weekend free-for-all – March 21-22, 2020

by Alison Green on March 21, 2020

Sophie joins new cats Hank and Shadow for sleeping.

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Rules of Civility, by Amor Towles. In 1930s New York, a typist gets drawn into the city’s social elite. An enjoyable distraction.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Let’s keep all the coronavirus stuff in this thread right here so that it doesn’t take over the entire comment section and people can easily skip it if they want to. If you want to talk corona, please do it as a reply here. Thank you!

    1. AwfulDragonfly*

      Does anyone else have a story about being accidentally awful? I was checking out at the grocery store today (we aren’t on lockdown) and told the clerk that I would grab the receipt, joking that I was sure they’d come into contact with more people that day than I had. What I MEANT to convey was, “I commend you for doing a vital job, even though you could get sick, so the least I can do is minimize your exposure to me. Thank you.” From the look on the poor kid’s face, what ended up being communicated was, “Don’t touch me or my things, you dirty pleb.” I felt so bad and just slunk away.
      Anyone else do a meanness where they meant a kindness?

      1. gsa*

        Both.

        Things will get uglier and some people will be noticeable kinder. Kind people are always kind, just not always noticed.

      2. Laure001*

        AwfulDragonfly, I feel for you… I didn’t do any coronavirus blunder recently because I have been stuck at home for the last ten days, but what you just described happens to me all the time… Trying to say something kind, or tell a nice joke, and have it sound the opposite of what I wanted to convey.
        You are not alone!

      3. NotAdapting*

        I accidentally went looking for support from a coworker who’s spouse is an ER doc. They are the ones needing support not giving. Oops!

      4. tangerineRose*

        I was at Wal-Mart recently to pick up a prescription. I bring my own bags, so I was OK with the greeter checking my receipt, but we started chatting a little, and I was backing away from her a bit because you know, social distancing, and I think she was disconcerted about it. I guess I should have said something about why I was backing up.

      5. Sara(h)*

        We’ve all been there. But it’s easy to course-correct once you see the look on his face, right, and explain what you meant, isn’t it? Anyway, one thing that might help in general is that I’ve made a point of thanking cashiers and other retail workers for working during this time, and acknowledge appreciated it is.

      6. Penny Parker*

        I volunteer at a food pantry and one of the other volunteers is a woman from China who is working in an internship at a local non-profit before graduate school this fall at an Ivy League university. When I saw her at work early this month I had just gotten orders from the Chair of the Board for the food pantry of “no and-shaking”. I am a big handshaker. I greeted this exchange student by saying, Oops, no handshaking today!” and then I saw her face. I felt so badly, but I’m sure not as bad as she felt! I did explain and apologize for being so abrupt. In the end I do believe she understood and accepted my apology. My children are people-of-color; I have personally face so *much* prejudice, including a serious attack on my family’s life (truck tried to force us off a bridge while screaming racial slurs; 1970s era), so I viscerally felt her response to my abruptness. I am so sorry for being so abrupt; I am such a hand-shaker (my profession is in cold-call sales) and I was trying to remind myself and restrain myself because I DID want to shake her hand!

    2. Aphrodite*

      I’ve always been a sensitive person, able to read and to feel the vibes in any setting, any room, any situation. I actually thank my body’s ability to do this but it is a major drawback in stressful times like now.

      What do you do to get away from too much talk and focus at this time, especially if you are sensitive too and feel as if you are going mad? I saw a picture somewhere else today and alternately fascinated and appalled me–a woman, wearing pretty red lingerie, bent over and peering into a refrigerator. It was before isolation and after isolation, and two images, like a before and after, were basically the same except for the body. That was a difference of about 40-50 pounds.

      I suddenly realize how accurate this might represent me and wondered how I might alter that. What are all of you doing or want to do or think you can do with just a bit of willpower? I can’t be the only one feeling as if I am walking on ticking time bombs because of the tension and stress all around. I am happy to see people in my neighborhood on NextDoor setting up things to do and help and doing their best to spread kindness but I also wonder if people will continue their efforts at kindness or will they succumb to the tension as the days and maybe weeks go on. Will things get ugly or will more people try to be kinder than usual?

      1. gsa*

        Both.

        Things will get uglier and some people will be noticeable kinder. Kind people are always kind, just not always noticed.

      2. Laure001*

        Aphrodite, I have been quarantined for nine days (I am in Paris, and fell sick just before the President ordered us to stay at home), and the opposite of that ad is happening to me. I got back to Weight Watchers and it’s working smoothly because I can control everything I eat, while normally I’m always having lunch with a friend or a glass of wine with the girls. I’m doing ten minutes of yoga a day, not much, but before I did… nothing. I already look better. And around me (on WhatsApp) friends are doing the same. Even my husband says he’s going back on the treadmill (it didn’t happen yet though).

      3. Laure001*

        As to your other question, will people be kind or awful, of course both is the right answer, but around me I experienced only kindness and concern for now.

      4. nep*

        A friend texted me that pic yesterday.
        I hear your concern. Sounds trite, but it’s up to individuals whether things will get ugly or not. And I truly believe that kindness begets kindness–or at least begets civility.

        1. nep*

          And oops–realising I shouldn’t have responded as all this should be up in the proper thread.

      5. Not So NewReader*

        My aunt shared a tidbit of advice with me that is applicable to many situations.
        The general idea is that if you are able to see where there might be a problem in the future, then you have been granted the opportunity to mitigate or eliminate that problem now.

        I have my fridge loaded with fruits and veggies. If I start grazing there is nothing else to graze on, I have no choice other than fruits or veggies. Years ago I learned how to eat a box of cookies in one sitting. I can’t unlearn that. I can however keep the cookies out of the house.

        Willpower is not a given. It’s a thing we build up. I noticed I have better self-discipline or will power when I am rested. So I work at setting myself up for a good night’s sleep. For me, will power is a form of strength. So I like to think about ways of building up strength. Good foods, rest, proper hydration. Down time is important to me. Time out from everything can be whatever you want- a computer game, a good book, a craft, calling a friend or playing with your pets (if you have pets). I plan on down time as something I must do to keep my mind set built up.

        It’s not easy. A tool I have used over and over is I tell myself, “The choices I make today will impact tomorrow and many more of my tomorrows. I can’t make today any better than what it is, but I can build a better tomorrow.” At some point we will get out of this. Hopefully we will all be a bit wiser and we will learn to be more grateful and not take basic stuff for granted.

      6. MOAS*

        I think more people will be kind which will make the ugliness stand out more. Definitely seeing this in my work related groups.

      7. NaoNao*

        I know gaining weight is a common worry when you’re stuck at home, but I’d like to add to the voices that say they’re losing or maintaining right now! I was getting a super sugary Starbucks “coffee” and a 500 cal breakfast sandwich every morning and calorie-bomb takeout for lunch every day. This was interspersed with snacks and more coffees and then a late dinner every day.

        Now I’m making meals mostly from scratch and I’m on a strict plan with my SO: three reasonable meals a day and 2 snacks and that’s it. I have divided up my snack food into baggies that are one serving size—and those are what we get for snacks—no foraging in the fridge. We have a small shelf of “unlimited” items like tea, coffee, Jello, stir-in flavors for water, nuts/seeds, and fizzy tablets of supplements for a pick me up if we need one.

        I’ve seen an **immediate** drop in weight–mostly water/bloat but I literally lost most of a burgeoning pooch in like 3 days. I also have acid reflux mostly under control and have so much more energy (not to mention money!).

        My SO and I are taking this time to “reset” our unhealthy relationship with food and dial back the endless flow of ultra high calorie takeout/resto food we were indulging in due to crazy schedules.

        1. MOAS*

          Same, the only “silver lining” i kind of see is that I’m not sneaking desserts and sweets while I’m at work. Family at home is strict (rightfully so in this case) about having sweets at home. Food is my comfort, so I hate that my comfort is gone, but for the better I suppose

        2. Meepmeep*

          My wife is losing weight too. No sweets, no going out for unhealthy food, and plenty of veggies and other healthy stuff at home. We are doing a vegetarian lunch every day. I’m wondering how much weight she’ll end up losing.

      8. Rebecca*

        I’m so lucky, I live in a rural area, so I can still go outside and walk, go hiking, etc. and still be compliant with social distancing and quarantine. I’m trying not to sit and mindlessly eat things, although I got some chips, sunflower seeds in the shell, stuff like that, because it’s nice to have a little bit of comfort food. I’m focusing on checking on my neighbors, going for walks, and keeping my distance. Grateful for my cats, too, it’s nice to snuggle up with a purring kitty.

      9. Lockdown*

        I completely misunderstood. I thought the woman had starved. I was confused about the comments. And when I finally understood I honestly had a hard time taking it seriously. Sorry it is not a problem if your fridge is too full.

        1. MOAS*

          Granted a full fridge is better than an empty fridge and I truly feel for people who have issues getting food…..but eating disorders/binge eating are an issue too. Let’s not minimize peoples dietary struggles.

          Also I’ve seen the same or similar meme, and I find them silly/funny.

        2. Kiwi with laser beams*

          Oh my God, I’m glad I haven’t seen that meme. I would roll my eyes so hard that I’d need to visit my ophthalmologist, and the medical system probably doesn’t need another casualty (and I say this as someone who DOES have medical-level weight issues).

      10. Quinalla*

        I hear you, I’m sensitive too and also introverted, so I’m making sure to exercise to relieve stress (any weight loss is just a side effect, the stress is what I want to relieve), keeping to a loose routine, getting some alone time as I’m at home with my 3 kids and husband and keeping my mind active and trying to keep busy with things like organizing, baking, cleaning, etc.. My husband is doing the same with cooking, baking, cleaning, etc. too to keep busy. Luckily, I can do 95% of my job from home, so that is helping a lot with that. We are playing even more board and computer games than normal too. I also am making sure to get outside at least once a day, even if just on our screened porch – so nice to have this right now – and make sure the kids do too. We have a big yard and are at the end of a cul-d-sac so we can be in our yard and still be practicing social distancing even if our neighbors are outside.

        As far as people getting kinder or meaner, it will be both, always both. There will be some fatigue and burnout set in for some of course that are trying to be kind which is why it is important to not overdo it. But that is easy to say and hard to do, I know!

    3. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      What have you stocked up on that’s not on the usual rice-and-beans list? My mother’s freezer is full of imported butter and my cousin bought a lobe of bottarga (fish roe). I can’t judge—our food shopping was a little more sensible, but then my partner and I ordered $300 worth of high-quality jigsaw puzzles.

        1. nep*

          You’re not alone. Heard a piece on NPR the other day…people are having to cross state lines to find ammo. Hoping the scenario folks are preparing for never comes.

        2. Rebecca*

          I did an ammo check, in pretty good shape, and I’m cleaning the Ithaca 37 pump shotgun today along with my hunting rifle. It won’t hurt, it will give me something to do, and hoping I need neither.

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            Most of my family lives in the rural cold country now, and the generation before that was born not far from you. And yes, my 91 year old mom was a crack shot in her day (her vision is fine, her balance is not, now). My dad, brother, nephew – all hunt, and one of my family members works at a meat locker now. (Which we didn’t need because my family bartered the meat cutting skills we had, for even more meat). Everyone hunts. And if needed, fishes. Cans. Has a garden. And makes incredible bread, jams, and pies/other baked goods. An interesting family – reading the “new yorker,” visiting museums… and basically living off the land for food.

            So yes,the first stop the family made was to make sure there was enough ammo. Because you are allowed to hunt on your own land…. and if one is unemployed, you can always feed your family.

          2. Rebecca*

            If I have to hunt for meat, yes. I have about 2 months worth of meat in the deep freeze, not much for around here, I know people who have a year’s worth. I have access to farm eggs at our feed mill, which will remain open as it’s a life sustaining business for animals. There are a lot of Amish farms here, too, so I can get raw milk there. Just have to drive to get it. Plus there are about a zillion squirrels (hence the shotgun) and although it might be odd for some here, I actually like to eat them. And the rifle, for a deer if needed, that I will share with my neighbors. No, I’m not guarding toilet paper :) and I’m not planning to shoot the virus! Glad I live where I do – I know every one of my neighbors by sight, what vehicles they drive, etc. so it will be easy to spot people who are up to no good, like the fake Red Cross people I’ve heard about going door to door.

                1. Rebecca*

                  Exactly, I live in the country, and we are normally prepared for power outages and supply interruption. We have 1 Walmart supercenter in our county and several smaller grocery stores for 37,000+ people. I have friends who never buy meat at the store, they hunt and keep chickens, pigs, butcher cows, etc. It’s a totally different type of lifestyle. I do love my internet and modern comforts, but am glad I live where I live. I’ve never seen stores here literally stripped of stock on an ongoing basis. Glad the trucks and trains are still delivering!

                  And I don’t waste aluminum foil on making hats.

                3. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

                  I was just thinking the other day how farmers and hunters are laughing at the rest of us. THEY know they can take care of themselves and their families. The rest of us do not know how to hunt our Doritos in the wild.

                4. Elizabeth West*

                  Yeah, this is a thing there even when everything is going good. Rural folks are used to doing for themselves.

              3. MO42*

                As gsa just said, “Things will get uglier and some people will be noticeable kinder. Kind people are always kind, just not always noticed.”

            2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              I hear a lot of snide comments about people who are buying guns and ammo, and it just bemuses me that so many don’t get it. I am very much a gun control advocate but if I were in the US right now I would have long since been taking classes on how to use a gun and do it safely. There are so many people who are ready to attack others for various reasons and in a rapidly deteriorating situation like this I would want to be prepared for the worst.

              And of course the ability to hunt might be a useful skill if you are staying away from other people as much as possible, or food shortages.

              1. ThatGirl*

                People who buy guns for self defense against supposed mobs are part of the problem, not the solution.

                1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

                  It is the same dilemma as nuclear weapons and mutually assured destruction, IMHO. If you are the only one with no defense, then you become the target.

              2. Cat*

                A fun you buy for self defense is more likely to be used to hurt someone in your family than it is for self defense. Obviously hunting is different.

            1. Arts Akimbo*

              LOL, OMG have I lived this scenario! The zucchini apocalypse, Night of the Living Squash! Neighbor comes shambling over, arms laden and says, “It’s for… BREADS…!”

            3. KoiFeeder*

              You joke, but the zucchini-pocalypse my mom planted did get used for target practice!

              With swords, though. No shooting anything near the koi pond.

      2. MistOrMister*

        Masa flour, grits, olives and canned artichokes. And, accidentally, potatoes. All the potatoes in the fricking world ffs. When I went shopping last week and everything was sold out, there was a 10 pound bag of potatoes left and I thought, potatoes are good! Then i got home and went to put them away….and found i still had half a previous 10 pound bag. Because I am a dumbo apparently. I am now trying to unload potatoes on my friend!

          1. MistOrMister*

            I have zero freezer space. I was thinking of making some to dehydrate, though. Not sure how well it will reconstitute…

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              Stored in a cool dark place with some airflow, potatoes keep well. They grow well in containers on patios from the ones that sprout in storage. And around here, potatoes and flour are both flying off the shelves like toilet paper.

        3. Buni*

          Homemade crisps (‘chips’ to you, I suspect). I do love a home-fried crisp, you can add whatever flavour you like, and they’ll keep for a bit (not that mine ever seem to last…)

        4. Jaid*

          I ordered groceries from Whole Food Amazon and they subbed Skinny Pop Popcorn for jelly beans. And tossed in a pound of heirloom cherry tomatoes for funsies.

          2. totally at risk*

            Well at least they shipped. Mine sent me a note, no deliveries but I can pick up. I am immune compromised so no, not going out. sigh. Friends are bring me stuff. I am not in need but “the grocery store was my happy place”

        5. Jedi Squirrel*

          If you can’t wait until dinner for your taco fix, you can make spicy fried potatoes for breakfast.

          Chop up potatoes, fry until crispish. Add some taco seasoning and a bit of water to dissolve (maybe two tablespoons of each). Cook until the water is gone, and then cook until the potatoes are crispy again, although they won’t be as crisp as before. Serve in a warmed up tortilla (cheese is optional, but lovely) as a breakfast taco.

        6. Arts Akimbo*

          Olives! I am apparently the only person in my neighborhood who wants canned black olives during a crisis! The shelves are bare, except for all these olives! Moar for me!

      3. Anne Kaffeekanne*

        My favourite teas. Now that I’m working from home I drink at least 5 cups a day so I go through a lot of tea. Only one grocery store here even has my favourite kind and even they don’t always have it, so I went home with several weeks’ worth of tea.

        1. Jen in Oregon*

          I just made a $52 order of tea as well. Drinking 4-5 cups of herbal tea at night is the only thing keeping me from eating our 2 months of food stores within a week.

          2. Julia*

            People always look at me like I must be super rich when I buy 100$ worth of tea per quarter (they have limited seasonal editions, and they’re so good!), but I rarely drink coffee or alcohol and making my own tea at home comes out much cheaper than buying drinks, especially if I also carry my own thermos most days.

      4. Meepmeep*

        We went through our pantry. We are apparently fully stocked up on chia seeds. Neither of us remembers acquiring 3 packages of chia seeds, and neither of us knows what to do with them.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Ah man! I wish I’d know this…I just tossed a package of chia seeds! I have the cocoa powder and sweetener.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            I made this a bunch from a recipe someone else posted here. Not cocoa flavored, but with a bit of honey and some fruit, it was a nice desk breakfast.

            I like to sprinkle them on my yogurt or oatmeal.

        3. Amethystmoon*

          There’s always making overnight chia. If you have milk, or plant milk, you can add 2 tbsp. chia to every half-cup of milk. Let sit in fridge overnight and eat for breakfast or snacks. If you have canned fruit, or even fresh or frozen, it will go well on your chia pudding.

      5. Ranon*

        Popsicles, ramen and Gatorade. Because if we actually come down with this thing I want my favorite sick bed foods in my house.

        3. The Other Dawn*

          Sadly there is no ramen to be had in my area. Granted, I’m talking about the super cheap packages for like 25 cents that you cook on the stove, which is likely why they’re nowhere to be found.

        4. Juli G.*

          Yep, I stashed a bunch of ginger ale where the family can’t find in case of illness (you can probably guess – we live in Michigan).

          1. Ranon*

            Oh yeah, we got the good stuff with real ginger- I figure we’ll either be glad to have it or we’ll make some nice cocktails when we’re through the worst of this

      6. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        Salmon patties, shrimps and morcilla vasca. Too bad the supermarket I bought them is not nearby our home, so they count as a treat.

      7. Campfire Raccoon*

        I tried to buy only things that we need or normally eat, but I have 5 kids (3 of my own 2 of the neighbor’s). I don’t keep junk food in the house at all: usually I’ll give the kids money for a harder chore, and they’ll ride down to Circle K to pick out their own snacks. I realized once they figured out they can’t leave the house, morale would be LOW. So I did a run to the store for snacks only. Thankfully that isle was still fully stocked – and now I have an entire locked cabinet in the garage of snacks.

      8. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        Ice cream, though I’ve already gone from “good, I have lots” to “we need chocolate ice cream.” (What I have is strawberry, ginger, and a little bit of black raspberry.)

        Other than that, what I bought and don’t usually is canned fruit, high-protein cereal, a can of sardines… Mostly I just got more of things I use anyway, because I don’t want to be sitting there staring at practical or easy-to-store foods I never eat.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          So YOU’RE the one who keeps buying all the chocolate ice cream before peapod can get it to me!

        2. CastIrony*

          I want to get ice cream, but I tell myself I don’t really need it and it’s not worth the risk.

        3. The Other Dawn*

          I’m stuck with a half gallon of maple walnut ice cream, which I don’t eat and neither does my husband. I bought it for my cousin’s visit this week, but Amtrak cancelled her train. I’m thinking I’ll bring it to work once I’m off medical leave. I don’t to throw it away.

      9. anon24*

        Before this all blew up when it looked pretty certain it was coming to the US I shelled out for 6 months of canned pet food for my cats. If there’s shortages at least they will eat, and if not it’s not like it will go bad. I also have a couple extra bags of cat litter on hand just in case that stuff gets hard to find.

      10. Puffle*

        I’ve got extra supplies of my cat’s prescription food- I can eat whatever, but she has to have a specific diet.

        Made a very British discovery though. I was a little concerned as I’ve run out of my usual tea, so I did an inventory of the cupboards: I’ve already got 2 tins of leaf tea, and 4 boxes of teabags. I think I’ll survive somehow!

        1. KR*

          I feel you on the prescription food. My first thought when I heard about the supply chain issues was if I had enough of my dogs medicine.

      11. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I already had bought a few months worth of my noodle bowls for lunch at work, so now I’ve started making them here at home, but it’ll probably take me 4-5 months to finish those. I’ve ordered smokehouse almonds and Cadbury creme eggs from Amazon (no rush shipping, of course) and put them on my Subscribe & Save list, because they will last a damned long time, and I can probably get by on almost anything if I can treat myself to those as a snack/dessert.

      12. PhyllisB*

        Haven’t stockpiled anything, but was wanting to get ground beef to make tacos yesterday, and none to be had. This is getting ridiculous.

          1. MomToVegetarian&Celiacs*

            You would think! But we’ve been looking for tofu for days and can’t find it anywhere (we’re currently on day 5 of shelter-in-place; hopefully it comes back into stock soon). At least gluten free pasta has been easy to find…

            1. Marmaduke*

              Yeah, I can’t find any GF bread in my town, but so far the pasta is holding out. Praying that holds up.

            2. AvonLady Barksdale*

              Same! We only eat vegetarian at home and I usually get two blocks of tofu a week. There is none to be had in my neighborhood. We went to a Wegmans in the burbs last night and managed to get two blocks of silken, which is fine but can’t be roasted.

              I’m making my own seitan today as a project but also because I need more options than eggs and beans.

              1. Sam I Am*

                “We only eat vegetarians at home” is what I read. Gotta slow my roll on the skimming…

          2. Shakti*

            Everywhere is out of tofu and vegetarian proteins! It’s really frustrating because we’re vegetarian and just trying to buy reasonable amounts of food and everything is sold out!

      13. Clisby*

        A couple of weeks extra of toilet paper (I always keep 2 weeks worth on hand, and now have at least a month’s supply). Nothing else. The only shortages I’ve noticed are toilet paper and (in some stores, but not most) paper towels. And hand sanitizer. I can see that the grocery stores I go to occasionally are really low on some particular type of meat, but so far I haven’t looked for any food I can’t find.

        1. Worked in IT forever*

          I wish I knew how to colour my hair. I always get it done by my hairdresser, and I doubt that’ll be possible for a while where I live. I’m sure I’ll botch it up if I try it myself. I did buy my trusty root touchup powder, though.

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            I posted a little about it last weekend on the open thread, in a comment. Take a look. I can post more next weekend (I hope). Look for my name (yeah, sorry, wrote a lot… but one really good comment on hair color, years of experience with using the pro stuff at home, brush and bowl).

      15. KoiFeeder*

        I… bought a gameboy.

        Like, technically I can defend my purchase, but I still bought an entire gameboy.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Oh, for sure. It’s the limited edition kyogre gameboy that I always wanted, from a dude that refurbishes gameboys, so if there’s any issues I can yeet it back to him and get repairs. So I’m very happy, and I’m going to play so much pokemon sapphire.

            It just feels a little silly, you know?

            1. Julia*

              Honestly, I am so glad I have my Switch (and the newly released Pokémon Mystery Dungeon), plus playing online with other people feels less isolating.

        2. Wired Wolf*

          I broke down and bought myself a Switch…but I’m still gonna have to fight mom for the TV. We’re in a one-bedroom while our regular place is being renovated, work was supposed to start April 1 but now it may be postponed. She got the bedroom and the living room is large enough that I have just under half as my “room” but the lack of any sort of door is going to get irritating I can tell.

          A neighbor who plays Minecraft wants to set up a server for the building…I’m rebuilding my computer anyway so could probably use the old one to run that.

      16. AnonoDoc*

        LOL, it was before coronavirus even made the first human sick, but we have at least a year’s supply of green coffee beans (because Mr. Anono’s new obsession is home roasting and all the descriptions are SOOOOOO tempting) So we may run out of food but we will be well-caffeinated!

      17. Overeducated*

        Kid’s craft supplies (paint, popsicle sticks, googly eyes, pipe cleaners, etc). I hate crafts but I’ve got a preschooler to keep busy 24/7, so….

      18. Amy*

        Chicken feed. Our last trip to the outside world before locking down our household was to the feed store since Amazon was selling $10 bags of feed for $50 apiece (talk about price gouging). Gotta keep our girls fed – because we love them, AND their eggs are a reliable source of protein in these crazy times!

        Also sidewalk chalk for the little one, which is now pretty much sold out online.

      19. Nicki Name*

        Oranges. They’ll keep a while, and it doesn’t feel right starting my day without one.

      20. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I’ve managed to buy a lot of sardines over the past few months. I like them but my husband doesn’t, so I was mostly planning to eat them myself when I’m on my own but now we will both be here for months, I expect. So he might have to deal.

        I also have accumulated three jars of roasted peppers, four bottles of hot sauce, and three bottles of soy sauce. None of that was deliberate stocking up, I just went in for something else and thought “Oh I might be out of that” and now I have a ton.

      22. noahwynn*

        Strawberries. I’ll be eating them everyday this week. They’re so good and only $1.19.

        1. Misty*

          I have a group of friends who (before the virus) used to hang out in person once a week, the person who hosted the event would seriously have four to six different types of lemonade every single time we hung out. I never understood it lol

        3. Sam I Am*

          Lemonade was the one ingredient missing from my list to make my signature cocktail yesterday.
          #kitchenblunder

      24. Not A Manager*

        Jigsaw puzzles, a sewing machine, crochet hooks, fabric and yarn.

        Electrolyte powder, blood oximeter.

        Everclear.

      25. Senior Montoya*

        I finally checked the freezer in my hub’s beer fridge — apparently I thought I was going to do a lot more baking back over the winter holidays, because I have enough butter to last til the next millienum.

      26. Talia*

        A giant Lindor truffle that was on after-Valentine’s sale. I can only assume that what’s inside is a bunch of smaller Lindor truffles because I don’t see how you’d get something that giant with the gel fillings that are usually in them to stay intact long enough to eat it.

      27. Anonymous Educator*

        I wish people wouldn’t stock up on anything. The supply chain hasn’t changed, but the demand has gotten ridiculous. I didn’t panic-buy toilet paper, and recently I had to get more toilet paper just because it would be the normal time to get more toilet paper. No toilet paper at the chain stores. No toilet paper at the locally owned small stores. No toilet paper anywhere. Can’t buy it online. People have to stop this ridiculousness. Fortunately, I managed to randomly stumble on (by just driving around) a “dollar” store that sells toilet paper and limits them to two packs per customer.

        Can we not make things like Mad Max prematurely?

        2. RagingADHD*

          Yes, the panic hoarding is counterproductive, but having an extra week or 2 worth of necessities isn’t unreasonable, particularly in view of possibly needing to shelter in place or be quarantined.

          If everyone was just reasonable about it, there would still be plenty.

      28. NoLongerYoung*

        7# of Lavazza coffee beans (super cheap at business costco, folks… especially compared to Keurig cup coffee).

    4. Crazy Broke Asian*

      I read the Dear Therapist’s Guide to Staying Sane During a Pandemic, written by Lori Gottlieb, earlier this week, and I’m immensely grateful for it. I’d been feeling a bit guilty for enjoying WFH and the bonus leisure time when the world is struggling with the virus. The column’s both/and framing was very helpful. Definitely recommend it!

      1. Canuck girl*

        Thanks for this, really appreciate it… just read it and it gave me a sense of sanity and peace…even tho the nagging anxiety is still there lol, but, framing it the way Gottlieb did, helped me.

      3. AnonoDoc*

        Enjoying work from home is exactly what we need you to do! You are doing your part in the war effort!

      4. old curmudgeon*

        My son sent me an email with the subject line “Cool thing from the Rotterdam Philharmonic” that puts a whole new spin on WFH. It brought tears to my eyes, and even though the link will probably put this in the moderation queue, I am sharing it here. My kid’s email reads:

        They telecomm’d to perform The Ode To Joy. You can turn Closed Captioning on in YouTube if you want to see the translation of their message at the beginning.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eXT60rbBVk&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR3kkIsgVFYK4JbEsBb4o4QwkcgUFCOkhApwz_kcJHtA3u5QU35CIy2IL58&app=desktop

    5. Scc@rlettNZ*

      The NZ government announced a four level alert system to try and prevent the spread of Covid-19. We are currently at level 2 but I personally think it should be at level 3 (which would mean schools closed and non-essential businesses working from home).

      We have one chance to get ahead of this thing and I really hope those in charge aren’t leaving it too late.

      1. MistOrMister*

        I wish the US would go into a mandatory lockdown. We’re beyond the point where we need it. It is unfortunate that as long as the government doesn’t implement the stronger options, this thing keeps spreading almost exponentially. It looks like for every person trying to practice social distancing, you’ve got however many more saying this is a hoax or won’t impact them and going to crowded places. It’s scary. I can do everything right for weeks or months and all it takes is one boob coughing in my face in Giant and now I’m infected…

        1. Tau*

          Over here in Germany, I’m feeling conflicted about lockdowns. Some states already have them, mine doesn’t… but frankly, the measures we’ve taken and the official recommendations are such that if people followed them, it should actually be just as effective but still leave people a little room for flexibility. And most people do seem to be following them! But you keep hearing reports of young people gathering in groups in the park sharing a beer bottle (!) and people having “corona parties” and, like, at that point? I too am hoping for a mandatory lockdown.

            1. Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

              I’m in Florida. That made me so mad. Beaches should have been closed from the start. It’s not like we didn’t know they were coming.

              1. OhBehave*

                I have friends in Florida who plead with people to stay home. Some ignored them. A friend is have a great vacation there, posting pics, etc. She is not getting much response!

          2. Asenath*

            In my part of Canada we have almost no cases, and the ones we have are from travellers, so, so far, no community transmission. That we know of. We’re pretty much shut down anyway. Everything I usually do (except grocery shopping, which I don’t need to do because I always have lots of the basics) is shut down, although one online course is still going ahead. It was offered face-to-face as well, but now, obviously, it isn’t. So I’m pretty well in quarantine because there’s almost nowhere to go and nothing to do! The people I know best are pretty compliant, probably because they tend to be older and some are caring for family members who are at risk, but at least two cancelled vacations to well-known spring holiday destinations. I’ve heard from both that many, many people are still going there with all the holiday crowds and are not worried about corona virus!! I catch myself thinking that we are going to far – but then I remind myself how viruses spread and what’s happened in other places. Economically, this is a disaster too – I’m OK, but a lot of people are losing income and businesses are losing money and I’m not sure that the assistance programs will make it all up.

            1. Anon for this*

              I’m in Ontario, and we officially only have cases from travellers or close contacts of diagnosed cases too…because in order to get swabbed and therefore make it onto the case count, you have to be symptomatic *and* have either a recent travel history or close contact with a diagnosed case. There are almost certainly thousands of community-acquired cases in the province, we just don’t know who or where they are because we’re not looking for them. You should assume you have community transmission in your province and (continue to) act accordingly.

              1. Asenath*

                I agree, I think there’s little doubt that there are community cases in Newfoundland that haven’t been detected yet. I think they’re setting up more testing sites this week, but they are still going to have nurses screen the people who want to be tested. I suppose that makes sense, that they want to use the tests for the sickest and most at risk people first. I doubt the have enough supplies to test everyone.

          3. Myrin*

            Yeah, I’ve had my fist day of lockdown today! *waves to the north*

            I actually have a special… voucher (I guess?) from my employer, a drugstore, allowing me to go to and from work because we’re “systemrelevant” but in any case, I’m a very unexciting person and other than this strange gloomy feeling in the back of my head, this won’t change my life significantly.

            I gotta say, though, that I’m surprised you see most people following the recommendations and stuff because honestly, at least here, people 100% brought this onto themselves. I mean, maybe it’s because I’m from a big tourist-y region, but while I did see overall fewer people out and about during the last week, there were still so many people just going hiking in big groups or chilling at the lake or taking their kids on bike tours and I’m just like “can you not pls”. I’ve seen more unreasonableness and selfishness during the last few days than I really care for. :|

            1. Tau*

              *waves to the south* Hi there! Hope lockdown is treating you well, I’m now expecting to join you there come Monday!

              Honestly, we were out again today and now I kind of want to take it back. /o\ I had the impression that the measures were having more and more of an impact as the week went on and that yesterday the city was basically a ghost town, but today there were loads of people out and about…

              …but it’s actually super hard to estimate what that means, because basically everyone was in groups of <4 people. So, like, are these families who already live together and are getting some sun and fresh air while keeping their distance from everyone else (which, to be fair, my parents and I were also doing), or are people meeting up? I really can't say. I definitely get the impression that everyone in my social circle is taking this ultra seriously, but I'm having a hard time getting a grip on the mood of the general population.

              Definitely agreed on the unreasonableness and selfishness that's been on evidence, though. I'm _really_ hoping it's sunk in by now. One of the local Verbindung houses (er, the closest equivalent to this is probably a fraternity for the non-Germans) had a party last weekend and today dropped a letter in our mailbox offering to do the shopping in the neighbourhood who's at risk. Something of a turnaround there! (My mother: no way will those plague-ridden guys come near our doorstep…)

              1. Anne Kaffeekanne*

                [waves all around north and south] we’re not in lockdown yet either and I thought today was waaaayyy better than earlier this week, I have hope yet! I went for a long walk (all by myself) and saw only one bigger group in those 2.5h – everyone was either also on their own, couples, or very obviously families.

          4. Julia*

            Yeah, I hear from my family in Germany and can’t imagine what is going on right now, because Japan is pretty much business as usual.

        2. WellRed*

          The city manager shut down all bars and restaurants for St Pats. A bartender at a nearby town posted on FB: Hey, city’s closed, come celebrate with us! The gov has since ordered them all closed. For the record, pretty much no one else took bartender up on the suggestion.

        3. 653-CXK*

          The only thing a mandatory lockdown would do is have a vicious rebound effect once it’s lifted.

          A lockdown would give the people the false sense of security for only a limited amount of time…then when the lockdown is lifted and people think it’s all over is when the virus hits very hard, because the virus bided its time for a fresh environment to strike.

            1. ThatGirl*

              That’s because they have extensive testing in place, so they know who needs to stay home. All of this distancing would be less necessary if we had mass testing.

          2. AnonoDoc*

            It at least buys us more time to get supplies. And hopefully to flatten the curve. We are already a few days from being overwhelmed, and I am not in a part of the country that is a real hot-spot. This is real and we need this YESTERDAY.

            1. AnonoDoc*

              My hospital is literally begging the general public to donate anything that can be used as personal protective equipment. And the CDC is telling us health care front-line workers to use BANDANAS when we run out of face masks. I just cannot say strongly enough how serious this situation is!

              1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                There is at least one facebook group now dedicated to people sewing face masks for distribution to hospitals and such. I’ve heard conflicting things on how useful they are but I will probably see if I have any suitable fabric around the house and make a few.

              2. Professor Plum*

                Look for the Facebook group Crafting Relief for America. Instructions and patterns for those who sew and a system to get the masks where needed. Plus there’s a request form for organizations to request DIY face masks.

        4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I am really dreading what might happen in the US. So many places are utterly unprepared to have a lot of sick people at once, and so many have little or no access to health care. I know we talk about it a lot on here but man, it is really worrying. I’m afraid I might lose a lot of relatives in the next few months. :-(

        5. Dan*

          As a country, I do not want to see a total lock down. I do think the major densely packed cities (hi NYC!) have their own problems and thus their own solutions, but I don’t think that the solution they need is appropriate everywhere.

          I live in the suburbs of a major US city, where my lifestyle pretty much always has me social distanced. I’m an introvert and really do want to live by myself, but I do not want home confinement. I do want to be able to get out and get some exercise, and would like to get takeout and do what I can to keep some local businesses afloat.

          1. Tau*

            FWIW, most (all?) lockdowns in Europe have exceptions for things like personal exercise and going to buy essentials (food and medicine, mainly). I’m expecting them to declare one here any day now and I’m praying they’ll follow suit because I would like to spent 30 minutes or so on my bike pretending I have a commute each day.

          2. Oxford Comma*

            My state now is effectively in lockdown. You can leave to get groceries, go to the pharmacy, your doctors. You can get takeout or have food delivery. You are allowed to run, ride your bike, walk. I just wish we had done it sooner.

            1. tangerineRose*

              I’m still surprised more people don’t do this on their own. Once it was clear it was a problem, I’ve been isolating myself except for groceries and medicine kind of things. Who wants to get sick and/or start a pandemic? Also, when I have gone out, I’ve had disinfectant wipes with me and wiped down anything I touched and my hands.

          3. Salymander*

            The area I live in is currently under a shelter in place order, and it is ok to go out for exercise so long as you maintain social distancing. Actually, a lot of people are walking every day that never really did before. We can go to the grocery store or pharmacy as well. It is really not too bad. If it helps to slow the spread of the disease, so that the healthcare system is not overwhelmed by huge numbers all getting sick at once, then I am happy to stay home.

      2. PurpleMonster*

        Also in NZ – I think it will be at level 3 or 4 sometime next week. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just to introduce people to the new alert system and prime us for the later stages soon. Slamming us into stage 4 would just create mass panic and we don’t need any more of that after my last trip to Pak n Save.

    6. Vic tower*

      My stress buckets are so full right now I cried at work yesterday. I’m 17 weeks pregnant, my husband had to have major emergency surgery two weeks ago and then needed readmission for a complication. And at work I’m head of a hospital department (I’m a doctor) so I’m going to loads of extra meetings about corona virus to try to plan our response. Plus all my usual clinical load. I want to be a leader so others can feel supported and encouraged but I am so close to my limits.
      I’ve wanted to be a mum for such a long time and I was so looking forward to being pregnant and savouring it. And now it feels like the most awful time and I find it so hard to just be happy about the good stuff.
      How is everyone else coping?

      1. Laure001*

        So sorry Vic Tower, you are in a very tough situation! Of course you cannot relax right, it will be better when you are reassured about your husband’s health….

      2. Pigeon*

        Hi Vic, I don’t know if you will see this but you’ll be in my thoughts. I hope you can find moments of joy and and we are so grateful for everything you are doing.

      3. Jules the 3rd*

        By prioritizing what I can make happen, and forgiving myself on what I can’t.

        Try do do an hour of your favorite thing on your next day off. Also try to take a small, meaningful break daily – maybe turn off your phone for 15 minutes? The ‘always on’ situation, of working a health care front line job in a pandemic while also pregnant and caring for your husband, is a level of tension on top of the work, see if you can give yourself even a tiny break from it.

        Deepest sympathy.

      4. OtterB*

        Sympathies! This is stress on top of stress. My situation is much easier, but all I can suggest is mini-breaks. A few minutes of meditative breathing (in – hold – out to a rhythmic count). Notice the small good things: a flower, a smile.

        Wishing the best for you, your husband, and your colleagues.

      5. AnonoDoc*

        I am so sorry! The number of meetings and the number of times a day everything changes (I am also a dept head, which is why I come hear to learn the management side!) is so stressful, and my family are all healthy!

        Virtual shoulder to cry on here.

      6. AnonoDoc*

        another ps — I decided after complete chaos on Thursday that I need to stay calm to keep my staff calm and carrying on, but also, the future is uncertain, and if this is going to kill me, then I sure as heck do not want to spend my last days/months in a panic. So I am making sure I walk outside — even if it for 5 minutes! and enjoy the early bulbs starting to come up, the birds coming back. I am cuddling my husband more than ever. And looking for humor where I can find it.

        Assuming your meetings have all moved to virtual — look for the “teleconference bingo” meme going around. I think yesterday I hit all but one multiple times!

      7. AnonoDoc*

        another ps — I decided after complete chaos on Thursday that I need to stay calm to keep my staff calm and carrying on, but also, the future is uncertain, and if this is going to kill me, then I sure as heck do not want to spend my last days/months in a panic. So I am making sure I walk outside — even if it for 5 minutes! and enjoy the early bulbs starting to come up, the birds coming back. I am cuddling my husband more than ever. And looking for humor where I can find it.

        Assuming your meetings have all moved to virtual — look for the “teleconference bingo” meme going around. I think yesterday I hit all but one multiple times!

        Arrrgh having trouble posting again.

      8. Sam I Am*

        I’m thinking of you.
        Remember that being happy during hard times and being sad during bright times are emotions. They can conflict with each other and make you feel guilty for being the opposite of how you might expect yourself to feel. But they’re emotions, and they’ll come and go as they like. So when you have the joy, feel the joy. When you have the sad, feel the sad. Forgive yourself for feeling both at the same time when it happens.. it can be confusing! This is an amazing time for you, and I’m rooting for you!

        Good luck to you, your family, and on and on into the world.

    7. MistOrMister*

      Anyone else enjoying the social distancing and feeling guilty about it? Working from home is a dream for me. I’m near my cats all day, can wear comfy clothes (I’m still getting dressed….have not yet joined the no pants for X days club,ha!), toss my robe on top for warmth and coziness, and have my meals freshly cooked instead of having to pre-make and heat at the office. I’m already not one who goes out a whole lot and I’m talking to my friends (via text or IM) the same amount as before, so I’m not feeling isolated. I might feel differently if we were actually locked down and not allowed to leave our houses. But for now, I am enjoying myself. And it makes me feel bad because I know the social distancing is tough on a lot of people. Not to mention, it feels like taking enjoyment in the pain of others since this is only possible because of a serious illness that is causing a lot of pain and suffering.

      1. Laure001*

        I have been self quarantined for ten days and I love it. My husband and I work easily from home, I get a lot done, I write more fanfiction:) :) in my free time, and I am saving a lot of money from restaurants and cafés. I know though that I am extroverted enough that I’m going to miss my friends soon. And I will miss going to a great restaurant with a cosy atmosphere and good wine…! But basically, yes, I enjoy it. :)

      2. Anne Kaffeekanne*

        It’s tough for me, but it helps me a lot to hear that it’s really good for other people. Please keep enjoying yourself, please don’t feel guilty!

      3. Outside Earthling*

        Yes, I am enjoying the altered lifestyle. I don’t think you should feel guilty. It’s a very different thing from enjoying the crisis itself. I am single and don’t have kids so I don’t have the difficulties others have around childcare and finding a quiet space to work. My favorite things in life are reading novels, listening to music, watching Netflix and doing jigsaws. Now I get to do more of that. Also, I’ve been dealing with quite a lot of family-related angst and boundary crossing recently and it’s just easier to manage that and disengage now. So yes, I am taking to the changes well. That could all change in a heartbeat of course if I or people I love become unwell but for now, I am enjoying doing more of the things that make me happy. It’s nice to see there are others out there who feel similarly!

      4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It’s not really any different for me. I left my house about once every two weeks before. My only real impact is that we were supposed to be leaving for Disneyworld this afternoon for my husband’s 40th birthday, and he’d been looking forward to that for a year and a half :(

        1. Max Kitty*

          Lots of sympathy on the missed birthday visit! The same thing is likely to happen to me, except Disneyland. I’m going to pick an “alternate birthday” date in the summer and go then, wear the birthday button, and do all the special things I was going to do on my birthday trip.

      5. Not So NewReader*

        As a kid if my parents sent me to my room, it did not feel like punishment at all. I think as an adult my enjoyment of my own house is an extension of the earlier “denning” thing I enjoyed. It’s comforting to me in some ways.

        I think the best we can do is when others reach out to us, either online or by phone, we can make the effort to chat with them. Eh, we never know how we are reassuring others just by being willing to spend some time with them.

        My older friend is concerned because she heard that very soon we will not be allowed to have people in our houses. So I suggested we wait until the warmest part of the day and sit outside in our own lawn chairs a bit apart from each other. We can visit and chat that way. We will see how this idea goes for us.

      6. MOAS*

        I don’t think you should feel guilty about it. my default mode has been everyone is suffering through this. I know there are people who normally live like this and that’s cool but I definitely also feel that being forced to do what you like is different from actually doing what you like. Anyways, as long as you’re not talking to someone who’s distressed and saying this is fun and enjoyable, you’re OK.

      7. Ranon*

        I’m glad you’re enjoying it! Hopefully that means you have the emotional resources to help hold other folks in your life up if they need it.

        I’m definitely feeling lucky over here- my kiddo’s at home so we’re having to combine work and parenting but I have a wonderful co-parent and we’re both able to moderate our workload so that things aren’t overwhelming. And it turns out I really like my house! We are always going out and doing things but holing up when we’re spending time in all our rooms is so different from my maternity leave which I basically spent on our recliner.

      8. Old and Don’t Care*

        Job loss and shuttering of businesses is tough on people too.

        Feel whatever you want; it doesn’t make any difference anyway. But I hate when decisions that need to be made get framed in terms of “how long people can put up with being cooped up”. There’s a lot more to it than that.

        (I don’t mind being home either, for the record.)

      9. Anonforthis*

        This is me. I usually suffer pretty hard from depression, but it is like my depression has lifted. I feel great. I love working from home. I feel so relaxed and stress-free. I haven’t cried in a week (my usual crying frequency is multiple times daily). I haven’t felt suicidal in a week (usually this is an hourly feeling for me). I would never wish this on the world just for my own mental health but I’m going to try to get as much from it as I can.

        My therapist was laughing at me when I told her.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          It can be a real help though. My daughter has a lot of anxiety centered around school and now that schools are closed for a while, her mental health has really improved. She has wanted to home school for years (basically all of elem school) and now it seems it really suits her.

      10. Grapey*

        Not at all guilty here. Also not guilty for being grateful to not have kids or for having a happy marriage given all the complaining I’m seeing on my social medias about people having to stay with their family.

      11. OtterB*

        I miss people from my canceled weekly activity. My young adult with intellectual disabilities is home with her part-time job and her multiple community activies canceled, and she’s a little bored but mostly self-entertaining. My husband will miss some group activities and his volunteering stint at a hospital, which doesn’t want volunteers right now. Meanwhile, I admit to a certain quiet pleasure in seeing All The Things melt off our shared calendar. I am enjoying it for the moment. But I expect that will wear off before this ends.

      12. Amethystmoon*

        I’m enjoying it, although I do put on jeans and a T-shirt and brush my hair and take showers. But it’s the kind of t-shirt I can’t even wear to work. We still have to go in on a limited basis, though if they make even grocery industry on lock down and close the offices, they won’t have a choice. But I work in an office with a warehouse attached, so I don’t see how they can close it down. The warehouse people will still have to come in. I think they will have to be forced to adapt to using less paper if this thing lasts a while.

      13. Gatomon*

        Yes, I don’t know how I’ll go back to the office now. I am lucky enough to have a great WFH setup by semi-accident and it sure beats a dingy dark cube with an aisleway directly behind me (people walking behind me makes me anxious). I’m very introverted so chatting via IM is enough for me usually, I’ve taken week-long staycations where I’ve left the house maybe twice and loved every second of it. I get plenty of sun now through a south-facing slider. I’m considering picking up a lawn chair so I can work from my patio if the wifi is strong enough now that spring is happening.

      14. Filosofickle*

        All the Enneagram videos videos about 5s in quarantine start with “THIS IS MY MOMENT”. It me.

        I’m already a hermit, and nesting at home with my partner is my ideal life. What’s interesting is I’m actually talking to people MORE right now and it’s perfect for me. I’m the one reaching out, which is even weirder, because I know they need connection and it’s much easier for me to take care of people via virtual visits. Lots of meaningful connections without leaving the house!

        Sadly my mind I can’t completely escape the weight of a collapsing economy, including my own bleak income situation, so it doesn’t all feel good. And my partner is miserable. But puttering around at home cooking, cuddling with him, and taking hikes…yeah that part feels good.

        1. Overeducated*

          Yes on connecting more. I have a baby, a young kid, and a shortage of money and PTO as a result, so I don’t get out to cultural events like performances or see far away family and friends much. Now I can stream opera, a discussion group i can’t usually get to is meeting online, and we had a huge extended family video chat this morning. I feel like these are lessons to take back to “normal” life, whenever we get there.

          1. Filosofickle*

            I hope so, too! I’m seeing so many cool things being shared online — dance classes, school plays, music performances. We’re doing a good job at reaching out to each other and putting video to good use. On neighborhood walks, everyone waves now. Companies are learning that lots of things CAN be done from a distance.

            For how long did disabled and aspiring WFH folks hear that things simply could not be done remotely? Now suddenly the world has figured out how to hold remote conferences and events. It was always possible, they just didn’t want to.

      15. Anonnington*

        Dude. Yes. My work means going out in public a lot. I’m really enjoying having a break from that.

      16. Anono-me*

        As, someone who is finding the social distancing difficult. I am glad for you. And I am glad that you shared that your current situation is one that is good for you. The Silver Lining stories are a comfort and joy to me in a stressful time. Please don’t feel guilty my account.

      17. noahwynn*

        First, don’t feel guilty, you haven’t done anything wrong. You can enjoy something that others dislike or hate without enjoying it at them.

        I’m definetly not enjoying it 100%, but I’m learning that maybe I’m more extroverted than I have always thought. I’m seriously missing people. I live alone though and have worked from home since Monday. I do like how much I’m cooking at home though, and I did lose a few pounds this week because I’ve only had takeout once.

      18. The Rat-Catcher*

        I and my kids have been sick since Tuesday so no enjoyment here yet, but I suspect there will be (at least for a little while) when we are in better health. I had only a couple of hours each day to spend with them; now I have them home for a while.

      19. Sunflower*

        If there was an end date on this, I think I’d enjoy it much more. My friends and I joked last month how we’d love being stuck inside for 2 weeks- but that would be if we knew it would only be 2 weeks.

      20. KR*

        Honestly I already avoid people a lot in my life and will go through periods where I rarely leave the house for weeks. Social distance is business as usual for me except not being able to travel everywhere. I crave being outside and exploring.

      21. Meepmeep*

        I’m finding that my social life has not changed in the slightest, which is sad and pathetic, but true, alas. The people I talk to every day are my wife and daughter, who live with me, my mother (on the phone), and my best friend (on chat). I still do exactly the same thing while quarantined.

    8. DistantAudacity*

      It’s very interesting to see the various approaches taken by different countries/governments on closures etc. By which I mean US, UK and rest of Europe/Far-East Asia.

      Sitting in Norway I have to say I am very concerned for the US, what with seemingly late actions, lots of people unable to stay at home for economic reasons, the health care coverage (esp in vulnerable populations), etc.

      The economic ramifications are going to be severe here in Norway like everywhere else, but at least there will be basic support systems in place covering most, if not all. Things have been mostly closed for a week, government is stepping in with lots of support to people and businesses and banks (so that they can support businesses and people), paid sick leave and everyone is covered by a national healthcare service.

      1. MistOrMister*

        I am hoping this might force some needed changes for the US. I am sure a lot of people not seeking to get diagnosed (not like you can get a test anyway with the low supplies!!) because while the test is now free, good luck affording the health care if you have a serious case. I think this is really opening a lot of people’s eyes.

        It really is fascinating to see how each country is handling things! I know WHO doesn’t really have any authority, but I wonder if this will cause some sort of global pandemic team to be created – one that actually has some ability to enforce things. But I suppose probably not. Probably too much politics at play.

      2. Lady Jay*

        Sitting in the US, I am also very concerned for the US.

        We’re having more trouble than other countries coping with the disease thanks to a combination of factors, but the big ones include 1) inept leadership at all levels (national, state, local), 2) a national ethos of you-can’t-tell-me-what-to-do-laws-don’t-apply-to-me (we put individualism above the community), and 3) longtime underfunding of education, science and public health.

        Like MistOrMister below, I’m hoping it forces some needed changes – but while some seem to be happening (Detroit & New York keeping people’s water on, for instance), I’m not holding my breath generally.

        2. Doc in a Box*

          The hardest thing about the US response is how the federal government basically told states and localities, “Get your own supplies, don’t expect anything from us,” … and then promptly outbid said states and localities for masks and ventilators.

          I work in an outpatient setting, so we are converting to telephone or video visits for the time being. Until we shut down entirely because all doctors and nurses have been deployed elsewhere; we’ve been told there is a very high likelihood of this in the near future.

          Meanwhile, boxes of gloves have grown legs and walked off (they are now locked in a badge-entry closet) and people are bringing in gallon jugs to steal our hand sanitizer. We never had masks anyway, otherwise those would be the first to go. We’ve had to close down the medical school and the research enterprise in an effort to preserve PPE; almost all of our peer institutions have done the same.

          I get that people are scared and panicking, but we are the people who are going to be taking care of you when you are at your lowest, and we can’t do it safely, we can’t do it at all!

          1. Old and Don’t Care*

            I’ve seen a lot of stories about ramping up ventilator production. ((Whether trained medical staff will be the next chokepoint there remains to be seen, I suppose, but that’s a problem for another day.). But I haven’t seen much about ramped up production of masks, gloves, etc. I desperately hope this is happening and just not sexy enough to make the news.

            1. trolled substances*

              Trump placed an order for 500 million gloves. These should arrive in 18 months.
              Still need more. Experts say we need 3 billion gloves for the next year.

            2. AnonoDoc*

              Ventilators don’t do any good if we don’t have the nurses, respiratory therapists and docs to staff them. We are in short supply of all but especially nurses and RTs. And it takes a lot longer to train them (or cross-train nurses who haven’t seen a vent since they were in nursing clinical rotations) than it does to build the machine.

            3. AnonoDoc*

              Replied to another post on this I think. Trained medical staff is ALREADY a chokepoint, and will get worse as healthcare workers get sick. And it takes a lot longer to train up health care workers than it does to build a vent.

            4. c-*

              Today I read on the news about a group of engineers in Asturias (northern Spain) that is developing a process for reciclying masks, and another that is designing open-source blueprints for ventilators that can be 3-D printed from anywhere in the world. I was glad to read about it, so I hope it helps you too :)

          2. Dr. Anonymous*

            The Society for Critical Care Medicine has an emergency online course for physicians to get some minimal skill in critical care that is free. I’m hoping our subspecialists who are in forced idleness because of canceled elective procedures are availing themselves. I’m in primary care and I’m living the telephone life for all respiratory care and seeing non-respiratory patients who needs exams so they don’t all go to urgent care. Video visits starting up next week. The whole face of medical care in this country will be entirely different after this.

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              Frankly I hope so, in a good way. There are probably many things that people don’t really need to go to the office for, segregating people to some degree for different issues might help prevent spreading diseases around more generally. I really hope that this disaster will result in a saner health care system.

              1. Dr. Anonymous*

                I agree, we need some changes. After all of this we will also have to change how we pay for medical care as there is no clear model to pay for much of the work that is being done now. It’s exciting but also I don’t know what it will be like.

            3. Doc in a Box*

              Yes! I have been reading the Internet Book of Critical Care through my quarantine! I learned a lot more than I ever did in my ICU rotations as a resident.

            4. The Doctor is In*

              Am doing telemedicine now from my primary care office. It’s surprising how much you can do that way! Using the Medici app (free version available) and my EMR has set up free telemedicine app.

        3. fposte*

          Oh, the individualism thing is *so stark* to me. It’s like our American brains struggle even to perceive how intermeshed we are and that when you take a risk you’re exposing everybody you contact nonconsensually. People say “If I get it I get it,” ignoring it’s that “If I get it my family/friends/shop clerks/medical workers/get it.” It bothers me enough during weather emergencies when people are like “Hey, I’ll weather it” and end up putting rescue teams at risk, but this is throwing your loved ones under the bus.

          Pundit Mark Shields has spoken for a long time about the fact that Americans have, since World War II, lost the skill of collective sacrifice–he’s been mainly referring to the volunteer military service, which draws disproportionately from some demographics and leaves others untouched. But I think the truth of that is coming out now about self-quarantine, and it’s going to make the tragedy unnecessarily worse.

          1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

            Also the way people are clearing the shelves at stores not thinking to leave anything for anyone else. This pandemic is really bringing to light how Americans care only about preserving their own lives and their own family and don’t give damn about anyone else.

            1. Filosofickle*

              I keep hearing that if everyone would buy “normally” then we’d have food on the shelves but it’s more complex than that. It’s true there are jerks over-buying (no one should be buying 20 packs of TP), but it’s also true that people can’t shop “normally” right now. Demand is simply higher than capacity.

              We’re being told to have 2 weeks of food on hand. The CDC says 30 days! Two weeks of food for a family can be a LOT. I don’t know anyone who shops that much at one time. With more people stuck at home without offices and school, you’re covering more meals than normal. Lots of people barely cook regularly, so they’re buying more than they usually would. Shoppers may be buying for more than one household — last time I shopped it was for a quarantined person as well as my household.

              And at the same time, we’re being told to go out as little as possible and minimize trips. So, yeah, I’m going to buy more than I would normally. I won’t buy beyond what I need, but I will try to buy for two weeks and that’s a lot.

              My point is, if every family in America is shopping for 2 weeks for whole families eating 3 meals a day plus snacks at home, the stores will be stripped clean. It’s not all panic buying. Some of it is people just trying to follow guidelines and stay safe.

              1. Misty*

                This.

                While I’m sure some people are panic buying or stocking up a lot, my roommates and I (6 people) are now eating 3 meals at home a day! Before this we were never home so we never ate at home. All we used to have was sandwich stuff, alcohol, and coffee supplies in our kitchen. I used to have coffee in the morning on my drive to college, eat a sandwich I brought from home at college, and then eat dinner at my friend’s houses, my parent’s home, or at college. Now we have food that can actually make meals. But it took quite a bit of shopping last week to be set up in order for us all to live/eat/work/school at home.

                1. Salymander*

                  Yeah, my teenager is home all day every day and eats all meals and snacks at home. That is a lot more food. Must be having a growth spurt or something.
                  Also, husband works in an essential industry type job, and lately has been working 16 hour days. When he is off work, he is either crashed out asleep or eating soooo much food. I have been cooking and baking almost constantly in an effort to keep up.
                  Btw, those if you staying home in an effort to slow the spread of the disease? Thank you so much! You are helping people like my husband to keep doing those essential-to-life type jobs (hopefully) without getting sick. At least his commute is better anyway. So, thanks!!!

              2. Dan*

                I 100% agree with your statement “it’s more complex than that.”

                I live by myself (and thus only have to feed me and the dog.) My normal routine is to commute 25 minutes to the office, and eat lunch at the company cafeteria 5 days a week. Dinners are a mix of cooking in and eating at fast casual places. A couple of times a month, my SO and I head into the city center for a “nice” dinner. Normally, I grocery shop every week or two, and the core part of my shopping is usually to buy enough ingredients for one or two “serves 4” size meals. (Meaning, I cook once and it stretches 2-3 meals.)

                Well, for those of us who can do so with minimal impact to the business, work has us on mandatory WFH. So that’s 5 lunches I now have to procure that I otherwise wouldn’t. I’m not in a lockdown state, but I neighbor a major city and another state that sort of us. So on my side of “the river”, most restaurants have closed their dining rooms, with some closing up shop altogether. Takeout is available at some places. But to hear some people talk, even getting takeout should be a no-no.

                So now I’m planning for 14 meals a week in-house, whereas normally I’d be looking at less than half that. And part of this whole social distancing thing *does* mean minimizing trips to the grocery store, which by definition means buying more when I do go. Buying enough food for two weeks, which is 28 meals, is a *hell* of a lot more food than I would normally otherwise buy.

              3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                Yes, this. I went to the store the other night and bought a little more than I intended (but still we’re talking one of those wheeled baskets full, not even an proper cart). The guy ahead of me in line was chatting to the checkout clerk about panic buying and strongly hinting that I was doing that, so I felt a little self-conscious. But on the other hand I have been in the house by myself for two weeks, but my husband decided at the last minute to come here to stay (he was in the other apartment we rent for work purposes) in case we go into major lockdown. So I bought some extra stuff for both of us.

              4. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

                I was mainly referring to the people hoarding toilet paper and cleaning supplies, especially before the lockdown set in. It makes sense for people to be buying more food now.

              5. Senior Montoya*

                Yes, I got the stink eye while in line at the grocery store two weeks ago, but I was buying for my family (which now included an unexpectedly home college kid) plus for our office manager, who was unable to get to the store herself because she was working so many hours for us.

              6. Quinalla*

                Agreed, it is much more complicated. There are some assholes going in and buying 20 packs of giant TP, but most are just buying more than normal because they have to.

          2. Amethystmoon*

            This is because there have been several generations since WW II. I talked to my 97 year-old grandma the other day to see how she was doing, and she said it wasn’t even like this then. Though they were limited to going out in groups of 4, but things weren’t closed. I also think it helped that most people obeyed the rules a lot better during that time, but what do I know?

            1. fposte*

              It was also a time of more concentrated messaging, I think, as opposed to now when you can have thousands of voices telling you anything you want to think, and there was a more palpable enemy.

              I bought new Spanish flu books but work has been so intense that I haven’t had time to read them; I’m curious how much divergence in response there was then.

          3. Nervous Nellie*

            Ah, Mark Shields! Yes, he has been trying to raise the alert. Back in WW2, we were told to grow victory gardens and share with neighbors, and everyone participated in metal drives, rubber drives, etc. After 9/11, we were only told to go shopping. How the world changes.

            I am seeing frequent mentions of this in many news sites, so hopefully, Mark Shields is getting some help spreading the word. No man is an island, much as some would like it.

            1. Clisby*

              There was also rationing, so people were limited in how much of certain items they could buy.

              1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                I am astonished that supermarkets and the like did not unilaterally bring in item limits after the first day of panic buying, to be frank.

