weekend free-for-all – September 28-29, 2019

by Alison Green on September 28, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont, by Elizabeth Taylor. An older woman moves into the Claremont Hotel and befriends a young writer who agrees to pose as her grandson. There’s dark humor in it, but it’s more poignant than funny.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Anonymous Educator*

    Does anyone else still draw or doodle? What do you draw? Landscapes, figure drawings, stuff from your imagination? What media do you use?

    1. Xavier89*

      Usually paper and colored pencils

      I’ll doodle little comics for my friends or I’ll draw them in red carpet dresses, they love that

    2. Nela*

      Yeah, drawing and painting is a huge passion of mine. I even considered switching to illustration, but every time I got an assignment I hated doing the work haha! I’m better off drawing just for my own pleasure.

      I use just about anything – ink (brush pen especially), watercolor, acrylics, colored pencils, charcoal… I mostly draw surrealish, creepy or fantasy portraits, and a bit of landscape and animals for practice. My Instagram username is “nelchee” (no quotes) if anyone wants to check it out.

    3. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

      I’d love to be artistic enough to doodle properly, but I cannot draw for toffee!
      That hasn’t stopped me amassing a collection of watercolour pencils and thin felt tipped pens in a variety of colours for when I just need to get my scribble on

      (for point of reference, you know XKCD? Yeah, I *wish* my stickpeople were that well defined!)

      1. anonagain*

        Getting your scribble on is good! I used to draw and paint a lot, but now I just make splotches of water color on paper sometimes. I like the sensory experience of moving a brush on paper and watching the color diffuse in the water.

        “I’d love to be artistic enough to doodle properly, but I cannot draw for toffee!”

        You can learn.

        The turning point for me was realizing that it’s not just about practicing lots. (The only thing that did was make me more efficient at making the same terrible drawing.) I needed to actually learn some stuff first and then practice that loads.

        I did this all as an adult, mostly using online resources and books. I never got amazing, but I got good enough to more or less be able to create the effect I was aiming for in a drawing. It was fun and it made drawing more fun for me. If that’s your kind of fun and you have questions, I’m happy to answer.

        If it doesn’t make drawing more fun for you, then that’s cool. Do what’s fun. Life’s hard enough without making our hobbies into chores.

        1. Want to learn*

          I would appreciate if you could share some of these books/ online resources that you found helpful.

          1. anonagain*

            No problem! I’m going to list names of instructors/artistics, because several of these people have multiple resources.

            – Alphonso Dunn: Mostly pen and ink artist, but so useful for principles of drawing. He was a science teacher, so the way he explains things makes a lot of sense to me. He’s one of my favorites for technique.

            – Mark Crilley: I wasn’t super into drawing cartoons/comics/manga style stuff, but several of his tutorials just clicked for me. His explanation of foreshortening was so helpful. He also gives a lot of advice on creativity, developing as an artist, etc. if you are into that kind of thing.

            – Danny Gregory: Danny has a very distinctive style of art and his approach to teaching is as much about encouraging people to keep going and make drawing/paining a habit. He does offer some suggestions for specific exercises.

            I’ve also done a few different paid online classes, tutorials, etc. This is one of those things that just depends on your circumstances and how you learn. This obviously isn’t necessary.

            -The Virtual Art Instructor. I hit a wall with my self-directed study, because I was skipping around too much. This site has structured courses to work through. The instructor, Matt, is another one whose teaching style really works for me personally.

            – Koosje Koene: Koosje’s intro class was the first drawing class I did. It was warm and supportive and she provided lots of feedback. There’s a forum and you can talk to the other students, which appealed to me since I wasn’t able to get out of the house. This won’t be the right match for everyone, but it was a really good first class for me. (She has a youtube channel too.)

            I also picked up a lot of tips from watching accomplished artists. Lisa at Lachri Fine Art is amazing and she has a great youtube channel. Listening to her talk through how she approaches a piece helped me learn to observe things more accurately. For example, she’ll look at an animal with black fur and point out the colors reflecting off of it. I never noticed any of that. I just knew that my drawings looked flat. (Kelly Eddington is a water colorist who I also find fascinating to watch.)

            A specific tip from Lisa, that wouldn’t have occurred to me, is to trace. I thought it might be a shortcut that would hold me back, but it is so helpful. It helps you start to see the lines in a reference photo instead of insisting on drawing what you think you see. I used to take a marker and outline photos in magazines as an exercise. I also drew stick figures over the people in magazines and added guidelines to faces so I could start to internalize all of those spacial relationships.

            I hope something in all that that helps! I’m definitely a nerd who enjoys homework, so that’s the type of approach I took. You can approach this so many different ways and they can all be very rewarding.

            1. Want to learn*

              Oh this is such a wonderful list or resources! Thank you for taking the time to put it together.
              And the tip about tracing will be so useful!

            2. Seeking Second Childhood*

              My daughter’s going to like that too, I can’t wait until I hand her a main and explain. :)

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I used to get 4×6 index cards and make postcards out of them using permanent marker, then mail them to my friends. One time I went to various “non-touristy” places around down and drew the postcards I thought they should have, but usually it was more a picture and a caption about something going on in my life or that I was thinking about.

      I should really do that again. I’m kind of terrible at keeping in touch with people since I don’t use social media, and it was a good way to keep up a connection with friends I didn’t see that often.

    6. Arts Akimbo*

      I’m a professional illustrator, does that count? (Don’t know if you were just wanting input from people who draw purely for pleasure.)

      When I’m just doodling for fun, I like to use Micron pens, Palomino Blackwing pencils (the black ones, with the softest lead), or sumi ink. When painting for fun, I usually reach for the acrylic. I love to paint/draw landscapes, animals, cities, the rooms I’m in, or fanciful structures (like fairy castles!) but I hate drawing people. I only practice people-drawing because there is way more work to be found in my niche field if you can draw people realistically. Ironically, I love drawing faces! But get arms and legs involved and I just want to peace out, LOL!

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Oooh, and one thing I nearly forgot– my favorite surface! When I’m playing with pencil JUST for me and for no one else, I love Yupo synthetic paper! You can do so much with it! I go to town on it with my Blackwing and an electric eraser, even a razor blade to gently scrape out white highlights, and it is just pure fun!

    7. wingmaster*

      Nowadays, I draw using my S4 galaxy tablet. I mostly draw fashion illustrations, but I like to go on the subreddit /r/redditgetsdrawn sometimes for different inspiration.

    8. Reba*

      I’m trained as an artist, but fallen mostly out of it. (My degree was in painting/printmaking, both hard to do without a studio space or equipment!) I want to get into field sketching, something I used to do sort of like journaling when I traveled, but now the idea is to do plein air stuff while hiking. We hike a lot, and my spouse has recently leveled up his camera gear… meaning that I can end up twiddling my thumbs for a while sometimes when he is working on a shot.

      So I’m planning to try colored pencil work, which I’ve not heavily used before, in that setting, hopefully to give me something to do and to enjoy my outdoor time in a different way.

      1. Nela*

        That’s a great idea!
        Sadly I’m the only artist and photographer in my hiking group, so I’m always lagging behind everyone…
        If you’re more experienced with painting, I recommend getting a small watercolor palette and a waterbrush. I find that it’s lighter than carrying around a set of colored pencils.

    9. Even Steven*

      Animals! I keep the book How To Draw Almost Any Animal by Chibu Miyata in my desk at work, and doodle one animal a day while I eat lunch at my desk. I draw them in ballpoint pen on yellow legal pads, then color in with colored pencils. It becoming A Thing – colleagues will request specific animals on specific days. For example, Friday was Octopus Day, for a colleague who requested it on her birthday.

    10. The pest, Ramona*

      The notebooks of my educational years were filled with doodles (mostly paisley or geometric designs). I used whatever pens or pencils were on hand (basic school supplies).
      Much later I was told that doodling helps cement information we are taking in at that time into our memory banks.
      (Note to self: start doodling again!)

  2. Clumsy nail painter*

    I managed to spill green nail polish on my cream-coloured wool carpet *happy days*

    Any idea how I get it off? I don’t want to try remover without knowing if it works in case I damage the wool, and the pile is not long enough to cut out the stain.

    I’m in the UK.

    1. Approval is optional*

      Remover should work – though try to scrape off as much as you can first. Can you test the remover on a wee bit in a ‘hidden’ spot?- maybe the bit that’s up against the skirting board (pull it away so you test it on the length that’s against the board rather than the top of the pile – that way it’ll be hidden by the board once you let it go back to it’s normal position.)

    2. Ron McDon*

      Sorry, no suggestions apart from looking on Jolie Kerr’s site (ask a clean person). She knows how to get anything out of anything!

      What we’ve done before when a stain wouldn’t come out was cut a square of carpet out where the stain is, and cut a square out from under a sofa or something, to switch them over. It can work without being noticeable, depending upon how worn your carpet is, and if there’s a pattern on it!

      1. valentine*

        Nail polish: ♪ Pour some sugar on me ♪

        I think you’re meant to use a lot and then sweep or pick it right up.

    3. Reliquary*

      I once successfully removed nail polish from a beige/tan wool carpet by scrubbing it with Windex, and blotting with a sturdy white cotton cloth. Do you have that sort of blue spray window cleaner in the UK? It should contain ammonia. Try it if you do!

    4. JDC*

      Now that it is dry I don’t have good advice but next time poor salt on it. It will then absorb into the salt, become flakey and you can basically vacuum it up once it absorbed and dried. Some nail polish remover has helped me but you NEED to test it on a patch somewhere hidden to see it it’ll stain your rug. It may not on a cream rug but it could.

    5. German Girl*

      Can you hang that carpet out to dry or is it fixed to your floor? If you can hang it, go with the remover and then immediately rinse with lots of water to get the remover out. I wouldn’t do this on darker material but I think cream is light enough that you won’t notice a slight discoloration due to the remover if it happens at all.

    6. notmyusualname*

      Acetone (not a blend as is common in most beauty-product nail polish removers) should take care of it and not greatly affect the wool. The difficulty is going to be once the polish softens up, scrubbing/daubing/rubbing it away without creating a wider, lighter spot. It may take a lot of acetone and elbow grease to get it truly “rinsed” away.
      I don’t know what the UK’s laws are around selling it, but in the US, you can still buy a gallon can of pure acetone at hardware stores. If possible, you want to tackle this chore outdoors. The fumes can be strong.

    7. JobHunter*

      I once dropped a bottle of purple nail polish on a beige carpet. I tried acetone-free nail polish remover, which didn’t work. A few years later I purchased a carpet spot cleaner and used the cleaning solution for it. The polish came right out without harming the rug.

      1. Clumsy nail painter*

        Thanks, I’ll have a look for the carpet spot cleaner, and if I can’t find it I’ll try the Windolene (Windex?) that Reliquary suggested as another option.

    9. gsa*

      Flood it with water, and soak up the water with a clean white towel, Repeatedly.

      Any solvent will remove the color from the wool.

  3. Lifesempossible*

    Hi everyone! Happy weekend! Young adult here looking for everyone’s best money advice.

    I love personal finance and have been self-educating for ten years now, yet as I enter into the next stages of my life (marriage, home, kids someday), I am wondering if there’s some tidbits out there that could change my life.

    For reference, I already contribute what I can afford to 401k, HSA, have short term disability insurance, and zero credit card debt. (Working on getting those student loans down.) My fiancé and I are trying our best to live within our means, but we have nothing left to cut from the budget. So I’d love to get some practical wisdom :)

    1. Lena Clare*

      I found You Need A Budget absolutely invaluable and have saved loads of money from areas I didn’t think were possible.
      They do a free 34 day trial, and free 12 months for students. I think the subscription fee is $8/month or something. I think it’s worth it.

      I also have an offers scheme from my employers, where I can buy discounted goods, so check to see if your employers offer anything like that. I have a reloadable gift card for my local supermarket e.g. which I load up with money at the beginning of the month ance het a 4% discount on. It doesn’t sound like much but if I’m spending £300/ month on groceries, toiletries and pet goods, the discount soon adds up.

      I also use a shopping site called topcashback dot co dot UK. Obviously this isn’t suitable for you, it sounds like you’re in the US, but just Google to see if there’s anything comparable. You search for your online store through the website and they say if there’s any offers on. If you go through their link, you get cashback in your account.
      I’ve saved hundreds of pounds doing this.

      Have fun!

      1. German Girl*

        The thing about reward schemes is that they’re not really free – you’re paying for them with your data. https://xkcd.com/2006/
        Of course that might be a deal you’re willing to make, but you should be aware of it.

    2. Lemonish*

      It sounds like you’re doing great, and my advice might honestly be too basic for you. But…A friend told me about this “trick” for saving money that’s quite interesting. It’s easiest to start at the beginning of the year. Each week, you save the same number of dollars as the week of the year. So the first week, you save 1. The next week, 2, etc. By the end of the year, if you’re able to make the deposit each week, you have over 1300 dollars. Of course, some weeks are not great and I’ve arranged things in the past so that I double the amount each week until the middle of the year, then “un-double” the amount to avoid having to come up with over 200 at Christmas time.

      It’s an easy way to get into a saving habit, and you have a nice pot of cash for emergencies or whatever. (I suppose you could also do this as an online account and transfer money into it each week, but I like having a stash of cash just in case.) It’s also a good way to put away money that’s leftover after budgeting, which might have gotten spent otherwise.

    3. German Girl*

      Personally I like to read the hot network questions on money Stackexchange (link in reply). It’s pretty US centric but some good general advice here and there and just interesting to see how others find different solutions to various money related goals.

    4. YetAnotherUsername*

      Personally I would focus on clearing the student loan and buying a house or apartment before contributing to a pension.

      1. Lionheart*

        Hm interested in hearing why you think that. İ have a term deposit set to mature in five years (I’ll be 42). İ originally set it up to be used as a pension fund, but as the date gets closer I’m wondering if I’d be better off paying off my mortgage and then starting the pension fund again. İt’s a little daunting having no pension savings in my 40s, but then again I’ll own a house and still have two decades to save some more….

        1. YetAnotherUsername*

          Tbh I wouldn’t give you the same advice! 42 is definitely on the “have a pension sorted” side, but OP is a self described “young person” so presumably has a bit of time before having to worry about pensions.

          Imo pensions are less important for younger people because:
          1 pensions are uncertain. I know a lot of people who lost a lot or even all of their pension in the crash. There could be 2 more recessions between now and retirement depending on how young you are, so I wouldn’t put my faith in financial institutions over such a long time
          2 assuming there is interest on the loan, I would always focus on paying off the loan quickly to reduce the overall interest burden. If you pay 5% interest per year, then every $100 you pay off early will save you $5 every year for the original duration of the loan. If the original loan duration was 20 years, that means for every 100 you put in you are saving 100.
          3 younger people are less likely to be earning high enough salaries to benefit as much from the tax break associated with pension contributions. Where I live the higher rate of tax is almost 50%. Anything I put into my pension is tax free (I will be taxed when I draw it down). So for every €100 I put into a pension I am only losing €50 from my spending money. So pension contributions make good sense for me at my stage in life (almost 40 and earning a high salary). However in my early – late twenties I was earning much much less as a result was paying a much lower rate of tax. For every €100 I put in my pension I was losing 80-90 from my spending money.
          4 rent. This is the big one. Buying a property is not an “investment” in the sense that it makes you money, but it is an “investment” in the sense that is saves you rent. Rent prices go up. Mortgage payments typically do not go up as much as rent. I bought my house ten years ago and my mortgage payment on a 4 bed semi-D is €1000 a month, down from €1,300 ten years ago. As your loan to value ratio reduces you can negotiate lower interest rates. In contrast a friend of mine is paying €1,500 a month rent for a 1 bed apartment around the corner. Rent prices rise massively. Buying a property is the single biggest thing you can do to massively reduce your housing cost over your lifetime. When you have a mortgage inflation is your friend, not your enemy. My parents built a house for £9000 in 1979 and their mortgage payments were £70 a month which was a huge amount for them at the time. By the time they paid off their mortgage in 2004, £70 a month was a laughable amount to spend on housing. Before owning a property, I would absolutely prioritize getting a deposit together and buying a house over contributing to a pension. My plan is to retire when my mortgage is paid off, so that in itself means I do not need to include any housing payment in my retirement fund. Which massively reduces the size of pension I need.
          5 pensions are not the fabulous money-growers they claim to be. My own pension funds have increased a little over the 20 years since I started, but not hugely. It’s like I put in 2400 and now it’s worth 3400 kind of thing. It’s barely above inflation. Pensions tend to keep track with inflation and do tend to outperform inflation, but they dont outperform inflation by massive amounts. The 200 a month I put in in 2003 may have grown to 300 now, but I can probably only buy about the same amount for it as I could have then.

          My personal financial story: when I was in my early 20s I read a bit of the financial literature and started putting 200 a month into a pension for about a year. That 200 a month really reduced my living standards at the time and had little to no tax relief. And even now almost 20 years later it has not gone up significantly. I look at that pension fund every year when I do my financial planning and I shake my head. Compared to the money I put away when I was older and earning more, it is tiny and was a total waste of money I could have spent much better at the time. I wised up after that and started saving in accessible accounts. I still Contributed a relatively small amount to my pension over the years (5% or so, which was the minimum requirement in most of my jobs), but I focused on savings first. I saved first for a house, then to fund long maternity leaves. Only after I had those things sorted did I start maxing out my tax free pension contributions.
          I now have no debts and have my mortgage on a favorable interest rate after reducing it. My aim is always to have 6 months of expenses in an accessible fund and then to put the max amount of money into pension as I can tax free. But when I was young, my aim was to pay off debt, get onto the property ladder (I rented a tiny room in a shared house and saved half my salary till I had a deposit then bought my 4 bed house in the crash), and save for maternity leave (I took 2.5 years off when my babies were young and paid for this with savings).

          Now I’m turning 40 and it’s pension time!

          1. Lifesempossible*

            I can agree to some extent! I currently am a student again and have the subsidized loan interest being covered, so if that wasn’t the case, I’d probably feel the same. I don’t go overboard on my retirement (I do 6% with an employer 4% match, but that is also designed to reduce my taxable income because I’ll have a 1099 with taxes, so I’m offsetting that). But once school is over, I’m focusing on those dumb loans!

          2. fposte*

            Though you’re talking about non-U.S. finances–money stuff is hugely country specific, and what you’re saying doesn’t work the same way in the U.S. A 401k isn’t a pension in the U.S., and it’s protected by federal law so you can’t lose everything you put into it. (You can panic-sell and lose the value of what you put in based on your own actions, but that’s something different.)

            Student loans are variable creatures, and whether you should prioritize paying them back over saving in a 401k depends on your loan amount, interest rate, salary, COL, etc. But you don’t get the space and time value of a 401k back later, so if your loans are the usual U.S. long term and at a reasonably low rate, you’ll be better off putting some money toward a 401k than paying back your loan ahead of schedule (assuming you’re not impoverishing yourself to do so).

            1. YetAnotherUsername*

              That’s true that I don’t really know much about the rules of student loans or us-specific pension laws. Perhaps us pensions do massively outperform inflation. If so pension funds are a much better investment. I think the advice i gave on buying versus renting is probably relevant in both EU and US though. However as mentioned below it’s a good idea to wait to buy your forever home. Don’t just buy willy-nilly. I didn’t buy my house until I was ready to settle down long term. But having your deposit ready at least gives you the option.

              1. fposte*

                I definitely agree with you on renting vs. buying, especially since the tax advantages of a mortgage in the U.S. were recently diminished considerably.

                In the U.S. a pension is a defined *benefit*–your employer pulls money from your paycheck and you get a specific, calculatable amount of money after you retire, usually annuitized with the possibility of a lump sum. A 401k/403b is defined *contribution*–you’re investing $x in whatever you choose from what your employer offers, but what you get out of it will depend on the costs of the plan, how the stock market performs, and what you chose to invest in. My co-worker and I could put in the same amount of money but I could end up with three times what she does.

                Retirement in the U.S. used to be spoken about as a three-legged stool, the legs being Social Security (which is the closest thing the U.S. has to the UK government pension), private employer pensions (which used to be much more common, especially in industry), and private savings. These days private employer pensions are pretty rare, so most people are retiring on Social Security and private savings. Some of the best private savings involve the tax-advantaged plans available through one’s employer, but even though it may follow the same contribution procedure as a private pension, it’s a very different thing.

                1. YetAnotherUsername*

                  Over here we just refer to Ll of the options under the term “pension”. Defined benefit schemes are pretty much all closed now. Most people have defined contribution pensions. I am not planning on relying on the government (social security) pension at all and my plan is to have enough to live till I’m 96 when I retire at 66. In my country at my age I can put up to 20% of my money into my pension tax free and my employer is putting 8%. I actually have 3 different savings pots from different stages in my life / different employments but I call them all “my pension”.

              2. Dan*

                TBH, it’s probably not a good idea to use the word “pension” when talking to people in the US about general personal finance and retirement. As we understand them, pensions are a “defined benefit”, which outside of Social Security (a federal government program) really aren’t a thing anymore. So when you say, “perhaps US pensions do massively outperform inflation”, well, there’s almost no way to answer that because it’s just not a thing for most of us to even compare to. That said, there are such things a “annuities” that one can buy privately, which function the same as a pension — you pay in during your working years for a fixed payout during your retirement. These generally aren’t a core part of a young person’s retirement plan, and are typically considered to be expensive, so aren’t terribly common.

                On the renting vs buying thing… it really all depends on the market where one lives. I live in an HCOL area, where “condominiums” (“flats” that can be purchased) are the typical starter property for ownership. Here, property taxes, condo fees, and maintenance costs are all recurring expenses above and beyond the real property costs that one has to budget for and do not contribute to the wealth building/rent savings aspect of ownership. Typically, real estate taxes are 1% (or so) of the assessed value of the property, and I’ve seen condo fees over $500 (USD) per month. On a $400,000 condo, That’s $850/mo in fees alone, before we’ve gotten to appliance repair and other expenses.

                Right now, my monthly rent on my “flat” (apartment) is $1500/mo. The mortgage estimate for a $400k condo is $1900/mo. So my housing expenses would be the $1900/mo mortgage + as much as $850/mo in condo fees and property taxes, for a total of $2750/mo. Let’s just say I’m in no hurry to buy that condo.

                1. YetAnotherUsername*

                  Wow that’s crazy. Yes where I live it’s definitely cheaper in the medium term to buy than rent, but it sounds like it’s the exact opposite where you live. I would not be buying in that scenario either!

                  That’s really interesting that US meaning for “pension” is so specific to a defined benefit scheme. We use “pension” to refer to all sorts of retirement savings and social welfare payments.

      2. Overeducated*

        Maybe I’m trying to rationalize my own poor decisions (resigned renter here), but I think buying property over contributing to retirement is only worth the risk if you plan to live there a long time. If a move is in your future in the next few years, depending on where you live and appreciation, you may not pay off transaction costs.

        1. WellRed*

          Agreed! You don’t want to be saddled with a house until you are sure. I’d only contribute enough to get my employer match for right now and put that extra toward student loans or cash emergencies.

        2. Lifesempossible*

          Yes, that is the downside of home buying. My fiancé and I have his kids in this area, so we are definitely here for another 10 years. Plus the price range I set as the maximum would allow us to start turning equity within 5-ish years.

        3. Dan*

          I was having this conversation with my dad a couple of weeks ago. Sure, everybody bemoans rent increases. My parents live in an area where condo ownership isn’t really a thing, but for me is most likely to be my entry level housing ownership.

          With apartment rentals, my only costs are my rent, and my only financial uncertainty is the rental increases over time. With condo ownership, my costs are the mortgage, PMI if I don’t put enough down, maintenance expenses, condo fees, and property taxes. When you own, you have uncertainty in your maintenance costs, condo fee increases, and property tax increases.

          I continue to rent and live my life the way I do because for me, home ownership isn’t going to improve my financial situation all that much.

        4. Dancing Otter*

          For me, the difference between renting and owning is largely the maintenance.
          1) I don’t get the benefit of deducting my property taxes, because the landlord pays them and includes them in my rent. Well, you have to have a lot of deductible expenses to get any benefit from property taxes and mortgage interest under the new tax laws (boo, hiss), so that’s no big deal for me.
          2) I’m not building equity, but after seeing the real estate crash wipe out my neighbors’ equity, I’d rather invest elsewhere, thank you.
          3) I never have to mow a lawn, or clean out the gutters, or shovel snow, or call a plumber or electrician, or buy new appliances again. And if I don’t like the way the landlord is maintaining the property, I can just not renew my lease without the ordeal of trying to sell (and pay all the costs of inspections and commissions and transfer taxes). Same if I decide I want to move to another city entirely, of course.

          I say this as someone who has owned a co-op (great deal, but the neighborhood was deteriorating), has owned a house (moved for work), and currently rents a suburban apartment. I miss having my own parking spot, I admit, but maybe the next apartment complex will have that.

      3. Anona*

        Oh I completely disagree. The power of compounding interest means that if you start saving money in your twenties (for retirement), you’re so much better off than if you start later. There are charts and articles that show how it takes much much larger contributions in your thirties and older to catch up.

        3. Life is Good*

          Yep. I didn’t start seriously saving for retirement until my forties. Now, I’m having to max out my contributions just to catch up. Spend a little now or a lot later…..taking advantage of compounding now makes a lot more sense.

        4. Dan*

          Yup.

          On the flip side to compound growth, the thing that gets left out of every piece of personal finance math calculations that I’ve ever seen are “Time Value of Money” (TVM) calculations. You know how when things are compared over time, they get adjusted for inflation? Personal Finance people need to do that on a forward looking basis and they never do. Take my student loan debt that has a 20 year repayment plan at 4.5% APR. Everybody and their brother (including my lender) is happy to tell me what my total costs are going to be over time. What everybody leaves out is that my $500/mo payment in 2039 has a meaningfully different value than it does today. Sure, the interest component of the payment is front loaded, but the point is valid.

        5. Christina*

          YES. My mom told me, when I got my first job out of college, to max out my 401k/403b benefits at every job, at least to get whatever match the company offered.

          I’m now mid30s and have almost $100,000. I have credit card debt I’m trying to pay down now (3 years of being under-paid and 6 months of unemployment got me off my game), but I still know I have that money tucked away that was growing the entire time. I just got a new job that has a match, and while I would like to use that extra money from my paycheck to pay off debt, I also don’t even want to know it exists in my bank account – I want it to go right to my 401k so I can get back into building that savings again.

        6. The pest, Ramona*

          I believe in saving for retirement earlier rather than later. In my 20’s and 30’s any raise I received went into retirement rather than my pocket, despite my low income. Compounding interest works best over the long term. And it’s a lot easier continuing to have very little than it is to downsize expectations if there’s a change for the worse in circumstance.
          I also never carried credit card debt and paid off loans as soon as I could. With each paycheck, after paying bills (the immediately due bills and ahead on anything coming up) I only kept enough cash to buy groceries. Any money left over went into the house buying fund.
          It was a frugal life, but we didn’t go hungry or lack shelter. And we not only saved for retirement but also bought a home.

      4. Thankful for AAM*

        Tje compounding interest plus employer match (if there is one) means contributing to a 401k more important than paying down the student debt.

        1. Door Guy*

          My employer matches 4% if I put in 5%+, and it’s vested immediately so none of that “we give you this much money but you only ACTUALLY get so much depending on how long you work for us”. Thankfully, I was at my last job long enough to be “fully vested”, although their match was variable, but the best it ever got was .5% up to 3%.

          1. Dan*

            I’m oversimplifying my employer match a tad, but more or less they match 100% of my contributions up to 10% of my income. There’s a one year waiting period for the match, but after that, everybody is 100% vested.

            That match is pretty high, and as a result, I’ve had to adjust how I’ve paid down other debt to account for that. I mean, I’ve had to cough up $400/mo out of pocket to get the match that I otherwise would have used for debt payment.

            2. A few things are nice*

              I got an 8% match for my first five years (vested immediately), then after 5 years I don’t have to put in *anything* and the company still puts in 8% of my salary. I mean, I still contribute too, but I love the “match”. Nice knowing I’m investing with a minimum of effort.

            3. Christina*

              That’s awesome! My last job did a 5% match, but also did a “free” 5% for everyone. It was awesome, and I definitely maxed that out.

        2. Meepmeep*

          This is assuming that you will never have a catastrophic event happen to you. If you lose your job, that $600/month in student loan payments is going to weigh very hard on you. And student loans are not dischargeable in bankruptcy.

          1. Dan*

            Federal student loans have an astronomical amount of forbearance and deferment options available in the case of “catastrophic” events such as a job loss. I once looked at it, and I think I figured that one could go three years before having to worry about an actual default. On top of that, there’s interest only and income based repayment plans that can be utilized before default would become a thing.

      5. Jules the 3rd*

        Nah, compounding interest really works for you over 40 years. Also, US student loan interest *should* be 4 – 7% (if it’s more than 6%, look into refinancing! I just did this with SoFi, they seem ok). US stock market, over the last 100 years, including both the Depression and the Great Recession, has returns avg 8%. You have to hold through the recessions (like the one coming up in the next 12 – 18mo) and hold for the long term, but you’ll end up with more money at age 60 if you split it between student loans and 401K / IRA than if you pay down the loans first then start on the 401K / IRA.

        Do just put it in a whole market index fund with low fees (0.25% or less; some are 0.10%).

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          Housing – it really depends on how long you’re going to stay and what your local market looks like. In my market (regular growth of 1 – 3%, new 3BR about 300K, 2br rent avg 1K/mo): 3 years or less: rent . 3 – 6 years: condo or townhouse. Over 6 years: single fam house.

      6. Clisby*

        If I got an employer match on some of it (as is common with 401ks in the US) I’d do my best to put in enough to get the max employer contribution. For example, the employer might match contributions up to 3% of an employee’s pay. So if your salary was $30,000, and you put 3% in the pension, you’d contribute $900 and your employer would contribute $900. After that, no match. It’s like earning 100% interest on that $900.

    5. Angwyshaunce*

      Sounds like you’re already on the right path! I’m not sure how applicable it might be for you, but if you’re paid biweekly, here’s a budget trick you could utilize.

      My budget schedule is twice a month, which roughly corresponds to biweekly pay. Second pay check covers the mortgage, while the first covers everything else.

      However, since I’m paid biweekly, there are actually two months out of the year where I get a third pay check. This is a “free” pay check that I can use for anything!

      This was part of the way I was able to pay off my debt, put some emergency money away, and buy some expensive fun things.

    6. Anona*

      It sounds like you’re doing great! 1 word of advice I have is to be aware of the price of daycare. I had no idea before I had kids. We don’t live in an especially expensive area, but pay $1100/month for a daycare center. Home daycare would be cheaper ($850), and a nanny would be much more expensive. Daycare waiting lists can also be crazy (we got on the list when I was 12 weeks pregnant or so, and got a spot a few months after she was born).

    7. Anona*

      One more thing- it’s been hugely helpful to automate savings/retirement contributions. Those things are automatically deducted from my pay or bank account right when I get paid, so there’s no question about whether or not I’ll save.

    8. Thankful for AAM*

      I think you are already doing most of it but the book the Index Card is great.

      Get it from your public library. And use the library for free music, videos, books, and ebooks (free online versions of all that too). And you can probably get free access to LinkedIn Learning from your library too. Maybe add to your job skills and get a raise from it.

      1. Ranon*

        Second the Index Card, it covers things better than any other personal finance book I’ve seen (for starters acknowledging that the social safety net is a huge component of financial well being as you simply can’t self insure against all possible bad outcomes without a tremendous amount of money)

    9. YetAnotherUsername*

      You might like the book “all the money in the world”. Its a finance book but it’s not about getting out of debt. It’s for people who already have enough to get by and it’s about how to spend your money to improve your life.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      One of the best things I did was lose a grip on the idea that I cannot prune the budget any lower. Once I let go of that idea one idea came to me and then ten more ideas came to me. I did a personal finance course that opened this door. They said, “Accept ANY savings, no matter how small and from anywhere.” hmmm. What they were talking about is forming a life habit. The ball started rolling for me when a friend gave me a tip to save money on the salt for my water softener. Sure the savings was maybe $75 per year, small potatoes really, but it’s more about the willingness to take advantage of the savings.

      I used to worry about paying too much. And what that gave me was MORE worry. I shifted to, “How can I find savings here when I make this necessary purchase?” And savings became a game for me, I challenged myself to always be open to reducing routine expenses. My water softener salt expense when from over $100 per year down to less than $10. (I now buy the broken bags. lol.)

      At first I went through my normal bills one by one. How can I reduce this bill? My light bill reduction went great, I reduced it by 50%. I put in timers, bought efficient bulbs that I found on clearance tables and I became more diligent about shutting my computer off when I was not using it. My fridge broke and I accidentally reduced my electric bill by $15/mo with the new energy saving fridge. Sometimes these bonuses come up. Sometimes I came up empty, I had no ideas on how to reduce a particular bill. So I simply moved on to the next bill with the idea that I would rotate back to that particular bill in the not too distant future. I kept going through the bills on a regular basis.

      Then I looked at what I was using around the house. I decided to stop buying all hair care products. This is radical and not for everyone. Oddly, I have more good hair days now than I used to and I am spending a heck of a lot less. But I also did things like turn containers of ketchup, cooking oil, etc upside down to get just one more use out of them. At one point, I estimated this cut my grocery bill by $5 a week- because I did this with everything. Funny thing, my garbage bill went down a little bit because it was taking me longer to toss things.

      I shifted to natural cleaners for health reasons but I insisted that the cleaners should not cost an arm and a leg. So I looked for low cost, natural ways of cleaning things. Now I have gotten into those “magnetic cleaning clothes” where you use no cleaners at all.

      Currently, I do a lot of tag sales and clearance tables. I keep a running list in my wallet of what I need to replace, such as “new lid for 3 quart Corning Ware container”. I mentioned a while ago that I found a brand new stapler for a buck or two and tossed my old cruddy one. It’s amazing how much we can do at next to no cost. But it’s a life habit that I stop at tag sales and clearance tables as often as possible. Sometimes I find really good brand new stuff that is fine to give as a gift for holidays or birthdays.

      I think that once I shifted to the mindset of “cutting expenses is a life habit” as opposed to just worrying about money, everything opened up for me.

      It’s funny/odd, too. My financial situation fell apart with my husband’s final illness and his over top medical bills. I did pay everything off. Now, my financial adviser who sees the particulars of my setting, commented the other day, “You have lasted this long on what you have. You will probably just continue on.” Yeah, I think so. You have a great start with asking this question here. I hope I can encourage you to keep shamelessly stealing other people’s good ideas about how to save costs and just keep looking all the time. The savings that I described here took me years to find, I just decided to never stop looking.

    11. Jules the 3rd*

      You really are doing great. A couple of tuning tips:
      1) Once the HSA is up to about 10K, you can cut down to just your annual HC costs (or to whatever your company matches) until you’re about 50. It’s an ok savings tool, but the limits to usage mean the 401K is where you want the bulk of your money. Add an extra 5K per kid (about the cost of orthodontia).
      2) I don’t see life insurance on your list. Get it before you start having kids. Get Term (whole is a horrible savings vehicle), make it cover at least until the youngest child is 18 (25 – 30 years, sounds like). Mr. Jules and I did 3x our salaries until we had the kid, now we’re at about 9x, which seems more than we need but would certainly keep either of us afloat until death.
      3) You don’t mention a safety fund – 6 to 12 mo living expenses in short term savings. That is worth putting the 401K on hold for.

      On tips for saving more: Money = Time.

      Go further down this path if and only if you enjoy the actual things that save money. For example, cooking at home can save tons – Leanne Brown’s “Good and Cheap” is a great starting place. Mr. Jules and I used to have a lot of fun cooking together, until we ran out of time due to kid and dog.

      Look at what you do enjoy and think about how to do it for less. Mr. Jules and I like movies (and watching someone play Zelda or Final Fantasy like it’s a movie), so we have a projector that can run DVDs, stream on-line videos, or stream someone’s game, and Netflix; we’ll swap DVDs with friends / the library. Way less expensive than $10/person theater tickets, though we do still go once or twice a year as a special family event.

      The other aspect of this is Money = Privacy.

      You are selling your privacy with rewards cards. I happily use a grocery one, but not any others. My husband uses a grocery one with completely inaccurate demographic data as his compromise.

      Do check work or similar discount offers, but don’t expect much. Compare them to what you see on the web. I found my employer had a deal on Universal Studio tickets that the web couldn’t match, but their deal on hotel for it was higher than Hotels.com. We refinanced with SoFi bcs they had a .25% interest cut rate for my employer, but the credit card and car rental rates are much lower through the actual company sites. Real mixed bag…

      1. Door Guy*

        With the Life Insurance – do it when you are younger and healthy! My parents never got life insurance (they are thankfully both still with me) but my dad had a heart attack at age 35, has an artificial shoulder, has beaten leukemia, and has been medically retired for the past few years (he just turned 58 this month). Life insurance won’t touch him.

        My mom had skin cancer that was thankfully small and fully removed and she had to wait over a decade of cancer free before she could get it. She JUST did this year.

        My wife and I got our plans when we were just turning 30, and they are enough to pay off our current debt and still have a bit left over.

        1. The pest, Ramona*

          I can’t agree more about getting life insurance if one has dependents. We started whole life plans when were in our 20’s and healthy. I’m so glad we did it then. I had skin cancer at 30, he had much more serious cancer at 40, life insurance would have been difficult or impossible after health issues.

    12. Ranon*

      One of the truths that doesn’t come up often is that once you get everything on the right path, there’s not a whole lot of life changing advice besides “keep doing what you’re doing.” The rest is down to compounding interest, multiplication, and time. Making more money is probably the next big life changer for you to seek out. The Simple Dollar is a good blog for this point, where you mostly have everything lined up, you’re at the boring part, and you need reminders about why you’re doing that part.

      As for kids- they don’t need much to start, and they really don’t need much that’s brand new (car seat and crib mattress basically), so buying used can be a money saver. It’s still another person living in your house, though, the budget impact is real (especially with childcare)

    13. Clisby*

      This might not appeal to you, but would you and your fiance be open to finding a congenial roommate to share housing costs? I knew a young couple who did this when they were first married (still in college) and on up until after they had a child 5 or 6 years later. The roommate was someone they’d both been friends with since high school, and it seemed to work out really well for them – it enabled them to buy a townhouse a year or so before the baby came along, and I’m sure the roommate’s rent payments made that a lot more feasible.

      1. YetAnotherUsername*

        This is a great idea. In fact I had a conversation with my hubby about whether we should look for a lodger again now that the kids are sleeping through the night. Rent in our area is through the roof at the moment and it seems silly to turn down free money. But we decided to wait till the kids are a little older and think again.

      2. Door Guy*

        We did this – we had a few good friends that we were both friends with, and one night as we were leaving their place, jokingly mentioned something about just all getting a house together since our stuff was always at the others place. He immediately piped up that he had thought about that too and hadn’t figured out a way to bring it up. We ended up staying for another 2 hours discussing it and within a few months there were 5 of us moving into a nice 4 bedroom 2 bath house in a good neighborhood. There was enough space so we weren’t all in each others way, and thankfully sound didn’t travel well either.

        Not saying it was perfect, but all the bills split 5 ways really helped us a ton to straighten our our finances. We went from barely making ends meet to buying our own home in under 3 years.

    14. Life is Good*

      You seem to be doing it right, in my opinion. We’ve always lived frugally and have only had debt for big stuff like homes and cars. We had student loans to payoff from our college days in the 70’s – certainly not the amounts young people have today, but we paid them off as fast as we could. Keep contributing what you can to pretax retirement plans. Great that you started so young! The HSA, is a great retirement investment….if you are lucky enough to not have to use it for medical expenses before you retire. Even if you do have to use it, at least it was tax free. Another bit of advice, if someone hasn’t already mentioned it here is to always strive to have the best credit score. It affects your ability to get a job, the best interest rates, insurance rates, etc. And, lastly, be sure to give each of yourselves an allowance every month. Even if it’s only $50/month, it’s nice to have that in your pocket to spend on yourself.

    15. Dan*

      My best advice?

      I find “personal fiance” to be just that — personal. I have trouble with mainstream/mass-market personal finance advice that is predicated on “rules of thumb” because it’s just too generic. My advice:

      1. Practice what I call “conscious spending.” Know how and why you are spending your money and what’s important to you. It’s ok if you spend a bunch of money on X when there are cheaper alternatives, if X gives you pleasure. For example, if you like going to eat, and you can afford it, it doesn’t matter that much that you can eat at home for cheaper. But the trick is cutting back on things that aren’t all that important to you. Where I cut back is on transportation. I have a relatively short commute, and owning a late-model fancy car isn’t all that important to me. I buy reliable, low mileage used cars and drive them forever. (I put 8,000 miles/year on my cars, so they last a long time. I’m forty and have only owned two cars in my life.)

      2. This is the big one, and I’m going to shout: DO THE MATH. This is vitally important when trying to balance multiple long-term, big dollar considerations, such as paying down loans/debt, saving for retirement, building liquid cash savings, and saving up for a house down payment. As a real example: I was increasing my 401k contributions while carrying $20,000 in credit card debt. Why? Because it was financially the better option for me after running the numbers. My employer’s 401k match is 25% of my contribution… up to 10% of my gross income. While I was carrying $20k on my credit cards (and paying them down, don’t get me wrong) I was getting 0% APR for 18 months with a 4% balance transfer fee. So that $20k cost me $45/mo to carry. With my match, I was getting $200/mo before even worrying about the opportunity cost of compound growth. So it sure made sense to maximize the match *even while carrying credit card debt.*

      3. Don’t be afraid to live a little (within reason), and live *your* life. You’re only young once, and you have no idea what old is going to bring. While carrying $20k in credit card debt and trying to save for retirement and house, I also manage to travel abroad for ~3 weeks or so every year. While international vacations have the connotation of being expensive, I found ways to defray costs with frequent miles that I got by signing up for credit cards. Many times my overseas flights and hotel rooms were covered, and my only out of pocket expenses were food and activity costs. Take into account that I’d incur the food costs at home anyway, and all of a suddent he costs don’t seem out of hand. Sure, I’m still out $2k or so for the three weeks that I was gone, and I could have paid my credit card debt off sooner — but my credit card debt costs would have been 4% of $2k, or $80. That $80 I spent generated far more value to me than it would have had I put that $2k toward paying do the CC debt sooner.

      Point being, do the math and live your life. Skip the rules of thumb business.

    16. Dr. Anonymous*

      Trent at The Simple Dollar has a LOT of information on finding more ways to live within your means and ideas for little side hustles to add a little to your income. He spends a lot of time explaining his reasoning and approach so you can adapt his ideas to your own life.

    17. Kuododi*

      My retired banker parent would absolutely love you!!!! Seriously, you and your fiance both sound as though y’all have your head on straight and have excellent goals for the future. A couple of thoughts…I won’t say never use credit cards however save them for a true emergency. (By that I mean something like your one and only car is gasping it’s last breath, must be repaired and it’s the only transportation between you and your partner. An emergency is “not” the newest style of blue jeans or the latest piece of technology). It’s way too easy to rely on credit cards for non essentials and/or daily expenses. Always be mindful of the hidden costs for credit cards.

      ;)

      The old saying that if a deal sounds too good to be true then it probably is, well… there is a great deal of wisdom to be found in there regarding money management. (It also is very helpful when trying to avoid scams and con artists.). I wish all the best to you and your partner as you build your lives together.

    18. Meepmeep*

      Get out of the student loan debt before you invest or save. If anything should happen to your job or your health, you don’t want that millstone around your neck.

      1. Dan*

        Let’s talk about that for a second. Do you mean skip investing through a 401k? Few people would agree with you on that. Do you mean skip building an emergency fund, which most people would consider to be three months worth of expenses, which is perhaps $10k depending on where one lives? Few people would agree that not building an emergency fund ASAP is a good idea.

        Why? Let’s look at my student loan debt, which was $100k when I graduated. If I wanted to pay that down aggressively, an $1100 monthly payment would take 10 years to pay off. Straight out of school, that’s about the best I would manage. If I did not invest through my 401k or build an emergency savings fund, any disruption to my income in that 10 year period would be devastating, and I’d be very behind in my retirement savings. So the thing that I was trying to avoid would bite me in the arse anyway.

        Now, if I extend my student loan payments out to 15 years, I’d free up about $300/mo. If I saved that, at the end of 1 year, I’d have $3600 in the bank. Because my student loan payments are lower, that *six* monthly loan payments saved up in case of emergency. If I saved that much the following year, now I’ve got a small buffer for other things that could happen.

        In addition, most 401k plans come with an employer match. It’s usually considered a bad idea to not maximize the employer match. Between long term compound growth and the employer match, skipping that to pay off student loan debt faster is usually considered very dumb.

    19. MOAS*

      I am so glad to hear that As a young person you’re taking these steps.

      Im 34, working FT for <5 years and kind of totally fully ashamed it’s taking me so long to get my sh*t together financially. Not because that there wasn’t any education, there certainly was, but just me. All me.

    20. Christy*

      Okay, I assume that ten years of reading about personal finance has taught you not to listen to those who say to delay investing in your 401(k). Compound interest is everything! But if you’re savvy enough to have an HSA-as-savings-vehicle then I suspect you know that.

      Honestly, my biggest advice is to try to earn more. I have no idea what your incomes are but one annual raise negotiation can bring in way more than you can save by scrimping. Example: let’s say you make $60k/year. If your boss is proposing a 3% raise and you negotiate up to a 5% raise, that’s an extra $1200/year. If you’re already frugal, it might be hard to cut back in ways that get you that extra $100/month through scrimping.

      In terms of a home, if at all possible buy less home than you can afford. My wife and I live in a condo with a mortgage that’s 11% of our current gross pay. That gives us a lot of flexibility with other stuff. We could have chosen a house that cost substantially more, but wanted this neighborhood (and couldn’t afford houses in this neighborhood). This is the decision with the second-biggest financial impact (after your job).

      Wedding: you can spend a ton or not much at all. Easiest way to spend less is to have fewer people. We had a $8000 wedding with 22 people and could have done cheaper if we chose. It was a good balance for us. If you want more people, it’ll likely cost more. Biggest advice though? Don’t save money by sacrificing guest comfort. Specific examples: don’t just serve cake and punch if you’re having a full reception, because people will get hungry! Invite people’s known romantic partners. (You can only skip a +1 if you don’t know who someone would bring. If they have a known boyfriend or girlfriend, that person has to be invited.)

    21. Sally Forth*

      This is my best tip. Friends said this is the best financial advice they were ever given. When you get your first home mortgage you will likely go for the longest amortization and you will be stretched to the limit. By the time you get your second home, you might have kids. Renegotiate so your amortization matches when your children are in University or if you can’t manage that, your target retirement date. This way, as you hit your 50s or 60s, one of your biggest expenses will be dropped and you will have choices!
      It’s just a bit extra going to your mortgage a month but can take years off the length.

    22. Lifesempossible*

      I want to thank everyone who responded!!
      Sometimes I think asking the group is rooted in a desire of affirmation that I’m doing something right. I got that AND some advice. I do need to take Christy’s advice to heart and figure out how to ask for a raise. I think that’s holding me back. I am looking to graduate next summer with an accounting degree and then start my career thereafter, but I do think I could be earning more right now. And for the suggestion about life insurance–you’re right. I also appreciate seeing the numbers people pulled for their daycare experience. It’s eye-opening to realize that if I had a child right now, my spending money would be about $42/week, so I know that I have to finish school and get into my career.

  4. Lena Clare*

    I draw very occasionally – mainly it’s time constraints that prevent me – but I sketch with pencil on paper, any paper, when I can.

    I’ve always wanted to emulate the flower girls by Malaysian artist Lim Zhi Wei who sketches mostly women and uses real flowers for their dresses, and think I should start doing that as a hobby.

    E.g: https://images.app.goo.gl/4sQaeYbYDaaR3wZ99

  5. I can’t garden in the winter*

    What do you do to ground yourself in the winter?

    Backstory: as part of my weekly therapy and trauma recovery program I’ve been doing what I call “garden therapy” which is gardening 2-3x per week at a friend’s house.

    Weeding, trimming bushes, digging up a dead tree, etc. has been SO cathartic and helps me stop disassociating and be “grounded”. This is a new thing for me starting this summer and I’m amazed at how healing it’s been!

    Now it’s getting cold and gardening season is over. I live in the Rocky Mountains so we get serious snow here and I’m starting to panic that this effective “garden therapy” option won’t be part of my weekly routine anymore…without anything to replace it?

    I’m open to any & all thoughts, suggestions, ideas?

    1. I can’t garden in the winter*

      Notes for context: I live in an apartment with north facing windows so I don’t have a yard/garden of my own and my house plant options are limited because I don’t get a lot of natural light.

      I want to do something that’s like gardening (outside, earth-connected, in the sun, variety of tasks, lightly physical, not tied to anyone else’s schedule) but I have no idea what?

      I can’t garden in the winter! What do other gardeners do?

      1. Lionheart*

        I’m not a big fan of gardening, but İ love working with the fresh produce my husband brings from our garden. Canning, making jams, brewing apple cider…. For me it’s lots of fun and keeps me busy and grounded. Maybe you can go to your local wholesale produce market and see what’s cheap and have some fun experimenting? The double bonus is you get to give (or sell) your proceeds to friends/family/coworkers, so it has a social element too.

          1. Sally Forth*

            I make sour dough bread in winter. Just three ingredients- flour, water, salt. It is not a lot of work but requires overnight rising and a real rhythm.

      2. Not A Manager*

        What about general grounds-keeping? You could rake leaves, mulch flower beds, shovel snow when needed, cover outdoor furniture, prune hedges. I think some bulbs are planted in autumn. My father used to literally test the ph of his soil and correct it. This is the time to mix in sand, or lime, or whatnot.

        If you feel like turning mechanical, you could overhaul the mower and be sure that the other equipment is ready for spring.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        As soon as LED bulbs came down in price enough to make it feasible, we started overwintering plants in the living room. The white light bulbs (I think it’s the ones labelled 5k) are enough to keep plants happy. This according to my farm-raised engineer husband : “You know it’s true because it was on the marijuana growers Reddit. They’re the most scientific source out there!”
        I have had geraniums bloom in March. Fresh Stevia in our tea all winter. Battles with bugs. Learning the hard way that dwarf bananas can drip water from their leaf tips if they have enough water in their pot. And yes, loosening dirt, pulling weeds, rearranging pots to even out their growth. Installing LED tube lights in the wire shelving units so the plants stop listing to one side. Cleaning up all sorts of dropped leaves. Researching what I did wrong with the ones that didn’t make it.
        It has become something I look forward to aboutique winter. Especially the flowering geraniums. :)

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Don’t write off indoor gardening. My very long post went to moderation… summary is that certain cheap LED bulbs make great grow lights and I play with plants all through a New England winter.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Also, go shovel snow– exercise, outdoors, and it is much appreciated by neighbors as a random act of kindness.

        2. Door Guy*

          My mom does that – she starts her plants inside with grow lights every spring so when it comes time to actually work outside, she’s planting small plants instead of seeds/bulbs.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            I just wrote a long ramble in the garden thread below. I think I have gone a little overboard with the tender plants. I’m having ideas like “we can’t use the LR fireplace until we get the chimney repaired next year so maybe we can put the spiky plants in there.” My husband used to keep a lot of these at work, but his new office with a door has no window.

      5. Seeking Second Childhood*

        More thoughts from my half dreaming, pre-caffeinated mush of a brain… ‘Rockies’ is huge, but if you are close to Denver, their botanic garden actively recruits volunteers.
        I wonder if any senior centers, group homes for troubled youth, etc. have indoor space that could set up indoor winter plants. I’m thinking in my area too, that I may ask my local food pantry if they would be able to add seedling to their donations next spring. Seed packets make for more plants than my rocky yard can support… but I’d enjoy starting my own instead of buying seedlings. You may have started something for me, thanks!

    2. Fikly*

      Can you identify what about the gardening is helping you? Is it engaging your senses, or using your hands?

      I’m wondering if cooking/baking might be useful in a similar way. It can be very tactile and can involve a great deal of focus. And baking bread is super physical when kneading!

    3. Fikly*

      Can you identify what about the gardening is helping you? Is it engaging your senses, or using your hands?

      I’m wondering if cooking/baking might be useful in a similar way. It can be very tactile and can involve a great deal of focus. And baking bread is super physical when kneading!

      1. Overeducated*

        I was going to suggest baking bread too – the avid gardeners and the nerdy dedicated bread bakers I know seem to have a lot of overlap!

    4. Fikly*

      Can you identify what about the gardening is helping you? Is it engaging your senses, or using your hands?

      I’m wondering if cooking/baking might be useful in a similar way. It can be very tactile and can involve a great deal of focus. And baking bread is super physical when kneading!

    5. Jules the First*

      I get my “garden therapy” working with the horses (first other people’s, now my own). Stables are almost always short of hands through the winter to carry hay, fill water buckets, shovel muck, sweep up, and brush mud out of horses – yards are full of kids all summer, but in the winter when it’s cold and school is in session, they often welcome extra hands, even inexperienced ones. Is there something like that near you?

      Or what about dog walking? Is there someone in the neighbourhood who is comfortable walking their pooch in summer but less comfortable in the winter when it’s cold and slippery?

      Or heck, even snow shovelling?

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        I was going to suggest that too – I use riding as my therapy. I find that when I’m in the barn, I have to focus 100% on the horses, and on my body (giving the right cues ecc), so my brain switches off. And grooming the horses is therapeutic too. I always notice how much happier I am right after, and if I don’t get to go for a week I also notice increased anxiety. Maybe you would find it similarly beneficial?
        I also will say that it doesn’t have that pressure (in my view) that people can feel in a gym (the feeling that you’re not fit enough to be there, ecc – not that anybody should feel like that but I do experience it).
        Best of luck!

    6. Morning Reader*

      Snow shoveling? Or snow/ice sculpting? I am a bit stumped with the “outside, in the sun” requirement combined with the “serious snow” situation as they seem mutually exclusive. However I know Rocky Mountain folks tend to enjoying skiing and other snowy activities and they can keep you quite warm once you get going. If there are indoor gardening opportunities like a greenhouse at your local botanical garden, maybe you could get involved in that as a volunteer.

      Meanwhile I will second the indoor gardening with lights suggestion. My BIL is quite the gardener and he grows marijuana (legally) indoors all year round but also uses the lights to start his spring plantings of tomatoes, etc., early so they are ready to be planted outside after the last frost. Also gardeners seem to enjoy planning, paging through seed catalogs, dreaming of spring, in the winter months.

      If you really need sun and warmth outdoors all year round, you may have to relocate or become a snowbird. Good luck to you!

    7. LibbyG*

      Is there a greenhouse you can get into somehow? Even if only once a month? That smell of damp soil and vegetation might evoke the feeling of outdoor gardening and help sustain the healing more vividly. Maybe you can water or plant, or maybe just getting in there can help.

      If bread baking appeals to you, consider getting a sourdough going. It would need hands on attention pretty much every day and that plus its strong yeasty smell might feel grounding.

      Good luck! I’m so happy you found such a powerful practice and I hope your winter goes smoothly!

      1. LibbyG*

        Another idea – start a project of learning all the tree species in your area. Collect leaves and bark samples. It might turn a light hike into something more grounding if you’re primed to really look at and touch things in the environment.

      2. Clisby*

        I was going to suggest a greenhouse as well. The city park in my neighborhood has a greenhouse, and invites volunteers to come in both to work in the greenhouse and to help maintain the outdoor plantings. (Now, this is SC, so outdoor gardening in the winter is a lot more accessible here.)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Handwork. Knitting, crocheting, needlepoint, etc. The idea here is to keep the hands touching something and keep the brain actively engaged with making the hands move about and do something.
      I also start spring cleaning as soon as it gets too cold to go outside. Use a free afternoon to rip a closet apart, sort the things and clear the cobwebs out of the closet. I like to go through my clothes and line up what I want to donate.
      Put more time into self-care. It’s easier with being house bound to cook that nutritious meal or get regular hydration.
      Start your running list of tasks that you “swear you will do at some point”, put it on the fridge and keep adding to it. Then actually do those things.
      Last winter I started sorting for my garage sale that I will have this fall. I have a pretty good pile now and I am a bit tired of the extra steps it takes to walk around it. hahah.

      Grounding happens through touch and movement, it’s a combo of these two things. So think about things that make you touch and make you move around a bit, even if it’s handcrafting that still counts.

    9. GoryDetails*

      I was going to suggest an Aerogarden, a self-contained unit for growing plants hydroponically; I’ve loved mine for years, especially for providing fresh leaf-lettuce during the winter months. They come in different sizes, and provide a nice spot of light and greenery to look at in addition to whatever they produce. But then I noticed that you emphasized the working-on-the-garden part of gardening, and the whole point of the self-contained units is that they take very little maintenance once set up. Still, it might be something to look at.

      As for things to do in winter… shoveling snow is an obvious one, not exactly fun but good outdoor exercise!

      I’m also a fan of geocaching, which can be harder to do in snowy conditions – but many people set out caches that are winter-friendly (hanging from trees or tucked inside guardrails, etc.), and it does help encourage me to get out and about.

    10. Ranon*

      Could you volunteer at an animal shelter and walk dogs? Outside, exercise, living things…

      Worm composting is a bit like bringing living earth inside if you do it indoors (especially if you like worms)

      Maybe also look up Proprioceptive input and see if that sounds like what you’re looking for to some extent.

    11. Kuododi*

      I am one of those who kill silk plants. Needless to say gardening isn’t my jam!!! After my first bout with cancer, I taught myself how to make beaded jewelry. For me, it’s creative and keeps me focused on the positive. (Making something beautiful.) Also, something about the repetitive nature of the activity was something that I found soothing. What I did was simply check out books from the library so I could teach myself the nuts and bolts of putting my designs together. After that..I took off and have had a wonderful time working with this medium. My very best wishes to you. Blessings!

    13. Queer Earthling*

      I enjoy a temporary reprieve from allergies.

      But also I try to make sure I get plenty of sunlight (and supplement with vitamin D pills). I keep a lot of brightly colored things around because here everything just gets brown, and where I used to live everything went gray and white. We also tend to go on weird mini vacations because there are fewer tourists during those months, especially like January/February.

    14. it's just me*

      Bird watching and feeding? There are a number of birds that overwinter in the Rockies. Find out what kind of seeds and feeders they like, learn to identify different species. If your friend with the garden will let you, you can build shelters for hares and squirrels to better survive the winter. There is a book called Naturescaping which may help you.

      Or if you need to do something with your hands, would knitting help? Most of the gardeners I know like to knit.

      You can also spend the einter planning next year’s garden, and start some seeds as early as February indoors. (I’m also in the Rockies.)

    15. Chaordic One*

      I think just getting out and doing some walking is a good idea. I enjoy walking around town and in my town’s parks. Of course, you need to be extra careful in the winter because not everyone shovels their sidewalks and you don’t want to be walking in the street or road where a car might hit you. The suggestion about bird watching was excellent. You might want to consider looking out for other wildlife as well.

      I live in an area near the outdoors so it is easy for me to get to a number of parks with hiking trails. In the winter people snow-shoe and ski (cross-country) on the trail. It’s not a long trail, but the kind of think where you could go for an hour or two.

    17. Theydies & Gentlethems*

      Some fun indoor kits at various price points: http://nymag.com/strategist/article/best-indoor-garden-kits.html
      Or you can DIY it: https://balconygardenweb.com/diy-indoor-window-garden-ideas-urban-gardeners/

      Connect with groups that garden:
      https://www.seedsavers.org/
      https://sites.google.com/site/rockymtngardenclubs/home
      http://nationalgardenclubs.org/clubs/state-garden-clubs.aspx

      Seed/garden books & catalogs to borrow or buy:
      https://www.rareseeds.com/
      https://www.chelseagreen.com/product/the-seed-garden/
      Peppers of the Americas: The Remarkable Capsicums That Forever Changed Flavor
      Epic Tomatoes: How to Select and Grow the Best Varieties of All Time
      The Book of Seeds: A Life-size Guide to Six Hundred Species From Around the World

      1. Bumpjumper*

        Finally a question I can help with!! I live in Minnesota, where it is cold and dark approximately eleventy billion days a year. I’ve tried it all-physical activity, Happy lights, pretending it’s summer, getting out of town, you name it. My number one strategy to get through the winter: JIGSAW PUZZLES! They are calming, can be a solo or social activity, they’ll wait for you when you’re done, can be worked on for long stretches of time or ignored for days. I have a table set up and I listen to audiobooks, podcasts, or episodes of the Office. Sometimes I talk to the puzzles. I buy mine online, and there are a million different fun and beautiful designs. Good luck!

    18. 8DaysAWeek*

      I am the SAME!
      East Coaster here but I hate the cold and the dark. I love to garden and I struggle in the winter.
      Someone posted below about light bulbs that help with indoor plants. I have thought about doing something in my basement even if it is just a couple potted pepper plants.
      I have a pressure cooker and never really did much with it. I recently bought a pressure cooker cookbook and want to sit down with that to try some new recipes. I also need to get better about meal planning.
      Last winter a friend drug me on a hike in the middle of February. I was skeptical but surprised how nice it was in the freezing temperatures. You actually can work up a sweat in the freezing weather :)

      I like to swim and I have a membership to the YMCA so I can still do that in the winter.

