weekend open thread – June 20-21, 2020

by Alison Green on June 20, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Vanishing Half, by Brit Bennett. Twin sisters run away together from their small town founded by and for light-skinned black people. One returns later with her daughter, while the other builds a new life passing for white, cutting off ties to her family to keep her secret. It’s about race and identity and home, and I loved it.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  2. Union Alexander*

    Does anyone have any advice for improving your executive function? I’ve been living on my own (with roommates or actually alone) for the last two years and I feel like I’ve never gotten the hang of it. I know what I should be doing, and for the most part how to do it, I’m just…. not. As we speak I have a sinkload of dirty dishes and a basket of clean laundry to put away and I know my life will be easier and I’ll be happier if I take care of them, but there’s just something blocking my actual drive to get up and do it.

    I’d particularly like advice on changing mindsets and the way I think about things, because tricks and gimmicks tend to peter out pretty quickly.

    1. Vic Venti*

      I’ve had some success with the pomodoro technique – telling myself I’ll do x hated job/jobs for 20 or 30 minutes and setting a timer. Often by the time the timer goes off, I’ve Kickstarted some motivation to keep going until all the tasks are complete and I reset the timer. Other times, the task actually takes less time than I thought. Either way, I’ve found a return to my phone during the task (to check a message or do something on the internet) is death to productivity!

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Seconding pomodoro, although time management is my big EF problem. It’s also good for breaking down bigger tasks; maybe I can’t clean everything, but I’ll clean for five minutes, and if I’m not exhausted I’ll do another five, and so on.

    2. Job Carousel*

      I can totally empathize! I’ve been living on my own for 13 years now but still sometimes struggle to put away my clean laundry or wash and put away my dishes. I agree with Vic Venti’s suggestion of the pomodoro technique — it’s a lifehack I do to kickstart a dreaded task, and like Vic Venti says, I often just finish the task after the timer goes off since I’ve already built up some positive momentum. In terms of changing mindset, there’s a lot of great psychology books out there about how to approach creating positive habits or eliminating negative ones. A few easily-accessible books on this topic are Chip and Dan Heath’s book Switch (they borrow Jonathan Haidt’s concept of the elephant — our emotional, instinctive selves, and the rider — our logical brain, and talk about ways we can use our rider to motivate our elephant) and Charles Duhigg’s book The Power of Habit. A few denser, more theoretical books are written by Nobel Prize winners — Richard Thaler and Case Sunstein’s book Nudge (Thaler won the 2017 economics prize for his work in incorporating psychological assumptions into decision making), and Daniel Kahneman’s book Thinking Fast and Slow (a very comprehensive, very long book that I only made it about 2/3rds into).

      1. the Viking Diva*

        A book I have found useful is ‘Finding Flow,’ by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. It’s about the productive state of being in the zone – so absorbed in a task that you lose track of time. In general this is when the goals are clear and meaningful, the feedback is immediate, and you are doing something that is challenging but you also have a level of skill or expertise to do it well. Spending time in a flow state is very satisfying, so it’s good to find ways to

        It’s relevant here because of some of the ways he describes that people find flow in a task they don’t enjoy. One way is to increase the level of challenge – such as trying to work fast or efficiently in a non-ideal setting, e.g. how much can I get done while waiting to board my flight. Pomodoro and Unf*ck your Habitat, mentioned down-thread, play on this same idea. Can I get this done in the 10 minutes before my work meeting? etc. Another way is to shift your thinking about the goal – I can find greater reward in folding if I think of it as a gift to my family or my future self to have clean clothes for the week.

        Good luck, Union Alexander!

    3. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      Oof, I’ve been there – and partly still am!
      I find focusing on Future Me is often helpful. Like, I am going to do the dishes now because Future Me is gonna be so pleased to see an empty sink after work. It’s a bit hit and miss, but works best when i really try to conjure that feeling of satisfaction – make it feel just as real as my present ugh-ness.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I definitely find the “do it for Future Me” mindset works for me as my self-worth isn’t great and I’m more motivated to do things for other people.

        For hated chores I tend to do something else at the same time so it isn’t so dull, ir promise myself a reward afterwards. So maybe I’ll prop up my phone near the sink (carefully, so it doesn’t go swimming) and watch something while I go, or tell myself I can make lunch with the nice new things when I’ve put the groceries away. On that second point, it helps if the cause and effect is direct, because otherwise brain says “I mean, we could just have (reward) now”.

        1. TechWorker*

          +1

          I have a string of old detective dramas (currently, silent witness) that I watch primarily whilst doing chores (Washing up/laundry, etc). It makes it way less dull & means I almost look forwards to it :p

          Needs to be really be something where you can get the gist of what’s going on without needing to watch the screen, if that’s going to bug you a podcast might be better :)

          1. Koala dreams*

            Yes, I like to watch Poirot or Miss Marple when doing chores, or a game show. Folding laundry is especially good to do in front of the tv. For the dishes I like listening to music.

          2. Nervous Nellie*

            Oh, yeah – laundry movies! I actually keep a list of funny, happy movies, and only ‘get’ to watch them when I am folding laundry. I do this really early on Sunday mornings, and it has actually become something I look forward to.

    4. Caroline Bowman*

      Not sure if this is a gimmick or a way to help with procrastination generally, but I have found that by committing to doing 1 thing or to doing something I’ve been putting off for a set time, even really short, like 10 minutes, gradually motivation improves.

      Work out when you are at your most energetic and motivated (I do appreciate that this is all relative) and then decide on a time to start your timer / do a specific task, ideally quite a small one and really lean into it hard for only that time / till that 1 task is done. If you do that a couple of times each day, ideally ticking whatever the things are off a list you can see, you might find it snowballs and becomes less of A Thing.

      Best of luck

      1. Washi*

        Yep! I do something similar, except I pick a super super small task that I know will only take like 1 minute. For example if I need to go running, I’ll tell myself I just need to put my shoes on, and then I can decide. Or for cleaning the bathroom, I just need to take out the sponge and wipe the sink.

        For me, the biggest challenge is going from couch -> task, not in completing the task, because I actually hate leaving stuff unfinished. So I just need to trick myself into starting!

    5. Dancing Otter*

      I swear by To Do lists and Reminders on my phone. Otherwise, I procrastinate. For example, I get a reminder once a week to water the plants. I set a reminder to take out trash & empty paper baskets every Monday and Thursday, to do laundry every Tuesday (with a separate reminder for putting away), to hand wash lingerie Wednesday evening, etc. That’s for the recurring stuff that really ought not to be missed. I used to laugh at my mother for her “Monday is laundry day; Tuesday is ironing; Wednesday is …” and so forth. But it works a lot better than, “Oh God, I have company coming tomorrow and the living room is a disaster area.”

      I also have reminder lists for bigger projects such as tidying and cleaning the master bedroom, broken into bite-size pieces and assigned due dates. The point is to just have a few things for each day, not a huge list of everything due at once that would overwhelm me. Sort out the expired spices or get rid of old leftovers, not deep-clean the whole kitchen. If I get on a roll and finish something not yet due, it just gets marked complete and something else is moved into its scheduled spot. This is also where I put the quarterly tax payments, the annual license renewal, monthly bill payments (those that aren’t on autopay), making doctor and vet appointments, buying birthday cards and presents, and so forth.
      Now, I still just close the reminder sometimes, which is my bad, but they keep coming back until I mark them complete. As you say, gimmicks don’t fix everything, but the only way to form good habits is by actually doing stuff until it becomes habit.

      1. Ranon*

        I probably could not person if I did not have set days of the week for chores. It takes a certain amount of prep (e.g. having enough clothes to only do laundry once a week) but replacing deciding and willpower with routine really works for me.

      2. Ranon*

        I probably could not person if I did not have set days of the week for chores. It takes a certain amount of prep (e.g. having enough clothes to only do laundry once a week) but replacing deciding and willpower with routine really works for me.

        1. Caroline Bowman*

          I have 3 kids and so laundry once per week wouldn’t work BUT the principle remains the same; if it’s a Monday or a Tuesday, a load of washing gets done, then another on Thursday, (kids, ours, bedding / towels), then if there is overflow for whatever reason, I might do another load over the weekend.

          Otherwise… it’s a laundry mountain that exponentially grows and grows until there’s no point to living at all because gaaaahhhhh… etcetera!

    6. matcha123*

      It took me close to 10 years of living alone to figure myself out and get things done. I still slip up and have dishes in the sink or unwashed clothes in the basket for longer than I’d like, but I’ve made improvements.
      First step is to start small. Make it a routine to NOT go to bed with dishes in the sink. If you go to bed, pull yourself right out and do the dishes. Once you find yourself getting to the dishes quickly, then you can add in other steps to your routine.
      I don’t have a drier and have to hang my clothes outside, or inside on rainy days. First thing I do when they are dry is to fold them. Even if I get too lazy to put them away, they will be folded and in front of my drawers.
      With cleaning, the same thing. Doing a huge clean is so tiring, so I pick up little things throughout the day and dedicate like 5 – 10 minutes a day to ‘heavier’ cleaning. Other places will still need time, but I feel happier when I can see the floor. And that happiness helps to drive my motivation to clean.

      1. MistOrMister*

        Yes to folding the laundry as soon as it’s dry! I just started doing that this year and it makes such a difference. I don’t know why I hate putting away laundry so much. But, once it’s been folded, it seems stupid to me to not take the 3 extra minutes and actually put it away. I tried the, put the clean laundry on the bed and it will force you to put it away before you go to sleep thing. And no, no it won’t, not for everyone. I found i was getting creative with my sleeping positions to not disturb the laundry. Folding directly out the dryer has worked so much better for me.

        1. Mary*

          Hahaha yeah my husband will just dump it all on the floor. Once he’s ready for bed then he’s not about to start one last task first. The only thing that works for us for putting away laundry is immediately after getting up the day after laundry day is a rule that we “aren’t allowed” to eat or get dressed until the laundry is away. Find something that works and then do it until it doesn’t work anymore. Then try something else.

        2. Mallory Janis Ian*

          I try to follow a rule that I’m not allowed to start a new load of laundry until the current load is done all the way to completion: washed, dried, folded, and put away. This doesn’t include Saturday mornings when I will do two or three loads one right after another. But someone on FlyLady suggested a guideline of “one load a day, every day, all the way to completion and then quit” (as in, after the one load is done, don’t start another one that will just sit there in an incomplete state; just quit while you’re ahead). I try to follow this guideline, although I’ve had imperfect adherence: sometimes I let myself think that if I start another load, I’ll surely finish it all the way to completion, but then I don’t.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’ve started to wonder in recent years if I actually have some form of ADHD (half my family does so why not me?). My ability to procrastinate and ignore reminders has been a constant problem for me. I’ve successfully used pomodoros or the un-f**k your habitat method of just cleaning for a short period of time. I also realize that part of my problem with putting things away is that there is too much stuff to start with so it’s hard to put things away. Choosing which items to get rid of is another problem for me, but if you’re avoiding putting the laundry away maybe it’s a sign you have too many socks?

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        The socks are so tedious to pair up and fold — I hate that part of the laundry. Whose sock is it? Which sock matches up with which other sock? Ugh! I end up folding every single other piece of laundry and just having a perpetual basket of socks that if anyone wants a pair, they’re welcome to go digging in there.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          That’s why I stopped wearing matching socks. I only buy one style, and I have a bin full of socks in the same style and different patterns and I just grab two socks. (In fact, if I happen to grab matching ones I put one back and try again out of principle :) )

          1. Environmental Compliance*

            +100

            I refuse to fold socks and I refuse to wear matching socks. Luckily, Hubs wears a completely different style, so we don’t end up mixing up socks. Unluckily, Hubs wants his socks folded. We have compromised in that if he doesn’t turn them right side out and not in a little scrunched ball, I will fold them, but any that come out scrunched I will not. Bonus is that he also has started to remember to take crap out of his pockets and separate the t-shirts from the sweatshirts that he takes off all in one go. Second bonus is that he also has stopped hoarding socks under the couch, though that took a couple rounds of “but why do I have no socks” washes.

            IIRC, my grandmother sent me an article in high school about how gangs were apparently signaling something or other by wearing mismatching socks. She did not like my mismatchy socks. Grandma on the other side heard about this, about peed herself laughing, and from then on refused to wear matching socks.

        2. Ellen Ripley*

          Use a safety pin to pin each pair of socks together when you take them off to put them in the dirty laundry.

      2. Kuododi*

        Personally, I use the “2 year” rule of thumb. I think it was originally coined to help get rid of clothes that were never going to be worn again. I expanded it for pretty much everything in our house. (IOW, I’d not used stuff in 2+years, donate or scrap the problem). Best wishes, Kuododi

    8. Anonymous because reasons*

      Hi! I found that my executive functioning issues were depression-related. Once I started therapy (counselling and meds) it became easier, although I have my moments still.

      I’m also autistic. Having that diagnosed was a biggie in terms of understanding the difficulties I have.

      Re: chores, I use the Unf*ck Your Habitat method which is similar to the Pomodoro technique, I just find it much more sensitive to and suitable for disabled people. I’m now in a routine where I get to ‘sink zero’ every night before bed and it’s wonderful to wake up to no dishes.

      My counsellor told me that procrastinators are stuck, not lazy. That’s always resonated with me. Maybe you could try looking up some talks on it by people you like?
      Above all be kind to yourself.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Emphatically seconding Unf*ck Your Habitat! They have a great section in their site called, “Life Happens,” with articles and inspiration for keeping home organized/clean while dealing with chronic illness, anxiety, depression, and anything else that might make house care an ongoing challenge (find the Life Happens tab on the left side of the home page). That link has brought me around to tackling dirty dish mountain more than once.

        So many of the cleaning/tidying sites come with a lot of ‘shoulds’ but this one has compassion and kindness written all over it.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          I follow Unf*ck on Twitter and typically their daily tweet will be something like “let’s get to Sink Zero today” or something equally manageable. It helps me to feel like there are other people reading who also need a bit of a nudge, and if by some miracle I’ve already done what Unf*ck is suggesting, I feel on top of the world!

    9. Kate*

      I used to do things like “now come on, you should do either this or that – your own choice”. Of course the problem was that the most unpopular Thing was left not done for months.

    10. duckduckrabbit*

      I schedule tasks in my calendar and I spread them out so I’m not doing heaps of chores all at once.

    11. Steak salad*

      I find bullet journaling very effective! You can read the book or find the official site (or browse tutorials on Pinterest or YouTube but many of those are focused on unnecessary artistic elements). Also, Gretchen Rubin has written a ton of books and articles on habits which are interesting and helpful.

      1. Phlox*

        I read the book that the Bullet Journal guy wrote and it was surprisingly helpful and a lot more grounded and yet meta than I was expecting.
        I was a fan of Gretchen Reuben until I saw an interview of hers on The Financial Diet where she was super dismissive of wealth disparities and the interviewer – it was a bummer to watch!

    12. Laure001*

      Hello Union Alexander! What an interesting discussion.
      It’s funny because you asked us for ways of changing mindsets and not gimmicks, and we have been giving you a lot of gimmicks… But the reason is: gimmicks are how you change your mindset. There is no secret big way of changing the way your mind works, but there are a thousand small ones… The gimmicks.

      And each time a gimmick works for six months, for instance, you programmed your brain to do things and to have little successes for six months. And your brain changes… a little. It gets used to successes… A little. Then the method stop working, you use another one, etc. That is how you reprogram your brain to do stuff. By successfully doing stuff.

      I’m 53 and at 20 I was such a procrastinator. Unable to do things. So bad at life. Now I am… Not the greatest, but fine. Happy with the progress I made. Thanks to a lifetime of reprogramming myself through little things. :) :)

      1. RagingADHD*

        I love this comment – it’s very important to remember that any kind of routine, system, hack, or gimmick is goint to stop working at some point, either through familiarity or because life got disrupted.

        They were still useful! And knowing you were successful with it for a while builds your inner expectation of being successful again.

    13. Treebeardette*

      One part about changing mindset is making it easier on yourself. If you don’t have a home for your stuff, it’ll go anywhere. For example, I have a small bookcase by my door where I stick my shoes. Daily ones on the bottom, rarely worn ones at the top. I also have a mail basket, a key holder, and a place to put my bag/purse. I use to drop those things on the couch or on the table.
      Make a home for everything. Then set up systems to deal with the stuff. Some never go to bed with dishes. I personally would rather do them when I wake up because I’m tired by the time I get home.
      Some people have certain days to clean certain rooms or a whole day set aside to clean everything.
      Figure out what works for you. If you aren’t a morning person, then save those brainy tasks for after work. If you’re a morning person maybe cleaning before work is ideal. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. Give yourself permission to experiment and try new things.
      Remember no one has a clean house all the time. Stresses hit. People get sick. Tell yourself it’s okay if your house gets messy. It’s not the end of the world if you have a messy house. It doesn’t mean you’re bad or can’t function. Talk to yourself as if you are your best friend. You wouldn’t out yourself down, you would be kind and encouraging.
      Lastly, be okay with doing a little. Half assed everything is still better than nothing. Let go of the need for perfection.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        <>
        My mother came close. Never anything left out, no dust or fingerprints, empty sink and clean counters except when actively cooking. She even ironed sheets.
        I thought she was one of those dull women with immaculate homes until years later, long after I had moved out, she explained.
        She was afraid if she once let it get out of control, she would never get it all clean again. Shed a new light on her whole personality, hearing that.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Fear is a great motivator. All I have to do is picture a mouse running about or ants on the counter and I am up and running. When it comes to laundry or food, I worry about running out of prepared stuff during the work week. Mowing the lawn can get done by worry over letting the grass get to high and running up a big bill for a broken belt. (Someone has to come to the house or the tractor needs to be trailered somewhere. This is BUCKS.)

          Over the years, it became more natural to find satisfaction as a motivator and have less reliance on fear.

          I do suggest to anyone who is struggling here that you may get some reprieve by getting a bit more rest, proper hydration and a solid meal. We can’t eat partial meals on the fly for days/weeks on end and still expect to function, likewise with rest and hydration. One really good question to ask yourself is, “I am gone from the house x hours per week. I spend y hours preparing and eating meals, dressing, sleeping etc. Is it even reasonable to expect my body to be able to run around the house and do all these chores?”
          I am concerned where people are saying they can’t get their brains in gear here. If thinking about doing Thing was the key, then that Thing would be done by now, probably. There’s more to it:

          –Physical stamina
          (I worked 70 hours this week. I just want some SLEEP but nooooo I need to do five loads of laundry.)
          –Tools that work properly
          (My washer leaks all over the floor at random times. I never know when it will do it.)
          –Work areas laid out in a reasonable manner
          (I have to run up and down three flights of stairs for each load of wash I do. There’s no place to hang things up to dry, so I have to use the dryer. Peach, more stairs.)
          –Getting desired results
          (I don’t like how my clothes come out when I am done. Sometimes i just throw stuff away because I gave up.)

          Just in this laundry example alone, having two or more problem areas can make a person feel defeated before they even start. So why start.
          I started breaking tasks down it to steps and identifying problems along the way. I kept tweaking what I was doing until the task felt less like punishment and felt more like just one of life’s responsibilities. I don’t think it gets “great” but I do think it got better. I also found that redesigning the task even helped motivate me some what.

      2. Anne Kaffeekanne*

        I’ve heard the ‘have a place for everything’ thing so many times and while it does make sense to me, I can never implement it, because I just can’t figure out how to assign homes to everything. It sounds so easy and should be easy but it absolutely stumps me.

        1. Alexandra Lynch*

          That’s where having a professional organizer come in and work with you would be helpful.
          It’s not so much them telling you where to put things, as it is them supporting you and showing you how to figure out where to put things.

          Me, I ADORE organizing things and putting them in order. I wish I could come help you.

        2. Catherine*

          My trick for determining where an item should live is by thinking about where I need/use it most.

          Scissors live in the kitchen, with a second pair in my stationery box, which lives near my work table. Barbecue lighter lives under the ancestral altar (i only ever need it for incense and candles). Measuring tape lives draped over my clothes rack because I only need it when I’m fitting myself for something.

          If I’m having trouble breaking down where something “belongs” I make a running tally over the course of the week or so for where I used it and use that to inform my decision. If something like scissors has multiple frequent use sites, it makes more sense for me to get a second pair instead of walking one pair back and forth and probably losing it.

    14. Nicole76*

      I turn them into enjoyable activities by using that time to catch up on podcasts or YouTube videos. I actually look forward to cleaning and other tasks because of this. It makes a world of difference listening or watching something enjoyable while tackling chores vs doing them in silence.

    15. Blarg*

      Also … be kind to yourself. When you have roommates, some things have to get done (dishes) in a “do unto others” kind of way. But hey, you did the laundry! The clothes are clean. Some of this stuff isn’t actually important, we’ve just decided it is. My rule for myself is if I’m done with the task, do I feel better? Like when I vacuum, I enjoy the carpet looking brighter. So I try to do it. But I don’t give a crap about a made bed, so I don’t.

    16. CopperPenny*

      I think it comes down to changing habits. Once you have gotten on a habit of doing things it becomes a must, instead of optional that it is when it just builds up. I used an app Tody that suggests chores and let’s you add more and how often they need to be done. So I have decided that each day I will do 3 chores and I can look and see what is most urgent. I schedule the time into my day. And every evening before bed I tidy for 10 minutes. When I first start that 10 minutes is just about putting things in obviously places, but as you build the habit, there is less to do and it can also be quick organizing as well.

    17. Person from the Resume*

      I think you have to build the habit through repetition. For example when I was 38, I tried to sell my house during the recession. I started making my bed everyday because there might be a showing for many months. 7-8 years later I’m still making my bed every morning and I’m long out of that house. I have the habit and now to me my bed looks messy unmade. It’s one of things I do every morning along with brushing teeth, putting in contacts. It’s just one of my morning tasks before my day begins.

      I am usually good about folding laundry right away especially the stuff that gets wrinkled. But if I don’t I still dump the basket on my bed meaning I must do it before going to bed that night. There’s been a few nights when I go to bed tired only to have to fold a basket of clothes but it’s just one basket so only 5 minutes. Some times I see it later and decide to do it now do I don’t end up doing it right before bed. I guess someone could dump the cleans clothes back in the basket but that’s never even an option in my mind.

      With dishes I do okay and I definitely come into a clean kitchen and think it’s so nice great the counter is clean if dirty dishes.

      Seriously habit. Figure out when the best time is for you. Build the habit through something like Pomadoro method (I only have to do 20/40 minutes of this.) And consciously thinking after “I’m so glad I did x.” Admire the clean/tidy whatever and think “I’m happy clothes are put away. I’m glad I did it earlier.”

      Also small chunks. Folding and putting away a batch of clothes is only 5-10 minutes. And is easy to squeeze in and is less than a pomodoro session. Folding 5 Batches is so much longer. The same with a few dishes instead of a week’s worth. As one person my days worth of dishes can be less than 10 minutes of work.

      Finally distraction. I listen to podcasts Or audiobooks while doing chores. I’m always focused on the story and not the chores.

    18. Usually calm*

      Our brains fool us into thinking we will have more motivation for a task later. I tell myself that it won’t be any easier later. Sometimes that works. As others said, depression doesn’t help. I do better on medication for that.

    19. Katefish*

      As someone who shares your pain (and currently has a sinkful of dishes to do today after a busy week), a few things that helped:
      a) Gamify daily tasks with the Habitica app;
      b) Everything on Unf*ck Your Habitat (blog/book);
      c) I’ll often do cleaning in 5 minute chunks between other tasks – just short enough it tricks my brain into getting the tasks done/variation on Pomodoro;
      d) Pay for help if you can swing it, both financially and safety wise. People immediately think of housekeepers, but I also had people on Taskrabbit come over and help with organization in the Before times.

    20. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve found that doing unpleasant things “chores” are best done sort of immediately and in the moment. Like, a “tidy as you go” mentality because I hate them!

      For example, when cooking, you clean or put dishes into dishwasher as you’re cooking and before you sit and eat. That way, you will only have a few things, not all those pans and bowls. When you finish eating, finish rest immediately. Do not sit, turn TV on or anything. If you have guests, chat in kitchen while you wash/stack dishwasher.

      Shower: Clean it before or during your shower. Scrub the walls, etc., while you’re in it. When you exit, spray whole thing down with bleach.

      Of course, it doesn’t work for everything though!
      Vacuuming and mopping floors is one of those best done en masse separately.

    21. Koala dreams*

      Your question is interesting, because I find that focus on having the “wrong” mindset and change it doesn’t work for me, it just delays success because in the end, I have to work with the mind I have, not the mind I wish I had. It also helps to think about what is necessary, and what is just a nice extra. For example, it’s necessary to do the dishes, but it’s not necessary to do the dishes in one go, or to have a clean sink in the evening. So I’ve accepted that I will continue to do the dishes in small bursts of time, with pause in between, and the clean sink might appear in the morning, midday, in the evening or never.

      I do think executive functions can also be improved. After all, we can improve memory, language skills, and learn to do complicated things like driving a car or ride a bicycle. I hope you find a way to do what you want. Good luck!

    22. Potatoes gonna potate*

      So, I just read up on this and oh my GOD that fits me to a T! 

      I like to plan and plan but actually executing those plans doesn’t always pan out. 

      So many years of just thinking I was a lazy pos. 

      Bookmarking this post to read up on and looking int o this more. 

    23. Solar Moose*

      For me, executive function works best when I’m able to quiet and organize my mind. Meditation and mindfulness exercises help with that. I fell off the bandwagon for a while, but recently started using Headspace (app/website) to do short guided 5min meditations per day. They have a free trial.

      Taking time out of your day to let your mind do what it’s going to do, and to practice watching thoughts go by without engaging, might help you redirect your time better.

      1. cleo*

        Same. There are certain things that I know if I do them regularly (daily / weekly), it’s easier for me to focus and stay on task during the rest of my day / week. Meditating and/or yoga and getting enough sleep are the most important, followed by time in nature and quality time with my loved ones.

    24. doing it never*

      I don’t have any diagnoses executive dysfunction conditions, but I do have a big problem with procrastination. I’ve been slowly reading a book about procrastination by Burke and Yuen, and I am finding it helpful. The first half is all about mindset changes, and there are also ADHD-specific advice in the second half. I found the book by researching how procrastination is a reaction to emotional states. For example, I procrastinate as a (maladaptive) way to assert control over my time. I also have perfectionist tendencies. (Which is not “Oh, I’m so perfect. I must do everything right!” But rather, “If I don’t get this 100% right on the first try then that is bad, and I am bad, and I will just avoid this, so I don’t have to face my obvious flaws.”)

    25. Beth*

      Seconding UFYH. I also found Gretchen Rubin’s book Better Than Before to be really helpful for this. It helps explain why it’s hard to start tasks and what techniques are most likely to help you specifically. She divides people into four rough categories based on what motivates them (internal or external accountability/expectations). People who are really good at setting themselves goals and then following through on those goals, those people are motivated by internal expectations. If you’re more successful when you know that someone else is relying on you to complete a task, you’re motivated by external expectations. You can also be motivated by both, or neither.

      You can also be *demotivated* by expectations. For me, setting a strict goal means I’m way less likely to do something. I just won’t. It’s very annoying but here we are.

      So, knowing that about myself means I don’t waste time feeling guilty over failed habit trackers or chore charts. Instead I’ve figured out that I have to reason myself into doing things, and be really easy on myself if I don’t do them. Things are never done to perfection, but they’re not wildly out of control either: right now there are about two days of dishes on my counter, but there are also clean dishes in the cupboards, and I don’t feel shame or dread when I contemplate washing the dishes. That’s success for me.

      It also helped to figure out that some mental and physical health stuff were legitimately affecting my ability to do things, and tasks that were easy some days would be really hard on others. So you can’t enforce adherence to the same standard every day. On harder days, my most important tasks were to take care of myself and not berate myself for not doing things I couldn’t do (bc that buildup of guilt makes it harder to approach the tasks on good days). Therapy was helpful with that, too, especially if you struggle with identifying your needs or with having unreasonable outside expectations in your head (voices of strict parents or overbearing former partners, eg). If you want a cute and free introduction to CBT therapy, I recommend the app Woebot. It’s a chatbot app with guided CBT lessons, developed by folks at Stanford.

      1. Beth*

        Oh! Would also recommend the book Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD by Susan Pinsky. Really helped for things like “why do I never clean the toilet?” and “why do I never put away laundry?” Answers: because the toilet cleaner is in the other bathroom, and going to get it is too many steps. Keep toilet cleaner in both bathrooms, and now I can clean the toilet whenever I think of it, problem solved. And: folding clothes takes too long and sometimes they get folded wrong and crease aaa. So, hang up what’s important and toss the rest in open bins, voila, laundry goes faster and is easier to tackle.

    26. Artemesia*

      what works for me is lists and then
      1. doing very short jobs like folding clothes and putting them away while I am doing something else like making my cafe latte — I have to do several steps that take time like heating milk then water in microwave, then letting the pour coffee drip etc etc and I do it because I want my coffee — and during the minutes or two waits, I rush on the simple other job. (this week I moved the heavy coats and scarves and such out of the front hall closet and made sure all the summer sun hates were moved to this closet — this is an easy nothing job — but I hadn’t managed until I blitzed while making coffee.

      2..Use BF Skinner’s old trick that helped him get his writing done. You do the thing you don’t want to do and immediately reward yourself with something you want to do. He listened to music — you could read, have a tasty snack, watch a film — but you don’t get to until the job is done. When you do this a few times, it begins to induce more energy for the odious task.

      3. Have a list of different small things that must be done. If you cannot bring yourselves to tackle the biggest ones, do a small one and cross it off. Then do a second small one and cross it off. You get into a rhythm of accomplishment.

      And yeah it is hard. I too am lazy and it is hard to get these things done.

      1. Oldbiddy*

        I also use the short waiting times to clean up whatever is nearby where I’m waiting. I’ve tried to convince my husband to do this as well, but unfortunately he tends to go sit down at the table and gets sucked in to Facebook. Aaaghhh.

      2. allathian*

        I usually load or empty the dishwasher while waiting for my coffee to percolate, or wipe the counter.
        My husband and I have an 11-year-old son, but because we like to host family dinners, we have a big dining room table that seats 8 people but can be extended to seat 10 or 12. Even at its smallest it’s big for three people, so the end we don’t use for eating is usually full of all kinds of stuff that doesn’t really have a home and just gets left there after use. It’s usually properly cleared only when we’re due to host a dinner party, and the last one we hosted was Christmas dinner, so six months ago. My parents and in-laws are all high-risk for COVID, so we’re not hosting family dinners indoors for the time being. We have invited family members for coffee on the deck with social distancing now that the weather’s nice. The other day, our son got sick of our messy table and just started clearing it. He just said, “Mom, I’m gonna clear the dining-room table, I can’t take the mess anymore.” And he did. By himself. For some things he asked if it was going in recycling or on our magazine shelf, but he did it all by himself. He’s also pretty good at keeping his own room tidy, it’s certainly no worse than the rest of the house. I’m proud of him.

    27. C Average*

      When I get stuck like you describe, I challenge myself to put 50 things where they actually go. Clothes, dishes, clutter, trash, recycle, contents of the cat’s litter box, whatever. I count as I go, often out loud, sometimes with colorful narration (“is a pair of socks two things or one??”).

      It’s weirdly satisfying. You can put away 50 things pretty fast, but it’s enough to make an actual dent in the pile of undones.

    28. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      What works for me is identifying the reason for the barrier in my brain and then trying to prevent it from happening. So, as an example, I hate putting away my laundry. I will literally take my clothes off the drying rack for weeks. After a while I realised what I hated was a) folding in general and b) turning clothes right side out. A) I somewhat solved by buying a metric ton of clothes hangers so less folding, b) I’ve been tackling by making sure that when I hang up my laundry to dry, I turn it to the right side, so future me has it easier. So really thinking about what was causing the hang up and then trying to circumvent it has helped me a lot.

      I also do the ‘ah I will just put away five things, I can pick up and put away 5 things’ way of tricking myself, because it’s always 20 things once I start. 5 minutes doesn’t work for me, but 5 things? That I can do.

    29. Cedrus Libani*

      I struggle with task initiation. I’m one of those people who looks at a task, and it expands into All The Things – everything that I’ll have to do after I’ve done it, everything that could go wrong or interfere with my eventual goal, everything else that I’m not doing right this minute, etc. And that’s sufficiently unpleasant that I just avoid doing anything useful at all.

      But I’ve figured out a loophole. My brain is paralyzed by choosing what to do Right Now, but is mostly fine with choosing a thing to do in ten minutes. It’s weird to me too, but there it is.

      Therefore, it is absolutely non-negotiable that I have a buffer between “deciding what to do” and “doing”. I use a Kanban board. Only one thing is allowed to live in the “In progress” column. At the end of each work session (sometimes I do Pomodoros, sometimes not) I review my progress and set next actions, and THEN take a break. I have a wrap-up session at the end of the day where I decide my priorities for the next day, do some rough time blocking, and also set up the first work session. The next day, all I have to do is park my butt in the chair and go. I do as little as possible in the moment; I take orders from past-self, and give orders to future-self.

      For small, annoying tasks, I’ll do a thing I call Task Roulette. I’ll make a list of tasks, grab a six-sided dice, and roll to determine what I do next. If I roll a 6, I will get a small reward (a short video game, part of a show, etc). If not, I go down the list and do undone task N, where N is whatever I rolled. This is useful for the end of the day, when you’re a bit too tired for hard focus but not completely spent. Again, the reason this works is because my current self has no control, I’m at the mercy of the dice and whatever past-self decided that future-self ought to make time for.

      I’ve also become a fan of David Allen’s “two minute rule”. If there’s a minor task that catches my attention, I can let it take up mental real estate – or I can just do it. I may not enjoy it, but I won’t enjoy it any more later, and I can at least spare myself umpteen rounds of “ugh I still haven’t done that”. If I’m actively on-task somewhere else, then I just add it to the Task Roulette list, knowing that it will be dealt with in the near-ish future.

      I find that being judicious about what I put into my body helps. Sugar makes it worse – I get hangry a few hours later. Alcohol makes it worse – I find that more than one drink makes me fuzzy and unfocused the next day. Caffeine makes it worse – it does pep me up, but it also makes me twitchy and anxious, which is exactly what I don’t want.

      I will also admit that I’m self-medicating. I take adrafinil – that’s a US-legal variant of modafinil – 4-5 days a week. I don’t take it on Sundays or on meeting-heavy work days, and I take a fairly low dose. It doesn’t feel any stronger than a mug of tea, yet it makes the negative force field around my to-do list go away. I only started this recently – working from home was ROUGH and I was kind of desperate. But it’s helped significantly.

    30. RagingADHD*

      Rewards.
      Not afterwards, but during – add things to the experience that make it more pleasant, like a music playlist, watching a video, a cup of tea, aromatherapy, whatever.

      The more smiles you have while doing the chores, the less you dread them or put them off. “Spoonful of sugar” is a real thing.

    31. Chaordic1*

      I hope this doesn’t take the original post too off topic but I really think that, in some situations, many people who have this kind of a problem are suffering from some sort of depression that makes it hard for them to take care of themselves. Like maybe they go to work and are fine there, but don’t have any energy left for anything else. Maybe they are “high-functioning” and the depression is “low-level.” Sometimes some counseling (CBT) might help or, if necessary, an antidepressant is needed.

      1. allathian*

        I admit that when I read the post, my mind went there as well. It’s possible to be depressed without feeling particularly sad. Sometimes it’s just being listless to the point of lethargia.
        When I was single in my 20s I slept in the same sheets for six months because I just couldn’t force myself to change them, although I did wash my clothes and showered as often as I do normally.

    32. Alexandra Lynch*

      I have ADHD, which is pretty much all about not having good executive function. Here’s how I handle the problem.
      I have days of the week that I handle household work. For example, I do laundry on Wednesday and Sunday, and on those days I get up, take a basket down to the washer, set an alarm on my phone, and go have my tea and breakfast. I have the alarms because otherwise I will not remember that I have laundry in the washer. My partners and I have made a commitment to understand that when the alarm goes off I have to go do the thing. (I haven’t quite got through to the cats, but cats be cats.)
      I have regular alarms set for taking my meds, to go start lunch, to go start making dinner, and one set at 8 pm every evening. That is the time for me to go in, clean up the kitchen, and set up the coffee pot and make tea in my thermos for tomorrow morning. It’s easier when I do it every day, because then it bears the force of habit, and I keep telling myself that it’s so. much. easier. on myself this way tomorrow morning, come on, do myself a favor, and it gets done. I also have alarms to make myself go to bed at night, or I’ll read til two am and then get myself all off schedule. (I also do menus five weeks at a time, and I’m going to write a book on how to do that, but that’s separate.)

      It’s easier when I’m on my meds, but I still have to use the alarms and habitual “place I put my purse” and “place I put my phone” or it will all go to hell pretty quickly. Indeed, scheduling’s more important on my meds, because they suppress appetite, and I wind up having a meltdown because I forgot to eat for eight hours. (Not good.)
      Oddly enough, I get a lot of peace out of knowing I just have to do this. I can’t just set things down anywhere or handle things whenever. You may not have ADHD, but if you just say, Okay, this is a boundary that I set for myself and my own self-care, then some of the strategies we with ADHD use can perhaps help you.

    33. Courageous cat*

      Are you in your early 20s? If so, first of all, it’s going to come with time. I really really really struggled with this in my early 20s. I just don’t think my brain had matured enough to see the bigger picture.

      As I started to go into my mid-to-late 20s, a couple things changed:
      -I moved in to an apartment with a friend in the city and her apartment was… amazing. Beautiful. Perfect. It wasn’t just a cookie cutter apartment, it was pre-war with beautiful features and uniquely decorated. She was very good at keeping it clean and, because the space was so lovely and I was living in *her* place, I learned to do it too.
      -After that, I moved into my own place a number of times. Having your own space (again, I think having it be a unique space and not like a cookie cutter apt complex like I had in my early 20s really helped) was a big difference. I was PROUD of it and wanted to keep it clean.
      -I began to realize how much my mental state seemed to disintegrate when everything else around me was crazy. It began to feel more natural just going ahead and putting stuff up/back/etc because I came to found I couldn’t do good work or relax with shit everywhere. It stopped being a mental load and burden, and started becoming something I automatically did as a part of life.

