what’s the worst case of helicopter parenting you’ve seen at work?

by Alison Green on June 6, 2019

In response to last week’s post about the father who got on the phone with questions during his daughter’s job offer, some readers asked to hear more about parents trying to interfere with their adult children’s careers. So, what’s the worst case of helicopter parenting you’ve seen at work? Share in the comments …

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  1. Lady Olenna Tyrell (RIP)*

    I work at one of those high schools where someone has to die for a position to open, and we had a guy apply over a hundred times (not kidding!) for an instructional position. He applied several times in one day by fax (this shows you how long ago this was.). A nicely dressed older man came into the main office after months of “no thanks” with a printed resume and out of nowhere began yelling at the principal about NOT GIVING HIS SON A CHANCE and it didn’t take long to realize that he was referring to Mr. Multiple Applications. Later he apparently went to the school board to demand why his son wasn’t hired. They declined to follow up with him and told him that his 30+year old son needed to handle it himself.

    1. Jennifer*

      I bet dad was the one applying for him. The son may not have even known about it lol.

      2. Flyleaf*

        Some parents can get desperate when their kid won’t move out of the basement until they have found the perfect job, so they take matters into their own hands. Sometimes this means badgering a potential employer until the kid has an offer in hand.

        1. Gazebo Slayer*

          And some are just interfering busybodies… we’ve definitely seen AAM letters from folks whose parents did what Jennifer is guessing.

      3. AMT*

        “Jesus, Dad, I’m a fully employed electrician and I live three states away!”

        “Nonsense! Wouldn’t you love to be back in Omaha with us? We could set you up in the attic!”

  2. animaniactoo*

    I have nothing to offer but this popcorn to share while reading… iced tea over there on the table, help yourselves.

    2. Nicelutherangirl*

      Would anyone care for a pizza roll? They’re fresh out of the oven, not the microwave!

        1. Contracts Killer*

          If you haven’t had them yet, the buffalo chicken snackers from Michelina’s are life changing and they are perfectly crispy after 88 second in the microwave (yes, I’ve eaten them enough to master the timing). Bonus if you dip them in blue cheese dressing. Crap, now I’m hungry.

    5. SophieChotek*

      Oh good, I was hoping someone brought popcorn.

      Please help yourself to my fully stocked fridge – it has imported German Beer, Coke, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, bottled water, Orange Juice, Grape Juice, Ginger Ale, Diet Ginger Ale, Fanta, and champagne, 2% milk, Starbucks Iced Coffee

      (Actually this really is what is in my fridge. And this is why there is no room for anything else. I like having beverage options for when guests come over?)

      1. MeganK*

        I am weirdly relieved not to be the only person out there with a beverages…issue, maybe, let’s call it? My spouse gives me enough side-eye about it that I try to restrain myself, but I just…really like juice. And coffee. And beer. And iced tea. I like to have choices, ok?!?!

        But yeah, finding room for all the things in the fridge is definitely a problem.

        1. SophieChotek*

          Yup, you are not alone. =)

          Yeah I need an extra mini-fridge…and an extra-mini-freezer. Honestly, I should have a whole 2nd one…but no room.

          Had no idea this comment would inspire others, LOL…

          BTW – I have a coffee maker, a French press, and a tea kettle if we need hot beverages….

        2. All the tea*

          I too am very happy to see that there are others who have many beverage options (especially for guests) who aren’t related to me.
          Do you want tea? I have 20+ kinds of loose leaf? Coffee, I can make you that. Water of course, maybe even sparkling (and possibly flavoured sparkling). Is it summer, then of course I have iced tea. Oh and juice, there’s juice too.
          Do you need white or brown sugar, honey, or maple syrup for your tea/coffee? Soy or rice milk?

      2. CoffeeforLife*

        So happy to have a second fridge dedicated to just beverages! Yes, it’s an energy vampire, but it keeps my beer, rosé, cider, red bull, kombucha, juice, vodka, etc cold and ready!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I don’t let people put beverages in my main kitchen fridge, except the communal milk. “But we like cold soda!” THAT’S WHY THERE’S A MINIFRIDGE IN THE BASEMENT AND A FULL SIZED FRIDGE IN THE GARAGE, YOU HEATHENS.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            AAAH I am not the only one with a fullsized extra fridge. My husband’s request for a “beer fridge” morphed from bar sized to 3/4 size when he saw them… and so it’s been taken over by food. We can buy BULKY food in bulk now LOL.

          2. Perse's Mom*

            This brings back memories of my great-grandma’s house and I never even thought about it before now – the kitchen fridge was basically for cooking (because there must always be enough food to feed a medium-sized army of relatives who might descend upon the house at any given moment), so the only ‘drink’ in there was milk. All the other beverages were indeed in the full sized fridge in the garage!

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Exactly! My kitchen fridge is for the food I buy. The garage fridge is 80% exclusively used by the housemates for whatever extra they bring in – I do all the cooking, their rent includes a food allotment, but it doesn’t include beverages and everything I buy is communal, so if someone wants their own ice cream they buy it, etc – though I do take most of it over the week before Thanksgiving to hold the goodies for my Feast, and the week after to hold the leftovers. Then all the booze that requires refrigeration goes in the mini-fridge downstairs.

          3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            Ha, I had not realised how much this was a thing in my family until just now. I just came back from a trip home and everyone has an old fridge in the garage with soda, beer, extra vegetables, etc in it. My grandma has two, one in the garage and the one that was my grandfather’s homemade kegerator in the shop. Here in the UK I barely have room for one tiny fridge!

        2. Flash Bristow*

          Same here – diet coke, 7up free, cherry 7up free, real ales, wine. Hooray!

          And then sometimes my husband adds diet irn-bru. Oh well.

        3. TardyTardis*

          We have a second fridge out in the shop, but that’s where the extra-sharp cheese (properly dated) goes to live for a couple of years till it gets *good*. Also, all the extra leftovers at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Currently hold the aforementioned cheese, various fancy beers we have pretty much forgotten about, and pickles.

      3. Pebbles*

        Everyone is welcome to my wine fridge, my hard cider fridge, or a mixed beverage with what I have in my bar. If you want water, we have filtered stuff in the fridge and bottles in the pantry. Lemonade is also in the fridge.

        1. Pebbles*

          The lemonade and the filtered water are in the kitchen fridge.

          (My cube-shaped kingdom for an edit button…)

          1. Pebbles*

            I sure do! I shop at Total Wine and love to try the different ciders. My regular ciders are Smith & Forge and Strongbow, but currently there’s also Magner’s, Seattle’s Oaked Maple, Maiden Rock’s Scrumpy, Ace Pineapple, and Uncle John’s Apple.

            (And this reminds me to pick up some more for the weekend.)

            1. Pippa*

              *adds Pebbles to Christmas card list*

              Samuel Smith’s organic cider is quite nice, too, but I don’t know if Total Wine carries it.

            2. Rivakonneva*

              Total Wine! I love that store, but we don’t have one where I live. I have to drive to the next state to visit theirs. :(

              Their craft beer section is so much better than anything we have locally.

      5. Lurk Til I Can’t Help Myself*

        Yes! I have two kinds of wine, Pepsi, ginger ale, some wonky cola my bff loves, milk, original Gatorade, a couple of white cherry Gatorades (blasphemy!) grape Propel fitness water, “unflava” water, and a couple of peach Smirnoff thingies someone left.

        But I always leave room for condiments.

        1. TardyTardis*

          I have a couple of cases of Three Buck Chuck (sales tax) and several bottles of the last of the Good Stuff. Italian reds, yum!

        1. T. Boone Pickens*

          If anyone needs ‘the good ice’ for their beverages, my Opal is ready to go!

    8. Phx Acct, now with dragons*

      I’ve got some mango pinapple salsa, freshly made with onions and peppers from the garden. Does anyone have a bag of the good chips?

  3. Valprehension*

    Ohhhhh, I’m looking forward to the comments on this one.

    Last year one of my coworkers (mid-to-late 20s, in an established career path) was quite sick, for an extended period of time. She was away from work for about a week, tried to come back but clearly wasn’t up to it, and wound up calling in sick again after that. But for some reason, when she called in sick for the second stretch of time, *after* she had already made the call and spoken to our manager, her mother decided to take it upon herself to also call, speak to the manager and make it *very* clear that under no circumstances should Coworker be allowed to return to work yet.

    It was… something.

    1. Landshark*

      That certainly sounds like something. I’ve had to have my husband make a call in for me precisely once because my voice was completely shot (to the point where I couldn’t even whisper!) and, at the time, I didn’t work at a place that allowed emails to call out of work.

      But having someone else NOT being the one to make that call, but instead make a SECOND call? Hoo boy. I can only hope that this wasn’t at Coworker’s request and that she was as mortified as everyone else.

      1. Amber T*

        Oh jeez. Yeah it sounds like coworker was handling it well, and Mom decided it would be a good idea to make extra sure.

        1. Psyche*

          Or that Mom didn’t trust coworker not to go in and was trying to force coworker to stay home.

          1. Valprehension*

            This is what I figured was going on! I think her mom was angry she’d tried to come back before she was ready, and wanted to make sure we wouldn’t “let” her do that again XD

            Though to be fair, we had all talked her into going home early the day she tried to come in – we have generous paid sick leave and there’s no point in coming in when you’re really ill.

      2. Allornone*

        That happened to me setting up the interview for my very first job! My soon-to-be boss left a message to arrange a time, and I was sick with strep throat. Absolutely no voice at all. My older sister had to call on my behalf. Fortunately, soon-to-be-boss was an exceptionally kind, understanding motherly-figure (it was a work-placement job on campus in college, so she was used to hiring students; she turned out to be an absolute joy to work for, and her banana bread was amazing), and didn’t seem to mind. I was good by the time the interview came around.

        1. Pebbles*

          Similar, CurrentJob called at about 10AM to set up an in-person interview for an internship while I was still living with my parents. At the time I was working a night job stocking shelves at big box retailer and had gotten home around 7AM. So naturally when the hiring manager called and got my mom on the phone, she said that she’d have to see if I was awake. Didn’t mention anything about how I was working 3rd shift, no, now their first impression of me is that I might be lazy. Note: it’s okay to wake me up for this kind of call rather than asking them to leave a message!

        2. DollarStoreParty*

          My sister, at age 45, had complications from pancreatitis and ended up with ICU Delirium. We had to take her phone away from her. As her older sister (our parents are gone) it fell to me to deal with her boss, who would not accept that the extent of her illness was none of her business and she’d be back when she was well – rumors were flying that she was dying, or dead, which she was not. When she did finally return to the real world, and eventually work, her boss’ only comment was “Your sister is really protective of you.”

            1. Pomona Sprout*

              Holy crap, thst was a fascinating (and disturbing) read! I never heard of ICU delirium, but having spent 5 days in an ICU a few months ago after open heart surgery (I’m fine now, thanks), I can relate to these patients. The ICU is a very surreal environment; among other things, you lose touch with things like the passage of time, you have no sense of whether it’s night or day, etc. It’s quite disorienting, and I can easily imagine losing one’s grip on reality. I did okay, and yet I still remember a sense of unreality, almost like being in a sort of suspended animation. It doesn’t surprise me that some people have a bad reaction, especially those who are intubated, immobile, subjected to repeated procedures, etc. for extended periods of time. Yikes.

              1. Adminx2*

                Off topic, I’ve only been on serious pain and recovery meds once after appendicitis and I immediately realized I needed to set clear alarms for my different pill schedules. Within a single day I understood how easily people can mix up their meds and accidentally overdose since all I did was lay down, wake up, take meds and repeat.

            2. Harper the Other One*

              I have a friend who is an ICU nurse and she says they try to put conscious patients in a room with a window to help with this – apparently part of the problem is that your circadian rhythm gets out of whack when you have NO access to natural light. But she admitted that it’s a real challenge because so many of the contributing factors just can’t be fixed without compromising patient health.

            3. Flash Bristow*

              A friend of mine had several spells in ICU; she said everyone was offered counselling on leaving as it was so traumatic having been aware while there.

              Now I see why…

          3. CanadianDot*

            ICU delirium is terrifying! I was taking care of my brother in the hospital for a couple of weeks, leading up to and then following major surgery. Because of his condition and physical needs, he ended up in the Vascular Surgery aftercare ward the whole time – basically, other than him, if people stay in that ward for very long, it’s because they’re doing REALLY poorly. In that two weeks, we saw a number of people with delirium, who must have been so, so very frightened.

          4. many bells down*

            Ooooh that explains why my nurses were so concerned when I was coming out of anesthesia after heart surgery last December. I take a very long time to properly wake up from anesthesia, so I kept falling back asleep but I never stopped talking. Even when I was asleep. I’d just change subjects mid-sentence.

            So yeah I probably sounded pretty delusional. Once I was fully awake (which took probably until the next morning, after I got some real sleep) I was fine.

      3. Chocoholic*

        I had to have my husband call me in once as well. I was in labor and he was driving me to the hospital. That’s the only time.

      4. Glitsy Gus*

        My roommate had to call my boss for me once when I was in the hospital with appendicitis. He’s a good friend. Apparently he called the wrong person, my coworker on my team rather than my boss, and was basically, “You don’t know me, but you need to know that GG is in the hospital.” It all worked out, coworker passed along the info and I gave them the full story when I was actually able to string words into real sentences.

    3. Last Cookie LW*

      I had a coworker use her mom to call in. This was after coworker was out for multiple days in a row. After mommy called, coworker shows up on social media doing not-stuck-in-bed-incapacitated things that we know were in real time because it included an event that was only that day.

    4. What's with Today, today?*

      My husband called in for me once, but I had gone into labor 5 weeks early, so…

    5. The Blue Marble*

      I once had a parent call me offering to “act as the mediator between myself and her daughter” due to the performance issues I was having with the employee. She felt I was “being mean” to her daughter and said she knew she could help. I responded that it was “inappropriate for me to discuss any work issues with her.” (Her daughter was having performance issues and refused to accept guidance). And this was a 30-ish aged employee!

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        That one’s meme-worthy. I shall refrain but imagine the thwap-thwap-thwap of a helicopter here.

    6. Anonymeece*

      I had an employee who was in his late 70s – early 80s. He called me to let me know he had a medical emergency and would be in the hospital the next couple of days, but he’d be back after that. I could hear in the background his adult daughter going, “Dad, no, no, give me the phone, Dad!”. Then suddenly she broke on and said very politely, “Ms. Meece, I’m afraid dad’s going to be out longer than that.”

      To be fair, he actually needed more like a month to recover, so I understand where daughter was coming from, not wanting to endanger his health, and I stressed that his health was more important and it was completely okay to take all the time he needed.

      1. Fiddlesticks*

        Ha! This is the first comment I’ve read about “helicopter childing” (is that a word??), but in this case it seems like it was the appropriate thing for the daughter to do. My dad, who is now 76, had an extremely strong work ethic, and only called in sick ONCE in forty years, when he had to have surgery…and same thing, he told his boss he’d be back at work in a few days, and his surgeon basically said “If you don’t tell them you’re going to be out for at least two weeks, I’m going to call them and tell them myself!”

        But I never thought of calling up Dad’s boss myself…oh man, Dad would’ve killed me!! LOL

        1. Kimmybear*

          My sister could have written this. I think my mom called my dad’s boss when he was out for a few weeks after a major medical incident but my mom had known the boss for 30+ years.

        2. Chinookwind*

          Current boss’ wife did this. He had a brain aneurysm and fully expected to be back to full steam within a month. Uh…no. He ended up needing his wife to drive him for a few months and she and I (and a few other staff members) coordinated through her about getting him to take it easy and go home on time. She even had her own (previously empty) office where she could read a book when he was suppose to be there for only a few hours. And she would call in to tell us he wasn’t coming because he was still sleeping

          It was helicopter spousing at its finest and probably saved us all some frustration during his recovery.

          1. Gazebo Slayer*

            I’m stealing “helicopter spousing.” We’ve had a lot of letters like that… though most of them nowhere near as justified!

        3. Samwise*

          I had pneumonia, kept going in to work, got sicker and sicker. My doctor finally said, either you call your boss right now, or I’ll do it. Lol, she would have too.

      2. Anon for This*

        See, this is why I was the one to contact my Dad’s boss and tell her he was in the ICU. I also told her that he said to say might be able to work in a few days if someone brought his work laptop to the hospital… but that he was the only one who thought that was the case.

        For context, they’d worked together close to 20 years at that point. And I also worked on projects that involved them both, and some of his work tasks were deliverables for my department.

        And even then, I only passed along his laptop suggestion because I knew he’d follow up on it when she called to see how he was.

      3. Mel*

        This is my thinking of why the mom called in. I’m thinking she knew her daughter would likely try to come in before she’s really physically ready. Of course, the situation you listed is a little better, because your employee was on the line and it’s obvious that the daughter cut in to advocate for her father.

    7. Tisme*

      That’s bad.

      I admit to taking the phone off my younger brother and telling them he’d not be coming in.
      We shared a house. He got me because he had no focus to punch in his works number. I was hanging around in case he needed help getting back to his room or such. His boss knows he has a 30 odd mile drive to work, its a night shift and my brother is their normal ‘go to’ person for when other are sick etc. He told them how unwell he was. Its something he seems to get once a year and he’s been ‘sent home’ in the same state when he’d gone to work because he’d not realised how bad he was. His boss then started to cajole him into going in. Being unwell my brother’s will power was zilch, so he caved.
      At that point I took the phone, said that ‘Bro looks like death warmed up, he’s hardly functional so I won’t be letting him drive. He’ll call you tomorrow with an update on how he is.’ I hung up. My lil bro thanked me, then I helped him get back to his room.
      When he got back to work, his boss apologised, said she should know better, that if my bro was taking time off, he needed to be off.

      I’d do that sort of helicoptering again, because the drive to work could have seen him hurt or kill himself or someone else.

      1. Busy*

        Yeah, I did that for my sister when we were younger. Only with her, she was too afraid to call off work at Subway? So, I had pretended to be her and did it.

        We are in our mid-thirties now and I HOPE she still isn’t afraid to call off sick lol.

      2. Observer*

        That’s not really helicoptering. It’s good to remember that interference is USUALLY a bad idea, that ARE *absolutely* exceptions. You probably saved your brother’s life, from what you say. So, yeah, TOTALLY justified.

        Allison, could you do an open thread on the BEST cases of “helicoptering” people have seen?

        So much of what we are seeing cringe-worthy or worse. But stories like this are nice. It’s a good counterpoint.

      3. Frea*

        Yeah, I did this with my brother when he was sick to the point of nearly passing out and his work wouldn’t accept that he couldn’t make it in. Kind of amazed I didn’t get him fired by telling his boss that he was sick, finding coverage should be the manager’s job and not his because he sick with a doctor’s note to prove it, and to stop calling him. Instead, I earned a reputation around his company of being something of a hard*ss, which is amusing to me to this day, as I am very much conflict avoidant.

      4. Perse's Mom*

        My brother has called in for me twice – once when I was so sick I was barely coherent at Old Job (which then called me for hours because he didn’t know so he’d just called the main line and left a voicemail so the office didn’t know where I was… except checking those voicemails is something they were supposed to do as part of opening duties) – and once at Current Job after an accident over a weekend that had left me hospitalized with a concussion.

    8. Southern Yankee*

      I once had a boss at VP level who was shopping his 30+ married-with-kids-son for a job working for me. I declined with vigor because of the direct reporting relationship, but son was hired by another group with a dotted line to VP dad. A couple months later, I’m doubly glad I resisted when the boss of spoiled son tells me that son is sick, but son didn’t call in sick, VP dad did. Son & family didn’t live with dad, so he had to call dad to tell him he was sick – he could have just as easily called boss! I know VP dad who was otherwise a reasonable guy had no clue this was completely overstepping.

    9. Kimberly*

      Could it be that the Mom didn’t know if the daughter could call in and make herself understood?

      My sister called my boss to tell them I wouldn’t be in for a couple of days, after getting a phone call from me asking how I had gotten to the hospital and why I was admitted. I had gotten a face-full of dust from trash bags that had deodorizer “built” in. I remember taking a shower, taking some medicine and sitting down on my bed. Woke up on the cardiac ward of a hospital 17 miles away (across the street from my sister’s house). My sister called the school to make sure my classroom (I taught 4th grade at the time) was covered. She wasn’t sure I was coherent enough to call in. I had, but it had been flagged by the district level person. Sounded high or drunk. Sis explained that I have an extream loopy reaction to the medication they have to give me for an allergic reaction.

    10. Winry Rockbell*

      Not helicopter parenting, but —
      My brother, sister, and I are Irish triplets, each a year apart from the next, and for a year and a half we all worked different shifts and departments at a big-box store in a small town. I worked first shift, my brother worked second, and my sister had a weird shift that ended after second shift did but before third broke for dinner. Rather than mess with trying to call in and hope someone happened to be in the office, we all just texted each other and relayed our siblings’ call-outs to management. When our family had several deaths in rapid succession, I was the one who arranged and filed the paperwork for bereavement leave all three of us, since I was the first one in.

      1. Former Employee*

        How cool! While it might have been quite a few years of chaos for your mom when you guys were little ones, it sounds like a lot of fun for you, especially as older kids/adults.

  4. JokeyJules*

    in college, a girl in the dorm room next to me, her mother would come visit her every other day.
    At first i thought “wow, they’re super close!” then i realized her mom was coming every other day to clean her room, fill her car with gas, look over her daughters assignments before they were due to fix them and make sure they were perfect, etc. I became friendly with the girls roommate who confided in me that this girls mother would call her every morning to wake her up, remind her to eat, and call her around 10:30 every night to tell her to go to bed. every weekend the mom would drive over an hour to spend the day with her, brushing her hair and cleaning up after her. as if she were a toddler. This poor girl had almost no friends because they all had to be “vetted” by the mom and if the mom didn’t like them then they couldn’t be friends. It’s not even like the mom just really wanted a good friendship and relationship with the daughter, it really was that she felt her adult child couldn’t be left alone for more than 48 hours without the mom coming by.

    This girl had no disabilities or other issues that would make this a reasonable thing. Her mother had just been doing it for the last 20 years so why stop now.

          1. Busy*

            My freaking aunt is like this with my cousin. My cousin is a freaking Physician’s Assistant and her mother still does this.

            And why is my cousin a PA and not a doctor? Because her mother told her of course she is too dumb to be a doctor and tanked her confidence. So PA she is, and her mother STILL does this.

            I keep trying to pull her aside at family functions and tell her the importance of starting to create boundaries with her mother who is, on top of all of the controlling behavior, and not likely surprising at all, an emotional vampire.

            1. Punk Rock PA*

              *physician assistant. And currently, it is more difficult to get into than some med schools. The acceptance rate at my school was 3% when I went, now it’s under 1%. Med school was my back up plan.

              Sorry, but PAs get a bad rap because of things like this, but we’re actually medical providers in our own right.

              1. Thursday Next*

                PAs are great, for sure, but being told you’re too stupid to enter the profession of your choice is hurtful.

              2. Sarah*

                And a lot of med schools are more competitive than some PA schools. I don’t think that’s an indicator of one being better (or requiring more intelligence) than the other. Same with saying that med school was your backup plan– that doesn’t prove PA school is better in any way (maybe it was better for you, in your specific case, of course). I have seen, as of late, efforts to show that other healthcare fields are better than doctors (saw a poster from a nurse’s association to this effect, something saying they have a heart of a doctor but additionally all these other great qualities, implying that doctors don’t have those qualities). I think we need to stop comparing and realize that whether it is doctors, or nurses, or PAs, or physiotherapists, each has their own type of training/licensing and can be valuable parts of the healthcare team of a sick patient. They each have different, important roles, with some overlapping ones.

        2. Gazebo Slayer*

          Yeah, the “vetting friends” thing is isolating her daughter – a textbook abuse and control tactic.

      2. Allison*

        Yeah, it reminds me of Gypsy Rose Blanchard’s mom Dee Dee. Not as bad, obviously, but still . . .

        1. Jennifer*

          Jinx! Just said the same thing. It’s more than just a mom that can’t let go of her kid. That’s wanting to keep her a kid forever.

      3. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        Definitely. At best, this is a great way to destroy your child’s ability to cope in the world. At worst, it’s abuse.

    2. MaureenSmith*

      My sister had someone in her dorm like that. Over time, the rest of the floor encouraged and educated her on independent living. There was a small party the first time she did her own laundry.

        3. CDM*

          Actually, tangentally related.. my mother tells the story of chatting with a middle manager at Sikorsky at some function, and asking her what her team did at the manufacturing plant. Cue the look of, “what are you, stupid?” and the incredulous reply: “I… manage.”

          ummmkay then.

      3. M&Ms Fix lots of Problems*

        I actually had two college roommates who had no clue how to do laundry because mommy had always done it for them. One had actually made it all the way to 21 because she then conned prior roommates into doing her laundry along with theirs. I didn’t ever do her laundry – but did give her a choice, either I will teach you or you can take it to Jane in building 22 who charges by the pound to do others laundry.

        1. Nicelutherangirl*

          When my ex-husband’s cousin went off to college and got his own apartment, he had to call his mom to ask her how to use the toaster. No lie. I think it was a one-off, though, and he outgrew the average late teen and twenty-something male immaturity to become a really good guy, and a great husband and father.

          1. BeachMum*

            I’ll admit to two things I did when I first moved into my own apartment at 18:

            I called home to get help because the oven needed to be cleaned and I couldn’t find the self-clean button. After my mother stopped laughing, she explained that this is what Easy-Off was for.

            I also called home to ask how to fix our freezer, which was significantly smaller because of the ice accumulating inside of it. Again, after she stopped laughing, she explained how to defrost a freezer.

            I did, however, know how to do my own laundry, cook, and mostly clean.

            1. Winry Rockbell*

              When I was 18, I called my mother to ask how to buy pillows, because I had no idea what all the different words meant and the packaging for the pillow cases had no guidance. After she got done laughing at me, she told me what kind of pillows I like.
              When I was 22, I was buying rum to make a cake with and I had to call her to find out what a reasonable price/brand was for this purpose. She passed it off to my dad, who told me Malibu would be fine and then laughed at me for not asking any of my same-age friends. In my defense, the rum wasn’t for drinking and none of them know how to bake!

        2. Lurker*

          My s.o. earned money in college by (over)charging the rich kids to do their laundry because they had no idea how to do their own.

          1. DataGirl*

            When my dad was in the Navy (in the 60’s) he earned money by doing basic hemming and other minor sewing- no one else on the ship knew how. That was more of a gendered thing, but he still found it very amusing.

            1. Asenath*

              You’d think it was gendered, but I had a female roommate in university who couldn’t sew on a button or hem a pair of slacks or a skirt.

              1. Canonical23*

                It is gendered. Not every woman can sew, true, but on average more women than men can because of gendered socialization.

                I was the only woman on my college’s debate team for awhile and I started charging the men 5$ for suit repairs.

                1. SigneL*

                  Sadly, I am sewing-impaired. I suppose I could sew on a button, I just choose not to. In college, we had to sew our own choir skirts (!) and I put mine together at the very last second with staples and duct tape. True!

              3. mcr-red*

                Raises hand. I can’t sew a button or hem a pair of pants. My husband has to do that for me.

                2. Lurk Til I Can’t Help Myself*

                  I don’t have a husband, but I have a stapler and some duct tape. I kind of wish I was kidding, but I have a staple scratch on my calf to prove it.

              4. Kimmybear*

                My grandmother couldn’t either…her daughters did it for her until she passed away.

              5. SC*

                I’m 35, and I can’t sew a button or hem a pair of pants. I can do a lot of things, but sewing just doesn’t seem to work out for me. My mom tried to teach me. I’ve tried to teach myself. It just won’t click.

                1. Paloma Pigeon*

                  This is me too. I’m a great cook, terrible with a needle. My fingers just won’t work for some reason.

              6. Autumnheart*

                I can sew a button, but forget hemming. I can iron on a strip of Stitch Witchery if it came to it, but i’d have to go buy it first.

            2. DataGirl*

              It is true that a lot of women can’t sew- particularly these days. But I stand by the 1960’s being a time when it was more unusual for men to be able to sew than women.

              1. Helena*

                I’m amused by this anecdote, because it’s still the case that few Sailors (of either gender) know how to sew. A Sailor on ship who knows how can still set up a very nice side hustle. However, in the Marines (where uniform appearance is taken much more seriously) pretty much everyone learns how to sew early on.

            3. Gadget Hackwrench*

              I’ve somehow become the “button friend” in my social group. As in every time someone’s lost a button, the next time I go to their place or they come to mine there’s the clothing item and the button and puppy dog eyes and I put the button back on the garment. Actually that’s probably how I became the button friend. Because I keep doing it.

          2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            I hadn’t really done my own laundry until I moved out of the area for a summer during college, but it was more that my extended family had a lot of division-of-labor for chores and my grandmother did all of the family laundry (I remember sorted piles of different types of clothing going all the way down the hallway on laundry day as a kid). On the other hand, I could cook from scratch and was a better baker than my mother from my tween years, and pretty much handled that for the family. The downsides of this silo-based approach to domestic life became clear once I did not live in the same city as everyone else for a few weeks, but it didn’t seem odd at the time. (Mom did teach me to sew from a young age, even though she was definitely in charge of any and all family sewing needs growing up. I don’t think I ever was “in charge” of my own sewing/mending needs until I moved out, though, since that was one of her tasks in our weird-in-retrospect siloed domestic division of labor.)

            1. Becky*

              My mother was not fond of cooking. When I was like 7 she taught me how to make biscuits (like the shortening+self-rising flour+ water easiest recipe ever) and the rest of the time I lived at home biscuits were my responsibility.

              1. Becky*

                wow not water–buttermilk (in my house milk + lemon juice and let sit for 5 minutes)

        3. Kitty*

          What is it with college students who can’t do laundry? It’s not even difficult! In fact it’s probably the easiest household chore!

          1. RainyDay*

            A friend’s mom never taught her – when she asked! – because she got overwhelmed giving the various rules and figured just doing it was easier than showing her how. She eventually figured it out for herself.

            1. TardyTardis*

              My daughter wrote up a set of rules in high school, posted it by our washer/dryer, and we kept it up long after she left for college (paper finally died, though)–for one thing, it was good guidance for our son when he was over on the weekend to do laundry/slave labor around our house (he’s pretty good at mowing the lawn, etc.).

          2. Mimi Me*

            YEP! My building has an app that lets you pay for your machines. The money comes from my bank account, but the app went on the phone of every person in my home. You live here, you do laundry. :) My favorite days are the ones where I come home to find freshly laundered clothes on the couch because my kids just thought they’d toss in a load. I also love days when I come home to find my kitchen / living / dining rooms “company ready” clean for no reason other than someone thought it would be a nice surprise.

            1. Human Sloth*

              My 15 yo son just completed is first year as a homeschooler. I’ve probably done 3 loads of laundry in the last 9 months. He is rocking it!

          3. DerJungerLudendorff*

            I believe if you want to do it really well, you need to take various clothing materials, colours and whatnot into account. That’s partly why every clothing item comes with a label with materials and washing information.

            I just chuck it all in the washing machine though. It helps that I don’t have anything delicate.

            1. No Longer Working*

              Showing my age, but there was a time when clothes did not have fabric content & washing instructions sewn into them. Instructions were on a tag like the price. So glad they changed that!

              1. SigneL*

                This may be OT, but I once tried to iron a shirt and burned a hole in it (iron was too hot).

                1. TardyTardis*

                  My mom taught me how to iron starting on handkerchiefs and dish towels, and I worked my way to all the ironing clothes, like Dad’s shirts. When I got married, we decided that if my husband’s and my shirts were hung up right away, I didn’t need to iron anything (and if you fold dishtowels and handkerchiefs right, they don’t either).

                2. Cherry Sours*

                  I tried ironing my Girl Scout badges on my sash. Ten points for effort, but the plastic backing on said (scorched) badges was to keep the threads intact, not aid in adherence.

            2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

              My laundry philosophy is that I will run two kinds of loads: the ones that get washed in cold water on delicate and then hung up to dry on drying racks, and the ones that get washed in warm water and put in the dryer. All new clothing items are sorted in to one of these two load styles based on some combination of their tags and my opinions, and if it doesn’t work out then that piece of clothing just wasn’t meant to be in my wardrobe. (This is also something I consider when buying clothes.)

              Special occasion clothes I plan to wear once a year or so are exempt and can be fussed over more, but I am just not willing to keep track of more than two kinds of clothes for routine laundry.

              1. teclatrans*

                Same! And I try to minimize those delicates. It means there isn’t much to teach my kids beyond “watch put for this type of item; everything else just gets a simple warm-water wash.”

              3. TardyTardis*

                I have hangups (permanent press), whites, and colors, but mainly because I like to do the whites in hot water.

              4. Ren*

                Whereas my laundry room has bins labeled “Whiter Shade of Pale,” “Color My World,” “Lady in Red,” and “Forever in Blue Jeans.”

          4. Environmental Compliance*

            My husband called me his freshmen year of college to have me teach him over the phone how to do laundry, because his mom never 1) expected him to do laundry 2) showed him how to do laundry and 3) let him do his own laundry. He’s a very smart guy, cooks & cleans otherwise…but no one in the house was allowed to Laundry except his mom. *shrug*

            1. SAHM*

              That’s just nuts. I’ve been having my sons do laundry since they were old enough to stand on the stool and push the buttons on the machine (they climbed onto the machine to push the buttons too, lol). They still don’t fold laundry, that’s my goal this summer, teach them to FOLD the gosh darned stuff.

              1. Seeking Second Childhood*

                My daughter does laundry occasionally — usually when she wants a particular garment for some special event — but getting her to put anybody else’s in at the same time to make a full load? THAT took a while. (What helped was when she realized she didn’t hate the way clothes smelled when dried outside on the line if *MOM* did them — she hated the smell of clothes with three times too much soap in the load!)

            2. De-Archivist*

              Ran into this all the time in my college years. My friends’ parents would call them in the morning to wake them up. Friends didn’t know how to do laundry. I had a friend who didn’t know how to make Kool-Aid out of the packet. Incredulous, another friend told him that there were instructions on the package. Friend wasn’t sure what kind up cup to put the sugar in – like a mug, a tumbler, etc.

              My friend group were baffled that I did my own laundry. Like who taught me? I told them I’d been doing laundry my whole life. Some of my earliest memories are learning to fold towels and match socks, and I know I was washing my dad’s work clothes by the time I was twelve. I used to joke, darkly, that I was fairly certain my parents had kids solely to do housework.

            3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              My mother in law is still a bit suspicious of my husband’s laundry skills, even though he has been successfully washing clothes for 20+ years. I suspect she also thinks I am some kind of heathen because I only iron under duress.

              1. TardyTardis*

                My dad was the one who did the laundry at our house (no room for washer dryer in our house, so it was down to the laundromat with the latest Analog magazine).

          5. Nanani*

            Some people grow with parents who never taught them.
            Some people, more likely to be seen in Pricey Colleges, grew up with household staff who did it for them.

            Difficulty hasn’t got anytging to do with anything.

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              I suspect that many of the people living in my student accommodation when I was doing my PhD had this problem. They were all smart and motivated but obviously came from wealthy families in countries where it is quite inexpensive to hire domestic help so I think they were just clueless, not lazy.

              I had to explain to a group of them that the nasty smell in the communal kitchen was the gas burner being left on without being lit, not the trash can, and that if they lit a cigarette in a room full of gas they could cause an explosion. I also showed someone how to mop and what kind of soap to use in the washing machine. They were all happy to do it but came from backgrounds where nobody expected them to know these things.

          6. Glitsy Gus*

            In college I met a lot of folks who didn’t know how to do laundry. They could do pretty much everything else, but I guess a lot of families have a THING about laundry, only Mom handles it (or grandma or whoever). I met at least three people who were not even allowed in the laundry room, let alone to touch the machines.

            1. Aleta*

              It also could mean their family’s chores were highly specialized. My family had rotating duties at first, with three main areas (general cleanup/kitchen/laundry) but we were allowed to switch if both parties agreed. We quickly found out we all had one area we didn’t mind doing at all and one we absolutely hated, and worked it out to where we all permanently did one area. Mine was laundry. My siblings both knew *how* do to do laundry, but they hadn’t done it in 10+ years by the time they went to college (I’m the oldest).

            2. Loose Seal*

              My grandmother (who raised me) grew up in the Depression. Plus, we lived in deep poverty when I was young. She prized her washing machine because she hadn’t had one for most of her life. She wouldn’t let any of us kids touch it. I did fold and iron clothes and put them away and I knew how to sort laundry but I never did the full chore by myself until I went to college.

          7. booksnbooks*

            My 8 year old son berated me one day because his laundry wasn’t done. Guess who has been doing his own laundry for going on 5 years now?

          8. NotAnotherManager!*

            Using the machines aren’t difficult, but my spouse (who is great at figuring things out) was not aware that washing one’s brand new, red school sweatshirt with his whites wasn’t a good idea, particularly on hot. I think the problem was he had zero experience, though, “Well, this looks pretty straightforward!” and was more focused on the machine use than things like dye transfer, wash temperature, etc. that you just pick up by doing. Nowadays, he’d just look it up on the internet, but that wasn’t an option in 1990.

            My cousin’s mom also would not let her wash her own clothes out of some weird fear that she’d “destroy the washing machine”. My cousin is smart and doesn’t have a destructive streak, so I have no idea what my aunt was thinking. Right before she left for school, I had her over to my house to give her a Laundry Basics 101. She was also going to a school with a school color in the red family, and, knowing she was not a fan of pink, I figured I’d help her out.

          9. Curmudgeon in California*

            When I hit my early teens, I didn’t like how mom was doing the laundry (cold, no sort.) So she said “Fine. Do your own.” I did my own laundry for years until I became disabled and folding clothes because extremely difficult. Now I happily pay someone to do it, but am a very picky customer (I still wash my own underwear.)

          10. Doctor Schmoctor*

            I know. Chuck it in the machine, pour in some detergent, press “start”.
            Or am I missing something?

          11. Koala dreams*

            I’m always surprised by the opinion that laundry is easy. Laundry machines are quite different with different types of buttons and programs. Some are cold water only, some have lots of different temperatures. There are different places to put liquid soap and powder soap. If you use a laundry room, there are different rules depending on where you live. And the measurement spoons have the measurements in tiny, tiny numbers that are super hard to read. I still think that washing machines are great, because hand washing is the worst chore ever, but it does take a while to get used doing laundry in a new place.

            I still remember getting the clothes stuck in the laundry machine when I first moved out. When I finally managed to open the machine, I didn’t care that the clothes were still soapy, I was just happy to get my clothes back. (Nowadays I know a lot of machines make you wait at the end of the cycle before you can open them, and there is also sometimes a fast forward choice somewhere in the menu.)

          12. Em*

            I was an RA in college and will forever remember the poor freshman whose mother obviously gave him a crash course in laundry right before dropping him off. He knocked on my door about 2 weeks into term in tears holding a baseball shirt that had a white body and dark blue sleeves and asked, desperately, “is this a white or a color?!?!?!”

        4. Choux*

          I had to learn how to do laundry on my own because it was my mom’s favorite chore so she never wanted me to do it. I learned how to do PLENTY of other things (plant and weed a garden, dust, wash dishes, cook, take care of livestock, etc. etc.), but I basically had to learn how to do laundry on my own.

          1. Anonymousaurus Rex*

            This is funny. My mom is like this about ironing. She finds it soothing. She’s also fantastic at it, but never taught me her secrets. I tried for years, but I have given up and bought a steamer.

        5. SophieChotek*

          Had one roommate who seriously had to be shown each year how to turn up the thermostat (push the little arrow up or down) and both my roommates (in grad school) needed help changing simple screw-in light bulbs. (First roommate told me she grew up with servants….)

          1. Yorick*

            My roommate didn’t understand how the thermostat worked (we had one with an arm that you slide from warm temperatures to cool temperatures), so she’d just turn it down all the way if she was hot or up all the way if she was cold.

            1. Anon for this*

              I was well into my 20s before I had ever seen a thermostat so I definitely did this until someone stopped me.

          2. Seeking Second Childhood*

            I knew someone who was frazzled trying to hang a bulletin board — she had tried to hammer a screw into the wall. She is totally brilliant but had always lived in apartment buildings where you *had to* call the super to do things like that. And the super worked while she was at school so she’d never even seen it done.

        6. Gumby*

          Yeah, we kind of made fun of the dude in my freshman dorm whose mother did his laundry when she came from out of state (!) to watch home games of the sports team he was on. When his sport wasn’t in season, his girlfriend did his laundry. Ugh. At the time we whispered “how can anyone be that incompetent” behind his back but now it seems really gross and sexist too.

        7. MsMaryMary*

          My mom insisted that before her children could be trusted to use a complicated machine like a car, they had to be very familiar with using simpler machines like a washer and dryer, dishwasher, stove and oven, lawnmower, etc.

          1. Iris Eyes*

            That is an excellent point. Your mother’s philosophy will live on in my parenting advice :)

          2. CoveredInBees*

            I like your mom’s approach and am filing that away for when my kids get older.

          5. Seeking Second Childhood*

            OH I AM STEALING THAT.
            (Mine’s not getting a phone until she can go without losing her watch & house keys for a month…)

            1. All Stitched Up*

              Oh jeez, I would never be allowed to get a phone under those rules! (Fortunately, while in general my ~two ADHD settings~ wrt my phone are “can’t put it down” and “forgot where I put it down” I’m generally good about not losing track of it when I’m out of the house.)

        8. CynicallySweet*

          I actually had a hard time figuring out the laundry at my college. I’d only ever used the one kind at my Mom’s and there were no instructions. I had no idea why it was so expensive – we had these ones that instead of telling you the laundry was done would just start beeping loudly and ask for more money, so I gave it to them. My poor Mom was absolutely flabbergasted at the amount of quarters I was going through until she visited.

          2. Mimi Me*

            The first time I did laundry in a pay machine it was one of those front loaders. I put in a regular load and started to put in quarters. A very nice woman was watching me, stopped me from starting the machine, and showed me that I could get a lot more clothing in that type of machine. “Honey make the machine earn your money!”

        9. The Original K.*

          Yeah, I taught a friend to do laundry in college because his mother had always done it (and every other household chore) for him. His mother actually offered to pick up his laundry (he’d grown up about an hour from where we were) but he said no, to his credit, and once I taught him to do laundry he did it himself. He also got a serious girlfriend pretty early in college and she was not the “take care of your man” type (IIRC she straight up told him “I have no intention of doing your laundry, so …”), so he learned to be self-sufficient pretty quickly.

        10. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

          My son doesn’t do as many chores around the house as he ought to, but he can do his own laundry. I told him flat out: “You are not going to be one of those kids in college who doesn’t know how to operate a washer and dryer.”

          1. Mimi Me*

            I make both kids (daughter and son) do chores for just about the same reason. “I’ll be damned if I’m coming to your apartment for a visit only to want to scrub myself clean after being there” is how I put it. LOL! My husband, bless him, was raised in a house where his mother used windex and paper towels for all cleaning jobs. It took me a while to teach my husband that this was not clean in any way. I do not want the people my children partner with to look at me like I’m some kind of crazy for what they think is clean.

            1. Autumnheart*

              I’m flashing on the various scenes in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” where the dad sprays everything with Windex.

        11. Thany*

          I had an ex-boyfriend who bragged to me that he never learned to do his laundry because he always convinced other girls in his dorm to do it for him.

          My next boyfriend was able to do his own laundry. Reader, I married him. ;)

          1. Shoes On My Cat*

            Ha! I had a buddy pay me $20 for doing his laundry-and I chose what to fold and how (ie not his shorts!). We had 4 machines so it took no time. Then he asked how much to iron a shirt. I told him $20. He said “for that much I’ll do it myself!” Yep!;-)

        12. Snarkastic*

          I don’t remember when I first did laundry, but I think I just looked at the machine and figured out which cycles to choose. It’s not that confounding.

          1. Mimi*

            It depends on the machine. Some are very simple, but others are poorly labeled, very complicated, finicky about the door, etc. My mom says you need a phd to operate hers (and yet the laundry still gets done somehow, despite our lack of qualifications).

    3. Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves*

      My NHS member cousin couldn’t type on a computer so her plans to turn in her assignments back in the late 90’s was for her to hand write everything, FedEx it to her mother and my aunt would type and proofread and FedEx it back. My aunt’s parenting unfortunately caused her severe psychological harm after years and she only lasted two weeks in college. It was insane.

      1. misplacedmidwesterner*

        Back in the 70s, my dad realized he couldn’t get his term paper done, so he drove home in the middle of the night for his mother to type it for him. Then he realized he was 90 minutes from school with an assignment that was done but due in 60 minutes. He made it…
        In his defense in the 1970s no one was teaching men how to use the typewriters.

        1. Artemesia*

          In the late 60s I stayed up all night to type my then husband’s law school paper because he had procrastinated and it was due the next day and men couldn’t type back then for the most part, then I went to the local high school and taught my usual six classes. His partner on the project didn’t get his part done, so they still got a poor grade for lateness. Did I mention it was the former husband ; ditched him and married Mr. Wonderful who is with me in France traveling at the moment in our 47th year of marriage.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I don’t think his defense was 100% solid… my uncle was a USArmy clerk.

          1. misplacedmidwesterner*

            He did later teach himself to type using Mavis Beacon teaches typing (his college was very late 70s). It was funny when I was little because he used to race me with typing games (he’d take a turn then I would take a turn, I was like 6) because he wanted me to be a better typer than him.

        4. TardyTardis*

          They were teaching guys how to use typewriters in our high school…but I guess not everywhere.

      2. Miss Muffet*

        my freshman year roommate’s mom would call and beg her to quit college and move back home with her because she missed her. Who does that?!

        1. Mimi Me*

          My MIL did that when my husband and I first moved in together. Unfortunately for her he didn’t want to go back.

        2. Wendy Darling*

          My freshman roommate’s mom was always calling and begging her to transfer to a college in her home state because she missed her.

          This was before everyone had cell phones and we had a shared land line in our dorm room. No caller ID because that cost money. Her mom called usually multiple times a day and if I picked up the phone because she wasn’t there, her mom would interrogate me about her daughter. Where was she? How was she doing in her classes? Was she eating right? How was she sleeping?

          About 3 weeks in I bought a $15 answering machine and started screening our calls.

        3. MotherofCats*

          My mother. She also said college was a waste of time because it didn’t teach practical skills like typing or book keeping!

        4. Gadget Hackwrench*

          My husband’s mother basically did that to him after graduation. He had moved in with me because we were quite serious, but she would remind him at every opportunity that “you can always come home!” They were also apparently appalled that he proposed when he did, after we’d been together 8 years, when he was 29 years old… because “aren’t you still a little young to get married?” At first I took it personal, like they loved me before the proposal, but now that we’re getting married they’re being nutso… but then I remembered things like his mother always thanking me “for taking such good care of him for us” like I was a babysitter instead of a girlfriend and I realized that some parents just can’t fathom their child becoming an adult!

      3. NotAnotherManager!*

        That’s crazy – I was in school in the 90s, and there were people on campus that would do that for you for less than FedEx overnight would cost. I did a lot of proofreading for my friends for free because my English teacher mother raised a grammar pedant.

        I still stand by the assertion that typing was the most useful class I took in high school. Our class was taught by an amazing former executive assistant, and she even got the most hopelessly uncoordinated amongst us typing pretty proficiently by semester-end.

        1. Carlie*

          Me too. My high school typing class was taught by a guy a year from retirement who came in drunk sometimes, and it was STILL probably the most useful skill I got.
          (My other teachers were good. But typing fast is so useful in so many ways…)

        2. JJ*

          Pretty well all the booze I had in my dorm room was thanks to typing. Want your essay typed up quick & easy? Bring me beer or pizza. Worked a treat and kept my out of pocket down.

        3. Skullclutter*

          Agreed. My 9th grade Computer Science class (way back in the mid 90s) was basically “Touch-Typing 101”, and I’ve definitely got a lot of mileage out of that one. What baffles me in retrospect is that it was an elective.

        4. TardyTardis*

          I made very good money and nearly killed my poor little Olivetti doing typing. And when I did typing/word processing in the 1980’s before computers were really available, I made good money and learned a ton about artifacts and grid cutoff (radiology techs at our local college).

          1. TardyTardis*

            And I took a class called Brush Up Typing that got my wpm up from 50+ to 80+–and I get gusts up to 100 on a computer, though not perfectly.

      4. Doris*

        Interesting. I remember still being allowed to submit handwritten assignments in the late 90s, but I was at the end of high school, not at university yet.

        1. Jennifer Juniper*

          When I was thirteen, my parents got my something called a TypeWrite for Christmas. It came with a workbook of lessons. Over the next year and a half, I played with the thing so much I taught myself to type. This was a blessing to my teachers, since my handwriting was (and still is) atrocious.

    4. Clisby*

      Whoa. When my daughter was a college freshman, she had an acquaintance whose mother AND father called her every single day. Separately. I thought I was helicoptering when I encouraged my daughter to check in once a week.

      1. Teapot Unionist*

        My dad called me daily until I was like 27. It wasn’t helicoptering per se. My parents divorced when I was 3 and he got in the habit of calling me each day I was with my mom when he got home from work to check in and find out about my day and then he never stopped. It was always a very quick call–like 3 to 5 minutes. Thankfully, my friends in college thought it was sweet. Weird, but sweet.

          1. Emma the Strange*

            Yeah, to me, helicoptering involves trying to manage your child’s life for them. Daily phone calls sound like a lot to me, but also sound benign if it’s just your standard “How was your day?” stuff

        2. Allornone*

          I’m 37 and still call my mom every day for the exact same reason. They divorced when I was young; my dad got custody; I called my mom every day and just… never stopped. Again, usually very short conversations, check-ins really. I know it’s weird, but my live-in boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind (I mostly call her driving home from work anyway). Besides, my mom kind of needs it. My other sister NEVER calls.

        3. Kira*

          My parents do that too. They usually call for a few minutes while they are driving back to work. I can see how it can seem like a lot, but it’s not helicoptering. It depends on each person’s personality, but there are friends I talk to every day or almost everyday, I don’t think its that bad if I talk to my parents every day/two days.

        4. Twenty Points for the Copier*

          My college roommate talked to her mother on the phone every day. It was maybe a little time consuming but didn’t seem that weird… her father had passed away a couple of years earlier and I think the calls were as much for her to check in on her mom and keep her company as they were for her mom to check in on her.

        5. clockworklemon*

          My dad and I talk almost every day because he also got in the habit of calling me in the evenings after my parents divorced when I was very young.

          I started college at 17 and talked to my mom almost every day too–it was lonely being all the way across the country by myself, and none of my friends could relate because they all grew up 45min to an hour away from where we attended school and got to go home on weekends.

        6. Phoenix Programmer*

          Same here. I talked to my mom about an hour every day in college. She died when I turned 30. No regrets!

        8. Not So NewReader*

          I remember my grandmother used to call my mother every night around the same time. She did that right up until she died. My mother was 50 by that time. She called all her daughters, my mother’s oldest sib was pushing 60 and she still got the daily phone call also. Like you are saying the calls were benign, “Everything okay? Well, okay then. I will talk to you tomorrow. Sleep good.”

          I think about that stuff some because my grandmother was born in the late 1800s. She did not have phones growing up. She probably enjoyed instantly knowing her daughters were okay each night.

        9. Little Orange Nail*

          I’m 39, married, have kids, etc and I talk to my parents nearly every day and have since I went off to college at 18. They don’t try to interfere with my life or anything, we just talk about our day, anything fun or interesting that happened, books or interesting articles we read, stuff like that. These aren’t long conversations, rarely more than 15-20 minutes, often shorter. My kids get to say hi to their Babcia and Grandpa almost every day. It’s nice.

      2. Mama Bear*

        I knew someone whose very interfering grandmother would show up on campus unannounced (especially on weekends) to make sure that the student wasn’t up to something that in the grand’s mind she shouldn’t be.

        1. only acting normal*

          I’m glad my grandmother’s say on such matters was “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do… that leaves you plenty of leeway!” :D

          1. Scrooge McDunk*

            My grandmother had a similar attitude…. except, oddly enough, when it came to the subject of undershirts (which she called shimmies). I couldn’t leave the house without her asking me if I was wearing a shimmy, then being aghast when I inevitably said no. She wore a shimmy every day and she was DETERMINED that I would too.

      3. Cuddles the Shark*

        Heh. I’m 34 and I have to text my mother when I get home every day or else she thinks I’m dead (honestly, it’s a step forward. When I was in college I had to CALL her every day). Last night I left my phone on silent after work and by the time I checked it, I had five missed calls and several voice mails. I then got a lecture about how she was about to call 911 and did I have emergency contact info in my wallet? In case I’m in the hospital!?

        Granted, I live alone cross-country, so I appreciate the thought because if I actually HAD fallen down the stairs or whatnot, it’s good to know that someone’s looking out for me. But there’s gotta be a better way. I wish I could talk her into seeing someone about her anxiety and maybe getting on some medication, but she’s been this way all my life so I’m used to it. Just occasionally frustrated.

        1. NotAnotherManager!*

          A friend in college went home for the weekend with some of his friends junior year and forgot to tell his overprotective parents where he was – this was before cell phones. They called his dorm room repeatedly over the course of the weekend, and, boy, was his roommate surprised when the police showed up to investigate.

        2. Gadget Hackwrench*

          I have to do the same with my father, but thankfully not every day. Only when I’m going home from having visited with him. If I don’t I get a phone call from mom because he’s scared I’m in a ditch. I’m 34 and married. I’m sure my husband would notice if I didn’t come home. Then again my father wears a full orange reflector vest to go for a walk in the neighborhood, just to make sure no cars hit him… so….

      4. MotherofCats*

        I was supposed to check in once a week. Of course I would often flake & miss my scheduled time. Dad would then try to call the police to come check on me & Mom would have to talk him down :-)

    5. SeluciaMD*

      MIND BLOWN. I feel so bad for this poor girl! I can barely wrap my brain around this level of control and involvement. Total insanity.

    6. M. Albertine*

      Wow, I thought it was bad when a parent at freshman orientation demanded online access to her assignments and coursework.

      1. Pinky Lady*

        Higher ed professional here – had a mom come turn in her kid’s immunizations for graduate school – a professional doctorate degree! Had another parent converse with me all summer to get classes arranged – didn’t talk to the son until almost time for orientation!

      2. Your kid's TA, not yours*

        When I was a TA, I had one of my students’ fathers call me to discuss his grades. He tried several tactics, including “he’s only 17 so he’s not an adult yet and I’m responsible for him,” “I’m paying for his classes so I should have access to his grades,” and finally hit me with “I’ll report to the dean that you are completely unhelpful.” My response to that was, “The dean is the one who told me about our privacy policy, so go ahead and call her. I think we’re done now?”

        I only wish I could have been that blunt when I was still teaching middle school.

    7. JKP*

      A few years after I left college, the university I went to changed their longstanding freshman orientation traditions and ceremonies to include a formal “goodbye” ceremony for the parents on day 1 because so many parents wouldn’t leave, the school had to basically formally kick them out.

      1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

        Howard University in DC does this. They actually have the incoming freshmen and parents in a park-like area of the grounds out front, the students parade through a set of gates, and then they ***close and lock*** the gates behind them as a pointed symbol.

        I think that’s actually pretty cool.

        2. Harper the Other One*

          AMAZING. I want this for my kids! Although both of them show signs they’ll grow up to be properly independent, it’s still nice to have that official “now you get to live your own life” transition.

      2. JokeyJules*

        my university had that too! on move-in day for freshman, you were handed your student ID. You had a few hours to move all of your stuff in and then they had a big welcome assembly. you could only get in to the assembly with an ID, so all the parents had to leave by then. it definitely looked tough for a few families to let go

      3. Zephy*

        My university structured their freshman move-in day to separate the parents and students as soon as the car was unloaded, more or less – there were important-sounding “parent information sessions” conveniently scheduled at the same time as the mandatory-fun Orientation Activities for students. The later afternoon and evening was also jam-packed with more mandatory fun, so the parents and students would have time to hug goodbye before the kid had to go off to the next thing.

      4. Geillis D*

        Did they read aloud “The Kissing Hand”? That’s what they did at my kids’ kindergarten on the first day of school.

      5. Acornia*

        Only 6 years ago, when my daughter went off to college at a small state school 2 hours away, she was *required* to bring a parent to an orientation in July if her parent lived less than 200 miles away. Tried to get out of it but they wouldn’t let her register for fall classes unless I attended.
        She attended a bunch of useful sessions on how to register, how to navigate online course assignments, how housing, meals and student IDs worked, etc. I wasted a whole freaking day attending sessions about how I needed to let my child be an adult and not helicopter. Explanations of why I won’t be allowed to log into their account. Explanations of why they won’t share their meal card use with parents. Explanations that campus security does not do lights out checks. Instructions to NOT call the RA on duty if you haven’t heard from your kid in 3 hours, unless there are extraordinary circumstances. It was so patronizing and frustrating! Drove two hours each way and paid a $25 fee for the privilege.
        Oh, the irony….
        (I hear they don’t require it any more but do still offer it for parents who want to attend. Who are probably the ones that need it.)

    8. Bagpuss*

      When I was in Uni, (which is 25 years ago, now) one of the girls in my hall of residence was a bit likethis, althouhg not as bad. Her motherdrove up every weekend to bring her a week’s worth of home made frozen meals, and to collect her laundry and bring back the clean laundry from the previous week.
      We shared a kitchem and at the end of the first term we (the 5 UK stedents ) decided to cook a traditional christmas dinner for the whole group (the other 7 tudents sharing the kitchen etc were all from overseas, mostly from Hong Kng and Taiwan)
      I organised the cooking, which is how I found out that helicopter daughter literally did not k bow how to cook anything. She asked me how to boil carrots, and then came to ask me how she would knowwhhn the water was boiling…

      1. buttrue???*

        My sophomore year there was a freshman in my dorm who didn’t know how to do anything either (70s). Her mom had always done everything when she was growing up. I just assumed it had to do with the fact that they were a military family and it was just easier to have mom in charge of all household areas and never thought about teaching the kids. I have wondered about her over the years. She eloped after 6 weeks of school with a senior.

      2. Lizzy May*

        I ran into something similar my first week of university. We had a field day and it was wet so everyone was a muddy mess. I went down to the laundry room afterwards to washing my muddy clothing and there were multiple people in there, on cell phones getting laundry instructions from a parent. One of them was my neighbor and when I asked him about it, he told me the plan was for his parents to come 7 hours every two weeks to swap out dirty and clean clothes and have his “club clothes” dry cleaned but he figured he should try to wash this one outfit because it sitting muddy for a week would be bad.

        1. Observer*

          OK, at least this kid had some sense. Dare we hope that this actually taught him that it’s fine to do his own laundry?

        2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

          There was a girl in my dorm who did this, but with sheets she’d thrown up on while drunk and left in the hamper for several weeks before she decided to learn how to do laundry.

          And then she wondered why her roommate changed rooms.

        3. No Luke, *I* Am Your Father*

          confession: I also entered college not knowing how to do my own laundry! My dad was the type of guy who always figured it was easier to do something himself than try to explain to someone else. He said that our washing machine was too complicated because it had been salvaged from NYC streets. The first few times I asked help from whoever was unlucky enough to be in the laundry room same time as me. Years later, I asked my dad to show me how to use our Very Complicated Washing Machine. Turns out the complicated part was you just had to put a hose into the sink before you pressed the on button. Argh!!

      3. Elemeno P.*

        To be fair, that happened to me as well (minus my mother visiting and taking care of me every weekend; she dropped me off and that was that). I entered college knowing how to make scrambled eggs and bake, and…that’s it. My mom worked 80 hours a week and didn’t have time to cook, so my only observations of her cooking were on the weekends (thus, scrambled eggs and baking). Had to learn somewhere!

        1. MusicWithRocksInIt*

          When I started collage I didn’t know how to iron. My mother had never let me near the ironing board. Later I found out it was because her iron board cover had a full size picture of a naked man on it.

          1. Elemeno P.*

            That is amazing.

            I did know how to iron, specifically because my mom didn’t like doing it so she handed it over to me. I bet she would have liked it more if it had been similarly decorated!

            1. Also Amazing*

              Haha, that’s what my mom would do, too! She noticed I was interested in ironing at a young age and taught me how to do it cuz she hates it. This is also how I learned to do my own laundry at like age 4. Used to have a “special laundry chair” because the stool we had was too hard for tiny me to set up by myself.

          3. datamuse*

            I must confess, I’m 44 and still don’t really know how to iron. When I wore a cotton dress to my brother’s wedding, my husband had to iron it for more.

              1. Kundor*

                When? I have literally never ironed anything (and it’s not because I get other people to do it for me…)

            3. SpicySpice*

              My husband does my ironing too. I think it’s a ridiculous practice so I never bothered to learn.

              1. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

                I hate ironing and am terrible at it, so on the very rare occasions when something needs ironed, I punt that over to my husband, so can also do basic sewing.

            4. PersephoneUnderground*

              I’ll admit, my husband knows how to iron and I have pretty much forgotten what little I knew. I think it’s because men’s shirts just need ironing more often, so of course he’s the one who knows how to do it! (Thinking there may have been a time not long ago when he would be the one needing all that ironing done but I would have been the one to do it, since I’m the wife, ugh! So happy to live in 2019 in a relationship of equals.)

              1. Tess Not the Mess*

                My son had to learn how to iron when he was in the Navy–each sailor is responsible for their uniform looking its best. He also had to mend, sew on buttons, etc. (By the way, we parents had some difficulty finding him a sewing kit that wasn’t pink. Geeze. I would have put a kit together myself, but it was cheaper to get a ready-made one, once we found it.)

              2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                I hate ironing, although I’m quite capable of doing it. I took a leaf out of my mom’s book: when dad joined the Air Force and became responsible for having a properly pressed uniform she flatly refused to do it. He discovered both irons and dry cleaners, and he took his work clothes to the cleaners until he completely retired. My husband just does his own but I would never agree to be in charge of all the ironing!

                1. Skullclutter*

                  I was the same way. I could iron, but I hated doing it. Then I decided to take up sewing because I was tired of never having decent pockets in my pants. D’oh.

                  I can put up with ironing if it means getting decent pockets out of the deal.

                1. PersephoneUnderground*

                  I do use the “throw wrinkled item in dryer with damp washcloth for 5-10 minutes” trick a lot, it’s great for basically steaming wrinkles out of clothes. I also laughed at “ironing wrinkles into” clothes- yeah, sometimes I feel like that’s what I’m doing when I attempt to iron!

            5. Delightful Daisy*

              I’m 49 and my son is better with the iron than either of his parents. I don’t know if my husband even knows how to iron. We moved a few years ago and my husband got rid of the iron and ironing board. We had to buy new ones when son came to visit. lol I am seriously considering a steamer but I’m a fan of hang it up right away to avoid the wrinkles. DH is a fan of “wear it wrinkled”. lol

        2. Bagpuss*

          Sure, you need to learn some time, it was in part that she literally couldn’t boil water, and partly that we were a term into the year at this point, so she’d been away from home for 8 weeks and apparently never once done anything at all for herself…

      4. Lily Rowan*

        Oh yeah, I had a friend in college who didn’t know how to grate cheese! Which came out at our graduation party when my father suggested she help out.

        1. L.S. Cooper*

          Wait… grate CHEESE? I thought my roommates had some bad knowledge gaps. (One didn’t know not to pour bacon grease down the sink, another was about to pour boiling hot water into a glass container that had been in the fridge overnight when I realized and stopped her.)

          1. Amber T*

            I don’t think my parents ever once grated cheese when I was growing up – we always had the pre-shredded stuff. I never grated cheese until I was 27 and was planning on making mac and cheese, and my boyfriend half recommended half pleaded to get a small block of cheese and shred it ourselves because it would be so much better – and it was! I do shred a fingertip or two while grating cheese though (I’ll peel part of my finger too when using a peeler), so I’m not sure if that counts as not knowing haha!

            1. L.S. Cooper*

              I definitely avoid it when I can, specifically because of the finger thing you mentioned. I like my fingers and like them being attached to my body, thanks!
              But I think there’s a difference between “I’ve never done this thing before” and “I can’t figure out how one would do something like shred cheese.”
              (Also, definitely off topic, but my uncle gifted us one of those fancy rotary cheese graters like they have at restaurants, and HOLY MOLY. It is amazing.)

              1. Pebbles*

                My husband just gave me one of those rotary graters for our anniversary! I can’t wait until dinner tonight to try it out. :)

              2. NotAnotherManager!*

                We somehow ended up with three rotary graters in my house when we moved in together, except I’m pretty sure I’ve never personally owned a rotary grater. We also have a box grater with a mandoline that is helpful for not grating one’s body parts.

                People like to buy my spouse kitchen gadgets because a man who cooks is kind of novel for a lot of them. We have… a lot of them.

              3. Owler*

                A food processor (like a Cuisinart) often comes with a blade for grating cheese. Highly recommend this for those large blocks of cheddar. :)

        2. Sparkly Librarian*

          This story works better with the visual gestures, but…

          My sister’s boyfriend was a grown man of about 30 when he joined us for a family brunch at my parents’. I was in charge of bacon, my sister was toasting bagels, my wife was pouring juice and then said she’d cook the scrambled eggs, etc. She asked him to scramble them up with some milk (starting a conversation with my mom about how SHE preferred to use water)… and then we noticed that he had cracked eggs into the bowl, placed the whisk vertically in the bowl, and was rolling the handle between his palms. AKA, the slowest and least efficient way to whisk anything. He had no idea how it worked.

      5. Hats Are Great*

        I went away to college not knowing how to do laundry — I was the oldest of four, and my mom’s housework priority was getting it done quickly and efficiently, not teaching us. She tried once to teach one of us to do laundry but it messed up her whole time management system, so she just did it.

        I also only really knew how to make spaghetti (and bake) when I left home.

        But, like, I had confidence these were learnable skills and I had confidence I could either read directions or ask for help. There’s so MANY things you have to learn to live on your own, nobody leaves home knowing them all. I knew how to advocate for myself and navigate bureaucracies and get information, which a lot of my peers did not know. So, I wasn’t too fussed about the laundry, it only took two rounds of doing it to feel pretty confident at it.

        1. only acting normal*

          My mother was oddly territorial about her washing machine. I used to do a *lot* of the ironing as a teen, but not washing, although I knew *how* to do it. At uni I was still quite close to home, so my washing went home rather than to the laundrette. Actually, me doing that probably prevented my mother getting obsessed with some other aspect of my not being under her roof – a safety valve if you will.

    9. Amber T*

      Oh nooooo I called (and still call) my mom every day to chat, but this is a ridiculous extreme.

    10. Angry Scientist*

      I had one of these roommates in college! My freshman year, my first roommate got pregnant in the first semester and dropped out, so this new girl was getting “kicked out” of her dorm in another building, so she became my problem. She had skipped a grade so she was only 17. Her mom used to come EVERY weekend and STAY in our shoebox of a dorm room, sleeping IN the single bed with her daughter. The mother wouldn’t really speak to me, and would give one-word answers if you tried to talk to her. She also came to stay during finals week, so I had to deal with my roommate AND HER MOTHER in my first ever college finals week. We had a class together which happened to be my last final, so I went back to my room to pack some stuff so I could just grab it and leave for home. Her mom, in probably the first thing she ever said to me, asked if she could use my (new) tv with the built-in DVD player while we were taking our test, and I said I didn’t mind. When I came back after my final, her mother HANDED ME THE DVD TRAY and said “this came out.”
      That room mate didn’t come back after Christmas break.

      1. JokeyJules*

        oof, i dont remember that the mom ever slept over, and she was always polite and friendly to us. our dorm had some visiting rules for non-student visitors (have to leave by midnight, all sleepovers had to be signed in, etc), so she’d come for a few hours, but way too frequently.

        I dont know what happened with the girl unfortunately, but this lasted both semesters that they were my neighbors

    11. BottleBlonde*

      Yikes. I have a good friend with an extremely controlling mother (my friend still calls her every month to go over her credit card statement with her…line by line…for the credit card she pays for entirely on her own…..she’s 28 years old). But this is even more extreme than anything I’ve seen from her. That poor girl.

    12. Anax*

      Oof. Yeah, my mom was very much like this, too. I shut her down hard before I entered the working world, which I’m really grateful for.

      When I started college, she would send 5-10 emails per day, and demand to be on the phone for 2-3 hours per night. She brought me grocery bags of food every week, and if I didn’t send detailed reviews, she threw tantrums about how I didn’t love her. She insisted on doing all my shopping – I got yelled at for spending $2 on shampoo – and doing all my laundry. She would review my phone logs, and when I texted someone from a different area code, she ran a background check and decided I was in a drug cult.

      She’d largely screamed herself out by the time I started my college jobs and internships, thankfully.

      The few times I let her give me a ride to work, she spent the ride screaming at me so that I would spend the first hour of work crying, in an internship where I really wanted to impress. (I had to talk the director into taking me on, because he’d had bad experiences with less-than-useless interns. I ended up being a rockstar, and had a really great experience.)

      But… nothing catastrophic. I just stopped being alone with my crazy mother.

        1. Anax*

          Yeahhh. I say it flippantly, but it was a years-long, painful process – not because I wasn’t committed to independence, but because every act of “defiance” was met with suicide threats, attacks on me, and bizarre punishments.

          However syrupy and dependent these helicoptered kids seem, I have to wonder if they’re suffering the same way behind the scenes. When you’re trapped for years in that kind of situation, you almost have to believe you like it. It’s the only way to survive, when insufficient gratitude and happiness are enough to start another round of punishment.

          I had to be completely independent before I could cut the apronstrings completely, because she would use any “”dependence”” as a wedge to helicopter further. That’s a lot of work. Cut all financial and practical ties, never ask for any favor or advice, and accept losing anything tied to her – including friends, family, and all childhood mementos. I ended up moving across the country.

          It’s HARD, and I really get why so many folks have trouble with it.

          2. Blue Anne*

            I hear you. I tried to do it by going to college in Scotland. Mom “coincidentally” got a visiting professorship at a Scottish university 45 minutes away from me for freshman year.

            1. Anax*

              Thankfully, I have a defense against that: Mom likes my brother more than me.

              If she ever follows one of us, it’ll be him. Sorry, bro.

          3. Anon for this*

            Solidarity. I am still working on boundary setting, and I am well into my 30s. I was into my 20s before I learned the suicide threats were manipulation.

            1. Anax*

              Solidarity. It’s awful stuff, and it really did a number on me. Even at work – it’s so hard not to slot my boss into a parental role, and go into that ‘eager to please’ mode.

          4. Gazebo Slayer*

            That is emotional abuse – and yes, I think most of these helicoptered kids don’t want it and sadly some in the more extreme cases are suffering like you did.

            I’m glad you got out. You are courageous and resourceful.

          5. Flash Bristow*

            You might appreciate JustNoMIL on reddit – it’s for people to rant about their mothers as well as in laws. I’ve found it helpful.

      3. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        OMG did you have my mother?? Lol. Sounds exactly like her. Except those tears came before driving me to middle and high school. Some scars, I tell ya. It took AAM and 6 more years post-college before I made myself financially independent then cut off contact, then grey-rocked (limited contact). And she wonders why I don’t like her. It’s not a matter of “like.” I’m pretty easy-going. If you make me cry frequently, scream at me to leave my now-husband, and trash everything and everyone I love and my hobbies and friends, of course I’m losing every shred of respect for you…

        1. Anax*

          They are cut from the same cloth, clearly! I’m still dealing with the PTSD, but being across the country helps so darn much; I’ve been LC for years, but I started crying as GF and I did our cross-country move, because it was such a relief not to feel WATCHED for once in my life.

          1. PersephoneUnderground*

            Quick plug- my husband has done EMDR therapy for dealing with the fallout from controlling parents like this, and it’s helped enormously. I also highly recommend the book “If you had Controlling Parents” – it was our therapist’s #1 recommendation on the subject, and there were lots of “wow, that’s totally my mom” for him reading it. Not assuming anything about your treatment or diagnosing, but both of these things were helpful to us so thought I’d mention them here in case they help others reading this thread.

            1. Anax*

              Thanks! I’m actually looking for a therapist now, so that’s super timely. :)

              I do pretty well these days, but I’m working on getting my mental house in better order. It’s all a long, exasperating process – but SOMEDAY, I will be unphased by angry dishwashing!

    14. Anonymously*

      I chose a college 600 miles away from home specifically so my mother wouldn’t visit campus. She insisted on driving me to and from college every semester, no matter how many times I said I could drive myself. During the drives, she never let me drive the car, no matter how many times I asked.

      After I graduated, she send in an application for a job at a vet clinic without my knowledge–and they hired me! I thought that if I backed out of the job offer after I’d “applied” it would reflect poorly on me, so I took the position addtion to working a full-time job.

      I wish I’d had the courage to talk to a counselor in college about my mother’s behavior, but I thought they’d say I was the problem. I feel for that poor woman, being a young adult in her twenties and treated like a child.

    15. Observer*

      She may not have been born with a disability, but by that point, she clearly DID have one. The good news is that it’s quite possible that with the right support, she can overcome it.

      The disability? The inability to make her own decisions and to do any sort of planning whatsoever.

    16. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      That’s scary stuff, like they make movies about mother’s like that and they do not end well.

      1. Observer*

        The two are not mutually exclusive. A lot of helicoptering is abusive, even if the parents mean well.

        Have you ever seen parents who are SOOOO worried about their kids eating only PERFECT foods that the kids wind up with a ridiculous diet? They mean well, but they are still abusing their kids. Same thing with a lot of these behaviors.

        1. Anax*

          Yep. And from the outside, it can be really hard to tell whether strict or strange behavior has a good reason, or whether it’s abuse. Everyone thought my mom was weird and helicopter-y – but only a couple people recognized the abuse, before I started telling the really nasty stories.

          Say… I think it’s generally accepted in the US that children in their tweens and up deserve a certain amount of privacy.

          I’ve seen parents go through their kids’ rooms in an abusive way – looking for a diary to read, throwing away or holding hostage favorite toys, refusing to give privacy while a child is changing.

          I’ve also seen parents do it in a pretty reasonable way – say, an adopted child who hoards food due to past trauma, and whose stashes are causing insect infestations. Sorry, tween, it is not ok for your bed to be full of ants and spiders.

          Ditto, behavior which would be fine or helicopter-y in most contexts can be abuse in others, depending on the context.

          Mom didn’t give me an allowance growing up – and that’s totally fine and pretty normal, if a little overprotective.

          She did it because she wanted me to be dependent on her and under her control for even the smallest purchases, because she saw me as an extension of herself – even in college, I was required to use her shampoo, her deodorant, wear the clothes she bought me. She made sure I didn’t have a job or pocket money, so I couldn’t make independent choices. That’s messed up – but that’s very hard to know from the outside.

          Alison’s talking about things up to and including sabotaging adults’ careers, so I think a discussion of when helicoptering becomes abusive is relevant.

          1. Mia*

            This. My mom was very much emotionally abusive for most of my life, but I think to people outside our home she just seemed like an overprotective nag.

            1. Anax*

              Growing up, the only person who picked up on it was my friend-group’s “Team Mom”, who took a lot of abused underclassmen under her wing. She had enough experience to recognize the signs, and jump from “this boy is weird” to “this boy has serious, untreated PTSD, and I bet that his weird mom is related.”

              In my experience, it’s all about whether people know enough abuse survivors to recognize the signs; 95% of people will miss them – then bend over backward to explain away Mom’s abuse, and try to convince me to have a closer relationship with her. It’s a strikingly stark dichotomy.

              1. Anon govt workerbee*

                So true! My best friend since high school (we are in our 30’s) has a slightly milder version of your mom. She just finally in the last two years was able to cut off contact and is so much happier and healthier for it. I am happy to support her decision to cut off contact. But now she has to deal with endless well-meaning “that’s so sad, you should reach out, life is too short, you will regret this, be the bigger person” type advice from so many people. Having to go low- or no-contact with your own parent for your mental health is hard enough without everyone who does not know the situation telling you you are wrong.

              2. P peace*

                People sometimes push that closeness because they don’t have enough details. That’s not easy. But it might help you to see who else your parents abusive behavior affected through you. Like maybe your gf for one.

              3. P peace*

                It’s great you’re sharing your story. In my experience with people in your position, most people around the person in your position growing up maybe didn’t know the details but knew something was horribly wrong, the abuse, and didn’t want the abuse to spread to them. Adults, child friends, dating partners, or adult friends often kept their healthy distance. A helicopter parent shows their hand because they are trying to control the environment of their children. And that involves others. But maybe your situation was different. I was speaking in a more general way bc I agree that these situations aren’t talked about enough.

          1. Observer*

            Of course it is. I’m not minimizing that. I’m just pointing out that there is a significant overlap between abuse and helicoptering. And *sometimes* it’s well intended, but even then it’s still abusive.

        3. Jasnah*

          Sure, I definitely see some overlap. But abuse stories aren’t fun. I prefer to read the helicoptering-because-they’re-spoiled stories.

        4. Gazebo Slayer*

          OMG, yes. I knew a woman once with all sorts of bizarre beliefs about what was “healthy.” She demanded her teenage son eat a vegan, nut-free, soy-free, wheat-free, sugar-free, citrus fruit free (ok….) diet and claimed he was allergic to all those things, which he was not; he ate the forbidden stuff on the sly and was fine. She told him that if he ever ate sugar he needed to eat activated charcoal as an antidote, because “sugar is poison.”

          She also refused to use any cleaning products because it was “bad for the environment” and frequently kept the kid home from school “sick” when he wasn’t; once it was because she insisted her neighbor had hexed him. No, really.

    18. BadRoommate*

      Ok this makes me feel marginally better about my college roommate situation! My freshman year I befriended another girl in my major and we were fast friends, decided to live together in the dorms sophomore year. It wasn’t until that summer before we moved in together that I started to realize I might have made a huge mistake. She and her mom were attached at the hip in a weird, co-dependent way.

      Thankfully her mom came and picked her up on the weekends so I had the dorm to myself and got a break from the drama, but during the week all bets were off. Her mom called every morning; they fought every morning. She’d call her mom at night; they’d fight every night. They fought over small matters and never to a level that I figured it was worth reporting to housing, but it was the consistency/frequency that got to me– and to her! Her friends and I tried to get her to lay off the calls and stay over the weekends to no avail. I finally gave up on being able to intervene and got up early to beat her out of the dorm and stayed out of the building until she went to bed because it was starting to stress me out.

      It seemed surprising at the time, but she dropped out mid-semester when she didn’t get the schedule she wanted and said that she never felt welcomed (she had friends! We wanted to hang out with her!). I’ve kept in touch with her over the years, she transferred and eventually graduated, worked briefly and has been living with her parents unemployed for a few years. Seems like their relationship has not improved a bit :/

    19. SheLooksFamiliar*

      I have to glue my head back together, it exploded just thinking about that.

    20. Jessen*

      I’m kind of hoping in another 10 years mom is sitting back wondering why her daughter moved with no forwarding address and changed her number.

    21. College Career Counselor*

      I know of a mother who *moved in* to her daughter’s freshman dorm with her. Stayed there overnight (and either hid or left during the day) for SIX WEEKS until the daughter’s roommate finally asked the RA whether this was normal.

    22. Jay*

      My daughter just finished her first year in college and has a friend whose mom called her every day to wake up up and reminded her when assignments were due. They’re going to room together next year (not my idea!) and friend’s mom decided the first room they drew wasn’t adequate, so she went to housing and got it changed – but didn’t include my kid. My kid called housing herself and found out there was another room in the apartment, and then friend’s mom took it upon herself to call housing FOR MY KID, who was livid.

      Meanwhile, I told her she had to manage getting her own prescription transferred to the local pharmacy and ended my text “Welcome to adulting.” Her response: “If you think I’m bad at adulting, you should see my friends!” I don’t actually think she’s bad at adulting – not at all.

    24. Tinybutfierce*

      I went to college with someone similar. Her mother and grandmother would come down every two weeks to do her laundry, clean (they wouldn’t “let” her clean), etc.

      Our school was in North Carolina. They lived in New Jersey.

      :|

    25. kitty*

      I had a residence neighbour who was super close to her parents – her mom used to visit overnight and sleep on her floor. Not really a helicopter story, but it always struck me as above and beyond parenting haha.

    26. CMart*

      “Her mother had just been doing it for the last 20 years so why stop now.”

      Man. My oldest child isn’t even 3 yet and I have been counting down the days when I can stop tending to her every need for some time now!

    27. Ammonite*

      I have a cousin who had her parents proofread every assignment she ever wrote through grad school. They thought it was sweet she wanted their help and always joked about how the schools should award them degrees too.
      I also had a grad school classmate who had his wife do all of the footnotes and citations for his 100 page thesis. His argument was that since the ideas in the thesis were his, it still counted as his work, she was just doing the “boring cleanup parts”. He also said that since they were married, it was “basically expected” that she would help him.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Somebody needs to introduce this guy to Endnote or one of the many available alternatives (assuming this was a relatively recent experience).

    28. JustaTech*

      Nothing this bad, but still weird: my freshman year one of my suitemate’s mom would come by some afternoons and just hang out on our couch balancing her checkbook until her daughter came back from classes and then they would go do something. Because “Mom” was around all the time (she lived locally) it meant that daughter had to continue to abide by Mom’s rules about things like pictures of boys in her room (oy). So her solution to this was to put all the pictures of her Bollywood crushes up in the shared lounge and claim that *I* liked them. Mkay.

      Another kid in our dorm that year was taken home by his parents every weekend (they were also local). This would have been super weird, since we were required to live on campus as freshmen, but this kid was really young (16) and while we weren’t that rowdy and didn’t drink that much, we all agreed that maybe they weren’t completely wrong. It did stop after freshman year.

    29. It'sFriday,Friday*

      I worked with a 17 yr old senior in high school who’s mom did everything for her. The only reason the girl had a job was because her mom was friends with the owners. All the girl did was stand at the cash register doing nothing/talking on her cell phone/visiting with friends that came in. As a cashier you were supposed to ring people up and straighten the store products if not ringing up customers. I came into work one day and the girl was yelling at her mom because her mom hadn’t balanced her check book correctly or some crap. I found out later from the other cashier that her mom was a psychologist or something. I did work that job for very long and I just hope that at some point that girl got some space from her mom.

    30. tinyhipsterboy*

      I had a roommate in college whose mother would randomly come and stay for days (weeks? I don’t remember) at a time to do dishes and make dinner. I don’t even know where she slept, come to think of it. Our beds were king-sized, so maybe he just shared his bed with her…? I was never sure if it was just a thing because he was an international student or your run-of-the-mill attachment problems, but it was always jarring to decide I wanted a snack only to have a random woman standing in my kitchen. Oof.

      This, though? The vetting and everything? That sounds horrifying and abusive. I hope the daughter has managed to set boundaries and find therapy. Jesus. She shouldn’t have to deal with that.

  5. Picky*

    Had to fire a young employee (she was nineteen or twenty, an adult in our jurisdiction). Did it kindly and according to union rules. Left her in my office so she could have a few minutes to pull herself together. Went back ten minutes later, her mom was with her. Mom had pushed her way past the front desk into a staff-only area, and when I arrived proceeded to lay into me about damaging the self-confidence of her child. I listened for quite a while (half an hour or so) nodding sympathetically. Then told them both they would have to leave and that I could talk to the former employee tomorrow by phone if she wanted more details and felt up to hearing about it. The union also heard from the mother, and even they weren’t having any of it.

    1. CR*

      I lost my job today and my mom wanted to write my boss an angry email! Thanks Mom but please don’t.

      3. Scarlet*

        That’s sweet. I wish my mom was still around to do stuff like this for me.

        Back when I was 16 and I had my first job in fast-food, the manager changed the schedule last minute but hadn’t told me. He was pretty surprised when I turned up for what I thought was my next-scheduled shift, thinking that I had quit and having terminated me in the system.

        My mother marched down to that Subway store and REAMED him out saying “you may have thought you told her her schedule, but YOU DID NOT!”. It was so embarrassing at the time, but now it just makes me smile and remember how great she was.

      4. Just Elle*

        Sorry to hear that OP.

        I was 20 working in an extremely Toxic Job (union supervisor) where a large man cornered me in an office and threatened to kill my dog. HR did nothing. I had to talk both my mom and dad from flying down there to beat the guy up. Honestly I think the guy should have been more afraid of my mom lol.

        I do sometimes have to appreciate the mamma bear instinct – makes you feel loved, until they act on it in a super embarrassing (illegal?) way.

        1. Picky*

          I think what I found particularly sad about this was the young employee thought the lecture from her mother was going to get her job back. She kept nodding and looking hopefully at me. I had the sense this routine had played out before.

      5. veggiewolf*

        My son was “right sized” (I really hate that term) from the company we both work(ed) at last week. I definitely had the urge to yell at the decision-makers when it happened.

        For the record, I haven’t and won’t.

  6. Sarasaurus*

    Oh, I’m so excited to read these! I haven’t seen anything too egregious, but have definitely had parents email looking for internship opportunities for their college-aged children. I usually just respond with a link to our the careers page of our website and tell them we encourage their child to keep an eye out.

    1. ursula*

      I don’t even do that, at the risk of accidentally sending the message that we are excited to hear from Junior on account of this call. We only respond with “Thanks for your email. We will only discuss possible opportunities with the candidates themselves, as I’m sure you understand. Best regards, X.” Zero further engagement.

      2. irritable vowel*

        One of the most satisfying things about working in higher ed is telling a helicopter parent, “I’m sorry, we can only discuss grades/class schedule/overdue library books/whatever with the student.” They’re just so…taken aback to be reminded that their child is an adult with rights that exclude them from being involved.

        1. Amy Farrah Fowler*

          I’m so glad you do this! When I was in college and had an issue with housing (disgusting mold growing on the walls of the dorm that made me sick), they really didn’t take me seriously or do anything about it. I was pretty upset that as a young adult, that was LIVING THERE that they didn’t take me more seriously. I hated having to do it, but I asked my mother to call in hopes they would do something. Turns out that when she called, they jumped and moved me to a different room.

          1. Alli525*

            There’s a difference here: a gross dorm room doesn’t fall under FERPA – I’m sure Irritable Vowel enjoys turning down helicopter parents, but they’re not doing it because they want to – they’re doing it because they’re legally required to do so. I work at a college and certainly hope that parents call in when there’s mold on the walls(!!)

          2. Proofin' Amy*

            Well, considering that students at the University of Maryland recently died from mold in their dorms triggering an adenovirus, it was the right thing to do!

          3. in a fog*

            Yep, same. My alma mater’s housing office “lost” my application for my sophomore dorm (while I had a confirmation number and printout of the transaction), and when I went in to speak to someone about it, they were like, “Sorry, you’re SOL!” So I called my dad since he was signing the checks and, magically, he was able to talk to the dean! I hated that I had to do it, but if they wouldn’t talk to me, maybe they’d talk to someone with money.

          4. anony-mouse*

            I had a similar experience. I advocated for myself as much as I could with trying to move my housing (a pretty intense roommate situation), but was so consistently gaslit, patronized to, and ignored that I eventually had my mom support me by calling into meetings with the housing people. I do think that her presence was what pushed them to finally act.

          5. JSB*

            We had a similar experience. College apartments notorious for blowing off the kids. Many, many verbal promises of maintenance, things to be handled. But later no luck with follow through. Bogus late charges. My daughter was self-directed, very capable. But at the end of her lease I had to step in and suddenly the leasing office backed off some unsubstantiated claims. Daughter did everything right; spent weeks calling, going by trying to resolve. But her being an “adult” didn’t help.

    2. frostipaws*

      I wish there were a word for offspring who are adults. I think it’s kind of ridiculous to refer to young adults as ‘children’. People who are old enough to drive, take out loans, rent an apartment, join the military, and vote are not children.

      1. AKchic*

        “Adult Children”. Just because it’s your “baaaaby” doesn’t mean the person isn’t a legal adult. Just because the “parent” in question didn’t actually parent properly and teach their grown child to actually adult in the real world properly doesn’t make them any less a legal adult with all the legal rights and responsibilities of a fully-functioning adult human being.
        Interpersonal relationships between the parent and child have no standing in the working world. I say this as an adult child who (unfortunately) works with her mother. We literally never bring it up to people. We look alike. We sound alike. But you won’t hear *us* mention our relationship. Usually it’s our boss who says something, or one of the coworkers who says something in passing to one of the newbies (who looks at us in confusion because we really do look and sound too much alike not to notice).

      2. Valprehension*

        “Son” or “Daughter” works fine in most cases – neither is inherently infantilizing. I don’t have a good age-neutral word for adult non-binary “children” though…

        1. Jakey*

          I’m an adult non-binary child, and when my parents are being chill they call me their kid, and when they’re talking to people who don’t know me they call me their firstborn. :)

  7. MuseumChick*

    Hired a kid for a part-time job. He was 20 years old and finishing up his college degree. Had worked at 2 – 3 other places before us. Among other things his parents 1) Would not let him drive to work when it was raining or snowing. They would drop him off and pick him up. 2) His first week they called him each day to “see how he was doing”. 3) Every paycheck he had to turn over to his parents to review “to make sure they were accurate”.

    He had an older sister and brother, both lived at home. Both had to hand their paychecks over for the parents to review.

    1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      “For review” Geez, that sounds like the parents were looking for a good way to ensure that the kids could make no attempt at financial independence. That way they can check for things like any direct deposit money being moved to an account they don’t know of…

      1. MuseumChick*

        Yeah, I honestly felt bad for the kid and his siblings. I meet his sister once and it was just so clear just how sheltered/controlled these kids had been. All three had attended to same college (I didn’t have the heart to ask if the parents had picked the school because I felt the answer would have made me sad), attended very similar degrees, all lived at home, etc.

      2. Jadelyn*

        Yeah, this is a level of controlling that is outright abusive. This sounds like parents who want to keep their kids dependent forever.

      3. Jessen*

        Yeah that one’s actually scary. I hang out on reddit’s raised by narcissists section and that sort of behavior is common on parents who are making their kids turn their paychecks over. Often with exactly that goal – making sure the kid can’t save up to move out.

        1. I have a pug.*

          When I was in my mid twenties I moved into my mom’s house for about two years after grad school. She charged me rent which I thought was fair. Then, when I decided to move out she manipulated/guilt tripped me into *still!* paying rent even though I moved away. (I had to prove that I loved her. She had supported me for over twenty-five years. She needed my money. Etc., etc., etc.) I was a young adult trying to become independent— and I was paying my mom ~ $400 each month. I paid my mom several hundred dollars for the rest of her life, and that’s not counting the times I gave her ~ $5,000.

      4. Tom & Johnny*

        It’s now a recognized form of abuse called financial abuse.

        And it’s designed to do exactly that, keep the person dependent and without options.

        It’s one method used in an arsenal of other abusive tactics. It doesn’t travel alone, but reinforces and puts teeth into the other ones.

    2. Zip Silver*

      That’s not entirely unreasonable. You hear about people (especially younger employees) getting screwed out of hours through creative accounting all the time, especially at small businesses and places like restaurants.

      1. MuseumChick*

        But once you are in your mid-twenties and had several jobs? This kid had already worked multiple place, and he siblings were both older than him (and I would assume had also been in the workforce for several years) and had to hand over ever single paycheck.

        1. Miss Muffet*

          right? At some point, if you are really trying to help a kid in case there’s fraud, you’d show them what you are looking for and how to check themselves.

          1. DerJungerLudendorff*

            In fact, that’s what you would do almost immediately.
            If they’re old enough to get a paycheck, they’re old enough to at least start learning those things.

      2. Liane*

        But having your parent look over your check is not the way for either child or parent to deal with the possibility of accidental or deliberate pay errors. Since paystubs–electronic or paper–can be cryptic, if it’s the (near-) adult child’s first job, OFFERING to go over their first check *with them* to answer any questions like “What’s FICA?”* or “Why there is a Medicare deduction* at my age?” is reasonable for a parent. ” NOT insisting on seeing every check they get and reading them so you can meddle.

        *Federal deductions in the States

      3. Observer*

        Nope. There are other, better ways to deal with this. Like (as others have noted) SHOWING the kid the first time and then OFFERING to look later on. Making the kid hand over the check is not the right way to deal with it, even if the parent is actually trying to protect the kid.

    3. Richard*

      One of my friends in high school had a similar paycheck situation with his dad, but that was more because his dad would beat him up and take his money for booze. Good reminder that some things that look like helicopter parenting are actually abuse.

      1. MuseumChick*

        This is a really good point. I never got the sense that there anything outright abusive going on in the home. Just a very odd family dynamic.

        1. Richard*

          Good to hear. At some point, though, controlling the way your kids handle money into their adulthood could turn into something abusive.

      2. DerJungerLudendorff*

        I’d go out on a limb and say that all helicopter parenting becomes abuse, if it goes far enough and lasts long enough.

        1. Autumnheart*

          Good metric. The type of parenting that would be appropriate for a toddler is definitely far too restrictive for a teenager, for example.

    4. AKchic*

      oof. I only review paystubs with my teens to help them understand the calculations and to go over their hours and make sure it’s all accurate. I don’t trust fast food/retail to get “creative” (I worked those industries before, and my husband has spent 20 years in retail… I don’t play with wage theft).

      They have their own accounts as soon as they get a job, and they learn how to balance a checkbook, manage money, and budget. My oldest got a lot more restrictions, but that was because he was using his money to try to fund his drug habit (long story there, which would derail) so he was put on an “allowance” and given limited access to his own funds.

    5. CynicallySweet*

      I mean… my Dad would help me make sure my paychecks were accurate. But I was a waitress and I had to make sure I was making at least $8 an hour between the check and my tips or I was owed money. Something about the math just would not click. Eventually he just made me a spreadsheet and I could do it on my own, but there are situations where this isn’t totally unreasonable (this just doesn’t sound like one)

    6. DYS*

      I can’t imagine my parents deliberately stopping me from learning something so basic to safety like driving in inclement weather. What if the parents were injured and couldn’t drive? Mine rarely actively taught me how to do things, but I was pretty motivated and curious, so I’d hunt them down and bother them till they helped me. (Or they were still at work, and I figured it out for myself. That’s one way to avoid being a helicopter parent – work 12 hour days.) The first time that it snowed after I got my license, I took care of everything on my dad’s chore list while he finished remote work, so I could practice driving on snow and learn all his tricks. Obviously helicopter parents are hilariously awful, but something like this makes me feel incredibly lucky for the parents I had.

      1. Mairsy Doates*

        When my kids were new drivers, I was often worried about them driving during bad weather/rush hour traffic/other difficult driving conditions. I refrained from saying so to them (other than the standard “drive carefully”), because I didn’t want my anxiety to make them anxious. The only way for them to become safe drivers in difficult conditions was for them to gain experience driving in difficult conditions.

        Fortunately we all lived through it without incident, and now they have enough driving experience that I no longer worry about it. I can understand worrying about your kid learning something that has bigger consequences for mistakes, but you have to deal with your own worry about it and let them learn the thing.

    7. CDNRx*

      I had a 23-24 year old coworker with a full on professional degree who still had to turn his pay stubs over to his dad. the mind boggles.

  8. The Original K.*

    I have a family friend who works in higher ed career services and she has a lot of stories. One that stands out is the parent who called career services ten years after her son had graduated (which puts the son over 30) and yelled at the career counselor because her son didn’t have a job. The counselor was like ” … Okay? Have your son make an appointment. Have HIM call us directly.”

    1. Elitist Semicolon*

      I received an email last year from a parent I know tangentially through a different context in which she explained that her son needed advice, and would I meet with him if she told him to make an appointment? It actually contained the line, “I let my children make their own decisions.” Uh, no you don’t, lady.

      1. InfoGeek*

        So, I don’t think this is so egregious? But maybe there was tone and context….

        She knows you. Her son doesn’t. It’s up to her to approach you and ask if it’s okay to share your contact info with her son and if you’d be open to talking to him.

        1. Elitist Semicolon*

          That’s fair! I forgot the important context, though: I work at a university and am an advisor for the student’s major department, so her email came across less as “hey, we know each other; can you give my son professional advice?” and more “hello advisor to whom my son is assigned; if I tell him to talk to you, will you do your job?”

          Sorry about the omission!

    2. M&Ms Fix lots of Problems*

      Have also spent some time working in higher ed, yeah I’ve had a few angry parents on the phone who didn’t want to hear “no, due to FERPA I cannot tell you the grades of your 21 year old child.”
      One of these parents even showed up in person to curse me out for following the laws. When you are like this there is a reason that the child who is paying their own tuition isn’t going to tell you anything…..

      1. Brett*

        I attended a rather expensive highly competitive school (in the 1990s) where many people were only there because of their academic scholarships. It was amazing how many people were forced to drop out because their parents basically got bent out of shape about FERPA and decided to refuse to submit FAFSA data. (I ended up dropping out and losing a full ride because my father refused to submit FAFSA verification forms, though it was because he didn’t want to disclose his financial information.)

        I particularly remember one women from my first year dorm whose parents demanded that they pick her classes because they wanted her to be pre-med and she did not want to be pre-med. She was having regular panic attacks because she registered for additional classes besides pre-med classes, and her parents were fighting the registrar for access to her records (badgering her for a full FERPA release). Her parents refused to fill out a FAFSA and she was forced to transfer and move back home.

        1. Observer*

          For anyone who thinks that “helicoptering” is somehow distinct from abuse. This is a perfect example of how the two often overlap.

        2. Acornia*

          Yep, this was me in the late 80s. AND my parents didn’t give me a penny yet continued to claim me on their taxes, which meant I never got any taxes back.
          Eventually I just started claiming myself and prayed my parents would get audited because I could prove I supported myself and they couldn’t prove it.
          Sadly, that never happened. They continued to claim me as a dependent on their taxes every year until I got married! (Which is hugely sexist and gross, especially since I’d lived on my own, supporting myself for 8 years at that point!)
          The whole FAFSA thing kinda sucks, because of the assumption that parents can/will help. You can be totally estranged from your parents and their income counts against you!

        3. Blarg*

          I had to drop out for a while cause my parents simply hadn’t filed their taxes so I couldn’t do my FAFSA. I almost got married to my boyfriend at the time so I wouldn’t be a dependent anymore. Thankfully we decided I’d take the term off and work and see if they bothered to file. They did so I went back to school. The “you are a dependent until 26 unless you have a kid or get married” rule is awful.

      2. TinyRaptor*

        Also higher ed, and good lord, heli-parents do not like FERPA, but good luck getting around it! FERPA yelling is par for the course in the industry, so you become immune pretty fast.

        My favorite FERPA story: a student showed up to our office needing to fill out a FERPA release; they were being held hostage by their parents—no FERPA release meant no funding from the folks! The student was clearly angry about it, but wanted the degree, and therefore was proceeding with the release.

        We explained the form and the release process, and midway through, the student got this grinch-esque smile on their face. See, at our institution, FERPA release-ees had to correctly identify themselves, their student, and recite a verbal password or passphrase for ID verification. The password was set by the student when they submitted the release paperwork.

        Long story short, that student’s parent had to tell us something about how they’d just pooped their pants every time they called in to check on protected information. To my knowledge they never used their access…

      3. M&M’s Fix Lots of Problems*

        For those that are wondering that particular 21 year old was a military veteran (honorably medically discharged at 20) which also made him independent from his parents and not in need of FAFSA info. He joined the Marine Corps the day he turned 18 to get away from his parents. They weren’t involved at all in his school or personal life, and he was so glad that FERPA meant that we wouldn’t tell them anything.

    3. College Career Counselor*

      This surprises me not at all. I’ve had parents call for lists of alumni to set up networking opportunities for their students who were “too busy to do it.” Uh huh. Sure.

      Then there was the senior I asked whether he had an updated version of his resume. He looked confused for a moment, then replied, “I’m not sure–my mother keeps track of all my important documents and papers.”

      1. Rainy*

        I got a call last summer from a parent of a graduate student who hadn’t even started yet trying to enlist my support in making him “change his major” from one master’s program to another because she thought it was a shame he wasn’t “pursuing his art” and thus “wasting his immense talent”. First of all, she was talking to the wrong person–the program he’d been admitted to has its own career advisors, and we rarely see students from that program. Second, I know nothing about the various niceties of that program and adjacent programs in the same College, as we don’t work with those students, see above. Third, I had to explain like she’s five that in grad school you do not “switch majors” on a whim; he was admitted to a program and that was the program to which he’d been admitted. A different graduate program in a totally different College is not going to just let him switch in the week before classes start.

    4. Alexis Rose*

      I worked as a an assistant to a dean at a university for a while, and I had a parent once threaten to tell her member of parliament about how her son was being treated at the university. Um, ok lady. Politicians get involved with like, passport applications, not the fact that your adult child lied to you about when they dropped this course you’re trying to get refunded. My line with parents was always “Your child is a legal adult, I cannot discuss any aspect of their involvement at this university due to privacy concerns. If they want to call us back and delegate you to speak on their behalf, they can do that, but until then, I cannot disclose anything to you.”

      I have lots of parent stories, I felt bad for some of the kids…. no way are they being set up to succeed or make decisions on their own.

    5. M*

      Not as egregious as many here, but I used to work as a student rights advisor – basically, one of the people hired by the student union to support students at risk of being kicked out for poor academic performance. A big part of our job was accompanying students to hearings. Students were only entitled to one support person – usually us.

      I’m from a country that doesn’t have as much of a helicopter parenting issue as the US, but every now and then we’d get parents turning up with their kids and planning to go in. We had a little script for handling it (“completely understand why you want to; what preparation have you done for the hearing; OK, here’s why we don’t recommend it”), in large part because a lot of our role there was to take extremely careful notes in order to support appeals and most parents weren’t up for doing that. Usually, they’d decide to wait outside, but it was *always* the worst prepared ones who’d insist that only they could possibly support their precious child. Worst thing was, the panel members usually weren’t idiots – if a parent had insisted on attending the hearing, it was a pretty big red flag that the kid didn’t have the maturity to get their act together and complete their degree under their own steam, so it pretty sharply counted against them.

      (Of course, the worst one was the international student from a decidedly patriarchal country whose family had paid for her *brother* to fly over during the summer holidays to attend her hearing, but not *her*. Thankfully, the panel handled that one correctly (refused to meet with the brother without the actual student there, insisted on rescheduling so that they could call her and do a tele-hearing instead).)

  9. Karen from Finance*

    I haven’t seen this one personally, but it’s a story a former boss told me once.

    My then-boss was at the salon on her day off, when she was approached by some random woman who said:

    “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing that you work at Big Company Inc. I was wondering if you could help me. My son started working there recently. But he just broke up with his girlfriend so he hasn’t been going to work all week, apparently he’s supposed to have been going to some training* this week so I don’t think his boss knows yet. Can you find his boss and explain the situation to them? I’m worried he’ll get in trouble”.

    *There’s a 1-week onboarding training for all new joiners at that company, that was probably it.

    My then-boss was flabbergasted, explained to the lady that her kid was going to get in trouble but that there was nothing that she could do. She never did find out what happened, but we all assume he got fired.

    2. madge*

      I’m in academia and while this mom was way out of line, she’s probably the most polite helicopter parent I’ve heard about, ever.

      When I worked in graduate admissions, it was a weekly occurrence that a parent would call demanding that their kid have the right whatever, even though a deadline had long passed and we prided ourselves on being available and helpful since it can be a bureaucratic nightmare. We noticed a pattern that none of us had had calls or emails from international students’ parents even though we have a large international community. I’m interested to see comments from places outside the U.S. on this topic.

      1. Karen from Finance*

        Well, I’m in Latin America.

        It’s not that I can’t imagine the kind of behaviour you describe in universities, but I can only quite picture it in the most expensive, rich-people universities. Our largest universities are public, free, and academically excellent, but they’re also well-known for being underfunded and kind of chaotic. Any atttempt to make any demand there would be shouting into the void, so I don’t imagine anyone trying to pull that (or anyone listening if they do).

        1. Cami Brooks*

          This is 100% a perfect description of how university was for me. Also Latin America!

      3. Anonimous*

        There are probably many reasons to this:
        – Helicopter parents don’t let their kids go this far away from them.
        – when you are an international student, you have already been on your own figuring out all the admission document, Visa, etc, so you don’t go whinnying to mum and dad
        – language barrier

      4. Anax*

        I do wonder to what degree that’s a difference in cultures, and to what degree it’s… goodness, what good helicopter parent would ever allow their child to go SO FAR AWAY? And to such a dangerous, lawless country as the US?

        (Seriously, the non-US folks I know all kinda feel like the US is a Fallout game. I can’t blame them.)

        1. HB*

          I work in higher ed too and a colleague was just telling me yesterday about a new problem cropping up – students are applying to study abroad, get accepted, pay the fees, etc. and then decide to drop out at the last minute because they’re too stressed by even the thought of leaving. Not even getting there and changing their minds, just copping out at the last minute. Apparently it’s affecting the universities because they have these students ready to go and suddenly they’re a no show.

          1. IEanon*

            Yes, this is a problem, though I prefer that students make that call before they actually head over to the university. We’re seeing a rise in students who can’t stick out the first couple of weeks until the culture shock wears off, and that’s a much bigger headache than withdrawal before the semester starts.

          2. Tom & Johnny*

            As someone who studied abroad and insisted on doing it for a full academic year rather than a semester (and had to fight tooth and nail to do it), this upsets me. The scholarship I found to go, which I wouldn’t have been able to go without, required me to come home and evangelize about study abroad to students at my home university. Which I dutifully did and turned in my reports to the organization.

            I was typically met with vast indifference when talking up study abroad. So many students couldn’t be bothered to even imagine the idea, let alone explore actually doing it. I can confidently say I influenced exactly no one at my home university to study abroad after me.

            I don’t know if it upsets me more that most students, from what I could tell, don’t care. Or that those who do care and who actually want to do it, are not following through.

          3. Anne (with an “e”)*

            This saddens me sooo much. My sister and I both studied abroad in both undergrad and graduate school. It’s challenging the first couple of weeks, but after you become accustomed to everything it’s an invaluable experience.

            Speaking of helicopter parents though, the mother of one of my sister’s friends once contacted my mother to ask about helping her daughter prep to live abroad. (At this point my sister had graduated from undergrad and was living, studying, and working in Japan.). The mom of sis’ friend wanted to know about obtaining visas, work permits, housing, etc. The other mom also asked my mom what she had done to help my sis. My mother, who was extremely nonplussed by this call from the other mom, told her that my sis had handled every single detail on her own, that mom had no idea where to even begin about giving advice about moving to Japan. The only thing my mom had done to help my sister was drive her to the airport.

        2. AH*

          Family member works at the college and told me she had to introduce cultural sensitivity training for this very issue. They had students from India who, when dealing with an issue such as appealing a grade, would have their family show up to the appointment. To us it’s invasion of the student’s privacy, but to them it’s the family’s duty to show support.

      5. Blue Anne*

        Eh. I dunno. Not that I can speak for the entire world other than the USA, obviously, but… I’m an American and went to college in the UK, and found my college administration way too eager to speak with my family, even though they had all the restrictions about speaking only to the student and I had explicitly selected all the options to not give them any permission to talk to family. Mom is nuts. I don’t want them talking to her.

        Then I had a snafu with a semester’s tuition. I talked with my mom about it, and she (without my knowledge or permission) emailed the bursar’s office. I called in the next day to work it out, only to be told “Don’t worry, we’re talking with your father and I think we have it all taken care of.”

        My dad died when I was in high school. They had not only talked with my mom when they weren’t supposed to, but assumed that an email from Dr. Blue must be from a man.

        Looking at you, University of Edinburgh.

        1. DYS*

          The only time I knew of a friend’s parent stepping in on their kid’s college issues was when one roommate I knew had been getting the run-around from the registrar, bursar and grant office for months. They’d screwed up something and her aid package hadn’t come through correctly, so she was penniless from August till March. Couldn’t pay rent, couldn’t pay tuition (they still let her go to class and register since her case was “pending” I think), and she kept getting hassled for not paying tuition by the same people who were the reason she couldn’t pay tuition. Eventually her dad emailed the president of the college directly, the president arranged a sit-down meeting with all parties and it was resolved in a week. But this was after he’d let her manage it on her own (with advice from him but nothing else) for almost the whole year.

      6. IEanon*

        We get a few emails/calls from international students’ families, but they usually have questions about visas, customs procedures and US health insurance issues. Those are all under the umbrella of topics we can discuss without getting into FERPA (since it’s mostly sharing and demystifying Dept. of State info), and very understandable.

        My experience is that the international students are MUCH more independent upon arrival, though some of that has to do with the fact that self-reliant individuals are more likely to opt into studying outside their home country.

      7. AH*

        The assistant dean at my university told me that she’s had to field phone calls from parents demanding to know why they haven’t received invitations to their children’s graduation ceremonies, and the truth is their children dropped out of school and didn’t tell the parents, but privacy policy meant she couldn’t tell them…

      8. DYS*

        I have a friend who’s a high school teacher. Most of her kids are okay (it’s a rich school district) but there was one kid with a registered medical issue who’s had CPS called for him multiple times because his parents enable and encourage him to duck out of as much work as possible. (They also do nothing to manage his medical issue. Physical as well as mental abuse, yay!) This was among the first helicopter parents my friend encountered, and it was probably the worst she’s seen. He would be out for weeks for medical issues (due to not managing it correctly) then come back and ignore the extended deadlines for his work. Or he couldn’t come to school but could do work from home, which meant the school considered him fit to do work, and not do the work even with all the materials provided and access to email for questions. His parents bullied, cajoled and threatened to get him through high school, but eventually the school drew a line in the sand, and I don’t know whether he graduated on time. Kid was either gonna die early of unmanaged medical issues, suffer enough damage that he couldn’t be physically independent, or live the rest of his life in his parents’ house.

      9. Jasnah*

        I think there is a big big difference between helicopter parenting of international students studying in the US, and helicopter parenting of young adults in their own countries.

        Would you call or email your kid’s study abroad school in Korea for anything less than a dire emergency?

    3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      OMG, this is gold. That mom just spilling her son’s stuff all over a stranger/maybe colleague like that!

      Also my kneejerk reaction to the idea of just calling off work for a week because you broke up with a GF/BF, yikes on so many levels.

      1. misplacedmidwesterner*

        I have called off because of a really bad breakup. BUT I had been at the job several years for that point. I actually called my boss and said “I can’t come in today”; I didn’t just not show up. And I only did it for one day. (Beyond that I had a stellar record of attendance and employment.) One day of me crying in bed (actually it was 3, because it was friday off and then the weekend) was acceptable.

        1. Karen from Finance*

          Yeah I think your case is more justified, it’s like taking a mental health day off. I can understand that.

          This guy just stopped showing up and hoped no one would notice. Like, dude.

        2. Ginger ale for all*

          I called out because my fiance broke up with me a few days before the wedding. We worked together and I needed some time before I could be in the same room as him.

      2. Electric Pangolin*

        A friend stopped showing up to work for *a year* after a bad breakup. Clinical depression can be like that sometimes. He was previously a valued enough employee that they even took him back when he showed up again after his savings ran out!

  10. NewHerePleaseBeNice*

    I’m a trainer. Quite a few (probably 10+) years ago, before I even heard of a Helicopter Parent, I was running an induction session for an IT company, and one of the guys turned up with his mother, who expected to be able to sit in the classroom all day next to her son.

    I told her there was company-confidential information contained in the induction course (which was true!) and that she had to leave. She was NOT happy, and reported me to the HR department. Her son did not pass his induction.

    1. Observer*

      I think that if I were HR, Mom’s complaint would lead to a SERIOUS conversation with Junior. And, if Junior were not totally apologetic and willing to commit to keeping Mom out, that would be the end of his position.

    2. Taylor Swift*

      The term helicopter parent has definitely been around for more than ten years.

      1. Acornia*

        Yes, but she says she hadn’t heard it at that point, not that it didn’t exist.

  11. Jennifer*

    Nothing too serious in my case. I live in the south where everyone freaks out at even the hint of snow. When I was younger, anytime snow was forecasted, all of us on the team would get a call from our moms telling us to go home. We would guess whose mom would call first and the most often.

    She still checks to be sure I’ve left work when it’s going to snow, but she texts now.

    1. Landshark*

      At least that one is kind of cute–hell, my dad’s been known to notice a huge storm near my commute over the summer and shoot me a text to just remind me to be safe.

      3. Essess*

        I’m 50 years old, and my mother will still send me emails or texts about storms heading my way. I’ve given up trying to tell her that I get weather forecasts in my state too.

        2. AKchic*

          I live in Alaska (2nd generation born and raised). My grandma has lived here since 1960. For some reason, ever since she became homebound, anytime she hears the word “snow” in the weather forecast (she watches tv ALL day), she calls me and my mother and demands that we “stay home, just in case, to be safe”… even if the forecast called for snow in New York and not Anchorage, Alaska.
          My former MIL in New Jersey at least will warn me of weather patterns she’s heard in my own state. “I heard about a snowstorm in some area called Bath-al. You be careful!” *sigh* It’s Bethel, and nowhere near Anchorage. It’s like her worrying about a rainstorm in the Midwest actually affecting her right then and there. Appreciate the sentiment, but chill? We can keep track of our own weather?

        3. Alli525*

          You should beat her to the punch next time and send her screenshots of your weather-app notifications. Do this enough times (especially if you live in one of the areas in the U.S. that have been having odder-than-usual spring weather) and maybe she’ll get the hint!

      4. Jadelyn*

        My mom leaves her work before I leave mine most days, and she listens to the local traffic radio stations on her commute, so she’ll sometimes call me ten minutes before I leave to let me know to avoid a particular freeway. There was one time the backup was so bad – a whole direction on one of the two freeways most people use to get to our location was shut down completely and estimated to remain that way for several hours still – I thanked her for the heads-up and then passed it along to folks at my branch so that others who commuted that way could also avoid it.

        1. TheRedCoat*

          That makes me miss the days when I had the same commute as my mom, offset by a half hour. I’d call her on the way into work and warn her about traffic/speed traps, and she’d call me on her way home for the same thing.

        2. Drew*

          My dad has never figured out that my sibling and I have GPS and don’t need step-by-step directions. Real and only slightly paraphrased recent conversation:

          Dad: “We’re meeting for dinner at Well-Known Local Restaurant. From your house, you’ll have to–”
          Drew: “Just give me the address and I’ll get there.”
          Dad: “There are some tricky turns. The first one is…”

          And that’s when I stopped listening, because I’d already pulled up the restaurant’s address, typed it into Waze and found that his very first turn was a bad idea because of a wreck on that street. I just “uh-huh”ed a lot until the call was over.

          Reader, I was waiting for 20 minutes because my Dad was stuck behind that wreck.

        3. M&Ms Fix lots of Problems*

          Honestly I’ve done that before at a prior job – warned others I knew traveled the same way that there was a big traffic snarls either plan to hang out a bit or pick a different route.
          I think there’s a difference between warning people about traffic along their route and calling with questions from another state about a weather pattern they heard about on tv.

          1. Shoes On My Cat*

            At Old Job, there were only 3 ways to get in from the main metro area/affordable housing, all at least 30 minutes…and all two lane highways with curves and mini mountains. If anyone got stuck in a traffic snarl, it became customary to call the company security office, who in turn would send a mass email so managers got a heads up that expected shift workers would be late and HR also had a record in case of anyone getting penalized for tardiness they had no control over. Some of these delays would last three hours!

      5. annalisakarenina*

        My parents do this too: My sisters and I are older and scattered now, but they track the weather wherever we’re living and check in when it’s supposed to get ugly.

    2. Clisby*

      Ha! I was wondering if the parents who wouldn’t let the kid drive to work in case of snow was from the South. Although, Museum Chick’s post didn’t sound like snow was a once-in-a-blue-moon kind of thing.

      2. Shoes On My Cat*

        My Dad is from the central Midwest and my family now lives central west coast. He calls and lectures me on safe driving when a heavy rain storm is predicted, ie my tires, go slow, how to handle wet roads. The whole shebang. I tune him out now because there are only so many times I’m willing to cut him Parent Slack after reminding him that I used to OFF-ROAD IN MONTANTA DURING THE WINTER FOR WORK REASONS-Mostly in two wheel drive (rear) Because challenge. I also learned to navigate off-road with a 15 passenger van without 4×4, including crossing small creeks and a swampy area. And I grew up navigating in a metro area on urban roads. Dad, you did a good job teaching me skillz, let’s talk about your new hobby!! He was too busy when I was young to helicopter but now that he’s retired…Oi!

        1. AKchic*

          Retired boys are the worst. They can be lovely when we think back on them fondly, but in the moment, they can be the worst to deal with because they can be so overbearing and boundary stomping and have “The Best Intentions” while still devaluing your own experiences and expertise because they think you are still their (grand)Child.

          I miss my grandfather, but at the same time… I do not miss my grandfather. Love that man to pieces, but he had his Opinions and his Notions and there was no dissuading him once he was set on Helping. Even when I didn’t ask (and I rarely ever did).

    3. Lynca*

      I think that’s a requirement for being a mom in the South. Mine does the same.

      But I understand the reasoning. I did get caught up in an infamous ice storm and it took 12 hours to make a 1 hour trip home. Unfortunately for me I ended up crashing my car 5 miles from home. Better than a few people at my office who had to sleep in their cars on the interstate.

    4. Pilcrow*

      I’m in my mid-40s and my mom does that, too! I live in an neighboring state*, but she watches the Weather Channel… My suburb is at a major highway intersection and it sometimes gets mentioned by name. It’s gotten a little better now that I can work from home during snow storms.

      *We’re less than 200 miles apart so our weather is similar. What happens in my area usually shows up in her area a few hours later.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Sounds kinda like my mom, I live in the Chicago suburbs and she lives in northern Indiana.

    5. Rebecca in Dallas*

      Haha I’m 37 and my mom still calls or texts warning me about driving in the snow/ice.

    6. Kitryan*

      My dad does check in when there’s bad weather- I appreciate it since I don’t listened the radio or watch broadcast tv I’m not in tune w/that.
      However, at one point I actually semi regularly called my dad for weather info on behalf of my boss. The big boss at the law firm I was receptionist at lived in the suburbs about 15 min from my parents. The streets in that area could be very different in snowy weather than the main roads. My boss would ask how the roads were and I’d text or call Dad for the man on the ground scoop and then big boss could make a judgement call on whether he should drive home or stay in the city.
      A bit odd but it worked.

    7. Anne (with an “e”)*

      When my uncle retired he used to drive around his small city in North Carolina and then call my cousins to give them detailed reports about road conditions including pot holes, road construction, etc. He would then advise his adult daughters on which routes to take/avoid that day.

    8. CoolInTheShade*

      My grandfather used to “call the kids home” when the weather started getting bad (all of his children and grandchildren lived on the same plot of land). I even used the line “because you don’t want to hear from my papa!” jokingly when my boss asked why I was so insistent to leave early on Christmas Eve when it was about to start icing. (The boss ended up not letting me go home early, and I celebrated Christmas Eve huddled in my car’s backseat in the gas station parking lot I got stuck in when the ice came. But my grandfather was a wise man who knew that I was an adult who had to make my own mistakes and learn to stand up for myself to my boss).

      The first time the weather got bad after my grandfather passed, I was heartbroken not to get a stern text ordering me to get back home.

  12. Associate Witness*

    I have a bunch of examples where the coworker was the helicopter parent. They mostly involved partners demanding that associates review the partners’ kids admissions materials, including to “punch up” an essay with jokes.

  13. RKMK*

    I worked at a university so, ahem, a tonne. The most egregious was working in MBA Admissions and having an applicant’s mom calling, a couple times, to check whether the materials were all in. It’s bad enough when parents try to get involved at the undergraduate level (like, legally, we’re not allowed to deal with you, your child is an adult and has legal privacy protections) but if your parents are still involved in a graduate program application, nope, instant red flags. The kid (we immediately all considered him a “kid”, because his mom called in) didn’t make it to the interview stage.

    1. Magenta*

      Was this because he didn’t meet the standard or because of his mother’s behaviour? He can’t help it if his mum is a nutter!

      1. Jennifer*

        He can’t, but I understand not admitting him because of his mom’s over the top behavior. It sucks for him but who wants to deal with that?

      2. Allison*

        That’s true, it’s an unfortunate situation, but if the applicant with a helicopter parent gets admitted to your school or hired for a job at your company, you now have a student or employee with a helicopter parent who might continue to cause problems. Once the parent gets involved in the application process you have to figure they’re a package deal, and decide if you want this meddlesome person to keep calling about their kid’s problems.

        1. The Original K.*

          Right – I can absolutely understand not wanting to sign up for years of dealing with this parent, because that’s what you’d be doing. If the parent is like this at the application stage, odds are great they’re not going to be like “Whew, my adult child is in, I can back off now.” This is the parent who calls HR to sign up for benefits or emails professors on their adult child’s behalf to dispute their grades.

        2. MsM*

          Also, for an MBA program in particular, it’s not a great sign of leadership potential if he hasn’t figured out how to manage Mom yet.

          1. RKMK*

            Also, as I said in another comment – other comms we had with him indicated he’d encouraged her, i.e. “Hi, I asked my mom call in earlier and she said that you wouldn’t speak to her directly?”

            1. Shoes On My Cat*

              Yikes!!! You did him a favor-just by indicating that his mom was separate from his profession. Hopefully that little seed will sprout into a sturdy forest of oak trees!

          2. Not Mommy Dearest*

            Also, for an MBA program in particular, it’s not a great sign of leadership potential if he hasn’t figured out how to manage Mom yet.

            This is an incredibly unkind — and frankly ignorant — comment. You assume, for example, that mentally ill or toxic parents can be successfully “managed.” Almost to a T, they cannot, short of going no contact. And while I sympathize and endorse going “no contact” with toxic people, I also don’t think it should be a requirement.

            I have a joint JD/MBA from a Top-10 program. My mother is mentally ill. She has harassed my bosses (at very prestigious employers) because she objected to the countries they would send me to on business trips. She has harassed work colleagues. I’m at the point I have to proactively warn employers about her. I’ve tried not telling her where I work, but that’s difficult in an age of LinkedIn. I’ve tried “very little contact,” which causes her to start calling the police in my city (she lives far away) to request welfare checks. Various relatives tell me that it would be “cold” to go no contact with her.

            Since you’re so wise, I’d appreciate your sagacious advice about how I’m supposed to “manage Mom” in a situation like this.

            1. Curmudgeon in California*

              Witness Protection? /s

              Yes, that was sarcasm, but it almost seems that only a legal name change and another move would get her out of trying to run your life. You have my sympathies.

            3. Susana*

              That sounds awful – so sorry you had to deal with that.
              In this case, however, MBA candidate was clearly encouraging his mother to call. And that’s not acceptable.

            4. Sue*

              Tell her if she does it again, she won’t hear or see from you for 3 months, 6 months, whatever, and stick to it. Do that every time. I’m glad your jobs have not given you a hard time about it, but she could end up losing you a job, and if you have kids & a mortgage to pay, that’s no joke.

            5. P peace*

              To get help. Why would an adult take on the abuse that you won’t manage. Its abuse to them also. As is said on this site many times you aren’t owed a job. People get on disability for mental problems. Abuse affects mental health. That isn’t said harshly but maybe it should be. The difference in helicoptering from another type of abuse is at least it’s indirectness. Who would tell a woman dating someone whose parents mistreated or judged her to go after his parents? No one. You’d tell her to let the partner go.

            6. Verdant Hectares*

              Sounds like you’re going to have to do the same thing my husband did with his mom, or I did with my dad. Go off-grid as much as possible, delete your social media accounts or just don’t use them anymore, scrub your personal information from the web, change your number, etc. and then inform her that you will check in once a week, but other than that, she needs to leave you alone. No talking to your friends, your work, your boy/girlfriend, whatever. Do your check-ins in person or via an email you only use for family. Do not give her anything else. No other contact info. Not for her, and not for anyone else who might give it to her.
              Let the receptionist at your work know that you’re having problems with a stalker, and that they cannot confirm your employment to anyone, nor should they pass through anyone who isn’t a known client (or whatever their policy is for handling this sort of thing) not even if the caller claims to be your mother. Have a similar conversation with your boss.
              If she tries to interfere after that, you call her on it, tell her flat-out that her behavior was unacceptable, and because of her actions, you are no longer going to enable her. And then you cut contact.
              This will be hard. Other people who have been enabling her are going to try to guilt trip you into coming back. They will try to sweet talk you, and when that doesn’t work, they will get angry. They will say mean things. They won’t understand why you’re doing this. Deep down, they will be jealous that you got out, and that jealously will only fuel their need to pull you back in. If they have to suffer, why shouldn’t you?
              I am sorry you’re in this position, but that’s the only way out.

      3. Hills to Die on*

        No. He needs to cut the apron strings, tell his mom to back off, and if necessary, not give her any information about what he’s up to. It is his responsibility to remove this nonsense from his life.

        2. RKMK*

          For more context, it also wasn’t the type of MBA program that people are encouraged to apply to right out of undergraduate – it was designed for people with preferably 4-5 years of work experience. The average age leaned more 28-30, so a 22 year old having his mom call in to check on his materials went over extra bad.

      4. RKMK*

        Communication with him made it apparent he’d enlisted her to make the call, and it made us look at the rest of his package a little harder. Where we might have given benefit of the doubt in resume fluffing to proceed to the next stage, we decided to move forward with other borderline applicants instead.

        1. LitJess*

          That’s helpful context. Sometimes I wonder in these helicopter parent situations how much the kid is aware of what’s going on. It sucks to see someone punished for their parents’ lack of boundaries, but that wasn’t the case here.

          1. Sue*

            Some just don’t realize that their parent isn’t normal until they get to college & compare.

    2. Mel*

      A cousin of mine is in admissions for an honors program at a large university. Her parent stories are wild.

    3. Sister Sue*

      This! I have no problem with students bring parents or spouses when they are gathering information and need a second set of ears to hear everything while they are learning about a program. It’s a big decision and a lot of information. But I once had a graduate student try to bring their mom to orientation. This is the equivalent of your mom taking your first night of class with you. Red flag, red flag, red flag!

      1. Prof*

        We recently had a PHD APPLICANT who brought his mom to his interviews with the faculty. All of us were flabbergasted.

  14. NoHelos*

    I work in a doctoral program for a healthcare field. I have heard of parents calling the Associate Dean of the school to about their child’s grades. I have personally dealt with parents calling in about their child’s required immunization documentation. Mind you, all students have already completed 3-4 years of college before being admitted to this program and they will exit with a doctoral degree.

    A friend works in the College of Liberal Arts and when his Dean was addressing a group of parents he reminded them that their children would be picking out their nursing homes so they (the parents) better make sure they’re capable of such decisions. Apparently there was much nervous laughter.

      1. JustaTech*

        I had a high school teacher use that (“You’ll pick their nursing home”) to calm down my hysterical classmate whose parents had just informed her (in April, long after college submissions were in) that they would not be paying for her college at all.

        I always wonder if that relationship ever got repaired?

    3. ursula*

      In the mid-2000s, a friend of mine who is an academic had to report one of their undergraduate students for blatant, foolishly obvious plagiarism. It was not an edge case – this was ridiculously bold-ass copy and pasting. In a disciplinary meeting, the kid’s parents show up. After the Dean explained what happened, to much resistance from the parents, the Dad says ruefully, “I just thought, after 9-11, that we could all come together.”

      1. fposte*

        That is wonderfully bizarre. You’re right, Dad, the takeaway from 9/11 was that cheating is okay now.

      4. Jadelyn*

        I literally just made that Leonardo DiCaprio squinting face meme expression when I read that. Wha???

      7. Krista*

        My mother, who teaches at a university, once gave a student a C on an essay. The student’s father called to complain about the grade, and could not resist explaining to her that his area of expertise was the subject-matter of the essay, and he (the dad) had written the essay himself, and so he knew that it was an A essay, not a C essay. My mom responded “now it’s an F essay.”

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Calling in about the immunization documentation seems…vaguely reasonable. I know my mom was The Keeper of the File Cabinet of Childhood Records until I was done living in various student housing and rentals in college and grad school since I was traveling pretty light in those housing situations, so I think I called her to have her fax my immunization records places as needed, since those were with all of the other kid record stuff at her house, plus she had a fax machine and I did not. Since I got the immunizations themselves when I was a little kid, it was definitely mom in charge of the records at the time (I think she actually kept them recorded with/in my Baby Book since it had a place for them).

      If my grad program had wanted my 5th grade report card I probably would have had to ask mom to fax that too, but since all they wanted was undergrad transcripts I ordered those just fine on my own.

      1. pentamom*

        I was thinking this, too. I’m the keeper of all the permanent important records for all my kids who are living in non-permanent housing (college, military, and in one case employer-provided housing.) When things like this come up I scan and send them to the kid who then turns them in, but I don’t think the parent directly providing the info is THAT much worse if the parent is essentially the kid’s records management service.

        1. nonegiven*

          I handed over the original vaccination record when he went away to college. I told him it was on him, now.

        2. Shoes On My Cat*

          Having been the kid appreciating my mom’s willingness to be Keeper of Important Documents until I had a settled housing situation-into my late thirties due to a career requiring lots of moves and moving light, I totally agree! The key is however, that the request for information is made to a person, person turns to Information Holder and requests said information to be forwarded. Parent never directly communicates with business/higher ed.

      2. RandoPerson*

        I’m late 20s and my mom still has my immunization records, birth certificate, social security card, etc in her safe. I have a passport so I have everything I need for work (i-9) and I’d rather stuff was kept separate aside from her living in more permanent housing from me. Difference is I call her when I need the stuff and fill out forms myself. If I needed a scan then I’d get her to scan it and email it to me, then I’d send it in myself. I understand the days of faxing were likely a bit different.

    5. Allornone*

      I’ve seen that happen too! I worked in the Graduate School Main Office while I was an undergrad at my university. I didn’t have to deal with her, but some mom was FURIOUS at some hiccup regarding her son’s dissertation defense. That’s right, she called for her son- a GRADUATE student at a well-respected university, who was close enough to graduation to have completed his dissertation, yet seemingly unable to deal with a common situation himself. Weird.

    6. blackcat*

      To be fair, my mom talked to my university health center about my immunization when I was starting my PhD, and it wasn’t being a helicopter parent. I was being told I couldn’t sign up for classes without documentation of the chickenpox vaccine… which I never got. I did, however, get the chickenpox in 1990. The health center wouldn’t accept my word about it (fair–I was a toddler at the time), but they did accept my mom signing a sworn statement. Initially they wanted medical documentation for me having the chickenpox, which would have been hard considering my mom never took me to the doctor (why? to infect other people in the waiting room?) and also my childhood pediatrician died in 2000 and we have no idea where the records went (but immunization records are kept by schools).
      They seemed so skeptical when I tried to explain why I wasn’t vaccinated, but they were totally happy to discuss the matter with my mom. Apparently they don’t care much about either FERPA or HIPPA?

      1. Grace*

        Wouldn’t a blood test showing you had antibodies to the vericella virus have been sufficient and FERPA/HIPPA compliant proof?

        1. M&M’s Fix Lots of Problems*

          Sometimes you won’t get a positive result for antibodies if you only had a really mild case. That’s why many places go with signed proof of the disease first.

  16. Cambridge Comma*

    I can’t be on LinkedIn because in the past my mother has copy and pasted my work history and applied for jobs that I don’t know about. Usually ones that I wouldn’t be qualified for (wrong field) but at employers I would have liked to work for. It’s very misguided helicopter parenting.

      1. WorkIsADarkComedy*

        Such serious boundary issues there. You have my sympathy.

        I would imagine this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you want to see some useful advice about dealing with these types of issues, you could visit http://www.captainawkward.com .

    2. Less Bread More Taxes*

      You can block people on LinkedIn and ensure only those who are logged in can see your work history. I had to block a parent for different reasons before.

    5. Clisby*

      Good lord. You’re definitely in the running for most bizarre helicopter parenting story.

    8. General Ginger*

      Whoa. That’s not OK, and I’m sorry that’s something you’re dealing with.

    10. CoveredInBees*

      And this nonsense is why I try to give the “child” some benefit of the doubt where it is at least possible that they didn’t know what was happening.

    11. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      I feel your pain–that’s really extreme. I actually had to block my mother on LinkedIn because every time she got on the phone, she’d go all shriek-harpy on me telling me to change my profile picture because it was skanky and completely work-inappropriate, then say in the same breath, to get professional photos done like your cousin Agatha Cristie, CEO of an electric finance firm. Then I’d say I couldn’t afford it, then she’d say you should’ve become a doctor and that you’re not making enough money. Then I had to block my dad because he’d tell her everything he saw on LinkedIn and be her bottom-feeder spy. Not a great look.

      1. AMT*

        I just realized my mom does this, too. Like, not the skanky thing—she just tells me I look high. Like, in *every* picture I post on any social media platform. I’m starting to recognize her in a lot of these posts. Good thing I’ve learned to shut it down.

    12. Yvette*

      I swear there was a letter here or comment in the past here like this. Was it you?

      1. Doctor Schmoctor*

        I remember a letter from somebody whose mother created a Twitter account in her daughter’s name, and then she used it to “network” on her behalf.

    13. AKchic*

      I have stalker issues with an ex-husband, and had to be very careful about what I put on my LinkedIn profile too. Nothing current. No real contact information, no face images, leaving off a few jobs that he knew about and could easily track.

      Now I don’t even bother with LinkedIn.

  17. DoctorateStrange*

    At the library, I have mothers all the time coming in to find all the job-seeking resources we have. Which isn’t an issue, except it is always their sons sending them there while they stay at home. The mothers always spending 3+ hours looking for everything. One mother even cheerfully told me that her son was relaxing at home while she did this. These women were usually in their fifties and up, so it’s more likely that some of these sons were 20 and up.

    1. Karen from Finance*

      Are you sure that the sons are actually sending them, though? Maybe that’s the way they are perceiving it, but their kids are either job hunting online or not job hunting at all, and they’re taking it upon themselves.

      1. DoctorateStrange*

        A couple of them did introduce themselves by saying their sons sent them over. Of course, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them were also taking it upon themselves.

        1. TootsNYC*

          and some of those people who take it on themselves might frame it, especially to others, as “my son sent me.” Because then they look like a designated agent (I have been that for my child, once when she needed to find a surgeon in a hurry AND study for finals AND wrap up everything at the end of the school year), and not a buttinski.

        2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

          I can imagine there was at least one case of the son thinking that this was a good way to get mom out of his hair!

          2. Karen from Finance*

            Yeah, I can imagine doing something like this if I was in this situation!

          3. Beth*

            This was my thought! My mom is good about this stuff, but I’ve been in the position of needing to find something to occupy my dad just so he’ll butt out and let me do my thing…

          4. drpuma*

            I can imagine there was at least one case of the mom thinking that this was a good way to get her son out of her hair!

          5. M&M’s Fix Lots of Problems*

            I will admit to having done this once (female) to my mom who was being a buttinski. I was applying to everything I was qualified for but wasn’t getting a lot of callbacks. It was also right after college graduation, and there were tons of other people doing the same thing. I found a job after seven weeks of looking but my mom started driving me nuts and getting on my case after the second week of active hunting. She just needed some channeling to keep her from hurting my job hunt.

      2. Blue*

        Yeah, this could go either way! Even if the kids were sending them, I could definitely see this as a low-risk way to channel an overbearing parent’s focus. Like, you insist on being involved in my job search? Ok, here’s a thing you can do that won’t reflect poorly on me to employers. Probably not the most likely scenario, but it could easily happen.

        1. DoctorateStrange*

          Honestly, I can see that. The mothers were usually nice but they were always so persistent on so many little things.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I can imagine that. It took my dad a long time to learn that “pounding the pavement” and popping in to local businesses to ask for a job doesn’t really work anymore, at least not when you’re a 40-something with a PhD. If I still lived in the same city I could see him trying to find opportunities for me even though he badly misunderstands the nature of my industry.

      3. AKchic*

        Sons: “Mom, that’s not how job hunting works nowadays, but if you want to waste your time at the library, go right ahead!”
        Mothers: “So, my son sent me down here while he’s at home relaxing and playing on the internet today…”

        (yeah, that’s how my grandma would categorize it too)

  18. JokeyJules*

    oh, also

    Every few months a man calls to see if we have any jobs open for his son, who he says is the most brilliant engineer in the world. I’m honest if we do, though no positions at this company require engineering. I always tell the dad this, but he insists that his son is so smart that he will do excellent at any job and tries to give me his email so i can send him (the dad) an offer letter for a position so that he (the dad) can approve it for his son.
    I’ve told the dad a few times that it would be absolutely better for the son to be applying for his own jobs, but the dad insists that the son is too busy to apply for jobs so the dad will get the perfect one for him. apparently regardless of whether it is something the son wants to do or is qualified to do.

    1. EPLawyer*

      So you’re supposed to just offer the job to the guy based on dad’s word? What happens if you do send an offer and Dad decides its not good enough?

    2. Anonya*

      Whoa, is dad is cray. I seriously don’t understand how any functional adult believes this is a good idea. In these cases, I feel sorry for the adult child.

      1. JokeyJules*

        the caller ID name, speaking accent, and sounding age of the dad made me think that either this might have been a cultural norm for him for most (or the beginning) of his working life, and nobody ever told him that it’s different now and in my country.

    3. Ms. Taylor Sailor*

      “Most brilliant engineer in the world?” 1) I can’t imagine anyone older than 7 saying this with an ounce of sincerity. 2) Then it’s all the more concerning he’s unemployed, unless of course the reason he’s “too busy” is because he’s on the verge of some incredibly engineering breakthrough he’s accomplishing on his own time, but I wouldn’t bet any money on it.

      1. JokeyJules*

        there were a few times i wanted to be like “look, if he is the most brilliant engineer in the world then he can engineer himself a job”. But i doubt that would have helped anyone. so i politely refer him to our website and remind him that his son should be the one calling.

      2. Jessen*

        Assuming he is in fact unemployed. We’ve seen a few stories here where the adult child is quite contentedly employed, but in a position that the parent thinks isn’t good enough.

        1. Ms. Taylor Sailor*

          Very true, I didn’t think of that immediately, particularly with how desperate Dad is making the son sound. In that case, then he certainly was busy for a good reason and all the more reason for Dad to back the hell off.

          1. Jessen*

            I frequently tell my mother I’m “too busy” when it really means “picking all the cat fur out of the carpet by hand would be a better use of my time than dealing with you right now.” I speak excuse quite well by now.

      3. nonegiven*

        It sounded to me like the son was busy because he already has an engineering job that he likes, it’s just not good enough for dad. Maybe the place he works is too far away, it’s a company dad never heard of, the son uses it as an excuse to say he’s too busy to do something else dad wants him to do. Not necessarily unemployed.

    6. HQB*

      Is there some reason you don’t say something like “We can only discuss employment with actual applicants, so if your son is interested he will need to contact us himself.”? Repeat as necessary: “As I said, this is something we can only discuss with applicants.”

    8. AKchic*

      “Sir, if he is too busy to apply for himself, we are unable to discuss any potential jobs. You need to stop calling on his behalf. Thank you.”

    10. Pomona Sprout*

      Uh, Dad? That’s not how this works! That’s nit how ANY of this works! LOL *facepalm*

  19. Fulano de Tal*

    A few years back, I frequently interviewed applicants for Air Force officer training school. They were all college graduates with at least a master’s degree. Each was applying to be a military officer with the responsibility that comes with that. I was shocked by the number of parents who wanted to sit in on the interview.

    One was quite insistent, claiming that she was there “just to help.” I explained to her that it would be inappropriate for her to sit in because I’d be discussing sensitive issues with the applicant (questions about medical, drug use, and arrest histories). “THERE’S NOTHING MY CHILD IS GOING TO TELL YOU THAT I DON’T ALREADY KNOW,” she exclaimed. I don’t know what shocked me more, her yelling at me or the fact that she referred to a 27 year-old as “my child.”

    2. Observer*

      Maybe you should tell these parents that if their child needs “help” with an interview, that’s a proof that they are not qualified for the position.

    3. Rusty Shackelford*

      I don’t know what shocked me more, her yelling at me or the fact that she referred to a 27 year-old as “my child.”

      The most shocking thing to me is that she thought the only reason she shouldn’t sit in on her son’s interview for Air Force officer freaking training school would be because she might accidentally overhear one of his secrets.

      2. AL*

        Son or daughter? Recognise the familial relationship bur don’t refer to an adult as a child…..

      3. Rosaline Montague*

        For adults, I would say by their name. At least that’s what I do for my teenagers.

  20. Catsaber*

    We were talking about this yesterday in a meeting I had with several other managers at the university I work at. Because it’s a big school, we’re used to seeing some helicopter parenting for incoming freshman, or people around the 18-19 age range….which is kind of understandable for someone who is a brand-new adult.

    But it’s worse when it’s the seniors! They were describing cases of students who were aged mid-to-late 20s with parents making their phone calls, coming to classes, and actually doing their coursework! College admissions scandal, anyone?

    Anyway, the worst I ever experienced was a father who called for technical support for his daughter. She needed some help with submitting an assignment for an online class, or something like that. I got that phone call, and kept asking to speak to the daughter directly. The father kept on saying, “Oh no, she doens’t like to talk on the phone…” and he would just yell my questions to her, and I could hear her yell her responses back to him, and then he’d repeat what she said. It was maddening. We never got her issue solved.

    1. SeluciaMD*

      Oh HELL no. You were so patient to go through all that rigamarole with that father. I’d have been tempted to say “She may not like the phone but that’s the only way she’s getting help. YOU are not a student. I’ll help her directly but I can’t talk to you any longer. Tell her to call back when she’s ready.”

      I can’t even. What the hell is wrong with people? I’m amazed the dad didn’t tell her to get over her phone issue or be prepared to fail her assignment.

  21. Pink Marshmallow Bunny*

    I know this is not the worst story of helicopter parenting, but here’s a personal story of mine. Despite having an excellent driving record, my mother has always been weird about me driving anywhere, even as an adult.

    Eight years ago when I was 29, I was interviewing for the job I’m currently working at now. I had been living in NJ at the time and the job was in PA, 30 minutes away from my childhood home where my parents still live. I had driven down from NJ the night before and stayed overnight at my parents’ house to make getting to the interview easier the next morning.

    Despite the office being in an extremely safe and easy-to-get-to area, my mother kept trying to INSIST on driving me to the interview and staying there until it was finished.

    “But I’ll just wait in the car!”
    “Mom, that’s not appropriate.”

    “But I’ll take you to lunch afterward!”
    “You can take me to lunch after I drive back to your house after the interview.”

    “But nobody will see me there! I’ll just be in the car!”
    “It’s JUST NOT PROFESSIONAL.”

    “You’re being really stupid!”
    *sigh*

    I eventually told her about how I read that interviewers like to walk candidates back out to their cars after interviews to check and see if the car looked neat/tidy, in order to get a sense of how the candidate operates. And that if my interviewer did that and found my mother sitting in the car, there’s no way I’d get hired despite being very qualified, because that sort of thing makes a candidate look really immature.

    I got my way, but she pouted like a child for hours. And more importantly, I got the job (and drove myself to the interview and back without incident).

    1. Kelly L.*

      As an aside, I had no idea interviewers did that, and I find it super invasive and skeevy! It sounds like they’re likely to judge the prestige of people’s cars or to judge them if they take public transport, on top of judging the cleanliness or whatever they’re supposed to really be doing.

      1. Landshark*

        In my experience, I’ve seen this used as a cautionary tale a lot about caring for ALL aspects of your appearance, but I personally have never seen it happen. I’m sure it does in some cases, but I can’t imagine it’s super common.

      2. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

        I read that as a white lie to get mom off Pink Marshmallow Bunny’s back…

      3. Kathleen_A*

        I’ve never heard of this either – and I hope it’s not true (partly because of the intrusiveness factor but also because it seems like a wildly ineffective tactic to me) – but I’m glad it was enough to convince Pink Marshmallow Bunny’s mom.

      4. Observer*

        I’m with the others – it sounds like a tactic to get Mom off her back.

        Let’s face it, if my kid told me that I would point out that it’s a HUGE red flag, and they would think a moment and agree with that. *BUT* they would never tell me that to keep me or my husband from driving them to an interview! The kind of person who thinks this kind of thing is appropriate would not realize how invasive it would be for a boss to inspect a candidate’s car.

        1. Pink Marshmallow Bunny*

          I had actually read about this being used as a tactic by interviewers for some types of jobs, although I had never personally witnessed this or ever had it happen to me. I agree it’s creepy and invasive. That being said, it was a very convenient thing to be able to tell my mother in an attempt to get her to back off. And it worked!

          I’m also pleased to report that the interviewer did not walk me out to my car, or anything weird like that. :)

          1. Curmudgeon in California*

            IMO, if an interviewer was going to judge me on the age, condition, cleanliness or brand of my car, I would rather they just tell me so I can nope out of the interview.

            My car is old, cheap, needs a bath, and is our only car. I don’t consider it a show piece, or spend a lot of time and money on its appearance.

            If I need to do so to fit in at their company, I’m definitely not a fit for the job.

          2. Boomerang Girl*

            Maybe they do it for sales jobs for which a person would be driving his/her own car to client businesses.

      5. iglwif*

        I have never heard of an interviewer doing that (it certainly would not fly in my city, where MANY MANY people do not drive to work because parking is horrific) but I would 100% make something like that up to prevent a parent from sitting outside while I was interviewing!

      6. nonegiven*

        My son flew down to the town he was moving to for a job, to arrange housing. For the apartment he was applying for, the people wanted to see his car. He was coming from a place with really good public transportation and didn’t have one, yet. I guess they didn’t count the rental he was driving against him.

      7. Hannah*

        I’ve actually heard this as a tip for landlords interviewing potential tenants, not job interviews. It makes a lot more sense in that context.

    2. Landshark*

      Tangentially related story, because man, I could and should have learned from you. I accidentally allowed a helicopter situation.

      Right before I did my student teaching, my car was in the shop for a day or two, so I had to hitch a ride down for a preliminary meeting with my administrator and cooperating teacher with my boyfriend.

      It was just after a school shooting on the news, and lots of schools had tightened up security, so he couldn’t stay in his car in the lot. That would’ve been a really bad idea.

      Instead of being reasonable and just telling him to GTFO for a bit, because he didn’t know the area, I somehow had the bright idea of suggesting he WAIT WITH ME IN THE FRONT OFFICE.

      Yeah, my supervising professor chewed me out HARD for that later, and I deserved it.

      1. General Ginger*

        I’m sorry, I think I’m missing something. Why was it wrong for him to wait for you in the office?

        1. Health Insurance Nerd*

          Because it’s inappropriate to bring your boyfriend/SO/partner/parent with you to work meetings.

          1. General Ginger*

            She’s not bringing him into the meeting, though. Having a S/O wait would be completely normal in my office.

            1. ICUAdmin*

              For a job interview?
              I can totally see having your S/O wait in the front office while you popped in to grab something out of your office or something like that, you know, after you had been working there. But I would find it truly bizarre for a job applicant.
              In the last 5 years I’ve scheduled literal hundreds of interviews and only had 1 person bring someone with them to wait in the waiting room. And that was only the tip of the un-professionalism iceberg with that candidate.

              1. General Ginger*

                I don’t see where OP said it was a job interview. They were already set to student teach, but needed to meet with their administrator about it.

        3. DerJungerLudendorff*

          There are no explanations that will make you look better as a candidate, and quite a few that will make you look worse. If nothing else, it can come across as bringing your personal life into your proffesional job.

          It’s not like it’s a massive red flag like a parent chaperoning you around, but you’re better off not risking the negative implications.

        4. Landshark*

          A few reasons… 1. It would have just been better to have him drive off and pick me up later. 2. It’d have been best that my first impression was that of someone independent with personal boundaries. 3. I was super nervous, so I probably explained it super awkwardly too.

      2. Snarktini*

        I have always been independent and have the opposite of a helicopter mom, yet still ended up in a taking-mom-t0-my-interview situation once by accident!

        I was interviewing for jobs in San Francisco (living in Chicago at the time) and since that was one of my family’s fav cities, my mother flew so SF to meet me and make it a vacation. I had an interview in a part of town we’d never been to so she thought it would be fun to tag along, intending to hang out in a cafe or explore the neighborhood while I was in the interview. We were sure she would be completely invisible to the company, and we could have a little adventure after my meeting.

        It turned out that area was an industrial ghost-town! There was NOTHING, not a single restaurant or cafe or public building or lobby mom could be in, and it didn’t look very safe either. We had taken public transit, so there was no car. There were no cabs (and this was 15 years before Uber). It felt so sketchy we didn’t want to split up and leave her at the bus stop.

        I felt like I had to take her in with me, explain, and ask that she be able to sit in their lobby. It was so embarrassing! They were surprisingly kind and not-weird about it, but since I didn’t get the job I wonder if that was a red flag for them. This wouldn’t happen today — I’d have put mom in a Lyft, plus I’d have known from Google Maps that there was nothing there to begin with. But the 90s were a different time!

        1. Busy*

          Wow, that sucks.

          It is like one of those situations where you keep screwing up the first impression by meaning to: like spilling coffee on them, or telling an evil cat joke and theirs just died. Like no saving anything, and it is no one’s fault! Just stupid circumstances. Oh, those things drive my control freak ass insane!!

    3. TootsNYC*

      I really, really balk at being asked to call people to let them know I got home safely. Like, I had a fight w/ my MIL about it once on a rainy night. It feels like a little curse, to me. As though I’m starting out the drive with the expectation that I am very likely to have an accident.

      I was telling my own mom (who lived half a continent away) about it, and I said that I don’t call HER to let her know I’m safe if I’m driving in bad weather. She pointed out that she wasn’t AWARE I was driving in bad weather, and that seeing me start out might put her in a different mindset. (Though I can tell you: Even when I was a kid living in her house, she never, ever said, “call me when you get there so I know you’re safe.”)

      But that might explain it. That said, I’d be with you–I think your mom’s worries (if that’s what was the motivation) are HERS to handle, and making you help her deal with them by her riding along is out of line.

      1. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

        This is such an interesting perspective! My parents only asked me to text them when I got places in bad weather for the first year after I got my license but never again after that. However, my friends and I do this all the time when we leave each others’ places late at night, whether we drove ourselves, walked, or are taking Ubers. I’ve never really questioned it before or thought of it as a “curse”

      2. ThatGirl*

        If the weather’s terrible (I don’t just mean rain, but like, severe thunderstorm, bad snow, etc) I want to know my friends got home safe. I don’t see it as a curse at all. But you’re certainly allowed your POV of course.

      3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        We’ve lost family members in traffic incidents, so my mom always did want a “check in” when we were younger. She couldn’t sleep at night if she was wondering where her kids were and if they had gotten to where they were supposed to be. There are a lot of horror stories about not realizing until the next morning that Kid didn’t come back the night before.

        Sometimes I forgot and she never freaked out, she’d just call and check in and then go “oh okay, cool, I can sleep now, see you later.”

        We also lived in a rural area though, so if I had driven off the road, without someone knowing to look, it could take a long time to find a person out there. Or if I broke down on a long-ish road trip but nobody even knew I was out there, yikes yikes yikes.

      4. Pink Marshmallow Bunny*

        “I think your mom’s worries (if that’s what was the motivation) are HERS to handle, and making you help her deal with them by her riding along is out of line.”

        THIS. Soooo much this.

        1. Amy Farrah Fowler*

          I think there are reasonable accommodations to others’ worries/fears (hey, text me when you get there, okay?) versus unreasonable accommodations (I need to drive you because I don’t trust you to be safe even though you’ve shown no evidence to the contrary).

        2. Sue*

          My daughter & I both let each other know when we’ve gotten somewhere safely. We’ve lost family members too. It’s no big deal to text when we’re safe, but I don’t think you should HAVE to do it.

      5. Been There*

        My family runs on the assumption that “no news is good news” most of the time – though in especially bad weather I still let them know I’m home safe

      6. schnauzerfan*

        My mom is a call me when you get there safe person (I’m 58) if she texted she’d be demanding a text. So once upon a time 15 years or so ago. My car broke down in a cell dead zone 90 miles from home. No traffic, but it’s ok because Mom will be expecting my call and she’ll send help. HA. Highway patrol finally stumbled on me about 3 in the morning. Sent a wrecker, loaned me a phone so I could arrange a ride home…

        She still wants me to call and I still give her guff about it.

        1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

          My parents operate a “call when you get there” approach to holidays (vacations).
          It works both ways though – dad sends texts when the plane lands, sometimes with a photo, and then I don’t hear from them until they’re back through the front door.
          They’re in their late sixties, and I’m nearly 40. I wouldn’t consider it helicoptering.
          MIL, on the other hand, in the days when she still flew abroad, went through a whole rigmarole of explaining where her copies of her passport, travel insurance, luggage lock combinations and even her *will* were kept before she would even consider going to the airport! Every. Single. Time.

      7. Bortus*

        I’m over 50 and (at their request) I still call my parents when I leave their house and drive home to let them know I’ve arrived safely. I consider it a gesture of respect, not helicoptering at all. shrug.

        1. Ms. Alex*

          My friends and I do this to each other too, especially if we’re traveling in bad weather. :-)

      8. iglwif*

        My family is very much a “let me know when you get home so I know you got there safe” family. It’s never bothered me! Mind you, I haven’t lived with my mom since I was 18, so in my adult life this manifests as “text me when your plane lands” which is … not that big an infringement on my time or autonomy lol.

      9. Gumby*

        Eh, my mom wants me to let her know when I arrive safely back at my home after I leave her house – but it’s a 5+ hour car trip and not a big deal to shoot off a quick text when I arrive. That seems reasonable to me. She doesn’t panic or anything, but if it’s been 7 or 8 hours she’ll text to make sure I just forgot and am not somehow stranded on the side of the freeway.

      10. Former Help Desk Peon*

        I was 25 when I finally moved away from home (ie finally had a job that made it affordable!!), my mom wanted me to call her EVERY NIGHT when I got home from work. No mom, not happening.

        1. Observer*

          That’s very different from calling when you reach wherever after you leave someone else’s place.

      11. ICUAdmin*

        This just seems like a small courtesy to undertake for someone who loves you and is going to worry about you whether you want them to or not.

      12. Bagpuss*

        That’s an interesting perspective.
        My parents ask that I let them know when I get home if I am driving back after visiting them (and will do the same if they visit me), and i have always seen it as something which is very little effort for me, and reassuring for them, so it feels like a small courtesy rather than anything else.
        Mind you, it probably helps that my parents are the reverse of helicopters – they’ve always been really good at encouraging us to be independent and have made a conscious effort not to interfere – I’m sure it feels totally different if you’ve grown up with controlling or over anxious parents.
        Plus my mother has explicitly acknowledged that it isn’t a particularly rational anxiety – she knows I do lots of driving at other times. The difference is whether she knows I am on the road!

        (non-helicoptery anecdote. When I was 17, I went to France on my own to visit a pen-pal. This involved me travelling to and across London, the via a cross-channel ferry and more trains to Paris, crossing Paris and getting more trains to Blois. It wasn’t until I was about 30 that I happened to be having a conversation with my mother about this trip and she admitted that she had not slept for a week before I went, and was practically climbing the walls the whole time I was in transit, and that she and my dad had spent much time over the weeks leading up to the trip talking one another out of telling me I couldn’t go (Originally, the plan had been for a small group from my school to go, but the others dropped out )
        But as far as I was concerned at the , my parents had been nothing but supportive, gave no signs of being worried and seemed to assume that OF COURSE I would be fine, and would have no trouble navigating the public transport of a foreign country and visiting people I hadn’t ever met…!)

        1. Silence is Golden*

          Along those lines, I think the best thing my mom has ever done for me is keep her fears and reservations about my decisions to herself. Wanted to dye my hair blue, so she got a recommendation from a coworker and took me to the salon. Wanted to study abroad in Japan and eventually moved there, she completely supported me. Got a tattoo a month ago and I know she’s not a big fan, but after making sure I was 100% aware of the possible repercussions she didn’t say a peep.
          A few years ago, she opened up and told me she had had reservations, but trusted me to pull it off so she didn’t say anything so I could make my own decisions. (My dad has not quite mastered the “silently supportive” role, unfortunately. I’ll be in for a couple lectures when he finds out about the tattoo)

        2. pandop*

          At 16 I went to Bulgaria to visit the pen pal who had been to visit me the year before – when my parents took her to the airport, they asked the staff to look after her, as she hadn’t travelled much before. I made it quite clear they were not to do that to me. They didn’t, but they did drive me to the airport too, which was nice.

      13. Observer*

        That’s completely normal and NOT “helicoptering” at all. And, especially in difficult driving, it’s a reasonable worry. I wouldn’t have a fight about it, but I would be rolling my eyes SO hard.

      14. Kateagory5*

        I also hate this! Along with “be careful” whenever I’m traveling or doing anything. Well I wasn’t going to but now that you’ve said it….ok.

        1. Ms. Alex*

          I tell people, “I’m telling you to drive safely not because I think you drive UNsafely but because it makes me feel better.” Like somehow I’m able to wish upon them safe travels. My friends have come to realize this is one of the ways I show I care – that and checking on them if the Weather Channel shows bad weather in their area. :-D

      15. Hepzibah Pflurge*

        We call that “courtesy texting” among my family/friends who do that.

      16. Curmudgeon in California*

        The traffic is sufficiently crazy in my town that my spouse is less nervous when I text them to let them know I’m on the way home. Plus, they can start dinner and be closer to done when I arrive. Yes, it’s a little anxiety driven, but doing it keeps them calmer/happier. Happy spouse is a happy house.

    4. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

      One time my dad drove me to an interview, but it was in the middle of the Chicago loop where parking is impossible, and I’d never taken the train before. He dropped me off outside the office and never showed his face inside. I don’t think I mentioned that he’d done that to the interviewers — and I got the job — but I’m still on the fence about if that’s cringeworthy or not.

      1. starsaphire*

        See, I think getting dropped off (by a parent or spouse or whatev) is totally OK — no different than taking a taxi, really.

        1. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

          Right? It’s free and minimizes the risk of arriving late because of parking or whatever. As long as you hide it from the company I guess?

      3. Lynn Marie*

        Not cringe worthy because it’s something you’d reasonably ask a room mate to do for you or you would do for them.

      4. Pink Marshmallow Bunny*

        I don’t think this is cringe-worthy at all. I think it makes a lot of sense and was a logical way to handling getting to the interview.

        It also sounds like you welcomed the help, and that it was truly help and not a parent stomping on boundaries or treating their adult son/daughter like a child. To me this seems like a win all around!

        1. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

          So I think the reason I commented on your post at all is because I was failing to see the difference between your story about your mom driving you to your interview versus my dad driving me to mine. At first I thought that you were saying it’s unprofessional to have a parent drive you, period, based on the responses you said to your mom. But I guess the difference is when it’s just because your parent WANTS to be your ride whether you want them to or not, or if them driving you isn’t the most logical option. Do you agree?

          1. Pink Marshmallow Bunny*

            I think there’s a big difference between when a person asks for a ride from a parent and the parent drops them off and then goes away so the person can conduct work/interview business on their own, and when a parent is trying to make a person accept a ride from them when they don’t want to accept and also does not plan on going away.

            To me the differences are in what the person getting the ride wants (do they want the ride at all, or do they not?), whether the parent is truly trying to be helpful as opposed to letting their own worries take over and being overprotective, and whether the parent simply gives them the ride or hangs around against the person’s wishes.

            In your case, it seems to me like you welcomed the ride and help, and that your parent was truly helpful and helped you because they cared about you. I also think drop-offs like yours make sense and happen often in a busy city and/or when you didn’t know where you were going. Plus, your parent left right after dropping you off. I see zero problems with doing it this way.

            In my case, I did not welcome the ride, I resented the infantilizing attitude, I realized that my mother was doing this not to help me but because she was anxious about me driving somewhere (her issue, not mine), and I did not want her parking in the workplace parking lot and hanging out there. This was a small company located in the suburbs and in its own building, and I knew exactly how to get there. Therefore, in my case I did not feel like her offer of “help” was reasonable or logical.

            I don’t think it’s always unprofessional to have a parent drive you. But it really depends on the specific situation and the people involved in that situation.

            1. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

              Well said! I’m glad you were able to get yourself there in the end and I hope your mom’s anxieties have improved since.

            2. tamarack and fireweed*

              Well said. I don’t think there’s any drop-off arrangement that’s necessarily, on the face of it, unprofessional. If A and A’s mother happen to live on the same commuting route, and it is convenient for them to carpool, and for some reason — preference, practicality, or even stuff like a vision impairment or aversion to driving — it makes sense for A’s mother to be the driver every time, there’s nothing at all wrong with it. It can be a mutually beneficial arrangement between adults. It would be inappropriate and unprofessional to judge a co-worker just because their mom drops them off every day. It’s the underlying conflicts and/or attitudes that would make it helicoptering.

      5. league.*

        I think that’s totally normal. Parent as transportation is fine! Parent as unpaid job assistant, or unpaid job-interview assistant, is not.

      6. Pebbles*

        If your dad didn’t stick around and only came back to get you once you were done, I’d say you’re fine. How are the interviewers to know that was your dad? People can take Uber to job interviews, right?

      7. Jadelyn*

        I don’t think it’s cringeworthy – it’s no different than any other rideshare, or asking a friend to drive you or something. If the involvement begins and ends with the driving part, I don’t see the issue.

      8. Jen2*

        I think it’s perfectly fine. There’s no way for the interviewers to know how you got there.

    5. Nep*

      Nicely done!

      I’ll admit, I’ve driven my husband to interviews now and then. But each time I’d explicitly come to the town to check it out to see if I wanted to move there or not, and I certainly did not wait in the parking lot for him. (And there’s definitely a difference between a spouse dropping one off and a parent.)

      1. The Grammarian*

        I’ve done the same thing—flown into the city where my partner’s job interview was, rented a car, dropped him off at the interview, went and checked out apartments, picked him up from the interview. It would have been weird to go inside or to sit outside in the car.

      2. Curmudgeon in California*

        Heck, sometimes my spouse will ride to an interview with me because they have something they want to do in the area, and they’ll wait for me in our car after they are done. This often saves us mileage.

    6. giraffe*

      I had an old boss who used to send someone out to the parking lot to see how tidy an applicant’s car was. I found out about it after I’d been working there for a year or so and they were hiring a new person.

      My car is *always* a mess. The day of my interview, I’d borrowed my mom’s car, which is much nicer and cleaner than mine! I can’t even remember why I didn’t take my own; I just liked driving hers because it had a better stereo. I still wonder if they wouldn’t have given me the job if I’d had my own car.

      (In case anyone is wondering, the boss who did this was a terrible boss. Duh.)

    7. vw*

      That’s invasive. I’m a very neat and organized person but my car is… not.
      It’s got 200k+ on it, I have a dog and I regularly engage in outdoor activities (there’s equipment for at least four in there right now). It’s paid off and it does what I need. I’m not going to put money into making it look better.

    8. Clay on my apron*

      I’d never get a job if that happened. I have way too much on my plate and keeping my car clean is never going to take priority over making sure my kids eat, walking the dog, or getting to work on time.

    9. Lazy Cat's Mom*

      I never thought I had helicopter parents but this this is making me realize that I did, at least a little. Still, this post makes me recall a particular event that honestly made me appreciate my parents a lot.
      I was just graduating from University of Maryland (22 yrs old) and got an opportunity at a newspaper in Delaware. They wanted me to come take a skills test at 7pm at night. That was the only time they would do it. The paper was hours away from school. When my parents heard they flipped out because I would be driving several hours each way at “late at night.”
      So my dad insisted on driving me. When we got to the paper, he insisted on staying in the car even though I told him it would probably be ok. He must have realized it looked bad.
      I didn’t get that job but I always thought it was amazing I had a dad who would drive all that way just to take me to an interview.
      Of course there’s also the time I was 28, been on my own for 6 years and came home at 1am to numerous messages on my answering machine (before cell phones). My parents were freaking out about my whereabouts and the last message said they were going to drive down and check on my.
      I immediately called home and my brother said they were getting in the car. Luckily he ran out and caught them. He, of course, found this hysterically funny.
      Despite this, I was lucky. There were lots of times they encouraged my independence, even sending me off with a youth group for two months at age 17 to visit another country.

  22. Taryn*

    A couple of jobs ago, I was the manager of a retail operation…I had this 16 year old employee who was useless and her mom demanded to speak with me all the time about her daughter (what does this mean on her paycheck?? Why did you write her up for missing a week of work?? Why did you schedule her on this shift?? Why did you have her working on this role for the day, when she prefers that role??).

    Because she was a minor, my boss said we just had to deal with it…fine, whatever, it’s annoying but whatever.

    Only problem was, this girls 19 year old sister also worked with us…and her mom tried to ask all of the same sorts of questions about her, and would absolutely flip her lid when I would explain that her 19 year old daughter is an adult and I couldn’t discuss any aspect of her role/job performance/position with her.

    Oh she did not like that. She did not like that at all.

    1. Orbit*

      Parents like this were why we didn’t hire anyone under 18 at my last retail job. Our district manager had too many issues dealing with parents over the years.

      I had to deal with the mother of a former employee once, after we let her go for missing 3 consecutive shifts and not answering any of the messages we left for her. The mother was adamant that it wasn’t her daughters fault she missed the shifts or the messages because she had lost her cell phone. So how was she supposed to know we were calling her.

  23. CatCat*

    This was law school, but I still get irritated thinking about it. I went to law school at age 27 after 5 years in the working world. It was within the first couple weeks that that my mom called the school the express concern that she hadn’t heard from me in *a day* and could they check on me. My mom didn’t live very far from me and also had, you know, my phone number. (Apparently, I didn’t call back fast enough though.) So the school did indeed call to check on me. I was embarrassed and pretty livid. Had a sharp conversation with her about boundaries after that. She was a bit defensive, but did not happen again.

    1. jf*

      The same thing happened to my wife (then-girlfriend) her first month in a doctoral program (similar age), except that her parents called the school police. The officer who showed up was quite nice, thankfully.

    2. SameSame*

      This is something my mother would do. In fact, she used to call my last job constantly. I gave her the number for emergencies only but if she called my direct line and I didn’t answer she would call the front desk and ask someone to look for me. One day I was busy running around working on a last minute motion and she called my direct line but I didn’t answer. 10 seconds later the receptionist comes to my desk and says “Your mother is on the phone. She asked me if you were at work today since she called your direct line and you didn’t answer. I know you’re really busy but when I told her you were here she asked to speak to you” How embarrassing! I didn’t want to put the reception in the awkward position of having to tell my mother that it was not a good time to talk so I took the call but I was visibly annoyed! I have never given my mother another office number since. If she needs me she can call my cell.

      1. SameSame*

        I forgot to mention she routinely called asking anyone that answered the phone “Is my daughter there today? I haven’t heard from her and she usually calls me on the way in to work” Why do parents do this? As if they’ve completely forgotten professional norms.

        1. Auntie Social*

          My dad did that. His law practice was probate and estate planning so it was all a pretty leisurely pace. I worked in family law which is like being a firefighter without the hoses—ex parte appearances, several hearings per week, etc. Controlled chaos. My dad would call the receptionist and ask why I hadn’t called him back, he had called my personal line fifteen minutes ago. I was mortified and apologized to the receptionist. She laughed and said she had a Latina helicopter dad of her own, and the only reason we didn’t know HE called every day was that she was the receptionist. In fact, he had just gotten through calling to,tell her to put gas in her car! Mind you, this woman is married and the mom of two, and wildly competent.

          1. Boobookitty*

            She sounds amazing! I’ve found reception is one of the hardest positions to keep staffed because of what receptionists often have to put up with from rude callers.

    3. NoMeetingRequired*

      I was 30 years old and living 7 hours away from my folks. One weekend, I decided to spend Saturday and Sunday with friends in another city about an hour away. When I got home Sunday evening, my parents called, anxious because they couldn’t reach me all weekend, and told me that they had called the local and state police to file a missing persons report. Fortunately, the cops turned them down, saying it hadn’t been long enough. (This was way before cell phones.) I was so angry. I told them to NEVER do that again, and I didn’t speak to them for weeks. (Nothing ever improved, so eventually, I cut ties with them.)

      1. Yorick*

        My family would give me crap about that sort of thing too, although they never called the police.

      2. Live & Learn*

        This is embarrassing. In college I lived with my best friend who had grown up with very strict parents who made her report her whereabouts constantly in the pre-cell phone days. She and I had made plans to have dinner together at 5:30. She didn’t come home. I waited. At 7:00 I was annoyed so I called her sister and a friend to see if they’d seen her, nothing. By 10:00 I was worried, this was so not like her. By midnight I called the small town cops and the local hospital to make sure nothing happened to her. They printed missing person flyers up with the only recent photo of her I could find….with her dressed as a sultry pirate. She showed up at 2:00 am from playing pool in a bar she’d never gone to before with people she’d never hung out with before. The cope lectured her. She was mortified. I was so worried about her though!

      3. Mockingdragon*

        When my brother was an upperclassman in high school, he missed the bus one day and decided, instead of calling mom to pick him up, to just kill an hour in the library and catch the after-activities bus.

        By the time he got home, at most 90 minutes late, my mom had filed a police report.

        Why do I have anxiety? -_-

      4. Thankful for AAM*

        I’m in my 50s and married, ie I dont live alone. A few months ago there is a knock at the door on a Saturday morning. I see through the glass it is a police officer. I answer in my long t-shirt/sleep shirt and say can you give me a minute to dress?

        I let him in and he says he is there to do a wellness check. My mom in another state called him bc when we spoke, I did not sound right. She thought I was under duress.

        1. We had not spoken that day.
        2. Speaking to her makes me sound like I am under duress!

    4. Joielle*

      My mom did this once too! It was in college and I was volunteering at a weeklong environmental summer camp-type-thing for high schoolers. It was in the middle of nowhere and I had no internet or cell reception, which I had told her. Don’t call me, I said! I won’t get the call! If something happens, I will use the camp phone (only for emergencies) and call you!

      Of course, she tried to call me, panicked when I didn’t call back, and ended up calling some national program person whose number she found online. Eventually the message made it to me, with the added embarrassment of MANY people throughout the organization having dealt with my insane mother. I literally did not speak to her for a year after that incident.

    5. Bunny Girl*

      I wouldn’t describe my mom as a helicopter parent in the least but sometimes she did sort of panic when I don’t answer the phone when I lived on my own. I had one summer where I picked up a temp job in addition to my full time one and I worked non-stop with only a day off the whole summer. Understandably I silenced my phone and slept in that day but when I woke up at around noon I had like 12 missed calls. I called her back and reminded her that this was the most sleep I’d had in like 3 months.

    6. Lucy*

      The only time my parents made this kind of call, they hadn’t heard from me for nearly a week, I wasn’t answering my landline or mobile, and the media had named me as having broken my back in a sporting event …

      (I hadn’t)

    7. Absurda*

      A friend in college had a rather challenging relationship with her father. She was going through a phase of being mad at him and refused to answer or return his calls. He called the RA in the dorm. Not sure how the conversation went, but the RA was livid, stomped down the hall to her room and demanded she call her dad right then.

      Later, after we had graduated, we were roommates together. Her parents would routinely call at 7am on Saturdays or Sundays because that was the only time they were guaranteed to talk to her. This was a sure thing because their call would wake me up, and I’d go and pound on her door to wake her up and make her pick up the phone.

    8. Chinookwind*

      Hearing these stories makes me think that my mother kept my father from his helicoptering tendencies.

      His most outrageous (but in an endearing way) was when I got a job in Japan. When I arrived in Tokyo, I called to tell them I was there and but I still had one more flight to go and then figure out how to use pay phones to call internationally (I had been warned they were different outside the airport), so don’t worry if they don’t hear from me for a bit.

      3 days into my job and our office manager tells me that there is a call for me. Strange – I don’t know anyone in the entire country? Turned out that my dad knew that an old coworker/friend had a daughter working 2 hours away and my dad called his friend and had him call his daughter who could then track down my office (and this is all pre-Google) so that she could call me to tell me to call home. Which she did (with the benefit is that she found another English speaker near by that she actually knew).

      I am still impressed by his detective skills because, at that point, I couldn’t have told you the address or phone number of my office and he had tracked me down half way around the world.

    9. Kitryan*

      Junior year or so of undergrad I didn’t call or return their calls the first week of classes (pretty sure I confirmed that I’d arrived though). And cell phones were still only for emergencies at this point.
      So, at the end of the first week of classes I walk into the costume shop (my major was costume design and that was my main hangout) and basically the entire room turns to me and says ‘call your dad!’.
      He’d called the shop and my advisor to make sure I was ok. I was so embarrassed!

      My parents are (still) a bit overprotective but if I point out that they’re stepping over a boundary they really take it to heart, so this sort of thing didn’t/doesn’t happen regularly.

  24. StopTheInsanity*

    A colleague was falling behind on projects and when I asked her what was going on she told me that her freshman in college daughter was having trouble with an online chemistry class the daughter was going to need to get into another class, so colleague was taking her daughter’s class for her. The class was taking up a lot of her time because she hadn’t taken a class let alone chemistry in a really long time.
    She also wrote 3 of her daughter’s papers in one semester, and one day she canceled lunch plans because she had to drive 3 hours to take her daughter to the doctor. When I expressed concern for her daughter colleague said daughter wasn’t sick, she just had never been to the doctor by herself.
    The colleague was laid off during a restructure, and I am certain if she hadn’t fallen so behind over that last year, she would have been kept and one of her teammates would have been let go. She had always been a high-performer and well respected, but I guess having the daughter so far away and college classes being harder than high school class, it was all too much for her to juggle.

    1. Semprini!*

      I’m amazed that she hasn’t taken a class, let alone chemistry, in a really long time, yet still thinks she can do better than her daughter, who is accustomed to taking classes and presumably has taken the prerequisites to the chemistry course no too long ago!

      1. TootsNYC*

        well, probably the MOM was the one who took those prerequisites. And probably the mom has lots of recent experience in taking classes.

      2. Steggy Saurus*

        Also, what were the daughter and the mother going to do when the harder class for which chemistry was a prerequisite started? Imagine it was a pre-med program, or a nursing program? Then you’ve got a potential doctor or nurse whose mom is the one who really knows all the chemistry involved. What a disaster.

        1. StopTheInsanity*

          She was only a freshman, but was saying she wanted to be a doctor. *facepalm* I expressed my concern to the mom. And she had a ton of excuses about it being her first year, she has anxiety, etc.

    2. frostipaws*

      Hope the daughter was not a science major. Could you imagine having a doctor whose parent had completed their assignments for them?!

    3. WellRed*

      Was her name Lori Loughlin? Nothing like committing a little fraud on behalf of you brood.

    4. iglwif*

      Good grief.

      I always wonder two things, when I hear stories about parents doing their kids’ schoolwork: first, what is the goal here? and second, WHEN WILL YOU STOP?

      1. Wing Leader*

        My mom and stepdad did my schoolwork for me all the way up until I went to college. My mom always said that it was because she wanted me to get good grades (with the implication that she didn’t trust me to do that on my own). I remember crying once over a project I wanted to do myself because I liked the subject, but Mom wouldn’t allow it. She had my stepdad do it despite my crying pleas, and I grew up believing I was stupid. Still struggle with that.

        I became an adult, married woman who knew how to do very little–even the most basic things–for myself because I was never taught how nor allowed to. Mom always thought she could do better and knew better. Luckily, my husband is very patient and has taught me a lot (and he can’t stand my mom).

        1. LaDeeDa*

          When I encounter helicopter parents I tell them, they are not making things better for their kids, what they are teaching their kids is that they (the kid) isn’t capable. That is the message the kids get.
          When I was young, in the 90s- pre-cellphone days, I would take off for months on end- backpacking across Europe, the US, and Australia. My mom always said to me “I am so scared, but I raised you to be smart and resourceful. Call if you need me.”
          If you do everything for your kid, it tells me you don’t think YOU as a parent are capable of raising a fully functioning adult.

        2. Shoes on My Cat*

          Wing Leader, you got a wonderful spouse! And you CAN learn it all! Maybe even see if that project you liked has an affiliated hobby? Or college class just for fun? As an adult, you can MAKE your own do-over projects! For me, my dad was very ‘girls do inside work, boys mow/yard work’….and I was never motivated to do inside work or allowed/approved to be a tomboy. As an adult? I can string or fix barbed wire fences, fix & hang livestock gates, use a gas powered weed wacker, DRIVE A TRACTOR and a few other handy outdoor skills. The best part is that now Dad asks me for advice on the best work gloves for his hobby work and gardening! Some can learn..

        3. Kitryan*

          I went through a period in grade school where my mom had very little to do- she stayed home w/the kids and we were now both in school.
          When I got assignments that involved artistic stuff or crafting she would try to do it for me- she was worried the other parents would be doing that and frankly, she was bored and personally unfulfilled at the time. It was really disheartening for me though as those were the most fun parts of the projects! And of course as an adult and an artist she was way better than me.
          She later started picking back up her own artistic interests and sculpting in clay and marble and painting in oils and generally being her *own* amazing self and magically things got better.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            It’s too bad she couldn’t have just used your assignments as inspiration and done them alongside you rather than taking over, but I’m glad she got better.

          2. formerChild*

            It’s fascinating to see the other side of this. When I was a kid, any time there was a take-home project, all the other kids would come in with beautiful projects made by their parents, but my mom was a single mother who was far too busy to help at all, really. I found it extremely disheartening at the time and didn’t realize until I was older that it was their parents doing all of it for them. I just thought I was really bad at those projects.

            I don’t think I was ever given a bad grade for these projects I actually did myself– perhaps the teachers really appreciated that they were always my work, even?

        4. iglwif*

          Oh my goodness, how awful! Seriously, what were they thinking?!

          I’m glad you ended up married to someone who thinks you should get to learn to do things for yourself, because WOW.

    6. Gumby*

      Learning doesn’t work that way! It doesn’t work that way at all!

      Plus that is a huge honor code violation that would get you kicked out of my school entirely much less kept out of a class that you probably aren’t prepared for and will fail because *you didn’t take the prereq*.

    7. starzzy*

      THIS is why, as an instructor of some online classes, I never give letters of recommendation to students I’ve only had online.

  25. CDM*

    Certainly not the most egregious example, but I worked with high school students who lifeguarded and taught swim lessons part time. Father of one employee called my boss to announce that his child would not be working until further notice because their mid-semester GPA had dropped to a 90, which was unacceptable. Child taught swim lessons, which is a 7 week commitment for continuity of instruction. (filling lifeguard shifts was easier).

    My boss talked to the employee, who showed up for all scheduled shifts over the next few weeks like the phone call never happened.

    I’m kind of surprised in retrospect that we didn’t have more helicopter parenting involving the teen employees, and I worked with a couple hundred teens over seven years.

    1. Less Bread More Taxes*

      That’s really sad. Teenagers have enough going on without worrying about their parents being disappointed with them for *their grades dropping to a low A*.

        1. Also Amazing*

          Yeah, my mom used to tell me all the time that “a 94 is an A~”, implying a 93 is a B, and I distinctly remember wondering, as an elementary school student, why I should care what her grades were like when she was my age. This was usually followed by wondering why anyone would not use nice, neat tens for grade ranges. Like, who decided you only get 7 points to get an A? Is the B range 93-83? Is the C range expanded?

          I was a somewhat difficult child.

          1. PepperVL*

            It’s an 8 point scale.
            93-100 – A
            85-92 – B
            77-84 – C
            70-76 – D
            69 & below – F

            Though I’m not certain about where the cutoff between C &. D is. But some schools use that scale.

      2. Malarkey01*

        I don’t know if that’s necessarily sad. For me a 90 would have been a B and the agreement with my parents in high school was that I could work as long as it didn’t interfere with school. I needed to maintain an A average for my scholarships. A free ride to school was worth way more than a $4/hour minimum wage job. So I don’t seem it as an unreasonable rule for a teenager still in high school (although kid should be the one to resign not parent).

        1. Grapey*

          If it’s on a timed commitment though, I’d think it’s more important that the kid finish that out, or not agree if there are such conditions in the first place.

        2. gwal*

          How did you already have a scholarship with specific parameters in high school? Was it a private school?

    2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      I had a problem with some of my teen lifeguards’ parents “grounding” them from work. At the last minute, say 4 pm for a 6 pm shift, “I’m not giving you a ride/you’ve been out at activities too many days this week/you didn’t clean your room so you are grounded from work tonight!”

      Or they’d demand the kid stay home from work to babysit a younger sibling, again at the last minute, so they’d end up bringing the kid to sit on the pool bleachers for 4-5 hours while their sibling worked their shift.

      We tried to work with the kids, it really wasn’t their fault, but eesh parents.

      1. TheRedCoat*

        Yeeep. Worked at the same place as my sister. Sister would take off after her shift and tell my dad she was working when she was actually with guys. Dad called and told them that my sister would no longer be working there.

        Manager fired me too.

    3. Ego Chamber*

      This reminds me of when I worked at a pizza place just after high school and one of my coworkers had controlling, borderline abusive parents.

      The parents had always been a little too involved in her work, despite her protests, and one day, her dad called the manager to say she wasn’t working there anymore, so the manager had to scramble to get someone to cover. 2 hours later, the employee rolls in on time for her shift. Turns out she had moved out of her parents’ house and in with a couple of friends to get away from the parents’ bullshit, but they figured if she didn’t have a job anymore she wouldn’t be able to afford rent and would have to move back home. Great plan!

      1. Blarg*

        Did she get to keep the job?? I hope the manager let her stay. That’s not borderline abuse. That’s abuse.

    4. Anne (with an “e”)*

      This happened to my sister when I was away at college. My sister (maybe 15 years old) got a job at a Putt-Putt. I believe she rented out the putters and balls, sold concessions, etc. When she was first hired it was made *EXTREMELY* clear to my sister and mom that the manager had weekly all staff meetings after closing on Sunday nights. Now, my sister did not drive and relied on my mom for transportation, so she explained this to my mother. My mother said it was fine because my mother was all about her kids having a job. But, my mother was also ridiculous. So, on Sunday nights after closing my mother used to show up in the parking lot at whatever time she thought my sister should be getting off — in her deluded mind — whether it was when the meeting was over, or not. Then she would sit on her horn right outside the business. Of course, everyone in the meeting could hear my mother’s outrageous horn for the majority of the meeting. My mom used to tell sis that the manager didn’t really need to meet @ that time with everyone, that he was holding them late on a Sunday night as a power trip. She tried to get my sister to organize a group push back because the manager was the one who was being so unreasonable. * Yeah, mom, right (sarcasm)* A coworker of my sister offered to give my sis a ride home on Sundays. Sis thought, “Finally, a solution to this embarrassing mess.” The young man even introduced himself to my mom and offered. Mom, not surprisingly, said, “No way!” She told my sister that the coworker was “from the wrong side of town, attended the wrong high school, and couldn’t be trusted.” Plus, my mom was a control freak, manipulator who was on a deluded mission to make the manger cancel his weekly all staff meetings. The manager ended up telling my sister that if my mother had a problem with the weekly meeting he would have to let her go. So, my sister lost her job. It’s so bizarre because my mother always wanted all of us to work “no matter what.”

  26. zolk*

    My coworker, a woman in her 40s, is a helicopter parent. Last year she complained about not being able to go somewhere during the summer because she couldn’t leave her daughters alone. That seemed totally reasonable until she decided that for the entire summer her youngest daughter needed to be at the spare desk in her office every day 9-5 for the same reason.

    She was at least 19 years old.

    1. Observer*

      And her daughter actually showed up?

      Helicopter, for sure. But it also rings bells for abuse. Because WHY would a healthy 19 yo agree to this?

      1. zolk*

        Friend, her daughter was there, five days a week. This was approximately a year ago and I believe the daughter is getting married this year so. I might have even _under_ aged her.

        1. zolk*

          Unsurprisingly, two of her three(?) daughters have worked here. One was great. One was awful.

    2. Alli525*

      My mom’s third ex-husband lived with his parents until he was in his 50s, then moved a couple houses down the street and still spent every day with them. When I asked him why, he said “I don’t want my mother to be alone.” She did not have ANY medical ailments, and her husband (his dad) had normal work hours – he just never wanted to leave her side.

      I was not surprised when that marriage ended.

  27. Deeshyone*

    Oof…this person is a distant relative.
    Years ago, Daughter (18) was working at a licensed food establishment in her first full time job and Mother was in attendance 60% of the shifts Daughter worked. Called out patrons who she felt may have been rude, overly friendly, not-friendly enough, etc. to Daughter. Mother “advised” the owner multiple times on how to run their business and especially on how Daughter needed special or alternative rules because of life reasons (single parent and absentee father were main veins). Eventually Daughter (or Mother, not sure at this point) received a promotion to manager and then things really got weird.
    Mother complained to Owner about Daughter’s increased responsibilities and the additional pressure of being a manager. Vocalized to anybody who was in earshot on how Owner was taking advantage of Daughter’s inexperience and just letting Daughter run the business for the Owner while Owner just took extra long breaks, vacations, skipped responsibilities (not true). Mother also insisted she brought business in and she deserved special treatment from Owner as well.
    Owner responded by taking responsibilities back from Daughter and lessening her role and her shifts worked (Daughter was also booking off premium weekend time for herself, delegating her exclusive managerial tasks to other servers and ignoring general maintenance tasks that was to be done by all staff – Owner included). Mother took offense and argued with Owner.
    Owner restricts more responsibilities and eventually Daughter decided to move on and put in her notice to Owner. Owner advised staff that Daughter was leaving, which is an utterly normal thing to do, and Mother went right off the deep end. Confronted Owner about gossiping about Daughter, revealed a level of paranoia that I didn’t know existed until I got dragged in for reasons that are still mysterious to me. Mother also went and confronted all who she felt gossiped about Daughter, calling down the establishment, the Owner, Owner’s family and their pets, vendors…the list went on and on (and still one – Mother still complains six years after the fact!).
    Owner’s responsibility in this was not shutting down Mother and Daughter early (a mistake they will never make again).
    Mother is a lunatic and has trained Daughter well. Mother asked if I could get Daughter a job where I worked ~ ooo, no thank you.
    I avoid all reunions.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      If it weren’t for the fact it was several years ago, I would swear I taught this kid in grade 8 and dealt with that mother.

  28. starsaphire*

    Unfortunately, I have to say… mine.

    A little background: I grew up in a fairly small town. My parents were pretty hands-off about most things, but my mom developed a bad case of overprotectiveness as I reached adulthood (I was the youngest). My folks were also really civic-minded, and were involved in a lot of local charities and service organizations. Plus my mom was retired, which gave her a lot of time and energy for volunteer work.

    Jobs were scarce as it was, but it was so frustrating sitting down in job interviews and being asked, “So how are your mom and dad?”

    So the first time I didn’t have to deal with that in a job interview, I took the job. I was 19 and it was my first sit-down job — part time, minimum wage, answering phones at a nonprofit that my parents weren’t in any way involved with.

    Within three months, of course, my mom was sitting on the Board of Directors. In a year, she was the Board president. And sometimes, when the Executive Director was on leave, Mom would come into the office to sign checks.

    It wasn’t so bad except for the time that I got in trouble for not doing dishes or something like that, and the next day my mom came into the office to sign paychecks — and she refused to sign mine.

    Fortunately, the bookkeeper (my boss) laid down the law big time, and my check got signed. But it was so, so, so embarrassing.

    In totally unrelated news, a few months after that happened, I moved several hundred miles away…

    1. Elspeth*

      Whoa. That is not your fault though, embarrassing as it is – that’s all on your mother. Glad you managed to leave all that meddling in your life behind (I hope).

    2. Nep*

      Wow.

      I was thinking you were very smart to take the first job that didn’t ask you that question, but then your parents. Congrats on your move away!

      1. starsaphire*

        Oh, I think she knew. :) She eventually got over it, thankfully.

        And it was a long, long time ago.

    4. Beth*

      Go you!

      Moving a long ways away is incredibly liberating, isn’t it? I chose a college 1200 miles away from home — not because I needed to get away from my parents, but because I really, really wanted to get a LONG ways away from my small, insular, toxic home town.

      1. starsaphire*

        Yes – it was definitely freeing! :)

        Things worked out with my folks, thankfully, after time passed. But I have never, and will never, move back to that place.

    5. WS*

      We had a young staff member (she would have been 18 or 19) in her first job. She didn’t have her own car, so her mother would pick her up after work. No big deal, but her mother kept showing up earlier and earlier and coming into the shop to watch what her daughter was doing. By the time she was sitting there for an hour, the boss had a quiet word with her and she dropped back to no more than about 20 minutes hanging around.

      But then it was the Christmas party. Staff are allowed to bring a partner or spouse, and the young staff member indicated that she was bringing someone. We all thought, great, she’s dating somebody, how nice, but no, it was her mother. Who then sat on the table with the younger staff members and corrected their table manners. The poor daughter was mortified and the next year she moved to another town.

  29. Kathleen_A*

    I once hired a guy I’ll call Howard Wolowitz to work as a reporter at a newspaper in Middle-of-Nowhere, California, and after he got the job, his parents actually moved to Middle-of-Nowhere to be near him. I say “parents,” but I’m 99.9% sure that the main instigator in this move was Mrs. Wolowitz.

    Mrs. Wolowitz used to come into the office all the time, fussing and smothering and interfering and prying and fretting. I won’t say she checked to make sure Howard was having regular bowel movements, but I wouldn’t be terribly surprised, and I’m 100 percent sure that even though he had his own apartment (you had to have known Mrs. Wolowitz to realize what an achievement this was for poor Howard), he had to eat his vegetables before he was allowed to have dessert.

    She tried to mother all the rest of us, too, including crocheting afghans for each and every staff member – and while this wasn’t a big staff (seeing as the paper was in Middle-of-Nowhere), that was still, like, 8 afghans. She also bought me personally a rolling pin because “You’ve got to have a rolling pin!” (I actually still have the rolling pin – and use it, too.)

    Howard was a good guy – and a good reporter – but his mother was…well, “smothering” is the best adjective I can think of at the moment. I hope he eventually managed to make a life for himself. Anyway, it’s really clear why he didn’t bring any of this up until after he got the job.

    1. mrs whosit*

      I almost added this to the dorm thread above, but it seems better here.
      My brother-in-law had a college roommate who never flushed the toilet, no matter what. He couldn’t figure out why until the roommate’s mother came to visit and… went into the bathroom after he was finished, to flush for him. Yikes. Talk about smothering.

      1. Kathleen_A*

        Aaaauuugh! Thank God I don’t know this roommate nor what he looks like, because if I did, the image of this guy standing around while his mother goes in and flushes for him is one I’d never be able to unsee.

  30. Shelly*

    To set the stage, our phone systems are set up to send an email with the caller ID information. And of course, some people have their work email on their cell phone.

    On Labor Day, an employee used their day off to go the movies. Employee’s mom called/texted her daughter’s cell phone, but it was during the movie, so the daughter didn’t respond. Mom beings to panic, and she forgets that daughter has day off for holiday, so mom calls her daughter’s office line, which she has never used before. Except it’s a shared office line so the email with the caller ID information goes to her daughter’s supervisor.

    Now the supervisor has this personal fear (nightmare?) that she is confused about the extra day off and that she should really be at the office. So when she sees the email with the caller ID information, she assumes that it is her employee, the daughter, because of the distinctive last name. Her nightmare has come true and she’s supposed to be at work! So she calls back the number that’s listed, only to find herself in a conversation with a panicked mother about whether her daughter is okay or not. During their conversation, mom and supervisor are at least able to agree that is really is a holiday, so the supervisor calms down. And right around then is when the daughter finished her movie so she calls her mom back to find out that her mom is now loosely acquainted with her supervisor.

    1. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

      I hope mom and supervisor did not have any contact after that! If not, that doesn’t seem too terrible, just a funny story.

      One time my mom became worried because she opened Find my Friends to see if my dad’s flight had landed, and when it refreshed it showed my location at a hospital in the middle of a workday. She frantically texted me (luckily not my office!!) asking why I was at a hospital, and I had to remind her that they were one of my clients. We laughed about it for awhile but I’m so relieved that didn’t go any worse than it did.

  31. Hiring Mgr*

    FWIW I’ve never seen a case of helicopter parenting at work… I kind of assume this is like one of those things about younger people that barely ever happen but are blown way out of proportion

    1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      What sucks is that younger people get the blowback for what is often not under their control. “Oh, look at these kids, so reliant!” when really it should be “look at these absolutely bonkers parents.”

      1. LaDeeDa*

        When I have leaders complaining about the younger people, I point blank say “you raised them. Then I ask them to tell me about how hands they are on with their kids….” They get a little uncomfortable with it. :)

      2. Jessen*

        It’s a lot harder to launch at 18 now than it was for the prior generation, too. Student loan rules are biased towards parental support, and there’s an ever decreasing number of jobs capable of supporting someone that don’t require either a degree or experience. Which means the newly adult crowd may not have as easy a time just moving out as the prior generation did, if they want to get away.

        1. MusicWithRocksInIt*

          Not to mention how much more expensive collage is. When my dad went to collage you could pay for it yourself it you worked full time, which was common. Now it’s student loans or your parents paying for it. Parents paying for collage gives them a lot more power and control over their kids than if their kids didn’t need such a massive amount of money from them.

          1. Boobookitty*

            For some reason, every time I read the word “collage” in your comment I heard it in my mind with a French accent. In my country, we use the spelling “college” for the word that refers to post-secondary education.

            1. Dolorous Bread*

              It’s not just your country. College and collage are different words here too…

      4. iglwif*

        Yeah, that pisses me off a lot. Like, kids only know what “normal” looks like from what they see in their own families and their wider environment; if they have helicopter parents and so do their friends and classmates, it is NOT THEIR FAULT if they come to see that as just how things are!

        By all means, coach kids and scaffold them towards independence if you’re in a position to do so, but don’t mock them for having bonkers parents, cos those parents were probably bonkers before the kids were even born.

        As a Gen-X-er, I’m endlessly entertained (also enraged) by Boomers complaining about how Millennials don’t know this and can’t do that. Who are the parents of Millennials? Boomers are. Y’all raised them and now you don’t like how they turned out? Sorry, that’s on you. (Also, endlessly annoyed that Boomers seem unable to remember how OLD millennials are. My 16yo is not a millennial! You know who is? Her 35yo Law teacher.)

        1. StopTheInsanity*

          100% Agree. In meetings/sessions/trainings with Boomers, I have a handy chart with the ages of each generation so they can stop complaining about the kids.

          It is also the reason I fought tooth and nail to get an extensive Interns and New Grad programs up and running at my company. I needed to make sure I was setting them up for success, and some times that meant un-teaching some of things their parents taught them.

        2. datamuse*

          OMG so much this. (Gen-Xer academic here.) Most of the students I work with are pretty self-reliant but I hear a LOT of “kids these days” kinds of comments from people who are a) the right age to be the parents of the people they’re complaining about and b) increasingly unclear about what exactly constitutes a kid.

          1. iglwif*

            YES, I have had that experience too.

            If you’ve just been telling me that your late-teenage kids aren’t allowed to ride the subway on their own at night or that you edit all their essays for school, your next words had better not be a “kids these days” about my junior staff.

      5. ThisColumnMakesMeGratefulForMyBoss*

        There comes a point in your life when you need to stand on your own two feet and tell your helicopter parent to back off and let you live your life. There are some extreme cases and exceptions, but for the most part the younger people are not completely blameless.

        1. LaDeeDa*

          But if they don’t know any different, they don’t know it isn’t normal. It is just like any kind of dysfunction in a family- it is your norm until you get out and learn that it isn’t the norm and can be detrimental. I think as leaders we have a responsibility to change and adapt to the different needs of different generations. The Boomer motto of “Because I said so.” no longer works and isn’t meeting the needs of Millenials and Gen Zs. So who adapts? The entire generation of future leaders, or the leaders who are on their way out?

        2. PersephoneUnderground*

          Yeah, but it’s insidious- if you’re raised by this kind of parent, you think it’s normal. It takes a lot of outside exposure to learn otherwise, and even then you might not realize things that are obvious to others that you didn’t catch.

        3. writelhd*

          I think it’s also part of the toxic nature of the relationship that helicopter parents don’t take well to being stood up to ,and will likely dig in deeper and refuse to get it when challenged…witness some of the people in this thread who shared helicopter parent stories of their own parents. Sometimes it takes a LOT of standing up to them, and then blocking them off your social media and moving, to actually get away from it. I would bet lot of the people who have experienced this will probably eventually do those things. But, standing up to your own family is neither easy, nor, with the particular cluelessnes that allows helicopter parents to be as they are, a finite event, plus they have a high change of engaging in massive guit trips, angry gaslighting, or other emotional manipulation when their kids try.

          Honestly we think helicopter parenting is amusing, but reading this thread actually just made me really sad. It’s one of the many ways a family can emotionally abuse you.

        4. iglwif*

          That’s true … but the first step in getting to that point in your life is to discover that your entire prior life experience has been dysfunctional. When your parents manage and control your life to the extent we’re talking about here, that discovery isn’t so easy to make!

      6. Doctor Schmoctor*

        I saw a Youtube video where some dude complained about the kids of today who don’t know how to do anything. And he used his own kids as examples. I just thought “Dude, who raised your children?”

        And then he gave specific examples of things that these darn kids don’t know. Uhh.. things like identifying trees, or building a shelter in the woods. Because that’s something everybody needs to know.

        1. iglwif*

          Geez.

          You want your kids to know those things, maybe you should, idk, teach them?

    2. Bagpuss*

      I don’t think it’s necessarily new (if that’s what you meant by being about young people)
      The first instance I came across was when I was newly qualified, which is over 20 years ago mow!

      Over that period of time, I can think of 3 cases of helicopter parenting where I was the emplyer/potential employer, plus acouple more where I worked with the helicopter parent and saw them in action, and 2 where there was a simair attitude but it was a spouse rather than a parent getting inappropriately involved.

      So yes, probably a fiarly small proportion of the workforce as a whole, but still quite a lot of individual instances!

    4. 4583SA*

      it’s very common in higher ed. we see a lot of students nowadays that have difficulty making decisions and have to consult often with their parents.

      1. LaDeeDa*

        That type of parent never allowed their kids to make a decision. They scheduled every single minute of their life from the second they were born, and made the “right” decisions for them. They never got the opportunity to make a decision.

  32. La Framboise*

    Not work per se, but. About 20 years ago, when I was a newbie public librarian, I had an adult married couple come in and tell me that their son was having trouble finding research for his paper. Thought the student might be in high school, but no! He was in graduate school. Yeah, good luck on your dissertation, guy. Especially since many public libraries are not set up for graduate- level research.

    1. Armchair Expert*

      I wonder if this is a scenario where the adult graduate son responded to his parents’ queries about how the thesis is going with a well meaning “It’s really challenging! I’m citing Important Research, but I’m having trouble finding the original study that Important Research references, and I’m a bit stuck, I’m sure I’ll get there though” sort of reply, and these very helpful parents then deciding, off their own bat, to help him out.

  33. Mimi Me*

    I used to work as an assistant manager for a retail store. One day this girl in her early 20’s came in with her father and filled out an application. He stood by and basically told her how to fill it out, what to write, even gave her her phone #. (This was in the early 90’s when people still had their home phone numbers memorized so definitely strange.) My manager decided to interview her. Her dad came to the interview with her. He stood outside the store, watching the office door and waiting for her. My manager then decided to hire her (!?!?). She lasted two weeks. Her father was a mail carrier so couldn’t come to work with her, but he would meet her outside the store after her shift and walk home with her. She ended up quitting when another part timer commented on the fact that she was unusually close to her parents and that she seemed to really need their input and supervision on a lot of things. (FYI: because she quit on the spot, citing this conversation, we did investigate and multiple witnesses said that the conversation began because the girl brought up her parents as she usually did and the part timer just made an observation with no accusatory or mocking tone. Just along the lines of “Hmmm, that’s weird”.) We never saw her again. I wonder about her from time to time.

    1. Sophie Hatter*

      This is actually really worrisome. They sound super controlling. I hope that girl is okay.

  34. What's with Today, today?*

    I posted this in an open thread once. My husband is a defense attorney and obviously knows all the scuttlebutt in the DA’s office, and is friends with all of them (small county, everyone is friends despite being on opposite sides).

    Last year, the DA was going through a rough primary. He had a fantastic long-time felony prosecutor who is no-nonsense, aggressive, and to the point, she’s a killer attorney. Just, a good one, but she can be abrasive. She wants things done right and had the authority to make it happen. The DA had hired a fresh out of school prosecutor about a year earlier and this New Prosecutor was the complete opposite of experienced attorney. They did not get along, and in the process of mentoring the New prosecutor, Experienced prosecutor’s no-nonsense style made the new prosecutor cry. The DA told them not to speak to each other any longer. Um, okay. Well, THAT directive became such a joke within the courthouse that New Prosecutor’s Dad, a Provost at the local university, called the DA in for a meeting at the University campus! After the meeting, the DA reprimanded the experienced attorney. She quit on the spot. DA looked like an idiot for running off on of his best. He then lost the election, and the newly elected DA fired New Prosecutor essentially because he wasn’t gonna deal with her Daddy.

    1. What's with Today, today?*

      I should clarify: When DA reprimanded the Experienced Prosecutor, he made the comment that he needed votes from the university faculty to win his re-election, and couldn’t piss off New Prosecutor’s dad.

      1. CatCat*

        Woowwwwee!! The ending to this is pretty glorious though: booted out of office!

        I want to know what happened the the experienced attorney. Good for her for quitting on the spot over that BS!

        1. What's with Today, today?*

          She is a still a fabulous prosecutor but in a larger county. She handles mostly felony sex crimes. Added glory, after the New Prosecutor was fired, she actually applied to that county not knowing it’s where Experienced Attorney ended up. Needless to say, she didn’t land an interview.

      1. What’s with Today, today?*

        She 100% knew her dad did! She was in the meeting! I should have included that.

        1. Tigger*

          Ok that changes things! It first I thought she had just mentioned the joke to her parents in passing and her dad went rouge!

    5. Granger Chase*

      This story is almost as glorious as Rex Manning Day ;p
      In all seriousness, I am glad the Experienced Prosecutor has moved onto a job where I am sure she is better appreciated!

    6. Anne (with an “e”)*

      I adore every single thing about this story. Ah, the karma is exquisite.

  35. Joi Weaver*

    Mwahahahaha, my time has come! My former boss was a helicopter EVERYTHING. She had to call her husband to see when he wanted a doctor’s appointment to be, call the doctor to set up the appointment for him, call him again to find out what the doctor said, ALL WHILE SHE WAS AT WORK.

    Her husband was an actor, but almost always unemployed because he refused to take any roles that “went against his faith.” He refused to ever play the bad guy. You do you, man, but don’t expect Hollywood to come calling. So this one day, we’re at working, rushing to finish up an ad. We’re waiting on her final approval. What is she doing? Making a personal call! But not just ANY personal call. No, somehow, she is on the phone with the mother of a well-known Christian actor (of a similar mindset to her husband), telling her about how her husband is “a mighty man of God” and maybe this woman’s son could meet him and use his influence to get him some acting jobs. Oh, and my boss never bothered to go outside to make a personal call, so we ALL heard this. For 30 minutes. While we’re all waiting on her to do her job.

    But she wasn’t only. Helicopter for her family. Oh no. She had hired multiple interns, refused to train them properly, and had them hanging around the office. She wouldn’t let anybody else train them or have them help with tasks. One time, my coworker asked one of them if she wanted to babysit for her outside of work, and my boss flew into a tantrum! “These are MY INTERNS! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO THEM.” One of the interns was this 20 year old kid who was still living with his own parents. One day, he came in with a haircut that my boss didn’t like, so she sat him down and recut his hair herself. In the office. On the clock.

    I loved so much about my time at that company but I don’t miss her at ALL.

      2. Environmental Compliance*

        “Hi AAM, so I’m an intern, and my boss one day decided that she didn’t like my haircut. She sat me down and made me let her cut my hair how she likes it. When I quit, do I have to put this internship on my resume?”

    4. ShwaMan*

      Oh man boss-turned-intern-hairstylist might be my very favourite AAM character of all time.

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        And did the husband ever get to meet with Kirk Cameron? Because that’s the only actor I can think of in this scenario…

    6. Luna*

      Haven’t seen this crazy myself, but my mom told me she had a majorly controlling coworker. Said coworker actually called the hairdresser her boyfriend was gonna go to, to ensure that they wouldn’t cut his hair TOO short.

  36. Wing Leader*

    It happened to me and started when I was very young. My mom and stepfather did my homework and school projects for me. That continued all throughout my school years. When I started working, they of course did not change their ways. When I started my first job (in a restaurant) my mom had flowers sent to me there to “let everyone know how proud she was of her baby.” That’s probably not the worst thing ever, but it was embarrassing and I got some strange looks from coworkers. On another occasion, my boss called me on my day off to ask me if I could possibly come into work., but stepfather answered and had a conversation about it with my boss without me ever knowing.

    The worst thing was I later started working in a hospital (just a support type role, not a nurse or anything). My mom was having a mild but regular medical treatment done at the time and at the same hospital. So, she would come in for her treatment for about an hour or so. Then, she would decide “since she was already here” that she could just come spend the day with me. So she’d get herself something to eat and sit off to the side of where I was working all day. And she would occasionally check in with me and ask how I was doing or if I needed anything.

    Ugh, I could go on a book-long rant about my mom.

    1. Beth*

      I am so, so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I hope you’ve moved several hundred miles away and reclaimed your life, because this sounds like an endless nightmare.

      1. Wing Leader*

        Yeah, it sucked a lot. I still live in the same state, but a different city and I don’t see or talk to my mom very often. She doesn’t understand why. Whenever I’ve tried to explain, she’s insisted that she was a fantastic mother and “that’s what mothers do.”

  37. Eeyore's missing tail*

    Another university employee. I work at my institution’s graduate school, which means that most of our students are at least early 20s. I work with one of our tuition waivers and every year, I get at least one parent calling to discuss it and why their child deserves the waiver. One of the parents that has always stood out to me was the one that told me that he was private contractor working of one of the schools in our institution. He was working with that school’s recruiting, and since he was helping them out so much, surely I could help him out and just give his daughter the waiver. He was lucky I didn’t get his name before he quickly hung up after I asked if he was trying to use his position to influence me.

    And his daughter did end up getting the waiver on her own merit. Dad just didn’t like the timeline and how daughter was having to wait, I guess.

  38. FKESPE*

    Oh man, so many, but a personal example happened with an old friend, who, at the time was 29 years old, got fired from a job (it was a medical office and she was messing up the medical procedure), and her parents went down during office hours and yelled at owners for firing their poor, sweet daughter.

    She was very proud of this when she told me the story…

    1. Cinderella*

      Helicopter Parenting Gone Bad: Several years ago my stepmother out-and-out lied to my roommate about a medical emergency I’d had the year before she and I met my roommate. According to Stepmother, I was “never the same” and was brain damaged after I’d been put on life support for three months. Not true. I was hospitalized for a week. Yes, I was seriously ill. I would have died if I hadn’t gone to the ER and into the hospital. However, I was never in a coma. I am not brain damaged. Stepmother claimed she never left my bedside — but she was actually thousands of miles away at her winter home and never came back to our home state during my illness. Needless to say, I have not spoken to Stepmother in some time.

  39. DANGER: Gumption Ahead*

    I had a parent try to come to an employee’s performance review. The employee asked my permission, I said no, of course, and explained why that was not possible and a really weird question. Then the parent called and demanded to be allowed to attend so they could ensure I was being fair to their child. It was truly bizarre.

      1. DANGER: Gumption Ahead*

        That is a mystery I have always wanted to solve but never have. This was a person with a Master’s degree, in their late 20s/early 30s, and it was their 2nd job out of grad school. When I mentioned the call by the parent to the employee, the response was, “Well, can they come or not?” O_o This was an employee I inherited and I learned over time that the parental involvement was a feature, not a bug, and the employee encouraged it. I ended up firing them because they told their parent come information about a case and leaked PII.

  40. Ellllle*

    I saw a few funny things working as an admin for a nursing college at a small university. My favorite was when I spent about 15 minutes on the phone with a prospective student answers questions like “What classes would I take the first year” “What is the dorm situation like” “What kind of career support would you provide me”. As we were going back and forth I noticed she was hesitant when answering questions about herself. Finally the girl caved and said “Actually I’m [Girl]’s Mom! I just wanted to know a little bit more about the school before she could apply!”

    I would have been able to provide that information to literally anyone, why would she pretend to be her daughter?What would have been really bad is if she had pretended to be her daughter if her daughter was actually enrolled. Hello FERPA?!

    1. Keyboard Cowboy*

      When I worked at a university helpdesk this happened! One day I took a call from a woman who asked if I could look up something for her son, and I said no, and mentioned that I would be breaking federal law if I gave her that information. The next day, I took a call from a woman whose voice I recognized, who gave me a male name as her own…. in fact, the same name as the guy whose mom I rejected yesterday.

      But per management we were not to try to make gender assumptions, and if someone could answer the identity validation questions, we were to assume it was that person on the line. Sigh.

      1. Tasha*

        Ok I was this mom once. My daughter had funds in a bank account as a result of a car accident, that were restricted to her until she reached the majority age. When she was 19 she absolutely needed the money for college, and the bank was totally giving her the run around about how to get her money. I called them posing as her and TOLD them what they would be doing (she was in another state with none of their branches, and could not present herself in person). They were suspicious that I was actually 19 but like you said, I could answer the security questions and they did release the money. No regrets, I’d do it again.

  41. smoke tree*

    When I was a teenager, I worked in a crappy motel, cleaning rooms. My coworkers were all great, except for one girl about my age who did a terrible job, didn’t help anyone else with their rooms (major faux pas) and generally sulked her way through the whole week of her tenure there. On her last day, her mother came to pick her up and told us all off for the horrors her daughter had been subjected to. Apparently she had been made to take the job as punishment, but it was too terrible to contemplate having such a degrading job for more than a week. As was expressed to those of us who still worked there.

  42. Rebecca*

    I was a retail manager at a grocery store and an employee, who was a local college student but allowed to only work during breaks, didn’t show up for his scheduled shifts over Thanksgiving. I called him and left a message. I received a call back from his DAD, who explained that his son was a “really good kid” and “had classes” – over Thanksgiving break?! and that I should really cut him some slack. I let him know that his son needed to contact me regarding his continued employment – we required seasonal employees to sign a ‘contract’ of sorts, understanding that they would come home for breaks.

  43. Bagpuss*

    I got a letter from a woman who was writing to apply for a job for her son. As in, she specifcally set out in the letter that her son is looking for work, gave all his qualifications etc and that he wanted to work for us.

    I have no idea whether the son knew.
    This was asking for postions as a junior lawyer. We didn’t have any openings, but if we had, the basic requirements would have been degree + postgrad vocational qualification, so we are talking someone who would need to be at least 22 and to have a minumum of 4 years of degree level study. Plus, it is very competative, so most people applying would also have relevant experience via intenrships / work shadowing, university law clinics etc.

    She had also done her research very badly. According to her, her son was particualrly interested in 2 secific areas of law, one of which we don’t cover , and she sent her letter to me, desite the fact that we have clear details on our website of the name and address to send any applications including if you are asking us to kep you in mind if a position becomes available.

    The thing which found particualrly odd was that this woman was a GP (Doctor) so you would expect her to have some understanding of professional norms and issues around confidentiality.

    1. jf*

      “…would expect her to have some understanding…”

      I’ve seen this a lot and I’ve started to wonder if people who are so used to following such norms for so long develop a resentment that allows them to find excuses for why such norms needn’t matter for them in what they imagine are their own special circumstances.

    2. Oska*

      My Mum “offered” to do this for me when I lived and worked abroad and was looking for a job to move back for. I told her that any place she went to to ask for a job for me, was one less place I’d be willing to work at, and one less chance for me to move back. (Even if someone was willing to interview and hire me on that basis, I’d be “the one with the weird Mum” forever!)

      She asked me why, apparently completely confused about my response. I asked her if she’d hire someone whose Mum came and asked about a job for them. (She was involved in hiring processes at her own job sometimes.) She insisted it was different, but couldn’t explain why. I had to threaten to stay abroad permanently to get her to promise not to do it.

  44. Not Miss Frizzle*

    I am a very seasoned teacher who gets a lot of student teachers. The worst of the worst had helicopter parents who at one point called me to discuss the evaluation I had given her which wasn’t stellar, but typical of a new teacher. It wasn’t that she was awful, it was that she needed some guidance to grow and to learn classroom management. It takes time, and she had promise, but since I didn’t write that she was the best thing since sliced bread on her evaluation, her father was angry. Now, in my 25 years, I have only had one student teacher that I gave a 100 to on their practicum, and that young lady was truly amazing and has won teacher of the year at least three times since.

    When I told the father that I could not discuss his adult child’s progress, he showed up at the school, managed to gain access through a side door some kid left propped open, came into my class, and confronted me in front of students. He slapped my hand when I went to press the emergency button, too.

    Fortunately, one kid ran out of the room and got security. We had to have the school police officer arrest him because he was refusing to leave and I wanted to press battery charges for him slapping my hand. Then, he began a harassing campaign on social media telling people to “call that principal and get that teacher fired.”

    Fortunately my reputation is one that is unmarred, but this idiot and his probably would make a decent teacher with some guidance daughter kept me from taking a student teacher for three years.

    1. fposte*

      Whoa. I’m glad the school police came. I’m a little worried about what would happen if his daughter had trouble with a student.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Holy crap! I’m glad that kid went and got help.

      Was the student teacher done with her time with you at that point or did you have to keep working with her after that?

      1. Not Miss Frizzle*

        I allowed her to finish, but it was tense for those two weeks. I don’t know if she ever actually became a teacher.

    4. Aunt Piddy*

      Holy moly that is TERRIFYING. Thank goodness the student was quick witted enough to go get help.

  45. goducks*

    I was once filling a receptionist position. I had two candidates in the same round show up for interviews with their moms in tow. It was a very small office, and the interview was performed at the conference table at one end of an open area. In both instances the moms followed their daughters to the interview table (uninvited) and sat down instead of staying in the chairs near the entry door (the sort of lobby area). I had to redirect both of the mothers to the front, which was still an awkward place for them to wait, but was far better than sitting at the table!

  46. Anon for Now*

    When I was in my 20’s, my mother would always stop by my work place for a “tour” and to introduce herself to my boss (the introduction generally turned into her grilling them).

    It was humiliating. However, I also worked in places open to the public (think hospitals, etc.), and so I couldn’t get her barred from the building. Part of the reason I have the career that I do now is because I specifically started seeking jobs in buildings that weren’t open to the public. She hasn’t stepped foot in a building I work in over a decade, and she hasn’t met one person I work with. Looking back now I can’t wrap my head around why the hell I even told her where I worked.

    1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      We had an employee at my last work who would go through periods of no contact with her parents. During these periods, they would circle the block we worked on looking for her car at random hours of the day and night, and if they saw it, they’d come in and start screaming at her while she worked.

      They almost got permanently banned from the premises (she didn’t allow it, fearing she’d be punished if they got arrested.)

  47. DivineMissL*

    Last year, my teenage son got a summer job with my employer. While I was the one who told him about the job, and the hiring manager and HR folks knew him since he was in kindergarten, he did get the job on his own merits and I pointedly stayed out of it completely. During the summer, he would tell me random stuff happening during his work days. I really struggled with feeling like I had a responsibility to tell my employer about some of it (nothing dangerous or illegal, just stuff going on that the employer would want to know about), versus me staying out of my son’s business (if I didn’t work there, I wouldn’t call to tell them what my kid was telling me). Instead, I tried to suggest to my son that he might want to mention it to his boss, or gently suggested ways he could handle things differently, etc. He did a good job and got hired again this summer, and I’m still staying out of it!

  48. Essess*

    I had a helicopter wife as a neighbor. Her husband had a decent-paying job government job but she would decide she saw a job that SHE liked better for him and she would write up a resume and fill out the online applications and he would get calls for interviews for jobs that he had no idea that she had applied for him. He was perfectly happy working where he was.

    1. Wing Leader*

      Okay, I’ll admit that I’m kinda like this lol. I’ve applied for jobs for my husband before (he hates his though and it looking for a new one). And I’ve done other things like, when he said he wanted to lose some weight and get in better shape, I researched and put together a nutrition and exercise plan for him, which I presented to him. When he was looking into learning how to code and working with computers, I researched exactly how he could learn what he needed to know and put together a notebook full of materials and resources that he could use and follow. Things like that.

      I’m not trying to be controlling, it’s just the way my brain works. I’m very analytical, and my brain thinks “Okay, here’s a problem. What’s the first step to solving it? What’s the next step after that? What’s the full on game plan? What’s the backup plan?” And so forth.

      A few months ago, though, my husband finally blew up on me (not in that he was raging mad, just that he got frustrated which is “blowing up” for him) and said he didn’t like it when I made all these plans and decisions without including him. So, I don’t do those things anymore and let him manage his own stuff, or if I do come across a solution or an idea that I think will help him, I talk to him about it first.

      1. Armchair Expert*

        I mean this super kindly, but do you think this is you role modelling what your own parents did?

  49. Antilles*

    I’m in a construction-adjacent industry and we interact with construction workers all the time. We often have co-ops or interns visit job sites to deliver documents, pick up samples, fill out paperwork, chat with construction workers, and similar stuff.
    The standard for language on construction sites is often very colorful. I’m sure that surprises exactly nobody…except the parent of a co-op we had once, who called me at 8:00 AM sharp on her son’s third day at work. She couldn’t believe that I “exposed her son to such vile language” the previous day at the job site and demanded that I fix the situation. I tried to soothe her by saying that I understood her concern, but that poor language is unfortunately common in our industry but I would look into it. She responded with a five-minute rant which basically consisted of her insisting that I wasn’t doing my job by allowing him to ever hear “such filth”, that her son was too young to hear that word, and that the company, my manager and *especially* me were failing to take proper care of her son by letting it go on. When she finished, I asked her what exactly her son had heard that was so offensive.
    The kicker? It wasn’t someone spewing f-bombs or cursing at him or anything else I was imagining. Instead, she was offended that one of the construction guys referred to the biggest piece of equipment on site as a “Big Dick Excavator”.
    I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. She of course was even more angry and demanded I bring in my manager. I grabbed him and put the call on speaker. She got exactly three sentences into her explanation before he interrupted her with a completely cold “yeah, that’s mother-effing construction for ya, doesn’t it effing suck?” and hung up on her.
    The intern left that day and never returned, presumably at the request of his mother.

    1. Landshark*

      I’m gonna start calling large excavators I see now “Big Dick Excavators.” Thank you for the laugh!

    2. Over 60 & Forever Young*

      I love this! I worked as an Admin in construction job site field office trailers for about 20 years, it was the best! We had similar nicknames for heavy equipment lol – but I really appreciate “Big Dick Excavator” – a lot!

  50. Mimi Me*

    Oh and this one is from my sister…and still cracks me up. My sister used to work at a college. The college has a lot of Jewish students. My sister worked in fundraising and got a letter from an angry mother who wanted a refund of the money she’d spent on her daughters education because the daughter (Jewish) met a man (non-Jewish) at school and was now engaged to be married. She wrote how she only sent her daughter to this school to meet a nice Jewish man and how the school screwed up her plans by admitting people of all faiths.

      1. SnappyLT*

        I cannot address the accuracy of the story.

        I can say that as an undergrad roughly four decades ago I attended a college that was founded in the late 1800s by immigrants from a particular European country. I briefly dated a young woman whose parents had both immigrated from that same country right after WWII. Her parents had indeed sent her to that college so she could meet young men of that particular heritage. She told me she wouldn’t dare tell her parents she went on a date with me because my ancestors were from different European countries than her parents.

      2. curly sue*

        I’m side-eyeing it a bit, but then again… in the late 1960s, my (Jewish) mother was told by my grandparents that girls didn’t go to university to get degrees, and she would be allowed to go to the local school for one year, to meet a nice young pre-med Jewish boy.

        My mother being who she is, she won herself a full-ride scholarship to a prestigious STEM program in a city a couple of hours away, and left on the bus in the middle of the night. My bubbe didn’t speak to her again until winter vacation (while my grandfather sent mom money on the sly.) That was much more about ingrained generational sexism on their parts than anything religious, however.

      3. PersephoneUnderground*

        I don’t know, it’s not that unheard of for people of religious groups to try to match their kids up with a “nice ____ girl/boy”. I could see my mother in law being very upset if she had sent my husband to a traditionally Catholic school and he came back married to (Protestant) me. She was most definitely NOT happy when we got engaged, but she didn’t have any third party to blame in our case (and this was 2014). If she had? Totally plausible story, especially if you put it a bit in the past where these sorts of attitudes we’re more common and openly acknowledged. Lots of things that absolutely happened in the not too distant past sound really far fetched to modern ears.

  51. LaDeeDa*

    I have had a number of encounters- between teaching at a community college every other semester, running an intern and new grad programs at my company, and representing my company at STEM and recruiting events!
    Here are a few that come to mind:
    1. A 23 yr old senior in college engineering intern was denied a week off and came into my office holding his cell phone and told me his mom wanted to talk to me.
    2. The student who would FaceTime her mom so her mom would know what she learned and could help her prioritize her homework, and help her study. I sort of shrugged that off until the young woman held her hand up and said her mom had a question.
    3. I was the guest speaker at a women in STEM event being held at a university, a woman came up to me saying how she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and how I would be a great mentor for her daughter, when I asked where her daughter was she said “Oh this isn’t over until after 10:00, and I make her go to bed at 9:00 on school nights.” I asked how old her daugher was— 20.

  52. SJLSUE*

    I was 26 years old and needed to fly across the country for a work event. This would be my first flight ever. My parents took me the airport, which was fine. Not fine was my mother overhearing an older man mention that he was flying to the same place as me, so she approached him and asked him to please watch out for me because this was my first flight. Again, I was 26, married and had a child!!! I was mortified.

    1. Stained Glass Cannon*

      My father did that to me when I first had to fly for work assignments. He went to the counter staff, to the security staff, to the staff at the departure lounge, pretty much anyone in a uniform who was nearby. Pointed me out, told them what flight I was on, when it was departing and when/where it would arrive, asked them to keep an eye on me…I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. After the second time he did this I put my foot down and refused to let him accompany me to the airport at all.

      1. Darcy*

        The first time I went abroad on my own (16) my mum forgot to ask me anything about where I was going until a work colleague asked her where I was off to and she realised she only knew the country and not even which city I was going to or the address of the friend I was staying with

  53. Emmab*

    I was once interviewing for an Admin Asst role, it was a junior role but in a fast paced office so we were looking for someone who could hit the ground running, and felt comfortable interacting with a range of staff.

    We had this brilliantly written application from a young woman who hadn’t had much work experience but had done a lot of volunteering in a charity office. Her cover letter was really thorough and had everything we wanted, so we called her for an interview.

    When I went to meet her in the lobby, her mum was with her. Ok, a little weird as she was in her early 20s, but maybe they’d had lunch together or something before the interview. Her mum was very enthusiastic and bubbly, made a big scene of introducing her fantastic daughter and how excited she was to be here. The daughter barely spoke, but I assumed she was just a bit shy and maybe a bit embarrassed.

    I was half expecting her mum to follow us to the interview room, fortunately she didn’t. When the interview started, it became immediately clear that the candidate was very different in person to her application. She answered our questions with one or two word answers, avoided eye contact, fidgeted. Sometimes after her answer she’d say ‘is that what you wanted?’. None of the confidence or articulate persona I had seen in her application. I wondered if maybe she was just nervous and tried to warm her up, but when we asked about examples in her cover letter she didn’t seem to know what we were even talking about. It became clear that she must’ve had a lot of ‘help’ with her application, if she had even written it at all, and I guessed who may have been the true author.

    After the interview wrapped I escorted her to the lobby and thanked her for coming etc. Her mum immediately ran up to us and asked how it went, was there anything else we needed to know, when would the daughter hear etc. I said we’d be in touch and went back to the office.

    10 minutes later I get a call from reception, the mum is back and needs to talk to me. I tell the Receptionist I have another meeting and can’t talk, so please let her know I can’t come meet her now.

    I later went down to talk to the Receptionist and apparently the mum kept telling her that her daughter was unwell and not feeling great at the interview, it wasn’t fair, could they reschedule etc.

    Just insane, I can’t imagine how anyone could think that was helpful to their child.

    3. Curmudgeon in California*

      Oh that poor girl! No wonder she was quiet and fidgeting. She may have had nothing to do with the application at all until her mother dragged her to the interview. Plus, she was obviously so conditioned to pleasing people that the individuality was half snuffed out of her!

      1. Flash Bristow*

        Yep. “Is that what you wanted?” is just sad to hear, really. Poor girl.

        1. EmmaB*

          It was really difficult, I really felt for her, she was so quiet and visibly uncomfortable. I hope she managed to break away from her mother.

  54. TravelJunkie*

    I have two stories:
    1- At OldJob where I ran media relations I gave one of my fresh-out-of-college direct reports kind and constructive but direct feedback on the first draft of a press release he wrote. He was clearly upset when we discussed it, and I explained that even the best writers in the world get edited, etc. About 10 minutes later I receive a phone call. From his mother. “This is xx, Steve’s mother. Steve works very hard on his writing is very upset that all you ever do is criticize it.” I said, “xx, I don’t discuss work issues with outside parties. Have a good day.” And I hung up.

    2-At different OldJob One of my direct reports didn’t come in. She was already on a PIP. So I called her. “Oh, hey TravelJunkie, I don’t think I can come in today. It’s raining and I have a case of the Mondays.” So I said “Ok, well I’ll mark this as a vacation day then.” At which point she backpedaled and begrudgingly came in. She walked into my office, said “Here, my dad wants to talk to you” and had us on speakerphone. I looked at her, said absolutely not, and went back to what I was doing. She stood there a second and as she left I hear her dad say, Who’s her boss? I’m going to call her boss. Good luck with that. My boss would have shut that dad down immediately.

  55. Utoh!*

    While this may not be completely related this is the first year where large majority of our interns are NOT related to current employees. They actually selected interns based on their computer major and placed them in departments relative to what they may do after graduation (what a concept!). We’ve had some real winners in the past, the CIO and CEO’s son stand out as being completely useless and glued to their cell phones all day. I have no idea where they ended up, but you can bet their dads helped them get there.

  56. No Thanks*

    Not parenting, but for years I worked with a man whose wife also worked at the same company but in a completely different department. The wife requested a meeting with our supervisor, who assumed it was related to her role. Nope, she was there to order the supervisor to give her husband more of a raise (which she knew would be at the expense of others) and to give him fewer duties (he had only one duty). It was…something. She and the supervisor shared the same somewhat ineffectual manager, who at least informed her that it was inappropriate. She continued surprising the supervisor in his office with the same “request” every year.

    The wife also made all his meals for him, picked out his clothing, filled out his work forms for him, and basically treated him like a second kid. Once a few years ago, he told me he didn’t know what school their kid went to.

    1. MusicWithRocksInIt*

      I used to work with a dude who’s wife would leave her job everyday, pickup takeout food for him and drive the fifteen minutes to where he worked to drop off the takeout food and then drove fifteen minutes back to her work to eat her lunch. We had a lunch break – he could have left to get his own takeout, but no, his wife got it for him every damn day. If for some reason she couldn’t make it he would go around to figure out if anyone else was going out for lunch that day to try to get them to pick something up for him.

        1. Armchair Expert*

          This sounds like it might be the husband’s expectation, though, not the wife volunteering? If he tries to get others to do it in her absence?

          1. OhBehave*

            Either he was so controlling he demanded this of her or she was the helicopter wife (he went from mom’s home to married life and knew nothing different).

            My husband would think I was nuts if I did this.

  57. Kara*

    I went to school with a boy whose mother would follow her kids to whatever school they went to. An aide at one school, get hired as a secretary at the next. When the kids were in high school they worked at the usual entry-level jobs. One day I was ordering at a popular chicken fast-food restaurant and recognized the younger brother of the boy who was in my class. He took my order, and as I was people-watching while waiting for my food to be prepared, guess who I saw working the drive-thru window? None other than mommy dearest… Smh.

    We’re all in our 30s now, and I do hope she’s stopped following her children around to their various jobs…

    I somehow doubt it.

    1. buttrue???*

      I know a woman who was banned from her daughter’s school and it carried from elementary through high school. She was not allowed there for any reason at all. In elementary school should would come at sit with her a lunch.

  58. IHaveanAnnoyingCoworker*

    I don’t know if this is helicopter parenting or WHAT, but I work at a large engineering company. We have a coworker who graduated at 18 from university (normal age to graduate is more like 22) and immediately started working with us. He has now been with us for TEN YEARS working full time as a software engineer. Het gets paid fairly well. And to this day, as far as I can tell, he still lives with his able bodied parents who drive him to work every single day. He could, by now, have definitely afforded to at least rent an apartment and/or maybe get a car, but nope! While he is a bit odd he does not have any disabilities that preclude him from independent living or being able to drive a car.

    1. Silver Fig*

      Last year my company hired a 16-year-old PE. She was homeschooled, went to college in her early teens, and got her engineering license before she got a driver’s license. Her mom drove her to work for almost a year before she was able to get her driver’s license.

      1. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

        I thought you had to have a couple of years of work experience before you could even sit the PE exam?

        (Passing the FE exam before 16, sure – it’s pretty common for college seniors to take that. But that’s only one step on the way to a license.)

    2. bcgg*

      The driving to work is definitely weird, but there might just be a cultural thing going on here! In lots of cultures it’s pretty normal to live with your parents until you get married, or even after.

      1. IHaveanAnnoyingCoworker*

        I mean, he’s just like… straight up Caucasian male from the same city/town/province I’m from.

      2. Liane*

        “but there might just be a cultural thing going on here!”
        If that were the local culture, IHaveanAnnoyingCoworker, would know & probably wouldn’t find any of it odd–because they are familiar with the local culture.

    3. CheeryO*

      Could he be saving for a house? I’m in my late 20s and know a handful of people who skipped right over renting and lived at home until they could afford a down payment on a house. Some people take the whole “renting is throwing money away” thing really seriously.

      1. IHaveanAnnoyingCoworker*

        If he is, he must be saving up to pay for the whole thing in cash, or his parents are charging him a lot of rent. I mean, he’s been working full time for 10 years, if he was living rent free that would be more than enough time to pay off any possible student loans he had (fairly low due to living with parents during his schooling) and save a good downpayment! Houses in our area aren’t that expensive.

        1. Pescadero*

          When my parents divorced – my dad, sister, and I moved in with my grandmother while my dad built a house.

          It took 11 years to build the house – because no loans at all were involved and he built the house entirely himself.

          It take a long time to build a house by yourself while working full time, with no loans, on a working class salary (while raising two kids).

    4. Anax*

      It’s also possible that this person has an invisible disability you don’t know about which precludes driving and makes independent living difficult. Say, the LW from a couple years ago who has seizures in her sleep.

      Given that this is a smart, socially-odd person who works in software engineering… I’m just gonna take a wild guess that he may have a neurodevelopmental condition going on. I can tell you from experience that those can cause some weird issues which make driving and independent living frustrating and difficult, which wouldn’t come up at work. It really helps my quality of life to have someone ELSE do the grocery shopping and load the dishwasher; certain tasks really stress me out. (I do other things that BF and GF don’t like, like laundry and paperwork.)

      So… eh, might be helicoptering, might be a reasonable accommodation which works for everyone, depending on where consent and boundaries lay. Heck, this person might be living with his folks because one of them has a physical disability and needs help, or be living in a mother-in-law’s suite and rarely see his folks except when they carpool.

      2. Errol*

        But on the other side, sometimes people are just dependent. My ex was also an engineer oddly enough and completely reliant on his mother because his mom liked feeling needed.
        He lived in his grandparents house rent free and his mother would come over and cook and clean the house 3 times a week. Perfectly neurotypical dude just a little socially awkward, but just never had to be independent so he just didn’t. He loved being coddled and his mother lived to coddle him. Just completely failed to launch because he never had to.

        Let me tell you, his mother never liked me because I made him (a grown *ss man in his 30’s by the way) learn to make his own dinner and how do more cleaning things then just sweeping the floor.

    5. Utoh!*

      Yeah, I can top that, three men in my department (in the range of 40-50 years old) still live with their parents, and one had his 8o+ father driving him to work every day for years (he had driven himself initially). The one who was being driven was fired for a breach of security, and lo and behold, he is now driving again because I’m sure his father got fed up, he was pretty ornery to begin with!

      1. Anne (with an “e”)*

        My neighbor’s dad drives him to work (neighbor is in his mid thirties) because his license was revoked for driving while impaired. Dad picks up neighbor every am and drops him off after 5:30 pm.

    6. Beth*

      I wouldn’t call it helicoptering unless one or both of the parents are inserting themselves into his work life in inappropriate ways. Or into his social/personal life, but that’s outside the scope of the discussion. As others have said, there could be any number of reasons for it.

    7. ADHsquirrelWhat?*

      There’s some odd things about driving, though –

      I have ADHD. Because of this (and because of a genetic disorder in my family that made me figure I’d be blind by the age of 30 so why bother – I’m in my 40s and not blind so yay!) I did not learn to drive until after my son was born and I NEEDED to be able to get around on my own. There’s no obvious disability here.

      But driving before and after ADHD medication is like two entirely different experiences. Driving without medication is overload city. Driving, doing a full day of work, and then driving AGAIN would be nightmare territory. Even if I loved my job, even if I felt it was hours of play and not work it would be overload territory! If there’s no mass transit (which can also be overwhelming, but often less so) then .. how else is he gonna manage if he’s got a brain like mine? Sometimes the issues aren’t very visible.

      1. Anax*

        I’m autistic, and driving after work is overload-city for me, too; I’m lucky enough to be able to carpool with my GF, but… goodness, that’s relatable.

    8. BottleBlonde*

      He may be able to afford moving out, but what if he doesn’t want to? Why spend the extra money if both you and your parents are happy? (Granted I’m from a culture where this is normal/expected :))

      The car thing is a bit stranger. I do know lots of adults who don’t drive and never have. I’d find that terribly inconvenient.

      1. Clay on my apron*

        I found it very difficult to learn to drive. I was 29 when I managed to get my license. It was limiting and embarrassing to rely on others for transport (I live in a city that has limited public transport). Probably a combination of ADHD, sensory integration issues and poor motor planning.

      2. Doris*

        I still don’t drive and know quite a lot of people who don’t. I failed the test a few times at 17 and then tried to learn again in my 20s and got pretty far, but was derailed by a relationship break-up. The worst thing is the stigma, really, I think, of people thinking you’re “strange” or not quite a proper adult.

        1. Doris*

          Having always lived in inner city areas with good public transport, though, the only reasons I’d bother to learn now would be 1) if I had a kid 2) if it was a work requirement 3) if I moved to somewhere very rural, or 4) if someone very close to me and very patient had a car and offered me lessons.

      3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Depends on where you live, really. I have had a license and a car since I was 17 but didn’t bother to get a car when I moved to the UK 15 years ago because I don’t need it (good public transportation where I live) and it isn’t worth the expense. If I ever get a more stable job that requires a car I’ll get one but right now there’s no point.

        1. Rachel in NYC*

          I’ve kept my license up but I living in a city I have no interest in having a car (which is not dissimilar to my position on driving.) Though I do try to drive when I visit family…just keep my toe in the water.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            I actually love driving and do it whenever I get the chance when visiting family. My husband doesn’t drive but we recently took a vacation where I rented a car and drove all over France. It was fun. There’s just no way for me to justify paying the insurance on a car when I have the metro and bus station 5 minutes’ walk down the road!

  59. Essess*

    I was 25 years old, married, and living several hours away from my mother…. and during a blizzard one day she called my boss to find out if I’d worn a hat and scarf to work that morning.

  60. Magenta*

    I had forgotten about this, it isn’t a work one but it is a massive over-step.

    I was 21 and in my last term at university, my mum “accidentally” opened a bank statement and saw that I was over my overdraft.

    She went into the bank and somehow managed to bully the manager into telling her what I owed, letting her pay it off and close the account. Meaning I had no bank account and couldn’t be paid from my job, I had to scrabble around trying to open a new one.

    I was so mortified at her behaviour that I never went in to complain about the huge data breach on the part of the bank. To this day my mum still thinks she did me a favour.

    1. Turtlewings*

      My jaw is on the floor. That is absolutely appalling. Obviously your mother was massively out of line, but for the bank to let her do that just blows my MIND.

    2. Clodagh*

      When I was at Uni my Mum managed to convince someone at the bank to tell her what my account balance was (zero at the time due to a high level of drinking and drinking-adjacent events the previous week). She then put some money in my account so I wouldn’t go short. I was furious which absolutely baffled her and probably baffles her to this day, to be honest.

    3. embertine*

      It’s sadly not that unusual. When my parents split up in my early twenties, my father tried to continue to put money in my account as a way of staying in touch with me. Repeated requests to the bank not to accept payment failed. I had to go into the branch with a copy of data protection laws in my hand and threaten to “take my business elsewhere” to get them to comply.

    4. dotdotnotalot*

      A friend of my grandmother’s worked at the bank I used in high school. He called my mom and told her I was writing checks to Planned Parenthood (it was for my birth control). I so so so so so much wish I had gone down to the bank and filed a complaint and closed my account, but I took my cue from my mom, who did nothing, so I did nothing. Sigh.

  61. kc89*

    For my first job the plan was for me to go to the interview and then meet my mom afterwards for dinner, the interview went much longer than expected and I ended up getting hired on the spot, while the hiring manager was walking me out the receptionist looked at me and smiled and said “oh, your mom just called to check up on you :) ”

    I understand that she was worried because I was late for meeting her, but a decade later I still cringe thinking about getting hired at my first job and within minutes my mom called the front desk!

  62. Anon Is Me*

    I’m the child of a helicopter parent. I still live at home at almost 24. I work part time at a call center. My boss offered me more hours and after accepting them, my mom made me go back and turn them down. If I say I want to work more, my mom questions what I need money for. I want to be independent, but marriage is basically my only way to do that. Don’t make fun of helicopter kids too much, we’re suffering.

    1. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

      Oh lord, that’s extreme helicopter parenting, if it even fits in that category anymore. I’m so sorry you’re going through that and I hope you can get out soon.

    2. ThatGirl*

      I know this is none of my business, but … why can’t you move out? Roommate, other relative? You can and should set any boundaries you can even if you’re unable to move out. Can you get to work on your own? If so, your mom has no control over your work hours, for instance. I would recommend Captain Awkward as a great resource for this sort of thing.

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        High COL area, I saw stuff like this a lot when I lived in San Francisco.

          1. seejay*

            Stop with comments like this. If it were the case of being able to get a job just to get away from a situation like this, I’m sure she would have done it by now. Situations like this are way more complex than just “Get a job and MOVE” and jobs *aren’t* that easy to come by… it’s like telling someone who’s in a low-paying job to just get a better one so they can change their poverty state.

            This is absolutely 100% not helpful.

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              Amen. I’ve never experienced anything like this but it is surely obvious that it’s not that easy to just change your life in an instant, otherwise it would have already happened.

        2. ThatGirl*

          That can definitely make it more difficult to move out. But it can still be done – with a little good luck. It sounds like Anon is Me has the opportunity for full-time work and is good at her (?) job so hopefully that would make at least shared housing affordable.

    3. JustKnope*

      Anon Is Me, I want to say this gently, but this sounds more like abuse than a helicoptering parent. I agree with the comment above that you should check out Captain Awkward for resources.

      1. partway through*

        Seconding this. Not to generalize, but my experience with helicopter parents–which I do run into frequently in my job–don’t usually involve the parents actively sabotaging their children’s opportunities. If anything, it’s the opposite: they just can’t understand why we won’t give their children MORE and BETTER opportunities.

        This sounds much more like a control maneuver and I’d encourage you to check out some resources if you can.

    4. LurkNoMore*

      You’ve got some big decisions to make. Better make them soon or you’ll go from having your Mother directing your life to your partner doing it.

    5. Troutwaxer*

      Nobody is making fun of you. We’re very worried about people in your situation and understand very clearly that you are being abused by your parents.

    6. Jessen*

      Look into jobs that have housing attached. Cruise ships, national park service, or similar. They’re hard, but they’re a good way out of bad situations because you have a place to stay and food while you save up money. Or even some sort of volunteering opportunity that would provide room and board and a small stipend (things like americorps).

      It’s not going to get better, but you can do it. It feels like you’re trapped at home with her, but there are options. Remember that parents like this don’t tell you the whole truth.

    7. Anon Is Me*

      I may have made things seem worse than they are. My mom is a great person, she just has a hard time letting me go I guess. I’m finishing my degree in December, so hopefully I can find something with enough of a salary so I can get my own place to live.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Living on your own is great but don’t discount a roommate who, yknow, treats you like a functioning adult. Good luck.

      3. partway through*

        I’m glad you’re close to finishing your degree and I hope things work out for you!!

        Since I don’t know the full situation, I won’t comment further, but I wouldn’t be comfortable reading your follow-up without noting that the “hard time letting me go” reasoning–in conjunction with the genuinely worrisome behavior of scrutinizing and purposefully reducing your income as an adult–is something I’ve seen a lot from friends and acquaintances who have had to rationalize their treatment by their parents into something more palatable when they realize that the “normal” thing about their parent they’ve said or typed horrified their friends.

        It sounds like you really care about your mom, but I would still encourage you–just for comparison’s sake if nothing else–to check out CA or other resources on dealing with controlling parents.

        1. Anax*

          Seconding this. It worries me that you respond to our concern with “I must have said it wrong, it’s my fault you’re worried”, because… that’s exactly what I used to say, when I was in your shoes. I had to absolutely believe that my mom was a great person; it was one of the bedrock pillars of my life, and it took me a long time to challenge that idea.

          You’re the judge of your own experience, and she may well be awesome. I think either way, it would be good for you to have a safe space to vent – reddit.com/r/justnotalk has been pretty good, from what I’ve seen, as is CA.

          1. Jessen*

            I was very much the same way as well, that sounds like something I’d have said 10 years ago. And in retrospect I said it a lot because I was used to the idea that control was love, and didn’t have the experience to counter it.

      4. Colette*

        One of the things it’s important to realize is that letting go is a parent’s whole responsibility. It sounds like your mom isn’t good at that, which is actively harmful to you (because you won’t get the experience of dealing with things yourself).

        From the time an infant learns to crawl, they are building independence and pulling away from their parents. That’s good and normal.

        If your mom is having a hard time letting go, that’s tough for her – but you are not responsible for solving that problem for her. You can live your life as you see fit, and she doesn’t get a vote.

        Now, since you’re living at home, she does get some input, but if/when you choose to move out, you do not owe her any input into your decisions. You can give her some input if she behaves reasonably, but it’s a gift, not an obligation.

      5. Observer*

        Your mom may be a great person. But what she is doing IS abusive.

        And, as I said below, marriage is not going to change this.

      6. Thankful for AAM*

        Anon is me, there was another poster here whose mom really contoled her income and life. Commentors here helped give her the confidence to push back and move out on her own. Please ask for help if you want it. You can do it!!

    8. WellRed*

      Is this partly a cultural thing? Not the abusive part, but that you think marriage is the only way out? Cause it’s not, at least in most places. Getting more hours at your job to become self-supporting? That’s your way out.

      1. Anon is Me*

        I come from a Pakistani family and it is common for women to live at home until they marry

        1. Paki*

          Fellow Pakistani female here – you need to start making decisions that are good for you, putting your foot down when your parents get outrageous (you will win some battles, you will lose some), don’t fall for the tears/guilt trips/cultural identity reasons. I’ve read the phrase elsewhere on the internet that adulthood is not given, it’s taken. You have to reverse coach your parents into realizing what is normal and acceptable.

          At 26 I went and got an apartment and then informed them I was moving. There were tears, the intense disappointment, what will people say wails, silent treatment.

          The best advice I can give you is (1) think about how you want your life to look like on a day to day basis and then move forward piece by piece, (2) become immune to the social pressure even though it makes you feel callous, (3) realize that marriage won’t necessarily give you more freedom and (4) the intense way we are socially brought up/groomed is to blame and is going to make this separation process painful for you as well.

          The switch for me flipped when I realized, what would my parents actually do if I stayed out late? Nothing. They can’t even complain about it outside the house because they don’t want their friends to know. You have leverage, you just need to be clever about it. If you want extra hours, go back and get them,

          At the end of the day, we are responsible for how our lives turn out, not our parents.

          1. irene adler*

            Much wisdom here. Good post!
            In the end, your life is what you make it.
            Gotta stand up for yourself and what you want in life. Not always easy to do. Don’t let that deter you.

        2. Adjuncts Anonymous*

          I’d also put my official documents (passport, birth certificate, etc.) somewhere your parents can’t touch, such as a bank they don’t do business with. You might also want to open your own banking account they can’t touch as well. I have read horror stories about women in your position, so better safe than sorry!

      2. Observer*

        Even in cultures where it’s common to live with parents till marriage it IS generally possible for an unmarried young person to move out.

    9. iglwif*

      I’m so sorry! That’s awful.

      I hope nobody here is making fun of helicoptered kids — it should be clear that they didn’t ask to have boundary-crossing, controlling, and/or abusive parents, and that they are in a bad position for reasons that aren’t their fault or their choice.

      Sidebar: I realize you’re not asking for advice and I hope you’ll feel free to tell me off for this if you want to, but: PLEASE think twice about marriage as a means of escape, because I know people who have taken this route and IME it very rarely ends well. I don’t know your circumstances but I *hope* other options can be found!

    10. Anya the Demon*

      I know that it’s a form of an abusive relationship, where it’s really hard to actually leave. Do you have a friend you can crash with rent-free for a few weeks while you take on more hours at work and start earning more $$ so you can rent a room in a shared house or something affordable like that? It will only get harder and harder to leave as you get older and don’t develop your work history. Pack a bag and get out as soon as you can. This is an abusive relationship where your growth is being severely stunted and your life is not under your own control. Get out, get out, get out.

    11. Nicelutherangirl*

      Anon, I am so sorry for what you and others like you are clearly suffering. I hope you’ve caught the comments that defend the students and employees who have helicopter parents, pointing out that they have little to no control over what their parents are doing and shouldn’t be judged by their parents’ behaviors.

      I’m probably writing something you already know, but if that’s the case, just consider it support and reinforcement for you. By psychologically coercing you to turn down those extra hours at work, thus denying you access to additional income and, what’s worse, rejecting your autonomy, your mom is behaving like an abusive spouse. Like an abused spouse, you need to come up with an escape plan. Figure out someone you can stay with temporarily while you take on those extra hours or get a second job to earn enough money to become independent. You haven’t written anything to indicate that your mom would ever try to harm you physically if you tried to leave home, but I’m recommending that you Google the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and either call their 1-800 number or look at their website for ideas about forming an escape plan. There are several practical steps like stashing money, changing passwords on any accounts, etc., that would probably be useful to you in your situation.

      Good luck with your pursuit of independence! You have a right to it.

    12. nonegiven*

      Open a Roth IRA. You can tell her you’re saving for retirement, then if you really do need the money you can take out the contributions if you need to.

    13. Observer*

      I’m sure you’re suffering. But marriage is NOT the only way for you to get out from under.

      In fact, please don’t consider marriage till you get out from under your parents, because if you don’t they are going to get into your marriage.

      Make sure your parents have no access to your bank account. Then start saving like mad. This way you will be able to move out eventually.

      If your boss offers you more hours, TAKE THEM. Don’t let your parents bully you into refusing to work full time.

      Also, start job hunting for a job that pays better than that call center, or go back to school to gain skills for something that will let you get a better job. You may have to wait till you are 25, at which point I think they no longer look at your parent’s income and you son’t need their cooperation.

    14. Not A Manager*

      My heart is just breaking for you. Honestly I think this is abuse, and I think you should consider contacting a domestic violence hotline. Keeping someone economically dependent so that they don’t leave is *textbook* abuse, and just because it’s your mother and not a domestic partner doesn’t change that.

      Ask your boss will they let you take those extra hours in the future, if you can get out and couch surf or even get into a shelter.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I forgot I hadn’t refreshed the page in a while, so others have brought this up.

        @Anon Is Me, if you’re in school maybe there’s a counseling center there. See what resources your school can offer you. You might benefit from talking to someone other than your parents/members of your immediate community.

    15. Archaeopteryx*

      It will be very difficult but you have to find a solution other than marriage for getting our on your own. Marriage isn’t a means to this sort of end, and it’s very unlikely that you’ll form a healthy, lasting, equal partnership when you’re using it to jump ship from abuse. You can end up worse than you started, and even if you don’t, recalibrating healthy boundaries and figuring out who you want to be- independent of parents or partner- are essential to being truly happy as you build a future.

      As others are saying, there are roommates, there are other cities and states, and there are opportunities to get out in your own. You can do it; keep trying!

      1. Long weekend*

        As food for thought, marriage and then parenting small children yourself can be extra extra hard if you’ve parent’s who’re super controlling or borderline abusive. It’s hard to advocate for your own little ones if the boundaries are not already drawn.
        I’ve got a work colleague who broke down in tears one day because her parents were making decisions about her children. These decisions undermined her as a mother, adult and strained the marriage relationship. Examples were not permitting daycare as children had to be cared for by the grandparents who had keys to her house. They were also selecting the primary school. Her son aged 4 was already not listening to her…. (In Australia)

  63. Snubble*

    My mother was a helicopter parent, and now she is an estranged parent, and it is the best decision I’ve ever made. In her case it was less about honest-but-overactive support, and more about maintaining her illusion that I was a semi-autonomous extra limb. I suspect this is true of quite a high proportion of adults who interfere with the paid work of other adults.

    1. Data Analyst*

      Agreed. I am also estranged from my mom, and she never quite got to this point because I was already mostly detached from her by the time I entered the working world, but she was always way too involved in things like my sports (calling a coach to berate them for making a comment that was hurtful to me – maybe legit on the surface, but in her mind it was like it was happening TO HER and not me so the response felt very icky) and she did not “allow” me to have a job when I was in high school since I needed to focus on academics…anyway, I have no doubt that if I’d stayed connected to her, she would have been the type to call and complain if a boss did something she deemed unfair, etc.

      1. Anax*

        ‘You can’t have a job because you need to focus on school / well, you’ve never worked a day in your life’ was one of Mom’s favorite catch-22s. Ugh.

        I really like the ‘semi-autonomous extra limb’ description.

    2. No Mercy Percy*

      I very much relate to this, and am also estranged from my mom by choice. Also one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

    3. AnonMom*

      I am also estranged by choice from my mother and do not regret it one bit. Once she started extending her manipulative and controlling ways to my own offspring, I realized how abusive and unreasonable she had been my whole life. I was NOT going to let her put another generation through that.

  64. NYWeasel*

    I don’t know if this counts as helicopter parenting, but it’s too funny not to share.

    I was working at a McDonald’s back in the 80’s. Jobs were plentiful, so they couldn’t be picky about the staff, and we had a number of deadbeat employees, including Jason. Our manager, Chidi, was pretty sure Jason had been clocking in after breaks but staying in the break room goofing off “on the clock”, so he paid close attention one Saturday and caught Jason in the act.

    Jason looked up from the lunch table to see Chidi brandishing Jason’s time card, already punched back in. “Busted!” moaned Jason. “Suspended” replied Chidi. He told Jason to pack up and go home for a three day suspension. (See note above about struggling to find help)

    This all happened in the middle of the lunch rush during the holiday season, and Chidi and the rest of us were soon struggling to keep up with an insane number of customers. Six deep at every single register, line of cars wrapping around the building. Chidi was working the drive through window when all of a sudden a car screeched up outside, and a woman jumped out. She was wearing only a dress, which she pulled up over her head, and wiggling side to side to show off EVERYTHING to the assembled crowds, she screamed “Eat THIS, Chidi!!!” Just then, Jason sauntered out of the store and said “Hey, Mom” as he got in the car.

    This was over 30 years ago, and I still wonder how awkward the conversation was on the way home.

    1. Landshark*

      Sounds like just another day in Jacksonville…

      (I love the names you picked! Omg.)

  65. Winifred*

    When I managed an outlet of a fancy coffee chain, most of my staff were high school kids. Some were great, some not so much. I had to terminate one for chronic absenteeism and his father came in and demanded to speak to me. I was shocked so I did. He then accused me of being anti Semitic for firing his Jewish son and not all the other people who just didn’t show up for shifts (which I did do … fire them, that is). He was very angry. I refrained from telling him how his kid showed up to work high all the time, stole from the store, and was never on time.

  66. mark132*

    I don’t know if this counts but I was picky about my daughter’s work hours, in my defense she was 15 at the time and it was a school nights.

    1. CheeryO*

      I posted this on one of the recent threads, but my parents would always call the managers at my first job when they scheduled me on days that I had requested off, and when they ignored my requests for fewer hours. I got an all-caps sign put up in my honor saying that the managers did NOT want to talk to parents. It was a crappy place to work, and I don’t regret having them stick up for me, although I could have used the practice with advocating for myself.

      1. mark132*

        To be fair, I never called the store. I always let my daughter deal with it directly. I just let her know she had to get off at an appropriate hour, and if she wanted she could name me as the bad guy. And that place was a crappy place as well.

    2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      As a manager, I always welcomed parents who wanted to ensure we were providing a workplace compliant with the child labor laws of our state. I always followed the laws and was happy to explain that to the parent.

    3. Anax*

      Totally doesn’t count – that’s US federal law. Fifteen-year-olds can work no more than 3 hours on a school day, they can’t work after 7pm during the school year, and they can’t do any dangerous jobs.

      (There are also state laws that restrict things further, too.)

    4. Jennifer Thneed*

      Yeah, but did you talk to her manager about it yourself? No? Then you weren’t helicoptering. You were giving guidance.

  67. Tantallum99*

    An intern from a small town in another part of my state was scheduled for a 6 week stint in my big city. Her mother contacted me about housing—which neighborhoods to try, which to stay away from. She even sent me addresses of Airbnb’s to ask how safe each one was. This was over a few month period. I never spoke to the actual student until she showed up for her first day at the office.

    1. Tantallum99*

      Wanted to add this was grad school so the student was well into her 20s. Unreal. I moved to said big city in my own apartment when I was 19.

      1. irene adler*

        I work with this person’s mother.
        Only, mother went so far as to create a map for her child, indicating where the laundromat was located, restaurants, bus stops and other places child would be interested in.
        Then mother arrived with child to set up the room.

  68. DCGirl*

    Two stories:

    1. I worked in fund raising for a major state university supporting the phonathon program, which ran year-round. We had a student apply for a job as a phone fund raiser, which involved calling alumni and asking for donations. I would not be at all surprised if they young man was somewhere along the autism spectrum, with limited social skills, and we declined to hire him because it was clear that he was unlikely to be successful. We’d have the students do a mock phone call, and his was just painful. Well, his mother called and raised holy heck with us because she’d pushed him into applying because she thought the job would him remedy his lack of social skills. How was he going to learn social skills if we didn’t give him a job. Later, that summer, we did a special mailing to all students enrolled in summer school because we needed callers to replace the kids who’d gone home and his name was included in the mailing (we’d told Student Services to mail to all summer school students and didn’t control the list; heck, we didn’t know the kid was in summer school). His mother called and raised heck all over again because we were being mean. This was long enough ago that the understanding of autism was not as advanced as where it is today, but life was what it was back then, but I remember feeling so sorry for him with his mother pushing him to be something he might not be able to achieve.

    2. I worked in fund raising for a Catholic girls high school. Teachers had to sign contracts for the year, and one of the stipulations was that if they left in the middle of the year they had to pay a $1,000 penalty for breaking the contract. Well, there was one young woman who was hired as a first-year teacher and just hated it. She wanted to leave at the end of December, and the principal reminder her of the penalty. Both parents came in to the office to argue about that.

  69. Silver Fig*

    Best case of helicopter parenting: calling your kid’s boss and telling him to knock off the “my child” stuff, because you don’t like to share.

  70. Sneaky Ninja for this one*

    Me, two days ago.

    My son (18) started his first job at the beginning of May. They get paid via debit card (gah!!!) and his card didn’t show up for the first payroll. Fast forward to Tuesday (second payroll) still no card. He has done everything he can do to get paid. They keep telling him to call the card company, but the card company wouldn’t talk to him without the number on the card he DOESN’T FREAKIN’ HAVE. They won’t talk to the manager because the manager isn’t on the account. The division manager left it unresolved and went on vacation.

    I called and lost my shiz at the manager and the paycard company (new one came in FedEx today). I also emailed the SVP of HR let them know they are in violation of my state’s wage laws, which carries a misdemeanor and a 2% interest fine and that their paycard company improperly disclosed the call was being recorded in the middle of the call (it has to happen in the beginning, we are an all party state) which carries it’s own fines and penalties. I also advised that my son was given someone else’s (?!?!??!) pay card to take home because it had the phone to the pay card company on it and that he apparently wasn’t the only one at this location with that issue.

    Had he been older/not his first job, I’d have stayed out of it. I went full on Mama Bear.

    1. MechanicalPencil*

      I hate that getting paid by debit card crap. I applaud you for going Mama Bear. I feel like they’re taking advantage of a young workforce here, which just burns my toast.

    2. league.*

      I understand your instinct, but advising your son on how to handle the problem himself would probably have been a better idea.

      2. Sneaky Ninja for this one*

        We did. For a month. He got nowhere. He was polite, firm, and professional. He deserved to get his pay.

        1. league.*

          Fair enough! If I were the employer, though, I wouldn’t have talked to you. I would have insisted on talking only to your son. Of course, if I were the employer, this wouldn’t have happened :)

        2. Anon From Here*

          I hear you that he needed a third party to make the employer take the situation seriously. But the third party shouldn’t have been a parent.

          1. Observer*

            Why? Once you really need a third party it doesn’t really matter who. And Son should not have to pay a lawyer to keep up “norms” that the employer has blown out of the stratosphere.

          2. Elephant in the room*

            I called the Labor Relations Board in my state when I was young and got very good results for employer shenanigans. I just wish I had called them sooner!

      3. Observer*

        Nope. Not in this case. Son did everything he was supposed to. If it’s at a point that someone needs to blow a stack, it generally works better when the person who is blowing the stack has both some practice and gravitas to impress the person they are yelling at. Son would have been dismissed as “bratty kid” who “can’t handle the heat in the kitchen”. Parent, on the other hand, is seen as someone WHO WILL NOT TAKE GARBAGE.

    3. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      I think you’re right, honestly. We once had a college student who was being stalked and racially/sexually harassed by a coworker. The girl was afraid to report it because at that workplace, there was *always* retaliation for HR complaints and she wanted to “do the mature thing and let it blow over”. Mom figured it out during a weekend visit when she saw the harassing messages pop up on the daughter’s phone, and called it in without her permission.

      An investigation commenced and the guy was let go within a few hours. Managers were thankful Mom had said something because it was that serious.

    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      I’m going to excuse you for that one – it’s an especially messed-up situation that a lot of 18 year olds wouldn’t know how to handle. (I mean, it didn’t occur to anyone to just give him the phone number instead of giving him someone else’s card?) I’ve tried to make Let Me Speak To Your Manager type of phone calls in front of my kid so she can learn from the experience, but sometimes you just need an expert to jump in there and get stuff done.

        1. Anon From Here*

          I stand by my view that Mom would have helped out better, in the long term, by helping Son find a lawyer or other third-party advocate, rather than going Mama Bear herself. Or perhaps even prepped or coached him for making the phone call himself. But swinging in and doing the call herself was not ideal for a grown adult.

          I’m not just talking out of my -ss here, either. I have my own son with challenges at work and university, and I haven’t once made these phone calls or written letters for him. He knows I’m a call or a text away for help, but in his early 20s at this point he’s on his own.

          1. Observer*

            You’re totally missing the point here. This is not a kid who has THEIR challenges and needs to learn how to navigate. This is someone who needed an advocate. Insisting in such a case that they pay for a lawyer (because not all lawyers are going to help for free) or wait weeks or even months for the overstretched legals services folks to help out is just not reasonable. (There is no city n the US where free legal services is not over-stretched.)

            Sure, 9 times out of 10 parents need to stay out. There ARE exceptions though. This sounds like one of them.

          2. Samwise*

            Agreed. Mom could coach son thru the steps she took. When I was in my twenties I was being dunned by a collection agency for a bill for medical services I had not received. It was hellacious. I called my dad because I had no idea what to do and was frankly pretty scared. Dad walked me through what to say and do, talked through some scenarios, and I went and did it myself.

            And that’s how I became as good as my dad at dealing with jack holes and conquering bureaucratic idiocy. (My son is getting pretty good at it too — I coached him through some health insurance dumbassery recently. )

            Next time, mom, I hope you’ll coach your kid rather than doing it for him. He needs to practice to get good at it.

            1. Observer*

              Except that they DID coach him. Sometimes it’s just not enough.

              This kind of doctrinaire approach does no one any good.

        2. Delta Delta*

          I’m a lawyer and I represent kids. Lots of people at age 18 (and younger) have lawyers.

          And for something this shitty, if I’m being honest, I might talk to this kid and make this phone call for free or close to free, because taking advantage of kids and who might not know better doesn’t sit well with my behind and sometimes it’s fun to lawyer at a company when you know you’re in the right. (oh, now I’m all fired up on this kid’s behalf.)

      2. Not everyone can lawyer up*

        The kid wasn’t making any money, where was he getting an attorney?

      3. Hamburke*

        Doesnt need a lawyer to file the EEOC complaint, actually, but it takes time. I would have done the same thing and did it for my teen daughter’s boyfriend.

    6. Curmudgeon in California*

      I *HATE* places that try to screw you by paying with a debit card, because it’s always with a bank that has fees for EVERYTHING. It’s a scam that is easier for the company (no checks), very, very, very profitable for the bank, but screws over the employee. After all, I know of nowhere that you can pay your rent with a debit card. They want a check, money order or cash.

      Companies that do this to their employees are rotten.

      I had one place try it with me, when I was trying to get back on my feet after a stroke. I went into the bank and demanded that the funds be instantly transferred to my ordinary checking account, no I wasn’t going to be using an ATM to do it, etc. I got them to tell me about the super hidden website that let me set it up.

      But most folks who get these get screwed. They try to use the thing like a regular debit card to buy groceries, gas and money orders, and find they lose 10% of their pay to hideous bank fees.

      rant over

    7. PersephoneUnderground*

      I was pretty sure this was illegal, and a cursory Google supports me! (Not being paid by card, but requiring him to accept pay that way, if they are requiring it. As a rule, never accept payment through one of those debit card setups, they’re high fee scams and generally awful!). “The Electronic Fund Transfer Act and Regulation E prohibit employers from forcing employees to receive wages via pay card. You must offer at least one other payment option in addition to pay cards.” That’s a federal law, so tell your son to get a different form of payment- a paper check or direct deposit into a normal bank account, not this debit card b.s. ! /End rant

  71. AGirlHasNoScreenName*

    My own mother did this to me.

    I was 21 and working in a call center part time in the evenings after classes at a local community college. My mother was/is part of a national organization that has a huge conference every year in the spring and that year it was in Walt Disney World. My older sister was getting married later than year and our family all agreed it would be a good idea to take advantage of the discounted accomodations and take a family vacation together.

    For whatever reason, it fell within a two-week blackout period for time off at my job, which I only found out when submitted a request for time off two and a half months in advance. Of course, I was heartbroken, but I understood, and I told my mom that I was sorry, but work wouldn’t let me go.

    She. Was. PISSED. Telling me I needed to go back to my supervisor and explain and I told her I had tried, but these are company-wide blackout dates and I might get discliplined or fired if I pushed the issue.

    Well, Mama Bear don’t care, as I found out when I was called into my supervisor’s office a few days later and was informed that he had just got off the phone with my mother. I was mortified. I may or may not have started weeping from the embarassment. But, long story short, they granted me the time off, I wasn’t disciplined or fired after all, and they kept me on and even gave me a raise a few months later and I stayed until I transfered to a university out of state.

    To this day, I don’t know exactly what my mom said to my supervisor (she claims she merely explained in a calm, rational tone why this was important, but my supervisor was kind of a hard-ass and I know my mother and I have reason to doubt this), but it worked. To be fair, she is the same person who taught me everything I know about being my own advocate as a woman in the workplace and I usually am the best compensation in most of the positions I’ve held, so… can’t be too mad about her embarassing me.

  72. Bulldog*

    I don’t really have any stories where an employee was helicopter patented, but these two are at least tangentially related.

    At first job, we had a receptionist with a son who attended the local college. He was, I would guess, in his early twenties at the time. He was a bit of an odd duck. What struck me as particularly unusual was that he didn’t have a drivers license (and had never had one). This was in a small-ish, somewhat rural area where it was basically considered a rite of passage to get your license as soon as you turned 16. Even if you didn’t have a vehicle, you had a license. So, his mother drove him everywhere. He did not have any physical impairments that prevented him from getting a license. According to his mother, when he was a young child, he had been involved in a very minor fender bender with no injuries, and from that day forward, he swore he would never drive. His mother was constantly taking off work to drive him to various activities. Each day, she would pick him up from school on her break and he would come back and sit in the car in the parking lot until she got off to drive him home. Eventually, he got accepted to graduate school out of state and she promptly gave notice so she could move to be with him and drive for him. This was over 30 years ago and I have often wondered if he ever drove on his own.

    A later job was in insurance, and it constantly amazed me how many clients who were in their 30s, 40s, even 50s would say that they had to check with a parent before making a decision about their policies.

    1. Tigger*

      To be fair with the insurance stuff, I have my dad (who is a Lawyer) skim that type of stuff just to make sure I am not signing something that will have a negative impact on me and will be totally protected. I still make my own decisions but it’s still nice to have that double check.

    2. SnappyLT*

      A parent who drives an adult offspring around may indeed be a helicopter parent. Or, the adult offspring may have a hidden health condition that precludes obtaining a driving license.

      It turns out that a distant cousin of mine has had seizures at various times in his life – and he cannot drive for ___ months after his last seizure. (His parents never disclosed his health situation to the extended family – good for them! – but the information slipped out when another relative was talking to me about health problems in general.) In that case, his parents driving that young man around is not helicoptering.

    3. Radiant Peach*

      I have anxiety that kept me from getting my license (in a similar type of license-as-a-rite-of-passage culture) until I was 18 and kept me from driving on highways until age 23. I’m sure people thought it was weird but it wasn’t something I could help.

  73. RJK*

    Some 30 years ago, my office hired a new receptionist, just out of high school. Her mother showed up with her on her first day, and sat in the reception area until she got settled. She turned out to be good at her job. After a year she left, to go to college. Her mother send us a gift basket for being so nice to her daughter.

  74. Ramblin' Ma'am*

    A clearly reluctant young woman called our office to ask how HER BOSS’S DAUGHTER could apply for an internship. That combines helicopter parenting with crummy managing!

    1. KayEss*

      I had a boss who would absolutely have had her PA do that, except her daughter was in middle school.

  75. Zalgo*

    Not a helicopter parent, but I think the result of helicopter parenting:

    We extended an offer for a position on Monday and asked for a response by Thursday. When Friday came around with no correspondence, we sent an email letting them know we needed to hear from them by the end of the day or we were rescinding the offer.

    Still nothing.

    Monday rolls around and they call in excited to accept the position . . . to which the boss informed them it had been rescinded and there was no offer, another candidate had accepted. They then proceed to tell us that they couldn’t accept sooner because they needed to talk to their mom and dad about it and the weekend was the only time they could do that.

    On one hand, I felt bad for them because they were a fresh college graduate, but on the other, if they had mentioned at any point that they really needed a few more days to decide, we would have let them.

  76. RainbowsAndKitties*

    I worked in Financial Aid for a while. I know that college is new and scary, so I empathized a lot with younger students who called with their parents. But when they were 25+ years old and the parent was calling on their behalf, I didn’t empathize as much.

    And there were SO many parents calling on their own trying to get info about their student. And SO many parents enraged when we tell them that we can’t give them any information. Often, once the parent found out that we needed to talk to the student, they would say something along the lines of: “Oh! They’re right here!” and put the student on the phone. Why wasn’t the student the one to call in the first place? The world will never know…

    Sometimes parents would call trying to pretend to be their student. You could almost always catch them by asking them what their professor’s name was, or what time X class was. Then they would get upset that they got caught.

    Sometimes parents would let student use their credit/debit card to set up a payment plan (expecting financial aid to cover it) and when student did not do what they were supposed to do to get financial aid, we’d get angry calls from parents trying to claim that they never gave their child permission to use that credit/debit card. My response to that was always something like: “So what you are telling me, is that your child illegally used your card without your permission? You’ll need to call the police to report that” And of course, they immediately changed their story.

    1. The Original K.*

      My higher ed family friend has many, many stories about parents calling pretending to be their adult kids (she recently retired and worked in higher ed for decades, so she has lots of stories in general). It’s really staggering to me.

      1. RainbowsAndKitties*

        It completely blows my mind that people have the audacity to do that. Not to mention the fact that the parent could be abusive/estranged and trying to gain info about their child! That’s the part that always had me on high alert.

  77. Anonypants for this one*

    A person I know, in their late 20’s, had an undiagnosed UTI (which in some folks can cause mental health disturbances if it gets too bad), and their performance at work had been suffering as a result. Eventually their mother flew in from out of state and went with them to the hospital for more tests, and after they were finally diagnosed (they had to take SO MANY antibiotics, I felt so bad for them), their mother WENT IN TO WORK WITH THEM TO EXPLAIN IT TO THEIR BOSS.

    Their mother explained their child’s UTI (and how it affected their performance) to their boss. I just feel like employees’ urethras should never be topics of conversation between a boss and an employee, let alone an employee’s PARENT! (unless said employee is a hospital employee who fell ill whilst at work and was therefore treated at work by their boss, like some Grey’s Anatomy plot line…but this person works in an academic office)

    1. sacados*

      Yikes. Those can be really bad, though. A couple years ago my grandma had a bad UTI and it resulted in basically a several days-long psychotic episode. Paranoia, delusions, convinced people were trying to kill her… It was really really rough on my mom and her sibs.
      Prior to that, I’d had NO IDEA that was even a thing with UTIs.

  78. Thankful for AAM*

    I am amazed at how often parents arrive with interviewees at my library.

    I get that there can be many reasons that they arrive with a parent (anxiety, cannot drive for a medical or other reason, etc) but don’t come up to the info desk together, sit together to wait, etc. We are a library so there are many places to wait separately but still in view of each other if that is necessary.

    1. MuseumChick*

      This. My mom drove me to my first ever interview. She parked, gave me a hug, said good luck, and waited in the parking lot until I came back out. If you are a parent bringing your kid to an interview, for whatever reason, please make yourself as non-visible as possible.

  79. It's Business Time*

    A lady a work was interrupting her training as she was organizing a Doctor’s appointment for her son…. Her son is 22 years old.

  80. ArmyBrat*

    When I was in the Army a few years back I had gotten injured and was having difficulty with any doctors taking my pain seriously. I had been complaining to my Dad about the issues but had already made a meeting appt with my captain to discuss what to do to be heard. Before my meeting happened I got called in to the base commander’s office (like 40 levels of chain above me) and got chewed out because my Dad had called him and like 5 other commanders to complain about my treatment. I was so mortified and embarrased (though I did immediately get better health care after that). I actually cut my Dad out of my life for a few years after I ripped him a new one for that. We have way better boundaries now though still not a great relationship.

  81. Quickbeam*

    My husband’s grandmother came over and cleaned my mother-in-law’s house every day until she died at 93. At 74, my MIL had never cleaned her own house, spent the rest of her life calling me about how to get out stains and the right way to clean windows. And whining. I know it’s not work related but I thought it might win some award for longevity. :)

    1. RainbowsAndKitties*

      Oh my goodness! I am going to tell my mom this story and ask her why she hasn’t taken up the role of magical cleaning fairy yet haha

    2. Gumby*

      On one hand, that is horrifying.

      OTOH, how can I get me one of those? Because if I could manage to go *74* years w/o ever having to clean I wouldn’t be upset… (My mother was of the “everyone does chores as part of being in this family” type so I started “dusting” when I was a toddler. Also folding washcloths.)

  82. Ruby*

    Several years ago, when I was still living with my parents, I was waiting to hear back about a job. This was a case where I’d already been hired, and I was just waiting to hear back about a few logistical things before I could start. They were taking their time to get back to me, but it was no big deal. (This was in a field where this sort of thing is normal and expected.)

    Anyway, my dad suggested I call them. I said I preferred to wait a few days, because I wasn’t worried, and at that point he offered to call them for me. Uh, no? Thankfully he didn’t call, because I might have gotten the offer rescinded if he had!

  83. formergradstudent*

    I was an outdoor educator leading long wilderness trips. We often got teenage students who were learning to do things on their own for the first time (make decisions, cook for themselves, stay organized, etc). That was fine, and it was rewarding to see them grow. But I had one student who left the course after two days because he was so far away from self-sufficient there was no way he could do it. We were backpacking, and the first night we got to camp he asked how to take his sleeping bag out of his backpack. I was confused and answered, “You just reach in and grab it?” He obviously didn’t pack his own backpack any of the days he was there either. Anyhow, he rapidly left the course and I found out the following later. He got picked up and taken back to the outdoor school’s campus. The school coordinated with his parents to get him a flight home. His parents asked if he could just hang out at the campus for a week while they were on vacation, because they KNEW this 16-year old could not be at home alone. The school allowed him to do this. During the week, he did nothing but show up for lunch and dinner (he slept through breakfast) and play on his phone. (This was a communal-living type place where it is customary to help clean, cook, help out in other ways, and be social.) When it was time for his flight home, a staff member set TWO alarm clocks for him (he would not have done this on his own) and was very clear about what time they needed to leave for the airport. Sure enough, when it was time to leave, he was still asleep and hadn’t packed any of his stuff. The poor staff member had to wake him up and pack his suitcase for him. This is the damage helicopter parenting can do!

    1. Quickbeam*

      My husband taught at Outward Bound and NOLS for many years …has a million similar stories!

  84. Choux*

    I worked with a guy who was 40 years old. I have a LOT of stories about him, but the most relevant one is this:

    We worked in transcription. The office had both English and Spanish transcription, and he was on the Spanish side. His manager one day pointed out a mistake in his grammar in a transcription and asked him to fix it. He argued with her that he was correct and she was wrong. She told him, no, she was correct and it needed to be fixed. Five minutes later, he comes back over to her with his cellphone out and says, “My mother wants to talk to you.” His manager said, “Why?” And he said, “She says I’m right and you’re wrong.” His manager said, “Does your mother work here?” And he answered no, to which she replied, “Then I don’t want to talk to your mother.”

    Again, this man was FORTY years old.

    One other ancedote is that he was trying to stop drinking soda so he decided the way to do that was to unplug his refrigerator so that he couldn’t keep the soda cold and therefore render it undrinkable.

      1. Choux*

        Apparently so. This man also decorated his cube with a framed picture of a 15-year-old Larissa Olyenik (from the kids’ show “Alex Mack”) and one child-size plastic dress-up princess shoe. Not a pair of them. Just the one.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          This sounds like something you’d see on a Criminal Minds episode.

  85. Bossi*

    Only a couple years out of college, myself, I was working a job fair at a nearby university: standing at the desk, chatting about the work, and taking resumes. An older woman handed me a resume and I began chatting about the job assuming she was simply an older student, but she stopped my spiel and mentioned the resume was for her son.

    “Oh! Is he here?”

    She affirmed and pointed to a student sitting some distance away who appeared to be very bored, with that thousand yard stare we had just before smartphones converted it into a two foot stare. I attempted to hand the resume back, “I’ll be happy to look at this if he hands it to me” but she refused to accept it back, replying “We’re just here to drop off resumes.” So in front of her I dropped it off into the recycling bin.

    With a decade of hindsight I’m sure I could have handled that with greater sensitivity, but I like to hope they both walked away with some learned experience.

    1. pentamom*

      Everything about that situation tells me the mother left feeling fully justified and enraged with you.

    2. irene adler*

      No, I’m good with how you handled it.
      Speaking as someone who drafted my own resume, and somehow girded up the courage to speak to folks at job fairs (am an extreme introvert), I see no reason to allow this guy a pass because mommy navigates the way for him.
      And I endured many disastrous interactions with recruiters and the like. Eventually I learned how to conduct a pretty good informal interview.

  86. TheStruggleIsReal*

    I work in higher ed, so this is an almost daily occurrence (which makes me sincerely worry about our next generation, but that’s another rant for another time).

    One of my favorite stories is when a parent called and chewed me out because she couldn’t access her son’s school email, and couldn’t be CC’d on every email sent to him. Since she was “paying the bill” (actually, the state was paying the bill as he was on a full scholarship, but whatever) she felt she had the right. I asked her why she needed this access and she said, “he’s only 18, how is he expected to keep track of his email? I don’t even know if he knows how to check his email! He needs me to manage it for him so I can see the important stuff.” If he can’t take a little time out of each day to read his emails and doesn’t have the ability to deduce what emails are important for him, he probably isn’t ready for college yet.

    Just the other day we had a mom accompany her 28-year-old son to demand that we register him for a class that was full and had a waiting list. I had to take a walk after that conversation.

    1. Drew*

      “What are you doing? If you have time to take a walk, you have time to help my son!”

      1. TheStruggleIsReal*

        Yep…God forbid we handle normal bodily functions like bathroom breaks or lunch breaks.

  87. What's with Today, today?*

    My very first job, I was 16 and working retail in a bigger city about 20 minutes from my town. On the night before winter finals, we found out the regional manager was coming the next day and at closing time, the Manager decided we all needed to stay to reorganize the store. This is around 1997, so pre-cell phones being everywhere. I called home and told my parents I’d be late, no problem. But when they still hadn’t let me leave by 1:30 a.m., my Dad called the store PISSED AS SHIT. He told the manager in no uncertain terms that I was to leave immediately. And I did. A few weeks later we had a massive ice storm, and I was a brand new driver and could not drive into the City, so I called in. The manager called back to try and pressure me into coming into work, and dad grabbed the phone out of my hand and told her that not only would I not be there that night but I would not be back. That’s the ONLY time he ever interfered with a job of mine, and I’m actually grinning really big writing this. I love my Dad.

    2. MarsJenkar*

      There’s helicoptering, and there’s justifiable defense of your kin. These incidents to me seem like the latter. It can be a fine line at times, but your dad seems to have an idea where the line is. Some might say that essentially “quitting” your job for you might be overstepping, but the circumstances seemed to justify that in this case (you were only 16, and your boss was actively pressuring you to endanger yourself).

  88. CountryLass*

    I had a lung infection and ended up breaking a rib due to coughing (no, I didn’t know it was possible either!). On the way back from the hospital after I was told I had broken it , had a lung infection and was signed off work for 3 weeks, we drove past the pub where I worked, and my mum popped in to tell them what had happened and that I had been signed off for at least 3 weeks and then would have to see the doctor again to assess my lungs, especially as it was a pub with a large smoking section that I couldn’t avoid, involved lots of lifting and running around! Boss’s response to my mum “so she will be in three weeks today then?” Cue glare from my mother, “No, I said she has been signed off for at least 3 weeks and will be assessed again.”

    As it turns out, during my time off sick I had a Road To Damascus moment, left the guy I was dating, pulled out of the house we were buying together and quit my job! My Boss called me when she heard I had split with the guy (who also worked there) and asked me did I not think that I was letting my parents have too much influence in my life, and could I not think for myself? And when I started a new job 2 days after my last sick note ran out, she called me and accused me of working there whilst I was signed off sick and that she wanted the sick pay back! I told her to call my new boss, ask them when I started, ask them when they originally wanted me to start and then why I told them I couldn’t start on that day. And then to call me back with an apology. 15 years later and I’m still waiting…

    1. Bow Ties Are Cool*

      Ohhhh, I did that once. And the coughing does not magically stop because your rib is broken, so you’re coughing hard enough to break a rib WITH A BROKEN RIB. Pure agony.

    2. Tabby Baltimore*

      Thank you for introducing me to the phrase “road to Damascus moment.” I can hardly wait to use it.

  89. Stained Glass Cannon*

    I worked part-time retail when I was studying (college-age, all adults there). One day, a woman came storming into the store and demanded one of the employees by name. When the employee came out, the woman started berating her in front of everyone else in the store for taking such a degrading job. Turned out it was her mother, whom she hadn’t informed that she was taking a part-time job, and Momma was *mad* that she’d missed out on vetting the store, the staff, the management, etc, etc. It’s been a few years but I still remember some gems like “How could you work in a low-class place like this?” and “You’re going to become stupid like all these people here!” followed by a flood of tears.

    Eventually the manager got Momma to leave. She insisted that the employee leave with her, right in the middle of the shift, and she even tried to follow the employee into the back room to make sure she changed out of the store uniform. I sometimes wonder whether the employee ever found a job that was classy enough for Momma.

      1. Stained Glass Cannon*

        My bad, I meant to say it was Momma who made the employee leave with her and did the creepy try-to-follow-into-back thing. Manager did stop Momma from going into the back room, at the cost of some “how can you keep me from my own daughter?!!” protestations. Actually thinking back, I’m impressed Manager was able to do that much. Manager herself wasn’t much older than the helicoptered employee.

  90. LSP*

    About a month after I resigned from my first professional job at a weekly newspaper, my former managing editor called me up asking if I could freelance for a while. I had been taking off a little time before moving overseas, so I had the time to do a little work, so I agreed.

    It turns out my replacement was failing terribly and wouldn’t make it through her 90-day probationary period. She made several mistakes, including, but not limited to: not showing up for her first deadline day and didn’t let the editor know (she had tickets to a show, apparently), missing her second deadline day and also not letting the editor know (she had a medical appointment), and repeatedly changing the editors revisions back to the original without even discussing it with her, just determining her way was better than someone who had been in the business since the 60’s and was excellent at her job!

    Anyway, there were obviously good grounds for firing her. After she was fired, though, both her mother and a former boss of her from a restaurant she had worked at, called up the editor to plead her case, telling the editor she had made a terrible mistake firing this woman and she was losing a great talent, etc. Really over the top!

  91. Not Australian*

    My mother arranged my first three jobs for me. I had no choice whatsoever – it was a case of “While you’re under our roof, you do as we say.” Admittedly this was while I was still at school and under 18, but I’m not the only person I know that this has happened to.

    1. Nicelutherangirl*

      When you’re a minor living under your parents’ roof, parental involvement in one’s work life is okay, at least to some extent. It’s the only way some kids get out from behind the video game console and off the couch, and start developing a work ethic. My favorite example came from a former college roomie whose dad made her and her sibs get summer jobs detasseling corn when they were in high school if they hadn’t gotten something else on their own. Dad was the president of a well known poultry producing company and had plenty of farming connections.

      1. Not Australian*

        Yes, it’s a real shame some kids want to spend their time revising for exams when they could be out working dead-end jobs.

        1. Jen2*

          Seriously? I think you’re in a tiny minority if having a part time job in high school prevented you from doing an appropriate amount of studying.

        2. J Kate*

          It’s not about the jobs themselves. It’s building work experience to show you are able to commit to something, and developing the work ethic and skills every worker needs. And kids still in high school are legally limited in how much they can work so they will have time to study, at least in the US.

          1. Colette*

            Yeah, dead end jobs help you get better jobs, if you show up reliably and do them well.

  92. evil recruiter*

    I’m a tech recruiter in an English speaking country in Europe. Helicoptering is much less of a thing here – so when it happens it’s SO much weirder.
    A few years back, I was recruiting for a whole bunch of graduate Software Dev roles for $big_corp. Basically my favorite candidate EVER was this enthusiastic adorable person called Bob.
    I was on a call with $big_corp Hiring Manager, $big_corp HM Boss, $big_corp HM Boss’s Boss. (This was very Important hiring) to do a monthly catch-up on this hiring drive and I specifically asked about Bob (I rly rly liked him)
    I was told he brought his father to the interview. I almost died on the phone. I had 0 time to prepare a reaction. I’m afraid I cry-laughed.
    Bob did not get the job. I agonised for a bit and decided to just straight up email him and tell him that the reason he didn’t get the job was that $big_corp worried about his judgement in bring Bob-Dad to the interview.
    10 MINUTES LATER BOB-DAD EMAILED ME. To tell me that it’s only natural that a parent would want to give their child the best start in life and support them. And so on. Told me that I should understand this.
    I ignored the mail. (Partly because I was wondering if I could just leave the planet to go live on the moon)
    BOB-DAD PHONED ME. He tried to convince me that Bob should get the job.

    This was all before I started reading ask a manager so I had no nice little scripts available to my brain about what to do. It was just flat out bonkers.
    Hands-down the worst I’ve ever seen. A few times, I’ve had people email me their child’s CV or try to get me to engage their child in the “getting a job” process. But nothing like the level of control Bob-Dad was going for.

    Poor Bob. I occasionally stalk him on LinkedIn. He’s currently living and working in a city a few hundred km from Bob-Dad city so hopefully the tether is cut!

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      10 MINUTES LATER BOB-DAD EMAILED ME. To tell me that it’s only natural that a parent would want to give their child the best start in life and support them.

      Funny how this guy’s idea of giving their child the best start in life was to tank his child’s job prospect by showing up to the child’s interview.

      I am not ruling out the possibility that Bob moved to wherever he currently lives to get away from Bob-Dad.

      1. Artemesia*

        We had parents show up for a PhD interview for their son; for this and many reasons I suggested we not admit him to this very competitive program; I was overruled because he had very high test scores. (he also had little interest or background in our field) He was a disaster and ended up by cheating and hacking into a faculty member’s computer. Sometimes it is obvious when someone is not a good candidate.
        It didn’t bother me when undergrads had parents show up for their freshman advising — not good, but not catastrophic. I just spoke with the kid and most parents hung back — but to be actively involved at the PhD level — just ‘no’.

        1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

          … I was pretty much required to be at freshman orientation for both of my sons (two different schools). I vaguely remember stopping by an advisor’s office during one of those. Hopefully I didn’t raise any flags! I admit I had not thought it through. Never been to the college since then though. Definitely would not have come in for their PhD interview, if any of them had one! I had access to one of my son’s college account, but that’s because their website was setup in such a ridiculous way that the only way to pay the tuition bills was through his account.

          1. Polymer Phil*

            At my college they had a special program for parents at freshman orientation, and it was deliberately intended to get the parents out of the way and let the students participate in freshman orientation unaccompanied.

  93. Look At That Pigeon Over There*

    A woman I know was being bullied by some peers at her job, a franchised operation whose details I won’t disclose. Her mother called up her daughter’s boss to complain about the way this was being handled. She did not like the boss’ response (“your daughter should handle this herself”), so she told her daughter to quit.

    Then went out and bought her daughter a franchise in the same business, so she could be the boss, so nobody could bully her.

    She also cut her daughter’s meat for her until she was in her twenties.

  94. ellisp*

    Shaming my OWN mother here – and some perspective. It’s hard to hold this against a kid until they’re old enough to have very good boundaries and in a position to tell the parent “no.”

    When I got my first summer fellowship over a decade ago, I excitedly told my parents abut my accomplishment. When I got there, I found out to my horror that my mother had called and given the institute director the absolute third degree about meal accessibility for me (I have a peanut allergy, that by that point I had managed independently at school and even internationally but she was just so traumatized by a childhood of me in and out of the hospital that she would. not. let. it. go.) while at the University. He was not pleased when I got there and asked why I couldn’t handle these things like an adult (which, of course, I had – by figuring out the local food options and asking the dining staff, not by calling my boss).

    I was obviously upset at my mom, but short of not telling her where I was working at all, which was tough because I was still living at home in the summer, she was just gonna do that stuff. She has bad boundaries. I was 19 and still depended on her for housing. Was what it was. If the kid seems capable, I try never to hold their parents against them – simply redirect and mention that I’d be happy to talk to them directly.

    1. Oliver*

      Fellow peanut allergy-haver! My mom wasn’t normally helicopter-y at all but there is something about my allergy that makes her overstep. If we’re eating together she’ll talk over me to servers or counter staff, and she sometimes gets particulars of my allergy wrong! I had to have a long conversation about this recently to really shut it down.

  95. Ella Vader*

    My boss and his wife is a helicopter parents. My boss called and got his 21 year old son a job with some company, and my boss’s wife wakes up at 5:30 am to wake the 21 year old up so as to be on time for work.

    1. Samsoo*

      Ha! I haven’t got my kids up (now adults on their own) for anything since they were in about 6th grade!

      1. Jessen*

        See my problem was my mother insisted on getting me up in the morning – when I worked second shift and didn’t get a chance to go to bed until 2am. That did not go over well.

      2. HappySharpie*

        So confession…I still live at home (in my 30’s…no debt and I help my mom out) and I’m a Director level…and sometimes….if I decide to snooze my last alarm my mom, if she happens to be up, will pop her head in and say “you going to work today? They’re not going to fire you are they?” That usually gets me going. To be fair it’s a higher education setting and I often work late beyond my 40 hours so sometimes I give myself a grace period to get in a bit later. It’s a more…manage your tasks and time wisely type of position.

      3. RoadsLady*

        I think we were in elementary school when my mom stopped waking us up. I recall a handful of times in high school where I overslept as in missing an entire class. My mom just went about her day (I was one of those fuddy duddy good kids, so I don’t think she worried too much)

      4. Ella Vader*

        These three “kids” are 21-26. If they’re all home, she has to go at lunch to make sure they eat and whatnot. If they’re too stupid to eat, let Darwinism take it’s course.

  96. LSP*

    This whole post made me realize I owe my mother for my entire career path.

    She handed me a cut out ad for a staff writer for a weekly newspaper, saying I should apply. That was my first professional job, which helped me get a connection to work in a state government office. She also knew someone who worked in different state government agency and connected me to her. Then a friend of my mother’s recommended me for my current contracting job.

    She never overstepped in the least, but I owe her SO MUCH!

    Excuse me, I need to go thank my mom!

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      Yeah, my parents helped me out and I helped out one of my kids. Guilty as charged. My dad straight up found me my first job out of college, but it was in another country and under extenuating circumstances. I built my reputation at that job completely by myself. No one I worked with there had even ever met my dad. But he did help me get my foot in the door. (I think he also secretly wanted to make sure I wouldn’t move back to my hometown and back in with them. The economy was bad in HomeCountry back then and a lot of the college grads were doing it.) With my son, I had online friends proofread his resume and a few other people I’d met on online forums put their resume in at their workplaces. He spent the first few months out of college applying to every entry-level opening in our area, but the employers we have in our field are all large corporations and he was not a good fit. Ended up getting a good offer from a startup on the opposite side of the country. He is incredibly good at what he does, so I knew they were getting a good deal. Made good use of it, they liked him, he still works with people that he knows through the network he’d built while there.

      As long as we are cognizant that not everyone who applies for their first professional jobs today can get the same breaks, and as long as we are helping people (especially the ones we are not related to) get the breaks we got, I hope we still come out on the good side!

      (Would’ve thanked my dad, but he’s no longer with us.)

    2. Silver Fig*

      Same! I was sulking over being laid off, and my mom talked me into going to a specific career fair that was very much not in my genre (it was meant for skilled tradespeople, not office drones like myself). I stuck out like a sore thumb, but one company that was hiring electricians happened to also need someone in my field.

    3. Shoes On My Cat*

      Yep, I got my first job at 14 myself but…I didn’t have a license and there was no public transportation so my mom drove me. 5 days/week, 8 hour work days around her own commute. Man, I SOOO owe her! She did it because it was an industry I wanted to be in (thought it was glamorous -heh! Heh!; and magical-true) and she thought it would be a good idea for me to experience the reality of it before I made a career of it. Well, that experience did 1) help me choose a business degree I’ve fallen back on between iterations of Ideal Career 2) gave me a leg up on others when working or even volunteering at Ideal Career because I know how to do the dirty work, it’s not a surprise that there IS dirty work and REAL LIFE CRAP, and finally, she drove home the point that boss was relying on me to show up. Every day. Unless sick/hospitalized. To this day, decades later I get boss kudos for reliability….literally that was yesterday (at current Job of over 5 years). It’s that big of a deal that my bosses give me props at least twice a year. So Mom gets another phone call :-). The next summer Dad got my brother and I a line work job at a factory where he was a high level decision maker. Nepotism worked in their favor though-supervisor was leery of hiring us, you could tell! Teens and Daddy in the same space. But by halfway through the summer she took us aside to tell us how we had been blowing the job out of the water, matching or exceeding our coworkers and how she would miss our productivity come fall. She wasn’t blowing smoke-we knew how many units we were packing versus our coworkers and she had told Dad and her boss she didn’t want us there to their faces, so it was nice to be recognized for changing her mind about us. Also though, our Dad WAS right there. If she’d known about our family chores and the level of execution required she would not have been surprised! My brother went back the following summer as he was still too young to work at a mall -I got to have that experience (& the scholarship it eventually qualified me for)

  97. Interviewer*

    I’ve told this story here before, but I used to hire staff at a large law firm. One cover letter and resume arrived from a recent grad in Political Science, applying for a position as a paralegal. The cover letter was upbeat & confident, expanding on some limited work experience during college and expressing a strong desire to work in the legal field. The candidate said he would reach out in a week to set an interview time. We only hired paralegals from certified programs, plus we didn’t have any openings at the time. Even though most resumes were emailed or candidates applied through our online system, this one came in by mail on fancy paper, so it stood out to me that day. I admired it as a lost relic of a bygone era, chuckled at the over-confidence, and filed it away.

    About a week later, as promised in the cover letter, I received a call inquiring about scheduling an interview – you guessed it, from his mom. When I told her we had no openings, she asked for career advice on getting a paralegal job – for him. She admitted she had sent out several resumes to many firms and was not hearing back. I explained about the programs for obtaining paralegal certificates, that most firms would not hire him without that, and that a good network might be useful in getting a job (not the paralegal one). Further, I added, HE needed to the one doing all of this work.

    She uttered in surprise, “Oh!” then thanked me and hung up. Like, it hadn’t occurred to her until that very moment that she couldn’t apply to jobs for her son. And it’s probably not fair, but over the years as I’ve thought about this story and shared it with other HR professionals, I always picture him sitting by the pool with his friends, drinking his dad’s beer and complaining about his mom trying to get him a job when he just wanted to chill for a while, figure things out on his own.

    1. Jennifer*

      Lol! The fact that it arrived in the mail would have told me immediately a parent did it or a kid getting bad advice from a parent did it.

  98. Health Insurance Nerd*

    As the parent of two “adult” children (19 and 21) the hardest thing I’ve had to do is send them out into the world, which is a scary, scary place. There have been times when I’ve had to fight the urge to step in and solve a problem that was theirs to solve, or try to control a situation that was not mine to control. I’ve wanted to shield them from heartache and challenge, and put myself between them and people who I felt were treating them unfairly. There have absolutely been times when I’ve done too much for them, and made their lives too easy. On one hand I absolutely understand wanting to be a “helicopter” or (the newly coined) “snowplow” parent, because the thought of my kids struggling keeps me up at night, but I’ve also worked really hard to step back, and let them fail, let them get hurt, let them figure things out on their own, because in the end that is what will make them functional adults. I know these stories are meant to be entertaining, I get that, but there are a lot of folks vilifying the parents, and we’re all really just trying to do our best for our kids, and some of us definitely fall short in that area, despite our best efforts.

    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      I understand what you’re saying, and I don’t want to pile on you, but I want to ask you a question about one of your assumptions.

      Why do you think the world is a scary, scary place?

      2. Health Insurance Nerd*

        Um, because I read the newspaper? And I live in it? Near constant mass shootings, the opioid epidemic, our current political administration, the government trying to take away women’s bodily autonomy, climate change, men who rape women and get away with it, White Supremacy… I mean, the list goes on.

        Saying that the world is a scary, scary place was not by any means an assumption on my part, from my perspective, it’s a fact.

        1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

          But it’s objectively less scary than when you grew up. Crime way down, no Cold War, longer life spans.

        2. Troutwaxer*

          Here’s the problem. You’re confusing news reporting of the “if it bleeds, it leads” variety with the actual statistical incidence of the things which concern you. To really understand your chances of dying by _______, start with the idea that there are about 2,500,000 deaths in the U.S. every year, (against an existing population of around 300,000,000 million.) Then ask yourself how many deaths happen every year from the issues that concern you. For example, Mass Shootings typically involve a couple-hundred people every year.

          2,500,000 divided by 200 is 12,500. So you have a 1/12,500 chance of dying in a mass shooting (if you die this year) – so that’s highly unlikely. For contrast, note that your chances of dying in a car accident are far higher – we’ll lose around 45,000 people in car accidents this year, and 2,500,000 divided by 45,000 is 55.5. So your chances of dying in a car accident are 1/55 (if you’re one of the 2,500,000 people who die this year.) In short, you’re 227 times more likely to die in a car accident than in a mass shooting!

          For further perspective, note that the incidence of people dying because they took the wrong over-the-counter pain reliever is around 7,500 people/year. I’ve never actually heard of anyone dying that way… but according to the statistics, death by wrong-over-the-counter-pain-reliever is about 35 times as big a crisis as mass shootings.

          The biggest numbers of deaths are what you’d expect; heart disease, cancer, etc. Your worries are almost astronomically unlikely.

          I do confess to being very worried about Global Warming, however, That’s a hard one, but it doesn’t affect your child’s short-term chances. It’s also something you can do considerable work on by moving off of fossil fuels and making sure your home is either solar or at least well-insulated.

          1. Health Insurance Nerd*

            I’m not confusing anything with anything, and I don’t need you to explain the statistical possibility of myself or someone I know dying in a shooting, being eaten by a shark, being struck by lightening, etc.. Your comment is totally dismissive, unhelpful, and unappreciated- my opinion that the world is a scary place is subjective, I get that. If it’s not a scary place to you, congratulations.

            1. Troutwaxer*

              I’m not trying to dismiss your concerns or talk down to you. I’m suggesting that you change your methods of evaluating risk and providing examples, because it sound to me like you spend a lot of time being afraid and that has to be unpleasant. But I’ll leave it alone if you’d like.

              1. Doris*

                A recent metanalysis I read of sexual assault prevalence rates gave a figure of 18% globally for girls under eighteen, so I don’t think the concern around sexual violence is overexaggerated. Most of the other examples Health Insurance Nerd gave: “the opioid epidemic, our current political administration, the government trying to take away women’s bodily autonomy, climate change [high-level of consensus among climate scientists] men who rape women and get away with it [read up on conviction rates; they’re appalling] White Supremacy” are relatively common or have a high likelihood of occurring too, depending on how you define each of these things.

                I get that there are a lot of moral panics and misplaced or exaggerated fears around crime, especially when it comes to severe, violent crimes like shootings, mass murder, and terrorism, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other crimes where the statistical likelihood of experiencing them is relatively high. Not to mention that not all Health Insurance Nerd’s examples were about crime.

                I also think whether the world is a scary place is, in large part, based on the experiences you’ve had. If you grew up reasonably well-off, didn’t face a high-level of adverse childhood experiences, had decent enough parents, and lived in a safe neighbourhood, then it makes sense that you’d see the world as safe.

                1. Long weekend*

                  As a parent of a not yet tween girl, I feel the book The Handmaid’s Tale at the time was cautionary, dystopian SF. Right now the TV series feels like some countries are treating it as a how-to manual.

          4. PersephoneUnderground*

            To be fair, the world looks a whole lot less scary when you’re only worried about yourself or your family of origin (in my case we can all take care of ourselves just fine). When you have a child you’re totally responsible for a nearly helpless little creature who you love irrationally- so the same world can suddenly look a lot more scary contemplating it that way. Basically the emotional risk of something happening to your kid is way higher than something happening to you. I’m paraphrasing my mother here on how she felt when we were babies. I’ve even felt that way about my husband, because there’s a whole different emotional thing around what if something happened to him than I’d felt before we were together. Like a piece of me would be ripped out if he didn’t come home one night. I’m not crazy about it but I’ve noticed the change in how I react to, say, TV shows where half a couple is murdered. It hits close to home. Also- of course the world is scary. It’s also awesome, and messy, and beautiful, but let’s not assume someone pointing out the understandable perspective of really noticing the scary part when it applies to someone you love is being alarmist. They’re describing an emotion, not saying they personally don’t get on planes etc.

      3. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

        I don’t deny that it is, but… like… one of the reasons we send our kids into the world is so that they can make it a *better*, less scary place. (Mine are 23 and 26.)

        1. Health Insurance Nerd*

          Right, and I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m doing. Pointing out my fear of sending my kids out into a crappy world doesn’t mean I currently have them chained up in the basement- I can be fearful of the world my kids have to live in, while also sending them out there, the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

    2. lawschoolmorelikeblawschool*

      I think people disparage the parents (in so far as omg, what a silly thing to do is disparaging) is because even though these parents are surely doing what they think is right, it is WRONG and hurting their children. Hopefully you can read some of these stories and find a middle ground where you support your children without controlling their lives or hindering their prospects.

    3. Turtlewings*

      I feel like there are two kinds of helicopter parents — (1) ones that are just worried about what could happen to their babies and want to protect them, and (2) ones that have no concept of their child as a separate person from themselves. Type #1 can certainly be a problem, but it’s Type #2 that’s a serious danger to their child’s physical and psychological well-being. Type #2 are the sort that see no contradiction in rabidly defending their child from others while beating the tar out of them themselves, because the child isn’t really a person, just an extension of the parent.

      1. Jessen*

        I love you so much for this distinction. So very, very much. Permission to reuse?

        I have a type #2 mother (thankfully it doesn’t show up in work as much) and it is very, very hard to explain to people who are thinking of type #1.

          1. Jessen*

            I’m having reasonably good luck with gray rock method right now. I’m still living in the same area, but I’m not at this point financially dependent in any way. And I’m in the DC commuter region, so it’s not the sort of area where she could easily interfere with opportunities. So it’s mostly a matter of managing to be super busy all the time while feeding her just enough information about nothing at all to keep her from calling the police.

            Right now she’s on a diet of mostly cute cat stories mixed with commentary on the weather and the current state of road construction, plus some mysterious recurring GI issues that just happen to crop up whenever I really need to get away!

        2. Beth*

          Another layer of complication, I think, is that the Type 2 parents think they’re Type 1.

          We could also add the concept of different reactions by the kids being raised this way: Type 1, who want to become functioning adults with boundaries, and are likely to be humiliated and/or enraged; Type 2, who are perfectly willing to coast along and let the parents do the work; and Type 3, who are just too damned worn down to push back. Type 1 kids at least have a chance of escaping to normality, although they may have to do the move-across-the-country routine that’s been mentioned several times.

          Based on this comment thread, I am wondering if Type 2 kids are more likely to be boys. But that’s a very limited sample.

          1. Jessen*

            I think it’s hard to tell the difference between type 2 and type 3 from the outside though. Especially when you add in a skewed sense of normal. I’m pretty sure when I was 18 I was dead convinced that the only possible route for young women who left home without permission was drug-addicted street prostitute. And home wasn’t that bad in comparison.

          2. Anax*

            My guess is that because boys are seen as less vulnerable, they’re less likely to be kept away from activities like dating, renting apartments, driving, and parties. They may not have much independence or many practical skills, but they’re less likely to be kept away from the fun stuff “for their own good.”

            I think helicoptered and abused kids are a lot more likely to strive for independence if they’re told they’re not allowed to do fun, important, social things that they REALLY WANT – and because of gendered risk assessment, that’s more likely to happen to girls.

            It’s easier to accept dependence when it just means Mom and Dad take care of the messy, boring, unpleasant parts of adulthood like laundry and taxes, especially as a teen and young adult. Who wouldn’t want a magical dishes fairy to just… invisibly handle it all?

            That dichotomy definitely played out in my family. Mom was okay with my brother taking risks which she would never have allowed for me (an AFAB trans man) – “risks” like sleepovers with friends, driving, and staying out after 9pm to play board games.

            He got complacent, and I got angry.

          3. Tinker*

            Seems like one might call those three categories for the kids “fight”, “fawn”, and “freeze”, respectively.

          4. Tinker*

            I think also “type 2” relationships are more noticeable if they’re boys — you look at JustNoMIL and DWIL, which are admittedly skewed to a certain population but still, and there are a lot of men described on there with passive/placating responses to their overinvolved parents… and those forums also both tend to have a lot of… colorfully gendered language… to describe that situation.

            I also have done a lot of the passive/placating thing in my day, but when I was younger I was explicitly supposed to not (reflecting some of that colorfully gendered language per above) “be a man who was capable of pleasing women” — whoopsie! — so it wouldn’t surprise me if it wasn’t a memorable outrage when I actually wasn’t.

      2. Tinker*

        Ehh, I don’t know — I think it’s entirely possible for type 1 to also pose significant and in some cases serious danger to their child. A person can do a lot of things under the banner of “I don’t care if it upsets you, I care about saving your life”, especially if they have a skewed impression of how threatening something is or how not-threatening their behavior is.

        If you’re familiar with that post on this site where the person with a phobia of birds saw a bird, shoved a coworker away, and she was hit by a car and broke her arm…? Where from the coworker’s perspective, something that she wouldn’t necessarily notice and would generally consider benign happened, and then suddenly she was shoved under a car?

        Consider living long-term with a person in your life who reacts like that — probably with less or no actual car-shoving (however with social/emotional reactions that activate similar threat-response circuitry), but also who isn’t phobic consistently and predictably to birds but rather unpredictably to a shifting variety of things that are as ordinary and commonly encountered AS birds.

        It’s… not great.

        I do think folks in that situation mean well and deserve kind treatment from someone — but the consequences to the target can also be decidedly non-benign.

        1. Jessen*

          Yeah, I’ve seen that (in my experience, which is biased by where I grew up) especially in certain of the ultra-conservative religious families. They may have meant well, but the outside world was a dangerous place! Or, quite commonly, just a dangerous place for women – those types tended frequently to assume any male not of their group was a rapist in waiting. But the end result was keeping those poor kids at home and highly sheltered to protect them from the evils of the outside world, which could only be done as long as they stayed under mommy and daddy’s protection.

    4. Gumby*

      My mom was always of the opinion that it is far far better for kids to experience problems (fail at something, not get something they really wanted, etc.) early in life while the stakes are low so that they know how to deal with it later in life. If you coach a kid through dealing with a teacher treating him unfairly where a grade is the only thing on the line, then he is better prepared to handle a boss treating him unfairly where his livelihood might be on the line. This is why she never said boo to my high school calculus teacher who thought I only got into the class because she was a math teacher at the same high school. It’s why she talked my niece through ways to handle a history teacher who made sexist “jokes.” It’s why she’s hoping my nephew moves up a level in his sport and has a season where he doesn’t win any of the competitions.

    5. Grapey*

      From what you’ve written it sounds like you’ve owned your emotions and made them your problem and not your kids’, so kudos! You’re not the type of parent we’re vilifying.

      But one’s best doesn’t always mean good enough. Even just saying that still makes it all about you and not about your kids.

    6. Serin*

      Not all parents are trying to do their best for their kids; some are thinking only of themselves. And if a parent who does these things *thinks* they’re the best for his/her kids, maybe they can read these stories and see that they are, in fact, not helping but harming.

    7. min*

      I’m confused as to why you refer to your children as “adults” rather than the adults they are.

  99. John R.*

    I work in a grad school admissions office. A student submitted an application on a Friday (after our deadline but before we had technically closed our application because we have a grace period for people with technical issues). That Monday, the applicant’s mother called pretending to be a professor from a prestigious university demanding to know why their “protege” had not yet received his acceptance. I asked for the “professor”‘s name and she refused to give it. When I asked as to why the caller ID had the same name last name as the applicant, she said that she was calling from the applicant’s cell phone instead of her office line. When I asked to speak to the applicant, because one would assume that if the professor was calling from his phone, the applicant would also be there, the professor said that they were in class. I asked for the department the professor worked in because 1. the student never listed that they went or had any relation to the university the mother claimed to work at, 2. if you were the protege of a professor at an Ivy league school you would likely have asked them to be one of your recommenders and 3. they were being very aggressive and rude and she told me to go to hell. I looked in to the application of the student out of curiosity and found out first off that the cell phone was the applicant’s mother’s and secondly, both of their recommendations seemed to be shady at best. These references probably would have flown under the radar and the student would have likely gotten in on fraudulent credentials if the mother hadn’t made this grave misstep and blew up the whole racket.

    1. QueenB*

      So you prevented him from going then? It’s kinda amazing how so many people commit actual fraud tbh

  100. EE*

    I was a part time support staff member at a freshmen college dorm. I had a parent once ask me to bake a cake for her daughter’s birthday. I told her that I was unable to do that (there were 390 students and my programming budget for the school year was only $250!) – but I let her know that the RAs (resident assistants) do make birthday signs for all the students. She was not pleased.

    I think this stems from parents wanting to protect their child from any negative feelings – E.g. feeling unacknowledged or sad on their birthday. However, having and processing negative feelings (especially sad feelings that result from realizing the world doesn’t revolve around you) is crucial for growing up into a mature adult.

    1. Samsoo*

      My birthday is next week and I was a bit panicked when I realized it was a work day. Then I realized I am scheduled to work from home that day so Crisis Averted. I DO NOT like people to make a fuss about my birthday, especially at work!

      1. SleepyTimeTay*

        OMG! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t like the usual birthday attention!! I either take the day off or work from home.

        1. Utoh!*

          Me three! And mine falls around a holiday so I get extra time off built right in! Happy Birthday to ME!

      2. Luna*

        I just got my vacation request granted that gives me time-off for my and my mother’s birthday (since they are a few days apart). Not sure how work does birthdays, but my reasons were that I needed to submit my vacation requests for this year, and I wanted to ensure I had the day off at least for my mom’s birthday, so I can bake her a cake. Which is something that hasn’t been done for her in years, and I know she’ll enjoy it.

      3. datamuse*

        We used to do departmental birthday celebrations at my work and I managed to get myself off the list. I prefer to celebrate on my own time.

    2. 1234*

      LOL If the parent is so worried about the cake, she can order one and have it delivered to the kid’s dorm. Or bake one and deliver it herself.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      …there are plenty of people who you can call and have bake your kid a cake. They are called “bakers”, and many of them work in places called “bakeries”. Seems like she could probably have called one of them and gotten them to make a cake for her kid pretty easily, and I can’t see why she’d think the dorm would be the place to go for that. (Admittedly, I’ve never tried to order a cake over the phone, but it seems like a very possible thing to make happen. I’m sure any place that usually deals with wedding cakes and the attendant level of cake drama entailed would be perfectly willing to deal with a birthday cake order from a parent.)

      1. EE*

        I know, right! Have a cake delivered, have flowers delivered, mail the kid a present. But don’t ask staff members to “mother” her.

  101. Recovering Helicopter Parent*

    Confession: I have in the past submitted online applications for my adult children. Always with their blessing. But… I finally realized that the jobs they stuck with were the ones they had actually taken the time to get themselves without my intervention. I was doing them no favors by “helping” just because I have the time.

    I do still review their resumes if they ask. And also for their friends. (I am quite good at resume writing and it has helped a lot of people.) But they have to ask and they have to put in the effort to give me the information I need.

    1. WellRed*

      “I have in the past submitted online applications for my adult children.”

      But…why?

    2. triplehiccup*

      Great example of why helicoptering doesn’t really pan out and how to walk it back to a generous but reasonable level of support

  102. Zoe*

    One time my Mom called up a department who I excitedly told her was going to interview me… to demand that they interview her as well! We were both looking for work; she had just taken her MCSE, and so was way more qualified than me to do some of the job duties…

    I call this ‘attack helicopter parenting.’

    2. Southern Yankee*

      Wow, no kidding. Sorry that happened.
      On the other hand, I had a new hire that was performing really well and then found out another applicant that didn’t interview so well was recent hire’s mother. Didn’t hire mother, but mother continued to apply for every opening for years (without success). A few years in, mother is at our office, sitting at employee’s desk for some reason or another (waiting for a ride, maybe?), and is completely obnoxious. I am asking employee a time sensitive work question while mom sits about two inches from employee while talking loudly on her cell phone until employee has to tell her mother to be quiet in total frustration. Sure, Mom, we’re going to hire your rude clueless ass.

    4. LITJess*

      OMG, I’m so sorry. Usually with helicopter parents I’m not picturing a Blackhawk.

  103. irene adler*

    Back in the Korean War, my college-aged Dad had been a Navy reserve. His unit was called up. Eventually he was assigned to USS BOXER. His mother was very worried about him being so far away from home.

    Naturally, Dad and his parents corresponded by mail. As my Dad was quite busy, his correspondence rate dwindled. Displeased with his lack of response to her many letters, his mom took action. She wrote directly to the captain of the USS BOXER. Not to find out if her “baby” was okay. No. She requested that he order my Dad to write home more often.

    And the captain did just that.

    I don’t know if he talked to my Dad directly. I’m thinking that, given my Dad was a low-ranking petty officer (a “twidget” -one of the guys that repaired the aircraft radios), this order went through the chain of command.

    Either way, Dad was mortified.

    But he wrote home.
    A lot.

    I have the letters. His mother saved them.

    2. Samsoo*

      There are a lot of those stories around the military, especially before email and texting. No one wanted their mom to call their commander! Ever!

    3. London Calling*

      My father ran away to sea at the beginning of WW2 – he was a teenager, he lived in Sunderland, it was that or the mines and my grandfather was determined that his sons weren’t going down the pit. My grandmother went after the Merchant Navy (couldn’t blame her, he was on a convoy and merchant ships were dodging U-Boats) and got him back, whereupon dad ran way again. Nan went to the police again, who gently suggested that a) her son clearly wanted to go to sea and b) with a war on they had bigger concerns than one errant fourteen year old.

    4. zolk*

      I would’ve just sent a blank sheet each month that said “I’m busy. With a WAR.”

  104. Lily in NYC*

    Oooh, we had a new hire who was fresh out of grad school. On her first day, I was sitting in a conference room going over some orientation materials when the dept. admin came in and said new hire had an emergency phone call. It was her mom, and it was not an emergency. She was just mad because she told her daughter to call her on her first day to let her know how it was going and she hadn’t called yet. She demanded the admin go get her out of the meeting. To be honest, the daughter was just as bad as the mom (she was not remotely embarrassed by what her mom did). She skipped another training meeting with me on her 2nd day because she decided to take a lunch break instead because she “had to make a phone call” (probably her mom). I was pissed but I let it go (and told her boss).
    Later that day, she emailed our Marketing EVP to tell her that our website sucked and that she could give her some tips on improving it if she wanted them (our website did not suck and our marketing EVP was an award-winning designer). On her third day, our boss met with her to try to explain office norms and why it’s not great to blow off meetings and she quit and said we just didn’t understand how lucky we were to have hired her and that we didn’t deserve her.

    2. Ms. Taylor Sailor*

      I concur, bullet dodged for sure. There’s understanding office norms…and then there’s this woman who doesn’t even understand basic manners (like telling anyone, much less your employer, that their website sucks and playing hooky on a required training and meetings).

    3. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

      “…and that we didn’t deserve her.”

      No, no you didn’t. No office deserves an employee like that.

  105. Friyay*

    I work at a university as an academic advisor… there are many stories. But one I just don’t have a good explanation form is this one: at orientation (this is during the summer, maybe June or July, and then they’d move in as freshmen in August separately) after we help students register for classes, we suggest they go get their campus ID card, and I’d say “make sure to take off your nametag so it’s not in your picture, you’ll need your driver’s license, it’s at this building, etc.” The number of students who would say “oh, I’ll have to go find my mom/dad/whoever, they have my driver’s license” WAS ASTOUNDING. Why isn’t it in your wallet? What good does it do you for someone else to have it?? It just made no sense.

    And also: I had a parent call me a year after a student had graduated to say “My kid is still living in the basement and has no job. Don’t you have a job board or something? What can the university do to help him?” Yep.. we have an entire career services office…. with people you can talk to… and an online system where people post jobs specifically looking for our students.. all of which we send many emails, fliers, etc. about. *shrug* you can lead a horse to water, but…

    1. cactus lady*

      Once, years ago, when I managed a residency program, one of the new first year residents showed up from a different state with no form of ID. NONE. No driver’s license, no passport, nothing. Residents are employees and we couldn’t officially have him on board without his I9 paperwork, and it was a big deal because he had to make up those days of training. I think he ended up having his dad mail his drivers license and birth certificate.

      This guy had gone through college and an MD/PhD program.

    2. Veryanon*

      OMG this hits home. I took my son to his freshman orientation last summer. I asked him multiple times if he had everything he needed before we left, including his wallet *with his drivers license* so that he could get his ID card while we were there. We drove 2 hours to the college and as we’re going through the day (separate tracks for the kids and the parents), he tracks me down and tells me “Oh by the way, I forgot my drivers license so I won’t be able to get my ID card today.” I wish I could say that I was calm about this, but sadly, no. I pretty much lost my s**t and told him that it was on him to figure out how to solve this problem, as I was bloody well not taking off another day of work just to drive his sorry butt back to college. He figured it out.

      1. Anon for this*

        Yikes, I don’t blame you for being impatient after you nailed him over the head about remembering it. And I don’t want to assume anything, but he sounded really cavalier about it and like he assumed you’d be fine with it. He should have at least been apologetic, especially if he was expecting you to drive him back.

    3. Anon for this*

      Omg, this drives me nuts and isn’t remotely unusual unfortunately. I don’t ever want to dictate something as minor as what people carry around with them, but it’s crazy to me how many people don’t have their license or any form of ID on them, even when they’re carrying a purse or backpack.

      At my last job (at a university’s Public Safety office), we offered fingerprinting services exclusively to university affiliates. I couldn’t fathom how many people didn’t have their student IDs and/or licenses with them when they’d come, which we clearly state on our website are required to be brought in so we can verify their identity and affiliation with the school (and I know for a fact that some of these people looked at the website beforehand because they’d call us ahead of time and refer to reading the fingerprinting section of our website). A lot of them would then act incredulous that I couldn’t look up there ID for them or didn’t take their word for it. (I was merely working the front desk and couldn’t access a lot of confidential information. I did eventually get that capability, but I don’t get why they automatically assumed I could do that.) Several of them also would just admit that they lost their IDs entirely and weren’t in a rush to replace them. Like I said, their life, their choices, but just bizarre to me.

  106. SuspectedDragon*

    This is pretty mild, but I was working a job fair yesterday and there were MULTIPLE moms practically dragging their older teenagers around. One of them stopped at my table, and I tried my best to engage the son in conversation but he pretty much just stood there while mom prattled on and on about the type of work he was looking for. Somehow I doubt he got a job yesterday…

  107. Administrative Manager*

    Oh, this is timely! I’m currently in intern on-board season at my job, and every year, I get at least one parent who e-mails me asking for an application for their kid (our applications are on our website; if your kid can’t find it on our website, or e-mail herself, I’m marking that down against them.)

    I also get those same parents e-mailing me their kid’s completed application — including the required supplemental questions of ‘Why do you want to work here?’ ‘What interests you the most about what we do?’ and I’m never sure whether the kid did it herself or had help.

    Earlier this year, we had a parent reach out on behalf of his son to our CEO asking our CEO to ‘make a call’ to a MAJOR employer in our area to get his son an internship. His e-mail said, ‘Junior doesn’t have the skills they need, and he’s not necessarily interested in doing that kind of work, but he needs to know what’s out there, so it’s going to take some companies giving him a chance even if there’s nothing in it for them.’

    My boss, who’s often too nice for his own good, made the ask. The CEO of the major employer wrote back and said, ‘I don’t deal with students who won’t talk to me themselves. I don’t have time for this level of hand-holding.’

    I took more than a little pleasure in relaying that message back to Meddling Dad.

  108. That Girl From Quinn's House*

    We had a mom call and inquire about a lifeguard class for her 15 year old son. This was normal procedure, as we didn’t allow minors to sign themselves up for classes due to all of the parent permission waivers required (three, I believe…no permission slips, no class.)

    So my boss fields the call and gives the spiel: the class is X hours over Y days, yada yada, and we require participants to be 16 by the end of class, will he be?

    At this point the mom *loses* it and starts interrogating my boss. Why is the class so long? Why is it so many days? Why does my child have to be 16? What kind of scam are you pulling? Why is part of the class online? Well when I was a lifeguard, the class was only X days AND none of it was online. I think you’re lying. And I called City Pool and they said their class was fewer hours and you only had to be 15, I don’t understand why YOURS is DIFFERENT, that is HIGHLY UNUSUAL.

    15 minutes my boss goes round and round with her, until she says finally, well if you like the program at City Pool you’re more than welcome to sign up there. But here, our class is X hours over Y days for participants who are 16 and there’s nothing else I can do for you. Thank you.

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        Blended learning entered the lifeguard curriculum (across all agencies offering safety trainings) with the 2010-2011 guidelines revision.

        The online training got a *ton* of weird pushback from people who’d taken earlier classroom versions. In some cases I understood it, because it was buggy or they didn’t have reliable access to internet at home, but in other cases it was “back in my day/uphill in the snow both ways!!” nonsense.

  109. Shiny*

    This is school, not work, but it was MY work, so I’ll share. I was teaching an upper-level summer course at a state university with about 30 students and had a TA. The students had regular, low-stakes writing assignments that the TA graded unless there was a question or an issue. A rising junior came to me and thought her grades on these assignments were unfairly low, so I reviewed and met with her to tell her that I agreed with my TA’s assessment and discussed strategies for deepening her engagement with the work.

    We met the next week, and she brought a letter from her mother, who taught 8th grade English, which is not at all relevant when teaching sociology to college students. I refused to read the letter (though I was dying to), and told her kindly but firmly that having her parents intervene on her behalf wasn’t appropriate and she shouldn’t do so at school, but especially not at work. She then yelled at me that I’d better not hold it against her and I was so unfair and flounced off.

    I really wish I knew what her mom had had to say, but it would have weakened my point, so I’ll live with that mystery forever.

    1. 1234*

      I would have taken the letter, set it aside and then read it when the girl left the meeting. But that’s just me…

    2. Environmental Compliance*

      I was a TA for a freshmen level chemistry course at a large public university. I have a few stories from parents, and a lot more stories at pre(something) students.

      One student, who was decent, but not superb – would make what I would call attention-lacking mistakes, like marking down a base as an acid, though the next exam question would show that they did know what an acid was – did worse than usual on a lab. As in, normally got a B, this time, low C. Big mistakes made on the report. Their mother called me *on my personal cell phone* and demanded to know why her child got a C and how dare I she’s gonna get me FIRED and will yank ALL MY DEGREES. Oooooookay then. Yeah, sorry, see, your kid’s over 18, and due to privacy laws, I can’t discuss grades with anyone but the student *unless* they have filed it properly in writing with the academic office. The student is also more than welcome to set up an appointment with me if they don’t want to discuss this during office hours (which were daily). Momma called the department head, who laughed her off the phone, and then told her that if she kept calling any of the TAs to harass them (this was after many phone calls), the university would consider pressing charges. The student? Ended up in my office hours the next day very close to crying from embarrassment. We had a nice discussion over how to improve study habits, some resources to deal with Momma, and they ended up passing the class with a high B.

  110. Temi*

    One guy came in hungover – worked in the kitchen of an old age home. He lost his temper over being sprayed with potato juice from the peeler and walked off.

    I guess he got no sympathy at home. His father called and told him he was sending him back to finish his shift. The dude returned but told us he was in his car cooling off and never left the parking lot.

    We fired him the next day. It was just a part-time job and he was a teen. But still.

    1. Jen2*

      That sounds like good parenting! The dad did as much as he could to get his son to behave responsibly, without crossing the line by actually interacting with the workplace himself.

  111. Public Sector Manager*

    There was the helicopter spouse. Before I promoted at my current job, a coworker (about 55 years old) asked for time off during our busiest period of the year where it is all hands on deck so he could race his classic car. Supervisor said no. Then the coworker’s wife called the supervisor and berated the supervisor for 20 minutes about not letting her husband get time off. Spins into a bad supervisor story because after the 20 minutes, the coworker was granted the time off. Sigh.

    During my undergraduate days (this was 1991), I was in an upper division history class focused on WWII. We had one lecture where the professor discussed that in our research, we would run into Holocaust deniers. The professor spent about 15 minutes discussing the lies Holocaust deniers would come up with, and what the true facts were. At that time I had no idea there was such a thing as a Holocaust denier, so this class really opened my eyes. But parents of two different students in the class called the Dean to complain and the university made the professor apologize to the class for teaching us how to debunk people who claimed the Holocaust wasn’t real. WTF?!?

    1. Dust Bunny*

      My high school biology teacher, bless her, when we got to the part on evolution, made it abundantly clear that she had better not get any complaints from our parents. She could not force us to “believe in” evolution but it was on the test and we’d better understand it and not give her any smart-aleck subversive answers. (Not an issue with my parents, but you never know. As far as I know, she didn’t get any complaints.)

  112. Middle Manager*

    I’m on the other side of it, I’ve got one employee who is a helicopter parent. She constantly requests time off to “help” her 30 something year old son register for college classes or go to job interviews or go to medical appointments. He is able to drive, has a car, and doesn’t have any disabilities that would possibly need this.

    If it’s her personal time, whatever, she gets to choose how to use it, even if I feel terrible for her handicapping her son this way. But I have had to explain to her that she can’t use sick time for the doctor’s appointments because our policy only let’s you use sick time for spouses, parents, and minor children.

  113. Sansa*

    I grew up in a hilly, rural area with plenty of snow. During the winter, my parents would occasionally drive me to work at retreat center on weekends.

    I also had a parent accompany me to an interview during college on my first major road trip (~600 miles of driving). However, I drove myself to the interview and interview dinner and the parent stayed out of site. We informed the company that the parent was traveling with me, and I still got the job. It seems like that would have been pushing it to some of these commentators. I think there’s a major difference between parents assisting when their child is still dependent versus when their child really should be able to handle these things on their own.

    1. 1234*

      Your situations are perfectly normal in terms of parental help especially since you mentioned that your parents stayed out of sight!

    2. J Kate*

      I feel like if it’s something one might normally have a room mate, partner, or friend do then it’s okay for a parent to do do for younger/new employees. Like company on a 600 mile road trip since no one wants to do that alone, or dropping someone off in a busy area of town (and staying out of sight) so it’s basically a free taxi.

      1. Anax*

        I think it’s also important whether it’s an actual job function a parent is helping with. If the 600-mile road trip involved interviewing for a long-haul trucker job… I think it would be reasonable to have some concerns!

        Most jobs are involve reading directions, presenting oneself professionally, and communicating – so those are key components at almost all jobs. But, say… I wouldn’t have any qualms about a dyslexic applicant having their parent proofread their application before submitting it, so long as the substance was their own.

    3. Observer*

      Nah, this makes sense. Being doctrinaire about stuff is not sensible. Understanding the exceptions to pretty much any rule is a REALLY useful life skill.

  114. DAH*

    New employee (master’s degree) and comes in for New Hire Orientation. Mom shows up with them and stays for the benefits orientation so she can pick out employee’s benefit plan.

  115. BelleMorte*

    A caution for those giving more leeway to parents of adults with disabilities…

    I had made plans for a specific program in a different city and had a very specific and exclusive grant which would cover tuition, housing, living expenses travel, basically a full-ride.

    My lovely narcissistic mother decided that she wanted the money for housing/travel so it would be better if I stayed at home so the money would go to her instead (she didn’t realize it was only valid for certain areas/programs, why would she? She never actually talked to me about it).

    So without discussing it with me, she called the university, walked back my acceptance, citing my disability (I’m deaf) and how I wasn’t capable of handling it, and THEN contacted the grant organization and did the same thing, and told them I wasn’t actually accepted to the University as I said. My grant was rescinded completely, my university acceptance was cancelled.

    I couldn’t get my university acceptance back as I only found out months later when I received an official letter stating that my withdrawal or whatever it’s called was processed after I questioned not receiving materials for the coming term. I did get part of my grant back after I threatened going to the media over this, but only tuition. I ended up going to a local university in an entirely different and much less exclusive program, 30 years later I still haven’t forgiven my mother for pulling that trick.

    1. Troutwaxer*

      The words that came to mind were “attack helicopter parenting.” I am so sorry this happened to you!

      1. Friyay*

        As someone who actually works at a university, I’m astounded they processed the withdrawal based on your mom’s request. That’s insane and I’m sure violates laws (maybe not FERPA? but something??) – kudos for threatening to go to the media. They should have made you whole on taht.

        1. BelleMorte*

          I was absolutely shocked, but I was young, and hadn’t quite shined up my spine to the sparkling steel it is now when it came to things like that. I didn’t know what to do or who to go to to fix it. My mother is also a master manipulator when it came to my disability she knew what buttons to push with people to get them to do what she wanted.

          With the university if I had known then what I knew now, I would have fought it a lot harder. I think the only reason that I got my grant partially back was because my caseworker (who wasn’t involved in the conversation with my mother) was advising me a bit on the side (at the risk of her job) how to get things moving again, which I will forever be grateful for as I never would have been able to afford university otherwise.

    3. Observer*

      I think that the people who are giving more leeway to parents of children with disabilities mean it in the sense that in many cases there really ARE things that it’s not reasonable to expect. Like if your University had insisted on a phone conversation and you didn’t have a TTY machine, it would be ok for your mother to be on the phone and ask you questions, even though it would otherwise be totally inappropriate.

      But what your mother did? Others call it “attack helicoptering”. I call it abuse.

    4. Slow Gin Lizz*

      I’m so sorry, BelleMorte. This is the worst story. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive your mother and I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you didn’t either.

  116. stop_eject*

    I worked at a custom publishing house for colleges and universities. I was working on a project for a PhD candidate and when I told her the cost of the books for her project, she brought her mom to our office who proceeded to yell that the cost was too much and how dare I take advantage of her daughter, and that she has contacts in our industry in town and could make things bad for me.

    I waited the ten minutes for her rant to end while the daughter just stood behind her. Once she was finished I got to tell her that the cost was for the entire project, not just one copy. She folded up her piece of paper full of talking points and held out her hand for me to shake and became sickly sweet for another five minutes until they finally left and my colleagues just stared in silence at what we’d all just witnessed.

    The candidate brought me homemade baked goods just before Christmas the following year.

  117. Anonymeece*

    A coworker of mine was hiring for a P/T position, and a candidate came through who was so-so. Coworker was desperate, though, and was considering the candidate. Candidate’s mom worked in the same office as us and called my coworker to ask if she had gotten the application, had she interviewed, she was wonderful and why wouldn’t coworker hire her?

    That alone pushed her into the “no” category.

    I wonder if these helicopter parents know how much they’re hurting their own children’s chances?

  118. Miss Canuck*

    I’m a Canadian teacher, and like many of us, I went abroad for my first job.

    I worked for an agency in England, and in August they had an orientation. Another teacher – a professional with two university degrees – brought her mother to the orientation. It was weird for all of us. Sure, have mom come over to get you settled if you need to, but ask her to wait at the hotel or a coffee shop while you’re doing professional orientation…

  119. KOK*

    My one and only time I was ‘that’ parent. Had a weekday off and was puttering around the house with the TV on. The normal programming was not on as there had been a huge fire at a nightclub with over a 100 fatalities. Oldest did not live at home and I knew that, on occasion, she would go out with friends so I panicked. I didn’t blow up her cell per say, but it did take her a few hours to get back to me. She was annoyed to say the least but as she is a parent of a child around the same age as she was, I think she understands now.

    2. Honoria Glossop*

      Gosh, I thought for a second that you were my mother! She is generally very nice and level-headed and not at all helicopter-y, but one of the weirdest things she ever did was call me up my second year of college at 6:30 in the morning (which of course might as well have been the middle of the night to me) because a nightclub catering to a much older crowd in a city 30 miles from my suburban school burned down and she was worried about me. My geeky ass has never set foot in a club, so I have no idea why she thought I might be there other than an attack of acute paranoia.

  120. Seifer*

    Oh man. My mom is definitely a helicopter parent, before it was common to be. I think my brother and I were on the tail end of latchkey kids, but if my mother could’ve put us in human size hamster balls and sent us off to school, she would’ve. When I started working, I worked at my aunt’s nail salon (as all the good Vietnamese girls are supposed to do) for almost two years. The money was good, and my mom was happy that I was still being supervised by family. But if I was even a minute late coming home, she would call my aunt and demand that she send me home.

    So I quit that job because I really don’t have the personality for it and started working in a factory. My mom worked there. I worked in her department. I had to drive there with her and drive home with her. If anyone else asked me to do something, they had to run it by her first. Once, I was testing parts in the lab for an entire day and she lost her shit when I came back because no one had told her. She calmed down after that, but ugh.

    Eventually I ended up working in the office of that company, which my mom loved, because I didn’t have to work in the “gross” factory (her words, not mine, I actually kind of loved it) but she could still keep an eye on me. However, my boss sucked and wasn’t going to change, and I was severely underpaid. So I interviewed for and obtained a new job with almost double the salary. I told my boss before I told my mom (mostly because I wanted to tell her that I already resigned and she can do nothing about it) and told my mom at her house and then had to physically restrain her from getting up and driving to work right that second and telling my boss I lied and was going to stay. So she started crying, screaming, hitting me, the whole shebang. Even after I told her it was more money with a better boss. “All bosses are terrible!” she cried, “why can’t you just stay here and they can pay you more money!” Be… cause that’s not… how it works? “What do you know! You’re too young to understand anything!”

    Thankfully at that point I had already moved out (which was a feat in and of itself and involved me secretly moving things out of my room in the middle of the night and into my car and having to beg her to let me go which still grinds my gears to this day, years later), so I told her that I had already made the decision, and just got up and left. I did not speak to her for three months after that (or maybe I wish it was three months? Can’t quite remember right now) and she is now on a very, very strict information diet. Though, I had posted about the tribulations of my salary last week, so unfortunately, I have found that that strict of an information diet was clearly not strict enough.

    I laugh about it now, but at the time, I was severely depressed and was only able to leave my parents’ house and my shitty job because I didn’t really give a damn whether I lived or died. What was my mom going to do to me that was worse than living under her roof? Kill me? Eh, worth the risk, I’m about to drive my car into a light pole anyway, so I might as well risk it to get away from her. I don’t want to say that she made me this way, but I don’t live with her anymore and haven’t lived with her for a long time and I am doing so so so much better. But yeah. Helicopter parents, man.

    1. Turtlewings*

      Good gosh. I really admire your strength in getting the heck away. Good job.

      1. Seifer*

        Oh god, I didn’t realize how long this was until I came back to check for other people’s stories, so I commend YOU for reading the whole thing! And thank you! There is hope for other helicopter’d children.

    2. Anonym*

      So glad you got out and are doing better!! Congratulations on building the boundaries you need, too. That’s really impressive.

    3. Secretary*

      This is seriously so impressive! More detail would go off topic (against comment rules), but I could have done with more detail on your secretly moving out!

  121. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

    I have one, and from Home Country from way back in the 90s. BG: I had lost the first job I had out of college when I went on maternity leave – they did not let me come back, and had hired a man to replace me before my son was even born, basically the minute I went on leave to give birth to him. The guy who’d been my boss at that place, found another job that was more up to date on tech and paid better, brought most of his teammates from OldJob over to the new one, and wanted to bring me over too. However, the owner/CEO of our local branch of that new company said no as soon as he heard my name: “We don’t hire women as developers. Company policy.”

    Now the helicoptering story itself: the owner apparently then went on to explain to my boss how he’d come by that (hopefully illegal in Home Country now!) no-women policy. Apparently they’d hired a college grad, who was a young woman, let’s call her Bobette; and Bobette was not a great performer, nor did she have good work ethics. The last straw came when they were having a production release and a ten AM meeting as a part of it. Bobette did not come to the meeting. By 11 AM, they became worried about Bobette (was she ok??) and called her home number. Her mother answered the phone and said that Bobette could not come to the phone, because she was sleeping. They explained who they were and why they were calling, and Bobette’s mom doubled down on what she’d already said. Bobette was sleeping and was not to be woken up. Not only did Bobette lose her job (which she likely deserved), but that somehow gave the (probably already sexist) owner a terrible idea to just stop hiring women and call it a company policy.

  122. Half-Caf Latte*

    My SO has a coworker who is a known snowplow for her 5 adult children. I think my favorite story is the one where an adult son was coming home from college for a job interview, and upon arrival at home, informed momma that he had not brought interview attire with him. SHE drove out in the snow that night to procure an entire outfit, including shoes.

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      I confess to going out to Nordstrom rack after work to buy clothes for my (HS senior) son for a college interview. I bought a pair of pants, a dress shirt, and a tie. I think he already somehow had the shoes?

      Hopefully not offtopic, the part where I picked out a tie was funny. I don’t know how to pick a tie. I am also not married, so there wasn’t a husband I could call and ask about a tie. I walked up to a store employee holding the shirt I’d picked, and asked what tie would go with it. He said he didn’t know, flagged down a guy who was walking past (who I assumed was another employee) and asked him. The guy was really helpful, if a bit of an out-of-the-box thinker. I remember he started with “you want to go with red – a power tie”. He then gave me a few more pointers and closed with a completely unexpected to me “well I’m actually here with my girlfriend, and she’s ready to go to checkout, so I’ve got to run but good luck with the tie!”

      1. Anonymeece*

        That was a very sweet thing for that man to do!

        Out of curiosity, though, did your son have to watch videos on how to tie a tie?

      2. Kitryan*

        I worked at the Gap for a while after grad school and one time I helped a father and daughter pick out college interview clothes. They were so great. The kid just wanted something that was appropriate but that she still felt comfortable in- she had a menswear sort of style and was clearly worried that she’d have to wear a dress or something to be dressed properly. I found them nice slacks and shirt options and they both seemed so relived and happy. This was about 15 years ago, I hope everything went great for her.

    2. nnn*

      I admire her ability to buy an entire interview-worthy outfit, including shoes, for another person who isn’t even there with her all in one shopping trip!

      1. Half-Caf Latte*

        this speaks to the depths of the momma-bear ways. I’d be more surprised to learn she didn’t know the clothing sizes of all of the children, honestly.

    3. Jennifer*

      What?! I would have given him some suggestions on places to get affordable interview attire. But it being his hometown, he should have known that. He just wanted mama to do it for him.

  123. Bostonienne*

    Long time lurker, first-time poster! I work at a large, elite university and many years ago towards the beginning of my career here I worked doing visa sponsorship for students coming to the summer school. To be eligible for visa sponsorship, you had to submit certain info and documentation by a particular deadline. It was a hard deadline, and we had no wiggle room- everything was in by that date, or no visa sponsorship for you, full stop. I had a prospective student call from Canada looking for sponsorship; he had already missed the deadline, there was nothing we could do and told him so. He didn’t like it, but there was absolutely nothing we could do but recommend he look into other visa options.

    Fast forward to the beginning of the summer school term, I get a call from his mom. He’s at the US/Canadian border, and instead of fudging his story and telling them he was coming for a visit, he told border security he was coming to study here and didn’t have a visa (this is not allowed, and even in those less-fraught days that did not fly with Homeland Security). Mom is now calling me, insisting that *I* call the border and tell the agents to let him in. That is.. not how things work, madam. Best of luck.

    It’s worth noting that while the summer school had programs for students as young as high school ages, this particular gentleman was 30.

  124. The missing resume*

    Over a decade ago, I worked for a small business, total of 4 employees. I was the “glorified intern” with the title “assistant.” One of my jobs was to greet guests looking for internships. One (college-aged) girl showed up with her father. They lived in the next state over from mine and the dad had driven her to the interview. I asked the girl for a copy of her resume to give my boss and she said she didn’t bring one because she had already emailed us a copy. Dad goes “sweetie/honey, you didn’t bring a copy? Why didn’t you bring it?”

  125. Adjunct Instructor*

    I am an instructor at a community college where I taught a class that had students take tests in the testing center. The testing center had a no leaving during the test policy. So, despite being told when he received his test, it being written on the test cover page and there being numerous signs about no leaving, he left to go to the bathroomwhen he was half way through the test. The test was pulled. So I graded him on what he got before he left.
    Mom and Dad show up the next day, telling me I should let their son retake the test because he didn’t know, not fair etc. This was after they went to the testing center. I kept telling them I could not discuss it with them due to FERPA. It took over half an hour to get them to leave!

    1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      Your testing center really should have a better restroom plan than “if you have to pee you fail.” That’s just unreasonable.

        2. Shoes On My Cat*

          Seems reasonable. If someone has a medical, I’m sure there’s a work around. I’m presuming it’s to keep people from accessing hidden notes, etc

  126. Tina*

    This happened to my sister — she teaches at a high school (and was in her mid-late 20’s at the time) that my parents live a couple miles away from. One day, she had made tentative plans for dinner with my parents, but got caught up in working on something after the school day had ended, and didn’t have her cell phone on her.

    When it was approaching dinner time and my parents hadn’t heard from my sister and couldn’t get ahold of her on the phone, my father went to her work and walked into her classroom to make sure she was ok.

    My parents still wonder why I don’t want to move back to their city.

    1. facepalm*

      I dunno, I think about Colleen Ritzer, a teacher who was raped and murdered in her classroom after school in 2013. I would be worried if I couldn’t reach my loved one and was expecting to. Sounds like your dad just quietly went to her classroom, didn’t phone the principal at home or have the school page her to announce “TINA’S SISTER, YOUR DAD IS IN THE LOBBY.”

      1. Serafina*

        No. No, no, no. You do not get to sight some dreadful (and incredibly rare) news headlines as an excuse to violate someone’s professional boundaries and put their work at risk. Daddy Dearest’s behavior was inexcusable.

      2. Tina*

        I recognize that my father was anxious, but his response to that anxiety was not appropriate.

        The problem with helicopter parenting is that the parents prioritize their own anxieties above their children’s independence and boundaries, not that they embarrass their children. Whether he publicly made a point of being there or not, he showed up at his adult daughter’s place of work because he hadn’t heard from her in a couple hours.

        I’d also like to push back against citing rare terrible events as justification for this sort of thing. These events are used as excuses to control women’s behavior in ways that don’t actually increase their safety. Texting my parents wouldn’t prevent my sister from being raped and murdered, and my father showing up at her workplace also wouldn’t. That is, again, putting my parents’ unreasonable anxieties over my sister’s ability to live an independent life.

  127. Over 60 & Forever Young*

    Ooooo!! Is it weird that I’m freakishly excited about this topic?! I have a few gems of my own to add and looking forward to reading the comments! Bwwaahahaha!

  128. Veryanon*

    I’m the parent of two teenagers, one who just finished his first year of college and one who is still in high school. Applications are online now, even for retail stores, and I work in HR and do a good bit of hiring, so I’ve coached both of them on how to complete applications to maximize their chances of getting called, did a bit of role-playing on interviewing, etc. If they come to me with questions about things that happen at their jobs, I’m happy to talk through it with them. But I consider this part of my job as their parent to help them transition to adulthood. I would never call a manager on their behalf or anything along those lines.

  129. Catleesi*

    My brother told me my niece has to pick a college somewhere they like – because he and my sister in law will be moving to live wherever she goes. They have a few years yet – but I have no doubt it will happen.

    2. buttrue???*

      My son lives in a college town. Couple want to buy a house for son to live in when he goes to college. Son is in middle school. Helicopter alumni parents. Son went to college my husband and I met at. I think we went down a total of 8 times. One of which was graduation and another was to help him move out of his rental house to move 600 miles to his first job.

      1. Good luck with that*

        When I was in school in the 1970s, there was a family that bought a house near campus. They had either four or five kids, all of whom were expected to attend this same small liberal arts school.
        It made financial sense, as extra bedrooms could be rented to other students to offset most of the costs of ownership. But I wondered whether all the kids actually *wanted* to attend that school.

    3. DCGirl*

      I went to William & Mary and this phenomenon is surprisingly common in Williamsburg.

      1. FromThe757*

        Oh wow, I am from there and didn’t know that was a thing! Although Williamsburg really is a lovely area in which to live. But that is precisely why I DIDN’T go to W&M lol. My parents’ house was 20 min from campus. No thank you, that is way to close for me.

  130. Anon-Today*

    Almost 20 years ago, while teaching a junior-level college course required for people majoring in the topic, I received a phone call from a concerned mother who wanted me to discuss her son’s progress in the course. I informed her that he was an adult and that it’s up to him to discuss things with her or not, as he wished. She was gobsmacked. He had some sort of diagnosable thing which he had not told me about, so I was doubly sure I didn’t want to talk to her about his grades. She ranted about paying his tuition, which struck me as odd. I would have been mortified if my mother had done such a thing! I did tell the student that she’d called, and I told him what transpired. I have no idea whether he updated her. He did graduate, so apparently she need not have worried, and yes, he passed my class.

  131. NAME HERE*

    Argh I can throw in my own mother here! When I was 15, she really wanted me to get a job. I didn’t want to get a job until I could drive, since we lived in a rural area and there weren’t any jobs for a twenty minute drive. Obviously public transport didn’t exist either. BUT, she insisted I apply for this coffee shop two towns over. She forced me to go to the cafe, ask for an application, made me fill it out in the car, and then return it immediately. Then, she drove me there every day for about three weeks to ask for an interview. It was mortifying. I was a very shy, awkward kid so I wasn’t a good candidate anyways, and here I was harassing this poor cafe owner against my will. Eventually, he asked that I stop coming in but when I explained that to my mom she DIDN’T BELIEVE ME and drove me for two more days until I just broke down to this poor guy and asked him to please go out into the parking lot and tell my mom to stop bringing me here.

    I still don’t know what she was thinking, because she’s not a helicopter parent at all. But she had the same job for her entire adult life so I just think maybe she had some vintage ideas of how someone got a job. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my entire life.

  132. Anon For This*

    I worked for a Division I NCAA Football team that most people recognize immediately. I was the personal secretary to the Head Coach. Being in higher education meant that we were subject to FERPA. In K-12 environments, that means making sure that only parents are allowed access to records. In higher ed, it means making sure parents are NOT allowed access unless waivers are completed. It was with great joy that I shut parents down by citing FERPA whenever they complained about their child’s playing time.

    In particular, I had one mother who called 6-7 times a day, every day, for weeks. Her son routinely skipped workouts and practices and coaches meetings, so he was benched. That was unacceptable to mother, because the family was going through hard times. This became her Hill To Die On. The position coach refused to take her calls, emails, or personal visits. The head coach met with her once and then refused all further communication. I was instructed by our legal department to ignore her calls and call campus police if she showed up in office. Because she didn’t like that her lazy kid wasn’t getting playing minutes.

    1. Catsaber*

      Using FERPA was so satisfying for me when I did student support. My first job out of college was at a small private university where they did not take FERPA seriously….because they didn’t want to offend the parents/donors. So we had to put up with all sorts of crap. Now I’m at a big state university and they definitely take FERPA very seriously.

  133. Catleesi*

    In the early 80s when my mom was in college, she and a friend were headed home for summer break. I guess they were running a few hours (HOURS) behind, and so my grandmother called the police. My mom and her friend were sitting in a bar eating (not relevant but awesome – they had my mom’s cat with them on the table) and in walks a state trooper.

    I’m guessing there was some conversation about whether she was ok, but he ended it with “Call your mother.” My mom said she wanted to sink into the ground.

    1. buttrue???*

      All I ask my kids is that they let me know when they get home. The youngest will although sometimes hours late. But I figure as long as the state police/hospital isn’t calling me they’re good.

  134. WorkInProgress*

    One of my relatives (pushing 40, working professional in a prestigious field) has her mom visit her frequently (cross country). Mom cleans her apt, does her laundry, makes her food/meal preps for the future until the next visit, etc. It’s part helicopter parenting… but also after many years of this, has now just evolved into spoiled entitlement on my relative’s end, where she expects this “service” from her parents. *Shudder* I think I would lose it if my mom came for a visit and while I was out at work she took it upon herself to do my laundry or start dusting my apartment. It’s so invasive, infantilizing and embarrassing. Just, noooooo! (Luckily, I have a mom that has proper boundaries and would never dream of doing this bc she understands I’m a grown-ass woman and can do it myself).

    1. Serin*

      I had a co-worker whose daughter was married with two kids. The co-worker’s wife would go to this woman’s house to visit her grandkids, of course, but would also show up while they were at school to do the laundry and clean the house.

      This allowed the daughter to go on being super-busy with a ton of activities … and the son-in-law to go on being a useless guy who does nothing in the house or yard and doesn’t know the names of his kids’ teachers.

  135. CubeFarmer*

    This isn’t about a job applicant, but rather the parent himself. One of our team would call his college-aged son at his dorm so that he would get up for class on time. It’s like the kid couldn’t work an alarm clock or something. And, of course, the kid wouldn’t answer so then the father would shout at the answering machine, “Bob, get UP. BOB, time to GET UP!” It was not only embarrassing to listen to that almost daily, it was also annoying and disruptive. Our boss finally had to say something to him to keep him focused on his actual job.

    1. Artemesia*

      I worked at a prestigious highly selective university and we had a parent call the dean’s office insisting that little Fergus needed to have someone wake him up in the morning so he would make it to class.

  136. Jennifer*

    This happened to someone at work so I guess it sort of applies to the topic. I heard on the radio that a woman taught at one of those fancy private schools in NYC and one of her PRE-SCHOOL students was a Rockerfeller. So when she met with the kid’s parents, she was telling them how he was doing with you know, normal pre-school things like finger painting, and the parents said, “Yes, we really want you to challenge him because we feel that like his grandfather he is a leader.” He was 3.

    1. Anon For This Comment Because Geography*

      I live in a town that has a lot of contact with the Rockefellers. I’ve met some of the surviving members of the family when they’ve been in town at their properties and they all seemed pretty decent and normal. This person’s behavior is so gauche. This parent sounds like either a) a giant glass bowl or b) someone who married into the family and wants everyone to know or c) both. Ick.

    2. Catsaber*

      That cracks me up because most 3 year olds I’ve met are BOSSY. The whole lot of them. I guess they’re all leaders?…

  137. Artemesia*

    My mother’s neighbors had a daughter graduating and taking a job in California; they lived in Seattle. She mentioned they were going down to San Diego to get Susie an apartment and get her set up. My mother offered to feed their cat and water their plants and the neighbor said ‘oh, Susie will be here for that.’ The PARENTS went to San Diego, rented an apartment, furnished then went and met with her new boss the week before she started her new job. It just blew my mind.

    My mother was a bit of a martyr-mother who always redid any household task I did to ‘get it right’ so I really didnt know much about housework and cooking when I graduated and got married — but sheesh — it is truly not rocket science and I managed well enough. My second husband was an officer in the military who lived off base when they got back from Vietnam with fellow officers and no one knew how to cook so he got a cookbook and taught himself; he is still a wonderful cook, better than me — but we both managed to acquire laundry, cooking etc skills as adults.

  138. 25yearsInHigherEd*

    I had a law student whose very overbearing mother insisted on meeting with me constantly. She came every meeting we had, and then wanted to meet without her son. I explained that her son would have to waive his privacy rights before I could talk with her and gave her a copy of our waiver form.
    The next day, he came in holding the form. We chatted about his issues, and I mentioned that he didn’t have to give me the form, and kept working with him on his issues. As we talked, he folded the form and put it in his pocket.
    A big step forward for him, and I never heard from his mother again.

    2. Snarktini*

      I’ve been looking for a story like this! Because it seems with an overbearing helicopter parent, telling them a form is needed for them to keep interfering would result in said form being submitted, even if it had to be coercively / fraudulently. Thank you for giving him space to walk that back!

  139. Robin Ellacott*

    We had a 25-year old staff member in an entry level job whose dad apparently controlled some very odd aspects of her life. For instance she took a really long, circuitous route to work, including an unnecessary bridge (bridges are the WORST bottlenecks in my city and everyone avoids them) because that was the route her dad had shown her. Some other staff members who lived near her offered to let her follow then to show her an easier and faster route and she said no, her dad would be upset. So she drove over an hour more than needed 5 days a week. And when people had normal chats about movies and such she told us her dad wouldn’t let her watch anything R-rated. She had never been on a date.

    She also was very over sensitive and saw any manager’s feedback or coaching as bullying and started sobbing. She was a strangely linear thinker who couldn’t get back on track if something was unexpected and would just mechanically start again from the beginning. It was a bit of a chicken and egg thing: was she so helpless because her dad wouldn’t let her do anything? Or was he controlling because she had intrinsic limitations?

    It got to the point where people were worried about her being abused and tried to point out how unusual this was, provide information about healthy family relationships and so on. We work in social services so this was stuff we had available anyway. But she never seemed unhappy or concerned about her situation. Finally she left to train as a nurse, but I can’t imagine she would be able to handle nursing school, let alone nursing. I hope she is okay today.

  140. J*

    I almost attended a college that promoted helicopter parents. I enrolled for their orientation weekend a couple weeks before the semester started, and they asked which of my parents would be attending. I said “neither” and they said I couldn’t come without a parent. I was 18, almost 19. When I inquired as to why, the advisor told me that it is important for parents to know what is going on with their kids and get to know the professors and advisors that they would be communicating with, and get a feeling of what kind of environment they are sending their “children” off to.

    I realized at that point that the culture was all wrong and ended up attending a local community College instead, where I could, ya know, be a young adult.

    1. Turtlewings*

      Geez, gotta wonder what they’d do if the student was an orphan, or just plain showed up without anybody. You’re going to deny a student orientation because they didn’t bring a parent? Really? What about returning students, you gonna tell 46-year-old mother of three that she has to bring a parent? That is just bizarre.

      1. AJK*

        Yeah, that’s crazy. I was twenty-five when I went to college. When I went to orientation my parents lived 500 miles away, I wasn’t bringing them. If I remember right, a lot of parents did attend our orientation day, but they were shuffled off to a parent program at the beginning of the day and we didn’t see them again until the end. I do remember that I skipped the residential life presentation and went home early.

        1. irene adler*

          After high school I attended the local university, which happened to be quite good-esp, in the sciences.
          They held an orientation meant for parents and in-coming students.
          My parents passed on this. They didn’t see any reason to attend.

          So I went alone. Seemed like everyone else had at least one parent with them.
          Got to talking with one mother. She was singing her son’s praises – all the AP courses he passed, high GPA, wants to be a doctor, had to be very smart to get accepted to this university, blah, blah, blah.

          Then she turned to me and said, “This is such a lovely school. So where do you work on campus? ”

          I explained that I was a student, same as her son.

          She didn’t believe me.

          She insisted that I just could not possibly have gained admission to such a prestigious school. The requirements were so rigorous only exceptional students- like her son- are able to gain admission.

          Very gently she said, “Perhaps you meant to say that, someday, you’d like to ATTEND this university?”

          I didn’t know what to say to the woman.

          I do know her son didn’t graduate from this university. That doesn’t mean he dropped out. He may have transferred to a different school. I graduated.

          1. Kendra*

            Wow, what a creep she was! Who says something like that??

            Also, she thought you might work on campus, but couldn’t possibly be a student? What’s that all about?? Most colleges and universities (at least in the US) LOVE to hire their students, because they can pay them peanuts, not offer benefits, and get a percentage of their wages reimbursed by the Feds (or, on the flip side, most offer their “real” employees some type of tuition reduction as part of their benefits package). The likelihood that any random university employee is also a student is much higher than the likelihood that they aren’t.

        2. Samwise*

          Some of my friends were horrified to discover that I sent my son off to do college visits on his own. I did buy the plane tickets and drive him to the airport, but he did everything else — contacted the schools to arrange the visits, arranged air bnbs, got himself from the airport to the school, took himself out to restaurants for dinner. (Yeah, I’m bragging on him!)

  141. Cordoba*

    When I was a college undergrad I was volun-told to give tours for prospective students and their families during a big recruitment weekend.

    This school was a very practically-focused engineering school that took the hands-off approach of treating students as though they were already adult professionals and just letting things sort themselves out from there. There was one dad on the tour who apparently thought he was touring a kindergarten or something.

    Serious Dad: “How do you discourage the students from smoking?”
    Me: “Uhhh, we don’t. They’re all adults and can smoke if they want.”

    Serious Dad: “Harrumph. Well, how do you ensure that the students are in bed by a reasonable time?”
    Me: “We don’t. They’re all adults and can stay up as late as they want.”

    Serious Dad: “Harrumph. How do you make sure they go to class?”
    Me: “Well, the ones who don’t go to class eventually fail out.”

    I don’t know where his kid wound up going to college, but I hope it wasn’t someplace with a lights-out policy.

    1. Rebecca*

      When I went on a college tour (what feels like 100 years ago but it was the late 90s) one of the parents asked what time lights out was. I could feel their kid burning with shame when it happened.

      1. Military Prof*

        Perhaps you could route them to the military academies, which do actually have a lights-out policy? Or at least they did a few years ago, when I was teaching there.

      2. Artemesia*

        I graduated from a major public university over 50 years ago and we had all sorts of stupid policies (for women of course, not men) including campus hours (when you couldn’t be in your room) and curfew.

    2. Jessen*

      Some of the really conservative Christian schools do this. I’m 31 and some of my peers went to these schools.

      1. Catsaber*

        I did my freshman year at a small private school in a town with a few of these types of schools – they had lights out at 11pm, students had to sign things like “good behavior” pledges…ugh. It was awful. My school was pretty conservative but at least I didn’t have a bedtime.

      2. J*

        Exactly. I made my own post which was actually a Christian school where parents were highly encouraged to be overly involved. There was no smoking or drinking on grounds, and there was a curfew. They would have LOVED this dad.

  142. L.S. Cooper*

    I worked at the university book store for a year-ish in college. I had TONS of parents call in to order books for their students– not paying for them, fully buying and often picking up these books. We had a system in place where students could charge books and supplies to their student accounts, meaning it’d be billed the same as tuition, and parents could pay it the same way as tuition. (This is how I bought my books and supplies, which my parents generously paid for.)
    I think my least favorite were the ones who had to go and talk to their children to get information about their schedules or accounts, because it meant the student was RIGHT THERE. Why can’t the student just order their own books? (And for the phone adverse, we had a great system where they could order everything online and have it packed and ready for pickup– seriously, we made it SO EASY for people to get their books.)

  143. Helicopter grandparenting*

    Personal experience with what could be “helicopter-y” but was actually sweet in a misguided and really annoying way –

    My grandparents live in a popular beach town with thousands of seasonal jobs, so every summer when I was a college student, I would live with them for a few months while I worked a boardwalk job from around 3 or 4 every afternoon until midnight. They wanted to drive me to work and pick me up every night, but at 19 I balked at that and insisted on riding my bike to and from work. They lived one mile from my workplace, in a very low-crime neighborhood that my cousins and I have roamed around freely since we were kids, along very well-lit, well-traversed roads which always had people out on them even late at night. I would call home and let them know I was leaving every time I left the shop so that they would know to expect me in less than 10 minutes. This was insufficient safety measures for my grandparents; my grandfather insisted on driving his elderly station wagon up to the main drag every night when I got off and then would follow me home at 20mph while I biked the mile home. Nothing would dissuade this 80yo man, but it was definitely something that was done for his well-being and state of mind, not mine!

    1. Veryanon*

      That’s actually kind of sweet and sounds like something my grandma would have done.
      On a related note, my parents (who are now retired) live fairly close to a large amusement park that hires lots of teenagers for the summer – the amusement park is owned by, and named for, a very famous chocolate maker in Pennsylvania. As part of their never ending campaign to get me (and now my family) to move back to my hometown (where I have not lived since 1990), my mother thought it would be a fantastic idea for my two teenagers to apply for jobs at this amusement park and live with her for the summer. She even offered to drive them back and forth to work, cook all their meals, wash all their clothes, etc. My kids were not interested in her very generous offer, since they wanted to be close to their friends, but my mother will just not let it go. When I told her that my daughter will be traveling to France this summer on a 2-week school trip, she blinked and said “Oh, I guess that means she won’t be working at [park].” Keeping in mind that I had repeatedly shut this down. I said, no, she won’t be working there.
      Yikes.

  144. Lygeia*

    I work for an executive recruiting firm, and we have gotten multiple calls over the years from parents insisting we help their kid get a job. We have a very niche specialization, and I’d say 90% of the time, the kid’s background isn’t even relevant to what we do. But helicopter parents don’t take no for an answer. I answer our main phone line, and those are the worst calls. Though funny to share with everyone after the fact!

    Also, helicopter spouses are a thing too. I’ve had this happen where a wife called on behalf of her husband. WHAT WHY YOU ARE ADULTS.

  145. Astrid*

    Moderately related, as it was volunteering at a summer camp –

    A mother signed on to be a volunteer camp counselor at a camp I was involved with. She only signed on because her sons were going to be in the camp that week. The theme for our group was superheroes, and all the counselors made up names and costumes for themselves and their campers. One of the guys was calling himself ‘Superdork’ and his campers were the ‘dorkies’. The mother was INCENSED that someone would call her children ‘names’. She was further incensed when she learned she would not be able to bathe them, tuck them in in their cabin, and sing them to sleep.

    She ended up going to the director insisting the camp be canceled for the week because of the ‘name-calling’ thing, and then pulled her two kids and went home.

  146. Realtor Woman*

    I had a seller that had an ideal property–one that would sell within a week. A prospective buyer was a professional, single woman in her 30s. She and her mother and their agent went to the home, and after camping out in there for more than three hours (a typical first show is an hour at most), sent an offer that was 20% off asking.
    I presented it to my clients who countered with full price. They knew that their home was desirable and already had 2 offers they were considering, plus this one. I let their agent know that there was a lot of traffic on this house, and this seller was just not even in the ballpark.
    The mother of the buyer showed up at my office and was demanding that I get my clients to sell their home to her daughter. She said, “they’re just racist against Chinese people!” When I stated my sellers weren’t “racist” but were not going to take 20% off their asking price when they had multiple offers, she cussed at me in Chinese and left. I figured that was the end of it.
    No, she and her daughter went to the home, pretending to be an agent and buyer who were “just driving by.” The seller answered the door and she was skeptical, so she told them she couldn’t show the home right then and to call the listing service and make an appointment. They marched past her and started yelling at her calling her “racist” and “evil.” She ended up leaving and calling the police. The mother tried to tell the police that her daughter had already bought the house and that the seller was a “squatter.”
    Yeah.

    1. Drew*

      I think having my parents (and a grandparent!) come to the open house I was interested in may have GOTTEN me my first house – the sellers’ realtor mentioned it at least twice while we were negotiating – but it was very clearly MY house and MY negotiation. They were along because they happened to be in town when I saw the open house posted online and looking at houses has always been a family hobby.

    3. Pebbles*

      When my husband and I were selling our house, we had multiple offers. One was from a young couple in their late-20s, and their realtor was the man’s mother. We decided to go with their offer, but we later regretted that decision. Five months after closing, our realtor gets a call from the mother saying that the lights downstairs don’t work, and haven’t been working for the past three months. She insisted that we hire an electrician to fix it. Uh no, that’s not how this works. Everything was working when your kid bought the place, it was inspected by the city (required in our town), and by the person you hired, and everything was fine at closing.

      Now, we had a contractor do some work (including electrical) prior to selling, and this was disclosed, so she then called up the contractor and insisted they come out and fix the problem for free. (All of this was told to us by our realtor who was getting frequent text messages from the mother.) They did eventually go out to the house, it wasn’t the entire downstairs that was out just a few rooms including the laundry room, and the mother and son were shown the ground protection fault that had been tripped at some point. How/why it affected more than just the laundry room I don’t know, but that part of the downstairs was not where the work was done and the house was over 60 years old, so…dunno?

  147. Dontlikeunfairrules*

    I was HR/Finance/Operations Manager at an entertainment production company and handled interns each summer. I spoke with one guy who was great- smart, polite, excited to learn, etc….Basically everything you look for in an intern. He was coming to LA to meet with a few companies and find an apartment so we set up a meeting.

    On our meeting day I went into the lobby to greet him after being buzzed by the receptionist, and he and his dad were sitting on one of the couches. We did our introductions then I said to him “well, let’s go to my office to chat!” and John (the intern) AND his dad stood up and started walking towards the suite’s interior. I immediately thought “WHAT THE EFF??!!” but honestly was so shocked that I allowed it. I could tell that the kid was horrified-his face was beet red. It was 10-12 years ago (we didn’t have the advantage of referencing AAM back then!) and I really felt so bad for the kid and so flabbergasted that I just allowed it and we all crammed into my little office and had a semi-awkward conversation about Los Angeles and the company and what we even looking for yada yada yada….

    I ended up bringing him on as an intern and -not shockingly- when I extended the offer on the phone and in an email, the father *insisted* on a formal offer letter despite my never once in 10 years of HR and recruiting at the company having to create an offer letter for an intern or an assistant…..sigh……

    He was a great kid and a wonderful person and ended up being quite successful. But you could tell he was a kid with an overbearing parent (or at least I could, knowing what i knew) and I always kinda felt bad for him. I wanted to tell the Dad to count his lucky stars that he had such a good kid. With a dad like that it could go two ways – total rebel and kid from hell or a kid that just put up with it. He got the latter.

  148. Rebecca*

    I had an intern once whose mother called MY boss to tell her to tell ME that her daughter was bored…but the worst example I’ve experienced was a woman who worked for me – she would have been about 27 at the time – whose parents would drive two hours from their town to ours to pick their daughter up when she was sick. I don’t know what else may have been going on with her, health-wise, but this was for things like a cold or flu. They’d show up at the office, bundle her into the car, and her mother would drive her off to a hotel to a recuperate while dad pulled me aside to tell me that Jane would be out sick for a few days. Then, he’d drive her car to the hotel. As I said, I’m not sure what else may have been in play, but these were times when Jane clearly had a stuffy nose, sniffles, etc. When Jane returned to work after two or three days of being fed soup and tea at the Ritz Carlton, she’d sort of roll her eyes and say things like “Oh yeah, I’m the baby of the family…my parents are something else!” That’s one way of putting it!

    1. Works in IT*

      That sounds awful, but from the viewpoint of someone with the exact opposite (parents who threatened me with assorted punishments if I didn’t stop coughing and act perfectly healthy) I think I’d like to trade my helicopter parents for hers.

  149. LeslieNopeNopeNope*

    I’m not sure if this qualifies as a helicopter mom, but this lady definitely had zero sense of boundaries. When I was in my early twenties, I worked in a popular clothing store with “Lucy”, who was around the same age. One night I answered our work phone with our standard greeting, which included my name, only to hear “Lucy! Where the $%*@ is my foundation? I told you to stop taking it!” It was Lucy’s mom, who was apparently doesn’t know what her own daughter’s voice sounds like on the phone. When I asked if she actually wanted to speak to Lucy, she wasn’t the slightest bit embarrassed or apologetic.

    A few months later, on Halloween, I was wrapping up my shift when I answered the phone. Once again, it was the same awful woman, who very condescendingly informed me that Lucy had been invited to a party that night, and she (mom) had told her to go ahead and skip work, so Lucy would not be coming in. She said it with such bitterness, as if she was personally offended that her daughter’s employer would have the audacity to schedule her. I told her that maybe she should consider telling this to an actual manager and not the first employee to answer the phone, passed it off to my manager, and went to cancel MY plans for the night since my replacement was evidently not going to come in.

  150. Working Single Mom*

    This is not necessarily work-related, but when I was trying to process my divorce from my ex-husband, who quit his well-paying job and moved across the country to live with his mom and be unemployed, it took THREE TRIES in court because his mom kept trying to speak for him over the phone and the judge shut that crap down. I missed a ton of work right when I was first starting a new job, and it didn’t have any repercussions but it was not the first impression I wanted to make (my boss was very understanding and brought me pastries when I returned).

    Eventually they subpoenaed him to travel back to my state rather than appear on phone, and of course she accompanied him and told anyone in the crowded hallway who would listen to that I had “stepped out on him” (I had not). During the actual hearing the judge had to tell her several times that she needed to stop talking, and ultimately they had to threaten to hold her in contempt.

    It’s 5 years later, he’s in his late 30’s, and he’s still unemployed and living with his mom. Divorce: it’s expensive because it’s worth it.

    1. Close Bracket*

      “Divorce: it’s expensive because it’s worth it.”

      LOL

      I’m sorry your ex and his mother were so awful, and I’m sorry the divorce was such a process. That is one hell of a summary, though. :)

      1. Working Single Mom*

        It was advice given to me at the outset by a co-worker who had been through the process himself. I loved it, too. :)

  151. Delta Delta*

    This happened to my dear husband. He got stealth-helicoptered and he didn’t even know it.

    We were in law school and not married yet. One day after class we both picked up our mail and he found a business envelope from a law firm in a town near his hometown. Curious, he opened it to find a rejection letter for a summer internship…. that he hadn’t applied for. He called the sender of the letter and said he was confused since he hadn’t applied for any jobs there and already had plans in another state for the summer. The person he spoke to scanned him a copy of the “application.” It was a card. From a stationery store. With the word “Friendship” across the front in scrawly print. Inside, in his mother’s handwriting, was her mysterious version of an “application” for summer employment. Highly embarrassed, he thanked the person and said it was from a well-meaning relative and that he didn’t mean for her time to be wasted. Yikes.

    1. Catsaber*

      Sounds like something my mom might have done. She’s “voluntold” me for several things in the past that she just KNEW would be great opportunities and I should definitely do it!

  152. NoCoastLife*

    Several years ago, I was an assistant coach for a school team. We had a few overnight tournaments every year and for one tournament we took the Freshman with the entire team. We always had a parents meeting where we laid out the plan, hotel information, and expectation for the students. Some parents were obviously more nervous than others but we’d never had any issues……until Billy’s mom.
    She called me a few days before the trip and said she was concerned about Billy going. I explained everything we had talked about in the meeting and assured her that he would be fine and it would be a good opportunity for him to compete. She then launched into a 10 min explanation of how when Billy was in 2nd grade, he was on the bus too long and wet his pants, she wanted to know how many stops we’d be making (none, it’s a 2 hr trip), if I would please ask him several times if he needed to use the bathroom during the trip, and ensure he didn’t drink too much water on the bus.
    Then she moved on to the sleeping arrangements. We put three to four kids in each room and she was worried he wouldn’t get to sleep on time. She wanted me to go into his room and see that he was in bed by 8 pm. She also wanted me to personally wake him up in the morning (because sometimes he has trouble getting out of bed.) We set wakeup calls for every room and coaches go around knocking on doors until a kid answers, but that wasn’t good enough for her.
    She called me multiple times a day leading up to the trip, twice on the bus and the next morning at the tournament to see how her son slept, what he ate, if he wet his pants and what time we’d be home. We never took the poor kid on another overnight trip because I couldn’t do my regular job and deal with this lady multiple times a day.
    Just to clarify, Billy had no mental or physical issues (I checked with another teacher), he was a perfectly normal kid with a perfectly abnormal mom. When I mentioned his mom called me, he looked like he wanted to die!

    1. Kendra*

      Poor Billy!! That sounds like a nightmare for a high school kid (not that it was fun for you, either!).

    3. How to Train Your Narcissist*

      We never took the poor kid on another overnight trip because I couldn’t do my regular job and deal with this lady multiple times a day.

      I am sorry if this sounds unkind, but this was exactly the wrong reaction. You needed to help that kid escape his NMom, and you ended up enabling her.

      1. collie flower*

        +1. intentionally or not (and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t, based on your compassion for the poor kid), this reinforced to her that her controlling, invasive nonsense works to keep her kid from going on trips where he can get away from her. Narcissists prey on well-meaning people who don’t know better; it’s important to try not to punish the victim for the abuser’s terrible behavior.

        (The reason I use that term so confidently is because humiliating her teenage son over something that happened when he was in second grade is inherently abusive, imo.)

        Billy, I’m rooting for you, wherever you are. :(

  153. Construction Safety*

    Really late to the party, but we had a project fire a forklift operator for talking on the phone while operating. Fired for cause = no unemployment. He appealed & asked for an in-person hearing. I go to BFE, sit down in the hearing officer’s office & in walks former employee & his mother. Mom is a paralegal somewhere. Part of the process is that you have to share with the other party any documents you intend to present. I have his on-boarding; safety meeting notes w/sigs, 2 of his reprimands, etc., all addressing phone use while operating. Mom has his phone records for the last 2 months. The meeting is scheduled for an hour, mom talks the entire time.

    She says, that at the time he was allegedly witnessed (by the safety manager) talking on the phone, there wasn’t a record of the call at that time on the bill. I say that the SM estimated the time and that what about all the other calls & texts on the bill during work hours (probably 40-50 per day).

    HO ends the meeting at the appointed time, I have not presented our side. It gets rescheduled and eventually, we don’t have to pay his unemployment.

  154. John*

    Had a parent drive their child (who had a post-graduate degree) to the interview site and want to accompany them in the interview.

  155. Military Prof*

    In my first year as a college professor, I had a pair of parents call me to let me know that I would be required to give their son an oral, over-the-telephone exam in place of the final, because he would not be able to attend the in-class final. I explained that he had not filled out the necessary form to allow me to discuss his schoolwork with them, and thus, I needed to end the conversation. They asked when my office hours were–and it just so happened, I had office hours the next day from 8-9 AM. They lived more than 100 miles away, and insisted they were going to drive up. I pointed out that I still would not be able to discuss anything with them without the form in question.

    The next day, there they were. Perfectly nice people, but still–no form, no legal discussion. They insisted upon meeting the department chair, then the dean, then the community college president. Somehow, they were able to get permission to speak with me, at which point they informed me of their son’s ‘special needs’ for this exam (as if I had forgotten the demands from the day before. Of course, there’s no way I’m creating a special test for this kid, and then giving it to him over the phone, for all the reasons you can imagine. Although, it wouldn’t have made a difference on his final grade–he had not shown up to any previous exams or turned in any of other assignments, so he was running a perfect 0.0% average going into a final worth 30% of the grade in the course. It turns out, he could not come to the final exam because he had checked into an alcoholism rehabilitation in-person facility. (Which might explain why he fell into a drunken stupor the three times he had attended class–you be the judge!)

    I recommended that perhaps they should focus upon his physical and mental health, rather than the travesty of failing an introductory history course that he had failed three times in previous attempts (and dropped out of twice). Ah, the joys of community college teaching at schools with open admission. I can’t say I miss that place much. But, I do occasionally wonder whether these parents insisted upon attending group therapy sessions to tell the alcoholism counselors how to do their jobs…

    1. Jessen*

      I wonder if the parents are why the kid started drinking. That can be a hard one – if you don’t address the problems at home it’s highly unlikely the alcoholism will get under control.

    2. Dr. Doll*

      I’m giving the department chair, the dean, and the president increasing degrees of stink-eye here. Each one of them should have had the back of the person(s) below them.

      1. Military Prof*

        Actually, I’m not certain how the parents obtained the permission to speak to me, so I can’t say which, if any, of the administrators above me might have caved. The department chair and dean had offices adjacent to the adjunct office, and I didn’t see any signs of them not backing me. The president might have been the one to approve things–or perhaps the parents just browbeat their child into signing the form to give them permission. (I don’t think said child was with them, as he was in rehab, but there might be some kind of mechanism allowing a remote signature, verbal permission, etc.)

  156. VegetableLasagna*

    I got a job at a local amusement park when I was 15 and my grandma dragged me back there to demand I get a better job than “janitor” because “what if she runs into a drug addict in the bathroom” (because by her logic I guess drug addicts like to spend $30 to shoot up in bathrooms)?
    Needless to say, they decided against hiring me.

    1. Grapey*

      haha I tried a similar excuse to get out of working at a grocery store when I was 15. My dad told me to suck it up and let it build my character.

  157. Anon for this one*

    My coworker had her 15-year-old son sit in her cubicle all day recently. He just spent the day listening to music on his headphones, so it wasn’t one of those take-your-kid-to-work things; I think she just infantilizes him too much to leave him home alone. When I was a kid, a 15-year-old would have been the babysitter and not the babysittee!

    1. Betsy S*

      Heh I made my teenager do that once for a week. What I did not tell the entire office was that it was because I caught her and a friend smoking pot in the basement. As a single working mom I did not have the ability to WFH every day, but I did not want my house to turn into the neighborhood party spot for unsupervised teenagers, so I made the occasional random spot check.

      1. Anon 3:18 again*

        I admit I hadn’t thought of a situation like that. I was just a bit amazed that a kid two years younger than I was when I was turned loose on a college campus is now considered too little to be a latchkey kid in 2019!

        I’m convinced my parents would be arrested for neglect today – letting me ride a bike without a helmet, stay home alone for brief periods when I was about 9 or so, have a sip of my dad’s beer, etc!

        1. Belle8bete*

          Should have been wearing a helmet though. I know someone who died because they didn’t have on a helmet.

  158. Big Red Hair*

    Years ago, at OldOldJob, we had an employee whose parents were friends with CEO. This woman, I’ll call “Nina” was autistic, developmentally delayed, and had a host of emotional issues, including psychoaffective disorder. Her parents DID NOT treat any of these conditions; they felt that her involvement in Special Olympics sports was her “anti-anxiety drug.” I shit you not.
    Anyway, because our CEO was friends with her father and her father was REALLY BIG CLIENT TO BE WOOED, we hired her to file 3 hours a day, but her mother insisted that we keep her an extra hour for “lunch” so she could “socialize.”
    Nina tried her very best at her job and was generally pleasant, aside from the occasional meltdown or when the voices in her head were telling her strange things that she would share with the rest of us. Nina’s mother would pick her up every day and expect a written report of Nina’s daily activities, including what she ate for lunch, what she filed, etc.
    After the first week of this, I went to my boss and said I felt like I was running a day care with the reports and that they were really taking up a lot of my time. My boss agreed and met with Nina’s mother and explained we could not write detailed reports on her daughter’s job performance each day, nor were we going to write about her eating habits.
    The mother threw a fit and accused my boss of “not being compassionate to special people.” My boss has a son with Down’s Syndrome and is/was very active in the disabled community as an advocate for her son. I’d never seen my boss so upset.
    Nina worked in our office for another two years. Her mother would come in every Friday and have a standing meeting with someone in HR who was giving her weekly reports on Nina. I don’t think the lunch list was on those, though.

    1. J*

      This is my niche; one of the many roles I’ve played is an employment coach for people with disabilities so that they can find meaningful employment in the working community.
      So many people with intellectual disabilities have worked in sheltered workshop settings where those types of things DO get reported to families/caregivers every day. It is really hard for some families to accept that even though their child has a diagnoses, they are still adults.

    2. moody*

      The usual term is schizoaffective, BTW. I have that one, and during the period of my life where it was poorly controlled, I can’t imagine having to go act normal in a strange environment for 4 hours a day. Poor gal.

  159. Perfectly Cromulent*

    I once worked in a professional position where a co-worker was being let go. The supervisor packed up the employees’ cube and had arranged for a time when they could pick up their belongings. Helicopter Mom came with them and when they said they didn’t see some of their things (more along the lines of a Bic pen than anything of real or personal value) she came in, chewed out the supervisor, and demanded to go through the trashcan to make sure that nothing else had been taken.

  160. stitchinthyme*

    Not at work, but my husband’s parents have been way too involved in my brother-in-law’s life and career, although he’s about to turn 40. Because he’s never managed to hold down a job for more than a few months at a time (but it’s always someone else’s fault, of course), they once bought him his own business — a sandwich shop — so he wouldn’t have to work for someone else. They ended up doing most of the work, and sold it after less than a year. And they haven’t stopped “helping” (read: enabling) my BIL since, even though they’re so broke we have to help them with their bills.

  161. 30 Years in the Biz*

    This experience is “helicoptering adjacent”: My neighbor created a LinkedIn page for her 16 year-old son Dexter (only child). She added all his awards and certificates from middle and high school to the Accomplishments section, e.g. “First Place in 6th grade spelling bee”. The family also had personalized license plates for their cars, Dexter1, Dexter2, Dexter3. The Mom chauffeured him daily to school – he sat in in back seat. The personalized license plates disappeared around middle school. I suspect the other kids might have noticed and embarrassed him. He was a bright boy and eventually ended up at Harvard Medical School in an accelerated program to obtain an MD. I still wonder if his Mom cooked and cleaned for him at university, as it always appeared he did nothing for himself, except maybe study.

    1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      I’m assuming this didn’t apply to Dexter because he was a boy but…I was not the correct height/weight for the airbags at 16.

      I’m still technically not, but once I started driving it seemed silly to say I could ride in the driver’s seat but not the passenger seat.

  162. Kendra*

    My 39-year-old cousin still gets a phone call from my aunt every. single. morning. reminding him to get up and go to work.

    His daughter, who is just about to turn 18 (and who was also raised by my aunt & uncle), got a fast food job the day she was old enough, has already bought herself a nice used pickup, and is now saving for an apartment; I think she’s pretty determined to get out of there as soon as she can.

  163. Doctor_Octopus*

    The worst I’ve seen was my colleague’s mom coming to the office to write a grant application for her. For background I work in a large research university on a team that includes, staff (some with PhDs, like me), postdocs, and graduate students. One of my colleagues is a postdoc and also has a mother who is in a related department, who started coming to work and helping her write a major federal grant. The mom had some success with grants like this in the past, but it was still very weird. Our research supervisor kept trying to spin it as a “consulting role” for Dr. Mom but really it was just… someone’s mom writing their research grants for them? For what it’s worth MY mom is also faculty in the same field, but I would die of shame if she came to work and tried to write my grants for me. I think this is also weird for me because I’m the same age as the postdoc (Dr. Baby?) but finished my PhD and training early and worked in industry for a while, so I’m just used to a more professional (mom free) workplace.

    1. Catsaber*

      I could understand asking Dr. Mom for some advice, but letting her actually *write* the grants is bad.

      I am the daughter of some people like that, and my dad still offers to “handle things” for me – negotiate my car purchases, talk with my retirement investors, etc – because he’s just “had so much more experience.” Ummmm no thanks. As much as I detest buying cars, I still drag my ass up to that dealership and do it because I’m an adult, and I need to get my own experience!

  164. PJ*

    When I was a team lead, we had an employee in her late 20s who was a challenge. This was not a surprise to me, because the red flags were off the chart during the interview, but to my surprise, she was hired.

    She had a helicopter mom of sorts because any time *anything* happened to her, she called “Mommy.” Which was 20 to 30 times a day. Lost change in the soda machine? Mommy got a call. Didn’t like her feedback at her monthly one on one? Mommy got a call, and then called our manager. (Luckily, I never had to deal with that.)

    We worked in a highly regulated environment where phone calls were recorded. She made a simple error, and we played back the recording as a regular part of our one on ones (which were really two on ones – manager, team lead and employee). In the most supportive, encouraging way you could imagine, we told her that we ALL needed to be careful during those transactions. We even gave her tips on how we kept some of the long, repetitive info straight in our heads. Her response? “You edited that tape! You framed me! I’m calling Mommy!”

    We had an empty desk and after a while we started to joke that Mommy sat there. As often as her name was mentioned in our office, she should have come on in and taken a seat.

  165. Works in IT*

    Sprained my ankle heading to work one morning. A coworker helped me stagger to my desk and get an ice pack, then I started working. I did text dad and ask him to bring me a sandwich.

    He brought a sandwich AND MY MOTHER. She then proceeded to start yelling at me for ignoring her when she talked to me. I was in a skype conference. An important skype conference. And I was stuck in my chair and couldn’t get her to leave!

  166. Llellayena*

    Is anyone else seeing the (incredibly appropriate) ad for Father’s Day helicopter rides?

  167. Over 60 & Forever Young*

    Oh boyyy…these are jaw-dropping! Here’s mine:
    1) My hubz once owned an old fashioned soda shoppe & luncheonette, I was his right hand gal (mom & pop place in an old school neighborhood near our home). There was a never ending stream of parents who would demand that my husband give jobs to their 17-20 y.o. sons/daughters. Their offspring would sit off to the side, never answer any questions or engage in conversation (why, the parents did that of course). Part of the job(s) was to engage with the customers. Hubz relented to giving a few job opportunities, most ended in drama because of parental interference (they were there all.the.time.) One kid just quit as a no show, no notice or anything. His “well connected” uncle (think of The Godfather, we’re in a well known area of NYC, get it?) accused my hubz in a very threatening manner that he never paid the kid. Payroll records proved otherwise. When that tactic didn’t work, the kid (he was a kid) began sending threatening texts, phone calls, social media attacks full of lies. Stalking as we were closing up each day. Hubz had enough and contacted the kid’s dad who is a police detective; the dad was embarrassed and apologized profusely. The harrassment finally ended. Don’t ever let parents or family members of employees pressure you.
    2) At another job, I was a well established Admin. We hired a young intern one summer. Her mom was constantly around, barging into the office and demanding that my manager fire me (a grown woman of 45) so that her inexperienced immature daughter could have my job. Not likely, ma’am.

  168. Veryanon*

    This is the best story I have about helicopter parents.
    About 11-12 years ago, I was working in HR for a convenience store chain. The company had a grievance process that any employee could use if they had an issue or concern; probably 90% of the grievances we received were from people who felt they had been terminated unfairly. The process allowed the employee to come to the corporate office and present his or her issue to a board of high-level managers to review.
    We received one grievance from a stocking associate who was terminated from a store for unsafe practices (I forget the details, but it had something to do with the way he was stocking the milk in the cooler). First, it was really hard to contact the employee, because he did not have any kind of phone of his own and so you’d have to call his mother, leave a message on her machine (yes, an actual answering machine), and then he would call you back from a payphone. Even back then, payphones were pretty scarce.
    We finally set up the meeting. The employee shows up WITH HIS MOTHER – he was in his 50’s, and the mother was at least 80. I explain to the employee and his mother than she cannot attend the hearing and she’ll have to wait in the lobby, or she can go get something to eat and come back, or whatever. The mother proceeds to wig out, runs away from me (she was pretty fast for an 80-year old lady), and makes her way to the CEO’s office, with me in hot pursuit. She then proceeds to corner the poor CEO in his office for a good 15 minutes, explaining why her son should not have been fired, resisting all my and Security’s attempts to get her out of there.
    As a side note, the panel agreed with the employee that he was unfairly fired, and he did end up getting his job back.
    Good times.

    1. Susan*

      I have loved many stories on this page, but nothing makes me happier than picturing the spry 80-year-old

  169. Molly*

    I manage retail, so most of the people I hire are young students. For the most part they behave professionally, but every now and then I get something wild. My favorite story is the one from a few years back when a dad come in the store and quit on the spot for his daughter, who I’d hired for seasonal (holiday) help. He said that it was a toxic work environment, which the other managers and I privately thought was ridiculous, because we’d accommodated medical needs for her without issue, and she had no-showed three shifts in a row, which was grounds for termination due to job abandonment anyway. I still wonder what she told her parents was going on.

  170. RoadsLady*

    Two from two different jobs, in chronological order.

    The first was an office mate. Nice, capable woman in many regards, but unfortunately had a rather dysfunctional family. I think she had become the matriarchal martyr to keep everyone together. All of her adult children lived at home, with their partners and kids, functionally unemployed.

    I’d estimate that a third of each day was spent putting out fires at home as the kids called her for the most innane things, which she took care of.

    I began to suspect some or much of their incapabilities were her fault, though I fully admit there’s likely far more to the tangled web.

    The icing on the cake was when an adult daughter called to have her mom call 911 for her on a crime she was witnessing.

    The only reason she stayed was our manager was in a similar situation, so there was the sympathy.

    The other, an elementary school. Mom hid in the bathroom to spy on her child.

    1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      A few years back, there was a fire in an off campus apartment in the city I used to live. The fire was so bad, the trapped students had to jump out second and third story windows to survive.

      The fire was called into 911 by one of the resident’s parents, because instead of calling 911 or campus police, the sophomore or junior called Mom.

      The fire happened at night and I’ll allow, the student was probably in shock, but still.

    2. Not Gonna Say Who*

      Well into adulthood, I was rear-ended on a freeway on-ramp. I was so shaken and rattled, that I called my best friend. She said, “Did you call 911?” I sobbed, “I don’t know the number!”

      Minutes later, she (and the fire department) showed up at the scene of the accident.

      So yeah, trauma can do that to you.

      1. RoadsLady*

        True, but as I recall this wasn’t anything particularly traumatic.

        Then again, the woman struggled to function as an adult, so it may have been stressful enough.

    3. RoadsLady*

      Oh, nope.

      That was far from cake icing.

      Once one of her kids was stuck in traffic, called to complain to Mom… Who called 911 and berated the dispatcher for not sending people out to take care of the traffic.

      We’re not in so classically urban an area we get truly awful traffic.

  171. Properlike*

    I had helicopter husbanding in an academic office. A husband and wife came in, and he was asking all the questions about programs, payments, etc even though she was going to be the student (and was a English-speaking.) He didn’t like it when I talked directly to her or asked her questions… I finally had to say, “Sir, if she’s going to be a student, she will have to speak for herself because as an instructor, I legally can’t talk to you.” The wife seemed pleased. He very much wasn’t.

    1. stitchinthyme*

      Kind of a tangent, but this reminded me of something that happened to me once.

      It was summertime and I had a job interview. I’d forgotten to charge my phone, so I left it at home. I thought I left plenty of time to get to the interview, but I took a wrong turn (doubly embarrassing because this was pretty close to home) and ended up arriving 10-15 minutes late — and was unable to call to let them know because I didn’t have my phone. I finally got there, sweating profusely from the heat and nerves; the company owner was kind and offered to reschedule, but I declined and we went ahead with the interview. It had started late in the day and the company owner was a talker, so by about 7pm I was still there. The phone rang and the owner answered it, then said with a bemused look, “It’s for you.”

      Turned out to be my husband, who was worried because he’d expected me home long before and thought I’d gotten into a car accident or something. He’d found the info about where I was on my computer screen and seen that I didn’t have my phone, so he decided to call; he didn’t expect that the owner of the company would actually answer. (It was a small company and everyone else had left for the day.) I was *so* mortified! I did get the job, though.

  172. Lumen*

    The managing director who hired his son as an intern for several summers. His son who had no interest in the industry the company served.

    Though is that helicopter parenting or just good old fashioned nepotism?

    1. Beth*

      Nepotism. It’s closer to helicopter parenting if he sets it up for someone else to hire his kid somewhere else that he does not directly control.

  173. I Play for Work*

    I work in a completely male-dominated field in a very desirable and supposedly “fun” company. Every year, we have a slew of wannabe interns and hires knocking at our door because OMG I WANNA MAKE GAMES.
    Just two weeks ago, I was in a coffee shop and a woman stopped me to say, “I know you work at (company).”
    I asked how she knew. She said, “Well, I sat in front of their offices and watched people come and go and then saw that you always carried (brand cup) coffee and I had to go to a few of (that shop) to find you but I have!”
    I was really skeeved out. She then hands me her son’s resume and says “my son just graduated with a degree in computer science and he lives for video games so could you get him an interview?”
    I left the resume right there on the table in front of her and told her if her son had any interest, he needed to apply online like anyone else.
    She followed me to my car, telling me her son “has autism and can’t handle the pressure of applying only to be rejected.”
    I told her I was leaving and the conversation was over.
    She flipped me off as I drove away.

      1. I Play for Work*

        Yup. We’ve had people show up in the office without an appointment asking for a tour and the calls and Tweets to “meet with someone” are endless. So much so that most people who work here have abandoned their Twitters and LinkedIn.

        Also, fans are insane.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      That is creepy as all get out. And she flipped you off after all that no less.

    3. LaDeeDa*

      WHOA!!! I work with a local Spectrum society, and I will tell you, while they don’t read social clues well, they f-ing follow directions to a T. Her kid would never have flipped anyone off, ever.

      2. I Play for Work*

        The mother flipped me off. I never met the son. The mom took it upon herself to stalk me to try and get me to take a resume for her kid.
        I don’t care if he’s autistic or whatever, this behavior on the part of the parent is insane.
        If he can’t “handle applying and being rejected himself” she needs to parent him and help him work on those skills or find a professional who can.

  174. AJK*

    I went from high school straight into full-time work, and I was still eighteen when I was hired as an airline ticket counter agent. I loved the job, but of the downsides was the potential for unplanned, mandatory overtime when there were delays or other issues. I did not have a car for the first few months, which caused a few issues since the transit options were inconvenient and I worked a lot of strange hours. One weekend evening I had asked my father to pick me up after work, but delays started to pile up and my supervisor put everyone on mandatory overtime. This was in the days before my father had a cell phone, so I had no way to reach him to tell him I’d be late. He arrived to pick me up and when I wasn’t there, he came into the airport (left the car running outside) and yelled at me in front of all of the customers asking why I wasn’t ready to go. I was so embarrassed, and it was even worse when my supervisor – who’d seen the whole thing – told me nicely that it was okay if I had to go home, he understood. I felt about two inches tall.
    On the way home my Dad apologized and offered to loan me the remaining money for the down payment on a car (I had about 2/3rds of it at that point) and the issue never came up again. It was a long time before I lived that down with my co-workers, though.

    1. Observer*

      That must have been deadly embarrassing. But your father gets credit for realizing that he was wrong and helping you find a way to avoid it happening again. Not typical helicoptering, I would say.

  175. Scientician*

    I’m an academic, so work for me involves teaching (college students).

    The worst case I saw was one term about 15 years ago when the registrar had double booked the room for our final exam, so both our class and another class were scheduled for the same room that wasn’t big enough for all. We got all of the students in our class who had any other final exams that day into a small room controlled entirely by our department and set up a TA to administer their exams within 5 minutes of the start time. For everyone else — for whom, remember, this was their only exam that day — it took a while longer to straighten out. The final ruling from the dean was that our class had priority for the scheduled room, and we got the other class moved elsewhere, but it took almost 30 minutes before they were able to start. Obviously, we told the students that they’d have the full allotted time for their exam, based on whenever they were actually able to start. So, for example, if the exam had been scheduled for 9-11, and they didn’t get to start until 9:30, they’d have until 11:30. And we kept the students updated on what had been figured out and what the contingencies were.

    Most students were fine and rolled with it.

    One of them called their parents to complain about how stressful the situation was. Those parents then looked up contact information for the person in charge of the course, and called him to complain about the stress was ruining their child’s medical career future. During that half hour when we were trying to figure out which class had to move, and if it was us, where we would be moving to. Which, if anything, just made it take longer, as he couldn’t work on resolving the problem while talking to them.

    All I could think was “If this student can’t handle the stress of their only exam on a day starting half an hour late, what on Earth makes you think they’re going to survive medical school or residency?”

    1. Observer*

      All I could think was “If this student can’t handle the stress of their only exam on a day starting half an hour late, what on Earth makes you think they’re going to survive medical school or residency?”

      Really! People can be incredibly short sighted.

  176. sheworkshardforthemoney*

    I worked at a summer work/study site for university age kids, (19-24) . They lived in the camp for two weeks and then another group would come. Most parents dropped their kid and their luggage off at the main gate and left. One parental unit came to the registration desk with their kid, got their room assignment, inspected it, came back and toured the whole facility. And didn’t leave the site for the rest of the day. They hung around and hung around. I think they finally left when it was getting dark because they had to drive back roads to get home. They kept their kid with them the whole time so the poor kid missed the first meetings with their fellow students.

  177. Pomona Sprout*

    Just want to say how much I’m enjoying reading these stories! I tried to comment on a couple of things, but the reply function isn’t working for me right now (I click on “reply” but the post I want to reply to just reloads–reply box never pops up.) Hope this is just a momentary fluke!

  178. Tuna Casserole*

    I work at a small public library. We had a front desk clerk who was 18 or 19, who missed an astonishing number of shifts. She would call after her shift was supposed to have started and give an excuse like “My mom needs me to look after my siblings” or “My mom told me to stay home to clean the house.” The manager would go over the schedule with her and stress that she needed to be there on time, for the whole shift. She would agree, then start missing shifts again. The manager had to let her go. A few days later, the manager gets a rambling phone call from the mom, who berates the manager for firing her daughter, and also for hiring her in the first place. I heard some time later that the ex-employee had gotten married. It was an arranged marriage.

  179. TiffanyAching*

    We had a former employee who thought that her pay stubs were wrong, and set up a meeting with her mom, her mom’s accountant, and our payroll manager to go over them.

    The pay stubs were right, the employee just didn’t think that we should be taking out the statutory, mandatory taxes.

    1. QueenB*

      Well, you could have always set the Nac Mac Feegle on them. Although I doubt they’d be in favour of taxes either.

  180. lizzy*

    When I taught HS, I had a long convo with a dad at parent/teacher night. He mentioned that he laid out his junior year son’s clothes every night and hired another HS student to wake the boy up every morning.

    The school had a good system of escalating consequences for missing the morning prayers (it was a Jewish school)/school start time, missing homework etc. Dad short circuited all that to prevent any discomfort for the boy and then wondered why the son could not function.

  181. Deb Morgan*

    I have no idea how true this story is, but my old retail buddies used to tell the story of someone coming in to the store and making the customer service desk make this announcement on the loudspeaker: “Aaron, please come to the customer service desk your…step mom is here?” Aaron bursts out from the back room shouting, “SHE’S NOT MY REAL MOM!”

  182. lizzy*

    Re the long thread above about filling in job applications and tossing any that mom or dad helped with.
    I work in a library.
    We help adults almost every day with online applications. Yes, we help with the parts: navigating to the application and how to upload things, etc.
    But a surprising number need help with how to list previous jobs, what they are looking for with the screening questions, and even some of the basic demographic stuff, etc.

    It is just intimidating and some folks lack confidence and appreciate someone to consult with. We are very careful NOT to do it for them but to say, they want to know the name of your previous employer (the company name) here, the phone number of the employer (not the boss’s home phone) here, etc.

  183. Oo-de-lally*

    Once I had a coworker whose mom would come in and clean the office kitchen. She also told me that she and her mom shared underwear sometimes. Because they were the same size.

    2. Artemesia*

      So much for the ‘your mother doesn’t work here, clean up after yourself signs.’

  184. Blarg*

    This was actually great. My buddy and I were both RAs. I was offered a big deal summer internship with a specific end date. They hadn’t scheduled RA training for the fall, but they said I could take the internship since I was returning staff. Two weeks before the end of the season, I get a call from college: you have to be at training next week. I remind them they gave me permission. In writing. They don’t care. I’m freaking out — I leave my program in the lurch, ruin relationships, etc. If I don’t leave, I’m homeless when I get back to school.

    My buddy worked for the university over the summer doing labor — moving furniture, etc. Took zero days off all summer. His parents came to college city to celebrate his bday. This was a big expense for them. First time to college city. He was thrilled. College changes mind; he can’t have the day off to spend with his mom. His mom was incredulous. She marched into Residence Life and explained to the director. She was sure there was a misunderstanding. There was not. She announced she didn’t want her son working for them.

    We talked. We both quit. We got an apartment together. The building we were assigned to was short half their staff.

    It sounds helicopter-y, but honestly it was just great. She just could not believe that they’d back out on letting a guy see his mom. It was hard making ends meet without room and board, and I ended up dropping out of school at the semester break. But I have no regrets and have three degrees now.

    2. Scarlett10is*

      OMG! Former RA and former RA supervisor here. That is just bananas; I would never have let either of those things happen to my staff member even if it meant I had to fill in for them and do their share of opening responsibilities myself. SMH that is such a failure of student support.

  185. Dina*

    I work at an LGBTIQA+ youth organisation, so most of the helicopter parenting we see is from parents of service users. But I must say, I far prefer them to the parents who kick their kids out of home, misgender them, and otherwise abuse them.

  186. Maude*

    Nothing to do with work but one time after foot surgery and recovery, I wanted to buy some cute new fashion boots. Mother was visiting so she came along. I was not sure of the fit of the boots due to the effects of the surgery so while I was making up my mind Mother dropped to her knees and prodded the boots asking where my big toe was, exactly like she did when I was 8 and incapable of sizing my own footwear. I hollered What are you doing?? She didn’t seem embarrassed. I bought the boots but I knew every time I put them on I’d remember Mother’s ridiculous display, so I returned them a few days later.

    However I am thankful she has always kept out of my workplace and university business!

  187. Winry Rockbell*

    My parents were really quite hands-off with me, and I’ve always had a lot of freedom and a lot of responsibility. My jobs and schoolwork have always been my own business. Except this one time.

    When I was 16, I worked at a fast food place, let’s call it WcRonald’s, after school and on weekends. I was scheduled to work a 9-hr shift on Christmas Eve. At the end of my shift, my relief came in drunk as a monk, and I agreed to stay (to my parents’ chagrin – I generally didn’t walk home after dark, since Wc’s was in a badly lit area of town next to a major highway) for another 4 hours, when our city curfew started. My parents came to get me, and Wc’s wouldn’t let me clock out until I’d finished the dishes. I was annoyed, but fine. Half an hour later, my parents were in the restaurant asking for me and I’d finished the dishes, and I was then told that I couldn’t leave until after I’d cleaned the lobby. I’d been at Wc’s for all of Christmas Eve, it was 11 at night, and my parents were *livid*. My dad went off on the manager. It was not great, but the only reason my manager allowed me to leave was to get my father out of the building.

    I am still grateful for that, to be honest. It was my last Christmas before going to college, and my childhood home burned down two years after that. I am so blessed to be able to remember Christmas from that year properly, and not just as stressful WcRonald’s hellscape.

    1. Observer*

      Your father was right. Your manager was being a piece of trash on a power trip, and needed someone to take him down a notch or two.

      For all the people who will react with “Oh, your father should have COACHED you” NO. There is a time and a place for everything. And while it’s not common, there ARE times where being an advocate is the right role to play.

      1. Anon From Here*

        If you can’t see the difference between an 18-year-old adult with a pay dispute, and a 16-year-old minor being physically held after their shift was supposed to end, past the city curfew time, on a major holiday, I don’t know what to tell you.

  188. Rebecca*

    When I was 22, just graduated from my undergrad, I went to Korea to teach. Most of us were about that age, in our first jobs out of university. One of my colleagues’ mother came with her to Korea. Like, got on the plane, moved into her apartment, cooked her dinner, walked her to work and picked her up – on another continent. She came to our afterwork dinners with us. I can’t imagine she was enjoying herself hanging out with drunk 22 year olds. She – and therefore her daughter – never came to the bars afterwards. Lots of our friends and families took advantage of a vacation with free accommodation while we were there, but my parents stayed in my apartment for a week and a half, 6 months after I arrived, and didn’t go anywhere near my school. When this woman’s mother left, about 2 months into her contract, she went sort of wild. She engaged in some pretty dangerous behaviours – like, she asked me to teach her how to buy and use condoms *after* she’d had 9 or 10 one night stands. For the rest of the year I knew her, she was socially a little off, awkward, didn’t have a ton of boundaries, especially around romantic or sexual relationships, and had this weird combination of going too far with some dangerous stuff while also being really naive and uneducated about some stuff. It really reinforced to me how lucky I was that my parents had started letting me have freedom to figure stuff out early and gradually. When it hit her all at once, she didn’t really know what to do with it.

    1. Observer*

      It really reinforced to me how lucky I was that my parents had started letting me have freedom to figure stuff out early and gradually. When it hit her all at once, she didn’t really know what to do with it.

      This is the thing that parents need to realize. So, so, soooo important!

  189. Oof*

    My husband is recovering from the helicoptering of my mother in law, but unfortunately his younger sister is still living under her roof and subject to her constant smothering. My sister in law is in her 20s and my mother in law demands an “I arrived at work safely” text every day when she gets to work (which is only about 15 minutes away from where they live). One day recently my sister in law forgot to text when she arrived and didn’t check her phone for awhile because she was, you know, working… My mother in law called the OFFICE too make sure my sister in law arrived at work, and her boss answered and became quite annoyed. My mother in law was told she should not be calling her daughter on the office number unless it’s an emergency, to which my mother in law replied, “I’m her mother, you can’t tell me not to worry”. Thankfully my sister in law is saving up to move out later this year. And my mother in law wonders why her son, my husband, moved across the country when he was 19 and never looked back…

  190. Anon for this*

    Former child of a Helicopter Parent (er well… turns out that my mom was also abusive and controlling throughout my child and early adulthood)! Here are some gems:

    – My mom called and yelled at the new GM of a restaurant where I had worked for over 2 years in high school and college. This was after he told me (quite rudely) that he wasn’t going to take any seasonal employees, so I couldn’t work there on breaks from college. I found out she had done that through the other employees when I popped in to say hi. My mom ruined that reference and it was originally a stellar one.

    – My mom and my university coordinated with my work study supervisor for my mom to call when I would be in work for my first day. And this call wasn’t a kind, ‘happy first day of work, sweetie!’… I was a senior (21 yrs old) and avoiding my mom’s calls after a big fight. It was rough and I ended up silently crying on the phone. When the call ended, my new supervisor told me that I really needed to call my mom more often, she was worried sick about me, and ‘she really does love you, you know’.

    Don’t worry, she doesn’t even know where I live anymore, so I’m in the clear for any future phone call mishaps.

  191. Artemesia*

    When I was a kid starting out over 50 years ago, I always managed to get summer jobs and could pay my tuition with the money BUT the plum jobs that paid really well always went to peers whose parents go them the jobs. And over my life I have noticed that the really promising jobs go to the children of the well connected. I know a number of people who made careers that were high paying on Wall Street — every one of them was a child of a big shot who got their start because Dad got them the job; people in these high rolling firms help each other out by hiring each other’s kids. Now there are people, notable very strong students from Ivies who manage to get hired on their own, but the norm seems to be connections. The same is to a large extend true with high paying legal jobs. So I can understand why some parents feel they have to micromanage their kids’ careers; it works to get the foot on the ladder (and we well know to get the kid into prestigious schools)

    1. Observer*

      There is a major difference between what you are describing and helicoptering. Yes, it’s possible for parents to pull strings without being helicopters.

      As unfair as it might be, I do totally understand why a parent would use their influence to help their kid get an advantage. The problem is that helicoptering doesn’t actually serve your kid’s interests in the long term, unlike getting your kid into a high value program, firm, etc.

  192. Goya de la Mancha*

    We deal with a lot of high school and early college kids at my job. Most of the helicopters we see are almost expected (unlike in a more professional setting). Typical things like talking/asking questions for the child, filling out applications/hiring paperwork. It’s almost refreshing to have a parent come in with a child and hang back while the child asks for the application/questions.

    We did have one dad (who deemed himself a pretty big name in the community) call and toot his son’s horn during the interview process one year. The supervisor almost didn’t hire the kid based on that call. She ended up hiring him, and he ended up being a decent employee. She told him at one point though that his dad nearly cost him the job, so hopefully he got the hint.

  193. Lizzy*

    I have a co-worker that is the worst helicopter parent I have ever seen!
    1. When he started college 45 mins away, he fell asleep and didn’t answer his phone, so she called the police to do a wellness check on him and the police showed up to his dorm to a sleeping kid.
    2. When he goes to the doctor, kid is 19-20 at this point, she got mad at the doctor because he wouldn’t let her sit in the visit and would not give her the results of his test. She always made his appointments and still sees his pediatrician.
    3. He is now 23 and still buys his clothes, washes them and irons them in the morning. She just recently stopped preparing him lunch.
    4. She wakes him up everyday to go to work.
    5. She once called his college recruiter to find out why her son was not considered for a position and it turns out the kid didn’t even apply, so she immediately applied for him.
    6. He wasn’t allowed to date anyone while he was in college b/c that would make him not focus in school and would be on punishment if he did
    7. She won’t leave him home alone (he’s 24) so if she gotta be out the house early, so does he.

  194. TW: Post mentions self harm, depression*

    When I was 25 I started graduate school at a time that was not right for me, after a year of tragedy and enormous stress, and by the end of my first semester I fell into a depressive episode and made an attempt on my life. My husband took me to the hospital for in-patient treatment and my mother called my graduate school to explain that I needed some additional time to take exams. My teachers refused to speak with her, which on principle I understand, but I was in no state to speak for myself.

    By the time I got out of the hospital I had received a failing grade for the final exam I never took, because the teacher wouldn’t bend the rules enough to talk to a parent whose child had self-admitted to psychiatric care. At that point all I wanted was a fresh start, so I dropped out and honestly I am so happy I did. It wasn’t the right choice for me and I’m much better suited to where I landed.

    I don’t know that this counts as helicoptering. I was in my mid-20’s, but incapacitated, and even the stress of trying to dial my teacher’s phone number caused me to have spiraling panic attacks. Sometimes I wish they’d at least heard her out, rather than just refusing point blank to talk to her at all.

    1. Alfonzo Mango*

      That doesn’t count as helicoptering? Youre missing the point- helicoptering is unnecessary- no one said what your mother did was too extra.

  195. Mom please don't!*

    Thankfully I was able to head off this bit of helicopter parenting before it came to fruition, but:

    When I had my first summer internship in college, I was working for a non-profit in an industry that is notorious for not allowing much time off (I have since left that industry). I had to work the day of my cousin’s wedding, since our typical work week was Tuesday through Sunday. I asked (months in advance) if I could take that day off, was told no, decided to accept the internship anyways and miss the wedding. A week or so after I told my mother this, she suggested that she contact the director of the non-profit and offer to make a donation… in exchange for me getting that day off. She said she thought the non-profit would be delighted to receive a donation and wouldn’t care what the strings attached were.

    I was HORRIFIED and told her that under no circumstance should she contact my work for any reason, let alone to offer something like this. She listened to me, thankfully, but it really shocked me! I am happy to report that she has never suggested anything similar since then, and I prefer to consider this a moment of temporary insanity for her.

  196. Serin*

    In college I did some in-home organizing work for a wealthy woman with a prominent husband, which was a trip in many ways.

    She had two college-aged daughters. The younger one drifted home for a bit, drifted away to follow the Grateful Dead for a bit … the kind of thing you can do if your parents will pay all your expenses with no questions asked.

    But the older one wanted to be independent. She enrolled in a university in the nearest big city, and took an apartment nearby.

    Her parents bought the apartment complex and became her landlords.

  197. Boundaries Are Important Ya'll*

    I’m going through this right now! I am the trainer at my organization and we have recently (one month ago) hired the (adult) child of another employee. Here’s what has happened so far –

    – (Adult) Child refused to bring in their social security card without (Parent) Employees approval.
    – (Parent) Employee has requested (Adult) Child’s insurance paperwork be given to them.
    – (Parent) Employee gave (Adult) Child permission to work shifts they were not scheduled for. (Parent) Employee does not get to do that.
    – (Adult) Child sent me multiple emails from (Parent) Employees email asking for password access to confidential databases (read: protected client files and HR system).
    – Between 4:30P last night and 9:00A this morning: (Parent) Employee called my personal cellphone 5 times with 5 voicemails, texted me, called my desk phone once, contacted the front desk looking for me, contacted my coworker looking for me with a “training emergency.” They told everyone they had a question about “Training Q.” They are well aware they do not need Training Q. I called back at 9:30A – turns out they really had a question about Training Y for (Adult) Child. When I responded that (Adult) Child can contact me about their own employment needs, (Adult) Child and I have spoken multiple times, your own position requires neither Training Q nor Training Y, (Parent) Employee switched tactics to: “(Adult) Child is confused.” “I’M ASKING YOU A PROFESSIONAL QUESTION.” “Fine, (Adult) Child will call you right now.”

    I’ve decided I will let (Parent) Employee’s phone call count reach around 7-8 before I return them. At minimum, I will always call back the following day. Boundaries are important ya’ll.

  198. SezU*

    Years ago, before helicopter parenting was really as much of a thing as it is now, moms would frequently accompany their child to the retail store where I worked and help them fill out the applications. Those got tossed right away.
    (And I know this is NOTHING compared to some of what people see now!)

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      This ended up seriously derailing, but it’s an interesting discussion and I don’t want to remove the hundreds of comments that resulted — but I also don’t want it being the first comment on this post, so I’m moving it to the bottom of the page.

    2. Less Bread More Taxes*

      Eh is this really so bad? My mom did the same thing for my first job ever when I was a naive, scared 16 year old (albeit at home, not at the store). Obviously it depends on the extent to which the moms were helping… but I don’t think this counts exactly.

        1. RUKiddingMe*

          Yeah, this. I helped my son with his first couple/few while teaching him how to do it…but it was at home, in private, and…in his handwriting not mine.

      2. Amber T*

        Me too. My first job was at a retail store we frequented. Before walking in one day, I had said “it would be cool to work here” without thinking much of it. When we were checking out, my mom asked if they were hiring and had applications for me. I filled it out there in the store and had to ask my mom what my social was. Still got the job!

        1. The Blue Marble*

          I was at our local mall with my daughter when she was 16. She was asking me to buy her stuff and I got exasperated and told her to “go get a job.” We were standing outside a shoe store. She immediately turned around, walked into the store, asked for an application and completed it. I told her not to hold her breath about getting hired. Of course not only did she get the job, she was promoted to Assistant Manager after one year.

              1. Mystery*

                I always feel like there are two people in this world. People who have to take care of other little humans and people who have only been taken care of by other humans. Lots of times the ones who have only been in the “child” role, only see the interactions from a child’s perspective whereas a lot of (not all) caretakers can see both sides. It is a type of situation you can only experience to understand.

                I see a lot of really bad “parenting” advice to teenagers from adults who have never had kids in the more liberal circles I run it. It is not a condemnation – but more like a “hey you have never actually been in the parent perspective, so may you are not the best on this topic” kind of thing.

                1. Artemesia*

                  I have more than once heard men laugh about their ridiculous mother or sister and how ‘she always takes a thermometer on vacations, and extra pajamas for a simple weekend, can you believe it?’ And I shake my head and think, there is a guy who has never been responsible for another human being; it is doubly sad if it is a man saying such things about his wife.

                2. GibbsRule18*

                  Um….maybe 3 people in this world or 5 or a million???? Maybe I’m misreading…I don’t have children and I take care of people and I’m not taken care of and I understand that parenting is HARD. You don’t know why I don’t have children…maybe I can’t.

                3. Ego Chamber*

                  Why is it so offensive to some parents to suggest that it isn’t okay to lash out at a child just because you’re having a bad day?

                  Everybody has bad days and reactions poorly sometimes. It’s an understandable reaction, but that doesn’t make it okay, and it’s by no means a necessary aspect of parenting that a non-parent could never ever hope to understand. You’re only teaching your kids to do the same thing (bully people that have less power than them, who are dependent on them) and it’s a sign of poor emotional fluency/control.

                  Some people are really, really bad at managing their damage and you shouldn’t have to be a parent to call that out.

                4. Inch*

                  I think other commenters are just pointing out the fundamental difference in perspective that is illustrated by some people reading this anecdote as an example of successful parenting (“I told her to get a job and she did!”) while other people read it as an example of someone “lashing out at a child just because they’ve had a bad day” and as “bullying” their child. You might object to the speculation that the difference arises from having a child/not having a child, but it seems clear two diametrically opposed perspectives exist, and that’s kind of remarkable.

                5. TechWorker*

                  How is it ‘lashing out’ at a teenager to say they should get a job if they want to be able to buy things..? That’s just.. reasonable advice.,.

                6. Jules the 3rd*

                  It’s the “I told her not to hold her breath about getting hired.”

                  I would totally tell my kid to go get a job if he wanted to buy something extravagant. I would never then undermine him with a comment like that. Never.

                  I am a parent, and I hope Blue Marble was just having a bad day, because that is really sad.

                7. Rhoda*

                  That’s rather patronising and condescending.
                  Such a gotcha moment; if you don’t have kids your opinion is worthless.

                  Don’t really think empathy for children is a terrible thing. And as the comments below show there are some really worrying parents in this world; so having kids doesn’t bestow instant expertise. Look at anti-vaxers and their nonsense; having kids doesn’t mean we should listen to them.

                8. Dontlikeunfairrules*

                  Wait. -huh? Parenting advice from parents who aren’t parents with kids of the non parents?

                  Me thinks you left out a key component to your comment. That, or I can’t wrap my head around your riddle .

                9. Yikes*

                  Ahhh, the classic “if you don’t have kids you couldn’t possibly understand the complexities of parenting” mantra. Not only is it condescending, it’s also extremely inaccurate!

                  Not to mention, there are multitudes of parents who are absolutely terrible at parenting, so if having kids suddenly makes you a parenting expert, I guess they missed the memo.

                10. Reluctant Manager*

                  There are two kinds of people in the world: the ones who divide people into two groups, and the ones who don’t.
                  .

                11. poolgirl*

                  Here we go again, another parent who condescends to all other people that aren’t parents, as if no one can possibly understand. Tell me, if another person who was a parent disagreed with you, what would be your excuse then? Also, according to your logic, maybe only people who are ex-presidents should really comment on what kind of job the president does, since that is the hardest job in the world.

                12. Cordoba*

                  I’m not a pilot, but I know enough about flying that when I see a helicopter upside-down in a tree I know somebody is doing it wrong.

                13. Pommette!*

                  Honestly, I’ve met plenty of parents who were unable to sympathize with, or imagine the perspectives of, other parents who weren’t in their exact circumstances – and who weren’t shy about being judgmental (“I’m a parent and I would never XYZ!”). And plenty who somehow lost all understanding and sympathy for children dependent on adult care once they weren’t the child in the relationship anymore.

                  Having a baby doesn’t transform unimaginative people who lack sympathy for others and curiosity about others’ perspectives.

                14. Observer*

                  @Ego Chamber, that’s a real stretch. It doesn’t sound like The Blue Marble was lashing out at her daughter. Telling a kid, who is CLEARLY capable, to get a job is not lashing out or abusive.

                15. Observer*

                  @Jules the third, that’s not lashing out. That’s realistic advice, albeit not entirely accurate. Especially if you’re not used to the way retail works. Keep in mind that in most fields walking into the business and asking for an application is NOT a really good way to get a job.

                  So it’s not “I think you’re to inept to score the great advantage of a job” as much as “Employers don’t much like hiring people who walk in the door.”

              1. Jack Be Nimble*

                I think saying “don’t hold your breath” is pretty discouraging, unless we’re missing some context about the teen in question throwing an enormous tantrum in the store in view of the employees.

                1. Madge*

                  This isn’t a verbatim record of the conversation, it’s a snappy summary with a hint of snark. This is how some parents tell stories about their kids. Most parents smile and nod along. In real life it was probably more kindly phrased.

                2. Thursday Next*

                  Phrased this way, it highlights *mom’s* comeuppance. She’s showing us how wrong she was, and her pride in her daughter.

                3. BenAdminGeek*

                  +1 to Thursday Next’s comment. It’s a rhetorical flourish not a transcript.

                4. Tenebrus*

                  I think it kind of depends on how she said it? “Don’t hold your breath. *eyeroll*” is pretty different than “Don’t hold your breath, honey, these stores get a lot of applications.”

                5. Dragoning*

                  It’s still kind of a jerk thing to say–you asked her to get a job, so she made a step towards getting one, but now you’re going to cut her down for that, or try to give her “realistic” expectations?

                6. Jedi Librarian*

                  Ehhh not necessarily. My mom’s told that to me for plenty of things, and usually it’s just a warning to think realistically. I’m not saying that’s what The Blue Marble was doing but I don’t think it’s a phrase to get concerned about.

                7. D'Arcy*

                  My parents undermined the *hell* out of me when I signed up for EMS training, openly telling me that I’d fail because I had no practical skills and *needed* to stick to academia (they’d always railroaded me *hard* for STEM), plus a lot of snide comments about “wasting my time” with a job that was “below my intelligence” (again, because it wasn’t prestigious STEM work).

                8. Anna*

                  I think you’re missing the point, but cool. This is “she really showed me” story; not a “I was pretty surprised since she sucks” story.

                9. Pommette!*

                  I see what you mean, and think that it could for sure be said in a discouraging and undermining way.

                  But depending on how it was said, and on how it fits with the way the parent normally talks, I think that “don’t hold your breath” could also be completely fine. I read the interaction differently than you did. I assumed that the mother was helping her daughter manage expectations, and that the “unsaid but implied” text went something like this:

                  Daughter (proudly): I applied. Now I have a job. Showed you!
                  Mother (kindly): Yeah, about that… finding work can be difficult. Applying doesn’t mean that you got the job.

                10. Observer*

                  @Pommette! is right, I think. Especially since Mom finishes off in a very “she certainly showed me!” way.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                Yep. Awesome daughter. And OP, you knew just when to nudge. You nudged and her wings went out and she flew. Good for both of you.

            4. J Kate*

              I hope it was more of a “don’t get your hopes up on this particular job” rather than “you’re probably not good enough for this job.”

            5. JSPA*

              It’s exactly the same advice Alison gives: after you apply, put it out of your mind, and let it be a happy surprise if it happens. And we’re talking about a 16 year old, applying with no forethought or planning, first ever application, completed in a few moments. In any but the hottest economy, that’s really not a likely hire.

            6. Observer*

              Why is this sad?

              Daughter sounds like she’s got her head screwed on the right way.

          2. irene adler*

            Kudos to you for raising such a capable daughter!!
            Kudos to daughter for stepping up and not whining about “the way life is”.

          4. Blue Horizon*

            Your daughter sounds kind of awesome.

            (Which, for those that missed it, is the point of the story. Parents are humans, and we get tired and grumpy and have bad days and behave in ways that we aren’t proud of after the fact. Because we are the parents, we often get to have things our way even when we aren’t really in the right. But kids grow and develop all the time and are constantly surprising you, and once in a while they will turn the tables in an awesome way like this that might feel annoying in the moment, but helps remind you after the fact how great they really are. So you make it into a story, and tell it to people. Your kid likes it because the punchline involves them getting one over on their parents, and you like it because it’s really a brag story about them, which you are normally NOT ALLOWED to tell because they are SO EMBARRASSING, and everyone is happy because they feel like they’re getting away with something.)

      3. Autumnheart*

        Yeah, I’m not sure I would count this either, especially for a teenager. It would be weird if a mom had, say, picked up an application and filled it out for the kid while they had no say in the matter, or for a clearly adult offspring, but tutoring a kid on how to fill out an application seems like a reasonable parenting responsibility.

        1. Alienor*

          Yeah, I think that’s pretty normal for a teenager just starting to figure things out. I helped my daughter with paperwork when she was in the 16-17 age range, and by the time she started college she’d transitioned to doing it herself with the occasional question. (For that matter, I’m in my late 40s and the other day I had to ask a colleague what was supposed to go in a confusing field on an electronic form at work. Maybe I should hand in my adult card. :-P)

          1. Busy*

            Yeah, there is nothing wrong with helping a child do this the first time. Look at like it training. Now if the parents tags a long to the interview or calls the store or hands it in*, then that is different.

            *caveat: if the person applying has some kind of disability only another adult can explain, then it would make sense for the adult to accompany.

            1. Works in IT*

              When I was applying for retail jobs I never had any idea what to put for my address. Um do you want the address of my apartment in my area where I never check the mail or do you want the address that’s not a local address where I will actually check my mail?

      4. stitchinthyme*

        My mother didn’t accompany me to the first place I worked (I was also 16). I filled out the application and got the job all on my own, and she never had anything to do with my place of work. She figured that if I was old enough to work, I was old enough to handle any issues with it on my own. I wouldn’t have even considered going to her for help with anything work-related.

        1. New Job So Much Better*

          Same here. Would never have occurred to either of us that she would be involved.

        2. Dust Bunny*

          My first non-seasonal job, I applied and never heard back, then went out of town for a summer job. While I was gone, my mom saw that the place I’d applied was still hiring and went in to tell them I’d applied–what was the deal? They called me in when I got back. I was there for three years.

          The application was pages and pages of weird questions and psychological stuff, which was a clue that the owner was bonkers. But my coworkers were great.

          Sometimes being unwilling to interview anyone but *just the right* candidate says more about hiring practices than it does about applicants.

        3. Cindy Featherbottom*

          Same. My mom drove me there since I didn’t have my license or learners permit yet but I went in and filled out the application and interviewed on my own for my first job. At some point, you have to have enough confidence in yourself to be able to handle things on your own, even if you don’t how to do something. There are so many things in adulthood that you have to be able to figure out on your own. Applying for a job on your own is a great first step for teenagers. I wish more parents would let their kids figure this stuff out (and maybe that means messing up!). I dont necessarily look down on kids who bring in their parents for guidance with their first job, but if they are hovering too much or are the ones to ask ALL of the questions about how to apply, it is really hard to look past that. We had one parent who NEVER let us talk to her daughter about getting a job. She kept trying to handle it all for her. It got to a point where when the Mom asked again about why her daughter was having a hard time finding a job in our field, I finally looked at her and said “If SHE wants a job then SHE needs to be asking about it, not you. Let her figure it out. You’re not helping…”. That was the last time she asked.

          1. CatMintCat*

            I drove my daughter to her first interview. She didn’t have a licence and the bus didn’t work for the interview time (it was fine for working hours and that’s how she got to work until she was driving). However, I sat in the car and read my paper while she went inside and did what she had to. One of the reasons she got the job was that her mother wasn’t in the interview with her. She was 18.

        4. Busy*

          This has a whole lot of the “pulling up the boot straps” and not a lot of “people have different life experiences” kind of statement.

          You have NEVER asked your parent for work advice? Ever? Not even what a W2 was for? I doubt that if parents were present and functioning young people didn’t ask them for help on how to fill out paperwork. This stuff isn’t intuitive, and you are not being kind to people who ask for help.

          I will say 100% I am a boot strap pulling momma who got her own jobs, bought her own house, takes care of her kids alone, enrolled herself in school, and does it all without much a sweat being broken. AND even I, warrior of women, have asked my mother for help with work paperwork. The is not shame is asking for helping or helping others when someone doesn’t know.

          It is not like these kids are taking their parents into interviews or having them call in for updates. They are asking their parents for help with something that they have never had to do before.

          I am not even going to point out how odd it is that you guys have posted these responses on an advice column …

          1. Autumnheart*

            Agreed (and I love “even I, warrior of women”). At some point, yes, kids should assume adult responsibilities, but I think that a parent walking their teenager through the process is entirely appropriate. People don’t just magically download these skills into their heads like in The Matrix.

            1. Busy*

              Let’s put it this way – my mom likely “cut the cord” a bit too early with me on a lot of stuff and I could have really benefited from her help of just walking me through it once or twice.

              1. Autumnheart*

                Eeeeexactly. My parents combined this with the incredibly discouraging attitude that if I had to ask for help, it meant I was stupid and/or incompetent. Which was a) not going to teach me how to do anything, and b) definitely not encourage me to ask for help, since I expected to be yelled at for asking at all. Needless to say, my first year at college was a shitshow.

                I grew up and learned how to seek out information very effectively on my own (mastering the art of the search engine was invaluable) but looking back at when I was a kid, sure–I was ahead of the game because I knew how to fill out a job application and a 1040EZ before I graduated high school. But how much did I lose because an adult wouldn’t just take 5 minutes to explain it without giving me a bunch of attitude? And that’s why I have to defend kids–actual kids, not adult offspring–whose parents ARE doing the right thing and teaching them life skills.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                I am hearing you, Busy.

                I am one of those people who never even asked my parents what a W-2 was. So I am not baffled by the thought that others could have experienced the same thing.

                Because I had zero help, I became one of these people who was willing to help others. I have done a lot of training and I know first hand it is remarkable what people do not know. I answered every question with the information requested. What I got in return was the proof that I was not alone in not understanding workplaces. And their questions helped me become a better trainer.

          2. Thursday Next*

            Yes, it’s okay for parents to help their children, especially if they are actually chronologically children. I didn’t know my social security # when I filled out my first job application at 14, and I sure as heck did not understand tax paperwork. My ability to do the job I was applying for was in no way related to my ability to navigate its bureaucracy.

          3. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

            I started work at 16. I never asked my parents for work help or application help. The questions were all pretty straight forward. The only way I can see asking for help is ‘what’s my SSN?”

            1. Patty Mayonnaise*

              Tax withholding is also really confusing, especially as a minor, and on top of that if you ask for help the employer only says “we can’t help you with that!”

        5. whatwhatwhat*

          Same. She only rarely gave me any kind of work advice, and when she did give advice it was terrible and outdated, so I am glad it was not constant. :/

      5. Mel*

        My mom asked for a job for me.when I was in high school. She just saw an opportunity where I didn’t. I got the job.

        1. Scarlet Magnolias*

          I walked into a retail store and asked if they were hiring. They said yes and if I was asking for myself. I said no, for my 16 year old son. The manager asked me what he was like and I replied that admittedly I was prejudiced in his favor but that he was and is polite, hard working and punctual. They gave me an application for him to fill out and he was hired the next day. He worked there for 8 years, becoming a manager to 2 stores until he left for a better job. I still frequent the store and the staff still miss him, saying he was the only person there who knew where everything was.
          My other son worked for a mom/pop video store where on his first day, the owner said he had to watch a training film. The film was Kevin Smith’s Clerks. He worked there until he went to college, picking up hours over the summer and holidays.

            1. LSP*

              “Clerks” is a little raunchy for a work assignment, but I could see really appreciating that as a teenager.

              Pretty sure the video store is gone but the original Quick Stop still is, and still making money off their “Clerks” fame, selling merch.

              I live about 15 minutes from there.

          2. Anonymeece*

            Ha! The Clerks story is kind of awesome, ngl. And honestly, having worked in a small, slow store… weirdly accurate and relevant for training.

        2. Drew*

          I didn’t work in high school, but when I was ready to come home from my first year of college, my mom decreed that I would be employed and that she had found me the perfect opportunity working for a PTA friend cleaning teapot assembly machines, and that if I didn’t want to do that, I should find my own job.

          I didn’t believe her. That was my first mistake. To make things worse, I didn’t believe her when she said she would make me do it again the next summer if I didn’t find something else. The third summer, I damn sure found my own summer job (and took summer classes to boot so I wouldn’t have to go back home), which was such a good job I kept it through the rest of college.

          The job itself sucked but the experience was invaluable.

          1. Inch*

            Summer after my senior year of high school, I decided to dedicate my time to hanging out with my friends and underage drinking. One sunny noon as I emerged from bed, my mom announced that I had come in at 2 in the morning once to often and that the next day I was starting my new job at a local agricultural warehouse (seasonal, harvest-related work). The work was hot, hard, and boring, and within three weeks I had secured another job, on my own, that I liked much better. But I would never have gotten that first job without my mom — because I didn’t WANT that first job. If she’d left it to my wine-cooler-soaked initiative to find my own job I’d have spent the summer the way I anticipated, which was by having fun and living off her and my dad.

            1. Olivia Mansfield (formerly Mallory Janis Ian)*

              That’s how I got my son his first job. He wasn’t doing the drinking and partying, but he wanted a lot of video games and to eat out with his friends, etc. We’d been telling him to apply for jobs and he was only half-heartedly doing it. So when the local bakery had a dishwasher sign in their window, I talked to the owner and told her I had a young man who’d like to do it. I was exaggerating about the “like” part, and he was fairly aggravated when he found out I was really putting him to work. But now he says he feels proud when he has his own money and is able to buy his own things. He just needed that initial shove to get started.

              1. RUKiddingMe*

                I “encouraged” my son to apply for the warehouse job at Famous Candy place. He got the job.

                We had just tons of free candy. They gave employees some (a Lot) of the “irregulars.” Fit to eat, just wrapped/labeled wonky.

                One halloween I was giving out entire, unopened, full containers of them.

                Fifteen years later I involuntarily gag when I see the candy in the store.

