I like the ‘I’m glad she enjoys it, but I have to get back to my work now’, suggestions. And hey, perhaps his unloading his obnoxiousness on you spares his daughter a little of it!

    11. CDM*

      My professional response would be to be direct. “I’m happy to hear about your daughter and soccer as long as you make zero disparaging comments about D2 soccer. Then every single time he says something disparaging – “We’re done – bye.” Headphones may be helpful – you don’t even have to listen to anything – but put them on to not give him the opportunity to JADE about why you shouldn’t take it that way, etc.

      The problem is, anything less than direct, any hints, evasions, he’s just going to spin to himself, and probably to others, about how you’re jealous or bitter that his kid is a better player than you were. He’s not going to pick up on any hints that he’s being an insufferable blowhard unless hit over the head with a clue-by-four.

      My snarky side would like to find some of the office EAP literature and hand it to him next time he starts. “You need to speak to a professional about your pathological need to boost your self-esteem by disparaging my soccer career. That’s just not how adults act.”

    12. Parenthetically*

      I like a combination of “It’ll be interesting to see where she ends up… now how about these TPS reports?” and “Yeah, poor me, only a D2 soccer player, I’m sure the shame will follow me for the rest of my life… now how about these TPS reports?”

      If I liked the guy other than this, and/or thought he was likely to snap out of it with a little common sense, I might take a minute and say, “Hey, you know, it’s my experience that the majority of kids who play soccer in elementary school — even the good ones — end up losing interest or having other priorities over time, and I’d hate to think that if a kid didn’t continue after a certain point, or ‘only’ played D2 ball, any parent would be disappointed in them. There’s nothing wrong with playing D2, and there’s nothing wrong with not playing at all. Just my two cents as a former college athlete… now how. about. those. TPS. reports. BOB.” If he has any social skills at all, he’ll take this as the “Do Not Enter” sign it’s meant to be.

      Will it work with this particularly clueless-sounding dude? I am not confident.

      1. Peaches*

        I really like your verbiage! It’s so true – I played with so many gifted players growing up who didn’t play in college for either a lack of interest, or because they peaked at an early age and just weren’t as talented when they got older. And that’s okay! A lot of them are really good at other things and excel in their adult lives. I feel bad for his daughter that he’s pigeon holing her into this one thing (soccer). Unless she becomes a professional (unlikely), there will be a lot more important qualities to possess as an adult (kind, encouraging, easy going, smart, etc.)

        I am also not confident ANYTHING will work. Honestly (and I know this sounds mean), he’s just not very smart. He’s an excellent sales rep (which he will tell you all day long), but conversationally, it’s VERY apparent he’s not the sharpest tack.

    13. Blue*

      I used to work at a D3 university that was very strong academically, and I had several student athletes who transferred away from D1 schools (where they had at least partial scholarships for athletics) because they decided playing the absolute best soccer/volleyball/etc. wasn’t their biggest priority in college. There’s a very good chance I’d say something like, “You know, people end up at D2 and D3 institutions for all kinds of reasons. What if she falls in love with a D2 school? Surely you wouldn’t want your obsession with top-tier athletics to deter her from attending her dream school,” with some comment stressing her enjoyment of the sport. But I can be a bit more confrontational than is wise…

      1. Peaches*

        So very true! I went to a D2 school because I liked the small class sizes and the overall feel of the University. We also had a lot of athletes transfer to our school from D1 schools. My coworker is of the opinion that “if you don’t play a D1 school, you probably suck at sports.” I knew lots of mediocre athletes who went D1 so they could tell people they went D1 (and most of them sat the bench for four years). I also knew a lot of excellent athletes who went D2, D3, or NAIA because they liked the small campus, location, classes, and perhaps wanted to go somewhere where they could get ample playing time right off the bat.

        I love your suggested response – it might actually make him think about the sort of pressure he could be putting on his daughter.

        1. Blue*

          Yes! All of this. If you do say something to point out that D1 isn’t the definitive sign of a quality athlete, I’d definitely throw in parts of your experience. You can really hammer home the idea that, like most things related to deciding on a college, a lot of it can come down to the individual person’s priorities, and being on the flashiest team is not what every skilled athlete wants out of their college experience. He may not buy it, but it can’t hurt to plant that seed! (This guy sounds super obnoxious, by the way. His poor kid – and poor you!)

      2. Sparkly Librarian*

        My sister went to a school with a competitive D2 team, and they paid her way completely. She could balance school and sport commitments (was a multi-year Scholar-Athlete awardee), was kind of a big fish in a small pond, and also enjoyed her time in college. She COULD’VE gone to a D1 school with a partial or full-tuition scholarship, but would then have come out of it with massive student loans. I don’t think she regrets it!

    15. cactus lady*

      “Hahaha, that was SO LONG AGO” (it wasn’t, but that’s not the point, the point is you aren’t a college student anymore and he needs to not address you like one).

    16. Gumby*

      My understanding is that D1 and D2 have more to do with the size and $-spent-on-sports of the school. It should come as no surprise that the larger, spendier school have teams that tend to be more competitive on average but that says nothing about any particular individual athlete.

      PLUS, it irks me that all he’s looking at is the supposed prestige of the athletic program as if people don’t choose colleges based on a variety of factors most of which are not related to sports at all. Yes, even athletes are allowed to care about academics. Or campus size. Or distance from home. Or any number of things other than sports. Under his rubric CalTech, for example, is a non-starter since it is a division III school. Hope his daughter isn’t into science or engineering.

      But as for actionable advice, maybe “hey, co-worker, I’m happy your daughter is enjoying soccer. But when you make comments that disparage division 2 schools, you are insulting me and my college. Would you mind keeping those opinions to yourself around me?” Assuming his jerkishness is limited to this topic and it’s plausible that he doesn’t realize how his comments come across. If he’s a jerk in other ways, maybe just shut all soccer convos down.

      1. Peaches*

        Your understanding is 100% correct!

        Also, yes, it totally irks me too! There are SO many other factors that go into choosing a college. It actually makes me sad for his daughter that all he (seemingly) cares about is her as a soccer player. Not her as a math whiz, or her as a caring, nice person, or her as a comic relief, or WHATEVER it is. Unless she becomes a professional athlete, whether she played soccer at a D1 school is really, really not going to be very important when she’s an adult.

    17. Independent George*

      Reminds me of my inlaws who love to tell the story of my poor brother in law getting benched on his HS basketball team though he was clearly one of the strongest players on the team. The guy is almost 50 now. I’ve grown so tired of the story, I now tell my spouse, “Johnny was clearly robbed of his future career in the NBA. Poor guy.”

      Honestly, I get a bit blunt when I grow tired of hearing the delusions. I would probably tell this guy that I find his disdain for D2 athletes insulting. Not everyone is on a path to professional sports, but that you loved your experience as a D2 athlete and wouldn’t trade it for the world. Hey, I’m a proud parent too, but this guy needs to take it down a notch.

      1. Thursday Next*

        What is it with parents who persist in talking about their middle-aged children’s high school days? I mean, I understand if Mr. and Mrs. Retton refer to Mary Lou’s teenage years every now and then, but short of that, it just doesn’t make sense.

    18. ..Kat..*

      To me, the big problem is that he is wasting your time. Time that you and he are being paid to work. I would just focus on “I have to get back to work. Hope your daughter continues to do well.”

    19. valentine*

      “I’m all talked out about soccer.” Follow up/broken-record: “Nevertheless…” Establish you’re going to be observing quiet time but he can interrupt for work stuff. When he blabs, say, “Hold that thought” and go back to quiet time. I hate these situations because the wires were crossed. You were supposed to meet the daughter, who would totally love to talk to a real-life D2 woman. Instead, you’re stuck with someone whose best counter is a voice-activated air horn or, if he has milder days, a Big Mouth Billy Bass.

    20. all the candycorn*

      Girls’ soccer has a higher rate of concussions than boys’ football. You could remind him of that, “Oh it’s so great she loves soccer, but with the concussion rate being what it is, let’s just hope she’s still fortunate enough to be cleared to play in 7 years!”

    21. AsItIs*

      Start to quote him some facts about the game. Wikipedia is a useful source. Bore him with it.

      Practise it as “word vomit”. :D

      “Ah yes soccer. You know it’s originally called football. Americans took the name and gave to another sport, which was copied from rugby. And rugby is named after the school. But back to football. Did you know the English have played a form of football for over 600 years? That’s long before Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And did you know many times it was banned? And did you know that is was a holiday event for Shrove Tuesday across England?”

      Don’t let him get a word in.

      “D1. D2. That doesn’t matter, because did you know that in some places in England a few hundred years ago that the goals could have been as much as three miles apart? Now that is being fit!”

      (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_football_in_England)
      “The earliest reference to football is in a 1314 decree issued by the Lord Mayor of London, Nicholas de Farndone, on behalf of King Edward II. Originally written in Norman French, a translation of the decree includes: “for as much as there is great noise in the city caused by hustling over large footballs in the fields of the public, from which many evils might arise that God forbid: we command and forbid on behalf of the King, on pain of imprisonment, such game to be used in the city in the future”.[5] The earliest known reference to football that was written in English is a 1409 proclamation issued by King Henry IV. It imposed a ban on the levying of money for “foteball”.[6] It was specific to London, but it is not clear if payments had been claimed from players or spectators or both. The following year, Henry IV imposed fines of 20 shillings on certain mayors and bailiffs who had allowed football and other “misdemeanours” to occur in their towns. This is the earliest documentary evidence of football being played throughout England.[7]

      At the end of the sixteenth century, the game was still rough and unsophisticated but, in 1581, the scholar and headmaster Richard Mulcaster provided the earliest account of football as a team sport. He insisted that the game had “a positive educational value as it promoted health and strength”. He suggested that it would improve if there were a limited number of participants per team and a referee in full control of proceedings.[4] Until the time of the English Civil War and the Commonwealth in the mid-17th century, opposition to football was mainly due to the public disturbance it allegedly caused. In 1608, for instance, it was banned in Manchester because of broken windows. The Puritans objected to it for a different reason. In their view, it was a “frivolous amusement”, as were the theatre and several other sports. The big issue in the Puritan mindset was “violation of the Sabbath” and, once in power, they were able to impose a ban on Sunday entertainment which, in the case of sport, still prevailed for 300 years after the Restoration. Folk football was still played on weekdays, though, especially on holidays. It continued to be disorganised and violent. Despite Mulcaster’s proposals, matches involved an indefinite number of players and sometimes whole villages were ranged against each other on a playing area that encompassed fields and streets.[4]

      There is mention of football being played at Cambridge University in 1710. A letter from a certain Dr Bentley to the Bishop of Ely on the subject of university statutes includes a complaint about students being “perfectly at Liberty to be absent from Grace”, in order to play football (referred to as “Foot-Ball”) or cricket, and not being punished for their conduct as prescribed in the statutes.[8] It was at Cambridge University that the first rules of association football were drafted in the nineteenth century. In the meantime, folk football continued to be played according to local rules and customs.[3] “

  26. De Minimis*

    A permanent job came open when I work [I’m a fed contractor] so I applied. I’m not sure of my chances, and it’ll almost certainly get back to my supervisor if I do end up being under serious consideration [it’s essentially in the same department.] I’ve only been there about two months, but I feel like I can’t pass up the opportunity at a permanent position. It’s also involving work that I’d probably find a little more engaging than what I’m currently doing.

    On paper, I’d think my chances are good, but you just never know, and I’m not sure how their system works, I might not make it through initial screening if it’s something where the hiring manager doesn’t even see all the applications.

    I’m a little more used to my job, but as it stands right now I can’t see myself sticking around here more than 1-2 years, even if my position was kept after the contract goes up for bid in a couple of years. It’s pretty much a dead end and the benefits aren’t good at all. I’m middle aged and I’ve never really felt like I’ve been all that connected to a career–I still job hop fairly frequently, though that’s not always due to my own decision [had budget cuts at the last job, and had to leave the job before that because my spouse was relocating for work]–but it always seems as if I always end up heading for the exit after 1-2 years. I’m wondering if it may be too late to change my ways.

    1. Not All*

      I’ve worked in federal agencies for a couple decades, and I’ve never once encountered a manager who would be upset with a term or contract employee who made a try at a permanent position. (Managers who would be upset about lots of other things they shouldn’t, yes, but not this.) It’s SUCH a normal thing in federal agencies.

      On the job itself, don’t get upset if you don’t get it. Realistically, it is VERY hard to get hired into most federal positions even if you are far and away the most qualified unless you have some type of preference points. It’s really, really hard to beat the vets preference points in an “open to the public” position otherwise. I can’t tell you how many positions I’ve been on hiring panels for that we saw someone (or several someones) who were super qualified and we really wanted, but we couldn’t hire them because they were blocked by far less qualified vets. (Yes, I’m aware that’s not how the vets preference system was intended to work…but that doesn’t change that that’s how it’s being implemented in most agencies and that no politician or agency director is going to touch the issue with a 20 foot pole.)

      Good luck…I hope you get it!!!

      1. De Minimis*

        Yeah, I’m not really expecting it, but thought I’d give it a chance. The person who once held my current job got a federal position here [and isn’t a vet] so it can happen. Generally when I apply to these jobs I often at least get referred due to prior federal experience, though I’ve applied at this agency in the past [before coming on board as a contractor] and didn’t get referred.

        Sometimes it’s hard even with preference! I’m eligible under a Special Hiring Authority, but only for certain agencies. Even then I often don’t get interviewed, though I usually get referred. I did have one interview last year for a job similar to an old one I held, but they decided not to hire me. I think I may be blackballed in that region for having left a job in the past….or at the very least, they may think I’m not reliable.

        I’m not in love with my current location, so if I don’t get the job I won’t be heartbroken….

        1. Not All*

          Good luck!

          I just always feel obligated to warn people that not being selected in federal hiring can have even less to do with whether you are qualified, interviewed well, etc than in the ‘normal’ work world because the vets preference throws such a monkey wrench in things. I’ve talked to quite a few people who were really blaming themselves for doing something ‘wrong’ during the process when the truth was we would have LOVED to hire them but just couldn’t. I hate to see people blaming themselves. Especially when often the answer is to apply for permanent positions in super undesirable locations to get your status, then start applying where you really want to work after that year.

          They did change the rules so that people can count term and seasonal employment (and even some volunteer work) towards being eligible to apply as if you were already a permanent employee. For those positions, preference points don’t count so it’s a much fairer playing field. Depending on your background, it may be worth talking to an HR person to see if you can get recategorized under that.

  27. Alternative Person*

    So work finally clamped down on the time-card padding people were doing but in the process eliminated all the designations we’d use to claim for things like travel/informal client facing time etc.

    It super needed to happen but my manager is now using it as a stick to try and get me to pick up work with two clients I currently refuse to work with for reasons he well knows and haven’t been resolved or even tempered (nothing awful-awful, more I’m-not-risking-my-career-because-they-decide-to-lie territory) as I’ve lost better paid time because of this change. I can afford to hold firm fortunately. But, next time hours come up at my contract job, I’m going to take them.

    Obnoxious part timer seems to have been protected in all this though, despite being part of the issue. Apparently she was complaining about losing the salary that she had been promised. I get it, she planned up to her means but I don’t think it’s fair that she’s claiming to be losing her salary when she was padding her time card in the first place . She has been getting more client hours to make up some of the difference.

    1. Auntie Social*

      Shouldn’t she get the two awful clients? As in, that’s what happens when you pad your time cards? If two godawful clients aren’t a lesson in honesty, I don’t know what is.

      1. Alternative Person*

        To be honest, I think she should be let go, for both the padding and for other reasons.

        As for the two clients, they’re a couple of young-ish kids who play the ‘you’re no fun so I’m going to play up game’. Most of my co-workers go with the ‘no, I’m so much fun, I’ll prove it!’ approach (including the Obnoxious part timer). So, they for the most part get along fine even if they don’t keep up with their work.

        I go with the ‘well, lets do the work your supposed to do, to a reasonable standard and we’ll see about something fun later’. They then stall/play around till the end of the period. The last time I taught the younger one, they starting hitting me (and I mean hitting, not kid flailing) because I wouldn’t let them play a game. The last time I taught the older one, they threatened to tell very damaging lies about me to the manager/others.

        I had very stern talks with both of them, reported it to my manager, who followed up. My manager than told me the lie thing was a joke, (in fact, he reported the very line I had said to the kid to me). I said without clear improvement, apologies and action plans I would not work with either of them again.

        They have not improved. I haven’t gotten anything. I don’t want to put myself out there when I’m not going to be backed up by other staff. These kids know what they’re doing. They know how to play people off one another, get what they want and avoid work.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Whoa, these kids are seriously bad news. Keep refusing to work with them. Also, I hope you have documentation about what happened and your boss’s response. And, as always, keep a copy at home.

  28. NewMom*

    I’m scheduled for an all-day interview on Monday. I emailed the person coordinating my schedule saying I’d need a 30 minute break every 3-4 hours (so 3 breaks b/c interview goes 8am-dinner) to pump. They said of course.
    I just got my schedule and those breaks don’t take into account walking from place to place. For at least one of the breaks, I can tell that I will have max 15 minutes in an office to pump. Which is the time I actually *pump* for, but I need at a minimum 3 minutes on either end to get situated with all the stuff. And it’s hard to drain the boobs if I’m feeling like I’m rushing to pump.
    Do I speak up? Or just do my best to roll with it? I feel like it’s late now to change the schedule for Monday. If it were the first or last pump, I’d be more inclined to get it go (aiming to pump longer before the day or at the end of the day), but it’s in the middle of the day. I’m prone to clogs and mastitis.
    Thoughts from other pumping moms who have interviewed? I’m worried about seeming high maintenance for saying their accommodation isn’t enough.

    1. CaitlinM*

      (I pumped for 12 months). If two of the breaks are adequate and one is short, I would probably just roll with it.

      1. NewMom*

        I think I’ve landed here. I might be a bit uncomfortable, but I don’t think its worth mucking with the entire schedule.

        1. No Name Yet*

          I can see that. Most of the time when I was pumping, that would have been just fine. I would recommend wearing good nursing pads, if you’re at all prone to leaking – might be more likely if you’re not totally empty, and one less thing to think about. Good luck!

    2. Nita*

      I’ve done all-day exams, and a few visits to places with no private space, while pumping. Break time was very limited (10-15 minutes a break). I brought a hand pump, rushed into a bathroom stall and did a very quick five-minute pump on each side. I was pretty uncomfortable on those days, and am also prone to clogs, but it was not a long-term thing so I put up with it.

      I also saved time by cleaning the pump only once, when I got home. The milk has pretty good anti-bacterial properties, so that worked well enough and I never had mold or spoilage problems. It actually felt less gross than trying to wash anything in a public bathroom sink, with random people milling around.

      1. NewMom*

        I throw mine in my cooler bag at work (not using the shared fridge. Nope. Never. Not even for food), so I’m used to not worrying about washing. I wash 1x per day.

    3. Friday afternoon fever*

      (I have never pumped, but) I feel like it’s very reasonable to reach out (ASAP!) and say something like

      Thanks so much for accommodating me. Looking at the schedule, I realized that, taking into account travel time from place to place, for X break I will need an additional 10 minutes [or 15? you said “max 15,” it may be better to build in a few extra minutes so you’re not stressed]. Can we build this in? I realize this is a last-minute request and I appreciate your flexibility around my health needs.

      In my opinion, if you just got your schedule today, it’s not too late to change for Monday — if it is, they should have sent it sooner — and an extra 10-15 minutes doesn’t sound like a big deal. It could be inconvenient from their end, but it’s absolutely fine to ask for, and no reasonable person who will respect your accommodation needs once hired would throw out your candidacy for this.

      1. Friday afternoon fever*

        Think of it less as “I am asking for a longer break” and more of “I am asking for the length of the break I originally requested, and they meant to give me a break of this length but due to a misunderstanding/oversight of travel time, they did not”

    4. Gumby*

      How closely does the organization stick to the interview schedule? Does a 5 minute difference need to be documented? Can it be worked out the day of with the individual interviewers? We… do not stick very closely to ours and it is not uncommon to be off by 5 -15 minutes. Slipping an extra few minutes in to pump would not be an issue.

    5. LurkieLoo*

      From an interview scheduling person, if you told me you needed 3 breaks for 30 minutes each, I would assume you had calculated in your setup and travel time. Part of that is because I have no clue about pumping and would have not thought at all about 30 minutes not being long enough to get between places and set up and pump. Yes, I’m clueless in that regard. If I gave you exactly what you asked for and now you’re asking for more, I would probably be slightly annoyed. Although probably not to the point of it being a make or break thing.

      Also . . . the parts scheduled before the breaks might be the kind of thing that is scheduled for an hour, but could easily finish up in 45 minutes.

      PS – an all day interview sounds brutal! Good luck on Monday!

      1. NewMom*

        I kinda thought things would all be in the same building, not 1-2 blocks apart. I don’t see how I could have anticipated that. 30 minutes definitely includes set up. As I said, I only need to pump for 15 minutes. Add set up/take down and I need like 20-22. I don’t think it was crazy to assume at 30 minute break would allow for that amount of time actually sitting in the private room.
        All of the appointments before breaks are 20-30 min, so I doubt they will be shortened. If stuff runs over, I’m in trouble.
        But yeah, fear of annoying people means I won’t speak up. They also told me (in a follow up email from someone else) that there is no place to store the milk/pump but that they don’t recommend a roller bag b/c the walking (I said in my first email “Can I store a cooler bag and pump in the room? If not, I’ll just bring my small roller bag for the day.” And the response was basically, no, don’t do either of those things.) . So I’m going to be lugging a tote with a heavy battery powered pump everywhere I walk.
        Not the best vibe! I’m kinda worried.

        1. LurkieLoo*

          I think you could try an “oops . . . didn’t realize the distance between meetings, any chance of extending the XX:XX break to XX:XY?” and see if they can move things. It’s all around sucky because you’re kind of darned if you do and darned if you don’t, and so are they.

          I do hope this is just a bump and you love the culture and company otherwise (and that they love you)!

        2. WellRed*

          Isn’t walking what…roller bags are for? I would think that’d be better than lugging something heavy. And, no place to store anything? I don’t think this is going to be a mom friendly workplace. Please come back and update.

        3. Close Bracket*

          > they don’t recommend a roller bag b/c the walking

          > So I’m going to be lugging a tote with a heavy battery powered pump everywhere I walk.

          Feel free to disregard that advice regarding the roller bag. A roller bag might be awkward due to walking, but lugging a bag by hand is worse. Show up with the roller bag, and when they say something, say, “Oh, I thought about what you said regarding walking, but the roller bag is much better for walking than a hand carried bag would be, and I do have to keep the bag with me. Thanks for understanding!”

          Although, that said, how big is this roller bag? I’m picturing something on the small side, like large-briefcase/small backpack size, not carry-on luggage size.

          1. zora*

            Yeah, ignore all this bs and just do what you need to do, and don’t even bother to talk to them about it ahead of time. Bring the roller bag, and take your time when pumping until you are actually done and packed up. They aren’t going to barge in or knock and hurry you along, they will be waiting until you come out anyway, so just take your time, and if it means you’re 5-10 min late for the next session, they will all deal.
            And then one of two things will happen (I think) and you will have learned valuable information:

            1. They will all roll with it, no one will even notice, and everything will be fine. Because the problem is that their scheduler is not good with details. You will have learned that everyone is really pretty flexible at this company. That you have to be proactive about setting your own boundaries, but once you do, everyone is fine with it.

            2. They will be all stressed out about the roller bag and of your breaks ‘throwing off’ the schedule. You will have learned that they are kind of a mess. That they aren’t good about details, and that they are not really interested in accommodating working mothers. You now know you don’t want to work there at all.

            Either way, you are happy and comfortable during your whole day/trip, which is the most important thing.

          2. NewMom*

            Yeah, it’s the size of a large briefcase. Like half a carry on bag–same width and depth but only 10 inches high or so. Basically it will fit pump + soft-sized cooler + notepad/other stuff I would normally bring to an interview.
            Thanks for telling me to disregard it. I get the sense that there may be stairs or something? But then I can just pick it up for stairs.

        4. Friday*

          Unless this is your dream job, your industry doesn’t have many jobs available, and you’re desperate, if I were you I’d push back on all of their unreasonableness and see how they take it. Roller bag, take 30 min/time plus travel to pump as you previously requested (and tell people that you’ll be back at X:00 as you head to each break). Maybe they’ll be cool. It’s certainly a great test of their understanding of work/life balance in action.

    6. Ender Wiggin*

      I agree you should ask about extending the break – but also ask how likely it is that ibterviews would finish on time. In my experience they often run over so you could end up with someone saying “oh well no time for your break let’s push on” or similar. Just be clear that you need a minimum of 25 mins actually sitting on your own in a room and let the planner organise it.

    7. valentine*

      You’re not asking for too much and it’s perfectly reasonable to cite you thought you’d be in one building all day. I hope they’re not going to have you hiking through woods or taking a lot of stairs.

  29. What’s with Today, today?*

    We had a college student come apply this week for part time night and weekend board operator work. The job listing is clear this is a part time nights and weekends gig:

    job experience:
    Jose Garcia’s Restaurant from 7/1/18 – 7/7/18

    Reason for leaving last job:
    the boss was rude and disrespectful

    Available to work nights and weekends:
    No

    3. ElspethGC*

      Looked at that, thought “Six months at a job is pretty bad, but not *horrendous* for a college student… Oh. Oh wait. You’re American. Yeah, six days is bad.”

    5. Teapot librarian*

      Oh goodness. I have an intern that I might need to fire for failure to meet the expectations of the internship (primarily: show up for work). I’ve told him he has ONE MORE CHANCE and then I’m referring him to the coordinator of the internship program. I wouldn’t be surprised if his resume ends up looking exactly like this.

    10. valentine*

      Honest to a fault. I really feel for people like this because I was raised to believe anything else was a lie and a liar was the worst thing I could be. All lies were equally abhorrent, so, no clemency for white lies or lies of omission. I still feel weird not giving details to people who shouldn’t have them and hopefully don’t want them.

  30. rubyrose*

    My division was just sold to another company. Sale was effective October 1, and we are currently looking at our first paystubs from the new company.

    They have made the YTD figures (taxes, some benefit deductions) set to the last amount from the old company plus the amount from the first paycheck from them (new company). I questioned them on that, and have been told we will not be getting a W2 from the old company, just one W2 from the new company.

    I’ve never heard of this before (combined W2 from new company). Has anyone here experienced that in a company sale?

    1. Enough*

      No experience but the old company is now part of the new company and as long as they have integrated everything right it should be fine.

    2. Undine*

      Google tells me it’s less common, but a valid option:

      “Section 5 of 2004-34 of the Internal Revenue Bulletin says you do not have to give W-2s to your employees if they were hired by the successor in the same year that the acquisition happened and if you both agree to that condition.”

    3. Headachey*

      Oh, interesting questiom! I’m in a similar situation and was wondering how W2s would be handled since my current company will no longer exist.

    4. Product person*

      Yup, that’s how it worked when my company was acquired in my previous job. I have no idea whether it’s best practice or correct but given how big the new company was, I assume it’s fine.

  31. Tigger*

    Hey Guys!
    I just wanted to follow up on the question I posted last week regarding the work/ life balance with a career job and a “side hustle” job. I went to the interview on Saturday and was hired on the spot. I made it very clear that I will only work 2-3 nights during the weekday max and 1 day on the weekend. I also arranged that if I will not work on Friday if I am working on Saturday or Monday if I am working on Sunday (per my manager’s suggestion and all of y’alls advice). I also got my trip home for Christmas approved!
    I am really excited since I will be working in the tasting section and working the front so I will get to talk to all kinds of people.
    The best part is that I will be getting a heavy discount on beer, wine, and spirits so I know what all my friends and family will be getting for Christmas if they are of age.

    Thank you sooooo much for the advice!

  32. Catherine from Canada*

    I don’t comment much but I read Ask a Manager almost every day. I’ve learned so much from the letters and the comments!
    I just wanted to share with you all that thanks to Alison’s excellent advice on how to write a resume and cover letter, how to work with recruiters and how to behave in an interview, I got not one, not two, but three job offers!
    This may not sound extraordinary but.
    I married at 18, had my first child at 20, was a stay/work at home mother for nearly 30 years, worked on contract and freelance at home for some of those years, lucked into a technical documentation job 10 years ago, and have only just had to actually put myself out there looking for a job this September.
    If you’ve done the math, yes, I’m 60 and I just had my first ever, then second and third interviews and got job offers from each one! I accepted the best (which was not the highest paying, but the one with work that best matched my strengths and interests, had the best commute and holds the most potential for further work) and start on Monday! (I’m still getting contacted by recruiters too, so I won’t have any trouble finding another job when this contract ends.)
    My husband says that must be some kick-ass resume and cover letter I’ve got, and yes, I think it is, thanks to you all.

  33. Tragic The Gathering*

    I can’t get over my old job.

    I loved my supervisor, and the friends I made there, and the work I did (recruiting for a university – highly socially fulfilling position). The office itself was incredibly toxic and has only gotten worse since I left, but I was usually willing to deal with it because I loved the work and my bubble of people. I had to move due to my husband’s job , so I left on great terms, and took a job in a similar role at a new university. That was about 6 months ago.

    I still text with my old supervisor frequently, mostly social or mentor/mentee, stuff but also discussing things general to our field, like interesting articles, opportunities, etc. He will occasionally share things happening in the office, and ask for my input on issues that when I worked there we would’ve conquered as a team. I’m happy to do this…probably too happy in fact. I like my new job but don’t love it, and don’t feel fully invested in it, and I wish there was a way I could just go back to the way things were at my old place.

    Since this world is small and I move frequently, there’s a possibility I could work with some of the people from my old job again, so I’m not looking to completely cut ties. I guess I’m looking for ways to invest better in the job I have here so I feel less of a pull to the old job. There is currently no possibility of going back to work for the old place, but it is not outside the realm of possibility in the future (they do have some remote positions, and there was talk of creating one for me when I left, but it didn’t happen in time because state universities move SO SLOW).

    1. ACDC*

      This was me a couple of months ago. I was doing nonprofit accounting and I LOVED it, but it was dysfunctional and toxic AF. There were weeks on end that I would get horrible stomach pains on my way to work, have an elevated heart rate/blood pressure the whole day, and it wouldn’t go away until I drove home. When I finally put in my notice, I felt so relieved, and then my last day when they sent me home, I cried so much saying goodbye to most of my coworkers (even a couple of them were in tears). I still wish I could go back, but only with some serious changes. For me, the only way to get over this has been to constantly remind myself of why I left. The second I get nostalgic, I think “Stop it! Don’t you remember X?”

      I guess it might be different for you since you didn’t leave of your own volition, but rather a move. This probably doesn’t help at all, but I related to it and wanted to throw my thoughts in.

      1. Tragic The Gathering*

        It’s still helpful to hear it’s not just me. I think so many times you think about leaving a job and just boom it’s gone forever…I’ve certainly had that experience. It doesn’t help that when I lived there most of my social circle was through/affiliated with work as well so I think it’s feeling the loss of all of that and not wanting to give it up.

    2. Combinatorialist*

      I think you should ease up texting your old supervisor for a little bit. Not necessarily to nothing and not forever, but it is like Captain Awkward suggests with relationships. If the relationship is strong enough to survive this change (you moving jobs), it is strong enough to survive a short break. I think texting so frequently is keeping you from really investing in your new job (just like talking to a recent ex a lot is going to keep you from moving on).

      1. valentine*

        Yes, dial this relationship back so it’s social/mentoring/infrequent, limit the old-job talk, and stop being his consultant. Even paid, it would be keeping you in this space. You can be honest: You want to focus on your new job. What drew you to it? What do you look forward to about it? What can you start improving on in the next week?

    3. HMM*

      I work at an org that has wonderful people but is also mildly-moderately dysfunctional and I tell everyone in their exit interview who agonizes and feels guilty about leaving great people: “you can still keep in touch with the wonderful people without having to deal with the crazy!”

      I think it’s a good impulse for you to want to be more invested in your current job, but I think part of your pain is that you keep wanting your new job to feel the same. If you accept that it won’t be exactly the same feeling as your old job and stop expecting it to be, then I think you’ll feel happier with your current situation. It’s okay that you go to your job everyday and do it without making best friends with everyone. And it’s ok that your friendships are now people outside of your current work circle!

      In fact, I think that once you relax your expectations about what your new work relationships should be like, you’ll be better able to make those relationships because they’ll develop organically, not with any preconceived notions of what work relationships should be like.

  34. Ronaldino*

    I finally got a bit of good news after months of worrying about contract termination. The boss finally decided that they will extend my 6 month contract, although they regret that they won’t extent it any further than that.
    I am happy because I was worried for so long that I was going to be out of the office next month. Now, I get 6 months more time to hunt for a new job. There is something to be said for bosses who lays it our very clearly for you. It makes it easier to plan your life.

  35. CorporalAwkward*

    I am at a weird part of my life now. I need to apply for a new job, because my current one is not working out. Yet at the same time, I am DEATHLY afraid I am not qualified for most jobs! At my age (38 years old), most people expect some sort of project management ability, which I don’t have. Am I doomed to face continuous rejections? Is it possible, even at my age, to stay in non-management roles?

    1. Friday afternoon fever*

      > I am DEATHLY afraid I am not qualified for most jobs!
      At the risk of sounding pithy — you only have to be qualified for the jobs you want to apply for! You may want to look at some of Alison’s posts on impostor syndrome (will link in next comment) to see if anything there resonates with you. I’ll also link to some of her posts about applying for jobs for which you are underqualified.

      I think you should start by figuring out what kind of job you want. (It can have zero project management, if you’re not interested in that!) Then figure out whether you think you’re qualified or not. (It doesn’t have to be a 1:1 match; as a basic example, if they want you to have experience scheduling meetings, but you only have experience scheduling phone calls, that still counts. Sorry if you’re already taking this into account—it’s not clear from your post so I figured I’d mention anyway.)

      It may be really helpful to get a trusted outside perspective on your qualifications — ie are you really not qualified for this job, or are you not looking at your qualifications from the right lens?

      > At my age (38 years old), most people expect some sort of project management ability, which I don’t have.
      What kind of project management ability? There’s a big spectrum from ‘can complete own projects on time within guidelines and budgets etc’ to ‘has coordinated projects among a group of coworkers to ensure they are completed on time within guidelines’ to ‘formally manages projects as part/all of a job’ to ‘has project management certifications.’ Where do you fall on that spectrum? If you’re not even on the radar, yes, you will want to focus on other jobs.

      > Is it possible, even at my age, to stay in non-management roles?
      For sure! Especially if you want to stay in non-management roles. It really depends on what kinds of jobs you’re looking at applying for. Start with: what do you want from a job? What field(s)? What level of responsibility? What tasks? Go from there.

      I know it can be a slog. Best of luck!

      1. Friday afternoon fever*

        Some of Alison’s posts on impostor syndrome (I know there are more in open threads):

        https://www.askamanager.org/2017/10/how-can-i-get-over-impostor-syndrome.html
        https://www.askamanager.org/2015/01/impostor-syndrome-do-you-feel-like-a-fraud.html

        On being underqualified for the job you want/apply for:

        https://www.askamanager.org/2007/12/how-to-get-hired-if-youre-under.html
        https://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/how-can-i-increase-my-chances-when-im-under-qualified-for-a-job.html
        https://www.askamanager.org/2013/01/how-to-apply-for-a-job-youre-not-fully-qualified-for.html

      1. Product person*

        Pfff… I used to feel the same way when I was 38.

        Now at almost 50, I realized that nope, I had the exact experience most people doing what I did must have. I changed roles a lot (all under a similar umbrella but in different industries, with different responsibilities) and I used to be terrified that someone would suddenly figure out that I didn’t know as much about project management / product marketing / name other theme I should be familiar with as they were adjacent to my role as I should considering my age and work experience. Never happened, and with age I started to realize that everybody else, even the people with impressive resumes, were in the same boat.

        As long as you keep learning and don’t stagnate, you’re fine!

    3. Bea*

      I think you’re too far into your own head here.

      You don’t need to worry about your age. Not everyone moves up the ladder, there’s only so much space at the top for starters!

      What you need is a solid skillset at any level where you land. You don’t need to fall into the trap of only leaving if you’re leaving for a promotion.

      Truly most of the time nobody knows you’re 38 unless you say it. I’m 35 and people assume with my history I’m more like 45. Then they realize that I’m clearly younger than they pictured it’s just a “oh okay cool then” moment.

      I’ve had experience hiring throughout my career. Age and assumptions of where you’d be at X age is never a topic even in closed door discussions unless you’re fresh out of school, then it’s just an experience thing or right up against retirement and it’s a retention thing but still if you’re the best fit, it’s all that counted.

    4. Ender Wiggin*

      I’m a 38 year old qualified project manager, and I don’t work in a management role. There are loads of non-management roles.

    5. valentine*

      There’s a comment with a list of free courses, including project management. I thought it was early in this thread.

  36. Jilly*

    My company made a policy change in January that I noted but didn’t really think about until now. We are government contractors, so 95% of us work on contracts that may not be renewed, may be cut short, etc. If a contract ends and they aren’t able to move you to another one, you can have up to 120 hours of universal leave paid out. However, if you resign and give 2 weeks notice you can only have 40 hours of leave paid out (down from 120). So if someone starts taking a lot of vacation, it’s kind of obvious that they are trying to spend down their leave before resigning. I currently have 118.50 hours of leave (I’m a leave hoarder for no good reason). And by the end of the year I’ll be down to about 100 hours with taking almost a week off in total with some here and there for various holiday stuff. And a projection into next year has me building up a pretty healthy balance. I’m not planning to leave, but if something awesome came my way, how could they not notice? On the one hand, you don’t want to spend down too aggressively if you’re worried about a contract being cancelled and needing the leave payout to help tide you over (unemployment would be possible if the contract ends because I am a full-time employee, just billed to a contract but the max unemployment is a pretty small portion of my actual salary and I do have an Income Replacement fund, but still) but then if you do have a great offer come your way, you have to use up 2 weeks pretty quick to try to get yourself down to the 40 hour range. . .

    1. Midlife Tattoos*

      Me, I would say that I won a chance of a lifetime to travel to [remote place nobody would know enough about to tell its a lie…like Yemen] and say that for once in my long career, I’m going to spend the PTO I’ve been hoarding for no good reason. :)

      1. ..Kat..*

        If you are not actually going anywhere, perhaps a home project to work on is a good excuse. After all, someone might see you around town.

        But, I would not say that I am taking the trip of a lifetime to a war zone.

  37. Construction Safety*

    Well, we’ve been sold. More accurately, our umbrella company has been sold. Shouldn’t be much in the way of difference for us rank and filers. Bennies might change, but our division is the most profitable of the group, so I hope they won’t fix what isn’t broken. IT might change (prolly good).

    I’m bummed b/c my dotted line boss at the old umbrella company is new & I thought he was the guy who would force some positive changes downward and now that looks like it won’t happen for the foreseeable future. I hope we don’t kill anyone before I have a chance to get out of here.

  38. LovesCoffee*

    What are the silliest interview questions you are asked?
    Recently an interviewer asked me, “Are you interviewing with any other place? I bet if you get those offers you would head there instead?”
    Like, what even is a good answer for this that would please interviewers without seeming too fake? “No, ABC paper teapot is the only one I would ever want to work for!”

    1. RabbitRabbit*

      I once had literally 4-5 variations of asking what I do in my spare time. Like right in a row, in a pre-printed form (with blanks for my responses for the note-taking interviewer) with about a dozen-ish questions on it. I think it was “what do you do for fun, what do you do to relax, what do you do to de-stress” and a couple more. I ran out of responses! I had no idea why they were that laser-focused on out-of-work activities.

    2. Holly*

      That is such an odd question but I feel like the answer is “Yes, I am applying elsewhere, but ABC Paper Teapot is really my top choice.”

    3. alsolovescoffee*

      One time the interviewer asked me “What do your parents do for a living?”
      That preceded a bunch of other non-job related, sort of personal questions for a developer position. I got an offer but I declined solely on how weird the whole interview was.

    4. Shark Whisperer*

      “If you were a kitchen utensil, what utensil would you be?” I started to say how I love to cook and love cool kitchen gadgets while I was thinking of an answer and the interviewer cut me off and said “I don’t want to know your favorite kitchen utensil, I want to know which one matches your personality.”

      I said immersion blender. I don’t think that was the right answer.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Did they not ask WHY? Because the answer isn’t the thing–it’s the interpretation.
        Like…a spatula because I like to look at both sides of the teapot I’m painting before deciding it’s done.

        Or a rubber scraper …so I can see sure all the elements are combined in a new project and later help smooth out the fancy icing.

        So….why an immersion blender?

    5. ACDC*

      “Can you let me know when you’re planning to get pregnant? It would be really helpful for me to plan that sort of thing in advance.”

      Stupidest job I ever took…

      1. LovesCoffee*

        Dear boss, unfortunately my previous projected timeline to “getting pregnant” would need to face delays, as the key milestones of “find a partner” and “propose” have not yet been achieved…

    6. fposte*

      “Do you think you’re smarter than other people?” It was for, of all things, work in a dental office.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I have to assume the question was because the previous person acted as if they were smarter than everyone else and it was off putting enough to screen for. Still, what are they hoping to hear?