  6. Lionheart*

    Ok decision making time. A friend of a friend of a friend needs to re-home two glorious kittens. They are so very cute, and İ have often thought life might be nicer with a kitty or two (İ shared a flat years ago with a cat, so I’m aware of the work involved. Here’s the problem, my husband is not convinced this is a good idea. He is bringing up all sorts of sensible objections, like “cats cost money” (we’re not broke, but savings are nice to have), or “what about when we’re on holidays” (cat-sitters?) or “you can’t even keep a plant alive” (ok 1: not strictly true, and 2: I’m not sure that’s a fair comparison).
    These are valid objections, but not without solutions. İ know that if İ insist, eventually he’ll cave. İ guess I’m wondering if İ should push this one or let him win? Are these good reasons not to get some gorgeous kittens???

    1. V*

      It sounds like you might be smitten with these particular kittens rather than the general idea of getting a kitten. Would it work to say “OK, we won’t get these kittens, but we will properly consider whether we want to get kittens in general and make a decision that’s not tied to an emotional knee jerk response”? I’m sure if you then did collectively decide to get kittens you would soon find some more available needing a new home.

      1. Lionheart*

        I’m definitely smitten with these ones, and feel as though it’s a really good opportunity that I would hate to squander. But you’re quite right that making the decision together would probably be a wiser move. The way it is now, any time we have a problem I’ll get a “told you so”. That’s fun for no one.

        1. valentine*

          I think it’s a definite no because everyone in the household should be onboard with new family members. The cats won’t understand why you’re forcing them to live with someone who doesn’t want them.

          Also: You want kittens, but do you want cats? It sounds like visiting a shelter or cat-sitting might scratch this itch for you without disrupting your husband’s sanctuary and with the bonus of adding to, rather than depleting, your finances.

            1. Angwyshaunce*

              Absolutely agree – but has your husband met the kittens himself? They do have a habit of changing minds themselves.

              1. Jules the 3rd*

                THIS.

                Mr. Jules and I have usually had 1 – 4 cats. We were down to 1 when a friend offered a cat. I’d met him, and he’s a sweetie, so I was, ‘ooOOoo’, but Mr. Jules was ‘we have one’. The next month Mr. Jules went to help the friend move. He called me about halfway through and asked, ‘how do you feel about another cat?’ Sweetie boy had hopped on a couch and snuggled Mr. Jules into submission. We’ve had him about a decade now.

                But it is really important for all people in the family to be on board.

                The objections are reasonable but not insurmountable: 15yo(ish) Sweetie boy is $75/mo with food and medical, but he was about $30/mo for over a decade ($15 for food / litter / toys, the rest on one or two vet visits / year); cats take care of themselves for up to a week with a food timer and 3 litter boxes; indoor cats pretty much keep themselves alive or tell you if you’re late. Show that you’ve thought about it by telling him initial costs (shots / spay / neuter / chip / litter boxes), how you’ll pay for them, and see if he’s willing to meet the kittens.

              2. Door Guy*

                That’s how we got our last cat…Daddy was the meany saying no (and refusing to go into my parents basement where they were, my parents adopted a stray that my bil found scrounging for food at work that was pregnant) until they plopped the one they wanted to take home in my hands…

    2. Not A Manager*

      Ask the friend if you can take them for a “test run” for a week. I’m betting that hubby falls in love with them.

    3. WS*

      Cats do cost money, but generally not a lot of money until it’s vet bill time. Check out the cost of pet insurance where you are and what it covers. Do you know someone (maybe a teenager?) who would come and feed the cats if you’re away? Do either of you have lifestyles not compatible with pets (e.g. lots of travel, extremely irregular hours, antique furniture collecting?)

      Two cats are generally better than one if you’re away during work hours because they entertain each other.

      1. Damien*

        Cats can entertain each other, IF they continue to get along as they age – sometimes something can happen to upset them and make them “forget” each other, or they grow apart and can lose their bond, and then begin to timeshare their home and can get into terrible fights.

        I have two cats who were absolutely inseperable as kittens, but around the age of 2 they became total enemies, either as the result of a joint vet visit or because they saw one of the many local cats outside our house and lashed out at each other from misplaced aggression (I came home one day and found blood sprayed up the windows in my bedroom and the living room, and my cats nursing injuries at opposite ends of the house).
        They are now 7 years old and have never been the same. If one enters a room the other will leave it, and they frequently guard doorways and growl at each other. There’s been times I’ve strongly considered rehoming one of them just to save them from their worst fights.

        My very rambly point is, i know that you said two cats are *generally* better, but i wouldn’t recommend getting multiple cats specifically for the purpose of entertaining each other – you can get interactive toys and plants to keep a single cat happy, without the risk that the toy will snap and turn on the cat.

        1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

          Yes, my single cat is very adamant that she is the Queen of the Household and that all human attention must be lavished unto her and her alone. Sharing is not her thing.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In my house, I am a dog person and my boys are cat people (who also love dogs). I don’t dislike cats, but wouldn’t have one left to my own devices. I am also the landlord and the person who actually owns the house. So my stipulation on cats is as follows: they are not allowed in my bedroom. I do not provide cat care, either practically or financially. Litter boxes must be maintained such that I cannot smell them.

      So it depends on whether you’re willing to take on the labor for the pets you want and whether your husband is adamantly opposed or just kind of “meh” the same way I am.

      My husband has two cats, my brother has one. (And of course one of my husband’s cats thinks she’s one of the dogs and I’m her favorite person, sigh.) Financially – my husband’s girls are going on 4 and the only real outlay for them is food, litter, and a yearly vet checkup with appropriate vaccines. We don’t worry about pet sitters unless all three of us are gone for more than two days, which has so far happened once in four years. (When one of the boys travels, they take care of each other’s cats. I’m still off the hook, because it’s never happened that they both go away and I stay home, though if for some reason that did happen I would probably end up helping out. But I’m the last in-home resource.)

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      Plants can’t tell you when they’re hungry, can’t refuse what you’re offering, and can’t move to a better location. Trust me, cats will let you know when they need or want something. But it does sound like your husband doesn’t want them. I’d let these kitties go. Then you’ll have time to get on the same page with your husband and make a plan. Go to the pet shelter and visit kittens and cats. Calculate the cost of ownership and locate some pet sitting options. Decide together rather than strong arming him into this. You’ll all be happier about it.

    6. Book Lover*

      I love the idea of a one week cat rental if the friend is willing.

      Cats are close to no work – I mean yes to cuddles and snuggles and grooming but outside of that putting food out and changing litter and then more housework because of fluff. It doesn’t take any time and keeping them alive basically means leaving food and water out.
      Cost – orijen cat food for mine is $60 every 6 months or so maybe and you would double that. I love my breeze system and it is cheap after setup. We buy weruva wet and that is about $40 every six weeks but she doesn’t actually eat it, sigh.

      I have insurance for her at $30 or so a month, she is a purebred so likely more expensive than for a standard cat as purebreds tend to have more issues, though she hasn’t. You could call around for cost of spay/neuter and vaccines.

      I think standard here is $30 per day to catsit, including at least twice a day and cuddle time.

      Cats are great, totally recommend. But everyone needs to be on board.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        Wow – $30/day? I should get into that.

        We trade cat care with friends, and have short hairs so no grooming issues. Spay / neuter here runs from $35 to $150 (special laser keyhole stuff).

        1. Book Lover*

          My long hair leaves fluff everywhere and I comb her regularly but it is fun for both of us.

          The breeder included the spay but I know there are low cost options in Arizona at least because of major issues with strays.

      2. Queer Earthling*

        Cats are pretty low-maintenance…unless they develop special needs! One of my cats has to take thyroid pills twice daily, and the other has allergies that mean we have to clean his face a lot. When we go out of town for any length of time, we have to board them.

        They’re still pretty inexpensive, even switching to senior cat food, but the emotional labor has gotten higher.

    7. Fulana del Tal*

      It’s not about winning. Pets should be a mutual decision. Not wanting a pet is good enough reason not to get one.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Think about other times where you insisted on something. How did that play out? My husband might say, “not sure about this…” and I would insist. He usually made the best of it and in some situations he actually enjoyed this idea that he was originally not sure about.
      I did rescue a lovely cat and bring it home without even asking him. The situation was not good, the dogs at the previous home would not stop targeting that cat. The owner was crying. It was difficult. The cat came to my house and she hid in the corner of the pet carrier. All my husband could see was two huge eyes looking at him. Finally it became obvious that she was incredibly scared and his heart melted for her. It was through her that he discovered he realllly liked cats.

      You know your partner. You also know how much value you place on this decision. If the decision is a low value to you then maybe take a pass. Save your leverage for something that is important to you. It sounds like your husband will get into the cats in a little bit. But I can almost promise you that you will end up doing most of the work. I am glad I brought my cats home, I would not do it now for reasons. So there is that to consider, you might think of it as a once in a life time thing then move on to other things.

  7. StellaBella*

    Good morning. The kitties are so cute! Happy fall, autumn, to everyone. Bring on the pumpkin spice stuff!

    1. Lena Clare*

      They’re both very cute :)
      I thought that the machine in the background was a document shredder for quite a few hours until I realised they were waiting in front of it for food so it must be a food dispenser!

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I originally thought it was one of those pod coffee makers! Food dispenser is probably a much better choice for them…

    2. Myrin*

      I was gonna say – he blep but also not really because it’s full tongue during eating. He BLEPPP, more like.

  9. Lena Clare*

    For women who’ve been/ are going through the menopause – do you mind sharing your *good* stories? :D

    Did you go on HRT or not?

    And…is a period every 16 days or less “normal”?
    Ta x

    2. Quandong*

      I’ve been through (surgically induced) menopause and due to my medical history was unable to go on HRT at all.

      Good news? Eventually menopause ends.

      I didn’t realize how much of my life had been affected by my wretched hormones and periods, and after menopause symptoms ended for me, my quality of life is way higher than before.

      In my experience, menopause was the gateway to giving fewer f*cks and being comfortable with rage.

      1. Bluebell*

        I definitely agree that the best thing about menopause is that the symptoms end. I had about a year or so of hot flashes, and hated it. I wore lots of layers and got really good at peeling off sweaters and coats. Now I just remember that time in my life and am so glad it’s over! I did have about a year of really sporadic bleeding and remember spotting for about 2-3 weeks straight. You should talk to your dr but they may just say it’s hormones and it will stop eventually. I didn’t go on HRT because of other health issues.

    3. Morning Reader*

      Well, I never had a hot flash, if that’s what you mean, compared to most friends of mine who have suffered from them.

      I would like to introduce a new concept, a lingerie or panty shower, virtual or real, where your friends give you fresh new undies when you’ve passed the one-year-without-bleeding mark, so lovely to have new stuff that will never get bled on.

      As for periods every 16 days? If it wasn’t happening before, no, it doesn’t sound normal to me. It’s probably nothing but it’s worth bringing up to your health care person just in case. Bleeding *after* menopause is a potential symptom and should be checked out immediately. Irregular and less frequent is how I remember the process and having to keep supplies on hand all the time just in case since it is so unpredictable. But maybe it’s normal for you. Are they lighter or heavier and more crampy than before? I was developing fibroids a few years before menopause and it made the periods more painful. But my doctor said after menopause with reduced estrogen, they diminish on their own. So now, no more bleeding or pain or cramps! That’s a good story in my book!

      I’d say no to the HRT too. Information was just coming out about the negatives when I was going through it so I was not tempted. However I did not have debilitating symptoms and if I had, I would have considered it.

      1. Lena Clare*

        I would like to introduce a new concept, a lingerie or panty shower, virtual or real, where your friends give you fresh new undies when you’ve passed the one-year-without-bleeding mark, so lovely to have new stuff that will never get bled on

        This is such a great idea!

    4. Approval is optional*

      I’m one of the lucky ones – maybe it was the universe’s way of making up for 9 months of morning sickness each pregnancy – and had no problems with menopause: no hot flushes, no mood swings etc. I use pessaries for vaginal atrophy but otherwise nothing else has been needed.
      Before the end of periods, I was incredibly irregular for about a year (after 40 ish years of being fairly regular) so I don’t think 16 days is abnormal, but worth talking to someone about if you are worried of course. For what it’s worth, my gynae said ‘most’ women have no big problems – just that people are more inclined to share experiences when there are problems, and websites/magazines etc talk almost exclusively about how to ‘fix’ problems, so we tend to assume they problems are universal.

      1. Lena Clare*

        my gynae said ‘most’ women have no big problems

        Yes, I think I’ve heard this before. Ty for reminding me!

    5. Jdc*

      Not myself but as my mom is a pharmacist who does compounding I recommend if you do HRT to look into a good compounding pharmacy. They offered all sorts of different options people really liked. Creams, oils, pills you name it.

    6. fposte*

      I do have hot flashes and they’re a pain, but the rest of it has been lovely. My emotions are on a much more even keel and it’s better for my Crohn’s.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh that’s so good to hear that it’s been lovely! My emotions are more even too, I have to say, although that might possibly be my antid’s.

    7. The Messy Headed Momma*

      After suffering through a year of debilitating hot flashes & 3 years or more of roller coaster emotions, I found a new doctor through http://www.menopause.org . She got me on bHRT s right away & saved me!! It’s been 8 months or so & we are still having to tweak the progesterone as I am back to bleeding, but at least my not sweating my “donkey balls” off & I don’t feel like I am losing my mind!!
      Next up, lose some of this dang mid-section weight!

    8. MissDisplaced*

      I’m in menopause now (I guess) and it’s been months since my last period.

      If this is menopause, it ain’t that bad!

      I suffered for years with hormone triggered migraines every month. During peri menopause, which lasted almost 10 years, I got often had cycles every 14 days, so that meant a lot of feeling miserable. But now, no more periods = no more migraines!!!!!

      I’ve had a few hot flashes, and tend to “run warm” but honestly it’s not been that bad at all. Waaaay better than my periods were. I wish this could’ve happened sooner!

      1. Lena Clare*

        Hmmmm I’m in perimenopause I think. It’s reassuring to read yours and others’ comments that a period every 16 days or whatever is not that unusual (but I’ll also check it out with my GP).

        I get debilitating migraines too, so that’s something else to look forward to when they end!

      2. Not a cat*

        I am 53 and haven’t had a period for about 5 years. I had hot flashes for two of those years and every once in a while, I’ll have one now, when I am stressed. Over-the-counter progesterone creams helped me with the hot flashes. I wouldn’t call them miraculous, but they helped. My last year of having of menstruation was kind of a wild ride, longer periods, unexpected periods, spotting but oddly no cramping. I don’t miss having my monthlies at all :)

        1. Jax*

          My final year of periods also was wacky — sometimes ridiculously heavy periods (OMG) it was almost like this really shouldn’t be classified as a period at all but some other phenomenon to convey how wild and totally soaking it really is. So many destroyed underpants after years of a regular cycle (keep some with you discreetly at work if you can and maybe even a change of bottoms/skirt/pants). And yes, not only did periods sometimes come twice a month in the end (after going six months with nothing) — but I also recall once thinking that a single period was now nearing half a month in length. Thankfully this really did only seem to last about a year.

          I know that there were many nights I got into the shower for a minute just to be soaking wet (hair and all, not even drying off) to try to sleep comfortably and some nights doing that twice. The hot flashes also thankfully only lasted about a year. I did not do hormones.

    9. PhyllisB*

      I have two things to say about menopause: 1.It does suck donkey balls, and 2. God must have a sense of humor to put menopausal women and teenage girls in the same household. There were times my poor husband threatened to move out. :-) The most positive thing I can say about it is my husband and I didn’t argue over the thermostat during that time.
      There is no “normal” for periods during The Change (how’s that for an old-fashioned term?) but of course keep your doctor in the loop. I tried a couple of different things medically. I can’t remember exactly what they were now because that’s been close to 20 years ago, (I started at 47.) The first thing I took had me bleeding for three weeks and not for one week. Then they tried shots. They worked great, but the nurse neglected to tell me that my insurance wouldn’t cover them until I had taken three of them (At $300.00 each.) I decided, “Well, women went through this for centuries without medical intervention, I guess I can, too.” So I toughed it out and lived to tell the tale, and managed to stay married through the ordeal.
      There is a lot more help available now so explore what’s out there and find what works for you.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I also forgot to add: Don’t think that just because you’ve gone a year without a period you are DONE. After a little over a year of none, my husband went on a mini-honeymoon and guess who showed up? Yep. Aunt Florence. That was my last hurrah though. So make sure you keep some supplies on hand just in case. Since I had young women living at home I had some, but I never thought to bring any on this trip!!

        1. MissDisplaced*

          Yup! I went for about 8 months without my periods and thought, Yea!
          But then it came back (with a vengeance) for like 3 months. It’s now been something like 7-8 months again, so I’m hoping that was the last hurrah.

        2. Enough*

          Yeah. It was 1 year and 5 days. But then that was the last one. Also 51 is the average age so remember you can go much later. I was 57 when I had my last period.

        3. Elizabeth West*

          Don’t stop using birth control until you’re pretty sure you’re done, either. This is how menopause babies happen. Women think it’s all over when Flo starts to take vacations and they throw away the BC. It’s pretty rare, but it DOES happen!*

          *is counting on it

        4. Arts Akimbo*

          Hah, good to know!

          I was so mad last year because I was counting down based on that “no periods for a year” rule, and I had a period exactly three days before my 1-year mark! Gah! Now I know it’s just a guideline rather than actual rules.

      2. Approval is optional*

        Seriously? Aren’t there are enough crappy, misogynistic ‘women are just a bundle of irrationality when those pesky hormones are a-brewing. And put more than one of them in a house together, whoo boy, cat fights day and night ‘ ‘jokes’ in the world already?

        1. Jax*

          Well, then there’s reality. Hot flashes — especially if you have a partner sharing a bed, or even a fricken office — are a real demon for both people and something damn near every couple I know comes to joke about, the scenarios and accommodations can be hilarious with a little bit of distance. You laugh or you’re not going to last. That is not even factoring into the domestic tales any kind of grumpt teen or wailing infant.

          1. Ethyl*

            I’m in perimenopause right now and the hot flashes are no freaking joke! I actually feel bad for joking about it when my mom was going through it. It’s so so so unpleasant!

        2. That Girl from Quinn's House*

          You don’t get to deny people real physical suffering, just because it doesn’t meet your preconceived notions of niceness.

          There is SO much of this going on with regards to women’s health issues. People get to experience what they experience.

        3. Ethyl*

          I have PMDD. I get actually suicidal with my period. Trust me, my hormone-induced nkkd fluctuations are real and not part of some patriarchal conspiracy. Trust me too when I say that going too far the other direction — assuming hormone-related mood disturbances aren’t real — leads to just as much suffering, if not more, than the dismissiveness of “women are all crazy because of hormones.”

          I get that your intentions are good here, but please don’t tell people what they experience isn’t real.

    10. Hormones*

      If you are on hormonal birth control and it works for you, (and your health factors are good for it) you can keep taking it to help with symptoms. It has been far less expensive than what I would have to pay for HRT, and has completely eliminated hot flashes and the never-ending spotting. Also my grandmother had her last kid in her mid-fifties, ha ha!

        1. Filosofickle*

          Oh geez that’s my worst nightmare! Going off BC, thinking you’re safe, then SURPRISE menopause baby.

    11. Asenath*

      Can’t comment on normal periods – check with a doctor. Menopause was fine for me – no hot flashes, which is not something I generally confess to because some menopausal women who have really bad hot flashes don’t like to hear that some people don’t have them. In fact, if I want to be technically correct, I’ve gone through menopause twice, once artificially induced for medical reasons and once naturally. No problem either time, and therefore, no need for HRT or other treatments. It was great not having periods any more. I couldn’t put an exact date on when they stopped; they just got less and less frequent until I realized they weren’t happening any more. The only disadvantage is needing a bit of extra care to avoid looking like a bearded lady.

      1. Figgie*

        Love menopause! Being done with periods, no more irritable bowel or migraines and more energy than I had when I was dealing with endless ups and downs from my hormones.

        Never took any hormones for it. Many of us who don’t have any major issues tend not to talk about it. Mostly because we don’t want women who do have issues to feel badly.

        I had a few night hot flashes, which I solved by tucking one of the small, blue ice packs wrapped in a washcloth up against the carotid artery in my neck. It would sit in the curve between my neck and pillow. That stopped any night hot flashes completely.

        As for my periods during Peri-menopause…they were all over the place from months apart to less than a week apart. I was very happy when that part of the process was over!

        1. Arts Akimbo*

          Thanks, I was wondering if it was ok to just get through it and not take hormones. Mine’s going fine so far, and I have no reason to do it unless it staves off osteoporosis or something. That’s the thing I’m most worried about. But then I think weightlifting also staves off osteoporosis so maybe I should just do that instead of messing around with hormones?

          1. Skeeder Jones*

            I basically went through it without hormones because I didn’t really have symptoms. I recently went to a gynecologist for a pap, after several years, and asked her if there was any reason to go on them now. She said no, they are mainly recommended for symptom management and can have other side effects that aren’t necessarily great for you, so if you are managing without, it’s not usually recommended to start them. But… I am not a doctor so it’s best to talk to your doctor to be sure that’s right for you.

          2. Asenath*

            You can talk to your doctor about bone loss. Exercise is good, and calcium and vitamin D supplements were suggested by my doctor. I’ve also had a bone density scan, which apparently is on the List of Preventative Management for Aging Females that the local health care system, but there’s nothing to it, and it doesn’t come up on the list very often – a baseline one, at some point, and I think one since.

            I suggested that PAP smears are hardly needed at my age, but my doctor disagreed on that one!

        2. Lena Clare*

          Excellent! No more acne or periods (I’m checking mine out with my GP just to be sure, but I’d heard that they could go either way rather than just less frequent), more energy, more stable emotions, less frequent migraines and other physical bleurghs, god it sounds wonderful.
          Bring it on! :D

    12. Lena Clare*

      Thanks everyone! I’m going to enjoy it and not worry about it (try to). And see my GP for reassurance :)

    13. OperaArt*

      As others have said, the good thing is that it ends. The better thing is that having periods also ends. No more hormone swings or cramps or headaches. I felt fantastic when it was all over. And more powerful. And free. And really stopped giving a **** about what other people think about what I should do or be.

    14. Dusty Bunny*

      54 year old here. Menopause is … almost done? Period still happening once every 6 – 8 months, so the clock resets. Periods became intense and more frequent (every 22 – 23 days) in my late 40’s – as if my uterus was racing to some invisible finish line. Not much by way of hot flashes, but after a lifetime of being too warm all the time (shout out to my hot, sweaty sisters) my 40’s also introduced a marginal cooling down, as in, not sweating out my pits every day, no matter the weather. And realizing on some days, I actually felt comfortable — not too hot, not cold. It was a marvel. And then when hot flashes did/do appear, it was more in the form of a hot, sweaty face. No big deal after decades of always being too warm, head to toe.
      No HRT for me. I could not tolerate the hormone issues I had with oral contraceptives, so I will not be inviting that madness into my system again. Now I’m relearning hair and skin care, because my oily skin has finally abated a bit, and my hair is drier than it used to be. To quote dear, departed, Gilda Radner, “It’s always something!”

    15. IAmOnlyInItForThePoetry*

      My own personal experience was that early peri menopause (mid forties) was awful. I was very emotional and would get angry or sad for no reason. I thought I was becoming mentally imbalanced. That lasted a few years and since then I’ve been good. I get some night sweats and mild hot flashes but it’s not too bad.

    16. Dancing Otter*

      Instead of thinking how often, think about how many days you’re bleeding versus not bleeding per month. If you are bleeding or spotting heavily more than half the days of a typical month, get checked out. Fibroids can cause that, and can be treated without a hysterectomy in most cases. (The first time, I had an entire year of not bleeding before it started again.) An ultrasound is the usual diagnostic test.
      However, other things can cause changes in your cycle, too, that are not as benign. Don’t assume all symptoms that occur during perimenopause are caused by that alone.

    17. Earthwalker*

      Breezing through the tampon aisle at the store. Never worrying if there’s accidental leakage that shows. No more acne. I do get hot flashes, but a fan in the bedroom at night, or a trip outside in the daytime, or chugging sips of an icy drink make those quite livable. Of course, I clearly remember the shock of “You’re Going to Be a Woman!” class in grade school. I thought, “My body is going to WHAT?? Seriously??” and hoped forty years could pass by really quickly. By the time I finally got to menopause I channeled my inner twelve year old, so I was delighted with it.

    18. Snuck*

      I’ve been battling non-menopause for years… and am currently sitting on a sofa recovering from a partial hysterectomy… I’ve got PCOS, which has caused me to have near permanent periods (three weeks on, half a week off, mix the days up a little, but it’s certainly not a 28 day cycle). Is it possible this isn’t menopause but something else? If you aren’t sure, get someone to check… I thought most women had a less frequent cycle as they entered menopause?

      The thing the hardest in all this is my entire menstrual life (I’m early 40s) I have battled hideous periods, and basically… doctors havne’t cared a fig about it at all. Finding a good quality doctor who can work with you is paramount. Not your usual one, not one that is dismissive, or won’t run the tests etc. Find one that has a wait list, that is the sort of gyn or hormone specialist that the midwives or nurses use (they know how to find good quality doctors!) and one that will run you through a range of tests that actually measures what you need and prescribe something individual for you.

      Compounded meds cost more but are uniquely set to your own needs… don’t dismiss them. Having off the shelf to save money can be a false economy if you then need to take something else as well to deal with side effects.

      Look to your diet, get that really clean and healthy, and keep yourself as best you can in a healthy body…. sleep is important, as is general day to day health. Fix a lot of that too.

      And… maybe… consider just riding it through. I’ve been on hormones for a few years (sadly I am not showing ANY signs of menopause, or we’d not have bothered with said hysterectomy obviously) and the ups and downs and side effects etc… are all kinds of crappy… If you can find a way to ride it through without adding to the ups and downs… it’s worth considering. HRT is also complicated in a lot of other medical conditions… so make sure whomever you see is very very good at this stuff. Don’t be afraid to say “This isn’t working, what else can we try”.

      And remember… there’s five times more studies into men’s personal pleasure (I assume the other word will get me moderated), than there is into women’s hormone related pain… sadly… the understanding of women’s health is poor and badly applied, and until we control funding grants and take over hte world it’s going to stay that way.

      1. Lena Clare*

        I’ve got a good (female) doctor. And yes, it’s horrifying how women’s health is not taken as seriously in general as men’s health is, but I don’t want to make this about sexism!

        You’re right, looking after my diet and exercise, plus making sure I get enough sleep (which is really bad atm) will help, and it’s good to be reminded of that. I went vegan in Feb and my skin is a lot better for it. I’m sure I can make some improvements, and I know I can do more exercise! I do want to try to stave off osteoporosis and middle age spread as much as possible. Bodies hey?!

    19. Not using my regular name for obvious reasons*

      During perimenopause I kept increasing the amount of bleeding in the month until the break was sometimes less than 7 days. I got anemic for the first time in my life, and my gyno recommended endometrial ablation. BEST DECISION EVER. Without having any way to bleed, I’m not sure when I went through actual menopause except it was much later. I’d get my regular diarrhea once a month for a while but I paid little attention to that since it would be for just a day.

      As for menopause itself, my body temperature is now much warmer and my version of hot flashes was during the night I’d get hot and wake up but would cool down if I threw off the covers. I didn’t get drenched in sweat and I went back to sleep. I never took any kind of hormonal relief and my biggest complaint is that suddenly it seemed like all my weight migrated to my stomach. I am finally, years later, seeing some of the vaginal problems but that would have been solved if I’d had daily sex and/or used the vaginal hormone cream my doc prescribed. Instead my husband and I just switched away from penis-in-vagina sex and we’re just as happy, if not more.

    20. Paralegal Part Deux*

      Not me personally, but my mom and cousin went through it nativity not HRT. My mom and cousin had zero issues (no hot flashes, etc.) IIRC, they both said they only needed a thin blanket during winter was as close to a hot flash as they got and were never miserable. Personally, I’m planning on going the natural route and hope I have the same results.

    21. Anonandanon*

      I think I’m in typical menopause at 54, I never had kids, was only ever on BC for a few years, and basically stopped having sex after getting married to my husband (we are still married), we kiss and cuddle a lot, but no actual sex, just not wanting/needing it. I do dislike the hot flashes though they aren’t flashes as much as just overheating (not sweating though) especially in the mornings when I’m getting ready for work since I am moving around a lot and take my shower in the mornings. We have A/C but the bedroom I sleep in never gets as cool as I would like so have two fans which help, this summer has been not my favorite and I can’t WAIT for the cooler weather! I have always been someone who did not mind the cold, and having extra layers of fat is probably a contributing factor, and in a few years will be relocating to Florida so I hope by that time the flashes will be gone, along with some weight so I will enjoy the hotter climate…but did tell hubby we’ll be coming back North in the hottest weather for a few months. I’m glad that most here have posted they did not go on HRT, I would prefer not to do so as well and as long as nothing drastic changes during menopause, I won’t be going on it. I do wish I could stop getting Pap smears too, since I don’t have sex and they have all been normal thus far.

      1. AnotherRedHeadedOne*

        Sample case of 1 but increasing or decreasing soy products dramatically affected hot flashes. No soy, no hot flashes. Surgical menopause at 47, PCOS, fibroids, endometriosis, anemia. The end of bleeding is glorious. New underwear, clothes and sheets to celebrate;) And there is a power and clarity that seems to arrive after menopause. Definitely no more f$%ks to give.

  10. Future mum*

    Has anybody on here adopted a child? How long did it take? Did you just adopt the one or siblings? What was the most difficult part?
    My husband and I are going to be talking to an agency about adopting next week and starting the process but we are still talking through the 1 vs more question? Age preferences? Etc. I would love to hear others adoption stories.

    2. Sparkly Librarian*

      In the process of finalizing our first adoption. US, domestic, infant, non-profit agency. We waited 2 years for a match, had an immediate hospital placement, and the placement was disrupted by the birth father. Then waited one more year before our next match, which was also an immediate hospital placement (baby born). That was about 5 months ago. We have 1 more post-placement visit and a month before we can start to request a court date to finalize. Your wait for finalization will depend on your state requirements. The agency we used is close to full-service (includes marketing, some legal work, and counseling for expectant mothers), but is about the usual (expensive) in terms of fees. They continued to show our profile for no additional cost after the first placement fell through.

      We’d like to start the process for #2 right away, as we expect a similar wait. This time we plan to work with a different agency that has a sliding scale based on income, and supplement their marketing with an online profile service called Adoption For My Child.

      Down the line we’d like to foster – either respite care for infants or long-term/potentially fostadopt for older kids. Need to do more research there but there is a well-known agency in our area that has a good track record.

    3. I don’t post often*

      I’m glad you posted this as I was thinking of posting something similar. We have one bio child and have been waiting two years to adopt an infant. We went with an agency that’s offers counseling to us, child, and birth parent(s) for life. Fees are hefty but reasonable. There is a large national agency that charges ridiculous fees, guarantees placement in a year, but does things like fly expectant parent to a different state if the legal risk period is less. Legal risk period = the amount of time mom (or dad) has to change their mind. In our state it is 10 days. In the state north of us it is 30. In some states that period is only 24 hours. We didn’t feel that was a respectiful way to treat expectant parents.

      Keep in mind if you adopt through the foster system, the adoption will be significantly less expensive. Think $2,000 vs $40,000. But the average age of a child in foster care eligible for adoption is 6-8. Check out adopt us kids for more info.

      We have been waiting two years and there is no end to the wait in sight. Our agency places about 30 children a year and announced this week it will not be taking any new waiting families until mid-2020 or later. There are just that many people waiting. I’m looking for other methods of advertising, but everything costs money. It is an industry like any other.

      We went with this particular agency because we wanted expectant parent/ birth parent to be treated well, to not feel pressured or pushed to place. We also wanted her (and dad) to have the support needed post placement and this agency offers that. In my mind birth parents placing infants must be some of the bravest selfless people ever, and we wanted them to be well cared for.

  11. Seeking Second Childhood*

    GOOD experiences with your childhood babysitter or being a babysitter or hiring one as a parent? This is for my 12yo who took the town’s babysitter training class, which gave her plenty of cautionary tales.
    Time for the fun memories!

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My next door neighbor was my babysitter in the 70s. Blond hair she could sit on, and the patience to play kid games all afternoon. I remember sitting in her room playing with a faddish little toy my mom hadn’t bought me despite my wheedling. I know it was a long time because I remember warm sun shining through the window…and I remember being chilly because the sun had gone behind trees. No books or videos–just me, my babysitter, and a little cartoon snake that moved when you pet its fur. I don’t even remember a radio in the background. I wish I had her patience!

    2. Weegie*

      I was the neighbourhood babysitter from about age 12 until I left school. Apart from being a great way to earn money (I paid for my first trip abroad when I was 16!), all of the children I looked after were fine, the parents were reasonable people who paid well, left me snacks and came home when they said they would, and nothing ever went wrong! I suppose I always felt secure in knowing that if anything DID go wrong, my parents were close by and could help.

      I preferred older children rather than babies, and I definitely had my favourites. With one family, the two children had a set bedtime of 9:30pm, but there was a Friday night TV show they liked that ran until 10pm. So every week we played this fun game where they progressively wheeled and pleaded with me to see the end of the show, while I started out by saying ‘no’, then ‘maybe’, and ending with ‘okay, but if your parents phone and ask if you’re in bed already, you’d better be very, very quiet!’ The parents also left me the best snacks, so that’s the job I remember most fondly.

      1. Weegie*

        Oh, and there was the family with the very young baby who was absolutely no trouble at all, but their Red Setter was an attention-seeker. If I watched TV, he used to get up in the couch, plant his legs on either side of mine and just stand. I either had to push him off or peer under his belly to see the screen! There was no reasoning with him, but he was very good-natured.

    3. V*

      I absolutely loved babysitting as a teen. A bit of time having fun play with little ones, then they were off to bed and I got to read a book / watch TV / do puzzles with no nagging feeling that I ought to be doing something. And I got paid for it and usually the parents left me some food in the fridge as well!

    4. CTT*

      I really, really loved babysitting. It was not the easiest thing I did as a teen, but it was really rewarding. I loved building relationships with families in my neighborhood. It was also the first time I got to feel grown up; obviously because it’s a job, but all the little things too, like coordinating dinner, and finding things to do after the kids went to bed.

      For what your daughter heard about horror stories, there were a few families I didn’t click with and either they never called me again or I “had other plans” the evening they did, but that’s like any job, and I think learning that early helped me down the road.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      I babysat from the age of twelve. For the first year or two it was with older kids – someone eight or nine who wasn’t quite old enough to spend the evening alone, but didn’t need much actual care, and were kind of pleased at having an older kid to play board games with. After that, it was mostly kids my younger brother’s age (4 or 5 and up), so well past diaper age and speaking well. I’d play with them until bed time, get them a snack and oversee teeth brushing, they’d go off to bed, and I’d do homework and have my special babysitter snack until the parents came home.

    6. Bluebell*

      I remember babysitting for twins and their big brother down the street. I had long hair and one twin would get on each side of me on the couch and they’d brush my hair and play beauty parlor. The only dog I remember from my babysitting years was a basenji. He was sweet but so odd to deal with a nonbarking dog.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      I loved babysitting. It was such a fun job. I got to play with fun kids, then trick them into going to bed early if I wanted to watch TV (back in the days of one or two analog clocks in the house), eat great snacks that my parents wouldn’t buy, and make money hand over fist. And that was in the days when babysitters were paid less than half of minimum wage.

      I earned enough to buy my SLR camera, a bike, pretty much all my clothes, and to pay for my entertainment. (I got a very small allowance – like a dollar a week, I think, and my parents didn’t give me money for anything but necessities, like some school clothes and school supplies.)

      And I am still friends with some of the parents and the now-grown kids.

    8. PhyllisB*

      I babysat all through high school and loved it. Made good money, too. The worst night was when I went to babysit for this couple I worked for regularly that had one child, and they were going out with another couple who had five children, and they brought them over so I could keep them, too. They weren’t bad kids, but when you have six children when you were only expecting one….and they didn’t pay me any extra at the end of the night. The only reason I came back again was because this was a really nice family and they usually tipped me very well. The only family I ever worked for that tipped. But luckily that never happened again.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Also wanted to say my oldest daughter took a babysitter training course and she cleaned up with babysitting all the way through high school. When the people at our church found out she had taken that course the phone never stopped ringing. And they would pay her more because of her training.

    9. Amy Farrah Fowler*

      I babysat for a lot of my younger sister’s girl scout mates. Most of them were great. I had one family who had the daughter and then 2 younger boys. The parents always ordered pizza or left pizza money and the kids had super early bedtimes (like 8 or so), so we just hung out and played for an hour or 2, I put them to bed and then the dad had a killer movie collection and a big screen tv. I would watch movies until the parents came home. Remind your kid that it can be slightly creepy to be the only one awake in a house that’s not theirs, so dont pick scary movies!

    10. Owler*

      My 12yo is just starting out! She has a weekly gig with a neighbor for the 30-45min gap when one parent is leaving a class and the other is getting back.

      “Mother helping” (playing with kids while mom or dad get chores done) is a gentle way to ease in. I hope your kid can find a first job…it’s a great way to build confidence. It also makes me want to figure out jobs for neighbor kids who are younger than mine.

    11. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I really appreciated knowing that if I got stumped, I could call my mom for advice! She never came to rescue me (but would have if it was something that I truly couldn’t handle and the parents couldn’t get back fast enough). I didn’t call her often, maybe 3 times over a decade, but just knowing that I could would help me settle and figure it out on my own.

      One of the calls she got was um, the kid just threw up and had diarrhea and it’s all over them and the clothes and the floor and what do I do? Answer: call the parents, put all the dirty clothes in a bucket of cold water, and wash the kid off in the bathtub. By the that time, the parents had gotten home and could deal with it from there.

    12. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      My start with babysitting was keeping at eye on a group of younger children during meetings that all of our parents were at (in another part of the same house), which was a good way to ease into it since there were adults home, they were just busy. Then the family whose house the meetings were at started hiring me to take care of their two kids as actual babysitting, so it was an easy transition since I was already used to being in charge of those specific kids and cooking at their house in their kitchen.

      I always specialized in school-age kids rather than tiny ones, because I liked to teach kids improv games and things like that. They really liked playing “freeze”, so we did that a lot. We’d also play various surrealist writing/drawing games (questions and answers written without looking at the questions first, continuing the monster drawing started by someone else, that sort of thing). I kept babysitting for that particular family whenever they were going to be out particularly late even as the older kid got to the age where they probably could be left alone because the kids liked having someone come over who would organize and play imaginative games with them. I never picked up too many jobs in my actual neighborhood because there was a girl two years older than me who really, really liked little kids (she eventually went to college in Early Childhood Education, and she kept babysitting until she finished her program and got a job in a daycare), so I mostly just had the other kids from that parent group.

      In less-great babysitting stores, one time my divorced dad thought it would work well to have me watch his date’s kid so they could go out on a date on the weekend they both had custody of their kids. There was no amount of money he could have offered that would have made me not mad about that that one, and I’m pretty sure the other kid felt similarly, but everyone survived. Mostly I remember being stuck playing “pretty pretty princess”, which would have been miserable even if I hadn’t already been grumpy about things, and having only brought a completely inappropriate book to read because he sprung this on me after I arrived so I only had the book I’d happened to be in the middle of. Of course the kid wanted a story from the book they saw me carrying, so I had to do some pretty rapid skimming to try and find something that was at least just weird rather than actively full of sex demons or something. (When babysitting, I’d usually bring James Herriot books or something similar for my personal reading, because those had some stories I could read aloud if the kid was interested. I’d also usually being a picture book or two from home specifically to offer to read to the kids. That particular weekend, since I hadn’t been planning on babysitting, I had a Tanith Lee horror short story collection as the only book I had with me.)

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Once I got stuck with someone else’s preschool child on a packed train (mother standing, child in the aisle seat next to me, visibly pregnant, in the window seat). The child asked me to read to her from my book.

        It was a Jilly Cooper. Joyful, but definitely not PG (sex, language).

        I pretended to read from the book, but instead improvised an age appropriate story out of my head. I have never been so glad to reach my station!!

    13. OhBehave*

      Several of our sitters would clean up the kitchen, etc. We would come home to clean dishes and counters, toys put away, blankets folded. We paid them more.
      The best sitters are those who have a plan. They plan playtime instead of parking in front of a screen. I remember one of our daughter’s first sitting gigs. She called the parents (our small group friends) asking where the vinegar was. They told her, no questions asked! We were having dinner with them and said she was probably doing a science experiment. They were very impressed that she had it all planned. She had a babysitting tote bag that was packed with activities. She was a busy sitter.

    14. Earthwalker*

      My favorite charges would beg their parents to have me come because I’d read out loud to them. Their folks never did, and I don’t know why, because those kids loved being read to! The four year old claimed he could read, because as I turned the pages, he could recite Dr Seuss’s “One Fish Two Fish” from memory, having heard it so many times. It was fun to have them cuddle up with me and a book.

    15. Observer*

      Be the babysitter people can absolutely rely on means you can pick and choose who you sit for, which means you are much more likely to have good experiences.

      I did tons of babysitting as a young teen, and I had a few “winners”, but even though I did need the money (not desperately, but there were things my parents couldn’t afford), I never had to think twice about turning them down a second time. I knew that I’d have enough sitting jobs. And I was also able to turn down jobs for good clients if I had a schedule conflict. The really, really lowered the stress level.

      Another thing that really helps is if you daughter knows she can call you guys if she needs to. If all goes well, it won’t happen to often, but just knowing you can makes a real difference.

    16. Lilysparrow*

      Over the summer, my 10 yo started being a “mother’s helper” twice a week to our next door neighbor, who has a 4yo, a 2yo, and a newborn. She basically keeps the older kids entertained while mom is home. She helps give them snacks or pick up toys, occasionally helps the 4yo with bathtime.

      It’s a perfect match of tasks & responsibility for her age without being overwhelming. The children absolutely adore her and hero-worship her, and she got lots of positive feedback from the bosslady, along with a significant amount of pocket money for someone her age.

      It was great for her independence and her confidence, and getting those sweet snuggles from cute little ones just made her day. Even dealing with the 2yo’s tantrums taught her a lot about patience. It was a win-win-win for everyone involved.

    2. Kathenus*

      Congrats! I saw it about a year and a half ago and am hoping to get tix when it comes back to town next year. Yes, a lot of money, but I don’t spend a lot on entertainment so I’m willing to indulge. The first time I saw it I hadn’t listened to the cast album and only knew what I had seen from performances on the Tony’s/Grammy’s. If I get to see it again I know every word to every song and have read Lin Manuel Miranda’s book on it so a lot of backstory, interested to see how different of an experience it will be with lots more knowledge.

    4. Kate Lathrop*

      IT IS AMAZING AND LIFE CHANGING!!

      Ahem – I had the good fortune to see it twice here in Phoenix – once with season tickets last season and then random up for grab tickets. It’s as good and even better. It’s life changing and uplifting. Bring kleenex.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      This is on my wish list for my birthday. I’m hoping to gather up the birthday gifts, my friends, and get some tickets for over the holidays!

    6. ThisMightBeVodka*

      Eeeeeek! I just saw it on Wednesday! Tickets were outrageous, but so worth it. We were in the third row and could see the actors so well. It was amazing!

      1. FalafalBella*

        It is an amazing experience. One suggestion– read Lin-Manuel Miranda’s book and libretto (the words to the songs) before you go to the show. It is absolutely fascinating and gives you an idea of his genius! You will have a much better understanding of the story behind the story and will be able to better comprehend the words of the songs sung on stage by the actors.

    7. MsChanandlerBong*

      It’s coming to our theater in 2021, and if you subscribe to the 2020 season, they are guaranteeing you tickets for Hamilton the next year. I subscribed early so I don’t miss out!

    8. Teach*

      I’ve seen it in Chicago as well as on tour – both were excellent! You will be shocked at how much the acting, staging, and choreo add to the story if you already know the music well.

    11. Katastrophreak*

      My daughters and their friends did a ton of fundraising and budgeting so the five of them could get nosebleed seats in Chicago – a four hour drive. They’re teenagers.

      It was amazing, and I’d go again.

  13. JDC*

    Very down this weekend. On Wednesday husband had his gallbladder removed. He had me take him to the ER about a week and a half prior in insane pain. Gallstones. So we schedule a meeting with the surgeon (they didn’t feel it needed to come out on the spot) and he says basically that it’ll keep happening until it is out.

    Now for some back round (and my husband knows this) my ex had insane issues from gallbladder complications. He was hospitalized for a month, in which time I never left the hospital for more than an hour, nearly died in front of me twice, had numerous surgeries to stabilize him before it was finally taken out and developed MRSA (which isn’t that uncommon but such a pain).

    So while with the surgeon I sort of blurted out “oh yes let’s take it out”. Husband said nothing and seemed agreeable. Also know my husband is not the quiet type. He will say what he wants when he wants (not mean just outspoken).

    Since then he has been pissy, angry but not yelling at anyone or something and on edge. I asked him repeatedly what is going on, why is he so upset. We had a talk about it and he said he just didn’t feel well. So I figured ok he doesn’t feel well so he is cranky and once it is all done and he is recovered back to normal.

    Well yesterday we ran into a store because he needed some new tennis shoes. He is asking my opinion and looking around and says “I need either white, grey or black”. I said “eh let’s avoid black”. I think all black tennis shoes look silly personally, like are you wearing dress shoes or tennis shoes from a distance. All can do as they wish but I just don’t like them. I also didn’t tell him this just basically said word for word what I wrote above.

    Well that was it, he got so mad. So finally I said “you look I’ll wait outside”. He was just being rude and nasty to me. Told me “I don’t care what you like”. Um ok. When we got home he told me that he has been angry since the surgeon because I stepped in and decided for him. He said I never took care of him when he was sick but expected him to take care of me. I asked what he was referring to and he said two examples: One when he had food poisoning at 3 a.m. (I had it too earlier in the night) and I slept through it. I did wake up, ask how he was, if he needed anything and brought him water, but I mean, what can I do when he is hanging over the toilet? He didn’t do anything for me other than the same I did.

    Second example was when he went to the hospital. He said I sat on the couch and ignored him. When he first was in pain he said “my back hurts”. Now him and I both have insane back pain regularly so I simply said “I’m sorry do you need anything?” He says no. Then he said his stomach hurt. Again I asked the same and we discussed what we had eaten that day wondering if he was sick from it. So we had a full conversation surrounding this. Finally when I realized by looking at his face that he was clearly in pain I once again asked what he needed and then said we should go to the ER, took him, and sat by his side until 3 a.m. Next day went to get his meds, some sprite, etc.

    So I was shocked he said this. I pointed out to him these things and told him I was truly confused. I also reminded him that when I needed stitches the other day I text him at work when the accident happened and he waited two hours until he got home to take me to the ER. My car was in the shop that day. I could’ve taken an Uber but it wasn’t insane bad so I waited, plus not sure an Uber would’ve been cool with me bleeding all over it. It was fine but Ya know, if he is saying I wasn’t taking care of him.

    He called me selfish for all of this. Not mean “you’re selfish!” but in a calm conversation. I explained the events and how they took place and asked him (calmly) what he would have preferred I do differently? He had no answers. I know his ex basically ignored him if anything happened, wouldn’t even drive him to the hospital in an emergency. I asked him to please not hold her behaviors against me because what he is saying is simply not how it happened.

    So back to the surgery. I feel awful that I just interjected. I only did because the reality is that it would keep happening and it was so awful to see him in so much pain. I also know he has had numerous surgeries so he wasn’t afraid of that part. I told him how bad I felt and that I truly was just trying to help so he wouldn’t keep going through the pain. I truly feel bad and should’ve kept my mouth shut but it was truly the best intention.

    I also have worked in healthcare and sat in on about 100 cholecystectomy procedures so I guess I just kind of know all about it so took over due to having all the info. Not good but still, from a good place.

    Well, he’s not mad or anything anymore but I am heartbroken. You know when your chest physically hurts from sadness. I feel like I just want to lie in bed for months. I know I’ll snap out of it but I can’t unhear what he said and I feel so many emotions. Sad, guilty, upset regarding him being mad for weeks. Upset that he clearly see’s how I cared for him as different than reality. I just am so down. We do go to counseling sometimes just to keep things open. We have an appointment next week so that will be a start…..and I have an appointment to start some on my own the week after so all good there.

    I guess I just needed to vent. I know he feels bad now that I am so upset, and I haven’t been expressing that but Im sure he can tell. It also makes me feel a bit like I cannot be myself. This isn’t the first time he has said something about me not doing enough. I do 100% of everything for our household. He doesn’t even put a dish in the dishwasher. My house is ALWAYS spotless, always. I really am happy to but when I hear I don’t do enough, with this on top of it, I am beyond devastated. It feels like any effort I make isn’t good enough. I 100% know I did right by him with taking him to the hospital and such and didn’t ignore him. I really do know he is bringing his feelings from his ex into this (she also did zilch around the house, ever…never even once cooked a meal for her own kid) but it doesn’t change how sad I am.

    Please don’t tell me I am the worst human ever. I really cannot take it and already feel so down on myself.

    1. MissDisplaced*

      I’m sorry but he is being very rude and condescending to you, and quite frankly, he’s acting like a spoiled child whose only concern is HIS needs. I don’t see that you did anything wrong here, and you certainly do not sound like a selfish or bad person, but a normal person.

      I don’t know if he’s always been like this to you, or if he’s lashing out due to pain and stress of recent medical issues, but it’s not very pleasant.

      Please take care of yourself.

      1. Jdc*

        He’s never like this, hence why I thought it was the pain. I’m hoping. He’s usually very kind, caring, considerate.

    2. Shiny Onix*

      He will say what he wants when he wants (not mean just outspoken).

      This isn’t the first time he has said something about me not doing enough. I do 100% of everything for our household. He doesn’t even put a dish in the dishwasher. My house is ALWAYS spotless, always. I really am happy to but when I hear I don’t do enough, with this on top of it, I am beyond devastated. It feels like any effort I make isn’t good enough.

      You say he’s not mean but he doesn’t exactly sound kind and caring. It sounds like you’re over correcting: his ex never did anything, you’re not his ex, why does this mean you have to do everything? The fact you say not to tell you you’re the worst human ever makes my ears prick up – nothing you’ve said points to that and it makes me wonder what’s really going on here.

      I think you deserve better. I would not go to counseling with him at his point. I would absolutely say for you to go on your own. If through the course of your counseling it becomes clear that this relationship is definitely worth it for you, great! Go to counseling together then. But honestly, I used to be married to someone who sounds a lot like your partner, and I’m a hell of a lot happier now. For 13 years I believed him that everything that was wrong with our relationship was my fault. But it wasn’t, and even if it had been, I’m one million times happier now.

      Big hugs. I think you are absolutely not the worst human ever and I think maybe if you get some space from him you’ll see that you’re actually pretty cool.

      Update us? If you want?

      1. valentine*

        You say he’s not mean but he doesn’t exactly sound kind and caring.
        With this and the wild extremes of SO behavior and the coincidence of your ex’s gallbladder horror, what I’m seeing is a lot of absence. He’s not. She didn’t. He’s not mean as in shouty, but is he silent? Because, even if you don’t feel that’s mean, it can wear. Maybe it’s fear of the surgery that sort of put him on pause, but does he usually hold on to things, then spring them on you? Because that’s not being outspoken. You thought you could give your own opinion because he wasn’t shy to give his (until now), so yo rightfully feel he’s pulled the rug out.

        He can cancel the surgery anytime. It’s not like House, where the girlfriend and doctor conspired to violate House’s consent by waiting until he was unconscious and using his power of attorney to agree to surgery. You’re nowhere near that. Your husband can also not have you in the room or, hey, speak up. Anytime. There was no need to stew silently and let it bottle up. It’s not even a “The more I think about it, I’ve come to realize…” He was mad the whole time, yeah? That’s not good for your relationship. He should feel he can tell you, in front of the surgeon or as soon as you were alone again. It’s weird.

        Shiny Onix also has a good idea in solo therapy. You might still want to keep your next appointment, so as not to delay addressing all this. I think his real issue is not his ex, but yours. If he knows you sat vigil for eons for that guy, he’s seeing your immediate vote for surgery as you not wanting to sit vigil for him (not that you should! I guess he doesn’t know or care about caregiver burnout), hence the accusations of selfishness and dereliction of duty. reflect on other times he’s done this, because some people use this to manipulate, accusing you of not being or doing in some way that’s behavior we conflate with identity. They strike there because they know it’s important to you.

        The real sadness here is that he wants your constant attention and doesn’t value everything you do for him, your family, and the house/hold. I guess he wants you to give 110-120%? If he’s going to complain, he needs to have a presence, not an absence, or he is setting you up to fail. It’s not sustainable to say, “Don’t do that. You need to do something. I don’t know what, but not that. No, not that. Not that, either.” That’s torture. It’ll make you feel gaslighted and like he’s trying to drive you literally insane.

    3. Cora*

      Clearly this is a very stressful time for both you and your husband. Both being the person having health issues, and being the spouse/caregiver are so hard. That being said, I think both of your reactions are very disproportionate to the situation. Your husband stewed for weeks over what you said in the surgeons office, and now you’re stewing over what he said to you? Counseling sounds like a good idea, and I would also recommend you both try to take some time and do something nice for yourselves, individually. Hopefully as he recovers things will settle down.
      You are not the worst person ever. I hope the individual counseling helps you as well.

    4. ValaMalDoran*

      You ARE NOT the worst human ever. You’re having a rough time, please be kind to yourself.

      The counseling together, and therapy for you are both very good things. Is your husband doing individual therapy? It sounds like it could be helpful.

      When my husband and I did marriage counseling a few years ago, I think the thing it helped us with the most was our communication. A big part of that was learning that we have to face/talk about the hard things, because otherwise things just get worse.

      Again, please be kind to yourself right now. And have a Jedi hug, if you’d like one.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      You sound exhausted from all the things you’ve been through. Being exhausted and discouraged/unsupported is going to make you feel awful. OF COURSE, you’re not a bad human being! You have nothing to berate yourself for.
      Your husband has a voice. He could have objected to the surgery. He didn’t. The doctor would not have done the surgery against your husband’s wishes. It’s done.
      I’m very glad you’re going to counseling. That’s a great place to unpack whatever is going on here. I suspect the problem is not about you “deciding” to do the surgery. I also think you need some recuperation time.
      Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

      PS My personal opinion on housework is if you live here, you help clean.
      PSS MRSA helped kill a relative of mine. Minimizing hospital visits by getting surgery gets my vote.

    6. tangerineRose*

      With some of this, it seems like he’s expecting you to read his mind. It sounds like you’re working very hard and not being appreciated. Counseling is a good idea.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Why is he angry with you instead of a surgeon? You said “let’s do that” and the surgeon should have replied something like “OK we know your vote. What’s the patient’s decision?”

      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, I’d like to know more about that situation; husband was clearly conscious and, even if in pain, of sound mind – surely the surgeon didn’t just leap up when JDC had hardly finished her sentence and immediately cut husband open then and there. I don’t know about other countries but here, there’s quite a bit of paperwork involved before a surgery and absent any outstanding circumstances like “unconsciousness” or “immediately life-threatening emergency”, the surgeon talks you through the procedure, the risks, etc. and there are several documents you have to sign, so husband could’ve interefered at any time if he felt that strongly about it.

    8. Not a cat*

      People who are in pain aren’t their best selves. And when dealing (caretaking) with them, sometimes we aren’t our best selves but that doesn’t mean we are targets, either. It’s not fair to you that he keeps a laundry list of slights/misdoings that he weaponizes when he’s ill. You most definitely are not the worst person ever.
      Sounds like you both brought baggage from the past and are reacting to it in the present. I think you should get some counseling for you, and then discuss with the counselor what your next steps with your partner should be.

      1. The Rat-Catcher*

        I agree with this. My husband had surgery last month and is not back to work yet. He doesn’t do well in pain and I am not a born caretaker. We are definitely arguing more than usual but we both acknowledge that the other is in a difficult spot right now – him because of the pain and the guilt of not being able to contribute, me because I am managing a Herculean amount of stuff right now.
        Maybe just give each other some grace right now and if troubling patterns still exist like his lack of contribution to any housework, address those later on. But this has to go both ways and he doesn’t get to tell you that you’re not doing enough when you’re doing everything.

    9. Koala dreams*

      It is difficult to take care of sick people if you don’t know what they want help with. Some people want to be left alone, some want help talking to the doctor, some just want sympathy. You did your best guess when your husband couldn’t tell you what he wanted. Be kind to yourself.

      The housekeeping would make me angry, though. People who don’t clean don’t get to have a say in the cleaning standards in my world. Of course, you might have other rules in your household.

    10. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      You are NOT the worst person. Not even a bad person.
      In fact, (you probably don’t remember my history, and I won’t go into it) – I highly recommend the counseling. You go, even if he doesn’t. You need to only own the things under your control, not his feelings, and I think the counseling – even if it is just you – will help you cope no matter what.

      Sending a hug… Not trying to add one more thing on at all, okay?

    11. Sue*

      He actually sounds like he’s trying to pick fights with you. I have no idea why, but it sounds like other things may be at play and he is lashing out inappropriately. Most people do not act this way just because they hurt physically.
      I agree with the comment about going alone to counseling. You need to unpack this burden he’s trying to place on you and see it for what it is.
      Also, I would rethink the stories he told you about his ex in light of his propensity to skew history. It may be that events were quite a lot different than he has related and rather than blaming you for his ex’s behavior, he is just carrying on with his same self-centered tendencies. Value yourself and take good care, you are obviously a caring and thoughtful person.

      1. Jdc*

        Thanks. I actually knew his ex before him. She really is a mess. He doesn’t speak poorly of her just has explained some scenarios. If anything I complain about her more (never pays on time, makes a point to book plane tickets at 3 am).

        He really doesn’t ever do this. I was in a bad relationship (not the ex i mentioned) and husband is so the opposite of that. He’s really not usually like this at all. I think that’s why I’m so in shock.

        I had appointment for therapy anyway, just because I wanted to (marriage, two moves, trying to get pregnant, new family, new stepson). No major problems but I just have been a bit exhausted with taking on so much.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          I’m sorry you’re hurting.

          I don’t want to comment on the full situation because there’s too much I have no expertise in, but I’ll simply ask you to remember in general that “nothing like my awful ex” isn’t the same as “perfect”.

          I went from a 90% a-hole to a maybe 30% a-hole, and thought I’d found a prince, because wow! look at the list of a-hole things he didn’t do!

          You don’t have to be grateful that your husband isn’t permanently awful to you. You do have the right to object to *any* awful behaviour, though you’re right to make allowances for pain/fear and human fallibility.

          I think the suggestions of individual therapy are great.

          Best of luck.

    12. LGC*

      Please don’t tell me I am the worst human ever. I really cannot take it and already feel so down on myself.

      Spoilers: you’re not. Far from it, in fact.

      Anyway, here’s my read. I’ll be honest, I started reading this and my thought was, “okay, your husband is being a jerk and he’s wrong, but also he went through a lot.” He had a traumatic experience – having his gallbladder removed in an emergency surgery, and it sounds like he’s a guy that really values his own agency – and I felt like he was reacting to the situation and took it out on you. (But I will say that you did everything right, it seems. Including deciding to approve removing his gallbladder.) Basically, this was bad, but didn’t ring that many alarm bells to me.

      And then I got to the end, where you wrote this (I bolded the really alarming things to me):

      This isn’t the first time he has said something about me not doing enough. I do 100% of everything for our household. He doesn’t even put a dish in the dishwasher. My house is ALWAYS spotless, always. I really am happy to but when I hear I don’t do enough, with this on top of it, I am beyond devastated.

      Okay, so – I’ll admit I’m just some random guy on a laptop reading this in his pajamas on a work advice blog’s weekend open thread. But that’s a really concerning pattern. To me, it reads as if you feel like whatever you do is never enough, and he knows that and is using that against you. I hope I’m misreading this (for your sake), but that’s how it comes across.

      On top of that:

      I also reminded him that when I needed stitches the other day I text him at work when the accident happened and he waited two hours until he got home to take me to the ER. My car was in the shop that day. I could’ve taken an Uber but it wasn’t insane bad so I waited, plus not sure an Uber would’ve been cool with me bleeding all over it. It was fine but Ya know, if he is saying I wasn’t taking care of him.

      This is…also alarming in a different way, since it reads as if he minimizes you and you also have started minimizing yourself.

      Again, full disclaimer – I’m going off of one comment, and I know I’m missing a ton of context here. But I’m in agreement with a lot of people in thinking that your husband comes off as…not valuing you, and intentionally putting you down in this post. And I think that’s a much bigger issue than what you did when he needed his gallbladder removed (which he probably did anyway). At the very least, I’d consider exploring that with friends, and maybe even a therapist if you can swing it. (I don’t know if I would go to couples counseling yet, or ever.)

      Also, because as an AAM commenter I’m obligated to note any hint of systemic sexism: men in general expect their SOs/loved ones to care for them hand and foot when they’re sick regardless of what they’re going through and that is frankly messed up. I’m thinking about the time you mentioned when you both had food poisoning and he said you didn’t take care of him well enough when he was sick. Or, in other words, he expected you to take care of him even while you were very sick yourself – and I’m guessing he didn’t take care of you when you got sick before him (you know, because this is the same guy that waited two hours to drive you to the ER to get stitches).