      And if none of that helps…
      -Move into somewhere that doesn’t have a dishwasher or laundromat for a while. Like years. When you finally move back to somewhere that does have a dishwasher and in-house laundry, your life will be so changed, you will be so happy to do laundry and dishes again.

    34. Problem solved*

      There are only two things that helped me, and they have nothing to do with changing my mindset.

      1) I love to learn new things, so I found some podcasts I like to listen to and use a bluetooth headphone to listen to episodes in my queue while I clean. I made a rule that some of my favorites I can only listen to while cleaning, so now when I see a new episode show up, my brain immediately goes to “time to wash the dishes or fold clothes!”. It’s surprinsing how well it works.

      2) Only works outside a pandemic, but when I fell I need to do some deep cleaning, I like to invite friends to come over a week from now. Then I find the energy I need to get more serious with cleaning (always listening to podcasts). I wouldn’t want a friend to have to deal with dusty coffee tables or messy bathrooms, so for me it works wonders.

      Maybe your incentives will be different than mine, but associating the tasks with a clear reward (listening to great stories, offering a welcoming space to my friends) worked wonders for me.

    35. 00ff00Claire*

      Obviously, from the number of comments here, you are not alone in your struggles. EF/self regulation has also been a challenge for me in certain areas. This is probably a bad analogy, but EF could be compared to any other skill, so we could take running as an example. Runners get better by running, but those that want to really excel also do other exercises that will benefit them when they run. So, like many people have pointed out, one way to improve EF is by just Doing The Things. The tricky part of that is, EF challenges to start with makes Doing The Things, well, difficult.

      My first suggestion is to start small – no one starts out running by participating in a marathon the first day they take it up. Can you pick one thing that you know would make a difference as far as “chores” go and just work on doing that one thing? Like doing your dishes daily or right after you use them? Gif yourself permission to focus on just that one thing and not stress about the others. Practice that one thing consistently for at least a week, and then add a second thing. Practice doing both until you are capable of doing them both pretty consistently, then add a third, etc. You probably don’t want more than four regular / daily chores.

      I also recommend a good planner / journal that has goal planning and goal implementation strategies. I have tried the Best Self Journal, but there are others like it. A key component of the journal needs to be that it helps you to break goals down somehow into more manageable parts. A big part of using the journal for me, though, was allowing myself to be less than perfect with it. As long as I used it in some way each day, that was a success. If you struggle with getting things done because you always want to do them the very best way, giving yourself permission to do things imperfectly can make a difference.

      Those are my two best recommendations for how make baby steps towards Doing The Things even with EF challenges. There are also other resources you could tap into that might help you make progress with your mindset.

      Someone else has mentioned Gretchen Rubin, and I will add that I have also found her Four Tendencies and Better Than Before books helpful. Are the Four Tendencies scientific? Nah. But for me, it has still been helpful for reframing certain things, especially how to motivate myself.

      I also recommend googling “how to adopt a growth mindset”. There are also some books on the topic of growth mindset, but I don’t know much about them. The idea behind approaching life with a “growth mindset” is basically that we don’t ever stop learning and developing. You might find some practical advice for utilizing growth mindset just on the articles and blog posts that pop up with the google search.

      Look into SuperBetter and see if you think it would be for you. It’s a game designed to build resilience but if you are looking for ways to change your mindset, it could potentially be helpful.

      You could also research Functional Imagery Training. Going back to the running analogy, plenty of athletes utilize imagery to improve their skills. FIT itself seems to have grown out of sports training and physical fitness, from what I can tell – though I may be way off base… Thus, a lot of the information you will find on the topic may be about athletes and losing weight. However, I would imagine that you could apply the principals to other areas of your life – chores, managing money or time, etc. There are youtube videos and even a TED talk on the topic.

      Finally, and this one might sound counter-intuitive, but taking up a game that requires thinking ahead and thinking through scenarios as a hobby could be helpful. Chess is the best example that I can think of off the top of my head, but there should be others like it – checkers also comes to mind. Of course, you would have to play regularly and learn strategy. But games, particularly those like chess, can give the executive functioning “muscle” some practice and help develop it.

    36. Dancing Otter*

      Another thought:
      Is there something about the words “chore” or “task” that trigger the resistance, like when chores were things parents imposed on unwilling offspring? Can you reframe it somehow?
      I once had a “to do” list pad that said “Dumb Stuff I Gotta Do” instead.

  3. Storie*

    I haven’t been to the open thread in a while so this may have been discussed.

    Curious if anyone has used this bizarre time to take stock and move to a different place?

    Two of my friends have moved their families out of the city and to other more quiet places. One couple’s jobs were basically eliminated with no hope of coming back. The other can work remotely.

    I guess I’m envious but also just interested in how this big thing affecting us all will send people on different trajectories.

    Hope you’re all doing well.

    1. Anonymous because reasons*

      I’d be interested in the replies to this post!
      I have taken stock but I wouldn’t say that’s been a deliberate or even conscious thing. I’ve found being at home and having my routine disrupted very hard to manage, not to mention studying an MA online instead of face-to-face on a primarily practical course has been a nightmare.
      My mood and outlook have both suffered for it.
      But there have been other things which have coincided with the lockdown, such as the fact that I got an autism diagnosis and am waiting for reasonable accommodations and the report to come through.

      In some ways, maybe in superficial ways, it’s made me feel quite stuck. In other, more profound ways, it’s changed me, and I don’t know where that will lead me in the future.

      1. Anonymous because reasons*

        Oh LOL I thought you also meant metaphorically moving to a different place.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          I thought the same thing about Storie’s question, Anon BR! I have not moved house, but the pandemic has definitely stripped away all the things that don’t matter. I am more relaxed about my new terrible job, and am socking away money so that every day, work matters less & less. I have reconnected with some good family, dumped a toxic friend, decluttered, and am feeling ready for anything.

          And to loop back to the question, Storie, while I have not moved, all the things I have listed here have for the first time actually made me open to moving away from this very expensive and crowded place. I didn’t see that coming. So to answer your question – no, but maybe soon! :)

          1. Anonymous because reasons*

            Oooo I like this! I too have decluttered, saved a bit, started to get physically better after a loooong illness, and reconnected with what makes my family good! Thanks for the reminder :-)

    2. MistOrMister*

      I’ve never really considered moving. There are some downsides to where I am, but on the whole I’m happy with it. I’ve only ever really thought about possibly moving to the beach. But given rising sea levels and hurricanes, I continue to opt to stay put and go to the beach on vacation. It woukd be great to live somewhere with a lower cost of living, but I can’t see moving.

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’m in the process of doing this right now. For a few years we’ve rented a small flat in London because my husband (and sometimes me) was working here. We have owned a house elsewhere for several years, but because the property prices there are so low it wasn’t worth selling or renting it out. However, with the virus situation most of the projects I would have been working on have been cancelled or postponed for a year and he is working from home until next year at least so there is no point paying for an empty flat. It’s kind of sad because we liked this neighborhood but maybe next year we will come back.

      1. Jessi*

        I came here to say something similar. Loads of people moved out of London pre- “lock down” and many people that I personally know have chosen not to return

    4. Treebeardette*

      I’ll hopeful be moving if my job search pans out the way I am hoping too. It’s interesting because it’s been a stressful year, but I am been able to handle it really well to the point I’m looking at new adventures with little fear. I think the uncertainty of everything right now (not only worldly news but my company just sold my factory) has taught me to be okay with not knowing. I’m finding a lot of growth and accomplishment at this time.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      My mom, to live with a relative. We figured she had a few years of independent living left after my dad died last year, but she’d had a rough go physically last fall followed by a tumble that shook her up just before shutdown. She needed to be around people, and have more help with practical everyday stuff.

      I also know a couple who moved from the US to Europe; that was a job offer here being frozen while two jobs opened up over there, and they could buy a house there.

    6. CopperPenny*

      Not moving. We plan to move in a few years, but currently are very happy where we are. We did take stock of the rest of our lives though and made some changes. We have been talking vaguely about finding a church since we moved here, so we found a church that we have been attending virtually and really liked the vibe so we have now officially joined a church without going to an in person service. We also realized our social life is lacking so we have put major effort into reaching out a building local connections. Especially as our local restictions are easing we have been getting together with one other couple at a time to build friendships. It’s been working out well for us. So not quite what you asked, but we have taken stock and made changes.

    7. NeonFireworks*

      Moving within a city, and excited about it. I am one of those people who graduated from college in the U.S. in 2009 and still have outstanding student loans. As a result, this year I decided to make some real sacrifices in terms of my living situation in order to pay off the rest of the debt. Normally this would have been fine – I spend a lot of time at the office, or at parks – but I didn’t count on a pandemic confining me to the house for months, and by this point I’ve spent enough time indoors to get tired of the suboptimal parts of my current place. I have a nice new apartment that I’m about to move into and I am about to pay off my last bit of student debt, finally, at the age of thirty three. My undergrad degree was worth it, but this got prolonged.

    8. Ranon*

      We are doing the opposite- we had planned a big move this year and now are delaying it. Staying put where we have a network and community and hand me downs and baked goods magically appearing on our porch (even if we’re maintaining physical distance) seems like a better call right now.

      We’re still quite excited to make our move happen but as it’s entirely voluntary waiting until it’s a bit easier to move around in the world works for us.

    9. Ali G*

      For me it solidified our decision to buy a single family home. I just could not fathom going through this in multifamily housing. I probably would have cracked a long time ago. We live in an expensive area so house-buying is a big deal.
      It also has me reconsidering where we will live in retirement (~20 years). We likely won’t be able to downsize here without having a mortgage, which we don’t want (current house will be paid off), or living in a condo, which I definitely don’t want. So we will likely have to relocate.

    10. Aurora Leigh*

      We luckily both kept our jobs, but we are hoping to move to a rural property. The extra time we’ve spent together definitely helped solidify what kind of life we want to build together. And we want to have the ability to be more self sufficient.

    11. Jessi*

      Personally while we haven’t decided to move in the near future, the lack of outdoor space in our tiny inner city flat for 8 weeks of furlough/lockdown has shown me that I DO actually want a garden. So when this chapter of our lives close I will be looking for property that is more rural than I ever would have considered in order to have the green space that I now want

    12. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I have a strong desire to move to a new place and start fresh but I’m not sure I’d attribute it to these times right now. But it’s definitely been a year of huge changes more than I ever expected. At the beginning of the year the only change I was expecting was a new baby (and that’s a huge change!) but I’ve also lost my job, had health issues, and lost a lot of my independence due to COVID as well as planning to move (which is a very much desired change). 

    13. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’m checking my finances to see if at last I have saved enough to finally move out. Pandemic restrictions aside, I’m interested to see if rent is going to be cheaper or at least less expensive. I’m not hopeful though.

    14. AVP*

      We haven’t moved but have definitely reconsidered what we need from our next living space. I think we’ll end up spending more on the next place than we want to because now we really, really feel like we need an extra bedroom and an outdoor space, even if it’s tiny. Happy to be in a giant city, though, and if others want to move out I suppose we can take their outdoor spaces!

    15. Nita*

      Definitely. I’ve planned for a long time to leave the city, in large part because the idea of being trapped here in any kind of disaster scares me. But if before, I was comfortable putting off the move to “someday” for family reasons, I now feel I was a fool and should not have waited. “Someday” happened sooner than I thought, and I’m not prepared. I’ve now set a hard deadline, and I’ll stick to it if I have to sell the clothes off my back to pay for a new place.

    16. Washi*

      We’re moving! But less than 2 miles away. When we rented our high rise apartment, we were super active social people who were rarely even in it during the day. It didn’t bother us too much that our neighbor played lots of loud music and that there was very little natural light. Now our lifestyles are different (particularly for me, I’m in grad school and home a lot with online classes) and there’s just not much of a point to paying for amenities like a pool, gym, and proximity to the metro.

      We found a townhouse still within walking distance of our suburb’s downtown core, for a similar price to our high rise apartment. I’m so excited not to have to put a mask on and wash my hands 5 times just to do laundry! And to step out of our front door and be outside! And no more fire alarms forcing us to leave the building with hundreds of other people! We still love our urban area but the pandemic has definitely changed our priorities for housing.

    17. ww*

      I just moved the first week of June! I went ten minutes down the road so not a huge move distance-wise but I’m in Brooklyn, aka Epicenter (although not so much any more…?) Bizarrely it was the easiest move of my life. Anyone who’s ever moved in NYC knows what a nightmare the process is, but I had no trouble finding a place and no trouble finding movers (we did run up against the then-curfew which was unsettling and I tipped more as a result). The sense I get here is that rents aren’t really falling BUT places are lingering a bit longer, as opposed to last time I moved 7 years ago when places would vanish off the market literally as you were on your way to go look at them.

      The most uneasy part of the whole process was that there’s no way to not go outside in a move – looking at places (I wasn’t comfortable doing only video tours, but realtors all had various social-distance schemes going), going to the bank for certified checks, lease signings, interacting with movers, the million and one errands you always end up having to run around moving, etc. Luckily by the start of June NY’s numbers were already diving, but it was an added twist.

    18. Tris Prior*

      Before the pandemic hit, we were planning to use 2020 to scout out potential cities we might want to move to, decide by the end of the year which was our choice, and ideally move by next spring. Since travel is unwise, that plan has now gone out the window – which in a way is a blessing, because we’ve crossed 2 cities off our list due to the completely APPALLING way their governors have handled Covid. (I live in a state and city that has been extremely cautious about reopening, and right now, that is a strong factor in where I want to live.) If we had moved to one of those places and THEN the pandemic hit, we’d be among those people being forced back to work before it’s safe, and among others who refuse to wear masks.

      I don’t know what is going to happen now. My partner was laid off because Covid and has little opportunity to find new work here, and my company is evaluating all roles as to whether they can become permanently remote. I can do my job just fine from home, and we have employees in all states so in theory I could keep my job and still move. On one hand, Covid has made me more resolved to move; the only thing that’s helping me cope these days is our good weather, which we get for maybe 3 months out of the year here and is the main reason we want to move. I can’t imagine coping with isolation plus negative 1 million degree temps and snowmageddons. On the other hand…. I am watching VERY closely how other cities and states are handling all of this because that is largely going to drive my decision of what we do here. I’m not moving anywhere that the prevailing belief is that Covid is a hoax, masks aren’t needed, and we should reopen the economy no matter whom it hurts or kills.

      I do worry about trying to build a social support circle in a new city if everyone’s on lockdown and no in-person activities that I’d usually use to meet others are available (as I’d be moving someplace that takes quarantine seriously).

    19. Misty*

      Yes, I currently live in a tourist town on the east coast where the closest city is about an hour away. Cost of living is very high here and I have multiple roommates.

      I am moving with one of my roommates to the middle of the country on Aug 1st. Cost of living is cheaper, school is same price, I’ve already found an apartment, part time gig, school, church, and made a few potential friends thanks to the power of the internet and a visit to the area.

    20. Elizabeth West*

      YES.
      I’m using the remote-work-during-worldwide-pandemic thing to apply out of state again. My sibling flat out said, if I get to move to my Oh-Please location, he will 100% bring my stuff out there for me. Buuuuuuut since the only reply I’ve had is from a dead-end nothing job here, when that can happen is anybody’s guess.

      Bottom line, I do NOT want to live in this state anymore, and I’ve been on the outskirts of NewCity so long I’ve stopped caring about it (and also see that it’s just a bigger version of OldCity). I don’t want to waste the little money I have moving into a (more expensive) place here and then getting stuck the way I was in OldCity. At least if I get stuck in Oh-Please, it’ll be a place I actually want to be in.

      Points in my favor:
      1. I can start right now.
      2. I’m still packed.

    21. WoodswomanWrites*

      A couple I know just did this. He already had a remote job and she was furloughed. They took the opportunity to leave their expensive city and move to a rural location a three-hour drive away. Her job was high-stress and although they’re reaching out now about a possible return, she’s looking to do freelance work at her new location where the cost of living is much lower. They are both really happy about the change.

    22. zora*

      I’m in the middle of this thought process, so I’m going to read the other comments with interest.

      My parents are older (70s/80s) and my sister has little children, and I’ve been feeling stressed for a little while about living on the opposite coast as my whole family, and they live close to each other.

      Im on furlough right now, so I technically will have a job again in a few months, but I’ve been thinking about getting a new job for a while, because I’m just not super happy with my job or company.

      So, this week, I”ve been seriously considering moving back East to where my family is. It’s something I thought I would do someday, but the fact that this weird time has everything in limbo anyway, is making me think this might be a good time to pack up, move back in with my parents, and have plenty of time to both search for a new job and a new apartment. And in the meanwhile have lots of time with family at this crucial time.

      I keep worrying I’m being crazy to think of such a big change right now, but it kind of seems like it makes sense right now given everything going on.

    23. Alexandra Lynch*

      Well, we really were going to move houses before all this went down. So we’re still doing it (move is now scheduled for 7/6) just later in the year than we thought it would happen.

      The three of us have been working/doing school from home during this, and it’s sort of an acid test of relationships. More so because Girlfriend started on hormones and so is going through puberty, complete with emotional swings, and Boyfriend is having flashbacks from his own violent encounter with the police and the attendant emotions. But despite all that, the three of us are good, and we’re committed, and while only Boyfriend and I can make a legal marriage, when things reopen there’s an engagement ring in my future and all the paperwork we can do to protect Girlfriend. We were sure before, now we’re solid.
      I’ve been working on serious weight loss, and while I’m running into issues of my body plateauing due to stress, I’m still down 35 pounds from where I was in January, and four sizes in jeans, and I call that pretty good. And I’ve worked through a lot of the reasons that I emotionally eat, faced them down, and gotten it to where I can decide not to eat, and that’s a good thing too.
      So we’re confirmed and happy, and once we get this move done, I suspect we will all feel better.

    24. allathian*

      For me, it’s more a matter of this bizarre time making me even more grateful for the good things I have. Apart from my family, the thing I value most is our house. We’ll be paying off our mortgage until retirement some 20-25 years from now, but I’m just so glad to have our own yard and deck, and enough rooms so that when my son was in remote school (he’s on summer vacation now) and my husband and I were WFH, we each had our own rooms to work in.

    25. Medium Grande*

      We are moving in less than a week. We currently live in Colorado, which we love and will miss dearly. However, it’s very far from our families. Pre- COVID, I visited my home state every other month and it worked out well.

      COVID really showed my husband and I that we needed to be physically closer to our families. It also showed us that we need to reduce our expenses even further. We are already pretty frugal but the cost of living/rent in Colorado is expensive compared to where we are moving. Even though we are both still employed, I’ve been concerned about layoffs at my work all year (major reorg was announced at the beginning of the year – keeps getting pushed back but will 100% will happen).

      Someone else mentioned this in an earlier comment, but we decided it also didn’t make sense to pay for amenities in our complex that we haven’t been able to use for months. (Side note: our complex hasn’t offered any kind of discount or compensation to residents for the lack of amenities and people are moving out in droves.) Also, there is still a lot of stuff in CO that’s closed. It doesn’t make sense to keep living here if we can’t take advantage of a lot of the “lifestyle stuff” that drew us to Colorado in the first place. I know it’s a small thing in the grand scheme of things but bears mentioning.

    26. Meepmeep*

      We are planning to. We live in San Francisco, which is hideously expensive. My parents are getting old and living far away, and I’ve successfully used this uncertain time to convince them to move closer to us, but we can’t afford for them to move to SF. So we are all moving to a cheaper city. Our jobs are self-employed and somewhat portable, our kid is doing great in homeschool and we don’t plan to stop homeschooling, and whatever urban amenities existed in SF before the pandemic aren’t going to be accessible for a while anyway, so there’s no point in paying exorbitant rent.

    27. Windchime*

      I haven’t moved yet but am planning to. I live in a suburb of Seattle and it’s horribly expensive here. I am planning to move to a more rural area about 2 hours away, now that I am working from home pretty much full time. There is a chance that we will need to come into the office twice a month; I think I can manage that drive twice a month. The cost of living is a lot lower in the town where I am thinking of moving and there is less traffic. My plans will need to wait, though, since my chosen town is unfortunately a COVID hotspot right now.

    28. mgguy*

      So, I am preparing to move to a different city and it all “happened” during the pandemic. The fundamental reason is that my fiancé lives in the city where I’m moving, and obviously one of us was going to need to move, preferably sooner rather than later. Without talking about work as per the rules :) , I ended up being the one for it to be logical to move because, after a year of job applications, I finally got a real bite on something that’s a short-term pay cut but a long term serious professional advance(with far more salary potential also) so it was kind of a no brainer for me to be the one. It’s been tough to take care of everything that needs to be done, and I can’t yet since I’m technically still employed by my old job(even though I’m on furlough) but am excited about the August move.

      The biggest issue is that my fiancé and I have been house shopping and it’s a strange market now. She has a house that’s a great size-for her-but is a bit cramped for both of us. We did some serious hunting, and stuff we liked was quite literally selling out from under us for more than asking price often before we could even schedule a formal showing. There were multiple places we really liked from online listings and drive-bys that were listed in some cases for 48 hours or less-I remember one particular one that seemed perfect, was listed on a Friday, and when we contacted the realtor on Monday morning we were told that there were already 8 offers in and they weren’t going to show it anymore.

      Something that I suspect is driving the market in her area is that she’s basically in a suburban/semi-rural area outside a largeish midwestern city(St. Louis specifically), and a lot of the places we’ve looked have been full on out in the country, on 2-10 acre lots houses. I suspect that people really are moving out of more dense areas.

      We decided to hold off house hunting until after the wedding so we could both build some more equity in her current house and hopefully save up a decent down payment with the hope that the market will cool off next spring/summer. Hopefully by then if we see something we really like, we can make it happen quickly.

      That’s just been my experience with relocating in all of this.

    29. Daisy Avalin*

      Not due to the virus/lockdown, but with any luck we’ll be moving within a year or so, into FIL’s house about 10 mins walk away. Because of the lockdown, the plans I was tentatively making re room use/furniture placement have solidified a bit, as I’d quite like to get a remote job if possible so would need a permanent office space.

      Plus that house is closer to Child’s friends, and the school she’s be attending in September, so will make life a lot easier for us. And we’ll be able to have dogs – we’ve already chosen two of FIL’s dogs we want, especially since he’s planning on cutting down the number he has.

    30. voluptuousfire*

      I decided to stay. I’m living in the house I shared with my dad and he passed in May. There’s still the legal stuff of getting the house in my name but it’s mine free and clear.

      I thought about selling the house and moving elsewhere but it makes sense longer-term to stay. The house is in ok shape but I’d love to renovate it in a few years go update everything. For what I’d pay in taxes and a loan and utilities, it would be equivalent to rent and utilities in an apartment. Why not? If I change my mind, I can sell.

  4. duckduckrabbit*

    Is anyone trying to lose weight while having body positive friends?

    One of my friends is hardcore into body positivity, feminism angle of society makes us about our looks, women pride and so on.

    The thing is, I want to lose weight! My health is poor and I do a physical job I find tough at this weight. I also don’t mind looking good from time to time, while also aware of the feminist angle of what society imposes on women. I am a feminist, I just want to be a healthier one who occasionally wears lipstick and looks nice. Is that so bad?

    How do you deal with friends who just want you to accept your body, when you really probably shouldn’t and should get healthier? I just can’t get on board with the idea that this bad shape is good for me. I don’t even want to be skinny, even if I lost weight I’d still be barely qualifying as in the ideal weight range. I’m basically aim for ‘still plump, but less so.’

    1. Two Cents*

      My two cent:
      Don’t talk to your friend about dieting and don’t include her in the process. Don’t expect your friends to be your diet cheerleader or supervise/police what you eat. A lot of people have their own baggage around food, and it’s better if you use a doctor, reputable reciepe/exercise blog rather than your friends as source of accountability. Or make like-minded friends.

      Whether your friend just tells you ‘honey, you’re fine’ to put an end to your body/diet talk or actively berates you for wanting to change (that’s obnoxious), they’ve made it clear they’re not willing to engage about it. Respect that. They should nevertheless be able to hear ‘i want to lose weight, so please don’t make an issue of me eating less in your presence’ (which is way different then ‘listen to me talk of my diet and health and self image’).

      Now, if your socializing revolves around food, that you see each other often and that your friend gets offended if you cut portions, stop accepting snacks, or want to change venue, that’s another problem to work with. Don’t let ‘body positivity’ be used as an excuse to shame you, but don’t be the person who expects everyone to cater to your diet. If they’re good friends it shouldn’t be a problem to find a good compromise.

      1. Two Cents*

        Last point : you can both like yourself *and* want to improve some aspect of your life.
        You don’t need to talk yourself or your current body down to justify losing weight. Just like you don’t need to feel stupid to justify learning a new language or skill.

        If your body positive friend is pushing back against what they perceive as self-loathing of sorts, then they’re not wrong to encourage you not to tie up your self esteem to scales.
        But if they’re the kind to say ‘wanting to lose weight is antifeminist’ it’s better you just stick to other subjects with them.

        2. Kiwi with laser beams*

          Yeah, it’s possible for someone to be losing weight for 100% healthy reasons in a 100% healthy way AND say self-hating/body-hating things, and I absolutely still push back on that talk in those cases. So if you’ve been saying negative things about your body around your friend, try leaving that out of the conversation.

      2. Auntie Social*

        I talk about my joints hurting less, and that my orthopedist says a 30 lb. weight loss will make them feel like new knees. So that’s something everyone can get behind—it’s not about looks (except it kind of is to me), it’s doctor’s orders and less pain.

          1. university minion*

            Fair warning – that can and does happen at any weight (I am what the medical profession would term a ‘normal’ weight)! I frightened my extremely young, naive staff member by getting up from sitting on the floor shortly before COVID happened. He never heard joints protest loudly before. Fortunately it’s not painful for me, but it’s loud… and crunchy.

        3. Jenny*

          My Dad needs to lose weight so he can even have his knee surgery. Quarantine has actually been good for him, as he’s not out mindlessly buying fast food.

        4. blackcat*

          So I’m a small person who bought into body positivity stuff a lot (easy for a naturally petite person), and I thought joint problems attributed to weight were kind of BS.
          But then I got pregnant and OMG just 25lbs of extra weight at the end was really, really tough on my knee with an old cartilage injury! Pregnancy also does weird stuff to joints, but it really felt like it was mostly the weight. And that was the difference between 110 and 135lbs, so like… not heavy at all.
          I beat the crap out of my joints doing gymnastics as a kid, and I really think the fact that I’m not in more chronic pain from the damage is that I’m really lightweight. So I now 100% get when people say they want to lose weight for the sake of their joints.

          1. Alexandra Lynch*

            I’ve lost 35 pounds, and while I still have about 85 to lose, I am truly amazed at how just this much has eased my chronic joint pain. I’m not thin by any means, but my ability to climb stairs has pretty much tripled, for example, and I have more energy.

            It scares me a bit. If I’m getting this much better now, what will I be at goal weight?!

    2. Taniwha Girl*

      I think body positivity can help us remember that there can be more to getting healthier than getting lighter or thinner. What are some other parts of “getting healthy” that have more meaning to you? Getting stronger, faster, more flexible? Learning to make healthier food choices, or new foods, or more delicious ones?

      1. zora*

        This. I would try to figure out what other goals are for you, as opposed to weight or clothing size. Getting strong? Being able to do specific activities/exercise? There is some really great writing out there about loving our bodies and what they do for us, that means you love your body AND want to change some habits to nurture your body in return.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I find this a really strange response.

        OP isn’t having issues with shame or confusion about her own goals.

        She knows what she wants. She’s asking how to deal with a friend who is unsupportive, telling her what to think and how to feel.

        And here you & zora are, offering the solution of…telling her what to think and how to feel.

        1. zora*

          I’m saying those are the things she can then talk about with her friend, instead of talking about a lower weight or that she thinks she has a ‘bad shape’. I’m suggesting reframing this whole concept as taking care of her body instead of hating her current body.

    3. matcha123*

      I don’t really have friends like that, and if I do, they don’t talk to me about exercise and I also don’t talk with them about it.
      With that said, I do have some scripts prepared for anyone that would have to make comments on my body or weight…
      I exercise because I like to and it makes me feel good. This is true!
      I’ve found that exercise has also helped my cycle improve for the better. Not being in pain for the majority of the day is a huge plus. Especially because I prefer not to be taking a bunch of pain meds.
      Finally, exercise helps me concentrate on work and other activities.
      While I do want to look nice for myself, I keep that to myself. The first reasons are very legit and I’ve yet to have someone try to argue that finding a natural way to reduce the intense pain my cycle brings about is somehow ‘bad.’

    4. Drtheliz*

      A lot of studies have shown that it’s actually *harder* to lose weight if your primary motivation is self-dislike. How about saying to your friend “of course I love myself, that’s exactly why I’m eating vegetables and exercising! Not aiming to be Twiggy 2.0 here!” because that’s difficult to argue withas a positive.

    5. gsa*

      Separate the two.

      Be positive about your body image, AND do things that will help/make easier your physical job. If that includes losing weight, so be it. If that includes the ability to lift boxes of llamas while doing cartwheels, do that.

      Best wishes,

      gsa

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      1. Don’t talk about it with her. Not everyone wants to hear about everything you’re into. Some people don’t wanna hear about exercise and diet, some aren’t interested in your views on why Aang/Katara was a terrible pairing and she clearly should have ended up with Zuko (even if you have a really good powerpoint presentation on the matter).

      2. Focus on performance/capability. “I lifted more weight today.” “I ran a new best today.” etc. What your body looks like is separate from what your body can do, and your friend is probably more amenable to discussing the latter.

      3. Focus on future ability. We all get old, and we all break down, but (excluding illness and injury) our fitness levels will drastically effect that process. If you friend just has to say “but you’re beautiful as you are,” just reply “so is a park, and I’d like to be able to take a long walk in one when i’m 60 without having to give up after 15 minutes.” Once your friend is old enough to notice the reduced mobility in her own parents, she’ll understand this.

    7. Kiwi with laser beams*

      I’m a feminist on medically ordered weight loss and if it was me I’d just vent about toxic stuff I’ve seen and heard about during my weight loss process, or I’d talk about how I consciously keep diet culture out of my weight loss. It’s OK if you don’t want to turn your weight loss into feminist discourse (for me that’s just stuff that happens to be on my mind), but at the same time, as Two Cents said, it’s also OK for your friend to not want to talk about weight loss.

    8. Treebeardette*

      This is what I say to people who think I’m crazy for trying to lose weight because I’m overweight but not obese. “This has nothing to do with me liking or not liking my body, I physically don’t feel good at this weight and losing some will help me feel better. I’m doing this for health.”
      It takes the emotions out of it.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Bingo. I tried losing weight for 15 years. Finally my health just fell apart. It stopped being about the weight and it started being about feeling better.
        So I got into foods and nutrition and sure enough the weight came off.
        For people’s running commentary I simply said, “If I had to weigh 500 lbs in order for my body to work correctly and for me to be able to participate in life then that is what I would do. I would weigh 500 pounds. This has absolutely nothing to do with what I weigh or how I look and everything to do with quality of life.”

        People like this can be irritating. In fairness, it wasn’t until my own quality of life tanked that I actually understood this stuff. So probably I was that irritating person at one time, also.

    9. Hotdog not dog*

      If I didn’t only have brothers I’d swear you were my sister! Been there and am still doing that. The way I see it, my body is an amazing, high quality machine. It’s perfect for me and I want it to run well forever. Just as you wouldn’t put crap gasoline in a luxury sports car, this machine deserves only the best. Admittedly sometimes the best includes ice cream, but as long as most of my food choices are healthy it works out. It took a lot of work to reframe my thinking. I was never in the habit of respecting myself as much as others, so it was slow progress. I’ll never be on the cover of Vogue, but I’m healthy and can physically do most of the things I want to. To me, that’s body positivity. Your friend probably means well, but as a fellow feminist, it’s your body and your choice.

      1. Jenny*

        I mean if your diet doesn’t involve the occasional indulgence it’s never going to work out. I’d say one of the big keys is not eating things you don’t even enjoy that much. That’s why things like “low cal chips” aren’t necessarily a good choice because if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll either snack on more or eat something else, because it’s not satisfying. Also eliminating common calorie bomb drinks really helps because those don’t really satisfy you.

        1. Kiwi with laser beams*

          My dietitian, who has worked with Olympic athletes, says exactly this. This stuff is lifelong and unless you have an allergy or something, no reasonable expert expects you to go the rest of your life without ever eating ice cream.

        2. Gaia*

          Sooooooo true on not eating things you don’t like. I am very particular about the vegetables I eat. Day to day, there are probably 5 that I eat regularly. I’ve tried to eat others because it is “healthy” and “I should.” Never works. I end up eating no veggies and eating something that doesn’t make me feel as good.

          1. Amity*

            I’m glad I’m not the only one! I love some vegetables….key word there is some. Green beans, corn, carrots, peas, and asparagus? Delicious. I’m focusing on eating more of those with my meals and adding fresh fruit. Best of luck to you all!

            1. Gaia*

              Honestly? I’d be happy to eat only asparagus, spinach, and green beans (french cut ONLY) as my veg. I occasionally add cauliflower rice and zucchini. But everything else is at best meh, at worst blech.

              Now fruit? I’ll take it ALL. But that’s because I love sweet and tart flavors.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ll come at this from another direction… losing weight while trying to raise a girl in a world where she’s already starting to say she’s fat when she is objectively lean.
      I talk about being healthier–to keep up when we’re playing, to help my joints, to be able to hike for a couple of hours without my feet hurting, to live long enough to be a spry old lady, to avoid some family-history illness that has a high correlation with weight.
      I guess what I’m saying is a complicated way of agreeing with the others who have said talking about it in terms of health gain, performance goals, and behavioral goals might keep conversations from going where you don’t want to go.

    11. Venus*

      There is a lot of good advice, and I will add:
      Feminism isn’t only about the body-positivity of not losing weight, it is about choice. There are feminists who get stressed about women who quit their job to look after the kids because ‘that’s what we’re fighting against’, yet we should accept all choices provided they are made honestly. I would avoid diet talk with your friends, but if they ask then explain it is about your physical health.

    12. Jenny*

      I’d argue that eating healthy and exercising is body positive. I honestly feel like my brain is less foggy after I have exercised and when I’ve had plenty of water.

      It’s never wrong to do what is best for your own body. What you do or don’t weigh doesn’t say anything about anyone else.

      1. hermit crab*

        Yes! I think a lot of body positivity talk gets framed around acceptance (which is a static thing) when it should really be about love (which isn’t). You deserve to love your body as it is now and ALSO want to improve how it looks, feels and works! Those two things are not in conflict – rather, I think the former gives me extra motivation for the latter.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          This is such a great way to frame it. It can be applied to self-improvement in general. Just because you want to gain or get better at X or Y doesn’t mean you hate yourself before you learn or gain those things. You are loving and investing in yourself when you try to improve.

    13. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If you are trying to improve your health and you’ve got a friend who’s telling you that you need to “accept your body”, look them straight in the eye and respond with “Why are you telling me to accept poor health/being in pain daily/feeling sick/having no energy/etc when I can change it?” Or similar. The goal, frankly, is to make your friend feel bad for being a sucky friend, because they are. If they change their behavior, great! If they don’t, they’re not really your friend. Stop spending energy on them and find other friends.

      I don’t like the “body positivity” movement as it’s turned into. Not hating your body = good. Accepting that you’ve got whatever physical traits you don’t much like and being ok with them (not including things that indicate you’re not taking care of your body) = good. Encouraging people to improve their health in reasonable ways = good. Trying to make people who are fat and really need to get their acts together to address it think that it’s ok to be morbidly obese or whatever = bad. Shaming others who are trying to improve their health = bad. And body positivity has, as far as I have observed, gotten all of that backwards.

      1. Jenny*

        The so called “body positivity”, at least, as coopted by some people, is anything but. I’ve seen people told they weren’t body positive because they’d lost weight and that’s just utterly toxic.

      2. lazy intellectual*

        All of this.

        I think the body positivity movement has been appropriated by people who, unfortunately, haven’t really succeeded in becoming body positive themselves. You are not in a good place if you are shaming other people for their choices.

      3. Altair*

        Trying to make people who are fat and really need to get their acts together to address it think that it’s ok to be morbidly obese or whatever = bad.

        A person’s worth as a human is not actually related to what they weigh. But that’s another discussion.

      4. Grapey*

        “The goal, frankly, is to make your friend feel bad”

        I don’t think this should ever be a goal for friends. OP just saying how losing weight will help her feel physically better doesn’t have to be a dunk.

      5. Parenthetically*

        “people who are fat and really need to get their acts together to address it”

        Yeah this really ain’t it, chief.

      6. Observer*

        Trying to make people who are fat and really need to get their acts together to address it think that it’s ok to be morbidly obese or whatever = bad.

        I don’t know what world you live it. But in this world, people who are morbidly obese are well aware of it and are also well aware of the many, many downsides. Also, losing that weight is NOT simply about “getting their act together.” Some people could do a lot more than they are to lose some of that weight, true. But even for those people it’s rarely all that simple.

        This is exactly the kind of fact free fat shaming that body positivity at its best is intended to counter.

      7. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Since some of you seem to be missing the point – I was addressing a very specific and toxic type of “body positivity”, where being fat is celebrated even when the person is basically dying from their weight. If you haven’t seen that type, I’m sure you can find it online. It’s quite sad.

        Even outside that niche, I’m not going to tell someone who’s obese that their weight is healthy, because it’s not. Doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, it means they have some stuff to work on to hopefully improve their health. Whether it’s physical, mental, or emotional, it doesn’t matter. And I will support them in their efforts to improve their health.