                1. fposte*

                  I think some of that might have been because a lot of it wasn’t from bulk buying per se but from one thousand people who each bought an extra box of pasta or pack of TP.

          4. nom de plume*

            Fposte, as someone in a country that has gone into lockdown, it’s mind-boggling to see that the US reaction continues to be “The Man can’t tell me what to do! Tyranny!” You know what, I’m *grateful* the government stepped in. People were, quite frankly, being negligent, irresponsible, and selfish – as if the pandemic was somewhere, out there, irrelevant to them, and god forbid they endure a bit of discomfort to preserve hardship further down the road.

            Do I love being in lockdown? Nah. Do I feel safer for it than I did two weeks ago, seeing crowded urban spaces full of large groups? You bet.

            1. Lady Jay*

              I really wish the government would step in, frankly. All those little “where are you politically” quizzes show that I’m fairly anti-authoritarian, but in this case, we Americans are proving that we’re not capable of making socially conscious decisions. This is where government comes in: to *force* decisions necessary to the communal well-being.

              Plus, it would help my fairly careless but beloved family members to stay the f at home.

          5. Lissa*

            I’m in Canada, and it really feels like a spectrum here. There are a few people who aren’t changing their lives at all if they can help it and are only not doing things because everything is closed. There’s people following the most strict recommendations, not seeing anyone or leaving their house at all. And there’s people who are somewhere in the middle – not going to crowded places but still having a friend or two over, being careful with things like handwashing and not getting too close, but still doing takeout and getting coffee where possible. The people doing nothing and brushing it off or being actively mad things are closed frustrate the hell out of me, but I understand those people who are making changes but maybe not doing everything as well as they could, because humans are seriously bad at isolation, and changing things in response to something they can’t “see”. I just hope the fact that there have been sweeping changes will at least help slow the spread.

            I was saying to my friend the other day that it’s the weirdest disaster, because unlike a war or earthquake it isn’t really visible to many people who don’t work in the healthcare system. I don’t know anyone who’s sick, walking around outside feels “normal” if I don’t get too near businesses to see they’re closed. It’s just…really disorienting!

              1. Lady Jay*

                Hit me about a week ago that this is bigger than 9/11 – by orders of magnitude. But it’s easy to miss for precisely this reason: so many people are going about as normal, so many people are not visibly sick (esp. if you’re not the kind of person to spend time online), that it doesn’t *feel* like something of that scale is happening.

            2. Tau*

              I hear you about the weirdest disaster thing. I think another one of the ways in which it’s so surreal is that (at least here) it’s not quite disaster state _right now_ but disaster state is now unavoidable. Like, the current number of patients here is manageable and small compared to the overall population, our local hospital is losing money because it’s cancelled all non-urgent operations and the doctors are sitting idle, but it’s going to explode in the coming weeks and there’s nothing we can do to prevent it. The whole thing is just eerie, as though you’re watching a tsunami hit in the slowest of slow motion.

              TBH, I think this is one way in which the drastic measures help – everything being closed signals to people “this is not business as usual, we are in crisis mode” in a way they can understand.

              1. fposte*

                I saw somebody describe it as seeing the tide drop before the tsunami comes in. That pretty much summed it up for me.

            3. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

              This is my thinking too. People have trouble understanding things that aren’t visible to them, like a virus. I also think it is arrogance on some people’s part. People have trouble believing that something as innocuous as a tiny virus is outside of their control and can alter their lives so significantly. People also tend to feel entitled to things that benefit them individually, regardless of how it might affect others.

              I’ve actually been reading articles about how plant and animal species in quarantined lands are thriving because of the lack of human traffic. It’s almost as if this virus is a favor to nature.

          6. Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus*

            I still remember, a couple of weeks ago, overhearing someone behind me talk about how “everyone’s politicizing this and blowing it out of proportion.” Holy Anti-Intellectualism in American Life, Batman.

        4. Former Employee*

          I have to disagree in terms of the state and local level. I believe that our Gov. Gavin Newsom (CA) is doing a great job here in CA. I also applaud Gov. Cuomo of NY and some of the other governors who have really stepped up.

          There are also many county and city executives who are not as well known who have really shown why they are the right people for those types of jobs.

          However, the fact that we squandered valuable time at the beginning thanks to the current occupant of the White House could cost us dearly.

          1. Lady Jay*

            So much of this depends on *which* state or locality, though. Yeah, Gavin Newsome has done great. Jay Inslee has as well, as has Andrew Cuomo (as you point out). But the governors of OK, TN, FL, and WV, among other places, are failing this pretty badly. Other places, like IA, are trying to chart a middle road – I believe IA’s governor is on record as saying that widespread testing is not urgent.

            As someone who lives in one of these states, I can’t help but see them as complicit in worsening the pandemic. Sure, 45 is definitely the main cause of the dysfunction here, but some governors are refusing to step into the leadership void in ways that have potentially catastrophic implications.

      3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        This. I was reading an article written by a journalist who is returning home from Japan, and his flight to Brazil from Miami was half anxious people desperate to return to their countries, half Americans agressivly not following WHO recommendations.

    9. TimeCat*

      I am really struggling mentally. I have never had an event make me question my sanity as much as this. The fact that life can just break down this quickly, the unknown, and the fact that our leaders are bungling this so badly.

      I have a toddler and I am trying my best to make sure he does well through this. But I am also expected to telework as well. I feel like I can’t keep up.

      3. Agnodike*

        I’m doing my job in healthcare management from home with a three-year-old. I have 10 000 meetings a day about pandemic planning and also 10 000 meetings a day about toy cars and playdough. I’m trying not to schedule anything for my kid’s nap (please, please let her not drop this nap!!) so I have time to cry. I feel you.

      4. Sunflower*

        Please look into tele-mental health if you can and are interested. NY has called for mental health folks to volunteer their time if possible. My therapist does not usually offer virtual sessions but will be for the next few weeks.

      5. merp*

        Similar boat. I’m still expected in the office 3 days a week, and I’m so scared to get sick or get someone else sick. I can’t tell anymore if I’m overreacting, underreacting, if my reactions are reasonable.. I’m already an anxious person, especially about health issues, so maybe I’m being paranoid! But I don’t know how to talk to my boss about this when I don’t have a solution other than “I think we should close” and she’s not the person to make that decision.

    10. coffee cup*

      I feel a bit weird about things. I’m a classic ‘can stay at home with my own company for hours’ introvert who loves reading and chilling and yoga at home. I also enjoy socialising and having my ‘fix’ of hanging out with friends before I need to retreat. I think I do need that balance for things to keep going. And although it’s only been a couple of days and I’m really just doing what I would normally do at a weekend so far, I’m finding it weird and I’m feeling restless. I can’t settle to watch a show or read a book or do any yoga. I’m not sure why and what to do about it. Doesn’t help that I’m on my SSRIs and they are generally fine but make me very tired. I live alone, too (which usually I enjoy!). I just can’t work out what to do with myself and worry that working from home will have a bad effect on me.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        It sounds like you’re similar to me. I’m a homebody but I like to get out and talk to people, and this situation is having an impact on my focus. I already work from home, but I had been working hard on crafting an outside-of-the-home life.

        As for what to do… try to set up calls with friends. I find it helpful to have a project with clear goals– for me, it’s baking a loaf of bread or cleaning a room. Even laundry helps. I put on my headphones and listen to podcasts and do the work. Also, taking a long walk (if you’re not on lockdown) could help.

        Don’t beat yourself up for feeling out of sorts! We are in strange times.

        1. coffee cup*

          Yes, that sounds very similar! I always thought I’d love to work from home as I like being on my own and doing quiet things, but I didn’t enjoy it at all on Friday. Mind you, I haven’t set up my desk properly yet. That’ll be tomorrow’s job, and hopefully it’ll make things seem more ‘work’. I’m calling my friend tomorrow and trying to set up going for a run with another (socially distanced, of course!) during the week. I just don’t want to be weirdly stressed and tired all the time!

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            This will sound flip, but I promise I don’t mean it that way– let yourself be tired and stressed. You have nowhere to be, so take a nap if you feel tired. When the stress comes on, give it 10 minutes to take over your brain, then take a deep breath and start putting your desk together. Don’t fight whatever is going on in your body– fighting it will just postpone it.

      2. Juli G.*

        I’m also struggling. On top of it, a lot of my anxiety stems from house clutter. And honestly, I am not a neat person. My standards are not very high. I work a lot of hours and unfortunately, I’m the only one that cares about keeping our home picked up. I have been down a person at work and finally got the opportunity to hire and train someone new so my workload is even worse. Now I’m trapped in this house trying to clean while my family just makes a mess every time I leave a room. At least I could break away and be at work, in my office, with control. I feel completely helpless.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          At least you’re in your own house. I’m stuck in someone else’s space after moving and have very little privacy. I can’t even really cook properly. I don’t even have my stuff.

          Getting out was the right thing to do from a job-hunting standpoint, but if I’d known this stupid pandemic was coming, I would have stayed where I was.

          1. Tau*

            Sympathies – I’m at least intentionally in someone else’s space (me + living alone + WFH + lockdown would be a mental health disaster, so I fled back to my parents’ place), but my god do I miss my stuff. My sewing machine! My desktop! My books! :'(

        2. Former Employee*

          Can you afford to rent a small, temporary space to use as your personal office? Since almost no one is renting space now, you might be able to get something pretty cheap.

          Since I don’t know the make up of your family, I can’t suggest much. If they are all adults or if there are children, but they are older, I’m not sure why they are making messes. Of course, if you have toddlers or other little ones, it’s natural that messes appear wherever they go.

          1. Juli G.*

            I could afford it at this moment but we’re waiting for the moment my husband is no longer allowed to work and then we’ll be without some income. We’ll be much better than a lot of people but we’re budgeting in anticipation.

            My kids are old enough to clean up after themselves although young enough that it makes sense I need to remind. The main issue is my husband. It’s one of those problems I’ve been ignoring and now it’s a matter of Confront It With No Escape or continue to ignore.

            One blessing – we do live in a suburb with a fenced in yard so my kids can be outside as spring arrives and we have more space.

      3. Natalie*

        I’m somewhat similar, and my book club did a virtual happy hour on Thursday and it was really nice! I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it, honestly. Doesn’t need to be a group event, but maybe have virtual lunch or dinner with a friend or watch a movie together?

        Also, if you have paper and envelopes, writing letters is kind of fun, too, and has a different feel. I’m writing to my 100-year-old grandfather because his hearing really doesn’t allow for phone calls, and he’s obviously in a care facility with no visitors allowed.

      4. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

        Same. I’m not minding the telework aspect of it. But I would like to still be able to socialize, which I now can’t do.

    11. nep*

      Not minding the lockdown, as trips to the grocery store for myself or Shipt were just about all I ever did outside the house pre-COVID19 (aside from a class I taught). Just wondering how things will go for my grand niece who will have her 6th birthday in a few weeks. I don’t know yet what her parents are planning; her last couple of birthdays involved a bunch of her friends, of course. I just want her to have a fun day, as unmarred as possible by the current situation.
      Has anyone here celebrated a young child’s birthday amid the shutdown?

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        So far, food shopping has been quite civilised here. We are in lockdown, but the supermarkets have got in extra security, and are limiting the number of people in the store on a one in, one out basis. Pasta and tinned tomatoes are in very short supply, but then, since most of them come from Italy, I suppose it shouldn’t be a surprise.

        1. nep*

          This is what our Trader Joe’s is doing. Workers manning the door, handing out wipes and gloves, controlling the number of people inside. Good idea. It was great to have some space in there.

      2. Ranon*

        In our area people have been cancelling/ postponing kids’ birthdays for two weeks now, which is about two weeks before we had confirmed community spread. I hope her parents can find a way for her to have fun at home, maybe video calls? My kiddo is younger but we sent a video of him singing happy birthday to one of his friends.

      3. fposte*

        Virtual parties are definitely a thing, and you can bet that there will be guidance and suggestions for those all over the internet pretty soon.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Virtual everything is becoming a thing, and it’s great. I ‘had lunch’ with a friend by phone this week, and a lively happy hour phone visit with another friend last night. We sent each other pics of our little homemade cheese trays, and of the bottles we were ‘testing’. Great fun.

          A pal’s teenage son has a video conference birthday party with his buddies tonight. We are so fortunate in all of this to have phones & internet to cushion the isolation.

      4. Jules the 3rd*

        A friend just had her kid’s 7th. She gave a holiday from the take-home work from school, took a walk with him, let him play as he wanted, and arranged a ‘surprise’ bday party with family over computers and phones. So he got a cake and to blow it out, and people sang happy bday to him.

      5. King Friday XIII*

        Prince Tuesday turns 6 next month and right now we’re just… going to have a party later, whenever later is, and probably facetime her grandparents for her birthday. One of her presents is a screen time upgrade since she’s more of a gamer and less of a watcher now and we’re letting her have that a little early.

    12. MOAS*

      I’m in some professional groups and majority of the members are self employed and are able to work from home. There are a few who have been posting about their part time/seasonal workers who want to work remotely and some of the comments feon other “pros” are so disheartening – they’re being lazy, they want free money, they’re hysterical they deserve to get fired etc. they’re the worst.

    13. OyHiOh*

      This week, I had the absolute, utter pleasure of reporting our Conservative jewish congregation to the Health Department. You see, early Thursday morning, a state executive order came down, prohibiting all groups of more than 10 and this time (change from a previous “10 or more” order), it specifically mentioned faith based groups. In defiance of this order and basic common sense, the board president sent out an email saying they’re still planning to meet this week, with cautions and caveats galore.
      *We were told all hard surfaces will be wiped down with disinfecting wipes on Friday (LOL! COVID sees your whimpy wipes and calls your bluff).
      *We were told to wash our hands immediately upon entering the building (the logistics of doing so without spreading bugs defies me given the street level lobby and the half set of stairs down to the bathroom – it’s not “go downstairs” so much so as, this building was constructed with weirdly narrow risers on the stairs and even I, a youngish healthy stable adult need the stair rail to be safe).
      *We were told to stay at least six feet apart in the service and during the social afterwards (y’all, they’re still planning to serve food on Saturday!)
      *We were told to RSVP to the board president and, “if more than 10 people RSVP, we’ll have to reassess.”

      Without revealing personal medical histories, I know for a fact that every single person who attends regularly is a high risk/vulnerable adult by a multiple of 2 or more. In addition, most of the core group travel in from various small communities in our region, most of which do not have local hospitals. This is a disaster waiting to happen. So Thursday, I emailed the Health Dept, included a forward of the email in question, and left it in their hands. Naturally, I’ve not heard back other than acknowledgement of receipt, as it should be. I may happen to wander by the synagogue tomorrow and note if any cars are present. If there are, I may happen to send another email to the Health Department, and this time including the attorney general’s office as well. His office stated on Friday that they want to know about violations of the state executive orders “if you’ve contacted your county Health Dept and not received a response.”

      I understand the resistance to change. Physically and metaphorically, it’s an old congregation. Mental flexibility is not one of their strengths. For several people in the core group, their memories of this congregation go back to their teens or younger. It’s an emotional touchstone. A reassurance. God knows we’re all looking for touchstones these days! But this is a stupid thing to do. If someone drags COVID into that building, it will sicken the entire group, and spread it out into a bunch of little communities that can least withstand the assault.

      I spent most of Wednesday having an all day anxiety attack. At that point, I’d been fighting with our school district for five days straight, was in information overload, had not had a vocal conversation with an adult human in five days, had not (still haven’t, was an early adopter of social distance) been within touching distance of an adult human in five days and just couldn’t keep it together anymore. Random bouts of crying all day. Called Neptune that evening – funny, that! We’ve been in close contact for a year now and this week is the first *phone* conversations we’ve ever had. Talking to him helped. I realized also that I was going to have to get over my phone aversion and start calling people so I’ve been slowly trying to do that. It’s not easy – I feel the tension of ICU phone calls every time I pick up the phone – but I’m re learning how to do this.

      School district is a disaster in about a dozen different ways. It all boils down to, we’re a place where the superintendent’s word is “god” and will not be argued with. There’s been issues with optics and transparency for decades, that are becoming glaringly obvious and uncomfortable as well. For example, we’re going to digital classrooms a week from Monday, when our spring break ends. This is fine. They announced the transition early enough that teachers have some time to open up Google Classrooms, set up learning opportunities, etc. The problem is that we’re a district where most families have two or more children. We’re a working class, service industry dependent town. It is not a given that each child in a family can individually access the internet. Because of an odd quirk in state law, districts can (and ours does) distribute local funds based on property taxes in a school’s neighborhood, more funds to higher income neighborhoods, less to lower. Yes, groteque especially given what I’m about to say. The school my children started at had five technology carts that teachers had to check out for their classrooms to have access to individual computers. The school my children go to now has a Chromebook assigned to every individual student. At our present school, getting a device into the hands of every individual student would be as simple as the principal arranging a way for parents to pick up their children’s assigned Chromebooks (we signed tech responsibility forms at the beginning of the year and they are worded to include take home responsibilities and consequences). However, allowing some students to take home these devices would be . . . . awkward given the obvious inequality in distribution.

      At this point, I’m out of stones to fling at the district. I’ve fought my best fight. I’ve pointed out over and over again how it’s not that what they’re doing is “wrong,” it’s that their communication to parents is unclear, vague, and confusing. There’s a lot of “this isn’t best practice” going on as well but I no longer have energy to fight that either. In the next 10 days, I have to figure out how to keep my writing going (I may not, looking at grocery store temping for the duration) and somehow also educate my children – an exercise which I predict will not go well given that I’ve already fail at home schooling once in their young lives. The first attempt ended with a 4th grader reading at 1st grade level and a 2nd grader with zero phonetic awareness – this is what happens when a college educated parent not trained in reading specialization attempts to homeschool two kids with severe dyslexia!!! Supposedly, we’ll have just two weeks of digital classrooms but I predict that when the executive order runs out in the middle of April, we’ll either extend digital classrooms until the first week of June when we’re supposed to end (OMG, please dear god no), or just throw in the towel, close school down, and hope for the best next fall.

      Most of all, I’m struggling with the duality of existance. The tension between distance and near isolation for the good of my community pulling against the need for human touch. Look, I love my dragons. We hug, kiss, hold hands, groom each other’s hair, but at the end of the day, that’s energy I put into them. It’s not energy given back. The care and love they receive is not the same as a hug shared with an adult human friend. It’s that second part of human contact that I’m dying over.

      2. Peasblossom*

        First, I’m sorry it sounds like you’re really anxious (I am too; it’s been…tough), but I hope your account of how you reported your congregation to the Health Department was exaggerated for comic effect. While I absolutely understand and think it’s critical to practice social distancing as much as possible, I’d like to think you at least expressed your concerns to the board president first and perhaps even helped to brainstorm ways for the congregation–one that it sounds like is particularly vulnerable and isolated–to stay connected.

        1. OyHiOh*

          Sadly, a tragedy in the making, not a comedy. The attempts to talk to the board president, and others in position to influence him were already tried, and failed. He, and the core group of attendees, seem determined to press on, regardless of the information presented. This congregation does not have a rabbi, nor is there a head rabbi for the community or region whose authority I could appeal to before going to the Health Dept.

          I gather that board president, and possibly one or two others, believe that the crisis is overblown and a much less serious situation than “the liberal media” is making it out to be. These are difficult and perilous times.

          1. Laura H.*

            While I think in some ways, it’s an over-reaction that’s more colored by all the jerks who are panic-buying (and in some cases are making fools of themselves while they do it), the folks not following the guidelines, and, to a point, the media.

            I’m sorry for the situation you’re in, and I would do the same things if my congregation wasn’t taking the necessary precautions. While I do believe the faithful and practicing need our religious communities now more than ever, we need them to minister within these guidelines so that they and others can stay healthy.

            1. OyHiOh*

              See, the rabbi of our other congregation set up a livestream Friday night and conducted a beautiful Shabbat observance from her home. We usually have around 20 attend an average Friday. 40 plus people watched the livestream. That’s the sort of thing you do!

              1. tangerineRose*

                I think you did the right thing and may have saved lives. The livestream sounds good too.

        2. Anono-me*

          I believe that these are people that Oyhioh has interacted with for some time and that some of the people in leadership positions have a history of not listening to gentle advice about problems that the group leaders don’t want to see.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Duality of existence.

        You know, the times in my life I have felt the most drained was doing elder care. As you say here, how do I put stuff into me so I can continue on having people so dependent on me? They were on the taking side of life it was not reasonable to expect them to give a lot.

        A super helpful thing I learned is that this is NORMAL to feel drained. There wasn’t anything “wrong” with me. So yeah, it’s normal to need adult contact. And it’s normal to feel drained from attending to other people’s needs. Throw in a strong sense of obligation and this gets to be some heavy duty stuff. This is normal to feel overwhelmed.

        Several areas to look at:

        1) Self-care. [Insert long paragraph here. Punchline: Remember it’s not an all or nothing thing. Some attempt will give you some benefit.]

        2) Daily routines. Getting up, eating, dressing etc around the same time each morning no matter what. Take a nap later if need be and if you can. Meals at the same time every day. or within a predictable window of time. Going to bed on time. This is a good one not to skip. It’s good to know the day will end and we can rest. Our routines can be oddly comforting. When my husband died, I found I liked doing dishes. It was familiar to me; it was not hard so I didn’t screw it up too much; and it gave me that quick fix sense of accomplishment when I otherwise felt gutted. Our routines can anchor us.

        3) Pair up with people. Check in with them on a daily or every other day basis. I bet Neptune would do this with you. But you are a nice person, so I bet you can find 1 or 2 other people who would be willing to partner up for check ins. You don’t need a ton of people but you do need the consistency.
        I had an aunt who emailed me every day. As her husband got sicker and sicker she started emailing twice a day. Then her husband passed and we switched to the phone. We called each other every morning and every night. Then my husband passed and we just keep going.
        Key point: This was a person who gave as much as she took. We had a back and forth going on. We’d find ideas to help her with her concerns and we’d find ideas to help me with my concerns.

        Then my aunt passed away. wth. Life comes at us fast.
        Along came my guardian angle friend. And I am back to talking twice a day with a person who is willing to be a constant in my life. We don’t need a ton of people to feel anchored. They do need to be well chosen people.

        4) Be strategic about where you put your energy you use for things outside of your family and home. This can work into a very long paragraph, so I will cut to the punchline: I see a lot of things that I feel are wrong. If I put time into fighting those battles I will only defeat myself. I need to take care of my basics first. So when I chose a battle, that involves others I try to pick those battles that benefit me as well. It can be a huge piece of humble pie to think about not fixing some of the things I see. In times of crisis we have to streamline and we cannot take on every issue we see. I don’t think you are doing this, but it is a real easy pit to fall into and we need to deliberately watch to make sure we don’t. Of the issues we take on, we have to decide how much time we will put into it.

        Oddly this ties into our sense of being overwhelmed. When we cut down on the number of battles we are willing to take on, we can reclaim some of our own brain space (and therefore sanity) and we can retain more of our resources (energy, compassion, thoughtfulness). My wise friend used to say, “On a better day, we can go in on a situation and get the desired results.” I have used this saying so many times. It seems to work out that way, too. Usually there is a better day later on and I do get good results.

        Keep making tweaks to your life and your day until things look different for you. Keep the tweaks small and reasonable.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Thank you for your comments: a tutorial on how to get along with less than usual–which may not be the same as “less than necessary.” Hard-won wisdom, I’m sure.
          Perhaps this hard time can become a reset moment for society? We’ve become so go-go-go and gratification-focused. Perhaps we can scale everything back and redistribute resources in a more human fashion rather than forcing everyone onto the treadmill of chasing the best job, highest salary, largest home, most extensive physical pleasure–and feeling completely insignificant if we can’t obtain all of the above.
          I recall my unmarried great-aunts who carried on, not always blissfully, but usually with some measure of cheer, purpose, and constructive action. People have navigated terrible times before us, and probably will afterwards also. Not to minimize the current situation, but to reassure that sometimes “keeping going/keeping calm” is the best we can manage. That, plus small adjustments to improve our circumstances or outlook.

        2. Auntie Social*

          I remember being so tired after a day of taking care of my MIL w/Parkinson’s, and about to go to my unclean house with unfed pets, and MIL would ask “And what delicious meal are you making my son tonight?” “Wine”.

        3. Anono-me*

          This is a really good response to Oyhioh. But I think a great deal of it applies to all of us. Thank you

      4. Pippa*

        Sending compassion.
        About the home instruction – you’ve fought as best you can, next is to follow their instruction as best you can, then leave it. Put it down. Use whatever schoolday time is left to instruct your dragons in things in which you and they are strong – creative things. Let your dragons into the writing process. Spelling does not count for free writing although you can go back through and help with that if needed. Have them illustrate. Or make diaramas with toys. Take pictures.
        Measure and cook together. Plan meals. Talk about nutrition and budgeting, serving size and shopping. Teach them laundry symbols and ironing. I obviously could go on. Part of the home school journey for me was teaching my kids about what I was doing as I was doing it or as we were doing it together. Not all the time in a”life is a lecture” way but in a shared way. sometimes they really wanted a lot of info, sometimes not. But that’s kids.
        My point is – you’ve got this even if the school district doesn’t deal with it in the best way.
        Sending compassion. This is all so hard.

      5. Mozzarella*

        I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time. Be kind to yourself.

        I was wondering if this post should be in the corona virus thread? There’s maybe more chance that you’d get helpful replies there.

        1. Mozzarella*

          Please ignore my comment, hadn’t realised that the post had already been moved… which explains why there are now plenty of relevant replies!

      6. AnonoDoc*

        Thank you. For all of this.

        And I have a family member who is a teacher in your state who is dealing with all of this scrambling. As always, crises hit those already hard-upon the hardest.

      7. Anono-me*

        The situation with your congregation must be so hard on you. Thank you for not just throwing up your hands and saying ‘Whatever. I have enough on my plate’.

        I am glad that you have so many loved ones in your life including Neptune and the Dragons. Can you Skype or FaceTime sometimes rather than talk on the phone?

        Do your kids have to stay in this school district? In my state and in a couple others at least, kids can transfer school districts. (In this state it is touted as part of a ‘solution’ to all the racial inequities in education, so I don’t know if it applies to all states.) I know most people don’t do this because the logistics are just too difficult. But if everybody is going to distance learning, why not? Also, I checked Ohio Connections Academy is a completely online public schools program.

        I would like to say thank you. I have taken a great deal of comfort and inspiration from people such as yourself, who have gone through absolutely devastating experiences then bravely and generously shared their re/building process.

        1. OyHiOh*

          We have state wide open enrollment. The catch, of course, is that parents are responsible for transportation outside their district. Actually, parents are responsible for transportation outside their zoned *school* but that’s a slightly different issue. I don’t have a car. Hopefully I’ll get one this summer but in the meantime, I have to figure this out with what is available in our district. There are a couple charter schools that might be possible. I’ve reformed, in the wake of early home school attempts, and become a hard core proponent of public school education but if it comes down to it, I’ll go with a local charter school.

          1. Anono-me*

            To clarify what I was wondering was if the kids could transfer to a better online or temporarily online school for the rest of this school year? No matter what school they go to right now, it’s going to be online, most likely for the rest of the school year.

        2. OyHiOh*

          And thank you for your kind words, all of you who have chimed in over the past year. I feel like I’m failing at life most of the time (dealing with a SSA dependent benefits disaster this week on top of everything else . . . ) but trying to keep going best as I can.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            It’s not failure. It’s that life is that freakin’ hard. We all need each other. You have not failed, not by a long stretch. Matter of fact, you have jumped a great many hurdles.
            You have made it this far. You will be okay. I can see that from here.

      8. Dr. Anonymous*

        Hugs and best wishes. Pretty much all the children in the country will fall behind in the next few months and I think your only job as a parent is to keep your children alive and civilized as best you can and be supportive of whatever educational system they end up with later when it’s time to pick up the pieces. Parents should not feel required to transform themselves into professional educators. There will be some way to make up the time.

        1. OyHiOh*

          And, as always, the fall behind/try to catch up curve will impact the IEP and ESL kids the hardest. It’s a rock and a hard place and part of the duality that I’m struggling to accept: That in this world “social distance/shelter in place is vitally necessary” and “shelter in place negatively impacts people experiencing domestic violence, the most vulnerable students in our public schools,and some people with mental illness.” I think that, eventually, I’ll be able to accept that both exist in the same hand, but right this minute, my brain does not like that state of affairs.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Accept vs. Know.

            We can know something exists, that is not the same as accepting it. We can know something exists and be powerless to change it. That is not the same as accepting it.

            What we can do is realize that when we feel vulnerable ourselves it is super easy to be aware of those who have even greater vulnerability. We feel our own loss of power and we become painfully aware of others who have lost even more power/autonomy. This becomes a slippery slope. It’s hard to climb that slope that is sooo darn steep.

            You might want to take a look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. A sense of belonging, having friends having an intimate relationship (if wanted) come before self-actualization. Self-actualization can be changing the world or whatever we think it is. Relationships are our foundation that we need before we head out into the world. Ask any lonely person, they will tell you, “My job, my life, everything would be better if only my mother were here/my BFF hadn’t moved away/my sib would talk to me/etc.

            You’ve been doing life at 90 mph for a while now. And it might be time to take a look at relationships. Maybe there are people you would like to reconnect with or just check in with. Now might be the time to do that.

            Another concept to think about is a rippling effect we have. I help one person. Because they got some help they are able to go forward and help 3 people. Those people in turn help 2 people each because of the help one person gave them. Indirectly I have helped 6 additional people and I don’t even know it. We have no idea what we are sending out when we help just one person. No I can’t help that person suffering DV who I don’t even know about and I am sure this person exists. But maybe I unknowingly do something nice for their parent and in turn the parent finds just the right words to talk to their adult child. I will never know this either. We send out a ripple. We impact more people than we know.

            Alison can count up her views and see her ripple that she is sending out. This is very rare in life, we just don’t get to see it that much.

            I actually found a lot of comfort in knowing that I had to get me on solid ground before I could do much about world problems. Thanks, Maslow. My ground still is not that solid. Matter of fact, I think I had a set back tonight. However, I can still hope that maybe I did/said something this week that was of value to someone, somewhere. And if I am lucky my set back will clear up tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed.

            1. Epsilon Delta*

              Expanding on that thought (albeit with a different choice of vocabulary): “Acceptance is not the decision to do nothing. It is only the intention to agree with reality, and I have never found a time where it was better to disagree with reality…This is not the same as agreeing that it ought to be that way, just agreeing that this is reality right now and that I would allow it to be real.”

              Highly recommend reading the whole post. https://www.raptitude.com/2013/11/accept-it-whether-you-can-change-it-or-not/

          2. Dr. Anonymous*

            You’re right, of course, and it sucks. That was clueless of me.

            And of course since no one else can fix it right now you want to do all you can to keep your kids’ developmental heads above water and not just worry about basic safety. But if you can’t do it all, it’s not because you are not good enough. It’s because the situation is too huge, for whatever it’s worth.

      9. Former Employee*

        “The school my children go to now has a Chromebook assigned to every individual student. At our present school, getting a device into the hands of every individual student would be as simple as the principal arranging a way for parents to pick up their children’s assigned Chromebooks (we signed tech responsibility forms at the beginning of the year and they are worded to include take home responsibilities and consequences). However, allowing some students to take home these devices would be . . . . awkward given the obvious inequality in distribution.”

        I don’t understand this. If each student has a device assigned to them and each student can take one home, what is awkward and where is the inequality?

        2. OyHiOh*

          Our neighborhood school has a Book for every kid. Other neighborhood schools in our district do not. So if one group of 5th graders can take Books home, and other groups of 5th graders don’t have individually assigned books to take home, that’s problematic at the district level. Raises questions. Why do some kids have this resource and others do not?

          1. nonegiven*

            Let your kids take them home and do their school work.

            Then talk to School Board/State/Dept of Education/Google/Comcast/Spectrum/Apple, etc. and see if you can get them to do something for the other kids.

      10. Bibliovore*

        oh OyHiOh,
        Thank you for checking in. I have been thinking of you. For you and yours. Authors and illustrators reading aloud and activities. Give yourself a break. You are doing great. on Facebook #operationreadaloud.

    14. Siberian Kitten Gal*

      Hubs and I made the decision to wait for trying for kids (was going to start this year at 33, prob waiting till coronavirus dies down when I’m 34). Which means 1st kid at 35.

      As an only child who cried out of sheer loneliness, and knowing my family history of stillbirth and miscarriages, I know this means having 2 kids or 1 or none. But hubs is adamant (and I agree) we can’t knowingly try for kids when there’s blood bank shortages which in hemorrhaging during childbirth, could mean maternal demise.

      Silver lining: we’ll have more money saved once kid is born, and people can visit us in the hospital. Also, blood banks and hospitals not overwhelmed with coronavirus. And we’d have a baby shower and celebrate with all our friends and family (I never had a wedding shower and my wedding was tiny, so this is important to me).

      1. TimeCat*

        I feel you. My poor friend just had an IVF cycle fail right before this all hit the fan. Now, who knows when she can try again.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Sorry to read this. You must be hurting. But you’re being wise and (speaking as the parent of an only) smaller families are still families, the way that couples and singles and people with housemates and people living with much-loved animals are still families. You can still have some of those times of craziness and closeness, even if it does not look the same as the Von Trapps or the family in Cheaper by the Dozen.

      3. Epsilon Delta*

        YEP SAME. I had two miscarriages in the last twelve months, and I’m now on birth control. We are not having a second kid. I was kind of coming to that conclusion already, but now it’s been made for me.

      4. Panthera uncia*

        I’m so sorry that you were lonely as a singleton, but please know that there are many only children out there who totally thrived in that environment. I’m a loner bookworm, and I adored my childhood. Your child may love it, and if not–you are there, with the personal history to commiserate, and to ensure plenty of play dates.

        Also, something that many people don’t think about: having a sibling does not guarantee the “built-in friend” that everyone assumes. My husband’s brother is a violent addict, and has caused him nothing but misery throughout his life. BIL will become even more of a problem for us once my in-laws are dead, because he lives in their childhood home with them and earns no income. My husband has said many times how much he envies me for not having to deal with siblings.

        1. You're not my supervisor*

          Honestly, my brother is a lovely person and we are not close at all. We talk at holidays. We just don’t have much in common and he lives thousands of miles away. So yeah, siblings arent always close for life, even with the absence of an addict type scenario

          1. Julia*

            This. My brothers have had very differerent experiences with the same parents (very much a “boys first” family) and I have mostly stopped talking to them because it just makes me sad.

            1. MOAS*

              I feel you. I have to take care of my widowed mother, and my brother thinks I’m doing a sh*t job. I thought dad’s death would bring us closer but sadly it hasnt. My husband has 3 brothers and 2 sisters, two of his siblings see him as a cash cow b/c we’re childless (so what do we need hte money for?) 1 has cut everyone off and 1 is flighty at best. Sometimes issues happen as adults, sometimes they stem from childhood. Sadly not everyone can be a Ross & Monica.

              1. JT*

                I feel the same way after my brother died. It’s been hard to get “ok” with the fact that your family won’t ever be who you want them to be. Like if a death doesn’t do it, nothing will be able to.

      5. MOAS*

        I totally understand the feeling of sheer loneliness and wanting siblings – I grew up with a brother 6 years older than me but we weren’t close and I was very lonely growing up. I see my own friends who have siblings (esp sisters) and they seem to be close and I envy it.

    15. Tomacco*

      Many of my college academic classes (anatomy, physiology, pathology etc.) have moved online, and while my instructors and classmates are all doing our best, my heart is just not in it. I’m not retaining anything, new material or old. We’re supposed to go back by March 30th and have mid-terms, but it seems less and less likely that will happen. And even if it does I’ll probably fail them all – I can’t focus on a damn thing right now.

      I’m one of those people who, after much consideration, decided to quit a comfortable, stable job with benefits to go back to school. Global Pandemic was definitely not on my pros and cons list, oy.

      1. Ranon*

        Can you do video call study groups with other classmates? Sometimes having another person helps my brain focus when it would be spiralling about other things left to its own devices.

      2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        I received an email from my university yesterday! One of the two courses I chose (Legislation) has fully switched to virtual classroom. The other, Physics, is tricky since we have lab activities and the teachers are known to be tech adverse.

      3. Misty*

        Same.

        I had a full time job for the last five years and quit it in February as I went back to college this semester and they weren’t working with my class schedule. If I had realized everything was going online, I would have kept the job.

        Also am finding it hard to care about classes and writing papers at all when it’s all online.

      4. Epsilon Delta*

        I was studying for a certification when this hit. I didn’t have time to study at all this week between flexing my hours to do childcare and just feeling drained. I tried to study this morning. Got about 30 minutes into it and gave up.
        Fortunately I have 6 months to take the test and my boss is fine with me pushing it back. I was originally planning to take it in May.

      5. Filosofickle*

        My partner is in grad school and of course their classes have moved online. He hates it. It’s so much harder for him to concentrate on Zoom, and not getting to leave the house is dragging him down badly. When choosing a school, he ruled out every online program for this reason! He’s already disappointed that they’ve announced rest of this semester will be online, so come summer and fall semesters…I’m not sure how he’s going to manage. It’s a psychotherapy program, so in-person connection and exercises are part of the learning.

    16. Lady Jay*

      Who else is having a hard time figuring out how to talk to family members about taking appropriate precautions?

      I’ve been checking in w/ family, asking them about what they’re doing to stay safe, but I haven’t explicitly told them, “Hey, here’s what social distancing is and here’s why you should do it.” Now, I think I might send that email this week – while my family’s various churches and schools are closed, I found out that my 60-year-old aunt traveled *across state lines* to visit my 80-year-old grandparents, and I just don’t think my family gets how serious this is – how cases are spiking across the country, how easily this is transmitted, and how much it is not. the. flu. I’m not really looking forward to writing this email because I’m a little worried that I’m going to come across as hectoring but also I want my family to be alive and well on the other side of this.

      1. MistOrMister*

        I have no idea what to say to my parents. I am trying to encourage them to stay home, spending a billion dollars to provide them with sanitizer, offering to get them stuff at the store, etc. And then they go out anyway. I go to grocery store 1 to get something they requested and an hour later they tell me they’re at grocery store 2 shopping. Grocery store 2 is half a mile from 1 and I could easily have gone there!! Or they go out to eat or whatever. They seem to feel that this is serious but they also dont have to follow the advice strictly. So….I don’t know what to do either.

      2. Emily*

        I don’t think my parents are currently doing anything wildly inappropriate (my mom is on the internet/facebook enough to be acquainted with the concepts of social distancing, flattening the curve, etc.), but I do think I’m taking it more seriously than they are. On the phone a week ago, my mom said that it was really people over 65 who are higher-risk (both of my parents are 61). They’re also supposed to get their downstairs floors redone/kitchen remodeled in April (I suggested that they wait and my mom said they couldn’t – the contract work had been scheduled several months ago and signed and paid for) and I’m crossing my fingers that their state goes into a mandatory shelter-in-place (or similar) before then so that the work has to be postponed.

        Apparently multiple people in the family are putting pressure on my dad’s parents (early 80s with pre-existing conditions) to take it seriously. I’m not sure how that’s going, but I’m thinking of calling them this weekend to check in and say hi.

      3. Ranon*

        We did the “you need to stay home, this thing will kill you” phone calls last week. It’s not easy or fun! I’m sending my grandparents “here’s a cute picture of your grandkid, are you staying home?” texts every few days and I know my mom and sister are too.

      4. WellRed*

        My 71 year old aunt asked yesterday if I wanted to go with when she heads out of state to visit my 74 yo mom. What?! I told her no and btw, all the restaurants there are closed (big part of what we do for fun). Calling mom later to check in and gauge her level of taking it seriously.

      5. Nita*

        Ugh. I just found out two days ago that my 65-year-old father (who I thought is getting food deliveries) is still going to the store to pick out the produce – the “delivery” is just the store dropping it off afterwards. This despite the fact that there are actual delivery options available. He is NOT in good health and never has been, so I’m trying to steel myself for the fact that this will not go well… I can’t really shop for my parents because I’m probably more of a risk to them than whoever is in the store, at this point (I live an hour away, have been on the subway a lot, and there’s a confirmed case in my office). But it’s not necessary for me to shop for them, if they just get it through their head that they need to stop and make a different plan.

        And my 84-year-old aunt who has a long history of doing unsafe things – traveling all over town on her own, getting lost every single time, and buying all kinds of heavy produce that she has to get up and down several flights of subway stairs (none of this is necessary, she has ride options and her daughter or a health aide can shop for her). She’s gotten away with it so far, often by having someone from the family run out and find her when she’s lost/taking several hours to schlep that stupid produce that she could have just bought in a store next to her house. This year, though, who knows. Just this week she went halfway across town to shop, went to the Botanic Garden, and would have gone to a concert if the venue hadn’t closed its doors.

        My husband and I can’t parent these people… they’re all grown-ups. It feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

        1. WellRed*

          I honestly wouldn’t trust some insta shopper to pick out my produce. I’m picky about it.

          1. Dr. Anonymous*

            That’s fine under normal circumstances and I’ve seen some ugly produce. But people making choices like that now means a chance that you’re going to have a primary care doctor who hasn’t worked in a hospital in seven years picking out your vent settings, and means good friends of mine who work in critical care are going to be exposed to LOTS of virus all at once, likely with inadequate personal protective equipment, and possibly get infected and die. So I hope everyone is minimizing contact at the grocery store and that people at risk of complications are not going at all. The lives we save belong to other people.

      6. Seeking Second Childhood*

        A night or two ago Neil Gaiman retweeted something about this from someone in London it was interesting hearing that the Muslim Community there is having the same issue I’m having here with my in-laws. One of them said what finally convinced her father to stay home was that Hajj had been cancelled…so I tried it. My in-laws are divorced so I had to have the hard talk twice.
        Translated for religion: Pope Francis has cancelled public Holy Week events at the Vatican. That got my MIL to agree to watch TV mass. (Yay St. Clair!!)
        For FIL, I also pointed out the new statistics showing a blood type correlation. I’m O- which is the least likely to die if infected, my husband is A+ which is the most likely to die if infected.
        One of those two things worked, and my father-in-law has agreed to not drop by with dinner for 2 weeks and “see how the numbers are then.” Theoretically I’m now doing the marketing for him too since he’s nearby. And both are going to let someone else get the groceries.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I think I overstated it, maybe the Pope actually cancelled current public events and put Holy Week on a tentative list — but I’m willing to be wrong if it keeps them & us safe.
          (Likewise, it’s umrah currently cancelled because no foreigners can come into the city — but with people overseas making plans a few months out, many might have to miss this year regardless.)

        2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

          I read a post in Tumblr that said “You know shit got real when Jesus doesn’t regenerate this year”.

      7. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        In the last years, my father has reverted to a balding teenager, dismissing well intended advice, name calling and rude. I’m aware that there’s a high chance he’ll arrested sooner or later for breaking government mandated quarantine. Which will be better for him, but worse for us because the social backslash is merciless and has escalated to doxxing.

        1. fposte*

          I’m afraid of that extreme too. I think that people should stay the eff home and define “essential” a lot more literally than they are, but I also don’t want to get into a situation where we’re calling authorities on individuals because they stood too close to a neighbor.

      8. Sunflower*

        My father is 70 and refuses to stop going to the golf course- did I mention he had lung cancer last year? My parents live in the PA on the PA/DE border and while PA has totally shut done, DE has not. The course is practicing social distancing measures but my sister, who lives next door to my parents, is freaking out. Add this on top that my family already has weird communications outside of a pandemic happening. My mom is convinced my Dad had it back in January when a few of my family members got really sick for a few weeks- I would definitely not rule that out but there’s no way to know(or know if you can get it again)

        Lots of states/cities have put out guidance on social distancing, etc. I’d recommend just sending out what your state (or New York/CA guidance) has said with a ‘not sure if you saw this but this what everyone is doing these days!’ note. Offer to help with questions or concerns they have.

        At the end of the day, I need to accept that my parents are adults and I can’t make them do anything. They watch the news, everything in their state has been shut down. I live in NYC where things are really bad- you’d think it would make them more understanding but I think they see themselves as ‘not a hotbed’ so they aren’t worried .

        1. Mindovermoneychick*

          Your parents must live close to my parents. They are in Chadds Fords. My dad decided to drop golf because he doesn’t care about it that much anyway but was keeping up indoor tennis in DE last we talked. Calling today to see if that’s changed at all.

      9. Not A Manager*

        I have adult children in another city. They are in their 20’s, so too old to boss around but too young to have brains in their heads. They seem to think that “hygiene precautions” mean “when I take public transport I don’t actively lick the hold poles.” I try to give them measured advice, and I’ll repeat it a few times, but if they haven’t changed anything after hearing it seven times I’m not sure what an eighth repetition would accomplish. And I don’t want to turn every phone call into a lecture or they’ll just call less often.

        I’ve told them for weeks to stock up. Not, like, hoard ALL THE THINGS, but get enough that if they can’t leave the house for whatever reason they are okay for food and medical needs. So my kid called me yesterday and was like, “I needed flour so I went to the store and THEY WERE OUT OF FLOUR. So I went to another store and they HAD A LINE OUTSIDE.” My kid was shocked, shocked.

        You can only do what you can do. I am grateful that they have secure housing and as much chance of access to medical care as anyone else with health insurance.

      10. Salymander*

        My MIL went to the DMV after being told that she should stay home because she has recently (like, 2 months ago) been hospitalized for severe (almost fatal) respiratory illness. She is still going out with friends. She thinks that people who shower everyday and do deep breathing exercises will not get sick. She thinks that you can tell who is infected just by looking at them. We keep talking to get about it, but she is on the other side of the country. I am concerned for her and everyone around her.

    17. Rebecca*

      Central PA here – finally, stores are limiting items. And I was able to get toilet paper for my mother, through a friend who works where they make it, and she stood in line after a 12 hour shift with dozens of other workers to buy this one thing for us. Thank you card and gift card will be on its way. I got grocery pickup at Walmart last night, and there were things I just couldn’t get, nor in the other grocery store next door. I have never seen empty shelves like this, no eggs, butter, toilet paper, very few paper towels, no clorox or lysol liquid or wipes (I was able to get one small bottle of Pine Sol). There are now signs in the store limiting purchases, and I’m glad for that, so when supplies do come in, they’ll last a bit longer. Our stores have also reduced hours, Walmart from 24/7 to 7:30 AM to 8:30 PM.

      PennDOT reopened rest areas again for truckers. Zero idea who thought that through…gee, we have a state a bit over 300 miles wide, and with thousands of miles of roads for truckers to travel to bring us our stuff, so, we’ll close the rest areas. Facepalm. After a huge upcry from the people and legislators, finally opening some up again.

      And because PA has draconian liquor laws, and the stores are run by the State, they’re closed and in some cases boarded up. We had one store in my county, and there was a rush – announced Monday that by Tuesday night it would be closed. Now all non life sustaining businesses must close, originally by yesterday, but now pushed back to Monday to let them prepare. I’ve been working from home since Tuesday, and grateful. Interestingly, beer distributors “are to remain open” which is probably a good thing under the circumstances.

      All in all, OK here, I’m just going to go hiking, get out of my bunker, a/k/a basement office at regular times for a walk, just like I did at my office, and carry on as usual. I’m checking on older neighbors, from a distance :) making sure they’re OK and don’t need anything. That’s all we can do right now – stay away from each other, and wait it out. The first confirmed case in my area, in the county next door, was announced yesterday, so it’s coming.

      Oddly, I’m not worried about me, but I am about other people.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        Yeah, I’m in the South with similar liquor laws and I’m telling people to stock up on the liquor now, and if they’re into specialty beers… that too.

        1. OyHiOh*

          We might get be in the same state. A lot of local restaurants are making a big deal about alcohol to go with food orders. The alcohol sales generate the most income for a lot of restaurants. It’s a good move from a business perspective.

        2. Rebecca*

          We can only buy liquor at the PA State run liquor store, not in a grocery store or any other place. It’s only been within the last 2 years or so that we could buy beer in a grocery store or at a gas station instead of a beer distributor, and there are restrictions – like you can only take out so many ounces from the grocery store at one time, like a 12 pack. You have to literally go in, get a 12 pack, buy it, take it to the car, go back in, get a bottle of wine and another 6 pack, for example, buy that, go out, and if you want more, you just have to make as many transactions that way. I think it’s ridiculous.

          1. Sunflower*

            I think you can buy bottles of wine from restaurants if you’re in a pinch. Also some online retailers will ship to PA.

        3. Clisby*

          Mine (SC) is now allowing beer and wine to be sold curbside. Haven’t heard of anything like that for liquor – here, it comes under different laws.

      3. Panthera uncia*

        Closing the liquor stores is a really, really bad idea. Alcoholics who are cut off cold turkey can die.

        1. fposte*

          The cold truth is that some people will die as a result of the restrictions resulting from the virus. The question isn’t simply “Will people die if we close this?” but “Is it riskier for the populace as a whole to restrict this or keep it running?”

          1. Tau*

            It’s the terrible calculus of our time – all choices will end up killing people, and we have to figure out which ones will do the least harm. We’re almost certainly going to end up with a high death toll from COVID no matter what we do, too, the question is just how high. And even if things like car accidents are likely to go down, I shudder to think of what’s probably going to happen to the murder and suicide rates.

          2. Agnodike*

            Yes, but we’re not closing pharmacies. Alcohol is an addictive substance and also a necessary daily treatment for alcohol dependence outside of a managed care setting. If the pharmacy is an essential service, the liquor store is too, and if they’re going to close, there needs to be a plan in place for distribution.

            1. fposte*

              I’m not arguing for closing liquor stores; I’m arguing that “some people will die” isn’t enough right now to say “then we won’t do it.” Liquor stores are not equivalent to a pharmacies in a lot of ways, , including regulation and alternative availability in a lot of areas; the decision shouldn’t yoke them together.

              1. Agnodike*

                Actually, I think it’s eminently reasonable, as someone who works in health policy and management, to take into account whether our public health policy decisions will disproportionately impact people who are already vulnerable and under-resourced, as the people most likely to die of the DTs are. We should be careful when we make a decision that may negatively impact the safety of a group to put alternatives in place wherever possible, and this is certainly a place where it’s been demonstrated to be possible. Being cavalier about human life is something to do only when all alternatives have been exhausted, and only while being mindful that our society and its citizens tend to unfairly value some lives above others.

                1. fposte*

                  I agree entirely with your comment there. I think your real message is “People should be aware that closing liquor stores may be harmful in ways they don’t realize,” and that I’m on board with. The point I’m making is independent of whether we’re talking liquor stores or pet stores or pharmacies–the math isn’t simply “Closing this will hurt people,” it’s also “How much will it hurt the community, and how much will it hurt the community to keep it open.” There’s no group that should be proof against that kind of calculus, and that’s why I can’t get on board with a statement that says “X shouldn’t be closed because it hurts group A.” We’re past the point where decisions can be made solely on what hurts any group A.

        2. BummerinPA*

          Way late to this, but in Pennsylvania they are actually keeping beer distributors open for this very reason. Which is sad, but I guess helpful for hospitals. Also, the beer distributors supply to restaurants and grocery stores. Because, yes, this is a weird place.

      4. Nervous Nellie*

        Hiya! Ahem – worried for your Mum, you kindly got her TP, and yet you think it’s odd that you are more worried about others than yourself? You are the soul of generosity, my friend!

        Here in WA we are very hard-hit, but our Governor doesn’t yet feel the need to lock us down. Yet. He’s getting there, though, because reporters keep busting people by showing them congregating in parks, beaches, etc. People have blown up his Twitter feed begging him to quarantine us all. Good thing I hit the liquor store a couple of weeks ago. :) I’ve been in for a week, and am ready for more.

        Grocery stores’ social distancing practices here are very hit and miss – some are doing crowd control at the doors, others are doing nothing at all. I won’t need to go out for at least a week, and am worried what I might face when I do. I can live with empty shelves, but not crowded stores. We have had grocery shortages before here when people have prepped for a freak snowfall, so the sight of empty shelves won’t be a big deal. Just inconvenient.

        When you think about it, this could be so much worse. We are not facing a plague of locusts (like Congo), Ebola with its horrible symptoms, a nuclear attack, or an earthquake. We have hot & cold running water, central heating, TV and internet, and each other. While many of us have or will lose jobs (myself included – and yes, I am scared about that) and face great financial uncertainty, we will still have our lives. This is going to strip away all the things that don’t matter. But to be clear, liquor stores matter, LOL.

        1. Rebecca*

          Stay safe out there – I’ve seen the news stories. This could be so much worse! I just realized I was out of mayo, but if I can’t buy any tomorrow, I’ll make some with my immersion blender, an egg, and mustard powder (or whatever it is you put in it, have to look up the recipe). I would like a 5 lb bag of flour. I’m hungry for cake, so I thought I’d make one.

          You mentioned grocery stores – when I went to the store last night, and then for grocery pickup, a woman went into the lobby, grabbed a bunch of wipes, and passed them out to us near the cart area. We all stayed away from each other, and people did in the store did too. I used hand sanitizer many times in the store, and handed an item to a disabled person on a scooter because she couldn’t reach (I asked first, she was glad for the help) and I used sanitizer again before touching the item and handing it to her. While there were a lot of empty spots, people were nicer, more patient and it was more calm.

          Good luck out there. And man, if our governor took our beer away at a time like this – yikes. Put me in the bunker for 2 weeks but don’t take away my Yuengling!!

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Oh, what a hoot! Yeah, Yuengling. Wow – had it once. I think it’s the oldest American brewery. A national treasure at any rate.

            Your supermarket story is encouraging. We have nothing so calm and orderly here.

            And three cheers for resourcefulness! Homemade mayo is so delicious. You’ve inspired me – I am going to make a quiche today from meat & potato leftovers. That will conserve my eggs and prevent waste. I have a couple of cups of flour left – just enough, and better that I should make that than cookies! :)

            Be safe!

      5. Jaid*

        Some Philly supermarkets sell beer and liquor, so I picked up a bottle of Manischewitz Concord Grape while on a grocery run. I still forgot to pick up butter though. Sigh.

        Oh and while getting take-out, some dude was coughing a freaking lot. If I get the virus because I wanted some onion rings, I’m gonna be so mad at myself.

      6. Mimmy*

        Our state (NJ) is on lockdown beginning tonight at 9 pm; liquor stores are considered essential. I thought it was funny until a friend pointed out something similar to what Panthera uncia said above, that those with alcohol use problems would go into withdrawal and needing to be hospitalized – that’s the last thing hospitals need right now.

        1. Epsilon Delta*

          My being a Wisconsinite may be informing this response, but I imagine that closing off access to one of the few legal drugs at this point in time would incite a Lot of Resistance and Emotions. In addition to the alcoholics who medically need the alcohol, everybody is looking for ways to take the edge off a little.

          1. Mimblewimble*

            Here in Seattle, cannabis sales have increased since the outbreak started. Guess that’s how people around here are dealing with isolation.

    18. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      We’re on lockdown since yesterday. I’m doing just fine, but some people I know are not enjoying this, especially hypochondriacs. In my case, I noticed that my skin is itchy and so sensitive than a mosquito bite left a red patch the size of my hand.

      1. Mimblewimble*

        I’m in Seattle. We’re not on lockdown yet, but it’s coming. My mom is out of work through May (she works in a dental office), and my dad is worried he’ll lose his job at a car dealership, especially now that the big 3 automakers have stopped production. I’m a little worried that I’ll end up supporting both parents (they’re divorced), which will eat through my savings.

        My brother just returned from an overseas deployment so he’s in a mandatory 14 day quarantine. His girlfriend is a nurse and her hospital just had it’s first positive COVID-19 case a few days ago. So she’s worried about infecting my brother. And I had to convince my grandma to not visit her uncle who’s in a nursing home, which was important to her as her social life and things that she normally does to stay active have all stopped so she’s feeling depressed.

        I’ve been sick since Tuesday with symptoms but they’re not bad enough to be tested, according to my doctor. Thankfully it’s just been a bad route of the flu and nothing worse – no breathing problems or high fever.

        On a positive note, I have a secure job where I can WFH, my company is in a position to handle what’s going on with COVID-19, I have plenty of food so I don’t need to go out (I live alone and delivery services are overwhelmed to the point where I can’t even select a delivery day or time), and I don’t mind staying at home for long periods at a time.

        Stay positive, stay safe, and wash your hands!

    19. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m insomniac in the best of times and this is not the best of times. Middle of the night I find myself dwelling on nightmare scenarios. Usually they melt away after a good night’s sleep. But then Spring Break really did go off like a modern “Masque of the Red Death.”
      So last night’s catastrophising hasn’t faded …

    20. Llellayena*

      Corona and crafting!

      So I saw on tv last night that there are places around the country asking people who can sew to make masks. I promptly emailed my quilt guild and we are now looking into we could do that locally (the stories on tv were far away, not sure how much is happening around here). If anyone has info on this happening in/near NJ, please post so I can pass the info on. Or jump on the wagon to make some for your locality!

      Alternately, anyone else crafting to relieve the boredom of isolation? What are you making?

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Good to read this! I hope it’s actually helpful (do you need special supplies? Or just a thin layer of padding between the front and back cover?) but it sounds like a great way to give people something constructive to do with their time. That is, the people who actually have free time. Many home-bound folks are caretakers for the young and old. Others are trying to meet (unrealistic?) workplace productivity demands while also wrangling cooped-up kids or spouses/companions. Then there are the unfortunate souls whose domestic unhappiness of whatever type has just been captured in amber. Not fun being stuck at home with a lousy, or worse, companion. I am grateful not to belong to this group.

        1. Anono-me*

          Forbes has mask making instructions that look pretty good. Apparently a tight weave to the fabric and a snug fit to the mask are both very important. (These are instructions for better than nothing masks, not for medical grade masks)

          I don’t have elastic, but I do have hair bands.

          I am going to try to do the Forbes pattern except use a fabric strip looped around the hair band for the ear loops so they can stretch and be snug.

        2. Llellayena*

          The 100m masks linked above uses medical grade supplies, but they hand out kits since that fabric is not commercially available. The other patterns I found use 100% cotton, tight weave. As a quilter, I don’t think that will be a problem for me! Right now I’m just not sure which version will be needed around here and how to arrange where they go when they’re complete.

      3. Emily*

        I actually picked up watercolor painting a few months ago! It’s been nice to have a new, low-stakes, creative hobby in addition to my usual outlets. It’s also a good difficulty level for me: easy enough to paint something that I’m pleased with (because I’m pretty good at drawing and have dabbled in a lot of different arts and crafts over the years), but also a lot for me to learn and work on if I so choose (because I have very little experience with this specific medium).

        Maybe this would also be a good time for me to finally finish the climbing chalk bag that I started making for my boyfriend several years ago…but I haven’t picked it back up yet. The crocheted outside of the bag is completed, but I need to finish the inner bag/closure and sew everything together. Instead of working off of a single pattern, I found around 3 or 4 slightly different patterns/tutorials online and decided that I understood the general concept, which has added a little extra decision-making and problem-solving along the way.

      6. Epsilon Delta*

        My best friend’s birthday is on Tuesday, so I made her a card and a collage of old photos from high school and our early 20s. Mailed it out yesterday, so it might not reach her by Tuesday, but hopefully it brightens her day. Seeing all the old photos lifted my spirits.

    21. JDC*

      Well we are locked down now. Also lengthens kids at home time. He was already 2 weeks into spring break when they stopped school thats fun. Husband was told he won’t be back to work until May.

    22. Coronanonymous*

      Is anyone else dealing with disagreements between themselves and a partner or roommate about how much risk is acceptable, how intensely we should be social distancing, etc.

      1. Coronanonymous*

        Huh, I had a much longer post written out with more context, but only the first paragraph I wrote appeared after I submitted.

      2. WellRed*

        I have 2 roommates. One hasn’t left the house in nearly two weeks and got us stocked (not in a greedy way) with Lysol and TP. Other roommate., who just moved in and now moving out works healthcare adjacent so still working. Not helping with disinfecting and I think she went home for the weekend. Grrr! I just want her gone.

        1. Anonymous ball of anxiety*

          That’s got to be stressful with Roommate #2. As I waffle back and forth between feeling OK and feeling terrified, I sometimes look to how folks in the health care field are behaving for reassurance. My doctor is still in the “just wash your hands and stay 6′ from everyone” camp, and I recently had a video conference with some health professionals who were all in a room together, although sitting a little further apart than usual. But I wonder whether I should find that reassuring, as maybe they have a higher tolerance for risk or just feel like they’re all going to get sick anyway because they can’t stop working.

      3. Panthera uncia*

        My husband has the worst ADHD you can imagine. Like the amount of Adderall it took to rein in his symptoms was putting him into organ failure, so they had to back him off.

        So, you can imagine the fights we’re having over his climbing the walls and insisting that he has to “get the hell out of the house” constantly.

      4. Filosofickle*

        Yes. My partner is taking shelter in place mostly seriously, but that’s only because there’s nowhere to go! Still, he doesn’t take it as seriously as me. If gyms weren’t closed, I doubt I could have gotten him to stay home from that. Yesterday he went to hang out with his mom and brother, who live in separate homes but visit almost daily. His brother has an essential job with a utility so he continues to go to work with lots of people every day. How many people is he coming into contact with? Their mom is in her 70s, I can’t believe the brother is risking bringing all that to her.

        Personally I am choosing not to see anyone or visit any other household, including my own 75 y.o. parents. (Who are high risk and aren’t fully isolating themselves.) I’m doing everything I can to stay safe and it upsets me that my partner makes me more vulnerable.