      1. Reba*

        I agree with this read! I know you love this man, JDC, and we shall presume that he has many sparkling good qualities…

        But he sounds like he expects you to be Wife, Mother/Nanny/Servant, Mindreader, and above all else a Robot with no needs or feelings of her own that he would ever have to step up to deal with. He is selfish. Or at least not emotionally present and generous.

        This is particularly clear to me because I once had an exact like twin experience where I needed stitches and couldn’t drive myself. (Ultimately it was a very minor wound, sustained in the kitchen but it bled a lot so I was kinda freaked.) My spouse was on a work call at that moment, working from home. I barely even spoke, just called quietly, “Uh, honey, I’m bleeding!” He ended that call immediately, and took me straight to urgent care.

        No fuss. No minimizing my pain. No bean-counting — he didn’t make me feel like I owed him anything for this gesture of care, another undercurrent I’m picking up in the letter.

        He is your spouse, he should *want* to care for you.

        I’d get into therapy and talk about that. Why did it feel normal to you to be the one doing ALL the work and all the giving? And what might be changing so that you no longer feel that is normal or ok?

        Good luck and best wishes for clarifying and healing therapy sessions.

    13. Earthwalker*

      Sounds like your husband’s body betrayed him, and he hurts, and he’s taking it all out on you. Please don’t give in to guilt. Even if he says that you didn’t do the right thing for him, this time or some other time before, he could be entirely wrong about that. You did your best and perhaps you did exactly the right thing. You just couldn’t save him from being sick and scared – no one could – and he’s upset. His anger isn’t necessarily about you at all. Sending good thoughts your way.

    14. Jdc*

      Thanks for all the comments. I really am not defending him, I’m not happy with his behavior at all, but I was trying to make sure he wasn’t portrayed in an awful light because he’s lovely. We all have good and bad and aren’t perfect but he’s a decent one. I spoke to my mom about it and she of course takes me side ( cause moms have to ha) but mentions that I can sometimes be a bit cold and abrupt and perhaps that happened at the wrong time. She’s probably right about that.

      I also agree and dislike that men (not to be sexist but my experience) tend to expect to be cared for when ill to a frustrating degree, as a commenter mentioned. I’m sure not all are that way but i really haven’t met one yet.

      He has been so amazing with some health issues I’ve had though. Most people have actually yelled at me saying it’s in my head, heck my mom did once (apologized immediately and still feels bad) but he’s been by my side and that support has made a lot of progress for me from feeling safe that I’m helped when needed to tagging along to countless doctors appointments with me. I do know he cares about my well being.

      We have a nice marriage but like anyone’s there’s are some difficulties, especially combining lives, his children, a new state. Normal things that make life stressful sometimes.

      At the end of the day he is always open to working on things and that is what is important. As am I.

      I appreciate being allowed to vent a bit. I think it can be a good thing to get your feelings out and sort through them a bit before you have a high stakes conversation with someone…especially my crazy Italian self who with age has learned to sit back and chill out a bit before I react.

      The comments have really helped me feel supported and allowed me to think more. Thank you all.

      And on a positive note, his healing is going very well, it’s a lovely rainy weekend, which I adore as I deeply deeply hate heat and I get to look forward to yummy Sunday breakfast he makes me every weekend. Mmmm. Today I am going to put some things on eBay as my closet is becoming ridiculous, especially with having to load up on more winter clothes upon moving from CA to the Midwest. Also set up my new MacBook as I had to replace mine due to it being too old. I’m staring at this gorgeous rose gold MacBook Air. So fun. And free beats headphones with it so the kids Xmas gift is solved and free. Wohoo.

  14. Loopy*

    We are looking at taking a vacation in early Dec (around Dec 3-12 timeframe) and thinking London/Paris, but may consider other European countries (we are booking pretty darn late but that’s another story). I’m wondering how Christmasy major cities get around then- if there’s holiday festivities at all? I would love to experience some of the country specific traditions of the holiday season but don’t know how early and how prevalent (not sure that’s the right word I’m looking for?) they are. Can anyone shed light on this?

    I mean….our local Costco already has xmas trees up, so I’m pretty sure the USA is way ahead (TOO AHEAD) on the timing for every holiday ever.

    1. Future mum*

      Cant speak for Paris. But for London Oxford Street will have its Christmas lights up and there will be trees and stuff.

      It also becomes insanely busy in december. Beyond that it depends on what you are interested in. Harry Potter has a winter tour.

    2. londonedit*

      London will be very busy in the touristy areas (insert my usual impassioned plea to please visit more than Oxford Street and Leicester Square, they’re not real London!) but we have lovely festive things like Christmas lights on all the main shopping streets, and pop-up ice skating rinks at landmarks around the city in November/December, which are fab (especially Somerset House and – a little outside London but easy by train – Hampton Court Palace). Places like Chiswick House and Kew Gardens usually do a winter light installation which is lovely to visit when it’s dark. There are also Christmas concerts at the Royal Albert Hall in December.

      1. londonedit*

        Oh and there’s the huge Hyde Park Winter Wonderland which has Christmas market stalls, festive food and drinks, an ice bar, fairground rides, ice skating, etc etc. You buy general entrance tickets and then things like the ice bar/skating/shows are extra. Again it can get busy but if you can visit during the week or in the daytime then it won’t be as busy as the weekends.

        1. Ra94*

          Unless they’ve changed it, Winter Wonderland is actually free for general admission, and then all the activities cost money. Lots of cheap student dates spent wandering around, not spending any money!

      2. Charlotte*

        Oxford street and Leicester Square are as much ‘London’ as your favour pub or whatever. You don’t get to decide what’s ‘real’.

        Having said that, I very rarely ever go there because of of the size/volume of tourists.

        2. londonedit*

          All I’m saying is that I hate it when people go to London and don’t explore beyond the tourist traps. Then they complain that it’s overcrowded/expensive/etc etc. There is so much more to the beautiful city I live in than Oxford Street and I encourage anyone who visits to go and see more of what the locals see.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            I’m a tourist when I go to London and I agree with you. I feel the same way about Times Square and 34th St in NYC– they have their place, but if you’re looking to truly experience New York, venture further.

          2. Parenthetically*

            I’ve only been to London twice and I absolutely agree with you. There are so many amazing things in London that tourists never get to see because they’re busy ticking things off a list of “sites.” Sprint to Tower Bridge, make peace sign for camera, sprint to Globe Theatre, etc.

    3. Akcipitrokulo*

      Glasgow And Edinbutgh both have christmas markets, and Glasgow usually has ice rink in george square.

      For traditions… Edinburgh does massive hogmany party (ticketed, make sure you have accomodation or transport sorted which will be pricey) and Glasgow has the irn bru carnival (huge indoor funfair) and hogmany party out west end.

    4. OpinionsGalore*

      German cities and many Nordic countries often have Christmas markets. They should be open by then. Of course the farther North you go, the darker it’ll be – but all the better to see the lights? Enjoy!

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        If you’re already in the UK, most cities will have Christmas markets throughout December. Honourable mention to Manchester and Birmingham, but any. They’re often billed as European Christmas markets and attract stall holders from all over the continent, so you’ll be buying Belgian chocolate next to French cheese, with paella being freshly cooked on a six-foot pan only metres away, and a mug of Gluhwein to wash it down.

      2. YetAnotherUsername*

        It’s true that most countries are trying to do Christmas fairs now, but the German / Austrian / Swiss ones are the original and best. Look up Christmas markets and do a bit of research on which to go to. My country does Christmas fairs too but they are not a patch on the German ones!

        1. Parenthetically*

          I would 100% go for an Austrian or German Christmas market as the main focus if I were heading to Europe in the winter. They are magical.

        2. Paris-Berlin-Seoul Express*

          Strasbourg has the most beautiful Christmas market I’ve ever been to. It’s actually several markets strewn throughout the downtown area. Well worth the trip.
          We’re actually heading to Hamburg for the Advent season to do a tour of the Christmas markets in Northern Germany. I’m currently living in South Korea where Christmas is not really a big deal so I’m hoping to soak up a bit of Christmas spirit to take back with me.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            My household”s K-Pop fan is envious. (She’s going so far as to start learning Korean through a website.)

      3. Knitter*

        I spent a couple of weeks in the Netherlands/Belgium in early December years ago then went to London. Bruges was the best.

    5. Almost Violet Miller*

      I’ve been to the Christmas markets in Vienna, Budapest, and Prague, and all were lovely. Vienna gets a bit touristy for me but the other two are really nice. Bonus for Budapest that you can warm up in a Turkish spa after shopping around.

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      That time in London isn’t too bad, although be aware that it is Holiday Party Season – and I mean they go for it here, its a good three weeks long full of office and friend parties and lunches/get togethers. So there will be a lot of people dressed up and wandering around, or really full restaurants/pubs if they have been booked for groups. The weather will be pretty atmospheric, and if you get off the beaten path, its possible to find some really cozy local pubs to laze away an afternoon with real fire in the fireplace and years-old tinsel streamers up. For us thats The Lord Clyde in Borough (then a trip to the nearby Gladstone for their homemade Indian pies) or Town of Ramsgate in Wapping (The landlady’s son does all the decorating and he does a immense job. Last year the place looked like the inside of a disco ball). But yeah,have to get out of central as a lot of it is very much ‘for tourists’ (including those from the UK who come to the city for holiday shopping and to see a show).

      I’m not sure there are necessarily different traditions here to the US that would warrant a separate stop, however, but I bet the markets in Belgium would be glorious to see (maybe in Bruges) or maybe Prague could be a option?

    7. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

      I just booked a trip from the US to London, Luxembourg, and Brussels for mid-December, and I’m super excited about the Christmas markets in all three cities! Luxembourg also does something called “Winterlights”.

      So while I can’t give you any first-hand info this year, know that both Luxembourg City and Brussels also have special events/markets then.

    8. Loopy*

      Thanks to everyone! It looks like London and Paris are fairly locked in because we want to hit two countries with the smallest, easiest amount of travel time in between. The rail between the two countries makes it very appealing just from logistics standpoint!!! I’m excited there will be christmas-y things. I did want to hit Germany for their Christmas markets but it’s not going to work out this trip :( We only have a week *cringe*. Even splitting between two countries in a week is probably…..not advisable.

      I live in a tourist city and often times I know it can be hard to see people staying on one or two streets and eating at what I think are overrated tourist traps… but as a tourist I also appreciate walkable areas, and ease. It’s a vacation, so I dont want to stress myself out too much by trying to go too far or reach areas not easily accesible without a car. Yes, I know it’s missing great things, but there’s a trade off? That being said, I realize these cities probably have better public transportation- at least London. My home city has nooooooothing.

      It can be overwhelming to navigate and plan and I’m already overwhelmed since we switched to a more built-it-yourself trip.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        London’s public transport is pretty incredible tbf – especially the central tourist parts. If your debit/credit card has contactless technology then you will never need to stop to buy tickets, just tap in/out. The system automatically caps your daily spend at around the cost of a sandwich and coffee so it’s very reasonable. If you don’t have contactless then you pick up an Oyster card each at the beginning of your stay, and load it up as necessary.

        I highly recommend taking a boat in the dark in London – there are some that are part of the “underground” network so you don’t need to add much to your costs. Very restful, and you really get a feel for the rhythm of the city longer term.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Eurostar will go through to Belgium though, so its still a option if you don’t want to do Paris.

    9. Incantanto*

      London will be v christmassy. The market on the south bank is usually good, and theres a big thing in hyde park which is expensive but fun.
      If you do England and want christmassy its worth taking a day trip by train (c1.5h each way, regular direct trains from paddington) to Bath, which has an amazing chrostmas market (and really gorgeous city to explore, with a huge cathedral, and baths dating from roman times.)

      If you want “christmas in europe” though you should go to germany. Go to berlin or hambirg or Koln and its proper delightful. Especially if you like sausages. And decent beer. And gluhwein

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Seconding the German Christmas market suggestions! Köln is a classic.

        I also want to suggest Belgium for smaller but more artsy/ historical vibes. Bruges has an ice rink and is super beautiful. Ghent is hella cosy, and though best known for the summer festival, has an excellent winter holidays festival as well. And it is the best town. Just my opinion/ the objective universal truth.

    10. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Christmas markets in France usually open 4 to 5 weeks before Christmas, so you should be fine in your time window.
      I don’t know Paris very well, so I don’t know of any special Christmas traditions there. For the holiday spirit, the best Christmas markets in the country are in Strasbourg and its region, and Strasbourg can be reached from Paris in 2 hours by train. Also, Lyon (also 2 hours from Paris in another direction) hosts the Fête des Lumières during that timeframe.

  15. Angwyshaunce*

    Silly cat quirks – who wants to share?

    When mine drinks water from his fountain, he first likes to dip his front paws in and swipe them back and forth on the floor a few times. Then I guess he’s ready to drink.

    When he’s done and walks away, he leaves a trail of little wet paw prints in his wake.

    I don’t know why his beans need to be moist before he drinks, but apparently it’s important.

    1. JDC*

      Do cats hydrate through their paws? I learned some dogs do but don’t know much about cats. Hence why some dogs will basically stand in their water dish, which was super fun to clean up when my dog used to do that.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Husband has two cats. One thinks she’s one of the dogs – lines up with them at meal times and outside times – and regularly loses fights with her toys, her paws and the floor. She also regularly takes headers off the coffee table and literally drops herself on her head. Huge stoner – she gets het up on catnip and walks around the house with a catnip mouse in her mouth, hollering to beat the band and walking into walls.

      The other is a giant chicken and flees from people anywhere outside of my husband’s office, but in the office, demands (and enjoys, no trap) belly rubs. I also catch her giving her catnip mice swimming lessons in the communal water bowl. She gets really frustrated when it doesn’t work and leaves them in there to drown.

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      My cat will walk under the coffee table and BONK knock her head on the apron going in, and BONK knock her head on the apron going out.

      She’ll also stand on her hind legs with her front paws on the cabinet when we prep her wet food if we ask her to “help.”

    4. Zephy*

      Our new kitten has appointed himself the Bathroom Monitor. Nobody pees alone, not even the other cat. He’ll follow us in there and hang out, or try to dig on the outside of the litterbox…to help…the other cat…bury it? Not sure what he’s doing but he seems to take his Bathroom Monitor duties very seriously. If we manage to get into the bathroom and close the door before he makes it inside with us, he’ll be right outside without fail when we leave, running in to see what he missed. Same with showers, too. He likes to go into the shower after we’ve bathed and lick the walls, because he nasty.

      He’s also still a little too smol to get up to the pass-thru/breakfast bar in the kitchen, where the big cat likes to hang out and watch me cook. He probably physically can get up there, he just hasn’t figured it out yet. So, instead, he’ll wander into the kitchen and scream until I pick him up so he can see what I’m doing. He’s similarly curious about the washer/dryer unit (I have one of those stacked units with a washer on the bottom and dryer up top, it lives in a closet in my apartment), and will wander over while I’m loading clothes and scream until I pick him up.

    5. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      When my husband gets out of the shower, our cat decided that’s his brushing time, whether hubby is dry or not. He will literally pull the towel off of him as if to say, “yeah, you’re done, it’s me time.”

      1. Door Guy*

        Our kitty is fascinated with anything going on in our bathroom. He has gotten peed on several times because he will do a running flying leap and then straddle the bowl. He also likes to go between the shower curtain and liner and walk around the tub rim while you’re in the shower.

    6. Come On Eileen*

      I have two cats, one of which appears to be hard of smelling. Meaning she only responds to really intense clean smells or really intense dirty smells. She will run into the kitchen whenever I use cleaning products and start sniffing the floor. She also runs over and sticks her nose into my sweaty shoes when I return home from a run. It’s adorable.

      1. Jax*

        Ha! Now, I have a cat with superhero smelling ability. I can merely insert my can opener into a can of tuna — not even start turning it — and my cat will yeowl from the other room and come running.

    7. Blarg*

      – drinks out of the toilet but when I catch her she looks up with this guilty face as though she’s done something wrong. Hilarious.
      – likes to sit on the edge of the tub when I shower, like she’s taking a steam
      – canned mushrooms are the only food she will take off my fork, whether I want to share or not. They are her favorite. I have no idea why.
      – still kneads me and chews on my hair like she’s a kitten. For the last 16 years.
      – nose turns bright pink when she’s super happy.

      1. not Lynn Davis*

        Our vet recently explained that our cat’s nose was bright pink because her blood pressure was up (from being in the scary vet office!). Sure enough, now that I’m paying attention, it’s palest pink when sleeping and darkest when scared.

    8. cat socks*

      My tabby girl passed away in February, but she loved shoes – the stinkier the better. When I got home from work and kicked off my shoes I could guarantee she would walk over to cuddle up with them. It was always great fun when people came over because it meant “new” shoes!

      My newest rescue talks all the time. He is always talking and chirping. He also loves bathing the other cats. If someone is just laying around he will walk over and start licking them. Sometimes the others don’t like it and he’ll get a smack, but it doesn’t seem to phase him.

    9. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Our boy does the water thing too – he looooovveess to play with his water bowl and slosh it around before he drinks.

      Girl cat gets the zoomies before she needs to poop. Just starts running all over the house, banking off walls, hiding behind doors, essentially becoming Parkour Kitty. Then she uses the box and voila! back to calm, but not before she has dug to China in covering.

      1. Jax*

        LOL at “parkour kitty” and again at “dug to China.”

        (I too have a cat that spends an absurd amount of digging in the litter box. I keep the boxes clean, it must just be a cat thing with her. In fact I finally bought lids so she basically has litter box houses to somewhat contain all her digging and litter tossing.)

    10. KR*

      My cat loves to drink out of my glass or my water cup even though hers is fresh and full and right there. She also loves q-tips and picks them out of the trash, hiding them in various places around the house.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        We have two that will lick a wet bathtub, drink out of water glasses left unattended (that was an unpleasant surprise to walk in on, so we don’t leave those out anymore), and out of the toilet on the rare occasion a lid is left up. Fresh water is always available in their own bowls, they just prefer variety, I guess!

    11. Door Guy*

      My younger cat will only drink out of the dogs water dish. We have separate (shorter) bowls out for our 2 cats, and I’ve NEVER seen this one drink from their dish. Our dogs dish isn’t even sitting on the ground, it’s in one of those holders that raises it up about 6 inches alongside the food dish.

      Doesn’t stop Olaf, he’s forever jumping up, contorting himself to keep his footing without stepping in either bowl, and drinking from that dish.

    12. PseudoMona*

      My kitty prefers to sleep curled up next to my head. This works in bed, but doesn’t work if I fall asleep on my small couch. So, if I do fall asleep on the couch, she will meow and paw at me until I wake up and move to the bed.

      If I ignore her suggestion, she’ll be in a grumpy mood the following day.

    13. PhyllisB*

      I used to have a cat who liked to sit on the side of the tub while I took my bath and swipe water droplets with her paw. I kept telling her she was going to fall in one day. Well, sure enough, one day she did. She jumped straight up out of the water like one of those cartoon cats and wheeled out of the bathroom. (Good thing the bathroom door was open. Had small child asleep and wanted to be able to listen out.) She dove under our bed and we didn’t see her until the next day. Was about two months before she did that again.

      1. Not a cat*

        My roommate’s cat rotates who he sleeps with. It changes every few weeks. And he knows how to open the bedroom door, even if you don’t want to let him in. Determination, thy name is Norman.

    14. Queer Earthling*

      Percy likes to open doors, and he’s annoyingly good at it, although he always seems surprised when it works. He also doesn’t understand what food is. He gets that the kibble in his bowl is food, but kibble anywhere else? Probably not food. Treats? Definitely not food. Wet food? Only if there’s gravy, otherwise, it’s Not Food.

      Hennessey likes to yell at people, especially if they aren’t currently petting him. He also gets very jealous if you pay attention to the other cat, or another human. My partner has to kiss him goodnight when they kiss their other partner goodnight, or Hennessey gets mad. So funny.

      1. CallofDewey*

        My cat does the same thing! If it’s not regular dry food in a bowl or a tortilla chip in my hand, it’s not food.

    15. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My cat insists on pawing at the floor like a bull when drinking water. We refer to this as “Ferdinanding” after the chilcren’s Book, Ferdinand the Bull.

      My late, great kitty head-butted things and people. Doing this to people made sense, as she was requesting attention (and a lap). But, she would also get up on the couch and head-butt the back cushions repeatedly before settling down. She had some delightful quirks.

    16. North Wind*

      Not sure if anyone has mentioned it, but one theory about the pawing of water is to do with cats preferring moving water. http://www.vetstreet.com/our-pet-experts/why-does-my-cat-paw-at-her-water-dish

      My cat has so many sweet habits. I usually get up quite early in the morning to very blearily feed my cat, and then go back to bed. She always comes to me after eating, gets my attention, stares very intently at me and purrs as loud as she can. After a minute or two of this she curls up and snuggles and I (usually) get a bit more sleep in. I’m convinced that.. even if she isn’t quite thanking me for breakfast, she at least wants to communicate/share with me how happy and pleasureful she is feeling.

    17. Zona the Great*

      Mine decides she wants fresh water at 4 am and dumps her old no matter how heavy the dish and drags it across the tile floor to wake me up and get fresh water. She also loves my *used* earplugs and plays fetch like a dog with them. She runs around the house with them hanging out of her mouth like a cigar. She even knows where they come from in my head and paws at my ears when she’s ready to play in the morning. It’s super gross but hilarious.

    18. Lcsa99*

      We have stools, just little storage cubes that we keep around the coffee table that both cats love sitting on. Our cats are on the large side, but they can both fit on the cubes easily, however one of our cats likes to lounge on them half hanging off them. His head will hang off, or he’ll have everything on except his two front paws which will be braced on the coffee table. It’s hard to describe but he looks so weird!

      Our other cat has supersonic hearing specifically for their brush. He can be fast asleep in the other room and if we start brushing the cat who likes to hang off the cube, he will come running. And the funniest part is that the cube cat likes his space and can get overwhelmed when we’re brushing him. So we’ll start brushing cube cat, this cat will come running and try to bogart the brushes, cube cat will wander away while making it obvious that he still wants attention so we have to follow him and keep brushing him and this cat will follow. It is hilarious to watch.

    19. MsChanandlerBong*

      One of my cats will only drink from the bathtub. Not a bowl, not the $40 pet fountain we bought him. The bathtub faucet.

    20. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I have a foster kitty (hospice foster) who apparently failed a few How to Cat lessons. One of which was how to rub on people/things affectionately with your cheek. He uses his chin, and he’s a drooler too. Honestly, kinda gross.

    21. Dancing Otter*

      I used to have a Siamese that liked to dunk her kibble in the water bowl before eating it. Her teeth were fine — she may have suspected us of putting brewers yeast on the food again (the vet said it would be good for her coat), but other than that I never knew why she did it. Maybe she watched too many nature documentaries about raccoons.
      She would also steal sips of orange juice, but only if she thought we weren’t looking.

      My current cats are very different sizes: a 7-pound female and a 12-pound male. They have a two-level cat tree with large and small perches. The big boy insists on squeezing himself into the small top perch, where he has to scrunch himself into a tight ball or leave extremities sticking over the sides. Meanwhile, little Gracie Gingerpuff is either sprawled out or curled into half of the lower perch.

    22. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Our two cats are obsessed with bubbles! The funny thing is, they don’t *do* anything when we actually blow the bubbles. They don’t chase them or bat at them or anything. They just stare at them dumbly, eyes wide open. One of them will clean himself obsessively if a bubble comes even close to him. And they wait for us to blow them, every night, and meow at us in protest if we don’t.

    23. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      They’ll also meow in protest if we don’t open our bedroom closet doors before we go to bed, even though they don’t play in the closets or anything.

      1. PseudoMona*

        They are checking for monsters in the closet. They want to make sure you are safe and sound, and still alive to feed them breakfast in the morning.

    24. North Wind*

      I love this thread, reading all your cute cat stories.

      Another thing – my cat likes to watch YouTube videos of close-ups of birds and squirrels. There’s a channel by Paul Dinning and he posts lots of these. Her length of attention span is just amazing. When she’s in a super snuggly mood I’ll put a video on my tablet for her to watch while she sits with me.

      1. Lcsa99*

        My cat likes watching tiny kittens! I put it on the big tv once and he was so confused trying to play with them and going behind the tv to try to find them.

    25. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Our dearly departed b&w shorthair used to eschew comfortable beds for all manner of peculiar sleeping spots. So far so feline. But in particular…

      … on the Lego.
      … on any plastic bag, preferably stiff and scrunched up.

      His survivor brother doesn’t have any odd habits that spring to mind except liking to be squashed when you snuggle him. He was the runt of the litter and I think got used to not quite enough space as a kitten. He’ll mash his face into the crook of your arm, or your armpit, when he comes for loves.

    26. Square Root Of Minus One*

      She drinks from a glass. MUCH better than any bowl.
      She wants to oversee people in the bathroom. God forbid she might be watched, though.
      She adores green beans, lettuce, zucchini and a few other things not always good for cats. And bread is the best ever. And vanilla ice cream. Talk about a meat eater…

    27. Vincaminor*

      Every morning and evening, when I open the plastic bin that the dogs’ food lives in, Alexander the kitten comes running. He balances on the rim of the bin, waits for me to measure out the first scoop into a bowl, and selects a single kibble. Then he jumps down to munch that on the doormat while I measure out the rest of the food.

      (He’s only four months old, so this looks a lot like a human running off with a demi-baguette held sideways in their teeth.)

      A previous cat just loooved being vacuumed. I’d put the dusting brush on and set it for upholstery, and he’d got nuts trying to make sure he got vacuumed all over.

    28. Bilateralrope*

      One of my parents cats would insist on being carried from their bed before being shut in the kitchen at night. If he wasn’t on their bed when they went to bed, he would howl until they let him run to the bed so they could carry him to the kitchen.
      Another one liked to sleep under pillows or bed covers. Some mornings she would wake me by climbing into my bed, then happy claws into the back of my knee.

      Their current cat will fight other cats outside. But, if they come inside and eat her food, she just watches. Then complains about her empty bowl.

      The work cat only flexes her back claws when she is happy and on someone’s lap. Not the front ones like most cats.

      Finally there is my flatemates cat. Somehow they trained her not to poop on the floor so, when she cant get outside, she poops on a rug in the bathroom. Recently they had to keep her in one room due to injury. She protested by pooping in her own water bowl.

      1. Bilateralrope*

        I forgot about the bus stop cat. One evening I was waiting for the bus at a bus stop I don’t normally use. A large cat just came up and went straight to sitting on my lap.

    29. Arts Akimbo*

      My male cat felt it was his sovereign right to be in any room, at any time, ever. Sometimes, though, his humans wanted privacy! For human-based fun. Well, he thought very little of this, this shutting-out-cats behavior, and he found a novel form of protest. He figured out that if he reached his paw under the door quite far, he could hook it around the spring doorstop. Now, those things are on a stiff spring, and thus make THE MOST UNGODLY LOUD twanging sound when flicked back and forth by an annoyed cat. So Spouse and I would be having private time, then we would hear “Meow. Meaaaaow. Meeeoooooooowwwww. TWANG TWANG TWANG TWANG TWANG”

      We discovered later that if we just kept the door closed but ajar during private time, he left us completely alone! The little fur fiend! x-D

  16. Sled dog mama*

    Just a small rant: MIL has been visiting this week, mostly she’s been great, brought things to occupy herself while little one is at school. Yesterday she decided that she had to wash the windows, which would be fine except now they are streaky. They had no streaks before. I have to work this weekend (why she decided this would be a nice thing to do) so I don’t have time to rewash all my windows until next weekend.
    I have also realized why hubby is not at all bothered by streaky car windows.

    1. fposte*

      Sorry for the frustration, but I’m going to grab the tangent. The inside of my car windshield gets schmutzy (apparently a known thing with some car models), and I can’t ever manage washing it without getting streaks. What’s the secret?

      1. peanut*

        We watched a video on this recently. There are three steps to cleaning the *inside* of a windshield, if I remember correctly.

        1. Wipe with a dry microfiber cloth.
        2. Wipe with rubbing alcohol and a microfiber cloth. This is what will cut the streaks on the inside, which are caused by off-gassing from the plastic on the dashboard. If any alcohol spills on the dash while you’re cleaning the inside of the windshield, wipe it off immediately as it could damage the dash.
        3. Wipe with windex and microfiber cloth.

        Unfortunately I can’t tell you if this works because I got mixed up with steps 2 and 3 and skipped the rubbing alcohol but immediately wiped up any Windex on the dash. Oops.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, is offgassing what causes it? That’s interesting; I guess it makes sense that that could go on for a long time with the heat and sun exposure there. I will try the microfiber and rubbing alcohol trick–thanks!

          1. Filosofickle*

            Yeah, off-gassing. I had a truck once where someone used Armor-all on the dash and it released glass-schmutzing fumes for YEARS. (It was in the desert, so endless heat to activate compounds.) Peanut’s advice is solid — need to cut that film with something like vinegar, alcohol, etc.

              1. Filosofickle*

                I suspect it was some really weird vortex of Armor All + that particular dash + desert, because lots of people seem to use that product without a problem. If you’re not getting the glass film, there may be no reason to stop using something that’s working for you.

      2. Anono-me*

        Car window streaks.

        We use Sprayaway World’s Best Glass Cleaner. And when we can, we leave the windows open just a little bit, especially when it is hot. It seems to help keep the offgasing down.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I had plans to give myself a car detailing this year, but my daughter went and did homework in the car with bare feet at the end of the school year, and she left a footprint the inside of the front window. I’ve been cleaning around it myself, the patch is starting to get to be annoying. But the footprint makes me grin.

      4. SpellingBee*

        Here’s our method, which we learned by watching the super car wash guys in California. Completely soak a microfiber cloth in windex or windex-analog and then wring it out so it’s only just damp. Use that first to wipe the glass and then buff with a dry microfiber cloth. I usually do 1/3 to 1/2 of the windshield at a time, which is a more manageable area for me. Don’t try to clean it when it’s really hot out, as the windex will dry too quickly and can’t do its job. If it’s really grungy you may have to go over it twice, but usually one go is enough.

  17. Call me St. Vincent*

    We may be moving to Chattanooga, Tennessee for my husband’s job. For reference, we currently live in New England. Any Chattanooga folks on here that can tell us what the city is like? My husband interviewed and loved it and we are going down together in the next month. The thing is we will have to make a decision about this job after this one visit. As cool as Chattanooga seems, I’m worried about truly getting a sense of the city in just a four day visit! Any feedback on the city would be awesome. Also if anyone has moved somewhere before without really knowing the city, any tips on how to evaluate things would be great. We already looked at the schools, religious stuff, etc and are happy with the choices, so that’s good. The job itself would be great and the employment options for me are actually quite good. Thanks in advance guys!

    1. Anona*

      I have family that live kinda near there, but you’ll definitely be in the south, which is a big shift from New England, culture wise. Church is a big source of community for many, and politics will generally be on the conservative side. Others can probably point out more things. Good luck!

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks! Yeah this was a little bit of a concern regarding church stuff. That is somewhat the reality here in New England too. A lot of stuff centers around church here as well. We are Jewish, but there seems to be a vibrant Jewish community in Chattanooga. We are planning to visit the two major synagogues down there when we go to feel it out.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          We moved from NYC to a city in the south to DC, and I will say that I miss the tightness of our Southern Jewish community. We were lucky to find a synagogue that aligned with our tastes, and there was definitely a sense of “we stick together and welcome new people.” Not everyone felt that way, but most did. There were a lot of people who kind of returned to Judaism in a way, and more Jews by Choice than I knew growing up in my massive, old-school Jewish community. So we loved it. My partner converted there. My boss doesn’t practice at all, but he joined because he felt it was important to support the community. We were also, as a community, VERY involved in interfaith outreach.

          I don’t know if Chattanooga is similar, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is.

          1. Call me St. Vincent*

            This is so helpful! Thank you so much! I get the sense that the community there is very tight, which is kind of exciting :). The synagogues have been there since the 1800’s which is very neat.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        Church in the south means it’s easy to get anything you want done on Sunday mornings and Wednesday night. :)

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      What are the things you love about your current location? Proximity to ___? Availability of _____? What things are in your regular routine? Eating out/hiking/live theater/opera/musical performances/sports ball/water stuff/etc. Are those things which you really love happening/available in your new area? If, say you are an avid surfer your life would change (we moved from Hawaii to VA).

      The Smokey Mountains are beautiful and you are close for weekend trips to all sorts of places! Good luck and happy decision making :)

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks! Chattanooga is more urban than where we are now, but that isn’t a bad thing for us. There are also similar style suburbs to where we currently live. We are going to check out both areas :)

    3. Chatt*

      Hello! Chattanooga person here! I moved here in 2012 from a larger but more suburban area. I really love it.

      I would say the major downside is that there is still a small-town feel to the city ; it can be a “who am I going to run into at Publix today?” thing, which is manageable, but people also still REALLY care about what private high school you went to. And depending on what industry you/your husband are in, those can also be very everyone-knows-everyone, which I find exhausting. Also if you decided to live on one of the mountains, that is a whole other world I can’t speak to.

      But the plus side is that there is SO much to do, and because it’s a smaller city, it feels more manageable. When I lived somewhere bigger, I felt like I was always taking the culture and evnets around me for granted because there was too much for me to ever experience it all. Here, I love that I can regularly go to the art museum, I can be a season ticket holder for our local soccer team (Chattanooga FC, NOT the Red Wolves (long, very contentious story)), I can get to a book signing after work because I don’t have to drive for 30 minutes. It doesn’t feel like a chore to get involved.

      Also, the food, omg we have really good food. It is so easy to eat at really good, locally-owned restaurants. I moved away for a bit for grad school, and that was what I missed the most.

    4. From Knoxville*

      I live in Knoxville, which is 90 minutes north of Chattanooga. (Regular commenter going anon b/c I don’t want my real-life location linked w/ my pseudonym).

      Chatt’s nice. Right on the interstate, a couple hours north of Atlanta for easy access in/out of the area (fly back to NE for a visit). If you’re at all outdoorsy, this is a great place to live; the Smokies are Right. There. and there’s lots of places to bike, run, kayak, etc. The South is indeed hot and humid. It’s going to be 90 again today, even though it’s almost October; I’ve lived here for more than a year and still have not gotten used to this. In the fall, “culture” means “college football”.

      Yes, people are more conservative; the churches are HUGE, and Tennessee is apparently the third most religious state in the nation but generally, people won’t be up in your business about this. I’ve found people to be fairly reserved in talking about personal things.

      Good luck with the decision!

    5. Katefish*

      I’ve never lived in either of your geographic locations, but have made many long-distance moves. One thing that’s helpful is to expect to feel disoriented and lonely for a long period of time, particularly with a move to somewhere with drastically different weather and culture. That might sound like a downer, but it’s really not–my life has been so deeply enriched by my wanderings, and I’m slowly but surely making friends in Location #5. It’s just a reminder to be patient with yourself when you can’t find doctor/grocery/coffee shop/work/local friend/rhythm etc. from memory for a period of time after the move.

    6. Parenthetically*

      It’s SO beautiful, gosh. And proximate to so many incredible and under-visited parts of the US — and you’re less than 2 hours from Great Smoky Mountains National Park, one of my favorite places on earth.

    7. Tort-ally HareBrained*

      I have friends that were ready to move out of their area so they bought an RV and traveled the country for a year looking for their next community. They settled into Chattanooga because it seemed to fit the right mix of urban/low key they were looking for.

  18. CoffeeforLife*

    We get our new foster doogo today! She’s such a sweetie and I know she will be adopted quickly. Our last one was only with us a month!

    Our dog forgets how to “dog” and having another one in the house helps her anxiety and mood.

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      We got her! She had puppies about a month ago (she’s almost 1 year old) and I think she’s just happy to have some peace and quiet! She’s been sleeping mostly :)

      1. Venus*

        I find that all my fosters sleep when they first arrive. It`s like they can finally take a moment that isn`t stressful to get some good rest. Good luck with her!

  19. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Mostly e-mail writing for me this week: gotta get to writing my bachelorpaper and hoo boy, that’s gonna be a doozy. Especially considering I found not one but two possible promotors willing to let me work on video games, so now I’m also probably gonna have to choose between them.
    So yeah, most of my writing updates for the academic year will probably be about that. Heh.

    2. Kalico*

      I finally have something to report! I started a new novel a few weeks ago, and have been able to write three days a week on it. This is major, because since I finished my dissertation in 2017 I haven’t been able to write much of anything except some blog posts and a few new chapters on an old novel I quickly gave up on. My goal is a sustainable habit of regular writing on the novel, and one blog post a week. It feels very, very good to be back at it.

    4. anonagain*

      I’ve not been writing much lately, but I have a project for the next couple weeks. It’s actually finishing up a project I was working on before. I need to remind myself that that it’s not as bad as I’ve built it up in my head.

    5. myug*

      Saw a funny little image where a knight (writer) is presenting a monster (WIP) a sword (an offering of 50 words) and that sums up my writing lately, lol!

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I submitted Tunerville to Pitch Wars.

      There’s a six-week reading period, so while I’m waiting to see if I get a mentor I can start something else. Whether I finish the trilogy or not (I’d like to, since I know what happens all the way through, mostly), this is the last time I’m doing anything with it. Maybe if I become famous for another book (haha) then I can publish it when people are begging for every last bit of content I’ve ever produced.

  20. Overeducated*

    I posted a few weeks ago about discovering my local Buy Nothing group. There has been drama! The leaders announced it was so big it was going to split geographically. But the split basically had one very large central walkable/bikeable area, one large car-centric area, and one oddly shaped peripheral area divided by a couple hard to get around geographic features.

    People in areas 2 and 3 were NOT HAPPY (I think for very good reason in area 3). My first reaction was that it clearly reflects issues in modern city planning – some areas are simply less walkable and accessible because the city agreed to put a new development across train tracks with very few crossings, for instance, or some wealthy people built big houses on a hill with winding suburban style roads, whereas the 19th/early 20th century areas are on a pretty convenient grid pattern that’s been out of style for 70 years. There’s no way to draw those boundaries so that everyone has a “walkable core” because that’s something we haven’t actually designed for in many decades. But it’s clearly desirable socially as well as environmentally.

    Then people started talking about wealth and ethnic divides and how the split reflected those…and it’s hard for me to take that at face value. Yes, of course geographic boundaries reflect socioeconomic ones. But the people who live in the car centric area have really, really expensive homes, and the people who own townhomes and condos in the “poorer” areas are not exactly doing poorly (they sell for $600-700k nowadays, and the development on the literal “other side of the tracks” is at least that much), so I sort of wonder if this is using less wealthy neighbors as a symbol of inclusion without making real efforts. For instance, statistically the low income population in this neighborhood is overwhelmingly Spanish speaking; the group is 100% in English! And I live in an apartment complex with lots of subsidized units, but every place I’ve gone to pick something up has been a townhouse or single family home, so just the fact that some areas do have more apartments and/or lower income residents doesn’t make including them in a boundary work out to representative participation.

    Anyway, the group leaders put a halt on the split to rethink the boundaries, so that’s positive. But it’s been an interesting discussion of how infrastructure shapes our neighborhoods and how we interact with each other. And I’m maybe meeting some people for lunch near work as a result of spin-off conversations, so that’s exciting!

    1. Jdc*

      Kind of baffles me because a border is geographical not judge mental. I mean it’s how the map is. That being said I don’t feel like you live in a bad area if you are buying a $700k house, by any stretch. Most of the world cannot afford that by a long shot.

    2. WellRed*

      I don’t understand why they felt a need to split it. What do they care if someone travels a little further to pick up an item?

      1. LGC*

        If I had to guess, the group was getting too many posts and things were getting overwhelming. So it’s a group traffic thing.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Buy Nothing has a policy of cutting areas down when they hit a certain # of members. There is a focus on keeping it local to neighborhoods. When the split hit my area, people were complaining because we are all one town, and someone who used to live in Philadelphia pointed out that her local buy nothing group was only three square blocks. We were lucky, because there is a highway dividing the town, so that was an easily described split.

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      Sounds like you’ve got some gentrification in the ‘walkable’ area, tho – some of the people there may have inherited or have held for decades. While the people in your group may be doing ok with 600K townhomes, they may have neighbors in very different houses. And the people on the outside are *very* likely to have been priced out of the older, inner neighborhoods. That kind of change may be part of what people are talking about.

      1. Overeducated*

        This is a small enough area that we’re talking small differences – gentrification happened decades ago, the “peripheral” areas are mostly newer construction but close to the same price as the older, people who bought long ago or inherited are sitting on massive assets, and people who are actually getting priced out are moving out of the city entirely. (When I was looking at houses, I had to look across state lines, until I decided I couldn’t handle the commute.) There is definitely economic inequality here but I think people who own property are generally not on opposite sides of it….

  21. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    I finished Child of Light and honestly, that has to be one of the most charming games I’ve played. The music, art style and characters all worked together so well.

    1. Angwyshaunce*

      Game dev has come to a stop for the time being, as I’ve had to work every day for the past two weeks. But I’ve been watching my wife play the new Link’s Awakening.

    2. HamlindigoBlue*

      I bought the Untitled Goose Game last weekend. I’d been waiting for it for many months, ever since seeing a concept video of it on Reddit. It’s pretty adorable. It’s only available for PC and Switch right now.

    3. Environmental Compliance*

      I don’t play anymore, I just watch, but I’ve been seeing a lot of Untitled Goose Game and have found it very entertaining. Also adorable – I like the art style a lot. Just a silly little game!

    4. Torrance*

      WoW’s new patch got me playing again; as someone who loves Gilneas & their whole lore + vibe, the worgen redesign is just fantastic.

      And I haven’t had a chance to play it yet but I think I’ve already watched half a dozen playthroughs of the KFC/Colonel Sanders dating sim. I thought it was going to be painfully ‘fellow kids’-ish but it’s fairly self-aware and kinda hilarious.

    5. Door Guy*

      I picked up a Switch Lite when they hit the market last week in anticipation of Pokemon SW/SH so my daughter and I can both play at the same time. Been playing through Pokemon Y and working on my living dex in my spare minutes. When I find both the time AND the solitude I picked up Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice and a pair of gaming headphones, but that happens rarely enough that I’m only about 1/4 of the way through.

    6. Raia*

      Back to Fire Emblem Three Houses and I’m enjoying it more when I don’t play every day for 3-4 hours.

      In Stardew I’m at Winter 11, greenhouse just got built and barn is fully upgraded so I can get some pigs and fruit trees started. The secret note thing must be relatively new, I’ve never seen it before.

      Also selling my old beloved 3DS and games today, which is a little sad but necessary. Fantasy Life and Fire Emblem Awakenings were awesome games.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My family has roped me into Guild Wars… it’s fun but oh so very much making me carsick.
      D&D Online and Never winter rarely did that to me. Long ago Crash Bandicoot did. And IMAX movies are right out.
      Any suggestions for toning down this sideeffect?

    8. Nicki Name*

      Still finding new stuff in Sunless Skies. And I just read about The Return of the Obra Dinn, and that’s gone straight on my need-to-by list.

    9. CB*

      Nintendo finally released its mobile version of Mario Kart, and I actually really like it. I’m not someone who will spend real money on “microtransactions” inside of games, but I’ve had a lot of fun playing what’s included for free.

  22. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Is sports a verboten topic here, like politics? I’ve never once seen a major sport mentioned and maybe I’m making a mistake by posting this, but…
    I was really riveted by the Mets over the second half of the baseball season and while I knew they’d fall short of the playoffs, I’m really bummed that baseball season is about to end for me. If your team is still in it (if you have one), good luck!

    1. Rebecca*

      I’m a Pirates fan, so you know how my season went. The team has some great new talent, but there were a lot of injuries, I don’t know what the heck the coach is thinking most of the time, and I am so upset and disappointed with the pitcher (not naming him here!) who is now sitting in jail, and rightly so. I was happy to see the win last night for Steve Blass’s last broadcast from the booth. Hoping for a better season next year!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Oof, the Pirates had a really rough season. I hope they improve, too, Mets-Pirates was once a good rivalry. They at least took some games vs. the Cubs, who I thought would make the playoffs but tanked really fast.
        And as a Mets fan, I totally know the feeling re: “I don’t know what the coach is doing most of the time.”

        1. Rebecca*

          I’m sad I missed the home run in the bottom of the 9th last night, but I was watching Penn State handle Maryland :) I’m also sad about Cervelli, too many concussions, and understandably he’s gone on to play another position.

    2. Akcipitrokulo*

      Partick Thistle got beaten 5-0 by Celtic (Scottish Premier League football) so a bit disappointed!

      1. londonedit*

        I feel your pain, I’m a Manchester United fan. Sigh. Still, our women’s team beat Liverpool today to record their first win in the WSL!

    3. Cards fan*

      Cards fan here, so we are sitting on pins and needles waiting to see if they step up or tank. It could go either way, as they have been inconsistent all year. The bullpen is tired and gave up 8 runs last night, and the Brewers are breathing down their necks. Another year of Cardiac Cardinal baseball. I’ve been a bit sad to see the Pirates having a tough year. Clint Barmes coached our son as a side-hustle while he was a student in college, and I got to meet Clint Hurdle once. Seems like a nice man.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Good luck! Cards are a great organization. I’m really astonished by the Brewers. I think they’re playing way over their heads. I’m hoping for your sake that Cards take the division so you don’t have to go through the stress of the winner take all wild-card game!
        It may be a moot point, because I kind of think the Dodgers are going to steamroll everyone in the playoffs, but we’ll see. They have to play the games first!

        1. Cards fan*

          Dodgers definitely look like the team to beat, and I don’t expect the Cards to make much noise in the post season, no matter how they get in. (I said the same thing in 2011, so we’ll see.) Hope the Mets see better days next year. I was a Cubs fan in 1969, so I hated the Mets for a long time, lol, but I married a Cards fan and got used to winning. These post-LaRussa years have been interesting, haha.

      2. Lost in the Woods*

        This was a rough year for my beloved Rockies, one of the most uneven teams in baseball. My grandfather was a Cards fan before the Rockies came into existence, so I’m rooting for the Cards in the postseason!

        Gotta be honest, though, I’ll be thrilled with anyone but the Dodgers at this point.

      3. The Rat-Catcher*

        Another Cards fan here! It feels like forever since we’ve had a postseason run (though I’m aware as fans we are a bit spoiled) and they aren’t great at a winner take all type of thing like the wild card game so I hope they can clinch the division!

    4. Tort-ally HareBrained*

      Newer Astros fan who married into a huge Astros family in 2012. Just enjoying the good years while we have them. On the other hand my Texas A&M Aggies are having a rough go of it in college football. Also waiting patiently for hockey season but glad for postseason baseball.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        It was so weird to move from Texas to Wisconsin. I was Rice undergrad, when the SWC still existed, and had never been involved with a football team that won. The Packers won the Superbowl the year I moved here.

        1. Tort-ally HareBrained*

          yes I imagine that transition would be a bit much. I now live in a smaller market Texas town, so even more split rivalries between Dallas/Houston & t.u./A&M which is also interesting.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        The Astros are really inspiring to me. They went from really bad to really, really good in a flash. It definitely helps to have Justin Verlander, that’s for sure.
        I’m kind of hoping the Astros make the World Series.

        1. Tort-ally HareBrained*

          Let’s hope so. Was exciting to see Verlander get his 3000th strike out this evening in Anaheim!

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Wooooo go Brew Crew! I checked last week and it seemed a cinch the Cards were going to take it but maybe not. Bummer about Yelich and Braun though…

      Its really sad to only see like four pennants on the wall at Miller Park, and one of those was for a wild card spot.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        No matter how the season turns out for the Brewers, this is a great rally. I’ve really enjoyed seeing the talent they have and Counsell as a manager.

    7. Fulana del Tal*

      As I diehard Mets fan, I’m just glad we finished above .500. All I want is for them to a new closer next season.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          JD Davis is the one thing our general manager got right. He looks like a pure hitter!
          He also didn’t embarrass himself playing the outfield, which was a nice surprise.

          1. Tort-ally HareBrained*

            As someone who watched him play outfield in the minor leagues for a game or two- we were blown away by his cannon of an arm! Kid can get the ball back in the infield in a hurry. Hope he gets a real chance at a career with y’all.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        We’ll see. I’m not sure who’s available as a free agent as far as relief pitchers go. Seth Lugo isn’t really well suited to be a closer because he can’t pitch on back-to-back days, but I’m a huge fan of his. I still kind of think that if he goes back to being a starter, he could be an elite starter. But he’s really, really good in relief.

        I’m not giving up on Edwin Diaz. The guy has dynamite stuff in flashes; he made lots of mistakes this year but I think also had incredibly bad luck. I hope it hasn’t gotten too much into his head, and he can start fresh. The Mets wouldn’t get much if they trade him, at this point. Unfortunately, since they overpaid Jeurys Familia by so much, they’re stuck with him. Unless there are really good pitchers available on the free agent market, I have a feeling the Mets are going to run the same relievers out there and try their luck again. Either way, this year was exciting even if ultimately disappointing.

    9. myug*

      Mariners fan checking in – they still have two more games in their series against the A’s (who are post-season bound) but it’ll be playing for pride at this point.

      But as my dad – a non-native son of this fair city but it’s the only US city he’s ever known so I guess that’s pretty native – says, “At least we’re not the Orioles” (no offense to anyone from Charm City).

    10. Baby shark doo doo doo-doo doo-doo*

      Huge Nats fan here and so thrilled that they were able to come back from a 19-31 start to host the NL wild card game, due in no small part to the joy that Gerardo Parra has brought to the clubhouse. They are the team that taught me to love baseball and I’m really hoping for a win on Tuesday against those pesky Brewers. ;)

  23. Akcipitrokulo*

    Just finished season one of the new Fruits Basket – anyone else following? I thought Tohru & Kyo in forest worked much better in old version – loved the music in old one.

    I seriously hate the umbrellas at the start! “Umbrellas!” is now a swear word here!

    I am looking forward to season 2 :) hope it is made!

    1. GoryDetails*

      I hadn’t known they were re-doing the Fruits Basket anime – intriguing! I really enjoyed the original anime, but (as so often happens) it did not cover the entire manga series; if the new version does, I’ll try to catch it.

    2. Door Guy*

      Pardon my yelling but NEW FRUITS BASKET!!!!!

      I haven’t followed anything on the Anime/Manga scene for a long time (aside from Naruto/Boruto and even that isn’t following so much as keeping abreast with major developments)

      Fruits Basket is still one of my wife’s favorites and she watched some just last week.

  24. Mary Connell*

    I know it’s been discussed at great length here, but could people provide suggestions on what to do about an older man who’s too touchy? This is at church and he used to come up behind me and rub my shoulders until I snapped at him not to touch me. He backed off for a while but he’s invading my space again, standing too close and backing me into corners, and last week sat down too close and put his hand on my leg. (Ugh.) He’s probably in his 70s and does this to several women, and to teenage girls, so we’ve done the whisper campaign and told the girls and their mothers to be aware that this is happening, and we’ve also mentioned it to church leaders but they tend to look puzzled when it’s mentioned.

    Any strategies you’d suggest?

    1. Jdc*

      I’d be smacking his hand anytime it came near me. I’ve told people before to take a step back as they were in my space. It isn’t very nice but neither are they so.

      1. Mary Connell*

        [Making a note as early in this discussion as possible that I left an update below. The problem was escalated and taken very seriously, and is being addressed on several fronts. Thank you all for the feedback.]

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      Being really loud and in his face might work, given he backed off last time. Personally if a guy put his hand on my leg I would either remove it or speak very loudly and clearly right in his face.

      Stop being polite to him!

      1. StellaBella*

        Agree with being loud and direct. “Bob, stop touching my leg, and mind my, and other womens’, personal space. Be respectful!”

    3. Sunny Sasha*

      I think the most important thing to do is call this creep out loudly right in the moment he’s being uncomfortable. Draw attention to the situation. If he backs you into a corner, ‘ You need to back up, you’re standing too close’. If he puts his hand on your leg, ‘ I don’t want you to touch me, keep your hands to yourself’.

      It’s atrocious your church leaders won’t do anything so draw attention to it. Even if it’s in the middle of a ceremony/mass, call this creep out loudly. He’s probably counting on people wanting to be quiet and respectful in a religious setting to not cause a scene, so definitely cause a loud and obnoxious scene!

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      With the caveat that I know this is easier to say then to do – everyone needs to start calling it out. “Don’t touch me.” “Back up, you don’t need to be this close to me.” “I SAID DON’T TOUCH ME, CLARENCE.”

      A group of you, including girls and moms, might go back to the church leaders and be specific. “Not only is Clarence getting inappropriately handsy with us adults, he is getting inappropriately handsy with these young girls. This is a liability issue for the church. We have told him to stop repeatedly and he doesn’t stop. You need to tell him to stop and back us up. If this keeps going unchecked, especially with children being impacted, we will have to consult the police for next steps.”

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, it’s time to have an OFFICIAL talk with the church leaders. Hand the leaders a written complaint if you don’t get the needed results. Please act. Do not accept any excuses about his age/mental conditions/”good” intentions.
        I hope this gets resolved.

    5. WellRed*

      Stop whispering and speak up! With all the me too and the church scandals it’s time to bring your church into the present day.

    6. Anon the Third*

      Ugh, how gross. I used to work retail and this kind of thing was a real problem. I’ve shoved a few people, but I don’t know if that’s something you’d be comfortable doing. There’s always Allison’s advice- get a group of like-minded people together and go to leadership en masse. Ignore their puzzled looks and demand to know what they’re going to do about it. Unleash your inner Karen.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Warning: The fourth paragraph (not counting this one) briefly expresses a kind of self-talk that may upset people who have previously experienced unwanted physical or sexual advances.

      Ugh indeed. My first thought was to recommend enlisting the other half of the congregation/community (men and boys) as supporters of their wives, girlfriends, sisters, daughters, nieces, aunts. And–playing on gender stereotypes here–line up a bunch of guys who will, at a prearranged signal, barge in saying “how about that baseball team!”

      But my second thought was that to treat this as a hush-hush matter avoids the root of the problem. Far better to get this mess this out of the shadows and ditch the emotional freight for everybody. As is often quoted here, Captain Awkward says “return awkward to sender.”

      So. This is a great opportunity for this man’s would-be “targets” and all onlookers to learn to calmly and matter-of-factly assert themselves by delivering messages such as:
      “I am not comfortable with you standing so close to me.” or “You are standing too close.”
      “Stop rubbing my shoulders. I don’t like it.”
      “You need to stop touching me.”
      “You are interrupting my thoughts / meditations / reflections on today’s sermon.”
      At the snack part of the social hour: “I am going to get a napkin (cookie, cup of coffee, etc.)” followed by “I need to walk past you on the left (right, wherever)” followed by “Coming through; step back.” (That last line was a rewrite: I first wrote “You are blocking me; please move to the left/right/back.”
      I am consciously trying to be matter-of-fact rather than overly “polite” aka self-dismissing. At first this seems impossible but it gets easier with practice.

      Why a great opportunity? Because the so-called targets are in a safe place and surrounded by their caring friends and family. (PSA: If a church ain’t safe and caring, LEAVE. More on this below.) Nobody’s going to get fired, or denied a passing grade. AND because the so-called targets are speaking calmly everybody can avoid the quicksand of “You’re a creeper”versus “No, YOU are a brazen hussy temptress!” or “Does the fact that he’s treating (me, her) badly make (me, her) a bad girl who deserves it or secretly wants and enjoys it?”

      Finally, I want to generalize my comments to include all types of religious communities. I don’t get any sense that your church rejects all questions but I want to address this topic in case someone reading my comment doesbelong to a church, temple, mosque, etc. that discourages any disagreement with the Official Wisdom. I am speaking as a religious person who does not believe that being religious means being miserable. If any particular congregation is not safe and caring, and/or if it teaches and promotes a culture of “women have to be quiet; calm self-assertion is not tolerated” or “there is only one template for love between consenting adults” or “NOBODY ever even thinks that our leaders make mistakes”–find another community.

      I have a lot of sympathy for the idea of religious discipline (following dietary laws; giving up something for Lent; resisting the temptation to gossip; spending hard-earned funds to help others rather than to buy a flashy necklace or sports car; including lonely, perhaps awkward people in conversations or events instead of just one’s closest friends). I have a lot less sympathy for the idea that people have to give up basic human rights or intellectual freedom in order to be respected, welcomed, or not condemned to spend eternity in hell.

      My idea of religion includes more interpersonal kindness and less condemnation for independent thought. In short, no bank robbery, false rumors or murder, and really try to avoid adultery because it causes so much emotional pain…but science? LBGT rights? ordination of women and LBGT folks? all fine.

    8. Jules the 3rd*

      Yes to all the above – personally making a scene and going as a group to church leaders (and send a follow-up in writing).

      Also, enlist the men of the congregation. The women hold a meeting and make a list of trustworthy men, not just trust to behave well themselves but also trust to stand up for women (or just discuss this with husbands / brothers / fathers). Meet with those men and ask them to assign someone to hang out with Clarence every week, to socialize with him, and to distract him from the women. If Clarence heads for a woman anyway, ask the guy to follow, to watch Clarence’s hands and to make sure that the woman has a clear exit path.

      Put some of the work of dealing with Clarence on men and you’ll be shocked at how fast the church leaders react. As long as it’s women having to do all the defending, they’re not going to care.

      1. tangerineRose*

        And if he touches a woman, could one of the trusted guys say something like “Hey, that’s not cool!” Seems like sometimes creepers take this better from men.

    9. MatKnifeNinja*

      There are a couple questions….

      Is anyone else encouraging in this behavior? I’ve been to huggy/touchy churches, where people are touching on strangers. It’s like you are not considered welcomed if someone hasn’t touched you. (Shoulder hugs etc)

      Everyone should have went straight to the pastor/minister. Whisper campaigns make the whisperer look like a gossip, and the people who “don’t mind” consider it YOUR hang up. So nothing gets addressed.

      This guy could have dementia, have other issues (my sister had an special needs adult who had a problem keeping hands off of people at church), or the church used to be all touchy huggy and this guy never got the memo to keep you hands to yourself. Or he could be a grade A creep.

      If it was me, it’s straight to whoever leads the service, because if one of the minor girls talks to a teacher or counselor, they are mandated reporters. It will be investigated. That is a news story your church does not want.

      If Clarence got touchy with me, I would say loudly, “Hands in your pockets or hands at your side, your hands don’t belong on me or anyone else.” You are telling Clarence EXACTLY what you want him to do.

      Just like some kids at school, who have trouble following instructions and taking hints, there are adults that are like that. I’m not “touching”, I’m giving a hug. I patted a leg, I wasn’t “touching”. I’ve dealt with kids who had that type of thing. You gotta spell out exactly what you want, because their interpretation of the situation is different.

      If it happens at work, easy..go to HR and raise hell. This is church. Churches try to be inclusive. They have a higher tolerance for boundary stomping monsters. If this guy has been there for 40 years, and it’s, “Oh that how Clarence rolls.” YOU being uncomfortable with Clarence will get an eye roll. Yeah, Clarence should keep his hands to himself, but if everyone does a “Oh, that’s Clarence.”, and it’s tolerated, you are the troublemaker. It’s not fair. It’s gross. Churches are their own little world.

      Hopefully adult touching minor children without asking will make the high ups move their butts. The compromise is Clarence asks first. I’d prefer he just left everyone alone, but asking gets around the no consent part. That is what happened at my sister’s church with the special needs adult. It’s hard tell a man who functions at a 5 year old level, he can’t have a hug at church.

      Hope you get the outcome you want.

      1. Observer*

        his guy could have dementia, have other issues (my sister had an special needs adult who had a problem keeping hands off of people at church), or the church used to be all touchy huggy and this guy never got the memo to keep you hands to yourself. Or he could be a grade A creep.

        Could we just skip the excuse making? For one thing, he’s well past what’s common even in “huggy” groups. Secondly, he’s been told clearly and explicitly to STOP. Thirdly, the so called LEADERSHIP is protecting him.

        The man is a creep and the top guys are knowingly enabling it. It needs to stop.

    10. Anona*

      If he can’t stop, he shouldn’t be allowed to attend.

      I’d talk to the leaders again, and bring up liability if they don’t do anything. I’d also say it would be really damaging for the church if something bad happens and it gets out in the news that church leaders knew and did nothing. I’d say if they’re not sure how to handle it, a group of you may contact the central denomination (if such a thing exists), and raise the same concerns.

      They need to talk to him make it clear that it must stop it he must leave. It shouldn’t be the congregation’s responsibility.

    11. aarti*

      Good for you for calling out this behaviour. What a creepy sounding guy! Keep doing so, and support other women who may not feel comfortable speaking up.

      I’d take it up with the administration again, ideally a couple of you together. Specifically name the behaviour, don’t make excuses (it’s easy to temper your message “I’m sure he doesn’t mean to make people uncomfortable”. ) Ask for a clear plan of action from the administration. If they try to avoid committing (“we need time to talk about it”), insist on a time line for action. If they refuse, document this man’s actions and their refusal to do anything about it. In this day and age they are setting themselves up for potentially an ugly lawsuit or news story.