    7. Crylo Ren*

      I was asked what clubs/teams I was involved with and what I did for fun…when I was in high school. This was during an interview for my second post-college job; I had been done with high school for close to 7 years at that point.

      In another interview a few years later, I was asked how serious I was about yoga, because my prospective boss was a Stanford-educated master yoga instructor (note: neither the role nor the company had anything to do with yoga). I politely turned down further interviews at that company and got several increasingly nasty emails from the hiring manager, which I like to pull out of my inbox and laugh at when I’m having a bad day.

    8. redbug34*

      Interviewing for an hourly job to sit at a desk and rent teapots out, I was asked “What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done?”

      What?

    9. ambpersand*

      I went to an interview earlier this year that opened with the question “If you could be any type of tree, what would you be?”

      1. Luisa*

        Oh my gosh, I’ve been asked this one! I almost seriously replied “Pine, because we both smell good.” All the interview questions were like that and I bombed them, but nailed the skills test and got a second interview before being ghosted. Five years later, I can confidently say that I would excuse myself from an interview like this if it happened again.

    10. Meredith Brooks*

      These were from I was just entering the job market as a fresh-faced, dewy eyed 22 year old.

      For an advertising/sales assistant: Give me the first number that pops into your head…what is 9% of 40? (I said 4, because I knew 10% of 40 was 4)

      For a Marketing position at a textbook publisher: If you received $1 million and the world was ending in 3 days, what would you do? (Literally the worst answer ever, because I was dumbstruck… I said I would travel for 2 days and then throw a party with all my loved ones — and honestly, that’s not what I would do)

      I didn’t get either job.

    13. School Psych*

      Describe the difference between a vegetable and a fruit. I think they were looking for how you explained concepts, since it was an education role, but it was just so random. There was no lead up to the question either, it was just kind of plunked in there with other questions that were relevant to the job.

  39. EnfysNest*

    My office is right next to my boss’ office (my office is closer to his than any of my other teammates), and he usually leaves his door open, so I hear a lot of random conversations. None of it is sensitive and I usually just block it out or even partly close my door and turn on music if I don’t think I should be hearing it, but every now and then, I hear him discussing something that I have relevant information about (for instance, he’s commenting on a strange-sounding policy, but I was at the meeting where the policy was originally developed, so I know more about it) and I’m always torn about whether or not to go over and tell him. He wouldn’t always *know* that I have the relevant information, so he wouldn’t necessarily come to ask me about it. But I don’t want to seem like I’m eavesdropping, either. I’d say maybe once or twice a month I decide it will make enough of a difference that it’s worth going in, but I worry if even that might be too much? Should I only go to him about something I overheard if it’s truly an emergency and assume he’ll find out the information that I know some other way the rest of the time? How do you balance knowing when to contribute when you have relevant information and when to maintain the illusion that you can’t hear anything outside of your office door?

    1. Combinatorialist*

      I think this is a “ask your boss how he wants you to handle it”. Just say something like “Several times recently I have heard you discussing a policy or something that I had additional context on like [give a example]. I don’t mean to eavesdrop but I also can’t help hearing sometimes. How would you like me to handle things when I hear something I might have more information on?” This could also be a signal that he should take more precautions if it is something he doesn’t want you to hear

      1. Bea*

        I second this approach.

        I always hear things and my bosses are happy with me speaking up if it’s relevant to my knowledge.

        But that’s my bosses and we’re in sync. Some will be annoyed or unwelcoming of the advice. And then he knows to shut the door sometimes.

    2. Lucille2*

      I’ve always worked in an open concept office, and in that environment it has always been acceptable to politely bring yourself into a work discussion where your expertise would add value. It’s no secret that we all hear each other’s conversations, but most people try to pretend they’re not listening. Of course, this is in an office where you hear a discussion from the next desk over which happens to be 4 feet away.

      I would mention it to your boss. If he’s fine with you overhearing conversations, he might welcome the interruption. If not, he might just close his door from now on.

  40. breathing into paper bag*

    Today is one week after I, a manager brand-new to both the organization and to managing, gave a problem employee a “counseling memo.” Rather than follow my pretty reasonable directions of “do your job and be nice to people,” this employee has decided I am The Enemy for expecting my direct reports to do their jobs and be nice to people. This person is, frankly, unstable, so I feel AWESOME about being in this position after literal years of everyone knowing there were severe problems and nobody doing anything.

    1. RabbitRabbit*

      Yikes. I hope you can get HR in and do a “no really, I freaking told you to be nice to people and this is not that” talk ASAP, with someone to back you up.

      1. breathing into paper bag*

        Thank you. Fortunately HR has my back, and so do my boss and senior leadership. I really don’t know what I would do otherwise.

    2. Kathenus*

      And kudos to you for taking action. I’ve worked places that had employees like this, that literally for decades had been horrible. Then either a new manager to the organization, or to that role, comes in and actually – you know – manages. Great way to takes the right steps – and I’m sure that the good employees will be thrilled to see someone held accountable as well.

    3. Aurélia*

      Does your manager have your back? I would like to think if you document everything neutrally and be calm, cool, and professional you should be able to get rid of them with minimal fuss.
      Thank you for being in the position and actually doing something! I hope that many of your co-workers appreciate it, I sure would.

    4. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

      Good for you. Now the hard part… be relentless on calling out specific behaviors that go against the ‘Do your job and be nice to people’. You have to be consistent and clear.

      And yes, while you are the enemy to the one person who can’t do their job and be nice, you are the hero to the rest of the people who have to work with that person. Who are you more concerned about? Also one thing I’ve always kept in the back of my mind when dealing with performance issues. The best case scenario is the employee figures it out and gets better. The worst case scenario is that the employee self selects into another job that they may be more successful in ( or they self select into another job that they are just as bad in… but it’s not your team) and you get the opportunity to hire a new great employee that wants to work on your team. That

      You got this!

  41. Doug Judy*

    I just need to vent. I was in the final rounds of interviews for a job that been great. Good pay, great company, and had the flexibility I needed as a working mom to have better work/life integration. The person they offered it to was someone that they had been talking to for a while, and I came in on the tail end. They said they were hiring again early next year and were still very interested in me and would reach out then if I was ok with that. I said I was. However I cannot stop looking for a new job, I need to get out of this one asap, it crushes my spirit every day I am here and I have been looking for a new job for a long time. I really wanted to be excited about my next job and not feel like I was settling for something because what I really wanted to do didn’t work out. Now I fear that is what is going to happen. I live in a small city where with a lot of companies that are very traditional in terms of working hours. Ones that are flexible for working moms are very few and far between. I’m just bummed. I feel like I have been trying to find my career home for a very long time now and it seems no closer than it was three years ago.

    1. 99 lead balloons*

      Ouch…I know you were really excited about these guys. No advice, just sympathy and good vibes sent your way.

      1. Doug Judy*

        Thanks. It could still work out but I also can’t count on it. I had a good second interview for a place that would be OK and that if come March if this other one comes back around that I wouldn’t feel too badly about leaving is it is a very large international conglomerate. Hopefully that works out and at least gets me out of where I am now.

    2. Auntie Social*

      It will be next year in eleven weeks! Plus, many companies don’t want to hire at the end of the year anyway. So think of holidays and sing carols to yourself, and hang on. Make a mental list of all the good things you want at your new job.

  42. Jessen*

    Still trying to get through government background check and security clearance stuff for new job. They said they can’t even begin the process unless they have a work verification person (first name, last name, and phone number) for EVERY job for the past 7 years. The problem I have is about 3 years ago I worked for about a month at this little chicken joint. It went out of business a few months later. I don’t have any contact info other than that for the business that doesn’t exist anymore. It was an independent store so there’s no corporate option to get information from.

    I’m stuck. I’m worried that I’m going to lose out on this job because apparently no one planned for employers going out of business. I have offered alternate documentation but they said the only option that it’s possible to process is a full name and contact number for someone who works or has worked at the business and can verify that I work there. My HR contact says that can’t be right but it’s just sitting in limbo right now and they won’t even start the process until I provide someone for that job.

    1. Tara S.*

      Can you find anyone who worked there on Facebook? If there’s no corporate or official way to find a contact, I think a fellow employee will work here.

      1. Jessen*

        I honestly don’t even remember their names. I worked there for like 10 hours a week for a month. I don’t think I ever knew the last names of anyone who worked there in the first place – it really wasn’t relevant to anything anyway.

    2. Four lights*

      Even as an independent business, they still have to register as something, so you could check the County Clerk to see if there’s info. You could find out who owns the property and rented it to them, they might have info. If you have a name but need to hunt the person down, process servers usually offer that service. If your town has a Facebook, or Nextdoor page, you could post and ask if anybody worked there any has information.

    3. Seifer*

      It’s fine. Just do what the last part says, and put down someone who can verify that you worked there. Not a parent or a family member, but a friend, classmate, or yes, former coworker or boss. I had to do that with a few jobs and addresses because I did not always get along with former coworkers or bosses, so I listed people that I did not work with but knew I had the job. That should be enough to push it through.

      I don’t know how much this will help you, but your HR contact has the right idea. But the other people are probably pushing just because it’s a lengthy process to submit, and they want to give the forms the best chance possible to be accepted right away. I got my clearance almost immediately, but a guy that started a few years before I did still does not have his. Not sure what he did wrong, but I did what I outlined above, and I had a really good security investigator. The investigator part is up to chance, but be honest and be calm when they interview you. Good luck!

      1. Jessen*

        I ended up talking to my HR contact, who said to put down someone who can verify that the place is out of business and there are no employee records (there’s a newer franchise in town, so I put their manager down who can verify “there are no records from the old franchise”). My impression is I’m dealing with a case of “the form says we need X, so we can’t send it on unless it has X on it.” I had a problem with another retail job too where they do verifications through a central hotline, but the form had to have a specific first and last name no matter what.

        A lot of these jobs I just don’t think I’m very memorable. We’re talking high-turnover, part-time retail or food service jobs. Yet another 20-something who didn’t stay long isn’t going to be in anyone’s memory very long. I’ve offered to provide my W-2 for the job and my roommate from the time, but they were saying they couldn’t start the process without a name and it had to be a work person.

        1. Seifer*

          Oooh, yeah, that’s no good. I get why they’re doing it, tbh, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck when you are working a job where you’re literally just trying to get the job done and not get involved in drama. Which of course makes you less memorable. Which of course you’re not thinking about in this context since what 20-year-old working long hours at a restaurant to pay bills is thinking that one day she’s going to have a job where she needs to put her entire life on a 200-page form to get a security clearance because what the hell even is a security clearance.

          Ugh, I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for you. I can just commiserate on how awful it is and I’m sorry they’re being sticklers about it. My situation was different in that I was hired before I applied for the clearance so I was able to ask the security people their opinions on things like this.

          1. Jessen*

            Yah, the only person I really remember is the guy I got fired after a very interesting encounter involving him asking me if I liked a rude term for transgender women (complete with hand gestures) after I told him I wouldn’t go out with him because I was gay.

            I think I’ll ultimately be fine, but I’m dealing with a lot of “we have to have this box filled out right before we can send it on” stuff. Helpfully I got this job in part because I have a family member working there, so I’ve at least had a lot more direction on who I need to call and what to bother them about.

            1. MsChanandlerBong*

              You could go to the Secretary of State’s website for your state and type in the business name to see if you can see a current or expired business license. Then you could use the info to track down the former owner. They could at least verify you worked there.

              1. Jessen*

                I may try that! I should clarify, it’s not my state anymore – it’s actually several states away, which is making this even more complicated.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Another thought. Call the corporate office for the chain and ask for the franchisee’s name. Write him or her directly and let them know someone may be calling to verify employment and ask if they’d like to see your W2 first so they could verify it’s from their business.
      Another possibility is the area’s Chamber of Commerce to find a managermention nsme. And if they advertised in the local school yearbook or paper or sponsored a sports team, the advertising agent might have a contact name you can try to track down.
      Yes it’s aggravating, but look at it this way–imagine the follow-through & persistence you’ll demonstrate for the next interview!

      Good luck!

      1. Jessen*

        I’ve been trying this, but there doesn’t even seem to be a findable corporate office number. I emailed them and am not getting anything back other than “that location doesn’t exist.” I searched the chamber of commerce website too and couldn’t find anything at all.

        I’m just really frustrated. I honestly won’t have access to anything more sensitive than a lot of non-government jobs; the most sensitive thing might be some health information from studies. This is a basic public trust clearance that they seem to just want everyone to get.

  43. Rogue*

    Y’all, I have an in-person interview this afternoon at a company I really want to work for. Send me all the good vibes…please?

  44. Sandy*

    So I have a coworker that I am at full-blown BEC mode with. I would say it is largely mutual.

    Unfortunately, we are stuck working together for the foreseeable future.

    While I doubt she is suddenly going to morph into a well-adjusted, competent professional any time soon, I want to make sure that I am doing everything I can to come out of throw with my sanity andnprofessional reputation relatively intact.

    So far I have been trying to:

    -not take the bait with every petty email;
    -resist the urge to snark right back whether by email or in person;
    -loop in my supervisor when necessary (but not on every email);
    -minimize time spent directly one on one if possible;
    -polite, if vapid, conversation if it’s not; and
    -blow off steam about it outside the office with non-colleagues.

    Is there anything else you can suggest for both protecting myself and protecting my sanity?

    1. DaniCalifornia*

      I think you’re doing great with what you’ve listed. Don’t know if mantras help, but you can definitely say to yourself out loud before work and think it during the day ‘This person is X and for now I can’t change that. I can only control my response to her.’

      I have to to that at work daily.

    2. Canadian Natasha*

      Yikes, that sounds frustrating. Aside from not snarking back immediately, would it help with the tone of your responses to first imagine, “If this was [reasonable competent coworker*] how would I say/write this?”.

      *Or reasonable competent coworker who is having an off/bad day

      (Obviously with unreasonable people it’s better to be a bit more circumspect in how you approach topics, especially if they are the type who likes to collect your “mistakes” or hold grudges for perceived slights.)

    3. NicoleK*

      My suggestions: EAP if it’s available and try to assume the coworker is coming from a place of good intentions (this may be very difficult given your history with coworker)

    4. R*

      I have been in a similar situation and you have to be aware that she might decide to make a complaint about you. I’m not saying she’d do it for no reason, but you are at risk of her doing it sometime in the future.
      Unfortunately, the person who complains first often has the upper hand. What you should do (imo) is make sure your manager is very aware that you are having this problem with her, and that you are acting in good faith to try to avoid problems with her. That way, if she does make a complaint, it will be heard in context.

      1. all the candycorn*

        Yes, this!

        I worked with someone who was an immature bully, she had a little “in” clique and generally behaved like a seventh grader. She’d complain about people who she was bullying…and then the victim would be the one in trouble.

        Eventually she stopped doing 85% of her job and left us spending four months trying to figure out if she still worked there, and we should ask her to do needed work, or if she had quit, and should we replace her. But by then, she’d damaged a lot of people’s reputations and it was tough getting approval on replacements- because she’d filed complaints against a sizeable number of the competent staff.

    5. MicrobioChic*

      What I did to keep things relatively smooth with a former coworker who had a history of getting into screaming fights with people (and no nothing was ever done, can you tell the place was a wee bit toxic?) was to find one or two safe topics of conversation.

      I have pets, she had pets! I asked her about her pets.

      My two rules for coming off as profession while not dealing with the other person at all are to have a safe inane topic and always be the one asking them about their life. Then they can talk, and I can smile and nod.

      Also, I would never snark back. I would ignore, redirect, and pretend you don’t get any passive aggressive comments. It might be frustrating but once she doesn’t have the other side of the argument anymore, she may lay off.

    6. Bagworm*

      When I was in that situation, I would make myself come up with something positive about my co-worker whenever I was really losing it. Not always easy and definitely cheesy but helped me some.

    7. valentine*

      Your strategy’s great. The last line’s the most important, but it’s best if you can leave work at work, in case what you vent could get back to her and to get you out of that space/preserve your sanctuary. Can you learn to find it amusing instead of aggravating?

  45. Friday afternoon fever*

    Does anyone have experience (firsthand or from a friend—no speculation or generalizations please) with working for a company that has received prominent media coverage for its poor/discriminatory/unreasonable treatment of employees, especially women and POC? In your experience, after this comes out, what changed about the company? Did its treatment of employees improve at all? How long did that take?

    Context: a friend was advised to apply to a company like the above by someone who thinks now (post-exposé) the company is probably fine & working to correct all their errors. We are both skeptical that there has been a major culture change especially in just a few months. I’m not looking for advice on whether they should apply, just some anecdata about your experiences in similar situations

    2. Not All*

      Not a ‘company’ per se, but a federal agency.

      My experience is that the individual managers who were already good are even more aware of it and are great. The individual managers who were really heinous still are, but are sneakier about it. The over-all culture hasn’t changed one bit except the top leadership plays a ton of lip service (while personally doing all the things they are supposedly cracking down on) and the old, white, ex-military (sorry, but yes, the worst offenders are almost universally vets in every office I’ve been in) guys bitch incessantly about having to be PC while still staring down women’s shirts, making inappropriate ‘jokes’, and looking at websites that SHOULD get them kicked of the government network.

      ugh.

    3. ACDC*

      I found out about 2 weeks into my old job that the previous ED was currently in jail for sexual assualt/battery/rape of multiple employees. Our organization was all women, with the only man being the ED (after former ED went to jail, new ED was also a man). Not saying the new ED was like that at all, but it felt weird not knowing about something that huge before coming on to the team. It felt a little uncomfortable to be honest.

      1. ACDC*

        To put more context to this, it was all over the news. However, I moved to the area for this job, so I didn’t see any of the news coverage about it until after starting/moving there.

    4. WellRed*

      We had a local company make headlines for it’s toxic workplace in general and sexual harrassment of young women. I didn’t work there, but no less than 3 former (excellent) coworkers of mine confirmed that the place was actually worse than was reported. They removed the owner/CEO (he was the biggest problem), but left his girlfriend in charge, saying all the right things abut culture changes. However, the sense is, the damage is done and even if they change the culture (insert skepticism), the community at large no longer wants to deal with them (buy advertising from them. It’s a media company).

    5. Lora*

      Yup. I worked many years for a company that many people regard as Pure Evil. There was even a movie about its misdeeds. It was mostly marketing who was actual Satan with the hoofs and everything, but those of us in R&D still had to sit through the court-ordered ethics training.

      No, they did not change a blessed thing. There was literally no government fine big enough or any executive with the fear of White Collar Country Club Prison to make anything change. Everyone had to sit through a new ethics training thing about once a year, which was maybe two hours out of our afternoons. The only time changes were ever made was if a site got a Consent Decree (i.e. the regulators shut the place down and the government seizes as much of the profits as they can find). Then they’d fire everyone at the site and sell off all the equipment and real estate.

      Once, the competition down the street was caught being especially nasty to women, had a class action suit which they lost miserably, and had to pay every single woman who worked at a 100,000+ employee company, about 30% raises and many many millions in back pay. The offending management is still in charge and nothing really changed from a cultural perspective.

    6. BluntBunny*

      I guess it depends if the person advising them works for the company. I would look how many years it’s been and if senior leadership has changed and recent Glassdoor reviews. Also would weigh whether having this job on your resume will taint how other people perceive your friend.

    7. Going anon for this*

      I met someone at a party who worked for a company that recently made international news a year or two ago for its poor treatment of workers (not identity-based, just terrible working hours and toxic culture). He said it’s done a total 180 and they are really pushing work-life balance and bosses are telling people to leave on time. I’m not sure if these changes will stick though, and recent news articles suggest other things are going down.

      Also, not first-hand but Riot Games has recently been written about for their sexist culture; I read a few articles I believe by Kotaku, one outlining the issues, one responding to the CEO’s response and actions, and one checking in a few months later. You can google these for yourself but they mostly line up with your skeptical opinion, largely because changing sexist/racist work culture (as opposed to just poor behavior or overwork) means either fixing people’s beliefs or replacing staff, and no one’s figured out how to make people unracist with a PowerPoint.

  46. Tara S.*

    What would you do?: My boss wants to send me to this fiscal leadership development program run by a big national org. It’s a training he went through, he would pay for it out of the department’s development budget, and it’s not cheap. The catch? It’s a four year program (as in a week-long course once a year, but it builds on each year and you go through with a cohort). And my boss wants my assurance that I will complete all four years before he sends me. He’s pretty reasonable about my likelihood of staying at this current job for four years, but is asking me to finish the program even if I leave, as in, pay for it myself or make it part of my negotiations if I find another job.

    I’m not 100% sure the training is the way I want to go in my career. But I’m sure it would be useful in it’s way. It’s the four year commitment part that’s making me feel weird. I wouldn’t have to pay it back if I went and didn’t finish, but I want to give my boss a true answer, and I don’t know if I can because I don’t really know that I’m committed to doing all four years. How would you guys navigate this??

    1. GrapefruitHero*

      He’s asking you to do the impossible and predict the future. And, frankly, once you are no longer an employee he has no control over how you spend your money or what training your next employer decides is worthwhile. I’d say something like, “While I do plan on staying with the company for the foreseeable future, I can’t predict what will happen in the next four years, and therefore I cannot commit to finishing the program if I leave.”

    2. Bea*

      I would tell him “right now I’m prepared to commit for This Company. However in the event I leave prior to completion, I’m not comfortable promising I’ll complete the certification. There are too many variables to give you that much commitment up front.”

    3. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

      I’m going to have a hard time verbalizing/writing this so that it makes sense.

      See this request for commitment in the spirit of mentor-ship. Obviously your boss is willing to pay while you are employed there. There is no way to enforce the commitment if you leave the job. Neither of you know what next week will look like never mind 4 years from now. He knows that you can give a good faith commitment now and then life might happen and change things.

      I’d say if you can’t make a good faith commitment now, then talk to him and find out if there may be a different option. If you can make a good faith then go with it and give yourself permission to drop out of the program if it doesn’t make sense in the future.

      Good managers will nudge their employees knowing full well that employees aren’t obligated to anything. Generally when a manager does this they have a pretty good idea of what the employee is capable of and where they would be successful.

      If it helps… here’s a quick example. I had an employee that wanted to go in one direction (mainly he wanted to follow my career path). There was a very low likelihood of success on this particular path due to limited opportunities, growth options, and the leadership in our office (besides me) weren’t very keen on him for some reason that I can’t explain.

      The employee was pretty convinced in what he wanted to do. I nudged him to a different path, which included a relocation. Obviously I understood the magnitude. I would not have blamed, been disappointed, or felt slighted in any way if he said, No thanks. He did move and start in the new group and has progressed very well professionally. Ironically he found himself managing the former manager who wouldn’t give him a chance in his original position.

    4. valentine*

      Say no to the weird promise. Only go if you do want this for your career or think you might regret not going. If you can, postpone. Is it only once a year? How are you meant to retain what you learn?

  47. TheTallestOneEver*

    Any success stories from people who’ve taken a pay cut to change career paths?

    I’m mid career and have spent years working my way up the ladder in my field. I’m grateful for all of the opportunities I’ve had, but I’m starting to realize that I want to be on a different ladder. I’ve met with recruiters and seen some internal postings with my current employer and it looks like I’d have to take a 10% pay cut to course correct, even with transferable skills. From a financial perspective, I’m okay with the cut but still a little anxious. Any happy stories would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Probably Nerdy*

      I took a large pay cut to go to graduate school. 10% sounds very doable. You can make that up with just a couple years of COLA increases, if you get those.

      Tighten the belt a bit – cut back on takeout food, new clothes, subscription services, salon treatments, hobbies, etc. It works out.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I didn’t even think about grad school but I did that twice- went from good salary to grad student life, back to work for a few years, then grad school again. The second time was to course correct back to the type of work I really wanted to do. I’m lucky in that it pays well enough to compensate for those lean grad student years. I did also seriously consider a major job change that would have paid far less in exchange for new interesting work, but as that didn’t pan out, I don’t have that experience.

    2. Elaine*

      I took a 30% pay cut when I was nearly 40. Twenty years later, I have never really recovered from the salary hit and especially the vacation hours. But I make as much as I need or want, even though many people would think I lead a rather austere life, and I am much happier than I would have been. I’ve never regretted it.

    3. Meg*

      I haven’t gone through it, but I would recommend trying out living on 10% less now. So take 10% of each paycheck and put it into a separate account, and see how that feels. You might find that it’s totally fine, or you may have cut back only a little, or it may feel terrible. But you’ll get a sense of what it will feel like, and as a bonus have some savings at the end.

    4. Ender Wiggin*

      Not a massive career change but I took a pay cut of about 10% to move from engineering in the energy industry to engineering in the pharmaceutical industry. 2 years later and I’m back earning more than I was in my old industry and with a lot less stress and travel.

    5. Just changed careers*

      Just don’t sell yourself short! I just changed careers (moving from the business to the technical side), and was willing to take a significant cut, but turns out was not necessary. My previous salary, with 20 years of experience in my field, was 140K;, I just received an offer for $135K in a role I haver held*. For the past year I’ve been studying the terminology / concepts related to what I wanted to do now, and it paid off. My previous experience was considered by the new employer (a starting salary would be around $95K – 100K), so the drop was much less than I expected.

      * I didn’t discuss salary prior to receiving the offer, but I knew the range for this new role and company size and what I was offered is above the mean value.

      1. TheTallestOneEver*

        I’m trying to do something similar – moving from a technical program management role to one that’s not IT focused. You’re right, I may not have to worry about a cut if I look externally. For the internal position I’m applying for, because we’re government, all of the salary ranges are published and our regulations state that the max they can offer me is the highest salary in the range. That’s the 10% cut.

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      So I was laid off from a “good job” with stock options at really, really big company (run by an ego maniac). I took a pay cut to go to a wonderful group, within a large healthcare non-profit. It took me two years to make up the base pay cut. HOWEVER, I was able to leave work on time to go to the gym. They actually encouraged us to make our wellness appointments and we got paid while we went to the doctor. We get paid for volunteer work (and it’s part of our goals, as is a personal wellness goal.). I have lost weight, gained confidence, and sleep at night. I have friends – at work and outside work.

      The success story part is, I’m super happy. I found my niche. I love contributing to the improvement of people’s health, I’m seen as a great resource here, and the culture is night and day different in terms of encouragement, growth, and valuing people. And now (15 years later) my base is twice what it was when I left, because I’ve flourished.

      Pay (or even titles/job descriptions) are not a good measure of the value a company has for you. Just saying.

    7. Bluesboy*

      Not too different, I changed 3 years ago from middle management to effectively junior level in a different sector. Took a 20% pay cut to do so.

      Went well! As it turns out, managerial and organisational ability was very much absent in my new office, and that was a transferable skill that I had. So I was able to make a great impression from the start. 14 months later I had made up the 20% not including my bonus (which was quite generous).

      Now, three years later my base salary is 160% of my old salary and lowest my bonus has been was double my old bonus. More importantly, I like what I do and get on with my colleagues. I will probably move on in a couple of years when I have more industry specific experience (my office doesn’t have a lot of growth potential) but am very happy to have made the move!

      Good luck to you!

    8. mreasy*

      I did it! After a year I have been raised to close to my previous salary already. For me, it was undoubtedly the right choice.

  48. From the High Tower on the Hill*

    Hello everyone, some of you may remember the post about how to react when people asked me about my boss who died by suicide from a while back. Anyways, today is the anniversary of his death and it is usually a pretty dark day for me. I am trying to keep my mind off of things and could use some help. If anyone could share a funny, embarrassing, whatever story, that would be really fantastic.

    1. Murphy*

      The other day at work, I used the restroom and caught my reflection in the mirror. I have short hair and I wear dangly earrings most days. It was at this point, where I’d just had a lengthy chat with a colleague, I notice I was wearing earrings that didn’t match. At all. Not the same color, or the same length. Not the most embarrassing thing in the world, but I definitely felt foolish! And then I felt weirdly naked after that because I’m so used to wearing earrings.

      I’m sorry today is a tough day for you. I hope you get to do something fun and distracting!

      1. From the High Tower on the Hill*

        Thanks! It is always hard because I still work in the same building so it usually brings back some less than pleasant memories, waiting for the anniversary to finally fall on a weekend. That is pretty funny! Definitely did something similar last week. Wore one navy blue shoe and one black shoe (they are the exact same pair minus the color).

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I get dressed in the dark to avoid waking up my husband. I looked down as I got to work to see one dark gray and one purple. My daughter had borrowed my Merrell’s again, and put my good new ones right in with the yard work pair.

          Thankfully I keep a pair of closed-toe shoes at the desk for emergency runs out to the manufacturing floor!

      2. WellRed*

        Related, not me, my aunt was walking around in a big department store and wondered why everyone was looking at her funny. When she got to her car, she realized her headband had slipped down onto her forehead like she was wearing some sort of princess ring around her head.

        1. Murphy*

          Oh no! Haha. Actually, another day recently I was wearing a shirt with a tie (not a shirt and tie, but a shirt with a bow on it that you tie) and I was at the office before I noticed that one of the ties had gone through the armpit hole and come out the middle before I tied it. People at daycare must have thought I was nuts.

          Oddly this morning, I got dressed in the dark and everything seems to be in order.

      3. Artemesia*

        With earrings you could pretend it was a fashion statement — it was harder for me to pretend that the mismatched shoes or the navy jacket with the black pants (hey dressing in a darkish room — they looked the same in that light) were deliberate.

    2. Reba*

      A twitter user started a huge thread of extremely dumb funny stuff that has happened to people. Not all of them are that funny, but some are gold. The OP has retweeted many of the best ones so start with her timeline https://twitter.com/GraceSpelman

      sending you good thoughts, High Tower.

      2. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

        There was another Twitter thread a while ago about funny/awkward/embarrassing moments. The one that stuck with me is the person who bought Preparation H to use for undereye puffiness, and when the person at CVS asked if she needed a bag she said “no thanks, I’m going to use it in the car.” Still cracks me up, literal years later.

        http://thebloggess.com/2015/11/02/and-then-that-one-time-on-twitter-we-all-just-became-human-and-i-laughed-until-i-gave-myself-a-headache/

    3. Doug Judy*

      I few weeks ago I wore two completely different shoes to work. One was a navy with a wood block heel, the other was a black stiletto. I was running late and trying to get my four year old to put his coat on as we were rushing out the door that I wasn’t paying attention. I had hurt my back a few days prior so my gait had been a bit off so I didn’t notice I was walking funny. I dropped him off at daycare, and didn’t notice. It wasn’t until I got in the elevator and looked down is when I realized it. I spent a lot of time in my office that day.

    4. Amber Rose*

      Silly story: I held a fire drill for our company last week, and in my report on how it went I was obliged to comment that next time we do a fire drill, should it happen to be similar weather, I would appreciate people not trying to pick a snowball fight with me. I took four snowballs while trying to do a headcount. =P

      Embarrassing story: I once spent a solid half a day feeling very strange, like something was off. Eventually someone pointed out that my shirt was inside out. I went into the bathroom to fix it, and realized that I’d somehow also managed to put my bra on backwards without realizing. Which was why I’d felt so odd all day. Awkward!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Amber Rose, you just gave me my laugh for the day. I have put my shirt on backwards/inside out before, but can’t say I have ever put my bra on backwards before. Thanks for the laugh.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Okay, now I’ll share two of mine. We were having a skating Birthday party for one of our children and I was trying on two different shoes trying to decide which looked best with my outfit. My husband started yelling at me that it was time to go, so I rushed out the door, got to the skating rink and looked down realizing that I have on a blue loafer and a white wedge sandal. Luckily, I was still young enough to skate in those days so I quickly rented a pair and stayed on skates the whole day.
          I shared this other one last week, but in case anyone missed it; last Sunday I got to church and was greeting everyone as I entered. Got through the door and was headed for my Sunday School classroom, when I heard “MA’M!! MA’M!!!” I turned around, and a lady I didn’t know came running up to me and whispered, “Your skirt is tucked in your underwear!!” while she whirled me around and made the adjustment. She was very apologetic about telling me, but I thanked her profusely. I would have been mortified if no one had told me. Another reason to not not wear dresses to church!!

          1. Artemesia*

            This happened to me once at the opera — tucked my dress skirt into my panty hose somehow and some kind person caught me before I left the ladies room and saved me the embarrassment. It seems odd that you could do that and not notice but I didn’t.

      2. WellRed*

        I put underwear on sideways one time and went all day (leg opening around my waist, I was much skinnier then). However, a backward bra takes the cake.

    5. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

      I posted this in the open thread when it happened because it was mortifying, but it’s pretty funny in retrospect, so here goes. I was conducting a video interview and was having technical issues, so I had a colleague from IT come in and help me set up. When Skype was working and my colleague left the room, I tried to tell the candidate “I had to call in the big guns” and “I had to ask for help” at the same time and it came out “I had to call in the help.”

      In a similar but kinder vein, my coworker at the time was checking people in to an event and alternating between telling attendees “you’re all set” and “have a wonderful evening” and ended up enthusiastically telling an attendee “you’re wonderful!”

      1. Nita*

        Ahhh slip-ups! I was talking to my boss about some stuff she’s been trying to clear out of the office. And somehow I said “I’ll ask my Daddy if he needs it!” I do not call him Daddy, am not five years old or even fresh out of college, and have no idea how that came out. If there’s one thing I could take back and make not-happen, this would be it!

    6. Auntie Social*

      Okay, so my mom died in an accident, and friends would come by as my daughter and I were cleaning out her house, and frankly the condolence calls took more and more out of us. And one day we see a car full of her old sorority sisters, and we think—oh, Lord! So they’re telling us stories about my mom who told us kids she never took a drink in college, and the stories are VASTLY different. Like when my mom was trying to sneak by into the Pi Phi house, and instead landed in the shrubs under the windows. And her roommate chimes in, “and that’s how she got that terrible rash on her butt, and how she found out she was allergic to evergreens!” So it was the best, best condolence call ever, they told one funny story after another, and it was just what we needed.
      And my FIL passed away recently, and my MIL who had more class than anyone I’ve ever seen, had arranged for the grandkids to pick up older people who didn’t drive any more to make sure the old folks made the funeral. And the ones who were still unable to make it, she took programs and went and visited every single one of them and brought a floral arrangement. Every. Single. One. I’m in awe.

    7. Drop Bear*

      I worked for an organisation with the word ‘Public’ in its title. As you would expect we were obsessive proofreaders! Our marketing dept once developed a series of online ‘pages’ about our tendering processes- went through their proofreading, all good – came to my section and we checked them, all good – we sent them to the CEO who changed every Public to Pubic (long liquid lunch no doubt) then sent them to IT to put on the website – IT trainee loaded them. I then spent the rest of the day taking phone calls from prospective vendors who were, it would seem, all rolling on the floor laughing hysterically during their calls. One was from a company whose name rhymed with merkin – that was the one that broke me!

    8. No Tribble At All*

      Sorry for your loss, Tower.

      Funny story for you: I’ve just started in a new group at my company (been here 3 years). We have an open office, and even the people with offices that can close doors have glass walls. I showed new supervisor my first project, which he said was good, so I was feeling all cool and competent. But then on the way out of his office I walked smack into the glass wall instead of the open door, like a bird flying into a window. Siiiiigh.

    9. epi*

      I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. I have an important, sad, anniversary in October that made the start of fall extra difficult every year for several years. It just makes it that much more difficult when it actually is getting colder and darker outside, too. Be kind to yourself!

      The link in my name is to a classic McSweeney’s essay about Decorative Gourd Season. If you don’t mind profanity, it is hilarious– I reread it every year. :)

      1. Amber Rose*

        On that note, I very much enjoy the Hater’s Guide to the Williams Sonoma Catalog. It’s just a bunch of snark at the absolutely ridiculous and overpriced things that they put in their holiday catalogs each year. Like a decorative Christmas chicken coop for $800.

      2. Ali G*

        To this day, the first time I see decorative gourds in stores each year I snap a pic and send it my sis with the caption “It’s Decorative Gourd Season M-F’ers!!”
        We still find it hilarious.

      3. From the High Tower on the Hill*

        Sorry to hear about your difficult October as well, it has definitely gotten very gloomy outside as well here, just constant cold and rain unfortunately. If you are having a difficult time, I like to read the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley, it usually inspires me to keep going and fighting. Don’t know if you will find that helpful at all, but it always helps me.

    10. SarahKay*

      My first day at work in my current company, I was being shown round by my new manager. Suddenly I hit what felt like a dip in the floor. Nope, just the heel fallen off my boot and sitting on the floor one stride back.
      A minor embarrassment as these things go, but on my first day….I would cheerfully have sunk through said floor if it was possible.
      I hope today is bearable for you.

      1. From the High Tower on the Hill*

        Thanks, it is luckily going better than the first anniversary, that was a rough one (didn’t help that on the anniversary the pen that he gave me broke and I went into a jewelry store crying for it to get fixed). Thank you so much to you and everyone for sharing funny stories. It has definitely put a smile on my face in what would otherwise be a pretty miserable day.

    11. OtterB*

      Here’s an oldie but goodie from my mom. (A “dark restaurant” story in the twitter thread Reba linked to made me think of it.) We’d gone out as a family to a nice Italian restaurant. Mom was wearing a nice red linen dress, and we joked about how she matched the cloth napkins. Then she realized when we got ready to leave that her napkin had fallen off her lap part way through the meal, and she’d been wiping her fingers on her dress…

    12. LilySparrow*

      I’m home today, and I just walked through the living room to find my middle-schooler sprawled out watching cartoons with a bag of almonds tucked under her chin, and her feet stuck in a cardboard box from a delivery we just got.

      She said she was a squirrel up front, kitty in the back.

    13. Slartibartfast*

      Worst wardrobe malfunction I ever had as a vet tech, very happy 10 month old bloodhound, about 120lbs. I went to weigh him in the lobby, he tried to jump up and give me a hug. Owner pulled the leash back as I turned to the side to discourage the jumping. The pup somehow got his dewclaws hooked into my pockets ans suddenly my pants were at my ankles. In the lobby.

  49. Improvised*

    How do you talk yourself about feeling guilty about taking holidays? For some reason I can never relax fully during vacations and always feel as if me not being in the office is letting the team down.

    1. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

      Remind yourself that you deserve a break, and that people do their best work when they’re happy and well-rested, anyway. It’s true, too, not just sophistry for a workaholic brain.

    2. Kathenus*

      Do you feel that other people at work are doing something wrong when they take holidays? (Hopefully not) The vast majority of people consider someone taking time off normal and good – it makes you a better employee to get some down time generally. Look at how you view others taking time off, and realize that just like you (hopefully) aren’t judging or thinking poorly of them, that they are not thinking badly of you.

    3. BluntBunny*

      Maybe think about the stories and photos you will share with your colleagues on your return. If you are close your colleagues will be eager to here from your travels. Also in our office it’s unwritten law to bring in edible treats to share.

  50. DaniCalifornia*

    It is October 12th. The tax extension deadline is Monday and we have clients who are calling and saying “Oh I’ll drop off my documents to you on Monday.” The urge to scream and hang up the phone is strong today. How clueless and inconsiderate can people be. We needed this information weeks ago!

    And my boss refused to tell these crazy people ‘No’ or to tell them there will be a late fee added onto their bill. It would be different it was the same 2 clients who did this. But the number that grows every year is insane. And they all say the same old crap:

    “Oh I know I’m so horrible to be getting it to you so late.” YEP BOB YOU ARE A TERRIBLE CLIENT AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN BRING US COOKIES TO APOLOGIZE. [Side note if you are still getting your CPA information this time of year it better be accompanied by cookies/donuts/pizza/$100 bills lol]
    “I’ve had this ready and just haven’t had time to scan it.” OH THAT’S OKAY WE DON’T MIND STAYING UNTIL MIDNIGHT EVERY NIGHT FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU. AND YOU SAY MY GENERATION IS LAZY.
    “Oh last night I cried because I am so disorganized and this is so late.” OH LINDA I CRIED TOO KNOWING WE HAVE CLIENTS LIKE YOU.

    1. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I feel your pain. I’m retired now, but they seem to be getting worse and worse. I was the Boss. I would just tell them: it won’t be ready. If you have refunds you’ll be Ok, if you owe they will charge penalties and interest on top of what you owe. Oh, and btw, my fee will be double the usual.

      1. DaniCalifornia*

        Yeah I really wish I could tell them no it won’t be ready and if they complain reply with “Sucks to suck!” Sigh.

        One of the reasons I am actively job hunting.

    2. Can't Sit Still*

      Back when I worked in tax, we had a client that didn’t start working on his return until he got letters from the IRS, so he was perpetually a year late. We worked on his returns as much as possible, but he refused to hire an assistant or a bookkeeper or use QuickBooks or have any kind of recordkeeping whatsoever. He sent us boxes of stuff instead. Grocery receipts, personal notes, junk mail, occasional tax-related information…

      This was also the client that lost one of his houses. And by lost, I mean that he had so many houses, he forgot where it was located. I don’t miss tax clients at all.

      2. DaniCalifornia*

        Boxes of things are the worst.