        1. Mimblewimble*

          If your partner is going to continue to visit his family, he should think about taking disinfectant wipes or hand sanitizer with him so he can wipe down surfaces. COVID-19 can spread through surfaces, so it’s not only about who his family is coming into contact with (who could then pass on something to him), but also about what he and they are touching that may harbor the virus (which can then be passed on to him or his family).

          Stay safe!

          1. Filosofickle*

            I wish we had some! We have a well-stocked pantry, but no wipes or hand sanitizer. (It’s not something we buy and by the time it registered they were necessary, they were gone.) Just yesterday I heard of a restock spotted at Target so maybe there’s hope.

            1. Natalie*

              If you have household bleach and a spray bottle you can make a dilute bleach solution for disinfecting. I posted a CDC link down thread with ratios.

    23. Coronanon*

      Is anyone else dealing with disagreements between themselves and a partner or roommate about how much risk is acceptable, how intensely we should be social distancing, etc.?

      My partner and I live in a part of the US that still has pretty low apparent infection numbers (though with the lack of testing, we can’t know the true numbers). So far, the state and local governments have closed restaurants and bars and all large gatherings, But there are the beginnings of community spread, and we do live in a city.

      I’ve always been more risk averse than my partner, and this has caused minor fights in the past. In our current situation, while she’s taking coronavirus seriously (working from home, not going out socially), I worry she won’t take social distancing as far as I think is necessary. For example, she said even if/when there is a big outbreak in our region, she’s still want to go visit her (young and middle aged) family members in a nearby every month or two in person as long as they’re we’re asymptomatic, unless the government orders our community to shelter in place. I, on the other hand, think we need to be prepared to not really see anyone for many months, possibly even longer, starting right now, and try to follow public health guidance as intensely as possible. This is partly for our own health, but also for the community.

      We’re young and largely healthy, though I have a mild case of asthma (it’s well-controlled with medication) which worries me a bit. No one else loves with us.

      It’s frustrating to disagree with my partner about this because it is so serious. I’m not asking which of me or my partner is right, but more for commiseration and/or advice about being in this type of situation.

      1. Anonymous ball of anxiety*

        I’m in a similar situation, in a similar-sounding part of the US. Not sure if you’re noticing this, too, but it’s made more complicated by the fact that my partner’s and my levels of risk tolerance vary from day to day. I went from having a panic attack pumping gas last weekend to feeling OK going to the store yesterday and seeing close friends (who’ve also been having this debate among themselves) for some socially distant drinks to freaking out this morning about how everything I did yesterday was a terrible idea that’s going to get me and a bunch of people killed. My partner’s feelings vary, too – one minute he’s more risk averse than me and I’m the one volunteering to make a grocery run, and the next he’s saying he feels fine grabbing some takeout.

        I think it would help to have more clear and consistent guidance from public health officials. There are still so many mixed signals right now, with so many people in our area still working alongside one another and the public that it feels weird to voluntarily self-isolate completely, and the space for making judgment calls is where we’re having arguments. A shelter-in-place order would remove that space for debate and hopefully we’ll be on the same page.

      2. 90 supply nogo for controlled substances*

        I sympathize with you regarding your uninformed partner. She needs to educate herself with regards to spreading the Coronavirus. She’s the one who could be asymptomatic and giving it to her family members, rather than the other way around.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Part of the problem with this type of discussion is that it’s going out into the future. For the sake of your relationship, you could both agree to use a wait and see approach. Often times people will say X but when the rubber meets the road they actually do Y. This can be because in the moment there is new information or a more pressing problem. Being in the moment gives us a clarity we do not have now.

        I have a good friend (we depend on each other) and we see things a bit differently. But we both can agree to focus on the needs of today and the needs of this week. This gives us more opportunities to agree with each other than disagree with each other.

        Keep your basics in place. Promise to take care of each other. Promise to keep yourselves up to date so you two can make good decisions this week that you will actually be acting on. You can decide to agree that losing time arguing about the future causes you guys to lose the present. Vow to keep yourselves in present time so you stay sharp.

      4. Epsilon Delta*

        Husband is usually more risk averse than me. That has flipped and now I am the one being extra cautious. For the most part we are in agreement but disagree on the details. Example: He wants to keep going to stores while being careful, whereas I want to order online and pay extra for shipping. I talked to my husband and quoted back something he said to me, “if people don’t stop doing non-optional outings then they’re going to force us to shelter in place,” and since he had said it to me a day ago (referring to the idiots going on spring break) it seemed to sink in. He’s still interpreting “non-optional” differently than me though.

      5. Mimblewimble*

        If you haven’t already, it might be worth having a conversation with your partner about COVID-19, your concerns and theirs, and see if you guys can come to an agreement on what you will do (with the understanding that your plan of action may change as the situation changes). There may be room for compromise: for example, unless your local and state public health officials say otherwise, it may be fine for your partner to continue to visit family and friends as long as she practices social distancing.

        If they refuse to take basic precautionary measures, then I think it’s ok if you take actions that make you feel safe, such as having a plan of shelter in place orders are given; or maybe you clean high touch surfaces more often than normal. Ultimately you have to do what makes you feel safe without going crazy, while maintaining your relationship.

        It’s a tough situation all around, and there is no easy answer. But having a conversation so you can both better understand where the other is coming from, is a good place to start.

        Stay positive and stay safe!

      6. Arts Akimbo*

        Just today I had a small argument about what emergency supplies we needed. He was having a panic attack about the money it was costing us to stock up to the CDC-recommended 30-day food stores, but I mean… it would be more of a panic later on, should we be going hungry– or, heaven forbid, uncaffeinated! He settled down afterwards and is glad we have it, but… man. Y2K all over again!

        1. Filosofickle*

          I recommend this to anyone who can at all afford it, if you’re in a place where stores haven’t been cleaned out. We have shelter in place and can barely get week’s worth of groceries — canned and boxed goods were wiped out and not coming back fast enough. Meat is scarce. Flour is nowhere to be found. It will all be replenished, but there’s going to be weeks of sporadically empty shelves first. Anyone who can get ahead of this absolutely should. (Especially the caffeine!)

    24. fposte*

      I love the at home, but there’s too much stressful stuff for it to be really enjoyable. I take a walk twice a day, and neighbor kids down the street have chalked messages in the street, so I’m going to go down later and draw some responses (thanks to Oy, I have chalk!). Definitely doing FaceTime and Zoom socializing and trying to schedule that so I get some human input on a regular basis. I hope it doesn’t get too far into the political to say I’ve actually found my state’s messaging to be pretty good, being serious without being alarmist, and the additional speakers at daily press conferences are really well chosen to speak to different ongoing concerns.

    25. ThatGirl*

      My birthday is a week from Sunday and my plans have all fallen away. I live in Illinois and we’re now under a shelter in place order starting tonight. I’m still thinking about what local businesses I can support to make it a little more special. But instead of a spa day I’m gonna have to settle for a bubble bath and facial mask.

      Oh, and the dog is sick so I have to take him to the vet in a bit. Joy.

      Oh well. At least my husband’s employer finally got its sh&t together.

      1. The Rat-Catcher*

        I wish my husband’s employer would. His and mine are both essential services, the job functions are identical, yet mine is making every effort to get by with a skeleton crew and his has sent home NO ONE. (Really, they are fudging by classifying him as “essential” given that an injury is currently preventing him from performing his regular job duties.) I’m so mad.

    26. Canuck girl*

      Anyone getting their coats dry cleaned these days…and you trust it? My washer isn’t suited for one of my winter coats. The coat really needs cleaning and I’ve been wearing it to get groceries and had put my hands in the pockets…which to me now, feels like there are cesspools of bacteria in the pockets…uggh.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Do you have a dryer?
        I use those at home dry cleaning kits. I follow the instructions on the box. It works probably just as well as an actual dry cleaner in my opinion. I have never been that impressed with the results of dry cleaning so this is FWIW.

        1. Canuck girl*

          I have a dryer, but I fear the coat may be ruined. I have another coat that’s down-filled and that’s a whole other ballgame. I will look into the home dry cleaning kits, thank you.

          1. fposte*

            Does it need cleaning because it’s dirty or are you wanting a cordon sanitaire for the virus? While they haven’t pinned down an exact time yet, it’s clear the virus is only viable for a finite amount of time on objects. 72 hours seems to be the top estimate; put the coat away for a week if you want a margin for error.

            1. Anon PhD*

              Great reminder, thank you. And part of my decision was just made for me anyway…the drycleaner called and said they are closing for two weeks, so I get to pick up my clothes, but not drop off any. And the jacket in question, well, I’ll need to order that home dry cleaning kit.

    27. m*

      The racism around this whole thing is so depressing. And I’m talking about stuff that goes far far beyond just ‘steer clear of Asian people/restaurants’. The reaction to /anything/ China does is so frustrating –
      Report that numbers are down: obviously they’re lying
      Report that they’re donating supplies to other countries: PROPAGANDA!
      Report about them doing anything helpful at all: all of this is their fault! They should pay!

      I mean…you don’t have to believe their numbers and you can accuse them of trying to spin the story. I’m Chinese and have friends in the mainland and none of us take anything the officials report as given. But that doesn’t change the fact that once the virus got beyond their borders it was up to respective governments to protect their own citizens.

      If you wonder what ‘counts as racist’ and what’s simply ‘stating the facts’, it’s in the way the blame is worded. The US government also tried to downplay/cover-up the severity of the situation, and did f-all for over a month despite having so many warnings. Yet when people acknowledge this they’d talk about the administration and the politicians, but when talking about the Chinese situation they go straight to saying ‘you can’t trust the Chinese’. That’s the point of distinction.

      You can be angry with their government (and all the people responsible for wet markets and all other forms of cruelty), but don’t group the entire country into the same basket just because we all look the same to you. The most ironic part is that the US /voted/ their leaders in, while the ordinary citizens in China had no choice.

      I really need to stop reading comment sections.

      1. fposte*

        I have been hugely touched by how many of my contacts in China, some whom I’ve never met in person, have gotten in touch to ask how we’re doing and to give quarantine advice.

      2. Clisby*

        Oh, no kidding. I just read an opinion piece in the Wall Street Journal about the fact that, in return for the Vatican and Italy donating medical equipment early in the outbreak in Wuhan, China is now sending ventilators, masks, test kits, and 300 Chinese intensive-care doctors and nurses to help out Italy. Of course the author has to point out that this is not purely altruistic – China’s looking for good PR, and some of the medical equipment is made in China. Like, sure, countries always deal with each other out of pure altruism.

      3. AnonoDoc*

        I am so sorry!

        I keep telling people that if the outbreak had started here in the US it would have taken FAR longer to notice and identify the new virus. And the honest truth is NO country has accurate statistics right now, though Singapore and S. Korea look to have the most robust data.

      4. Dan*

        Given the order in which you wrote this, my first response (while reading) was, “well, one *cannot* trust the numbers reported by the Chinese media, and if one wants to call that racist, then so be it.” Heck, you even say your friends don’t trust the numbers.

        But I think you buried the lede a bit, so to speak. Your third paragraph make salient points, but TBH, I think it’s much bigger than that. You are absolutely correct that in the US, we refer to our political administration at almost all levels by the name of the person holding the highest office for that branch. That is, we refer to Trump by name far more often than we make abstract references to “The President of the United States.” And when one refers to “Washington” in the context of “Washington is broken”, they are referring to a political body far broader than the presidency.

        To the point I think you’ve made, for whatever reason (and I never thought of it as racist) Western media doesn’t emphasize the names of high-ranking Chinese politicians. Heck, while I very much recognize the name “Xi Jinping”, I had to google his actual position (and wiki attributes him to holding three positions.) We often see references to “Beijing” or even “China” when talking about politics, with the reference being the Chinese national government, and not the people itself.

        Don’t get me wrong, comments by non-media/non-politicians that say things like “this whole things started because Chinese people eat weird animals” are definitely racist. At the same time, we’ve seen SARS, the avian bird flu, and now COIVD-19 originate from China, and I have no idea why that is.

        1. nom de plume*

          “At the same time, we’ve seen SARS, the avian bird flu, and now COIVD-19 originate from China, and I have no idea why that is.”
          It’s also irrelevant to keep harping on it at this point, the way Trump and other outlets deliberately does. It’s despicable.

          1. Dan*

            I stated a fact. I didn’t harp, sorry if it’s uncomfortable.

            And I don’t hang on every word from Trump, far from it. In fact, I very seldom listen to any audio of his speeches and I never read his tweets.

            1. Blueberry*

              To epidemiologists, probably. Unless you’re an epidemiologist, how do you plan to apply this knowledge in everyday life?

              1. Eeeek*

                Oh I don’t honestly think it applies to me personally. It is irrelevant to harp on it, not irrelevant information to have I meant.

                1. Blueberry*

                  I agree with you totally — I was trying to reply to ‘…’s insistence on amateur epidemiology (and before that to Dan’s “these three dangerous diseases emerged from a particular country! WHO KNOWS WHY *hint hint*”), and had a nesting fail. I think your comments here have been excellent. :)

          3. Tau*

            And, y’know, it doesn’t actually surprise me that the second most populated country on Earth which includes areas with very dense population and also people working closely with livestock might be the origin point for a few unpleasant animal-to-human virus transfers. The Chinese government is also clearly aware of it, given that they had a quick and drastic enough response that they managed to isolate and contain the virus within their borders. The fact that we didn’t take their warnings seriously enough and didn’t manage the same is, frankly, on us.

        2. AnonoDoc*

          And the “Spanish” flu of 1918 probably originated in Oklahoma. So what?

          Diseases do not respect boundaries.

        3. Lora*

          Dan, here is the thing: there is an entire branch of science devoted to the study of emerging diseases, which anyone can spend many lifetimes studying. You don’t know it, because you did not study epidemiology and microbiology in school, okay, that’s fine, everyone cannot possibly be an expert in everything. So you have two choices: 1) take some classes, do some reading, find out the actual reasons why new diseases emerge where they do 2) trust what experts who have spent their lives studying these things have to say about it. But when people throw their hands in the air and say, “well I dunno…” it comes across as extremely disingenuous.

          I get very frustrated with people who say, as certain politicians are wont to do, “who knew that?!? *I* didn’t know that!” like all the branches of knowledge of all fields, everywhere, in excruciating detail, should be somehow transmitted to them in grade school. While this is certainly the Victorian ideal of a liberal arts education, there is an upper limit of how long any given degree can be, and I don’t reckon you’d have loved to spend an extra several years in school learning about something you’d rarely use in real life, unrelated to your field of study.

          Diseases tend to emerge in warmish climates, where the population density is high, where people travel and come into close contact frequently, and where a zoonotic pathogen has an opportunity to mix, mingle and recombine several times across species: this gives it more opportunities to find a genetic combination that is more adaptive in humans. In North America, this has occurred in the form of hantavirus, West Nile, EEE, norovirus (though one strain seems to be from northern Europe), various prion diseases (Elk Wasting Disease, scrapie, BSE), various tickborne diseases that are now emerging, dengue. In South America, there have been some novel hemorrhagic fevers and of course Zika. In Africa, it’s been Ebola, Lassa and Chikungunya. In Europe, they’ve most notably had CJD.

          In some regions there are environmentally specific causes of new disease emergence. In countries where antibiotics are either over-used or discharged into the environment without pollution controls, multi-drug-resistant bacterial infections are common (e.g. MRSA, Cdiff and CREs in the US).

          New pathogens emerge in a lot of places (even in now-thawing polar regions), and epidemiologists and public health organizations do their very best on extremely thin shoestring budgets to raise awareness, but they can only do so much. If you want some reading while you’re cooped up, a good one for lay people is Laurie Garrett’s The Coming Plague, though it’s a little older now.

      7. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

        Yeah – it’s racism when you are quick to judge an entire demographic (especially one as huge as the Chinese population) by their most negative players.

        I mean, I’m sure a lot of people judge Americans by the Trump administration, but if you are American, you can’t ignore the fact that our government has done a piss poor job of handling this crisis compared to other countries, and we are not in a position to look down on other governments.

        Also, if you’re going to avoid Chinese restaurants, you should avoid ALL restaurants. Anyone can be a carrier of this virus.

    28. Nervous Nellie*

      Hi AAM friends!
      A couple of happy links to cheer up the homestay, educate the home schooled, and remind us that there is still beauty in the world.

      Downloadable coloring book pages from classical paintings:
      https://lifehacker.com/download-coloring-pages-from-over-100-museums-1832753859

      Google Arts & Culture – Collections – links to hundreds of virtual museum tours around the world. Turn up the brightness on your monitor, and visit the Rijksmuseum, the Louvre, the Uffizi Gallery and a bajillion more:
      https://artsandculture.google.com/partner?hl=en

    29. Epsilon Delta*

      Something I have not seen anything about is child custody exchanges. We have to do three exchanges a week, and it’s not even a semi-friendly situation so it’s not like we can say “hey you or we will hang on to the kid until this blows over and then we’ll work out makeup time.” We have to stick exactly to the agreement. I’m not sure how that would be handled when we go into “shelter in place.” Is it considered essential travel?

      1. Renata Ricotta*

        In California, a legally binding custody agreement would probably be considered contact required to perform a “legally mandated activity.” I’m sorry you’re not in a situation where you can’t negotiate a common sense emergency adjustment, that’s really tough. :(

      2. fposte*

        Right now in my state it is: “Following the direction of law enforcement or court order, including to transport children pursuant to a custody agreement” is considered essential travel. But it’s going to depend on your jurisdiction’s terms and whether they’ve hammered those details out.

      3. Filosofickle*

        Ooh, I was wondering about this. We’re in shelter in place right now, and a friend of mine has a contentious shared custody situation. I’m curious how they’re handling it but of course it’s none of my business so I’m not asking!

        That would definitely be approved travel. (FWIW, we’re on SIP but it’s not like cops are monitoring travel. It’s a long way til that kind of thing happens.) My question would be safety. It seems like the only safe way to do it is to maintain strict isolation for both households, so the child can’t transfer anything. I get that idea from SIP guidelines — they said you can visit another family but only if you stay isolated and agree that you only visit each other. But what are the odds of getting a difficult ex to do that?

      4. Tau*

        My brother has resigned himself to not getting his visitation rights until this is all over and is trying for daily Skype sessions with his daughter until things calm down. But that’s an every-other-weekend visitation situation, not three times a week, and although relations cannot be called friendly by any means (and I’m quite doubtful he’ll get make-up time) it sounds like both parties are still a little more able to arrange a compromise than what you’re dealing with. I’m sorry!

    30. Gatomon*

      I’m freaking out – my longest and closest friend started having COVID-19 symptoms last night and is in a high-risk category. She doesn’t have a high enough fever to get officially tested because her state is low on tests, but her symptoms are pretty much a lock for it. So far she’s reported it’s mild, but I’m super worried for her of course.

      I’m thousands of miles away so there’s no way I’ve been exposed via her, but apparently this is really seriously happening….

      1. Gatomon*

        My friend appears to only have mild symptoms so far, which is a huge relief. I just got back from a grocery run and was able to actually find a small handsoap thing, a massive jug of Dawn and garbage bags (all of which I needed).

        Not driving to work has confirmed my car has some sort of electrical problem though. I first saw this when I spent a week at home sick back in January, but it appears it’s back again. If I don’t start it every 3 – 4 days, the battery dies. This will probably end in a trip to the mechanic though, I’m a disaster with anything beyond changing windshield wipers.

    31. Panthera uncia*

      A friend of our family died on Wednesday (a stroke, not corona) and the family can’t have a funeral. I can’t imagine piling that on top of the usual grieving process. I feel so terrible for them.

      1. Oxford Comma*

        Yeah, we’re facing that too. I feel horrible. It’s one of my mother’s oldest friends and someone we’ve known all our lives. No wake, no funeral. All I can do is send a card.

    32. All the Time in the World*

      I’m taking voluntary Safety Leave Due Emergency Conditions leave from work for the next two weeks, since I have some health problems that put me at higher risk from Covid. Last night I forgot to put my glasses on the night stand beside my bed and instead put them on my large bed. So guess what happened? The lenses are still fine, but I might need new frames. I have another pair to use, but I don’t like them as much. I’m going to Costco later today and see if they can repair them or put them in new frames, but I was planning on staying put for at least a couple of days.

    33. Tris Prior*

      My partner’s sister lives in a small town in another state, and is a flaming Republican. She and her husband (who is a first responder, FFS) thinks all of this is no big deal and it’s just like the flu and it’s a Democrat conspiracy. It’s people like her who are going to drive the spread of this thing. She is making no effort to social distance whatsoever and is mostly pissed off that a band she was going to see cancelled their tour. I’m so angry with her. Partner was the one talking to her and he couldn’t convince her otherwise, she will not listen to us because we are the godless heathen liberals.

      The thing that hit me really hard today was the email from my vet saying that if our pet is sick or injured enough to be brought in (we have to call for triage first and may be prescribed meds over the phone if that’s possible), we have to call the vet when we’ve parked, they will come out to the car in protective gear (assuming there is any) and get our pet and take them inside, and we have to wait in the car. They’ll call us during the exam to explain what they’re doing. I understand why. But my cats are terrified at the vet and the thought of not being able to be in there to comfort them as they’re being poked at by strangers hit me hard. Let’s hope they stay healthy, meanwhile my daredevil girl kitty is giving me heart attacks on the regular with her complete disregard for her own safety!

      1. ThatGirl*

        I had to take my dog to the vet this morning. They picked him up from the car and the doc called me to discuss. No protective gear but she kept her distance. It went fine, but I hope your kitties stay well.

        1. Tris Prior*

          I hope your dog is OK!
          The other issue is that we don’t have a car. If we have to sit and wait in the car, I can’t take Lyft, so that means a zipcar and who knows who was just coughing in it. And since we’re now shelter in place, it will be even more impossible to buy anything to clean the car with; wipes were completely gone 2 weeks ago already.

          But, there’s nothing wrong with them at present, so I am trying not to let the what-ifs get to me.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Thank you :) He’ll be fine, he has a sensitive tummy and picked a bad time to get into something he shouldn’t.

            I’m sure your kitties will be fine but I understand the anxiety.

        2. Sophia Brooks*

          Weird. It was the vet thing that got to me, too. I feel that my vets are able to read the real medical articles and know what they are talking about, and that they love animals and want to be able to treat them. I was getting consistant texts throughout the week with rapidly increasing measures. I thought if the vets were that freaked out, there must be something real.

          With regard to the Lyft, I bet you could get out of the Lyft and have them meet you on the sidewalk? At least that is how my vet’s is.

        3. KR*

          Same – took my dog in today. They came down to get him, did their thing, communicated through the phone. They did a great job.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Our vet is great but I did forget to ask a question and they closed shortly after I left. I may need to call them tomorrow.

    34. KoiFeeder*

      I don’t know if this qualifies for corona or not- I would be really surprised if it was, because I’m high-risk in like three different ways -but I’ve had a 101º fever for three days and I’m just sitting here like “is this a virus? is this complications from gallbladder surgery? is this an autoimmune flare?” and I cannot get through to any doctors. Yay. At least it’s just a fever and nothing else.

      1. Anonymous ball of anxiety*

        I hope you feel better soon! If you can’t reach a doctor and want to talk to someone, does your health insurance company have a nurse hotline you could try?

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I am not on speaking terms with my health insurance because their call line is designed to filter out robocallers and I don’t have enough vocal affect to use the speech commands without being hung up on. I legitimately have to ask other people to call my insurance for me because there’s no number commands and my mouth noises are not good enough.

          It’s kind of sad, actually.

      3. Former Employee*

        “I cannot get through to any doctors.”

        I understand why it might be difficult to get through to primary care doctors now, but I don’t know why it would be a problem to get in touch with the surgeon who did the gall bladder surgery.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Well, to be honest… I haven’t called that surgeon. I was a bit of a surprise case in the ER, so my surgery was a “we literally cannot comprehend how your gallbladder didn’t explode hours ago, we need to you to go under ASAP” sort of deal and they just kinda grabbed the first surgeon they saw.

          She typically works with cancer patients, and the last thing I want to do is show up in the cancer care center with a potentially contagious disease (it’s probably not COVID, but that’s cold comfort to people undergoing chemo!).

            1. KoiFeeder*

              If you all think that’s a good idea, I will, because y’all are adultier adults here.

              I just can’t do anything today. No doctors on sunday. :p

              1. Old and Don’t Care*

                Did you get post op instructions? When a relative of mine had surgery a few weeks ago, he received a sheaf of discharge instructions including what temperature represented a fever that he should call the surgeon’s office for. (And, I think, for what time period those instructions applied.)

      4. Anono-me*

        Good morning.

        I hope that you are feeling better today and that you were able to get ahold of a medical professional yesterday.

    35. Loopy*

      So. Cleaning in the age of Corona. What are others doing for areas like the kitchen? Products? Frequency? Reliable guidelines?

      1. Tris Prior*

        I’d also like to know what’s safe to use around cats who insist on licking all surfaces and floors. I have read that Lysol is NOT safe (and boy do I feel guilty now about Lysoling the crap out of the house a couple years ago when we both got the flu. Our elderly lady kitty died about a month after that – and she was very old and had a bunch of stuff wrong with her but that certainly can’t have helped.)

        1. Natalie*

          You don’t actually need anything fancy or super strong – covid19 is causing a pandemic because of how it passes person to person, not because it’s especially hardy on surfaces.

          A standard diluted bleach solution (1/3 cup household bleach per gallon water) is sufficient to sanitize surfaces and should be dilute enough that it’s not dangerous for people or pets. And for frame of reference, the recommended amount for flood waters is a full cup of bleach in a gallon of water.

      2. Ranon*

        The virus has a lipid (fat) layer so soap works great. I’m mostly cleaning with dish soap and scrubbing, tbh, with 70% rubbing alcohol to disinfect high touch surfaces occasionally.

        Think “someone in my house has norovirus” and you’ll be most of the way there as far as cleaning goes.

    36. Melody Pond*

      Question for the masses:

      Do you think it’s better to shop online and have groceries delivered right now?

      I’m wrestling with this. On the one hand, if I shop online, some person is going to have to go pick up my groceries and someone (either the same or a different person) will have to deliver them – and that requires them to be out and about and potentially exposed. But on the other hand – a single worker out in the world could theoretically do the grocery shopping or delivery for several consumers, and does that mean that overall exposure between humans is reduced because there are fewer humans out in the world?

      1. KoiFeeder*

        With my autoimmune issues, delivery has been a lifesaver. For someone who’s lower risk, YMMV.

      2. Oxford Comma*

        I am going to have to face this in a few weeks. Leaning toward delivery unless I can get to a store in a non-peak time.

      3. Filosofickle*

        It is a dilemma. The other reason I think delivery isn’t all bad is that people are in dire straits and need to make money right now. Yes, it offloads my risk onto them but if I tip A LOT then at least they earn money their households may desperately need.

        That said, all delivery services including Instacart and Amazon/WF are overwhelmed near me in CA so I am shopping for myself. Some aren’t accepting any new orders. Some project delivery times a week out, but many of those orders get cancelled because of empty shelves or lack of drivers. Compounded by people waiting in line to get into stores. Costco has lines 80+ people deep at opening. Delivery shoppers are stuck in that, too, and every order takes 3 times as long.

      4. Dan*

        If the only goal is to maximize social distancing, then yes, I would have to say that it’s better to do delivery. Jamming a grocery store full of people has got to be the complete opposite full of that.

        But given out of stock inventory and all of that, it’s not clear to me how effective delivery services can really be. If the store is out of stock of something, I can improvise (or not) on the fly. I just don’t see how app-based delivery services can manage when inventory is unknown.

        1. Tau*

          Grocery stores in our area now have maximum numbers of people allowed to be in the store at once, any queues including to enter the store must have at least 2m distance between people, and they can only provide shopping carts if they can disinfect the handles between uses. So “jamming full of people” isn’t exactly accurate, although I still think delivery would be safer. (Not actually sure it’s available, mind you – it was never a big thing here – and try convincing my mother of that.)

      5. noahwynn*

        Honestly, I have to leave my house at some point or I will go crazy. I’ve been looking forward all week to the grocery store and Target trip. Both places had an employee wiping down carts before you got one and people were generally good about not crowding areas.

        I considered doing Instacart or Amazon Fresh, both of which I’ve used in the past, but neither had delivery slots for days and neither could confirm that items would be in stock. I was totally out of TP, and I had no issues buying a single pack at Target.

      6. Jaid*

        I’ve been trying to order groceries online, but all the delivery slots are taken into the next week. ShopRite, WalMart, etc. Amazon Whole Foods is the only place I can get a delivery time for and screw next day delivery.

      7. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Here they are recommending delivery and asking ourselves to avoid shopping in person if they can. The supermarkets and delivery outlets are quickly hiring thousands, and those with relevant experience are in some cases starting shifts within hours of applying.

        Our regular grocery delivery uses robots to pick from a huge warehouse, filling lined crates. Currently they unload those crates right outside your door (wearing latex gloves) then knock and leave.

        Meanwhile local small businesses are getting in on the act, offering delivery where they previously did not. There’s a sudden spike in demand for the local butcher, baker and greengrocer. Small local shops are still well stocked and very popular. Community groups are springing up to run errands for the particularly vulnerable eg picking up prescriptions and groceries.

      8. nonegiven*

        Order sooner than later. I was almost out of cat food and it took a week to get it delivered.

    37. Lcsa99*

      I’ve been extremely dissapointed to see that the only restaurants in our area that aren’t up and running are chinese. I hate that people are blaming this thing on people just because of their race. Eating chinese food and talking to someone chinese isn’t going to give me this virus.

      1. JKP*

        If it makes you feel better, we tried to order Chinese takeout tonight from our favorite place, and they were so busy with takeout orders, it was a 2 hour wait and they couldn’t customize our order, so we ended up getting takeout somewhere else.

    38. Depressed about all this.*

      I’ve been relying on friend gatherings (D&D nights, art studio) to help keep me afloat. TL;DR I’m still digging my way out of a really deep depressive/suicidal few years, and I’ve only now been able to do basic stuff like keep my apartment clean. And I still struggle to keep a basic routine: I’m getting there, and have tried a basic one this week… but damn, I run out of energy quick.

      I’m really, really afraid that I’m gonna slip down again without that contact. I wanna do Zoom and Discord, but it ain’t the same.

      I just walked through our (small town) Main Street. Food places are open but doing take-out/pickup only. The bookstore is closed. My downstairs neighbor is now completely out of work.

      I’m incredibly sad that the human contact you could get at these places is effectively gone, and I’m worried about these guys’ finances. I’ve acccepted that well be Living Like This for several months at least.

      It’s not the spending that I miss, but seeing all the life that used to be around. That I’m going to be on my own now. And now the governor has said that non-essential gatherings are forbidden, so no more Dragonborn Sorcerer for me.

      I’ve thought of suicide two or three times today, and I have a few ideas about how to do it with easily accessible items. And if I take advantage of hospital overload, nobody can stop me , and I can die even if I fail initially. I need help.

      1. WellRed*

        Please call your doctor or the suicide hotline. At the very least, call or zoom a friend. It’s not the same, but it’s something.

      2. Misty*

        Please call the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255)

        Please don’t give up. I know things are really hard right now. Could you reach out to a friend in your area? Maybe also try to find a therapist if you don’t have one? I know a lot of therapists are doing video sessions. I see a therapist and it’s been really helpful.

        I’m keeping you in my thoughts. Please stay safe.

      3. Dr. Anonymous*

        Please call 911 right now so you can be safe. At least call the National Suicide Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text CONNECT to 741741. You need a human connection right now and we can’t help you enough here!

      4. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Hi! This isn’t something that this forum is able to handle here, but there are people who are trained to help you. Please call the National Suicide Hotline today: 1-800-273-8255. We want you to get help, and they will help. – Alison

    39. families!*

      I am a single person living alone, and wonder about safety precautions in my apartment. I do wash my hands, and have been wiping high touch areas, and anything that comes into the apartment. I have been isolating, and wash my hands when I get home from my occasional solo walk. I have cats also but they don’t go outside. If something is contaminated in the apartment, doesn’t it mean I am contaminated? Basically I want to dry my hands with my hand towel rather than use paper towels all the time because I want to conserve them. But is that foolish?

      And PSA If you have single friends/friends who live alone, reach out to them! I notice I have to do this more now as couples and people with families naturally tend to fold inside themselves and it’s a bit exhausting.

      1. Dan*

        I’m a single person living alone, so I totally get where you’re coming from.

        Your last PSA relates to a topic that comes up a lot — “I wish people would reach out to me more often.” Often, it’s in the context that coupled-people have a responsibility to reach out to their single friends. Generally, the consensus is that you are responsible for your own social happiness, and it’s not appropriate to offload that on to others.

        That aside, I can guarantee you that in this day and age, *everybody* is exhausted, trying to figure out how to keep up with everything that’s going on. Trying to adapt to the new normal with schools closed and a lot of people out of a job has got to be a lot more exhausting then what I have to deal with.

      2. WellRed*

        If you are self isolating and minimize what comes in, it’s unlikely you have contamination. If you are really anxious about it, stay in and don’t bring in anything for a few days.

      3. fposte*

        I live alone and I’ve been self-quarantined for 10 days now. I wash up after I bring in a delivery and I don’t touch the delivered stuff further for 72 hours save to refrigerate perishables. I think you’re fine with cloth towels.

        But also I think our minds work in terms of “contamination”/”clean” (and that’s only going to get worse, I’m afraid) while it’s not really that simple; we don’t and can’t live life in operating room sterility, and there are certainly homes where a bit of virus came in on a surface and dried up without doing anything to anybody.

    40. Elizabeth West*

      Our state hasn’t locked us down, but they’ve restricted gatherings to 10 people. Grocery stores have instituted early-bird hours for seniors and anyone who needs to avoid crowds for medical reasons, including the one my mum shops at (yay).

      I’ve been waiting for the new contact lenses and glasses I spent way too much money on at America’s Best. The store is now closed, although employees are working. You have to call them and leave a message and they’ll call and schedule a time for you to pick up your stuff. Luckily, I was able to already get the two trial pairs of contacts, which seem to be perfect. I can see to drive; I can see the computer. I hope I’m able to get the rest and my glasses soon. Ugh.

      Also, my sangha in OldCity has gone online due to the virus. I asked if I could stay on the email list after I moved, and so I was able to join them this morning for a virtual group meditation. It was really nice to see everyone! This won’t last when things are able to go back to in-person sits, but hopefully by that time I’ll be settled and can find a group where I am. Don’t know where that will be. Everything is in limbo now, even work-seeking.

      If everything works out the way I want I will never say another word. But since every time I make a move things only get worse, it’s exceedingly hard to have much confidence in the future.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh, and this is for anyone:

        There is a Chrome extension called Netflix Party that lets people simulcast stuff on Netflix with a chat. Y’all might look into that if you want to watch a movie with someone but can’t get out. Obviously it’s only good if both people have a Netflix account, but it’s something.

        I used to do this (without the extension) when I was in a long-distance relationship, and honestly, it’s not that bad. You could also simulcast and do an online audio call so you can hear each other.

    41. noahwynn*

      My neighbor that lives in the apartment across from me texted me last night and asked if I wanted to watch a movie together. We’re both single, have no family close by, and have been working from home. Talking, we’ve both been following the suggestions to stay home when possible and while we’ve both been to the grocery store, we’ve both been avoiding eating takeout to try and save money. Neither of us had been anywhere except for just walking aroud outside in almost a week. So he came over, we hung out together last night.

      I know that it breaks away from the suggestion and recommendation. However, it also seems super low-risk since we both literally haven’t had contact with anyone else except at the grocery store/Target in almost two weeks. It also really helped my mental sanity. It doesn’t seem any worse than a couple or a family that all works at multiple jobs that require them to be there instead of home and all live in the same house.

      Maybe I’m just trying to justify it for myself because I’ve been so anxious and it helped so much having another person there that I could talk to. I’ve talked to friends on the phone and stuff, but it isn’t the same. My mom Facetimes me daily, but it isn’t the same. Not really asking for permission, and honestly, we will probably hang out together again. I need a friend, someone physically here and he seems to need the same.

      1. Misty*

        I’ve heard of people who are doing this! It makes sense – if you’re both socially distancing and only seeing each other then I think it’s fine. I mean I live with six people so what’s the difference if you see one person who doesn’t live in the same house?

      2. Blueberry*

        I’ve heard of people finding quarantine partners. As long as you two keep your circle closed no one else can introduce anything and you can’t risk anyone else.

    42. MOAS*

      I was really trying to stay positive and look up and find little things to enjoy. I created a list of things to do…read a book, try out new makeup looks, do facials etc. Last week I complained about not being able to go to the mall, which I know was silly, but this week I’ve had 3 panic attacks, am in danger of losing my job after this and worrying about my baby and giving birth.

      I have a huge list of things I would like to do but…I’m drained. I spent majority of today in bed.

      I’m thankful to have my job which I might not have soon, and a physically healthy pregnancy and things that could potentially keep me occupied….but I am just drained.

    43. =^-^=*

      Any tips on dealing with anxiety during this time? I am not thinking negative thoughts but the anxiety is living in my body. I can feel it surging in my chest and stomach, and my heart is pounding. I try deep breathing, going for walks, spending time with my kid, it is just getting worse every day. I think it is dread at not knowing if I am going to get laid off or not (and my husband doesn’t work). I likely won’t know until the end of next week.

      I am getting really clingy with my husband but he doesn’t get it, he is not anxious, and I am not normally anxious. He is doing his own things (last night was online gaming night with his friends/family so I spent the evening alone).

      We have plans to play a board game later and do a virtual museum / aquarium tour, and I have a phone call scheduled with a friend I haven’t spoken to in a while, but in between these activities the anxiety just keeps ramping up.

      Any tips?

      1. Misty*

        I was having severe anxiety when I first started staying home 24/7 (last Saturday). I think it’s because I was reading the news too much and also just everything. This may be a really random suggestion but I started watching live cams of zoos basically in the background 24/7. That’s been helping me a lot. I know you already mentioned you were doing the aquarium tour, but you could check it out.

        The last few days I’ve been watching this eagle basically for hours on end:
        https://explore.org/livecams/currently-live/bald-eagle-west-end-catalina

        If you like birds, which I do, it’s surprisingly calming. Plus you can keep it on in the background while you do other things around the house. I basically have it running 24/7 at this point. If you have any activity that calms you, I would say to start doing that as much as possible, that’s what’s helped me (with the eagle cam lol) Sorry this suggestion is so random.

      2. fposte*

        For me it really helps to do exercise that speeds up my heart rate for a bit, “to the point of perspiration,” as the docs always advise us. Walking really *fast* for a while might be enough (I go for walks but don’t go fast enough). It gives the flight-or-fight instinct something to chew on and leaves me calmer afterwards.

        1. =^-^=*

          I’m going to try ramping up the exercise. It’s funny because I’m not normally an outdoorsy, active person. I think you’re right about the fight-or-flight thing. I feel like I could run run run run run. And I hate running!

    45. Me*

      Does anyone have any advice for adults living with their parents for the time being? I’m home from school, for the duration, my state just started lock-down, and my mom and I get along better when we’re not together 24/7. I’ve been home for extended stays before, but this whole situation is stressful and it’s already getting to us.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Nothing certain here, just random thoughts:
        – Assume good intentions
        – Reach out with kindness
        – Stay calm & know your inner signals of “I can’t stay calm much longer” so you can (gently, kindly) step away
        – Find something to distract yourself (knitting? rearranging your dresser? deep breathing?) once you are alone

        This is a terribly difficult time for everyone. I’m sorry you and your mom are giving each other the urge to get prickly.

      2. Natalie*

        If your state’s lockdown is like the rest of them, you can leave for exercise. Definitely take some long walks/runs/bike rides alone.

      3. Not A Manager*

        I was thinking about what we would do if my adult kids were here. One thing I thought of was scheduling private time in shared areas (like TV room or kitchen). So that you can retreat to somewhere other than your bedroom and still have time alone or room to FaceTime your friends.

    46. Jdc*

      Grr. Woke up full of phlegm. I’ve been on and off with this for months, three rounds of antibiotics. Now of course everyone will think it’s corona of course. I’ll of course monitor myself but it’s been going on so long I’m pretty confident as it never fully went away prior. Same thing last year.

      I recall some people a while back talking about people who have sinus infections often and treatments but I can’t for the life of me remember anything else.

      I nested this under the corona thread since I’m mentioning it.

    47. LQ*

      I’m going to see if I can make some sense with this. I work (not work related I promise) in one of the business realms COVID has increased the work for significantly. We are in full disaster mode. So I’m there more, others are too. I’m with humans more. More hours. Putting in everything I can. I’m around humans much more than I usually am. But I feel so lonely. I can’t do the things that normally help me re-center and feel like myself. I’m incredibly introverted. If I was just doing the same or less and from home and like oh that’s fine. But the extra human contact. The exhaustion. The news. The humans. The tired. The fear. The stress. What’s next what’s next. What’s next. I don’t get to get coffee in the mornings. I don’t get to have lunch out. I don’t get to go to brunch and have a social interaction with friends. I only have the crushing panic of COVIDWORKFEARPANIC and hollow loneliness at home.

      I just feel lonely and alone.

      1. Misty*

        I feel lonely too. I thought with everyone being home maybe I could talk to my friends on the phone every day (even if for like 5 to 15 mins to check in) but since my friends all have kids, they actually seem more busy than usual.

        It seems like even though you are around people more, it’s more in a stressful setting than usual? Like the lack of brunch and just relaxing with people seems to be gone which leads to being more disconnected/lonely. I’m sorry that you’re lonely. It’s a really hard time for sure, especially with no certain end date in sight. I’m keeping you in my thoughts this upcoming week.

    48. Elizabeth West*

      Well, they announced a stay-at-home order yesterday for St. Louis County and city, starting Monday. I need to sneak out today and see if I can get some hair color in case of video interviews (not likely but you never know).

      This isn’t that much different from my life right now; I don’t have money to go anywhere anyway and no one is calling me for interviews. As long as there is internet, I’ll be fine.

    49. tangerineRose*

      I’ve been washing my groceries with the thought that if the virus got on them, soap and water should help. But now it’s been over 3 days since I got them, and I’m thinking that if the virus was on them, it should be dead by now, right? Even if the food was in the fridge or freezer?

      I don’t understand why a mask (or scarf over face) wouldn’t help since the droplets can stay in the air for 3 hours. I’m not going to try to get a mask because there are a lot of other people who need them more than do, but…

      1. tangerineRose*

        I looked at the CDC’s website and haven’t found anything so far about droplets staying in the air, so maybe that’s not true. Big relief. I’m still mostly staying indoors though.

    50. Ann O’Nemity*

      I’m so stressed about childcare right now. My kids’ daycare went back and forth about closing all week. Everyday we got multiple emails with flip flopping, contradictory information. It was an emotional roller coaster. They finally closed Friday.

      We were able to hire one of the teaching aides to come nanny our kids. It’s more expensive but I was so relieved that we had a plan to move forward. And my kids know and like her. But wait! Now the daycare wants to reopen with smaller classes in April. I don’t know if we’ll be selected. If not, we’ll lose our nanny and need other options. And here’s the kicker, the daycare wants us to pay 30% of tuition even if we’re not selected to hold our place for when they can go back to larger classes.

      I’m trying to be sympathetic to the terrible situation the daycare is in, but this is crazy. Right?

      1. Misty*

        I feel like the daycare needs to try to make a plan and stick to it rather than going back and forth. Because a lot of people need to make plans in order to be able to work/school from home. So I agree with you that they need to come up with a plan and stop going back and forth.

        Also that sucks about the 30% thing. Esp if they don’t know when they will go back to holding bigger classes. Like daycare is expensive so how long will they be holding smaller classes for? If it’s only for a week or two maybe it’s not super unreasonable to have people pay 30% to hold their spots, but what if it ends up being a month or two? I feel that would be unreasonable.

        But I don’t know anything about daycares except that my best friend has multiple children who are in one and she says it costs a ton!

        1. Ann O’Nemity*

          So far they say the smaller classes will last 6 weeks at least. This rest of March was already paid for, no refunds.

    51. Jdc*

      The cleaning binge has begun. I was cleaning to sanitize but I finally got to move furniture and appliances level. Feel icky today but the constant naps help. I do love my house being so clean though.

      It’s snow here. Wtf. Outside of Chicago.

      I want to get onto my garden, detail the cars. Anything I can do outside but still at home. Should start to warm up next week. Crossing my fingers that’s holds.

      American Airlines said any flights booked by the 31st they will not charge any fees. I was intending to book a June flight for months so now that it’s cheap and I have that assurance I think I’ll do it. Not sure it’ll happen but it’s to my mom so rescheduling later isn’t an issue because I’ll always want to go see her. We shall see. At least I can try to take advantage of the few hundred dollar savings and if it doesn’t pan out then it doesn’t.

      1. Jdc*

        Guys the kid isn’t gonna make it because I’m going to strangle him. Good grief. Hours of arguing over one chore he has to do when he’s sat on his butt for three straight weeks. Grrr. And why is husband not saying anything. Hello my dear. Get up and tell your child what to do. I wouldn’t even care if he did his laundry if he didn’t constantly smell so bad that it stinks up the house.

    52. Misty*

      I can’t stop crying tonight. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

      I had the last two weeks off for extended spring break and classes start tomorrow, I guess it just really hit me that things are super weird right now.

      So disconnected from people right now. I miss my friends. And like the stupidest stuff like my regular coffee shop. I’m trying to focus on being grateful that I’m fine and so far everyone I love is fine, and we’re all social distancing so hopefully we will continue to be fine.

      I should prob stop reading the news everyday. Being informed to this degree isn’t worth my mental health.

  2. Mid*

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a reasonably priced (sub $300, ideally sub $200) queen sized bed-frame with a headboard attached, that can hold 700+ lbs? I’ve looked on Amazon, IKEA, and AllModern. IKEA doesn’t publish weight limits and AllModern was too pricy for me so far.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Just confirming that I would skip Ikea – our king-sized frame is basically two twin-sized sets of slats in a larger frame, and my husband’s side (he’s 6’4″ and ~225 lbs) is starting to make some ominous sounds if he’s not a little careful with how he moves around on it. The slats are getting to be close to five years old, so I’m sure that doesn’t help, but I am rather smaller than that and my side isn’t making any ominous sounds at all, despite being the same product and of the same age.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Total aside, but you can replace the slats at a hardware store. The big box ones will cut to the length you need. Generally the board you buy will be thicker/stronger. We did this for our bed when the cheap boards cracked (and we are both sub 200lbs)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’ll look into it, but but the slats in my bed frame are … hm. Curved, so they’re kind of springy? There’s not a few of them supporting a traditional box spring and mattress, there’s about 24-30 of them running width-wise across a twin-sized frame, and they basically *are* the box spring. I dunno if that makes sense. But they’re bow-shaped and flexible, on purpose. So I’m not sure how easy they would be to replace elsewhere. (They pop into a line of cups on each side of the frame, so they are definitely replaceable with more of the same thing – we just haven’t gotten around to it yet.)

          1. StellaBella*

            I have the same IKEA bed. You could swap your side slat thingy with hubby’s side to get more use out of the slats. Should be easy to do.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Yeah, the plan is actually to get one new set, put the new ones on my side (because, as he puts it, I appear to like sleeping on rocks, so his old ones are way too “soft” for me now), put my old ones on his side, and chuck his old ones. We’ve been sporadically talking about doing this for months, but since my side is still fine for me, I don’t think about it except in the middle of the night when he’s rolling over and I find myself listening to hear whether this is it, is he gonna crash through right now :) And then I forget again by morning. I wonder if we can order a set for delivery at a reasonable price. Task for today!

      2. Enough*

        We added slats to all our beds years ago, even the kid’s beds. The standard 3 just were never enough for stability.

    2. whocanpickone*

      I recommend the Zinus Smart base Elite. The convo of bed frame plus headboard and attachments is under $300 and it holds up to 2,000 or 4,000 pounds (a lot). As a bonus, you can fit a tote under it for storage.

    3. JDC*

      Got mine at JCPenny online. Great prices and I was shocked they had so much as I haven’t walked into a store of theirs since the 90s.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Much of their online merchandise isn’t carried in their stores. It is almost like some kind of secret that they carry things like this.

        1. JDC*

          Yes! Also Target has very high end furniture and home furnishings in their website. $10K rugs, etc. Who knew.

    4. Enough*

      Could consider putting support underneath. Had a frame that was a bit to bendable. Put cinder blocks underneath. It kept everything from ‘sagging’ enough to keep the slats from slipping from the frame.

    5. MsChanandlerBong*

      Check out Wayfair. My frame is a king, but it was $180. Seems sturdy enough so far. My husband and I are not skinny people.

  3. NeverNicky*

    I was fortunate to read Rules of Civility pre- publication and it was one of my books of the year.

    The author’s “A Gentleman in Moscow” is also excellent, and apt for these times, as said gentleman is under house arrest in a hotel. It’s charming and life affirming.

    1. MK*

      I second this. Rules of Civility was very enjoyable, but A Gentleman in Moscow a truly great novel.

    2. Sunflower Sea Star*

      I listened to Gentleman in Moscow and it was a great book and excellently read.

  4. Remy LeBeau*

    Is it fair for people to expect someone with a disability to pass for a neurotypical?

    If you’re dealing with something difficult, like legal issues, taxes, navigating governmental systems, etc, is it fair to tell people to “google” for resources?

    Is it fair to tell someone to just figure things out, no matter how overwhelming certain subjects can be (like subjects mentioned above)?

    I want to know what people think. I’m not going to judge.

    1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      I’m not sure what you mean by “fair”—to whom? What’s the context? Who’s asking?

      I think it’s fair to say, “I’m sorry, I’m overstretched/that’s not my job and I can’t help you with that.” People get to decide how to use their own resources.

      I think it’s kind to say, “I can’t help you with that, but if you google [keyword] you might be able to find a person/agency/nonprofit that can help you.”

      1. Remy LeBeau*

        I’m not sure if context is going to help. I’m just trying to figure out if it’s reasonable to expect others to do everything by yourself and adapt to society despite having a disability.

        And if that’s the case, that’s essentially telling me to lift myself up by bootstraps, and I now doubt the people I am dealing with actually want solutions to anything.

        1. Richard Hershberger*

          You have switched from asking if this is “fair” to asking if it is “reasonable.” These are two different things. Suppose you want to sue someone, and you don’t have the money to hire a lawyer. Go down to the clerk’s office in the courthouse and they will be very little help. They might help you fill out paperwork, but they won’t help you figure out how to draw up a lawsuit that makes a lick of sense, legally speaking. Why not? Because, even if the individual clerk has a pretty good understanding of these things, this quite literally is not their job. Indeed, it quite specifically is not their job to provide legal advice, and could get fired for it. So when a clerk is unhelpful, they are acting reasonably. Is it fair that someone without the resources to hire a lawyer is put at a huge disadvantage in the legal system? Of course not.

    2. CorruptedbyCoffee*

      I deal with a lot of people who want help with these kinds of things, some reasonable, some not. As a helper, what I want to see when someone wants me to do something involved for them is:

      that they are polite, not demanding I drop everything or help them before others.

      They respect my limits. Often, I have to be available to help many people, or cover other things. There are limits on how much time I can spend on your particular issue, and as much as I’d like to be able to do anything, there are things that just aren’t realistic to expect from me. Many times, I get requests that are simply not feasible given our staffing and expertise. Sometimes I can point you in the right direction for help, but it may not be immediate and it may require effort.

      That they’re putting forth effort. I get two kinds of people that come to me for help – the kind that shove a pile of stuff at me and tell me they don’t want to talk it out or do anything, just fix it NOW, and those that are trying to learn and actively helping me help them.

      Often, it makes more sense to go through something with someone together until they can do it consistently and then be available for questions than it does to do something involved repeatedly for someone. The kind of help I can give often involves helping someone if they get stuck, or teaching them to do it slowly and with lots of help until theyre comfortable with it. But you have to be willing to try.

      I don’t generally tell people to Google things, but I also feel that some people try to avoid doing things they find frustrating or don’t want to learn by insisting others do it for them. Often, I can help you find the right forms or resources, but I can’t make decisions for you, or fill them out. There are things only you can do.

      Basically, I never expect anyone to pass as neurotypical. But I also don’t expect people to throw up their hands and demand I fix things that overwhelm them. We all get overwhelmed sometimes, and that’s okay. It’s okay to have a harder time with something than others. But I expect anyone who comes to me for help to try. If they’re trying but they can’t do it, sometimes I’m able to find another way. But you gotta start somewhere that doesn’t just throw all the responsibility on someone else. Help them help you.

      1. Remy LeBeau*

        My thinking is, if people expect me to figure all of that stuff by myself, then why do helpers like you exist? It doesn’t make sense.

        I feel like the people I’m dealing with are toxic.

        1. fposte*

          Is this the same person over and over again or different people? If the latter, one thing that may be happening is that people pushing you off don’t necessarily realize that there’s an “all that stuff” and that you’re not getting help with any of it, whereas that’s something very clear to you. They may just think they’re saying “I can’t help you with this one thing” to somebody who has other options. And they may be saying that because they don’t know or because they only know a little.

          I realize that doesn’t get you any farther to knowing what you need to know, but your original question asked about expectations, and I think it’s possible that it’s not so much that people have unreasonable expectations of you as they don’t know what you do about your needs and the answers you’ve been getting.

        2. CorruptedbyCoffee*

          I mean, I exist, but I’m overworked, understaffed and I’m not a miracle worker. Notice how I said be polite and try when I’m helping you, and you took that as “all by myself?” That’s likely part of the problem. We exist to help lots of people. Tons of people. So many people, in fact, that we cannot focus exclusively on one person. That’s why you will always be the best informed advocate for you, and it is important that you participate.

          1. Remy LeBeau*

            Yeah, I’m trying to figure that out now. I had no idea systems were set up that way.

        3. JT*

          I’m sure there are a lot of tasks that CorruptedbyCoffee is doing as a helper, but they can’t do everything. No one has the resources to do everything. It’s not fair to why they exist.

          1. Remy LeBeau*

            Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. How much can they help? Is there a way to bridge that gap?

            1. Blueberry*

              One thing that may help is to divide the pile of “everything I need help on” into specific pieces and find different people/different resources to handle each piece. This may take some tracking/organization (You may need to keep a list “I asked AMy to help me find a lawyer, I asked Bill for help shopping, etc”) but it may help keep any one person you ask for help from feeling overwhelmed and pushing you away entirely.

            2. JT*

              I get that’s what you’re trying to ask. But to respond with why do you exist if you can’t do everything is extremely unfair. Do you feel the helpers do nothing for you, since they can’t do everything? No one person, no one job can do everything.

              1. Remy LeBeau*

                It’s a legitimate question. And it’s not that I’m relying on one person, it’s more that I’m trying to come up with a way so helpers like one of the commenters above don’t end up overworked.

                I’m analyzing everything that’s being said here.

                1. JT*

                  So you’d rather have no helpers, think the job shouldn’t exist? Because they can’t do everything for you.

    3. Lena Clare*

      It sounds like you’re very aggrieved by being dismissed.

      Have you explicitly said to people “I am finding this incredibly difficult, can you help me with it?” and then been specific about the help you need?

      Many NT people also find those kinds of things difficult to deal with, so don’t be surprised that they tell you to go figure it out yourself.

      It might be more helpful for you to find a group, such as a charity or peer-support group (you don’t mention your neurodivergence), to ask for help there.

      For example, in the UK, there’s the Citizen Advice Bureau who help with benefits form filling in. They are only offering phone support at the moment, as I imagine other organisations are also.

      Additionally, if you are entitled to social security benefits for your disability, do you have a contact who can support you with information? If so, they may be able to give advice, such as where to find a helper.

      1. Remy LeBeau*

        Ironically, by the time I read this, I figured out how to get help.

        Based on your comment, I’m starting to see the kinds of people I’ve been dealing with.

        1. Lena Clare*

          Hm, I don’t know if you mean I’ve been helpful, or if you’re being sarcastic about me not being helpful?

          1. Remy LeBeau*

            I mean that your comment is helpful and I think I have a better idea now how to help myself.

            1. Lena Clare*

              Ah ok thank you. I think some tone is lost in text and I didn’t get what you meant at first. All the best.

              1. Remy LeBeau*

                Yeah, a couple of people pointed out my phrasing, but I’m not really rattled by it, because regardless of how people interact with me here, it gives me insight into the bigger picture.

    4. MK*

      I think it’s fair to expect people with a disability to do as much as their health/condition allows them to, and to try to learn doing stuff that overwelms them. Helpers exist to help, not necessarily do everything for you.

      I understand that bring told to Google things feels dismissive, but often it is the easiest and quickest way to figure things out.

      1. Remy LeBeau*

        What is a person supposed to do if they can’t help themselves?

        I’ve known people who got stuck in psychwards because they couldn’t help themselves.

        I think people just don’t care, and if that’s the case, then I guess that’s that. I’ll have to find people who actually give a damn.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          If you think it’s that people don’t care, there’s your answer. Find ones that do. It will take some time and effort on your part, but you can’t make people care.

          Outside of that, I agree with everything CorruptedbyCoffee says above. I don’t work as a helper and I don’t deal with anyone with a disability (that I’m aware of), but speaking for my home and work lives, all of CorruptedbyCoffee says is pretty much how I handle things and I think it can be applied when dealing with anyone.

          1. Remy LeBeau*

            Yeah, I think I understand what’s going on now.

            It’s not easy, but luckily, I figured something out of this.

        2. Snark*

          In general, if you’re not capable of being resourceful and independent enough to do a job without the ongoing and intensive assistance of others, it’s probably not the right role for you.

          It’s not a question of not caring, it’s a question of whether you’re capable of doing what you’re paid to do most of the time without someone walking you through it.

      2. MatKnifeNinja*

        My 60 year old cousin, who is on the spectrum, lives with me.

        He skates the border between level I and level II. His social skills are greatly impacted. He’ll talk your ear off on string theory, but looking up a doctor’s office number and calling for an appointment is like scaling a mountain.

        My cousin has severe anxiety. So anything outside his neat little daily routine throws him into a potential melt down.

        Our relationship is mostly you be you boo. But this is the deal, I’m not his personal care taker.

        He gets mad because he believes all NTs swim through life like a dolphin. Gliding along with minimal effort tail swish. That I should do his adulting for him, since it’s harder for him. I told him, adulting sucks for NTs too, and it’s more duck that dolphin. Googling is a PITA for me. I might do it better because I’ve done it more. The doctor office desk help is just as horrible with me, as with him. The person has issues, and everyone is fair game for verbal abuse.

        I will always have his back, but he has to attempt stuff first. If the medical billing office is screwing with him, I’ll go full blow torch, but I’m not going to do it all. I’ve got a life too.

        When people tell you “to look it up.”, (if you have the physical and mental ability to do it), the default shouldn’t be, they are jackalopes. Some people suck at helping, and a teachable moment is beyond them. They’d do this to anyone. Some people want the attempt, because their time is valuable too. If I know my cousin has done a, b and c, then I can skip ahead and go death con 10.

        I now tell my cousin to YouTube some issue first. Especially when tech starts acting up. 9/10 there is a vid with a solution. (think smart phone). It’s not that I’m a heartless hag, but I’d do the same exact thing. Maybe I’ll need to fine tune the search, but he needs to hunt first. And he’s capable of doing that much.

        The day you need to start worrying is when people take over your request. With my cousin, people aren’t trying to be “helpful”, they want him out of their hair as quickly as possible. It’s like throwing a bone to a annoying dog. They’ll do anything to get him the eff out of there.

        I don’t expect my cousin to pass. He can do whatever makes him feel comfortable within reason. If he can spend hours googling the economic crisis if 2008, he can hunt for an address, phone number, or business hours. If he can call for a pizza, he can call the dentist.
        All I ask for is an attempt, because I get crabby, tired and worn out. I have enough trouble handling my life, let alone be his life micromanager too.

        2. Jean (just Jean)*

          I luuurrve your phrase go full blow torch. May I steal it (with credit to “a commenter on AAM” or “someone on the blog I follow”)?

        4. AVP*

          There’s a fantastic scene about this in the show Schitt’s Creek, when one character is super anxious about taking a driving test and the other is like, who cares, you’ll be fine, why are you even nervous? Obviously one has deep anxiety and the other doesn’t and they are learning to deal with the other’s POV. As someone who has struggled with anxiety for decades (well, forever), I loved it – definitely youtube it if you can!

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      You say you’re not going to judge, but the phrasing on your questions makes it very plain what answers you consider acceptable, even though truly answering them absent any other context is an exercise in “maybe, it depends.”

      2. Remy LeBeau*

        I don’t know if this answers your question, but my intention here is to find out what people think.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          But you’ve refused to give people any context as to what you’re asking about or who you’re asking it of, or how often you ask it, with an undertone that implies “boohoo no one loves me, guess I’ll go and eat worms.”

          1. Remy LeBeau*

            Removed. You are coming across as rude to other commenters, and you can’t do that here. – Alison

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Is it fair to tell people to google?

      No. Absolutely not. You are singing one of my favorite songs. Our systems are not usable by the average person.

      In some jobs that is all the employee is allowed to say. “You will have to google.”