        As for the it’s not nice to be make your friend feel bad, no it’s not. That’s the point. A “friend” who is acting like this isn’t acting like a friend. And OP has presumably asked politely. It is nicer to just dump the friend without warning? Hopefully, getting a shock will wake up the person and get them to stop the behavior.

        1. Altair*

          Are you a doctor? And are you *their* doctor? For any given person I don’t really think you can know the entirety of their health situation just by looking at them and judging them ‘obese’ or not. I could give you examples but I think you would just litigate their details, so instead I will say: if a particular person whose story you know wants your support as they lose weight, that’s one thing. But you cannot know whether or not someone needs to “get their act together” or even what that act *is* just from looking at them. Everyone has a different story — overweight people are no more ‘one size fits all’ than any other group.

          And you still cannot accurately judge someone’s worth by their size.

        2. Claire*

          Thank you for your service! Morbidly obese people have no idea that they’re not healthy, and no one has ever said anything to them to suggest that their bodies aren’t perfect!

          I’m also curious about where in OP’s post you got the impression that her friend is actively harassing her and that she has asked politely that she stop, or if your immediate reaction to an ideological disagreement with a friend is to make them feel bad on purpose.

    14. Remote HealthWorker*

      Loving your body will help you lose weight. As someone who is 30lbs down, I love my body now and I loved my body then. Feeling good about yourself makes it easier to make healthy choices.

      Whenever I was in self loathing mode my weight went up not down.
      Try mediating each day in a physical aspect you love about yourself.

    15. Nervous Nellie*

      A friend who is so into body positivity that they would stand in the way of your desire to improve your health is not being kind to you. And your efforts are none of their business – you did not appoint them as judges. They insist that you accept your body as is, but you have the veto vote – THEY have to accept what YOU want for you.

      I am with Two Cents below – don’t involve these friends in your process. And use Two Cents’ script for deflecting their judgemental comments in situations where you are eating, exercising, whatever. You’ve got this! :)

    16. another Hero*

      Your friend is probably as frustrated with you as you are with her. Conflating weight and health is usually wrong, and virtually everyone who has ever been thought to be a woman in this society (along with plenty of others) has experienced pressure about their body weight that they’ve found a way to deal with. If your way of dealing with it is by trying to get smaller and your friend’s way of dealing with it is fat acceptance, you’ve subscribed to vastly different frameworks. Please recognize that the approach you have chosen reinforces those pressures your friend is reacting against for good reason and that diet talk may be uncomfortable for her or for anyone else who has not agreed to enter into it, and talk about it with specific friends who share that interest rather than treating it as a neutral topic.

      1. Observer*

        Firstly, we tent to believe posters when they tell us stuff (absent specific reasons to question). Thus, it’s reasonable to accept that the OP actually DOES have good reason for believing that her health will improve with the loss of weight.

        The rest is stuff that I cannot politely respond to, except to say that at best it’s fact free and in parts actually counter factual.

    17. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I can see where the friend is coming from but also see your perspective OP and identify with it as well. Like others have said, don’t engage – I have a few friends that I talk to and some topics don’t broach. But if you were to engage, I would definitely focus more on the feeling better and improving health and completely ignore the aesthetics aspect of it. At the end of the day it’s about quality of life — someone heavier can be in perfect health but you’re living in your own body. My back still hurts and I can’t walk more htan a block or so at a time, it’s about a quality of life so I’ll do what I can do within my means to improve it. 

    18. KeinName*

      I am a body positive feminist, plus-size and would never dream of telling my friends they should not be skinny, fit, exercise or whatever. I aim to support my friends in their choices (thankfully they mostly make good ones, or bad ones which are learning opportunities). If they came to me though wanting me to try diets or participate in them shaming themselves for their size or eating habits I would be very unhappy. So I suggest asking your friend to be supportive since this is something you want to do and just ask how much you can share with her about your goals and strategies and experiences with exercise and change of eating habits.

    19. lazy intellectual*

      I don’t necessarily have close friends who are “body positive”, but being a liberal feminist, I’m part of some online communities that are. So my advice isn’t too helpful, but I just want to validate your concerns and say do what you want to do and ignore them. I’m very big on maintaining a certain physique and I don’t care to be accused of being “body negative” or “brainwashed by diet culture” or whatever. I don’t think we should discriminate against people who are larger, but what you do with your body is YOUR choice.

    20. Sunset Maple*

      Feminism needs to acknowledge that women are relentlessly conditioned to care about other people’s opinions at the expense of our own mental and physical health. If your feminism isn’t doing that, find a version that does.

      1. Washi*

        I am that body positive friend (kind of) but I would never try to convince someone to not lose weight if that’s what they wanted to do. I will say that if a friend is feeling free to talk to me about dieting, I will also feel free to share some of my thinking about dieting and sometimes ask them questions about where they’re coming from. Not to convince them that they’re wrong, but just…that’s how conversations work! Each of us sharing our thoughts, and I am genuinely open and curious about what they’re feeling.

        I can’t tell if your friend is telling you that you are wrong about how you are handling your body (not cool) or is more expressing opinions that diverge from your own when you try to talk about weight loss (part of friendship IMO). I am never going to be the kind of friend who cheers for every 1 pound loss or laments an extra serving of cake, and I’m wondering if maybe you are looking for the kind of approval/support that she honestly can’t give you. If you know losing weight is the right choice for you, then go for it! If you truly feel secure in your decision, it will be easier to draw boundaries and disregard extraneous opinions.

        2. Kiwi with laser beams*

          “I am never going to be the kind of friend who cheers for every 1 pound loss or laments an extra serving of cake, and I’m wondering if maybe you are looking for the kind of approval/support that she honestly can’t give you.”

          Yeah, I’m losing weight for health reasons and I’d love to know more about what these conversations consist of. Part of my rejection of diet culture is that I just *do* the healthy stuff my dietitian recommends, without making a big thing of it. And that actually fits well with the health aspect of what I’m doing, because these are things that I’ll have to do for the rest of my life, so it’s not bad to get used to them just being ordinary parts of my life. I get that someone people like being able to talk about every kilo or every time they went for something healthy rather than something unhealthy, but I can see why someone who doesn’t like diet culture wouldn’t be able to provide that kind of support.

        3. Oldbiddy*

          This. Hopefully OP will just not talk about their diet to those friends and all will be well. I’ve lost 20-40 lbs a few times in my adult life and used to be one of those people who talked about it all the time, but I just can’t and won’t anymore. The flip side of all the compliments is the fact that all those ‘you look so great now’ compliments made me feel extra bad about how I looked when I was heavier. I’m a feminist and a strong believer in body positivity, and these beliefs have gotten a lot stronger in the last 10 years. I lost weight a few years ago after my blood sugar was high at my annual physical, but this time around I didn’t make my friends hear much detail about it other than that I was doing it for health reasons and was seeing a nutritionist.
          My best friend lost a bunch of weight this year using Noom, and I supported her 100% of the way without much discussion of the specifics.
          There are a lot of online forums and people who like to talk about diet and weight and these can be very helpful if OP wants a sounding board and encouragment.

    21. Mx*

      I am body positive, I am anti-sexist, and I am still working on losing weight. It’s not incompatible. You can love your body and also want to make it as healthy as possible with proper food and exercise.
      Healthy food and exercise have a positive impact on our physical and mental health. It’s not just about weight.

    22. Alex*

      Hmmm…”Body positivity” does not mean “don’t try to improve your health.”

      Wanting to lose weight doesn’t mean you don’t accept your body! Body positivity is a rejection of the idea that the numbers on the scale or the sizes of our clothes should dictate our self worth, not that our body’s health isn’t important or that we should NOT do things that would make us feel good (like eat well and exercise).

      If I were trying to lose weight and a “friend” told me I wasn’t accepting my body as is, I’d say, actually, I’m honoring my body by trying to do well by it. And if that wasn’t enough I’d just tell her to STFU.

    23. Not So NewReader*

      Not everyone can be supportive of weight loss. In my own journey I can count on one hand the number of people who actually said something positive…. and my doc and his staff were three of those people. sigh.

      We don’t get to pick who encourages us and who doesn’t. We should be able to do that, what’s up there?!
      The only solution I found was to not discuss food/health/weight with these people.

      The highest compliment and most understanding I saw was when an aunt said to me, “Seeing how you look NOW, makes me understand that you were dying the whole time you were growing up and none of us understood.”
      Tears. Tears of joy. This woman got it.

      1. Laure001*

        Wow, Notsonewreader, this is fascinating. If you’d like to elaborate I’d love to read it! Kudos to your aunt, too.

    24. RagingADHD*

      I have learned that the “body positivity” movement has an awful lot of unexamined ageism and ableism lurking inside it.

      There are a lot of health conditions that are well-proven to be worse when you have higher body fat, and better when you don’t. Many of them are also correlated with age.

      It’s one thing to tell teens and twentysomethings not to worry about the number on the scale because they can be healthy at any size.

      But if you’re in midlife and/or have chronic medical conditions, it’s just blowing smoke up your ass to say your weight doesn’t matter.

      I have had plenty of supposed “body positive” people tell me my body’s needs don’t “count”, because it doesn’t fit the narrative.

      I’m against fat-shaming. I believe people can beautiful at any size. I know a lot of doctors do their patients a disservice by overly focusing on the scale and undertreating other issues.

      But negging, shaming, invalidating, or denying the real life experience of people whose bodies need to lose fat to be healthy isn’t “body-positivity.” It’s magical thinking.

      1. Kiwi with laser beams*

        Yeah, I’m someone who has one of those diseases and Health At All Sizes leaves behind those of us who don’t have that luxury. I’d like to see the body positive movement continue to fight against anti-fat bias in stuff like hiring, and behaviour like the altercation that led to the infamous “printout of Alison’s response on the coworker’s chair” incident, but shift from Health At All Sizes to analysing and solving the reasons why the success rate of weight loss is so low, especially the reasons that aren’t about the individuals. There are plenty of soapboxes to get on about stuff like the amount of unhealthy weight loss advice out there (and it’s not always stuff that can be easily identified as a fad diet) and the way it harms the body and keeps people trapped in the cycle of yo-yo dieting. I go to a top dietitian who has exactly that soapbox and it was eye-opening. So I applaud the fact that OP’s friends are so anti diet culture and anti fat shaming, but yeah, not everyone gets to be healthy at all sizes.

    25. Gaia*

      I am very big into body positivity. I believe we can and should love our bodies exactly as they are. But I’m also on a weight loss journey because of health concerns (I don’t believe weight and health are inherently tied together, but in my case they are somewhat connected).

      People who claim body positivity but don’t support what you want of your body (as long as you aren’t harming yourself) are not body positive. They are “bodies as I prefer them to be” positive.

    26. Alexandra Lynch*

      I’m doing something like that. I had to get to body positivity in order to view losing weight as an act of love for myself. I have arthritis in my feet. The less I weigh, the less I’ll hurt. That’s just physics.

      I think with friends it’s hard because at first you want them to celebrate with you, and if they view losing weight as being something you’re doing to fit society’s image of women, that’s really problematic. I would share the non-scale victories; I can stand longer, I went up a flight of stairs without being out of breath, I fit in the cute top I bought and couldn’t wear, I fold up tighter in yoga, I’m down a size in my bra and my back doesn’t hurt so badly, etc.

    27. Observer*

      Your outlook sounds quite reasonable to me. While it’s true that there is a lot of hype over the dangers of excess weight, there is also some fairly solid evidence that too much weight is genuinely bad for us, nothing to do with societal norms or the patriarchy. And it is certainly true that if you are finding your weight actually interferes with your health or ability to do your job (eg you get tired etc.) then losing weight is certainly a reasonable thing to attempt!

      There are two types of people who push back on this, generally.

      Type one pushes back if you talk about dieting too much or make a big issue of what you can and can’t eat etc. With there people it’s pretty straightforward. Keep diet talk to a minimum and don’t talk about “good” or “bad” foods at all. When you talk about your diet at all, it should be “good for me” or “bad for me”.

      Type two is doctrinaire and unreasonable. This may be CALLED body postivity, but it really is not in most cases. These people are harder to deal with. Cut off all diet talk. Don’t engage and don’t let the lecture you. If discussing where to get together leads to this kind of rant, then let them know that you are not going to ever get together with them in a food related way. Your health decisions are NOT up for their critiques and if going for a coffee is going to trigger this, that’s off the table. If that blows up the relationship. that will tell you all you need to know.

    28. Beeeeee*

      If you feel like you have to defend the dieting, make it not about losing weight. “I am trying this couch to 5k thing” or “I’m doing keto (example) because it helps with hormonal issues and I’ve been struggling”. Focus it not on the diet and more on…other benefits. Then it’s not about your body, it’s about your health. No one can say jack about you trying to improve your health.

  5. JobHunter*

    I was wondering if someone here might be able to answer this…how much does air pollution affect plants? I know ground level ozone can affect photosynthesis, but what about carbon monoxide, particulates, etc? Could a forest fire impact plants miles away? I would even appreciate some keywords to do a little reading. Thanks!

    1. StellaBella*

      Hi, here are some resources:
      Websites:
      Reference (dot) com, Title of page is ‘How Does Air Pollution Affect Plants?’
      Encyclopedie-environnement (dot) org (French but articles in English): ‘What is the impact of air pollutants on vegetation?’
      Ontario Ministry Of Agriculture, Food and Rural Affairs: ‘Effects of Air Pollution on Agricultural Crops’
      Sciencing (dot) com: ‘How Does Pollution Affect Photosynthesis?’
      ScienceDaily (dot) com: ‘Pollutants from wildfires affect crop and vegetation growth hundreds of kilometers from impact zone’

      Search in ScienceMag (dot) org too – over 900 results when searching on the topic. Key words include air pollution and plants, air quality and plants, effects of poor air quality on plants, effects of pollution on plants, air pollution and agriculture…. hope this is a good start. Terms ‘fire particulates and plant health’ yield a few results, as do SO2 Emissions, and ‘forest health and global change’ may help too.

      In terms of agricultural practices look up topics like ‘crop residue burning’ and pollution effect on plants. Good. research topic for sure.

      1. JobHunter*

        Thanks StellaBella. The Science Daily article talks about photosynthetic capacity and stomatal conductance too. I didn’t really clarify what I was looking for very well. I think not knowing what to look for is what is keeping me stuck in this search loop.

        Most of what I have read talked about photosynthetic capacity, but I am interested in more visible physiological effects. I noticed that several of my flowering plants aborted buds and newly expanding leaves very suddenly after a fire started some miles away. They are in a climate-controlled building. I’m trying to understand what could have happened here (I am a master gardener intern).

        1. pancakes*

          It might be worth taking a close look at the Gardeners’ World site / magazine / show for this sort of thing. It’s a good resource in general. I did a quick search of YouTube & Google and it looks like there’s some interesting content from the US National Center for Atmospheric Research, too. I’ll link to an article from the Colorado Sun in a separate comment.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      You might be interested in the “year without a summer” in 1816. That was caused by volcanic eruptions throwing a lot of particulates into the atmosphere. The effects were pretty much global. Interesting stuff.
      You probably already know some plants are grown expressly to counteract pollution. I think I once heard about Russian Olive trees in this regard, but it’s been long enough I don’t remember details.

  6. Vic Venti*

    What do you like about where you live? (City, state or country)

    I live in Western Australia and I know that we are somewhat parochial and this has been enhanced in the COVID era as it has been well controlled here. I don’t want to embrace the parochialism per se, but I love my home state and think it’s an awesome place to live. Weather here is fantastic, natural landscape has some wonderful and diverse sights and the culture is laidback.

    What would you say are the best aspects of where you live?

    No negatives if possible and try to avoid politics

    1. Scc@rlettNZ*

      I’m from Dunedin, New Zealand and moved back here years ago after living overseas for a long time (mainly in the UK and Australia, interspersed with lots of travelling). If anyone had told me that I’d end up happily living back here I would have told them they were mad. I was leaving and never coming back.

      But I really enjoy the town now. My commute to work is about a 7 minute drive, housing is affordable here (although less so than it used to be). We have gorgeous beaches and amazing wildlife right on our doorstep. Central Otago with its wineries and fantastic scenery is only a 3.5 hour drive away (plus their ski fields if you are into that).

      Dunedin has great bars, restaurants and theatres. It has gorgeous architecture and a great sense of history. It’s an easy place to live – a great compact wee city.

        1. Sc@rlettNZ*

          KeinName – Dunedin is a very different city to Auckland. In my opinion Wellington is much closer in feel – it’s just a larger version. Glad you enjoyed your time here :-)

    2. Job Carousel*

      I’m a native (US) Midwesterner but am currently living in the Western US for work (a landlocked state several states away from a coast or a border). I’m hoping to move back to the Midwest next year as it will always be home to me…but where I currently live I do appreciate a lot more natural beauty. There are half a dozen national parks within a 6-hour drive, perfect for weekend trips, and within that radius there are so many climate/landscape changes, ranging from alpine forest to high desert to marshland. There’s a lot of natural history in this region that includes dinosaurs (and some fantastic museums featuring dinosaur exhibits that I used to go regularly pre-COVID closures). Also with the elevation and aridity of where I live, the weather is most commonly blue skies and sunshine, which is great for my mood; we seldom get more than a day or two in a row of overcast skies.

      1. mwut*

        I am also a midwesterner living in a landlocked western state. I have really grown to love the high-desert landscapes and find it very beautiful here. I also love that I can sit outside on summer evenings without worrying about mosquitos!

    3. Hazy Days*

      I’ve really come to appreciate my neighbourhood during lockdown. I live on the edge of a small, famous, historic city – I’m very much in the unexciting Victorian suburbs (and these are English suburbs, not American – lots of Victorian terraces and semis). BUT in 15 mins cycle I can be out in the countryside, walking on an archaeological site, in the woods or meadows, etc. The local shopkeepers have been lovely during this time, neighbours have been friendly – it’s great. It helps there’s much reduced traffic of course. And there are all sorts of fascinating old houses and trees that is never appreciated before.
      So I’ve really changed my opinion of the place I live, and I hope it will last once the heavy traffic begins to flow again!

    4. StellaBella*

      I live in a ‘diplomat-populated’ city in the geographic centre of Europe. I love our parks, nature – bats, birds, trees, lakes, rivers, cool bugs, walkable neighbourhoods, interesting history, the old town, the public transport, how quiet it is on Sundays (no real traffic noise), and how in a short. train or bus ride I can be hiking in a forest or on a mountain. I love the local people from here that I am friends with, the sense of community and history of the small country. I also love the security and general sense of being in a place that is orderly and things just sort of work most of the time.

      1. Kate*

        Pretty sure we live in the same city!

        As a North American transplant, there is a lot about my “diplomat-populated” city in the geographic centre of Europe that drives me crazy, particularly around rules and bureaucracy, but the flip of side of those is that I don’t really have to work that hard to make better choices. Taking public transit is way easier than driving here, bio/organic items are as readily available and many are as competitively priced as their non-organic counterparts, the babysitter and the woman who comes to clean our home got paid 70%, not by me, during the lockdown, the parks and roundabouts have ample poo bags and garbage cans available for when I take the dog for a walk…

    5. duckduckrabbit*

      I live in Victoria, Australia so Australia as well as OP.

      I love it here. Melbourne is an amazing city with heaps of culture and things to do. There’s always something great to do. Great restaurants, the arts, shopping, sport, museums and lifestyle.

      We have some great beaches out the city and lovey nature areas. Australia overall is fairly good. Plenty to work on of course, like any country. But overall I’m pretty happy in Australia compared to other choices.

    6. Asenath*

      I love the city I currently live in, and have done so since I first visited it as a child. I’ve lived in other places ranging from very small towns to much larger cities, but this one is, well, just right. Big enough to support the kinds of activities I like, small enough to get around easily – in my neighbourhood I can even walk to many places I need to go. There’s a nice balance of housing and parks, with walking trails all over the place, and a picturesque harbour surrounded by rocky hills. OK, maybe the climate is a bit rough at times – we do have long winters and lots of precipitation (rain, snow, freezing rain etc all in season), but when we have good weather, it’s really spectacular. There’s even something nice about sitting cosily inside with a book when it’s storm. I’m so glad I decided years ago to move here, and even managed to stay in or near my favourite neighbourhood all these years!

    7. Jaid*

      I live in Philly which is pretty known for its history. It’s also got two rivers, lots of park system and it’s fairly easy to get out to the country/mountains. I think I have the best of everything here…except the ocean. ;-)

      1. Not a cat*

        The Jersey Shore is only an hour and a half away! I was born and raised in Philadelphia :)

      2. ThatGirl*

        I live near Chicago now and really like it, but I lived near Philly as a kid and it will always have a place in my heart. (And yes, I’ve been back as an adult.)

      3. Ryan Howard’s White Suit*

        I live in the deep, Deep South, but make my husband apply for just about every employment opportunity in the Philadelphia area that comes up (out of area applicants are the norm in his field, but outliers in mine) because it seems like such a great place to live for all the reasons you state!

      4. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        Also in Philly! Good public transportation, extensive park system as you said, I can drive to see my family in a different part of the state and take the bus or train to NYC if I want to. I’m hoping to move to a part of the city with more trees/some outdoor space once our current lease is up, but I like that I’m within walking distance of some really good food right now.

        1. Jaid*

          I’d say come to the Far Northeast, but we really don’t have a lot of fancy dining places. We do have some awesome Asian supermarkets, though and a dim sum restaurant that Craig Leban of the Inquirer loves.

    8. GoryDetails*

      I live in New England, though I spent some years in Louisiana and Wyoming in my youth. I found things to love in all those places, though the southern heat and humidity puts it at the bottom of my “favorite places I’ve ever lived” list. Where I am now gives me a mix of big-city culture, woodland trails and nature preserves, and lots of orchards and farms. I’m within an hour’s drive of several major cities and cultural centers, as well as the seacoast, and a slightly longer drive would pull in some scenic mountains. There’s a really varied foodie culture and a lot of tantalizing microbreweries – though now I’m getting a bit melancholy, as I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit those places the way I used to…

      1. Altair*

        I’m also in New England, and you’ve hit most of the points I was going to. Also, where I am, in the suburbs of a major city, is pleasantly diverse — I like living someplace where there are many people of different skintones and cultures. It makes me feel safer than when I’ve been The Only POC.

    9. Liane*

      Arkansas is rightly The Natural State. So many beautiful features — mountains, rivers and tiny creeks, wooded areas, parks, hiking trails. Lots of wild animals even in the capital where we live. Deer, grackles, red wing blackbirds, black squirrels*, raptors, buzzards, coyotes. My son and I once saw a litter of baby rabbits outside their hole, by a sidewalk and a litter of foxes in a tiny garden at church, both in the city.

      *due to melanism, a genetic trait that is the opposite of albinism.

      @Scc@rlettNZ: I grew up in Dunedin, Florida!

      1. Sc@rlettNZ*

        Liane – Apparently the two Dunedins are frequently mixed up. Our local newspaper did an article about it a few years ago and there were several funny stories from folk who thought that they were dealing with a business in Dunedin, Florida, and vice versa.

        On a cruise a couple of years ago, my partner and I ended up joining some other guests to make up a quiz team. They had all grown up in Dunedin, Florida! (And our team ended up winning – go Dunedin lol).

        1. Liane*

          Sc@rlettNZ– the mix-up is so funny. Hope I can find the article online, after I virtual-tour your Dunedin. And yes “Go Dunedin!” I have many fond memories of mine.

          Dunedin, Florida has Scottish heritage. Annual Highland Games, both Dunedin Middle and High Schools had a pipe and drum corps in the marching bands and Scottish dancers instead of flag and/or baton units.

    10. Long Time Fed*

      I live in the Washington, DC suburbs. It’s not perfect, but I love our multiculturalism, access to the arts, proximity to everything (3 airports within 30 minutes of my home, the beach is a 2.5 hour drive away, and we can be in NYC in a few hours). Professionally, we are as “recession proof” as we can be because of the government influence. There is a lot of opportunity here.

      1. Dan*

        I’m curious how you manage to be 30 minutes from all three airports :D

        The thing I like about DC on top of what you mention is there are four pro sports teams plus a lot of history and the fact we live somewhere where they like to shoot movie sets from time to time.

        I grew up in the middle of nowhere, and it’s kind of weird to live in a place that I grew up reading about in both history and civics classes.

        1. Christy*

          Hah! You got me curious—Forest Glen Metro is 30, 30, and 31 minutes from each on google maps. So it is possible!!

        2. Deanna Troi*

          Dan, I’m not Long Time Fed (well, I am, but not the one to whom you’re responding), and if you don’t go during heavy traffic: Silver Spring.

          1. Washi*

            <3 <3 Same!!

            One thing that's always been weird to me – why do the suburbs have such a reputation for being homogeneous rich places? My experience living in the DMV is that the suburbs are often just as if not more diverse than DC proper. I always thought I wouldn't like living in the suburbs and pictured it as endless developments that all look the same, but Silver Spring feels super diverse and lively and many parts (like where I live) are just as walkable as DC.

    11. Practicalities*

      *waves to OP*
      I lived in Western Australia for a year a long time ago and loved it there too. I miss the weather (but not the lack of central heating), the forests and the downtown pedestrian streets in Perth.

      The thing I’ve loved about all the places I’ve lived (Calgary, Whitehorse and Barrie, Canada too) are the green spaces in the cities — sometimes wee little, sometimes several km’s in size. Being able to see and hear some birds, see a coyote or beaver, breathe in the fresher air but be a short distance away from everything civilization has is awesome.

      1. Vic Venti*

        Haha, my hubby is from the UK and our lack of central heating is a frequent rant of his! As I sit with my feet in the sun on a glorious 19degrees Celsius winter day, I think central heating is overrated!

        1. Practicalities*

          LOL, I arrived in WA in your winter/my summer (so say 27deg C) so that might have something to do with it. It got down to about 10degC in the house where I was living and I remember waking up in the same position I fell asleep in because the rest of the bed was too cold to warm up!

    12. LDN Layabout*

      I love London. I’ve lived in a lot of places and it’s the one where I feel at home.

      I love how easy it is to travel places, since it’s a hub for trains and planes. I love the ease of going to the theatre/opera/museums etc. without having to do much advance planning. I love playing tourist when friends come to visit. The range of restaurants is amazing. I am a city person but I love how many parks there are and how easy public transport is to explore bits of the city that aren’t mine.

      I love the mix of new and old everywhere (protip: if anyone ever tells you there’s nothing to explore in the City because it’s a ‘business district’, they’re missing out on a ton of interesting history). There’s a number of local sports grounds for the sports I follow and even more just a short day trip away.

      It’s just my place, even with all the drawbacks.

      1. pancakes*

        London is one of my favorite cities and I hope to live there someday rather than just visiting now & then. There are two London-centric twitter accounts I’ve been particularly enjoying lately – @VanishedLondon and @FlickeringLamps. The Spitalfields Life site is great too.

      2. lazy intellectual*

        I’ve visited London a couple of times and loved it. I want to go back at some point, obviously post-pandemic.

      3. Erika22*

        *waves* Also love living in London for all of these reasons! And funnily enough, though lockdown has been really difficult in some ways (social distancing is hard in such a populated area, small flat, hard to go many places when not using public transport, etc) it’s also made me appreciate the city all the more. I ventured downtown yesterday and it hit me anew – you forget how beautiful the city can be when you aren’t in it all the time!

        That being said, lockdown has really highlighted it would be nice to live in a (slightly) less populated area, or closer to a more significant outdoor space, or at least have a larger flat/house – so I’m currently researching commuter towns or boroughs further from central London for fun. I really couldn’t go too rural and want to keep all the positives of living close to London, so I’m trying to find the best of both worlds!

    13. Anonymous Educator*

      I live in Los Angeles, and I’ve got to say this town gets an undeserved bad rap. Granted, neither I nor my spouse is involved in the entertainment industry, but I find people here to be genuinely (i.e, not fake) nice.

      There were also a couple of misconceptions I had about LA before moving here:
      1. I thought of LA as just flat. A lot of it is flat, but there are areas that are also quite hilly/mountainous and pretty.
      2. I thought the LA public transportation system would be garbage. While it can’t compete with London, NY, HK, Tokyo, etc.; it’s a lot better than SF’s (where I used to live) public transit.

      There are beautiful gardens to visit around here (Descanso, Arboretum, Huntington), and, of course, we have Disneyland nearby (though, I’m a bit scared about it re-opening next month—too soon!).

      2. Chaordic1*

        I lived in the Los Angeles area (including several years in Pasadena) for 16 years. I found the public transportation to be “meh,” and the traffic awful, but I loved it. I’m one of those people who ended up being priced out. I was paying more than half my take-home pay for rent and couldn’t find myself a better-paying job. There were always lots of fun things going on (concerts and stuff), but I couldn’t afford to go to most of them which made living there frustrating.

    14. Katefish*

      I live in NYC and love the vibrant, diverse, resilient culture and the beautiful, not TOO hot summer. I like that NY is a direct culture, and it’s also proactively helpful, which is nice. Summer on Long Island at the beach is gorgeous. Not a fan of the cold but the four distinct seasons are pretty.

      1. Altair*

        I was born and raised in one of NYC’s many immigrant communities. NYC is one of the great cities of civiilization, like Babylon and Rome and London, and I loved it as a kid (when I could take advantage of its amenities, anyway).

      2. Mimmy*

        I’ve lived in NJ my entire life. You’re going to think I’m absolutely nuts, but I’m getting tired of the distinct seasons; for me, it’s a reminder of the passage of time, which is going too fast!

        But I will definitely agree regarding the vibrant diversity of NYC.

    15. Potatoes gonna potate*

      What I like about living here – Hmmm. I’m in NYC and at one point in my life I could never imagine leaving. I loved living here. When I loved it, I loved the idea of possibility, finding anything at any time. I’m still in this city but in the boroughs and…I like in my neighborhood that there are major highways near by and lots of access to public transit?

    16. Smol Book Wizard*

      I am temporarily (but hopefully more permanently soon!) living in the Pacific Northwest and am over the moon about the weather here. Sometimes the rain does get to me, especially when I have to walk the dog – but I come from the south and just the sensation of *not being in physical discomfort due to the heat* is such a wonderful treat.
      I also love being able to see the mountains on the horizon. I don’t know how many years it would take for me to get used to the sight – I’ve visited here often, but it still feels like something out of a fairy tale rather.

      1. Windchime*

        I live in a place where I can sometimes see Mt. Baker and Mt Rainier at the same time and that’s such a beautiful treat. But it has been so overcast and rainy for months now that I’m starting to get a little depressed or something. I love those mornings, though, when I’m driving to Seattle and I come around the corner and –BAM!!!!– there is Mt. Rainier in all her glory. So gorgeous.

    17. lazy intellectual*

      It’s very comfortable. I live conveniently close to everything. Back when I used to go places, because I live equidistant from the city and the more naturesque, rural part of the state, I’d have my pick of where to go for fun. Some weekends I would go hiking or exploring small, local towns. Other weekends, I would go to a bar and party it up in the city. I’m pretty happy here. The only downside is the weather – I grew up in a very warm climate and decided that I don’t care for winters, and would rather skip them.

    18. HannahS*

      In Toronto, there’s a fair amount of greenspace. How accessible it is to you depends on where you are–some of the condos aren’t close to parks, and there are suburbs that are more car-oriented–but all along the lake, and along many rivers there are public parks. It’s wonderful; along Lakeshore Blvd it’s been largely developed for the public to enjoy.

    19. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I live in Oklahoma, actually.

      It is, literally, one of the last places I would ever have considered living, but it was also the only state that gave me a job offer where I could live off the salary without having to work 3 other jobs haha.

      I planned to leave after 3 years, I just hit 4, and am engaged to a local whose family is here, so we will be here for many years yet.

      I love the people, they’re generally good and friendly people.

      The cost of living is obscenely low, especially compared to my home state.

      Tons of space, so you’re rarely crammed up on top of your neighbors.

      My city is very easy to get around as well.

      Also, good food!

    20. 2QS*

      I live in Toronto, a vibrant city that I adore. There is so, so much going on here, always. Incredible amount of arts and culture and even humour. You have your pick of things to do, including some that are niche or nonexistent elsewhere. (Can the city interest you in a giant adult-sized indoor obstacle course for fun or exercise or both? Skydiving, except in a stationary wind tube? Want to visit a blacksmith workshop with a partner and help make your own wedding rings?) Same goes for food. If you want Tibetan food, absolutely – and you have your pick of restaurants. If you need geek-hangouts-with-food-and/or-drink, same. How about coffee so strong it would almost satisfy Australians? Heck, if you just need a giant American cinnamon bun, likewise. You can go for a walk in just about any direction and find something at least moderately interesting that you never knew about before. Even if you’re just wandering around the main streets, you might see something intriguing. A guy dressed as Spider-Man hanging from a fencepost. A woman with two parrots on her shoulders (accepting selfie requests for charity donation). Why is Yonge Street closed today? Wait, is that…a whole cavalcade of people on skateboards? It is! I’m going to sit here for 20 minutes and watch them all go by.

      The parks are lovely and everywhere. The city is flat enough that most of it is easy to cycle around and walk in, but it also has enough little hills and bends and corners (especially the deep, dramatic, very woodsy ravines) that it doesn’t feel like a monotonous landscape. A whole string of beaches lie along the Lake Ontario shore, and most of them are remarkably clean (even for swimming!) considering that they sit at the foot of a very large city. There is a large network of streetcars (mostly physically accessible!), and they’re great fun to either ride on or to watch go by. My coworkers are from about 15 different countries and we get along well. Marriage equality has been a thing on the national level for fifteen years, and the white mainstream is getting better at listening to Indigenous, Black, and other POC viewpoints. (My ethnic and religious background are both a bit of a mix, and in some of the places I have lived other than this, I was clearly Not Quite Like Everyone Else. Here, absolutely everyone takes it in stride to begin with, knowledge of perspectives that overlap with mine is good – sometimes excellent – even through much of the WASP-y settler core, and on top of that, recently I’ve seen a lot more active work to be inclusive and not presumptuous.)

    21. Elizabeth West*

      I live in Missouri and the weather is interesting. If you’ve seen those memes that show six kinds of weather in a day, I can tell you they’re accurate, lol. In late autumn through winter and spring, we can go from warm enough to go without a jacket in the morning to snow in the afternoon. In spring and summer, it can turn on a dime. You can have a blue sky and then be running for the tornado shelter. Spring here is usually really pretty — lots of people plant redbud trees and dogwoods (the state tree), so there are flowers everywhere — but it’s volatile.

      We sometimes get leftovers from Gulf Shore hurricanes. By the time they make it up here, they’re tropical depressions, but they can be rainmakers. The last one, Tropical Storm Cristobal, barreled right up into southwest Missouri and had a tantrum all over OldCity.

      And in May 2009, we got hit with a super derecho that was so intense it has its own Wikipedia page. (Google “May 2009 Southern Midwest Derecho” to read about it.) That was so freaky. I drove to work under a sky that was midnight black (I am not exaggerating) with all the streetlights on, and then around 8:30, my work got hit by a tornado, followed by gale-force straight-line winds. D:

      You said it had to be something nice, and that’s all I have, lol.

  7. Pineapples*

    I have a question about a term I’m seeing more often online: BIPOC. My understanding is it stands for “black, indigenous, and people of color.”

    I’m a little confused why two are separated out from POC. Don’t black and indigenous count as POC? Is it for emphasis? Why is everyone else “other POC” rather than giving them their own letters?

    I’m especially curious to hear from people who embrace the term for themselves as an alternative to POC.

    1. StellaBella*

      Check out The BIPOC Project (dot) org – and also look at the HerCampus (dot) com website for the article What Is BIPOC and Why You Should Use It By Mahreen Ansari

      Language evolves (as noted in the Ansari article) as do cultural norms and societal values and ways of interacting. I am white, so I cannot speak to embracing the term for myself, but I can say that new terms to help us generate inclusion are good.

    2. matcha123*

      When I first began hearing and seeing POC used in media, I thought it was a great way to be inclusive of racial minority groups in North America. But POC seems to have evolved into a stand-in for “black” for a lot of media outlets.
      I get the feeling that by putting the BI in front, it’s drawing attention to the fact that you can’t just toss out “POC” as a “kinder” way of saying “black,” and that the needs of, say, East and Southeast Asian Americans or Pacific Islanders are going to be different from those of black or Native American populations.

      As a brown person myself, I suggest being specific about the groups you are talking about. If you are talking about black people, just say black people. If you’re talking about Asian Indians, then say that. If you have minority friends, just refer to them in the terms they prefer. Not everyone voted on certain phrases that have become popular recently.

    3. LGC*

      My understanding is that it’s partly that Black and Indigenous people in the US have been especially singled out for systematic racism and oppression (and in the case of Indigenous people, genocide), so that’s why they’re specified.

      (Which is not to say that Latinx and AAPI people have been treated much better historically! Like, we did put George Takei in a literal concentration camp IIRC. And we put Central American children in cages today.)

      Also…to be honest, some people do use “POC” as a byword for “Black.” I think it’s the mirror of the UK’S BAME (Black, Asian, and Minority Ethnic if I have that right).

      1. Pineapples*

        Ohh I didn’t realize that’s what BAME stood for! I have similar questions about that term as well then. I definitely agree people use POC to mean Black, but I don’t see how that will change with BIPOC as long as we have literal black-and-white thinking about race and ethnicity.

        I do like that BIPOC highlights indigenous in a way that’s rare in discussions of systemic oppression. But I do worry that the term further marginalizes groups like Asians and Latinos, who also have faced historical injustices and are often seen as “other” or “foreign”.

        1. LGC*

          Yeah, it’s not a perfect term (and I’ll admit I’m a bit biased because I’m Black and included at the head of the acronym). And I can’t speak to the injustices that Asians (whether from East Asia or South Asia), Latinx people, and Middle Eastern people face.