        2 weeks ago a client brought in their bag full of receipts. Inside was a fast food bag full of more crumpled receipts. And a cigarette box with crumpled receipts. And a USED DRUG NEEDLE that I handled. Yeah. I was pissed. He is the son of one of our clients and I have refused to work on his stuff since.

    3. It’s me*

      I’m laughing out loud. I don’t work in public any more, but I FEEL this to my core. Good luck!

  51. Eeyore*

    I have a job that is fine, with a good boss and coworkers I like, except for one coworker. He’s senior to me and can give me assignments, but he’s not my boss. I find him rude and argumentative with literally everyone, no matter their level. It’s obvious the people he likes and doesn’t like, just in the tone of his voice and how he interacts with them. If he wasn’t there, I’d be happier overall, even though there would still be some assignments I don’t prefer. Recently, a position in a different department became available. It would be a lateral move, but would get me away from my rude coworker, and it would be doing a lot of the same work, just applied differently.

    Should I consider moving, even though one person is the source of my issues? Should I talk to my boss first, even though this coworker is a pivotal part of my team?

      1. Eeyore*

        Definitely at BEC level, but also slightly terrified of every time he talks, lest he come after me. Which he has. It’s frustrating because if you don’t like my work or if you want changes, you can tell me and not be so mean about it.

    2. Fluffer Nutter*

      We have a toxic new hire like this guy. Everyone dreads interacting with him. He’s entitled, insecure and always tries to make you look bad in front of management by asking “gotcha” questions he thinks you can’t answer. He exhausts me. I have lots of experience dealing with all sorts of people but he’s not gonna change. It is making me really think of leaving. So, I think that’s reasonable to change jobs Eeyore, FWIW. Only you know your boss but our Problem Child has already gotten cozy with management which seems to be common.

      1. Eeyore*

        It’s the worst when the new person is has so much power via management. Is he in a position of power, because I’d ignore him as much as possible. And if he’s asking a bunch of questions in a meeting with your management, I’d tell him to either put it in an email or that you’ll take it offline, so as not to disrupt the flow of the meeting.

        My boss is nice, but rude coworker knows a lot and is valuable in that way. Rude coworker has even been rude to my boss, in front of others. We had one person leave because of this coworker before too.

    4. Combinatorialist*

      Do you know the people in the other department? Moving seems like a good idea if it isn’t “out of the frying pan into the fire”

      1. Eeyore*

        I do know folks in the other department, though not the manager. I could certainly ask questions.

  52. Mazzy*

    This is a vent about power dynamics being off and random job titles.

    So it’s a first world problem, but I’ve been having trouble navigating my company given how off the power dynamics are with some people. My company is of the opinion that job titles don’t matter, so half of the titles make sense, maybe a quarter are a little off, and in some cases are very inflated because a title was given as a reward. I think this is very wrong, due to my experience now working with people in these positions.

    First off, I disagree that titles don’t matter. In my last company, Director meant you managed a manager that managed staff. That’s it. It didn’t mean “we like you a lot” or “we’re trying to get you to stay,” it meant you manage people who manage people.

    The power dynamics. I’ve been trying to delegate complicated issues that are above my current job title to these “Directors” and they just aren’t taking it, mostly because I’m trying to give them work that might seem above them. So I end up doing the complicated work even though I’m lower level, on paper. But if you’re in my office, I don’t seem like the lower level one. I have more experience and just natural power to get things don’t that they do not. Over the past few months, I feel the table has turned in this way and now there have been many situations where I’m by far the most knowledgeable or able one, even though I’m “lower level,” and then when I asked my boss about it, he said job titles don’t really matter. If that’s true, why did you make that other one a Director?

    I think a Director should have wide experience in a field and should be someone I go to when I have a complicated question or need general guidance, but I feel like, if anything I fill that role for them more than the other way around. I feel like I have no one to go to when I have an issue or need help, and I feel like I can’t get promoted because the upper slots are taken by people who were pushed there too soon.

    I’m also a bit confused by these coworkers since they obviously thought enough of themselves to go to my manager and ask for a title change, but they don’t seem as keen to actually act at the level they say they want to be at. It would have been better if they started acting at that higher level, but they haven’t. So I went through a phase where I felt they were a bit delusional or selfish because they just wanted the perks without doing the work, and it impacted my ability to work with them. Once I got over that, I still am put off by their refusal to take on freaking director level work now that they are in that role.

    I’m wondering what else I can do except job hunt. I feel like you work hard to accrue accomplishments in order to get a promotion, but if there is never going to be a promotion and then younger folks with less accomplishments get put in those roles based on “potential,” I have nothing to look forward to.

    1. Overeducated*

      Why don’t you also ask for a title change? If you are functionally doing the higher level work, and they think titles don’t matter, then there shouldn’t be a limited number of slots that you can’t get into.

      That does sound frustrating though.

      1. Mazzy*

        It seems like we have too many Directors and VPs already. This came up with my boss and we both came to the conclusion that there is already too much title deflation. That’s why I called this a vent and not a question LOL. I was wondering if anyone else has had weird power dynamics like this. I’m used to people “higher up” having more power but it feels backwards now.

        1. Bluesboy*

          This is something I can relate to. I work in a relatively small company surrounded by big companies. So if you want to bring someone in from outside you have to offer either more money or a step up.

          This means that we take a junior with appropriate experience from a big company, make them a senior and bring them in. The problem is that it means we never bring in proven seniors, and sometimes the new people are just solid operationally without any real organisational or managerial capability.

          But it’s very difficult to fire people here. So instead we bring in more seniors to manage the other seniors. Result? Two thirds of us have senior titles, but probably only 10% are real seniors. And often the juniors who have learnt within the company actually have more experience than the seniors.

          Different reasons from you, but the result is the same. And it makes internal promotion very tough because there would be nobody left to do the grunt work!

          Not a problem for me, but I will leave within the next two years to make sure I have a chance to grow. A colleague who is a genuine star performer is already looking around and will leave soon because they brought in a new senior who does half his work but has a better title.

  53. Fluffer Nutter*

    Two things in the “is this normal” category. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
    1. How much can you ask a new hire to engage with your org. before their start date and without payment? I work at a small non profit (fewer than 20 employees). I, and people who have started since me, have been invited to come to programmatic events before our start date. This can be a time commitment of between 3-8 hours, unpaid. Of course I did it because it didn’t seem optional. We are exempt, if that matters. I also don’t like the trend of having people do their hiring paperwork onlinie before starting, also unpaid.
    2. Same non profit- 2 times in the last 6-8 months we’ve been in an extreme cash crunch becuase of the timing when grants come in. I was told not to spend any money without prior approval, even though my budget is several thousand and I’ve only spent half. In a couple months, huge money comes in but in Oct and Nov I think they are barely making payroll, as less than 1/2 of normal operating costs are coming in. Is this normal? Should I be concerned? Not a fly by night non profit- very respected and has been around many years.

    1. Jilly*

      I’m not particularly against having people do the paperwork from home because in a lot of ways it can be easier (often you need the SSNs for spouses and children for example and I remember my mom used to have those on an index card on a bulletin board in the laundry room). But attending programmatic events before a start date is not cool. Especially if they are during normal working hours because people could be serving out their notice period.

      1. Fluffer Nutter*

        They’re typically evening events, but could require someone to scoot out from job early to make it at 5:30.

    2. Not a Real Giraffe*

      Doing paperwork before the start date makes sense to me so that your payroll, benefits, whatnot are ready to go on Day 1. I think asking you to come to programmatic events only makes sense if it’s say, a major component of your new role and they want you to get a sense for how it runs so that you’re prepared for it the next go-round. Otherwise, I think it’s a lot to ask of new hires before they start.

    3. Friday afternoon fever*

      1. Paperwork online – no problems with that if it’s not extensive. It would be nice to give them the option of completing it in the office in person, though. I got my paperwork in advance with a one-week deadline and the option to do it with HR in person as well. But I do paperwork quickly, and I was over-the-moon to have the job.

      1A. Event – if this is an explicitly optional opportunity, that’s fine. If it’s a requirement, they should be paid.

      2. No experience AT nonprofits, but – the grant timing sounds annoying but standard for some orgs that don’t have the ability to front a lot of cash. Is it impacting your ability to do work and deliver services? If so, you should talk to the appropriate manager from a problem-solving, service-delivery/work-continuity lens. If it is non-grant-related and more like a steady downward trend in revenue … is there a trusted coworker you can pull aside to ask whether this is normal and whether you should be concerned? Also, are there other aspects of the org’s “health” you can take into account (new leadership, newly high turnover, etc)?

      1. Chaordic One*

        Paperwork online? Please don’t scan and email written forms with personal identifying information such as social security numbers, drivers’ license numbers, passport numbers, birth dates, or bank account numbers. Email is easily hacked and this is how lots of people get their identities stolen.

        If your employer has a secure website and you can upload the forms into it, then you’re probably safe submitting the forms that way, but even then there’s a bit of a risk.

        On the other hand, it is great to email out blank forms for employees to fill out at home and then bring back to turn in when they show up at the job.

        1. Friday afternoon fever*

          That’s a really good point, thank you! (They did have a secure website to upload forms into.)

    4. Hillary*

      The money thing sounds like an unfortunately typical cash flow problem – it’s normal for organizations to have incoming funds that don’t align with outgoing expenses. Most of the companies I work with have travel restrictions every year for Q4. If they’re doing it to ensure they make payroll it’s a sign of sensible management.

      1. Fluffer Nutter*

        Thanks- yes we are still making payroll and delivering the program. Although- we are promised bonuses 2x/yr- March and Sept. We’re wondering if the fall bonus will be put off until Dec as I think they’re using that money to cover payroll this month. The only odd thing is, I have 1 trusted work spouse who has been there longer that me and he says this didn’t used to happen (that he knew of). I just wish they would tell us, as I scheduled an expensive medical treatment this month that will now be hanging out on my credit card for who know how long. There’s also an uptick in turnover, but I think that’s due to lack of upward mobility [understandable in a small org] and a toxic new hire who is making everyone miserable.

    5. Two Dog Night*

      In my experience, fluctuation of income is typical for non-profits, but they should be putting enough in reserve when they’re flush to cover the months when nothing is coming in. The NFP I was on the board of usually had really low income in July and August, but we’d put money aside earlier in the year so we could keep operating normally. If your org doesn’t have much in reserve, I’d be worried about its long-term health.

  54. Seifer*

    My roommate has a full time job but he’s taking a week off in November. But the kicker is, he’s going to work his paid part time job while getting paid vacation from his full time job. This seems… not right to me. But I can’t put my finger on why.

      1. Seifer*

        YES, that’s what I was thinking of! I was like, I could’ve sworn Alison JUST talked about this but I couldn’t remember which letter it was. Thanks for finding it!

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I’d argue that was different because the OP there had unlimited vacation time. With Seifer’s roommate, if he gets X amount of vacation time, it should be okay for him to use it however he wants.

    2. Maya Elena*

      Eh I disagree. The employer does not have any claim on an employee outside of the hours and duties he was contracted to do. They’re not entitled to be the dog in the manger “if you’re on vacation from us, you can’t generate any other value that we can’t reap!”. Any employer demanding that would rightly be branded as predatory and exploitative.

      However, there are many reasons why it might feel wrong viscerally. I’d expect roommate is in some way privileged and makes a lot of money in his main job – and the part-time job is cushy, not “hustle-like” or “thankless” (tutoring, baby-sitting, tending bar, etc.). So it seems gauche for him to 1) be raking in what looks like more than his fair share of money when he doesn’t need it, 2) taking away a cushy job from someone less privileged, and 3) spitting in the face of people who NEED a second job. But I think all of those views stem from a flawed view of both the wealth and job pools as static, and as such are off-base.

    3. Drop Bear*

      I don’t see the problem for the ‘main’ employer being double dipping (and if he already works at the part time job is it even double dipping?) but more the potential negation of one of the purposes of annual leave – to protect employees from becoming so ‘fatigued’ that there is an increased risk of workplace accidents/work errors etc. How much of a problem this could be varies from industry to industry of course.

      1. Crylo Ren*

        This. I think generally PTO can be used for whatever the employee needs it for and it’s not up to the employer to dictate that. That being said, if your roommate specifically told his employer that he needs the time off to recharge and then he’s using the time to run himself ragged on his part-time job, that’s going to be a problem if he comes back to his full-time job and doesn’t appear to be rested.

        If it was a similar situation to the letter that Not a Real Giraffe linked to, where there was unlimited PTO – I’d feel a little more uneasy about that because it’s abusing the system and would be closer to double-dipping.

    4. CS Rep By Day, Writer By Night*

      This is both common and accepted in my office. We have several employees who drive for Lyft/Uber and will take vacation days during the busy summer festival season to drive during the day, and they’re very open with our management about it. Vacation days are part of our compensation package, and if people want to use them to work another job I figure that’s their prerogative.

      1. TootsNYC*

        yeah, this isn’t dating, or marriage.

        You aren’t “cheating on” your employer by working at a very different job during your time off (whether it’s evenings, weekends, or vacation).

        (moonlighting for one of your employer’s clients is different)

        1. Ender Wiggin*

          This. I have no idea why this would seem “off” – other than your buddies main job should be paying them a proper wage so they shouldn’t need to work a part-time job.

    5. DaniCalifornia*

      It does seem off but also I can think of times when it would be okay. If you were a designer at a company (and allowed to also freelance) and you took a week off from main design job, no one would care if you ended up working a freelance job or two and getting paid for that.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Before I started my current job, I was working retail. I started my full-time job in December and offered to keep working my retail job on weekends. My full-time closed during the week of Christmas–paid–and I did a few shifts and helped out with inventory at the retail job during that week. My full-time boss knew about it and didn’t bat an eye. It didn’t feel weird or like I was stealing or anything like that. If anything, it kind of sucked because I couldn’t take the full week to relax!

  55. PumpkinConjunction*

    I’ve been feeling weird about fronting money for company events. Several times I have been asked if I would front money for company purchases such as items for events or team outings.
    It appears that the general protocol has been staff using their credit cards to pay for things then being reimbursed and the perk is they get points. When we go out to eat, a staff member will pay 400 bucks or if we have catering at the office. Everyone seems okay with the idea of taking turns doing so but I don’t. My credit cards don’t even have a large enough balance and paying with my debit and waiting weeks to be reimbursed would put me in a bind. When we order catering and it’s my turn (we take turns) I go and ask for our company card which is somewhat embarrassing since no one else seems to. I’m just concerned that one day we will go out for lunch and I’ll b randomly chosen to pay and be put on the spot in front of my entire team. Awkward.

    1. Natalie*

      Practice a white lie now. Something like “Sorry, I don’t bring my credit card every day. Somebody else can take the rewards points.”

      It may feel very conspicuous to you because you’re a little sensitive about it, but overall, people are fairly self centered and probably notice less than you’re thinking they do.

      1. Em from CT*

        Or something like “I prefer not to mix company finances with my personal finances, I’m sure you understand!” And if someone pushes back, you can give them a totally puzzled look, like, why don’t they get it? “As I said, I prefer not to do it. But if someone else wants to throw down their card, I’m happy to chip in my portion!”

      2. valentine*

        I like Natalie’s suggestion. Keep not paying for business expenses and, if you can, change the culture so everyone uses the company card. Wouldn’t all the points going on there be good for the team?

    2. Mazzy*

      Can you say you have bad credit and or credit card debt so don’t want to put more money on cards? It can be awkward I guess for some people, but no one is going to argue with someone having financial problems. Unless you earn alot and they will question the veracity of that statement. Or maybe say you have a high interest rate so the interest adds up quick when you buy stuff on your own card?

    3. Smarty Boots*

      If there’s a company card that you can use, just use it. Don’t apologize and try not to feel bad about it,because there’s nothing wrong with doing that. If others get weird about it that’s their problem, not yours.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Please don’t feel embarrassed – you are doing the smart thing.

      If you are randomly chosen to pay, just say that you are not able to do this.

    5. nonegiven*

      I’m too close to my limit to put this on my card and even if I could, I can’t afford the extra interest.

      1. Easily Amused*

        You could say that your credit card is only for emergencies and doesn’t have a high limit. If someone argues that, I think they would be out of line. You’re allowed full control over your personal finances and you’re being smart so no need to feel bad.

  56. Less Bread More Taxes*

    I’m getting ready to start applying to PhD programs. I’ve got a list of the interesting ones, two references (waiting on another), and a coverletter that was edited by another PhD student I know. I’m pretty nervous about it. When I was in high school, I applied to about 12 universities. I only could afford one, and only barely. I got a small scholarship for grad school. But I’m worried again that I’m just not good enough to get in somewhere and get some funding. Any words of comfort? Anyone else been through this? I’m in data science…

    1. So long and thanks for all the fish*

      PhD student here. If you’re in STEM, your department really should cover all your funding for at least a few years (5 is typical, in my field at least)- the advice I was given when applying was “if they don’t guarantee your funding, you don’t want to go there”. Your experience (undergrad research if you’re still in college) and references will count the most when you apply. If any professors’ research really appeals to you, email them directly and tell them so (one per university). Just remember if you’re a regular reader- like when interviewing for a job, if/when you get in, make sure you want to be there as much as they want you there. Good luck- it’s stressful, but should be fine!

      1. Reba*

        I second the advice here. Do contact faculty members soon, before or shortly after you apply, to get to know them a bit and assess their interest in working with you. The relationship with your advisor can be hugely important to your experience and success. I actually got some advice to weigh the potential advisor most heavily in decisions. I would now temper that advice to say finding a balance between prioritizing a supportive, shared-interests advisor and going to the most prestigious place you can get funded at. I do not believe that brand names are everything, and often the reputations for particular departments and programs might surprise you. But I sort of get the feeling that my degree from Big Ole State University means a lot to people in my particular area, in which it has a large footprint, but is not that impressive to people outside that. ANYWAY your mileage may totally vary in your field!

        I also received advice not to pay my own way. The stipend might be small — and do some math to see if it is really livable — but it had better be there. Good luck.

        Sorry if this is a double post, flaky wifi here!

        1. The New Wanderer*

          I had the same experience. I’m not in STEM but was also advised not to bother with a PHD unless it was funded (tuition waiver + research or teaching assistantship stipend). The implication to me was, if you don’t find a program that wants to fund you, you’d be better off going straight into the field and getting paid + work experience and not racking up debt. May be field specific as there is a lot of debate over whether a masters + work experience is more valuable than a PHD, since anyone can do well with either. For data science, you might find entry level jobs to shore up your funds before going to grad school, to help your finances. I did this myself, deferred grad school and worked for a year – got valuable experience and savings.

          My advisor was key in both my success in the program and following, and my program at Big State U at the time happened to be very well regarded within the field – outside of it you might never know that. True of most of the previous and current top programs, they tend to be at state schools.

    2. curly sue*

      If you’re in Canada, then definitely look into applying for the tri-council scholarships. (Data science falls under NSERC, I think.) I had three years of my PhD funded through SSHRC, and would not have been able to go to grad school without that in place.

      That being said! You asked more about confidence than funding sources, so definitely think positive. An existing relationship with a potential supervisor can make a difference, so definitely reach out with an email or two and see if you can make contact with the people you’d like to work with. In my experience the supervisor relationship is just as important — maybe more so — than which school you go to, so finding someone you’re compatible with can be a huge boost.

    3. Greenbean*

      PhDs in that field should be fully funded–you’ll find out when you get offers how much you’re expected to teach and that sort of thing, but they should be paying you, not the other way around (I’m in a Biophysics PhD program doing data science research at the moment). They also should pay for you to come visit after you’re admitted (both flights and a place to stay). Some places booked that for me, others I had to front it (but I expect if I told them I couldn’t front it they would have booked for me)
      Also I don’t know what your financial situation is now, but many of the schools I was looking at were willing to waive application fees by request (sometimes for underrepresented minorities, or if you met some financial cutoff–I don’t remember how they all decided).
      Good luck! It’s an exciting field!

  57. WhendoI???*

    Any advice on how to handle medical appointments for kids for a new job?

    I’m interviewing for a position at a new company, and this summer my youngest son was diagnosed with autism and we have therapy appointments on Wednesday & Friday afternoons. At what point in the process should I bring this up? The new job is across town from my house/current job/therapist office. Once things settle down the best way to handle them would be to WFH in the afternoon and be online except for the couple hours around the appointments themselves, but I know at first that might not be feasible. It’s a professional position and the company gets good Glassdoor reviews for WFH flexibility (and the recruiter on the phone screen mentioned that).

    The Friday appointments my husband can probably handle solo for a couple months, as my son is in with the therapist solo for half or more of those appointments, but the Wednesday ones are family therapy so I kind of have to be there for those (though I can miss once in awhile, if needed). I’m not sure if I should mention this as part of the interview process or not until after an offer is made.

    1. Murphy*

      I probably wouldn’t get into specifics about what time you’d need off/what arrangements you’d need until the offer stage. At the interview stage you could ask questions about flexibility in general so you can get a sense of whether or not they’d be willing to work with you. Good luck!

    2. Overeducated*

      I’d wait until after the offer is made. Getting that flexibility early on may need to be one of your negotiation points.

    3. Ali G*

      Wait until you have an offer and are talking start dates/hours.
      I had to take a morning off in my first week to take my husband in for a medical procedure so I had to ask how that would be accommodated since I wouldn’t have accrued any leave. My boss said just to make up the hours during the week. So I came in and stayed late a few days that week to make it up.
      Have a plan – know how many hours per week you will be out and offer what you want on how to handle them (whether it be borrowing against your leave, taking it unpaid or making the hours up in the pay period/week).

  58. Zillish*

    This is kind of a drive-by question about a situation that I want to throw out… I *think* I’m handling it/my instincts are ok on this, but my boss is causing me to second-guess myself and I’m just curious to get outside input.

    One of my employees made a mistake last night — seems to be just an accident where she mistook one number for another. It did end up having an impact on a customer and we had to apologize for the mixup and (we’re hospitality-based) my boss comped them a bottle of champagne to make up for it.

    She’s new — only been here for a little less than a month in a very detail heavy job, and she’s handled most of it very well so far. My instinct is to take her aside, reiterate that the job is detail heavy but that the details are crucial and that she needs to pay more attention and things like this can’t happen again. But… as long as this isn’t a case of repeated/frequent mistakes and seems to be just that she was handling a heavy, time-sensitive workload and made an inadvertent number error, I’m not inclined to be too punitive beyond a quick conversation and watching if it ends up becoming a pattern of carelessness. I’ve been here for nine years (formerly in her position) and I’ve certainly made very similar mistakes myself occasionally — it just happens when you deal with a large volume of information and the pressure of being client-facing 100% of the time on top of that.

    My boss, on the other hand, seems to want me to treat this very seriously — he asked me to not just talk to her but to formally write her up, to make clear that errors like this can result in termination if they happen again, and that I need to “get to the bottom of exactly how this happened” and “stress that she needs to hold herself to a higher standard”. Frankly I think this is more likely to result in scaring a good employee who hasn’t been here long enough to not consider jumping ship at an escalation like this, about a mistake that the customer was happy to pass off as a mistake by a new person and very happy to take a free bottle of champagne in apology for.

    But maybe I’m just too nice? I know there’s not a lot of background detail to go on and that will color anyone’s opinion on the situation, but a formal write-up seems… harsh, to me.

    1. The Ginger Ginger*

      I agree with you. Unless this is a pattern, there’s no reason to be so harsh. What’s your relationship with your boss like/what’s you boss like typically? Can you say something to him along the lines of – “When I was in her role, I made occasional mistakes like X & Y and was never written up. I understand (and understood at the time) the importance of attention to detail and accuracy, but we’re humans and this is a high volume of content with a rapid turn around rate. Some mistakes will happen, and we’re limiting that risk by X, Y, Z. Employee is still brand new in the role, and in all other regards is performing extremely well. Unless this becomes a pattern of inattention with them, a formal write up is likely to feel demoralizing and overly punitive. And because this isn’t the type of situation we’ve written up before, it’s going to seem like we’re singling them out specifically. I’ve reviewed the process with employee, and they’re aware of the seriousness of this. During the review, we instituted plan A for preventing future errors, so this shouldn’t re-occur.”

      If you can give assurance that you’ve both spoken to the employee, and reviewed the process that led to the error for opportunities to avoid future similar mistakes (and outline solutions if you find anything), a reasonable person should be okay with that. You can show you take it seriously and that the employee has been reminded of the seriousness of the issue, and that nothing is being ignored or swept under the rug.

      Also – if the employee is at all conscientious (which sounds like they are), they are already really concerned about this. Bringing down the hammer on the first offense for a new (and still learning) employee is overkill.

    2. Trouble*

      If I was less than one month in a job and got a formal write up for one mistake, I’d likely be so demotivated I’d struggle more. You’re right that if my CV could handle it I might even start to look to move on.

      How you handle this needs to be tailored to how she handled it. Was she suitably mortified at her mistake and the cost to the company/inconvenience to the customer? If so, I think your way is enough, stress that in this job attention to detail is critical and mistakes like this cannot happen and just monitor her performance. After all, you say you started there and made a few similar mistakes but they found you successful enough to promote within the company so it seems overkill to write her up at this stage.

    3. Myrin*

      I don’t have much to say other than that I’m 100% on your side here.
      (Also, I bet there’s absolutely zero “bottom of exactly how this happened” here – she’s really new to the job, it requires what sounds like an extraordinary amount of attention to detail, and she’s still learning the ropes; I’d say that’s all there is to it.)

    4. Kathenus*

      I’m in a detail-heavy, non-hospitality field and have this struggle when mistakes are made as to how strongly to respond. I’m more in your camp, especially with something that is a first time error and not part of a pattern, but I’ve had to lobby to be able to not escalate at times. It’s definitely a culture thing, and I pick my battles. Sometimes I go with my manager’s preference without question and save my request to handle it differently for times I feel the most strongly about it.

      One suggestion that works well for me, though. In addition to reiterating that people need to be more careful, conscious, etc. part of my process with these is to ask the person to think about why the error occurred (distracted, lack of training, etc.) and then what are they going to do to help assure that it won’t happen again – they put all of this into an email as part of the documentation of the situation. This puts some responsibility on them of trying to help determine contributing factors, and the expectation that they should do something concrete to avoid a repeat. My industry has safety issues involved, so it’s important to try to use these situations to improve practices not just to discipline someone. But if I see patterns of behavior things might get addressed differently in the future.

      I think your instincts are right on this, but you’ll need to decide if you have and want to use the political capital with your boss. Good luck.

    5. Crylo Ren*

      Whoa, I think your boss is overreacting! You’re not being “too nice” at all, you’re being reasonable and fair. It wasn’t a life-or-death mistake and honestly it sounds like the customer wasn’t too unhappy about it. I’d advocate for more leniency, or at least get a feel for why your boss is reacting so harshly to what seems like a pretty minor mistake, all things considered. A write-up will do more harm than good at this point.

    6. Binky*

      You said that you made mistakes similar to the one she made. How did your manager deal with those mistakes at the time? If you were given an easier out, I think it’s totally reasonable to tell your manager that, and recommend whatever discipline/new training that you received as a newer employee.

    7. samiratou*

      Unless she was super unconcerned about the change and you don’t get the sense she understands the impact of details like this, then I think your boss is way overreacting. I mean, let he who has never fat-fingered a number cast the first stone and all of that. “Get to the bottom” of a typo is needlessly belaboring a point.

      If she regularly made mistakes or it was part of a greater pattern or it was more than a simple error then that would be different, but if she is aware and apologetic and generally conscientious, your boss is way overreacting.

    8. Close Bracket*

      Feedback needs to be immediate and detailed. Is there a middle ground? Emphasize the detail heavy nature, talk about how it happened and whether there is an improvement either to her work style of the overall process to minimize chances of it happening again, stress the higher standard in an ecouraging rather than punitive way, but skip the write up.

    9. LilySparrow*

      How do you even begin to “get to the bottom of” accidentally misreading a number?

      There’s just not much bottom to get to.

  59. Anon4This*

    Fellow managers out there…do you ever shirk your responsibilities as a manager in order to do essentially what’s best for your company, even if its not in the best interest of your employees/direct reports?
    Its annual review writing time at my organization. I have a direct report who skirts the line between meets expectations and does not meet expectations…she meets expectations sometimes, if she wants to. And even then, often has an attitude about work she doesn’t want to do. Nothing that would be a fire-able offense on its own, but big-picture/pattern wise, it keeps her off the track for promotions, and anything more than the smallest cost of living salary raises.
    I’ve had discussions with her about what I’m looking for from her and how she’s not meeting expectations. This just results in her doing even less work and having emotional melt-downs. I address the melt-downs and insubordination and that causes even more of it. I’ve learned that in order to get any work out of her at all, I can’t address these issues with her directly.
    I’m not in the position to let her go, as I would never get the headcount replaced (which is why she still has a job despite acting out occasionally. If I could replace her I would have long ago). I need her work to get done, and cannot do everything myself.
    I feel like by not continuing to address the instances of her unacceptable behavior and deliverables I’m shirking an essential part of my management duties.
    But, if I do those well, the work will not get done..she’ll huff off, give me the silent treatment and not do any work.
    I am tempted to write this situation off as one that I will no longer continue to address, I’ve said what I need to say as her manager. She has chosen to reject it. But that doesn’t mean my assessment has changed.

    What would you do in this situation? Option 1 – Try to get as much work out of her as possible but not directly addressing her issues and thus avoid her tantrums. Option 2 – Address the issues with the understanding that this means the work may not get done (and maybe have to take it on yourself). Or Option 3 – Really push for her removal from the role and be done with this problem, but you’d now be responsible for doing all her work on top of your own, as the company will never replace her headcount in this role.

    1. Teapot librarian*

      I’m in a similar situation with one of my employees (see my comment below). I don’t have good advice (see my comment below) but I would encourage you to consider the emotional cost of keeping her on. Would it ultimately be easier for you to have to do more work if it meant not having to deal with her anymore? And how are other members of the team being affected by this employee and your actions towards her? Would their morale be affected (positively) by your pushing for her removal? Good luck!!

      1. Anon4This*

        Yes I agree, I read your comment below and it seems similar to this situation. My employee is also not a newbie, she’s been working for over 30 years and has risen just one step above entry-level. If it were up to me, I’d say she isn’t even ready for that level of responsibility.
        I’d rather have her doing some work, than doing that myself on top of my own work. I think its worth the emotional drain to me personally. I wish there were a better solution (like term her and get someone good).
        I just feel like I’m not performing some of the essential parts of my management duties by not continually addressing her performance problems (in favor of getting her to do anything at all).

      2. Kathenus*

        Agree 100%. The cost of keeping on a bad employee isn’t as quantifiable, but it’s just as or even more important than the loss of production, in my opinion. There may be short term pain from less staffing but the medium to long term benefit to the team and the organization is usually worth it to get rid of a toxic employee.

        An HR person gave me a great phrase once when I was managing someone like this – that my job was to ‘manage her up or manage her out’. So my goal wasn’t getting rid of her, it was to set clear expectations and hold her to them. So either she improved, or she’d be subject to progressive discipline that would lead to her being out. She chose to leave during this process, which was fine with me.

    2. OperaArt*

      Does her poor performance impact any of your other reports? If so, do you risk losing any of those reports if they start looking for new jobs because of her?

      1. Anon4This*

        No luckily her role is so siloed that she only affects me; and to some extent the executive in charge of our department when I don’t have the opportunity to fix her work for them before she turns it in. We’re both frustrated, but my boss wouldn’t support my removing her since they don’t want to lose the headcount either.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Not allowing you to replace her because “headcount won’t be replaced “ is ridiculous. Perhaps you should stop expending so much time fixing her work and allow the executive in charge of your department to be affected. You are being put into an impossible situation.

          Have you looked for a new job for yourself lately?

      2. BRR*

        This is what I was thinking because I have a colleague like the direct report. I’m so irritated at having someone not pulling their weight and not being held accountable. I have to constantly check their work and this week was literally given one of their tasks because they didn’t do it right (I’m three steps higher in seniority and shouldn’t have to do this). If it’s only affecting you, then keep her.

    3. valentine*

      Option 3 and get creative about redistributing tasks so you’re not doing both jobs. Isn’t there a minimum headcount they can sustain? When you leave, suddenly, all things will be possible, so give yourself the gift of unloading this dead weight, then deprioritize her work or settle on a reasonable amount of total work and leave your boss/the exec to sort the rest.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Attrition of headcount is probably the single worst thing st my company today. The workload won’t get less if there are fewer engineers to design the teapots and fewer marketing people to sell them.
      But each project will be done in more of a rush.

  60. Not the model minority*

    Hi, are there any people of color/minorities on here? I would really like your advice and experiences. I’m relocating for a new job, mostly to be closer to my SO, but also for a new direction for my career. I landed a job that is in a very rural and red area, and the team seemed nice. I grew up in Alabama, so I’m not a stranger to the setting.

    However, the difference between this state and Alabama is that it’s much less diverse than Alabama. My workplace in Alabama was really diverse. It turns out, I am the ONLY person of color in the department. I knew this would be the case for my small team, but not the whole department. I felt nervous and unsure bringing up to my boss questions about diversity and promoting diversity on the team, because one of my friends did that at her workplace and she was essentially penalized for it.

    My question is, how do I best handle and cope with being the only person of color in the office? I often get targeted with comments like “You should lead this diversity meeting! Because you’re diverse!” Or “What are you? You look so exotic.” And of course a hundred times of people trying to touch my hair, tell me my lunch “smells so strange and exotic” (it was just leftover yellow curry. I’m not South Asian either.) It stresses me out but because I’m literally in the minority here AND new, I don’t want to step on toes. I’m also afraid someone will respond with “What are you talking about? We hired *you*, of course we want diversity.”

    In the meantime, I’m in therapy and finding other people of color in the city an hour away to chat with. But I would love to hear any stories from POC who had the same experience or had any advice. Thanks!

    1. Junior Dev*

      No advice but solidarity. I’m a (white) woman who’s been the only woman on my team and it was very alienating, and I can only imagine how stressful this feels. I hope you take care of yourself and remember if this gets overwhelming, you are legitimate to be upset by that treatment.

      1. Not the model minority*

        Oh man, that’s it’s owm stress too! I haven’t worked in an all male office but oh goodness I can only imagine. Thank you for the solidarity, sending you some too!

    2. DaniCalifornia*

      I’m the only minority out of all the employees. Granted there’s only 10 but even our seasonal hires are never POC. I even deal with (admittedly the sweetest older guy) who has made jokes about “oh we can’t interview this person I can’t pronounce their name” when it’s obvious the candidate is probably not white. I live in a red state, and there are half of the employees who are somewhat “hick” Nice people, never would I call them racist, but there are some ignorant spots. If I can speak for a group I will but sometimes it goes over the person’s head. I’ve had one instance where I’ve had to say “I don’t think that people group appreciates being called that.” and while awkward I was glad I did. The person didn’t bite back just didn’t know. I try to chalk up most things to truly didn’t know since I’m close with these coworkers and know their intentions.

      In past workplaces that were more diverse I did get a lot of comments directed towards me about my hair, my food, my facial features, and questions about my parents being two different races (I’m mixed so I get a lot of “but you talk so white” from one group and “but you don’t talk black” from another group.) I’ve learned to reply with “Why do you ask?” if the question seems random, or insulting, or nosy. 10/10 times it helps decipher if the person asking is clueless or racist. Surprisingly some of the most racist things I’ve had said to me were not from white people which broadened my experience.

      Best of luck to you! I would be as gracious as possible but don’t be afraid to politely point out if someone is being ignorant or blatantly racist. I try to start with education first and would say things “I’m sure you’re just curious but know a better way to ask that would be XYZ. When you ask ABC it can come across as offensive because …”

    3. Miss Wels*

      You wouldn’t happen to be moving to rural Oregon would you? But anyway, yes, I am white passing but have an ethnic name that gives away that I’m “different” and have dealt with a lot of really stupid questions from people over the years. My advice would be to be assertive, but when you are, to be calm and not too emotional, it’s really unfortunate and unfair that we get tone policed in a way that white people don’t, but we do. Also, one positive thing that I’ve found about being a minority in a super white area is that some people do tend to be very interested in where I’m from and learning more about my culture and it definitely makes for a good icebreaker and conversation topic.

    4. Anon for this one*

      I’m white but a minority in the country I work in. It was a real wakeup call for me. It was the first time I felt pressure to fit in so they see me as “normal,” not one of “those,” or “play my card” so I can explain why my perspective/experience is different from theirs. It made thinkpieces and stories from my POC/queer friends click in a way that they didn’t before I moved abroad.

      Anyway all this just to say that while obviously my experience is different than yours due to white privilege, the legacy of colonialism, etc., perhaps you can suss out white people who might be more understanding because they lived abroad, speak other languages, or travel a lot? As you know that doesn’t guarantee sensitivity but personally it’s nice to switch up the microaggressions once in a while (“tell me about your food” to “let me tell you about your food”). And please take extra care of yourself–being the first and only minority sucks. I wish you luck and I’m sorry you have to be the guinea pig.

  61. Junior Dev*

    Next week I’m meeting with an HR person about accommodations for my disability (PTSD). One thing is having clear written instructions and actionable feedback, another is having a relatively noise and distraction free work space. I’m thinking of trying to get my desk moved from its current location (next to a loud hallway and kitchen) to a quieter corner, but I’m concerned being the only one on my team to do this will further strain communication with my boss, who has taken my need to wear headphones while working as a sign I don’t want to talk to her. (I have a note from my therapist saying the headphones are necessary and shouldn’t be taken as a sign of anything like that so I think shes at least aware that’s not why I’m doing it.)

    I’m also concerned about my performance review reflecting my performance before i got these accommodations (honestly the worst part was my boss not writing things down, it made it impossible to get anything done without a lot of conflict and drama).

    Any advice on bringing these things up? Can I trust the HR person to help me figure out issues or should i treat it as more adversarial and try to come with a list of fleshed out requirements? HR has been actually helpful so far in mediating with me and my boss.

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      Oh dear, I’m so sorry this is happening to you! I don’t love giving this advice, but in general I’d say lead with anything that *isn’t* the same thing as every office worker wants – I think they go down smoother. If there’s things you need that are actually *less* desirable to the average employee, lead with those. HR in my company tends to think accommodation requests are specious, so it’s hard when people are asking for things like 1) to be moved away from the annoying coworker that everybody wants to be moved away from 2) to get some other highly desirable perk like working from home that someone at their stage usually wouldn’t get yet, or the one desk by the window, or whatever. If what you really want is to get the less-desirable lunch shift or the spot under the vent, or you can kind of phrase it in that way, I think it helps. I’m sorry that this might sound discouraging, I hope that your HR is better than ours :(

    2. AnonJ*

      Well, I see a couple things here. If your desk is moved to the quieter area, would that mean you’d have to wear the headphones less? If so, that seems like the kind of compromise everyone could get behind. If you want to move to the quiet corner and keep using the headphones, your boss might see that as removing yourself even further from the team she needs to work together and make it a harder sell. What’s your role on the team? Can you function effectively under those conditions?

      As for the written instructions, how are instructions being delivered now? If things are said just in passing and you’re expected to absorb and remember them and that is the problem, is there an in between? Delivering all instructions on everything in writing could be burdensome to a manager where documentation doesn’t exist and situations change regularly. Is a daily one-on-one meeting where instructions are delivered verbally and you document them for your boss to confirm an option? If not, what amount of time would your manager expend in writing out instructions and is that ‘reasonable’?

      Remember, when it comes to the ADA we are considering reasonable accommodations. It’s a collaborative effort that takes into account both the needs of the employee and the employer. If either party is treating it as adversarial, not only is that is not in the spirit of the law, it will be less likely to create a constructive and productive dialog. Since you feel HR is being helpful so far there’s no need to take them to task for something that hasn’t happened. It sounds like they’re working with you and you should continue to work with them.

  62. Danae*

    So I’m up for a new position at the company I’m contracting for, and I have a new appreciation for why the hiring process takes so long. I know the managers for the position both want me to interview. I’m ready and willing to interview (and have been holding my calendar as open as possible for the last month, in case I have to travel for the interview). But interviews…just aren’t happening. It seems like the hang up might be them not being able to find a large enough pool of qualified candidates, since the position requires a mix of skills that is really hard to find.

    I’m not sure what happens if they end up with only one viable candidate for the role. I would really like this job, but it’s been a month since I last talked to the recruiter. If I didn’t work with the hiring managers, I’d assume that they’d passed on me.

  63. Teapot librarian*

    I have an employee (any of you who have been paying attention to my ongoing saga know about him) who takes up SO MUCH of my emotional energy. He canNOT accept feedback, and he keeps doing little things that just don’t meet professional norms. It is REALLY hard to document things like “Employee sent an email straight from the scanner so that I didn’t know what it was, who it was from, or that I was supposed to do something with it.” It’s even harder to provide feedback that is more constructive and objective than “you’ve been in the workforce for 30+ years, how do you not know better than this?” It is performance eval season, thank goodness.

    1. Jilly*

      For the scanner email example, I would frame it as “does not meet standards of clear business communication”. The scanner at my work allows me to put stuff in the subject line. Because I follow the standards of business communication, I would take the time to fill in the subject line as “X document for Review and Sig from Jilly”.