      I wanted to open my husband’s estate in probate court. I thought I would do it myself. (Insert rolling on the floor laughter here.) I picked up the bizillion page form from the court and brought it home. I couldn’t figure out the legalese. So I called a lawyer friend and asked her to help. She agreed to look at it with me. Since it wasn’t her field she pretty much threw her hands up in the air.
      I went back to the court to ask questions. The person was not kind. You know, you can tell people to google and you can say it in an apologetic or explanatory tone. Or you can bite people’s heads off. This person chose the latter option. She made me feel awful for asking.

      The problem comes in where she represents our government. As I walked out of there, I felt like my government had just told me, “It’s too flippin’ bad you’re a widow. But, you know what? We just really do not care.”

      In talking around I came to learn that court employees are under a tight set of rules. Almost anything they say can be construed as legal advice. So the default is to tell people to look it up. And this is happening in many arenas.

      I am most fortunate to be pretty healthy. Many people have more difficulties than I ever will. Our systems suck. Our systems are so encumbered that to do almost anything you need to pay someone to help you with it. Try working with code enforcement. It’s a wonder we build anything at all. Our municipality has a $6M project. If we try to do get help ourselves, we get told, “Look it up on google.” We have to hire people to get basic info, the costs involved here drive the project up by at least 40% if not more. People around me are complaining that they can’t repair their own cars anymore. Every hiccup has to go into the shop and costs upwards of $500. I could go on and on talking about veterinarian care, medical care, legal help etc.

      I am sorry to say but it’s not just you being treated like crap. It’s happening to a lot of people. And I am in total agreement. It’s wrong. It’s so very wrong. I guess we have to wait until our systems collapse because under this burden of their own making before we see change.

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        I am in the legal field, but not this corner of it. I have nonetheless, not entirely voluntarily, had a few occasions to deal with this corner. A few pro tips:

        If the estate is anything above “dirt simple” you are probably better off paying a lawyer. Many (all?) jurisdictions have different systems for small and for large estates, the difference being strictly defined. The small estate rules are much simpler, and designed so that laypeople can navigate them. If this is a large estate, lawyer up. Estates lawyers are easy to find. Discuss the fee structure up front. Many (all?) jurisdictions have statutory caps, based on the size of the estate, so you have protections here. Payment generally is at the back end, taken from the proceeds of the estate, so this shouldn’t produce a cash flow problem.

        A pro tip: In my jurisdiction (I don’t know how general this is) there are two different offices you are dealing with: the Register of Wills and the Orphan’s Court. Know the difference. Around here they are in the same building, most of which is the Circuit Court, but these are distinct organizations. Around here, the Register of Wills has people whose job is to help people trying to navigate the system. The ones I have dealt with were extremely helpful. So you need to figure out if there is some equivalent in your jurisdiction, and work your way past the front desk to get to them. Indeed, it is a general truth that the person who first talks to you at the counter is probably a low-level clerk: fine for routine stuff, but not the person who can help for anything non-routine.

        Which brings me to my last point: dealing with court personnel. Their helpfulness varies wildly. Unfortunately, the larger the court, the less helpful they tend to be, simply due to time constraints. But even then, there are ways to smooth the process. If you are asking them to do something for you, acknowledge this. Yes, this is their job. I am talking practicalities here. I have been known to cheerfully announce “I am here to give you extra work!” This approach works surprisingly well. I also sometimes use “I am throwing myself on your mercy here.” The goal is to make a connection, which will make the individual invested in helping you rather than merely an obstacle keeping them from whatever it is they would be doing if you hadn’t shown up.

        And yes, being neurotypical is a huge advantage here. No, this isn’t fair.

      3. Sue*

        I’m sorry that a court clerk was rude to you. In my court, the clerk would be admonished for rude behavior even though they have to deal with incredibly rude customers every day. We have people calling names, using foul language, screaming on the phone, you name it. I have seen litigants in the courtroom behaving in ways people wouldn’t believe.
        It’s customer service but dealing with sometimes emotional/life altering issues that some people do not handle well. At all.
        Lawyers are highly trained, the profession has become very specialized and we deal with things that many people feel they should be able to figure out on their own. It is usually more complicated than it might seem on the surface and dealing with people who represent themselves usually takes much longer and is much more difficult than with attorneys who have the training and experience to follow the rules/understand the process.
        The cost of legal help is prohibitive for many, I’m dealing with a relative’s lawsuit right now so I realize how crazy expensive it is. I also have a relative starting law school in the fall and the cost is $70,000/per year + living costs (for 3 years) so it isn’t too hard to see how the costs get so high.
        All this is to say, I sympathize but also see the other side and…it’s complicated, ugh.

      4. The Other Dawn*

        “Is it fair to tell people to google?”

        This isn’t directed a you, I’m just giving my opinion in general: I think it’s absolutely fair to ask people to Google something; however, it truly context-dependent.

        In the case of a legal matter, probably not fair. It can be helpful to gather basic info, but when it comes to estates and other complicated matters, we definitely need legal advice. Of course, that’s cost-prohibitive to most people so we go around in circles trying to do what we can on our own for as long as possible–usually until we’re beyond pulling out our hair–and then we break down and find a lawyer or similar.

        Now if it’s something about a subject I know about, of course I’ll help them out and answer questions.

        When it comes to info that’s easily searchable online and I know about as much as the person asking me the question, you bet I’m going to tell them to Google it. They’re usually being helpless and lazy. Not always, of course, but in most cases they are, based on my own experience.

        I don’t mind helping someone, but they need to make an attempt to help themselves first when possible.

        1. Remy LeBeau*

          I didn’t want to mention it, but I’m in a helping professional too. It’s important for me to bridge that gap (how much can we really help people?), not just for myself, but for other people too.

          1. Wandering*

            Would you expand on this for us? What kinds of general/systemic issues do you bump up against as you try to help others as well as yourself? How do you balance the bulk of your work and the individual questions or concerns that aren’t as quick to address or resolve? Are there systemic issues of particular concern?

            1. Remy LeBeau*

              A lot of bureaucracy, lack of technology (not updated), and just information gaps, and it’s not easy to navigate. The last part is especially important.

        2. another Hero*

          There’s also just imo a huge difference between telling someone to google something if you’re talking about it online and saying the same thing to a stranger irl, which means assuming they have internet access and internet skills. That’s not about assuming someone is nt but it is an access issue. There’s also a difference between telling someone to google something specific (if you ask me what latitude Beijing is on and I know you have internet, telling you to google that is a-ok, bc otherwise I’d be googling it, and if I’m not aware of needing to do that for you, I probably won’t, outside of At Work) and telling them to google something nebulous – there are times I’ve helped people come up with terms they might use for a search if actually doing the search is outside my wheelhouse.

    7. Natural40*

      “I’m not going to judge.”

      If you genuinely meant that, it may be helpful to you to know that your responses in this thread do not come across as nonjudgmental. You appear to have a clear answer that you are looking for. You appear to judge those who do not agree with that answer. If you really don’t mean to be judgemental, you may wish to reconsider how you are coming across and how you phrase your replies to people to more accurately reflect your real thinking.

      Perhaps, though, you only said that to make your initial post seem less offputting, in which case carry on.

    8. Anonnington*

      It totally depends on the disability and the context. I think those questions are too broad to answer definitively.

      But I’ll try.

      Obviously, all of the questions you asked rest on knowing that the person identifies as non-neurotypical. And that you might know what their diagnosis is. It isn’t entirely clear whether you’re non-neurotypical or are interacting with people who are. So this applies to both perspectives.

      When the diagnosis, or status as non-neurotypical, comes up, it should open the door for relevant information to be provided and relevant questions to be asked in a respectful way. The questions you asked should be part of a conversation between those who need to know.

      “I have X Diagnosis. I pass for neurotypical in [situations] but not [other situations]. I struggle with ____ and excel at _____ .”

      “What about taxes? Is that easy or do you need assistance with anything?”

      And this should be the kind of conversation that can continue over time.

      “I said I was fine with taxes, but now that the filing rules have changed, I’m finding it harder and could use some help.”

      “How are you with phone calls? What about customer service by phone?”

      This goes for all disabilities. Questions are good. Questions are productive. Have the conversation with the person.

      It can sork when someone is being ableist and you have to have this kind of conversation. But wait! Sometimes, those people don’t realize they’re being ableist. Sometimes, if you talk with them very directly and openly, they’ll have an, “Aha!” moment, and they’ll actually look up to you because nine times out of ten they also have a diagnosis or some kind of unique circumstance that they don’t know how to be open about. Then you suddenly become a role model for them, and form a bond. One time out of ten, they continue to be ableist jerks and then you scream and run away and warn other people to stay away from them.

      Other side: People with disabilities get a lot of judgment, incorrect assumptions, and being left out of conversations – being talked at and talked about instead of being conversed with. So many will appreciate just being asked about things. If they are not neurotypical, allow for the fact that they might need to be asked in a different way (for example, written vs spoken) and may need some extra time before responding. Be flexible and relaxed and friendly about that. “I want to ask some questions about Diagnosis X. I can write them down if they would be easier, and there’s no need to respond right now. I just need to know so we can work together more productively.”

      Easy.

      1. Remy LeBeau*

        I see.

        So that’s what’s going on.

        I think I’ll leave my questions as they are. This was very revealing to me.

    9. KoiFeeder*

      To pass? Not really. But, and I’m not the autism pope so YMMV, frankly I prefer dealing with google than dealing with people! Google doesn’t call me names for not knowing things.

      1. Remy LeBeau*

        Yeah, I tried to pass, and it was a struggle.

        I just feel like life doesn’t have to be hard, but people make it out to be for some reason.

        1. university minion*

          Life is hard. For everyone. It may be differently difficult for you than for me, but it’s hard. You never know what’s going on behind each person’s facade. We’re all stumbling through.

          As far as your original question is concerned, in my corner of the world, I often ask people to exhaust their other options (of which there are many) before I can 1 on 1 walk them through it. Sometimes I even tell them, “Google ‘extremely specific search terms’ to find exactly what you’re looking for.” I show them to those options and explain which ones are best suited to what they’re attempting to do. I ask them to try it while following the steps I’ve given them. The reason for this? There are tons of resources for the thing that I do and I support a LOT of users. I really need people to use those resources for simple things like, say, logging in, so I can spend time with the folks who are stuck on really complicated, one-off things for which no documentation exists, or their case becomes the documentation. If I can’t help a person in the exact manner in which they would prefer to receive assistance, I’m not being busy *at* them.

            1. Ethyl*

              I’ve read this entire thread and I’m stuff baffled at what you think “is going on.” People have jobs, and sometimes things are their job and sometimes things aren’t their job. Just because you want people who work at the unemployment office or the courthouse or the library to do everything for you doesn’t make it “unfair” or abelist for that to not be their job.

              My spouse is the director of IT for a large university department. I don’t really grok a lot of what he does, because it’s extremely high-level stuff. But he still has people calling with questions like how to plug in their computer or how to format a word document. That stuff isn’t his job, and he does need to tell people to look things up in the help file, because his attention needs to be on higher level matters. I’m sure some of those people think it’s “unfair,” and I’m sure each of them thinks “but it would just take him five seconds to tell me how to do it.” But they don’t understand that they aren’t the only person he is getting these questions from, and all those five seconds add up and take time away from critical tasks that only he can do.

              1. The Other Dawn*

                “I’ve read this entire thread and I’m stuff baffled at what you think “is going on.” ”

                Thank you. I thought it was just me. I’m not sure, either.

              2. Remy LeBeau*

                That’s not what I’m saying. I’m trying to get a bigger picture of what’s happening.

                Please don’t put words in my mouth, thank you.

                And believe me, just as you said, people have lives. The person on the other side isn’t going to be completely aware of all the ins and outs, and that in of itself is a huge problem.

                1. Ethyl*

                  Seriously though, wtf are you talking about? A bigger picture of WHAT? I’m putting words in your mouth because you aren’t saying anything intelligible.

                2. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  Remy: You’re not being as clear as you think! Your responses are confusing, although I’m sure you don’t mean that. I’m going to ask that we leave this here.

    10. Maya Elena*

      Google has also gotten much worse lately in getting results that aren’t cookie cutter. Like, if you try to search anything health related and specific (e.g. “lower abdomen twinge left side”) , it auto-generalizes your search terms and brings up Mayo/WebMD/Healthline whatever general “stomach ache” sites. But I see this play out with almost all my searches, from medial to parenting to home improvement.
      So if you feel like googling isn’t actually helping I don’t think it’s you so much as Google.

      1. Remy LeBeau*

        Yeah. I’m trying really hard to understand why people think the way they do and figure out how to help myself.

        1. Wandering*

          Just a reminder that we don’t all think the same way, we don’t all have the same strengths (or weaknesses), without regard for whether or not we’re neurotypical. This gives us a much richer world than we would otherwise have. It also gives us all trouble in greater & lesser degrees.

      2. misspiggy*

        Yes, I’ve definitely found this, and I’m used to finding Google easy. Switching on Verbatim in Search Tools, and putting my query in quotes, and putting – before terms I don’t want, do help, but not as much as before.

        I’m starting to use Bing and DuckDuckGo more, but as mentioned above YouTube is often more helpful for some things now.

      3. KoiFeeder*

        Oh, for sure- I’ve turned to DuckDuckGo recently, because it’s better. I just like, you know, not dealing with people who IME are actively judging me the whole time for not being “normal” like they are.

        Normal’s not even a setting on my dryer. Weird is, though! It makes the clothes wetter.

      4. nonegiven*

        I used to use Boolean terms to narrow my searches, I started with Altavista quite some time ago.

        I lately find better results if I just ask Google a question, but sometimes it insists on picking out one word and going off on a tangent. I have no idea what to trade that word for to leave out all results to do with that tangent. I’m about to go off trying other search engines.

    12. Person from the Resume*

      Fair for whom?

      Yes. Because some services and businesses are designed to support the neutrotypical. Hopefully government has an option is assist non-Neutrotypical but it might be a special service.

  5. Yancy*

    Question about the movie/book “Bird Box”. I guess this is a spoiler?
    *
    *
    *
    *
    Why didn’t the birds in the box go insane and kill themselves and each other when they saw the creatures? Did they say why and I missed it?

    2. Campfire Raccoon*

      Avian brains are very, very different from the mammalian brain. Even in Harry Potter, the boggarts didn’t harm “lower creatures”.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Actually, I thought in the book that a flock of finches went insane and killed each other, but did not commit suicide.

        If I recall correctly, the birds in the box were budgies, right? Which actually makes sense- most parrots/parakeets are not properly physically, mentally, or socially stimulated! They were probably already insane.

    3. alex b*

      Ugh Bird Box. I don’t think they explained that, one of many plot-holes. Somehow the birds were “immune.”
      I love a good dystopian movie, I love a good horror movie, but this was not good. It somehow managed to be even worse than The Happening, which had a similar premise. I didn’t read the book, though.

    2. NY CPA*

      Ive been extremely disappointed with them. The fabric looked/felt cheap. I also ordered custom sizes (same measurements) for 3 dresses and they all came out COMPLETELY different sizes so I have zero trust in their sizing generally. Returns were a massive PITA as well.

      1. Grits McGee*

        I haven’t had much luck with the custom sizing either. Weirdly placed bust seams, too-long shoulders, awkward hem lengths; I just assumed it was because I was bad at measuring myself, but maybe it’s a bigger quality issue.

      3. LQ*

        I have had pretty good luck. Once I found a cut and fabric that worked for me I stopped and just order that cut and that fabric in whatever design is available basically. There were some I tried that were Not For Me. Sizing has been really good for me overall. I’m absurdly tall and don’t fit into human clothes so I may be coming from a different perspective. But I’ve loved it once I got the right cut and fabric.

          2. LQ*

            This is the odd thing, I’ve had a lot of issues with Long Tall Sally with really shoddy construction and single use only things. Wear it onces and it’s falling apart.

    3. Blueberry*

      I learned about them from one of my best dressd friends, and the two dresses I bought for my birthday are both perfect. I hope you have my luck!

    1. MistOrMister*

      I made buttermilk pie last night and also exeprienced a houseful of olfactory deliciousness. I’ve also had an easy to make pasta for lunch, seasoned with sesame oil and soy sauce for a couple of days. I left yesterday afternoon for an hour, came back and realized the house smelled like heaven!!

      2. I edit everything*

        Buttermilk pie is the only pie I crave. I like pie, generally, but that’s the one that I *have* to make when the urge hits. Which it now has. Guess what I’m making this week!

    2. Lena Clare*

      I’ve made butter chicken (which, given I’m vegan, contains neither butter nor chicken!), chocolate fudge cake, vegetable paella, and black bean chilli. All delicious!

      1. MistOrMister*

        How does one make vegan butter chicken? My friend talks about making butter chicken every so often and it sounds really good, but being vegetarian I never really thought about it.

        1. Lena Clare*

          I adapted a recipe from Jackfruit & Blue Ginger by Sasha Gill, because I didn’t have the fresh ingredients in, and I didn’t want to make the seitan ‘chicken’.

          But here’s the recipe
          – Fry 1 tsp cumin seeds and half a tsp coriander seeds in oil for 1 minute, then add 1 white onion, 4 garlic cloves, and 1 cm ginger (all finely chopped) and cook until the Onion is soft and translucent, adding a small splash of water if it begins to stick.

          – Stir in half a tsp of ground turmeric, a quarter tsp of chili powder, and a pinch of ground cinnamon, then pour in 500 ml (2 cups) tomato passata.

          – Drain 40 g (1/4 cup) of soaked-for-1-hour cashews (I used almonds because I’m allergic), then add them to the pan as well and cook everything gently for 5 minutes.

          – Transfer the mixture to a blender, add 125 ml (1/2 cup) plant milk, 1 tsp white sugar, 1 tsp lemon juice, 1/2 tsp salt, and a pinch of black pepper, and puree to make a smooth sauce.

          – Pour back into the pan over a medium heat, add 2 tsps of garam masala and torn pieces of seitan ‘chicken’ (I used vegan Quorn pieces) and simmer gently for 5-10 minutes to reduce a little.

          – Garnish with coriander leaves and lime wedges. Serve with rice and naan.

          This serves 4, generously, and was even nicer the next day.
          Enjoy:)

          1. Lena Clare*

            Btw, that book is GORGEOUS and I make so many things from there.
            I think it has a different title in the US.

    3. Drtheliz*

      Sloooow cooked Ratatouille:
      Start at lunch, because it needs time but very little attention.
      Put herbs, garlic, good 1-2 tbsp oil and a pinch of sugar in the pan. Fry on low heat until it’s a brownish bubbly mush. Add onion and a little bit of tomato passata (just enough to coat the onions), cook on low heat until onions have softened. Add the rest of the passata – I use the half litre tubs – and turn the heat as low as it’ll go. Simmer for a couple hours, turn off heat.
      ~10 minutes before it’s time to serve, turn the heat back on to medium, add the rest of the veg – I use frozen – and a handful of sunflower seeds. Start the noodles. When the veg and noodles are cooked, mix and serve with a little grated cheese on top. Optional: stir in some last minute balsamic vinegar.
      I had a fine dinner last night :)

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Not much cooking going on since I had surgery recently, but I have lots of pre-made meals in the freezer that I either bought (chicken pot pie, chicken alfredo) or prepared ahead (stuffed peppers, shepherd’s pie).

      I cooked a store-bought chicken pot pie for lunch yesterday, which was delicious. I got it at Sams’s Club and froze it. It was $17, but it was huge and packed with chicken and veggies. Very much worth it. Dinner was pizza delivery from a new pizza place: a white pizza with mozzarella, goat cheese, prosciutto, walnuts, and honey. It was fabulous!

      1. The Messy Headed Momma*

        I read this last line as, “a white pizza with mozzarella, goat cheese, prosciutto, walnuts,
        and Honey, it was fabulous!”
        Yay, grammar!

      2. Arts Akimbo*

        Ha! I read this as “Jelly– I wish I had some!” probably because I’m turning my blueberries into jam tomorrow!

      1. DarthVelma*

        Isn’t waking up to a lovely smell like that the absolute best. :-)

        You brought to mind one of my very favorite childhood memories. Every so often, my parents would let my brother and I sleep in as late as we liked on Saturday morning. We’d wake up mid-morning to the smell of brownies baking. It’s like waking up to the olfactory equivalent of a warm hug and being told you’re loved.

    7. GoryDetails*

      Corned beef and cabbage! Oven-braised, which I prefer to the stovetop-simmer version. (I’m also experimenting with fermenting, on a teensy weensy scale: had read a recipe for very simple fermentation of Swiss chard stems, had a bunch of ruby chard from my last expedition to the market, and made up a single jelly-jar from the stems. No idea if it’ll work or not, but it looks very pretty, and if it turns out badly it’s not much of a loss.)

    8. Ali G*

      I’m making meatballs in the slow cooker today. Tomorrow we will smoke chicken drumsticks and then crisp them in the airfryer.

    9. Richard Hershberger*

      Excellent idea! I am planning a grocery run today. You have just added to the shopping list.

    11. Forrest Rhodes*

      Green chile stew is simmering as we speak, apartment is overflowing with chile-garlic-onion fragrance. Am pacing in front of the stove with fork in hand, waiting for an excuse to taste-test.

    12. old curmudgeon*

      We made corned beef hash last night from leftovers from earlier in the week, and it was SOOOO good.

      We made migas for breakfast and that was wonderful, too. There’s one brand that offers uncooked corn tortillas, which are ideal for making migas. Cut up four uncooked tortillas in about 1″ pieces, fry ’em with a bit of minced onion, and once the tortilla pieces pick up a bit of color and the onions are starting to sweat, drop in four eggs and scramble it all together. Serve with your favorite salsa, and you are in heaven.

      A few years ago, we used to carpool with a woman who was fascinated by all the cooking we’d do. One day we mentioned having had migas for breakfast, which she had never heard of. After that conversation, she’d ask regularly if we had had them again, only she couldn’t quite remember exactly what the word was. So we’d get in the car in the morning and she’d chirp “good morning! Did you guys have Miyagis again today?”

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I made migas this morning with leftover tortilla chips (local brand) that were getting stale. So chips work too if slightly less traditional than fried leftover tortillas.

    13. MsChanandlerBong*

      I am using this time to make dishes I don’t normally make because they are a little more labor-intensive. I just baked some cornbread so that I can make a pan of my Thanksgiving stuffing later. The store didn’t have bread, but I got some dinner rolls that I can use in place of it (I usually use half cornbread and half toasted white bread). I think tomorrow I am going to learn how to make my own bread at home. Might also make a big batch of pizza sauce so that I can make some homemade pizzas. The cornbread smells amazing!

      1. AVP*

        oh that’s funny, I didn’t see this when I posted the below! I’m also trying to find the complicated recipes that I always think I’ll make time for and never get around to.

    14. AVP*

      Is anyone baking a lot of bread? I had intended to while we’re stuck in the apartment for a few week but there’s actually been a run of flour in my neighborhood! I was shocked and didn’t think to stock up, so we’re doing lots of red sauce this weekend instead.

    15. Jaid*

      I roasted fennel and shallots. Also, radish leaves can be cooked and eaten. I’m not a big veggie person, but now is the time to experiment.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Sous-vide …What is this magic? I got a huge beef loin on sale from a club store, and the first steaks we cut off it were unpleasantly tough. My husband put the rest into the sous-video on low for two (!!) days and it came out tender and tasty.
      We declared it pirate night (break the rules of table manners) so we could snitch pieces off the board as it was sliced.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          We do that with steaks, best has been when weather allowed us to use the grill outside. :)

    17. Sparkly Librarian*

      I thought I had a ham in the bottom of the freezer and had planned out a week of meals based around it… but I was mistaken. So it’s apocalypse turkey time! My mom is sending up some sourdough stuffing mix and a very neglected onion by way of my sister, who is dropping off supplies for both of our households. That can of cranberry sauce from last Thanksgiving in the pantry (or maybe I’ll make a sauce from the frozen fresh ones I stashed after making Xmas tree garlands), half a packet of instant mashed potatoes (needs must), and some leftover spiced veggies from Indian delivery lunch will be joining it.

    18. Blueberry*

      Yay food! I am just about to finish up my baked macaroni and cheeese and need to decide what to make next. Beef stew is now in the running!

  8. Sc@rlettNZ*

    Aww, Sophie, Hank and Shadow make a gorgeous kitty pile. I wish my two ginger siblings still got along that well. When they were younger they always slept curled together, and used to groom one another.

    Now they are probably 30% friends and 70% enemies. Poor Elijah is nursing a large scratch under one eye and a big bloody ding on his ear. I didn’t see it happen, but it would have been his brother – no neighbourhood cats will come anywhere near our property as Mr Klaus is the biggest, baddest cat for miles around.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      I am astounded and impressed that Sophie tolerates that much cuddling with Hank and Shadow already! You are clearly the cat-whisperer, Alison!

      We adopted a pair of littermates over two years ago, and the original resident cat in the house STILL despises them. I have a photo I recently caught of the two youngsters cuddled up next to the old fellow’s rump that speaks volumes – the younger guys are clearly in heaven at being able to cuddle, and the old man looks like he’s just been asked to eat a whole lemon.

      1. Minocho*

        my two are littermates and get along well, unless the female is stressed out by travel. But there was period when they co-existed with my old man Yami (passed away xmas 2018), and he liked the little spitfire female, but hated the male, who was a a fellow house panther. The young house panther loved him, though! He would wait until Yami fell asleep, the cuddle up next to him!

    3. Wandering*

      They make a lovely pile! And it makes me happy to see. So glad you share these photos with us, Alison!

  9. Robin*

    Does anyone have links for advice/discussion boards about no contact in a family when you are not yourself one of the direct no-contact parties?
    I am minimum contact with uncle and wanting to be in more contact with cousin who, I’ve just found out, is no contact with their father.
    I would be grateful for some scripts to handle the minimum/no contact person. Thanks.

      1. Robin*

        I am having difficulties finding one that isn’t about the direct party, but rather when you are on the sideline.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Assuming you mean something like, Uncle Fergus starts asking you about Cousin Wakeen, how to shut Uncle Fergus down? If you’re already minimum contact with Fergus, I’d say the first step would be just not to mention Wakeen to him at all. It’s not like no-contact Wakeen is gonna be like “Hey, I’m going to break contact long enough to tell Fergus I’m hanging out with Robin, bwa ha ha!” (Hopefully :P )

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (er. *make* contact, not *break* contact.)

        If Fergus does find out somehow – when my housemate started dating, he asked me not to talk about his girlfriend with his mom. I obviously did not want to do this anyway, because I can’t stand his girlfriend, but if Miss Patti brought up the ladyfriend, I just said “Sorry, not a discussion I’m having, I’m sure you understand!” and changed the subject. Of course you don’t want to get involved with other people’s family politics any more than absolutely necessary, because that’s reasonable – so present it as a reasonable foregone conclusion and just kinda brush past it onto something else.

        Basically you’re aiming for something like “Oops, I’m sure spilling your coffee on the table was an accident, let’s just get that cleaned up and get you a fresh cup of coffee and say no more about it.” – and then if Fergus looks you in the face and deliberately upturns the second cup of coffee while giving you an ugly grin, then either Fergus is a cat or an asshole and you can adjust your expectations of future interactions accordingly.

    3. Sunflower Sea Star*

      I’m in this situation myself. Large family (I’m one of 9 kids). No contact with my parents, but am in contact with most of my siblings, even though there are several sets of siblings not in contact with each other. And Some siblings are no contact with parents, others are not.
      I often joke we need a web site to keep current on who is talking to who. Or not.
      My best advice to you is to make each of those relationships 1:1
      Never ever discuss family members with other family members. If cousin wants to dish about how horrible uncle is, don’t listen. Change the subject. This has literally saved my bacon. I once hung up on one of my sisters when she wouldn’t stop trash talking our brother. Just said “I’m not doing this, I don’t talk about family members with family members” and hung up.
      Years later, that brother tried to tell that sister that his anger towards her was justified and that I agreed with him and was angry too.
      Sister knew immediately he was lying because she knew I would never talk about her with him.
      It sucks when you can’t have family as a group. I anticipate that I’ll never have all my living siblings and parents in the same place ever again. There will never be a newer family photo than the one we took in the late 80s.
      But this is the only way I’ve found to have functioning mostly good relationships with most of my siblings.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      If you can find an intermediary who is not your uncle that is your best bet. Who is Cousin in contact with that you also are in contact with?

      Just based on my own family experience, the uncle would probably not even know where the cousin or how to contact them. So to try to ask Uncle could just be a waste of time and nerves.

      Some families have peacemaker type people who are in contact with others. If you have such a person that is the person I would ask how to get in contact with Cousin Sue/Bob.

      If you have a friend who lives near your cousin perhaps they would help you.

      This is a rare thing but I will throw it out there- sometimes churches can help reunite family.

    5. Robin*

      Thanks for all your replies and sorry for being abscent. This weekend did not go as planned. Uncle, as I feared, did not handle well being told that his adult child did not want him to know anything about them and to be honest I am not sure if I should worry about uncle being suidicidal.

      1. Observer*

        This is not your responsibility. Also, if cousin is no contact with their parent, your refusal to discuss cousin is NOT news to Uncle. It’s just “news” that they can’t get YOU to be his conduit to his child. I have no idea if uncle is actually suicidal, but his hinting that he is, is definitely manipulative. And if he is suicidal it’s not because of something you did.

  10. Crazy Broke Asian*

    Podcast recommendations, please? I prefer those with short, stand alone episodes. Most genres and niche topics are okay for me, but no sports, comedy, or news please.

    1. misspiggy*

      As My Wimsey Takes Me is a delightful discursion through the Lord Peter Wimsey detective novels. Some two-part episodes.

      3. Miss Climpson*

        Thank you so much for this! I’ve read all the Wimsey books multiple times, and this looks delightful!

        1. Runaway Shinobi*

          If you like that, Shedunnit by Caroline Crampton will be right up your street. It’s about golden age detective fiction. Very well done.

      4. Crazy Broke Asian*

        Embarrassed to admit that while I consider myself a mystery fan, I’ve never read the Wimsey novels. I think I’ll use this stay at home time to start reading them!

    2. DistantAudacity*

      BBC’s “in our time” is always great. Each episode is about 40 minutes, drawing from a wide range of topics across all sciences, arts and literature. There are several hundred by now.

      Also, “The curious cases of Rutherford and Fry” (still bbc) – this one’s more light-hearted, and hard-science focused.

      And: “13 minutes to the moon”. First season dug into Apollo 11, last year. They are now doing Apollo 13 (it includes new interviews with Jim Lovell and Fred Haies, and also Mission Control ECOM guy (Cy Liebergott (sp?)). One of the reasons why I enjoy it is that digs into a lot of the Mission Control side of things. Also awesome Hans Zimmer music.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I agree with the In Our Time podcast from Melvyn Bragg. He covers all sorts of topics in stand alone episodes and has a back catalogue dating back to 1999. I listened to an excellent discussion on Cleopatra yesterday and before that humanism, the epic of Gilgamesh, Rosseau on education, and so many more. It’s mainly history, philosophy, and culture, and I love them.

        1. Not a cat*

          I like “In Our Time” also. However, I find Melvin gets impatient with the female experts rather easily.

      2. Best Cat in the World*

        Was going to recommend Curious Cases! I love it! I binged a load of it yesterday and it was great for distracting me.

        You’re Dead to Me is another good one, stand alone history one. One of the panel members each time is a comedian but it’s not the main focus of the episodes.

        Shall have to look for the new one on Apollo 13!

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      I like Criminal. They are usually pretty short and cover some fascinating topics, like the lady who stowed away on a cruise ship on a dare.

      Stuff you Should Know has thousands of episodes.

      You probably already know of these though :)

    4. StellaBella*

      BBC Natural Histories.
      BBC Science Hour, but has some news.
      Stuff You Should Know.
      Stuff Mom Never Told You.
      Quirks and Quarks.
      BBC In Our Time.
      ABC Australia has good ones too.

    5. Jonah*

      Family Ghosts is an excellent storytelling podcast where the host helps someone dig into a family secret and find answers in each episode. Some are sad. Some are lighthearted. Some are just plain weird. But they’re absolutely fantastic. In the first ep, the host investigates whether his own grandfather, a jeweler, was married to an big time jewel thief as the family legend said.

    6. Ranon*

      Ologies for science- format is an interview with a scientist about their work/ field

      Disability Visibility podcast- each episode looks at disability from a different lens (e.g. disabled writers, parenting) again with an interview format

      Nocturne- NPR style nonfiction storytelling about all sorts of things somehow related to night

    7. Lemonwhirl*

      Reply All is great – it covers mostly tech/internet topics in a really funny way. They did a fascinating episode lately about this guy who remembered a pop song from his teenage years but then couldn’t find the song anywhere on the Internet. The hosts have a great semi-antagonistic relationship and it’s like listening to two clever friends bicker.

    8. CatCat*

      I like “Tales,” which gives you the history of and reading of classic fairy tales. Note, most of the stories have very dark or violent elements so not for little kids.

    9. Jedi Squirrel*

      A while ago, I started a podcast wiki where people could share information on their favorite podcasts. I took it down due to lack of interest.

      Given the current situation, is it time to resurrect it? Would anybody be interested in participating?

    10. Miss Dove*

      Futility Closet – little quirky stories from history, with the hosts trying to stump each other with a lateral thinking puzzle at the end.

      This Day in History Class – short (about 6 minutes each) about something that happened on this day in history.

      Moonrise – 13 episode limited series about the race to the moon – absolutely fascinating.

      Dressed: The History of Fashion – as someone with no interest in fashion, it is surprising how interesting these episodes are.

    11. Marthooh*

      “The Memory Palace” Interesting short bits of American history, beautifully written. But TW do not listen to episode #1 TW! Unless you like hearing about horrible deaths.

      No, just don’t listen to the first episode.

    12. Richard Hershberger*

      The British History Podcast is astonishingly good. I am not a fan of the podcast format, but I listen to this one. That being said, it mostly fails your stand-alone criterion. To get some idea, it is over three hundred episodes in, and the Norman Conquest is just now coming into view. This is not a survey course.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        It has been said that cricket matches last so long because the British are not a particularly spiritual history, and this gives them some idea of eternity. Apparently, the same principle applies to podcasts. ;)

    13. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      Out of the Blocks is brief profiles of people from area of Baltimore each episode, and incredibly human.

      Government Accountability Office and Proceedings if National Academy of Science (PNAS) each have short (5-10 minute) focused episodes

      Ear Hustle, based in San Quentin State Prison.

      Make Me Smart is an interesting Marketplace spin-off, that’s going to daily.

    14. Forensic13*

      99% Invisible sometimes has more news-related episodes, but mostly it’s random interesting stories.

    16. blaise zamboni*

      Sawbones! Episodes are ~30-40 minutes and cover the history of medicine, which sometimes intersects with other historical realms. The episode that got me hooked was about the reversal of the Chicago river. It’s generally light-hearted and kinda humorous, but not “comedy”.

      1. Something Blue*

        Seconding Sawbones! They have a friendly tone and cover interesting medical and health topics.

        They also cover a bit of history surrounding the topic so it’s especially interesting if you like history of medicine topics.

    17. Pieismyreligion*

      Death, Sex and Money- convos about things we don’t normally talk about. Some great interviews (I especially enjoyed the Bill Withers episode) but also talking w everyday people.

      Endless Thread- the hosts find interesting Reddit posts and explore them more deeply. Totally random subject every episode.

    18. smoke tree*

      I have many podcast recommendations! Here are some of my favourites (with descriptions taken from their websites, because I’m not good at writing summaries):

      The Allusionist: a podcast about language

      Flash Forward: a podcast about possible and not so possible futures

      Marlon and Jake Read Dead People: a podcast hosted by Marlon James and his editor Jake Morrissey, where they give their uncensored opinions about dead authors

      Ologies: a comedic science podcast

      You Must Remember This: a podcast about the secret and/or forgotten history of Hollywood’s first century

      The Soundtrack Show: a weekly look at film scores and soundtracks for some of the most popular movies, TV Shows, Video Games and Theater pieces of all time

      The Anthropocene Reviewed: John Green reviews facets of the human-centered planet on a five-star scale

      Imaginary Worlds: a podcast about science-fiction and other fantasy genres

      1. smoke tree*

        Forgot about your criteria! Pretty much all of these work as standalones (some have themed arcs, but you can listen to each one individually and it still makes sense). The Allusionist and the Anthropocene Reviewed are usually between 15 and 30 minutes, although the others are typically 45 to an hour.

    19. Mid*

      I love “And That’s Why We Drink” which is about an hour per episode, and covers one true crime and one ghost story per episode. I’m also a fan of “The Adventure Zone” but that’s not stand alone. “More Perfect” is about Supreme Court cases but not really about current events. “Black Girl Nerds” is good. “Sluts and Scholars” is one I’m just starting but like so far.

    21. Fikly*

      Mike Rowe’s That’s the Way I Heard It is delightful. Very short (sub 15 minute episodes) stories about famous people/incidents told in very unexpected ways that leave you hanging until the end trying to figure out who they are about.

    22. Crazy Broke Asian*

      Thank you, everyone! I love how wide-ranging the recs are. Gonna use all this bonus leisure time to get through them.

    23. Something Blue*

      What about short stories podcasts?

      Classic Tales Podcasts and 1001 Classic Short Stories feature stories in public domain with a variety of themes. Kind of like Project Gutenberg but as audio.

      Selected Shorts has episodes with a theme and reads 2-3 stories an episode, and their choices are usually more contemporary (not in public domain).

    24. alex b*

      Stuff You Should Know! 2 smart, nice guys have the best job in the world: researching random, interesting topics and teaching about them for 30-45 mins.

    25. urban teacher*

      Just discovered Cocaine and Rhinestones. It’s a guy researching different stories about country music. I’m finding it fascinating.

    26. Raia*

      Death by Monsters – Matthew, Nick, and Paula talk about monsters, mysteries and the unknown, hilariously.
      This Game is Broken – Matthew and Dave talk about board games, play games about board games, and there is sometimes music charades about board games.

  11. MistOrMister*

    Any movie recommendations for old films (30s and 40s) that are free on Prime? I’ve just finished Another Man’s Poison and The Lady Vanishes, and have a bunch on my watchlist but am always looking for more. I discovered TCM and AMC (back when they were playing the old movies, not modern AMC) 20+ years ago and something about the movies from that era is so satisfying.

    1. Anonymouse for this*

      My Man Godfrey with William Powell. Great movie – there’s also a remake with David Niven.

      1. MistOrMister*

        I’ve seen the William Powell version. I agree that it’s a good one. Pretty sure I’ve watched it at least twice and told my mom bout it!! Haven’t seen the David Niven one, I’ll look it up. Thanks.

        1. anonymouse for this*

          The Ghost and Mrs Muir looks like it’s free on YouTube. I miss TCM – my cable provider dropped the channel. Have been digging out my old dvds to watch. Separate Tables and Best Years of Our Lives currently queued up. Am resisting the urge to comfort shop on Amazon for more.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I don’t know if it’s free with Prime or not, but I love Letter to Three Wives; good stories, interesting characters, and some snapshots of expectations in the post-WWII US.

      I just saw Good Morning, Miss Dove on a cable channel – can’t recall which one, not TCM or AMC though. While some of it doesn’t hold up (Miss Dove doesn’t believe in allergies, or in using kids’ nicknames even if they prefer that), for the most part it’s a charming story.

    6. MissDisplaced*

      I don’t know why, but I just love all the old Fred Astaire movies. I think they just capture that pre-war era so wonderfully and he was so talented.

      Meet Me in Saint Louis is also charming. You can’t go wrong with Judy Garland.

      Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd films: A silent trip around Los Angeles in the 20’s. I may be biased as I lived in LA, so part of the fun is trying to recognize locations.

      Three Stooges: Yeah, they’re not for everyone, but OMG they still make me laugh at the stunts and slapstick. I often wonder how they performed some of those pre-CGI.

      Maybe concentrate on actors: Gregory Peck, Bette Davis, Bogart, Garbo, etc.

    7. CastIrony*

      Casablanca was hard for me to follow and understand, but it’s an old movie, though I am not sure how old it is.

      1. Imtheone*

        It might help to google the movie, since when it was made, there were things people assumed everyone would know, for example: the status of Casablanca during WWII, whether the French authorities were independent of the Nazi regime, when the US entered the war, etc.

    8. Former Employee*

      I don’t know anything about Prime, but check out the old Humphrey Bogart movies, especially ones with Lauren Bacall, such as: To Have and Have Not (her debut; she was barely 20); Key Largo; Dark Passage. I can never follow The Big Sleep.

      Also, the classic WWII era films, such as Mrs. Miniver and The Best Years of Our Lives; someone else already mentioned Casablanca.

      And if you’ve never seen “Harvey” and would enjoy something charming and humorous with James Stewart (as Elwood P. Dowd) and a very tall invisible rabbit named Harvey, this is the movie for you. It has some wonderful lines such as “Don’t be didactic Myrtle Mae. It’s not becoming in a young girl…”

      1. GoryDetails*

        Oh, yes, “Harvey”! A delightful film, with some great lines. One of my favorites is this one, from Elwood:

        “Years ago my mother used to say to me, she’d say, ‘In this world, Elwood, you must be’ – she always called me Elwood – ‘In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.’ Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.”

    9. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      If you are willing to go up to the early 1950s then I would suggest Indiscretion of an American Wife. Its the butchered edit of Il Stazione, so in the Italian realist style, quite a bit of which was cut out in the edit that would have had everything make more sense. I watched it for the pretty that is Monty Clift, but seeing Richard Beymer (aka Ben Horne in Twin Peaks) as a teen was a surprise.

    11. Texan In Exile*

      You also might want to see if your library has Hoopla, which gives you free online access to movies with your library card.

    12. lifesempossible*

      I just watched Gaslight. (There are two versions, only one is Prime right now.)

      Laurel & Hardy — Amazon has March of the Wooden Soldiers and Jack & The Beanstalk. (may be slightly earlier in era)

      And they have at least one Shirley Temple movie there! The Little Princess or something like that.

  12. Princess Deviant*

    Oh Alison, I can’t tell you how much it warms my heart to see your cats getting on. I don’t know why, but for some reason Hank and Shadow’s foster situation really touched me and I so wanted to adopt them myself (but I’m nowhere near), and I’m so delighted you’re able to give us updates about them – they’re a little bit of light in all this chaos at the moment!

    A question for everyone.

    What nice things have you got going on this week?

    1. MistOrMister*

      I’m taking my parents a pie I made yesterday – which for some reason feels really satisfying – along with a couple of things they asked me to get at the store. And I think I see some house cleaning in the future. Which isn’t a nice thing at all, except for once it’s done I will feel fabulous :)

    2. Princess Deviant*

      Working from home, I’m spending all day with my cats (they are very unhelpful, lol), and have got more time to cook more.

      I hate driving so I’m really grateful that I’m not having to drive anywhere at the moment.

      Reading a lot and having naps in the afternoon <3

    3. Fran*

      I am finally on maternity leave. I have been on sick leave for the last month but having the appointments to renew it among the pandemic was stressful. Now all I have to do is go to my appointments twice a month and pay close attention to any new symptoms I develop. We have received-ordered most of the baby stuff. Nursery is ready. I am just enjoying doing nothing with breaks of reading about nursing and caring for a newborn.

    4. The Messy Headed Momma*

      Sunday is our 10th anniversary! We are going for a very long drive, through as much beautiful scenery as we can find. Kinda perfect for social distancing, my hubby’s bum ankle & hours of quiet time together…he researched the route – I can’t wait!!

      1. Loubelou*

        We adopted our kitten yesterday! His name is Simba, he’s a ginger tabby.
        With me being home all the time now it was the perfect time to adopt. He’s settling in so well though he is not helpful with the home working!

  13. Teddyduchampssleepingbag*

    I cuddled my cats most of the day. We have 15 indoor and a feral colony of 25 outdoor cats we care for. Meow.

    1. Anono-me*

      You may not realize this color but there is a real dearth of cute cat pictures on the internet. Especially on this site. If you have any group photos that you could post that would be lovely.

    2. WindowboxGardener*

      How do you keep the house clean with multiples?

      I know tone is lost in text, I am genuinely, warmly asking as someone who just went from one cat to two and I feel like it’s exponentially harder to keep clean now. Do you have any pro tips?

      1. cat socks*

        What specific cleaning issues are you having? I have five cats and my biggest problem is tracking cat litter. I have multiple boxes in the laundry room and I have three Black Hole cat litter mats which helps some. I still need to sweep the area because the mats don’t catch everything.

        I keep blankets on the couches for the cats to help keep hair off the cushions. I don’t have too much of a problem with cat hair. Or maybe I’ve just become blind to it. A couple of my longer haired cats leave clumps of fur around that I’m able to easily spot and pick up. I vacuum once a week.

        1. Mid*

          I use a bartenders mat in front of the box and it works wonders on tracking. I went from having to vacuum every single day with the old mat to barely once a week. Some cats might not like the texture, but mine is fine with it.

      2. Professional Straphanger*

        We have six cats and a Roomba. The Roomba doesn’t take the place of proper vacuuming but running it in a different part of the house every day makes it easier by picking up litter and loose fur. I then vacuum the whole house on the weekend. I also have a lambswool duster for fine fur on furniture, ceiling fans etc. On top of all that, once a month I have a cleaning service come in to do a professional cleaning.

  14. Anonymouse for this*

    My cat who is completely uninterested in catnip just went nuts when I opened a box of mint matchmakers (English candy). She charged over from the armchair she was lounging on, kept sniffing the box, rubbing her head all over it and batting at my hand that was holding the box. So what weird things are your pets up to?

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      My foster dog likes to take big mouthfuls of water and splash it on the floor and then lick it up. Thanks weirdo.

      My senior dog, who hates toys and is scared of everything, found a plastic lid at the edge of the yard. She was chewing it and even battled the foster when she tried taking it away. Strange times. I took it away after an amusing watch.

    2. Jonah*

      I gave my senior chow-lab mix a bath on the porch yesterday since it was 85° here and she’s always hot. I used a new shampoo to help with her skin issues and it made her fur look like she’s had a run-in with an out of control hair stylist from 2003 with an affinity for the crimped look. She’s still mad at me.

    3. Stephanie*

      My three dogs have all recently started digging in the yard and eating something that they’re finding in the dirt. Not sure what they’re eating, and it’s kind of gross. But dogs are kind of gross, in general (I still love them, though).

    4. Fosterdog*

      We live on a small ranch and we cross a bridge to get to the barn. One of our resident dogs is obsessed with the bridge. For two weeks all he wants to to is sniff the bridge all over. We have to tear him away from it to come home. There is quite a bit of wild cat scat around, so I’m picturing a bobcat or mountain lion lolling around on the bridge when we’re not around. I’m sure our dog knows exactly what’s going on. If only he could talk.

        1. Fosterdog*

          LOL! That must be it. We really investigated this morning, underneath and everything. Invisibility is the only answer that makes sense. Thank you!

      1. Mid*

        Yes they are. I had to get rid of my mint plant because my cat kept uprooting and eating it.

    7. Cats cats cats*

      My cat is obsessed with plastic. She can be asleep and I go to touch some plastic and in seconds she’s downstairs tries to take it from me.

      1. Ey-not-Cy*

        Our cat loves tape. Or anything sticky. I always have to give her a piece if I am wrapping presents so she’ll leave me alone. She also runs in for any package opening sounds. She loves those plastic bags with sticky edges that clothing comes shipped in. We’ve been known to put labels on her back for distractions (her) and giggles (us.) Of course, then I get to peel them off the floor, later. Lol.

      2. Lcsa99*

        Yup thus is our cat! He is so freaking sneaky when it comes to tape so we have to be super careful when we use it, and he absolutely loves the little plastic strips that come with packages.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        A friend banned plastic grocery bags and ribbons from her house because her cat ate them and needed surgery to remove a blockage. :(

        1. OyHiOh*

          I used to have a cat obsessed with plastic bags. In the interests of her safety, I made her a blanket out of a furry plush fabric I caught her sitting on several times. Folded the fabric in half, sewed three sides together. Laid several plastic bags flat inside, stitched the last side up. Used some blanket binding to make the edges look nice and did a basic looped “quilting” stitch across the whole thing so she couldn’t scrunch the bags into one corner of the thing. She adored that blanket. Would sit and crunch on it for hours.

    8. Jellyfish*

      One of my cats has a thing for mint too, and she gets obsessed with the topical IcyHot muscle relaxant. It has menthol in it.

    9. NewReadingGlasses*

      One of my cats is weirdly affected by cedar. I have to put anything coming out of the cedar chest out of his reach until it airs out, or he attacks it and drools all over it.

    11. Fikly*

      I used to have a cat who was obsessed with kale and rosemary. She was an odd duck.

      She also made herself sick by stealing a banana, hiding it under the couch, and gnawing on it for a full week (peel and all) before we found it. The vet didn’t believe us until we showed her the picture.

      And then we became the people whose bananas were stored in cabinets.

  15. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    I finally finished A Rising Man, by Abir Mukherjee and I was distinctly underwhelmed by it. I’ve now picked up The Left Hand of Darkness, by Ursula K. Le Guin.

    1. Just a PM*

      I have Maggie Hope #8, Prisoner in the Castle, and Brit in the FBI #3, The Lost Key. But for some reason, I can’t motivate myself to read anymore, even though I really want to read these books. Up till I went into self-isolation mode, I was doing 2 books a week. Granted, I was doing most of the reading on my bus commute (WFH now because pandemic).

    2. Tomacco*

      How to be a Tudor, by Ruth Goodman. After that I’m moving on to the giant stack of unread New Yorkers on my nightstand.

    3. Lady Jay*

      Left Hand is so, so good – full of hope in dark times. Enjoy!

      I finished Old Man’s War by John Scalzi and enjoyed it – it was my third Scalzi novel and so far, he’s been a reliably good read. I made a point to check out another book of his before our library closed indefinitely on Thursday.

      But right now, I’m reading Midnight in Chernobyl via audio. Chernobyl has never fascinated me before, but apocalyptic/disaster stuff is extra interesting to me now because *waves hands around*. Plus, the Soviet history is really interesting, and the book’s doing a great job of explaining the nuclear engineering stuff in a way that non-scientist readers can understand.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I read Voices from Chernobyl recently – harrowing, riveting, scary. [And, perhaps, a good distraction just now; I’m another who enjoys reading catastrophe books when other catastrophes are in play.]

      3. old curmudgeon*

        Scalzi is hit-or-miss for me – I bounced hard off Old Man’s War and Redshirts, but I absolutely love his Interdependency series (third book is being released next month!) and the Haden Syndrome series that starts with Lock In. And Agent to the Stars is a riot.

        1. Lady Jay*

          The Interdependency is what brought me to Scalzi and remains my favourite among his works – just strong, slightly pulpy space opera which is perfect for hard times (I read the first one away at a conference after the toughest part of my work year).

          I did not think I would like Old Man’s War at all – it kept being compared to the Forever War, which I did NOT like. But the characters were warming enough and the story larger than the war parts to keep me reading. I got Lock In yesterday at the library, so I’ll report back.

      4. Fikly*

        If you like audio, many of Scalzi’s books are read by Wil Wheaton, who is an excellent reader (I’m brain fogging on the name for this).

    4. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I stocked up at the library. In normal times I don’t get to read actual books (young children).

      Top of the pile is “Becoming” by Michelle Obama. I know I’m very late to it but I’m looking forward to the read.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Currently reading Le Road Trip: A Traveler’s Journal of Love and France, by Vivian Swift. I adore her mix of travel, memoir, and lovely illustrations, and this book – in which she and her new husband enjoy France in their own inimitable fashion – is quite charming. (I also recommend Swift’s other books, including When Wanderers Cease to Roam: A Traveler’s Journal of Staying Put, and Gardens of Awe and Folly.)

      And for a change of pace, The Call by Peadar O’Guilin is a grisly and relentless horror novel in which the Sidhe have isolated all of Ireland from the rest of the world and are systematically capturing young teens to hunt. Interesting twist on the taken-by-the-faeries myths.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Forgot to mention the longest book I’m currently reading – or actually, listening to: The Mirror and the Light by Hilary Mantel, the final book in her “Thomas Cromwell” trilogy. Since I know Cromwell’s historical fate there’s a LOT of impending-doom, but as ever the mix of historical details and the minutiae of daily life are fascinating. [I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, but this History Blog post about conservation efforts on a Tudor-era ceiling in Hampton Court Palace seemed timely: http://www.thehistoryblog.com/archives/58155 )

    7. Richard Hershberger*

      For a recent non-fiction suggestion, The Anarchy by William Dalrymple. It is about how the British East India Company went from being an underfunded trading company to ruling India. This is really quite astonishing, when you think about it. The vastly oversimplified short version is that they had a short-lived but decisive advantage in military technology at the precise moment that the Moghul Empire as vulnerable for reasons of its own. Also, a lot of lucky breaks. The books is aimed at a general audience, and is written in very readable English, not High Academic Gibberish.

    8. Jules the 3rd*

      Working my way through Lois McMasters Bujold’s Vorkosigan saga for the umpteenth time – on Civil Campaign. Should finish early next week, and move on to her fantasy stuff. Then I’ll have to actually think about what to read…

      2. Teacher Lady*

        Have you previously read her fantasy? I am a huge Vorkosigan fan, and just finished Curse of Chalion for the first time…barely. It literally took me two months to finish it, during which time I read a dozen other books as well. I think I noticed the world-building a lot more in Chalion (compared to the world of the Vorkosigans) and wasn’t into it. Once the big adventure/quest of Chalion got underway, I really enjoyed it, but that wasn’t until about 2/3 of the way through the book.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I like pretty much all Bujold except for the Chalion books, which are ok but seem…ponderous? Maybe? Like there’s just too much slow explanation of things. I haven’t re-read them for long enough that I’m a bit short on details of why I don’t read them more often, but they just aren’t as interesting to me as her other series. (It’s not just a fantasy versus SF thing, because I really liked her Sharing Knife books.)

          I think part of the problem is that one of the things that Bujold does best is tell a fantasy or SF story that isn’t about saving/changing the world, just people living in it and doing their best to deal with people-level problems, and the Chalion books (or at least the first one, which is honestly the only one I can remember all of the plot details of right now, even though I know I’ve read three of them multiple times) is going a little “bigger” in terms of the problem to be solved.

          (I do read plenty of books in which which people saving and change the world by other authors. I’m just a bit tired of it since so much SF/Fantasy is on that level.)

          1. Richard Hershberger*

            Try, if you have not already, the Penric novellas. These are set in the same world as Chalion, but in a different time and place and can be read entirely separately. They are quite character-driven, with Penric taking the Miles role, if not quite so aggressively.

      3. Ali*

        She is one of my favorite authors! After you finish working through her, I recommend “The Goblin Emperor” by Addison and the Graceling series by Cashore.

    10. Sleepless*

      One of my most prized possessions is a first edition hardback copy of The Left Hand of Darkness.

    11. Pliant Platapus*

      Just picked up The Splendid and the Vile by Erik Larson, The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates, Brain Food by Lisa Mosconi M.D., The Last Negroes at Harvard by Kent Garrett & Jeanne Ellsworth, The Hidden World of the Fox by Adele Brand, Pretty Bitches edt. by Lizzie Skurnick

    12. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      I’m enduring Priory if the Orange Tree because my daughter gave it to me for Christmas and is delighted to see day reading it. Trying to read the essays in “The Eiffel Tower and other Mythologies” by Barthes and Voices from Chernobyl … but working to find something to really dig into. (Which should maybe be Mantel’s books 2 & 3).

    13. smoke tree*

      I’m reading The Testaments by Margaret Atwood. I think it’s great (although I love all of her speculative fiction, so that’s not much of a surprise) but it’s making me want to re-read Handmaid’s Tale. It’s been a while and I’ve forgotten a lot of the details.

      I remember that my main takeaway from The Left Hand of Darkness was that I thought the use of masculine pronouns really undermined the story, but maybe that was an ungenerous reading. I think she mentioned in later interviews that she regretted that choice.

    14. Nacho*

      I’m reading Ex-heros, a story about a post-apocalyptic world where a virus has killed everyone and turned them into zombies. Seemed appropriate.

    15. Lost in the Woods*

      Left Hand is one of my favorite books of all time!

      I’m almost finished with Hangfire by Eoin Colfer. It’s interesting, but very weird – I associate his literary voice so much with books I read as a kid that the shift to adult language and tone is very jarring.

    16. Sparkly Librarian*

      Everything. I finally have time to get to my To Be Read stack. I re-read The War That Saved My Life (kids’ historical fiction, WWII Britain, intersections of disability and foster family trauma) because it seemed appropriate, and I have the sequel as well. Glancing over at the literal stacks, I see Crier’s War, X, Too Afraid to Cry, The Length of a String.

    17. Former Employee*

      One of the best books I’ve read in a long time is “The Best American Essays of 2019”. The guest editor was Rebecca Solnit. I have to warn people that some of these are very depressing, especially the ones about the gone birds, i.e., birds that have gone extinct and the disappearing landscape. Then there are the ones that are just upsetting in a whole different way, such as the one that explores the idea that young men should be allowed to assault young women while another is about incels.

    18. Jackalope*

      Just finished Ann Patchett’s “Commonwealth”, which was really enjoyable and engaging. I also liked her other book that I read, “State of Wonder”, although that one had a few more things that annoyed me.

    19. Llama Face!*

      I’m re-reading Home From the Sea, one of Mercedes Lackey’s Elemental Masters series books, and just noticed there is totally an Amelia Peabody cameo in the early chapters. How I missed it the first time I don’t know.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Too much internet due to stress.
      I’m taking vurtual river strolls with Lara Maiklem: “Mudlarking: Lost and Found on the River Thames”. And when I can concentrate, the next in line is “Gateway” by Frederik Pohl.

    21. Akcipitrokulo*

      Forcing myself to finish a truly toxic book which appeared in kindle unlimited recommendations as a cosy murder mystery. And… yeah. Main character has zero agency. She gets told what to do by bunch of boundary stomping “friends” including what is meant to be an endearing group of grandma detectives. She’s just left abusive husband when he gets killed, and she is prime suspect.

      Skipping over the ridiculous aspects… the detective is the bad guy because he suspects her and is obviously trying to frame her because of course she would never do it… friend policeman crosses so many lines… they find out what time of death is because the “grandma posse” know the coroner so he tells them confidential info about a murder…

      The live interest is a ccreepy abusive boundary destroying dangerous shit… but it’s in her best interests so must be twue wuv that makes him ignore her stated wishes. Like “don’t come with me to this meeting, I want privacy”, “stay away from me at funeral” or “get out of my apartment”.

      *sigh*

      This is Christian Grey level of creepy unhealthy stalkerish “love”. Without the bdsm part… but actually, I think this guy is worse.

      1. Akcipitrokulo*

        oh… it’s called “Love in the time of murder” by D E Haggerty. Horrible, rancid book.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Sounds dreadful! Can you give yourself permission to put it down in real life (and then respond to all those enthusiastic kindle recommendations)? Seems a shame to torment yourself instead of reading or doing something else more pleasant.
        OTOH there is grim pleasure in noting the many ways a work of art is terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad (credit to Judy Viorst, author of the children’s picture book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day). I still recall with glee the novel that I finally closed after about 100 pages in which the characters alternately committed fornication and murder.

  16. Loopy*

    I got a bunch of free bok choy and am not a cook (I’ve posted about this several times :P) but want to use it.

    I have zero idea what to do with it, any tips for very very very easy but delicious ways to prepare itor incoporate it into a meal? I could Google but I’ve learned all recipe sites cannot be trusted and I don’t really have any favorite go-tos for cooking!

    1. MatKnifeNinja*

      You can cut it very thin and use it in a salad for crunch.

      Easiest recipe. Grain of choice (white rice/quinoa/whatever), set aside. Scramble up some egg. Set aside. Veggies of choice sliced thin, think stir fry style. Cook your veggies to the crispness you want, and while cooking add what you want for seasoning (soy sauce/hoisin/Mrs Dash/butter…it’s your choice). When veggies are near done, put in scrambled egg (and or tofu/meat if you want-precook meat before hand). Toss until mixed, then put over rice. Some also put the rice in the pan, but if you don’t really know how to cook, the rice can stick. Done!

      Also thinly sliced book choy is great in soups too. HTH :)

    2. Curly sue*

      I love a simple bok choy stir fry – depending on the size you can slice the stems or not (1″ pieces work well). Wash well and dry, toss into hot oil and keep it moving until the leaves all wilt, season with a sprinkle of salt. There’s a YouTube channel called Asian garden to table, iirc, where I learned that one. She does great demos that are easy to follow.

      If you prefer sauces, my go-to for stir fries is the honey garlic stir fry sauce from a blog called ‘dinner at the zoo’. I make variations of that with different proteins and veg at least once a week.

    3. Nancy*

      Oh, I love bok choy. But unfortunately I can’t usually find it where I live. But anyway, what I do is tear off the leaves, so they’re still whole, and wash them, and chop some garlic. I stir fry the garlic in oil until softish and then add the bok choi and some soy sauce, and cook for another two mins or so. I’d typically have it as a side dish at dinner, or maybe with scrambled eggs earlier in the day.

    4. purple otter*

      The best way to eat bok choy is a simple stir fry. Similar to Nancy’s version.

      1) Wash bok choy, esp in between the leaves. Shake it dry.
      2) Chop off stems if you want a cleaner look.
      3) Chop it into roughly 1-in pieces. I prefer to separate the white part and the leafy part for easier cooking.
      4) slice up some garlic – I do one clove per bok choy bulb, but that’s because I love garlic
      5) Add a neutral vegetable oil to pan (I usually use canola or light olive oil)
      6) Add the sliced garlic to hot oil, let it sizzle for about 20-30 seconds
      7) Add the white fleshy crunchy part to pan, stir fry/saute until it starts to look a little translucent
      8) Add the leafy part to pan, stir fry/saute until it starts to just slightly wilt.
      9) turn off heat, add salt to taste if you like (I usually skip this)
      10) serve hot and EAT!