          Ultimately though, I think the main issue is that we’re forced into talking about Black issues, Indigenous issues, Latinx issues, AAPI issues, and Middle Eastern issues (am I missing anyone?) as if they’re all part of one collective…which they are in a sense (White supremacy), but it’s just such a wide-ranging topic. matcha123 really got it right, I think – “BIPOC” is a start, but then you need to address specific issues.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Also because some indigenous people are not dark-skinned, like the Sámi in Northern Scandinavia.

    5. Llellayena*

      I’m glad to see this thread because I had to look up the term myself. When I looked it up there was no “and” in the description, so it was just black, indigenous people of color. I took this to mean that it was referring to a subset of POC (which would also include Latino, Asian, etc) for black non-immigrants. Adding the “and” opens the term back up and isn’t any more descriptive than just POC. (I am paper white, so I don’t mind being corrected if I’m interpreting wrong)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yes, it is more descriptive, some indigenous people who’ve been subject to discrimination, eugenics, etc. are white.

    6. Disco Janet*

      Interesting question! This reminds me of something we discussed back in one of my favorite college courses – it was regarding the term LGBTQ+, and questioning whether by giving some groups their own letter and others just having to fall under the plus sign, are we privileging some groups over others? That isn’t most people’s intent, it’s just the way the acronym and language evolved – but it does seem to marginalize someone who is already a part of a marginalized group.

      1. Pineapples*

        I definitely see the parallels to LGBT+, and in my experience people add more or fewer letters and let the acronym stand for everyone, lettered or not. But BIPOC is extra confusing to me because it’s already a subset, like if we had LG&Sexual/Gender Minorities or something.

    7. hermit crab*

      My impression (though I could be wrong!) is that it has been more common in other English-speaking countries and is just now becoming a thing in the U.S.

      You’re also definitely not alone in having questions about it. I recently stumbled on a twitter conversation sparked by someone (a comedian type, maybe?) saying something like “I was today years old when I realized that BIPOC doesn’t stand for Bisexual People of Color. I was wondering why we were taking this moment to tackle bi erasure!” There were a lot of lighthearted responses from bi-BIPOC (? lol) that I found both very funny and very informative.

    8. kz*

      When I learned the term there was no “and.” So it’s intended to make the term “POC” (which as other folks noted, has been watered down) more specific.

      1. Pineapples*

        Oh that is interesting. I can actually see Black and Indigenous People of Color as a helpful specifier in certain circumstances…though why do you need OC there, couldn’t you just say Black and Indigenous People.

        Umbrella terms are complicated, it seems.

  8. MistOrMister*

    Does anyone have suggestions for cat teeth cleaning? I got some wipes from the pet store last weekend and have a cat toothbrush as well. When I’ve tried using the toothbrush in the past, it has not gone well. I’m not sure the wipes will do much good either. But my cats have genetically bad teeth so we need to get on the cleaning train. I love my cats, but I don’t love how they go bonless and turn into a hard to hold squirmy puddle when teeth are involved!

    1. Anonymous because reasons*

      I use my finger and rub the cat toothpaste directly on their teeth! They quite like it because it’s fishy. It’s not very effective I don’t think, they just end up licking it off, but it’s better than nothing. I imagine letting them ‘chew’ the brush with the paste on would be just as good.

      I always find taking one of them to the vets for their teeth clean very stressful, not to mention expensive.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      Have you tried the finger brush that slips over like a condom? It might be easier. There are water additives but I didn’t find them to work.

      My vet said she gave up on daily cleaning and just does a big yearly cleaning because it stressed out her animals.

      To address the cost of a yearly pet dental: I found a clinic that only does surgery -you have everything lined up with your vet (diagnosis, etc) and then this place does the actual work. They do pet dental for around $200 It’s a lot less expensive than my vet! Maybe your area has something like that.

    3. Trixie*

      One Youtube video showed a helpful starting position. Kneeling on the floor with cat between knees and both facing forward in same direction. Leaning forward over cat to angle their mouth up but they are anchored from squirming backwards. I think I would start with getting them familiar with the placement first, grooming or petting or treats. Then same placement while scratching chin and starting to look at their teeth, basically step by step if possible. My cat LOVES the flavor of some chicken tooth paste but we haven’t gotten past taste test. I’m looking for a softer brush versus the massive one that came with tooth paste. I’m fine with regular cleanings but my guy is no spring chicken so slightly more risky.

      This is something I would absolutely start early on with a kitten so they become used to. I did that with current cat so he was comfortable both a carrier and car rides. Made all the difference 17 years later.

    4. Lizabeth*

      My cats didn’t like the finger toothbrush but they did tolerate a baby toothbrush. It was always a two person job, one to hold and one to brush.

    5. KoiFeeder*

      Virbac CET enzyme chews. I think they make them in cat, I know they make them for dogs. They’ve been helpful for Sir Fusspot, who will NOT let you touch his face.

    6. Kuododi*

      Back when I was maidservant to the feline overlords…I would have to get an old towel and make a cat burrito for health and safety. (Regardless of the situation….teeth cleaning, dosing with meds etc) Helped cut down on battle scars. Good luck!!!

  9. MistOrMister*

    Is anyone taking this time of staying home to foster a pet? I’ve considered it with a dog, but I don’t want to get a foster and then have to leave it at home all day alone if we go back to the office. That’s the whole reason I got cats instead of dogs in the first place.

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      Fostering is great! You could look into doing vacation/short term fosters. These are for when the foster “parents” need to go out of town. It could be a weekend, week, whatever. Check with your local organizations.

      If you have an especially long day away then your fosters would need supplemental help for potty/walking.

      1. MistOrMister*

        What a great idea! I can’t believe that didn’t occur to me. Thanks. I tried fostering and ended up with 2 permanent cats, and don’t think I’m good at long term fostering as I get too attached. But temporary help would be right up my alley.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I suggested it to my husband who wasn’t interested in “a surprise dog”. :( We both have to be on board for a pet, so I’m still sans canine.

    3. hermit crab*

      Me! We’re on our second foster since April and it’s SUPER fun. I am working from home for at least the whole summer, so there’s no issues with leaving the dog alone. It’s a great compromise for us because I have serious puppy fever (apparently when my biological clock ticks it says “dog” rather than “baby”), but my spouse isn’t really a dog person and our non-pandemic lifestyle isn’t a good fit for a dog anyway.

      CoffeeforLife’s suggestion of respite fostering could be really good, if you have a lot of flexibility right now. The rescue we work with also encourages short-term “dogventure” fostering, where you take a dog for the weekend to give them a break from the kennel.

      1. Anxious Cat Servant*

        My bio clock ticks for kittens rather than kids so I know what you mean! Fostering kittens has been great during the pandemic – all the fun of the little furballs without the lifelong commitment. We have two full-time cats and while I could handle up to four, if I got a new kitten (or pair) every time my bio clock said we need a kitten, we’d be a definite hoarder situation. So fostering helps that (and reminds me how much ENERGY those little ones have!) while also saving tiny lives. Win win!

    4. Not a cat*

      We took a three year-old Labradoodle for six weeks. I spend most of it potty and leash training him. Smart dog, but super hyper. He’s with his “forever” owner now, but to be honest, I don’t think the placement was a great choice. But, the head of the foster org didn’t ask my opinion. I really hope it works out.

    5. Natalie*

      I wouldn’t worry too much about the future possibility that you might not be home all day. First of all, most adult dogs are perfectly fine being left alone during the workday – dogs are crepuscular, meaning most active at dawn and dusk, and often sleep a lot during the day. In fact, part of fostering for many dogs is getting used to be left alone during the day, since their forever family will likely be doing that. (I’m actually worried that our younger dog will have a tough adjustment whenever I go back to the office.)

      Second, you’re kind of borrowing trouble. If you go back to the office when you have the foster and if there are issues with the dog being left at home, you can address then. Foster placements have to be changed all the time for various reasons, in the not super likely event that you were no longer able to foster the dog, the shelter/rescue would find it another home.

    6. Four-legged Fosterer*

      I foster all the time, both dogs and cats.

      I suggest that you be honest with a rescue about your schedule now and when you return to work, and see what they say. There are plenty of dogs that do well when you are away for the day. My situation isn’t ideal as I put puppies in a large crate when I am at work, and have a spot for them in there to ‘potty’. Ideally I wouldn’t have them potty at all indoors, and would properly house-train them, but the rescues are fine with it because it’s better than them being dead. The new adoptive homes can do the proper house-training. It’s also hard to coordinate moving a full litter of young puppies outdoors, so it makes more sense for the adopters to properly start the training at 8-9 weeks old. The adult dogs are fine if I’m at work 9 hours a day. If a rescue really needs help with fostering then they will find a way to make it work with you.

      Note that in the northern U.S. there are often a lot of foster homes and not a lot of dogs in rescue. So if you apply and don’t get a response, or if they respond saying that they have enough applicants, then it’s not personal. Right now our cat rescues have enough foster homes, and the dog rescues have almost no dogs in care (because many of them come from the South – chis from Texas are popular) so they aren’t accepting new applicants.

      Good luck! I highly recommend applying, as it’s rewarding to send them off to new homes.

    7. Sam I Am*

      When I looked into fostering dogs, (ended up not doing it for Reasons) I found a couple of orgs that do short term foster setups. One was fostering for military while they were deployed, the listings at the time were for 3 month overseas training deployments, so, hard end date.
      Another was fostering dogs for people who were undergoing surgery and couldn’t care for the animal while the human recovered. The end date was less defined, but still a capped commitment, not an open ended “once they’re adopted” scenario.
      Good luck!

  10. LGC*

    Okay, so…I promised that I’d come back with some resources about black runners last week (well, two weeks ago, actually), but things have been overwhelming to say the least. Not only with just life in general, but specifically because I’ve been going through a ton of podcasts.

    So I’ll start with a running pod that people should subscribe to: Keeping Track. Alysia Montano is one of the hosts, and she is AMAZING. (If the name rings a bell for anyone, she’s the professional runner who ran an 800 like 8 months pregnant a few years ago. And she’s continued to be an advocate for women’s rights and racial equality in the running world since.)

    1. Runner Nerd*

      I love Keeping Track!

      Another podcast that has had several Black runners as guests lately is the Allie on the Run Show.

      The Fast Women newsletter (and Twitter account and Facebook group) covers lots of women’s running.

    2. Lady Jay*

      Ooo, I have suggestions for Black runners, largely because I follow runners / professional (ultra)running.

      I recommend Aliphine Tuliamuk on Twitter –– she won the Olympic Trials for women’s marathon in Atlanta earlier this year. She’s a naturalized US citizen originally from Kenya and has a very positive, upbeat social media presence. I love following her.

      Eliud Kipchoge (the runner who set the sub-two hour marathon) has a strong Insta presence, usually of him running with his team.

      Also, right now ultrarunner Coree Woltering is trying to set a speed record on the thousand-mile Ice Age Trail in Wisconsin. He’s cutting it *very* close; we should know sometime on Monday whether he makes it. He’s obviously not posting much of anywhere right now, but he has a Twitter presence, and the FKT website will have info about his attempt.

  11. Drtheliz*

    I think I have quarrantine ennui. I’m increasingly tempted to just take some clippers and shave my head (I have hip-length hair). I would donate the offcuts to a local org, but… This would be very drastic and I have a huge red birthmark at the base of my skull which would then show. I don’t know if I want to be talked into it or out if it…

    1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Oooh, don’t do it! I get the frustration, especially if your hair is feeling too long, but I think shaving it off is too drastic. Maybe try a DIY trim first. Or some other radical change like getting rid of all of your books.

      1. Drtheliz*

        My book collection would take rather longer than six years to rebuild! (I’ve had it very short before, that’s about how long it’ll take to grow through).

      2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Never mind shaving my head, I think I’d sooner shave my head and paint it pink than get rid of my books.

    3. TechWorker*

      If it’s hip length presumably you could go for a pretty significant trim and still have lots to donate! I cut my hair in quarantine (followed a YouTube video where you pull it into a ponytail at the front of your head and then snip to give layers, it’s still shoulder length) and have zero regrets (it was getting long enough to get tangled!) but shaving is a very different ball game… :)

      1. Drtheliz*

        I kinda want to donate all of it because the wig-making process loses a fair bit and it’s quite fine hair, and they don’t get much that’s really long so it would do more good, y’know? It’s not so much the care burden, which I am sufficiently used to by now, it’s that I’ve kind of gotten bored of it long (new styles only help so much) and I’ve sort of always wanted to be reckless and wild with short hair. I’ve only relatively recently come to terms with being “allowed” to, as my mother was super against it and I kind of internalised that, and then I was job hunting. Now I’m gainfully employed (and thirty) so…if not now, when?

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          Looks like you’ve thought about it for a while, and you know what you want. Why *not* do it?

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          When I had butt-length hair I thought about selling it. There are websites, and untreated hair can sell for a lot of money. (And not just wigs — some people still do historic hair art.)
          I chickened out after reading a few creepy stories about buyers who were apparently into it for a hair-cutting kink. Eep.

        3. Katia*

          Totally understand this! I was in the same situation than you, and what I did was cutting it at shoulders length. It left my stylist with enough hair to work with in a super short and edgy style.
          It’s also a big change in terms of styling and what products to use, I loved it
          Hair grows back, if you want to do something with it, go ahead!

    4. nep*

      I’ve buzzed my head twice (female with long-ish hair), and all I can say is that each time, a moment came when the questions, worries, doubts were absent and it was just right. A moment comes when you can’t do it quickly enough because it’s The Thing To Do. Until that point, especially for something so drastic, breathe…hold off…let time pass and see whether that moment ever comes.
      All the best

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      Do you know if the place you’ll donate to is even accepting donations right now?

    6. Lcsa99*

      I wouldn’t go with anything too crazy until things are back to normal. It could just be a reaction to all the stress right now! But you can try something else with it. Maybe try crazy color you’d usually never use (something that washes out).

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Washes out is a relative term. I used a green semi-perm that was supposed to last a month to six weeks. I now have blond with a green cast, like I spent too much time in the swimming pool (chlorine), and a few stubborn green streaks.

    7. Still*

      One thing I would consider is how you’d go about growing it back out if you wanted to. It’s easy enough to keep your hair short if you shave it yourself and I definitely loved having a buzz cut. But if you decide to grow it back out, the in-between stages can be very awkward and tend to require frequent visits to a hairdresser to keep your hair from looking like a total mess. Would you be able to do it safely where you live?

      Another thing to consider: do you work out a lot? One thing that surprised me after shaving my head was how much sweat would suddenly have nowhere to go and just stream down my face and into my eyes. You can definitely wear a sweatband but it’s something to keep in mind.

    8. PX*

      Interesting. I know someone who basically does something similar. Every few years she just feels like its time and shaves her head. She usually keeps it for a few months-1 year and then starts growing it out again.

      So is it quarantine ennui specifically or is quarantine just the thing that made you realise its time for a change?

    9. Ranon*

      I’ve not buzzed my hair from hip length but I have donated from hip length (twice) and I say go for it! The first cut will probably be from a ponytail anyways- you could look up ponytail/ unicorn DIY haircuts first and do the ponytail cut in a way that can be modified into a slightly longer style so you have an interim stopping point if you lose your nerve.

      But it’s summer, it’s hot, hacking off all your hair is what summer is for!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        When I did a long-to-short haircut myself, I did four or five small braids and cut each individually…and got a nice bob out of the deal.

    10. Llellayena*

      I’ve cut my hair from hip-length to chin-length a couple of times and found that anything shorter than my shoulders looks awful on me. Do you know what the in between stages will look like and will you be able to keep them looking professional as it grows back out? If you’re ok with that, go ahead!

    11. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Give it a week or two to make sure you really want to do it and are not just bored. If you actually want to shave your head, you’ll still want to shave your head in 2 weeks.

    12. Red Light Specialist*

      I’ve done extreme hair cuts with significant life events (and donated the hip-length ponytail/braid) more than once and never regretted it. My hair doesn’t grow particularly fast, but I have been back to full length within 3-4 years with only trims. I’ve never gone shorter than a pixie cut or chin length, which gave me the opportunity to go even shorter if I chose. The nice thing about hair is that it generally grows back out if you’re changing it by choice, so changes can be temporary, if not at-will. The other side of the blade is that once you’ve started, you’re committed. My personal strategy was to do the cut myself, but have a stylist lined up the next day to get it tidied up to a planned cut. That might be more challenging right now, depending on your location and risk assessment.

      If you’re planning to donate, make sure you find a place that will accept color-treated hair if that’s what you have, and that you conform to their format.

      I’d suggest sitting with it for at least a week or two in which you imagine you’ve committed to it, and see how that makes you feel. Sad, relieved, excited, bad-scared, regretful, liberated? Are you concerned about how some other people will see you (or your birthmark), and are you seeing those people right away, before you get used to it yourself? It’s also an opportunity to assess how much you consider your hair a part of your identity or personality, and think about how you handle it – styled and down, or always in a braid or bun? Does it irritate you or please you? My sibling made the choice to cut as an acknowledgement of changing identity, and because they weren’t enjoying it at all, just finding it a time-sink. I did mine once as a statement of cathartic self-ownership.

      Last bits of advice: I suggest doing it when you’re in a calm or neutral mood rather than at an emotional extreme, but you do you. And I was less bothered by “can’t pull it back” then I had been warned. There are always clips and headbands, and the awkward lengths didn’t last long and didn’t kill me.

      Whatever you choose, good luck!

  12. CoffeeforLife*

    I’ve started going back to the gym (OTF) and the class instructor is so passive aggressive (she even calls it out, like, “you come for my passive aggressive comments”) and it’s a huge turn off. I feel like I can’t say anything because she’s the head coach.

    The first day back she was complaining about wearing a mask, saying things like, “I can’t breathe in this thing,” “I’m dying.” I just felt it was completely inappropriate given recent events.

    She makes comments about covid-19 and how soon things with go back to normal (our classes are shorter and smaller) soon and then inserts a snarky comment about corporate safety measures…

    As I type this, I know I should use my words and say something but ugh. I want to be able to go back and I think she’s the type to hold a grudge. I think my examples aren’t egregious enough…or I’m essentially asking her to not be.. sarcastic? Like it isn’t super specific.

    1. sswj*

      I think if you aren’t (yet) comfortable addressing it head on, doing the ignore/redirect route may be best.

      Don’t react at all to the snarky stuff, just keep doing what you were doing for exercises or whatever. You could pause a beat after her comment (if you’re one-on-one or in a very small group), stay expressionless, and then ask a pointed question about the movement of an exercise or something. Don’t engage the snark beyond maybe a look that implies you’re thinking “wow, I can’t believe she just said that”.

      If you want to be more direct, you could mention that it can take a bit to find a mask of a face shield that’s comfortable since they are as personal as good shoes – one size or style absolutely doesn’t fit everyone – and that you’ve gotten used to it and are happy to do anything that will help keep everyone safer.

      I’m guessing that telling her she’s being a selfish baby won’t go down well! (Kidding! [mostly :p ] )

    2. Just another opinion*

      Honestly, I would vote with my wallet and find another place to take fitness classes.

      2. Christy*

        Yeah, same here. (I also had a friend quit OTF immediately before the pandemic for a host of reasons and she LOVED it so like maybe OTF or this OTF isn’t the answer for you right now.)

        1. CoffeeforLife*

          Orange Theory Fitness. It’s group led HIIT. I need someone to tell me what to do or I just…won’t.

      4. un-pleased*

        Agreed. Part of why I work out is for the mental health benefits – those matter to me as much as the physical ones, and more some days. This person would stress me out so badly, I’d be tense before and irritated after. Her demeanor would prevent me from being able to attain what I need from the service I am paying for (and she is a service provider, don’t forget), so I’d have to go elsewhere.

      5. allathian*

        Yeah, me too. Or if it’s a bigger gym, switch to another class with another instructor, if possible. If you decide to take your business elsewhere, make sure to let the owner/manager know that you’re leaving because of the instructor’s attitude.

    3. nep*

      Could you go to her supervisor? If she’s getting paid and you’re paying for these classes, you shouldn’t have to put up with her inappropriate comments and lack of professionalism. I don’t know if you feel like going to her boss would be nasty, but if she’s being unprofessional in her job I think they should be aware.
      Or, yes, maybe take your money elsewhere as others have suggested.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        If her ‘brand’ is sarcasm, a supervisor won’t be effective. This instructor’s making money with her brand, one person’s feedback will not change anything.

        CoffeeForLife, you *might* get some traction if you can get other people to join you in saying this isn’t ok – maybe 3 people? (I’m assuming classes are maybe 10 people, so about 1/3 of a class)

        If you can’t get a group, I think it’s either walk away or tune her out.

        1. nep*

          I suppose…but that’s if she’s being really successful and has a big following because of that ‘brand.’
          Good point, and good suggestion to see whether others are not loving her approach.

        2. WellRed*

          There’s sarcasm and then there’s whining and complaining about the place you work. No customer wants to hear that.

    4. Pharmgirl*

      I think OTF is franchised? Is there another location you could go to? You’re still voting with your wallet but can keep the workouts you like.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        My city only has 1 location, the other location is 20 min away and she’s the head coach there too.. :/

        1. Sam I Am*

          I live in the middle of nowhere and I totally get this, sometimes I suck it up and pay for services from someone whom I wish had a competitor, and sometimes I draw a line at their behavior and… go without. Good luck!

    5. Koala dreams*

      That sounds exhausting, especially the gallows humour. Those jokes could be very hurtful to people. Joking about dying to customers in the middle of a pandemic it not acceptable. Is there a manager or an owner you can complain to?

      I wouldn’t assume that other people appreciate the sarcastic comments, either. Often people ignore rather than speak up. If you have the chance to talk with other customers, maybe you’ll find other people who’ll support you in speaking to the instructor..

    6. exercising at home now*

      That would so turn me off in general, but also, to me, it shows such a lack of understanding of the health reasons we are wearing masks – indoors, in a small space, where people are breathing hard – (and of course the comments were even more inappropriate at this moment), that I would have trouble trusting in the skills as a trainer, and that she would have my best interest while training me.

    7. LGC*

      I’m seconding the call first made by Just another opinion: Don’t use your words. Use your wallet.

      Like, I know you say you want to go back (and once I figured out what you meant by OTF, it makes somewhat more sense), but also it sounds like this is just SUPER unpleasant. Like, you’re paying good money to go have a woman yell cutting remarks at you while you sweat. (And if you’re just really into paying someone to be passive aggressive at you while you frantically exercise, I can give you my Venmo information and meet you on Zoom.) Is there another gym/fitness class that might be slightly less of a hellhole?

    8. Kiwi with laser beams*

      Please do NOT feel like the anti-safety comments aren’t egregious enough. She is leading a group, and the things she says and does can influence people in the class. It’s OK to acknowledge that the pandemic is making things more difficult, but there is no need to be anti-safety when doing so.

      And the passive aggressiveness sounds horrible to me too. You mentioned that it’s not possible to go to another branch of this particular franchise and that you need the motivation of group classes; is there a different chain of gyms that do other group classes?

      And if this is the only place nearby that does group classes, DO your classmates “come for [her] passive aggressive comments”? Or are they just a captive audience like you? There might be other people in the class who hate the way she acts but think they’re the only one because no one says anything. If that’s the case, you could push back as a group.

    9. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      Fill out a comment card (or email, I haven’t been to Orangetheory myself.) I worked in fitness and they took the comment cards/complaint emails VERY seriously, and an instructor getting negative feedback would result in the instructor being talked to and monitored for a bit to assess the situation.

    10. Sam I Am*

      You’re paying for this. This person is working for you. Do you want to keep them on your team? Just like any other position, can you put up with everything that comes with them because you like their work? Unlike an actual employer, you can easily remove this person from “your staff” and if you choose to do that, I’d be clear about it. “I love the work you’re doing at it’s core, but it’s a bad fit for me with all the sarcasm about the pandemic. Good luck on your future endeavors!”

  13. Jaid*

    Just wanted folks to know that after switching my kittygirl’s food to minced/morsels from Petco instead of the usual Fancy Feast pate and going with an indie brand of dry food, she’s looking a lot better. Still fragile and too easy to push around, but yeah. A LOT better.

    Thanks y’all for your kind words. Pet parents are awesome.

  14. sswj*

    Any fishkeepers here? What have you got?

    I’ve fairly recently gotten the goldfish bug, and I’m kind of addicted. Eons ago I worked in a pet store and loved the fish section. I’ve always wanted a tank but the time/place was never right. Last year someone gave me their old 35 gal set-up, and that did it – I’m hooked! That tank was pretty quickly replaced by a 45, and I’ve just gotten a 10 gal that was supposed to be a hospital/quarantine tank, but I just put 2 more fantails in it yesterday. Actually, I think one is a teeny tiny oranda, but time will tell. In the big tank I have 3 small fantails and a tiny black ranchu.

    What I need are better plants though. I have watersprite that is kind of taking over the world, and I keep needing to trim it. I’d like to get a sword plant or a nice anubias (things greedy goldfish won’t eat!) but I’m having trouble finding a good source. The nearest good live fish stores are at least an hour away, and Petsmart/Petco are hopeless for good plants.

    Does anyone have any reliable internet sources for healthy aquarium plants that won’t bring nasty things into my tanks?

    1. CatCat*

      I only have one fish, a betta. He lives in a 5 gallon heated fish palace. He sometimes has a snail with him. The snails died though and I don’t know why. They were great qt keeping down algae. Any suggestions for fighting algae?

    2. pancakes*

      There are lots of plant sellers on Etsy. Marcus Fish Tanks looks like they get good ratings. I don’t keep fish but I like aquatic plants and think about getting into them now & then.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      How often are you doing water changes? I’ve got koi, not goldfish, but carp need at least two friends and a lot of gallonage because their evolutionary niche is “produce more waste than any other fish can tolerate.” Even the fancies can reach a foot in a pond setting (if they live long enough, which…), so I’d be looking into large tanks or digging up the backyard.

      As for plants, I’ve got a bit of a different approach. The koi love love love duckweed, but it’s fast-growing enough that they can’t easily decimate it. I don’t know how this works in a tank rather than a pond, but it’s an option.

      1. sswj*

        My fancies are little for now, 2” or less. Water gets changed about every 3 weeks, or when the water parameters test anything less than perfect. I don’t feed a ton and the tank isn’t heated so they are growing slowly, and I’ve got a a big canister filter plus live plants to help with nitrates. A bigger tank and/or pond is definitely on my plans for the future though!

        1. Kodamasa*

          I kept goldfish for 15 years or so. They’re great; can’t beat a 25¢ fish with personality that grows to a foot long and lives for a decade or three!

          I never had luck with live plants with my goldfish as they’d rip them up whether they wanted to eat them or not. Mine always liked to “landscape” so I’d wake up in the morning and half the gravel would be on the other side of the tank. Nothing can take root in those conditions. However yours are small and if they grow up with plants, and the plants have time to take proper root, you’ll probably have better luck than me.

          I have no real help for you, just wanted to shout out to a fellow goldfish lover!

          1. KoiFeeder*

            I’ve had better success with curbing landscaping in a pond setting, as long as I permit tadpoles and stuff to live in the pond as well. They’re less likely to tear up the whole pond looking for free snacks if there’s more easily accessible snacks already there.

  15. Jaid*

    On another topic, the Sugarloaf Craft Festival has announced bankruptcy. With having no shows since March and no way of knowing when they could have shows, they ran out of funds. One of the artists tweeted me saying that he paid for a March show which was cancelled and was still asked for more money. He’s irate that it’s not likely he’ll get his money back.

    I’m gonna miss the show in Oaks, PA. I have so much jewelry, wall art, even my glasses frames came from there. Fortunately, the website is still available so I could save the names and websites of the artists I like and find out where they will show in the future.

    Anyone else going to miss Sugarloaf? They were a juried craft show on the East Coast that had been in operation since ’75.

    1. Claire Ritterhoff*

      Sorry to hear this. I have many wonderful purchases from the Maryland shows. Craft buying has changed a lot since the shows began.

    2. No Tribble At All*

      Awww no! I didn’t know they’d been around for so long — only went once but really enjoyed it. Maybe they’ll be able to start back up after Covid.

    3. WellRed*

      One thing I’ve been a bit surprised by is how close to the edge so many orgs are. Like, a few months of cancelled events and it’s game over. No reserves. Don’t even get me started on our local tourism industry which won’t be satisfied with anything less then full and immediate reopening. Diversify, people.

    4. fposte*

      Not specifically Sugarloaf, but I’m a huge fan of juried art fairs and it’s like my whole summer’s rhythm is gone. I’m trying to sort through my browser bookmarks and old programs online to browse artists that I like so that I can still support them if they’ve got something that appeals.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      Your friend should reread his contract. If they’re bankrupt, it’s unlikely he will get a refund, deserved or not.
      IANAL, but if they canceled the March show, rather than him backing out, I don’t see how they would have a valid claim against him for more money.

      1. Jaid*

        Ah, his tweet reads:

        “They also took our show money, wouldn’t refund it, moved the shows back, kept taking money, and then declared bankruptcy on us. Then they sent us an email blaming us artists for not sending them more money!”

        :-(

    6. Tris Prior*

      I am an art show vendor, though I also have a day job and no longer depend on show sales for anything other than extra spending money. Good thing, because all shows have been cancelled here and my heart breaks for my friends who rely on summer festival income to make ends meet.

      I’m also hearing that a lot of shows aren’t refunding artists’ fees. If the company is declaring bankruptcy, then the artists will just be added to a list of the business’s creditors and likely will not get their money back, which really sucks. Fees for big festivals can be MANY hundreds of dollars, most artists cannot just eat that. I vend much less than I used to (due to day job) and I’m grateful that the one big summer festival that I still do never even put out their application or collected any fees.

      It sucks all around, for everyone.

    7. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

      We have a food vending business in your area. Every single event has been cancelled until the fall with no promise of restarting in 2020. A few show organizations have continued to contact me for payments even though they do not guarantee the event will happen or a refund will be provided. Not trying to one up your friend, but I have over $2000 in as yet not refunded fees from events that have been cancelled. It’s going to be a cataclysmic for vendors, especially for full-timers, and only the strong with savings will make it to 2021.

    8. Quinalla*

      I always look forward to the Columbus (OH) Art Festival which was supposed to be two weeks ago but was of course canceled to online-only, not exactly the same, but yeah I hear you! They will be back when they can I’m sure whether that is next year or in two years, but I was very bummed and worried for the artists that have all their events canceled this summer. I need to make sure to buy a few things in the next few weeks to help support them!

  16. The Other Dawn*

    Last weekend I asked about mattress toppers and I’m happy to report my new one arrived yesterday. I got it from Sam’s Club and it’s three inches of memory foam with a one inch pillow top cover. I used it last night and felt NO pressure points at all! My back felt good and my hips didn’t bother me. As far as it “sleeping hot” as some people mentioned, I’m not sure yet. I woke up at 2:30 am and was sweating, but my bedroom AC doesn’t do the greatest job so it might just be a coincidence. The temp in the room was 71 (a few degrees higher than usual) and we had the door cracked open for the cats. I closed the door and was fine the rest of the night. It felt so good to not wake up in pain before the day even starts! And to be able to lay in bed for more than five minutes after waking up because I wasn’t in pain. So thank you to those who gave me input. :)

    2. Oxford Comma*

      This is possibly a very stupid question, but did you have to get extra deep sheets for this?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I believe the sheets I have already are deep pocket. The topper adds four inches and I have Sleep Number bed with a pillow top, so my guess is that’s what I have.

  17. Teapot seller*

    I have an ethical dilemma: what do you think is okay to ask of a nanny in the age of covid?

    We love our nanny and her son so much, and when covid hit we all felt safest paying her to stay home. My husband is potentially higher risk and we’ve been taking the virus very seriously.

    We recently decided ok, time to figure out what it looks like to bring her back. And we’re hoping she’d be willing to keep her socializing socially distant unless she’s someone who is also operating in quarantine. Is that ethical, or is that too much to ask of someone?

    1. sswj*

      It can’t hurt to at least have a conversation about her comfort level with the idea. Talk to her and see what she’s thinking, what her life looks like currently. If she’s as concerned and as diligent as you are then it’s probably fine to have her back. But I don’t see how a nanny can be also distancing since by definition it’s a pretty hands-on occupation. You know her well, it seems. Is she detail-oriented enough to be vigilant about masks, hand washing, sanitizing, and not congregating any more than is absolutely necessary?

    2. Ducksgoquack*

      It’s perfectly reasonable to want your nanny to be practicing social distancing. But also unreasonable and impossible to enforce it in her personal life. I would explain it as a requirement for looking after your kid and ask if that fits in with what she’s doing. If she doesn’t see the need for social distancing, that’s her choice and you can’t dictate otherwise. Yet you’re also within your rights to then say this isn’t something you’re comfortable with and look for another nanny.

      This is a difficult situation all around. Hope it works out for you.

      1. Teapot seller*

        I guess that’s part of my question—if we ask her to come back under these conditions, and she’s not able to/comfortable with being as strict as we are, do we continue to pay her to be out? Do we pay her until she finds something else? It doesn’t seem fair to just say, well, you’re on your own now. Agh.

        1. Ducksgoquack*

          I mean…ultimately this is a business relationship. So if you cannot agree on terms and conditions it’s reasonable to give her notice and stop paying her afterwards. It would be generous and kind for you to pay her some extra but certainly not necessary to support her until she finds another nannying gig.

          1. WellRed*

            Yes, this is business and the job requirements have changed. It’s her choice whether she wants to accept them or not.

            1. Cat*

              Yes but there are gradations. I don’t think you say “if you can’t commit to having zero personal life, you’re fired.” Yes, it’s your right, but it is also cruel. Decide what you’re ok with. Is it six feet apart meet ups? Is it seeing only her parents and immediate family? Is it seeing only a boyfriend? Then talk it through with her. If she says “I don’t believe in coronavirus so I’m not doing any social distancing,” sure, that’s egregious, fire her immediately. If she’s reasonable but her life is incompatible with what you need, agree on severance and a good reference.

        2. Green Mug*

          Did you talk to her already about social distancing? She might be on the same page as you. If you decide that she is no longer a good fit for your family, then I think 2 weeks ‘severance’ is reasonable. You don’t have to pay her indefinitely. Good luck!

    3. Amateur everything*

      It could be, in time, that taking Covid and Social Distancing seriously becomes just another thing that people might have reason to make requirements about. For example, you might require your nanny to be a non-smoker because your kid has asthma, or you might want a nanny who doesn’t have pets in their own house because someone in your house is severely allergic. As long as you are clear and have a conversation about your expectations/requirements and why you have them, I’m not sure how it’s unethical. (It would be unethical to spring it on someone after they’ve been hired. but if you give someone all the information they need upfront to make a decision about whether these are requirements they are willing to abide by, it seems okay to me.)

      1. RagingADHD*

        I agree.

        If you can’t find a level that you’re both content with, just give her a generous severance payment.

        Or she may want to try it for a while and move on later if she’s not happy with it.

        The most important thing is to be transparent & clear, and that you’re able to trust her to be honest about her situation.

    4. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I don’t think it’s unethical to ask, but note that it is asking more of her than last year, in terms of how the job affects the rest of her life. She might reasonably ask for a pay raise for the duration.

      Also, don’t ask of her anything you aren’t expecting of yourselves. Be clear about your definitions of “someone else who is also operating in quarantine” and of physically distant socializing. In particular, don’t ask her to restrict her son’s activities or social contact more than you’re restricting your own child’s.

    5. Jessi*

      I am a nanny and I think its okay to have a discussion about it! I would start by explaining where your family is at, and what you would like from her. I would cover what you are doing, and what steps you are taking to make her work place a safe place for her to be. If she is happy to be back and agrees to your current conditions I would also put down a time frame for when you plan to revisit/ review the levels of distancing you are doing.

      There was lots of discussions going on here in the UK as we are going down a level (and schools are opening back up). A lot of the chatter in my nanny group this month has come from the nanny and the employers not being on the same level so I think best to talk it over. There are so many different levels of comfort; for example I am going to work (started a new job last week), washing my hands, and keeping an eye out for symptoms, but Dad (who is a teacher) went back to work this week so I’m more likely to get it from them. Other nannies and families are doing a daily temperature check, and using gloves and masks, and some nannies are still using public transport to get to work.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Why is it time to bring your nanny back? Is Covid gone in your area?
      I wouldn’t trust anyone’s statements about how much they socialize when their job and livelihood depend on their answers. If you’re willing to risk contact with your nanny, assume she’s willing to risk contact with other people herself. Again, her job is at stake and she’s better off telling whatever you want to hear. I wouldn’t bring a nanny back at this time but I’m not you.
      Stay safe and healthy.

      1. Natalie*

        ? Most people are not going to be able to go without childcare for the years that this pandemic will likely last. Not to shock you or anything, but lots of people still have kids in daycare.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure how one would verify that anyone has maintained social distancing throughout their day.

      I do think that it is fair to remind her that your house is a vulnerable setting and does she feel she can keep herself safe in order to return to work?

      I am thinking of it this way: I got into an argument with a good friend. I refused to enter her house because her husband is vulnerable. She said it was okay. My hill to die on was, “If anything happens to your hubby, everyone will say it came from me. And even if it didn’t I would not be able to live with myself.” So, clearly, I did not enter the house.
      Other friends DID and hubby got super upset. I mean super-super upset. Phew! At least I knew. But I felt I had that moral obligation to draw that hard line. It could be that you call her and she says, “Nope. I am not willing to walk into your house, knowing about your husband.”

    8. waffles*

      I think it isn’t ethical. It is a little different, but elder care facilities don’t require their staff to be socially distanced in their personal time. Obviously it would be amazing if they are willing or already doing that, but not reasonable for you to make that expectation the basis for their employment. Like the person who is a nanny suggested, have a conversation and see where they are at. If it doesn’t end up working out, consider a generous notice period because this is a totally crazy situation. You know this person well, but COVID has also changed people’s lives a lot. It is worth being open, transparent, and kind.