      I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Sending you lots of support and internet hugs if you want them.

    12. Mary Connell*

      Thank you all for the feedback! To be honest, my second reaction after “ugh” was that I don’t have the time or emotional energy to deal with this again.

      However, with church tomorrow I realized this morning that (a) if he’s escalating with me again, there’s a good chance that he’s escalating with the girls, and (b) it’s Saturday morning on AAM, and the wonderful commenters here would give good, clear advice, and provide the emotional energy to deal with it. I appreciate everyone taking the time to provide ideas and encouragement. It’s important to me that he stop touching me, but it’s even more important that he doesn’t teach the girls in the church to accept this kind of behavior.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Your last sentence – that’s partly why I suggested taking the girls with you when you go en masse to talk to the church leaders. Let them see what standing up for themselves looks like, and see other women doing so instead of tiptoeing around Clarence the Broken Stair. Show them how they can stand up for themselves and for each other, because unfortunately, they’ll probably need that knowledge a lot in the future.

        1. valentine*

          It’s important to me that he stop touching me, but it’s even more important that he doesn’t teach the girls in the church to accept this kind of behavior.
          The bottom line is he’s grooming everyone to let him abuse at will. The whisper campaign puts the onus on girls and women (no dads?) to avoid him when even you can’t. No one is being loud. No one is bending his finger back until it feels like it’s going to break. No one is tapping his kidneys every time he does it. No one has barred him from the church and physically removed him when he returned. Everyone’s staying silent enough for him to continue.

          The elders having chosen him over you, you might do well to leave the church, unless you are prepared to get loud and fight him/them until they ban him.

          Report him to the police. Maybe they will find family or community members reported him decades ago, but nothing was done. Maybe he is a fugitive. The police may do nothing, but you will have done most everything you can.

      2. Owler*

        So many of these comments telling Clarence to stop focus on your comments to get it to stop for you. It sounds like you would like to widen your umbrella to protect some of the teen girls around you too. Please follow that instinct! I would have been too shy to say anything when I was a teen/young adult, but I would have been emboldened to hear another adult speaking up. Call it out!
        I don’t have a good script, but my gut is something simple: “Clarence, please stop touching me. And don’t you go bothering those young girls. We’re watching you.”

        1. Observer*

          I think that BOTH things need to happen. People need to tell Clarence “Stop” *and* they need to go to the leadership. And if someone sees him touching someone else, they should tell him to stop, too.

    13. Parenthetically*

      Oof. Grew up in church, definitely know this guy.

      Every time, a clear, “You’re standing too close. Please step back./Please don’t touch me./Do you not notice me backing away? Please stand back!” and then continue the conversation if you want. The girls and their mothers need to be empowered to do the same.

      And go to the church leadership (with other women if they’re willing) with a clear script. “Bob is continuing to stand too close, touch women who don’t want to be touched, including in really intimate ways like rubbing their shoulders and touching their legs, and backing them into corners, despite several of us telling him repeatedly to back away and stop touching us. Crucially, he is also doing these things to TEENAGE GIRLS. It is your responsibility to ensure the safety of everyone in this congregation and right now you are failing to do that. You need to ensure that Bob does not make women AND GIRLS feel targeted and unsafe. This means, at minimum, observing him on Sundays, and stepping in to correct him and remove him from situations where he is doing the things I mentioned. Can the women and girls of this congregation count on you to take this seriously?” Then follow up with an email to the entire leadership group. “Per our conversation last Sunday, etc.” Knowing what I do about church leadership groups, I might also type up a physical letter and send it. You don’t want to leave ANY room for deniability.

    14. atgo*

      I just took an amazing self defense course through a group called Impact (maybe there’s a chapter near you).

      In addition to getting loud and calling out the behavior (and by being loud, inviting those around to observe), there were some more polite physical ways they recommended. One of the techniques that they taught for people who touch you when you don’t want to be touched is to just take their hand off and hand it back to them, repeatedly. You can say something or not, but you’re taking physical action and setting a boundary.

      Remember that you’re not being rude, irrational, or hysterical if you escalate and make a scene. He’s the one who is repeatedly violating boundaries, implicit and explicit. If he looks bad as a result of it, so be it.

      I’m sorry to hear the church leaders don’t have your back on this. Older men get a pass sometimes for poor behavior, and it’s unacceptable. Sending support.

    15. Mimosa Jones*

      I find it helpful to tell someone what you want them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do. Say “walk” instead of “don’t run. “ sometimes people hear that better and it’s harder for them to deflect and deny.

      To play off of what Jean (just Jean) is saying, you might be able to bring more attention to this and turn it into a teachable moment by hosting an official, on the public calendar, class on handling a creeper. I’m not coming up with a good name right now, but get together the moms and the girls who are his common targets and have everyone learn and practice together how to speak up and defend their space. It can be fun and both general and specific. Bring in a guest speaker if you can find one. That sends the message that this is an issue and that everyone has a right to body autonomy. You can put a pretty title on it for the public, but to the church officials you can clarify that this is a Dealing with Clarence class, that this is a real problem and that the class can’t be the only solution.

    16. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Tell him to back off, every time. And don’t bother with the whisper campaign – just say it out loud. Preferably where EVERYONE can hear it. (picking a name here) “Arnold he stands too close, touches you without permission, and is generally a creep”.

      I’m a firm believer that bad behavior like this should be called out. If Arnold gets upset, well, he brought it on himself. He can change his behavior.

    17. PlatypusOo*

      You’ve gotten a lot of great advice about this problem so I don’t have anything new to add. Except one thing: women need to stop overthinking and stop being polite and just act every single time this happens.

    18. Vincaminor*

      “TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY LEG, BOB.”

      In approximately that tone of voice and volume. Specify his bad behavior— “Stop touching me” could be you being ~sensitive about being bumped by his elbow or something.

    19. OhBehave*

      I’m sorry he’s doing this. What horrible behavior! Imagine if he was 30 years old. Would you tolerate his?
      We tend to give our elders a pass because of the whole respect your elders mindset. But the truth is that if they were overly touchy at age 30, that would still be the case at 70. Of course with the elderly, some mental deficits may occur, his wife died and he misses physical contact, he’s hard of hearing so needs to move closer, but this guy backed off once before so he knows.
      It’s important that you push back in the moment. Don’t allow yourself to be backed into a corner. Stand your ground. “Please step back a bit.” No apologies or excuses. The same goes for unwanted touching. Physically remove his hand. Don’t just move away. He’s not going to get the hint. As you remove his hand say, “Please don’t touch me.” It’s important that girls also learn these techniques.
      I am sorry your church is not taking this seriously. Our pastors would not hesitate in this situation. I’ve had to have conversations like this myself.

    20. Lilysparrow*

      First, any of the women and girls involved need to tell their husbands and/or fathers, and bring them into it. Anyone who is likely to dismiss this or deny it is a problem, or who would in bad faith accuse you of being “divisive” needs to see that unity of concern and unity of purpose.

      I’m not sure what your church leadership structure is like, but I would get together with at least 2-3 other women who have experienced this (especially girls and their moms), and any of the husbands/dads, and request a formal meeting with either your designated elder, if you have one, or with the pastor and the head elder (or the equivalent).

      Tell them that this guy is persistently being physically aggressive with women (backing them into corners) and touching them unwantedly and inappropriately (hand on knee, backrub). That he has been told to stop, over and over, and only stops temporarily.

      That you have to **warn** people about him!

      This is not friendliness, and it is not cluelessness or being “old-fashioned”. He knows it is unwanted, because he has been told so in plain English. He also knows it is inappropriate, because I guarantee he never ever does it in front of someone’s husband or father, or any church leaders.

      That you have raised this with other leaders, who have done nothing and dismissed it. Name names.

      Ask what they intend to do about it, because playing “whack a mole” and expecting individual women to protect themselves and their daughters is not only unChristian, it just plan isn’t working.

      Ask what the official church safety plan for minors requires them to do. They should have one.
      Ask what the official church discipline plan requires them to do. They should have one.

      Do not leave the meeting until they give you a plan of action. Take notes. Hold them to their words.

      Guys like this count on getting away with it because everybody treats it as a minor social faux pas, and nobody is willing to make a stink.

      Make a stink.

    21. Mary Connell*

      UPDATE: I had my husband read all the comments yesterday. He was already horrified himself that this was happening again but not sure what to do — it’s not something random people necessarily know how to deal with — but these comments gave him language and strategies. This morning he took the problem to a meeting of the regional council, and they took the issue very seriously. He said he wished I could have seen their faces when he described the problem.

      They have directed a local leader to address this with Clarence, and coming from higher up, it is more likely to happen than upon my previous notifications of the problem, which as far as I know were ignored. I was asked to discuss the problem with the woman in charge of our teenage youth group — I’d somehow never looped her in before — and she was also horrified, and is a very capable woman and will talk to the local leaders and then present something to the girls on how to recognize and handle a problem like this.

      Jean (just Jean) called this a great opportunity, and I think I agree. The local church leaders now know serious the regional council consider this kind of behavior, and the girls will get some straight talk about personal security and not needing to be polite when things like this happen.

      Thank you all for your feedback and comments. The discussion was very helpful, and in just one day it was heartening to see positive responses and immediate action from the church leaders.

  25. Down the Rabbit Hole*

    Does anyone have tips for not feeling awkward about money when talking with friends who are struggling financially?

    My oldest friend Alice and I have known each other since we were kids. Now we’re eight years post college and our financial situations have drastically changed. As kids, we were fairly even with our parents’ finances but now, I am making significantly more money than her. She’s a freelance artist who often fears she won’t be able to pay her bills while I’m an office worker who can pay for vacations and other luxury items.

    It really hit me during our last conversation at a gathering. While we were catching up, Alice talked about how she was struggling with getting steady work and paying her bills and maybe she’d have to move back in with her parents. Then she asked what was up with me, which honestly is my job gave me a raise, I’m recently back from an international vacation, and the most troubling thing on my mind is whether to invest in upgrades for my furniture or save it for another vacation. Now most of our friends are in line with me, making good money to take steps like buy houses or start families or go on vacations, but I felt so awkward in that conversation with Alice that the things on my mind stemmed from having a decent regular incoming while everything for her came from the inconsistency of her paychecks. She did have thoughts on my topics (she asked to see pictures from my vacation and shared her opinion on furniture vs vacation), so she wasn’t actively upset by our conversation but it still made me feel bad.

    This is also on top of Alice having to frequently bow out of friend outings that cost money. If we’re walking the mall, going to a free museum, or just hanging out at someone’s house, she’s all in. But if we’re doing things that cost money (bars, movies, dinner, ticketed event), Alice says no more often than not. Is there anything I should be contienscious of not saying so I don’t upset her or should I just carry on as normal?

    1. Jdc*

      At the end of the day she chose a job that isn’t making a ton. She seems considerate and kind. I’d avoid shoving it in her face but if she asks you can answer I think. I also know that I’ve paid for friends when we’ve gone out if they couldn’t afford it and vice versus. I sometimes just want their company and don’t care if it means I pay. To me that’s what friends do. I love you enough that paying for lunch makes me happy too so I’m more than happy to do it. I’ve also greatly appreciated when a friend said they would cover me because they wanted me there.

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      Maybe you need to reframe it in your mind. Alice is a grown woman, she’s well aware that being a a freelance artist is not a well paying job, and she has chosen to continue in that job. Nothing is stopping her getting an additional part time job to supplement her income. She has chosen this financial situation and she seems to be happy enough with it. Clearly money is not important to her.

      So I think you need to reframe it in your mind to realize that Alice is happy in this situation and stop feeling guilty about your own affluence. It’s similar to having or not having kids. I have kids, some of my friends are happy not to be parents. They enjoy spending time with and hearing about my kids (within reason). I don’t have to feel guilty about having kids or talking about my kids because they have chosen that situation.

      If Alice were unhappy in her situation and she was always trying and failing to find a better paying job, then maybe you would need to be a bit more circumspect in how you talked about your own life. Just as I wouldn’t bring up my kids with my friends who are unhappily not parents, who have had infertility or losses or never met the right person. In those cases I don’t bring up the kids, and when they ask I keep the discussion short and make sure to offer other conversation also.

      So it is with money, if I had friend who was in a bad financial situation not of their choosing, I would be a lot more careful about bringing up holidays and so on, than I would if my friend was the arty, “money’s not a big deal” kind like Alice seems to be.

      1. Down The Rabbit Hole*

        Problem is I don’t know how happy she is with her career choice anymore. While she’s not lashing out at those of us in the friend group who have money and full time jobs, she often vents about how her work isn’t appreciated. She said she’s creating art and culture but is paid nothing for it. Yet she doesn’t want to give any time away from her art to even a part time job. So she always sounds bitter about her lot in life but doesn’t seem to want to change it.

        1. Asenath*

          She has to come to a decision herself about whether she wants to continue as she is or move into paid, but unrelated, work. And it may take her a long time. I’m sure I’m not the only person who dithered about a change in life long after most of my friends had probably seen what should have been obvious to me – and a few dropped a hint or two that maybe it I didn’t like what I was complaining about, I should change it.

        2. YetAnotherUsername*

          Oh wow that’s a bit different. I hope she eventually comes to the realization that there are loads of ways of creating art and culture that do pay well! Some industries that immediately spring to mind are film, fashion, gaming, decorating. I’m sure there are loads more.

          I’ve seen this happen with loads of friends when I was younger but with me it was music not art. I knew loads of guys in bands. They all wanted to keep their music pure and unadulterated and not “sell out to the man”. (I suspect if “the man” actually wanted to pay any of them they might have changed their minds on that haha). Most of them ended up quitting music entirely once they realized they weren’t going to be the next nirvana. Some of them got a “normal” job and kept the band as a hobby. And one or two went into the music industry in other ways eg playing covers at weddings, teaching music, or working as a DJ, and kept the band as a hobby. The last group seem to be the happiest. The substance of their paid work is something they enjoy (playing music, even if it’s not their own music), and they can stíll engage in their own art as a hobby on weekends or evenings. The ones who are the most miserable are the ones who absolutely refused to “sell out to the man” and wouldn’t “play crap music for money” and so on. They mostly ended up giving up entirely and losing something they enjoyed a lot.

          Zero of my friends actually became successful musicians. If your friend has been an artist this long and is still struggling to pay the bills it seems unlikely she is going to “make it big” either. Sooner or later she’s going to have to make her peace with that.

          Maybe ask her if she’s ever considered using her art in other ways that pay better like some of the industries above.

    3. Texan In Exile*

      Alice having to frequently bow out of friend outings that cost money

      Sometimes it’s nice to invite her and to tell her it’s your treat. You can lie – “Someone gave me these tickets” or “It was a buy one get one,” or you can find a non-cash way she can repay you. I don’t like to feel like a charity case, but if I can feed someone’s cat or help her paint a room in her house, then I feel like there is reciprocity.

      1. Down The Rabbit Hole*

        I do actually do that as much as I can. I get her ‘outings’ for her birthday and Christmas, I brought her back a gift from my trip, I never ask her for gas money like I do with my other friends, I mostly recently treated her to dinner because I had a craving for this nicer restaurant and ‘couldn’t find anyone to go with me’ when really I wanted to treat her to a nicer meal. So I do do that as often as I can without being too obvious, I hope.

        But I can’t treat her to everything. We’ve talked about doing a vacation together for a while but she can’t afford it. We did a weekend outing to an event a few towns over last year and she could only afford it because I had won free tickets to the event (legitimately won), the hotel room was a birthday gift from her aunt, and she brought a lot of her own food so she wouldn’t have to eat out. She had fun and it was definitely worth it for her but it means our talks of a grander vacation together, as much as she wants to do it, she just can’t afford it.

    4. fposte*

      I’m friends with many people who make more than I do. I like to look at their fancy new kitchens :-).

      It sounds like you’re being laudably sensitive here, and, complementarily, that Alice is being laudably sensible about choosing what she can attend. I don’t think you need to pretend you have less money than you do, but I’d limit the “finances have given me privileges!” celebrations–you can say “Work is going great and I just got back from a vacation I really enjoyed,” and if she wants some vicarious vacationing she’ll ask for more details, which it sounds like she did. Since I work with a lot of students/starting out people, I have tended to avoid phraseology that suggests anything is objectively cheap or affordable; I say “It’s about $10” or “Target-style prices” or whatever.

      I also would be thoughtful about keeping Alice in the loop if something came up at an event that she couldn’t attend and make sure that she’s not the only one suggesting free activities.

    5. Kuododi*

      Hopefully, I can help with some perspective from Alice’s viewpoint. DH and I are both ordained Protestant clergy. (We met at seminary.). He’s spent his professional life in health care ministry and I am a licensed mental health counselor and pastoral counselor. (Obviously not working now given my current health drama.) Needless to say, $$$ has always been a fairly serious issue. My friends and family all understand and have no issues with our financial situation. (For the most part…my Mother still has “issues” to this day.) I recently had to explain to her that DH and I made choices at the beginning of our relationship which we knew would not lead to a fat bank account. For who we are as individuals and as a couple, those choices have led to a wonderful life. We’re not able to grab theater tickets and go on a fancy date or other pricey fun things. We certainly have worked all kinds of extra jobs to keep the lights on and the bills paid. We are also thankful for each other, our friends and family. To reference Capt. Awkward, DH and I have never believed our more financially successful friends/family were having $$$ “at us.”.

      Truthfully, I would be distressed if I knew people were censoring themselves out of a mistaken need to protect my feelings. Obviously, it’s important to not be rude or bragging about this or that expensive item recently purchased. Frankly, I am delighted to hear when my friends/ family are doing well financially. I hope this is helpful. I’m still dealing with pain pills and other adjustments from the cancer surgeries so I can’t promise everything I wrote makes fantastic sense. Feel free to ask me anything you need to clarify. Best regards.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Friendship is a back and forth. You talk about your stuff and then she talks about her stuff.
      Many of my friends are more comfy than I will ever be. I totally agree with touching on what is going on with you. You can’t hide that trip to Europe or whatever. But you don’t have to rub her nose in it either, which it sounds like you are NOT doing. Funny stories, interesting stories serve a purpose. Yammering on about the more mundane aspects of your trip really does not serve a purpose.
      The same goes for her, she can’t hide the money issues from you, it’s too big to hide. But she can talk about other stuff, which she seems to be doing.
      But I think it’s good to be aware there are reasons why birds of a feather flock together. People seem to be drawn to others who are seeing similar things. Conversation can get difficult when there are not a lot of things in common. Fortunately you guys have spent years as friends and you have that to draw on, not just for conversation purposes but for buoying up the friendship and helping it along.

    7. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I can come at it a little bit from Alice’s side. Different reasons (difficult marriage sucked my finances dry), but I had 1/10th or less the income of one of my dearest friends (top ramen vs travel every weekend and two homes in HCOL areas). I focused on what we did have in common, and not whining. I owned my mistakes (wrong marriage choice, head in sand) but on my commonalities with her (we both had difficult childhoods, both of us in counseling at different times, both of us have the same values and enjoy the arts, continuous learning, etc.).
      She wisely did not push on the bad marriage, nor did she rescue me when I crashed and burned, but she was there emotionally and mentally (and in some cases with time and energy) more than anyone. Our friendship was built on talking about and growing our common ground.
      Free museum days (and she had dual membership, so I could often go with her); sketching, painting, beach trips together for picnics and walks; cards, notes and calls of encouragement in both directions; both of us tracking and supporting each other’s life’s issues (parental illnesses, etc).
      I also was not too proud, and she judiciously offered me – first pick of her duplicate gifts, extras, and outgrown items (ahem – some with tags), so many of my items are “recycled.” While not always perfectly my style, for several years a basic white thrift store t-shirt, black costco leggings, and whatever she’d given me, were my go-to daily pick-me-up. It was never feeling like charity – she freely gives to others, too. (the whole circle “swaps” things that turn out to be bad color choices or fit once; their take is that it is easier to give it away than spend an hour in the return line for the $14.95 at marshalls)
      I had to make my own choices to pull myself out of the hole, but it was wonderful to have someone who cared about me regardless of the decisions I had made. (But again, I never whined and just quietly adapted my activities.). YMMV/

    8. myug*

      I have friends who make a lot more and noticeably less than me, and we all have varying amounts of disposable income due to factors in our lives. It might be that you want to take these vacations or go to money-needing events with her, as she is a dear friend and you want to share those moments with her, but in reality you have to realize that maybe Alice isn’t the one you can do those with. You are really the only one who is feeling awkward and, kind of insultingly, pitying her. She is clearly not upset when you talk about the things you can afford and is very contentious of what she can and cannot afford to do. She’s being a good friend in engaging you at your level and not being awkward because she herself can’t go on an international vacation or buy furniture upgrades. Not to pile on you, but I think the nicest thing you can do it not be “conscientious” as that will just make her feel (or start making her feel) more like the poor duck out. Just try to balance the amount of no-cost events in relation to the money ones – at this point that’s all you can do.

      If you are wondering, “Is Alice happy with the work she picked?” or, as I suspect, you are increasingly scared for her future when you hear that she can’t pay bills, then as a friend, you can use your time to help her find a less precarious career than as a freelance artist. Let her gain from your office-job knowledge, “Hey, we have graphic designers and their experience is blah blah blah. Or Position X lets you be creative in such and such way with a stable paycheck and you can freelance on the side.” If she refuses that, then c’est la vie. You’ve done what you can and either way, you can’t feel bad about making more money or her situation. She has to be the one that wants it to change – maybe she is just venting because it’s stressful but wouldn’t want to change her lifestyle because it does, deep down, truly fulfill her and make her happy. It’s like when people complain about their families – they love ’em but day-to-day they drive them nuts.

    9. Filosofickle*

      I had a year where everything was going amazingly well for me — my work was booming with income through the roof, plus a new relationship. But a lot of people around me were having a totally crap year. It made me feel awkward to share awesome news so I often stayed quiet. But I posted about this inner conflict on FB and everyone chimed in to say that they wanted me to share! That I deserve it and shouldn’t feel bad about celebrating. That my happiness gave them something to celebrate, too. That my joy would help me be there for those who are struggling.

      In your case it’s a bit more awkward because you’re specifically asking about money, and that’s harder than many other life topics. But I think the basic idea is still there. Also, it’s not your responsibility to tiptoe around her feelings, and in some ways it’s insulting to do so.

      It’s always kind to be aware when someone else has less money, which it sounds like you are. Ensuring you offer to do low and no-cost things. Making sure you pay all of your tab when you ordered the extra drink, and occasionally pick up a ticket without making them feel like a charity case. Show pics of your trip without saying jerky things like “OMG you would just LOVE Barcelona, you must go!” Just be yourself. Share your life. It’s ok!

  26. Sunny Sasha*

    Maybe I’m over-thinking things, please tell me if I am, but I got really annoyed at something I saw on social media. An old school friend ‘shared’ one of those inspirational posters of fancy text on a nature background. It said ‘True self-care is making a life that you don’t need to take a vacation from’.

    I don’t know why this made me so angry but it did. Not at my friend but the person who made it. It felt so condescending, like you clearly don’t have a worthwhile life if you feel the need to get away now and then. Even if you have a perfect freaking life, you have to take a break from reality at times, plus the fun of traveling and seeing something outside your normal routine.

    It was silly but it really annoyed me.

    1. JDC*

      I saw that too. I didn’t react to it much but now thinking about it, ya, annoying. It is ridiculous to think that we don’t need a break. I was asking husband the other day when son is going to his moms for fall break and he said “I don’t see why it matters”. Really? Because 17 year olds are exhausting! I love him, truly but find me one parent who doesn’t want a day away from the teenage drama and I will find you a dang liar. We all need a break from things in life. A change of scenery, no obligations for a few days. Even a wonderful life is full of daily mundane things and stress.

      1. Door Guy*

        I love my children to death and would do anything for them. But when my mom offered to take them overnight this weekend first thought in my head was “when can I drop them off!”

        1. Jdc*

          Amen! My husband once was kind of offended I said I needed time away from the kid and I said “why do you think babysitters exist?” and it clicked for him. I don’t care how much you love anyone, sometimes you need a day away. Heck, with the rain and my dogs being stir crazy I could use a break from them right now. Driving me bonkers. Mommy can only play for so many hours a day.

    2. Mary Connell*

      Yep, the brain needs to rest! And how would you do that anyway? Find the career that’s a perfect match, relationships that are entirely frictionless (meaning no kids, no in-laws?), a large trust fund, a large staff of household servants who take care of all the details of life and don’t have their own lives and stresses, no ethical dilemmas, no climate change, no traffic to speak of, good genes and perfect health, you don’t live somewhere where politics is a thing (a dictatorship, perhaps?), and you never have co-workers you want to write into AAM about?

      How do you create that kind of life?

    3. Angwyshaunce*

      Yeah, this is annoying. People post this kind of drivel because they think it makes them sound smart and enlightened.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Totally agree. Position of privilege and all that. Here is a person who has never held a dying dog or a crying child. They have never had to put a parent in a nursing home or fire a very likable employee. I could go on. In short, here is a person who has built themselves an ivory tower.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I dunno, though, I think sometimes people latch onto things like this simply because they resonate with something about them and don’t think any more deeply than that — as someone said below, maybe they’re in recovery and this sounds like “spend less time numbing out and ‘escaping’ and more time building a life you don’t need to escape from.” My dirty lenses are a friend who has had an objectively INCREDIBLY difficult life (adopted by emotionally abusive parents who manipulated her into giving up her own child for adoption when she was in her early 20s, spiral into alcoholism and drug abuse, lifelong struggle with depression, etc. etc.) who shares stuff like this a lot.

    4. Laura H.*

      The term Self-Care also feels very overused and almost buzzwordy, and not cognizant to the fact that it’s gonna be different for each person.

      My self-care is making sure I get out of the house and do something during the week, and while it’s by mere routine some weeks, it still helps. My sibling’s self-care is they bunk with a buddy Mon-Fri and only come home on the weekends. My self care wouldn’t be effective for them, and theirs isn’t feasible for me. Interaction with the sibling when they’re home on weekends is also part of my self-care and I’m always appreciative that they humor/honor my want of that.

      The above original idea ignores the fact that satisfaction comes from successful juggling of multiple moving parts, and also dealing with the less than pleasant fact that some things are going to slip. Finding your own balance is important. My balance might not look like yours. Yours may not look like mine. Self-care and balance are not one size fits all, and that’s more than ok with me.

    5. notmyusualname*

      I despise those posters/pictures. That’s probably why I find inspirobot so entertaining. Link above in my name

      3. Kathenus*

        Thanks for that, I hadn’t discovered this yet. I see a work avoidance rabbit hole in my future.

        Also, try despair-dot-com, they have ‘Demotivators’ which are snarky takes on inspirational posters, and you can even make your own.

      4. LGC*

        Thanks, I’m going to spend all weekend with that.

        (Two of the ones I got were “Seek lies, and you might achieve recognition” and “Deny evidence.” I feel like it’s trying to tell me something.)

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Maybe it’s telling you that you should read Mark Twain’s ‘On the Decay of the Art of Lying’.

      5. Weegie*

        Thank you for this – it’s hilarious!

        I actually got a ‘quote’ that was quite fun – I could see it on a postcard – but the first one was nonsense and made me laugh.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sure, it’s a good idea not to let every last annoyance become huge and unmanageable. But it takes time to learn to be assertive with oneself (“I deserve to sleep on clean sheets!”) or others (“I can’t drive you to XYZ this Sunday. I have another obligation.”) Plus life is not this absolutist and we’re not always in control. Extreme weather? Serious car crashes caused by the other person’s bad decisions? Chronic or fatal illnesses that slam into loved ones?
      Short sayings seem brilliant to some folks and annoying or infuriating to others.

      1. Mary Connell*

        Yeah, they’re colloquially called “deepities.” From urban dictionary: “A proposition that seems to be profound because it is actually logically ill-formed. A deepity balances precariously between multiple interpretations, at least one of which is obvious and trivial and at least one of which would be earth-shaking except that it is false.”

    7. Katefish*

      That’s obnoxious! I’m mostly content with where I am at this stage of life, and still need and crave downtime and escape. That’s human and healthy. Also, everyone needs respites to think and imagine.

    9. Come On Eileen*

      Some quotes like these make their way through sobriety/recovery circles — more phrased as “Recovery is more than quitting drinking — it’s creating a life you don’t need to escape from.” In that specific context, I really like it, because it reminds me how much I was numbing out and how I need to focus on doing things that bring me joy so I minimize times where I feel like numbing out. But it looks like a well-intended idea has morphed into a pithy catch-all quote that’s not doing anybody much good! Just wanted to share some context from my own life where similar quotes have been valuable to me.

      1. Filosofickle*

        This is how I see it, too. I don’t think the intention is to say you shouldn’t need take breaks / vacations. But I know a lot of people who are miserable and over-stressed in their day to day lives. It’s helpful for me to remember that anything I can do to make day to day life better is awesome, so that vacation becomes a wonderful add-on, not a band-aid over a sucky life. Sometimes there’s not much you can do (long work yours you can’t control, challenging caretaking, limited funds) but if you can find opportunities for more happiness and self-care in your daily life it’s a good thing.

    10. Beatrice*

      Maybe you’re not the intended audience? I have problems on multiple fronts in my life (job, marriage, family, friends) that I often feel like I need to escape from. My job in particular…I got a nice raise when I took it a year ago, but it’s so stressful that I spend that and more on additional self-care and entertainment to take my mind OFF it. And my problems in each area drain the mental energy I need to actually make things better instead of just taking off the edge without changing anything. I need to stick the job out another year for reasons, and some of the family/marriage stuff will get better at defined points in the future too, and I just need to hang on, but sometimes it’s helpful to be reminded that it’s better for my mental health to take proactive steps to make positive changes in my life, even if they’re hard/painful, instead of (or in addition to?) relaxing/distracting activities that make me feel better in the moment but don’t actually change anything. That’s what the described image means to me.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I think there’s a lot of truth to this. As written it can sound sanctimonious, like why is your life so bad you need vacation? Kind of like anyone who parent-shames those who, you know, hire a babysitter and go have an adult-only evening, because if you truly loved your kids you wouldn’t need adult-only alone time.

        But if instead you read it as “don’t let vacation be the only thing that makes life worth living” then it probably would appeal to more people. People need vacation, sure, there are a lot of benefits to taking a mental and physical break to the extent possible from the everyday. But, the everyday shouldn’t be so hard to deal with that it needs to be escaped from, and maybe this is providing motivation to some people to look at what is bothering them daily and what might be done to help. (I’m thinking in particular of people who are so stressed about work that they cry on a regular basis.) Recognizing that it’s not always possible to escape right away, it IS important to realize that the situation is bad and should be changed as soon as reasonably possible.

      2. Observer*

        Shrug. Even in your context this line seems ill formed. I get what you are saying – that ultimately you need to make some significant life changes. But in the short term, you have reasons why you cannot do those things RIGHT NOW. That does not make your band-aids not “real” self care. Sure, it’s treating symptoms rather than the root cause. But it’s still REAL, TRUE *and* USEFUL.

        A truer and more useful version of the sign – more true to your experience and you describe it, too – would not be anywhere near as pithy, though.

    12. Asenath*

      A lot of “inspirational” slogans seem really silly to me. I try to remember that they can be meaningful to others, and try not to make fun of them in front of people who do like them.

    13. Meepmeep*

      It seems to me like a reaction to an even more annoying trend – the idea that if you’re impossibly overworked, stressed out at home, never get enough sleep or rest, and are basically constantly exhausted, it can all be fixed by taking a bubble bath. As a working mom, I hate the “self-care” trend. No, I don’t need a bubble bath. I need to get enough sleep and to not be exhausted all the time. And the way our society is set up, I can’t do the latter; so I’m expected to magically be satisfied with a bubble bath once a week.

      1. Observer*

        It’s as annoying as the bubble bath remedy for being stretched to thin. They are both a glib waving away of the real issues that most people face.

    14. myug*

      It pisses you off because it’s silly. It’s like the people who mommy-shame because your child isn’t your entire personality and all you talk about. It’s forcing someone else’s extreme version of a thing (life, motherhood, marriage, work [don’t get me started on ‘get paid to do what you love’], what have you) and framing it as “you are a failure if you don’t do it like this.”

    15. Person from the Resume*

      I saw this and hated because it’s oblivious to realities of the world.

      Timing-wise a friend who works in a shelter for homeless youth had just posted that the new job was great but would be stressful and had talked about needing to be aware of self-care.

      We need people doing the hard work doctors, police, fire fighters, counselors, homeless shelter workers whose potentially sacrifice their own mental wellness to help others.

    16. Observer*

      This “inspirational” poster was written by someone who has been really, really lucky in life or is a selfish, self-centered and unreliable person who I would never want to have a relationship with. (Or Both)

      That sounds extreme, but it’s true. Life happens and you need to step up to the plate when it does. And sometimes life presents us with choices with are all less than optimal and we wind up in situations where were have to take on stress as the least bad or best choice. Which means that occasional breaks are useful.

      It’s not just about kids either – it’s about significant others as well, and sometimes friends. And occupations. Pretty much all of life.

  27. The Other Dawn*

    At the end of next week I’m headed to DC for a business trip. We’ll be taking the train there, so no car. I’m thinking we’ll get the SmarTrip card so we can take the train wherever we want to go. Probably the blue line since it appears to make the loop and hit everything. Any tips for getting around?

    Food recommendations? We’re not into fine dining, but also not looking for the typical well-known chains. Maybe a great steakhouse? Or a local burger place? A great diner?

    For things to do, we plan to hit the Mall and the museums and sites. Any you can think of that most tourists wouldn’t know about? We’re not into art galleries, but most other things we would probably like.

    1. IntoTheSarchasm*

      We went several years ago and did a tour called “Monuments By Moonlight.” It was very interesting and virtually no crowds. Not sure how late in the season they have it but possibly worth a look.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I’ll second the nighttime tour. When I went, it was still fairly busy, but not as bad as the daytime tours. And I was pleasantly surprised by some of the monuments; I knew about the famous ones (Jefferson and Lincoln memorials, etc.) but hadn’t known about the FDR one.

        As for recommendations for food, I was utterly delighted with the food at the Mitsitam Cafe in the National Museum of the American Indian. It’s cafeteria-style, but excellent quality and variety, featuring variations on native foods from different regions (Pacific Northwest, South America, Great Plains, etc.).

    2. Kathenus*

      My favorite restaurant when I was in DC was Afghan Grill in Woodley Park. Every time I’ve been there it’s fantastic.

    3. Washi*

      1. Yes, definitely get a SmartTrip! If you end up needing to take the bus, nextbus.wmata.com tells you when the next one is. I’m a bit confused about your blue line comment- just take whatever line is closest!
      2. Food: Rasika, either location, has amazing modern Indian food (but make a reservation online!) Busboys and Poets is a great local chain with awesome food. Generally, I like to eat around 6 because things get really busy around 7.
      3: Off the beaten path: Frederick Douglass house museum, Dumbarton Oaks garden (still probable pretty nice this time of year), Hillwood Estate, Building Museum (check the exhibits first to see if it’s interesting to you), Postal Museum, the Arboretum, Theodore Roosevelt Island.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I mentioned the blue line because it goes to Arlington Cemetery, whereas it looks like the others don’t.

        1. gwal*

          It’s easy to get to Arlington Cem. from other lines, too (yellow goes to Pentagon, which is just one stop away, for example).

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      A lot of recommendations– including transportation– depend on where you’re staying. Do you know what neighborhood you’re staying in?

      Don’t try to limit yourself to one Metro line. That’s impractical, especially since you’re coming in to Union Station, which is on the Red Line. I find the DC Metro to be fairly easy to navigate, but then I consider myself to be a New Yorker, so YMMV. However, Metro stations, especially in tourist areas, usually have very helpful staff. Just remember that on escalators we stand on the right and walk on the left! This is especially key during rush hour. Also, keep your card handy because you need it to exit stations as well as enter them.

      One of my favorite districts for food is Penn Quarter, very close to the Mall. The restaurants there aren’t cheap, but you’ll find all of Jose Andres’ spots (Jaleo, Oyamel, China Chilcano) and Rasika, which is wonderful Indian (more upscale).

      If you want to try Ethiopian food, DC is the place to do it. We’re partial to Dukem on U Street, but there are a bunch in various neighborhoods. For the best food recs, look up Tom Sietsema’s reviews. I like his style and he’s very balanced between high-end and casual.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Then you’re close to Penn Quarter, and Metro Center (right near your hotel) serves the Red, Blue, Orange and Silver lines. You won’t have a problem getting places!

      2. Reba*

        I strongly recommend Bindaas if you are a somewhat adventurous eater, it’s a little sister restaurant to Rasika. You can’t go wrong with any of Jose Andres restaurants. I especially like Oyamel, the taco place, and Zaytinya mediterranean, both very accessible from your hotel. My fave Ethiopian is Zenebech on 18th St.

        Agree with others that historic home tours can be great, the area is stuffed with them and they are less overwhelming than the SI museums. (I know you said you’re not that into art, but really some of the less-visited SI units, such as Freer-Sackler and African art, are true gems.) Postal museum is surprisingly great as well! The Library of Congress tour is also cool! The Kennedy Center tour is supposed to be good — I haven’t done it myself, AND the KC is kindof a pain in the ass to get to on public transit, but it is, of course, iconic. And they have just opened a brand new extension to the campus.

        Enjoy your trip!

        1. Reba*

          Oh yeah, I use the Transit app (it has a green icon) to plan routes on Metro / bus. Between Metro and the occasional Lyft or taxi you should be just fine getting around.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        We moved in late June and I have been waiting for cooler weather so I can get a chili half-smoke. Yes, I know they can be enjoyed in the summer, but I am quirky like that.

    6. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Library of Congress! Beautiful building and the exhibitions can be pretty awesome. You can even read books in the reading rooms if you get a reading card. They have millions of books and other things. If you’ve ever wanted to read up on an obscure topic, that’s the place to do so. Or just take a tour.

    7. Ali G*

      I highly recommend visiting Abraham Lincoln’s home. It is where he and his family stayed leading up to the Civil War. It’s a very well done program.
      The DC food scene has exploded in the last decade so you almost can’t go wrong. The options will vary depending where you are staying. I would advise to not try to eat anything more than a lunch on the run near the mall or other touristy areas. Try to get more into the neighborhoods or even the business areas.
      Definitely get a SmartTrip card. They have a day rate where you can ride as much as you want between like 7 am and 7 pm (or something like that). That’s better than loading a bunch of money on it that you can’t get back if you don’t use it.
      Have fun!

    9. Blarg*

      Look at the DC Circulator maps. They are a bunch of bus routes that do loops, running every ten minutes. Starting Oct 1, each ride is $1, and you can use your Metro SmartCard. They don’t always show up as Google maps options, I think because they don’t use a hard schedule (they just try to keep them spaced every 10 min), but they are often the best option for going between tourist-centric areas.

      A lot of things are closer together than they seem. Just keep your directions straight … you don’t want to end up on K St SW when you meant to be on K St NW.

      Because all the embassies are here, there’s incredibly good food from every corner of the globe. Everyone wants a taste of home. Branch out. Try something new!

      The African American history museum is phenomenal, and no longer requires you to get passes in advance on weekdays. The cafeteria at the Native American museum is yummy (not cheap, but good place to spend). The National Archives (where the Constitution is) is sometimes jam packed, line outside. And sometimes, later in the day, it’s just ,,, empty. No line even inside.

      Have fun. Bring good walking shoes. Don’t be afraid to wander. It’s a very small city geographically. You can always find a way back. :)

    10. Marcy*

      Amazing Italian food at Filomena’s in Georgetown. And you can walk to Georgetown Park where there is a lovely walkway by the Potomac River.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Great timing–the Washington Monument just reopened!
      The National Zoo is one of the (free) Smithsonian museums — and their snack places have better food than the average attraction. The National History Museum has a butterfly center that is worth the extra $ and line, as long as you don’t hate fluttery things of course. I had a bright green shawl that they were attracted to– daughter&I shared it and then with a little girl who was desperate for a butterfly to land on her…and it worked.
      The 12yo says ‘it’s silly but I LOVED seeing the National Clock.” (Look on Atlas Obscura: U.S. Naval Observatory Master Clock)
      I don’t know how accessible it is by public transit, but we liked NASA Goddard Visitor Center. It’s near the family event we went down for, so we picked it just for convenience, and it was a good surprise. Missiles & modules outside, details of current NASA projects inside, and a movie theater in the round for those of us whose feet wore out. Free science pamphlets for kids who are into it… older kids who are into STEM and tslk with the docents may well find themselves getting an internship spiel. :)

    13. Thankful for AAM*

      2nding what others said:
      Try Ethiopian food, DC is the place in the US for this
      Building museum is one of my favs, but check the exhibita b4 you go
      Postal museum tower if you cannot get Washington monument tickets
      Holcaust museum

    16. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks, everyone! Lots of great ideas here.

      Yesterday I spent some time on both the hotel and Metro websites, which helped me see where the trains/buses go, and how to get to and from the closet Metro station near the hotel–hotel lobby connects right to it! Had someone not said upthread that Union Station is on the red line and it goes to the Metro station that connects to the hotel lobby, I probably would have been taking an Uber to the hotel. I live in an area where most people drive, so I don’t have a lot of experience navigating public transit. It took me awhile to decide to take the Amtrak down to DC. In my mind I’m thinking, “What will I do without my car?!” But I know driving can be a pain there and parking is 60.00/night at the hotel. I’ll be happy to not have to deal with traffic and driving in a congested area.

      I also checked out the website for the nighttime trolley tours. They also have daytime tours, which might be good for my husband to do while I’m at the conference. It will be interesting for me to see how well he entertains himself over the course of 2.5 days while I’m in the conference. He skipped going to California with me twice, which is where it was two years in a row, because he was worried he couldn’t find something to do for that long. DC will be different, I think, because he loves history.

      1. Washi*

        Sorry if this is a really basic comment – but if you use google maps and select the little train icon to the right of the car, it tell you how to get somewhere on public transit! If you’re a good walker, I would recommend selecting “fewest transfers” under the options menu, since sometimes it recommends taking a bus what I would consider a very walkable distance.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Haha thanks! Yes, I saw that and used it a couple times while I was looking yesterday. It’s not too basic, though, since I typically drive everywhere and hadn’t noticed that until this weekend. :)

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          For sure! We made it to the Museum of African American History and Culture and spent two hours on one single floor– then we left because hey, we can go back and it’s free. :-) But it’s very freeing to be able to wander through any of the Smithsonian museums and leave if you’re not feeling it or you just want to see a few things.

  28. aarti*

    Suggestions, experiences, etc., on supporting a far-away younger relative with a difficult family situation.

    Some background: My sister in law and her husband have an extremely fraught relationship. They’re not a good match for a lot of reasons but for social/religious reasons they won’t get divorced. They shout, argue, give each other the silent treatment. Things got really bad last year and our 11 year old nephew lived with us for six months. He’s back living with his parents now and my husband and I are struggling to find ways to stay in his life. He doesn’t have a phone, so we have to call his parents’ cells. We are too far away to visit regularly. I’m already planning to book him a ticket if he wants to come visit during his holidays.

    Any other thoughts on what we can do to remain a positive force in this kids life?

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Enroll him in an out-of-the-house activity that he finds interesting and can get to on his own? Or a museum membership or tickets to a nearby movie theater? Or support his interest in at-home pursuits (science kits, reading, arts & crafts, learning the local plants)? Or go old-school and become pen pals via U.S. mail?
      But to paraphrase Carolyn Hax in yesterday’s Live chat, I’m already crying. You are doing so much good for this kid.

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        Most places don’t allow children under 13 to come to activities on their own, though. They always need a parent on site.

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      A weekly letter with SASE included, or at least post cards.
      Does he have a computer, so you could Skype?
      If not, could you get him a computer – maybe game with him? Minecraft is good for all ages, there’s a lot of interesting options and servers. I think there’s headsets that let you actually talk to people too. My 11yo has been nuts about Minecraft for 3 or 4 years now.

    4. migratingcoconuts*

      Can you get him a phone? or an iPad or computer so you can FaceTime or Skype? Try writing letters and sending things to him through snail mail. Kids always love getting mail. Maybe he can go to a friends house and use their phone/computer, or maybe reach out to his school and see if a counselor there could set up a weekly chat on one of the school’s computers. Or just email. And no matter what communication method you use, always tell him you are there for him. Constantly reassure him of that. Tell him he can tell you anything at anytime. That lifeline you provide will be the stability he needs. And never be afraid to involve Children’s Protective Services if you feel it’s warranted.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Will he read books on a regular basis? Perhaps you could send well chosen books.
      If you send a card with money in it, will the parents take the money?

      1. aarti*

        Yeah we send him books. I don’t think his parents would take money but I’d rather send things anyway. Whenever I visit him in person I always give him some cash though

    6. aarti*

      Thank you for these messages! I forgot to mention, we’re not in the US but sending old fashioned letters is a good idea especially including postage so he can write back.

      His family lives in a rural place because of his dad’s job, so internet is a bit of an issue. He doesn’t have a computer but we’ve been thinking about getting him a tab or even smart phone if his parents okay it.

      Long term, we’re hoping to either get him into a boarding school or have him come stay with us as, among other things, the schools in our city are better.

    7. Blarg*

      Have a plan of when he will come visit you next. Buy him a plane ticket. Even if it is absurdly expensive because you are buying it very far in advance. Having a date on his calendar, a countdown to some peace and quiet, will give him something to look forward to. Frame it as you miss him. He’s doing you a favor.

      My aunt sent me to visit my cousin at her college when I was 14. Told me she was homesick. Really, my situation at home was crappy and aunt wanted to get me a breather. That trip was 25 years ago and I am still so thankful.

      And … worry more about him than your relationship with your sister. If he wants to live with you permanently, and your hesitation is your sister … choose him. Please. I wish it had been done for me. Cause guess what? I lived at home til I graduated high school, everyone in the family “kept the peace,” and we still all have terrible relationships. It didn’t save anything. But it cost me a lot. Don’t make the kid bear the brunt of it if he doesn’t want to.

      1. aarti*

        Thank you for this perspective and I’m sorry you went through that. We’re definitely planning his next trip here ASAP.

        Nephew is for sure our #1 priority. We’re currently trying to change his living situation by stressing the importance of education as I mentioned in the comment above.

    8. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Bleck. I grew up in a house where my dad & his wife stayed together ‘for the kids’. It was horrible.
      Do they think that they are going to get a freaking medal for staying together? . Because APPARENTLY putting your kids through hell doesn’t count?
      Make sure they he knows that it’s not his fault. And when they talk trash about each other – that they are NOT talking about him. Seriously. I remember as a kid thinking that my parents /must/ hate me, because I was part of each of them.
      Don’t talk about his parents, unless he brings it up. Or ask if he wants to talk about it. But no negative. He gets enough at home. Not even if you don’t think that he can hear – he probably can. Keep that for when he not staying with you (remembering the times that my mom & grandma trashed my Dad).

  30. BayBreeze*

    I have an older small breed dog, 14 yrs old Papillon, who has recently developed a weird eating habit. She’s always been a bit of a messy eater, dropping pieces of food while she chews, but now she is deliberately taking bites of food from her bowl and dropping them on the floor before eating them. She’s also now trying to ‘cover’ the food on occasion, nosing at the mat under her bowls like she’s trying to flip it and hide her food.

    There are no other animals in the house that she would need to be protective of her food. She still

    1. BayBreeze*

      (Oops, my fingers hit send on my touchscreen, sorry!)

      She still has a good appetite, eats all of her food like she’s always done. It’s just this weird habit now of breaking off pieces to drop on the floor and trying to ‘hide’ them before she eats. I’ve never seen her do this in her entire life so it seems so odd now. Thoughts?

      1. Ali G*

        When was the last time she was at the vet? My dog got weird with his food when he had dental problems. At her age, she could have some tooth issues that are making her try to find different ways to eat to avoid pain. If she hasn’t been to the vet in a while, I would get her teeth checked out.

      2. Forty Years In the Hole*

        I second the dental check -had a 20+ year old cat that was nosing and gumming her food, but that was due to her canine teeth loosening and starting to fall out from advanced age and kidney shutdown.
        It might just be a quirk due to the aging process but this sounds more behavioural – either not liking the food, or something cognitive ie reverting to a more feral state of caching food, as a wild dog/wolf might do. At 14 – a good, long life for many breeds – maybe start looking for other behaviours not noted before. A family member’s 13 year old dog started panting, pacing and always wanted to sleep in the snow; it grew into a form of Canine Cognitive Disorder (CCD). It comes on gradually for some dogs; others show no symptoms. Lots of info on the web on CCD, and chat with your vet or one that specializes in canine behaviour might provide insight. Loving ear skritches for your Pappi.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This almost sounds like she thinks she has too much food. My guy is 10. I noticed that he wasn’t taking his vitamins like he used to. One day I was a little low on dog food. (I do home cooked.) So breakfast was smaller than usual, but I knew I’d be able to give him more in a little bit once stuff cooked. He finished his vitamins. Then it dawned on me that he is no where near the wild child he used to be and he does not burn up energy like he used. I was giving him food as if he was still 3 years old.
      It could be that she wants smaller meals or perhaps just make one meal a day little smaller and see what happens.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My elder dog (almost 12) started taking mouthfuls of her kibble out of her bowl and dropping them on the floor, then eating them off the floor, a little while back. I thought maybe she was having an issue with the bowl itself, so I started putting her food on a plate instead, and no more putting all the food on the floor first! She’s a bigger dog, so I don’t know if maybe she just decided that the sides of the bowl were crowding and didn’t give her enough room to move her head around or what? But it might be worth a shot to try a plate or a shallower bowl. (Mine never tried to cover the food though.)

    4. ThatGirl*

      Our dog (approx 8 years old, Maltese-poodle mix) frequently put a few bits of kibble on the floor not far from his bowl, but he almost always walks over and eats them within a few minutes. I thought it was just one of his weird quirks.

    5. Kuododi*

      My first dog (chow/husky), would take his food by mouthfuls and go from the dog dish in the kitchen to the carpeted area in the living room. Then he would eat bite by bite doing his routine. He would also “bury” his treats all around the living room area and then go back to eat them later. The vet we consulted SD a certain amount of this behavior simply connected back to primitive dog where they would move the “kill” to a safe location to not lose dinner to the local scavengers. The vet did check my doggos dental health to rule out any physical distress which could account for the behavior around food. Since he was physically in great shape, the vet SD the behaviors were simply one of the many delightful aspects of life with dogs. Have fun!!!

  31. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    Mine continues the slow slide to end of life. A few tomatoes have ripened so that is good news, and the sunflowers are doing very well, but the rest of it is turning brown. I need to clean it up in preparation for next year, and will plant garlic in a couple weeks, nothing more.

    1. Naomi*

      We’ve been having a bumper crop of raspberries and cherry tomatoes this year. Hoping for some big tomatoes before the cold sets in.

    2. Environmental Compliance*

      Ours is still doing pretty well. We have so, so many tomatoes. I think we’ve harvested around 60 lbs so far and still have more growing. Our peppers are still producing as well. The woodchuck ate the beans, corn, and gourds, so those are done. Still occasional strawberries too. Our zucchinis are done (finally, those were never-ending!).

      We’ll be mulching in most of the beds soon with the plant waste on top of it, then putting a layer of manure, and mulching leaves on top of that come leaf drop.

    3. Texan In Exile*

      My cosmos started to bloom. Today. I planted them in May. We are going out of town today. There will probably have frost before we return, which means they will probably be dead when we get back.

    4. PX*

      Autumn is properly arriving here in the UK so I’ve brought my plants indoors…Anyone know if it’s worth waiting for tomatoes to ripen on the vine if they will get basically no sun? Because now appears to be when my plants are properly fruiting… *rolls eyes*

      1. Venus*

        It can’t hurt to keep them on the vine. They should ripen on a counter-top without sunlight, so the plant may not do well but the fruit should still ripen. Good luck!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Were starting to plan for bringing things indoors. I have pulled the empty pots out to evaluate & clean. And we’re talking about how to rearrange the living room better this year. Last year we had all plants along one window, and it made a bug boulevard.
      We have 2 steel wire shelving units on wheels, with LED tube lights mounted underneath the shelving and plastic liners to catch water. Big planters like the dwarf banana go onto a wheeled dripcatcher dolly. The stevia’s window box just barely fits onto a storage tub lid on top of the old entertainment center.
      The kitchen also sprouts plants, because citrus needs warmth, and we keep the LR cool. Last year I used a wall-mounted task light with a white spectrum LED in it. (My farm-raised engineer says the bulbs should be labelled 5k.)
      One big geranium did well in a west-facing window, no other light. Last year we overwintered planters in the garage under the house, away from the drafty big door. Big drawbacks: I couldn’t use my garage! And pests overwintered too. Current thought is the fig will go there but the rest come inside the house or are given up.
      (Other Dawn, do you want some plants for your gym?)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks anyway, but I’m a plant killer when it comes to indoor plants! I seem to have broken the cycle caring for hanging baskets and my veggie garden, but I can’t seem to manage once a plant comes inside.

        Speaking of critters, being that my gym is outside and not 100% airtight yet, I’m finding some weird-ass bugs in there! Once flew in while my husband was in there and he told me it was a mosquito. This thing was HUGE! I’ve never seen a mosquito that big, but he says it was. Stink bugs seem to like it in there, too. I loathe those things.

    7. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      It’s still in the 90s here (uggghhhh) but it hasn’t rained in forever. My garden looks better than it has looked all summer. Even though it’s fall.

    10. The Other Dawn*

      I’m trying to decide if I want to move my herbs from the raised bed into my garden, the one I had completely demolished in the spring. I still don’t know what I want to plant out there, but I’d like to move my oregano, thyme, and sage out there since it’s completely overtaken the 4×8 raised bed. I’m thinking how would be an OK time to do that, I guess?

      I have a few tomatoes left, which I’ll probably pull today and let them ripen in the sun. (I’ll be making Bulgarian mish mash with all the other tomatoes I pulled last week–it’s my favorite way to use up tomatoes.) Jalapenos have stopped and so have the habaneros, but I have a ton of new flowers on the habanero plant. Maybe it’s getting a second wind? My beans need to be pulled up. They didn’t do well this year since something chomped on them early in the season.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The farm-raised engineer says probably you will have better luck transplanting herbs in the spring. Right now they wouldn’t have time to reset their roots. I’ll suggest that if your garden bed is overwhelmed, you could transplant half of them and see what happens.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          That makes sense–thanks! They’ll be fine until spring. I’ll just have to make sure I catch them before they start growing like crazy for the season.

  33. Environmental Compliance*

    Venting a bit…

    Knitting a pi vest for a lovely friend of my mom’s, who bought the kit and got very overwhelmed. The pattern? It’s crappy, not going to lie. It’s full of math mistakes, typos, nonsensical directions. The yarn? So. SO. Tangly!!!! It’s oddly skeined – the skeins themselves are horribly tangled somehow, no matter what I do, and I go through a ton of yarn, usually handmade/handdyed. It’s also incredibly twisty. I have to hand-ball it, as it nearly breaks my swift & winder if I try it there from all the tangles. I think I have spent an equal amount of hours de-tangling as I have knitting the vest.

    The vest will be gorgeous when I’m done, but good lord – who sells a kit like this??! The designer’s errata – made by a fellow Raveler, not the designer!!- is as long as the pattern itself. Literally. And there have been no comments by the designer or errata published by them, it’s all through the five or so people that have muddled through. The design is 5 years old, and the designer is still active – the kit was purchased in the last 6 months or so.

    And, all the pictures show the center section (in a different colorway that the rest) as quite variegated, but with the skein of yarn that the kit came with, there is no difference in color, though the tag itself is different.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It sounds like it’s too late to return the kit. I am amazed you are sticking with it. This type of thing ends up at the back of my closet and gets throw out 15 years later. I think you should put up a comment.

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        It is, unfortunately! And the friend was very upset tbh about the kit. I’m salvaging so that she can wear the vest.
        She’s probably dropped at least $100 on the kit, and I can’t convince her to not pay me $100 as she’s insisting on.

        I’m definitely leaving a comment on Rav. Lots of notes on my project page too.

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        I’ll be doing both. I’m a bit upset for this friend of the money she’s already dropped on this thing.

        1. mystiknitter*

          I just poked around Ravelry and think I found the pattern and kit – and read the notes left by other unhappy knitters! I _hate_having to re-engineer patterns! Takes all the pleasure out of knitting (and with lace knitting, there’s no real fun in looking at what your hands have been creating while knitting – the magic is all in the blocking, right?) You are a better knitter than I am; I would have bailed on the yarn when it became clear it really didn’t want to be an orderly ball, and then maybe found another pattern all together – but after all the money and time sunk into this project already…at least it’s not a chenille which will worm afterwards. Or very hairy mohair which resists frogging and is the dickens to count stitches. Good luck! Do you have some other satisfying WIP to alternate with?

          1. Environmental Compliance*

            If it were my project, I would have thought about bailing. I probably would have never bought this yarn though tbh lol.

            There’s 11 projects I think with 3 comments linked to this pattern. And the pattern is $6.50! I design patterns as well. Mistakes happen! But you make the change and send out the revised version. The kit got this is being sold still for $96. It’s not cheap! Even the yardage doesn’t match right. This designer also dyes yarn, they have a retail physical store. I guess I would expect a designer who can afford to set up and keep up a retail location and offer kits to make sure the pattern is halfway decently written?

  34. PhyllisB*

    Family updates: My granddaughter, who went into welding….has dropped out. She was doing great, and her instructor begged her not to leave the program. I’m so sorry, but I know if her heart’s not in it… and after all, she’s only 18 and I realize when you’re 18 it’s hard to know what you want to do with your life. Her counselor told her that in October she can get into the teacher’s program. This is what she initially wanted to do, but didn’t think she was “smart” enough. I will do other update in a separate comment.

    1. Fikly*

      I have found it so valuable to try different career paths. It can be so hard to predict what will actually work for you. Welding sounds like something that is hard to try before you buy, unfortunately. Good for her for realizing now and having the strength to drop out.

    2. Observer*

      I’m so glad her counselor is going to help her get into the teaching program. If her heart is there, it’s a really good move. And I am sure she is “smart enough”. I hope she finds her self-confidence.

    3. anonagain*

      The interesting thing about quitting is: at some point you go from being a person who dropped out of welding school to a person who once studied welding for a bit.

      And that’s really quite cool.

  35. PhyllisB*

    My other update: went to see attorney for grandson in jail. Attorney wants to go before the State Supreme Court and do an oral argument for moving his case back to youth court and perhaps getting him into a rehab facility. Of course, there’s no guarantee the court will hear the argument, or even act on it, but he told us that since he’s been certified as an adult he’s looking at 15-20 years. If he goes before a jury. More than likely they will do a plea bargain if this doesn’t work.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Fingers crossed on this. At his age he has no idea how harsh things can get, our systems seem to be very disconnected from this fact. Maybe this judge will understand.

      1. PhyllisB*

        We’re hoping. This child needs help, not incarceration. As I’ve said before, I realize he can’t be “free” but he doesn’t need to be locked up with adult criminals either. He’s about to turn 17. He has been locked up in one form or fashion ever since he was 14.

        1. Sam I Am*

          I just want to say I’m thinking of you and I hope you’re doing ok. Best of luck to you and your family.

    2. MatKnifeNinja*

      I remember your grandson’s issues.

      Does the attorney know of a rehab place that will even take your grandson? It’s not so much the original charges that make it hard, it’s the running away that makes placement difficult.

      In my state, the case could get punted back to the youth division, but it would still be in a juvenile max prison because of the previous elopement.
      No real rehabilitation takes place there either. :(

      One thing I do know, is don’t take a plea bargain if the person has no chance in hell of following it. My friend’s son pleaded out and got so much for time served. It was a drug offense, and 6 months onto the probation process, he failed the drug screen. He had to serve the rest of the 5 year sentence. Didn’t help he didn’t keep up with his outplacement rehab counseling. He’s 19 .

      With prison overcrowding, and good behavior, there is a better chance of getting out earlier with less restrictions.

      I know for my state, your grandson’s charges would be in adult court. Unless he is eventually diagnosed with FASD or TBI, the mental health diagnosis don’t do much to sway it back in the youth system.

      I hope younger the outcome you want.

      In my state, manslaughter can get less time than what your grandson is looking at. Go figure…

      1. PhyllisB*

        Mat, good point on rehab taking him. I’m concerned about him following the rules also. I mean, this child has run away at six times (talking about starting at 14) has escaped juvenile twice and stolen five vehicles.
        His mother was talking to him last night and Grandson thinks it’s a bad idea to try for Supreme Court and wants us to ask the attorney to try to get his bond reduced. (If you remember, it’s set for $500,000.00.) His mother told him no way because he can’t be trusted. He responded “Don’t you think someone can change in 10 months?” Yes, but can’t be trusted not to run. I will give updates as I have them.

        1. Sam I Am*

          My family member had to get themselves out, my family couldn’t take the risk anymore of having them around. They eventually did get themselves out of jail. They had the benefit of a good education, so it helped them find the way and be able to write many, many letters to many, many people to get into the programs then out to the counselors & the PO’s and to jump through the hoops. I don’t have faith that they would be doing as well as they are if the family had set up the solutions for them. We’d already gone down that route, and they weren’t able to change at that point.
          TL;DR.. his mom is right. You can love someone and still not trust them. Good luck.