      Alternatively, if you’d like a slightly more fancy preparation, look up Braised Chinese Mushrooms with Bok Choy by Woks of Life. FWIW I rely on Woks of Life a lot for Chinese-style cooking, and as a Chinese American, their recipes taste like my grandma’s delicious cooking.

    5. Jonah*

      I worked at a fancy grocery store a few years ago, and I had lots of customers who would halve it and roast it in the oven with a little olive oil and salt and drizzle with balsamic. You can also use it egg rolls!

    6. Campfire Raccoon*

      Stir fry or soups! I love bok choy in miso or fish-based soups. But I’d toss it in last second for soups. Most choy types are kinda watery, and are better a little stiff. That is, you don’t want to boil the heck out of them.

  17. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    A couple weeks ago I asked for advice on large breed dogs, because I was considering applying for adoption for one of a litter of Dane/mastiff puppies.

    Well, I submitted my application on Monday and they’ve already done the personal reference checks (two friends who have lived with me and various pets in the past) and vet reference checks (I’ve had the same vet for all our dogs and cats for the last five years), and now we’re on to the home check! Which, under the current circumstances, is being done as a video submission rather than in person. So this weekend I am cleaning up my house and then doing a video tour for the puppy adoption home check. :)

    1. Dog Fosterer*

      Good for you! The foster home will be equally happy to have found you (and to hand them over, haha). I recently fostered a litter of herding breed, and the rescue was very careful about finding experienced homes. There were a couple competition people (spend weekends on rally-o and agility type of thing) and I am so happy for those pups. They are much better matches to the breed than I could ever hope to be!

      I look forward to more updates.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        The dogs I already have are both hounds, a bloodhound (who is getting on in years, so fairly sedate) and a whippet mix (who, being a sighthound, has two settings — RUNNING LIKE CRAZY IN CIRCLES AROUND THE BACKYARD and SOUND ASLEEP). So I’m pretty sure that a giant couch potato, as Danes and mastiffs are both prone to be, will fit right in. :) Plus I will have an excuse to get a goofy orange couch for my home office, to accommodate everyone. I’m excited. :)

        1. Auntie Social*

          My SIL just got two dachshund pups—she went around babyproofing the house like mad beforehand. Her neighbor thought it was all a bit much and Liz said “You don’t know hounds, do you?” She’s a good wiener mom.

        2. Stephanie*

          Congrats! I have two greyhounds and a greyhound/whippet mix, and I love your description of sighthounds. Very apt. People are always so surprised at how chill they are when they meet them. (The RUNNING LIKE CRAZY IN CIRCLES AROUND THE BACK YARD setting usually only lasts for 5-10 minutes, and the rest of the day is sleeping.)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I do love greyhounds. :) I volunteered with a grey rescue back in Washington for a while before I moved – we don’t seem to have as many of them in the Midwest I don’t think?

            1. Stephanie*

              We’re in Michigan, there are at least couple of rescue groups in our area. Our whippet/greyhound mix is dog number 7 for us, and 5 of those have been greyhounds. (Our first dog was a mutt from the Humane Society, we’re pretty sure she was an Irish Wolfhound mix. Sighthounds seem to be our type of dog.) We always seem to end up with three, somehow. They’re the best.

        3. NoLongerYoung*

          Woo hoo… I will need to see pictures. I’ve had wonderful past foster big dogs and miss them so much. Envious in the nicest way….

    3. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      Yay! Giant breeds are awesome. Just be careful as they grow incredibly fast. They are clumsy and sweet and sadly, prone to dying at younger ages because of their size. (This is why Irish Wolfhounds are called the ‘heartbreak’ breed.) But you will never regret them.

  18. The Other Dawn*

    I’m on the other side of back surgery #2 and I’m home recovering this weekend.

    It seemed like there was a big possibility of my staying two nights, but the day after surgery my doctor said he was enthusiastically on board with me going home later that day. Even though there’s no coronavirus in that hospital yet, his feeling is we need to discharge people as soon as possible so as to free up resources for anything that might happen.

    Thankfully he was able to prescribe a steroid taper pack yesterday to take care of the sciatica that was setting in due to the inflammation (sciatica is such a PITA!!! Literally.) . It set in big time last Saturday night and they couldn’t give me anything to help since the second surgery was coming up Tuesday. When I got to the hospital Tuesday I told the doctor to please put me out of my misery ASAP so I wouldn’t have to feel it anymore; pain meds weren’t helping much.

    I’ll do a blog post at some point and link it so as not to clog up the weekend thread. It will give me something to do other than stare at the cats and dream of being able to drive myself to the store, etc.

    2. fposte*

      I was worried that there’d be some delay in your second surgery–I’m glad that it went ahead and you’re home.

      I know we had different back surgeries, but I had an unexpected amount of post-surgical pain too, and it really did eventually settle down, albeit slower than my surgeon had bragged.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I was very worried it would be cancelled. I asked the hospital when I was admitted that morning and they said it’s the doctor’s (or patient’s) decision to cancel. I asked my doctor the next day and he said that he considered my case to be urgent since I’d had part one already. I had temporary “parts” in me (I saw the list on the screen that morning and it looked like a receipt from the auto parts store!), which means I couldn’t wait too long for the second surgery. He said things like carpel tunnel, knee replacements, and things like that are being postponed unless they’re truly urgent, such as the person has no use of the limb or the pain is poorly controlled.

        I would say the sciatica last week was very unexpected, mainly because there’s no disc there anymore so what the heck is pressing on the nerve now?! I asked the doctor and he said it’s inflammation due to the trauma of surgery. Plus part of the second surgery is total decompression of area. He does some of that in the first one, but the second one is where he completes it and does all the other stuff he needs to do. It was robot-assisted. Cool stuff, actually.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      You sound upbeat, I am happy to “hear” that. I hope your recovery is steady and not hard to push through. Boredom is a symptom of healing, so I hope you are soon telling us you are bored. ;)

    4. Mimmy*

      So glad you got through both surgeries with no delays! Sorry to hear about the unexpected sciatica. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

    5. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Thanks for the update! Glad you were even able to have the surgeries. Hope your recovery goes well.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      glad to hear it went well!
      home – best. and that the pain management is working….

  19. Panic/anxiety attack*

    So I had a really bad anxiety attack last night that left me awake for hours and I couldn’t shut my mind off.

    Earlier that night my sibling texted me. 1 minute later my parent called saying sibling has been texting me for a long time. I check my phone and sibling said go to parent. I panicked and got out of bed, put on my pants and went downstairs. Meanwhile sibling kept texting saying what’s wrong with you why are u taking so long why can’t you get up etc. (I’m pregnant, I’m putting on pants and I can’t move as fast as I used to).

    I go down and meanwhile parent is calm and normal and I freak out like WHAT IS GOING ON?!!! Sibling was on the phone yelled at me to calm the F down and…they needed me to read off a verification code because parent doesn’t know how to read text messages. I found the code and went back upstairs.

    I texted them saying their tone and urgency made it seem like an emergency so I panicked. They said that they heard me and that I treat parent like shit.

    Ok. I could have ignored it. But I didn’t. I said that they can think that and they’re never receptive to my side of things. I told them that parent is always complaining about them to me but I don’t believe any of it.

    at this point…my body went into full panic mode. My sugar dropped super low and my heart was pounding. I shut my phone off before I could say anything more regretful. I started thinking about all the things sibling could say/do, like have me kicked out of the house or tell people i abuse our parent or if god forbid something happens to parent I get arrested for murder. The thought of being pregnant and homeless or arrested in the middle of this pandemic freaked me out.

    Rationally…I KNOW that’s not going to happen! It would never get to that point. I know that. I hate when I get like this. This is the 3rd time this…..spiral has happened this week alone, when it’s never this frequent. I hate the thoughts my mind go to, and the physical reaction I had, it felt like I was being choked and my heart was pounding hard. Normally with the first physical symptom I’d take a Xanax but I can’t take those now so I feel like I have to just deal with the thoughts and just ride It out. It was only 20 minutes or so but it was intense.

      1. Panic/anxiety attack*

        Thank you. The worst of it lasts about 20 minutes but the thoughts stay for hours and just won’t stop.

    2. Ranon*

      I’m so sorry! There are anxiety meds that are safe to use during pregnancy, it may be worth talking to your doctor about them, if you’re at all able to. Pregnancy can genuinely rewire your brain to screw with your anxiety and it unfortunately doesn’t always/ often get better postpartum so if you can, please start talking with your doctor about it now.

      1. Panic/anxiety attack*

        I had anxiety attacks before getting pregnant, maybe 2-3 a year and I took the Rx very little. Based on my conversation with my obgyn and google, xanax isn’t recommended due to the fact that baby can be addicted to it. I really don’t think 1 pill to stop an attack can harm it but I don’t want to do that.

        1. Ranon*

          There are non Xanax options that are more of a maintenance medication rather than an emergency option- if anxiety is becoming pervasive for you it’s really worth talking to your doctor. Pre and post partum anxiety are real things and very worth making sure your doctor is aware of them, tracking, and treating if necessary.

    3. Anon Anon Anon*

      …. am I missing something? Your sibling sounds like an asshole and caused you to have a panic attack. What the heck is their problem?

        1. valentine*

          Your sibling sounds like an asshole and caused you to have a panic attack.
          I would be done with both sibling and parent. They both thought it reasonable to rouse you (1) from bed (2) into clothing (3) while pregnant for a load of BS. Sibling can teach parent how to access texts. Any good reason parent can’t live with sib? Does parent or sib own your house? (Wondering about the homelessness worry.)

          It’ll help you to establish boundaries that spouse can take the lead in enforcing:
          ~no more triangulation; parent could have simply called you, instead of sib texting
          ~parent only allowed to call spouse after x:00 for real emergencies (provide short list) for themselves, and not involving anyone else

          Ask your doctor how to manage panic attacks without Xanax. Get a second or third opinion on the no-Xanax rule. If you have a therapist, ask them how to handle the toxic tag team of parent-sib. Because you’re going to need a long-term plan. Because parent and sib are only going to treat you worse post-birth, when there’s someone who objectively takes priority over them.

          1. Panic/anxiety attack*

            Parent doesn’t want to live with sibling. Sibling flies them over for 1 month, and parent cuts their visit short after 1-2 weeks, saying they “miss me too much”. House is under my parent’s name but it’s being left to me in the will. Honestly, the homeless worry was …such an irrational thought. It was like……
            sibling: You treat parent like shit”
            me: No I don’t, this is what’s going on.
            s: if you have such a problem, then get out of the house, it belongs to parent
            m: *ends up homeless*

            Sibling is a 6 hour flight away and is hands off, but any contact leaves me on edge, especially now. I am angry at myself for panicking and losing my cool with parent but those texts were absolutely unnecessary.

            I think I will need a new therapist. I have someone I talk to but they’re a psychologist and can’t rx medicine. The last visit they were pretty much “you’ll figure it out.”

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Perhaps you can talk with a doc about your mineral levels. The panic and pounding heart might be helped with some vitamins or minerals. Perhaps you could consider a drink with electrolytes in it.

      I think that sib and parent must be told that you cannot be the go-to person for emergencies of any sort. It’s just not good for your body and your baby.

      1. Panic/anxiety attack*

        I see my doctor on Thursday. I have had normal stress/worry throughout my pregnancy but never such an intense physical reaction. And that too 3x this week. I want to chalk it up to these really uncertain times.

      2. Panic/anxiety attack*

        It wasn’t even an emergency. But the way they were texting me made it seem like it was. afterwards parent saw how I was and yelled at them for treating me like that. Sibling laughed (It was on speakerphone). I don’t expect sibling to apologize—I know how they are. Our other parent died not too long ago and the primary care of living parent has fallen to me and my spouse. I visited sibling not too long ago and they did not utter a single word about our late parent which broke my heart a little. that’s always at the back of my mind with them. Times like this i intensely miss my parent Because they held us all together.

        1. Julia*

          I am the only daughter to a mother who favors her sons, and all the emotional caretaking was supposed to fall on me. My younger brother has literally told me he preferred our mother to text me because it frees him up, and my older brother usually just goes off on a tangent and lectures me about being stupid or overreacting.

          I am glad your parent at least told your sibling off, because mine never would, but personally I would ask for better boundaries to be enforced, or threaten to stop caring for them if that doesn’t happen. Especially since you’re also pregnant right now!

          1. MOAS*

            That is so rough, I am so sorry. I am from a culture where parents traditionally are taken care of by their sons, in a joint family system. But even then the physical and emotional labor falls to the son’s wife. From what I’ve read here and in other places over the years, emotional labor being a woman’s job is something that’s very very universal.

            1. Julia*

              Thank you. My (Japanese) mother-in-law also took care of her husband’s parents before they died, I heard, although at least she was a housewife and not also working full time, and presumably knew what she signed up for.
              My mother doesn’t believe in therapy, yet told me all sorts of things about her marriage to my father I did not want to hear. And now she wonders why I don’t want to talk much anymore…

    5. Reba*

      You did the right thing by turning off your phone.

      Have you every had success with other interventions for panic attacks besides meds? I’m thinking of the 4-7-8 deep breathing thing or the yoga “square breath.” I’m glad you got through it but maybe there are still things you could try to mitigate the feelings while you ride it out.

      This is a terribly stressful time to be pregnant (or just like, alive but I think especially for those that are expecting).

      Your sibling is a dick and a half. Sorry.

      1. Panic/anxiety attack*

        I have them so infrequently that I am not opposed to taking a medicine so I am not at risk for dependency/addiction. But for the times I can’t take medicine, I should find another way.

    6. GoldenState*

      Hey PAA,

      I don’t tolerate anti anxiety meds well at all, so finally what we found that works for me is a simple very low dose beta blocker. My panic attacks are accompanied by a racing heart and shortness of breath, and the beta blocker completely prevents that. It keeps the physical reaction from reinforcing what I feel, which gives me the space I need to handle the mental aspect how I need too. I have no idea if those are safe, but maybe bring it up with your primary care?
      Sometimes people in general and women in particular don’t always feel okay asking for some kind of intervention for their symptoms because “it’s not that bad” or “I should be able to handle it”. But you deserve to be comfortable and as content as possible, and they may have a solution or resource you haven’t considered.
      I so hope this gets better for you soon.

    7. Sriracha*

      I’m so sorry. It must be so difficult being pregnant, getting over a tooth being pulled, being a manager at work and dealing with a stressful mother and now having to battle anxiety. Sending good vibes your way. Remember that it is okay to put yourself first. I hope you feel better and will be thinking of you.

      1. MOAS*

        I know you probably meant well but there was a reason I used a different username. I’m hoping that it was an accident because I know I switch between names frequently but I don’t expect to get “outed” when I’m talking about something personal to me. Especially when I’m not being mean to anyone, trolling or being a sock puppet.

        1. JT*

          I mean this kindly, but if you want posts to be “anonymous”, think of how much info you are putting online. We all know so much about you. Which is good, if that’s what you want! But not if you’re trying to be anonymous to an extent.

          1. MOAS*

            I know it’s not reasonable to expect 100% anonymity, I have been posting here for a while but sometimes I want to use a different username. I don’t go around speculating if someone posting is someone else, so I would expect the same courtesy, especially when i’m not being a troll.

                1. JT*

                  Oh, I do agree with that.

                  I feel the person may not have realized you were trying to be anonymous. It may be your writing style or the information you offered because I read it as you and didn’t notice the anonymous username. So that’s why I just wanted to give the kind reminder about anonymity. I hope you get the feedback you need.

            2. Cat*

              To be fair it seems pretty common for posters to use a different name in the initial post to flag the topic and then their regular name in replies.

  20. MOAS*

    I got my tooth extracted on Wednesday and I think the healing this time is better than last. The swelling is going down but I still ache from time to time. It’s a little frustrating to not be able to eat the foods I enjoy.

      1. MOAS*

        Thank you! Last experience was 1 month recovery time. Praying this is a better experience. I made up my mind if I ever need to do this again, I will opt for full sedation – knowing that the dentist is in there and doing all that was…ugh.

  21. Siberian Kitten Gal*

    Post-neutering day 2. Kitten is hyper bouncing off the walls in his quiet enclosed room. Oy vey. 7 more days of his seclusion till he can explore the rest of the house.

    Anybody get a kitten neutered? What was post-op days like?

    1. Venus*

      Neuters are nothing. A quick snip! Maybe 5 minutes at most. I wouldn’t worry about keeping him confined. I might let him out supervised, and keep him in the room otherwise just in case. I have treated neutered cats normally and never had a problem, although if two cats played rough then I would separate them for a while so they didn’t accidentally kick the wrong place. As a single kitty I wouldn’t worry about him.

      1. saje*

        Yup. Female spays I keep a closer eye on, but for the boys I pretty much let them do what they want, and just take a daily peek or two at their nether regions to make sure everything’s healing well. Cats in general tend to heal really fast and well, or it goes south really fast. At this point he’s probably just fine, especially if he’s an only kitten.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        As someone with a ton of cats, I agree. It’s been many years since I’ve had a kitten spayed or neutered–it’s done by the rescue before adoption as a policy–but for the times I did, I kept the males confined for maybe a day or so and then just let them out to roam the house. I’d keep an eye out for another day or two to make sure they’re not playing too rough, but that’s it. For the females, I kept them confined for two days and then let them out. Never had any problems. And if you have only the one kitten? I wouldn’t bother with confining him at all.

    2. Alex*

      There’s only so much you can do. My parents got a new girl kitten a couple of years ago and got her spayed. They tried their best to keep her in a calm enclosed space but she was (IS) an extremely hyper kitten and found ways to act like a maniac even in the small room. But she was fine and healed fine.

    3. Eng*

      When I neutered my two male cats, they were already pretty normal but maybe little tired that same evening, and completely back to normal the next day. Not sure what the seclusion is for, do you have other aggressive pets?

  22. Eyebrow makeup*

    A few weeks ago I asked for advice on eyebrow makeup to make my dark and sparse brows look fuller to they show up on my drivers license photo.
    Thank you for the advice.
    Just wanted to let you know what worked for me.
    Benefit’s brow powder and Saie’s brow gel are favorites followed very closely by elf’s eyebrow kit and glossier’s boy brow.
    I think I’m allergic to Ulta’s brow gel so that didn’t work too well.
    Anastasia Beverly Hills Dipbrow was the worst for me. if you have naturally fuller brows it may work. But the brush is too big and there’s too much product on it to not be a sticky blobby mess for those with sparse hair.

    1. SunnySideUp*

      Self-care at its best! I’ve been skipping eye makeup lately, but will start again Monday for Skyping with my new coworkers!

      1. WellRed*

        Ha! I haven’t put on my makeup in several days now! I am however, coloring my hair as I type this.

    2. Reba*

      thanks for reporting back! I was just thinking about my brow powder, which I normally use daily and haven’t touched in a week :)

  23. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    I had tomato seedlings in water and moved them into dirt trays this week. I also put some pepper seeds in water and will start more beefsteak tomato seedlings to share with friends.

    The snow is starting to melt, so there is hope that I will be able to plant the seedlings within 6-8 weeks.

    1. SunnySideUp*

      The daffodils are starting to come up, which, here in the Midwest, is a first sign of spring.

    2. Ranon*

      I learned how to make “peat” pots from toilet paper tubes so I am starting all the seedlings. Also rooting a bunch of cuttings, and we’ve got sunflowers starting outside. Apparently when I’m home all day I really want to grow things…

    3. Campfire Raccoon*

      I made a thread below about the folly of my zucchini planting, but – My planting dates are 10/1, 3/1, and the monsoon season. I’m a little backwards and done planting until the heat abates in August. It’s all waiting and maintenance until things start producing.

      My winter crops are 90% done. I’ve pulled the last of the cabbages and left a few to flower. The carrots were done a month ago, the first round of favas are ready, and the itoi onions are done. The leeks were pulled yesterday and I finished processing them this morning. The artichokes are producing like crazy.

      Currently I have 45+ types of peppers growing (hot and sweet), 20+ tomatoes, 5 types cucumbers (mostly desert types like armenian), lots of summer and winter squashes, some long beans, watermelons, egg plants, and gourds. I’ll probably spend this weekend cleaning the coops and doing compost maintenance.

        1. Campfire Raccoon*

          It had rained last week, and most of the itois had fallen over. The ones underneath were going to rot sitting like that, so I had to pull 2/3 of them. (The rest I’ll let bulb a little more, so I can store them over the summer.) It was 50# of green onions, easily. I’m belly-deep in processing onions, I’ve moved the electric dehydrator outside with the air dryers, and the neighborhood smells like farts.

    4. Ali G*

      I ordered my pepper plants for planting in a few weeks (I’m going to make hot sauce all summer long). Today I will turn the garden and order some more plants to have in pots on the patio.
      We finally bit the bullet and are having professionals do some landscaping on the front of the house. It was just too big a project to do ourselves. I couldn’t handle spending a ton of money on plants only to have them not work out. This way we get free replacements for a year if something doesn’t work out. I’m excited to see the final product and to take care of it long-term!

      1. fposte*

        Where do you like to order from? I’m going to do more veggies this year and I’d like to do some plants for stuff that doesn’t direct sow well in my area.

        1. Ali G*

          Typically just Burpee, but for the peppers I wanted to more variety so I found this site called chiliplants . com.

    5. MommaCat*

      Ooh, I watched this thread all last year and I can finally comment! My (potted) garden is doing really well: the spearmint I planted last year is thick and lush, the lemon balm, peppermint, and chamomile I started from seed this year are growing well, and the lavender, daisies, and miniature rose that I bought last week and re-potted into bigger pots seem to be thriving. My potted camellia is finished blooming for the year, but the actually-planted-in-the-ground camellia started blooming last week, so that’s awesome. The coral bells I planted near the planted camellia last week seem to be doing well, too. It’s funny, I have a decently sized yard in which to plant all these things (except the mints. Never the mints), but most of them are potted for now because my husband and I can’t agree on where to plant them. I ended up running to the local garden store right when it was looking like we were going to need to self isolate, and I was so proud that I only bought one extra plant than I planned (the daisies). It helps that I brought our little commuter car rather than the family car.

      1. Venus*

        Welcome! It sounds as though you will have a lot of good updates this year. I look forward to them!

    6. Retail not Retail*

      It won’t stop raining so what we have is growing like… a weed. That is what is growing.

      I was doing weed work today and someone who worked nearby said but there weren’t any weeds Thursday?

      My mom mowed a layer of the back yard but the back back is too water logged still.

      /and verboten topics: from the last time where i mentioned our flowers coming to work mid-april well that’s not happening.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The lettuce has sprouted in my peat pots. Still waiting and hoping I’ll get some growth from the old seeds found in storage. I have started filling the small clay pots that I cleaned last fall to start more salad stuff.
      The tender perennials that overwinter did really well. The Fig just moved from the walkout garage into the warmer basement and it has leaves. My bay laurel has some new growth.
      The geraniums are amazing. The big one upstairs has huge leaves and smells like summer when we open the curtains. I want to learn to do cuttings.
      I had to move the lilies outside this week because of an aphid explosion…I’m hoping the plants survive last night’s cold and the aphids don’t. (I put the pots against the house behind the recycle bin.)
      I lost the rosemary as always, but the lavender made it and maybe the tarragon. The stevia and scented geraniums are leggy but happy. The dianthus should bloom early if I can harden it off gradually. The fuscia actually started growing again… I just can’t be sure it’s worth the trouble.
      The citrus needs help with spider mites.
      And my African violet is in full bloom so it will move to my home office on Monday.

      1. Venus*

        “smells like summer” is a great description. It smells like the start of spring here, but specifically the part where things are decaying into compost and the dog poop is exposed…

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      ** THREE OF MY DAHLIAS ARE COMING UP **
      Join me in doing the gardener’s happy dance.

  24. coffee cup*

    Inspired by comments on last week’s thread, I made a very small step in starting to try to declutter my flat. I hate the fact it’s a mess. It’s so full of *stuff* that I probably don’t even need, but I live up three flights of stairs with no lift and the recycling (plastic, and separately paper/card) only gets taken once a fortnight, so it fills up really fast between times with everyone in the building putting stuff in it. I find it very hard not to just pile up things to be recycled and not be sure what to do with them and when they can be chucked. That’s the bit that holds me back. If I could just easily throw things in the bin, I would do it. So if anyone has any tips in that area I would really appreciate it!

    I tidied a corner of the bathroom and threw out some stuff, and put a small plant on the top of a stand. It looks so pretty and so much nicer! I can see how I’d like things to look… just trying to get there feels overwhelming. I guess during isolation I should have no excuse, but it actually feels more stressful.

    1. Just a PM*

      Have you thought about getting one of those trash cans that has both garbage and recycling compartments? I switched to one of these and it’s been really helpful.

      1. valentine*

        If it’s not illegal and there’s no fine, I would toss the recyclables in the regular trash because being rid of it is more important than bailing the ocean. Once you’ve decluttered, maybe start recycling again, but sorting and waiting can only hold you back.

        (And be sure what you’re recycling is really wanted. Some places trash the entire load if it contains unacceptable items.)

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Hang in there and be kind to yourself! Decluttering is stressful and overwhelming under the best of circumstances.

    3. Blue Eagle*

      Kudos to you for starting the process! Just know that you are not alone (I definitely join you on this) in considering the entirety of the job to be overwhelming. What worked for me was cutting the job into small pieces (for me it was 10 items a day) and then rewarding myself when the 10 items was accomplished (by putting a star on my kitchen calendar so there was a visual reminder of my effort). Wishing you the best in figuring out what works for you. I’m rooting for you. You can do this!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Recycling.
      Take the time to find out what is being collected and where it is being collected. Find out when it is being collected.
      In my last apartment, I would take out recycling/garbage when I was going out anyway. The bins were near my car so it was a few extra steps to toss it out. After a bit,yeah, I noticed it filled up fast. So I started making special trips when I knew the thing would be empty or near empty.
      I flatten as much of my stuff as I can. I get containers of milk substitute products that come in regular waxed milk containers. I crush them so more stuff fits in my garbage bag. Boxes that are for recycling, I flatten them before putting them in my recycling container here. I can fit more stuff in my container. I noticed when I was living at the last apartment, because I had flattened stuff it was easier to get it into the recycling dumpster. It fit down into the dumpster because of being flat. People don’t flatten the stuff they can flatten and that ends up taking up a lot of space.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Be sure to check what shape the recyclers want it in, though. Ours don’t want us to flatten plastic milk jugs, which are the main thing that takes up a ton of space in mine. (During farmers market season I buy milk in reusable/returnable glass bottles, but during the winter I buy it at the grocery store in plastic jugs.)

    5. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      I am decluttering too! I have filled two bags so far of clothes I can let go of. Also, I rearranged all my leggings in an over-the-door compartmentalizer. I put leggings I wear the least in the top and bottom rows and if I don’t wear them in the next year I’ll do my best to let them go too :)

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I put recycling pickup on our home calendar so we wouldn’t miss the window of opportunity. Still haven’t found a tidy sorting method either.

  25. CatCat*

    I’ve seen several ads online for mysteries in a box games that the company will ship to you. Off the top of my head, I think one is called “Hunt a Killer”.

    Has anyone ever tried one of these and has any feedback?

    Or maybe can recommend a similar sort of game from that might be available in brick and mortar shop? I ask because a local game shop is offering “curbside takeout” if you order a game online or over the phone.

    1. Natalie*

      I play that one with a friend. We started during her first pregnancy, just to have a regular, non-drinking-focused touch point (we have rather different hobbies) and it worked well through babyhood and now both of us being pregnant.

      They’re a bit hokey but fun. Although in the first couple of stories (which are now retired) you can tell they’re workshopping the best way to construct the overall tale. We’re up to the 4th one I think, and it’s organized in a much more episodic fashion where we eliminate a suspect in each box.

      I think it’s definitely more fun as a social activity. I don’t know that I would enjoy playing it by myself, which is sort of tough right now. If you had someone to do it with maybe you could both order the same story and videochat through the box? There are forums as well, maybe some folks there would be up for a virtual party.

      1. fposte*

        I’ve been super busy and missed some threads, Natalie, so my apologies if I missed an actual announcement, but it sounds like congratulations are in order, so congratulations!

        2. Natalie*

          You did not miss anything, I have been super busy and doing less internetting in general. Thanks! Everything’s going very well, all things considered. :)

          1. fposte*

            You made a comment a few days ago about pregnancy and I thought “Huh, I didn’t think Natalie had kids.” Guess I know why you were in that thread now! It is nice to have some good news–thank you for providing.

      2. CatCat*

        My spouse and I would play together so it would be a social activity. Looking for some new stuff to try and a more collaborative style game experience (because I slaughter him at my fave game, “Ticket to Ride”).

        1. Natalie*

          It’s definitely collaborative, there’s no competitive element at all. I don’t know if they let you pick but the 1999 story is a good place to start.

    3. Mariella*

      they do have a board game “escape room” that i’ve played w/ the family that was fun – 3 different rooms per box, i think.
      betrayal at house on the hill is another good board game mystery type collaborative game but you need at least 3 players.
      if you’re just looking for a co-op game that can be played w/ two, try forbidden desert or forbidden island. also i think some of the pandemic games can be played w/ 2 players but that might be a bit too relevant right now for a fun game night…

    4. Purt's Peas*

      There’s a series of small board games, the Exit games, that I really enjoy–those are escape room games, so don’t generally involve crime, but they’re a delight. For these, they’re one-play-only, since the puzzles often require you to cut/fold/modify the game components.

      The Unlock games are a similar series of escape-room board games, but they don’t require you to destroy components :)

  26. Campfire Raccoon*

    Home Depot 6 packs of zucchini – but each cell had 2-3 plants in it, with second and third leaves.

    Like a weirdo, I bought two six-packs, separated the plants, and planted them all. I put in 29 zucchini plants yesterday, ya’ll. Which is in addition to the summer squash I already had growing.

    I know what I’ve done. I’m not sorry. Yet.

    1. Ranon*

      Well, plenty of time to start researching zucchini recipes! Or maybe this is your year for stuffed zucchini blossoms?

      1. Campfire Raccoon*

        Both, I think. I can dry/process them, or feed them to the chickens. But I’ve got a lot of vulnerable neighbors that wont take groceries, but will take garden surplus. I imagine once the zukes come in, they’ll run when they see me coming.

      2. CoffeeforLife*

        I lurve fried zucchini blossoms. Oh my gosh. I wish I could grow them (but not enough to actually garden).

    2. CatCat*

      Mark August 8 on your calendar as that is “National Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day.”

    5. university minion*

      You’ll be ready for the zombie apocalypse, as long as you like zucchini. Otherwise, start a list of neighbors who don’t have smart doorbells (yet) so you know whose doorsteps to leave extra zucchinis on in the middle of the night.

    6. MsChanandlerBong*

      I wish I lived by you! I do quite a bit with zucchini (zucchini patties that are similar to potato pancakes, zucchini cooked with olive oil and garlic, zucchini covered in Parmesan cheese and bread crumbs, etc.). I could definitely use some extra!

    7. Professional Straphanger*

      Pick them when they get to be 4-5″ long, don’t wait until they’re gigantic and seedy and watery. They are delicious when small. My favorite recipe: cut the zucchini pont-neuf style (like steak fries) and toss with a little bit of olive oil. Sear on a grill (or a grill pan), plate, squeeze half a lemon over, salt and pepper and plane some curls of parmesan over the top. It’s barely cooking but makes a great side dish.

  27. Blue Eagle*

    Decluttering recipe
    In response to my Decluttering Update #3 last week, Tab asked me to share the Monterey Spaghetti recipe (for those who prefer a tomato sauce-free spaghetti). I’ll put it in the first reply so those who aren’t interested can skip it.

    1. Blue Eagle*

      Monterey Spaghetti Casserole (from Quick & Easy Casseroles, but amended for how I made it)

      4 ounces spaghetti
      1 egg
      1/4 cup sour cream
      3 cloves garlic minced
      2 cups (8 ounces) shredded Colby-Monterey Jack cheese
      8 ounces frozen chopped kale (thawed to room temp in microwave)
      1 cup frozen broccoli florets (thawed to room temp in microwave)
      1 can (2.8 ounces) cheddar french fried onions
      2 chicken breasts cubed

      – cook spaghetti and drain, cook cubed chicken in a frying pan
      – preheat oven to 350 degrees
      – in mixing bowl, combine egg and sour cream
      – stir in garlic, cheese, kale, broccoli, french fried onions
      – mix in spaghetti and cooked cubed chicken
      – bake in 9×13 covered baking dish at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until heated through
      Makes 3 servings assuming that one is a hearty-eating husband.
      Smacznego!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Mmmmm sounds delicious! I wouldn’t be able to get the kale and broccoli past the husband, though. Plus I don’t really eat pasta. Wonder if this would work with rice, or maybe riced cauliflower? I have a bunch of that in the freezer I need to do something with one of these days.

  28. MOAS*

    Does what I’m looking for exist? I need a heating pad that doesn’t need to be microwaved or need electricity. So I guess battery powered or USB. I’ve been experiencing lots of breast tenderness this pregnancy, and heat is the only thing that helps. I have pads that can be microwaved and those work but I need something for being on the go. Or I guess not since I’m home 90% of the time now.

      1. Lcsa99*

        That’s what I was thinking. Something like the thermacare heat wraps. I had to use them all the time in high school for cramps. It will get expensive if you’re using them all the time but they do work.

        1. MOAS*

          those packs that stick to your skin? I considered those but I haven’t found any the right size to fit my around my breast/nipple area since that’s where I need hte warmth.

          1. Lcsa99*

            Yup. I would get one of the smaller ones that’s supposed to wrap around your wrist or neck or something and just make it work. Since you’re stuffing it in your bra it should hold well enough to help. Hell, you can just get those hand warmers and put them in your bra, though I might put them in a sock or something first so they dont get too hot.

        2. Professional Straphanger*

          There are reusable liquid-filled ones that have a metal disc in them. Bending the disc starts the reaction, causing the liquid to solidify and as it solidifies it gives off heat. When it cools you put it in boiling water to reactivate it so it’s ready to use again – more economical than the one-use charcoal based ones. I keep a couple of the reusable ones in the emergency kit in my Jeep. The brand I have is called HotShotz but there are others. I imagine you could find them on Amazon for cheap.

          1. LQ*

            I have a few of these too. They are easy to use and don’t get quite so painfully hot as the charcoal ones.

            (I’m a dirty rotten cheater and I have an electric kettle without exposed wires in it and I’d just pop them in there to reactivate them, I’m guessing that someone has horror stories about this and why you shouldn’t do it.)

    2. Disco Janet*

      I have no personal experience with this, but they definitely exist. At the risk of sounding like one of the people being complained about earlier in the comments for daring to tell people to Google things, I Googled ‘battery operated heating pad’ and ‘usb powered heating pad’ and did get results showing that yep, they exist.

      1. MOAS*

        Lol, as soon as I posted this I was like errr I should’ve googled. TBH I don’t like to rely fully on google all the time lol

    4. Mariella*

      maybe try a heated vest? they can be plugged into a usb power pack that you stick in the pocket. just look for one that has the heating elements in the chest area… like possibly:
      https://www.amazon.com/Heated-Electric-Outdoor-Camping-Battery/dp/B07Z9VZJKF/ref=sr_1_81?dchild=1&keywords=heated%2Bvest%2Bchest&qid=1584806744&s=apparel&sr=1-81&swrs=878E368C78435426629BCB969AFBABA9&th=1&psc=1

      we got a vest for my FIL for xmas b/c he is always cold and he wears it a lot.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      What about a low-tech approach? I accidentally sat on my folded shawl. (Don’t put something on your chair if you don’t it sat on. Sooner or later, you’ll forget it’s there.) Anyway, when I got up and put it around my shoulders, it was noticeably warmer than ambient temperature. Now I do it on purpose.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’m a hot water bottle fan, just hot tap water and when it’s cold I pour it in the watering can. This is most useful at night though.

    6. Gatomon*

      I have plug-ins one for shoulders and one that’s just a pad. I don’t think USB or battery will provide enough power output, but if you can be near a plug for the most part that might work.

    7. Melon*

      I have ones from LaVie. They’re smaller and meant to help with flow/clogs when nursing/pumping and more targeted but they are usb powered and could be useful postpartum? Pricey though. I don’t use them a whole lot but great when you get a clog or feel overfull.

    8. Also had this issue!*

      Hi – late to commenting but hope you see this! Had a baby 2 weeks ago and purchased Lanisoh TheraPearl 3 in 1 from Amazon. They are designed to be heated in the microwave. Definitely follow microwave directions or they can get too hot but they are incredibly helpful for me and fit in your bra so you can go about daily life!

    9. Also had this issue*

      Ugh sorry – just saw you need ones that don’t need to be microwaved! I unfortunately didn’t have much luck finding those.

  29. Tau*

    I had remote choir rehearsal on Thursday. It actually went better than I expected, but it’s still not great by any means. I was wondering whether anyone had any suggestions or experience with remote music practice?

    So far, what’s been happening is basically that we have a big Zoom conference, the conductor plays the piano, we all mute our microphones and we sing along by ourselves. That way the latency isn’t a problem, but we can’t hear anyone else and he can’t hear us. It’s clear that the fact that he doesn’t actually know which voices are having difficulty when or what we’re doing re: dynamics, intonation etc. is going to be a problem.

    I’ve been wondering if there’s some way of adding a recording functionality – like, proceed as before, but everyone gets recorded and afterwards it all gets spliced together and we can listen to it… but I suspect you’d have to do a lot of timing/balancing stuff to get it sounding reasonable, and many of the people involved are not super technically literate (we had some difficulty getting everyone to mute their microphones), so unless there’s something that already exists which will handle this it doesn’t exactly seem feasible. (Are there, like… Zoom plugins? Or something?)

    One of the other problems is that our poor conductor can’t actually conduct, because the sound and video can get out of sync and he wants to keep “faking” the other parts via piano or recordings. I’m considering whether he could record a video of himself conducting to a recording, and then we use some watch-together site to sing to it… but am concerned once again about the level of technical expertise, every extra link people have to click seems to take fifteen minutes of time until everyone has understood the functionality.

    All suggestions welcome! I feel a little responsible for coming up with ideas because as a software developer I’m one of the designated IT experts.

    1. Tralala*

      Have you seen the “world’s largest virtual hallelujah chorus” with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on YouTube? Doesn’t answer your question but is a lot of fun.

      1. Tau*

        I haven’t seen that one, but I’ve seen some virtual choirs before! I think it would be cool if we could pull something like that off, but am unsure if it will work out because of the low level of computer competence in the group and the fact that I think most of us have quite low-quality microphones.

    2. merope*

      If you’re on Facebook there’s a great group, Higher Ed Music Lessons in the Time of Covid-19, which is dealing with all those types of problems. There are a lot of technical challenges with the online rehearsal and some solutions in the group.

    3. university minion*

      You don’t really conduct this sort of thing… you use a click track. It’s been a gazillion years since I’ve attempted anything like this (and when I did, it was multiple tracks of myself playing), so I’m not sure what the best apps/software are. I know Cakewalk has metronome and tempo settings.

    4. OperaArt*

      I’m curious about this, too. I managed to have a private voice lesson this week. Vocal exercise were fine. For singing, the accompaniment had to come from my side of the feed because of the latency. I don’t play an instrument so it’s either a cappella or karaoke style.

  30. 00ff00Claire*

    Any advice out there for starting a (very small) vegetable garden? In the past, we have tried cherry tomatoes, squash, some peppers, and a few strawberries, but only about 2 or so plants at a time. We accidently grew a pumpkin once.

    We have a small backyard that is mostly grass, but we do have a narrow strip by our garage where we have grown some of the plants. That side of the garage faces due west and gets the most sun in our yard. We could theoretically plant on the east and shady garage side as well or do something with a small raised bed or containers on our deck. We have bunnies, chipmunks, and squirrels who frequent our yard and helped themselves to most of the strawberries.

    Looking for easy suggestions, especially if we need to start from seed (unless it’s too late; we’ve always bought seedlings in the past). We’re not sure if we’ll be able to get back to the hardware store any time soon, so ideas that are compatible with online ordering would be great! Our hardware store does delivery (for now, as long as they can stay open) and carries seedlings.

    1. Alex*

      Green beans are very easy and a rewarding crop. Pick a bush variety, unless you want to mess with poles or something for them to climb. You can often start these from seeds pretty easily

      I’ve always had better luck with cherry tomatoes rather than big tomatoes. Sungold tomatoes are AMAZING.

      Cucumbers are also often easy. These can be climbers but you can also just let them sprawl on the ground.

      Peas are a fun crop you can start from seed, but it’s sometimes hard to grow enough to make it worth while, and in my experience bunnies and chipmunks LOVE to eat the seedlings. If you do grow peas, choose an edible pod variety or else you really need a LOT of plants to get a good amount.

      1. OyHiOh*

        An option with peas is to plant them densely in a pot, let them grow to about six inches tall, then start clipping the top three inches or so for pea greens. They’re sweet and crunchy and taste exactly like sweet fresh peas, without the relatively low yield of pea pods (that the squirrels will probably plunder before you do). They’ll grow fresh shoots for quite a while, most of a summer season if you keep them inside and relatively cool (under 80-ish degrees).

        To use, chop roughly and use anywhere you’d use bean sprouts.

    2. Natalie*

      I would definitely start small, and start with things you know you’ll eat. There’s nothing more annoying than having a bumper crop of something you don’t actually like that much.

      Adding to Alex’s good suggestions, lettuces and greens like kale or spinach are very easy to grow from seed and can be replanted throughout the growing season. With lettuces you generally want to avoid full sun or they’ll bolt (go to seed and become bitter and gross). Greens have the additional advantage of being easy to freeze if you have too many, just blanch them briefly first.

      Culinary herbs are another great option. They’re easy to use continuously, the hardy varieties can be dried or frozen to preserve, and many of them are perennials so will come back year after year. Probably any herb you like to cook with can be grown in your area, whether seed or sets will be better just depends on your growing season.

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      If you don’t have herbs, you should grow them, along with whatever actual veggies you end up growing. They are mostly pretty non-demanding, they do great in pots (so you can save the ground for bigger plants), and it’s so nice to be able to go outside and snip a bit of parsley or thyme when you need it instead of having to buy it at the store. Much cheaper too, and you don’t have tons of leftover herbs.

    4. Ranon*

      Timber Press publishes a Growing Vegetables in (your region) series of books that is a sold starting place for beginners, good planting calendars and explanations, etc. I really like the one for my region!

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Have you considered hanging baskets, to reduce the animal depredations? I believe there are varieties of cherry or grape tomatoes that do well. And strawberry pots can be suspended simply enough.
      I’ve heard good things about “zoo poop” type animal repellent, but never tried it.

  31. Candi*

    In today’s news, my daughter came across a Beavis meme based on his “I need TP” routine, referring to the absence of said material from store shelves.

    This resulted in me explaining 1990s MTV programming to the daughter who is older than I was when that show first appeared.

    Two white hairs, three white hairs…

      1. Candi*

        I don’t think I’d feel quite so old if my hair would make a more gradual transition. All my blood relatives I know of that are old enough went grey or silver first.

        But me? Nope. Straight from brown to pure white. Urgh.

  32. ALM2019*

    I never read Little Women growing up, so I started the audiobook version this week. Partially because I love movies based on books and want to watch the new one. But these women have become the perfect mental escape for me right now.

    1. Sleepless*

      My daughter read it for the first time over Christmas. She read my childhood copy that my mother gave me for Christmas because it was one of HER all time favorites. She loved it as much as we did and she got me to see the movie with her. It’s a very, very good adaptation if you haven’t seen it yet.

    2. Reba*

      I’m curious to reread it and maybe rewatch the movie version that is so lodged in my memory… I bet I would respond to the characters much differently than I did as a young teen.

    3. Elf*

      I loved it as a kid, but I tried to go back and reread it recently and I almost couldn’t get through it between the patriarchy and the god and the more patriarchy and the very patriarchal god

    5. Former Employee*

      Loved the book. The only movie version I can watch is the old one with Katharine Hepburn as tall Jo and Joan Bennett as the beautiful Amy.

      Since the characters were thinly disguised versions of Louisa May Alcott and her sisters, it’s hard for me to watch any version where Jo is short and Amy is not clearly the best looking one of the sisters.

  33. Ali G*

    Has anyone been successful in getting advances on medication? Not for me, but for my dog. He’s on 3 daily meds (prozac, and two different heart meds). I’ve emailed the doctors, but I won’t hear back until Monday. 2 of the three I get from the regular pharmacy, so I am wondering if I can call them directly and ask – or do I need the doc’s permission? Right now I only have 2-3 weeks of the Prozac and one heart med (the other heart med I have about 4 weeks). I think I normally can’t get them until I only have 10 days available, but a week from now who knows??
    Any insights would be appreciated!

    1. Candi*

      Every pharmacy I’ve dealt with, you need a script. The pharmacies just don’t have the free samples doctors might.

      I’d recommend calling the clinic if it’s urgent, as soon as they’re open for business. As long as you’re polite, you have a shot at getting what you need, even if it might be a rule bender normally.

      For instance: Due to [long story], my clinic was closed for a week just when I needed a refill on my levothyroxine. (Nothing related to covid.)

      The pharmacy called for me, and I sent an email through the online patients’ portal, but it wasn’t getting results.

      So I called another clinic in the same chain and asked for their help. Two days later (3 pills left) I got my refill.

      1. valentine*

        If you can switch to 90-day mail order, the service deals with the rest, including notifying the doctor when the Rx is running out.

    2. fposte*

      I would call both. I’ve found it hard to get through right now so don’t be surprised if it’s a long wait. Does your pharmacy deliver or have a mail-order option? That’s worth considering as well.

    3. 90 supply nogo for controlled substances*

      Prozac is a benzodiazepine and is a controlled substance. Because of this, a pharmacy will only to fill 1 month supply.

      Spouse takes a heart med and her doctor wrote a script for 90 days and filled no problem.

      I feel sorry for people with chronic pain who need to go to the pharmacy every month to get relief.

      Ask me how I know about the Benzo.

      3. Courageous cat*

        Guys, let’s be really, really careful to not spread misinformation. Prozac is not a benzodiazepine. It is not a controlled substance. It is a very safe and old antidepressant.

    4. Johanna*

      In my state they made it so pharmacist’s could renew 30 day prescriptions if a doctor had written it previously. Definitely talk to the pharmacists…as kindly as possible. I know this is a hard time for them!

    5. Gatomon*

      You probably can’t refill them yet, but if they run low on a med they will likely do a partial filling and give you the balance when they restock next. At least that would be what they do for a human.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Watch out, though. Walgreens did that once, and they tried to charge me two co-pays.

        1. Gatomon*

          Oof, that doesn’t surprise me at all. Walgreens lied to me once and said they could fill a prescription my normal pharmacy was out of, just to get the transfer.

      2. Pharmgirl*

        It’s usually insurance that prevents early fills, or the law if it’s a controlled substance. For the meds Ali G mentioned, if she’s paying cash the pharmacy may be willing to fill the remainder of the script.

    6. another anon for this*

      I’m assuming you’re paying out of pocket for these? In which case if there are enough refills left on the prescription, you can fill for more than is written, but not more than the total of all refills (this is state dependent, but legal in most states I believe). E.g. if the vet wrote for #30 x 5 Refills, and you’ve filled it twice, you can fill up to 4 months at once on the next fill, and then would need a new prescription.

      Reach out to the pharmacy – pharmacies are insanely busy right now, and I’m sure they’d prefer filling several months at once to prevent multiple trips in.

    7. KR*

      If you can wait until Monday I’m sure the vet will write another prescription. I’ve requested spares and extras many times and the vet approves it every time.

  34. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Thursday, working from home and Arwen sits on me. Look at her, realize that she’s got asthma going, and have to figure out how to get her to a vet for her shot of meds. Ok. My vet is closed right now, telemedicine only. He helps me find another vet to go to, take her in and she’s given her shot and diagnosed with a heart murmur.

    Today, I wake up, get dressed, and go down to feed the cats. Jill, who normally scarfs down her wet food, eats 3 bites and walks away. She still hasn’t eaten. Watching her now. Let’s hope she’s just being silly.

    However, very glad I did my grocery shopping and errands yesterday. Am good for a bit. All setup to paint my bedroom. And going to have a video conference tonight with some friends :)

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Oh, and my asthma is flaring up and making me cough. Going out of the house is going to be interesting.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        A friend decided to carry her medical diagnosis paperwork because she’s already had people get worried about her cough. Even people at w*** who should know it’s a chronic condition.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Getting there! Working theory is Jill is constipated, so seeing what that accomplishes today. Vet is open tomorrow if necessary. Arwen’s great.

  35. Can I get a Wahoo*

    My calves locked up on Tuesday after I went up and down flights of stairs at an attempt at exercise. And they’re still locked up this morning.

    I’ve tried heat, potassium, and stretching. Any other suggestions? It hurts to walk—thankfully I haven’t had to go anywhere but the weather is actually semi decent today and I want to sneak in a walk

    1. fposte*

      I’d ease up on the stretching and try some self-massage. If you don’t have a roller, do you have a tennis or any other kind of ball?

      1. CatCat*

        Second this from someone who gets really tight calves. You can find videos on YouTube on how to do this. I use a foam roller and it suuuuuuuucks while you’re doing it (hurts!), but provides real relief afterwards.

    4. MissGirl*

      Magnesium for long term. Epsom salt for short term and definitely rolling. I had this problem for several months and finally tied it to a medication I was on.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      All of the above and adding make sure you eat veggies. I got neglectful and stopped paying attention to my veggie intakes. Oh my. Did my legs hurt. Veggies, daily.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I had a lot of calf problems earlier this week, and I realized it was because I was wearing my around-the-house sandals rather than my go-out-in-the-world boots, which are the ones I have my orthotics in. I’d been walking in the house for exercise, and hadn’t worn my boots in days. My feet didn’t hurt, but my calves were not happy about the new regime. I wore my boots (and orthotics) around the house for the last two days and my calves are much happier.

    7. Skeeder Jones*

      Magnesium is a natural muscle relaxant. I use it when my muscles are smarting. For me, it usually means taking twice the RDA but it legit ended a gnarly fibromyalgia flare where my muscles were so locked and painful, I was bed bound

  36. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Update from my finger’s run-in with the blender: Saw a hand doctor on Thursday. He suggested drinking for the pain — seriously. (I am sticking with Percocet.) I have to go back on Monday when some of the swelling is down so he can see whether or not I cut a tendon. If I did, it has to be surgically repaired, which would add six weeks to the recovery time. So please send good thoughts in my direction that I did not cut a tendon, as I would like use of my hand back before that.

    Get rid of your blenders.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      OMG! Shuddering (squeamish re actual or imagined sight of blood) but also sending you good thoughts re all healthy tendons. Feel better. May you have good distractions (written? broadcast?) from the pain this weekend.

    3. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      So sorry, Alison. Good luck! This is some time to have to go to a hospital!

    4. Myrin*

      Oh goodness, I read about this when it happened and then promptly forgot about it because while I’m not particularly squeamish normally, that particular scenario just created an all-around horrifying image in my head.
      I’m wishing you a speedy recovery!

    6. Lives in a Shoe*

      Was your Dr. wearing a Stetson and a straight face when he suggested that? :)
      Hope the pain eases up and you have a quick recovery.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      I got the shudders when I read about your blender accident. I am hoping – please, please, please – that your tendon is good. Sorry you’re doing through this.

    8. Anonnington*

      I’ve actually used alcohol for pain relief and have talked about it pretty openly, including with medical professionals. Maybe it’s catching on.

      My vantage point: If you’re someone who can use it in moderation, it can be a healthy option because it’s less physically addictive and has fewer side effects (for some people) than a lot of prescription pain meds.

      It’s not that great. The downsides are obvious. Just one option that’s valid when the pain is bad enough.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        After my father died, my mother asked her doctor for something to help her sleep. He told her to have a glass of wine before bedtime. It did seem to help.

      3. Anonnington*

        Yeah, the great thing about beer and wine is that (depending on the variety and quality) they can be nutritious, and they have analgesic properties in addition to the alcohol. The hops in beer, for example, have a sedative effective. The yeast is good for you. And we all know about the health benefits of wine.

        I’ve personally cut back since moving because good beer and wine are more expensive here. But it’s a good option to have.

      4. MsChanandlerBong*

        My dentist recently refused to give me pain meds for an abscessed tooth. The problem is that I have a lot of risk factors, so I couldn’t just have the tooth pulled. I had to go to an oral surgeon–he had no available appointments for five weeks. Imagine spending five weeks with the pain from an abscessed tooth! So I ended up buying a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and having a Jack and Coke before bed each night. It didn’t kill the pain completely, but it helped me sleep. Before I bought it, I’d barely gotten any sleep for a few days because the pain would wake me up at night.

        1. Candi*

          Why didn’t he prescribe antibiotics? An abscess is, by definition of being an abscess, an infection.

          We learned in abnormal psychology that there’s groups trying to turn dentists away from using opiates to treat pain to try and reduce addiction cases.

          HOWEVER, they are ALSO directing dentists to prescribe (not recommend, write a script -that allows for amounts and dosages that are more precise and still safe) ibuprofen or Tylenol instead, based on studies where using them singularly or in combination had a definitively better effect on acute short-term dental pain then opiates.

          Sounds like your dentists got the memo on the first part but not the second. Grrr.

          Although in a case that resulted in me having severe pain until the dentist could see me (thank you whoever cancelled), I was taking ibuprofen (800 mg), Tylenol two hours later (1000 mg), ibuprofen two hours after that… it kept the worst part of the pain at bay. If you have kidney or liver problems DO NOT DO THIS.

          (Aspirin isn’t a good idea because I WILL get a nosebleed.)

    9. Courageous cat*

      Can I ask how in the heck it happened? I have an immersion blender so want to try to avoid whatever occurred here, haha. I’m so sorry though.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I was making garlic sauce with an immersion blender and stupidly tried cleaning some garlic out of it with my finger … and accidentally bumped the button to turn it on while I was doing that … and blended my finger. To the point that it’s fractured! Had to go to the ER and get 19 stitches. Very painful, do not recommend.

        2. Jackie*

          Oh my gosh! I love my immersion blender. Note to self- unplug before cleaning.
          I’m an anes. nurse and have done MANY cases of “ boo boos” like this. ( freshly cut lids from can openers are dangerous too!)
          Best of luck and good thoughts your way Allison

        3. NoLongerYoung*

          oh, no! I won’t tell the story but I have seen something similar (I was 10) and it stuck with me.

          Keeping good thoughts for you healing w/o tendon surgery!

        5. Courageous cat*

          This is 1000% something I would do so this is good to know. Hope it heals quickly.

        6. Candi*

          I told my daughter about this. (She wants to be a chef.)

          She facepalmed. But sends her best wishes for your recovery. :)

    11. Rebecca*

      All the good thoughts for you! How painful :( I sliced my index finger open almost 2 years ago, 6 stitches, the pain was bearable but I couldn’t get it wet. So I used a surgical glove, XL size (thank you Kind ER Nurse!), and duct taped it around my wrist so I could wash my long hair and take a shower. I sort of looked like a serial killer trying to thwart forensics.

      Hope your tendon is OK. I never regained feeling in part of my finger, I suspect I cut a nerve or something, but my finger works correctly, the scar is minimal, so I’m calling it a win.

    12. old curmudgeon*

      OW-OW-OW-OW-OW

      Ok, now that I’ve got that out of my system, please know that you have ALL my good thoughts for fast and easy healing, along with kitty snuggles and contented times at home.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I’d agree with drinking plenty of water but that is not what he meant, I guess. Proper hydration encourages organs to work correctly which can do many supportive things for a wound.
      Willow bark is very good at reducing swelling, if that type of thing interests you.

      Fingers crossed and a bunch of good thoughts for Monday’s check in. I am sure that more people than just me will want to hear how you made out, so please let us know.

    14. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

      OMG – definitely sending good thoughts your way!
      A co-worker of mine had a similar accident (her phone rang, for some reason she decided to answer with one hand and reach inside her mixer with the other *without* turning it off first!). She didn’t cut a tendon, but she did end up with a weird finger bandage on that made her look… well, she looked like E.T. Her biggest problem was operating her mouse. It took about 8 weeks total recovery time :-( Here’s hoping yours is problem-free and doesn’t involve invoking a beloved 80’s movie character!

    15. Mimmy*

      Sending positive vibes for Monday!! Please keep us posted!

      Also, please tell me this isn’t on your dominant hand!

    17. WoodswomanWrites*

      Definitely sending my warmest and healing thoughts your way, Alison! Keep us posted on how you’re doing.

    18. Princess Deviant*

      Sending you healing finger vibes, and may the tendon gods smile upon you. Hope you’re not in too much pain. Take care.

    21. Reliquary*

      Oh my gosh, this sounds exactly like something I would do.
      I promise not to buy an immersion blender.
      I do hope you heal quickly, you poor thing!

    22. Candi*

      Did your doctor know you were on Percocet when he made the alcohol suggestion?

      Because if he didn’t, then cool. But if he did know about the med, WHAT was he thinking??

      Percocet: “High risk for addiction and dependence. Can cause respiratory distress and death when taken in high doses or when combined with other substances, especially alcohol.”

      How I know: I had a really rough childbirth back in 00. (Kid was fine.) Percocet was one of the meds I was prescribed. Doctor made it very very very clear that even if I wasn’t breastfeeding, I must not drink while taking the Percocet, yes I could die, especially with my history of bronchial infections.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        As long as you brought it up, I’m also going to mention a related warning: don’t take Tylenol and drink alcohol at the same time. It’s hard on your liver and in high enough amounts can cause liver failure.

        1. Candi*

          Yeah. Ibuprofen > hard on kidneys, acetaminophen/paracetamol > hard on the liver.

          Most healthy bodies can handle “normal” doses, but it’s always wise to be careful with medicines.

        1. Candi*

          I hope so. I really hope so.

          I don’t mind a doctor net searching or looking in books when they don’t know or can’t remember. But the alcohol/Percocet is *such* a thing that it should be in the RAM memory of the brain when dealing with a patient taking Percocet.

    24. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      Yikes! Feel better soon! Now I’m afraid to use my immersion blender.

    26. Emma*

      So sorry about your hand! That’s truly awful.

      And this may be on your radar, but be careful with the narcotic pain pills. It’s so easy to get addicted- my husband’s dad is an addict, which started off with an injury. Again, you’re likely thinking about that, but just putting it out there because it happens to many and is truly horrible.

  37. Finding Nemo*

    Fish owners, where do you all keep your tanks? I’ve always preferred to keep them in the rooms that have the most activity, like living rooms. My fish always get more active with people around so it’s like stimulation in my mind.

    I’ve been talking to my roommate about getting fish, which she is fine with. However she thinks the fish should be in a room that is off-limits to her cat, so either my bedroom or the spare bedroom, low activity places. I’d prefer a tank to be in our living room, which we have space for, but she is concerned with her cat getting at the fish. My family, and plenty of friends, has had cats and fish together with no issue. I think she’s being overly cautious.

    Thoughts?

      1. curly sue*

        That won’t stop all of them. My mother’s cat used to sit on the lid of her fishtank and learned how to flip up the side that opened for feeding. She’d dip her paw in and when the fish came to investigate… flip them out onto the floor. It was quite the operation.

    2. KarenK*

      We had fish and cats for years and the worst problem we had was cats barfing on the hood (they liked to sleep on it, because the hood light was warm). We never had a cat try to catch any of the fish.

      I agree with you. I think your roommate is being overly cautious.

    3. anon24*

      My cat used to love our fish. He was super protective of them, had to supervise all feedings and tank cleanings, guarded over them during the day, and if anyone other than my husband or I got too close to the tank he would jump in between them and hiss. We also had 2 fish that hid all the time but would come up to the glass for him so if we wanted to check if they were alive we’d ask him to go “call his fish”. He’d go put his face on the glass and tap on it and they would come out of their hiding spots. It was adorable. The fish he really liked unfortunately didn’t survive the last move so now he’s just apathetic about the tank.

      I think you should have a discussion with your roommate and try to figure out why she thinks her cat would not be ok with the tank. How big a tank are you getting? Would it be possible to move it later by pumping out most of the water? We’ve moved our tank a couple times by dropping the water level pretty low and *slowly* carrying or dragging the tank + stand with 2 people. Maybe you could experiment with it in the living room and move it later if it’s and issue, or start with a small 1 gallon tank with a beta fish that you put in the living room to get the cat used to a fish and then get a bigger tank.

      2. KaladinSB*

        That’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever read on this site. I love your cat already.

    4. CatCat*

      I think it really depends on the cat. I keep our current fish tank on top of the shelf thingie our TV is in in the living room. Love being able to watch my fish and my kitties don’t go up there and are not interested in the tank.

      My last cat was intensely interested in my old fish tank and I was worried he would jump on top of it (the hood was not sturdy) or launch himself and somehow knock it over (it was heavy, but so was the cat!). So I kept that tank in my bedroom and the cat was not allowed in there without my supervision. I found it peaceful to watch the fish from bed so it worked out fine.