  18. Loopy*

    I haven’t been reading lately so I hope this hasn’t already come up- but I am having summer sleeping troubles!

    I really really like the weight of a comforter and really struggle sleeping with just a sheet. Lately, the heat has been bothering me more and I wake up overheated and then cant fall back asleep with just the sheet.

    We do have a bedside fan going and have central air but I dont want to adjust it down more due to $$ and other people concerns.

    Does anyone have a suggestion for solving the need for the weight of a comforter with being too hot?

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Yes, I use a lap quilt or small throw. As long as my feet stick out, I can tolerate a quilt even in a warm room.
        It helps, too, that they are me-made with cotton batting and heavy quilting, so not particularly puffy and warm.

    2. Lcsa99*

      You mentioned using a comforter vs sheet, but would a blanket – just something slightly heavier than a sheet – give enough weight for you? We use a woven blanket so it breaths nicely.

      1. LQ*

        A very loosely woven cotton blanket has been great for me. Heavy enough to feel real, but breaths because mostly holes.

    3. Lych*

      I have the same issue, where I can’t sleep without a comforter. I’ve been using a frozen bottle of water rolled up in a tea towel and just kind of hugging it while sleeping… Sounds really sad when I write it out but it really does help me sleep better. When it gets even hotter I might prop one up against my back and hold one to my chest.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I sometimes use a duvet cover without the duvet, or a cotton bedspread. And I’ve thought about making a weighted sheet instead of a weighted blanket.

    5. Recent Grad*

      Open weave cotton blankets! I grew up in a farm house with no AC and they were the only thing that was comfortable on really hot summer nights. They have the weight of a regular blanket or quilt but they don’t hold in heat.

    6. CatPerson*

      We started using a flannel sheet on top of the summer cotton sheet. Love it, it’s just the right amount when the AC is on.

    7. Altair*

      I bought a loosely woven crocheted blanket. The a/c goes right through it but it’s heavy enough to give me that snuggly weighted down feeling.

    8. Aphrodite*

      I’m with you. Using just a sheet or light, loose-weave blanket feels weird so even in hot summers I like a somewhat weighty comforter. While I use a fan too, the best thing by far I have found is the bed fan. This one–https://www.bfan.world/–is made in the US and is just super! It works so well in fact that I keep it only on the lowest setting otherwise I’d have to wear socks. I’ve had mine for about two or three years and it is still working perfectly. (And I have no connection whatsoever with the company; I am just a very satisfied customer.)

    10. Loopy*

      Thanks everyone for the great suggestions! Last night I tried having my feet stick out so I mixed a bit of the advice to keep the blanket weight higher and the advice to have my feet stick out.

      I slept AMAZINGLY. If I woke up with my feet tucked under the blanket, even if I wasn’t overheated, I stuck them back out and it seems to have made a difference in keeping me cooler without losing the weight.

      If it was just a weird coincidence though I will definitely be looking into the blankets suggested here, which I hadn’t thought of. Thanks! Feeling much better having some options.

  19. Ducksgoquack*

    Has anyone visited North Korea?

    I would love to go but too paranoid of the what if. NK has always been a place of fascination for me though. I must have watched dozens of NK travel vlogs and countless more documentaries. If you have any travel stories personally or through someone you know who’s visited, please share!

    1. Don't post frequently*

      I will say upfront it is your choice unless you are American as it is not legal right now for us. I understand the lure of the country very much. Your money will directly be supporting a very totalitarian regime and everything that goes along with it. You will not benefit average North Koreans. If you do decide to go please follow the rules and don’t do anything stupid.

        1. Jenny*

          Google Sophie Schmidt’s account.

          Warner Herzog’s documentary Into the Inferno also has a section on North Korea.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, being willing to give that government any money is morally dubious at best. It’s not like you’re getting to see the “real” NK either, so just go to one of the hundreds of other countries out there.

    3. aarti*

      You should read Suki Kim’s book–Without You There is No Us. Absolutely fascinating and heartbreaking look at life in North Korea.

      1. Natalie*

        Nothing to Envy is another fascinating look at ordinary life, although important caveat that it’s over 10 years old so doesn’t reflect recent changes.

    4. Pamela Adams*

      I am a ‘stick your feet out from under’ person- it seems to keep the temperature balanced.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        There was a short film I found on YouTube from Galileo (German TV programme) in which somebody had a 2-3 day escorted visit.

    6. Phoenix from the ashes*

      A friend of my husband works for Young Pioneers, who do guided tours to all sorts of interesting places including NK. I had a fascinating chat with him when I met him and I’m very keen to give them my money in a couple of years when I’m no longer a student and have time and money for such things. Cuba, Chernobyl and Iran are highest on my personal list, I think North Korea is probably 4th.

      1. pancakes*

        That’s the organization Otto Warmbier was traveling with. You might want to have a look at articles about them. From the Chicago Tribune, June 2017:

        “Although many details of Warmbier’s fateful trip remain unknown, interviews with past Young Pioneer customers or those who have crossed paths with the tour operator describe a company with occasional lapses in organization, a gung-ho drinking culture and a cavalier attitude that has long raised red flags among industry peers and North Korea watchers.”

        There’s a Guardian article and a Consumer Affairs article that are worth a look as well. I’m not sure about Chernobyl but there are many far more reputable companies that lead tours of Cuba and Iran, if a package tour is a must.

    7. YesImTheAskewPolice*

      Haven’t been there myself, but it’s quite easy for many nationalities to organize pre-planned trips through travel agencies. A couple of years ago the regime in North Korea actually tried to increase the number of visits by international tourists.

      A friend once recommended me Pyongyang: A Journey in North Korea by Guy Delisle, although I haven’t read it so far. It’s also quite dated by now.

      Then there’s of course the thorn tree forum on Lonely Planet, which has its own North Korea sub-forum. Many posts seem to be about insurance questions, but going through the archive probably still should yield some insight or trip reports:
      https://www.lonelyplanet.com/thorntree/forums/asia-north-east-asia/north-korea

      Last but not least, here’s a short trip report from 2013, with quite some interesting pictures:
      https://www.dominik-schwarz.net/reisen/nordkorea2013/

  20. Foreign Octopus*

    Last week I had to bite the bullet and buy a new laptop as mine was literally falling apart. I opened it up one day and the edging around the screen just came away. It was really annoying. I decided to properly upgrade and now I’m the very careful owner of a MacBook Air 2020. It’s my first piece of real, serious tech and I’m terrified to use it for fear of breaking it, but it seems to be good so far. I’m having a little trouble with the keyboard as I got the 13in screen (cheaper) and the keyboard is condensed, but I’m kind of a little in love with it.

    Has anyone else bought anything they’re excited about this week?

    1. nep*

      Not this week but recently–bought a laptop also.
      Mine was 10 years old. I gotta say, though, that old thing saw me through a lot and it was still fighting.
      Super happy with my new one, though–the speed and efficiency that would be no big deal to anyone, but huge to me after so long with the old model.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I’m a little sad at having to say goodbye to my old laptop as it’s the one where I started taking my writing seriously, so I’m a touch attached to it.

    2. RosenGilMom*

      I didn’t buy anything, but i made popsicles with my leftover coffee….. They sure put a smile on my face

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We bought an air fryer! The husband looked for a big one that could let him keep making bread over the summer and got a 12-in-1 Cosori. “Pizza, Roast, Airfry, Toast, Bagel, Bake, Broil, Cookies, Rotisserie, Dehydrate, Ferment and Keep Warm settings” WOOT! “Ferment” is 90° so bread rises on a cold night. The baking seems very even — bread, bread pudding, roasted potatoes, and next we try the rotisserie.
      We set it up on the porch, and will move it onto the patio for ultra-hot days. We are quite happy with our summer kitchen – grill over there, and over here under the eaves, a table for plug-in appliances. Coffeepot, InstantPot, rice cooker, slow-cooker, air-fryer… all where they don’t warm up the house.
      Next on my list is repairs to the pop-up tent canopy…or a new one, if it’s beyond help.

    4. CatCat*

      I have a 2013 Macbook Air that works just as well as the day I got it. So I think you’ll get a lot of life out of your Macbook!

      I recently bought an iPhone after 10 years of using Android and I love it. I only miss being able to turn on the flashlight by shaking the phone.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        That gives me a lot of hope! It was just under £1000, and it’s the single biggest purchase I’ve ever made but everyone I spoke to about it said that it was the best, so I took the plunge. I’m still getting used to it but it’s just so pretty! I’m glad I went with the gold colour :)

      2. Sparrow*

        I have a 2012 macbook air, and I am so happy with how it has held up. It’s not quite good as new, but my parents and siblings have gone through several laptops and mine just keeps going strong. I’m hoping to finally retire it and buy the 2020 macbook air as a present for myself when I graduate grad school next spring.

      3. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        You can also trade them in for a surprisingly long time. I got £100 credit for an 8-year-old macbook recently.

    5. CTT*

      I’m going to have to get a new laptop soon-ish and I am not looking forward to it, so kudos to you for getting it done!

      I just got myself a Rothys tote bag as a belated birthday/back to work present and I really love it! I actually loathe the one pair of shoes I got from them, but that was because I found them way too rigid/unforgiving, but those are qualities I want in a bag.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Honestly, I’d been putting it off for ages because of the expense but then I had to. Ordered it through Amazon and it came exactly a week later, no problem. Good luck with your laptop hunting!

    6. Pamela Adams*

      Not a big thing, but I love stone fruit season, I came home the other day with peaches, apricots, and the black velvet apriums. Nom nom nom

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      My stroller and car seat set came in finally after waiting months for it to come back in stock! and baby bottles! lol. 

      For non-baby stuff, I also bought a hard drive, 5TB for $110 so I can back up the items from my laptop which is about 5.5 years old now. I have a laptop on loan from my last company but my IT husband was doing research and said that it’s better if I just keep it (pay the company of course) than to get a new one because the specs are really great. 

    8. Olive*

      Not this week, but really recently I bought a Stand Up Paddleboard (SUP) and have been really enjoying myself! I had rented from a place for a while but figured a) I’d save money in the long run and b) feel safer if it was my personal board than if it was a communal/rented one since I could control the contact more.

    9. Anxious Cat Servant*

      Congratulations!

      I’m typing on my new-to-me MacBook Air (2014). A friend’s business is upgrading and sold this one cheap so while it’s not new, it’s enough of a step up from my older MacBook Pro that it should buy me a few years to decide what I really need. I have a computer at the office so this laptop is mostly for things I can’t do on my iPad or iPhone like writing.

      In my experience, Mac products are pretty sturdy little things (right up until you drop your iPhone juuuuust right on the tile floor) so it’s unlikely to break. The laptop this one replaced is a 2011 and I carted that thing EVERYWHERE when I was in grad school and it’s fallen off coffee tables and chairs more times than I’d like to admit (always onto carpet or rugs, fortunately) and if it weren’t for how slow it’s gotten in it’s old age I’d still be using it. This current one was formerly an office computer and it’s got some scratches and bumps from people who weren’t so careful with it but my husband’s lower-end PC laptop looks worse and he’s both more careful and it’s newer.

      You can find nice cases and keyboard covers (if you like those) on Amazon or other places and it’s a good way to avoid scraps and protecting against spills. I always feel like my computer’s a little more sturdy with a little armor.

      Congrats on the new laptop and enjoy!

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        My fear of breaking it is overwhelming. I’ve just turned 30 and I’m hoping that it’s going to last me throughout my thirties, but I have a dog and two cats, the latter of whom loves sitting on keyboards and laptops so I’m living in fear at the moment. TBH, I’ve been hearing such good things about Macs that I feel like they’re almost too good to be true, so I really hope it does last. This is definitely the prettiest laptop I’ve had and I feel like a proper professional now i.e. like I’m taking my work from home as a permanent thing and not a temporary, between job thing.

        I hope you find a permanent laptop you enjoy soon!!

    10. Sparrow*

      I bought an inflatable kayak. I’m sad that I can’t go visit my family and travel to the lake cabin with them on the other side of the country. So I’m excited to be able to get out on the water and stay safe (both on the water itself, I have experience with kayaks, and from the virus).

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have sent my laptop to be repaired this week. I also made it to the hairdresser.

    11. Lady Alys*

      I got two giant shelf units – one for the home-office closet and one for the laundry-room closet – and feel SO ORGANIZED! No more file boxes on the floor! No more cleaning supplies stacked precariously on top of the cupboards! It’s as though I have two whole new rooms in my house.

    12. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      Oooh enjoy your new laptop! Also: my old macbook pro is 9 years old and still going (slowly… but going) after being dragged around to several different countries, I’ve always found them to be quite sturdy.

      I moved recently so my purchases this week were:
      – a bed, my first non-IKEA bed, I am veeeery excited
      – a dinner table
      – and a gorgeous set of pots and pans which I got for a very good price and can’t wait to use!

    13. Sir Lena Clare*

      Yes! I’ve been buying items to support my joints: a mini rebounder trampoline and a neck massager which are both excellent and very helpful. The neck massager is so amazing, I’m going to get the back massager too as soon as it is back in stock.
      And I needed a new mattress topper so I’ve just ordered one which is supposed to help relieve pressure points pain. I’m looking forward to that arriving this week.

    15. Liane*

      We were excited to NOT have to replace Husband’s 1.5 year old laptop, which didn’t want to boot up one day. He eventually got it working again, he is a tech.

      I am excited I bought/am buying today:
      1. Some Roleplaying Game Stuff. I picked up Hero Lab character creation software with a Mutants & Masterminds (superhero RPG) license included. Today I head out to get a another Star Wars RPG book, if the store still has it, not sure how up-to-date their webpage is.
      2. A few new models for 3d render art. The company I get most of my models from is having a monthlong sale where each day a different set of some very nice models (normally $15-30) are on sale for $2 each. I have been very good and have only bought 1-2 each week.

    16. Green Mug*

      I just treated myself to the first book in The Witcher series. It should arrive today, and I’m pretty excited about it.

    17. Quinalla*

      We got our first co-op veggies this week – we’d been meaning to sign up for one for ages and finally made it happen for this year. Very nice no-contact pick-up of everything and it is all so delicious. We don’t have a good spot in our yard for a garden (we do herbs sometimes, but that’s it), so this is the next best thing.

      Enjoy your MacBook, my husband loves his!

  21. Ladder question*

    Are there any tips to be safer on the top of a ladder? My kitchen light bulbs have gone out and I’m in a pickle. It’s pretty high and I am pretty short (4ft11) and live alone. Typically I would have ask a building worker to come and replace them for me but they are not currently allowed to work in apartments (which I totally support). I can get to the light bulb on top landing of the 4 stepper I have but I feel so incredibly unsafe at that height; there is no way to position it so I could be say flush to a kitchen counter/cabinet. And I have to remove the fixture first, so both hands in the air. I’ve been making do with a task lamp but my kitchen does not get a lot of natural light so it’s not ideal.

        1. valentine*

          Holding your arms above your head for a protracted time is literal torture and even a longer ladder isn’t going to help with that.

          It’s worth asking if a worker can do it. I would think their concerns are about length of time and interaction. Especially if you go to another room or stay away, is it a big risk for someone to walk in, change the bulbs, and walk out?

          If they agree, have them change all your high bulbs, even if they’re still good.

    2. Blarg*

      The landing isn’t a step. Don’t use it for this task. See if your prop managers or neighbors have a taller one you can borrow?

      The best occupational safety training I ever took was for a volunteer gig. It was online with videos and then a quiz. The quiz consisted of selecting which things were ladders and which were not. That chair? Not a ladder. Your desk, not a ladder. Really stuck with me and still makes me giggle.

    3. Morning reader*

      If at all possible, find someone taller to do it for you, even if you have to pay. I’m similar (2 whole inches taller!) but I also know at least 3 people who have fallen from ladders and had significant injuries. One of the most common household accidents.
      The other thing is that once you get up there, you probably need both hands to remove the cover. Looking up, both hands over your head, trying to balance and focus… it’s a recipe for trouble. Even if the other person does nothing to help and is only there to call 911 when you fall, it will be best to have someone else there.
      In the meantime, put a lamp in your kitchen.
      Oh and there are light bulb thingies* on a pole. If removing the cover is not an issue, that might work.
      *clearly I’ve never been employed at a hardware store.

    4. 00ff00Claire*

      Even though the building workers can’t come in, can they lend you a ladder that is higher? I could see how they might not be able to due to liability, but it might be worth asking. Or maybe there is a friend of acquaintance who could lend you one. You could check out renting one from a home improvement store as another option. I’m pretty sure the big box stores do that.

    5. Venus*

      If you do it by yourself then maybe have a friend on speakerphone while you are on the ladder, so they can get you help quickly if something happens. It isn’t likely that you will need help, but if you fall then someone will know. Or maybe call before and after to confirm that it went well.

    6. it happens*

      You need a longer ladder. The top step is not safe. Even if building staff cannot enter the apartment, can they give you a taller ladder to use and return?

      1. Christmas Carol*

        The top landing is not a step and is not safe. The last real step before the landing is not safe either. If you go buy a new ladder, it will have stickers all over it that say things like NOT A STEP, and DO NOT STAND ON THIS STEP. IANAL, or a handyman, but in my understanding, in order to be safe, according to the PTB, and the lawyers of the world, you must have at least one step plus the top landing to support you while on the ladder. My big question is then, what use are the little mini two step jobs.

    7. Colette*

      Generally, the top of the ladder is not where you want to be. I second getting a taller ladder and/or someone to help you (or at least be there if you fall). In the meantime, lamps are a portable solution.

    8. RosenGilMom*

      They sell gadgets for that. I googled ‘high lightbulb changer’. Basically a grippy contraption on a long stick.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        This! “Bulb changer kit” will get you there too. Although I realized you don’t say if it’s a regular round lightbulb. This doesn’t help for florescent tubes.

      2. OtterB*

        I was thinking of those too. We have one that my husband uses for changing the bulbs in the lights over our basement stairs. But Ladder question said she had to remove the fixture, which that won’t help with.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A chair and such might not be a ladder, but I would still feel more comfortable dragging my dining room table over and standing in the middle of it than on the tiny tippy top of a too-short ladder, absent any other convenient options, to be honest. (Luckily for my 5’4” self, my husband and housemate are both 6’4” and I have a six foot ladder in my garage.)

      But your maintenance folks probably have an eight footer, so if they’ll let you borrow it that’s probably your safest bet. (And the idea about having a friend on speaker in case of emergency, also not bad.)

      1. Squidhead*

        It’s not a *good* idea, but the current too-short ladder on top of a sturdy dining room table is probably better (marginally) than standing on top of the ladder. At least then LW can have some stability from the apex of the ladder.

        LW, for bad reasons (laziness, foolhardiness) I used to stand on top of ladders a lot. It’s really hard to keep your balance, even on a short ladder, if there’s nothing next to you for stability. Maybe bring in another lamp in the meantime? Or see if it can hold a brighter bulb? Or be pointed up at the ceiling to diffuse more light?

    10. Llellayena*

      Similar issue here. Lights are just out of reach for me at the top of my stepladder. My solution is either my neighbor or my dad. Most recently it was dad because my parents are about the only people I’ll see without worrying about social distancing right now. If you’ve got someone (tall!) like that, ask them.

    11. Mel*

      Don’t do it. This is a thing that can result in disaster and is not worth the risk. I know this to be true from family experience.

    12. Ladder question*

      Thank you for comments and not making me feel I am wuss for not doing something that is in fact dangerous.

      1. gaa*

        I work in construction and have taken a ladder safety course. You want to be two steps down from the top. This allows you lean against the top step with your legs. Practice walking up and down the ladder with no hands, before you go up to remove the lense and replace the bulbs.

        Be safe!!!

    13. Quinalla*

      If you can, get a taller ladder. If you can’t afford to buy/rent, use the home depot/lowes rental policy – ie buy it and bring it back when you are done. There are definitely taller ladders available.

      We do have one of those light bulb extender pole things, but if you have to remove the fixture to get to the bulb, that won’t help you.

      I too would see if the maintenance folks would be able to come out if you open windows and vacate the apartment or stay in a room while they are there.

      Definitely do NOT try to do it yourself with your current ladder.

  22. Lily*

    This might be a weird question but how do you discover new music? Because I’ve talked to some of my friends and apparently I have a weird method: if there is some movie or TV show I like I search for fanvideos on youtube and that’s how I discover new music. Not very organised but it gets me a wide range of genres and I am happy with it.
    How about you guys?

    1. nep*

      I like the Guardian (UK) culture section for learning about new artists. Also, when I’m buying a song online, I listen to snippets of similar artists that randomly come up. (I used to find a lot of great songs for my fitness classes playlist from looking at fitness gurus on Instagram, but IG doesn’t let me browse anymore (which really sucks).)

    2. kiwiapple*

      Shazam* an app on my phone that you can record music snippets, then it tries to find the song in its catalogue is a way I’ve discovered a lot of new music. *other apps are probably available
      Or spotifiy.

    3. NeonFireworks*

      This is a neat question, and that sounds like as good a method as any, especially if you like a whole range of stuff. My tastes are in very narrow genres and styles, and I’m especially interested in indie music, so I use sites like Bandcamp and eMusic and browse by keywords. There are also a few blogs I follow by people with very similar taste in music as me, and I have a Pandora account that’s been finding music I like (because I can tell it to find music that sounds similar to favorite songs of mine) since I started using it in 2006.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I listen to BBC 6 Music as my radio station of choice and I hear a lot of things that are new to me there. I also sometimes listen to random stuff on Spotify or surf Bandcamp for keywords that are of interest, like local artists or different styles.

      1. pancakes*

        BBC 6 is great. You might like The Quietus too, which is a review site, or started out as one. The have a regular feature called Baker’s Dozen where they ask interesting musicians to talk about 13 favorite records.

    5. PX*

      Radio. BBC 1 or 1xtra, I have a few shows I specifically listen to and many of them are specifically dedicated to promoting new music and not just the same playlist that is on during daytime. I have to actively limit how often I listen to them because otherwise I get overwhelmed by how much new music is available!

      I also use Soundcloud and if you let it you can just listen to a “station” based on artists/songs that you like, so you find similar (or not so similar) music based on things you theoretically already like.

      But I’ve definitely also done something similar to you/kiwiapple where I just shazam things from TV shows I’m watching and have found some artists I like that way.

      Ooh. I also sometimes see what artists I like are listening to (either on Instagram or some have Spotify playlists) and it can be fascinating to see what they like.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This! I’m a huge soundtrack nerd. That’s mostly what I listen to. They sometimes have songs in addition to score music, if they were featured in the film.

        That’s how I discovered James Vincent McMorrow; his song “Follow You Down to the Red Oak Tree” played over the credits of the film Third Star (literally the saddest movie I have ever seen). I loved it, so I looked him up and have been a huge fan ever since.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      I have a weird method: if there is some movie or TV show I like I search for fanvideos on youtube and that’s how I discover new music

      This is weird? I totally do this, too. I’ve found so much good new music by just randomly hearing it in a movie or on a TV show. Similarly, if I’m in a store, and they’re playing music, and it’s good, I’ll Shazam that to find out what’s playing.

      One time I even discovered a group I liked that was randomly playing in an airport terminal!

    8. Nervous Nellie*

      To explore new music I go to Jango online, and put the name of a performer/composer/artist that I really like into their search field, and hit ‘play’. The first track is always that performer, but then they start randomly playing performers that some oblique algorithm tells them I might also like. I have discovered many new performers that way.

    10. ARTIFACTS. ART. LIFE-FORMS. AND. MISC.*

      Lily: I do the same thing with songs in television shows. It’s been going on for years, but of late it seems to be called “syncing”: if you’re a musician/band/agent, you try to get someone from Netflix etc to consider using your song(s) on their shows.

      Of late I’ve noticed that subtitles will display the artist and song name. There is also a website called tunefind.com that uses a semi-crowdsourcing approach to IDing songs on shows and in movies. They try to steer you to Amazon or iTunes etc in hopes that you’ll buy the song, but a lot of people go straight to YouTube, which typically has a lowlife 128kbps MP3 version.

    11. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Spotify! They have a suggested playlists and albums section. Sometimes I peek there and listen.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      College radio stations and public radio stations that have music shows. A lot are streaming online now.

    16. Felicia Hannigan*

      I have to second the recommendation for Spotify. It’s amazing in a few ways.

      01. You get personalised playlists based on what you’re already listening to. Release Radar highlights new music from artists you like, while Discover Weekly suggests music from similar artists & genres. Daily Mixes are playlists specifically inspired by the genres of music you like.
      02. And since you mention that you get music from fanvids, my friend, there are so many playlists available for so many fandoms. I’ve been turned onto a bunch of new music just by listening to a shipping or character-based playlist.
      02a. I’ve also been inspired to make my own playlists & that opens a whole nother avenue: when you make a playlist, Spotify will recommend songs based either on the title of the playlist or on the songs you’ve added to it. It has a pretty robust selection for you to choose from and refreshes/refines itself as you add/remove songs.

      1. Courageous cat*

        YUP. I live and die by Discover Weekly (out every Monday) and Release Radar (out every Friday). The more you listen to Spotify and make your own playlist(s) the better those algorithms will get. I prefer RR because it’s based off artists I’ve already liked but they’re both really useful.

      2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        My only complain with the Daliy Mix is that they didn’t consider that Original Soundtracks, Classical Music and Opera are three (very) different things. I guess they’re under a “orchestra” label or something similar, but jumping from #feels #angst Chopin to The Magic Flute is NOT the best of transitions… XDDDDD

    17. Bluebell*

      At the beginning of the year I decided to try and listen to NPR’s All Songs Considered podcast. They have a show each Friday featuring new releases, and they cover a super wide range of genres- country, rap, classical, ambient, jazz, folk, you name it.

    18. Skeeder Jones*

      You might enjoy TuneFind.com. You can look up a tv show or movie to see what song was played or look up an artist to see what songs they have had on tv. It’s great when I hear a song on a tv show that I love because I can just look up that episode and get the information I need.

    19. NforKnowledge*

      I like watching covers on youtube, by people like Post-Modern Jukebox, Walk Off The Earth, Lauren Babic (very different genres there!) which are often of songs I’d never heard. I also watch music analysis videos like Rick Beato’s “what makes this song great” which has introduced me to many awesome rock songs and bands. And of course browsing spotify, especially the suggestions it makes for additions to my playlists.

    20. Sam I Am*

      Lately, I’ve been listening to podcasts by artists I admire, and when they mention a name, or have a guest on that I’m unfamiliar with, I go chek out that person. Most reliable for this lately has been the QuestloveSupreme podcast.

    21. voluptuousfire*

      The radio function of bands I like on Spotify, usually.

      Also I would look at shows on the website of my local metal bar and check out the bands. If I liked what I heard on Youtube or Spotify, I’d go to the bar and see the bands. I found a lot of great local and national stuff that way.

  23. Ruth*

    I have a question about kitchen appliances.

    I live in a condo with a very small kitchen. There are four appliances: a dishwasher, a fridge, an oven and a microwave above the oven. The color of all is black.

    I need a new dishwasher and soon will need a new fridge and microwave. I will probably never need a new oven. Will it look unattractive to potential future buyers if the new appliances are stainless steel and the oven black? Or should I buy the new appliances in black so all are uniform?

    Another question re dishwasher. Does anyone have an opinion on best brand for quality especially Bosch or Whirlpool? Thank you.

    1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Don’t get GE appliances. Our GE dishwasher and refrigerator were terrible.

      We are super happy with our Bosch dishwasher. It was a little more expensive than the other brands but it works well and is incredibly quiet. We have a Samsung refrigerator now and it has been flawless. We still have our GE oven, and that has been fine. I don’t blame you for not wanting to replace the oven; that is a huge pain. As a prospective buyer I don’t think I’d care about the difference in colors, but definitely can’t speak for everyone.

      1. Windchime*

        I had a Bosch dishwasher in my old house and I absolutely loved it. It was whisper-quiet; you literally could stand right next to it and not know whether or not it was running. I have a GE now and it’s called “[something] Quiet” and…it’s not. It’s pretty loud.

        I personally wouldn’t mind if everything were stainless except for a black oven; others might feel differently.

    2. Anonymath*

      Our kitchen came in all black, and that’s what we decided to stay with as our appliances have needed replacement. It also makes the choice easier for us that I’m not a huge fan of stainless steel and that we have a small child that leaves fingerprints that are more on stainless but not on black. I’ve heard there are “fingerprint-free” stainless steel versions, but we were not personally motivated to explore those.

      When we replaced our old dishwasher, which was a GE, the best choice from consumer reports was a Bosch. We’ve had it for two years now and it’s great and so quiet! We can run it just before bed, and even though the kitchen is right near the master bedroom, we can hardly hear it. If we had to replace again, we’d probably look at consumer reports again, but all things being equal would go back to a Bosch.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      For me…it could look noticeably different. But if the setup is such that the oven is not a feature/focal point then it could be a non-issue. If you aren’t planning on selling any time soon then I wouldn’t place a lot of weight on things matching.

      I currently have all black and can’t wait until we remodel and chuck them all. The black is so dark and heavy. I’m not being wasteful, the oven isn’t accurate, wasps live in my exhaust hood/microwave, the dishwasher broke, fridge icemaker/ water doesn’t work.

    4. Blarg*

      I think it would look weird and also stainless is such a pain!! It looks like weird smudgy crap except for the 12 min after you clean it. See also: glass top stoves. My apartment is all GE appliances and a year in, they are fine. No issues. Except for the challenge of keeping them looking nice.

      1. Anxious Cat Servant*

        We have both a glass top stove and a stainless steel fridge and I cannot agree more. We’re renters and it wasn’t our choice and I’m glad that the appliances chosen were as nice as they are (it’s a REALLY nice fridge) but cleaning is a constant pain and I can’t even cover the fridge with magnets to hide the spots. The owners also decided that white tile with white grout in our kitchen was a great idea so now we have white tile with grimy dark grout in the areas of heavy traffic and white grout around the edges and it’s not a good look.

      2. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        I bought Weiman Stainless Steel wipes in my last apartment, because the stainless steel appliances were constantly getting splattered in the tiny kitchen. They are a godsend! They get rid of all of the streaks, fingerprints, smears, splatters, even rust. Plus they’re slightly oily, so they leave a protective coating. I love them.

    5. Jules the 3rd*

      A stainless / black mix will look fine. Most stainless comes with black accents, and you pay a premium for all black. Stainless is still the default, and so the cheapest.

      The ‘smudgeless’ stainless steel is real. I resisted stainless, but caved on a smudgeless fridge with the *strict* understanding that my husband would be the one cleaning it. Two years later, and we’ve only needed to wipe it down a few times. Regular ‘smudgy’ stainless is still a nightmare, but I can throw out that trashcan anytime husband gets tired of cleaning it.

      We have:
      Miele dishwasher (smudge free stainless)
      GE stove (black)
      Frigidaire fridge (smudge free stainless)
      LG Microwave (smudge free stainless with lots of black accents)

      The microwave is above the stove, the other two are two steps away; I figure the microwave visually ‘transitions’ the black -> stainless. The finish on the stainless match really well. The fridge and dishwasher are a smidge less shiny than the microwave, but are far enough away that I had to think about it to notice.

      We bought for ourselves rather than for resale, so we hunted the displays / returns / scratch n dent for higher quality brands for the items that fit in the counter (all but fridge). We got a $3K stove for $800 due to good timing on sales and a small dent on the side. The Miele’s a floor model. We did have to return the washing machine, turned out the dent on the first one destroyed the support and it wouldn’t sit straight. It took a lot of time – there’s always a trade-off between time and cost.

      My understanding is that reliability varies within brands a lot, but that the higher end of each brand is more reliable. So we wouldn’t get a cheap GE, but we’re pretty comfortable with the expensive stove we ended up with.

      1. Ali G*

        I agree. I forget the brand I bought in my former condo, but I swapped the appliances gradually, all black stainless (and the stainless was that smudgeless). It looked great when I was done with it!

      2. Oldbiddy*

        My dishwasher died shortly before the COVID shutdown. I did manage to get a repairman to look at it before everything shut down and he said it would cost more to repair than get a new one. He recommended I get a Bosch from the local high-rated appliance place.
        I finally got it in late last week, and I like it so far. The Bosch dishwashers don’t have a food grinder or in-line water heater, so that is two fewer things to break. It is very quiet and gets stuff clean. I’m not crazy about the arrangment of the racks (not great for lots of tupperware containers) but am still figuring out the optimal configuration to load it.

    6. Doctor is In*

      We remodeled our kitchen 2 years ago and bought a Bosch dishwasher, which is wonderful! Very quiet and has well designed shelves. Our kitchen has stainless fridge and stove; stove has black glass top; dishwasher is black and it looks fine.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a black Whirlpool kitchen suite (range, dishwasher, fridge and microwave hood) for going on five years now and I’ve been very happy with all of them. I found, at least, that black was cheaper than stainless, but that might vary by brand.

    8. Llellayena*

      No problem with the mix of stainless and black, but if you mix brands across appliances, be careful with the stainless colors. Each manufacturer seems to have a slightly different color to the stainless steel finish (there’s a brownish one out there that I really like) and having 2 different stainless colors will stick out more than the stainless/black mix. You’re less likely to have that issue going all black.

    9. foolofgrace*

      When I am faced with an impending purchase of more than $100 or so I bite the bullet and get a one-year subscription to the online version of Consumer Reports. It more than pays for itself. Then, after the fact, you might need it again for a different purchase. I got it most recently for a window air conditioner and then had to consult it for a vacuum. I love Consumer Reports.

      1. fposte*

        It’s also worth checking to see if your library has an online subscription that its patrons can use–mine does.

    10. Reba*

      I’d aim to keep the micro and oven coordinated. Otherwise I wouldn’t worry about it.

      We have a Bosch DW and it is freaky-quiet! And effective too. I mean, I am comparing it to the previous machine, a frigidaire that literally did not wash the dishes, but it is really excellent. :)

    11. My Brain Is Exploding*

      We have a kitchen aid dishwasher and fridge. Have had GE dishwasher and microwave. Did not like! Ours are white. If you don’t need an oven, don’t get one. If you move, ask a realtor if you should replace it. If so, then just put in an inexpensive one that matches.

    12. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have a mix of black and stainless steel, and it looks fine as far as I’m concerned. I have dark cherry cabinets and a dark granite countertop with a black dishwasher, so it kind of just blends in to those. My fridge and stove are stainless steel.

    13. EN*

      Some brands also offer Black Stainless Steel, which has a more premium metal look and feel than the standard painted black finish. Could be a nice upgrade that wouldn’t leave your oven looking out of place. The brands I’m familiar with—KitchenAid and Whirlpool—give it a fingerprint resistant coating.

    14. Dusty*

      You’ll be fine with black oven and rest stainless.
      FWIW, we bought Thermador Stove Top, Oven and Steam Ivenz, and they threw in the dishwasher for free. The point being, if you buy what you need at the same time, you could get yourself a real deal!

    15. Bluebell*

      We have all whirlpool appliances, but everyone I know who has a Bosch dishwasher adores it.

    16. Lucette Kensack*

      If your kitchen is open to the rest of your house (or to any other room you use frequently), go for the Bosch dishwasher. They are SO much quieter than other models. I just love ours.

    17. Chaordic1*

      This reminds of how, back in they day, I had a friend who got a helluva deal on mismatched kitchen appliances from a store that was going out-of-business. Avacado Green, Harvest Gold and Brown. She ended up painting the doors of the kitchen cabinets different contrasting colors and the whole thing had a weird kind of harlequin multi-colored vibe to it. Surprisingly it worked.

    18. allathian*

      We have a Bosch dishwasher, and I especially love the cutlery tray at the top. It means I’ll never touch something that’ll go in someone else’s mouth again and I wouldn’t buy another dishwasher without this feature, as I hate the idea of touching the business end of cutlery when I’m emptying the dishwasher. Our old one had a basket, and I’d use disposable gloves when emptying the washer, long before COVID was an issue. It’s also very quiet. Recently, we bought a new Bosch fridge. We used to have a fridge/freezer, but we also have a chest freezer, and needed more room in the fridge.
      Ours are smudge-free stainless steel, as is our Electrolux microwave. The oven has black accents, and we have an induction hob, so it’s all black. They’re Ikea rebranded, but AFAIK the manufacturer’s Philips/Whirlpool.

    19. Piano Girl*

      We discovered when we shopped for our last dishwasher that our dishes (that have a lip) would not fit in a Bosch. If you have dishes with a lip, make sure they fit into whatever dishwasher you pick.

    20. only acting normal*

      Another vote for Bosch. We have dishwasher, fridge freezer, hob, and washer dryer. They’re all freakishly quiet, and very reliable.
      Don’t buy CDA – the oven we got at the same time as everything else has had to be fixed 3 times, and is showing signs of breaking down again. We had two CDA dishwashers crap out on us too.
      We have had Hotpoint goods before that were pretty good, but not as quiet as the Bosch.
      Also our Samsung microwave seems to want to last forever.

    21. Just us chickens*

      It might also depend on when you sell; by the time you sell the new owners may want to buy all new appliances anyway. So as long as you’re happy with the set up of stainless steel and black, I think that’s more important. Plus, for me, it’s more important to have a good quality appliance than the colour of it, so I’d definitely go for a Bosch.

    22. Um, yeah, no*

      If your kitchen is very small, depending on the arrangement of the appliances (if they are all visible at once, vs oven hidden by an island or angle of wall) it might look a little weird having different color appliances. Though if you have different color cabinets (uppers in light grey, lowers in dark grey, for example) it might work.
      I personally would not spend the extra money for stainless unless it is what you really want.
      I also would not worry about future buyers unless that is in the immediate future. Personal anecdote: my spouse insisted on a tub/shower in the master bedroom remodel for “future resale value”. Well, 30 years later, still not moving. I’ve had to step over the bleeping side of the tub through numerous illnesses and injuries, not to mention the irritation of cleaning it…
      So make sure you end up with an arrangement of appliances that YOU want to live with.