  36. Naomi*

    Anyone here watch Suits? Particularly any lawyers? I haven’t watched much of it, but I checked in for a bit of the final season and… is this situation as ridiculous as I think it is? There’s a wrongful termination case where the lawyers for both sides were directly involved in the events, resulting in BOTH lawyers being called to the stand as witnesses… I mean, IANAL but this seems like the conflict of interest from hell.

    1. Filosofickle*

      Wow, it’s still on? I bailed after…Season 3 maybe? I have a pretty high tolerance for ridiculous but there’s a limit. Sounds like it’s still as wacky as ever.

  37. Flu Shots for Everybody*

    Everybody planning on getting a flu shot?
    CDC is recommending getting the shot as soon as possible this year.

    I still need to get mine. I’ve been getting the shot every year for the past 20 and I’ve not gotten the flu. I’m either lucky or the shot works.

    Also way less painfull compared to the Shringx shot, which left me with a very sore shoulder for several days; had trouble lifting my arm above my head.

    1. Laura H.*

      Getting mine next week. Sibling will take me when they go grocery shopping for the household. I have stuff to do today plus springing requests on sibling without any notice is not a habit I want to slip back into.

    2. Mimmy*

      I’ll probably get mine in a couple of weeks when I see my primary physician. Other than some soreness, I’ve never had any problems.

    3. Parenthetically*

      I have a midwife appointment in a few days and I’ll be asking about it then. With a baby due this winter, you better believe I’m expecting everyone around me to be vaxed up.

      1. Overeducated*

        Good luck! I brought this up with my family recently since I have a baby coming soon and they were like “uh…we never get the flu so we choose not to get the vaccine.” One of them is immunocompromised and another spends tons of time helping my 90 year old grandfather, so why the ones who can get it don’t already is baffling to me. I will bring it up another time or two before they visit for the holidays!

        1. Parenthetically*

          My parents always get theirs, fortunately! With my son I had to ask my father-in-law and an uncle to make sure they were up on their Tdap — I am FULLY paranoid about whooping cough — but he was a summer baby, so I was less worried. This one will be here in December or January, which, you know… germs.

          (And congrats!)

    4. fposte*

      I always do mine in October, which seems to be the recommended sweet spot for timing; earlier than that and I risk having lowered immunity during the inevitable spring university flare-up.

      Shingrix put me in bed the day after as well as making my arm sore; at least with the second dose I was ready for it. Still vastly better than getting shingles!

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I always get mine. When you work with 120 germ factories, it’s just a good idea. I usually just pop into the pharmacy, or sometimes a pharmacist parent comes to school and does everyone who wants one in an afternoon.

    6. Rebecca*

      Just got mine this morning at the grocery store pharmacy – with my insurance, it’s free if I do it that way. Have been getting the shot for the past 23 years. Had the flu once; it was the year where there was a shortage, finally got my shot at the end of October/beginning November but got the full blown flu a few weeks later, not enough time for immunity.

      I can feel the antibodies growing!! :) :) :)

    7. Miki*

      Got mine on Tuesday. This one left me with a sore shoulder (luckily I always get it in my non-dominant arm) for 3 days, but no fever. Male coworker also had his on the same day but with no sore shoulder.

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Yeah – normally I don’t get them but I’ll be immune system compromised this season so…to the doctor we go, probably this week. Same with Other Half, hes going to have to suck it up.

    9. Nessun*

      Planning on getting it next week. And may I say it heartens me to see how many people are getting it! It’s so important to do so if you can.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I got mine at a work event earlier this week. Target pharmacies do them (free for most insurances) and hand out a $5 coupon with it, for anyone who might find that useful.

    11. Clisby*

      I got mine at the same time as the Shingx. Fortunately, it occurred to me to ask for the Shingx in my left arm since I’d never had it before – my arm hurt for days. (The shot itself didn’t particularly hurt.)

    12. Asenath*

      I always get mine as soon as the clinics open. I started years ago when I tended to get really bad colds, and thought “If a mere chest cold makes me this miserable, do I want to risk the flu??”. And I had a job in which I met a lot of people and I swear I picked up every damn virus that was on the go. I’ll be getting mine as soon as the local public clinics are set up.

      I never had any kind of a serious reaction to a flu shot, or, for that matter to any of the other vaccinations I’ve had, including a shingles vaccine (not Shringx. an earlier version).

    13. Fikly*

      I really really want mine, but unfortunately I’m currently on a high dose of oral steroids, and I’m crossing my fingers to get those down before I try the flu shot, because they can make it less effective.

    14. Filosofickle*

      I’ve never had one; thinking about it this year. I have an egg yolk allergy so for years it was recommended I not get the shots. Then they came out with the spray, but my medical org didn’t provide those (and were terribly unhelpful about it). Now they’re saying it’s safe for me to get the shot. Dunno.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        If you can eat lightly cooked eggs or birthday cake it’s generally okay to get the flu shot, and there’s an egg free version I believe that might be an option for you.

      2. A few things are nice*

        My son has a serious egg allergy and has had the normal flu shot for the past several years. (He can’t eat eggs in baked goods). No issues with the shot. Obviously go with what your doctor tells you, though, since your allergy may be offering from his.

      3. Filosofickle*

        Oh, I expressed myself unclearly — the “dunno” doesn’t go with “they’re saying it’s safe”. Yes, it seems clear it’s safe for me to get a shot! They’ve debunked that. What I don’t know is if I’ll get one after going without all these years…I believe in vaccinations in general, I’m just not convinced the flu shot specifically is super helpful. It might help, it might not. I very rarely get sick, I work at home, no kids/immunocompromised folks in my radius.

        1. Agnodike*

          Even if the flu shot is 30% effective, that’s 30% more effective than no flu shot! Everybody has never had the flu until the first time they get it, and you don’t want to be the person who unwittingly gives someone’s frail grandma the flu at the grocery store because you don’t have symptoms yet and don’t know you’re sick.

          1. AnonoDoc*

            Not to mention, the percentages of protection quoted are getting the flu at all. Even if you still get the flu, if you have had the shot you are MUCH less likely to end up hospitalized or dead from it. Last year we had 79,000 deaths from flu in the US, and around here we had young, previously completely healthy people dying from it.

        2. tamarack and fireweed*

          40,000 deaths averted over a 9-year study period as per the CDC in the US is good enough for me, so I’m now getting it. Even in the absolute worst year of effectiveness it still meant a few hundred deaths, a few thousand hospitalizations and a few tens of thousands doctors visits saved.
          (And it’s unlikely to be my own death that is averted, but conceivably that of my elderly upstairs neighbor.)

    15. Claire (Scotland)*

      I usually get mine through my workplace for free, but I haven’t heard yet if they’re doing them this year. I should ask someone about that! If not, I’ll go to one of the clinics and get it done during October.

      1. Lilith*

        I got mine about 10 days ago in dominant arm. Sore for maybe 24 hrs?? But the new shingles vax?? Ow!! Sore for nearly a week & I have to get the 2nd one soon!

    16. Enough*

      Considering it. I’m 64 and had the flu for the first time in February. Not fun. For me the worst part was the lack of energy and muscle strength.

    17. NeverNicky*

      The free clinics started this week but there’s a shortage of vaccines this year so they are for over 65s only. Other at-risk people (like myself) will be vaccinated mid-October.

      And this medicine shortage is BEFORE Brexit …

      1. Clisby*

        Are they recommending an MMR booster for someone who’s had measles, mumps, and rubella? Or just for younger people?

        1. Arts Akimbo*

          Even adults need boosters, yes. Your titers can drop off a lot, especially for measles antibodies. You can have your titers checked before getting an MMR booster, but I told my doc I’d just as soon get stuck with one needle as two, so I didn’t bother checking my titers.

          The CDC website has an adult booster vaccine schedule, which is really useful.

        2. Filosofickle*

          There’s also a donut hole of people who got the measles shot during specific years in the 60s and it wasn’t sufficient so they need to be revaccinated.

    19. LibbyG*

      Elizabeth West mentioned in last weekend’s thread that she got hers, which nudged me to get mine and make an appointment for my kids!

      2. LibbyG*

        I like to think about how flu shots also function as a drill for responding to a pandemic. In my little town of 8,000 (probably a market center for about 20,000?), there are at least six places that can do vaccine injections. I like to think that when I get my flu shot I’m also helping renew that public-health infrastructure.

    20. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Last time I didn’t get the flu shot, I got the flu — during the East Coast polar vortex event in winter 2013-14. I didn’t fully recover for about 2 months. Haven’t skipped the shot since.

      1. Gaia*

        Never got the flu shot until 2010 when, at 25 and otherwise healthy, I almost died from the flu.

        I will never again refer to a 24 hour bug as “flu” and I will never skip a flu shot.

    22. KayEss*

      I got into the habit over the years of waiting until November so others who needed it more (65+, immunocompromised, work with children or the public, etc.) could get theirs with less risk of shortages, but that hasn’t been an issue for quite a while now, so I think I’ll try to go next weekend! We just had a flu-like bug run through part of the office (I didn’t catch it, fingers crossed) so I should probably be more on top of it…

    23. Woman of a Certain Age*

      I always get one and think they help. At my comparatively new job in a large impersonal organization, we have a nurse’s station and they are offering them during the day. The thing is, it is so difficult to get away from my desk and the phones, that I’ll probably end up getting one someplace else.

    24. The night begins to shine*

      Yep, got mine earlier this week! Got my kids scheduled for next week. Now just need DH to get his. My father is severely immune compromised, so we all need to be done before we go visit in a few weeks.

    25. Elizabeth West*

      I already got mine.
      I don’t have any insurance and I’m off the poors program because I accidentally missed a co-pay but GoodRx has coupons on their website. I managed to get a quadrivalent vaccine at Walmart for around $25. There is NO WAY I can afford to get full-blown flu this year.

    26. TM*

      I get mine every year and I was planning on getting it this weekend, but I caught a cold Thursday. Everything I can find said I would probably be okay to get one (they don’t recommend it if you are seriously sick) but I don’t want to deal with the sore arm PLUS my cold symptoms. I will hit up the pharmacy Tuesday though.

      I don’t get the folks bragging about not getting the shot and not getting the flu anyway. All you need to to not get the shot and get the flu (the real one, not just a bad cold), be miserable for 2 weeks and in recovery for 2 or 3 times that to realize that maybe a shot won’t be so bad. A bright spot is my coworker who got the flu two years in a row is going to get the shot this year. :)))

    27. Best cat in the world*

      Funnily enough, I was going to post saying I’ll be getting it when they start giving it out at work but I got distracted. Well, I’m on night shift and I’ve just been caught by a manager and asked if I wanted it. So at 1 in the morning I was getting jabbed in the arm and I’m all covered now! We got a little chocolate for it, and a sticker, so I’m happy :)

    28. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Yes, but not sure when I can due to some annoying health stuff. I don’t think they’ll do it for a couple more weeks at least.

    29. Earthwalker*

      Yup, scheduled week after next, for that and pneumonia too. And hey, don’t forget the shingles shot when you hit 50. Husband’s cousin has just been telling him about how awful his case is, and it sounds really really miserable.

    30. vanillacookies*

      When I was a kid my father always took me to get it right at the beginning of October and that is still my habit now.
      I’ve gotten the flu both of the last two seasons unfortunately, but both times it was quite a mild case.

    32. Seeking Second Childhood*

      On the list… grocery store pharmacy for convenience because my office stopped doing them onsite. (No explanation either.)
      One greatgrandfather was a doctor and my grandparents & their siblings on both sides included RNs and ambulance corps, so I grew up on stories of how lucky I was to have vaccines: Dead siblings and grade school friends and 18yo army comrades…

  38. Spoons please*

    Anyone have the secret to creamy scrambled eggs? The Internet says cook slowly in a pan, no a pot, use low but maybe high heat, and be sure to never except always add a splash of dairy. And a lot seem to confuse creamy with wet/barely set. I will gag if I get gelatinous yolk.

    1. Parenthetically*

      My tricks are: 1) mix the eggs THOROUGHLY in a bowl, until the whites and yolks are totally indistinguishable and the mixture doesn’t cling to your fork/whisk but runs off like water, 2) use medium to medium low heat, and 3) stir constantly. I never add dairy to eggs, I think it makes them watery and tough.

    2. Kathenus*

      My mom’s secret was a splash of very cold water instead of milk. That’s what I do now and I think mine come out pretty well. So I just beat the eggs with a fork, add some seasonings, a splash of cold water and then scramble in a skillet with Pam cooking spray.

      1. Angwyshaunce*

        Indeed, I’ve read you’re never supposed to add dairy to scrambled eggs. I’ve heard to add a bit of water while stirring them, which will evaporate during cooking and make them fluffier.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Yep, I always whisk in some water, nice and fluffy. Cook in butter and take them off the heat when they’re just barely done, they will keep firming up.

    4. Ali G*

      As said above mix until completely uniform. Put a cold skillet on the burner, add some fat to prevent sticking (I use olive oil spray), add eggs, and cook on low-med low and stir constantly. It takes time but it works!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure what you mean by creamy, less lumps? Gelatinous yolk sounds like you are one who appreciates having the eggs well beaten.

      In the dairy section you can find “liquid eggs”, sorry I don’t have a better term. This could be just egg whites or it could be pourable eggs, no longer in the shell. They come in containers similar to milk cartons but smaller. Perhaps something like this would be a good match for your setting.

      I am wondering why you are torturing yourself here, it sounds like you are not big on eggs? (I know if I had to ask this question, eggs would be a no-go for me. I asked about sardines once. My uncle told me, “Well, YOU are probably not going to get past the smell, just turn and look at something else that you will actually eat. “)
      So going in a different direction, if you are looking for a protein for breakfast there are lentil pastas that might be appealing for you.

      1. Spoons please*

        I really like scrambled eggs! But for some reason I’ve been craving creamier eggs; I had some amazing eggs at the Wynne in Vegas years ago, and I want more.

    6. INside*

      Low and slow is my preferred method. Stir a lot too. This will get you cooked eggs that are all still yellow, meaning no overcooked brown bits that are fried too much in my opinion. Too high a heat will get you browned bits.

    7. Blue Skies and Black Hearts*

      Thoroughly beat the eggs with a splash of very cold milk, a little salt and black pepper. Then melt a little butter in a pot on a low heat, add the eggs slowly and cook while stirring constantly. Take off the heat just before fully set as they keep cooking in the warm pan, keep stirring, and deposit onto toast as soon as fully set. This gives me soft and creamy scrambled eggs every time.

    8. Pharmgirl*

      I have a cookbook with a recipe for ricotta eggs – you basically scramble the eggs however you normally would, but right before it’s fully cooked mix in about ¼ cup ricotta per serving. Mix well so the eggs finish cooking and the ricotta gets creamy. I tend to add everything bagel season to this too, it’s a quick and filling breakfast.

    9. Kuododi*

      Most people I’m aware of have a bit of a love/hate thing about Gordon Ramsay. Regardless of personal opinion, he does have a pretty helpful information video on how to make creamy scrambled eggs. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to post links except to suggest doing a search on YouTube. Good luck!!!

    11. Ron McDon*

      I microwave mine – I add a bit of butter and milk (although now I’m going to try water instead!) and cook for about 30 seconds, stir, cook for 20 seconds, stir – basically you want to do short bursts so they don’t overlook and keep stirring to break them up.

      I take them out whilst still quite runny, as they carry on cooking for a while afterwards. They’re always creamy.

      The place where you are creamy eggs might have added cream to them, btw – apparently that’s a thing some places do.

    12. RebeccaSmiles*

      I had brunch at SarahBeth’s in NYC a few years ago and had delicious creamy scrambled eggs. They used some sort of cream or cream cheese and they were wonderful! I use cold milk to fluff up my eggs, but will try water like the others have suggested. May you find the perfect scrambled eggs. :)

  39. To Use or Not to Use EAP*

    Hi everyone,

    i am right now debating as to whether i should try to use my workplace’s eap service.

    i wanted a strict policy routine where i decide (for my privacy) only use the landline phone from my workplace’s empty room to communicate and i wanted to received eap forms in my workplace email only. this is my first time calling eap and i was surprise by the processes that is involved. it happens i needed to complete paperwork before my counseling session. due to my strict privacy and communications requirements, i am having a delay in completing my paperwork to set up my phone appointment. My assigned counselor was supposed to email me my paperwork to my workplace email, but I still haven’t received it yet.

    I am debating if i need to use eap because i am not sure what the paperwork might involve. I am also not sure if my counselor like my strict communications policy. When I talked to her, she has a bit of a tough and tired tone of voice. My problems that I need discussing has mostly to do with dealing with family issues in my Asian family. i wonder if cultural differences between me and my counselor will make the counseling harder. Maybe i should create a new private personal email if that might make it easier for my counselor?

    At the same time, i am experiencing periodic thoughts about my anxiety of talking to my family. The thoughts sometimes come and go depending on how I occupied I am. But whenever there’s even a small experience/observance that reminded me of some of my family conflict, it will trigger the thoughts in my mind again.

    1. fposte*

      Good for you for moving forward! It’s really common to have anxiety about moving forward toward therapy, for a variety of reasons, but it can be helpful to remember that it’s all voluntary–you can walk out of the appointment whenever you want and you don’t have to go back if you don’t want to. I’d encourage you to keep going to get to that first appointment rather than letting your anxiety convince yourself before you start that it won’t be useful.

      Go ahead and set up the personal private email just in case, especially if you’re talking something free like gmail. But usually they ask about a private email because people want to keep their therapy separate from work; you’re trying to keep it separate from family, which is different.

      Good luck! I know this has been hard, and I really hope this gives you some relief.

      1. valentine*

        Your counselor should understand your privacy requirements, but it sounds like you need an Asian female counselor, preferably the same ethnicity.

        1. fposte*

          This poster previously posted that they need a free and private service, though, so EAP is likely to be it for now. I think it’s better for them to at least start with the EAP and decide at that point whether to keep going or not rather than assume it won’t work and not try therapy at all. While sometimes such a cultural connection can be helpful, even somebody who doesn’t have it can be useful to talk to.

    2. WellRed*

      Are you afraid your family will somehow find out about the EAP? And what is it about the paperwork that has you considering not using EAP? By all means, create another email account if you feel that will help.

      1. To Use or Not to Use EAP*

        I don’t want my family to know I’m using eap. i am not sure what other paperwork is needed at this point. they got my email and phone contact, workplace info, and privacy policy agreement. a little worry the paperwork might ask for even more identity info.

        1. Observer*

          Set up an email account that is not work and not accessible to your family. That keeps your family out of it, while keeping this separate from work (which can be useful in the long term.)

          Also, if your counselor has any competence, if you tell her that you are using your work email to keep your family out of your counseling, she will TOTALLY understand.

    3. LGC*

      I mean, by all means you should use your EAP. You’re an employee, it certainly sounds like you need assistance, and there’s a program available to you.

      So, on the work end of things: your employer isn’t supposed to know that you’ve used the program, usually. So that might be why they have concerns about linking the paperwork to your work email – which, of course, your employer can read.

      But also, it sounds like you might need a culturally sensitive counselor, and you’re definitely very concerned about your family finding out about this. Have you told the EAP why you have high privacy needs? They might be more sympathetic with a bit more background.

      (Also on valentine’s point – you don’t necessarily need someone from your cultural background, just someone who’s willing and able to understand.)

  40. WellRed*

    Booked my tix yesterday for NOLA at Christmas. I did end up taking a small amount from 401k to fund part of it. My mom and aunt will probably cover a lot of the costs (meals, excursions). I’ve had several friends lose their moms in the past year so decided to go for it. One q: does the city shutdown on the 24 & 25th like so many do? That will impact planning.

    1. The Grammarian*

      It doesn’t shut down completely, since it depends on a tourist economy. You should plan where you want to eat on the 25th, though, ahead of time; last year, I had a hard time finding somewhere to eat lunch. Have fun!!!

  41. fposte*

    I read Mrs. Palfrey years ago and I loved it; I read it along with Muriel Spark’s _Memento Mori_ and Barbara Pym’s _Quartet in Autumn_ for a trio of senior-focused books, and I greatly enjoyed them all.

  42. PhyllisB*

    Speaking of entertainment, my son and I went to see A Tribute to the Beatles’ White Album on Thursday. The performers were Todd Rundgren, Christopher Cross, Mickey Dolenz, Jason Scheff, and Joey Molland. Not only did they do the album, they performed some of their own songs. I was in Baby Boomer heaven. Even my son enjoyed it.

  43. Zephy*

    If anyone’s keeping tabs on the Atlantic hurricane season, you know it’s been an active couple of weeks! At one point there were three named storms out in the ocean (Jerry, Karen, and Lorenzo), plus a handful of disturbances at any given time. Thank goodness none of them made landfall, although Karen for a moment there did look like she wanted to speak to our manager. Right now we’re down to just Lorenzo, who seems to be headed for Ireland, of all places. Let’s hope this quietude continues – bae and I have already made travel arrangements for an 8-day trip at the end of October, and while I’m fairly certain his parents can handle boxing up the cats for boarding in case there is a storm while we’re gone, I’d much rather that just…not happen.

    On the subject of that upcoming trip – we’re going to Seattle. We’re planning to rent a car and we’ll be in the area for effectively 6 days, 10/24-10/29 (travel on 10/23 and 10/30 are going to be all-day affairs, I know we won’t have time/energy to do anything else on those days).

    We’ve never been, so Seattle-ites, what MUST we do while we’re in your fair city? I know you have a lot of museums, so we’re definitely going to hit up some of those – Museum of Flight and the Living Computer Museum for sure. Bae loves planes, trains, and automobiles; I like history (natural and social) and art. We’re into craft beer and spirits, always looking for delicious food and drink recommendations. Spooky Season will well and truly be upon us at that time, so any cool seasonal things to check out?

    Also, what kind of weather can we generally expect? We’re coming from Florida. Some superficial Googling suggests we should expect temperatures in the 50s – we do have sufficient cold-weather gear for that, but not much colder.

    1. BRR*

      Seattle underground tour is great. I enjoyed a boat tour but not sure if it’s too cold. Something I wanted to do but didn’t get a chance to was going to tour the Boeing factory.

    2. VlookupsAreMyLife*

      Museum of Flight is great, really enjoyed it. Check out the troll in Fremont – super neat public art. At Pike Place, we love the mac & cheese at Beecher’s and the gum wall at Post Alley (SO gross, lol!).

    3. StellaBella*

      Do a sea plane tour. Go to Hales Ales in Ballard. Go to the Olympic sculpture park. Go to the Ballard locks and eat near there in Hatties Hat diner, check tho if it is open. Go to Tacoma maybe one day to see the glass bridge by Chihuly. Take a ferry to one of the islands to eat lunch. Go to West Seattle to see the small statue of liberty on the beach and enjoy food there. Go to Gas Works park, walk around Lake Union. Enjoy thr trip. I lived there 94-2016. Loved it.

    4. cat socks*

      We had some great rum drinks at Rumba. I have heard good things about The Diller Room but didn’t have time to visit last time I was there. And if you’re in the mood for some late night fast food, Dick’s Drive In is good for burgers and fries.

    5. Bluebell*

      I don’t live there but have visited twice and enjoyed it. Some of the highlights- taking the water taxi to Alki Beach for great Polynesian food at Marination Ma Kai, Olympic Sculpture Park, Pike Place Market, walking through the Chihuly glass garden and visiting the Central Public Library. Also traveled to Tacoma to see the glass museum and loved it. Remember to wear a rain jacket with a hood so you can pull it up and down, because it drizzles on and off.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Seconding the Seattle Underground Tour, that and the Harbor Cruise were my favorite things to take visitors to do when I lived there. (I left Seattle in 2012 to move back to a place that has seasons.)

      If you like zoos, the Woodland Park Zoo (Seattle) and Point Defiance Zoo/Aquarium (Tacoma) are both really nice. Woodland Park gives some of their bigger critters pumpkins to play with in the fall, I once watched a snow leopard “teenager” carrying around a pumpkin the size of his head to keep his sibling from stealing it.
      There’s also a natural history museum on UW campus, the Burke, that I remember enjoying quite a bit.

      The Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame is pretty interesting, as is the Pacific Science Center. In the same area, there’s a revolving restaurant at the top of the Space Needle – the food is decent, but the real hook is the views. If you don’t want a full meal up there, make a reservation for dessert and you can still get up top to see things without paying the elevator ticket price; after dessert you can go up to the observation deck for free.

      The Museum of Flight is probably bigger than you expect, so plan for extra time there, but it’s super cool. :)

      There’s also the Northwest Railway Museum out in Snoqualmie, which also does rides on the historic railroad, if that’s a thing that might appeal, and nearby is Snoqualmie Falls. Farther out in that direction is Leavenworth, a little Bavarian themed (full of Christmas and beer) village in the mountains. Leavenworth is about… 2 hours outside of Seattle, give or take? Day-trippable, if it’s something you’re interested in, but maybe not if you’re only going to be there for 5-6 days.

    7. AmyRo*

      Rain will be a bigger issue than cold. That time of year it’s generally grey and drizzly. Note that locals wear rain jackets rather than carrying umbrellas, and we’ll totally judge you ;)

      Plenty of craft beer – the Ballard neighborhood has the largest concentration, my favorites are Stoup, Reuben, Populuxe. In other neighborhoods, Ravenna Brewing & Urban Family. We have this phenomenal brewery/food truck symbiosis thing going on. Most of the breweries don’t serve food, but have a rotating cast of food trucks and encourage you to bring your food in.

      Woodinville for wineries (the grapes are grown on the east side of the state, so think more along the lines of storefronts than sprawling vinyards)

      Take a ferry!

      Salumi in Pioneer Square – they cure their own meats and make AMAZING sandwiches. Molly Moon or Full Tilt for ice cream (you may stand in a long line for Molly Moon, even in October.)

      That’s what I’ve got at the moment, but will think on it.

    8. YetAnotherUsername*

      My favorite things in seattle in order (coolest first) the troll Bridge, the Sci fi museum, the underground tour, an awesome waterfall in the mountains nearby (can’t remember the name but theres a hydroelectric plant there so should be easy to look up) the monorail, the needle, the park with all the crazy statues, the music museum. Phew. I was only there for a week!

    9. Elizabeth West*

      although Karen for a moment there did look like she wanted to speak to our manager

      HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    10. Owler*

      Layers are key for weather here in Seattle. Our local dress code specifies fleece, so if you want to blend in, you’ll bring a fleecy best or jacket. There’s a joke that only tourists bring umbrellas, but if I’m walking in an uncrowded place, I pull mine out. Personally, I enjoy warm socks (like Smartwool) and a cozy hat under my hood.

      If you go to Pike Place Market, look for the Daily Dozen donut shop near the fish throwing. Get a bag of warm, mini-donuts sprinkled with cinnamon sugar and walk around with them. So good. Also, near the market: Rachel’s Ginger Beer for a lovely sip, Beecher’s Cheese for a grilled cheese or Mac&cheese, and Biscuit Bitch in Belltown (near the market) for a no-nonsense biscuit and local coffee for breakfast. Skip the “original” Starbucks, but if you find yourself in Capital Hill, you might visit the Roastery up there.

      I would skip the zoo, as it’s fairly average for a city zoo. If you think you are going to do a lot of touristy things, get the City Pass. We had two guests visit, and they had prepurchased them; it was a perfect fit for them. Their favorites included most of the Seattle Center attractions (the Space Needle, the Chihuly exhibit, the museum of pop culture) and the museum of Flight. If you are both adults and are looking for something halloweeny, consider the Fremonster Spectacular (never been, myself) or Trollaween. You might look into a tour of breweries to dial in what kind of breweries you like since we have a lot; I would recommend Fremont Brewing Company or Populuxe Brewery but mainly because both are owned by friends of friends.

      Woodinville is about 30min outside of Seattle if you want to do any wine tours or whiskey tastings. It’s a lovely area since you have a rental car.

    11. Owler*

      Layers are key for weather here in Seattle. Our local dress code specifies fleece, so if you want to blend in, you’ll bring a fleecy best or jacket. There’s a joke that only tourists bring umbrellas, but if I’m walking in an uncrowded place, I pull mine out. Personally, I enjoy warm socks (like Smartwool) and a cozy hat under my hood.

      If you go to Pike Place Market, look for the Daily Dozen donut shop near the fish throwing. Get a bag of warm, mini-donuts sprinkled with cinnamon sugar and walk around with them. So good. Also, near the market: Rachel’s Ginger Beer for a lovely sip, Beecher’s Cheese for a grilled cheese or Mac&cheese, and Biscuit Bitch in Belltown (near the market) for a no-nonsense biscuit and local coffee for breakfast. Skip the “original” Starbucks, but if you find yourself in Capital Hill, you might visit the Roastery up there.

      I would skip the zoo, as it’s fairly average for a city zoo. If you think you are going to do a lot of touristy things, get the City Pass. We had two guests visit, and they had prepurchased them; it was a perfect fit for them. Their favorites included most of the Seattle Center attractions (the Space Needle, the Chihuly exhibit, the museum of pop culture) and the museum of Flight. If you are both adults and are looking for something halloweeny, consider the Fremonster Spectacular (never been, myself) or Trollaween. You might look into a tour of breweries to dial in what kind of breweries you like since we have a lot; I would recommend Fremont Brewing Company or Populuxe Brewery but mainly because both are owned by friends of friends. And maybe Woodinville if you want to do any wine tours or whiskey tastings. Have fun!

    12. spock*

      Lows are in the 40s this week. It may or may not stay that way but don’t bank on it staying in the 50s. You don’t necessarily need special clothes but you will need to bring enough layers, and one should be waterproof.

  44. flight anxiety*

    getting on a plane in about 2 hours. I am sick of anxiety around flying. Yes, I am a “fearful flyer” but I do it anyway. I take a low dose of meds just enough to get me on the plane. I heard there is a meditation app that might be good for this. For the first time I have noise cancelling headphones. Maybe that will help. Recommendations?

    1. Jdc*

      I used to not mind flying at all, heck I loved it, but recently the doc has given me very low dose Valium. It’s pretty much the only way to get me in a plane at this point. I actually only even take half of the pill. I honestly don’t know what changed for me, just one day did. I also make sure to distract myself. Read a book. Have a movie ready. I have a lot of miles so when I can I upgrade. First class obviously gives you so much more service so I don’t have to sit there for an hour dying of thirst waiting for someone to come by. Obviously that’s not always an option. I have a weirdness about having water available in hand and my anxiety. I truly don’t know why but for some reason it’s necessary.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I usually buy a bottle of water at the airport so I can take it on the plane – that way I’m not as dependent on being served by the flight attendants.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Most airports also have filtered bottle fillers past security, so you can bring your own empty bottle and fill it there.

        2. Jdc*

          Ya i do that now but I’ve not before and was kind of losing it. No idea why I have the water thing but hey, I’m one of the best hydrated people out there and my skin glows so no negative.

      2. Harris Twee*

        Same here, I used to enjoy flying and now I dread it. The worst is turbulence, it scares the hell out of me. The only thing that helps is Xanax.

    2. Jules the First*

      I have a series of little activities I do at each hour in the flight – a particular playlist on my headphones while they’re loading the plane, a mantra while we’re taxiing, a bottle of water and a little snack for when they turn the seatbelt sign off, a craft I’ve been waiting to try, a movie I’ve been saving for a flight. This helps. As, frankly, does upgrading – flying premium economy or business is still annoying (and I get motion sick), but I don’t normally have a panic attack. Also, I took a few flying lessons (I got the amazing opportunity to fly a 747 simulator once as well as a real life Otter) which helped immensely.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I also hate flying and get a bit anxious before flying. What’s helped me are podcasts and loud music (not loud enough to bother others, but louder than I would usually listen to something). I also managed to do some work on my last flight – nothing too strenuous, but reviewing some documents and cleaning out my email. Basically anything to make the time go by faster. I haven’t tried a meditation app, only because I forgot to download it!

    4. Tinuviel*

      Meditation minis has many nice meditations but I particularly like her one on flight anxiety. I listened to it before getting on the plane (night before, couldn’t sleep) and as I got settled before the plane took off. Slept through the 4 hour flight!

    5. Cool Bananas*

      Poor you – it is miserable feeling so stressed isn’t it?
      Two things helped me overcome flight anxiety (but I appreciate they might not work for you!)
      a. Drink. Was gibbering in Mallorca airport many years ago, and the friend I was on holiday with suggested I go and get swift half to calm my nerves. Let me tell you, the measures in Mallorca are generous, and about half a pint of gin and tonic will definitely move you from ‘eek’ to ‘wheeee!’ Probably not a good idea on long haul flights, though…
      b. Learning to fly. I took gliding and powered flying lessons, and it was a revelation. It’s amazing how much calmer you feel on a commercial flight when you know what the lumps and bumps are, why the wing is doing that weird thing and (probably most importantly) understand how an aircraft is controlled. I never thought I would love it so much.
      On a more practical level, my younger sibling got over his flying fear with the help of Valium, so that’s always an option.

  45. Philadelphia*

    In Philly for two days. Sunday and Monday. Anything that I shouldn’t miss? Music? Museums? Been to the Barnes and old city. Been a long time since the Museum of Art. Is the Please Touch Museum worth it for someone without kids?

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      The Mutter museum is incredibly novel but not for all audiences.

      Zahav is an incredible restaurant if you can get in.

      I also enjoy the farmers market in South Philly for walking around and snacking, similarly (though I like it less) Reading Terminal Market.

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        Agree on all counts. In Reading Terminal Market the pretzels are transcendent, though—highly recommend.

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        The Mutter museum is definitely not for all audiences, I loved it, my husband not so much. I did find very amusing that the staff member who took admission and also presided over the gift shop would ask if patrons enjoyed the exhibits. He was happy if you liked it but even happier if you hated it. If it made one incredibly squeamish, he would positively beam.

        1. GoryDetails*

          “f it made one incredibly squeamish, he would positively beam.” Sounds like an Addams family member!

          I adored the Mutter Museum, in part because a lot of it did make me squeamish – though I think I had more trouble with those wax eyeball-injury models than with the actual human remains. When I was there they had a less-squeam-inducing exhibit: some lab equipment belonging to Marie Curie, which was still radioactive…

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I want to go to the Mutter SO BAD. I saw it on TV years ago and have been dying for a trip there ever since.

    3. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Please Touch is really aimed at kids, not adults who aren’t there with kids.

      The restaurant I like to hit every time I’m back in Philly is Cheu Noodle Bar, 255 South 10th Street.

      My new favorite breakfast/coffee spot is Black N Brew, 1523 E Passyunk Ave.

    4. Solar Moose*

      Eastern State Penitentiary is interesting. Mutter Museum is great, though I admittedly felt nauseous the entire time I was there. Have a genuine philly cheesesteak sandwich while you’re there ;)

  46. Falling Diphthong*

    Small pop culture rant: The new Great British Bake-Off is really bad about cutting out the judging of some of the signature or showstopper bakes. And then they put a cherry on ti with an interstitial in which the contestant will discuss the comments on their bake (me, scrolling back: “What comments? Oh, the secret ones not shown”) or Paul will suggest two possible star bakers and I’ll think “Hmm, I’ll bet it’s the one whose showstopper they just showed, rather than the one they just skipped” which happened with Friday’s episode.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      are you watching on Netflix? I’m not American so I’m watching it on channel 4, so could it be a Netflix thing?

      1. fposte*

        She said “Friday,” so I’m guessing she’s watching on Netflix. There are small differences between the two versions, but even on Channel 4 this week I was a little surprised at the outcome based on the leadup. That being said, I think a lot of it comes down to the actual taste and texture of the bake rather than anything viewers can see, so I shrug it off.

        2. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I was PISSED at the result. I thought someone else should have gone. I guess I’m trying not to spoil here, but one of the bakers ousted was my pick to go all the way. Howard and Jane’s podcast addressed this– they thought one of the the ousted bakers (not my favorite) was unfairly treated for her personality/tastes. I kind of agree.

          Not loving this series. I can watch all of the others over and over, but this one I find so half-assed.

          1. fposte*

            I thought the same and I’m sure we’re talking about the same person. There’s definitely some tabloid stir about the episode, but there always is, especially when a POC is in the mix.

            But I do think in any contest built on components that can’t be conveyed to a TV viewer the judges’ experience is going to be vastly different from the audience. The editing could do better at conveying that, but sometimes the judges aren’t going to figure out where those rankings fall until the end, and I’d be pretty unhappy if they added commentary later to make it seem like they knew all along.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              The fact that I can’t taste the bakes is exactly why I want the editing to convey that. I’m rewatching an earlier series (oddly, I completely forget most details of the show, beyond a general sense of who went far based on how much I recall them) and some of the bits are very short–10 seconds of “looks very plain, but the taste is good” or whatnot–but they are there. Or if they do skip someone, they at least don’t draw attention to it by including a segment where someone talks about the judging we just didn’t see, so it doesn’t stand out the way it does here.

              There was a Top Chef season where the editors just fell in love with the Surprise Twist result, and so this one guy kept getting critiqued in the judging but never sent home. And since he was simultaneously playing the villain AND the contestant who seems just one episode away from having an epic meltdown on camera AND the only white dude left, it really came across as failing upward. One thing I have liked in TGBB is that they don’t (or didn’t) engage in a lot of the nonsense–if they say these 3 are doing well and these 3 poorly this episode, I can see where that is coming from. (Barring this ep, with Priya coming 2nd in technical but allegedly in grave danger.)

          2. Arts Akimbo*

            Avonlady Barksdale, I agree with everything you are saying about the bakers who left the tent this week!!! I thought one would surely be in the final, and the other I will bitterly miss! I keep telling myself it’s down to taste and texture, but one baker I do feel got unfairly treated because of their personal style not matching what the judges like.

            I blame the editing. I feel like if those of us watching at home were able to hear more of the comments about the bakes, rather than them foisting a surprise twist ending on us and our having to just guess why afterward, we’d all enjoy the show more. Get it together, Four! We do not watch Bake-Off in order to see an American-style rock-n-roll stressfest competition!

      1. North Wind*

        My browser went weird.

        Also, there are all those creative, gorgeous bakes and the camera will pan up so close you can’t properly see them. I just binged (on Netflix, I’m in America) a bunch of past seasons, and went to their website hoping there would be a gallery of each contestant’s bakes but didn’t find anything.

        I also just discovered on YouTube some snippets of Extra Slice episodes and can’t bear that I don’t have access :).

        I’ve come to love British panel shows, and it’s funny how the guests are all guests on each other’s shows (QI, Would I Lie To You, House of Games, 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, etc).

        1. fposte*

          A lot of that is the talent agency–I think everybody from Avalon gets a turn. BTW, look on Dailymotion for Taskmaster episodes. I think you will like that show very much.

          I think the BBC used to do cake galleries when GBBO was on there, but they haven’t maintained them; they were also some adjacent things like recipes to go with the shows.

            1. fposte*

              Me too. Start with series 7 of Taskmaster, then, since he’s on it. (It also is the best series of Taskmaster anyway.) He is in top form throughout.

        2. Overeducated*

          Yes! It drives me crazy how they work so hard on these creative, secorated bakes and they don’t devote a full camera shot to them. I want a long, lingering look at the food! That’s the payoff, not the judging!

  47. AntiPorchPirate*

    Hi all, I live on a busy street and don’t want any delivered packages to go missing. I also have a not so great neighbor who I’d like to keep an eye on in case he damages my fence or trespasses. I’m interested in a security camera but am not sure if a doorbell one is the way to go. Could that see to the house beside me or only in front of it? I’ve checked Consumer Reports magazine but they apparently have never reviewed these. I don’t know the features that are out there or anything about how long the footage is kept, the subscription cost, etc. Any helpful hints are appreciated.

    1. Purt’s Peas*

      Please try not to get a Ring or other Internet Of Things style security camera. Ring in particular will notoriously use their software/associated social network to amp up your paranoia and anxiety by flooding you with crime reports that would otherwise have no impact on you. If you live in a white neighborhood of a segregated region, your neighbors will probably tell you every single time a black man walks down the street.

      There’s also absolutely no guarantee of the privacy of your footage, which includes your own comings and goings in your own home. If a software company can access your footage stored in their cloud software, it is a near guarantee that they will, no matter what the user agreement says. Those can change easily, and footage is likely viewed for at least testing purposes, possibly for advertising and behavior analysis purposes, and is at risk of being viewed by a creepy employee with access or by a hacker.

      Which is all to say: maybe go for a simpler, not wifi-connected, not social-network-associated security camera with a sign letting the public know you’ve got one. I may sound like I’m one step away from burning down my house and living in the wilds of Idaho, but I just work in software.

      2. Goose*

        People are way too willing to give up their freedoms in the name of security. This is how tyranny grows and prospers.

      3. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

        Ring also will hand your footage and info over to the police, no problem: “…But legal experts and privacy advocates have voiced alarm about the company’s eyes-everywhere ambitions and increasingly close relationship with police, saying the program could threaten civil liberties, turn residents into informants, and subject innocent people, including those who Ring users have flagged as “suspicious,” to greater surveillance and potential risk.”
        https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2019/08/28/doorbell-camera-firm-ring-has-partnered-with-police-forces-extending-surveillance-reach/

    2. cat socks*

      We had Arlo outdoor cameras, but found the batteries drained quickly. But it could work if you have an outlet on your porch where it could be easily plugged in. The are WiFi enabled because they can be accessed through the app, but not sure if that feature can be disabled. You may just be able to record clips and then view them on your computer. There is no social network associated with these that I’m aware of.

      We have a Vivint doorbell camera that is part of our security system. It will record a clip when a visitor is detected or someone rings the doorbell.

    3. Rebecca*

      What about a game camera, like people (like me) use to take pictures of deer and such? It triggers an infra red picture, so you get day or night photos…every so many seconds, or video if you set it to that, it’s not wireless, so your stuff isn’t “out there” and you can control when/how many/video or still shots.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      A side hint for packages: consider Amazon lockers or deliveries at work, if allowed.
      Let us know what you decide on camera-wise!

    5. Goose*

      Would a door camera capture your neighbor? This is really the only ligit reason to have a security camera as most porch pirates get away with their crimes.

      I suggest buying a set of fake cameras for outside since they will deter the amateur criminals; professional criminals will not be swayed by cameras. If they want in, they kick a door in or bust a window.

    6. Even Steven*

      In my neighbor parcel theft is off the charts. I tried Amazon Locker but found it was a huge headache – endless technical issues, empty lockers (!) and no free shipping without Prime. I looked into it and found that a small size #2 post office box is cheaper annually than cameras and monitoring, and even than a Prime subscription – and, it would work for all NON-Amazon parcels as well. I got a PO box, and the posties put a parcel locker key in my box for larger stuff. I can pick things up 24 hours a day. Of course, I have a PO just down the street from me – it might not be feasible for all.

      I would add – someone stole my neighbors’ Ring cameras. Anything sitting outside is always fair game. But at least the rent is cheap! :)

    7. OhBehave*

      If you get a lot of packages, you may want to look into a UPS store. Friends use them to receive packages and it works like a charm. The store is centrally located in our town so it’s easy to stop by and pick up.

  48. Harley*

    Is it normal to buy the same blouse or top in 2 different colours? I have trouble finding things in my size, and when I find something that works for me, sometimes I want to get 2 of them (especially if they’re on sale!). It’s not like I do this every time, but once in a while I’m tempted.

    1. Blue Skies and Black Hearts*

      I do it all the tine. I have my favourite top in black, grey and blue. I can’t see any good reason not to!

    2. Zephy*

      I have definitely found an item that fits me well and then gone back to grab one in every color, or grab all the ones in my size. I’ve done all my clothes-shopping at places like TJ Maxx and Marshall’s for the last 5-6 years, so there really might just be one or two more pairs of pants or shirts or whatever like the ones I just tried on.

      Are you worried about people noticing that “hey, Harley wore that top yesterday but in yellow!”? Promise you, nobody’s paying that much attention to what you wear, and if they are, it’s not going to be a big deal. If it looks nice and makes you feel good, buy as many cute tops in as many colors as your little heart desires.

      1. fposte*

        The unofficial summer uniform around my office is Lands’ End knit dresses. A bunch of us have a bunch of them in different patterns, and nobody ever notices except for us looking at each other and going “Oh, I didn’t see that pattern online; that one’s really cute.”

    3. I don't know who I am*

      Buy one in every colour you like and can afford, especially if they’re on sale. My motto is if something fits properly and looks good then I stock up because sure as eggs I won’t be able to find it again

    4. Penny*

      I definitely do it! There are at least four pairs of blouses that are identical to each other except for color. If you find a style you like, go for it!

    5. Asenath*

      I do it very rarely – and only when I find something I really like and know I will use. I do it because it’s difficult for me to find suitable clothing that I like and can afford. I have a friend who goes to extremes with that, though, and has stacks of clothing she never wears. I suppose if she enjoys shopping and can afford it (which she can) it’s none of my business what she does, but I try to buy only what I will wear, and sometimes that’s a particularly useful top in pink, blue and green.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Totally normal! Why wouldn’t it be (alternatively: what difference would it make if it weren’t normal)? I know almost no one who DOESN’T have a favorite piece in a few colors. I have a staple t-shirt from Target that I have in probably 10 colors/patterns, and honestly I only wish I had MORE of the pieces I love in multiple colors.

    7. She's One Crazy Diamond*

      I do this. I’m generally a size medium but I also have an extreme hourglass figure so I have a really hard time with not just size but the right fit. There is absolutely no shame in it!

    9. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      and… I found the perfect tunic length t-shirt top (and overspent just that once with my work bonus). It was crazy flattering and gorgeous painted water color print. I tried to find the same “cut” (It’s a Nic + Zoe). Couldn’t, in any other fabric/print. But I did find another one identical to it, for under $20 on eBay (new without tags). I bought it as a backup.

      Because frankly, I wear the same 20% of my clothes 80% of the time. These days, it’s almost one in, one out, for new items. I keep the favorites for years, especially in solid colors. No one pays attention to solid colors, and prints that go under things (cardigan, for example) – also no one pays attention to them.

      I figured this out long ago when the VP of (name of really big bank) came to present to us on why they should buy our portfolio (years ago when in finance)… and I recognized her suit jacket as a Jones New York from 4 years earlier. Now, if she (who made way more than 4x my salary) was rocking it as a classic, why was I falling prey to the “must buy new every year” thing. That was 20 years ago. Now I just upgrade something when it wears out…. or buy several when something fits and I know I’ll never see that beloved item again.

      I have an attorney friend who has a favorite color. It’s only “in fashion” every 5 years or more. She stocks up on various pieces in that color (her signature shade) and then wears them (washing gently) until it comes back in fashion.

    10. NeverNicky*

      I do it a lot. I wear vintage style dresses and when I find a cut I like and is flattering, I buy them in multiple patterns (over the seasons, not all at once and generally on sale). And if I find comfortable footwear, I will buy multiple pairs in different (or even the same) colour as I have hard to fit feet.

    12. Brazilian Hobbit*

      Super normal and practical! I have a hard time finding tops that fit and are flattering, so if I find any, I’ll be happily buying as many colors as I can find!

    13. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I definitely do this! When I find a top I like, I buy it in every color and print that I’ll wear. (There are some colors I know I won’t wear, so I skip those.) I hate trying on clothes and have a hard figure to fit, so why should I keep looking once I’ve found something that works?

      I also will buy an entire week’s worth of identical black pants when I find a pair that fits and has actual pockets. No one is going to pay enough attention to my pants to notice if I wear pants with the same finishing details every day, and on the rare day I find pants that fit my rear without gapping in the front I stock up.

    14. myug*

      I buy two in the same color sometimes if it fits like a dream and plan to wear it a bunch. But not unusual at all, I buy things in multiple colors all the time.

    15. anonagain*

      Is there a reason you don’t buy multiple tops? I’m not picking up what the underlying concern is here.

      1. Harley*

        I’m worried I’ll have a boring wardrobe if I keep wearing the same item over and over, even if they are in different colours. Is it better to have some variety?

        1. Observer*

          Color makes a difference. And to be honest, better a “boring” wardrobe that fits well and looks good on you than an “interesting” one that makes you look like a kid in someone else’s dress up, or like you rolled out of bed or whatever else unflattering.

    17. Person from the Resume*

      It’s normal for me. I have four pairs of my favorite short. (That might have overkill.) But if I particularly like a top or pants or shorts, I totally down for going back and buying another color or pattern.

    19. Not So NewReader*

      Yep. I have heard of people getting 5 or 6 of something because it was comfy, wore like iron or whatever. Go for it. I try to get two colors that are different for example, for me I’d avoid dark green and light green opt for the dark green and the light purple. People don’t notice for the most part.

    22. vanillacookies*

      My mother’s day-to-day wardrobe is just ~6 different colors of the exact same shirt. I’m probably going to try to do something similar once winter weather sets in this year.

    23. Woman of a Certain Age*

      I think this is a smart thing to do and I do it all the time. So often, when I find an item that fits well, it goes out-of-production or is replaced by something that is slightly different and not quite as good. When you find something that works, go ahead and stock up.

    24. Jaid*

      I did that with a bunch of tops and cargo pants from Women Within. I hate shopping in the store, so when I found that my online purchases fit, I got as many as possible. No one at work cares.

    25. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Totally normal. Honestly when I found a reasonably priced linen knit teeshirt I bought one to test fit (Amazon) then went back and bought the 3 remain in my size. Two black, one gray, one navy.
      They were a key part of my “summer uniform” for the office this year.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Side note: I don’t recommend it for shoes though, not if you ever get dressed in the dark or when feeking a bit bleary. I stayed at my desk all day after i looked down & saw one black shoe and one light brown shoe…

    26. OhBehave*

      Totally normal! In fact buy multiples of the same color too so you have a replacement. The way women’s clothing is made makes it almost impossible to trust that a 16/xl is the same everywhere.

    27. Anono-me*

      I started buying multiples of the clothing items I really loved, after reading Isabella Rossellini’s autobiography, in which she talks about doing the same thing.

      I started doing it because I thought it was brilliant. But I also thought it was nice that I could point to a world-famous supermodel as my inspiration if someone questioned my fashion sense

  49. Zephy*

    Separate post for a totally random question, because we have a handful of lacqueristas here: does anybody have experience with gel nail polish and know a good way to stick a corner back down if it’s started lifting? I do my nails at home, I’ve had this gel polish on for a week and some corners are starting to lift. I know it’s because I didn’t do the best job prepping the nail (didn’t rough it up at all, forgot to dehydrate my entire right hand). Taking off gel polish is such a production that I don’t want to do that yet. I also just found a chip(!) on my right thumbnail.

      1. Zephy*

        I was thinking maybe that, or a dab of base coat? I don’t know if it would cure under the polish, maybe if I flipped my hand over?

        1. Rebecca*

          I’m not sure if the base coat would stick it back down, or maybe make the gel coat softer? I use regular nail polish, and do my own nails. Please let us know what you used and how it worked!!

    1. wittyrepartee*

      “Daily care of her abundant and extremely long hair took at least three hours. A silk cloth was placed beneath her hair while it was brushed. After her hair was brushed, Elisabeth would check to see how many hairs had fallen out. If it was too many, she had a meltdown.

      Her hair was so long and heavy that she often complained that the weight of the elaborate double braids and pins gave her headaches. Her hairdresser was responsible for all of Elisabeth’s ornate hairstyles, always accompanied her on her wanderings, was forbidden to wear rings and required to wear white gloves.

      When her hair was washed with special “essences” of eggs and cognac every two weeks, all activities and obligations were cancelled for that day. Onions and Peruvian balsam was added to the cognac she washed her hair with.

      At the end of her life her hair was described as “abundant, though streaked with silver threads.”

    2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I mostly know about Empress Sisi through my interest in historical fashion. She was THE trendsetter of her day.

    3. Purt's Peas*

      Those were both fascinating reads. I hadn’t known much about her, except, weirdly, there’s an expansion of the board game Bohnanza featuring a bean dressed up as Sisi on the cover.

  51. TechnologyUGH*

    My Samsung Galaxy S7 burns through the battery quite quickly so I looked through my list of apps and deleted some. I’d like to get rid of the Gear VR Service app since I will never use Virtual Reality on my cell but I’ve learned Samsung is a huge bloatware company and it is not easily uninstalled. I’ve searched online to try to find a way to delete it and found conflicting info and none of it works. Are there companies or individuals that I could pay that would tweak my smart phone for me? Does the Geek Squad at Best Buy do this and are they good? I’ve also just deleted Facebook and installed Metal instead since it supposedly uses less battery. Are there other tricks like this that I can do on my Android device? Thanks!

    1. fposte*

      How old is it? Is it possible that the battery needs to be replaced? I know on iPhones you can check battery health–is there a way to do that in Android?

    2. WellRed*

      I just paid $70 to get a new battery for my Samsung 7 which was operating at 70% of its full functionality. It helped, but then I switched phone providers and had to get a different phone anyway. Oy!

    3. fhqwhgads*

      The batteries in those phones are designed with an expected shelf-life that’ll work out for most people to be about 3 years. So if you got yours new when the S7 came out, the battery may be nearing the end of its usefulness. You can try replacing the battery. If you go this route check the reviews. There are likely many replacements available besides OEM and they’ll likely be of varying quality. If you’re not in a position to replace, leaving the device on battery saving mode may get you adequate results.
      If you’re concerned about removing specific apps for reasons other than battery, you could root your phone. That’s not something Geek Squad would do but you can google it or you may be able to find local techs who offer that service.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I have the same phone. The location, wifi, and bluetooth all use a fair amount of power. If you’re not using them, turn them off? Particularly location and bluetooth.

    5. KR*

      I don’t think you can delete them. I think you just have to disable them. I hate it too. I think the S7 is just getting old as a model :/

  52. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Anybody have any remedies for a very dry eye?
    I’ve tried:
    -PreserVision eye vitamin daily
    -RefreshPlus eyedrops 3x/d
    -Bausch & Lomb night eye ointment (works best honestly)
    -Salmon 2x/week, nuts, egg yolk
    -Sleep/humidifier this entire week
    -Starting Omega 3 vitamin (today)

    I’m vacationing late next week so I wanna get rid of this slight pink eye/discomfort ASAP (is not pinkeye or conjunctivitis—I’ve had both years before). Just very dry.

    1. fposte*

      Dry eye isn’t something you fix; it’s something you manage. I can’t remember if you ever went to the ophthalmologist about this or not; if you did, what did they say? Is this MGD or something else? PreserVision isn’t formulated for dry eye, so I’m a little confused.

      You could look into Restasis or better yet, Xiidra (both prescription drops that you’d need to stay on), and you could try Lipiflow (procedure you pay out of pocket for that might improve things for 6-12 months). Nighttime ointments are generally pretty well recommended, but they’re going to minimize loss, not improve the situation. Antibiotics are also sometimes useful, especially if ocular rosacea is in the mix.

      But mostly if you haven’t gone to the doctor for this you should go now.

      1. TM*

        I think we’ve talked about our treatment plans before and I agree with everything you’ve said. I just wanted to say that I am 14 months post-Lipiflow treatment and my glands are still doing okay. I think we are hoping I make it to 18 months before I need another treatment. I was involved with a clinical trial for a TrueTear-like device (tickles a nerve in your nose that produces natural tears) for about 6 months post-Lipiflow and that helped a lot. After the trial ended, my tears weren’t as good and they were going to recommend me for Lipiflow again so I ended up buying the TrueTear device and my glands were flowing better after a month of daily use.

    2. Aurion*

      Hot, hot compresses on my eyes. My meibomian glands clog very easily, and without that oil keeping the water from evaporating, my eyes dry out fast. I usually use a damp towel wrapped around a hot gel pad or one of those water sacs filled with hot water. After keeping the heat on my eyes for a few minutes, I sweep down my eyelids with a fingertip (think a mascara wand motion, but all the way down your eyelids and not just on your eyelashes), and often I’ll get a vague sense of clogs opening up at the waterline.

      I use Systane Ultra for lubrication during the day, and I’ve tried the ointments too. Both feel great, but ointments are too sticky for regular use for me. For maintain, hot compresses regularly (every few days) + eye drops as needed works for me.

      1. Aurion*

        I’ve had to go on Restasis for a while too, but didn’t find it helpful enough to maintain.

        Also, hi thee to a doctor to check if there isn’t anything more serious underlying your dry eyes.

        1. fposte*

          I was lucky in that my insurance covered Xiidra from the get-go, and my doctor says patients respond better and faster to it than Restasis. My eyes still aren’t great, but I haven’t had a corneal erosion since I started it.

    3. Lost in the Woods*

      If you can get in for a dry eye eval with an optometrist or ophthalmologist, that’s a good idea. Very severe dry eye can cause permanent corneal damage. You may want to get on Resasis or an analogue (note that they can take up to 6 months to work), which is a prescription. It sounds like you’re already doing a lot of OTC stuff, which is good. Warm compresses and lid scrubs are a good idea. Try making sure your eyedrops are preservative free; frequent use of eyedrops with preservatives can further irritate the eye.

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        Oh, also, if you go in to the doctor ask about punctal plugs; they’re tiny little plugs which a doctor inserts to block outflow of tears. They’re helpful if the source of your dry eye is excessive drainage. Also, make sure your artificial tears have a lipid component. A lot of people use aqueous artificial tears, but they don’t help with fast tear break up, while lipid artificial tears reduce evaporation. If one brand of artificial tears isn’t helping, try a different one. They’re all a little bit different, and so some work better or worse for different people. An eye doctor can probably give you a bunch of different samples. If you wear eye makeup, try making sure it’s water based. Unfortunately this means it will run with tearing, but oil based makeup can contribute to blocking the glands which produce the lipid layer of the tear film.

        This sounds goofy, but think about blinking and fully closing your eyes. Especially if you have a job where you’re at the computer or reading a lot, that reduces the number of times you blink, which contributes to dry eye.

        There is usually not a magic bullet for dry eye; treating it has to involve a bunch of different smaller contributions

        1. fposte*

          I got blinking lessons after I did Lipiflow. First, apparently lids “zip” shut–you blink outside to inside. Second, I was supposed to do exercises: close eyes, pause two seconds, open, then close, pause, *squeeze eyes shut consciously but gently*, then open.

          1. Lost in the Woods*

            Yup! I believe it has to do with the fact that the tear film needs the full lid to close in order to fully settle over the eye, and extensive close computer work negatively impacts the blinking reflex.

    4. Shiny Onix*

      I can’t remember if I’ve actually said this before but a friend of mine has an autoimmune disease that gives her dry eyes and I’ve thought in the past your symptoms sounds similar to hers. It’s Sjögrens, NHS link in reply. Might not be that but might be worth investigating?

      2. fposte*

        FWIW, though, I’ve decided not to get tested for Sjögren’s, even though it looks like I have it, because it doesn’t change anything–you still have to treat the dry eyes, mouth, etc., symptomatically.

        1. Shiny Onix*

          That I didn’t know but it makes sense. My friend also has lupus and it’s worth knowing for her as it fills out more of the picture of her overall health, but that’s (hopefully!) unlikely to be the case for Mrs C.

        2. Anon for this*

          That’s not entirely true. It’s a systemic disease which can include organs. There is also an increased risk of lymphoma. Treatments vary but can help with disease activity and symptoms.

          1. fposte*

            Interesting; I’ve gotten the same response from several doctors on testing, but maybe it’s because the systemic treatments look a little intense. I will ask again–thanks for the info!

            1. Anon for this*

              They are, but many rheumatologist will start on plaquenil, which is not risk-free, to quiet the immune system
              Check out the clinical guidelines for optical, dental, and systemic manifestations on Sjogrens.org. These guides are very useful to take with you to appointments, as many docs dismiss it as “just dryness.” There are some promising clinical trials in the pipe, as well.

    5. Weegie*

      If you can get them where you are, Thealoz eye drops are the only ones that work for me. There are two types: Thealoz, and Thealoz Duo, and only the first one works for me, although most people seem to prefer the second. I started out having to use them three or four times a day, but now I’m set with one drop in each eye in the morning, and again at night. Bizarrely, if I wake up at night and my eyelids feel stuck to my eyes, they don’t do the trick, so I keep a small bottle of sodium hyaluronate under my pillow for overnight use.

      I can get Thealoz without a prescription over the counter at a chemist’s, or at an opticians, but I usually order from an online eye specialist; there are a lot of people selling it on Amazon as well.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I’d never heard of Thealoz; interestingly, not only is it not sold in the U.S., there doesn’t seem to be an analog using the same active ingredient. However, it looks like you can buy it from Amazon US and it will ship from the UK. I might give it a try, so thanks for the suggestion!

        1. Weegie*

          It was suggested to me by my very, very good optician – he had me start off with the hot compresses mentioned by Aurion in conjunction with the drops, but now the drops are enough. Hope you can get hold of some to try them out!

    6. tangerineRose*

      Retain and Blink Tears work well for me, but if you haven’t talked to your eye doctor, it would be a good idea too. Also, taking fish oil and drinking plenty of water may help a bit.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      I just went to the eye doctor for dry eye. She recommended over-the-counter Refresh Plus – the daily individual applicators – because there’s no preservatives in it. Sensitive eyes do better without preservatives. Also, you can use as much or as often as you need.
      If you haven’t gone to the eye doctor recently, please go. I went because only one eye hurt. The doc found something I didn’t know was there. Glad I went!

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Yes my optometrist recommended the individual applicators because they’re preservative free. He also suggested keeping the drops in the fridge – and I’ve definitely found that more refreshing to use than room temperature

      2. Lost in the Woods*

        Everybody should get regular eye exams! Even if you don’t have anything noticeably wrong with your eyes. Especially as people get older, being evaluated for glaucoma and macular degeneration regularly is hugely important, since neither one of them is in any way reversible. Glaucoma especially is usually asymptomatic, and since it destroys peripheral vision it’s often not caught until it’s already caused a significant amount of damage.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          It would be nice if we could have that included in universal health care or Medicaid expansion, along with dental care. Both are important for health and if you can’t get them through a job, you’re SOL.

          1. Lost in the Woods*

            Some eye related diagnoses actually can go through medical insurance – dry eye is one of them – but unfortunately due to our hyper messed up medical system, preventative eye care can’t go through medical unless we actually find something.

    9. Anona*

      My eyes are clinically dry. The ophthalmologist tried year duct plugs (really quick procedure), and also prescribed restasis.

    10. TM*

      I’ve got severe dry eye and I do recommend seeing an eye doctor at minimum and possibly one who specializes in dry eye. It’s really important to see what is causing dry eye so you can potentially treat that. I recommended a coworker to my doctor since she’s had dry eye for years and because we have different causes (meibomian glands dysfunction for me, loss of meibomian glands due to chemo for her), and we have slightly different treatment plans because of our difference.

      In absence of a doctor, some over the counter things to try include:
      Rubber eye mask for night (https://www.eyeeco.com/onyix-hydrating-sleep-mask-black.html?cat-id=43) You mentioned that night ointment worked the best, maybe adding a mask to keep the moisture in all night would help. Many people have their eyes pop open at night, drying them out, which if you start out dry in the morning, it’s tough to make it up during the day if you have reduced tears. There are other masks out there, btw, so you can look around.
      Heated eye compress (https://thermalon.myshopify.com/products/thermalon-moist-heat-therapy-eye-compress) since my glands are prone to clogging, I use this mask for 15 minutes each night and twice a day on the weekend.
      Nortic Naturals Ultimate Omega fish oil pills and EyePromise EZ Tears-Yes, these are expensive. Yes, you can get cheaper fish oil pills at Costco. But Nortic Naturals is considered to be very high grade and my eye doctor likes that the EZ Tears has other things in it that is good for eye health, on top of also being high quality. I take 2 of the nortic naturals and 2 of the EZ Tears to meet the amount of Omega-3 I need a day.
      Oasis Tears-the best eye drop I’ve used.

    11. Woman of a Certain Age*

      Well, there are different causes of dry eye so the treatments are going to differ because of the cause. In the past I’ve had problems with dry eyes caused by eye infections. My opthamologist said they were caused by staph germs resulting in an infection called blepharitis (which apparently just means “eye infection”).

      My opthamologist had me shampoo my eyelashes and eyebrows with Johnson’s Baby Shampoo which killed some of the staph germs. He said to stick to Johnson’s because other brands had different ingredients and he wasn’t sure that they would kill the staph germs.

      He also prescribed a hydrocortisone ointment which I applied to my eyelashes with a Q-tip. Of course I couldn’t do this when I had to go to work or out in public, but I did do it at night when I was home by myself and before I went to bed. Sometimes it would get in my eyes and give me blurry vision until my eyes washed it out, but overall it seemed to help. You can buy over-the-counter hydrocortisone ointments with a petroleum jelly base that are similar but not quite as strong and when the problems has reoccurred I’ve used the OTC ointments and they seemed to work O.K. If you try this, make sure you get an ointment and NOT a cream.

    12. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Thanks for all the useful tips! I’ve been doing hot and cold compresses, drinking more water (I recovered from bad sinusitis last week and spend this week blowing my nose a lot/losing fluids that way). Started day 2 of gummy Omega 3 vitamins, and am having a bit of roasted unsalted walnuts with my breakfast right now. I emailed my opthalmologist yesterday about the dry eye but will call the office early tomorrow to see what it could be/hopefully squeeze an Appt in before Thurs/vacation at an Air BnB….it hasn’t rained here in 3 weeks/dry weather. Eye: slightly pink, slightly itchy.

  53. An Ornery Mouse*

    At the beginning of this year, an old acquaintance moved to my city. We reconnected and have formed a good friendship that includes getting brunch or seeing a movie once a month or so, and occasionally inviting each other to social events. We are much better friends now than we ever were when we last knew each other. Toward the beginning of our evolving friendship, my friend said to me that they would be open to going on a date with me, to which I said “thank you, but no thank you right now, but maybe someday” and they were wonderfully accepting and it did not affect our friendship. 

    To preface my predicament: I genuinely cherish this friendship we have built – we are able to talk about big things and ideas (nano technology and how memory works and should I throw a garden party?) and hard feelings (I think I need to set new boundaries with someone and my mom is sick in the hospital) and our favorite tv shows (seriously, have you watched Fleabag yet?) and it is all very comfortable. I do not want any of this to change.

    However. About a month ago my friend brought up a date again – it was very open and direct and gave me a solid out. It also had a very hard timeline on it (“Would you like to go on a date sometime before this event happens?”) I said yes. This date has not materialized. Today is now the event/deadline that was set and… no word of the date. Since they asked me, our level of communication via text has not changed and we have seen each other at social events, and nothing felt different. I am unclear on how I feel about this. 

    On one hand my feelings are a little hurt that they didn’t make more of an effort to make the date happen, but perhaps they are feeling the same way that I am? Should I have brought the date up before we hit this deadline? I don’t know how to bring this up without it seeming like an overreaction or affecting our ability to be friends. If this is a rejection, I would like to be able to take it as graciously and they did when I initially turned them down.

    Anybody have any wisdom/thoughts for me?

    1. Aurion*

      I generally think someone gets to ask for a date once, and if they get turned down, the ball is in the askee’s court to open the door again. Your friend is already being pretty bold by asking (to be fair, with several months in between) twice.

      I do see why you’re miffed that the asker isn’t following up on a date they asked for…but at the same time, you did turn this person down once already, so depending on the level of enthusiasm of your yes your friend might be second-guessing if your yes really was a yes.

      At this point, if you are interested, why not just lightly go “hey, you still want to go for that date”?

      1. valentine*

        Figure this out before you do anything. It sounds like the answer is no. Maybe you just didn’t want to reject them again? You really love the friendship, but I see no desire for anything else with this person. There’s no “Aha!” moment or even a slow burn that led you to anything. You’ve not mentioned any feelings about dating. Had they not asked again, you wouldn’t have asked them out by now, right?

        But if you do want to date, maybe text them before the event, saying it’s a shame you all never had that date, but are they up for a beverage immediately post-event or next Saturday/Sunday/shared day off? This is so as not to have any awkwardness mar the event.

  54. Aurion*

    Low bar squatters: how do you keep the bar from feeling like (feeling like, not actually) it’s gonna fall off your back at the top/at full hip extension?

    This isn’t a problem when I’m actually squatting, since during the descent I’ve the hip hinge so the bar is effectively resting on my deltoids with the forward lean. But at the top/during setup, the bar is effectively against, not on, my deltoids, being supported by my arms, and I’m squatting heavy enough that it’s a strain for my wimpy arms! (High bar has the bar resting on the traps at all times so it probably feels more stable, but I cannot high bar, so switching is not an option.)

    I suppose a faster setup and not going for full hip extension is an option, but maybe there’s something I’m not thinking of yet?

      1. Aurion*

        I started with high bar, but discovered I don’t have enough traps to make a good shelf for the bar. At around 80 lbs, the bar rubs against my shoulder blades and hurts like hell, and I’m going a lot heavier than that nowadays. Having a barbell pad made the (high) bar wobbly on my back and I prefer being able to feel the bar, so I went low bar instead and never looked back.

        1. Christy*

          I’d be sure to engage your delts early (in set-up) and try chalk on your hands. It might help you feel more secure.

    2. PeteyKat*

      I tried to insert a link but I can’t. But Squat university is a great website to look up FAQ about squat form, etc. Good luck!

    2. Solar Moose*

      I’m 30, and have been on the train to giving fewer fucks over the past few years. No need to wait for menopause!

  56. Sally G*

    I get really stressed out by having so much time. I know it’s a precious commodity but I’ve felt like this since I was 18 (I’m 31). It feels like… what am I supposed to do all day? If I hop out of bed in the morning I’ll run out of things to do! If I were wealthy maybe it wouldn’t be an issue because I could spend my time in activity classes (perhaps). But people also say money doesn’t change anything or make you happier.

    How can I feel better about all the time in the day and appreciate what I have?

    1. BRR*

      Is there a hobby you can do? A lot of crafts are affordable. I bake to fill a lot of my spare time and while not always cheap, is affordable a lot of the time (especially when I’m repacking grocery store items like bread.

      1. valentine*

        Paint with Bob Ross.

        Cooking/baking/sewing/nail art/wig styling/home improvement. There are loads of tutorials online. Do you have any interests you can explore?

        Ask your public library if they have maps of trails or interesting stuff in the area, or where to find calendars of free activities.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Volunteer somewhere. Or set up a visiting schedule with a friend or relative.
      Time is shorter than we think. Since you’re young, I suggest a part-time job. You will need a nest egg later on for those activities classes.
      Excess time! A lot of people would call you lucky!

    5. Raia*

      I second volunteering, or a part time job if your current financial situation doesn’t allow for you to pursue the hobbies that you’d prefer. Traveling, even a road trip, could also help!

      You could also build a stronger skill set for hobbies/job field. Pets are cool too!

    6. YetAnotherUsername*

      Read 168 hours for lots of ideas.

      One obvious thing that springs to mind is working for money. You say you are not wealthy and have too much time. A (second?) job is one way to convert excess time into money.

      1. Sally G*

        Any advice for part time jobs that pay more than minimum wage? I just feel really uncomfortable hanging out with teenagers all day.

        1. YetAnotherUsername*

          If you have any midweek days free, office temping. I temped one day a week when my eldest was a baby to get out of the house.

          If you only have weekends free, working in a shop. I was weekend manager in a florist during my PhD.

          Both those jobs paid almost 50% more than minimum wage.

    8. Invisible Fish*

      Step in to help someone you care about who is overloaded. Take on a few of their tasks so they can have some breathing room.

      1. Sally G*

        I have felt like this most of the time for the past 13 years whether I was working or not. It feels like I need a more all-consuming lifestyle. Maybe I need to live on a farm.

      2. Sally G*

        The only time I didn’t really feel like this was in high school because I have class from 7 AM to 3 PM, and then I would have 2 hours to do homework and eat, and then I would dance from 5 PM to 10 PM. Then I would go home and sleep. Then on the weekends I did homework and worked the entire time. I just don’t find that possible to do nowadays because if I took that many dance classes as an adult it would cost me about $2000 a month. Besides, they don’t even have that many dance classes for adults to take. Anyway I don’t know if the answer is actually the answer I’m just saying what are used to work for me. But it’s not like I just stopped having energy because I stopped having access to things. I still have the same amount of energy and just nowhere to put it. I don’t know if I could put up with a part-time job knowing what kind of part-time jobs are out there. It seems like a bigger waste of time to make seven dollars an hour than to chill out at home.

  57. Foreign Octopus*

    I’ve recently been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), which is just swell though I’ve suspected it for a while. It seems all I do is worry, worry, worry. I’ll have maybe five glorious minutes where I don’t worry, and then it starts straight back up again. My current fixation? Getting my cat to Ireland in a pet-friendly cabin and I don’t even know when I’m leaving for Ireland but it’s probably 2020. Also, money, but that’s always a worry. Then there’s my writing: I divide my time between fanfiction and original stuff but I worry that I won’t ever publish if I keep writing fanfiction and then I worry that I can’t let my ft readers down because it’s part of an ongoing series and hello back in the circle again.

    I’m so sick of living with this constant, thrumming anxiety that leaves me stomach knotted, chest tired, and exhausted all the time. I honestly can’t remember what it was like to not feel like this.

    1. She's One Crazy Diamond*

      I have GAD and also panic disorder (and a couple other diagnoses that may or may not be relevant. If you’re open to it, medication helps SO much. I am on 100 mg of Zoloft and all my anxiety is gone but your body chemistry may be different so talk to a psychiatric professional about what’s right for you.

      1. Buzzbattlecat*

        I also have GAD and panic disorder, and was on Zoloft for a few years. For my body, it helped some but not with sleep. Eight years ago I asked to switch to mirtazepine 15mg, and for me it’s glorious, I take it at night and sleep brilliantly.
        I will warn you, there can be side effects, and a common one is low libido. For real though, nothing kills libido like the constant draining dread of anxiety! So for me, I don’t miss what I never had much anyway.

        1. Buzzbattlecat*

          Oh, forgot to say: I did CBT with two different therapists over the years, and I use it all the time with my triggers.
          Exercise helps A LOT too. Best of wishes to you!

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Marijuana or CBD oil, where it’s legal, might be an option. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)and exercise are other options. Some docs won’t prescribe even small amounts of anti-anxiety drugs, so be prepared for possible pushback.
      Chances are good you’ll need several techniques/strategies in your mental health toolbox to feel better. I sure hope you find effective tools soon.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think I would start looking at things that help with the collateral damage- pepto or something for the stomach, maybe some B vitamins for the chest. It’s probably best to work with a doc or a practitioner to find out what is best for you. Minerals can help the brain to calm down, you might enjoy a drink with electrolytes in it. Affirmations might be useful, but you do have to get used to doing affirmations. I forgot to use them for the longest time so I did not see any results at all until I started using affirmations- oh, more than once every four months.
      Cut your news media intake, it sucks, it will still suck tomorrow with or without you reading the news. I can go for days without really checking the news and for some reason the news remains bad, on it’s own and without me.

      Probably the most wearing is toxic people. If you have one or more in your life, start stepping back from them.
      I bet you are a person who is always helping others, now is a good time to learn to ask for help from the people near you and/or learn how to use the NO word.

    4. Weegie*

      My GP prescribed beta blockers, and they made such a difference. They remove the symptoms of anxiety, allowing your whole system to just calm down and taking away the worry cycle in your head. I started taking them in the wake of a traumatic incident that I hadn’t properly processed, was able to stop taking them once the anxiety had passed, and now I use them sporadically whenever the symptoms come back. Their advantage, unlike antidepressants, is that they work straight away and you can take them over a stressful period of time or just when needed.

  58. Jaid*

    Annnd my bedroom fan crapped out last night too. I’m not totally surprised, I’d had troubles with getting it started when it was on the lowest setting. But it is a Vornado and I can’t open it up to see if I can fix it. Amazon reviews weren’t happy with that model either…

    Yay for Amazon. The replacement is coming tomorrow.

    In the meantime… cooking. :-) I have some char siu back bacon cooking and a recipe for red cooked butternut squash (apparently “red cooking” is just another name to describe braising, in China)

      1. Jaid*

        :-) Vornado makes those, too! That’s what I had. The replacement is a Lasko brand that is a standing tower fan, so it’s not as obtrusive.

        I toss and turn, so I need air blowing on me from both sides. Usually, I have my table top air purifier on my bed and I maneuver it to blow on my face directly. But I’m getting a second fan to be on the other side of the bed to see if that works as well.

  59. She's One Crazy Diamond*

    I’m getting married today! Doing an immediate family only wedding and I’m so excited and also relieved at how little stress and money I have to deal with. Also picking up our new rescue puppy on our way home!

    11. Not So NewReader*

      omg, this is great. I am so excited for you. I am late reading, I hope you had the best of best days.

    13. The Kerosene Kid*

      Awesome!

      We had a immediate family-only wedding and it was wonderful. Not for everyone, of course, but I was so glad we went that route.

      Enjoy your day!!

  60. The Other Dawn*

    I bought my first pair of Tieks. Actually, two pair. I bought one in matte black and one in silver screen. Both are pretty, but I find the silver ones aren’t quite as stretchy as the black ones. I ended up ordering the silver in a bigger size, but they haven’t come in yet. Overall I like the looks of them and they seem like they’ll be comfortable, but I definitely need a little breaking in time. I was hoping they’d be perfect right out of the box, but that almost never happens for me. I’ll report back in a few weeks.

    1. MOAS*

      Oooo. Will be looking out. I have been curious about Tieks And wonder if they’re worth the price tag. Not sure if you’ve mentioned before but do you have wide feet? How does their sizing work?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I had wide feet when I was much heavier, but now I’m sometimes wide and sometimes not. Depends on the type and brand of shoe. The carry only full sizes, standard width only. But they’re supposed to stretch and mold to your feet.

  61. Shay*

    My department head told me that she thought my BFA thesis exhibition was going to be too much work, it involves building false walls in order to gouge scars into them.

    I’ve been involved in building walls before, but that was before I was disabled.
    Now I have to write up a new proposal.

    I really understood what I wanted to do with this one, but, ugh.

    I’ll also be presenting the proposal to the entire department Wednesday. I’m so tired.

    2. Woman of a Certain Age*

      It sounds interesting and I can understand your disappointment at having to start over. True creativity has to do with finding creative ways of working within limitations and I’m sure you’ll think of something that doesn’t involve building false walls. I’m not sure if being tired is a help or not, but maybe take some time to brainstorm and sleep on it before starting on that new proposal. You’ve got a couple of days, still. That said, don’t wait any longer than Tuesday to get the proposal done.

  62. Sleepless*

    My husband and I went to see a Def Leppard tribute band last night! We didn’t stay for the whole show, but we had a good time. We spent several years being homebody introverts while we were dealing with some life stresses, and it feels good to be getting out a little more recently.

    2. wingmaster*

      So cool! I would love to attend more tribute bands shows. I saw actual Def Leppard in ’17, and they were still rocking.

    3. Goose*

      I love Def Leppard went too many of their shows when I was younger.

      But are your ears ringing today? If they are, it’s tinnitus and you need to protect your hearing next time otherwise you might go def.

  63. The Other Dawn*

    No question, just whining.

    So, my tenants are supposed to be moving out Monday FINALLY. It was supposed to be four months ago, but we came to an agreement, which they honored up until this month. Since they have to leave, they decided to screw us on the *steeply reduced* rent this month. Whatever. As long as they leave and I don’t have to evict them. As soon as they’re gone, my in-laws, whose house burned down last month and has to be 100% gutted (tenants know this!), will be moving in until the house is rebuilt. They’re elderly and staying in a hotel at the moment. I feel bad for them, as they weren’t able to save anything other than their old Victrola and some photo albums. Their insurance adjuster has been awesome the whole way through. Hopefully the tenants actually leave Monday. If not, my in-laws have to start over with the relocation agency to find another rental. They’ve already been living in a hotel for a month so fingers crossed the tenants leave! I’m trying to not dwell on it this weekend, but man, it’s really tough. I’m leaving for a business trip at the end of the week and them not leaving will be a lot of added stress I don’t need.

    2. WellRed*

      Do you see signs of packing? Have you asked to set a time for a walkthrough and get keys back (more to emphasize you want them gone and aren’t just hoping).

      1. Eva and Me*

        Yeah, I am too anxious to spend the weekend not knowing. Maybe checking in on them could make it clear(er) they need to go!

      2. The Other Dawn*

        They got a very firm letter from me mid-month reiterating their move-out date, stating that absolutely no requests for an extension will be considered. They’re friends of a friend, and my friend gave me the heads-up they planned on asking for another extension. This friend has kept me in the loop since they haven’t answered messages. She says they’re to the woman’s mom’s house and have all appearances of leaving, but I absolutely won’t believe it until I see it for myself. I trust my friend–I don’t trust the tenants.

        It’s a long story, but I initially gave them an extension of four months back in May with new terms because Reasons. After all this time they still haven’t found an apartment, which is pretty difficult around here; there’s lots of housing, especially this time of year. Even my friend and other renters I know don’t understand it. We planned on selling the house, and I still want to, but now that my in-laws are basically homeless at the moment, it makes sense to let them move in. Plus it’s guaranteed rent for the next six to nine months while the house is rehabbed.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Should have added that my old house, the place they rent, is almost an hour away so it’s not like I can casually swing by whenever. I mean, I could, but it’s a pain. Obviously I’ll have to, though, if they ignore last night’s message.

  64. Shiny Onix*

    I am sick of today. I’ve been slowly coming down with a cold all week and trying to stave it off, but today I woke up with a severe case of dizzy. I’ve got a few cold symptoms and feel sorry for myself in general but basically, I’m fine when lying down, but horribly dizzy when I stand up. It’s really frustrating and I don’t like it.

      1. Shiny Onix*

        I’m a bit better today. I’ve been on leave all week and due back to work tomorrow, ugh. I suppose there’s no point second guessing whether I’m well enough to work until I wake up tomorrow, is there? I hate this feeling though, it’s so frustrating when I’m ok when horizontal.

  65. Shiny Onix*

    Pokémon Go!
    I caught shiny aipom on Monday, shiny Onix on Tues and shiny ekans on Wednesday. My shiny luck is unparalleled. Also, my friend got an ex raid pass for next weekend and is inviting me, too. Hurrah!
    Green thumb are you out there? Not seen you for a few weeks.

    1. GingerNinge11*

      Exciting! I caught a shiny Eevee and a shiny Chikorita!

      If anyone needs a new friend, my code is 6148 7038 6487. I’m in Alberta, Canada :)

      1. Shiny Onix*

        I’m going to add you. I’ve seen you post a few times so even though I don’t usually add people I don’t know irl I’m making an exception! :) My username is {kid’s mode of transport} {kid’s name} 1000.

      3. Mobius*

        I’d love a friend from Canada! My husband and I just redownloaded Pokemon to get me through the last two months of being pregnant and I don’t know anyone else who plays.

    2. Smol Book Wizard*

      I’m walking my Feebas in progress towards my second Milotic, for a mission… and being very sorry for my little pokemon who haven’t gotten healed up because I don’t have enough potions/revives. (I am an inveterate rescuer of things, including Team Rocket’s corrupted pokemon.)

      1. matcha123*

        I took that guy off for a bit. He needs 100 candies to level up and I’ve got…60? maybe? Adding to that the game doesn’t count all of the walking I do with my phone when I don’t have it active.

      2. Shiny Onix*

        Oh my god yes. I am not capable of catching a shadow Pokémon without purifying it. It’s in pain!! Must save!!!

        If it helps a little, you can revive then by powering up. You’ll still need the potions to bring them back to full health but it’s a start – ?

        If you have raid passes, you could do some raids for rare candy, revives and potions.

      3. GingerNinge11*

        Feebas takes FOREVER. I had around 60 candies to start and it still took me over two weeks. And I caught maybe 4?

      4. Arts Akimbo*

        I so know what you mean!! I see those little corrupted dudes and spend all my stardust helping them, LOL! Also my inner sense of fairness to imaginary animals leads me to reward them for being good in battle by powering them up, so I just never have any stardust ever, while my spouse has over two and a half million!! (I am comfortable in my management principles, Tech Writer Akimbo!!!!) x-D

    3. LGC*

      I’m so jealous – I hardly catch any shinies outside of events!

      I’m trying to force myself to be more active – I have WAY too many balls and not enough potions.

      1. Shiny Onix*

        I feel like someone has switched a button so I’m getting loads. I never used to get this many, it’s just the last few months. I am well aware how lucky I am!

    4. NoodleMara*

      That is an incredible amount of shinys!
      If anyone needs more friends, my code is 3222 5923 1312. I just got back into it a week ago after not playing for almost a year.

    5. Southern Metalsmith*

      Hi friends! Zeomom here.
      Congratulations on the shinies! Aren’t they fun? I haven’t had much luck with shinies lately, but that’s bound to change sooner or later. I’m on step 6 of 7 in the thousand year slumber quest. 3 Excellent curve ball throws – oh, ugh.

      In other news, Niantic must have updated spawn points recently because I can now catch Pokemon in my (suburban) house! Now if I could just figure out a way to get a pokestop in the backyard. Hmmm.

      1. Shiny Onix*

        Have you already done the pokéstop seven days in a row? I managed the three excellent curveballs before I’d finished that. Frustrating if that’s all you’re waiting for. Do you know the L trick for curveballs?

        Exciting to be able to catch Pokémon at home when you couldn’t previously!

    6. Arts Akimbo*

      I am so happy to have finally, finally hatched a 100% Dratini!!! I’ve evolved him all the way up and am now trying to power him all the way up. He’s at 3305 currently, and I have like NO stardust and I am literally working for this pokemon, just catching everything in order to power him up, LOL! He’s got a pretty kickass moveset– Dragon Tail and Outrage. Take that, Team Rocket! ;)

      After an incredible run of luck on Mudkip community day when I caught five shinies, I have seen very few since! I did hatch a shiny Eevee and a shiny Magnemite, though, and I caught a shiny Nidoran (male) last night.

      My trainer code is 2249 1336 4735 if anyone wants to add me. I am in Tennessee, USA.

      1. Shiny Onix*

        AMAZING re dratini!!

        Didn’t you get any shinies on the community days since?
        Jealous of the magnemite and nidoran though, I don’t have either of those.

  66. Aurora Leigh*

    Anyone know if you can purchase men’s button up dress shirts with a more generous neckline? My fiance finds it really uncomfortable to button the top button on dress shirts. And they do look tighter on his neck than other guys.

    He’s a groomsman for a friend’s wedding today, and I promised to try to find him something better when it’s our turn!

    1. Morning Reader*

      Doesn’t men’s shirt sizing include neck measurement? Don’t know how old your boyfriend is, but men keep growing in their twenties. Maybe he’s just outgrown his old shirts? (I am the least expert person you can imagine re men’s clothing, but I recall my mother giving me neck measurements when I was purchasing presents for male relatives, so… I think that’s a thing?)

    2. Auntie Social*

      What’s his neck size? Sleeve length? There are dress shirt extenders, those might help. They look like a white shirt button with a little elastic, they make a world of difference. At sewing stores. Any good men’s store carries men’s shirts in a wide range of sizes—Brooks Brothers, Nordstrom, Macy’s, JCPenney, etc. Look for traditional fit or big and tall.

    3. LGC*

      Thirding – most men’s dress shirts are sized by neck line and sleeve length! There are a couple of problems where shirts do tend to get scaled up, though, so “weird” proportions are harder to find.

      (I’ve seen both ways where shirts just have the S/M/L/XL sizing and that shirts actually do have sizing. As a really tall guy with a normal-sized neck, the former is frustrating.)

      But also – if you’re renting your tuxedo they’ll fit you. The rule of thumb I remember is…literally a rule of thumb (or at least of fingers) – you should be able to fit a couple of fingers in the neckline of your shirt when it’s buttoned. So he might be choosing the shirt with a neck that just barely closes, instead of one that allows him to breathe.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Some shirt brands offer bigger neck sizes with “athletic cut” (bigger neck but slimmer through the body).
      If you can’t find button extenders, you can re-sew the button closer to the edge and/or sew it with elastic thread so it stretches when buttoned. Tailors/dry cleaners can do this for you, if needed.
      Best of Luck!

    5. Parenthetically*

      Proper dress shirts should be sized by neck circumference and arm length, and they should be fairly easy to find — J.C. Penney definitely carries shirts sized that way.

    6. Dr. Anonymous*

      A moderate priced store like Men’s Wearhouse or Jos. A Banks in the US will measure his neck size for him.

    7. Aurora Leigh*

      This is all really fascinating to me — I had no idea how oblivious I was to men’s sizing conventions!

      He was measured for the rental suit he wore as a groomsman yesterday, but it was a place in the mall. He’s not overly tall (about 5’10”) and his T-shirt size is a Medium, so I think what’s happening is that his neck is much broader than the expected proportions. We do hav a JCPenney nearby, I will have to measure his neck and then take a look at what the measurements on dress shirts look like.

      Maybe the answer is to buy a shirt big enough at the neck and then have it taken in. The rental shirt did have the elastic on the top button, but even then, there was no way he was getting 2 fingers between the fabric and the skin.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        Men’s shirts often also have different cuts, including “tapered”, so if he has a big neck and a slender waist, there’s a shirt for him. I would also call the rental place back to see if they have another shirt. Neck size is pretty basic and they may have made a mistake or been out of his size and didn’t care enough to have him come back.

  67. Elenna*

    Was reading old threads and in the one about coffee wars, someone mentioned their sister’s 15-year-old friend who buttered bread before putting it in the toaster. I just wanted to link (hopefully in my name? did I do that right?) a video of a 25-year-old man who had just realized that. :D (Watch the first couple minutes.)

    Fortunately, nothing caught on fire, and the only consequences were a) a rather unimpressed wife (who found the puddle of half-melted butter under the toaster) and b) a whole lot of vlog viewers who will never let him live it down.

    (Unlike the girl in the post that reminded me of this, he did not come from a particularly controlling family, and he’d been living on his own in years. He just hadn’t eaten much toast before that.)

    1. Koala dreams*

      I sometimes butter bread before I put it in my sandwich toaster. It’s yummy. Sad to hear that you can’t do that in a regular toaster. Good thing I don’t have a regular one.

    2. Piranha Plant*

      Links aren’t allowed in usernames anymore, but I know what vlog you’re talking about! There was one video where he did set something on fire in the microwave. His wife wanted him to make her some tea while she was getting ready for work. Since he just woke up, he put some water in a metal mug and put it the microwave. Fortunately the fire was contained to the mug. There were some comments that were more confused on why he heated water in the microwave to make tea.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      A friend tells a story of a person who was making hard boiled eggs. The eggs exploded I guess. When they went to clean up, “where’s the water?”. The answer came, “Oh you are supposed to put water in with the eggs?”

  68. Duffie*

    What websites do you use to find new recipes? I am getting bored with the same old dishes that I make over and over. Thanks!

      1. BRR*

        I love Smitten Kitchen. I also love simply recipes (but usually only recipes from Elise). I also check out e cookbooks from the library.

    2. Lost in the Woods*

      I love Serious Eats! Some of their recipes expect way too much in the arena of specialized ingredients, but I always find them interesting and a lot are pretty accessible.

    3. Zephy*

      I’ve found some new recipes through Supercook dot com. You input all the ingredients you have (or pick from a list), then it shows you all the things you can make and links you to recipes, usually on food dot com. You can filter by cuisine, meal type, key ingredient, dietary restriction, or search for a keyword. It will also show you things you could make if you had one or two other things, in case you have a substitute for X or forgot you had X or have time to run out to the store to get X.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I’m fond of Budget Bytes; the emphasis there is more on meal prep and economical ways of getting the most bang for the buck, ingredient-wise, but I’ve found a number of tasty recipes there.

      1. Luisa in Dallas*

        +1 on Budget Bytes. She tests her recipes carefully, and she shows pictures of the steps, so her site is very helpful.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        I also like Budget Bytes. Her recipes also have a lot of variety.

        I like damn delicious too. Good choices of recipes and accessible ingredients.

    5. Purt's Peas*

      Serious Eats, Bon Appetit–mostly the videos, but also the magazine itself–and sometimes the NYT food section.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I LOVE the NYT for new recipes. I was raised on Julia Child and have been a great home cook for a couple of decades, and my kitchen feels totally reinvented by NYT Cooking. Unfortunately I think it’s no longer free unless you have a print or digital subscription, so not everyone can access. I am a subscriber but for me it would be totally worth it just for the recipes!

          1. Filosofickle*

            I’ve heard that but for reasons I don’t know, it’s not extra for me. It’s included in my digital all-access, which came with my Sunday print delivery.

    7. Spoons please*

      Skinnytaste. She goes for healthy, but she avoids weird diet ingredients and 99% of what I’ve made from the site is delicious. Oh yes, Damn Delicious is great too!

    9. FinePrint*

      I love RecipeTinEats dot com. It got me out of a cooking rut. My go-to recipes are Pad See Ew (Thai Stir Fried Noodles), Pad Thai and Slow Cooker Pot Roast. Lovely descriptive introduction and a brief video how-to.

      1. Even Steven*

        Oh, yeah!!! Seconding RecipeTin Eats – Nagi’s recipes and photography are mouth watering! Her recipes never fail. I also love simpleindianrecipes dot com – Dahlia’s lunch box/picnic recipes have made my workday lunches something to get really excited about. And for cosy fall cooking, allrecipes dot co dot uk – lots of the British and Irish stuff I grew up with. And for good old American pizza-topping lookups & tailgate party ideas, delish dot com.

        Great, now I’m hungry. :)

      2. Even Steven*

        Oh, yeah – seconding RecipeTin Eats – Nagi’s recipes and photography are mouthwatering. Her recipes will never let you down. I also love simpleindianrecipes dot com. Dahlia’s lunch box/picnic recipes have made my work lunches something to be really excited about and look forward to all morning. And for cosy British & Irish food, allrecipes dot uk. Great roasts and puddings. And for good old American ‘yikes – need a list of possible pizza toppings’ or ‘what the heck do I bring to a tailgate party’ ideas, my go-to is delish dot com.
        Great – now I’m hungry!

    12. cat socks*

      Budget Bytes
      Mel’s Kitchen Cafe
      Skinnytaste
      Pinch of Yum
      Once Upon a Chef
      Sally’s Baking Addiction

  69. I'm A Little Teapot*

    My area got a ton of rain yesterday. I accidentally measured a minimum of 5 inches (left something outside but it overflowed), and was told we got 7 inches. I believe it. Of course, the whole area flooded. House is fine, but my car got water in the cabin. So I got to call the insurance company and open a claim. We’ll see how Allstate is, and we’ll see how bad the car is. I know my neighbor’s garage flooded and they’re having to throw out a ton of stuff.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Well, I have a rental car. PSA: if you call the national Enterprise call center because the local store is closed, it’s a very good idea to call the store and confirm everything. Glad I did, because everything was screwed up. But I ended up getting a ride from a friend, then had lunch with her. So that make things much better.

      Also, when it rains it pours. The auto cat feeder scrambled itself last night, and I was unable to un-scramble it. So that’s in the trash and we’ll see how Arwen does with a bowl of dry food out.

  70. Chylleh*

    We have that same cat feeder for my cat and she loves it. We have the food drop down into a puzzle dish and I’m still amazed at how long it took her to figure it out (we helped her, so she didn’t starve). She got it though and now it keeps her entertained and slows down her eating.

  71. Anon because parenting is hard*

    I would love some wisdom from this group. My kindergartner got into his first fight… He and one girl, fighting other 2 boys and 1 girl that he is otherwise friends with. There was no malice from what I understand, just playing “superheroes”, but throwing real punches etc. Nobody got hurt much from what I gather, and teachers didn’t even notice. I only found out after seeing a bruise on him and pushing him to talk. He didn’t want to tell me because he felt ashamed of his behavior. I am so sad he didn’t tell me, so sad he is really struggling with feeling bad (scared & ashamed) about the situation, and worried about monitoring of the recess being so loose (a known issue admitted by the school).
    And, on top of that I feel like I don’t want to betray kid’s trust by telling my spouse. Kid only told me because I promised I’d just listen and not tell him what he should do… I don’t want to trick or push kid into telling, and in addition, I am not sure the spouse could bite his tongue and not chastise him for his actions. However, I am so used to being able to talk about anything and don’t want to be keeping any secrets… So, my heart is heavy… Any advice?

    1. WellRed*

      I think it’s generally not a good idea to promise a kid “not to tell” unless there’s a compelling reason to. And if that’s the case, you’ve got a bigger issue than a sad child. To the fight: Is it a game that got out of hand? Is your child really that sad or is he picking up on your sadness? I’ve never known a small child to dwell on anything for too long. Might be forgotten by Monday though I’m side eyeing the school.

      1. WellRed*

        Sorry, advice: sounds like you’ve talked to your son and he knows this was wrong. He sounds pretty self aware and no one got hurt. I also think if it’s going to bother you not to say anything, you should tell your spouse, without the kid present.

        1. YetAnotherUsername*

          If you do decide to tell your spouse make sure that he will not let kid know that he knows. Otherwise kid will not trust you again for a long time.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      A friend used this technique with adults (employees), “What do you think you’d like to do differently if this ever happens again?” Then JUST. Listen.

    3. Anono-me*

      I’m coming at this from a somewhat different angle. But this feels more like unsafe play, than a true fight. To me, a true physical fight has a very strong component of wanting to hurt someone (or defending yourself from that). Your post says you don’t think that there was malice involved. So maybe consider an approach similar to if he had been playing in traffic etc.

    4. Nita*

      I think you might be over-thinking it a little. They were playing, they did something dumb, just tell him not to throw real punches again. I’d also tell him thanks for telling you, and try not to react in a way that reinforces his idea that he must be ashamed and secretive about it. It also doesn’t seem to rise to the level of Things I Must Tell My Spouse for me… I mean, I do tell him, but just as an FYI about why the kid has a skinned knee again. For this sort of thing, whichever one of us picks the kid up from school talks to him, but there’s no repeat lecture from the other parent later on.

      And yes, poorly supervised recess is a safety hazard. Ugh. The number of times the kid has come home with a bruise because he tripped while racing/fell off the monkey bars… I don’t know why it happens so much more in school than in day care. Then again, he’s also gotten hurt on the playground right in front of me, right as I was telling him to be careful. Maybe school-age kids just have a lot of energy bottled up from sitting still all day.

    5. Agnodike*

      This sounds more like playing too rough than fighting to me, which I think requires a different approach. “Be careful when you play with friends; even if it’s fun, you could still hurt someone” is a different conversation than “You need to be able to express anger and solve problems without harming other people.”

      The issues that spring to mind are that he didn’t want to tell you (you could work on making sure he knows you’ll always listen to him without judgment, and reflect on whether any of your behaviours currently are sending him the opposite message) and that you’re not sure you can get on the same page as your spouse on this issue. Having to keep something a secret from your spouse so that they won’t go in a different parenting direction from you is a not insubstantial co-parenting issue. First, I think it’s a good policy to make sure your kid(s) know that Mum and Dad are a unit and don’t keep secrets from each other. But also, it’s important to make sure that you and your spouse agree on how to handle these issues when they come up, so your kid doesn’t feel the confusion and insecurity that comes with not knowing how a parent is going to react to something.

    6. Observer*

      A few things:

      1. You promised your kid you wouldn’t tell him what to do. You kept that promise. I hope you did not promise hum to keep it secret from his other parent – that’s something neither of you should do unless there is a really compelling reason.

      2. The others are right – this was not a fight, but it WAS unsafe play. It’s a good idea for YOU to understand that – and for you to help your son understand this. And, yes, he needs to learn that he shouldn’t engage in unsafe play, but it’s different than getting into fights.

      3. Your child’s not telling you is perfectly normal. Sure, it would have been better if he had told you, but I don’t think that this indicates the start of his keeping all sorts of secrets. It will be fine as long as you don’t over-react. If you actually help him see that he wasn’t a “bad boy” that’s all the more reason that he’ll keep talking to you – he will know that you are not going to always go to the worst interpretation of what he did.

    7. Tinuviel*

      I did this as a child. Me and 3 friends played superheroes and threw real punches (about 3rd grade age). Someone got hurt (either I hurt someone or got hurt, I genuinely can’t remember) and me and the other kid were sent to the principal. We got in trouble and the other 2 kids got away scot free.

      It felt very frustrating at the time to be punished for fighting when, as others said, we were playing rough. Everyone was in on it, nobody was being bullied or hurt (except when we took it too far). And it felt like the 2 of us were only in trouble because 1 person got injured. If it was wrong to play rough then the other 2 should have been punished as well.

      Honestly I don’t see a problem after telling the kid to play more gently. The real issue is that kids were punching each other and leaving bruises on the playground and the teachers didn’t notice. If there had been malice would the teachers have even seen it before/after? That’s more of an issue!

  72. Bewildered lately*

    Can anyone recommend a good food processor? I’ve finally got tired of holding the Cuisinart bowl in just the right way, with just the right pressure, so it will connect with the base. Time for a new one (it’s been 20 years!). Something mid-range, versatile, and reliable? I’m in the UK, if that is relevant. Thanks!

    1. Runaway Shinobi*

      I like my Magimix – quite a few attachments and it is excellent for kneading bread! John Lewis sometimes has good deals on them.

    2. Ali G*

      I have a Breville and love it! It’s a bit heavy duty, but I had a cheap one before that pooped out on me. Mine has slicing and shredding blades, and two bowl sizes so it’s really versatile.

      1. BRR*

        I’ve heard breville is the best. For something little cheaper the cuisinart 14 cup one is supposed to be good. Don’t know what’s available in the uk.

  73. MOAS*

    Had a big fight with my husband this week. Sparing the details, but it was about how bad my shopping addiction has gotten. I’m not ashamed of shopping or liking things per se, but I’m ashamed at how this has affected him. I am ashamed at my credit score and how awfully low my savings are.

    I took the immediate steps-keep my CC at home, removed them from my phone, and saved websites.

    I went further and am/will be modifying my habits to remove triggers—
    -change my route to work to avoid Sephora (work in the city with a lot of shops around)
    -unfollowed all the makeup apps/groups on social media so I’m not tempted
    -Putting myself on a strict budget with clear goals to meet by November/December/end of January. I am thankful to be fortunate enough that I am making enough $$ to have my savings at a certain point by New Years, and have all my credit cards paid off with enough left over to eat well and pay my bills AS LONG AS I RONT SHOP (shopping here being clothes makeup shoes jewelry)
    -keep busy on the weekends so that I have no time to go to the mall “for fun”

    Everything is laid out. Clearly defined.

    But…idk. I see my therapist next week. I’m ashamed i let it get so far.

    1. MissGirl*

      I’m glad you’re being so proactive and seeing a therapist. It’ll be good to figure out what void shopping fills or if it’s a distraction or other coping mechanism.

    2. Anon for this*

      You’ve mentioned in rhe past not knowing g what to talk to your therapist about. This is pretty important. But not just that the addiction exists, but WHY. What beliefs you have that make you spend to feel better. What emotions you are distracting yourself from by shopping. It’s like any addiction— you are self-medicating so you don’t feel, but what is it that you are avoiding? That’s what a therapist can help you uncover.

      1. MOAS*

        I don’t think I saw him since I last mentioned that Here, but my session is next week. This is def going to be one of the things.

    3. Turtlewings*

      It sounds like you’re taking a lot of good steps. It’s really laudable that you’re able to see, acknowledge, and act on the problem. Someone told me ages ago that “shame is a paralytic,” which is always counterproductive. Feeling guilty and embarrassed about our actions can spur us to change, which is good. But shame tends to say something like “you are an inherently bad and worthless person” and there’s nowhere to go from there, no change that can be made. You are not a worthless person, you just need to change your behavior, and you’ve got a good start on that. I’m cheering you on!

      1. MOAS*

        Honestly, I don’t feel AS bad about the shopping and money stuff as much as how My actions made my spouse feel. That he can’t depend on me and I have a separate life (I mean he’s not wrong, I sneak shop, get stuff delivered to my office etc). It just didn’t process that way for me until he put it like that.

        1. LibbyG*

          I have two contradictory thoughts about this. On the one hand, I think, “And by 2020, he’ll know more deeply than ever that when the chips are down that you’ll do the hard, hard things you need to do for your family. Go, MOAS!!”

          But on the other, I think “You’re not shopping *at* him. It seems counterproductive to turn this behavior into a representation of your commitment to him and the partnership.”

          But, not my business anyway. So best of luck, MOAS! And good on you for committing to some concrete strategies!

          1. MOAS*

            I think I see what you’re saying. I just used Dec 31 as a benchmark but have long term goals for beyond… it’s just that it’s easier (for me) to break them up in to blocks of time to make it easier to manage.

          2. Observer*

            No, she’s not shopping AT him, but a. she’s “sneak” shopping. That’s a trust issue right there. Also, there is a level of shopping that affects both of their finances. so, yes, he has a legitimate issue.

          3. Tinuviel*

            @LibbyG It absolutely is a representation of commitment and trust. Making major financial purchases and decisions that affect your credit score/savings? If you share finances with your spouse, that’s basically spending their money without them knowing. And your spouse will be on the hook for that if you go bankrupt. Worse is trying to hide things from your spouse because you know they won’t like it/approve, that makes them feel like they can’t be trusted or that you’re excluding them from your life.

            I don’t say this to shame MOAS–props for going to therapy–but let’s not pretend that shopping addiction is any different from other forms of addiction. “You’re not drinking *at* him. You’re not doing drugs *at* him. You’re not binge eating *at* him.” These behaviors affect someone who is as intertwined in your life as a spouse is.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You, go, my friend! You can do this.
      You have a good plan and you have tangible goals.

      And your shame is almost over, that is because you have committed to stopping. Life will feel good again, I know that it can.

      Keep us updated as you move through your goals here.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      So glad you have so much going to work on this. You’re doing a lot about external triggers, which is super smart. Can you come up with some comforting things to do for yourself when you do feel that urge? Are you and your husband in a place where you can do it together? The internal triggers are still there and will take longer to address and I think it’s helpful to have other ways to relieve the emotional stress that triggers shopping.

      1. MOAS*

        Just taking it day by day.

        i’m acrually going to the mall today (to return some stuff I bought and doesn’t fit!)…I guess today will be a test??

        1. Observer*

          I hope you didn’t take your card with you…

          Lots of luck – this stuff is not easy, but you’ve taken the most important first step.

          1. MOAS*

            I did not! And I wasn’t tempted by much! I know most of my external and *some* of the internal triggers, so I think being really mindful is really imp for me. Next step is educating myself more on what will help my credit score the fastest. I know tidbits but not a lot I’ll admit. Homework for the week

            1. Dancing Otter*

              Congratulations on starting a plan. You mention concern about your credit score, so here’s some info related to that. Many banks and credit card companies offer credit scores on their user portals — I know Chase, Discover, AmEx and Capital One do — so see if yours does.

              Credit score improvers:
              1) No late payments. Ones in the past will eventually fall off the report, very slowly. Most importantly, no defaults or judgements against you.
              2) No inquiries, i.e., no applications for new accounts or loans.
              3) Reduce credit utilization, which you intend to do by paying down your balances. This is calculated as a percentage of available credit, so as you pay things off do NOT close the accounts.
              4) Age of oldest account. As with #3, do not close your existing accounts, especially the oldest ones.
              5) Number of accounts paying on time. Not sure how this one works exactly, but I saw a temporary drop in score when I paid off my mortgage, and again when I paid off my car loan. Maybe just focus on the revolving credit accounts and not on paying off “good debt” early.

              There are other factors affecting one’s FICO score, but Fair Isaacs is cagey about the details. I sometimes suspect the phase of the moon is a factor when my score changes from week to week with no change in my circumstances. ;-)

              Good luck!

    6. It’s me*

      As a daughter of someone with a shopping addiction I have seen my mom attend debtors anonymous meetings since early on in her recovery. She still goes many years later. You do not have to do this alone

  74. Loopy*

    I posted this morning about traveling to Paris and London. It looks like those are our destinations, but we abruptly decided to not do a pre-planned package and book everything ourselves so it’s throwing me for a loop- I wasn’t expecting to have to figure out logistics!!!

    Anyone familiar with either of those cities, can you please help suggest areas in London that will be easy to get from Heathrow to and are super central, and areas in Paris that are good for tourists (walkable and near the rail, we”ll be taking the rail from London to Paris). The internet told me Covent Garden before I got overwhelmed and stressed. Didn’t even make it to Googling Paris!

    I’m very overwhelmed, this is our first international vacation and I really thought we were going to use a travel agent/Costco package.

      1. Loopy*

        My husband gets cares much more about cost (on principle, not out of necessity for this particular thing) and after doing out the math (we have a hotels.com giftcard that changes it a bit), he wants to save money more than pay for the assistance. We fall on opposite ends of the spectrum. I see value in paying more to have someone else figure everything out and hand me tickets. But the difference in cost was big enough it wasn’t the hill I wanted to die on.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t know if I’d die on the package tour hill, but I’d quite likely die on the getting-stuck-with-doing-the-work-when-he’s-the-one-who-canceled hill. I hope that’s not the hill you’re on.

          1. Loopy*

            Fortunately, I like planning in general. Especially for a fun reason. This is a rare omg-overload-can’t-keep-googling moment!

    2. Purt's Peas*

      Just did more or less that! Whatever your first city is, do a little bit more planning on that one–I ddin’t do a ton of research about Paris, so ended up eating at some spots that weren’t as good (did get to have some transcendent food, though!)

      On my trip to London, I went to an Ottolenghi restaurant, and it was amazing; went to Dishoom, which was also incredible; and went to a Breakfast Club location more than once for an extremely good full English breakfast. For tourist stuff, the Tower of London was pretty cool. Definitely go to a show, as well. Big recommendation for Paris would be the Islamic art wing of the Louvre. A b s o l u t e l y incredible.

      Two pieces of advice I’d give: go on tours! Tours are incredible. They tell you cool stuff and they always have good jokes lined up. AND, give yourself some time to come up with some stuff you want to do. For instance, my husband said, eat croissants in a cafe in a park. Hell yeah, that’s something to do, we did it, it was great! Just give it a little bit of pre-thought so you have an idea of the vibe you want before you get jetlagged.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes to tours! I did a great walking tour in Holborn that was focused on Samuel Pepys, and it was totally free. Absolutely loved it, one of the highlights of my trip. Stuff like that is great if you’re feeling a bit at sea about planning day-to-day activities.

      2. Loopy*

        Thanks! I definitely like the idea of thinking of things we want to do ahead of time. I know I’ll want to do something christmasy and he’ll want to try some local beers, etc. I’m definitely overplanning London and haven’t done much research at all for Paris. No idea why!!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          If you we’re fascinated by Unicorns as a kid like I was…put Musee de Cluny on your list. It’s the Museum of the Middle Ages, and it has that very famous unicorn tapestry “La dame a la licorne”. It’s an easy walk south of Note Dame.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Well, truly, if you choose any Air BnB or hotel near public transit, I think London is easy to get around. My first trip we stayed in a very central area and the place was so run-down and unbelievably expensive that it added a lot of stress to the trip — plus I felt a bit… I dunno, trapped? in such a touristy part of town. My second trip I stayed in southeast London near an Overground station, and it was infinitely more pleasant — quieter neighborhood, much more space, and just a few minutes’ walk to the station and an easy 20 minute trip into the city center. And then I felt like I got to experience a lot more of what London has to offer.

      Next time I’d absolutely love to stay in Bermondsey — it’s the perfect balance between “super chill vibe” and “lots to wander around and do/see/eat/drink.” (And just out of curiosity I looked up AirBnBs in Bermondsey and there are loads of lovely places for under $100/night!) Bonus with Bermondsey is it’s under 10 minutes to Westminster and 20 minutes to Holborn. The central areas of London, especially the touristy areas, can be crowded and hectic, and I found just that short train/tube trip back to a quieter neighborhood in the evenings to be a great way to take a breath before turning in.

      Apart from that, just get a Visitor Oyster Card ordered before you leave, look up some how-tos for tapping in and out at stations/on buses, and remember to stand to the right and walk on the left on the tube escalator. :)

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! We are go-go-go type of people so we want to step out our door and be off. I was in NYC and found the crowds exciting and liked people watching but I’m not sure if it’s a comparable vibe? I think I’m odd for finding things like that exhilarating. I will look up Bermondsey though!

    4. misspiggy*

      From Heathrow, the simplest and most affordable thing is to buy Oystercards at the Underground office there and visit places on the Piccadilly Line. Piccadilly Circus is a good starting point, as is Green Park (you can walk between them). Those give you Buckingham Palace, Green Park, the beautiful arcades off Piccadilly for window-shopping, the Royal Academy for art, Waterstones for books and coffee, and Fortnum and Mason for beautiful food souvenirs, afternoon tea, ice cream and just admiring the lovely things.

      1. misspiggy*

        And then if you want to find an affordable place to stay, or take in more of a ‘real London’ vibe, Finsbury Park on the Piccadilly Line isn’t at all bad.

    5. Jen Erik*

      My daughter lives in Camden, near to Kings Cross. Easy to get there from Heathrow – I think there’s a fast train, but I just take the tube – and then you’ll be right there when you’re heading to Paris. (Kings Cross and St Pancras are beside each other.) We’ve stayed in several different AirBnbs near to her – in Camden, once in Kentish Town – and they were fine.
      It’s reasonably central – but the transport links round London are good anyway – it’s easy to get around.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You say “we” and “our”. Which means there’s more than one person involved. You also planned to do a package. Which means someone else decided not to for some reason.

      Solution: That other person gets to deal with the logistics. They didn’t want to do the package, they get the consequences – good, bad, and ugly.

    7. Reba*

      Paris: just my 2 centimes

      Get an unlimited Metro pass if you can… not sure what systems are in place now, but at least a few years ago they introduced “dezonage” so you can travel the whole length of the system, which includes the regional rail that will take you to some chateaux or other day trips, for the flat price.

      Hotel or AirBnb in the 11th or 3rd
      Almost everywhere in Paris is near rail. The Metro is ridiculously dense and great, BUT most of it is not accessible, i.e. lots of stairs. Buses help quite a bit too though, and if you go by bus you see the city as you move.

      Tourist attractions that are worth it:
      Catacombs
      Basilica Sacre-Coeur, in Montmartre (approach from the side to avoid crush of touristy junk)
      I enjoyed the Canal boat tour quite a bit though it wasn’t like, a top-top highlight for me
      Getting some bread and wine and chilling in a park, be it the Tuileries or Buttes Charmont, wherever

      Not worth it:
      Eiffel tower — view from towers of Sacre Coeur is better (though again, lots of steps — if steps are out, even the views from the “buttes” of Montmartre and Belleville are great, and those remain cool, “real” neighborhoods to a great extent, so fun to explore)

      Best baguette: Ganachaud, 3 locations, most central being in the 11th I think (I literally planned my housing for one of my stays to be near this place, I’m a nut)

      A hidden gem: garden of the Grand Mosquee in the 6eme, tea and snacks, and they do a tour as well.

      Outside Paris, for your chateaux component I prefer Chantilly over Versailles. More manageable and less crowded.

      You can go to Mont-st-michel and back in a single (long) day, on a combo bus and train ticket. Search SNCF “train du mont-st-michel.” I loved this so much!! Again though, not for the weak of knees.

      If you are into art and architecture, a visit to the St Denis cathedral, in a northern suburb of Paris, may also be interesting. In general, there are loads of old buildings you can go in, and even non-famous ones are often very rewarding visits. This is definitely my nerd area, tho :)

      Have fun!!! I hate travel packages because I love planning. You can do this!

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Another alternative for the no packaged tour is that you each pick one city and do the logistical planning for it. If you are more passionate about London sites, you get London and he gets Paris. Or vice versa. That way you can make sure you see whatever are “must sees” for you and the work gets split. Since he mixed the package idea, you get first dibs on which city plan you are responsible for.

    9. Two Dog Night*

      In Paris, we stayed in the 5th Arrondissement, pretty close to the river, and that turned out to be a great location–it was close to the Saint-Michel Metro station, which connected to B and C RER lines. That got us all over the place.

      (RER trains are commuter rail; Metro is the subway. You’d take RER to Versailles… which I definitely recommend! It was fascinating.)

      Defintely do a walking tour of Paris. Totally worth it. We walked a ton in Paris, but the Metro is easy to use and will get you all over the city. One museum I’d recommend is the Army Museum, near Les Invalides. When we were there it had a really interesting exhibit about the French experience in Vietnam.

    10. moar snax please*

      The last time I was in paris, I liked this hotel: Hotel du Nord – Le Pari Velo. it’s not fancy, but it’s close to a metro. It also wasn’t in the tourist centre, but it gave a glimpse of domestic life in Paris – in the evening saw tweens/teens walking around with musical instruments. It was run by a couple (life partners? brothers? not sure). They were sweet. I was very sick and had lost my voice, so I kept miming things at them, and they teased me the whole time – in a friendly way, which made me feel more at home, if that makes sense. We had booked breakfast there every morning, and they remembered what I’d ordered (tea or coffee), and would try to serve me the same thing the following morning, but I kept randomly switching on them – but they faithfully remembered what I’d ordered the previous day. The hotel also had a stereotypical small french elevator. The woman who ran the pastry shop just across the street, or the main street was very nice. I went at closing one night with my 10 year old, and they gave us the pastries we wanted a couple extra “for breakfast”, so that was sweet. We had pizza nearby one night at “pizza tova”, a kosher pizza place which was delishious!

  75. WellRed*

    No advice needed but need to whine: do you ever get frustrated by being all set to Do The Task and then can’t? Got a new lightbulb for front porch, can’t get the stupid top off the fixture! Tried to sort out whether I can get any sort of cable working on tv but there’s a gazillion cords back there. #rantover

    1. Filosofickle*

      Oh, I hate that! I get all geared up, usually after a LOT of procrastination, and then it all comes to a screeching halt. (TBF it’s not any better when I do something right away either…all that self-congratulatory pride down the drain.) Booo!

    3. Victoria, Please*

      YES. Author Sherri Tepper’s description of Fairyland is a place where if you want to do something, everything is magically and immediately in place, with no waiting around for things to happen and people to get organized.

    5. Owler*

      Please search for a video of Hal, the dad on Malcolm in the Middle, trying to change a lightbulb. I think you’ll see a kindred spirit. :)
      (Search for “Malcolm Hal Lightbulb”).

    6. KayEss*

      I once risked electrocuting myself because I was dead-set on replacing the porch lightbulb at my parents’ house while they were away and then when I went to remove the burned-out one the glass part broke off… I was so determined to just GET IT DONE (instead of having to figure out their fuse box) that I went ahead and poked the base to see if I could take it out, anyway. Which of course went ahead and gave me a “hey, you’re an IDIOT” shock.

  76. when one spouse is the sole wage earner*

    My spouse is getting laid off and for various reasons it would be tough to get another job right now that would pay enough to make working worth it. Fortunately I earn more than enough money to support us both so he’s going to take some time to pursue some personal projects. We’re both conscious that it would be easy for me to start resenting him–I have a fairly high stress job and long-ish hours and wouldn’t like if he’s sleeping till noon and hanging out with friends all the time while I’m stressing at work to support us. We want to come up with an agreement about how to make this work so it feels like we’re both contributing equally. We have no kids or dependents to care for. We have a house cleaner and he already does most of the rest of the housework so more cleaning isn’t needed. What would you want from your partner if you were the sole wage earner? If you were in his shoes what would you want from me?

    1. Ali G*

      So I didn’t work for a year, and my husband always worked longer hours than I do, but there were a few things I did:
      We actually cancelled the housecleaners to save some money and I did all the cleaning
      I did the grocery shopping during the week and cooked most meals (I already did the cooking, but we used to shop on the weekend together – this way it was one less thing he had to do on his days off).
      I volunteered twice a week and eventually got a very low stress part time job (this may not work if spouse is planning to collect UE)
      I planned outings and made sure spouses life wasn’t all work and chores
      I basically took over all household chores, except for bills/banking since my husband can’t relinquish that
      I did a lot of cleaning out closets, organizing and basically making life easier
      There are always projects that come up – now spouse has time! :)

      1. valentine*

        sleeping till noon and hanging out with friends all the time
        Even if his friends are readily available, I don’t see a difference between this and personal projects. He shouldn’t have to build discomfort or negatives, like getting up before noon or not socializing, into his day. I would only do this if we had so much money, neither of us needed to cook or clean and I was truly happy to support him while he slept or did whatever, because that’s what I’d want if I didn’t have to work.

        In your case, maybe reevaluate your job, which sounds like a burden. If it’s part of a goal, what do you need from him to make it worthwhile? Can you build to a time where you get to move to a less stressful job or retire earlier?

        1. when one spouse is the sole wage earner*

          I love my job. It’s not a burden.

          I don’t want him sleeping till noon while I would love to do the same but instead work to earn the income to support us both–because that is a path to resentment.

    2. WellRed*

      I’d consider putting a timeframe on this plan and re-evaluating regularly. Also, cooking, shopping etc if he doesn’t already ( and can actually cook).

    3. Dan*

      Interesting question. Not my business, and perhaps not germane to the question you actually asked, but with no kids to deal with at home, how is it that working isn’t worth it for your husband?

      I went through this with my ex wife. At the time, I had a decent paying job with flexible hours, so I really could come and go as I pleased. Her background was in health care, doing shift work for much less pay than me. She decided that working didn’t pay enough for her to bother and got fired/quit. (No call/no-showing shift work gets one fired fast.) Simply put, there was nothing she could do to make not working “ok” in my book. IMHO, without kids, there simply isn’t enough household stuff to take care of to “justify” a stay-at-home spouse and forgo a second income.

      My shrink used to tell me that these kinds of situations are ok if both partners agree to it. I told her that’s fine and all, but since I’m not agreeing to it, then the situation can’t be ok, right? That said, with you, are you *sure* that you’re ok with this?

      1. when one spouse is the sole wage earner*

        Fair question! I am ok with it. He would be up for getting a job but right now it would likely have to be one with hours that would mean we would never see each other so I voted for this arrangement instead. I’m making so much right now (high 6 figures) that having him away (at probably a low paying job) during the few times we can spend time together seems wrong if it’s just for the principle of it. But I take your point.

        1. Dan*

          I get it. I have a sleep disorder such that I go to bed around 3am and get up for work around 10am. Many days I don’t get home until 10pm. If I have a live-in partner that keeps a more traditional schedule, what’s the point? We’d barely cross paths during the week. For me, though, it’s not about “the principle of it” as opposed to the practicalities. With my ex, she had something like $30k in student loans to pay, and I wasn’t touching them with a ten foot pole. Current day, I don’t want to deal with other peoples’ financial baggage, and then there’s the pesky matter of the house down payment fund.

          But I totally get where you’re coming from, and if financially you’re able to swing it, then so be it. To which, I offer the following advice: Don’t lose sight of the *primary* reason for which DH will not be working for awhile. And that reason is to spend quality time with you, not so much about being a live-in housekeeper and cook. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting he not take point on the housework, but I am suggesting if you try to keep score on that front, you’ll end up frustrated. So let that part slide, and be happy he’s home for you. Focus on that and you should be fine.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Agreed with WellRed about having a timeline. I’d also say a structure for pursuing those personal projects, for his own sanity. Is he going to work on them for X hours a day? Or a set time per week? Or something else? Are they things he could parlay into paid work? I just think it’s helpful to have all that stuff thought out from the start.

      In addition, I’d highly recommend you have a chat about emotional labor and noticing things. My husband couldn’t work for the first 18 months+ that we were married, and if I had it to do over again, I’d have asked him to read up on emotional labor, and to make a real effort to notice things that needed doing (doctor’s appointments! oil changes! birthday phone calls for nieces and nephews!) and then do them. He’s a heck of a lot better with household stuff than many men I know — I’ve never had to ask him to take out the trash or remind him to write something down on a shopping list if he notices we’ve run out — but there were still parts of a relationship that I felt responsible for that I wish I hadn’t had to carry while I was working full-time.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Also I just asked my husband this same question and he says he wished he’d have done some personal development in his field during that time, and that he’d built in a bit more structure into his days. He also wishes he’d found some sort of meaningful volunteering to do during that time.

        And another suggestion — it’s easier to travel when there’s only one person’s schedule to work around!

      2. Dan*

        re: “emotional labor and noticing things”

        Considering this is long in the past for you, I’m making this more of a general conversation topic, not specific advice.

        I’ve been single/living alone for most of my adult life, and working full time for all of it, except when I was in school. I was married for a relatively brief spell. I’ve always been the sole wage earner in my household.

        Specifically to the “noticing things/emotional labor” aspect, I’d suggest that these things are *very* specific to the two people involved and require a two-way conversation. Take, for instance, birthday calls to the nieces and nephews. If they’re *my* nieces and nephews, whether or not they get called shouldn’t be something my partner is “allowed” to get on my case about. If they’re *her* nieces and nephews, then it’s her business to call them.

        More broadly… the problem with living alone is I’m acutely aware of what does or doesn’t get done if I don’t do it. For better or for worse, there’s no magic fairy that takes care of things without me worrying about it. If I get into a live-in relationship again, I can guarantee that the things I don’t do aren’t something that I expect someone else to do on my behalf… they don’t get done because I don’t particularly care if they get done right then and there.

        Point being: The two parties involved need a heart to heart and “meeting of the minds.” It’s not one telling the other what “expectations” are, so to speak.

        P.S. The dirty dishes have been in the sink for a week and I don’t care :D

        1. LuckySophia*

          What a great bunch of comments about noticing things! Speaking as a fellow “married-briefly-living-alone-working-full-time for my whole adult life”…yeah, in the absence of the Magic Housekeeping Fairy, one gets to choose what one cares to do. And what one chooses to ignore.

          I don’t actually mind dishes if I can wash them in the morning while the coffee brews, and let the sound of the running water put me into a Zen state (before the caffeine jolts me out of it) … but vacuuming feels like vast , insurmountable drudgery for some reason. So if I were involved with someone who felt the same as me, there would truly need to be a “meeting of the minds” about what constitutes an acceptable cubic volume of dust-bunnies on the hardwoods…and who shall deal with it, when.

        2. Parenthetically*

          I think living apart from family as an adult is a huge part of why my husband is better at this stuff than a lot of guys I know. Living alone does just what you said — it makes you acutely aware of what does or doesn’t get done if you don’t do it. Unfortunately for a lot of men (who just plain aren’t socialized in the same way that women are when it comes to household stuff), they go straight from living with their mothers to living with a string of female partners, who are socialized to BE the fairy that takes care of things without her partner worrying about it, and I think it really hamstrings their growth in this area.

          I do want to push back on one thing — I don’t know if it’s helpful to characterize emotional labor as “stuff my partner is allowed to get on my case about.” Emotional labor is about a situation where both partners believe X needs to be done, but one partner is offloading responsibility to notice/schedule/delegate/manage X to the other partner, often due to socialized gender roles. It’s not your girlfriend being allowed to bug you about calling your nieces (or you telling her you’re not going to call them to pre-empt her “bugging”), it’s about hypothetical-you accepting a situation where, for example, SHE gets flak from your family if YOU forget to call your nieces because of course women are the ones managing a couple’s social calendar. I think the conversation is usually going to go something more like, “I’ve been taking responsibility for things F – Z because they need doing and aren’t getting done if I don’t do them or ask for them to be done. I’d rather not be responsible for all those things and I’d like for us to actually negotiate an arrangement where those things don’t fall entirely on my shoulders, rather than slipping into a gendered dynamic where Men Just Don’t Notice These Things (and women have to ask them to ‘help’).”

          1. Parenthetically*

            (Oh, and I’m meaning all this in a general way, not in a gendering way — sorry if it seems like I’m assuming you’re a woman, OP!)

          2. Dan*

            Aha. At least for the extra-family gendered component anyway. Lucky for my future SO, I’m not a momma’s boy and have no problem telling my side of the family (e.g., my mother) where to stick it if it comes to that. Also lucky for future SO is that I know how to cook and grocery shop, so there isn’t an expectation that that falls completely along traditional gender roles. Hell, when I was married, I did all the cooking and grocery shopping despite holding down a full time job and my ex not working.

            Side story: My ex was a bit narcissistic. As mentioned, I cooked and grocery shopped. Ex did the cleaning, of which she was a fiend. Except… because she was narcissistic, on cleaning day, when I would come home from work, she would demand that I grovel and tell her how wonderful the place looked. And I’m not talking about “looks great honey, thanks” but levels of groveling that I was never able to master.

            Back then, it took me a week’s worth of work wages to pay the rent (no exaggeration). One day when I came home, I told that I just paid the rent and it took all week to do it. She literally asked me, “And why are you telling me this?” Um, because if you’re going to demand I grovel over two hours worth of cleaning (if that) a little appreciation for working 40 hours to pay the rent isn’t out of the question.

            1. Parenthetically*

              Yeah, and I think your experiences with that will be helpful if/when you have another cohabiting-level relationship. Sounds like she was actually offloading a bunch of emotional labor onto YOU! And boy, that pattern sounds familiar to me, only mine was in a really dysfunctional friendship. She would do absolutely nothing or the bare minimum to keep up her end of our friendship and expect abject supplication and fawning gratitude in return, and I would bend over backwards and expend tons of energy helping and listening to her and get a cold, “I don’t know why you’d expect me to show gratitude for doing what a stranger would do” in response.

              I used to teach high school students and one of my most consistent pieces of advice was to tell them not to marry/move in with someone who’d never successfully managed living alone or with roommates (including doing chores, cooking, doing laundry, etc.). My husband lived with different housemates in the same house for ten years before we got married, and cooked twice a week and did a lot of the grocery shopping for the household, and participated in a chore roster, so he just straight-up was not as helpless as MANY of my friends’ husbands. He had a decade of noticing things needed to be done and knowing he was responsible for doing them. I lived completely alone for most of 10 years (barring a 2-year stint with one impossibly frustrating roommate). We really came into our marriage as equals in that area and were happy to negotiate all of it.

    5. BRR*

      When I was unemployed, I basically did all of the cleaning, cooking, errands etc. I managed the list of things and asked my husband because we knew it wouldn’t be great if he delegated tasks to me.

    6. Goldfinch*

      We are in a similar situation. There’s complicated family BS, but the short story is that we need for my husband not to have income right now. Anyhow, we have some ground rules:

      1. No guests on a weekday. Coming home from a stressful day of work to find a stranger in my haven makes me rage.

      2. He handles everything that requires waiting or being on hold. Health insurance snafus, car repairs, household service calls–anything that involves keeping appointments, navigating a phone tree, or similar administrative hassles is ALL on him. I hand him a pile of paperwork and set him loose.

      3. Clearly defined spending limits for both of us. We always had this, but we greatly reduced the amount when we became a one-income household. Anything above a set amount requires a check-in before pulling the trigger.

      4. Semi-weekly conversations about any particular annoyances, where we can request specialized or one-time chores. The goal is to keep anything from festering. “I know you haven’t been in the study this week, but the cat threw up a hairball. I cleaned up the most of it, but I need you to steam-treat the left corner of the room.”

    7. Dr. Anonymous*

      I was married to a man who for a while worked offshore three weeks out of six. He was completely off when he wasn’t offshore. One day I came home from a longish day at work and he was bustling around the kitchen. He handed me a small drink and announced dinner would be ready in 20 minutes, and then we ate. I immediately and completely understood in that moment why there was such backlash when “housewives” took jobs outside the home. Being able to walk in the door and sit on your behind and be fed was MAGICAL. I told him he was my hero.

      If one of your big goals is to avoid resentment, think about what would make you feel amazing when you walk in the door at night, and see if that can be part of the deal the two of you make.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes, heavens. When I was working and my husband wasn’t, many’s the day I walked in the door exhausted and found myself with a cool drink in my hand and all my bags and accoutrements hung up, hearing, “I’ll make that Moroccan dish you like for dinner, shall I?” It was indeed magical.

        I think both people wanting to do things that make the other person light up is one of the key components of a successful relationship.

    8. Anono-me*

      Three things you may want to consider.

      1. The sleeping until noon. Does it really matter if he sleeps until noon as long as he carries (what both of you have agreed is) his weight? Although it might be nice to have morning coffee together.

      2. How will this impact his social security?

      3. Should he be going back to school for training or certification during time off?
      If his career is at such a point that this makes sense for your family; Maybe he should reexamine his career trajectory. (Not saying having a high paying job is the be all and end all; but I wish that everyone had the potential to have a job that treated them well and paid a respectful wage.)

      1. Filosofickle*

        I’m curious about the “sleeping til noon” caveat. Why do you believe this particular thing will make you feel resentful? Is it because it seems slothful? Because it means he’ll be up half the night? You’ll be working to pay the bills whether he sleeps in or not. As long as he’s doing the things that you’ve both agreed make the tradeoffs worthwhile, extra R&R feels okay to me. Your agreement should feel like common expectations, not strings attached.

        I had a coworker long ago whose husband was a house flipper and he set his own schedule. She started work at 7 or 7:30am, and not too long after that would call home to make sure he was up. Not because he needed an alarm clock, but because she said she didn’t think it was fair for him to get to sleep when she couldn’t. I still don’t understand that or think it’s okay. I love sleeping and my natural schedule means waking after most people. I’d resent a partner that insisted I be up for no real reason.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I mean, for most people, sleeping until noon is going to either eat into the productive portion of their day or result in a pretty major shift in their waking hours. When I was working and my husband wasn’t, he basically got up with me in the morning and went to bed with me at night because that maximized our time together. I wouldn’t have enjoyed feeling like I had to tiptoe around in the mornings to keep from waking him, or having him tiptoe around at night to keep from waking me. People should do whatever works for both of them, obviously, but “I value having breakfast with you in the mornings before I go to work” and “I value going to bed at the same time as you so we can unwind in bed together” aren’t really “for no reason.”

          1. Filosofickle*

            I did not articulate it well, but mismatched schedules was what I meant by if the issue was being “up half the night”.

            If the answer is “conflicting time schedules would be difficult and we wouldn’t have enough time together”, that’s a fine answer. But that’s not the impression I’m getting. This line caught me: “I don’t want him sleeping till noon while I would love to do the same but instead work to earn the income to support us both–because that is a path to resentment.” That doesn’t sound like a logistics problem.

            I’m just asking what’s behind that idea, what feelings are coming up around too much idle time or too much fun. My intent is not to argue with the OP, but to gently challenge her to keep unpacking this. (I’ve taken years off and the massive perk of not working is to have more relaxation and fun! So obviously I’m biased.)

            My partner gets up earlier than I do. But since I sleep more, we still go to bed at the same time. It probably works because he has his own bathroom and his clothes are in the spare bedroom. We couldn’t make it work if he had to get ready in the room with me while I’m still trying to sleep. (I also couldn’t make it work getting up at 5:30a with him, so I don’t know what we’d do!)

    9. Washi*

      One thing to maybe be prepared for, depending on his personality, is him not loving this arrangement as much as you both think he will/should. It’s not quite the same, but I recently left my job to be a full time student, and I have a couple days a week where I’m just at home by myself all day. It is nice to not have to go to anywhere, especially since I have several evening classes on the other days, but I thought that as an introvert I would LOVE those days, and I just…don’t. Even though I’m usually pretty productive with school and chores, I often get very lonely and can’t wait for my husband to get home.

      How will you feel if you’re working hard and your spouse isn’t enjoying not having to work? What might it feel like to have him complain about being bored or lonely to you? How would you want him to handle those feelings?

      I’m looking for part time, low-wage jobs right now, just because I need to get out of the house!

    10. Maya Elena*

      I think an important thing for him to be, for his own self-esteem and your attraction to him, is to not appear passive. That means being clean, structured, pro-active in all things in-shape. It probably means cooking really well and studying up to eventually go back to work, because it seems like a difficult thing to sustain, especially if you guys have no kids.

    11. KayEss*

      My husband and I briefly considered an arrangement like this when we moved (for my job) and it was unclear whether his job was worth the new commute. We didn’t figure out everything in detail because he wound up keeping his job, but one big thing we agreed on was that he’d have to find some kind of volunteer or other activity that took him out of the house at least 3 days a week, ideally during the hours he would previously have been working.

      1. Figgie*

        Retired now and my spouse is still choosing to work. My job at home is to do everything so that all my spouse has to do is go to work and come home. No chores or responsibilities for him other than working.

        This means I do the cleaning, cooking, shopping, organizing, tracking finances, planning vacations and dealing with everything from scheduling appointments to making sure that anything else is followed up on. He absolutely loves not having to think about any home stuff at all. :)

        Of course, I’ve told him we will be renegotiating this when he finally decides to retire. :)

  77. Beatrice*

    I have almost 5 jars of dehydrated mini marshmallows in my cupboard. I bought them for gifts but wound up not being able to gift them. I thought I’d use them, and I opened one jar and have used them in small amounts twice in nearly a year. All I can think to use them for is in hot chocolate or as a cereal topping. Does anyone have any other ideas for good uses for them? I can try to incorporate them into xmas gifts this year somehow, but anything I can give them with (hot chocolate packs, a mug) feels pretty impersonal and my impersonal gift recipients are all in one group where I need to gift everyone the same thing, and there are 10 of them this year…the hot chocolate gift is unsuitable for some of them and out of my budget for that many people anyway.

    1. Parenthetically*

      I found a couple recipes for “hot cocoa cookies” that use those marshmallows! That seems pretty inexpensive and a good way to use them all up, especially with holiday baking.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Put them in cookies, maybe, or Rice Krispie treats or similar? Then give those out as part of your impersonal gifting.

    4. Lady Kelvin*

      Rice crispy treats
      Our fudge recipe uses marshmallows
      Smores cookies or brownies or cheesecake
      I’ve even seen “rice crispies” made with golden grahams, choco chips and mini marshmallows

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This time of year you can get pumpkin spice marshmallows. “Rice Krispie” treats made with those and Cinnamon Toast Crunch are scary good. Heh.

    5. curly sue*

      … we used a bag of stale ones as ammunition for my kids’ mini-catapults. That may not be a generally-applicable option if you and/or loved ones aren’t into simulated siege warfare.

  78. Laura H.*

    So excited for my annual English Major tradition of getting to see the Actors From the London Stage tonight on their tour. Twelfth Night. Woo Shakespeare!!

    1. Nessun*

      Oooh that sounds lovely! I haven’t seen live Shakespeare in years, and Twelfth Night is my favorite. I hope you have a wonderful time!!

    1. Lena Clare*

      Barrel roll & The wizard of oz (and click on the red slippers, then click on the tornado) are also fun!

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Type “Thanos” then click the gauntlet at right and watch what happens. Click again to undo. :) #nerd

  80. Rebecca*

    I tried Walmart’s grocery pickup option, and I have to say, what a time saver. I was able to pick up prescriptions and get my flu shot at the grocery store pharmacy nearby, bought a few things in there, drove over to Walmart, checked in on the app, they brought my stuff, I did some banking inside, and I was back home in about an hour. The grocery store in question has the option, too. Their prices keep getting higher, though. I can’t afford to shop there full time. Like hummus, I’m too lazy to make my own most of the time, so I pay $1.82 at Walmart for 1o oz and it’s $3.00 at the grocery store next door for store brand. Local dairy’s chocolate milk, $2.19 at Walmart for 1/2 gallon, $2.89 at grocery. Arnold’s whole grain bread is $2.97 at Walmart and $3.99 at the grocery. Mixed greens – $3.43 for 11 oz at Walmart and $3.99 for 5 oz at grocery store. You get the picture.

    I was so excited to see a mama bear and 2 cubs while walking the other evening, the first bear sightings of the year for me! I stood still, she shepherded the not so little ones across the road, and they all went on their merry way. Game cam pictures this week yielded a ton of deer (or apple thieves), a coyote, and a fox. No bears or turkeys yet.

    Mom signed up for the senior transportation service this week. After the person who signed her up left the house, Mom peppered me with questions. How am I going to get out of the house? Who is going to help me? How long will I have to ride? I have a weak bladder! How long will I have to wait to get back here? I said, did you ask the person who was just here about this? No, I didn’t think of it. OK, then call tomorrow, and ask. But I have therapy so early in the morning!! Which I learned was 9:30 AM, and she already arranged a ride on her own. Well, call after therapy. “I have so many things to do, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it all…” and she shuffled away. Sighs. And she complains about the dining room table, that she has completely covered with statements, mail, papers of all sorts – it’s just getting worse and worse she mumbled. I asked her if I could help…no, I need to do things MY WAY. OK then.

    Basically, nothing has changed, and it won’t change. Mom keeps saying “I want out of here, I have to get out of here, I want to leave, etc. ” but…in order to do that, she needs to decide where she wants to go, go there, visit, get information, talk to people, and it isn’t happening. To be clear: I have offered over and over again to help her look, get information, etc. but she insists that she must do it herself. So I have backed off, am here for whatever support I can provide, and that’s it. And I’m calling her out when she’s nasty to me, which is frequent. She’s like a toddler who’s angry because she has to wear shoes. None of it makes sense. And I’m concerned because one of her friends told me that when she talks to Mom on the phone, she simply stops talking sometimes, and is very quiet, to the point where friend asks, are you still there, and Mom acts like she didn’t stop talking at all. It’s very strange.

    So, I guess I’ll enjoy the warm weather while it lasts, and start to plan my moving forward. Hoping to get another vehicle sold in the next two weeks.

    1. Eva and Me*

      You do such a great job with your Mom, which I hope you know — I’ve been reading along for awhile. It sounds like your Mom is aware things are spiraling down for her, and she’s very afraid — of losing control, of not understanding all she needs to, and even of losing you. I know it probably doesn’t seem that way with her nitpicky, irrational, sometimes mean attitude towards you, but her fear makes her behavior irrational in ways others can’t understand. You have a lot of patience and kindness.
      I volunteer visiting with homebound elderly, and people who were once independent and self-sufficient let their fear of the unknown paralyze them, even as their bodies, minds, and situations get worse. My latest senior has finally ended up in a nursing home, now, and I know she hoped she’d pass away in her sleep before that would be necessary, and despite my urging her to make certain decisions for herself before they got made for her. However, because I’m not family, she’s always nice to me :) I’m not sure the same can always be said for her family, though.

    2. Ali G*

      So funny – I am sitting here deciding whether I am going to go to the “good” grocery store tomorrow, or just schedule a pickup at the “fine” store near my house. I think I want enough produce and other perishables that I am going to go to the better store. But man, I wish I could just get up and take the car 5 minutes away and have someone fill my car for me.
      You mom. Well. She’s better, which is great! But yeah, she’s probably always going to be difficult, but you know that.

    3. LuckySophia*

      Rebecca, I’m always happy to see your updates. It sounds like you really have a handle on things, even though some of those “things” involve you dealing with someone who is Not.Using.Logic. I have to grin a little at some of the illogic — I saw some of the same from a Dear Elderly Relative (DER) that I used to visit in my old stomping grounds of North Central PA. Such as, one afternoon when we were just sitting there, chatting:

      DER: Oh, I HAVE to get some new clothes; I look so shabby! (She did not.) I haven’t been shopping in so long! None of my outfits look decent any more.
      Me: That outfit is lovely on you, but if you’d like to go shopping, that would be fun! I can drive us over to (store) or (other store) or wherever you want. Shall we get ready and go now?
      DER: Oh…..(long pause)…..oh, no, I guess I won’t go right now. I guess I’m not ready to go shopping today.
      Me: …Oh….OK….???

      I think a lot of your mom’s anger/nasty words stem from her own frustration with herself: there’s something
      she knows she wants/wants to accomplish, but is frustrated because she also recognizes that she lacks the capability (either physical capability, or “executive function”, or both) to get the thing done on her own. So that makes her feel disempowered and then she lashes out. At you. Cause you’re there. That’s what I suspect, anyway, based on direct personal observation of another “Elder” who could flip from “normal ornery” to “downright nasty” in a nanosecond.

      None of that armchair analysis makes it any easier for you to deal with it, though. But it sounds like you have the right perspective/right strategy in place for addressing things at this stage. And if your mom’s cognition declines further, I’s sure you’ll have an army of AAM supporters ready to offer encouragement and advice.

    4. Southern Metalsmith*

      Rebecca, I’m sending lots of virtual hugs and sympathy for what you are going through with your mom. Taking care of our aging and invalid parents is HARD – and mine were cooperative! I hope you are finding posting here helpful because plenty of us are here pulling for you.

      And bear cubs! Now that’s something I’m glad to go ‘Awww’ over – from a safe distance. :)

    5. KL*

      I was just thinking about how grocery prices have gone up by at least a dollar at my local store. And it’s the meh store, not the slightly better quality one. There’s no walmart nearby however, so my options are limited :(

    6. WS*

      Absence seizures are a thing in elderly people – the person just spaces out for a second or a minute and doesn’t notice. My grandfather (who was otherwise very healthy, just old) started to develop them in his 80s. Since he was no longer driving or cooking alone, it wasn’t a big deal, so we just waited it out when he had one while we talked to him. They never got worse but didn’t get better either.

    7. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I came tonight just to read your update. Sending you mega hugs.
      You won’t get the appreciation you deserve from your mom, but know we recognize the awesome job you are doing.
      You might have to do the research yourself, and narrow it down to 2, and then just start leaving the brochures around. (and give a copy of the analysis to her friend). She will never thank you, admit it is a good idea, and may perhaps hate it. But… knowledge is power. If you know what the choices are, you will have words to say. (Mine go like this…. “Mom, you know, when you can’t walk any more, you will have to go into assisted living…” at first, she was against it. Now, she is beginning to admit she will need to go, it is just when…) But when she said she couldn’t afford it, I had the counter argument. When she said “oh, but then I can’t… ” I knew the truth and could counter that. Not argumentatively, just… truthfully.
      One of my mom’s friends – 60 years – slipped quietly away this morning. One week in the nursing home, but she was able to live on her own right up to the end. But this is the second of her close friends to die in this year, so … it’s becoming very real to her.
      Hug, I am rooting for you.

    8. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Rebecca, I love that you are calling her out when she gets nasty. I love that you have her ask for something rather than hint and sigh. Most of all, I love that you can find a nugget of something good in your days and have a plan. Hope you have a great week!

    9. b*

      You are doing wonderful work for your mom. I have been casually following your family story and have so much empathy for you. When my in laws were in their later years( dementia and parkinsons ) a great gift they gave us was power of attorney before their conditions rendered them incapable of taking care of their needs. It happens so much sooner than you think. I hope your mom has this in place for your sake.

    10. tangerineRose*

      It sounds like she really needs to go to an assisted care center, and you need to get your life back. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

  81. Roz Doyle*

    Hi all, just wanted to say thanks to everyone who gave me advice about my friends John and Jane possibly setting me up with John’s brother, Ben. You were all spot on, people are pussyfooting around the issue. I’ll bring it up with Jane this week, better closer to the karaoke night. I did send her the text “oh, hope there will be cute single guys at karaoke my age” and that went over well. But still, better to clarify that Ben and I will NEVER happen.
    Have a nice weekend :)

    1. Betty Wight*

      Worst: I had a terrible stomach flu this week which left me incapacitated and miserable for two solid days.
      Best: It’s the weekend now, and I’m sitting outside with my beloved dog and a drink planning a trip to an art festival!

    2. Jaid*

      Best: Using up the food in my fridge/getting my cook on.

      Worst: My fan at work and my bedside fans crapping out.

    3. Ali G*

      BEST: Having an alone weekend while Hubs is out of town with friends

      WORST: The last step in our home renovation was wallpaper in the dining room. I think I hate it.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Oh, fiddlesticks, I had one of these all thought up in my head yesterday and it’s just left me.

      Best: ?

      Worst: Potty-training. Still. Forever. And the HEAT, ye gods, it has been filthy and I’m despairing of ever being able to wear a sweater again. And football season is over (Aussie rules football).

      I swear I had a generally really good week!

    5. Me--Blargh!*

      BEST: We lowered the price on my house by $1000 and are starting to get some lookie-loos again.

      WORST: We lowered the price on my house. :P I despair of ever selling this thing. Yes, it needs work. No I have no money to do it myself. I don’t want people tromping through my house who can’t spend the money to fix it. Waste of my time and theirs.

      Relative said if I got a job elsewhere, she would pay for me to move and I could pay her back when I sell, but I don’t want to do that. Plus, nobody is responding to me. Well, one person called about a different job than the one I applied for, but it was an EA job that required “expert level” Excel. I guess I will never work again.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Microsoft has really good free online training for Excel. Become an expert!

        Then, when an interviewer asks about your Excel skills, you can burble about waterfall graphs or using conditional formatting for data validation or something else exciting you were just reading about. Macro buttons for customized pivot tables seem to impress people beyond reason. VBA programming is like some arcane magic to the uninitiated. And you can learn it all in the tutorials.

        Caveat: it’s been easily four years since I did the training. I hope it’s still there.

    6. Gatomon*

      Best: It’s the weekend! These last few weeks have been miserable at work and I am out of strength to hold in the bad attitude.

      Worst: It is supposed to start snowing overnight.

      1. Ruffingit*

        I relate SO much to your best. Being out of the strength to hold in the bad attitude has been an ongoing thing for me every single Friday.

    7. wingmaster*

      Best: Having drinks with my mom yesterday and then dinner with my boyfriend.

      Worst: sewing some appliques on a shirt but completely f##cking up the satin stitching to where I need to buy a new shirt and cut out another set of appliques. Its almost midnight here, so I’ll start over tomorrow..

    8. Chaordic One*

      Best: Nothing too terrible happened this week. The weather is cooling down.

      Worst: My car has started leaking oil everywhere I park. My sister has pointed out that it started after I had the oil changed and I think that they must have done something to the oil plug in the bottom of the engine when they unscrewed it to drain out the old motor oil. (Like stripped the threads or something.) I’ve been checking the oil every day and it really doesn’t seem to be going down all that much and not very fast, but it sure seems to leave big puddles everywhere I go. I’m going to the repair shop on Monday. Not the one that changed oil, though.

    9. Krista*

      Worst: The A/C stopped working on Tuesday. (I live in Houston.) Also, I interviewed with a non-profit, JOCRF, and was really excited about the opportunity. I was informed my graphoria score wasn’t high enough to be considered for the position.

      Best: We bought a window a/c unit for the bedroom on Friday

    10. Aurora Leigh*

      BEST: Lovely wedding yesterday for 2 of fiance’s dear friends that have been together for over 9 years. It was really beautiful and touchimg and I cried even though I don’t know them that well.

      WORST: He was a groomsman, so we arrived 3 hours early for pictures (that started 1 hour late) and it was about 85 degrees out and there were so many mosquitos and other biting bugs at the park! But — at least I didn’t have to wear a 3 piece suit!

    11. Mimmy*

      Best: A near-perfect first-month internship evaluation is in the books! Just a couple of minor things to work on, but being off to such a great start is such a confidence-booster.

      Worst: Forgot about my psych appointment on Thursday despite a couple of pop-up calendar reminders during the week. I didn’t even get the phone call from the doctor looking for me because our phone wasn’t working properly. Tried calling him back to reschedule but had to leave a voice mail, now the ball is in his court. Ugh, I’ll probably have to pay for a missed appointment *facepalm*

    12. Ms. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Worst: having lived through 3 straight weeks of health issues (tooth/severe jaw sinusitis pain, postnasal drip, dry eye, tennis elbow).

      Best: closing on a house tomorrow *knock on wood*, trip to lake house this weekend at the NY/Canadian border

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Best : Planned ahead and prepped plants for a cold snap on a glorious, WARM afternoon.
      Worst : Did not plan ahead for completing my 2018 taxes and now extension-end is imminent. I feel like an idjit.

  83. Ali G*

    Immersion blenders – I need a new one. The motor in my Cuisinart stopped charging and it’s out of warranty and they want like $120 for a new motor. I think I can get a new one for less? Anyone have an immersion blender you really like that has lasted a while? I can’t make my famous mushroom soup for Thanksgiving if I don’t get a new one :)

    2. BRR*

      You can definitely get a new one for less. It looks like breville (aka very high end) is only $86 on amazon. I have a KOIOS That has held up well but I don’t use it often or for anything vigorous.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I like my Breville immersion blender. Works like a charm, easy to clean, and came with some nice extras. Breville is on the expensive side for sure, but everything I’ve bought from them has been top notch.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I have the Cuisinart one (currently about $150) and a Kitchenaid one (about $50) in different locations. While I like the Cuisinart slightly better, I certainly don’t like it one hundred dollars better.

      I do like the hand blenders that have a whisk attachment, which both of these do. I use it for anything that needs to be “whisked constantly” in a double boiler, and also for polenta.

    6. Blue_eyes*

      I have a low-end Cuisinart one – search for “Cuisinart Smart Stick 200 Watt”. It’s currently $35 on Amazon. I’ve had mine for about 8 years. I think it may be about to give up the ghost, but that’s a pretty good run for such an inexpensive appliance.

  84. Goldfinch*

    Can any cat owners recommend a small pill shooter for a very petite cat?

    Just found out that I will need to give my 8-pound-cat daily pills for life. The giant piller they gave me is like trying to shoot a quail with an Uzi. I can’t wrestle her little jaw open while balancing this stupid foot-long tool.

    I’ve been shopping online, but the photos have no context and no measurements.

    1. Animal worker*

      I can’t speak to your specific question, and I know you’ll need something like this as an interim solution. I’d highly recommend you work on training her to take the pills as the long-term strategy. It’ll make her life, and yours, a lot better to make this a pleasant activity versus a daily wrestling match.

      Find out whether or not the pill can be crushed or not – if so you could use a mortar and pestle to crush it and put it in a favored gravy/broth type food. If it needs to stay whole, getting her used to allowing you to put it in her mouth, having her swallow, then rewarding her with a high value food is a training strategy that works well with most animals.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I went through this with Lucy — at one point I had to give her five pills a day. Have you tried Pill Pockets? They make it amazingly easier if she’ll eat them. The other option I’d recommend is to ask your vet if the medicine can be compounded into another form. I was able to have her medicine made into treats, which helped for a long time. Then she stopped eating those and I was able to have it made into a topical gel that I applied to her ear — way easier than giving pills. (In fact, I think I only knew to ask about that gel because someone here mentioned it!)

      1. Worked in IT forever*

        I second the topical gel option, if it is available for the drug your cat needs. We used gel for two of our cats. We were told to squirt it onto the skin inside the ear, where the drug would be absorbed best. We had to clean the ear with a wet tissue every so often to remove buildup. The whole process was pretty easy.

    3. Eva and Me*

      Not to add to your complications, but you likely also need to make sure she fully swallows the pill and it doesn’t sit in her throat, which can cause problems. There are gel caps you can insert pills into which can help them go all the way down. You can also coat them in butter. I always follow a pill with a few ccs of water; lucky for me (?) my cat is used to the whole shebang. Or if you can be sure your car will eat afterwards, that will help. I hope your vet can help you with all of this — there can be different formulations and they can sometimes be compounded into something more palatable/easy to administer. Oh, and one medication my cat gets is designed to be a melt-in-the mouth tablet, so I never worry about that one!

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Other options: ask if the meds can be a liquid or other form. Or if the pill can be ground and put into wet food. When you’re looking at daily medication for the long term, choose the path of least resistance.

      My Sibley didn’t pill well, but liquids went much better. The foster kitty apparently is just terrible across the board, so they gave me a pill grinder and told me to put it in the wet food. No idea what I’ll do if Arwen needs daily meds, she’s pretty terrible overall.

    5. WS*

      My cat was tiny – seven pounds at the heaviest, four pounds when she passed away – and we had to dose her daily for seven years. Unfortunately she was very smart and hated pills. Pill pockets or hidden in food, she just ate around. Disguised powder she just wouldn’t touch at all. Whole tablets worked for about a month, then she learned to throw them up again before they hit her stomach! So the only way we managed to dose her was to crush the pills, wrap her in a towel, tip her head right back then tip them in her throat from a wide McDonalds straw. Once we got that routine down, she was much less angry about it because it was over so quickly.

    6. Inefficient Cat Herder*

      Have you tried pill pockets? Or I have a friend whose cat was hyperthyroid and she used cheese molded around the pills and the cat would BEG for her pills!

  85. Siege*

    Anyone have any recommendations for a a roommate finding app or site? I’ve looked at roomster, rooms, and Zillow but everything has terrible reviews and is prone to scams.

    1. honoria*

      Ooh, I would like to know this as well. I adore my current roommate and hope he stays forever, but I would love to hear about alternatives to Craigslist for the future.

    2. Poppy*

      Honestly Craigslist is the best bet if you’re in a city. Filter on the housing wanted/shared housing side and you’ll generally do well.
      Lots of cities have a City X housing/roommate/etc Facebook group you could try too but those are much more prone to flaky people.

      1. Katefish*

        +1 I was surprised by the high quality of short term roommates on Craigslist in a pinch. Not everyone on there, of course, but enough.

      2. WellRed*

        I’ve used Craig’s for years for roommates. Just make sure you take time to screen candidates and interview them like it’s your job.

    3. Username required*

      I haven’t used them and have no connection but just saw this website listed in Guardian newspaper at the bottom of restaurant review of all places. Looks like they have good trustpilot reviews. Spareroom.com

  86. MsChanandlerBong*

    Please send good vibes for my kitty, Chewbacca. He has been fighting an ear infection for a couple of months; we keep treating it, and it keeps coming back. More concerning is that he has lost a pound in about six weeks. We spent an exorbitant (i.e. more than a month’s worth of rent) on blood, urine, and fecal tests, and the vet said they all came back perfect. No thyroid issues, no diabetes, no decline in liver or kidney function. The only abnormality she noted is that his X-ray showed his liver and spleen are slightly enlarged, but he was sedated at the time, and the vet said sedation can also cause spleen enlargement. He is doing better with the ear infection (the vet thinks it’s pseudomonas, which is extremely resistant, which is why this is the third time he’s been on antibiotics for it), and we started him on Duralactin to treat the arthritis in his spine. He is due for a re-check on October 8, so we’re going to check his weight again. I am hoping he gained some back or at least didn’t lose any more…he’s my bestest kitty friend.

    1. Southern Metalsmith*

      Georgia and Gracie sending virtual head licks and kitty cuddles to Chewbacca. We have our fingers (and beans) crossed that y’all will knock the infection out this time ’round!

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Hope he does better!

      Can you give him more food, or different food to help him gain weight? I’m specifically thinking of kitten food, it’s higher calorie, and if he can tolerate it digestively and likes it, it’ll help him get more calories.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        We just bought several types of canned food to see which one he likes best. The arthritis medicine they gave him comes in a powder, and we tried putting it on top of dry food that had been moistened with chicken broth–that didn’t fly. Today we tried “chicken loaf” formulated for senior cats, and he licked up every last bite. I’ve never seen him eat so much in one sitting! So my hope is that the canned food will help him gain some weight. He seems to be feeling better today. After we had him at the vet on Tues, he was isolating himself under the bed. He only came out to eat and use the bathroom. When he came out on Thursday, he was wobbling a bit, and he was hissing and growling at thin air. Today, it’s like he’s a new cat. He spent time in the living room with us, he ate all of his canned food, etc. I hope that means he’s on the mend.

        1. Trixie*

          Trying different wet foods is a great first step. My 16 year old senior cat was eating plenty of Fancy Feast but never gaining weight. I tried Blue Wilderness and he loves it as as much as Fresh Pet chicken and beef roll/loaf. All three are higher calorie and while he loves them, I also will mix in FF once in a while.
          Fingers crossed for your kitty’s next appointment, I know exactly how nerve racking it can be.

          1. I'm A Little Teapot*

            If all else fails, try Kitty Crack, aka, pureed meat baby food. chicken is especially popular, but just depends on the cat.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Kitty hugs. Dog mom here, but when my beloved elderly one was struggling, there’s a special food that has an appetite stimulant of some kind. (Hills vet). It brought back some semblance of appetite when we feared her weight loss was irreversible. But I don’t know if they make a version for cats. It was miraculous.

    5. My Brain Is Exploding*

      There is a super high calorie food that we got from the vet when our dog wasn’t eating well. They must have it for cats.

    6. cat socks*

      Sending lots of hugs and purrs your way. Has he had an ultrasound to check for any bowel issues like inflammatory bowel disease? Outside of kidney and thyroid issues, that could be a reason for weight loss. If he has a decreased appetite, Mirtazapine is an effective appetite stimulant for cats. It comes in a pill or gel for the ear.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        That is our next step. If he weighs less at his re-check on 10/8, the vet wants to do an ultrasound. His liver and spleen were enlarged on X-ray, which she said could indicate an infiltrative disease (even though his liver function blood tests were normal). He is actually eating more than we’ve ever seen him eat, so I don’t know that appetite is an issue. He’s very excited about the canned food, which he has never had before.

    7. Vincaminor*

      Many gentle pets for Chewbacca from me and the kitties, and especial sympathy from Barton the hound, who has a chronic ear infection.

      FWIW: obviously you want to get rid of it if you can — but Barton’s is also antibiotic resistant, and what we ended up with is a low daily dose of steroids so his ears don’t hurt him. Yes, it’s hard on his liver, and your weighting of this will depend on how old Chewbacca is (Barton is eight), but I decided I’d rather have him in my life for a little less time and happy for all of it, than have him miserable for longer. Since starting the steroids this spring, he is so much more relaxed and playful and I’d swear he’s three years younger. (Also, any arthritis he had starting? No longer bothering him even a little!) So if you can’t kick it out, maybe the symptoms can be managed so you and Chewbacca can have lots of good purrs together still.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Chewbacca is about 11, and he has arthritis in his spine, as well as a herniated disk. He has also started peeing outside the box, which we thought might be due to the arthritis. We got a litter box with less of a step to get inside, but he’s still peeing on the carpet (in the same room as the litter box, just not IN the box). He had no urinary crystals or stones, his pee sample didn’t show any infection, etc., so we don’t know why this is happening. The vet thought maybe he had arthritis in his back end, but it turns out it’s all up by his shoulders, so she’s not sure the peeing is due to the arthritis, either. I have five cats, and I love them all, but Chewbacca is special. I know I sound nuts, but I am convinced that he has a pure soul–his eyes are just so soulful, and he’s so cute and sweet. We took him in as a stray when he was about six years old, so we haven’t had that long with him. I love rescuing cats, but it always ends up hurting terribly when you lose them after only a few years. We took in another cat in 2011, and he only lived for 14 months after that. I’m getting kittens from now on–at least I’ll have a better chance of loving them for a long time!

  87. KL*

    As if I wasn’t awkward enough, I accidentally hugged someone today. Sigh. Excuse me while I dramatically throw myself on the sofa and wallow in mortification for a bit.

    1. YetAnotherUsername*

      I accidentally kissed my PhD examiner on the mouth!

      He was European and we were doing the whole cheek-kiss thing (which I’m not used to), and I went the wrong way!

      So trust me you are not alone in doing thibgs like that.

    2. Ismis*

      It was (obviously) months ago now, but I had these clip-on Christmas baubles and was attaching them to a friend’s jumper when I dropped one. I just went for it reflexively… and 100% cupped him. Neither of us spoke (or moved) for what felt like hours – just stared at each other in horror.

      Now I wish I had a picture of his face though :D

    1. Hazy days*

      I’d love to if you’ve got your book ready – I think the other person interested was having difficulties sourcing a copy.

      Are you ready to get going this week with Week 1? Do you have your exercise book ready for morning pages?

        1. Hazy days*

          Fabulous! I’m really excited to begin our group!

          Since we’ve both done some of it before, shall we agree to dive straight in tonight with Week 1?
          This means:
          – Sign the artists contract
          – Read Week 1 chapter
          – pick some Week 1 tasks to do
          – do MPs
          – do Artists Date
          – get ready to reflect and share your experience next weekend

          Anyone else is welcome to join in! To get started, buy or download Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, and read through the introduction before beginning

          1. Naomi*

            I’ve done The Artist’s Way before and loved it–I’m now working through the follow-up book, Walking in This World. Good luck!

  89. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

    Big decluttering day here. The winds have picked up, and the potential for the storage tents to go down in the storms (and rain to get in) have finally kicked me in gear.

    IN May, my plan was to spend weekends this summer cleaning out more of the husband’s left-behind hoard… but I worked so many hours (sorry to mention) that I was even working on Friday nights and part of Sunday, and slept / did laundry and basics the few hours I wasn’t working.

    So I got pretty far behind my schedule… then got a bit depressed. The first anniversary of his death, burnout from you know where, and the feeling of never getting on top of the junk… it weighed on me.

    But I worked on more sleep, got help (at that place), did my big presentation on Tuesday, and now – got lots done. I finally gave up and started just posting things for free to Craigslist. (Focus on the bulky items from the garage, so I could put the things I need to save from the rain, inside if the tents rip). A nice guy showed up this evening, to take the one freebie, got to talking, and I offered him all the scrap metal, copper, aluminum, car parts, and light fixtures. (I had already spent 4 hours hauling or pushing it all from the 3 locations to my driveway, then was stood up by the person who was suppose to get it!).

    He took a trailer full and is coming back for more tomorrow. I also (hopefully) am getting rid of 12 cases of commercial truck oil and air filters (new in box, just… dusty). And 5 cases of those long-tube light bulbs… sigh.

    On the other hand, it also took me over an hour, to rig heavy duty tarps over the torn area of the one costco garage tent roof that did tear (hard to do when you have to run from side to side and up and down ladders by yourself to bungee cord/ rope rig, zip tie and adjust a set of tarps so that high winds won’t pull them off). But.. done. I refuse to buy one more, and it only has to make it maybe a month before it’s all gone.

    Weary, but happy. Significant progress was made. Every muscle aches, but… it was a good day.

    3. Rebecca*

      Wow, you got a lot done! And there’s no timetable, just do things when you can. It’s tough. I found a scrap guy, too, put a big dent in metal stored outside here, it makes a big difference.

      Keep going, and give yourself a lot of credit, you deserve it! And a good rest!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        There are a couple of scrap guys that drive through my neigborhood every week and I love it. My husband keeps a bin and tosses in anything metal, or containing metal, that he doesn’t want as he’s cleaning out the garage. Then he puts it on the curb and it magically disappears in a few days. Now, if only NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser can inspire my husband to kick up his garage-cleaning effort! :) (He’s been “cleaning and organizing” for five years…)

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Yeah, I found a dish receiver from 2002 in the garage. Pretty sure they don’t want it back (the manual tells how to hook your VCR to it!). I set it out on the recycling bin one night… someone lifted it (thank you).

          So “some” stuff will disappear. But the dish thing – they pulled out the receiver and left the box, packing, and manual, strewn over the neighbor’s yard (I picked it up). So I try to put out things I “think” they will want, and then give free online anything they don’t take… and then haul it to the dump myself if that doesn’t fly.

          I no longer have a truck here, so I’m limited in my disposal. So happy to find a metal guy! I’m keeping his number. I have a huge lot of auto parts (some new in boxes, so I just have to decide how to handle that.). One thing at a time!

          Thank yo

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        Rebecca, you are an inspiration too – I know you are selling cars and still sorting out too… fist bump! Thanks!

    4. Breast Solidarity*

      Congratulations on pushing through!

      Grief is so paralyzing, you need to give yourself credit for how much progress you have made in just the first year.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Mine is complicated, as the financial lies came out afterwards, and really tainted the love.
        But… grief runs under it. I think the complication has really contributed to the depression.
        thank you – it does help.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Applause, applause, well done.
      I probably got through maybe 60-70% of his stuff before I decided, “I. can’t. do. this.” I let it slide for a few years and then went back to it. By then I had a fair idea of the things I was using and the things I needed. It was different when I went back to it. I think in part because I had re-set some of my life and I had found some “new normals”.

      But it can be quite emotional for a number of reasons. One my more frivolous (stupid?) reasons for getting emotional was that I kept wondering, “How did I get to be this old and not learn what this item here is?”

      You’re building a new chapter in life for yourself. All this hard work will pay off in the long run and you will always be glad that you got it done. I hope you give yourself a treat like a time out with loved ones or curl up with a good book, whatever feels good to you.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Well, I actually got up and did a 7 am (Pilates reformer) and an 8 am (balance and trigger point release) exercise class before church.

        This afternoon… four more pickups (I hope)… the guy coming back for more – all those cases of light bulbs and fixtures today (from last night); sold a scansnap color/ bundle scanner; selling a table saw stand and blades (long since sold the saw)… and in theory, the oil filters and fuel filters (10? cases of them) are going, as well. Mostly giving stuff away but every once in awhile I’ll renew an ad from my original listings last year, and so a few things are trickling away in sales.

        Nap after the pickups and a possible costco run. I am out of the WET dog food. I am unpopular.

        I do need some physical help with the one metal cabinet I want to keep (it has a good padlock hasp on it, so if I ever rent out the garage, I can lock my personal tools in it). I think I can carry the 20+ sheets of specialty cherry paneling, a bit at time. (a family member wants it, I just need to keep it warp-free and dry) But maybe not today. I am bone weary. I might ask the guy taking the lights to help me with the cabinet… then I’d be down to just things I can move myself (slowly). Then the last of the racking, some file cabinets, and a few random items – and the big tent is empty.

        I have to buy a blade for the grinder. The big tent – a 20×30 (party size/ wedding size) storage tent is fastened into the concrete (some sort of industrial fasteners). I have feeling that to take that down, I’ll have to grind off the fastener heads. (Safety glasses, I have… used up the extra grinder blades getting the lumber rack off the dually crew cab 4×4… sigh).

        One thing at a time. I appreciate the praise and learning to pace myself is one of the things I do not do well. I just want this part over. Once the tents are empty and down, the remainder of the stuff (Barn/loft/garage)…is safe and dry, and can wait be spaced out. (and I won’t get chilled working on it outside). Here’s to hoping that the landlord’s children do not want to move in here any time soon. I still need time.

        I’m beginning to think it’s a 3 year plan to even get through it all. But great progress, never the less.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Used up the grinder blades taking the lumber rack off????
          I am so impressed, I would not even attempt that one.

          Your place will look better and feel better with those tents gone. Three years sounds really reasonable to me. What I like about it is that you can divide it into sections and each year you do a finite amount. I know I got to feel like I was going to perpetually get rid of stuff here and that got depressing. Once I went back to it, I set limits as to how much area I would cover in a given day. So I would do just a closet or just some plastic totes.

          In a way it was good that I did not finish. Some of the stuff was accepted in a barter to pay for leaky faucet repairs or whatever. So even when I was not working on it, I still got rid of some stuff that way.

        2. Anono-me*

          I got tired just reading the post. You are moving mountains.

          If this metal guy entrepreneur continues to make a good impression on you, could you work out some sort of a barter for labor and items deal?

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            Well, actually – I did hit it off, and we just spent another 5 hours working on the tents today! I traded him the parts washer (a very nice one) and a lovely, rolling parts sorter bin system, plus the beige tent itself (and some cash). In exchange, he took EVERYTHING out of the beige tent. A very few things went in the garage. The wooden “tables/shelves” (built out of 2x4s and MDF), into the white tent. The good stuff, into his trailer. The dump run, carefully stacked by the gate for tomorrow. So 60% of “it needs to go” left today. 25% will go to the dump tomorrow. And I have a gardening club at the local school who gets first crack at the tables (just the right height for kids to learn to do seedlings… this is the same place that all the industrial truck tires went for planters). The remaining tables I’ll sell or donate to a charity (some of my shelving went to a rescue organization already).

            There’s a possibility he will be able to take the two junker cars and related parts (I have enough extra parts for almost a second camry). If that happens… I’m almost done with the tents. And then the garage and loft can wait. Woo hoo!

            But I never did get the nap, or the wet dog food. I am unpopular!

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      I am trying very hard to keep things out of landfills. I liked the guy (who took the trailer full last night and is coming back for more today), because he is a no-landfill person too.

      I found out that one of the place I had donated some books to, just turns them into a shredder to make pulp/recycle.

      That’s not what I have in mind.

      I gave a lot of tools to a non-profit that helps guys newly out of prison. And a huge batch of ladders, hammers, saws… are on their way to Baja for helping to empower a community there.

      I have a lot more of those to go, but need to make room to work in there by getting rid of the huge junk!
      Thanks for the wonderful link!!!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I believe that nation-wide we are shredding books. This is what happens to books that go to our county recycling center. Small to no consolation, really. A while ago, I noticed people dumping antique farm tools into metal recycling. What are we doing.

        I did have the lucky happenstance of stopping for gas one day and I noticed a truck with a load of electronics of all types. So I (uncharacteristically) asked if he would pick up stuff and what kind of stuff. He took anything. (Oh LUCKY Day, Lucky Day.) I took his number and called him a couple months later. It took me that long to gather everything. I filled the truck bed with Stuff.
        I had a friend here with me when he came…. and the electronics collector guy brought his kiddo. (awww.)

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Yes! Before the big white truck left, I filled it with 5 desktops, monitors,unwanted tvs, and much more electronic stuff (I had already sold everything – including a laser disc player! – that it was humanly possible to sell). And drove to the local electronics recycler. No cash, but gone. ROFLOL. I do have an original bose system, and a boatload of digital cameras, video cameras, and some more computers I just found. And 4 boxes of cables… so there’s another trip in my future!

  91. Sparkly Lady*

    I’m working a haunt again this year. It’s been a very up and down experience for a variety of reasons, but today was generally a really fun night.

    However, I will never understand parents who take their very small kids to a non-child oriented haunt. Why? Occasionally, one of them really is the child who is totally into it and has fun. But the majority behave exactly as you’d expect for their age and are terrified.

    It’s an awkward situation for the performers, whose job is literally to be as terrifying as they can be. But who wants to be the person who traumatized a young child?

    It also can be bad for other people in the group, who are distracted by the young child.

    1. Morning Reader*

      Age restrictions? Sometimes the children’s dept in a library where I worked does that, not because of scary events, more due to high anticipated attendance and they don’t want to give spots to ones too young to enjoy whatever performance. Not sure where to draw the line for what you describe. 7 and up? Maybe 10 or 12?

      1. Sparkly Lady*

        I’m working it. I’m not in charge, so I can’t put any kind of restriction in place. Or I would!

        The haunt does clearly state it’s not recommended for anyone under 13 and nothing about the advertising suggests a family friendly, child-oriented haunt.

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      Generally if a family type event doesn’t state clearly that it’s not suitable for young kids, people are going to assume that it’s suitable for young kids.

      Does your literature make it absolutely crystal clear that this is non-child-friendly? The fact that kids are allowed in would imply that it’s really not clear.

      1. Penny*

        It’s a haunted house. Even if it’s not listed with an age restriction, the parents must know it’s meant to be scary. Last year I volunteered at a zombie run that was specifically listed as family friendly. What that meant was that all the zombie parts were optional and us zombies were told to moan and shamble but not lunge at kids. We had plenty of parents walk up to the zombie area with their kids, the kids would at at us, and quickly backtrack the other way. But of the kids who came through, the parents brought them in to be scared.

        Honestly, I have no sympathy for people who bring kids to scary Halloween events and I say that as a kid who was once scared out of her wits! My dad took me to an amusement park that was running haunted houses at night in October. In the very scene of the first haunted house, I freaked out and had to be carried through the attraction, my face hidden in my dad’s shoulder. He immediately took me home. I was a scaredy-cat as a kid and my dad was an idiot for taking me at the time.

        1. valentine*

          the parents must know it’s meant to be scary.
          Some won’t have or want to arrange/pay for childcare. Some think their kids are wimps they need to toughen up. Even with an age restriction, some parents would be willing to bet they can win the confrontation.

      2. Sparkly Lady*

        Yes, the advertising clearly states that the haunt is not recommended for children under 13. No, nothing about the advertising suggests family friendly or okay for children.

        I also wouldn’t describe a haunt as a “family type event.” Perhaps the children you’re around are generally more into terror and horror than the ones I’m around! But I think haunts are pretty clearly teen and up unless specifically described as for families. We do have some family-oriented haunts in our area (which makes the decision to attend the one I’m working even more mystifying to me. People have options!)

        1. YetAnotherUsername*

          This must be a regional thing but there are only one or two haunts in my area and they are all advertised as family friendly. I would have thought genuinely scary ones are pretty rare. But it seems thats not the case where you live.

          Is it possible the parents are getting mixed up between your haunt and the family friendly ones nearby?

          I think its really really unlikely that parents are intentionally trying to terrify their small children. I think it’s much more likely they are misunderstanding the event. How do the parents react when their kids get terrified? Unless they seem happy that the kids are terrified it is much more likely that they just don’t understand how scary it will be. And if they do seem happy that the kids are terrified then maybe a call to social services is in order!

          What I don’t understand is if it’s not suitable for kids under 13 why are kids under 13 allowed in? It sounds a lot scarier than a movie for example and there are rules against bringing kids to movies that are not suitable for them. When someone shows up with a child who is obviously underage are they challenged on that at all? Does anyone say to them “did you know this is a very scary event that is only suitable for 13 years plus?” you could even refer them to one of the family friendly haunts nearby.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      ntpasswd is a pretty good tool for resetting forgotten Windows passwords. That said, if you have BitLocker (or some other full-disk encryption) enabled, you might not be able to recover or reset your forgotten password, unless you have a separate password (that you know) for unlocking BitLocker.

    2. Agnodike*

      Take kid’s mind off them! The busier my kid is, the less she minds things like teething and minor illnesses. Distract, distract, distract, and the teeth will be through in a week.

  94. Reba*

    It sounds like you are going through something hard, and not getting the good support you need and deserve. I’m so sorry.

    Fwiw, it is surprising to me that more than one counselor has pushed religion on you–that’s definitely not standard and you should not expect to get that from every source of help. So please, don’t give up. Maybe a hotline? Best wishes to you.

    1. WellRed*

      Agreed that’s odd. Assuming they refers to therapists, where are you finding them or who is referring you to them?

  95. JT*

    My husband and I are at an impasse and I’m not sure how to get past it.

    For context, we live in a southern state, where he has lived almost his entire life. I, on the other hand, have moved around several times.

    For various, valid reasons (hurricanes, heat), my husband has decided he wants to move to a different state. He has one specific state in mind. In theory, this is great, except that we have an infant, and moving to the state he has in mind means moving somewhere neither of us know anyone and leaving behind our support system. My solution was to move to a third state that offers many of the things he’s looking for – mountains, cooler weather, less urban – and as a bonus (for me) where my family lives, which would give us a support system for baby.

    The problem is that my husband doesn’t want to move there specifically because it’s near my family; my father has a political affiliation pretty much opposite from my husband’s and my husband, a person of color, feels that he cannot live near him despite the fact that my parents have never personally made him feel like less for this.

    I told him that with an infant I cannot move somewhere without supports in place. In his mind I’m giving him an ultimatum, stating here or moving there. In my mind, it’s a compromise since I don’t mind staying here.

    We’ve gotten into several arguments about this and I don’t know how to come to a decision that we can both live with. Any advice?

    1. Can I get a Wahoo?*

      Can option 4 be putting a pause on moving for a year or two while you save up funds and get to know state #2 better? That way your kiddo is a little older and you can maybe set up some ties to state #2

      1. JT*

        My thing is that my baby’s age won’t negate the need to have people I trust and can lean and rely on to support us if/when we need it. I’m not sure how to go about making long-distance connections that way but I can look into it and see if that’s feasible.

    2. Fikly*

      I can see how it’s a compromise to you to stay where you live, but if he’s decided it’s not ok (or safe, whatever) to stay in your current state, I think it’s not a compromise to him.

      And…I understand that you may not feel that your parents have never made him feel less for being a POC, but as a minority, it’s very hard to feel this way when dealing with people who either dismiss your group as a whole, or have no problem voting for people who do, but act like they are ok with you, because it’s incredibly hypocritical. Also, have you asked him if your parents have made him feel less? He may have a different experience than you.

      1. JT*

        He admits he gets along fine with my parents when they’re around. I 100% agree with him that I don’t like my dad’s politics, but at the end of the day, they’re still my parents, and they were great parents. I understand that my experience is different from his, but I can’t not love them even if I disagree with them. And in case I didn’t articulate it well, to me the compromise is to move, not to stay.

        Ultimately, if I understand, you seem to think I should simply go with what he wants?

        1. Danae*

          I didn’t take it as saying you should simply go with what he wants, merely that going where you want cannot be a unilateral choice. If your husband is uncomfortable with moving that close to your family, then that’s not a feasible option.

          Did he ask you not to love your family? That seems like quite a leap from not wanting to live near them, and if so, there’s a much bigger problem at the heart of this issue than where you decide to live.

          I think you both need to spend time discussing this issue, identifying further options, prioritising, and making decisions together. It’s not about what he wants versus what you want. It’s about what the two of you want to build together for your family. It sounds like at the moment it’s being set up as a competition not a collaboration and that’s not healthy for your marriage.

          1. valentine*

            my parents have never personally made him feel like less for this
            they were great parents

            These are a combination of missing the point, not enough, and part of the problem. If we’re talking racism, the best description I’ve read is that fighting it is like running the opposite way on an airport conveyor belt or running up a down escalator. You have to be really making a massive effort to overcome the worldview your caregivers instilled. I hope you’ll start with anti-racist Bingo cards and some Racism 101 sites. I know a liberal married to a Republican. She thinks this is just the cutest thing and, while she admits his parents are racist, she has no qualms about breaking bread with them. She is literally giving aid and succor to the enemy. Your husband will have a literal breaking point of how much -ism he can take from your family. You might read the perspectives of transracial adoptees to see how fraught it would be to raise a child of color among just white people, especially if they’re not fighting racism on a John Brown/Freedom Rider level.

    3. BRR*

      What about a place that’s not where you live, where he wants, and where you proposed? Would it work to each add your own must haves and nice to haves to a combined list and then figure out what has those things? Basically taking a step back in the process and replace “I want to move to X” with “I want to move from Y, what are the possibilities?”

      1. JT*

        I like this idea. I fear we’ll come across the major roadblock for me, though, which is that I don’t want to move somewhere without a support system. But it’s worth a shot.

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      It seems like your husband skipped a few steps and conversations between “I don’t want to live here” and “I want to live there.” I think it would help if you could erase everything so far and to go back to the beginning and talk about what’s wrong with where you are and what you each need and together look for those things in a new place. Make lists, look at books and Top 10 articles. You both have strong arguments for and against certain places and you’ll each have to make some compromise. Hopefully, you can work together to mitigate the negatives of wherever you choose to live.

      1. Mimosa Jones*

        It isn’t easy, but you can build your own support network in a new place. Look for towns or cities with a college or university. A teaching hospital can help. Someplace that gets a lot of people coming and going. The good part is the community is used to change and there are lots of people in your situation. The downside is those people often move away once school is done. You can also look for newcomers clubs and moms clubs.

        1. JT*

          Yeah, having moved around before, I’ve had to do this. It’s just a daunting process, especially when I think of adding my little one to the mix.

          But you’re right, it’s probably best if we sit down and make lists together.

    5. Overeducated*

      I think you may not be at the point where you’re ready to make a decision. You’ve identified three options (stay, location A, location B) and are at an impasse because none of them are quite what you both want and need. Maybe there aren’t other good options. Maybe there are, if you take more time to explore and dig deep into your values and priorities. Maybe you both need more time to sit with the possibilities and accept what you can stand to lose. But it sounds like one of you is going to feel forced if you make yourselves decide now, and that’s not good.

    7. WellRed*

      Have you thought about a few joint sessions with a counselor to sort some of this out? Why, now that you have an infant does he suddenly want to move and is fixated on one state? You’ve offered a compromise and he’s reading it as a threat. What’s going on with him?

    8. KayEss*

      It sounds like there’s a lot of stuff going on here not directly related to the question of “where should we live?” that it might be worth working through with a couples’ counselor.

