weekend free-for-all – July 27-28, 2019

by Alison Green on July 27, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Mrs. Everything, by Jennifer Weiner. Sprawling over seven decades, this is the story of two very different sisters and how they change as the world, and especially women, change. A long family saga wins again!

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Agent J*

    Is there a way to generally search the comments on the AAM site without knowing which letter/link they’re associated with? Using the site’s search and Googling only brings up letters with the search terms but not comments with those terms, if that makes sense.

    Sometimes a letter sparks a great conversation that I want to refer back to later but without remembering exactly which letter it was, it’s difficult to find (unless I’m not doing it right).

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      In Google, put this in front of your search terms:
      site:askamanager.org

      That will confine your search to the site, and it’ll search comments as well as posts.

      And actually, the site search engine will search comments too (but I think it’ll return posts first). I find the above method the easiest though.

      2. OhBehave*

        I tried this with search terms. It gave me every instance of the two words together and separately. Adding quotation marks around the term, I got results with only those words.
        However, in searching my user name, it will give me all posts with my comments but will not take me to my comment.

          1. Marzipan*

            But, once you’re into that page you can do whatever the relevant ‘find’ option is for the device you’re on, and search for your username.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Are you sure? When I use the “Search This Site” field in the upper right, it finds comments, too. But yeah, it depends on the terms you use. It may be more rigid than a normal google search, in which case Alison’s search should use the full Google “natural language” guesses about what you mean, which are either really good, or really annoying (if you know exactly what you are searching for, put it in quotes).

      1. Lena Clare*

        Yes, I think if you untick the set collapse all as default site-wide box, your search terms will find the comments also.

  2. LittleBeans*

    What credit card do you like and why? Just got married and my husband and I are looking to get a joint card. Will probably be used for a lot of groceries, restaurants, maybe some travel.

    1. HA2*

      I just use one with the highest percent cash back. The Fidelity Visa card has 2% back on everything which is what I have, I think there’s one or two other cards that give a flat 2% back on everything. I’ve never seen above 2%.

      1. CatCat*

        Yeah, this is my favorite too. No need to think about any particular categories. 2% back on everything and rewards can automatically be redeemed into a Fidelity account.

    2. JKP*

      If Southwest flies out of your airport, the Southwest card racks up miles pretty good. The miles are easy to use with no blackout, and you can cancel at the last minute without an penalty and get all your miles back.

      But the interest rate is unreasonable, so you wouldn’t want to carry a balance on it. But it’s a good card if you put your monthly expenses on it and pay it off every month.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Discovercard has a varying program of higher cash back categories. ..might be quarterly but I just know I sign up each time. I don’t change my spending for it.
      (Although I did once schedule a family celebration dinner a little early to fit it in before the end of a ‘restaurants ‘ period.)
      There’sone trivial thing that has me use my Discovercard more than my other credit card–the edge of the card is orange which means less fumbling in my wallet than for any other piece of plastic. Brilliant bit of marketing, that.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Spouse has a Discover card, and after research it’s what we recommended for our kids as they got old enough to need one. For the cash back rewards program, which is straightforward and useful. (A lot of the high rewards cards that sound so great in offers require you to put $7000 in charges on in the first 2 months. Great if you have that in savings and were about to spend that on furniture or travel; otherwise useless.)

        Some spots only take Visa or Mastercard, but our bank debit cards are MC debit cards so that was covered.

      2. Southern Metalsmith*

        Discover is also my favorite. In addition to what Seeking Second Childhood says, they have great customer service and have always been pleasant to deal with. I have security locked down pretty hard on mine so any time I travel I have to let them know. And if I go to a fair or some gathering with vendors from all over, they’ll notice if I buy something from a vendor in North Carolina and then 30 minutes later from New Jersey and they disallow the second. A short phone call and I’m fine and back to business. I really appreciate that they are so attentive to anomalies in purchasing patterns since I’ve had card numbers stolen in the past. ( I try not to be too creeped out about knowing perfect strangers know how and where I shop.)
        Oh, and they let you choose the picture on the front. I loved the clown fish I had for years, but they stopped offering that one, and now I have a picture of a tropical island.

      3. Booksalot*

        I am hugely loyal to Discover because of how easy they have made it for me to deal with identity theft. I was part of multiple big breaches (IRS, Target, Equifax) and had a slew of suspicious charges over several years. Every time something weird shows up, they catch it and e-mail me a confirmation request right away. Calling for help always gets me an actual human who is pleasant and helpful. Their customer service is top notch.

        I also like that their rewards are straight-up cash. I can’t be bothered with points or miles or other conversion nonsense. Just actual money, which I can apply directly to paying my bill.

      4. KR*

        Love Discover. You get rewards and you also get free credit monitoring and can view your credit score at any time (they update it once a month). I don’t think it includes everything but it’s a pretty accurate score. I haven’t got a late fee once from them for forgetting to pay my balance.

    4. LDN Layabout*

      I’m in the UK, so probably not useful for you, but the standard advice is to get as much back as you can and it’s usually points or cashback. I like to travel and have my favourite airlines so for me it’s points and a card with 0% fees on overseas transactions.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If you are a Costco member, the Costco visa:

      4% gas
      3% travel and restaurants
      2% Costco
      1% the rest
      No FTF
      Has contactless function so can use it places like the London Underground that require that

      I also have the Fidelity card – flat 2% is good.

      If you plan international travel, have at least one card without FTF, preferably with a chip and with contactless functionality.

    6. tab*

      I live in a Delta hub, so I like the Delta Reserve AmExp card. If you use other airlines, the Chase Sapphire Reserve is highly rated for travel benefits.

    7. jDC*

      USAA but of course you’d have to be military or Capitol One. I actually even use the Capitol One bank account. They are amazing. No fees!

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        +1 for USAA. We’ve been treated fantastically by them for our mortgage. We use Navy Federal for credit, and it’s been great customer service (and the app works well too).

        I also have Discover, and have had a crap ton of issues with their customer service losing my payments. The cashback is okay, but we really don’t use it enough to justify to be honest.

    8. BRR*

      I have two but the one I want to point out is the Amex blue cash preferred. The downside is it has an annual fee but it offers 6% on groceries among other things. I would look at nerd wallet as a resource.

    9. Aurora Leigh*

      I have the Amazon Chase card. There’s 3% back on Amazon purchases, 2% back on gas and restraunts, and 1% back on everything else.

      I will look into that 2% back on everything Fidelity card though!

      1. Handy Nickname*

        +1 to the amazon card. I do a lot of shopping on amazon and love the 5% back there, plus the pours is money towards amazon. They sometimes run other specials too, so for one month I got 4% back on all gas purchases.
        I’m excited about the new Apple Card coming out this summer yet too. 2% on everything instantly (vs at the end of the billing cycle/quarter), and as cash not points . Looks like there management features will be pretty robust too- communicate with customer support by text and pay bills that way, adjust your monthly payment see how much interest you’ll end up paying. And it’s a sweet looking card too ;-)

    10. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Nerd Wallet is a great source to sort through the options. Also if you use Credit Karma they can show you great choices too.

    11. Kim, No Longer Esq.*

      We have Chase Sapphire, no annual fee and lots of cash back. I’ve also had my card frauded, over the course of my membership, probably around 6 times, and not once have I ever run into trouble with it; never had to pay for a single purchase I didn’t make (and I think I even accidentally marked one as fraudulent that one of us HAD made :/ )

      1. Sled dog mama*

        We have a chase sapphire as well and love it!
        I also have a secondary card from chase (can’t really recommend the specific card because I picked it for very specific reasons and use it only for work travel) but we’ve had nothing but good experiences with chase.
        We previously had a us bank card that offered blanket 2% and higher in certain categories but the categories never seemed to match our spending even when you thought they should. So if you do your grocery shopping at Walmart or Target you probably won’t get the grocery category because it’s based on how the merchant is coded not what you actually purchase.
        At any rate we did not like card because it was hard to get customer service on the phone (which would probably extend to any us bank card) and it had strange categories (for me, I don’t spend on gym memberships so that one was worthless).

      2. Biggles*

        We use Chase Sapphire too and really like it. Easy to use app and good return on points overall.

    12. Gir*

      We’re talking about getting a Capital One Savor card. It gives like 2-4% cash back on groceries, restaurants and entertainment I think it was, then something like 1% cash back for everything else.

    13. lifesempossible*

      +1 to the Amazon card or Costco card.
      I have both cards, and both have great cash back options! Plus the fee to be a Prime or Exclusive member covers any annual card fee. (That’s about $120 for each spot, which is about the same cost to have the great rewards of a Discover card. However, because I’d already want the services anyway, it makes sense to bundle it.)

      Amazon Prime card is 5% on anything Amazon, 2% gas station/restaurant, and 1% everything else.
      I believe Costco is 4% anything from their store (including gas and liquor), 2% restaurant, and 1% everything else.

      Amazon uses Chase cards, which I’ve had great experiences with their customer service and easy-to-use website. Costco goes through Citi, and I just got that a couple weeks ago, so not much to comment on. Both are used through VISA, as well. (VISA is pretty universal, whereas something like Mastercard has more limits.)

      Look at the cash-back options in the long run. Sign-on bonuses are nice and people who are serious card hackers can reap those, BUT you have to be pretty vigilant in that game. For a first card, I’d recommend a card that you will keep in the long run, as that boosts your credit score. Part of the long-run game, too, is whether you will continue to use the service for a longer time. Really, you have to look where you shop. I have weighed pros and cons of a Target card, too. That one saves you 5% each visit, which isn’t a cash payout, but a cash savings. The one benefit of a cash back is that you can use it for something special… like I already have 75% of my Christmas money saved! If you are a serious traveler, Chase has an amazing travel card that extends all your reward points by when it comes to travel. So really, my advice is to consider where you shop, what you what the rewards for, and look at the card fees. All the best cards with high cash back will have fees of $120-150, except if you bundle it with a big-name retailer (i.e. Amazon, Costco, Target).

  3. Disgruntled Daughter*

    Trigger warning: sexual assault, abuse

    Thank you all so much for your support so far as I work to set up financial boundaries with my mom. I’m faced with a new issue in super nee territory and I’m not sure what to do.

    My mom is writing a book on her life. I think it’s a great idea to help her process all the crappy things that have happened to her. She’s been abused, sexually assaulted, abandoned, addicted to drugs, and many other things. I don’t think she’s properly dealt with a lot of the trauma she’s been through and I think writing it out is a pathway to healing.

    The issue is that she wants constant feedback on the content. And a lot of it is disturbing. She says she kept a lot of it from my brother and I to protect us but now she wants to document and share it as a legacy of the resilience of our family and how far she has grown. But I do not want to be involved in this. Beyond her multiple requests for feedback and affirmation every few pages, I don’t think I want to know all of the horrific things that happened to her. I already know my grandparents and great-grandparents did some messed up stuff; reading makes me feel exposed and vulnerable to trauma without the tools or resources to help her with it. It’s like witnessing a car accident over and over again and being helpless to do anything.

    She’s slowed down the requests for feedback. But moving forward, how can I support my mom in this endeavor without getting into the details of the book itself?

    1. Marzipan*

      I’m sure other people are going to talk about the (absolutely understandable and tough) emotional aspect, so I’ll focus instead on the writing part.

      Giving feedback on writing (in the sense of real, actionable comment designed to help the writer strengthen their work) is actually quite a skilled task, so unless it’s something you’ve personally studied or do in a professional capacity then you may not be the best person for that task, and you could acknowledge that you’ve realised that.

      So, in terms of the actual proposition of writing a book and wanting help and feedback on it, it might be good to help her seek out resources to strengthen her writing skills generally (books, oblige classes, local classes, online communities). I’d suggest treading a bit carefully given the subject matter – not everyone would feel comfortable reading it or be the right person to do so. But I’m thinking you could lean into the craft aspect of what she’s doing – because it absolutely is a craft – and support her by helping her find resources to develop those craft skills. That way, you could take a step back from the actual content and more be there to cheerlead the project generally. Even if she’s seeing it as primarily a therapeutic project, a focus on the craft skills involved could still be a good way of offering encouragement and boosting her belief in her ability to achieve her goal.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Excellent advice.

        I have actually worked as an editor/book coach with some folks who wanted to write trauma memoirs. There are two aspects, both of which should be handled by a professional instead of by you.

        1) The writer has to work through the trauma and process it in a safe setting. This is what your mom is trying to do with you, but you are not the appropriate person.

        It’s not uncommon for people to embue the writing process with magical properties. Many folks believe that if they can just describe the things that happened to them on paper, it will a) immediately make them healed, b) their lives will be transformed from their current struggle to a state of success and happiness, and c) their first draft will be just as meaningful and transformational to other people.

        This is an illusion, of course. Putting things on paper does make you feel better, and you get some sense of control and distance by being able to put those memories and feelings outside your head, into a separate container that you can close and put away. For some people, particularly with less-extensive issues, this first round of venting is helpful, but they still need time to let everything settle and work through their system before working with it as a manuscript.

        If private journaling is not enough to help her (which for something this intense, I expect not), then she needs to take these writings to a therapist and work through them there. If finances are an issue, there are many nonprofits that offer low-cost, sliding scale, or even free counseling. Another option would be to join a recovery group or support group for addiction or abuse.

        This is not your job. Being raised by a parent who is addicted or struggling with unprocessed abuse is enough of a job already. You did that part, you survived and created your own life. YOU DID YOUR PART ALREADY.

        2) After — repeat, *after* — the writer has achieved distance from the material and some measure of objectivity, they can start looking at it as a manuscript. Nobody can write a coherent, readable, or saleable book while they are in the throes of dredging up unprocessed trauma. It doesn’t work like that. If she is dealing with this stuff for the first time, it is a journal. Not a book.

        After the healing stage, then she’ll be ready to have conversations with an editor or a critique group. She is not ready for that now. Those conversations include remarks like,
        “I don’t understand this description. It doesn’t make sense.”
        “This sounds unrealistic.”
        “This timeline is confusing. These things couldn’t have happened in this order.”
        “This is boring. You should cut it.”
        “You’re going on about this at great length, but it doesn’t seem that significant compared to this other thing.”

        I guarantee she is *not* prepared to have those conversations right now.

        Encourage her to keep writing if it’s doing her good. Feel free to tell her that reading it is NOT doing you good. You don’t have to torture yourself to make her feel better.

        Tell her about this two-stage process, and encourage her to work through the healing part with a therapist or support group. Asking you to read and validate this stuff is not going to benefit the end product. It’s not going to benefit her healing. And it’s definitely not benefiting you.

        1. Marzipan*

          This is really what I was getting at and didn’t express anywhere near as clearly as you!

          I think something people often don’t realise about non-fiction is that it’s not just a question of writing true things down and that being that. Writing a non-fiction book requires just as much attention to character, structure etc as fiction does. And it’s really, really hard to give actionable feedback to someone about, effectively, their own trauma. You’ve really summed up what I was feeling around the writing/feedback aspects of this in a very informative way.

    2. Asta*

      It’s really absolutely ok to protect yourself from vicarious trauma. I don’t know what to advise, but try to be gentle with yourself.

    3. Anonymous superhero*

      Could you suggest an acquaintance who could/would read the work for writing feedback but is removed enough not to feel emotionally affected? Especially maybe someone who directly or peripherally works with difficult/traumatic subject matter and is used to coping and not letting it affect them? You could sell it to your mum as, “actually this person will be loads more objective and the feedback will be more meaningful, I think they can really help you” so you are providing a supporting resource without draining your own emotional capacity. Plus the chances are their feedback will be more honest as they are not emotionally linked to your mother (and as such not hidebound by worrying by offending her wit criticism).
      I thought of this because there are people (like me) who deal with reading/seeing disturbing things daily as our job, and we know how to deal with it (or spot if we aren’t dealing with it well). If I was asked this by a friend or acquaintance re writing by their family member, I’d be happy to help with a request like this in principle.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Get very specific, maybe? Tell her that reading about the things she endured makes you feel (adapt for your own experience, but e.g.) scared and panicky, giving you a really fast heartbeat and a metallic taste in your mouth, and you get so anxious that you can’t think straight, so it’s impossible for you to give any kind of thought or any kind of feedback as to what a reader might think of her writing. I normally wouldn’t recommend giving this much insight to someone with whom you have a difficult relationship, but besides what Marzipan said (which might be enough on its own), you really won’t be able to even tell her what an average reader might think of what she wrote because of it’s highly personalized effect on you.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Tell her that she needs an objective third party to help her. as a family member you are too close to the setting to be objective. I really don’t think that she will gain what she is looking for in a finished work by asking family. HOWEVER, she may not desire a finished piece, she may just want to vent to family.

      If resilience is her theme then she needs to show how resilience came into play over and over again. And that does have to be laid out in words because it will not be clear to the reader. Using your car accident example, as a casual observer I have no idea what the driver was thinking or how they tried to save themselves or what they did when they saw all the damage from the accident. I can’t see this by just driving by an accident. Same goes for a reader, they can’t see what your mom was thinking, how she tried to help herself or how she tried to deal with the fallout from all the crap that went on. She needs to spell this all out in words.

      I picture her writing going something like this: Rotten Thing A happened to us. Rotten Thing B happened to us. Rotten Thing C happened to us. [And respectfully, these are truly rotten things that no human being should ever go through.] She can broaden these stories. What did she think? How did she keep moving and keep going? What happened when she wanted to give up?

      This is why I say, an objective third party would be the best person for her to work with. It’s not your job to be her counselor/editor.

    7. Approval is optional*

      I second the idea of trying to point your mother in the direction of an objective reviewer, but if that isn’t possible you could try a strategy that worked for a friend of mine.
      A few years ago, her cousin produced a TV series that would probably have triggered my friend’s PTSD if she’d watched it. The cousin didn’t know about the PTSD, or the events that led to it, and asked for feedback on the series. Trying to come up with a good way to avoid giving feedback was having a negative impact on my friend, mental health wise (her cousin was the pushiest person I’ve ever met, and I’ve been around!), so I offered to watch it for her, and each week I gave her a few bits of feedback on/questions to ask about non-triggering parts -along the lines of , ‘my favourite part was X – it really made me think about …./the funniest bit was Y – I laughed out loud/I thought locating the first scene in the cave was cool – what made you choose that?’, that she could pass off as her own.
      Whether this would work for you depends on what sort of feedback your mother is looking for, what sort of discussions she’ll want to have about your feedback, whether you want to inflict the book on your friends etc, and of course how you want to balance self-care with honesty, but it worked for my friend.

    8. Courageous cat*

      Reminds me of a Vice? article on emotional incest. I would look into that. It is not ok for a parent to use a child for that, imo.

    9. AnonAcademic*

      “I’m not the right person to give you feedback on this. It hits too close to home for me emotionally. I support your writing project and if you want me to review chapters that focus on positive memories, I can do that. But I can’t read or give feedback on the other parts.”

      I’ve said this nearly verbatim when my partner is recounting conflicts that trigger my PTSD-like responses. Your mother is on her own healing journey but it shouldn’t come at the cost of yours. You’re not her therapist and what she’s doing sounds a lot like prolonged exposure therapy for PTSD, which often involves writing a trauma narrative and then hearing/reading it over and over until it loses some of its emotional power. You don’t need to read her writing any more than you’d need to sit in on a therapy session of hers if that we the route she was taking.

      1. ..Kat..*

        I like your wording. Since Mom is a boundary pusher, I would not offer to read the “positive “ parts.

    10. Lobsterman*

      If she cared about your well-being, she would not ask. The boundary can be 100%; you’re completely in the right

      1. WS*

        At the moment, the mother might not understand how hurtful this is to OP, especially as it’s healing and therapeutic to her. If she is told no, and why, and then keeps pushing anyway, *then* I’d say she doesn’t care about OP’s well-being. I agree that the boundary can be 100% and OP is completely in the right.

    11. Observer*

      You’ve gotten some good practical advice. The thing you need to keep in mind as you figure out specific next steps is that this is, again, an issue of boundaries. You have the right – possibly even obligation – to set appropriate boundaries. Refusing to be the editor of your mother’s first draft of her memoirs (or of any draft, for that matter) is a totally reasonable boundary to set.

    12. smoke tree*

      I don’t know your mom, but it sounds like she may be using this project as an excuse to work through these experiences with you. To my view, she should really be seeing a therapist for the emotional side of this, and it can’t be healthy for either of you to keep dwelling on this material. I think you’d be totally in your rights to say that she should be seeing a therapist for the emotional side, and perhaps a writers’ group or experienced beta reader for the literary side (with the caveat that they’re comfortable with this kind of project) and you’re not the best person for either of these roles.

  4. Marzipan*

    I had my double-donor embryo transfer on Wednesday. It wasn’t completely awful! Normally it’s terrible because of the full bladder thing but this time it was a different doctor and he took one look at me (basically already crying) and told me to go empty it out as much as I liked, and not to worry about it at all because he’d do the transfer no matter what. So I was actually somewhat coherent throughout and he is my new hero.

    One day 5 blastocyst transferred, and there were four more early blastocysts that they were going to see if they could get fast enough along to freeze – don’t know yet whether they managed this.

    As ever I don’t believe it could possibly have worked and am super pessimistic about the whole thing. Also we’re currently having a heatwave so I am irrationally convinced I’ve cooked the embryo!

    2. Shiny Swampert*

      All fingers and toes crossed.
      I relate to the “cooked the embryo” fear. When pregnant after my miscarriage I flew and I was convinced that doing so had killed the baby. It was horrifically stressful. He’s 8 now.

      Sending support.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Solidarity here too — I’m sure MANY of us have “OH NO I’VE IRREVERSIBLY DAMAGED/KILLED MY KID” pregnancy stories.

    4. MatKnifeNinja*

      Marzi,

      ((<3))

      Offering up good vibes your way, that everything goes according to plan, and you only receive good news.

      Hang in there.

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending positive, warm thoughts your way… It’s great that you have a good doctor – what good start!

  5. many bells down*

    Is anyone else watching Harlots? Can we talk about this week’s episode because oh my God

    1. Rebecca*

      I am, but I’m trying to stay away from comments, as I’m only in season 2 – Mom stuff – and I just discovered it on Hulu a few months ago!

  6. Unemployed in Greenland*

    cw: budget catastrophes, too much reliance on alcohol, stress.
    People. PEOPLE. Do you know what’s expensive? Booze is expensive!!!!
    ;___; In other words: I’m tracking every single penny I spend, and have been, for the past few months. This past month, it looks as though I’m coming in to having spent 1.5x on alcohol as on groceries. This – along with so much else – has to change!

    And of course I’m not just wanting to switch out for lower quality alcohol. I’m just edging round to having to create an Actual Budget™ and stick to it. Any recommendations, or advice? I’m poking gingerly at the “You Need a Budget” book – not the program itself, not yet – and feeling overwhelmed.

    1. Agent J*

      Are you spending more on alcohol for home or when you go out? Cutting back on buying alcohol for the house and limiting the number of happy hours I go to has helped me save money.

      Also, YNAB has literally changed the way i see budgeting. I can’t recommend the program enough. It can be overwhelming at first to get set up and use it properly but once you do, it’s amazing (imo)!

    2. Blarg*

      If the drinking is when you are out with friends and you plan to keep going out with friends, don’t fall into “I feel badly that I’m not drinking and wasting this spot at the table/annoying the bartender” and end up buying lots of food. I did that for years and ended up with a lot of heartburn and sometimes just as high tabs. Those potato skins and side salads weren’t on happy hour special like my friends’ pints… Now if I go out, I get a soda/seltzer, and just make sure I tip really well. Takes care of the guilt, saves me money, and greatly reduced the tums intake. :)

    3. Jeannie*

      Have a look at this: https://www.kokotala.com/ They are about to launch an app. I’m not sure of the international uses of it, but from all reports it makes budgeting really straightforward – and because it’s an app, you will always have it with you when you are out and about spending.

    4. CatCat*

      I encourage you to finish the YNAB book and try the program. They have free live webinar classes that are really helpful. I’ve heard a lot of people recommend videos about YNAB on YouTube by Nick True. There’s a very, very helpful facebook forum called “YNAB fans!” But start with the book and give yourself timr to think about it.

      There is a learning curve and you will make some mistakes. But once you learn it, it’s incredibly powerful and freeing, imo. It really helps you set your priorities. It’s great that you’re starting to see that with tracking the expenses.

      If you’re wanting to cut back on alcohol because of the cost, but want high quality, maybe focus on only a few versatile alcohols. Like 1-3 that will be the base for your cocktails. I loooove the book “The 12 Bottle Bar,” which focuses on this concept along with a lot of fun recipes.

      1. Close Bracket*

        My 12 bottle bar has 6 each of fancy gin and fancy whiskey. :) I’m a simple woman.

    5. Marzipan*

      I see you’ve identified “budget catastrophes,” and also “too much reliance on alcohol” as being of concern. Others have already started to give you helpful pointers about the budget aspect, so I want to ask you some more about the alcohol aspect. What’s your relationship with alcohol like at the moment? What would you like it to look like? Budget may absolutely be a helpful tool in addressing that (and a separate issue that you also will want to think about anyway) but it’s probably worth also having a think about alcohol aside from that, if it’s worrying you.

    6. YetAnotherUsername*

      Before I had a good salary I used To go off alcohol entirely for 3 months at a time. I would drink red bull if I was out dancing. There were two reasons for this:
      1 saves money during the 3 months
      2 after the 3 months your tolerance is really really low so you can get drunk on only 2 or 3 drinks. It takes a while for your tolerance to build back up again. So you continue saving money after the three months. (I would drink a pint of water with a dash of lime or something like that between every drink jn this stage).

      When my tolerance got high enough that going drinking was expensive again it was time foe another alcohol free period.

      You may not want To go cold turkey but it is a great way to save. Plus with the red bull you can still have a great night.

    7. Koala dreams*

      I don’t drink alcohol, instead I drink juice or soda when going out with friends. I also love tea but not all bars serve it. At home, I like to do my own ice tea now and then. It’s cheap and seem more luxurious than ice tea from the grocery store. Also, if you are drinking with friends you can tell them that you have a white month/year and ask for their help in coming up with non alcohol related hangouts.

    8. Parenthetically*

      Oof, I feel these feels. At various times in my life I’ve used alcohol to manage stress and for me there’s nothing for it but to say, “Right, I get two alcohol units a week and I’d better use them wisely.” For me, drinking a lot and spending a lot of money compound my stress long-term, despite seeming like great self-soothing strategies in the moment. Even when I’m not on a strict limit, for me it’s really important to manage the other aspects of my life better so I’m not spending just building up stress upon stress. This means stuff like: better meal planning and smarter grocery shopping so I’m not tempted to go out/order in as much, drinking plenty of water since I’ve seen a very bright clear line between “how dehydrated I am” and “how much I am dying for a drink at the end of the day,” decent sleep hygiene/nutrition/sunlight, etc.

      I also think it’s totally possible to take baby steps when it comes to budget things once you’ve worked out what the big YIKES items are. So you spent X this month on booze, next month your budget is .75x and you tackle another smaller category. Then the next month you spend .5x on booze and tackle another category. You don’t have to and probably shouldn’t try to address every single budgetary issue right off the bat.

      Good luck!

    9. MissDisplaced*

      This! I tell my husband this all the time!
      He doesn’t make much and is always broke and wonders why, yet he smokes and goes to the bar 2x a week and drinks. Like, dude, I bet you spend $100 or more per week on that! No sympathy!

    10. Policy wonk*

      For financial advice I recommend Michelle Singletary in the Washington Post. She has a column, The Color of Money, and does live chats (text based, not audio) on Thursdays. I don’t always agree with her, but good, practical, down-to-earth advice

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I am a fan of going to the source of the problems.
      What are you doing to reduce your stress load?
      How is your self-talk, do you congratulate yourself for taking steps or do you focus on the negative?
      Taking walks is a good method of dealing with stress. It does not have to be long walks, 15 minutes every other day is probably going to give you some benefit.

      Budgets aren’t built in one sitting or one week or even in one year. We start with an outline of what we know comes up. Then as time marches on we remember– oh yeah, car registration! whoops, dog license! drrr, annual furnace maintenance! It takes time to find all the stupid things we have to put money into. This month alone, I had my driver’s license renewal, salt for the softener and small item for a minor household repair. If you try to make a perfect list of all expenses, you will never get back to living life.

      Take an hour. Write down everything you can think of then let it rest for a while. Then go back in a few days/a week and hold your checkbook/bank statement next to the budget you have so far and see what you missed. I think it’s helpful to just assume that I have missed stuff.

      But really. Taking walks. I cannot tell you how much that has helped me deal with life. So simple, yet it leads to larger things. When I walk, I can think things through in ways I cannot otherwise.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I know it sounds small, but the walks do help. I discounted this. But one very bad, stressful day last fall, when the world was falling down around me, I walked towards the sunset and looked up, and saw a rainbow. Just that… the fresh air after the rain, the rainbow, the sun breaking through the clouds… all of that was a small rescue of my heart in a time of financial and emotional stress. A reminder that the world is bigger than me, beautiful, and there is hope. Breathing correctly helps too, btw. Should change my user name to “too late smarter” – years of anxiety when I could have taken the edge off with “nature baths.”

    12. Alex*

      When you finally have a budget in place, it is SO FREEING. Really. I know that sounds weird but it was my experience. When you have a budget, you’ve made your financial decisions already, and so you don’t have to experience each purchase you make as a financial decision. The only question you need to ask is, “Do I have room in my budget for this? Yes/No?”

      Of course, using alcohol to reduce stress isn’t a great long term solution for any reason, let alone the fact that it is expensive. What is making you drink? What can you substitute for drinking? What if you gave yourself an “alcohol allowance” (like, only drink two days per week instead of five)? Could you stick to that or would that be a struggle for you?

      1. Majnoona*

        Someone else may have mentioned this but Mint is a great budget app and it’s free

      2. nonegiven*

        With YNAB, your budget is a living breathing thing on it’s own. You have to borrow from other categories for groceries every month? Why? Could it be you aren’t budgeting enough money in the first place? Also, I want to go out with friends and get a drink but my going out with friends category doesn’t have enough money, can I convince friends to do something cheaper? Do I have money in a lower priority category I can borrow from? Not the rent category, but maybe the next year vacation trip category or the video game category?

  7. matcha123*

    Dating outside of your socioeconomic group came up in an open thread a few weeks ago, and I have a few questions of my own related to that. Based on where I went to university and now where I work, the vast majority of men I meet who could be potential partners are coming from upper-class backgrounds, when I am from a very low-income background.

    My family (parent, myself, sibling) have all graduated from Good Universities. My parent and sibling both have Masters degrees, I only have a Bachelors. However, I have supported my family financially for years, only recently have I been able to start focusing on myself. And after reading through a lot of the comments here, I am wondering if my parent really was unlucky, and not just a problem like I’d often thought. They had the misfortune of being a racial minority, single parent, and not having family or community support. And as we all know, having a Bachelors or Masters doesn’t entitle you to a job…

    I am not interested in having a man take care of me while I spend his money and I try to express that through my actions (always offering to pay my half, ordering the cheapest options, not going out much in general).
    I just wonder if it’s worth it to try and date since people tend to want to pair off with people from similar backgrounds, and I find putting energy into showing that I’m not a gold-digger stressful. It’s also stressful having men assume that I’m lying about my background…perhaps because they expect low-income people to be inherently trashy?
    I also feel like when I ask some friends for advice about my situation, they imply that I am the problem. As in of course a guy from a stable background wouldn’t be interested in someone like me, and I’m dumb for even asking. Or am I overthinking this?

    1. Marzipan*

      I mean, you clearly aren’t a gold digger. What if you gave yourself permission to stop putting energy into showing that you aren’t one? Would dating seem more fun and worthwhile then?

      I guess the other question is, what are you hoping for, from dating – are you just open to seeing what happens, or is it a fun thing for you, or are you keen to find a true partner? Is it something you generally enjoy or generally find stressful? If the whole thing is currently not working for you, then not dating for a while is certainly an option.

      For what it’s worth, you sound awesome. Your parent sounds like they’ve helped you to become a fantastic person, in difficult circumstances. If anyone is giving you any weirdness about your background, the problem is not you; it’s that you’re talking to a massive cockwomble with his head wedged up his arse. Go forth and shine!

      1. matcha123*

        I definitely do not find dating fun! This year I’ve stopped trying and instead am focusing on things that will improve my life.
        I would like a long-term partner that I can trust and feel comfortable with. When I meet new people, I try to put myself in the mindset that we are equals, but little things happen that ‘out’ me and I feel this pressure to make sure they don’t think I was tricking them or that I am trying to use them for money.

        1. StrikingFalcon*

          It sounds like you are trying to pretend to be something you’re not and then getting stressed when the truth comes out. What if you gave yourself permission to just be honest and upfront, and took any annoyance as evidence of incompatibility rather than that you’re doing something wrong? You don’t want to date anyone who assumes people from low income backgrounds are gold diggers or trashy! Why would you? So be as upfront about what you want out of a relationship as you can be. If you’re doing online dating, put it in your profile! Let people self select out. If you’re meeting people other ways, talk about it on the first date. Be clear on things like your preference for dates is inexpensive things you both pay for half of, or that you don’t want kids, or whatever it is that you actually want. And try not to be defensive when it comes up. You’re looking for what you want and for someone who is compatible to share that with you.

    2. Not A Manager*

      “I also feel like when I ask some friends for advice about my situation, they imply that I am the problem. As in of course a guy from a stable background wouldn’t be interested in someone like me, and I’m dumb for even asking.”

      These are not good friends. Disregard them.

      1. matcha123*

        Two of them are pretty clueless. The few others who have given similar advice are coming from a good place. They are immigrants and many of the men I meet are from similar backgrounds, so they are giving it to me straight. I won’t say it doesn’t hurt, though!

    3. Agent J*

      I do think you’re overthinking this, in the sense that you’re probably worrying about something your dates are not. Your default is “I don’t want to look like a golddigger” but your dates (hopefully) are starting from “I want to get to know this person”. I think it’s okay to decrease some of the energy you put into not looking like a golddigger and put it into having fun, getting to know another person, and being yourself. The more energy you put toward it, the more they’ll notice or at least, the more it will color your dating experiences.

      1. matcha123*

        Thanks! Eating out is huge here, and my large city is quite expensive. I haven’t gotten past a third date in most cases. I’d hope to more affordable things in the future.

        1. Elephant in the room*

          I would concentrate on activities you enjoy rather than dining out. A walk in the park, bike ride, scrabble group, dance lessons, met up groups, whatever inexpensive activity you enjoy. That is where you meet partners who share your interests. Establish a friendship within a shared activity first, you will be able to be yourself. You won’t have to worry about seeming a gold digger.
          Good luck.

      2. Dan*

        The first few dates are about getting to know someone. But after the initial spark is established, then financial realities come into play. I’ll be honest, I turn that radar on after a few dates to see if I can figure out what’s up.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Golddigger. So I had the same attitude and I paid my way when I met my husband. And that did nothing, I still heard the term “golddigger”.
        Then I realized. The term was NOT about ME. It was more a reflection on my husband meaning he could not have possibly found a woman who loved him for who he is THEREFORE I must be a golddigger.
        The real slap in the face was directed at my husband, not me.

        IF you ever hear that term, look at the person who is using the term and ask yourself, what would motivate this particular person to use the term golddigger? Then go from there.

        1. matcha123*

          This is a perspective I’ve never looked at. When I did start doing online dating, I decided to meet the men who seemed compatible and then go from there. Some of them were not the kind of guys who’d be cast as the stereotypical ‘hero’ in a movie…some were chubby, one guy was about my height (5’2)…but I wanted to get to know them better because I’ve found that most of the guys I’ve fallen for were ones I wasn’t all that interested in initially.
          However, these online dates all seemed to act like I was trying to push something or that I was going to jump out and say I wanted a man to pay for my vacations. They acted like they were going to cut me off before I played them, when I wasn’t aiming to play them.
          Will be keeping your comment in mind.

    4. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I don’t think people are looking to find a partner from a similar background necessarily, but who are now in a similar place. You say “based on where I went to university and now where I work” and it strikes me that that gives you a huge amount of common ground with your dating pool. You are not fundamentally different from these people, although obviously your different backgrounds will inform your social and political opinions, financial habits, etc.

      In the twenty-first century a relationship really ought to be based on where you both are now, not how you got there. And everybody ought to be expecting to go halves on early dates / treat a partner when they feel inspired to do so / be open about their financial position when reaching any kind of pooling resources phase!

      1. matcha123*

        The similar place also worries me. I am definitely not in the same place as the guys I meet…they are more settled in at work and the majority seem to want kids (another issue). Generally they have done their traveling, bought the things they want, lived their life as they like…all due to their backgrounds.
        I have felt an annoyance from the guys that reads like I’m wasting their time. I’m in my mid-30s, and I think that men with a similar educational background assume that by this age I should have found my suitable job, have a good amount of savings, have done my travel and and now in a place where I know what I want because I am financially stable.

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          I’m not sure if you’re usimg an online profile of some kind or not, but I would put it all out there. You’re not interested in having kids. You’re at a place in your life now where you can travel and do the things and you’re looking for someone to do them with you. You’d like to go on dates that are interesting, inexpensive activities amd not just formal dinners. Frame it as what you ARE looking for, instead of NOT looking for. You might consider looking for slightly younger people, too, if you find your own age group is mostly in the ready to settle down mindset.

          1. matcha123*

            A friend said something along those lines: frame it in terms of what you are looking for. I’ve been reluctant to do that so obviously because for some reason the guys I meet tend to be very black and white in their thinking.
            “You said that you don’t know if you want to stay in this city, so that means we aren’t compatible.” Well, I would stay for the right person! No one wants to spend the rest of their life in an area where they have no chance at love if they can help it. This seems obvious to me, but maybe I need to think about how to spell it out differently…

        2. Dan*

          Annoyance might not be the right word, but I’ve read OLD profiles from people who made me wonder why they were even bothering. As in, “I’m not sure what I want to do with my life… I think I want to get a PhD in Europe or something.” I suppose they could be looking for a similar wanderlust, but as someone with a job I like and not a whole of geographic options from where to do it, I’m honestly looking for someone content with where they’re at. And the older I get, the less interest I am in partnering with someone getting through a PhD program or something like that.

          All that’s to say that I can understand a desire in one’s mid thirties to find a “mostly settled” partner or something along those lines. I think, though, from my perspective, that’s more of a state of mind than the state of one’s bank account. I live in an expensive area, so not having a big bank account and done lots of travel isn’t that big of a deal. But “financially stable” in general does matter. I married (and divorced) a financial wreck, I’m not doing it again.

          So, I think some of your concerns are real, but maybe not to quite the extent you might be thinking.

          1. Roja*

            I think there’s a difference too between “financial wreck” and someone who is stable but just lower income. Like, my husband and I are very financially stable, but we don’t have a lot of money to spend on fancy dates. I know very few people–most of whom I’d call comfortably middle class–who can afford to splash out on multiple fancy dinners a month. That doesn’t make someone a financial disaster; it makes them normal.

            Matcha, if someone you’re dating only cares about the number you’re earning and not what you do with it or anything else about you, they reeeeeally don’t deserve you.

            1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

              +1

              In fact, it sounds like a healthy filter for you, even if it may leave you with frustratingly few fish still in the pool.

              Also, other people’s “should” can get in the sea.

          2. Avasarala*

            This. I think many people in their 30s are looking for someone “stable” in the sense that they know who they are, they know what they want, and they have spent their 20s figuring that out.

            I was forgiving in my 20s if someone didn’t know how to cook well, or manage money, or know what they wanted to do for their career. In their 30s, I’d expect them to have a pretty good handle on 2 out of 3. And I’m much more confident to say “no thanks, have a nice life” if I find a fundamental incompatibility early on.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Matcha, the Right Guy won’t carry these assumptions. He just won’t.
          Use it as a people filter- guy has assumptions = “nope, not for me.”

          I have to be vague, sorry: My friend was comfy in life. He waited until he was much older than most to marry. He met a woman who wowed him. I mean really wowed him. She grew up with nothing, total poverty. Somehow her mother paid for her schooling. This woman in return bought her mother a house.
          I have to guess that she wowed my friend by her ability to take nothing and whip it up into something. And by her commitment to her family.

          My point is that LTRs are not a business deal. There is more to it. It’s about the quality of the person, their character, their ethics, what they do when no one is watching them. These are things money cannot buy, the person either has these qualities or they don’t. Back to my friend and his wife, she works at things and she commits to the people she loves. Now they work together taking care of both their families because they have the same values and the same priorities.

          If you boil relationships down to money and income you will have difficulty. I promise. Why would a partner want someone who makes less than they do? Why would any thinking human being allow themselves to be restricted by their partners’ smaller income??

          The flaw in these questions is that the questions assume money/income is the determining factor for any LTR and that is just not true.

    5. hazy days*

      Is there something about the story you tell yourself and your dates about your background that maybe isn’t helping? You’ve said you see her as a problem, but she doesn’t sound like one from the little you’ve said.

      From your description, it sounds like your mum is a hardworking, intelligent woman who values education, got her Masters from a good university, but who as a single mother of two with no family support, struggled financially. But she shared her values with her children and the result is that you are now where she might have been if there was more support for single parents. In Scandinavia, for example, your mum might have been able to have much more career success.

      Would it help you to see things in that way?

      1. matcha123*

        That might be it. I try to be very upfront and explain that certain activities are not in my budget (most vacations in general/travel, tons of eating out, etc.). I don’t go into much detail, just that paying off university loans and living alone means that I try to budget carefully.
        Which might be fine, but conversations about family vacations leave me with nothing to say. I try to ask about the guy’s experience and thoughts about those family vacations, but they ask me and I explain that my family did not go on vacations.
        After being on this site for a while, I have gone back and really reevaluated a lot of the thoughts my younger self had. Seeing other intelligent people struggle has really opened my eyes.

        1. Asenath*

          I’ve found over time that periodically something has caused me to re-evaluate the opinions of my younger self – the process can be a little disturbing (there’s usually a good reason I came up with my original reasons/explanations), but overall, I think it’s helped me understand myself and others better.

          My remaining two siblings had a fascinating and very frank email exchange a while back. I swear no two people experience and remember the same events the same way.

        2. Dan*

          Hm. I grew up broke in small towns, now live in a big city, and make a decent chunk of change. So I certainly get bits and pieces of various dynamics. Plus, I live a lifestyle that has to be very confusing to people who don’t know me very well. As in… I’ve mastered the miles an points game, and my job gives me a ton of leave every years, so I take 3-4 weeks off at a time, fly overseas (Europe, Asia, whatever) in business or first class, stay in decent hotels… yada yada. And at least from my sheltered view of the world growing up, stuff like that has to look like I’m rolling in it. I’m not. But when I date, it’s a topic that will inevitably come up.

          How soon are you getting into the “very upfront about finances” conversation? At least from my American view of the world, I’d find it offputting if someone was that direct with me within the first three dates. If things seem like they’re on a roll after the first few dates, *then* I’d want to have that conversation.

          That said, I dated someone casually for several months, and I couldn’t get a good read on this person’s financial expectations from a relationship, so I stopped seeing her. She had a job that didn’t pay well (plus had roommates) and would say stuff like *I* could find a job paying more money.

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            Similar a bit to Dan, except no longer have the FF miles. I no longer have the friend who looked at me and said “You can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear” about my background. That was the beginning of the (quick) end to that friendship…You can dish about the dysfunction in my family, but my humble beginnings (if you want to get petty) go back to Joan of Arc. Big deal. What matters is how far I have come from where I was emotionally/mentally, and where I am “now.” Do not criticize me based upon where I came from socio-economically. I don’t judge on where you came from, you can be purple from Mars… I judge on what your heart is, what you do.
            On the dating, in last week’s thread, there was a bit about dating for “finding someone” vs. making friends and becoming the person you want to be. (a mother looking to help her son a bit). It was helpful to me to be reminded that I’m interested in being a better, happier me, not in being someone’s partner. (You sometimes have to let go of the peer / family pressure…). Partnered is not as important as emotionally healthy, well-rounded, and happy. This sounds like you feel pressure from friends to “be” a certain way or “date” a certain group, but I don’t think you feel happier?

            On the flip side, if you are – every time – dating a certain type that is completely not compatible with you, you may need to look at your life patterns. I had to, I still am. I choose the wrong person consistently. It’s not about demographics, or finances. It’s about me picking bad partners (the way I clearly picked a bad friend, see above, who also was critical and mean-spirited beneath the charm).

            If what your friends are pointing out is a pattern of dating unavailable men, or that you are somehow driving them away with the (perhaps unfounded) fears, then it’s good to take a step back and look at the whole picture.

            Just saying my experience – I wasted a lot of time before I even started to get any insight. Sometimes there’s a grain of truth, sometimes not.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Nice catch here.
              It’s only been in more recent times that I learned it’s through our friendships that we learn what we want in a partner.
              Matcha, is it possible that your friends are giving you a jaded view of dating by telling you all these fake rules? How often do you look at your friends and find admirable qualities that you want to copy or your want to see more of in your life?

            2. matcha123*

              I have gone on a number of dates using online dating, but it is pretty hard to screen guys here. I’m in a place where scant profiles are the norm and detailed ones seem to be seen as oversharing.
              Definitely would like to be with someone who makes me want to be a better me and vice versa.

        3. Tea and Sympathy*

          I don’t think anyone in my adult life has ever asked me about my childhood family vacations. And I realize that I have no idea if my friends took family vacations or not, not even those I’ve known for decades. Is this really something people ask you about, or is it something you bring up because you’re focusing on it? Could you change the conversation to other, more current, topics? Also, I wonder if listing the things that you cannot do comes off as negative, as opposed to talking about things you like to do, and talking about positive things in your life. For me, family background and how much money a person has saved is not important, but similar values are. I would be fine with someone not having much money because they were taking care of their family, but not fine with someone being broke because they went out drinking every night. I agree with hazy days that it sounds like you have a lot to be proud of, and that maybe reframing it that way would help.

        4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Could you try to find something else to share about yourself when they ask about things like family vacations? That sounds like a “tell me about something interesting you’ve done with your family” opening if you interpret it broadly enough. So, you could say something like “my family didn’t really travel much, but I remember one summer my sister and I invented an elaborate code and spent most of the summer writing and hiding coded messages for each other all over the neighborhood” or whatever.

          Try to aim for sharing something equally personal (in the case of swapping vacation stories, keep it a “fun” story if possible so you’re not returning their story about how nice the beaches in Italy are with the time you had no power for a week or something) and in the same general genre of “family stuff” or “childhood stuff” rather than trying to exactly match what they were talking about. This gives them a chance to learn more about you, which is presumably the point.

          I’ve dated people with a lot more money than me and a lot less money than me, and for me, what I care about the very most in terms of a potential partner’s finances is that they have whatever their situation is under control. I don’t mind if they rarely go out and want to have a lot of “cook at someone’s house and watch a DVD from the library” dates, but I do mind if they’re constantly having to change previously-made plans at the last minute when they suddenly realize they can’t afford something (as opposed to suggest something within their means when we’re actually making plans, which is fine), or are on a pay-cycle boom-bust swing where they spend too much on optional things early in the month/fortnight/whatever and then have no money later on.

          I think the more you’re clearly living within your means and living a life where it doesn’t look like you’re always scrambling for more money, the less you’ll look like a gold digger. Obviously, it is harder to live within your means if you have less money, and it may not really be possible to do so in a low-stress and non-precarious way depending on how much money you have coming in and where you live, but I get the sense in your cases that you’re able to make your expenses work but just don’t have the Fun Stories About Times In The Past Where You Did Fancy-Money Things.

          However, if the actual problem is that the people you are meeting are in a different life stage where they want to do different things with their money than you want to do with yours (settle down versus travel, for example), then that’s a different problem. It can certainly be related to how much money you have or had, so you’re not wrong that it’s a related issue, but it’s not a problem that would be solved if you suddenly had a lot more money now either. It’s hard to be in a long term relationship with someone who wants to do different things next, so that’s something it’s normal to filter for before you get too attached. (I want to stay right here in the town I live in now, live in the house I’m gradually paying off the mortgage on, and keep working at my current job. If someone I’m on a first date with wants to sell their stuff, buy an RV, and travel across the country for the next few years, they are not potential serious relationship material for me, but they are welcome to send me postcards about their adventures if we click as friends. I also hate to fly and would probably suggest separate vacations to someone who wanted to take multiple trips a year to fly-in locations, although vacationing separately as part of a long-term relationship would actually not be a deal breaker for me if the other person also was in favor of it.)

    6. Asenath*

      It is true that people tend to pair off with those from similar backgrounds – but similar values are also important, and that’s far less dependent on background. By all means, offer to pay your own half initially, as a signal that you are financially responsible and independent (ie NOT a gold-digger, and who cares if someone thinks you are in spite of the evidence? Take it as a warning about the speaker, and put no importance on that person’s opinion in the future.) I wouldn’t worry if a man assumes once that your background is the same as his. Not everyone knows people from a wide range of backgrounds. Some do; I can’t say I know “upper-class” people, but in my life, it’s not unusual to know people ranging from social assistance recipients to professionals who earn far more than I do, and some of whom might have inherited money (I don’t ask). Sometimes, these people are members of the same family – not all families have all members neatly fitting in the same socioeconomic slot. I learned very early that you should be polite to everyone, whichever slot they are in – and if some man you meet can’t get over his initial surprise that you don’t fit his socioeconomic view of the world, it’s probably not worth your time to try to teach him. So, in short, it’s not that unusual to shift from one social setting to another, and really, having come from a somewhat different background than a potential partner isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker. Look at the similarities in your values and interests, and if that’s not there, move on.

    7. MatKnifeNinja*

      Your friends are gross.

      I dated a person who basically didn’t have to work the rest of their lives. Their family could by and sell me, my immediate family and my extended family an hundred times over.

      My partner and I had no issues about our backgrounds not being the same. The parents did. My dad ran a punch press in factory. My house growing up was as big as 1/3 of their garbage.

      The father made a snide comment about me “winning the lotto” once. In shot back, I didn’t win anything. That’s what prenups are for. He roared. We got along better after that.

      I broke up because my partner had a pretty severe coke habit, and refused getting help.

    8. gecko*

      I agree with the other folks here that if you’re going to online date, it makes sense to put some additional “looking for X” stuff on your profile to allow jerks to self-select out. And I disagree with your friends that no one will ever want to be with you because you don’t have a substantial 401k.

      But honestly dating doesn’t sound enjoyable to you right now, not the meeting people, not the going on dates, not the process of online dating. Can you change any parts of how you’re trying to meet people so you actually have an OK time? What dates would you actually find enjoyable–walks, free museum days, park afternoons with thermos & cookies, eventually movies or cooking at home? Can you meet people in a different way–ie through volunteering, meetups, mutual friends etc? Do you want to stop having to put effort into not looking like a golddigger and order average-priced stuff off the menu and not argue if a guy wants to pay?

      Basically, it sounds like you have a complicated mass of feelings about your background and how you currently live, and “just have fun!!” isn’t going to cut through that. But I think one of the keys of dating in general is to actually try to enjoy it and not just hope for the end product of a LTR that never ends. It has a few benefits: you can, well, have fun; it’s also a lot more fun to date someone who’s having fun than someone who’s experiencing a ton of anxiety about the date; and most importantly, it gives you some mental space to figure out how you want to handle the complicated stuff as it comes up.

      1. matcha123*

        This is true. I would really like to enjoy being with someone, rather than feeling rushed into something. A lot of people where I am pair up with old classmates or people they met in university. Sometimes at work. I don’t feel comfortable asking friends to send me any available men they know. Either way, like you said, it would be more enjoyable to be with someone who is having fun, rather than worried about every little thing!

    9. Parenthetically*

      “I find putting energy into showing that I’m not a gold-digger stressful”

      Stop doing things you find stressful. Paying your own way and suggesting reasonably-priced or free activities is plenty of evidence for any decent person.

      “men assume that I’m lying about my background…perhaps because they expect low-income people to be inherently trashy”

      Don’t date classist assholes or people who call you a liar.

      “of course a guy from a stable background wouldn’t be interested in someone like me, and I’m dumb for even asking”

      Someone like you? You mean someone who, despite a difficult upbringing, graduated from a good university, is intelligent, generous, stable, and hard-working, provides for their family, and is conscientious about their own finances? Any friend who says you’re stupid for considering dating WITHIN your own obvious peer group because you grew up in a different financial context than some of your dates is some kind of bigot.

    10. The Rat-Catcher*

      I’m from upper-middle, and my husband definitely came from poverty. He had a learning curve on things like kid’s birthday parties, organizational dinners, and other things he didn’t experience growing up. I respect the hell out of him for how hard we worked to get where he is. If you’re not getting the same treatment… I don’t want to say “you’re dating the wrong people” because I don’t know you, but I will say you could be dating people who don’t do that. It’s by no means a given.

      1. ket*

        I wish there was a place where I could read these rules, because I still make faux pas that I don’t even know to think about beforehand (didn’t know an event at this time of day in this place requires a floral dress! i look so out of place in my casual clothes….). Yeah, birthday parties etc — I have no idea what the ‘rules’ are in my current social class, so it’s hard to fit in, but I don’t know how to go back to what I grew up with either….

    11. xxx9*

      Stop trying to show you aren’t a gold-digger because you clearly are not. Constantly making money an issue – consciously or not – is a sure-fire way of making everyone focus on money as an issue. They clearly agreed to date you without asking your salary history. You’re overthinking this – allow yourself to have fun and if it’s not fun, then you need to back off from dating until you get this sorted because you won’t have the results you want until it is. If the men you date are discounting you because of your background, then you probably don’t want to date them anyways. Also be honest about where you came from – BE PROUD! A single parent with two college educated kids – the chips were stacked against your household, esp if you are in the US, and you are now in the same field and “social setting” as these people you find “upper crust.”

      Also: major point. Your “friends” are assholes – stop listening to them & phase these people out of your life. A big ole yikes to them and I can see why you are so fixated on this when you have friends who say asinine things like that.

    12. jDC*

      I for sure think you’re overthinking this. A man buying you dinner does not make you a gold digger and it’s kind of insulting to anyone who has ever had someone buy them dinner.

    13. Paris- Berlin -Seoul Express*

      I think that you need to address your attitudes about money being tied to the worth of a person in general and yourself specifically. Being poor is nothing to be ashamed of. Most people are poor due to circumstances beyond their control and people who have never been poor vastly underestimate the energy and wherewithal it takes to get yourself out of being poor. I know because I grew up in a working poor household, managed to graduate to non-working poor and after many years of some bad and some good choices, some hard work and a lot of luck managed to work myself into the top ten percent of earners. I’m still the same person.. I’ve dated across all social classes and found that most men don’t care about your background. When I dated men with more money they paid for my part when it came to the things they wanted to do. I paid for the things that I could afford. He could pay for dinner out, I made special dinners at home. I never discussed in detail my financial background and no one ever asked. When I met my husband he earned more than double what I made. Almost twenty years later I make way more than him.
      Bottom line is that money is not a bad thing and it doesn’t determine the value of a person to include yourself. You might also find better friends.

    14. Nita*

      I don’t know, I think I’d just get it out there on the first date so it’s not hanging over me how the man will respond when he finds out. Something like “just so you know, I’m from a poor family. I only mention this because it affects how I’m used to spending my time and money. I’m not a big spender, don’t do expensive hobbies, and won’t have much to say if you ask about my favorite vacation. Just wanted you to know that right off the bat.” It might at least save you the stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop. At least, that’s what I wish I had done. I come from a very pathetic background (not financially), and I wish I’d told my husband very early on. I thought I’d left my background behind, but found out with time that wasn’t quite the case… I’ll never be fully free of it. Thankfully he accepts me the way I am, but the difference in our upbringing does cause miscommunication and various problems. The worst bit is that to him, marriage means a merging of families. Since I didn’t tell him early on how uncomfortable I am around my family of origin, he’s gotten all buddy with them, and now I’ll always be seeing a lot more of them than I’d like.

    15. Anon Librarian*

      The, “Are you a good digger?” thing is basically a trust issue. In the absence of evidence, people who suspect you of being a good digger are irrationally not trusting you. Trust is essential to relationships. I suspect that a lot of these people have issues with trust and if it wasn’t, “Are you a gold digger?” it would be something else. Other trust issues would arise eventually. So don’t worry about these people – they aren’t ready to have a stable relationship.

      Dating is easy (in theory). You want someone who recognizes and appreciates the good in you, the things that you like about yourself. Finding those people can be hard. I’m still figuring it out myself. But I think it’s mostly a matter of being yourself and making it obvious that there’s stuff to like about you, and getting out and meeting people, and walking away from all the ones who, for whatever reason, aren’t quite right.

    16. Alexandra Lynch*

      I went through something like this recently. I was raised middle-class, but married a working class man and due to various life happenings and a recession in the middle of it (A baby or a major surgery for one of us or four months out of work every year for ten years straight) we were desperately poor. When I began dating (we were polyamorous) to find a secondary, I focused more on emotional and lifestyle compatibility, and less on financial issues, beyond wanting him to be gainfully employed. He and I became friends around our shared interests, and the money wasn’t a huge issue for us.

      So I would focus on finding someone who you like because you like the same sorts of things, and just make sure that he’s gainfully employed, and otherwise ignore his financials. There’s time enough for that as you get to know him.

  8. Paranoid in NYC*

    Hi everyone – hoping to ask everyone’s advice on a situation I’ve found myself in re: renting an apartment in NYC. Here’s the situation:

    I’m currently living alone on a lease that ends 10/31. I’m trying to move out with my partner — and for Reasons, we felt we needed to start the apartment search early — and accidentally started TOO early… and just got approved for an apartment with a mandatory lease start date of 8/9. The issue is — this new apartment is owned by the same management company as my current one. So in processing my application, they are now aware of course that I have another current lease with them ending 10/31. They also obviously have all me and my partner’s financial information, etc.

    Is it possible to negotiate with my management company to end my current lease early? Or something? Anything to just avoid paying 2 full rents for 3 months? For the 10 months I’ve been a tenant, I’ve been in good standing, always paid on time, never had any issues, and have very good credit. But I feel somehow like I have less negotiating power because they have all our information and know that we could technically afford to eat 2 months of dual leases.

    By the way — my current lease is rent-stabilized; the new lease is just market rate. I have no idea if that makes a difference or not (have been confused by what’s come up in Google).

    Thank you everyone in advance for any help!

    1. Agent J*

      I’m not shre about the rent-stabilized to market rate part, but I have heard of management companies being able to transfer leases between their own properties. Can you ask if that is an option?

      1. Paranoid in NYC*

        How does transferring leases work exactly? And how should I approach the conversation / what if they say no (do I have no other choice except to just eat the money or walk away)?

        Sorry — my current apartment was my first one, so I’m really new to all this and have always been bad at negotiating / knowing when it’s okay to ask for things.

        1. Apollo Warbucks*

          Wether or not you have to pay would depend I. Your contract and any state laws that apply.

          You can ask them and see what they say, they might be willing to do something to help you, like transfer your current lease or let you start the other lease later.

          One last thing good tenants are hard to find so they’re likely to work with you if they can.

    2. Sue*

      Can only speak to my state law (not NY) but here a landlord is required to mitigate the damages, that is, must attempt to relet the apartment and can only charge you the actual lost rent.
      If there is high demand for apartments, your loss could be far less than 2 months.
      Look up your landlord tenant laws (readily available) and be familiar with your rights so you negotiate with full information. Unfortunately, many landlords will take full advantage of the uninformed.

    3. Lcsa99*

      I think you should talk to them and I think you have a very very good chance of getting out of your old lease early. You’re a good tenant! They know this already so they don’t have to worry about getting money. If they deny you and get someone unknown in the new apartment that will be an unknown factor for them. And if you leave they can raise the rent on your old place. They have every incentive to play nice here so just talk to them!

    4. Caterpie*

      There’s no harm in asking! The earlier the better too, I think since there’s still time before the school/college year the management company might be willing to work with you if they’ll have an easier time of filling your old unit with people looking to settle before the school year.

    5. Overeducated*

      So I rent from a very letter of the law management company that tries to get every last dollar they are technically legally entitled to. If I asked to get out of a lease early, they’d point to my lease and say “sure, the early lease breaking fee is 2 months rent.” (They even tried to pull this when I asked to go from “month to month” back to a full year lease on the same apartment, saying that ending “month to month” with less than 60 days notice was the same as breaking a lease! There would have been NO gap in payment or vacancy, but I have to pay the higher rate for 2 extra months to give “notice.”)

      If yours is like that, a second strategy would be trying to get a subletter to finish out and perhaps take over your lease (may require management permission) to minimize time the unit sits empty, rather than hope for a lease transfer. Better luck to you!

      1. Paranoid in NYC*

        This is my worst fear! That my management company will turn out to be like this, in which case I’m honestly not sure if I still want to rent from them… which makes it more imperative that I have this conversation before signing the lease. But I’ve been getting pressure from the broker to sign quickly so I’m also worried about pissing them off on that front. :/

        Good luck with your management company! I’m sorry you have to deal with that.

    6. Jane*

      They’d probably be happy to have you leave for a more expensive apartment! If the apartment you’re living in now is low priced, they can probably get someone in there very easily. I’d definitely ask.

    7. gecko*

      I would say, look at your current lease and find the consequences it lists for breaking the lease early.

      Then call the person you usually talk with at your property management company, and lay out: “I see that normally the consequences for breaking a lease early are x, y, and z. I’ll be going from my rent-stabilized apartment to a place also rented from you guys. Considering that, could I get x, y, and z waived?”

      I think you have an OK chance but only a chance. It’s worth asking. Also if they say yes, it’s worth asking for a written waiver or an email repeating that they’re waiving x, y, and z.

    8. WellRed*

      They are not looking at your financials and saying “ah hah, Paranoid can afford two leases, let’s soak her for all she’s worth!” So put that fear out of your and see if they’ll transfer the lease. I imagine it’s easy to find new tenants in NYC.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      They don’t want an apartment standing vacant, even if it’s paid for. Vacant apartments carry risk of break-ins, damage from undetected leaks or other issues, raise insurance costs, and lower the property value.

      I assume the new apartment is more expensive than the old one, and once you’re out of the rent-stabilized place, they can hike the rent on the next tenant – either to the next tier of stabilization, or all the way up to market rate. That gives them an incentive to end your lease and get a new person in ASAP.

      Also, if they have already approved you, then re-starting that process is going to add to their administrative costs and waste time. They don’t want that. So they don’t really want you to walk away from the more expensive apartment deal. It’s easy money for them.

      Just call them up, explain the situation, and ask them the best way of handling it. They could
      A) Release you from the old lease immediately, or with a minimal penalty like partial security deposit.
      B) Allow you to sublet the old apartment (in fact, unless this is forbidden in your lease, you don’t even need permission).

      Having a good tenant lined up for a more expensive unit is a desirable situation for them, and worth more in the long-run than dickering over 2 month’s RS rent on a smaller stabilized unit. There’s a human being on the other end of the phone, not an ogre. Just approach it in a collaborative spirit and see what they can do.

    10. jDC*

      I know many management companies allow you to transfer so you aren’t breaking your lease but usually the new rent has to be higher. I’d just ask.

    11. Bye Academia*

      I also live in a rent stabilized apartment in NYC. Definitely ask if you can be let out of the lease early. Vacancy is one of the few ways they can hike the rent, and even that is going away soon with the new state law. They will probably be happy to end your stabilized lease early and turn the apartment over for higher rent.

    12. Anon Librarian*

      Hi! I’m apartment hunting in NYC right now. I’m available to sublet one of your apartments or take over the lease.

      Advice part: They don’t really know what you can afford because they don’t know your future expenses. Even if you gave them bank statements, they don’t know what you’ll have to spend money on during the upcoming months. So don’t worry about that too much. And expenses aside, everyone knows that people don’t want to spend money on things they don’t need, such as two apartments in the same city.

      You can get out of a lease early. One method is to find a replacement tenant. It needs to be someone with similar qualifications (income, etc). That’s a legal loophole that I got from a lawyer friend. It might vary by state, but it’s worth asking about.

      You could also sublet one of the apartments.

      I would call the company, tell them what happened, and ask which option they’d prefer. Maybe read up on how to get out of an NYC lease early, offer one of the legally non-negotiable options (ie replacing yourself) and then offer other options as alternatives. Be friendly yet firm and prepared with all the info you’ll need to negotiate.

      1. Paranoid in NYC*

        Hello! I would totally be open to that. Do you have an email address I could contact you at to tell you more about the apartment?

        1. Anon Librarian*

          Yes! I’ll try linking it through my signature. I just set up a temporary one for this so I can stay anon here. I’ll send you my info once we get in touch.

    13. Paranoid in NYC*

      Thank you everyone for the replies! Sorry I wasn’t able to check in more over the weekend. But this is really helpful – your responses have helped me a lot more to feel like what I’m asking for isn’t abnormal, and that they really do have incentives to negotiate with me like I thought. I’m just nervous because I’ve never negotiated before (I wish there was an AAM for apartment hunting!). But I’ve also done a ton of research and reading on my own – including on the new NY bill passed last month, which is super interesting – so feel way more prepared now. I guess we’ll see what happens!

      1. Paranoid in NYC*

        Update in case anyone is interested — I called the property manager this morning and she was pretty rude to me. She said that they don’t do early terminations for first term leases (which mine is). I then mentioned that I did in my current lease there’s an Early Termination clause that says I’m liable for the rest of the lease term, or until the apartment is rerented, whichever is sooner — and she cut me off and said “Well then we won’t rent the new apartment to you then.”

        That was pretty much it. She seemed pretty annoyed at talking to me, or at being up early in the morning. No actual conversation whatsoever. I’m pretty irked that I was cut off simply for referencing the terms of my lease and showing that I read it… I still have to think about what to do, but at this point I’m strongly considering walking away since we do have another option. Thanks everyone for all your help!

        1. Anon Librarian*

          Ugh. I’m sorry to hear that. Could you go up the chain and talk to whomever the property manager reports to? Anyway, sending good wishes for apartment hunting! I hope it all works out!

  9. Kate*

    We’re suit shopping tomorrow for the wedding tomorrow! Here’s a question: if we invest in a 3 piece suit (blue or gray) would it be cool to dress it down (nix the vest) and repurpose it for things like interviews? Or are wedding suits and business suits somehow different beasts entirely?
    To be clear it def won’t be a tux.
    (Hope that’s not too work adjacent).

    1. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Now from the UK point of view I am just trying to think what would the formality difference be… dinner suit with jetted pockets? Well, if it isn’t some pink zoot suit, you should be able to wear your ”Sunday best” to any occasion. Now the thing is, if its black those you wear only to weddings and funerals (your own) or if you are a MIB. So a navy blue or dark anthracite… pinstripes if you go for insurance or banking I suppose. Browns and greens are a bit of a hazard… I remember in the 90’s ”the color” was dark liver purple. And grey Eccos… Yerrgghh… Yeah, shoes, black derby/oxfords. Theres more than a few websites dedicated to this, but for a quickie look up ”gentleman’s gazette”, they explain suits and ties and levels of formality and have good short videos. The thing with a three-piece is that you can play around with the waistcoats. Have a colorful one for weddings and parties, use the original one when you go to the bank for a mortgage or court… not like that poor chav that went to court in a paisley tuxedo, you really don’t impress the jury in a lemonade suit. But also take in consideration the climate as you’re supposed to feel comfortable in a suit and not look miserable. I use the trousers and vest of a suit and then wear a tweed jacket in the winter, looks a tad more formal and I don’t shiver me timbers. Good luck, and buy 2 pairs of trousers.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My husband rarely needs one for work so has just the one suit. Previous one was black, this one is charcoal gray.
      You set the tone for your wedding, so you can make a work suit work for your wedding. Maybe splurge on a flashy tie, pocket handkerchief, or some other suit accessory to make it feel flashier ? Congratulations by the way!

      1. Emma*

        This. My husband wore a normal blue suit to our wedding. It’s definitely appropriate for other occassions (work – esp in the summer, but also other people’s weddings and other formal occasions). For our wedding, he had a pastel color bow tie and pocket hankerchief, which he honestly hasn’t reused since (that’s fine! They weren’t that expensive anyway). But paired with more conservative accessories his suit looks very normal.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          My husband also wore a “normal blue suit” (but no vest) for our wedding. He wore it for many occasions, including work events. The men’s store can advise you on current looks: cuffs or not, lapel width, current trends, etc.
          I’d avoid vests in a wedding if there’s any chance the guy(s) could overheat.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband just has the one suit (he’s a warehouse guy, so he doesn’t even wear it for interviews at this point), but there’s not really a difference between business and wedding suits, it’s all in how it’s accessorized. These days mostly he wears it when he gets tired of jeans and wants to go out to a nice dinner :)

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      Are you in the US? The men I worked with rarely wore a vest with their suit, if they did it seemed really overdone. Congrats and best wishes!

    5. BRR*

      There’s not really a difference between a wedding suit and a business suit. I’d probably only spend the extra money on the vest if there’s a chance he’ll wear it. To me it was an extra layer and I always run hot. But my husband wore a three piece suit for our wedding with a bow tie and it looked great.

    6. Parenthetically*

      (Bit of a suit nerd raised by a dad who wore a suit every day to work and had numerous gorgeous custom suits made over the years.)

      Absolutely, no question about it, and it’s something you should have a conversation about with the shop owner/tailor! Not every fabric/color will work well in both wedding and work contexts, and not every cut of suit, but you should be able to find/make something that will work as separate pieces or all together — and there are plenty of experts out there who would be able to guide you toward something that would be a flexible, life-long wear rather than a single-occasion outfit.

      1. TPS Cover Sheet*

        My dad was a garage manager in the 60’s… theres pictures of him in a boiler suit, but white collar and tie and a borsalino… Mad Men era all through and through.

    7. Aurora Leigh*

      Glad to see all the yeses here — we are thinking of doing something similiar for my fiance. Although we will probably just do nice navy suit pants and the vest. We’re getting married in warmer weather, and he’s not likely to have many occasions for the jacket.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Aurora, maybe consider going ahead and getting the jacket – hubby had the nice black suit with jacket and pants for 10 years, and that jacket came out once a year or so (even if carried over his arm or tossed over the back of the chair, it was there so he “had” a suit).

        I don’t think he’d have bought it if we hadn’t had the special occasion the first time, but I was very glad to have the suit (even if he wore the jacket with chinos) in the subsequent years, so we didn’t ever have to go back out shopping at the men’s store again (except for the random “buy a new tie and shirt” to go with the suit periodically).

        It served us well for all the church events (weddings, funerals) in all kinds of weather (the right wool gaberdine will do that in our area). That and comfy but very classic black shoes… were kind of like my little black dress. Keep it clean, keep it in the closet, and you never have to stress about what to wear for those unexpected special events.

        YMMV, but I think hubby never wore the vest again. The jacket – yes.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      My husband wore a charcoal gray suit for our wedding (no vest) and it is his interview/formal event/funeral/other people’s weddings suit.

      My dad bought a new suit for his second wedding, and wears it in regular rotation now.

      If it’s not some form of a tux, then a suit is a suit.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      To me a wedding suit is whatever you want.
      We did what you mention here, we got a suit for my husband that he could use for other events. I bought an after-wedding outfit that I could reuse also. This allowed me to get out of the gown quicker.

    10. ..Kat..*

      If you are in the USA, very few men need the vest – so this could save you money. If you are investing in one suit, navy blue or dark gray is the most versatile.
      Suits are perfectly fine for a groom.

      Congratulations.

    11. Bluesbog*

      I wanted to buy a suit that I could use for work, but my wife wanted me to look more ‘weddingy’.

      So I chose a suit with peak lapels, a cravats, a waistcoat and a pocket square. I also had unusual buttons, the kind of cloth covered ones that you see on more ‘ weddingy’ suits.

      Got the tailor to change the buttons for normal ones, swapped the cravat out for a tie and I use it for work. Peaked lapels make it an elegant suit, not for every day. But it’s perfect for events and conferences etc. I would have been happy with normal notched lapels though.

      But the buttons made the big difference, it looked like I was wearing a wedding suit without having one I could never use again. And getting the buttons changed after the wedding cost very little!

  10. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    So I am looking for someone, Internet hive mind. I mean, how do you go about looking for someone with very little information?

    When I was a kid (2005-2006 school year I think) there was an exchange student in my school from Kurdish Iraq. She would now be about 30- if-? I haven’t heard from her since 2007 and have not found any current information on her in my online travails. I have a first and maiden name but if she married that will make her hard to find now.

    She was my friend. I don’t want anything and I’m not creepy about her. She is (was?) just very pro-Kurdish independence, strong minded, smart, and brave. Just the type to fight back against ISIS etc., and I know there were/are female resistance fighters.

    I worry she did something dangerous or got on someone’s bad side, so I just want to figure out if she is alive and where she now lives. She doesn’t even need to talk to me.

    How would you all go about sleuthing down such a person? I have had zero luck so far via Google, and I can’t share the personal info I know of her so that others might help, because of anti doxxing rules.

    1. Quandong*

      I’m curious whether you’d try and track down another person you knew as a child, nearly 15 years ago, because you’re concerned for their welfare.

      Is there something else going on for you that you have this worry? Why would you want to know where your former friend lives? If she wanted to be in contact with you since 2007, would she have been able to readily find some way to get in touch?

      1. Jen RO*

        I think that’s a very weird question. Of course people want to know if their friends are ok! I regularly google childhood friends I’ve lost touch with, just to see if something comes up and I can see what they havd been up to.

        overcaiffeinated, I don’t have advice, but your question reminded me of a documentary I saw recently called Finding Fukue, about a Canadian woman who goes searching for her childhood Japanese friend. It’s a lovely story with a happy ending.

        1. valentine*

          I agree with Quandong. If you wanted to be friends again, that might be okay, but you’ve created a negative narrative for no good reason and just want to settle your thoughts, which you can do without investigating this person.

          And if she’s a resistance fighter, won’t you be exposing her?

        2. The Other Dawn*

          I agree with Jen RO. I don’t see anything weird about this. I think it’s natural to wonder about friends we’ve touch with throughout the years, even if we’re not looking to start up the friendship again.

      2. Parenthetically*

        “Why would you want to know where your former friend lives?”

        Um? Why… wouldn’t you? This seems like such an aggressive response to such an ordinary request. Overcaffeinated is saying, “I lost touch with someone (as happens sometimes without animosity on either side) and would love to know how to get in touch with her again for friendship reasons, plus she had some additional life circumstances that make me wonder if she’s been okay over the years, any advice on how to find folks you haven’t seen in a long time?” Absolutely nothing about that is weird AT ALL.

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      I don’t think youre being weird at all. If I iad a friend in that area I’d be worried about them too and want to know they’re OK.

      I don’t know if there’s anyway to find out though. The only think I can think of is to learn whatever language she speaks éigh family and friends and try Internet searching in that language.

    3. JediSquirrel*

      Not weird at all. Ignore the people who think it is.

      Have you tried contacting the United Nation refugee bureau? Or the Iraqi embassy in DC? Or possibly, there is an Kurdish attaché either at the UN or in DC? Just throwing out what came to my mind.

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        Those are definitely avenues I hadn’t considered, thanks! I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, what with all the people who have more serious reasons to contact those offices, but perhaps an attaché from her region might be able to point me to some resources.

        1. YetAnotherUsername*

          Not sure the iraqi embassy would help if she is a supporter of kurdish independence and you are right in your belief that she may be a fighter. But if she is not active in the kurdish independence movement then they would probably help. Just don’t mention to them that she is kurdish!

          1. Pippa*

            It will likely be obvious from her name and possibly hometown that she’s Kurdish. (She’s also likely to have the same family name as when you knew her, married or not, as women inthat society mostly don’t change their family names upon marriage, fwiw.). But I don’t think you should contact the embassy – either the US in Iraq or Iraqi in US – because this is fairly far outside their consular duties. If you were dealing with something like a death or marriage that made it necessary to locate someone for a legal matter, maybe, but government personnel really don’t have the scope to do this kind of thing, and they arguably shouldn’t (for all they know it could be stalking or some other kind of unwelcome contact – not accusing you of this, of course, but it’s a reason for them not to help locate people’s friends).
            But that said, I hope you’re able to find your friend, and perhaps an NGO or other resource might be able to advise you.

    4. Anono-me*

      Could you ask your high school alumni group, whatever organization sponsored her foreign exchange student program, or the host family to forward an open letter to your friend’s parents last known address?

      Yes I realize they may have moved, but maybe they haven’t.

      1. Roja*

        Even if they have moved, if their village is stable then someone there may know how to contact them.

    5. xxx9*

      I would contact the group that facilitated the exchange as a start – they might keep in contact with their alumni.

      Hopefully she is doing well – I can get why some think this is weird but I can understand why you want to know she is ok. It’s always jarring to think someone you met, who was kind & decent, might have ended up in a bad situation.

    6. ..Kat..*

      Do you think you could put her in danger (or maybe just make her life more difficult) by being a westerner (are you American – that is worse) trying to get in touch with her? I worked with an Iraqi woman a couple of years ago and she was given a hard time about working with me (I am an American woman). She kept getting admonished about how I was contaminating her and leading her astray. She returned to Iraq after a few months. I hope she is okay.

    7. Autumnheart*

      I have been in a marginally similar situation—college roommate from Cairo, Egypt, and I was thinking about her a lot during the Arab Spring and the uprisings. I actually found her on LinkedIn. If you think she might have gone on to college and a professional vocation, it couldn’t hurt to look there.

  11. Aphrodite*

    Chik-Fil-A.

    I think that’s how you spell it. I’ve never eaten there because I do not care for fast food. But a Friday post on the food ordered into an office prompted me to go online and look at their menu. Given how much people (who will eat there) like their food I was very surprised to see that it is basically nothing but a deep fried piece of chicken on a hamburger bun. In other words, nothing worth spending a meal on. I am now puzzled. What is it that makes it good?

    1. Agent J*

      Eh, maybe it’s the peanut oil? The breading is different from other fast food joints. Close second would be the waffle fries and customer service.

      Tbh, if you don’t like fast food, I’m not sure any given reason will satisfy your question.

    3. Homo neanderthalensis*

      They’re all terrible people at Chik-fil-a but the secret to their chicken is super easy to replicate at home. Pickle brine. That’s it! Pickle brine in the marinade and the dredge. And some good pickle chips on the sandwiches. That’s it! SO easy to make at home and you wont be supporting regressive politics!

      1. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

        Aaahhh that explains why I always hated Chik-Fil-A even when I picked the actual pickles off. Thanks for solving a mystery 10 years on!

      2. Homo neanderthalensis*

        Yup! A company that thinks I’m sub-human for being queer and wants to convert me because I’m not Christian is bad and it’s bad to work for them!

        1. W*

          No one at Chick Fil A or anywhere else thinks you’re sub-human for being homosexual. If anything, it’s because you’re the kind of intolerant bigot that would make the comment above.

      5. Alexandra Lynch*

        I vote with my pocketbook. I live in an area that is not exactly a good place to be different in, and so I don’t support businesses that would like to see me and my kind dead.

        Chick-Fil-A… eh. Ate there once before their management opened their mouth about their religious beliefs. I can get just as good a sandwich anywhere else, and do one better at home. The pickle juice explains why I thought it was sour. I am, however, a supertaster.

    4. Reliquary*

      They’re nothing special at all, and frankly, I am shocked that folks even consider spending money there, in light of the fact that their charitable donations (millions! of! dollars!) go to actively anti-LGBTQ organizations. For goodness’s sake, even airports are refusing to house Chik-fil-a stores.

      If folks love boring chicken sandwiches so much they can’t stand going without, they should make their own, using the pickle brine marinade as Homo neanderthalensis described.

      1. Overeducated*

        Eh, I’m not a Chik-fil-a fan myself (didn’t grow up with it, no nostalgia), but my general rule is that I’d rather buy anything deep fried than actually make it at home. Nobody does fries like a chain restaurant.

      2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        Airports shouldn’t allow Chik-fil-a restaurants a slot. They’re closed on Sundays, which are normally busy travel days, and that means the airport has one fewer restaurant on a day when it has a higher than normal occupancy? That’s stupid, especially considering you’re basically trapped in the airport.

      3. Dan*

        If I want chicken (especially fried chicken) I go to Chik-Fil-A. Very, very few fast food restaurants do it better.

        1. Book Lover*

          I like Raising Cane’s and I haven’t heard anything negative about their politics. I am not sure how many locations they have.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I think Popeye’s is also on the okay list politically, plus they have biscuits. Mmm.
            Now I want some.

        2. Le Sigh*

          Bojangles and Popeyes have actual fried chicken on the menu (bone-in, I mean), plus better chicken biscuits.

          I like CFA’s waffle fries and nuggets, but nothing there gets my goat enough to actually bother going. The sandwiches are usually soggy by the time I get them anyway.

      4. smoke tree*

        I don’t live in the US so I’ve never been to a Chik-Fil-A, but I do think it’s interesting that this one chain has attracted so much political ire. For what it’s worth, I’m part of the LGBT community and try not to patronize any businesses that I know are hateful, but there are so many organizations out there with awful policies of one kind or another and few of them receive as much attention as this one. I have to wonder what it is that sets it apart–maybe that it feels particularly frivolous? Maybe because it seems odd for a chicken sandwich place to have an ideological position?

        1. Le Sigh*

          the ceo is pretty public about the donations and the company’s anti-lgbtq views. they don’t just donate to awful groups, he came out publicly against same-sex marriage in 2012 and has been interviewed more than once defending the donations.

          so it’s the donations, but it’s also the public stance. not to say the other companies aren’t bad on this — but he does generates attention every time he says something about it.

    5. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      The waffle fries are different from other fast food places and are yummy. And although it’s an ordinary chicken sandwich, it’s at least a better quality one, IMO. But I haven’t had Chick-fil-A since I was a teenager, because as food as the food is, their politics gives me massive heartburn.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        As *good as the food is! Oy. That’s what I get for trying to write at 6:30 am.

    6. Christy*

      It’s really good compared to other fast food. The pickle brine makes the chicken really yummy. The pickles on the sandwich add a nice, subtle bite as you eat. The fries are (1) different from other fries and (2) pretty good. They have a lot of sauces, too, that really add to the taste. And their lemonade is solid. And they almost always have really good customer service.

      Oh, and as fast food goes, it’s not as bad for you as, say, a Whopper (it has 2/3 the calories and 1/2 the fat).

      I (a lesbian) gave up chick fil a for years because of their marriage stance. Now I’ve decided that, listen, allies can boycott but I have to deal with the challenges of being gay, let me at least have this chicken. So I eat it maybe 4 times a year and savor it.

      2. YetAnotherUsername*

        I’m not even American, never been to chick fil a. But I have seen it discussed on the Internet loads and you seem to be one of many lgbtqa+ people who have decided “I hate their politics but that chicken is so tasty I’m gonna keep buying it!”

        I kind of want to try it myself next time I’m in the states, but I actually hate pickles so it doesn’t seem like I’d like it.

        1. Roja*

          Try it! I too hate pickles, but I just ask for no pickles on the sandwich and it doesn’t taste pickle-y at all.

        2. KoiFeeder*

          You will not like it. To /me/ it just tastes like pickles with the texture of fried chicken, which is so very very bad.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve never eaten there so I can’t comment on the food. They opened one up the road from me earlier this year and it was amazing how long the lines were. They had cones set up outside, people directing the drive-thru lanes, taking orders outside and lines of cars snaking around the parking lot. I just don’t get it. I’ve been tempted to try it, but I’m very torn since I have two gay nieces and a gay acquaintance, plus I don’t support their anti-LGBTQ views at all. But at the same time I’m very curious about all the hype around a piece of chicken on a bun.

      1. Dan*

        Americans have this really weird (IMHO) attraction to crowds and new things. The last thing I want to do is wait in line at a fast food restaurant, it sort of defeats the purpose. I usually wait until the newness of a place wears off, and *then* I go patronize it.

        1. YetAnotherUsername*

          That’s not just an American thing. I think that’s just a human thing. Novelty and crowds are big attractions.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          It was absolutely crazy when it opened in March and it finally died down somewhere around the beginning of June.

          I ended up trying it today. I was torn about it, but I found out today that one of my nieces, who is gay, loves it and goes once in awhile so I gave myself permission to try it. (She said she hates giving them money since they’re anti-LGBTQ, but it’s the best chicken sandwich she’s found.) It’s across the street from the fitness store so I gave it a try. I have to say, it’s a really good chicken sandwich. The main selling point for me is that it’s real chicken and it’s a pretty thick piece, too. I wouldn’t go out to get this specific sandwich, but if I’m out and have the choice between other fast food chicken and Chik-Fil-A, I’d take Chik. And the waffles fries were delicious with their signature sauce.

        3. WS*

          Not just Americans! A Krispy Kreme store opened in my country and they had 2000 people lined up on opening day! Two THOUSAND people!

          1. Bluesboy*

            Yes, I live in Italy, and the queues when we finally got KFC and Starbucks were ridiculous. It took a good 6 months before i felt it was worth going.

            (That said, the Starbucks near my office is absolutely beautiful in a historic building and is worth going in just to look. Plus the coffee is better than in any other Starbucks I’ve ever been in).

          2. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, when Krispy Kreme opened in my town in the US it was amazing how many people were there. There weren’t 2,000 (!!), but the line of cars was far down the street and it remained that way for months. I didn’t bother going there until maybe a year later since I’m not into doughnuts, but I found nothing special about them. And now a lot of their stores have closed in my state.

    8. PrettyMuchALurker*

      I have celiac, and this is the only fast food restaurant in the region where I can eat. (They have a dedicated fryer for fries and a gluten free bun for sandwiches plus their grilled chicken is gf along with some salads and etc). It makes travelling so much easier; I don’t have to pack my lunch and eat in the car while everyone else eats in a restaurant, and we don’t have to always stop at sit-down places. We can grab something quick and keep going. Experience may vary, but I’ve never been accidentally glutened there.

    9. MatKnifeNinja*

      Where I live…YMMV

      The place is CLEAN. Like I can’t believe this is a fast place clean.

      The manager immediately steps in if any shenanigans starts in the order line. Be it the customer or register worker. During lunch rush the line moves fast.

      The workers they hire are top tier. I don’t know what the starting pay is, or how they screen, but I never had a “I hate my fawking life, and I fawking working here.” worker attitude.

      The chicken is tasty. The place uses peanut oil and pickle brine for seasoning. The waffle fries are the best.

      Parents love it because it’s not McD, and if your kid is GF, you have a shot of finding something for your kid to eat. It’s a default if my non eating beef friends want fast food.

      I rarely eat there. It’s always, always packed. The company could probably open up two more stores and it would still be busy.

      The Chik-Fil-A is right in office tower central where I live. There are a zillion vegan/vegetarian/better food not outrageously priced options in that immediate area. The places do not have hellacious wait times. Chik-a-fil is always freaking packed with office workers.

      My niece and her friends want to eat there yesterday. Carry out is never an issue, but finding a place to sit is impossible during lunch rush. We ate at another place.

      Their politics are awful, but that doesn’t slow anyone down in my blue leaning area from eating their product.

    10. Stitch*

      So I hate their views, but the food is tasty (particularly the chicken biscuit breakfast) and they have expediting down to a start so even during lunch rush you get your food fast. I had friends who worked there in high school and they do treat their workers better than most fast food places.

      In 2012 I had to wait 4 hours to vote early in Maryland and hadn’t had breakfast, and the polling place was right next to a chikfila so I followed up my vote for gay marriage with a Chik fila run. I also had a friend from the south in college who was LGBT but also literally did a roadtrip to get chik fila.

      It’s a hard line. The food is good, they treat their employees well, but you have to reconcile it with their views. I don’t go there often, maybe a couple times a year.

    11. MissDisplaced*

      Eh! Politics aside, it’s just tasty.
      And compared to other types of fast food, their food quality is better.

      I don’t make a habit of eating there, but if I’ve little other choice on the road, I’d choose them over other places.

    12. Christmas*

      This!! Thank you, Aphrodite!! I’m in my mid-thirties and have eaten at Chik-fil-A (sp) exactly once. I remember thinking, “This is a very basic chicken sandwich that I could easily make at home.” Nothing I ate there was so delicious that I would drive out of my way and pay somebody to serve it to me. It wasn’t bad, just not great either.
      (My apologies, lovers of Chik-fil-A!)

      1. Lora*

        Word. I don’t understand the attraction at all. It’s just okay food, in fact the Wendy’s across the street does better fries (IMO fry quality is more about the temperature the fryer is set to, how well the fryer thermostat controls). There’s no good fried chicken in my entire region, sadly, and if I’m in the South I get diner fried chicken which is done properly with mashed potatoes and gravy. But at home I can do a passable oven fried chicken that’s much better than Chick-fil-A. Plus their politics are a hard No.

    13. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

      Most fast food chicken is frozen and pre-breaded. Chick-fil-a chicken is fresh and breaded in house before it’s cooked. It really does taste much better than any other chicken you can get from a fast food or chain restaurant.

    14. WellRed*

      Ha! I have no idea why people love Popeyes or Five Guys ( soggy fries!). Never tried Chik Fil A. Probably because I irrationally hate the spelling.

      1. Persephone Mulberry*

        The spelling bothered me long before I knew about their anti-LGBT stance. Add in those super obnoxious cow billboards and I’ve got three good reasons to never eat there.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        The fries at my Five Guys aren’t soggy. I like that they put a ton of salt on them. If I’m going to eat crap, I want it to be the crappiest crap I can get, LOL. The burgers are pretty tasty.

        Plus, they will grill a hot dog and put grilled onions on it, which is the next best thing to charring it over a campfire. *drooooooool* I know hot dogs are horrible for you and I try to eat them very infrequently, but damn I love them.

    15. OhBehave*

      We love it and support them. The grilled chicken is tasty as well as the salads. A fried chicken sandwich once in awhile is fine you know! Waffle fries are yummy too. They do tons for our community too.

        1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

          *for the straight people who hate the LGBTQ community and like actively hurting them*

          Also all fast food and soda companies bring jobs, money and sponsorships to the community.

    16. Lilysparrow*

      They have a lot of grilled options (including grilled kids’ nuggets) and salads, including things like kale salad, and whole-grain buns as an option. The pickle marinade does make it tasty.

      And, as others pointed out, the customer service is great, especially for families with young kids or people with mobility issues. As is the design/planning:
      Most freestanding locations have a kids’s climbing/soft playplace, with hand sanitizer and cubbies for their shoes.
      They provide sanitizing wipes and plastic placemats that you can stick to the table to make eating with anyone who drops food easier and more sanitary.
      The counter person will carry your tray(s) to your table and offer to get you drink refills if you have little kids or mobility issues.
      The bathroom door opens OUT, so you don’t have to touch the handle after you wash your hands. I don’t see that a lot.
      If the drive-thru is backed up at lunch or dinner rush, they send workers out to walk down the line and take your order on handheld units. You can even pay in line. They can expedite a line like nobody I’ve ever seen before.

      Politics is one thing. But they keep their customers by doing a really good job at what they do.

    17. Courageous cat*

      It is just… not like any other chicken. You’d have to taste it. It’s not the world’s best chicken, but it’s unusually good for fast food imo.

      Politically: I’m queer and still sometimes eat there, and also know plenty of queer people who eat there. It’s fine to boycott whoever you want and I don’t blame anyone for it, but I can guarantee you there are way more problematic organizations than just CFA that the same people almost undoubtedly support. I fully back “doing what you can”, I just hate when people get Really Self-Righteous about anyone eating at CFA (esp given it’s one of the only comparatively healthy fast food chains) but then go on to buy shirts from Urban Outfitters or Target etc etc. There are more places that fight against LGBT rights and fund conservative politicians than just CFA.

      1. Le Sigh*

        Oh you are 100% correct re: boycott CFA on your way to Target (which has been known to union bust!).

        CFA’s food has never really sent me over the moon and I have other good sources of fried chicken and sandwiches (see: Bojangles). So it was pretty easy for me to just drop them when I found out how truly awful they are. But I won’t pretend for a minute that I deserve an award for that. I’d just prefer not to go.

    18. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Rolling my eyes so hard over the love this place gets. Yeah there are self hating queers who still go there. Lots of people choose “tasty” food or “fun” products or whatever over values, even when it’s detrimental to their own, it’s true.

      It’s just fast food. Everyone has preferences and that’s always the key. My mom taught me to fry chicken, I’ll take prebreaded all day long with jaded workers over deep fried bigotry.

      1. whoa*

        “there are self hating queers who still go there,” can we just… not? i’m (unavoidably, visibly) queer, most definitely not self-loathing, and i occasionally eat there. don’t ascribe that shit to me.

    19. Elizabeth West*

      I won’t eat there because of their CEO’s donations to anti-LGBTQ organizations. But really, politics aside, it’s nothing special — just another greasy fast food chicken patty. You are not missing anything. A rotisserie chicken you get at the grocery store is tastier.

    21. noahwynn*

      Like others, I’m bi and hate them politically but their chicken is delicious so I eat there. Their food is super fresh for fast food and they treat customers well. I’m not a “self hating queer,” I just realize boycotting things I enjoy doesn’t make my life better.

    22. What the What*

      I love their food. I like that I can get a good quality side salad instead of fries and their dressings are good. Their spicy chicken sandwich is the bomb. We have very limited fast food choices where I live and because it’s a small town, our fast food places have a hard time finding quality staff. ChickFilA tends to have very polite staff and great customer service. I generally don’t boycott or purposefully shop based on a company’s politics/social causes (random examples: Starbucks, ChickFilA, P&G, Chipotle, etc.) If a company delivers a quality product and treats their customers right then that means a lot in my book. ChickFilA is a privately held company (I think) and the owners have the right to have their own beliefs and express their beliefs even if it conflicts with the beliefs/worldview of it others. Just as, say Starbucks (public company) via its leadership has a right to champion their causes. I think if we strive to perhaps be more emotionally resilient and had more compassion for people we disagree with, them maybe we’d all get along better and not see every situation through the lens of politics and Us vs Them. My opinion.

  12. CatCat*

    I welcome any Disneyland advice! I’m going this week and I haven’t been there since the mid 90s.

    1. greenthumb*

      Fast passes! And download the app. Also, insulated water bottles, and if it’s hot, get to the park at opening, take a break for a late lunch to recharge, and go back in the afternoon and stay late when the crowds thin. Despite rising ticket prices, attendance seems to keep climbing, so it may feel more crowded than you expect.

      Some rides are more interesting at night, and not nearly as crowded, so you can do them multiple times if you have a fave (Haunted Mansion, jungle cruise etc lend themselves to this).

      Collapsible backpack. There are bag checks at entry now, but you can bring snacks and such.

      Oh. Hidden Mickeys. You should be able to find some pretty readily and there are lists if you want some help.

      Depending on your budget, the meal options have gotten nice. You said Disneyland so I take it you will be in California? I’m more familiar with D World — Epcot and resort restaurants— but I think the newer park-adjacent hotel has good F&B unless I’m mixing up my parks again. Also the park’s own hotels and friendly neighbors offer some good perks that are worth looking into prior to arrival. Parking is pricey too, so depending on how many days you want to be at the park, whether you plan to eat onsite, and whether you want to shop, it might make sense for at least one person in your party to buy an annual pass.

      We did the math after our last visit and we would have saved a fair amount on parking, shopping, and a couple nice dinners if one of us had gotten the pass. (We don’t stay onsite or at friendly neighbors so your math may vary.)

      1. CatCat*

        I downloaded the app. Not really sure how it works, but hopefully I’ll figure it out!

        Love the idea of checking out some rides at night! It did not occur to me how the experience would be different.

        Thanks for backpack tip! Didn’t know about bag searches. Hidden Mickeys sounds like a lot of fun to me and my group could make a game of it.

        We are going to California Disneyland. We want to see the Star Wars stuff! We’re also hitting California Adventure, which none of us have ever been to.

        Thanks for all the great tips!

        1. Librarian of SHIELD*

          It’s worth paying the extra fee to get fast passes added to the app. Usually, to get a fast pass, you have to walk to the ride you want and scan your ticket. But last time my family went, we entered the park and started walking toward the first ride we wanted while I opened the app and got the entire family a fast pass for the next ride on our list. It’s a massive time saver and we felt that it was worth the extra cost (about $10 per person if I’m remembering correctly).

    2. Daisy*

      Pay the 15$ for the fancy fast pass if you can swing it – it made my trip so much nicer since I could plan my next ride while in line for a current one.
      Downtown Disney is within the area of the bag search so it’s much easier to pop out of the park for food there. It’s marginally less expensive but much less crowded!

      Have fun!

    3. Nicki Name*

      Fastpass, Fastpass, Fastpass.

      Make sure you leave your Swiss Army knives and anything else remotely metallic and pointy in your car or room, because yeah, the bag checks.

      Arrive 9am or earlier– you can ride way more rides in the first couple hours the parks are open than any other time. Then plan to leave for a while and rest in the early or mid-afternoon. You’ll miss the worst weather and lines and be able to come back refreshed in the evening.

      Do some pre-planning. Figure out in advance what you absolutely have to see/ride, what’s interesting but not essential, and what you don’t care about. If that list is significantly different for members of your party, can you split up to accomodate everyone better?

      Most of all, be prepared to know when you’ve hit your limit. Regardless of what your schedule says, regardless of what you think your “money’s worth” is, regardless of your checklist for the Ideal Disney Vacation… if you’re getting tired and stressed and overheated, TAKE A BREAK.

    4. ArtK*

      I agree with others. As soon as you’re in the park, use the app to purchase the MaxPass. You can get FastPasses online easily that way.
      It’s going to be very different than you remember. Be prepared to be a little sad for the things that are gone. But then be very happy for all the new stuff.
      If you want to eat at any of the sit-down restaurants (Carnation Plaza, Plaza Inn, Blue Bayou, Cafe Orleans) in the park, make reservations through the web site now. It may even be too late to get reservations at some places. If you’re also going to be in DCA, the same applies to Carthay Circle, Lamplight Lounge and the Wine Country Trattoria. You can get walk-ins, sometimes, but reservations are a better idea.

      Some questions so that I can give better advice: How long will you have? Solo, with a group of adults or with kids as well?

      My wife and I are annual passholders and go at least once per month.

    5. Pam*

      I always like to do one planned sit down meal with reservations. Currently, the French Market is my favorite.

    6. KR*

      Do the boat jungle ride thing! The jokes are hilarious. Also the Lincoln presentation. There is one of the little main Street shops with all of these old Disney cartoons and that’s great too.

    7. ..Kat..*

      You will use your phone a lot, especially if you get the recommended app. I recommend a portable charger.

  13. Emmie*

    How did you meet your significant other? Your best friends? I’m looking to grow my life in those ways, and I’d love to hear your stories / tips.

    1. Marion Ravenwood*

      I met my best friends via a Meetup group – we were involved with it for about six months, then the original organiser left and a bunch of us formed a breakaway group. There’s now about 10 of us that regularly get together (in various groupings) to hang out, go for drinks, watch movies etc. It did take me a few goes until I found one that stuck, but I’m really glad because they’re an absolutely brilliant bunch of people.

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        I met my husband at the kissing booth at the Original Renaissance Faire in Agoura, Ca.

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      I met my husband in a pub on St Patricks day. I met my best friend through a volunteer organisation.

      A lot of people meet onlibe now.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        “A lot of people meet online now”

        Spouse and I met online (ish – mutuals introduced us through a shared-hobby web forum) in 2002. This is very much not a new phenomenon. I would recommend the shared hobby forum version as you will keep that shared interest and mutual friends. Indeed Emmie might find that kind of forum useful to make platonic friends as well.

        Do you follow a sport, or a fiction fandom, or a musician, etc etc? Communities build up around that kind of enthusiasm, and they meet up in person sometimes.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          VERY much not a new phenomenon…I met my partner on Bitnet back in 1989! (Although we were on the same campus, so we probably would have met within a few days anyway.)

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        We also met on a music forum specific to one band. Fifteen years ago. The band is still around and making new music, by the way.

      3. The Grammarian*

        I met my husband online through a dating/friendship site. We’ve been married for a few years now!

    3. Agnodike*

      I met my spouse at a house party when we were 19. My closest friends I’ve just sort of accumulated as I’ve rolled around like a growing snowball – at school, at work, at kid playgroups, through other friends, through volunteer work, around the neighbourhood.

    4. Emma*

      I met my husband through mutual friends – a friend of mine was dating his best friend and I was invited to a party he also attended. I met my best friend in nursery school, but recently made two really close friends through work, which I previously didn’t think was possible.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Husband: in 2003, I started dating a dude who was a friend of a friend. Dude invited me to join him at a convention across the country. I went, met a bunch of people, including W. In 2006, dude (who I was still dating) attended W’s wedding while we were at the convention (which we attended yearly) and in 2007 got married ourselves. In 2010 dude and I divorced and W’s wife moved overseas to work and decided she never wanted to live in the US again, because it’s terrible*. In 2012 I moved to where the large group of friends was and adopted W’s dog because he was going to try joining his wife overseas. That did not work, he returned (and they had decided to divorce), and I told him he couldn’t have my dog back. We started dating officially after his divorce was final and got married in 2017. The dog is now 11.

      *(her residences since then have been in Saudi Arabia and China. I’m not sure what drives her definition of terrible.)

      Best friend: one of them I met at a Fourth of July party thrown by mutual friends eighteen years ago. The other is part of the group of friends I met the same time/convention as my husband.

      2. ElephantJuice*

        Met my best friend when she was my room mate at college during my year abroad over 10 years ago – we live half a world apart but still talk every day.

        Waiting on a significant other.

    6. The curator*

      Oh this is my favorite story ever. I was working in a bookstore. I was at the front register. A man walked in and said. I am the Viking Penguin rep. And I said wow, just last night I read a Puffin book about the Cattle Raid of Cooley, that was so amazing (because I thought the Penguin rep read all the Penguin books) I babbled a bit.

      He looked at his watch and said he had a 1:00 appointment with the buyer. I said do you know the way? He said yes and started up a short fight of stairs to the next level of the store.
      Here is the weird part. As I looked up at his back, I thought, I’m never going to see him again, and felt sad.

      I picked up the store phone and called the buyer (who was a good friend) and said the Penguin rep is here and going up to the office. She said something nice about him. I said tell everyone that we are hanging at my apt. tonight and invite the Penguin rep. About 4 people.

      By 7, everyone had cancelled , this one had a migraine , that one’s boyfriend came in from out of town. I called the Penguin rep at his Holiday Inn and said he couldn’t come over because I didn’t know him well enough. Him “ have you had dinner yet?” I said no. Him “ Do you want to?” I said yes. That was our first date.

      He woo’d me with free- and-review copies and galleys.

      I found out on our wedding day two years later that he expensed our first date.

      Have been married 32 years. He still makes me laugh.

      Hmm tips. I was extremely shy 25 year old who could count the number of guys that I had dated on one hand. This was extremely out- of-character for me. We didn’t have a lot in common except loving books and book people . He’s adventurous, I’m not. He likes to see where the road goes, I want to have a plan. He likes surprises, I dread them. He wants an anything- can -happen day, I want to stay home and read. I love speculative fiction, children’s books, young adult books, and the occasional Michael Connelly and he reads poets and independent presses. I watch Freeform, if he had his way the tv would be on all the time on MSNBC.
      We make each other laugh.

        1. The Curator*

          Thanks, I always want to send it to the N.Y. times for their Modern love column.

            1. The Curator*

              I’m on a few deadlines for work now. August 15 is the magic number. Maybe I will try to write something and check in on the Sat. writing thread to keep it in my sights.

    7. HannahS*

      Good friends: High school, mostly, which is not very helpful to you. But I’ve recently made some good friends through “Jewish young adult” activities in my new-to-me city, which is awesome. Many of my newer friends, I’ve actually met through other people–I’ve become good friends with some people in my sibling’s social group, which is really nice.

    8. Parenthetically*

      Met my husband at a bar with a group of mutual friends. Unbeknownst to me it was a setup!

      Met one dear friend at a grad school orientation — she was a student ambassador and I was desperate for a Target to find some dressy clothes because I had failed to notice that in our schedule of activities was a fancy dinner and I’d only brought jeans. Most of my other dear friends I’ve met through church.

    9. Aurora Leigh*

      I met my fiance on Match. :)

      My best friends actually have all come from my 1st job, where a hellish boss caused us to bond in the way people do when they go through intense difficulties together.

      Other than pets — the dog we found on petfinder and the cats just showed up lol.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Met my husband on Match! He was the last first date I went on before I was going to put my account on hiatus for a while. He was also not matched with me at all, my friend found him through her account and sent his profile to me.

    10. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Met my boyfriend through an Internet-based general knowledge game.
      The first time we met in real life, among a group of other players, he insisted I eat my share of this pizza with goat cheese, and I was too shy to decline. The thing is, I really, really despise goat cheese. One bite can make me sick.
      I only confessed when we got together the next year. A decade later he still talks about it.

    11. AnotherPersonHere*

      I met my bestie in preschool, so that’s super unhelpful.
      But! I met my spouse (married for 8 years) on Plenty of Fish, the dating website my bestie calls “bottom of the barrel”. I wasn’t looking for a partner. I’d just gotten divorced and had a half-baked idea about writing a book about online dating. (The book was going to be called 80 Dates; I went on 80 dates in one summer.) The book never got written but we hit it off and have been together since.

    12. Glomarization, Esq.*

      My core group of closest friends is a dozen or so people who drifted together in some overlapping circles of friends and classmates at university. This group is also where I met my first spouse. My BFF pre-dates them, though; we met on the schoolbus when I was 10.

      Meeting new friends is challenging now that I’m pushing 50 (and, dare I say, a little less necessary since we can keep up with our old friends so easily over the internet even though they’re thousands of miles away). Getting involved in hobby groups, attending meetups, volunteering at arts events, becoming a regular at a local bar or coffeeshop, these are the kinds of things that have worked for me.

      My current spouse and I were introduced by a mutual friend. Mr. Glomarization had dated her briefly, and she wanted to do him a favor after having to “it’s not you, it’s me” with him some months before.

    13. OyHiOh*

      I met my husband on line through a niche dating website. I was hurting (trying to figure out how to end an abusive relationship), put up a very stupid ad, and he was a good enough LEO to realize something was pretty seriously wrong. Initially, his efforts were directed towards helping me get out and safe.

      My closest friends right now. One comes from the community theater I’m involved with. Another from serving on the board of a local non profit. A third from a coffee shop/community space I work part time at. My approach is generally to start doing something that is important to me, and once there, find people I want to get to know better. The non profit best friend was one of those people where you walk into a room and you know this is someone you have to know better. It took us more than a year to get from serious board business colleagues to meet for coffee friends but once over that hurdle we’ve become very close.

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        Oh what a lovely story about your husband. I’m crying now. I’m glad he was a decent guy and so very sorry for your loss (again) (under a different username)

    14. Not Me*

      I met my boyfriend on Yelp. I’ve actually made some really good friends on yelp, at official events and unofficial events. Depending on the city you live in there are tons of events and ways to meet people.

      I met my best friend in high school.

    15. ArtK*

      My ex and I met while riding horses. I was a student assistant at the stable where she took lessons.

      My wife and I met singing in a Welsh choir — although neither of us is Welsh.

      My friends are a mixed bag. Some I met through a love of trains and Disney, while others I know from music. Some of those connections go back 50 years!

      1. ArtK*

        A follow-up with a tip: Note that all of the significant people in my life were met through shared activities. I didn’t enter any of them looking to make friends or find an SO, but the interactions and shared interests led to friendships and more.

    16. ThatGirl*

      My husband and I met first in Quiz Bowl in college. He was 2 years behind me and briefly dated one of my best friends, but they broke up and i consoled him. We didn’t start dating till after I’d graduated and I had to reassure him it didn’t mean we were gonna get married (hahahaha).

      One of my bffs, it was the first night of freshman year, I was at this comedian performance for first years, arguing with a guy in my first year seminar I’d just met. She was in the row behind us listening and then broke in with “she’s right, you know!” I turned and said “I like you” and we’ve been friends ever since.

    17. Felicia*

      A lot of my best friends I met through a book club but we were just aquaintances for a solid year before we became friends. I’m visiting a close friend later this afternoon who I met in line to get a picture with Hailey Atwell at a comic convention five years ago. Surprising how much one can bond over an hour in line.

    18. NoLongerYoung*

      Two BFFs. One I met indirectly, through a shared therapy group – one of the women in the therapy group, became a good friend and roommate, and this was HER friend. We hit it off more.

      The other, through a book study group at my church. It’s taken several years to get to the BFF stage. But all of us through that group are close – outside of the group I socialize about once a week (walk with/ exercise with) two of them.

      Significant other I’d met through work, didn’t start dating until I left that job.

    19. Lucette Kensack*

      I met my husband through family. My sister worked with his mother. His mom wanted to set him up with my sister, but she had just started dating someone when they first connected. His mother, who had never met me, figured I was a decent enough second choice. She invited herself to a concert of mine that my sister was attending, and brought my husband along for a secret set-up. We thought it was all a coincidence until she ‘fessed up a few years into our marriage.

      I’ve met most of my friends in two ways: work and book clubs.

    20. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I met my partner on a dating app.

      I met my best friends in high school. My other close friends I met on online groups (message boards, livejournal and twitter tbh.) We found each other through various fandoms.

    21. quirkypants*

      I started playing sports as an adult and have met most of close friends and my partner through a queer sports league.

      I’m out of sports for a while though and am wondering the same thing… Looking to meet new pals.

    22. Super (Awkward) Kitten*

      I tend to pick up one friend in every place/school/office. So: friend from high school, friend from college, friend from my first really proper job, and so on. My last office was a goldmine – I got 4 friends out of that one. I made a friend from one of the Meet-up groups too when I moved to a new city.

      I’ve had three memorable relationships: one I met through an acquaintance throwing a house party, another through a college social club, and finally I met my wife on OK Cupid. We bonded over languages (I speak only one but I’ve tried to learn about eight!). On our first date, from sheer nerves, I introduced myself to the first woman I saw at the bar; she looked NOTHING like my wife’s profile pic but weirdly enough had the same name. Awkward.

    23. Acornia*

      Depends on which of us you ask. The time HE remembers is a few months and several meetings before the one I remember. Sadly, I do remember some of the parties and get togethers during that time, but I don’t remember HIM, even though he remembers talking to me and trying in vain to get the nerve to ask me out.
      I feel a wee bit guilty that he was trying to strike up conversations and get to know me and he made no impression, but eventually I did notice him and it all worked out nicely in the end.

    24. Jemima Bond*

      Internet dating. He was (in that iteration of internet dating) the seventeenth person I met irl. OkCupid.

    25. Elephant in the room*

      I met my husband at an annual costume party, I thought he was kinda creepy and declined to hang out with him (he was in character). A year later he was at the annual party (even more creepy costume) and again intent on getting to know me. Mutual friends assured me he was a stand up guy, and I found out he was also smart, funny, kind, and handsome without the costume hiding his face. 2 years later we were married!

    26. Arya Parya*

      I met a bunch of my friends in a scifi themed chat room. This is way back in the day, like 1999. I was young, shy, didn’t really know how to connect to people. Online that was easier.

      My SO and soms more recent friends I met through my volunteer work at a local arthouse theatre. I had just moved to a new town and hadn’t really met anyone here. Since I love movies, I figured a small film theatre would be a good place to meet people. And also free movies. I quickly met some nice people there and even when I go to see a movie alone, there’s always people I know there.

      My SO and I had met a few times already, and I likes him but we bever really hung out. That changed on the annual volunteer outing. We got talking and it turned out we had a lot in common. Then we had a boat tour through the city. It rained and we shared an umbrella. Later that night we found out neither of us danced and we both happily stood next to the dance floor with a drink.

      We’ve been together ever since. Have a house, a kid and a couple of cats now

    27. Cedrus Libani*

      I met my fiance through a gaming-related meetup. We’re both quiet, awkward nerds; we both fancied one another, but we’d both convinced ourselves that the other wasn’t interested. The rest of the group was about to stage an intervention. We did figure it out, eventually, and we’ve been together since.

      I’ve had good luck meeting people through activities. It’s a chance to get to know people in a low-pressure setting. You see these people regularly, you have a built-in common interest, and you have reasons to talk to each other. It’s an ideal setup for making friends. Even if you don’t make friends, you’re still getting out of the house and spending time doing something you enjoy, so it’s not a waste.

    28. Batgirl*

      I met my fiance online, which is when I abandoned my dating plan. I was nervous about dating for the first time in over a decade; so I decided I would try to date one guy a week and I would turn the experiences (which I expected to be mostly disastrous) into an amusing blog. On my first date, a coffee date I met on Plenty of Fish, I mentally cursed when I laid eyes on him; far too cute for a funny anecdote! Hot enough to cause nerves. So our hands are shaking as we drink coffee. I discover he’s intelligent, kind and funny. When coffee turns into drinks I discover he also hates football (we live in a football obsessed city) and his stock goes up. By the second date he asks me to be his girlfriend and I say that I really want to write this blog. It could become a book! He asks if I see us more as friends and I look wistfully at all the hotness. Can you be friends with a truly hot guy? By the end of the third date, an activity we simultaneously suggested to each other, we were exclusive. That was seven years ago and we are currently musing over eloping or the town hall for the ceremony. It almost never began. He hated the dating website experience – he said all the dates he’d went on and all the messages he’d received had been so creepy and weird that he’d been two weeks away from deleting his profile. We lived ten minutes from each other and would go to all the same places but probably would never have met without the internet.

    29. jDC*

      He was my neighbor. I actually met his then wife and son first as he was still deployed, well, in Texas, she just decided she was done and moved. I met him the day that he moved there. I gave him a ride to the truck rental place to pick up his car. I remember thinking “omg why did i just offer a stranger this ride, he could kill me”.

      Their marriage ended up falling apart (uh she left him because she just didn’t feel like living there anymore so it stands to reason) and over time we got together. Of course now she tells people that her best friend stole her husband. How my neighbor I randomly chatted with was my best friend I don’t know nor agree with and they didn’t even live in the same state by the time we started even talking in a slightly flirty way. Makes her feel better to blame someone I guess.

    31. Jaid*

      I met my best friend at work. She was my instructor when I on-boarded. We became friends when we met outside of work at a supermarket parking lot, she gave me a lift home and we just started hanging out and talking from then on.

    32. Clever Name*

      I met my best friends through my son’s school. Meaning our kids all went to the same elementary school. I met my SO online. Bumble, to be specific.

    34. Alexandra Lynch*

      I met my boyfriend and girlfriend both through a terrible website that is now defunct that catered to kinky people who want to meet each other. In both cases the line from my bio that got them to write to me was when I said that I am learning Spanish just because I want to.

      It’s not been an entirely smooth ride for all of us; I had a 24 year marriage end this year (he was a hoarder, and finally there was no room for me) and my boyfriend has dealt with a lot of mental health issues, and Girlfriend is finally getting some important transitioning stuff worked out. But the three of us help support each other, which is the important thing.

  14. Phoenix from the ashes*

    Book recommendations! I normally read sff, but I’ve just finished Barbara Hambly’s Homeland: A Novel, the fictional correspondence between 2 women on opposite sides during the US Civil War, and it’s incredible! Has anyone else here read it? What are you reading now?

    1. Jen RO*

      The best SFF I’ve read in the past years has been NK Jemisin’s Broken Earth series. The problem is that, since I finished it a few months ago, nothing else has lived up to it… So, if I may hijack your thread: does anyone has SFF recs? I am not a fan of space opera and hard SF, but I’m open to pretty much anything.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My car audiobook right now is ‘Ready Player One’. Much better book than movie, and Wil Wheaton must have had fun with the Star Trek references.
        My insomnia has me thinking about digging up the original “Beggars in Spain” by Nancy Kress. (I didn’t like the expanded novel she made of it after the initial success.)
        I was just telling someone about David Brin”s “The Postman” which was a good book but had a terrible movie made from it.

        1. Jen RO*

          I didn’t like Ready Player One in neither incarnation, even though I was definitely its target group. I felt like the author tried to cram the book with 80s references and forgot the plot.

          I read Beggars in Spain many many years ago, in one of the few sci-fi magazines that existed in Romania in the 90s – I don’t remember much, but I do remember it made an impact!

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I just finished, and loved, N.K. Jemisin’s How Long Until Black Future Month? Short stories; really great at evoking a multidimensional world in a short space. I think some of them are set in her other fictional universes.

        Some are responses to other classic sci fi–The People Who Walk Out of Ormolu, Puppetmasters, and I think Harrison Bergeron.

        1. Jen RO*

          I recently listened to an audio version of one of the stories in this book and it was great. This recommendation seals it – I’m adding it to my reading list.

      3. Stitch*

        I was meh on the Inheritance books, so I was a bit slow to read more by Jemisin. Is Broken Earth better?

        1. Jen RO*

          I tried to read the first Inheritance book and didn’t even finish the Kindle sample… but I don’t know if this means anything or not!

        2. Deranged Cubicle Owl*

          I’m reading book 3 of the inheritance series at the moment and while I like this series, the Broken Earth Trilogy is far superior.

          (I did it backwards, I got to know Jemisin with her later work;-) )

        3. Nye*

          I raced through the first Broken Earth book, slowed during the second, and really lost interest in the third. It just felt like the author got so caught up in her world-building that she forgot to write a clear, compelling narrative. It was a bummer, since I’d enjoyed the first one so much. Haven’t tried Inheritance since I’ve been a bit concerned it will peter out as well.

      4. Foila*

        I had just the same experience. Besides the broken earth trilogy, the books that have recently made me feel like nothing else lived up to them are :
        Ancillary Justice by Anne leckie
        The Chalion series by Lois McMaster Bujold
        Zero History by William Gibson
        Uprooted by Naomi novik

        Those are all pretty well known, so you may already have read them – but I’d love suggestions on the same vein!

        I also loved n k jemison’s Hundred Thousand Kingdoms series, if you haven’t already devoured it.

        1. Jen RO*

          I hated, hated Ancillary Justice, lol, and I was sure it was gonna come up since most people loved it! I don’t know why I disliked it so much… I even finished it, hoping it would click… but nope.

          I haven’t read any of the others (though I’ve read other things from the authors) – I’ll look them up, thanks!

          1. SpellingBee*

            I couldn’t get into it either – I’ve tried 3 times, thinking it was just the mood I was in at the time, but have never been able to force myself more than halfway through. I’ve given up!

      5. MMB*

        I read The Inheritance Trilogy and the first Book in the Broken Earth series. I wound up enjoying them but …….I did feel like I had to work for it when I first started!
        I lean more toward Fantasy but if you’re open to it….
        Some of the Leigh Bardugo books are good
        The Bear and the Nightingale series by Katherine Arden is AMAZING. (Someone else mentioned this series a week or so ago and they may have gone into more detail.)
        Tad William’s follow-up trilogy to Memory, Sorrow and Thorn starts off rocky but redeems itself in the second book.
        Lately though, I’ve been devouring Jacob Pepper’s books. He’s new but developing and his characters really hook you.

        1. Jen RO*

          I generally also lean towards fantasy (just not high fantasy) and I’ve read many of the classic stuff, but not a lot of the more modern authors.

          However, your comment made me realize that, even though I’ve been hearing about Memory, Sorrow and Thorn for many years, I’ve never actually read it, so I got a Kindle sample to see how it goes!

          I will definitely give other NK Jemisin series a shot based on the comments here – but after my memories of The Broken Earth fade. I think I am still too much in that world to really be able to shift to another.

          2. MCL*

            One of my favorite fantasy works is Catherynne M Valente’s Orphan’s Tales duo. I rarely see them recommended, but they’re stunning books.

      6. Lost in the Woods*

        I just finished “The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet,” and I loved it. It has a very richly developed universe but the plot is very focused on a group of normal people and how they move through the universe. I found it to be delightful.

        1. Grace*

          I love those books! If you haven’t read the two sequels, you totally should – my favourite is the second, A Closed and Common Orbit, but the third is also pretty damn good. I say sequels. Kind of. Some of the characters overlap, and the stories are somewhat related to each other, but they’re more about exploring different stories in corners of the universe than about continuing the story from the first book.

          They all work as stand-alones, so if anyone sees one of the three Becky Chambers Wayfarers books, pick it up and read it without worrying about the fact that it’s the second or third in the trilogy.

        2. Jen RO*

          I read it a month or so ago, mostly because I thought the title and cover were brilliant! The book itself was enjoyable, but it didn’t make me want to read the sequels as well.

          1. Grace*

            I think your interest in the sequels might depend on what it was that made the original a little less enjoyable. The first and third are fairly similar in that they both have a larger cast of POV characters and less of a firm target in terms of plot until maybe the last third or so. More slice-of-life. The second is more focused, with only two main POV characters (on two seperate timelines) and with more of a major goal that’s set up earlier on. That’s why I prefer that one, personally – I tend to get a bit lost if there are too many POVs going on at once.

      7. gecko*

        The Raven Tower by Ann Leckie was a really interesting one. It’s a gradually unfolding story about an an ancient society. It’s fantasy, and the prose is interesting, but it’s not at all like Ancillary Justice (I read below you didn’t like).

        Sabriel, by Garth Nix, is older and you may have read it but it’s still worth recommending.

        The Curse of Chalion, by Lois McMaster Bujold, is an awesome novel about a fantasy Iberian peninsula. One of the most interesting things about it for me is that all the magic is related to the in-world religion, which feels like a real religion people could believe in. It’s hard to explain, but it gives you the sense of how religion may have worked in the ancient world, with miracles and gods just a fact of life & culture. The follow up books in the series weren’t as good, imo, and are not necessary.

        The Bear and the Nightingale, by Katherine Arden. Enjoyed enormously.

        1. Jen RO*

          Ohh now that you said Iberian peninsula I do remember The Curse of Chalion! I read it 10 years or so ago and I enjoyed it, though I’m not a huge fan of fantasy versions of real world history.

          I ordered a sample of The Bear and the Nightingale, sounds right up my alley!

      8. DataGirl*

        Just have to say I second NK Jeminsin’s work. After I read (audiobooked) the Broken Earth series I read everything else by her. The other series are different but also very good. Another good series by a similar author the Binti

      9. DataGirl*

        Just have to say I second NK Jeminsin’s work. After I read (audiobooked) the Broken Earth series I read everything else by her. The other series are different but also very good. Another good series by a similar author are the Binti books by Nnedi Okorafor. Only downside is they are very short.

        1. Jen RO*

          I haven’t read Binti, but I loved Who Fears Death and The Book of Phoenix by the same author. I also read Lagoon, which just didn’t click with me, unfortunately.

      10. Lost in the Woods*

        Oh, another thought: I never tire of recommending the Queen’s Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner. The first book (The Thief) was written for a middle grade audience and is cute and very well written, but remains middle grade fiction, but the rest of the books are smart YA trending towards adult. They are the most satisfying fantasy political intrigue I’ve ever read. The third book especially is the gift that keeps on giving; I’ve read it probably 5 or 6 times and I find new things every time.

      11. smoke tree*

        I would say it’s closer to magical realism than typical fantasy, but I loved both of Natasha Pulley’s books (The Watchmaker of Filigree Street and The Bedlam Stacks). One of them features a clockwork octopus, both include a kind of unusual approach to time travel, and they’re both extremely charming and very cleverly written.

      12. Avasarala*

        I guess it would count as a space opera, but I’m a big big fan of the Expanse. It does the best thing SFF can do: explore fundamental questions about our world and society in a different, removed context. Super diverse cast (not just gender/sexuality/race but also in personality and skills and goals), exciting plot where actions have consequences but not too random or dark, and all-around just a delight to read. The show (now on Amazon Prime) is very good too.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I felt the need for some beauty, so I’m reading a Charles De Lint YA (or middle reader?) book illustrated by Charles Vess: ‘The Cats of Tanglewood Forest.”
      I’m NOT introducing my daughter to Zelazny’s Amber series because it’s not in our library system…which boggles me enough that I’m buying it. If my husband finds his set in storage, our daughter can loan this set out. Or I’ll give it to the library to put it in with the teen paperbacks.

      1. Jen RO*

        Zelazny is my absolute favorite author and I am so sad that I read everything he has written, so there is nothing new to discover… I envy your daughter!

    3. Jenny F. Scientist*

      Justina Ireland’s Dread Nation! The premise sounds over the top (enslaved African-Americans fight zombies) but ignore that and read it anyways, it was SO GOOD.

      1. Just a Guy in a Cube*

        Yes! I just finished rereading this for a review, and it stands up well on a second read. There’s a lot of interesting sociology buried in it if that’s appealing, but it doesn’t intrude on just being a good YA adventure.
        I’m also rereading Mary Doria Russell’s The Sparrow, which I last read a decade ago and have forgotten other than that it’s very good (still holds up), and recently finished a short book of poems by Eve Ewing: 1919, inspired by the Red Summer of Chicago in 1919. I hadn’t considered myself a poetry person, but these were lovely and incisive, and I highly recommend it.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I recently reread Curse of Chalion and Paladin of Souls, by Bujold, which are some of my favorite high fantasy novels. What I really love is that great stories grow out of constraints, and even though there are gods there are also strict rules on what they can do. Really tight plotting, laying out threads that later pull together.

      Illuminae is a YA space opera trilogy in which things just go spectacularly, horribly wrong at fast pace. The first book is especially strong, and does some neat things with the format. (Told in the collected interviews style.)

    5. Stitch*

      I am working my way through the Expanse books. They are a quick read, despite being long and the world building is great.

      I just read Number One Chinese Restaurant and thought it was just okay.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Hello fellow Expanse fan!

        I’m currently reading number seven in the series: Persepolis Rising.

      2. gecko*

        Yes! I got a bit stalled after Nemesis Games (book 5) and haven’t picked the series back up yet, but I love em. Those books have a crazy amount of nuance and subtle character for an exciting space opera.

      3. Mephyle*

        Expanse fan here, currently rereading the first three books to prepare for what comes next, since I snagged books 4 to 7 in the recent Prime Day sales! And rewatching the show, too, at the same time.

    6. we used to be friends, a long time ago*

      This is one of my favorite books! I also highly recommend her PATRIOT HEARTS, which is a novelization of the founding mothers (more or less). I was sad when I couldn’t get into her other books; she’ s quite prolific.

    7. Penguin*

      You might look up Mary Robinette Kowal; she writes books that are often categorized as “romance” but are probably better described as alternate history fiction, sometimes with fantastical elements, involving characters with actual personalities. Two of her more recent books take place during the US Space Race (but decades early). Others are set in semi-Victorian England (if I remember right) and at least one happens during World War I. Ghosts and magic may or may not make an appearance!

    8. I hate coming up with usernames*

      Coincidentally enough, I just read Mrs. Anything. Usually I really like her books, but not as much with this one. It was interesting that it takes place in some of the areas I work/grew up, but overall I found it to be a bit too much of a downer for me.

    9. Clisby*

      I haven’t, although I’ve read all of her Benjamin January novels, which are really interesting.

    10. Grace*

      I’ve just finished Susanna Clarke’s Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. It’s not new, but I picked it up cheap in Oxfam Books, as I did with most books I’ve read recently. A 1000 page brick is just the book I need for a flight followed by a delayed coach followed by a three-hour coach journey. It saved my sanity, honestly.

      My love for it is perhaps slightly tinted by the fact that so much of it takes place in my homeland (a book set in rural Yorkshire that doesn’t depict us all as racist farmers! it’s a miracle!) but I really did enjoy it. I’ve only just re-read Pride and Prejudice, so the Regency-style writing fit my current desired aesthetic very well. It reminded me quite a lot of Naomi Novik’s Temeraire series in terms of a well-written alternate history from around that period.

      (The downside of books set in my homeland of Yorkshire – boy oh boy is the fanfiction for this book filled with abysmal attempts at written accents and dialect. I don’t mean to put people down but. Please. Don’t phonetically write accents. Especially if you’re clearly not from the area and have no idea what the accents actually sound like. Select and correctly-used dialect, yes. Phonetic spelling of accents, no. Clarke did it well.)

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        You probably already know of it, but if you love stories set in Yorkshire, the James Herriot books are classics. Alternately hilarious and touching adventures and misadventures of a real WW2 era vet.

    11. DataGirl*

      Currently speeding through the October Days series. They are about a changling detective in San Francisco: incredibly derivative of the Dresden Files books and simple plots but idk something about them is very enjoyable. I’m on the third book and just started them a few days ago.

    12. Pam*

      My latest is This is How You Lose the Time War. Authors are Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone. I love epistolary books.

  15. Lena Clare*

    Alison, that picture of Wallace is a real hoot! He looks like a gentleman cat reclining in the study.

    The physio fixed my leg yesterday – I cannot believe how wonderful it is to be almost pain-free after about 3 years of limping. I slept last night, and I can walk again.

    It happened, she thinks, after a car accident I had. I basically got all out of shape and my posture was crooked.

    The side effects from the antidepressants I’m on have finally calmed down, I feel good.

    I got a date next weekend with someone I met online, who seems reasonable.

    I met with my work HR and my boss last week to discuss some reasonable accommodations for my illnesses/ disability, and they were really supportive.

    And I got my finance through for my university course this October. I’m looking at books to buy…it’s sooo seductive!

    So stuff is really good right now, after being so really horrible for a long time.

    I know this isn’t really the purpose of this discussion forum, sorry, but I wanted to share this and ask what good things have happened to you this week, or are ypu looking forward to?

    1. The Grammarian*

      Great news, Lena Clare! I’m going to physio/PT this week and I hope that I get swift relief as well. The weather is beautiful where I am this weekend, and I hope to go outside to enjoy it. I also like the picture of the cat–very serious, very gentlemanly.

    2. NewNameTemporarily4This*

      Just wanted to say – I am so glad that things are turning around for you. Frankly, nothing brings me down as much as the one-two punch of pain and lack of sleep. And yes, good news on the anti-depressants – I have finally gotten my dose right, and now that I’m past the headache, I’m less anxious, and keeping the dishes (and myself) in better shape.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Thank you, that’s so kind of you:) Yes, pain and no sleep are horrible partners.
        Very glad to hear that the meds are working for you too!

  16. Lena Clare*

    Removed because the weekend thread is no work, no school. But you can post it on the Friday thread next week!

  17. Bummed out but trying not to be*

    I’m so sorry. I thought this was the work related discussion… I’m so sorry. I should not post online at almost 3am. Please just delete my original comment. I’m going to go back to bed now :/

  18. Shiny Swampert*

    TLDR: My house is a tip and my life is also a bit of a tip and I don’t know how to make it ok. Help??

    Long version: Since I got kittens last month my “keeping on top of things… just barely” has slipped to “…in no way keeping on top of things”. When I went away for a few days last weekend I ended up packing by quite literally panic-throwing clothes into my suitcase and ended up with far more than I needed (I often panic-pack but usually not this bad). A package arrived from work with equipment I need in MAY and I haven’t opened it yet. My kitchen hob is disgusting. My bathroom is ok but that’s about it.

    I keep telling myself I’m not turning into my mother but I am, I think she could be clinically diagnosed as a hoarder and I find going to my parents’ house really stressful and I was there last weekend.

    My latest course of therapy is nearly finished (it was to process long-standing trauma and has been amazing for that). I had to come off my anti depressants as they were absolutely knackering my sleep and causing weird-ass dreams that were exhausting. I feel much better off them in myself… but clearly things are still Not Good.

    I don’t even know how to unpick this right now. I keep looking round and thinking that it’s “only” X that needs doing, if I do that it will be a start… but even when I make myself do X all that’s done is X. I don’t use that as a starting board for everything else.

    How can I even start?

    1. Lena Clare*

      UnF*ck Your Habitat – Google it! It changed my life, seriously.
      Good luck. You can do this!

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        I’ve looked at that before and it hasn’t suited me but I’m haven’t *actually tried it*. Will give it a go.

        1. Lena Clare*

          Ah if it didn’t suit you then don’t make yourself fret otherwise it’ll become another thing you have to do that you don’t want to!

          How about just setting aside 5 minutes right now and clear one portion of a workspace/counter/ surface next to you, then go get a cup of tea?

          1. Shiny Swampert*

            Well tbf I decided it didn’t suit me without actually trying it out haha. Whereas I know I can’t stand flylady because I properly tried that for months.

            I do need a cup of tea. Maybe I’ll try cleaning one thing before I make it. Thank you.

            1. Parenthetically*

              I HATED Flylady with a passion — felt like I was cleaning nonstop. UFYH is 180 degrees different than Flylady IMO. No need for structured cleans, just a few basic principles that you implement on your own schedule/to your own preferences.

              1. Clisby*

                Yeah, and when I looked at Flylady she was badgering people with “Is your sink shining?” (Lady, I have a vintage ceramic-over-cast-iron sink, and it doesn’t shine.) And something like, “Are you wearing shoes?” (Lady, I telecommute full-time and one of the perks of this job is I don’t have to wear shoes.) She was SO annoying.

                1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                  Yeah Flylady is definitely not for me! I signed up once years ago and the emails were so overwhelming I abandoned the email address altogether.

                  The main thing I like about UFYH if the thing of just setting a timer and cleaning for 10 or 20 minutes at a time.

                2. Beatrice*

                  The part that annoyed me was the website. It was just so cluttered. Some of her stuff did work for me, but the persistent peppy cheerfulness, hordes of devout followers and the cluttered, out of date website did not.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Dan K. White “Decluttering at the Speed of Light” (website amASlobComesClean).
      AND if you are able to tolerate her extreme cheer & mutual marketing with other self help sites, Flylady’s got some great advice about habits & not letting yourself get stopped by lack of perfection.

      3. Lena Clare*

        I hadn’t heard of either of those before. The A Slob Comes Clean website is good!
        (Oh goodness, the Flylady though!…just, no >.<)

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          Look for the older Sidetracked Home Executives books. The Flylady based her system on theirs, but they’re kinder and gentler and they tell stories about being in the same mess you’re in.

    3. Villanelle*

      Can you afford a one off cleaner to come round that will do a deep clean as it might help you get started when you have a level base to start from.

      Or

      You pick one of those things (the equipment, the hob etc) each day to focus on. Wack up the music on loud and go for it.

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        I mean, I can’t really afford it, but at this stage maybe I need to make it happen, because the longer this goes on the higher my levels of despair get. I’ve had a cleaner do my bathroom before, might get in touch with her to see what she can offer.

        1. Venus*

          I have decided (for myself) that a cleaner to do the washroom and kitchen is something that I can do occasionally when I need help. I convinced a hoarder family member to do the same. They worked hard recently and cleared away some stuff, so they decided to get someone in to clean so that they are more likely to maintain it as well as use that energy for getting rid of stuff.

          It’s not the right choice for everyone, but works for some. I kinda view it as an investment in mental health, because we only have so much energy and if we can afford to have someone do parts of our chores (even if it’s only occasionally) then we have more time for ourselves.

      2. Asta*

        I would say do not do this if you have anything resembling hoarding tendencies. If someone else moves and cleans everything it might just make things worse. The way to start is very slowly, with very small steps.

        I’ve heard good things about a book called Buried In Treasures.

        1. Ethyl*

          I agree with this! Shiny, rather than a cleaner, what about a professional organizer? Someone to help you develop the skills and habits rather than just clean for you? I bet you can find someone who will work within whatever budget (financial AND emotional) you have available if you explain what’s going on.

        2. fposte*

          To contrast, though, I have some hoarding tendencies and I found a cleaner really helpful. I had to get a little used to it, but the actual touching of my stuff isn’t that big a deal, and it was a lot easier for me to self-motivate to pick stuff up if somebody else was doing the cleaning of the surfaces afterwards.

          I also have semi-periodic no-go areas for the cleaner; for a while one room is off limits and I put “can’t deal with it” stuff in there. That works fine and keeps the perfect (having all objects sorted enough to put them away) from being the enemy of the good (cleaning kitchen surfaces and floors).

    4. Marzipan*

      Oh, I can relate to this SO HARD.

      (Honestly, the way I dragged myself out of depressed housekeeping into getting my home life into some sort of order was through realising there were rats getting in under the floorboards. It turns out they’re remarkable teachers of domestic skills but I don’t really recommend this as a method!)

      You said “even when I make myself do X all that’s done is X”, and I think maybe that sums up where you’re getting bogged down. The reality is that literally everything anyone has ever accomplished – from the most mundane thing to the most enchanting – was achieved by breaking it down into lots of little X tasks and then gradually doing all of them.

      It’s also easy to see the task of ‘getting my house and life under control’ as one gargantuan push that when you’re out the other side of it will never need to be done again, rather than as an ongoing maintenance matter. Like, it should be possible to just DO IT but it never actually seems to be done. I was trying to describe this to my friend, and he said ‘so basically, you’re saying you have acute cleaning when you need to have chronic cleaning’, which was a bit of a lightbulb moment.

      If your haven’t already checked out Marie Kondo, maybe do – I ignored big chunks of her method but I also took a lot from it and have substantially reduced the amount of stuff in the house. Many people also find Unfuck Your Habitat to be helpful.

      In my main sorting-shit-out phase, the main thing I did was to set myself a goal of doing a bit every day. It didn’t have to be anything massive, just a little bit of forward momentum. If I’d had a knackering day, I could scale it right back and make it something teeny; just that it was something. One X. And eventually, looking back, I could see I’d done XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (only in, you know, a less porny way than that sounds). And, alongside that, I also really tried to achieve chronic cleaning and… I basically have!

      Latterly, I have been able to have people round to fix stuff in my house that has needed fixing for ages but it was too embarrassingly messy to schedule them! If a friend turned up unexpectedly on my doorstep, I would let them in! I promise it can be done and you can do it, one X at a time. Good luck!

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        ‘so basically, you’re saying you have acute cleaning when you need to have chronic cleaning’
        Please tell your friend that this has made me laugh on a day that is pretty much utter sh!te. Amazing way of putting it.

        I did find Marie Kondo very helpful actually. Dammit, I lent her book to a friend. I’ll have to see if I can get it back. I’d forgotten how helpful I found that actually. Thanking things for their service and letting them go worked well for me.

        I think part of the problem is that I have an extremely strong need to move house, because I’m currently still living where I was married to my abusive ex, but Kid has just as strong a need to stay here because this is where his family was together, which utterly breaks my heart. Put that together with no real savings and inertia and I’m still here, I guess. Maybe what I need to deal with both of these problems is a master plan broken down into teeny tiny steps. Hmm. I’ll have a think about this.

        Thank you so much. This comment has a lot for me to think about.

        1. Marzipan*

          Oh goodness, I can completely understand why you’re feeling so much inertia in that situation!

          Would it help to reframe your moving/staying problem as, both you and Kid need to be living in a space that works for you and allows you to feel safe and comfortable? I don’t in any way want to diminish your feelings about the abuse you experienced – I’m so glad you aren’t in that situation anymore, even if you haven’t physically been able to move elsewhere yet. But, it sounds like you’re almost perceiving your needs as opposites to one another, whereas I think they’re actually the same thing. And if moving right now isn’t an option, then anything you can do to reclaim the space you’re in – be it rearranging or having a jolly good sort out or adding a few new cheap accessories that are completely in your own taste and not something your ex would ever have picked – well, actually, every little bit of that is a moving on step. It lets Kid get used to change gradually, so when you’re ready to move it’s not such a shock to the system. It makes moving more achievable and possible (I know when I’ve felt out of control at home, the very idea of moving just seemed unattainable because of All The Stuff). And, for right now it just makes life a bit nicer and more comfortable and pleasant for you, which you absolutely deserve. Any mileage in that?

          1. Shiny Swampert*

            Thank you. Yeah. Everything is still all beige. I’ve tinkered round the edges but not changed anything substantive. That’s really helpful!

        2. Pippa*

          Lots of people have made smart and helpful comments in this thread, but can I just add a ‘well done, you!’ You got out of an abusive relationship, you’ve done effective work taking care of your mental health, you’re an attentive and caring parent raising a child, you’ve identified your current practical challenges and started finding tactics for them, and you have kittens! Well done on all of it. Sometimes the next things that need doing are all we can see, but if you glance back you can see the amazing to-do list you’ve already trounced. I’m impressed.

          And if I knew you irl, I’d clean your kitchen for you. It’s so much easier to tackle someone else’s stuff.

        3. Una*

          Just speaking as someone who moved multiple times as a child, including through a divorce – I’m sure I was an emotional wreck about it at the time, but in the end, it was fine. I’ve known adults who have a hard time when their parents move from the family home, even if they haven’t been living in it for years! It’s just in our nature to get attached. There might be tears and maybe even grief, but that’s life—learning to cope with change even though it hurts. Frankly, moving always sucks no matter your age or attachments, but there’s definitely parts that kids will get excited about too. Getting a new room. Getting to pick out a color for the walls in the new room! Or just getting new posters or decorations. Moving closer to friends. Moving to a neighborhood where the ice cream truck stops by (I would be excited about this as an adult). Obviously none of those might apply, but there’s usually something.

          Anyway, it sounds like it’s not an option for you to move now for other reasons, but I just think you are being really hard on yourself in defining the reasons your kid ‘needs’ to stay. It sounds a lot like you might be finding a way to blame yourself for getting out of an abusive relationship, as though that was a decision that you made for yourself and hurt your kid. However much a child might idealize their parents/caregivers, there’s no way it was good for your kid to be living under the same roof as someone abusive.

          1. Shiny Swampert*

            Oh. Wow. The stuff about blaming myself… yeah. I think I might need to explore that on my own.

        4. Alexandra Lynch*

          I have fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, and arthritis in my feet subsequent to a car accident in my 20’s.

          First off, it’s okay to clean in little bits and snippets of time. It’s okay if you can’t do much on the day a storm rolls in or you get triggered or you had a bad night last night. Not every day is going to be like that.

          My ex was a hoarder. He hoarded me right out of the house, in the end. I now live with Clean People. And a kitten.

          The less stuff you have, the easier it is to keep it clean and in order. While I like to have the dishes done every night, if I don’t do them tomorrow, we won’t have anything to eat on, and that’s a bit of a motivating factor! You may have to deal with emotion on some of this stuff. That’s also okay.

          Can you consider repainting and doing other potential remodeling things to make the house more yours + Kid’s rather than Ex’s?

    5. Koala dreams*

      There are apps that you can use to create good habits, for example Habitica. Start small, for example with cleaning the counter or taking out a bag of trash. Then you can add things as you get used to the previous ones. Music and podcasts helps me get things done. Also, be kind to yourself. It’s great that your bathroom is okay! It’s great that you already have identified where you want to start. You will have better days and worse days, remember tomorrow is a new day and a new chance.

      As for hoarding, I feel it’s a sign of the problems with current consumer culture. It’s so hard to keep up with things when you are supposed to buy this and that and everything. I don’t have a solution, I just want you to know that you are not alone.

      1. Koala dreams*

        Oh, and congratulations to the kittens! I wish them and you a happy life together!

    6. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      I got started with evening chores by turning them into podcast time. After putting kids to bed, I get to go downstairs to do the dishes and listen to some of my favorite podcasts, so that turned into a nice routine. At one point, I’d gotten to dishes + surfaces + sweep kitchen as a single routine (before we added the sheep, which disrupt timing in various ways). This is really “develop a habit by pairing with a reward” advice, but it’s the only concrete way I’ve ever gotten a foundation like this established.

      1. Overeducated*

        Are you my husband…? No, he does that while I handle kid bath time, not afger bed…but it’s been working for a couple years!

      2. Christmas*

        I’m going to follow that podcast advice *today*! Although I’m pretty organized and productive in every other aspect of my life, I struggle with motivation to work on keeping my home clean/tidy. There’s a few TED-talks I’ve been meaning to listen to also; I wonder if that will help me get in the zone. Thanks for sharing this!

      3. Beatrice*

        Oh, I do this! Instead of podcasts, I use my tablet and Netflix, but I can carry it anywhere in the house. I tend to pick shows/movies I don’t need to watch intently to follow (nothing with subtitles, for example.) I’m best with either things I’ve seen before (The Office!) or things with lots of dialogue. The chores take a little longer because I’m distracted, but I get more done overall because I don’t feel like I’m drudging away at them.

    7. Clisby*

      Can you afford a cleaning service? It doesn’t have to be weekly, and it doesn’t have to include the entire house. Even having someone come in and clean the kitchen and bathrooms twice a month would be a help. We currently have a service clean our house twice a month (and have done this for years, in different cities.) The main thing we realized was that this forced us to rise to a certain level of neatness, if not cleanliness. The cleaning service can’t really work if the floor is strewn with clothes or toys, for example.

    8. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      When I’m having a hard time with life, and the house, or a room falls to the wayside, I use a timer. I set it for 5 minutes. I know that no matter how depressed I am, or how tired, I can work for 5 minutes. Don’t let the thought that 5 minutes won’t do anything stop you, because that is NOT true. And when that timer goes off, give yourself permission to stop OR to re-set it. After a few days or a week (whenever!) do 10 minutes…then 15. This is how I dealt with years of accumulated clutter due to health issues and depression.
      I also write a weekly, not a daily list. I started with writing only 3 things. And if I did something else (because that happens!) I add it to the list and check it off. Dealing with the clutter is hard enough, so making sure that I don’t beat myself up for it is important. Our minds, for whatever reason, want us to feel bad, I guess, so self-care is important!

    9. KR*

      For me lists help. I write a list of the most minute tasks (declutter table, take stuff off stairs, take laundry upstairs, put load of towels in, put load of clothes in, unload dishwasher, reload dishwasher, ect). It makes the list longer and almost more overwhelming but because I’ve spelled out every task I get to cross things off faster!! I also write down little things I’ve done that aren’t on the list just so I can cross them off. I’ll make a big list and decide to tackle it either over the week or weekend, with a separate list of “would be nice if I did this but I probably won’t and that’s ok!” that are big chores like vaccuming out the car or similar.

      1. KR*

        Also – the list isn’t something I do to say oh I must do this – rather a tool to focus me when I get overwhelmed about my house getting messy.

    10. Pharmgirl*

      I recently discovered the “Tody” app and found it super useful. It comes preloaded with a lot of chores, and you can of course add in your own. All you need to do is set how often you want to clean something, and if you happen to go overdue, it just resets from the day you actually completed the task (vs. for example having a weekly task due every Sunday, even if you just completed it on Saturday). Essentially, the app shows you which tasks need the most attention, so you know where to start. It also lets you set an effort level for each task (1, 2, or 3), so on days you’re not feeling it but want to do something, you can filter by effort needed instead.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Just my guess but you don’t think of your house as your home anymore. It is more like “the place I am stuck at right now.” I would not want to clean that either.

      Unfortunately, it may not be a coincidence that kiddo is stuck also. Us humans tend to follow our parents and later tend to follow our leadership. (Not everyone and not all the time, clearly.)

      So how to get unstuck. Can you think of a task that you are looking forward to OR would provide relief to you if the task were done?
      You show here that X does get done. You are doing stuff. So do you reward yourself for doing X or do you nag yourself about A through P that are not done yet? Self-talk is super important. I can see X being unsatisfying when what you really want to do is just move.
      Can a friend come help you for an hour or two?

      More big picture, can you and kiddo look for a new place together, where he gets to say what he likes? Changes are easier when we know we are going TOWARD something. New place will be better because [fill in the blank with something, trees to climb, larger yard, whatever].

      It’s been a while now that he has been refusing to move, right? I have forgotten but do you go to counseling together at all? I think at some point because you are the parent and he is the dependent you get to make the bigger decisions. I am not sure where that point kicks in but it seems to me if your quality of life is deteriorating then that point probably kicks in soon. A happier you may result in a happier kiddo.

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        but you don’t think of your house as your home anymore. It is more like “the place I am stuck at right now.” I would not want to clean that either.

        I missed this on my first reading. Then I caught it on my second and it almost winded me. Yes. Exactly. It’s never really felt like my home, but even less so now, and I’ve been here over 15 years.

        I know you’re right about making the decision for us both. I think going and looking at houses might help. At the minute he says that he will move as long as I keep this house too so he can live in it when he’s older. It’s progress but not really enough. I’ve been trying to get him a referral to the relevant mental health services but it’s hard.

        I feel like I post similar stuff without ever moving on or changing anything. I’m trying. It’s so very hard. On the bright side the EMDR has helped like magic for resolving trauma. So maybe now I can move onto resolving all the hoarding tendencies? I hope so. I’d love to be able to report back soon that I’ve moved and everything is lovely.

        Thank you as ever NSNR. I always appreciate your perspective <3

        1. Not So NewReader*

          FWIW, I told my parents I wanted them to keep the houses because I wanted them when I was older.

          Reality: Twenty year old me told a super-shocked parent, “Sell the darn thing and pocket the money, and go live life!”
          I did tell my father I would rather see him happy than inherit the house. I ended up with one of the houses which I quickly sold. Because thirty year old me could not handle the financial or physical obligations of a second house on a huge piece of real estate.

          Stories have twists and turns.

    12. Paris- Berlin -Seoul Express*

      This is what helped me on days when I could barely leave the bed due to health related issues. Make a list of everything that needs to be done breaking it into the smallest units you can think (think 10 minutes or so). Laundry for instance would be: 1. Find everything that needs to be washed and put it into pile. 2. Sort pile into categories. 3. Wash a load. 4. Dry and fold. 5. Put away. Repeat 3, 4, and 5. Then cross off whatever you got done. I also put time estimates next to the task. Between every task I got done, I would give myself a little treat, like a chapter of a book, a cup of coffee or ten minutes of a movie. If at the end of the day it was even just one or two things that got done I felt like I accomplished something or at least I didn’t fall further behind.

    13. ket*

      I’ll add a few other ideas: I do like the 5 minute timer and I also found Marie Kondo useful, but to supercharge your effectiveness, do these things:

      Identify an 80/20 area. It’s that idea that 20% of your space gets 80% of your attention or impact. So pick on hot spot — the dining room table, or the area right where you come in where you put your keys — and do that first. That visible impact can be really encouraging. If you think, oh, my 80/20 area is my whole living room! — NO! That’s too big. Narrow it down. The table. The dresser. Where the shoes go by the door.

      Add beauty instead of just subtracting clutter. So say you pick your dining room table as your 80/20. Then pick some flowers or get them from the grocery store, or set out a decorative candle or something right as you finish that little clean-up. Add a bit of beauty that is yours. Especially reading about your house & feelings about it, putting that finishing touch, that personal claim on that cleaned-up space… it might be useful. “Even though I am not thrilled with living in this house, I claim this table as a spot for calm and beauty for me right now.” If it’s the place where you put your keys, a pretty mirror or a motivational poster. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Just a touch of something that delights you.

    14. Shiny Swampert*

      Realised why this has got worse since the kittens!!
      I moved a load of stuff out of the main rooms so they don’t destroy it. And I’m keeping the bedroom doors shut as I know I’m allergic to them (only mildly but don’t want to exacerbate it) and the kid maybe isn’t but he has hay fever so I want to keep them out of his sleep space. And I have a complicated airlock system so they don’t get out as they’ll probably be indoor cats anyway but they are not yet either neutered or microchipped (Friday!!)

      But the main room is still full of kitten chaos, and now my room is even more chaos, but the place also now feels. Like. Separate. Zones. And not one place to live in.
      Any suggestions for this one?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Kittens and puppies ARE chaos. It’s a stage and it will pass. Meanwhile, allow their antics to make you laugh.
        Laughter is just as important as tears.
        If they start to feel too intense ask a good friend to come over and help you play with them. Yes, a kitten-sitter but very short term. Maybe the friend plays for 15 minutes. But that 15 can be a real relief and help break the intensity.

      2. Tris Prior*

        This too shall pass! My apartment went to absolute hell when we adopted our kittens. Airlock systems, yes. Stuff stored in places I didn’t want it stored in, so that the kittens didn’t destroy/eat/etc, it, yes. SO much catproofing. SO much getting rid of stuff I liked because the kittens wouldn’t stop attacking it (goodbye, tablecloth and curtains! All the curtains had to go because Girl Kitten would climb up to the ceiling and then just hang there with back legs flailing; I have no idea how she didn’t hurt herself).

        The good news is, it DOES get better. Mine are just over a year and noticeably calming down; they also require less attention. Which is a thing I don’t think anyone’s mentioned yet; when ours were tiny (we got them at 10 weeks) I was spending SO much energy and brain space on making sure they got enough playtime and exercise, getting them on a routine, just keeping them alive, that I had none left for, like, basic house maintenance.

        What sucks is that some of the catproofing is permanent. As dumb as it sounds, I get crabby about unloading the dishwasher because I have to undo all the child locks on the cabinets and then redo them immediately or else as soon as I turn my back there will be a cat in there. And we have to keep the sponge in a cabinet because if it’s in the sink or on the counter or even in a holder, we will come home from work and find the sponge in a different room because Boy Cat likes to fish it out of the sink and then carry it through our apartment in his little kitty mouth. Not much advice here other than trying to have a better attitude about it and reminding myself that it doesn’t actually take THAT long to retrieve the sponge or unlock a cabinet, it’s just a pain in the ass that I can deal with.

        1. Shiny Swampert*

          Cats in kitchen cupboards! Sponges! Are you me from the future? although it’s Girl Kitten here that loves the sponge in the kitchen sink. Boy cat prefers his mice, although once his sister has thoroughly chewed the sponges he’ll join in on those too. My son’s pokemon poster in the kitchen has already been sacrificed to the cat gods, he hasn’t noticed yet but he will.

          It’s mainly good to know it’s not just me, it’s just hard work having kittens!

    15. Shiny Swampert*

      It’s 11am here. I let myself have a lie in because I’ve been utterly exhausted this week – ridiculous heatwave, travelling, family stressfulness, a night out which was good but I had to look after an extremely drunk person which then meant a terrible night’s sleep, living in chaos….
      Anyway so yes I did that. Since getting up I have:
      -washed up
      -cleaned the cats’ bowls and fed them
      -played with said kittens (I mean it’s fun but it’s also a task, amirite?!)
      -cleaned the washing machine – drawer, filter, inside of door which had got a bit skanky
      -put a load of washing on
      -put away some towels and tea towels
      -changed the bath mats

      About to bring in last night’s washing (should be dry now haha) and the cats just used the litter trays so will spot clean (and fully clean later).

      I have some paperwork stuff to do that will be A Major Issue if I don’t do in the next few days so that will be next. Then I’m going into town to play Pokémon Go, I mean buy some kitten food ;)

      I will also try out the 80/20 thing someone suggested when I get home, I think that will help.

      Thank you all so much. I felt utterly bereft and useless yesterday. I’m feeling much more human today.

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        Washing in.
        Litter tray spot cleaned.
        Hob sprayed so that the burned on stuff comes off easier later.

        The cats are now asleep on my knee so paperwork will have to wait a short while.

        1. Shiny Swampert*

          Hob pretty much clean.
          First load of washing on line and next load in the machine.
          Shopping list started.
          Going to town now. Remembered I also have to sort out the kid’s clothes later (long story) but at least then they’ll be done.
          Time to get dressed!! Not stressed as autocorrect tried to tell me haha.

          2. Shiny Swampert*

            Chores and a bit of shopping done in town, along with some playing pokemon go.
            Got together all the kid’s clothes for sorting out.
            Cleaned the litter trays (and then had to spot clean them immediately, because of course I did!)
            Stressful urgent paperwork sorted.
            Stripped the bed earlier too. Unfortunately that means I need to make it before I can go to sleep, but it will be nice to have clean sheets.
            It’s well bedtime now but i’m still going to watch one episode of something with a nice chamomile tea before bed. I need to wind down a bit and I don’t have my usual early Monday start (yay summer hols).

            THank you all so much for your help and support. it’s made a real difference to me this weekend.

              1. Venus*

                I love this list. I feel like whatever lack of energy you had yesterday was completely offset by a very productive Sunday! Well done you.

                P.S. Playing with kittens is also known as ‘socialisation’ and it’s definitely a critical part of development. Add it to your list of accomplishments!

            2. Alexandra Lynch*

              I have had a cat waiting, all but tapping its foot impatiently, as I got the litter bag open, poured it in, replaced the cover, and then put the box back into place, because she had to be the FIRST one.

    16. Dancing Otter*

      This method is based on a book I received as a newly-wed many years ago. The book was aimed at routine maintenance, not backlog, but it works this way, too.

      1. Make a list of the backlogged chores, broken down into half-hour (or less) tasks. If you think it will take four hours to clear all the stuff off the bedroom floor, make that into eight 1/2-hour tasks. Highlight anything that’s an actual health & safety issue.
      2. Consider dependencies: do you have to clear off the table before you can dust &/or polish it?
      3. Make a card for each task, including information about dependencies, i.e. “must do X before this” or “must do this before Y”. Transfer the highlights, if any.
      4. Whenever you have a half-hour to work on cleaning, pick a card. Go for the highlighted ones first. Maybe you will have time and energy to do more than one, but just pick one at a time. If the card lists a predecessor that isn’t done yet, pick a different card (maybe look for the predecessor). Do the task you picked from the deck.
      5. When you finish a task, you’re going to move its card to a “Finished” pile, not throw it away. Life happens; maybe you’ll have to clear off the table again, so you move the card back into the main deck. Besides, looking at all the Finished cards will feel good. Before you put the card away, though, write the date you did it. If it has a dependent task, find that task and mark that X was done on this date. Then, when you draw the dependent task card, you will see that its predecessor has been done.
      6. Don’t make things worse in the meantime, and try really hard not to mess up what you’ve already tidied. If you spill something, wipe it up right away, even if the rest of the floor is still dirty. If you can’t find a place to put something away properly, can you put it somewhere that hasn’t been de-cluttered yet? When you bring something new into the apartment, try to find a place for it right away.

      I consider the half-hour breakdown the strength of this system, whether you use index cards or an electronic reminders list or a full-blown project management program. Maybe you can’t face four hours of task W, but half an hour doesn’t seem so impossible. Then another half-hour, maybe doing something else so you don’t burn out on W, or maybe choosing another card for W if you’re on a roll.
      The half-hours add up, even if you don’t see a dramatic difference with each one.

    17. smoke tree*

      What works best for me is podcast cleaning. Choose a podcast (or show, or album) that you particularly like and save it for cleaning only. For the duration of the episode (or a segment if that works better for you) focus on one thing that needs to be cleaned. When the episode is done or the thing is cleaned, you can take a break to play with kittens :) or have a cup of tea. It works well for me, because I find both cleaning and listening to podcasts not quite engaging enough to do on their own, but I really like podcasts so it motivates me to get started. Once I get started I usually build some momentum to keep going.

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        Ooooh. That might work actually and I’ve heard of that before but never thought of trying it for this. There are a couple of podcasts I could really save for this. Thank you!

  19. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread: how’s everyone’s writing going?
    Between melting due to the heat wave I got some small things done on my side project, but nothing major.

    1. Christmas*

      I started a writing project recently, but I’ve been struggling to pick the threads back up. Your post is nudging me to revisit it! I just got overwhelmed with everything I’m trying to write out, and the last chunk I wanted to develop turned out about five times longer in length than I intended…

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        *insert obligatory “you should be writing” meme*
        Glad to be of service! And yeah, for me things never have their intended length, they’re either shorter or longer.

    2. poetry writing*

      I submitted a poem to a journal and am having more and and more trouble not checking every 5 minutes if it has been accepted, especially since they say they usually respond within a deadline that ends this weekend. I know – know! – I need to just move on and much like job searching, just assume it won’t get in until I hear otherwise but dang it’s hard!

      I also wrote a really hard poem that I didn’t really want to write but it seemed it would not go away about my early abuse and sent it to my teacher for revisions and both the writing and the sharing felt brave so that makes me feel good.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oh yeah, definitely feel you on that one!
        Yeah, sometimes you just need to get things out of your head (a Belgian group called Absynthe Minded actually has a song about that, which is in turn an adaptation of a poem by Hugo Claus. The song (and poem) is “Envoi”, if you’re curious).
        Also, congratulations on having the courage to share! That is definitely not an easy thing to do *awkward look at the pile of stuff she’s written and doesn’t dare share*

    3. Claire*

      I had a wonderful epiphany this week that solves *all kinds* of problems. Chapter from hell is now done, and I’m galloping through the next.

      Oh, and in the department of squees, I have a book coming out this Tuesday, and Publishers Weekly included it as a Pick of the Week. Editor and I got all excited.

    4. Alexandra Lynch*

      I’m giving myself the year off. This year I broke up a 24 year marriage, got divorced, moved out of the town I’d lived in for nearly fifty years, and am now living somewhere else with my other two partners. And a new kitten. And one partner is changing jobs and is freaking out about it. So next year, or maybe late this fall, I’ll consider it. But right now I’m doing life and grieving.

  20. Kuododi*

    I’m currently in hospital following the lung biopsy. Still have the chest tube in place…grrrrr! Supposed to see the surgeon later this am. Hopefully he will have results of testing and will pull the tube. I’m pretty loopy right now so more details later.

    3. AnonyNurse*

      If they tell you to sing (as opposed to talk) while they pull the tube, insist everyone sing along with you. Hope it comes out today!

    6. Mimmy*

      Crossing fingers and toes for good results and chest tube removal today. Please let us know later if you feel up to it.

    12. Quandong*

      I hope the tube comes out sooner rather than later, and that you feel more comfortable soon. Sending good wishes your way, and hoping you get news on the better end of the spectrum.

      1. Kuododi*

        Well I am home;). They discharged me yesterday around 2:30pm. I’m actually feeling better than I expected and for the most part, I have regained my wits!!! Biopsy should come back toward the end of the week. Actually the tube came out without pain or any other type of distress. The Dr came in, started chatting with me about nothing in particular while pulling off dressings.. He then started to gather the gauze package wrappers and told me he was done with pulling out the chest tube. I was quite stunned as I felt nothing but the sensation of adhesive bandages being pulled. My sister and if the Dr had given me a kitten to play with while pulling the tube he would have been able to remove limbs without trouble!!! Thanks so much for all the care and support.

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            Great!!!! So glad, its all pulling together for you. Don’t make ANY commitments or plans (oh, I want to paint the living room/ remodel/ order new furniture) while on pain meds, fyi.

        2. Mimmy*

          I wouldn’t know if removing a chest tube is normally painful (or at least uncomfortable) but if it is, that is one amazing doctor you have there.

          So glad you are home and doing well. Here’s to good results later this week.

  21. greenthumb*

    Pokémon friends, what’s been your experience with the bad guys at the pokestops this week? So far I’m battling rattatae (sp?) and sekans (If that is the plural of ekans lol.). Would like to be catching bad guys with better IVs … and maybe power one up and park it at the nearby gym. People who frequent it have a sense of humor and try to park Pokémon there in a theme — colors, babies, shinies, and so forth. Weirdly, I’ve never seen anyone obviously visiting it, not even when there are tempting raids, but there are battle takedowns twice a day so people must be within range.

    Continued thanks for the cool post cards!! It’s fun to see them, especially during marathon weeks like this one snowballed into being. Also, is anyone up for the virtual battling in hopes of accumulating dust and other goodies?

    1. Shiny Swampert*

      I’ve only been out one day for it. Caught 6/6 but I believe I’ve been lucky there! Want to get out today and try to get some more. I’ve purified all mine straight away because although I know they are NOT ACTUALLY REAL the idea of a Pokémon being in pain is traumatic!!

      1. greenthumb*

        Oh noes, they’re in pain?! Yikes. Pardon me while I go boot up my phone and tend to the one rattata I was leaving unpurified.

        1. Shiny Swampert*

          Apparently!! Haha, I’m glad it’s not me that worries about creatures that don’t actually exist in the real world ;)

          1. Julia*

            I do, too! I can never reset and start my cartridge games over either. ^^;

            So far, I’ve caught like three Zubat and a few starters (maybe 12 Pokémon in total) and have yet to find a Snorlax or Dragonite (Dragonair?)

    2. Curly sue*

      I did alright on the zubats and starters, but the Snorlax-Dragonite-Crobat team kicked my butt eight times in a row. No joy. I’m going shadow- dratini hunting with my kid today, so fingers crossed!

      1. Cruciatus*

        Oh yeah, the Snorlax kicked my butt. I finally got to the 2nd Pokemon and one hit and I was dead. I truly wasn’t expecting the challenges to be *that* hard! And it’s a bummer you have to replenish your Pokemon at the end, unlike other battles. But for now I mostly just have a bunch of rattata and a raticate. Even the bulbasaur/ivysaur kicked my butt. I just needed to hit it one more time! But it got me first.

        It looks like something else is coming soon. The Pokemon Go Facebook page posted a black page with an R and 7/28 posted. I never followed Pokemon stuff so I have no idea what it means!

        1. Curly sue*

          There was a major Team Rocket live invasion event yesterday in NYC – the consensus on thesilphroad subreddit is that it’s something more global + Team Rocket launching tomorrow morning / at midnight EST (there’s a YouTube live stream with a countdown). Some folks are hoping that Rocket will become a team option, others are guessing global Team Rocket takeover hours, but no-one really knows.

          I’m hoping it’s be at least a 24-hour or 48-hour thing, whatever it is, because I’m on the road to visit Older Kid at sleep away camp visiting day tomorrow. :(

        2. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

          Team Rocket is batlling at pokestops. They are kicking my butt and I, sensibly, hate them.
          I love it though. The battling is cool, and it feels more like the original game than the plain gym battles.

          1. Cruciatus*

            No, I know, but that’s already happening. The Facebook page said R 7/28. So what is going to happen on 7/28? They’ll be at every pokestop? A lot of people commented something about “double the trouble” so another Team Rocket character or something? An evil twin? I never played the original games so I guess I’ll find out what’s happening tomorrow!

        1. greenthumb*

          Thanks for the tip! I’m hoping to see more interesting things than bats and rats lol.

          1. curly sue*

            I finally beat the Snorlax / Snorlax / Dragonite combo with Bite / Crunch Tyranitar, Meteor Mash Metagross, and Body Slam Slaking. It was rough, and I’m pretty sure I only won because the Snorlax didn’t have Lick as a fast move.

            1. greenthumb*

              Congrats!! How do you and others keep track of which mon have which moves? Change their names? Build teams? I guess I can get away from things like Dr151514 now that the appraise button finally gives more specific IV data.

    3. Lynn Whitehat*

      A lot of people cheat at Pokémon with GPS spoofers. :-( There are two gyms in my neighborhood where I would be able to see anyone else in range. I have fought in those gyms multiple times and been joined even though I can see no one else is in range.

      I have been enjoying the team go battles, but haven’t gotten anything good. The Pokémon I battle against her all the really easy ones like Squirtle.

    4. Julia*

      It’s past 4 pm here (in Tokyo) now and the entire game froze. I don’t understand why Niantic never plans for these times when everyone plays (like Community Days which also tend to have issues) and who thought just one hour of allocated time was a good idea?!

      1. greenthumb*

        Thanks. I had thought it was just “snake” and another S would need to go somewhere.

        1. Southern Metalsmith*

          Ekans probably is it’s own plural, but I like the thinking that came up with Sekans! Would that mean they evolve into multiple Sarbok?
          Also, I’d be up for pvp battling, but how would you schedule it with no in game communication?

          1. greenthumb*

            Indubitably!

            As for challenges, it seems that players who are online have a blue ring around their avatars. (Well maybe the rings are red or yellow for those in other guilds? But I’m in blue and the rings I see are blue.) Another AAM friend challenged me last week — cool to see — and of course my app locked up.

            Oh also we can only battle remotely with friends whose turf displays as green rather than black. So, erm, Ultra Friends or Best Friends, but sadly not Great Friends.

            1. Southern Metalsmith*

              I see! I wondered what that weird blue aura was. (And, yes, it’s blue for me, too, though I play as red.) (And I forgot to say, I play as Zeomom.)

              Well, once our friendship levels up, we can battle. I’ll look forward to it.

  22. frustrated and just want to relax for free*

    Sorry, if this turns into a long rant.

    TLDR: My boyfriend is mad that I won’t blow my budget on an end of summer trip I don’t have time for.

    My boyfriend (M25) and I (F24) have been living in different states (16 hours apart) all summer due to a summer job/internship I had a couple states away from where I go to medical school and we both live. We talked about going on a trip together some time in the 10 days between when I finish work and start school again. I was all for it and we seriously looked into it and started trying to plan but then I realized… I just can’t do it. It’s too much money. Our estimates for the place we wanted to go, including flying there (which we’d have to do in the time frame we have), things we wanted to do, etc. is way too much for me right now. We could cut down considerably on activities and not splurge on food and maybe make it work, but honestly the cost of the flights are expensive enough that it hardly seems worth it to me, especially if we can’t afford to do anything when we get there. The nature of my program is such that I will be virtually unable to work at all to make money for the next two years due to time commitments in clinical rotations, so I hesitate to drop roughly 20% of my spending money for the next two years on this (my room and board during school is covered by a complicated/unusual situation, so we’re just talking about spending money here).

    On top of that, I have to drive 16 hours home with all of my stuff and then move houses in CollegeTown before my classes start up again. I suggested having a little vacation in MediumCity which is half way between where I am now and CollegeTown, and also happens to be where my parents live. It wouldn’t require flights and we could stay in my parents house for free, or even splurge on a hotel for a night or two since we wouldn’t have the flights to battle. My boyfriend isn’t happy with this plan and says “money is for spending” and doesn’t seem to understand my desire to pace myself with my spending money since it’ll be a while until I can make more and to add to my savings account (for a down payment on a house some day, or an emergency) that I’ve been slowly building since I started working as a teenager, even though I am not making much money right now. I just want a few days to relax with him and enjoy each others company before the craziness of school starts again but he wants to go on a big crazy adventure.

    I’m disappointed that we can’t go on the trip too, but my boyfriend is really upset with me. I know this summer apart has been a lot harder on him than it has been for me, he graduated from college in the spring and has had no luck finding a job in his field (hasn’t even had an interview after months of searching), and found himself without many friends as all of his college friends have moved away. I’m conflicted because I feel like I want to make it up to him in some way but I also feel like he’s being immature and irresponsible and that being upset by the situation would be one thing but being mad at me for making a decision that (I think) is reasonable and wise considering my current financial situation is another thing entirely.

    1. Agnodike*

      Either you guys have a real disconnect about money management, or he’s upset about something else. It’s not uncommon for people who come from different financial backgrounds to have different orientations to money (“money is for spending” because there will always be more vs “save for a rainy day” because money is scarce), and some people are just spenders while others are savers. That’s something you can work out and compromise on, but you both have to be willing to see the validity of the other’s perspective and talk it through. It’s reasonable not to want to be deprived of stuff you enjoy if you have the means to get to it, and it’s also reasonable to want the security of having money in the bank.

      It’s also possible that money isn’t really the issue here and your boyfriend is feeling really sad and lonely. If he was looking forward to the vacation as a kind of bright spot to work toward during a difficult time, it’s understandable that he would be really upset if it’s not going to happen. The only way to find out is to talk about it, so you guys can figure out how to find a solution that respects both of your needs and feelings.

      1. SciDiver*

        This is spot on, and consider that it might be both. The job hunt is probably very isolating and he’d been looking forward to this, but if he’s unemployed he might also be wondering “why wait to go, it’s not like finances will be easier in the foreseeable future”. I definitely had those impulses during my job hunt–go see the sights, buy the things, live it up a bit! Until he gets a job, the next few years are pretty unpredictable at this point. For you, there’s a clear path through moving and clinical rotations and not working, and it makes perfect sense you don’t want to drop this much money right now. Talk to him about how all of this is making you both feel (frustrated, lonely, neglected, misunderstood), and don’t get sucked into the fight of who is right about how you spend your money.

      2. gecko*

        I think this is hugely good advice.

        I’ll also add that distinguishing between “upset at the situation”=ok and “mad at me for my good choices”=bad will be, I think, not helpful. Both because it’s ok for him to be upset at you even though you’re making the right choice, and because it’s probably limiting your ability to communicate about this in a loving and fair way.

    2. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I’m a bit a jerk about Vacations … the kind where it’s more important to Do The Things and Have The Photographs than to have an experience with someone (or yourself) where you’re getting out of your routine and thinking new thoughts to get refreshed and revived.
      E.g. Disney is sort of my hell.

      So if I were someone who is anticipating 2 years of restrictive budgeting so that my cranky and unemployed partner can acquire a specific vacation, i would be strongly considering whether I would even have that partner much longer… (and would be really pissed if I spent my savings on that trip!)

      But, as I say, I’m a bit of a jerk.

      Strongly consider that this is the sort of mismatch that will not magically resolve itself. Either the two of you can talk through the short and long term consequences of spending and come to decisions together, or you won’t… and that doesn’t bode well for later.

      Sometimes grownups just have to learn how to delay gratification… or that not getting Everything I Want And Therefore Deserve is actually not the end of the world.

    3. YetAnotherUsername*

      Has he been mad for a while or is this his initial reaction to disappointment? He’s clearly in the wrong if he’s been annoyed about this for a long time. But if you just got off the phone after telling him you can’t go on a vacation he’d been really excited about, then I Would suggest to give him time. Disappointment can make people act more annoyed in the short term.

    4. Llellayena*

      Yes, money is for spending (says the person planning a $7-10,000 Japan vacation) but your BF is missing the step where you PLAN for the spending so you don’t get stuck with NO money afterwards. I’d say to him “Vacationing to this location is not currently in my budget. I might be able to do this in *3 years (pick a reasonable time frame based on your rotations) but for right now what I can afford is X. Let’s pick something that fits within that budget.” It sounds like time is tight too so you might add a bit about picking a long weekend. I would probably compromise on location and pick some where that is NOT your parent’s house, that location kind of negates the privacy/intimacy part of the vacation that might be part of what he’s looking for. Can you do a city/area that’s a little outside your usual haunts (like visit Philadelphia if you’re coming from NYC or DC) so it feels special but isn’t a big spend?

      1. Dan*

        Side note: I travel all over the world, usually by myself. I live in one of the cities you listed in your last sentence, and the thing I’m looking forward to most this year is a trip a long weekend trip to another city in that list with an, ahem friend of mine.

      2. KR*

        Yeah I agree on not going to OPs parents house as a primary spot to crash. Unless boyfriend is very familiar and comfortable with her parents that sounds like less of a vacation and more like work. I’m sure there’s some sort of compromise you could do – can you do a staycation where you take a bunch of road trips and spend large amounts of time on dates and just enjoying each other’s company? It sounds like your boyfriend is less upset about not going on this big expensive thing and more feeling anxiety about the fact that he misses you and wants to spend time with you.

    5. Jane*

      Well, he’ll just have to be upset then, won’t he?

      Definitely don’t spend that much money on something you’re not feeling 100% and that would cause you stress.

      Your boyfriend is allowed to be mad at you. You are allowed to feel bad about making him mad and disappointing him. But these are just feelings, and they’ll pass. They aren’t good reasons to blow your savings when you know that is an unwise thing to do (and I agree it is very unwise).

      Acknowledge his feelings, but let him know your decision is final. Maybe he’ll come around to the less fancy trip once he really is sure the big adventure is off the table, or maybe he won’t and you can go have a relaxing solo trip with your parents.

    6. HannahS*

      I think he was really looking forward to this trip. It sounds like he’s been having a hard time, and I wonder if he’s sort of pinned his hopes on this trip–like, used it as a tool to comfort himself, “Well, I’m lonely and unemployed, but at least I have this trip to look forward to!” And then you’re (heavy air quotes) “taking it away from him.”

      HOWEVER I’m a fellow medical student and I think you’re 100% making the right decision, and offered him a reasonable compromise. He’s not wrong to feel upset and disappointed, but he shouldn’t take it out on you. I think this is going to be an exercise in talking through conflict, you know? Or it’s also possible that he has a differen’t understanding of the financial situation of doctors, and you need to have a big-picture conversation about money. Yes, there’s a lot of wealth and stability, but not when you’re in your 20s and early 30s!

    7. Stitch*

      Could you try a compromise vacation? Like a few days somewhere closer?

      Money may be for spending but don’t underestimate having a pad. When something bad happens having the ability to pay for the best option is HUGE. Like if your tire punctured or your cat gets sick or so on. I take a lot of vacations now I am out of school, but back in school I was very frugal.

    8. Christmas*

      “Frustrated”: It sounds like you are thinking very clearly, not only about short term goals and funding a compromise, but also long-term goals regarding financial stability and affording necessities.
      On the flip, it sounds like he’s got tunnel vision on one thing: “I want that summer trip I’ve been looking forward to!”
      What is (supposed to be) important is that you guys have time to spend together since you’ve been apart so much. Yes it sucks to realize that Big Summer Trip is not feasible, but you’re clearly trying to make something happen.
      Unless he’s typically insensitive or pushy or unreasonable, perhaps this is a side effect of being upset due to his job situation, as others have suggested. He may have been struggling even more than you know, or even more than HE knows; it’s possible that the big summer trip became a Huge Star on the Horizon that he’s been looking forward to to keep him afloat, and now is wigging out that he doesn’t have that. Hopefully you can discuss and resolve this together with some much-needed quality time. (Sorry if some of this is scatterbrained; it’s hard to type on my phone.)

    9. MissGirl*

      I 100% agree with your decision not to spend so much money on the trip with your situation. However, your compromise is not a good one. Let’s cancel our amazing trip and stay with my parents sounds absolutely miserable for him when he wanted a trip with his love. Keep trying to find an in-between where you don’t spend as much money but you do spend some and you both have a nice time.

      1. Frustrated*

        I should have mentioned – my parents will be on their own vacation so we’d have the house to ourselves. It wouldn’t be “let’s visit my parents”, it would be “let’s stay in my parents’ city for free”. I’d also be more than happy to stay in a hotel or Airbnb in that city if he’d rather since we’d have cut out the flight. Unfortunately there really isn’t another reasonably big city within easy driving distance and he’s a big city kind of guy.

        1. Llellayena*

          That’s a little different though I can still see the “not really a vacation” side of it. I’m not sure what budget you have but you can get a good “away” vacation by checking where Southwest (or similar cheap airline if you’re not in the US) is having cheap flight deals. You might not have as much choice in which city, but you might be able to get flights within your budget.

          It is also valid to say your budget only lets me use your parent’s house as a vacation base, being a vacationer in a familiar city can be fun too!

          1. Llellayena*

            Hmm, I was changing “me” to “you” so I could avoid quotes and I seem to have missed one…no I do not intend for me to stay at your parent’s house…

    10. Not A Manager*

      “I know this summer apart has been a lot harder on him than it has been for me, he graduated from college in the spring and has had no luck finding a job in his field (hasn’t even had an interview after months of searching), and found himself without many friends as all of his college friends have moved away.”

      This is a really good time for both of you to think about what you want from the relationship and where it’s heading. If your bf can’t self-sooth now, and can’t separate his own life situation from his desire for a vacation, and thinks the solution for his precarious financial/emotional troubles is to place YOU in financial and emotional danger… then he’s not going to get better in the future, when time and money are tighter and you’re on an upward path and maybe he’s not.

      “I’m conflicted because I feel like I want to make it up to him.”

      Resist this urge. He’s testing you to see if you Love Him more than you care about your own financial and emotional safety. This isn’t about the vacation – that’s not what would make it up to him – it’s about YOU being willing to sacrifice yourself for him. Don’t do it.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Yes, please listen to this excellent advice.

        You don’t have to “make anything up to” him, because you are not doing anything wrong. Y’all HOPED and DISCUSSED going on a trip, but when it got to the specific planning stage, it turned out to not be feasible.

        You didn’t break a promise. You moved an idea from a wish to a plan. This is the stuff of life, and the stuff of long-term relationships. Most of life is figuring out how to make the best of limited time, energy, space, and money. And figuring out how to balance short-term enjoyment with long-term needs.

        It’s one thing for him to have some feelings about this. He’s entitled. But his feelings are not your problem to fix, and he needs to rapidly get over acting “mad” at you for taking care of yourself and your future.

        You didn’t ask for Old Auntie advice, but I’m going to throw it out there anyhow. If he were LTR/marriage “material”, he’d be the one making an effort to take good care of you and your future. Not getting mad at you for prioritizing it. And he wouldn’t be sitting around unemployed expecting you to drop large sums of cash you don’t have so he can have fun while you are exhausted and stressed-out. *SMH*

      2. Dan*

        This is more tactful than I would have written.

        While this may not *quite* be reason enough to break up with him, it definitely goes on the scoreboard, so to speak.

        OP needs a conversation with her BF, and depending on how *that* goes, it’s time for the breakup talk. There’s too much “big picture” stuff going on here to just slide under the rug and how it goes away with time. The stuff at play here won’t just go away. It’ll simmer on the back burner and really boil over at some point if the pot is not tended to carefully.

        1. Quandong*

          I agree with the other posters here. You have the right to determine your level of comfort with spending your money, knowing what’s coming up in the next two years. You also have the right to decide how much energy, time, and effort to spend in your limited vacation during an incredibly taxing training period.

          When your priorities don’t line up with those of your bf, he doesn’t have the right to overrule your wishes even though he has feelings of disappointment. You aren’t doing anything wrong at all. Trust yourself, you know what you can and can’t afford in relation to money and energy.

          The way your bf responds to you setting this very understandable limit on your spending, and the need to change plans, will tell you a lot about him. In my relationships, money and each person’s approach to spending it, and taking risks with it, was a huge factor in whether things worked out or not.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Agreeing hard here.
        This is “We have no money so let’s blow the little we have and make the world go away at least for ten days.”

        The hard reality here is part of caring about him and caring about your relationship requires an eye on the future. And the same rule holds for him. Putting all the eggs in one basket is not a good plan.

        Money decisions based on emotions is a whole huge topic. Advertisers tug at our emotions all. the. time. Hey, if you can’t use logic what is next? Emotions! I have used this to help myself with spending decisions, yes, the puppy is cute and I adore it, (emotion) but I already have a dog at home. I am no position to take on a second dog (logic). Emotions vs. Logic.

        Keep looking at the logic behind your spending, this will save you so much hassle in the long run.

    11. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      He’s the one who thinks it’s reasonable to spend that much money on a vacation–is he willing to pay for your expenses as well as his own? Or would that question lead him to recognize that the total expense of the proposed vacation is too much?

      “Money is for spending” may sometimes be valid, but watch out for “Your money is for spending [on my priorities].”

      2. Not So NewReader*

        “Money is for spending”
        Rebuttal:
        “I agree. I would like to have some left TO spend over the next couple years.”

    12. MindOverMoneyChick*

      “Money is for spending.” AHHHHH! Arg! sputter sputter. NO! I’m mean yes, of course, but it’s not just for spending right now because you happen to have it. If my clients were of your mind set in their 20s they would be so much happier and secure in their 30s and 40s. Money is actually for a balance of 4 different things:
      1. Present Security: control over day-to-day, month-to-month finances
      2. Future Security: the capacity to absorb a financial shock (which WILL happen to everyone at some point)
      3. Present Freedom of Choice: the financial freedom to make choices to enjoy life (this is where your boyfriend is and it’s legit, it’s just not the whole story)
      4. Future Freedom of Choice: being on track to meet financial goals so you have choices to enjoy life in the future. This is the one most people don’t think about enough. Planning to the future isn’t about doing a boring adulting tasks. It’s giving your future self the gift of fun with money!

      And I do sympathize with your boyfriend, I work with a lot of people who have been through that mindset, they are great people and I love working with them. Interestingly after working with me lving with a budget that includes saving for the future they often and tell me they are much happier and more fulfilled then they were when they were spending everything they had)

      I just hate to see people use those kids of lines to undermine someone who is keeping the big picture in mind. You’ve got this! Your future will be happier and more satisfying for it.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, that right there would have me riding the nopetupus out of that relationship. I mean, yeah, maybe one talk of “no, money only gets spent on non-necessities when there’s lots of money to spend, I need to know you’re on the same page here,” but other than that, an inability to live within one’s means is a huge dealbreaker for me.

        Also a general “I need you to fix my problems or I’m mad at you” doesn’t bode well. He doesn’t have money and instead of finding some sort of cheap vacation or even going himself on his own dime, his solution is “get partner to go over-budget or demand s/he find a substitute vacation and sulk about it.”

        Yikes.

        1. Alexandra Lynch*

          This has some uncomfortable overtones for me. Do not be in a relationship with someone who blames his problems on you and who cannot handle money and delaying gratification. It will only end miserably.

          Don’t be with someone who isn’t going to be able to plan things in an adult way. What happens down the line when plans have to be changed because you’re on call that weekend after all, or when you have kids? I know what happens. It’s not fun. I was married to that, and I hung on longer than I should trying to fix what wasn’t mine to fix.

    13. Paris- Berlin -Seoul Express*

      So wait, if he’s unemployed how is he paying for this trip? Frankly, if I were in your shoes, I would probably have to rethink this relationship. He’s willing to put you into financial peril so that he can do something that he wants to do and is not willing to entertain a compromise for your sake. Nope, nope, just no. He’s selfish and immature.

      1. Dan*

        I think she needs to have “the talk” first (and I fully agree with her BTW, and this is definitely breakup territory) but if I were in his shoes, and she dumped me without a conversation, I’d be like WTF, dodged a bullet for sure. But I’m not suggesting an ultimatum, either — just a really frank “where do things really stand”. It’s one thing if he’s just at a bad time in his life and handled it poorly (we all have ’em, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be judged based on my worst moments) but if this is who he “really” is, then peace out.

    14. ..Kat..*

      Stick to your guns. And, let him soothe himself. He can also go on vacation by himself or with friends.

    15. Sparrow*

      I’m also a medical student who tends to stress about money, so I empathize with your problem. I think the other commenters have covered the financial piece well. But I think this part of your question is telling: “I just want a few days to relax with him and enjoy each others company before the craziness of school starts again but he wants to go on a big crazy adventure.” There’s so little time for true rest and joy in medical school, so you should make it count when you have it. If that means spending some money, so be it, but definitely don’t spend your precious 10 days doing something you won’t fully enjoy. I’ve taken some lovely trips that were worth every penny, but it sounds like this one is not right for you now, and I hope your boyfriend can hear you out. He should work with you to find a compromise trip that lowers your stress, not increases it. If he refuses or pouts or guilts you into something you don’t want, that is telling.

  23. EmbarrassedEquestrian*

    I had no idea G***y was considered a slur until someone here mentioned it in the comments of one of this week’s AAM posts and then I googled it.
    G***y is a fairly common name for horses. It is one of my horses’ names (didn’t change it when I bought her four years ago) and I refer to her by name all the time. It had never even occurred to me that that word is used negatively (heck, it’s the name of a Gilmore Girls character!). Now I think I maybe should change her name.
    Anyone else genuinely not know something they said or did routinely was offensive? #mortified

      1. LDN Layabout*

        Slur for those of Roma extraction or travellers, although when used in an equestrian setting, I’ve always seen it spelled with a i instead of a y.

        2. EmbarrassedEquestrian*

          I’ve never noticed the name spelled with an i at any horse shows or anything. There are two horses at my stable with this name (one mine) and both are spelled with a y.

          1. Villanelle*

            Isn’t it bad luck to change a horses name though?
            I am sure your horses name is fine in the context that it’s a horses name rather than a slur.

            1. EmbarrassedEquestrian*

              I would probably just call her something else as a nickname. I can’t formally change her name since she’s registered with her breed’s association and they won’t do it for horses with a showing record.
              I am not sure if it’s really fine even in this context where it’s currently a normal thing.

            1. fposte*

              It may have been changing to the y there too more recently (and the i may be persisting longer in the dominions), but dictionary dot com still lists the spelling as “esp. British” and that would jibe with my experience.

              1. Bagpuss*

                It’s normally spelled with a ‘y’ in British English and that isn’t a modern thing. It’s been spelled that way in British English since around 1600, it came from ‘Egyptian’ as Roma were assumed to come from Egypt.
                (I would say that the spelling with an i is unusual but not wholly unknown)

                1. fposte*

                  That’s not how national orthography has worked, though.

                  Checking the OED: in the 16th c., Cromwell with an i, Spenser with an i
                  17th c: Shakespeare and Milton used an i

                  Some used a y, too, because orthography has been pretty fluid–Borrow, who was one of the most notable early chroniclers of the group, used a y. But there’s no historical dominance of the y. OED says: “From the quotations collected for the dictionary, the prevalent spelling of late years appears to have been gipsy.” (I’m not sure what they mean by “late years” there as I agree that there’s been more regularization of the y globally recently.)

                2. fposte*

                  FWIW, I definitely was wrong in stating that it was a simple each-country-does-a-different-vowel situation; it sounds like the y has really become dominant in the UK recently as well.

                3. Asta*

                  Do you live in the UK fposte ? Because I have to tell you in my experience it’s never been common to spell it with anything other than a y here in my experience.

                4. fposte*

                  @Asta–I did for a bit, but I forgot that 1) it was a long time ago and 2) I’m basing this on a lot of historical and not contemporary reading. So it was a bit foolish of me to make a claim about contemporary usage!

              2. Shiny Swampert*

                When I look it up (in the UK)I see the I spelling listed as an alternative but everywhere has the y spelling as primary and as I say, I don’t remember seeing the I spelling, well, ever. I don’t think I even knew it was an alternative until just now.

                Now abandoning this as it’s totally off topic :) (although interesting!)

                1. fposte*

                  Yeah, as I said I was wrong in my initial “i in the UK statement,” but the rabbit hole did get very intriguing!

        4. Clisby*

          Not necessarily. My husband’s family is from Hungary, including some Roma. They have no problem with “gypsy.” Using the word “gyp” or “gypped” is definitey a slur.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I can’t even think of what word this is unless it’s short for Gabrielle. Which might mean gossipy as a slur? I dunno.

    3. Marion Q*

      The word in my native language for people of African descent/from Africa is ‘n***o’, so…

      Fwiw, we have so little exposure/contact with the aforementioned group, and neither the official dictionary nor the daily usage (which is very rare – I think I can count in two hands the number of times I’ve heard the word, which just shows how little exposure we get) indicate that the word is meant offensively.

      1. ThatGirl*

        As I’m sure you know, “negro” is Spanish for the color black as well, it’s not offensive in that context.

    4. Christmas*

      I had a manager a few years ago named Gypsy Rose [Surname]. Everyone always remarked that it was a lovely name.
      Other than that, I’ve never had an instance to use that word so I don’t know, but I think context makes a difference, so naming horse is probably okay (at least not egregious enough to warrant changing.) The bigger issue has been that many people still use the term “G***ed” to refer to get cheated or scammed out of something, which attributes negative and shady characteristics to the Roma.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Gypsy Rose Lee was a famous burlesque entertainer. The musical “Gypsy” is about her.

        It’s an odd choice to name one’s daughter, but given that it is a real person’s name (who apparently also has namesakes) I don’t see how you could banish it from the language entirely.

        I suppose it’s somewhat like “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” Calling someone “an Uncle Tom” is very offensive. But it’s also a book, and a character, and you know – people do have uncles named Tom.

        1. Clisby*

          What’s also strange is that what’s I’ve usually seen referred to as “Uncle Tom” behavior has nothing to do with the character Uncle Tom in “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” After all, Uncle Tom (in the novel) died because he refused to say where two slaves were hiding, which meant they escaped.

      2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        Gypsy Rose is also the name of the girl who had her boyfriend kill her mom a few years ago.

    5. fposte*

      In answer to the last question, yes, all the time. That’s just an uncomfortable part of life and growth.

      The disapprobation of the term has hit a bit of a tipping point recently, I think. It’s also complicated in that it’s not universally derided by the people to whom it applies (and I don’t mean like the n-word stuff), and most of the people deriding the use aren’t in the group.

      However: I think there’s something to be said for letting go of the practice of using ethnic group terms, especially oppressed groups, as picturesque adjectives; it’s been a long tradition and people only seem to grasp it term by term (all the turn of the century British stuff using terms for black people as animal names is really shocking to modern eyes) rather than letting go of the whole practice. At this point yeah, I probably would change up her barn name; she’s not going to care and you will be able to enjoy her name without guilt.

      1. Christmas*

        I think there’s something to be said for letting go of the practice of using ethnic group terms, especially oppressed groups, as picturesque adjectives…

        Well-said and a good point.

      3. Arjay*

        I ran out of nesting replies above, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how Cromwell, Spenser, or Shakespeare spelled their names with an i. :-)

    6. OhBehave*

      I never thought of it in negative terms. Though in thinking about it, TV, etc. tend to portray them negatively.
      We recently had a new bistro announce their name/opening date on a local restaurant page. Gy#@# was in the name. A new councilperson commented quite negatively on this post with threats to boycott unless they change the name. The bistro is in her ward! Instead of contacting the owners personally she chose to handle via this third party. Ugh. The owners were horrified to learn the term was offensive. They promised a name change and they did a week later.

    7. Lucette Kensack*

      I actually hadn’t realized it was itself a slur, although I vividly remembering using “g***ed” in college (in the 90s!) and learning that that use was a slur.

      There’s a breed of horse that includes that word. I wonder if we’ll see that breed name evolve.

      I think I probably would start using a different nickname for her (but probably wouldn’t bother changing her registration, unless her registered name is used frequently). Maybe a nonsense word that rhymes, or just ends with the “see” sound?

    8. xxx9*

      To be fair, people still use is wildly, esp in the US where the presence of that group is pretty low-key and there isn’t a lot of education of that ethnic group. I think there was a TLC show with it in the title.

      I didn’t realize how offensive it was until I came across an article written by a Romani woman. I was mortified as well since ‘gyp’ (as in to swindle) was also a part of my vocabulary – I don’t need to say it at all. The noun usually a synonym for ‘free-spirited’ (if you must be fanciful, bohemian will also work) and the verb, there are loads of words for that (hat’s off to ‘bamboozle’).

      1. Pippa*

        Language is a funny thing. ‘Bohemian’ has exactly some of the same characteristics as the word it would replace – it refers to a group of people and their attributed social characteristics (and place of origin). Of course it doesn’t carry the baggage of a slur (except that I think it’s a literal synonym for ‘gypsy’ in French, so maybe it has that connotation too? Maybe a French speaker could clarify.) But ‘bohemian’ became associated with unconventional artists, rather than ethnicity, so unless there’s a sudden rise in discrimination against people from a certain part of the Czech Republic, it does make a good substitute for some uses.

    9. Fellow Traveler*

      To that matter- what about if a term is offensive to one culture and affectionate to another? I was lately made aware that I shouldn’t use the term “monkey” anymore (I feel weird even just writing it here). But it is also widely used as a term of affection especially used in reference to little children in my culture. So now I’m not sure if I should discourage my family from using it or if I should just let it go.

      1. fposte*

        I think you avoid it in the region where it’s offensive; it’s code-switching same as asking for the lift in the UK and the elevator in the US. BTW, if we’re talking the US, you can say the word “monkey” (like “we went to the zoo and saw the monkeys” is fine)–it’s just that using it for people has some really bad history that you don’t want to evoke when you’re trying to be affectionate.

        (Is this about the Danny Baker thing, by any chance?)

        1. Fellow Traveler*

          That’s a useful way to think of it. It wasn’t brought up by the Danny Baker thing, but rather it happened at work where a visiting guest called a bunch of children “little monkeys” in an affectionate/ joking way and there was a complaint brought against her. (The children were of all different races; the person who brought the complaint was African American) Of course the visitor was horrified because she didn’t realize. Now at work we’ve been told that it’s not ok to say- which is probably safest and totally doable. It just made me wonder how to be sensitive about it in my personal life when it is a word quite frequently used and also it is in a lot of songs and stories for kids.

          1. fposte*

            This is a discussion in youth lit right now as well. There’s definitely a history in literature, including picture books, as in the wider culture of using monkey imagery to depict African Americans as subhuman, and there are activists who see this as a widespread problem with monkey figures. No easy solution.

            1. Clisby*

              Yes, this. I called my (white) children monkeys plenty of times, and I’ve known plenty of other white people who did the same. To us, it’s just affectionate. I would never in a million years use that term to refer to black children.

              1. Lilysparrow*

                Indeed. Just like I might refer to a teenage/young adult white male as a boy. Especially in a sympathetic context, like a soldier who got killed – “that poor boy.”

                I try to be very careful to refer to young black men as “young men.” The word “boy” has all kinds of bad precedent around here.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, where I am now, “cheeky monkeys” is the name of a nursery near my apartment. Me, I’m like “ooooh, we do NOT use that word for kids,” …but when you think about it, kids *are* basically little monkeys, and it turns out that for lots of people “monkey” is basically used like “kiddo” when addressing small kids in the family.

        So… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I’m American. I’ve referred to children as monkeys, meaning that they are mischievous and busy getting into things. I would never in a million years have thought it was a racist term. Is it?

        1. Lora*

          When referring to people of color, yes, that would be definitely offensive. For centuries racists compared people of African heritage to monkeys and spread propaganda about “missing links” and crap. See also “golliwog”. It’s about dehumanizing people, in this case grown adult people not children.

          1. fposte*

            Yes. This is a frustrating one, because, as FT notes, there’s been a separate convention of referring to kids that way (and they’re little bouncy primates, so it’s kind of logical). But I’ve pretty much dropped it just to break the habit, because there are so many people for whom the bad associations are prominent. I also think this is a term that’s gotten more attention in the last few years. The first I even learned about the history was in 2006 with George Allen’s presidential campaign, and I’ve seen more attention subsequently. Maybe also there’s more racist use of the term these days, what with people wanting to get away with racism without getting into trouble.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            I never have, only my own (white) relatives. Obviously if someone is calling an adult POC a monkey or ape that’s clearly racist, but I never realized that affectionately calling my nephews little monkeys when they were running around acting crazy could be construed as racist.

      4. Jaid*

        The Asian American Rock group The Slants just won the Supreme Court case to trademark that name for their band. Previously, the trademark office rejected the name “deemed offensive or disparaging to others”.

        “The majority opinion stated, in part, that “[w]hatever our personal feelings about the mark at issue here, or other disparaging marks, the First Amendment forbids government regulators to deny registration because they find speech likely to offend others.”[9] The band’s frontman Simon Tam explained that while the First Amendment should protect the band’s right to use the name regardless of their reasons, they had chosen the name in order “to undercut slurs about Asian-Americans that band members heard in childhood, not to promote them.”

        Something to think about.

    10. Not Alison*

      You know there is a horse breed called a gypsy vanner, right? Are you thinking that the horse people need to change the name of the breed? I agree that one shouldn’t be using slurs, but feeling like you need to change your horse’s name seems a bit much.

      1. EmbarrassedEquestrian*

        Not sure why you have such a nasty tone. Yes, as one of the “horse people,” I have heard of the breed. As someone who knows how to google, I can see that the breeders have taken heat for the name.

    11. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      On a related note, does anyone have any good suggestions for how check words or concepts for unintended connotations? I’m mostly thinking less about slurs (although that’s certainly something I can screw up too – it’s just that dictionaries will often point out if a word is a slur so I have some existing ways to check those) and more about, say, alternate meanings of emojis and words that have taken on coded meanings in some contexts.

      I mean, I wouldn’t want to start a new band called the Llamatastic Teapots (not actual issue, obviously) just to learn that one or both of those words would be sending a message about a controversial stance on some issue that I wasn’t even aware of and now a bunch of people wouldn’t book my band and another bunch of people would make unhelpful assumptions. (Some of these coded word usages can get really specific to a subgroup, too. I’m thinking of how “puppies” has a certain connotation within Worldcon-adjacent fandom now here.)

    12. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well, it’s a pretty recent thing – people sorta just decided in the last few years they didn’t like the word – so I wouldn’t beat myself up over just having figured it out. But you know what? The older I get, the more I realize this is just a part of life. Every couple of years another word pops up that people are like “uh, you know… in context, isn’t that a little messed up?” Generally nowadays I just shrug and go “kay, guess we don’t use that now.”

      I mean, remember when people used to say “arguing online is like competing in the special olympics?” And then people were like “actually don’t use the mentally disabled as a punchline for things,” and we all had to switch back to “don’t mudwrestle a pig” (which in reality seems both dangerous to a human and annoying to the pig, therefore not that good an expression for the concept)? Them’s just the breaks. Words change, meanings change, slang changes, and some words fall out of favor. Just mentally file it and go about your day.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I thought he looked like he was about to host an episode of Masterpiece Theater – make that Meowsterpiece Theater.

  25. CoffeeforLife*

    Home Reno and Design questions:

    We have mostly completed painting our downstairs and it’s all the same color -SW Agreeable Grey. I have two fears- all the same and it looks blah _and_ it not being cohesive/consistent if we vary colors. Should I vary the colors in the upstairs or just make it all the same?

    I was all set to paint my interior doors black and change out the hardware to oil rubbed bronze. Bought everything but haven’t done it. Should I? Is it too dark?

    I get frozen by these little details because it’s really *just* paint! I don’t have anyone to ask here (my partner just says, go with what you want, I’ll love it, grrrr)

    1. Asenath*

      I’m an avid watcher of reno shows – and do nothing in that way in real life. Last time I moved into a place and had the option of having it painted, I had everything painted white, on the theory that I could add colour with pictures, furniture etc, and it would brighten up a darkish space. And I lived with it happily enough (I mean, I had other problems, with the place, but not ones due to the colour). When I moved to the new place, it had obviously been painted with colours someone who knew what she was doing chose. It’s mostly shades of a very pale sage green, with white trim and ceilings, and slightly different colours in the other rooms (most of it is one large living/dining/kitchen area). I like it a lot, even more than all white.

      So, do what you like – but I think I’d like other rooms in slightly different, but related colours. I would have no problem with all the main floor being one colour; you can brighten it up with accessories. I can’t really comment on the black doors since I don’t know how dark your space is! It would look great if there’s enough light.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        The space is bright for most of the day, I was just worried about the doors looking like black holes. The house was all pea/mint/forest green and poorly painted (you could see the original beige peeking through) so I needed a fresh start.

    2. Ranon*

      Agreeable Grey is a really neutral color – whether it’s too neutral really depends on your tastes! Maybe it’s a great canvas for your art/ furnishings/ etc, maybe you do want more color in your house.

      If you want a really dark door with I would go with Black Fox rather than true black to go with oil rubbed bronze hardware, a true black is going to make the hardware look really brown and also make the agreeable gray look more brown, I think, where black Fox has some warm undertones so should keep the overall warm neutral look going.

    3. SpellingBee*

      Well, I can’t accuse you of being blah, because our entire house is painted SW Accessible Beige! It was that way when we bought it, and I actually find that I really like it. Artwork (which we have a lot of) shows beautifully against it and it’s very restful. I’ve always defaulted to using the same color, or a tone on either side, throughout a house, but you certainly don’t have to do that. I’d recommend, though, carrying the same color up the stairwell and into any upstairs hallway, then using a different color if you like inside the upstairs room(s).

      As far as the black doors go, would it be just the doors or were you planning to paint all the trim black as well? I personally wouldn’t do it all because it would be too dark *for me.* I love the look of crisp white woodwork against a neutral wall color, and think it makes both look fresher. If it’s just the doors and there aren’t very many of them it could look very sharp, but it will look darker of course, especially in an interior hallway for example. However, I’ve seen black French doors set into white woodwork and it’s absolutely stunning, but there’s lots of light to offset the dark color so it doesn’t look so monolithic.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I liked accessible beige too! I have painted all of the trim bright white so it would just be the doors themselves. I want it to look clean and put together – if that makes sense.

        1. SpellingBee*

          It makes total sense. I absolutely love the exterior color combination of grey or taupe house with white trim and black window/door accents, and doing the same thing inside could be very effective. If I were doing this I might try covering one of the doors with black craft paper or painted cardboard to see if I liked the general look before I went to the work of painting them all, but I’m kind of a cautious type! By the way, the watermelon pink filing cabinet sounds awesome, and so much fun.

    4. Llellayena*

      Like you said, it’s just paint. If you paint the doors and don’t like it, it’s not too difficult to repaint them (but it sounds awesome!). If the rooms bleed into each other it makes sense to keep the colors the same or only do a complimentary accent wall. However, in separated rooms you’re free to have fun with the rainbow! Experiment with different colors, once again if you don’t like it, one room is not too much to repaint. Good luck!

      1. Reba*

        Yes, I say try a color! Start with one room, or heck one wall! YOLO etc. etc.

        Although gray is a nice neutral backdrop for art and furniture, sometimes it’s actually a color that’s going to make your decorations really sing.

      2. CoffeeforLife*

        I’m starting a rainbow theme for my office so I should start with color in there! I spray painted a huge filing cabinet in watermelon pink and it looks gorgeous. So it has to be a color that works with that. Thanks for the push!

    5. Kathenus*

      I bought a house that was completely painted in a neutral gray – fine, but not really my favorite. But, all new paint throughout, so I couldn’t really see changing it. So then I started thinking about maybe some accent color walls upstairs and instead landed on wall murals on one wall in two different rooms – both nature themed. So now in two rooms there is a whole wall that is a beautiful nature scene. Just another idea to consider. Just google wall murals. There were two types when I did it – sticky or cling. The sticky were more like wallpaper – put them on once and get it right, or for a little more money the cling which could be removed and readjusted as needed – I highly recommend getting the cling styles. After waiting far too long waiting to get a contractor to put these up (thinking more like wallpapering-skill type person needed) I found I was able to do them myself.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I would really like a bold botanical in our powder room. The space is large and bright enough to carry it. Thanks for the cling film mural suggestion!

    6. fposte*

      I’m astonished at having a whole house painted the same color. To me part of the point of having different rooms is the ability to bring different colors into them. I think houses are cohesive enough by being one building.

      To be fair, if you haven’t put in all the decor stuff it may be too early to call it blah (though really, “Agreeable” is a paint name that suggests damning with faint praise to me. “What do you think of this color?” “It’s, um, agreeable”). But I vote for painting the upstairs something that pleases you more.

      1. Auntie Social*

        I agree. I think a blue-gray is a lot more liveable than just plain gray. To me, gray is hard to live with and is more a commercial color than a residential one. What colors do you like or have in your MBR comforter?

      2. Double A*

        I’d generally agree, but we have a lot of reddish wood in our house and a very, ummm, busy decorating style, and also a kind of open flow, so a warm white is really the only thing that looks good (I spent FORVER trying to pick an accent color for one of the bedrooms and finally gave up and just did the white because the wood really limits what colors work). But I’ve painted our bathrooms really bold colors, and I’m planning to paint our stairway a rich blue color so it’s like you’re going through an underwater tunnel when you go upstairs. But that’s what makes sense for our house and our aesthetic, it’s kind of hard to give decorating advice without seeing a place! And I personally am not into grey, so it’s hard to give tips about something that’s not your style.

        1. fposte*

          I can totally see houses where it would make sense to do it; I like a lot of the Scandinavian all-white-with-lots-of-big-art interiors myself. But it sounded like Coffee was thinking of the same color as a general rule and not just a style choice that she could be absolutely free to make differently, so I was demurring on that. (I love the idea of your stairway, BTW.)

      3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        My house is too small to look good with multiple colors, really, but I have toyed with the idea of accent walls. When we first bought the place it had two rooms in clashing, garish colors and it was so much better after I painted them! But I miscalculated and got too much paint so I still have an entire unopened can of it. I plan to repaint where I didn’t do a very good job the first time.

        I painted the interior doors bright white with black hardware, and I think it looks pretty good with the slightly beige walls and wood floors. I have a lot of miscellaneous art in black frames which I think helps tie everything together.

    7. Madge*

      We painted our previous house all in Brazil Nut, a warm beige, and I really liked to have everything one color. All my furnishings could work in any room, so I could move things around when I needed a change.

      The archives of the Manhattan Nest blog has a great example of how black doors look with light walls. I think you’ll have to go a few years back to find it. I think it looks really nice. And I remember a home blog years ago where they used two close colors throughout the house, like a light greige and a darker shade, and some rooms were solid in one of the two colors and one room had alternating stripes.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I am biased. I am not a fan of dark doors. My suggestion is try it on one door that is in a high use area so you pass by it regularly. This way you can get a feel for how you like it.

      I had a door in my house painted a dark green. All I could feel was a sense of foreboding. I did not want to open that door as time passed, I was not even keen on being in that room that had the door. The room was my kitchen, whoops.

      I can be a bit of a safety freak, so one thing I question is how easy is it to find a dark door in case of fire.

      Going in a totally different direction, I read that dark colors on/in houses make them feel smaller. Light colors make them feel bigger. From working on my house here, I see that most of the stuff is an illusion, we use paint and we use lighting to add an atmosphere or mood to our homes. It’s all an illusion. What type of atmosphere are you aiming for?

    9. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      I take your point that it’s ‘just paint’ but on the other hand painting or getting painters in is a lot of work! That’s the biggest reason I obsessed when DH and I moved into current house. We settled on a compromise that I still love which was to paint the downstairs, stairway, and upstairs hall all one colour and the upstairs rooms a different but complementary colour. 4 years later and I still love it! The hardest part was finding the perfect colour and shade that would work in the warm south-facing rooms and the cool north-facing rooms equally well.
      Best of luck! I’m sure it will be gorgeous.

    10. The New Wanderer*

      I pushed for different colors for most rooms (some rooms have 2 shades of the same color), because I was sick of absolutely everything being Builder’s White. I love it, but we have about 15 different cans of paint that have to be well labeled for any touchups and that drives my husband nuts. I do most of the painting though, so I won that debate. However, it caught up to me when I tried to use one of the existing colors to redo some of the hallway. Somehow the finishes didn’t match the existing paint, so I bought more of what I thought was the same original color and that didn’t match either. I repainted the entire hallway four times before it looks right. So… there’s maintenance to consider.

      1. SpellingBee*

        The color of paint on the wall changes over time, so touch-ups can be tricky (ask me how I know!). Also paint sitting in the can will lose moisture, although very slowly, so over the years it becomes more concentrated and could look darker than it did originally when applied to the wall. I’d bet the problem was that the wall color had faded ever so slightly over time, not enough so you’d notice it without prompting, but enough so that it was different from the original.

    11. Bagpuss*

      Can you use an app to get an idea? I know herwe (In the UK ) several of the big paint companies have apps which let you overlay paint colours on photos of you hom, to get an idea of howi may look in practice. Althoguh they are designed for seeing what the walls will look for you can use them to colour any area so could use it to ‘colour’ the doors and see how it makes the room look.

      When I was doing it (about 4 years ago now) they worked surprisingly well escept for the room where I had inherited very boldly striped wall paper (I think the lines confused it as to where the walls ended, so it would only colour in one stripe’s worth at a time)

      I don’t think there is anything wrong wioth having the same colour through the whol house if you want it, however I would cosdier how much light the different rooms get – you might want a paler shade in any areas like coridors or stairs where you don’t have (as much) natural light, for instnace.

    12. Alexandra Lynch*

      We have our house done in Sands of Time and Sand Dollar, which are warm tans/sand colors that are pretty near to each other on the color wheel but aren’t identical. So the downstairs main open area is Sands of Time, as are the bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs, but the upstairs open library area is Sand Dollar, my sewing room is Sand Dollar, and the stair hallway is also done in the Sand Dollar. Our trim is white, doors white, and it works for us because I can do pale linen curtains and a lot of greenery in the summer, and then bring in dark burgundy curtains and purple pillows and richer accessories in cold weather. (But I like to do that sort of thing.)

  26. coffee cup*

    What’s everyone’s weekend plans? It’s pouring rain here (typically, after a week of sunny weather!) so I’m staying in with some TV and coffee, and hoping to motivate myself to get some of my own work done and move on with that. I’d also like to do a short workout as I couldn’t get out for a run, and then maybe get some reading done later. Thrilling, huh?!

    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Public market for veg and milk and a bit of beef. Gonna start a weird quilt thing while I’m waiting for my friend to pick me up. Then get my kid the shirt-belt-socks to go with his new suit (he’s off to a wedding I’m avoiding). Then do some valet parking for my friend who will be singing with her chorus tonight and tomorrow.- she gets stressed about parking at strange places and can’t walk far, so I do the parking bit.
      Not sure there’s room for a nap, but I’ll see what i can do about that.

    2. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      It’s the Town Fair, so we’re doing that. And then hopefully get the spare room in the barn cleaned out and/or make progress on the chicken coop

    3. Overeducated*

      Somewhat busy weekend over here! Coffee and a run sounds so good though. This morning while kid is at swim lessons I’ll hit the farmer’s market (I go mainly for peaches in summer!) and maybe scope out a yard sale or two. In the afternoon we’re going to hang out with my SIL’s family for a couple hours on the way to a pool party with husband’s work crowd, which should be fun apart from the awkwardness of being in a bathing suit around coworkers.

      Tomorrow I’m very excited to be going to a nice brunch with friends and no kids! This is the first time I’ve tried to organize something for my birthday since a failure five years ago. Four out of six people I invited can make it, so my fear that nobody wants to hang out with me is not becoming real this time, and I’m really looking forward to it.

      The afternoon will be the usual rush of home/life maintenance I should theoretically be doing throughout the week, plus making a meal for a couple in my church whose home was badly flooded a couple weeks ago.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      My husband is camping with his friends so I’m a bachelorette for the weekend! And what am I doing? Food shopping (done), Golden Girls binging (now), pizza delivery tonight and I’ll be going to the fitness store to order my gym equipment for my nearly-finished home gym. Oh, and I want to check out some Bluetooth speakers. Someone recommended the UE brand last weekend, but the model I want to test out is not on display, of course. There’s a spot for the floor model, but it’s empty. I’d order online, but I really need to hear the speaker before buying since it will be on high volume and many Bluetooth speakers don’t sound good at high volumes.

      1. coffee cup*

        Yeah, those kinds of purchases are often better done in person. I could do with a Bluetooth speaker, actually, but only because the music might sound a bit better. Really because it’s just me in a small flat I don’t technically need one.

    5. Llellayena*

      Apparently my weekend plans changed from ‘take car for an oil change then do some shopping’ to ‘hang out with the parents while my brakes are replaced.’ A bit less time efficient, but brakes are kinda important…

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Packing and sorting.
      Also I need to go get another coffee press. Unbreakable this time because guess what. -_-

        1. Elizabeth West*

          IT’S AN EPIDEMIC

          I was mad because it was the TARDIS one from now-defunct ThinkGeek website, but it’s okay I guess; it annoyed me that I couldn’t remove the filter completely to clean it.

          I’m going to buy an unbreakable one. This is the third press I’ve broken now. I’m outta control, lol.

            1. Chocolate Teapot*

              My coffee pot stopped working this morning as well!

              Thankfully, I have a cafetiere so my breakfast coffee was saved, but I need to buy something new.

            2. Elizabeth West*

              It’s too expensive at the non-sale price, knowing that it will just get broken again. I guess they just use regular glass, but coffee presses should have some sort of special beakers. I even broke the Bodum one and my coffee-geek friend said their glass is better than most. I can’t afford a Le Creuset ceramic press (and I’d probably just find a way to break that too).

              This morning I used my *PLASTIC* Teavana tea pour-over device to make my coffee and it worked, sorta. But I’d still rather have a dedicated coffee press. They need to be separate.

    7. Alpha Bravo*

      My weekends rarely vary; Saturday evenings I get takeout for my family of origin (parents, sister, her kids and grandkid) and my mom and I watch Keeping Up Appearances. My garden has started producing, so I’ll be taking them fresh veggies as well. Sunday is my day to do (or not do) whatever I want. I usually putter around in the garden and play with the chickens, and cook a nice dinner for my daughter and I. I hope to have more interesting activities to report when I get my horses. ;)

        1. Alpha Bravo*

          Mom chooses the restaurant, so this time it was Shari’s (local cafe chain that also specializes in pies). We had sour cream lemon for dessert. Yum!

    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Well, I was going to swing by the farmers market to pick up milk, but the dairy decided to skip today to sell at the fair instead. So that was an empty bottle I didn’t need to be carrying around while looking at veggies today.

      I’m very annoyed that they didn’t tell me this either of the last two times I bought milk from them. (They’re at markets within walking distance of my house two days a week, and I buy a half gallon of milk each of those times.) I am now out of milk until Tuesday unless I feel like driving somewhere, and I am not happy about it since I could have easily bought two half gallons instead of one last Tuesday if they’d warned me.

      In probably-better news, I met with someone I’m probably putting a convention bid together with this afternoon, and it sounds like we’re on the same general page in terms of priorities so that may work out. I’d rather that someone else run the con, but only for certain values of “someone else” and there don’t seem to be many takers right now who are genuinely excited about the prospect.

      In much less good news, it sounds like the next door neighbor now has an electric bass with a loud amp. If I am very lucky, it is instead the case that he has a friend with such a thing and they will be leaving soon. (It is also possible that it is a stereo system of some kind. There is definitely a lot of bass involved to the point that I find it highly stressful, I just can’t tell if it’s live or recorded.) If things do not improve in a day or two, I am buying a banjo in retaliation.

      Tomorrow I do laundry. Possibly after buying that banjo.

      1. coffee cup*

        Can you do without milk in the short term? Annoying, though!

        Oh, I find that kind of noise stressful too. Went through a period of a neighbour learning the guitar with an amp, and they always seemed to want to do this at 11pm on a Wednesday or something. Banjo sounds a good idea!

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Yeah, I ‘m torn between not having milk until Tuesday (which is do-able but annoying – I can substitute water in oatmeal and biscuits, but I also tend to drink a glass of milk a day as a snack, and water is not useful as a snack-replacement) and getting my entire milk consumption off-cycle by buying 2 gallons of milk at Costco since I also need goat cheese. (We do not seem to have anyone who sells cheese at the farmers market, so cheese and pantry staples are pretty much the things I buy in stores during the summer market season. I already did a non-Costco pantry staples trip this week, so my only remaining place-that-sells-milk errand between now and Tuesday is Costco.)

          I know I can drink two gallons of Costco milk before it goes bad, and two gallons of milk at Costco costs less than a single half gallon of fancy farmers market non-homogenized (but still pasteurized and from an inspected dairy) milk in returnable glass bottles, but dangit, this was my summer treat! (I may be living a pretty boring life if fancy milk is my summer treat.)

        2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Banjo ALWAYS sounds like a good idea! It’s fewer strings to keep in tune than a guitar, so it must be easier to play, right? (No.)

          I may have a bit of an instrument hoarding problem already (3 guitars, piano, keyboard, violin, assorted recorders/whistles – in my defense I didn’t buy any of these, they were all passed on to me by other family members since I have somehow been designated The Musical One of my Generation since I do know how to play most of those at least a little bit and I own a house with enough space to store instruments) so I should probably spend more time practicing at least some of those rather than buying a banjo and further dividing my attention. Or a ukulele. Or that pretty dulcimer in the window of the local music shop…(I’ll be passing on instruments out of the Family Instrument Hoard to assorted distantly-related familial tiny humans as they decide to take lessons in those instruments over the years as well. Many members of the extended hobbit-family have taken a year or two of lessons on that violin over the generations, and if any of them stick with it they buy a fancier one and return this one to the family instrument pool, for example.)

          I find bass so very stressful. It’s like it vibrates in exactly the part of my stomach that my anxiety lives in. I love music and spend a lot of time listening to things like folk music (last year, in my continual pursuit of additional recordings of an obscure sub-genre of Thing I Like, I bought music on CD, USB drive, vinyl, and cassette tape – yes, I found a vendor who still had cassette recordings of something that never came out on CD and I bought it), but I just can’t with heavy bass. It’s frustrating because I’m pretty sure there are a lot more kinds of music I would like if listening to them didn’t make me so anxious.

    9. Trixie*

      Completed a return to Ikea which is not local and requires a bit of drive. This task has been on my to-do list forever, and so nice to check it off. Also loading up donations in my car for super easy drop off this weekend. I also plan to look at last couple week’s finances and see how my spending/saving looks. Very close to paying off my car!

      1. coffee cup*

        Ikea is always a bit of a drive, no matter where you live, it seems! Same here. I’ve ruled out going this weekend, although I’d like a few new plants and a couple more storage boxes. I’d better wait till I get paid.

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      So yesterday I volunteered at parkrun, did the last of my packing for my house move (eek!), and then went to a free country music festival in a park in London’s business district. It was great.

      Today I am writing up my review of said festival, have a driving lesson in a couple of hours, and then the moving van comes at 2. I also need to at some point wash my hair and buy new bedding. So no pressure then!

      1. coffee cup*

        You can do it!

        I forgot about parkrun for a few weeks there. I might go again next week. My closest one is a hill hell, so I have avoided that for a while…

    11. Jaid*

      I went out to dinner with the family at a nice expensive place and got to exchange birthday presents. Today, I’m running the dishwasher, tidying my my bedroom, and making my green smoothies for the week.

      Maybe I’ll run the vacuum, too, the kittygirl does shed.

  27. Puzzled shopper*

    Hi! I have a work adjacent question bc I’m curious how stores decide something but I’m not asking career advice.

    You know the joke about how as soon as you find a product or tv show you really like, they cancel it? I’ve noticed lately that the more popular “flavors” of certain products are no longer carried by my local store. They’re not discontinued bc I see them in other stores, and there’s no particular reason variety A would be more or less desirable than variety B (like being right next door to a school and getting tired of kids using variety A for pranks).

    So my question is, why would a store stop carrying a really popular product? Like so popular it sells out within a couple days of each delivery?

    I would have thought the manager would think, Hey, this neighborhood LOVES variety A and is meh on B and C. Let’s order more A and less C.

    But instead it looks like, Hey, we sell out of A every week and we’re tired of restocking the shelves. Let’s drop A and increase the meh products.

    Which would be odd bc surely they want to sell as much as they can?
    Can anyone shed any light on this?

    1. Asenath*

      I’d suspect (in the case of a chain) that the local store might not have as much control over what the central supply people send them as you might think. At least, I’ve been told that when complaining that I can’t find something that the used to carry and now don’t. I am also convinced that someone somewhere, either in the store or with the manufacturer, has decided, all evidence to the contrary, that no one now wants variety A so OF COURSE they won’t make/sell it any more and will ship B and C instead. Or something completely new, D, which some study claimed would sell like hotcakes, and they want new products to appear up-to-date. Or maybe D is a knock-off of one of their competitor’s products, which you personally hate, but the competitor did well with it.

      I do a lot of online shopping – not just for convenience, but because I can get things that aren’t easily available locally any more. Like the time a business (now out of business) stopped stocking any shoes that weren’t fashionable (I guess? Definitely not styles I like.) and in a limited range of sizes and told me I could get what I wanted from their online store, maybe, well, at least they did have more variety online, they claimed – but of course I looked a bit further online and have been buying exactly what I want from anther busines.

    3. ThatGirl*

      It’s possible it’s not popular and is disappearing because of low sales. People tend to assume things they like are popular (especially if it’s hard to find) but that’s not always true.

    4. OhBehave*

      Shelf space is very expensive. It’s also very limited. Companies will do anything to get their product placed in grocery stores. Sometimes it’s not up to the local managers.
      I’ve had good luck asking the manager to order xyz for me.

    5. LCL*

      This. It’s all about the distribution chain. Grocery supply is a world of its own. Besides the grocers’ warehouse, local and national brands do their own stocking of some products. If the store isn’t selling it, it means they can’t get it.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        This was the answer I got when the bread I like to buy started fading from the shelves and was entirely gone for a week. It was a store brand so I was really confused. Then it was back, and the cashier said it had most likely been a warehouse shortage issue, not a discontinuation.

        But it has happened with some specialty products. To me it looked like they couldn’t keep them in stock, but it’s more likely that they only ordered a few to begin with, then those took a while to sell out, and just didn’t reorder because it wasn’t worth the shelf space.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I can sympathize. If I like anything the store near me drops it like a hot potato.
      They got rid of Bon Ami. Really? Bon Ami? So now I have to go somewhere else to get it. And I buy other things while I am at SomeWhereElse. So there, take that Not So Clever Store. (They do not care! ha!)

    7. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      It could also be that they’re having general supply issues with A. If the A-shelves are bare half of the time because they can’t get more, that bare shelf space isn’t making any more sales for them and also makes them look disorganized or incompetent since they’re the ones with the empty shelves. (I’ve seen stores temporary re-arrange things so neighboring products take over the “blank spot” while they’re waiting for the next delivery, presumably for this reason.)

      So basically, if A is popular enough that they’d sell 200 units a week but they can only get 100 to sell and then it sits empty the other half of the week while waiting for more stock to come, but B would sell only 110 that week but they can actually get all 110 they need from their supplier, they’ll prioritize B over A since that’s actually making them better sales.

    8. chi chan*

      I think some stores may have deals with others to not carry all the same items. It may be a way to retain some customers. I have no knowledge of business though.

    9. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      That’s happened to me with mops more times I can count. I buy a mop, be able to get heads for them /maybe/ 4 -6 times and then they’d stop making or carrying that model. I’m 56 years old and I’ve been ‘running a household’ since I was 20 – do you have ANY idea how many dang mops I have? I finally cleared out a bunch last year (not gonna say how old some were!). Sheesh!

    10. nonegiven*

      The store in my town is part of a regional, privately owned company with well under 100 stores. My local store can’t go by what is popular in my town. They get what the warehouse sends. Larger stores get more variety than smaller stores.

      I’ve noticed a lot more companies using this model over the years.

  28. Sydney Ellen Wade*

    I’ve recently been reading about FIRE (Financially Independent and Retire Early). Has anyone changed their spending/saving habits to retire within 5-10 years?

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      We’ve been saving like crazy for years, so I don’t know that we changed our habits, but now it is looking like we could probably retire quite well in our mid-50s, which is about 5 years out now. (I use the same user name at the Early Retirement Forum, if you’re there.) We still have some furniture that we had in our college dorm rooms, but over the last 5-10 years we’ve realized that we’ve been saving enough, so we allowed ourselves to spend a bit more, too.

      I keep joking that we could retire right now, we’d just be taking road trips instead of cruises and eating ramen instead of eating out weekly…which is not quite true, but at this point we are looking to retire comfortably and not have our kid worry about taking care of us, even if we have medical issues or require long-term care.

      By the way, that’s one of the biggest obstacles to retiring early, the “Medicare bridge” — covering the expense of health insurance from the time you retire until you are eligible for Medicare at age 65. (You might know this, but I figured other AAM readers might not.) At least with the ACA marketplace, it’s easy to price out health insurance, so we’ve added that to our retirement planner.

      1. Clisby*

        And also price out what Medicare will cost you once you hit 65. I’ve run across a lot of people who seem to think once you get a Medicare card, you don’t have to pay for your health care – when in fact you still will be paying premiums, coinsurance, deductibles. It’s still a good deal – especially since once you hit 65 you’re entitled to it – but it’s not free.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m fascinated by this as well — I love the Frugalwoods site!

      Neither my fiance or I have the high dollar salaries most FIRE people have, but we live in a low COL area. Ideally, we’d like to retire around 50-55, if we could pull it off. Or at least “retire” to working part-time.

    3. Asenath*

      I don’t know that plan, but I know a lot of people who retire around 50-60 – generally, I think it’s more a case of careful planning over years rather than a sudden decision to accumulate enough money in another 5-10 years. The people I know who retired recently don’t usually have enough of an income stream to free up that much extra money that fast. They often do have an employed spouse – I think it’s easier to build up resources with two incomes, but I wasn’t able to do that. The most impressive couple I know started BEFORE they were married, in their early 20s, putting a lot of sweat equity into what became a nice home in what was then the outskirts of the city, and carefully managing the incomes from blue collar and basic office work (“pink collar”? jobs while raising their children. They entered retirement with a paid-for home, and what must be a nice nest egg (important since one of them was in a job without a pension plan, although the government plans are still there). A lot of the decisions that lead to retirement do come early – choice (if possible) of a job with enough pay/benefits; spending patterns, choice of housing… In my case, one of the smartest things I ever did was buy a cheap little house which I sold for a better, but still not luxurious, condo – chosen with accessibility as I age in mind – well before retirement, so I could pay it down while I still had an income. This might not work in a high COL area where it’s hard to get into property ownership, but it’s important to think about your costs for housing after you retire. I wouldn’t recommend moving to a really cheap (and probably rural and highly inaccessible) place, myself. YMMV.

      Tuck as much money as you can manage away on a regular basis, and figure out what your retirement is going to look like – where you are going to live, how much income that is going to require, etc. And you can start late – I had a big change in mid-life and for a long time didn’t think I’d ever manage to retire. I decided to work a little longer than most of my friends, but that patient scrimping and persistence did pay off in the end.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Aurora Leigh and Asenath, there are people on the Early Retirement forum (I should have said, it’s at “Early-Retirement” dot org) who have both started very late and/or never made in the high five digits in salary who have retired early. Of course, it takes a lot more dedication and discipline then, and as you alluded to, they usually live in and retire to very low cost-of-living areas. But it’s possible, don’t be discouraged!

    5. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Count me in. The FIRE idea is the thing that decided me to be more thorough with my finances a few months ago. I was already reasonably good but took it up quite a notch, tightened up the budget and started investing.
      I’m still trying to balance present and future (i.e. not to save to harshly and be unhappy) and to optimize the process. I live in a country with very different rules and where FIRE is more a US curiosity than an actual thing.

    6. fposte*

      I’ll be retiring early in U.S. terms. I don’t know whether I’d technically come under the FIRE umbrella or not–it wasn’t originally a goal of mine, and I’m in a career where people hang on forever, but health stuff kicked in. However, I’ve always been a saver, I live in a LCOL area, and I’m very fortunate in having excellent tax-advantaged options through work.

      I’ve also found it very useful and empowering to have a better sense of my money and ways to optimize it. I just ran some RMD projections yesterday, in fact, to decide if it made more sense to take all my RMDs from a specific account. (Answer may change if the proposed legislation to move the RMD start to 72 kicks in.)

    7. Dan*

      I’m all about the FI, but the RE doesn’t do much for me. Granted, stuff can always happen forcing an early retirement, but as a *voluntary* choice? I like my job, I’m good at it, it pays reasonably well, it gives me a ton of vacation, and when we get closer to retirement age, they have an official “step down” program if you want it. E.g., you can switch to various levels of part time and/or telecommute. I work 40 hours per week (and usually a 9/80) with a flex schedule (I show up at whatever time I feel like and nobody says boo.) And my bosses are usually pretty cool. So outright quitting my job has ZERO appeal to me at the moment. So to me, “FI” means I work because I feel like it, not because I have to.

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      A lot of the FIRE momentum has built up in the last ten years which… have been pretty good investment years. I am curious to see how this shakes out in the next few years if there is a downturn.

      I read some of the forums and am into the general idea, but I think for us it comes down to FI and the RE means we work where/how/when we want, not because we HAVE to. I don’t want to ever just sit around at home, but I do want to not ever have to take a job again just because we need the money.

      Our retirement plans are ok, although we don’t own any property right now due to living situation overseas. However, where we would want to buy for an actual real place eventually is in a lower cost of living area in the Midwest, so we are thinking of putting the cash down on a place in a year or two and renting it out while we are still over here. Im early 40s and partner is late 30s – you hate to say ‘oh we have a ton of time’ but I also recognize how fast time seems to go now! But we have similar approaches to money management and saving and invest some cash every month in personal savings, personal investments, and retirement vehicles so is not all that dire.

    9. Booksalot*

      My spouse and I follow FIRE in order to hopefully retire at all. We each have had 5+ years of unemployment/underemployment that devastated our finances, so tightening our belts to the extreme is our only chance.

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’m over at MMM, and while I don’t plan to retire in 5-10 years, I do my best to not spend money on stuff I don’t care about. I use it as almost mindfulness, but applied to spending :)

      1. Dan*

        My own personal mantra is “conscious spending.” For me, that means knowing what I’m spending my money on and why. It’s also about the tradeoffs — if I spend my money on X, then I can’t spend it on Y. That mindset helps/allows me to spend money on things that are important to me, and things that aren’t, I don’t.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Oh for sure. After moving so much in my life and overseas a few times, we’ve now come to realize that any expenditure here for ‘stuff’ is just something we will probably have to move/sell anyway. Partner just had a birthday and explicitly requested no gifts because he doesn’t want to ‘have to move it’ or store it or anything. We have enough clothes/books/things – so now we are trying to work through the backlog and think before we buy anything else – do I really need this or am I just bored?

        I keep intending to sign up for an online bank that would let me transfer money into a retirement account or investment account for the purchase price of an item I am about to buy but put back on the shelf. I wonder how much THAT would add up to, especially if I include things like coffee and lunch out, etc! But if I could see the number increasing on a daily basis on an app, I think it would be positive reinforcement to eat the lunch I brought rather than go get something blah just to get out of the building, or to bring coffee rather than do a Sbux run. And at the end of the month sweep it all into a good cheap fund – I am buying my future rather than now, and can still see it grow over time.

    11. Gatomon*

      I looked into it, but decided it was a little too extreme for my situation to be feasible. I don’t make enough money to bank large chunks of income in my area due to the rising cost of living, and my job is exhausting enough that a side job isn’t possible. I also have 0 interest in “house hacking” or becoming a landlord, which seem to be common ways to make it work.

      I decided shooting for 55 makes sense for me. If I can/want to work longer, I will, but I’ll be prepared at that point. If I’m lucky maybe I can retire earlier than that! But I also want to enjoy my life today (who knows how long I’ll live and have good health?) and that means I want to spend some of my money on things/experiences now.

    12. Nickels, Dimes, and Quarters*

      When I rejoined the work force after divorce, I had no money, less than $1,000 in assets, ruined credit, and zero confidence in my ability to ever retire. I had read about the FIRE concept, but it didn’t seem achievable for me.

      What clicked for me was that I needed to round up cash to buy real estate and other passive assets. To do this, I opened an investment fund with $25. Then I started looking for ways to add to that account. I canceled satellite TV and added that $75 each month to the account. I made lunch to take to work, so $20 a week was added to the account, and so on. It became a game. Three years ago, I purchased a multi-unit property. I live in one apartment and tenants rent the others. I pay my investment account my “rent,” and the tents’ rent covers all the costs of the property.

      I’m looking to buy additional similar properties which will allow me to retire. I still work a full time job and half of what I earn gets invested. I don’t live paycheck to paycheck, so I sleep well and know that if an unexpected expense comes up, I’ll manage fine.

      I got a late start, so while I might not be retiring at age 30, at least I’ll have that option somewhere around age 60.

      NDQ

    13. Elephant in the room*

      I recommend life insurance for couples with children. Whole life, not term, and enough of it to last. It made all the difference in my ability to retire early (at 55) after my husband died. Without it I would probably have had to work 15 more years.

  29. Rebecca*

    Mom Update, or, It’s Going to Be A Long Afternoon

    Today is “move Mom from rehab facility to assisted living”. The assisted living facility is literally a 5-7 minute walk, depending on how fast I walk, from our front door. I know this, because it’s at my old elementary school and was my bus stop to Jr/Sr High 7 miles away…and it behooved me to be on time for said bus stop. Hoping to get her underway by 1 PM.

    They have 3 levels of care, the 3rd being the most intense…usually for dementia patients or very weak or frail people, but when they evaluated mom, she’s going to start on level 3. She literally cannot do anything for herself. The director called me yesterday to ask if I had any questions, and mentioned that mom seems to have a lot of anxiety and might be a little “challenging”. I’m going to talk to Mom on the way there and plead with her to be nice, not to make all sorts of sounds like she’s in mortal distress, i.e. not be a drama queen, and to try to make the best of it. Mom is so demanding and difficult, and everything has to be done one certain way (her way), she is right, everyone else is wrong, and for now, she’s just going to have to make do and be a little less rigid if possible.

    The director told me Mom told her that she has wanted to sell the house, wants to get out of there, etc. and I told the director that yes, that’s what she says, but not once – EVER – has she even told me where she might want to live, so we can get info, go on a tour, NOTHING. So she can tell everyone “I want to move” but she can’t even start to decide where, or when or anything. Now the decision has been made for her. In my gut, I’m fairly sure she will never come home to the level of independence she had 24 days ago.

    At least she’s starting to own up to what got her to this place: juggling health issues, putting things off, and making all sorts of life adjustments. The other evening she said “I’ll be glad to get out of this place, I can’t sleep here”. I said Mom, you haven’t slept well in 20 years, so just for once, be honest, and don’t blame it on this facility. I got a weak “I know”. I said, I know you know, had you had a job or any responsibility outside the house, you wouldn’t have been able to let this stuff go. No working person could deal with getting up 4-6x or more a night to pee, no sleep, a huge hole in your eardrum and balance issues, bowel issues, and to top it all off, well, maybe they could do the restrictive diet to avoid gall bladder surgery, but the rest of it would have ended badly for most people years ago. Now you’re 83 1/2 and unable to have surgeries to fix any of this, so here we are. I’m not her most favorite person, but I’m done listening to her whine and she really needs to take some responsibility here.

    I got up early to start laundry and get my thoughts together. So far, so good, starting a grocery list. Will have to do that later after she’s at the facility, I guess. I still have some time this AM to go, so maybe I should just bite the bullet and do it.

    The icing on my cake is the riding mower deck – the belt broke when I was mowing last night, so about 1/3 or so of the lawn is mowed. Grass is long, of course, because I didn’t adult well this week. Fortunately, small town, so there’s the “mower guy” who fixes things, so I’m going to stop in his shop today and see when he can put the belt on for me. I can do it, but it will take me 3x longer than it will him, and I don’t have that kind of time. Plus, I’m hoping he can sharpen the blades and change the oil as well. He’s not far away, so I’ll just drive the mower to his house.

    Anyway, wish me luck. All I can do at this point is sigh and plod forward.

    1. MatKnifeNinja*

      Huggles…

      If the place is good, the place has seen it all before. My mom was a quadriplegic, and used to say how she couldn’t wait to go home to her own bed.

      She was a 4 person dead lift to move in bed. A Hoyer lift together out of bed. My mom wasn’t going anywhere. She never had dementia, but people hang onto hope.

      Sounds like your mom is a -I need to be in control-, and suddenly nothing is in her control. Her health, living situation…people regress to the coping skills they had as a 3 to 6 year old. She whines because that’s the only game she has left.

      You know your mom mostly like isn’t going home. My mom wasn’t going anywhere. I learned how to half listen during those rants.

      Rant rant rant when I get home rant rant rant.

      I know mom, I hear you. I said I hear you instead of agreeing. Sounding like agreeing sends you down a lose lose lose rat hole of discussion.

      I hope your mom settles down in a couple of months. My mom never did. She had some mental health issues which fueled the crap-tastic behaviors.

      Your mom is lucky to have you, especially since she doesn’t make it easy.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      You adulted at record levels this week, Rebecca. You made huge progress with your mom, that was much more important than any routine chore that won’t literally bring the house down, and even really long, jungle-like grass is easily fixed once you have the time.

      And I’ll bet you are still her favorite person even if she doesn’t like what you’re saying. I would say if she wanted someone to agree with her she would have hired home health aides and other people she can control, but we both know she would never be able to keep even the most agreeable of assistants.

      Speaking of which, just remember that the staff at the assisted living facility have probably seen plenty like her and worse. Sure, she should treat them well not only to get better service, but because it’s the right thing to do, but they certainly understand how difficult it is for some people to deal with a loss of autonomy, and some people are just jerks. It sounds like your mom is anxious and controlling more than just a jerk, and I think they’ll see that, and maybe she’ll work it out once she’s been there long enough to start to adjust.

      1. Rebecca*

        I was smiled upon today, though, Tractor Supply had 1 belt left in stock that would fit the mower, I snagged it, mower repair guy in town is going to put it on…all is good! And no ordinance against tall grass, so no worries there. It will get done when it gets done. Now I just need to cram some food in my mouth and get up to the rehab to spring her!

    3. Llellayena*

      Oh my. If you can arrange it I would recommend not using your car to transport your mom (does either facility offer transport options?). From family experience, no matter how often you’ve told her she’s going from rehab to assisted, as soon as she gets in your car in her mind she’s going home and she’ll be upset to end up elsewhere. I do hope the transition goes smoothly. Good luck!

    4. Anon phd*

      Sending you lots of virtual hugs and positive vibes this weekend, you’ll get through it.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Oy vey…. sending you good vibes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Reserve some time each evening to decompress, regain your composure, and wind down before going to bed. In times like these you need all the good, restorative sleep that you can get.

    6. Lizabeth*

      Loads of luck!! And Mom’s attitude may change if she starts getting enough sleep in the assisted living place. And take care of yourself first, someone else will make sure Mom’s safe, fed and taken care of, be a daughter not the caretaker.

    7. Mimmy*

      Rebecca – I’ve been following your posts about your mom in the last few weeks. I wish you and her all the best for a smooth transition to the assisted living facility. It is going to take a lot of adjustment on her part but as others have said, the staff have seen and heard it all. This is what they are trained to address.

      Sending up positive vibes!

    8. OhBehave*

      Please understand that they have heard all of this before. Keep communicating with the staff. Thank them for the difficult work they do. It often takes a month for new residents to get used to their new reality.

      The elderly have a real fear of nursing homes. They know it’s their last home (not always) and that they will never get visitors. It makes me mad to hear people make their children/spouse promise to not put them ‘away’.

      You need to continue to hold her accountable for her comments. Sigh away. It’s a new normal for all of you. Give yourself some grace as well as mom.

      Let the facility transport her to the doc with you there to meet her.

      Visit her all the time so her fears can be tempered. It doesn’t have to be hours. Don’t let her stay cooped up in her room. Get her to the dining room for meals when able. Even wheeling her around outside will help.

      This is a difficult season and you are being a terrific daughter. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too, whatever that may mean to you,

    9. Wishing You Well*

      Wow, Rebecca! You got a lot done this week! It’s a big transition, but a positive one.
      The facility might put your mom on anti-anxiety meds. My grandmother was promptly put on them when she was moved into a nursing home but the meds didn’t make her any easier to cope with. My grandmother also wanted to go home and never quit talking about it. You might be hearing the same from your mom for a long time.
      I hope she gets treatment for the bladder issues. Disrupted sleep is very bad for body and brain. The assisted living place should be able to address your mom’s diet, too. She will have much better care in the facility, even if she doesn’t think so.
      Best of Luck! You’re moving in the right direction!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes keeping them safe makes us their least favorite person. How often do we do this in life? Way too often. Our SOs, our kids, our pets and sometimes our good friends or family members get to hear the advice they hate hearing but it is the best advice.

      I am so glad to see others are looking at this situation with you. It’s been way out of hand for too long. Her judgement is not reliable and as with the rest of us, when judgement is no longer reliable our ability to move about is curtailed. And we end up protecting this shell of a person who used to be this or that, or could have been this or that. It’s a loss but there is no funeral involved. It is possible to grief a person’s illness and it is possible to grieve that harder than we do at some funerals.

    11. Rebecca*

      Quick update, waiting for pizza to come out of the oven, I’m exhausted and starving.

      I told Mom that she needs to give it time, it should be for the next 4-6 weeks, she’s signed up for a short term stay (for now, that I didn’t add), but so far she is complaining about everything. And I mean everything. Supper there is a light meal, more substantial lunch, and snacks are allowed, but she is not happy about egg salad sandwiches, sauteed asparagus, and cantaloupe. Too much fat, not enough vegetables, blah blah blah. And the sink is too high, and this is too that, and OMG just STOP. I told her Mom, if you can’t adjust, or won’t adjust, then you need to tell me where you want to go and I’ll take you there. I called her out on the “I hope I can sleep here” bullshit, as she can’t sleep ANYWHERE. Because she pees literally every 2 hours at best. She can’t sleep in that bed. What about the light coming in the window. I can’t read without 2 hands because I have to hold my glasses up off my nose with one hand (BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T GET THE BIFOCALS ADJUSTED CORRECTLY!!) and hold the book with the other. I don’t want visitors. I don’t want people to see me here. My head itches, I hate this wig, and you threw away all my catalogs.

      I’m going to take a few more things down to her tonight. But then I’m coming back to the house, and happily cell service is spotty in there, so if she wants to call me, someone will need to wheel her to the common area where the booster is. I’m going to chill out for a while, honestly, I feel like I need Ativan. She has a script and won’t take it, I probably should get one for just when I deal with her.

      And don’t get me started on the stupid medications list. By law, they have to have original unexpired bottles for everything, right down to Tylenol, so of course, a few of Mom’s things are expired, or she doesn’t take them but for some reason they are STILL on that med list from the doctor’s office, so it’s off to the store tomorrow to buy things she doesn’t even take, in case the state audits and doesn’t find Miralax, for instance. And we have some, but it’s out of date, and the facility can’t accept it. Oh, and thanks, ineffective and non responsive previous PCP. She told you over and over to take things off, and you didn’t.

      I’ve been on the run all day long, and I’m tired. I still need to get the mower down to the shop. My cousin’s husband mowed the rest of the yard, I am so grateful for that.

      I am going to sit down and collect myself. There are people there older than her, one person is paralyzed on one side, and many have other health issues, and honestly, she’s just gonna have to deal.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        sending you a giant hug. You did great. And, it’s got to be water off a duck’s back. The problem with being the responsible (adult) child is – that you feel responsible. You can’t fix the situation she put herself in. No one can. You can’t even – shouldn’t – take any of it to heart. She made this bed, she has to lay in it (not sure about the grammar there, but… you get it).

        It’s a good point above, about grieving. You are grieving not only the change in your mother, but still, to a certain extent, your father’s death. The end of your marriage. You have been so very strong. Hang in there. You embody resilience, but you have to take care of YOU first. You sleep, rest, take care of your health, your life, your space. Hang onto your job, your friends, your hiking. Just because she is only 7 minutes away does not mean you need to run at her beck and call (good news about the spotty cell service).

        Just know – breathe. You’ve got this … but cut yourself slack first. This has been a roller coaster. Stand on the exit platform and take a deep breath, okay?

        Hug.

      2. Anono-me*

        You are being a very very good human being.
        Your mother is lucky to have you.

        Please remember to be as good to yourself, as you are to others.

      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’m relieved to hear that your mother is getting the care that she needs, and that it’s coming from trained professionals, not you. I hope you can see that although it’s bumpy for now, the care your mother is getting is opening up space for you to care for yourself.

        You’ve been the target of so much unfair emotional negativity and demands for physical care, and I am amazed at your strength through all that. The thing now is that although managing all the change is understandably exhausting, you’re in a position to come home to a peaceful place.

        Your mother will continue to complain and be miserable. Can you find a way to not take that on anymore now that you don’t have to live with that dynamic 24-7? Let her caregivers deal with her attitude. They’re professionally trained for it. While she can share everything that she doesn’t like when she sees you, I hope you can release all that vitriol the minute you head home. Take your walks, visit with your friends, and see if you can clear her words from your mind when you’re not physically there.

        Your mother is enormously lucky to have such an amazing daughter. Now it’s time to care for you.

        Yo

      4. Quandong*

        I really hope that you can get some refreshing sleep over the next week, even though you still have to sort out the medications for the facility.

        You’ve been working so hard to care for your mother! Now she’s at a place where you know she’s getting the care she needs, I hope you can start to put down some of the heavy burden you’ve been carrying and focus on your own wellbeing.

        Sending internet hugs your way if you’d like them.

    12. ..Kat..*

      I was worried that Mom would convince the inpatient rehab place that she was okay to go home because you could take care of everything. So, I actually consider this post good news.

      Don’t worry too much about your mom’s attitude. From what you said last week, she behaves much better for the staff (of course she does, she saves up the crap to dump on you! ). Also, there are always some staff who can bring out the best in people like your mom.

      Best wishes for a better week next week.

    13. chi chan*

      Lots of luck. Change is very hard and you have worked so hard. I hope your mom settles down soon.

    14. Tea and Sympathy*

      My mother’s doctor, who has a lot of geriatric patients, told us that in his experience it takes people about 3 months to settle down and adjust to and accept living in an assisted living facility.

    15. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Rebecca…all the sympathy, hugs, wine, chocolate, whatever you need. Can you give your mom a pad of paper and a pen and have her write down all of her complaints (rather than telling you)? Can you ask her for ideas on how to fix dinner of the things she doesn’t like (can’t fix the too-high sink, can get an eye mask if the light is too bright)? Is there anything she can have choices for (like laying out 2 to outfits for your three year old and saying “pick one”)? If you are visiting, can you allow her x number of complaints and then leave when she hits her limit? Can you read a book to her instead of having conversation? Just throwing stuff out there, maybe none of it is viable. Anyway, continue to take care of yourself, please!! Ooh, one more idea… What if you agree with everything she says? Ride the wave and see where it gets you.

    16. Observer*

      I suspect that the facility people called you not because they can’t handle Mom, but because they want YOU know that if she complains, it might not be all that reasonable.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        i’m with you on this one. You may want to reassure them that you “know” your mom is a complainer, you are grateful for them, and that if you see anything to be alarmed about, you will talk to them about it directly and not assume…. without proof to the contrary, you will assume that there is the same level of truth in her level of complaints there as it was when she was in her own care (IE, nothing real).
        And it took grandmom a year before she quit asking to come home. Her mind was sound but her body had betrayed her. It was not physically possible. So give yourself runway.

    17. Jaid*

      Hugs both to you and your Mom.

      My Mom’s fragility and early onset dementia is showing. I feel bad for my Dad, because she will ask things over and over again and I’m not sure if it’s because she couldn’t hear the answer or if she didn’t “hear” the answer.

    18. Bluebell*

      Wishing you luck and patience. It does sound like the staff there is good. Hopefully it will be a good thing for your mom. My sister and I are visiting my mother this weekend, and we are not sure what we’ll do when she takes a turn for the worse. She’s 84 and is very independent, except for needing our financial support.

  30. MatKnifeNinja*

    That kitteh judges all our human fail.

    Love it. It’s screaming to be a meme.

    1. Victoria, Please*

      I don’t always… But when I do… the coolest cat in the world says. :-)

  31. Anon phd*

    Folks thanks again for your superhelpful input last week re: girls’ weekend away with incompatible friend and parent drama. I gracefully canceled plans with her and felt amazing and relieved!!! I gave my folks a stern and assertive talking to and we are mostly ok now..sheesh.

    A question now of a different nature – has anyone sold jewelry before and how did you do it? I have a few gold items from my ex-husband that I’d like to cash in on, but I don’t know how to go about it. Not a fan of Kijiji for things like jewelry because in my mind it can get dodgy, esp. because it’s jewelry. I had the items appraised formally a few years ago, but then never got around to selling them. I am in Canada, don’t know how this differs around the world. Any tips would be appreciated.

    1. Marion Q*

      Can you find jewelry stores and see if they will buy it? I’m not talking about Tiffany’s or stores like that, I’m thinking small stores that sell gold and silver brand-less jewelry, if that’s a thing in Canada.

      Also, you should definitely check the current gold price. My family buys gold items when the price goes down, and sell when price goes up. If you don’t really need the cash, I suggest waiting until price is high enough.

      1. Asenath*

        There are places in Canada that buy and sell jewelry – in my small city, there’s at least one second-hand store that does, another business that advertises that they buy gold, and another gold-buyer who comes into town periodically, plus the usual range of jewelry stores, some of which might buy jewelry. There’s also a business that specializes in coins and collectibles – I sold some coins there some years back, and am satisfied with their service – and I think they also buy old jewelry for the gold. A bigger city would have more options; for a smaller one, look for a least a visiting company in the nearest regional centre. Check online listings for these types of business, get estimates from a couple, and check the reputation of the business you decide to deal with.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Pawn store will give you about 50% of value.

      Could also consider EBay.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      A consignment shop in the U.S. wanted a 35% commission to sell a fancy ring for me. eBay might be the way to go.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I went to two places that bought gold jewelry. They each weighed it. The second place offered me $5 less than the first place. I did not waste the gas driving 25 miles back to the first place.

      The one thing to know is that the weight value of the gold is a very different price from the craftsmanship value of the gold. The art/creativity that goes into a piece really increases the cost of the piece. So those $200 earrings weigh a very small fraction of an ounce. I just did a fast google and I see gold is at 1421 USD an ounce.

      I had two class rings, a wedding band and some broken pieces. Gold was at $900 per ounce then. I came away with about $500. I was happy. I felt I had gotten what I had paid for them decades ago when gold was $32 per ounce. Yes, all that and I had just over a half ounce.

      I started my process by asking people whose opinions I valued/trusted where they would go to sell their old jewelry. I got one name. The second place is well-known and has been around for a long time. I did not want to make this a huge project so I went to just those two places.

      The hidden surprise is that it was such a relief just to get rid of that stuff.

    5. Anon phd*

      Thanks everyone for the super helpful tips. Looks like I have a few solid options in how to move forward, though I’ll likely try the jewelry stores that buy gold first. Not So New Reader – you’re right, a friend also told me that gold is at an all time high (which I had no clue was happening), so my timing seems to be good in wanting to go ahead with this now. Thanks again!

  32. HannahS*

    Really specific book rec request! Has anyone read a good book (non-fiction preferred but fiction accepted haha) about:
    a) The Silk Road. I know very little, would like to learn.
    b) Textile production/trade in general, in any location or era.
    Thanks!

    1. Femme d'Afrique*

      I read an interesting (to me!) book called “Indigo: In Search of the Color That Seduced the World,” by Catherine McKinley. Part memoir, part travelogue and part history of indigo, I found it quite fascinating.

      1. Reba*

        Great book! Interesting question!

        Other related recommendations — not strictly silk road, but similar
        Travel memoirs with history: In Xanadu by William Dalrymple; From Heaven Lake by Vikram Seth; In an Antique Land by Amitav Ghosh

        Ghosh’s novel The Circle of Reason is about a Weaver
        Orhan’s Inheritance by Aline Ohanesian is about cloth dyeing and mystery in Turkey

        Nonfiction
        Vermeer’s Hat by Timothy Brook — 17th century china through the lens of trade objects in Dutch golden age paintings
        Life Along the Silk Road by Susan Whitfield — there are a number of history books on the Silk Road, this is the one I’ve read, plus her other volume focused on material culture! A good-looking alternative could be The Silk Road by Valerie Hansen. This short article (https://yaleglobal.yale.edu/content/legacy-silk-road ) gives a sense of that book’s themes.

        Online resource
        https://festival.si.edu/2002/the-silk-road/the-silk-road-connecting-peoples-and-cultures/smithsonian
        Smithsonian Folklife Festival program on the Silk Road — several countries represented, might give you some ideas

      2. HannahS*

        Thank you! If you enjoyed the history of indigo, you may also enjoy “The Rarest Blue,” which is the history of the dye “tekhelet,” which is mentioned a number of times in the Torah, but the knowledge of what it was got lost (and found, and lost, and then found, etc.) It’s really good.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      The Silk Road: A New History of the World.

      I got it for my brother for Christmas and he says it’s great.

      1. HannahS*

        Thanks! It looks a bit intimidating, but if it’s good I can eat the proverbial elephant in small bites.

    3. Nicki Name*

      Excellent one I read recently: Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World.

      I’ve also read a great book about Marco Polo recently… will post the title if I can remember it.

    4. Foila*

      A really cool book about prehistoric textile production is Women’s Work by Elisabeth Wayland Barber.

    5. Lost in the Woods*

      Life Along the Silk Road by Susan Whitfield is a fascinating combination of exhaustive historical research (Whitfield is a historian) and fiction which brings to life the lived realities of different groups of people along the silk road. It’s organized through a series of “tales,” (the artist’s tale, the nun’s tale) and is heavily referenced, so it’s easy to use it to find more specific information.

      The Silk Road, A New History by Valerie Hansen is a more traditional introduction to the topic, and it’s also excellent.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I can not remember the name of the book, but I read about the history of cochineal dye. I found it very interesting. Looks like there’s several options to choose from.

      You could also look into Tyrian purple – that’s the ancient red/purple dye from snails.

  33. strawberry*

    Trigger warning I guess about medical stuff and YES I AM SEEING A THERAPIST. Needed a place to organize my thoughts and talk out loud.

    – – –

    It’s been a rough week. My mom has health issues that started a while ago. First it was her uterus prolapsing. I called her pcp and told her. She said bring her in. I asked her if she will do an ultrasound she said yes. My husband took her to the dr and she got a referral for an Obgyn.

    I take the day off to take her to Obgyn. Ultrasound & exam and they find out it’s the bladder, not uterus. Got Referred to another specialist. 2 weeks later, Went to specialist. It Went ok. Focused more on overactive bladder. Tests were run, Medicine prescribed. Scheduled a follow up for a fitting.

    The next day she complained about swollen feet and pain in her feet. Which led to how were not taking care of her well, that I am too mean and rough and she did such a bad job of raising me and that all her health problems are my fault.

    Next day, my husband takes her to urgent care. Got a full work up. All #s good. Dr said it’s also heat but my mom won’t turn on her AC. She says it’s cz she gets too cold.

    When I come home from work that day, he is steaming mad about the things she says and does. I am upset. I know shes difficult to be with and he’s reached BEC mode w/ her. I blame myself. He took on the responsibility of taking her to her appts or groceries so that my job wouldn’t suffer. I know he did this out of love for me but it’s time to stop it. I told him I will handle the groceries and dr appointments going forward. Take time off from work if I need to Yet he still insists on doing it but then yells to me at how bad she is. I want to say “I want u to stop bc you complain so much.”

    I don’t think I am a horrible person but maybe I am. Each day I come home from work and get this sick pit in my stomach. 1. That she has problems again and 2. That he’s going to complain to me about her. Or if not then he’s in a bad mood and won’t talk to me or just withdraw altogether.

    Maybe I will never be a mother. Bc I don’t have that caring, compassionate side to me. I never wanted to take care of an old or sick person, esp my mother. If we talk about karma, well I never want to be dependent on anyone. I have had to fight so hard in my life just to have a small amount of independence.

    Honestly sometimes I wish I could just walk and fade away like they do on some TV shows. I am not suicidal and I won’t run away but I feel like just *poof*.

    1. fposte*

      I’m glad you’ve started going to therapy. Have you considered couples therapy with your husband? As you can see from many threads here, managing older relatives is a tough, tough chore; it might be helpful to have a third party assist in working out the patterns between you as you manage the load. It’s easy for your relationship to become a casualty of that kind of stress.

      BTW, “I did such a bad job raising you” can be kind of a gift–you can go for “Fortunately, I still turned out awesome!”

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Your mother is verbally and emotionally abusive, full stop. I hope hearing that makes you realize there’s nothing wrong with you, and wanting out of this situation with her is not just normal, but a healthy response to abuse.

      My belief is that you can help her if YOU feel it’s the right thing to do, but you (and your husband) are not under any obligation to voluntarily expose yourselves to her abuse day in and day out. If she has nowhere to go, contact an Area Agency on Aging, and try to get her a caseworker, because it sounds like this situation can’t go on much longer. You wouldn’t be any use to her or anyone else if you get burned out.

      You might find some emotional and practical support in the Raised By Narcissists subreddit, whether she meets the criteria or not. (I don’t want this comment to go into moderation, so just google the title.)

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
      My take on this is your marriage comes first. There has to be a better way to work through this. Tell your husband “I want you to stop because you complain too much.” He is not helping you much if any when you get blow-back for his help.
      I hope your therapist will help you find ways to work this out. Jedi hugs!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Your mom is another mom that needs more help than you, as one person, can give her. Were you the one looking at moving her to your brother’s? It’s time, before you lose your mind, your husband and your house. We cannot help people who do not want help.

      No there is nothing wrong with you not feeling care or compassion for a mean, ungrateful person. You are actually pretty normal.

      I think you indicated you really love your hubby so that should be your top priority. And that does not mean pull the workload on to yourself. That means find a new plan.

    5. It’s All Good*

      No. I’m a caregiver for my parents and I parents myself. One does not have to do with the other. Parenting your parents is HARD and intense and wrecks the best marriages.

      1. MOAS*

        That’s comforting to know, I guess that’s more internalized negative self talk “You can’t take care of me, how can you take care of a child” (even though that’s never actually been said).

    6. ..Kat..*

      Posting to recommend outsourcing anything you can.

      For example, can you get her to order groceries online? Then you or hubby can pick them up without her. Or better yet, have them delivered.

      What about outsourcing some medical appointment rides (or does someone need to be at the appointment with her to make sure concerns are addressed and to hear what the medical staff say?). I know in my city, there are volunteer agencies that take people to and from medical appointments. Don’t worry, they have to pass a criminal background check. Is there a relative who can take her to some of her appointments?

      Good luck.

    7. WS*

      Your husband is also being abused and put under stress, and he does need someone to vent to who isn’t you. Is he in therapy too? Does he have anyone else to help him discharge the negatives?

    8. chi chan*

      I am sorry things are so hard for you. Is there anyway you can take a holiday? Even a weekend? Might help you center yourself. I think people underestimate how hard it is living with someone who pushes all your buttons. Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuary.

    9. MOAS*

      Thank you everyone for the suggestions.
      Things were better this weekend. I took my mom out yesterday and we went to 2(!) places and no fighting. Husbnad is in a far better mood now.

  34. PhyllisB*

    This is going to be my last post on this topic. I got a call from my sister-in-law at 6:00 A.M. She saw my son staggering down the road. She stopped to check on him and he told her he was drunk and had had a wreck. By the time I got there, the sheriff was there and told me he was going to jail. (No kidding!!) We are just waiting for the call from the jail. Sheriff said he would be ready to go in twenty minutes. That was two hours ago. I’m glad he wasn’t injured or killed, (or someone else injured or killed.) But I am so angry. Not just at this incident, but the fact that my husband told me that Son had been drinking earlier in the week (and trying to cut the grass. Didn’t go well.) Son begged him not to tell me, so he didn’t until now. He’s blustering about not bringing his drunk ass home, but I know he will cave, and try to make me go take of it. I think I have found my hill.

    1. Stitch*

      Getting arrested may be a wakeup call. I have a cousin who struggled with addiction but and accident and subsequent court ordered rehab helped him get turned around.

      I know this is a pollyanna-ish but I hope maybe this will be a catalyst for him to take getting better seriously.

      1. PhyllisB*

        It won’t. This is the third time this has happened, but the first time in 8 years.

      2. Pennalynn Lott*

        I hope it is a wakeup call. But, for my brother, the first (and second and third and fourth and fifth) DWI arrests weren’t enough. He is now in prison for not doing any of his required probation activities from that fifth DWI.

        No one was ever hurt in his car accidents except himself, thank goodness. But I am truly stunned that it has taken so long to get him locked up. And, even at that, he’s only in prison for six months. He’ll be released in early October. And then the cycle will start again. My brother is 53 but looks like he’s 73; has no money; no place to live; and just a pair of large storage tubs that contain his only possessions. The tubs are stored in my mom’s bedroom (Mom lives with me). My mom has propped him up his whole life, which did him no favors. It just enabled him to continue drinking and drugging his life away, despite several mom-funded stints in rehab centers.

        Addiction is a b*tch. I can’t imagine the pain of being a parent and watching my child make horrible decision after horrible decision. And not knowing if stepping up and “rescuing” them is the right thing to do or not. I’ve seen it played both ways. Some people respond well to being rescued and it saves their life; others, like my brother, just use the support to continue in their addiction.

        1. Dan*

          My unsubstantiated theory on when to protect people from the consequences of their actions, and when not to: Usually, the younger they are, the less costly the “lesson”. As in, many cases, juvenile misbehavior tends to get dealt with a bit more lightly in the criminal justice system when people are under the age of 18, and over the age of 18, things can stick with you for the rest of your life. So if someone under the age of 18 needs to “learn a lesson” that involves the cops, it may be the right thing to do to let them. But if someone over the age of 18 needs that lesson, the cop thing and criminal record have much longer lasting consequences. I’d probably let a juvenile face the consequences, but might think harder about stepping in if an 18 or 19 year old is doing something stupid.

    3. fposte*

      Ah, Phyllis. The things we cannot save people from, no matter how much we love them.

      You don’t need to make your next-step decisions right now. But I think you’re right to predict that your husband will allow your son back home, and at some point you might want to think about how exactly you’re going to defend this hill. I suspect that merely saying “No” isn’t going to be enough.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. Get your arguments in place and some “no, if you want that done you need to do it yourself,” lines you can repeat to him without having to go down the “you always do this” route.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Has your husband been to Al-Anon? Seems like that might help to get him to understand that he’s not really helping his son.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s okay to keep posting about this stuff if you want to.

      If this is your hill, what are your thoughts about it? Do you have anyone to help you plan or to give you information?

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My friend’s son just got out after doing 8 years.
      It hurt my friend a lot. “Why did he allow us to become separated???”
      Yeah. Really. Why is that.

      So far so good with the homecoming. Sometimes we have to let people go through their own learning curve. The same can be said of husbands.
      Stand on your hill. Some people need to see others taking a stand before they will take a stand. Let hubby walk down his path and see how that goes for him, without you propping up hubby also. Enough is enough.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      Supporting you on this hill.

      Addiction – in any form – is horrible. That doesn’t mean you have to enable it. You have done more than enough. I would be angry (now, but I was a pushover in my marriage and look where “that” got me!)…. that your husband hid the fact that son was drinking earlier in the week. You have two problems. Do make your stand, but stay firm. This will be tough, but you must be fair. Your hubby keeps doing the same thing, over and over and guess what? The same result (only worse) each time.

      Sending you a hug, if it means anything, from this corner of the internet.

    7. ..Kat..*

      Can you leave him in jail for a while? Or just not pick him up? Maybe block his calls on all the phones/devices your husband uses – so husband can’t cave? (Hmm, you would probably have to block all phone numbers from the jail. Might not be practical.

      I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

    8. Observer*

      Please get yourself into therapy – for yourself for sure, and with your husband if he agrees. You have a few different problems here, not just the fact that your son is an addict.

      A good therapist will help you figure out how to defend your hill. I think you’re going to need help with that, because it sounds like your husband has a habit of just steamrollering over you.

      Lots of luck with this!

    9. PhyllisB*

      Okay, here is the follow-up (such as it is.) After not hearing for four hours I just assumed he called his girlfriend to get him because he figured we didn’t want him home so I put it out of my mind and went about my day. Well, I was already going about my day, but I did have it in the back of my mind. We were having a birthday dinner for my oldest granddaughter and I wasn’t going to let anything ruin it. Well, about two in the afternoon I got a phone call from one county over, and had a feeling that would be him. (This is where all his trouble started years ago) sure enough, when they ran his record, they found an outstanding bench warrant from 2013 stemming from non-compliance with drug court. The problem is, they served that warrant, he went to jail, and the judge allowed his release when I brought proof that he was going into a rehab facility, He went on and completed terms and got a letter from the court showing he had completed all requirements, and all charges expunged. So, I went ahead and got him, and the lady at the jail admitted that he shouldn’t be there, so they released him. However, being the weekend and it being afternoon there was no way to access his belongings so he will have to come back Monday to get them. She also told me we need to go to the drug court office to get this cleared up. Otherwise, if they run his record for anything again, this same thing will happen. I have to work out of town so I told Hubs that he will have to take him to get this taken care of Monday, I can’t. (He’s a teacher and off for the summer.) Also I suppose they need to go by the sheriff’s office to see what’s what and go check on his car. At least this won’t all be on me this time.

  35. Stitch*

    I have two close friends undergoing fertility issues right now and it just makes me so sad for them. One just lost a fallopian tube to an ectopic pregnancy. I try to keep in touch and make sure they are okay, and try to be conscious of how much I talk about kiddo. Other than that, I don’t know what the best thing to do to support them is. They are very different about it, and I try to let them take the lead in how much they want to discuss and whether they want to spend time with my son.

    Both of these couples would be such great parents. Come on, universe. Make it happen for them.

    1. Christmas*

      It sounds like everything you’re doing is wonderful! All you can do is be there and continue to follow their lead. Sometimes just inviting a friend out to grab a cup of coffee is truly huge. It’s also really considerate that you are thoughtful about talking about your own child. The worst thing when going through something difficult like that is when your friends feel too awkward to be around you or talk about their own daily lives, or just don’t know what to do, so they start to disappear. Kudos to you for staying present, involved, and supportive!

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      Just by keeping in touch and not talking nonstop about your own kid puts you head and shoulders above most people. Because most people are too uncomfortable with it, and will either forget or ignore you. Keep doing what you’re doing, and let them have the lead.

    3. Marzipan*

      I think letting them take the lead is a good plan. Checking in with them and letting them know you care about them will, I’m sure, always also be welcome. Acknowledging that it sucks is also often refreshing and helpful for people to hear.

      Your sound like a really lovely and supportive friend!

  36. Catsaber*

    Hi everyone, thanks for your comments on my post yesterday. Overall I am just feeling very anxious about money and the future. I’ve always been a pretty anxious person, and my parents, while growing up in a comfortable middle-class home, were always worried about money. And now I’m repeating the same thing. It just feels like it’s taking over my thoughts. I’m 35, have two small children in daycare, married, in the US. My husband and I both have good jobs with decent pay, so that we are able to afford a good daycare and still have some money left over (in fact, we have a lot more money with both of us working and doing the daycare as opposed to one parent staying home). We’re paying down our debts, and will be debt free in about 2 years. And yet I am still completely freaking out about retirement savings, day to day stuff, just everything.

    I think part of it is that sometimes we cut it kind of close at the end of the month with our spending…we always get our bills/necessities paid and don’t put on debt, but we’re not saving a whole lot in just emergency savings either. And this year has hit our emergency savings hard…we had to get a new AC, new water heater, have spent a lot on car repairs, etc. It just feels like one thing after another. To top it off, we really want to buy a new home, but I feel like with the current housing market, we’d have to have at least $20-30k in cash apart from equity just to even contemplate buying something, because houses get snatched up so fast. Then there’s the fact that we don’t have savings accounts set up yet for our girls (they’re 1 and 4), and time for that will run out so fast. Then there is retirement….it’s like everything I read says if you don’t already have X amount of money saved up by the time you’re 30, then you’re screwed. The projection for a comfortable income used to be saving $1m, now it’s $4m. We didn’t make a lot of good financial choices in our 20s, so we didn’t save much. Now we’re 35 and 39, and I feel like we’re totally screwed over for retirement unless we completely stop spending all extra money and just eat PBJ sandwiches all the time and don’t do anything fun. On top of this, my husband has all these ideas for spending money….he wants to fix up the backyard, buy a small cabin, get a new car, take a vacation, etc etc. Which we could do if shit would stop breaking around here and we could focus on saving again. He’s very patient with me when I tell him we have to save, but I can feel him losing patience. And then there’s just family and friends constantly asking when we’re going to move, if we’re saving for our girls, etc etc etc.

    I am just really overwhelmed. How does anyone afford any of this stuff we’re supposed to afford? I don’t just mean extras like vacations, but retirement and college savings? How do we do that and still have a little money to just enjoy life, like go to a movie every now and then? We budget, and I know where our money goes, and where we could save some more, we don’t live extravagantly, but I don’t want to completely restrict us and be obsessed about money all the time. I feel like I can’t drown out the voices that are saying, “You totally screwed up, and you’re never going to catch up.”

    I appreciate everyone taking the time to listen.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      First of all, I think you’re reading the wrong things/listening to the wrong people. Most people at your age, in your situation (kids, etc) who had to pay for a water heater, AC, and car repairs would be up to their eyeballs in debt, and one paycheck away from being homeless! Your emergency savings positioned you to handle that setback (and everyone has setbacks) without it being a disaster! And if someone says you’re “supposed to afford” something, they’re probably in debt, or don’t have an emergency fund. Many of my friends are as well off as I am or better, and we still know people who are struggling artists and underpaid teachers, and we try to do more affordable or free activities when we hang out with them, because they are not “supposed to” be able to afford anything, they’re doing what makes them happy!

      As I said above in the early retirement thread, there are people who retire with very little money and are very comfortable, because they don’t travel or need new cars or want to go out to eat every week. And $4M???? That is what you would “need” if you want to spend $160,000 a year in retirement! We’re planning on traveling a lot and eating out a lot in retirement, and that’s our stretch goal! People still retire on way less than $1M, and still have more money than they need.

      Plenty of kids have their college choices restricted by finances, and you know what? Even if they don’t qualify for need-based scholarships, after a year or two or three at a community college or a state school, they may get an academic scholarship to a school with a big name. And you know what? You probably work with community college and state school graduates, and no one cares. Even for your first job, no one really cares that much about your college, they’re often looking for someone who is smart, reliable, and a fast learner.

      1. Catsaber*

        Thank you! I thought the 4m thing for retirement was pretty weird, but I need to consider the source when people tell me these things. I’ve done many retirement calculators and get wildly different results each time. I didn’t realize that would 160k/year, which is double what we would be comfortable on for retirement.

    2. Project manager*

      So there is a lot here, and I am not a financial expert by any means, but my first thought is to STOP giving two shits about other people and where you are compared to them. You had a different path, and most likely a lot of people are exaggerating/had family help/etc.

      I would work on comparing yourself to where you were last year, like last year we saved blank for retirement this year we want to increase by whatever percent. I don’t know your income, but on our income we have enough for everting we need, and some of what we want, we don’t have enough for all the things we want. I think it would be helpful to consider what is most import, because you don’t have the funds for all of your priorities. My personal opinion is to prioritize retirement, then emergency fund, and I would personally then chose vacations (because I like vacations, your kids are little and won’t always be), then a new house, then kids college. Some will probably disagree, but figure out your order. I also don’t know how urgent a move is for you. If you aren’t in a great school district or don’t have enough bedrooms or something, you should maybe prioritize it differently, but the order is up to you.

      The way I manage our money, is I figure out how much I want to save each month, I pay our fixed expenses, and I don’t track anything else. I think having envelopes or categories or grocery budgets is stressful. I know budgets helps people, so it really does depend, but this method helps me feel not restricted and I think it’s obnoxious categorizing things.

      1. Catsaber*

        Thank you! We’d like to move within the next couple of years, because our house is quite small and we’re feeling cramped. I also just want to make the transition as stress-free as possible for our girls…with my oldest entering kindergarten in a year, I don’t really want to move her midway through elementary school, but that may be unavoidable.

        I definitely need to care less what people think. It’s driving me crazy for my relatives (mostly moms) to keep asking me when we’re going to move, where, which schools, etc etc etc. I have told them to knock it off multiple times but they keep pestering me.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Some more thoughts:

      If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it might help you feel more in control to set out a budget using Mint or YNAB or whatever tool works for you. That way you can know that you have $X in your budget for movies a month, and you’re trying to save $Y per month, but hey, life happens. You will sometimes miss your projections, and sometimes overshoot them, but if you have a method to work towards your target, it might help.

      Also, we did not start saving seriously until our late 30s either. That’s not unusual at all. We had a cable spool for a coffee table and a lot of curb-rescued furniture up until then. We were fortunate that, after around that point, our salaries started outpacing our expectations, but we kept living as if they didn’t for a few years. Eventually we started spending like we are middle class, even though we make a lot more than that, and compared to how we used to live it feels like a luxury. But we didn’t buy into needing a new car every 5 or 10 years or needing to renovate the house, or needing actual furniture instead of junk we found in the trash. :D

      We prioritized our savings first, and I think you will find that not going into debt for those repairs this year will give you a huge leg up on your peers, but no one likes to talk about that. It sounds like your friends only like to talk about what new, expensive toy they’ve bought, even if they are mortgaging their future to do so. Don’t believe the hype.

      1. Overeducated*

        Hahaha, I’m really struggling with the junk we found in the trash right now! I really am tired of an apartment furnished with trash, I feel like it doesn’t look like adults live here, so I’m stalking Craigslist and FB marketplace daily for very specific *better* trash (e.g. our couch was left behind by the previous occupants 3 apartments ago, I never really liked it, but I can’t justify spending $700 on the couch I want NEW). It’s hard to know what is irresponsible and what is ok sometimes….

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Oh, don’t let my emphasis on frugality make you think that we never coveted nice things, we certainly did. That’s pretty normal! But like food, with finances you have to find a balance between what is good for yo and what is enjoyable. And oftentimes you have to just quiet the part of your mind that craves something that wouldn’t be in your long-term best interest, so that’s what we did. I know I glossed over that part and made it sound easy, but I know it’s not, it’s just that we made it through that stage, so of course it feels easier looking back on it.

          Don’t think of it as “it doesn’t look like adults live here”, think of it as “we’re doing the adult thing and putting our financial future ahead of X”. And if you really can’t stand it, spend a few weekends going to garage sales or checking clearance and scratch-and-ding departments in your nearby furniture stores. I emphasized the really frugal part of keeping college furniture, but we did replace some things when we could, here and there, when we found really good bargains.

    4. Overeducated*

      I’m in a similar place, mid 30s with two day care bills and not tons of retirement savings in our 20s (except we don’t even own a house). I have these same worries. I feel like I’m failing because we can’t afford to max out retirement accounts, or even come anywhere near. And college savings? Umm….

      Honestly I just put on blinders, do what I can, and try to stay off parts of the internet written for/by people with wealthier circumstances or lower fixed costs. We don’t have a more lavish lifestyle than when we were grad students, despite our income being much higher, we just spend SO MUCH MORE on non-negotiables like rent and childcare in a high COL area. We keep our eyes out for better jobs and/or work in a LCOL area, but we aren’t going to be able to double our incomes again and neither of us is willing to give up our career, so these limits are real. I think budgeting and doing your best to save is important, but not everyone gets to live to retirement age or enjoy it much, so I don’t think a discretionary budget of $0 to maximize savings is reasonable either. Making memories is important too.

    5. fposte*

      I’m echoing other people’s thoughts–what you’re saying seems wildly unlikely to be true. A 4m projection across the board is BS. Projections for retirement aren’t across the board–it’s based on your particular expenses and your particular expected duration–and there’s no way you can know 30 years in advance that you’ve somehow failed.

      As I said upthread, learning more about money has been terrifically empowering. While financial forums can be a double edged sword, it can be really interesting to see how psychologically different people are with money, and how some people panic at overspending on coffee when they have eight figures, and some people figure it’ll all work out to go seven figures into debt. I can’t tell from your information where you are in there, but I think if you learn more about long-term financial planning and can create some projections, you’ll find that really helpful.

      You don’t mention saving for retirement at all–are you feeling squeezed before you even get to retirement savings, or are you saving heavily for retirement and leaving very little for now, or something in between? And how does the new house work financially–are you looking at more expensive places? The house choice you make is huge in financial terms, so if you’re already feeling anxious and straitened, I would really recommend not moving for several years unless it’s to someplace cheaper, not more expensive. I would absolutely *not* get a more expensive house if you’re not saving for retirement right now.

      There are a lot of people who write about money, retirement, and finance; I think for you Jane Bryant Quinn might be a good place to look. (I’ll always recommend William Bernstein’s free pamphlet “If You Can” for a first retirement look, too.) What you’re talking about is juggling, but it’s juggling you can learn how to do.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, and an important part of the juggling/planning is knowing what “enough” looks like on the way as well as when you get there. So you can know that you’re saving “enough” for your future to be able to spend money on a car or a vacation or a dinner out today. That’s the benefit of a projection–you can say “Okay, buying the car means we’ll have $x less at retirement, but that’s actually okay.”

      2. Catsaber*

        Thank you, this is very helpful! We are saving for retirement via payroll deductions – I have a pension and a 403b, and my husband has a 401k. But we are not putting back any additional after payroll deductions, and I think we are saving like 7-8%? It’s hard for me to tell. So when I do these retirement calculators, it’s hard for me to understand exactly what’s going into them so I get wildly different results.

        Also I have a really hard time sifting through financial advice because most of it seems to be created by old rich dudes who already had a bunch of money by age 18 and never made a financial misstep ever. I need to hear from people who had real debt and didn’t save every single cent in their 20s.

        Re: houses, our current house is quite small. Like more of a large apartment. We’ve got two small girls, and we could live in the house for several more years, but we just don’t really want to. It’s also old and falling apart. But we do have good equity in it. The other thing is that it’s over an hour commute for my husband, so we want to move closer to his work.

    6. Summer Rain*

      Oh, I so relate to you! I have recently been having severe financial stress about my family’s situation, while my husband seems ok with things. (I am about 15 years older than you, with two kids – one about to start college – and my DH’s career is kind of on the downswing. ie. he is underemployed these days. I work FT but am out on disability now.)

      I was freaking out so much I started seeing a therapist (not just for this, but it was a big part of why I wanted to talk to someone). After I had been seeing her for a few months (and obsessing about money to her endlessly) she asked if my husband would come in too for a session. (She’s not a financial therapist – if that’s even a thing – just a regular therapist). Anyway, it was very helpful to have her be a neutral party in hearing about our financial situation. I think it helped both my husband and I, not really in a financial way, but in an emotional way by providing understanding to the other about how we each are feeling about money. We were each able to see the other’s perspective and meet more in the middle. Our financial situation is still not what I wish it was, but I am calmer about it and we are on the same page about ways to make changes and our future plans.

      I’d also advise you to set up 529s now for your kids and start contributing to them with automatic transfers, even if it’s only $10 or $25 a month. That will get that worry off your head, and once you have them set up, it will be easy to add in any birthday or holiday money they might receive. Set yourself a deadline and then it will be done!
      :)

      Good luck to you – I hope you find a way to feel better about it.

      1. Catsaber*

        Thank you! The 529 sounds like a good idea. I’d love for them to have a little something, even if they choose not to do college.

    7. Clisby*

      One thing to remember is that those day-care costs are short term. If one of your kids is 4 years old, then in another year(?) that child will be in kindergarten. Use public kindergarten, and whatever that day-care fee is can be saved or put toward retirement/college expenses. I know, depending on work schedules, you still might have to pay for some sort of after-school care – but in my experience, that’s not nearly as expensive as full-time day-care. In 4 more years, you’ll be free of day-care expense and can save more.

      If I were you, I’d prioritize saving for retirement over saving for your kids’ education. My husband and I were fortunate enough to be able to do both, but not everyone can. My parents told me (and my 5 siblings): We hope to be able to send all of you to college, but we’re not obligated to do that. Our obligation is not to be a burden to you in the future. (They did send us all to college, with the proviso: You can go to any public in-state college or university you want, and can get into. If you want to go to a private school or an out-of-state school, it’s on you to earn the scholarship money to make up the difference.)

      I second the folks saying $4M for retirement is crazy. There are plenty of people, all around us, who are making it in retirement with Social Security and either a 410k or one of those old-fashioned pensions (plus, of course, Medicare).

      2. Catsaber*

        Thank you! Yeah the daycare is short term, and will be cut in half by next summer when the oldest goes to school. It’s just been really hard this year. After writing my first comment, I went to the grocery store and my truck overheated and is now in the shop AGAIN. So it’s just been one thing after another and I’m feeling beaten down.

        We are doing retirement savings currently via payroll deductions, but I don’t know if it’s enough. I keep trying to make an appointment with the financial advisor available through work and I can never get a response!

    8. Dan*

      How to lower stress levels:

      1. $4m is nuts for retirement savings. I do think $1m is a bit low depending on where you live, but $2m+social security and medicare will put you in a good spot.
      2. Forget a new house for now.
      3. Kids’ college should be last on the list. If you don’t have it, you don’t have it. Side note: Society isn’t doing anybody any favors by suggesting everybody needs to go to college. As college expenses continue to increase, people are going to have to take a long, hard look at what makes financial sense.

      1. YetAnotherUsername*

        Good point about college funds. I know so many people with useless degrees who moan about the fact that they got a low paying job after college. Your kids might be better off going a non-college route. There aren’t many jobless plumbers or electricians!

        1. NewNameTemporarily4This*

          Just wanted to mention the financially savvy (Financial Peace/ Dave Ramsey) kid in our family figured out how to graduate from community college with a very useful degree and no school loans. The world will need lots of his/her in the future. Self employed, but after taxes, brings home more per hour than me (and I’m a “highly compensated” individual for IRA purposes).

          One acquaintance who knew said child had been in the gifted child program, thought child would regret not getting a four year degree. Truth is, child can pick up the additional education half time/ evenings/weekends – if wanted. (Already spends a lot of time learning how to run their small business. ).

          Yes, said child had a 529 plan. That helped. But it was not built at the cost of the retirement funds. It did have 1/3 of child’s earnings, birthday, Christmas, etc for their years up to college, and contributions by family members. It’s part of what helped pay for the community college specialized training and expenses to get through community college.

        2. Clisby*

          I don’t know how common this is, but one public college in my area has an Evening Undergraduate program where students can do their first two years at the local community college, and the last two at the 4-year college (I think 8 degrees are included in this, including 3 engineering degrees and computer science.
          The idea is that the associate’s degree can help get you a day job while you go to school at night for the 4-year degree.) It cuts a bundle off the total price.

      2. Catsaber*

        Thank you! We are doing retirement savings via payroll deduction, but I worry it’s not enough. However right now it seems like even a little bit is okay and we can increase it as we get older and don’t have as many child-related expenses.

        I agree that college is last on the list. I would like to set up some kind of interest-savings account for them just to have a bit of money for whatever they want to do, but if they want to go to college, they’re going to need to mostly fund it themselves. I think they should do it how I did it: community college + a bit of 4-year for the degree. I came out with very little school debt, and I’m glad I didn’t overextend myself in that way.

    9. Public Health Nerd*

      The only thing I would add to the many good suggestions here is to read The Simple Dollar blog. Trent’s articles were very helpful for me, and he writes about managing finances with a family.

    10. YetAnotherUsername*

      Once the kids no longer need daycare things will get a lot easier. I would postpone savings/retirement till then.

      Both my kids will be in school this September and we will still need afternoon daycare but we will be saving €150 a week in the school term. It makes a big difference. Since we had the kids we have been steadily reducing our savings because we wanted to pay foe good quality childcare. I think of it as an investment in my kids. I’m looking forward to breaking even again!

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I was pretty worried about our financials when I was in my 30s also.

      Well I guess it was not wasted worry. When I was in my 40s he died. He had maybe 1.5 years of pay in his life insurance. (should be 8 years?). It was the largest policy he ever had. I was grateful.

      I am still in the house and it’s been just over a decade.

      Here’s the parts we got right:
      We bought a house that was below our means. I was able to refi on my own and cut the mortgage payment by 55%.
      We put any inheritances or other “found” monies to one side as if we never got them. At that time it was the only way we would ever have a meaningful savings.
      We bought modest cars.
      We made an agreement not to buy anything over $100 without telling the other one. (This so the other one did not spend their $100 that month also. The agreement went, that the other person could do it the next month.)
      Instead of figuring out who got how much tax return we put the refund on our oil bill for the season.
      We did a lot of repair rather than replace. I think we did too much of that, just my opinion.

      Even after all this (plus other stuff not mentioned here) I can never retire. His medical bills cleaned house.

      And that is when I decided I needed to learn about gratitude. You know, gratitude is a very powerful thing. For one thing it helps us focus on NOW rather than YEARS FROM NOW. You know the expression, “don’t lose today worrying about tomorrow”? This right here is why. Tomorrow is what it is.

      Checking my gratitude has been keeping me afloat for years. Some how I have managed to be in the right place at the right time and I just keep going along. I can’t explain it except to say that the future brings what it brings, and all we can do is vow to stay sharp. Vow to grab opportunities when you see them. If you are worrying about tomorrow you will miss a good opportunity today.
      The best of plans can fall apart in a heartbeat. The thing that is of highest value is looking around at all times and being aware when opportunities arise. Make this your life habit to maximize on the opportunities in front of you right now. This ability will carry you through many things.

    12. Paris- Berlin -Seoul Express*

      Take a deep breath and relax a little. First of all $4M is crazy, not sure where you got that from. Secondly, start reading Michelle Singletary’s column. She has some really down to earth advice and her weekly chats provide some emotional support tackling debt. My husband and I didn’t start putting money away for retirement until we were in our late 40s. Nothing to emulate, some of that was just plain stupidity, some of it circumstances beyond our control, but once we buckled down we managed to build up several hundred thousand in assets within an eight year time frame. So bottom line is that it’s never too late. Secondly, don’t buy into a bunch of hype about over the top education. Do what you can afford. Community Colleges are excellent starting points to cover the the general subjects and cost very little. Thirdly, really, really stop listening to friends and family and just focus on what it is that you and your husband want. And maybe also why you think you want it. Good luck. It’s all doable.

    13. Lynn Whitehat*

      Daycare is so expensive. It is just so expensive. I really think it is fine to just tread water while you have two in full-time daycare. That is what we did. We really moved ahead with savings once they started being able to attend public school.

    14. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      I highly recommend you read “The Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey. It provides simple steps and procedures to get your financial life under control. It’s simple (but not easy), and it works. His advice is based on biblical principles, but it doesn’t matter if you’re not a religious person; it’s still sound advice that anyone can use. He has a daily radio show, and there are Youtube videos that are informative and entertaining.

    15. Nickels, Dimes, and Quarters*

      It helps when spouses share a vision of their future. When I was married there was a lot of stress because he wanted to buy expensive recreational toys to use now and I wanted investments to secure our future. It shouldn’t matter what others want, but if the two of you can agree on where you want to be at a certain point in time, that’s key. The rest is marketing noise.

      NDQ

    16. Catsaber*

      Thank you everyone so much for your comments! They were really helpful. Here’s a few things I wanted to add:

      – So grateful you all agree that 4m for retirement is nuts. I got that number from my boss, but also I’ve done some financial calculators, and some of them said this was what I would need. However my projections/calculators have been all over the place. We are saving for retirement now. I have a pension, a 403b, and my husband has a 401k.

      – I agree that college is not a top priority, and neither of us will demand our girls attend college. Even though I work at a college, I don’t think college is a necessity for everyone. I would just like to have some savings for them to do what they want – whether it’s college, or traveling, or buying a car. But it’s further down on the list.

      – I generally struggle with not worrying about the future and living in the now. Even if all our money worries were gone, I’d probably find something to stress about.

      – I am also just exhausted from having two small children. I breastfed my daughter this year and we’re finally weaning off night nursing, which really took a toll on me. My husband has been wonderful, but he’s also exhausted from a super long commute. I need to remind myself it’s okay to just “tread water” right now and stop punishing myself for not being fiscally perfect.

      – A major reason for moving to a new house is my husband’s long commute, which is a little over an hour on a good day, and sometimes almost 3 hours with traffic on a bad day. It’s really been wearing on him, so we’d like to cut it down. But we also want our next move to be pretty “permanent,” as in, we don’t want to move again in 10 years. We want something bigger, but we agree that we also want a nice older home in a gorgeous old neighborhood (with trees!). We bought our first house with the idea that we didn’t want to overextend ourselves, and that’s always been our philosophy regarding purchases.

      – I need to do whatever I can to set better boundaries with our moms, who are our main stressors. They are also worriers. They want us to either home school or private school our girls (they are terrified of public schools), and they keep sending me house listings for these giant brand new homes (which we do not want). I have had many many conversations with them about how this is not helpful, and how it just makes us more anxious, but they continue. So new strategies needed there.

      – I wrote this post during a panic moment. Thank you all for your supportive and helpful comments. It has helped me calm down and get some perspective!

  37. Loves Libraries*

    Sad news. My brother and I called in hospice care for our 89 year old father this week. He had passed out at church on father’s Day and has rapidly declined. Hospice will focus on keeping him comfortable. He already seems less tense. Grateful we won’t have to return to the hospital.

    1. Daisychain*

      I’m so sorry, that is incredibly sad. From my experience, hospice is a blessing, they kept my dad comfortable at the end which gave me some feeling of comfort as well. I am sending you good wishes and a gentle hug (if you want one).

    6. Clisby*

      I’m so sorry to hear that. My mother died in hospice, and it really was such a peaceful end. I would have hated to go through that in a hospital.

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending a hug. Peace and comfort for him, solace and strength for you and brother.

  38. I hate coming up with usernames*

    I lost my engagement ring and wedding band this week, and I’m so torn up about it. They stopped fitting around the end of my last pregnancy, but I recently lost 10 pounds and decided to try them on to see if I could wear them again. They went on, but throughout the day got painfully tight, and so I took them off and tucked them into a pocket in my purse.

    And now they’re gone. I’ve torn apart the house and car and retraced my steps…no luck. I have a feeling we’re not going to find them. And finances are tight enough we definitely can’t drop $1500 on a new set. I’m just sick about it, and my husband is being so nice it somehow almost makes me feel worse. He’s super determined to find them, but I’m pretty sure he’s wasting his time ☹️

    1. fposte*

      Ah, bummer. Would a funky silicone ring work as a placeholder, since it won’t be trying to pretend to be metal and gems?

      In my experience, purse pocket stuff does tend to resurface–it rarely bounces completely out of the purse when you’re out in the open–but the fates like to tease.

      1. I hate coming up with usernames*

        I think one of the silicone rings as a placeholder would probably just make me sad every time I felt it or looked at it.

        It does seem weird for it to just be open – it’s a deep pocket! But I’ve taken everything out of the purse, held it upside down, and given it a good shake. I think my only hope now is that I absentmindedly took it out, set it down somewhere, and it ended up getting knocked into a weird space where a deep cleaning will cause it to turn up.

        1. fposte*

          Aw, I’m sorry. It wouldn’t hurt to let your husband dig through the purse as well just in case–sometimes we’re cognitively blind to our own stuff in a way that others aren’t.

        2. LCL*

          Endoscope lights/cameras are really cheap at Harbor Freight now. Or you might be able to rent or borrow one. When you check the car again, look all the way under the front seats, and between the seat and the center console. Another good place to look is in the area where you normally park, that’s where things tend to fall out of pockets or purse. And check by wherever you stand and open your purse to get your keys out, if that is your routine.

        3. LizB*

          Are there any hidden rips in the lining of the purse? My mom lost her keys for a week once – turns out they were between the lining and exterior, and even turning it upside down didn’t recover them because of the angle the rip was at.

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            you can remove the lining of the purse. I also once had mine slip off into the kitchen trash (didn’t know that’s where it was). I used a sieve to go through every bit of the coffee grounds in the bottom of the bag… as a last resort… and there it was.
            Wishing you the best luck in finding!

    2. Policy wonk*

      Have you checked the pockets of your maternity clothes? When I packed up mine to send to my sister-in-law I found all kinds of things I’d absentmindedly put in the pockets. Hope they turn up.

      1. I hate coming up with usernames*

        I’ve had the ring within the last week, and it’s been longer than I want to admit since I was actually pregnant, so that one I can rule out. I have checked all my pockets though.

    3. Eva and Me*

      Could it have gotten into the lining of the purse? Sending you good-luck vibes for finding them!

        1. Green Kangaroo*

          Me, too. Rings and other smooth metal things can wriggle into the weirdest places. I’d carefully slit the purse lining and root around in the interior of the bag.

      2. I hate coming up with usernames*

        Oh gosh, I hadn’t considered that. I don’t see any tears in the lining, but I realize that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. It’s my one and only nice purse and ironically my husband bought it for me on my honeymoon, so I’m hesitant to cut the lining to check.

        1. Lucette Kensack*

          The lining can be repaired or replaced easily and (relatively) cheaply! Go for it.

          1. Wishing You Well*

            You could find a convenient seam in the lining and just cut the stitches with fine scissors or a seam ripper. The seam can be resewn. Feel through the lining for the ring first.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          There might be a hole already in the lining that you didn’t know about, and they could have slipped through. I ALWAYS lose stuff in purses for this reason.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          If you go slowly and methodically you should be able to feel the ring if it is there, without cutting the lining needlessly.

    4. OhBehave*

      The silicone ring wouldn’t work for me either.

      A friend just got her ring back after 20 years! Her hubby was looking through a box in the garage and there they were.

      You’ve probably checked, but:

      Purse lining
      Take everything out of bags/boxes and look through it all.
      Trace steps on your hands and knees with a flashlight
      Take the vehicles apart and look with a flashlight esp. that annoying space between seats.

      Good luck!

      1. Clisby*

        Yes to taking the vehicles apart! I’ve never lost a ring, but I’ve found a credit card and earrings deep within the crevices of my car.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        A silicone ring works well for me. It’s safer than my original ring for a couple of reasons. I found I couldn’t go ring-less after many years of wearing one, so a silicone ring was perfect for me. Your results may vary.

        For a replacement ring, your husband could present you with an anniversary/birthday/love ring, but I would keep looking for your originals.

        Check your insurance to see if it covers lost jewelry.

        1. I hate coming up with usernames*

          Silicone just isn’t really my style. I did check with insurance, but our deductible is $2500 and the rings aren’t worth that much, so no value in filing a claim.

          1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

            A stainless steel ring? Inexpensive, looks like real metal because it is, hard to damage, and the metaphor is pretty good too. I’d love to have a marriage like stainless steel, strong and rustproof.

    5. Texan In Exile*

      I lost my keys once – I never lose things! Never! – and it turned out there was a small hole in the liner of my purse and the keys had gone through that hole. Is that a possibility with your rings? (I hope so!)

    6. Double A*

      This is a bummer. My first thought was the lining of the purse.

      If you do replace them, do they have to be with an equivalently expensive set? Maybe think of it as your post-parental wedding ring that’s a little more no-nonsense. I have a simple gold band that cost about $200. You could get it engraved to personalize it. Bonus: guaranteed to fit!

    7. Pennalynn Lott*

      Don’t give up hope! I lost an amethyst bracelet once and, years later, found it in a weird nook in an old computer bag. It must’ve fallen off when I was rummaging for a pen or adapter or whatever thing I was looking for.

      I also lost a really expensive emerald bracelet on a day when I had gone to several locations all over town. I contacted all the locations and no bracelet had been turned in. A month or so later I dropped a credit card between the seat of my car and then center console. I had to pretzel-ize myself into a weird shape to be able to see where it had fallen and — lo and behold! — there was my emerald bracelet!!

      OH — and I also lost a dangly emerald earring between my house and my next-door neighbor’s house. As in, we all remembered me having both earrings on when I left her house (because they sparkled in her patio lights) but by the time I made it to my closet to take my jewelry off one earring was gone. I found the earring in [flimsy, not tightly-closed] a styrofoam takeout food container IN THE FRIDGE a few weeks later when I went to throw that food out. That’s when I remembered that I’d brought home leftovers from my neighbor’s house and put the food away before heading to my closet. The earring must’ve fallen out when I bent over to put the container on the bottom shelf.

      Just keep saying to yourself: “It’s gotta be here *somewhere*,” and try not to get too down on yourself between now and when it turns up again.

      [I hardly ever wear bracelets anymore. The stress of losing the emerald bracelet was too much for me. Now I only wear them on special occasions, not when I lugging a backpack and/or computer bag in and out of my car, home, and office every day.]

    8. Not So NewReader*

      My grandfather had a saying that he used for lost things. Go back to where you know you had it last. And try to go forward from there. If your work has a lost and found check there. If you went to any stores check there. Try to park in the same spots, if this applicable to your story.

      (My friend found his wallet this way. It was ON the ground OVERNIGHT at the mall!! It was right beside the wallet of an older lady he had exchanged pleasantries with. He went back to where he had parked the night before. And there was his wallet on the ground. He then notice a second wallet. He opened her wallet, realized it was her, found her address and drove the wallet to her house two towns away. She was just as shocked as my friend. She told him she thought her wallet was gone forever. This stuff happens.)

      Another thing I would be tempted to try is to put two coins into that same pocket of my purse. Then go about your normal routines, but take note of how you toss your purse and note if/when the coins come out. Think about places where you may have made a similar tossing gesture and check those places.

      1. valentine*

        Go back to where you know you had it last. And try to go forward from there.
        When I dropped an earring, I’d drop the other one and see where it bounced. Put similar items in that pocket and retrace your steps.

  39. Victoria, Please*

    Update on earthquake readiness from last week: First, thanks everyone for the encouragement!

    I have: 12 gallons of water, 24 MREs, several flashlights, a couple of LED lanterns, a crank radio, an aquafilter straw, a wrench to turn off the water and gas, lots of batteries, and a teeny spirit stove (still need to get the fuel, man that stuff is hard to find).

    I have: packs in both cars with some water, hats, shoes, clif bars, and basic bandages etc. I have one in my office too.

    I have: uploaded scans of all the really important documents to Lastpass and have the originals in a fireproof box.

    I have: an excel file with all our account information, also uploaded to Lastpass. I plan to print out pages and put them in a notebook or folder in the fireproof box.

    I have: emergency meeting and communication plans written up, printed out, and placed in each car pack and my office pack, also on the side of the refrigerator and in the closet where the water and such is stored.

    Left to do: We have an appointment with an attorney to make sure our trust (we live in CA so it’s better than just a will due to tax issues even if you don’t own a whole lot), medical directives, etc., are in order. We need to tell my husband’s grown daughter, his brother, and my sister about all this Just In Case. I need to put clothes changes in the car packs. I still need to secure that bookshelf to the wall. If I really get inspired, I have always wanted to make myself a home-made solar cooker out of a cardboard box, so this would be a great opportunity, chuckle!

    Can anyone think of anything else…?

    1. Em*

      Wow! That’s an impressive list and I am taking notes. I personally might throw a paper map of the area in there since I am clueless on where anything is without my phone app.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        And not just in 20s. Get a good amount of 5s and 10s. Cash will be king, if the big one happens.
        Let’s hope it doesn’t happen, but it’s best to be prepared. Congrats for all your good work!

    3. Nervous Nellie*

      One thing you might wish to add – get a Quake Buddy. This is a person who does NOT live in your quake zone (ideally, is very, very far away from it), whom you would text in a disaster to let them know you are OK, and whom you would then ask to text any friends/family who would want to know. In big disasters, often phone lines go down or get overloaded, but generally, texts still go through. You would arrange this beforehand with your Buddy, giving them contact lists, etc.

      I am on the west coast of the US, and some of my family is on the west coast of Canada. We might not be able to contact each other if affected by the same event, but we all have a plan to contact a relative on the east coast who will act as an info clearinghouse in the immediate days after a disaster.

      1. Victoria, Please*

        That would be my sister. I guess I should add my sister-in-law too, as she stays home and my sister literally sails around much of the time (maritime professional).

      2. Acornia*

        I’ll second having someone far away to contact! I was able to do this in 1989 after the Loma Prieta quake. Apparently in their city local phone service was affected (so they had no dial tone and couldn’t place calls) but somehow my calls to them from another state would ring through. I was able to call around to a dozen or so affected family members and let them all know what the situation was with others. Having electricity several states away, I was also able to see the news and update them on that.
        I made three rounds of calls during the first 24 hours after the quake before they had power & phone again themselves.

    4. fposte*

      What are the gallons of water in? I ask because I saw the wonderful suggestion to buy extra supermarket plastic gallons jugs of water in case of emergency, and that is how I found out that they are not designed for long storage and they crack and leak :-(. So 1) don’t do that and 2) if you’re storing it in something else, could you tell me what it is and if you like it, so I can do the same?

      1. Victoria, Please*

        Errrrmmmm…. it’s just the Costco ones. I do plan to review all supplies on July 4 every year. But now that you mention it perhaps I will make sure they are not stacked, at least.

        1. fposte*

          I’d review them more often unless they’re in a big plastic tub or something that can hold water leakage without a problem.

        2. Victoria, Please*

          Looks like these might be good, although pricey:

          www[dot]amazon[dot]com/WaterBrick-Tan-Container-Portable-Stackable

        3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          I used one of the 5 gal water dispenser bottles on a canoeing trip. I think it was less than $10? And really easy to refill wherever you got it. Kind of a pain to get the water out without the dispenser- we used a funnel to pour it into our water bottles. If I did it again I’d figure out something to push into the mouth to hold the rubber gasket open instead of using our fingers. If you aren’t strong, get the 3 gal, which weigh ~25 lbs full instead of ~40. The internet informs me that the bottles are sanitized and reused up to 40 times, so I wouldn’t worry about them breaking down.

      2. Clisby*

        Yeah, one of my hurricane jugs decided to leak water all over my pantry floor months after hurricane season was over. They’re fine for a month or two, but after that maybe just water the plants and get rid of them until next year.

    5. OperaArt*

      I just went through the same exercise. Rope and/or paracord, tarp, work gloves, emergency blanket, waterproof matches, cookware for your little stove.
      If you think you might have to camp out in your yard: tent sleeping bag, solar shower.
      A couple of those big empty buckets with lids you can get at hardware stores.

      1. Victoria, Please*

        Chuckle, it would be the height of irony to have the stove but no spoon, right? I did tuck work gloves in all the packs.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      I have a special wrench to turn off the gas meter. It won’t make a spark like other wrenches.
      You don’t want a spark.

    7. Notthemomma*

      Something to poo and pee into and store until plumbing works. Camping toilet I think is what it’s called?

      1. Alexandra Lynch*

        Best thing for that is two five gallon buckets, a bag of either sawdust or the chipped wood bedding they use for hamsters, two lids for the buckets, and a toilet seat to fit the buckets. Luggable Loo is what I use. Google Humanure for the instructions.

        Before you get all grossed out:
        I lived with my water off and therefore no way to flush the toilet for three months trying to save up money to get the water back on. This works. Does not stink. You occasionally smell wet wood, which is not nasty. In the short term, when you fill a bucket, put the lid on and transport it elsewhere. We ran a compost pile for this, which worked fine. Or, as people have discovered, if you put the lid on and leave it for a year, it will make compost in the bucket.

        It’s much easier to live with than the camping toilets I’ve seen.

    8. Anono-me*

      Do you have some sort of solar or crank charger for your cell phone? ( Friends got trapped behind prairie fire for several days with no power and no way to charge their phone. It was very stressful for everyone.)

      Baby wipes and bleach wipes. (3ish days without running water.)

      Multitool.

      Good walking shoes with socks, especially in the cars.( Our kit uses older shoes with about 20-25% of their useful life left )

      Did you include copies of your ids and a list of people’s mailing addresses in the documents that you scanned? (If your ID goes missing, a copy will be helpful for some things. If the disaster damages infrastructure and phones, you can reconnect with friends by postal mail. )

      Since we like carbonated water, we just have a lot of plain canned carbonated water and a few gallon jugs of water that we rotate. We also have an old school water heater. You can buy bathtub water bladders too. It’s like a big water balloon that sits in your bathtub. When a disaster happens you set it up and fill it up.

    9. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’m keeping an eye on the summer clearance sales to get one of those metal fire bowls for the yard to keep with my emergency stuff. I have an outdoor fireplace with a chimney, but I am pretty sure it’ll crumble in a major earthquake (reinforcing it is not a priority due to its location within the yard – maybe someday but I have bigger fish to fry) and I’d like something I can cook in using wood without worrying about the fire spreading. Camp stoves are all well and good as long as you have fuel for them, but I have both intentional firewood already and, in the event of a major earthquake, may also have other wooden things that are only useful for firewood at that point depending on the amount of damage.

      If you don’t have one of those cell phone charger pack batteries, I recommend getting one or two of those. Not only will they charge your phone for you if they happen to be charged when you need them, they are also something you can leave wherever your source of power is to recharge without worrying about leaving your phone there. (So, for example, if you are in a shelter somewhere with a some wall outlets everyone is sharing to charge their phones, you can charge your powerpack instead, then use it to charge your phone in your purse rather than leave your phone there unsupervised to charge or sit there for hours. Sure, someone may steal your powerpack, but that’s a smaller risk to take than a phone.)

      For clothes, an extra set or two of underwear and socks is always a welcome addition. I also keep a full set of warm fleece pajamas in a size large enough to wear over my regular clothes in my car in the winter months in case I need an extra warm layer (they are so cheap to buy during the pre-Christmas sales and very, very warm).

      1. Victoria, Please*

        Solar/hand crank radio also has a USB port for cell phone charging. We do have a fire pit thing that my husband bought in a fit of romantic intentions, but since I refuse to be bothered with it, it’s never been used, ha!

    10. Tea and Sympathy*

      The Japanese government recommends a helmet or something to protect your head. Also, just to keep in mind, just in case, the communications systems went down after the big earthquake here, but even when people could no longer call or email, they were able to send messages on Facebook for a while longer. So, portable battery charger for cell phone.

      1. Avasarala*

        Seconding look at what the Japanese recommend. There are a lot of things I wouldn’t have thought of that they have ready-made in kits. Plastic bag toilet, water purifier, body wipes, instant food that heats up and cooks with just water (enough for 3+ days for each person), extra shoes/sneakers in your car/workplace, clothing changes (3days/person), menstrual products, extra batteries (with chargers for all your key devices), candles/matches/flashlights/standing lights, full first-aid kit with bandages and Advil and any other medications you regularly take. What if it happens in winter? Emergency blanket and hand warmers.

        Basically the line to survive until you are rescued is 3 days, so mentally walk through 3 days of your life and think about what you might need for basics. Then think about what if you have no power, no water, no heat/A/C. What if you are injured, what if your building is damaged and you have to evacuate. What if it happens when you are at work or at home or on the road. What if you are cooking and something catches fire. What in your house could fall over if the building shakes. Etc.

    11. NoLongerYoung*

      I wish I could hire you to do the checklist for me.
      You could get a side gig doing this, you know? Work up a checklist, have folks select the items they need, pay you, you assemble and bring over, and then you have a built in clientele to follow up with and rotate?
      I need to do it, but have not at this house. (I was in Loma Prieta). Seriously, if you need any kind of side gig at all, this would be a great one.

      It’s entirely one thing to “order” a backpack from costco or somewhere that has “some” stuff. It’s entirely another – and quite valuable – to have a tailor made one for you (dog, special food, sealed in vacuum seal, check. Cat, check. etc). And someone to do it for you.

      If folks will pay $40 just to have groceries delivered, this would be a very valuable service.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        The follow-ups to rotate stuff would be particularly useful. I’m thinking I need to have a chart, probably on my fridge, of when everything with less than a 10 year expiration date goes bad so I can be better about pulling supplies out and into the general rotation rather than just going through and tossing expired things.

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        And to add to your point about backpacks, some of those filled ’emergency kit backpacks’ weigh around 20-25 pounds. A gallon of milk is about 9 pounds, and a lot of folks can’t even lift that. Those with any physical needs or mobility issues might save money by buying the items singly, and packing them into two lighter bags. My elderly folks did that, and made two lightweight ‘bug out’ bags each.

  40. MOAS*

    any natural ways to reduce/navigate anxiety? I started taking xanax last year on an occasional basis. I ran out 2 months ago and finally going to the dr to renew my rx. So, still another 1-2 weeks before I get medicine. I’m also going to talk to them about the ADD I’ve been feeling. I see my therapist on Monday but he says he does not prescribe medication. So let’s see, fingers crossed.

    2. Christmas*

      I have an anxiety disorder too, but I am currently weaning off of my meds (batten down the hatches!) in preparation for family planning, so I’m also working on natural ways to reduce anxiety.
      I already keep a journal where I was things that I want to accomplish each day, as well as things that help me de-stress. It worked a little bit. But then a few weeks ago I started a “bullet journal” (you may have seen online articles about it, especially on Buzzfeed). At first, I laughed at the idea that I could create an adorable little hand-designed journal and maintain it. But it’s actually been incredibly helpful. I have a page listing everything I can do to de-stress (ranging from a beach day, to a sunset neighborhood walk, to dancing around my living room, or a hot bath).

      Another page is a mood-tracker (month at a glance). But the one I refer to and use the most is my Habit Tracker. (You can Google examples of bullet journal habit tracker pages. It’s just a grid.)

      This has incredibly helped me manage my anxiety because I can look at my week or month at a glance, and immediately see if I have lapsed in being active, or not been drinking enough water, or consuming too much coffee, or not keeping up with my house chores regularly. One of the rows that I’ve labeled for my monthly habits just says “happy activity“ which means that I’ve done at least one activity from my “de-stress list” each day. Tracking my habits helps me feel accomplished, as well as motivates me to go do something that can further fill up that column each day, and it helps me notice negative trends. My life feels 10 times more together, and because I’m consciously tracking my habits, every day I’m doing things that benefit me physically and emotionally.

      Sorry this is so long, or worded on clearly. Are we allowed to exchange email addresses here? I wish I could email you a picture of what my pages look like. But you can Google it also. Think about it!

    4. Blythe*

      I have heard (read?) that chamomile can help. I don’t know if this is true or not, but drinking large amounts of chamomile tea (~6 cups a day) seems to help me. That might be because of the chamomile, or it might be because I find drinking tea to be soothing in and of itself. Worth a try, though, maybe?

      1. Reba*

        Chamomile does actually contain a mild sedative! Ditto linden flower tea if you can get it. These are definitely not substitutes for xanax, but just chiming in to say there *is* something to that tea.

    5. anon for this one post*

      I have a simple note taking app on my phone where I write down whatever I’m anxious about and then I work on that and for example write down why it’s nothing to fear or what I’d like to think or feel or do instead of my anxious thoughts. And when I feel I’ve chewed on a thought long enough, I delete the note and it feels really good and usually the thought leaves me alone for a while.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My wise friend said to work out a plan for what I will do if Worry become Reality.
        This is not always possible, but it is possible to come up with pieces of ideas that can be useful . And it is a good way to channel extra energy.

    6. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Have you tried Benadryl? It’d often used for anxiety as a first line kind of OTC option. I used to self medicate with it as a teen. Just mostly to sleep it off but years later had friends who were told to try it by their docs. Lots of docs refuse to give Xanex anymore.

      1. Clisby*

        I was about to suggest this, and then thought maybe I was just being weird. I didn’t know it could help with anxiety, but for me, it can really help with sleep.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      Exercise – the more vigorous, the better. This can really help with everything.
      Of all the things I’ve tried, exercise is the best and most effective. (not that I’m thrilled about it)
      Good luck. You’re already on a good path.

      1. Alpha Bravo*

        Agree! My first go-to was always mucking stalls; might as well put that adrenaline overload to practical use. Also agree with Becky Lynch, my next line of defense would be Benadryl (also a better option for panic attacks that wake one in the middle of the night). My doc will still prescribe Xanax if I ask, but I think a big part of that is I use it very sparingly, so those asks are rare. This class of drug is habit forming and its effectiveness diminishes with frequent use. So it’s great you’re looking at alternatives, whether or not it’s available as a backup.

    8. Buzzbattlecat*

      Iodine (from iodised salt) helps with impulse control. Vit D and magnesium for mood stability. Exercise and a dedicated bedtime routine.
      All that said, I’m on mirtazepine and probably will be for life, it’s like being a whole new person for me.

    9. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      Natural Calm! It’s a magnesium drink and very effective. Start off with 1 teaspoon dissolved in water every morning and evening and keep increasing until you find the right dosage for you (up until 2 – 2 and 1/2 tablespoons). But watch out! If you go over board it makes you need the bathroom instantly. On that note, it’s actually great for constipation as well.
      You could also try increasing your zinc, either through supplements or y putting pumpkin seeds on everything.

    10. Llama Face!*

      Things that have helped me with my depression/anxiety combo:
      -Firstly, trying to catch symptoms early (ex. noticing I get this weird face twitch when I’m starting to feel overwhelmed) so I can avert the meltdown before it picks up speed.
      -Music. I found certain cello music to be really calming and for a while I had a mp3* player & earbuds I would pop in whenever I needed to bring myself back to a calmer place.
      -Bananas every day. Weird I know, but I was getting this recurring tic (which was prob stress/anxiety related) and the potassium seemed to help. Mebbe a placebo effect but meh?
      -Scheduling weekends to myself. My friends and family know I get a no-social-expectations weekend once a month on a regular basis. This is maintenance so I have more emotional energy to deal with life stress (including anxiety) the rest of the time.
      -ASMR to sleep. Someone here introduced the topic of ASMR videos on youtube and they are so useful in helping me shut down my mental chatter so I can sleep.
      -Drinking herbal tea. Mother’s Little Helper from David’s Tea and Licorice Spice from Stash are two I find very soothing. Just drinking it slowly and noticing the feeling of the warm steam on my face is very tension relieving.
      -Cognitive Behaviour Therapy also was really helpful to me.

      *This was in ye olden days when not everybody had smartphones

    12. Alexandra Lynch*

      I make lists of what to do and all sorts of stuff because that way I don’t have to try to remember it, and that makes the anxiety about the ADHD settle down.

      I’ve long redirected anxiety of the “what if X happens” into, “Okay, what if it does. What would I need? What would I want to have planned and ready?” And that has solved everything from “Baby spit up all the way down the back of my shirt (I had a plain black tee in the diaper bag) to “You have ten minutes. Your husband is being moved from the local ER to the specialty hospital an hour away. What do you need to be able to stay with him and not be a problem to anyone?” (I had four packed bags, one the one I grabbed for ER visits, and three that stayed under the bed until I had to run home and put food and water out for the cats and get them and go.)

  41. Ali*

    Does anyone listen to the “This Is Uncomfortable” podcast from Marketplace? I just listened to the College Fund episode and WOW. I was 100% on the side of the daughter. I can’t find anywhere online that is discussing it but it was such a doozy!

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I just listened to it because I really wanted to find out if it was a doozy, and boy…it’s a tricky one.

      I definitely get the daughter’s side. That money was for her college education, and she built her plans around it. I don’t get the father saying that “I thought she knew”. It was clear that he knew what he was doing, and yes, he took the money to pay for bills and food and stuff, but he could have told her. The fact that he didn’t is probably a cause of the larger hurt as well. It doesn’t help that the sister got her college fund intact whilst she had to hustle.

      Then again, I also understand the father’s thought process. He needed money to pay bills to keep a roof over their heads, and I can definitely see how he got from A to B. His problem was the fact that he didn’t tell the daughter what he had done until the very last minute. She was literally filling out the financial aid form when he told her, which is far too late.

      1. Ali*

        Yes, I totally get everything you are saying here. For me there were a few extra problems in addition to his saying “I thought she knew.” There was the part where he said he wanted to maintain their standard of living (not his exact words) and then he goes “well she wouldn’t have had a phone and a car if I didn’t do it.” WHAT? I mean, I understand that in rural TX having a car might be considered more of a necessity than in my suburban town…but still! That was a definite example where you talk it through with your daughter before making that choice on her behalf. There was also the part where he admitted he didn’t want to work a low-paying job, so he just…didn’t work that whole time? At least 4 years since I think he became unemployed when she was 14? It sounds like he did not try to find work very hard, because he only wanted to work at something as prestigious and well-paying as his former job. I’m not a parent, but I think in those situations if there are not other barriers to your working, then you just get the job you can and work, rather than drawing down your child’s college fund.

        Basically, if you are going to make the financial choice to drawn down from your child’s educational fund, there are a LOT more hoops you need to jump through first; including trying very hard to find another source of income, considering moving, and as you point out, communicating with your kid!

        I’m not sure why this episode outraged me so much. On the face of it, choosing to use an available source of funding to raise a child and having trouble telling them because you know they will be upset is pretty understandable. But for some reason, it just hit me as outrageously unjust (the same way it did her.)

        1. Clisby*

          I hadn’t listened to this, but from the comments, I’m confused about one thing. It sounds like there were college funds for 2 kids. The parent took money out of one for needed expenses. So why not transfer some of the money from kid #2s college fund to kid #1’s fund? At least in SC, you can do that.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            Kid 1 was 10 years older, I think, so they went to college at vastly different times.

        2. Foreign Octopus*

          Yeah, I caught your first point as well. I’m pretty sure she would have been fine without a phone and a car if she knew it was coming out of her college fund, and you’re right, he could have got a job but it sounds like he didn’t want to work something that he viewed as beneath him.

          It didn’t quite outrage me as much as the daughter (obviously) but it’s still an awful thing to do. I feel so sorry for the caught because it sounds like she’s really having trouble moving past what he did and that hurts.

          Like the interviewer pointed out at the end, this seems to be a symptom of other problems on top of the college fund. If it was just one thing, maybe she wouldn’t still be holding on as tightly to it, but it really does seem like there were a number of other I dealt with issues as well.

          1. Ali*

            Yes, I thought the daughter’s comment at the end that she probably would have had problems arise in some other way if not the fund was quite self-aware.

          2. Dan*

            Re: other issues.

            Yeah, if there are other, less “concrete” things going on/went on, then the college fund issue is always going to appear to be a bigger deal than it otherwise may be. The other things bothering kid #2 may be hard to pin down or claim a moral high ground over, so kid #2 throws all the emotional energy she has at the thing she *can* claim the moral high ground on. Ask me how I know.

      2. Dan*

        Not having listened to the podcast and going off only what I can pick up here, I *can* say that when someone’s argument is “I *thought* blah blah blah…” that person has more likely than not “lost” the argument.

        If pops told Kid #2 that the college fund was gone/dwindled at the time it happened/when kid #2 was old enough to “get it”, pops would be on solid ground. But “I thought she knew” over something quite significant? Oh hell no.

        When there’s no money, there’s no money, and that’s life. But young people’s reasoning skills (and emotions) are all that well developed at those ages, and I’m not sure there’s any good way to handle it if Kid #1 gets something substantial and due to life circumstances, Kid #2 does not. It comes up with “wedding funds” from time to time, too. Granted, for weddings, peeps may be a bit older and in theory more mature, but somethings are just tough.

        My “what somebody else got and I didn’t” did involve a car and college. I went to school out of state, and my parents picked up my plane tickets for holidays. My younger brother went to school in state, and my parents… gave him a car and paid for his cell phone bill. My dad tried to justify it in terms of “we got you home for holidays, this is how he gets home”> Apparently the car was also pretty old at the time, dad said the car value and the plane tickets were roughly the same. While I’ve long gotten over it, to this day, I do think that anybody who equates a car for a young adult with plane tickets needs a knock up side the head.

        1. Ali*

          Oof. That’s rough. I can relate – when I graduated my parents bought me a flip phone; when my brother graduated they gave him their old very-good-condition car. There were other factors at play of course (#family) and my parents have NOT been stingy…but that did sting.

  42. Kali*

    I did another surprise holiday this year! Basically, you pay a company to book it, and they book flights and accommodation, and you find out where you’re going at the airport. Since I’m British, it can be anywhere in Europe except the UK or Ireland, which does not require a visa. Last year, it was Hamburg. This year it was Split, in Croatia. I’d never considered Croatia before – because I don’t know anything about it, and the language looks hard – but it was amazing. On a peninsula, so beaches everywhere with crystal clear waters. We literally walked out of the airport, headed towards the sea, and were enjoying cocktails on the beach in 15 minutes flat. It’s the second most popular tourist town in Croatia, and Croatian TV tends to sub rather than dub so literally everyone we met spoke excellent English, but it wasn’t yet popular enough to be overrun. Everything was really cheap. And the history! The old town is built on the remains of Diocletian’s tomb, Diocletian being the Roman Emperor from 284-305 Common Era. You can go right down into his tomb, since his remains were removed and replaced with that of Christian Martyrs a few hundred years later (running the Christians out of Rome was the one thing he attempted and failed at). A cathedral was built around 11CE, and you can go right into the bell tower, which looks out over the whole town and the sea. We’ve got a friend obsessed with Ancient Rome, so we just kept sending him pictures to make him sick with jealousy. They have some guys dressed in full centurion gear hanging out around Diocletian’s tomb, ready for pics. Most of the buildings have been repaired rather than rebuilt over the last few millennia, so the architecture is amazing. Apparently some of Game of Thrones was filmed there, which makes sense – we don’t watch, but we saw lots of posters and a little museum.

      1. Bibliovore*

        OMG. This would be on the list of “that will never happen,” But now I am interested in going to Croatia.

      1. Kali*

        I was so nervous the first time. I booked it because I’d just read an article on them, and my bf had recently broken up with me, so I wanted to do something really fun and different. I was scared about going somewhere where I didn’t speak the language, but it was fine. Luckily, I ended up in Hamburg on that first trip, and I speak enough tourist-German – and they spoke enough English – to get by. This surprise trip was a present for the bf – we got back together after working through our issues, and now we’re planning to get engaged next February – and it was a really fun thing to do together, especially with going somewhere neither of us had even considered before.

        1. misspiggy*

          Would you mind sharing the name of the company? Thus sounds like my ideal thing to do ever.

          1. Kali*

            Not at all! It was Sprs.me. I only didn’t share before because I figured most commenters are American and it wouldn’t be much use. Also, didn’t want to sound like an advert.

            I read about it in a Cosmo article, in which they tried a few other companies as well. Iirc, wowcher/groupon sometimes do surprise UK-only daytrips.

    4. The New Wanderer*

      I totally want to do this! Split was featured in this past season of (US) Amazing Race, which is the only reason I’ve heard of it. It sounds like a very cool adventure!

  43. Jessen*

    Ok I need some ADHD help here. What I’m looking for is basically someone I can work with who can go over organizational and focus strategies with me, preferably someone who could actually come into my apartment and see what I’m dealing with. Basically I feel like I’m hitting a case where all I’ve ever learned in terms of how to actually manage my life is one way of doing things – a way that doesn’t work for me and frankly didn’t work for the person teaching me either. But I feel overwhelmed and frustrated trying to pick things off of blogs and other resources, especially since so much of it seems to have the “don’t make excuses” or “just get it done” attitude that I find really unhelpful.

    But I’m not sure where to look for something like that. I almost feel like I need to hire a mother.

    1. Book Lover*

      A therapist :). One who specializes in ADHD rather than couples counseling or whatever.

      1. Jessen*

        I’ve been looking, but all I’m seeing that therapists do for ADHD is cognitive behavioral therapy for associated anxiety. I do NOT do cognitive behavioral therapy; I think it’s been responsible for the continuing encouragement of a lot of the problems in my life. Plus it’s not directly addressing the symptoms or skills; it’s addressing potential negative feelings about using them. When I did talk to someone briefly I was explicitly told that therapy does not and cannot do what I’m looking for and that I need someone who works with organization and time management and not a therapist.

    2. fposte*

      It looks like there’s something called an ADHD coach that might be closer to what you’re looking for–the CHADD site and the Additude site have information about them.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      You want an ADHD coach, or if you want to focus primarily on your living space, a professional organizer who knows a lot about ADHD.

      Check out the YouTube channel “clutterbug”. She has an interesting approach to setting up home systems based on how visually-oriented you are, versus label-oriented, and whether you do better with macro or micro sorting. It’s not going to solve everything, but it’s a useful way to start thinking of different approaches based on your temperament and way of processing stuff.

    4. Koala dreams*

      I think an occupational therapist with experience in ADHD and/or other neuropsychological problems could be helpful to you. They can help with strategies. Even though it says occupational, the therapist I saw was more helpful for home stuff, not work stuff.

      In general, I feel the important thing is that you find a therapist that listens and can adapt the therapy to what you need. Sometimes it doesn’t work out with a therapist and then you need to find someone else.

    5. Not A Manager*

      There are educational therapists who specialize in executive functioning. You might want to see if one could help you, or could refer you to someone.

      1. Jessen*

        Honestly I’m not that keen on therapy. I’ve had, at this point in my life, 9 different therapists, and have yet to see a benefit of a single one. Much of therapy’s been pretty destructive to me. I basically had to fight with therapists to get an actual ADHD screening by an actual psychologist, because my statements about executive functioning issues were being taken as examples of anxiety and low self esteem. And then when treating my anxiety didn’t make them go away I got labelled as “resistant.” (I have some much, much worse stories, too.) So I’m not really keen on the whole model that therapy seems to be working off of, right now. There’s just something about the hour a week model, the one-sided openness, and the expert positioning that I don’t think does well for people like me.

        1. WS*

          Occupational therapists are a bit different – they’re not there to treat or examine the underlying condition, they’re there to help you (as you are) live your life.

          1. RagingADHD*

            Yeah, OT is more similar to physical therapy, or speech therapy.

            It’s not like psychotherapy at all.

        2. Not A Manager*

          Educational therapists help children and adults with things like time/space/materials management. For kids, that would be things like organizing backpacks, notebooks, and desks so that materials don’t get lost and work gets turned in reliably. They can also help kids with things like organizing ideas in written work, or how to approach test-taking.

          I know that some educational therapists work with adults too. Maybe one could be helpful to you in setting up some systems in your household and maintaining them.

  44. Nicki Name*

    Are there any other former Magic: the Gathering players here who gave up on it when it became clear how much money you have to spend to be competitive?

    Can I recommend you KeyForge? It’s basically Richard Garfield’s apology for M:tG. One deck, $10, and no changes to it. If you get bored with it, you buy another deck. Or you can get the starter set with a couple decks and some useful tokens. But it’s not an endless treadmill of money if you don’t want it to be.

    1. Book Lover*

      Cool! I told my son about it, though he loves Magic – got bunches of cards in lots from eBay and shares with his friends.

    2. JediSquirrel*

      Yep. It was fun when the boys were young, and a good way to spend rainy weekends, but it’s basically a card-based heroin habit. They are always releasing new sets with new powers and abilities and if don’t spend $£€ constantly, you’ll never be competitive. It’s a bit of a racket, I feel.

      This is why I play Flux a lot now. It’s not rpg, but it’s never the same game twice. But now I will look into KeyForge. Time to go to the nerd shop today anyway.

    3. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Ooooh, sounds good. I’ll check it out.
      MtG was a great idea and I loved playing it, but when money replaces skill it’s just not interesting anymore.

  45. Penguin*

    Plant thread! How does your garden grow? Which weeds just won’t die? Discuss and commiserate with fellow botanically-inclined folks!

    1. Penguin*

      No more strawberries this season, sadly, but the plants have successfully spread. Thirty-odd plants (I only planted six) have definitely reduced the amount of lawn that needs to be mowed!

      The wisteria has made the front porch delightfully shaded (although the mosquitoes have discovered that too) and the vining hops are on their way to (albeit very early in the process of) covering their trellis.

      Of course, the bindweed is flowering faster than I can find and pull it and the back of the garden has regressed to jungle (as it does every year) but the greenery still beats looking at asphalt!

      How’s everyone else’s gardening going? Thumbs still appropriately green?

    2. fposte*

      It’s been cooler this week, but has that translated into my doing any useful outdoor work? Not really. However, I did spend about 10 minutes on a jungle section of the backyard today, pulling out weeds that have grown over landscape fabric and rooting out volunteer rose of Sharon.

      It’s the late-summer lull on flowering in my garden–most of what I like is early or turns up in fall–but the peach daylilies are still blooming away, and balloonflowers, which are one of my absolute favorites, are blooming. They’d look really good right next to each other, but of course they’re not. Maybe I’ll put in more balloonflower next year to get that to happen.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’m in a private war with bindweed but I hope I will win. We bought our house from elderly people who couldn’t keep up the yard. We have a big bindweed problem around our hostas and a laurel that I am attacking (apparently you have to pull the new shoots for years before it dies).

      We also didn’t realize it and split the hostas last year so now we have some (new) bindweed but that should be easier since it doesn’t have a whole underground system yet.

    4. Lizabeth*

      Rabbits 10, me 0

      The first batch of homemade rabbit repellent hasn’t worked, mainly because the red pepper and garlic powders don’t dissolve in liquid and clogged the sprayer. I used coffee filters and strained the liquid but apparently it’s not strong enough that way. The decimated grasses that were beginning to grow back were chomped down again. Trying a different recipe next – hot sauce and fresh garlic run through the blender and cooked in the sun for a day or so. If that doesn’t work I will go ahead and buy the chemical stuff.

      The vinegar, epsom salt and dish soap is working like a charm on the weeds! Woot!

    5. Jen RO*

      I have always been indifferent (at best) towards plants, but the neighbor is building an attic and he will be able to stare right into our balcony, so boyfriend decided we need plants, preferably climbing. Unfortunately I don’t know all the English names, but we have some morning glory, some fake morning glory (I think it’s called bush morning glory? I thought they were just differently colored flowers, but apparently this type doesn’t climb), two honeysuckles and some other random flowers. So far, we haven’t managed to kill anything and, while they are not flowering yet, the morning glories are up, up and away on the balcony net! (We have a net to keep the cats from jumping off.)

      I am thoroughly impressed at us for keeping everything alive for 2 whole. months.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I’m starting to get a few ripe tomatoes. I always get dead leaves on them. It’s hard to grow them in pots, but harder still to keep weeds out in the back yard, which is ridiculously fertile.

    7. Loves Libraries*

      My husband and I went to Savannah on a business trip. Left my college graduate son instructions on how to care for the dog and plants. Dog and houseplants are fine. Garden didn’t get watered. And we live in Georgia. Had a wonderful time on the trip.

    8. Blue Eagle*

      – Tomatoes are going great guns – particularly the cherry tomatoes.
      – Swiss chard and greens continue to be eaten by the bunnies. Am on third planting and trying a new strategy so hopefully I’ll have some really late chard.
      – White-flowered clover in lawn will not stop spreading. Any help anyone has to offer on getting rid of them is greatly appreciated.
      – Am finally pulling out all of the goldenrod – which spread throughout the flower beds. They are a weed as far as the garden is concerned.

    9. DietCokeHead*

      We munched our veggie garden this year and it was the best decision ever. The purslane that had taken over last year was kept down to a manageable level by the mulch. I’ve been knocking back some bindweed too. We harvested radishes, which because we planted them late, were hot which is how I like a radish. The rest of the veggies have been enjoying the heat and I hope to get some tomatoes soon.

      We redid part of our front landscaping this year and everything is still alive thus far. We planted some asters which have gotten very tall and I need to get out there and stake them up.

    10. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’m starting to wonder how I’ll know when the grapes are ready. They’re very clearly Not Ready Yet, but last year I sort of forgot to pay attention by the time they actually got ripe and forgot to harvest them, so I’m trying not to drop that ball this year. I also should probably deal with the roses again – I haven’t had time to deadhead them regularly this year so they’re starting to look a bit ragged.

      The war against blackberry vines continues. I don’t think it’s actually a winnable war, but containment may be possible. Hopefully I can put in a few hours tomorrow on vine removal and other assorted removal of unwanted greenery. I feel like most of what I do in the yard is get rid of plants. Maybe next year I’ll actually get some kind of planting going on too, but there’s just so much in the way of unwanted greenery to battle.

      I also need to find an arborist. I have one or two trees that even I can tell are unhealthy, and I suspect that a trained arborist may notice more with issues, too. I also hope to get advice on how to prune the healthy ones appropriately because I know nothing about landscape trees and how to keep them civilized yet healthy. (At one point many years ago I learned how to graft fruit trees as part of a high school class, but that is so not my current problem.)

    11. Alpha Bravo*

      My garden grows just fine but dear God, the weeds. I mean, I don’t just have weeds, I have massive banks of 8’ tall aggressive, militant weeds on steroids that will CUT you! I have blackberry, I have burdock, thistle, teasel, and of course armies of stinging nettles. New this year is buffalobur nightshade, a weird plant I had to look up. And those are just the ones that will hurt you, lol.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I have Jimsonweed, a member of the nightshade family, in the field out back and the flowers are beautiful when they bloom.

        1. Alpha Bravo*

          I noticed the buffalobur because it was blooming. Yellow flowers the color of squash blossoms. Pretty, but spines all over, even on the leaves. Bittersweet nightshade grows profusely here (PNW) but this is new. I had some sand and gravel delivered for my paddock and suspect it snuck in that way.

      2. fposte*

        I just looked it up, and it looks quite wicked.

        It’s always kind of interesting how there seem to be weed trends–one year I’ll be drowning in lamb’ quarters, another year it’s violets everywhere.

    12. The Other Dawn*

      I got my first few picking cucumbers so I made refrigerator pickles. Wow, what a difference from store-bought pickles–those things will put hair on the chest! Green beans are starting to come in, tomatoes are still green, but I have a fair amount of them, the radishes seem almost ready, the herbs are going crazy (they’re ornamental at this point since there’s way more than I can use, probably for the whole summer), Swiss chard is doing great, and the jalapenos and habaneros are multiplying.

    13. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      The brambles are loving the hot weather. I let them flower for the benefit of the bees and butterflies, and they have masses of berries on them now. I already picked several pints and put them in the freezer, and there are still more ready to go. After they are done I will cut them back to the fence again. They are horrible plants, because they have nasty thorns and they grow like crazy, but I’ve been systematically spraying them with weed killer for three years now and I have only reduced them. The fence between us and the neighbour is extremely rickety and he has two big dogs (I think they are Staffordshire Terriers, aka pit bulls) that he has told me are not good with people, so I keep some of the brambles growing against the fence as a kind of extra reinforcement. (Side note: I like dogs in general and don’t have an automatic problem with certain breeds, but when the owner tells you that their dogs are not friendly I believe them).

      I have a zucchini in a pot but it is not being very impressive. So far I have had one 2″ zucchini. I got started late this year after some foxes knocked over and dug up my first attempts, so nothing is very spectacular. I’m going up to the other house in a couple of days and hopefully I will find that the beans, corn, etc I planted out two weeks ago has survived!

  46. Book Lover*

    It is good that you are going to see your therapist. It sounds like you have a lot of negative self talk and catastrophizing that isn’t healthy. Maybe family or couples therapy would be a good idea also. Seems like these issues have been going on a long time, from prior posts, so that can be very tiring.

  47. Christmas*

    I’ve gone through a similar situation. You are not a crappy person! I repeat, you are not a crappy person! You’re doing the best you can.
    Your mom sounds a lot like the family member that I was taking care of. My grandma sometimes said very hurtful or a rational things, and it felt like a punch in the stomach. But I know that she was hurting a lot; things going on in her body just felt strange and uncomfortable, and she was scared. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it might explain it. Sometimes people take the worst out on those who they feel are safe.

    You may have already been asked this, but is there any other family that can pitch in at all with her care or transportation?

    Also, regarding your husband, it’s understandable that both of you will need times to vent. Have you talked to him about his coming home yelling and ranting, and how bad it makes you feel? He might could use a reminder that you’re on the same team, you share frustration, and you’re happy to listen to him vent and even vent with him, but without the yelling and certainly not directed at you.

    2. WellRed*

      I know this is a nesting fail, but I saw the original post and would like to agree here, with the comments on the husband who is frankly being a jerk. Tell him how much you dread coming home and that you’d like to disappear. You need a safe space (lack of a better word) too, and you’re not getting it.

  48. ConcernedDaughter*

    Do a lot of women compulsively buy bath and beauty products? Over the past few months, I noticed my mom is constantly trying new hair products (as an example, she bought 5 new shampoos in the past month), she buys new body washes even though she already has a shelf full of body wash products, is constantly buying make-up in stores and online, and she even subscribes to something where she gets sent a bag of random makeup each month. She’s “senior citizen” age, so I’m wondering if she’s just having a “later life” crisis and is trying to look younger? If this is a hobby type thing? Or should I be concerned? I don’t wear makeup and just use a cheap shampoo on my hair, so it seems excessive to me, but maybe this is normal? (I think it’s also concerning to me because she complains about having too much stuff and is constantly “organizing,” so it’s weird that she’s now hoarding all this bath and beauty stuff, and also buying containers to store it all in.)

    1. Christmas*

      My mom, who is becoming elderly, does just about the exact same thing. I think it’s a combination of things. She suddenly has a huge interest in health and beauty products, and she often talks about wanting to take some years off or laments about how much she has aged. More notably, being a single older woman living alone, I sometimes think she gets bored and even *depressed*.

      Buying things makes her happy and gives her instant gratification. Money burns a hole in her pocket. Instead of saving it or putting it towards retirement, she blows it on trinkets and health/beauty supplies. My sister and I had an intervention after we discovered she was getting SIX different subscription boxes (totaling over $300 per month)!! She admitted that getting these things in the mail I was like getting a surprise gift, and that it lifted her spirits. After canceling the subscription boxes, she has started counseling.

      I hope your mom does not get to that point. But definitely keep an eye it; this is indeed concerning. I don’t even buy five shampoos in a *year*, much less a month! She may be experiencing anxiety or sadness, and be treating it with that gratification of shopping. Do you have any siblings or other family members that you can talk about this with? Please update! Wishing you well!

      1. ConcernedDaughter*

        SIX subscription boxes!? Wow! I’m glad your mom canceled them and is getting counseling. I thought my mom was buying excessively, but I see there’s room for her to get worse now.

        She mentioned feeling sad and “out of sorts” one day recently. She said she felt better the next day, but maybe boredom or depression is an issue now. I’ll have to make sure to start checking in on her emotional/mental well-being.

        I don’t think my sibling or father could help. My mom has been overweight for a few decades, and has only started losing weight this past year. They blamed me for not forcing her to start exercising or give up junk food, as if her weight was my responsibility. I tried to be supportive in helping her live healthier, but you can’t force someone to make life changes!

        1. Christmas*

          Oh no, that’s worrisome that your mom has been feeling sad and out of sorts. Even if she has days where she feels better, it could still be an issue of depression. The tricky thing that I’ve found in my experience with depression is that you sometimes don’t realize when you’re in it, because from the inside, it looks like “reality.” The excessive spending/splurging plus her comments may mean that she is struggling. Thank goodness you’ve noticed and are keeping an eye on it!! (I sure wish I noticed what was going on with my mom before her subscriptions racked up that high!) For my mom, all the shopping became a comfort substitution. I realized I don’t really spend any time with her, and my sister lives out of town and doesn’t come by often either. My mom is in a “group” counseling now and she seems to be gaining a lot from it.

          You’re absolutely right that you can’t force someone to make healthy changes! Does your sibling stay involved in your mom’s life? That would be way more helpful than lecturing you!

    2. WellRed*

      Does she read a lot of magazines that
      Might be touting products she then thinks she wants?

      1. ConcernedDaughter*

        She actually started watching YouTube beauty vloggers a lot a few months ago (she sometimes watches for a few hours a day). She sometimes mention she bought Product X because Vlogger Y spoke highly of it, so that might be fueling her excessive buying.

        I had suggested she start limiting how much YouTube she watches since she sometimes complains about not being “productive,” but she got defensive about how she enjoys them. I wonder if she’s “addicted” to them.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Can you get her ‘addicted’ to something else instead? Like true crime podcasts? Then you only have to worry about being murdered in your sleep ;)

          I would suggest one or two small subscription services if you think she would stick to it. I like Sephora – only $10 a month.

          I think these vloggers are her ‘friends’ and it makes her feel closer to them when she buys the products they recommend. Not sure what to recommend. Can you total how much she spends a month? Is she outspending her budget and therefore running herself out of money she needs to last the rest of her life?

          Good luck.

    3. fposte*

      There are tons of people who do this. Websites like MakeUp Alley are filled with them.

      What I’d wonder about in your mom’s case is that it sounds like it could be a recent change. I might raise that with her–“I don’t remember you doing beauty stuff like this before, Mom. Is it new? Tell me what you like about it.” However, if she’s happy doing it and she has the finances to cover it (two reasonably sized “if”s), there are worse ways to entertain herself.

      1. ConcernedDaughter*

        I’m honestly not sure about the financial aspect. As far as I know, she should have enough money to make fun purchases once in a while, but she’s not rolling in money so I don’t know at what point it would become detrimental. It certainly seems like a lot of money since some of it is $20 or $30 dollars or more for one product, which would add up quickly. Is there a non-invasive way to ask parents about their spending habits?

        1. fposte*

          Probably not a non-invasive way. Is she saving for retirement or retired, or is this a household where that’s your dad’s area? I also think you want to avoid taking on the role of family fixer here, since it sounds like that might be an expectation, so you might actually be better off not knowing. If she’s piling up credit card debt from this, for instance, your knowing about it isn’t likely to stop it.

          1. ConcernedDaughter*

            She’s been a “homemaker” since she got married, so not really retired or saving for retirement, but my father is retired (he works a very part-time job to keep busy). I know that (at least before now) she always paid off her credit card balance each month, though even if she’s paying it off every month that wouldn’t mean she isn’t spending beyond her means.

            You’re right, I don’t want to be the designated family fixer! I’ll just focus on the “are you feeling okay lately?” and “I’ve noticed this big change recently” aspects when I talk to her about it. Thanks! :)

    4. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      A lot of seniors are easy prey to sales scams, ex: ordering stuff from TV, buying stuff from MLM reps, etc. It concerns me a bit, just because it shows one of a few things: a) she’s forgetting how many products she already has, b) that the “logic” part of her brain isn’t checking the emotional part, ex: “I want that shampoo but I already have 20 shampoos, therefore I do not need more shampoo,” c) that the “logic” part of her brain isn’t remaining skeptical about sales pitches and she’s no longer thinking critically about them, “She says this will keep your hair alive!” when it’s common knowledge that hair is dead.

      It might not be on its own something to worry about, but I would keep your eyes open to see if her judgment, memory, or impulse control is starting to fail in other aspects of her life.

      I’m sorry, and good luck.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      I’d be concerned about the depression and the loss of critical thinking skills. My mom has started ordering weird medical type things (“Miracle cures from the Vault” – and gave away the first copy, or forgot it, then ordered another) and 6 bottles of some $50/bottle thing to help her finger swelling go down so her rings would go back on (no, mom, that won’t help your arthritic knuckles). I got sis to help her cancel that order.
      And thinking that because someone on the internet suggested that the President signed a bill that helped make hearing aids cheaper, she should order some. I got her to NOT order them by telling her she had to have an audiologist do an actual hearing test.
      And, writing checks for every charity that sends a heart wretching plea.
      yeah. It’s time for the intervention. Sigh.

    6. Grace Less*

      Does she call it a “stash”? That’s something I see reasonably often with fans of LUSH products. The issue is that when you read/watch people online doing it, it “normalizes” an admittedly odd behavior.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      I did a few years ago, when I was vaguely into blogging and a frequent poster on a popular beauty forum here in the UK. Although it wasn’t necessarily expensive stuff, it racked up fairly quickly. I think it was about wanting to try new stuff and to have the ‘in’ thing, for whatever reason, even if I only ever used it once or not at all.

      Then when my ex-partner and I bought our house I wanted to cut down the amount of stuff I had/what I was spending on it, so basically said I wasn’t going to buy any new stuff for a month and use up what I had. That became three months, became six months, became a year, and now I genuinely can’t remember the last time I bought an eyeshadow or a lipstick. I’m moving this afternoon (eek!) and that was another excuse for a major cull of the stuff I don’t use – either chucking it out, or giving the stuff that was still OK to friends or a charity called Give And Make Up that supplies beauty products to women in refuges.

      I also switched to a shampoo brand that, whilst expensive, lasts ages; granted I’m an infrequent hair washer, but I’m just about to buy a new bottle and I must have been using this stuff for almost a year now. And I don’t stockpile any more – I just buy replacements of things like shower gel and face wash when I run out.

    8. Dancing Otter*

      As we age, our skin changes, including the scalp. When I was younger, my hair and skin were oily. Now they border on dry. Over the last five years, I have needed to experiment with multiple shampoos and moisturizers, because the old formulae were making things worse instead of better. Also, as skin chemistry changes, scented products smell different on. That’s assuming, too, that she hasn’t developed a sensitivity to anything. Are the body washes different formulae or just different scents? What about the shampoos?

      I suggest you talk to her about what she likes or doesn’t like about the various products.
      * If she’s having trouble finding ones that suit her current skin & scalp condition, this might just be a matter of “I’m sick and tired of things that don’t work; I’m going to find something better, G-D-m it!” Nothing really wrong with that, is there?
      * Maybe she thinks she likes the scent of a new body wash, sniffing the bottle, then doesn’t like it so much when she actually uses it. (Or she bought it online, and it’s not what she expected.) Maybe she’s looking for one that doesn’t leave her skin itchy. You don’t know until you ask.
      In either case, I’d be more concerned about her not getting rid (via return or discard) of the rejects.

      As for the occasional sad or out of sorts day, it depends how often. Maybe something happened that reminded her of an old sorrow, like the anniversary of a sad event. Nostalgia isn’t always happy, happy, joy, joy. Or, for “out of sorts”, haven’t you ever had one of those days when it’s just one minor annoyance after another? Now, if it’s happening a lot, that’s a different matter.

    9. Batgirl*

      If she were watching artists on YouTube and trying out different supplies for art mediums, would that concern you as much? A while back, I switched from skincare minimilasm to high end skincare sprees; partly because my skin had changed, partly because of a blogger, partly for kicks. I definitely spent too much and I regret nothing. It was fun. I’m back to cheap and cheerful 95 pc of the time but when I do want to splurge I know exactly which products are worth it.
      I do think women are unfairly pressured into spending beauty bucks but there’s an equally high danger in dismissing a true interest in fashion/beauty/makeup as frivolous simply because it’s female coded. I would feel you’re on safe ground in asking if this interest makes her happy. I think you’d be on less steady ground if you were to ask if another adult if she can afford her passion.

    10. LuJessMin*

      A few years back I was going through my end of year budget and figured out I spent over a thousand dollars in a year on makeup and beauty products. For that much money, I should be a lot prettier! I’ve cut waaay back since then.

    11. Bluebell*

      My mother, who is in her 80s, loves her some beauty supplies. She doesn’t have any subscription boxes, but likes buying some expensive skin products, as she tries to look more youthful. I admit that I started with the Sephora play box about a year ago, and find it a fun small indulgence.

  49. roisin54*

    I’d like to get an objective opinion on something. My father passed away somewhat suddenly a few weeks ago, which needless to say has been devastating. I’m already in therapy for anxiety and asked my therapist for a referral for a grief support group because I think it would be beneficial to me. The one she pointed me to (at a therapy practice) rejected me because I would have to miss two of the eight sessions, the first because I wouldn’t be back in town for it and another because of a long ago planned trip to visit friends. Their reasoning was that everyone attending the sessions should have continuity and all members needed to attend all sessions in order to accomplish this.

    I personally think it’s kind of shitty to tell someone who’s father died nine days before that because they can’t go to two of their grief support meetings, then they won’t be allowed to go to any of them. I’m obviously not in any state to be objective on this, so I’m wondering if I’m off base here or not.

    I have subsequently found a group through my church, so I’m all set as far as that goes. I have to miss one of those sessions and the therapist running that group said that wouldn’t be a problem.

    1. Christmas*

      Roisin54:
      I’ve personally never heard of such strict attendance policies for group therapy. I would think most groups would welcome people, and encourage them to just come as much as they can. Who knows, maybe they have a reason for operating that way, or even past issues or experiences? But it sounds like a group you might not gel with anyway, if they act like that. If I was in your position, having just had this loss, I would feel dismayed to have reached out and been turned away, and that they were being shitty. From over here, it does seem unnecessarily strict.

      I hope the group at your church is helpful! If it turns out that they aren’t what you need, keep looking.

      I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts.

      1. roisin54*

        Thank you. Based on what the intake person told me over the phone, I think they might’ve had issues in the past with attendance so that might be why they’re so strict about it.

    2. fposte*

      roisin, I’m so sorry. Everything is going to seem hard right now.

      I don’t think a group has to be run that way, but I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for such a short course. 25% of the sessions is a lot to miss, and they may be able to give that place to somebody who can attend all of them. If they’re based on the notion of a cohesive group, that continuity is important; it’s not just you that would be missing 25% if they didn’t require a commitment but so would I, and Bob, and Jane, and Fergus, and it ends up being never the same group twice.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t know if it’s worth turning away people in pain; I’m just thinking that this is the logic.

    3. JediSquirrel*

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      That’s a really odd way to run a grief support group, though. People have lives, after all, and grief therapy isn’t Botox treatment. Sometimes you need it more and sometimes you need it less. Of all times in a person’s life to not give them a bit of flexibility!

      1. roisin54*

        Thank you. I do need a bit more flexibility, and I have issues with rejection anyway so hearing that at that time really threw me for a loop.

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          There are all sorts of grief therapy sessions.

          I went to one where it was 8 weeks, and you got one excused absence. More than one, you were 1st in line for the next coming class. Huge waiting list to get in.

          The therapy was intense. There was reading material and some home work.

          The reason for the attendance rule (not saying you would have done any of this) is people don’t do the homework and don’t show up. Or they miss three sessions and want a big recap where everyone is at. That can be really painful. Or be caught up on everything they missed.

          I went to three different group therapies groups. (Different groups).

          First one was a open session of how life is terrible since your loved one died. That was okay the first three weeks, but the moderator was just awful. No attendance requirements. Lot of people there want friends outside the group, and I was not into at all. Lasted four visits.

          The second one was headed by a counselor. That was marginally better because we didn’t have someone high jack the group crying about the same thing three weeks in a row. I know that sounds horrible. Who shouldn’t get things off their chest? Those people really needed 1:1 counseling. The group counselor set those clients up with a few 1:1 sessions. The trauma of the death was so much, every session was square one. I felt I wasn’t getting anything out of the group except supporting others. I have that annoying habit of being the people pleaser and everyone before me. It wasn’t a good fit.

          My final grief work group had attendance was even more strict. The grief could not be from a suicide, miscarriage/infant death under 1 year, child death between 1 and 18 years or drug overdose. Reason being those were all different grief support groups. I had to wait two months before adult general grief session came back around. Six months after my father died.

          By that time I could really get down to what I needed to work on. For me, six weeks past my dad’s death was nothing but a numb haze. Grief is like those nesting dolls. You think, 4 months has past, and you’ve got a handle on it. Another damn nesting doll pops up.

          Don’t think of it as a rejection. That group isn’t a good fit for you right now. You need help, and how dare they! Been there. My last group would not take anyone before three months of the death date of a love one. It wasn’t set up for that acute (my dad just died) grief support.

          Group therapy is like dating. Some groups are a better fit than others. If after a couple visits it’s not happening, find another. I waste too much time with the first two groups hoping it would get better.

          2. roisin54*

            The one I’m registered for doesn’t start until late September, at which point it will have been about three months since he died. In the meantime I’m going to meet with my therapist more frequently than I was before this happened. So I’m hopeful that it’ll work for me.

            I’ve never done group therapy before so I have no idea how this group is structured or how any of it works. What I discovered is that most of the places that have grief support groups in my area only have them in spring or fall, or they’re focused on parents who have lost a child or people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Or they’re held in places that are really hard for a car-less person to get to. I was getting so overwhelmed trying to find a group that would work for me that I had a panic attack.

    4. WellRed*

      It’s borderline shitty but if it’s a time-ended group of sessions and you wouldn’t even make the first one, well, I guess they want something very consistent for everyone. I’m glad you found a more flexible group and I’m sorry for your loss.

      1. roisin54*

        That does make sense. Ultimately I think that group just wasn’t the right one for me.

    5. MountRushmore*

      Just wanted to say sorry for your loss – I’m in my mid 30s and both my parents died in the last couple of years and it’s a tough road. But there are good people to help you on your way, friends, family, therapists, people you least expect! And of course a group that’s a better fit for you.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I did Grief Share through my church. I think you will find it a much looser environment than the place that rejected you. And they talked about various types of losses. I think I missed a week but that week the loss was not something I had experienced personally. I am not sure if there was a therapist there, I think it was just a church member trained to go through the course. Right, it’s not a problem to miss a week.

      What surprised me was that I could not wait to go each week. I actually looked forward to going. I never once thought that would be my response. I picture myself dragging myself there each week. Everyone was very kind and I found a safe space there. My church is small enough that if you miss a week they let you take the disk for that week and you can watch it at home if you chose to.

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending a hug. I found that the group I went to through church (about 4 months after my brother’s death) was good. My individual counseling this time (husband died) is better because this time I need the 1:1, but his death was more complicated in it’s own way. And this time, I couldn’t deal with a group scenario while I was unpacking my emotions.
      You’ve had good advice.
      Just wanted to send support.

    9. Batgirl*

      Roisin, I had a panic attack a few weeks after my father’s sudden death because my work told me I needed a doctor’s note to take the extra week off I needed and kept calling me with the subtext of ‘we can’t cope without you and your students are suffering’. They weren’t trying to be jerks but their set up wasn’t adequate for my needs. I took heed and changed jobs shortly afterwards. I’m happier.

      In your case the group doesn’t sound at all right for you; it wouldn’t have been for me either. There must be grieving people who are climbing over each other for a rigid class style structure. I would have found that odd too.

      I think the visit to friends will be just perfect for you and you are right to prioritise it. Also, the work of grieving takes time so you dont need to sort out a coping structure any time soon. The right way will make itself known at the right time.

      1. roisin54*

        My therapist thinks going to see my friends will be good for me too, and I am looking forward to that even more than I usually do. They live too far away to have gone to the wake or the funeral and I know they’re concerned about me.

        I was fortunate that I had already scheduled & approved vacation time this month, and at my job we get a week of bereavement leave for a parent’s death. By the time I came back last week I was ready to come back.

  50. MOAS*

    Ok I know I was super down in the last post but I do have a glimmer of excitement.

    I am almost certain I’m going to the PNW in December. I have family in Vancouver, WA who i am excited to visit.
    Flying out 12/25 and tentative return 1/3 or 1/4.

    I’ll be doing a road trip from Vancouver to Yakima to visit a friend, then Seattle then Vancouver, Canada. I think this should be a 2-4 day trip as on google maps it showed 5 hours from American Vancouver to Canadian Vancouver.

    I will be flying in to Portland so I am guessing that can be a separate day trip.

    Any suggestions on what to do & see in all areas? I am open to family friendly and non. Boys will be 12 & 13.

    Some of the things I like – smoking, drinking (although maybe a no go since I’ll be driving, which I also like lol). I like Eating good food. I like retail/malls. I read this and i realize I’m so boring.

    I’m also open to doing a road trip in other directions (east or south, not sure how much more west I could go)

    Side note, weird q. Is it possible to find people and meet before my trip? I’m a little shy. Alcohol helps me usually lol but I will be driving so no drinking at all. Are there apps like tinder but platonic? What shall I pack for weather wise?

    1. Kathenus*

      This may not be your thing with your list of likes, but on a recent Portland trip I spent a day exploring the Columbia River Gorge, from both the WA and OR sides – it was fantastic.

    2. LCL*

      Be flexible. In December there are snow storms that hit Snoqualmie Pass on I90, which is the Yakima to Seattle portion of your trip. The weather predictions for the pass are excellent on the NOAA site, and the highway department clears the road as fast as they can. If you have never driven it, plan to cross the pass in daylight. It is a good modern highway but can be intimidating if you haven’t driven it before. If a snowstorm is predicted, believe it and don’t go until it’s over.

      Likewise, the Vancouver WA to Yakima sometimes gets snow and ice storms. Follow NOAA and you will be fine. Sometimes December is completely dry and this advice will look very silly.

    3. Swingbattabatta*

      Go sledding at Snoqualmie (east of Seattle). Super family friendly, and so much fun! You need to reserve your pass ahead of time (I’d check a few weeks out, it’ll be prime season), and there’s a little tractor belt that’ll carry you back up the hill if you don’t want to walk. You can have lunch at the skiing lodge before/after, or there are plenty of things to do and places to eat nearby.

    5. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      We have a lot of wineries and breweries to check out! It’s about 7hrs from Vancouver to Vancouver with traffic tbh. It’s still totally doable but traffic is a real butthole on I5 from Olympia to Everett just about always.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I haven’t done the Vancouver-to-Vancouver drive in over a decade, but I remember that potentially being a longer than 5 hour drive due to Seattle traffic and the border crossing itself both taking highly variable amounts of time. It’s completely possible to drive from Vancouver, WA to Vancouver, BC for a 3 day weekend (we even once went all the way to Kamloops for a 3 day weekend to see relatives), and getting from one Vancouver to another is certainly reasonable to do in a single day, but there is a large and unpredictable amount of potential sitting-in-the-car time involved so it’s best to keep an open mind about how much of your day it will take and not need to be at your destination by a specific time for dinner reservations or anything. (It is theoretically possible that the border is faster now, but I really can’t think of a reason why that is likely to be the case.)

      On the way to Yakima, I would normally recommend the Maryhill Museum, but it looks like it will be closed for the winter while you’re around. (It’s my favorite Weirdly Located Museum in terms of what it has in its collection versus where it is. It’s also generally not crowded, which is my favorite kind of museum.) Goldendale Observatory is currently closed for remodeling, but may be open again by the time of your trip and is also out that way. If your schedule allows, it can be a great place to go if you’re into stargazing.

      Oregon has no sales tax, so if you’re planning on a shopping component to your trip that may be a good state to pick in terms of pricing. I can’t think of any particularly tourist-level malls, though, if that makes sense. (There are malls, but they’re not particularly unique malls with unusual architecture or shops in them that I’ve particularly noticed.) Vancouver BC has a much better collection of neat places to shop. I used to get a lot of unusual (to find in retail shops in the PNW) Chinese import stuff in shops from there, although it’s been long enough that I hesitate to make an specific suggestions.

      That time of year the weather can be variable. I would pack for likely rain with possible snow. Layers are your friend since every place indoors will have the heat going.

      If it snows on the western side of the Cascades and it sticks, do not expect to go anywhere if you can avoid it. I have driven back from Seattle toward Portland in the snow several times and it’s a delightful mixture of people who speed in the hopes of outrunning the snowflakes, people who go very slowly to try to sneak past the snowflakes, and people who drive unpredictably in hopes of confusing the snowflakes. (Also the roads are crowned fairly aggressively so rain won’t pool on them, which makes it difficult to drive on them when it’s icy even if you theoretically know how.)

      If NYE celebrations are important to you, you may want to research which cities do which things for New Year’s and adjust your schedule accordingly to make sure you’re someplace with one that suits your interests. I’m not into big public parties like that so I really have no idea.

    7. ..Kat..*

      In the Portland area (or elsewhere) take a lyft or Uber. Then you don’t have to worry about driving and you can enjoy a drink or two. Plus driving in Portland is it’s own type of crazy. And life is easier if you don’t have to hunt parking. Same for Seattle.

      We have a zoo,
      a forestry center,
      an art museum,
      OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) – a lot of hands on fun stuff for kids of all ages. With an IMAX theater (separate admission price).
      Chinese gardens.
      Japanese gardens.
      From Portland you can take a day trip to the coast or the mountains (snow!).

      Google and see if you can get package deals on admissions.

      Woodburn outlet mall – about 30 miles south of Portland. So many great stores.

      Wilsonville (about 20 miles south of Portland) has a World of Speed Motor Sports Museum. Afterwards, you can go to Bullwinkles in Wilsonville for games and kid type fun and food. Google Bullwinkles to make sure you can handle this place. It is not everyone’s cup of tea.

      Winery tours that provide transportation.

      For December, pack layers. An outer rain shell (with a hood), an inner light jacket, a fleece vest. We are big on comfort and functionality. Probably want gloves, knit hat and scarf. Comfortable shoes. Unless you go to extremely fancy places, you don’t need dress up clothes.

      I live in Portland and would be happy to meet up with you. But, I already know that I am working December 25.

      Some of my favorite Portland restaurants:
      Higgins
      Imperial
      Departure Lounge
      Xico
      Nuestra Cocina
      Rosa Rosa
      Pok Pok
      Nostrana.

      There is a Bolt Bus that goes between Portland and Seattle – good prices. Also Amtrak train (you can buy beer and wine).

      This will be a great trip!

    9. RainAndSun*

      I’m going to let others share the great things to do and what to wear.. but I think that the time frame you have (and holidays too) and the amount of distance you hope to cover is pretty ambitious!! Especially with kids. We are avid hikers and skiers, familiar with all these areas and without kids… and even if I thought we could do this (we couldn’t), it would not be fun. Even in August, it would still be pretty tough!

      I think your travel times may be a bit off. The Washington DOT site shows some average drive times that are better than google, but consider that it took us 4.5 hrs to get from Seattle to Portland midday this Friday.

      Also don’t forget that not all the passes are open year round, and that almost all passes have significant slow downs and closures during the winter. Closures are common not just on the passes but also on many east west routes (eg I—90) for accidents.

      If driving across the Cascades, be sure that you can be okay for many hours in the car, have water and warmth and snacks, keep gas tank full etc, chains and the ability to use them (or studs). You will certainly want a car that can handle the wet and the snow, and our snow is slushy and heavy and slick (often) – very different than some other parts of the country. Closures can be an hour for accident or avalanche control, or days for avalanche risk.

      Flights may be a better way to go. It’s a quick and cheap jump East to West, and Seattle and Portland are now pretty consistently accessible without cars.

      US Canadian road borders can be horrendous during the holiday season, so again, bring snacks and be prepared to wait it out. Do not forget you will need passport or EDL (new in the last few years), and be sure to inquire crossing border with kids if the other parent is not present. I don’t know if there are rules or just best practices, but it seems to be worth understanding.

      Maybe consider instead going east along the Columbia River Gorge, stopping at the falls, enjoying Hood River, the amazing dams etc. Or west to the ocean. The ocean in the winter is amazing! You could go north along the coast and into Seattle that way and then back down I-5? That is less likely to be complicated by snow but will be super wet!

      Don’t forget it’s dark up here that time of year, days are very short and you should also be very comfortable night driving in the wretched rain.

      Have a great time!!!

      1. MOAS*

        Oh goodness, I forgot about weather. I am not comfortable driving in dark or when it’ too wet/snowy

      2. ..Kat..*

        Thinking about what Rain and Sun said, the week after Christmas, many places have limited hours – not the stores that sell stuff (but these places will be madhouses with after Xmas sales). If you can be flexible on timing, mid-January would let you avoid some of the crazyness. But not the weather.

  51. NewtoNoom*

    Starting the two week free trial of Noom – anybody else have any experience with it?

    1. Jane*

      I tried the two week trial. I wasn’t very impressed. Lot of hype, not a lot of substance. I cancelled before the trial was up.

      I like MyFitnessPal better, and it’s free.

    2. RainAndSun*

      I was interested in the interface but got none of the personal support aspect from either the group chat or from the coach (who was vaguely encouraging but nothing else). Try it! I think if your coach is good and it works for you, it works for you…

      MFP is much better for food tracking, I think

  52. Karyn*

    Taking the bar exam next week. Already 100% sure I’m going to fail (no, seriously. This isn’t just nerves. I studied a grand total of like 10 hours this summer because of getting dumped, having to move on short notice, getting backed up on work, etc.). Choosing to look at this exam as a PSAT of sorts before I retake it in February. Any tips for getting through the exhaustion of 20 hours of thinking HARD over 2.5 days, even though I already resigned myself to taking it again?

    1. Auntie Social*

      Think of it as the prep test before the real one. I have so many friends, including judges, who took it twice. The first time they were nervous and the second they just felt easy and it went fine.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Echoing this. ZERO SHAME in sitting for the bar exam more than one time before you pass it. For some people, even super intelligent and solidly prepared, something or other goes kablooey and it’s just not in the cards.

        1. Karyn*

          Thank you both. That’s basically what happened – life went kablooey, Wile. E. Coyote style.

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Knowing that your brain will run out of facts and energy at some point is half the battle!

      The evening between Day 1 and Day 2, I met some friends at a bar for a relaxing evening out. Honestly that was one of the best decisions I made about the bar exam. It’s not like I was going to improve my score by spending a night studying after an entire day at the exam.

      1. Karyn*

        My parents are taking me to the exam and have flat out said that we can just go out and have wine after each night. I refuse to study at night. It’s actually kind of liberating, knowing I’m probably going to fail – less pressure.

    3. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      This basically happened to me the first time I took the bar (was getting a visa for an abroad masters program, house was inconducive to study bc my mom kept screaming at me). I found out I’d failed months later while I was in Europe, and ended up throwing a Brie and crackers pity party. Then I dusted myself off and did my dissertation with honors. Life goes on. Figure out what makes you calmest (ambient music). Focus on reading the questions carefully and tell yourself you are as prepared for this moment as you’ll ever be. If you don’t pass, reassess your studying technique (I moved to a cheap apt and got a job). Funny enough, once the family tension melted away and I had an apt of my own, and a cheap but effective 100% online tutor, I finally passed. It didn’t make me a more effective and smarter and more moral person. All I did was get schooled on how to test-take. Failing the bar 3x wasn’t the end of my life. It built character and made me a more empathetic person more understanding of people’s struggles no matter how big or small.

      1. Karyn*

        Yeah, I’m DEFINITELY planning on moving in September, well before February’s exam. I think that’s one of the things I’m most angry about with this breakup – I had a nice, quiet apartment to study in and then had to move back home which is… not awful but also not conducive to good study time. Dad tends to think of me as a live in maid rather than a person who works full time for herself and then has to study at night. I’m so glad to know that you eventually did the damn thing, AND got what sounds like a Ph.D. (right?). That’s friggin impressive.

        1. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

          Aw thanks re: dissertation. :) I got an LLM on scholarship in Europe since I was more interested in research and policy anyways, and when the bar fell through, I had my LLM as a plan B and ended up with fantastic policy/consulting job opportunities despite failing the bar.

          Apt: that sucks :/ Local libraries with glass enclosed quiet rooms helped for me. And yeah, it didn’t help my mom was screaming at me all the time, I was dealing with a long distance breakup of sorts etc. I actually wanted the masters bc I’d be on the same continent. Then that…well. I more or less pulled an Elle Woods. Put all my energy into schoolwork. Later once I was in the US, met my husband through tinder. Life is crazy!

    4. I hate the offseason.*

      The worst thing about the bar exam (3 full days in Ohio) were the people who wanted to discuss the answers at lunch. They can make you crazy with self doubt. So don’t participate. Just get to a quiet place and take care of yourself. The best prep is taking as many sample tests as you can, especially for the multi state. It has been years since my first (1990) and most recent (1999) so your mileage may vary.

      1. Karyn*

        Ha! I’m taking the Ohio bar – it’s only 2.5 days now. 8 hours, 8 hours, and 4 hours the last day. I’m hoping I can just bullshit my way through some of the essays. My mom took it five years ago and told me that if I just don’t know anything about a question, start writing. Write anything. I’m bound to hit on SOME points.

    5. sometimesreader*

      Different exam (CPA) but: Make a plan for what you want to do after it’s over. I went for a drink with my bff immediately after each exam. I suggest a third party that is not also taking the exam or likely to try and diminish how you feel. A good friend who is willing to listen to and hour of how exhausted you are and how stupid exams is a good bet. Have a good cry/whine and then give yourself permission for a day or two to not think about studying or the test results. After that create a best case/worse case study plan that you can adjust incase life happens.

      The morning of each of my exams were continuously thinking ‘I can do this. I will get through this’. Deep breathing and a pump up playlist the morning of also helped. Oddly whenever I’m in a situation where I ‘m 95% sure the worst outcome will happen I tell myself that no matter what happens at least I have my feet and I can walk way on my own (read: This situation is uncomfortable but I determine how I handle and react to it).

      Also, exams and ability to take tests are not a reflection on your personhood or your professional capacity. I have coworkers who struggled with their exams over, and over, and continue to struggle to pass. They are excellent at what they do at work. A test result does not negate your professional skills and abilities.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Not the bar exam. But I have found getting rest can be super helpful. I figured I knew about 75% of the material to some degree. And that turned out to be enough when coupled with rest. Because I was rested, I could piece together answers and I would not have been able to sort like that if I had not had consistent sleep under my belt.
      I studied until 11 pm (this worked with my schedule at that time) then off to bed I went, no matter what.

      Rest also helped me read the exam with a more critical eye. It’s surprising how many questions give answers to previous questions. I could find a couple examples of this on almost every test I took.

      I learned that if I do not get rest then my only hope is memorizing and that is NOT a good plan for me.

    7. Jane of all Trades*

      Best of luck to you!
      Make sure to pack a snack that it easy to eat and that you enjoy (I used trail mix with chocolate chips), and water. Go to bed early the night before, and before and after the exam don’t hang out with people who want to do last minute quizzes or talk through the answers of the previous section. Treat each question as a new chance to show off your knowledge, and don’t run over the allotted time for any question. When you’re coming up on the time, just write a concluding sentence and move on to the next question. Don’t go back and recheck the multiple choice questions – just check that you answered all, but don’t second guess yourself, because we are more likely to change a correct answer to an incorrect one when going through mc questions. Make sure to drink plenty of water both days, and use the lunch break to do whatever helps you relax and reset. I would schedule something that you look forward to for the day following the exam. Might be a day out with friends, movie marathon, whatever you need so the next day you can switch off your brain a little.
      If you do end up not passing this time, that’s ok, you’ll pass in February. One of my friends didn’t pass the first time because, just like it did for you, life happens. She passed fine the next time when she was in a position to prepare. Good luck!!

    8. Call me St. Vincent*

      Don’t take it. You may have to disclose that you failed later. Just withdraw and take it in February.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Can you elaborate on any problem around disclosing not succeeding at the bar exam on the first try? Because every lawyer knows a good friend or excellent law student who wasn’t successful on their first try, and so long as you get it on the second (or even third!) try, a first-time failure is not actually a barrier to a career in law. Employers won’t generally fire someone for it, and in fact they’ll usually make some kind of adjustment to your workload or schedule to help you out as February or next July approaches.

        Anyway, if you graduated in May and don’t get your license in October, then someone will ask you why. I’m not sure that “I withdrew from my attempt” is a more satisfactory answer than “I missed a passing score by -that- much but I’m on track to try again in February!”

        And seriously, I think it’s a much better idea for OP here to sit through the law exam experience as a trial run, than to see it for the very first time in February. Their seat in the room is paid for. Might as well take the practice they can wring out of it.

  53. Anona*

    There’s a big settlement from Equifax and their data breach, where you can $125 if you’re one of the millions of people who were affected. I’ll post a link, but you can apply online.

      2. JJ*

        Do they still have the mandatory arbitration thing going on? That’s why I haven’t checked.

    5. Bleh*

      Thank you so much for posting this! My husband is American, I’m not, and I was really worried that someone stole his info and was using it to rack up debt in his name in the States. Turns out he’s not affected, according to the site.

      1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        You can use Credit Karma website to monitor his credit whenever you need peace of mind as well :)

  54. Courageous cat*

    I posted recently about wanting to move to Chicago, but my brother has talked me into Philly because it’s a similar-ish COL/public transportation, and if I move there, I can live close to him (NYC) for the first time in my adult life – which is a very exciting thing for me.

    The biggest plus here is that I’ve actually *been* to Philly and already love it, so no exploratory visit would be needed.

    If anyone has advice, I am all ears. I have applied to what feels like hundreds of jobs at this point (all within a reasonable train/bus commute from the city) so just waiting to see what pans out. Currently leaning towards getting a studio ($985) in Center City (or near it).

    1. Summer Rain*

      congrats- Phila is a great city! I lived there for 10 years and it’s only goteen better in the 25 years I have been away. My husband and I are considering it as a location for our next phase, once we become empty nesters.

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Consider giving up your car and relying solely on transit, a bike, taxis, and the occasional car rental, even if you’re living in town and working in the ‘burbs. Parking is a drag and it’s pretty much inevitable that at some point over the years your car will be broken into, or you’ll find your car’s been towed because some street festival or block closure wasn’t properly announced. SEPTA, with its flaws and shortcomings (many with a root cause in Harrisburg or due to its sharing track with Amtrak), is a world-class public transit system despite what you’ll hear from the haters.

      If you find a place near a station on the El or the Broad Street line within a few stops of City Hall, you can save some dough on your apartment rental but still have E-Z access to everything you need in Center City.

    3. Fortitude Jones*

      Center City is fantastic with a ton of stuff to do – go for it!

      Signed,

      Former Resident

  55. Lucette Kensack*

    Oh, man. Our house sale/condo search has the MOST satisfying ending!

    The background: Earlier this year we decided to sell our house and downsize into a condo. We lost out on a couple of places in genuinely ridiculous circumstances (I’ll post a link to a comment from a previous open thread, if you’re interested in hearing the whole saga), and as of the last time I shared an update we were in the process of finalizing the purchase of what I’ve been calling the Goldilocks Condo (not too big, not too small, just right).

    … Well. That did not go as planned. Three weeks ago we were involved in a bidding war on Goldilocks, which we won. But the day that we signed the purchase agreement the sellers fired their real estate agent. They thought she had mishandled the bidding war, and believed they could have gotten more from the other buyers, so they wanted to cancel their contract with us and start over.

    Of course the contract prevented them from doing that, except…. the house we were selling didn’t close on time, which invalidated our contract on the condo. At first it seemed like it was going to be no big deal; the closing was delayed by just a couple of days and was in no danger of falling through, and the condo sellers got a new agent through the same realty company and agreed to proceed with us, so we scheduled an inspection.

    Five minutes before the inspection was scheduled — we were literally sitting outside the condo, waiting for the inspector to arrive — we got a call from our agent: the sellers had decided to fire their agency, cancel our contract, and put the house back on the market in the hopes that they could get more for it this time.

    Except that’s not what happened. They put it on the market with the expectation of calling for “highest and best” offers after the weekend. Our house closed, so we were free and clear to make an offer… and it turned out our offer was the only one this time. The punchline: we’re buying the condo for less than we had originally agreed to pay.

    Now: keep your fingers crossed that all goes well with the inspection and closing!

    2. Reba*

      What a drama. I would NOT like to be in the sellers’ heads right now.

      Congratulations to you! I hope your closing goes smoothly and you love the place.

      1. WellRed*

        “I would NOT like to be in the sellers’ heads right now.”

        I kinda would, like a fly on the wall. I bet one partner was the one holding out for more and now the other one is probably ticked off. Or who knows, maybe they both got the greedys.

        1. Lucette Kensack*

          I actually feel for them. We were put through the wringer on the sale of our house too (in a totally different way) and it is SO stressful. I’m obviously delighted to be paying less for a condo I’m excited to live in, but I have no ill will toward the sellers. (After all, it’s our fault that they were able to cancel the contract in the first place — if our house had closed on time, we’d be paying the original amount we’d offered!)

          1. fposte*

            I have a mental fiction of this as something one of the couple wanted and the other didn’t, and there’s a lot of aftermath going down at home.

    4. Eva and Me*

      It is kind of karma, but I get not wishing it on them!

      We bought our house from a divorcing couple who had a prior offer that one of them didn’t want to take. They ended up in court, and the judge said “you’re taking any offers over X amount.” Meanwhile, the previous buyer had moved on, and we put in our bid, which was accepted. (We didn’t know any of the background drama at the time.) I think the divorce made them less rational than they would have been otherwise. I didn’t go to the closing, but understand there was quite a bit of drama there, too, that even their attorneys and agents couldn’t rein in.

        1. Eva and Me*

          Don’t go if you don’t have to! (But my husband had to go; he is not affected by drama, though, so it was all good.)

          Enjoy your new home!

    6. Stephanie*

      Congrats on downsizing! I hope all goes well with the inspection.
      We’re in the middle of purging our 2300 square foot house in order to move to our new-to-us 1500 square foot house. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster, emotionally. My parents are real estate agents, but we decided not to use them this time around, even though we have in the past. (Actually, it’s mostly because we’ve used them in the past.) We’ve been house poor for 15 years; in some part because of the economy and the housing bubble, but also in part because my parents gave us bad advice. (I accept responsibility, too–we didn’t have to make the choices we made, of course, but they really didn’t advocate for us, either.)
      My parents aren’t speaking to me. Which sucks, but also just reinforces that we made the right choice to not go with them as our agents.
      We listened to our agent, did the work he recommended, and sold our house in 3 days, over asking price. And we got the house I really, really wanted, for less than asking. Inspection went well on both houses, appraisals came back good. Now we just wait for closing next month. In the meantime, we are making hard choices about what to keep and what to get rid of.
      Good luck with your inspection and closing!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Wow, you guys rode that roller coaster in fine style. Good for you for persevering. My family member was a realtor. She said the first offer is usually your best offer and waiting for a better offer seldom pans out. I see again, her advice is pretty much valid.

      1. Stephanie*

        Thanks! We actually had three offers to choose from, which is the best possible scenario. One was a little bit below asking, one was right at asking, and one was over. We’re so excited, and can’t wait to move!

    8. mindovermoneychick*

      That’s amazing! So glad you got it and kind of loving that you got it for less.

      1. Stephanie*

        Thanks! It’s great that we’re getting the house for less, plus we’ve actually got some money to do the few things that we want to do to make it ours, which is such a good feeling!

  56. Mammo-anonymous*

    My biopsy came back negative! I’ve had thyroid cancer so was extra worried. Once I learned the news (uploaded on mychart on Wednesday, the Dr’s office STILL hasn’t called), I actually felt pressure on my chest (it’s gone now). Didn’t realize how much a toll this was taking on me. Thank you to all who waited with me last weekend and best wishes to Kuododi and others on their journey. And now, I get to dump this god awful user name!

    1. fposte*

      Congratulations! It feels so good when this worry lifts that it’s *almost* worth having it. (But it isn’t.)

    6. Quandong*

      I’m glad your biopsy result was good news! What a relief for you and all who love you.

  57. Bibliovore*

    A thank you to Elspeth Mcgillicuddy for her amazing google-foo. We are planning our California retreat and visiting Sacramento then on to Calistoga.
    And I am like you. I don’t like to eat every meal out and love shopping for local foods.

    Mr. Bibliovore was right. My week-end on-line friends know everything!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      They do know everything, don’t they? We can google for hours or just ask here.

    4. Bluebell*

      Hi Bibliovore- have fun! I had an amazing time in Iceland and will write about it next week.

  58. New Wife*

    I friggin got married yesterday! And thankfully, all the details of my small destination wedding with a few family members turned out well. The outdoor setting and weather was beautiful. Time to relax.

  59. Swingbattabatta*

    Just want to say that age 3 is the worst. THE WORST. I am having the hardest time with my three year old and she’s currently crying/whining (and has been for the last 20 minutes) for no discernible reason. We’ve missed soccer this morning because she refuses to get dressed/brush her teeth/brush her hair, and clearly today is going to be crap. I feel so disheartened, because we have more tantrum days than not, and literally nothing works to avoid them.

    1. Jane*

      Hang in there!

      I don’t have kids myself but I was a nanny and preschool teacher for many years. With mostly 3 year olds.

      I’m sure you don’t want unsolicited advice so I’m not going to give any, but know that all 3 year olds are jerks, you’re not alone, and this isn’t forever!

    2. ArtK*

      Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
      Tell yourself “This too shall pass.” It really is a short blip in a lifetime — but it takes time to gain that perspective!

    3. LCL*

      I don’t have kids, but my mom told me all about them. She said 3 year olds are the Worst! until the teenage years. She said just keep telling yourself your child will outgrow this, and it is normal to hate the kid in those moments. You aren’t doing anything wrong, your child’s mental development is at a very unpleasant place in their growth.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        A friend of mine called her twins “threenagers” at that stage, and somewhat regularly offered them to the highest – make that first – aw, hell, I’ll pay someone to take them – bidder on Facebook :)

      2. KoiFeeder*

        I mean, I was objectively worse at three than I was at thirteen. Thirteen year old me was very quiet and well-behaved. Three year old me hit people with the thagomizer of a hard plastic stegosaurus.

    4. Courageous cat*

      Not a parent but I love the Care and Feeding column on Slate for this kind of thing. I think if you were to write they would say, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but this is going to pass very quickly.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      Three is so much harder than two. I have no idea why people talk about “terrible twos.”

      They want so much independence, and they can’t actually do much for themselves yet, and they have all these feelings that are too big for them, and they’re drenched in growth hormones, and it’s just awful.

      The only things that ever helped were stuff like finding safe places where they could just run loose, and trying to set stuff up around the house so they could do it themselves as much as possible.

      And even that only helps a little. Hang in there. I hope you can get a nap today.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Can you dump the crying child on someone else and just go somewhere else for a few hours? Even if you’re just grocery shopping and stuff like that. Children act very differently with different adults, so let someone else have her for a bit. Yes, it’s a phase, yes it’s normal, yes it sucks, no you’re not a terrible parent, and YES you deserve a break.

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        I used to joke that my daughter hit her terrible twos at 2.5 & it didn’t end til she was 12. Super strong willed child, from the start. Anyway, one of the things that helped, for both my daughter AND me (because WHHOMPH – it’s hard!) is that when I needed to nurse the baby I would get both my daughter and myself a drink (hydration is important when you’re nursing! Or anytime, really) and she would pick out a book/s for me to read to her. Quiet time, mom time and showed, I think, that even when I was busy with the baby she was still important to me.

    7. Elf*

      Just know that anyone you know whose kid didn’t have terrible twos or threes is really in for it. We were fine until this year, two and three weren’t so bad, but FOUR OMG FOUR!!!! Every kid goes through one of these stages, but the older the kid is at the time, the worse it is, so you will eventually be glad to have gotten it out of the way now (I feel for you, the crazy tantrum stuff has only just died down in the last few weeks after MONTHS)

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Cosigned, although I’ve found 5 to be a real challenge. It seems to be the age when both of my kids discovered that they could get angry because of internal emotional causes (e.g. that’s not fair, my feelings are hurt), not just physical (bonked themselves) or behavioral (not allowed to do something) causes.

        For some reason I managed more easily with irrational tantrums than ones with a semblance of reason behind them.

    8. Madge*

      Check out “Your Three-year-old: Friend Or Enemy” by Frances Lillian Ilg and Louise Bates Ames. This is part of a classic and immensely helpful series for ages and developmental stages. Your daughter is working on a lot right now. Pretty soon you’ll see a huge developmental burst, but this is the chaos before that. Hang in there.

    9. Stephanie*

      Three was SO much harder with both of my kids than two was. A few tips: Pick your battles, or everything becomes a fight. It helped me to ask myself “What is your goal, here?” When I was unsure when to stick to my guns or not. If it’s a safety issue, there’s no wiggle room, obviously. But if she won’t get dressed? Maybe it’s not that big of a deal if she goes somewhere in her pajamas. Or with messy hair or unbrushed teeth. That my not be true for soccer–she needs to be dressed properly to play, but adjust for other situations.
      As hard as it is, if you can ignore the whining and crying, do so. Oftentimes they’re just looking for a reaction.
      Hang in there. I promise that this, too shall pass. My kids are now 17 and 20, and I still remember the struggle with toddlers. It gets better. And this sounds like totally normal three year old behavior.

    10. Swingbattabatta*

      Thanks everyone- it really helps to hear that this is normal, and not that we are terrible parents. The whining/crying lasted for an HOUR, and then she snapped out of it and we had a nice rest of the morning until nap. It doesn’t help that I have a two month old, and I’m so tired and have less patience than I used to. Unfortunately, this behavior predated baby’s arrival by months and months, so I don’t think it was new-sibling induced.

      Threenager is right. I ate ice cream in the shower last night after everyone fell asleep.

      1. Alexandra Lynch*

        I worked hard on only giving alternatives when there was a choice to be had. “It’s time to get dressed for the day,” versus “Do you want to get out of your jammies now?” And choices were things like “It’s hot today, so we’ll wear shorts. Do you want the red shirt with the dinosaur or the blue shirt with the bulldozer, or do you just want Mom to pick?” And there were times there was crying and unhappiness and so I took the pajamas off him and put the clothes on him and we went on with the day. Because that’s how life is and interestingly, we never had the same battle twice.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I am almost sure that was me at 3. Even I did not know why I was crying. My parents put me back to bed, each time.
      Hang tough.

    12. aNonymous*

      What we did at that age was the count-to-three method. If child won’t get dressed or brush their teeth or something else, state “I’ll count to three…(pause) .1.(pause)….2.(pause) …3” and then gently but firmly do whatever is necessary, e.g. cleaning their teeth or dressing them. It is critical that before hand you have made up your mind exactly what you will do upon reaching 3, and be certain that you will go through with it. We found it worked, and soon starting to count would generate the required behavior.

    13. smoke tree*

      I don’t know if it will help much when you’re in the middle of it, but just like it can be calming to channel some empathetic thoughts toward adult jerks, it may be helpful to try to see life from a three-year-old’s perspective. It must be a pretty overwhelming time, gaining some understanding and autonomy in the world, but still being very restricted in what you’re allowed to do, and most of all, not really having the ability to articulate what you’re feeling. It has to be incredibly frustrating.

  60. Lost in the Woods*

    So I’m two months in to my three months of MCAT studying and I’m getting close to burnout. I had a really challenging last two years of school (two family members and one close family friend had major, life-threatening health issues, and while the crises have been resolved the fallout is ongoing), but I stuck the landing for the degree. My real-adult job starts in September, so this summer seemed like the perfect time to study for and take the MCAT (I’m taking two gap years, a real year off and then the year of the application cycle). I just need to get through August, take the stupid thing, and then I can start making an effort to mentally recuperate in preparation for doing it again, and harder this time, in medical school (fingers crossed, presuming that I get in).

    I’m currently hitting scores which are good, and acceptable for me (515, for anyone familiar with the new MCAT) but not stellar (518+), and I really want stellar. I know I’m capable of it, and I want as many options as possible. It’s just really hard to sit down and force myself right now, since I’m emotionally exhausted. In some ways it would be easier if I was getting bad scores, since I could use that to motivate myself. Normally I’m a discipline over motivation kind of person, but my discipline is kind of failing me at the moment. Any tips for grinding something out to the end when you’re teetering on the precipice of burnout?

    Now I’m going to stop procrastinating go and go over my most recent practice test.

    1. Lost in the Woods*

      To be clear, I’m looking more for emotional advice rather than studying advice, which is why it’s here and not the work/school thread. Sorry if this is the wrong place!

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        I don’t have any wise words of advice, just some commiseration. It’s not the MCAT, but I took the last of a three-part industry certification exam in May, just as I was wrapping up my four- year, return-to-school-in-middle-age-to-get-a-Bachelors-and-then-a-Masters marathon. I was so flipping tired of studying! I took no vacations and missed out on a *ton* of fun social things while I was in school (so I could graduate summa cum laude for undergrad and “Scholar of High Distinction” for grad).

        I went into the exam (which was basically a capstone MBA test) telling myself that I was paying for a trial look, that I’d be back to take it again, and that it’s only money. Like, I’m not going to lose my house or my cats or anything super important if I fail.

        I also stood up and walked around with the book when studying, reading out loud as if I were teaching a class. Maybe it could help you with motivation if you pretend that you’re studying so you can teach the material to someone else, someone whose life trajectory depends on you being able to explain the information to them in a way that makes sense to them? Heck, it might help if you could find an MCAT study group and act as the tutor. Knowing that people were depending you might be the emotional motivation you need. You’d be helping them AND you!

        2. Lost in the Woods*

          Unfortunately for the explaining side of things, which is a super useful strategy and is the reason I passed physical chemistry, I’m at the stage where I’m doing more practice and review of problems than actual material review. I know the vast majority of things that come up, it’s applying the knowledge to the passages they present and understanding the arcane logic of the test itself, as well as just the stamina to take a 7.5 hour exam, which are the issues now. I think the burnout might actually help with the stress – by the time I walk in to the test I’ll be so sick of it I won’t have the energy to be nervous!

          Congrats on your degrees and your industry exam – I’m sure you’ve got the next one in the bag!

    2. HannahS*

      I wrote the MCAT three times, so I feel you. Take a break, give yourself lavish rewards for studying? In the last few weeks before I wrote, I studied with a friend at the mall for a few hours, and then had ice cream. Every day! It was a real treat. Just make everything easy, if you have the money–buy healthy nourishing food that you don’t have to cook. Buy chocolate ice cream cones every day, then watch episodes of the Great British Bake Off before bed!

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Great advice! I was going to suggest jumping jack breaks until you’re grateful to sit down and study, but I like the ice cream idea SO much better!
        Best of Luck on your MCAT!

      2. Lost in the Woods*

        There’s a guy who sells frozen lemonade outside the library, so I might have to start treating myself!

        I think you’re right that I’m basically going to have to start tricking my brain with small rewards to overcome the ego depletion. Tomorrow I’ll bring some chocolate chips to the library! Also no more studying at night, I’m done when I need to make dinner.

        2. Dr. Anonymous*

          I agree. You need more breaks. Burnout does not help your memory or thinking skills at all. (I took the very last paper MCAT, so my actual test-taking experience was different, but I suspect the agony is the same.)

    3. Sparrow*

      I did the MCAT (3rd or 4th offering of the new test) during a summer when I also had an internship and a part time job. It was not a fun summer, but I got it done and got a score that worked for me. It’s really hard, but try not to take any scores seriously unless they are from the official AAMC practice test (Kaplan and Princeton Review tried to replicate the scoring algorithms, but weren’t very successful, at least when I took it). Take notes on things you get wrong, then take notes on those notes. Also, when I’m not feeling motivated, it helps me to give myself a choice- either flashcards, or reviewing a practice test, for example. That way you can avoid a task and still get something done. Finally, since you still have a month of studying to do, try giving yourself one full weekend off.
      Also, probably don’t drink a 5 hour energy for only the second time on the day of the test (hi, it me)
      Good luck!

    4. Ranon*

      One of the things that will best help all the studying actually stick in your brain is getting good sleep, good nutrition (and exercise, if your body’s up for it). It will also help re-build your emotional discipline and resilience if you have better physical resources.Your brain is, after all, housed in your body!

      Not that you’re looking for more reading, but Emily Nagoski’s book Burnout has some good exercises for getting the physical side of emotional burnout recovered, might be worth a skim.

      As for emotionally getting through a crap ton of content, some of which you don’t care about at all in nonsense formats that are kind of absurd (at least that’s what my professional exams were like in my field…) I recommend lots of whining about how awful it is to someone who can at least pretend to be sympathetic. Preferably in detail so you’re technically still studying, lol. If you’re a figity person I found doing a question or two, pacing away in announce, and coming back to do a few more worked okay. If there’s a cool central library or fancy university library open to the public near you (preferably like the architecture school one or something non-med school related) sometimes studying somewhere fancy where other people are also studying will help me focus.

      For stamina, I hope you’re not trying to knock out 7.5 hour testing sessions now – think of it like marathon training, right now you just need to be able to do an hour or two, you can work up to the whole length by the end of the month. And rest days are a thing for training, especially when you’re recovering from a (brain) injury. Plus adrenaline will get you over the last hump anyhow, come actual testing time.

  61. Teapot Translator*

    Update on my saga with the bike.
    I caught a cold, so all exercise was put on hold.
    Today, I decided to go on a bike path to get some practice in.
    It was okay. Very stressful.
    Didn’t end well though, nearly hit a man and his tiny dogs.
    I’m feeling some leftover stress from the near miss, but I’ll try to get some practice tomorrow.

    1. StellaBella*

      Oh I love that you are so persistent. I cannot ride a bike and tried last year. After 4 months I sold it and walk or bus it places as usual. I have bad balance, tho. Keep going tho, it is incredible to have a new skill!

    2. Lizabeth*

      Have you considered a three wheeler instead of two? That way the balance while steering issue is off the table.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I have, but I’d feel like a failure (why can other people do it but not me?). I might as well not bike. I think my mom’s old bike (three wheeler) is still in the shed. It would be an option for next year.

          1. Trixie*

            Definitely another option for biking. I wish I’d had one when I lived near farmer’s market, I would have added a trailer or wagon for the weekly haul.

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      I would really go for a bigger space for a lot longer before you go on a bike path. You’re still learning to steer the bike and trying to learn to look at where you want to go instead of what you want to not hit is too much, especially when anxiety-brain really really really wants you to look at what to not hit. Which you then tend to move towards. Give yourself more time. You’ll get there. It took me a VERY LONG TIME to get comfortable on a bike, and I learned when I was a kid and it’s supposed to be easy. And then it took a VERY LONG TIME again when I was adult and went back to it. Before I was done I was doing short winter commutes on icy roads. But it took a VERY LONG TIME. I suspect you’re no more broken than I am.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      “nearly hit a man and his tiny dogs.”

      My wise friend would say, “Think! In the end, you did not hit them! Think!”
      And it’s true we have to pull our emotions out for a minute and actually consider the fact that we successfully avoided a bad situation.
      And this is not the first time you have avoided a bad situation. Believe it or not, this is what successful learning looks like.

      Keep going, keep trying. For me, working in short spurts was my in-road. I could work on anything for 20 minutes. The trick was to keep doing that 20 minutes over and over and over.

    5. Teapot Translator*

      Chapter two of this week’s saga.
      I went back out there. I decided to go earlier. Fewer people but more people with their tiny dogs! Omg. Fortunately, I just saw them from afar.
      It took an hour, from the moment I left my apartment to coming back. So maybe 30 minutes of cycling? I did two full laps of the route I gave myself.
      I was able to start straight twice (out of four departures)! And I stopped after two laps because that was enough stress.
      I did see a person and their tiny child cycling. The kid had the same problem I have of the front wheel not going straight, but their bike was so tiny, that the impact was less.
      Another observation, at the moment, I prefer to add resistence because I get nervous feeling like I’m pedalling easily. But, I did notice that pedalling fast did not mean that I was going faster necessarily. It just added stability.

      2. Courageous cat*

        Increased cadence is a good thing is my understanding. The faster you pedal the more stable you should be (I think)

  63. Double A*

    I’m looking for some stories/tips about weaning.

    I have an almost 10 month old who is still happily nursing. I’m mostly happy nursing her, but I am starting to get tired of being a slave to my boobs and want to start thinking about what weaning would look like, even though I will probably not do it for awhile, maybe even a year.

    Things I like about nursing include that I don’t worry about feeding her. I just give her various foods, but my milk is like a safety net of complete nutrition. I like that I don’t have to worry about snacks when we’re out and about. I like snuggling with her and soothing her. I like that I’m burning some extra calories without trying because exercise has been tough to come by.

    Things I don’t like include pumping. Ugh. Pumping. My parents have my daughter for the day and I’m engorged and know I have to pump and I just don’t want to. I hate hooking myself up, sitting around, and cleaning all the stupid parts.

    I also do not love that my daughter has become increasingly acrobatic in her nursing (it’s like…30% adorable and hilarious and 70% annoyed). She stands, twists, does arabesques, does squats, tries to nurse upside down, and pops off at the slightest distraction, spraying breast milk all over both of us and exposing me.

    So anyway, just looking for some experiences about how you decided to wean and how you went about it. (I know breastfeeding can be a front in the mommy wars and I have less than zero interest in those, I’m just interested in hearing about different people’s experiences and thought processes!)

    1. Approval is optional*

      It’s been a long, long time since I weaned my daughter, so I don’t remember many details of the process I used (other than it was a gradual process – increasing the time between feeds until only the first and last of the day were happening, then dropping those two after a month or two), but I do remember having a ‘rule’ that feeding only happened if she was lying down – so acrobatics, beyond a little wriggling about, ended the feed. I treated it as just what happens – so no reproving tone of voice, more ‘oh ok, it’s time to do something else now’.

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Re acrobatics, I started really early with saying things like “owie! That hurts Mommy!” when my kid would do things like bite, slap, pinch, or, yeah, try to jump around and stuff. You’re allowed to have boundaries with baby! And TBH I think it helps kids to understand that it’s easier to get what you want/need (nursing) when you’re nice to the person in the position to give it.

      Past 6 months they don’t need to nurse exclusively for nutrition, so I’d also gently suggest that if you need to, don’t be afraid to close up your shirt and say, “Oh, no, that hurt Mommy. Nurse later.” Then, you know, “later” can be a really soon, but not so soon that baby doesn’t get the point: Hurt Mommy? No nurse.

      As for weaning, I’m probably not much help. We night-nursed until I went bananas at about 14 months, then quit nursing completely almost exactly at age 2. That’s not a schedule for everybody but it worked for us. At age 2, I could say, “Sorry, I’m wearing complicated clothes” (like a one-piece dress) “so we’ll nurse later,” and it’s not like the kid was nursing for hunger at that point, so it worked. After a couple of weeks we were nursing only once every other day or so, and I decided I was done. I said, “There’s no more, sorry!” and my kid understood this to mean, “I drank it all up!” and we were pretty cool.

      1. Double A*

        Yeah I’m definitely starting to cut her off when she’s being too bananas! I just say, “I don’t think you’re hungry right now.” and close up shop. When she’s actually hungry she’s much more calm about nursing.

        Do your boobs just kind of adapt to the new schedule? Just wondering how long of an uncomfortable period there might be…

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          When we quit might nursing, I had some discomfort and mood swings with hormones. Less discomfort but repeated mood swings when we quit for good. TBH I don’t think my kid was actually getting anything by the time we finally quit!

    3. YetAnotherUsername*

      I decided to wean because we wanted to try again. I dropped one feed a week and replaced with formula. It was easy. I kept the first feed of the morning till last coz that’s the handiest!

      Since baby is already 10 months you can go straight to formula from a sippy cup and not worry about bottles.

    4. Madge*

      You can definitely set up some non-punitive natural consequences for the acrobatics. Try reacting a little earlier so you can easily and calmly cut her off. And prepare to be on and off repeatedly as she figures out what’s going on and tests the boundaries. This is good practice for you for later years and lays the groundwork for her to learn that mom means what she says. I’d suggest you let her nurse first and then give her solid foods, so she’s hungry and interested, but you don’t want her to fill up on milk. Maybe you could shift your nursing to a time when she’s more cuddly and less likely to squirm. She might also decide that if she can’t jump around while nursing that she’d rather not bother and wean herself.

    5. Anona*

      I have a baby a similar age as you, and am trying to figure out this too. I read something (maybe on Kellymom?) about not offering/not refusing, which I liked. I’ve heard that weaning can also be a hormonal roller coaster, so I’m nervous about that. Not sure when we’re doing it, but it’s definitely on my radar! I plan to gradually drop my work pumps around the year mark, because also hate pumping.

      1. Anona*

        Oh & I also stop nursing sessions when she starts biting. That’s been a fair amount recently, so that may contribute to weaning too, for better or worse

    6. Lilysparrow*

      When my kids got bitey or acrobatic during nursing and it was physically uncomfortable for me, I’d just pop them off and say “No” or “settle down,” just the same as if they were hitting me while playing. They figure out quickly that co-operating is necessary to get the Magic Milk! Unconditional love & nurturing does not mean you have to let them hurt you or strain your back, etc.

      Since milk is becoming less of her diet & being replaced by other foods, can you drop a pumping session, or space them out differently during the day so you can gradually work toward dropping one? You’ll be amazed how adaptable a well-established supply is. By the time she’s one, you might be able to get away with no pumping during the work day and just feeding her at night.

      With #1, we nursed until 15 months. I was conflicted about stopping, but it was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and she started losing interest. (Come to find out, I was unexpectedly pregnant and had lost my supply, so she was hardly getting any). By the time we stopped, it was mostly just a question of changing up the bedtime routine so that we did a different type of soothing activity that didn’t make her expect it. I think once or twice she patted my boobs to nurse, and I told her the milk was all gone. She was like, “whatever.”

      With #2, it was rougher because we were in the midst of several other family crises (health issues, job issues, grieving, nobody sleeping, general chaos). We made it until she was just past 2, and I had to start sleeping through the night for my health. We gradually dropped feeds and then hired a night nurse to soothe her overnight while I slept elsewhere for a couple of nights.

      I think the last feed to go was afternoon nap. By the time we’d dropped the night feeds, and I was sleeping/feeling better, it wasn’t so hard.

      When they are over 12 months, and especially over 24 months, it’s much easier because you don’t get as engorged, and because you don’t have to worry about them getting enough to eat. It’s just a supplement at that point.

      The part I missed most was when they were sick or we were traveling after weaning. With my Magic Soothing Superpower gone, I was kind of at a loss and had to scramble for what to do.

      1. Double A*

        I think I’m moving towards dropping a pumping session mostly out of laziness…I just let more time pass. Also I’m home for the summer so I only pump on days I’m not with her, which is usually just once or twice a week. By the time I start school up again one pump might be enough!

        I’d love to drop the night feeds in the next couple of months but I fear those will be the hardest due to the strength I’ll need not to do the easy go-to to just get her to go back to sleep so I can go back to sleep, ha. Sleep training at the beginning of the night was no problem but I just can’t put up with doing it in the middle of the night, not when I can just pop a boob in…but probably the balance of my tolerance will shift at some point and we’ll do it.

    7. Parenthetically*

      I wanted to for sure make it to a year. I ended up nursing my son for 20 months — but the last 6 weeks-ish we were doing just the bedtime feed, and 6-ish weeks before that it was just the wakeup feed and the bedtime feed. Because we’d been very very slowly dropping feeds as he got increasingly disinterested, it was actually a really easy transition. A bit bittersweet doing that last bedtime feed knowing it was the last one.

      I never pumped. So stressful.

    8. Ranon*

      You can stop pumping and keep nursing. We started supplementing with formula at 9 month so I didn’t have to increase pumping time, I stopped pumping at 12 months, and we weaned at 16 months (and by we I mean my child, who could not be bothered to stay still that long anymore when other food was available for eating).

      My kiddo was really into solids, though, so snacks and such weren’t a big deal. Their eating can change a lot in a few months at this age- what seems like essential nutrition from you now could be mostly snacking in a few months.

    9. Tomato Anonymato*

      PSA here since there is awareness now about post-partum depression but not much info that you can have a post-weaning depression too. And, strong hormonal reaction when weaning in general – I swear I thought I was pregnant after weaning (cramping in abdomen, super thirsty, peeing all the time, sensitive breast, just all sorts of fun physical and emotional symptoms). Basically, I ended up taking some sick days to get myself sorted out.

      I hear you on the annoyance part, we just cut down when my child was older to one session/day so even if they were away from home during the day they could still nurse. If there are some things that your daughter associates with nursing, finding replacements – like, reading an extra book and cuddling instead of nursing before a nap. Communicating about what is going on when cutting down the number of nursing sessions: “We won’t nurse now, instead we will read a book, but we will nurse in the evening” (and “I am sorry, I know you really wanted to nurse.”.) And, being sure in your mind & heart that it is okay, so you can be gentle but decisive about it.

      My decision making on why I kept going was the nutrition factor and how helpful it was to nurse whenever kid was sick. Nursing once or twice a day – and not having to pump – made things much easier for me and I kept nursing past 2 years. At the end, I was ready! ;-) But indeed, this is so individual and depends on what works best for you and your child!

      When weaning, peppermint tea to decrease milk production and cabbage leaves to alleviate breast swelling.

      Good luck with the transition, whenever you decide to make it!

    10. Not A Manager*

      In my (long-ago) experience, you can wean using the same supply-and-demand system that you used to establish nursing. The first thing to do is to stop pumping. When you pump (as I’m sure you know), you’re telling the milk supply system that that milk is needed, so you wind up continuing to produce that milk. Instead of doing the pumping that you hate, treat engorgement by manually expressing only enough milk to ease the discomfort. Use cool compresses if you are really in distress. Within a very short time, you should be producing less milk in between your current feedings.

      In terms of gradual weaning, this might be enough for you. I was able to comfort nurse for several months in the mornings and evenings before and after work, with very little day time engorgement. My child and I got the closeness and benefits of comfort nursing without my distress at trying to maintain or deal with a full milk supply. When you or your child get tired of the occasional nursing, it can taper off gradually and your milk will dry up.

      Basically I would suggest only offering the breast as often as it works for you and your child, provide the majority of nutrition from other sources, and try not to “tell” your breasts that you need additional milk by pumping.

    11. Nita*

      I’m pretty sure I was starting to drop pumping sessions at that age. It went fine, I kept up enough supply for morning and evening feedings well after I stopped pumping in the daytime. I just slowly replaced milk with solids plus formula (and eventually, cow’s milk), one meal at a time.

      I love how easy it is to have milk as a safety net. On the flip side, I think nursing makes me feel drained, and it’s not as relaxing as it used to be because the kid is constantly jumping and waving her arms while she eats. She’s also very easily distracted, so she doesn’t get enough milk or solids in the daytime, and makes up the difference at night. I’m looking forward to weaning in the hope that she’ll actually start eating full meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and stop waking me up…

  64. The Man, Becky Lynch*

    The wacky summer weather patterns are wrecking my sinuses. I cleared up after 3 weeks of sinusitis a month ago. And now the clouds are back, crushing my energy level and so many aches. This on top of anxiety is starting to be crushing nonsense.

    And I feel like a total brat since others are dealing with heatwaves. I’m not burning up but my head hurts *whine*.

    1. Pennalynn Lott*

      I empathize. I was supposed to do a volunteer thing today at a Ronald McDonald House, but I can’t tell if my stuffy-head, sinus thing is communicable or weather-based, so I wasn’t able to go. :-(

    2. ..Kat..*

      Ugh. Me too. I hope we have minimal wildfires this year. I remember the year we could taste the air. And, of course, I don’t want firefighters risking their lives and people having property destroyed.

    3. TPS Cover Sheet*

      I get pressure migraines. It isn’t an exact science as the low pressure can be rumbling, it’s rather the difference between the two fronts. I had it worse as a kid, I remember crawling into the potato cellar as it was cold and dark… my parents thought I was scared of the thunder, heck, I’d be running in the rain butt naked as the headache went away. I’ve had a lingering headache now for a couple of weeks due to us cycling weather *and no proper thunderstorms*… fortunately it wasn’t as bad as the other year I had to have a bucket full of ice water and lay next to the toilet puking… I guess I was missing the potato cellar.

  65. Me--Blargh!*

    Armchair kitty, heh heh.

    Well. I got a rejection email this morning from the mentorship program. F*ck. It was a long shot anyway. On the good side, I guess there are a few things:

    – The pressure to get out of here very fast is off.

    – I can still sell the house and camp at Mum’s for a bit, and I can still apply out of state. I can temp in the meantime so as to have money coming in and be out of Mum’s way while she’s busy (she works from home).

    – This might actually be MORE flexible, as I can say to far-flung employers, “I’m staying temporarily with family in BiggerCity, and I’m free to relocate quickly.” I can shove my essential crap in my car and be wherever in three days.

    – I have time to decide what crap is essential. Also time to get rid of the things I don’t want/need. I already sold the giant entertainment setup I had in the bedroom (the people are supposed to come back for the cabinet today). I made enough money to pay the yard guy to get rid of the tree debris pile in the front, which will make the house look better.

    This doesn’t mean I won’t get what I want, just that it might be a different way. I’ve pretty much told the universe, “I don’t care HOW we do it; just help me make X and Y happen please.”

    I’m still bummed though. :\

    1. Breast Solidarity*

      weird my comment disappeared.

      I am so sorry you didn’t get the mentorship, I know you really wanted it. I hope in the future it becomes a reality.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      I’m sorry that window slammed shut, but I’m hoping a door is opening somewhere soon for you. Things are progressing and I’m hoping you are encouraging by the obvious progress!!! Selling stuff, things going… it’s got to be a little liberating?

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        Yeah, and how’s this for irony? The people who are buying my furniture are really nice, and they’re nerds. I have new nerd friends now and I’m LEAVING. -_-

  66. JediSquirrel*

    Just sent copies of my zine to Canada today. That’s the first time I’ve sent it out of the US!

    Also, signed up for Netflix to watch Lost in Space. The first few episodes were Meh, but it’s really picked up and I am enjoying it.

    1. TPS Cover Sheet*

      They got a lot of scifi. Check out the shorts series, Love, Death & Robots…. if you like them, ”Dust” channel on Youtube.

      1. JediSquirrel*

        Thanks! I will definitely check those out.

        You’re right, though. There is plenty of nerdy geeky stuff there. My weekends are all set!

  67. Breast Solidarity*

    Rough week in Chemo-land.

    Physically this week was better than last (though I now understand why people on chemo often GAIN weight — having to eat something every 15 minutes to keep the nausea at bay). BUT on Thursday the hair loss started. I thought it would be a bit more gradual but I felt a bit like Wiley Coyote who chased Road Runner into some instant-hair-loss set up — it was a LOT all at once, and shedding like mad since. I shaved my head (mostly) Thursday night, but still shedding and scalp is tender and itchy. This was a bigger deal emotionally because the wigs I got online look NOTHING like in the pictures, AND I tried to wear a wig yesterday and it would not stay in place at all. I have this silicone thingy that wraps around my head that is supposed to keep it in place but didn’t help at all and fell of itself.

    To make matters worse, I was trying to make an appointment with a place 2 hours away that does wigs for women undergoing chemo. In my mind I had it built up to be my saving grace. Instead they had me send photos of my hair and ended up shaming me for having curly hair and calling my salt-and-pepper hair an “unusual color” and telling me they couldn’t help me. Trigger complete melt-down. Not at all what I needed, and now I don’t have a decent wig to wear to work on Monday.

    The oncology department I am getting my care at has wig fittings 3 times a month, but they are all in the middle of the work day. As are all the support groups, including caregiver support (which my husband desperately needs!) I am just so frustrated.

    A word of advice to the two others who have posted recently about new cancer diagnoses — ask NOW about shingles and pneumococcal vaccination. My plan was switched from surgery to chemo so fast that by the time I asked there was no time to get them in time to be effective before chemo.

      1. Breast Solidarity*

        Yeah I have been looking at scarves too, but at work I want plausible deniability.

        I love the curse you just put on the wig place! I know we live in a culture that views curly hair as a Serious Moral Failing, but it really felt like kicking me when I was down. I am also surprised how few wigs are made in shades of grey — even companies that purport to specialize in wigs for cancer patients. Given the demographics of cancer this seems bizarre (and I have cousins who were completely grey before 30, and suspect my sister was too but colors it, so there are a fair number of younger folks with shades of grey as well)

        I did have something good happen today — found a four leafed clover on my walk then a wig I ordered yesterday came unexpectedly today and it is much cheaper than the one I couldn’t get to stay in place AND it is longer and looks good enough I feel confident going to work on Monday! YEAH!

        1. Breast Solidarity*

          oh — and the new wig was about 1/3 the price of the other one! Since I didn’t have to wear it (because I couldn’t!) I can send it back :)

          Glad I checked the mail today :)

      2. Breast Solidarity*

        OOOOOO I checked and they have “scarf grippers”! I was worrying about scarves staying in place too! THis is great!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          When I wrap, I’ve had great luck with a velvet headband from Wrapunzel (dot com) to keep the scarf in place – and they’re Velcro, so very adjustable so’s not to squeeze or slip. Tip – make sure the velvet is smooth when you stroke a finger forward toward your face and rough when you stroke back away from it. That’s how it helps “grip” the scarf. (The site also has a ton of nice scarves and different style wrap tutorials.)

        2. ..Kat..*

          Scarves for bald heads are made from different fabrics than regular scarves. Regular scarf fabric slips off of bald heads. So, shop for scarves for people doing chemotherapy. The places that specialize in chemotherapy scarves can also show you how to do eyebrows and other eye makeup. They also tend to have really kind sales assistants. Many of these assistants have “been there done that” and can give good advice. Also, they can tell you about support groups and other services that you might not otherwise hear about.

          I am sorry you are having to go through this. I wish you the best.

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        I love your curse. It’s the verbal equivalent of kicking someone while wearing ice skates.

    2. Anona*

      Ugh. I hope you get some good wig solutions soon. That’s really lame. Maybe appropriate for an online review if/when you’re up to it for that one especially lame place?
      I also hope your husband can find a good evening support group. Can he do therapy if he can’t locate one? I hear good things about the psychology today website for finding a therapist. I hope next week is much, much better for you, with some good wins (lol, it autocorrected to wine- not sure if you can do alcohol now, but I’m raising an imaginary glass of wine in your honor!)

      1. Breast Solidarity*

        Yeah, I don’t do alcohol anyways but with the chemical warfare going on inside me I think it would really not be good, but I appreciate the toast :)

        I have been encouraging him to go to therapy, but in some ways I think a support group for other spouses would help him feel less alone than therapy, as well as help him maybe with strategies to help me without getting overwhelmed? I may check the American Cancer Society now that I think of it to see if they have lists of support groups. Thank you for helping me think of that!

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Holy cats! I’m sorry you’re having such trouble with wigs.
      Is there anything online about what other chemo patients do for wigs/hats, etc?
      I hope there’s a good solution for you soon.
      Sending good thoughts.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      I’m fresh out of good advice today… considering the 3 years I spent taking DH to the chemo unit (all the stints added together)… you’d think I’d have practical suggestions. I just have a gentle hug.

    5. LivingMyLife*

      I am three years post chemo, but my hair hasn’t return as full as I need it to be. So, I am doing a wig. My favorite is Jamison by Estetica. I buy it on wigs.com. It’s not curly, but you may be able to find something that will work. If a wig doesn’t quite look right, take it to your hairdresser. If it’s a good quality wig, she can make it look great. My hairdresser totally changed the look of the wig and I love it. I get a lot of compliments and people ask how long it takes me to do my hair in the morning. The answer is a minute, at the most. Hope you get well soon!

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sorry all this is happening but I’m glad that one of the wigs worked out (and is cheaper than the one from that bad-tempered store. Karma. Ha.).
      Maybe your husband can find a nearby (or semi-nearby) chapter of the Well Spouse Association? They have a web presence. Apologies if you’re outside the U.S. because I can’t recall if they have expanded beyond our (USA’s) borders. The group I joined meets twice a month, once on a week night and once on a weekend, during the day.

      1. Breast Solidarity*

        Ah the wig that slid was from yet another online shop, not the evil bees place. But now I have one that a close family member didn’t even realize was a wig when sent a photo!

        Thank you for the Well Spouse Association! I hadn’t heard of it. It looks like there are no groups in my state/neighboring state, but they do have other resources I can point him to.

    8. Observer*

      I’m so glad you found a wig that works for you! If you need another wig and these guys don’t have something for you, there are alternatives.

      If you are near an area with a significant Orthodox Jewish population, you might want to look at wig sellers that cater to that population. If you’re not in the right area, look at some of the brands that cater to this market. Most of them have decent web sites.

      The wigs are not necessarily cheap, so that’s something to keep in mind. But some of the prices are good, sales also help. And many brands have a WIDE price range. The up-side is that these wigs tend to look really good if you get one that fits right.

      Some links in a reply post.

      2. Breast Solidarity*

        Yes, we have no significant Orthodox population here, but I have been trying to find websites, and I asked an Orthodox friend (who doesn’t wear a wig) but haven’t hear d back from her. I am open to suggestions!

  68. Invisible Fish*

    Book/website suggestion request:

    My parents have reached their 70s. They have health issues that are managed, BUT they are in denial about severity of these issues. I’m very proactive about things in MY life, and their reactive stance in regard to their own lives is …. only a meme or gif of someone pulling her hair out while shrieking would really communicate how I’m dealing (internally!).

    I’m looking for ideas on how to proceed in a mentally/emotionally healthy way. I’d like to think of how to more effectively communicate to them the need for being proactive as well as adjust my own expectations and learn to respond to choices I don’t agree with calmly and realistically.

    That’s probably a cluttered, multi-prong request …. sorry!! Anyone been in similar situations and read anything that helped them?

    1. Wishing You Well*

      You can only do you. They will continue to do them. Expect them to keep doing what they’re doing and adjust your actions and thoughts accordingly. Assume nothing you can say or do will change their reactive stance to life.
      My grandparents were very difficult to the end. Nothing diverted them from the paths they were on. It was insanity to think they would change. Still loved them, though. Very much.
      Talk to an expert on how to help YOU get through this. Fingers crossed.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        Agreed. I’m watching my boyfriend go through this with his parents. And me, to a certain degree, with my own mom.

        What I can tell you with 100% surety is that there does not exist some magical combination of words, delivered *just so*, that will make another human being change. The only thing I’ve found that makes situations/relationships like this tenable is to mourn NOW the people I’d hoped they’d become, and then go forward with the solid understanding that this is it. What I’m seeing is what I’ll be getting for the rest of their life.

        So look less in the direction of “effectively communicate to them the need for being proactive” and more in the direction of “adjust my own expectations and learn to respond to choices I don’t agree with calmly and realistically.”

        For the latter, pretty much any book that is aimed at the partner or family member of someone with a personality disorder or addiction will work. Not that your parents have either one of those, but the tools to not drive yourself crazy over the actions of others are the same whether it’s mental illness, addiction, dementia, a clash of personal styles, or what-have-you.

    2. fposte*

      In addition to what others are saying, it might be worth thinking what you mean by “proactive.” Do you mean you think they should be looking at retirement communities, identifying in-home nursing services, being better at taking their meds, understanding that you’re not available for the kind of 24/7 attendance that’s being discussed in several upthread comments?

      I’m a planner myself, but honestly, being proactive only gets you so much when you’re talking the golden years and declining health. It may legitimately not be worth it to them. And as long as you can separate yourself from it, it’s a choice they get to make. It can hard to watch when you think yours would be so much better–been there, done that–but ultimately you really do have to make your peace with their making their own way.

      1. fposte*

        BTW, that doesn’t mean you can’t be helpful and offer the occasional suggestion, or be clear on your own limitations. But you have to find a way to roll with it and let go when they don’t follow your lead.

      2. WS*

        +1, I work with a lot of elderly people and very few of them will plan for declining health – usually there is a crisis of some kind and then it all happens at once. Also, sometimes their adult children are in denial about how being proactive will mean that everything is okay and these crises won’t happen! I had one patient who was very upset because she and her elderly mother had planned a transition into an independent living facility, but then her mother had a fall and now was too frail for the independent living facility and they had to start planning all over again.

        1. Rebecca*

          Oh wow, so well said. Going through this with my Mom right now. Independent and going here and there, all the time hiding health issues and making do – until 25 days ago when she fell and broke her arm. Now everything is in an uproar.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        “It may legitimately not be worth it to them.”

        Yep. Values shift, priorities shift.

        Younger people (the role I played) are trying to build up their lives. It’s a bit mind-bending to watch someone wind down their lives. The needs are different. The goals are different.

        We want to protect them.
        We don’t want them to leave us.
        We don’t want them to suffer needlessly.
        [Huh. Sounds like a parent talking about their kid. Hence, the role reversal.]

        Sometimes we just want them to become the parent they never were.

        If we are lucky we can soften their fall. Lessen damage here and there. That’s about as good as it gets.

        The stuff we think of to worry about usually does not happen or if it does, the story is much tamer than what we saw in our mind’s eye.

        Another tool I used was I thought about what I would want if I was in their shoes. This helped me say NO to an autopsy for my mother. It helped me sign a DNR for my father when DNRs were not the norm.

        Separating ones self. Many times people slowly exit our lives. I call this the fade out. It gives us time to figure out what we will do without them, WHILE they are still here. It’s scary thinking about this. And then we see them still here and we are comforted for the moment.

        The parent-child attachment is so strong, according to one article I read that with a parent’s final illness and passing the adult child begins to exhibit the symptoms that will eventually cause their demise. Docs have noticed this pattern. This is how much of a deal it is with the parents.

        When I lost my last parent, my health fell apart. My best advice is start now, hydrate regularly, eat plenty of fruits and veggies, take walks and get regular rest. If you fortify your body and mind you will be sharper and able to cope better. Yes, this will help with having patience with them.

        The second most important thing to do, is what you are already doing. Talk with others. Look for people whose opinions you respect and ask them questions. Do not allow yourself to walk alone. My mother’s care required an army of people. My father burned through 28 doctors in his last 30 days (CCU shift rotation). All total, I probably met hundreds of people. Most of them I cannot remember, unless they were very kind or very mean.

        I ended up calling the whole experience “One Last Lesson”. My mother showed me what NOT to do and my father showed me what to do when my turn comes.

        If you do the best you can given your givens, then you have been a good child to your parent. If you look back in 20 years and say, “oh I should have done this or that” you have NOT failed. You have matured and allowed yourself to grow wiser, that is all.

    3. MountRushmore*

      Agingcare.com has numerous discussion boards for children/spouses/friends etc. and I found it a lifeline when I need it – both to vent and to try and deal with things better.

    4. MatKnifeNinja*

      People have the right to trainwreck their lives right in front of you, if they can tell the difference between an apple and an orange.

      When people feel they are losing control of their lives (real or perceived), they regress coping wise between the ages 3 to 6.

      If you keep the above in mind, you will not get gray hairs or ulcers dealing with your parents.

      The first statement is unless they are really cognitively impaired, all you can do is suggest. They legally have the right to refuse treatment or take suggestions.

      Second statement-The sh*t hits the fan, and they lose a leg due to not taking care of their diabetes. They want you to be there 24/7, whether you can realistically do it or not. Then the screaming, pouting, threats and other nonsense starts. It’s the same deal as a 4 year old not wanting to leave a playground. Losing control is scary, and being rational about choices never seems to be mixed into it.

      Add in the fear of dying in a nursing home or hospital, my parents tripled down on the horrible behavior. It made no sense. Neither had dementia. They worked against their best interests.

      So..all you can do is make suggestions and keep keep hard boundaries of what you will not be guilted into doing. You can’t make them do anything. If dad has 4 stents and still goes to McD, it doesn’t matter how many yummy salads you bring over. Figure out a plan that works for you.

      Just like they can’t make you do x, y or z, they aren’t going to change unless they want it. Keep making non judgmental suggestions, and let the rest go. You can be right and wind up not have a relationship.

      Good luck! I had 30 odd years of dealing with parents who took the phrase “stubborn as a mule” to new heights.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        This was really helpful for me. I’m not even the OP. But…absolutely what I needed today. Thank you.

      2. Alexandra Lynch*

        Yeah. The last six years of my marriage were dealing with his inability to work, a massive heart attack, diabetes, developing congestive heart failure, and having his hoarding exacerbated by grief.

        We can’t save people who don’t want to be saved. Sometimes when you hold a reasonable boundary it means you can’t have a relationship. And it’s heartbreaking and horrible, but it’s the truth.

        I still miss him. But I miss the man he was once, not the man he is now. And I couldn’t live with the man he is now. Our sons are grown and don’t spend time with him, either.

  69. Booksalot*

    New twist to my ongoing “my generic e-mail address gets tons of stuff not meant for me” saga: yet another person sent me sensitive financial information for a total stranger, and when I replied that he had the wrong person, he argued with me about it. “Are you sure? Your name is on the attached form.”

    Apparently I’m not capable of understanding my own identity. I think I just leveled up on mansplaining. :p

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      I get this too… I was (since I started on the web in the dark ages) one of the first 1000 or so people on the alphabet company’s email service. I made the mistake of using just my first initial last name. Unfortunately, there are many, many people who think they’ve registered for it, mis-type it, or something.
      * I’ve gotten the entire access to someone’s Hilton Honor points – I tried to fix it but the Hilton folks just ignored me, as “I” rose to lofty heights…It took 18 months and finally he (I had his home address and much more) got around to changing the email address. I did not use them for a trip to HI.
      *Real estate contracts, legal notices (from the UK, New Zealand, and Australia, and those are just the ones this summer).
      * Reminders of “my” rugby match, wedding rehearsal instructions, baby shower gift invites, and much, much more.
      LOL. But most folks don’t argue with me. That’s a new low.

      1. Dan*

        Wow on the HH points. I’m a bit surprised it was that easy for you to actually get access to them (as opposed to just knowing the balance) as you’d need to some know other identifying pieces of information to get the PIN number sent to the email so you could get full account access.

        And… as someone who uses miles and points religiously, I’m actually sort of curious what would have happened if you used his points. Some people don’t give two hoots about these things (ok fine) but if you were to have used them, and somehow he found out later, what then?

        Actually, I’m going to take a SWAG based on experience: I think they would have sent *you* a cash bill and refunded him the points. Presumably, you would have had to check in with your real name and ID, and they’d have a record of that.

        My experience: After we split, my ex somehow got access to one of my hotel accounts. I’m surfing the web one day, and all of a sudden I get an email notice “your reservation has been confirmed”… for that night. Uh, what? So I called the hotel and got it cancelled. They stuck a “PIN” on the account. Two hours later, I get another email. This time, she had managed to check in. I asked about the PIN and they said that it didn’t do very much (it was just a note on the account that was easy to overlook.) Well, it turns out that the program requirement says that I have to be staying in the room, and because I wasn’t, it wasn’t a “valid” reservation. (That’s what they told me anyway.) So they cancelled the rez, gave me my points back, and stuck her with the bill.

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Yeah, I was also getting all of his receipts, reservations, statements… and that all had his home address, phone, etc…and when I tried to get them to at least remove my email from his account, they just emailed me the re-set info for the account (I tried 4 times to work with them to fix it). But I NOT want to use those points. I used to travel for work, and frankly, it’s semi-miserable to be on the road 4 nights a week (it’s not like it was the Fairmont in SF racking up the points). I figured he was earning them the hard way.
          Eventually, he must have corrected the email. I quit getting the statements, reservations, confirmations, receipts, and the HH status congratulations. sigh.

          sorry about the ex… you have had it rough! At least you didn’t lose the points? (smile)

          1. PharmaCat*

            I still occassionally run into people who don’t understand that you have to sign up for email. You can’t just start using an address and give it out to people – especially if it’s already mine.

            2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

              Sometimes they…may not be? I had a situation where I told a company (Comcast) that I did not really have an email account that I wished to use while signing up for service (internet service in this case) and went through the sign-up process without giving them one.

              Apparently, rather than (a) argue with me about whether or not I had an email address or (b) set me up with one on their service (which was my long-term plan here – I wanted Comcast to only have my Comcast email address rather than clutter up my other one with their junk), the person setting up my service just invented a gmail account based on my name without mentioning it to me. (I definitely did not give them a fake gmail account.) I found all of this out months later when I went back into one of their showrooms to figure out why they never mailed me any information on how to set up my online account with them since I wanted to start using their mobile hotspots and such. (Presumably, that was instead sent to not-my-email.)

              On the other hand, back in the 90s I had the username Schmendrick on Yahoo (if anyone here remembers me from roleplaying-based Yahoo chatrooms at the time, hi, I guess). Once Yahoo started offering email I got so very much email intended for every other The Last Unicorn fan out there whenever I checked that account, most specifically from one number-at-the-end Schmendrick who would become angry with me if she did not feel I was sufficiently polite in letting her assorted correspondents know they had the wrong person, which happened A LOT because I think she was pretty bad at remembering her email address. I eventually closed the account because I just wasn’t using Yahoo often enough to make it worth it, but it was pretty much always over half her stuff in my inbox since it wasn’t my main email provider so my mail was mostly going elsewhere.

          2. Dan*

            Thanks. I left out the best part. If you really want to know, I’ll dish. It’s a doozy I promise. Stuff so bizarre you can’t make it up. (I ain’t going through the hassle of typing it up if nobody’s gonna read it.)

            It’s funny about “the hard way” and not wanting to use the stuff. There was a four year stretch when I was in school and was at various levels of elite status with Northwest (RIP). At the time, all I knew about “miles” was how to get and keep elite status. I knew nothing about the redeemable miles and didn’t care. One day, after I finish one school program and was about to start the next, I decided that I needed a vacation and that my miles had to be worth something. (I think at that point I must have accumulated 500,000 miles. I had no idea how much I had until I decided I wanted to use them. Nor did I know what they were worth.)

            One day, I was at the SkyClub or whatever at LAX. Some dude was bitching and moaning about “not this again.” (Nothing was wrong. Just more work travel he didn’t want to do.) I looked at him, shrugged my shoulders, and told him I travel because I want to. He looked at me like I was fucking nuts. It was funny.

            These days, I actually kinda sorta work in the transportation industry but I don’t do much work travel. Ours is totally not glamorous. Most of the work travel I would likely do is to out of the way places that are No Fun whatsoever (LA: 60 miles north in the high desert, aka Palmdale. New York: Everything is out on the Island. DC: I live here, but the DC equivalent location is out in Leesburg VA, which is further out in suburbia than I actually live. Boston? Naw, our work stuff is actually in New Hampshire. Chicago? Nope, haul your butt out to Aurora.)

            Then there’s the international stuff. When I travel for pleasure, I take a *minimum* of two weeks because it takes me like three days to get over the jet lag. When the peeps go for work? It’s a week trip. Meetings start the day after arrival.

            1. NoLongerYoung*

              I promise I’ll read it if you type it.
              And yes, the poor guy who was racking up the points was definitely not staying in glamorous hot spots. At best, 2 nights of 4 on the road in one spot (weekly travel), and places like rural suburbs of Detroit (in the winter).
              And, yes, have family, friends, or doings in almost all of those scenic spots. I can only imagine.
              BTW, my recent “no, I’ll do that on web conference” was foregoing the FF points I could have gleaned from flying into John Wayne, taking an uber back and forth in heavy traffic, and sitting in a windowless conference room in an industrial park for 3 hours to say 2 what wound up being 2 sentences.
              Not really my definition of fun.

              1. Dan*

                So. Ex found my hotel account about a month after we split. A few days after the hotel incident, I get a call from her. “Yeah… I’m at the hospital, I OD’d on a bunch of pills.” So I call her BIL, one of the few sane people in the family. (BIL is older sister’s husband.)

                BIL says nope, haven’t heard from the ex (BIL is the chump who cleans up after most of the family’s mess. I was at first surprised that he hand’t heard anything, quickly followed by shock. We’re done, paperwork and all, so to the extent that she’s calling me, the whole thing is a stunt to guilt me.) The hospital thing was news to him, for which he thanked me for letting him know. Sure, any time! (Or, “my pleasure” as they say at Chik-Fil-A.)

                I never did talk to her, ex is es, done is done, and signed paperwork is signed paperwork, you know? 50% chance she was full of it. But I made a few phone calls, and she was in fact in the hospital.

                So BIL calls me a few days after the ho-down, and the following was relayed to me: “Hotel manager doesn’t really care about the damages to the hotel room, but he does want to be paid for the stay. Ex was carted off to the hospital in ambulance, ex’s boy-toy was hauled off in handcuffs.” I never did get wind of the full extent of the hotel room damages, nor what caused the police to haul off boy toy, what the charges were, or if the charges stuck. The funny thing is at the time, my ex was in her early 30’s and her boy toy was like in his early 20’s, still living with his mom and dad. And for religious reasons, there were to be no unmarried women in the house. I never figured out how all of that was supposed to work, or if his parents knew he was messing around with a married woman.

                Fun times. I didn’t pay any of it… no hotel bill, no ambulance copay, nada. State law said I was on the hook only for emergency medical expenses while we were still cohabitating together, and since we weren’t, not my problem.

                I did get a letter from my health insurance company “inquiring” as to the nature of ex’s hospital stay. I/she got a letter from the collections department from whatever credit agency demanding the $100 copayment for the ambulance ride. I ended up having to pick the car up from the hotel parking lot. So as far as I was concerned, that was actually sufficient proof she was telling the truth… which was a bit of a rarity at that point.

                As for the hotel points account, I switched all of the verification info to my parents’ place, and that did the trick. Points have been safe and secure ever since.

                Recently, for reasons that really couldn’t be avoided, there was an “opportunity” at work for me to… ah… acknowledge my previous marriage. To which I responded, “I ain’t talked to ex in [blank] number of years and don’t have her contact info. How hard do I have to try to get it?” (I was told elsewhere that the TPTB don’t like that answer if info can be found with an easy google search.) They told me just put “donno” in the contact info section, which was a bit surprising. Turns out “they” were satisfied with that answer, which made my day, because as you can imagine, that’s a can of worms that I didn’t want to reopen. And yet I don’t expect them to just take my word for it either.

                Most peoples’ miles-and-points theft stories are much more benign than mine.

                1. Agent J*

                  *shocked face emoji* That sounded like the makings of a TV crime drama.

                  I’ve been following along with the stories about your ex and from a friendly internet stranger, I’m really glad you’re not in that relationship anymore.

                2. Dan*

                  @Agent J

                  Yeah, a lot of my friends told me they certainly wanted to read the book/watch the movie when it came out. I think I left out the stories about the actual crimes, one of which was she broke into my place after the hotel incident and she got out of the hospital. Oddly, the cops were less than helpful with that one.

                  At the time, I used to be like “how the F did I get myself into this” but TBH, I got out pretty quick (we were married just a few years) and when it was done, it was *done*. I didn’t f around with counseling or anything like that.

                  In the sense that *we all* want to watch the car wreck and rubber neck when the cops pull up, there is a part of me that so badly wants to know how the epilogue turned out. But I am the last person who should go looking for that info. If the info makes it my way, fine, but I certainly don’t call up BIL looking for “updates”.

                3. NoLongerYoung*

                  Sending you a hug. Like Agent J, I watch your updates with the kind of interested horror of a real-crime documentary. And, in part, because (internet high five) you got out of your train wreck. I can’t post more – I’ve recommended this site to too many… but yeah. You did well.
                  And, I do need to watch “dirty john.” Apparently there is someone worse than mine out there. I am proud of you for having the strength and wisdom to boot.

                4. Not So NewReader*

                  You did not waste your time typing that.

                  What a hot mess she was, holy crap.

                  I guess she showed you how life will play out for her and you can assume more of the same or very similar is going on.

                  She was a fool to leave you but you were wise to move away from that. You had to move away from that.
                  Cheers for better days!

    2. blaise zamboni*

      Oh god, that gives me flashbacks to my old job in a medical office. A patient gave us his email to use for appointment reminders. He had been seeing us for months when we got an online ‘appointment request’ with a message saying “Hey, can you please let Bob Smith know that the email he gives out is not his email? I have received email regarding his and his wife’s medical appointments, church obligations, and bank statements. I’m in [state across the country from us] and am not related to him at all. I don’t want to call him because I know he’s older and I don’t want to scare him.”

      Which is A NIGHTMARE in itself, but when I saw Bob the next time and explained the situation, he argued with me that I must be mistaken. We finally determined that his email was spelled wrong–the email was “[common phrase]”, but his email was “[common phrase minus one letter]” and he absolutely never mentioned that part. I told him he should mention that part and correct the record for the other orgs he’s given his info to, and he shrugged me off. The poor guy who alerted us is probably still getting most of Bob’s crap.

    3. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      This happened to an acquaintance! She is a college instructor. A student was using the wrong email address—think her university handle but with “@gmail” instead of the university domain. This happens quite a bit, and (as luck would have it) the instructor actually knows the person with that gmail address. Sometimes the gmail-address holder even forwards things that students erroneously send. Anyway, the instructor told the student she didn’t get his paper. He replied, “Yes, you did! You wrote back and said I had the wrong address.”

    4. MountRushmore*

      I get this all the time too, I got to Gmail early when my first name.last name was still available, not knowing that a few short years later a girl with the same name as me would become a very well known olympic athlete. I get countless emails for her every day, most are work/promotional related as opposed to strangers reaching out telling her they’re a fan. I tracked her down via her management and they set up a forwarding email address for me to move them on to as responding to each one saying they have the wrong person was taking up a lot of my time. Not once has she or her management ever said thank you. Not once. So I’ve stopped forwarding them.

      There’s also a girl in Australia who gives out my email address so I get all her wedding dress fitting/house buying/crib buying emails, and a girl in England who is a social worker of some kind and the most recent email was a court deposition around a mother trying to block access of the child’s biological father. I also get naked suggestive photos from a girl who was apparently in a relationship with another girl who shares my name.

      I’ve actually set up another personal email address for myself because of it.

      3. Asta*

        I’m not sure that social worker should even be using gmail – that’s extremely worrying.

    5. Bagpuss*

      I feel your pain. I don’t get a lot (I have a fairly uncommon first name, and a ‘firstname_lastname’ email address, but some years ago went through a period where I was getting a lot of emails for another woman from her employer about shifts and hours. They argued with me when I told them I wasn’t her.

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        This happened to me, but on the other end. I had a new job where I had to text my staff about shifts, and I’d accidentally transposed numbers in one of their phone numbers. But instead of saying, “You have the wrong number,” they’d text back “Stop texting me,” or “Don’t text me,” so I thought my employee wanted to be taken off the mandatory staff list, and I started getting annoyed at her!

  70. Cat Meowmy Admin*

    Book recommendation: “The Art of Racing in the Rain”, novel by Garth Stein. (Harper Collins Publishing, 2008)
    I hope the movie will do justice to the book! This is a must-read, especially for animal lovers. (Waves paw to my people) Told by Enzo the dog in first person, this story is entertaining, provoking, and poignant. The beauty of the last few pages in particular still stays in my mind and my heart to this very day, 10 years later. (I’ve re-read it 3-4 times over the years.)
    I highly recommend this book.
    Woods and wags to you all :)

      1. Cat Meowmy Admin*

        Ugh – actually the first chapter and the last two chapters- really gives you a sense of the important message of the book.

    2. WellRed*

      I had a disappointing trip to the library today. Finally picked a Lisa Scottoline out of desparation. Most Wanted. It’s awful, far fletched plot, juvenile writing, stupid whiny heroine with an angry cardboard cutout of a husband. I need a book!

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Have you tried any of the Amelia Peabody mysteries by Elizabeth Peters? Or Power by Naomi Alderman (I think that’s the author’s name). Amelia’s great for a relaxing, fun read; and Power is just very interesting.

      2. Cat Meowmy Admin*

        Alison’s book recommendation this week is “Mrs. Everything” – it sounds fascinating, maybe you would enjoy it. I’m going to check it out. :)

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have such a hard time with the recent trend of touchy feely dog movies. I can’t watch them. Most of the *trailers* reduce me to a sobbing mess.

      1. Cat Meowmy Admin*

        This is true, I too am reduced to waterworks during those movies, and the trailers. Especially seeing/hearing the story adds to the emotional reactions. (Will I go see the movie anyway? Probably.)
        [Many people including me, have seen a movie (before reading the book) and come away disappointed. Until they read the book, which often offers so much more depth to the story. (“Why did they leave that part out of the movie?!”)]
        I found that the book itself does not evoke that level of weepy emotional response, although it is very touching (rather than touchy-feely like a movie would be). The dog relates the story of his life and his humans so very well, and references to life issues that we all encounter to a degree. Most of all, there is a promise of hope throughout the story reflected in a non-sappy but very believable and reassuring way (despite the life hardships which are very relatable). I think you would enjoy the book! :)

  71. Fortitude Jones*

    OMG, I just discovered Cream of Rice thanks to my grandboss, and I’m so happy I could cry. Cream of Wheat was my favorite breakfast cereal growing up (not a fan of anything that requires milk), and once I was diagnosed with celiac disease, I obviously couldn’t eat it anymore. Cream of Rice almost has the exact same taste as the original, and when I added my vegan butter, Stevia, and honey, it was like being transported back to my childhood, lol. No stores by me sell it, so I had to order two boxes off Amazon – I pray they never stop selling this stuff. Between this and finding gluten free soft pretzels, this celiac thing sucks much less.

      1. Fortitude Jones*

        You’re welcome! I’m going to be experimenting with brown sugar and Vietnamese cinnamon next.

        1. Merci Dee*

          Experimenting with flavors reminded me…..

          When my kid was little (like, kindergarten and first grade age), she loved having cream of wheat for breakfast before school. One year, the week of Halloween, I decided to mix it up a bit and stir a bit of chocolate syrup in. Then I got a flash of inspiration, and drizzled three concentric circles of chocolate onto the surface of the cereal. Next I took the tip of a toothpick and pulled it from the inside of the circles to the outside, to connect the circles with chocolatey lines. BAM! Quick and easy spider web to jazz up her breakfast. She loved it, and I had to do it for weeks afterward. :)

          1. Fortitude Jones*

            Oh, that’s really cute especially since a) I love chocolate and b) Halloween is my favorite holiday. I’m totally trying this in October and will probably make it for my niece as well – she’d think this is so cool. Thanks for the idea!

            1. Merci Dee*

              When I drizzled the circles from the bottle of Hershey’s chocolate syrup, they didn’t come out in perfect streams. Some bits were a little thicker or thinner, or a little wavy, or whatever. Not perfect by any means. But the imperfections made the webs cuter and more realistic looking. So go nuts and have fun! Maybe alternate chocolate with strawberry or cherry or caramel sauces to give your web a bit of extra flavor! :)

          2. Mephyle*

            Here’s another cream of wheat scenario. When my kids were aged about 4 to 8, we were reading Treasure Island and somehow we started doing Treasure Island cream of wheat. You bury treasure (fruit loops) in your cream of wheat, make an island in the middle, and then pour on the milk (ocean). As you eat, you discover buried treasure!

    2. LCL*

      I just made congee this morning. I had dental surgery recently and was looking for something soft yet filling. The recipe was dead simple. Rinse 1 cup of uncooked rice, put it and a chunk of ginger and a teaspoon of salt in the slow cooker on high for 4 hours. End result is a thick porridge, in texture reminiscent of polenta. You can use stock and make it savory instead of water. Serve it with anything, I have read that savory fixings are more traditional. I had my first bowl with honey and a spoonful of peanut butter.

      1. Fortitude Jones*

        4 hours?! Lol, yeah, I encourage you to try Cream of Rice – it sounds like it has the same consistency of congee and cooks in less than 4 minutes.

        1. LCL*

          That’s the slow cooker part, I just put the things in and do something else. Or waste time online in a narcotic haze, today. I will look at the natural grocery for cream of rice, I hope they have it.

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      I doubt it will stop being made. Many parents give Cream of Rice as a starter food.

      Happy memories are the best.

      CoR is really good with chopped apples or preserves swirled in.

  72. blackcatfortunetelling*

    I think this is the first time I ever disappointed a close friend of mine.

    I was apartment-watching for her for two weeks. Toxic workplace and toxic home and using emotional labor in every area of my life had my depression come out before I knew it. When my depression gets out, the absent-mindedness gets strong and I didn’t clean the apartment that well AND I left her balcony door open overnight. Everything looked clean to me, but it was only when she sent me an upset text when she got back that I realized that my perception was off-kilter.

    This truly served a lesson to me that poor mental health affects not only me but also the people I care about. She says we’re fine, but that she needs a week to emotionally process before we can talk. Which is absolutely fair.

    I am already planning on giving her the money she paid me to watch the apartment. I messed up. Big time. And the guilt is gnawing at me.

    1. WellRed*

      I’ll take your word for it that you didn’t do the best job of apt watching but honestly, anyone who can utter the phrase “I need a week to emotionally process this” is someone who can never be pleased. You messed up, you apologized. Forgive yourself.

      1. blackcatfortunetelling*

        Thank you. To be fair, my friend is working on a thesis and has already said she will not be answering anyone on social media or text as she will be concentrating on that. I think she meant that she needed to deal with more stressful things before talking to me about this. Which, honestly, I don’t blame her. She expected a clean apartment to go back to after a strenuous semester. I didn’t give her that, despite promising that I would.

        I will forgive myself, though. I can’t own up to mistakes if I don’t forgive myself first.

        1. families!*

          Maybe you and your friend have different standards of cleanliness which should have been discussed before any agreement and don’t make you a bad person or a person who lets down friends?

          1. valentine*

            Keep the money. Don’t mention it. Wait and see what she says post-process. Unless you left trash lying around or created a sticky floor, I don’t see this as the major transgression she does. It’s not a hotel and you’re not a cleaner.

            If you haven’t and if you can trust her, tell her it was because of your depression. I would just be glad you had a safe space and survived the toxicity and my place was in one piece.

      2. YetAnotherUsername*

        “I need a week to emotionally process this” is my new favorite phrase!

    2. Anonymouse*

      Anyone that needs a “week to process” needs help and is emotionally blackmailing you. Working on a thesis is not an excuse to be a slob and expect someone else to clean up after you. That’s beyond insane and immature.

      You deserve better friends, tbh.

      1. Green Kangaroo*

        I didn’t get that blackcat was supposed to clean up after her friend; I read the post as blackcat was staying at the apartment while the friend was away and didn’t do a good job of cleaning up after themselves. I’m also not understanding the ridicule behind the “week to process” phrasing…if someone close to me let me down by not caring for my home (and possibly even causing some damage by leaving a door open overnight), I might need some time away from them. Especially since it sounds like the friend is under some stress, and would maybe prefer to be in a better frame of mind before discussing the issue. The friend says that they and blackcat are fine, they just want some space, so that doesn’t sounds like emotional blackmail at all to me.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, I’d agree that this isn’t necessarily a sign that the friend is silly. I don’t think that what blackcat did is necessarily tragic, either, since there don’t seem to have been bad effects from the open door (the part that would have really worried me) and presumably the apartment will be cleaned up without too much trouble. But this didn’t go well, and it threw both of them, and it’s reasonable to take a little time before they come back and pick up after the bump.

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      Keep the money. I’ll explain.

      I’m guessing you didn’t host a kegger, so not clean meant dishes in the sink, spills and crumbs not picked up (small amounts), trash not out, bathroom not picked up, trash not taken up, bed not made up…my roommate has on going depression. The above does not ping his “this needs to be clean RFN” dar.
      (right f*cking now)

      His depression distorts “clean”. A filthy bathroom floor. He’ll clean that. Taking trash out in a timely fashion? On a bad day, he’ll tie up the full garbage bag, up another one in, and leave the full one by the trash can. Yeah, I used to get murderous, but after a big long heart to heart, that’s his mental illness. That’s all the game or spoons he has on that day.

      I get where your friend is coming from. Walking into to two weeks of maintenance clean up would make me stabby. I have been so there with my room mate. His was much much worse.

      BUT…

      Keep the money because you were more or less a watch dog. If the fridge died, you would have handled it. Assuming you got got the mail, took in packages, people saw there was a warm body in there so the place didn’t get jacked. The home got aired out just by you coming and going. The daily living cleaning was assumed.

      I eye rolled how your friend told you she needed a week to deal with this problem in her head, but that isn’t a bad thing. I get furious and run my mouth. I was murderous walking into a dirty, semi hoarder crime scene after a month long hospitalization, where my roommate did NOTHING. It took me two weeks to have a thoughtful, non character assassinating discussion about the dumpster fire I walked into. Better to say “I need some time to discuss this situation.”, than to run off at the mouth without thinking.

      A week also gives you time to think of something productive to do about this issue. With my roommate, I have an actual sheet where he ticks off all the stuff that he needs to do. I get “normies” will do a hard eye roll. He really needs this as his executive functioning skills are crap during his depression.

      If I was you, I would tell my friend, I apologize for leaving the place where she had to immediately clean it up. (Can insert depression issues if you want as the reason.) I want to make it up by home sitting for free, and plan on using (a phone app/check list/whatever), so it doesn’t happen again. I’m sorry I let you down, and would like another attempt to make it up to you.

      Lesson you learned is assume nothing, and start using prompts when your depression ramps up.

      This friendship is salvageable. Don’t ruminate your self into a black hole.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      The only comment I’ll add (besides, forgive yourself quickly)…

      In the lessons learned category….
      maybe you didn’t really want to do this, since it was one more thing on an already over-burdened plate? And it was too much for you? And maybe you – like me – do not always have the ability to say no? (want to please your friend, see how helpful it would be for them, not you; poor boundaries).

      Saying yes, not no, when it is not the right time for you – bites you. You can’t push yourself to handle one more thing when life is full. Your life is full.

      The issue goes – maybe (just speaking for self) beyond what the impact was to them, of your depression/toxic life.

      The issue may be that you needed to say no at the outset. And that’s the hardest thing of all. I often over-commit, out of any number of “good” reasons. Mostly, though, I haven’t learned to take care of me.

      “I” can’t do it all. I need to free up time in my life for “me” – to heal, to have a buffer, to decompress. I run and avoid feeling and thinking, and I overcommit, and then it spirals out of control and I can’t always hold it together.

      You would not have been a bad person to say “no, I can’t watch/ clean your apartment.” You didn’t even have to say (or should not say) “I am having a seriously tough time at work, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it justice.”

      If your life was in a better place, you could maybe have said yes to the apartment sitting, and no to the family drama. But it wasn’t.

      So maybe – in the retrospective (not beating up self, but honest appraisal of all the factors and root causes), your overall “being spread too thin and why” column, needs a little analysis and some honesty.

      If your first gut response is “no” inside, and then you think “but I can ‘make’ it work…” you probably just need to say “no.” At least, for awhile, to new asks.

      I call it – my house-of-cards life. Sometimes, adding just one small thing – upsets everything. If I don’t know what might be that one thing that throws the balance off, I have to add great care in extending myself further.

      YMMV. It isn’t just the depression for me. It’s underneath that.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        A Big yes to this comment.
        It’s okay to say NO. Honest.
        It’s okay to say no and not give a reason or to say no and give a vague reason. “I’m not up for it.”

        The first time this happened to me I was in my teens. I still get a little unsettled thinking about it. I took on something I could not handle for reasons. While I spoke up about one aspect of the task, I neglected to mention the problem with the other part and that is where I fell down. I was super embarrassed and I did lose the relationship. I decided that saying no was much easier than losing a longer term relationship.

        I just did said NO today. I called a friend, “Nope, I won’t make it over today.”
        She simply asked if I was all right. I said yes and that I just needed extra rest.
        She affirmed where she could see some things had been intense for me lately. “I will see you in a bit!”

        Cool. This is how it should go.

  73. Cat Meowmy Admin*

    My apologies, this was a reply in my original comment above. (Which I added where it was meant to be.) I guess my weekend brain is in full effect – or nah.
    Alison, can you delete this one if possible? Thanks!

  74. Book Seeker*

    I know a lot of people here are voracious readers so I thought I’d ask for help finding a short story I read a while ago, probably in a scifi/fantasy collection. Details are a little fuzzy but I think it was set in the UK and was about a guy who was visiting his brother’s house out in the country. When he arrived he learned that the forest nearby had some kind of myth magic and that his brother was exploring it in order to try to discover the origins of all myths or something along those lines.

    If that sounds familiar to anyone and they could point me in the right direction to find the story or any collection it is in, I’d be very grateful!

    1. Nicki Name*

      That sounds kind of like Mythago Wood, except that’s a novel. Maybe it’s a related story by the same author?

      1. buttrue???*

        The conception began as a short story written for the 1979 Milford Writer’s Workshop; a novella of the same name appeared in the September 1981 edition of The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction. (Wikipedia)

    2. Book Seeker*

      Yes that is it thank you both very much! I definitely read the short story version, but I am very excited to learn that it was expanded into a novel. That’s pretty much the best possible response to my question :)

  75. The Other Dawn*

    Just wanted to say thank you to T. Boone Pickens and Dan, who, last weekend, recommended the Ultimate Ears brand of Bluetooth speaker. I went out and got the Megablast today, and it’s LOUD and sounds amazing! I looked at the Boom 2 and Boom 3, as well as the Megaboom, but the Megablast was my favorite. Plus I ran into an issue where not one store seemed to have the Boom 3 on the floor to try out. Only one store had the Megaboom on display, and the Boom 2 didn’t have the sound I was looking for. I’m very happy with the model I bought and can’t wait to use it in my gym, which is almost done. I ordered the weight equipment today, too, and I’ll have that in a couple weeks.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, it’s quite fabulous and also has Alexa built in. I didn’t buy it for that, but it turned out to be a nice little bonus. I’ll need to buy the charging dock, though. The charging port is in a really weird spot–the bottom of the speaker, which means I can’t stand it upright while it’s charging. Kind of weird.

  76. Kayak*

    Did anyone else read the article in NY Mag’s The Cut (the same publication where Alison’s Ask A Boss Column appears) about former Harvard Professor Bruce Hay and the whole saga where 2 women conned him? The title of the article had the word gullible in it and that’s definitely what I thought when I read it. The entire story was off the wall and I’m just wondering if anyone else read it? (since I know others here also read The Cut)

    1. xxx9*

      I had not read it before your comment and…I am not quite sure what to feel. I was ready to feel bad for someone who was conned but he made so many ‘Oh, Wow, Really?’ choices that I can’t seem to drum up very much sympathy.

      He teaches a class called “Judgment and Decision-Making,” the ultimate irony. It all borders on Kafkaesque.

    2. LCL*

      I read it just now because you asked about it. If the facts are as presented, the two women are a pair of grifters and hopefully will disappear as a result of their schemes.

    3. NewTemporaryName*

      I honestly do feel sorry for him. Reading about how many others they tried to take in, clearly they were grifters. I do see how it can happen. I was conned (out of what amounted to over a million) by someone. And,yes. Being smart has nothing to do with it (except you beat yourself up about it afterwards). Pride is hurt. Being slightly on the spectrum, having no real childhood, and really, very little exposure to the “real” world (I was entirely inside my own introverted egghead brain)… meant that I had zero street smarts. And, being a little tiny bit (ahem) socially awkward, you want it to be true that this interesting person, this life, could be yours.
      An easy mark.

    4. fposte*

      I read it. It reminded me of some of the particularly infamous stories of people falling for internet romance scams; he just met his scammers in person. I was glad his partner seemed to have some practical skills to counteract his lack but I worried about his kids.

      I don’t think it’s that hard to fall for scams, tbh. Where you’re most vulnerable is if a scammer operates on your particularly weak spots. That’s who found him.

    5. Julia*

      I did! I definitely feel sorry for all the children involved in the scenario, and perhaps the trans community because commenters there were already blaming some of this on one of the grifters being trans. Ugh.

    6. Weegie*

      I have read and heard so many of these stories, and the people who are conned are not gullible, they’re vulnerable. Scammers are good are sniffing out these vulnerabilities and capitalising on them. The person in this story thinks he might be autistic, which is one vulnerability that could be exploited. A friend of mine was scammed (thankfully he didn’t part with too much money), and it was while he was going through a period of serious health issues and had just lost a close friend. Scammers target lots of people until they hit on the one or two whose life issues make them more prone to being taken in.

      The BBC covers a lot of these stories, if you’re interested in reading more, and there’s an academic by the name of Monica T Whitty who researches the romance scam and provides a really lucid account of how it works and how people get sucked in.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I think he was also lonely and somebody whose identity was very invested in doing the right thing–that he’d rather support a child that might not be his than risk interrogating somebody with a just claim. That’s not a bad characteristic.

        1. Weegie*

          I agree. From everything I’ve read I think a lot of those who are scammed are fundamentally decent people who believe the best of others. That was certainly the case with my friend: he’s highly tolerant, and always looking for the good in people.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      One of his major missteps was failing to ask for advice from trusted sources.

      People who allow themselves to be isolated from others are very vulnerable in this manner. It’s through our friends/family that we learn how to keep ourselves out of the pitfalls in life. Maybe he couldn’t ask for advice, that is a possibility. But I am struck by how he just assumes he has the right answers every step of the way.

      I did not like the picture at the top. The house was shaded in nonsensical colors. It made me think that the author thought the whole story was nonsense… or worse. The first thing I thought is this is going to be one wild, out-of-control story.

      I feel bad for the guy but I am unconvinced that he has learned a lesson. And I am unconvinced he has found ways to protect himself and his possessions and finances in the future. All I could think is that this guy needs a financial guardian.

    8. Reliquary*

      I read it, but I started skimming when I got about two-thirds through. I was getting angry. All I could think about was how on earth someone who is paid that much money to do that particular job (and teach “Judgment and Decision Making”!!??) could be so incredibly gullible.

      In other words, I became unsympathetic.

    9. Mephyle*

      It was an odd scam because it seems that money wasn’t a main objective of the two women.
      Also, did the article say whether the woman called Shuman really was the songwriter’s daughter, or whether it was an identity she stole? I wasn’t clear on that.

  77. Can I get a Wahoo*

    ughhh I may have fucked things up for a friend by doing something stupid. what’s worse is I had multiple opportunities to not do the thing, and I still went ahead with it. I’m hoping it’s less of an issue than we think and I already promised to take full responsibility for it, but what’s killing me is the stupidity of it. WHY did I do that?

    now I’m trying to figure out how long it’s appropriate to beat myself up about it :/

    1. ..Kat..*

      5 seconds.

      Then, identify what you did wrong, how you got there, and a plan for what to do instead if it happens again.

      If you harmed anyone, give a sincere apology.

      What would you do/say if a good friend did what you did? Would you be kind? Understanding? Well, treat yourself with that same kindness and understanding.

      Then move on.

      Internet hugs if you like them.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Along with the sincere apology, can you do anything to help make up for what you did?

    2. valentine*

      You’ve exceeded the self-beating-up quota of zero and now owe yourself that amount of kindness. It’s done. You feel bad. You’re making amends. If you know you’ll avoid it in future, let it be. It’s also probably too fresh now. Wait a couple of weeks and think about the places you didn’t rein yourself in and what you can differently next time you see yourself headed there.

  78. lawyering question*

    I live in the US (am a citizen if that matters) and my mother is in another country (where I was born). My mother has been managing some financial stuff that was left for me by my late father (long story) but it seems she’s not telling me the whole story and I’m not sure what she is doing exactly. My mother is not a reliable person (she’ll say one thing, then say she never said that etc.). I wanted to hire a lawyer to help me figure out what my obligations are over there and over here and get my affairs in order. What kind of lawyer should I look for? Thanks!

    2. fposte*

      If your father and his estate are also in another country, your best bet is a lawyer in that country. You might be able to find somebody in this country with dual country knowledge (the embassy or consulate could be a start there) to start with but I suspect they wouldn’t come cheap.

    3. WS*

      If a legal firm was handling your father’s will, they’re the first people to contact.

    4. Serious Sam*

      You may want a US lawyer or accountant as well. Overseas income can give rise to a US tax liability, and you do not want the IRS on your back

      1. fposte*

        Good point–you do have to report it, but fortunately bequests and gifts are the rare case where Uncle Sam doesn’t want a piece of foreign income.

  79. Merci Dee*

    This week’s entry into the “Weird things that happen” category….

    Sitting on my couch last night, watching some videos on my phone. I notice one of the bulbs in the floor lamp next to me is dimming, brightening, dimming, etc. I figure it’s getting ready to die, and it fizzles out in about 10 minutes. No worries, I’ll just pop a new bulb in. I grab a box of two spiral compact fluorescent bulbs and get to work. I install a bulb from the new box, hit the switch, and … nothing. That’s weird. I take out the bulb I just put in, screw in the second one from the box of brand-new bulbs, and hit the switch. Again, nothing. So, okay it seems like the socket is the real problem, and fixing that is outside my wheelhouse. The lamp is too dim to use with only one bulb, so it looks like we’re getting a new lamp. I carefully repackage the new bulbs and put them away.

    This morning, kiddo and I shop around a bit and find a new floor lamp that’s similar to what we had with a nice rice paper shade, and look! it’s only $20! Score!

    Bring home the new lamp, assemble, and get some bulbs. We can reuse the one good one from the old lamp, and I grab the box I tried last night. I hit the switch. The old bulb from the old lamp works, but the new …. bulb …. doesn’t. Hmmm. I try the second bulb from the new box, and again ….. no.

    Finally, the dusty bulb floating above my own head goes off, and I grab a separate box with a different type of light bulb. Screw one in, and both sockets are glowing! Yay!! Then, I try bulbs from the second new box in the old lamp, and both sockets and glowing!!

    Turns out the old lamp was fine, I just got a couple of crap bulbs that didn’t work straight out of the box. And the whole time I was working with the old lamp, I kept thinking that there was no way that both bulbs in a new box wouldn’t work. Joke’s on me, I guess!

    On the plus side, I still wound up with a cute new lamp for the living room. Kiddo took the old lamp for her room, and had to clean up some of the clutter on the floor around her bed to put it where she wanted it. Win-win, in my book!

    1. LCL*

      The quality of fluorescent replacement lamps has varied in the past from meh to atrocious. The early adapters were figuratively burned when they tossed all their incandescents for compact fluorescents, at 5x the cost, for a 6 month lifespan. I believe one of the reasons some climate change deniers held onto their beliefs was a direct result of the negative experience with the early compact fluorescents. I started buying compact fluorescents when the lighting quality improved.

      1. YetAnotherUsername*

        That makes so much sense! I have had similar problems with the “environmentally friendly” ones that need to be replaced every couple of months. That’s definitely not environmentally friendly! No wonder some people think the whole clean energy thing is bs.

    2. KayEss*

      I had that happen a while back with my garage door opener! Garage wouldn’t open, so I went out and bought a new coin battery for the opener. No dice. Got the landlord to get in the repair guy after a bit of back-and-forth (I was unemployed at the time, so it wasn’t an absolute crisis to have my car locked in the garage for a week), he swapped out the battery again despite me telling him I had put a fresh one in already… worked like a charm. Walgreen’s sold me a dud battery. Super embarrassing since it took a professional to figure it out!

  80. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Update on the hospice foster. He has had run of the house for about a week now. My cat is tolerating him, which works for me. I’m not seeing stress/unhappiness in either of them, so he can stay for the rest of his life. Which I’m guessing will be less than a year. He has hyperthyroidism, which caused a serious (and ultimately fatal) heart condition. Which I forget the name of. His breathing is impacted, though his quality of life is not yet. Overall, he’s a fairly happy little guy, and he loves to get petted. He eats 95% wet food, is quite picky on the flavors, and I’m trying to get him to gain weight. He’s around 6.5 pounds, and while he’s no longer emaciated, he is Too Thin. Of course, gaining weight would stress his heart. So basically, I’m just feeding him and we’ll see what happens.

    I’m finding this very helpful in terms of evaluating what my cat really needs. It seems that she does want another cat around. I think the fact that the foster is sick is putting her off, but if she really didn’t want him here she’s perfectly capable at screaming at him and she hasn’t.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Aw, glad to hear it is working out, and that kitty #1 is tolerating the interloper. It’s really kind of you to give him a new lease on life.

  81. NoLongerYoung*

    Woo hoo – my first plank today!
    I just wanted to follow up – a few weekends ago, on the the open thread, I posted about trying to have some balance. I’ve been trying to keep my commitment to “the plan.” I have had at least one social outing (lunch, other) each week, and I have been pretty good about taking my Pilates class. Today was my first cardio one (I’m not in the shape I used to be – I might not look out of shape, but I completely am). But I managed to hold the plank – on a box – 3x for a minute each over the course of the sets.
    And, 6 boxes of stuff out of here. And some bulk cooking, so I’m set for the week for a few key items. So… a good weekend so far.
    Now, I just have to not procrastinate. I have to do a document for that place on Monday (because I want to take off some time on Monday to meet with a friend and get some more junk cleared from the storage).. If I knock it out tomorrow, Monday becomes manageable. I just have to not be resentful at giving up a precious weekend day. Only 6 more weeks before my help (at that weekday place) comes back… I can hardly wait.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Yes, I’d seen them but not tried them … I was surprised I could do one (I used to be in cardio/weight lifting/ gym rat shape but that was back before, well, life happened). I’m encouraged!

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          There’s a bunch of variations you can google as well once you get bored of just holding one position

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      You are awesome and you have inspired me to do some decluttering and get off my butt today!

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I’d spent a month “thinking” about the decluttering, and kept thinking “I need to add more before I make the trip.” No, I just needed to get that stuff gone. That’s a comfortable cargo area load, and easy peasy to drop off on the way to the grocery store/ errand loop. I gave up on the idea of having a yard sale… and donated it all.
        I’d like to knock that work paper out of the way, and “maybe” get into the storage loft and go through a few more boxes this afternoon. I’m pretty sure some more of it (now that I’ve decided not to have a yard sale) can just go. I have to decide on the excess Christmas stuff.

        It went well to start stacking the items I’d decided to let go of, in one “staging area.” Then I could just add a box at a time, and then quickly shovel it into the car and not go back through it. (Only open the box once).

        Lots more to go, but this helped. I honestly think doing the exercising at 7:30 am made me feel so strong and virtuous that the carryover effect helped me get more done!

  82. Jaid*

    I finally had dinner with the family to celebrate our birthdays. It was at Del Frisco’s and the food was awesome. I regret not getting the pate, but I’m pretty sure I would have been the only one eating it. As it turns out, I took half of the entree home and I was still a little uncomfortable.
    :-) We walked in with three huge bags that said Happy Birthday, which the hostess noted. At the end of our meal, the waitress presented us with a bunch of different deserts on the house. That was sweet of them.

  83. TechWorker*

    My mother owns two cars – neither is particularly flashy, but it’s basically one larger one and one smaller one. For a while this was a luxury but sort of made sense – I’ve lots of siblings and the younger ones would borrow the smaller car when they were staying at home. Now though, we visit pretty infrequently and maintaining two cars doesn’t really make financial sense – but is of course my mums choice. (Note part of her justification for having two is that it means she’s adding less mileage, but I’m pretty sure financially that’s rubbish… all cars depreciate in value so two cars just depreciate more!)

    Now she’s thinking of buying a camper van… again this has *some* sense to it in that she’s moving a long distance and will be travelling a lot back to her job during the move. At the same time though it will bring her to 3 cars… which feels pretty ridiculous. The camper van is also not cheap at all and I admit to being a bit concerned that it’s a poor investment. To clarify, I’m not remotely worried about my own ‘inheritance’ – but I am worried that my mum might need care over the next 25+ years and that spending tens of thousands on a camper van may be a decision she’ll come to regret. Should I talk to her or stay out of it?

    1. Morning reader*

      What’s your relationship around financial issues so far? If she generally welcomes your input, I see no problem with bringing up your concerns. It doesn’t sound like either of you have a clear idea of what to do with a “camper van.” (What is that and why does it cost tens of thousands?)
      If she is moving it would be good to talk about downsizing in general. A good time to get rid of the extra car. Or if she will be traveling frequently between old and new homes, sell them both and get a hybrid or electric. Would she be staying in the camper at her new location so she wouldn’t need to find another place to live right away? That could save some money. Or would she be driving the thing back and forth instead of one of the cars? Those things get terrible mileage.
      If she generally makes good decisions, you probably don’t need to bring up any of this, but you could do some research on options in case an opportunity to discuss it all comes up. Meantime, if she really wants to spend half a mil on a vehicle, you might be able to get one of those tricked out ones famous musicians use when on the road.

    2. WellRed*

      Yes, two cars depreciating in value. Her mileage argument is rubbish and adding a third is even worse. Cars don’t grow in value, they decline. I don’t get why she wants a camper van. Does she think she will sleep in it? How long is this move supposed to take? Hows her driving? Does the move make sense? Please talk to her. Or your sibs.

    3. MaxiesMommy*

      Some camper vans are better than others to drive. I’d keep a car at each house and rent a camper if she feels she HAS to have one. But she may find she doesn’t like all that driving, and she can be happy as a camper in the Hilton chain. Camper vans are like boats—-you dream of what you’re going to do, but you’re relieved when you sell it. Would she be better off in a comfortable SUV for going back and forth?

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Summary: two cars cost more than one…. and the woes of a camper van from the voice of experience.

      To be clear, two cars does cost more than one. In addition to dual depreciation, you have insurance and registration/plate fees on both, and you are suppose to do maintenance regularly (ie, on my Toyota it is 5000 miles/ 6mo, whichever comes first, and on my husband’s ford truck – which is now an extra vehicle for me – it is also 5000 miles, / 6 months… in both cases, I’m changing oil 4x a year, despite the low miles… and one is $50, the other $100 for the change – each time. If I kept the cheaper, smaller engine car, I’d just have 2 changes a year… I’m in CA and plate and registration fees + insurance are high. The truck alone is costing me $125/mo in insurance plus plate fees $75 a month in CA registration). Plus, if I sold the truck, I’d net at least $8500 which I can invest (even at 3.75%, that’s a nice nest egg and return on investment, vs. a depreciating truck + expenses).

      And, I do know a few things about camper vans. A lot depends on the size. (Friend had a shop to repair them for a living), hubby and I owned one. Worst investment ever. Lost half it’s value in the 5 years and was a nightmare of upkeep costs. You fundamentally have all the systems of a house (depending upon the amenities) – toilet, holding tank, water, stove, frig, plus wiring… shoe horned into a (generally poorly constructed by low paid labor) difficult to access metallic/fiberglass van-thing. You put a depreciating engine and power train on it. So now you have multiple things that can go wrong. Home systems, propane tank, leaking water, malfunctioning appliances, coupled with the structural issues of a modified van AND the power train/engine of a commercial van. The fancy ones have over a mile of custom wiring, spray foamed into place. So shorts, battery faults, electrical issues… all hard to diagnose. And all those house systems are being jostled about on bad roads, to boot. SO wires come lose, water connections leak as pipes crack, and more. The roofs have ACs and skylights, and the caulking around that and the seams cracks (because of sun and weather) and water seeps in and you get mold. Mice/rats love them for nesting when they are parked and stored. (don’t store fruit-scented candles!)

      The insurance is very high on them. Vandalism is high. Generally, most apartment complexes/ HOAs (in the US) don’t let you park them in the driveway, so you have to pay to park them somewhere secure. (That runs $100-200 a month for a parking spot, depending upon size and how far away from you).

      If you are very consistently using them – every weekend in the summer, living in them… vs. owning a second home, it makes sense. (Here in the high cost of living area, folks actually do live in them for work) But they are not a good daily driver, unless you have good parking and a small sized camper van.

      I’ve lived in both a “during the week studio” and fulltime in a big camper van, and I’d rather rent a very small studio apartment, where I could lock and leave things securely, and drive somewhere for the weekend to visit, in my small regular car.

      But … understanding why she wants to do these things, and making a plan to perhaps test the options (rent one for a month, to see if she truly CAN stand it), would be helpful. It actually took me 2 months to understand it was not for me… but I was then stuck with the thing (as hubby wouldn’t divest of it) until it lost half it’s value and he was dying. So I’m maybe not the right person. I wish we would have rented one for the rare occasions we did use it – and a good hotel room the rest of the time. (I also didn’t mention the level of maintenance required, which is far and above that of either our house or any of our cars). And it was not a good option for living in – the cost of the parking space with electric, security, community access, coupled with the maintenance, insurance, and initial cost, plus depreciation – meant that it was higher cost than actually just renting a studio or making different plans altogether (we moved into a small house in a central location closest to the good paying job, and quit trying to have two locations).

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Perhaps a better summary would be, what “is” her goal? The camper van is a means to what end, not the end point itself. Understanding if she wants more freedom to do easy day trips, more spontaneity , a different group of friends (there’s a group here for women who camp together on weekends), etc. Then… is the camper van the best way to achieve that? Or is she just seeking “something” without a list of options and a plan to the end goal? If she just wants a reliable way to drive from point a to point b while downsizing and toting a load each time… there’s other options. Trading big car (or small car) for a simple pickup truck, or a regular van, for the interim, could be on the list.

        Not saying what to do, but I sometimes find with my mom, that she has something she “wants” and she proposes what she sees as a solution… my sister hears the solution, but not the end goal (sometimes mom doesn’t know the end goal). There are often better options to get to the end goal, than the proposed solution.

    5. Dan*

      In the pure financial sense of the word, “investment” isn’t the word you’re looking for here. *All* transportation is a bad “investment” because everything decreases in value with age. Whereas, financially speaking, most people “invest” in something with the expectation that it has a good probability of increasing in value over time.

      One problem with looking at spending from a pure “financial sense” standpoint is that most things above the absolute minimum don’t make “financial sense.” Yet, there’s no shame (and no problem if one can afford it) in buying things about the minimum “need” level. For example, a basic car vs a nice car. People “need” a basic car for transportation, and anything about that doesn’t really make pure financial sense. But if you can afford the nice car and that’s what you want to do with your extra money, so be it.

      As for what standing you have to raise the issue with mom… I think you can help her get a sense of the total cost of ownership of the camper, and let her make an informed decision. I think that’s the extent that you can/should be involved, as any thing beyond that is a value judgement and it’s her life and her money.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Could she replace the larger car with a really small bare-bones camper van (the kind that basically just has a mattress behind the last row of seats rather than a full-on RV)? I used to have a friend with one of those, and it was only slightly more awkward to drive than my minivan was and still fit into most regular parking spaces. Plus, since it only had a bed and not plumbing or cooking systems, the maintenance level was in the “about as annoying as any other van that age” range. We’d use that van for just regular “minivan” day trips because it sat more people than a sedan.

      I plan to possibly buy one of those someday as a second car, because my next “main” car is going to be a small plug-in electric car for in-town use and a van with both a bed and plenty of seating in it would nicely fit both the “car to drive on long camping trips” and “car to drive if I’m hauling around multiple people and their stuff” niches that the electric car would be less optimized around. It’s definitely a different kind of camping than a full RV, though. As a regular tent camper, I’m fine with that and would like the “don’t have to put up the tent tonight if you get to the campground after dark and in the rain” upgrade allowed by a camper van.

    7. YetAnotherUsername*

      Try to steer her in the direction of trading in one car for the camper van.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      If your sole reason is worry about paying for her longer term care, then don’t. It’s pointless.

      Nursing homes are running, what?, about 10k a month? So you are talking about spending the equivalent of 2-3 months of nursing home care on a camper. And if she needs years of care, then what. Most of us will not have enough money to do this.

      Better to focus on now and how having a third vehicle immediately impacts her finances right now.

      A friend had a 80k per year passive income stream. In the end, it was not enough to cover her nursing home costs. Additionally, because my friend was not very likable, (okay she was very difficult and never pleased) nursing homes were willing to pass her on even though she was private pay.

      Sometimes I think if they stay happier in present time, they can forestall or perhaps minimize how much care they need in the end.

      1. Booksalot*

        +1,000 to this.

        There is no amount of money the average middle-class full-time worker can save that will keep up with end of life care. One of my relatives is currently paying 12,000 USD a month for a mid-range facility in a MCOL area. He worked 30 years in a solid union job, and his pension was earning him more per month than my salary. The nursing home is sucking him dry at lightning speed.

        Your mother may be making a poor decision for multiple reasons, but counting pennies to be shuttled to a nursing home is irrelevant. Elder care is a black hole of financial need.

        1. fposte*

          I wouldn’t say it’s irrelevant, exactly; you get more choices on your skilled nursing facility if you’re not entering as a Medicaid patient, even though facilities know some residents will end up that way, and money also enables people to enter Continuing Care Retirement Facilities or buy long-term care insurance. But unless this is one high-end camper van it’s not likely to be the difference.

  84. SigneL*

    My husband was recently diagnosed with metastatic cancer. Each doctor has given us an entirely different prognosis (from “put your affairs in order” to “maybe 8-10 years”). How do people cope with such wildly divergent information?

    Husband feels fine, but clearly isn’t. I’m still recovering from a bad fall in Feb (!) so I can’t help him, although he doesn’t need any help yet. We don’t know whom to trust.

    1. Breast Solidarity*

      Oh I am so sorry!

      I think putting affairs in order is always a good idea, for every adult. My guess is for prognosis they really don’t know, so are giving a guess based on averages?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Totally agree.
          My FIL was given six months.
          He went two years.
          I think part of the reason was because he moved from one project to another in preparation for his own passing. Goals are very powerful in ways we do not understand. Having purpose to one’s life is very powerful in ways we do not understand.

          My husband’s doc was a nasty person. She said, “Get a power of attorney, health care proxy, a will and a DNR, etc because you are going to use all of them.”
          Good advice, extremely BAD delivery. We took the advice and ditched the doc.
          We got all the documents, I had mine done at the same time. It was a few hundred bucks to do it. (Rural America and my husband was clearly of sound mind.)

          As far as what doc to follow, I’d go with the one who sees some hope. There is nothing worse than going to a doc who is basically Eyeore on steroids with the gloom and doom. The doc we ditched was correct, my husband did not go very long. But we ended up with another doc who was VERY pleasant. She was not afraid of my husband’s condition and that made a big difference for us.

          New doc called me and through tears apologized for my loss. (How often does THIS happen???) I told her that I would be seeing her and I would send all my friends to her. His passing had nothing to do with her abilities. And I told her I thought she was a fine, fine doc.

          1. WellRed*

            Want to add, even in non rural America you can usually find someone to do this type of paperwork and planning for a few hundred bucks. Highly recommend.

    2. Asenath*

      I’m sorry to hear that. I expect prognoses vary depending on the individual patient and the interpretations of each doctor of the data. I didn’t wait for an illness to put my simple affairs in order, but wrote a will and made plans for the funeral when I saw how the death of a relative who left no instructions caused anxiety among her children who wanted to honour her in a way she’d have liked, but didn’t know what that was. And I’ve updated them since. So I wouldn’t wait for a specific prognosis to make plans. As for who to trust – you know your and your husband’s family members and friends best. Sometimes, its best to get a professional as executor (or co-executor) for various reasons (no one else available, no one else trustworthy, anyone available and trustworthy is very old or very ill and so might not be capable of acting in a year or 5 years or 10 years….). My situation is very simple, but if you have anything complicated – custody of children, property, etc in play – or anything potentially troublesome – an untrustworthy relative who you really want to exclude – get a lawyer who is an expert in estate law. Check him or her out, of course.

    3. Anono-me*

      Are you in a position to go to one of the Mayo Clinics? (Campuses in MN, FL, and AZ.) I would feel pretty confident about what they said and if it was something similar to another diagnosis; then I would probably feel more confident about that Clinic in general.
      Wishing the best outcomes for both of you.

      1. fposte*

        I’d expand that to major medical facilities in general–if you go to U.S. News and Report rankings, for instance, they’ll show you the top cancer hospitals in the U.S., and they’re all over the country, so you might find one nearer you. Those are places where an oncologist will usually have seen many, many people with your husband’s diagnosis and have a lot more up to the minute information about the variable progression of the disease.

        Best wishes to both of you.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been through similar myself.

      Advice: First, doctors aren’t magic and all they have are statistics, not a crystal ball. So even if every doc said the same thing, your particular outcome could still be different by months or years. I would say, manage what you can by putting your affairs in order and having all the conversations that you need to have, and then make plans as if he were going to feel pretty okay for the next medium-term.

      Second, push back on your docs in terms of your own planning milestones. If “maybe 8-10 years” were the case, what would your husbands upcoming scans and tests look like? What information would make you revise that estimate? What information would tend to confirm it?

      Finally, do as much research and networking as you can to find out if there are any acknowledged experts or treatment locations for this particular cancer. If you have the means to go there for a consult, do that. Even if you can’t make that your primary care facility, you can get valuable insights and maybe some guidance for your local care team.

      I’m very sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. Best wishes to you and your husband. I hope he continues to feel well for a very long time.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sorry to hear this. It’s not an easy journey but there can be moments of happiness. The prospect of loss sometimes makes us more appreciative of whatever and whoever is good in our lives.

      I hope your husband continues to feel, as someone else said here, as good as possible for as long as possible.

      We don’t know whom to trust.
      Would your husband be comfortable being a patient at a teaching / research hospital (usually affiliated with a university and medical school)? I find these institutions staffed with very bright people, well-informed and interested in their specialties. You may have an extra person (graduate student or medical doctor in training) sit in on appointments; in my opinion it’s good to contribute to someone’s education. But you may feel differently. It’s important to find professionals with whom you feel comfortable. I hope you find such people, and soon.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        A+ for the teaching hospitals. My father had my mother in one in Connecticut. The place was OUTSTANDING.
        The doors closed quietly. The food was incredible, I’d eat any of it. The staff was fabulous. I could go on and on.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      First, my warmest thoughts. And yes, get the affairs in order because then you can also focus on having the best possible life without that hanging over your head.

      Second, just went through this with my spouse. He made it much longer than the initial prognosis but not as long as he’d hoped.

      I also advocate for a large, teaching or clinical center of excellence if possible (we couldn’t but I researched the keys off the laptop and asked many questions).

      A doctor seeing 10 of these cancers a week, vs 10 a year, is a very big difference. Treatments are making great strides. What bought my husband the much-valued extra time (time to see his grandson graduate), was a new-to-our-system procedure. Even 2 years prior, it would not have been an option.

      Also, I did a flow chart, as mentioned, of the options. If this, then what are our options? If that happens, then what are the options? Just us, but we elected new procedure, not chemo, because he was terminal, and because chemo was not going to extend his life vs. the unacceptably high (for us) risk that his heart – which was not good, multiple heart surgeries and parts – would give out instead. An informed partnership with a caring team, and a realistic (for his scenario) meant that he actually did live 8 months longer than they ever gave us. And that quality of life was higher, not being in the chemo chair. However, he had done chemo (twice) previously with cancer one and recurrence/spread two.

      I will add that we had total 13.5 years… and did do chemo after the first occurrence and the recurrence. It was just after round three – it had moved into that last big organ (where it was too pervasive to remove) that we had to relent with no more chemo – his heart had deteriorated in the 13.5 years since the battle started. And it was likely – but we did not go for knowing – that it was in his brain, and small bits lurking elsewhere as well by that stage.

      YMMV – each person is unique. We had a very good, strong run from the recurrence to the end. Those last 6.5 years brought family healing, growth, kindness, and changes. My faith community was a huge part of sustaining and supporting us, as well.

      In our case, we had no long-term optimism, just milestones (Christmas, visit from extended family, then the graduation) that we targeted and fought to get to.

      Sending all the warm comfort I can across the internet.

    7. Dan*

      Hi. Sorry you’re going through this. The not knowing part sucks.

      First, one way to cope is to realize that *none* of us knows when our time is going to be up. When we’re young, we just assume it’s some point decades into the future.

      Last year, I got diagnosed with a heart condition that is more common in people 30-40 years older than me. First thing doc said to me was, “while this isn’t completely unheard of at your age, there aren’t enough people to do studies and what not. So all of the studies are more applicable to people twice your age, and we just don’t know what that means for you.”

      Then there’s the problem with how we as humans interpret probabilities. We might look at stuff and say, oh there’s an 80% chance of X occurring. Our minds tell us that the outcome is almost certain. But the thing is, 1 in 5 times X will *not* occur. When it comes to medicine, will you be the 1 in 5? Nobody knows.

      What’s helped me with my doc and my situation is my work stuff… I don’t work in medicine, but one of my recent projects is very heavy into applied probabilities. I have *years* of data for my thing, and the reality is, no matter how much data I have (and can get), sometimes the answer is truly “we don’t know.” (Or, in data terms, sometimes a probability of 0.5 is the correct answer, and there’s no way to refine it from there.) I’ve got the ability to talk through my work problem with true experts in my field, and I have some expertise in the subject as well. But yeah, all of us smart people get together, look at the problem, determine it has been modeled correctly, and the model results reflect reality, and presto – 50/50 is the best answer we can get.

      Working through that at work has helped me cope with the uncertainties in my heart diagnosis.

    8. Alpha Bravo*

      I’m not much help here; when my spouse was diagnosed they wouldn’t give us any estimate, which I later came to understand meant “We actually don’t know why you’re not already dead.” (This was late-stage cancer that had metastasized to his lungs; he truly had zero time left.) He lived two more months, at home, with our daughter and I providing hospice care. I’d say, if you’re getting any estimates in the scale of years, that’s an excellent sign. I am wishing you and your husband many more years of good time together.

  85. Anonadog*

    In my NYC high rise apartment, I have windows that push out and open only about 2.5-3 inches. (The are like casement windows but without the crank to open them.) I like to leave them open for the breeze, but the breeze from the other windows slams them shut.

    How can I elegantly prop them open? Most window props are for windows that slide up or pull open on a horizontal track. Right now I jam a towel in the opening, but it’s not a very nice-looking solution.

    1. Koala dreams*

      I think you can get a simple window stopper. I like those that look like a comma but there are other shapes too. Looks better than a towel and easy to use. There are also fixed window stoppers that you can buy, and then I think you screw them in place, not sure. Good luck!

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      We measured and had our local hardware store cut (I think they charge $.10 a cut here) a dowel to the lengths needed to hold up our window when the internal lift/hold broke – maybe something like that would work? You want to wrap the ends in tape or something so you don’t scratch the finish/paint, and to make sure they are maybe just a smidge longer than the distance, so they don’t fall through/out. Think – wedged open and needs just a little muscle to push it in/pull it out.

  86. Damn it, Hardison!*

    A quick vent here because it’s quieter than screaming: husband’s sick, cat’s sick, and I’m 3 days out from a major cutover at work which has very little margin of error and no flexibility on the deadline. Come on, universe!

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      That sucks. Hang in there.
      And unless husband is severely sick – he can take care of himself and the cat. I’m not joking. There’s a lot of men out there who seem to think they can be giant helpless babies when they have a cold, while you’ve got women who have severe illnesses still doing everything. It’s NOT ok.

      1. fposte*

        Yes. For that matter, many people live alone and take care of their pets when they’re sick. It’s nice to have somebody do the stuff, but it’s not requisite.

    2. StudentA*

      Hmmmm. Hate to say it, but the work thing is a one time deal. Might be best to save your energy for that? Give your hubs and cat lots of hugs and kisses though, but they’ll have to try to fend for themselves for a couple of days.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Thanks, everybody! I was just feeling frustrated because my plans for the day got totally rearranged, and that always makes me cranky. Cat is feeling better (back to her usual obnoxious self), so that’s good. Took husband to urgent care because he was wheezing a lot. Took x-rays of his lungs but didn’t see anything. Back home to rest and drink lots of fluids. Only minor emergencies with the work situation that I could handle on my phone in the waiting room. Also ran to Target to get medicine, Kleenex, gatorade and all manner of soft foods appropriate for invalids. He’s pretty self-sufficient when sick, plus I told him I couldn’t be anywhere near him while he’s sick, lest I catch it too. It’s been a couple of rough months work-wise and it’s reaching the fever pitch, so even the smallest unexpected things seem more problematic than they really are. 5 more days….

  87. blood pressure monitor*

    Does anyone use a blood pressure monitor? My doctor suggested I get one because whenever I go to the doctor it starts high but then within the same visit will lower substantially, i.e., it’s hard to get a good measurement, and it runs in my family so we want to monitor it (and I’m not getting any younger, alas). The cost variations are pretty high, and some of the extras surprised me too. I don’t need bluetooth readings on my phone, I don’t need to share the device with other people, I don’t need it to store 20 years of recordings, I just want something that will give me a good reading easily and consistently (i.e., I want my reading and my doctor’s readings to be more or less similar). It also seems this might be covered by insurance? my local pharmacy told me to go to a chain for it.

    1. fposte*

      Consumer Reports shows its top 2019 picks for blood pressure monitors for free even to non-subscribers–that might be a way to start. I’d also call your insurance to check on the coverage and see how it works and if it covers specific models (a quick trawl found results all over the map, and it may depend on your doctor’s having diagnosed you with high blood pressure). If you have an FSA, you can probably use it to purchase the monitor and that will at least make it pre-tax.

      1. valentine*

        You can get one with a cuff and just write down the readings, then send your doctor an average. There are instructions like feet on the floor, don’t do it when you have to pee or within about an hour of eating/drinking. If any of that applies to the doctor’s office, that may explain it. If you have to walk a long way and don’t have significant rest before they take it or if they use the wrong-size cuff, that also affects the reading.

    2. London Calling*

      I have one which I bought for £ 20 from a UK chain (realise that doesn’t help you if you are not in the UK but similar are probably available where you are). No gizmos or extras, just the cuff and the monitor itself. If your reading at the doctor’s is high and then much lower ir sounds like white coat syndrome, so measuring at home should eliminate that.

    3. MaxiesMommy*

      You do want one that records– the doctor’s looking for a pattern and consistency. Two weeks of 140/80 means more than whatever you show in the office.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I mean, you can always write it down or record it on your phone. I actually find that easier. We actually have one that records a ton of previous readings, I just never use that feature!

    4. JediSquirrel*

      I bought a cheap one online ($10). It is precise, but not accurate. I took it with me to my doctor’s office and took a reading with it just after the nurse did. Turns out it reads about ten points high. I later bought a more expensive one (about $35) that is both accurate and precise.

      I consistently get good readings at home, but not at the doctor’s office. White Coat Syndrome is definitely a real thing.

    5. Coffee Bean*

      Hi! I work for a primary care doctor and we deal with this every day. Omron is a good brand with many different models, and I think they are available on Amazon.

      Alternatively, my dr. also recommends that if a patient can’t or doesn’t want to buy a home monitor, to use the free machine that many pharmacies have (in my area, the supermarket/big box stores have them too). The important part is using the same machine every time you take your BP, to be as accurate as possible. Make sure you write down your numbers and take them with you to your next appointment- it’s very helpful and it can be hard to recall them from memory in the moment.

    6. Book Lover*

      We recommend Omron. And to take it in when you see your doc on a pretty regular basis.

    7. jDC*

      I got the Target brand one and it works better than I expected and was about $30. I also bring it to check against what my doctors says when I go and he was impressed with it and has recommended it as well.

  88. LGC*

    Getting a bit of a late start with the weekly (“weekly”) running thread – actually, a really late start! (Don’t do a 15 miler and then go to work afterwards. I was knocked out basically all night.)

    Anyway, I think I might have mentioned this in passing, but…I’m doing New York again in the fall. I’m looking forward to it, but…I might be a bit crazy, since I want to cut 15 minutes off my time from last year. I ran a 2:54 last year, so that’d be…oh, 2:39. No big deal.

    So, aside from being a moonshot:
    1) Should I really approach it as being a moonshot? Right now, I’m at the, “well, it’d be awesome if I could do that, but realistically LMAOOOOO” stage. Which feels manageable, but also feels like I’m sandbagging it.
    2) To flip it around, I need to hear stories about risks YOU guys have taken! I’m somewhat notorious for just dropping wild things in secret – like, I barely mentioned my first marathon to people until about a month and a half out. (And now I don’t shut up about my race plans.)

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      My goal was to run the 2010 NYC Marathon in 3:45:00 despite having never broken four hours in a marathon nor ever coming close to doing so. I finished in 4:04:31, with basically the equivalent of black smoke pouring out of the engine after mile 18.

      My goal was to run the 2014 NJ Marathon in 3:55:00. Ditto above. I finished in 4:15:00.

      This sport has a way of humbling you. But there’s nothing wrong with shooting for the moon and ending up somewhere in the stars. Regardless of your time, NYC is an amazing experience, as you learned last year. It’s awesome that you’re doing it again, and good luck!

      1. LGC*

        Trust me, I know about being humbled! I was hoping to run a 2:50 at Boston, and I didn’t break 3. I spent a fair amount of time going over what I did “wrong” in the run-up. The funny thing is, because I knew that it was going poorly about 10 miles in – like, I stepped off the course to use the bathroom, and I have never done that in any race before – it actually didn’t crush me as much as it would have otherwise.

        You’re right in that it’ll be cool regardless! It’s just that…I know myself well enough that I do tend to extremes if I’m not careful. And I’m afraid that I’ll either decide not to work towards that level (or I’ll be like, “hey, I can go for it later”) or I’ll go nuts and crash myself. Both of which are bad!

        Or I could just be reasonable and incremental about things – like, train to drop 10 minutes and be happy with dropping 5. But something in me tells me that I can do this if I put my mind to it.

  89. This seems embarrassing*

    I’m a longtime reader, but I’ve never posted before. So cliche. I’m recently (amicably) divorced. I’m trying to figure out how to dip my toes in the world of dating. I’m not trying to find “the one” or “hook-up”, which seem to be the two choices on dating apps. Anything you would say in your profile to indicate this? Looking for someone to flirt with, text with, make-out with, etc. I’m a woman (mid-30s) interested in men. I’m located in Atlanta if anyone has any Atlanta-specific dating app advice.

    1. Dan*

      “no hookups please” is usually clear enough for the later.

      What I can’t tell from what you’ve written is whether sex is on the table or not. (I interpret “hookups” as sex outside the context of an established relationship, e.g., something closer to a one night stand, although two people can hookup more than once and still remain in hookup territory.)

      If you’re not interested in sex at all, I think the mainstream dating apps will be a challenge. You can outright say it, but few guys will be interested. If you’re fine with sex but just don’t want anything serious, language along the lines of “I’m just looking for something casual” will get the point across.

      1. OP*

        Sex is on the table, just not interested in a string of one-night stands. Thanks for all the advice!

    2. ArtK*

      There’s a comment thread above about dating. My advice: Find activities you enjoy that put you in contact with other people. If you can find a dating app/group that includes something that you enjoy (say, “Mouse Mingle” for Disney fans), that may work. Frankly, the general-purpose dating sites are a cesspool, especially if you’re a woman. You can put stuff in your profile and the creeps will happily ignore it.

    3. Kim, No Longer Esq.*

      I would say, just try to get out doing more of the things you’d be doing anyway? Like, if a friend invites you out to drinks, go, and try chatting with some strangers. Go to networking events in your field. Go to meetups, or classes, or workshops, or whatever else seems like it might be interesting for what it is. Some of those people will end up being interesting to you, and some of them might evolve into something more (and tbh, as a bonus, if you’re a woman, that’s an easier way to go than it is for men, mostly).

      I think dating apps would be fine for these purposes too, along the advice that Dan gave. I know lots of people who enjoy using Tinder to just sort of casually date, and they seem to have fun!

    4. FWB*

      I think what you’re after is a friends with benefits, or if you prefer a somewhat more eloquent framing of it, taking a lover. I’m not sure how it works online, but I became friends with mine through mutual friends and an intimacy developed from there. Neither of us are looking towards a LTR/marriage. It’s fun. We like each other. We have good communication and also good chemistry. We also value our independence and space.
      I think these sorts of relationships are more common than you might think (I know of several in my small circle), but they’re not often talked about.

    5. rtial*

      you may not see this now but on the off chance you do: the datingoverthirty subreddit on Reddit is very welcoming and fun place to hang out while you figure this out

    6. Redhead in NY*

      I liked OkCupid the best for dating. There is a lot more information available about the person than the other apps give (religion, height, education, etc.) and you can answer a ton of questions about yourself and rank their importance – which is what is used to match you with someone.

      I online dated for a couple of years then met my soon to be husband 5.5 years ago. I personally liked online dating because you can get to know the person a bit by phone/text before you waste time meeting them in person.

      I will admit that you will meet some weirdos, you will be contacted by gross men with terrible pick up lines, but there are quality people out there – just takes some time to find them!

  90. MOAS*

    Kind of a weird Q here but are these type of memory lapses normal? I’m not worried or anything but just. Curious I guess.

    For instance… When I was in middle & High school, social studies & history were my favorite subjects. I remember learning about someone who decided to move to a new land and overtake them. And I remember thinking “wow that’s wrong, what gives them the right to do that?”

    I remember thinking that was wrong but for the life of me I cannot remember-if I ever vocalized it, and it I did, did I get in trouble for it? This was 1998 if that matters.

    Another time, I was in HS. I had gotten my permit. It was late afternoon in the spring/summer. I took my dads car out and drove it around. I remember being in my neighborhood and I saw a police car a few cars behind me. I got scared and instead of turning to go home I kept going straight. (On speed limit and all). I kept driving and driving until I ended up a good 30-40 m away from my home. And I had little gas left and had no clue how to do that. I remember being SCARED. This was before we had GPS and I had a cell phone but wouldn’t call my parents. I made it home safe and sound but TO THIS DAY I CANT REMEMBER HOW I MADE IT HOME. That was in 2003 I think.

    1. YetAnotherUsername*

      I think it’s normal not to remember things from years ago.

      Apparently I jumped into the sea once as a teenager to save a small child. All my sibling and parents remember this. But I have literally no memory of it. And that seems like a pretty big thing you would expect to remember.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Seems normal to me. There are a ton of things from my life–from childhood through probably yesterday–that I don’t remember, or I remember just bits and pieces. Many things I don’t remember at all. It amazes me that some people remember quite a bit, while I remember just the big stuff, and maybe a few small things here and there.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Normal.
      And we get more of this as we age.
      We can only fit so much in our brains and then we have to get rid of stuff- lol.

      In your first example, if you did say that out loud, there is nothing wrong with doing so. And probably you did not say that out loud because you would be more apt to remember what happened next.

      In your second example, most people in that predicament would forget how they got back home. I remember ending up in a gang area of a large city. Fortunately I had my friend with me. We knew to get out of there.
      I remember we drove and drove. Nothing looked familiar for probably 45 minutes. Then all of the sudden I recognized a road. That road would bring us back to our home town. I cannot tell you where we were and I cannot tell you what roads we used to get out. I do remember the relief of finally recognizing a route number.

      Your second example is more dramatic than the first example. I would fully expect my memory to be blurry because of all the fear/panic in a story like that.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      Normal. And in the latter story, the fact that you were scared may have made it harder for you to store the memory of how you got home. Not a big deal at all.

    6. Book Lover*

      Check this out – excellent podcast, and I’d the family doesn’t remember who in the family broke his arm, then your story seems pretty mild by comparison.

    7. Patty Mayonnaise*

      I think this is common! Both situations you described made you feel distressed, so I think you continued to hold onto them because it was a negative memory. You forgot the more mundane parts (getting home without further incident and whatever you said in class, which might have even been nothing). I was in a similar situation as your car story in high school, where I got lost at night while driving in an unfamiliar area. I remember being lost in detail, but not how I got home! I’m pretty sure I eventually retraced my steps back to my friend’s house and took a different route home, but I don’t really remember. So all sounds normal to me!

    8. RagingADHD*

      Sounds normal to me. You remember the emotion, not the details that surrounded it.

      I bet you didn’t say anything or get in trouble for that comment in school. If you had, it would have been memorable.

      I’ve realized since I passed 30, that there is a LOT going on in life. Our brains aren’t infinite. If you remembered every detail of everything, you’d go insane.

  91. StudentA*

    Holy salmon cakes. This pic of Sam is one of my favorite pics you ever posted, period.

    Can you like sell it to stock photo companies or something?

    Has Sam been granted knighthood yet? Or is he too gangsta?

  92. cat fights*

    My cat just busted through our screen window to get at a neighbour’s cat who was in our yard. Our cat is an indoor only cat, but most cat owners in the area let their cats roam around freely outside (which is against city bylaws). This is the second time our kitty has got out to attack the neighbour’s cat.

    Is there some kind of window screen that is cat proof? He literally broke the screen – no warning. One minute he’s peacefully looking out the window, the next minute he’s outside rolling around fighting and there’s a hole in our screen.

    Another thing we were looking at was to cat proof our yard with some kind of mesh on the top of our fence so other cats can’t get in.

    Any other suggestions?? We want to be able to open our windows in the summer, and we want the neighbour’s cat to stop driving our cat crazy by coming into our yard.

    1. Eva and Me*

      I saw an episode of My Cat From Hell (or more than one!) with a similar issue. Well, maybe not the resident cat going through the screen! One possible solution is motion-activated sprinklers. There may also have been some kind of mesh/screen that is placed along the top of a fence and if a cat tries to climb it, it bends back on itself. Google Jackson Galaxy.
      Your cat is simply trying to defend his territory, and if he ends up anxious over it, he may end up with behavior issues (spraying, etc.). Worst case scenario, don’t let your cat see into the back yard.
      We have “squirrel-proof” screens on some of our windows, as the squirrels were fond of trying to chew their way in (partly my fault, as I toss birdseed out there in the morning for the birds/squirrels/chipmunks/occasional possum, but the squirrels had attacked screens way on the opposite side of the house, too). They are extra tough, and so far, so good.

      1. Alexandra Lynch*

        We had a cat patio that was homemade with screen on three sides to keep the bugs out, and hog fencing to keep Cameline the Fluffy, Defender of the Entire Yard and Street She Could See, inside.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I think keeping other cats out of the yard might be the first step. You can get ultrasonic cat repellents (check Amazon; I haven’t tried these), which you place around the perimeter of your yard. They’re motion-activated. When it senses motion, it emits a blast of sound that only a cat can hear, not humans, and it should stop that cat from coming into the yard. Jackson Galaxy sometimes recommends them. Also, you can get a rigid metal screen that goes on the bottom third or bottom half of the screen door for an extra layer of protection.

    4. Ramanon*

      When the Terrible Tortitude Tornado busted through the screen, I taped tinfoil over the window screens and poked holes in it with a toothpick. Technically, it worked, but your mileage may vary.

    5. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I haven’t used it myself, but what you want is called ‘pet screen’. I came across it randomly online the other day, and noted it’s existence for future use. Looks pretty cheap and has good reviews, even from people with large dogs.

      1. Anono-me*

        The pet screen that we used worked well, just make sure the frame is also upgraded. Otherwise you get a perfectly fine screen lying in the middle of your yard and your pet running amok.

    6. Pennalynn Lott*

      Along the “My Cat From Hell” line. . . what does your cat’s indoor life look like? Is your space “catified”? Lots of interactive toys and multilevel places to hang out? Calming pheromone diffusers plugged into at least a couple of electrical outlets? Do you play with your cat several times a day, enough to wear him the eff out, so that he’s flopped on his side panting?

      Basically, the theory is that if you give your cat enough of an enriched life indoors, he’ll be territorial about that space and ignore what’s outside the windows.

      And, lastly, I’m sure the answer is Yes, but is your cat neutered?

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      the common window screen is nylon I believe. It’s worthless against cats. What you want is metal screening. It’s more expensive, and I don’t think every hardware store carries it. I think it’s harder to work with, but it should be lot more durable against cat attacks.

  93. tryingNotToScream*

    The New Yorker has a puff piece on Al Franken, and I’m trying to not let my brain explode. Maybe the New Yorker is a boy’s club or something? Then again, Emily Yoffe wrote a similar column not too long ago.

    Apparently the key phrase is “due process”. Due process is very important in a court of law, but I don’t think it got that far. I don’t think it was unreasonable for people to tell Franken that with accusations of groping/etc., from 8 women, that he’s not likely to be very effective as a senator, but apparently the New Yorker thinks that he was unfairly pressured to resign.

    Now if these were false accusations, which seems unlikely (8 different accusers), then that would be one thing. And to be fair, I didn’t finish the entire article because I didn’t want my head to actually explode. But as far as I got in the article, that didn’t seem to be the point of the article.

    And if you search on “Lindsay Menz” in this article https://time.com/5042931/al-franken-accusers/
    where she says he “put his hand full-fledged on my rear… It was wrapped tightly around my butt cheek.”, and he says “I take thousands of photos at the state fair surrounded by hundreds of people, and I certainly don’t remember taking this picture. I feel badly that Ms. Menz came away from our interaction feeling disrespected.”

    I’m sorry, but seriously?! If he’s telling the truth, that makes me think he’s put his hand on a a whole lot of women’s rear ends when he barely knew them. I mean, how many people, when asked if they had put their hand on a stranger’s rear end like this in say the last year or so couldn’t immediately say “No. I didn’t do that.” because that’s not something they do, ever?

    1. Close Bracket*

      Emily Yoffe is … a piece of work. She writes a lot of stupid things, so her writing something stupid about Franken is not evidence against the New Yorker being a boy’s club.

      1. Observer*

        Nonsense. I read the entire article. (Not Yoffe- haven’t seen it), but the New Yorker one. She repeatedly buries important issues and does the EXACT same thing they accuse others of doing.

        *Eight* women accused him of groping them – all of them on his side politically. He “doesn’t remember” these women / doing that. His staff say he “couldn’t have done that” because 1. He loves hi wife (so, supposedly, does Weinstein) and 2. he’s a gross “physically oblivious” person who had such a bad habit of kissing any and all women who came his way that his staff had to tell him to knock it off.

        There was more. But seriously, I don’t feel sorry for the man one whit.

        1. tryingNotToScream*

          Thanks! This is what I was thinking, too. I was having a really tough time with the positive spin the New Yorker was giving this.

    3. Jojo*

      The thing is, New Yorker articles are fact-checked, unlike the original article accusing Franken

  94. Earthw*

    US medical insurance questions: 1) Does anyone have a good educational resource for estimating a medical budget? I’m healthy and my spouse is in remission from cancer. I know the monthly cost of insurance. I know what’s covered and the copays and the deductible and the maximum out-of-pocket for medical care and for prescriptions. But I read constantly about insured people who pay huge sums because the hospital was in-network but the anesthetist or test lab wasn’t, or the ambulance took them to an out-of-network hospital, or a pharmacy plan that covered all their drugs then doesn’t include a life-saving drug needed now, or a particular health issue they never thought they’d have is excluded in the fine print. I expect that my pretty-respectable employee plan must have loopholes too. How does one plan ahead to save a reasonable amount for emergencies? And 2) Is it normal for insurance cards to have no date? I get next year’s while last year’s is still in force, so I carry both, forget to cull the old ones, and the next thing I know I have three or four in my wallet, all with different info, and I can’t recall which is current. I’ve started dating them in permanent marker, but is there a better way?

    1. WellRed*

      Oh hon, I really don’t think you can plan for all that. I know the estimated annual costs for what I need to manage ongoing issues but can’t estimate anything else. If you have access to an HSA through work, I do recommend making that out. I’d suggest doing your best to u derstand your benefits (I know, they make it difficult) and don’t be afraid to ask questions: of the insurer, HR, the health care providers. And yes, it’s not uncommon for cards to have no date. Wrap a sticky around the new one until it’s time to use it and cut up the old one.

        1. valentine*

          I can’t afford an HSA, so I’m always going to be over or under on my FSA estimate and deeply resent that an overage is forfeited/constitutes legally unpaid work.

          1. jDC*

            I will say we only put in $25 a check and it still really helps. If you can afford even a little it saves some money. Ours also pays directly so I don’t even have to pay myself.

    2. Agent J*

      For estimating insurance costs, some insurance companies’ websites have online calculators that estimate costs for certain illnesses and let you know which facilities are in-network and out-of-network. And depending on your insurance co., you might be able to get out-of-network facility costs adjusted if they were out of your control. I went to the hospital a few years back and they used a lab that was out-of-network but they didn’t tell me. It took a few months but eventually my insurance co. wrote off the expense.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Additionally: If one does find oneself in a situation like the one you described, the majority of US hospitals (well – that is, public nonprofit ones, I’m sure there are private or for-profit medical centers that are a whole different ball of wax, but I’ve never worked for or with one of those) have a department who’s sole and entire purpose is working with patients to figure out how to solve those problems and find alternative ways to get things covered. At my hospital, it’s the Patient Financial Navigation department. They have all kinds of hookups, from alternative or supplemental insurance plans to assistance in navigating medicare/medicaid/public assistance signups to information about research studies, clinical trials, pharmacies with patient assistance programs that can provide free or discounted medications. They’re also involved in the appeals process for non-covered or out-of-network charge issues, usually.

      From an employee standpoint, our HR has a worksheet calculator thing that can be used to estimate your yearly cost of health care. We offer I think five or six different health care options, so the calculator is intended to help folks decide which plan will best suit their needs. You might be able to find something similar online?

    4. Earthw*

      Thanks for the good advice. I guess I’m still trying to come to grips with the idea that insurance used to be for medical emergencies and now we sort of need to plan our emergencies a year in advance.

  95. Sam Sepiol*

    Just for any UK peeps who are feeling my pain at the mo: OH MY GOD I HATE TAX CREDITS. I don’t understand what parts of my salary count and don’t for tax credits point of view (or quite frankly my P60). I just realised that my payslips list my FTE salary and not my actual salary, I had a trauma that I’m actually getting paid full time and working part time but they do also record on there my correct time worked. Arrrgh why does it always have to be stressful?!
    Also fwiw I tried to renew the credits as soon as my pack arrived but my P60 only arrived a week or two back. Grr.

    1. Ron McDon*

      I feel your pain – I stopped claiming a few years ago as our joint income rose above the threshold. Each year I’ve always received a letter saying ‘check our figures, if they’re correct you don’t need to do anything’.

      This year for some reason HMRC decided to start a claim for tax credits for me, and the only way to stop it (and avoid a fine) was to give them all the financial information, as if I were claiming! Crazy.

      Took me aaaaages to collate the figures (my husband gets dividends from his company in addition to salary, and his pension contributions had to be deducted, then savings income added), it was a nightmare.

      All so that I could confirm I don’t want to claim tax credits and I’m not eligible to receive them!

      There must be a better way of administering it. I feel for anyone having to go through submitting a claim.

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        I’d forgotten that! I was eligible the first year after I had my son then not after that, but the only thing that cancelled that claim was when I left my husband. It’s ridiculous! And they KNOW exactly what my P60 says, so… why do I need to log in and confirm? It’s a ridiculous system.

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      I worked in the UK for a few years – youre bringing beck memories! Bad memories. Why is it so complicated! Someone told me that they turned down a raise once because they would have been worse off once he worked out the change in tax credits and tax bands. How insane is that. I don’t know if he worked it out right or not but he was sure enough to turn down the raise.

    3. Bagpuss*

      I’m so sorry. They are horrible.
      I haven’t ever had t claim for myself but I know a couple of our part time employees had terrible problems after HMRC royally f-ed up on how they recorded our payroll which had a knock on effect on tax credits.
      Spent forever with them telling the employee that we needed to contact them to sort it wout, then repeatedly telling us that they couldn’t speak to us at all becasue it was priovate and they couldn’t talk to anyone except the calimant (even when the claimant spoke to them to say no, I authorise you to speak to my employer because you just told me you need them to sort this out…)

      O think part of the propblem is that half the staff don’t know how it works, and none of the rlevant departments of HMRC communicate with each other.

  96. jDC*

    Figured I’d end everyone’s weekend with a good one. Went to the ER this evening following intense abdominal pain all day. I was doubled over and felt like I was being stabbed. Husband finally dragged me there thinking my appendix was about to burst. Don’t worry though, I just pulled an abdominal ligament (as bad as one could they said) having sex. Yep. That was embarrassing.

    1. Not A Manager*

      If you absolutely must pull an abdominal ligament, having sex is definitely the way to do it!

      1. jDC*

        Good point! Seriously thought I would be going into surgery last night, not laughing about my bedroom mishap.

    2. WellRed*

      I think not until after the first if the year and then after that it will really ramp up once they have the Dem nominee, which happens August, I think. For me, there’s so many candidates right now it’s hard to take it seriously. The next debate should also weed out a bunch.

  98. Respectfully, Pumat Sol*

    Off topic, but Alison, where did you find a photo of my cat? I had to do a double take – the cat in the photo looks exactly like one of mine.

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