  24. Random things you’ve stocked up on*

    Now that it has been 3 months since covid, what random things have you stocked up on / bought that you wouldn’t have previously?

    With all of the zoom calls, I ended up buying 7 or 8 different foundations so I didn’t look like a thumb. I’m usually a matte person but ended up with dewey/ luminous formulas.

    1. nep*

      I have eaten way too many Larabars in the past couple of months (after being off all bars for a long time, as they’re basically glorified candy bars; Larabars aren’t too horrible, as the ingredients are pretty simple in most). In the early days I had this underlying panic and thought I’d better have enough on hand in case food supply halted or something. Ridiculous. Of course I ate them rather than stock them away. Finally stopped buying and eating the danged things last week.
      I also bought a dry erase board I thought I was going to use for my fitness classes I’m doing on Zoom; haven’t used it yet.

    2. Anonymath*

      Ten pounds of onions. I’ve got a big pantry with room for lots of extra storage, and I’m inclined to keep a good backup stock of food anyways because we live in a natural disaster zone, but I still haven’t needed to get into those onions yet.

      2. Em*

        We use 1-2 onions every single day, and it is usually the factor that forces us to go to the grocery store every 2 weeks. How do you keep your onions from sprouting/rotting? Despite being stored in a dark place, ours don’t usually last beyond 2-3 weeks max

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      My partner made us stock up on food (we started in Jan) so we have a crap ton of pasta, beans, and ramen. The ramen will hopefully be eaten by our teenagers.

      He bought a lot of office things, second monitor, laptop connections, switchers, fancy mouse.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      My teenager now does the bulk of the shopping, and this week brought me dried cannelini beans when I was picturing cans. So I actually made beans from dry and they were quite good. Cooked much faster than I expected, less than an hour after soaking overnight. Will do again!

      1. allathian*

        I hope they were also cheaper than the canned stuff? When I was a student and especially when I was interning in Spain more than 20 years ago, I ate a lot of lentils. Those cook fast when you’ve soaked them overnight, and they were really, really and I mean really cheap. The equivalent of 15 cents a pound, dry weight. I would soak about a cupful and that would at least double in volume.

        Wonderful that your teenager’s doing the shopping! I often did that when I was 17 and still lived at home. I worked in a grocery store that summer and continued working weekends and some evenings after school. Because the rules were much less strict then, I was allowed to handle money as a minor and to sell beer and tobacco even though I was too young to buy them, these days this wouldn’t fly. I’d often bring a shopping list of things to buy so we could take advantage of my employee discount.

    5. Jules the 3rd*

      BEANS.

      It turns out that chili is now my kid’s comfort food. He’s 12, and it’s the first soup he’s eaten voluntarily since he was 2. There’s also some texture sensitivities, so I was really surprised when the kid ate the chili enthusiastically. He never even liked chili on his hot dogs…

      1. WellRed*

        Heheh. I’ve never understood why people would want chili on their hotdogs. It’s like a meat garnish on meat.

        1. Rebecca*

          It’s awesome, there’s a diner in town that’s been in business for about 100 years now, and one of their signature things is hot dogs with various toppings, one of them is “Texas” sauce, it’s a ground beef sauce and it’s wonderful on hot dogs with lots of onions on top. We call them “growlers”.

          1. nonegiven*

            We went to Boston a long time ago and I was scandalized and canceled my order at a hotdog stand because they had neither chili or cheese for my hotdog.

        3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          So is bacon on hamburgers, and most people seem to like that. Because it’s delicious.

          Also, hotdogs are fairly boring without stuff on them, and I don’t like ketchup, mustard, or pickle relish.

    7. GoryDetails*

      I just bought a box of face masks. I’ve been using the CDC’s method-number-3 masks – scarves or handkerchiefs folded and looped through rubber bands – and those have worked fine for me for my relatively short-term stints out in the world, but when I saw a hefty supply of face masks at a local supermarket I decided to pick up a box. While the handkerchief method is quick and easy – and the handkerchiefs can be laundered for re-use – I figured it wouldn’t hurt to have disposable masks on hand.

      Oh, and I did stock up on prescription meds, but that was partly due to the drug store – when I renewed my prescription last, they went ahead and got me a three-month supply instead of one, which reduces the number of visits I have to make.

      Other than that, I haven’t really been stockpiling anything; just trying to restock necessary items far enough in advance that I can plan and space out the trips to the supermarket, pet food store, etc.

    8. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I have managed to buy way more canned tomatoes than I realized. And bags of rice. And other miscellaneous stuff like dried fruit. We stocked up a bit beforehand because of brexit and now we kind of look like food hoarders.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Opposite, actually – I had gone to Costco about a week before everything went crazy and bought my usual three month supply of toilet paper, restocked the gloves I keep in my kitchen (texture issues, I hate handling a lot of foods bare-handed), soap refills, cleaning supplies etc, so at no point during the panic did I come anywhere NEAR running out, and we just opened the last case of TP from that trip three days ago, but I still have to stop myself from going down the TP aisle and grabbing a “just in case” pack :-P

      I did accidentally buy a second bag of rice, so I have 50 pounds of it, but that was just because I forgot I had the first one, not intentional stocking up.

    10. Kage*

      Eggs. We go through so so many eggs now. Normally a dozen would last us almost 2 weeks. Lately I’ve been buying the 30-pack each week and we’re STILL running out between Sunday shopping trips.

    11. pancakes*

      Koeze peanut butter by the case. There are only 6 jars in a case so it’s not an absurd quantity of peanut butter, but I used to just buy it by the jar.

      1. Windchime*

        It wasn’t intentional, but I somehow have 3 huge Costco-sized jars of peanut butter in my cupboard. I usually have one as a backup, but somewhere along the way I bought another twin-pack so now I’m set for the next year or so on peanut butter.

    12. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Hmm good question – I think the only thing we really “stocked” up on was toilet paper and that was 2 giant packs back in April. We’re still on the first pack. I mean we needed them normally but we wouldn’t have gotten the giant packs or bought more than 1 at a time. 

    13. Dancing Otter*

      I actually have bread in my freezer. It isn’t quite as good after being thawed (texture), but it beats twice weekly grocery runs. Amazing how much more bread we use, eating lunch at home every day.
      Another thing is cat litter — accidentally. Since I’m using Target’s drive up service, I get several containers at once. But then I forgot I still had some in the trunk and ordered more. Well, it doesn’t get stale, and the kitties will certainly use it eventually.
      Same thing, sort of, with dry pasta. I can’t reach the top shelf without a stepstool, so didn’t realize there were already two or three different unopened boxes up there until I went to put the new ones away. I was so happy my preferred brand was finally back in stock! And then…. oops.
      Sometimes my daughter and I both buy the same thing, which is how we ended up with three months’ supply of toilet paper at one point: a 12- or 18-pack is normal for us, except we both bought one the same week. Toilet paper keeps basically forever, but sadly it also happened with celery and apples, which don’t.

      1. allathian*

        Are you telepathic with your daughter? LOL
        Does this happen a lot? What did you do with the extra apples and celery?

    14. Wishing You Well*

      Cadbury chocolate bars – by the handful!
      Gotta quit that! This quarantine is a marathon, not a sprint. *sigh*

    15. Anxious Cat Servant*

      Yoga pants. Pre-pandemic I really only wore yoga pants for my thrice-a-week gym visits or occasionally as PJs. Now I’m wearing them 24/7 and have bought extras of the ones I’ve found I like the most (Skechers bootcut).

      We did take the excuse to stock up on basics but I grew up military with the belief that you should have 3 months’ worth of food in case of emergency so it’s something I’d wanted to do for a while.

      At the beginning my self-soothing regime included painting my nails every other day so I wound up stocking up on nail polish. That dropped off for a while but at least now I know how to paint my nails without it getting all over my cuticles and I’ve got the supplies if I want to pick it up again.

    16. lazy intellectual*

      At the beginning of the pandemic I developed some unusual eating habits. I suddenly really wanted to eat a lot of sweet junk foods – particularly donuts and Frosted Pop Tarts. I hadn’t had a Pop Tart since I was a child. I spent the entire month of April eating these for breakfast. I also suddenly started guzzling coffee like crazy and had to buy 3x my usual amount (of course, part of this was because I was consuming more coffee at home than in the office.) My eating habits have reverted to normal, now. I just have a lot of coffee.

    17. Altair*

      I began to crave sushi, so I’ve bought sushi rice, nori, rice seasoning, and pickled fish of various kinds. So far I’ve mostly made chirashizushi and a couple of pathetic hand rolls, but I’ll keep trying.

    18. Tris Prior*

      The fact that I have a food/supply stash at all right now is remarkable to me. I was always an eat-down-the-entire-friedge-and-pantry-and-don’t-shop-til-it’s-empty kind of person. Now I actually have a small stockpile, which I know is smart but I really only ever did if a bad blizzard was forecast.

      Things I now have large stashes of: coffee, when before I drank the office coffee 5 days a week as it was actually pretty good. Baking supplies, particularly sugar and flour – since my partner and I are now not eating crap at the office all day long, I feel OK about baking at home now, while before I tried to keep at-home meals super healthy and sugar/flour free to counteract all the crap we ate elsewhere. Dried beans and lentils. Cat food, which again was a buy-when-it’s-almost-gone thing before – my partner and I can eat whatever but our cats need their cat food! I’ve got about a month’s buffer of that now should sh*t hit the fan again.

      Also, after years of wanting to, I signed up for a CSA share, so now I have more veggies in the house than possibly I ever have in my life. I’ve been freezing or otherwise preserving what I can’t use right away so come midwinter I will still be eating off of this stuff.

      Hand sanitizer was very hard to find here for some time and I still don’t see much of it so I got a big jug of it on Amazon that will likely last us months.

      We had a lot of shortages in my city – just yesterday I found hand soap for the first time since mid-March! – so now when we do our rare stockups, I tend to grab an extra of anything I see that I had trouble getting initially but use often, like flour or tofu or pasta. I wonder how long that is going to remain a habit.

    19. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      I bought 15 pounds of oatmeal and close to 100 granola bars, because apparently I conflated stockpiling for a pandemic with camping.

    20. Worked in IT forever*

      Root touch up products. I normally have a bit to tide me in the last week before my usual colour appointment, but I REALLY stocked up. I thought that the products would disappear and that I’d go through a lot of them. I’ve used a lot less than I expected, and I think that salons will be reopening here soon, though. So I’m not sure I’ll ever go through everything I bought.

    21. Nita*

      Powdered milk, because the kids go through almost two gallons a week and I was scared to go to the store that often. I wasn’t counting on the school system distributing lunch to go, so the powdered milk hasn’t come in handy yet. Baby wipes, because they’re good for cleaning hands on the go. Disposable gloves for shopping and public transit. And kids’ Vitamin D because for a few weeks we barely left the house…

    22. Melody Pond*

      I bought two hundred reusable cotton flannel wipes (spent $240 on Etsy), so we could stop using disposable toilet paper altogether.

      We already had a bidet attachment – and honestly, I’d been thinking about this change for a while. Covid just gave me the nudge to make it happen. I wouldn’t have done it without the bidet, for sure, but now that we’ve made the switch, I love it.

    23. Meepmeep*

      I’m stocking up on various hair accessories. I’m letting my hair grow out during this pandemic and it’s just hitting this awkward stage when it gets in my face and can’t be put in a ponytail yet. I am now the proud possessor of a lot of Bobby pins and barrettes and claw clips and headbands, all of which make me look silly.

      1. allathian*

        I hear you, although I only have two cloth headbands so far. Both are black, but they do need washing occasionally…
        Feels like I’m back in college when I had this hairstyle so I could get away with getting a haircut twice a year.

  25. Blue Eagle*

    Decluttering Update #6
    Taking a month off from decluttering and making progress on the flower and vegetable gardens re-motivated me to get back to declutter another 310 items this past month. One project was to tackle the pantry, which is only 30% food and 70% other stuff.
    It was interesting to get all of the non-food items off the shelves and see what things had been tucked away in the corners and never seen since we moved in so long ago. There was so much to discard! My favorite amazing find was a Presto Fry Daddy electric deep fryer from the 1980s that my husband used to make french fries before I met him. Now that I know we have one, it will be fun to finally use it and make our own delicious french fries.
    What amazing finds have your rediscovered in your closets/pantries, etc. when you got around to cleaning them out?

    1. Venus*

      I’m so happy for you! I haven’t done any decluttering in the past few months but my place is okay. Well done you, and I hope you keep it up!

    2. PX*

      Aha. I havent done a clean for a while as I tossed a lot during my last big move about 4 years ago, but rediscovering clothes is one of my favourite things.

      Unfortunately it does also tend to encourage me to cling on to things sometimes because I’m like “But remember that time you rediscovered that thing which you now wear a lot?! What if that happens again?” so then I dont donate things out when I should.

    3. GoryDetails*

      You may have just motivated me to do more decluttering – especially as it’s really hot today so yard work doesn’t sound appealing. In the past I’ve rediscovered lots of “treasures”, from a bean pot that I used for sourdough starter back in college (in the ’70s!) to a “so *that’s* where that’s been!” coffee press that I’d long since replaced (due to not being able to find it).

      There are undoubtedly many more discoveries to be made in the basement, where I’ve been piling up the gardening supplies at the end of each season and then kinda sorta forgetting to get around to sorting them out; the number of new pots I’ve bought in lieu of searching for the old ones is… not insignificant!

    4. Ali G*

      I am inspired by you! I am supposed to be decluttering and reorganizing the kitchen and pantry as we speak/type. Having trouble getting motivated since I know it’s a huge job.

    5. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Packing to move makes me want to declutter but there are two obstacles. One is that nowhere is taking donations or large trash items yet so I don’t have a place to get rid of stuff. The other is that I find it really hard to select items to get rid of when I have to choose between very similar things. I have a ludicrous number of socks, for instance, but trying to pick ones to throw away is somehow very mentally taxing.

    6. Nervous Nellie*

      I love that you are counting the culled items! How satisfyingly tangible!

      I had a related potato find in my cupboards – a Veg-O-Matic french fry slicer from the 70s that somehow has stayed with me all these years. Thank you for the reminder! I will use it tomorrow for a fish & chip dinner I have been looking forward to all week.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      The key to my front door.
      I have two locks the one I use all the time and a deadbolt lock. I lost the deadbolt lock key. I could not find it…. I mean for years I could not find it. I was ready to buy a new lock. And that is when I found it mixed in with a box of hardware. sigh.

    8. Nita*

      Everything is coming up in the planters, though the carrots and beets look a little twisty and stick out of the ground more than they should (I think?) I’m happy to see that the beans are still doing great and are growing flower buds – I guess I’ve learned my lesson and will only grow them outdoors. The backyard is still a work in progress. Also, got the first raspberries of the year! Apparently last week I touched my arms with the same gloves I used to pull poison ivy in April, because I’ve got a horrendous rash on both arms. Oh well – it comes with the territory sometimes.

  26. Long Time Fed*

    I finally pulled the plug on the trip to Japan I was planning for October. It’s my favorite place and although I’ve known for months that it probably wouldn’t happen, it still hurt to cancel. It’s harder because I don’t even know if I should start planning for 2021 because Japan will be strict about who they let in and Americans are going to be last on their list because of our COVID-19 issues.

    What have you had to put off this year that you were really looking forward to?

    1. Blarg*

      All the concerts. I had a couple trips planned to see shows, with friends meeting me and none of them are happening. I am glad the tours are cancelled, I know in the scheme of things this is the smallest of potatoes, and also I’m heartbroken. I am not a religious person but live music is the closest I get — a communal experience with strangers, a shared passion for whomever is playing. And knowing it’ll prob be at least another year is pretty awful for me.

      1. Claire (Scotland)*

        Yeah, it’s concerts and gigs for me. Two shows were rescheduled for the equivalent dates next year, which is fine. One gig was rescheduled from April to August, but I’m expecting that to be postponed or cancelled again. And then just this week the concert I was most looking forward to, in September by my favourite artist, was cancelled entirely. They can’t reschedule it, so I’m really sad about it.

      2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I bought myself a ticket for a show for my birthday last year and it’s been postponed twice now, until next September. And the local beer festival was cancelled. And my husband’s 40th birthday, my parents’ 50th anniversary, and my mother-in-law’s 70th, all of which were supposed to be fun parties and my parents were supposed to come over, possibly with my nephew. But we’re planning to do them all next year instead.

      5. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, concerts! I was supposed to see Def Leppard (my favorite), Motley Crue, Poison, and Joan Jett in August in Hershey, PA, but it has been rescheduled to 07/20/21. I purposefully scheduled my back surgeries earlier in the year so I’d be recovered by August. Oh well. I’m still going to PA that week anyway so I can visit my cousin. She’s in Lancaster so we always stay with her when we see concerts in Hershey.

      6. Tris Prior*

        I feel the same way. Dead Can Dance was touring this spring! It was postponed a year but who knows if it’ll be safe in a year. Also, dancing at clubs (largely goth and/or 80s/new wave) is so important to my mental health. They’re having virtual club nights but the energy is just totally different and it makes me sad. I am like you, live music and dancing are spiritual experiences for me even though I’m mostly agnostic. We just watched the Queen/Adam Lambert documentary the other night and seeing all those people at their concerts, clearly in ecstasy, was painful.

        We cancelled our trip to New Orleans, and decided not to take some other planned but not yet booked trips for obvious reasons. We were hoping to decide what city to move to this year, as we want to leave our hometown. That’s now postponed indefinitely.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          Oh man I haven’t thought about DCD for years. Might have to look up the postponed tour now.

      7. Liane*

        All the cons!
        Especially +Plano, Texas) Gamer Nation Con where we meet up with friends. The early April dates were pushed back to Labor Day Weekend in mid/late March. Even if it does go on in September, we’ll probably have to skip. My husband is high-risk due to medical conditions and both Texas and our state (Arkansas) have increasing numbers of COVID-19 cases as they open up and more citizens disregard remaining restrictions and sensible precautions.
        Our daughter is also missing the anime cons and cosplay she loves.

        Aside from geekery I am missing church and choir.

    2. PX*

      Holidays with family and friends. Things are sort of opening up again, but most of my people require flights to see which are tricky at the moment, and I’m not sure when things will be stable enough to really do anything.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Travel for me too. I have always wanted to go to Santa Fe, and was picturing it as a Big Anniversary + cancer treatment done trip with my husband this fall. I’m now pondering driving somewhere nearby for a long weekend.

      Though New England is opening up in reaction to lower numbers, so I am now picturing occasionally eating out rather than Plan A, getting an airbnb somewhere it’s nice to walk outdoors and cooking all meals ourselves.

    5. Ducksgoquack*

      Seeing my grandma. We live in different countries so when my flight was cancelled there was no other flight option and now I heard it’s difficult to get a visa to where she is. I cant wait to see her again.

    6. Jules the 3rd*

      Visits with my parents – we’re going to see them today for the first time in 3 months. They cancelled their usual May trip to see family. We usually spend 3 – 5 days at the beach together, that won’t be happening.

      We had planned my kid’s first trip to the Smithsonian with my parents over Thanksgiving (the whole town is usually pretty empty), but I’m pretty sure COVID’s not going to be controlled by then, and with the election, things in DC might actually be really crazy, so we’ll put it off a year. But my mom’s not doing so well physically, so I fear that we have missed our chance to do it with her.

    7. NeonFireworks*

      I was supposed to be backpacking around the other side of the world right now, so I empathize. There were some big work events I was really excited about, as well. Hopefully there will be later chances!

    8. GoryDetails*

      Soooo much travel. Mostly just day trips or the occasional overnight with family, but I used to do that a LOT. I can still do some trips, and as the situation allows I may fit in some longer ones, but it’s not as much fun if I can’t rely on being able to drop in to interesting eateries – nowadays if they’re open at all they usually require reservations for the limited outdoor or suitably-distanced indoor seats. And some places still have fairly strict lockdowns on things like beaches, state parks, museums, and other points of interest – luckily I can check all that out ahead of time, but I really miss the “hop in the car and go exploring” mode.

      I’d also wanted to plan a trip to the west coast to see extended family, but I don’t think I’ll be doing any air travel in the foreseeable future…

    9. Jenny*

      I honestly miss baseball and all the summer festivals. My nephew’s birthday is in a couple weeks and we were supposed to go visit.

    10. Might Be Spam*

      Had to cancel my visit to my son. I usually fly because it’s a 1,500 mile drive. Air travel isn’t safe enough yet and there are a lot of Covid hot spot along the way, so driving is out. He normally comes to visit for Christmas but it probably won’t be a good idea this year. It’s hard to wrap my heart around the fact that I don’t know when I will be able to see him again.

    11. MinotJ*

      My big trip was also supposed to be in October, to Hawaii. I kept checking the news to see how much they’re opening, and if the event we’d be traveling for would even happen. The event still hasn’t officially been cancelled, but I’m just deluding myself at this point.

      I’ve also had to cancel a trip to the Midwest US to visit elderly parents, a trip to Canada for a sporting event, a fun trip to Washington’s San Juan Islands, and a beach vacation to Mexico that hadn’t even been purchased yet but was all planned out in my head.

      I keep reminding myself that I’m in a very privileged situation that this is the worst thing I’ve got in my life right now.

    12. Travel Junkie*

      We had to cancel a vacation to Thailand. It would have been our first big trip together with my boyfriend. Even though we had insurance, we lost about 1000$ on accommodation (don’t get me started on this). We got vouchers for the flight tickets but I’m not sure if we will be able to use them because 1) they have an expiry date and 2)the company’s prices have been skyrocketing. In the end the cheapest solution might be to cut our losses and start saving up for a new holiday in a couple of years when it’s safe again to travel.
      This hit us harder then it should have (we are doing okay financially) because we live in a place up North and one of my conditions of moving to this dark, cold and boring place was to travel regularly. Instead, we are stuck here. At least it’s been pretty warm recently and it looks like we can go see family later this summer.
      Has anyone else received vouchers? Do you have any plans with them?

    13. Disco Janet*

      Oh, I’m sorry about Japan! Maybe start planning for 2022? We had to cancel a big family Disney World trip for July – my state has had under 300 cases a day for all of March, and Florida just broke 3000 in one day! So even if we were willing to deal with wearing masks, not having shows or fireworks or parades or character greetings, and so on, it would just be too risky.

      We’re not planning on going until spring 2022 – Disney is currently planning on requiring reservations to enter the park and social distancing through September of 2021! Though my husband and I did plan a trip to Jamaica for our 10 year anniversary next summer! I’m very excited about that – I’m someone who enjoys planning trips, but all this uncertainty has me stressing. So we booked a room with a butler at Sandals Montego Bay, and I am very much looking forward to having someone who will plan everything for us and take care of the details.

    14. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I lost three Disney trips (including my husband’s 40th birthday trip with our dearest friends), a convention I’ve been going to annually for 20 years (which is where I met my husband and housemate), and the executive leadership program I was accepted into at work for this fall got delayed til January because they didn’t feel that it was effective without the in-person interactions. (They tried with the cohort that was already underway and I guess had bad results.)

    15. StellaBella*

      COVID has thrown a monkey wrench into moving to Italy, traveling to New Jersey for a wedding, and going to the beach by the seaside. A lot of my family and friends have had to postpone things like the wedding, moving for jobs, and vacations as well as new school programs and kid-sports-things for now.

    16. LDN Layabout*

      Properly looking at property buying. A chunk of my deposit comes from an inheritance abroad and…I can’t actually go there and sort it out. And it feels like I’m missing out on an opportunity with the current housing market.

      It doesn’t help that it also means I can’t see family living there, so it’s just doubly depressing.

    17. Mimmy*

      Several concerts and our yearly family gathering, which this year was going to be in Cape Cod.

      My husband’s high school reunion in New Mexico (where he grew up) is still on for October and I think he’s contemplating doing that. Although I think NM might be one of the states whose COVID numbers are rising so I wouldn’t be surprised if the reunion gets scrapped too :(

    18. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Seeing my long-distance boyfriend: there’s a border in the way and I have no idea when we’ll both feel safe, or when the Canadian government will let me in without requiring a fourteen-day quarantine (and possibly having to quarantine again when I got home).

      1. LDN Layabout*

        My friend’s in a similar situation, but she got married pre-pandemic and stayed in the US to finish out her teaching year…and now has to move from the East Coast of the US to the West Coast of Canada during a pandemic.

    19. OperaArt*

      A two-day ballroom dance event with judges, our fancy ballroom gowns, professional hair and makeup, a formal dinner, and dozens of opportunities to dance.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A friend’s not visiting from overseas. My daughter’s first big stadium concert. Summer camp for the daughter who’s aging out of it. Restarting my music lessons. Meeting new babies in the family.
      This is depressing.

    21. Merci Dee*

      Last November I booked a cruise to the Bahamas in July for my daughter and me. First time we would have sailed, and we were so excited. We would have been sailing in three weeks, and ordinarily been out of our minds with excitement by this point.

      Weird thing about the cruise is, I always used to say that I never wanted to go on one because the ships are basically floating petri dishes, and various illnesses spread like wildfire among the passengers. But I got over that and booked the trip when we found out that the school trip my daughter was eligible to travel with cost $4700 – a 4 day cruise for both of us to travel was way cheaper than her alone on the school trip.

      And then the first cases of Covid hit the cruise lines.

    23. There's no place like home.*

      This was the biggest year of travel ever. Two trips to Italy, one to Sweden, one to London, Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, New Mexico with the planning of one to Tokyo. Ah well.

    24. HannahS*

      Wedding–we had it, but only our officiants and witnesses were there. No family. Medical school graduation happened online. Honeymoon was canceled.

      Worst part: not having our families there. That just about broke my heart. Beyond just my parents, I’m a big believer in “life event as family reunion,” and all my aunts/uncles/cousins were going to come, too (from Asia, the Middle East, and South America, so it was a big deal)!

      Silver linings: Because we planned very low-key things for both the wedding and honeymoon, we didn’t lose any money on either, despite canceling it two months before the intended date. Also, due to both working from home, my new husband and I get to spend a lot more time together than we would have otherwise!

      1. allathian*

        I’m glad you can see the silver linings. Are you planning an event with family to celebrate your marriage when it’s safe to do so?

        1. HannahS*

          Yes! Absolutely. Truth is, it’ll probably not be until our first anniversary, (or later), but we’ll do it at some point. Even if it winds up being in three years, and its a “hey, come meet our kids, too.”

    26. Quoth the Raven*

      I was going to go visit my boyfriend (he lives in the US, I live in Mexico) around this time of the year, but it’s been scraped for now and I don’t have any definite date figured out for the future (but it’s looking it’ll be at least until next year). I live with my parents who are at higher risk, so that adds another layer of discomfort to the idea of travelling.

      I also wanted to take my mum to visit her hometown in New Mexico this year (she hasn’t been back in decades), but again, that will have to wait.

    27. Lcsa99*

      My husband and I are both turning 40 this year. I usually find birthdays really depressing because of Reasons, but I wanted to really celebrate this year. I kinda wanted to make it a big, happy deal so I could feel OK celebrating in spite of Reasons.

      The party wasn’t supposed to be until September, but most of the people who would help us celebrate are from out of state and a couple in Canada. We haven’t officially canceled but I don’t think we have a shot in hell, making this coming birthday even more depressing than most.

    28. Felicia*

      A trip to New Zealand in April I’d been planning for about a year. The worst is not knowing when I can reschedule

    29. Nita*

      Going to the country for a couple of weeks. My husband was saying we won’t go anyway, but I was hoping I’d talk him into a long weekend, at least. It’s all good though. It was really scary here in NYC for a few weeks, so we’d spend most of the week inside and then go on a long nature hike every weekend. I guess that kind of balances out. Still hoping for that stay in the country next year, though…

    30. Nicki Name*

      A big international trip for me too. We’re still tentatively planning a Disney trip by the end of the year, but I’m trying to not be too optimistic.

    31. Lemonwhirl*

      Was meant to see my favourite band 3 times earlier this month and those shows were all rescheduled.

      Also have had to give up the idea of taking my kid on a European city break in October for his October break. Last year, we went to Paris and had a great time and were looking forward to starting a new tradition.

      And I had planned to sign up for a special work program that would have had me working in a foreign city for 2 months this autumn.

      My sisters-in-law and their families are supposed to travel to us for Christmas for the first time in 10 years and although they’re still planning to, I honestly can’t see it happening. (They already cancelled summer trips here. The having to quarantine for 2 weeks is a big hurdle. That requirement might be gone by Christmas, but I am dreading flu season and expecting that it might get way worse before it gets better.)

    32. allathian*

      Our annual road trip. We were planning for early June, when the school year had ended. We hadn’t finalized any plans or booked any tickets, so we didn’t lose any money on the cancellation, but still, it was something we’d looked forward to as a family.

    33. Lisa L*

      Tickets to NYC Broadway shows. Music man with Hugh Jackman. Trips to Canada and Ecuador to visit my daughter during her semester abroad. 25th Wedding celebration cancelled.

    34. Daisy Avalin*

      I should have been at a cricket match today :( Was planning on travelling to Manchester yesterday, cricket today, then a bit of shopping tomorrow before travelling home – a treat for my birthday (today).
      Really annoyed I couldn’t go, especially since the train tickets would have been stupid cheap!

      Hopefully I’ll be able to go next year, although I doubt it’ll be the same dates/actually on my birthday.

    35. only acting normal*

      I’d been feeling bit scruffy so I was going to smarten up my work wardrobe, and make more of an effort to keep my hair well styled… AH-HAHAHAHAHA! I have used a comb twice since March, and an iron once.
      Also live music events – but so far they’ve been rescheduled.

    36. Alex*

      I had a beach vacation planned last March. Lost $800 worth of airline tickets. I have “credits” that are good until the end of the year, but I don’t see how I can use them.

      I’m hoping I can eventually make the airline give me back my money but I’m not banking on it.

    37. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

      In 7 hours my family was scheduled to hop in our obnoxiously large vacation car and travel to Cape Cod for the week. We stay in a Best Western, fish during the day on the Bass River, swim in the hotel pool for a couple of hours and go to Provincetown at night for squid and mackerel fishing while living on burgers and fried food and ignoring the amazing restaurants because we are doing to many other things.

      Maybe next year.

    38. Mameshiba*

      I’m so sorry :( Hopefully we will know more about Japan immigration rules in a few weeks. I was supposed to get married in the US this year but had to postpone because can’t get back into Japan. Probably going to have to move our postponed date as well.

  27. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    There are no limits on size (mold in your coffee cup counts if it is important to you), and feel free to ask questions

    1. PX*

      A neighbour put out some lemon verbana cuttings, so I’m attempting to see if I can get those to..sprout? Root? Do the thing where they become alive and I can plant them basically. Its failing so far, but its nice to try. And in the meantime I’ve had some lemon verbana leaves which smell nice and I’ve dried a bunch for future use.

      A different neighbour also had an alpine strawberry plant going spare after splitting it so I’ve acquired that too. Waiting for the teeny tiny strawberries to ripen so I can eat them. May need to repot it. It seems to have come with a lot of nature (ie bugs) attached.

      And I probably also need to repot my mother-in-laws tongue (aka snake plant) as I feel like the leaf to pot/soil ratio is slightly out of balance. Alternatively are you meant to prune it? Its definitely growing (unlike my other plants which seem alive but dormant)…

      1. Venus*

        I seem to have strawberry plants randomly throughout my yard, among the grass. I wish that it was in one place, so that I could find and eat the strawberries! Instead they disappear into the birds. I’m curious to know if you get any fruit!

        1. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

          That might be a mock strawberry! They look really similar but if you look closely at the fruit, it’s imitating the external seeds of the true strawberry with teeny blobs of fruit flesh. I did some quick research after finding some in my own yard, and they are reportedly non-toxic but relatively flavorless if consumed.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      Bulbs I planted last spring (and left over winter) are coming up. Gladiolus and peonies are all I can remember but there are two other.

      My blueberry bushes aren’t flowering and one lost half it’s size- I guess the left side died? But they mostly survived.

      I have some indoor plants I should repot but I’m scared I’ll shock them. I have a pretty black thumb.

      Anyone have luck in killing spider mites? I’ve tried spraying rubbing alcohol but that burns the leaves. Regular soapy water?

      1. Ranon*

        On spider mites for stuff I wasn’t going to eat I’ve had the best luck with a systemic insecticide (the dry soil amendment type).

      2. Natalie*

        Insecticidal soap is pretty effective, as well as non-toxic and cheap. Regular soapy water can totally work but packaged insecticidal soap will be the right composition and concentration.

      3. pancakes*

        Neem oil diluted in water, maybe? The only mites I’ve had a problem with are clover mites, which I didn’t realize were called that until searching “tiny red mites.” A couple sites recommended spraying peppermint oil diluted in water for those, which I did, and I haven’t seen any since.

      4. Venus*

        “Ed Lawrence of CBC recommends this recipe for infestations of Aphids, Whitefly, and Spider Mites: 40 parts water: 1 part liquid soap – usually dish soap. This is messy when spraying or using a soppy washcloth, so it’s recommended to apply the treatment in the bathtub (spray from underneath or wipe leaves), don’t be shy, your victim should be dripping wet. There will be insect eggs so as soon as you see new signs of crawly life — repeat!
        For ‘Scale’ use same recipe but add 8 parts rubbing alcohol (to help break down the waxy shell); leave on for 5–10 minutes. Another trick I learned was to cover the soil tightly with a bag or anything that will hold the soil in the pot, submerge upside down and gently swish – rinse with clean water after you feel every pesky bug has expired.”

    3. Container gardening*

      Some parts are growing well and some others not so well! I have a container garden on my patio and my tomato plants are not doing so well. Which is a shame because last year they did absolutely awesome. One of the plants Was looking very sad (yellowing, curling leaves) and it’s stem was growing sideways and the base was very dry and brown while another part of it looked like there root nodules. So I buried the stem further hoping that additional roots would sprout and save the plant (this was about a week ago). The plant still looks very sad (although it’s only been a week) and I am now contemplating whether I give up on it and buy another seedling before the seedlings all disappear. Some of the leaves on my other tomato plant are developing black spots and I’m not sure if it’s something to be concerned about or not.

      When do you decide it’s a lost cause and move on versus trying to save the plant?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Keep nursing this one along and go buy another one. If you get too many tomatoes you can give them away. But if you get no tomatoes, that is sad.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Everything is tiny and pathetic still, even after being planted out two weeks ago. I think it might just be that the weather was first very hot and dry, then got very chilly, near freezing some nights; and then has been very dull for a few weeks. Hopefully it will perk up soon but in the meantime I’m thinking about buying some plants.

    5. Doctor is In*

      I had already vowed pre-Covid to be a better gardener this year, not let bugs and weeds take over like last year! So far so good. I have had plenty of lettuce, kale, spinach and peas. Tomatoes are coming along. I planted small batches (all in garden boxes) and replant every few weeks for continuous supply. Got seeds from Johnny’s Seeds- they have things like lettuce mixes and kale mixes that give variety in a small space. Also have some strawberries, trying to keep the slugs away is a challenge.

    6. Teapot Translator*

      Is it terrible to water my plants while it’s sunny?
      I know we’re not supposed to, but it’s when it’s sunny that I think of watering my plants (on the balcony). If I have to wait until there’s enough shade, I often forget. :(

      1. hermit crab*

        I assume they’re in containers, since they’re on your balcony? Then don’t worry about it – for container plants, if it’s hot and sunny, it’s more important that they get enough water. I recommend looking up some watering guidelines for the specific plant types (do they like to dry out completely between waterings? etc.) but otherwise you’re fine. Mostly that recommendation is for stuff like using a sprinkler on your lawn, when it’s wasteful to use water that’s just going to evaporate.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Thanks! And also thanks for explaining for the sprinkler. There’s a no-watering the lawn rule in place at the moment (second heat wave of spring!), but I watered my dad’s plants with a water can and I just did it when I thought of it and didn’t wait for the sun to go away.

      2. fposte*

        It’s fine. It’s not optimal because there’ll be more evaporation, but it’s not going to hurt them. (There’s an old myth that you’ll boil your plants, but I think people who say that have never touched actual earth.)

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Some plants are fussier than others. I try to water from the base instead of getting the leaves wet, because I’ve had some plants that have trouble with mildew. If the best time to prune is when your knife is sharp … Then the best time to check if your plants need water is when you think to check.

    7. Jen Erik*

      Four or five of my Brussel sprouts are slightly keeling over, and a couple of the kale are looking tipsy as well. I don’t know if it’s cabbage root fly or club root, or just that it’s been fairly windy recently; I might dig one up and peer…
      The irises were just fabulous this year, but now they’re going over the leaves are very tired looking – some are brown, some tattered – is that normal? They’ve only been in two years, and last year I only had one flower, so it feels too soon to split them, but do you think I should?
      And the blackbirds in the hedge have fledged, without the cat finding them, which is really lovely – but every time I go into the kitchen garden there is a flurry from the red currant bushes, so I think what we gain in bird population we lose in soft fruit.

      1. pieforbreakfast*

        That’s normal for iris leaves, you can trim off brown ends but don’t prune them all the way because they’re creating the energy for next year’s growth. Eventually they will die off and then can be pruned out (usually late fall). Cut the flower stems to the base when they’re faded. I wouldn’t divide them yet unless they seem overgrown, like rising up above the surface or growing into each other.

    8. LQ*

      Reporting in from my indoor gardening. The lettuce is still looking really good. The tomato is coming along really well. The first one is up to about the size of the tip of my pinkie. The peppers are flowering. (Thank you so much to the person who mentioned about making sure to beware pollination without bees!)

      The basil is still …weirdly pathetic. Like a leaf a week worth picking. I have grown basil successfully in the click grow garden, and basil is supposed to be one of those that does really well in these things. This one is in the aerogarden. I can’t tell if I should toss it and start over or if I should be more patient.

      I’m also not sure how much I should be pruning the tomato or pepper plants. They’ve got some leaves that are sort of curled under that aren’t getting much light, should I be cutting those?