    5. KoiFeeder*

      Well, on the one hand, if you get koi, they’ll intimidate the cats. On the other hand, you can’t really fit them in a tank…

    6. blaise zamboni*

      I think she’s being overly cautious, unless her cat is very smart/rambunctious. I probably wouldn’t trust a Bengal with a fish tank but I wouldn’t trust a Bengal with much else, either. My cats liked watching my tank but even the clever troublemaker wasn’t interested in getting to the fish, she just enjoyed the live TV.

      Is it possible that your roommate just doesn’t want fish in her own space? If you’re confident that’s not it, maybe you could both go to your local fish store and look at tanks with sturdy lids, or show her examples online? Personally, I hate keeping fish in bedrooms because it’s such a PITA for cleaning. I would consider if the investment (both time and $$$) is worthwhile if you aren’t able to enjoy the fish as part of your normal routine.

    7. cats and fish*

      My cats have never been particularly interested in the tanks – I think for the most part they tend to realise after the first couple days that they can’t actually catch them, and lose interest. If she’s worried about the cat getting on top of the tank, perhaps you could get one of those tanks where the lid is totally enclosed in a wooden top (usually for bigger size tanks but now seems like a great time for some DIY woodworking!).

    8. frankly my dear*

      I wish my cat paid attention to the fish tank: the cat’s life would be less boring. Unless your roommate has an especially rambunctious cat, she’s being overly cautious.

    9. Generic Name*

      We have 2 fish tanks in the living room. We also have 2 cats (and 2 dogs and a snake…..but who’s counting?) yes, the cats are interested in the tanks (snake terrarium included), but as long as you have a sturdy lid, it shouldn’t be a problem.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        The snakes are probably more dangerous to tank lids than the cats are! See here:

        and aren’t actually demonstrations of this… I just love the pictures a lot.

    10. AnonoDoc*

      But our cats LOVE the fish tanks :) And they drink out of them (fish-flavored water!) And occasionally fall in, though they seem to have finally learned not to (realize I may have just jinxed that).

      Our cats would hate us forever if the fish tanks were no longer in the living room!

    12. Candi*

      The cat can vary from “not interested” to “must catch the shiny things”. You won’t necessarily know until the tank is set up and the fish have been added.

      The weak points are the feeding lid, and where the tubes for air and such enter the tank.

      If you Google “cat proof fish tank”, you’ll find several professional, educated amateur, and amateur ideas of how to secure tanks so you can have them on the main drag, but the cat can’t get in.

      One thing you and your roommate must agree on: if the cat shows problematic interest of the lunch/toy variety, you must both start working on keeping the cat away from the tank. This applies even if it’s in a closed room: cats are amazingly sneaky.

    13. GingerSheep*

      I’ve got two young cats (both under a year old: 11 months and 6 months) and a fish tank. The tank is in my bathroom because I enjoy it that way : I can watch the fish whenever I’m on my toilet, whenever I take a bath, and every morning and every evening while I brush my teeth. And it’s SO convenient for water changes etc! One cat is fairly uninterested by the fish, the other enjoys looking at fish-TV and sleeping on the warm hood. The hood has stood up well to their combined weight, but they are tiny cats : 7 pounds (3,5 kg) for the largest, 5 pounds for the smallest (2,5 kg).

  38. WellRed*

    Techy people: Planning a virtual friend date tonight to watch “our” show. In order to also chat a bit and feel less isolated (her more than me), what do you all recommend? Don’t need video. Skype? Which I’ve used. Google voice or whatever it is? Which I couldn’t figure out but can look again. We tried speaker phone yesterday, but I think I’d be able to hear her better through something on laptop.I’m planning on researching lots of different platforms in general that I”ve never had need of while I’m home.

    1. fposte*

      I’ve used Skype, FaceTime, and Zoom. FaceTime is the easiest but you both have to be on Apple tech. Looks like Skype doesn’t even require an account now so that would probably work fine. Zoom also works fine but is a little more complicated, IMHO. I haven’t used Google Hangouts with Voice, which would be another option, but I would honestly just start with whatever you’re comfortable using, which sounds like Skype.

    3. Mimosa Jones*

      If the show is on Netflix, there’s a chrome extension, Netflix Party, that will synch up playing and allow you to text each other while watching.

  39. The Man, Becky Lynch*

    I woke up to the news about Kenny Rogers passing. So now I’m crying all over my Spotify account.

    What’s the hardest celebrity passing that you’ve dealt with?

    I know some folks don’t care or get it but these people are often the soundtracks to our lives. Kenny was a family fave. We all sang along on family vacations like the hillbilly mini Brady Bunch lol.

    1. Lives in a Shoe*

      My husband told me about an hour ago. It feels ….. weird. The Gambler was one of the first albums I ever had as a kid. I still have it! (Jim Croce’s Photographs and Memories was the first.) I think I was pretty shocked when I heard about Princess Di and there have been a few others that made me pause for a minute as well. Sometimes it really does feel like the end of an era.

      1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        Dolly had a heartbreaking as expected response.

        Diana’s death was a pivotal moment as well. Especially given the circumstances. I was a kid and remember the coverage felt unreal.

        1. Lives in a Shoe*

          I was a bit older when Di died :) We were reading the weekend paper and I remember just stopping for a moment as I walked across the living room and thinking “wow”.

          The song about Mabel Joy and A little More Like Me still make me sad, but I think I might have to get out my CD and play Tennessee Bottle just for fun today. “Ruby don’t take your love to town”. Yeah, my husband is in for a Kenny Rogers concert today.

    2. anon24*

      I don’t really care much about celebrities, but I was actually really upset when Chester Bennington died. I love Linkin Park and their music has gotten me through a lot of hard times in my life. I was home from work that day and I remember staying inside and listening to Linkin Park for the rest of the day and feeling very sad. His pain was what enabled him to create the music that motivated lifted countless people to push through theirs but it ended up killing him in the end. So sad.

    3. Nervous Nellie*

      I was crushed by the passings of Leonard Nimoy & David Bowie. Both fascinating, talented and inspiring.

      And Kenny Rogers was such a gentle soul. In the so often trashy celebrity world, it’s easy to forget that there are some really good people in it.

      1. StellaBella*

        Leonard Nimoy died on the anniversary of my mom’s passing, I had always loved him. Same with Bowie, and Prince. Those 3 were hardest recently. 10 years on 10 March, Corey Haim passed. That was very hard for me. Michael Jackson was another one that was difficult.

        1. Nicole76*

          Poor Corey Haim. I watched that reality show with him and Corey Feldman and you could tell Haim had a lot of personal demons. It’s sad he couldn’t overcome them and stop using drugs.

      2. Eng*

        I was also going to say Leonard Nimoy. Multiple people reached out to me personally within a few hours because they knew it would be hard. I later hosted a Wrath of Khan movie night with the explicit acknowledgement in the invite that I WILL be crying.

    4. ThatGirl*

      She wasn’t super well known but I was a bit of a wreck when writer Rachel Held Evans died. She was young, and had two young children, and was such a great voice for the voiceless.

    5. Clisby*

      Probably Leonard Cohen. I discovered him as a college freshman in 1971 and loved his music until the day he died in 2016.

      It’ll be the same when Willie Nelson and Tom Waits go.

    7. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      Terry Pratchett. I knew it was coming but it it hit me so hard – I think about him every March and reread a Discworld book (Reaper Man, this year) and I still can’t bring myself to read the very last book. Maybe in another 5 years.

    9. Nicole76*

      It makes me really sad when I learn of anyone’s passing (celebrity or not), but I actually cried when John Ritter died because he seemed like such a nice guy.

    10. Merci Dee*

      David Bowie, Price, and Tom Petty were my big three that took the wind out of me for a bit. Music is such a universal experience, important in almost all cultures. How many times have I been at a loss for words, and the perfect lyrics from some song pop into my mind and fill the gap.

    11. Mimmy*

      I’m not sure why but I was really upset when Christopher Reeve died. Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston were tough too: Michael because he was such a huge presence in pop culture and Whitney because I loved her growing up. Prince was a big shock for both of us but especially so for my husband.

      I was big MTV kid so when all those 70s/80s singers were dying, that was rough.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      So far, it was David Bowie at the beginning of 2016 and Carrie Fisher at the end. Worst year ever.

      Diana was a shocker too. I was okay until watching her funeral and then I lost it.

      1. Blueberry*

        Yeah, I wept for both David Bowie and Carrie Fisher. ANd THEN I saw Rogue One and cried all through the credits and after.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        2016 was also when George Michael died, along with Alan Rickman. George was tough for sure, I cried quite a bit at the news and went up to Highgate to see the tributes.

        I still have the newspapers announcing Bowies death.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I wrote a eulogy for Bowie on my blog; it’s one of the best things I’ve ever written.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        As a former high school jazz bander I’ll co-sign this. Maynard was awesome. He came and played with our band. Absolutely loved his music.

        I’ll also add David Bowie. Not right away, but about two years after he passed they opened an amazing museum exhibit in our area (only for a few months, unfortunately) that opened me up to the true depth of his genius. I’ve since bought just about all of his 27 albums. I wish so much that I could have seen him perform live.

    14. Woman of a Certain Age*

      Karen Carpenter. I was the biggest fan of the Carpenters when I was pre-teen and teenager, although their music had gotten a bit stale by the late ’70s. I loved their TV specials, especially the Christmas ones, and I was hoping that they’d get it together and get back on the charts where they belonged, but Karen’s unexpected death stopped that from happening.

      Coincidentally, the day that Karen Carpenter died was the last time I spoke with one of my very best friends in college. Our friendship had run its course, as sometimes happens, and I realized that I was the person who always reached out and set things up and initiated them. Anyway, I called my ex-friend on that day to tell her how depressed I was to learn of Karen’s death and my ex-friend was sympathetic. But after that I decided to stop calling her and I never ever heard from, or ran into, her again. From time to time I would cyber-stalk her and I learned that she was killed in a traffic accident in the 1990s.

    15. Former Employee*

      I hadn’t heard. Very sad.

      For me it was when JFK, Jr. died. It seemed to be an official end of an era.

    16. Reliquary*

      I am still processing David Bowie’s death. That hit me almost as hard as Joe Strummer’s death, and that’s saying something, since Joe Strummer was my pretend husband. Like many others here have noted, Leonard Nimoy’s death was a difficult one, too.

    17. AGD*

      It’s been 7 years since we lost Roger Ebert, and I’m still trying to deal with it. I read nearly everything the man wrote for more than a decade; I didn’t always agree with him and I certainly never saw nearly as many films as he did, but I loved his writing and he felt almost like a favorite uncle to me. He suffered so much towards the end, but was matter-of-fact and courageous and gracious all the way through. I’ve never managed to read either his memoir or the documentary film version because I think I’d be utterly brokenhearted.

    18. ECHM*

      The passing of Kenny Rogers hit me hard. This morning I put on one of my favorite of his CDs, “The Gift,” and had to fight back tears.

      The other news that hit me hard, though not a passing, was learning that Alex Trebek had pancreatic cancer. I am glad to see he’s still fighting, but I know when he passes I will definitely feel a void.

    19. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      Avicii. Loved his music and am sad he won’t make more. Like, it’s a real deficiency in my life now that I won’t have anymore new Avicii music to look foward to.

  40. No Tribble At All*

    In honor of Alison’s blender encounter, let’s do injury stories for weird/silly reasons, that you’ve fully recovered from! Only that you’ve recovered from, to encourage her.

    In undergrad, I lived a mile away from campus and would bike in. When I started, I always wore my helmet, but none of my housemates ever did, and eventually I stopped. One morning the pedals were slippery from dew, and my foot slipped as I got on the bike. It was the world’s lowest-speed way to fall off my bike. I fell over sideways and hit my head.

    My housemate drove me to the hospital, where the doctors checked me out for a concussion. When one asked me what happened, I said, “I fell off my bike like an idiot.” She started to say “no, no, you’re not an idiot for falling off your bike—“ “And I wasn’t wearing a helmet.” “*chuckles*…. okay, yeah.” She found my self-awareness funny. I did have a concussion, but it was pretty mild. I guess I hit the thickest part of your head? I was back at school after a week, and I was fully recovered after a month.

    Always wear your helmet, kids! Don’t be (an idiot) like me :)

    1. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

      I’m a Florida native. My first NC winter, when the roads were icy (my first experience with ice), I left the bookstore and stepped onto the pavement. I instantly lost my footing and fell flat on my back, right there in the flow of traffic. I was quite stunned for a few moments, but thankfully there were no cars coming at that moment. I was able to get up and had no damage excpt some soreness but wow that was close.

    2. StellaBella*

      A few stories:
      -Running for the bus one morning, in ballet flats, tripped on some weird pavement….and broke four bones in my left foot.
      -Walking to work one day in the icy winter I slipped on ice, and concussed myself. In front of four workmen doing some street works because of the ice. They helped me get up.
      -Opening a bottle of nice red wine, I cut my thumb open on the metal cork covering while trying to remove it. Messy.
      -Finally, pulling on my tights one day, my nail caught the skin on my knee and gouged a 2 inch gash into my knee that bled a ton. My nails are not long really, just sharp I guess.

    3. old curmudgeon*

      Ok, telling on the spouse here (he just left to take a walk so he’ll never know).

      No Tribble, your biking story reminded me of something that happened to my spouse many, many decades ago. He biked everywhere when he was in college (cheaper than driving) and he put hundreds of miles on that bicycle in his teens and early 20s.

      Well, one day in late spring, he was biking home from campus by his usual route, which led through a residential neighborhood. As he pedaled along, out of the corner of one eye, he spotted a young lady in a very tiny bikini sunbathing in the area between two houses.

      Being a typical young man, he found that vision quite attractive, but not wanting to behave like a glassbowl by stopping to look, he instead biked around the block in order to take another peek.

      Only when he pedaled up the street the second time, he was looking so attentively at the attractive young lady and her tiny bikini in the side yard that he bicycled right into a parked car.

      Took him about two weeks to heal up from all the scrapes and bruising. But he survived, and so will you, Alison.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      When I lived at home we had a sump pump type of thing for the laundry in the basement. Sometimes the pump wouldn’t start when it should and you’d see the sink filling up with wash water. The pump just needed a nudge to start. I learned to kick the pump with my foot. At some point, I decided kicking the pump with my BARE foot was okay. That worked until one day it did not work. I laced the bottom of my foot open on a screw or something that was sticking out of the pump. I finally decided to ask to go to the hospital when the wound started closing from the top down and my foot swelled up like crazy.
      This left me having to explain to 27 hospital people that I kicked a pump with my bare foot and, yeah, I always did that….
      Eh, I was a kid.

    5. Mtumoose*

      TL;DR: I popped my bicep tendon playing hockey and was able to have it reattached and not have any lasting issues.

      I play hockey as my athletic activity/hobby. Usually I play forward or defense but sometimes if needed I will play goalie. About two years ago while playing goalie I stopped a hard shot with my right arm right in the crease of my elbow. At the time I just thought I had bruised it thru my padding. The next day my forearm started to bruise and my bicep was in the wrong spot on my arm. Long story short I had the tendon that holds the bicep to the lower part of my arm snapped. After surgery to reattach and 12-16 weeks of recovery time I was able to start playing hockey again and eventually returned to even playing goalie. It was just a freak accident that gives me a good hockey story.

    6. blaise zamboni*

      Oof! In college, I didn’t ride my bike much and didn’t maintain it. The handlebars got loose without me realizing, so the one time I took it out I had the world’s slowest crash into a parked car as it veered out of my control. I gave up and sold the bike at that point.

      For actual injuries: once, I was doing yard work and absent-mindedly stepped on a heavy tool with an angled blade that was leaning against the wheelbarrow. The handle shot up and smacked me in the head. I got a concussion and a big goose-egg on my forehead, complete with the indentations from the rubber part of the handle. It was mild and I was fine, but the goose-egg persisted for a week or so, and I was a very self-conscious teenager so my shame killed me every day.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      I broke a toe tripping on my own cane one morning. This thing is supposed to make me safer, how?

    8. ThatGirl*

      I very stupidly tried to cut an onion with the blade coming toward me, with a very sharp new knife, and nearly took a chunk out of my finger. (Yes I know how to cut onions correctly now.) it bled for hours, in retrospect I probably needed stitches but I was underemployed with lousy insurance. I still have a scar 12 years later.

    9. Pieismyreligion*

      In college I got up from studying in the library and tried to walk on a foot that was completely asleep. Instead my foot buckled, there was a loud crack and I fell to the floor. Where I sat until the foot awoke and then proceeded on my way. Two hours later the foot is swollen and dark purple and the school custodian, a former army medic, is lecturing me and goading a friend to get me to the clinic. I had broken 2 bones in the foot and spent that Minnesota February on crutches.

    10. Lcsa99*

      First time coming home to visit after moving out I was surprised that my mother’s new husband had come to pick me up instead of her, especially since I had never met him before. Turns out on the way out the door to the airport my mother slipped on the step and somehow managed to slice open her leg on a lawn ornament!

    11. Dr.KMnO4*

      When I was in college I dislocated my knee. I was taking a shower, and if you’ve ever lived in a dorm you know how gross the shower floors are. There was no clean place to sit, so I was attempting to shave my legs while standing up. I’d been successful many times before, but this time I twisted wrong and I heard (and felt) a “POP”. I turned back and heard (and felt) a second “POP”. Then the pain set in, and I sat down on the floor of the shower. I’m squeamish, so it took me a moment to gather the courage to look at my leg, which at this point looked okay. I don’t know how I would have handled it if my knee hadn’t relocated itself. I tried to stand up (my family’s general attitude towards injuries is “walk it off”) and promptly realized that wasn’t going to work. So I ended up laying on my front on the shower floor. I tried to crawl, which also didn’t work. I had to yell for help until someone found me. Thankfully it didn’t take long, and the person who found me was a friend of mine. She called 911 and covered me up with a towel.

    13. =^-^=*

      Sliced my thumb open trying to cut a frozen banana. Needed to go to a walk-in clinic to get the slice glued back together. Note to self: Cut bananas before freezing!

    14. Anonuk*

      Not a major injury but I jarred my back when I missed the step coming out of the back of an ambulance! I wasn’t seriously injured and thankfully recovered with some pain killers and a bit of rest. My crewmate just laughed at me!

      You may have thought I would have learnt my lesson but apparently not. I’ve fallen or slipped out of both the back and the front of ambulances on several occasions…

    15. Dave*

      Wife was in China visiting Mom for a month and I’m in charge of the (at the time) 5 year old son. Being a good citizen I’m going to recycle the Chinese food – rice box and separate the metal part from the box. I pull hard and impale my finger with the “fish hook” end of the metal holder. OUCH!!!
      Now I can’t pull it out, so off we guys go to the emergency room. Every doctor and nurse came in and exclaims, “I’ve never seen that before.” They shoot my finger with Lidocaine or something and say this won’t hurt. It hurt like a son of a britches but of course I can only grunt with my little guy standing next to me and checking out all the action.
      He still talks about how he got to run the X-ray machine and I still see the scar from this stupid adventure.

    16. GoryDetails*

      I still have a scar on one thumb from an X-acto knife – I’d been cutting some tough-ish material and instead of getting a sharp new blade I put more pressure on the knife, while I was holding the material still with my other hand. Yeah. Could have been much worse; I didn’t damage a tendon or anything, just a nice deep cut. But I did learn better after that.

      My worst injury, and the one I still can’t believe happened, was a badly-sprained ankle that I got while walking on a flat, smooth paved path on a clear, dry day. I just happened to put my foot down on the edge of the pavement and rolled it sideways as my full weight came down, really bad timing… and it took several months for my ankle to be back to normal. Walking down a path, mind, not hiking on a rough trail or running or trying to jump over something… Sigh.

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        I tripped over a painted line in a parking lot, flailed my hand and cut it on a flying insect. I’m fine now, ha ha.

    17. Cruciatus*

      This is really identifying if anyone I know reads here but…I was mad at my sister and best friend for skiing without me so I got off the lift (t-bar) early and ended up getting a ski pole through my leg (it’s hazy, but I think I went off a jump which my sister had told me not to do, but I was mad so….). Good times. I’ve had a million injuries. I was so accident prone! But that was the scariest one, about 30 years ago. She had to call my parents and 911 at the lodge. That’ll show her to ski with my best friend! (I was 7 or 8).

    18. JDC*

      I was in my garden last year. We have chicken wire to keep the bunnies out. I stepped over the chicken wire but caught my sandal and all of my body weight fell onto it, the wire being between two of my toes. I had to basically throw myself to the ground to stop it. I had a very nice hole between my toes. Three stitches later I always wear closed toed shoes in the garden and me being a klutz is why I always make sure my tetanus shot is up to date. Needles between your rows hurts sooooo bad.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Ow, ow, ow! Chicken wire is a useful thing but it’s so tricky to handle; I’ve had lots of minor snags while trying to manipulate the stuff, though never quite as bad as your foot-stabbing incident.

        1. JDC*

          Ya chicken wire can be dangerous. I know better than to wear sandals but was just grabbing some broccoli for dinner. Won’t make that mistake again. It didn’t bleed much but the amount of force on that spot and the needles in my toes was brutal. Keep your tetanus up to date kids.

    19. Anon and alone*

      Walked into a chair leg and broke the baby toe on my left foot (I was bringing my mom, a diabetic, a snack after her insulin shot). I’m normally a fast walker, but I was walking at less than half speed for a couple of months. I knew it was broken the minute I looked at it because it was at a (roughly) 45 degree angle from the rest of my toes. My mom actually wanted to call an ambulance for that, I told her no, that I would go to the hospital in the morning. Thank you, Canada, for universal health care.

    20. Filosofickle*

      I tore my calf (gastrocenemius) MAKING THE BED. Doesn’t even seem possible to hurt a muscle that big doing something so normal, but I heard the pop and it happened. 8 months recovery time. :(

      Allison’s story made me rethink something I often do — stick my finger in the coffee grinder to dig out packed-in grounds. It’s off, but plugged in. My partner is horrified by this and always uses a utensil of some kind because he’s afraid of it turning on and taking off his finger. Maybe he’s right….

    21. School Psych*

      I’m accident prone and have quite a few weird/silly injury stories. One of them is even blender related.
      When my husband and I were adopting our dog, I was cleaning the house to “puppy proof” it before she came home. I was putting away all sharp objects and sliced open my thumb on the inside our our ninja blender. I had to get stitches and go to a consultation with a hand-surgeon because I had cut into my thumb deep enough that they thought I might have sliced my tendon. We’ve had our dog for 6 years, but my husband still makes fun of me for injuring myself trying to make the house safer and for thinking I needed to “puppy proof” everything and (literally) the kitchen sink. Thankfully my thumb is fine and I did not hit the tendon, which would have made me unable to bend my thumb if I had.

    22. SandraDee*

      I foster seniors dogs, and for the most part they are easy going, but we never know their back story. One day, my little 25 lb beagle decided to pick a fight with the 135lb mastiff. The mastiff has no teeth, but don’t underestimate her. I grabbed her by the collar to separate them, she turned, took my fingers with her. Broke the middle and ring fingers on my left hand. It was 8 weeks keeping them immobilized and 6 weeks of physical therapy, but mostly back to normal. It makes for a good story.

    24. Blueberry*

      I once broke a glass while washing it, or rather, it broke in my hand for no reason. And cut between my middle and ring fingers — I still have the scar.

    25. Julia*

      My shoe lace got caught in the pedal of my bike and I fell over on the street. Luckily nothing really happened.

      I have also stepped on a shell I decorated inside my room as a kid, and on something in the lake while swimming. Fun summer vacation with my foot propped up, but at least I had my GameBoy!

    26. Candi*

      My sister about 15 years ago now was walking down a gravel path in a park in autumn. Just walking.

      Steps a shallow (she swears less than two inches deep) hole in the path that was hidden by leaves.

      Breaks two bones in her foot.

      Two surgeries and 18 months later… of course she ran through FMLA and everything else at her retail job at the time. (Where the management was all customers are always right, and the most evil are the most right.) She’s moved in with our mother and mother’s boyfriend. Very nice guy.

      The doctors and hospital did reduce her bills down to “hardship levels” and hooked her up with assistance in paying them. So she’s mostly recovered, but behind on her student loans, still has to pay the medical bills, and having trouble finding a job. It’s about, oh, 2008-2009 by now.

      She gets a job up at the resort at Mount Pretty Famous, not too far away. Live onsite, meals provided. Makes bank.

      That connection hooks her up with folks in Colorado and Wyoming. Every year for six years she flies down there in spring, works for 6-8 months at some resort or other, flies back in autumn.

      By year four one resort is begging her to not only come back, but come early. At increased pay. They also made her a supervisor. (The bad kind, all the work and responsibility, no power.)

      After year six, her bills are paid off. She has a solid work history. Maybe she can make her Very Expensive Degree(TM) (advertising and art) mean something, finally.

      Then mother got sick. But that’s another story.

    27. Lemonwhirl*

      I once sliced my pinky finger to the bone opening a can of cat food. Whatever position I had my pinky in was perfect for the lid to be a buzz saw. Couple of stitches and a tetanus booster, not a big deal.

      I also sliced up my ring finger when a bowl slipped out of my hand when I was emptying the dishwasher. I guess I reflexively tried to grab the bowl as it slipped, and then my finger got sliced up when the bowl shattered and the sharp pieces bounced up. Again, couple of stitches and another story of freakish ways to hurt yourself.

    29. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Aaah!!!! I’m glad you all recovered and omg I’m not reading this thread, ow!!
      (Runs away like it’s a slasher movie.)

    31. GingerSheep*

      Funniest weird/stupid injury story I know : my best friend’s mother broke her toe while sleeping. Apparently, her toe got stuck in a small fold of the sheet, and bent over backwards and broke when she turned over. It woke her up, but she promply fell asleep again, and only noticed an issue when she tried to get up the next morning, and lay her foot on the ground : it hurt, was blue and double it’s usual size. An X-ray confirmed the fracture, and the doctor was highly amused at the lady who managed to break a bone while sleeping alone.

    32. anon for this*

      I’ve had so many stupid injuries! Going anonymous because they’re distinctive – and not totally unrelated to my job, so sometimes I share these at work.

      When I was almost six, I decided to play “diving board” in my bedroom. The floor was the pool, and then I put a bulletin board across two stools and went diving off it. Outside my imagination, the floor wasn’t going to yield, obviously. I fractured BOTH wrists. Most of the time, getting a cast was kind of cool in the elementary school classroom, but this was just embarrassing.

      I got a mild concussion once a friend’s birthday party. The chair I was sitting in suddenly broke under me and I ended up on the floor. We had been doing nothing more vigorous than playing board games, sober. Friend felt bad, but it wasn’t their fault! We should have turned the gravity down.

      I once ended up with a puncture wound in one leg from a knitting needle, which was a freak accident (a needle happened to be lodged against a solid surface, and I swung my left leg downwards at exactly the wrong angle). I now have a small scar from a knitting accident, which is almost brag worthy…

      And there was the time I tripped on a very level, very flat, newly paved section of sidewalk, fractured an improbable bone in my foot (OK, really – who breaks their first metatarsal, i.e. the giant one leading to the big toe?), was on crutches for six weeks followed by half a year of physiotherapy, then got arthritis in the joint, and needed another 18 months before I could run again. Fortunately, it was never particularly painful, but the recovery time felt…disproportionate. Feet do a lot of (mostly unheralded) work!

    33. different username for this*

      Not using my usual username for this because it is most likely identifying!

      tl;dr – I stepped on a dirty nail, which led to my foot being infected and I had to go to the hospital to have the infection removed by my cousins who are doctors on Christmas Day, while still in my fancy clothes

      Basically, I went to visit my family during Christmas holidays and there was work being done in the apartment building and the workers were not good at cleaning up. The day I arrived. I stepped on a stray nail while walking up the outdoor staircase, which punctured the bottom of my flat and stabbed me in the bottom of the foot. It was painful. I immediately washed the cut in the shower and applied antiseptic, but it didn’t work. The next day, the bottom of my foot was swollen and burning. My aunt (a doctor) gave me some antibiotics but my foot didn’t get better – in fact it got worse, eventually turning yellowish. I started limping around.

      On Christmas Day, I attended a cousin’s wedding. (FTR we don’t celebrate Xmas, but the fact this happened on this day is kind of funny.) When I got home, my cousin (also a doctor) took a look at my foot and decided it did not look good. He drove me to the hospital he worked at. On the way to the hospital, he picked up ANOTHER doctor cousin – who was enjoying a lovely Saturday evening with his wife and family – to join him and spend the night doing an impromptu surgery on my foot to remove the infection. I should mention that I was still in my wedding outfit during this procedure.

      I came home with the hole in my foot all bandaged up and in MAJOR pain until I took some strong painkillers. It took 3 months for my foot to completely heal and I could comfortably apply pressure to my foot. All this because of what was initially a cut on my foot!

    34. Arts Akimbo*

      I’ve got two, the first when I was six, and the second when I was in my forties.

      I remember this one so vividly! I was an avid climber, but I vaguely suspected we weren’t supposed to be climbing the chain-link fence around our school playground during recess, so I was trying to be Very. Stealthy. I made it all the way to the top, but then at the tippy-top saw the twisted wire terminii of the chain-link. Should I put my hand directly on top of one to pull myself up, or should I put my hand between them? Going ever for the highest object, I chose wrong! I never dreamed my own weight would be enough to impale my own hand on the fence!! Worse yet, I had to UN-impale my hand, climb down, and then show my wound to the nurse, and everyone flipped out. So much for stealth! I still have the scar, if I look closely.

      The second one: I herniated a disc playing on a trampoline with my kid. I was so embarrassed, but just the word “trampoline” sends doctors into knowing nods. Death machines, they are!! Fun, fun death machines.

  41. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

    I haven’t had a period yet in 2020, but multiple pregnancy tests have come back negative. Any ideas about what could be going on?

    I’m in my mid-twenties and went off hormonal birth control about 6 months ago. I was having regular periods up until late December, and then haven’t had another one since. I’ve taken 4 pregnancy tests, each at least a week apart. I haven’t gained or lost a significant amount of weight, I don’t feel particularly stressed (except for: waves hand generally at world), and I’m not having any other symptoms.

    I’m hoping to throw this one out to the internet, because it doesn’t seem urgent enough to call a doctor about in light of everything that’s going on.

    1. Anonnington*

      I would get it checked out as soon as is reasonable. It could be something really minor, but you need to rule out anything serious just to be safe.

    3. Jdc*

      Well you aren’t ovulating for some reason. You’d have to get a blood test because it could be thousands of reasons.

    5. Lost in the Woods*

      See if your OB/gyn will do a virtual or phone consult. Many people miss one period occasionally, but multiple in a row may be cause for concern. There could be a lot of reasons, most of which are reasonably benign, but since it sounds like this is abnormal for you I’d talk to your doctor.

    6. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      Thanks, everyone. I sent in an appointment request with my doctor, letting them know the situation, so hopefully they’ll let me know if they think it’s a good idea to come in. It’s a little scary to think that there could be something wrong, but it’s probably better to get checked out now than later.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Good for you! It easily could be nothing, and I hope that’s what’s going on. If it’s nothing, you’re getting checked and won’t have to worry about it. If it isn’t nothing, you are dealing with it promptly, which should help.

    7. Reba*

      FWIW, this exact scenario happened to me when I went off the pill. I was on various ones continuously for about 7 years, then quit. No unusual stress, no other physical changes. I eventually saw the gyn and had an ultrasound (lumpy ovaries but not worrisome, and unclear if related at all).

      I was initially freaked out, like you, but then delighted :)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Thyroid, poor eating habits, lots of weight loss – any of these things will get ya there.

    9. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Do you remember if you had regular periods before starting HBC? If not, then this is quite possibly just you getting back to “normal”. (I seem to remember a lot of people getting on birth control when I was a teen to “control their periods and make them predictable”, possibly just because that was a socially acceptable reason to be taking it at that age.)

      It does seem like something you could call or message your doctor about, though. Not something that needs an appointment necessarily (your doctor will be a much better judge of whether or not you need an appointment than the internet is), but something they could talk to you about over the phone.

    10. mreasy*

      I had super irregular periods (60+ days in between) for a year after I went off birth control. I would recommend seeing an ob-gyn of course but it could very much just be your body readjusting.

    11. Tangerina Warbleworth*

      Make an appointment with not just the OB/GYN, but also an endocrinologist. A friend of mine started having double periods, and it was the endo who figured it out.

    12. Candi*

      Have you started exercising a lot? That can knock things for a loop.

      I’m glad you’re going to the doctor.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yes, with extreme training some women stop menstruating. (Source, used to know an internationally ranked athlete.)

  42. matcha123*

    Does anyone have headache remedy recommendations? And anything for a stiff neck and shoulders? And tired eyes?
    I’ve been having pretty bad neck and shoulder pain since January or so, and a headache that’s been been coming and going for almost as long.
    I can guess the reasons: I am in a terrible work environment where people would rather follow a bully than man up. That’s causing me a ton of stress an anxiety.
    But since I can’t change my coworkers or my office, I need to figure out ways to deal with the headaches, etc.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Call your doctor and ask them for advice. The right treatment depends on the cause.
      I wish you were in a better situation and I hope you get relief soon.

    3. Reba*

      Do you think the eye strain is related to computer work? Do you have special glasses for that? If you can swing it, prescription glasses for the screen distance and anti glare have made a big difference for me and my spouse both.

      1. tangerineRose*

        A lot of computer stuff uses a white background. A black background is much easier on the eyes. If you look for Magnifier on your computer, click the wagon wheel and click “Turn on color inversion”, it will reverse the colors – white text with a black background is much easier on the eyes. And once you have Magnifier up, you can use control-shift-i to toggle the inversion. If you do screen shots, turn off color inversion first, or the result will be un-inverted.

        Blink Tears and Retaine are good eyedrops that are over the counter.

      2. matcha123*

        Definitely have terrible lighting in my office; fluorescent lights everywhere. I’ve lowered the brightness of my computer screen and the times I do wear contacts, I use bluelight-blocking glasses. But my regular glasses do not block blue light and I find myself looking at the carpet or leaving my desk to get away from the bright lights. Will look into getting regular glasses with anti-glare, thank you. Never gave much thought to that!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I like to use arnica gel- it has no scent unlike BenGay or other topicals.

      When I dialed way back on sugars I had a huge reduction in headaches.

      You might find some relief with massage therapy or chiropractic if those types of things interest you.

    5. Anon5775*

      If it’s tight muscles, try Biofreeze. I was super skeptical about a topical treatment but I suffer from headaches a lot and this helps. Get the roll on so you don’t have to get it on your fingers and then wash your hands.

    6. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      A physical therapist can help a lot with tension headaches and stiff shoulders and necks. If you can’t do that, I would recommend stretching exercises (and maybe even self massaging the tight areas) for both your neck and your shoulders. Google can help you find instructions online.

      Arnica gel or tablets can also help some.

    7. Tangerina Warbleworth*

      Water, water and more water. Also the whole eat well and really try to get 9 hours of decent sleep. I know, not original, but I’ve been where you are, and taking good basic care of yourself actually does help.

      1. matcha123*

        Sleep is my big issue. On the weekends I can sleep in. On weekdays I get less than five hours a night. Whenever I get into a routine, it’s thrown off. Usually by being told I need to know more about something, which makes me stay up trying to study.

      1. matcha123*

        I have a coworker that suffers from migraines, I can see if she can recommend a dr. Thanks for the tip.

    9. Julia*

      Are you still in Japan? Shippu are sold at most drugstores and come in hot and cold, and they can be a good in-between if you don’t want to take pills often but natural remedies don’t do enough.
      Also, maybe more magnesium and hot baths?

  43. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone here tried Freshly meals? Just curious about your experience, whether you liked the food, etc. My department at work got me two weeks of meals as a “get well soon” gift. I put an order in and I’m waiting for it to come.

    The food looked interesting to me, but I can safely say there were maybe only two meals my husband would attempt to try. Every meal either had mushrooms (he hates them), ingredients he would never try or doesn’t like, or it’s a combo that just doesn’t seem appetizing to either of us. Don’t get me wrong–I’m happy they thought of me and it’s better than getting me something like Blue Apron where we’d have to cook the food (I’m not up to it yet and he’s dogs-and-burgers type of cook), but I feel like Freshly food is something that wouldn’t appeal to a lot of people, like my husband. I think they probably should have gone with a Visa gift card or something similar.

    1. Jonah*

      I had a subscription for about a month, and I didn’t love it. There were a few meals that were decent (their versions of fried chicken and buffalo chicken), one that was really good (cod cakes), but I ended up tossing most of it and canceling. I couldn’t handle the chewiness of the beef, and I always ended up having to add more spices. Overall, I was really disappointed.

    2. BeeBoop*

      I use Freshly weekly and love it! It’s a solid meal and I like almost all the ones I’ve tried

    3. Enough*

      Haven’t used Freshly but did a couple of meals with Hello Fresh when my daughter was home at Christmas. Wasn’t too bad. You can modify the recipes. That’s what we did. Cut down on spices or left out a few ingredients. I liked having the recipes so I can make it or my version later.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Freshly does fully prepared meals. You just pop them in the microwave. Basically a TV dinner, but fresher and more variety.

        1. Not a cat*

          I tried Freshly for about two months and canceled. I found their food to be really underseasoned and the portions were way too large for me. I’m not the biggest eater but I was on a big, understaffed project with international teams and web meetings at all hours so I needed to have grab and heat food or I would have been eating popcorn for every meal. Their variety was limited and they tended to use an ingredient (like mushrooms) over and over for a week. So if you don’t like that ingredient, like your husband with the mushrooms, you are out of luck until the next menu posts. I would imagine for them it was a way to cut food costs.

    4. Suznque*

      I use and love RealEats. I tried Freshly and did not like them as much. The Freshly meals need to be heated in a microwave. The RealEats dinners are packaged in plastic bags with each part separate. You drop them in boiling water for 6 minutes. I think they taste much better.

    6. LadyRegister*

      We’ve been using freshly for a couple months now (new baby). It really depends on what you’re comparing it to and how much cooking experience you have. I love to cook so the meals definitely haven’t blown my mind, especially if you like crispy as a texture, BUT I appreciate that when I eat one, I’m getting at least two veggies, some protein, and a carb that isn’t super refined.

      My husband loves the cod cakes and steak peppercorn
      I’ve enjoyed the chili Mac n’ cheese quite a bit. Chicken teriyaki is solid.

      Second that sometimes just adding a pinch of spices from your cabinet Or some hot sauce can liven things up. They freeze well if you don’t get around to eating them. We’ve increased our order since we have family staying with us during the COVID-19 crisis and it’s reassuring to have healthy food on hand that doesn’t require shopping for and prepping or ordering via takeout (we have awful and limited takeout options).

      Wishing you a speedy recovery!

    7. MechanicalPencil*

      I did Freshly and tried to like it. I did not succeed. There were only a handful of meals that were interesting, and even that wasn’t fantastic. I have used Territory (also prepared meals) and wound up liking it more. I’ve since cancelled both for various reasons, but if I went back to either, I’d go for Territory over Freshly.

  44. Something Blue*

    Hi, everyone!
    I’m going through the canned goods in the back of the cabinet and of course finding cans past their expiration date bc I wasn’t careful about using things up before their date. Sigh.

    So I’m trying to figure out which are still okay and which might give me food poisoning.

    Does anyone have any personal experience for which kinds of canned foods go bad the fastest?
    Like soup gave you food poisoning but canned ravioli didn’t?

    1. fposte*

      There’s a good page on foodnetwork dot com about this. Basically, as long as the cans are in good shape and they’re stored in a cool dark place (under 85 degrees is recommended, the contents don’t spoil–they just get less appetizing. You get food poisoning because there’s a microorganism within the food that gives it to you. If it wasn’t there when the food was canned and the can remains intact, there won’t be microorganisms in it later, either. That’s why cans don’t technically even have an expiration date, just a use by or best before date.

      How old are we talking about, anyway?

      1. Something Blue*

        Most are 2019 but there are a couple 2018.

        Which I know sounds like worrying too much but I REALLY don’t want to get sick with anything right now!

        The unappetizing part is a good point. I need to keep in mind the difference between tastes a little different and tastes WRONG.

        Thanks, fposte!

    2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Expiration dates aren’t scientifically determined. Google “History of Expiration Dates” sometime when you are bored. Basically, they are made up by the manufacturer. Food can often go for much longer than the date before it will make you sick.

      Food poisoning is mostly caused by germs, though other contaminants (like lead) can also cause it. Canned goods are pretty much sterile, otherwise that chicken soup would go bad in days, not years. If the can is still sealed, it should still be edible. If the can is rusted up or has major dings, it might not be airtight anymore and should probably be thrown out. If the can is bulgy or smells weird when you open it, also throw it out. Otherwise it’s probably fine.

      You might have some loss of quality with expired goods, but that would just mean it doesn’t taste as good, not that it would make you sick. That said, I feel a bit weird eating canned goods that have been expired for more than 3-4 years. Also, I don’t feed expired goods to non-family, since other people might mind.

      2. fposte*

        Also discard if it spurts when you open it. Do not try to convince yourself that you just moved the can and sloshed the contents. Not that you’d be the idiot who’d do that. (That would be me in grad school.)

  45. Gatomon*

    Y’all I just need to vent about run-of-the-mill healthcare and insurance frustrations, I apologize but I’ve reached my limit.

    I established care with a new dentist in December, one of the 3 dentists in my town on my insurance plan. (There’s plenty of dentists here, they just don’t take insurance as a rule.) Everything went fine with the dental work, I had 3 visits for an exam and filling cavities, but now they’re trying to balance bill me because they say they dropped my dental insurance. My insurance disagrees and says they’re still a covered provider in the network, the claims were paid in network correctly, and I can’t be balance billed. I sent them a payment for the full balance less the ineligible amount as an act of good faith, but I’m not sure what happens next if they keep pushing it. My insurance said they’d have to dispute the claim with them to change anything, but the woman who does the billing isn’t living on planet logic based on my brief conversation with her. So now I need to deal with this AND find a new dentist for follow up because there’s a few spots they wanted to keep an eye on. I guess I’ve narrowed my choices down to 2 now, har har. I had a dentist I liked but they aren’t on my current employer’s plan and I just cannot afford to be balance billed for every cleaning and cavity. What is the point of dental insurance when no one is on the plan?

    And on Friday I got a letter from my PCP saying she’s leaving the medical practice and I’ll have to either try to get in with one of the other doctors at the practice, who are almost completely booked up because it’s a very popular practice, or switch to a different practice. I had an appointment scheduled for early April that I really needed because my anxiety is spiraling given current events, but this letter says she’s done seeing patients at the end of March so I guess that’s off. Odds are I’m not getting in elsewhere anytime soon though, so I don’t know what to do. Call and beg for a script for anti-depressants before she leaves? Oh and I spent all last year fighting with my insurance on every single visit with my PCP because their system arbitrarily decided to incorrectly deny all my visits as not covered, and I had to pay the full cost out of pocket while waiting for insurance to reprocess those claims for MONTHS, and this office now owes me several hundred dollars I paid that are above the allowed amount. I was hoping to just let it even out with my next visit and labs, but if I’m not going back I think I need to ask them to cut ME a check too somehow.

    At least since I’m working from home indefinitely now I don’t have to blow my lunch break dealing with these things in a private location. Small rays of sunshine in a hurricane….

    1. Johanna*

      Oh wow this is a nightmare! And it’s the same reason I havent seen a dentist even though I need at the least a root canal…

      1. Gatomon*

        Oh I can’t even imagine how much a root canal would cost with balance billing!! I hope you’re able to get in with someone in network and get it fixed with less hassle than I have had. I waited almost 4 years hoping my current company would switch to a better dental plan like they kept saying they were considering, but I finally just had to go due to sensitivity issues.

        1. Llellayena*

          $900-1000. Been there, done that, more than once. The first time was during finals in my last semester of grad school…

    2. Reba*

      That is definitely too many things.

      Re: calling and begging for a script — Yes, do it! With or without a visit. Hopefully your doctor wants to help patients with the transition.

      1. Gatomon*

        That’s a good idea, she’s done that for me before. I will send a message in and see if she/her nursing team is willing to do it.

      2. blaise zamboni*

        Agreed, absolutely call and ask for a script! I had a similar situation recently where I had only seen my new PCP once before she resigned 2 months later. We didn’t talk about anything I really needed at my “new patient” visit, but I sent her messages through our portal asking for a medication I was taking previously (not prescribed by her) while I waited to see the new doc and she was fine with that.

        I’m surprised the practice didn’t automatically reassign you to a PCP. Have you called to ask who has availability? Do any of the doctors have PAs or NPs you could see for routine visits in the meantime? Though, if this place causes you a headache with your insurance, it might be better to look elsewhere.

        The dentist situation sucks and I hope you click with one of the other practices! Dental insurance is so paltry, I don’t know how it’s allowed to function the way it does.

        1. Gatomon*

          I think their other providers are mostly full, but I also have some more specific needs that they may not be comfortable continuing to treat. I don’t think they have any PAs for primary care, they’re large enough that they have the regular doctors assigned to the walk in clinic on a rotation who you can see if your regular doctor is booked out. I just sent forms out to another office in town to see if they can assign me a provider, since they specialize in working with people like me. Hopefully I’ll get good news from them, though they are much smaller.

          Paltry is a good way to put it. Why do we accept this? I don’t know.

    3. Kuododi*

      I’m not certain how to help with the dental situation. I can strongly recommend a phone call/email to the Drs office. If Dr is leaving practice, he/she must make arrangements to support patient transition to a new provider. (In most cases, that includes making you have enough meds to cover until the new Dr takes over.) Exceptions of course for medication restricted by law.

      When my internist left the practice. The admin staff contacted me to advise of the circumstances and help me connect with
      the new incoming Dr. Another thought is to call the practice and see if there is a NP or PA able to see you quickly.
      Best wishes Kuododi

      1. Gatomon*

        Oh crud I didn’t even check my meds… that’s a whole new frontier! Thanks for the reminder, I bet they all expire next month since that’s when I’ve traditionally had my annual checkups. ARGH.

        I don’t know if they will have the space to absorb me with another doctor or if they’re willing to, I have some specific needs that my doctor inherited from a previous doc who left, and I don’t think others will be willing to treat me since it’s not their specialty and I’d usually be seen by a specialist (though literally any MD can treat/prescribe, it’s just convention and familiarity). I sent forms over to the place in town that specializes in working with people like me, hopefully they’ll have a slot for me.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Ugggg. Dental insurance is a total racket. I have a $18,000 mouth (due to a combination of a physical assault and poor dental hygiene as a kid), of which dental insurance covered about $600. :(

      2. Former Employee*

        Weren’t you able to get some compensation from the Victims Fund, or whatever it’s called in your area?

  46. am I the asshole?*

    TL;DR: Is it normal to stay out all night with your friends when you are married?

    So, this may sound incredibly naive, but I didn’t grow up around healthy adult relationships and I’m genuinely unsure who is the bad person in this situation. I don’t know if it’s me, my husband, neither, or both. I’ve been debating about posting this for months and I’ll probably decide it was a bad idea as soon as I post it, so I may not respond to replies but I’ll at least read them later (please be kind!).

    For context, my husband is in his mid 20s and I’m a few years older. I don’t drink alcohol at all. I used to drink alcohol occasionally but I stopped a few years ago. I have no moral/religious objection to it and don’t care if other people do, it’s just not my thing and now I’m on medication that means I can’t. I also hate being around drunk people. When we got married my husband used to have a few drinks here and there which was fine and I used to have a drink or two at home on the weekends. When I stopped drinking he kept drinking occasionally and I didn’t care – like I said, I really don’t care if people drink. The alcohol is not the issue here. After we got married he changed jobs and a couple of his co-workers are, in his words, alcoholics. He thinks it’s cool and funny. Since working there he’s gotten very into binge drinking, but never around me. He drinks one or two drinks 3 or 4 nights a week at home and probably at least 2 nights a month goes out with friends to drink, more often in the summer.

    What bothers me is that when he is going out, he doesn’t tell me where he is going (just, to the bar), who he is going with (friends), and he never comes home. He stays out all night because he is too drunk to drive home (which good, please don’t drive) and I have no idea where he spends his nights. He just says he crashes on someone’s couch. Yesterday he texted me from work and told me that after work he was going to hang out at a co-worker’s house after work and would be home later than normal and not to wait for him to get home to eat dinner. He never came home, never texted me to say he was spending the night, nothing. It wouldn’t bother me so much either if I knew his friends and hung out with them socially, but he refuses to allow me to do anything socially with his friends. I’ve met one or two in passing, but never hung out with them. I think it’s partly because almost everything they do revolves around alcohol and I don’t drink, but I also think that he is embarrassed by me because I don’t fit into his new image that he wants to portray.

    I feel like this staying out all night is not a normal thing to do, but he just laughs at me. And I go back and forth between thinking I’m this crazy wife for being like “no, you can’t go hang out with your friends a few nights a month, you need to report your whereabouts to me at all times so I know where you are and can control your life” and thinking “my god you are so naive for letting him do this and not asking a heck of a lot more questions about his whereabouts” because I don’t ever bother to ask him where he’s been. At this point, I don’t have the emotional energy to care.

    Obviously there are other problems in our relationship simply by the fact that when I try to talk to him about this he blows me off (although maybe he’s blowing me off because I’m being so ridiculous). But like I said, I have no context for what a healthy, normal relationship is. I’m very isolated right now, I don’t have any friends of my own to talk to (further skewing my perspective because I’m lonely as hell) and I don’t have any family around or that I trust in general.

    Please tell me, am I being the overbearing wife or is something not right here? I don’t know how normal relationships work. Is it common for people to go hang out with their friends and just crash on people’s couches when the night gets late or they’ve had too much to drink? I don’t know whether I need to fix my expectations or what.

    1. Lena Clare*

      No, this is not healthy, and it sounds like he’s driving you crazy by minimising your concerns.

      Have you heard of attachment theory? People, according to the bonds they formed in their childhood to their primary care giver, are either secure or insecure in their relationships.
      Insecure bonds can be avoidant or anxious. (There’s also another one as a result of continued abuse).

      Anxious and avoidant kind of form a push-pull relationship together and make each other unhappy.

      Maybe that’s what’s going on here, maybe it isn’t.
      You could read “Attached: The New Science…” to understand more.
      I’d also recommend therapy, either on your own or with your husband.
      Captain Awkward is a great source of advice also.

      But things aren’t right as they are, and you’re unhappy.

    2. university minion*

      You’re not unreasonable and his behavior is not that of a partner who cares about his spouse. Crashing on someone’s couch when you’ve had too much to drink is something that happens once in a while (long while), not a planned occurrence. Being actively excluded is also not normal. It would be a bit different if you had a standing invitation to come along and you chose not to.
      Have you thought about a counselor (for you, first, and perhaps as a couple)? A counselor can help you better discern what you need in a relationship, what you’d like one to look like, and if the relationship you’re in is worth staying in.
      Hugs from this internet stranger if you want them.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Everything that university minion said.

        I’m also concerned he might be having an affair.

        At any rate, the whole binge drinking is very worrying.

        1. tangerineRose*

          And if he’s too drunk to drive, could he at least call you so you won’t worry? (Glad he isn’t driving drunk.)

          1. university minion*

            This! When I was in an LTR and still drank (One wasn’t related to the other in this case.), the couple of times I inadvertently overdid it, I always called then-BF to tell him I was staying at mutual-friends-we-both-knew’s house for the night. Even drunk-me could be that considerate.

          2. Filosofickle*

            There are a bunch of flags in the story, but to me this is the bright red one. Not calling or texting to let your partner know you’re not coming home is not okay! In his mind, he might see this as previously arranged — meaning, when he goes out, she should know he’s not coming home — but it is super inconsiderate.

            1. Fikly*

              I, too, am flagging on the complete lack of communication. That to me is the most concerning thing.

    3. JDC*

      My husband would not dare not come home. Nor not tell me where he is going or who with. Heck no.

      1. MOAS*

        I used to drink heavily with work friends but I would never imagine pulling that. The one time I was out all night was for a party planned weeks in advance and spouse was well aware of it.

        I’m more concerned about the refusing to introduce you to his friends.

        1. Jdc*

          Ya that’s weird to me. My husband always invites me. He plays pool on a league which after hundreds of hours watching i just can’t muster the desire to go as it’s boring for me, but I’ve been, met everyone and he always actually wants me to go.

    4. WellRed*

      It’s not normal to not come home, he’s obviously got a drinking problem and frankly, I’d be wondering what else he’s doing if he’s not coming home. At the least, can you talk with a counselor? Might also need to consult an attorney.

    5. Reba*

      We can’t say whether your spouse is up to no good or whatever, but they are at the very least hella inconsiderate. This is not about you trying to clamp down on their social life, but about having some basic communication. It is normal to tell your SO your basic whereabouts so they can know not to worry about you, when to expect you, what you are doing so they can ask you how it went, etc.

      You are NOT being ridiculous, but I agree with you that this seems to be but one point of contention in an unhealthy relationship landscape. The alcohol factor may be a red herring here.

      This is one of those things where like JDC it’s almost hard for me to imagine how this works in a marriage… I’m sorry, I don’t mean that to sound mean or obtuse, but I’m just thinking… shouldn’t your partner WANT you to not be worried about them? Shouldn’t your partner want you to be a part of his life (understanding it’s healthy for people to do things independently too).

      I will hazard a guess that your partner has used a phrase like “it’s not a big deal” somewhere in this conversation. You might try responding that if it’s really not a big deal, why can’t he just tell you something?

      Sorry you’re feeling lonely on top of everything else.

      1. Julia*

        This. I am much more social than my husband and often stay out late when I go out with friends (which is a few times a month, and late means “last train”, so midnight-ish), but I tell him where I’m going and with whom, and ask if it’s okay if I come back late in case he has to get up early or something. I have sometimes invited him to come when it’s approrpriate (not when it’s me and one female friend and we would talk about personal stuff), but he usually declines and says have fun.

        This works for us, because we are both okay with it and communicate. Your husband a) doesn’t consider your wishes and b) fails to communicate. You are not the asshole! However I’m not sure how to get him to listen to you…

      2. Avasarala*

        “Shouldn’t your partner WANT you to not be worried about them?” This.

        Even if your expectations were way outside of average social norms (which they’re not), your husband’s job as your spouse and partner is to make you happy, to reassure and support you, to make your life easier and happier, to care about you first and then think of himself (or whatever you put in your vows).

        When you say, “This bothers me”, and he says, essentially, “It shouldn’t”, that is Not Okay.

        I highly recommend counseling for yourself and for your marriage.

    6. Anon5775*

      I think some marriages might operate this way, but I think they would have had to agree to this lifestyle ahead of time for it to work. I don’t think it’s working for you right now. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, I was going to say, if you and your partner agree ahead of time that you’re going to go out with your crazy pal Sam once a month and get blitzed and then crash at Sam’s place which is closer to the bar… swell. You do you. But this is NOT THAT.

    7. Misty*

      That’s not normal.

      For instance, if you live with someone (even if you’re not married) it’s generally polite to let them know when you will be home if you’re going to be home extra late or not at all. This is especially true if you’re living with someone you’re dating in my experience. I would assume it’s even more true if you’re married. (I’ve never been married)

      I feel like he’s not taking into account your feelings about the matter if he just blows you off when you try to talk to him about it or if he laughs at you.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      No, not healthy. And you didn’t get married so you could live alone.
      And you are not overbearing, you are normal. He is… well… he is not being a husband to you.

      Caring spouses do not tell each other they are being ridiculous. It’s fine to say that a concern is off-base and explain why in a polite, conversational tone. It’s not fine to tell a person they are ridiculous and walk out of the conversation.

      I am like you. I don’t drink because it just isn’t something for me, my body does not cope with it. Additionally, I grew up around non-sober people. My elders drank and my peer group had plenty of drugs. I promised myself that my adulthood would look very different. I wanted to be around people who were doing things other than alternate reality stuff. Fortunately, I married a man who felt the same.

      I’d suggest counseling or a support group to help you sort this. We can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves and whatever that means to you. I’d pack my bags and be out of there. But I am not you, so that is not saying too much. You have to do what you think is right for you. I’d start by seeking professional help for myself if I were in your shoes. Don’t try to walk through this alone.

      In terms of validation, I agree with you 200%. This is not healthy, this is not normal.

    9. Anonnington*

      Not healthy at all. He’s acting like he’s trying to hide something. And like he isn’t invested in the relationship. I hope you can find some kind of social support to get through this. It sounds tough.

    10. Catherine*

      In my previous relationships it was normal for me to crash with friends as a planned occurrence (though not usually for drinking reasons) a couple times a month, but I always notified my partner, usually a couple days in advance.

      That said, the way he’s dismissing your concerns strikes me as disrespectful. It’s not controlling to want to know when your partner plans to stay out.

    11. Panthera uncia*

      I can’t address the entirety of what you posted, but I can say that my husband regularly stays over at someone’s house. He has abnormally poor night vision (due to being colorblind) and doesn’t trust himself to drive safely in the pitch dark. I know that when he’s going out past a certain time, he won’t be coming home until the morning. He drives to the friend’s house, parks on their property, and the friend drives to the event. Then he calls me once he’s back at the person’s house, to let me know that he’s safe and inside for the night.

      To be brutally honest, my husband basically raised himself, and getting us to this point was incredibly difficult. He was not used to being expected to account for his whereabouts to anyone, and he used to say that I was “much worse than his parents” about keeping track of him. It was completely foreign to him that someone would worry about his well-being and need reassurance that he was okay, so he interpreted my requests as being controlling. It took us years to finally see where each other was coming from.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        I’m one of those ‘stray cat’ sort of people as well, and I do just sorta drop off the map occasionally if left to my own devices. When I left to study abroad I didn’t check my email for a few days and ended up with several ‘WHY HAVEN”T YOU CHECKED IN’ emails from my parents, which led to this chat:

        Me: “Why would I check in?”

        Mom: “Just to tell us you arrived alright?”

        Me: “If the plane had crashed it’d have been on the news and anyways, you and dad are registered as my emergency contacts so if something happened, you’d have been contacted. What more do you need to hear from me?”

        But even I figured out that when you live with someone, they don’t appreciate you disappearing on them. It’s not that difficult to comprehend that if someone is going to be part of your life, you need to make room for them in your life – which includes shit like giving them the heads-up whenever you feel the need to go walkabout.

        Also, you don’t mock or diminish your partner’s feelings. If they’re mentally ill and have anxiety or something, it’s reasonable to be like “you need to be able to self-soothe and not blow up my phone if I go out with a friend,” but you still don’t belittle them the way your husband’s doing to you, OP.

    12. Dan*

      When you first posed the question, “Is this normal?” Without reading beyond that, my inclination was to say “it doesn’t matter what’s ‘normal’, what works for you guys works for you guys.”

      Except this isn’t working for you guys.

      You got big problems here, and focusing on the particulars is almost a distraction. This is going to be a long haul, and you need to decide if you’re up for it, or not.

      Either way is ok. I was married to some version of that, decided I wasn’t up for the long haul, and peaced out. I have *zero* regrets about up and bailing.

      It may take you awhile to figure out what you want to do. But IMHO, you are unequivocally in divorce territory here if that’s how you feel, and I wouldn’t fault you for pursuing that. You certainly aren’t in “nagging micromanaging no fun wife territory.”

    13. VanillaPudding*

      I think it is quite normal for people who have a partner and who are in their twenties to spend nights apart. It is in my friend group (in Europe, and we are in our late 30s). But from what you describe it sounds like you are not being taken serious and there might be other instances where kindness and listening to your concerns are lacking on the part of your husband.

    14. smoke tree*

      Obviously I don’t have all the facts here, but based on this account, it sounds like your husband isn’t being honest with you. He’s being evasive about his whereabouts and he’s making you feel irrational because you’re justifiably concerned about him. He’s distancing you from his friends. (Is there anyone else he’s distancing you from?) He’s behaving in a hurtful way but implying that you’re irrational for being hurt by it. If I were you, I would be disinclined to take anything he says at face value.

      I don’t think the drinking or the staying out at night is necessarily the crux of the issue–it’s the fact that he’s withholding information and doesn’t seem to care about your feelings or concerns.

      1. valentine*

        smoke tree is spot-on!

        He’s exceedingly disrespectful to and taking advantage of you. He’s acting like a teenager who thinks he shouldn’t have to follow the house rules. He would have to show more respect at a motel. He should want to tell you who his friends are because he likes you and wants to share. He should also want to share some of them. While I would understand not wanting to mix the streams 100%, the opposite extreme is bad news. This is all kinds of wrong. He’s deliberately distancing himself from you, and using alcohol to do it. I suppose it could be anything, like bowling, but bowling isn’t a common reason not to drive/go home.

        Where is the sharing and caring and looking forward to seeing and to spending time with each other? Where are your shared values and goals?

        Consult a divorce lawyer, just so you know what your rights and responsibilities are there. Find a therapist. Make friends. You need other, non-husband baskets.

    15. Parenthetically*

      Problem 1: He thinks his alcoholic coworkers are cool.
      Problem 2: He’s started binge drinking.
      Problem 3: “I have no idea where he spends his nights.” THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
      Problem 4: “he refuses to allow me to do anything socially with his friends” Let me take a sec and spell out the problems here. ANYTHING in a relationship that starts with one partner “refusing to allow” another partner to do something is a major red flag. Relationships should have a foundation of mutual respect and communication, not one partner permitting or refusing permission. That’s not equality. Then the fact that the thing he’s forbidding is you getting to know his friends? Another huge red flag.
      Problem 5: “he just laughs at me” and “when I try to talk to him about this he blows me off” Hi, yes, this is gaslighting. You’re genuinely concerned about genuine issues (binge drinking, staying out all night, refusing to let you hang out with his friends, refusing to communicate to you) and he has you convinced the real problem is that you’re a controlling wife? That’s some sexist-ass bullshit.