      1. Teapot librarian*

        Ooh, this is good language. (And yes, our scanner allows this, as well as to give the file a meaningful name, but it IS a pain to do that.) I was accused of “ranting and raving” when I responded to him with feedback. Ahhh, what fun it is to manage him.

        1. Sloan Kittering*

          I’d say this scanner example is too nitty gritty, especially since you do note that the correct procedure is time consuming. I’d focus on something else that’s annoying you other than this example, myself.

          1. Teapot librarian*

            There were other options my employee could have chosen–sending a separate email, sending from the scanner to himself and then forwarding it with context, stopping by my desk to tell me he was sending the document… You’re right that this is a seemingly minor problem, but it is part of a larger whole.

            1. Jilly*

              Which is what I do normally. I send it to myself, check the quality of the scan, then save it with a useful name, and then attach it to an email.

            2. Close Bracket*

              You need a level somewhere between detailing how you want him to send things from the scanner (too detailed) and telling him he needs to meet standards of clear business communication (not detailed enough). Are there other things you can group under this, so you could say something like, make sure all emails have a subject line, and give examples of when this hasn’t happened? Stay out of the weeds by saying something like, I trust you to know all the details of the various ways to send me emails, and I trust you to learn how to add a subject from any of them. I’m not going to review all of those with you bc that is basic business knowledge. That sounds a little harsh, but hopefully the message I am suggesting is clear: this is the end result you expect, the technical knowledge is on him to acquire.

              If you can batch multiple complaints like this, there will be fewer overall areas to improve, and it will come across as less nitpicky than dozens of individual complaints. Emphasize that these *are* problems, you *do* expect improvement, and it *did* affect his review this year, and now that he has been warned, it *will* affect reviews and raises going forward.

              These seem like silly things to PIP and possibly fire someone over, but you have to start thinking, if in a year nothing has changed, what you doing to do besides not give him a raise? If you do decide that these things warrant a PIP, warn him about that first: I told you this would affect your raise going forward. That’s happened. If I still don’t see improvement, the next step will be a PIP, which could result in termination if no improvement is seen during the PIP period. (or demotion? what are your options?).

              Are you female? Bc “ranting and raving,” lol

    2. fposte*

      Honestly, TL, I think your best course here is to detach emotionally from this–I think he’s good at sucking you into the drama and that you’ll be better off if you can let go of what he should do and what you shouldn’t have to do. If you can’t fire him yet, consider him a wonky appliance and you’re keeping notes for the repair person. “Furnace didn’t turn on.” Given that he’s not going to change what he does when you tell him to anyway, don’t invest energy in the feedback. “Furnace, please turn on when somebody pushes the button. Thanks.”

      1. Teapot librarian*

        I’m trying to detach emotionally, but I haven’t had too much success at that. Alas!

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          Also, feel very free to push back on the accusations of “ranting and raving.” You’re not ranting and raving; you’re communicating to him the expectations of the job. You can ask him if he understands what you mean about not just sending image files with no context, and also that, going forward, you expect feedback to be discussed respectfully. It’s fine if he doesn’t understand or if he can state respectfully that he doesn’t agree (although you can still insist he do things your way whether he agrees or not.) It’s not fine to say you’re ranting and raving and it’s not fine to fail to accept the correction.

  64. curly sue*

    I just wanted to say thank you to Alison and the commentariat here for advice! I stumbled on this site earlier this year and have learned a huge amount.

    My main job is not in the private sector (academia, and everything is unionized) and I had zero experience or confidence in negotiating salary. But last week I used tactics discussed here to ask for a raise in my side gig–which definitely is private sector and ‘what you can negotiate’–and received more than what I asked for, without a blink.

    I’ve probably left a lot of money on the table in the past by not knowing how to approach negotiations, or how to lay out what my work is worth, and this site has been immeasurably helpful in that regard. So yes – a very wordy way of saying ‘thank you.’

  65. Overeducated*

    I had a pretty stressful week at work because a coworker and I are behind on a major project, there are various interpersonal issues going on in the department, and then poor coworker got sick for half the week. It’s been rough. Coworker got back yesterday, was receptive to my insistence that we needed a new and more collaborative game plan for the project given the timeline, and we are back on track and making progress, albeit still behind.

    Made it through another week, which feels like a victory at this point. All is not lost, and I’m so grateful for telework Fridays, changing up the environment helps.

    1. Nant*

      glad you made it! \o/ fingers crossed you’ll get the project done and interpersonal issues get sorted out!

  66. Deryn*

    After much deliberation on the timing of it all, this week I made the final decision that I’m applying for PhD programs this winter. I sent an email asking about a letter of recommendation to two of my program directors from my master’s program last night, and got an autoreply from one that she had gone on maternity leave (I hadn’t even realized she was pregnant, as we haven’t been in close contact for about two years) on September 8th and would have “limited access” to email. I’m hoping this means she’ll check in and see it and give me a response either way, but I’m really not sure what the etiquette is here, especially as the application deadlines are in about 7 weeks. My tentative plan is to wait a week or so and then ask my current supervisor (who knows my program director) if she knows any more about the situation/whether it would be appropriate for me to ask this huge favor, and if so, if she has another way to contact her. I’m really really hoping everything works out, because these programs require three letters and not only would hers would be one of my strongest, I have only one or two other people I could ask and they would hold a lot less sway for these particular applications. I worked closely enough with her during my master’s that I’m not worried about the minutiae/formalities of requesting a letter of recommendation, and she’s let me know multiple times that when the time came for my applications she would be more than willing. But I also want to be respectful of her time with her family, of course.

    Has anyone run into a situation like this, or have suggestions about how to navigate it? I’m fairly comfortable with my current plan but I want to make sure I’m not overlooking anything.

    1. Murphy*

      I think waiting a week or two and then asking your supervisor about it is the right way to go. Different people in different jobs handle email on maternity leave differently. You worked closely with her and she’s already said previously that she’d be willing to do it, so I don’t think it’s an imposition to ask her, as long as you’re understanding that she might not be able to.

    2. Overeducated*

      I’d recommend seeking out that backup recommendation ASAP. People in academia handle maternity leave in very different ways, there’s a lot of pressure on women to keep getting work done but it’s not always feasible, so with a short timeline it’s good to have your alternative plan in place. Good luck!

      1. CaitlinM*

        If she isn’t looking at her email, I think it’s inappropriate to find another way to ask. Give it a week or two to see if you get a response. If not, go to plan B.

      2. Deryn*

        I’m definitely planning for alternatives! She’s actually no longer in academia (she now works full time at the same hospital I do) but that’s a really good point to consider as well.

  67. Lizabeth*

    Good news: the powers that be (TPTB) okayed me working remotely! I had written in to Alison about the best way to present it and get permission awhile back. This way I won’t have a long drive down and back every two weeks to check on parents. That commute has been draining to say the least – even with good audio books to listen to. Parents are in an assisted memory care unit because they are past being able to stay at home with help from me or my sister.

    Any suggestions or helpful tips about working remotely? Have good phone and internet service, bringing all the computer stuff I need, have a place to set it up and a comfortable chair. TIA

    1. Combinatorialist*

      I would think through about what you like most and least about your work environment at work and figure out what you can replicate at home. Also — how deliberate are you with your communications? If you mostly communicate by running into people, you will want to think about how you want to communicate when you are working remotely

      1. GreyNerdShark*

        How do people know you are working? Make sure you are seen in group emails or meetings or whatever, and you communicate a lot.

        People have to trust you are doing your work, not just bosses but colleagues.

    2. Indyrox*

      I have worked from home full time for the last 3 years and it’s a great perk if you have good habits.

      – Stay focused on work, as if you are in the office. I know of too many people that let themselves get distracted by household tasks or errands. My cat puking in the living room is an emergency, but the laundry can wait.

      – Stay available on whatever chat medium your employer provides, don’t forget to log in.

      – Don’t forget to eat, it’s too easy to get caught up in work because your mentality is that the kitchen is close by.

      – Remember to disconnect when the day is done. It’s too easy to take a call because you’re right by your laptop, and pretty soon your work-life balance is not so balanced.

      – Get dressed. While stumbling out of bed and working in your pajamas is nice sometimes, you’ve got to keep a clear delineation of home and work to be successful. You wouldn’t wear pajamas to work.

      – Have clear, documented goals and benchmarks for yourself that are shared with your superiors. There’s an unfortunate side effect of being remote, and that is the perception that we have it easy or do less, and we become less visible if we allow that. Make sure you’re selling your accomplishments, and any positive feedback that you can have tricked up to management will keep them feeling positive about your value.

      Congratulations and good luck!

    4. valentine*

      Don’t shut yourself in a room, if possible. Set up somewhere you’d like being even if you weren’t working/didn’t need to be there. Someplace with plenty of natural light and a nice but not distracting view. If you have a work desk that you need for other things, close your work computer and cover it or put it in a drawer. (If you don’t have a work-only computer, get one.) Be strict about your working/off time, even if it includes longer hours or overtime. If you decided to work 9-10 hours in a day, stop after that, especially if you know slippage has a snowball effect on your week. Have something to look forward to, like a snack you only have whilst working.

  68. Sabine the Very Mean*

    Need some advice:

    Last week I asked for help with developing a new work persona as I just started a new job and would like to avoid my past traps of being too familiar with peers, being in-direct, and allowing myself to be walked-on for serious lack of a better term.

    Okay so now at new job. Great. Great team, cool work, very busy and challenging. My issue is my direct partner who shares my title and manages the program with me. After years of working 4 jobs while researching in grad school, I just have developed a seriously efficient work style. I also still read this blog, take breaks for emails and personal stuff, and still leave right at the 8 hour mark on the dot. I am willing to stay an additional 30-60 minutes when needed–which really is only when our federal grant application is due.

    Partner, however, frequently leaves her desk to socialize, smoke outside, take random breaks, etc. Which is her call. Her work is good and she gets it done but she routinely stays hours late and once said she and former-me once stayed until 11:00pm. NOPE! Never going to happen. How can I help curb expectations that I will just happily do the same? I often remind her that the tasks that need both of us need to be prioritized. Should I just stick to that and refuse to stay late when she expects me to?

    1. Tara S.*

      Keep leaving on the dot and doing good work. If you get asked to stay late, consider if it would make sense (although you may never get asked to, sometimes people stay late but don’t expect others to). If you get asked more than twice, then you could bring it up to your coworker (and if that fails, manager) as a “hey, I need to get out of here on time most of the time. It feels like we’ve been running into issues that make it necessary to stay late more frequently than I expected. I don’t mind doing that every so often, but don’t want to make it a habit! :) Is there anything I can do to help address this?” But I wouldn’t bring it up at all unless it proves to be a thing that happens a lot. Sometimes we worry about stuff like this and it never comes to pass!

      1. fposte*

        Totally agree. You don’t need to manage expectations until they’re explicitly stated, and currently they’re not. Don’t let anxiety about the future eat your present.

  69. extra anonymous for this post*

    Longtime reader, occasional commenter here.

    I mostly just need to vent a little, but hopefully this may also provide some insight into dysfunctional hiring processes for people who are job seeking/interviewing.

    This spring, after very clear and consistent documentation of the needs, I was finally promised headcount to hire a second person into my department (the person who had originally hired me last year had been let go 3 months later, effectively whittling a 2-person department down to just me with no reduction in work and a strong uptick in responsibility). I set up job listings, screened candidates, put some of them through multiple in-person interviews with myself, my boss, and members of interfacing teams, and eventually ended up with 3 front runners. By the time these front runners were going through what were supposed to be their final rounds of interviews, the headcount for this role had effectively disappeared and become contingent on a deal that is consistently being pushed out month by month. Frustrated, I did my best to honestly communicate the timeline (or lack thereof) to these candidates, and eventually lost all of them (totally understandable.)

    The job listings are still up and people continue to apply to them. I spoke to my boss about taking them down, since we aren’t currently actively interviewing for them, and he said that he agrees with me but that our CEO for some reason feels strongly about leaving them up. I’m just super annoyed by this whole process. I’ve been put in the position of wasting mine and candidates’ time, leading on innocent job seekers, and continue to be strained and understaffed. There are multiple other indicators of dysfunction in this company and I’m actively job searching (as actively as I’m able while continuing to actually do my job.)

    Anyway, if you’re out there and you feel like your applications of interviews are going into a black hole … something like this could be happening. I’m sorry.

  70. Ann O. Nimitee*

    I think I’m having a nervous breakdown at work. A project that’s due Monday has unexpectedly become the straw that is breaking the proverbial camel’s back. I pulled two 14-hour days this week, and will be working as many hours as I can stand this weekend to try to get it done. I have finally dared to push back against my supervisor, asking him whether I should work all weekend or tell the client I need an extension. His response? “It’s your decision.” This has all of a sudden, after 5 years of this, become completely and utterly unacceptable to me. I am filled with rage, spite, hate, tears, and even the occasional suicidal thought. How do I keep from saying or doing something I’ll regret?

    1. PX*

      Personally I would just ask for the extension. Take some time over the weekend to decompress. Finish this project. Take some time off if you can. And then after that, then sit down and evaluate your job/boss/are you happy/is it time to start looking.

    2. Combinatorialist*

      Is it possible to take some time off after the project is done? You need it, either now, or after you push and finish the project

  71. stitchinthyme*

    Just need to vent a little…

    This has been a hard week at work. I’ve always struggled with impostor syndrome; since I know it’s all in my head, I generally just do my best to ignore it, but every now and then it rears its ugly head. This time it’s because a guy I liked and worked relatively closely with is leaving — today is his last day. Since he wrote the bulk of the application I’m working on, asking him a single question could often save me hours of work trying to find the bit of code I needed to fix or modify. And it’s been feeling like everything I try to do lately ends up being impossibly complicated and difficult.

    My boss came by this morning to check in and I was candid with him about how I’ve been feeling — depressed about my coworker leaving (especially as he’s the third one who’s left in the last few months, and was one of the few people I really felt comfortable with), doubting my own intelligence and skills, and just generally feeling stupid and over my head in this place. He was reassuring; said my work has been good, and they definitely do not want to lose me, so if there’s anything they can do to help me over the crisis of confidence, just let him know. (But it’s pretty much all in my head, so the answer is really just “suck it up and get past it”.)

    It did make me feel better to hear that they are happy with my work here; I’m a much bigger critic of my own work than anyone else. But I really wish I could make the impostor syndrome go away.

    1. Sherm*

      For me at least, the passage of time helps a lot. My face could belong on a textbook about imposter symptom, but even I am gaining confidence at my current job. I get more and more data points of people telling me I’m doing a good job, so it becomes harder to wave them all away as their being mistaken or my “fooling” them that I am competent.

    2. Friday afternoon fever*

      Alison has written a few times about impostor syndrome, and I know it also comes up a lot in open threads; these may help you ‘suck it up [continue to do your job well, as you have been, while working on your thought processes & feelings of self-worth] and get past it [make progress and eventually overcome this very legitimate challenge]’ —

      https://www.askamanager.org/2017/10/how-can-i-get-over-impostor-syndrome.html
      https://www.askamanager.org/2015/01/impostor-syndrome-do-you-feel-like-a-fraud.html

    3. valentine*

      Is there an EAP and/or can you see a therapist about this? There must be tools someone can share. Sucking it up doesn’t sound promising.

  72. PX*

    Sigh. It has been a frustrating week at work. But aside from that, does anyone have any advice/success stories on how to carefully have a conversation with your boss about moving upwards/onwards when you have ended up in a niche position that will…likely be hard to fill?

    I was quite clear when I came into this position that growth and new challenges were important to me, and so far that hasnt been an issue, but I’m now in a weird position of liking what I do, being the only person who does what I do (in a very large company), but also very clearly reaching the limits of pushing myself in this particular role and wanting to branch out more – which is difficult in the department I am in (unfortunately).

    1. Trisha*

      Instead of looking at it from the perspective of “if I get a promotion they won’t be able to fill this role, hence, no promotion for me.” Have you considered approaching your boss from a perspective of “Life happens, we should implement a succession plan and consider cross training….because I’m an awesome strategic thinker and team player of course, not because I have any nefarious plan to leave this fantastic job.”

      1. PX*

        Ahaha. Its been discussed several times but…we just never get round to it. Probably worth a discussion again though, thanks for the reminder!

  73. Gumby*

    My sister is at a job that is toxic for several reasons but the one that is crazy-making at the moment is that she is supposed to get commission on her sales. My understanding is that while the amount of commission is not in question, the timing is up to the owner’s discretion. It is a fairly male-dominated field and she’s the only sales/field person in the company who is a woman. Lo and behold, somehow the owner hasn’t felt the need to give her commission even though a co-worker who started at the same time got his first check over a month ago. Maybe around 2 by now. She’s asked for one and the owner is all “meh” about it. It will come “sometime” (he hasn’t even managed an insincere “soon”). Meanwhile, “he practically chased down [two of her male co-workers] waving their commission checks in the air.”

    The wrench in the works is that she had a ton of stress from several sources in her life right now – work being a large but by no means the only contributor – and she just doesn’t have the bandwidth to fight this right now. She needs the job because it is supporting her family so she couldn’t go scorched earth and she also needs this commission money too – she can’t really afford to let it go (which, if she managed to walk away, she fears would happen).

    I know it is unlikely, but is there anything extremely low-effort she could do? At this point, even family members would be willing to step in and help though I suspect that going in to punch her boss in the nose would not, ultimately, improve the situation… Ideas? Suggestions?

    1. LurkieLoo*

      If she’s receiving commission, there should be some documentation somewhere of how that works. We pay commissions (mostly through brokers) and it does vary from monthly to quarterly to a yearly bonus for quotas vs straight commission. However, in each case, we have documented WHEN the person should expect payment. The normal terms are by the 15th of the month following the sale, but we have some that are the 15th of the month following the payment from the sale.

      Really, though, she needs to see if she can find some actual documentation either in her offer package or handbook or something. Otherwise, can she go to the person who actually writes the checks and see if there is some kind of holdup she doesn’t know about that she could actually alleviate (maybe she’s missing a step in the submission process or something). Or that person may be able to give some insight into what is going on with the boss being such a jerk.

    2. valentine*

      If they have proper HR, not the same person who’s being gross, she can point out it looks like sexism and we don’t want that. Can the family help with a loan or child care/housework so she can free a bit of time for job searching? It’s not sustainable to need money that may not be forthcoming. Are there really no labor guidelines on when she has to be paid?

  74. Anonymous.*

    So Boss’s Day is coming up and I’ve been asked to chip in for a gift for my boss’s boss. I feel like that’s really inappropriate, but I’ve also never worked anywhere that has done anything for Boss’s Day. I think Boss’s Day is BS to begin with, but then this implies that I not only have to get a gift for my boss’s boss, but my boss as well. Is this normal? I just know if I don’t contribute, they will still ask me to sign a card for him and then I’m going to feel weird signing a card if I didn’t contribute to the gift.

    2. valentine*

      Don’t give/sign. Just say you don’t celebrate it, as you might anything else you don’t celebrate. Others will follow.

  75. Spider*

    Just a vent…

    Background: I’m a university library staff member who works in the Government Documents department. Everyone in a US library designated as a government documents depository library must be familiar with the Federal Depository Library Program (FDLP) website and resources — just like anyone in the US who works with federal taxes must be familiar with the IRS, their website, their forms, etc. It’s just a basic function of the job.

    A few miles away, there is another Gov Docs depository library in an institution notorious for being completely mismanaged at every level. There is a Gov Docs librarian who has been there for years and years, whom I’ve never met but know her only through situations like this one, when she bombards me with multiple emails and voicemails over some basic question that she should damn-well already know.

    Vent time:
    Yesterday afternoon, I get two voicemails and an email from this librarian asking me how to contact the FDLP to ask a basic question.

    1) How the hell does this person not know to go to the FDLP website and click on the “Contact Us” menu tab? That’s like a tax accountant not knowing how to find the contact info for the IRS. She’s been in her job for years — how does she not know this?

    2) She’s a flipping librarian. LOOK IT UP. THAT IS YOUR JOB. Why the hell are you calling up a staff person at another library instead of googling “FDLP contact,” FFS??

    3) Her messages included what she wanted to ask the FDLP about. It’s general, not-at-all-urgent, information she’s looking for. Why is she leaving me two frantic voicemails plus an email about this basic-ass question, instead of looking it up herself???

    4) And more importantly, how the hell is this woman a professional librarian when her librarian skills are so lacking, when I can’t get a professional librarian job with my MLIS and 15+ years of para-professional experience????

    Damn it.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Now you have me curious, what is your university’s relationship to this other librarian’s institution? How does she even know you or about you? I’d probably ignore her messages unless she was working for the same employer or a client of my employer…even then, when someone from the client’s office asks a really poorly worded, vague question about something I’ve explained to them 5 times already (which happens more often than it should), I usually take a day or four to respond, depending on how many times they’ve asked me that same question in the last 6 months.

      1. Spider*

        My library is the closest government depository library to hers in our county, that’s it. I may have met her once at a conference, just to shake her hand. Why she’s calling me and not my supervisor or any other librarian is a mystery.

        She’s done this to me before — blitz me with emails and voicemails about a non-emergency — most recently about how to properly dispose of microfiche. Again, why call me?? LOOK IT UP.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          OK, so you have ZERO obligation to help her. If you really feel like she’s being helpless instead of learning or figuring it out, just don’t respond, or tell her you’re busy helping patrons (or whatever you call your customers/audience), and don’t know if or when you’ll be able to get back to her.

        2. Lis*

          Reply “I believe the answer is available on *url*” even set it up as a stock response in your email programme. They probably bug you becsuse you have been helpful in the past.

    2. fposte*

      Speaking from a library science perspective, I say “Holy crap.” Like, I’d wonder if she’d had a sudden health problem or dementia onset, except for the fact that you say she’s always like this. I can’t imagine anybody I know in the field even tolerating anything like this.

      So, vent away and spread the word if they post for her replacement.

      1. Spider*

        Oh ho! When my supervisor’s position opened last year, she applied. I told the hiring committee and my library director about her history of (maybe 2-3 times a year) suddenly blowing up my phone and inbox with high anxiety over very basic, non-urgent questions about government documents that she should easily be able to find the answers to online. I also said if she freaks out like that over such non-issues, I can’t imagine what she would be like to work with every day, and I would look for another job if she was hired to be my supervisor.

        Luckily, she never made it to the interview stage.

    3. Princess Scrivener*

      Commiserating, but also laughing, sorry. We JUST had this conversation a half hour ago about one of our teammates. Like how do you NOT know the answer to the most basic question, but also, how do you NOT know how dumb you look when you ask it? Google much?

        1. valentine*

          Tell her once Google can answer her faster than you can and to stop outsourcing her work to you. I wonder if that was 100% her plan as your supervisor and whether the panic is because she’s close to being found out as a fraud.

  76. Kix*

    I heard a curious rumor here at work yesterday and I’d be interested in input from AAM readers.

    I’m a mid-level manager working in a division within a government agency and the culture shifts of late seem to be reverting back to the “mean girls” days.

    I heard yesterday that the program I work for is under scrutiny by senior management because our program manager (with whom I have a great relationship) is very much disliked and every move we make as a program is under a microscope.

    While I’m not apt to just believe any rumor that surfaces around here, this one makes sense because I’m highly skilled in the part of the work I do and I’ve struggled this year getting things approved up the ladder. I couldn’t figure out where the obstructionist behavior was coming from.

    Our program is mandated by statute, so I’m not worried about it disappearing, but I do have concerns that this obstructionist behavior by senior management has a direct impact on my ability to do my job.

    Question: do I share the rumor with my program manager, or let it go? She’s currently out of the office on vacation, so I’m sure she hasn’t heard it yet.

    PS, wouldn’t it be great if all workplaces could be drama-free?!

  77. GiantPanda*

    The desk lamp in our office decided to drop a glass plate (1-2 sq. ft) today. Lots of shards and splinters on my coworker’s and my desk, on the floor, the laptop, the keyboard, in the coffee mug… but no personal injuries.

    The infuriating part: Both the cleaning lady and the janitor who picked up the broken lamp said this is a known problem. The glass covering on the underside of the lamp is fastened with some glue that ages badly. This was at least the third such incident in two years.

    We will be forced to get an identical replacement lamp. Making do with one fewer lamp or another model is not permitted due to workplace lighting regulations.

    TGIF.

    2. Susan Calvin*

      Lovely. Reminds me (in spirit, although not actual levels of dangerous) of the health and safety person who visited us from corporate once, and not only moved a few file cabinets that had been standing too close behind our marketers chair – into a position where you had to squeeze past it to even get to her desk. He also deemed the dart board (the electric kind, with the plastic tip darts) in our kitchen too dangerous, moving it to the downstairs break room, where nobody ever goes.

  78. anon dropout*

    So. What’s the most diplomatic way of putting a pretty fancy Master’s programme which I never actually finished on my resume? I did all of the relevant coursework, but ran into issues with my thesis. When my current employer hired me ~3 years ago, they knew I hadn’t graduated, but back then the ‘yet’ could still be plausibly implied. Now I’m slowly starting to put out feelers again, with half a mind to earnestly start writing applications in spring, but this has me stumped. I think I can make my case well enough in person, but I’ll have to make it to that stage first…

    2. Jillociraptor*

      Does the coursework help your candidacy? I am also a Master’s drop out but I don’t list it on my resume, or really talk about it much in my professional life. (Except for funny stories about doing ethnographic research with pre-schoolers. Absolute comedy gold.)

      If your program is related, I’d think about how it improves your profile, and use that information to present this on your resume. For example, if you did a relevant practicum or internship or something, I’d list that as job experience. Or if your coursework demonstrates relevant content knowledge that isn’t obvious from your resume, you could say something like “coursework in x, y, z from The Best University.”

  79. Trixie*

    I am working on holiday invite email and need suggestions for formatting in Gmail. Short of using a graphic program, is there a way to include a graphic as a background? I had suggested Evite or Paperless Post but no go. Previous emails had simply dropped a photo or graphic in the email but I’m not a fan of the finished product. I think my workplace provides access to Adobe Creative but I haven’t looked at it recently. Maybe solution is there?

    1. Jillociraptor*

      Check out Canva. It’s a WYSIWYG graphics editing platform that’s very user-friendly and has lots of plug-and-play templates you can use.

      1. Trixie*

        This looks promising.I was hoping to include link within graphic to RSVP form. Program suggests PDF for link but won’t upload or recognize anything but png files. Any suggestions? Great program otherwise, thank you Jillociraptor!

  80. Ell*

    I got a GREAT verbal offer on tuesday of this week, and I began the process of the formal application to generate the formal offer letter yesterday. I have one more step to complete today, and then they’ll check my references/employment dates and send a formal offer. I don’t expect to do much negotiating– the verbal offer met my initial salary request (which is a promotion and 50% raise from my current salary!), their benefits are standard for my industry, and I have friends at the new agency who have answered some of my other questions.

    So… when do I give notice? Now, or when I have a formal offer?

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      ALWAYS wait until you have accepted the offer and agreed on a start date! Even then, people have had offers rescinded at that point, but there’s no reason to announce anything until you’re as sure as you can be that there’s something to announce.

      That said, it sounds like since you know people there, it’s not likely the kind of place that would treat you like that, but there’s still zero advantage to telling them early, and very slight but significant risk to you.

  81. Jack Be Nimble*

    I encountered a weird situation at work, would love some other perspectives!

    I work in HR for an org that has volunteers in various countries throughout Europe, South America, and Africa. I was contacted earlier in the week by a man unaffiliated with the org who wanted to check on one of our volunteers, who he’d met online.

    Over the course of our conversation, it became apparent that this man was being targeted by a scammer. Someone using stolen pictures and pretending to be a volunteer and asking him to wire “her” money. I explained the situation as gently as possible and was able to confirm that we don’t have anyone in the country where the scammer claimed to be volunteering and nobody by that name. Other details didn’t quite match up, as well.

    I didn’t think too much of it, but now I’m wondering if I should mention it to my supervisor. Is there an action that can even be taken?

    1. Jack Be Nimble*

      Hit ‘submit’ too soon!

      Is there any action that can be taken against catfishers/scammers? Or any useful language I should use if this happens again?

      1. fposte*

        I think usually they’re in foreign countries and don’t rise to the level of concern for international policing, so law enforcement isn’t much help there. I don’t know if this was the “stranded traveler” money wire scam or romantic catfishing, but you can find a quick overview of both of those online and might keep the templates around to share with people if you encounter it again. I would, in such conversations, stress that unfortunately this kind of crime is very common and the people who commit it are very cunning at making good-hearted people believe them (so you’re making it clear that they fell for it for good reasons), but I think you probably hit all the major notes.

        1. Jack Be Nimble*

          From the gentleman’s description, it seemed like a classic romance scam–building up a “relationship” with a false identity and then asking for money. The scammer specifically asked for money to purchase food after an illness, but if he’d wired them the requested money, I’m sure more disasters would have befallen them, requiring more cash!

          That’s great language tho, I’ll have to remember that if I run into this issue again!

    2. gecko*

      It’s worth notifying your supervisor, and possibly IT. I think the goals from this would be…

      – Let somebody know that it happened. That’s never something to sneeze at

      – IT should be helping employees & volunteers avoid phishing attempts targeted at them

      It’s very likely that this was a matter of luck, and the attempted (successful?) catfisher just found a volunteer’s publically-available photos & information. But it’s also possible for catfishers/scammers/phishers to want access to private accounts to hijack them, hence IT knowing.

      1. Jack Be Nimble*

        I don’t think, but can’t be sure, that the scammer had a real volunteer’s information. I think they pulled a random woman’s pictures from somewhere, signed up for a profile on a dating site using the stolen picture and our organization’s name, and began chatting with the gentleman for several weeks before requesting money. He had done some kind of research on the email, and said that the user associated with it was a completely different person.

        I can’t be sure, however, because we have had a LOT of phishing attempts lately.

        Thanks!

        2. gecko*

          No problem! It’s worth a heads up. Ya know I think it’s really not an IT issue but a luck of the draw issue that your org’s name was used in the catfish, but it’s still possible that it fits into a pattern you don’t have all the pieces of.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, I was initially thinking that that kind of org would be particularly vulnerable to the stranded traveler scam, but plain old catfishing seems more random.

    3. Otter box*

      I would mention it to your supervisor in case this becomes a pattern, with scammers regularly using your org’s reputation to steal money from people. At one nonprofit I used to work at, there was a two-week period where scammers were trying to con a whole bunch of people out of money by using our name and spoofing our phone number. There was literally nothing we could do to stop the scam, but we had to have messaging ready for all the angry and/or confused calls and emails we fielded during that time. Apparently the scammers eventually stopped using our name, but it was a headache for me, since I was the receptionist at the time.

  82. Cakezilla*

    Looking for some help. I am a social worker, I deal with mountains of paperwork on the regular, and I am super organizationally challenged. Trying to keep on top of all my paperwork is easily the most stressful part of the job for me.

    Best tips for staying organized, especially when organization is NOT your forte?

    1. Tara S.*

      Find an organizing system that works for you. I use Trello, because I can create a “ticket” for each job I have to do. I update the ticket as things get done, and can go back and check if I can’t remember how long it’s been since I asked for X. You could have a list for each case/family, with each task you need to do on the list. The best system is the system that works best for you, but I know I find it helpful to have EVERYTHING written down somewhere so I don’t have to panic about having forgot something.

    2. Scaramouche Scaramouche*

      My best tips:

      1)This is part of your job, so think of getting and staying organized not as something you should magically be good at and are falling short in, but RATHER, one of the things on your to do list (I hope you keep a to do list btw!). When thinking and plannign out how you spend your working hours, factor in time getting and staying organized. And at this stage, factor in time researching and trying out strategies!

      2) Do you understand what motivates you? What helps you stick with a new habit or resolution? I get a tiny thrill ticking off to do lists and counts, so I keep a list in the corner of my planner that says “glass of water, walk outside, stand up and stretch”, and tick off each time I do a thing. I feel proud of myself when I see that for an entire week I drank enough water, took enough walking and standing breaks, etc. Some things that might motivate you that you can try: outside validation (keep a friend or SO posted on your progress, like how you’ve used your new planner consistently all week, or put a picture of your neat desk on instagram); incentives (new something you can buy when you get your files in order); seeing the benefit (keep a journal of how the organizing work is going and how you’re feeling). Design your strategy around what motivates you.

      3) Don’t try to do it all at once. Start small with a single habit that will make a difference, and work on developing that habit for a month. Get through a month before you consider adding something new. If you try to completely overhaul everything at once you may lose momentum and get discouraged.

      4) Identify what’s most getting in your way. Is it guilt because you think your desk looks terrible or you can’t find your tax paperwork that’s overdue? Is anything costing you money or otherwise damaging your quality of life? If so, what can you do to address that thing? Maybe put that first – even before the habit formation. If you need to spend a Saturday rifling through all your paperwork to find a certain bill with a due date creeping up, then make the time for that first, right out the gate. Then enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and relief, and use that energy to pick up a new habit.

      5) Be gentle with yourself. If you are shaming yourself for your disorganization, focus on your strengths and give yourself a break from self-critique for a second.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Is it tracking the paperwork or finding the paperwork that you struggle with? Or both? If it’s the tracking, then an app like trello can be very helpful. I use asana which is very similar and I organize my tasks into 4 main categories: working on, waiting for, open, and closed. It helps me see at a glance what I’m doing and what’s waiting in the wings. I can also use tags to label the tickets with words and color. The application shows each task in a dashboard that gives the title and a short description plus the tag colors.

      If you’re less high tech you can create a document in Word to track each project status. I used to take 15 minutes each Friday to summarize the week and outline my goals for the next week. At the bottom I would record any off list things that affected my productivity: from vacations to emergency projects. These summaries were very helpful when preparing for reviews or resume updates.

      If it’s finding the paperwork then I wonder if you could use the filing stickers used by medical offices. There are ones for sorting alphabetically and also colored ones you can use for your own code system and update the sticker as the status changes. And if budgets are tight, you can get the job done with a set of markers or highlighters. Then find a way to store the files so you can see your stickers.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Physical structures help me.
      For keeping track of tasks or projects, I find a physical “tickler” file helpful, so I can put the materials for the project into the slot for the day I need to take the next action.

      For paperwork, if it’s a situation where there are similar forms for each case, the legal style of filing helps me – an outer file with tabs inside for each different form, general correspondence, my notes, etc. It helps to set the whole thing up at the beginning, so you have slots to fill, instead of sorting it later. Binders could also work for this, if you don’t have to take stuff out a lot.

      I also need to write where I stopped and what my next step is, on the top sheet of the file before I close it. That saves a lot of time trying to remember or read thru notes to catch back up.

      I also use a lot of calendar reminders for future tasks or follow-up. Like, I requested info from Ms A. I’ll immediately put a calendar reminder and/or a note in the tickler file for a week out (or however long is appropriate), saying “Did Ms A send info? Follow up if not.”

    5. valentine*

      If you mean hardcopies, get different-colored bins, sort by type, and stack by date, oldest first. For multiple due dates (visits/filing/court dates), color-code with Post-It flags. I wish I could do this for you. Just typing about it is fun. Start a bullet journal. No need for fancy books/paper/stickers (though I love them). I use small, chunky memo books, but you probably want something at least 8×5″.

  83. On wednesdays we wear pink*

    Opinions about using a shower at your workplace?
    We are moving to a new office and there will be a shower in the new building. One coworker has been quite vocal that he intends on using the shower at work so he can save on his water bill at home. This would not be for a shower following a workout or a bike commuting, but literally his morning shower.
    It irks me for some reason, I think it is unprofessional and there should be a cleaner border between what you do at home and what you do at work.

    1. The Ginger Ginger*

      Yeah, it’s not there for normal, daily use. It’s there for extenuating circumstances/sweaty commutes/lunch time work outs/etc. Is he just going to park his stuff in it? Where’s he putting his wet towels? How long does he plan on monopolizing it every morning? (and, ew, who would want to use a community shower all the time if they could be showering at home/???)

      Basically – it shouldn’t be used for taking your morning cleanliness routine and transplanting it into the office. It’s there for when your travel to the office or activity during the day requires you to clean off AGAIN.

      Also – how long does this guy shower that showering at work is going to appreciably help his bottom line? And if that’s actually an issue, maybe he should be asking for a raise, not bogarting a community shower.

      1. Murphy*

        Eh, I don’t know if it’s “not for daily use”. I’m thinking of my husband who used to bike 7 miles to work every day. I think his co-workers probably appreciated that he showered every morning!

        I do think it’s weird to just use it every day just because, but I don’t know if there’s really a good way to prevent that.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Yeah, I don’t know anyone who admitted to using the office shower to avoid paying water bills, but I knew plenty of people at a former workplace who used the shower after biking to work, and I certainly didn’t want them being sweaty the whole day.

        2. The Ginger Ginger*

          If you read my whole comment, we’re actually in agreement here. I said not for normal, daily use to mean in replacement of your normal daily cleanliness routine. If you’re sweating on the way to work or during the day to the point you need to clean off, THAT’s what the office shower is for. Because quickly cleaning off after a workout is generally less time than the whole getting ready for the day/shaving/overall cleanse that replacing your home shower time with office shower time would entail.

          1. Murphy*

            I read the whole comment. In the instance I’m talking about, it did replace his normal getting ready routine. Not the teeth brushing or shaving, but that was his daily weekday shower.

    2. yup*

      I think it’s weird that he is being vocal about it. People have their own financial situations and I wouldn’t read too much into him deciding to shower where it will save him money, but him deciding to publicize it would be off-putting to me. At the same time, presumably, you aren’t going to be there when he showers, so I don’t see why this irks you either. I suppose he’s an obnoxious person in general and that’s what this is really about for you, but I’m reading between the lines.

    3. CheeryO*

      That’s very odd (unless water bills are extremely high where you are, in which case I kind of get it), but I’d let it go for now. If shower availability becomes an issue, someone will need to talk to him, since that’s really not what they’re there for.

    4. Sherm*

      Unless the shower is presented as a perk to everyone working there, then, yeah it’s inappropriate. I sympathize if his budget is tight, but I can’t bring my Nintendo to work and play video games just because I want to save on electricity.

    5. Curious Cat*

      Eh, I’d leave this alone and try to put it out of your mind. It’s super weird he’s being vocal about his reasoning behind using the shower every day, but I’d just brush it off as a quirk. I wouldn’t ever question if someone was doing a daily morning workout and then using the shower at my office, so the fact that he’s showering every day there isn’t what’s wrong, it’s just the fact that he’s literally announcing the reasoning why (because honestly, who cares?).

    6. Ender Wiggin*

      I showered at work for 6 months when my home life made taking a shower at home stressful. I think you should stop focusing on your coworkers use of the shower.

      Also consider this: A shower takes 10 minutes. Smokers spend at least an hour a day smoking while being paid. If you are going to start monitoring your coworkers use of company time, that would be a much better target for your focus.

    7. Smarty Boots*

      I’d just let this go. Does it affect you or your ability to get your work done? If not, it’s really not your business.

      Or just enjoy it as an example of “people are wacky.”

    8. Jaid_Diah*

      Is he coming to work in another outfit or wearing his work clothes in and putting them back on after he’s showered? I guess it doesn’t matter too much, but it’s still odd.

  84. bookends*

    Any advice on being supportive of a coworker dealing with loss when you’re not in the same office?

    I work alone in a regional office while my five coworkers are in our main office about 90 minutes away. One person in that office just lost his mom to cancer over the weekend – he came back for his first partial day back at work yesterday. I consider him a work friend, and we text fairly often, so I reached out to offer condolences, let him know to reach out if he needs any help with anything, and to tell him that he shouldn’t feel obligated to chat unless he feels up to it.

    Anything else I can do to be a good supportive coworker from afar? If we were in the same office, I’d offer to grab him coffee/lunch if I was picking something up, make sure I’m available to cover something if he needs a few minutes, etc., but I’m not really sure what to do remotely.

    1. Tara S.*

      Check in with your other coworkers, to see if anything is being temporarily shifted off his plate that you can help with (with my coworker who lost a child, I stopped sending her emails until her designated work contact/liaison person started putting her back on the group emails). Otherwise try to keep things as normal as possible, and be generous about late replies.

  85. BirthdayWeek*

    I interviewed with a job and during the in-person, they expressed deep concern that I would have to give a two-weeks notice because they want someone now now NOW.

    Am I wrong to think that’s not entirely fair? This is for a senior position, and how many senior-qualified canidates are there walking around without a current job? I couldn’t quit on the spot with my current position in good faith, even though I am really interested in this new opportunity.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      It’s a huge red flag. They want to you to be unprofessional and burn bridges with your current employer because it would benefit them. Would they also be OK if you quit with no notice because another company wanted to hire you and was equally desperate (and unethical)? To be clear, there’s nothing unethical about asking whether you could start sooner, or you asking your employer. But since it’s accepted convention, we do owe it to our employers (assuming they have not mistreated us badly) to give them standard notice, whatever that is in your country and industry. And the notice is usually longer the more senior you are.

    2. The Ginger Ginger*

      Yeah, that’s very unreasonable of them. And maybe an orange flag on the org you’re interviewing with.

    3. Sherm*

      At my current workplace, they wanted me there right away, but when they told them I wanted to give my employer 2 weeks notice, they said fine and did not give me any trouble or pushback. I like where I work, but everyone is overworked, so I see why they were eager to bring me onboard. I would have been concerned though if they acted like this professional courtesy to my old employer was some big disappointment to them.

      1. BirthdayWeek*

        Thanks everyone for your feedback. I agree it is eyebrow raising. Obviously if it’s too big of a deal to the company I interview for, they won’t hire me. I certainly will not be burning bridges with my current employer!

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          If they rescind an offer over you wanting to give two weeks’ notice, then you dodged a bullet.

    4. BRR*

      It’s ridiculous when companies say they want someone now. I would put money they didn’t move at a lightning pace for hiring but all of a sudden time is of the essence.

  86. Rhiiiiiiannnnnnnon*

    Sigh… I just want to vent really quick about something I KNOW I shouldn’t let myself be bothered by…but I keep being bothered by it. Maybe you guys can help me change my viewpoint on this?

    So I’m part of a small admin team led by an overall great boss. We’re hourly, but my boss is the type that will occasionally tell us to “get out of here, go home,” when all the salary staff have taken off early on a slow Friday. That’s normally a rare thing/special treat. But two of our admin team have started to completely abuse this policy. Any day of the week, if things are slow (and they are most afternoons) they’ll just leave early.

    Sometimes its only a half hour early, but sometimes its an hour or two hours… and over the week that adds up to a significant chunk of time they’re not working, but getting paid a full 40-hours. Last week my boss was out of the office on Friday and they left at 2pm! She is out sick today too, so I know I’ll be seeing them leave around the same time today. At this point they should really be considered part-time.

    I know this isn’t my problem, or my business, so I haven’t ever brought it up with our boss. And I never talk about them leaving early when she’s out. Their work is still getting done, and they must have made some kind of deal, because she sees them go during the week. But it just feels really unfair to me, every time I watch them leave.

    I just need help letting this go. Any advice?

    1. yup*

      Are you sure they are getting paid for this time? It’s possible what they worked out is that they are free to go whenever their work gets done and won’t be paid accordingly. Of course, it’s also possible they are abusing the system, but it sounds like you don’t know that.

      1. Rhiiiiiiannnnnnnon*

        Totally right. I’m just guessing, and like I said its none of my business. But I know a little about their individual financial situations…and the city we live in…and where they live etc. I don’t believe they could afford to not be paid. Maybe I’m wrong and they’re secretly independently wealthy. I’m just going of the things I’ve heard them talk about with me.

        1. yup*

          I don’t know that it’s necessarily “not your business.” I think your reasons for being upset and feeling marginalized are valid. Also, if she hasn’t cut a deal with them and they are leaving and wrongfully getting paid, she would want to know as this hurts the entire business. Could you approach it with your boss as “Hey, I just want to make sure I understand the expectations of me when times are slow?”

          1. valentine*

            It’s not your problem, so far, but it is your business if they’re skiving off because they’re reducing capacity to one and, if you don’t tell, your boss may consider you an untrustworthy co-conspirator. I’m not sure how to word, though, that doesn’t sound like “I’ll have what they’re having.”

    2. Kathenus*

      I see a bit of a middle road that you could take. No reason to specifically ‘out’ them to your boss, but also don’t cover for them. For example if you are asked anything specific – such as ‘please ask coworker A to do such and such’ and coworker A is gone for the day you would just say that. And don’t do their work for them when they’re not here (i.e. answer their phones, do extra work that needs to be turned in, etc.). Don’t let them leaving early negatively impact you, but other than that you could just ignore it.

      All that said, if you feel like there’s a perk you’re missing out on – that they are allowed to leave early more versus just doing it when they won’t get caught – you could always ask your boss if leaving early when you’re caught up is now OK. I wouldn’t use this approach if you are just trying to get them caught, but only if you truly thought it might be a new perk that you just weren’t told about.

  87. Nacho*

    This is my last day of training for a lateral promotion. I’m moving from a customer facing role to a business partner facing one, and after doing a few things yesterday (under supervision of the trainer), I’m starting to realize just how little I know/how not ready I am. Supposedly I’m supposed to learn 85% of the job in the course of actually doing it, but I’m seriously starting to wonder if this wasn’t a mistake.

    It’s too late to turn back now though, so there’s really nothing I can do but try my best and hope I don’t fail horribly.

    1. JanetM*

      I wish you courage, luck, and success — and a good mentor in your new position. Congratulations!

    2. Kathenus*

      It’s totally normal to be nervous when starting a job with lots of new skills. You were promoted for a reason. They have confidence from your past performance that you have the right skills (and/or ability to learn them) to succeed in this new role. Have the same faith in yourself!

  88. jennie*

    My husband lost his job of 10 years yesterday. This has always been my biggest fear, because I am so afraid of financial insecurity, but I think I am doing ok. He seems to be handling it really well so far. He was laid off with several months of severance, so I feel ok about our financial situation and his ability to find work.

    I was laid off a year ago and it has been really hard on my self-esteem, even though I have a great new job now (but it is only a contract, still looking for permanent work). I’m glad I have the perspective to know how he feels and the experience to help him find new work. Maybe it’ll turn out to be a good thing.

    1. Scaramouche Scaramouche*

      Sorry to hear that. He’s lucky to have a supportive spouse who knows what it feels like. Hope that he finds a great new job soon and are gentle with yourselves in this period.

      1. Artemesia*

        my daughter and SIL were both out of work at the same time and it is pretty scary but they both have great jobs and are doing much better in terms of pay and enjoyment of the work than in their old jobs with failing companies. Hope you have the same good fortune.

  89. Antti*

    Welp. I’ve been with Alison mostly as far as Boss’ Day goes. And yet, somehow I ended up being the one in charge of collecting money for a gift card for our boss. (I know why, it’s because it’s a small gift and because our team lead is such a genuinely nice person and it’s hard to say no to her especially just on principle, and because nobody seems to be objecting.)

    So I’ve just been trying to remember all the things that’ve ever been suggested here for this kind of thing. I’ve just been very “if you want to contribute [if you don’t want to, I am not going to hound you about it]” and I’ve made it clear that we are only looking for $1-$2 from anyone who wants to go in on it. And, I’ve only brought it up twice, once after the full team email thread last week and then once more this week, will probably just do one more on Monday “hey, I’m going to get the card this afternoon, if you want to contribute and haven’t yet I need it by XX:XXpm”. Just trying to be as unobtrusive and opt-in as I practically can here and hoping that that’s actually how this goes.

    Maybe I should speak up next year, but now that we’re establishing a precedent…

      1. valentine*

        Two was too many contacts about this. I hope you can say no next time, but if you do it again, offer people the chance to opt out in future or, better yet, make it opt-in-only to even receive the request.

  90. seller of teapots*

    Guys, I could use advice on a technically challenged new hire.

    I manage a team of 30 (which is too many, but it is what it is) at a start-up like company. I say start-up like because the company was bought and re-launched just 2 years ago, has only 60 employees, and has no HR or IT. My team is all sales folks, all remote and in-the field.

    We aren’t a tech company, but our product has many technical components. Our customers aren’t always tech-savvy, so things are built to be pretty user friendly.

    And one of my new hires is so completely lost. He’s been here almost a month and he still can’t figure out google meet for our conference calls. I’m not confident at all in his ability to use our system to even send out samples of the product. I think he’s also struggling to understand our business model (i.e how a customer may acquire our product, where up-sell opportunities are) because they overlap with technical components.

    He’s one of 15 new-hires, so my availability is somewhat limited in the support I can offer each individual. But, even more so, I do not have experience or skill-set or the bandwidth to help someone figure out what browser they are using. I’ve tried setting him up with our customer service team, but he hasn’t utilized them yet.

    What do I do?!

    1. The Ginger Ginger*

      First – has he really received all the resources he needs to figure this out for himself? Is there adequate training material on the processes and tools he seems unclear on? If not, do you have an employee who’s got a grasp on these things who could be ask to produce it?

      If he really does have everything he needs to be getting on with things, I think you need to impress on him that these are key parts of his role, and he needs to use the resources you’ve provided to get up to speed. Maybe give him a high level fact sheet that addresses the questions he’s asked so far and lists where he should go for additional questions in the same vein, if you have the bandwidth, but then let him know that he’s responsible for getting the info from customer service/IT/google/wherever makes sense unless he is really, really stuck. When he asks you questions, redirect him to the resource instead of answering it for him. “What did customer service say?” “Where have you looked for this so far.” etc.

      Basically, make yourself the least simple resource for getting his questions answered (not totally unavailable to him, but definitely not option 1). And ultimately, you may need to put him on notice that a certain amount of tech savvy is a job requirement. In future, you may want to have checks for this built into the interview process. (Initial interview with the same or similar software as you use in meetings. Ask interviewees how they would track down answers to certain types of questions, etc)

    2. Kathenus*

      Could you pair him up with a mentor for a certain amount of time to make sure he’s getting the training he needs, and to have a consistent set of eyes to help evaluate if he has the right skills for the job or not? I’m also a big believer in training checklists, so it’s clear what people need to learn, and that both they and the trainer check off when they’ve acquired/been taught each skill.

    3. NicoleK*

      If you keep him on, be prepared to do a lot of hand holding. My coworker (I’ve complained about her numerous times here) is very technically challenged. She can’t find emails, is constantly requesting for people to send her documents because she can’t find them in her Outlook or on her computer, can’t figure out how to print occasionally, has no clue when you tell to use x browser instead, needs help with x and y system, and etc. And she’s been here 6 years.

    4. Artemesia*

      You should be doing whatever it takes to fire this guy; he has demonstrated that he will always be more trouble than he is worth. At best, you should work with your boss on a no more than one month on-boarding training plan that will lead to dismissal if he isn’t up to speed. Someone who can’t do the job and more importantly doesn’t show initiative in getting himself up to speed will always be a time suck and unproductive. Don’t waste any more time.

  91. Rayne*

    Hi, I’m looking for opinions from people that work in computer programming.
    I’m thinking of potentially retraining and swapping careers (currently work in pharma) to become a computer programmer. I love logical, detailed, analytical, and organised work and I’m still looking for specific jobs that will give that to me. Would computer programming be a potential good fit?
    I’m also potentially concerned about working in a tech field as a young female – is it really as bad as it seems being a woman in a tech job?
    I would love to hear people’s opinions and experiences. Thank you!

    1. CM*

      I’d suggest learning programming on your own — there are lots of books and online programs (check out Khan Academy or Coursera for free online courses) and you can learn some basics in your spare time. See if you like it before making the decision to change course in your career. Logical, detailed, analytic, and organized is a good set of traits for a computer programmer.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      First of all, I think you shouldn’t necessarily limit yourself to just “computer programming.” There are lots of jobs that are in tech that involve “logical, detailed, analytical, and organised work” that aren’t actual programming (but still involve code). You could be a system administrator, a network administrator, a client platform engineer, a database admin, etc.

      It may be difficult to get a job in anything tech-related, though, if you don’t have experience or a relevant degree. If you’re not in a position (time-wise or money-wise) to get a degree, you can get some experience going to hackathons, participating in GitHub projects, and just creating your own stuff (apps, websites, etc.). Join a Linux Users Group, perhaps.

      As far as being a woman in tech… it can be horrible. The harassment stories are true. There’s a lot of bro culture. Not to say that every place will be like SoFi, but it’s rare to find a woman in tech who has faced no sexism. However, the work can be rewarding anyway, and there are men and women who are trying to change the bro culture in tech. Once you’re at a company, find a good support network. If there aren’t enough women at that company, you can even go to networking events and find women at other companies.

      1. ThursdaysGeek*

        I’ve usually worked at larger companies doing maintenance and development work on in-house systems, and there have often been a lot of women and I have rarely experienced sexism. In my current job, I think the balance is near 50/50 and a lot of us are geezers. So it doesn’t have to be horrible.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          If the gender balance is nearly 50/50, your company is certainly an outlier as far as tech companies go, statistically speaking. Glad to know places like that exist, but I don’t want to set Rayne up with unrealistic expectations of what she’s likely (but not definitely going) to encounter.

          1. ThursdaysGeek*

            But I’m not at a tech company – that’s part of my point. There are a lot of companies that do other work, but have in-house programmers too. Right now I’m working at a utility. But I’ve worked at a government contractor (50/50ish), small medical manufacturer (mostly guys, no sexism), corporate farm (all guys, there was one incident with management), city government (50/50ish), testing laboratory (mostly guys, no sexism). Be open to the non-tech companies.

            1. Anonymous Educator*

              Oh, sorry! Missed that part. Yes, I think Daughter of Ada and Grace mentioned below that as a good way to go.

    3. gecko*

      Programming is fun! It is very possible to have a good time in the field as a young woman.

      That said, my perception is that it’s tough to break into the top level of the field without having gone to college for computer science, or having a publically-available body of work. And it’d be even tougher as a woman to do so, because you don’t get even the instant baseline trust that you know what you’re doing. So getting in on a Silicon Valley company, or possibly even engineering in a software-development-focused company, may be very very difficult. Boot camps are not given a ton of credit and there’s still a lot of racism/sexism/classism/ageism in hiring.

      BUT there are plenty of other jobs that aren’t dedicated engineering in a software company. I know a person, for instance, who got hired by a real estate company to work on their internal application. AND programming is really fun. Just be very cautious when A) trying to find a retraining program and B) scoping out your job prospects.

    4. SarahKay*

      So hopefully this is useful advice, although it’s not about computer programming…. but have you considered accountancy? I ask, because I share your love of logical, detailed, analytical, and organised work, and accounting is what I do now.
      My mum actually recommended it to me (for similar reasons that I’m suggesting it to you) and I started out by just doing a ten hour course on Manual book-keeping, which cost £100 (approx $130). I figured this would give me a feel for if it was something I wanted to do, without me making a *huge* investment in time or money. And it turned out that YES, I wanted to do it; I absolutely loved (and love) it.
      It has the advantage of being very scale-able, depending on what suits you – you could be self-employed doing the books for local businesses, all the way up to working for one of the Big Four accountancy firms, and should be significantly less prone to bro-culture than tech fields sound like they can be sometimes.

      1. Rayne*

        Actually, I am considering it! It definitely is on the table of things I am looking at. I plan on essentially doing the same as you and checking at a short course to see if it’s something I enjoy doing

        1. SarahKay*

          So glad it might be useful advice, and I hope you enjoy it. Double-entry book-keeping is just so clever; I am totally in love with the way everything fits together from just a couple of basic rules.

    6. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

      Female software developer here. I’d say that programming is a potential good fit, but so are several other tech roles. With that skill set, I’d also include database administrator, data analyst, and quality assurance (especially if you’re the sort of person who always breaks things in weird ways).

      The trait you didn’t list that I’d say is most helpful in this role is curiosity. I have described my job as “getting paid to solve puzzles”. If you want to be analyzing the same details on a regular basis, I’d suggest one of the data roles rather than the programming roles.

      I agree with what other people said about learning some programming on your own before you commit to retraining. Free courses if you learn well that way, or look at some local volunteer organizations to see if any of them offer free/low-cost courses. Local to me, Women Who Code and Girl Develop It are both good sources, as are local Python communities.

      Where I’m located, developers are in enough demand that a two-year degree counts as the relevant degree. My company’s latest posting for junior developers also included successfully completing a technical boot camp as a valid educational credential, but not all boot camps are created equal.

      As a woman in tech, I’ve dealt with more sexism out of my job than in it. That is, I’ve been more likely to run into sexists when I’m interviewing, or at conferences, or talking to random people about my job. However, I also stay away from the startup scene. There are lots of tech jobs at companies that are not tech-first. That means I target established companies in finance, medicine, retail, logistics, etc. when I’m job searching, rather than Google, Apple, Amazon, or the next hot startup. Basically, companies that are big enough to have a financial motivation to crack down on the worst offenders.

      That said, having a supportive group of women in tech you can talk to about all the non-technical challenges you face is really beneficial. For me, that’s the local Women Who Code chapter, and the national Women Techmakers organization. There are others as well (Girl Develop It and Systers come to mind).

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Great answer stated better than I could. I am not a compute programmer.

        I think being a programmer is at least sort of creativity to go along with that curiosity. You’re creating solutions and writing code. If you’re hoping for something that has clear checklist of do this, do that, done, then programming may not be for you because a programmer is sometimes, at least, out on their own to solve the problem.

        I work for the government. Our programmers tend to be men, but the software quality assurance analysts and business, requirements, and functional analysts all tend to skew female. I agree with others have said; the tech, venture capitalist companies skew young, male, and bro-ish culture, but there’s lots of programming jobs outside those companies.

    7. Windchime*

      I’m a woman who is a programmer/developer, and I’ve never felt it to be a problem at all. I’ve always worked in IT shops for healthcare organizations, and that seems to trend a little older so the “bro” culture isn’t really a thing–I wouldn’t want to work in a start up where there are Nerf missiles flying around.

      For reference, I’ve done application development but right now I’m focusing mostly on SQL. I love it. I made the change when I was about 40 years old and now I’m 57 and still going strong. Take some classes and see if you like it; I knew right away that I would love it and I was right. Good luck!

  92. KatieKate*

    How you you temper expectations from “we’re really excited about you but we’re not sure if we’ll even have the budget for this position now?” They said they’d know in a few days if they’re able to hire right now, and it was a relief to know they were interested, but I really, really want the formal offer. Fingers crossed!!!

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      Oh dear, to be honest if I heard that, I’d pretty much have to assume it’s a no go and hope to be pleasantly surprised. Maybe it’s comforting to remind yourself you don’t want to be hired on with a place that’s not prepared for your position – you don’t a place that’s scraping together the budget and trying to figure out the scope of work / authorities / reporting structure. How are they going to give you a big raise at the end of the year if they don’t even have the budget to hire? But I hope I’m wrong and that it works out for you and is awesome!!

  93. Susan Calvin*

    Dearest commentariat, please share with me your best mantras/breathing exercises/visualizations/over the counter medication for when you’re annoyed at everything and in particular your own short fuse. I haven’t spectacularly blown up yet (and don’t expect to) but I’m pretty frequently cranky and slightly snappish with people I feel are wasting my time, which is neither a good look, nor particularly helpful to anyone.

    Any suggestions? Swallowing approximately 1 “I *just* explained that, get with the program” per any given half hour of meeting can’t be healthy…

    1. Scaramouche Scaramouche*

      I totally sympathize! I read something recently that talked about what resources you have to draw from. Since controlling your short fuse takes energy, think about what kind of energy it takes. Are you more likely to snap at people if you’re hungry? Low on sleep? If you haven’t been getting enough exercise? Since you can’t control other people’s nonsense, think about what is in your control – the reserves you are pulling from. And if it’s a daily problem, there may be some major changes you need to make. But if you can identify patterns, that might help in itself: Ok, Suzie is REALLY getting on my nerves and I want to tell her she should’ve listened the first 3 times I said that. But I also skipped breakfast this morning so that’s probably making me grouchy, so I won’t react right now because I’m not as well equipped as I’d like to be to respond.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        I have a personal mantra “everybody, including me, is doing the best that we can.” I use it just about every hour on the hour along with deep breathing. It reminds me that people who may not seem to be giving their best efforts are probably struggling with many other challenges in and out of the workplace.

    3. Curious Cat*

      Honestly breathing deeply in through the nose, out through the mouth helps me in any situation where I’m stressed or just need a minute to myself! Count it out in your head as you go: In: 1-2-3-4-5-6, Out 1-2-3-4-5-6. Repeat as often as necessary.

      Also picturing what fun things you’ll be doing that evening/weekend. Looking at a picture of your adorable cat/dog/lizard on your desk. Listening to some soothing playlists on Spotify.

  94. Little Bean*

    Does it reflect poorly on me if my employees are late to meetings? I am a new manager, and just started managing this team about 2 months ago. I have 2 direct reports, one who is a recent grad and pretty new to the workforce herself and one who is a seasoned employee with 10+ years in our organization. We are all exempt and schedules are pretty lax at our organization, so I generally don’t care when they come in as long as they are here for scheduled meetings, and work is getting done. However, there have been several instances where one of them was late to a morning meeting and it’s usually pretty clear that they are just arriving at work. In one case, it was a 10am meeting. In another case, it was an 8:30am meeting but I was asked to introduce my team at the beginning and one of my employees was missing – she showed up probably 15-20 minutes late, due to traffic. We’re not a super punctual organization so it’s not really out of the ordinary for people to be running late to things in general. It’s also not a pattern – yet – but it has happened more than once in only a couple of months. Is this something I should be talking to them about?

    1. NicoleK*

      My coworker routinely misses meetings and shows up late to meetings 80% of the time. I don’t know if our boss has ever addressed it with her. I do feel that our boss is largely ineffective (due to this and a host of other problems)

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I think it mainly reflects badly on them, not you. That said, since they are your direct reports, you are in a position to find out why they were late and stress to them the importance of being on time for meetings like that. Some people who are chronically tardy have a very difficult time being on time regularly, but for once-in-a-while really important things can have the straws to make it work, so you may just want to stress to them how important being on time to meeting X or meeting Y is, even if, on a regular work day, they may come in later.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        I have flagged for certain colleagues which higher-ups care a lot about timeliness (sometimes to an irrational degree). You can’t make tardy people suddenly show up on time, but you can help them prioritize when to put in the most effort.

    3. gecko*

      Yes, probably you should talk to them. Something that reflects poorly on your employees will certainly reflect poorly on you. (Plus as a courtesy to your employees you probably should let them know when they’re doing stuff that someone will have a problem with.)

      Doesn’t need to be intense, but a good reminder to everyone at large and personal reminders to the recent offenders would make sense!

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Yes, talk to them. If you’ve only been managing them for a couple of months and they’ve been late to various scheduled meetings multiple times already, it is a pattern. It shows that they aren’t taking start times seriously, and they need to where meetings are concerned.

        I say this as a chronically late-arriving person (with permission to have flexible arrival hours), but as someone who rarely is late to any meeting, even early morning meetings. Flexible arrival time is a perk, being late to a meeting can be disrespectful of others’ time, especially if it’s relevant for you to be there (presenting, being introduced, etc).

        1. Artemesia*

          This. You will look like an ineffectual manager if your people are wandering in late to important meetings; it is a real embarrassment to you as leader if you are supposed to introduce them at the beginning of a meeting and they do this. I would have a CTJ meeting with each of them individually and make it clear that there are times when they need to be there and that they should aim to be there by 8 for the 8:30 meeting and not embarrassment themselves and you again by strolling in late.

    4. Kathenus*

      It depends on your culture, but it certainly could reflect on you and them. Them for being late, and if it’s happening regularly you for not dealing with the issue. My boss has a definite thing about punctuality for meetings, and I’ve talked with my managers about it so they know that these meetings are important to be at on time, or to let me know if they won’t be – so I can answer the inevitable question from my boss ‘is so and so coming?’

    5. BRR*

      I think it can reflect on you if it’s a known issue and common issue. Most of my coworkers are super lax about time and scheduling and it sometimes has caused problems. I’m thinking of one in particular who is the worst offender and their manager knows it’s an issue and I think of it like any other performance issue that affects others.

      Also I think this is a super interesting question!

    6. valentine*

      Yes & yes. I would say they need to be there 10 minutes early, especially if there is seating outside the room. (Please put seating outside the room if there is a prior meeting in there.) Once they can be early, I would find it okay for them to rarely be maybe two minutes late and never more than five minutes late or the last person in.

  95. D*

    I work for very large company, I am part of a department that reviews the teapot companies suppliers. Our department is fairly large we have 1 main manager and 4 team leads.
    I have been honest about my job search the last few months because my lead and I had a great relationship.
    I was trying to stay internal but there are very few options available so I will probably be leaving the company.
    The last few weeks my lead has become cold, and almost angry towards me. I am known for having a good personality even if I have a dry humor.
    On my monthly review even though my numbers were in the norm she was rather harsh, even going as far as saying I need to work on my personality and focus on my work. Usually she remarks that I’m always got a good attitude.
    Next week her boss the manager is having a 1 on 1 with everyone in the department, these are typically done in a group session to air out any issues. How much should I tell the manager about the issues I’m having with the lead?

    1. CAA*

      I’m confused is it a 1-on-1, which means just you and the manager, or a group session where multiple people at your level will be there? If there are other people there, you should not complain about your team lead or your individual review. You might bring up that there seems to be a crackdown on humor in the workplace and you are wondering if that’s coming from higher up.

      1. D*

        Normally it’s an entire team minus the supervisor, this time each person will get to speak with the manager alone.

        1. WellRed*

          Well, I think this is the better way of doing it rather than a group session. However, since it’s different for your work, maybe he has some concerns about her and feels this is a better way to get more candid information?

    2. ..Kat..*

      I recommend asking your lead for examples – what she did not like, what to do instead. If she can not give examples, then bring it up to her boss.

      1. ..Kat..*

        And, when you get a review like this, it is good to cut down on the joking – especially dry humor, which is easily misunderstood/misinterpreted.

  96. Anon anony*

    Has anyone ever worked in an office where it was very joke-y, like everything had to be delivered in a very light way. I’m more serious (when discussing work) and this seems to make them nervous. Turnover is high, so maybe that is why? But otherwise there are some issues that have to be addressed in a more serious tone, so it can’t be all fun and games all of the time. Any advice?

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      Is this like gallows humor? We had that culture at my last job, and it was weird for newcomers, but helped the staff manage stress and burnout. It took me a little time to catch up with the style but now I have to consciously *not* do it at my new job. It helped me to remember that it actually did have a stress-relieving / team bonding function, it wasn’t just wasting time.

    2. Alianora*

      Not the whole office, but I’ve definitely worked with people who are jokier than me. I tend to come across as very serious (something about my face and tone of voice?), and it makes some people uncomfortable. I’ve had the best results when I consciously throw in a joke or two early on with them and try to smile more, but mostly just act like myself. People tend to warm up after working with me for a while.

      Does the joking bother you?

  97. TwoJobOpenings*

    I just applied for Senior Llama Wrangler at X Company. After I submitted my application, I noticed there is also an opening for Junior Llama Wrangler in the same department. Should I also submit my application for the junior role? I believe I’m qualified for the senior position, but I would be open to the junior position as well. The job descriptions are very similar. If I apply for the other position, can I essentially copy/paste my cover letter?

    1. CAA*

      No, you should not apply for both a Jr and Sr position in the same department if you believe you’re qualified for the Sr role. It comes across as pretty desperate or as if you don’t think you’re really capable of the Sr work. If the hiring manager thinks that you’re not qualified for the Sr role, she *should* consider you for the Jr role or at least forward your application to the person who is hiring for that role. That doesn’t mean things will always happen this way, but that’s what should happen if the hiring manager is looking out for the best interests of her employer.

  98. Nant*

    Hi all,

    This is related to a question I asked a few months ago. I applied for a translation job in August with Recruiter #1 that I suspected was the same job I had applied for with Recruiter #2. I never heard back from Recruiter #2, and Recruiter #1 contacted me to say that there were stronger candidates and I was not successful.

    This morning, Recruiter #2 got in touch. It turns out their agency had never sent my CV on to the company, due to a team member that was later fired. They told me the role was still open, since many of the candidates they’d interviewed had been interested in using the role to get into other parts of the company. I said I’d still be interested in applying, and the recruiter sent over the job specification.

    My suspicions were correct – this is the same role I was rejected for back in August. Do I still ask the recruiter to pass on my CV, or should I let them know I was rejected for this role earlier?

    1. Combinatorialist*

      Did Recruiter #1 reject you or did the company? If the former, I think it is fine to say nothing. If the latter, I would say that you are still interested in the position but your CV was forwarded before/you had an interview/whatever and they decided they had stronger candidates

  99. Annie Oakley*

    One of my coworkers regularly complains about problems her predecessor made before she arrived! It’s mostly about disorganized files and incomplete reports. When she first arrived, I was sympathetic. The team offered help her re-organize the files, but she wouldn’t accept help and said she was the only one who could fix it. Now it’s been 7 months. These problems – if they existed – should have been fixed by this point. I’m starting to think she’s just using this as a way to show her own value. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. Even though I’m not her direct manager, I’ve addressed it with her directly twice. She insists that the problems persist and makes her job harder, but still refuses to accept any help to fix it. What now? Her manager isn’t addressing it directly and most of the team has taken to just ignoring her. Like I said, I’m sick of hearing it in Every. Single. Meeting.

    1. Kathenus*

      Don’t feed her. I’d do the same as the team and ignore it. Internal eye roll and move on. Don’t let her have that control over you to affect your mood. You could also play a silent game of coworker bingo or a (coffee) drinking game – every time she mentions it take a sip of your coffee and wish it was something else, or pretend you were filling in an annoying statement bingo card. You can’t change her, just how you react, so try to have fun with it.

  100. Salad*

    I just started a new job and we are expected to track time in 10ths if an hour. AKA 6 minutes. This is crazy right?! What project should I charge when I have a slightly long trip to the bathroom?! Seriously people.

    1. Curious Cat*

      Whoa! Yeah that’s a crazy short amount of time to be tracking. I had an old job where we tracked in 15-minute increments, but 6 minutes is insane! I feel like I would spend half my day just making sure everything was tracked out every 6 minutes. I’m so curious as to why that’s the policy.

    2. Anon From Here*

      This is par for the course, so to speak, in lawyering. (I’m a lawyer.) The hardest part is getting into the habit of writing down everything.

      If you can’t do it actually as you’re working, try to catch up every couple of hours, or at the end of the day at the very least. You will die if you wait until the end of the billing period and try to re-create everything you did.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        My old lawyer boss kept a printed out table of his projects next to him at his desk and just used tally marks every ten minutes. It’s only an estimate anyway IIRC.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yeah, that sounds normal to me. I’m not a lawyer but I have a bunch of lawyer friends, and I once had to track time in 15 minute increments, and they thought I was lucky because it wasn’t 6 minutes.

    3. CatCat*

      I used to do this. It’s not unusual in my field. I would print out a sheet of paper each day (I think there are planners organized like this too) and literally just write what I was doing as I went into the time slots. This worked best for me and is not as tedious as it sounds once you’re in the habit.

      I had one place that liked to track the wholllle day (regardless of whether the whole day could be attributed to client work). There were categories for overhead/admin. There was also a category literally that existed for the sole purpose of making the day equal at least 8 hours. So that was handy.

    4. Owlette*

      Yeah, this isn’t unusual at all. Does your employer actually require you to bill time for bathroom or lunch breaks? Usually firms like that don’t want you to actually bill personal time like that, but even if yours does, then there’s probably an “admin” category you can just use instead.

      Billing in those 6min increments ensures you don’t overcharge the client, so I like it.

      1. Salad*

        I don’t bill for lunch, if I take a lunch break it is unpaid. By asking do I bill for bathroom breaks, are you asking if I exclude that time on my timecard? No, I have to work at least 8 hours each day and I mean I’m not going to stay late if I have to use the restroom a lot one day so I guess I would just roll it into whatever project I’m working at the time.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      Two of my previous companies (not law firms) had that kind of incremental time tracking. We did not have to document any break times, it was basically constructed as X hours on project A, Y hours on project B, and Z hours on project C, (or overhead, sick leave, or vacation) totaling 8 hours/day. There was a certain amount of ‘slush’ (up to 29 min at a time IIRC) built into the system that covered break times and non-specifically funded work (e.g. answering questions for other people on a project without a budget for you, short meeting with manager, etc) – those were absorbed into other categories. Almost always a project code would be provided for any meetings, and usually a time allotment too (e.g. charge 1 hour to project A for attending the kick-off meeting). As far as I know, most people rounded to the nearest X.0 or X.5 for time on each project, unless they were down to the wire on a project budget.

    6. Salad*

      Wow I’m surprised at all the responses that say this is normal! I guess it makes sense for lawyers, but I work for a defense contractor, have for my whole career, and have never seen this. I am in a salaried position but we obviously bill the government, hence the tracking.

      1. Close Bracket*

        When I worked for a defense contractor, we had to charge in half hour increments. That was a problem for somethings bc sometimes I would do something that didn’t take an entire half hour. Or, I would do an overhead task that affected multiple programs that only took a half hour. I didn’t have an overhead number, so I had to figure out which program I wanted to charge that time to. Honestly, being able to charge in 6 min increments would have made my life much simpler.

    7. Close Bracket*

      That’s been the case for me a couple times. One time, we used time cards that rounded for you. I gamed the system by figuring out that if I clocked in 2 min early, I got paid for clocking in 6 min early. Yes, reader, I regularly stole 4 min from my employer.

      Even better was the place where I manually filled out my time card, and nobody told me about the 10ths of hours. I charged my time in whatever fractional hours were accurate. Ie, if I got in a 8:00 and left at 12:47, I charged 4 47/60 hours, rounded to two significant figures. Eventually payroll contacted me and filled me in.

      Neither of those places made me clock out to use the restroom. In those hourly days, pooping on company time was one of my greatest pleasures.

    8. Ender Wiggin*

      I used to add up all my non-project time for the day (incl bathroom breaks) and split it across the projects I worked on for the day. Eg if I had 4 hours on project A, 2 on project B, and 3 on non-project/multi-peoject, I would Bill 6 hours on A and 3 on B.

    9. Book Badger*

      Backing up the people who say this is normal in the legal field. Does your company have a tracker or timer you can turn on and off? There’s lots of apps and whatnot that create stopwatches (some can even have multiple watches, one for each project) to track time. I found it obnoxious as first but it gets easier over time.

      Not counting lunch/bathroom breaks is bizarre, though. Time tracking like that is used for billing (as in, my time that I spent researching gets passed on to the client). Lawyers are paid salary, not hourly – billables go to the firm.

    10. Jaid_Diah*

      My Federal job has me tracking time like that sometimes. Most of my fellow employees will have one program plus breaks and time sheet filling for the day (straight CSR time for them). Me, I’m paper, but I work maybe six or seven types of programs. So if I work on one case for one program and then twenty for another program, I’m not gonna take .3 (fifteen minutes) for the one case I closed in five minutes (.1).
      As for bathroom breaks, I just incorporate them into the work.
      I hear the phone people have to indicate why they aren’t on the phone, so have an actual bathroom break code on there. Thank goodness I’m not monitored like that!

  101. Thany*

    I started the current job I have now last November. It’s been a steep learning curve for me. This is first well funded non profit I’ve worked for, and the certification process for my role takes a whole year. I’ve passed my ongoing tests, but my boss is still disappointed with my productivity. I feel like I was on track last month, but recently went through a very difficult move. My boss met with me yesterday and said that I haven’t accomplished my goals we set at my 6 month review. She says she’ll have to talk to HR to discuss next steps. I’m not sure how to improve productivity. My role is a combination of admin duties (our admin recently got promoted), interviewing potential clients, and client case work (which I am very slow in doing and what I continue to struggle in). I’m not sure if it’s my time management or if this isn’t the right role for me. Any advice is appreciated!

    1. Dr. Anonymous*

      What slows you down with client case work? Can you shadow someone who’s more productive for a couple of hours to see what they do that works better? Can you go through your process with your boss and try to identify places you can streamline? Are there particular decisions that you just overthink? Are you spending too much time talking to clients?

      I think the best way to figure out if it’s time management is to take a close look at how you manage your time. Take a breather to really look and go back to your manager with your thoughts and what specific help you need. A good manager should be reassured that you’re thinking it through and working on solutions. Otherwise they’ll think you just don’t get how serious it is.

  102. Rasputina*

    Advice for wading into an office romance? It’s a big company and we’re nowhere near the same chain of command.

    1. gecko*

      Figure out explicitly how you want to interact at work. Wave hello? No chatting through workplace channels? Eat lunch together, or no? I very rarely interacted in the workplace with my now-fiance for the two years that we worked together. It worked for us, but it was something we’d figured out.

      1. Artemesia*

        When you start to date discuss your exit plans if things don’t go at some point. How will you manage a break up in the workplace. If you are both comfortable with that scenario then you are good to go. And no casual observer should be aware you are dating; keep all personal stuff out of the workplace.

    2. Anono-me*

      1. Find out what the applicable workplace romance rules are at your company.
      2. Be prepared for other people to be weird, gossipy, and nosey about it. (Some people never really left JR High.)

      I hope everything goes well.

  103. discarvard*

    I realize the timing of this thread is not well placed for my target audience, but: Anyone on AAM with advice for an American seeking contract work in New Zealand? I’ve just been approved for a Working Holiday visa which allows me to accept contracts of up to one year. I’m looking for work as a junior web developer, or something closely related. I am getting the sense that the WHV is more closely suited to things like bartending, but I prepped a NZ-style CV (or what the government website told me one was, anyway!) and sent it to some placement agencies and am looking at contract positions. Is it going to doom me forever if I wait until I have an offer before relocating? Advice much appreciated, from Kiwis or anyone who’s done something comparable!

    1. Sc@rlettNZ*

      I’m a kiwi (and was a recruiter many moons ago). I think you will struggle to get an offer without actually being here in NZ. The working holiday visa is generally used by people who are coming to NZ and want to work for a bit and then travel. Typically the majority of people would be working in hospitality, fruit picking, or other jobs of a more temporary nature (like office temps). I don’t have enough knowledge of the market to say if you would be likely to pick up a web developer position on a one year working holiday visa or not (I suspect not), but regardless, you would really need to be in the country.

      1. discarvard*

        That’s good to know. In that case, my current workplace is sufficiently toxic that if time runs short before the visa expires I may just pack up and go. I know I shouldn’t be overly concerned about burning bridges in a bad environment, but they’re surprisingly positive about people who quit for a a “cool opportunity”, so if I can spin it right, I’ll be able to hang on to what should be some pretty good references. Thank you so much for chiming in!

        1. Sc@rlettNZ*

          If you can afford it – come anyway. Do something different for a year – travel around and pick up casual work to keep a few $ coming in. You’ll have a blast and if, as you say, you can get good references from your current employer, you can always go back to your career afterwards. Perhaps employers in the US are different, but here in NZ, nobody would think twice about someone who resigned their job to travel (mind you, kiwis are renowned for our love of travel and an OE is practically compulsory lol). All the best, I hope you do take a chance and come out and enjoy our beautiful country.

          1. discarvard*

            I’m increasingly looking at doing exactly that! My boss just made some very vague comments about giving me a raise, so I may want to stick it out here for a few more months and save all the difference from my current salary in a travel fund. I did just have a recruiter flat out say they wouldn’t work with me remotely but suggested I travel to NZ and then contact them again after I arrive. Seems like a consensus is developing. Thanks for the encouragement!

    2. Kiwi*

      I’m a Kiwi and I’m not sure if you’d have to be in NZ, but it’d certainly help, especially for more junior work. There are short-term jobs available but competition will be pretty steep. And they’re likely to want you to start ASAP so it depends how long it’d take you to get here. A week or two, okay. A month or two, nope.

      Have you checked out the main NZ job boards? They’re Seek and Trademe:

      https://www.seek.co.nz/web-developer-jobs?worktype=244%2C245
      https://www.trademe.co.nz/browse/categoryattributesearchresults.aspx?144=-1&144=200000&142=CT&153=web+developer&search=1&sidebar=1&cid=5000&rptpath=5000-

      There are a few recruitment agencies that specialise in IT jobs too, if you haven’t already tracked them down, you’d be able to figure out which from those job boards.

      Good luck!

      1. discarvard*

        Thank you! I’ve been looking around Seek and Trademe. I have definitely noticed the “start ASAP” requirement. I also corresponded with an IT specific recruiter who told me to arrive first and then get back in touch with them. This is all very daunting – I was anxious enough when I quit a job to search locally several years ago! But as mentioned above in my reply to Sc@rlettNZ, it’s increasingly looking like “quit your job, buy a ticket and pack a suitcase” is the best way to go!

  104. Fabulous*

    How do you avoid getting frustrated at coworkers who routinely forget things, or asks the same questions repeatedly?

    My coworker Donna has been with the company a lot longer than I have. She’s in a different position than me though not necessarily higher on the totem pole – think llama analyst vs. llama coach. As an analyst, I create a list of llama coaching assignments at the beginning of every month, but the assignments can’t be completed until a llama ranking comes out because each llama is assigned a # of coaching sessions based on where they fall in the rank. Meanwhile, I send out a coaching template prior to the first the month so coaches can at least start tracking what the llamas accomplish until the rank is released. This process has been in effect for about 4 months.

    Last month, Donna asks me how does she know how many sessions a llama needs. I explained (again) how the assignments are based on the rankings. This was news to her. A few days later she follows up asking how she knows whether she hit her goal. Again, I directed her to the assignments. A few days later she asks how does she know what’s assigned. Again, I direct her to the assignments specifically stating the times I’ve sent them to her as well as the location they are posted on our shared drive.

    Now, in the first 10 business days of October she’s already asked:
    –When are you sending out the assignments? (after the rankings are released)
    –Am I going to get a template? (sent it to you last week)
    –Can you send the template with our assignments? (no, the assignments can’t be done until the rank is released)
    –Have the assignments been done yet? (have the rankings been released yet? no)
    –How do I know how many sessions a llama needs? (look at the assignments I sent out 2 days ago)
    –Where are the assignments? (sent them out last week and also same place as last month on the shared drive)

    Needless to say, I’m frustrated. Even my manager has noticed she’s been exceptionally flighty. Donna copies our manager on nearly all emails to me, claiming I never explained the things to her, when manager knows I have explained the process clearly multiple times as she has been on half of those phone calls.

    I don’t know where to go from here. Every interaction I have with Donna raises my blood pressure and makes me want to scream. Manager knows my frustrations and I think she has frustrations and concerns of her own as well, as she mentioned it on a 1:1 call last week. I assume she’s talked to Donna about it, but I don’t know for sure.

    1. NicoleK*

      You have my sympathy. I, too, work with a “Donna”. Hopefully you have an effective boss who is willing to take action. I don’t. So I’ve been focusing on accepting that it will never change.

    2. Kathenus*

      As long as you keep your manager informed (not every little annoyance, but the big picture), and let her know how you’re handling things with Donna and that she should let you know if she thinks you need to do things differently, you’re covered. It sounds like your manager has your back, so just keep doing your job and try to let Donna’s antics roll off your back since you can’t change her. The only more concrete idea I have is a checklist or flow chart for Donna, in writing, so that when she keeps asking the questions you don’t answer them other than directing her back to the process documentation that you’ve already given her.

    3. BRR*

      *Screams* I’ve worked with several Donnas. My method has been to document things in writing. “I will email the instructions out after this phone call.” Then I point to that. “Have you checked the email I sent/shared drive?” You can also turn it around on them. Ask them how they would prefer to get the information. Lastly, you might be able to raise this with your manager since she’s involved with all of this anyways.

    4. Fabulous*

      Another gripe about “Donna” … IM’s me:

      “Hi Fabulous”
      … me waiting …
      …
      …
      …
      … ugh I hope she’s not waiting for me to reply …
      … JUST ASK THE DANG QUESTION ALREADY!

      1. Close Bracket*

        So at this point you know the pattern. You also know that the pattern isn’t going to change. So you get to choose your options 1) keep waiting for her to ask knowing she is not going to 2) do something different.

        As to the rest,

        “I assume she’s talked to Donna about it, but I don’t know for sure.”

        Well, have you asked? I see a pattern of you not saying things here. You need to start saying things. Start by asking your manager whether she has talked to Donna. Ask whether she has any suggestions for you. Next, talk to Donna. Say you have noticed that she asks a lot of questions that you have already pointed her to the answers for and ask whether there is something you could do differently to help her remember where to look for answers. When she does ask questions, ask whether she has already checked X (X being last week’s email, the shared drive, whatever). Stop answering her questions and instead tell her where to find the answers herself. Go to her desk and walk her through looking things up for a while if necessary. Keep your manager in the loop as to what tactics you are using to CYA when Donna complains to her that you aren’t being helpful.

        With the IMs, tell her in person that you would prefer she just ask her question from the get go. If she continues not to, start replying, since she seems to be waiting for one.

        Set aside wishing that she would not be who she is. That is a wish that will never be fulfilled, so start responding to the person she is, not the person you wish she would be.

    5. BluntBunny*

      Could you send a FAQs list to everyone by email. Is this process you using documented as in could you refer to people to read the guideline instead of detailing it in emails. There might be other people that are confused, maybe write up or have a PowerPoint of step by step guide of what’s happening and what is required that shared on your companies drive or better yet placed on her desk. A drop in session maybe be useful people could feedback on the process or have a one on one meeting with Donna she may require hand holding through the process. If you have outlook you can send the key dates as events so it’s in everyone’s calendar so they will see October 12th assignements will be released etc.

      1. valentine*

        Let it be Donna’s problem. Don’t be her personal wiki. If your manager wants you to keep answering, however, compile your answers into a Donna FAQ email template, tell her about it, and send it each time, with no further text. I might also go and, with a smile, afix the FAQ to the wall above Donna’s desk or have it printed on a mousepad.

  105. Rachel*

    I work for a small company on a team of 5 including myself. Lately my team lead has been really busy and unable to help out with a lot of our daily tasks. I understand this and know she has a heavy workload. My teammates however have started dumping the majority of the work onto me regardless of how busy we are. I can work all day and our work is still not done but instead of helping out my team will call it a day. This leaves me with a mountain of work the next day. It’s hard to explain our dynamics but two of my teammates are part-time and seem to think they can choose what work they do because of it. They come in, work for a few hours on ‘easy’ projects, seeing help is needed elsewhere yet will not do it. I am at my wits end. I have subtly asked my team lead about the dynamics and if there was any way to fix this but she was very vague and instead of confronting them will ask other members of the company (not on our team) to jump in and help me. I have a draft of an email to send to my boss but he is out sick today. I don’t know what to do. I’ve started crying (I leave my desk) at work because I have no support and the whole point of the teams was that things like this wouldn’t happen. I would appreciate any advice or ideas on how to bring this up to my boss without coming across as pointing fingers or blaming anyone else. Thanks.

    1. Kathenus*

      First of all stop being subtle with your team lead. Tell her about the problem and ask how she can help resolve it. If you have ideas how to do this (you are allowed to decline work from your coworkers, having more set assignments of who does what, etc.) then you can share these ideas as well. Second, take responsibility for your work in your workday, but don’t feel responsible for what doesn’t get done. Go home, relax, and come in the next morning and jump in again. You can only do as much as your workday allows, don’t take responsibility on your shoulders for more than that. But this really sounds like an issue you need to clearly lay out to your team lead and/or boss to have them give direction on and resolve.

    2. Ann O'Nemity*

      Alison has some really good scripts on this site about telling your boss you can’t accomplish everything. Something like, “I can do A, B, and C, but not D, E, and F. Is this the right way to prioritize?”

  106. Anonymousaurus Rex*

    Ugh, why does long-distance job searching have to be so hard?? I mean regular job searching is hard enough–but throw in a planned cross-country move and it’s really too much.

    Any tips for long distance job hunting success? So far I’m (truthfully) mentioning in my cover letter that I want to move to the area to be closer to family, but I still feel at a strong disadvantage being a long-distance candidate. I don’t understand how anyone ever moves with a job lined up!

    1. De Minimis*

      It’s hard. I really wanted to move out of my area, and nothing ever worked out. I was lucky in that I got a number of phone/internet interviews, but didn’t get any offers.

      What might work is to try an area where they may be struggling to fill jobs, but it sounds like you want to move to a certain place so that may not work out. I considered trying cities that I’d heard had hot job markets with few candidates, but in the end there’s usually a good reason when a city has trouble attracting professionals.

      1. Anonymousaurus Rex*

        Honestly, I just want to move some place closer than 1000 miles away from my nearest relatives–something within 4-6 hours driving distance. I have relatives all over the country, so I’m looking in multiple cities. How do you really hear about what areas have “hot” job markets? I think I’m suffering in part because I work in a pretty niche field, but I feel like I’m just not able to get any traction anywhere.

        I’m worried that I will have to just move without something lined up if I really want to do it, but that could be very very expensive and I would probably deplete my savings too quickly. (Not to mention, I don’t know how I would qualify for a mortgage or a lease without a job). I really just don’t understand how most people ever relocate!

        1. De Minimis*

          I can’t remember how I found out about it, but I saw that Omaha was an area where there were a lot of companies but where not a lot of people were moving. I think I just did a regular google search or something. I may have just looked for places with a lot of different employers. I think I was also looking at places with lower cost of living.

          I agree, moving without a job is a real gamble and it can be really tough if it doesn’t work out. I ended up just moving to a different city that was only an hour away from where I was before.

  107. Toast*

    Nervous Accountant’s posts above regarding good managers and how they handle frustrating situations with staff reminded me of questions I have as a new manager. My work is project based and some I have never encountered before. At times I won’t know what the project is about and how long it should take to complete but am still expected to respond to staff questions about the project and how to proceed. So, in those cases, how do you set clear expectations and goals when the project is new to you and you are not familiar with the material?

    Also, related to the above, how to you encourage staff ownership of projects when deadlines are near and the project is high stakes? Recently, I ended up swooping in too much in order to calm my own anxieties about meeting the deadline, particularly as the project was not familiar to me. I want to squash this tendency of mine before it becomes expected by staff.

    1. Combinatorialist*

      Is there someone in your company that does similar work? Because I would ask to meet with them 1-1 and get a better feel for the questions you are being asked and don’t know how to answer. Or you could ask your boss for guidance, if you have a good one

      1. Toast*

        Unfortunately, no one else at our org does what our team does. And when staff have questions I do get involved with the materials to the point where I can answer their questions but also do the work directly, which is the problem – I then take on more of the project than I should, particularly if the deadline is near. I know there are managers who are effective at managing without being the subject matter expert (I’ve read on here that that is common in IT) and so I was hoping to hear from folks in those types of situations. Thanks!

    2. Close Bracket*

      “At times I won’t know what the project is about and how long it should take to complete but am still expected to respond to staff questions about the project and how to proceed.”

      I can really only speak for myself, but as the direct report in this situation, I would appreciate candor regarding your lack of knowledge and a promise to get more information and share it with me as promptly as possible. And then follow up by getting that information and sharing it with me, bc if you don’t do that, whatever benefit of doubt I granted you from the get go would be destroyed.

  108. Catty*

    What’s up with all the scams on job boards? There are so many MLM/ door-to-door sales masquerading as actual jobs on there it makes me sick. There are also all of those “personal assistant” or “admin assistant” jobs that supposedly let you work remotely (what?) and are also scams. What scams have you encountered? And how do you avoid them and recognize them?

    1. Nant*

      I had a… kind of scam? It was a job posting from someone who wanted a ton of work for free.

      It was from someone my mother passed onto me who posted in our town group looking for translators. They initially said they wanted “one or two samples” before giving paid work. I spoke to the person (because quite frankly I’m desperate), and these “one or two samples” were actually “one or two projects”, one of which was the full translation of a small website. I pushed back, and said I could produce samples but not complete full projects for free. We had a bit of back and forth, before the recruiter admitted what they actually needed were translators who’d do work “pro bono” with the option to have “priority” on any paid work that turned up.

      Yeah, no. I declined.

      (My mother, however, was very angry that I didn’t sign up, and we had a shouting match over it.)

    2. Thany*

      I use the rule of thumb where if it sounds too good to be true…it usually is. Also if it’s vague on the actual job duties. I’ve gotten really good at spotting them after I once sat through a group presentation about selling insurance. They wanted me to pay them $1,000 in order to take their training class to sell their insurance. Yeah…I don’t think so.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Vagueness is key. I also wouldn’t trust anything commission based unless you are truly freelance or working for a traditional non-MLM-structured company. And anything where you put your own money up front – buying product to sell later, advancing some funds until you receive your first paycheck (most ‘personal assistant scams from what I gather), paying to have access to something like a job application, a “VIP-only” website, or special training.

        I always think it’s funny that when you are a part of the MLM, they are SO enthusiastic about the company, but recruiting is usually completely devoid of content about what the ‘job’ actually is. Probably because if they said “You’ll be responsible for buying a ton of product up front, also on a regular ongoing basis, and then selling the product and giving most of your commission to your upline while also talking people into becoming your downline so you can take their commission because that’s the only profit you’ll ever see, and that’ll almost certainly be nothing.”

        1. Catty*

          I remember at one interview they told me they have a training and one of the things they teach is “professionalism”. Hah

          And once when I realized I was at an interview for a piramyd scheme, I started asking the interviewer what will happen when so many people open their own companies and the market is saturated. He told me this is impossible because there will always be new customers because of the nature of the business (home improvement, yeah, sounds about right).

          I always report ads that look like scams or MLMs because I don’t want anyone wasting their time but many of them are legal and there’s no much you can do :(

      2. Catty*

        Omg, was it World Financial Group? I went to an interview myself, they’re sooo full of it. It’s so frustrating that they are so deceptive.

  109. JustaTech*

    Does anyone have any suggestions for how to help a coworker learn to look at the bigger picture and not only focus on the super-fine details? This coworker has been doing their job alone and minimally supervised for years and was just brought into my group (although he’s at another site). He’s the only person in the whole company who does this specific thing, and since he’s been basically off on his own for years he’s gotten very set in his ways. He’s very intelligent, and he’s a nice person (if a verbal fire hose).

    Are there papers or specific techniques for learning to take the 10,000 foot view?

    1. LCL*

      This will require some work on your part. First you have to figure out where he is getting into the weeds. Then find a real world example of something that happened that requires a big picture view. Then you figure out how his fine grained detail about a specific piece relates to this big picture incident, and mentally walk him through the incident. After you have done this a few times he should be able to make the connections himself.

      Another thing that may help is to give a quick summary of an event that you don’t have all of the information for yet. Ask him to help you fill in those blanks. It’s good for him, and it can be good for you and the group to hear some different ideas.

  110. Juli G.*

    I have three deadlines to meet today but I came into the biggest bunch of BS this morning and I cannot get motivated and am pissed that even if I WAS motivated, that BS means I’m not getting out on time. Argh.

    Hope everyone else’s day is going better!

  111. Bigglesworth*

    I’m applying to spring and summer legal internships for my 2L summer and am hitting a few roadblocks. Although I have four years of previous work experience and glowing reviews/recommendations, that doesn’t seem to matter very much.

    I am not in the top had of my class, but I’ve had something come up during all three of my finals times (1L fall – spouse hospitalized before finals for suicidal ideation: 1L spring – computer failed during on of the finals so I had to hand write a 4 hour civ pro exam; summer 1L – grandma passed away the day before the final). The curve at my school is a B+ and my GPA is a 3.07 right now, which makes me borderline bottom 25%.

    I had my first interview for a non-profit position this past week that wrapped up within 26 minutes (was only supposed to be 30 minutes long). Other than that, I’ve been rejected from several positions without making it to the interview stage. My post-graduate goal is to work at an environmental or human rights non-profit or in government, but am not sure how to get there from where I’m at. I recognize grads are important, I also recognize that i am not likely to get in the top half of my class before graduation.

    Any advice or help would be appreciated as I’m not sure what to do except keep applying.

    1. Thany*

      I’m not a law student, so I’m not an expert on this.
      But is there a way you can mention you have had family emergencies during your time in law school, which is why your grades have suffered? I’m not sure how you want to phrase it. But giving that context might help them reconsider you. At this point, you probably just look like a bad student when that is not the true picture.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        I’ve tried to put that in my cover letters before, but I can’t figure out a good way to phrase it. If I believed in omens I would have quit already since something has happened during every single finals, but how do I say something has happened every single time I have to take a test without: 1) sounding like I’m whining, or 2) sound like I’m providing excuses. Plus I’m concerned that since this has happened every single time that an employe may wonder if anything is going to happen while I work for them.

    2. Mediamaven*

      Are people specifically asking for your grades or are you listing them? If the later, I wouldn’t put it out there.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        A lot of applications require transcripts. I don’t list my GPA or offer my transcript unless they specifically ask for them.

    3. CatCat*

      You may benefit from doing informational interviews with alumns. I did that back in the day and it really opened by eyes on (1) don’t get too narrow and develop tunnel vision on what you can be doing immediately after graduating, and (2) there is no clear path to Ultimate Goal, but more a meandering unmarked trail with unexpected diversion. This image on the topic really resonates with me: http://fitdocs.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/path-to-success.jpg

      So keep applying and keep the scope of things you are applying to broad. If you already know the academics are not going to be stellar, I suggest doing as many practical courses and clinical programs as you can. Be a rock start at the clinics because being able to do actual legal work and have references on that will help you. You already probably know that lower grades are going to close some doors when grade cutoffs are being used to weed down candidate pools. You need a different door than just OCI or cold applications. That different door is getting to know alumni (go to events, do informational interviews with local alumni. You’re school may have some alumns they can put you in touch with. It is OKAY to cold email people you are interested in informational interviews with even if you don’t have the alumn connection, truly. Some may be too busy or not interested, but some may be receptive… lawyers typically love giving advice to students, in my experience!) and your fellow students with similar interests. When I was applying after law school in the dark days of the great recession, it was someone I had gotten to know and knew I was looking, who tipped me off about an opening before it was ever advertised. I aced the interview because I could point to a lot of practical experience doing clinical or other volunteer legal work.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice! I’m fairly decent at networking and am trying to get more involved with school activities. My school actually has an Alumni Mentorship program and my mentor met with me once and I haven’t heard from her again.

        Also, I’ll try to keep an open mind concerning future jobs. I’ll be honest that that’s going to be the hardest part for me. I recognize that I’m an idealist person who wants to create change, but I also recognize that’s i’ll have to pay my bills after school.

  112. Princess Mia*

    OK, I have a specific question for any feds that may be around:

    I am a pear-grower for the government of Genovia. I have a very small department, and I share work with a contractor, who is also a pear-grower. The problem is that the contractor’s company has given her the title of ‘Senior pear-grower.’ Of course, her company can give her whatever title they want, but between the two of us in the orchard, I’m senior. Because I’m a government worker though, adding ‘senior’ to my title would be a whole actual promotion. Do I just let it go and assume everyone still knows I’m the actual lead because I’m the Genovian worker? Or will this cause confusion and possibly lead to problems later?

    1. Reba*

      Has this actually come up, like people sending things to her that should be routed to you, or…?

      When you start a new project, you could introduce yourself like “I’m Princess Mia, the lead on this project” maybe? Not know who the “everyone” is you work with, it might or might not be reasonable to assume they know how feds vs contractors works.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      In my view, the orchard is Genovia’s, not the contracting company’s, so your department decides what the contractor is called when working for you, not her company. So if she is really an associate pear-grower according to the government hierarchy, that’s what she should be referred to while working for you.

      But if you’re talking to contractors and government employees and they know she’s a contractor, it shouldn’t matter much what title she uses, they’ll know that she’s probably something analogous to a direct report for you.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        This!

        I’m the Govt Growth Manager, but mostly have a team of contractors and so there’s a Contract Growth Manager in charge of all the contractors. There’s no confusion because it’s a common occurance

    4. Not All*

      In one of my offices, we would add something to our signature line. So yours might be something like:

      Princess Mia
      Pear-Grower
      Orchard Project Lead

      Have you talked to anyone in your organization about it? I have to say in most of the offices I’ve been in it was really, really common for people to use different titles on their business cards and signature lines than was on their actual hiring paperwork. Of course, we did it because mostly our official titles were so broad as to be meaningless so each person would end up with an unofficial title that more accurately portrayed their specialty.

  113. heckin anon for this*

    My spouse is going through the medical match process, and so I’m looking for WFH jobs since (because of the weirdness of residencies) we may need to only move once…or possibly move twice one year after the next…and maybe again in 4 years…and I don’t want to interrupt my career anymore than I already have. Moving this summer is starting to look like a definite given the number of invitations to interview he has so far. I’ve been working at my current job since earlier this year riding out our time in this city b/c the bills don’t pay themselves.

    My quandary is whether or not to talk to my boss and give him a quiet heads-up that this job isn’t working out and I’m probably moving anyways. I hate to pull the rug out from under him after only being here 10 months, but even if we were to stay, I’ve found this job to be a bad fit and the culture is messed up, so I would be searching anyways. I really like my boss, though, and know he would give me a positive reference, but I’m not 100% sure he wouldn’t accidentally say something to my coworkers. Advice?

    1. CaitlinM*

      I’m confused. Why would you say you’re leaving months before you’re leaving? There’s no upside to that for you.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Don’t say anything! You’re still going to be there until the summer, at least, so be there– unless of course, you get another job. Say nothing until you either have another job or you have a move date.

      I’m in a similar position. My partner finishes his PhD this spring and the chances that we’ll stay in the area are very slim. I would like to keep my job, so it’s a bit different, but I haven’t said a word to my boss because what happens if he decides to cut me loose now instead of waiting?

      You have nothing to gain from saying anything now.

  114. Wine not Whine*

    An incident that’s amusing me.
    I work at the HQ of a family-owned business in the suburbs of a large Midwestern city. There’s an executive dining room in which the founder, president, C-suite folks, etc. regularly eat lunch; others in the building are invited on an individual basis whenever there’s additional space at the table and no guests in the building. (Basically the ownership doesn’t like to eat alone.) These lunches can often be intimidating – you’re expected to be on top of your part of the business – but interesting and informative, and the food and drink are of course top-notch. I’m several layers of status below C-suite, but usually jump at the chance to sit in whenever I’m invited, as I was yesterday (and happened to be one of the most junior-status people at the table).
    Yesterday the founder “TT” (in his early 80’s, partly retired, totally sharp) was in a mood to talk politics. He’s – not surprisingly – quite conservative; while much of the rest of the company skews middle-of-the-road to slightly liberal.
    Awkwardness ensued. And yet, it was rather funny: TT would make a comment, expect an answer; someone else would deflect. Rinse and repeat.
    My grandboss was the recipient of one of these volleys. Grandboss likes to joke around with us; he knows our verbal/social strengths and weaknesses, who among us can handle ourselves in this kind of situation. So his comment ended with “hey, Wine, what do you think?”
    I looked at him, looked across the table at TT, and said with a huge smile, “Y’know, I think this fish [pointing at my plate] is absolutely wonderful!” Everyone laughed, and we *finally* got off the political stuff and onto other topics.
    I’m in lunch again today, and earnestly hoping the conversation will turn toward baseball, or something…

    1. Kathenus*

      Congrats on being able to think on your feet and say this in the moment. It’s so satisfying to come up with a funny, well-received comment versus thinking later ‘I wish I would have said ___’

      Good job!

      1. Wine not Whine*

        Thanks!
        No politics today, BTW; we got onto bloggers, electronic advertising, Amazon and private label/boutique label products… Fascinating stuff.

        1. Kathenus*

          I was on a work trip a couple of weeks ago, and a bunch of us from our organization ended up on the same plane returning. I saw our president/CEO and a couple of other folks so I went over to say hello at the gate. The president then asked me how I was getting home. I knew what he was asking (looking for a ride home from the airport), but since we were still in the other city I couldn’t resist answering with “Well, I was hoping to take the plane”. I think it was more amusing to me than him (he wasn’t bothered by it, more oblivious), but it still gives me a bit of an internal chuckle to think of it. It’s somewhat gratifying to have a pithy answer actually come to mind in time to use it occasionally :)

    2. valentine*

      Bring up baseball. Next time you get a big laugh, if you’ve no leave scheduled, add “I’m here all week!”

  115. Anon For Always*

    This week has been horrendous. One of our VP’s administrative assistant quit last week. We’ve all collectively had to go through this VP’s stages of grieve, and it’s been hell.

    First, we got the denial. That was coupled with the bargaining and the 27 million promises. Then when this VP realized that the administrative assistant was leaving, we got anger. And not just normal anger. It was the VP threatening to call the administrative assistants new employer, and then telling other staff members who were friendly with the administrative assistant that they were going to be fired. Finally, it appears that this VP has accepted the administrative assistant’s departure, and is back on speaking terms to everyone. The whole thing has been completely ridiculous. I’ve never seen behavior like it. The VP’s boss is aware, but is chalking it up to a bad reaction.

      1. Anon For Always*

        It was abusive, and completely unacceptable. The VP has always been volatile, and it’s a contributing factor to why this administrative assistant is leaving, but this week was nothing like I had ever seen before, in any place I’ve ever worked.

    2. Thany*

      Yeah…this sounds more like a red flag than a bad reaction. As Alison always says, people leaving a job is part of doing business. His reaction was not with professional norms. And it sounds awful. I’m sorry your office had to deal with his tantrums.

      1. Anon For Always*

        It’s a complete red flag. The VP is a bully and is rarely told no. Which is in large part why he reacted the way he did. I do think that if something isn’t done and this happens again, that the organization is at risk for legal action.

  116. CanadianUniversityReader*

    Hi,
    I’ve got a question related to school work. Does anyone know anything about the Regulatory Technology industry? My school group has to do research and talk to people to find out about the state of the RegTech industry.

    I know it’s pretty specific but I figured it doesn’t hurt ask. Thanks for any of the help.

  117. De Minimis*

    Any suggestions for dealing with social anxiety at work? I find sometimes that I struggle to ask for help or volunteer for projects because I get anxious about initiating conversations with coworkers [and definitely not with my supervisor] and I know it means I’m not being utilized as much as I should be.

    1. Sherm*

      I have social anxiety, too, and I know it sucks. The best thing to do, really, is to not avoid what you need to do; that is, talk to the coworker, bring something up with the supervisor. It does get better. The more you interact with people, the more they will be comfortable to you, like a well-worn shoe. Also, remember that people aren’t scrutinizing you and judging you all day long. Like most everyone else they are generally self-obsessed and are thinking about their bills or the zit on their neck, and are not at all reflecting on how you talked or acted.

    2. valentine*

      Think of someone you want good things for. Imagine they are doing these things. Enact the script you would you write for them. If you like Emma Thompson, imagine she’s narrating your life, like in Stranger Than Fiction.

  118. This_sucks*

    Is it a terrible idea to call a previous employer and pretend to be doing a reference check to see how they answer?
    My last job ended on very unpleasant terms when the CEO found out I was job-hunting. I’ve had a series of rejections lately after 5 or 6 interviews where they get to the employment verification step and suddenly want nothing to do with me. My unemployment claim is currently tied up in an appeal process b/c the info provided by the former employer is completely false and defamatory. I’m now worried that same false info is being shared with prospective employers.

    1. Nant*

      It’s a very terrible idea. Don’t do it! Your best bet is to not list that former employer as a reference – given you left on bad terms, there’s a near 0 chance of them giving you a good reference. Have you got anyone else to list? A former co-worker?

      1. Reba*

        Of course, they new company could still contact the old one on their own initiative, but I agree not to encourage them to do so if you can help it!

        Since you left on bad terms for an unreasonable reason — it sounds like you were fired for job-hunting, yes? — I think you could let companies you’re interviewing with know that. Like, “My last workplace fired me for job searching and is actually continuing to treat me badly over it, so I don’t believe they would give a fair and accurate reference for me.”

        Dang, I feel sure Alison has address similar situations so maybe there is a better script or approach in the archives?

      4. Amtelope*

        No, it’s not a terrible idea. Don’t do it yourself, or from your own number, or from a number that’s obviously connected to your old place of employment. But there’s nothing wrong with having a friend do this.

        1. This_sucks*

          Yeah, that’s what I was thinking: either having my sister’s new boyfriend do it or getting a google voice number or something like that. The previous comment about job hunting is spot on – they found out I was looking elsewhere and told me not to come back.

    3. Close Bracket*

      I ran this idea by an old boss of mine from a company where I am concerned about what they might say. He said nope, all the nopes, it will look suspicious if they get multiple calls (ie, one dummy call and a later genuine call). I had proposed asking a friend who is a business owner to do the call so it would even seem legit. I actually am interested in what other people think of my former boss’s advice.

      1. Salad*

        But presumably this company has already gotten a couple calls, from the multiple applications/interviews with different companies.

      2. Jasnah*

        Why would it look suspicious if multiple people are calling for references? It will look like you are job hunting and have applied to multiple companies. It’s not like your former employer will know one is a dummy call.

  119. HereKittyKitty*

    I interviewed for a job last Tuesday and I was sure I had it in the bag. The interview went extremely well, overall. I did an editing assignment to move myself forward in the hiring process and then… radio silence. I sent a thank you note to the interviewers this week and never heard back (do those usually get replies?). I then saw that they had reposted the job ad to glassdoor, so now I’m not sure if anything is happening. I’m feeling a bit discouraged, but I guess it has only been a week.

    I’m guessing they’re rounding up a bit more candidates to interview? I wanted to negotiate a slightly later start date, so perhaps they’re holding off on me until after another round of interviewers. Can you tell I’m obsessing over this? lol. Who else endlessly speculates and refreshes their email after an interview?

    1. Sherm*

      I think we’ve all been guilty of checking our email a wee bit too often when we’re job hunting. But your time is better spent continuing looking for other jobs. Although, I think you may still be in the running for the Tuesday job! I have never gotten a reply to a thank-you note, so I wouldn’t worry about that. And the re-posting on Glassdoor may have just been an automated thing.

    2. halloweencandyismyweakness*

      I am in the same boat, and I feel for you!

      I had a phone interview, an-person interview, a second in-person interview, and a phone interview with the head of department over the last three weeks in addition to them checking my references. This week has been radio silence, and I have had to keep my phone away from me to stop checking my email. I am feeling super deflated after everything.

      Here’s to hoping that we both hear positive news soon!

    3. sharkBite*

      Samesies over here!
      I wish that we could meet for pizza and beer. Riding this out has been rough.

  120. Amanda*

    Is it okay to Ask for a higher salary/hourly pay, then listed in the job description? I’m looking for new jobs as my current one ends in a month and all the jobs I’m looking at pay far less than my current one. Is it appropriate to ask for higher pay and is it likely they will say yes? Or am I just going to have to take a pay cut.

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      With some standardized jobs you can’t really get more per hour – it depends on the market. Do they have enough decent applicants willing to work for that rate? If not, or if you can prove that you’re an unusually good applicant, you can ask for more. Some jobs they won’t figure it matters whether you’re a great employee or a so-so one, so they won’t be willing to pay any more than the flat rate in the ad. But if you’re bringing skills or experience that that reduces the cost of them employing you versus somebody else (for example, you’d be able to get up to speed faster, they wouldn’t have to train you on something, you could improve sales or efficiency) try that.

    2. Kathenus*

      If the jobs you’re applying for advertise ‘far less’ than you want, it’s not likely that they will raise it significantly unless as Sloan Kettering says you are a specialized candidate. So the answer to is it okay to ask is sure, it’s always okay to ask. But I think you need to be realistic that there would need to be a significant reason that they would pay you a lot more than their advertised range. It sounds like these jobs may not be the fit you are looking for regarding salary range.

    3. Anon For Always*

      Honestly, I wouldn’t apply to positions where the top of the range is too low for you.

      We post the salary range for a reason, it’s because that is what we pay. And we typically only offer towards the top of the range for the best or most experienced candidates. I mean you can ask for more, but where I work it wouldn’t go down well.

  121. babblemouth*

    There has been a tragic accidental death at my workplace this week, and our leadership has handled it so well. We hear mostly stories of bad management, so I want to highlight an example of true leadership in very hard times.

    – they contained the news as much as possible while waiting to notify next of kin.
    – psychologists were brought on the scene as soon as possible to help the people that were nearby.
    – the email announcing the sad news was kind to the readers, and beautiful in its praise of our colleague.
    – we had psychologists available for a full day in the office the day after.
    – the day after, everyone was given freedom to do as much or as little work as they chose to.
    – plenty of room was given for people to grieve, even those who didn’t know the deceased, with recognition that tragedy impacts everyone differently.
    – open door policy from our entire leadership.
    – full explanation was given to everyone as to how the crisis management team handled the event, reassuring everyone that next of kin was given all the support we wish we could give. This was delivered by the head of our department in a way I can only describe as deeply human. There was no doubt that he cared deeply, and was also offering us all the support he could

    It’s been a very hard week, and yet knowing we have a solid commitment to help everyone go through this makes a world of difference.

    1. Wine not Whine*

      Condolences to your team. That’s such a difficult situation to be in. I’m glad to hear that your leadership has really stepped up – it sounds like they’re doing all the right things.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Condolences to all of you. this is a possible topic for “things good companies/cultures do…” because things do happen. And clearly they had a plan in place and weren’t running around thinking of things off the cuff.

      1. babblemouth*

        My company LOVES processes, to the point it gets really annoying at times because it inhibits innovation. I must say this is one instance where we were all grateful for the process obsession. When we saw the flag being lowered at half mast, a colleague and I noted that was probably step 27-b in the crisis response process.

  122. productchocolateteapot*

    Interviewed for Product Manager role, but the offer says Program Manager. The interviews were for product and not program. This concerns me as those are two widely different things. I can’t provide too many more details without doxing myself, but when I asked about they said it’s the same role just different title. Which okay, but those are two different roles though. Is this typical for employers to mix up product and program? I’m thinking that I should turn down the offer because of this.

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      I would definitely go back and ask clarifying questions. “In my understanding a product manager does X while a program manager is more focused on Y, do you have a sense of where this role falls?” They may say they’re looking for someone who’s 50/50 between X and Y which would be good information to have as well. Also, if one of those titles is more desirable to you, you could ask if you can have that title if this company feels they’re interchangeable.

    2. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

      My company has both positions and they are miles apart. I’d ask to see job descriptions. Who did you ask? HR or the hiring manager? If you’ve only spoken to HR then I’d go back to the hiring manager and ask why the job title has changed.

      To answer your question, yes for some reason some people use these terms interchangeably and they aren’t (in my experience).

      1. productchocolateteapot*

        I asked HR and they were the ones that said that it’s the same role but the official title is program manager. This bothers me as I’m trying to leave an org where they promised product but it ended up being well, anything but. I will ask the hiring manager if possible to change title and gauge if the organization is looking forward to working with a product manager and not a program manager. Thank you both for the words of advice.

  123. Fingers Crossed*

    I had a great first interview for a super-exciting job this morning, and it’s taking all my willpower to get back down to business at work.

    The job is a long shot. I’m a very strong candidate, but it’s a high profile and prestigious organization. I was pretty confident that I’d get the first interview, and it went super well — but I know they have a lot of really great candidates.

    (I’m not actively looking to leave my job, so that’s a nice position to be in. I’d be really excited if I were offered this job, but if not I’m generally happy with where I am.)

    Anyway, whee! Hope everyone is having a great week.

  124. Persephone Mulberry*

    I need good stories about getting called for a second interview toward the end or after the window indicated during the first interview. I know this happens all the time (I myself am the first to make reassuring noises to other people about candidate time vs interviewer time), but my personal experience has always skewed heavily toward “they follow up right away or not at all.” Bonus points if your story includes a low-level HR recruiter who wasn’t familiar with the role and your past experience clearly didn’t fit neatly into the boxes she needed to fill out on her form, although you did your best to draw the connections for her…

    1. TootsNYC*

      I don’t even work w/ a HR folks, and I often have interviews happen much later than I intended them to.

    2. beanie beans*

      No bonus points for me, but mylast three interview processes were ALL very behind in hearing back. And the last one I got the job! They all gave me dates they would let me know by, and said they were moving “very fast” to fill these positions, and they were all WEEKS later than that!

      Stay hopeful!

    3. Random Commenter*

      My last round of interviews, it took them over a week longer than they’d said to get back to me for what is now my job. Well actually they never did call back, I calles them. Turns out the HR lady who was in charge of my paperwork had left the company and the person in charge of picking up her tasks was buried in files.

      It was an extreme case, but things do happen.

    4. Lily Rowan*

      I’m always a week late in getting back to applicants, even when I try to hedge and be really realistic! (At least I try to say, “My hope is that we’re wrapping up first-round interviews next week and following up the week after” instead of really promising it…?)

  125. The Other Dawn*

    Now that my company has been acquired and the sale is final, we’re hemorrhaging people left and right–and the first wave of laid-off people haven’t even left yet (first wave is November). They’ve already had to pull resources from the acquiring company because they lost almost a whole department last week (two of the three people left the same day for new jobs, and the remaining person doesn’t have all their knowledge). Can’t wait to see what this place looks like when I leave in February…

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Not a clue yet! I didn’t get an offer from the acquiring company. I’m actually one of the last to go since my department is needed until February. I have some time before I need to start looking for another job. I’m not 100% sure what I want to do. I can go several different directions, but I’m not sure which one appeals the most.

        1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

          Oh, ugh, I’m sorry — I thought it was by choice. Glad you have some time to think things through!

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I’m actually very much fine with the fact that I didn’t get an offer. I know too many people who once worked at the other company…and there’s a reason they all left.

  126. Nox*

    I put in my 3 weeks notice in monday. I’m in a vendor call center looking to go to a larger org. I refused to tell them where I went because they still try to harass the new employer to get new business. Took them all week to notify the client I report to even though my contract states that they needed to provide notice as quickly as possible. My current employer told me that its not true and that there’s nothing special in my contract that says they need to take any special considerations for me or them. Told my internal boss why i’m leaving, he didn’t seem too interested in why but now they all are giving me the cold shoulder until my client confided in me saying that my contract was contingent on my employment there so they decided to end the business relationship over my departure.

    They haven’t informed my employer yet soooooooo I feel guilt.Not asking anything just venting.

    1. Office Drama*

      Good for you for leaving what sounds like a less than ideal place to work. Congratulations!

    2. Buu*

      No need to feel guilty if they are giving you the cold shoulder. Just mentally visualise having a big tub of popcorn.

    3. The Ginger Ginger*

      Sounds like some sweet, sweet karma for a crummy employer to me. Can you congratulate yourself on your front row seat instead?

      Seriously, sounds like you made the right choice here.

  127. Pharmgirl*

    Hoping there are some pharmacists that can help! I’m licensed in two states (original and score transfer). I’ve been at my new job about six months, and there’s a good chunk of business that is mail order. I expect my boss to ask me about getting additional state licenses soon. What should I be asking for in terms of additional compensation? I’m not even sure what factors to consider – study time, license cost & renewal costs/reciprocity, continuing education? Is there anything else I should be looking into, such as what would happen if I left the job and let the license lapse? If anyone else has gone through this and has some tips that would be great! Thanks.

    1. ..Kat..*

      Not a pharmacist, but an RN. They should be paying for the associated exam/licensing fees. Also, you should be getting either a pay raise or a yearly bonus based on the number of states in which you will be licensed. And this raise/yearly bonus should exceed your costs of having these additional state licenses. Costs including fees, continuing education time and costs, license costs, renewal costs, etc. Your being licensed in additional states will make your company more money. It should not cost you money to make your company more money.

  128. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

    I’m so bummed today. I just turned down a cherry and much-needed temp assignment because a. three-hour commute each way (WHY is sitting and reading quietly so much more draining to me on a bus than on my couch? I make no sense!) and I know from experience that this sort of thing leaves me pretty much professionally useless. It would also have made me unable to go to testing with a permanent opportunity that I am VERY interested in… but I feel so selfish and lazy for not taking this. Sigh.

    1. Mediamaven*

      Sweet Jebus don’t feel that way. To me you made the right decision. Three hours each WAY??!!!

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        Yes I completely agree. Would you really have been able to perform excellently if you had six hours of commuting to do 8 hours of work??

        1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

          Thank you so much. It seems to me that we recently had a column where it came out that in the L.A. area, a two-hour commute is standard and average, and I don’t want to feel like I’m fitting some “lazy Midwesterner” stereotype. (Although you know there are going to be people who say, “Work is work! Americans are awful! You sound like a Millennial! You’re what’s wrong with this country! My pearls, let me clutch them!” even outside my own head…)

          1. Lil Fidget*

            In my opinion it’s not a moral question, it’s just a practical one. You’d be losing six hours or potential work every day in commuting (and paying to commute, I assume?). Those numbers just don’t add up. You could probably work retail at a position closer to home and make up the money in sheer number of available hours.

            If it was a great opportunity to move up from, maybe it would make sense to relocate closer and take the job – but it sounds like this was a temp position and you didn’t say it was a critical stepping stone in your career or anything.

            1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

              Quite right, quite right. I mean, if they were willing to put me and my cat up in a weekly hotel, that would be different… but it’s not on that level.

          2. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

            … is “lazy Midwesterner” even a thing?? My own Midwestern stereotype is about the Protestant work ethic.

            1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

              I’m not in Minnesota. Different Midwest. I understand that the only non-lazy people in America are recent migrants or in New England or NYC— although I mostly hear this from people from New England or NYC.

              1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

                MARTYRED SIGH WITH EYELID TWITCH. My (NYC-based) cousin just informed me that if I would only start eating keto/ paleo (which I can’t, medically speaking), I’d have plenty of energy and this wouldn’t be a problem!

                1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

                  EYE ROLL

                  (Also apparently I talk enough about Minnesota that other commenters know where I’m from! Lol.)

                2. JustaTech*

                  Oy. I would be deeply tempted to reply to said cousin with “yeah, or I could do speed, but that’s not happening either.”
                  (And how having more energy would fix a horrific commute, I dunno.)

            2. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

              Oh, don’t worry, you aren’t typing with flat vowels or anything, it’s just that in my mind goes right to Max Weber whenever someone mentions “Protestant work ethic,” and for some reason, he’s inextricably intertwined with that state for me.

          3. That Would be a Good Band Name*

            Three hours sounds insane to this midwesterner. I commute 45 minutes (by car) one way and get tons of comments about how it’s way too long.

            1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

              Wow! I actually spent about fourteen years in two different jobs with a two-hour commute, but it was so lovely and peaceful, I didn’t mind. But I (again, lazily and selfishly) feel like I’ve paid my dues.

    2. beanie beans*

      Turning down a three hour commute one way for a temp assignment sounds pretty frickin reasonable to me!

      1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

        Honestly, if it had been super short-term, I’d have done it— I just can’t sustain that energy for some reason. And thanks!

    3. Parenthetically*

      Sweet tap-dancing Moses, three hours EACH WAY?! No, you sound like a model of good sense and prioritizing your effort in the right direction. I hereby dub thee 0% lazy, 100% smart for choosing not to spend 30 hours a week on a BUS.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Moses did interpretive dance, not tap dancing. Get it right. =)

        Seriously, tap dancing would not part bathtub water, much less the Red Sea.

    4. 653-CXK*

      I can top that…

      Back in July, I interviewed for a position in the suburbs west of Greater Boston (office parks section of I-95/MA 128). I was familiar with the area, as I began my previous career there (we moved two towns over in 2000); the commute back then ranged anywhere from 1 hour to 2-1/2, including shuttles. Believe me, newspapers and books came in really handy!

      A few days before, I did the research on this job. The shuttles to the new job were infrequent, and the bus stop was a good 45 minute walk from the area! The day of the interview, I took a cab ride there (so I’d be on time) and it was a whopping $14 (plus tip)! Therefore it would cost me more in time and energy just to get to work than to work itself!

      In addition, the recruiter very helpful in preparing me for the interview, but by the time he called me in the cab (after the sixth or seventh time!), I was almost ready to turn around and go back home. I did have the interview, but as there was no shuttle until around 4:30, I walked back to the bus stop. I finally told them (while on the bus!) that the company was too far to get to. They told me to “wait for that phonecall” and it was almost three months ago. I haven’t heard from them since, and I don’t think I ever will again.

      If your gut is telling you something – long commute, sour hiring manager, subtle things – don’t ignore it! There is no sin at all in saying, “I’m sorry, this is not a good fit for me, I’d like to withdraw my candidacy.” There are plenty of other opportunities with a much shorter distance!

      1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

        “Therefore it would cost me more in time and energy just to get to work than to work itself!”

        Thank you. You put your finger on it exactly.

        1. 653-CXK*

          Glad you liked it!

          I use public transportation all the time, but while I walked back to the bus stop, other things came into play, such as “what happens during a blizzard? What if I have a home emergency?” At least in the old location, it was a ten minute walk to the bus stop or a twenty minute shuttle ride to the train station. I estimated I wouldn’t get home until much later at night.

          In hindsight, the recruiter became more pushy as the interview drew closer; not five seconds after I got on the bus, they called and I told them it was too far to get to. They weren’t happy (and there was no way in hell the phonecall was coming), but I wasn’t going pay half my paycheck and risk getting stranded getting to that location. I dodged a bullet for sure.

    5. Lily Rowan*

      How about this for a re-framing: you would be selfish to take the assignment! There’s probably someone who lives closer and also needs the work who will be super happy to have it.

      Also: three hours EACH WAY?!? No, that is insane.

    6. Ender Wiggin*

      FYI the reason it is more draining is because you are trapped in a small area with loads of other people and your immune system is working overtime fighting off all their germs. I used to commute by bus in the winter and I would be way more tired after an hour commute home than after 8 hours work.

      1. Windchime*

        Yeah, this is why I stopped taking the bus to work. I now drive and spend $17/day for parking (so expensive!) because I couldn’t handle sitting crammed into a bus next to strangers for over two hours a day. My bus was always standing-room only and it was just so depressing. I can’t imagine doing it for 6 hours a day. You did the right thing by turning down the offer, OP.

    7. valentine*

      According to my old planners, I got a ton of reading done on the bus, but my memory is of being put upon. 10+ hours of being on (from door to door), with no privacy even in a restroom because there’s no guarantee you can have the place to yourself or remain uninterrupted, having to hear conversations, possibly no A/C, and a woman with a chronic cough who sat next to me when empty two-seat rows were available. If you think of the entire burden, is the job still cherry? How would bus issues ruin your day/jeopardize your placement? Is the schedule frequent enough and with a low enough ridership that it’s no problem to catch the next one? Does it run only during rush hour? What will you do on a half-day or if you need to leave due to illness or injury?

  129. New Job!*

    I’ve been offered a new job! I interviewed last night and was offered the job this morning, so they’re moving pretty fast.
    Thank you, AAM, for all the great advice on this site. It meant I could write a great CV and cover letter and go to my interview much less stressed than I used to.

  130. Office Drama*

    IDK if anyone is going to read this far into the comments but here goes.

    I’m fairly new at my job, a relatively small company. I get along really well with my boss and my role means I’m his second in command for a lot of things and I’m one of 2 people who report directly to him, me and “Joe”.

    There’s this lady in our department who works under Joe. She has a HUGE crush on my boss. She’s not subtle about it AT ALL. She has now taken to making comments to other people about how I’m always spending so much time with Jack so she never gets to see him. She’s always trying to interrupt our conversations. It doesn’t help that it’s an open floor plan.

    She’s also the CEO’s relative so though my boss knows he can’t really do that much about it. At this point it’s an office joke.

    So this week I called in sick. Turns out my boss was late on the same day. My friend texted me, laughing, saying this lady was freaking out, asking about where “the two of us” were, and such. Then the next update from my friend: “(Boss) is here now. (Lady) has him all to herself. Never seen her so excited.”

    So yeah that’s what’s going on guys.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Yuck. YUCK. :(

      “That’s an odd thing to say about/way to act around a supervisor.” Repeat times infinity?

      1. WellRed*

        Good idea. This is gross and I feel it veers close to inappropriate/harassing behavior. Maybe not in the legal sense.

        1. Crylo Ren*

          I agree. This is really gross, especially the fact that she’s so openly vocal about it and it’s getting to the point where it’s disruptive to your actual work-related conversations.

      2. Office Drama*

        Oh I HAVE called her out on it. One time during an event I flat out told her “You are literally batting your eyes at him. Stop”. She brushed it off. I don’t think she cares, either because she really IS convinced that there’s a love triangle situation (there’s not), or because she knows she’ll keep getting away with it.

        1. WellRed*

          If she ever implies anything about you again, shut it down. “What are you implying, lady?” Very coldly.

    2. Nita*

      That’s too bad about her being the CEO’s relative, but I think you should recommend that your boss go to HR and get her behavior documented. They may not be able to do anything, but this is more in case she escalates her behavior, gets rejected, and makes up a story about him harassing her. My husband has dealt with a couple of women acting inappropriately in the office, and sadly, this was always in the back of his mind. He was careful not to be alone with them, but sometimes it could not be avoided. Maybe this wouldn’t have been a huge thing in a healthy work environment, but he was already being harassed in other ways by management and knew that should it come to that, HR will be under massive pressure to believe the woman over him even in a completely he-said-she-said situation.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      Oh, ICK! Someone really needs to have a talk with this lady. This is so unprofessional and even borderline harassing to your boss and you.
      Again, this is what’s wrong with hiring relatives.

    4. Librarian person*

      Honestly I would NOT be okay with her implying that you and your boss are involved in any other way than professionally. However your boss chooses to deal with her behavior towards him, whatever. But she could seriously hurt your reputation and future opportunities. What if she starts going into her delusional jealous ideas about you two in front of someone who doesn’t realize the whole situation and they think it’s true?

      1. Office Drama*

        The only reason I haven’t minded so far is that I don’t think that anyone’s believing her delusions. She was a rather unstable person since long before I joined the company and I’m confident that I’m establishing a good reputation. So everyone just seems to be treating this as something funny and odd and inappropriate from her side but not that harmful.

        However these comments are giving me perspective and I’m starting to reconsider. I probably will need to at least distance myself from the situation, set firmer boundaries. I see now the many ways this can escalate to my disadvantage.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Do you have an HR department? Because implying that you and boss are both late for a sexual interlude smacks of sexual harassment.

        3. Office Drama*

          There technically is an HR department, but I don’t trust them that much. The head also has close personal ties with the CEO, and they’ve had differences with my boss and I over certain processes. The other 2 people in the department are young and clueless.

          But mostly I need something more solid before I go to them, as Lady still has plausible deniability. She didn’t SAY that she thought we were having an affair, she just
          wondered aloud about where we both were. She can claim she was actually worried that something happened to us and I have no proof of the implication, specially since I wasn’t there myself. So that would be a path to take but only if she does something more blatant.

          How much do these text messages with my friend count as documentation if it comes to it?

          Also this thread is giving me the perspective to realize how deeply toxic this office is, so thank you all.

          1. valentine*

            The texts can be turned on you because they read like gossip, but you can tell HR you’re concerned about this person’s behavior and she has also done x and y in front of others on z date. If they don’t care about your reputation, you can turn it back on them and say no, no, you are worried about this woman’s reputation. I find that people have terrible, terrible memories, so I would expect them to remember not your stellar professionalism, but the salacious stuff this woman spreads. Also, if they like to gossip about her, when they pass the story on, people who don’t know you may walk away thinking you’re probably banging your boss and this woman is Cassandra. If your colleagues or you talk about her at events and then you end up in an interview with people who were down the line in the telephone game, where will you stand with them? Leaving is a good idea because Jack’s letting this person target the two of you. What will he do if she escalates? If someone else targets you, will he step in or feel like it’d be unfair to take issue with anyone else and succumb to sunk-cost fallacy? As a last resort, might the CEO want to know this is going on and is there a way to tell them?

            1. Office Drama*

              Yeah the situation is definitely not as big as this, not by a very long shot.

              She hasn’t been spreading around gossip. She’s not telling people that I’m having sex with my boss. Hell, I don’t think she believes I am, she’s just jealous that when I’m around my boss can’t give her that much attention. And to some degree that’s on my boss for dealing with this whole thing poorly, but again he can’t be too blunt either.

              The only time she made something similar to a suggestion of an affair was that one time this week when I was out sick and again: I wasn’t there myself so I’m trusting what my friend says was implied, and even then she has plausible deniability that she meant to imply nothing and was just wondering where we were. She is not running gossip and she never acts this way when someone not from our team is around. If it were as blatant, it would be in a lot of ways easier to deal with as I would have something more solid to to go against. But she’s always on the very edge: borderline suggesting, borderline harassment, but always borderline, never crossing that line.

              And finally due to the nature of our work, her role, mine, and the industry in general, never in a million years we would be at an event where a prospective interviewer could be there. Without giving too much away, for you to get an idea, the lady is twice my age and we are about the same (low) level of seniority. She could not influence my capacity to get another job in any material way.

  131. Parenthetically*

    Not a question as much as just a vent. My husband just passed 9 months at his new job. It’s a paycheck, and the company and his coworkers are great. But: it involves travel, usually with incredibly short notice (as in, he texts me from work at 9 and says, “We’re on our way to Two Hours Away Town, sorry, I’ll be home late”), it’s hourly, the pay is not great, and worst of all it’s only adjacent to his field. It’s frustrating for me seeing him unfulfilled and doing grunt work. But it also seems… irresponsible to be applying for other jobs so soon, particularly because the benefits are pretty good where he is now.

    Ugh.

    1. Random Commenter*

      I think it depends on the field but I think it’s ok to browse for other jobs to see what turns up. Something better might come along. You can always explain in an interview how the new job was not what was expected. I understand this depends on the field but don’t write it out if it’s making you guys unhappy.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        If he’s been there nine months, you’re doing well. Ideally I’d say get to one year, then start searching (it will take time before he actually gets to leave anyway – a year and a half may be perfectly respectable for a job with a lot of unexpected travel). The good news when you’re searching and already have a survivable job is that you can be picky – you don’t have to take anything that is not measurably better than your current situation.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Ah, the job is exactly what we expected. Entry level teapot assistant. He needed the income. I just worry that a new job is going to judge him for being “desperate” (we were, a bit) and then bailing.

        I dunno. Maybe it’s irrational.

        1. ContentWrangler*

          I think you only get into issues of judgement when it becomes a pattern of short job stays. It seems like he would have a good answer when asked why he wants to leave so soon (lack of consideration to employees for short travel notice). And nothing is really harmed by looking for jobs. It could take him quite awhile to find one anyway, so if he’s really not happy there – better to start looking for a better fit. This time, he can look with the security of having income.

  132. Redheaded Step Anon*

    Been meaning to post this for a while. Our group got a new grandboss early this year. Grandboss manages two groups, ours and a sister group that did not have a manager when he started, and then a new manager was hired for it a couple of months later. Grandboss is giving weirdly preferential treatment to Sister Group (goes to their daily status meetings, but has never been to ours; sent an email to each group’s manager about our work performance once, Sister Group’s saying basically “you guys are doing well, keep up the good work” and ours, “I don’t know what you guys are doing here, but your numbers don’t look good”; going out to a farewell lunch with Sister Group when a beloved coworker left the company, and when asked whether to invite others that had worked with Coworker in the past, responding with “no, let’s keep it to our group” – aren’t we his group too if our manager reports to him? and
    we were not even told about the sendoff). There was one teambuilding activity that both groups were invited to, and it was there that I found out that Grandboss and Sister Group’s new manager have been close friends for years. My question is, how can I tell if this is something mildly annoying, but OK, or it is in the “run for your life, you are not job secure” category? I have never seen anything like this before. The man literally keeps forgetting that one of his two groups exists. FTR, without giving out too much identifying information, our group is in charge of the company’s flagship products that are being used by multiple outside clients. Sister group develops new products that will be mostly used by one client. Our group is a result of mergers/acquisitions, ie we used to work for different companies before being merged into one group; Sister Group is not (since it’s newer). I do not know what to make of us being the least favorite child like that. I find it extremely bizarre. I need to know if it’s a harmless quirk or a red flag.

    1. MissDisplaced*

      I would say it’s a pink flag (or yellow flag?).
      It’s not great. The Grandboss is failing to manage both teams equally, and obviously showing preferential treatment to the “new product” side. It could be because this newer side really needs the hands-on management right now, or it could be that Grandboss is blinded by the shiny & new instead of the more mundane bread & butter steady side of the business. I admit, new product development can be quite “sexy” and perceived as funner. It could also be due to the friendship Grandboss has with Sister Group’s manager.
      Whatever the case, this is weirdly off putting and I’m surprised Grandboss’s Boss isn’t seeing this or that your team’s manager isn’t speaking up. I don’t think there is immediate danger of running for your life, but it bears close watching to see if it progresses to more open hostility toward your team where you think Grandboss is devaluing it to the point of restructuring. The attitude of Grandboss does hint at that, but it’s hard to tell.

      1. Redheaded Step Anon*

        Thanks, that’s what I was leaning towards doing: it bears close watching to see if it progresses to more open hostility toward your team where you think Grandboss is devaluing it to the point of restructuring. And I’m glad to hear that it does not look like it is coming to that yet.

    2. WellRed*

      I have worked under the same publisher for years. He recently became the publisher for another magazine (group). He’s spending lots more time with them, which has been sometimes vexsome, but on the other hand, he’s also learning their stuff. Not quite the same thing as you, but I get where you are coming from.
      As to being invited to something for the other group, nah. We are two separate “groups.”

      1. Redheaded Step Anon*

        I didn’t at all mind not being invited (even though I’d worked with Departing Coworker for 12 years at two different companies, and grandboss had worked with him for what, a couple of months?) I did mind him calling one of his two groups “our group” and excluding the other, which is… “not his group”? Hopefully an accidental and unfortunate choice of words.

  133. JanetM*

    It’s been four days, but I’m still excited about this.

    Since March 2017, I’ve been in a temp position where I was part of the Business Office, but assigned full time to the Project Management Office (PMO) as a project manager. About two weeks ago, my PMO manager told me things were in the works; Tuesday, I received confirmation that I’m officially part of the PMO, a permanent position, with a one-step promotion! (I got a four-step bump when I started working for the PMO, and this is another bump from that.) And without having to go through a search, even!

    The first thing I did was hand-write thank-you notes to my PMO manager, my former Business Office manager, and the CIO, who all worked with HR to get the promotion-in-place approved. Now I need to continue to live up to their hopes and expectations, and December 3 I need to pass the CAPM exam (not enough hours to sit for the PMP).

    1. TypityTypeType*

      Congratulations, it sounds like you have a lot of good people on your side, and I’m sure you’ll do great. And good luck with the exam!

  134. Hannah*

    I just had the opportunity to speak with several people from a different company in the same field as mine. It was a work-related thing that I was doing, but it entailed a few meetings with different people at this company.

    During my conversations with them, several of them seemed impressed with me and said that their company was hiring, hint hint. I did meet with the person who would be my manager, although I did not discuss the job with him, as our conversation got cut short. Later, one of the other employees sent me a link to the job description, and I only had time to read it after all the meetings were finished.

    Since I met the hiring manager personally, would it be appropriate to send a cover letter and resume directly to him? Is it weird that I didn’t bring up the possibility of working for him? I’m kind of kicking myself for not bringing it up, but I didn’t have all the information at the time, and also I found him a bit intimidating!

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      No, I don’t think you should send your cover letter and résumé directly to the hiring manager, but you may want to mention in your cover letter that you met them, and that’s a big part of why you’re interested in the position.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      Apply for the job in the normal manner on the website.
      However, you can certainly reach out via email or LinkedIn to the hiring manager since you did meet him personally and let him know you applied for a job based on conversations you had with him and other employees at X event and why the position interests you. [Keep this note short and light in tone-it’s not your cover letter.]

      If he is interested he will contact HR to pull your resume, or he may ask you for it directly in a reply.
      Good luck!

    3. Psyche*

      I would say that you should apply though whatever channels the posting says. However you could follow up with the people you met by email and thanking them for letting you know about the position and letting them know you applied.

    4. Kathenus*

      Definitely apply however is specified in the job posting. Then depending on how you feel the conversation went with the hiring manager, you could always send them an email saying it was great to meet/speak with them at the recent event, and that you wanted to let them know you’ve applied for xx position. Good luck!

  135. ONFM*

    My boss retired unexpectedly (medical reasons) and one of my peers is the interim assistant director. He has about 6 months of seniority over me in this position. We will both be considered for promotion to the asst director spot in a few months. He recently mentioned that he was asked to do my upcoming performance evaluation, and that he was going to mark me down for something that I feel is (1) inappropriate and (2) gendered. I pushed back, and he backpedaled hard. Now things are super awkward between us. We had been friends prior to this…I don’t think it’s necessarily appropriate for him to be evaluating me, when that evaluation will be considered for the upcoming promotion… which I’ll be competing for against the person who evaluated me. I don’t know whether to raise this issue to grandboss now, given what my peer has already told me, or to wait and see what’s actually put in writing. Opinions?

    1. Psyche*

      Raise the issue now! It does seem inappropriate for him to do your evaluation when you are competing for the same position. I’m guessing whoever asked him to do it did not think it through. It is easier to point it out now when nothing has actually happened yet than to complain later that it was unfair. It could also look like you just don’t like your review if you wait to see what he writes.

    2. Graciosa*

      I agree, although I would think about what issue is the most important. If the issue related to the potential mark down is a clear screw up on his part, I’d be inclined to lead with that and add on the competition issue at the end. I’m thinking of something along the lines of:

      “Grandboss, Competitor mentioned recently that he was asked to do my performance review, and planned to mark me down for Inappropriate Thing, I pointed out that this was really inappropriate for [reasons] and also surprisingly gender-based for [additional reasons]. Unfortunately, things have been very awkward with him since I raised this, and I’m really uncomfortable with having him perform my review under the circumstances. Would it be possible to have my performance evaluated by a manager with the experience and training not to [do Inappropriate Thing], who is not also competing with me for Promotion? I would much rather avoid any issues by doing it that way up front instead of trying to address them later.”

      If the Inappropriate Thing was bad enough (and Grandboss is an even semi-competent manager) this should not only fix the problem, but also raise serious concerns in Grandboss’ mind about whether Competitor is ready to be promoted. If this doesn’t work (again assuming that Inappropriate Thing was clearly wrong), I would reach out to HR next – but I’m hoping you have a good Grandboss and this takes care of it.

      Good luck!

    3. The New Wanderer*

      I’d raise it now too. Can you ask grandboss to be the reviewer for all of you, since your coworker will also need a review (and others in the group), and if you and coworker are being considered for the new role, coworker shouldn’t have this kind of advantage of reviewing if you don’t also.

      I don’t know whether you should mention what your peer told you about something he was going to write up, though. You called him on it (which, that’s great!) and he walked it back (good outcome for a lousy situation). I would probably raise it if grandboss insists that coworker do the reviews – less about what he might write (though it’s not a non-factor) and more about the fact that he gets to review you and you don’t get to do the same, which could influence how the promotion process works.

    4. Close Bracket*

      I recommend raising the conflict of interest now.

      As to raising the inappropriate and gendered thing, that can backfire as often as it can go right. You know your grandboss better than we do. Do they seem like someone who would be understanding? Considering that they are probably the one who assigned your peer to evaluate you in the first place, I would be really cautious. In a just universe, you would raise the issue, and it would be corrected. We don’t live in a just universe, so you have to judge your own risk tolerance for blowback.

  136. Me*

    My new manager (who is universally despised due to her unprofessionalism, inability to admit when she’s wrong, and being incredibly condescending at all times, among other things) has decided to give us accountants a 2 hour training on how to do journal entries. Here’s the thing. 1) I’ve been doing them for 15 years, others even longer. 2) A little birdie told me that all of her year-end entries were rejected because they were wrong. 3) None of mine have ever been rejected.

    I have been imagining scenarios of how this will go. Like: I walk in and hook my computer into the projector. She comes in and asks me what I am doing. I innocently reply, “I thought I was training you on how to do journal entries?”

    Ok maybe not, but this is really grating on me. The camel’s back is beyond broken at this point.

    Commiseration on small things that your manager does that just seem to dig them even further into the bad manager hole are appreciated!

    3. Argh!*

      eh, just play along and collect your check. If the person running a face-saving sham is your boss, not playing along only hurts you.

      1. JaneB*

        My manager makes “jokes” about all the things “clever people” do – which are always NOT what I just did. It’s so grating

  137. Contractfun*

    When I got my current job right near the end of the process as I was getting the contract, I found out what I thought would be a perm job was actually for a 12 month contract which the HR people assured me would be made permanent at the end. Roll on to many months later as I get to the end of my contract and with a bit of chasing HR have come back with an extension. When I queried this I was told my line manager hadn’t raised the idea of a perm job.
    I immediately went to my Line manager Ned, and raised the issue with him. He agreed with me it was unacceptable and at no point did anyone actually inform him I was under contract!. He came back within the hour saying that he’s been asked to put in a request ( and had to write up a recommendation) to put me on a perm contract. HR have said I should sign the extension as processing this kind of request takes a while and if I did get the perm contract it’d be under the same title and salary I have now so ‘it wouldn’t be an issue’.

    ..Except I think it is? My manager has my back but all he can do is request a perm contract, there’s no confirmation. We have regular performance checks and nothing was said about the promised perm contract not being a done deal or related to any particular criteria . If I’d known I was going to be stuck on fixed term contacts I’d have taken this into consideration when I negotiated pay ( or taking the job) I told the admin person overseeing contract signing that I’m not happy signing the extension until I get some clarification.

    Did I approach this the right way? It felt to me like signing the extension takes away the urgency on HRs side to sort it out. I’d also like some clarification why I’m having to apply for something I felt I was offered. There’s obviously a lesson here about getting stuff in writing, but is there anything else I should have done? Am I right to hold out?

    1. Lil Fidget*

      Oh dear, I agree this is poor behavior on their part. Although if you believed you were salaried I’m a little confused as to what makes it a contract at all – you’re getting benefits, right? You thought the pay was okay for a salaried role. The only difference is that there’s some year-to-year monkey business about renewal (or not) that makes you uncomfortable? If that’s the only holdout, I’d probably sign so that you don’t create a self-fulfilling prophecy where you *don’t* get renewed. Then I would set a mental deadline – three months? – and express to my boss and the company how important this is to you. If they don’t make you a permanent employee within the deadline, I’d start job searching because they’re not committed to doing it (and as you said, without the assurance that they’re expecting to keep you after the year term, you’d want more money). However, if it turns out you’re not getting some benefit that the salaried employees get, I’d change my answer!

      1. Buu*

        I’m getting benefits, but my main concern is the discrepancy between what I was promised and what’s happening, and concerns around job stability and redundancy. As far as a know as a contractor if they want to terminate me they’d give notice ( or not renew) but I’d not get redundancy. If I’m perm I get full protection under the law and if it turns out it’s not salaried I’d like to be paid at contractor rates.

        1. valentine*

          They’re untrustworthy and unhurried in correcting their errors for you. Hold out and give HR a write-up of the difference between what you signed up for and what supposedly is, including any tax burden you now have, what contractor pay you would’ve accepted, and what you’re looking for.

  138. WWonder*

    We recently moved office spaces and I’m now in a (much nicer!) office, in a much more publicly accessible space than before – we had worked before in a suite with a receptionist, and now I have an office basically immediately adjacent to a very busy open common area in a public building.

    The upshot is that I now have to lock my door behind me and carry a key to my office with me every time I leave – several meetings each day, plus bathroom breaks, lunches, etc. I’m finding it surprisingly annoying and hard to accommodate. I’m trying to avoid just carrying a key ring alongside any other materials (seems easy to lose/misplace) but I’m also not super excited to wear a lanyard or something else obtrusive every day. What do other folks (especially folks who often wear dresses, pants without pockets, etc) do in order to facilitate carrying a key around with (primarily) minimum risk of misplacing or leaving behind and (secondarily) minimum overall fashion impact?

    1. KR*

      I have one of those little clips with a wind up string for my work keys. Also, those scrunchy looking things you can put on your arm help too, provided they don’t stretch out. When I worked as a service leader at a grocery store this was a daily thing for me. I had to hold onto the cash drawer keys and the keys to the service desk while running around everywhere and bending over backwards for every customer. A scrunchy thing you have to put on and off your arm, a clip to your belt you can keep on your pants (I like to keep it in my work bag or car when not at work so I don’t forget it at home).

    2. Red Reader*

      Do you have a work badge? Put a key ring (no add-ons, just the metal ring) on it and clip it onto the loop of your badge holder behind your badge.

    3. LCL*

      There are keyboxes available that use a combination lock. I have one at my mom’s house clipped to the outside railing, the Fire Department has the combo. If there is someplace near your office to lock it, and you only use the key for that one location, that could be workable.

  139. Uncanny Valley*

    Termination while on medical leave. Need thoughts on the process/legalities etc.

    This happened a few years ago. At my old job, a co-worker was in a serious auto accident and was out of work for several months.

    He was released from employment while still recovering from his injuries.

    Several people close to the situation said the possible reason the company released him was to avoid paying for the potential medical expenses that would be incurred. There was even concern that an amputation could be possible. (Thankfully avoided)

    He release did have the prospect of re-hire, but he did not know he had lost his job until a co-worker (not a manager or hr) came to the hospital with the possessions from his cubicle.

    Even so, after his recovery, the intention was to return to that job. When asked, HR told him his job could not be held due to company needs. However, another employee went on extended personal leave during that same time, they did hold this person’s job. When he brought this to their attention, they had no answer.

    He did not return to the company, neither did the other person who was on leave.

    One person I spoke to said what they did was illegal.

    Any thoughts, thanks and have a great weekend.

    1. fposte*

      If this is in the US, it sounds likely to be legal; FMLA, assuming he was eligible, only protects your job for twelve weeks, and only a few states offer protection for longer than that (the most I’m seeing is sixteen weeks in DC and CT). They *can* give him longer leave than that if they want to, but they don’t have to just because they once offered longer leave to somebody else (unless the disparity is for a reason forbidden by law).

      A lot of people think that because injury or illness isn’t your fault, you can’t lose your job for absence due to it. Unfortunately, that’s not how the law operates.

    2. Crylo Ren*

      I think there needs to be more detail here before anyone can really say. A cursory Google search does indicate that is very possible and legal for a company to terminate an employee during medical leave – taking leave doesn’t prevent someone from being terminated due to business restructuring, poor performance, etc – but it really depends on factors such as what the official company line is on why your coworker was terminated and if there is documentation to support the rumor that the company fired the employee in retaliation for taking leave. Your coworker really needs to talk to an employment lawyer.

      1. Uncanny Valley*

        Good points. I was not there since I had been run out of town a few months prior.

        Certain it was not retaliation. His leave was amicable but then he was told his job could not be held any longer. This is why he challenged their reason. They were surprised he knew about the other employee. I guess he could have pursued it but chose to move on.

        Sounds like it would have been easier to just say, your leave was exhausted that is why we let you go. They decided to give a different reason. Then it appears they were dragging their feet about bringing him back.

        Still a curiosity in the minds of many. That company was making questionable personnel decisions back then.

        Thanks again, and have a great weekend.

  140. Cat Poster*

    What are the professional conventions for inviting a graduate advisor to your wedding? I’m a second year PhD student in art history and am getting married last summer. I recently got engaged and my advisor, who I’ve known for 2 years, does not know yet. I’d like to invite her (though she’s so busy she probably won’t be able to come) but I don’t whether it would be weird to do so. Thanks!

    3. Reba*

      Greetings fellow art historian! I invited my co-advisors, who are married. (Yes.) The did not attend but sent us a really nice gift! At the time I had known them about two years, too. They are very friendly and open, have students over for occasional dinner parties, and now that I’m out I do consider them as peers/colleagues/friends, so I didn’t hesitate much to invite them.

      Congratulations!

  141. qwertyuiop*

    How do you handle issues/problems that were made *before* you started at your current company? I’ve been at my job for about a year now and there are issues brought up, but they happened before I started. My coworker has been there for 10 years, so it’s something to possibly address with her, but I don’t know how to say it without throwing her under the bus, but I don’t want to be blamed for something that happened before I was at the company.

    1. Lil Fidget*

      Externally, I find it doesn’t really matter – I’m representing my company as manager, so I still have to apologize for mistakes that were made on our behalf, and I have to do my best to try to find out what happened and keep an accurate record and be transparent. Internally there’s a little wiggle room but you can’t use the “I’m new here” excuse for terribly long (six months?). You can say something like, “our policy at that time was different, we did X or Y other practice. I don’t think that was best practice so now we do Z.” But you still have to be well versed in what happened.

    2. Graciosa*

      Don’t focus on this too much. I remember a boss once stopping in the middle of a complaint about something to assure me that he knew it was done before my time.

      I replied that the problem was now on my watch, which meant I *was* responsible.

      That attitude has helped me more than once in my career.

      If you are now in charge or have the power to address something, take ownership and do it. Yes, there are some occasions where you do have to address an issue of misplaced blame (generally privately), but great leaders are more focused on fixing the problem than on assigning blame. Act like that great leader is you.

  142. Mbarr*

    No suggestions needed, just wanted to share a laugh/vent.

    I’m working from home today. The problem is, my dad is visiting. It’s like having “Dad radio” on in the background. He keeps talking to me (mainly reading things aloud), even though I’m obviously working at my laptop. Things he’s talked to me about:
    – Recycling the empty cat food bag on my counter
    – Reading the PayPal privacy policy change to me
    – The hurricane in Florida
    – An OpEd in the paper

    I have nowhere to go since my office is their temporary bedroom. Can I send him to bed so he’ll leave me alone???

    1. Parenthetically*

      Haahahahaha <– sympathy laugh!

      My mom reads a lot, mostly Christian/inspirational/cozy serial fiction, and she just looooves to read me passages from her books when she's visiting.

    3. MechanicalPencil*

      Do you have anything he could fix or do around your place to “help out” while he’s visiting? Take the dog for a walk. Hey, this cabinet door is kinda wonky. My towel bar fell down.

      That’s all I got.

    4. Two Dog Night*

      I sympathize! I work from home full-time, and my husband has every other Friday off. He tends to forget that I don’t. I’ve gotten used to being interrupted every five minutes when he’s around.

      OTOH, he takes care of the mid-day dog walk when he’s off, which makes up for a lot.

    5. Beth Anne*

      my MIL currently lives with us and if I ever got a work from home job I think I’d have to go to the library or a coworking office b/c I feel otherwise I wouldn’t get any work done.

  143. postdoc*

    I have an interview on Monday for a postdoc position. Well, we are meeting to talk, but that is basically a first interview for a postdoc position. My problem is that I am leaving a postdoc position after less than 1 year. There are many reasons that it didn’t work out, but essentially it was a bad fit. I switched fields and joined a very new lab that did not have experienced people to teach me. What is a diplomatic way to say this in the interview when they ask why I am already looking? I don’t want to sound like I am bad mouthing my boss or not capable of doing well in a postdoc position. The new position is in my previous field and essentially doing the same thing I did for my thesis, so I do not foresee similar problems happening. If it helps, I am leaving on good terms with my boss.

    1. Combinatorialist*

      I think you can see that your current position was a field shift that turned out not to be great fit and you are looking to return to your old field where you excelled because [evidence of your good work there]

    2. Reba*

      You can just say “fit,” and you also have the very convenient narrative that you want to return to the work from your thesis and are excited by the opportunity to continue working in that area. Good luck!

  144. anon318*

    Anyone ever had to turn down a “dream job” offer because it didn’t pay enough? I know it’s probably for the best but I’m pretty bummed right now.

    1. MissDisplaced*

      Oh yes!
      Many so-called “dream jobs” won’t pay the rent. Mostly because they are dream jobs to others as well.
      I’ve never been able to do those, even though I would’ve loved to, because a lot of them are stepping stones to great creative careers. But I didn’t have rich parents!

    2. Overeducated*

      Yes, I’ve done it. It sucks, and sometimes I still wonder “what if” – especially as one of my current coworkers recently visited the organization on a trip and came back raving about what amazing work they’re doing…ouch. But we work for money so it’s just objectively the right decision. If it doesn’t fulfill the basic need of sufficient pay then it’s quite literally not worth spending 40+ hours a week doing. I’m sorry you had to make that choice, though.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        Yes, I was seriously considering a job that would have been a huge pay-cut. There were several red flags actually, but I still think about it. I ended up taking a job that was a small salary bump but not as meaningful work, and it will probably shift my whole career in a different direction that may not be as much fun (but more lucrative).

        I know it probably wouldn’t have worked out, and now that I’m trying to buy a house I really appreciate my current salary. But I still think about it.

    3. Kat Maps*

      Yes, I’ve been in this situation before. And admittedly, I do still look back and wonder ‘what-if’ — but realistically I know that it was for the better. I’ve consoled myself by thinking that if I had taken the job, I would be so stressed financially and emotionally, that it wouldn’t have been much of a ‘dream job’ in the end. I’m really sorry you’re left feeling this way.

    4. Traveler*

      Yep. It was the job I’d worked my whole life for, but they were set on salary and it just wasn’t enough to relocate for. I still think about it wistfully sometimes, but it is what it is. It wouldn’t have been a dream if I couldn’t pay my bills.

  145. That Would be a Good Band Name*

    Because I’m obsessing…have you ever had a company do a background check and request references and then NOT make an offer? I’ve always had an offer that was contingent on these things and not have them done first. Just wondering what the chance is that they’ll do this for more than one applicant and then decide. I have no worries about my background check or my references. I know that references can be used as a tie-breaker, but the background check gives me a lot of hope that they are planning on making an offer.

    1. indyrox*

      Reference checks yes, background check no. Background checks cost money, but the employer could just be really into wasting money.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        At a huge company I could see this, although I’ve never had it happen. As you say, reference is not-infrequently a tiebreaker between two good candidates, IMO reference check means they already want to hire you and are just checking for big red flags. I have had employers ask for both permissions in one breath, not planning to actually proceed on the background unless the reference is good. But I’d still take it as a good sign if they were talking background check.

    2. Argh!*

      Absolutely. Sometimes they do the checking on everyone who made it to that final level. If they’re in a hurry to hire, they’d rather check two people and have one of them be disqualified than to have to wait for that first person to be disqualified and have to start over on the checking.

      So the possibilities: 1) you flunked the check or 2) you passed the check but so did the person who ultimately got the job.

    3. ..Kat..*

      I think you have standing to ask what happened with the background check and references. The answer to this could lead to an error in either of those, or something true that you did not expect.

  146. Herman X.*

    Probably a silly question, but can hiring managers rescind a job offer or immediately fire you again based on your previous performance at the company? If so, how often does this happen?

    I was let go at my last job for “under-performance.” Both my manager and the HR rep assured me that my reason for leaving would be confidential between me and my boss, and that potential employers would only be told my dates of employment. Well, I was recently contacted about another open position at the same company. Although I thought about using my previous five years at the company as leverage, I ultimately passed on the opportunity given my negative experiences.

    But this got me thinking – if I received and accepted the offer, would the new manager have access to my old personnel file so? If so, would it be likely that the offer would be rescinded?

    1. CAA*

      That kind of confidentiality doesn’t apply to future positions at the same company. It’s very likely that you are not rehirable there and would not actually get an offer from them. Even if you and the new hiring manager had a verbal agreement, when she contacted HR to start the offer process, the HR person would look up your previous file and tell the hiring manager that she could not move forward with you.

      1. Herman X.*

        Thanks for the response.

        I know every company is different, but how much say does HR typically have in the hiring process?

        I’m under the impression that anyone not marked as “ineligible for rehire” is fair game. The HR rep told me that only people who are fired for misconduct would be put on the do-not-rehire list, but I’ve also heard some people say otherwise.

        For the record, the company in question is Amazon.

        1. CAA*

          With a large company like this, I really think that the only way this wouldn’t come out during the offer process is if you hid your past stint with them by leaving it off your resume. Any sensible hiring manager who sees that you’ve worked there before is going to call her HR rep and ask if there are any red flags in your personnel file. I have done that myself, and it’s literally the first thing I do if I get a resume from someone who’s worked there before. If the hiring manager doesn’t do it for some reason, then the HR person should do it before putting the offer together. With a smaller company that has a lot of turnover, and maybe not the most organized files, you might be able to slip in under the radar, but that is not going to happen at Amazon.

          Now, it may be that they see that your file is not marked as “do not rehire” and they are willing to give you another chance and hire you anyway. That depends entirely on the hiring manager, her manager, and how much influence that particular HR person has.

          If you did try to hide this by leaving your past work at Amazon off your resume, that will come out on your first day when they enter your SSN into the personnel system. That will likely get you fired pretty quickly.

        2. MsCende*

          From both my husband’s and my ex’s experience, Amazon does not rehire (not that I want either of them to go back there) except in very special circumstances. It doesn’t matter what kinds of terms you left on, they won’t bring you back – they’re very attached to “you left, now move on”.”

          Most people are not marked as “not eligible for rehire” unless there’s misconduct involved, but it’s generally known that’s the basic status anyway.

    2. Close Bracket*

      People *can* rescind job offers or fire you immediately for any reason at all or even no reason if you work in an at-will state. The likelihood of someone doing that is kind of a crap shoot.

  147. Incantanto*

    Went to visit shiny new labs today.

    Shiny new labs are beimg retrofitted with gas, compressed air and vacuum as the builders can’t read plans.

    Entire r and d team got locked in cleanroom and had to call for rescue due to malfunctioning airlock system. Shiny new labs are shiny but useless till these things are fixed.

    We have a fixed move date in fuve weeks. Only 9 months behimd schedule. I hope my company are berating these contractors for incompetence.

  148. Kat Maps*

    Not looking for advise as much as I’m just looking to vent a bit…
    Yesterday, my manager asked me to act as a translator for a phone conversation that took place today (this is not a requirement of my job). I’ve explained on a few occasions in the past that while my ability to read, write, and comprehend the language are all fine, I really don’t get to speak it much anymore so I’m not a confident speaker. Despite knowing this, I was still asked to act as a translator. As anticipated, I got flustered, and now I’m left feeling vulnerable and kind of foolish. My manager seemed totally fine with how it turned out and she was thankful, but I’m more concerned with how I was perceived by the other involved party. So I’m left feeling pretty deflated this Friday afternoon.

    1. KR*

      If you manager is so set on you being a translator could you ask her to allocate work hours to attending a language class either virtually or in person?

    2. whistle*

      Ugh. I can commiserate. My boss once asked me to translate a *contract* into a language I studied in college that I have never claimed proficiency in – let alone fluency – let alone legalese fluency! He is not the type to be deterred by meek protests of “yeah, I don’t think I’m able to do that.” I had to just keep repeating “I don’t know how to say that” until he got it.

      Could you go to your boss next week and say something like “I’ve been thinking about the translation task last week, and I really think there were some important things I didn’t pick up on. I would hate to present the company with incorrect or incomplete information, so I would prefer to not do translation again.” My boss would not go for that type of conversation, but maybe yours would?

  149. DaffyDuck*

    Did I mess up on my annual review? I didn’t get as much of a raise as I was expecting.
    My company has us fill our a list of questions prior to our annual review. One of the questions is if we are thinking of leaving the company. I answered that I love my job working for this company (I do!) and have no plans on leaving.
    I have volunteered to take on extra duties, they are *very* pleased with my work, etc. but I do a fairly specialized job that pretty much always has plenty to do and there isn’t any advancement/promotion track. It is hard to find comparable jobs to figure out what average wages, and we were told discussing salary in this company is a fireable offence. Company is medium-size and growing.
    Did specifically saying I have no plans on leaving cut my chances of a better raise?

    1. CatCat*

      I doubt it. If your company is the kind of place that says discussing salary is a fireable offense (WTF), I doubt they’ve ever gotten an honest answer to the question on whether one is thinking of leaving the company.

      I get that you love it there, but they have a jacked up policy on discussing salary and that to me seems like the kind of place that would fire you for thinking about leaving.

      1. DaffyDuck*

        Yeah, that was my thought also and part of why I answered as I did. Lots of really great stuff about this place, but the quirks are pretty big. When I started coworkers warned me not to wear slacks or button-downs (not even a suite) as it makes you look like you are interviewing somewhere else. Jeans and ts are the way to go.

        1. DaffyDuck*

          Oops, that should be suit. Definitely never wear a suit here, but the boss disliking shirts with buttons is strange.

    2. Reba*

      This is sort of an aside to your question, but in the US forbidding people from discussing salary is very much not legal, unless your company is not covered by the NLRA or you work in payroll. The NLRB has given many decisions that protect employees’ right to discuss their wages.

      1. fposte*

        Or you’re defined as a supervisor. NLRB decisions tend to skew to a narrow definition on that, so a lot of people who think they are supervisors would probably not be considered so under the NLRA, but it is still a significant exemption.

  150. Be the Change*

    Is management one of those things where you (and everyone else) never notice all the things you do RIGHT but everything you do wrong is just glaringly obvious and never forgotten?

    …it’s beginning to feel like all I do is blunder, and yet my department’s work is in demand, we get lots of appreciation from clients, people are not leaving for greener pastures, and when I talk to people regularly one on one and ask them point blank if they have concerns or things they would like to address, they never have anything.

    1. fposte*

      It sounds like people are noticing things you’re doing right, though. Do you mean people don’t congratulate you personally on your team’s success? You’ve made your team’s successes possible, so those are very much noticing things you’ve done right.

      But there is definitely a housekeeping element to the job where the stuff that didn’t go right is more visible than the stuff that did (and also that you have to keep doing that stuff over and over again).

    2. Crylo Ren*

      Why are you getting the sense that all you do is blunder? Is that spurred by any comments you’ve received? Is this tendency to focus on the negatives one that you happen to have in general – not just at work?

      It sounds like other people *are* noticing all of the things you’re doing right; there’s a lot of evidence right in your post that you’re doing fine.

    3. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

      A. Every team blunders from time to time. If a team doesn’t make a mistake from time to time then they are either hiding them or blaming someone else.

      B. You see all the dirty laundry, outsiders see what you show them (and results!)

      C. If you’re asking for feedback and not getting any, chances are your team is doing a great job. People like to bitch! If your team wasn’t getting it done, you wouldn’t have to ask, you’d be hearing about it from all over.

      D. Be really careful about focusing on the negative. You need to encourage and support your team and celebrate the wins without having to rely on outside praise and feedback. Remember all the dirty laundry from B? Yeah, this means that you know how hard your team works through all of that to get the job done. You need to be the one to praise them for the things that you know they’ve done that no one else will ever notice.

    4. LGC*

      Oh man, I feel so much for you right now. (I’m not even joking, I do!)

      So, I’ll work backwards, and say…it’s generally really hard to get people to open up, I think! You’re asking people to tell their boss that they’re doing something wrong to their face (which is what it sounds like), and this is something that’s hammered into a lot of people’s heads as something that is Just Not Done because The Boss Is Right. (They’re not. Because that would mean I’m always right, and I know for sure that that’s not the case.) If you’re able to have a more anonymous system for feedback, consider it!

      Moreover, I feel like…management may be one of those jobs where an excellent job means that things are working properly. It’s more of a maintenance role rather than a creation role, so if your employees are satisfied with their path and advancing decently, and your KPIs are on point, and your clients are happy…that’s what’s supposed to happen! To be honest, my ideal scenario is where I’m not needed because I’ve set things up so well to work without me. (And yes, I just said that I want to make myself obsolete.)

      Also, if Yelp is any indication, people love to complain. I know I have that tendency too – which is something I’m working on. I’m not saying that you should dismiss any complaints out of hand, but it’s not really reflective of your job.

      Finally, if you’re like me…you probably have a natural tendency to fixate on the negative. (And I think this is just really common (and dare I say normal) human behavior – we tend to react more to negative stimulus than positive ones.) If you scroll up to Nervous Accountant’s thread about what flaws a good employee or manager can have, I was really definite in my flaws, but a lot iffier with my positives. Part of that is modesty (or rather, trying to appear modest), but part of that is…you know, I’m not really sure on my positives. But I know when I fail and can recall that clearly.

      One thing I’ve tried to learn how to do is to forgive the fact that I’m not perfect, despite my hopes and desires to be so, and that small mis-steps aren’t the end of the world. In a way, I almost try to detach myself from my foul-ups – maybe I forgot to do something, maybe I wasn’t as nice as I should have been, maybe I was late. And all of these are bad and shouldn’t happen! But also, like…me being curt with Fergusina as she hovers over my desk again to ask for something routine is not going to kill Fergusina. I need to be more polite with her, of course, and next time I’ll be more polite (and probably discuss her behavior BEFORE that next time comes around), but it’s like…it happened, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure as a person and as a professional, I can and should find ways to minimize the chances of it happening again. Maybe, instead of saying, “Fergusina, I’m busy, can you come back in five minutes?” I can say, “Hey, I’ll be with you shortly, remind me if I don’t get you in ten minutes.” Maybe I can explain that because I’m a supervisor, I have to discuss other employees sometimes, and while I didn’t mean to be so abrupt with her, I was also writing an email to my coworker about a disciplinary issue with another employee and I didn’t want her to see what I was writing.

      Finally, I try to listen hard for the small things. Like, a thank you when I fix something (or even just that the thing is fixed!), employees opening up to me, even just fewer problems coming down the pike.

      It’s a whole mess of teal deer, but: I’m pretty sure you are doing a good job, and listen really hard for the small things!

  151. Oaktree*

    I’ve been volunteering for a charity (remotely) for the last month or so, and it’s increasingly clear to me it’s not a good fit. (Stress over this is also kind of taking a toll on my mental health.) How do I quit? I want to send an email, but most of the ones I’ve seen online are a) formal and b) give-your-two-weeks-notice kinds of things. I think if this were a regular gig that would make sense, but given the short amount of time and limited amount of work I’ve done for this, I don’t want to give two weeks; I just want to be done. How do I do this?

    1. Andrea*

      You’re a volunteer. You can just send an email that says, “Thank you for the opportunity to volunteer for your organization. I am unable to continue volunteering due to other commitments, I wish you all the best.” or something to that effect.

    2. Deloris Van Cartier*

      If it’s organization that regularly works with volunteers, they should be aware that volunteers may quit all the sudden as that’s one of the benefits of being a volunteer verse a staff member. An email should be just fine and it can be short and sweet. The one thing that I have found helpful when people have needed to leave a volunteer role suddenly is a brief download of anything they’ve been working on and any documents or resources they’ve been using or created. Sometimes this isn’t necessary if they aren’t working on a project but if you have anything you want to pass it over, send it with your email so they don’t have to come back and ask you for it.

  152. Book Badger*

    I forgot to mention this last week (when it was more current), but I got turned down from a job I was in the top two candidates for. I wrote them back and asked for feedback, and they said that they were impressed that I asked for feedback since it’s apparently very rare, gave me feedback (they went with someone who had two years of experience on me), and encouraged me to try again when I’m more experienced!

    Had I not looked here, I wouldn’t have know to ask for feedback or how to ask even if I knew! Thanks, Allison!

  153. lifesp*

    So… I have an issue with a sleeping coworker. It started about 4 months ago. My coworker falls asleep at their desk and in doing so breaths in a way that is somewhat distracting.
    The way that our office setup is, I think that I am the only person who regularly notices this happening. The first time I noticed I politely let them know and asked if they were okay (based on AAM’s advice). They let me know they weren’t feeling well so didn’t sleep great the night prior. Since then it happens almost weekly and I’m still not sure if anyone notices. The past few times their head drops towards their desk! I don’t know if it is affecting their work, and I’m probably being way too sensitive but it is affecting mine by being distracted. It stresses me out because I get worried someone else will notice (why would this worry me? it’s none of my business and I should just mind my own business but for some reason it does!). Sometimes when I notice it happening I go work elsewhere in the office.

    I know. I’m being dramatic. I know that there is a multitude of health issues that can cause the sleeping. The question that lingers is whether I tell my boss? I share a boss with the person in question but our work overlaps 0%, so the sleeping doesn’t affect me directly. But I am not sure if it affects my boss. I’m really, really torn because the only line of sight I have is that it bothers me a lot, but I have know idea how or if it affects anyone else. Help??

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      I’m a bad person but TBH I would say something to my boss. It’s just terrible for my morale to be sitting next to someone who is literally asleep on the job. I’d say “I have to be honest, I’m finding it a little disconcerting that Bob is so regularly asleep at his desk and it’s actually pretty distracting to me. I did mention it to him once but it’s not something I feel comfortable addressing again. I wonder if he could use information about our employee EAP or FMLA?” Your boss may share that they’re already aware or that they’re not concerned, but at least I’d feel like I didn’t work at a place where it was okay for someone to sleep all day. Others would probably say since it doesn’t affect you you should MYOB but c’mon people.

    2. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

      Not fun. I totally get why it bothers you. I can’t say I’d be too pleased sitting next to someone sleeping while I was trying to work. I’m not going to lie… even if there’s nothing else affecting me about the situation, just knowing that I’m working while Sleepy Sam is taking a nap would bother me.

      Surely it affects your boss or someone. And if you are moving away from him and disrupting your work it is affecting you. I guess if it were me I’d probably mention it to the boss. Although I’d try to do it in a nonchalant sort of way…

      “Oh, boss, if you need to find me I’ll be in the conference room for awhile. Oh, Sleepy Sam is sleeping again and it’s a little distracting. Not a big deal for me to relocate when he does this.”

      Or you could go the direct route:
      “Boss, this is so awkward to discuss, but it’s starting to affect my work and I need to mention it. Sleepy Sam has been falling asleep at their desk for about 4 months. It doesn’t seem like something that would affect me and my productivity, but I’ve found that I’ve been moving to work in a different location because it all seems so awkward. I know. I might be making a bigger deal of this than it should be . I know that there is a multitude of health issues that can cause the sleeping. And you are probably already aware that something is going on. But it’s just not working for me, what do you suggest?”

      1. lifesp*

        Thank you! I think the second script would be more appropriate within my office/culture. I do want to be sensitive about it but also mention that yes it’s very awkward but it has been bothering me on an ongoing basis.

        Thanks!

    3. LCL*

      Jobs are full of coworkers that bother us. And sometimes we are the coworkers that bother others. I would be concerned coworker is unwell. When he nods off, I would ask him if he is OK. If he says yes, as long as it isn’t the kind of job where a nap is a safety issue, let it go. We are all human, our bodies all betray us sometimes. If he is nodding off so often that his performance is affected, management will figure it out.

    4. Ender Wiggin*

      It sounds like you just asked him about it once when it happened the first time? I think before going to your boss you should ask him about it again. Does he realise its happening so much? Is he aware of the noises he makes? If he has a medical condition is he aware he can ask for accommodations? Is he aware it is distracting you? The answers to those questions might give you more of an idea how to deal with it.

  154. Gaia*

    I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated with people asking about my job search. No, I haven’t found a job. No, I haven’t heard back from many (MANY) of the places I applied. Rinse. Repeat. Every conversation. The only addition I get is “but the job market is soooooooo strong right now” which is true…kind of. I live in an area with a lot of people hiring, but the wages for those jobs are exceptionally low (around a 75% pay cut) and not at all in line with my career. Which means I have two options: 1 is to move which I am really opposed to doing and 2 is to find a job that will let me work remotely full time which is proving difficult.

    Ugh. Argh. Blech.

    1. user5258*

      I’m currently going through that myself, so I feel your pain.

      E.g. I told someone some time ago I wasn’t physically able to think about dating till I find a new job. He contacts me every second week proposing a meeting and is oh so surprised I haven’t found a job yet and it’s impossible I haven’t found anything, is it?

      I don’t feel like meeting him at all anymore.

      1. Meredith Brooks*

        wait, this person is asking you out on a date every 2 weeks? And then guilts you after you tell him you haven’t found a new job? My spidey senses are tingling…

    2. Triplestep*

      Ugh, me too. The best is when they ask “why don’t you call them?” after hearing how common it is to be ghosted after in-person interviews.

      Oh, yeah – why didn’t I think of that? I’m sure they’ll take my call and tell me “oh yes we’ve been meaning to hire you! We’ll get right on that!”

    3. Anon Alfredo Pasta*

      lmao. i just straight up tell people. “how about i’ll tell you when i get a job, and you can stop asking” (and sometimes forget to respond bc we stop talking so i dont even have to talk)

      yeah, i thought usually when there’s lots of jobs hiring it’s part time service/food service/retail industry, for the lowest level.

      and, good luck with job search.

      1. Gaia*

        Exactly. I went into this knowing it might be 6+ months before I get an offer I want. I was surprised when 4 weeks in an offer was made and when I declined it I had to deal with “omg but whhhhhyyyyy” from nearly everyone. Why? Because it wasn’t a good enough offer and indicated the company wasn’t a good fit for me.

        The jobs hiring (especially this time of year) are service focused, and often temporary. If I had to take a job, or if that is where my career was focused, I would have one of those within 2 weeks easily (in this area, with the job market as it currently stands). But I’d be unhappy and I wouldn’t earn nearly enough. So instead I wait. If I can be okay with that, I cannot understand why others feel the need to pester me about it.

  155. user5258*

    I work at a dysfunctional office and has been screamed at repeatedly in the last months for e.g. asking questions or making proposals or the opposite, not asking questions or making proposals and of course, the tone of my voice.

    Anyway, I wrote an email to the boss today. I spent at least 30 minutes thinking about how to word it correctly. But the more I think about it, the more I’m sure I wrote things which can be misconstrued as rude or bossy and used against me.

    At this point I’m panicky.

    I know I’m overthinking, but it’s Friday and I won’t know what the reaction was till at least Monday.

    Any advice?

    1. fposte*

      Jobsearch? This sounds like a bad place that’s going to leave you having to unlearn some reactions to toxicity when you go.

      For this weekend? Remember that in the larger scheme of things this is not a large thing, and give your brain more enjoyable things to think about for a while. Your panic does not help you–it will tell you that it does, but it lies. You’ve done what you needed to do, it was reasonable, and you can’t control the reactions of unreasonable people. Sorry you’re being faced with that.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Anything can be misconstrued and used against you if you’re being gaslit.

      I know that doesn’t sound comforting, but the point is, if your boss is that much of an abusive jerk, there’s literally nothing you can say or do that will not trigger verbal abuse. So, basically, it has zero to do with you at all. Anything anyone does or says is a trigger for abuse.

      It’s not you, it’s your boss.

      Good luck, and please let us know how it turned out.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Being screamed at on a regular basis is not acceptable. Are you able to polish up your resume and see what other jobs are available to you?

  156. Short Girl*

    I’m bummed. My husband just earned his real estate license this week. He worked hard for it (testing is hard for him). He took the classes on weekends so they wouldn’t interfere with work and he is going with a firm that offers a part-time evening track so that he could make a transition without killing our budget.

    Well, he posted on Facebook that he passed his test – and was fired the next day! He had a discussion with his manager on what his plans were (to start part time in the evenings/weekends) and to hopefully be able to do real estate full time by January, given them plenty of time to train someone. Not to mention, he was in HVAC and we are coming into the slower season, so a good time for him to transition without hurting the business.

    His manager was fine with it, it was the higher ups that saw the Facebook post, were upset and wanted him gone. That day. No severance. And I’m sure they will fight unemployment, if he would even qualify since he is signing with a firm.

    Lesson learned – can’t be honest and straight forward with a business and expect everyone to act like adults. It’s like they took personal offense that someone wanted to do something else!

    1. Lil Fidget*

      Oh I’m sorry, that sucks of them. His manager should have either been able to warn him that this would create a problem for the higher-ups or defend him after the fact. Poorly done on their part.

    2. LurkieLoo*

      That’s horrible! He should definitely file for unemployment ASAP. They might try to fight it, but it doesn’t sound to me like they’d win. We fired an employee for well documented cause and she still received unemployment.

    3. Rebecca*

      I’m wondering what the problem is – he’s in HVAC – and got a real estate license to sell real estate. Not sure what the conflict could be? I know several people who have full time jobs and do real estate on the side. I hope he gets unemployment!

    4. Triplestep*

      I work in the building trades and this is SO short-sighted of them. Had they maintained a good relationship with him, he could have been recommending them to future Real Estate clients.

      Has he considered taking on work with another HVAC company as an independent contractor? There’s a lot of construction work right now – they may want his help on a per/job basis.

    5. green*

      Depending on the culture of his real estate office and what he did in HVAC, he could also get work through other agents for their clients. New listings often need some work before they’re ready to go on the market!

    6. nonegiven*

      As long as he has an active license and insurance, he can do HVAC as a DBA. The problem is if his job was supplying your health insurance.

      At the least, I’d get a supply of cards from every other HVAC company in the area to hand out if anyone asks.

  157. Nervous Accountant*

    re: boss’ day

    Yall……I caved and got my mgr a card for “boss’s day” on 10/16 (I know i know people here hate that holiday lol!) its only a few people who I know will not mind signing it, and no money involved. Truth is, he’s also a friend, a huge part of why I come to work and I’m glad he exists just as a human being. We were good before, but he’s been there for some of the worst days of my life this year. I just feel like writing that but I feel like it’d be so lame. ugh.

    2. green*

      I don’t think it would be lame. I bet he would really appreciate hearing that from you. You could give him the card just from you, or make it a more general appreciation/thank you card. Doesn’t have to be about boss’s day.

  158. Argh!*

    My boss has a few pets, and I’m not one of them. We were in a meeting with me, my boss, her pets, and a few other people today and one of her pets introduced a question with an apology for speaking up (yes, the women here apologize all the time) and said “I have to leave in a few minutes to do [impressive-sounding thing that’s really just part of my job duties.]”

    I stayed to the end, then took a little time to get some coffee, and went a little late to my next meeting, which started right after that meeting. Guess who was there?

    The pet.

    And my boss.

    And one of the other pets.

    So apparently the way to get to be a pet is to lie about all the great and wonderful things you do all day? Why didn’t someone tell me? I have serious doubts about everything she’s said to me now, and I have even more serious doubts about my boss than I used to.

    I went to graduate school for this job, and nobody told me I would have to be a bald-faced liar in this profession!!!!!!

    If I’d known that, I would have gone to law school! :-p

    1. Temperance*

      There’s a lot of attorneys here, and I don’t think any of us would agree that we’re “bald-faced liar(s)”. Ugh.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’m not sure why you think this person was lying? She told you and your boss she had to go do something. And your evidence that she didn’t was that she was at another meeting with you and your boss shortly thereafter? If she was lying to make herself seem busy and then not seeming busy by being at another meeting, why would she do both things in front of your mutual boss?

      Also, as someone who has on occasion been snarky and had a bad atttitude, my job performance and life satisfaction went up when I made a conscious effort to stop. You sound kinda bitter… your life and job might be more satisfying if you let some of that go.

    3. valentine*

      Focus on your sphere of influence and do as well as you can while resetting the boss/pets as background noise. When you feel good about how you’re doing, reassess whether you want to stay or find (a) better company.

    4. Alianora*

      I’m sorry you’re in a job that you’re so frustrated with. Sounds like you’re in BEC-mode with your coworkers, because without knowing the history there, none of what they did sounds like a big deal at all. Like Cheesesteak said, it doesn’t seem obvious to me that she was lying. And while the need to apologize before you speak can be an indication of a sexist environment (although sometimes people are just from apologetic cultures), I don’t know why you would fault your coworker for it.

      Not saying that you’re wrong to be frustrated at your job btw. If you’re at this level of frustration and anger, it may be time to look for a new job.

  159. Pathfinder Ryder*

    After work yesterday (Friday for me) I received a verbal job offer I’m incredibly excited about, with the written offer to come on Monday. It’s in a field I’m interested in and paying significantly more than my current role (though that’s because current role is underpaid and aware of this). I can’t believe I’m looking forward to Monday!

    Thank you to Alison for this website – I’ve been job hunting for ages and got more interviews this year after targeting jobs I’m specifically interested in rather than applying for everything I’m remotely qualified for and rewriting my CV and cover letter in line with your advice, and the ball started rolling incredibly fast on this application after I sent a thank you for the interview. I’d been told at the interview that they had more interviews to do this week so I’m still a little in shock at how quickly the rest of my hiring process went.

  160. anonypissed*

    I cried at work yesterday. No one saw, I managed to slip outside before it happened, but its like something broke and now I don’t want to be around any of my coworkers. Or my company.

    I’ve dealt with so much worse at previous jobs, so I feel like I shouldn’t be taking this so hard. Usually when I call out sexist or inappropriate behavior I just get ignored or mocked or someone awkwardly changes the subject. But this time the guy went on the offense, aggressively telling me to go away and that I don’t belong.

    Half my team was part of that conversation, including my manager. They just pretended I wasn’t getting harangued and started their own side conversation. Today I got to spend my morning listening to the same group loudly making inappropriate jokes but just didn’t have the courage to say anything. I hate that I feel so defeated.

    1. ContractQuestioner*

      Anonypissed, I am so very sorry you’re enduring this awful environment.

      You deserve to feel safe and respected at work, and it’s truly unfortunate that your co-workers continually violate this basic code of conduct. Please be good to yourself and look into employment laws in your state about your rights to be treated professionally and not to be made a scapegoat or verbally abused.

      Above all, know that you are not responsible for your colleagues’ behavior and their response to your fair critique is inappropriate, immature and unacceptable.

    2. Triplestep*

      I’m sorry this happened to you; it sucks to be treated badly at work, especially in front of others. Crying at work is worse than crying anywhere else I think!

      I am compelled to ask what you mean by “calling out” sexist or inappropriate behavior? Where you confrontational? If so, is there a better way to handle this that doesn’t leave you in tears?

      In college I called out a guy in front of other people for using the word “rape” as if it were a fun activity. (i.e “They are out carousing, drinking and raping people and we’re stuck here!”) It didn’t go well. I cried. Then a friend of mine wisely told me “you need to figure out a way to say this stuff so that it doesn’t impact you or come back to bite you. Because HE is not crying in the bathroom right now!” This was a long time ago (30+ years) and I still remember because she was right!

      I cried a little at work today, too, in my car after having been verbally abused over the phone by a electrical subcontractor. He raised his voice, talked over me, interrupted and then hung up on me. I called him back and (I needed an answer from him) and he yelled at me again. I didn’t call him out – I called his boss. I told him what happened, and I told him the guy would be on no more of my projects. I’m not always in a position to make pronouncements like this, but hopefully this one jerk will know why he’s not getting more business from my company, and I didn’t have to confront him.

      I hope you have a relaxing weekend, and that things seem better on Monday.

    3. valentine*

      You deserve a safe workplace. Leave them to their -isms and look forward to getting a job with people who can behave professionally. If you can use headphones or earplugs, go for it. If not, when they start up, softly sing to yourself, “Not my circus, not my sexists” and find a place of peace.

  161. Anon for UX Research Question*

    Anyone here do UX Research/Design and able to comment on the “bootcamp” type UX programs out there? Are they worth it? Do you hire out of them? Are some better than others?

    I’m an applied anthropologist and there are very few jobs in my field, but the skills are very transferable to UX Research. I’m currently doing qualitative research and program management in healthcare. My PhD is academic, but I’ve been doing applied work for the past 6 years (two of which were doing research for a software company, but not technically UX research). I’m interested in pivoting to UX research, but I don’t think I can market myself effectively without some more UX/human centered design specific skills. Is doing a bootcamp program worth it? I’m not interested in being a designer–I want to stick with research and insights.

  162. green*

    I work as an office admin/office manager in a branch office for a woman who’s the best boss I’ve ever had. We get along really well and have a great working relationship and mutual appreciation. I love my job– but it is way below my experience and education level, and the pay matches. I’ve been in this role for a year.

    A manager position at the corporate office has opened up and I told my boss I was interested in it. She knows that I won’t be in my current position forever, but she (jokingly) said, “You can’t leave me!” I told her I didn’t plan to make a move any time soon, but that’s the kind of opportunity I’m interested in in the future.

    A week later, while they were away at a conference, my boss mentioned this to the VP who’s part of the hiring for this position. When she called me for our daily check-in, she told me this, and said that the VP seemed interested. But also that she told the VP “You can’t have her!”

    I emailed the VP a day or two later (we have met multiple times and she knows me by name) and told her I was interested in the position. She emailed me back right away and said “We should talk.” Now, next week, VP is coming to our office for a different reason and emailed me to say that we should get coffee after to “catch up.”

    I know I have to say something to my awesome boss but I feel kind of icky about it. I know she wants the best for me but I also know she’ll be unhappy and possibly have a hard time finding someone to replace me (honestly, the role I’m in is underpaid in general which is why they’ve been having trouble hiring for it at other offices too — we do way more than a typical office manager, I think).

    Oh, and to throw in a monkey wrench, I’m pregnant and will be going on maternity leave for 3 months starting in mid December.

    1. Triplestep*

      You have a great boss who is helping you develop your career, which is great. I think you should take her little comments the way she means them: Jokingly. She is using humor to make sure you know she is not pushing you out, and that she values you. If she truly did not want you to leave she would not have mentioned you VP. She’d have sabotaged your chances, but it sounds like that’s not who she is. Everyone here is behaving well – enjoy it!

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      She and the other managers need to make a case for compensating that role appropriately. Guilting people into staying because she is personally awesome is not sustainable and poor business strategy on the company’s part and in this case not fair to you. She will live.

    3. valentine*

      Do you have to tell your boss every move you’re making here? Try not caring about the impact on your boss. I find the comments annoying and wouldn’t be convinced they’re benign. I hope the VP doesn’t pull this crap and that this works out for you.

  163. neverjaunty*

    Having comment threads open only for Fridays and weekends isn’t a zero comment section system – and it seems like it’s the least worst of the available options. You really don’t like moderating; volunteer moderators are problematic for all the reasons you’ve noted; wholly unmoderated comment sections become cesspools that may well damage your site’s brand; and most importantly, the comment section doesn’t drive money or engagement to the rest of AAM for you.

    I mean, Captain Awkward regularly closes comments sections when she doesn’t have time or inclination to deal with a particularly contentious letter, and people aren’t leaving in droves or clogging up open comments sections whining about it.

  164. EAS*

    My question has to do with Allison’s recent post about declining job offers (which was very helpful). What about when it’s an *internal* job offer? Are there different norms/standards in that case?

    I’m considering applying for an internal position at my current job, but I’m not entirely sure that I’d want it if offered. Because it’s internal, and because we’re a federal agency so the job is pretty standardized, I don’t expect I’d learn anything substantially new & different about the position in the course of interviewing. So in a situation like this, would it look really bad if someone applied and then ended up declining the offer? I work in the same department now so I definitely don’t want to burn any bridges or leave people thinking I’ve lead them on and shouldn’t be trusted.

    1. BRR*

      It can be tricky. Because it’s internal, it’s assumed you want the role and will accept. If you decline it, you need to be ready to give a good explanation.

  165. Cs*

    One of my favourite colleagues just resigned!! :(((( does anyone have any good suggestions for a goodbye gift?

    1. Sarah G*

      What about treating your colleague to lunch (or happy hour) and giving them a nice card? That’s what I would do.

  166. Elenia*

    So..a really toxic employee of mine quit today, in a fury. It wasn’t a good place for her; she was bringing down morale, and seemed to be miserable like clockwork. I followed all of Allison’s steps and tried everything. I have never had such a bad relationship with an employee. For example, a volunteer literally said “We sent the x reports in on this date” and she emailed him and me saying for him not to accuse her and not to email us again. Every time I tried to gently correct her she’d threaten to quit. Something like this happened like clockwork every 2-3 days, no matter how much instruction and help I provided.
    What depresses the shit out of me is that it didn’t have to be like this. My HR person would not give me the authority to fire her, kindly, when we knew it wasn’t working out! Or even attempt to transition her to a new role. If I could have just done that we wouldn’t have had to have all of this drama. Why don’t they let you have these kinds of decisions? What’s the point if you don’t have real authority? :(

    1. 653-CXK*

      Think of it this way: your toxic, insubordinate employee quit. By the looks of it, she won’t be asking you for a reference, but if she does, you can tell them with a clear conscience (and in as full detail as you like) how bad she was. If she applies for unemployment benefits, your company will most likely deny her. She’ll go to another company, and the company will not tolerate her obnoxious antics, and they will not hesitate to fire her when she gets out of line.

      The best thing: morale will improve almost immediately (if it hasn’t already) and you can find employees who won’t fight you every step of the way.

    3. LGC*

      Oh man. I’m sorry this is late, and I hope you see this – but this was not your fault. And also – apologies to Alison, but her words aren’t magic! (I think she would agree with me here, though.) You had an employee that by all means sounded like she was determined to be unhappy, and…honestly, you did everything you could.

      And to be quite honest, although it didn’t end up being resolved the way you would have wanted it to, it’s still…resolved, you know? She’s out of your org (and honestly, it sounds like she’s not eligible for unemployment, since it doesn’t seem like you forced her out). That’s probably the only way this situation could be solved, really.

      Going forward, though – I hope you don’t have any other employees like that, but that behavior itself is problematic. I hope you documented all of her issues, and if you didn’t – definitely do it if there is a next time! It sounds like you don’t have hiring authority (like me), but if you’re in a similar boat to me…you can have some influence on what goes on. (Or at least I try to.) Lay out the case as clearly as possible to whoever does have hiring authority so they can make an informed decision.

    4. WellRed*

      Why does HR have the authority to tell you what to do? Where’s your boss in this? Get some clarification on hiring and firing power. And I agree with everyone this is not your fault!

      1. Elenia*

        Thank you all. I do feel better this morning. She was a stressful employee and I guess I am not that surprised, but I am still sorry about the way it went down.

        My HR partner is really good…except she is really reluctant to fire. in every other way she is the best HR partner I have ever had.

  167. Jo*

    What’s the general rule of thumb/what to do when planning for something? I started a new job in February 2018 and was thinking of taking an overseas trip with my mom to see family over the holiday season. The issues I can think of are that I may not have enough time/PTO saved up and could possibly count against me when evaluations are due in February 2019.
    Anything I should do? Hold off until evaluations are done?

    1. Ender Wiggin*

      Unless your job is exceptionally busy over the holidays I don’t see why using your holidays should count against you. First thing you need to do is find out how much vacation time you have available and book it in as early as possible to give your boss enough time to plan. If you started in Feb then by December you should have between 10/12 and 11/12 of a years vacation to take (depending on when exactly you started). Minus any holidays you have taken.

      Asking for extra time above your allowance could possibly work against you so i would try to stay within your holiday allowance if possible.

      1. Jo*

        I don’t think it’s exceptionally busy over the holidays (government contractor) and I have about a week’s worth or so saved up. I was thinking of trying to do it over a long weekend so I wouldn’t have to use up all the PTO that’s been saved and I’ve only taken two days off. The only issues I’m concerned about is the fact that the work I do never takes a break and with a lot of contractors and government staff potentially taking vacations around the same time would leave the division I’m in short-staffed.

  168. Anonymosity, are you ok?*

    Hi Anonymosity, if you’re reading this, I’m worried about you after last week. Can you let us know how things are going?

  169. Michael*

    Hey all, slightly awkward question.

    I’m helping to organize a pretty big industry conference that’s coming up soon. My dad used to work in the same industry I do, but he’s long since retired.

    The problem is that he wants me to get him in to this conference. We’re not particularly close, and the last time I did this for him, he did a few things that I thought were both inappropriate and reflected on both of us poorly. The biggest one is that he kept on commenting on every woman’s looks. He’d just spontaneously go “wow, that girl’s really mediocre looking.” I didn’t get any comments on it, but it was still bad.

    I need to say no without damaging our relationship further, and I’m not sure of how to do that. He’s either going to insist it didn’t happen, or that it was okay, because he’s one of those older people who insists they can say whatever whey want because they’re old. If I say “I can’t, tickets are sold out and I don’t have that ability,” he’ll become very petulant and work himself up into anger by repeating “why not?” and “I don’t understand why you won’t do this for me.”

    Advice very much appreciated.

    1. Kiwi*

      I think you can’t take the risk of having him there. I’m sorry.

      Could you try telling him that the organisation’s leadership has really clamped down on tickets and isn’t making exceptions, and that insisting would be bad for your reputation in the industry? Throw in some stuff about how it’d be going counter to his valuable advice about how to get ahead in the industry.

      This might not even be untrue – if you pull strings to get him in and he makes inappropriate comments, it won’t help you get ahead.

      Good luck!

    2. WellRed*

      The question isn’t awkward, your dad is putting you in an awkward situation. Tell him the tix are out of your hands or whatever. I wouldn’t bother pointing out his behavior for exactly the reasons you list.

        1. valentine*

          Your father wants you to help him harass women and jeopardize your job. Tell him you can’t foster/condone his sexism, regardless of his excuses, that the women at the conference deserve a safe space and you won’t be the one denying them. If the relationship worsens, that’s a good thing. You’re allowed to have standards so high they exclude family and any family who cares about you in a useful way would seek to meet those standards.

    4. No imagination*

      Here’s my thought on your statement that you “need to say no without damaging our relationship further.” Are you financially dependent on your father? Do you have minor siblings he could prevent you having contact with? Do you really need to maintain this relationship? Is this relationship more important that your professional reputation?

      For a long time I put up with a lot to maintain some sort of civil relationship with my parents, because that’s what people do. I was 40 when I realized that being around them made me miserable to the point of self harm, and I just needed to step back and let go.

      He’s the one asking you to do something that will damage your professional reputation. If you saying no hurts your relationship, that’s his fault, not yours. It’s sad that he values going to this conference and being a jerk more than he values his relationship with you. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

  170. Can't Say*

    So, what do you do when your job involves politics, and you can’t get away from them? I am involved in the election world (not in a campaign), and my state is having an election this year that is proving to be very stressful. There are lots of half truths, lies, and various issues going around on all sides and people want to come in, complain, trash various candidates, say we’re liars when we tell them how things really go. We stay neutral and don’t talk political opinions with people, but it’s super stressful when you can’t escape the atmosphere because it’s your job. I am wondering how I’m going to cope because I’m already almost at a breaking point with the worst yet to come. I’ll be working 50-80 hour weeks for the next month with only 2 days off for the whole month after tomorrow. It’s also hard to escape when I’m home because it’s all over the news and social media. Any suggestions for staying sane when I’ll be in such a charged atmosphere with no escape and little time for myself?

    1. WellRed*

      Why can’t you turn off or limit it at home? The only thing I can think to suggest is keep reminding yourself there’s an end date. Eat and sleep as healthfully as you can, and let some things slide (like some housekeeping or whatever). Breathe.

    2. LGC*

      That just seems super tough, and I’m really sorry that you’re in such a stressful situation!

      I’m not in politics, but…it reads a little bit like your main issue is really, “How do I deal with bad customers?” And the answer is…I hope your boss is supportive of you and understanding of what you’re going through, first and foremost. But also, repeat to yourself that their terribleness isn’t about you as a person, it’s their baggage (which is something I’ve had to learn to do with frustrating customers)! Treat everyone with kindness, but also don’t pour your whole self into saving each and every soul.

      It’s a lot harder in your case because Elections Have Consequences and they’re trashing something you may be passionate about (like saving the Western Texas fruit bats). But also…you can’t save everyone in the world, because some people just don’t want to be saved.

      Also: I think that since it’s easy to follow everything in excruciating detail, it’s really tempting to. But also, I believe a lot of the media is invested in causing you to feel emotions – and to be quite honest, a lot of the stuff we’re discussing right now is inherently highly emotional and hard to discuss in a sensitive manner! (Like…sexual assault, racism, those sorts of things.) So limit it to…like, an hour a day, maybe? Maybe not even that.

      And even then, my policy has been to simply mute people who post strident political opinions from my feeds – regardless of lean, if you’re making me feel some sort of way, you’re muted. (Even if you’re my best friend.) I’ll still seek out opinions and news on a bit of a delay, but I’m not dealing with the shrieking unless I have to. (My mom always chastises me for immediately changing the channel from CNN or MSNBC. That’s because I already know the United States is going to hell and I don’t need to be reminded of it by Rachel Maddow every night.)

    3. valentine*

      Can you not shut down the trash talkers? At home, stop watching the news and any channels with ads. Maybe just go no-TV/Facebook/Twitter until Groundhog Day. Stream stuff sans ads. Use Tumblr savior and find new, fluffy blogs. Create a self-care routine that includes scents, if possible. Carry something with that scent so you can have it at work. Enjoy what you can, as much as you can. Sleep a ton.

  171. Me*

    I’m having a major crisis at work and anything I look up only brings up the wrong type and/or is years old.

    I’m an AmeriCorps member (not a vista!) and I started at the beginning of last month. My time is split between 2 sites and I am redundant at one and unwelcome at the other (the deputy director of the umbrella non profit created that position and contacted that site rather than the site needing me). I am grossly, profoundly unhappy. At both I have no supervision or guidance and both tell me things will improve later this month. As such, I have essentially done nothing and contributed nothing to either site at all.

    We had our swearing-in/training this week in the capital with all the other AmeriCorps in the state. My field is “community development” which feels so irrelevant when all but one other is devoted to the kind of aid you think of when you think of americorps (also why googling does nothing!). Something snapped at this event and I left a networking thing hysterical in tears the first day, left lunch the second day after telling the deputy director this position was unethical (it so is!! it does not deserve any funding!), and cried throughout.

    I have no experience in my field barring the internship between years one and two in graduate school. I didn’t hear from any jobs I applied to this spring except AmeriCorps.

    I want to quit – I applied for 5 positions today! – but I won’t without a job lined up. The longer I stay here, the harder it is on them to replace me but this week has been so painful. I’ve talked with the director, perhaps too candidly but we’re not normal employees, and she says we may change the second site.

    I do have a history of depression/anxiety but I don’t know how to tell if it’s my brain or the situation plus my brain.

    Am I torching bridges if I quit after getting a job? Is this normal and I need to wait it out?

    1. Me*

      The one bright spot is this state took the medicaid expansion so I can afford to see a shrink which i need because the job stresses me out but i need the job to see the doctor.

    2. valentine*

      If you can quit, quit. Preserve your health. If you need the money so much that it’s worth the crying and misery, see if you can be removed from the second site.

      1. Me*

        The two sites are two half time positions, which adds to the stress because neither site will commit to a schedule for me. I may potentially transition to a similar half time spot with a federal agency, but everything is up in the air.

        I also feel like I’m too old to act like this and I should build a work history and get over myself.

        1. WellRed*

          You’ve just started the job. You are both redundant and unwelcome. They won’t commit to a schedule. You cried hysterically one day and on another day said the position was unethical. Why are you still there?

          2. Me*

            Well I’m still here because I can’t quit without another job! And everyone says things will change after this event ended which is what I’ve been hearing for a month and a half.

            The unethical thing is definitely subjective – the position was created by the umbrella nonprofit, not asked for by the actual site. So I serve no purpose and am not necessary for anything they do.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      “I do have a history of depression/anxiety but I don’t know how to tell if it’s my brain or the situation plus my brain.”
      It’s the situation, which sounds sucky… but it is feeding the anxiety and depression.

      “Am I torching bridges if I quit after getting a job? Is this normal and I need to wait it out?”
      Yes, you might be burning a bridge if you quit at 2 months. However, given this is early in your career it probably won’t do so all that badly. However, I suggest trying to stick it out until you find something else, or for 1 year at at least ONE of the locations if possible. It’s typically easier to get another job when you have one, unless the situation is so godawful and you’re being abused, ripped-off, it’s dangerous or it’s making you ill.

      I know others may disagree with me, but I’ve been working for 30+ years and I’ve never really had the luxury of just up and quitting a job I hated with nothing lined up. I tend to look askance at people who give up in just a month or two unless there is a very, very good reason I’ve stated above. You’ve stated Americorps might be this way, so perhaps it fits the bill in what you’re being asked to do. But hey, if you can just quit, more power to you.

      1. Me*

        Oh I won’t quit without another job lined up! I certainly don’t have that luxury.

        And it’s AmeriCorps – I’m signed up for a year, so it’s not just leaving a job early, it’s breaking a contract.

  172. Sandra*

    I’ve been at my new job for less than six months. I’ve never worked so hard before, and I strongly underestimated the amount of stress the role would bring into my life. Nevertheless, I have a positive, upbeat attitude at work every day, apologize if/when I’ve made mistakes and corrected them, and work overtime all the time when it’s required to get the job done.

    Nevertheless, my boss seems constantly disappointed in my performance. Her usual tendency is to deliver negative individual performance in a group setting (haaaate hate that), but when she’s met with me individually, all she’s said is that she’s concerned I’m overwhelmed and that I need to do a better job of communicating with her on the status of projects. She says she knows I take care of them, but just wants me to communicate that better. Noted, working on it 100%.

    She also said in that discussion that she has high expectations of me because she sees so much potential in me, and so she tries to “stretch” me. But I don’t see her giving any negative feedback to my two male colleagues, even when they (frequently) make mistakes which impact the rest of the team.

    I’m the first person to tell you when I’ve done something wrong. But I seriously cannot figure out what I can do differently or better to please her. She seems like a great manager in general, but it’s not clicking here and I’m worried I’m not a fit for the team, which makes me feel anxious quite literally all the time. Any tips?

    1. Jasnah*

      I think you need to figure out if you can work something out with your boss, or if you can’t. If she is trying to stretch you because she sees more potential in you, and has given up on your coworkers, that could be a real growing experience for you. On the other hand, if she’s just a poor manager, then you should get out. It sounds like your boss sees that you’re overwhelmed. How have you communicated with her about the big picture status of you getting settled and working there? Have you told her that you don’t have a sense of how well you’re doing, that you don’t know how to improve and you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed? I would want to know how your boss responds to that before deciding to jump ship.

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