      1. Venus*

        It might have been me about the pollination, as I learned that myself recently. A friend uses their electric toothbrush against the stem to promote pollination!

        Tomatoes should have the shaded leaves trimmed, yes. Especially if they are near the bottom of the plant. I’m not sure about peppers but it would seem reasonable.

        1. LQ*

          Thank you! I thought so based on a few things I read but it’s one of those things that get muddy after a while in my brain. I’ll trim some leaves tonight :)

    9. Treebeardette*

      I LOL’ed at the mold in a coffee cup. I recently pulled an orange out of the package and poof! Mold spores.
      I grow my plants with a green house shelf inside. I attacked these purple grow lights to it. I’m not sure what I think of it. My one succulent flowered. I don’t know if that’s a good thing but it’s cool!
      I plan on growing sprouts for salads soon.

    10. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I put up a cucumber trestle a few days ago and the vines are starting to cling to it. The plants have been putting out lots of bright yellow flowers, some of which have now shriveled, meaning I am hoping for cucumbers soon.

      I put too many seeds of Tom Thumb lettuce into a pot, all of which sprouted, so I am not so much thinning the seedlings as nibbling on microgreens.

      No flowers on the tomato plants yet, alas.

    11. Stephanie*

      I did some clean up in my backyard last weekend and found a peony plant under some overgrown bushes. It’s in a really shady area, and I think that peonies need more sun. Does anyone know if peonies can be moved successfully? If so, can I do it now, or is there an optimal time to move it? Any tips I should know?
      We just moved to this house last September, and it’s fun seeing things pop up. I discovered that the tree next to the back door is a dogwood, which was a very nice surprise.

      1. pieforbreakfast*

        Yes! Move the peony to a happier place. Best in early Fall (like September) since they’re an early spring plant. Cut the stems to the ground, dig out the root (looks like a tuber) trying to get as much of the root system as possible.

        1. Stephanie*

          Thanks! My front yard is very sunny, so I will find a spot there for it in the Fall.

      2. RagingADHD*

        And don’t plant it too deep! I don’t remember the right amount, you’ll have to look it up. But mine didn’t bloom for years because I buried it too deep, I finally found out.

        They like to be shallower than you’d expect for their size.

      3. Nita*

        I don’t know, my peony is in a shady spot and was doing very well until my neighbor decided it needs more sun! I wasn’t around when she moved it, so it’s possible she did something wrong – in any case, the transplanted peony died. The roots didn’t, though! A couple of years later I found a peony leaf peeking out from the hydrangea she planted in its place. It looked pretty sad for a while and all I could do was thin everything around it to let it get some light. That was about five years ago, and this year it bloomed again. It’s still in a shady spot, but that doesn’t seem to be a problem.

    12. The Other Dawn*

      I finally bit the bullet and decided to get a landscaper in to clean up my big garden, the one I had demolished last year. I’m still on back restrictions (back surgery) so I have to either nag my husband to plant some things for me, pay someone to do it, or just watch helplessly while the weeds grow. Thankfully it’s nowhere near as bad as previous years. I also want to move my sage, oregano, and thyme into the big garden. They’re overtaking the raised bed, and I want to use that bed for jalapenos. The guy came out yesterday to look at everything. Hopefully I’ll have the quote next week since they’re scheduling three to four weeks out at this point. I was hoping my sister could plant for me next weekend when she visits, but I’ll have to find something else for her to do. Maybe plant a row of hostas out front. Not my favorite plant, but I have to do literally nothing to make them survive and they’ll fill up all the open space in front of the stone wall.

      One raised bed I managed to plant myself. I put in some tomato plants, green beans, and scotch bonnet peppers.
      I also was able to plant a few small plants in the big garden last weekend: hens and chicks in honor of my mom (she loved them), Golden Creeping Sedum, and a small purple phlox.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Most of my lettuce has vanished. The leftover one I put in a pot next to a tomato is going strong. A friend gave me some more perennials and squash seedlings to replace the ones that fell victim to the weather, just in time for us to get more bad weather. The bad flavored mint is back, but the good tasting mint is doing much better so it all evens out. How do you keep slugs out of your dahlias?

      2. Dahlia Enthusiast*

        For keeping slugs out of dahlias, I’ve used slug bait and/or crushed eggshells, and done beer traps sometimes, too.
        I was once advised to get some SOLO cups, cut off the bottoms, and put them around the dahlia shoots (like the cup is upright). I guess it makes it too much work for the slugs, to go up and over?

      3. Natalie*

        Sounds weird but open cans of beer are an excellent slug trap. Drink enough beer that you can lay the open can down without the remaining beer spilling out. (Or pour it out I guess.)

    14. Dancing Otter*

      Thank you for including indoor plants. I have two potted plants on a plant pole, that have so far resisted all my attempts to kill them by neglect.
      The African violets all died over the winter, and I haven’t had a chance to replace them yet: it’s all very well to order tulip bulbs by mail, but I don’t trust live plants to arrive, well, alive. I don’t know which is worse for them, freezing in winter or being baked in a hot delivery truck in the summer, but I can wait until I feel safe going to the store.

    15. Seifer*

      My long planter is doing well! Tomatoes and cucumbers are going gangbusters; the tomatoes have started to fruit and enough of the cucumber flowers are collapsing that I’m hopeful that the male flowers have gotten the pollen they needed from the female flowers and will fruit soon, too. The pole beans… they’re still trying to grow up and I think next year I’m going to do bush beans since I can’t get the height needed for the pole ones. I have no idea how the potatoes are doing but I guess we’ll find out eventually?

      Basil and mint are growing like weeds. Harvested radishes the other day and they were delicious. I also have a couple of ornamentals that are doing super well and then some of my inside houseplants that are on ‘summer vacation’ outside have put out plenty of new leaves. Oh, and then the peppers that I’m babysitting have fruited and now we’re just waiting for them to ripen. I have Caribbean reds, chocolate habaneros, and an infinity seven-pot that are very happy with the regiment of tons of sun and water… pretty much every day. I still have some room for more plants and I’m debating what I should plant in my empty radish container, but it’s basically a jungle on my balcony haha.

    16. RagingADHD*

      Green beans and blueberries coming in by the gallon. Blackberries are over. The plum tree had a decent first year, really juicy and tasty. Collards & kale are happily cut & come again.

      I need to get on top of the weeding, but it’s 90F and up. So I’ll have to start getting up early again.

      Hard to do, but it’ll be a much-needed antidote to the quaran-doldrums of staying up late & sleeping in.

    17. Alexandra Lynch*

      Nothing this year but a brand new house and a yard with serious drainage issues and mature trees.
      I want to plant things but this year may be the year of figuring out what likes to grow with its feet in water.

    18. Natalie*

      Regarding indoor plants, I’ve had this lime tree for at least a year, maybe two, and while I’ve kept it alive it was definitely not thriving. It always had scale somehow, even though I was monitoring it closely to remove them, and didn’t grow a single new leaf the whole time.

      Well, this year I put it outside a week or two ago, as soon as it got warm enough. A new cluster of leaves has already unfurled and I can see two more beginnings growing. It’s not an issue of light since the room where it lived gets the same light. I guess it just needed to be outside?

      1. Venus*

        I always thought that windows limited some of the UV rays? So maybe it is getting more light by being outside. But I could be wrong.

        1. allathian*

          I think it’s the UV. Glass filters some of it. Full-spectrum lights for plant growth include UV.

    19. Nita*

      Everything is coming up in the planters, though the carrots and beets look a little twisty and stick out of the ground more than they should (I think?) I’m happy to see that the beans are still doing great and are growing flower buds – I guess I’ve learned my lesson and will only grow them outdoors. The backyard is still a work in progress. Also, got the first raspberries of the year! Apparently last week I touched my arms with the same gloves I used to pull poison ivy in April, because I’ve got a horrendous rash on both arms. Oh well – it comes with the territory sometimes.

    20. Liane*

      My potted roses are doing well, with rose food and neem oil. The pink Attack Rose (giant thorns!) is getting ready another wave of hand-sized blooms. My Easter lily (2019 church plant) bloomed in May! My poinsettia (2019 Christmas) is happy & green next to the roses. Our daughter’s hisbicus is blooming too.
      Inside, I have small pink/green houseplant and my Christmas cactus. Am ready to give son an ultimatum — he moves his 3 lovely houseplants to his new apartment soon or they’re mine.

      Questions —
      1. Is it too late to plant gladiolus bulbs or hosta roots?
      2. How do I get happy & green poinsettia to bloom and grow the red bracts for Christmas?
      3. Can the little houseplant palms be divided when replanted?

      1. Dancing Otter*

        The guy who sells gladioli at our farmers market plants more every week through at least the end of July, in order to have fresh blooms every week instead of a million all the same week. Unless you’re in a lot colder zone (shorter growing season) than northern Illinois, I’m sure you’d be fine planting gladioli now.

        I believe getting the poinsettia to turn red has something to do with hours of sunlight. Sorry I can’t advise better.

    21. Loopy*

      First time gardening here! We have some potted tomatoes and have actually reached the fruit stage which is so exciting! But now we’re hoping to get them the whole way and could use some help! Does anyone have tips from experience on amount of direct sunlight, watering, when to actually pick a tomato, etc? I know we can find this online but it’s so much better to get lessons learned and little tips and tricks general sites don’t always offer!

      We are also doing basic and attempting bell peppers. Basil is great, worried the bell peppers are too crowded but we have a few flowers at least?

      1. Nita*

        Tomatoes really like lots of water. I’m watering every day unless it rains. If you want them to ripen sooner, pull out the side shoots that start growing at the base of the branches, so the plant puts its energy into the fruit instead of branching out. As for when to pick, I guess it’s when they turn nice and red (or whatever color they’re supposed to be). You could leave them on the vine a few more days to make sure they’re ripe, but for me that usually means they disappear (probably the squirrels…)

  28. Rebecca and the Bear*

    Rebecca, a while ago you said you found a young bear hanging around your car like he wanted a ride! You told him no and he went away.

    Did he come back? Or look like he still wanted a ride?

    I was amazed how calm you were about it (I would not have been!) but the idea of a “kid bear” wanting a car ride made me smile!

    1. Rebecca*

      I’m glad it made you smile! I love seeing our wildlife here. My poor wayward 2nd year cub is still coming around, I think he’s lonely without his Mom and sort of trying to find his way. He likes to walk into the back yard near the deck during the day, I’ve caught him a few times over the past weeks, so I go out and tell him to “get off my lawn” and shake my fist, like a grumpy old person. I had to put the garbage can in the garage (caveat, there’s no “garbage in it, everything that can’t be composted like meat bones are in a bag in the freezer until garbage pickup day). About 2:30 AM about 2 weeks back, I heard our garbage can being rolled away, yes, I recognize the sounds the wheels make on the pavement…and sure enough, the bear was wheeling the can toward the woods. They do the strangest things sometime. The next morning I found it overturned with the lid off, but nothing was scattered and the can wasn’t damaged. I also make sure to bring in the hummingbird feeder and the one small tray feeder for the other birds every night so it’s not a snack source.

      Unfortunately, there are people who feed them on purpose and the bears can become a nuisance and destructive, and are trapped, tagged with yellow tags in their ear (or ears) and relocated. Sometimes they become so much of a problem they’re put down. I think that’s very sad as we humans have encroached on their habitat.

      1. PX*

        Oh my god the bear came and took the garbage can!!!! I love it.

        I’ve seen those videos that go viral of bears in hot tubs/pools/opening doors, and I think people underestimate how smart animals are. And especially when they get used to certain environments, they learn how to get around things.

        Shame about people feeding them like you say, I hate when people encourage “bad behaviour” in animals and then get surprised by the results :/

        1. allathian*

          LOL at the garbage can.
          That feeding should really be stopped somehow. Bears are smart. In Sweden where bears are hunted but mothers with cubs are protected by law, some bears have started to wean their cubs later, keeping them an extra year (2.5 years instead of 18 months). I think that’s pretty cool.

      2. Rebecca and the Bear*

        Ha! Who knew you’d be a grumpy old person to an adolescent bear??

        Stealing the garbage can like that is so amazing! I’m glad nothing bad happened but it’s so amazing what they figure out.

        1. Rebecca*

          I think he is super adorable, but I half heartedly grump at him – I don’t want him to be used to me to the point where he gets into trouble with other humans or isn’t afraid to just walk right up to them. He’ll meet a quick end if he does that here.

  29. MinotJ*

    TLDR: Where can I find soft insoles that fit Birkenstocks?

    I’ve been a Dansko person for years, but I started wearing more “foot-shaped” shoes a few years ago on a lark. Literally, I googled “why aren’t shoes shaped like feet?” and fell down a rabbit hole (ok the second clause is metaphorical). My feet seem quite happy in Lems and Altra and the like, and I spend quite a bit of time barefoot also. But my foot-shaped feet are becoming more and more neanderthal-foot-shaped. I’m fine with it, but it means I can’t ever go back to my beloved Danskos.

    I got Birkenstocks a few months ago after avoiding them for years. I got either the SuperBirki or the ProfiBirki because I needed waterproof clogs for work. The shape is great, but the insole was nuts. I have high arches and the huge Birkenstock insole arch hit me in the wrong place, so I took it out. But the volume of the shoe is so huge that I had to replace it with a cut-to-size foam insole. The foam insole isn’t working great; it doesn’t have enough volume to keep the shoes filled up and they still flop around a bit. My partner (a Birkenstock fan) is aghast that I would buy $100 plastic shoes and then throw away the part of the shoe that made them worth that much money. But I like the shell of the shoe; I just want an insole without the rock-hard enormous arch support.

    1. sswj*

      I’m a prefer-to-be-barefoot person also, and I still pretty much live in Danskos. I’ve got wicked bunions though, and they’re one of the few shoes that don’t rub me. I’m in retail and on my feet all day, and I go back and forth between Dansko clogs and their sneaker-type shoe (Honor, they’re called). In those I actually put Ariat insoles, the blue Carbon ones. They’ve got enough arch support without breaking my feet, and enough squish to be soothing and still supportive.

      Happy feet are important!

    2. foolofgrace*

      In my area there is a store called The Walking Company or The Walking Store that carries shoes for hard-to-fit feet. I have extremely high arches. They sell orthotic insoles, you walk across this pad thing and it shows where you put the pressure and you can buy orthotics to match. They aren’t cheap ($70 or so) but they’re worth it if you have challenged feet. I too live in Danskos, the Professional ones.

  30. PX*

    I like to broaden my news sources, so I read the English version of DW (German news), and there is a great article on there titled “Do we need to work less to save the world?”. I’d recommend reading it, but I really like the fact that it challenges some of the consumer focused ideas that are floating around, and says we should be looking at the big picture. To quote:

    “Everyone knows you have to consume less,” Frey said. We know that the throughput of energy and resources inherent in Western lifestyles is unsustainable. But focusing on consumption puts the onus on individual choice instead of asking why we are producing so much stuff that is harmful to the planet in the first place.

    And

    Mediavilla says traditional societies aimed to work only as much as necessary to meet the needs of the population and cared for the natural resources on which their livelihoods depended.

    As usual the topic of a universal basic income comes up, as well as the idea of fewer working hours (my favourite proposal).

    But it got me thinking: what do you think the best way to save the world is/would be? With all that is going on particularly in the US around social/political structures that could be improved, what things do you think would help get us closer to utopia?

    1. nep*

      Everyone should listen daily to Jon Kabat-Zinn and especially Dr. Gabor Maté and spend time outside interacting with nature.

      2. PX*

        I like time outside interacting with nature. I think for many people thats a definite improvement in quality of life almost instantly :)

      3. Reba*

        Thanks for these rec’s nep!

        I like Joanna Macy’s writings. She might be a little out there for some (a key idea is the “non-linear view of reality”) but it’s all about seeing ourselves as closely integrated with the earth and its systems, and so she links the struggle for justice with developing an ecological consciousness.

        She coined certain phrases like “the great unraveling” (to describe the multi-catastrophic period we are in) and “the great turning” (shift away from industrial growth-based society to more ecological society) that work for me in thinking about these issues.

    2. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’d say that as a civilization, we’d need a change of paradigm and start to consider economy a simple tool at our service instead of the alpha and omega of our lives.
      But then, I’d be going into politics and against commenting rules.

      1. PX*

        Yup. I like like how you put it. The economy is just meant to be a way to help keep track of the payment for various goods and services. It’s now turned into an enormous monster that controls so many things in life and for which it’s not actually suited.

        There was also a hilarious quote going going round twitter a few weeks ago saying how the stock market market is just a gauge of rich white mens feelings and I had to laugh because it’s true.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      No longer let corporations be considered people, and don’t make the primary purpose of a corporation to be to increase profits for shareholders. Tax the hell out of anyone making over $10 million. Tax exponentially even more anyone making over $1 billion.

      2. PX*

        This. I get so mad at the government where I am for talking about how they want to reduce corporation tax, meanwhile funding for all the basic things the government is supposed to provide (hospitals, schools, infrastructure etc) has been cut to almost nothing in the last few years.

        And I’m like: what is wrong with you people???!! Where do you think the money is going to be coming from??!! Because raising it from income tax or a sales tax is just punishing people who don’t make enough money as it is.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      There is a burgeoning ‘degrowth’ movement that makes a lot of sense to me, but the catch is that we would need all of society on board with it. We could work less, earn less, and live more simply, but if housing, health care and education are still at their full-retail rates, we will struggle more than we already do.

      That said, the old-fashioned ideas of living on less than you make, keeping things longer than we currently do, and downscaling our expectations for enjoyment (ie. a summer hike instead of going to Disneyland), can offer enormous freedoms. I downscaled hard in a divorce a decade ago, and live in a tiny apartment and drive a car that is old enough to vote, and I have never been happier. :)

      1. PX*

        Oh man. I’m not sure if it was just the particular journalist I was following, but back during the last big crash (2010?) I remember reading a few economists talking about how the world needed to rethink the whole ‘constant growth’ idea of economies. It seemed like a fairly trendy topic for a while and then just seemed to disappear, but I was always on board with it because just. How is it a sensible idea that people are always consuming more? Why are economies built on that premise? It just seems so illogical to me and yet thats what people expect. Mad.

        So yes, I think a radical rethink in terms of what societies goals should actually be is probably one place to start.

    5. Koala dreams*

      I think it’s important to not focus on finding the best way to utopia, and instead start with the ways we already have. We can start now, and improve our methods as we go along.

      If I need to choose one thing, I would say time off from work. For many people, life goes on in the same tracks. When you have vacation or other time off work, the tracks swerve and there is suddenly time to think about how you wish life would be instead of how it is. More friends, less dishes to do, less pollution, a more meaningful life.

  31. Oxford Comma*

    I have been reading a little bit about people creating Quarantine Pods or Bubbles (if I understand this correctly, this means you find people who are doing the same kinds of things you are doing and whom you can trust and then can be more social).

    If anyone has done this, do you have tips you can share? How are you all keeping on the same page? Good experiences? Bad experiences?

    1. Disco Janet*

      We have a quarantine bubble! It started off just us plus my parents. Now, the negative thing about this is that my dad is a store manager, so he’s with the public every day. But so is my essential worker husband, unfortunately, and we needed my mom’s help with occasional babysitting while I work from home. My mom and I are equally fastidious about sanitizing everything, and my husband and dad both wear a mask and work and shower as soon as they get home. And it’s nice to have their house to go to when I just need a change of scenery. They are not doing social get together a beyond the ones with us, and vice versa. I think that’s the most important thing – much as I’d love to have a bubble that includes other friends of mine, they’re also seeing their parents, and their parents are seeing other friends too, and at that point the bubble is just too big. Maybe soon though, as we’re doing pretty well with the virus here in Michigan.

      1. Oxford Comma*

        Did you talk out boundaries or anything ahead of time? Or did that happen organically?

        1. Disco Janet*

          My mom and I had a discussion about it, but we already kind of knew we were on the same page just based on previous discussions before we started seeing each other regarding sanitizing, getting cabin fever from not leaving the house, grocery deliveries, etc.

    2. RagingADHD*

      We are going to have to find a pod soon. My younger extrovert kid is just miserable, she’s so lonely.

      Problem is, one of her BFF’s mom is a nurse, so we know she’s highly exposed. The other is just not taking it seriously at all and not taking any precautions.

      It’s a pickle.

    3. A*

      I know I’m 2 days late to the thread, but answering on the off chance you check back..

      I’m in a ‘pod’ with my best friend, her husband, and their 1 1/2 year old son. By extension through them it also includes her brother and mother. My best friend is a hospice nurse and relatively high-risk (not working with COVID patients, but passing through facilities with cases).

      I’m single/childless and relocated to this fairly rural area ~1 year ago for work, after specifically choosing this location because I had a pre-existing social base. I sheltered in place for three full months (have been WFH since March, will be at least through end of the summer) but it eventually got to the point where for mental and physical health reasons I needed to start incorporating some in person interactions. In our case it was relatively easy to put into place because I was the one choosing to join a higher risk bubble – I just sent her a text one day saying I was ready to start hanging out again and we all agreed that we didn’t feel masks were necessary (again, fairly straight forward as this was entirely my call to make since they were higher risk), especially since I’m extremely close with their son and there’s only so much social distancing you can do with a toddler. We figured if I’m interacting with him as usual, the jig is up since it’s only a matter of time before he sticks his fingers in my mouth / licks my face etc.

      It’s worked out really nicely. I’m getting to see my friends and not turn into a hermit, and I’m also able to help them out with some of the child care during the days since my employer is extremely supportive of people having to work + watch kids at the same time right now.

  32. So not using my regular name here*

    I would like to know how other people’s own peronal/family lives have changed or what actual individual life changes have you made since Ms. Frazier’s video became public?

    We are concerned about identity theft as our tax preparer’s office was in a building that was damaged by post protest riots. (We are unsure if PII was removed or not, so we are being pessimistic and assuming it was.)

    Banking is drive up not ATM. (Most ATM’s give cash in twenty dollar bills and my partner has changed from no bills larger than a twenty to no bills twenty or larger. )

    We have decided to try following NASCAR.

      1. fposte*

        I’ve seen some great comments about that–like who knew the left was going to get Neil Gorsuch and NASCAR and the right was going to get J. K. Rowling?

    2. StellaBella*

      For me personally, my life itself has not changed much but I have begun to modify my behaviour. I am no longer filtering most of my facebook to a small group of like-minded friends and family…now I mostly use the “Friends” setting for all the people on my page to see my social justice work and support for women, feminist ideas, science, climate change, and equality/equity. I also am supporting NAACP with a monthly donation to their Empowerment Fund. I am reaching out to check in with friends and family to see how they are doing and have shipped masks to friends and family who cannot get them in their areas.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      We are concerned about identity theft as our tax preparer’s office was in a building that was damaged by post protest riots. (We are unsure if PII was removed or not, so we are being pessimistic and assuming it was.)

      You should be concerned about identify theft all the time. There’s all sorts of shady and careless stuff going on. I mean, there was an Equifax breach not too long ago.

      I would recommend putting on a credit freeze.

    4. ThatGirl*

      I was confused by who Ms Frazier was, so let me say for anyone else who’s confused, she’s the young woman who filmed George Floyd’s killing. I’m not sure why you didn’t use his name.

      I’m also not sure why your partner is concerned about big bills? What does that have to do with it?

      I’ve been a Black Lives Matter supporter for years (I’m not saying that to toot my own horn) but this has me redoubling efforts to be a worthy ally and anti-racist.

      1. So not using my regular name here*

        I use Ms Fraser’s name because:

        I wanted to minimize the risk of triggering.

        Ms Frazier’s decision to take and then post the video was an act of bravery worth veneration. The BBC has an article about people who share unfavorable video of police if you would like more information.

        Most importantly – many people feel that Mr. Floyd’s horific killing would not have received the attention or even the acknowledgement that it did without Ms Frazier’s sharing of the video. Remember, Mr Floyd’s death was originally reported as someone being arrested who was in medical distress. In Minneapolis, only the subjects of police body camera video may request it and it is only made available once the police department is officially finished with all investigations related to the video. (That is, if the body cam is on and functional.) The Minneapolis Star Tribune has an interview with the Hennepin County Head Public Defender if you would like additional information.

        In my experince , many people who are visible minorities don’t carry large sums of cash or larger bill’s because:

        There is a much higher rate of scrutiny for counterfeit and subsequently the potential involvement of law enforcement. There are lots of couterfeit bills in circulation that the average person wouldn’t recognize.

        Carrying a large amount of cash when arrested is often argued in court as a demonstrated intent to pay for something illegal.

        The “unrepored seizure of funds/goods”.

        People who “look Latino” are deemed “safe’ to rob, because they will be too afraid of deportation to report the crime to the police.

        A visible minority using large bills in public can set off a racist rant. And racist rants always include a concern about possible escalation to physical violence.

        So in our house, I ( the model for a Karen meme photo) have always carried the $50 & $100 bills and the large sums of cash, instead of my partner who is a visible minority. But now that we know that the precipitating event of Mr. Floyd being killed was a $20 bill being questioned as counterfeit, that has changed to my partner not carrying anything larger than a $10 . Using $10 bills and smaller requires going to the bank drive up for cash as ATMs around here are usually just filled with $20 bills.

        I hope that I responded to everything.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Ok, the money thing makes more sense. But it lacked context in your original post. And $20 bills are the most common bill out there, I feel like small bills could potentially also get people going, because racists are gonna racist. But your partner should certainly do what he feels most comfortable with.

          Here’s the thing: I agree Ms Frazier deserves respect and credit, but when you’re talking about a widely known event, context is key. Using the name people know is helpful. Otherwise you end up confused. I mean no disrespect to anyone but George Floyd is the name people know, I would think just reading his name would not in and of itself be a trigger. You could also have more broadly spoken of the BLM protests or events in Minneapolis specifically.

          1. Deanna Troi*

            Yes, I googled “Ms. Frazier” and the first three pages had nothing to do with George Floyd’s murder, and I didn’t check any farther than that. I understand why the original commenter wants to recognize her and I think that it is an important thing to do, but without any context, there was no way to know who that was. It may not seem right, but her name has not been mentioned on any news source that I’ve seen. Perhaps if it had said “Darnella Frazier” instead of “Ms. Frazier” or mentioned her video of the events in Minneapolis, that might have helped those of us trying to google so we could figure out what this post was about. I also didn’t understand the connection between those events and the small bills without the additional details, but I completely agree now that more context has been provided.

            I DID, however, get the NASCAR reference the first time around, and thought it was hilarious!

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      By the way it took me a little while to see the connection with NASCAR, so for the benefit of overseas readers and readers of the archive some years from now, NASCAR banned the Confederate flag at its races.

    6. Altair*

      Weirdly, my life has not changed much but many of the people around me have been changing quite a bit. I’ve had more than one friend apologize to me for not really believing me about racism in the US before (which evokes a weird set of feelings, you can probably guess). Also, pleasantly, I have not lost a single friend this time. I lost friends over the racist response to Hurricane Katrina, to arguing over Trayvon Martin’s murder, to so many incidents going back to losing friends in high school over the LA riots. But this time all my friends have been true. It’s weird to cry for happiness, especially in the face of such horror, but this means a lot to me.

      Your husband is sensible in not carrying large bills. I’m sending him and you all safety and good fortune vibes.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Even other police stations have condemned what happened. I think most people feel that there’s no room for argument about what happened and what a horrible thing it was.

        However, I’ve seen a few strangers on facebook say some unpleasant things, but only a few, and then there are the people who are all “Why are you being political?” when various companies have posted supporting BLM (this isn’t just political; police officers can’t be allowed murder people).

  33. MissGirl*

    How do people deal with family member on the opposing side of politics? We’re having our first post-COVID party tomorrow. I just want to go, see my nieces and nephews, and get caught up. But I know my brothers will be harping on everything that’s going on. Engaging doesn’t work because one, they’re not changing their minds and don’t want to hear any other viewpoint. Two, they know I think differently and love to needle me, which I don’t want to do. I also don’t want to engage because it causes me a huge amount of anxiety, and I spend the next week having imaginary arguments with them and not sleeping.

    My plan is to go a little late, stay outside with the kids, and walkaway when they start up, which I know they’ll make fun of me for. I want to maintain the relationship so I can keep up with the kids and my parents. What’s funny is my dad is also on the extreme spectrum from me but it doesn’t affect our relationship at all.

    1. Disco Janet*

      See my post just below yours – I’ve definitely dealt with this recently! But honestly, I’m at the point now (after losing a close family member/friend over this stuff) where if I know I’m not in a place to engage with them about this stuff, then I would rather just stay away. Especially since I have kids – you don’t really want yours hearing the things they’re saying and seeing you not challenging them on it, do you?

      I’d set up a different time to visit with your parents.

        1. Disco Janet*

          Ah, I misread the part where you talked about the kids – sorry! Do you think your parents would be willing to talk to them beforehand and set a boundary there? Or would that just cause then to give you more grief?

    3. aarti*

      I’ve had arguments with family members about racism and homophobia stuff in the US (we’re non-black POC FWIW). I think your idea to hang out with the kids and be somewhere else is a good one. A few years ago, I was doing the same thing at a wedding and my nephew came over and talked to be about what it meant to be trans for like an hour. So sometimes be available to younger kids in a high-conflict family can be a good thing!

      Otherwise, I refuse to participate. If someone calls me a “feminist killjoy”, I calmly agree and either walk away or start talking to someone else, “Yep, that’s right. Aunt Maya, have you tried the cake?” Or if they say “You’re too scared to debate me,” I say, “Yep, that’s right. Uncle Fred, how are your hemorrhoids doing?” etc. etc.

      1. MissGirl*

        Thanks, I’m going to work on answers like these. I wish I could stop the arguing in my head, which amplifies my an anxiety.

        1. fposte*

          There are some Captain Awkward posts that touch on this. Mostly, though, I’d say let go of the impulse to convince and correct. They don’t have to officially accept your POV for it to be valid, and there’s actually a lot of power in the refusal to engage further. “I don’t agree with that, as you know. Hey, is little Kaitlin falling off of the roof over there?” You don’t even have to answer if they say something–you can look at them, smile, and go back to the salad.

          1. MissGirl*

            Thanks, I’ve want to let go of that impulse, especially since I know my one brother’s responses is based on misplaced severe anxiety. I just don’t know how. I was trying to distract myself from the internal argument by counting or repeating things but my therapist said denying it would make it worse. I think I have this huge need to prove I am right, which is so stupid and self-defeating when you want to build relationships.

            1. fposte*

              Oh, I so get that. I am the original “Someone is wrong on the internet” person. I fully endorse mental tricks where you redefine various outcomes other than agreement as proof of your rightness–that you don’t have to keep arguing and he does, for instance.

      2. aarti*

        I totally get that. What made it easier, is I told myself that I wouldn’t argue with family about the humanity of people of different races/sexualities. Thus I spent less time worrying beforehand about what arguments to make. So if they start in with me, I’ll refuse to participate and sometimes physically walk away.

        I created this policy about a decade ago and depending on things like my mental health, I stick by it to various degrees.

        A few years back, one cousin started with me about some racist nonsense and wouldn’t stop even though we were sitting down to dinner. I was fully prepared to leave the table when my grandma, hardly a progressive activist herself, told him to shut his mouth or she’d shut it for him.

        This is a marathon, not a sprint, and sometimes your allies end up being 85 year old ladies who also will complain that you wear your hair too short! Take care of yourself! If you’re up to it, maybe let us know next week how it went?

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t know if this will actually help you, but I’d recommend watching the latest One Day at a Time animated episode. It’s about exactly this thing.

    5. ThatGirl*

      I don’t mean to nitpick but if you are in the US COVID is not over. Even if cases are declining in your area, it’s not gone.

      But basically, take reasonable precautions, and protect yourself. You don’t have to agree to argue with anyone.

        1. Kiwi with laser beams*

          Or Vietnam, they’ve done the best that I know of. Taiwan’s another one that’s been mentioned in our media as a country we should strive to be like.

          I wouldn’t have pegged “post-covid” as a New Zealand term, we call it “Level 1” because even though we don’t have to distance right now, there are still restrictions in place (mainly at the border) that affect a lot of people in a lot of ways. And we all just got a big reminder of why we can’t act like there’s no more risk. (Not labouring the point with MissGirl, just sharing where we’re at over here.)

      2. MissGirl*

        I never said it was over. I am a data analyst in healthcare and I’m tracking the virus and its hot spots. I’m hoping for suggestions in working with family.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          I never said it was over.

          I think you can understand why people would think that’s what you were saying:

          We’re having our first post-COVID party

          Maybe it means something else I’m missing, though.

          1. MissGirl*

            I meant first post-COVID becoming a threat. We haven’t gathered in several months. I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of debating on the party itself. That’s not the issue, and I know people will have differing views on it. It’s twelve people outside.

        2. ThatGirl*

          You said “post-COVID” which implies it’s over. I get what you’re saying and I don’t blame you for seeing family, but I think it’s important to be clear.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              I thought it was a reasonable point (it’s valuable not to feed into the idea, even inadvertently, that this is behind us and it’s OK to return to normal). But it’s also been addressed and I think we can leave it here!

    6. Natalie*

      For whatever it’s worth, this sounds like it’s more about them being rude than it is about politics specifically. So I would think about what strategies will get you the behavior/boundaries you want and ignore the content.

      The ruminating is a different issue that you have to work on in yourself unfortunately. Ignore this if it doesn’t feel relevant, but I think it’s easy to fixate on changing a couple of stubborn people’s minds because we’re used to sparring with them, when that might not be the highest and best use of our political energy. So if arguing with your brothers has been your main form of political engagement, considering trying to get involved in other ways and dropping the rope of convincing them or even reminding them you don’t agree.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, it can be very hard to break out of these patterns with family members!

        Maybe it will help to see it as just the pattern, rather than the subject matter, as Natalie says here. If it wasn’t politics, they’d be messing with you over, I don’t know, barbecue sauce or elephants or Disney movies, something else you care about. The political stuff is just a tool they have picked up for irritating you.

        I think unfortunately a lot of people engage with politics in this way. They don’t really care or think deeply about their positions, they just like to stoke interpersonal conflict.

        1. MissGirl*

          Thanks for this. You’re right in that it would always be something. I am going to try to remember that. If it isn’t this, it would be something else. I am trying to focus on the parts I can do, and I’ve been more active in that regard. Maybe each time they say something about protestors, blue lives, etc., I’ll mentally plan to donate a dollar to the NAACP. I could fund an entire scholarship eventually and give it the family name. :)

    7. Anxious Cat Servant*

      I don’t know if my perspective helps since I’ve had to put my own family of origin into time-out and it sounds like that’s not an outcome you want.

      However, before that my strategy was to be clear on my boundaries and simply refuse to even start. I let them know that if a family member (usually my father) brought up politics I’d walk away. If he continued then I got in my car and drove away. All done in complete calmness and after a serene, “this is not enjoyable and I want an enjoyable time with you. If you continue to make it disagreeable then this visit is over.” There was some decided pushback and I was labeled a sensitive snowflake and there was complaints about having to walk on eggshells around me … but whatever. If they find it so difficult to not be bullies (and my father is decidedly a bully) then that’s their problem. The rest of the family tolerates the bully because they want family harmony. I simply made it clear that if they wanted to keep that family harmony then they needed to tell the bullies to shove it. And they did, at least for limited periods of time.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      I have 3 and different methods for each of them.

      1st: changes personality based on who she dates (and married a MAGA) and also just generally is the type that needs a cult to belong to – it’d have been MLMs, conspiracy theories, or the healing power of crystals if not this. We have a solid “don’t talk about it” policy, because she gets emotionally distraught when disagreed with.

      2nd: same age, disagrees, but doesn’t take offense when disagreed with. We discuss things occasionally – mainly fact-checking him when he’s forwards another fake news story, but he’s gotten much better about that.

      3rd: older. We generally just aren’t interested in discussing politics with each other. One of us might make an offhand comment and the other one will disagree and we’ll have like 5 min. talk about things and then change the subject.

    9. Grapey*

      “love to needle me, which I don’t want to do.”

      Needling you is not something that YOU are doing.

      From a societal POV, please engage them anyway. One thing the BLM movement has cemented is that racist loudmouths of the world need to be engaged with, not just eyerolls and “i can’t even”s and allowed to spew their crap. You might not change their minds but the kids will see the loudmouths aren’t the only ones that can say something. It should be anxiety provoking….many current topics are certainly life threatening to other populations that need solidarity.

      1. Natalie*

        Spending a ton of time and energy arguing with people that are essentially real life trolling isn’t doing anything for society. And as far as the kids go, it just implies that the humanity and rights of fellow human beings are something that is up for debate. You don’t need to cede the space to them, but making your position clear and drawing firm boundaries is far more effective.

      2. Melody Pond*

        From a societal POV, please engage them anyway.

        This is something I am really wrestling with, and was debating starting a separate post about it. Especially with Father’s Day falling on this weekend. My dad and stepmom do not believe that white privilege or unconscious racial bias are real things, and at this point I almost feel that I am complicit in injustice if I continue to not engage them on this.

        But, ugh, it’s complicated. They’re kind of the worst people I know, and they’re very unlikely to change (even with a very careful compassion-oriented approach).

        1. Taniwha Girl*

          I honestly don’t think it’s worth engaging with everyone on every topic.
          First of all, they occupy a different reality than you. There is no logic, no turn of phrase, no data points, no research, no books or think-pieces or magic wand you could use to convince them to change their minds. They are adults, they have come to the conclusions they have come to and you are not going to upturn their worldview and years of experience with one conversation. After all, nothing they could say to you could change your mind, could it?

          Second of all, we are all complicit in injustice whether or not we fight with our parents at Thanksgiving. Your parents could have voted for Obama 4 times and that doesn’t give you a “get out of systemic racism free” card.

          There are lots of ways we can fight injustice, and most of them don’t involve mixing family dynamics. I can’t find it now but there was a twitter thread about “would you argue with a flat earther? we don’t need you to waste your time and energy arguing with your racist uncle.” What else can you do to support the cause and live your values?