      For you: counseling, if it’s accessible to you, or whatever resources you can find about gaslighting, respectful relationships, etc., if counseling isn’t accessible to you. I’d recommend the Gottman Institute website as a great place to start — search there for stuff about the Four Horsemen, gaslighting, and what healthy communication looks like in relationships. Listen to your instincts.

    16. Jellyfish*

      You’ve gotten a lot of answers, but I’ll add one more. My husband is like you in that he has no interest in drinking and doesn’t particularly enjoy being around drunk people.

      I do drink. For a while, a good friend of ours and I would go for drinks about once a month and stay out until the bar closed. We’d get an Uber back to Friend’s place at 2:00am, and depending on how drunk I was, I’d sometimes crash on his couch.

      Here’s the thing though. My husband knew in advance when those nights were scheduled, we always went to the same bar, I’d text him when I was safely back at Friend’s house, and I’d text him when I was headed home in the morning. If at any time my husband had expressed discomfort with all this or asked me to rein things in, I would have stopped. Immediately, no questions asked.

      Unfortunately, your husband is acting like a selfish jerk. It’s not the drinking or even the staying out; it’s the sudden behavioral change, his refusal to involve you, and the dismissal of your very valid concerns. I’m so sorry :(

    17. Tangerina Warbleworth*

      Here’s your context of a healthy relationship: while the people in it may have differences, they each respect the other enough that they actively build trust. Does he respect you enough that you trust him?

      I’m so sorry. This sucks. But you are not stupid, and you’ve done nothing wrong. You are plenty strong enough to face the music and decide whether he’s worth the effort of counseling, or if your energy is better spent on building a different life for yourself.

    18. Person from the Resume*

      This is not normal for a couple in a relationship. You are right about that.

    19. Former Employee*

      No one in their mid twenties should be acting as if they want to be an alcoholic when they grow up.

      So, no, this is not normal.

    20. NewCEO*

      No, this isn’t “normal” or healthy. If he were young, single and carefree, I understand the need for crashing on a friend’s couch — occasionally. But he’s not. And the fact that he doesn’t tell you where he is or if he’s safe? That’s even more abnormal.

      I’m two years sober and my husband drinks rarely. I want him to get out of the house more often and hang out with his friends. Whenever he does do that, he and his buddies tend to go overboard and there will be shots! shots! shots! But that happens MAYBE once a year — and he always tells me where he is. It’s not about being an overbearing wife; it’s about knowing your spouse is safe. It’s just common courtesy, too!

      For a married man (or woman) to not come home after a night out — and not just once several times a month! — that’s just not the norm. Aren’t there ride-sharing services he could use?

      I hate to say this, but someone else pointed this out: He could also be having an affair. Why else be so secretive about his whereabouts?

    21. Akcipitrokulo*

      Staying overnight with friends… not a big deal imo.

      Blowing off your concerns is more of an issue.

    22. GingerSheep*

      Your story sounds exactly like my best friends relationship to his wife. Two or three times a month, he’d get thouroughly wasted with his mates and not come home all night, and not respond to his wife’s increasingly concerned text messages. I told him over and over he was being an asshole to his wife ; he always answered this was how they functionned and that it worked for them, which was obviously not the case. He was definitely not having an affair, I can vouch for him – but his wife, feeling lonely, abandoned and despised by her husband, ended up having one. It nearly broke up their marriage. They went through a lot of counseling, he finally got to accept that his behavior had contributed a lot to his wife’s unfaithfullness, and cleaned up his act. It’s been five years now, and they are still together, but I know something has been broken between them and am not very confident on them sticking it out much longer.

    23. Akcipitrokulo*

      I am going against flow with basic answer to your tl:dr…

      “TL;DR: Is it normal to stay out all night with your friends when you are married?”

      Yes.

      Totally normal.

      Completely healthy.

      What isn’t healthy is the rest of it. Not giving details at time? Yes and no. If not hiding things, a casual “going to pub” is fine. But you’d expect it to come up in conversation, or to say who you crashed with. And my other half would let me know what was going on and where he was. Not giving a quick call to say “heya… drank too much, crashing on John’s couch” is disrespectful, and not telling you after and maming you bad guy for wanting to know is red flag territory.

      It’s about trust, respect and honesty.

      1. Jacqui*

        yep I was going to say the same – you are quite young and at that age I wasn’t married but was in a live in relationship, and going out separately, getting drunk, crashing at a friends was not rare for either of us!
        But neither of us thought it was a problem, we called/messaged if plans changed and were happy to invite the other or change plans if the other requested. What works in a marriage is what works for the 2 people in it, whats ‘normal’ is irrelevant!
        I will say that for some people, being married means ‘growing up’ ‘being responsible’ and generally living differently than you might at the same age otherwise. Many people wait until they are older to marry partly for this reason, but I don’t necessarily think marriage has to mean that, if you agree that for your relationship its about being together through each life stage and growing/changing together – usually needs a lot of tolerance and trust. But both partners have to be happy with that and listen/adjust if the other isn’t.
        That is what is missing here – regard for you and your happiness and health of the partnership. Plus, you need other social contacts outside your relationship – your partner can’t be your everything, it is too many eggs in one basket even in a healthy relationship!

    24. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      Going out while married is not unheard of, but that’s not the issue with your husband. He’s unavailable and uncommunicative, which should not be the case in a healthy relationship.

  47. Lost in the Woods*

    How are crafting projects going for people?

    Never sew late at night. Just had to unpick fifteen inches of tiny stitches on a skirt panel because I accidentally sewed up my zipper space last night. On the upside, my first hank of handspun yarn is complete and I’m thrilled; spinning is super fun!

    1. Coco*

      I bought a wood burning kit this week so will try that this weekend. Gave people etched glass things last year as gifts so maybe wood burned things will be my crafty gift this year.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Two Star Wars samplers cross stitched, and I’m starting on a collection of six tiny pieces that are different ships. Not sure how I’m going to put them together yet, maybe a wall hanging or maybe just frame them together in a six-opening mat. (Each one is like 2.5” square.)

    3. frystavirki*

      I finally finished sewing a second dress for my tiny doll. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be a skirt or a dress, but I’m terrible at judging sizes so my 4-inch doll is swimming in it a little. It still turned out nice, though.

    4. Reba*

      Going to cut out a new pattern today! I have some old bedsheets saved to do a muslin with and hopefully I’ll make some progress today and tomorrow. I’m making some adjustments/combining aspects of different views of the pattern so trying to be slow and thorough (which is not usually my style).

    5. Jessen*

      I managed to get stocked up a bit before the current crisis hit! I’ve got wood glue drying on my ballet practice space. Got plans to make a tulle bustle but the fabric isn’t due to arrive til next week, so at this point who knows. Also working on a plague mask with cardboard and packing material and spare paint, because I’m silly.

      Actually, I’ve got a bunch of stuff going here, come to think of it. Also got some leather paint so I’m going to try to paint up a pair of cheap pseudo-leather boots. Nothing fancy, just turning mid shade brown boots into black ones. The boots were a donation after the apartment fire, which was nice because I at least got something that would keep my feet dry, so I figured I’d try a bit of upcycling on them.

      1. Jessen*

        I seem to currently be having some issues with Spook wanting to “help” though. I really do not want to have to clean any of this stuff off of the cat.

    6. Anonyme*

      Working on knitting the shifty sweater. Also made a serious late night error and spent about 2 hours fixing it today.

      Goal for the day is separate the sleeves.

    7. Claritza*

      The rule I developed as a teenaged sewer is “Never sew after 9pm!” based on experiences like yours! Congrats on the yarn!

      2. AGD*

        Haha! My grandmother used to say, “Never knit when you’re tired.” I have rediscovered this, and how it also applies to sewing.

    8. Coco*

      Also I saw in the Washington Post a suggestion to help out by sewing face masks. Might try doing that this weekend.

      1. wingmaster*

        I am also planning to sew face masks this weekend too. I have so much fabric, so this would be perfect.

      2. Llellayena*

        Buried in the corona thread I started a thread on masks. There are some links and info there. Also, Joann Fabrics website has a bunch of info (but don’t trust their claim that they are collecting the masks for distribution).

    9. HannahS*

      I’m currently sewing my wedding dress, and need to wait for my order of steel boning, caps, and cotton casing to be ready at my local shop (which is taking online orders with no-contact delivery). I’m on my fourth bodice mock-up and I THINK it’s good now, but I still need to tackle the fit of the sleeve and lace overlay…thank goodness I elected for a circle skirt–only needs to fit at the waist!

    10. Not A Manager*

      I finished my needlepoint and am blocking it, but I think it might have shrunk horizontally, or maybe I mis-measured that border (seems unlikely, as I measured a million times). I’m going to see if my pillow insert will fit anyway or if I need to add a few rows on the sides.

      Deciding whether to wait for my new sewing machine to arrive before assembling the pillow, or just do it by hand as I’d originally intended.

      I’m also trying to decide on my next project. If it’s true that hospitals need washable cloth face masks, then I’m going to make those. (Hence the sewing machine.) If that’s not true, then I think I’m going to crochet an afghan.

  49. Kuododi*

    Last week I promised the recipe for Syrup Teacakes. ( My personal family recipe.) Here we go!!!

    Ingredients list
    3/4 cup Syrup. ( Sorghum, Molasses, Honey, or other similar syrup)
    1egg
    1/2 cup Crisco
    1 Tbsp Baking powder
    2 1/4 cup flour

    * Blend all liquid ingredients including Crisco.
    *Add baking powder and flour to the liquid ingredients and blend
    *Cover cookie sheet with parchment paper. Take a lightly greased Tbsp to place dough on cookie sheet. Take a fork to gently press cookie dough ball until somewhat flat
    *Bake in oven at 375 degrees for 10-12 minutes.

    Enjoy Kuododi

      2. Kuododi*

        I’m actually not sure about the butter question. I’ll have to talk with my Dad and clarify.

        1. Kuododi*

          Talked with Daddy and according to him, butter should be fine. Make sure you are using real 100% butter as opposed to any of the chemistry experiments pretending to be butter.

          Best regards Kuododi

      1. Colleen*

        I am making some using coconut oil and date molasses. The batter tastes heavenly, so I know the teacakes will, as well. Thanks!

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          I have plenty of molasses. I will definitely give these a try this week. If I remember, I’ll report back next Saturday.

    3. DistantAudacity*

      …for the global audience: what IS Crisco? (It kinda looks like a US brand name)

      2. Kuododi*

        It’s the brand name for 100% vegetable shortening. Vegetable shortening or Lard (from animals) are both staple ingredients for “southern recipes.” Personally I have no experience using lard in my cooking/baking. Hope this helps. Kuododi

    4. willow for now*

      Is everyone aware that Peeps now come in “pancake with syrup” flavor? They are incredible.
      Thought you ought to know.

  50. frystavirki*

    This last Monday I lost my dog, who was 14 and a half, pretty suddenly. Like, she was old and slept a lot, but all of a sudden she wouldn’t eat anything, we took her to the vet, and immediately we found out her kidneys had failed and there was nothing we could do. It was really jarring and terrible. I recently had a minor surgery (I’ve commented before about my issues with the dermatologist’s phone system not telling me my biopsy results for two months, and the mole was atypical so we decided to excise it) and my mom had a major surgery that same day (she broke her arm last May and it hadn’t healed at all) so she couldn’t even say goodbye. It’s been a super stressful week and I don’t have school to distract myself with much currently. Do any of you have good distraction ideas? It’s getting better, but I can’t let myself not actively read or watch something for more than a few minutes. I’ll post a picture of her in a separate comment.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am so sorry. RIP Beautiful Girl.

        Can you take a walk? Walking is really good for processing grief. It works on several levels, it forces us to reconnect with current surroundings, it helps to channel and process extra energy (nerves) and it helps to clear out our minds so we can think.

      3. tangerineRose*

        Such a cute dog! I’m sorry for your loss.

        What kind of things do you like? A lot of zoos are doing a lot of videos for people who are sheltering in place, there are enrichment videos and stuff like that on Facebook.

    2. Anon5775*

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this. I’m working from home for the next 2 weeks so something I’m planning on doing if I get stir crazy is reading through old greeting cards I’ve received in the mail. I may also tackle a time consuming craft project, do some vacuuming so I’m moving around a bit and maybe even make some homemade crossword puzzles to send to family members who are also self isolating. I make them personalized so it takes me a while to get words with letters in common, etc. and then they get to spend some time filling them out.

    4. Vincaminor*

      I’m so sorry for your loss — what a beautiful sweet girl.
      Second the suggestion of walking if you can. Did you have favorite routes for dog walks? Remember the good times.
      Jedi hugs to you.

    5. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      I am so sorry for your loss. Lovely dog. Furfamily takes a bit of your soul. I hope the pain fades and happy memories soothe you.

  51. Jedi Squirrel*

    Red lentils!!!

    I went to Walmart this morning and the only dried legume they had was red lentils. Which I love. I bought a couple of pounds to make soup with. Here’s the recipe I came up with:

    2 medium onions, chopped fine
    2 Tbs oil
    1 tsp ground cumin
    1/4 tsp allspice
    4 cups chicken or vegetable stock/broth
    1 cup red lentils, picked over and rinsed
    1/2 tsp granulated garlic
    salt and pepper to taste
    Balsamic vinegar

    Saute the onions in the oil until they are reduced and caramelized. The more they cook down, the better. (Brown = amazing!) This will take a while depending on how high a temperature you use and how much you want to stir. (I was busy doing other things, so I kept the heat on the low side of medium and gave them a stir every once in a while. This step took about 40 minutes.)

    Add the cumin and allspice, and cook for a minute or two until they are fragrant. Add the garlic, lentils, and stock/broth. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer until the onions are tender. Pour into a blender or use an immersion blender to puree. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve, and swirl a dash of balsamic vinegar into the top of each bowl.

    I’m pretty sure lemon juice would work just as well or better than the balsamic vinegar. I only used balsamic because it was right there next to the stove. Also, I used granulated garlic because I was too lazy to crush some fresh garlic. In place of the balsamic vinegar, you could add a dash of a vinegar-based hot sauce (think Frank’s in the United States) and serve it with a dollop of sour cream.

    Also, if you have a bunch of onions that are starting to sprout in the pantry, you can cook them as above until they are well caramelized, add a generous amount of butter, and then store them in the freezer. Doing so would cut the cooking time of this recipe by 60-70%.

    Vegetable stock/broth makes this vegan. You could also just use plain water, and add a bit more garlic, cumin, and allspice. Also, I have no idea what the difference is between stock and broth.

    1. DistantAudacity*

      Looks great!

      And not too different to a (presumably) westernized and speeded up dhal* recipe I tried a few weeks ago. Main flavour difference would be to ditch the cumin, all spice and vinegar, and use korma paste instead.

      *Indian lentil soup/stew – highly recommend!

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I found a Food & Wine 2015 Cookbook at the dollar store and this recipe was in it, but they did not have nearly enough onions, nor did they cook them long enough, nor did they have the dash of balsamic.

        I will definitely try this again with korma paste. Turns out I have five+ pounds of red lentils on hand, so it is time to experiment. Thanks for the tip!

        1. DistantAudacity*

          Good luck! Instead of vinegar, there was also, I think, ginger, and likely lemon juice. So something for the acud balance.

    2. nep*

      Jimmy Kimmel advises us in one of his online ‘shows’ to remember the goodness of lentils. (‘These actually expired in 2018. But guess what? I’m gonna eat ’em anyway.’)
      (His ‘Formal Friday’ is hilarious.)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        “I would not say no to a nice lentil soup.”
        Long ago there was a story with this phrase in it on the radio and we’ve wanted to track it down. If I recall correctly, someone was under surveillance for something he had not done, and he became very friendly with the people watching his apartment. But we were driving, and we lost signal…

  52. Panthera uncia*

    Can any custom crafting veterans offer advice?

    A friend just got engaged, and I want to get her a wooden photo frame with a specific phrase carved into it. Searching Etsy for the kind of skill I’m looking for has been an experience in Dadaism. I can easily find a carved pen1s with legs (WTF?) and your typical “live laugh love” nonsense, but the current trend seems very “barn chic” and I want something more formal. Most of the wood looks really gray and rough, whereas I’m looking for something more like furniture–darker wood, glossy finish, etc.

    Any tips on alternate shopping sites, or even just how to phrase what I want, would be appreciated.

    2. Jessen*

      If you look at etsy too sometimes you can find people who do custom work. If the artist is doing their own message them and ask if they’d be willing to do a custom piece and ask how much maybe?

    3. Eng*

      I have friends who have ordered from Personalization Mall online and been reasonably pleased with the quality.

    4. Red Sky*

      Depending on what you mean by “carved”, you might try googling “laser engraved wood frame” or some variation thereof.

    5. HBJ*

      Find someone in person!

      It is kind of the wrong time of year, but go to a craft fair/bazaar/First Friday if you can and ask around. (Lol, if they’re not all canceled!) Contact a local frame shop and see if they can recommend anyone who can do carving or engraving. Or contact any local carvers you can find online.

    6. Dog Fosterer*

      I don’t know if this is at all an option, but I find that there is usually at least one good woodworker at every local market I visit. I realize that there are no local markets right now, but you might want to look for local woodworkers (maybe search ‘wood sign maker’).

      The website background on this site makes me cringe, but this seems to be what you have in mind? You might want something totally different in design, but this company seems willing to do anything you want, and some of the signs look quite professional.
      http://www.cncsignmaker.com/signs.html

    7. Patty Mayonnaise*

      This is definitely on the non-handcrafted side of things, but you might find what you’re looking for on Personalized Creations. I’ve ordered a few things from them and have been pleased with the quality.

    8. Little Beans*

      Yes, ask people for a custom job, either on Etsy or a local wood engraving shop. When I wanted a personalized wood engraved item for my sister’s wedding, I contacted a local shop that did a lot of work with beach driftwood and explained that I wanted something more woodsy like redwood. They dug up a few pieces of wood and sent me pictures so that I could get exactly what I wanted!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. That was meant for Panthera, above here. (I will eventually learn how to post a reply….)

  54. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    I don’t know whether I want to hug or punch my family!

    I have a sort of second family in my friend’s family. And my friend is healthcare adjacent, her husband is in residency, she has a one year old…

    And she told me today that her mom is coming out of retirement (she was an internist) to help this current epidemic. They live in Los Angeles where it is bad, and my “mom” is nearly 60.

    I just can’t stand the thought of losing effectively my sister, my mom, my brother in law, and maybe the baby in one fell swoop in this crisis.

    1. Panthera uncia*

      Two retired nurses I know have been asked to return. Hospitals are desperate for help.

    2. Fulana del Tal*

      That’s a strange reaction to a selfless act. Everyone is asking retired nurses and doctors to come back and help. Also nearly sixty is not elderly.

      1. Jessen*

        It makes sense to me. On the grander scale, sure, you can see that it’s a selfless act and it’s the right thing to do. But that doesn’t negate that you want your loved ones to be safe. And it’s scary to see them doing things that are risky even if it’s for a good cause.

    3. Book Lover*

      I think you may be catastrophizing a bit? This situation is a catastrophe, but the likelihood of the whole family you know, including the baby, dying is rather small (you might look at mortality rates for under 18 if that helps). And we don’t go into healthcare to sit aside while people are suffering. It is literally our calling to step up when needed.

      1. Book Lover*

        And sorry, I missed my point, which is that catastrophizing never helped anyone. So breathe, stay isolated, stay positive as much as possible, because that is what you can do to help.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Not really consoling but I will be 60 this year also. If I were a retired health care professional I would go. I’d rather me go than someone who is younger with a young family. I think about stuff like this.

      But it hits other people hard. My friend donated a kidney. Spouse of friend objected strenuously. “I don’t want to lose you!”

      Because your bonus family are all in health care they will tend to watch out for each other in ways that lay people like us are not aware of. But I think it’s pretty normal to have thoughts of how their generosity may impact our lives.

    5. Blueberry*

      That’s a horrible thought to have to wrestle with. My heart goes out to you.

      But do rememeber that the odds are in your chosen family’s favor, even the oldest member. I can’t promise you they’ll all be safe, but the odds are on all of them making it through. They sound like wonderful people and I’m cheering for them, and hoping for you.

    6. ..Kat..*

      Hope this helps: we health care workers (I am a nurse) have excellent training and experience in infection control. We are very good at doing what is necessary to prevent ourselves from becoming infected by our patients. I am typing this after a long day in my pediatric ICU taking care of children with infectious diseases.

    7. Not A Manager*

      “I just can’t stand the thought of losing effectively my sister, my mom, my brother in law, and maybe the baby in one fell swoop in this crisis.”

      Of course you can’t stand that thought. What a terrible thing to contemplate. And you’re right – it’s not impossible that that would happen. Of course you know it’s not likely, of course you know all the reassuring things people have said on here – but there’s always that chance, and that’s a terrible, terrible thing.

      For myself (as you can maybe tell from the preceding paragraph), what helps me sometimes is to lean IN to how I’m feeling rather than pulling away. Yes, what you fear could happen. Yes, it would be terrible if it did. But… but that’s part of being human. But part of why you love your chosen family is exactly this selflessness and care for others that they are displaying now. But while you might wish they would make other choices (or maybe you don’t really wish that), you also know that they are autonomous adults and all you can do is honor what they choose for themselves.

      For me, this kind of reasoning can be somewhat comforting. Life is full of tragedy. What tempers it is our relationships and our love for each other. And you can’t have that love without also feeling that pain.

      I am very sympathetic to you. I know you will be supportive to your loved ones no matter what risks they choose to incur. I think you’re allowed to privately wish that they would not take those risks.

  55. Avery*

    Does anyone have thoughts on the Apple Watch (Series 5)? I’ve been thinking of getting one. Is it worth it? Useful in daily life?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Kind of a tough question to answer, honestly. I have had an Apple Watch since the first gen was released, currently have a Series 5, and it’s the first thing I put on in the morning and the last thing I take off at night. I like being able to leave my phone on the table by my chair and curate my immediate notifications no matter what I’m doing – for example, emails to mailbox A send notifications to the watch, emails to mailbox B don’t. Texts do, Facebook messages don’t. My Shipt app does, most of my other phone apps don’t. And I can glance at those notifications to see if anything is urgent, without digging out my phone. (The watch will connect to any wifi network your phone knows and get notifications that way.)

      I can set timers and alarms on the watch, I can use it to add to my water tracker and to tick items off my to-do list, I get a heads-up of the next scheduled thing on my calendar and an approximate snapshot of the weather outside. It reminds me to stand up and move around at least once an hour. If I want it to, it reminds me to take a minute and do some quiet deep breathing. I can sync up to a gig of music to it, hook my bluetooth headphones to it, and have music while I’m mowing the lawn or gardening in the summer without having to carry my phone with me. I have a smart front door lock and a smart garage door opener – I can check status and lock/unlock/open/close either of them from my watch. (I don’t actually have a house key that I regularly carry with me anymore – even if the power goes out, the garage door has a battery backup.) At places that take Apple Pay, I can use it to pay without having to get my wallet out or hand my credit card over to someone else. (Very nice during flu season, not gonna lie.)

      So it depends on whether any of that is useful to you. :) I will say that for most people, the difference between the Series 3 and the Series 5 is fairly negligible, and the price difference is pretty significant, so you might consider a 3 as well, if you’re having concerns about expense. (I got my 5 at a discount because my brother-in-law works for Apple.)

      1. Avery*

        That’s really helpful, thanks! And I’m in the same position as you, a family member works for Apple, so I could get a 5 at a discount.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I also haven’t taken my phone off mute in like seven years. :) (I had a Pebble before the Apple Watch was released.)

    2. Book Lover*

      I love mine! It is totally useless most of the time :). It is helpful if you tend toward palpitations or even heart arrhythmia and might be reassured or alternatively alarmed depending on what it tells you. Another useful thing is that it has asked my mother and also patients of mine if they needed help when they fell.
      For me, I never notice my phone calls without it so it does help when people call me.

    3. Not a cat*

      My thought is to take that $ and donate it to a homeless shelter or other service organization, especially now.

  56. Lovecraft Beauty*

    Adulting question: my kitchen sink is draining very very slowly. I’ve run the disposal a few times and it hasn’t helped. I thought you aren’t supposed to put chemical drain solutions down disposals, and obviously I can’t get a plumber right now. How do I get a functioning kitchen sink?

    1. Nicole76*

      Maybe there’s stuff caught in there? Have you tried putting some ice in the disposal?

        1. Sunflower Sea Star*

          It’s hard, but not so hard it will break your disposal, and grinding something solid might help dislodge something that a liquid can’t.

          1. valentine*

            If you have an S-shaped tool (maybe 4″ long) with 90º angles, stick it in the designated space on the underside of the disposal and move it sideways a few times.

    2. Ms Darcy*

      RSAndrews.com has some helpful suggestions on their website. Definitely unplug the disposal before you do anything!!

    3. Lena Clare*

      Chuck some baking soda (bicarb) down there, then pour white vinegar down after it.
      Leave it to foam up and disappear then pour several kettles’ worth of boiling water down it to flush it. Try lifting the kettle a bit higher when you’re pouring (but be careful not to scald yourself).

    5. Natalie*

      You might have something that slipped past the disposal and is blocking the U bend. If you have PVC pipes it’s not that hard to unscrew the U bend yourself – they’re hand tightened as tools would crack the pipes. Do it over a bucket as there’s water sitting in there. Clear out whatever is in there, screw back on and tighten as hard as you can with your hands.

      1. MissGirl*

        Yes, this. I worked in plumbing and just did it to my parents sink a few days ago. I’m sure there’s a Youtube video showing it. Things get trapped in the P-trap. It’s the bend after the disposal and is connected by two plastic nuts.

        Put a bucket underneath and unscrew both. You’d be surprised what you find wedged in there. In a rental I lived in, I found a butter knife with a plastic straw wrapped around it. Sink worked much better after that, go figure.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Careful on this if it’s old house, our 1940s house kitchen sink had a pipe crumble under my hand once. :(

        Lovecraft Beauty Try an enzyme treatment in case it’s as simple as a food/hair clog. They’re sold for septic systems and instead of just flushing it down the toilet you pour half the amount into the drained of the empty problem sink and let it sit a couple of hours. Then run some hot water and see if it helps.
        House or apartment?

    7. Ethyl*

      Where I live, plumbers and electricians are considered essential businesses. So if it completely stops up or overflows you may well be able to get someone in. Take precautions if you do, of course!

    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      One thing that’s helped me clear slow bathroom sinks (so might work for a kitchen sink) is to squirt a generous amount of dish detergent down the sink and leave it to soak for a while (I use blue Dawn for this). After it’s had a chance to soak, run a bunch of hot water and see if it clears.

  57. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

    Has anyone had luck in treating low T3 levels with levothyroxine? I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease hypothyroidism. My T3 levels are low, but my TSH and T4 levels are within normal (although not optimal) ranges. I know it can take a while for thyroid medications to start working, but I’ve been taking levothyroxine for about a month with no improvement. I’ve read that some people have trouble converting T4 into T3 and I’m wondering if that could be my issue, or if I should just give it more time. Any advice on the medication, or managing low T3 in general would be very helpful. Thank you!

      1. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

        Yes, I’ve been seeing an endo for about a month (after being misdiagnosed for over a year by various other doctors). Next blood test was supposed to be next month, but I’m wondering if I should let her know the symptoms aren’t getting better or just wait another month and see.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Check it, it’s s balancing act. I take both forms and the Dr adjusts the levels occasionally. For me it also seems linked to my Vitamin D levels but I’ve never figured out why.

        2. Kuododi*

          Couple of thoughts from a long term thyroid pt.
          *Thyroid meds are extremely touchy. By that I mean many little things can jack up the absorption of meds. (ie must take meds on a completely empty stomach. No food for at least an hour from taking thyroid meds.). Also don’t take other medication, supplements at same time as thyroid meds. If you have questions about med interaction risk check in with your pharmacist.
          As far as time line to see improvement, personally I go between 4-6 wks before I look at checking back with my MD.
          Best wishes Kuododi

          1. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

            Thanks! I’m at the 5 week mark now so I think I’ll give it another week and check in with my doctor.

    2. Tiffany Hashish*

      This was me. Armour Thyroid basically saved my life. Certainly my sanity.

      I had to find a integrative doctor to prescribe it – and to take my symptoms seriously and not just my bloodwork. Many traditional MDs think of integrative medicine as witchcraft, but this was the way I got healthy after being on a synthetic thyroid T4 only drug for six months and my body shutting down.

      1. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

        This is helpful, thanks. That’s what’s been most frustrating – I have all the symptoms of hypothyroidism but since my TSH levels are normal(ish) most doctors just ignore it entirely. I’m glad I found an endo who finally did a full blood panel and found the low T3 and antibodies, but I worry that the synthetic T4 isn’t helping because my body isn’t converting it. I think I’m going to get a blood test scheduled for the 6 week mark and see what my labs say. Based on my symptoms (including temperature tracking), I don’t think it’s doing anything.

        1. Tiffany Hashish*

          Thinking of you as you figure this out! Please don’t be afraid of seeing a new doc if you don’t feel heard – sounds like you’ve already done this at least once.

          I got the point of major weight gain, stopped periods, stopped pooping, uncontrollable emotions, and massive hair loss before I found a doc that offered me a solution other than to get on an anti-depressant and work out. It took more than a year to recover my professional and to some extent personal life, though Armour did made me feel exponentially better in less than two weeks. Lots of nutrient absorption issues with hypothyroid, as well, so often everything compounds when that tiny little gland isn’t working efficiently.

          There are compounded and other desiccated drugs with T3 – lots of options besides the standard Synthroid rx.

          1. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

            Thank you! It was a really frustrating process getting a diagnosis, and it definitely took much longer because every time a doctor would dismiss it I’d go back to thinking maybe it was all in my head or not so bad. I saw a couple really bad doctors, but mostly they just didn’t know what to do with me since my TSH was normal.

    3. Pumpa Rumpa*

      I’ve been on levothyroxine for about 12 years. In the beginning, it took about 6 months to find the right dosage. I’ve also had it adjusted up and down again over the years. I hope you’re able to find the magic spot soon.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        The last couple years there’s been enough of a variation in my numbers for my docs to go from 175mcg to 150 and back because the subsequent test after lowering shows it’s… lower. Higher dose… higher! But now blood tests cost more than they did and high normal is fine.

        I’m the ultimate definition of hypothyroid – thyroid removed in 2003. Make sure they’re keeping an eye on your calcium and parathyroids. Those came out too.

        1. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

          I’m only on 25mcg now so it could also be that I need to increase the dosage. The process is a lot trickier than I thought it would be!

      2. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

        Thanks! I am also just trying to stay patient and optimistic. I felt so relieved when I finally got a diagnosis, but I’m learning that addressing it is not a quick fix.

    4. Imtheone*

      After years on Synthroid, I tried Armour thyroid, then my new endocrinologist said I risked problems like becoming allergic to it. I went back to Synthroid and added cytomel. That’s a more mainstream option.

      1. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

        I’m wondering if I need synthetic T3 in addition to the T4. From my research though it seems like all of the medications have pretty significant pros and cons though, and no easy answer. Have you had any issues with the synthroid/cytomel combination?

        1. Imtheone*

          None, thankfully. I am surgically hypothyroid (surgery due to benign thyroid tumor many years ago when that was the standard treatment).

          I saw the endocrinologist for follow-ups for about two years, then went back to my PCP to continue monitoring thyroid hormone levels.

    5. WS*

      Even if it is going to work for you, it’s at least 6 weeks before your levels start to stabilise and it can be six months before they’re fully stable. I think you need to wait at least that long before trying alternatives, which can be great for some people, but really difficult and destabilising for others. It took me nearly 8 years to get the dose completely right.

      1. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

        Thanks. I’m at the 5 week mark now and I will give it another week and then contact my doctor. I’m trying to be patient but it’s tough when I’ve spent two years just getting a diagnosis in the first place.

    6. Ethyl*

      Are you taking the generic? Several people I know with Hashimoto’s in particular have found that for whatever reason, generic levothyroxine doesn’t work for them and they need the actual, brand-name Synthroid.

      I have Grave’s disease and had my thyroid zapped with radioactivity (did not acquire superpowers though, alas) and am able to use the generic now that I’m hypo and not hyper, but it was a long while before we hit the right dose.

      1. Imtheone*

        The different brands of thyroid hormone are absorbed differently because of the fillers. It usually is fine to stay on one brand once the hormone levels are where they should be. Unfortunately, if the Rx says “generic,” then you won’t know which one you will be getting. Sometimes you can ask the pharmacy what generic they have at a given time, and accept the generic prescription if it is a brand that you know works.

        1. Ethyl*

          Thanks for the info! I had always wondered what the difference was, since everyone keeps assuring us that the genetics are exactly the same.

      2. Hypothyroid Advice Needed*

        Good point. I am on the generic right now. It’s also a very low dose so it might just need to be higher.

    7. LilySparrow*

      I had much better results on dessicated porcine thyroid. Armour is one brand, Naturethroid is another.

      Never had any trouble getting my regular doctor to prescribe them. they are not alternative medicine, they are in the US pharmacopea.

      If your thyroid isn’t doing its job correctly, taking all the levo in the world won’t magically make it start. You have to replace whatever you aren’t making.

      If you just started, you should start feeling at least somewhat better in a few weeks, and markedly better in 2-3 months. That may not get you back to what you consider 100 percent, but you should be making progress.

      If you aren’t seeing improvement in another month, certainly ask about switching meds. There’s always an element of trial & error.

  58. Book Recs*

    With the addition of down time, I’m looking to pick up some new book recs. It’s been so long I barely remember what I enjoy reading. I like cozy mystery as a genre, as they’re easy enough to fly through. I’d love to find something that’s not so romance heavy – I love stories of women owned business; Goodbye, Jimmy Choo, was a nice one I read a while back and the only one that comes to mind. Generally, I’d just like something light, easy, and with romance as more of a minor theme than an overall plot. Not a huge fan of sci-fi/fantasy, but otherwise relatively open – I love anything with a nod to an artsy industry – fashion, interior, paper arts, museums, etc. I avoid Amazon, so anything Kindle related is a no-go for me.

    1. Anon5775*

      You might like “The art forger” by BA Shapiro. Ever tried the mysteries by Diane Mott Davidson? If I remember she owns her own catering business and gets involved in helping solve her husband’s mysteries. I think her husband is a cop or detective. I’m not sure if they are classified as “cozy” but they do have recipes in them!

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      Not art related, but definitely a woman-owned business: The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith.

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      I like the Lisa Scottoline books for this type of reading. Most of her books are legal thrillers built around female attorneys.

      The Keeper of Lost Things by Ruth Hogan was one of my recent favorites. It’s not quite a mystery, though there is a “ghostly presence,” and there’s some reuniting lost objects to their owners. I loved it, and I actually might read it again. I gave it 5 stars on my Goodreads books, which I very rarely do.

    4. Phoenix from the ashes*

      There’s a bunch of books by iain pears about crimes (fictional) in the Italian art world – huge fun. Start with the Raphael Affair. There is a romance arc that runs through the series.

    5. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Sadly, all I can think of are all those “cozy crime” books where the busybody bakery owner in a small town tries to solve crimes when she really should just let the police do their jobs. They turned them all into Hallmark movies and my wife loves them, but they sort of make smoke want to come out of my forehead. I hope there are more books out there that involve women-owned businesses than just that!

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I started reading that series years ago and 8 had the compulsion to finish it. About 17 books in I.couldn’t. Take. it. Anymore. If they weren’t digital copies I would have lit them on fire. I just wanted to slap her and would never be friends. Plus, her cookies were crap.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ll suggest a pair that are classified as romance because the author is a master of that genre, but the friends & family relationships are far more central to the story than the romantic ones.
      Debbie Macomber, “The Shop on Blossom Street” and “A Good Yarn.”
      In a similar vein, “The Beach Street Knitting Society and Yarn Club” by Gil McNeil and “The Little Beach Street Bakery” by Jenny Colgan.

    7. Ree*

      Have you read the Booktown Mystery series by Lorna Barrett? Those are considered cozy mysteries and the main character is a woman store shop owner.
      They’re easy reads and I love them when I want a mystery but not a thrilling or suspenseful mystery :)

    8. Akcipitrokulo*

      I really enjoyed the Caster and Fleet series … two victorian era ladies solve mysteries. Cosy, told in alternating first person. Plot does commit offence of being helped along by co-incidece at times, but enjoyed writing and characters enough to forgive that!

    9. Lives in a Shoe*

      Have you tried Barbara Taylor Bradford’s A Woman of Substance, if I remember correctly it turned into a 3 or 4 book series. One of my all time favorites that might be hard to find these days is Claire Rayner’s The Enduring Years. Neither are mysteries but both have a strong female lead, the romance is secondary.

    11. Avasarala*

      You want Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries! A lady detective in the 1920s, very fashionable with a bit of romance (more of a James Bond girl-but-a-guy situation) and a very light tone, only takes about 3 hours to read the first one.

  59. Seeking Second Childhood*

    How to tell the school music teacher that her choices are problematic? I’m finding this out because of remote school. There’s so much good secular choral music out there and the chorus is doing religious Christian pieces. I can see the justification for classical pieces in Latin, and for the 19th c spirituals, but a modern English “praise his holy name” !?
    There’s issues with sexist choices too but wow the Christian music in school makes me uncomfortable and I *AM* Christian.

    1. Anonnington*

      It might not be the teacher’s choices. It could be coming from higher up. And I think that gives you a good opener. Let the teacher off the hook by asking as if it wasn’t up to them, and ask why the school is doing these pieces instead of others.

  60. Nicki Name*

    Gaming thread?

    I decided it was finally time to start Fire Emblem: Three Houses. I’m just finishing up month 2 and starting to feel like maybe I’m getting the hang of a few of the bazillion things I need to do. I’m a Fire Emblem veteran, but holy crap are there a lot of things to keep track of. Enjoying it, though!

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      I started Doom Eternal and Animal Crossing: New Horizons today. Loving both of them! I followed some advice online to start one difficulty level higher than you would normally choose for Doom Eternal, and it’s going well. It’s one of the best shooters I’ve ever played, probably only tied with Doom (2016).

      Which house did you pick in FE:3H? My husband started with Black Eagles, and I watched a good bit of his playthrough before starting my own, so I went a very different direction. Initially I thought I would go with the Golden Deer but I didn’t like as many of the students in that house as I did the Blue Lions. I finished my Blue Lions playthrough and am now running 2 simultaneous NG+ campaigns, one as Black Eagles and the other as Golden Deer.

      Also, if anyone plays Destiny 2, or wants to try playing Destiny 2 (the base game is F2P), I’d be happy to join you! I play it quite a bit, and find it to be a lot of fun.

      1. Nicki Name*

        I went with Golden Deer for my first playthrough, just because I liked the house theme.

    3. Torrance*

      I started a new farm in Stardew Valley to keep me busy and distracted. I’m hunkering down in Pelican Town with Shane and our chickens for the foreseeable future.

      World of Warcraft is offering a big experience boost for the next month but I’m burnt out for the moment so that’s a bummer. And, oh! If you use Steam, you can ‘buy’ Tomb Raider (the 2013 reboot) for free until the 23rd (the deal ends then, not the access).

    4. Retail not Retail*

      Pokemon go – I spent the $8 for the ticket event because I miss out on 5 star raids.

      My neighborhood has a gym and 3 stops and my dog is good at social distancing.

      And as long as I still work, we’re kinda lax, so I’m spinning stops more than ever. I’m probably the only one not suffering in self-quarantine!

  61. Jessen*

    Sight rant:

    With being locked in some of my old issues with weight loss are getting worse. There’s some stuff where I don’t get hungry when I should and it can be hard to make myself eat enough to maintain a healthy weight. That part I’m used to, but it’s much harder to manage when I can’t make last minute food runs. For various reasons delivery or carryout aren’t really an option.

    The frustration for me is I feel like I basically can’t talk about this. I get accused of humble-bragging a lot, or told that I should consider myself lucky because it’s so much harder for fat people. Or I get people trying to fit me into the eating disorder category, which is just not what’s going on here. (I’ve even had that one sometimes be an issue from medical people.)

    It’s like we just have no space for any apparently femme individuals to not see weight loss as a great thing, or for people who might struggle with being able to eat enough. I’m way too tired and it hurts and I hate being told that I should be grateful for being sick.

    1. Kuododi*

      Sweetie I do see what you are going through. I have similar weight struggles and I have been known to pull the Cancer card when people are being ridiculous about any signs of weight loss.

      (ie… medical assistant checking me into the Drs office for a routine check-up starts bragging on my recent weight loss. I usually remind them about cancer in terms of how I don’t recommend either the radiation treatment diet or the cancer diet.)
      Blessings to you in this time. Kuododi

    2. Washi*

      I have struggled with this at times as well! Running is crucial to my mental health, and in order to be able to run, I need to eat properly (I otherwise wouldn’t notice not eating enough, it’s just when I try to run that I get dizzy from lack of food.) I’ve also not always wanted to talk about it because diet culture glorifies starving yourself and exercising until you feel faint….Biggest Loser (tv show) I’m looking at you! It’s hard to talk about.

      I don’t have any suggestions, but solidarity!

    3. Filosofickle*

      I’m so sorry people are making you feel that way.

      I’m on the other end of this spectrum and I would never in a million years tell you you should feel lucky. People simply have to stop assuming things about other people’s bodies and and health! Keep your advice and opinions to yourself! Better yet, don’t form opinions at all. Even when you think it’s positive, like praising weight loss, because we never know what others are experiencing. As a culture we’re so messed up about food and bodies. It’s bonkers.

    4. =^-^=*

      My husband recently lost a lot of weight due to illness and my (female) manager was envious and seriously said, maybe that’s what I need to do to lose weight, get sick… :(

      1. NowayMary*

        Yes me too. Chemo has done permanent damage to my colon. It’s not pretty. I’ve lost a lot of weight.
        I get yelled at by one nurse in particular, and so many people have said oh so there’s an upside to cancer.
        I am so ready to throat punch the next one who says that.
        You aren’t alone. I hope things get better for you.

    5. anon for this*

      This sucks – I’m sorry! Beauty standards are so messed up.

      I lost a lot of weight completely unexpectedly while being treated for a chronic health issue, and it culminated in a colleague noticing and trying to count my calories for me, which was inappropriate and not helpful. At least it’s in the past now.

  62. Kuododi*

    As far as my cancer diagnoses, I am apparently still doing quite well. (Stronger every day). Unfortunately, I’m in a bit of a pickle bc of kidney stones in both kidneys. (GACK!!!) I’ve had no symptoms other than recent chronic UTI. Saw my Dr yesterday who checked my test results and reports that I am almost to the stage where the d**n things must come out. We’ve been able to manage the situation through my cancer treatment. Now it appears I’m almost out of time. When I follow up in two weeks he’s supposed to have final report on the testing so he can make recommendations.

    I’m extremely frustrated and hostile about this predicament. I’m fully aware I’m not exempt from further medical difficulties. My previous history didn’t give me chicken pox style immunity. I’m comfortable with my current support system/support activities. I’m simply hostile, frustrated and updating y’all on my status. Thanks so much. Kuododi

    1. Ms Mash*

      I completely understand your frustration. Whenever I feel that way, I always try to lean into the sound sage words of Mr. John Lennon:
      Life happens when you’re busy making plans.

      Kuododi

    2. Anon woman with breast cancer*

      Oh Kuododi, this is no fun! I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Good. reminder tho, about previous history, and I am glad you are getting stronger each day! Hang in there, can they use the sonic beams to blast these stones? My cousin had that (he lives in Florida). Good luck! Sending you good vibes!

  63. The man with no name*

    What can I do when my sister won’t acknowledge she has a real problem and I am so grossed out I don’t like being around her because of it?
    I feel bad saying that but it’s the truth. My sister is a nail biter and cuticle/skin around the nails picker. I try my best to be understanding but I can’t stand to be around her for long because she bites her nails and picks the skin until her fingers are bloody stumps. She was let go from her last two jobs for biting/picking her fingers bloody daily at the front desk (she was working as a receptionist) or in a meeting when she was supposed to be taking minutes (she was an assistant, she got blood all over the laptop and her shirt, this was during the meeting and she didn’t actually take any minutes). It grosses me out. When my cousin’s wife had their baby my sister wanted to hold him and she still bit/picked while she was holding the baby. She does it in restaurants, around food, in public, in our great aunts nursing home, and anywhere else. I don’t know what else to say. If someone points it out to her she will stop but then minutes later she is doing it again. She got blood all over the rental car she had last year when hers was in the shop and she had to pay a cleaning fee. The seats in her own car have what looks to be permanent stains. People have gotten police or security in public or expressed concern because she has blood all over her hands. I know she was called out at the grocery store before over it. She admits it “can be a problem” but at the same time she says it is “not a big deal”. She was a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding and she bit during it. In the video you can see her bleeding on her dress. I think at this point her nails are stubs and permanently wrecked. I’m worried she’s at risk for infection or worse. Especially given the current situation.

    1. fposte*

      If this were something that would be fixed by somebody else saying something, it would be fixed by now. Bodily self-stims get really ingrained (think of how hard it’s been to avoid touching your face–it’s not like you’ve got to regularly adjust your nose), and this may be related to other things she has going on. Since this is a sibling, you may have room to open up some possibilities (“I know for some people that’s really tied to anxiety, and given that it’s causing you to lose jobs maybe counseling would help”).

      But mostly, if you knew this was going to be how she always is, what would you want to do? Spend less time with her? Carry bandaids and hand one over if she bleeds? Do those things now. If she changes, then you can figure out a new plan, but in the mean time, I’d assume this is the sister you’re going to have for the foreseeable future.

    2. Sriracha*

      I don’t blame you for being grossed out. I shudder just thinking about it. If she refuses to admit she has a problem there’s nothing you can do. She’s an adult and if she wants to bury her head in the sands that’s on her. You aren’t a bad brother or person for wanting to limit your time around her.

    3. Another Sarah*

      If your sister won’t help herself then you can’t help her. She has to want to change and it looks like despite everything she doesn’t want to. I’m so sorry OP. Your feelings of not wanting to around her are completely normal and justified.

    4. Martine*

      If one of my bridesmaid’s bit her nails to the point of blood while I was getting married and saying my vows I would have been absolutely livid. Imagine seeing that on the video of your wedding ceremony. What is wrong wit people?

      1. fposte*

        I think that’d be a pretty harsh response in its own right, though–she’s not doing it to indulge herself, she’s doing it because she can’t stop. Think of it as a tic.

        1. No way*

          Biting your fingers and making them bleed to the point where you lose jobs and strangers seek help for you when you are out in public is not a “tic”. This goes way beyond that and I would have been mad too if someone had done this at my wedding.

          1. Agnodike*

            A tic is an uncontrollable physical compulsion. Do you really not think that if this woman could stop, she would? She must be immensely embarrassed, which could be why she minimizes it so much.

    5. Kau*

      No offense to your sister, but I would have to leave the room. She really needs to do something about this. Losing jobs, getting the police called on her, ruining a rental car? If she can’t see why this isn’t a problem I don’t know what else OP can do to convince her. If you have to limit time with her to avoid being grossed out then you should do it. It doesn’t mean you can’t support her in other ways but she needs to recognize the issues she is creating.

    6. Pennyworth*

      If she doesn’t acknowledge the problem there is probably nothing you can do, but I suspect she just thinks it is insurmountable and doesn’t want to talk about it. She might also be attached to the pain sensation, because biting to the point of drawing blood has to hurt. It sounds as though she has given you a bit of an opening though by admitting it ‘can be a problem’, could you offer to pay for some therapy? Compulsive nail biting is a recognised disorder and habit reversal therapy is a known treatment.

      I am a nail biter who has had spells of overcoming the habit. The problem is I don’t notice what I’m doing until I have actually taken my hand away from my mouth. There are two elements to nail biting – the nails and the mouth. What has helped me is 1. changing the feel of my nails so I am more aware of them as they approach my mouth – such as having acrylic nails, applying bandaids or even wearing gloves and 2. keeping my mouth occupied with chewing gum. Also having a strategy for how to manage nails as they start growing back other than trimming them with teeth. Nailbiters have no experience in caring for nails. I have a metal file which I use to contantly smooth the tiniest rough bits as they grow back even though that means they are not getting longer, just neater. Taking a photo of my bitten nails is a real eye-opener too – much worse than they seem to look IRL – and a sequence of photos can help track pogress as they grow.

    7. Lena Clare*

      This seems like OCD behaviour, called excoriation. Can you tell her from that point of view and get professional help?

      Maybe approachong it from the ‘I know you can’t help it. I feel really sad that you’re hurting yourself this way and I want to help you’ will be better received than ‘can you stop doing that, its gross?’ (There’s no judgement here, btw). There are treatments that are very effective, from meds to CBT to redirection techniques, or combos of various different things.

      If she won’t admit there is a problem then there’s not much you can do, though. You might find it helpful to get support for yourself and your family from a charity, such as OCD Action.

      I feel for you and I feel for your sister.

    8. Washi*

      I will say this about cuticle picking: I have achieved a lot of academic success, become fluent in a foreign language, run half-marathons, maintained an amazing long term relationship with my husband, tackled my depression and anxiety with quite a lot of success…and I cannot seem to stop biting my cuticles. It is HARD.

      I don’t blame you for being grossed out – mine can be quite gross, and I don’t even do it at the same level as your sister. But if losing jobs over it (!) and the other negative consequences you mention haven’t gotten her to get professional help, I doubt there is much you can do. Internet diagnoses are a no-no, of course, but since this is obviously impairing function, it may help you to frame this less as a habit and more as a mental illness, even if she doesn’t have a specific diagnosis at the moment.

      I think you could, one time, try to open up a conversation with her about it, if you can cultivate a genuine, disgust-free curiosity about it. Questions like – what is it like for you when people bring it up? Has there ever been a brief period where you’ve stopped? Have you ever consciously tried to quit? Have you ever thought about getting professional help? Key question: if no, how will you know when it is time to get help?

      I like Lena Clare’s approach as well and think the whole tone should be “I hate to see you unhappy right now, and I think there is hope for things getting better in the future, if you get the help you need.”

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I used to bite my nails really bad.

      Nail biting can be a nutritional deficiency of some type.

      But also running in the back ground can be some trauma that has not been dealt with.

      One thing I read that jarred me is that nail biting in girls can be associated with a problematic relationship with their mother. When I read this I felt like I was walking around in my underwear and it was NOT good-in-case-you-go-to-the-hospital undies either. ugh. I had a slim to none relationship with my mother. After reading that i wondered if the nun who picked on me for nail biting knew that.

      You know your sis best. An inroad might be encouraging her to get help with past issues.

    10. =^-^=*

      My husband picks at his cuticles until they bleed, rips off any broken nails way too far down, and has removed large parts of his toenails. It’s gross and he keeps bleeding on his shirts, socks, and on his bedding. I think it’s awful but I have no idea how to stop him. For him it actually starting after a doctor diagnosed him with ADHD and put him on way too high a dose of Adderall. He never did it before that and he hasn’t been able to stop, even though he stopped the medication years ago. He’s not at the point your sister is, but I feel for you.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Oh, geez, Adderall can mess people up so bad if the dosage isn’t right. I was on 40mg in fifth grade and it nearly killed me.

      2. Auntie Social*

        Oh, we had to go to the podiatrist for an emergency because my ex cut/tore his nails waaaaay too far back and they got infected. Not just bloody, I mean red and green from infection and pus pockets that would sort of explode on their own. I told the doctor he had done all that “AMA”—“against Mama’s advice”!!!! The doctor said it looked like I was the smart one. I made him hydrogen peroxide our sheets.

    11. Professor x*

      If your sister doesn’t want to take responsibility and admit she has a problem it’s not on you and not your problem. You can certainly offer your assistance if she seeks help but as long as she is in denial it is completely fine for you to not want to be around her. Any of those things you listed [losing a job, having strangers freak out and get the police, the rental car damage] should have a been a wake up call and a catalyst to get help. The fact that it wasn’t says she is either immature or denial or some combination of both. And there is no helping anyone like that.

    12. Anono-me*

      I’m sorry that your family is in this situation, it must be very distressing.

      As a stopgap, if you have some discretionary income and she is agreeable; would it help to get some nice leather gloves with either a zipper or a Velcro close? Maybe give her one pair for when she goes out and you keep one pair for her to wear when you socialize with her in the future. ( If you are in the USA, Wilsons Leather had some for $10.99 on sale and Catherines had some for $8.99.)

      I suggest leather because it’s more durable , less porous, and offers more protection for everyone.

      I suggest the zipper or velcro close for two reasons. One, maybe fidgeting with the closure will help as a substitute just a little bit. Two, undoing a noisy closure makes the act of taking the gloves off more of a conscious decision.

      As a long-term solution, I defer to those with more knowledge and experience in this area.

    13. valentine*

      Apart from avoiding her, I don’t think there’s anything you can do because it’s costing her money, yet she won’t so much as anticipate and clean up the blood.

    14. ..Kat..*

      Search for The TLC Foundation for Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors on the web. This sounds like an anxiety driven compulsion.

    15. Jdc*

      Not that this will necessarily help her but I used to bite my nails. I once was in college using a microscope and my finger slipped under. The sight on my finger up close disgusted me and i never touched them again. I was never as bad as her but it was a dose of reality for sure.

    16. anon for this*

      This is so hard. Body-focused repetitive disorders are awful because most people are fully aware that they’re doing them, and that isn’t enough to stop. I have trichotillomania (I pull my hair out), and dermatillomania (I pick at my skin – basically, my fingers go crawling all over any exposed skin and, if they find anything that is itchy, oily, or raised, they will dig in). I’ve had both conditions for well over 20 years. I’m at risk of infections and repetitive strain injuries in my hands. Both habits bring very short term satisfaction but long term suffering, and I would like them to stop. Nothing I have tried has got me there. What I hear is that it requires the right therapist and habit reversal training or cognitive behavioral therapy, and no luck yet. Most doctors just say, “Well, quit doing that,” and if that had worked, it would have been about 1 year rather than 20 years. I suspect your sister is secretly VERY aware and embarrassed but trying to downplay it. That’s how it is with my issues. My heart goes out to you and her.

  64. Theodoric of York*

    I like fposte’s bandaid idea. Maybe you (or someone) could try to substitute a less destructive habit that keeps her hands busy.

  65. Elizabeth West*

    I have things I could be doing but all I want to do is lie around and watch Dark Shadows on Hulu.

    2. Woman of a Certain Age*

      This was one of my favorite TV shows growing up. I’d run home from school and catch the end of it. “Dark Shadows” and “The Edge of Night”.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Hahah we weren’t allowed to watch it as children because it was too scary. TBH, it’s pretty creepy and I can see why!

        I remember The Edge of Night; we watched that one in high school. There was a huge soap opera craze at the time. The favorite was All My Children—which starred Louis Edmonds as Langley Wallingford, who was also Roger Collins on Dark Shadows. One year when we went back in the fall, the school paper published a list of back-to-school woes. One of them referred to a storyline on the show: “People are mad because now they’ll never know if Billy Clyde buried Estelle alive.”

        1. Chaordic One*

          Dark Shadows never scared me, but there were some movies (most on TV) with occult themes that did. I was fascinated with the character of Daphne Harridge, the governess, played by a very young Kate Jackson before she went on to became one of Charlie’s Angels.

          I also liked General Hospital and One Life to Live.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Dark Shadows! I’m afraid to start watching it – might get sucked in to a complete binge! Loved the series back in the day, and enjoyed it all over again in reruns while guffawing at some of the more blatant mishaps. (I recall a tense scene in a graveyard in which somebody – Willy Loomis, I think – accidentally bumped into one of the headstones, which shifted enough to show that it was cardboard and the “grass” it was set in was a loose strip of carpet.)

      Side note: not long ago I stumbled across the novel Hawkes Harbor, by S. E. Hinton (of The Outsiders fame). Turns out it’s a thinly-disguised fan-fic of “Dark Shadows”, giving a happier fate to both not-Barnabas and not-Willy, though not without some angst along the way. [No, it isn’t slash, though that might have been fun…] I’d had no advance notice about this when I first read the book, so I kept going “wait, this sounds oddly familiar. Hmmm…” until it clicked. Not great literature but could be fun for Dark Shadows fans!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I saw one where Victoria and Burke were in the graveyard looking for Maggie. She stepped on the grass and it twisted under her foot, revealing that it was obviously a rug. :’D

        But seriously, I have mad respect for the actors. The show was shot live-to-tape a week ahead of air date, with no reshoots. They had to basically put on a play, with new lines every time, five days a week. The amount of mistakes they made was minimal when you consider how many episodes there were. Some of the dialogue sounds like it was ad-libbed; obviously someone forgot a line or delivered it wrong from time to time. It’s kind of fun because it makes it sound more like real conversation.

        Everybody loves Barnabas, but Dennis Patrick as Jason McGuire was so good. And John Karlen as Willie Loomis, Barnabas’ familar. Most people remember John as Lacey’s husband in Cagney and Lacey.

        1. Chaordic One*

          I never noticed any of these little accidents until they were pointed out to me. Because of the actors, the writers, the set crew and the camera operators all working together it was easy to miss them. And if you did notice them, it is easy to overlook and dismiss them.

          “The Show Must Go On,” and all that. I find them kind of charming and endearing.

        2. Chaordic One*

          Gee, I see that John Karlen recently passed away back in January. There were conflicting accounts of his age ranging from 81 to 86. He was a good actor and he had his moments.

  66. Rebecca*

    I had a nice, relaxing day! I found my suet cake cage, sans suet, at least the cage was left behind by whatever creature stole it! Pulled the game cam, and I got a few hilarious pictures of a turkey, at one point, staring directly into the camera. Learned I have 3 rather large raccoons…but no bears yet. Went for a 4 mile walk, took photos of the harbingers of spring, frog eggs, little periwinkles, daffodils, birch trees budding out, colt’s foot, it was a beautiful azure blue sky but chilly day. Laundry on the line, and it smells great. I should have been doing other things, maybe, but it felt great to get outside. Going hiking tomorrow, my neighbor asked me if I wanted to go, and where, I told her to get out the map and pick a trail. Don’t worry, we’re keeping proper distance and not going inside each other’s homes or touching anything, like handing over a phone to look at a photo.

    I started to watch The Wire on Amazon Prime last night but I see Elizabeth West posted that Dark Shadows is on Hulu!! OMG!!

    I decided to make cole slaw. Well, cabbage grater 1, Rebecca’s thumb, 0. Ouch. Those of you who have used that medieval device to shred cheese or cabbage know what I did.

    Hope everyone is staying active and well! Mom isn’t liking this whole stores closed, no hand therapy, non essential doctor’s appointments canceled, etc. but she’ll just have to get over it. I’m OK. I’m sleeping better, liking not having to drive back and forth to work, and trying to keep my hands clean. Got out some heavy duty moisturizer as they are about as dry as a desert right now and starting to crack from all the hand sanitizer and washing.

    Anyone else watching shows on Hulu or Amazon Prime? All those Xfinity channels and there’s nothing I want to watch. All sports canceled :( I totally understand why but it still stinks.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Watching the new Hulu series “Little Fires Everyw here” with Reese Witherspoon and Kerry Washington. Similar to “Big Little Lies” but I like it so far.

    2. !*

      I got a month’s subscription to Hulu to watch all episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale, it was well worth it!.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I’m re-watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Hulu. An ex made me watch it when it was on Netflix and I loved it. I forgot how dumb some of the random monster episodes were, hahaha.

      Also the FX show What We Do in the Shadows, a mockumentary-style show about vampires based on Taika Waititi’s film. It is HYSTERICAL. Matt Berry is in it!

  67. Internet Stranger*

    To the 
    Depressed about all this.

    No Idea how to reply to you directly – can’t find the reply button to your message – but I get you, I was in a similar place ;( Sending lots of hugs from an internet stranger from Europe (I am in Austria).
    But see, you have crawled back from the depression, and even if you sink back in, it would be still possible to crawl out again (as you did). Maybe now it seems the end of the road, but you _did_crawl out of it and found a better way to live (with clean apartment and all that). Finding this for the second time will be easier. Suicide thoughts can be a real black vortex which just lets you drown (it almost sucked me in a year and then a half a year ago). And one of the worst things (when I got them) was that it was almost impossible to tell anybody about them, because then even the closest friends would be panicking and I had to console *them*. But it is a thought, an intrusive, horrible one, but one which doesn’t have a power of physical law over you. It is a dreadful thought, but I hope that it will go away, and even if it may be come back, it will then go away again, but the most important thing is just to keep breathing. Think how the Main Street will look when it will be over, with the bookshop opened and cafe full of customers and folks dear to you will hug you when it will be over. Sending more internet hugs across the ocean.
    But, yes, it is really hard. I am also single and living alone, now jobless (with small stipend which will last till July which is a blessing), last semester of uni suspended, and all my closest friends refusing to see me, even to go out for a walk or a run together because of the quarantine. I had exactly one real-life human contact during the week – it was my therapist, bless her. It is hard. When human interactions and normal life routines are a lifeline against depression, and it all crumples away and no lifeline left, you alone with your thoughts… it is hard. But I hope we all will keep breathing, and then it will be over and there will be sun and cafe and friends. More internet hugs, and stay safe, please.

    1. Blueberry*

      This is a wonderful comment. It isn’t addressed to me, but I’m glad I read it and thought I should say so.

  68. Sunflower*

    Can someone recommend some good markers and/or colored pencils?

    I just picked up some adult coloring books and a pack of basic Crayola colored pencils to pass some time. The pencils are fine enough but I really love the bold, bright look of markers or mixing markers and colored pencils(I am trying to blend but haven’t mastered it just yet). I also am particular to bright colors (especially blues, purples, pinks, yellows)- I’d be willing to pay a little more to order specific colors.

    1. Sunflower Sea Star*

      Primacolor for pencils.
      My daughter who is an artist loves Copic markers but they’re $$$ so she mostly uses arteza (I think? Bought her some for Christmas, and I’m like 75% sure that’s the brand she asked for.)

    2. Lissajous*

      The Well Appointed Desk had a post on coloured pencils recently!
      https://www.wellappointeddesk.com/

      My preference has always been the Faber Castells, which use an oil based binder. I’ve never liked Derwents anywhere near as much, I just have a couple where Faber Castell don’t have quite that colour.

      Prismacolour have never been a big thing where I live; I have a couple (again for particular shade reasons) and initial impression is I still like Faber Castells better.

      Irojiten do an absolutely stunning range of colours, but you don’t get anywhere near the pigment laydown that Faber Castell or Prisma give. But the colours are so gorgeous I’m so very tempted to get some next I do an order anyway…

    3. Osmoglossum*

      In addition to Sunflower Sea Star’s recommendation, for colored pencils also consider
      Faber-Castel Polychromos
      Prismacolor Premier
      Staedtler Ergosoft

      have fun coloring!!!

    4. Johanna*

      May not work for you but I love my sharpie ultra fines for colouring mandalas. They look so sharp and stay inside the lines.

    5. Coloring*

      I used to color using Stabilo pens and loved them. They are fine point and very colorful. Not really great for filling in larger areas but maybe you could buy different sized points.

  69. Might be Spam*

    My daughter is getting a divorce and still has to share the house with her stbx until they sell it. With things going the way they are, there’s no telling how long that will take. I’m not sure how to support her and she isn’t complaining about it, but it has to be awful.

    We aren’t good at sharing feelings, but I’ve been working on that for a few years. She did share some information that I’m keeping private, which is a huge step for her. She hasn’t said anything since and I don’t want to push her boundaries.

    What would you want from your own mother if you were going through this? I can’t even take her out to do something to distract her.

    1. Sunflower Sea Star*

      Rates are low and a friend of mine looking for a house said that houses are getting snapped up. She lost out on two this week, so I guess some people are out buying!

    2. Environmental Compliance*

      With the caveat that I’m pretty close with my mom and we’re both very Feelings-heavy people, just open & loving support. I don’t think I’d personally want *agreement* – like, “yep Ex is an absolute dickwad lookit them just being sucky” but an open ear to vent & talk through disappointments or anxiety. And also being there to talk about literally anything *but* the situation – being a distraction towards normal, if that makes sense. I was going through some rough stuff that ended up requiring a surgery, and my mom was randomly sending me pictures of pretty yarns, because we’re both very crafty and we like fiber stuff and it was pretty and happy and distracted me from the issue, because I didn’t need someone to talk endlessly about problem, I needed someone to make something feel normal in a sea of frustration and anxiety and sadness and pain.

      1. Might be Spam*

        Random pictures are a good idea. I’ve been sending random texts to both of my children. I’ll try pictures, too. It helps me to know what works and what doesn’t. Thank you

        1. valentine*

          “yep Ex is an absolute dickwad lookit them just being sucky”
          This could backfire in that she may consider it a judgment on her choice or they get back together and bond over how you disparaged him.

          2. Environmental Compliance*

            ^which is why I personally wouldn’t do that. I’ve known some people that want that kind of thing, but really I think most don’t. Just spreads negativity.

    3. Pennyworth*

      Our family weren’t good at sharing feeling either, but it was always good to know they were thinking of me by staying in contact during hard times.

      Could you start a ‘when you can get out of the house you can do…’ chat? It could be stuff she can do when the virus lockdown is over as well things she can do when the house is sold, as lighthearted or serious as she chooses and you could have fun making plans.

    4. Super Awk*

      I was on another continent from my Mum when I split from my husband. My mother and I have a very difficult relationship but I didn’t know who else to turn to and, to be fair, she came through in those first tough months. How? Single most important she said/did was ‘Call me anytime – ANYTIME – and I will answer.’ Meant a lot.

      1. Might be Spam*

        I’m glad you felt supported by your mother. Thank you for sharing that.
        We had a tough time together while she was growing up. I knew she was unhappy and I didn’t know how to help her. I tried, but the professionals I sought help from didn’t understand our family life and their advice didn’t seem to work. At the time, I didn’t realize how toxic our family really was. I’m trying to break generational patterns. My children know I’ve been working on myself and know that I am taking their feelings seriously.
        Things are definitely better. My daughter actually shared more information with me than either of us expected.

      2. Filosofickle*

        My brother always had a rocky relationship with our parents, and his marriage made things worse. When he got divorced, my Dad sent him an email that said something similar — basically, we are here for you no matter what, anyhow, any way — and it meant a lot to my brother. It reasssured him they didn’t judge him.

        I had told my parents the divorce was their chance to mend the relationship, and they did! Their relationship is much better now.

    5. Natalie*

      Even in the areas with “shelter in place” you’re allowed to leave your houses to get exercise. Maybe meet at a nice trailhead somewhere and get some time in nature.

    6. Not A Manager*

      “What would you want from your own mother if you were going through this?”

      Ask her! I can tell through the screen how much you love your daughter and how much you want to get this right. Tell her that. Tell her that you want to be supportive, but you’re not always sure what’s the best way to do that. You can offer a few options, like regular phone calls vs. random texts, or playing a game online, or sending her some small treats. But you can also leave it open-ended and just ask “what’s the best way to be your mother right now?”

      I also think you should circle back to the Big Information Reveal. You don’t know if you are respecting her boundaries, or if she’s wondering why you aren’t following up on Important Thing. Again, I think you can say, “I’ve been thinking a lot about What You Said Last Week. I don’t want you to feel that I’m prying, but I’m always available to talk about it further if you’d like.”

      Good for you for recognizing difficult family patterns and working to change them.

      1. Might be Spam*

        I appreciate the scripts. It will help start the discussion. Getting started is the hardest part.

    7. Fikly*

      Ask her what she wants from you. Be prepared to be ok with it if the answer is “I don’t know.”

      And then demostrate that you can be trusted by respecting what she tells you, doing the things to support her that she asks for if they are possible, and not doing other things.

      1. Might be Spam*

        Good points for me to remember and repeat. Things may change so I need to remember to check in with her and see if her needs change. Definitely need to ask her what not to do.

    8. Might be Spam*

      Thanks for all the great answers everyone. I’m keeping a copy of the replies as a reminder.

  70. Ms Mash*

    I’m tired of my mishmash of pots and pans. Can anybody recommend a good set that’s not cheap or too expensive?

    Actually, I don’t really know what is too expensive, so if there’s someone that has had good success with expensive, I’ll take that information too!

    1. Delta Delta*

      I have a set of All-Clad and I will never go back to cheap stuff. It’s sort of expensive but you’ll never need to replace it. And a Le Creuset Dutch oven is worth the price, as well.

      1. Jdc*

        Agree. Have had mine for 15 years. Home Goods often has Al Clad for about half the price but you’d have to piece a set together. That being said, like I do with my knives, I think most sets come with a lot you won’t use. I have maybe three I use regularly and could live with just that.

    2. Please Don't*

      I had someone recommend the Pioneer Women cookware recently. My stuff is mostly old revere ware. You need truly flat bottoms with the new cookbooks.

      1. Chaordic One*

        It seems like Pioneer Woman is marked down and on sale quite frequently in my local Wal-Mart, so keep your eyes open.

    3. Osmoglossum*

      Absolutely agree with Delta Delta. All-Clad is the way to go. If you are in the U.S. and have a Costco membership, you can get some sets online.

      However, if you get sticker shock when you see the prices, Tramontina Tri-Ply Clad sets are a good runner up. That’s what I have because I couldn’t afford All-Clad when I had to replace my own mishmash of pots and pans.

      Good luck!

    4. Ranon*

      We’ve been really happy with Cuisinart as the nearly as nice as all clad but not nearly as expensive option (I think of them as the Columbia to All Clad’s North face if you shop for outerwear)

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I really like my Anolon cookware – it’s like Calphalon but cheaper. I’ve gotten pieces at Bed Bath and Beyond in the past, but mostly Amazon.

    8. Reba*

      The advice might be different if you want non-stick vs. stainless…

      That said I have just bought a piece of the Calphalon Premier space saving line in stainless and I LOVE it. It is heavy (which I like) and performs well, and the flat lid design is awesome. Wish I had an excuse to buy more pieces.

      If you have a Consumer Reports subscription, they have reviewed the sets recently. Some of the recommended ones are the Calphalon, Made In Cookware, and Anolon.

    9. Filosofickle*

      I love to cook and have expensive stuff — like my beloved Le Creuset — but for the money I’ve been very impressed with Calphalon. My last purchase was a nice big Classic Non Stick 12″ fry pan with cover and it quickly became my go-to pan. It creates a great sear (rare in a non-stick), washes up easily, and shows zero wear. Paid about $40 for it on sale at Macy’s. My older ones still look pristine after years of daily use.

    10. Imtheone*

      For not so expensive but still good and long-lasting, I have had my Farberware set for 30+ years. I use a heavy cast iron skillet and a non-stick skillet for stir-frying. I have an All-Clad pot that is a great size which I use a lot, mostly for steaming vegetables. My mother-in-law bought me the All-Clad pot at an outlet store. I really don’t need such a pot for steaming, but the size is great.

    11. Emma*

      I love calphalon and Lodge (we don’t do nonstick). Basically we have a couple Lodge cast irons skillets that we use for most things, along with a Lodge enameled dutch oven for soups and stews. We have a few Calphalon saucepans for doing frozen veggies in, and a pasta pot (a big pot with a pasta strainer insert). The Calphalon is all really sturdy, have had a lot of it for 5+ years and going strong. Lodge is so trusty. My brother also likes his Lodge dutch oven. Really good quality, but much less expensive than other similar options. The Lodge dutch oven was originally recommended to me by a friend who cooks a lot.

  71. Environmental Compliance*

    Our house sold! Made the 4 hr each way trek today to check out apartments, and applied for one that will work out great for us. Now it’s just trying to figure out the temp housing. New employer has set it up for me (woohoo!) and the place accepts dogs & cats, but isn’t sure about parakeets. Well, what am I supposed to do with the Birbs now? I don’t have any family that is willing to take them / I’m willing to allow to take them in the area, so this might be interesting.

    Hopefully it’s just a couple weeks of nonsense before we can move in to the new apartment.

  72. Not So NewReader*

    Connect through something bland? A friend said they wanted the two of us (friend and I) to play scrabble on our phones together. I thought that was really sweet.

  73. Sunflower Sea Star*

    Every. Single. Time. I. Deep. Clean. My. Kitchen. My. Husband. Cooks. Bacon. Without. A. Splatter. Guard. Within. Hours.
    Every. Damn. Time.
    Can anyone relate?

    1. =^-^=*

      One time right after I deep cleaned the stove, my husband made soup, it boiled over, and he didn’t clean it. He kept cooking on that burner and I found an awful charred mess later.

      He has also: mixed up clean and dirty laundry, mixed up clean and dirty dishes in the dishwasher, messed up the pantry after I organized it because “it was easier to just put stuff wherever”, etc etc etc.

      1. valentine*

        Put them on PIPs! That include them taking responsibility for cleaning up the mess they’ve made of your work. I’d be worried there’s something deeper there, like they resent you for doing something they never do and mess it up so even the score, somehow. But there’s something to be said for the impulse, like babies immediately voiding on a fresh diaper.

        1. Sunflower Sea Star*

          Oh he’s totally taking care of the mess himself. Every single time. And this time when I smelled the bacon and said “Again?” he immediately said “Already planning to clean it up myself real good!” I think the sparkling kitchen makes him want to cook, and bacon is his favorite, and he brings me bacon, too.

    2. Panthera uncia*

      I spend about three hours scrubbing our stove top, because we have a 90s-style downdraft exhaust and my arm is the only one small enough to fit in the crevice. Every time, within a few days, he makes his “famous” meatballs and sauce, splattering tomato sauce in a three-foot radius with no memory for the concept of lids. The last time, I told him kitchen cleaning was his job. Permanently.

      Also, his meatballs and sauce are mediocre at best.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Every time I scrub the stove (glass top), I make something that boils over. I can’t even blame my partner! Every. Time.

    4. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Cant relate
      My husband doesn’t cook
      (Or do laundry)

      The upside is that meals tend to taste good and laundry is done correctly

    5. willow for now*

      My cat takes a really stinky poop right after I clean her box. But bacon grease is worse. Even though it smell better.

      Next time, hubs gets to clean.

    7. MatKnifeNinja*

      Raises hand! I hear yah!

      My cousin and niece made beef stew and biscuits last night. It looks like toddlers threw a rave in there. WTF?

      I’ll say nothing, because it was a good distraction for them.

      Hamburgers. Too high heat, grease everywhere.

      #GoodTimes

    8. cat socks*

      I’ve switched to baking bacon in my toaster oven because I hated dealing with the grease.

  74. Sunflower*

    Anyone using this self isolation time to ‘work on themselves’?

    My ex ‘sort-of, on-off boyfriend’ of 3 years got engaged 2 weeks ago. We had a quasi break up a year and a half ago and shortly after, he was in a real relationship. Soon after we met, his brother died and this led to a roller coaster situation for the next 3 years. I moved to a new city right around the time we ended things and I’m in a much better place now but I’d be lying if I said I’m not affected by this. Our relationship was toxic, he has substance abuse issues and I know I would not be happy with him but this has put me in a bit of funk. It’s also forced me to take stake of where I’m at in life- I’m not really happy with my job, I’m still settling into a new city where I’m trying to make new friends. And he’s happy? I really think this is kick in the butt I needed to stop going through the motions of life, do the work and start on a path to where I want to be.

    And then the world turned upside down so I’m back to feeling a little helpless about my situation. Not sure there’s any point applying to jobs right now or trying to date/be on dating apps given the current state of things. My therapist is thankfully continuing with virtual sessions but any tips (anything proactive I can do while stuck inside) would be appreciated!

    1. PX*

      Not quite the same but in a similar situation and nothing but situationally appropriate elbow bumps for you.

      Am about to get started on some homework my therapist gave me. So at least I feel like I’ll get some tangible work out of this.

      Im also still swiping somewhat on some dating apps but like you say, it’s quite weird because when you do match – what then? I’m generally not one for weeks of chatting (I always prefer to meet in person as I think that’s the only true way to judge chemistry) but in these times, I guess video calls may have to be the next best thing!

      Otherwise all the other advice that’d going around I guess. Exercise if you can. Get fresh air when you can. Try and maintain the relationships you do have. And stay as positive as you can. This too shall pass!

  75. Misty*

    Any tips for fixing your sleep schedule when it gets off track?

    I used to wake up at 6am, get coffee, drive an hour to college, do hw for an hour before classes, do classes, do errands in the city/eat lunch, drive home, walk the dog, cook dinner or meet friends, read/internet and then go to bed around 10pm.

    But my sleep has shifted in the last week where I go to bed around 11pm, fall asleep around midnight, wake up at four am or five am and then cannot fall back asleep until 8am then I sleep until about noon. :/ I don’t know how to make some sort of compelling routine in order to get it back on track.

    I use melatonin at night, aromatherapy diffuser w lavendar in it, and a weighted blanket. These have always helped. I also use those glasses that block the blue light rays (or so they say). But I used to also go to acupuncture one to three times a week since 2015 in order to sleep well. I haven’t gone since the end of Feb because they closed for the month of march. I just want to try to get a better night’s rest so I don’t feel so groggy all day.

    1. Natalie*

      My husband did CBT for insomnia a while back and the primary thing they had him do was reset by waking up at the same time every day. 7 days a week, no exceptions. He could go to bed whenever he was tired, and he could nap as much as he wanted once he had been awake for 3 hours or so.

      The first week was rough but it did work. The downside is figuring out a time that works for weekdays and weekends.

        1. No Name Yet*

          Good luck! It can be really hard, but it’s a really effective method for getting sleep back on track.

          1. Misty*

            Thanks! I have to start waking up by 10am for my online classes this upcoming week anyways so I may as well get into some sort of routine.

  76. nep*

    Dry skin. Suggestions for oils or products that soothe dry skin? I’ve got terribly dry skin on my legs and bum. Not red or scaly or anything–just really dry and rough to the touch. I think it will help to start showering with warm water instead of super hot. And I realise it could be linked to something internal (nutrition, nutrient deficiency) and I need to explore that. But I wonder if something topical can bring some relief? I prefer as close to nature as possible–not a lot of chemicals. Thanks for any suggestions.

    1. Retail not Retail*

      I don’t know if this is too chemical based but when I had a crippling eczema infection, I swore by eucerin.

      Now I’m lucky and can tolerate other brands. Anything using butter in its name has the right texture for me.

      Texture is key – you want something that feels good and you’ll use. So prepare for trial and error.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have dry itchy skin and started using Ultra Repair Cream from First Aid Beauty. It works amazingly well for me, and the last time I bought it I went for the grapefruit scent, which is very light. Caveat: the stuff is expensive at $35/jar, but it lasts a while.

    3. Osmoglossum*

      Sesame Oil – organic & unrefined. It works beautifully. I buy a large-ish bottle, decant some into a smaller glass bottle and add my own essential oils (currently on a bergamot kick). Immediately after showering/bathing massage into wet skin.

      Also, consider dry brushing before shower/bath.

      1. Reba*

        That sounds nice! I use the Neutrogena body oil religiously, which is at least partly sesame oil! I actually put in on while still in the shower.

        For soap or body wash, there are two Eucerin products for dry skin… one is in a yellow bottle and one is white. Both are fantastic. They don’t suds up but they do rinse off nicely without the “tight” feeling of dry skin after a hot shower.

      1. StellaBella*

        Drink more water, add some good oils to your diet, and warm showers followed by olive oil on skin. Rub it in well. Good luck!

        1. Clisby*

          Second olive oil. Usually, I use Aveeno or Eucerin, but anytime I get olive oil on my hands while cooking I rub it into my skin; it feels really good.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think you probably know this but there might be someone reading who finds it of some value.
      Skin gets treatment from both sides: inside and out.

      So adding healthy oils to the diet or being more deliberate about eating healthy oils daily is a good strategy.

      With supplements, I had crazy fast results with black currant seed oil. I think it was about a week, probably less, and I had a huge difference. The problem is that currant seed oil is spendy stuff.

      I suspect you have looked at your soap long before now. But you might want to look at it again and compare it to other options. I use a luffa for bathing. This is also helpful as it gives a gentle massage to microscopic blood vessels and helps keep them to moving nutrition to the skin’s surface. I did not like my luffa sponge at first. It felt too coarse. I put it away for a week and I realized that my skin was not as clean. I could feel a soapy residue. I dragged the luffa back out and I have used it ever since.

      I have hard water here. So when I take a tub (not a shower) sometimes I will add baking soda to the water. This can be a cheap supportive measure, too.

    7. Policy wonk*

      Eucerin or Cetaphil are good. Expensive, but the “comparable” store brands are hit or miss.

    9. Ethyl*

      I’ve been having great results with dry brushing every couple of days. There’s a lot of wackadoo claims about it out there, but one thing it works really well for is exfoliating! Just don’t do it too often, follow with a warm but not hot shower, and use a moisturizing body wash or soap and of course follow with one of the excellent lotion or oil suggestions above.

    10. Fikly*

      I don’t know how natural it is, but I swear by Aquaphor. It’s the only thing that saves my lips from my CPAP. And I have slathered it all over my legs/feet after they have spent 2+ months in casts and it has brought them back to life.

    11. Generic Name*

      I have friends who swear by coconut oil. I use Bag Balm on my hands which get dry and crack in the winter. Bag Balm has petroleum jelly and lanolin, so it’s not terribly natural and definitely not vegan.

    12. Panthera uncia*

      My husband has psoriasis and has greatly benefited from changing soap. I buy homemade olive oil soap from a family-owned Greek grocery.

      I love squalene oil for winter legs–those itchy scaly spots that I absent-mindedly scratch into an angry red fire. I use Timeless brand because it’s olive-derived, some brands are made from shark liver.

  77. Meghan*

    Does anyone have any tips or advice on how to fix thin, soft and damaged nails? For the last 20 years I have had long acrylic nails (I got my first set for my 16th birthday and I was hooked). I got them filled every 2 weeks and had a brand new set every 6 weeks. My 36th birthday was just before everything started closing down. Since my regular place and all other places were due to close the next day, there wasn’t enough time for me to get my nails filled or a new set. Since no one knows how long everything being shut down is going to last (it could be weeks or months), my nail tech had just enough time to remove my acrylics and I left the salon with only my own nails and unpolished. My real nails are so soft. They are as thin as paper and even worse when wet. They break if I so much as look at them wrong. They are nubs with no white free edge because they break rather than grow. I’m afraid they are going to start peeling. If there is a cold breeze or cold or hot water from the tap or shower I can feel it in my nails and they hurt. Seeing how damaged they are has made me decide to never get acrylics (or even try gel or powder dip or anything else) ever again. I feel so stupid for wasting money all these years just to absolutely destroy my real nails. Does anyone know of any products and/or nail care routines that will help? I don’t own any nail related items besides the clippers I use on my toenails since I had everything done at the nail salon. I’m willing to buy online since all the stores are shut down at the moment. If anyone has any tips or knowledge to share I’d very much appreciate it :)

    2. OyHiOh*

      So Sally Hanson line has a couple good clear top coat products you might use while your nails start to heal. The one that would probably be best for you is the “strength” top coat.

      Mostly, you’re going to have to wait till your nail beds (the growth area under the nail) heal and brand new nail replaces the old. There are “hair and nail” supplements that may help, if you’re so inclined. The top coat will just protect so they’re less likely to peel, and your finger nails won’t be as sensitive to wind and temperature changes.

      When your nails are eventually healthy (may take upwards of a few months), I’d recommend filing over clipping, and you may like the look of buffing out the nail (there are 4 sided foam blocks for this) rather than polish and manicure. I think that filing is less harsh on nails, and you can get a shape you like more easily. Lots of good tutorials on the search engines but steer away from longer oval/almond shaped nails, at least initially. That shape is really hard to maintain with real nails and tends to break easily. I keep mine squared, with a rounded edge – practical, but looks like I put the effort in to maintain them.

    3. Imtheone*

      I used a nai polish for damaged nails and it was much less drying than regular polish. Might be a good transition till your nails grow out.

    4. Sara(h)*

      I strongly recommend OPI Nail Envy — original formula. Do not get the formula for cracked nails, which is crap, just get the original formula only. I had splitting and cracked nails from a medication I was taking, and this really turned them around. It also dries very quickly! And it genuinely strengthens the nail; even after you remove the nail envy, your nail beneath it is transformed. You should follow the directions — 2 coats at first, then one every other day, then remove and start over each week. Good luck!

      2. Nualla*

        Yup, Nail Envy’s the one I use on my weak nails. Makes all the difference. Also get a good nail oil and massage in regularly (I do this before bed each night).

    5. Jdc*

      You have to just let them grow. I’d keep them short so you don’t deal with breaking. Use cuticle oil every day to keep them moisturized. You really just have to suck it up and get through a few grow outs before they will be healthy again. In the grand scheme that isn’t too long with nails. I like to keep a clear polish on at least to lower my chances of breaking since it gives me a bit more strength.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      You may want to look a calcuim and vitamin d (for absorption).

      Nails do need air to be healthy. I suspect that just by stopping with the nail routines you will get some good benefits.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If it’s any consolation, I was told by my old podiatrist that our nails grow fastest in the spring. So you picked a good time to have this happen.
      It may sound counterintuitive but I’d suggest moisturizer, because massaging it in can help increase blood flow.

      1. cat socks*

        I recently started using Nailtiques and for the first time noticed a difference in my nails. I’ve been taking biotin for a while too, but not sure how much that is helping. I found a bottle at Target.

    10. Reba*

      This may sound a little strange, but you might look at classical guitar players’ forums for tips on nail strengthening. Guitarists need longish but very strong nails! My spouse recommends a glass nail file to shape, rather than cutting with clippers. A topical product like Nail Envy plus a good oil or cream for the cuticles and hands will help with growth.

      The good thing is, they are going to keep growing! Don’t beat yourself up over this.

  78. Poonami*

    What to do with an old friend who behaves like a clingy ex-boyfriend? I haven’t seen this friend since I moved to a different city many years ago. Over the years she has initiated the occasional text here and there and sent random gifts; but otherwise had severely limited contact. Until a couple of months ago when she ramped up on the communication. She sent me long messages about how she had ill health for a year and wanted to know what was happening with my life. She wanted our kids to reconnect. (Our children hadn’t seen each other since they were toddlers). She says she’s been thinking of our past friendship and feeling sad missing me. She sent an article in which I had no interest and wanted to discuss it. She gets upset if I take more than a few hours to reply and asks me if I’m mad.

    I mentioned I wasn’t mad, but I was stressed and chatting with friends wasn’t a high priority that day. Since then she has been sending me encouraging/self-help videos even when I don’t reply.

    If this was an ex-boyfriend I would have found it ultra creepy and block him immediately. She doesn’t understand polite social cues to end the conversation. It only ends if I stop replying her; but she will initiate contact again. It was tolerable when the messages came a few times a year but I get the sense that she’d been lonely and socially isolated long before covid-19. But instead of trying to make new friends, she’s reaching out to me to try and revive our friendship when really, I have no interest.

    1. Misty*

      I don’t have an answer/advice for you but I’m very curious about what other people would suggest because I have the same problem with someone and it’s gotten worse in the last week or so.

      I always feel bad when I don’t want to revive friendships but a lot of the times there was a reason the friendship fizzled out in the first place. (Like location change as you mentioned, or change of jobs/schools, or people getting married/having kids, or having whatever you previously had in common gone.)

      1. valentine*

        If you would like to end it, tell her she wants more closeness and contact than you do and you can’t be what she wants or needs. I wouldn’t wish her well or anything, lest she take that as a sign to send you updates. Look out for an extinction burst and for her to push her kids to contact yours. (If so, tell your kids not to respond.)

        If you want to stay connected, just less — and I don’t mean that you’re willing to tolerate it in order to avoid a confrontation, hurt feelings, or a barrage from her, but that you actively want to be friends with her — tell her she wants more closeness/contact than you do, that you don’t want to match your kids, and that the sporadic level worked for you. Ask if that’s okay with her.

        I think it’s kind to tell people we’re just not that into them, instead of walking eggshells like they’d lay down in a ditch and die without us, or martyring ourselves as though we’re doing them a great service by barely tolerating them.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          “I think it’s kind to tell people we’re just not that into them, instead of walking eggshells like they’d lay down in a ditch and die without us, or martyring ourselves as though we’re doing them a great service by barely tolerating them.”

          I agree. If you want to end the friendship, or have much less contact, and want the person to truly get the message, you need to actually deliver the message in clear terms. Don’t assume she’ll take the hint–she hasn’t so far.

          A friend of mine has this issue with a friend of hers. She’d prefer to be in contact way less than what the friend wants, but rather than tell her that, she just limits contact by not calling or texting, or not answering calls or texts, which makes the friend think she’s mad at her or that she’s just not home, which then makes the friend step up her efforts to contact her even more. She also makes up excuses to not hang out (“I’m busy that day,” “I’m tired,” etc.), which makes the friend think she will be available a different day, which means she’s trying to find other dates. I told her she needs to tell her friend what she wants and what works for her, but she won’t do it. She just continues on with skirting around it, hoping the friend will take a hint because she hates confrontation and “feels bad.” (I’d argue that it’s the friend who feels bad, because my friend isn’t telling her why she’s not calling or texting or making plans. She’s being rejected and has no idea why.) The result is a lot of work for both of them. I truly don’t get it.

          1. Misty*

            I’m always cautious about telling people I want less contact out right because I had a friend I did that too about three years ago and it ended very poorly. As in they were going through other things at the time that I didn’t know about because we weren’t very close and my conversation with them was the straw that broke the camels back per say. I know it’s not my fault, but it made me scared to stand up to people directly in the future, even in a kind way because I don’t want anyone to feel alone or hurt or like they have no one to turn to.

            But just because that happened with one person, doesn’t mean it’ll happen with someone else. Or so my therapist says.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      She’s probably stuck at home now and has plenty of time to do this.

      Perhaps you can try saying, “I am doing well here but I am super busy so I will not be able to respond to most of your messages.”
      Then don’t respond.

      I had a person in my life who was involved in a shared group activity. She bombed us with emails. I tried responding and rationalizing with her. Finally, I just said, “I don’t have time for all these emails.” That was the end of that.

  79. Not A Manager*

    Who remembers how to play jacks? I recall an endless game of ever-more-difficult “tricks” to be performed with first one, then two, then three jacks all the way up to the full set of six.

    All I can remember now is the simple “toss the ball, pick up the right number of jacks, catch the ball, put the retrieved jacks aside” basic set, and the second trick which was “don’t put the retrieved jacks aside, keep them in your hand while you pick up the next group.”

    But I have a vague recollection of having to toss the jacks over the back of your hand, and a whole bunch of other variations.

    Any help would be appreciated. I am playing FaceTime jacks with my young relatives tomorrow.

    1. nep*

      FaceTime jacks. How fun.
      I hadn’t thought of jacks in aaaages. I can’t help…I remember only that first basic variation you noted.
      I might have to find some jacks now.
      Enjoy.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Tapsies. You tossed the ball up, grabbed a jack or whatever number of jacks you were on, and tapped at least one of them on the ground before catching the ball.

    3. Crazy Broke Asian*

      Oh so that’s what it’s called in English! When I was a kid, one of the tricks we played was: bounce the ball, drop all the jacks, catch the ball. bounce the ball again, try to arrange as many jacks as you can in a straight line before the ball bounces for the second time, catch the ball. repeat until all the jacks are in a straight line.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Oh, man, does this take me back! I don’t think I’ve seen anyone playing jacks since roughly 1960 (I was 8). I do recall there was a progression of tricks, but as I was hopelessly inept at the most basic version I never got far enough to tackle them.

      I was pretty good at hop-scotch, though!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We played them at Girl Scout camp in the mid70s… but I brought the set, and I had a lot of old-fashioned toys because my siblings are so much older than me.

    5. Cardsfan*

      Now I need to add jacks to my shopping list when I go during senior shopping hour next week.

    6. Reba*

      This made me think of POGS…. Any 90s kids in here? Bueller?

      I truly cannot remember what on earth we did to play with them, although I had a number of tubes full.

      1. Fikly*

        Oh, POGS, ha! I haven’t thought of those in forever. What did we do with those, beyond trade them?

      2. Generic Name*

        My sister was into pogs. I was a bit too old for them I guess. What I think is really funny is here in CO some of the cannabis shops sell product in what looks like pogs containers. Lol

      3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I remember POGS! I had a crush on another kid in my middle school who was really into them, so I bought some so we could play together. I was really, really bad at it, so I pretty much awkwardly lost most of my POGS to him once during morning break and then gave up on that particular plan. (It was clear he felt bad about the degree to which he was winning, so this was not going to work as an ongoing plan to hang out even if I was willing to go buy more POGS every day at the store, which I was not.)

        I remember that you had a heavy weight that you’d throw at them and try to get them to flip over, but there were probably some additional nuances that I don’t remember (assuming I ever knew them).

    7. Imtheone*

      There are some books about old-fashioned games. They probably have a description of various jacks games. My mother tried to show me some, but as I never had anyone to play with, I never got very good at it.

      Reminds me of my father showing us various marbles games!

    8. Jedi Squirrel*

      You can Google this! I just googled “how to play jacks” and got over 99,000,000 hits. There are videos and websites that are preserving these old time games. Thank goodness the internet is using its power for good in this case!

  80. chi chan*

    I have been experimenting with cooking stuff in the microwave. I have now made scrambled eggs, porridge and chicken breasts in the microwave. This is a first for me. So please share your microwave recipes. I like spicy stuff too.

    1. misspiggy*

      Mug cakes! There are several recipes online, but you put flour, oil, sugar etc in layers in a mug and microwave.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        Seriously, mug cakes. Easy, easy easy.

        If you have a store bought mix, even better.

      2. Fikly*

        Seconding mug cakes! I made a self-saucing one (it’s a British thing where somehow you end up with a cake plus a sauce at the bottom) once that was chocolate and gluten free and it was amazing. No longer have the recipe, sorry.

    2. BRR*

      I haven’t tried myself but i know multiple peole who swear by this bread made with almond flour. google “microwave almond flour bread.”

      1. Imtheone*

        I started using different power settings on the microwave, depending on what I was cooking or reheating. It made a big difference – more even warming for some things that are dense, for example.

    3. Emma*

      Popcorn! But not the premade kind. Basically you buy the kernels, buy some brown paper bags, put the kernels in the bag (if you do approximately a single layer of kernels at the bottom of the bag that’s a good place to start), and then heat it up until you hear longer pauses between popping (takes about 2 min in my microwave). Once done you can season as you wish!

      1. Jaid*

        I have the stovetop spinning popcorn maker (outside handle powers the spinner inside). Put on the burner, a little oil, some salt and sugar, the kernels and bam. Kettle corn.

    5. Sandra*

      Pudding. The cooked kind. It’s sooooo much better than instant pudding. The recipe is on the cooked pudding box.

  81. coffee cup*

    I should go for a run. It’s sunny, I haven’t been in a week, it’ll probably do me some good. But I am *so tired* and have no desire to run at all. I used to like running, so I don’t know what has happened. Hopefully it’s just temporary. I just want to sleep a lot and stay inside. I think the change in everything is affecting me but I wanted to make the most of the time by feeling better and doing healthy things. Now I’m just beating myself up for being rubbish.

    I guess I am hoping others have had a similar exercise slump and how to get back into it?

    1. university minion*

      The only way for me is to force myself out there to do it. I know it’ll be okay (and even a good stress relief) once I’m out there running, but getting out the door is SO HARD.
      Get dressed, put your shoes on and brute force your way out the door. After a week or so, it gets easier. I struggle mightily with consistency – it’s nothing for “I’m skipping today” to become “I’m skipping this month”, and to be clear, I do actually enjoy running.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        When I did PT stuff at the gym, I’d go every other day because I knew every day would be too demanding and too easy to slip up on. It helped that they did say don’t do it every day. But picking a thing worked and oh i was off balance when the rec center closed.

        I know saying “can’t find the motivation? Just do it” sounds like useless advice but sometimes you gotta. It’s my day off I slept in a decadent 30 minutes and my bed is comfortable but miss thing is nowhere to be found otherwise I would have been pushed out by now.

        Are you working from home? Don’t work a solid 8 hours chop it up and go outside! Your coworkers won’t care if you’re in your running clothes.

        Also grain of salt – i’m frequently injured and when i find movement that doesn’t hurt i latch onto it.

        1. coffee cup*

          Oh yeah, unfortunately I know I just have to do it… I’m just so bad at doing it right now, ha! I would usually be out of the door even if it was difficult, but today it just was not happening. Yeah I need to go running during the week to break things up, definitely.

    2. Retail not Retail*

      It’s a basic idea, but what about taking a walk? Along your running route, not along it. It can be a loop around the block.

      I am so tired sometimes after work and the dog has my mom and a big back yard and she is not dying, but let’s go. And with the later sunsets, I was able to cheat and nap after work yesterday.

      This advice is useless NOW but I used to go to the gym for PT/strengthening exercises and I even added in running before discovering my hip is not that healed. I’m the kind of depression person that says get the routine and go. Last year I went to classes at the Y including a 5am yoga class once before again, the hip said things. That was HARD in the summer, going right after work.

      Long story short – go on a walk. You don’t have to do a big thing. Turn back if you get tired. But a little bit.

      (Quite biased by someone who loses her mind when still and truly believes staying in was depression behavior so may have the hyperactive part of ADHD so huuuuge grain of salt.)

      1. noahwynn*

        Going for a walk is my suggestion too. Get dressed like you’re going for a run. If you feel like running along the way, then run. If not, no shame in walking.

        1. coffee cup*

          I just had my mother on the phone telling me not to even go for a walk, which I don’t think is necessary… I have no symptoms and am not ill. I’m just self-isolating like I’m supposed to, but I think fresh air (away from people!) is OK…

          1. Retail not Retail*

            My mom’s cured of going to the store (they’re all so rude!) and she worked in the yard yesterday best as she could. Once it dries out (if that happens before life returns to normal) she’ll walk the dog along their special route.

            Even the strictest rules in the US don’t ban going outdoors if you can maintain distance. My job is closed but is within a park that has closed all amenities but we still see ambulatory folks staying away from each other. Something they did not do at my job.

            Also if you’re in my region you picked a terrible time to ask stupid rain – but I got up early enough to beat it and walk an hour.

            You got this!

          2. Trixie*

            Absolutely, we need fresh air and movement more than ever. In my neighborhood, I see homebound families, couples, roommates, individuals, etc taking advantage of good weather. (Not in a crowds or groups.) I too would start with a walk and enjoy the time outdoors.

    3. Retail not Retail*

      Internet strangers also say don’t beat yourself up, it’s counter productive and you’ll associate running with shame. Don’t do it to avoid feeling bad, do it to feel good. Come up with whatever mental gymnastics get you out the door.

      /also mega grain of salt i used to go hiking on basic trails in an urban wilderness bc i worked 2:30 to 11 and one time my friend who did not have work and I hiked to the mt leconte lodge in june. I have also said 20 minute wait for the bus? I’m walking. What I’m saying is i’m a hyperactive idiot

    4. Autumn leaves*

      First, don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re doing what you can in these weird times.
      Second, try getting out there and walking. Sometimes muscle memory kicks in and you might find yourself wanting to pick up the pace. Even if you keep it at a walk, that’s good for your body and your mental health

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      This may not work for you, but when I don’t feel like running, just the simple act of putting my sneakers on really helps me to be far likelier to do it. But, yeah, it’s okay, as others have mentioned, to not go. It’s okay also to walk instead of run. You definitely don’t need to beat yourself up “for being rubbish.”

      1. Reba*

        Sometimes I just stretch, so at least I feel like I’m doing something with my body.

        Then sometimes after stretching, I start to feel like doing a little more.

  82. Aurora Leigh*

    How much advance notice is enough if we need to change our wedding plans?

    We mailed invites around the 1st of March for our May 16 wedding. Mostly family, but they are spread across the country. I don’t want to call off the wedding yet, but what you consider the must decide by date?

    We will probably proceed with a legal ceremony if possible so I can have access to his health insurance if needed, but reschedule the party part if needed.

    1. noahwynn*

      Generally, the sooner the better. However, airlines (and other travel companies) are being more flexible right now. I’d say you can wait until May 1st or so, about two weeks prior.

    2. Llellayena*

      My thoughts are no later than May 1, but inform your guests now that it’s a possibility and you understand if they don’t want to attend. Same for all the people you hired (venue, caterer, florist, etc.) as they may decide they aren’t available. 2.5 weeks should be enough to cancel and is far enough out that the caterer and such probably hasn’t ordered the supplies yet, which would be a bigger loss for them. Anyone in a wedding related business, please confirm my assumptions on timeline!

    3. Anono-me*

      I would suggest keeping an eye on the airline cancellation policy. If I were invited to your wedding I would want to know a few days before the deadline to cancel my ticket and get a full refund.

      It might be helpful to share with family that you are considering this. This is probably something at least some of them are worrying about.

      Have you also considered a live stream of whatever ceremony you do have? That way people can attend virtually even if they can’t be there in person.

      Also, you may want to look into getting legally married or atleast the marriage license now. I know in my state, some of the counties have closed the offices that issue marriage licenses to the public. (I don’t know if the offices are still processing the completed application in issuing the certified copies necessary for changing your insurance and ability to make medical decisions for each other.)

      Congratulations on finding the love of your life and best wishes on your future together!

      1. Washi*

        Yes, if I were a guest, I would appreciate a message saying something like “we are considering postponing our wedding and will let you know our decision by X date.”

    4. Lady Jay*

      As someone who’s had a number of professional conferences cancelled this year, the sooner the better helps with planning. I appreciated about a month out?

      Also, I’m so sorry – I can’t imagine the disappointment of having to reschedule your *wedding*.

    5. Green Kangaroo*

      I can understand not wanting to cancel, but I would give thought to what needs to happen, quickly, for it to go as you’ve planned. Is that likely? All evidence at this point indicates that things will get much worse before they get better. I think you’re better off to decide now to reschedule. I’m so sorry.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I would recommend contacting your vendors and seeings what kind of timeline they need (when would the caterer have already bought the food and so forth) given the current circumstances. Build your decision timeline around mitigating as many losses as you can both for yourself and others.

      (I have a large non-wedding event coming up later this year, and that’s what I’m doing – a big chart of when money is spent for each thing so I know when the big go/no go decision days are in terms of money-related things.)

    7. In your shoes*

      I just postponed my own wedding (originally May 1). There is no “must decide by” date, you could show up the day of and find out that orders to quarantine have gone into effect. But you need to weigh the following aspects, which is what led us to postpone:

      -Will you still be able to have a gathering of people on that date? Of course no one knows what will happen in the future but many states are implementing policies that may make it impossible for you to have a wedding at all. I believe the CDC has advised against gatherings of 50+ for 8 weeks?

      -How many people are traveling to your wedding? Will they be able to travel still (flights and so on are being canceled, ones that aren’t are a nightmare)? Do you have guests in at-risk groups (age, health. located in a hotspot)? What if they carry it to your wedding, what if they catch something at the wedding and carry it back? Your guests are probably worried about whether they can and should attend. What can you do to assuage their concerns?

      -Are your/your guests accommodations still OK (many hotels are shutting down)? What about your venue?

      -Are all of your vendors still available? Events are gravely affected by this and if you go forward your guests will come into contact with staff who have been to multiple large events recently. How does that fit into your risk assessment?

      -How many deposits have you made right now, and how much could you save by calling it off/postponing now, vs. after those final deposits?

      -What would it look like (logistically, financially) to postpone, to proceed with legal ceremony and have reception later, to cancel at the last minute, etc.?

      +++Take a look at your contracts, many should have a clause about “force majeure” aka “act of God” meaning if the wedding must be canceled for some unpredictable reason that affects you all. You may be able to invoke this to reschedule your wedding with little penalty. Talk to your vendors! We were able to keep everyone and pick a later date.

  84. Anon5775*

    If you remember my post last week, I asked about hives and how to distinguish them from things like bed bug bites. I’ve learned that bed bug bites typically show up on exposed skin. Well, since it’s still winter where I am, I am in long pants and long sleeve shirt when I sleep so I think it really is hives. They are also pretty large, irregular sized welts. Anyway, any awesome home remedy tips or tips of any kind on how to ease the itch, etc? Thanks in advance.

    1. Policy wonk*

      The only times I have had hives they’ve been caused by allergies. Benadryl took care of most of it, oatmeal baths helped ease the itch of those that remained. Good luck treating yours – sending positive vibes.

      1. Millicent*

        Yup, benedryl or generic version of benedryl. I broke out in a ton of hives every night for two weeks a few years ago. Doctors all said to just take benedryl at night (it can make you drowsy). Eventually the hives stopped on their own; never figured out what caused it.

        1. Anon5775*

          Yup, I’m doing lots of Benadryl but it seems like hives are notoriously hard to figure out what’s causing them, which is frustrating.

          1. Ali G*

            Have you started any new medications? I get the worst hives from sulfa-based drugs. It’s pretty common, and you typically don’t know you are allergic until you get a sulfa-based drug.

          2. Millicent*

            I had to do full blown allergy testing – like 40ish pinpricks on my back and arm – and the dr didn’t really find anything that caused it. He said sometimes it’s just stress!

    2. JDC*

      My bed bugs don’t find my clothes to be any problem and the bites were much bigger than what you see online due to me having An allergic reaction.

      1. Anon5775*

        Oh really? I did check my bedding but I’ll have to check again. I have had hives before from allergic reactions to meds so that’s why I think these are hives. I was on a new migraine vitamin mix called Migravent but I stopped that right away and that was about 2 wks ago. And they seem to be getting itchier instead of going away. I think it may be stress related. I’ve never had stress related hives before, but I’ve never dealt with what we’re dealing with now before either.

        1. misspiggy*

          You could try a different antihistamine instead of Benadryl to see if that works better for you. I find Cetirizine a good one.

        2. Jdc*

          Check underneath (bottom) or the box spring and corners. Behind the headboard. I never saw one on our sheets but picked that baby up and good lord. Also they love inside the box spring. That cover on the bottom is easy for them to get through.

    3. Chaordic One*

      Hydrocortisone Cream (such as Benadryl Cream, but there are other brands and generic and store brand versions) works well. There is also Hydrocortisone Ointment (which is great for many things) but it doesn’t seem to absorb into the skin as well as the cream and is a bit messier. Some anti-itch creams contain Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride and they seem to work well. There’s also old-fashioned Calamine Lotion.

    4. I Want To Go Outside.*

      Poison Ivy cream. I buy it every time I visit the USA, because we don’t have poison ivy in the UK. The one I use is called Ivarest and it is a mix of calomine, pain killer and anti histamine and it dries with a protective rubbery skin over the welt.

      I get these from time to time. I call them stress blisters. They need anxiety or stress to start them off plus heat and/or pressure. Sometimes mine swell so much that the outer layer of skin is lifted off by a blister.

      The trick is to get the Ivarest onto it as soon as you feel it so that the topical anti histamine gets to work to stop the swelling. If they blister, stick a bandaid over the blister so that you don’t scratch or knock it open.

      A good topical anti histamine cream will also take down the swelling, but for pain/itch relief and sealing up and drying up burst blisters nothing works as well as Ivarest.

      Do you think you might be slightly overheating at night? It might be worth sleeping with fewer layers to see if that helps.

      1. Mimosa Jones*

        ohhhhh. I had “bites” under my bra band last summer and just couldn’t figure it out. I thoroughly cleaned the bedrooms, took apart the beds, encased the box springs, and set out bed bug traps. Nothing. no one else was bitten. I figured it was either bed bugs or fleas from a friend’s house but the bites didn’t fit those critters either. I do wear my bra very tight at the band, And it was summer, so maybe that’s what it was. I’ll have to keep an eye out.

      2. Anon5775*

        Yes, they are more prevalent where there’s the least air circulation/where I’m the warmest. Like if my arm is bent under my pillow a bit, there will be lots in my inner elbow. But I think that just makes them worse, I don’t know if that’s the main cause. I’m thinking it’s caused by stress. But it’s helping to get your ideas, everyone. I ordered some Cetirizine to try that and see if it’s better than Benadryl.

  85. Damn it, Hardison!*

    Oh, you have my sympathy! I had full body hives once and it was the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been. I second the Benadryl and oatmeal bath. Aveeno make a bath treatment with oatmeal, a body wash, and a lotion as well (search “Aveeno oatmeal” on Amazon).

  86. Damn it, Hardison!*

    Does anyone have suggestions for beauty, lifestyle or true crime websites? For reference, I like Refinery 29, and the Cut. I’m especially interested in “women’s” sites that skew more middle age than say The Everygirl (which I like, but not really their demographic).

    1. cat socks*

      These are some fashion blogs I like that have a mix of beauty and lifestyle:

      Wardrobe Oxygen
      The Work Edit (aka Capitol Hill Style)
      Makeup and Beauty Blog
      The Stripe
      You Look Fab
      Savvy Southern Chic
      Putting Me Together
      Jo-Lynne Shane

    2. Nervous Nellie*

      On the AARP website, there is a new newsletter page called The Girlfriend, targeted to Gen X women. The posts are infrequent, but some are quite good reading.

    3. Sunflower*

      It’s not a website but I really enjoy Self Magazine/Instagram account. It’s very real women/real life based and there’s very little ‘influencer’ type content. All of their articles are written with actual experts.

  87. WellRed*

    So filing taxes this year has been a pain for various reasons. I started with TaxAct, there’s an error that I cant go back to correct and I can’t get in touch with an agent. I used TA last year.
    I then did my taxes with TurboTax since I couldn’t correct (as far as I can tell) TA. Unfortunately, in order to file electronically, I need some sort of pin that is associated with last year’s taxes? However, I cannot access last year’s taxes either through TA or anywhere else (trust me on this). Is my only option to paper file? Am I missing something? This whole spring can just go away!

    1. WellRed*

      Adding: I don’t remember creating this pin at all and it says if I guess incorrectly, return will be rejected.

    2. fposte*

      I received my PIN in a paper letter from the IRS. I don’t think they provide them via other methods, but I could be wrong.

      But in case you didn’t hear, the filing deadline has been moved to July; if you’re getting a refund I can understand still wanting to do it when you can, but you’ve got time if you need it.

      1. WellRed*

        I want my refund, especially with corona messing things up. Did the IRS just send a letter with that information? Did you request it that way?

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I believe the FILING deadline is still the same, only the PAYMENT deadline has been pushed back.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Huh. A friend who is an accountant told me earlier in the week that filing deadline hadn’t changed, but now the IRS website seems to indicate that’s not the case anymore – ignore me! Blink and it’ll change. :)

        2. MsChanandlerBong*

          The filing deadline has also been changed to July 15, per the IRS website.

          The Treasury Department and Internal Revenue Service announced today that the federal income tax filing due date is automatically extended from April 15, 2020, to July 15, 2020.

          Taxpayers can also defer federal income tax payments due on April 15, 2020, to July 15, 2020, without penalties and interest, regardless of the amount owed. This deferment applies to all taxpayers, including individuals, trusts and estates, corporations and other non-corporate tax filers as well as those who pay self-employment tax.

    3. Skeeder Jones*

      I filed both state and federal for free on Credit Karma and I didn’t have last year’s information either. It did ask me for what I filed for last year but I just entered a number as close to what I could remember and was able to complete it.

    4. Imtheone*

      For my taxes, there were two pins: the pin that goes along with the signature, which can be automatically generated or which I could make up, and the pin that helps assure protection from identity theft. We had identity theft of our taxes some years ago. The identity theft pin came in a letter from the IRS.

    5. blaise zamboni*

      Can you file with H&R Block instead? I know it’s a pain to do it over, but I had to file with them this year (used TurboTax the previous 3 years) and I didn’t need a PIN to do so. I hope you figure it out!

    6. Natalie*

      If it’s a PIN associated with last years taxes it’s probably one you set yourself, rather than an identify theft PIN from the IRS. Typically any time you efile you’ll need the PIN or your AGI from last year, or else you have to mail. Is there any way you have the AGI written down somewhere else?

  88. Dee-Nice*

    My kid’s daycare is shutting down. It’s a big corporate chain. I found out the teachers are guaranteed two weeks’ pay, and then can opt to work at one of the hub centers that are staying open for essential workers’ kids. This strikes me as an abundantly crappy choice for teachers given the current circumstances. I was thinking I’d take the tuition I’m getting refunded for the next month and pay half directly to each of the two teachers who work in my kid’s room. My question is… do I keep doing this? When no one currently has any idea when it will be safe to open daycares again? If they were my personal employees my responsibility would be clear, but as it is I’m a little lost. What’s fair here?

    1. valentine*

      I would imagine they’re not allowed to accept and that it would impact anything income-based they have going on, including taxes when they declare it as income.

      1. Dee-Nice*

        I know they’re allowed to accept monetary gifts on holidays, etc. The only thing is this would be a significantly larger amount. Not sure how much that changes things.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      That would be a very kind and generous thing for you to do. On a much smaller scale, I’m paying my housekeeper (she comes every other week) as long as my husband and I are getting paid. I feel like it’s a small thing I can do in all of this craziness. I’m sure even if you could only do that for a month it would be much appreciated by your caregivers.

    3. Not A Manager*

      This is not a decision you need to make now. If you can afford it now, give them the money now. Next month you can decide whether to do it again.

      1. Dee-Nice*

        This is a good point: that I don’t need to decide now. I suppose I’m still not used to the overwhelming uncertainty!

  89. The Other Dawn*

    I just found out my SIL, my late brother’s wife, has Alzheimer’s and she’s in her early 60s with no know cases of it in her family. She mentioned lesions on the brain and her skull. My cousin, who talked to her first, mentioned something metastasizing to the bone marrow, so I’m thinking there could be cancer, too, but I’m not sure yet. SIL is having her son call the doctor tomorrow to get the full rundown since she’s having a hard time remembering what the doctor said the other day.

    I feel so bad for her and her family. She lost my brother to esophageal cancer after 10 years of marriage and now she has this to deal with. He was her rock, her soft place to fall, and now he’s gone. He was also the person who was responsible for her getting her severe mental health issues under control, which made it possible for her to mend fences with her adult kids. Because of that, she has family to lean on and a couple of her kids are close by, so I’m glad she’s not alone. In addition, her daughter may be coming from WA to visit in May. Although that’s not certain due to the coronavirus and the daughter’s immune system issues.

    UGH, my heart breaks for my SIL.

    1. Chaordic One*

      You have my sympathy. This is a sad situation. I’m sure that you’ll be there, as much as you can, for your SIL. Sometimes, just being in contact with her and listening to her, or being with her if she doesn’t want to, or can’t, talk, is the best thing in the world you can do.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Heart breaks for her too and you. It sounds like your brother was amazing, and a real rock for her – and this would all be so much harder if not for the path he helped her get on.
      Sending my warm thoughts.

  90. Pharmgirl*

    Baking question! I’ve been meaning to ask for a while and keep forgetting. What do you use to proof your baked goods? I’m guessing unlike Bake off most people don’t have the proofing drawer. I live in New England and my house doesn’t get very warm unless it’s summer and the ac is off. Right now I stick the dough in a cold oven with the oven light on. I think it works? But I’m not sure if it’s warm enough to rise properly. Just looking to see what others do. Thanks!

    1. Not A Manager*

      Put a cup of water in a microwave-safe cup and microwave it for a few minutes until it comes to a boil. Put the dough (in a covered bowl or bread pan) into the microwave with the hot water, close the door, and let it rise. If you’re using commercial yeast, your bread will rise VERY quickly so keep an eye on it. If you’re doing a no-added-yeast sourdough, it will take about half as long as it would at room temp.

      1. Not A Manager*

        If you try this and you find that the dough rises too fast, you can notch the system down by doing the following:

        Bring water to a boil in a small saucepan. Once it’s reached a boil, turn your oven to its lowest setting for about 2 minutes. Turn the oven off. Put the pan of boiling water into the oven. Place your covered dough in the oven. Close door.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      That’s exactly what I do in the coldest months. My apartment runs warm so I often leave things to rise on the island in my kitchen.

    3. OyHiOh*

      I put the oven on its lowest setting, put a heavy cutting board on top of the oven, and put my dough on the cutting board, covered with a warm cloth. If it’s a cold day, I’ll wrap the bowl in another towel. Generally takes about ninety minutes for a “full batch” (6-ish cups of flour) recipe. I don’t like dough to rise super fast because when yeast works slower, you get more flavor in the finished product.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I turn the oven on to the lowest temperature for a couple of minutes, then turn it off and put the dough. I’ve also used a heating pad set on low under the bowl (metal works well here).

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We use the bowl of hot water with the door closed, or have the oven on low with the door open.
      (I actually do have a warming drawer at the moment, but it’s an old oven that came with this house and I hope to not have it much longer because it has other issues.)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Also, I’ve been known to cover the bowl with a damp towel and put the whole thing next to a radiator.

    6. BRR*

      I just got a new toaster oven that’s gigantic and has a proof setting. I’ll oven do the oven with a pan of steaming water. Or I’ll just do a longer proof if I have time.

    7. Valancy Snaith*

      If there’s a sunny spot in your kitchen, the warm sunlight can often be enough to tip the balance from “cool” to “warm.” I’ve also raised bread dough all over the house following the sunny spots!

      If it’s very cold like it’s been here the last few days (dropping to -16 C overnight), I’ll turn the oven on to about 200, then as soon as it’s preheated turn it off and give it a few minutes before popping the covered bread dough in there. It cools off quickly enough that it doesn’t get too hot and raises the dough nicely.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      We have a gas fireplace so I’ve set things on the ground near that (covered) before in winter.

  91. Panthera uncia*

    My neighbor and his wife hate each other, and he spends as much time as he can in his oversized garage. He rebuilds small engine products and resells them, which is not actually legal in our zoning area, but whatever. Now that everyone is stuck at home, he has been playing Mr. Fixit nonstop. Since last Monday I have heard nothing but doors slamming every five minutes, them screaming at each other, Sawzall and hammering noises, engines backfiring, chainsaws and snowblowers running, etc.

    Turns out that corona has motivated me to social distance in a new way. I’m staring longingly at Red Fin for homes with multi-acre lots.

    Anyone else online window shopping for things they can’t afford?

    1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Ugh, my condolences. One of my neighbours is a Mr Fixit too. I’ve been checking out real estate portals. Not that I can do something about it right now, though.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Flat farmland. I love the wildlife on my rocky hillside but dang I’d like to be able to plant things in the ground not in pots.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      I’ve been online “window shopping” for earrings when the news gets overwhelming. In actual fact the current pot of discretionary spending will go to the food bank or a similar direct-relief organization–also via online donation.

    4. Misty*

      I’ve been online shopping for maps. I go through all these cool websites, put them in my cart, know I can’t afford them, x out of the website, and then just go back to staring at my one real life map on my wall instead.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I keep looking at basset hounds. There are NONE up for adoption in my state right now, and even if I could convince a rescue in another state to do a long-distance adoption this is not the time for a road trip.

      I mean, I’m glad that all local bassets are cozy at home and not in shelters, but I would also like a dog to keep me company and remind me to get off the computer to eat snacks and go for walks. (The local shelter has closed for adoptions right now anyway, and before they did the only dog they had was a chihuahua, which is not the right kind of dog for me.)

    6. Julia*

      I also like looking at houses, and jewelry (stuff like Kataoka), which I don’t need and rarely even wear.

    7. Something Blue*

      I look through Etsy or Society6 for cool new artists. Sometimes I can afford stuff, sometimes it’s just a dream. But I have to know they exist before I can dream!

  92. Chrome question*

    Does anyone know how to edit Chrome’s dictionary or spellcheck? For example, every time I try to type my family member’s name “Murray” (like just now), it wants to correct it to Mur. So I want to remove “Mur” from its dictionary. Or add “Murray” to its dictionary. Normally I can figure this stuff out by googling, but I can’t solve this one! All the suggestions I find online seem to be obsolete.
    Same question for iPhone — how do I edit my iPhone’s dictionary to remove or add words (iPhone 6s)?
    Please and thank you!!

    2. Chrome question*

      Disregard – I set my mind to figuring this out, and it took me almost an hour of troubleshooting, but I finally figured out that it’s not Chrome — it’s my Mac keyboard settings. Yay!

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      In Chrome, you can add words to your custom dictionary by clicking the three dots, then settings, then advanced, then choosing “Customize spell check” under the “languages” options. (You can also remove previously-added custom dictionary words this way, which is useful if you’ve ever mis-clicked “add word to dictionary” when trying to fix the spelling of a word. I don’t see any way to remove things from the default dictionary, unfortunately. (I would like to remove the word tot from mine so that “tot he” will show up as misspelled.))

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      On your phone, something like a name or whatnot — go to settings > general > keyboard > text replacement, and just put the word that’s correct (a la Murray) in the required field. You can leave the “optional” field blank, and that’ll be enough for your phone to know that when you type “Murray” you mean it.

      You can also use that option to make your own autocorrections – I used to typo :$ instead of :) all the time, because of the layout of the iphone keyboard, so I set an autocorrect to change :$ to :) . I also have one that if I type “myphone” or “myaddress” or “myemail”, it’ll replace with the correct contact info, appropriately formatted.

  93. NoLongerYoung*

    Woo hoo… I will need to see pictures. I’ve had wonderful past foster big dogs and miss them so much. Envious in the nicest way….

  94. Former Employee*

    Animal Planet is playing endless (?) episodes of Too Cute!

    Puppies and kittens and ducks, oh my.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      No — we realized Humphrey prefers a home without young cats; he was getting stressed by our youngest two being so active around him. He’s in a quieter foster home now and doing well!

  96. R*

    State Income Tax Question
    I live in Kansas and haven’t filed my federal or state taxes yet. I haven’t even gathered items for my CPA. When the feds changed the filing date to July 15? 2020, I was hoping Kansas would follow. Not so far. Anyone have insider information/knowledge on this?
    TIA

    1. Dancing Otter*

      I do not practice tax accounting in the state of Kansas. This does not constitute professional or legal advice, just general guidance.

      Yes, the IRS deadline for filing and payment of 2019 individual income taxes has been extended to July 15, 2020. It’s up to the discretion of the individual states whether or not to follow suit. How they expect anyone to do their state taxes if they haven’t done the federal forms is, as my math book used to say, an exercise left for the student. /s

      Go to your state revenue department website, and look up “extension”. (It May be in the FAQs.) Many states automatically accept a federal extension (form 4868], while others want you to file their own version of an extension request.

      BTW, filing an actual extension gives you until October 15 to file your federal 1040. Payment of an amount reasonably close to the eventual tax balance is still due by the original deadline. If you get it wrong, the interest is fairly reasonable: it’s failure to file that racks up the serious penalties.

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