            2. Ms Cappuccino*

              Hanging around with friends and getting up at noon during the summer holidays is something I have done a lot at this age too. Nothing wrong with that.

      6. Susana*

        Honestly – yeah, it is. At least, I’d rather hire a young person who didn’t freak out over filling out a job application. It’s not incumbent on an employer to help a young person feel confident about applying for a job. The employer hires the person most qualified – and yes, the ability to fill out an application without help is essential.

        1. SheLooksFamiliar*

          Susana, if you’re a teenager who hasn’t had to deal with many – if any! – official documents, your first job application can be daunting. What you call ‘freaking out’ could actually be ‘desire to get it right because it’s important.’ We’ve all been there, right?

          1. DerJungerLudendorff*

            Absolutely!
            And this isn’t just any offical document, it’s a job application. Something even people with decades of work experience are often uncertain and anxious about, try to polish to a mirror shine and will actively search for advice from other people about.
            For a teenager with no experience, for whom this is often their first Real Adult Job? Of course many of them aren’t going to be confidently filling that out without asking for anyone’s help.

            1. Autumnheart*

              It seems especially off-kilter to complain about a kid seeking assistance on getting a job…on a blog for people seeking assistance about getting a job.

              1. I need to do what...*

                I was just thinking about the same. After all the parents are just doing some networking for the kids. Yes some do go too far, but sometimes help is needed. I got my first job when I just turned 14. My mom found me the job. I did go and get all the forms filled out by my school to let me work and took the bus there and back. But it would have not been possible without her initial help.

                1. JHS*

                  One of my first jobs in college was when my mom was ringing a company to see if they had openings for her, and they told her they only had student openings. Her response was to ask how I should apply. I’m fairly sure she would have talked me up as well, but her main concern was finding out what I needed to do. That’s how parental help should go; if an opportunity appears, find out what the kid needs to do for it and give them advice if they ask for it (I can’t recall for sure now, but I probably asked for advice on the cover letter before I sent it). If my mom had done all the actual applying for me, I’d have learned nothing.

          2. That Work from Home Life*

            I agree, @SheLooksFamiliar. It’s pretty bizarre to qualify getting help from your parents filling out a form as “freaking out.” My parents were extremely uninvolved (and at times adversarial/neglectful) when it came to preparing me to be an adult. I did all this stuff on my own and I can promise you I was absolutely freaking out that I was doing things wrong, but on the inside. People may have perceived this as independence and perseverance, but it was simply my circumstances and they were not enviable ones. All I wanted was for my parents to step in and guide me. It would have saved me a lot of turmoil over the years to have a reliable adult who I could trust help me sort things out.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I so agree. If freaking out means struggling to get it right then I think most of us still freak out a bit- we still struggle to get it right.

              If the phrase means a public meltdown, then yeah, avoid hiring this person.

              People can stutter in nervousness, they can have shaking hands or any other symptom of nervousness, as long as they stay on track and follow the conversation/instructions the situation is totally salvageable.

            2. TrainerGirl*

              +1000

              I got help from my parents in filling out my first job application, opening a checking account and filing taxes the first time. After that, I could take care of that stuff on my own. But man, I surely wouldn’t expect my child to have it all worked out if they’d never done it.

              1. Loux in Canada*

                Same. Well, with the taxes, my mom was kinda like “here’s TurboTax, do it yourself”, but I had, like, one T4 slip with income of like $2,500 or something lol so it wasn’t that challenging.

                Nowadays I try to figure stuff out on my own as much as possible, but I’m 22 and live alone, several hours away from my parents… They still try to help me out a lot, though. :) Like the time they drove 3 hours to come pick me up when my car broke down on the highway… (CAA actually got to me before they did, but then they followed us to my city, picked me up from the mechanic where I dropped my car, and drove me around the next day to the mechanic and to get a rental. Then they went home because they both had to work that afternoon.)

                They weren’t perfect (they’ve had plenty of failures as well as successes), but they have definitely helped me out a lot with those “first time” things.

          3. Susana*

            Well, I filled out job applications. To be clear, I’m not saying teens should not ask parents for advice. The examples above are ones where parents were taking the lead. And in such cases, I’d rather hire the person who could do things on his/her own.
            When I was a young(er!) reporter and had to report and file a story after most things had closed, a friend got indignant and said, how can they expect you to do that? And I told her the truth – didn’t matter. If I couldn’t do it, they’d find someone who could.

        2. Mike C.*

          It’s not really all that essential and you’re needlessly judging a kid trying to get their first job.

          2. Susana*

            Jeez Louise, I’m not saying be a jerk to be a jerk. But if you are *hiring* someone, you’re going to hire the person most ready to do the job. and if someone is relying on a parent to fill out an application/ask questions about the work, etc. – well, that would work against the job candidate to me. Of course if you’re hiring teens in general you’re going to have a different (easier) standard for knowledge and sophistication. we’re talking about people whose parents are doing the looking and applying. Something my parents would never have done.

            1. Mike C.*

              Then evaluate the applicant on their merits, don’t just throw the application out like a complete jerk.

        3. limenotapple*

          I had help filling out my application for my first job-folding jeans at a store like Gap (but different). Filling out applications had nothing to do with my job, so it didn’t really follow that being hesitant on one would make me bad at the other. It wasn’t really essential to the job I was hired for. I was punctual, took extra shifts, was flexible about the tasks I did, great with customers…they would have missed out on that if they had judged me on the application part.

          1. Agatha31*

            I am rolling my eyes so hard at the comments judging kids about getting help from a parent with form filling as if their entry level/retail jobs are just SO SPECIAL that these kids CANNOT be allowed a little leeway! Meanwhile just what, yesterday?, there was an interviewer everyone pretty much agreed was being super rigid & unreasonable for treating adult applicants the same way for similar stupid reasons.

            1. Works in IT*

              I can understand the judging, slightly.

              When I worked retail, there was a kid whose father would drive him there, stop in several times to make sure he was still at work, and drive him home. The kid was very obviously only there because his father was forcing him to be there.

              When I was a student, mom insisted on driving me to a bunch of local businesses that were very obviously not hiring (I checked their websites, websites said do not show up looking for work) and threatening to kick me out of the house if I didn’t give them my resume and ask for an internship. It was humiliating. I looked like i couldn’t understand simple instructions. I was asked why I thought they’d give me an internship if I couldn’t even read their website.

              That sort of parental “help”? Definitely judgement worthy. But not needing help with an often confusing application form.

              1. Susana*

                God, it’s up there with being told you can get any job if you have “gumpti0n!” Kudos for reading directions- even if your mom couldn’t…

        4. CynicallySweet*

          I don’t necessarily think it has to do w/ freaking out. My mom helped with my 1st job application and on-boarding paper work b/c I just straight up didn’t know things. And in a pre-google age figuring out what they meant when asking about “withholding” would’ve been difficult. The store I was at didn’t think anything of it, they even let me use the phone in the break-room to call her (I was out of minutes on my phone and it wasn’t 7 yet…oh the days)

          1. L.S. Cooper*

            Ugh, the taxes part! I didn’t have a parent help me with my tax forms at my first job, but I did have to have the district manager, who was about my parents’ age, basically babysit me through the process, because I had never done it before.
            I was punctual, polite, I did my work and took pride in it, even at a minimum wage food service job. The fact that I didn’t know how to fill out a form that I had never filled out before didn’t have anything to do with my performance. (Not to mention that onboarding paperwork is clearly NOT geared for a 16-year-old. All the stuff about exceptions is mystifying.)

            1. Patty Mayonnaise*

              I don’t know if this is a state-by-state thing, but when I got my first job in high school, my employer was legally bound to NOT give any help or advice on the tax form or explain what “withholding” even meant… which just freaked out 17 year old me even more!

          2. RUKiddingMe*

            Right? I got my first job in 1978…waaayyy pre-google. I had no clue what a w-4 even was much less how to fill one out. You know who helped me? My manager. We all didn’t know stuff at one point…

        5. Busy*

          Ok. I am not trying to be judgmental here, but it is a bit tough NOT to be judgmental when what you are saying is so much so. So, with that said – and I am not trying to make anyone mad here – if you hire for very entry level jobs (see: retail store associate/factory floor box folder/ jobs geared towards ESL / low income young people / etc.) you cannot have this attitude. If you have this attitude, then you cannot be hiring in these types of environments. And further more, if you do not understand why the is, then see exclusive working conditions.

          1. Ego Chamber*

            I agree, but the people with the least power tend to go on the weirdest powertrips, so I get it where they’re (probably) coming from.

            When I worked at a taco chain restaurant in high school, the owners would always find something to deride on the applications—one of their favorite bits was the “salary requirement” section and they took a particular sort of near-orgasmic glee in chucking out the apps of anyone who listed anything higher than minimum wage. Obviously, this place was a total shitshow.

            1. De-Archivist*

              Ugh, I had a manager who loved to chuck applications that only asked for minimum wage because they ‘obviously don’t value their own work.’ We only paid minimum wage to start.

      7. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        Yeah, I’ve seen even adults struggle with applications, so I can understand why a parent would help a teenager with one.

      8. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I think there are levels. I once worked in a retail store where a mother came in, picked up the application, took it home and brought it back herself, all without her daughter. My manager said that she would only accept completed applications in person from the applicant, which I think is appropriate. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing wrong with a parent picking up an application or with a parent helping a teenager fill out the application, but once the application is done, the applicant has to take over.

        1. Liz*

          I agree, especially if its kind of a spur of the moment thing; mom is shopping and thinks hey, my kid needs a job, I wonder if they’re hiring, let me ask. BUT then its up to the child to fill it out and bring it back.

        2. Old Assistant Manager*

          Completely agree. When I used to screen resumes at a small retail store, I had no problem with parents asking about our help wanted sign for their kids, but the kid had better be the one to come in and drop off the resume. If a parent brought one in for their kid, the resume went straight into the trash. I figured either a) if the kid was “too busy” to make it in during business hours then they probably wouldn’t have the right availability to work there or b) the kid didn’t care enough to come themselves/were only applying for jobs because their parents said they had to.

        4. Pommette!*

          This feels different to me, and quite reasonable. Your manager gave the parents clear directions that they could pass on to their children, instead of automatically disqualifying (and judging!) the kids in question.

      9. AW*

        I mean, my mom drove me to a pizza place at age 15 to apply for a job and gave me some coaching on what to say when I went in…in the car. It would have been very weird if she had accompanied me into the restaurant.

        1. AH*

          My mother drove me to a summer job interview when I was 16, being held in a restaurant because the job location was out of town, and waited for me in the car. The interviewers asked how I got to the restaurant, I told them, and they told me to bring my mother in!!! Neither she nor I knew how to get out of it, so she sat in on the entire interview. It wasn’t her fault and she behaved perfectly, but it was so tremendously uncomfortable to see the interviewers essentially interviewing my MOTHER for the job. (Which I got, so good going Mom?)

          1. HerNameWasLola*

            This happened at my first real job interview too! I had worked a few ‘under the table’ type jobs from the age of 12 to 16 so I didn’t have a problem with applying or interviewing on my own. It was for a fast food chain and they made my mom sit in on the interview. The hiring manager said they wanted her to verify that my answers were truthful. (!!!!) That was probably the only time my mom gave me job advice and it was simply not to take the job if they offered it.

      10. ThisColumnMakesMeGratefulForMyBoss*

        Yes. If you’re old enough for the responsibility of a job, an application shouldn’t be that difficult to fill out.

        1. logicbutton*

          Well, there are dozens of instances on this website alone of adults with work experience having questions about the job applications they’re filling out, so surely we can be at least as magnanimous toward teenagers with no experience.

          1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

            I’m sorry, unless the application has a dozen psychological tests, what is so hard about filling out an application? Most ask the same things–name, address, work history, references, etc. As long as you don’t have a disability, filling out an application is basic. Now for very unusual jobs, the application is different but for most, no.

            1. Videogame Lurker*

              Social Security Number comes to mind. Filling out my first applications, I had no idea what my number even was, and of everything, I think that is most likely what would be something for a teen to look to their parent for help on.

              References can be tricky too, since if I’m filling such a form out without any work history, I’d have no idea who to list off.

            2. Thursday Next*

              If it’s a first job, references is a tough question to answer. Should it be a teacher? Babysitting clients? Mom’s friend who works there?

              And leaving work history blank is kind of nerve-wracking. It’s like not knowing the answer on a test, and not knowing that it’s okay not to have an answer.

              I was 14 when I filled out my first job application and got my first job. Do you really believe that 14-year-olds should handle everything on their own? I think that’s unreasonable.

            3. That Girl From Quinn's House*

              One place I worked used the same application for 15 year olds as it did senior management roles.

              The application asked you to upload your full resume, with salary requirements, and select your level of degree in descending order starting with PhD.

              We basically went six months without hiring for a single part-time entry-level position because the teenagers saw that and assumed they were not qualified to work there, as they’d never had a job before and didn’t have a PhD. This is literally *hundreds* of teens across a 15 site company.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Am giggling, there are plenty of things that people are old enough to do and they struggle with it. Age has little to no bearing.

          I don’t think we should be putting people down if they find job applications difficult. It’s not in our genes at birth, we have to learn. People learn different things at different speeds.

        3. Log Lady*

          Literally what is this logic? An inexperienced teenager (read: kid) getting help from an adult when filling out a job application doesn’t necessarily mean mom and dad are crossing the i’s and dotting the t’s. It could mean checking it over, giving them guidance on certain questions, etc. Can we drop the unreasonable cynicism? We’re talking about kids applying to their first or second job, not an adult with 10+ years experience asking for help from mom and dad.

      11. Asenath*

        My first job was with a local group that was hiring teenagers to work in the playground they’d just built. My parents told me about it, but insisted that I go to see Mr. X myself – I was 15, and a shy girl, but I managed it. I expect that he and my parents actually had discussed it – it was that kind of small town where everyone knew everyone and everything – but I still made the formal request.

        Another summer, I got a job out of pure nepotism – my father’s employer routinely hired students. My father would never ask – but his boss, using the unwritten rule about allocating such jobs to children of the employees of a particular department first, said “I guess this year Asenath would like a job” and I had a job.

      12. Classroom Diva*

        I would say it counts. When I was 16, I filled out all of my own applications. I only had support AT home. Otherwise, looking for a job, contacting the job, filling out applications for the job…that was ALL me. And, if I could do it, any 16 year old ought to be able to do it.

        1. anonhere*

          “if I could do it, any 16 year old ought to be able to do it” No. Really, seriously, just no. I was absolutely not capable of such a thing at such a young age. Different people develop differently, and honestly it sounds like you either had a lot more education in work and paperwork than most people at that age, or you were a little bit of a prodigy in that area.

          Even my friend who went to college at 17 and has built at least two computers from scratch wasn’t that work-independent at 16.

          1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

            Most high schools in the US require some kind of essay work, etc. How is no one getting paperwork experience? From filling out essays to paperwork for club participation to medical stuff, how is someone not familiar with filling out some kind of paperwork?

            1. Videogame Lurker*

              Essays are structures differently from forms, in my experience. They’re paragraphs and sentences, when a form is often filles with fragments of a sentence, or a few words. You’re also assuming clubs all had forms the teen/child filled out. When I was in a sport, I gave the form to my parents to fill out. I didn’t join any clubs, nor did I have to fill out medical forms.

            2. Log Lady*

              Filling out official paperwork for a job is completely different to writing an academic essay for English lit. Being literate doesn’t mean you’re automatically an expert in all forms of writing. How many people, specifically working adults, write into AAM asking for help with resumes or cover letters? It’s literally the exact same concept, just different levels of experience.

              1. Doris*

                I think our school had done a bit to prepare people. Even at 14, when I got my first job, I’m sure we’d already had a bit training in writing a basic resume, and the tax department rep had come to sign us up for tax file numbers. In retrospect, that was very helpful. I also just somehow knew that you could put down anyone you’d done babysitting or odd jobs for or a teacher as a personal reference. Maybe we’d been taught that too?

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Agreed, anonhere.

            If I were 16 and reading this comments I would be super intimidated.

            IF you are reading here and you are new to the workforce, please understand that some employers help people launch their working life and some employers do not. Okay, some employers can be down right mean. If you are not being treat with basic respect, find another employer. I have seen employers who are most willing to help people acclimate to the world of work. You don’t have to be treated like garbage in order to earn an income.

          3. Susana*

            OK, but the difference is this: when you’re a parent, your focus is on our own kid, helping said kid. When you’re an employer, you’re not doing social work or mentoring. You’re hiring the most competent person for the job. No, of course it would not be a problem if a parent answered a tax question (though that’s onboarding – not a McDonald’s job application) or drove you there and waited outside. But asking about openings, collecting the application and delivering it back? Why would you hire that person when you could hire someone capable of handling more of that on her or his own?

            1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

              TBH, I call BS on that. If you’re going to be in the practice of hiring young people or just out of school entry level employees, you are going to have to do some mentoring. It’s part of your job. And if you think it’s not your job, you are going to have high turnover and be forever hiring and training.

            2. Jule*

              “When you’re an employer, you’re not doing social work or mentoring. You’re hiring the most competent person for the job.”

              The idea that hiring the right person for the job will lead to no training (in hard AND soft skills) is so, so laughable, and frankly a problem that’s holding companies and society back across the USA. Do you even have hiring experience?

          4. Pommette!*

            Yeah. “If I can do it anyone can” is never true, and never reasonable.

            People are different: they have different strengths and weaknesses, and they develop in different ways. Someone who would be a great cashier might have trouble filling a form (heck, I know adults who need help to fill forms, but are awesome at the non-data-entry work they do!); someone who would be great stocker might have trouble working up the courage to actually apply, and might need a push with that first step that gets everything in motion.

            Employers are free to put in place whatever requirements will help them hire appropriate employees (but should be explicit about what these requirements are – e.g. we need you to submit this application in person). But having arbitrary, blanket “you should be able to do this because everyone should be able to do this because I was able to do this” rules is unrealistic and unhelpful.

        3. Winry Rockbell*

          I mean, I got my own job at 16 too, but I had filled out my first job application when I was 12 and wanted to volunteer at the library — and I *still* had to bring my tax paperwork home to have my parents help me with it. My brother, on the other hand? Autistic and painfully shy. Our dad helped him apply for his first job at 19, at my workplace, and I sung his praises to his future-boss and coached him on exactly how to answer all the interview questions. His ability to stock a salesfloor has absolutely *nothing* to do with his ability to figure out interview etiquette, and he was understandably extremely anxious about it for days. (He still has the same job, and loves it, but works in a different location in a big city now! He’s by far the most successful of us so far on the measures of both payscale and happiness.)

    3. Responder*

      I don’t think this is too bad. Kids can be scared to fill out job applications, and sometimes they don’t know exactly how to either. If the mom is filling out the application for them? That’s bad. If the mom is providing advice or guidance on how to fill it out? I think that’s normal for that stage of life. Obviously this is very different depending on age.

      1. Cameron*

        Agreed. Also, for a teenager, I would WANT to know that the parents were supporting him/her in having a job. Over 18 this would be weird, but under 18 I would have zero problem with a parent accompanying and supporting their child. I mean, maybe the child doesn’t drive yet, or the parent/child are just on an outing together. Is the parent supposed to hide in the shadows?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My friend is willing to hire high schoolers. The ad says the parents are welcome to come to the interview. My friend actually prefers the parents come and see first hand.

    4. Arctic*

      There is absolutely no evidence that it is more of a thing now. Just people talk about it a lot more since we have the internet to share the stories.

      1. une autre Cassandra*

        True. Perhaps the internet itself provides more obvious opportunities for the helicopterally inclined to *monitor* their teen or adult children, but fundamentally this kind of thing is far from new.

        1. Jessen*

          I think cell phones too. The idea that you can just reach someone whenever is a big change.

    5. Hills to Die on*

      Well, I’m with SezU. No way would my mom have gone with me to fill out an application. If you can’t fill in a job application by yourself when you are 16, how are you going to do the job?

      1. Roja*

        Jobs usually have training periods! Filling in forms, whether job applications or medical forms or tax forms or what-have-you, isn’t always obvious, especially to someone with no experience.

        1. stitchinthyme*

          I don’t remember having any problems filling out my first job application on my own when I was 16.

            1. can't believe*

              Seriously? A job application asks questions and you answer them. Hopefully they are doing that on tests in school?

              1. Choux*

                Some thoughts: What do I fill out if I’ve never had previous employment? Who is a reference – a parent, a teacher? This asks for my availability – does that mean any time I *can* work or any time I * want* to work? Desired salary – ummm, I have no idea because I’m 16 and have never worked before? Etc, etc. Not to mention that there are a LOT of people with learning disabilities that may require help to complete an application but who could do the work just fine.

                1. Kale sucks*

                  Agreed completely. Asking for parental help often isn’t about not knowing how to fill in a form, a huge part of it is about getting a handle on social and cultural norms around employment. Being able to recognise that asking a contact for information can be easier and provide more context than slogging away for hours on google, in some situations, is absolutely a sign of good judgement and maturity. The weirdly spartan idea that a kid should find this stuff out themselves feels unnecessarily punitive and unreflective of the real world. I work with someone like this, and they are unpopular because they always find a way make a problem out of a solution and spend too much unproductive time setting up hoops for people to jump through.

              2. Tara R.*

                Questions my friends and I had about job applications while in high school:

                * When they ask you about how proficient you are with Outlook or Word or Excel, what constitutes “beginner” versus “intermediate” versus “advanced”?
                * Is my French good enough to list under “Languages”?
                * Do I still put my actual supervisor from my old job in that spot even though she’s not at the company anymore?
                * I go by my middle name, do I need to put my full legal name on the application?
                * How do I indicate that my availability is different during the summer than during the school year?
                * Does “Are you legally allowed to work in the US” mean that you already have a working visa or that there’s nothing that would prevent you from getting one?
                * Can I list babysitting/mowing my neighbours lawn/working in my parent’s shop as work experience?
                * Etc etc etc

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  Or how about questions that don’t mean what they say? We talk about those questions a lot here. You have to put down “experienced” to get by the computer and get to a human being.

              3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                Yeah, on tests you have had lessons on the material beforehand. It’s been a long time since I was a high school student but I don’t recall ever having discussions about things like how to answer why you want to work here, what to put down for salary requirements, who to list as references for your first ever job, and so on.

                I am kind of amazed and dismayed at the harsh and haughty tone of many of these comments. Just because you were able to figure this stuff out with no help doesn’t mean everyone had the same kind of life preparedness at that stage. It also smacks of a hopefully unwitting prejudice against people who grow up in circumstances where they don’t learn anything about basic life skills like this.

                1. Doris*

                  I grew up pretty poor, and in my experience, poor kids are exactly the kinds of people who do have these skills. If your parents don’t work, or are marginally employed, you generally end up a lot more resourceful and capable, I think, because you often have to take on extra responsibilities. I’m imagining it’s more likely to be kids from families with greater means but more controlling parents, or just very sheltered kids who have issues.

          2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

            That’s great. However not everyone is at the same level, either at 16 or 36. There are people with intellectual disabilities that this is a difficult issue.

            I’m in HR and I’ve seen people struggle to read forms that I’ve made to be as simplistic as humanly possible. I’ve seen people sit in our conference room and take an hour or more to fill out an application that isn’t asking for anything more than the typical application stuff.

            There’s a reason why people take forever to fill out forms and return them to HR and accounting, it’s because people can simply struggle with paperwork and filling in information that isn’t always memorized. I have had people not know their address, phone number or social security number. So they have sit there and look up everything painfully searching for where any of that information is contained and to enter it into the application form.

            This is why online applications are so much better anyways. Then you don’t have to deal with someone judging someone for struggling.

            I on the other hand can whip through any form you throw at me. I do my brother’s taxes for this purpose even though it’s the simple form and literally is just filling in information from a W2.

            1. Anonymous Because Embarrassed*

              Kind of embarrassing, but I started carrying my own business card in my wallet last year because I was buying a home and did not know my own direct work number if the paperwork asked for it. (It’s relatively new, and why would I? If I’m in a position to call it, no one will answer—because, you know, I’m not in my office.)

              1. De Minimis*

                I remember years ago I was filling out a rental application and was drawing a blank on my work number, and the rental agent said it was a good sign because it meant I must not call in sick very much.

                1. Autumnheart*

                  I don’t even have a work number. I have the number for the main corporate switchboard, but there’s no way for someone to call that and get ahold of me. I only have my cell phone for everything.

              2. Anonymous Because Embarrassed*

                (Realized I should clarify that my job is super non-client-facing; unless you’re in sales, most callers here are still transferred from the main number.)

              3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

                Please don’t be embarrassed [easier said than done, I know!].

                I didn’t know my SSN until I was about 30. It took me a couple years to remember my phone number, etc.

                The thing is that you were able to find a way to remember it and in a place you could find it quickly when you needed it. That’s really all that matters.

                For my entire career, I have all the assorted information that you need to “confirm” with assorted people taped on my monitor, including the address, phone, fax and cross street,extensions, etc.

                However over a decade ago, I had a former employer’s banking information memorized only because I had to rattle it off dozens of time each week doing wire transfers. It took me a year to get that out of my head! That’s just repetition for you =)

                1. Asenath*

                  I had my SIN memorized in my early 20s because I was employed by a temp agency, and had to put it down every single time I filled in a form with my hours. I still remember it. On the other hand, I can’t remember my cell phone number. I never call it. I usually give my landline number (for easier monitoring and blocking of unwanted calls, and so that anything really private can be discussed at home or at some other time of my choice). That number I remember, partly because I give it out so often and partly because I’ve had the same number for so many decades.

                2. Evan Þ.*

                  That’s pretty much how I memorized my social security number, too – I was putting it down on so many college applications and associated material. Repetition.

                  I still don’t have my bank account and routing numbers memorized, but I’ve got a spare check in my wallet (I don’t carry around a checkbook) so I can look them up when I need them.

                3. kj*

                  The only reason I had my ssn memorized at 18 was it was my college “dog tag” id number. We had to give it for everything, I think it was even on my id badge (totally secure). Now as a rule of thumb I tell people they should know there ssn as well as they know how to spell there name.

                4. Works in IT*

                  This. I can fill out an application just fine but until a couple years ago it was “mom what’s my social security number” every time I needed it. If you want me to fix your account, I can do that. If you want me to figure out if an office is easy to break into and how to make it less break into able, I can do that. If you want me to do rote memorization… sorry, my job involves reading people, not memorizing things.

              4. wafflesfriendswork*

                I haven’t memorized a phone number in about ten years–I’m constantly looking up my fiance’s phone number if I need to fill out an emergency contact form. Sorry hon!

                1. Inch*

                  “Who is your emergency contact?”
                  “My sister.”
                  “What is her phone number?”
                  “‘Sister’, send.”

              5. I'm A Little Teapot*

                I have contacts in my phone with my home phone number, cell number, and work number. I know one of the 3 reliably.

                1. stitchinthyme*

                  Heh – I don’t know my work number even after 6 years at the job. I rarely get calls at work, I don’t deal with customers, and when someone asks me for a work or daytime phone number, I give them my cell. There’s really no need for me to know my work number or give it out to anyone.

              6. alphabet soup*

                Not embarrasing.

                I’ve had the same cell number for about 10 years and sometimes I find myself forgetting it. I also forget my address sometimes. This usually happens when I’m under a lot of stress. I think I have a bit of whatever you call dyslexia that only affects your ability to comprehend numbers. When this happens, I have to look up my details on my Amazon account. Thank goodness for smartphones.

                1. Cygda*

                  That would be dyscalculia! That one is certainly a ball to have. Especially if you have a job entails dealing with quite a few numbers.

            2. stitchinthyme*

              But I’m not talking about people with intellectual disabilities. I get that they might need extra help, and I certainly wouldn’t begrudge it to them if I were a manager. I’m talking about normal, non-disabled teenagers who know how to read and write and should presumably be able read instructions and follow them.

              1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

                This is going so sideways but dude, how do you KNOW by looking at someone they have an intellectual disability!?

                Most people with them look just like a normal teenager.

                So your bias and idea of “looks normal = should have X baseline abilities” is pretty outrageous.

                I’ve worked with a lot of develop mentally delayed individuals and if anyone glances at them, they just look like a regular person because shockingly enough, they are indeed just a regular person, who struggle with some basic stuff we take for granted like the ability to fill out a seemingly straight forward form.

                Just give people the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume they’re just “lazy” or have a “helicopter parent” until it’s more glaringly obvious. It’ll save you from discriminating against a lot of people.

                I get that you’re not being malicious but you’re being incredibly ignorant.

                1. stitchinthyme*

                  I’m not saying people shouldn’t be given the benefit of the doubt. I’m saying that non-disabled teens should not need their parents’ help to fill out a job application or interview for a job.

              2. Eukomos*

                OP said they discount the resumes of people who apply with a parent nearby automatically, though, how could they know at that stage if the applicant has a disability? My brother’s on the autism spectrum and mostly comes off as a normal but awkward person, he’s very smart and it shows. He would 100% need help filling out a job app though. If it were a handwritten rather than online application he’d probably also need to ask someone else to do the writing, too, because he has impaired fine motor function related to his developmental disorder and can’t write small enough to fit words into boxes on forms.

                And he’s not even a kid, he’s a full grown, married man. Sometimes his wife helps him with stuff like this but they live very close to our retired parents so it’s not at all uncommon for our parents to be the ones who help him and I’m fairly certain someone who threw out an application of his because they saw my mother helping him fill it out would be breaking the law in the US. If you don’t check, you can’t know. Don’t assume you know what’s going on with people.

              3. Mari M*

                Sometimes even disabled people don’t realize they are, because the pattern of their disability doesn’t follow the norm. Autistic women, AD(H)D women… we are often left undiagnosed until we’re adults and able to ask the questions ourselves. Or someone we love asks them of us: “Have you considered talking to someone about [X symptom]?”

                So when you’re 16 and have no clue? When you just feel stupid because the application is hard for you? How are you supposed to know whether the application is hard (also valid!) or whether you actually have an undiagnosed disability?

                Sign me Diagnosed At 30.

                1. Curmudgeon in California*

                  I had a childhood diagnosis. People assume that you grow out of it, I certainly did. Then I started comparing notes with other AD(H)D adults. Nope, still there, but now I need to get re-assesed so I can get accommodations if I need it. Problem is, I may have developed too many workarounds and coping skills.

                  Just today I was looking at emotional regulation workbooks because when I had my stroke over 20 years ago, that’s one of the things that was knocked out by the cognitive side affects, and I struggle with it often.

                  Sure, I had a somewhat visible disability, but it’s the invisible ones that cause me the most trouble!

                2. Anony-mom*

                  +100… I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 42 years old, when I sought out a medical diagnosis for why I was the way I was.

                  I muddled through life for those first 42 years and from the outside I appear perfectly and 100% normal, but inside I was a hot mess and it did cause problems with applying for employment. I do wonder how many applications were tossed because of this over the years.

              4. OyHiOh*

                How would you recognize, in a high school job applicant, global language delay, or dyslexia? Granted, a global language delay might come with some sort of speech issue (as well as reading and/or writing) but in many cases, language related disabilities are completely, totally invisible – until you ask that teenage applicant to fill out a “simple” form they “should” be able to do 100% by themselves.

              5. Autumnheart*

                Oh FFS. People have questions about the kind of information being sought in a form. It’s perfectly normal to ask for assistance. That’s why customer service is a job. If you’re filling out an application that asks for 3 references and you don’t have 3 references, what do you do? Leave it blank? Will that prevent your application from being accepted? Who knows unless they ask?

                It really doesn’t take much of a stretch of imagination to understand that a) forms are not intuitive and have differing requirements, and b) people aren’t always going to figure it out on the first pass.

            3. Asenath*

              I recently visited HR to discuss the procedures around retirement, and was assured that if I had any difficulty at all with the forms, I could bring them in, and they’d help me.

              1. Curmudgeon in California*

                Props to your HR. My spouse has to deal with some of those forms, and neither of us can cope with them well.

            4. Kendra*

              We get a lot of people coming in to our library that need help with exactly this; it’s a lot less uncommon for adults to have trouble filling out job applications (and many, many other forms) than people seem to think. I think the reasons it doesn’t seem that way to a lot of people are that a) adults are a lot more reluctant to admit they’re having trouble in the first place, and b) a lot of times the trouble is due to a factor that’s not directly related to the job they’re applying for, so it becomes a non-issue once get past that part.

              Example: if you’re applying to be a roofer, and you have ten years of experience and solid references, should it actually matter that you’re dyslexic and had trouble reading the questions on the application? It’s highly unlikely that whoever’s in charge of hiring will guess that it took you three hours and some help from a librarian to fill the thing out, although they could very well still judge you for it if they did. So, nobody talks about how hard they find that kind of paperwork (annoying, yes, but not difficult), and nearly every person who comes to us for help feels embarrassed, as if they think they’re the only one in the world who needs that type of assistance (which we’re quick to assure them is definitely not the case).

            5. Curmudgeon in California*

              I know people with varying degrees of anxiety, phobia or freeze-up when filling out official forms. It doesn’t have to be rational. I even suffer from a bit of it. Sometimes it is so bad that their mind simply goes blank on simple, common items like address, phone number, or SSN.

              That’s why many clinics/dentists/doctors offices have their forms online, so you can fill them out in your own time, or have someone help you, without judgment or pressure.

              Heck, since my printing is so lousy, my spouse usually fills out my forms for me unless they are online.

            7. Loux in Canada*

              For reals, I am so damn good at forms and paperwork. I have several phone numbers memorized: mine, my parents’, my parents’ home phones, my work phone number… I also have several numbers half-memorized, like my boss’s number and several friends’ numbers (working on it!!).

              But I’m always helping friends with forms and paperwork because they are unsure or just not as capable. I’m cool with it, and I kind of like doing paperwork when it’s not my own…

          4. Half-Caf Latte*

            For some incredibly powerful stories of the cost of illiteracy, search for Toni Cordell.

        2. Hills to Die on*

          Typing in your name, etc? They can take it home and ask parents if they have a question, but to have mom or dad stand there while they do it at the place of business? Nope – trash. Not sorry.

          1. Jen2*

            But when you’re filling out your first job application, you have no way of knowing what’s reasonable to ask for? If someone handed me an application and seemed to expect me to fill it out then and there, I wouldn’t think to ask if I could bring it home, but if a parent had given me a ride, I’d probably call them over to ask for pointers.

            1. Fiddlesticks*

              I kind of agree with Mike C. If someone is 25 and their parent is hovering over them while an application is filled out, it’s a bad sign. But if someone is 16, jeez, give them a break.

              And if you’re just going to throw someone’s application in the trash, it’s pretty jerky to just stand there yourself and watch them fill it out for no purpose. At least have the balls to tell the applicant straight out that you believe bringing a parent in shows that they aren’t a good fit for your team, and they shouldn’t waste their time applying for the job.

              2. Works in IT*

                I was 25 not too long ago, and my parents would hover whether I wanted them to or not. Please don’t judge people for not having the financial freedom to tell hovering parents to get lost. If someone had told me they were rejecting me because of my parents’ bad behavior I would tell them I have no control oover what my parents are doing, but i am not my parents.

            3. Autumnheart*

              It sure is. Hope Hills To Die On never has any questions about resume formatting or cover letters. They should just know, and otherwise their resume deserves to go straight to the trash.

              1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                +10

                I hope I never have the misfortune to work for someone with such rigid and unpleasant attitudes toward those who may struggle for one reason or another. It is profoundly lacking in compassion. If a person needs their parent to fill out a form for them I’d like to try and find out why before I condemn them as unfit for work. As the stories above show there are many legitimate reasons as well as dubious ones, and I think it would be prudent to try and find out why they did that before you put your prejudice on show and leave yourself open to a discrimination complaint.

          3. Turquoisecow*

            Seriously? This was common practice at the retail stores I worked at – we gave them an application and a pen and they filled it out right there. Since kids don’t drive or don’t have cars (especially if they don’t have jobs yet), most of the time a parent or other adult had come with them. If the kid has questions on what belongs where, the parent is there to answer them.

            As someone else mentioned, the job is not filling out applications, so why judge them on their ability to fill out applications? Just sounds judgmental.

            1. Beth*

              I have a hard time with my handwriting. It isn’t due to being lax. It is hand eye coordination thing. I try to take apps and scan them as a editable pdf whenever I can.Most places are online apps but there will be that one on occasion that will ask for a paper app as well. I have probably lost out in the basis of handwriting alone

            2. CheeryO*

              Yeah, my parents definitely accompanied me to go pick up and drop off applications. I didn’t have a license yet, so they had to! I think sometimes they stayed in the car, but sometimes they came in and ordered something and sat with me while I filled out the application. No one seemed to think it was weird at the time (mid-00s), and I got hired pretty quickly.

          4. logicbutton*

            Well, for example, most retail-type job applications will ask you to list previous jobs. If the applicant has never had a job, they might not intuit how to answer it – do they leave it blank? Will that get them insta-rejected? Do they include a volunteer job they did for a month last year? Do they include school stuff? Will any of that be considered “lying” or otherwise way off base? Does babysitting count? Would their aunt be an acceptable reference? etc. That’s exactly the kind of thing parents are there for.

            1. De-Archivist*

              These are all great questions and absolutely things I thought about when applying for my first job at 14 and my second at 17. I did a lot of volunteer work as a teen. Should I list that as a job? Do I have a close relative that works for New Job or their affiliates? Does my availability start at 4 or 4:30? Can I work a flexible schedule, and what does that mean?

            1. Jules the 3rd*

              I thin H2DO means she throws the applications in the trash, not that the people applying are trash.

              I disagree with H2DO, though, strenuously. I know tons of great workers, especially in retail and service industries, who are not good with applications. Tons.

          6. LitJess*

            Wow, I seriously hope you were never a hiring manager in retail because you’d be tossing 80% of your applications. How do you think the 16-year-old got to your store? Why would they drive home, fill out a form, and then drive back when they could do it all in the store? And “type in the form” using what exactly, the typewriter they don’t have?

            1. Not So NewReader*

              This is getting to sound like “pull up the boot straps” that people complain about when their older generation says it. It did not reflect well on them.

      2. iglwif*

        I mean, jobs usually come with some training. Filling out a job application doesn’t.

        I would be happy to help my 16yo fill out an application form — that is, give advice if she asked and help her if she got stuck, not fill it out *for* her — although I might not do it right in the store. (I would take my cue from her.) If the applicant were 10 years older, though, that would give me pause.

        2. Miss Muffet*

          which makes me think, probably a standard application is available online (when I was a teen they were literally on notepads they’d tear off of) so perhaps this is a good thing for parents to do with their kids when the kid starts expressing some interest in finding a “real” job? Walk through an example, help the kid line up their SSN, possible references, and stuff – so that they can confidently handle the process themselves.
          I’ve also volunteered in classrooms that do internships and career training – I wonder if teachers in those classes cover this kind of thing.

          1. Her Blondeness*

            Miss Muffet, that’s a really good idea to do as a practice. It’s also timely because my 16 YO wants to get a summer job but he really has no idea how to start. I showed him my resume but he was totally lost. A retail application is a better place to start – sort of like a practice SAT.

        3. Liane*

          When my oldest applied for a temp job in high school at a seasonal Halloween shop, it was just walk in & they would hire you on the spot. I think they helped with the application & tax form if someone needed it. (This one still operates that way & I even work there for extra cash in fall.) When he later applied at Grocer, I **suggested** also putting that he put down his volunteer job doing sound board for our church’s services because it was a responsibility he’d had for several years. I also suggested people he could list if the application asked for references. When my daughter applied there a little later, I did the same for her. Did they take my suggestions? I don’t know; since neither asked me to look over their applications, it wasn’t my business.
          (They both still work there and have had raises and a promotion each–so they must have gotten something right, with or without taking my advice.)

        4. Half-Caf Latte*

          Yeah, I feel like some commenters aren’t drawing the distinction between teaching a man to fish, and giving him a fish.

      3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        If filling out forms was a benchmark for people to get jobs in retail or the service industry or basic manual labor, there’d be a much larger issue filling those spots. I have many production workers who cannot fill out applications without assistance. They’re fine when you tell them and show them what to do, reading/writing not so much.

        It’s funny since retail positions in some areas/employers seem to always be hiring so disqualifying someone for this kind of thing just means it’s the employers fault for their staffing issue.

          1. Curmudgeon in California*

            I’ve applied for jobs that had basic literacy tests. Every applicant took them, even people with degrees.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yeah, some of the sharper minds I have seen have to be shown or listen to instructions. If they read the instructions it will be a while. But spoken instructions they catch on scary fast- quicker than people who read the instructions.

      5. Robm*

        Not sure “if you can’t fill out the form to apply for job how are you going to do the job” really works, especially for younger people.

        What if the job they’re applying for isn’t ”fill out application forms?”

        I know a few people who are really good at manual work who might need help filling out the form to get the job.

      6. SezU*

        I think some of the protests to my original comment kind of say it all. I have never thought it appropriate, even when I was a young teenager looking for my first job, to have my mom help me (in the store) fill out an application. I got my first job on my own. The second job, I just sent out resumes to places I wanted to work! I was 18 and I read a book on how to write a resume and a cover letter. I typed it up on an old school typewriter (not even an IBM Selectric!) so that hints at how old I must be! I also got that job.
        There are so many resources (like Ask A Manager) that we can do this without our parents standing over us at Target while we fill out a fill in the blank form.
        Sorry if others think that’s harsh, but I don’t. I agree with those who commented that it is the first impression of a potential employer. And we all know how important those are!

        1. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

          Not everyone has access to those resources. You may not realize it, but “I took the initiative and found the things at my disposal” is a very privileged statement and your attitude here further disenfranchises people without the same access.

          1. Washi*

            I wouldn’t go this far – but I’ve come to realize more and more that taking initiative, recognizing gaps in your knowledge and finding resources to fill them, sorting out unreliable vs reliable sources of information…these are real skills that 1. most teens don’t have and 2. many adults don’t have either. Certainly in my white collar office job I’ve also been frustrated when other people expect step by step training on tasks that I taught myself how to do from the internet. But some people are just not good at that. And if that’s true at my office job, it’s almost certainly true at a retail environment that routinely hires 16 year olds with no work experience.

            Basically, I think the answer here is be grateful for your exceptional critical thinking skills that enable you to rise, rather than expecting everyone to be like you. It’s too high a bar especially in this context of high schoolers getting a first job :)

            1. Works in IT*

              I’m 29, with exceptional critical thinking skills, and still flounder with rote memorization questions. From paying rent (what was my checking number again….) to filling out applications that call for street address (can’t remember my street number to save my life), or driver’s license number, or other associated things that must be remembered… as a girl who didn’t start carrying a purse around until halfway through college and didn’t get a smartphone until then either, I didn’t have this information memorized. If I was in a store filling out an application, I’d have to ask mom. My brain just doesn’t work that way. Now that i have a smartphone i have a file where i can keep all the street addresses I can’t remember, but I didn’t have that until I was in my twenties.

            2. Pommette!*

              Exactly!
              I have friends who grew up with almost no resources but, through sheer resourcefulness and determination, worked their way up to impressive and rewarding careers. They figured everything out on their own.
              The are genuinely amazing. Amazing isn’t a reasonable bar to set for access to entry level work.

        2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

          Yeah.

          I get it.

          I’m also someone who pulled myself up my by bootstraps. I learned everything out of my sheer determination and my ability to find resources, despite my circumstances. I didn’t go to college, I never had to work a retail job in my life, I went straight into white collar work because I knew someone who gave me an assistant job because they needed one and I was friends with their kid sister.

          And now I run businesses. Looking at the salary comparisons we collected, I make a lot of money and make more than a lot of people with a lot more education, etc.

          Guess what. I still understand that others aren’t me. They’re not as fortunate. They don’t have the same mindset, skillset or whatever is living inside me that allows me to do what I do so easily. [Seriously, every job I’ve had has been easy AF but enjoyable because I like organization, numbers and people in the right situations].

          So way to go for being a go-getter and ahead of that curve so early on but it doesn’t mean others should be scrapped and thrown away just because they do something differently or need more assistance in some way, shape or form.

        3. No Account*

          I’m glad you hit working age with some degree of intuition for the process. Not everyone does, and it’s hard to fault a 16 year old for a lack of exposure to the whole thing. At that age, they’re still figuring out how to operate independently, and applying for a low stakes retail job seems as good a place as any to figure that sort of thing out.

          Yes, appearances matter, but they should be used as a gauge of likely work performance. Having a parent help fill out an application would obviously look bad and indicate a likely inability to function in a professional environment. It doesn’t say much about one’s ability to put cans on shelves, cook fries, or operate a cash register.

          Honestly, I would rather hire the 16 year old who came in, realized they were unsure how to fill it out, and asked their parent for help than the 16 year old who came in and guessed how to fill it out. Even if they guessed correctly, I’d rather not have to worry about that same guessing occuring on the job.

        4. Jasnah*

          What is the real difference between reading a book on how to write a resume/cover letter, and having a parent tell you how to do it?
          Either way, you’re finding a trusted source to teach you how to do something.

          I think it’s pretty myopic to say that the general standard for learning how to adult should be “don’t ask your parents (the humans who raised you, have decades of life experience in your area, who know your personality and situation well), ask the internet (a bunch of strangers with unknown levels of expertise who know nothing about you or your situation)!”

        5. Mike C.*

          It’s still harsh and you seriously need to understand what survivorship bias is.

          By the way, you didn’t get where you are today alone. You had help, everyone does.

      7. smoke tree*

        This line of thinking strikes me as rather gumption-y. I don’t think there is necessarily much of a correlation between familiarity with forms and ability to work in retail, and I don’t know that there is much value in treating it as an essential employability test.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          The only “value” I see is if there are way too many applicants then it’s a real cheap method to rule out a bunch of people without too much effort.

      8. Seeking Second Childhood*

        If the job you’re taking involves no written material at all, why do you care about the job application?
        (Says the person who worked a summer hauling corn & restocking vegetable bins.)

      9. Hermione's Twin*

        Yes! This! I was 14 when I got my first job (besides babysitting.) I happened to be at a store shopping with my mother when I spied a “Help Wanted” sign. I asked for the application, I filled it out myself, and my mom drove me back to the store but waited in the car while I submitted the application and had a mini-interview. Any teenager should be able to fill out an application – name, address, city, state, zip, education, past employers, and a personal reference or two. I can see having questions about the tax documents, but if your 16 year old can’t fill out a basic retail application, there are some serious life lessons that need to be learned BEFORE they enter the working world (retail or not.)

        1. Works in IT*

          I’ve never really understood the point of personal references, which makes forms that ask for personal references confusing for me. Why does it matter that a family friend who has seen me maybe once every few months thinks I’m nice? That doesn’t tell anyone anything about how I would be as an employee!

          There are lots of reasons to struggle with forms that aren’t “this person isn’t ready to be in the workforce”.

          1. Tipcat*

            I know this is late, but here’s what I was taught in the late 60’s: your references are supposed to be adults in ‘responsible’ jobs (teachers, preachers, managers, etc.) who will vouch for your willingness and ability to obey bosses and generally act ‘respectable.’

          2. Pandop*

            The only time I have written a personal reference was to support a friend’s application to volunteer with the Samaritans. There my experience of her as a supportive and resiliant friend was relevant.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          The question that interests me is who teaches this stuff? In my day it wasn’t taught in school. My parents weren’t into that type of thing. I winged it all the way, I had no one.
          So I am not clear on how every teen automatically knows this stuff. How does that happen?

    6. Temperance*

      FWIW, I wasn’t allowed to drive, so if my mother didn’t drive me, I didn’t go. That being said, my mother never helped fill out an application or did anything like that on my behalf.

      1. Hills to Die on*

        I did that too. My mom waited in the car in the parking lot until I was done completing the application.

      2. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        Same. I think the “helicopter-y-ness” of being accompanied by your parent depends entirely on your age and mobility (or proximity to jobs).

        1. SezU*

          One thing for mom to have to drive you. Another for her to stand over you and help you fill out the form.

          (Exception noted for those with challenges where they may not be able to read or comprehend. That’s different.)

      3. Miss Annie*

        I made sure my teens had everything they needed to complete the app then drove them over to wherever. I waited in the car.

        1. Malarkey01*

          I had a fantastic English teacher when I was in 10th grade. She brought in a sample application from a fast food place and we spent one class period learning how to fill them out. For some of us it was really basic, but for a lot of kids in that class this was the first place they ever filled out a form and were really lost. I wish more schools taught these basic “life skills”.

          1. DataGirl*

            My daughter’s high school does this and I’m really grateful. They also had all the kids write a resume and had mock interviews. She’s headed to college in the fall and is pretty well prepared- although there is still a ton of stuff to learn to be an adult: loan applications, banking, making her own doctor appointments/managing her own health, taxes, etc. You forget how much you didn’t know as a teen until you help one go through it all themselves.

          2. Pommette!*

            That’s awesome.
            It’s a good way to make sure all the students have the technical skills they need to answer. It also shows them that applying for jobs is a thing they can do, and gives them the confidence to get over that first step.

    7. J Kate*

      I’ve hired people for their first job, and they do often need a little guidance in filling out the application. It doesn’t generally correlate to level of professionalism or quality of their work once they learn the ropes, assuming it’s minimal assistance with specific, reasonable questions. I would expect teenagers to still be learning things and would treat them accordingly if their were applying to an entry level job where learning basic work skills is part of the gig. But I would definitely draw a hard line at parents helping schedule interviews or heaven forbid try to sit in on one. I need to be able assess the applicant on their own for suitability for the position and I’m not hiring the parent.

    8. Eukomos*

      This doesn’t seem like a great way to screen, frankly. I’m sure you’re tossing out a lot of resumes for kids who take direction well and work hard. Maybe if you were hiring door to door canvassers this would be a warning sign, but for entry level retail jobs I don’t see how precocious independence is all that helpful. Kind of just seems like a power trip, to be frank.

      1. Hills to Die on*

        Respectfully, I don’t see it as a power trip. I see it as screening for more functional resources. I get the points that people have made about kids who struggle with handwriting, dyslexia, aren’t familiar with job applications, or some other issue. I always took my applications home, completed them, and then got cleaned up and brought them back wearing a nice outfit. My mom drive me and waited in the car. She coached me on shaking hands and making eye contact on the ride over.

        Of course kids are learning! That doesn’t mean they can’t do it.

        1. Eukomos*

          It’s great that you could do that, I did that to when I was getting my first jobs. We’re lucky to be able to, not everyone can. My brother has a developmental disorder and needed quite a bit of help from my dad to get his first job, and I’m pretty certain he wouldn’t pass your test, but he worked that job for years and exceeded his boss’ expectations. He has lots of functional resources, just not in the field of filling out complicated forms by hand.

          Some of us can fill out applications and some can’t, and it doesn’t track perfectly with our ability to do jobs unless the job is to fill out forms. If you genuinely understand and sympathize with the people who can’t, then treat them with sympathy. You have to do a little more than pay lip service to understanding in order to satisfy the ADA.

        2. CheeryO*

          Sure, but the kid who sits down with their parent to fill out the application at the store could just as easily be a polite, hardworking kid, and that’s all that really matters when you’re talking about retail and food service jobs.

          1. Washi*

            Yeah, I’m confused about the practicality of this position. In my area, it’s really hard to find reliable entry level workers and it wouldn’t be to anyone’s benefit to try to make the process MORE competitive.

    9. mcr-red*

      My daughter and I were walking in a mall and I saw a booth in front of a store that said they were hiring so I told her go fill one out. A store manager was the one handing them out. She did while her sister and I stood there, waiting. She (as someone else said below) asked me, “What’s my social?” and I think later asked me who I thought she should put down as references, but that was all. Another mom came up with their kid and filled it out the whole thing for him while he just stood there.

      My daughter got the job. That kid did not even get an interview.

      1. Susana*

        And that’s the perfect example of where parental involvement is good and when it is not.

        Look, no one’s going to be head-hunted to work at Taco Bell. If you show up appearing in some way less than competent, lazy or impolite, they’ll instead hire someone who isn’t those things. And if your mom is doing all the application work, that will be seen as less than competent.

    10. JediSquirrel*

      For the people saying “but this kid might not know how to fill out the form”–the kid could also ask the person behind the counter, which shows some initiative and a willingness to ask questions and learn.

      That’s how I did it, because my single working mom was at work and couldn’t / didn’t want to do my growing up for me.

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        And autism and dyslexia and dysgraphia and other related conditions don’t exist and those of us on the spectrum or whose kids are on the spectrum should just stop doing their growing up for them, got it.

      2. Arts Akimbo*

        You know what, my comment was really harsh. I apologize, JediSquirrel. Going through a lot with my son right now, he’s 16 and autistic and I really worry about him being able to get/hold a job, and my feelings just overwhelmed me.

      3. Jasnah*

        Applicant: “Hey what’s my social security number?”
        Person behind the counter: “How should I know?”
        Applicant: *OK then how do I figure it out?*

        Applicant: “What do you mean by ‘personal reference’?”
        Person behind the counter: “Just a reference, just someone who knows you, or where you’ve worked before.”
        Applicant: *But I’ve never worked anywhere before! Should I put down my parents??*

      4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        The person behind the counter probably doesn’t know the answers, and besides they are busy doing a job. I think that would be even worse than asking a nearby parent.

  199. Rockin Takin*

    I worked at a summer day camp and had a coworker with an extreme helicopter mom. Let’s call him Fred.
    More than once she called in behalf of her son (who at the time was in his early twenties).
    One time we had a work event for all staff that included a photo booth. All the camp staff got a photo together, but afterwards a few of us went and got more photos done without Fred.
    The next morning, his mother calls and my poor 18 year old coworker answered. His mom started to yell at her telling her he was so upset that we went back to take another photo without him that he wouldn’t come into work. His mom also said we were all monsters and terrible people. This went on for at least ten minutes and reduced my poor coworker to tears.
    At no point did Fred tell us directly he was upset with us, and the next day he came into work like nothing had happened.

    The other situation this mom caused was even weirder. We worked at a zoo, and if non-zoo animals were found on grounds they had to be captured and taken to the vet for observation/testing (because zoonotic diseases are a common problem for zoos). We found a litter of kittens near our camp office, and let security know they needed to be captured. Our boss specifically told us to NOT pick up or go near the kittens.
    Fred decided to take one home, and when our boss found out she talked to him and reprimanded him.
    When his mom found out, she called several zoo departments, including the vet office and other random offices, to tell them that our boss was wrong and HOW DARE SHE speak to Fred that way. She went on to talk about how he was correct in taking a feral cat off zoo grounds to “save it” instead of following our procedures. She even managed to call the director of our department.
    My poor boss had to go around to each dept and apologize for the angry lady who yelled at them on the phone.

    The worst part was my boss STILL had a soft spot for Fred, and he never got disciplined for any of this. He was even hired back the next summer, even though he no called/no showed to the entire last week of camp.

  200. The Guacamolier*

    So, when my son turned 15, he began applying for jobs. He wasn’t having much luck. He got maybe 3 or 4 interviews and no offers. He has high functioning autism and can sometimes have a flat affect. He also has a wickedly sarcastic and dark sense of humor. I had no idea how he was presenting himself in interviews. He really wanted to work.

    We role played a few standard interview questions and then, one weekday afternoon I took him to the local mall. He has four younger sisters. I took them downstairs to the play area, giving him time to apply at every place in the mall, if he wanted.

    About 45 minutes later, he comes back to the play area. “I think I got a job,” he says, sheepishly. I’m like “Really?? That’s great! Where is it?” He’s like “At the pizza place in the food court. But…they said they need to interview YOU before they will make me the offer.” I felt like it was probably a mistake but, knowing how badly he wanted to work, I went.

    The pizza manager asked me a bunch of questions about my son’s work experience (none), cooking experience (some), cash-handling experience (some) and asked if he had reliable transportation to work. I told her that if he couldn’t get a ride from me or his grandmother that he would Uber to work. She told me that Lyft was much cheaper, that she uses them to get to work sometimes when she knows she’s “going out drinking” after.

    Two months later, my son changed his phone number and forgot to update it with them. They attempted to change his schedule by leaving him a voice message…but he never got it because it went to his old phone number. They said they were putting him on “probation.” He never heard from them again. He now makes $17 an hour spinning signs by the side of the road.

  201. It’s all good*

    A HR Director for a fairly large company (2K+ employees) picked up her daughter’s last check because the daughter did not want to.

  202. Dove*

    During the first couple weeks at my previous job, I had a lady call in and ask me to tell her how much was owing on the account she was calling about. Which normally wouldn’t be an issue, except she was (allegedly) calling about her daughter’s account.

    And we’d had it drummed into us during training that we could only discuss account information with verified contacts. Lady was not listed as a verified contact on the account, so I explained to her that I couldn’t discuss that information.

    “But what if I want to pay the bill?” Well, if you want to put money on the account, ma’am, I’ll be happy to take a one-time payment from you. “But how much am I paying?” How much do you want to pay? “No, how much is the bill?” I can’t discuss that with someone who isn’t listed as a verified contact, but you can pay however much you want to. “I’m her mother! Why aren’t I a verified contact!” I really can’t guess, ma’am, you’ll have to discuss that with her.

    At the time, I thought it was just some weird scam by someone trying to gain unauthorized access to this poor woman’s phone account. But with some of these stories, I’m wondering now if that actually *was* her mother! (And I don’t blame her for not listing Mommy Dearest as a verified contact!)

  203. ALH*

    I was getting promoted and partly responsible for finding my replacement for a front-desk position. My boss and I interviewed a younger applicant in their earlier 20s or so. They weren’t a strong applicant and didn’t seem like they would be well-suited to the job, especially once one of our coworkers told us that when she happened to be standing outside for a smoking break, she saw that this person’s mom drove them and was waiting outside the car for them. Okay, so now we know we’re definitely not hiring the kid.

    The next day, a woman comes in and interviews for the position. Nothing stands out from the interview, except as soon as we finish the same
    coworker rushes up to my boss and me and tells us it’s the mom of person who interviewed yesterday!

    So many questions! Was the mom trying to undermine her child and get the same position? Did the first applicant know? Were they just hoping at least one of them would get it?

    1. CoolInTheShade*

      Oof, I’d hope that you wouldn’t disqualify someone just because they had someone else drive them to the interview as long as the driver stayed outside in the car or at a nearby coffee shop. People have all sorts of reasons for not being able to drive themselves.

    2. House Tyrell*

      I wouldn’t have added their mom driving them as a reason to not hire. I didn’t have a license until after my first semester of college or a car until this January (I just turned 23 a few weeks ago.) My job the summer before I started college was as a server and I either walked the (just under) two miles to work or my mom or dad drove me and picked me up if I was a closer and wouldn’t be cut until 2:30am. When I moved to campus, I took jobs on and next to campus and walked, or my roommate or a friend would drive me if there was really bad weather- my city has no public transit. Other friends with no cars take Ubers or Lyfts if they can’t get a ride from someone and never miss shifts.

      Since they weren’t a strong candidate anyway, it doesn’t matter, but there are lots of reasons people don’t have cars. Mostly because they’re expensive. The car I have today is 15 years old and was given to me for free by a family member who got a new car.

  204. Cosmographia*

    I’m late to the party on this, but I couldn’t resist. Eight years of management in retail have brought me SO MANY ridiculous helicopter parents.

    But the most ridiculous was a helicopter uncle. The guy ranted at me for over half an hour because his niece had to work on his birthday and so couldn’t come to his birthday party…eventually I got him to actually tell me his niece’s name, and it wasn’t even one of my employees! I found out later she had just gotten a job at a location across town, and evidently her mother and father had also demanded she get the day off, so that store manager fired her. I felt bad for the poor girl— in her shoes I’d rather work than spend time with loony uncle.

    1. Susana*

      Oh that’s awful. I wouldn’t assume the employee had any idea parents or uncles were calling…

  205. CatLady*

    Lets see – had someone’s mom call to ask if they could apply for a job. I said please have them apply. Boss made me interview the kid and he clearly could not care less to be there. Mom wanted to know why he didn’t get the job. BTW it was business dress code and he showed up in a polo and jeans.

    Had someone excellent come in for an interview…but he brought his dad. They were well connected so I had to interview and hire. Turned out to be excellent but still…don’t bring dad to the interview.

  206. Clare*

    My mother. After I lost my job whilst on trial period (all fair, I’d had an extended period of illness and they simply needed someone who could be at work), my mother rang them without my knowledge or consent and BEGGED them to give the job back. Obviously they didn’t, and I apologised to them, adding that I perfectly understood and accepted why I no longer had the job.

    I told my mother I wouldn’t give her details of future jobs… so she just googles me instead. And rings the company when I don’t answer her calls when she thinks I should. Unfortunately at one job I had a manager who saw herself as my ‘work mother’s and would still entertain my mum’s calls even when I requested that she didn’t.

    1. CoolInTheShade*

      Oh no! I’m so sorry!

      I used to manage interns, so I’ve seen this kind of thing happen from time to time. I’ve had to explain to a few friends/acquaintances that if they call up their child’s employer, their child CAN be fired or disciplined (while I hope that employers are reasonable and understand it’s not the child’s fault, I am trying to get it through these parents’ heads that this kind of behavior has real consequences!)

  207. CoolInTheShade*

    I have a friend who has a son in high school who just turned 18. The son was fired after the first day on the job due to a combination of the son making an understandable mistake and some bad luck.

    I am trying to talk my friend (the dad) down from contacting the owner of the business to get the “bad luck” portion of the firing expunged from his record. He wants to make sure his son isn’t marked as “not rehireable”. I’ve tried multiple times to explain to him that A) this was literally a one-day job working for a cash-only type establishment, and that the boy should just leave the job off of future applications and move on with his life, and B) even if he is marked as “not rehireable”, they’re certainly not going to change it because the employee’s parent called and harrassed them!

    I’m sure he’s still going to call them up. I tried.

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