      The tension between your husband and your parents is not going to go away, and will likely be exacerbated by having a child in the picture–a child who, if I understand correctly, is a PoC by virtue of being mixed race. Have you thought at all about how much unsupervised baby time grandma and grandpa will get? What the line is for acceptable behavior from them? If I were your husband, I’d be deeply worried about my child being exposed to, say, Fox News playing in the background or grandpa going on a spontaneous rant to a buddy about immigrants or “racial quotas” taking jobs from “real Americans” because he figures kiddo is too young to understand/absorb it… and the idea of that being the default babysitting option to lean on would give me hives. I get that you love your parents, but your husband does get to have some say in what behaviors and attitudes are acceptable around your mutual child.

      At the same time, your need for support while raising a child is extremely valid, given that it’s unfortunately not unusual for the majority of childcare duties to fall to the overwhelmed woman in a heterosexual partnership. The fact that you’re so focused on it suggests that you DON’T feel fully supported just within your immediate family unit, i.e. by your husband. If that’s the case, it’s also possible that how critical your support network is to you is invisible to or mentally glossed over by your husband. So one possibility is to sit down and detail out: who is supporting you right now? What are they helping you with? Be detailed and explicit about what YOU need in terms of support to feel okay, and task him with figuring out options (and prices, because when not provided by family/friends these things cost $$$) in a new area before you consider moving. (And don’t just take his word on “well, I’ll step up and cover more of it myself!” because that almost NEVER happens.)

      Ideally, counseling will help the two of you sort through the real feelings and motivations that are shaping your positions on this decision and hopefully come to an understanding about what you need to prioritize as a couple and parents.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      This might sound too basic to be helpful, but perhaps looking at how both of you define “support system” would bring a more productive conversation.
      Start by identifying what you have now that you consider* as your support system. So one thing that jumps at me is you KNOW your baby sitters. In the new place you won’t know any sitters. So how will the two of you handle this quandary as a team? Can you live with a compromise type of thing where you locate new sitters and he locates new doctors? (Trade-offs where one person takes care of one concern and the other person takes care of a different concern.)
      *Tricky part. This is what you each CONSIDER your support system. I consider my neighbor part of my support system. When we get that very rare tornado she lets me and my PETS stay in her cellar. To me this is a big deal, I can’t bring my pets to other places. The two of you may find that you are putting different values on things in terms of how supportive that Thing or Person is.

      See the thing that strikes me is that you have a support system in Current Place and it does not include your parents. So perhaps it would be nice to include your parents but the proof right now is that you don’t have a hard and fast need for your parents to be near by. You guys are doing fine without having them close by.

      Another thought that hits be do you both have a favorite relative? We had Aunt T, we both adored her. I think she could have been a compromise person for us. FWIW, Aunt T was HIS aunt. But she made herself into my aunt also, she was just one-in-a-million. It was a privilege to get to know her. Perhaps you guys share a love and admiration for one special person.

    10. YetAnotherUsername*

      To be sure I understand: at the moment you live near his family, who are providing normal levels of family support which is really important when you have a baby. He wants to move because of hurricanes and heat. However he doesn’t want to live near your family. Instead he wants to move somewhere else where you have no ties and no family support. Am I understanding that right?

      It sounds like he has no idea what sort of support is needed when you have an infant. I’m guessing you are the primary parent and he has no clue how hard it is? If so then he is asking you to make a huge sacrifice including quite possibly your sanity. Mental health problems when mothers have insufficient support in the newborn / baby stage are very common. Post natal depression rates are much higher in women with less support. Even if you’re not at risk of mental health issues, he’s still asking a lot for you to raise a child with no family support.

      I get that the intersection of American politics and race is really complex and I couldn’t possibly understand it, being neither American nor a minority, but moving somewhere with no family or even friends to help out when you have a baby is sheer insanity.

      There are people, lots of people, who raise kids with little to no support from friends and family. And most of them do a great job. But it’s a huge amount of hardship to put on yourself if you don’t need to.

      I think the ideal is to either live near his family or yours until your baby is at least 2. And if you have another child, until the youngest is 3. After that it gets a whole lot easier.

      1. JT*

        This may sound silly, but thank you for at least acknowledging and validating my sense of need for support. I was starting to feel like maybe I was indeed being ridiculous for feeling as though this was a necessary thing for me.

        And yes, you’ve read the situation correctly – we live somewhere near his family, my sister, and multiple close friends we have had for a long time and can trust. He wants to move away somewhere we wouldn’t know anyone, but my compromise was to suggest being near my parents. I’m fine with staying here – he’s the one who doesn’t want to.

        I like the suggestions of making lists and working together but what I fear we’ll come back to is that having people to rely on physically and emotionally is something extremely high on my list.

        1. YetAnotherUsername*

          I don’t know why he doesn’t understand how hard it is to go it alone. Perhaps it’s time for you to take a weekend trip away and leave him with the baby. Then he will see how much help his family is and how hard it would be without them. It’s definitely possible to do it with no support and lots of people do, but why put yourself through that if you don’t have to.

          I listen to a podcast called best of both worlds. One of the hosts actually moved her young family to Florida from a state with no hurricanes because they wanted to be near extended family!

    11. Maya Elena*

      A reasonable compromise would be being within, say, 3 hours’ drive of at least one parent. Your requirements sound non-East-coast-based, which makes it harder, but it’s worth a look. Less than 4 hours’ drive is about the threshold when someone can come to you on pretty short notice, e.g. going into labor or for the weekend, and you can fill the gap with paid childcare (like many people do).
      That said: to me, his inability to live in the same city as your family is deeply problematic, if he is as averse to it as you make it sound. You can live in the same city and see each other once a month or once a year. What if, god forbid, you suddenly had some kind of situation that required you to move in with your family or take them to live in your house, e.g. for health reasons?
      Person of color or not, he married into his situation, and he married you, and you were raised by your parents; if there is any feeling that your relationship with your parents is “breaking bread with the enemy”, as one commenter put it, that’s something deeper that needs to be examined, and might be fueling other subtle relationship issues.
      It’s a tough situation; good luck!

    12. Dancing Otter*

      Millions of people manage to raise children without living near family. My aunt Joan raised two boys while following her husband cross country (job transfers) from coast to coast every few years. My own parents lived almost four hours from their home town, and half a continent away from his siblings and my grandparents. This was, and still is, n.o.r.m.a.l. in American society. The people who live and die in the same town where they were born are the outliers.

      What would you be saying if this move were not for personal reasons but for professional ones? Would you be saying he couldn’t take the new job because you can’t raise your child without grandparents and aunts/uncles around to do part of the work?

      As the minority, your husband is the one who gets to say whether your parents’ area is too bigoted for him and his mixed-race child. You say that he gets along with your parents, but is that because he only has to tolerate them in small doses? It’s easy for you to say they were good parents: they wouldn’t have been bigoted against you.

      1. JT*

        You’ve made several assumptions about my situation here that I feel you’re attacking me for.

        I’m by far not someone who lives near where I grew up – I am currently quite far from there, actually, and have moved several times. Actually, my parents live somewhere other than where I grew up. However, having a child of my own changes my needs. And millions of people, including your aunts and uncles, have their own needs. I have mine. They aren’t necessarily the same. I am allowed to have needs that aren’t what *you* think they should be. And while most people above have had sensible suggestions on how to approach the problem and to work as a team, your solution seems to be that I should just ignore what I, as a woman, needs as his needs as a man of color supersede mine.

        My parents’ area is actually quite liberal. They’re in a blue state and they’re in a blue city. My parents themselves have never made it acted in a racist manner – and this confusion may be due to my poor wording – in fact I’ve always heard them actively oppose it when they’ve seen it crop up. It’s my father’s political affiliation that my husband is basing his opinion on, which I understand. It’s a complicated mix of things but it boils down to, “if you support a party that supports these policies you essentially support them too.”

        We are both in fields that don’t require to relocate. In my field, I can pretty much choose where I will work and find a job there, so yes, I would turn down a job based on location.

        Anyways, for future reference, making someone feel attacked and judged for having needs that aren’t the same as yours isn’t helpful.

  96. Fikly*

    Can you try non-religious mental health treatment? Is that available where you live?

    I’m not religious and I’ve never had religion pushed on me in mental health treatment. I would run away screaming.

  97. LionelRichiesClayHead*

    Just felt the need to share.

    Last night my mom mistook my attempt to surprise my father with Final Four bball tickets with a baby announcement. It was v. awkward. Especially since she knows we aren’t planning to have kids.

  98. OyHiOh*

    Tonight is erev Rosh Hashanah. The evening before. There’s a short service and dinner at my synagogue tonight. I’m going – with dragons of course, and Neptune as well. Feeling tense because this has potential to go sideways in about a dozen ways, none of which I can control or even influence very much. Neptune has a strong affinity for Judaism for several reasons – part of the reason I invited him is because he was missing home and the rituals of the high holidays. The tense part is in not knowing how this congregation will respond. They want my participation badly and are inclined to tolerate a lot hoping I feel welcome. But it’s an old, politically conservative, predominantly white congregation and I’m going to walk in there tonight with an African American man. A couple people who will be there for sure are on my FB and have seen photos of us together so I’m hopeful it will be ok and not too uncomfortable for Neptune.

    I “lost out” on a playwrights fellowship this week – not referred on to the second stage of selection. But I have the script I’d sent my sample out of 60% done now and an invitation to submit through their open submissions email. It doesn’t feel like a rejection, oddly. Feels like encouragement to keep pushing harder for what I want.

    I told Neptune about it as soon as I got the email. He’d been obsessing about an odd old building (OOB) we saw while scouting photo locations so I told him about the fellowship email and then added some thoughts about OOB. He said “but enough about OOB, the play’s the thing! Tell me what you do next.” That seems pretty normal . . . but no human I’ve ever been in a serious relationship with has ever dropped their obsession of the day to focus on my big exciting news. I may have cried a bit.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I think I would have cried also. It’s all good. Keep going.

      I hope tonight goes well for you both. The thing about kids is that they are a wonderful distraction and they can really help dilute any negative stuff.

      1. OyHiOh*

        My older two dragons, ages 11 and 9, I’ve already talked to. Explained how showing people how this is your friend you trust can help people accept someone they might otherwise feel uncomfortable about. Hopefully even that’s a comment that ends up not being necessary but it’s better to say something now.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      sending you well wishes, plus wisdom and energy for the play and the new congregation social aspects.
      You are inspiring.

  99. C'est moi qui vous parle*

    Question about budgeting. I read the money thread up above, but I was wondering if anyone has tips on saving money when one partner is more on board than the other? My husband doesn’t object to saving money, but he never actually tries to make it happen, and just spends without really thinking about it (or so it seems to me, at least). He doesn’t make big purchases, but he will do things like go to the grocery store multiple times per week, buy unnecessary junk food items, buy coffee out when he has a coffee machine at home, eat fast food often, buy things on sale just because they are on sale, not because we need them, etc. I was raised to be very thrifty and I used to get really upset with him for spending too much, and he accused me of loving money more than him, so now I feel I can’t really say anything. He was raised poor, with the mentality of spend it when you have it. I make a decent amount of money (he doesn’t work because of his health) and I think he just feels secure enough to not think about it too much. To him, paying a bill late or going into credit card debt is not a big deal, but to me it is. I have tried going over the budget with him, but he gets extremely stressed every time I try to explain our financial situation to him. We don’t have any savings at all. I have a pension through work but that’s it. I just turned 40 and… I don’t want to be old and poor. I just really want to change this. But I don’t know how.

    We have been to couples counselling before, which led to him racking up $8000 in credit card debt because he wanted to manage his own money and I agreed to back off micromanaging his spending. So I’m not too keen on trying that again. That debt is paid off but I’m paying his student loan for him. I feel very resentful about this. I’ve asked him to try working a part time job, even just enough to cover his student loan and his personal spending. I think he could, he doesn’t. So it’s an impasse.

    Any advice? I’m in Canada, if that makes a difference.

    1. Enough*

      1) Have some money automatically transferred into a savings account when your paycheck gets posted. This becomes a budget item. Doesn’t have to be much to start.
      2) The budget should include an amount that he gets to spend any way he wants each month. You would also get an amount. They don’t have to be the same amount. But in your case it may be best that you both get the same.
      3) This would be the hardest. Limit his credit card use. Try to get him to only use cash.

    2. Dan*

      I had similar issues with my ex-wife (in the US). She grew up in an area that was a relatively low cost of living. We ended up living in a HCOL area. I made decent (if not good) money, but given the cost of living, we still had to budget. Except she took it as “oh you make a lot of money, so ‘we’ can spend whatever we want.”

      I had several conversations with her about budgeting, to the point where I flat out said, “I don’t care what you buy, as long as the CC bill is under $X.” That was a big fat nope. She didn’t feel like working either. One day, she looks at me and says, “is all you care about money?” I said no, but money buys stability, it buys options, it buys peace of mind, it buys a house, and eventually it buys the ability to no longer work. I then said that the way she is spending money, she is taking those things from me and us. That explanation didn’t phase her in the slightest.

      She was a lot like your husband — money was there to be spent. I get that mindset, I grew up broke. But the thing is, I made choices in my adult life so that I would no longer be perpetually broke, and nobody was going to take that from me.

      We’re no longer together, and that’s a big reason why. You asked a question about budgeting. I hate to say this, but I guarantee you that’s the least of your problems.

      2. Quandong*

        I agree with Dan. This is a significant issue that also contributed to the end of a relationship for me.

    3. BRR*

      It sounds like it would be good if he gets a set amount of money each week/month and he can spend that however he wants. I don’t think there’s only one, right way though. The right way is the way that works for you.

      I think it’s fine if he’s not great with money, but he had to then let go of some control. The problem is he’s not great with money plus there doesn’t seem to be effort to get better. You’re going to have to bring it up again, and it will probably be uncomfortable. Don’t let him gaslight you with how much you love him vs money. Take breaks in the conversation, you don’t have to do it all at once. Also don’t shoulder the burden of making things better. He should have some ideas on how to fix this both because you two are a team and because I imagine it won’t go well if it’s all from you.

      1. C'est moi qui vous parle*

        I do agree that he needs to be part of it, but he just looks at me and says nothing, or says he doesn’t know what to do, or nods and agrees with everything I say but doesn’t follow through, or starts beating himself up and feeling really guilty, which isn’t productive, or vows to never eat out again, which he can’t stick to, or… a million unhelpful things :(

        Part of the problem is that he makes what I think are dumb mistakes, like paying $5 to take $20 out of a bank machine, or getting two $45 nsf charges because he forgot he linked his paypal to a bank account he doesn’t use anymore and forgot that he signed up for an app that charges yearly. Or gets a $400 speeding ticket, or buys a plane ticket to visit home and then forgets that his passport is expired and he can’t renew it in time, or… it just goes on. Stuff I can’t even think of to look out for, because it would never occur to me that he would do it.

        In the past he has lied about money which makes these conversations harder. Like, signed up for internet and then signed up for a credit card and charged the internet to the credit card without having a job to pay for either. Or signed up for a hobby which I thought we couldn’t afford, without telling me, which is $100 a month. When I object, he tells me that his doctor says it’s good for him to get out and socialize. Or letting his student loan go into collections, because I didn’t know he wasn’t paying it, and accruing a 20% penalty on the balance.

        Some of it’s just carelessness, like not watching the register at the grocery store and getting dinged twice for something, or getting the wrong thing, etc.

        At this point, he has heart problems, so any difficult conversation results in chest pain. (I mean, he really gets chest pain; he’s not using that as an excuse to duck out of the conversation.) So I kind of feel like my hands are tied.

        I’ve thought about cutting off his access to my credit card, but I guess I’ve just been lazy. That would mean a lot more work for me. I guess I’ve been willing to pay extra and have him do the groceries, drive our kid around to appointments, etc.

        A lot of the expenses he uses the credit card for are health related, for him and our son, so I’m also afraid of not giving him enough cash and then he can’t pay for parking, or whatever appointment they’re at, or meds.

        I don’t know. He’s in therapy now, so maybe that will help?

        1. Rebecca*

          I know I’m an internet stranger, but you need to look out for YOU and your son. This is not going to end well, and your husband is putting all of you at risk with his behavior. He is behaving very cavalierly, and these aren’t “mistakes”. He’s doing these things because it’s what he wants to do, and to heck with what anyone else thinks, says, or does. My ex told me he had spots on his lungs that could be cancer, and that he couldn’t have a biopsy due to other health issues, said he coughed up blood, etc. all to play on my sympathy. This was 4 years ago, and miraculously, since I left 2 years ago, he managed to get a job and stay employed.

          Your post gave me chills, it just seems so familiar. Please, for your son’s sake, think long and hard about your life with this man.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Totally agreeing with Rebecca. This guy does not have problems with money, rather he has problems with vindictiveness. He charged 8k to get back at you? Really? He lies about money? Really?
            Please google and read articles on financial infidelity. From what I have read, financial infidelity is on a par with sexual infidelity. We have to be able to trust our spouses to tell the truth about money. Our spouses have to have some sense of respect and ethics in their handling of money as their decisions impact us.

            Not to be scary but here’s what can happen: My friend lost her husband last year. She FOUND over a dozen credit cards each with a load of debt. She was 37 years into a 30 year mortgage. The she found a SECOND mortgage and the foreclosure guy knocked on the door one day. (Not snark, it actually happened.) Husband had numerous accidents with the car and would not tell her. For SOME reason DMV took away his license. He gave away their perfectly good lawn mower and told her the new one was the same mower they always had (gaslighting). And that life insurance policy he said he had, never existed.
            She has spent the bulk of this year dealing with collection calls and medical bills and other nightmares. She said, “I was married for 50 years to someone who I do not even know.”

            I take that back. I hope you are a little scared. I hope you talk to an attorney to find out what your rights are here. Your spouse is not prepared to have an adult level relationship with you. This is a big deal.

            (Follow up, my friend is okay now. She has had a tremendous amount of help and she knows she has been most fortunate. Not all stories go this way.)

            1. C'est moi qui vous parle*

              I didn’t know about financial infidelity. I wondered if I was financially abusing him because I was trying so hard to control where the money went.

              2. valentine*

                I wondered if I was financially abusing him because I was trying so hard to control where the money went.
                I used to get really upset with him for spending too much, and he accused me of loving money more than him
                This is a common pattern of manipulation. Him doing nothing would be better than actively sabotaging you by creating needless debt. There’s only an impasse if you’re not willing to walk. You absolutely get to decide what to do with your money and that you don’t want to be working at age 80 and 90 to pay off reckless debt and decisions. Especially when he just doesn’t feel like contributing financially. If he does, though, he’s likely to turn that on you and make it a cudgel as well, accusing you of disrespect or emasculation because you make more money or are more ablebodied right now. You have to look after yourself and plan for worst-case scenarios like you not being able to work at some point. Maybe you will need to be on disability for a time. What then?

                The stuff he’s doing can easily be avoided, but he’s a brick wall of not wanting to stop extra, needless shopping. You could, for instance, have groceries delivered or go just once weekly and do without anything forgotten or missed. But there’s no point making rules he’ll break. He’s not being your partner around this. He wants to spend your money, for whatever reason, and is happy for you to have all the burden there.

                And the poor perspective is more “The money is already spent. If you don’t buy those boots when you get your tax refund, it’ll just go to rent or car repair or Cousin’s next emergency” than a money version of Name’s Rules for Chocolate: “If there is money in the house, there is too much money. It must be spent.” Also, poor and/or disabled people don’t generally sabotage the breadwinner. Your husband is just choosing to behave this way, the way some people claim their behavior is culture, which works as long as they can isolate their audience, usually their children.

                You might consider solo counseling because a therapist will recognize the dynamic and can suggest ways forward.

              3. Venus*

                Do you feel that you are financially abusing him because of what he says to you? I don`t want an answer, I just want to point out that people who are doing something wrong (sexual infidelity, stealing, etc) often accuse other people (spouses, friends, family, etc) of the same in order to distract from what they are doing. So if your spouse is at all making comments about you being too controlling, or doing bad things with money, then it is likely because they are themselves and they are being defensive and want to distract you.

              4. Perpal*

                When he says you love money more than him… no. He loves spending your money more than he loves you. Or at least this is what it sounds like; you are not the one making bad decisions. Of course, I only have your “side” of things to base this on but what you describe sounds awful and manipulative.

            2. Grew up in a financially abusive household*

              I’ve posted some advice in this thread under a different name. going even more anon than usual for this.

              My dad was really financially abusive. He hid money from my mother, took out debts in their joint names, spent like money was limitless, all the things. When they agreed on a set amount of money he would give every month, he would put some of it in the agreed place and insist he had put it all there. Once he went weeks without paying the money he agreed, and my mother couldn’t afford to replace a broken appliance, then she came home one day to find a cheap appliance installed which he insisted was worth all the money he owed (it was not). Once he built a wall in the garden that led nowhere, just a random wall jutting out from the shed. I was confused by this until my mother told me that he claimed in court that he had done some building work on the property so this should offset what was by then court ordered payments.

              When they got separated he made friends with HR in his work and convinced them to stop making the court ordered payments from his paycheck to my mother. He got himself into debt by buying a brand new car he couldn’t afford so he could state in court that he couldn’t afford to make payments to my mother (who at that stage was a single parent to 3 under age children including one severely disabled). He managed to drag out the divorce for years in various ways, until he retired, so he had less income. He had savings under his brothers name. All his dealings were in cash so there were no records. When their divorce was finalized she found out there was yet another debt outstanding on the house.

              Don’t be my mother. See the warning signs.

              If he genuinely isn’t doing this intentionally and he genuinely wants to change then he should be willing to accept an allowance. If he isn’t willing or starts telling you that you are the abusive one for suggesting it, then you know he is gaslighting you.

          2. tangerineRose*

            Yeah, your husband sounds manipulative. C’est moi qui vous parle*, if you look for “I am still furious” posts, it might be useful.

            1. Rebecca*

              Thank you, I was going to suggest that. “I Am Furious!!!” and “I am still furious”, I posted under both. And C’est moi qui vous parle, please, please reach out for help. Don’t be me at age 54, filing for divorce, and having to start over.

        2. Glomarization, Esq.*

          I’m with Rebecca. Put on your own oxygen mask first. If it were me, I’d start my own separate bank account that he has absolutely zero access to, and I’d put as big a percentage of my paycheck in it as possible every pay period.

          He’s being careless, but he’s also being a little manipulative and using his hurt fee-fees against you. You can love him and also take care of the money the way it needs to be taken care of, though.

            1. Vincaminor*

              GOOD.

              You mentioned not wanting to cut him off the credit card in case he doesn’t have the money for medical appointments etc. My credit union (and not US, so this may not map) has a pre-paid debit card, that you can load and then use like a regular debit card. Would something like that be possible for you? You put X on it at Y interval, if he runs it to zero that is all him. He may say you’re micromanaging his spending, but tbh it sounds like *someone* needs to, and he’s not doing it.

              You know your situation best, but I wouldn’t trust someone like this with a credit card that affected my rating.

        3. Dan*

          I’m the first person to say “give the guy a chance, at least legitimately hear him out.”

          Not here. After you wrote this, I can say without a doubt that sticking around is a waste of your time, if not worse.

        4. Dancing Otter*

          It’s actually very simple to get someone de-authorized on a credit card that’s in your name. That is, if it’s your account, and he’s an authorized user. Go online, or call the company, and change authorized users to NOT include him. If you think he has saved the number, say in his browser or in his PayPal, tell the credit card issuer that the number has been compromised, and you need to change the account number.

          If the account was opened in both your names, that’s a little harder, but a phone call may be enough. Tell the company you want to close the account.

          If the account is in his name, but you’ve been paying the bill, stop. If he’s medically unable to work, he’s receiving disability, right? So let him spend his own money on his coffee and junk food habit. It can still affect your joint budget, but at least it won’t be your hard-earned money going down the tubes. (If he’s not receiving disability, why not? Does his doctor not agree that he’s unfit to work?)

          As someone else suggested, pay your savings first. Is there something equivalent to the US 401K plan, where funds go directly from your payroll into a deferred earnings account for retirement? You need to think about yourself and your son, and not let this self-indulgent b— spend you all into the poorhouse. Separate your finances as much as you possibly can, just as if you were planning a divorce…. because it may come to that, if he doesn’t care about endangering your and your son’s financial security.

          As a side note, what does his doctor say about the chest pains he gets when confronted? Angina can be treated. My father had a massive heart attack in his 40s, and went back to work, with appropriate medication, until normal retirement age. Heart disease isn’t necessarily disabling nowadays. For that matter, what does his doctor say about the junk food?

    4. Book Lover*

      Oh gosh. Money is a major reason people end up divorced and this is why. I would probably call this a dealbreaker. Credit cards go away and there are envelopes with cash for fun, entertainment, and so on, and when it is gone it is gone. If he isn’t willing to do that and guilt trips you about caring about money more than him I would go to individual counseling and consider whether this is something you can cope with long term – being broke with a husband who isn’t willing/able to work but is willing to spend your money and more.

    5. LibbyG*

      Sounds tough! You write that you “just really want to change this.” Maybe the path forward is deciding what “this” is. He’ll probably never change his approach to money to be the same as yours. But your need to feel secure is at least as important as his need to feel free. If that means a savings target or being debt free, then focus on that one thing and maybe he’ll understand that you’re not trying to transform him. Stop trying to explain the whole budget to him, and just keep the focus on that one goal.

      A more critical thought: there’s a good sociological study from a few years ago about different sex couples where the wife out-earned her husband. The main finding was that a lot of men compensated for their decreased sense of masculine status by reducing (or even refusing to do) housework, by hiding money from their spouse, or by “putting their foot down” on seemingly unrelated issues. I’m just sharing this in case it resonates with your situation. Good luck!

      1. C'est moi qui vous parle*

        Oh… that’s really interesting. I know it bothers him that he doesn’t contribute financially. I’ve tried explaining that he contributes in other ways (childcare, cooking, etc) but it doesn’t seem to compute in his head. He’s also very generous, and likes to give me gifts. I think it bothers him that he can’t pay for this stuff.

        (That generosity backfires on me though – like driving people all over the place and not asking for gas money, and then I have to pay for the gas. And a lot of the debt he racked up was buying food other people.)

        2. Parenthetically*

          That’s not generosity, it’s wanting to look generous by splashing YOUR MONEY around. A person can be generous with their time and gifts and self without spending someone else’s money.

    6. Rebecca*

      I read your post earlier. I wasn’t sure if I should respond. So I thought about it, and I’m going to. Your husband reminds me of my ex husband, right down to the signing up for credit cards in secret, no job, hiding the bills, taking money out of the bank and incurring fees, rather, I would incur the fees, paying things late or not at all until literally we were almost bankrupt, and I found out he was gambling and had that addiction. He was also work averse, but any money he did make working he blew, plus some.

      You cannot fix this. You can’t make him adhere to a budget. You can’t change his behavior. If you want to save money, open up an account and don’t put his name on it. Otherwise, you’ll go to the bank someday, put in the ATM card to draw out the $500 you put away for emergencies and find you have less than a dollar, because HE used it for whatever magic beans or lottery tickets or whatever else was important to HIM. If you’re able to run a credit report, do so, because there could be other accounts out there you don’t know anything about. If he’s not working, he can intercept the mail, and you won’t find out there’s a problem until collection agencies are involved.

      I feel for you, I really do. Please take steps to protect yourself! Run the credit report, maybe put alerts or a freeze on your credit in case someone tries to open an account. Get a separate bank account. And I echo Dan’s assessment, budgeting is really the least of your problems.

      1. LibbyG*

        These are wise words. No one wants to treat their spouse as a child or as an adversary, but you absolutely have the right (if not obligation) to protect yourself and your child financially.

        1. WellRed*

          He’s putting all their futures at risk. Unfortunately, the first time he said “ you love money more than you love me” was the time to run. Manipulative BS!

          1. Rebecca*

            He is putting their futures at risk. And for what? Because it suits him, makes him feel better, is what he wants, and he feels entitled to it. Also, I’d make sure he’s going to the appointments. My ex said he had doctor’s appointments, I gave him cash for the copay, and found out he wasn’t going at all because they weren’t showing up on the EOB lists online. The next time he wanted money for an appointment, I said I’d write a check to the doctor’s office, and he threw a fit. Then I told him that I knew he was lying. I filed for divorce less than a year later.

            1. C'est moi qui vous parle*

              Well, I know 100% for sure that he’s going to the appointments and that his health problems are real. I’ve been to doctors appointments with him, was there when he was hospitalized, I claim everything on the insurance, and there are receipts for everything including the meds. So I know he’s not lying about that.

      2. C'est moi qui vous parle*

        Thank you for responding… I feel like I’ve been stuck in my head for so long, I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not. Like maybe I’m just too controlling. Anyways it’s good to hear from people who made it out the other side. Lots to think about.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          The opposite is true. HE is controlling and unreasonable. And now we can add gaslighting as you feel like you are the bad one.

          I am very concerned for you. Please let us know how you are doing.

        2. tangerineRose*

          I don’t think you’re too controlling. He racked up a lot of money in credit card debts and sends money foolishly, and you’re trying to have some financial security. It’s healthy to avoid bankruptcy, and he seems like he’s not even trying.

          When I was a kid, I don’t think we were exactly poor, but there wasn’t much extra, and we were very careful with money. Now that I’m an adult with a good job, I’m still fairly careful because I like having a just in case fund. I’m not sure that his growing up poor is a good excuse. And even if it isn’t, he needs to grow up.

        3. fposte*

          Another voice here. I absolutely believe he has heart problems and that he loves to give you gifts. I don’t think he’s a supervillain.

          But I also don’t think he is going to change this. Whatever he gets from this behavior matters to him more than not hurting you does. And it’s certainly seductively rewarding behavior–he doesn’t have to worry about money, and he doesn’t have to wait to get what he wants. Even if there’s no financial abuse or manipulation involved, even if this is just a huge money blind spot in his cerebral cortex, he *likes it too much to change it.* It really is possible for somebody bad at money to work with a partner to limit damage to the family. Your husband isn’t willing to do that; you’re the one sustaining all the damage and he gets all the perks, and that’s a deal he’s happy with.

    7. YetAnotherUsername*

      Honestly? I think he is a leech, and this is financial abuse.

      If you genuinely believe he’s not doing it to be abusive, then at the very least he is behaving like a child in regards to money, so treat him like a child and stop giving him so much access to your money.

      How to do that: set up a new bank account in your name only. Put your salary and all the bills on that account. Set up retirement savings in your name that he can’t access. Cancel all his credit cards and refuse to cosign for new ones. Given that he has no income I’m guessing he can’t get into too much debt without you cosigning for it. Talk to an accountant or lawyer to make sure you have some way of protecting yourself from any debts he does take out in his own name.

      Give him an allowance that you can afford and are happy with, and that’s all he gets. If you still want him to do the groceries, make it clear that if he oversepnds on it you will just start ordering online and take that responsibility from him too.

      And then the hardest part. Follow through. If he somehow manages to get into debt, set it up so his entire allowance goes towards paying off the debt until it is paid.

      Don’t let him make you old and poor. You don’t deserve that.

      1. C'est moi qui vous parle*

        In the past when we didn’t have credit cards I tried giving him cash money for emergencies, and he would spend the whole amount the day I gave it to him. So I’ve been resisting giving him a cash allowance.

        I haven’t cosigned anything with him. I don’t know why the bank would let him have a credit card with no source of income, but he’s got a card with a $13k limit. I don’t think I can cancel that card, since my name isn’t on it.

        Any little bit of money that he gets that he thinks I don’t know about, he will spend on food. I don’t think it’s possible to control every possible avenue of spending.

        1. Perpal*

          You can’t control him and whatever he manages to get; you can control your side of things though. Sort of. I think the tricky thing about marriage is that debts can be joint, even if one side doesn’t know about it? Not sure what the rules are in canada; a lawyer might be more helpful than more counseling at this point. Plus a credit checker if he’s lied about credit cards before, or some way to see just how many lines of credit he has open and if it matches up with what you think he has open.

        2. YetAnotherUsername*

          Does he have a food addiction? It seems strange that he spends so much on food. If he has a food addiction he needs treatment for that. He’s an adult and it’s his responsibility to make sure his addiction doesn’t impact negatively on his family.

          Other than addiction there’s only two other possibilities here. Either he is financially abusing you, or he has some sort of mental block that prevents him from being responsible with money. Your posts are leading me to think it’s more likely abuse than a mental block.

          If it is a mental block type thing then think of it like training a child. Children (and all people / animals) learn behavior through rewards and negative consequences. When you have him emergency cash and he spent it, I wonder if you just gave him more. That’s not a consequence. That’s a reward! You are rewarding his bad behavior. He will never learn in. That scenario.

          I know you don’t like the idea of leaving him. And kid stranded with no emergency money, but honestly that’s what it might take for him to learn.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If he can’t manage to be responsible, then he needs to setup systems to enable him to be responsible AND prevent him from screwing up. IE, he gives up the credit card. He only has a debit card with x amount of money each month.

      Also, put money into savings up front. It never hits your checking account type thing. Set a savings goal, then see if you can do direct deposit into 2 accounts (depends on your employer). Treat savings as a debt or a bill, one that never goes away.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Can’t edit, so additional comment.

        Read through your additional posts. You don’t have a spouse who can’t budget problem, you have a manipulative and abusive spouse problem. Very different problem. Really, the only sure fix to that is divorce. At a minimum – therapy for you, and cutting off/severely limiting his access to the money and credit. Freeze your credit so new accounts can’t be opened in your name. And I’d talk to a lawyer to see what risk you’re at if he opens accounts and runs up debt in HIS name. Also, I’d check and freeze the kid’s credit as well. Better safe than sorry.

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      Okay, I’ve got to say something, too.
      My financial tsunami of a spouse died last August, and almost every single secret came out afterwards. He manipulated me endlessly, while he was spending my money on other people to make himself feel better. In addition to that, he lied about credit card debt, forged my name on things to get thousands of dollars out of the retirement accounts, and the retirement money he did get from his parents (which was suppose to be there when we both retired)… he gambled away. Even his daughter’s school fund was spent (money left by her grandparents).

      But the biggest rush he got was spending endlessly. The endorphins were running amok there.
      I was so very wrong to let myself be bullied and manipulated, and feeling sorry for him Yes, he had cancer (twice prior to the last time which did kill him). But he had enough energy to have worked – instead, he ran “his own business” (into the ground and since I was a partner, because he didn’t have enough credit for open accounts with vendors)… That cost me $100,000 in debt when he died. There was $5.92 in the retirement account -he’d cashed out (forging my name). I had to pay taxes on that to boot.
      So I’m in my early 60s, extending my work life until I’m 70, and having to move to the upper midwest because I rent here and can’t afford to retire here. Not a single asset.

      So – yeah. The “screw you” attitude that he has, and then blaming, manipulating, and hurting you… then using his health (while you pay his school loans – I paid mine’s alimony)… it’s familiar. And sad. Don’t be me.

    10. Vincaminor*

      Many sympathies to you. I know this is hard, and you are trying to do the best you can.

      I’ll be honest, I read your account thinking, well, at least you already know he’s not working, he can’t quit his job to “go back to school” and “forget” to tell you.

      To reference Captain Awkward in this comment section again, I’m going to invoke the Sheelzebub Principle: if nothing changes, can you stay another year? Another five? Ten? It doesn’t sound like he wants to change — so what is your next action, and what is your timeline?

      I know it’s complicated because you have a son together. You’re a family! But I’m hearing there’s a “you” looking out for that family where it would be reasonable to expect an “us.”

      1. C'est moi qui vous parle*

        I was actually seriously thinking of leaving him at the beginning of this year, and was trying to plan for it, when he had a heart attack. That’s complicated things. He would lose access to health benefits if we split up. I just can’t quite bring myself to do that to him. He says that the heart attack has seriously changed the way he looks at things. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll try one more time to get through to him.

        1. Vincaminor*

          Oh boy. Yeah, I can see that.

          Just please know: you are not a bad person if you choose to save your fight for the battles you can win. This may not be one of them. You are also not a bad person if you put your child’s security and your own first. I’m about your age, and the spectre of being old and poor, it looms. We do not want to be there.

        2. Perpal*

          Set your limits.
          Also, forgive my ignorance, but I thought canada had some kind of universal health care?
          I would talk to a lawyer; again, not just about divorce, but perhaps they have tips on how to isolate yourself from any debt he takes on his own without having it be in your name.

          1. C'est moi qui vous parle*

            Healthcare doesn’t pay for medications – that’s covered through my benefits at work. Without benefits his meds would be $400/month. There are other things that my workplace benefits cover that universal healthcare doesn’t – ambulance, dentist, eye doctor and glasses, counselling, physiotherapy, stuff like that. Doctors visits, emergency room visits, hospitalization are covered through healthcare. So it’s definitely not the financial burden that it would be in the US.

    11. LuJessMin*

      I thank the universe that my sister and her husband kept their finances separate and the house and the car were in her name. Since he died two weeks ago, she found out he had bought his ex a new car, he was sending money to his girlfriend in Australia, he had two banks accounts that she can’t access because her name isn’t on them. He bought a life insurance policy in January, but cashed it out a month later, so the cost of cremation is all on her. I never cared for him much when he was alive, and my opinion of him has gone a lot lower since all this.

      1. C'est moi qui vous parle*

        Yikes. I’m sorry that happened to your sister.

        Everything is in my name – house, vehicles. I have a life insurance policy on him through work, enough to cover funeral costs if it came to that. His name isn’t on any of my accounts. My son’s education is paid for in an account he doesn’t have access to.

    12. C'est moi qui vous parle*

      Thanks everyone for responding. You’ve given me a lot of good advice and a lot to think about.

      I don’t know, the more I write, the worse it all seems. I’ve tried explaining to him that I just want financial security for us, not to have to worry about debt, not to have collection agents calling us, just peace of mind and the ability to pay bills plus have enough to enjoy life, to travel and do things that bring joy. He says he wants that too but somehow the money only goes to things that bring him joy.

      I thought about just letting him deal with his own debt but I looked it up and I’d be financially responsible for any debt he accrues during the marriage if we got divorced. I just don’t see how I can’t afford to get divorced. I’ve looked into it and it doesn’t seem feasible. Maybe I’m just being defeatist. I certainly feel defeated.

      1. fposte*

        Please talk to a lawyer in your province before deciding this. They will know how this all plays out in reality and whether there are ways to protect yourself.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Yeah, see a lawyer. I think you’re right; if he’s not willing to change in any way, what else can you do? Protect yourself and your kid.

      2. BRR*

        Ugh I’m so sorry to read all of that. Definitely consult with a divorce lawyer if you want to consider that. They are probably more familiar with things. If you feel like you have to stay together and nothing changes, I would probably just cut him off.

      4. Book Lover*

        I can’t see how it would be more expensive to get divorced given that he seems very intent on putting your into never ending debt during marriage.

        1. YetAnotherUsername*

          I’m also confused how divorce would be more expensive.

          I don’t know if divorce is the right thing to do or not, but it certainly seems like it would be cheaper than staying married to him.

        2. WellRed*

          But we’re looking at it through a very dispassionate lens: she presumably loves this man and has deep connections with him. Not so easy to cut off the father of your child, even if he is a freeloader.

        3. C'est moi qui vous parle*

          To be clear, we don’t have any debt now other than his student loan. I’m managing to keep us afloat without going into credit card debt.

          We’ve been together for 20 years. I was so naive when we met, I just thought you had to put up with stuff like this. It’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve read blogs like this one and Captain Awkward, and learned about things like boundaries and consent.

          I think I just took him in like a stray cat. He had been through so much crap, I felt really bad for him and wanted to make things better for him. But he didn’t share that vision of a better life, I guess.

      5. Rebecca*

        I felt that way too, as I carry the health insurance through my job (I’m in the USA). But, there are ways for people to get insurance, I don’t know if my ex did anything about it, but not my problem. He is an adult, time to start acting like one. Plus, the courts viewed my temporary support taking into consideration his ability to work and earn, and he had to get a job or starve. It’s very surprising what people can do when faced with being hungry. Talk to an attorney. Get the facts. Don’t assume it will be worse getting a divorce, I suspect it won’t, and you will be rid of this millstone around your neck.

        1. Dan*

          The way I look at it is, if you/I got hit by a bus, they’d lose the insurance anyway.

          In some weird twist of fate, I got laid off three months after splitting from my ex. I was very careful to put in the separation paperwork that health insurance was strictly contingent upon continued employment at OldJob. So when I started NewJob, well, let’s just say I lived up to the letter of the agreement, and I wasn’t feeling charitable. If they want health insurance bad enough, they can get a job that provides it. The rest of us do, you know?

          People (that weren’t lawyers) told me I paid more than I “should have” to get my ex to go away. I told them two things: 1) You aren’t my lawyer and you don’t know the law, and 2) On the off chance I did pay more than I “should have”, we settled this as an uncontested divorce, I paid everything as a lump sum, and she had to move out right away. Meaning, the day she left, I’d never have to hear from her again. *That* was worth whatever “extra” I paid. Point being for the OP: Even if you have to pay a few extra $ to get him to go away, your future self will consider that money well spent.

      6. Not So NewReader*

        Respectfully, my friend’s husband had credit cards in his name only. The lawyer or executor wrote each company a letter saying, “He’s dead and there’s no money in his estate.” The bills in his name vanished, leaving just one or two cards that had both their names on it.
        Since he forged her signature on the second mortgage they chose not to die on that hill and the place was refi’ed through sale to a family member.

        While your husband is very much alive, you still may have rights in your state that you don’t realize. Your best bet it to talk to an attorney.

      7. Quandong*

        I hear that you feel defeated, it’s understandable. Please get advice from a lawyer and support from a counsellor as you decide what to do.

        Even though it’s confronting, tackling this now will be better than leaving it for another year (or 2 or 5). Think of it as determining your personal ‘stop loss’ position. The more you know, the better you can choose what action to take to protect yourself and your son.

      8. 1LFTW*

        Given the level of manipulation and financial abuse, your local domestic violence service providers may be able to recommend low-cost legal advice. Even if you don’t (or don’t yet) want to get divorced, a lawyer would know whether there are ways to protect yourself from debt that he assumes without your consent. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you get the help you need.

      9. Dan*

        “Maybe I’m just being defeatist. I certainly feel defeated.”

        I try to not wallow in my own self pity and misery and all of that, but speaking from experience: If you don’t do something about it now (whatever that may be), it’s only going to get worse.

        It’s not in your head, and it’s not your fault.

  100. Gloucesterina*

    Pie bakers! My last couple attempts at lattice top apple pie resulted in a slightly scorched/dry layer of apples on top, just under the lattice. Any tips? I am using smitten kitchen’s “even more perfect apple pie” recipe.

    1. BRR*

      I can think of a few things that might help:
      -slice the apples a little thicker
      -have you tested the temperature of your oven? Maybe it’s hotter than it says?
      -have you used the same type of apple? Maybe it’s that type of Apple
      -do you need to cover it with foil towards the end?
      -if the bottom of your crust isn’t too browned, you could move your oven rack one rung lower.
      -if all else fails I’d just switch to a new recipe

      (And wow that pie looks great on smitten kitchen!)

    2. Gloucesterina*

      Yeah, I may need to give up with this particular recipe. Its goal is to get the maximum volume of apples into the pie, and for whatever reason I am utterly stymied by that process. It’s only been successful for me when I microwaved the apple slices in advance of filling the pie. I’ve also had no problem with less apple-ful formulas.

      2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        I measure my apples by slicing them into the empty pie plate. There’s enough when they mound maybe an inch over the rim. It’s a good few apples, but not as many as that recipe.

        I also use, I think, less sugar. Maybe half to 3/4 cup? Depending on tartness. Don’t know how that would interact with the tapioca thickener. I use flour, but am not perfectly pleased with the results.

        I’ve had apples get a bit carmelized under a lattice crust, but not scorched. Is your crust burnt too?

        I also use more spices than any recipe I’ve seen, but I don’t measure those. I really enjoy it that way though.

          1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

            I know, right? And that’s not getting into the ginger, nutmeg, allspice and cloves. Reduce the sugar, increase the spice. Pumpkin pie too.

      3. Arts Akimbo*

        If microwaving helps, maybe try poaching them lightly? Poaching can be a great way to unleash a fruit’s flavor and infuse other flavors.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Two thoughts: First, some apples are softer and mushier than others. Some apple pie recipes specifically have you mix dry, crispy apples with softer, wetter ones so that some of them break down and some don’t. So one idea would be to mix up your apples, and/or maybe even make your top layer of apples explicitly the wetter ones.

      Second, do you HAVE to do a lattice top? Why don’t you just do a double crust and avoid the whole problem?

  101. Shiny Onix*

    Do you 10q? is open again! I first heard about it here.

    Where did this idea come from?
    10Q was inspired by the traditional ten days of reflection that occur between the Jewish holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, a period of time that’s long been considered an opportunity to look at where you’re at, where you’ve come from, and where you’re heading. Whether you’re Jewish or not, though, 10Q is a great way for anyone to look back at the year that’s past, look ahead at the year to come, and take stock. That’s a beautiful thing in any language.

  102. Lore*

    Late to the discussion after a lazy no internet day yesterday. But hoping for tips.

    I’m setting off on a three-week mostly solo trip on Wednesday. I’ve done weeklong solo trips or gone solo on totes but never this long alone. I’m not great at chatting with strangers and worried I won’t talk to anyone (unless I call home) the whole time. Any tips for getting out of comfort zone while traveling and making acquaintances? I booked one food tour in Sevilla but otherwise open to general tips or specific recommendations for Sevilla, Valencia, and Madrid.

    1. Pam*

      I’m a travel-aloner by nature. I like to keep an open expression, and chat with people in lines, admire small children and dogs, and ask questions of staff at restaurants, museums, etc.

    2. Almost Violet Miller*

      In Madrid, try Casa Toni, I loved the food.
      To you more general question: if you don’t feel like talking to anyone, that’s okay. That might be the best way for you to relax.
      If you want to challenge yourself, joining a walking tour can be a great starting point. There are usually other solo travellers (and I’ve chatted with lovely elderly couples as well). Just reflect on what you’ve heard or ask about their holidays (is this their first time here, have they already seen something that’s a must to check out etc.). Sightseeing buses are also great (I recommend the hop on-hop off in Madrid, although I can’t speak for the chatting to strangers potential but the routes are great and I’m sure you can meet interesting people there.)
      Enjoy your holiday, your plans soind lovely. And be safe!

    3. fposte*

      I’m a travel-aloner introvert, but I also think it’s better for me to talk to people sometimes, just to feel like somebody’s noticed I’m alive. I think short tours/guided activities (I always see stuff about cooking classes I’d like to take) can be great ways to give yourself the opportunity to get a little human interaction that’s neatly finite. Markets can also be good for quick exchanges; admittedly they also make it very easy for you to do the last-minute dart away rather than open your mouth, but I imagine Spain is a pretty friendly place and food and crafts are easy ways to get a couple of lines added to your part in the scene while still keeping to your scheduled exit.

      I do also find sometimes I get more peopled out when I don’t talk to anybody, and I give myself permission to bail and read in the hotel instead whenever I please.

      Report back! I’d love to go one day.

    4. Tinuviel*

      There are free walking tours in Madrid, they have a purple umbrella. They hooked us up with a day trip to Toledo which was beautiful. Also lots of food/flamenco/wine & tapas tours. I’m not outgoing at all but we made great friends on our wine & tapas tour. Most didn’t require reservations too far in advance.

      -practice looking open to conversation. Soft smile, no headphones, looking around, making eye contact with people, have audible/perceptible reactions like laugh when you hear someone make a joke, or say “wooow” when you see something beautiful. It invites people to communicate with you
      -stay in a hostel/guest house. There are many with higher standards but you’ll meet lots of travelers, more than in a hotel
      -book a “cultural experience” tour. There are lots of cooking classes and dance classes where things might be in smaller groups, and it’s easier to have an extended conversation
      -try Meetup.com in the local area, you could drop in for a day
      -make your own cultural experience. Try to make a local food and ask a neighbor/someone at the market for advice
      -learn enough of the local language to ask questions like “What is your favorite local food?” “What do you like about living here?” “What do you recommend?” or just ask them, many people can speak simple English.
      -chat to people like tour guides, bartenders, wait staff, etc. They are paid to be nice to you and will help you strengthen your chatty muscles.
      -go to a mom-and-pop shop and talk to the mom and pop. Those kinds of people love talking to strangers.
      -Madrid and Spain in general loves drinking and eating outside. It’s OK to have a beer surrounded by people having fun and just feel like you’re part of something. Or have several beers and chat someone up at the bar!

      Have fun!

  103. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

    Sounds like a lot to start, but I know that some of those are quick and easy – just my brain going whoa -can’t!
    But I can certainly try.
    :-)

    1. Hazy days*

      I think that getting the first week under way is the thing – let’s do the best we can for this next week, and talk about how it’s gone next weekend.

      I think it’s going to be exciting!

      1. WellRed*

        I’m interested and may jump in. Is there a huge commitment to this? I’m vaguely familiar but need to look at the books to get an idea if it’s something I’d stick to. (Not always great with follow through).

  105. Sunflower*

    Question about HSA and taxes.

    Started a new job 6 months ago and was on track with my contributions to have contributed the max $ as I have some pricey dental work coming up. The HSA provider claims they weren’t able to verify my address and closed my HSA. The money was paid out to me and taxed. They said i can reopen the HSA this month and can put the money back in as a bulk payment. It seems like this could be somewhat of a headache so I feel that my other option is to have a much greater amount deducted from each paycheck for the rest of the year to end up contributing the same amount.

    On the surface, Both options seem to be of equal cost- but I can’t help but feel I’m missing something?

    1. Enough*

      What I wonder is about how they handle the tax advantage if you redeposit the lump sum? Seems like doing it monthly from your pay avoids additional potential problems. And put the money from the lump sum in savings and use it for any budget shortfalls.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If your HSA pays interest, you’ll get more interest by depositing the lump sum earlier, but unless you’re talking a very large amount that’s probably a fairly negligible difference. On the other hand, you might get more in interest off putting the lump sum in a high yield savings account, if you have access to such a thing. (I know those are less common these days too :P )

  106. Lauren*

    I’m late to the game, but here it goes. Any suggestions for a trip for a woman traveling alone? I’m thinking about NYC or Toronto, but other suggestions are welcomed.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I tend to center my solo trips around science fiction conventions, but that’s unlikely to be helpful advice for you. I like them because it gives me something to do and a group of people to hang out with – kind of like the good parts of college for the weekend. If it’s someplace I’ve never been before and I can afford the extra days, I’ll then tack on a few days of sightseeing on one end or the other.

  107. LuJessMin*

    Yikes – I reached over my couch to open the blinds and pulled a muscle in my left hip. I think I reacted quick enough, taking a muscle relaxer, stretching, rolling it out with my mom’s old rolling pin (can’t find my Tiger Tail). It’s never lifting the 25 lb bag of cat food that does, it’s always the little thing.

    1. Filosofickle*

      Right?! This summer I pulled a calf muscle, while picking up some laundry off the bed. Not straining, barely even reaching, literally just bending a bit. And I felt/heard a POP. The international trip we were packing for was cancelled. Two months later, I’m STILL recovering. :/

    2. WellRed*

      I barely cleaned shower and washed bathroom floor today. My hip hurts and my upper back, both on right side.

  108. IcedTea*

    I wonder if I need to go on anti-anxiety meds. Are there any that are less scary or won’t mess your body up too badly?

    1. Arts Akimbo*

      I wish I could help! But really, it depends on your own individual body chemistry. A med that works great for me might be just awful for you. The best thing is to just work with your doctor and don’t give up if the first thing doesn’t work well. There are a lot more options out there than there used to be! Good luck with it, and I hope you find something that works great for you.

    2. Parenthetically*

      It’s trial and error for a lot of people. I use an as-needed one that’s actually an antihistamine and I love it. But there are a variety that work well for some and not others!

        1. Parenthetically*

          The brand name is Vistaril, but I just got the generic, hydroxyzine pamoate. Just knowing that when my anxiety gets overwhelming it’s there for me to take has been so helpful. It certainly isn’t something to take daily, but if your anxiety runs more toward the “therapy helps a lot for day-to-day but I still have freakout moments that feel like too much to deal with” variety, it might be something to discuss with your doctor.

  109. MOAS*

    Sigh. Just need to vent. I am soooo sick and tired of the angry, arrogant drivers in my neighborhood. There was one car pulled over and just Zoomed out, no signal nothing. I was so close and when I honked my horn, they flipped me off!!!!! We both ended up at the red light so… what was the point??? Gah!!!!

    1. WellRed*

      I like to look over and smile at the offender when that happens. Because yeah, what was your damn hurry, asshat?

    2. Enough*

      The mother of one of my son’s classmates was in a very bad accident with 2 of her children. It was not her fault but she was very badly injured (children wee fine – car seats) and her children (6) went to live with the grandparents for the rest of the school year. Few years later I was at a stop light and the person next to me jack rabbited when the light changed. It was that same woman. I couldn’t figure why she drove like that after what happened to her.

  110. Ms. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    1. Any fun things to do in upstate/Rochester NY and nearby Canada border? (I love murals, quirky coffee shops, music)

    2. My body’s so worn out from
    -Tooth/Jaw sinusitis
    -Postnasal drip stomachaches
    -Dry eye
    -Variation of carpal tunnel.
    All but dry eye has luckily resolved. Sometimes my body falls apart when I’m stressed. Am on vitamin regimen/omega 3s but how do you give your body more energy after it’s been through a lot in 3 weeks? Anyone in a similar boat?

    3. One more day till closing….

    1. WellRed*

      Sometimes the body just needs to rest and no amount of supplements or potions or elixirs will do it. Congrats on making it through this far and please make an eye appointment. These are your eyes, after all. I had a manager who kept complaining about something in her eye and was planning a 3 hour drive for biz trip. I convinced her to see the doc. She had a tear in her cornea. She cancelled the trip (which she really loves) and thanked me.

    2. Penguin*

      No idea if you’ll see this, since I missed your post yesterday, but as far as quirky coffee shops, there’s Equal Grounds on South Ave. Last time I was there it was more “calm and centering” than “busy and distracting” so if that’s not your scene please disregard, but if it appeals definitely check it out.

  111. NoLongerYoung*

    Any recommendations on how to rip a soundtrack from a DVD and download it to your (android) phone? recommended software?
    I have some DVDs that I’d like to listen to. My phone is now my option for sound in the car. (And… it’s a high col area with 12 miles = 45 minutes or more of commute, so some kind of sound is preferred)

    My aged Toyota (2005) – the radio/cd player quit working. It comes on, just static.
    Since it has power, I can rule out a blown fuse . It has one of those funky aftermarket hands free speaker things that works through a preset (88.7, I think, although I never use it). I haven’t tried that (but will).

    I will eventually have to break down and do something, because I’ll probably be driving it another 2-3 years. I just… want to research my options.

    I think listening to some of my courses (I have some investment, economics, and communication training dvds I’d love to listen to, but didn’t buy them as audiobooks)…would be a good thing while I figure the next step out.

    Of course, free is better. But anything is cheaper than buying a whole new car stereo “right now.” My current entertainment budget is saving up for a Hamilton ticket for my birthday treat for myself. LOL. Priorities, right?

    1. WellRed*

      Do you mean music? Can you see if there’s a movie soundtrack on CD to download? Might not be free but probably fairly cheap.

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I haven’t looked into this for a while, but if I remember right, due to the copy protection on DVDs, you’re not “supposed” to be able to do this, so it may not be simple to find a program that does. (I suspect it is still possible to find a program that will, but the legality of such a program is something I can’t speak to offhand. It may have DMCA issues.)

      If I personally were to try and get the audio track off of a DVD, I’d probably go about it by playing the DVD on a stand-alone DVD player and connecting the analog audio out from the DVD player to a recording device of some kind. However, I already have a recording device that’ll take a line-in output, which probably isn’t something you have handy. I have no idea if you could get acceptable sound quality for your purposes using some kind of app designed to take voice memos and leaving your phone’s microphone near the speakers the DVD is playing on and recording it as such a memo, but that would certainly be a cheap option to experiment with. (I wouldn’t be happy with music or movies recorded that way, but I would imagine that it might be good enough if the lectures are just someone talking.)

      In a similar “car stereo won’t work, too broke to fix it” situation, I used to use a set of battery-powered speakers hooked up to a portable CD player or tape player for car music. In these modern times, you could probably get a portable Bluetooth speaker that synced to your phone.

    3. fposte*

      It depends what your hardware is, but if you have a DVD drive either internally on your computer or externally that you can use with your computer, you should be able to download and use Handbrake to rip the file and convert the audio file to an mp3; then you can put the mp3 on your phone. It’ll take a long time for each DVD, and the mp3s will probably be pretty big files, so your time and phone memory may limit what you can do.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Thank you! I’m going to see if I can do it in chapters (each teaching segment is 30 minutes). That may help the file size, as well.

        This sounds like just the ticket. They sell audio versions of these courses…But when I bought these, I got the DVDs. My plan was to watch them post-surgery a few years ago, but wound up NOT feeling like trying to master economics while on pain meds. (Imagine that).

  112. Confused Writer*

    The person for whom I was writing my book died, very unexpectedly. I’ve moved past the grieving process mostly, but now I’m stuck on my first draft. I don’t know how to edit it because I don’t know who it’s for. What now?

    1. valentine*

      Isn’t it ultimately for you, something you want to add to the world, that you hope others will enjoy, appreciate, and/or learn from?

      You were dedicating it to this person or they were your audience?

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      I’m also Confused about how you were writing a book for someone? You mean they were the publisher or they commissioned the book?

    3. Shiny Onix*

      I’m presuming they were your intended audience? You can still write it for them <3
      I'm so sorry for your loss.

  113. PhyllisB*

    Any English readers out there who can help me out? I checked out a cookbook at my local library dealing with apples, In case you’re interested in looking for it, the title is Apple: Recipes From the Orchard by James Rich. Anyway, I did not realize this was an English cookbook with English measurements. That’s not such a problem there were conversions, and I have a son I can consult on all Things Metric. What puzzled me was the cooking instructions. ie: Preheat a fan oven to 170 C/340 F/gas 5, First of all, what is a fan oven? Is this the same thing as a convection oven? If so, what if you don’t HAVE a convection oven? How do you adjust?Second thing, US ovens don’t have settings at 340 degrees. Do I go up to 350? Or down to 325?

    1. PhyllisB*

      Oh, one more thing: remember a few weeks ago I was asking about a cake I made that turned out too dry? (Aside from the fact that we all decided it probably wasn’t a good recipe) I was attending a cooking class and the chef mentioned when measuring dry ingredients (flour) to SPOON into your cup rather than just dipping into the bag/container because you end up with more flour when you dip into the bag. Well, DUH!! I learned that in high school Home Ec BUT I forgot that little rule..and I had dipped. No wonder the thing was dry, I had too much flour!! Problem solved. Just sharing this in case this helps someone else.

    2. ThatGirl*

      If you have a digital input you can put in 340, if you have a dial you can aim for just shy of 350. Otherwise I’d probably go with 350. Convection ovens tend to cook a little faster so without it a slightly higher temp should even out the baking time.

    3. Not A Manager*

      A fan oven is a convection oven. 350° will be fine.

      The very, very easiest way to bake from metric recipes is to get a small electric kitchen scale. They are pretty inexpensive and you can set them to weigh in ounces or grams. Once you get used to weighing your ingredients, you will never want to use volume measures again. You don’t have to worry that you are packing the brown sugar too tightly, or that your “cup” of almonds has a lot of air in between the nuts. And instead of measuring each ingredient and pouring it into your big bowl, you can just weigh an ingredient into the bowl, set the scale to zero, and weigh your next ingredient into the same bowl.

      BUT… don’t try this with American recipes that have weights in parentheses. Frequently those were added by some editor who has no idea what they are doing, and they are wildly off.

    4. YetAnotherUsername*

      Fan oven = convection oven. Most recipes suggest adding 10-20 degrees C if you don’t have a convection oven.

      Google does really easy conversion. Just type “convert 100C to Fahrenheit” or “convert 100g into Oz” into Google. It works for most units and even most unit symbols.

      1. Not A Manager*

        That’s fine when you’re converting metric weights to imperial weights, like grams to ounces of weight. The problem is when you’re converting metric WEIGHTS to imperial VOLUMES. Most European recipes weigh dry ingredients like flour and sugar that we tend to measure in volumes. Frequently they will even weigh liquid ingredients like oil.

        It’s easy to convert grams into ounces of weight, if in fact you’re planning to weigh your ingredients. The problem is that an ounce of weight and an ounce of volume are only equal for water. If you measure out eight ounces of water (one cup volume) and then weigh it, the water will weigh eight ounces. But if you measure out eight ounces of flour (one cup volume), or eight ounces of oil, those will weight much LESS than eight ounces, because both flour and oil weigh less than water.

        So you can’t just ask google to convert grams to ounces, because you’re going to get a weight conversion. And you can’t even ask google to convert grams to “tablespoons” because even if you found a website that did that conversion, it would be converting grams of water to tablespoons of water. In order to convert grams of flour to tablespoons of flour, you’d need to google that specific question.

        This is why American recipes that purport to have weights as a sort of side-item afterthought are frequently really, really inaccurate. They are mostly doing conversions based on the weight/volume of water, and just popping those numbers in for things like oil and flour and sugar.

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