          So we have to change our goal from “changing hearts and minds in one conversation”. Maybe the goal can be “I won’t discuss politics with you” or “I won’t tolerate hateful speech” or “we only speak kindly about people.” Or whatever makes sense as a line you could draw. This also means you can use value statements in your defense–this can be very effective.

          “Have you seen the news? [Racist take on current events]”
          “I’m going to stop you right there. That’s not how I understand the issue, so let’s not get into it. What else is new with you?”

          “[Innocuous story that veers into gross biases]”
          “Aww Dad, that’s not a kind thing to say. You raised me to respect people regardless of the color of their skin. [Topic change].”

          “[Something something riots are bad]”
          “Well I think it’s great that in our country we have the freedom to protest if we want to. Speaking of freedom, have you seen Hamilton is coming to video?”

          And so on–very hard to argue with this, but you have to follow it yourself and not bait them or bring up topics you know will start $hit. And emotionally disengage from the result.

    10. Lucette Kensack*

      Honestly? I ended my relationships with my far-right family members.

      When all of their conversation became about the ways in which people not like them are ruining the world, it became not worth it to be in relationship with them. All the care about is punching down the ideas of folks they don’t agree with; it’s literally their only way of engaging. My life is much improved with them not in it.

    11. Out in the Wilderness*

      I don’t have any great advice for you, but I so, so sympathize. I struggle with this with my mother. We are on opposite ends of the political divide, and she has outright admitted that she enjoys “needling” me — or as she sometimes puts it, “yanking your chain.” She does not seem to understand that all she is doing with this is pushing me further and further away. And then she wonders why we don’t have a close relationship and why I don’t seem to want to spend time with her. (For context, I am nearly 50 years old and our politics began diverging when I was in my 20s)

      I’ll never understand this mindset.

      At any rate, I have at various times managed to successfully shut down political conversations with her, but I rarely am able to do so without losing my temper and yelling, which is not great. Your plan to hang with the kids sounds better. Others in the thread who have suggested calmly walking away from confrontations probably have the right idea, it is just something I’ve never been good at.

      Later today I need to call my dad for Fathers Day and I’m sure she’ll get on the phone as well and I’m absolutely dreading it. So sad that I dread talking to my parents these days.

      1. allathian*

        Sounds a mess, I’m sorry. I hope things went OK with your parents when you called.
        Next time your mom wonders why you don’t have a closer relationship, you might try saying outright that you don’t appreciate having your chain yanked and as long as she keeps doing it, she can forget about having a closer relationship with you.
        I’m in my late 40s as well and I have very low tolerance for behavior like that, but then, I’m fortunate in having a good relationship with my parents, sister and in-laws. I have a friend, though, who had a very troubled relationship with her parents growing up and into her 30s, until she cut off all contact with them. I heard quite a lot about what was going on in her life and I felt so helpless when I couldn’t do anything other than listen to her woes and sympathize with her. I’m very glad she’s in a much better place now. Going no contact is a drastic step, but some people don’t deserve anything else.
        With most of my extended family, we basically only exchange Christmas cards. I haven’t seen most of my aunts or uncles for about 5 years, the last time was at an aunt’s funeral. My dad’s on only child so I have no relatives closer than second cousins on his side of the family and I don’t keep in touch with any of them.

    12. winter*

      I can highly recommend the book When I say No I feel guilty for specific strategies. But off the top of my head.

      Fogging: Agree with part of the answer while not conceding anything. “You might be right” (mentally very heavy on the “might”). “I’m sure you think that way”

      or even more vague, going into non-committal noises:
      “That sure is an point of view/sentence.” “OK.” “Uhu.” “Right.”

      Agree with negative assertions (as somebody mentioned in the subthread): “Yes I don’t have any humor.” “I might be wrong about this.” “Yes I’ll never learn.”

      The key to pretty much all of them is to keep your tone non-committal, light, and while not exactly bored mildly absent-minded. You want the exact opposite of engagement or anger in your voice.

      Then change topic, address somebody else or leave the conversation physically.

      I CAN recommend rehearsing this with somebody or at least practicing the answers and the tone out loud.

      As you’re having issues with not getting drawn into these arguments, I also recommend choosing some possible talking points from past experience and going over which non-committal replies feel natural for them. Most effective would be to feed a trusted person some obnoxious scripts and rehearse not getting into it. If no one is available you could also make a one-sided script where you try to come up with replies spontaneously.

  34. Disco Janet*

    Apologies if this posts more than once – my phone did something weird as I was finishing up the first time.

    Has anyone else lost a friend due to current events? My cousin was my best friend growing up and we’ve stayed close, but there has been some distance since she started dating her partner five years ago – she has taken on some of his beliefs and attributes that I dislike. Now she hasn’t said a word about black lives matter or racism or equality in general, but she has plenty to say about how furious she is that more people aren’t supporting blue lives matter. And she keeps inviting people over because the pandemic is a conspiracy and it’s really just like the flu, apparently. I sent her a gentle message telling her that I disagreed with the things she’s been saying lately, said why, and asked if we could please talk about it – that this wasn’t like the her I grew up with and I didn’t want to lose our friendship. She didn’t respond and deleted me from social media.

    I think I’m feeling worse about it (though losing a close friend would always make me sad!) because my sadness about losing her is mixed in with my sadness and anxiety about the state of our country. Doesn’t help that I live in a conservative town.

    How do you balance your own mental health with the importance of current events? I want to just turn off the news for a bit and stay away from the internet (irony, yes), but I realize my ability to do so comes from a place of privilege. But I also know that I need to disengage from the debates in order to be the best mom to my kids, and so I can focus on planning my lessons for next year with my students – we have some great lessons in our literary textbook On Civil Disobedience, and that address racism, and I feel like focusing on that and the next generation is a better, less anxiety inducing, use of my time. But again…privilege. Trying to confront mine here.

    1. Ranon*

      Honestly, I keep my news consumption limited in source to journalists I can trust to report facts without running my emotions through the wringer and limited in quantity to the amount I can take before it causes me to take less action, rather than more.

      Never in history have we had as much constant access to as much news and data as we do now, there’s no compelling reason to me to try to absorb all of it. A daily papers’ worth is plenty. My time is much better spent getting enough and then working in groups with other people (virtually, sure, informally or formally) to, as Angela Davis says “change the things I cannot accept”

    2. MissGirl*

      I’m limiting my news to two sites that aren’t filled with opinion pieces (one my local news and the other AP news). I’m unfollowing some people’s posts because arguing online never changed anyone’s mind.

      I’m also focusing on what *I* am in a position to do. For instance, I’m a writer so I’m trying to buy and support own voices books and amplify their words. I’m also trying to figure out how to diversify my books but in the right way by asking and learning.

      I’m an advocate of the outdoors on Twitter, which has a diversity problem. I’ve started following and sharing different accounts. We have a primary election coming up and I’ve queried some of the candidates (no response) so I’m looking at what they’re saying.

      I’m also reminding myself the person I have the most influence over is me.

      1. LQ*

        I’m also in the focus on what I CAN do space. I could (and have) spent a tremendous amount of time consuming media to try to be aware. But what I can do is the thing that will matter most. And I will drift and be imperfect, but no amount of media consumption will cause me to be perfect. So I focus on a long term goal that maybe I can be a part of and I try to see my pieces, the places where I can help move things forward, the things I can change or do. And then I try, often unsuccessfully, to let the rest of it go, knowing that weighting myself down with the must know all the things feeling makes me worse and the actions I can take.

        That’s not true for everyone, and you need a way to consume some, though I’ve found that my current, fairly passive, method is ok for me. I don’t know all the things. But I wasn’t going to no matter what I did.

    3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I don’t look at news before breakfast, or last thing at night, and I avoid national-level US news sources: the bit of distance I get from looking at the CBC and sometimes the Guardian is useful. I supplement those with local news sources, including a blogger who finds relevant things on Twitter and the websites of two of the area NPR stations.

      I also figure that there’s very little that I need to know now instead of in two hours or even tomorrow, and those few things are more likely to pop up on my phone (storm warnings) or via a phone call from one of my relatives than on any news site.

      I haven’t lost any friends to current events, as far as I know; if someone quietly unfollowed me on social media, that’s their business, whether it’s because they think I’m a flaming radical or because we are in vigorous agreement but they don’t want anything political in their feed. Nobody has told me that they are unfollowing because they dislike my politics.

    4. Koala dreams*

      I don’t like the belief that sad things are more important than happy things and we need to keep up with whatever horrible news of the day to be good citizens. I’ve also had to cut out a lot of news for the sake of my health recently. A privilege? Yes, perhaps it’s a privilege to be able to do what’s best for your health. In that case, it’s a privilege everybody should be afforded. I don’t know how to solve the problems of the world, but getting sick from watching too much news is not a solution.

    5. Treebeardette*

      Social media is very polarizing and paints only one picture. (I have a lot of conservative friends who are upset about police brutality which the media would never show.) It’s okay to take a break from it and focus on other things. Staying on Facebook doesn’t change anything. Your lesson that addresses racism does make a difference. Being a good mother makes a difference.
      I too have lost a friend for being nonsense about the pandemic.
      I found on YouTube, ‘Noah Elfrief – How to deal with anxiety’ to be a helpful video. It’s almost like a guided meditation to sit with your feelings and ask questions that help you let go of things. It may not help with everything, but it’s worth a shot? I also like his video on depression. Please note it isn’t a cure all for everyone. It’s helped me a little though.

    6. Altair*

      I don’t have advice, just commiseration. I have lost friends and even a whole friends group once over politics (I don’t care what anyone says, the political is personal, and being someone’s Pet Black Person or Special Exception to All LGBTQ People Are Evil is not fun nor safe) and each time it was as painful as a romantic breakup. Maybe one piece of advice I can give you is to let yourself grieve if the relationship is truly broken, and to remembr that you aren’t wrong to be on the right side of history.

      Being able to disengage from the news is a privilege, and it’s sensible of you to recognize that, but I don’t think breaking your sanity on a news overdose will actually help anyone, and it will hurt you and those who depend on you. I think you can ethically take advantage of this privilege to protect yourself just like we who live with infrastructure enjoy our running water instead of foregoing it because many people don’t have it.

      Thank you for working on educating kids, btw. You’re making the world a better place.

    7. HannahS*

      Yep, over COVID stuff. In my case, I’m not really missing her; our friendship survived, frankly, because I did a lot of the work and tolerated a lot of poor treatment. Not every relationship is going to last forever; if the other person doesn’t want to work on it, then there’s not a ton you can do.

      I think part of advocacy involves prioritizing. Is convincing one person the best use of your time? Is knowing everything necessary for you to effectively advocate and teach? No amount of internet will make you perfect; making one imperfect call to your local politician is better.

      1. winter*

        Good points.

        Also I think sometimes we outgrow friendships/relationships and it takes us a while to realize that the other person hasn’t grown with us.
        Yes you were great friends when you were younger but then she decided to go into this direction and it seems to be not accidental if she’s not up for a discussion and unfollowing you.
        You are probably not able to preserve this friendship because she doesn’t want to.

  35. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Thanks to those who gave input about a foam mattress topper for my too-firm mattress. I ordered one and last night was the first night I slept with it. It seems a little warmer than without, but I was much more comfortable and able to sleep more naturally. I also didn’t wake up sore! The one I got is 2 inches, but that seems perfectly adequate for me.

    I can’t say I slept well, but that was because the new kitty Rosie Cotton came home yesterday, and last night was rough. She spent a decent chunk of the night crying in the other room. I’m going into battle now to administer medications. Two liquids, ear drops, and a powder mixed in with wet food. I have several scratches from her escape attempts last night, and I’m sure I’ll be picking up some more. Thankfully, there’s an end date on the meds, just need to do this for a couple days. She’s a very nice little kitty and I think that once she settles in and she and Arwen are introduced that she’ll do well. We just have to survive night times for a while. And if anyone has any tips on ear drops, I’ll take them.

    1. Dr. Anonymous*

      Wrap her whole cat-self in a towel, with just her face out, like a kitty burrito. This is hard, too, but you’re not trying to hold her ESR and get drops in and control her paws at the same time. I also used to put the kitty burrito on the floor and kneel down with her between my legs surrounding her so my lower body was doing most of the work or corralling the kitty.

      1. Word Prefect*

        Seconding the kitty burrito. Recently had to put a cat through a hardcore program of multiple antibiotics twice a day and this was by far the easiest way to deal with the situation. The cat is now fine and still speaks to me. :-) I found the best way to wrap the cat was to spread the towel over my front and lap, lean the cat back across my body and then swaddle it very firmly. And use a big towel for plenty of overlap otherwise your cat will sprout eight extra legs in its efforts to extricate itself. After that you can rest the cat sausage across your lap while you administer the medications.

        And, tbh, they look remarkably cute when swaddled. Pissed off, but cute. Good luck.

      2. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Yep, have been doing the purrito. It helps. Luckily, I have a 2nd person to help hold her for ear drops, and only have meds today and tomorrow. Thank goodness!

  36. Teapot Translator*

    What are some ways (healthy or not) that you have ended friendships?
    I don’t have the greatest track record with ending friendships, so I’d like to know how other people do it so I can learn over time.
    I know ghosting is hurtful for the other person, but I also don’t think talking about why one wants to end the friendship is all that better or productive.
    For example, years and years ago, I realized that I just didn’t share the same values as a childhood friend. There was no point in debating our values. I know how it goes (I’ll point out it’s hurtful to people; they’ll point out that I’m being hurtful by telling them that it’s hurtful). So I just slowly faded away (this was before social media and mobile phones).

    1. Anonymous because reasons*

      I have just kind of faded out. She did it too I think. I don’t even really know who started it first, but we just made contact between us less and less until it petered out.
      I rang her months ago because I guess I just wanted to see how things were, and although she was perfectly polite there was no doubt in my mind that the friendship was over! There was a lot of relief and some pain to that, but I’m glad it’s over.
      Captain Awkward has articles on her blog about this kind of thing.
      The purple plant of friendship or something?

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t think I’ve had any explosive friendship breakups. Almost all of my ended friendships have been due to ghosting. We just lost touch. Usually it’s people who are out-of-sight-out-of-mind just not putting in the effort.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      So, I’m the kind of person that never lets people go, I get attached easily, and I put a lot of energy into maintaining friendships. so if I cut someone out, it’s a big deal for me IMO. 

      With that said, I had a friend I was talking to on an almost daily basis. A lot of our conversations revolved around career, friends and family etc. I was trying to get a job in my desired career, she was a VP in that field, and would constantly advise me to go into teaching or working in a daycare (completely different career path). I had no interest in either of those. 

      So, one day I was studying for an exam to get licensed that would help me in my career. I remarked that it’s such challenging subject matter but I’m enjoying it. She said that if I find it too difficult, it’s not the right career path for me and brought up working in a daycare again. I told her I was sick of her constantly advising me to go into a low-paying minimum wage job [my understanding ist hat daycare workers make minimum wage]/it was disrespectful to teachers and their profession to advise someone to go into it just because they can’t get a job. At that point in my life I was tired of being told to take the easy path and not work hard for anything.  

      She said something along the lines of stay mad and that was the last exchange that we had. 

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Yikes – looks like she was threatened by you. Good thing you let her go.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Heh I can’t imagine why — she was in hedge funds, pretty high up and making $$$$$. I’m in tax. Really very little overlap, she was 5 years older than me but had 20 years experience. She’d had an interest in this since HS, but I had a very little interest in any career path until I was about 26 (eek). I had a “late” start in life.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Some friends can’t grow with us. If we move, they still see us as we were, not as we are currently.

        I am not sure why your friend was so stuck in time regarding your friendship, but she was.

        I hope you smile knowingly: my wise friend used to say be aware of people who tell you “no, you can’t!”. Watch out for those people, my friend said.
        I have found this to be true. These people cannot not help us through our progression.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      To add to my last comment, I think that was the last time I actually ended a friendship (or maybe it was mutual).

      Otherwise, there were people I were close to where we drifted apart, mostly classmates and coworkers. There was one coworker I was really good friends with. After he left the company, he went strict NC and I was crushed. We reconnected at the beginning of quarantine (over the phone!) and while it’s not at that same level as it was when we worked together, it’s nice to be in touch again. 

      IMO ghosting is when one party thinks things are going great or have no reason to think otherwise, and the other suddenly stops contact. I used to think cutting someone out was cruel, and while I can never do it myself…after reading this blog for a few years now I can totally understand why some people do that.

    6. Ronda*

      if you are both not contacting each other…. just let it drop off.

      But if they are contacting you and you dont want to see them, it is probably best to tell them. You can also say you dont want to discuss the “breakup” and give only whatever level of reason you want to give them.
      Breakups are not great fun for people, but it is a little nicer to not leave people hanging.

    7. lazy intellectual*

      I don’t have the courage to end friendships myself. I’ve had friends end friendships with me. It hurts at first, but I realize over time that it was probably for the better – we were both outgrowing each other and it freed me to make friends more suitable for me at the time. I’m currently considering “downgrading” a friend. So not necessarily ending the friendship completely, but no longer hanging out with her one-on-one or confiding in her as frequently. Basically, just stick to group outings and such.

    8. Alex*

      I’m not sure I’ve ever “healthily” ended a friendship. But I’ve definitely ended them.

      In most cases, I just…start declining invitations. Once you decline enough invitations, you pretty much stop getting them. I never “ghosted” in the sense that I suddenly didn’t respond to messages, but rather, stopped putting in effort and making time for that person, which ended up in eventually them not putting in time either, and so the friendship was basically over.

      In a couple of cases, I let things get tense until the other person blew up at me and then we just kind of never spoke again. Probably wasn’t the most mature thing to do–I would pull back, they would feel hurt, get resentful, and then blow up. In these cases I think I just knew that the person had a temper and I didn’t want to deal, and in most cases like this, I’d tried to tell the person that they’d done something to upset me, only to have them not care or belittle me for feeling that way, and so I pulled back from them. But I didn’t explicitly say “this is why I’m ending the friendship.”

      I wish I could say I had a good “break up” with a friend but honestly I’m not sure what that would look like. Would a rundown of why I dislike spending time with them be less hurtful? It probably would have been better to end friendships where someone was hurting me by telling them I was leaving because they were hurting me, but in a couple of cases I was living with the person and so that was complicated.

    9. you've got mail*

      well just recently someone ended a friendship with me via a very long email detailing everything I’ve apparently done wrong in the friendship over the years…so being on the receiving end I can’t say I’d recommend email as the way to go

    10. Ducksgoquack*

      When I ended a close friendship recently I decided against explaining to her why. She would likely respond with rage and denial so any explanation would have only added distress. Of course ghosting is not ideal but sometimes it’s the least painful option.

    11. The Other Dawn*

      I once ended a friendship. It was 1999 and I’d been friends with her for years. We were friends for a couple years in grades 1 through 3, I believe. She then moved across town and went to a different school, so we lost touch. We met up again in high school and became good friends.

      I eventually came to know that she had depression and anxiety, was seeing a therapist for it and was on meds. At one point, maybe sophomore year, her parents divorced. That’s when I started to see glimpses of what she’d become several years later, and is why I ended the friendship: everything bad that happened or good that didn’t happen was blamed on her parents’ divorce, “men are scum,” etc. Nothing was her fault. Eventually she got a job at the same store as me and things were fine for awhile. Then she quit school. Then she quit her job, got pregnant, and moved in with her boyfriend at his parents’ house. She had the baby and they eventually broke up. She moved back to mom’s house. She didn’t go back to working. She just sat around the house, blaming everything, especially her father, and everyone else for her life. She constantly bashed men in front of her son.

      In 1999 it became obvious to me that I needed to end the friendship for my own sanity. I couldn’t take two hour phone calls where all she did was man-bash and take zero responsibility for anything in her life. She wasn’t willing to do anything to help herself at all, and her mental health issues were constantly used as an excuse as to why she couldn’t do something, or X happened to her, etc. Also, by that point we didn’t have anything in common anymore. She never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. She had no interest in anything going on with me. I know mental illness makes all those things harder, but she did zero to help herself. I have other friends with the same issues and none of them use it as an excuse to get out of taking responsibility.

      So, I wrote her a letter. I considered calling, but knew she’d argue with me and deny anything was her fault. I tried fading out, but no matter how long I went with no contact, she’d eventually pop in again. I explained all the reasons why I didn’t want to be friends anymore and wished her well. It was such a massive relief. I didn’t realize how much she was draining me mentally until I broke ties with her. I never got a call or anything from her. Years later she wrote to me on social media and explained how hurt she was, that she cried when she got the letter. But what stuck in my mind is she never reached out, so I took it as she was fine with the friendship being over.

      A few years ago she tried to friend me on Facebook. While I miss the great talks we used to have, I knew what I’d be getting myself into again and I deleted the request. (I’ve kept in touch with a mutual friend and she said my ex-friend is no different than she was years ago: still blaming everyone else, her now-teenage son is in therapy and has been for many years, doesn’t do anything to help herself.)

    12. allathian*

      We moved around a lot when I was a kid, so my childhood friendships ended naturally because we just didn’t see each other anymore. I sometimes envy my husband who’s still friends with a guy he met in daycare when he was three years old, so they’ve been friends for 40+ years.
      There was one friend I broke up with when she’d call me in the middle of the night, drunk. She was very much a poor little rich girl who’d rage quit her jobs at the slightest provocation because she’s from a wealthy family and she’ll never need to work. She just needed someone to vent to, drunk or sober, and I was that person for a while. But when I was facing some challenges in my personal life, she was never there for me so I just stopped being friends with her. This happened when she had a cellphone and I didn’t, and I didn’t even have caller-ID. When I had enough, I called her one day when she was sober and told her that I didn’t appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night and to delete my contact info from her cellphone so she wouldn’t call me when she was drunk again and that from then on, I’d unplug my phone at night just to make sure.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        This actually reminds me that I DID end a long-distance friendship for similar reasons. Basically whenever we would chat online, it was always about her – her problems, her relationships, etc. etc. Whenever I would share anything about herself, she would maybe respond with one line and immediate revert it back to herself. It didn’t help that a lot of her problems involved her causing a lot of negative drama with people in her life.

        I finally decided she was super toxic and that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. It was really easy to end – all I had to do was stop logging in online. I would get some messages like “Where have you been lately???” and I would just respond like, “Sorry been super busy!” This was when we were in college so it was really easy to blame a heavy course load and busy social life.

    13. LifeOrDeath*

      I ended my friendship with my best friend after she made some not so supportive comments via email in response to me asking for mental support after a rough day at work. Short version is that I was, by her account, showing signs of being very codependent. I was 8 months out from donating a kidney and 5 months losing a loved one very dear to me. I did answer her e-mail with a curt response and have never spoken to her since. The thing is I had a feeling this day would come. She got weirded out when I got married and had kids. When the donation was imminent she got even weirder and st one point tried to invite herself along to the surgery, for support I did not ask for seeing as the surgery would take place in another country and my parents had priority. She then demanded that I call her as soon as I woke up (did not do that). Her behavior felt intrusive to me in the whole process. He behavior towards others had been in my mind questionable for quite some time. Good example was when she still lived with her ex-girlfriend after the breakup, she would bring home other girls and sleep with them with the ex heartbroken in the next room. I ended my friendship with my best friend after she made some not so supportive comments via email in response to me asking for mental support after a rough day at work. Short version is that I was, by her account, showing signs of being very codependent and that the last time we went out together I didn’t pay her enough attention. I had the flu, was running a fever at that time, I was 8 months out from donating a kidney and 5 months losing a loved one very dear to me. I did answer her e-mail with a curt response and have never spoken to her since. The thing is I had a feeling this day would come. She got weirded out when I got married and had kids. When the donation was imminent she got even weirder and st one point tried to invite herself along to the surgery, for support I did not ask for seeing as the surgery would take place in another country and my parents had priority. She then demanded that I call her as soon as I woke up (did not do that). Her behavior felt intrusive to me in the whole process. He behavior towards others had been in my mind questionable for quite some time. She had fx brought home girls to sleep with before her ex-girlfriend had had the chance to move out. I reached out and talked to the ex-girlfriend about this on my own accord seeing as this was sooo cruel.
      My take from all of this is that you should not take criticism from some one who you would not take advice from.

    14. Teapot Translator*

      Thanks to everyone who’s answered! I read and re-read your comments and I’m thinking about them and how it relates to my old friendships.

    15. anon4this1*

      When I was having a hard time (recovering from an eating disorder) I had a large group of friends and in the span of a month I lost almost all of them. We used to hang out every day and then when I got better (a year into recovering) they all stopped answering my emails and texts. I have no idea if its because I got to be too much (I was very hard to be friends with as I cried every time I ate and basically had to eat every two to three hours and I also had a one track mind as all the was going on in my life was recovering). I likely wasn’t a good friend since I was so focused on food and following my meal plan. I wasn’t sure if I lost everyone because I was too much to deal with or if it was because I was at a point where I was better and no longer needed to be with a person basically 24/7. I have to say I greatly appreciate that they didn’t tell me why or tell me that I was too hard to be friends with (or whatever the actual reason was – who knows maybe they all just got busier at the same time?)

      Most friends I’ve ended friendships with was because of moving, my area has a lot of navy people.

      My worst friend ending was this girl I was friends with in college. Our moms were friends and we didn’t have anything in common. She kept asking me to hang out but when we did I felt bored and anxious but couldn’t figure out why so eventually I started declining invitations. Seven months after the last time she invited me somewhere, she sent me an email saying that I hurt her feelings but basically just saying I was too busy to hang out. I don’t know if that was the right way to handle it on my end but I didn’t know how to tell her that I was just not really her friend and only hanging out w her because our moms were friends so we kept running into each other and she would ask me to hang out. I always felt bad about it and apologized a year later but luckily we didn’t go back to being friends.

      1. allathian*

        I don’t think you were ever friends with your mom’s friend’s daughter. You just hung out because your moms hung out, as you said. The other girl probably had different expectations and thought you were her friend, so she was disappointed when you kept declining her invitations. She probably realized later that you didn’t have all that much in common, and maybe your apology gave her some closure.

        I’m lucky in that my son likes to hang out with my best friend’s son, although it’s possible that may change when they get a bit older (my son’s 11, my friend’s son is a year older).

        Something slightly similar happened to me in my teens. When I was in high school, a guy in my class was my former elementary school teacher’s nephew. My ES teacher was also married to one of my dad’s coworkers, so we’d occasionally run into her socially even after I’d gone to HS. It was very awkward for me sometimes, when she asked me about how her nephew was doing. I was an awkward teenager and it felt like she was trying to set me up with her nephew or something, and he was nice enough but not at all my type (and I’m sure he wasn’t the least bit interested in me either). I may have read too much into it and she may have only been trying to make conversation, but it was soooo awkward!

        1. anon4this1*

          Yes I never viewed us as friends but the problem I guess was she viewed us as friends so it was hard to cut off if that makes sense. Like we hung out multiples times w o our parents because when we ran into each other she would ask to hang out and for like a year I would say okay hoping that it would be fun or we would end up as friends. Now being older I would have handled it differently but I was 18 to 19 at the time.

          The nephew thing does sound awkward!

  37. Anonymous Educator*

    Just saw Giri/Haji (so good!) on Netflix, but I really had to browse around to find it. It wasn’t advertised to me. Anyone have Netflix recommendations that aren’t the top 10 things they always keep advertising all the time and that everyone keeps talking about?

    1. Anonymous because reasons*

      That rooftop scene <3
      I don't know if the recommendations are different according to the country you're in. Giri/Haji was on the BBC not Netflix here in the UK.
      Anyway, I've watched and really enjoyed Reckoning on Netflix lately. I only recognised Sam Tramell in it, maybe it’s a bit of an indie series? But that was good if you haven’t seen it.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Thanks for the rec. No, that didn’t pop in the recommendations. I’m kind of annoyed Netflix just keeps recommending the same things over and over again. I mean, if I scroll by it 20 times and don’t watch it, maybe suggest something else to me? Thanks again. I’ll check out Reckoning.

    2. ChatNoir*

      Just looked this up since you mentioned it, and now it’s on my list — thanks! Just finished Bosch, so was hoping for something my husband I would both like.

    4. WellRed*

      I am probably going to have to drop Netflix and Acorn (Definitely Acorn) and I’ve barely watched Hulu since signing up a few months ago. I dropped Amazon/BritBox in favor of Acorn. Sigh.
      last night, I finally settled on watching the movie Couples Retreat on regular old cable.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      I’ve already seen Jiro, but I’ve added Kingdom and Money Heist to my queue. Thanks!

    8. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I wish Netflix had an option to dismiss stuff. Like ah yes I can see why you’re suggesting this film starring two actors I watch a lot, but it’s a horror film and I don’t do jump scares.

      And stop telling me to continue watching that series I tried but hated.

      I love Netflix in general, but the absence of a “stop suggesting this” button is infuriating.

    9. netflix*

      I am enjoying Midnight Diner, it’s a Japanese series that takes place in a diner. There are subtitles (I don’t understand Japanese) but it’s vignettes about the people going to this diner.

      Totally agree that it would be great if there was a stop recommending this button.

      1. Syls*

        I loved Midnight Diner! I would really love to see a selection of episodes turned into an arena theater production. If well done, it could be a really fun experience that could easily be made safe (outside) to go to.

    10. Pharmgirl*

      I’ve just rewatched Sense8 – if you haven’t seen it, would highly recommend!

  38. Seeking Second Childhood*

    I’m still hoping to find a pre-made solution for bookshelves over baseboard heating. Does anyone know of someone who *sells* a base that provides air-flow to the shelf on top of it? Or a bookshelf where the legs are not flush against the back wall? I’d rather not attach them to the walls.
    Ladder shelves aren’t dense enough for the three booklovers who live in this house, and I have enough DIY projects on the list that I don’t want to try making something now.

    1. Llellayena*

      Yeah…I ended up designing and building an entire set of shelves to custom fit over my baseboard heater. I suppose you could just build the base and put bought shelves on top. I know you’re not looking for a project, but a cut-to-size piece of 3/4” ply with store-bought legs and a ledger board screwed to the wall is fairly small on the project scale.

      1. Llellayena*

        I missed the “don’t want to attach to the wall” qualification, but I don’t think you’ll entirely avoid that, physics is against you. But if it’s just the ledger board, the holes are low and easily dealt with later. The shelf above does not need to be attached to the wall as long as the base is level or slightly tilted toward the wall.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          It’s not aesthetics actually. We have reason to distrust the stability of some work the former owners did, so I’m not attaching more than than earthquake straps (I’m not in EQ country, but I do have a herd of elephants in the house a rambunctious family. )
          I’m also hoping to leave the underneath open to the room, rather than behind screening, because I want to be able to clean out allergens.

          1. Llellayena*

            Well, like I said, physics is against you if you need to offset the legs forward enough to clear the heater. Unless the wall literally moves when you lean on it, attaching a ledger board by screws directly into the studs should be stable, no matter how bad the previous owner’s home improvement skills were. Good luck.

    2. fposte*

      I don’t know what level of aesthetics is desired here, but there are adjustable wooden bookshelves that allow even the height of the bottom shelf to be adjusted. I don’t know if Ikea’s Ivar shelves have that flexibility on the bottom shelf, but that’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. You could also go metal–industrial shelving is usually stout enough to allow for more flexibility.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I have a lot of Ivar actually, and it’s totally not stable against baseboard heating units. Because there are two or three inches between the supports (and shelf edge) and the wall.
        I may add legs mid-century modern style, with an extra piece of wood to support the shelving unit so I can have the legs in the middle.

        1. fposte*

          Ah, I was thinking a vent in a baseboard rather than a unit that protrudes from the wall; I’m guessing also from the way you talk that the vent runs along the whole wall, so you can’t just put the bookshelf in around it. If so, I don’t know if you can get what you want–the kind of shelving that’s reliably stable at height with that kind of offset from the wall would have to be very big (in the footprint sense), very heavy, and very rigid. I have metal shelves like that in my basement but they wouldn’t make great bookshelves.

    3. Reba*

      Heat + book binding glue doesn’t seem like a great recipe for longevity. I wonder if some DIY insulation of the bookcase, or directing airflow in some way, should be part of this plan.

      West Elm has a line called “Mid century storage” in which the cabinets and shelves sit on these little feet that are inset from the perimeter of the cases. It seems like that would allow room for the baseboard and still reach the wall in the back.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yes, this is one of the complications that make me hope some company somewhere has a commercial product. I would have to learn new skills to do this–the woodworking is not a problem, but an insulation layer and a metal layer to guide the air and dissipate heat? Not a clue.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’ve seen bookshelves that are basically vertical posts between floor and ceiling, kind of like those shower storage poles, that you then attach shelves to. A bit industrial but maybe something like that could work?

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Thanks, I’ll look into that for the home office/guest room. The most dire need is the LR, though, which has a very high,
        sloped ceiling and roofline windows. (Hello 1959!)

  39. hermit crab*

    I’ve been thinking a lot about (my) identity lately. And I want to preface this by saying I know that the ability to consider these question reflects deep and unearned privilege. But I’m curious to hear others’ thoughts.

    I have three grandparents of European descent (mostly Ashkenazi Jewish) and one who’s a person of color. But I grew up steeped in professional-class American white culture – as did my grandparent, once he emigrated to the U.S. in his early adulthood. I look white, have a name that is common among white people, and don’t identify as a person of color. But I’ve always struggled with filling out census forms, employer disclosures, etc. I do NOT want to make my mostly-white employer feel better about their diversity statistics, for example. But that feels like erasing my beloved grandparent’s heritage.

    Similarly, I’m a straight woman. I’m maybe like a 1 on the Kinsey scale. But my wife is a trans woman (who transitioned after we got together). So I don’t identify as queer and don’t feel like queer spaces are for me. But at the same time, I’m a woman married to another woman, and there are people in my life who don’t know my wife is trans and (presumably) assume I’m queer.

    There are lots of other shades of this, and I bet nearly all of us have experienced these questions to some degree. (A less-consequential one: I studied science and use it in my job, but I don’t “do” science. Am I a scientist?)

    Who else is thinking about these questions? I mean, like, how do you decide who you are? Is that even an important thing to think about?? Beyond the practical concerns (how do I fill out forms? how should I feel about accompanying my wife in queer spaces?) is it problematic that I *want* a category to put myself in? I go back and forth between “this obsession with categorization is textbook white-dominant culture, spend your time on something good for others instead” and “pondering your place in the world is an essential human trait.”

    1. Nnaanamus*

      Are you comfortable with who YOU are sans labels? No one can tell you how to feel, but I’d think accompanying you wife in any space would be an extension of love and support. I’m assuming you aren’t being asked to defend who you are, how you define yourself, your sexual and professional identity. So this is a personal exercise. Maybe try some journaling to allow yourself the opportunity to explore these questions and how they make your feel.

      As for box checking, I go with what I feel is me and not what others might think. I was raised in an ethnic minority house (1 grandparent), eating the food, listening to the music, imported tv shows, e.t.c. I can certainly “pass” for white but it feels disingenuous to who I am. I am OnLy 1/4 oThEr, but it’s a huge piece of who I feel I am.

      I have a friend who is 1/2 Puerto Rican and totally erases that part of herself. Her kids are 1/2 mexican and she’s erased that too. She doesn’t want to be ethnic, she is “white.” Perhaps because no one in her family celebrates those pieces she doesn’t connect with them and just embraces the white American non-culture? I can’t say.

      1. hermit crab*

        Thank you for sharing – you’re right, this is a personal exercise. Part of it is that I would *like* to feel more connected to a community but I kinda feel like a poser since (for example) I didn’t grow up really experiencing my grandparent’s culture. In a way, I want to undo some of the erasure that happened during my parents’ generation, but I’m unsure of how to do that in an appropriate and respectful way.

    2. Asenath*

      I felt much more comfortable when I stopped labeling myself and putting myself in little boxes. I can’t stop other people from putting me, or bits of me, in mental boxes; it’s human nature to generalize and look for commonalities, but I don’t let it bother me. I know who I am and where I came from without needing to attach the appropriate label regarding gender, ancestry, age etc etc etc. I ignore boxes on forms or put in whatever seems closest at the time if I absolutely must complete them.

      But it seems you do find comfort in the boxes – nothing wrong with that; many people do. As for figuring out which ones you’re most comfortable in, try them out and see which ones fit.

    3. Reba*

      I think this is probably due to my social and professional circles being arty, but soooo many people I know and work with are what we call “multi-hyphenate.” So that has shaped my thinking and sense of this stuff. I do think of myself as a visual artist — trained in this, only make stuff a few times a year now, though. I do think of myself as a musician — again, something I did when I was younger, even though it is just a hobby now. Like, there is no test you have to pass in order to qualify on these things.

      Is anyone or anything being harmed if you call yourself a scientist?

      Would you say you are in a queer marriage? I know that queer is not simply an umbrella term. But (at least in the ways I hear and see it used the most often) is that it is exactly about NOT fitting into neatly-defined categories.

      I have a professional acquaintance who has said she thinks of her identity as a Venn diagram. Sometimes she inhabits different zones of the diagram more than others.

    4. Elizabeth Bennett*

      Hi there! Your question is such a deep and important one one. Pondering our place in the world is essential, and understanding who we are is important in anti-oppression work. Our identities are so complex. I just read a book for a class I’m taking called Beyond Inclusion, Beyond Empowerment by Leticia Nieto that gets into a number of your questions, particularly the matrix of identity and how it is affected by the dominant culture. I didn’t include a link, as it might get stuck in moderation, but if you google the title you’ll find the author’s website.

      1. hermit crab*

        Thank you! That sounds like exactly the kind of thing that would be helpful for me.

    5. Felicia Hannigan*

      I find comfort in labels. But I’m mentally ill and use labels as a way to solidify both who I am and the space I take up in the world so maybe that means it’s problematic? I don’t know. One of my friends likes to mention that quote, which I may butcher, ