{ 1,202 comments… read them below }

    3. Jess*

      I’m so sorry about Sam, Allison. He was such a beautiful, gentle boy from your stories. There’s no pain quite like losing such a beloved companion.

    4. StudentA*

      Allison, I am so sorry about Sam. He was a member of the family and it’s a painful loss. I am sending my love and condolences.

    16. Lcsa99*

      I am so sorry Allison. Bit you gave him a good life.

      I hope the other kitties are taking it ok. It’s difficult cause you can’t explain to them why he isn’t there. Sending hugs for you and the kitties.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        This is what I like to say. Remember what a great life you gave him; even if it wasn’t easy, anyone who has cared for an animal has probably improved its life immeasurably over being a stray or in a shelter. (We’re dealing with new medical issues for both of our cats, and I have to keep reminding myself of this.)

      1. Bibliovore*

        Please accept my condolences on the loss of your dear Sam. I know that your many sweet memories of him will be a comfort in this time of grief.

    35. matcha123*

      He was very much a loved member here. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you guys are holding up okay.

    45. Lore*

      So sorry to hear about Sam. I hope you & your husband and the other cat members of the family are holding up.

    48. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thank you, all.

      I wrote a little about what was going on with him last weekend. He went downhill very fast and we had a vet come to the house on Sunday to euthanize him. We let Lucy smell him afterwards so she’d know what happened (and not keep looking for him) and she sniffed him and then immediately licked his head, which she never does, so I think she knows. Olive and Eve seem to be oblivious (they wouldn’t come out while the vet was here so they didn’t see him) although they’re being a lot needier than usual, so who knows. Anyway, we miss him and it feels unbalanced here without him. He was a great cat.

      1. Animal worker*

        It seems that you did everything you could, and handled this really well for Sam and the other cats. We let animals here at the zoo say goodbye when we can, depending on the situation and species. I think it can be really important for animals that have a social bond or even less close relationship. Sincere condolences on your loss, and hope your other cats can give you some extra comfort right now.

      5. Not So NewReader*

        That was really smart letting her see for herself like that.
        They do look for each other and they look for their humans too. It sounds like Lucy knows, so that’s good.

        They leave a hole, that’s for sure. RIP little Sam.

      7. Cindy Featherbottom*

        I’m so sorry about your loss :(. We lost our little guy at about the same age as Sam and he went downhill quick too so I know how you feel. Its a hard loss to bear. Sending hugs and condolences.

      8. Mimmy*

        Aww the image of Lucy licking Sam’s head is making me tear up. I bet Olive and Eve know that Sam is gone – they just reacted in a different way. But like you said, who knows. Sending everyone extra snuggles.

      9. Rainy*

        I lost my 22yo boy last month and it was pretty awful. Our younger cat seems to be adjusting okay, but I’m glad that your other kitties have each other–and you guys, of course.

      10. IrishEm*

        I’m so sorry, Alison. It’s always hard, but he loves you and knows you did your best for him.

      11. mimsie*

        “he sniffed him and then immediately licked his head, which she never does, so I think she knows.”
        *crying* Pets are so special. I’m very sorry for your loss, Alison.

      14. Always "anon just for this"*

        I’m so sorry for your loss, Alison. It’s tough to lose a furry family member. Condolences.

    49. MissDisplaced*

      One of the things I love about this site is that many of us love and share about our kitties.
      So sorry about Sam.
      Losing a beloved pet is one of the hardest things in the world.

    50. Myrin*

      I’m crying. My heartfelt condolences go out to your and your family, Alison. Your beautiful boy was loved not only by you guys but by all of these internet strangers and I’m sure he felt that love all the time.

    53. nep*

      What a beautiful, beautiful photo. Thanks for sharing that.
      So sorry, Alison. The pain is like no other.
      Peace

    54. Chylleh*

      I am so sorry. Sam looked like such a happy, beautiful boy in the photos you have posted. What a wonderful life he must have had.

    57. cat socks*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so heartbreaking to lose a member of the family. Rest in peace, sweet Sam.

    59. MatKnifeNinja*

      So sorry about your horrific days/week, and your sweet kitty.

      It is hard when they leave because they rip a chunk of your heart with them.

      Sam was a gorgeous boy, and is very much loved. You can see that in his sassy face. I’m sure you did all you could for him. Do not second guess yourself.

      Me, my feathered and furry friends send you love and gentle hugs.

    65. Aphrodite*

      I am truly sorry, Alison. Sam was a great beauty. I’d bet his years with you were very happy ones.

    70. Sherm*

      I’m so sorry. How I wish cats could live as long as we do. I know his time here was filled with joy.

    73. JaneB*

      Very sorry to hear this. He had wonderful people, and I hope the others don’t miss him too much.

    86. Dr. Anonymous*

      I’m so sorry to hear about Sam. It’s so hard to decide when the cat is telling you it is time, and so hard to go through your day and the moments you expect to hear that little voice.

    91. Elspeth*

      Aww, so sorry for your loss, Alison. It doesn’t matter how long you have cats, they always manage to worm their way into your heart. Much love to you and yours.

    92. Sorority Woman*

      I’m so sorry to see that your kitty has passed. You undoubtedly gave him a wonderful life!

    99. Environmental Compliance*

      So sorry for your loss. Many internet hugs for you & husband and your other kitties.

    100. Hope*

      I’m so sorry Allison. There’s nothing I could possibly say to make it better, but I know he was loved and had a good life.

    3. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Beautiful kitty, so sorry he’s gone. I lost my two old cats in the last 18 months and it’s so hard. But Allison, I do love all your cat photos so please keep sharing them!!! <3

  3. wingmaster*

    RIP Sam :(

    ______

    I started my online shop last week, and I finally got my first sale this past week! I was so excited and gave myself a pat on the back. It’s a Spoonflower shop, and as someone who loves chicken wings, I’ve been uploading some fun chicken wing digital prints.

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      Seconding your RIP to Sam. What a striking photo. <3
      ————
      With Spoonflower, sounds like you can get your own design put on fabric. Wow.

  4. Tort-ally Harebrained*

    Y’all, this baseball game. We are now in the 18th and 6+ hours. The World Series is crazy, sad my Astros aren’t in it, but glad it has something interesting.

    Sorry to here about Sam. He looks so very regal.

    1. Weekend Worker*

      I, against my better judgement, stayed up to watch the whole thing and am feeling it at work today – at least Saturdays are slow. Who are you rooting for?

      1. Tort-ally Harebrained*

        My allegiance seems to wobble. When it started I was for Boston and Alex Cora given his Astros history. But now I find myself cheering for the Dodgers underdog, Kershaw to get a ring and Kike Hernandez who played on the minor league team where I live.

    2. Marge Gunderson*

      I cannot. Believe. That game! I watched the whole thing, my husband eventually fell asleep on the floor and only woke up to the sound of neighborhood fireworks :)

    3. Bostonian*

      I fell asleep during the 12th and kicked my husband out of the bedroom (where we were watching the game) in the 14th. He resisted, saying, “it can’t go on that much longer…” It went on for another hour and a half.

  5. Marzipan*

    Oh, RIP Sam. I’m so sorry.

    I called my fertility clinic recently to check in about where I am on the waiting list for an egg donor (it’s been like a year at this point). And they basically said ‘wow, you must by psychic, we have your potential donor’s paperwork on the desk in front of us right now’! Not sure when things will actually get going; it might not be until after Christmas. But still, things are happening…

    In other news I got my hand shut in the van door at work yesterday and now have two of my fingers taped together. So, swings and roundabouts!

    1. Random Commenter*

      Congratulations on the progress with the donor! I understand these things are stressful and anxiety-inducing so it’s great to hear there’s progress.

  6. Jemima Bond*

    Crafters; assemble! OH just gave me a belated birthday gift of a Star Wars amigurumi crochet kit, so I can make my own yoda and stormtrooper (the kit contains yarn for these plus instructions for several more characters). Twist: I do not yet know how to crochet. I know YouTubf is my friend – any other tips or general encouragement would be welcome!

    1. Marzipan*

      You can do it! I honestly find crochet much easier than knitting. If I were you, I’d start by learning to make granny squares; they’re a fairly straightforward starting point.

      One thing to be aware of – in the US and the UK, crochet stitches may be known by different names. Some of which are the same names as other stitches. (So, for example, ‘double crochet’ means one thing in a UK pattern and a different thing in a US pattern.) This honestly isn’t as awkward as it sounds, but just be aware of it and if you’re watching videos or reading instructions try to find ones that tell you if they’re using UK or US terms, so you can follow what’s happening.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        That’s a good tip!! I’ve checked out exactly what the uk double and the us single is and I’m pretty sure the book is in UK-speak, which makes sense as although appropriately licensed, the patterns were written by an English person.

    2. Blue_eyes*

      YouTube is super helpful here. Definitely get some other yarn and play around with making small swatches to get used to different stitches and such before you start using the yarn from your kit. Are parts of the amigurumi crocheted in the round? If so, make sure to practice that as well. Even as a more experienced crocheter, sometimes a pattern just doesn’t seem to make sense, but when I dive in and just follow the instructions faithfully, it works out in the end.

      Come back here if you want help or need specific advice! I’ve been crocheting for probably 10 years now and I really like it. Right now I have two projects going – a kippah (Jewish skullcap/yarmulke) and a lap blanket I’m making from a kit left by my husband’s late grandmother (that she bought in the 60s or 70s!).

    3. Jack Be Nimble*

      Seconding what others have said about starting by using other yarn to make granny squares until you have a feel for it! See if the kit says what weight and material the yarn is, and buy some of the same. Working with polyester fingerling yarn will be different than working with a chunkier wool blend. Using the same size hook and same kind of yarn included in the kit will help you get up to speed faster.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Starting out, look st several different YouTube videos to find a way to control the yarn tension and hold the hook and yarn that don’t make your hands hurt. Establish a healthy habit now.

    5. a good mouse*

      I’ll caution that those kits are great but more aimed at advanced beginner/intermediate crocheters. So don’t get discouraged if you’re having trouble! Just practice the stitches from YouTube a little longer. You can always pull it all out and use the yarn again for the dolls :)

      If you want to see some of the dolls I’ve designed and made, I post them as hookedonfandom on Instagram.

    6. Ehhhh*

      Part of crocheting is finding a mistake a few rows/rounds back and pulling all the work out. Accept it as part of the process – don’t try to make it work.

      Have so much fun!

      1. Red Reader*

        Also, it’s string. You have higher brain power, opposable thumbs and scissors. No matter what, you will not lose in the end. :)

        1. Thursday Next*

          Thank you for this. I’m gearing up to knit in the round for the first time, and feeling unequal to the task!

          1. MarieAlice*

            On a circular needle or on 4/5 needles?
            To me, knitting on a circular is rather easy (as long as I don’t forget to tap the counter and move my marker every round), but with 4 or 5, I just keep dropping stitches, needles, and even everything while I’m trying to catch the falling needles…

            1. Drop Bear*

              Urgh, I hear you. When I have no choice but to go with multiple needles, I stick little cork like things on the ends – in theory having to move the corks should slow me down , but in reality the time saved not having to rescue stitches puts me into the black!

              1. MarieAlice*

                I tried, but those corks seem to magically attract 2 cats, who then have the time of their lives catching those things and pulling stitches off or getting caught in the yarn.
                They don’t do this with other needles (although, the 15-25mm range seems to intrigue them too), but the little ones for knitting socks with the corks are irresistible apparently…
                *cats*

                1. Drop Bear*

                  I had the same issue with the ones I bought (they were like little hats), so I made my own – I make them so they are doughnut shaped and slide down onto the needle (so the point sticks out) – they are a little slower to slide on and off. but the cat doesn’t seem to see them as prey!

              2. Nita*

                Great tip! I’m knitting a hat on the go, and have reached into my bag a few times and pulled out a single needle… leaving the stitches behind.

              3. Blue_eyes*

                Try Magic Loop method! You can knit at any size with only a circular needle, and no need for DPNs. It totally changed my knitting life. I bought a set of different sizes all with long flexible plastic cables and know I’m ready for any pattern!

            3. Dr. Anonymous*

              I got much happier with double pointed needles when I switched to bamboo. There’s enough extra friction that the needles don’t slide out of the stitches and fall on the floor all the time, and on the rare occasion when they do, I don’t have to listen to the bright, steel ring of failure.

              1. Red Reader*

                And if you sit on them, they break rather than impaling you. (Which is still not great, but I have seen more than a few ER charts for people who got severe injuries from sitting on metal knitting needles.)

              2. MarieAlice*

                “The bright, steel ring of failure.” I have to remember that one. :)
                Interesting, I might try those next time!

            1. Thursday Next*

              Thank you! My son (whom it’s for) asked whether it will be ready in the next year. I told him I certainly hoped so. :)

              1. Red Reader*

                Haha, oh bless. I have a quilt upstairs that my mother made. It was for my sixteenth birthday. I mean, my 18th birthday. I mean, my 21st birthday. I mean, my 25th birthday. I finally got it when I was 30. :) And it seems to be a family trait; I have a couple of knitting projects in my craft pile that have been on needles for five or six years or longer.

                1. Thursday Next*

                  :) That’s a sweet story…makes the quilt so much more memorable once you finally got it. And yay mom for seeing it through!

    7. Shrunken Hippo*

      Always remember that the best thing about crochet is it’s easy to take out a few stitches and try again. Never be afraid to stop and start over. Also when you feel confident doing general crochet don’t let crocheting in the round scare you, once it clicks it’ll be a breeze. It just takes time and patience. Besides, some of my cutest amigurumi were the ones that look nothing like I was hoping they would turn out but I still love them.

    8. Gingerblue*

      Are you on ravelry.com? If not, it’s a great resource for knitters and crocheters; it’s a combined pattern archive, yarn database, personal notebook to which you can upload pictures and notes on your projects, and social forum. Everything is cross-linked, so if you find the pattern you’re working on (and they aim to catalogue every pattern ever published), from its page you can look at the project pages of everyone on Ravelry who has made that pattern. I mention it because people’s project notes, work in progress photos, etc. are often really helpful if you get stuck; you can even sort all the project pages for a pattern in order of helpfulness. The forums can also be great, and you can find discussion groups ranging general site discussion to amigurumi-focused groups. And if you want to continue with crochet past this kit, definitely get on Rav! It’s free and totally invaluable.

      (If you are already on Ravelry for knitting or something, sorry for the advertisement!)

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        Ravelry addict here. I don’t know how I was able to survive before I discovered it!

        1. Gingerblue*

          Summer is my season, but one of the great joys of fall is that we’re back into knitting season! I’ve been rearranging my queue all week. Surely one more WIP wouldn’t hurt…

    9. nonegiven*

      I taught myself to crochet from a cheap dime store pamphlet at age 8. It’s really not hard, especially with all the Youtube videos out there.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you haven’t yet found Ravelry, go check it out. There is info about local crafting groups. In case you like me find it easier to learn in the real world than from books or recordings.
      Random thoughts…
      If you are lefthanded, look for leftie-specific materials and teachers.
      If you’re teaching yourself don’t skimp the “how to hold the hook” part…I did, and years after I learned the basics, someone at my local stitch-n-bitch suggested another way of holding it. Not only is it much easier on my hands, my results are nicer.

    11. Emelle*

      I can’t read a crochet pattern if my life depended on it, so I watch the crap out of YouTube videos til I find something I like. Right now blankets and scarves are my only projects, but I did make one shawl that I was proud of. (My kid wanted to look like Abigail on When Calls The Heart.)

    12. Lazy Crochet*

      Two words for doing amigurumi or any other crochet in he round: Stitch markers. You will only be sorry if you don’t use them

    13. rogue axolotl*

      As someone who does a fair amount of amigurumi, I would suggest starting with simple amigurumi first. I’ve done those kits before and they would be pretty challenging for beginners. Amigurumi also is fairly distinct from other kinds of crochet–it’s almost always done in the round, for example, so learning to crochet in the round will probably help you more than practicing flat crocheting. And it helps to be able to decipher a pattern because, to be honest, I didn’t find the instructions in the kit very clear. I’d recommend something really easy like a crocheted cactus to start, and work your way up to the kit.

      1. rogue axolotl*

        On a more supportive note, it really doesn’t take long to improve your amigurumi skills, because there are a lot of small, easy projects to practise on and most of the skills required are the same across projects. When I first learned, it only took about a month before I could work on fairly challenging projects.

    14. Princess Tayla*

      I have both of the Star Wars Crochet kits and I’ve made pretty much all of them more than once. I think C3PO and Chewbacca are the easiest in the book. Crochet is really easy to pull out so don’t be afraid to try things and pull them out and try again until you have something you like.

    15. BetsCounts*

      I found this book to be **incredibly** useful.

      ReCrochetions Presents: Rowan’s Learn to Crochet Sampler Afghan, Right-Handed Edition Paperback –
      by Laurinda Reddig (Author)

      I know how to knit and had taken a crochet course through my college extension, but struggled with making the right number of stitches on a row. This book has tons of pictures and at the end you have enough squares to make a baby blanket! I wanted to make a larger one so I knit additional squares to make it big enough. Good luck!

  7. Beth Jacobs*

    I started this week super annoyed. I live in a flatshare and the heating isn’t working in my bedroom and in the adjoining kitchen. The rest of the apartment is just toasty, as is apparently the rest of the building.
    Anyways my landlady is great and has been trying to do everything she can – a workman came last week, but couldn’t determine the cause. On Sunday, my landlady brought me an oil filled space heater (my rent already includes all bills, so I don’t have to worry about the monstrous electric usage). But I was still annoyed – space heaters are inconvenient, since they’re not really good for autoregulating the temperature to stay at a constant level and can’t be left unattended. My room is not cold (it’s also only 10 C = 50 F outside now, not too bad) but it’s annoying to come home to a really cold room and wait 30 minutes for it to warm up, then having to turn it up and down throughout the evening, unplug it for the night because of safety and wake up cold the next morning…
    But on Wednesday, my landlady texted me that they’ve got another workman coming AND to skip the next rent payment as compensation for the inconvenience. I can really use this financial boost right now and a whole month’s rent is definitely worth it having to push a button a couple of times day. So I went from annoyed to super happy :)
    I still hope the second workman sorts it out though. Winters can get really cold here, January averages around 0 celsius (32 F) and gets as low as -12 C (10 F) and I can’t imagine going through that with just the space heater. It’s not that it’s not powerful enough, but it can’t be left on when I’m asleep or out of the room, which means coming home or waking up to a very cold room.

    1. Julia*

      I’m sorry you have to deal with that. At least your landlady sounds nice and competent, so I hope you’ll have a solution before it gets even colder. Using a different room for a while might be an option if she has an opening?
      I spent some time in a cold room with a drafty window and no central heating, just a small electric oven, when I was an au-pair, and I know how subpar those things are to get you really warm.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Yes, I do this as well. My bedroom gets super cold in winter and I have a space heater on a timer. It runs a bit before bed so I don’t go to sleep in the cold, and a bit in the morning so I don’t get up in the cold.

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I have a couple of the cheap oil filled radiators from argos that I use sometimes in a particularly cold room and this is what I do. Just plug them in to a timer and set it for a few appropriate times. If yours is like the one I have it doesn’t really get hot enough to worry about it coming on by itself for half an hour.

    3. Boo Hoo*

      There are some great space heaters. We have one that has setting for turning on and off, has a remote control, temp settings and turns off if it tips or even if you stand in front of it (so meant for if something is in front of it blocking it) and it is made to look like a side table. Love it. Keeps out heat bills down since we don’t have to heat the whole house all night in the winter.

    4. Brisque*

      Could you have your door open during the day, and maybe even run a small fan to push the heat towards your area of the home during the day? Maybe then it can at least be a little better when you get home.

      1. schnauzerfan*

        Hope it gets fixed soon! But if not I’d be looking for an electric blanket or mattress pad. Could at least keep your bed toasty at night.

      2. Thursday Next*

        Yes, that’s one awesome landlady. It’s great (and rare) to have someone so concerned and willing to work with you.

    6. MsChanandlerBong*

      Wow, your landlady sounds nice. When we lived back east, we had a cracked sewer pipe in our basement, and the house was filled with sewer gas. It took six days for my landlord to get a plumber out to look at it, and then once the plumber diagnosed the problem, the landlord was too cheap to pay to have it fixed, so he did it himself (cheaply and shoddily), and then it cracked again right when we were moving out. We didn’t get a penny off our rent despite having headaches and being unable to sleep because the house was permeated with the smell of sewage!

    7. Chaordic One*

      Yes, your landlady sounds like a peach. I once lived in a apartment and a pipe broke in the apartment above me. The water damage was inconsequential, but the dust from when they knocked out the plaster to get to the pipes was terrible and they didn’t do anything about the terrible mess the workmen left behind in my apartment.

    8. JSPA*

      I thought the main point of the oil filled radiators is that they are much safer (lower surface temperature, hard to tip over) and can therefore be left on, unattended, so long as they are not next to anything super flammable / have proper clearance from drapes and paper. Maybe check with the landlady and the manufacturer, in case you’re making things harder on yourself than they need to be, by following rules for the old-style, heating element space heaters (which were a menace)?

      1. Gaia*

        They are safer, they are not safe. No space heater should ever be left unattended and on. Probably the “safest” ones are not “space heaters” at all. They are those fans that blow warm air and turn off automatically if they tip over. I probably still wouldn’t leave one of them unattended but that is because every winter our town has several homes lost to fires caused by “safer” space heaters.

  8. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I had a pretty rough week. Between worrying about politics and work i have been pretty stressed out (not supposed to discuss either here so I’m not going into detail). To the point where I’m burned out and depressed and stayed home from a conference I had planned on attending today.

    I just went out dancing with my friends, I had texted one of them a funny video and he invited me. I’m really glad I did. I’ve been isolating myself and spending a lot of my free time at home in bed. I don’t want to keep doing that.

    I also biked to work remotely at a cafe on Thursday, I think that was good for me. The trees were very pretty along the way.

    Struggling with realizing i need make some changes to my life due to things that are exacerbating my depression. But i barely have the energy to do a lot of those changes due to depression…

    Proud of socializing and exercising and cleaning my apartment.

    How are you doing?

    1. Julia*

      I was doing pretty well considering I keep getting nothing but rejections in my job search and won’t be able to move home anytime soon or at least find some semblance of a career here (it’s one or the other anyway), but just now my husband was all, “I want to move to Korea” or “how about doing this boring job in Paris so I can apply for a job there?” and I just can’t deal anymore. He just doesn’t understand what my life has been like these past few months, and I’m mostly surviving because I have a lot of friends here, and now he wants to take me away from those as well. I don’t know how many more ways I can try to explain to him what I want when he just won’t get it. He’s also still not making any effort to study or use German at all, and earlier today he was all, “well, if you want me to find a job in Europe, I’d need to learn French for a lot of them in my field, so choose which language I should pick” when obviously the job comes first, but he was supposed to have kept us his French independently if it’s part of his job, and not guilt-trip me over having to study German when he promised me he would.
      Some days I’m just so exhausted from living and job-searching in two languages that aren’t my own, and then having a husband who still doesn’t try to make my life easier…

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        Job search is tough enough for in one’s native language.
        Not sure what country you’re in now. Maybe a boring job there just to have a job would help. Best w.

        1. Julia*

          Thank you. I’m proficient enough in the local language, and just got a master’s, so I really want a career job, but keep being rejected for various reasons, and obviously wondering why I’m even looking here if husband is actively looking in other places all over the world.

      2. Washi*

        Can you remind me what your situation is? You live in Tokyo but are German, your husband is Japanese, you want to move back to Germany and he also wants to move, but to elsewhere in Europe? I’m confused about the “choose which language I should pick” – it seems like you would obviously pick German if you want to move back there, but maybe I’m not understanding.

        Anyway, it sounds very stressful, especially if both of you are job searching at the same time and both stressed.

        1. Julia*

          You got everything right! I’m also okay with staying in Tokyo as I have friends here, but I definitely won’t be moving to Korea or wherever where I know neither people nor the language! My skills don’t translate well to other countries.
          Husband was supposed to have been studying German all along so I wouldn’t have to interpret everything for him, but has slacked off horribly, and now he wants to take a apply for a job in Germany that requires knowledge of French (not German, as it’s an international org) and is trying to get me to tell him that he doesn’t have to “study” German anymore. Even my therapist rolled her eyes…

          1. Myrin*

            I honestly feel like your husband needs a reality check: leaving aside how totally arschig his behaviour is towards you, your language, and your relationship, er soll sich doch nicht einbilden, dass, nur weil für seine Arbeit französisch ausreichen würd, er ohne Probleme in Deutschland leben könnt, ohne zumindest grundegende Deutschkenntnisse zu haben (unless he’s planning on taking you literally everywhere and have you do literally everything for him).

            1. Julia*

              Tell me about it. But he thinks if we move there, he’ll miraculously start picking up as much as “necessary”, even though he still thinks “ich will” means “ich werde das tun” and “was?” is how you politely ask someone to repeat themselves. I don’t know what to say so that he’ll finally get it, and he just keeps asking what he’s supposed to. You’re supposed to put some effort into studying German, dude! I literally just got my master’s in applied linguistics, and he still won’t listen when I tell him that to learn how to speak a language, you have to try to speak it.

              1. Julia*

                Sorry, I meant: He keeps asking what he’s supposed to DO, as if I haven’t told him at least ten times this weekend alone.

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        Please give yourself loads of credit for job-searching in your second or third (or…?) languages!!
        That’s a metric ton or two more difficult than searching in one’s original language and culture.
        Maybe you should be applying for jobs with organizations that help people adapt to new circumstances? No offense intended to your original professional ambition and recently-completed master’s degree.

        1. Julia*

          Thank you! Considering languages are my speciality and the only thing I’m good at (other than people stuff), I never even considered the effort this took, as I’ve been working at Japanese orgs overseas before. I am applying for all kinds of jobs remotely in my field or doable with my skills, but something like the one you proposed hasn’t come up yet.

    2. frystavirki*

      I’ve been better, but I’ve been worse — I have started taking a very low dose of melatonin at night and it’s helped me get enough sleep to handle my class schedule. I have a very delayed sleep schedule naturally due to ADHD things and so getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night and then being on campus from 7:30am – 5pm led to a lot of sleeping in public. It’s mostly been helping when I remember to take it early enough. My individual therapy is hard as hell (she makes me name 7 things I did well every week and it usually takes me like 20 minutes and is like pulling teeth, because I keep trying to tease out her ‘rules’ of what ‘counts.’) My teeth are actually done with for now! I scheduled a new dentist’s appointment to get some of the fillings taken care of and they redid the X-rays and declared me as needing no new fillings assuming I kept up with the Fancy Prescription Toothpaste, which was apparently strengthening the borderline areas well. 3 root canals/crowns and about one regular filling. My 25th birthday is Monday, and that’s weirding me out, because it’s like time has stood still since I was in high school.
      P.S.: RIP, Sam :c I hope you have lots of happy times in cat heaven. That’s a beautiful photo.

      1. MarieAlice*

        Happy almost birthday! *insert confetti and balloons*
        Maybe you can set an alarm on your phone for the melatonin?

    3. arjumand*

      I’m in year 2 of dealing with my recently diagnosed immune disorder (ITP) – in recovery from 6 months of steroids, which, I’ve realised, is the carpet bomber of medications, as it deals with the problem by leveling your immune system – so still dealing with a lot of after effects, plus the ever present fear that my platelets will go down again.
      After having lost my own ginger furball to cancer 3 years ago, now the other family cat (17 years old) has developed a tumor in her tongue (the symptoms of which looked like gum disease) which is inoperable (tongue, y’all). The prognosis is not good.
      I’m working full time, which means I’m exhausted and in pain most evenings.
      And then I rear-ended a driving instructor yesterday.
      So, not having a particularly good week (month? year?).

          1. Julia*

            When my family cat died, the time between knowing she would and her actual passing was the worst, even worse than the time right after her passing. Anticipatory mourning and feeling helpless can do a huge number on you, as can seeing someone you love suffer. Please be kind to yourself, cry if you want to, and take some photos of your kitty if that’s your thing.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Oh man. I hope you catch a break in all this, I hope something really good happens for you very soon.

      3. AnnaBananna*

        The driver probably deserved it. ;) I’m kidding (I think).
        I’m so sorry about the kitties! And I feel you on the chronic illness and painful evenings. I’m working ‘only’ part time but even that is incredibly painful. I remember one time driving on the freeway in stop-n-go traffic and legit falling asleep while my car was stopped. I was like ‘ya….I can’t work FT anymore’. So keep your wits about you and think hard about your needs, both short and long term. I fought for three years before I finally went to part time and i’m so glad I did. It’s been rough, but parts of my life have improved.

    4. Sh’Dynasty*

      Doing pretty well here! Continuing to look at the positives, or at least try to. I can’t help but feel I’m on an upswing right now.
      Slowly getting a hang of this new motherhood dealio.
      The company I contract for has been working overtime to pull me in for full time employment, where I would work from home at least a couple times a week.
      Just had a couple date with my bestie and her boyfriend at her house, and we didn’t go overboard with drinking and ate healthy.

      A little nervous about potentially running out of anti anxiety meds, as I am waiting for the new job (and therefore new insurance) before I go see a psychiatrist for the first time. I’ll probably be a week or two without them for the first time in a couple of months. So gotta watch that real close! Any advice on this is more than welcome :)

      1. MarieAlice*

        I don’t know how things work in the US, but can’t you get a prescription from your GP or family doctor? Just a refill for those couple of weeks?
        If you have been taking anti-anxiety medication (which I presume, are benzodiazepines) for a couple of months and you stop taking them cold turkey, you might end up with some nasty withdrawal effects, both psychologically and physically.
        So I would suggest you contact a doctor or your pharmacist and ask for either a refill, or a regimen to lower your dose gradually if you can’t get a new prescription. Just to keep you from falling out of that upswing you’re on now.

      2. Boo Hoo*

        If the doctor you were seeing has already prescribed them there usually isn’t a reason they won’t call them in. You likely will feel really ill if you just stop. I’d at least ask if they will. I know mine did when I moved for three months because that’s how long it took me to get in with my new Dr in this two horse town.

      3. Observer*

        See if the doctor you saw will call it in. If not, as your GP to prescribe. I good one won’t want to do that indefinitely in most cases, but if you explain that it’s a hopefully one time thing till you’re back with a new psychiatrist, most will do that for you.

      4. Erin W*

        When I moved a few years ago, I slacked off on finding a new psychiatrist so I went without meds for about a year. I did not have bad withdrawal effects (maybe it depends on how high your dosage is or something else) and I didn’t immediately feel depressed or terrible. But there was sort of a slow eroding of my goodwill towards the world and towards my self, if that makes sense. I wasn’t in any danger, thankfully, but I had to pay more attention to myself and how I was reacting to things.

        There’s a great book by Emily Gordon called Super You about managing your mental health. There’s one section where she describes looking at yourself at a remove, as though you are a character in a TV show. If you find yourself yelling at your spouse/child/computer/the sky, try to step back (mentally) and think about what you’d say if that person was NOT you and you were a spectator. “She’s just tired. She just needs to eat. She is actually angry about that thing this morning.” I actually find this to be a really helpful exercise.

        If you can’t get a refill to cover the gap, just try to be extra aware of yourself and your moods and how your mind might start tricking you.

    5. thankful for AAM*

      I posted here b4 about adult son and his anxiety/depression or something that requires therapy but he has not sorted it out and I was struggling with how much or any intervention I should do. I got great advice and support here, thanks all!

      He did ask for help finding a therapist and did go, which is awesome. But he found fault with the guy. Good news is he did ask me for help finding a new person. I think he thinks it is like needing a filling, go to a dentist and they fill it. Maybe they mess it up but the next dentist will get it right. You dont have to like the dentist for them to be skilled at dentistry. You have to have some connection with a therapist but mostly it is not like filling a cavity. It is not like you say, x happens in my life and the therapist says, right, do y and it is all fixed. I think he thinks it is like that and I assume he will get that eventually. Another life lesson that he has to figure out on his own.

      Dad and I have offered to pay for a therapist not on his plan (his plan has pretty limited choices). But he seems determined to be independent. Send good thoughts that he finds someone to work with!

    6. matcha123*

      Don’t know if this really fits here, but I’ve been reading more about “parentification” and a lot of the examples and case studies given in articles match up with how I grew up.
      I have a lot of conflicted feelings because I never had anyone I felt safe turning to at that time, and I also was afraid that even if I did tell an adult, they would never believe me because some of the incidents sound so outrageous.
      Even now it is hard to talk to people about anything family-related, not because I hate my family, but because my peers grew up comfortably surrounded by caring family members and just can’t begin to understand.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        So I had to google parentification. Emotional parentification resonates with me.

        I thought of my setting this way: Family was out. I needed to be a good daughter. This was a huge heading the covered just about everything you can think of, regardless of whether it was reasonable or not.
        Friends were out because they had no idea.
        I gravitated toward older people, they seemed to have that quiet knowing, without too much judgement. I had a pair of retired neighbors who took an interest in me. Later on, I tended to pick out older people at work, because they knew what I was talking about. At first I thought I was a bit weird, but as the decades have rolled by I realize it’s super important to keep people of all ages in our lives. Each age group offers something of value that we can use. I still have older people in my life who are dear to me.
        What I have found interesting is that a) 9-10 years is enough of an age difference where both people can add something to each other’s lives and b) this works for women AND men. Men can benefit from having a friend who is just a bit older than them. I watched my husband light up like a Christmas tree when my father or uncle spent time talking to him.
        This works into that I have friends who sit and talk about the meaning of life with me and I have friends who go and do volunteer work, shopping, etc. Each relationship has unique things about it.
        I framed it as “I grew up fast.” At 20 my friends were sitting in bars looking for a life mate, at 20 I was sitting in the nursing home spoon feeding my mother and praying she would actually swallow instead of putting the food in her check.
        Time is kind. As I age some of the stories have gotten less weird as others are seeing similar things. I think reading is powerful. Knowing that others , who we haven’t even met, have been through their own version of things. What is good about reading also, is that it’s totally private. We can learn about things in the privacy of our own homes.
        I’m going to say something that is kind of a shot in the dark here. I bet you are a very good problem solver. You think fast on your feet. You know how. This will be nothing but an asset for you as you go along.

        1. matcha123*

          I’m starting to see some of them ‘catch up,’ if you will. And I am trying to remind myself that nothing is as perfect as it seems on the surface.
          I think that parentification is quite common across many countries and cultures, but in the US we don’t expect that kind of relationship between the parent and child.

    7. Random Commenter*

      Oooh bless you. Thank you for this. I need to vent a little.

      So a lot of things have changed in the last year or so in my life. I survived Hodgkin’s lymphoma a year ago, and changed jobs and moved in with my partner (and his many pets) within the last few months. I have always struggled with anxiety and depression but I think that my mental health is starting to catch up to me now. I’m starting to have the heaviness in my chest that I hadn’t felt for years and I’m not sure how to deal with it long term right now. Every other time it’s happened before there was something fundamental in my lifestyle that I was able to change that made me better, I found THE THING that was at the bottom of all the spiraling thoughts and desperation. But I think that this time I’m dealing with the aftermath with so much change so soon so I don’t really know how to start to address it other than suck it up and give it time.

      I can’t fit therapy in my new schedule. And my partner (while ridiculously amazing in every other single way) is not great at listening about mental health issues because he has a complicated family history in that respect. I think I got to the point where it’s been long enough that my friends and family are getting tired of hearing me talk about the cancer, but my mind is just getting around to processing what happened (I have talked to other patients on forums online and this is common). From the perspective of my friends I’m among the ones who has her life the most together so it’s hard for me to whine to them. So I’m kind of… Lost? Been trying to keep busy which isn’t hard. But still. The pets do help a bit, as well as being on a happy relationship to begin with, but still.

        1. Random Commenter*

          Thank you! This article is really good and very much what it is like, yes.

          TW below: depression, suicidal thoughts

          The difference to me is that I’m not just thinking about death in the sense of fearing it, but that when my depressive feelings are stronger like they’ve been lately, I actually feel like I want to die. A lot, like whenever I have the smallest mistake or frustration. Then I have to remind myself that I have just fought so much to stay alive in the first place. It’s hard for me to forgive myself for feeling that way after everything that’s happened. And after making everyone so worried about me it’s hard to remove the “I’m fine” face, I feel like everyone’s worries enough already.

          I’m sorry for going to such a dark place. Apologies if it’s made anyone uncomfortable or uneasy.

          1. Sparrow*

            You don’t have to apologize-this is the mental health thread! And putting the content warning was thoughtful of you. While I’ve never had a major medical illness, I also hate asking for help and work really hard to show that I’m always “fine,” so I hear you there.
            You deserve help for your mental health the same way you deserved medical help for your lymphoma. I know you said you’re too busy for therapy, but could you reach out to your medical team? They are familiar with how major illness affects people, and there may be a social worker or counselor who can be a good listener for a one-time appointment or phone call. Or maybe calling a hotline or doing video/virtual therapy could be helpful to you.
            Please be kind to yourself and take care of yourself; you deserve it.
            And the US suicide prevention hotline number is 1-800-273-8255 if you need it.

      2. Julia*

        I hope I’m not overstepping, but do you think you could fit remote therapy into your schedule? Some therapists (like mine) offer Skype sessions or chat.
        If you can’t, can you lean on your online communities more and maybe start some mental health apps like Calm (meditation, I really like it), Pacifica (I love my hope board) or Anxiety Relief (hypnosis, it works for me to some extent, and it’s free)?
        I’m side-eyeing your friends a little. Having your life together doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to vent, and considering you apparently almost died just a year ago, I’m not sure your life is all that great compared to theirs.

        1. Random Commenter*

          Not overstepping at all! I don’t know if remote therapy is an option in my area/with my insurance, but I’ll look into it. If not those apps sound great as well, thanks for the suggestions.

          You do have a point about my friends. I do at times feel that way too. But i cut then some slack because (1) a lot of this is my own projections, I’m sure and (2) it’s something that is hard to deal with for everyone and it’s a first for quite a few of them… honestly I don’t think I would be doing so much better in their place either. I think they could do better but I could do better at communicating too. I think I’ll give it another try.

          Thank you.

          1. Julia*

            I hope you find something that works for you, and that your friends find some understanding for your situation!

          2. Random Commenter*

            I was able to talk more candidly with my partner last night. It was good and very needed. He was supportive. I think opening up here gave me the preparation I needed to be able to open up irl. Hopefully things start looking up a little from here.

            1. Lala*

              That’s so great to hear! You’re not alone; I went through the same thing after my treatment was over. I actually used to wish the cancer would come back so I could just die. For me, it was partly the medication I was on and partly situational. It was very difficult being expected to bounce right back and be who I was before the diagnosis when in reality, I’ll never be the same. Not better, not worse, just not the same. I changed my meds and it made a world of difference, but I still had to work through the rest. Having your partner hear what is happening, validate your feelings and be supportive is huge! I wish you the very best.

    9. BeanCat*

      I’m…trying. Trying to be kind to myself as I navigate OCD. I understand it in theory but boy is my brain rude when I try to say “[X] isn’t me, it’s my OCD.”

      Brain: But what if it is you…?

      It’s hard. I hope you’re all doing well.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        OCD is so awful in that respect – even full awareness doesn’t necessarily disarm it. I read an article in Time years ago that found that when people paused, took a breath, and focused on reminding themselves ‘this is just nonsense that faulty brain wiring is generating’, over six months about two-thirds of them saw a big improvement. That, and a really good round of cognitive behavioral therapy, helped me so much. I hope you’re able to find peace of mind as well! Thinking of you.

        1. BeanCat*

          Thank you so much! I’m actually far better off than I have been thanks to therapy and reading the book “Brain Lock”. I’m so happy you were able to get help – thinking of you as well! :)

          1. NeonFireworks*

            So good to hear! I’m going to remember your recommendation – I’ve never quite gotten around to reading it but have been really curious about it.

            1. Janeitenoir*

              I’ve read Brain Lock too, and it did give some decent basic info. I know that it’s not as popular now as when it came out, since “it’s not me, it’s OCD” can really easily become a reassurance compulsion (kinda does for me), but if it works for you, then it works!

      2. Janeitenoir*

        I also have OCD, and boy, I get this hard. Even when you’re diagnosed and every account you’ve read matches up with your experience, “what if you’re the exception?”

        I’ve improved through lots of ERP therapy, but man, those lingering doubts are the killers.

    10. Alpha Bravo*

      This past week included the (first) anniversary of my spouse’s death (which is also our daughter’s birthday). It was a hard day for both of us. But I spent a lot of the week dealing with contractors on my barn construction project. Being busy and distracted is a good thing.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        A year already. wow. You have done a lot in one year. I think the first year is in a category by itself. The brain drain is incredible, everything has to be rethought and modified for some reason. It gets exhausting. I did not think the pain diminished that much the second year but the second year definitely was less mentally demanding for me. I had worked out plans for dealing with some stuff and gotten rid of stuff that I could not take care of or no longer had use for.

        Your barn project sounds like a good project. Is an old barn being fixed up or are you putting up a new barn? (Don’t answer if you don’t feel like it.)

        1. Alpha Bravo*

          A very old barn was torn down (preferable to falling down) and I’m putting up a new building on the old foundation once it’s leveled. That’s in process now. I’m hoping to have a new barn in the next few weeks.

    11. Tris Prior*

      I am assuming this is hormonal – perimenopause, probably. But, I now can hardly sleep during my period. I get maybe a couple hours of broken sleep per night, in between waking up drenched in sweat, having hot flashes, or – new development over the past couple months – menstrual migraine that OTC pain meds barely touch. Hooray.

      I have a doctor’s appointment in a few weeks – but meanwhile, this has been going on all week and not sleeping is completely destroying my ability to cope. Brain fog, crying spells, severe anxiety. I know it’s the lack of sleep talking but I just cannot keep myself on an even keel because I am so tired. I’m forgetting things. I have new(ish) kittens who are into everything and I have to be super hypervigilant about not leaving things out that can hurt them, closing and latching doors, etc. I’ve forgotten a few times, and found things destroyed, chewed, or smashed on the floor. Thankfully they weren’t hurt.

      I wasn’t able to take any sick time this week due to deadlines and people being on vacation; I think that would have helped if I could have.

      I’m wary of sleeping pills as they make me feel drunk the next morning but I am desperate (although That Time of the Month ended yesterday so I am hopeful that I’ll sleep tonight.)

      When I find myself freaking out, I’ve been trying to remind myself that this is the lack of sleep talking and that surely this cannot go on forever.

      Now, off to accomplish all the things I did not accomplish any evening this week – laundry, cleaning, groceries, cooking – because I was too tired. :/

    12. Sparrow*

      Long time reader, first time commenter on this thread. Thank you for keeping it going Junior Dev!
      I’m feeling a little worn down and burnt out. I’m reaching the end of one phase of my degree program and preparing to start another and I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends. I’m still enjoying what I’m learning, keeping up with work, and getting little bursts of energy, but they dissipate so rapidly and then everything feels like a slog again.
      I took a weekend trip to visit friends last weekend that was very joyful, but set me behind on studying, so I am using this weekend to catch up. I’m proud of saying no to a potential commitment that would have taken up all day today and been very emotionally draining. Tomorrow I plan to grocery shop and meal prep so I have healthy food for the week (I haven’t been eating well recently either).

    13. Panda Bandit*

      Relatively well. Thanks to everyone who responded to me last time I posted in this thread. I did a lot of cleaning last week, laundry, started a new painting, continued to nurture my relationships with people, stepped outside of my interaction comfort zone a few times, and made a doctor’s appointment. I’m on top of most of the things I need to do.

      I have a habit of dismissing small changes as not important and I’m working on that. I tend to compare everything to big top-of-the-mountain accomplishments and then feel bad because what I did wasn’t the enormous achievement.

      I hope things get better for you soon, Junior Dev. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice to offer but I wish you well.

    14. Environmental Compliance*

      Been yo-yoing more recently. But I do have an upcoming appointment with the Dr, so I’ll bring it up with her and see if maybe I need a medication adjustment. I’ve realized that 90% of my episodes are brought about due to anxiety, so addressing that fully probably would help.

      It’s funny to me (in a morbid sort of way) because I get comments/compliments? at work rather often of how laid-back I am, and calm. Uh, have you seen the inside of my brain? I’m good at pretending all’s okay. I’m getting significantly better at internalizing the calm too, and not just projecting, but still. The brain is going AHHHHHHHH while the face is going Yup, all’s good, no worries here, don’t mind me.

    15. Janeitenoir*

      Ehh. OCD is at the stage where it’s mostly unease and lingering doubts, which leaves me feeling disconnected, which leads into difficulties connecting with the SO, which feeds into OCD….a vicious circle. This probably has something to do with the fact that I’ve barely done ERP in the last week and a half – got a little complacent. I’ve only started feeling a little better after D&D last night, as I got to step out of my skin and into a high elf ranger who gives no s**** and has a promising new romance….

      I’m lucky in that I have an incredibly understanding SO who I love very much, and is willing to roll with the issues, especially since OCD hit at the 6-month mark in our relationship, which obviously threw things off. Still, I wish it were easier. I’d like to not feel like I’m lying all the time, when I know I’m not.

    1. HBucket*

      Before you say it, stop and take a pause. If someone starts speaking before you, take it as a sign that you aren’t supposed to say it. At least it works for me most of the time!

      1. Julia*

        Same! I guess taking a deep breath or counting to three in one’s head may work some times, or letting someone else speak first if there are more people involved. I still do it a lot, though.

    3. alex*

      LISTEN. That’s the best advice I ever got for social awkwardness. Listen attentively and patiently, and ask questions.

    4. misspiggy*

      These days I do a lot of rehearsing what I was going to say and then deciding not to say it. And planning in advance what topics not to mention with certain people.

    5. the gold digger*

      It’s exhausting. I have to remind myself all the time to keep my mouth shut. We had a work lunch yesterday and I spent pretty much the entire lunch telling myself silently, “Stop talking. STOP TALKING!”

      And for the past two years, I have had a note taped to my computer that says, “Por que no te callas?”

      I think about it all. the. time.

      And? I still talk too much.

      2. Amelia Pond*

        It’s so hard because our thoughts move so much faster than our mouths so it’s impossible to get out all the things you want to say! Or that’s what it’s like for me. Hurray for non-medicated ADHD! Man, give me a physical keyboard and I can get those thoughts out dang fast. Too bad it’s not so easy on a cellphone keyboard…

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Totally agreeing with those who say “slow down”.

      Remind yourself that you do not have to have every answer, every funny story, or every bit of news.

      Make yourself repeat in your mind what the other person just said. “Oh, they just told me they had a flat tire on the way to work.” This will slow you down some and it will also direct you to what was actually said, not what you THINK they said. (Misinterpretation causes foot-in-mouth situations.)

      Watch others who you admire as they interact with people. See what points you notice that you find admirable. Then look at the person they are talking with, when does this person seem to show that they appreciate your admired person’s words and thoughts?

      Years ago my biggest fear was the double entendre, especially if something could be interpreted as something sexual or something was a huge put down and I did not realize. One good thing to do is once you realize you have made a mistake, apologize immediately. You do not look like a jerk for apologizing, the opposite is true, you look classy and sincere. Ironically, you only have to go through this a few times and you will feel yourself getting stronger and more confident about how you speak. The reason for that is because you take immediate ownership of your mistakes.

    7. fposte*

      In addition to what others have said, I’ll go to my favorite theory again, and that’s the notion of being a Good Ender. Sure, some people are blurters, but a lot of us start fine and get into trouble when our sentences drift off the path and we begin to flail. For that, I recommend both knowing where you want to land when you start your trajectory, and, more conveniently, having some go-to quick-exit phrases in your pocket that you can interrupt yourself with. “Whoa, I’m losing track there–let’s let that go. [Turn conversation back to them.]” The trick of this is that it’s totally polite to interrupt *yourself*, so you can even yank that out mid-sentence. If it’s more of a quick situational exchange, like, with a cashier, you don’t even have to go that deep, because they don’t really care–just go for “Well, never mind. Thanks–have a good day!”

    8. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Acceptance can help. This is a thing you do and while it’s awkward and perhaps sometimes hurtful, it’s ok. You’re ok and no worse than anyone else for it. Nobody remembers your gaffes as well as you do. If you go into social situations all self-conscious and stiff, expecting to be awkward and hating it, then you’re more likely to be so, which makes you more self-conscious and so on. If you can lovingly accept this tendency in yourself, and accept the awkward things you say and the thoughts you have about them when you review your behavior, you are less likely to be awkward and you’ll create a positive cycle.

      Also think about when you tend to do it. Do you hate gaps in the conversation, meeting new people, do groups of more than 3 people make you uncomfortable, do you hate it when all eyes turn to you? If you know your weakness, you can better address how to handle those situations more as you’d like.

    9. Anon Anon Anon*

      There’s some good advice here. And I think another part of it is to acknowledge that most of us are awkward. It’s a common experience and it’s kind of funny. It’s ok to acknowledge it in the moment. It can be kind of a bonding thing. Just say, “Yikes, that was so awkward. I swear I mean well,” or something like that. Because chances are the other person has been there or they are feeling awkward at the same time as you. So it shouldn’t be a big deal. And I know that sometimes it is a big deal, and sometimes people don’t understand, but at least it’s a common type of experience. So forgive yourself, write about it as a funny thing that happened, and it probably will get better as time goes on.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This is a really good point. OP, notice how many times we read in the comments section or in an original letter,”oh this was so awkward!”. Decide to be comforted that others also feel awkwardness.
        Actually this is part of how rules of etiquette became so important. It was to make human behavior more predictable and make interactions less awkward, with the idea that this would help people build more relationships with each other.
        I think too many rules made it too hard but that is a problem that evolved gradually.

    10. LGC*

      Hi, fellow awkward person!

      A lot of people have given really good advice, which is to stop and listen. Be okay with some silence, if you feel the need to talk to fill it out.

      And learn! Are you making really similar missteps all the time? Maybe that response doesn’t work so well.

      But also, accept that you’re going to be awkward sometimes. I’m sure you’re not just the embarrassing things you say. And it’s not the end of the world if you say something regrettable! (I mean, look at all the terrible posts I’ve made on this site, and I still show up here.) Especially on the Internet, a LOT of people make it seem as if you make a faux pas, it’s this HUGE issue and you’re a Bad Person for your terrible judgment (or it can at least feel like that, having been on the receiving end). To put my foot (or at least my toes) in my mouth: not quite. You don’t need to wear a hair shirt because you said something awkward – just apologize and remember not to say or do the awkward thing.

      (And sometimes, it might even be the other party making things awkward!)

    11. matcha123*

      We are all awkward and never say the right thing at the right time. I know I don’t. But if I get home and think I said something that may have hurt my friend, then I will find a way to apologize later.
      People who are your friends or know you well will be able to respond faster to misunderstandings and that can help you to figure things out earlier and prevent them.

    12. PhyllisB*

      My former pastor’s wife used to say she only opened her mouth long enough to change feet. That gave me hope because if she felt that way (I didn’t think she had foot-in-mouth disease at all.) There was hope for us regular awkward folks that blunder through life.
      Like others have said, if you listen, pause, and take a breath, that will eliminate a lot of bad moments.

  10. Perpetua*

    Issues with sore breasts – looking for remedies :/

    My breasts seem to be quite sore for almost half the month now, from around two weeks before my period until I get it, and it’s quite annoying, painful and distracting. I think it’s gotten worse with years, I don’t remember feeling this frustrated before (I’m 30 now).

    I’m taking primrose oil capsules daily (recommended by my gyno) since the beginning of September, and it seemed to help last month, but this month it’s back to the same old pain. I’ve also switched to mostly wheat, sugar and dairy-free diet in the past few weeks (partly in hope that it would help with my hormones in general, including this), but no improvement so far.

    Anything else I can do to help myself?

    1. frystavirki*

      I had a similar issue with mine, which was definitely giving me dysphoria issues (trans guy, so I have Boob Problems) and I was wondering if you were on hormonal birth control of any kind? I ended up going off mine since I don’t need it for actual birth control reasons, just hormone reasons, but if you can’t go off yours, it might be worth trying out a different kind, either a different pill or a different method altogether. The pain was essentially there all month and went down to just PMS-related after I stopped taking that pill.

      1. Perpetua*

        Nope, no hormonal birth control for 7 years now, and no plans to go back on it either. And this seems to be PMS-related, but two weeks out of every month is too much for me :/ Glad to hear it’s better for you now!

    2. Kuododi*

      Sorry love but any changes in overall breast condition means go to the Dr. Time for a mammogram and depending on those results also a breast ultrasound. That’s not something on which to wait. Not trying to be an alarmist…. just want you to be safe and not delay an appropriate assessment of the situation. Best wishes.

      1. Perpetua*

        Thank you for your concern! I mentioned this to my gyno last time, she had me do a full hormone checkup and recommended the primrose oil, and she didn’t seem to be concerned. She’s regarded as an expert and my friends have had great experiences with her, and she seems to have a holistic approach that I like, so while I know that one should be their best advocate, there are no indications that I shouldn’t trust her judgement.

        I did some additional research and it seems that breast pain, especially dull/sore like mine is almost never related to breast cancer.

        But I’ll bring this up with her again the next time I see her. This is not a drastic change in my breast condition, I think it’s more the fact that I’m less willing to live with the pain and take it for granted.

    3. Lena Clare*

      Magnesium supplements helped me.

      Also: cutting out sugar (which you’re already doing) and stopping drinking caffeinated drinks. The caffeine was the main thing that made a massive difference although I do miss it :/ decaffeinated coffee and tea have a small amount in, so not even that unfortunately, but the pay-off is more equilibrium in my hormones.

      1. Perpetua*

        I forgot to add, I’ve been taking magnesium and zinc with primrose oil daily! Maybe I need to give my body more time to adjust…

        Hmm, caffeine. I can add it to my list of elimination experiments and see how I feel, thanks! I drink one coffee a day usually 4-5 days a week, so I’m not a huge coffee drinker, but I guess it doesn’t take a lot if that’s the culprit.

        1. HBucket*

          Caffeine was my issue back in the days when I was that young! I cut back but didn’t quit it altogether because… you know.. COFFEE!!

        2. Rainy*

          I tried caffeine elimination for my breast pain in my early 20s and was off it for most of 5 years with absolutely no reduction in pain, so if it doesn’t work in the first few months that’s probably not it. :)

            1. Rainy*

              Age and hbc worked for mine, btw, but it sounds like yours has come on with age and hbc, so I got nothing. :) Good luck though, it *sucks*.

    4. only acting normal*

      I found a well fitting bra helped me a bit with this. Not eliminate it, but make the difference between ‘generally sore’ and ‘scared to brush the side of my boob with my arm because of the pain’.

      1. Perpetua*

        Was it because of increased comfort or something else? Because I wear only sports bras and I would hope they fit as well as they can. :D

        1. only acting normal*

          More the correct support. I’d been buying ever softer bras in an attempt to help with the pain, but stopping that course and instead going for better ‘scaffolding’ in the *right* size helped more. (I was wearing the wrong size – 36B instead of 32DD – because I was using the old “add 4 inches to your rib measurement” method, which is soooooo wrong.)

    5. MissMia*

      I’ve been having this problem for over three months now, continuous pain and discomfort, but mine have also grown a cup size as well. At first my gyno was concerned that I was pregnant and just not coming up on the tests, but it’s not likely, so she’s a bit stumped. No scans or anything beyond a basic exam. She suggested a sports bra, but I haven’t been able to afford one. Short of icing them, I haven’t come up with a solution yet.

      Good luck! Hope you find a solution!

    6. Nerdgal*

      Ask your doctor about vitamin E. Mine told me to take it. Agree with the poster below that you need to see the doctor.

    7. Valancy Snaith*

      Has your gynecologist done a series of blood tests on you? Because primrose oil, etc., could be useful, but sore breasts around a certain time of the month could speak to out-of-balance progesterone or estrogen levels. Ask for those tests.

      1. Perpetua*

        I’ve done a series of blood tests, but not progesterone or oestrogen. I do think it might be a progesterone issue, since I have longer spotting before my period as well. I’ll bring it up with her next time, thanks!

        1. Gaia*

          This sounds like what I dealt with with my progesterone levels were off. One thing I’ll caution you: it took 4 years to diagnose this with me because I don’t naturally fall into a “normal” range for progesterone levels to begin with so my levels were “normal” but not normal for me. As always, listen to your body: you know when something isn’t right and sudden dull breast pain two weeks out of every month may be your body telling you something has changed.

        2. Dr. Anonymous*

          Because hormone ranges are pretty broad, it’s not clear all the time how useful the tests are, but it’s wirth having the discussion, certainly.

      1. Perpetua*

        The relationship between caffeine and breast pain somehow did not cross my mind, but now that several of you have mentioned it (and a quick Google search finds other examples of it), I’ll try going without it for a while, it’s worth a shot. Thanks!

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      I found on months when I didn’t exercise enough, they felt worse, to the point I had to wear a sports bra to bed because sleeping was just impossible. I was the same, two weeks out of every month.

      I did find it went away when I got my iud and off the pill, but you said you’re not on hormonal bc. Maybe it is time to chat with the MD, just to be sure.

      1. Perpetua*

        Eh, exercising is my sore (haha) spot, I keep planning to get back into it, but never do.

        This might be a good additional motivator! :)

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Radically reducing red meats helped me with a lot of period issues.
      Make sure you are drinking water each day. Hydration is a good scatter-gun for many pain issues.

    11. Becky*

      Sore breasts before your period are caused by hormone induced fluid retention, so cutting back salt might help, as well as caffeine (as suggested below). Midol has a diuretic in it so you could try that on particularly bad days.

  11. Sundown*

    TW for some talk on abusive relationships.

    Okay so I’ve been a reader for many years but have never posted anything but people here seem to be super helpful so here goes.

    Many years ago I was in a relationship with a guy who was physically and emotionally abusive… I won’t go into details but it’s safe to say it screwed me up for a very long time, and even though I’m over all of it now there are still some things that people to (unconciously) that bring me back to that time.
    My problem is, a couple weeks ago I found out that this guy has been arrested 3 times for domestic abuse. He has a child with one of his ex’s that he is only allowed to see under supervision. Now for some reason I cannot get this information out of my head. I think about it every day and feel.. guilty? Angry? I don’t know. Part of me feels like I need to tell my current partner but I don’t know why as it’s old news and doesn’t affect our relationship. I just feel a little lost and confused and I keep having memories of our relationship and I feel bad cause I never did anything about it.

    This is all a bit of a jumbled mess, but I don’t know what to do! Or how I should feel! Can anyone shed some light on why I feel like this is all my fault, even though logically I know it isn’t.

    1. This Daydreamer*

      Most people who are abused blame themselves. It’s partly because of the mind games that abusers play and, I think, partly as a coping mechanism. If you feel that the abuse is your fault, then you can believe that you can do something to stop it.

      Those mind games really mess up the head of everyone who has been abused. Everyone. If it weren’t for emotional abuse and gaslighting, no one would put up with being physically abused.

      NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

      He is the one who chose to be abusive. Your responsibility was to yourself. Whether or not you had chosen to press charges (I’m guessing you didn’t) there wouldn’t have been much of a punishment for him, and the process of going through trial can be real torture. Not everyone can do it.

      There is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent him from finding more victims. Abusers are really good at spotting people they can control.

      You’re angry because he hurt you in many ways, You’re angry because he did the same thing to other women. You’re angry because it’s still having an effect on your life and I’m sure you just want to forget him.

      Oh, and you did do something about it. You left. That really is a significant achievement. I work at a domestic violence shelter and I have completely lost track of women who call us and plan to come in but don’t show up, and those who come in, but end up going back to their abuser and then have to return to the shelter. Every single one of them blamed themselves.

      You might find it helpful to join a support group (your local DV shelter probably has one) or seek therapy. This guy has been making you miserable for far too long. As to telling your current partner, do what feels right to you. You don’t owe him the whole story, but he might be a valuable source of support.

      1. Sundown*

        Thank ok for this.. alot of what you said did make sense. I guess I just find it hard to be rational with myself if that makes sense. You’re right that I didn’t press charges, honestly it took me probably far too long to realise that how the relationship was isn’t how a relationship should be. I was only 16 and very naive and didn’t realise that it wasn’t normal.

      2. Gaia*

        Even if you had pressed charges, he would have gotten out (if he ever even actually got convicted and sentenced) and when he did…he would have found more victims. That is him, not you, Sundown. You are not responsible.

    2. Kim*

      Echoing what This Daydreamer is saying. It was *not* your fault.

      You do not have to disclose if you don’t want to.
      If you have the means, please consider therapy.

      1. Sundown*

        Unfortunately I don’t have the money for therapy. My work offers 8 sessions with a therapist which I’ve taken advantage of before but 8 sessions isn’t really enough. There are some places that do free or discounted therapy but none in my area which is annoying but such is life!

        1. Woodswoman*

          Repeating what others have said but I don’t think it can be said too much–this is not your fault.

          A suggestion for therapy–if your work offers 8 sessions, you might consider finding a therapist who offers EMDR therapy. It’s designed specifically for trauma and the concept is that it helps rewire your neurological system faster than traditional talk therapy alone. I’ve benefited from EMDR myself in just a few sessions. There’s lots of info about the technique online, as well as an EMDR website that I believe lists practitioners.

          1. boo bot*

            Cognitive behavioral therapy is also designed to help “rewire” the way you think, works pretty quickly, and can actually be done with or without a therapist (you can get workbooks and do it on your own), so if you use the 8 sessions to get started, you don’t end up stuck wherever you leave off when the time runs out.

            Another possibility is that remote therapy via text or chat is becoming increasingly common, so if you can’t find free or low-cost options in your area, you might see what’s available remotely.

    3. Anna*

      Your a user probably spent a good deal of energy making sure you felt that his behavior was your fault, either overtly or subtly. When you heard news about him, old feelings about the situation might have bubbled to the surface, and coming out as “this was my fault, I should have stopped him.”

      His behavior is 100% his own fault. There really wasn’t anything you could have done, except get yourself away from him, which you did. I hope you can release yourself from this guilt in the same way. If not, it might be time for some therapy.

    4. Llellayena*

      If you’re comfortable with your boyfriend knowing, tell him. If only in a “I’ve got something affecting me right now so I may seem off for a bit.” And please find a therapist to help you through this, some of the domestic abuse hotlines can probably help find someone. If you feel comfortable with this, you might consider sharing your experience with the prosecutor to help them establish pattern (I watch SVU too much), but ONLY do this if you’re comfortable AND have support. Good luck.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That is true, though. How many women come forward once an abuser is prosecuted? We see this in real life all the time. Exes come forward to say, “You know… back in the 90s I dated this person and……”
        The prosecuting attorney may or may not use your information in court. She may use it in building up her case in some manner in the background. Likewise you can give your same information to the police. This way both parties know.
        You can start at home by making an outline of the points you want to cover.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Some times things happen and the events tear open old wounds, that we thought were knitted over and closed. It’s not unusual. You are human, you have emotions, it’s okay to have emotions. I think you know that.

      And confusingly we can have a bunch of emotions at the same time. Grief is well known for causing anger, sadness, depression, hyper-activity, numbness and so on. Just a whole mixed kettle of emotions. My suggestion is to respect each emotion, it’s okay to have this mixed bag and each emotion happens for a different reason. You maybe experiencing a form of grief. Dunno, not a doc.

      You could not protect those other people, no more so than anyone could really protect you. It’s really amazing how vulnerable we can be. It’s kind of scary to think about it.

      Look for ways to take back your power/autonomy. It might be as simple as making a donation to a group who helps folks in DV situations. Or it might be really understanding that you got yourself out of it, it’s no longer happening to you. (Flash backs can really catch us off guard.) Everyone has something uniquely theirs that resonates with them as their response to loss of power.

    6. Emmie*

      I’m sorry you’re going though this. It wasn’t your fault. Abusers continue to abuse and it never was or is your responsibility to change him. I can see how this would be triggering for you. I left my abuser five years ago and have not responded to his outreach in maybe three years. Every year, I feel better bit then something happens that makes me realize I still have work to do. The passage of time has probably helped you, but it’s normal to still be impacted by this. Your choice to tell your bf is yours. You may be off, and he may be supportive. You can choose to tell the prosecutor too. Your story may help them see a pattern instead of an isolated occurrence. Sending hugs to you. I’m proud of you for leaving and for building a better life.

    7. Not A Manager*

      If you trust your partner, you might think about sharing this with them. I’ve had some things in my past that felt very big and weighty. I felt that I couldn’t disclose them to other people for various reasons. Not so much that they were secret, but they felt shameful, and I was afraid of being blamed, and I was even more afraid that the other person would minimize my experience. I didn’t “really” feel like I “really” had permission to be traumatized, so I was very tender about being scolded by someone else for it.

      My actual experience was that naming the thing, and saying it in words out loud, almost immediately removed a lot of that secret internal power that it had. I’m not saying that it fixed everything, but it was a big relief. Also, the loving and reasonable people that I spoke to did not think it was no big deal and that I should get over myself. So I silenced some of that self-talk as well.

      Best wishes to you.

      1. Gaia*

        This. A big reason many survivors of abuse don’t disclose is shame. They are embarrassed that they “let” this happen. They are embarrassed that they were “weak.” They are embarrassed that they didn’t leave (or didn’t leave soon enough).

        There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You certainly do not have to disclose this to your current partner – or anyone – but if you want to, you should. It may feel like “old news” but it is part of who you are, it likely forms a part of the way you behave in relationships today (for the good or for the less than great).

        1. Sundown*

          I think that’s part of my problem.
          Even though I tell myself over and over that it wasn’t my fault and it was all on him. There’s still that small niggling part of me that is saying ‘why in God’s name would you let anyone treat you like that? You’re stupid and pathetic’ blah blah blah. It’s annoying and I tell myself to stop. But… I can’t

          1. Not So NewReader*

            A good response to that nagging/annoying feeling is to learn more about how these things happen. I am sure you know what to watch for, but you can seek out other information to round out what you know.

            This practice, of reading up and learning more and more, is a good response to many of life’s nightmares that don’t shake off easily. I have had problems with family members that have caused me to dive a bit deeper into topics than I would have otherwise. Some of the info is redundant as you read on and on but it’s good to see so many authors saying similar things. It can grow something inside of us.

    8. Observer*

      Think about this – he was arrested three times! In other words he WAS reported, and nothing happened several times! You were 16, you can be sure that unfortunately your concerns would have been brushed off.

    9. Gaia*

      People who are triggered by discussions of abuse may not want to read this:

      My father was abusive. I have very few memories of my childhood, but the earliest (I have no idea how old I was but i must have been sub 2) is of my father throwing a microwave, presumably at my mother. He never abused me, which is why when my mother fled with my older sister (not his daughter, she left when he hit her for the first time) she left me with him until she could get settled. We spent my childhood moving around our city every few months . His parents still lived in the city, although I think he moved away. My next memory is several years later and is of their attempt to kidnap me.

      I recently learned that he has another daughter, a few years younger than me. She somehow found me on facebook (I’m guessing she knew my last name from him as it is my mother’s maiden name) and sent me a massively long message about how he abused her during her childhood and she’s worried because he now has another child. The amount of guilt I instantly felt was so strong and so horrible. I felt responsible for what this girl endured and I didn’t. I felt like if I had allowed him back into my life the multiple times he tried to contact me, maybe it would have been different (it wouldn’t have, I know).

      I know none of this was reasonable because it wasn’t my fault, it was his. But that is the power of abuse, the victims are made to feel responsible for the behavior of the predator. YOU are not to blame for HIS actions. Only he is to blame. Only he is responsible. Not you. Not anyone else.

  12. This Daydreamer*

    So, is anyone else going to do NaNoWriMo? I’m planning on it and really hoping I can succeed, unlike the past few years. I’m stoked about the story I’m writing this year, and I certainly have the time, so I feel like I’ve got a good chance.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I mistimed it. I spent all of September and much of October writing up a storm, because that’s when my inspiration hit. Now that it’s almost November, my inspiration is about gone and I’m blocked. Oh well, I still have some time to get my mojo back… or we could say that September was my November :-)

    2. Julia*

      I really want to, but my story prep isn’t done, and I’m also job hunting, which takes a lot of time. If I don’t receive any offers this week (I’m waiting to hear from some places), I’ll send in my last few applications on November 1 and then take November off to be an unemployed writer.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      I am! I need a major distraction this November so I’m going for it. I did it several years ago and succeeded (that was a year they were doing a special where winners could get a free bound copy of their book, so I have tangible evidence that I have never ever ever opened), but I won’t be too bothered if I don’t manage it this time. I’m excited!

    4. King Friday XIII*

      I am! It has been an uphill battle every year since Tuesday was born but I’m feeling pretty good right now.

      1. Turtlewings*

        I was just saying that to another writer friend, that November is really an awful time for it! Only December could be worse, and of course that’s supposed to be Revisions Month. She says she does it in January; I might try that this year.

      2. merp*

        Have you/others ever done Camp Nanowrimo? I never have but I’m curious about how it differs, since I also could never swing November.

        That being said, the unofficial, whenever works best method is totally valid!

    6. Shrunken Hippo*

      I want to but my schedule is too crowded. Instead I’m hoping to do one writing prompt a day from different character’s point of view. I will still working on my writing, and exploring different potential aspects of my characters should be fun.

    7. Best cat in the world*

      I am but I’m not aiming for 50,000, I’m aiming to finish the story (never hit 50,000 anyway!). Going to try a children’s book this time and then see how it goes.

    8. OyHiOh*

      My plan has been to finish a not-a-novel writing project during the month but an idea dropped into my lap this morning and I might run with that instead. I haven’t done any prep at all though so might be better off sticking with plan A.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I’m planning to give it a go again this year. Last year did not work out for me–I got the worst cold EVER and lost an entire week and it just collapsed in a heap of nothing.

      I’m not sure what I’m going to write, however. A project I’ve been sitting on for a while seems likely, and I wrote an outline, but I’m very unsure about it.I’m feeling a lot of pressure to hurry hurry hurry and write something that will actually sell but I have no idea if anyone would want anything I produce. :P Plus, it’s clashing in my head with another concept and I don’t know if the two are compatible.

    10. Kowalski! Options!*

      I wasn’t going to, but I saw that a couple of friends of mine are planning to do it, so I said what the hell and signed up. I’m actually taking off for a research trip on Tuesday (2 weeks in Spain researching…uh…architecture of palaces…) so since I gotta get to it at some point in time…

  13. TL -*

    My flatmate has a new girlfriend; they’ve been dating for less then a month but spending lots of time together at our flat because hers is noisy. This week, Girlfriend invited a friend over to drunk-watch their favorite TV show and I got told after friend had arrived.
    Then same friend swung by to drop off a loaf of bread last night and came in the door without knocking at 9 pm at night.

    I am not happy (our open door policy has been cancelled and I will be chatting to my flatmate about boundaries) but just like…who thinks this kind of behavior is okay?!

    1. Julia*

      His girlfriend invited a friend to your apartment?? That’s really not okay. I hope your flatmate sees reason on this soon.

      1. TL -*

        Yeahhhh…not sure if he suggested it or she did, but I am really not cool with her entertaining at our place (and didn’t feel that this was a boundary I had to preemptively put into place?)

        In line with what WellRed says below, I get the feeling she thinks that I am living in Flatmate’s place, rather than that Flatmate and I are splitting a place.

        Also update – she used my towel, which was hanging up on the bar, rather than the folded, clean, guest towel on our little towel rack. And I heard Flatmate tell her, “Oh, there’s a clean towel in there.”

        1. Julia*

          Even if no one told me not to, I would never in a million years think to invite someone to a place I don’t live. But maybe she does think that you’re the guest in her boyfriend’s apartment, as you say. If so, he needs to make it clear to her that it’s your space just as well as his, and she needs to respect that. Holy moly.

    2. WellRed*

      They’ve only been dating a month and GF acts like she owns the place. Maybe this relationship will burn itself out quckly, but set boundaries, fast! Otherwise, she will be living there rent free.

      1. Ender Wiggin*

        I used to agree with flatmates that if someone stayed over 4 or more nights in a week they had to pay rent for that week. No one ever ended up staying over 4 nights

      2. TL -*

        Luckily he travels a lot for work and I’ve already mentioned that if stops travelling, then it’s not okay that she stays here all the time.

        Her flat problems are not something I care about and it especially irks me because I actually really prioritize having a clean and quiet flat and she does zero to help out when she’s here; she won’t even take dishes to the sink. That isn’t a big deal in and of itself, but it gets really irksome when it starts to feel like she’s taking advantage of all the work I put into keeping our place nice. (Flatmate definitely helps but he travels at least 50% of the time and pays half the bills so I really don’t care how much housework he does.)

        1. ..Kat..*

          Wait, is she coming over when flatmate is not home? And inviting others over? No no no no no. Put a stop to this now. And, lock your door. And don’t give her a key.

          1. TL -*

            she doesn’t come over when flatmate is not here, no! That would be a hard no. She’s just here whenever he is here. (Which has felt like a lot this week because he’s been home more than normal.)

            And yeah, the door has always been locked lately, which neither of them are happy about but oh well.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      Yes, it’s rude.
      Yes, set clear rules and boundaries about who can stay and how long and the invite policy.
      Yes, it can be kinda normal (especially if you’re young).
      I’ve had roommates where the apartment was quite open with people crashing all the time. But that was back when I was in my early 20’s and much more tolerant of such things. I was also happy to get my own place when I was older.

      1. TL -*

        We definitely don’t have an ‘super open people come by whenever’ type of home (one of my brothers did and, nope, that is not my lifestyle). Flatmate parties outside the home and I tend to go out for entertainment/social time. If someone comes over, it’s just one or two and they’re always invited.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Do YOU leave the door unlocked or did one of them do that? That’s a huge security issue in my book.

      I long ago shared a house with 2 other people and one had her BF over often–but not only did he help with housework, he cooked bisquits on weekend mornings. To share.

      1. TL -*

        I grew up in a small town and usually if I’m home during the day I leave the door unlocked. Flatmate is the same way (though I’m better about locking it at night.)

        But now door is locked any time I’m home because it actually really freaked me out that a stranger felt that comfortable just walking into my house.

        1. Gaia*

          I’m not gonna lie, I would have lost it if my roommate’s girlfriend’s friend (!?!?!) just strolled through my damn door. There would have been a SCENE.

  14. Flash Bristow*

    Oh, Alison, I’m so sorry. Sam looks like a gorgeous, amazing cat. What lovely markings on their chest and paws. 15 is a good age, but it’s never enough, is it… My sympathies.

  15. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Philadelphia AAMers! I’m heading to Philly in a few weeks and my wife and I be using the mass transit system when there. I’ve just learned that tokens were eliminated and now there’s a “Key” system.

    So here are my questions:
    –Can two people share a “Key,” the same way two people could use the same MetroCard in NYC? It costs $4.95 to buy each Key and we probably won’t be in Philly for another five years after this, so it would be lovely to not have a double expense.
    –If we don’t use a “Key” and just pay cash, do the subways and buses have fare boxes, and do you just use quarters etc? It sounds like the buses do, but there’s contradictory info about the subways.

    My wife and I will probably use a total (between the two of us) of five or six rides over two days on the buses. There’s a $9 one-day pass, but no two-day option. What makes the most sense as far as how we do the fares? Thanks in advance from this Philly transit novice!

    1. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Dig the link in my handle to see about the Independence Pass and the One-Day Convenience Pass. I’m pretty sure you can get the Convenience Pass on a card rather than having to buy a Key.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Honestly, if it were me I’d just pay cash for all your rides, because 6 x $2.50 = $15.00, where 2 one-day passes will run you $18.00. See this second link. The operators won’t give change, so have the exact fare ready so you don’t pay a 50-cent “SEPTA tax” with your $3.00 payment. :) The buses and trolleys have fare boxes. Most of the subway stations will have a human operator in a booth that you’ll pay your fare to.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I somehow missed your other comment re: paying cash. Thanks so much! It’s good to know the subways still have a human presence (at least, hopefully the stations I’ll be using will!)

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thank you, I appreciate it! The only problem with the One-Day Convenience Pass (which, to be fair, happens in every city with one-day passes, not just Philadelphia) is that ideally I’d need something to work for a 24 hour period from (say) 2 pm Saturday to 2 pm Sunday, and the Convenience Pass expires the same calendar day you buy it. So I’d need to buy two sets of One-Day Convenience Passes. At that point, perhaps it makes more sense to just buy two Keys and find some excuse to go back to Philly sometime (it’s a great city!)

    2. phillyphilly*

      “Effective May 4, 2018, the cost to purchase a Key Card is $4.95. If you Register your Card within 30 days of the purchase date, the $4.95 purchase fee will automatically be applied to the Card Travel Wallet (only valid for Cards purchased on or after May 4, 2018). The $4.95 can be used to pay for an individual ride or toward the future purchase of a Weekly, Monthly, or One Day Convenience Pass. This reimbursement will be limited to two cards per customer account.”

      Protip register your card online and you get your 5 bucks back as fare

  16. Loopy*

    This is a stretch but I need recommendations and I’m so at a loss! I decided to start Christmas shopping early, go me! BUT my grand idea for my fiance is proving to be a struggle.

    He has found himself increasingly interested in stock investing in the past few years. Not to the point he wants to be a day trader but to the point where he actually really loves following the market and is much more knowledgeable and active than the average person. I wanted to get him some tool or gift that would help him do more with his own investments since this has become his main interest.

    My initial thought was to get him software that had more functionality more than the bank website he uses now (though TBH what they provide seems pretty robust), but I’m at a loss because I don’t know enough to know what’s extra useful and what mirrors the site his bank provides. He absolutely has no need for consolidating everything in one place, which was a main feature I kept seeing. I thought about books but he’s already read so much to learn about the market that I felt it was likely they’d repeat what he already knows. A class is out because his work schedule varies week to week wildly.

    Does anyone have any recommendations for tools/software/gifts for someone super interested in the stock market and is already well versed?

    Also…. Unrelated, if anyone could recommend a mascara that’s affordable and at someplace like CVS that doesn’t clump… That would be appreciated too :)

    1. HBucket*

      I have no recs for the stock tool but I know the world’s greatest mascara is not available at CVS and is not super cheap but well worth it!! If I could post a before and after pic of my eyelashes you would be totally sold! It’s called Better Than Sex and you can get it at Sephora or Ulta. It’s about $23 I think. But you really don’t need as much as you do of any other brand I have ever used in my whole life and I am old!!

      1. Cosette*

        Not to knock any of the less expensive mascaras, because a lot don’t clump… but the Better Than Sex will really make your lashes pop with very little product compared to the others. It’s amazing. (I don’t sell it, I just love it!) But I also get that $23 can be a lot of money for mascara!

      2. Loopy*

        Ooooo I will get this someday but money is *so* tight I’ll need to skip it right now. I definitely appreciate the recommendation though! I *only* do eye makeup so I love getting something that really makes them pop!

        1. tink*

          L’Oreal Lash Paradise is the drugstore dupe of Better Than Sex and it’ll run you $10. You may also try the Elf waterproof lengthening and volumizing for $3. :)

    2. HeatherB*

      You might look into getting him a subscription to Morningstar. Check out their website for details but it lets you track your own investments, fund ratings, managers, webinars, etc. They have a 14 day free trial. I second the Better Than Sex Mascara. It’s not cheap but it’s amazing. I also like the Milk Makeup Kush mascara. Ulta usually has coupons available and I think sephora has their annual sale right before/around the holidays???

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        As a business librarian, I’ll co-sign the Morningstar idea. Morningstar is fabulous! If you’re very lucky, your local library might already have a subscription, though :-)

        1. Loopy*

          I’ll look into Morningstar, thanks! He’d definitely use it more at home than the library so it’s still a great option. It’s just so hard to figure out what is worth pay for that you can’t get for free as someone who does *not* care for following the market and has no clue what’s out there (except that there’s a lot!).

          Also I am definitely writing down that mascara name! Alas, money is super tight so it’ll be a while (I have a 40% coupon off for CVS).

          1. Cambridge Comma*

            I don’t know if US libraries do this but in Europe often when the library has a subscription to an online resource, library members can also access it from home, so that may be worth looking into.

          2. thankful for AAM*

            If your library has a subscription, you can most likely access it from home with a library card. At least in most of the US.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      The only thing that comes to mind is a session with a Certified Financial Planner who specializes in stock investing, maybe? I’ve learned everything I know on personal investing by reading a lot, asking questions on forums, and then occasional checkups with CFPs where I ask new questions. It might be expensive, and a CFP usually helps with an investment plan, but some must know more about stock trading than others.

      The Early Retirement forums (should be the first results for those three words) has a lot of people who know a LOT about investing, and there’s a lot of investment discussion there that doesn’t necessarily even mention retirement, it’s just about strategy and planning in general, because of the obvious connection there.

      1. fposte*

        Garrett Planning Network (the main network devoted to fee-only financial planning) does have an investment equivalent, Garrett Investment Network. I’d start there (they don’t have a ton of advisors but consultations don’t have to be in-person); however, I note that while GPN planners all adhere to the fiduciary standard, I’m not seeing that as a standard for GIN, so I’d ask any prospective advisor if they’re fiduciaries and pass if they’re not.

      2. Loopy*

        Thanks to both Cosmic Avenger and fposte. I know he’s seen someone before and so again, I’m worried about duplication. It’s hard to try and buy something for someone who’s at an advanced level with any interest! But I’m determined to at lease make an effort!

    5. Justme, The OG*

      No idea about stocks but the best mascara I’ve ever used is Essence in the blue tube, around $5 at Ulta.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I don’t know if I have an Ulta nearby but I’ll keep a mental note, thats a great price!

        1. SansaStark*

          I second this – although I love the one in the green tube. It’s called Lash Princess and it’s amaaaazing.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      Can’t help with the stock trading but for cheap mascara, L’Oréal voluminous is a great option, as well as the original Maybelline (pink tube, green lid). Both no clumpy and the L’Oréal is on par with the pricey stuff. For expensive, if you want to splurge (or during the Sephora sale), Benefit, either They’re Real or Rollerlash, or Tarte Maneater, or the original Buxom, or yes, Too Faced Better Than Sex. All awesome mascaras, around the same price point ($28-36).

            1. Boo Hoo*

              Oh. Funny the brush is the best for me. The Too Faced ones the brush sucks for me, which also sucks because my sister works for Too Faced so I get massive amount of free makeup. I did just use a sample of a YSL one that i loved, not sure exactly which.

      2. Ginger ale for all*

        Try going to beautypedia and looking at their recommendations. I currently use a mascara designed for volume but I think the ones that are designed for length clump a lot less.

    8. FalafalBella*

      If he doesn’t already get it, a year’s subscription to the Wall Street Journal (delivered daily) might be a great gift. (If you are affiliated with a school or university, there is an amazingly inexpensive deal… we pay less than $5.00 a month)!

      1. Loopy*

        This is a great suggestion. Do you know if they have an electronic option? He hates clutter and we already get way too much paper magazines delivered!

    11. Kat in VA*

      No recs for stock tool (we have someone do that for us), but stupidest-name-ever Clump Crusher by Cover Girl doesn’t clump. It doesn’t give you ginormous or super long lashes, but for a basic mascara that doesn’t give you globs or those weird little balls on the tips of your lashes, CG is good. It also washes off pretty easily, isn’t waterproof but can withstand watery eyes, and is a good all-around mascara that won’t break the bank.

    12. Simonkitty*

      Look at the American Association of Individual Investors (aaii.com) for news letters and groups. The money budget software such as Quicken Deluxe has the stock tracking software.

  17. Erika22*

    Has anyone gone to Tokyo and have recommendations on cheap accommodations? A couple friends and I have wanted to go for ages and made it a goal to go next year. After looking at flights I’m just like AHHHHH and am now seriously considering hostels (though I haven’t done hostels since college) just to afford the trip as a whole, since I want to have a few good meals and do a little shopping. Suggestions?

    1. Julia*

      Unfortunately I’ve never needed a hotel in Tokyo (either lived there or stayed with friends), but I’ve used hostels in other Japanese cities and found them clean. If you’re a group, you can rent a room for four or eight and be among yourselves only. Stay away from AirBnB, they’re cracking down on violations right now and your accommodation might get cancelled with no notice (or reimbursement).

    2. K*

      When I traveled in Japan, I was usually able to find ok hotels that were a bit cheaper than a comparable American hotel. (Using booking .com fwiw.) But I also know a lot of people who have stayed in hostels and had a good experience, so I think you will have a great time no matter how you end up doing things.

    3. matcha123*

      When I traveled to Tokyo from a different prefecture, I would stay in “cheap” business hotels. APA Hotel or Toyoko Inn are other options. Also Sakura House if you don’t mind the hostels.
      If you are female, there are not many cheap capsule hotels for women. Most are aimed at men, and can be so cheap…
      For business hotels here, “cheap” is usually about 5,000 yen a night. For hostel-type places, about 3,000 yen a night is cheap. But many of these places advertise in Japanese only and if you can’t speak Japanese, you won’t be able to communicate with the staff. Also, the super cheap places don’t have showers in the rooms. There is a shared bath with hours for men and women or for-pay coin showers.

      1. and her hats are ugly*

        I would try to avoid APA if possible because despite their cheap prices, the lady who owns them is a crazy right-wing nationalist who puts racist right-wing pamphlets and books in every room. Basically the equivalent of a Holocaust-denier :(

    4. Dan*

      How cheap is cheap?

      Depending on how you feel about credit cards and how your credit score is, Tokyo is a great place to use hotel loyalty points. Right now, Chase is running a promotion with Hyatt where you get their credit card and you’ll get 60,000 points after meeting some minimum spend requirements. This will get 3-4 nights (depends on which hotel). If you have a couple of friends and you all do this, you’ll save quite a bit of money and have a blast.

      Marriott/SPG is also an option, but I’m not as up on the particulars since Marriott took over SPG.

      This is how I travel Tokyo on the cheap. It’s expensive otherwise, unless you really want to sacrifice your accommodations.

    5. Catherine*

      I really love APA Hotel but if you can read any Japanese you can often find cheap ($40~/night) inns on Jalan.net.

    6. Erika22*

      Thank you all for the suggestions! Especially the heads up about Airbnb (which is my go-to). I’d say I’m fairly well traveled, but between cost of flying to Tokyo and my brain short circuiting when looking at Tokyo on google maps, finding accommodations suddenly feels like a much bigger task than it usually is!

  18. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread!
    For those who plan to participate in NaNoWriMo: how are you preparations going?
    For those who don’t: how’s your writing going?
    And for those who like spooky things: feel free to share your own spooky writings here! And for the non-fiction writers/not all that creative writers: feel free to share a work/school Halloween-gone-wrong story.

    1. Dance-y Reagan*

      I’ve just finished two poems. Working up the nerve to submit somewhere…I use Writer’s Market/Poet’s Market but it feels a bit like closing my eyes and throwing darts.

    2. poetry writing*

      I went to a poetry workshop today and it was really great. It was focused on using images as starting points and I realized I tend to start with feelings and not images, which explains some of my difficulties in some other classes/workshops I’ve taken. I also felt really good that I had this poem/idea that I wrote and wrote on but it just wasn’t right, you know? and then finally! I hit on how to structure the poem and I think it turned out good – I had to discard all the previous writing but I got to what I wanted to. I really love that feeling.

  19. Loopy*

    Okay posting twice this week. I think this community is a good place for this issue I’ve been having.

    –>TW for body image issues.<–

    So, I got engaged 10 months ago. Before engagement and in the early months, I always said I'd never be that bride who spent the months up to the wedding miserably dieting (in other words, not the healthy kind of diet but the Must-Have-Flat-Stomach-Food-Is-The-Enemy type). I watched a coworker go through it and she spent months alternating between salads and ellipticals. I even said I had no interest in a slim, form fitting dress because I knew I'd be self conscious. The thought of dieting and exercising to be the perfect barbie doll bride really always sounded miserable and unhealthy to me and I was sure I wouldn't fall into that- I hadn't owned a scale for years.

    I also jumped on the wedding boards because I love forums and I was over the moon about getting married. Well, after ten months of looking at brides in the forms, being around bride talk, and seeing model brides posted on every single wedding related website, and here I am, miserable and utterly body obsessed.

    One part of my brain knows this is mostly a product of the media showing me endless pictures of what a bride looks like, and that being model perfect. Another is seeing younger brides who have followed the same model looking radiant image and also, well, they look gorgeous.

    The thing is- I didn't have these issues before getting involved in wedding planning. And it's like I've been obsessed. I look at my body so differently now and everything I eat is framed in relation to The Dress. I know therapy is probably the answer but right now I dont have the time or money due to other, more pressing medical issues.

    So, has anyone else had any success undoing this type of shift where you suddenly feel you need to adhere to a certain image? My wedding is four months away and I'm so tired of obsessing about food and feeling panicked because I can't do cardio (due to health issues) and missing obvious what I *should* be excited about and focusing on- the marriage!!!! Any tips for battling this are so welcome.

    1. TL -*

      Try searching around for non-media ideal brides – smaller photographers (or those interested in a diversity of looks) or websites with plus sized, ect… brides. Look at those and you’ll stop training your brain that media ideal = pretty.

    2. Student*

      I successfully rejected the diet-wedding thing, and it was by reminding myself a lot that I was attending the wedding as one of its two subjects, not a decorative object. It wasn’t about me *looking* pretty or skinny or anything else. It was about me *choosing* my husband and making promises to him.

      Women are given this pervasive message that part of our job is to please the eyes of anyone who might deign to look at us. That’s a standard worth rejecting. We are completely acceptable and valuable and lovable in the bodies we’re wearing right now. Dresses are fine and all, but even the most expensive one you’ll ever buy (this one) is not a thousandth part as valuable and beautiful as you yourself. Your fiance is not looking for someone to occupy a beautiful dress. That isn’t the point of the exercise.

      Wedding sites and magazines are terrible about reducing the bride to a decorative element, and the best practical advice I can give you is to find a website blocker that can limit your time on them to five minutes a day. At this point, you’ve got the important stuff planned and you don’t need to get step by step instructions for creating your own craft color-coordinated wedding-theme cocktails for the bridesmaid thank-you brunch. So do yourself a favor and stay away from the pictures of models and the terrible weight loss advice. It’s cheaper than therapy.

      2. Loopy*

        Thanks for your comment. I so thought I was in the rejecting-diet-wedding club too. I started exercising and eating healthy about 4 months ago to be healthier and more fit and I think that was just a whole lot of denial. I *though* I was in that camp and it’s been really hard to be honest with myself that I’m not.

        I definitely think I need to stay off wedding websites. It got really bad when work was slow and I’d have time to browse way more than I used to. My brain was in wedding mode for hours and hours and hours but not in a positive way. I wish I had realized the damage it was doing sooner. I really need to re-focus on what this is all about.

        1. Kat in VA*

          Your husband will think you look lovely in whatever dress you wear – bodycon, floaty, figure skimming, or super tight. he’s marrying YOU, not your figure or your dress or how you look.

          Well, maybe in a little bit as men generally tend to be visual, but he’s not expecting you to change into a bridal-magazine cover girl who are, by the way, PhotoShopped within an inch of their lives. He wants to marry YOU.

          As was said above, you’re not a decoration – you’re one of two focuses of the wedding. It’s natural to want to look as lovely as you can, but you don’t need to be miserable about your weight, your size, or your perceived figure flaws. People know what you look like. They’re not expecting a huge transformation on your wedding day!

          1. Observer*

            SOOOOO much the Photoshop thing. But even without that, posing, lighting and makeup make a HUGE difference. We tend to think that if a photo has been retouched it’s an accurate representation of reality, and that is so not true. Just as the wrong lighting or camera angle can make you look terrible, the right angles and lighting can make you look more “perfect”. Which is all good and fine if you’re asking your photographer to get the best pictures of you. But not so much when the photographer’s work over-rides everything else, it makes you look like someone you are not or it makes you think that “everyone else” looks so perfect – even though that’s not true!

            And 100% on the “not a decoration” thing.

      3. anong*

        genius comment. The most important thing about your wedding dress is that you *feel* beautiful and special. If it makes you feel bad or not good enough, then it’s not right for you.

    3. Erika22*

      I’m sure you’ve found A Practical Wedding – they were my go-to wedding resource when I was engaged. Incredibly body positive (and feminist focused on all aspects of the wedding). Look at all the real life weddings they have there – so many kinds of people getting married with all kinds of bodies. And look at all of their faces! They’re all so happy! I find when I look at photos like that, I just see how happy people are, not whatever body insecurities they may have – and that’s all others will see as well.

      Honestly, I was somewhere in between the “eat well and exercise to be healthy not skinny” and “if I lose a dress size I’ll enjoy my wedding more”. I’ve always been what I (now) consider chubby in a cute way, and I was terrified of shopping for a dress because I just thought of shopping for my prom dress where I had to get a larger size than expected and couldn’t find anything I liked and my mother just kept commenting on how she never had this problem in high school. So I had to make sure I was happy with how I looked in my dress whether I toned up or not, which I think was key. If you think “wow this dress will look great after I lose ten pounds” but you’re not happy with it now, you won’t be happy even if you do lose the weight. If you love your dress and it fits you well, whatever your size, you’ll be far more comfortable and happy than wearing a dress you challenged yourself to fit into or one you only got because it’s “right for your body shape” or whatever else the wedding industrial complex makes you think you have to do.

      1. Loopy*

        I really love that site. I also love that lately they post life-things too, not just all weddings all the time. They focus on feminism and healthy relationships and self love, and positivity and aren’t afraid to post about things not strictly related to The Wedding.

        The thing is when I got my dress, I loved it and it was my favorite style of dress- A-line. I wear A-line for all my dresses, in all seasons. I loooooved it and it was the right style for my body. Yet now I feel less in love with pictures of it and realized I’m focusing only on my torso (read: stomach area) and it just makes me so so sad to realize this has even changed the way I feel about a dress I adored 8-9 months ago!

    4. Washi*

      I think the suggestions above are all good, and I would also add to maybe schedule some time for you and your fiance to hang out where there is no wedding planning talk allowed. When my now-husband and I were able to do that it really helped us step back and get some perspective, plus we really needed to spend some time together that wasn’t us lobbing wedding questions at each other and getting super stressed.

      1. Loopy*

        Ah, fortunately he’s really not that into planning and this happens quite often :) It’s mostly when I have downtime/breaks at work that I find myself drifting to wedding planning mode.

      1. Overeducated*

        Seconded! This was the primary wedding-related website I read and I think it really helped me feel good about being me.

      2. Loopy*

        I think from now on I will strictly limit myself to this site and A Practical Wedding. I really hope I turn my thinking (and feelings) around over the next few months!

    6. Blue_eyes*

      I would recommend taking a big step back from the forums and other media that got you to this place. Continuing to look at forums and such that promote these values is going to keep you from being able to reject them.

      Try to actively consume media around brides (or just people) who are larger to help recalibrate your sense of what bodies can look like. I did this with Instagram and it was super helpful to me – I follow some plus-size yoga instructors, plus-size fashion bloggers, etc. Seeing women everyday on my feed with larger bodies being fit, fashionable, fun helped change my perceptions of myself over time.

      1. Loopy*

        This is great advice. I have a les mills fitness class instructor who is so strong and so fit and yet she’s quite a bit larger than most would expect for someone in that role (apologies if that phrasing isn’t ideal, I’m not sure how to put it). I think she’s super amazing and an inspiration and you’re right, seeing her in such a positive role is wonderful.

        1. Gaia*

          It isn’t offensive, don’t worry. It is accepting that there is a media stereotype that says “strong, fit women” are also “small and petite” but with muscle definition. While that can certainly be true, it turns out that strong, fit women come in a lot of sizes and shapes! And that is great!

    7. Rollergirl09*

      When I was engaged as soon as I purchased my gown David’s Bridal sold my info and I started getting emails for plastic surgery, weight loss, and other body related stuff.

      I had to step back and remind myself that I’m getting married to someone who already loved me the way I was and I didn’t need to change that to be a picture perfect bride. It really helped me push away those negative messages. I also bought a dress that made me feel like a million bucks.

      1. Loopy*

        I remember being horrified that when I walked into my first bridal show there were weight loss booths and plastic surgery booths, right as soon as you walked in. I was so angry about it. They also had legit models walking around in wedding dresses. It was *awful* all around. And yet somehow I still fell into the trap.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Yikes. Along the same lines, after I went shopping at a maternity wear store, I started getting info about buying life insurance for children. It was morbid.

    8. Cait*

      Remind yourself while you are looking that the wedding industry is built around trying to sell you (very marked up) things. Making you feel like something about yourself is lacking is EXACTLY what they want, because then they can sell you “$olution$”. Comparison is the thief of joy! You are valuable and can find happiness at any size or shape, no matter what those (photoshopped) wedding models (whose JOB is looking good) make you feel. Your favorite pictures will be ones where you look HAPPY and in the moment. Focus on what makes you feel joy and spend less time on those wedding sites. I hope you can refocus and have a fabulous day and wonderful marriage!

      1. Loopy*

        This is such a useful perspective. As thrilled as I am to be getting married, I have such a disgust for the wedding industry. Most of it is really superficial and stressful. And you’re right, I plan to tell my photographer to focus on getting candid shots. I really want to see myself in the moment with my loved ones. Poses don’t evoke anything emotional for me.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes obsessions are avoidance. Is there anything you are avoiding?

      Other than that, why not just decide to have damn fine tailoring. Pick a dress and pay a tailor to make sure it hangs nicely on you. Make the dress fit you, don’t make you fit the dress.

      1. Loopy*

        I don’t think so?

        I am hoping alterations are good. That’s a whole other ball of wax (Omg what if I gain weight after the dress is altered??? panic).

    10. StrikingFalcon*

      I gained a bunch of weight from some health things I was going through shortly before we started planning our wedding, and yeah, I had this problem too. The extra weight was already a symbol of some tough things in my life, and the wedding industry is *SO* image obsessed.

      I eventually just constrained myself to only Offbeat Bride and A Practical Wedding, where you find lots of people who look different. It helped some. I also bought my dress from David’s Bridal, which has a nice selection of plus size dresses. I mostly tried to consciously cut off all such thoughts as they popped up. I did not diet, and enjoyed my wedding.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m so so glad you were able to enjoy your wedding!

        Those two sites are really amazing and I wish I had limited myself to them off the bat. I’ve been on WeddingWire and people are so judgmental and opinionated over there (if you do a dry wedding or cash bar, oh my goodness, the rage and judgement). I should have stayed away.

          1. Observer*

            I’m going to disagree on “dry” weddings. The idea that you can’t have a nice event without alcohol is toxic. And I say that as someone who does NOT have any real problem with alcohol. I’m also someone who eats chicken and fish and is happy to serve others meat (I avoid meat because of health issues I have), but I simply can’t get on board with people who freak out over a vegetarian event – even >gasp< a wedding.

          2. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

            Dry weddings are fine. Not my choice, but an acceptable one.

            Cash bars are just a way to make your guests subsidize your reception. If you want alcohol you should cut back elsewhere in order to provide it.

            1. Epsilon Delta*

              To be honest, cash bar never bothered me much, and now having gone through the planning and budgeting process for my own wedding last year… I am more than happy to pay $5-15 to “subsidize” the reception. And if I’m not feeling that way about this particular couple, well, I’ll stick to water.

            2. Someone Else*

              The times I’ve seen cash bar it wasn’t so much subsizing the reception. It was more like the couple doesn’t drink and would’ve been fine with a dry wedding but had enough guests who kvetched that they decided “fine you want booze, here’s your option.”

    11. Cher Horowitz*

      Everyone before me has beautiful loving comments that I whole heartedly second. Just wanted to send you virtual hugs, if you’d like, and lots of good wishes for the planning, the wedding and married life!

      1. Loopy*

        Thank you. I’ve been in denial and haven’t really talked to anyone about this, so it’s really nice to have a community to turn to for support. I’ve just been letting myself be so miserable and self hating and I’m so tired of it!

    12. Parenthetically*

      Yes, get off the boards/websites/forums you’ve been frequenting (which are, ultimately, marketing tools sponsored by companies who DESIRE your dissatisfaction because people will pay lots of money to try to end dissatisfaction) and get thee to Offbeat Bride. I also find mantras helpful for obsessive thoughts — maybe stuff like, “Future Spouse isn’t marrying a Dress, but me!” and “My body is good and fine and I exist in it and am grateful for that, and I appreciate ______ about it.”

      Also, have you talked about this with Future Spouse? I think it’s really vital to let them in on this struggle. There are lots of free online courses for premarital stuff, which you might find helpful purely as something meaningful to focus your mind and energy on INSTEAD of the size of your body in relation to a particular item of clothing which will be worn for a few hours on a single day.

      1. Loopy*

        I wish I had abandoned those sites so long ago. I just wanted to be surrounded by wedding wedding wedding for a while and refused to see that’s…. actually not always a good thing.

        I haven’t talked to future spouse because I know I’ll get two words in and burst into heaving sobs. I know I should but I’m just not ready to. It’s been bottled up until just really these last few days and I’m trying to get myself to a place where I can do more than cry when I think about my own feelings towards my body, because they are so negative and cruel and I’m so devastated about that.

        I never thought I could be so cruel to myself. It’s an odd revelation but I… think that’s what I’ve been doing.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Oh gosh, cry!! Or go dancing or something! I totally know what you mean, and I think sometimes we just need to have a really cathartic physical experience to be ABLE to process our emotions.

        2. Gaia*

          I think you should talk to him, even through sobs. It will be a good reminder to you that he loves you, he wants to marry you, and he finds you insanely beautiful.

    13. Nines*

      I definitely also said I would *never* be the diet obsessed person and then quickly went down the rabbit hole. The thing that enabled me to pull back from that narrative was similar to many of the comments here. I actively searched our body positive and plus size models. I read somewhere something about how we are allowed to like the way we look, even if we aren’t skinny. Which sadly, hadn’t ever occurred to me before. It won’t help everyone, but for whatever reason it really hit home for me and helped a lot to change my expectations for what I wanted to look like for my wedding.
      And I also agree about focus on the things that will make you feel beautiful!! Love your dress. Get help with hair and makeup. And splurge (whatever that will mean for you) on a really good photographer. I just got married about a month ago and I’ve seen one of the pictures from the photographers and I almost cried because *I* think I look beautiful! And it’s mostly because they totally captured how happy I am. =)
      But don’t beat yourself up about being concerned about body image either. Weddings in general are really hard on people for this reason (among others). It will all work out in the end and will be so much fun. Mine was!

      1. Loopy*

        I both would never wish this on anyone, ever, and simultaneously feel comforted that I’m not alone. I want so badly to be this confident, take-no-shit, bad-ass bride/woman/person who doesn’t fears carbs (which is so silly, whhhhhhhhy am I doing this?). It’ll take some work though. And some definite adjustment on my media consumption. I so appreciate everyone’s comments. I needed this so badly.

    14. Melody Pond*

      Have you ever watched any videos by Adam Ruins Everything? They’re on youtube, and I think even on Netflix now. He’s got at least one Youtube video on weddings, and it might be a helpful wake-up call from the standpoint of… realizing that the culture of big weddings today is really a way to advertise your supposed wealth and high-class/privilege. Not that you shouldn’t celebrate in whatever way is meaningful to you, but perhaps it might help shatter some of the illusions that are being sold by all those models in white dresses?

      I’ll look for the link and reply if I can find it.

        1. Loopy*

          I hadn’t seen that- thanks! I’ve had great success keeping those other aspects of the wedding industry in check, well, mostly. No Pinterest rabbithole for me! It’s also why I’m SO floored that this part of it all got me. I have zero problem nixing traditional things I don’t care about- florist, what florist? Videographer, photobooth, top shelf ultra premium open bar? Nah.

          My table centerpieces are assembled from dollar store things. My shoes are 15 dollar flats. But still, that video hits home, so much upcharge when you have to include a vendor (and you can’t hide it’s a wedding).

          1. Melody Pond*

            I think for me, the reason why it clicked, is that the whole idea of the model-thin-body-in-the-white-dress is itself seems to be its own display of wealth and status. If you’re model thin and beautiful/glamorous, it suggests wealth – because you can afford to eat super healthy food, and/or a gym membership, and/or a personal trainer, not to mention all the leisure time you’d have to have available to spend working out and possibly preparing said super healthy expensive food. Conversely, people who are lower on the socioeconomic ladder and who struggle to meet their basic needs, are probably more likely to be overweight or obese (if I wanted to be really diligent here, I’d look to see if there are any reputable studies on this idea, and cite my sources – but I’m just going to be lazy and speculate).

            So, if it helps at all – I really think the image of the beautiful thin model in a fancy white dress is just another way of displaying wealth, like in the Adam Ruins Everything video. And I think this image as a display of wealth/privilege/high-class is so deeply ingrained that we automatically, even subconsciously, idealize it as “beautiful.” And again, it’s something that the wedding industry is marketing hardcore, to try to get you as a consumer to spend more money on various products and services related to losing weight, so that you can also show off that image of wealth and success.

            So, in my mind, it’s all just an illusion to try to sell this idea of wealth and upper class status – even the glamorous thin models in fancy white dresses. And seeing it that way helps me reject the silliness of it.

    15. Rainy*

      My wedding is in 63 days (thanks TheKnot for the running stressor–I mean countdown) and I struggled with disordered eating (calorie restriction/fasting) through most of my adolescence so I absolutely cannot engage in any kind of restricted eating because it takes me right back into that place and it takes a year or more every time I relapse to get my head right about food again. I’ve been through this before, and I don’t intend to do it again.

      What I did/do: I bought a dress that fits me, not an aspirational dress. I have maintained my usual routine as far as food/activity/etc. I try not to look at too much mainstream bridal imagery. Those people are not normal humans, they are models, and they eat 10 almonds a day. I consume empowering and realistic media and imagery as much as possible, and I ignore (and block, and unsubscribe, and delete) the shit that is trying to make me self-conscious and then sell me bullshit.

      This cultural BS only exists because if you make people feel bad about themselves and then offer them shit that doesn’t work (or actively makes them miserable), they will give these companies money, and then a significant fraction of those people will, when it doesn’t work, do it harder, and keep giving these companies money. Thassit. That’s the only reason this stuff exists: to separate you from your money. The rest is just the poopy icing on the bullshit cake.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m so glad you’ve been able to find those empowering images. I think I need to binge on that kind of positive media really hard right now. Ive never policed my media consumption before and now I’m realizing it’s really valuable. I definitely bought a dress that fits and not a must-lose-weight-dress too, which helped at first and less so later on.

        I get crazy when I count calories too and I’m finding it hard to get back out of this type of thinking at the moment. I just went to the grocery store determined to get myself the dinner I *wanted* and left defeated after staring at what I wanted to eat in various aisles, and meandering back and forth between the options trying to force myself to buy them. I ultimately left without any.

        1. Loopy*

          I just belatedly realized the phrasing “I get crazy when I could calories too” is really problematic and was thoughtless; it was more how I think of my own issues with calories in a very informal way and I want to apologize for applying that to your statement with the “too” and in general. Basically I did NOT mean at all to attach the term crazy to everyone who has issues around counting calories.

          1. Rainy*

            It’s okay. Disordered eating is a *disorder*.

            Your tailspin sounds sadly familiar, as well. Honestly, this is one of those things that you are going to have to work hard at, and it’s probably going to take some time, and that’s okay. For most other things I’d suggest professional help but this one is tricky because if you end up with a therapist who harbours biases about weight and size, they’re actually going to make it worse and then you have twice as much to undo. If you seek therapy, be EXTREMELY vigilant so you don’t end up with a fatphobic therapist.

    16. Smarty Boots*

      Have you already been fitted for your dress and had it altered? If you are at a weight you can maintain without going crazy til the wedding, get your fitting and alterations done now and then don’t worry about losing more weight because it will fit and look good.
      If you’re at a weight that you can’t really maintain by just eating sensibly — then talk to the person doing the alterations and let them know you are likely to put on weight.

    17. Aphrodite*

      Remind yourself that he fell in love with you as you are now / were then. He isn’t looking for thin, he wants YOU. Your pictures should reflect the YOU he fell in love with rather than some “bridal image.”

    18. Basia, also a Fed*

      I recently went to San Francisco for vacation. We stayed about a mile from Giants stadium, because we wanted to be able to walk to a baseball game. It was terrible – the smell was everywhere. Lots and lots of people were openly smoking on the street and in the stadium. Every restaurant smelled like it, even if we didn’t see someone actively smoking. My allergies and asthma has never been so bad in my entire life. My eyes were swollen partially shut the entire time and I blew my nose every few minutes. I have always been a supporter of legalization. I still am, but this experience took me by surprise and really lowered the quality of my trip. I think it should be legal, but not in public. Just like no open carry laws for alcohol.

    19. Observer*

      One really important thing – get off those boards! Whatever else you do, you want to make sure that the toxic imagery and messaging stops or it will keep reinforcing all the negative stuff you are dealing with.

      It’s incredible how freeing it can be to get away from a really toxic place that skews your perceptions. Especially since you already do know that this is toxic and essentially out of touch with reality.

    20. Ursula*

      Everyone else has great suggestions, but I wanted to add something that my mom always says. She is a professional costumer designer for theater, and has always been appalled at the idea that a person should change their body to fit clothes. The entire purpose of clothing design should be the exact opposite – to design clothing that will make their wearer look at feel good about the body that they have. The idea that we should ever change ourselves bodies to fit clothes rather than the other way around is toxic. People don’t fail clothes, clothes fail people. It’s cloth! It has no feelings! Prioritize people!

      Anyway, that’s always been something that stuck with me, and I thought it might help.

    21. Galahad*

      Weddings are about the couple, your commitment, and family and friends.

      So — Go ask your invite list to send you a copy of their wedding photo (bride/groom). You can make something nice out of it for the reception.

      AND, you will get many, many images of happy, healthy people that you love, looking great despite the fact that they were not a “perfect” bride.

  20. riverbflat*

    I got a new job earlier this year, went to a temporary living sitch a little later to shorten my commute….. and I’m still here. I’m in a small room and share it with some storage, my second air mattress is coming apart, and even this commute is taking a toll on me. So:

    Any tips on finding an apartment? I’ve been looking at listings. Called about one and never heard back before the listing was pulled. Called about another, and after three days of phone tag I found out I haven’t been earning enough for long enough to qualify, and my co-signer doesn’t live close enough. Still looking but getting disheatertened. Especially need tips on finding low rent housing, preferably with no credit check, though I have someone willing to co-sign if necessary. How do I make sure I’m not getting scammed? I’ve rented a room from a friend before, and split a 2 bedroom at a complex in college, but my requirements now have me looking mostly at, in my area, small, one-building deals run by a property management company. I’m out of my element here.

    I love my job which helps, and I’m grateful for the place I’m staying now, but I need a change!

    1. Boo Hoo*

      The only way you will find a place without a credit check is a roommate situation, and some will check your credit. That said if your credit is poor they’d likely just make you give a larger deposit. Sorry but thought I’d be honest about that one.

    2. thankful for AAM*

      My son finally had success on a website like roomates.com I think it was. It cost $8 a month and he was thinking it could be a waste but bc the landlord also has to pay, it screens out people who are not serious.

      He has a great room in Miami for a very good price and is very happy. He found it the first month so only paid $8 for the service.

    3. Washi*

      Are you using craigslist? I’ve had good luck with people renting out their own condos, where usually the paperwork goes through the management company, but the person is looking for a tenant on their own. Often they are more responsive since they are really motivated to find someone and when I’ve lived in a condo, it’s often been cuter and with fewer rent increases since the person is mainly trying to cover their mortgage, not keep up with the market (which is increasing at an insane rate in my area.)

    4. Just me*

      Every apartment I’ve found has been through driving through the neighborhood I want to live in. If there was a building that caught my eye, I called the number (I don’t rely on company websites, some aren’t great at keeping it updated).

    5. Alex*

      I’ve found every place I’ve ever lived (as an adult) through craigslist.

      Rules to avoid scams: if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. If it has been posted 100000 times, it might be a scam. I’ve had better luck with landlord-posted listings than with agents, because agents, IME, lie in the listings to get people in, and then when you are disappointed that 1/2 of what was said in the listing wasn’t true, they try to take you to see other apartments that are out of your price range or desired area. At least, that has been my experience. Also, they tend to rent more on “gut feeling about you” than official stuff like credit checks, background checks, etc. I actually don’t think I’ve ever had a credit check run on me to get an apartment.

      I’ve just searched my price range on craigslist, looked on “map” view, and pretty much contacted every place that looked like it could work for me. Make sure you follow the contact instructions in the listing (some want emails, some want calls, etc.) There will be a lot of no-call-backs–it’s kind of like job searching! But hopefully someone will respond.

    6. Lady Jay*

      I found my latest (which is working out really well) on something like apartment ratings . com. I had to rent from a distance, without seeing the place (cross country move), and so it was important to me to get a highly rated one. I then filtered by what I could afford to pay.

      That said, 1) I live alone whenever remotely possible, because I don’t like having roommates, and 2) I was okay with a credit check, so YMMV.

  21. Gone to pot*

    Folks who live in US states where marijuana has become legal: Have you noticed a big increase in the number of people publicly smoking pot since legalization?

    Word has it that marijuana will soon be legal in New Jersey, and if NJ legalizes, NY may not be far behind. I live in NYC and have respiratory problems. Pot smoke is a huge trigger for me, and with marijuana now decriminalized (but still technically illegal) in NYC, I’m beginning to smell it basically everywhere I walk. The smell makes my eyes and lungs burn, it gives me a headache, and not to mention, it stinks!

    I’ve been pretty anxious about marijuana becoming legal because I fear everyone around me is going to start smoking pot and I’ll never be able to breathe. This is irrational, right?

    1. WellRed*

      I definitely smell it more frequently, which I don’t like. But, I haven’t seen a huge difference otherwise. Caveat: I don’t get downtown to the bar scene all that much or anything like that.

    2. Boo Hoo*

      Not really…but, I was at a Rockies game in Colorado way back and a guy was smoking right in the stands, which surprised me. Never have really seen anyone other than at concerts but that was also before it was legal.

    3. Seattleite*

      Sadly, no, it is not irrational. I am affected the same way you are. Pot was legalized here a while back. I work downtown and live in an adjacent urban neighborhood. It smells like pot all the time. In the parks, on the sidewalks, all times of day or night. I love the pedestrian lifestyle and it’s a big part of why I chose my current home. But the day i realized I am now actively avoiding walking places, and must drive for the sake of my health, was a sad day indeed.

    4. Mike C.*

      From WA here and not at all.

      It helps that smoking in public places has been banned for a while now, so I wouldn’t worry.

      1. SignalLost*

        Not true. I’m also in WA, and I’m allergic to pot. There are places I basically have to hold my breath to go through – I’m not sure if there’s a manufacturing facility there or what, but a couple of major intersections just reek. I don’t go out to clubs or bars, so haven’t noticed it there, but I’m kind of pissed that something so aromatic isn’t better controlled.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        What’s your opinion on that? On the one hand, people don’t like pot smoke in public. On the other, people are saying that it’s yet another way to harass the homeless.

      3. Windchime*

        It really depends on where you are. I live 30 miles north of Seattle. There are pot shops all over but I never smell it or see anyone smoking it. Downtown is a different story; I work in the middle of downtown (near the library) and I smell or see it every time I step outside to walk to Starbucks or grab lunch. It doesn’t bother me all that much but it’s definitely something you will see and/or smell if you are in downtown Seattle.

    5. Not a Mere Device*

      It didn’t seem to make much difference in the Seattle area, when I lived there. Which is to say that the people who had been hanging out downtown smoking skunkweed before legalization didn’t stop, and most other people seem to have bought our marijuana or edibles in the shops and taken them home to use. Where “home” might be a back yard or balcony, but not most streets or parks.

    6. LGC*

      So like – incriminating myself because I have inhaled (many times) and this is an area of interest for me, but as I understand it, in a lot of areas consumption is limited to certain areas (I believe that’s what Colorado does). I’ll have to look up what NJ is planning, but I think it’ll be similar because it’s New Jersey and we are VERY Democratic establishment.

      One advantage to marijuana is that you don’t have to smoke it. So you might see an uptick of people using edibles instead of smoking (because…you know, smoking). This might be a problem if you live near the Times Building, but otherwise you should be good.

      1. Rainy*

        I’m not sure what you mean by “limited to certain areas”. Like, smoking in parks/just randomly on the sidewalk etc is illegal, just like with booze.

        1. LGC*

          That’s basically kind of what I meant – if I remember correctly (and people who actually live in CO can correct me because I’m probably wrong on this), you’re only legally allowed to smoke in set-aside areas, right? (Although Boo Hoo noted that a dude sparked up at a Rockies game, so THAT’S not stopping people…)

          1. rubyrose*

            Colorado here – public consumption is illegal. Every year, on April 20, there is a major marijuana rally in downtown Denver and there is not supposed to be any smoking there. A Rockies game would definitely be out. Because of a change in the law, we are now just starting to see cannabis lounges, where you bring your own. When hotels say no smoking, they typically mean both tobacco and marijuana, and make a point of telling you that when you check in or make the reservation.

            I’ve not noticed a major increase in public consumption.

          2. Rainy*

            I live in Colorado, and no, you aren’t legally allowed to smoke in public at all. There are not “set-aside” areas. Do rude people spark up in public? Sure. But rude people do a lot of illegal stuff in public because that’s what makes them rude people. I have honestly had more trouble with people vaping tobacco in public spaces than with people smoking marijuana via whatever modality (joint, blunt, pipe, one-hitter, bong, what-have-you).

          3. CheeryO*

            I’m not sure how well those laws are enforced. I visited Denver a few weeks ago, and the smell of pot was… pervasive, especially around the train station where people were loitering about.

            1. TL -*

              Yeah, I think a lot of how much you notice is going to depend on how sensitive you are and/or if you smoke. I’m way more sensitive to smoke (pot or cigarettes) than a lot of people and I’ve definitely smelled it when others haven’t.

    7. Bluebell*

      Sadly, I can confirm that walking around downtown Boston is definitely worse now. I have asthma and notice it a lot more. I’m much more likely to need to keep walking in subway stations and change seats.

    8. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      I’m in WA, and smoking marijuana in any form in public is illegal. I’ve seen police officers arresting people for smoking marijuana at a bus stop. But for the most part, people do not smoke in public. However, that doesn’t stop everyone, and I have walked past people on the sidewalk who are definitely smoking marijuana. It’s a very distinctive smell.

      What I don’t like is when the people in the apartment next to mine light up because I can smell it in my apartment. It is so annoying. I’m not against people smoking pot, I just don’t want to smell it in my apartment. I usually just open my window to clear out the smell.

      Overall I don’t think it’s anything worth getting too stressed out about, since for the most part people obey the law and don’t smoke in public. I think there’s not too much for you to worry about if your state legalizes recreational marijuana.

    9. Chylleh*

      My state legalized it and I smell it more often. It could be much worse, but the smell makes me almost sick to my stomach so I have to avoid some areas if they’re smoking (such as the local park).

    10. Ann O.*

      I’m in the CA Bay Area, and I find it’s neighborhood dependent. Outside of the city, I very rarely smell anything unless I’m in an entertainment district. In the city, it’s more common to randomly run into clouds of smoke (but that’s always been the case for as long as I’ve been here).

    11. Nita*

      I’ve been smelling it everywhere for a long time. Since before it became less-illegal. Yuck, I don’t know how it’s possible to smoke that – to me it smells like a combo of stale sausage, old socks, and something chemical burning – so not looking forward to an increase in public smoking. If, that is, there will be any increase.

      1. Ursula*

        I’m from a rural area, and my brain immediately thinks “Someone ran over a skunk!” anytime I smell someone smoking marijuana and I have to remind myself there probably aren’t skunks to run over in the downtown of a major city. I kinda wonder if it’s ever going to switch over to “someone is smoking pot” as the default explanation. I’ve never smoked myself because ugh, that smell.

        But yeah, it’s legal where I’m at and I haven’t really noticed a difference in frequency between before legalization and now.

    12. Slartibartfast*

      It’s only medical here, but recreational is on the ballot Tuesday. I already smell it more often with it being medical. I am anxious about it too. I’m not anti marijuana, I just don’t want to smell it in public.

    13. Gatomon*

      I actually haven’t noticed a problem. My city is very strict with no smoking indoors and rules about how close you can be to a building/entryway and smoke. I’m very very sensitize to pot and cigarette smoke since my parents smoked both around me growing up. It’s only legal here for medical purposes, but when they first changed the law it was kind of a free-for-all — they had video doctors giving people medical marijuana cards for any old reason.

      Only places where I’ve been exposed have been outdoor concerts (not much way around it but moving away from the smoker) and on the university campus. Neither my workplace or apartment is anywhere that interests people who smoke, apparently.

    14. Rainy*

      Not really. I smell it more frequently around my complex, because people smoke on their balconies, but I’d rather smell pot than tobacco, because tobacco smoke irritates me–and I can’t be around people vaping at all. The vape fumes are an asthma trigger.

      I smell it way less on the street here where it’s legal than when I lived in British Columbia where it wasn’t, when you literally couldn’t walk down a sidewalk without encountering someone smoking a joint.

      The other thing to remember is that once it’s legal, a lot more people start using edibles. :)

    15. Anon Anon Anon*

      I really wish people would stop going to extremes about the marijuana issue and acknowledge that there is good and bad about the stuff just like with anything else. It seems like if you point out the negative, you’re accused of being 100% against it, and vice versa. In reality, it’s just a plant that people consume in various ways, and it has various affects, some good, some bad, and some in between.

      1. Rainy*

        One of my least favourite manifestations of this is the people who scaremonger about pot edibles. Thing actually said to me on Twitter by a (presumably) real live adult human: “I am allergic to marijuana and if my state legalizes I might buy it on accident at the store!”

        I think it exceedingly likely that you will walk into a clearly marked dispensary that only sells pot, hand your ID to the security guard, wait in a waiting room reeking of pot where the menus have only pot on them, go to a back room, be helped by a budtender who does not speak in any but the most explicit of terms about the marijuana products the shop stocks, buy something covered in pot leaf emblems and warnings that it contains marijuana, and then consume it by accident.

        That seems like a thing that would happen, yes.

    16. anonagain*

      “I’ve been pretty anxious about marijuana becoming legal because I fear everyone around me is going to start smoking pot and I’ll never be able to breathe. This is irrational, right?”

      It’s not going to be as bad as your anxiety is telling you. It sounds like it’s already a challenge though. Can you talk to your doctor about how to handle the symptoms you are experiencing?

    17. OyHiOh*

      No I haven’t noticed. But my state (one of the first couple to legalize) wrote in a provision against public use that’s well enforced.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t know yet. Missouri actually has it on the ballot this year. If it’s legalized (and if people vote for the right amendment and not the stupid one), then I guess I’ll find out.

      I don’t like weed. It does nothing for me, I don’t like the way it smells, and I don’t like being around people when they’re high because you can’t even have a conversation with them. I don’t want it in my house, legal or not, and I don’t want to date someone who smokes anything–I’m a tobacco addict and I can never ever smoke again or even be around it because if I smoke even one cigarette, I’ll be back on it.

      But I’m okay with people using it as long as it’s treated like alcohol and tobacco. Non-smoking areas should also be weed-free, because no kind of smoke is good for your lungs. People should not drive under the influence of weed. We should be able to grow industrial hemp. People who need CBD for epilepsy or smoke it if they’re on chemo (or whatever) should be able to use it.

      And above all, we should be able to conduct extensive research on it, because NOTHING is a cure-all. Marijuana is not magic.

    19. rogue axolotl*

      Up here in Canada marijuana has just been federally legalized as of about a week and a half ago. I think it’s pretty regional–I haven’t noticed any difference but I live on the west coast so there’s been a weed haze hovering around for decades. I have been loving the government-sponsored informational pamphlets explaining what weed is, though.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Yes, I would agree with you. My neighbourhood has embraced legalisation whole-heartedly, but the neighbourhood where I work doesn’t seem to have jumped on the bandwagon.

    20. Anonomo*

      I was in Oregon when they legalized and honestly I didnt notice it more then a handful of times from neighbors (apartment life ya know). One thing I did notice was quality- the expensive stuff didnt have a gag me odor like the cheaper stuff. Ive been in Colorado awhile now, a few blocks from a university (Im literally one of 3 families in my complex, everyone else is in school) and havent smelled it once. For the most part, pot smokers know its odorous and arnt going to be jerks about smoking it. A few will, but with the reputation it has most will be respectful.

  22. thankful for AAM*

    Also sending condolences about Sam. And a cat story (maybe I should do NaNoWriMo and start with this, lol)
    Grandma lived with us growing up and she had 15 cats who lived in a “cat house,” as my dad liked to joke. It was a small, cottagy, room/shed with heat and electricity and two enclosed side runs.

    Every morning grandma opened the doors fed the cats then then all walked down to the pond at the back of the 1 acre yard and had a swim.

    Yup, the cats would paddle in the water around grandma, sun themselves for a bit. Then they went off to their day jobs as cats. This was the 70s, cats mostly stayed outside all day.

    At dusk, the cats came back, sometimes with an extra cat. Grandma fed them, they’d all troop inside, and be shut in for the night. The extra cats sometimes took weeks to choose to come in but they mostly did.

    Grandma was pretty cool.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Haha that’s awesome! As a crazy cat lady, I totally appreciate that story. I wish my cats would do stuff like that, but they’re lazy house cats. Only one goes out and what I get from him is a trail of death at my door every once in awhile. Mice, for the most part.

  23. KR*

    What a handsome guy. Alison, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. He seemed like such a great cat from your pictures and stories.

  24. The Babiest Babyface*

    I’m so sorry about Sam!

    Were any of you generally incompatible with peers when you were young? Mostly I’ve found that I do much better around adults, and I’m very lucky that in the culture of my school I’m able to do that because of our frequent community events, but as I get older I become more anxious for the day that my peers and I are the adults. I’m not sure if I’ll be more compatible with people my own age once we’ve all grown up, or if by that point I’ll still have a hard time interacting with everyone.

    Maybe I’m just a snob?

    1. FD*

      Oh my god, yes!

      Between reading waaaay above age level, being generally introspective, and a few family things that made me take responsibility early, I always had trouble relating to a lot of my peers.

      I’m sure YMMV but I’m finding 30ish to be awesome for that–other people my age have mostly caught up by now.

    2. Blue_eyes*

      When I was a kid I was very good at interacting with adults, but not always great at interacting with other kids. I was a very quick thinker and an avid reader and as an only child, I spent a lot of time talking to adults. So as a child, I had a high vocabulary and fairly adult style of speaking. It all evened out as my peers grew up and it probably will for you too. And, once you’re an adult, you don’t have to just be friends with people your age. You can be friends with people who are quite a bit older than you without it being a big deal.

    3. OperaArt*

      Oh, absolutely! I ws far more comfortable with the adults when I was a kid. As an introverted, avid reader, the “grown ups” were much more interesting to me.
      Now that I’m 60, I’m friends with adults of all ages. From 20 to 90, they’re all interesting.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep!
        It levels out with time.
        I have one friend who is the type of guy I would have avoided in high school. When I told him this he said, “That’s okay. You’re the type of woman I would have avoided also.” Neither one of us was offended by this, we just laughed.
        Time made me less uptight and time made him less “free-spirited”, I guess? But also over time we both had gathered more and more interests. Shared interests really helps friendships along.

        Like you I wondered if I was a snob. Self-checks are always good. Beating ones self up is not good. Keep it at a self-check level. This means you check randomly but not long periods at a time. And you also check other parts of your life and your approach to life in an equivalent manner.

    4. NeonFireworks*

      This was me as well. I loved reading, loved math, loved GOING TO SCHOOL. This meant I got along extremely well with the teachers and extremely not well with my classmates (even the ones who didn’t automatically decide I was uncool were still baffled). Most of them ignored me, some of then gossiped about me, and a small number unleashed a moderately vicious campaign to make me feel terrible about myself because they saw me as a sickening suck-up. Getting bullied a lot definitely upset me, but the teachers were helpful and my family strongly encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing. When I got to college I found friends EVERYWHERE. I never got over my deep love of learning, so I ended up becoming a college professor, and I’m so happy in my work that sometimes I want to cry. I was fortunate to have a lot of people around to tell me that I was on the right track for me.

    5. matcha123*

      I wasn’t too compatible with many of peers. I had a lot of responsibilities and I found that adults did enjoy my company. But, I actually did not want to be in the company of adults. I heavily preferred the company of my peers…I just wished they would have tried harder to not be…kids…

    6. Nita*

      Yes. And it does get better. I noticed a real difference in college, and even more in the workplace. Maybe I’ve been 30ish for most of my life, and my passport age and my mental age have finally met :)

    7. Rainy*

      I had a lot of trouble relating to people in my grade when I was in primary and secondary. I’ve mentioned this from time to time but I was raised in a cult, and I wasn’t well socialized as a child–my parents took the in the world but not of it thing pretty seriously, so it was hard for me to relate to my peers, and my mother is a narcissist and my dad is essentially checked out of anything that might make him notice what a jerk she is, so I didn’t have a lot of healthy interactions modelled for me as a child. Moving from private school to public school was really hard for me because there was so much less supervision and so much more bullying, and I didn’t really understand how to interact with other children and then teenagers. I worked hard as an adult to figure out what social norms were and how to enact them. It was definitely work, and it took a lot of research, observation, and thoughtful application (and trial and error!) but I think I’m reasonably socially ept now. I hope! :)

      The nice thing about adulthood is that your friendships aren’t constrained by the age strata of school. My close friends range from 9 years younger than me to 10 years older. My wider friends and acquaintances vary even more.

    8. river*

      I was the same when I was younger. You know how some people say your teenage years are the best? Nope! Being an adult is great and just keeps getting better. Even if life throws things at you, you keep get more and more comfortable in your own skin, more confident and sure of yourself, and have a broader view of the world. Being in my 30’s is the best! I love it. You can have friends of all ages and types of people. Variety is wonderful and makes life interesting. I’m 36 now, my best friends are 28, 49, and 63. You can find kindred spirits in all sorts of places.

  25. Washi*

    I’m really struggling with connecting with friends due to my anxiety and depression. I feel lonely and want to talk and want people to reach out to me, but then when I do try to talk about things, I just feel like I’m not explaining it right, they don’t get it, they just feel sorry for me, they’re never going to want to talk to me again….and I often just feel worse afterward and want to isolate myself even more. I feel so needy, and yet I have this urge to push people away.

    Therapy is helping a bit, but I’m just wondering if anyone else out there has experienced this.

    1. Almost Academic*

      Out of curiosity, what kind of therapy are you doing? Those types of thoughts seem really common to go along with Anxiety and Depression – so I definitely think you’re not alone. Human relationships are hard, even when you’re mentally healthy! In terms of the thoughts you’re reporting, they seem like really good targets for some evidence for / against skill use. If you’re not doing CBT, I would highly recommend pickup up a workbook or something at least – it really deals with some of those types of thought errors that are common when you’re struggling with those issues.

      1. Washi*

        I am doing CBT and I know everyone loves it so much but…I kind of hate it. My therapist is constantly jumping in to correct my word choice and she’s good about explaining why, but I find myself spending a lot of effort on rewording things just so I can get through a story/thought uninterrupted and I feel more and more anxious about speaking at all.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Have you looked at acceptance and commitment therapy instead?

          I’ve been through several workshops, therapy sessions, etc where I was supposed to be learning cbt but it never really clicked for me. Last week I read about act, and it takes a different view of trying to control or change thoughts, which was always a sticking point for me. So far it seems to be another take on mindfulness but it might be worth exploring for you.

        2. Jessen*

          I honestly hated it too. A lot of it ended up feeling to me more like telling me my feelings were bad/wrong, or just generally missing the point. The whole thing felt like being in middle school and asking “can I go to the bathroom?” and getting the reply “I don’t know, *can* you?” That and it was never clear to me what the difference between a cognitive distortion and a justified extreme reaction was, and I could never get an answer to that.

          1. Washi*

            That’s the perfect analogy!!!!! (The can I got to the bathroom/I don’t know can you? thing) I’m so glad I posted just for that little nugget of wisdom because that’s exactly what it feels like.

            “This week I was feeling so guilty about –”
            “Was it guilt or regret? Because guilty is when you have done something wrong”
            “Um…regret? Anyway, this week I was feeling really regretful about whether I should have –”
            “Remember that there are no shoulds, just preferences.”
            “Ok this weekend I was feeling really regretful about whether I would prefer to tell my grandparents no again after they asked–”
            “Why did you have to tell them no again? Why couldn’t you say ‘I think I have already answered that question?'”
            WILL YOU LET ME FINISH A SENTENCE PLEASE

            1. Kerr*

              That therapist sounds like a bad fit (and a bad therapist). That stresses me out just reading about it!
              I haven’t formally done CBT exactly, but the therapist I went to who specialized in it definitely let me spew thoughts before even suggesting things. Others got weirdly question-y and almost combative (?!) if I didn’t respond the way they expected.

              1. NeonFireworks*

                I did CBT for OCD and agree that this just sounds exhausting and not much like CBT. This sounds like a bad sitcom parody of a therapist. CBT is about giving you a tool box!

                1. Dr. Anonymous*

                  Seconding that what you describe is kind of cookbook CBT done disrespectfully. I bet acceptance and commitment therapy, or dialectical behavioral therapy, or whistle-a-happy-tune therapy would work a lot better with a therapist who is a little more thoughtful.

                  It ain’t you.

              2. Washi*

                These responses are so reassuring. Feeling like I’m failing at therapy has been…not helpful for my anxiety, to say the least! My husband is helping me find a new therapist now, fingers crossed for a better fit next time!

            2. Jessen*

              Yeah, the big one that set me off – I’d described myself as having no choice but to do something that meant putting up with a bad situation. The therapist stopped me and said, I did have choices – which I said, yes, technically, but pointed out what the other choices were – things like ‘be homeless’. The therapist was smiling and nodding and treating it like this big huge revelation that I really did have a choice and I wasn’t forced into doing anything. The whole thing just felt super dismissive to me, like it was just playing word games to avoid dealing with anything.

              1. Washi*

                One of my friends actually had a similar complaint – she told her therapist about how angry and frustrated she was dealing with blatant sexism at her workplace and the therapist told her she could just choose not to be angry. She did not go back for more counseling.

            3. Kat in VA*

              That sounds less like she’s working with you and more like she’s requiring you relate a situation but only to her exacting standards.

              Exhausting!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      What is it you are explaining to them? And for how long?
      Not snark, I promise.
      Let’s take a benign example. My friend loooves to talk about football/car engines/building construction. I know nothing about it. I can’t relate at all. So he goes on and on about these things. I am left with “hmm” or “ohhh” to say here and there. It’s not that I don’t care about my friend, it’s that I am a duck out of water on these topics. If all he talked about were these things we really would not have much of a friendship because I can’t add anything of any interest or intelligence to the conversation.
      Life is a mixed bag of a whole bunch of things, it’s nice to have a broad range of things to talk about. Not that we have to be an expert on anything, but it’s nice to have a passing interest in numerous things. With my friend I stand a small chance of understanding car engines and building construction so sometimes I ask questions just to broaden my pool of knowledge. (With football, eh, the cars and buildings keep me busy enough.)

      I also know from my past life that who we confide in is critical. Some folks just are not set-up to follow along very well in dealing with life’s harder problems. This happens for lots of reasons, not just inexperience. Going back to my kind-of-stupid example, no one ever calls me up for car advice. Ever. It’s important to look at the people we are talking with and try to figure out if they have a basis to work off of.

      1. Washi*

        I’m usually trying to answer the “how are you question” and, not very long, usually I get about 3 sentences in and panic and spend the rest of the time inquiring about the other person because I’m too scared to talk about myself and then feel sad and lonely after.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Why not just develop several stock answers?

          “Having a good day today!”
          “Eh, hanging in there.”
          “So-so. How are you doing?”

          I found the question “what’s up?” worse than “how are you?” . I settled on telling the person something I did today or within the last few days that I felt good about. This could be getting the kitchen cleaned up or meeting a deadline at work or anything.
          Focus on superficial things for your answer. Good friends will ask a deeper question and you can answer the specific question. It real easy to read the “how are you” as an actual question, but just saying “okay” is totally acceptable. I noticed this when my husband passed. Some people let it go after “okay” but there were a few really good-hearted folks who asked a second question. I made sure I answered their specific question in order to contain the scope of the conversation.

        2. Jane of All Trades*

          Might be too late on this open thread, but do you actually know whether people perceive you negatively? Or maybe it is one of the things your mind does to play tricks on you? I say this because I think sometimes I am in your same boat, thoughtwise, and think that I don’t have things to offer, and that people don’t appreciate my company. But in fact they do, and I usually underestimate my importance to my friends, and overestimate my being an annoyance or a burden. Maybe can you reframe your expectations for interactions? There is nothing wrong with having to explain the point of your story, or maybe having some interests that overlap, and others that don’t? The people you hang out with clearly enjoy your company and enjoy you for who you are. Hopefully this can take away some of the pressure you are feeling when it comes to interactions. Wishing you well and hope you feel better soon.

    3. gecko*

      Ugh, yes. I go through periods of feeling really isolated like that. I can’t deny that the biggest thing that helps is, feeling less depressed and anxious; it’s a chicken and an egg problem cause feeling less isolated can help with the depression and the anxiety.

      What do you think is your favored outcome to the conversation? Specifically–not just “I feel less isolated”–but is it that your friend does some kind of caretaking toward you, like gives you a hug or takes you out to ice cream? Or is it that they reflect their own experiences and show they understand what you’re going through? Or that they just reassure you that you’re still friends? Or that they keep asking you if you’re ok? I think many of these things are OK to ask for, especially with very close friends. For some of the others, finding a support group or a mental health meetup might help (your therapist might have recommendations).

      But it’s true that asking for these things is going to be really tough if you already feel like you’re stepping on people’s boundaries by just telling them what’s going on with you! I suspect that you’re picking up on something real–it IS awkward to talk about this stuff, you HAVE been holding back so much that it’s coming out as a bit of a flood–and you’re distorting that to be a bigger deal than it is.

      Forgive me if you’re already doing some of this, but I wonder if you’ve been holding off–holding off–holding off–and then BOOM it’s time to talk. If so, maybe practice saying small things, but don’t leave it there (like I’d be tempted to) but escalate up to the larger conversation.

      “How are you?” “Having a rough time unfortunately. You?” If they ask about it, try and talk about what’s going on, and see if you can ask for what you want: “It’s been depression–feeling really low for a long time now. It feels weird to talk about, but I’d love to tell you what’s been going on and get a hug.”

      If you find you can’t talk about it, or if you think your friend is steering you away from the conversation, that’s ok. You can directly say, “I don’t think I can talk about it right now, but I’d really appreciate being asked how I am later on,” or “It’s really nice to hang out with you and be a bit distracted! Excited for the movie?”

      I wouldn’t recommend this pushing except I suspect you are calibrated way too much toward not talking about yourself, and I think you won’t have many problems with crossing people’s boundaries since being hyperaware of it is your current state. I hope some of this rings true for you, and good luck!

      1. Washi*

        This rings SO true, thank you for the very, very thoughtful response. And I think you’re right that identifying what I’m looking for out of the conversation would be really helpful – sometimes I DO want a hug or want the friend to tell me they love me or whatever and I think just asking for that specific thing (with my very close friends who I know really want to support me) will help me not feel like I did it wrong or feel worse after it’s over. And yeah, I’m trying not to let things build up so much anyway; it’s definitely a lot easier to share when I’m not suddenly deciding it’s time to be honest and trying to share months of suffering that I’ve kept hidden away.

        I’ve often been the kind of mom friend who takes care of others and pretends to be fine, and just answering honestly (again with close friends) has by itself been a really huge step in letting go of that, but I still get pretty panicky sometimes since it’s such a different way of interacting. I’ve never let myself admit I needed others or express those needs, so it’s surprisingly scary.

  26. Just me*

    Every apartment I’ve found has been through driving through the neighborhood I want to live in. If there was a building that caught my eye, I called the number (I don’t rely on company websites, some aren’t great at keeping it updated).

  27. KR*

    I’m so frustrated. My five year old heeler sheppard mix is having so many accidents upstairs on the carpet. She doesn’t have them downstairs on the linoleum… Nope upstairs on the landing. The whole upstairs smells and the cleaner I use to get the pee smell out bleached a huge spot in the carpet. I went upstairs to bed around 11 last night, they had a walk and got let out multiple times before that, and I got up twice between then and now (6am) to let them out because my older boy kept barking (got to work on reminding him that we get up when Mom gets up and not just because you want breakfast early) and I discovered another spot!! And of course husband is away at school for work and I can’t haul the rug doctor upstairs by myself (nor am I interested in shoving it in my car). I am resorting to crating her but if anyone has any ideas I’d welcome it. When I let her out in the yard half the time she just sits there and looks at me through the slider and doesn’t actually go even though the older boy is. She’s mostly supposed to be my husbands dog and I’m frustrated as always that I have to be the one to deal with this. I feel like even when he’s here I’m always the one noticing she had an accident and the one to treat the carpet and clean it up. And now I’m the one googling remedies to get her to remember her potty training and I bet he’s sleeping peacefully. -_-

    1. Red Reader*

      Is this a new development, like she was fine for a couple years and just lost it recently? If so, I’d take her to a vet to make sure there’s no health issues.

      1. KR*

        We just got her this summer from a rehoming situation. Apparently she never had accidents before this. I’ll have to see about getting her in for a check up, maybe once husband is home.

        1. Natalie*

          It’s not that unusual for dogs to have housetraining issues when there’s been a change. Frankly, they also may not have been telling the truth (deliberately or not). A vet check wouldn’t be a bad idea though.

          If you haven’t used an enzymatic cleaner (Nature’s Miracle or similar) make sure you get one of those. A black light can help you find any spots you missed. And then I’d approach it as though she isn’t fully housetrained yet – crate her when you’re not around, redirect if she starts going inside, praise and reward her for going outside, etc.

          1. KR*

            Thank you both of you! We’re buying a crate this weekend and I’ll start praising her when she goes outside. I’ve been trying to catch her going inside but she’s sneaky. First we thought it was because the litterbox was up here but I’m also wondering if the carpet is tripping her up. It’s not common for houses here to have tile or linoleum through the entire house and she might not have a lot of experience with carpet.

            2. Red Reader*

              In the meantime, can you use baby gates or some such to keep her in the linoleum part of the house? Maybe it really is the carpet that’s throwing her off – “hey, this is like indoor grass!”

              1. KR*

                That’s what we’re thinking. She can’t get upstairs when I’m not home due to a baby gate, but it looks like she might have to sleep downstairs or in the upstairs bathroom if she keeps doing this. Thank you for your support. I apologized to her for scolding her and I think she’s sorry too.

            3. Natalie*

              You have two dogs, right? I wonder if there’s some kind of weird territoriality thing happening as well. Even though he is completely housetrained, my dog will try and pee anywhere that it seems like another dog might have marked no matter how long ago that was. (As in, in a cabin where any other dog would have visited weeks and weeks prior.)

              It absolutely could be the carpet as well – dogs make inferences that make sense to them, not necessarily the inference a human would make. We were at a (different) cabin once where we were hanging primarily in one room because of the heat. One day we were playing chase with the dog so we opened up all the rooms. He apparently decided that since the other bedroom was freezing cold it must also be outside, so he defecated. Literally the only time he’s ever done that inside.

              1. KR*

                That’s hilarious! I could see her doing that. She’s kind of silly sometimes as she’s the youngest one in the house.

        2. Turtlewings*

          If you’ve had her since the summer and it’s just starting now, I’d bet every dollar in my wallet she’s got a UTI. My own dog struggles with getting those CONSTANTLY and boy howdy do I sympathize with your frustration — I’ve had to just accept that my bedroom always smells like dog pee — but when they’re sick like that they physically can’t help it. Best of luck with her!

          1. Rainy*

            Yeah, this was my first thought when I heard it just started–UTI or some other health problem. The first step is definitely to get her to the vet.

          2. nonegiven*

            Cats pee on carpet and other soft surfaces when they have a UTI. It’s like they’re hoping it won’t hurt as much.

    2. dear liza dear liza*

      Rehoming a dog is stressful for everyone, especially the dog. Please don’t blame her for her accidents; try to reframe it as miscommunication between canine and human. Also, remember that dogs live in the moment. If she seemed “sorry” when you scolded her, it was because she sensed you were displeased and that made her anxious.

      Please take her to the vet to rule out a UTI or bladder infection. If the vet says there’s no medical reason, then go back to housetraining 101, like you would with a puppy. Get a crate, and put her in the crate when you can’t watch her. Free roaming of the house is earned, not a right. Have a strict schedule so you are routinely taking her out, especially after naps and feedings. Make sure she’s getting plenty of outdoor exercise, which will encourage her to eliminate outside.

      When you take her out- go with her. Do not simply put her outside and stay inside yourself. (That’s what I think is happening based on your description of seeing her through the slider.) When she potties, immediately praise her A LOT and give her tasty treats.
      If she has an accident inside, clean it up with an enzyme killer like Nature’s Miracle. Again, don’t scold the dog- figure out what the humans can do to keep this from happening.
      Housetraining a dog of any age takes time and patience, so talking with your husband about his role and responsibility in this is essential. If everyone thinks someone else is taking care of the dog, no one is.

      Thank you for taking in an older dog. All the time and energy you invest up front will pay off!

      PS searching in google for “rescue dog” will provide relevant resources.

      1. Red Reader*

        On treating her like a puppy — yes! I adopted my younger dog at 8 weeks old, and she stayed leash bound to a human for the next couple months even indoors so we always knew where she was, what she was getting into, and that she needed to go outside once an hour or so. (If I had to run errands, I specifically requested that my fiancé or housemate take puppy-sitting duty while I was gone.) As she got older she gradually got a little more space — first she was gated into whatever room I was in, then she got whichever half of the downstairs I was in but not the other half, then all the downstairs. We moved when she was about 1 into a house that wasn’t as divide-able, other than downstairs-from-upstairs, but by then she was reliably housetrained. Keep her close to a human while the retraining is going on, and if nobody’s available to watch her, then yes, crate or gate her into somewhere that’s easy to clean up.

      2. KR*

        On “blaming her” I should clarify that about as much as I have to do is stand near the scene of the crime and ask, “What’s this?” and she starts acting very upset and sad, so I’d argue she’s scolding herself lol. All good points, thank you. Husband has taken charge of getting professional carpet cleaning and picking out a crate for her. We’ve already discussed roles and responsibilities when it comes down to caring for her.

    3. ronda*

      i stopped feeding my dog in the morning because she decided it was a good idea to wake me up way early.

      It worked for me.

      1. Mom3*

        Hey, feel your pain! I have a dog who will go in an upstairs bedroom. Seems like it’s the farthest place from her bed. I’ve got a gate across the kitchen since it happens when I’m gone. Also she doesn’t like to go out when it’s raining, although we live in the one& you’d think she was used to it – so I walk her out first thing & make her get off the deck on to the grass with a tiny piece of treat. Same thing right before bed & seems to have controlled the problem. I really like the woolite oxy cleaner. I’ve never had a pet carpet cleaner solution bleach a carpet.

      2. KR*

        My cat might kill me if I started doing that but I’m so glad it worked for you!! It’s the kind of house where if one of them is eating or getting a treat everyone gets one lol.

    4. Doctor is In*

      One of our dogs is banned from our bedroom because she has peed on it when we are not looking. It’s territory marking I think!

      2. KR*

        Oh my goodness!! She hasn’t peed in the bedroom yet thankfully. I’m thinking worst case scenario we have a bathroom that opens up into our bedroom and we could keep her in there overnight with the gate up so she can still see in the bedroom but can’t access carpet.

    5. The Expendable Redshirt*

      As others have mentioned, check with the vet to see if a UTI isn’t the root cause.
      Other than that, you can try spreading some kind of pad on the area that she’s having accidents. Enzyme cleaners are quite excellent, and an absorbent pad may catch any further urine. It takes time for animals to learn new habits after all!
      A black light flashlight is essential! You’ll be able to spot accident sites and clean it up.

      1. KR*

        We are thinking of buying a large cheap throw rug for the landing where all of her accidents happen after the carpet is cleaned. Good idea about the puppy pads though!! We use them when we’ll be away for a while and think there’s a chance they might not be able to hold it, maybe I’ll start keeping one over where she has most of her accidents..

  28. PlatypusOo*

    That is a wonderful picture of your kitty! What a regal posture and handsome face…so sad when it’s time to say goodbye.

  29. Cats Behaving Strangely*

    Cat people: suggestions on my cat’s odd behaviour? She’s suddenly started doing something odd where she’ll poop while running around the house at top speed, leaving 5-8 stools scattered around the house. She’s done it a couple of times now in the past week or two. We’ve been confining her to her room, where she uses the box perfectly every time (has always used it for pee with no issues), and she went to the vet Thursday where they said she was in perfect health but sent us home with five days’ worth of medication to soothe her digestive tract. Well, last night: poop in flight again.

    She’s an only cat, five years old, spayed, very sweet and affectionate and acting completely normally other than this. Eating, sleeping, drinking water, using the box for pee (and sometimes for poo), playing, affectionate, etc. She has another vet visit in a couple of weeks but I’m concerned that my vet did not even pay any attention to her very weird running-while-pooping behaviour and glossed right over it. I live in a rural area so I don’t have a ton of options for vets, and she currently goes to the place with the best reviews, so I’m at a loss. Currently she’s in Cat Jail of her room with Feliway, which will hopefully chill her out a bit, and we’re going to do a food trial to see if it’s her wet or dry food that’s upsetting her stomach. Thoughts?

    1. Slartibartfast*

      Normal stool? Diarrhea? Hard and dry? Is she over-grooming and licking her belly bald? It is difficult to get into the mind of a cat. It could be pain or fear, not just a digestive issue (although that’s certainly possible too). Vets who are good cat whisperers are hard to find.
      In the meantime, I would journal this. When does it happen, what time of day, where was she and what was she doing just prior. If it happens when you aren’t home, set up a camera. Sudden noises are quite scary to a cat, is the washing machine near her room or litter box? Does the furnace thump when it turns on? Any environmental changes, redecorating, construction inside or outside? Is there another animal hanging around outside the house? Look for patterns. Cats get freaked out about weird things that humans wouldn’t think twice about.

      1. Cats Behaving Strangely*

        It’s mostly normal stool, but a few of them have been soft. It seems to usually take place about an hour after her evening meal, but we’ve switched up the food we give her at that time and that seems not to affect it. Her litter box is in a quiet room by itself and there’s no big changes inside or outside the house other than the change of seasons coming into winter. She has been losing some of the fur on the back of her legs, which the vet also didn’t seem concerned about, but I’m hoping the Feliway will help with that.

        1. Kuododi*

          One of the kitties who owned me back before a change in my allergies made serving the feline overlords no longer possible would get into the running poops when the litter pan wasn’t absolutely “spotless”. (Emphasis on spotless.). Very emotionally overwrought that girl was…. She additionally had horrible trichotillomania and would pull out all of her fur to the point she had sores. (Had to give the poor girl medicated baths to keep her from getting infected.). Long story short, the entire problem…both running poops and hair pulling resolved themselves when we brought home a Siamese kitty to be her new pal. Took about five minutes of sniffing and then they were the best of friends. Good luck…

          1. Cats Behaving Strangely*

            We have been debating another cat for a while! We originally had two–my kitty and her sister–and her sister passed away a couple of years ago. She seems to have been much, much more chilled out ever we lost her sister, but it could be that they were littermates who didn’t really get along, and even both vets we’ve had advised that she might get along better with a different cat. It’s definitely something that’s on our radar but I’m just not sure yet.

    2. Crystal Smith*

      My cat sometimes did something sort of like this – she’d start in the box and then start sprinting around mid-event, so to speak. It was always because she was either constipated and got uncomfortable, or once in a while she’d have eaten a long person hair and it would be sort of…sticking all the pieces together so she couldn’t pass them comfortably. Maybe not exactly what’s going on with your kitty, but for mine it helped to mix a little pureed pumpkin into her food and put her box in a really quiet spot.

      1. Cats Behaving Strangely*

        We did have an issue where she had one long hair in her stool, which was uncomfortable, but it’s been going on ever since then and that was a couple of weeks ago now. We tried the pumpkin in her food, which didn’t do much for her, and her box is super clean and already in a quiet room off by itself with no other distractions.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      As someone who has had cats all my life, this baffles me; I haven’t seen this before. I agree that it could be something scaring her suddenly. Another possibility is that one of her paws is hurt and the litter is bothering it. Although if that were the issue I would think that she would also pee outside the box. I’d definitely journal it and check around and in the box to see if there’s something that’s bothering/scaring her. Also, if she’s having hard stools, it could be that she’s trying to get it all out and can’t, so she flees the box. It’s good that all else is normal, so it’s probably nothing serious.

      I have a cat that will race around at top speed AFTER pooping. It’s as if she feels light as a feather and is full of energy.

      1. Cats Behaving Strangely*

        I did wonder that, but we figured the same as you, if her paw was injured she wouldn’t be using the box at all for anything. I just can’t figure it out because when she’s in her room she’ll use her box just fine with no issues, but when she has the run of the house…poop storm.

      2. cat socks*

        I agree that if it’s hard stool, she may be leaving the litter box if she can’t eliminate it completely. Miralax can be used for cats. 1/8 teaspoon mixed in with water.

        Recently my cat with kidney disease had a serious bout of constipation. She’s on Miralax twice a day and another medication called Cisapride. That is a motility drug that helps the stool move through her system. The combination of both have been helping her.

        Good luck! Hopefully journaling it will help you notice a pattern.

        1. Old Biddy*

          My old cat was prone to constipation and wouldn’t eat any food with pumpkin in it. the vet suggested Miralax in her wet food – mix in a little water or low sodium broth to make it soupier.
          FYI – my current cats love getting some broth mixed in with their wet food.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      While you are trying to figure this out, I think I would try setting up a second litter box.

      If you have an open box perhaps try a closed one, or visa versa.

      You mention the litter box being off to the side, so I think I would put the second one in a well traveled area.

      I had two cats. One of them was peeing in the front hall. I was not able to tell which one. I put a second litter box there and that was the end of that problem. Perhaps your cat wants to be closer to the area you are using frequently while using the litter box? Very strange, but that could be the problem.

      1. Cats Behaving Strangely*

        She does have a second box on a different floor in a different area, and that one is open rather than closed. She doesn’t use it, ever, but we’ve moved it around a bit to see if she would try.

    5. Dance-y Reagan*

      Is she your only pet? Based on my experience, this sounds like another animal tormenting her when she tries to use the box.

    6. Nita*

      Has she been checked for worms or other parasites, or some kind of inflammation? If she’s losing hair on the back of her legs, she might be licking or rubbing that area. I’ve only had a dog, but he would scoot when his back end was bothering him. I wonder if the running accomplishes the same thing, less feeling of discomfort.

      You also mention a recent hair incident. I’ve read somewhere recently that some cats, if they’ve been spooked by something, will keep reacting to that thing long after it’s happened.

      1. Cats Behaving Strangely*

        Our vet did a fecal exam and didn’t find anything and she’s a strictly indoor cat as well, which makes me think it might not be that. I almost want to get a second opinion on that, though.

        1. Anonyme*

          We have strictly indoor cats and one had worms. You can bring dirt in on your shoes or they eat bugs that are infected.

    7. nonegiven*

      I’m gonna go with stress or anxiety. Maybe she needs kitty Prozac if there is no parasite or infection.

    8. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Ooooh! My cat did this just last night. He had a turd with a large clump of hair in it stuck halfway out of his butt. I know this because he ran across my lap while he was racing around and I smelled/saw it. So I had to run around after him until I caught him and liberated the turd. A few minutes later he calmed down. If he dropped any others around the house, I haven’t found them yet.

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        This happens to my cat occasionally. He is old and has trouble with constipation, so sometimes he will go outside the box. Honestly I think at this point it may partially be due to habit rather than actual constipation in his case. He associates this particular spot in the rug with pooping, so he just goes there when he thinks he will have trouble pooping. I wonder if your cat is starting to develop a habit as well.

    9. Amy*

      Can you ask your vet to do a full neuro exam? Unfortunately because you’re in a rural area there’s probably not a veterinary neurology service near you; if there was, I would recommend that if the problem continues. If your vet doesn’t feel he or she has the skill to do a complete neuro exam then you should seek another vet who can. It involves testing reflexes, pain perception, normal movements of limbs, etc.

      From your description it sounds as though your cat isn’t doing this consciously or voluntarily. Fecal incontinence can be due to an issue with the nerves and/or spinal cord. Fortunately, a good neuro exam by a skilled vet can pretty much rule that in or out, and roughly localize the lesion if it exists.

      1. Cats Behaving Strangely*

        We did wonder about that, but the thing stopping me from thinking that’s it is that when she’s confined to her room she uses her box absolutely perfectly for defecation with no problems, which doesn’t seem congruent with fecal incontinence.

  30. CJ*

    I’m sad and sorry for you that Sam passed away, Alison.

    He’s my favorite kind of kitty: a “creamsicle cat” like my Sunny, who died in June after almost ten years with us. Sunny was around ten when we saved him from his last chance at the shelter. We brought him home and got him on insulin and gave him shots every day. It sounds like a lot of work, but it really wasn’t. He seemed so grateful for our care and attention, and when I think of him I feel a lift and simple gladness that we had each other to love.

    Sending you a hug…

  31. Llellayena*

    Travel question: I’m planning a solo trip to New Orleans for February and I’ve been starting to consider hostels as a cost saving option. I’ve never stayed in a hostel before so I’m hoping for some advice on what to look for, general atmosphere and safety issues. I’m also hoping to meet people who might want to see the sights with me for a day or so, a week traveling solo seems a little lonely to me. Thanks!

    1. Blue_eyes*

      Make sure to read all the details about the hostel’s set up. There are a few different ways they can be configured – large bunk room with many people sharing a room, semi-private room for only 2-4 people, rooms separated by gender or not. Figure out what your personal level of comfort is with all these things. Do be sure to check TripAdvisor or other sites to find reviews from people who have stayed there, sometimes you will find out important details that the hostel’s website doesn’t mention.

      Hostels can be great when traveling alone because you can often meet others interested in doing things together, and get some social interaction during your trip that you wouldn’t if staying at a hotel alone. Most hostels have “common rooms” where people can hang out, cook, use the internet, etc.

    2. Lily Evans*

      Every hostel has it’s own personality, much more than hotels do. What I like to look for in a hostel (beyond just good reviews) is a place that doesn’t bill itself as super party oriented, but still has common areas, small (8 people or fewer) female-only dorms, and a good location. Obviously if you’re looking for a party hostel go for that, but many hostels offer a more low-key vibe, just look for places advertising a homier aesthetic with reviews mentioning how quiet it is. Common areas are important because they’re the best spots to meet people, yet some hostels don’t have them. Look for reviews that mention whether people in the common areas are friendly or if they keep more to themselves. Also a hostel that offers breakfast is great because a lot of people will congregate there in the morning to make plans. A lot of hostels also offer activities and group tours (I don’t think I’ve ever stayed at a hostel that didn’t offer a free, or very cheap, walking tour), and that’s a good sign that you’ll be able to meet people there. And location is important because I like to check it’s a generally safe area, but also that it’s close to the sights I’d like to see.

      For safety, look for places that have 24-hour reception and large lockers. Pretty much all hostels will have lockers, but some of them are tiny and just fit electronics. Having a locking suitcase is also helpful, and if you’re particularly worries you can buy cords that lock your suitcase to the bed.

    3. Bagpuss*

      I agree about reading up on reviews and the hostel website to get a feel for atmosphere etc.
      I used to stay at hostels quite a bit when I was younger and found that they do vary a lot – some are ‘party central’ which is fine if you enjoy that, or can sleep through anything but if not, look for smaller places or ones which don’t pitch to that market.
      Check what is included- it is quite common not to supply towels, for instance (often you can either bring your own or pay a small supplement on arrival)
      Definitely have a bag/case that locks and check out how big the lockers are and how they work (some places you need to bring or buy a padlock for your locker)
      Most places you can choose how large a dorm room you are in and whether it’s single or mixed gender.
      Enjoy your trip!

  33. Tomato Frog*

    Any bird people? Just moved into a house and I set up a finch feeder. No takers yet, which doesn’t surprise me, but I want to know how long I should give it before I try moving the feeder to a different spot. I can see some places to hang it that will probably be more bird-friendly, but they’re less visible from my window so I want to give this spot a fair shake first. It’s been three days now. How much longer should I give it?

    1. Nicole76*

      It usually took the birds a month if not longer to find my feeders so I’d give it more time. I love finches, and you’ll be so thrilled when they finally show up because they’re so pretty! Just note once they do you’ll be flying through seed and unfortunately thistle is not cheap.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I’d give it longer for sure, a month does not sound unreasonable. As winter wears on they will indeed find it. Once they find it, they will come year round.

    3. Kathenus*

      It’s also late in the fall migration season so the birds that are/aren’t around might still be changing. I echo the other commenters that weeks to months is the timetable I’d be looking at to have them find it and make it part of their foraging pattern.

    4. Natalie*

      I think it’s probably seasonal as others have said. The goldfinches around us at least seem to be not remotely picky and will eat from any feeder (even when the cat is in the window) but they’re all gone right now because of the weather.

      Depending on where you are, cardinals might be feeding and they are easygoing as well. Check out the Cornell Ornithology folks, they have a lot of migration info on their website.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Incidentally, because you mentioned goldfinches, they go NUTS over our purple coneflower when it turns to seed, and it’s right outside our window, which drives our cats nuts of course! I have no idea what else they eat, just that they are always around during that one time of year.

    5. Tomato Frog*

      Thanks all! That’s actually encouraging because I really didn’t want to move the feeder.

    6. Rainy*

      It takes weeks for birds to find a new feeder and then tell their friends. I’d leave it up for a month and a half before you move it.

  34. Perpetually Single*

    I had a crush on a guy and I (stupidly) thought that it meant something or that it would go somewhere. Those around me made fun of us and it seemed like there was some kind of interest, but there is a new girl that is around now and apparently he is very interested in her.

    I feel stupid, ugly, and regret liking him. This new girl is very young, pretty, and smart so I get it. The guy acted interested in me, but apparently that was short lived. I know deep down that he wasn’t the right guy for me, but it just hurts so much. It’s stupid because we rarely talked to one another and I am extremely shy, but I just wanted to believe for once that a guy like him could be interested in a girl like me.

    When people around us noticed something and another acquaintance noticed him looking at me and was like, “Her?” But what does that mean? Am I some hideous monster that no one would like? I’m not gorgeous, but I’m not ugly. I’ve had friends tell me that I’m pretty, funny, and smart; I’ve gone out with guys who said I was cute.
    It just hurts very badly and I don’t know why. Maybe I thought something would develop? Maybe I just liked the attention?

    Has anyone been through this? Can you offer any advice or stories of your own?

    1. thankful for AAM*

      I’m sorry that happened to you! My adult son recently had his first date ever and he really thought it was serious but she did not. He was really hurt. You are not alone.

      I feel like AAM’s advice about work and job hunting is helpful here but I am struggling to write it in a way that is clear. It’s like you went on an interview and they did value and like you (but clearly one of the staff did not) but another person seems like she might be a better fit. You are awesome, just not for every guy even if he seems perfect for you (dont we see ppl say that about a job they want badly?).

      I am also wondering if, like ppl on job interviews, you read too much into the interactions you had. It is not clear from your post if these were brief work interactions or actual dating situations and I may be making assumptions. But I wonder if they felt like more to you than he intended?

      Are there ways you can meet people outside of work (it sounded to me like this was at work?)? And find things to do that you enjoy and take the focus off of romantic relationships, enjoy yourself. That is an attraction right there!

      It is so hard to put yourself out there, I see it with my son. I wish you the best and I’m sorry I cannot be more helpful.

    2. fposte*

      Sorry, that’s always really disheartening. But I really like thankful’s point–you got to the interview stage here. But it hurts because you wanted the job–you liked the guy a lot, and you wanted to be his best thing.

      It also sounds like there’s a lot of other stuff going on here about self-worth, and you not being the kind of person that you feel is worthy, or recognized as worthy. You’re at the same time thinking his friends were seeing you as lesser and being offended (rightly, if your assessment is correct) at that, but also assessing yourself as lesser (that he couldn’t be interested in a girl like you), which makes me think there’s a possibility you could be projecting your own anxieties on his friends. Counseling might be worth considering on that front, if you’re not already going, to sort out the difference between individual value and the common disappointment of unrequited crushing.

      1. HannahS*

        I completely agree. There’s no “guy like him” and “girl like you.” Those ideas are so loaded! There’s just him, a human, and you, another human. It hurts when crushes aren’t reciprocated, but when someone does or doesn’t have a crush on you, it’s not a referendum on your essential worth. When you don’t have a crush on a guy you know, it doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy or don’t have good qualities, right?

        I think fposte is really on the nose with the suggestion of counseling. I once missed out on a great guy because he was interested in me but I was too shy to really speak to him much. He’s not The One That Got Away, because there are plenty of fish, etc., but it was a good lesson for me. The type of guy I like isn’t one to pursue someone who isn’t giving strong signs of being interested. And Perpetually Single, if you were too shy to have conversations with this guy, he didn’t really even get a chance to know you. If I can stretch out on a limb, it sounds like maybe this guy represented a fantasy about whatever life you think “guy like him” has, and who you’d be and what life you’d have if you were the girlfriend of a “guy like him.” And so the rejection feels like you’re being rejected from a much larger dream than just going on a date with this guy.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Maybe he’s a fly-by-night, flash-in-the-pan sort of guy and you are a sincere person who values people and values relationships.
      This would explain people making fun, it would explain his fleeting interest in you, and it would explain the “her?” remark.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Oh gosh, I’ve been there SO many times. I’m so sorry! It sucks!

      It’s really been important for me to break down the “guy like him” “girl like me” BS, and it IS BS. It puts guys I like on a pedestal to be worshiped, rather than right on level ground next to me to get to know. I need to discover if he’s right for me, not just if I can attain to his level of amazingness. That’s garbage. You and I and he are valuable and important intrinsically. He’s not a different category of person than you that you have to do or become something different in order to “deserve.” There’s no such thing as “the right guy” for anyone, IMO, either. There are lots of “right people” and lots of “wrong people” and most of us date a mixture of both that work or don’t work for lots of complicated reasons.

      I think it hurts because stuff like this always hurts — you liked him, you thought he was interested (and maybe he was), but then he found someone he felt was more compatible, and that’s not what you were hoping for. Dashed hopes are always painful. And that’s ok. It’s normal to feel bruised about it. You can lean into it, really feel it, and then have confidence that, in reality, he’s just a normal dude like every other dude, with quirks and flaws, and that there are any number of other guys out there you can get to know and enjoy being with, whether for a short time or a lifetime.

      Again, seriously, I’m sorry. It really is awful, and really does throw you for a loop. Wishing you the best as you move forward!

    5. Cait*

      The acquaintance saying “Her?” says infinitely more about them as a person than it does about you! It shows they are unkind and it says absolutely nothing about who YOU are – don’t take it to heart and don’t let their negativity bring you down. Even the people who you might think are the prettiest, smartest, funniest, whatever-est, still have their naysayers and have people who aren’t interested in them. You can’t help how others feel, so be kind to yourself! I think your gut feeling of “he’s not the right one” is the thing to keep focused on. He’s not right for you, and that’s okay. It would be nice to be appreciated, but if he doesn’t see it, someone else will. Maybe take some time to write down or just think about what you like about yourself, and remember that you deserve something that feels right!

    6. Lily Evans*

      The whole situation feels bizarrely middle-school. With people teasing you, and avoiding talking to the person you like, and the “guy like him vs. girl like me,” and the “her?”. If he acted interested in you, but you rarely talked to him, how was that going to ever go anywhere? It seems like you read a lot into a situation that wasn’t all that deep. You both kinda maybe liked each other, neither of you made an actual move, he moved on first. It’s not worth being so cruel to yourself over.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I don’t have much concrete to point out except that you don’t have much context in which to evaluate the comment. This may not be about you at all, but about the guy.
      You’re already speculating, so I’ll give you some more positive possibilities that also fit the minimal info you gave us. Maybe Friend knows that Guy has always dated dark haired women and you’re blonde. Or Guy has just gotten out of a relationship with someone who looks a lot like you. Or Guy steers away from strong-minded intelligent professionally dressing women in favor of giggling barflies.
      It may be tough but I’d suggest continuing to talk with Guy the same way–maybe even more. You might learn context, or one of you might change their mind.
      Good luck!

  35. Be the Change*

    Love of the week?

    Mine is Facetime, Messenger, Zoom, what have you, that allows you to call people and talk f2f.

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      My love of the week is Rap Snacks. I especially like the New York Deli Cheddar and the Honey Jalapeño. Gotta keep them to the occasional treat.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      This–it never really stops but it can change over time.

      I was mowing with the rotary mower last week, since I can’t afford to pay my yard guy right now, and I was over near the shed where Pig is buried. I looked down and there was her favorite ball, which had been lost long ago, lying right next to the wall of the shed. I swear it was not there before; I’ve been over there six million times and never saw it.

      If I’d found that shortly after she died, I would have bawled my face off. Instead, I took it inside and washed it (boy, was it dirty, haha). The rest of her toys are buried with her, but I’m glad she let me have this one back because I was regretting not keeping at least one of them. Maybe it went under the shed and the groundhog I saw recently kicked it out, or maybe she was paying me a visit. :)

      Here’s a video of her playing with it in 2012. Silly kitty. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwHrUSvRxWs

  38. Dainty Lady*

    This is completely boring: opinions on fixed index annuities as an investment? I kind of feel a market crash coming and I’d like not to lose my entire retirement savings.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I think unless you’re planning on retiring in 1-3 years you should stick with your current asset allocation (AA). Or, if you really feel you’re too aggressive, then make a permanent adjustment to your AA, but make sure you’re doing it at least as much because it’s time to do so as because you’re concerned about a downturn. Changing your strategy to try to compensate for a downturn is basically trying to time the market, and if you could do that you’d be one of the top investment advisors in the world. It’s pretty much impossible to know when a dip or correction will turn into a recession or depression, or when a recession/depression has hit bottom, and if you miss those you are courting disaster by getting in or out too early or too late.

      I have started rebalancing a lot more often, since to me that’s part of the point of an asset allocation; so if my target is 75/25 (stocks/bonds) and I’m at 75.5/24.5 after an up day and I rebalance, I might miss out on further profits if the market continues to go up, but I’m also taking my profits, even if it’s a bit early. It’s basically a guaranteed way to buy low and sell high, but you’re limiting your missed profits by sticking to a strategy.

    2. Book Lover*

      Yes, this depends massively on when you plan to retire.

      At 40 I am just investing monthly and ignoring the market. If it drops and never rises in the next 20 years presumably there will be bigger things to worry about than money. On the other hand, I would be extremely careful if retiring in the next 5 years.

    3. fposte*

      Strong no. They’re a new way for insurance companies to get money from you, and they’re hugely costly to get out of if you change your mind.

      If you’d like to make your portfolio less aggressive, you can, as Cosmic Avenger says, change your asset allocation to have a greater percentage allotted to bonds or, if you’re uncomfortable with bonds, you could look at stable value funds, CDs, I-Bonds, TIPS, etc. But fixed index annuities are profitable insurance policies with an investing name.

      1. Dainty Lady*

        fposte, can you say a little more? “Profitable insurance policies with an investing name”?

        Btw this is mostly bc my husband will be retiring in about 2 years. I have 7-8 more to go, and then will only be retiring from the place I get a pension; I’ll then get another job.

        1. fposte*

          “Annuities” is a term that covers a huge and hugely different number of things. They’re the most useful when they’re inexpensive and uncomplicated. The ones insurance companies sell tend not to be inexpensive and uncomplicated.

          Here are two good looks at annuities:

          Discussion thread on Bogleheads, which is a forum I highly recommend for use in planning your retirement:
          https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=222381

          Wiki link about index-inked annuities:
          https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Equity-indexed_annuity

        2. Natalie*

          How much of your retirement is invested in the stock market at this point? Since you are closeish to retirement you may want to start drawing down that percentage – not because of the current roiling, but because you want to be shifting to more stable investment as you get closer to cashing it out. Day traders aside, stocks are something you want to hold for years.

    4. Mazzy*

      I invest and honestly still don’t know what an annuity is. Maybe they just aren’t offered by Ameritrade.

      I shifted some money to fixed income, i.e. corporate bonds. Verizon had one at 4.5% per year, GM has one at 4%, for example. I also found a 3% CD. The only problem with these is that the value of bonds have also gone down if you plan to sell them before maturity.

      As per stocks, there are many stocks with dividends greater than 4% at this point, if you want to take a little risk and just earn the income. For example, most telecoms besides Verizon are undervalued right now because the same negative news keeps getting re-baked into the price, so you can get a 6%+ dividend. Consumer product stocks also haven’t been doing well even though the companies are. And utilities tend to pay 5% dividends. So if you want income, I’d put money in those certain type of stocks.

      I have one account that is 100% bonds that was worth $37,200 at the beginning of last week, and it was $36,000 this morning, so bonds aren’t safe either.

      1. fposte*

        Dividends aren’t inherently a great thing, though. They were more significant in the early 20th century, when selling shares was a complicated postal-based transaction that would cost you in commissions, so it was an easy way to get money out of your shares without selling.

        But it’s also important to understand that dividends don’t give you more money overall; they’re very different than interest, despite getting grouped in with interest from a tax standpoint. As the common explanation goes, a dividend is as if you had ten singles in your right pocket and moved one to your left. You don’t have more money; it’s just in different pockets. That’s why the value of a fund or stock drops precipitously the day it throws off a dividend (see any financial forum for the panicked “Why did my stock just drop in value?” posts on dividend days)–for the total value to remain constant, the value of the remaining stock has to drop (turns into $9) to account for the dividend (the single you moved to the other pocket). That’s why stocks and funds focused on high dividend production tend to have less growth. (You can always have the dividends reinvested, of course, but it wouldn’t make a lot of sense to choose an asset for high dividend production and then set the dividends to be reinvested.) Berkshire Hathaway, for instance, famously doesn’t even do dividends, because Buffett believes that’s not what a stock’s money is for.)

        And now if you want to sell shares to get some money out, it’s the click of a button and free or low-cost, depending on where you’re keeping your funds, and capital gains are taxed at equal or superior rates (depending on whether dividends are qualified or ordinary). So I think dividends sound a lot nicer than they are when you really look at the figures.

        1. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

          Hey, that’s extremely useful information! I’ve never seen an explanation that clear and concise about what stock dividends *are* before. Thanks fposte!

  40. very anon for this one*

    So…..awkward topic time!

    I’m 32. I’ve been on my current birth control for about eight years straight, and have been on and off other birth controls for years before that. I don’t have a placebo week where I get periods because my endometriosis is so severe that it would leave me unable to leave the house for a good week and a half each month. So the fix was taking a pill which would prevent all those symptoms as well as my period.

    Now, my sex drive is almost non-existent. Occasionally I’ll get turned on but it’s only when I’m reading porn specifically, and it’s only about half the time. I know the pill makes me as dry as the desert so lube is a necessity when I do anything.

    I haven’t dated in the past ten years years for various reasons. I’m at the point of wondering if this is actually my normal sex drive or if birth control has killed it entirely. I’m trying to start dating again and I really want that to include sex, but I really, really can’t imagine going off the pill because I shudder to have my endo come back in full force each month. I also don’t know if my general indifference to life and doing things and leaving my apartment is part of my personality or a change in mood because of the pill.

    I’m feeling kind of embarrassed that I’m 32 with no sex drive (when I want one) and not much history of dating and sex, and I don’t know whether my current mood and emotional state is due to birth control or if it’s actually me. I can’t remember how I was the last time I was off the pill for a significant amount of time.

    TL;DR: birth control is great, but I wish there was more research and education about it’s side effects because I can’t figure out where I begin and where the hormones from the pill end.

    1. WellRed*

      I can’t speak to hormone side effects, but from personal ecperience, I went through a long phase of no desire early 30s. It came back real quick in my late 3Os when I started meeting men, and decent ones at that! Also, is the pill your only option for BC and endometriosis? (Honest question, I have no idea).

      1. very anon for this one*

        I can’t have an IUD for various reasons, and I’m allergic to something in the NuvaRing and some other birth controls (they give me awful muscle spasms; when I tried it, it hurt to even move). My gyno says the pill is probably the best option for my personal situation.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Can you try a different pill? I had that with lots of pills except with Yaz. Also weirdly the mini pill (progesterone only) doesn’t interfere with sex drive for me.

          2. EddieSherbert*

            Ohhh, this is interesting. Very anon, I also take dailies and also have basically had it kill my sex drive. My partner an I work around that with “sexy things that are not sex” most of the time.

    2. Not a Mere Device*

      I don’t know about the birth control part of this, but if you need lube, use lube. It took me a while to sort out that “I need lube” means nothing about how turned on I am, or what I do (or don’t) want to do sexually; it’s just the way my body is.

      1. very anon for this one*

        True! To be honest, it took me years to even feel comfortable buying lube for this reason because I had some internalized shame about my body not working right. Which I realize is ridiculous.

      2. Parenthetically*

        YES! There’s even a term for it which I learned once reading Come As You Are — it’s totally normal for our physical responses to be incongruous with our desires and preferences.

      3. Anonymous Lady Story*

        I had a problem with my birth control where I was “dry” all the time. It turned out I had a permanent, low grade yeast infection. No discharge so the doctor wouldn’t believe me that I had one (I got yelled at for “not understanding how my body works”), but when they ran a lab test for it, it would always come back positive.

        Finally I got someone to prescribe probiotic yogurt, applied vaginally, to rebalance things and eliminate the infection.

    3. Greymalk*

      You might want to set up an appointment with your gyno to talk about some testosterone supplementation, or other hormone rebalancing? I’ve had low estrogen my whole life, and was taking bcp continuously to help with that, but found the progesterone in the pills was throwing hormone balances off and had to get all hormones checked so we could adjust things. Adding a testosterone cream helped me; it may be something like that or another adjustment could help with libido…

      1. very anon for this one*

        I have talked about that. There was a period in my early to mid 20s where we struggled to find the right fit with hormones. I now I had some issues with the progesterone, and some imbalances turned me into a monster (and I mean, I’m horrified by how out of whack it made my emotions – I was literally angry at everything). It was a big struggle to find a pill that worked with my endo symptoms and the one I’ve been on was the one that ended up working the best.

        But, I think you may be right about setting up another appointment. I tend to avoid the gyno when I don’t have paps (because they hurt so much when I get them. So much blood and I always faint afterwards from the pain), and I think my bad experiences with paps make me wary to even go to the gyno normally.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yeah, I won’t go on my “SO MANY GYNS ARE MISOGYNISTS IN DISGUISE” rant, but suffice it to say, having a nonexistent sex drive when you used to have one is an… inconvenient side effect to say the least, and one your doc should take seriously and not just brush off as “well, it’s the best we can do, sorry you have to live with this sucky symptom because I won’t bother spending more time talking with you.”

          1. very anon for this one*

            I not really surprised about the brush off considering it took ten years to find a gyno who believed my endo symptoms and didn’t just tell me I was exaggerating or it was all in my mind. I almost cried in the doctor’s office the first time I had a gyno tell me that my period symptoms were because of endo and that she believed me.

            1. Observer*

              How did your Gyno diagnose Endo? Because there are a number of possible causes for serious period pain, so you also want to find the real cause.

        2. Jaid_Diah*

          …Why the hell are you bleeding from a pap smear? That just sounds very, very wrong.

          As for the pain, can you load up on Aleeve or something before you go in for the procedure?

          You have all my feels, hugs and anything else you need.

          1. Nita*

            Yes. Pretty sure they’re not supposed to bleed. Has your doctor ever given you an explanation, or even bothered to notice?

            1. Vic tower*

              Obgyn here. It’s pretty common to bleed from a pap smear. And some women always find them painful, unfortunately. I think the key thing here is how the gynaecologist is with this – do they reassure and explain? Do they let you say stop when you need them to stop? Do you trust them? Not all doctors suit all patients but it’s worth finding one you feel comfortable with. And return to them if what they suggested didn’t work. The majority of gynaecologists (and doctors) really did choose this career because we want to help.

              1. Vic tower*

                Also, your loss of libido could well be due to the COCP and discussion with your gynae is a good idea. However, female libido in particular is very complex, your social and psychological status may also play a big role and as in WellRed’s experience you may find the desire us there when you start dating.

              2. TL -*

                Yeah, pap smears always hurt for me (though no bleeding) – the actual insertion of my IUD hurt a lot less than getting the speculum or whatever in there and opening things up.

                My fav ob-gyn is fast, sympathetic and talks to me to distract me. My least favorite told me “it shouldn’t hurt that bad” and then got annoyed when my response was, “Well, it does.”

              3. very anon for this one*

                My OBGYN is at a hospital where the doctor’s rotate after a few years, so it’s been hit or miss. The worst assume I’m lying and get annoyed when I’m in pain, but the best reassure me and let me take a break when I need them to stop, and actually believe me when I tell them before the exam that I find it unbearably painful. The nurses are always wonderful though and willing to give me a hand to hold when I need it, and I’ll always be forever grateful to them.

          2. very anon for this one*

            This has always happened no matter the gyno I’ve visited over the years, and I’ve been told it’s not abnormal for some women to bleed from a pap or for them to be painful. Just because it doesn’t happen to some women, doesn’t mean it’s wrong because it happens to others.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I’ve never had blood from a pap — if you’ve had this same gyn. Your whole life please try another.

          1. very anon for this one*

            It’s happened with every gyn I’ve had, so I’m pretty sure it’s just how it is with my body.

    4. Boo Hoo*

      Birth control totally ruins sex drive. Will never touch it again, well and we are trying to get pregnant. It sounds like you do need it for your endometriosis but pretty much all of them will cause this to some extent.

      1. Jenny F. Scientist*

        That may be true for you, but it’s not true that all hormonal birth control ‘ruins sex drive’ in everyone. Proof by counterxample: me! (Though at least one made me super moody and depressed; I’m fully on board with the idea that there are a LOT of side effects.)

    5. Nacho*

      I’m 28, also with no sex drive (not on BC though, so I know why with 100% certainty), so I understand how frustrating this must be for you. Maybe I’m a little biased though, but is a sex drive really that great? It seems like everybody places a whole lot of value and worth on one particular thing, when you can live a perfectly happy life without bothering with it. I suggest sitting down and really thinking hard about whether or not your life would be better if you wanted to have sex, because IMO, it probably wouldn’t be. Again, possibly biased though, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

      1. very anon for this one*

        I enjoy having sex, so yeah, I do think my life would be better if I had my sex drive back. I have thought hard about it. For years.

        1. very anon for this one*

          I’ll also add that I spent years being told I was wrong for having sexual attraction towards both men and women, and I’d also like to have my sex drive back so I can have sex with women and stop feeling like I’m missing out on a big part of life and exploring my sexuality and something I missed out on for years because my body just doesn’t want to agree with my heart or mind or emotions.

          1. Aloha Oe*

            Any chance you’re on other meds? I was on Lexapro and it killed my sex drive. It was hard! I was ready to just live with it but my doctor had me switch to Wellbutrin which didn’t have as big an effect.

            My wife doesn’t have endometriosis but she does get killer cramps, and she’s always categorically refused to take HBC. She’s just really anti-hormone for herself, even when she was sleeping with men and could have used it for pregnancy prevention. (I also found that HBC really messed up my body, and when I went off it (was on it for PCOS not pregnancy prevention, I’m gay) my body actually did better on its own.)

            All of this is to say, could you consider trying to go off your HBC just to see how it is? Maybe it’s still horrible pain, maybe it’s not as bad as it used to be, maybe your sex drive skyrockets up and you’d rather live with the horrible pain, maybe your body needs a break to reset. I understand that this idea may be a terrible idea but I thought I’d mention it.

            Could you find an endometriosis specialist as your gyn? They might be more creative in treating your situation and might put more emphasis on maintaining/bringing back your sex drive.

            Plus just a plug for sleeping with women, there’s a ton of different ways for women to have sex, and so if coitus is just not appealing, there’s a bunch of different things you could try without necessarily feeling like you’re “missing out” on what is usually the main attraction in hetero sex.

      2. Parenthetically*

        What a strange response. It is 100% ok for people not to have or care about a sex drive, but it is also really ok for people to want to have one without someone telling them it’s no big deal and maybe they shouldn’t actually want it. Very Anon has specifically said she wants to have a sex drive and wants her dating life to include sex, so it’s pretty not cool to tell her that maybe, if she really thinks hard about it, she *doesn’t* want those things, just because sex just is a “meh” for you.

        1. EddieSherbert*

          +1!
          It totally depends on the person. Yes, our culture is weird about shaming people with low sex drives (… and high… ad for who they’re attracted to… and so on and so on), but Very Anon specifically said she wishes hers would come back.

          My birth control pretty much killed my sex drive, but it was pretty low to begin with, so I don’t care all that much – and I do see where you’re coming from Nacho, but your wording wasn’t helpful (or kind).

      3. TL -*

        My life is generally better when I want to have sex, because then I do have sex and that is something I value and enjoy. I think that’s a pretty common attitude.

    6. Loopy*

      I have totally had libido issues from taking birth control as a pill! At times it didn’t bother me and at times it did. When I wanted to try and explore other options, I had a frank discussion with my doctor (who I liked/trusted/thought was good). It was super useful for me, we kind of went down alist of options and she suggested some that tend to have less of an effect on libido. I lucked out that I had the time and money and a good doctor to explore this with. TBH, I wouldn’t want to with my current doctor so I’d first find someone you are comfortable with and like.

      I had to weigh the huge hassle of trying another pill that might have awful side effects and possibly making more than one switch, but honestly I talked through which side effects I was more concerned with up front and the doctor and I avoided ones that had those often.

      But yeah, I’ve definitely had different levels on different birth controls and absolutely chose to switch at one point because of it.

    7. Sparrow*

      I’m far from an expert, but I know that there are some surgical options for endometriosis. Since yours sounds quite severe and the libido effects of your current treatment are bothering you, it may be worth discussing with your doctor (or revisiting). It also may be worth trying to see an endometriosis specialist if you can since it’s such a widely misunderstood condition.

    8. Observer*

      Get yourself to an good endo specialist. Excision of endo works very well for a lot of women. Yes, it’s surgery, but in a case like yours the endo looks like it’s really messing with your life and so it’s worth considering. The key thing to keep in mind is that you need to go to a surgeon that doe LOTS of these surgeries, and that does EXCISION not ablation.

      Also, it can’t hurt to talk to your doctor about finding a different BC solution that might have a lesser effect on your drive.

  41. PDXCats*

    My cat, who my roommate-landlord won’t let in the house and that my husband has decided he hates, was picked up by animal services while outside. I’m emptying my bank account just to get her back, but my concern is that a neighbor (or even my roommate) called animal control on her. Any advice? I couldn’t find if outdoor cats are against ordinances in Washington County, Oregon where I live…

    1. Red Reader*

      If your cat isn’t allowed in your house and moving isn’t an option, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you probably need to rehome the cat for its own safety.

      1. PDXCats*

        I’m moving in 2 months. Couldn’t find anyone in my friend group that would take her due to…well, most people I asked got kittens after saying no, so there’s that

        1. PDXCats*

          Also, she is my emotional support animal, but as my landlord is my roommate, evidently he gets to deny my reasonable accommodation request (Fair Housing, not ADA)

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Can you re-home the cat for its own safety….and then make plans to rejoin it? (All right, mostly kidding, but your roomie-landlord sounds seriously Not Nice.) And/or have a serious talk with your husband?
      As for the legal matters, perhaps your local humane society or ASPCA can advise you.

      1. PDXCats*

        Thanks, I’ll give them a call & check for advice! Trying to keep moving on in the face of all the Not Nice

        1. LuckySOphia*

          Some shelters have “fostering” programs…maybe they could find a volunteer who would foster-home your kitty for 2 months, until you can live with her again?

    3. soupmonger*

      Your cat lives outside? Sleeps, eats, spends all time outside? You need to find a foster home for the poor cat, or find another home for you and kitty.

      1. valentine*

        Move with just the cat. Even ask the people who said no, because no to cat care is different. Your husband should lose the attitude before you live with him again, unless switching out the cat is better for you (and only you) overall.

    4. EddieSherbert*

      I’m sorry, that sucks! I would make sure your kitty is microchipped and wearing a collar with a tag (with your number). Then hopefully a neighbor would call you versus bringing her in.

      You should also make sure she is spayed and up-to-date on shots, especially rabies. And set up some kind of outdoor cat shelter for her if you can, so she has a safe place out of the elements to sleep ad hang out. There are pre-built fancy ones you can buy, and really easy DIY ones you can do with a rubber container + styrofoam cooler + bedding of some kind.

      And ideally, start making a place to move somewhere she can come inside ASAP. Doesn’t sound like she’s feral at all, so it’s not in her best interest to live outside. Plus she has a much higher risk of getting FIV or FELV if she’s outside.

      My final comment would be that if she is declawed (front or four paw), I’m sorry, but you REALLY need to rehome her. It is not safe for declawed kitties to live on the streets.

    5. Nines*

      High five WashCo Oregon!
      There are a TON of outdoor cats by my house. It’s definitely not against any ordinance. But there are a lot of coyotes and missing cats around here… =\
      I’m really sorry you have to deal with such insensitive roommates! If I didn’t have a horribly mean chihuahua I would offer my help – seriously though, he would lose his mind and be terribly nasty if I introduced a cat to his home.

  42. GhostWriter*

    Update Post: I posted here two weeks ago about working on cleaning out my parents’ attic and guest rooms and being frustrated that my brother was saying to keep a bunch of his childhood stuff. I talked to him about the baseball trophies. Turns out he doesn’t want to display them or store them in his house or pay to have them shipped to him, so I got rid of them. Thank you for all the advice! I’m going to use it going forward to make sure we’re keeping less of his stuff and that he has actual plans for receiving the stuff he says he wants to keep.

  43. Foreign Octopus*

    I’m off to Madrid at the beginning of December for five days. This is my first holiday in three years and despite having lived in Spain for that long I haven’t yet visited the capital so I’m remedying that situation soon. I’m really excited about it, although I wanted to go to Grenada first but I’d left it too late and the tickets were prohibitively expensive for me so Madrid it is! Suggestions of what to see would be welcomed – I’m already planning on the Prado, and my parents are giving me an early Christmas present of a food tour, which should be fun, but other suggestions would be great.

    Also, my parents are here and they’ve brought their very energetic five-month-old puppy with them. She’s a force of nature. She literally flings herself at you in an attempt to love you and then she just drops and starts snoring. She’s gorgeous though – although my cat doesn’t like her but she doesn’t really like anyone except me so I’m not surprised.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      The Cervantes monument in Plaza de España is pretty cool. There are also some nice rooftop bars (even if you don’t drink, they’re great for a lemonade and the fantastic view). I loved Madrid, have a great time!

    2. Bluebell*

      Have a wonderful time in Madrid. There are two other amazing museums- Reina Sofia and Thyssen Bornemisza (sp?). You could also fit in a day trip to Toledo (gorgeous!), Avila or Salamanca.

    3. OlympiasEpiriot*

      Hope you check this again…

      I haven’t been there in a very long time, but a great restaurant that IS STILL THERE (!) is Sidney, along the north side of the Evita Park (as I called it), Parque Eva Duarte De Perón in the Salamanca district. I remember their gambas al plancha with great fondness.

  44. NeedCarAdvice*

    Hi all,
    Last Monday I was rear-ended on the way home from work. I got the driver’s license info and a phone number, and stupidly decided that most people are reasonable and will act in good faith, so I didn’t call the police. Now they’re dodging my calls and not answering text messages. The thing is, they have a very easily googleable name. The urge to show up at their place of work is increasing, if only to get a picture of their license plate number. This seems like a bad idea, someone please talk me out of.
    Any advice would help,
    NeedCarAdvice

      1. Anonerson*

        Agreed! Explain that you waited in good faith, but you realized it was time to file a report. Also, if you haven’t already contacted your insurance company, do that as well – they might be able to make a claim on your behalf with the other party’s insurance. Good luck!

        1. NeedCarAdvice*

          My insurance has also been contacted, and the rear-ender is also dodging their calls. With the amount of damage, I am not legally required to fill out a collision report in my state, but I’ve told the other person that I will if they don’t send their insurance info. This is crazy, I’ve done almost nothing but think about this whole thing all week.

          1. WellRed*

            Your insurance company should be chasing them, not you. I’d go ahead and file the police report, at any rate. If you are calling/texting them, stop. It won’t help, and chances are, they have no insurance or something else that’s making them duck you.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Yep, rear enders are usually blamed on the hitter. It’s up to your insurance company to chase his insurance company. You shouldn’t have to do anything. Do make sure you file a report with the police, then let your insurance company handle the rest.
              Do you want the damaged fixed? I know my car has gotten a little “kiss” and I just let it go because of the age of the vehicle.

              You have their drivers license number that is all you need. To go take a pic of the license plate is at best redundant and at worst stirring the pot. Why bring on more issues when you have the info you need right now.

              1. NeedCarAdvice*

                Its about $720 worth of damage. I need to go dig out my county police’s non-emergency line. I’ve only lived here for four months, and its starting to feel cursed. First the hurricane, and now this.

                1. Anon Anon Anon*

                  You can also go to a police station in person, or talk to an officer you see on the street. I agree that going to the police is the next step. Have them hunt the person down. Don’t do it yourself!

                2. NeedCarAdvice*

                  I got a little frustrated and sent a text that said my insurance and I may have to assume she doesn’t have insurance, and she texted back and said she told her father, who would be handling the insurance company, and that she is not required to send me anything until he tells her to.

                  I’ll be stopping communication there. I tried talking to the police, but they weren’t helpful; I’ll write everything up and send it to my insurance people.

    2. Kathenus*

      People can be jerks. The week after my mom passed away I was working with my brothers on cleaning out her house and an elderly man in a parking lot hit the car. Same thing, gave me all his information, please don’t call the police, I’ll pay for the damage. I believed him, and had enough other things going on that I went ahead and didn’t call. When I got the estimate, he refused to pay and said go ahead and sue me. I didn’t live in the area so chose not to because it would require me traveling back just to go to court, but boy did I want to. I still to this day have a recurring fantasy of going to his house – since I have his address – and egging his car; but I haven’t (and won’t) actually do it.

      1. NeedCarAdvice*

        I’m sorry about your mom. I, too, am starting to have fantasies, but this one is about showing up at their workplace… which is apparently owned by their mother.

    3. Last llama in town*

      Ugh I’m so sorry. This happened to me too except I *backed into someone*. It was minor damage (probably about like yours- quotes were $510-990 to fix).

      I knew I was at fault, asked if we could avoid insurance (my husband has had 3 accidents in the past 5 years including one with $19k of damage this past year…) and our rates are sky high. Another accident would be *so bad* for our rates. He was fine with it, but I still felt like…he was doing me this huge favor. I told him to pick any body shop and let me know and I’d call and put my credit card on file there for payment.

      I was careful to call or text him back within a few hours (if not instantly-but it was a work week) each time. Accident was last Tuesday and he kindly comparison shopped and went to the cheapest place (I told him many times just to go to the most convenient place since he was already saving me money by allowing me to do things directly). Car was fixed and paid for last Friday.

      Also, one time I had a woman sideswipe my car. She left a note. I called her and she’s here in the us on a visa and her insurance rates are sky high because she has no US driving history. We met up at the dealer and we both got the quote in person…she put her card on file and $2k later my car was good as new.

      So, there *are* good people, but it sounds like you are getting a run around. If they are not bending over backwards to cooperate/make this easy on you, go into the police station ASAP. The goood news is that since you were rear ended, it’s pretty much 100% their fault (unless you were me and, well, rear ended yourself by backing up into someone…)

  45. Anonerson*

    Halloween music! I’m hosting a Halloween party tomorrow, and I need music ideas. I want to go with music that isn’t overtly Halloween themed, but just a bit creepy/dark. I thought I’d have a playlist ready to go by now, but I’m stuck. So far I have a few Tom Waits songs, Donovan’s “Season of the Witch”, Paul Simon’s “The Werewolf”…and little else. I know there’s a wealth of creepy classical music, but I don’t know if I want to go in that direction. I’m not looking for hard rock, either. Any ideas?

      1. Jen in Oregon*

        Oingo Boingo’s Dead Man’s Party
        Rocky Horror’s Time Warp
        Blue Oyster Cult’s Don’t Fear the Reaper
        Warren Zevon’s Werewolves of London

    3. thankful for AAM*

      If your library has a music service like freegal, it has themed playlists. So does Spotify.

    4. WellRed*

      Eagles, “Witchy Woman,” Cliff Richard, “Devil Woman,” Stevie Nicks, “Rhiannon,” “Sisters of the Moon, “Gold Dust Woman”(hah, anything Stevie!). Blue Oyster Cult, “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” April Wine, “sign of the Gypsy Queen.”

      1. London Calling*

        Aaaah, so glad someone suggested that! also Me and My Mummy, also by Bobby Boris Pickett.

    9. MarieAlice*

      Kate Bush, The Wedding List (with a rather creepy 1979 Christmas special on youtube) and Lily
      Something from the Rocky Horror Picture Show
      Meat Loaf, Bat out of Hell

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        It’s Halloween week on Strictly Come Dancing and we have already have the theme from Dr Who , Monster Mash, and Thriller (or as I like to call it, the annual contribution to the estate of Michael Jackson).

        Saint Saens Danse Macabre?

    11. Ann O.*

      Nox Arcana specializes in creepy/dark music. Also, soundtracks to games like America McGee’s Alice will have good background atmosphere creepy music.

    12. Canadian Natasha*

      What about The Sound of Silence? Not exactly halloween/horror but if you pay attention the lyrics really are a bit disturbing…

    15. Anonerson*

      Thanks, everyone! I can’t believe I forgot about “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” And “Gold Dust Woman” is definitely going on the playlist. As much as I love the classics like Monster Mash and Rocky Horror, I’m taking a break from them this time around – just want to change it up a bit this year!

  46. Sunflower*

    In the market for a new TV and am clueless as the last tv i bought was in 2006. I’m looking for something between 27-32 inches for my bedroom and don’t need to spend a lot on bells and whistles.

    I don’t have cable and primarily use Netflix/Hulu and stream through apps using my parents cable log in. It seems to make sense to me to buy a Smart Tv but i also know that this technology changes every 5 minutes. I currently work off a Chromecast but want a Roku since it make streaming easier- not all apps take my parents provider and their cable company is launching a Roku app for $2.50/month that will basically act as a cable box. I was thinking of waiting til the holidays to get a new TV and don’t want to waste on a Roku right now if i won’t need it in a month. I also still watch DVDs and my current TV has a player built in but I think it might make more sense to just buy a new, separate player.

    For non cable users, what’s your suggestion?

    1. Random Commenter*

      I have used a Smart TV for the past 5 years and it hasn’t gone obsolete by a long shot. Apps have updated themselves. I still have the 5-syar rating system on Netflix on my TV (which I prefer) and it works fine. But I’m based in Latin America, no idea if it varies on location.

      I’ve also heard wonders about the Chromecast both from people here and from family in the US. I understand that the main advantage of the Chromecast vs smart TV is that it’s more versatile, like there’s more things that you can do with it I think. And it’s not that expensive.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I use cable, but only because my partner still insists on it. I would have cut the cord long ago if I was living alone.

      I love my Rokus also, but my first smart TV was a 2008 model, so is a crap smart TV. The Roku did much better, and was easier and cheaper to upgrade than a TV. But we finally needed a new TV this year, and our newer TV does as good of a job as our Roku Premiere. I also use some less popular streaming apps (Plex and Vudu), which were often not included on smart TVs until the last couple of years, but they are more popular now, and I’ve found them on all the smart TVs I’ve looked at. The new one is a Samsung, and I got used to their interface pretty quickly, and the apps are not that different.

      Like I said, I found it pretty easy to get used to the Samsung interface and app store, so you can always go to a store and play with the user interface, but if you *really* love the Roku platform, you could also look at Roku TVs, which are smart TVs with a Roku interface for apps: https://www.roku.com/roku-tv

    3. Alex*

      I got a samsung smart TV and IT SUCKS OMG. It is practically unusable. I’d just buy a plain TV and then a Roku stick. My other TV has a Roku stick and it is perfectly good.

      My smart TV sucks so bad. It has never worked right. The only time it works is when I call customer service. Magically, it starts working when I am on the phone with their help line. As soon as I hang up, nope, it stops working.

      From connecting to the internet to opening apps, this thing is the worst piece of garbage I’ve ever owned.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Hm. Mine is a Samsung UN40MU6300 (40″, 4K, 2017 model year), and I love it. I use the apps instead of the Roku. I think the interface is called Samsung Smart Hub. Are you on an older one, or is this one the one you hate? I’ve rearranged the apps in order of how often we use them, which helps, and I really like the remote, although I switch to the TiVo remote when watching TiVo because I’m used to that remote, and there are a lot of functions on that remote that you can’t replicate in a smaller remote.

        Anyway, sounds like Sunflower might like a Roku TV better anyway, or a dumb TV. At the 27-32 inch range, there’s no point in buying 4K, so even a used 1080 LCD might do. Heck, we don’t watch the 40″ from close enough to appreciate the 4K quality, but I got a good price on it, and I wanted to buy new because we use it a lot.

        1. Alex*

          Yeah, my TV has the “Smart” Hub. Much smaller than yours, not 4k, though. I think it is 28″.

          But it just doesn’t work. It won’t connect to the internet 99% of the time. If I click on the app, it won’t open it 99% of the time. It will say “App unavailable.” Or just freeze completely. (And there is nothing wrong with my internet–I use it for streaming all the time with no issues.)

          I’ve called customer service 3 times. Each time, they have me go through all the things I just did. Then it works. It will connect to the internet, the apps will open, etc. But then the next time I try to use the TV, it won’t work again.

          I’ve just stopped trying. I just pretend it does not have any of these features, because they only work 1 out of every 100 times I try. Trying to use it just makes me angry that I wasted my money on this piece of trash. I hate replacing things that aren’t old, but if I didn’t think I was going to possibly move soon, I would get rid of this even though it is only a couple of years old. I don’t think I could even bring myself to sell it, because I don’t want to do that to someone!

          1. Ron McDon*

            There is a huge list f people complaining about this on Samsung forums – a recentish update seems to have made the wireless functionality stop working on certain models, including my upstairs tv!

            I managed to sort out a workaround by buying a plug in WiFi booster from Amazon (£20), which I plugged in next to my tv plug, and connected to the back of the tv with a network cable (I had one spare from an old broadband router).

            This then created a wired connection which means the smart hub and apps now work again. This wouldn’t be a solution if you stream from your phone or laptop (no wireless connection), but I don’t use these anyway so it works perfectly for me. Hopefully this may be a solution to get your apps working again?

            I love Samsung smart TVs – all our TVs are now Samsung smart TVs – but this is a real issue for lots and lots of people, and it is pretty poor service from Samsung. Apparently the customer service dept deny knowing anything about this update causing wireless problems, but it has been so widespread I don’t believe they cannot know.

            1. The Cosmic Avenger*

              Ah, that might explain it. I installed jacks and network switches where we have our TVs, so I hadn’t heard about the wireless issue. (I don’t follow the home theater/AV boards the way I used to.) I was trying not to buy a Samsung because the last one had a bad capacitor that they knew about, but the current ratings and prices plus the size limits we have for the one we were replacing kept bringing me back to this particular Samsung.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I have a Sony smart TV and my Roku is better. I think the TV’s brain just can’t think fast enough–it buffers a LOT more than if I just use the Roku, which is plugged directly into my router. I like the TV otherwise. The picture is great. And it is very thin and light, unlike my heavy old non-smart flat screen, which lives in the bedroom now with the old Roku. It was a feat of engineering just to get its cabinet around the corner and into the bedroom, let me tell you.

        The Sony is bigger also, so I had to buy a TV stand for it. I moved it to another wall in the living room so I could put the digital antenna in the window because it was NOT picking up anything where it was. With the antenna, Netflix, Hulu, Britbox, and the rest of my Roku channels (all free), I’ve got plenty to watch.

    4. Anonymous Celebrity*

      I bought a TCL Roku TV from the Amazon website, liked it, and bought another one. It has Roku built in, so you don’t need a Roku box or dongle. Works very well. On it I can get all the streaming channels I want, including Amazon Prime, Vudu, PBS, Netflix, and a host of others. These TVs are pretty cheap, but I’ve had my older one for two years without any problems. I may buy a third one soon – a 55″ for $379. At that price, if it lasts four years I’m happy. And it may last longer. I’m not a stickler for picture quality, though. To me, the picture is crisp and clear and the colors render well. However, I don’t need Ultra HD. If you do, it may not be a good choice.

    5. Ginger ale for all*

      The current issue of Consumer Reports reviewed televisions. Your local public library should have a copy if you want to read it for free. I think the cover has something about folk remedies on it if you want to pick up a copy from the store.

  47. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    RIP Sam ;(

    Anyhow.

    Am at the eye doctor for contact lens refills after my 8 month saga of left-eye corneal scratches. Now I have one white dot on my eye on my right eye, prob getting antibiotics. Anyone with recurrent stuff like this? What did you end up doing, eg. Switch to glasses only? I use antibacterial solution, wash my hands multiple times a day, etc. I live near an urban construction site but I wear sunglasses.

    What am I doing wrong? Or is this a function of turning 30-something?

    Also, going into the lions den right after—I mean parentals for lunch and Pictionary (grey-rocking with one visit every 3 months to prevent surprise visits on their end).

    Send good vibes. Please? :S

    1. fposte*

      Sounds like you may have recurrent corneal erosion. You may need a tear-film test to see if the problem is tear-film makeup or insufficient production of tears/oil, which can be helped with drops. If you’ve only been seeing an optometrist, you might want to check out an ophthalmologist.

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      Very much sending good vibes and seconding fposte’s recommendation of an ophthalmologist.

    3. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Thanks…got an ophthalmologist appt scheduled for early next week…in the meantime, glasses, eyedrops, and rest…

  48. LGC*

    So, might as well get a start on this: good morning, runners of AAM! How’ve things been? (8 days until NYC and I just made myself nervous thinking about it.)

    Weekly question: for the runners here, do you guys listen to music on the run? And what kind? I’m partly asking because of the article about Eliud Kipchoge’s love for Kelly Clarkson, which brings me an insane amount of joy. (The article, I mean. Okay, and Kelly Clarkson.)

    For me, if I’m solo I’ve got ear buds in. And I’m probably blasting some sort of pop music – and I’ll often try to match tempo (because I kind of go faster on faster tracks anyway). Probably what’s been getting the heaviest play from me this month has been the new Kim Petras EP (Turn Off The Light Vol. 1). (Although Dua Lipa released a new deluxe version of her album last week. And then there was the Major Lazer greatest hits album, which is a phrase I never thought would exist but there you go. And I manage to fit some BTS in there as well.)

    (If you guys are wondering: I’m a little scared and embarrassed by my Spotify recommendation myself! It’s like, “oh my God this is trashy but also I would totally listen to this.” Yes, I get a significant number of tracks from Drag Race alums.)

    I might have mentioned this, but sometimes I’ll pace myself according to tracks! So usually I’ll put on a playlist and just go – I’ll know that at 20 minutes, I should be at the end of X track if I start at Y. Usually, I’ll only do this in parks, for safety reasons.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Believe it or not, I don’t run with music! I ran briefly with an MP3 player years ago, and almost ran directly into a car. That was it for me! At big races I’ll either take an old iPod or just listen to music on my phone till the race starts, but then nothing. My knowledge of music basically ends around 1998, so I can’t really help with pop music. Before my race last week, I was playing David Bowie.

      As a writer, on my long runs, a lot of times I use the hours of quiet running to organize my thoughts. I tend to pick routes that have great scenery so I don’t need music as much.

      I’m excited for you (and all the NYC Marathon runners) that there’s only eight days to go. I hope you are tapering!

      1. LGC*

        Not gonna lie, I’ve had a few mishaps myself. (The worst was about five years ago when I ran headlong into a street sign because I was looking at my phone trying to sync something.) Honestly, though, I almost find myself more focused, since I have something to focus on (otherwise, I find my mind goes all over the place!).

        And thanks – I’m in the middle of the taper right now. Oddly, I’m not that jittery, probably because it’s not my first one (like, the week before my first marathon I was like, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T DO A 16 MILER THE WEEK BEFORE THIS IS AN OUTRAGE AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF”).

        (And also, I forgot to wish whoever is doing MCM tomorrow the best of luck! One of my teammates is running that – and before NYC came up, that was one of the races I was considering! The other was actually Philadelphia.)

        1. runner*

          Not sure if you’re comfortable sharing your number then we can track you! I have out of town guests next week so I’m not sure about my spectating but I so try to show up for a bit.

          I usually run without music, I will have music if I’m having a particularly bad day.

    2. runner girl*

      I don’t run with music. I’ve tried it and it really doesn’t work for me. I’m bit hard of hearing and don’t care for anything that’s going to get in the way of my situational awareness when I’m already at a bit of a disadvantage in that department.

      I also just finished a race where I had to get multiple peoples’ attention to get over when emergency vehicles were coming through because they had their tunes up so loud they had no idea something was behind them. I’m feeling a tad curmudgeonly about runners who have music and earbuds in during races. So yeah, if you’re going to use them, enjoy whatever music you happen to like, but don’t turn it up so loud that you’ve got no idea what’s going on around you!

      1. LGC*

        Totally agreed – I actually don’t wear headphones at all when I race partly for that reason! (Also, I’d rather not have my phone dangling off my arm while I’m racing.)

        Actually, if I’m running with anyone else in general I leave my headphones at the start.

    3. ScotKat*

      Good luck for NYC! I felt I was doing well entering a 5k, haha!

      Whether I listen to music or not depends on my mood. Usually I like to be alone with my thoughts because it’s good for clearing my head, but if I’m doing a slightly more boring usual route I will take some music along because it makes me go a bit faster and keeps me entertained. I tend to opt for chart dance music (or remixes of such) or maybe some poppy-type drum & bass (nothing hardcore) OR something more hip-hoppy. Has to have a great beat and make me feel badass!

      1. LGC*

        *casually adds link to username*

        (To be honest: while I run marathons, I’m actually just as good, if not better, at 5ks – and to be honest, I just really like the distance. At least 30% of my nascent marathoning career is peer pressure. Another 30% is that I heard you needed to qualify to get into Boston and I’ve never met a challenge I didn’t like.)

        I’m also a bit of a remix addict myself.

        1. ScotKat*

          I ran a 10k in May, the first one I’ve done, and it was hard but I enjoyed it. I think 10k is a great distance for me. It’s still a challenge, so I’ve lots of scope to improve, but it’s do-able, unlike anything half-marathon-y or beyond. I have loads of admiration for anyone running those distances! How do you even start to prepare for that?

          Perhaps one day I will enter one, in a moment of madness… but I’d have to build up a lot more distance and stamina. I really want to try to run longer, but I get quite tired.

          1. LGC*

            So, like…honestly, this is going to sound completely insane, but it’s not significantly more difficult, especially up to half marathon distance. (At marathon distance, energy consumption becomes a huge factor – this is “the wall” you might have heard about!) Probably the first thing is lead time – from what I’ve seen, it’s roughly 2-4 months to get ready for a half marathon and 3-6 months to get ready for a full marathon.

            The two fundamental things you’re focusing on are endurance and pacing. A huge part of why the training cycles I gave were so long is because if you’re new to it, you need to build up endurance – and the best way to do that is gradually. So you don’t just go from running a 10k to 20 milers – you add on small chunks of distance until you get to that point. And pacing is…this sounds obvious when I write it out, but it’s really hard to remember in the moment – you have to slow down to get through the longer distances!

            (As usual I’m speaking in really broad strokes because I don’t want to say that you should do X or Y training thing, or that you have to do X or Y to be successful. Or you have to run 50+ miles per week, because you don’t – a lot of marathoners peak at 35 per week! I’m trying new things – I tried to push mileage this cycle, and given my life priorities that doesn’t work that well for me, so I might run less but more intensely for my next marathon.)

            As an aside, for whatever reason I cannot figure out what correct pacing is for a 10k. Granted, I don’t run those that often, but it’s like…I intellectually know what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I get to the starting line and things go sideways.

            1. ScotKat*

              It sounds… slightly insane? Haha! But only because to me 13 miles sounds a lot more than 6-and-a-bit. I know technically it’s do-able but I’d like to be able to do it without being completely wrecked at the end. Of course it’ll always be a challenge, but there’s a challenge and then there’s feeling like you might die by the end. Of course, the 10k I did was the Edinburgh 10k, which involved a ridiculous amount of hill running, but fortunately I usually include hills when I’m out running (hazards of living in Scotland, there are often a few hilly bits!). I don’t even know if I do pacing correctly. I just go with what feels good although it’s not very speedy. I could improve on that if I knew how. I guess I need to start doing some interval training or something? And then gradually tack on some more miles. Of course it’s winter now so my excitement about going outside is a bit lower… My 5k in a couple of weeks will be a last race for the year, a night-time one, with glow sticks and lights!

    4. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      I listen to music when I do training runs or short races where music is allowed. It’s usually upbeat instrumental music – enough to keep a steady pace, but not loud or crazy to the point where it becomes a distraction.

      For long races, I don’t listen to music. I had to get used to that when I was training for my first marathon, but I find that I can just as easily get into the zone with or without music now.

    5. Searching*

      I have an extensive and extremely eclectic music collection on my phone. I run with music but use an app that only plays the songs in my collection with a specified BPM – I use 180 +/- 3. During my races, I only wear 1 earbud. Often during races, I don’t even hear the specific songs as much as the beat that I try to match with my run cadence.

      I just finished a half marathon last weekend and was very happy with the race. The scenery was gorgeous (yes, I stopped and took pictures!) and unlike the last time I ran this one, I wasn’t injured this time and was really able to enjoy the whole experience and sprint rather than limp across the finish line.

      Good luck in your NYC marathon!

    6. Bulbasaur*

      No music for me. Part of the running experience for me is getting out into the environment – the weather, temperature, sights, sounds, all the other people, etc. Music would interfere with that, so I don’t do it. I would also be concerned about attention as I’m not the most observant to begin with.

      My mind does race on occasion, but usually once I’m in the groove, the rhythm and physical activity tends to put me into a kind of semi-meditative, half asleep state. My thoughts will go into little loop patterns and repeat over and over, which sounds boring, but I’m not usually conscious of boredom at the time, or even particularly of time passing. I generally find it quite refreshing afterward.

    7. CheeryO*

      I used to religiously listen to music (a wonderfully terrible mix of showtunes, pop, and electronic-type stuff) or podcasts or audiobooks, but my iPhone decided to stop recognizing all headphones a couple months ago, and I’m too cheap to get good wireless headphones, so I’ve been going without. It’s actually been kind of nice – I’ve noticed all kinds of weird stuff that I would have missed had I been listening to music, and my runs actually seem to go by faster when I’m focused and not dissociating.

      Also – full-on taper madness over here. I’ve been alternating between convincing myself that I’m sick and convincing myself that I’m injured. Race day can’t get here soon enough!

    8. LazyNick*

      I don’t run races, but for everyday running I quite like audio books.
      I like that as it’s something interesting to concentrate on that will still let me hear traffic and be aware of my surroundings.

  49. annakarina1*

    I’m very sorry for the loss of Sam, Allison. That is a beautiful portrait of him that you posted.

    I’m taking a break from online dating. I’ve felt pretty tired of it, and feel frustrated that I don’t feel any attraction or interest in anyone I’ve gone out with. I’ve gone out with 8-10 guys this year, mostly first dates, with two dates with one guy and three with another. I’ve tried going outside my type, or for my type, getting to know different kinds of guys, and despite pleasant conversation, just feeling indifferent to them. I want to feel interested in someone, and I hate that I don’t feel any attraction or feelings for anyone I’ve dated.

    I still have my FWB relationship, which has gone on for years, but it can feel as if it doesn’t count as much because it’s not a boyfriend. He does adore me and think I’m awesome, and I like him a lot too, but we have different relationship values that wouldn’t work as a couple.

    And I hate that I have had this crush on a guy I know through my industry who I encounter occasionally, because I both don’t want to date anyone associated with my work, and that I don’t think we are each other’s types and wouldn’t work. He’s very nice and friendly to me, approaching me to talk, and I’m happy when I talk to him, but I later have to tell myself that it’s just politeness and not to get excited. I just want to feel that attraction towards guys I actually date instead.

    So I’ll just take a break for a couple of months or so, just not into online dating and feeling bored or going through the motions.

    1. ScotKat*

      Sounds a great idea. I often take breaks, too. It focuses my attention back on me, and lets me get on with actual life stuff. And it’s more fun when you start it up again. I feel when it starts to feel like a chore, that’s time to pause!

      1. Little bean*

        Agreed that it sounds like time for a break! Or if you’ve been using mostly one app/site, maybe try something different? I was ready to take an online dating break, then a friend convinced me to try okcupid, when I’d previously been wary of free sites, and met my now fiance the first day.

        1. annakarina1*

          I had used two apps, and had about the same rate on it. I had a lot of luck on OKC when I was younger, meeting a boyfriend and friends on it, but haven’t had as much luck lately. I’m on Bumble, and went out with some guys, having multiple dates with guys who had weird movie tastes like I do, but I could only see them as movie buddy friends, nothing really more than that. I’m just feeling bored with it, and a lot of the faces just run together to me, so I’ll take a break and come back when I’m ready.

    2. Met my person on Match.com*

      Online dating can sometimes just be a numbers game. 8-10 people in 10 months really isn’t very many. Most people I know who found someone treated it like a second job for a few months, stoped for a few months, then tried again, etc. That prevents burn out and ensures you’ve been super open. It sounds like you’re open to meeting all different types of people, so I bet after you take a little break, you’ll be able to come back and find more like 8-10 people a month. Good luck!

      1. annakarina1*

        Thanks! 8-10 guys feels like a lot to me, especially since I really don’t get attracted to most guys. I went out with about three-four guys early this year, felt tired of it, took a break for a few months, started up again in the spring/summer where I went out with more guys, and had my latest date about two weeks ago, with a guy I saw three times before realizing we were more movie buddies than anything more. Most guys I met from online, though I happened to have a mutual friend with one, and one guy I met through my roommate. I’ll try again when I feel ready, I’ve just felt bored with it lately.

  50. Detective Amy Santiago*

    I hope this isn’t too political.

    There was a mass shooting at a synagogue in my city this morning. I am sick about it.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        There was a bris happening, but Saturday morning is when Jewish people worship and that particular synagogue is home to three congregations.

        1. Book Lover*

          Yes, I am Jewish. Sorry, that came out badly. I just mean that I know when services are held. We will be at services again tomorrow to pray.

      2. Nita*

        OMG. Double OMG. For those who don’t know, a bris is a ceremony that involves welcoming a baby to the community. There were probably quite a few families with young kids present.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I got an alert on my phone because my company owns facilities in that area. I just… can’t.

    9. ThatGirl*

      It’s so sad and awful. Thinking of your city. It’s not political to be against hate and racism.

    10. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Sickening. The news gets worse and worse every day. The worst part is feeling completely powerless to do anything.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        It really does make you feel hopeless.

        Like, I know there are good people out there (like the majority of commenters here), but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like there are enough of us.

    11. Brisque*

      I heard. Terrible. It’s terrorism and I think I don’t think this is political at all. It is sickening. I’m hoping for some change come Nov. 6

    12. How on earth have we reached this point again?*

      I am more angry than sad, to be honest. A lot of both though.

      My kid goes to a Jewish day school in Europe. The security situation here for Jews is so bad now that she has three sets of armed guards at the school, plus air lock doors, plus fingerprints required to get in.

      I can’t wrap my head around the fact that we’ve reached a point where this is necessary (sadly, in our city it is) and it enrages me that my kid thinks walking past armed guards and saying Hi to them every morning is normal.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        That is awful :(

        What really gets me is that the most violent anti-semetic rhetoric frequently comes from people who call themselves Christians. Who apparently conveniently forget that Jesus was Jewish.

        1. Kuododi*

          I do sincerely apologise on behalf of believers in the Christian faith because of all who have brought pain instead of kindness. Please know the people who are pontificating in the news do not speak for me or all Christian believers. The ones who made the news did so because it makes good press to publish the loud, rude, bigoted voices. At this point I wish I could tell you an answer for what is going on these days….all I can do is my small part to contribute positively where I am located in my little corner of the world. Hope this came out clearly, insomnia is kicking my tail tonight. Take care of yourself.
          You are in my heart.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I spent most of the morning crying, which is not like me, because it just hit so close to home for me. Also more out of anger than sadness, though with a lot of fear. I’m Jewish in a purple state. I go to synagogue not as often as I should but often enough. And it is this, this heightened level of security, that breaks my heart. Where are the lines between keeping our doors welcoming and open and keeping the danger outside? We do what we have to do to keep ourselves safe– as your child’s school is doing– and I hate that we have to do it because it keeps us isolated and “other”.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I tried to go donate blood but they were already so crowded that they weren’t sure if they would have enough supplies so I have an appointment to go on Tuesday.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Thank you for doing that. I live out west now, but I am from PA and went to Pitt (main campus), so I’m really sad and angry about the whole thing.

    14. Kuododi*

      I’m on the other side of the US and I read the news this morning. My heart grieves for all involved.

    15. The Cosmic Avenger*

      A friend just pointed out that the shooter ranted a lot about HIAS; I won’t address the political aspect of it, but one thing we could do after the fact to respond to the hate is support them, so I just donated and shared my friend’s post about it.

    17. OyHiOh*

      This one hit me hard when I read about it yesterday. I’m peevishly annoyed that my local chabad house is hosting a prayer vigil today (Sunday). For those who don’t know Jewish denominations, Chabad is very nearly the political and religious opposite of Reform . . . . . . and yet none of the Reform communities in my area are doing anything today so I’m just glad someone is hosting a gathering. And also, after years of talking about it, my own tiny Reform congregation is finally looking for someone who will provide regular security at service times. My spouse will probably end up being that person. And probably nothing will ever happen because we’re such a small community that people have often learned where I go to services and said “there are **Jews** in X town?!?!” but you never know. I’m nursing a lot of feelings on the subject today . . . . .

    18. Woodswoman*

      Tragic news. My heart goes out to all who lost loved ones and everyone involved with the synagogue. As a Jew and a human who cares about my fellow humans, I’m attending an interfaith vigil on the West Coast tonight. And reaffirming my commitment to my involvement in my community to help build a better world.

    19. Not A Manager*

      I’m so distressed at where our world seems to be heading. The only thing that gives me hope is remembering Fred Rogers’ advice to “look for the helpers.” Thank you for donating blood; thank you to the people who donated to HAIS; thank you to the Muslim community that raised $25,000 in less than six hours and then kept going.

      These are dark times.

  51. Anon Accountant*

    I need help in dressing more attractively. My typical going somewhere with friends or weekend outfit is jeans, tennis shoes and a long sleeved shirt. It’s not “sexy” for going somewhere with friends (sports bar, out to dinner, etc). Didn’t know how else to word it. Thank you in advance.

    Also I’m 35 and overweight but am losing weight via WW.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I went through this predicament a couple of years ago. A nice pair of flats or boots and a necklace or earrings can really upgrade and outfit without having to change the core of your outfit. Also, the type of jeans can make a difference – a darker wash and a good fit can do wonders (I typically bought a size larger than I really needed because jeans tend to stretch and so what fit fine in the store would be loose after wearing for a couple of hours). T-shirts (plain or printed, like with sports teams or sayings) generally look pretty casual, so if that’s what you are wearing, maybe try more structured button up shirts or shirts that are a step up from T-shirts (that’s not very specific, sorry!). Is there a store that you like where you could ask a salesperson for help? Or, look at clothes on line to see how the outfits are put together, for inspiration?

      It’s hard when you are losing weight, because who wants to spend a lot of money on clothes when your weight is in flux? But, maybe just buy a few things to wear in the interim.

    2. Jessen*

      There’s t-shirts and there’s t-shirts. I’ve had good luck with either plain or lightly patterned, fitted t-shirts. Then throw on a scarf or a larger necklace, or a nice blazer or cardigan if it’s cooler. Swap tennis shoes for oxfords or boots or flats or something nice. A very light bit of makeup helps too – I keep some of the burt’s bees tinted lip balm in my purse and find it’s good for looking like I put in a bit of effort without a lot of makeup.

    3. Madge*

      Try sites that use capsule wardrobes like Wardrobe Oxygen or Get Your Pretty On (GYPO). They can help you find pieces that will expand your wardrobe and coordinate with what you already have. There are also capsule wardrobe services like what GYPO offers that provides you with the capsule list, recommended pieces and a list of outfits. You can also use Pinterest for outfit ideas and to get a sense of your style. And you might feel more comfortable making small changes: dressier jeans, more fitted tees with embellishments, a pair of booties, jewelry and make-up.

      1. TheTallestOneEver*

        In addition to Pinterest, I’d recommend plus sized bloggers like Girl With Curves for outfit ideas.

    4. Drop Bear*

      My style is different from yours (I’m either corporate or hippy!) but both my daughters rock the jeans and shirts look using scarves, having a few jazzier looking tennis type shoes (different colours or decorated), and a few colourful bracelets/bangles. Scarves seem to be the real ‘magic bullet’ for them! Both are younger than you but not by much.

    5. Quandong*

      I usually wear jeans and T shirt when not at work, and my body size fluctuates a fair bit.

      Check out the plus-size range at ASOS. The variety of looks is excellent, the range is great, and there are often a lot of clothes on sale if you’re nervous about trying a new style. I’ve loved some clothes from ASOS that I would never have thought to try on had I not seen them modelled by people who look like me.

    6. Bobstinacy*

      Years ago I switched to wearing almost exclusively dresses, so now my morning routine for dressing is: put on dress, tights/pantyhose, and flats or boots. People compliment me on my ‘fashion’ but really I have no idea what I’m doing and it’s easier than jeans/tshirt.

      Another plus is dresses are a bit more forgiving on weight loss and gain

      1. Anononon*

        I did the same thing about 2 years ago and my wardrobe is almost exclusively black dresses. And it was purely out of laziness that I made the switch – dresses super easy and if I only buy black I don’t have to worry if I like a color on me or not. Plus I always (apparently) look super fancy so…

    7. LAMM*

      I have not yet found an outfit that wasn’t dressed up by a pair of leather-like boots (besides like sweats). Heels, no heels, doesn’t matter. Tuck some jeans into a pair of boots (and maybe a scarf over your plain tee) and it’ll look like you put wayyyyy more thought into your outfit than you actually did.

      My friends make fun of me for always being dressed up because my default outfit is a black dress and (except for in the summer) black boots. What they don’t realize is it’s because I’m super lazy. Dress = a complete outfit in one piece of clothing. Black goes with everything. And if I always wear the same pair of boots, I don’t have to put any thought into that either.

    8. A Practical Unfashionable Manager*

      I love Putting Me Together for advice on fashion. She covers stuff like making a “regular” outfit more stylish with before and after pictures, mixing different pieces together to make new looks, and different ways to style a piece so you get more options. Her individual style is very approachable, which I appreciate as someone who thinks “street style” looks like discarded clothing selected by a hobo at random.

    9. NicoleK*

      Jewelry, tops in dressier fabric (chiffon, satin, silk, and etc), tops in brighter colors (metallic, jewel tone, or black), black pants or jeans in a dark wash, casual black shoes (a heel is not necessary), and make up (if you own make up and it makes you feel more attractive)

    10. SansaStark*

      I’ve had really good luck with WW in the past, so I hope it works well for you!

      I hated spending a bunch of money on clothes when I was losing weight but I also hate wearing my old ones when they get too baggy. What I ended up doing was buying a couple of “basics” like black pants, black jeans, and maybe a cheap pair of regular jeans. I bought a couple of tops that I liked and basically just kinda mixed and matched until I lost enough where I needed a new wardrobe. I also felt like I could wear tops throughout the weight shifting longer than I could with pants, but ymmv.

      As for “dressing up” a little more, I agree with others’ suggestions of punching up the details a little with accessories. A cute pair of jeans with a long-sleeved black tshirt can look like an “outfit” with a great necklace and cute pair of shoes (also, bonus, shoe size doesn’t change as you lose weight, so they’ll ALWAYS fit!)

    11. Anon Accountant*

      Thank you all for your help! I’ve been in a clothes frump and want to look better. Now I’m excited and looking forward to some wardrobe changes.

  52. Anon for this*

    I’m a frequent reader, intermittent poster. I am genuinely looking for input. I’m sorry if I unwittingly upset anyone with clumsiness of language etc.
    I have a seventeen year old daughter, Sally, who has liked boys all her life. Recently, she has started a relationship with a trans woman, Annie who is nineteen. Annie seems thoughtful, polite and competent. She lives with her family and works in food service.
    My question /concern is that she appears obviously masculine – beard, muscles, chest hair etc. I have no problem accepting her , using preferred pronoun etc. I would be grateful to hear from parents whose teenage kids have had trans partners, parents of trans kids and anyone else who give insight. I’m not in the United States so am unable to engage in the conversation in a contemporaneous manner.

    1. fposte*

      It sounds like you’re in a good place, actually; you like Annie reasonably well and you’re cool with her pronoun preference. Is there something beyond that that you’re hoping to resolve? I think most of the likely problems you’re considering beyond that aren’t yours to resolve–if it’s whether Sally is into Annie because of her masculine appearance, that’s Sally and Annie’s question to surmount, and if it’s that people are surprised at Annie’s appearance when you introduce her, that’s kind of on them to negotiate.

        1. fposte*

          Sometimes one of the hardest things, especially as a parent, is to realize when you should stop helping :-). It sounds like you’re doing great.

          1. Anon for this*

            Thanks. I have stepped back and my daughter told me I am very respectful so I will keep doing that.

    2. Alex*

      Well, I am not a parent. But, I do know that sexuality is not always a perfectly explainable and definable thing, nor is it necessarily a static thing. And trans people don’t just date other trans people.

      I assume that Sally finds Annie attractive, and Annie finds Sally attractive. Maybe Sally finds other trans women attractive, maybe she doesn’t. Maybe Annie will go through some more changes as she gets older (or maybe not!) and Sally won’t find her as attractive then, or maybe she will. But really, that’s the case for EVERY young relationship.

      Without knowing exactly what your question or concern really is, I’ll just say that as long as they are treating each other with respect, that’s a pretty successful relationship, especially for teens!

      1. Anon for this*

        Thank you for your reply. I’m not sure that I even have concerns. It’s all new for me.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Condolences on your loss as well. Thaddeus was a beautiful cat. I hope that in time your good memories of him will bring you peace.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m sorry for yours as well! I thought of you last weekend, knowing you were going through the same thing, and on Monday, when I knew you had your appointment. I like the idea of them sharing a patch of sun.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m so sorry! I’m dreading the day I have to say goodbye to my little baby.

      Your cat looks so warm and happy in that photo :)

      And I’m certain that all pets get into heaven. I’m pretty sure there’s one just for them where they get to run and chase and sleep in the sun – or at least I definitely hope there is.

      Much love.

    6. anonagain*

      “Maybe he and Thaddeus have met in the Summerlands and are sharing a patch of sun.”

      This is a lovely image.

      I’m sorry for the passing of both of these lovely cats. I am also so glad that they had people who loved and cared for them.

    8. frystavirki*

      What a handsome boy he was. I’m sorry for your loss. I think he and Sam will have some fine company up there — I know my aunt’s kitten-sized loud-as-heck cat, Mitty, who passed five years ago at the age of 21 or so, will know where all the comfiest spots are, and probably where someone keeps the snacks. My favorite memory of her was the time we were at my aunt’s having dinner. We all heard a loud crash from the other side of the house and went to investigate — when we came back to the dining room, a large majority of our teriyaki chicken skewers had wandered off the table to the next room where Mitty was working through the pile. I’m pretty sure she staged a distraction. What’s your favorite memory of Thaddeus? (Alison, do you have a favorite Sam memory?)

  54. I am still Furious!!*

    Divorce update, and again, no updates!

    Since it’s been pouring all day, and I don’t want to slog around outside in the mud and rain, I’ve spent today sleeping in and sorting through things here in my room and in the house in general. Some of it hasn’t been gone through or touched in over a year. I posted some sheet sets for sale on the local sell and swap. I got out my Kindle Fire and Galaxy tablets – going to charge them, connect to WiFi and do downloads, it’s been a long time and it needs to be done, I’ve just been putting it off. I “redded up” as we say here in Central PA and need to vacuum. Going to watch Penn State on TV later and I feel bad for the people at the stadium today. Glad I’m inside where it’s warm and dry! I found a recipe for Parmesan roasted cauliflower so I think I’ll make that today, too.

    As I’m going through clothes and just stuff, I realized I’m missing a tee shirt, and I know it will turn up but it bothers me that I can’t put my hands on it. It’s not a huge deal but for some reason it’s really bugging me today.

    Last week I had the mail issue. I solved it by texting STBEXH, telling him I have mail (2 bill collectors, 1 attorney, 1 utility company item), and that he could pick it up on his way by my office parking lot. I left it in my car. I told him that was it – everything else that arrives, from now on, will be marked “return to sender, no longer at this address”. He said he would take care of it. When I left work the next day, the mail was gone from my car seat and I haven’t heard from him since. Bank account, finally resolved.

    So now I’m down to 4 days, and on the 5th day, paperwork goes to the courthouse. My coworkers mentioned having a “divorce party” for me, but I said no – I feel like this is a failure in my life, and even though it’s not totally my fault, it still feels that way and it’s really nothing to celebrate. I had initially felt that way a year or so ago, but I don’t any longer. I looked through wedding photos, and decided to keep only the ones that have my relatives in them. My wedding dress is going to a thrift store. I tried it on, and somehow I could still zip it. I don’t even know why I did it. I didn’t even feel anything.

    So, next week when I post, I’ll be anxiously awaiting my paperwork from the courthouse! Once I get it, my HR person said she would adjust my health insurance deductions, and I might not get a refund from my Nov 1 paycheck, but she’s going to see if it’s possible to get at least part of it back. By Nov 15 I’ll know what my new take home pay will be.

    There is one other thing on my plate – my name. I’m on the fence as to change my name back to my maiden name or just leave it alone. I really don’t want to be associated any longer with my STBEXH or his family, but if I change it back, there is a metric crap ton of paperwork, hassle, social security office (AGAIN), driver’s license, proving name change to my credit cards, etc. If anyone else has done this, can you fill me in on what you experienced?

    Thanks again everyone for listening to my ramblings over the past year and your kind comments. I cannot tell you how very much it means to me.

    2. Ender Wiggin*

      Regarding the name you can do it slowly if you want to change it back. Start by using it in unofficial things that dont require paperwork changes like just introducing yourself / telling your friends you’ve changed back.

      Everything else just change as you go. Next time you get your license or passport renewed, do the paperwork then. Next time you open a new bank account, open it in your new name. And so on.

      For work it might be easier to stick with your current name and wait till you change jobs or roles to change to new name.

    3. Red Reader*

      Sooooo I have changed my name … let’s see. Marriage (Maidenson to Marriedson), divorce (back to Maidenson), legal first name change, marriage (Maidenson to O’Lastname), divorce (I kept the O’Lastname, but put Maidenson back in as a second middle name), marriage (O’Lastname to Maidenson-Hyphenate). Six times. And every single time, the hassle was fairly minimal — the worst part was the social security office, and this most recent time I had to do that twice, because the first social security lady changed me from Firstname (Middlename Maidenson) O’Lastname to Firstname (Middlename Maidenson) Hyphenate, still with two middle names, instead of to Firstname Middlename Maidenson-Hyphenate with one middle name and a double-barreled last name. (Also, apostrophes, two middle names, hyphenated last names, these are all things that make computer systems go bonkers. :P ) Otherwise, it’s been painless. (Except that every time I do a name change, I have to bring in my birth certificate and every piece of name change paperwork since then, and the looks I get sometimes when I haul out the pile are comical.) In my state, you have to do the social security office first, then the BMV, and after that it’s just whatever.

      On everything else: I had to show the social security letter and my revised license to my local bank, and I think email a PDF of them to my online bank. My credit cards, I just called them up and changed it over the phone, and I don’t think any of them required proof. Passports are obviously more complicated and I actually haven’t done mine yet because it also needs to be renewed, so expensive :P Changing my TSA PreCheck took a while, but wasn’t actively complicated, I just had to email them a scan of the paperwork and then wait for them to process it. I don’t remember my utility accounts needing proof, beyond the normal identity verification they always do when I call them about my account.

      I kept my married name after my second divorce, though I still had a name change to go through, because I liked the O’Lastname. Mostly I changed it when I married the third time because I felt weird having one husband’s last name while being married to another guy (though my current husband didn’t care what I wanted to call myself). So I can get behind the easier-to-leave-it — but if you want your own name back, if what you are called is relevant to your identity and how you feel and it’s important to you to cut all ties with him, then personally, I think the hassle is worth the outcome in the end. The next year will pass no matter what. What do you want your name to be at the end of it?

      1. Red Reader*

        Oh, and I meant to mention this: divorce isn’t a failure. It’s rough, and sometimes it’s hard to convince yourself of that, and heaven knows that I’ve beat myself up more than a couple of times for marrying and divorcing the same deadbeat borderline-abuser jerk (not literally the same guy, but same behaviors) twice before my 30th birthday, because really, who does that? Apparently me, that’s who. And would I say that crap about my friend if she had done the same thing? No, no I would not, so why would I say it about myself, because I should be my own best friend. But sometimes, divorce can be your biggest victory. I still wear the ring I got for myself after my second divorce. Steel, for strength. Carved with an anchor, for a symbol of hope and stability. I wore it on my left hand, to symbolize my improving relationship with myself, and on my middle finger, for centering and balance. And you know what? It friggin worked.

        On the one year anniversary of my second divorce, which was also the same week as the anniversary of my first divorce, I got together with a bunch of my dearest friends and went to Vegas to celebrate by not getting married. (I, uh, later went back to Vegas with most of that crowd of people to celebrate a different occasion by marrying one of them.) Weird: I met both my first two husbands in Januaries, started dating them in Aprils, separated from them in Julys and the divorces were final on October 20-somethings, ten years apart. So both my divorces were (Jesus Christ) 18 and 8 years ago this week.

    4. King Friday XIII*

      My spouse lived with her ex’s name instead of changing it in the divorce (tho she changed it when we married) so I think it’s just a matter of how much you dislike it vs your maiden name. You can always live with it for a little while and do the paperwork in a few months if you decide it’s worth it.

      I’m glad you’re so close to closing this door behind you!

    5. bunniferous*

      My daughter goes by her maiden name socially but kept divorce name legally but in her case she has children so that was an issue.

    6. Aphrodite*

      I once change my entire name (first, middle and last) just because I wanted a change after a lot of therapy. I had never liked my birth name but it was a long time and a lot of change before I had this idea.

      It was much easier than I thought. You can do it by using the Nolo Press book on your own as I did. Government agencies are used to name changes; it won’t phase them at all. For others, I had gotten about 15 official copies of the name change from the courts and used those with the banks, investments and anyone else who needed them. Oddly enough, the most difficult by far was my local cable company. Because there is a university in my town, I guess they have problems with students who run up large bills, then would transfer over the account to a roommate’s name and start over. By the time I got there with this request, they were so hardened that even an official document wouldn’t work. They insisted that I pay the final bill, then a new re-connection charge before they’d made the change. It took about six calls to get up to the top manager who, once I explained the situation and asked, as I had before, that they look at my account and see I had never been late, said, “I don’t see what the problem is; I’ll turn you over to my assistant and she’ll take care of it.” And she did.

      But other than that, easy. Just get those official copies and you are set to go.

    7. Dr. Anonymous*

      I changed mine back to my maiden name in Louisiana after my first divorce. The biggest hassle was finding out I had to get the judge to give me PERMISSION to resume the use of my own maiden name before the DMV would change it. Everything after that was pretty easy. They’re hoops and you just jump one after the other until there aren’t anymore. You may want to wait or you may want to do it now while you’re still in the mode of doing stupid paperwork. I am keeping my name after this!

    8. Ali G*

      There are name change services. I used one called HitchSwitch when I got married (not sure if they specifically would assist with other types of name changes). But basically you pay a small fee (about $50), fill out general information, and then they send you all the forms you need to fill out, with the relevant information already filled in, and instructions on the exact order to go about doing it. It was still a pain (which I remind my husband all the time!), but it was helpful to have a step by step guide to get through it.
      Good luck to you – I am so glad you are almost there!

    9. Blue Eagle*

      The finalization of the divorce isn’t a failure, it’s a celebration that you actually had the gumption to get out of it and reclaim your life. Congratulations to you! Your willingness to get out of a negative situation has reaffirmed my faith in my fellow womenkind, that we will not take crap anymore! (Luckily my husband is a peach so this particular crap doesn’t apply to my marriage, but I am heartened by your struggle and your victory!) You go girl!

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        That’s what everyone tells me, my daughter, friends, coworkers, and I’m coming around to it slowly. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, you can’t just have one person doing all the work while the other one just sits there, or worse, actively damages the situation. Thank you for that.

        1. Observer*

          This is exactly it. You did what you needed to. That someone else did not do what they needed to is a failure – but it is not YOUR failure, it’s THEIR failure. That you recognized that and acted on the knowledge is a success.

        2. msroboto*

          You don’t have the celebrate the divorce but I think you should celebrate your freedom. I know with the living situation it might not feel so free but you are free from him and all that brought to your life and you are making huge changes. Try to embrace the good and a little celebration might be good for you.

    10. Anono-me*

      Congratulations on your forward motion!

      I that you might want to try to visualize yourself in two or three years. Is that person Ms. OldLastName, Ms. MarriedLastName, or Ms. BrandNewLastName? If you can visualize who that future person is, you might have a better idea of which way is best for you.

      One thing to consider. It used to be that some states would only allow you to change your name due to divorce, if the name change was specifically spelled out as part of the divorce decree. You may want to check with your lawyer about how things are currently and in your own state.

      1. Not a Mere Device*

        And some states do their best to make it easy to change your name on divorce, so check how it work where you are before you file the paperwork. New York at least used to have space on the paperwork for a new last name, which could be absolutely anything the person getting divorced wanted. Not just, “oh your maiden name was Oldname, check here if you want that back”—if you decided you wanted to take your great-grandmother’s maiden name, you could put that and not have to explain why. It’s also your chance to become Ms. Oakenshield or Pendragon, or be called by the name of your hometown. (I have a relative by marriage who changed her name that way, to something with no connection to her family history.)

        1. Hellanon*

          That’s how the writer Cheryl Strayed got her last name – she chose a new one (Strayed) that had meaning for her after a divorce.

    12. Woodswoman*

      Your divorce is not a failure–it’s strength, courage, and wisdom to remove yourself from an awful relationship and move forward without that anchor. You have so much to be proud of! Once again sending my admiration your way.

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        I feel lighter. I really do. I have gotten rid of so much stuff, physical stuff and emotional stuff over the last year or so. I hope to move forward in some fashion, right now, I’m focusing on getting rid of more stuff (if the rain would EVER STOP THAT WOULD BE GREAT!!), and helping my Mom. For now, that’s enough.

    13. Nana*

      I went back to my maiden name. I wanted to be associated with X in NO way, shape or form (although his name was easier to say and spell). Oddly enough, when I mentioned that to him, in one of our last conversations, he was hurt/offended. Not very Christian of me, but I was just a tiny bit pleased that he saw it as rejection.

      Yes, it was a bit of a hassle. But it’s been years now; and I’ve never regretted doing it.

      Also got free credit report (once a year from each agency; so I could do it quarterly) and it took several years to clarify that NO, I never lived at this, that or the other address and a few other loose ends.

    14. Jane of All Trades*

      I read your updates every week and just wanted to say hi, and that you’ve been inspiring me. You are handling a really shitty situation so well and with so much bravery. I’ve been going through some things that are different, but similar in terms of moving and giving up my home, and reading on how you are doing inspires me and makes me feel a little bit better, so thank you!
      Best wishes for this week!

  55. lemon*

    Has anyone used Havenly or a different online design site? How did it work out? I need some advice for just one room so I don’t really want to hire an expensive designer.

    1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I did, for our living room when we bought our house three years ago.

      It accomplished some of what we wanted and totally failed on other points. The process was super fun and we got the inspiration we wanted (and links to specific items to buy; we only bought a few because we wanted to buy the big pieces in person).

      What it totally did NOT do was help with the layout of the room. The design was laughably bad in the context of our real-live room… like I’m not sure the items they suggested for us (a couch with end tables on both sides, for example) would have physically fit into the space they said it should go in… certainly bot if you wanted to walk past it. That was the main thing we needed help with — our room is a weird shape — so I was really disappointed that we didn’t figure out layout (and still haven’t! We probably need to actually hire a designer at some point, sigh).

      I just saw an ad for a similar service that seems to use 3d renderings of your room – maybe that would work better? (Or maybe Havenly does that now?)

  56. Applesauced*

    My dog (3 year old dachshund mix) has had his tail tucked between his legs for a day or two (we noticed it maybe Friday, but yesterday and today for sure).

    He’s moving a bit slower than usual, and his tail is down, and he won’t let us touch it/yelps if we do, but otherwise seems ok – still eating and cuddling, and perking up when we come in the room.

    A phone call with the vet (and some Googling) makes me thing his tail is bruised or sprained- has anyone else seen this in their dogs?

    1. Rosa*

      Is he a waggy dog? It sounds like cold tail, which dogs can get from swimming in cold water, or from over exuberant wagging. My happy waggy retriever got it a few times. It’s painful for them but they recover pretty quickly. All good thoughts for your pup.

    3. Kuododi*

      I have two mini doxies. One grandpa age at 12 and the other just getting out of the puppy stage at 1 1/2. My grandpa doxie has arthritis in his back hips and when that is flaring up he will tuck tail and move stiff, not want to be touched for a couple of days. I’ve been giving him glucosamine condroiten to help with pain mgmt. ( according to the vet, OTC people glucosamine is just fine for doggies and cost effective by comparison to the fancy vet formula.). Additionally, it’s really important to manage weight on doxies bc of their long spines and short little legs. (Recipe for disaster, back injury and hip problems.) I don’t know what optimal weight is for standard doxie but a healthy, appropriately fed mini dox should be checking in between 10-11 lbs. Best wishes for you and your little hot dog!!! They are a laugh a minute!!!!

      1. Red Reader*

        I don’t know about doxies – my “little” dog is still almost 50 pounds – but my almost-11 year old bigger dog has arf-ritis and we give her fish oil (just regular OTC fish oil capsules from Costco) and a Vet’s Best hip-and-joint supplement that I get from Amazon. She’s been doing great since we started those two, no major flare-ups and only very minor stiffness when she gets up in the morning on cold days. Before, she’d have to wander around upstairs a while before she felt limber enough to come down the stairs to go outside :(

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Call a veterinary chiropractor if there is one in your area. She may do a house call for a small charge. It could be hips or spine. Anyway, you can ask over the phone if she thinks this is something she can help with. That way you will know before she arrives if this is a worthwhile approach.

      My guy here pulled something one night. By the next morning he could not even walk around. He was five years old at the time so there was no question something was very wrong. The Doc fixed him up in under an hour. He’s a smart boy, so he gestured to me when he needed her help again. (He imitated a movement she used on him.) She did say she would have to come back one more time in a little bit, to check how things had settled. So I called her when he made that gesture. She came again and he has been really good since. It’s been four years.

    5. KR*

      My friends golden retriever had this! It can definitely happen and can be treated – he’s back to his waggy self now.

    6. Trouble*

      Take your dog to the vet. He is yelping in pain if you touch him certain ways. He’s a mix of a breed known for spinal issues. He needs to see a vet. ASAP. Google can’t touch your dog and determine if the pain is just his tail or starting in his low spine. I say this as someone paying the bills for a cat who’s just had ultrasound and a urine sample drawn directly from his bladder through his tummy plus a full blood work up just to find out a 7kg Norwegian Forrest cat drinks a lot and pees a lot and he’s perfectly fine. His breed is known for kidney issues so he went straight to the vet and was fully checked over so we know his huge pees are just huge pees.

  57. Sandra Dee*

    So sorry to about Sam.

    I had to say goodbye yesterday to my 14 1/2 year old German Shepherd, Gretel. She was my best friend and constant companion. I am going to miss her terribly, but she had a long a happy life, and outlived her life expectancy by about 3 years. My other 2 dogs have been very subdued, and sticking pretty close to me today.

    Give all of your furry creatures a little extra love today.

    1. fposte*

      Aw, I’m sorry, Sandra Dee. That’s a long period of your life to share with someone who isn’t there any more.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s always too soon, no matter how old our pets are.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Aww so sorry. I had a shepherd mix who went 14 years and two months. He was the dog of my life. I love this dog that I have now, but it’s different. I feel ya.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      Oh no, I’m so sorry.

      That extra time was a blessing but it’s never, ever easy.

      My dad once hit a tiny stray kitten with his car and we had to take her to the vet’s to have her put down. I’d only known her a few minutes and I still bawled my eyes out. Animals have a way of getting into our hearts, particularly those we invite into our family.

    5. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Will do. Am doing, actually. Furry creature of my own is purring on my lap. This little thing is my most precious thing ever. I refuse to imagine.
      I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m so sorry for Alison’s too.

    6. frystavirki*

      I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my childhood dog at around that age in February 2014. You probably won’t ever stop missing her, but it will get easier and less omnipresent, or at least it did for me. The day after she left us I cried because the office door was left open and we hadn’t been able to leave it open in a long time because she was getting more and more incontinent. It was too stark a reminder that she wasn’t there anymore. I still think about her, but it’s because I dream about her a lot — I know she’s gone because I dream relatively lucidly, but I tell her it’s nice to see her anyway. We can joke about her unfortunate tendency to glue herself to my dad’s lower back no matter how hot it was in the room, even though she was a tiny furnace. I know you must have given her the best life possible — it sounds like you loved her a lot. I will give Suki and Luna some cuddles when they wake up, since they don’t sleep with me.

  58. TeacherLady*

    Perhaps not the forum for this, but is anyone here able to share experiences of starting families after 35, or after 40? I never thought I wanted kids, but now I’m starting to think I might, but trying to wrap my head around what that might look like. And whether the lack of sleep is survivable :p

    Also, for those who have been pregnant, or planned later in (reproductive) life pregnancies, how have you made it work with your career? Has anyone set out to achieve certain milestones before trying to conceive? Did it work out?

    1. Cambridge Comma*

      I had one at 37 and one at 38 (deliberately). It’s a very normal age where I live. The woman in the bed next to mine was 44.
      You get used to the sleep deprivation pretty fast. It’s been a few months since I slept more than three hours per night and I feel okish.
      We rather concentrated on financial rather than career goals, thinking that a savings cushion would be the most important thing.

    2. Anon for thjs*

      The only thing is you might want to get assessed for fertility issues ASAP esp if you are over 35.

      I was 34 and my SO was 39 when we started trying and turns out we both have issues and can’t have bio kids. We are doing other things but the risk increases as you get over 35 and may be impossible after 40.

    3. Book Lover*

      With a partner, or without? I had a baby at 38 and I think the only thing that made it harder was having a six year old. I didn’t want him feeling excluded or unloved and I kind of didn’t want his life to change in a negative way because of the baby. Lack of sleep is always hard, and not having a partner meant there was no one to help. I did better at 38 at reaching out for help – family and babysitters and nannies. So in some ways better than when I was a younger mother. And money was never a problem but I still felt more stable later, in terms of spending to make my life easier.

      I was told I was infertile based on labs but had no difficulty getting pregnant, but obviously that can be a concern. And I had blood work to check chromosomes and would have had an abortion if there had been an issue, feeling tha was best for myself and my older child. So I thought all these things through in advance.

      Personally, I wouldn’t delay having a child for career issues, unless you would be ok either not having a child or going down the infertility route if needed (including donor egg). I’m fortunate to be in medicine, I got time off after having the baby and had a good income. I’ve made choices that probably impact my ability to go into leadership, but as I could care less about that, not an issue for me.

      1. Overeducated*

        I would love to hear more about balancing two kids with that age gap, for obvious selfish reasons. How did things go early after #2 came? How has that changed over time?

    4. DLC*

      This is probably not helpful, but trying to foresee what life with kids will be like is, in a way, futile. (For reference, I have two kids (6 and 1.5), and I had my second when I was 38.). Children are unpredictable and varied. My kids slept through the night very early on, so I had maybe three or four months of severe sleep deprivation, and now I get 5-6 hours of sleep a night and that seems normal. You just never know what your kid is going to be like or how much attention they will need.
      I feel like all you can do is think about whether or not you want a tiny human in your life and if you want to raise said tiny human into a responsible adult. Because even though i love my kids and don’t regret having them, there is a lot I don’t love in my life right now (certain lack of freedom, I had to pass up some good career opportunities, constantly feeling stretched too thin financially, the mental challenges of a sassy cranky elementary schooler, etc…). I think that if it feels right to you to have kids, you’ll figure out how to adapt the rest of your life, adjust your expectations, or just throw money at the things that come up so you can carry on like you did before kids.

    5. LibbyG*

      I had my first baby at 38 and my second at 41; I’m now 45. There’s a lot to be said for starting parenting on the older side. I’m a lot more patient than 28-year-old me would have been. I would have had kids earlier but for partner and infertility issues, but I’m happy with how it’s worked out.

      There’s never a great time career-wise to complicate your life by becoming a parent. If you want to, I say go for it!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I am an older mom–finally had my child at 40. My mom was at least 40 (she fudged her age lol). And HER mom was older for the time–34 in 1922.
      Having help is key. We lucked into a great home babysitter to take care of our child with hers until she was old enough for a local daycare.
      Having some flexibility to your schedule helps– we used at least a week of our vacation days each year for appointments, childhood bugs, etc. And that was WITH telecommute & flextime.
      If you’re not a single parent, I’d suggest having a mattress or cot in a distant area of your home so if child isn’t sleeping, one parent can get some rest.
      When child’s in daycare, if you think they’re getting sick too much it COULD be the daycare. Many people told me wed all get every bug that goes around for 3 years…for us it was until we took our child out of our beloved all-ages daycare at end of 5th grade. And it magically stopped. The older kids shared toys & rooms with the toddlers and I guess in between just wasn’t cleaned enough…which was too bad because socially it was excellent. My kid’s better with babies & toddlers than I was as an adult!
      And from someone else’s experience, dont get a puppy when you’re pregnant or baby’s new…either infant requires your time&energy. (That’s how I got my childhood adopted pup.)

    7. Aloha Oe*

      I have a friend whose wife medically could not handle the lack of sleep (medical condition that preexisted) and how they handle it is that he’s the one who gets up at night with the baby and she is the one who sleeps at night. Not sure of your level of wealth but if it’s high enough you could hire a night nurse or something, even. What I’m saying is that there’s options for the lack of sleep.

    8. Ender Wiggin*

      I got pregnant 4 times between 33 and 38. Two miscarriages and two living children. Miscarriage risk is definitely higher than for younger mothers. The sleep deprivation varies with the child. My eldest was a textbook baby. We did the contented little baby routine and by 6 months was sleeping through for 12 hours a night. My youngest was low birth weight and had reflux so needed to be fed every 2 hours and held upright for half an hour after feeding for 2 months, then it went down to every 3 hours at night. That was the hardest time.

      Now they are 3 and 4 and it is getting steadily easier month on month.

      I took a career break for 2.5 years and then got a more family friendly job at slightly lower pay when I went back. Im working my way up in the new place and earning more now than I was before I took time off.

  59. Jessen*

    The quest for a machine wash and dry wardrobe is going pretty well. I got a couple of filmy things that can be layered over basic long-sleeved black tops. Couple of cotton sweaters too, and it looks like a lot of the polyester/acrylic stuff can go in the dryer even if it says it can’t. Proceeding apace! I’m really making my year’s project making a life that works for me and not how things are “supposed” to work.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I find that many things that say dry clean only can actually be washed and dried (carefully). The delicate cycle and low heat for drying are your friend! There’s a nice summary on what can be washed and dried in this article: https://www.nytimes.com/guides/smarterliving/how-to-do-laundry?rref=collection%2Fbyline%2Fjolie-kerr&action=click&contentCollection=undefined&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=9&pgtype=collection&redirect=true

      And Marth Stewart’s website has good tips too.

      1. Jessen*

        Yeah, my battle has been to eliminate all the line dry or lay flat to dry tops. It’s fine enough if you have a house with a laundry room and good ventilation, but not so good when you’re schlepping a pile of wet sweaters home from the laundromat and finding a corner of your room to dry them in.

  61. bunniferous*

    Well, I meet my half sister for the first time tomorrow. Thought I was an only child all my life but I found out about a month and a half ago the dad on my birth certificate is not my bio dad. (Thank you ancestry DNA, LOL….) I have four half siblings now. Bio dad is deceased, but the new siblings are welcoming me with open arms.

    Mom is in total denial (in her defense, without sharing TMI this was not a case of adultery and I will leave it at that.) Dad I grew up with does not know and I will not tell him.

    So, babies, think before you take that DNA test….you do not know what you will find out. I never would have guessed.

    2. Turtlewings*

      That’s exciting, I’m glad your siblings are being so welcoming! I hope you’re able to all be friends. Good luck with everything.

      I’ve never done the Ancestry thing, I wouldn’t be totally shocked to find out I had more siblings via my dad out there somewhere; he was a bit of a tomcat as a young man. What I would actually love to know is whether my dad himself is bio related to his parents. His mother had a lot of “feminine” health issues (almost certainly PCOS) and was so small-framed that it’s hard to imagine her surviving childbirth, yet she had two children… who look nothing whatsoever like her or her husband… I always wondered if they adopted. It was the fifties and they weren’t super communicative parents anyway (great in other ways), so I doubt they would have ever told.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m so glad that your new siblings are welcoming you. I grew up with two brothers and I used to wish there was a half-sister out there somewhere waiting for me just so I could balance the odds – of course, I didn’t understand what that would mean if there was but, in my defence, I was about six and just wanted a sister instead of two boys who picked on me.

      I hear that this happens a lot with Ancestry and those DNA tests. I’m curious but I’m also not sure I want to find out.

      Also, and feel free not to answer if this is too personal, but won’t your dad notice when four people who maybe look like you start cropping up in your life?

      1. bunniferous*

        Well, he is 80 years old and he and my mom are not involved that much in my day to day life. Won’t be too hard to hide this particularly since the new siblings live out of state-but yeah, I have no desire to bring this up with him. Folks seem to think he already knows, and that is possible but this is the South, so any thing you do not acknowledge does NOT exist. Lol!

    4. Forking great username*

      I know you said you’re going to leave it at saying this was not a case of adultery, but if that means your mom was sexually assaulted, proceed really carefully here for the sake of your poor mother.

      1. bunniferous*

        Yep, and yep. Before I knew there was an issue of parentage, a cousin match on ancestry dna that I did not recognize reached out to me, I mentioned her last name to my mom, and boy howdy….she had some choice words to say about that particular name.

  62. Où est la bibliothèque?*

    How does Ask Amy still have a column? She printed a response to an earlier column (she prints way too many responses) that says:

    “Boohoo for poor ‘Excluded,’ whose nephew refused to attend a family wedding because it was mixed-faith. If these people want to feel real exclusion, they should try to host a same-sex wedding.”

    Essentially: they don’t deserve sympathy because my experience with bigotry was “worse.”

    WTF? Why would she waste ink to legitimize that attitude?

    1. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Ha I feel the same about Miss Manners. I find her as rude as can be and have often seen her bash millennials so openly and liberally that it’s disturbing. Her responses are also bizarrely wordy and her semantics are hard to understand.

      1. Shell*

        I had wondered if anyone else had noticed the change in Miss Manners! With its new authors, I think it should be renamed “Miss Passive-Aggressive.”

        1. Drop Bear*

          That’s a shame – I don’t read the column but I got her book on raising children (compilation of letters about) as a Secret Santa gift years ago, and it was laugh out loud funny in some places.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Not to mention her complaining that “cocktail” was a made-up dress code and that it should fall under “business attire.” Like, I don’t know where she used to work, but for most of us there’s a difference between a cocktail dress and a business dress.

    2. Drop Bear*

      Even worse was the one where she told a woman who was approached by a stranger (male) at a neighbourhood function who asked her to tell him where she lived, and when she declined the man read her the riot act. Amy’s response had me saying WTAF!! And when called on it by numerous readers, she basically doubled down and said there was never any excuse to not be polite – and declining to give your address to strange men seems to be included in the ‘not polite’ category.

      2. Où est la bibliothèque?*

        Yes, because if you can’t say no to something you’re uncomfortable with nicely, you should just say yes.

        It’s like a really self-conscious but also self-righteous 14-year old was given an advice column.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      I feel like this about Dear Prudence.

      They answered a question that wasn’t asked and when called on it by readers said something along the lines of – the writer was asking the wrong question.

      I was gobsmacked.

      I think we’ve also all been spoilt by Alison.

      1. Où est la bibliothèque?*

        That’s definitely true, she does leave most of them in the dust. I do like Carolyn Hax.

        And I know it’s weird, but I quite like the Care & Feeding parenting column in Slate even though I don’t have kids.

        1. Washi*

          Yes, Care & Feeding is lovely, and I’ve been enjoying Ask A Teacher. Once in a blue moon I’ll read Heather Havrilesky ‘s column for a pep talk, but a lot of her answers start to sound a little bit the same if I read every single week.

        2. fposte*

          I just found Care and Feeding! It’s really enjoyable–funny and blunt. I liked the one where she told the LW that she and her husband were both being wangs :-).

      2. Ann O.*

        Yeah, I’ve been super disappointed in Daniel. I had such high hopes when the hiring was originally announced, but he’s bizarrely judgy and lacking in empathy. I’ve been wondering if he got a talking to after that column, though, because he’s been better recently (but still disappointing as a writer–he doesn’t seem to know how to bring his wit and humor to the Dear Prudence role).

      3. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I was in a round-up with a bunch of other advice columnists recently where we all talked about the weird work of advice-columning (to be published this fall), and one thing he said that I thought made a lot of sense was that he thinks of his perspective as simply one of many — he doesn’t think people writing in think he’s an ideal arbiter or an expert, or that his is the last opinion they’ll seek on the subject; he’s just one perspective. It was a different framework than how I usually think of advice columns, and I liked it.

        I will also say, writing a regular advice column is hard and when you get something wrong, as you inevitably will, there is an audience of thousands to tell you how very wrong you are (and worse). That’s part of the deal, of course, and there are lots of really awesome things about it too (far more than the not-awesome parts), but I am sympathetic :)

        1. Drop Bear*

          I’m OK with them not having the same opinion as me (I’ve come to accept that’s the way the world is!!), and I certainly don’t think it matters one iota if they give ‘bad’ advice about things like thank you notes or what to do if your sister is a bridezilla. What I’m not OK with are responses from newspaper columnists*, that do things like put the onus on the disempowered/vulnerable to take the high road/take responsibility for the actions of others, or give bad advice from a medical or legal point of view (eg; be polite even when people make racist comments to you/make you feel unsafe, don’t get drunk if you’re a woman because if you do and are assaulted it will be your fault, you are unreasonable if you don’t let your unvaccinated relatives pick up your newborn baby because FAMILY etc). Responses to letters about those sorts of issues should be answered carefully and responsibly, or not at all, in my opinion, and both the columnist and the editor bear responsibility for ensuring this happens. Apart from all that, to dig your heels in and refuse to acknowledge you might have been wrong is not a good look on anybody.
          * I’m talking about newspaper columnists because the columnist is actually being paid for the advice – they’re not giving it out of the goodness of their heart as most bloggers are – and because having your advice column printed in a ‘reputable’ newspaper means the credibility of the advice is seen through the lens of that paper’s reputation.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Slate certainly pays their columnists. The only “doing it out of the goodness of their heart” advice giver I know is Captain Awkward, and she’s awesome.

            1. Anon for now*

              I still feel weird about some of Captain Awkward’s advice because while generally I appreciate her approach of empowering people who feel beat-down, I feel like her advice supports the letter-writer regardless of the situation, and could be twisted to fight itself.

              I can picture an argument where person A feels ignored and not listened to, and person B feels like they have no space and are forced to listen to person A talk on and on. Both write in to CA and she tells person A, “you don’t deserve to be ignored!” and person B “you have the right to your own space!” and now Captain Awkward scripts are being used against each other.

          2. all the candycorn*

            I really dislike columnists who pile on an LW for not wanting to take the ideal path, ex: Your grandpa is verbally abusive and the rest of your family talks to your grandpa, ergo you should cut off your entire family.

            Yeah, that’d be the ideal situation, but someone who saw that as the correct solution wouldn’t bother writing to an advice columnist. They want to weigh the pros and cons of different options and pick one that meets their need to avoid grandpa’s antagonism and their need to preserve relationships with other family members who they value or need to monitor, say a parent whose health is failing. People exist in complex social webs, and people who are writing for advice are looking for help navigating that, not to be told to destroy their entire social web on principle.

        2. bunniferous*

          I have to be honest-I think for most types of advice columns it would be helpful to be at least, say, over the age of forty. Life experience does give you a lot more to draw on when faced with this stuff. On the other hand, generational issues of younger people might not be something someone my age would be that great with. Daniel in particular will probably be a lot better at the job a few years from now. I confess my favorite Prudence was the previous one but that is just me. But I hate change when it comes to Dr Who and advice columnists.

        3. Ann O.*

          I don’t like that framework at all because I don’t think it’s true! It also reads as a rationalization for not caring enough to try and do a good job.

          1. Où est la bibliothèque?*

            And there should be some basic ground rules. Ask Amy once printed a response from a reader suggesting Xanax (literally by name.) That should be on a Never Do This list.

  63. ScotKat*

    Sorry that this ventures into the w-word territory, but it isn’t really, and I really need to get some advice. Went out last night with three friends from work. We ended up in a bar and bumped into one of the managers. Our company is small and we have only three managers. I’ve known him for years as he was there when I started years ago, and he’s usually good chat and we get on fine. Obviously he didn’t know he’d see us and when we met him he was very very drunk. He was saying odd things and eventually inappropriate things to me. I was taking it in good part because he’s generally decent and I like him normally and I knew he was wasted. But I was worried he’d say these things to the others with me, who are junior to me as well as him and one of them is his direct report, so I really didn’t want her to have to deal with it and feel awkward, so I kept talking to him to distract him from sitting next to her. He didn’t really know what he was doing but it isn’t an excuse. Anyway he kissed me twice, and I didn’t want him to, but you know when you need to keep the peace and make sure nothing weird happens and you don’t know how they’ll react if you get really angry… I said ‘no, we can’t do that’ and he did it the second time, but not anything else after. He did ask me to ‘go outside’ with him and I was like ‘oh no it’s freezing, so let’s just stay here’. He was genial and just drunk. But today I feel like crap. It isn’t my fault at all but ugh I hate being kissed when I don’t want it. It’s violating.

    I mean… on Monday do I talk to him about it? I am certain he will not remember, but I will, and I think really if he apologised I’d feel better. I kind of want to speak to him privately and clear the air so I get it off my chest and I also think he should know what he did is unacceptable, even if I’m more senior than the others and older and can ‘take it’ (I mean, I can’t, but I felt protective of them). I don’t want to escalate it, but someone else said I should tell my manager what happened and be official about it. I just don’t think that’s a good idea given the circumstances. Does anyone have any advice?

    I’m sorry this is mentioning my workplace but I really can’t sit on this till next week for the Friday open thread and also it’s more just for my own peace of mind… I’d really appreciate any guidance because it’s bothering me.

    1. Alex*

      I think talking to him is a good idea. Does he have is own office? I think I might tap on his door, ask to speak with him, close the door, and say, “I’m not sure if you remember what happened on Friday night, but I do, and I wanted to let you know that I was very uncomfortable with your behavior towards me. I didn’t “make a scene” about it at the time because I didn’t want my discomfort to spread to the others. To be clear, I asked you not to kiss me, but you did anyway. Now that it is Monday, and you’ve sobered up, and I am not in an environment like a bar, where things can easily escalate, I felt like I needed to clear the air.”

      Hopefully you will get an apology. Be prepared for a response to an apology you feel OK with (not “It’s OK” or something that absolves him, for example.) Maybe “Thank you for your apology. I hope we can move forward without awkwardness now.”

      If he starts playing the excuses/blame game “But you didn’t say no strongly enough! But I was drunk! But I thought you were into it!” I think I would just say “This reaction from you really isn’t OK.” and leave.

      I think you’ll feel a lot better if you do that than if you just let it lie and do nothing. It will be super awkward to do, but hopefully will only be a five minute conversation.

      1. ScotKat*

        Thank you for this. It’s pretty much what I was thinking, but wasn’t sure if it was the right idea. Someone else had said to me I had to either do nothing or do it ‘officially’, but I really don’t think that’s the best option here. I don’t have a fear that he’s waiting to do it to anyone else – I know it’s not always easy to tell, but honestly if I did think that in any way, I would tell someone at work properly. I just want him to acknowledge, which I think he will do, he’s normally easy enough to chat to. I think he’s very sad at the moment in his life from what I could tell, and it is in no way an excuse. I just need to tread carefully.

        Your script is super helpful, thank you!

        1. Observer*

          I don’t think it’s an all or nothing situation. But you are making an enormous mistake in thinking that you can gauge whether he’s going to do this again.

          He was drunk. He did something utterly inappropriate when he was drunk. Unless he is in treatment / will go into treatment for his drinking problem (or can just stop drinking), the odds of him doing something like this again are close to 100%

    2. LuckySophia*

      You were trying to use your professional judgment to minimize awkwardness that was happening “on personal time”… but your attempts to shield your co-workers ended up in some unfortunate residual effects for you personally – effects you will still be feeling on Monday.

      Precisely because this did not happen in the workplace or at a work-sponsored event, I would keep any subsequent choices/actions on a personal level. I would not make it official by reporting it to your manager, which I think is only going to immensely escalate the awkwardness – and I assume at this point, you want the awkwardness gone, not enlarged.

      There are three likely paths this could go on Monday and thereafter:

      1. “It never happened.” You don’t mention it, and he won’t remember it…or if he does, he’s too embarrassed to mention it, and he will be scrupulously professional and polite to you for the rest of his working days. (And if you ever encounter him in a bar in the future, that would be a good time to leave and go to a different bar.)

      2. “I owe you an apology.” Perhaps he will remember, either vaguely or precisely, that he was waaaaay out of line, and will proactively approach you to apologize. You can decide at that point whether he seems sufficiently and sincerely ashamed of himself that you can be confident It.Will.Never.Happen.Again.

      3. “You owe me an apology.” If he doesn’t proactively apologize, and you feel he absolutely owes you that (which, yes, he does!) you can speak to him privately and explicitly about the lines he crossed. But there are some long-term repercussions to this approach and you need to figure out how you feel about them.

      If he is the decent guy he has seemed to be all the years you have known him, he will be eager to make amends. (If you are not willing to accept those amends and put this behind you, and file this in “it never happened” territory in the future…then don’t ask for the apology, because it won’t give you any closure)

      If he gets defensive or refuses to apologize/take you seriously….that tells you something about his character that you didn’t know before. I’m guessing it will then be very awkward to see him at work, because you will feel resentment/lack of respect every time you interact with him. (Justifiably so, I might add). And, if he ever again speaks or behaves inappropriately to you, either in work or out of it, then yes, go immediately to your manager.

      Of the above choices, I think #2 would be most positive and satisfying for you, and I hope that’s how it goes!

    3. ..Kat..*

      My problem with this is that you did exactly what women are conditioned to do: don’t make a scene, go along to keep it from getting awkward, be polite, smooth things over. I think we need to stop doing this. Make a scene, let it be awkward. That’s on them, not you. What if instead of sitting down with manager, you had told your coworkers, “he’s drunk, let’s get out of here?” Awkward, sure, but better than you making nice and getting pushed into physical behavior against your will.

      1. Catherine*

        Perhaps you’d like to step back and think about why telling the OP about your objections to her behavior isn’t a kind thing to do right now.

        2. ..Kat..*

          I apologize. I did not mean to sound as if I was objecting to OP’s behavior. She did what she decided was best for her at that time. She is alive and unharmed, so what she did obviously worked.

          What I really meant to say is: I am really tired of men doing this. And getting away with it. I have been putting up with this behavior for decades. Why is it still happening? This behavior from a manager is even worse. I wish we women could and would (without repercussions to us) push back on this behavior. But even more, I wish it was not still happening.

          ScotKat, I am sorry.

      2. ScotKat*

        I imagine I did it because I’m a woman, and that’s what I’m conditioned to do. And you do what is best, or what seems best, at the time. For me, that was trying to make sure things didn’t get out of hand. And I didn’t ‘sit down’ with him. He latched on to us and sat with us. I’m already sitting there, I’m having a drink, I was fine. Why am I the one moving to accommodate him, if we’re talking about conditioning? Another way to look at it.

        I appreciate where you’re coming from, but this sounds a bit to me like a way women are made to feel bad for doing what they felt was the safe and right option at the time. I don’t feel bad for that.

        1. Observer*

          I feel bad that you felt the need to do this. But I *totally* get it. And I also understand why you push back on the notion that you are somehow at fault because HE chose to sit down with you guys.

          This is totally on him. Please don’t let any “feminists” make you feel bad about this.

          I put the word in quotes because I think it’s incredibly sexist to blame women for the behavior of men, and to castigate women for not finding the “perfect” or ideologically pure way to respond to difficult situations caused by men.

    4. valentine*

      On Monday, you report him. I don’t think you can have peace with someone you were so afraid of that being a human shield seemed like the best choice. He’s not a different person when he’s drunk. I hope you can avoid being alone with him.

  64. Undine*

    For all the occasional gymnastics fans: today in world’s qualifications, Simone Biles landed a vault that had never been attempted by a woman before. This means it will be the Biles vault once they formalize the paperwork. Less than a year coming back to training, and she blew the field away. And I was worried that thekidneystone that sent her to the ER was a problem.

    https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DQZGolkd0JGg&ved=2ahUKEwjcmb-zrqfeAhXWGDQIHcM2DxAQtwIwD3oECAMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2tyl89CK4znhLjI0YIisgW

    1. Kathenus*

      She’s just amazing. I got to see the US women’s Olympic trials a couple years back and live she’s just electric.

    2. Mimmy*

      Daaaaang!!

      Kathenus – Awesome that you got to see the US trials! My husband and I went to a gymnastics thing a long time ago – I don’t remember if it was the trials or not, but it was around the time Shawn Johnson was becoming well known.

      1. Rogue*

        Cool. What do you like about it? Anything in particular your delivery driver(s) does or doesn’t do that you appreciate in particular ?

        1. Sami*

          Almost all are good communicators. Clear and concise. They run on time or even early for my deliveries. They follow directions if I’ve left a special note.

    2. Persephone Mulberry*

      I’ve been Shipting since May. I wrote a whole long post about it on an open thread a few weeks back – if you search fot “Shipt” it will probably come up.

      As a shopper, I like the flexibility and that there’s no quotas – they’re not going to disable my account if I decide I don’t want to work in the winter, for example.

      It does take a while to build the experience to feel like you’re really making money. They advertise $22/hr and that is achievable (sort of – you get paid per shop, not per hour) but it won’t be right out of the gate.

  66. KatieKate*

    To whoever recommended the Julie fit pants from Loft yesterday— I just bought two pairs! Thank you!

    1. Jessen*

      You’re welcome (I don’t think I was the only one though). I’m thinking of getting some of their cords for myself, as a compromise for my doesn’t-do-jeans self to have a somewhat casual pant.

  67. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    I’ve just finished Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee and was pleasantly surprised by it. I’m now reading Barracoon: The Story of the Last Slave by Zora Neale Hurston.

    1. HannahS*

      Accidentally posted this below, but I re-read the Veronica Speedwell mysteries by Deanna Raybourn. Victorian lady-detective novels are the only mystery books I read. Good comfort but the romance burns so darn SLOW. I KNOW YOU LOVE EACH OTHER! GAH!

      1. Jen in Oregon*

        I know! It’s even slower than the Julia Grey series! Love her though–actually got to know her a little bit as her publishing career was getting started, and she’s just as lovely and amazing as you would imagine. And wickedly funny!

        1. HannahS*

          Wow, that’s cool! I’m loving this series. I just wish that she wrote at a super human pace so that I wouldn’t have to wait for each new book and that they would ARGH acknowledge their FEELINGS for each other I mean COME ON STOKER!

    2. Lily Evans*

      I finished Tana French’s The Witch Elm this week and I’m really sad that I found it underwhelming. Normally I love her books and I consider her one of my all-time favorite authors, but this one took me forever to get into, I found the plot twists predictable, and I really hated the ending. I also found the narrator/main character insufferable. It was so disappointing!

      1. CAA*

        I am sad to hear this! I love her writing and she’s absolutely amazing at dialog. I have “The Witch Elm” on hold at the library, and I’ll still read it, but I was hoping it would be as good as the Dublin Murder Squad books.

        1. Lily Evans*

          You might still enjoy it! Someone mentioned on last week’s thread that they really liked it, so even though it wasn’t my cup of tea taste is always subjective. It was still definitely interesting and worth a read even though I didn’t love it as much as her other books.

    3. Villanelle*

      City on Fire – Garth Risk Hallberg, an epic novel (just over 900 pages!) comprising of several characters in 1970’s New York but it’s so much more than that. It has interludes that flash forward and back, are “typewritten” and “handwritten” to reflect the character who is talking at the time.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’m currently reading The Power by Naomi Alderman. It might have been a recommendation here, but I don’t add notes when I add books to my “To Read” shelf in Goodreads, so I can’t remember. :D

      I just finished Dietland by Sarai Walker, which was terrific, so much better than the series, which I really liked, I’m so pissed it was cancelled! And I just got notice that Lock In by John Scalzi is ready to be checked out! Woo-hoo! I really liked Unlocked.

      These are all ebooks from the library, by the way.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I read The Power last week. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. What do you think of it?

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          I just finished it a couple of hours ago, and I really liked it, although I may have to read it again to fully appreciate the outtake sections (that’s all I can say without spoiling it)! It started to get a little…hectic near the end, but it made sense. 4.5 out of 5!

    5. Claire (Scotland)*

      I’m reading Genevieve Cogman’s The Burning Page, the third in her Invisible Library series. Then I’ll be starting Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho, because my best friend convinced me to buy earlier today.

      1. CAA*

        Oooh, those Genevieve Cogman books look interesting, and I see that my library has all 4 as e-books with no wait list. Thanks for posting this!

    6. Red Reader*

      I just started a re-read (sorta, I was listening to it on audiobook this morning) of Harry Turtledove’s Timeline-191 alternative history series. It’s a 11-book series that starts with the courier who dropped Robert E. Lee’s Special Order 191 before the battle of Antietam picking it up again, instead of losing it for the Union to find. The Union doesn’t win the Civil War, and it then leads through the next century of world history, including both world wars, in a world where the USA and CSA share a continent and a border and are consistently on opposite sides in conflicts. A lot of the political and military situations are recognizable as variations of what happened in mainland Europe in our history, there are recognizable historical figures along with his original characters, in many cases you can follow family lines throughout the ~85 year history of the series. I really enjoy alternative history and military history.

      (And for alternative history plus military history plus science fiction, he also has an excellent series where WWII is interrupted by an invasion of aliens who are supposed to clean out Earth for a colonization fleet that’s on its way.)

      1. Red Reader*

        This audiobook is read by the same reader who does most of the Dark Tower series, which is one of my favorite book series ever. So I keep waiting for him to start talking about how ka is a wheel. However, I am pleased beyond words to hear Abraham Lincoln sounding like Roland Deschain.

    7. heckofabecca*

      I read the introduction and conclusion to Memory Lands by Christine DeLucia for my American Indian history course. Super interesting, very thought-provoking stuff about place and memory.

    8. Drop Bear*

      I’m reading The Elephant in the Brain (non-fiction) as a book club read, and I’m at the point of heaving it across the room but I’m determined to finish it!

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      Today I finished Dear Mrs. Bird by AJ Pearce. It was super cute and charming. It’s a bout a girl who accidentally ends up working for an Agony Aunt column in a woman’s magazine in London in 1941. If you like Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society you would like this.

    10. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m reading Becoming Mrs. Lewis. It’s a fictionalized story of how C.S. Lewis and his wife Joy began exchanging letters. Really good so far!

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m rereading Carol Nelson Douglas’s take on Irene Adler, Good Night Mr Holmes. (Check your libraries.) It’s told from the pov of her long-time friend, parson’s daughter Penelope Huxleigh, i.e. her Watson. One reason I love this take on the Holmes universe is that it takes the basics of the canon story–Irene outwits Holmes, and she decides to marry someone else and leave the damning photograph behind for the king while she heads off for a monarch-free future–and doesn’t feel the need to undo all that, like so many versions in which Norton must be a mistake (freeing up Irene for Holmes to take or leave) and Holmes must be on top, Irene humbly crouched at his feet like so many old sci fi covers. The first four in this series are a delight; I thought it got over-ornate later on.

      In a similar vein I recommend Kareem Abdul Jabbar’s Mycroft Holmes, about Holmes’s brother. Deals with race in a way the Adler series deals with gender–and both are aware that the ACTUAL Doyle wrote books sympathetic to such characters, contra all the modern adaptations of Holmes in which apologists claim that because the originals were set in Victorian England, their modern adaptation has to be sexist and/or racist to be true to the flavor of the originals.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I liked the story for Mycroft Holmes, and I have the sequel on hold at the library, but I found the writing style really clunky and juvenile. It took me out of the story quite a lot.

    13. rogue axolotl*

      I’m reading Meddling Kids–it’s a kind of mashup between Lovecraftian horror and the Scooby Doo kids if they grew up to lead dysfunctional lives. It’s funny and clever, but I’m not really sure if I’m actually enjoying it or not.

  68. Canadian Natasha*

    Has anyone here tried GoodFoodBox? (I think it’s just Canadian at this point) Any opinions on the service? Looks like I can try a few meals for free and then quit if I want, but thought I’d see if there’s anything I should know first.

  69. Anon anony*

    How do you not feel jealous over those who are better looking than you? I’ve been called “cute”, but never “pretty” or “sexy”. I have other admirable traits and focus on those, but it would be nice to be considered attractive. I’ve had friends who went through an awkward phase and then grew up to be very beautiful. I was not really like that. I don’t think I’m hideous, but I’m not gorgeous either. No matter how good I feel, I feel bad when I see those who are prettier than me and feel inferior. How do you not let it get to you?

    1. HannahS*

      There are a lot of folks that people find more beautiful and attractive than me. But I don’t care much, because I don’t think being attractive to a lot of people is important. Personally, I just need one man to find me wildly attractive and I’m set. And given how many non-conventionally-handsome men I’ve been attractive to, I think I’ll find him! Women are sold this ideal that “Every woman wants to be her and every man wants to be with her” which is like…why? I literally just need the one guy. Other people don’t need to find me attractive, because it’s not relevant to the relationship I have with them. The other thing is, I think about what I could do to be more attractive. I could change my eating and exercise habits away from health and function and towards just being thin. I could wake up an hour earlier to do nice things to my hair and wear makeup. I could spend a lot more money on flattering, less comfortable clothes. But I don’t want to. To an extent, I’ve bargained away being more attractive in exchange for sleep and comfort. That’s a fair trade to me.

    2. Nita*

      I kind of feel my life would be easier if I were better looking. If I didn’t have to spend an hour on my hair just so it doesn’t look like a bird’s nest, and didn’t have to take multiple photos just to get one halfway decent pic.

      But. If I were really gorgeous, I’d have way more male attention than I want – it would especially be a problem at work, where I’m often in public and/or at workplaces that are mostly make. I’d probably have married the wrong, good-enough guy, just because he admired me. Maybe I’d realize he’s the wrong guy when I met the right guy, and by then it would be too late to do anything about it. Nah. Being hot is not worth that.

    3. Anonanonanon*

      Two things: I got away from a mindset of comparing myself to others. In a world of 8 billion people, there will always be people more (fill in the blank) than you. Always. So, who cares? They’re not hurting you by being pretty, so why resent them for something they can’t control? Also, maybe they are looking at you with envy for any number of reasons. You can never know.

      The second thing: I found a boyfriend who is insanely attracted to me and who thinks i just right (for him). Turns out I didn’t need everyone to agree I’m pretty and sexy — just one person is enough. :)

    4. Turtlewings*

      I struggle myself with wishing I was more attractive, but one thing that has helped me is realizing that… well, to put it bluntly, ugly people are still people. Your worth as a human being has nothing to do with your attractiveness, despite what our culture would like you to think. You don’t somehow owe it to anyone to be attractive. The whole “everyone is beautiful” idea is nice, but honestly? Some people are not beautiful. Some people are genuinely ugly. And they are just as valuable and just as human as any movie star. Their lives are worth just as much. They can be just as happy and do just as much with their lives as anyone. They are not inferior to anyone. You and me are not inferior to anyone just because we’re less beautiful.

    5. Melody Pond*

      Well, first, to point out the obvious – beauty is completely subjective. Who is it that considers these other people to be better looking than you? Is it you? Other people might not share that opinion.

      Second, I echo HannahS’s sentiment about physical attractiveness not being all that important. I think being reasonably physically healthy/strong is important, but other than that, I don’t really give a hoot what other people think of my looks. I used to struggle with my appearance for a long time, because I really thought I was horrifically ugly (and to be honest, I still don’t really find myself attractive), but it doesn’t matter all that much. I managed to find a serious partner who finds me attractive (with my huge witch-like nose and all), and his opinion of my appearance is really the only one I care about. I’d much rather the rest of the world value me for my intelligence – my extreme detail-orientedness, my mad Excel skills, and my compulsion to always be looking for ways to make things better.

      In fact, I find it downright odd now when someone who is NOT my spouse comments on my appearance, telling me I look cute or something similar – in my mind, I’m like, “That’s a weird thing to say to someone you’re not sleeping with or trying to sleep with.” And it comes most often from women in my own family, and they are always commenting on the attractiveness or lack thereof of other women, too – which suggests to me that maybe they think one of the most important/valuable qualities for a woman is her physical attractiveness. And that’s just kinda sad.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        Officially I despise beauty standards. But my last boyfriend and I had a mutual friend (female) I secretly thought was almost devastatingly pretty. I hid the extent to which I gaped at her. Never said a word. Boyfriend kept pointing out that he found me attractive as hell, and never said anything about Mutual Friend’s appearance until one day he was trying to describe her physically to a different friend to get across an impersonation, but paused, looked over at me and then back, and said, “I can’t really tell you what she looks like. She just looks really average and plain.” I was flabbergasted.

        2. Kat in VA*

          The Husband has done the same. Someone I think is really really gorgeous and he’ll shrug and go “eh”. (He won’t be punished for agreeing. He knows this.)

          We like what we like.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      What others have said and adding: I know that people are not standing next to me so they can be seen with the beautiful person. I look okay but I have never been mistaken for beautiful.
      The next one is probably wrong but I tend to think that really good looking people have to be on the look out for users- people who will use them just because they look good.
      Think back to grammar school. The really good looking kids seem to get more friends quicker or so it seemed, right? Their lives seemed to move faster than mine in some ways that were not good, although some of the ways were good, too. I actually prefer the pacing of my own life.

      And one tip I have applied to my own jealousies and insecurities: The green monster rears it’s head for a reason. There is probably something in my life I can tweak or push myself a little harder at. This not only fills up my time and extra brain space, but it also gave me goals. Goals are always good for the mental health.

      Now with being older, I would not trade places with those people I envied for all the money in the world. Events over time do level that playing field. Example. Friends got a house long before we did. It really needed fixing up. They ran at it with everything they had. It looked great. Twenty five plus years later, guess what, the house is ready to be done over again. And they aren’t too interested in doing it. Their house looks about like mine now. And it just doesn’t matter that it’s not House Beautiful.

    7. Washi*

      I read Dietland. I was already on the fat acceptance train, and I didn’t love everything about it, so I wouldn’t have expected it to make the impact it did… but dang. It really hammered home how oppressive society’s focus on our appearance is and I have been much less self-conscious of my prettiness/lack thereof ever since.

    8. Julia*

      I’m of two minds on this. Being more attractive would have made parts of my life much easier, and might have even let me pursue a different career. (I loved to sing when I was in school, but apparently even classical singers have to be hot now, doubly so for musical obviously, so I was steered away from pursuing it.)
      That said, being very average-looking means I can be pretty (ha) sure that most people like me for my other qualities, which will stay and not fade with time, so my friendships are more solid. Not saying pretty people are shallow, but they probably have to wonder who around them is shallow. Unfortunately, unwanted attention happens to almost all women, so I’m not sure that would have changed much. Actually, if I was super hot, people might believe me more easily that I was groped or whatever – after all, who wants to grope average me, they say.

    9. Mrs. Fenris*

      I wish I knew. I’m not unattractive, but at age 51 I’ve finally realized I won’t suddenly get more attractive when I’m older, and I’m honestly sort of bitter to realize I won’t ever experience life as a beautiful girl.

    10. Rainy*

      I think I had a lot of confidence when I was younger that I would at least improve with age. I was really unfortunate looking, and my parents’ terrible parenting didn’t help, because I always had the wrong clothes, bad haircut, no idea how to style my hair, do makeup (once the cult allowed it), anything like that.

      One thing that really helped me was that by inclination, I’m seriously femme, and once I felt like I had the freedom to pursue presenting in the way I wanted to, I cultivated a look and developed a fashion sense and learnt how to style my hair and do makeup and all that sort of stuff, so even when I was still convinced that I was ugly, I felt really confident and happy in my self-presentation. I’m also very smart, well-read, funny, etc, but even though I’m maybe not conventionally pretty, I have a certain something, and I have really leaned into that je ne sais quoi. I find that confidence and happiness are really attractive regardless of your actual features.

      When I was younger I felt envy over other people’s looks, but I realized that everyone has their own trials, and it’s silly to let something as minor as an arrangement of someone else’s features mess with my chill. :)

    11. Anonymously answering*

      I think I felt generally ok with my looks (not the flyest girl in the room, but not a total hah) until my boyfriend said that I was like the girl next door. Never followed up with pretty or any synonym, so my self esteem kinda went weird after that.

    12. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well,
      1.) “sexy” is more attitude than anything else, and “style,” “elegance,” “striking,” etc. really are all based on your personal fashion/style choices, rather than your face.

      2.) “pretty” doesn’t actually get you that far. It might give you a subtle leg up in the world, but it generally can’t get or keep you a job, and it might get you dates, but you’re gonna have to deal with the relationship based on your personality and sex skills just like anyone else. If you’ve got someone that only likes you for your looks, it’s gonna be a shitty relationship because, as Billy Bob Thorton said, “Sex doesn’t have to be with a model to be good. Sometimes with the model, the actress or the sexiest person in the world, it may literally be like fucking the couch.” Remember that Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley with some rando hookers.

    13. Former Retail Manager*

      It’s really about your mindset. And if all efforts to try and change it fail, consider plastic surgery/cosmetic options (if it’s in your budger). And please know, I’m not being mean. I experienced exactly what you’re experiencing and my solution was part medical (Accutane to deal with serious acne), part changing my mindset, and as I age, part cosmetic (Hello Botox & Juvaderm!) It’s what works for me and puts me in a place in which I can look at myself in the mirror every day and realize that I’ll never be a supermodel, but I’m happy with my appearance. And try to stop comparing yourself to others, if you can. Easier said than done, I realize.

    14. Ender Wiggin*

      I figure in a world of 7 billion people there are probably hundreds of millions or even billions of people better looking than me, but also hundreds of millions or billions who I’m better looking than. For some reason thinking of it that way makes me realise I’m happy with being in the middle.

    15. Asenath*

      I think possibly I never worried about being pretty because I was raised with a “beauty is only skin deep” attitude, so I think comparing myself to others that way never became really important to me. I did sometimes feel inferior to others for other reasons (generally because they seemed so successful and smooth and certain of themselves), and I only got over that when I actually got to know someone who seemed to perfect and learned she had as many problems as I did – she was just better at hiding them, not that she thought so. Maybe I was not very observant, and only saw the surface image.

      But I had to remind myself of this discovery fairly regularly for a while every time I met someone and those old envious feelings cropped up. Eventually, I broke the habit of reacting to certain people that way.

    16. rogue axolotl*

      This might sound weirdly negative, but it helped when I found out that all of my more attractive friends are at least as insecure about how they look, if not more. I think attractiveness is a bit like celebrity–it sounds nice when you haven’t experienced it, but it’s not necessarily very fulfilling on its own.

      1. LJay*

        This, too!

        I worked at an Old Time Photo studio for awhile, dressing people up and taking pictures, and it sort of boggled my mind to hear tons of objectively attractive women complain about their appearance. Their hair was always too frizzy, their boobs were too big, their boobs were too small, they didn’t like their ears, their elbows were too pointy, they had weird legs, whatever.

        It really hammered home to me that being comfortable in your skin was based on your mentality, not what you objectively look like.

    17. Ginger ale for all*

      My mother competed in beauty pageants and won her state title way back when. Women on her side of the family have been models. And I got picked at fashion shows to be made over so many times that I won’t go to them anymore. I think I look about a 5 on a one to ten scale. I don’t want their looks. They are more than their looks and so are you. Take a look at the whole them and not just one small part. We are all a mix of good and bad in so many categories. I do get jealousies from time to time but if I step back and think of the person, rather than say perhaps their good health (that is what I envy the most about people right now), I can get over it.

    18. LJay*

      Honestly, a bit by comparison.

      I would see women that were less pretty than I was, less skinny than I was, etc. And see that they still had lives that looked more fulfilling than mine was. They had husbands that loved them. They had kids. They had a wide array of friends. They had good jobs.

      It helped me realize that life isn’t a zero sum game where the hottest person wins and gets all the good stuff while the less attractive people get nothing. People more attractive than me were going to have better lives than me. People less attractive than me were going to have better lives than me. People more attractive than me were going to have worse lives than me. People less attractive than me were going to have worse lives than me. People were going to chose their goals and live their lives so differently than me that there was not even a comparison.

      Also, honestly, online dating helped. I’ve never been approached at a bar or in the grocery store or on the street and asked out. It contributed to a feeling that I didn’t really have romantic options. But online dating showed me that I definitely do.

      Also, I know for myself personally, that the objective level of attractiveness doesn’t make sex (or a relationship) better or worse for me. It’s kind of a binary – are they attractive enough for me to want to have sex with them? If yes, then good. If not, then I move on to the next person. It’s not like I’m stack ranking the people that I’m seeing and am going to dump a perfectly good guy because someone hotter might give me a chance. And while guys are generally thought to be more visual than women, no guy that I have know was going to give up a good relationship and weeks, months, or years of built up trust and intimacy and love just because someone else was more attractive.

    19. Isotopes*

      From Tumblr user sscreamss (leaving all punctuation as it is in the original post):
      “just because you don’t look like somebody who you think is attractive doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive. flowers are pretty but so are christmas lights and they look nothing alike”

      I think about this often. In addition, I think it’s just a case of being comfortable with yourself. One positive thing about being “always the friend, never the girlfriend” was that I was able to have a lot of really deep friendships with a lot of people, because I got used to approaching all of my interactions as possible friendships, but nothing romantic.

      Also, different strokes for different folks. I remember a guy I dated when I was young, I thought he was the most gorgeous dude ever. After we broke up, my friends all told me about how they were so surprised when they met him, because I’d talked him up as being some kind of hunky model-type, and none of them thought he was attractive at all. I still don’t get it, to be honest. But there you go. And then I remembered that when I’d met him (in a club), I’d been trying to get his attention from across the club all night, and he kept looking at me, but he never approached me. Finally, at the end of the night, I asked him, “So, do you want to dance or what?” And he was completely taken aback.

      “I didn’t think you were looking at me. I kept telling my friend that you must have been looking at him, and he kept telling me you were definitely looking at ME, but I just…I didn’t think that could be possible.”

      Attraction is super weird. And interesting. And fun. But you don’t get to pick your genetics. And I’ve read so much dating advice that says if you’re going to compliment someone, compliment them on something that they have a CHOICE over. Like an outfit, or a hairstyle, or a cool pair of shoes. It’s one of the reasons that “You’re really beautiful” can feel like an empty compliment, particularly for “objectively” (?) attractive people, because it’s like, “thanks, I’ll let my parents know that their genes came together in a way that someone else finds pleasing.”

  70. HannahS*

    I re-read the Veronica Speedwell mysteries by Deanna Raybourn. Victorian lady-detective novels are the only mystery books I read. Good comfort but the romance burns so darn SLOW. I KNOW YOU LOVE EACH OTHER! GAH!

    2. Kate Daniels*

      I hadn’t heard of this series, but just checked the first book out from my library’s Overdrive because I love reading historical/mystery this time of year and slow burn romance is my favorite. Thanks for the rec!

    4. L-cJ*

      ooo, will have to check out, thanks! they’re a bit later, but might still be within your time-frame: Victoria Thompson’s Gaslight Mystery series is quite good (set in turn of the 20th century New York)

  71. Shrunken Hippo*

    If any of you have service dogs for mobility, how much help have they been?

    I have fibromyalgia and suspected Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and emdometriosis which means I can get intense pain in any part of my body at any time.. Due to all the pain my mobility is quite an issue because all of my joins hurt at all times so finding a device to help me hasn’t worked. I have recently started thinking about applying for a service dog. I have read all the rules and regulations in my province so I know what would be required, but I’m just wondering how much a dog would help. I know that it would dramatically affect my mood in the best way possible, but I’m not sure if I should get a service dog. I need something to help me get around but since service dogs are so hard to get in my area I don’t want to take a spot on the waiting list if I could get help with a medical device. I just don’t know what to do so I figured I might as well ask and see how other people’s experiences have gone.

    Also I am very certain that my doctor would be willing to sign any forms because she is extremely supportive and will help me get back to a more normal life in any way she can (there’s a very good reason you have to book with her 2 weeks in advance!).

    1. HannahS*

      *wave* I also have fibromyalgia and am going to be checked for EDS! Hello, friend. My condolences. I’ll admit that I don’t know a whole lot about service dogs, but I’m having trouble understanding how a dog would help with your mobility. I think devices are more what you’re looking for if you need help with mobility. I think if you feel a well-behaved, trained dog would help your mood, you should get one. But I’m not sure that’s the same, necessarily, as a service dog. Now, there are service dogs who provide support for people with PTSD, so it’s not like it’s necessary to have a dog that performs a physical service, but as far as I know, service dogs are usually reserved for people who need them for their IADLs–like, they need the dog in order to be able to go to the library and go do groceries either because they can’t see, or are at risk of having seizures, hypoglycemia, flashbacks, etc. I know emotional supports animals get a bad rap, and I’m certainly against people faking documents and pretending they’re service dogs (and I’m sure you’d never do that!) but maybe what you need is more along the lines of an older, already trained, even tempered dog for affection and emotional support.

      1. Rainy*

        Mobility support dogs help their handlers with locomotion including bracing, balance and gait support, assistance in getting to their feet after a fall, opening doors, retrieving dropped items, etc.

        So yes, they do help.

        1. HannahS*

          In that case, maybe it would be a good idea! I think most places that provide dogs do an assessment to see if you’re a good candidate. It certainly would be fine to ask, especially if you have your doc’s support.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I can offer some ideas for how it helps. A former neighbor has a different balance issue and her big boxer mix trained himself (!) to stand near her but not push against her so she can judge her balance by him and lean when she needs to. She’s small so she could even lean on him and his strong back enough to help get her legs back under her if she fell.
          Before I moved away, she was starting to look into options for a formally trained dog because she knew her big guy was starting to be an old man and wanted to let him retire at dome point. (She & her husband have other dogs that he could play with.)

    2. extra anon*

      I have EDS. Things are better now (I’m able to walk without supports for more than an hour), but I’ve dealt with varying degrees of mobility limitations. I was housebound for a few years and struggled to walk to the end of the driveway.

      If you are significantly impacted by EDS, you’re probably going to need multiple strategies for managing any facet of it. So if your circumstances allow, don’t think about looking for *a* mobility device, but several. Maybe a manual wheelchair with a SmartDrive power assist on bad days and a rollator with a seat for better days. Or maybe you have someone push you in a wheelchair during family outings and use forearm crutches to get from the car to your office.

      Having a variety of tools can help so much (esp if you can get something that works on days you have less upper body function, be it leg braces, a power chair, etc.). A service dog can be part of a strategy that involves mobility devices, braces, para transit, home health aides, and more.

      These days I use some combo of ankle and knee braces, tape, and a folding cane on really bad days or over super long distances. I sometimes use a wrist brace if the cane is hurting my arms on a day I really need it. The rest of the time I just wear compression garments under my clothes. I also buy everything online and take cabs a lot. I’ve never really had access to the other stuff (mobility scooters, wheelchairs, etc), so I have gotten really good at maximizing the tools and supports I do have.

      My advice would be to get really specific about what your limitations are and what you need, then talk to the people at the dog program. I would also make a note of what hasn’t worked for you with the devices you’ve tried. You asked if the dog would help. What does that mean to you? Discuss all of this with them (it might have to be during the application process). It’s really easy to get dazzled by all the things a dog can do even if those things wouldn’t actually impact your quality of life. Plus they’re dogs. It’s all but impossible not to fall in love with them.

      More importantly, keep working on finding ways to maximize your mobility right now. It takes a long time to get a service dog and you don’t want to be cooped up while you wait or end up too disabled to qualify for a dog. (I have been on a wait list long enough to both deteriorate to the point where I was too sick for a dog to be a viable option and to recover enough that I don’t want one anymore.) Keep experimenting so you know what devices and strategies work best and so the program can train the dog to work with whatever tools you’ll be using. It might turn out that power chair + service dog would be a great combination for you, in which case you’ll definitely want to know how to steer before you show up at team training!

      Also, if you don’t have a pet dog, it might be worth considering. Anything that can help your mood is valuable and can make it easier to cope with the pain. Animals have been such a big part of helping me get of out the pit of pain despair. If you do go the service dog route, I do recommend looking for other ways to get your dog fix while you wait.

      I’ve written too much already, but the last thing I will say is: There are many reasons not to get a service dog, but the idea that you would be taking up a spot on the list isn’t one of them. It’s okay to pursue something that can make your life better, even if it’s not the only thing that can.

      I hope something in all that was useful. Best of luck to you!

    3. ElspethGC*

      There’s a channel on YouTube, Chronically Jaquie – she has EDS (among a host of other chronic conditions) and a service dog. Harlow helps her with things related to her other conditions as well (blood sugar alert, allergy alert etc) but she also does a lot to help with her EDS – fetching things, balance and bracing, opening doors, pressure therapy and so on. She’s got a bunch of really good videos about her EDS and service dog experience, including owner-training, so I would definitely recommend checking her out. She also talks about assistive devices and mobility devices, so you can look at what she’s using and whether it might help you.

    4. extra anon*

      I don’t favor the use of dogs for bracing, except in limited cases, and certainly not for catching people when they fall.

      I’m well aware of all the talking points about big strong dogs, OFA ratings, where the handler is placing their weight (of course people argue passionately for different placements), how much pressure the handler is putting on the dog, etc. Still, there are all kinds of inanimate objects designed exactly for that purpose. Why put any weight on a dog’s back at all if you don’t have to? This is especially true in EDS where impaired proprioception can make it hard to accurately gauge and modulate the amount of force you’re putting on the dog.

      I believe counterbalance (with an appropriate harness), having the dog retrieve a mobility aid, and having the dog get help can all be safer options. You can also work with a therapist to learn how to stand from a chair or get up off the ground safely.

      Some people genuinely don’t have other options and must brace against their dogs. You have to do what you have to do. But if you don’t absolutely have to brace, then I think it’s not worth jeopardizing your dog’s health or working life.

      1. Shrunken Hippo*

        Actually though it’s suspected that I have EDS it’s the fibromyalgia that really gets me. I can be having what seems like a normal day so I don’t take my crutches because I don’t need them, but then when I’m walking across the street my back seizes which makes it hard to breathe yet alone move. I was considering a dog specifically because I never know when my pain will hit so I never know which assistive device I’ll need in a day. I also get very bad migraines that occasionally make me lose vision for a few minutes so I’m thinking a dog might be a good way to go. Also I don’t plan on constantly using a dog for bracing. I can get enough momentum to get up but there are times where I can not bend over for the life of me. My fibro also causes my hands and arms to twitch of jerk so I was thinking that a dog that’s strong enough to carry the odd item in a doggy pack pack would be useful. There is just so much to consider and my body likes to throw new pains at me every week so it’s difficult to judge what assistive devices I should invest in or if I should get a dog. I really want to do physiotherapy but I can’t afford it until I get disability coverage as the government where I live will cover 10 sessions a year once I get coverage which is a whole other can of worms.

    5. ronda*

      I will just mention that I have seen 2 wheelchair bound people with service dogs where the dog was having some “training” problems. They are animals with their own minds and won’t always behave as expected.

      I think one was a new dog for the person, so maybe they didnt have the training / control right.
      The other one I think had the dog for a long time and was treating her more like a pet than a service dog.

      When exploring this option I would ask about the training for you on how to best work with the dog to make sure you would both work well together.

  72. StellaBella*

    Oh Alison, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family, and the kitties, on Sam’s passing. Much love and light to help you all thru this tough time.

  73. The Other Chelsea*

    So sorry to hear about Sam, who seemed like such a sweet kitty. Sending thoughts of comfort your way Alison <3

  76. Mrs. Fenris*

    I’m so sorry about Sam. It’s been a bad week for AAM kitty owners. My Callisto disappeared almost two weeks ago. :-(

  78. Aurora Leigh*

    Trying to get a bit of head start on my Christmas shopping!

    My boyfriend is a PC gamer and he has mentioned a couple times that he would like to get a new mouse and keyboard.

    Any recommendations? I know that he doesn’t like wireless ones and that he likes the ones with the colored lights.

    I’d like to stay under/around $100 total.

    1. Serious Sam*

      I suggest you ask him, or get one of his friends to ask him. Or you could try to be oblique, and ask him what bugs him about his current keyboard & mouse and features he would really like in a new set-up. After 25 years, my wife & I know that surprises of this sort usually don’t quite work because we are both so picky about what we like, so usually the spouse is involved in shopping for their present.

        2. Gatomon*

          Corsair’s a fine brand, not a Walmart in-house brand so quality should be good. That looks like a decent entry-level gaming keyboard.

          Two things to note — it doesn’t have mechanical keys like higher-end gaming keyboards, and it doesn’t support NKRO (or “n” key rollover, basically if you mash the entire keyboard at once an NKRO keyboard will send all the keypresses to the PC, this one appears to be limited to 8 keypresses). I think those are just concerns for people who enjoy competitive first person shooters though. I consider myself a gamer but I don’t need NKRO for any type of gaming I do. I do purchase mechanical keys because they are such a pleasure to type on and last longer.

          I don’t think you can do better at that price point. Most gaming keyboards are going to start at $80+, but you might start to see some really good deals as the holidays approach. Still, you probably won’t see anything that is a full keyboard and backlit for $50 that is worth buying, even on Black Friday.

    3. Anon glow gamer*

      Mine got a Razer mechanical keyboard and wireless mouse, both glow beautiful colors and are great for gaming. I’m sure they have wired options too as they make things for professional gamers. Not sure what the prices are like though.

  79. Marguerite*

    I will be in Vancouver, BC in January for 4-5 days. Does anyone have any recommendations on what I should check out or anything fun to do?

    1. Rainy*

      I used to live there! What do you like? There is a lot to do!

      Also, do you like sushi? I have recommendations :)

  81. Anon here again*

    Has anyone had PRK laser eye surgery done? I went for a consultation and am still not sure about it. There was a couple in a room next to me and the man was complaining about having eye pain one year after the surgery. I would like to get rid of my glasses and contacts make my eyes hurt, but I don’t know. Any insight/stories?

    1. Anononon*

      I myself have not had it done, but I work in a LASIK center and can maybe answer some of the questions you have.

      1. WellRed*

        Is it worthwhile after a certain age? That sounds stupid, but, if I was only get 5 years out of it, rather than 15, that makes a difference.

    2. GhostWriter*

      I’ve always wanted to get laser eye surgery, but the slim chance of having issues (dry eyes, blurred vision, etc.) after all the healing is finished has kept me from taking the plunge. I know three people who got it done between 10 and 15 years ago, and all of them have said they had absolutely no problems, but I’m still scared to do it.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I had LASIK done in 2006 and I’m still happy with it. I went from a -3.25 prescription to nothing. Only in the last year I got glasses, but they’re only -0.25 and I mostly wear them because I use my smartboard and computer so much, they were bothering my eyes. They have specially tinted lenses. But I don’t need them to drive or anything.

    4. Sparkly Librarian*

      It’s different for each patient. I had PRK in 2014 and had a great recovery with no side effects and very little pain. There was one day where it felt like I had gotten sunscreen in my eyes — I couldn’t keep them open, so I slept and listened to an audiobook and took the medications prescribed. You mustn’t rub them! I had it scheduled for a Thursday morning and was off work 2 days (Thurs, Fri, plus the weekend). I believe my uncorrected vision was 2o/200, and I didn’t wear my glasses (didn’t actually have them anymore), so I was basically wandering around a danger to others. (No, I don’t drive.) Vision correction was kind of awesome.

    5. Trouble*

      I had LASIK in June. I was 38 in August. I am now 100 percent signed off and pleased with my outcome. I had some dryness in my right eye for a few months after. I was taught how to do hot compresses with an eye mask And that seemed to sort it. My prescription was over 2.00 of astigmatism in each eye which is a lot apparently and I was like .5 near sighted, which wouldn’t even need correction on its own. I have two lines better than 20/20 in my left and one better in my right due to a tiny bit of residual astigmatism which doesn’t cause me any issues or need correction. I have had a post sign off eye exam with an independent optometrist and I’m fine/doing great. PRK is very different I believe but with LASIK the actual procedure was not painful but just very disconcerting. I was warned to expect gritty sensation, hyper light sensitivity and some pain for a few days after but had none. The most annoying part of recovery was sleeping in eye sheilds for a week. I couldn’t get along with toric contacts at all so being glasses/contacts free is one of the best things I’ve ever done. But it is a major operation at the end of the day so you need to be sure and comfortable. I’d toyed with the idea for years.

  82. Anono-me*

    My sympathies to everyone who lost their cat, dog, and furry companions this week.

    I want to share information about something that happened shortly after I lost my pup. In the hope of helping someone else avoid a similar experience.

    I am nesting the details because it is sad and some of us might have enough sadness right now, not because it is gross or violent.

    1. Anono-me*

      If you are considering burying a pet that has passed away; please make sure that the pet cemetery is protected from development.

      After our wonderful Pup passed away (at about 15), we had him buried at the local pet cemetery. It was a nice rural area out in the middle of nowhere. Everything was fine for a few years.

      Then our town had a building boom. Land prices skyrocketed. The landowner sold the property to a developer. People were eventually allowed to retrieve the headstones if they wanted, but there was no legal protection in place for pets cemeteries in our state. (Several wicked good lawyers had buried beloved animal companions there and were very unhappy, but were unsuccessful in their attempts to stop it.)

  83. SophieChotek*

    Looking for recommendations for Dash Cam (front/rear).
    Any users out there?
    Suggestions?
    Are they easy/hard to use?
    Are you glad you got one?
    Do you take it out every time you leave your card (like some people do with portable GPS units?) or leave it in all the time?

    Any suggestions/anecdotes/advice welcome!

    1. Free Meerkats*

      I’ve been using one whenever I drive for many years now. While not always the best price around, the best place I’ve found for info/reviews is thedashcamstore dot com Since I’m just after basic video recording, I use an inexpensive, one channel camera that’s no longer in production. So the model isn’t any use to you.

      It’s dead easy to use, and many are so inconspicuous that you can leave them in all the time. I have a mount in my car my work truck, and my wife’s car. So I just put it in whatever I’m driving and plug it into the cigar lighter.

      I usually leave it in my car all the time. My car got prowled a few weeks ago and it was still there in the morning. It’s so small I guess it wasn’t noticed.

      I got one because I was driving A City truck in the right lane when a young woman attempted to park from the center lane. I hit her and shoved her small car into a storefront. The cop didn’t cite her and her insurance company sued the City, based on her claim she was in the right lane and I rear ended her. When her insurance company saw the photos of the physical damage they withdrew the suit, there was no way the damage could have been done that way. If it’s had a camera, she would have been cited and saved everyone a lot of time. Since the reason I have one is for potential use to defend myself in a collision, I got one with no GPS ability. That way I can’t be accused of contributing to the collision because I was doing 32 in a 30 zone.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Thanks. Yes this is exactly why I am thinking of getting one. Just had my 2nd Hit and Run this summer – for the 2nd one I was in a car, got the person’s plate as they drove off, but when the police followed up person lied and said it hadn’t happened, so the police did nothing and now i have to pay to get my car fixed. Thanks for the link; that helps even.

    2. Car anon*

      A friend had one, it recorded visual no audio and I believe front only, not rear. She had it on all the time while driving and I believe she left it in the car or put it in the glove box (at least for the few days I visited). It was after she was in an accident, she took down the person’s info and agreed not to call the cops. Then the person called the cops and she ended up having to pay for THEIR car! If I drove regularly I’d definitely get one.

  84. Damayanti D Bradley*

    I am so sorry to hear about your cat! In my family we are dealing with a medical crisis and my aunt can only bring her lifelong companion Karma with her to an assisted living facility for a steep fee. She is on a fixed income and I am trying to raise the money to keep them together. There is a link in my name if you would like more info.

  85. Serious Pillowfight*

    I’m so sorry about your kitty, Alison.

    I babysat my best friend’s 6-month-old for three hours and I just…don’t know how you parents do it 24/7/365. She was spitting up and crying alternately for about half the time. Luckily when I changed her diaper there was no mess. I could logically see that she is rather cute, but I just…felt no warmth toward this kid. Maybe because she isn’t mine? I don’t have kids…just a teenage exchange student who can feed and bathe himself. Ship ’em in fully grown, I say.

    I feel like I would only have my own kid if he or she magically arrived at the age of, I don’t know…5? So he/she’d at least be potty trained and going to kindergarten. The pregnancy/childbirth/baby part is so prohibitive to me. It’s also risky for me to get pregnant as I’m 35 and had a hormone-positive form of breast cancer three years ago.

    That’s all for now!

    1. Anon Anon Anon*

      I like babies, but I hear you on that last paragraph. Fortunately, you CAN get one at 5 or really any age. I’ve been considering adoption for if/when I want to start a family.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I kinda feel the same way, at least about wanting to get one that’s about 5 shipped in! :-)

      I’ve always been ambivalent about kids. Sometimes I regret not trying for one, other times I can’t see how I could possibly rearrange my life to accommodate one. But I have this recurrent fantasy about fostering or adopting a kid who has had problems in their life and could use a boring, mostly stable person like me.

    4. GhostWriter*

      I can logically see how babies are cute too, but I really don’t find them endearing or fun in any way until they get to a point where they can start speaking (which is about when they start developing their own quirks, preferences and personalities). Before that, they kind of just seem like blobs. It’s hard to feel affectionate for blobs.

      I don’t see myself ever having kids, but having one arrive via magic or adoption at age 5 would be preferable if I changed my mind. Our first adventure would be buying all the books and school supplies for kindergarten. :)

    5. ronda*

      i don’t necessarily think it is just that it is yours…. it is also spending a lot of time with them that builds the bonds. (just like with anyone)

      One friend got a kid because her brother in law asked her to take the child because the mother (his sister) was on the drugs and he was taking one of the kids and the relative who had taken this one was not taking good care of him.
      Now she has adopted him and is his mother. She never got married… so never had kids, but suddenly her situation changed and now she is very attached to him.

  86. Laura H.*

    TLDR: How does one eat something that they don’t really care for?

    My mom made macaroni and cheese casserole, and I’ve never really cared for it (taste, lotta cheese, lotta butter, but mostly the taste doesn’t appeal to me). It was the only thing made so I ate it – mostly picking at it really- and I think I made my mom kinda upset…

    I don’t like the stuff and I never will, but I’ll eat some- even if it’s just picking at it. Is that wrong?

    1. valentine*

      What’s wrong is her making something you don’t eat, then getting upset in your face. In future, say, “No, thanks,” to stuff you don’t want and go get stuff you do. If anyone gets upset, leave them to it.

    2. StellaBella*

      Food is touchy with some moms and dads. I had a fight once with my dad over ‘fancy’ tomato paste in a tube, he was old school Italian-American (1st gen). Jus share with your mom that it is something that is not to your tastes, and you are happy she made food for you (she may do this to show love?), but because of how your system tolerates it (your taste buds don’t like it – as her if she’d eat something she hates), you did not finish it. It’s not a reflection on her skills/love/person, just that you are meh on the stuff.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Many of us were taught to eat whatever is put in front of you.

      Sorry, I just can’t. I eat the wrong food and I don’t feel right for days. I know some folks get verrry upset if you do not eat their food. For those folks I take a very modest serving and swallow it. It’s not worth the hassle that follows. There are a couple of foods that make me puke with in five minutes so those foods I do pass on.

      Given that she’s your mom, I think she can put a little more effort into having something you will eat. If you fixed a meal for her you would check to make sure she liked everything you had in mind. It’s a waste of food to cook things that other people won’t/can’t enjoy. I know my father and I always went over the menu before hand, when we planned a meal together. Why turn meal time into a contest of wills?

    4. fposte*

      Every now and then I’ve choked down something I hate–usually fish of some kind–but it’s in specific, professionally related circumstances and often abroad. It’s not pleasant, but it’s not the end of the world.

      However, you’re talking a very different situation, and what I’d do would depend a lot on what the situation and relationship was with your mom. I’m a little confused as to whether your mom was upset that you didn’t like her cooking or was upset that you ate some even though you weren’t crazy about it. Do you live with her and does she do all the cooking? If so, then it may be time for you to take over some of that burden. Are you visiting? Then I think in most family relationships you can say “Sorry, Mom, I’m not a big mac and cheese person these days–is it okay if I just put together a little salad from the spinach in the fridge?” And if you know she tends to cook things you don’t like, either time your visits accordingly–so you’re not there for meals or so you have time for input into what’s being made (it might be really nice for her if you can cook something together)–or have a candid “I know you’re trying to please me but” talk about food wherein you identify things she’s made that you *do* really like.

    5. GhostWriter*

      If you don’t like a specific food there is absolutely nothing wrong with not eating it, just be polite about it (i.e. tell your mom you appreciate her cooking dinner for you, but mac and cheese is just not your thing…if she’s not understanding about it, that means she has issues, not you).

      When I was a kid I had to eat a few specific foods/drinks that I didn’t like for health reasons, and I found that taking a bite of the bad food between bites of good food, or shoveling the bad food down as quickly as possible and then rewarding myself with good food helped.

  87. Stan Lee (not the famous one)*

    This is an update on my post from a few weeks ago about karma.

    To refresh your memory: New York Comic Con was three weeks ago. Some convention exclusives are so limited and in so much demand that you have to win the right to buy one via a lottery. I won a lottery to buy a Majin Vegeta Funko Pop. (Majin Vegeta is a character in the manga and anime series Dragonball.) I didn’t want it so I posted a “for sale” offer in a Facebook group and accepted an offer for $75. The buyer didn’t have a ticket to the con so we had to meet outside the Javits Center, where the con was taking place, to complete the transaction.

    After I bought my Pop, people were offering to buy it from me for $100, but I turned them down. So this means I get karma points for keeping my word and honoring the deal, right? Because I could have taken the $100 and ghosted the original buyer, or lied and told him the Pops were all sold out before I got to the front of the line.

    Here’s where the karma question came in.

    If I knew that I could have gotten away with it, I would have taken one of the $100 offers. But I was afraid that other people who also won the right to buy a Majin Vegeta Pop might share their experiences with the group. If they did, Buyer might have put two and two together and realized I ghosted him, and I didn’t want to deal with any possible ramifications that might arise. That’s why I kept my word. (Buyer did not pay in advance, so he wasn’t at risk of losing any money.)

    My question for the Ask A Manager hive mind was: did I lose whatever karma points I might have earned by honoring my part of the deal, because my motivation for doing so was not exactly “do the right thing?”

    The general consensus among those who replied, at least if I’m understanding the responses correctly, seemed to be “no, you did not lose any karma points.”

    One thing I didn’t mention, but is relevant, is that this was not a thing where you could just go to the seller’s booth whenever you felt like it. Winners were assigned a specific date and time to make their purchase. In my case, it was Friday at 2.00pm. Once I finished the transaction, I went out to the street to meet Buyer. He wasn’t there. I texted him and asked where he was. Turns out he was still in lower Manhattan, which for those of you not familiar with NYC geography is nowhere near the Javits Center (extreme west side of midtown Manhattan). We had never discussed it, but since I had mentioned my assigned purchase time in my original Facebook post, the one he responded to, I presumed Buyer would be waiting for me.

    So I texted him and told him the deal was off because I couldn’t spend all day outside waiting for him. He replied that he’d be there as soon as he could, and increased the offer to $100. I agreed, and waited… and waited… and waited. Still no Buyer. So I texted him again. It was now 3.30pm, about an hour since I had completed my purchase. I told him I had already lost an hour of my time because he hadn’t shown up, and set a deadline of 3.45pm. He said he was running late because of traffic, he’d do whatever he could to get there, and if I’d give him until 4.00pm he’d throw in another $20, making the deal now $120. I agreed, Buyer finally showed up, he got his Majin Vegeta Funko Pop, and I got my $120.

    I didn’t know until I actually got to the sales counter that we could buy two Pops – a regular one, and another one that was autographed on the box by the guy who does the English-language voice for the Majin Vegeta character. So I bought one of each and quickly sold the signed one to someone else. (My deal with Buyer was just for the unsigned one, so there was no karma issue in selling the other Pop.) I wound up making almost $200 cash profit, which was a big help because due to poor planning on my part, I didn’t have as much money for the con as I had hoped.

    So I guess you could say the good karma not only paid off, but paid well.

    Or did it? On the other hand, I lost my cell phone that weekend – either at the con or on the way home, no way to tell. Maybe that was karmic payback for my motivation not being noble and pure…

    1. Shell*

      I hope that you are talking about this out of pure curiosity and just to see what other people might do in a similar situation. If not . . . if you really are thinking of the things that happen to you today as rewards or punishments for what you did yesterday, I think that can take you down a really unhappy road really fast. On an individual level, I would say you lost your phone because that’s something people do. Thinking that every bad thing you do will lead to the universe punishing you will have you blaming yourself for every random thing that goes wrong in your life.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      “Karma” is not just the Eastern equivalent of “God sees and judges you.” It (at least from the zen version that I studied) is simply the name for the effect that your actions have – with the understanding that your actions effect both how you see yourself and how others see you, which in turn affects how you act and others act towards you in the future. Also, not everything happens for a reason – some things are just random.

      So: Your professionalism in the Vegeta Funko business (you both kept your word *and* demanded proper compensation for your time) had the resulting “karma” of gaining you financial profit and keeping you from a possible bad reputation among that community, while also making you feel good about yourself. Your absentmindedness resulted in the Karma of losing your phone and feeling bad about yourself.

      You also had two random events happen: the opportunity to buy an extra figurine, and no one (including yourself) noticing you had misplaced your phone until it was too late. These were random events that you did nothing to earn. You simply must now deal with them – *how* you deal/dealt with them will affect your “karma.”

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I found the previous thread interesting, and one thing that resonated was the idea of karma via obsessing or accepting–if you are always stewing over whether you could have gotten that extra $10 if you’d taken a different path, you’re not nearly as happy as the person who decided X was worth $75, sold X for $75, and moved on to other things. Goes with one of my favorite aphorisms, that there are no happy endings, only happy people.

      I think purity of motivation is unimportant, and a close cousin to one of my modern pet peeves: “I didn’t INTEND (thing that could obviously happen if I did this) to happen, so you can’t be mad at me, because I intended totally different consequences.”

      1. Stan Lee (not the famous one)*

        “if you are always stewing over whether you could have gotten that extra $10 if you’d taken a different path, you’re not nearly as happy as the person who decided X was worth $75, sold X for $75, and moved on to other things.”

        Unfortunately, I’ve always been a glass-half-empty kind of guy – one of the few things I inherited from my [CENSORED] father. That, and the fact that I was in a position where I really needed that extra money, would have made it difficult for me to just go with a ‘hey, I’m getting $55 in free money’ mindset.

        I agree with you, though… I wish I could be that person you describe, but for reasons that are irrelevant to the topic at hand, I don’t think it’s possible.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Really good comments here.

      And I agree, that you were so absorbed in the deals that you just lost sight of your phone. I don’t think that is karma, I think that is just being human. Maybe your next phone needs a way of being tethered to you. I have a clip on my keys for this reason. It’s way too easy for me to set them down to look at something and totally forget about them.

      I think the karma portion ends at where the buyer compensated you so nicely. The lost phone thing could have happened in any situation where you were distracted.

      I also agree that keeping a karma score will tend to make a person unhappy. This is because the ebb and flow of life is not an even rhythm. Some days we can have three good things happen and then go for months before something nice happens again.

      I will agree what we put out there does come back to us over time. But many times we don’t notice. For example, I won’t notice a flat tire that I DID NOT get because I got my car to the shop early and the tech checked the air pressure in my tires and fixed my tires before I had a problem.

      In short, I think the culprit here was distraction, not karma.

      1. Stan Lee (not the famous one)*

        The deal had nothing to do with the loss of the phone, actually. That happened long after the transaction had been consummated. I’d have put an appropriate emoji after the final sentence (the one about “karmic payback”) if this site allowed them.

  88. Anon For This*

    Regular commenter going anon because I’ve been posting about this publicly in other places.

    On Sunday, I was in a car accident. I got a chemical burn on my arm, some bruises on my legs, and my chest muscles felt bruised and tender like when I had pneumonia. I also got a bump on my forehead. I assumed that was all from the airbag and that I’d be fine. I didn’t feel that badly injured. I called 911, and the paramedics, cops and I decided I didn’t need to go to the hospital, at least not right away.

    The chest pain was so bad that I couldn’t do much for a couple of days. On Wednesday, I felt a lot better so I did some yard work. Wednesday night, I woke up in the middle of the night with sharp pains in my intestines and explosive diarrhea that lasted for hours. I assumed I ate something that didn’t agree with me.

    The following day, I felt like I had a hangover even though I hadn’t had a drink in weeks. Nauseous, slightly dizzy, intestinal pain. Then my period seemed to come early. I started bleeding. But it turned out to be really light. More like spotting between periods.

    So that was Thursday. Now it’s Saturday and I still feel really sick to my stomach – sharp pains in my gut and abdominal distress, and I still have menstrual type spotting that comes and goes. And my chest still feels kind of sore and tender like when I was recovering from pneumonia. I feel like my body is falling apart.

    So my question is, could this be anything serious? Related to the accident? I’m going to go to the doctor as soon as I can, but it might be a day or two. I think I’ll be fine. I haven’t gone because I thought they’d just do some basic tests and give me pain meds and it wouldn’t really be worth it. But this intestinal pain is no fun.

    1. Betsy S*

      I would seriously consider going to the emergency room, or at least a walk-in clinic if you can find one tomorrow. This all does not sound good. I am not a doctor and won’t play one on the net, but you need to rule out internal injuries.

      1. Kuododi*

        Two words…. Natasha Richardson
        Granted the precipitating accident for her was a fall while snowskiing however her decision to refuse medical aid after hitting her head on the tree resulted in tragic consequences. Same thing applies with this situation particularly if new symptoms are developing. Go to ER….

    2. Quandong*

      My answer to your question is yes, absolutely, your symptoms may indicate you have internal injuries.

      This is potentially extremely serious and may endanger your life.

      Please don’t wait before seeing a doctor. Go to urgent care or the ER. Please go now and don’t wait.

      1. Quandong*

        You may be a person who is reluctant to seek help. If this is the case – do you have access to a GP or nurse helpline? Call them right away and describe your symptoms, if you feel hesitant to get medical assessment.

        1. Anon For This*

          No, I’m uninsured except through my auto insurance policy. And I’m hesitant to use that because if the charges are significant: 1) What if they fight it? 2) What if it causes my insurance rates to go way up once I get a car again?

          2. Observer*

            “Your money or your life!”

            At this point there is good reason to think that you have a serious problem on your hands. Even if it were not related to your injuries it would be important to get a medical assessment asap. Given the accident, the odds that you are dealing with serious internal injuries are so high, that the line above applies pretty literally.

    3. ..Kat..*

      The emergency room at a trauma hospital is the best place to go in this situation. Urgent care centers are not meant for this kind of thing. I recommend having someone drive you.

      1. valentine*

        +1 Maybe the seatbelt or steering wheel did abdominal damage. Always go to the ER for head injuries; the chest pain also seems awful enough to have gone in for.

    4. Anon For This*

      Thank you all! I needed a reality check. I won’t go into detail, but logistics have been a factor. I’ll try to find a ride.

      1. Red Reader*

        (Assuming you’re in the US) If you can’t find someone you know to drive you, if at all possible, take a cab, Lyft or Uber rather than calling an ambulance – not only are ambulances crazy expensive, they’re very rarely covered by insurance for non-emergent situations (and their definition of “emergent” is a pretty high bar). Scrambling for cab fare now may suck, but if the alternative is scrambling for a $2k ambulance bill later…. (Yes yes, the US healthcare system sucks, we know, there is nobody here who doesn’t know that and nobody here who can fix it today, those comments are not useful.)

        1. Anon For This*

          I only have $15 to my name and I’m almost out of dog food for my dog. So I can’t really take a cab or ride share, unfortunately. I’m going to see if I can find someone to give me a ride.

      1. Anono-me*

        2nding this times 100000000.

        Many food shelves have dog food.
        If not, boiled rice with boiled ground beef/turkey/chicken will do in a pinch.

        Also, how will you go buy the dog food if you collapse in the kitchen?

      2. Anon For This*

        I’m still alive! I have a work thing tonight where I’ll be around a lot of people, sitting down comfortably, and hopefully earning some money. So I’m going to ask around about rides and low cost clinics. I’m also feeling ok as long as I take it easy. Currently, my verdict is that if it was life-threatening, I’d probably be feeling worse right now but that I should get to the doctor ASAP.

        I appreciate all of these comments. It is good to have a reality check.

        1. Anon For This*

          I’m feeling better since last night when I wrote that first post. The symptoms seem to be brought on by exercise. I’m resting, eating bland foods, and I seem to be doing better.

          1. Quandong*

            I’m glad you are still alive and feeling better!

            If you need a lift but don’t have the funds for an Uber or a taxi, and you can’t take public transport to the clinic, contact Red Cross or Order of Malta charities. It seems as though they transport people home from hospital for free when they don’t have family or friends able to look after them. Therefore transporting a person to a medical appointment who can’t otherwise get there would seem to be something they might do.

            This information is based on a comment from Thayli on July 25, 2018 who used to volunteer for them.

            Best wishes.

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        Your comment is why I read AAM almost every weekend. It’s nice to know that people care in cyberspace.

    7. Ginger ale for all*

      My father was t boned in a parking lot by a teenager speeding. He walked away from the accident but weeks later he had problems in his abdominal area and saw a doctor. The exams showed deep bruising where his seat belt was located. The bruising started to calcify and he has had several major operations from the results of that accident. He will be wearing diapers for the rest of his life because of the results of the seat belt bruising problem. Go to a doctor and get checked out. You don’t know as much as doctors do about these things. There may be simple things that can be done that may help you get better. Best wishes.

    8. Anon For This*

      Hey everyone! Just checking back in to say that I’m still alive and I’m feeling better. Unfortunately, I never made it to the doctor. It didn’t work out logistically. The good news is that I’m feeling a lot better. I still have some chest pain and less energy than usual, but the other symptoms are gone, and I’m in a lot less pain than I was a week ago. I got a check for the car and used part of it to buy healthy food.

      Overall, things are going in a good direction. Thank you all for your comments last week! I don’t have any close friends or family nearby. I’m kind of isolated. So hearing from concerned people made me feel better and less alone in dealing with this. I’ll write another update in the open thread tomorrow.

      Hugs to you all!

      Anon

  89. Nameless Wonder*

    Mentioned last week that I’ve changed user names.

    1) I may never forgive my ex, not for changing his mind about how many children we’d have, but fur refusing to talk about it or even acknowledge it. I told him many times before we got married how important n=>1 kids were to me. Currently visiting family with and even though it’s exhausting and stressful and they fight a lot I wish I had that problem.

    2) I raised I have lived in for longer than I’ve ever lived in any other dwelling. It skeeves me out. I need an exit plan stat.

    3) {not interested in any views about the clinical effectiveness of this, I <3 the placebo effect} I'm on a waiting list for EMDR which I think may be over a year. I could do it privately but it would cost A LoT. I think I might. Anyone got any experience here?

    1. Recovering*

      I did EMDR for 3 years for my ptsd. We worked through several issues and some took longer than others. (One issue took a while year to process.) I did it with a few therapists using the whole actual setup (light bar, headphones, etc.) while sometimes the therapist just used her hand or something else for me to track. Honestly, I had the best results when I used the whole set up. I was almost emotionally drained afterwards and literally anything could upset me or make me start bawling.

      I was set up to do EDMR as part of my aftercare program after graduating a drug and alcohol treatment center. This was many years ago and at the time there were limited people with emdr training. There are many more therapists that do it and work with you if payments are an issues.

    2. Always science-ing*

      Re: EMDR – As a scientist trained in a medically related field I was super skeptical when my doctor suggested EMDR to me for PTSD. She referred me to someone who specializes in it (usually a psychologist or psychiatrist) and it was life changing; I definitely recommend giving it a try. For what it’s worth there is clinical evidence in support of the neurological basis for the technique (I did lots of research before making my first appointment). A quick search on Google Scholar will help you find some relevant scientific journal articles if that’s of interest. Like all medical treatments, different approaches work for different situations, but I hope you find success. Best of luck to you!

      1. Always science-ing*

        And for any curious readers who aren’t familiar with EMDR it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a psychotherapy technique designed to help your brain process/reprocess memories, particularly tramatic events.

        Nameless Wonder: if I’m remembering correctly I did somewhere in the range of 6-10 sessions. I also successfully used it to deal with an unrelated episode of grief years later. Maybe 3-4 sessions for that.

    3. Nameless Wonder*

      Thank you both. It’s not such much whether to go for it, it’s whether to wait and not have to pay, or just pay potentially a grand or more to get it sorted now.

      I want to be better.

  90. DSH*

    Just an observation about the Saturday Open Thread….seems that I often see a lot of deeply personal posts from women about female issues that seem like they would be better off posting in a medical forum. I almost feel embarrassed on behalf of the male posters on this forum. Just wondering if any other men feel less welcome here because of it?

    1. Julia*

      Women talking about “female” issues – which are just health issues – aren’t doing it TO men, we are doing it because we want to talk to other posters here about it. Just skip the posts that aren’t relevant to you, just like I skip posts about meat recipes or cars.

      1. StellaBella*

        +1 Julia
        DSH: I spent a few years in a professional setting with / for women as part of a human rights organisation. We need to be heard – sometimes our board / training meetings would be hours longer than needed because some members in their daily lives in countries not the US/EU could never speak of these things in their home countries and as such topics of FGM, menstruation, violence, education, sanitary supplies in schools, female condoms to prevent STIs/violence/pregnancy and these topics needed a safe space to be discussed and strategised. AAM is similar. All views are welcome, but if PMS (post above) etc make you uncomfortable, maybe skip those, as Julia says. I skip some of the posts too – cannot take time to read 1,256 items when I have things to do, but want to skim to see which topics are being covered.

    2. Stan Lee (not the famous one)*

      Speaking as a male, womens’ posts about “female concerns” do not make me feel less welcome here at Ask A Manager.

    3. Red Reader*

      … are you seriously whining because you might have to see the word “menstruation” before you know that this post is not of interest to you so you can scroll past it and close up its comment thread and that makes you “embarrassed” and “less welcome”?

    4. Quandong*

      DSH, if you feel embarrassed, don’t read those posts. One of the great things about this site is that people feel secure and able to ask questions in an environment where they know the vast majority of other readers are kind.

    5. The RO-Cat*

      Since you asked specifically men on AAM, I’ll answer: no, I don’t feel less welcome. Maybe I’m an oddball, but I found in this type of threads things I shared with my wife and that she found useful / helpful / new to her. I also widened my vocabulary, since I’m ESL. All in all, at worst I skip the occasional thread and at best I learn new things.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yes, this! If a man were posting about a male issue, I’d probably learn a thing or two that could help a future partner, or help me understand his stuff a little better.

    7. Penguin*

      DSH-
      Nope, can’t say I feel unwelcome here because of anyone’s posts. Cis male here, for whatever that matters. People get to ask others for comments on just about whatever topic they wish, which is a marvelous thing. I’d guess that most recognize that this is a general forum for a broad range of topics and don’t expect a specialist’s level of expertise in any response. But since we’re all people here, we get to use this space to talk to other people.

      Are bodily functions gross? They can be. There are certainly things that I wouldn’t to read about… but that’s on me to read with care, not on anyone else to censor themselves. My feelings are my own responsibility. If I start to read a post and see that it’s on a topic that I don’t want to read right now, I can stop reading.

      DH, your embarrassment is your own. I know that cringy feeling well, the one I feel when someone does something and I imagine myself in their place and feel all the embarrassment that I would if I had done that thing… but all that means is that I would feel embarrassed if I did that thing. If someone feels comfortable enough to post (in an anonymous forum) a question… they can post their question. I have no right to police them, and couching it in terms of somehow “saving” them is… ickier by far than any question about menstruation or anything else could possibly be.

      This is Alison’s forum. She gets to decide what is acceptable here. The rest of us can either abide by that, or leave.

      This is the internet. Caveat lector: let the reader beware.

      1. Penguin*

        Apologies; you said nothing about saving and I projected my thoughts onto you. I retract that part; it does not apply. I believe the rest stands, though.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Female topics have been pushed under the table for most of time. And in part it’s due to (needless) embarrassment felt by everyone.
      People here are talking in a respectful manner and speaking clearly so that most will understand and follow along.

      Too many women have died because they were not informed.

      Now we just need to work on the men being informed about their own bodies, too. Maybe less men will die prematurely because they found accessible, easy to follow information.

      I am willing to bet that any man who came on here and asked in a sincere manner a question about men’s issues that question would also be handled in a respectful manner. (I am thinking of a friend who called up and said, “I have something personal to ask and no one else to ask.” He had a growth on his testicle. We talked about it, we developed a plan and now he is fine. Men should not have to walk alone on this stuff if they do not want to.)

    9. Apollo Warbucks*

      I’ve never seen anything posted that I would consider to graphic or inappropriate and most of the time it’s an interesting insight in to things that affect women that’s arent often talked about.

    10. GhostWriter*

      If a guy was embarrassed about women talking about “female issues” I would assume it was either because they weren’t old enough to date or because they had absolutely no females that they were close to in their life (friends or family). I’ve never had a problem with guys talked about “guy issues”–sometimes it’s actually interesting because then I get a little insight into something I haven’t experienced before or known about.

    11. Kate*

      I admit I find it weird. Not in the least because men shouldn’t have to read about women’s health issues (huh?) but because I feel like these are all concerns that should be taken to a doctor.

      …then I remember that the US doesn’t have universal health care, and this may be the best forum someone can afford for advice, and I go off thanking my lucky stars for the privilege I’ve got.

      1. GhostWriter*

        Even if you can afford to go to a doctor, they won’t necessarily help. I’ve gone to a couple doctors that were either absolutely useless or just crappy people. Unless you’re having a serious or possibly life-threatening issue, it can sometimes be better to try gathering information from YouTube, Google, forums, etc. before going to a doctor. (One of the useless doctors I went to actually told me they couldn’t tell me anything that I wouldn’t be able to find on google, which was extra sad because the only reason I went to them was because all the home remedies I’d been able to find on google didn’t work.)

        1. Nita*

          Yes, that’s it. You can take a few hours out of your schedule, make sure you have the savings for a copay and random lab bills, and head to the doctor. There you’ll get a five minute exam, and they’ll either not even notice your problem or, if you point them out, will tell you they’re in your head. I’ve seen this happen to too many people (men and women), with the result ranging from being in unnecessary pain for months, to permanently losing one’s fertility to a possibly treatable problem, to a drastically shortened life. You have to advocate for yourself, and even that’s not always enough. So I get the desire to go somewhere where others may “hear” you and ask – hey, have you dealt with this? Did you get answers?

          Of course I know a couple doctors that aren’t like that, but they’re in the minority by far.

          And it’s easy enough to scroll past these posts that I don’t think they make anyone feel unwelcome.

          1. Julia*

            This. I always tell my husband when he asks why I don’t “just” go see a doctor that he goes to see a doctor expecting to get his problem fixed. I go to see a doctor praying that I will at least be taken seriously.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I called a doc regarding a knee problem. The first available slot was two weeks out. Uh, I am in pain TODAY? So you go to the ER and get told, “oh you are just looking for drugs.” No, actually I prefer not to use synthetics. You go to the walk-in center and “why aren’t you at the ER?” grrr. At this point it was more of a pain in my butt than it is actual pain in my knee. I get sick of it fast.

      2. Anon For This*

        Exactly. We don’t all have health care, and sometimes (often?) our health care isn’t that great. I remember when you could go to the doctor and have a friendly conversation about what’s going on and what the options are. Now the tone is a lot more tense, and at times even confrontational. There isn’t much time to converse, and patients and doctors are sort of pitted against each other. They tend to argue with what you say and then try to pressure you into taking a certain drug. Or at least that’s become more common. This is a friendly sort of environment, so people enjoy bringing up all sorts of topics here.

        Also, I did think about putting a disclaimer on my post above since it is medical and graphic and potentially upsetting, but I decided it wasn’t really my place to decide what’s graphic enough to need a warning, you know what I mean? I know different kinds of things can make people uncomfortable. I don’t mean to bother anyone. But since it was a more urgent type of concern, I thought it was worth posting it. It’s fine with me if Allison chooses to take it down or add a content warning. I would understand that.

      3. dawbs*

        Even then….I have fairly awesome insurance. I also have a team of multiple specialists, several of whom are top in their field, that I work with. (saw 3 last week, see 2 tomorrow)…
        And somethings don’t come up.

        I ask questions, I read stuff, and, this past week I was googling about why I was so frickin hungry 24-7. And a medical message board helped me put 2 and 2 together that a medication we just tripled my dose of has the side effect of weight gain–but that the cause of that weight gain, which is NOT listed in the side effects, is, for some people, being super hungry.

        So, sure, that’s a health thing that I could ask my doctor…but I asked 47 million questions last week of all of them and there’s this tiny piece that fell through, and, God bless the internet and message boards (because webMD or the pharmacists’s slip wasn’t going to have this answer–they don’t list ‘starving and wiling to eat couch cushions’ as a side effect, they just list ‘weight gain’), I have an answer and can formulate a plan and good follow up for the next doctor tomorrow.

      4. Seriously tho*

        This is where I fall on this. I am uncomfortable with the M-F “never talk to your coworkers about their personal lives” slant, and then S-S the confessionals of mental and physical health, family matters, and so on. I fully support the destigmatization of mental illness and women’s health but I really don’t think a workplace advice column is the place to get reliable, personalized, expert answers. But I suppose desperation and isolation are what drive people to ask reddit, yahoo answers, or any online anonymous forum.

    12. NeonFireworks*

      I remember a short essay from the 1980s that opened with a story about a (cis)woman talking about menstruation in front of a bunch of (cis)men, and the author stopping to consider why her (her!) instinctive reaction was profound embarrassment. She turned it into a sort of sci fi alternate history thought experiment called “If Men Could Menstruate” (link in my username). The idea here is that society would look very different if monthly bleeding were a (cis)men’s issue for this species rather than a (cis)women’s issue. Anyway, I’m sorry to hear that you feel less welcome as a result of the body-talk, but I join several others here in suspecting that a big part of it is just social stigma of woman stuff. It benefits all of us to overcome that and support openness about everyday health (not even health problems – so-called ‘normal’ functioning) that affects a large proportion of human adults. Any place where menstruation gets talked about in a way that isn’t simply curt dismissal (and/or jokes at the expense of cis women) is a big improvement relative to a lot of the options.

    13. Rainy*

      Leaning hard into the old “men should never have to be reminded that not-men exist”, eh? Well…it’s a look, I guess.

    14. Anonymous Educator*

      I think any men who would feel unwelcome here because of women discussing “female issues” would also be able to find plenty of places on the Internet to discuss things without having to see such discussions.

    15. Les G*

      My dude, speaking as one of your mythical male posters, take it all the way away and keep it.

      It’s also oh-so-funny (and by funny I mean sexist) that you think this is a woman’s problem. Did you miss the very in depth conversation about which way certain male posters’ junk hung earlier this week?

    16. dawbs*

      It’s funny, for years I was SO invested in keeping things hidden…and I”m not sure why.

      I walk into someone’s bathroom, and I see toilet paper. which is a reminder that all humans have excrement and we use tools to remove it. Which…ew.
      If I walk into that same bathroom, and I see a container of tampons on the counter, it’s a reminder that half of all humans have menses, and we have tools to deal with it. which…eww, but not nearly as gross as excrement.

      So why is the toilet paper hanging on the bathroom wall (where it’s needed–because it’s not like a guest is going to be put in the position of asking for it–we want it accessible, right?) but my tampons are supposed to be hidden (accessible when needed) under the sink? It’s not about grossness (because TP is far FAR grosser than tampons). It’s about it’s femaleness.

      So I put feminine products in a cute basket and leave them on the counter, so the next time a female guest needs one, it’s accessible without asking. Because it’s less gross than TP.

      If you want to object to medical stuff, I can kinda get that. But objecting to it because you’re part of the privileged 50% that doesn’t have to deal with that? Yeah, you’re being redic. It’s not like we’re having a ‘lets see if we can gross out men with these stories’ threads–you’d KNOW if that was the point.

      1. Shell*

        I once went on a religious retreat to a monastery. They have lots of guests, but the monks who live there are all men. I stepped into the guests’ bathroom and saw (in plain sight) not just toilet paper, but tampons, and a box of pads. I thought that it was tremendously hospitable on their part both to realize that their female guests might need these things, and to place them in plain sight so no one would have to ask.

    18. Observer*

      Why does it make you feel less welcome?

      Do you worry that the general medical discussions will make healthy people feel less welcome? Or that the discussion of male medical questions will make women feel less welcome?

      I’m seriously trying to understand what you are getting at your thinking. Because the first thing that comes to mind is, as others have noted, a very high level of entitlement and sexism.

    19. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Not in the least. Stop feeling embarrassed on my behalf, that’s just projecting your own insecurities. I generally don’t weigh in on those posts because I think other women can better answer questions about womens’ health issues, and they do, even though I am in the health information sector and spent time as a health educator.

  91. my name is Sam, too*

    I am terribly sorry for your loss. It looks like Sam was a true gent. Both of my cats passed within a week of each other in April, of unrelated causes, and it was a really rough time. Pets are the family we choose, and it’s always devastating when they pass away.
    Go gently. All the best.

  92. old new driver*

    I used to drive a zillion years ago then I moved to big city US and haven’t really needed to drive, and since I didn’t like driving so much so let my drivers license expire (I had other state ID). However, I want to have this option now again and got my learner’s permit. Now I have to register in a school and do the training before taking the driving test. Everyone and everything I’ve read says it’s like riding a bike and I’ll remember how to do it. The choices are kind of mind boggling, going from how many lessons I would need to the cost, up to $500 for a 5 h package (but that school has the best yelp ratings FWIW). Have you learned to drive as an adult? Any suggestions on how to parse all these factors?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You got a booklet with your permit, right? So start there and read the book. Underline/highlight things that you have questions on. This will help you gauge how much help you need.

      I take it that you don’t have a car which is why you need a driving school. Perhaps you have a close friend or relative just waiting for you to ask them to help you?

      You don’t need the best school, you just need a good school. Pick one that is moderately price. Go over their offering. If you want you can call and ask “what if I feel I need more time?” Start there. Back to the friend/family member. You could do both, use the school and take the offer of help from that willing person.

      Unfortunately, here we don’t really learn to drive until AFTER we get our license. So basically to pass the test the examiner is going to be look to see if you can keep yourself and others safe. Are you careful, are you always thinking about the other person/cat/dog on the road? These are the types of things they consider.

    2. GhostWriter*

      I learned to drive in my mid-twenties.

      I took a bunch of half hour driving lessons that were supposed to be with the same teacher every time so that they could take notes on your performance and gradually have you do more difficult things, but I ended up with a different teacher for each lesson. That wasn’t too helpful–I kept getting conflicting advice and had to spend most of each lesson in a parking lot so that every new teacher could gauge my driving skills. If I took lessons again I would want to make sure I was actually going to have the same teacher every time, and I’d opt for longer lessons (maybe an hour?) because the half hour went by so quickly that it didn’t feel like I’d really accomplished much.

      I think what helped the most was driving with my mom on back roads early in the morning on weekends when there was no other cars around so I didn’t have to worry about driving too slow or hitting anyone.

      1. heckofabecca*

        Quiet back roads for sure! I’d start somewhere you know, if possible… but given that you’re in a big city, I might skip the futile search for quiet backroads and just use a cemetery. That’s where I started! Good luck!

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Another good practice location is a huge empty parking lot – like the beach in the winter, or the local ampitheater in the morning.

    3. Thursday Next*

      I learned to drive in the suburbs, then moved to a huge city abroad before moving back to a big U.S. city. I transferred my driver’s license while it was still valid, and kept renewing it to drive in the suburbs when I visited my parents, or rented a car on vacation.

      We bought a car six years ago though we still live in the city. So after 16 years of no city driving, I had to get comfortable with it quickly. Since city driving is a very different experience from driving outside the city, the driving school lessons are going to be very helpful to you. There aren’t a lot of empty parking lots around to practice in, so you’ll be out in real traffic—which is great, because you’ll be learning in the conditions you’ll have to drive in.

      I don’t know what the yelp reviews say about the less well-reviewed schools, but my advice would be to pick a school you feel confident about, because good instruction will make a big difference in (not gonna lie) occasionally daunting driving conditions.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’m doing this now in the UK (test on Tuesday!). I have a US license and drive all the time when I’m home, but due to the residency rules I’m not allowed to drive on it here. So I got an instructor and took a few lessons, mainly as practice and to get myself up to speed on British driving practices. But the core parts of driving (changing gears, steering, looking where I’m going and what’s around me, etc) have not been much of an issue.

    5. Bibliovore*

      I learned to drive for the first time at 56. I got my permit and a niece in her twenties picked me up from work about three times a week and I practiced driving on slow roads (25 mph speed limit) and roads with lots of stop lights and stop signs and around the neighborhood.

    6. UtOh!*

      I lived in MA for 10 years without a car (from age 25-35), and then had to re-learn how to drive before moving to CT where I had no choice but to drive everywhere. I took some lessons which were very helpful, but make sure you are not in a car with another student learning to drive (for the first time!). The other student was driving in the break down lane on the highway and it took everything in me not a freak out, absolutely terrifying. On the other hand, I took to driving like a fish to water and have not looked back. I still don’t like driving, but I’m very competent and have been doing so for almost 20 years. You’ll do fine!

  93. The Other Dawn*

    Why do cats wait until Saturday night when the regular vet is closed to develop some issue that probably requires a vet visit?? UGH, never fails. Leia, one of the females, started showing symptoms of a possible UTI late last night. I got her to drink some water last night by adding some water from a can of tuna and had her drink it again this morning. She ate really good and seemed normal, but the started with the litter box again. She pees a tiny bit, gets out and licks down there, then starts over again a few minutes later. At least something is coming out so it’s not likely she’s blocked. There’s also no blood. To the vet she goes tomorrow morning, unless she starts getting lethargic or shows other signs. Then I’ll have to bring her to the emergency vet today.

    1. cat socks*

      Hope she is okay until tomorrow! Emergency vet visits can be so expensive, but at the same time you don’t want her to suffer. It’s good you’re able to catch it early!

    2. Trouble*

      Hope she’s doing ok! Both my male cats showed urinary issues week before last and the tuxie did end up in emergency twice for it, getting a strong pain killer and antibiotics the second time as there was a lot of blood in his case.

      They have no infections, apparently UTI by bacteria is really rare in cats. They do have more struvite crystals than the vet would like to see but all his suggestions are things we already do. We have a cat fountain they love. They eat a grain free species appropriate food and get wet food twice a day. His final suggestion was Hill’s Science Diet urine formula but I’m not sure I can bring myself to feed them a cat food whose first ingredient is corn.

      Apparently these troubles often start with stress in cats. I’m like we have the same four cats we’ve had for a year now. The younger three love each other, the older one lives and let’s live. Nothing has changed in their lives to stress them. They’re indoor cats only. He says it could be down to more strange cats marking and being seen in our garden.

      Feeling you here, hope you get to the bottom for your kitty!

    3. L-cJ*

      chicken broth always really, really helps my old cat when she’s having trouble (necks are ideal for this, if you have them)

    5. The Other Dawn*

      She’s sleeping now. She seems herself other than frequent litter box visits. No blood in the urine and some is coming out each time. She will be going to see the vet tomorrow. If she was showing any pain, lethargy, blood, etc., I’d be bringing her to emergency vet today. I have 11 cats so I have to go through the whole triage thing every time they show symptoms. Most of the time it’s something minor and other times the vet is in order.

      1. Sabine the Very Mean*

        Soak a cotton ball in apple cider vinegar and rub on both front paws for her to lick off.

  95. quite anon this time*

    A family member asked to borrow money. Quite a lot of money. Said family member has a track record of not paying me back. I don’t want to loan any more. However, family member sounds fairly desperate although they are not really giving any actual details. And they are putting pressure on others for a loan.

    If I loan the money, I’ll feel like a sucker. If I don’t, others may decide to, and they can’t afford it as well as I can. And what if the prospective loan-ee really is in a pickle? Although I keep feeling they wouldn’t be so vague unless the real reason for the loan was something we wouldn’t be happy about.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      1) Don’t loan the money.
      2) To other family members, point out the record of not repaying and how vague this request is as warnings not to enable them. But you ultimately can’t control them.

      If it helps, if you say no and they say yes, I’d bet this family member will be back around again asking for more money soon enough, previous loan unrepaid.

    2. Rainy*

      Don’t give them the money. You might be able to afford a loan, but it’s not a loan, it’s a gift. Do you want to give this unreliable family member even more money? I suspect the answer is no, so don’t.

    3. buttercup*

      I wouldn’t do it. Based on what you wrote, it seems like this person will ALWAYS be desperate for a loan. It’s no different this time around.

    4. fposte*

      Honestly, I can’t imagine loaning somebody money if they’re not willing to say what it’s for, and I doubt that you loaning this person money will stop them hitting up others.

      It sounds like this family member has standing financial problems. If they’re willing to be candid with me about the specifics, I might be willing to help, and help could range from giving them money outright to paying a hospital bill directly to pointing them to decent credit counseling to calling the cops on their blackmailer. But without knowing why they want a significant sum of money, I’d be unlikely to do so.

    5. quite anon this time*

      Thanks for the replies. That’s what I was thinking too, mostly. Just feel a mix of guilty for not wanting to help (or maybe “enable”) and angry at person asking for loan.

      I also keep wondering what’s the worst that could happen if no one loans the person money. This is in the US. Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about that. The person has been quite good at bouncing back in the past.

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      I’ll feel like a sucker. If I don’t, others may decide to, and they can’t afford it as well as I can.

      That’s their choice. They shouldn’t be loaning this relative more money than they can afford to loan (or gift, in this case) out, but that’s their decision.

      And what if the prospective loan-ee really is in a pickle?

      The family member has refused to give you any details on what the loan would be for, so I guess finding out what it would be for would tell you what kind of pickle the person is in, and that might give you more information about whether you think it’s worth gifting this person the money or not.

      That said, just based on the information you’ve given here, I’m inclined to agree with everyone here that you should not give this relative money.

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I agree with others that you shouldn’t lend the money, especially if they are being elusive about the reason. If you feel like you really need to help them out, could you and the other folks being asked all help out? I have a sibling that asks for money (generally for things like car repairs and rent help) and my other sibling and I used to split it, until we decided to cut her off (for a variety of reasons, mainly to do with her reluctance to get a job).

    8. All day long*

      Don’t lend them money. My spouse and I lent a substantial sum of money to a family member and it has led to all kinds of unpleasant interactions and years of resentment. I know your relative is (almost certainly) not my relative, but family+money=danger.

    9. Anono-me*

      If you don’t want to say no and walk away. (Which you are perfectly entitled to do.)

      I would suggest requiring the relative requesting the loan provide all the details
      then having a couple of family meetings

      The first family meeting without the family member requesting the loan. The rest of the family can discuss what’s going on, the loan history, the non payment history, and what steps your family wants to take to actually help the person requesting a loan.

      Depending on what’s decided in the first family meeting, you can have a second family meeting to discuss what help help the family will offer the person requesting the loan.

      Please keep in mind that just because someone says that they really really need something that you have; doesn’t mean you have to give it to them.

    10. Aphrodite*

      Don’t loan any money at all. If you want to, you can give it to them as a gift.

      But … if you give it to them, the money you give may only solve whatever they are borrowing it temporarily. In other words, if they need money for rent, what are they doing to make sure they have rent next month (or will they again be in this same desperate situation). Is the situation they need the money for solved once and for all by this or not? If not, I would decline firmly and let them know you will NOT provide money now or in the future because it will only postpone the inevitable crash while teaching them them that begging on a weekly/monthly basis or for a given period of time will work. In other words, you teach them how long they have to beg to get you to say yes.

      Another thing to consider is what they are contributing to the problem’s solution. Let’s say it’s rent they are short of. Are they working? Full or part time? Have they attempted to get a second job? Have they contacted the landlord and attempted to work things out for extended payments this month? Can they use their credit card? (I know, not something you want to encourage but this is THEIR problem, not yours.)

      And finally, is this a one-time emergency? If so, I’d consider the gift. If not–if their problem is due to repeated behavior–then absolutely not. They’ll never reach bottom and they will never change their behavior that leads them to this problem if you keep bailing them out.

      It sounds tough, but that’s why it’s called tough love. You have to let them want to change their behavior and their choices or they may, like my sister, get to be 67 years old and expect others to take care of their needs.

      1. Rainy*

        I agree with all of this.

        I have an aunt who started small with being “unable to manage this month” when she was still young, and now, 40 years later, what she’s cost my grandparents first and last is in the millions. If they’d cut her off when she was young and her shortfalls were low stakes…well, who knows.

    11. Bagpuss*

      Don’t lend or give them the money, especially given their track record and lack of information about why they want it.
      You don’t have any obligation to give them an explanation but there would be nothing wrong or rude if you were to say to them that you will not give or lend them money, and that given they have not repaid earlier loan you are surprised that they asked you.
      If you *want* to, although you have absolutely no obligation, you could say to them that you will not lend them money but that if they want to tell you what they want it for, you are happy tohelp them look into options (for instance, helping them research things like whether they would qualify for food stamps or other help and how to apply)

      With regard to the other relations , they will of course have to make their own decisions, but you can, if you feel it will help (or so you feel you have at least tried) mention to them that you have been asked, and feel it would be a mistake to help out, given ‘borrower’s hitory of taking loans but not repaying them, and the fact that they are not willing to say what they need the help for. A statement “I won’t lend them any money, and I do’t recommend that you give them anything unless you would be 100% comfortable , both financially and in your relationship with ‘borrower’ , if you never got any of it back”

    12. The Other Dawn*

      “If I don’t, others may decide to, and they can’t afford it as well as I can.”

      Just because you may be able to better afford to loan money, it doesn’t mean that you shoulder that burden for the family. I’m in a similar spot where I’m the one that’s in a better position financially and family members, mostly on my husband’s side, seem to think we’re made of money. (And I have no idea why, because it’s not like we own expensive cars, take a bunch of vacations, etc. We just happen to have better-paying jobs, are don’t have as much debt as we used to, and don’t buy everything in sight.) When they need money or want something, they ask us. Rather, they HINT, hoping that we’ll pick up on it and offer to loan/pay. We used to feel guilty and do it, but not anymore. We never got the money back (if we loaned it) and very seldom got a thank you (when we either paid for something or outright gave them the money).

      Also, if the person isn’t willing to tell you what it’s for, then I definitely would not loan it. Especially with their track record of (non) repayment.

    13. AdAgencyChick*

      NO NO NO NO NO HELL NO.

      Look up family loans on Reddit if you need more reassurance that saying no is the right thing.

  96. narwhale of a tale*

    I have developed tendonitis in both my hand and foot. I’ve been prescribed physical therapy but, in the meantime, does anyone have thoughts/ideas on what sort of physical activity I can/should do?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Probably swimming.

      I would just start PT as soon as possible, because this really depends on the exact tendons and how bad it is, and a PT is going to give you appropriate exercises that target the precise location of the problem (not the muscle right next to it) and to the right degree. I’m always impressed in PT with how small the gradations are (“Move your arm here, here, here, here, here–” “AAH!” “Okay that’s your rotator cuff”) and how small the exercises that nonetheless are really, really hard when the therapist tells you now do 10 more;

    2. All day long*

      Do core and back exercises. Also maybe aqua robin type stuff, as long as you can avoid stressing the irritated tendons ( the kicking used in swimming can stress foot tendons, so ymmv). Stationary bike.

    3. Slartibartfast*

      Rest the affected areas as much as possible. Ice 20 minutes at a time at the most painful spot(s). Sleeping in braces that are snug but not too tight can be very helpful. Wait on exercises until you get to PT, and if the ones they prescribe hurt, don’t do them. Doing too much is far worse than doing too little at this point, tendons don’t have good blood supply as a general rule and take a lot of time to heal.

  97. Random person*

    Migraines are ruining my life. I seriously think all the typical causes that scientists have identified are the tip of the iceberg. They’re a mystery. I get them every day for weeks. It’s debilitating hell. It also messes with my neck BAD. My neck hurts just as bad as my head. Massages don’t scratch the surface.

    And you’re supposed to only take OTC meds like 10 times a month or you get rebound headaches. I sometimes try ice, and it works to an extent. But if that’s severe, the extent is very little.

    I’m miserable.

    1. Ali G*

      When was the last time you saw your doc? There are so many causes for migraines from environmental, to diet, to just plain bad luck.
      Have you been prescribed anything? Done an elimination diet? You shouldn’t just be suffering so much! My mom ended up having her adenoids removed and it changed her life.

    2. Anono-me*

      This sounded weird to me when I first heard about it, but have you considered getting the top part of your ear pierced?

      A friend of mine was talking about the meaning of each of her tatoos and piercings and explain that one pair of piercings was actually to prevent migraines. Another friend of ours asked about it in detail, because she had migraines and want up getting the same pair of piercings. The first friend said her migraines dropped by about 90% after she got the piercings and the second friend said hers dropped by about 60 to 75% after the piercings.

      Apparently there are piercing Studios where piercing professionals specialize in this type of piercing.

      Good luck and even if this isn’t for you I hope you find something to help.

    3. Rainy*

      Have you tried supplementing magnesium? I’ve had a couple of friends whose migraine frequency dropped DRAMATICALLY when they started taking cal-mag. I started taking it for neck spasms, which I was getting daily for a while, and I take a fizzy drink supplement. It’s almost magical.

    4. chi chan*

      Some doctors do Botox treatments for migraines if they are frequent enough. That might be something to look into.

      1. GhostWriter*

        One of my old coworkers that got migraines started using a combination of botox injections and some sort of medicated nasal spray, which seemed to help a lot.

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I was going to suggest asking about Botox too. Weirdly, haven’t gotten much traction with suggesting they put the extra around my forehead instead of inside my hairline… oh well

    5. Penguin*

      I get migraines periodically (formerly frequently; yay better living through chemistry) and I’ve had really good success with applying a heating pad to the back of my neck. I /think/ it has something to do with muscle tension, but beyond that I don’t know why it works. Might that help you?

    6. Book Lover*

      Occipital nerve blocks, physical therapy for neck…. Can be hard to tell if the neck is causing the head or the other way around sometimes.

      1. Julia*

        That’s what I wanted to suggest. I got physical therapy to help make my neck more flexible, as it wouldn’t move far in one direction and was causing me pain.

    7. dawbs*

      first, I”m sorry. It sucks.
      I take, literally, a dozen pills a day to keep them at bay.
      And, that makes me *just* enough better that insurance isn’t likely to pay for me to try one of the new injectables.
      And the ’cause’ is….heaven knows what. (hormones. which are 2 of the pills, in an attempt to keep them away. Jury is still out on that one.)

      I’ve found that, on the whole, my average neurologists were NOT HELPFUL. I paid a shit ton of money (in spite of good insurance) to go to specialists (in my case, MHNI in ann arbor, because of proximity) who helped a lot. Not better, but improved. They started me on the regimen of beta blockers(nadolol) and off-label antidepressant w/ pain-fighting-qualities (nortriptiline).
      After a while, I went back to a ‘regular’ neuro, because I was stabilized, and couldn’t swing the cash and time commitment. BUt I still recommend them highly. And to their recommendations, we’ve added a whole bunch of things over the years. to keep me stabilized.
      But the biofeedback I did there is still helpful, and they did more tests than anywhere else to rule out really scary stuff.

      spoons theory applies to migraines.
      And if you must soldier through, since I can’t wander around w/ an ice pack on at work, the stupid ‘use this for puffy eye’ rollers are helpful, as is hand sanitizer to feel cold in a pinch.

      1. Adele*

        If your health insurance will allow it, try to book an appointment with the chief of neurology at University of Toledo/Promedica Hospital. She is a headache specialist and excellent and caring physician.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Perhaps a chiropractor can help. Look for one who has been in the business for a while, greater than ten years. Ideally, they should also work with nutrition or other things, too. A good place to start is with referrals from friends/family whose opinions you respect.

      I still remember vividly a 9 week migraine I had in the 80s. (There were psychological components to this migraine, also. As I had walked away from a job that was probably the job of my life time.)
      I ended up changing my diet and having some adjustments done. I very seldom get headaches any more. Now, it’s the opposite, if I have a headache I know something is going on with my body and I need to check things out a little bit.

    9. Lou R*

      I also suffered migraines for years… did RX painkillers and the ice. I don’t like to think of all the fun I wasn’t able to have with my daughters because of the pain, and the fun I was supposed to have with my sister when she turned 50 but instead I was completely laid out in bed for days. I even had a friend tell me she and another stopped inviting me to join their fun because I would end up not going.

      In 2016, I was tested for allergies and found out I’m officially “allergic” to lemon and blueberries, and have a notable sensitivity to casein; as I’ve cut these and other things out of my diet (acted as my own guinea pig) my headaches have become manageable (soft cheeses, yogurt, ice cream aren’t good – but cheddar cheese great; lemon grass commonly found in teas, and red wine is not good – but gluten free vodka and unoaked white wine is great! Regular almond milk is good, almond milk with vanilla is not?!!) As headaches pop up, I have reflected on what I’ve eaten… yet, recently I’ve discovered the amount of sleep in which I indulge also affects me: more than 6 hours of sleep is NOT a good thing for me… so the journey continues.

      Hang in there, keep your spirits up, and most importantly: be kind to yourself, be gentle, and be as nurturing and understanding with your body as you would your best friend. Take care, I hope you also find something that helps you.

  98. Ali G*

    I have a 7 am flight tomorrow. All in all I have 12 hours of travel (at least) tomorrow – 2 flights, followed by a long shuttle to my destination, starting from when I get up at 4:45 am. I am dreading this week! I am also a terrible flyer (though I do it all the time) and not being able to do my typical routine (getting to the airport extra early to drink wine) is spiking my anxiety already. I know I won’t sleep tonight.
    I just need to get through this week! I can do it!

      1. Ali G*

        I’ll be with my boss and even then, the bars don’t open until after boarding starts. I guess I could chug some wine before I leave??? kidding/not kidding.

  99. Elizabeth W.*

    That time you can’t get your computer mouse to work so you go buy a new one and that still won’t work so you reboot and then uninstall and reinstall all your drivers and that still doesn’t work so you ask the entire internet for help and it turns out YOU PUT THE BATTERY IN BACKWARD

    IN BOTH MICE
    -_-

    2. Ali G*

      Oh man. You just reminded me of the time I was shopping online and was trying to decide between something at Williams Sonoma and Crate & Barrel. I had gift cards for both. I decided on WS and every time I put the card # in it wouldn’t accept it. I called customer service and the woman in the line was baffled. She put me on hold. It turned out I was trying to use the C&B card. I was mortified and hung up.
      On the upside…now you have 2 mice??

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh no, hahaha!

        Yeah, the mouse that wasn’t working initially is about three years old, so if it dies, at least I have a backup now. I put it back in the package and tucked it into my desk for future use.

      2. CAA*

        LOL. On a similar note, I once came back to my hotel while on a business trip only to find that my key card wouldn’t work no matter how many times I waved it at the lock mechanism. Trekked back to the lobby, was waiting in line for the desk clerk, looked at the card in my hand and realized I was holding my Metro card. Quietly stepped out of line feeling very thankful I hadn’t made it to the front before figuring that out.

        2. GhostWriter*

          My library card and health insurance card are both white with some black and blue text. I’ve given the wrong card to doctor office receptionists and librarians a few times.

    1. WellRed*

      This is the wknd thread, no work. I’ll answer and see if I get caught. Figure out what to wear tonight, bring a simple lunch/snacks, go to bed early, leave enough time in the morning to arrive on time. Good luck!

  101. Elizabeth West*

    There are two women who started coming to my dharma group and I like them very much. One of them is a nerd and she hadn’t seen all the MCU films and neither of us had anything better to do, so she came over to my house yesterday and we spent hours watching the four films she hadn’t seen. We ordered pizza and it was SO MUCH FUN.

    Fingers crossed for having actual friends who actually want to actually hang out.

  102. Anono-me*

    To all of the AAM readers that recently lost an animal friend:

    There are some animal shelters and food shelves that will take opened containers of dry food and litter. (Not all, but some.)

  103. EddieSherbert*

    Had a really tough weekend. I volunteer with an animal rescue group and am one of the more experienced kitten fosters. I got an approximately 8 day old kitten with a URI (cat cold) Friday evening. Yesterday, one of my former fosters who was adopted last month crashed really quickly, went to the vet, and died from FIP (a rare but 100% fatal mutation of a common virus in cats). I met the adopter at the vet and helped walk her through things, he went peacefully, and she was so kind about it (when I’ve had adopters treat me like crap about far less severe illnesses that happened much later after adoptions). Then, today the ill kitten I got on Friday passed away. Again, he went peacefully, and I remind myself that at least he knew love and warmth for a brief time.

    My heart is a bit broken today.

    1. Bowserkitty*

      Oh jesus, I want to cry. I am so sorry for all of this. The best thing to remember is definitely that they felt love in that time period. You’re doing an amazing thing.

    2. Cowgirlinhiding*

      Sorry about these little kitties. What can you do for a cat cold? I think one of my little ones might have a cold and I don’t want it to spread to the others.

      1. EddieSherbert*

        Separate the sick one from any other kitties and clean, clean, clean! URIs are contagious. Take sick kitty to the vet. The name “kitty cold” is misleading because it’s not really like human colds – they can be far more serious and don’t usually just go away on their own in a reasonable time period.

        From there, it totally depends on age. This guy’s eyes weren’t even open yet, so he only had a slim chance :( We have an incubator to help regulate body temperature for itty bitties and a nebulizer to help with breathing (nebs fairly easy to DIY with a feral den or even like a plastic tub if you don’t mind ruining it). But the biggest issue with one that small is losing weight, because it’s hard to get them to eat enough when they’re all stuffed up and can’t breath + eat at the same time.

  104. Bowserkitty*

    Alison my heart breaks for you ;( Sam definitely was loved and had a great home.

    I miss my furbaby so much; he is living with a friend while I try to find a new home for us both in Japan and she rarely updates me on how he is doing. Given that he is a total mama’s boy who got attention on the daily (and he was SPOILT!!) I worry how the bare minimum is treating him, and if he is asking for pets like he should. </3

    Just a few more months I hope.

  105. Amelia Pond*

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost both my girls in 2017, at 19 and 20 years old, and it’s so unimaginably hard. They leave their tiny paw prints all over our hearts when they go and we are better people for having earned their love and trust. I’m not in any way religious or spiritual but I choose to believe they really are waiting for us at the Rainbow Bridge.

    Take good care of yourself this week. I know a lot of people think it’s silly to take a few days off work when a pet dies, but I think *everyone* would understand.

  108. Environmental Compliance*

    Late to the game, but we spent most of the weekend at furniture stores and now will have a kitchen table! Hubs does not understand why I’m so excited about a kitchen table. I grew up eating at one every meal, we’d color there, it was a main part of family activities. His family grew up eating on the floor/couch in front of the TV. Plus, we found a kitchen table that looks very similar to the one I grew up with, in the style I love! And I convinced him that we need one of those super fluffy circular spinny chairs! Our house that he complains is so empty will now finally feel like it’s in use, lol.

  109. Susana*

    Alison, Sam looks like a really good kitty. I’m sorry for your loss – people who never had cats sometimes don’t understand how much emotional support they give.

Comments are closed.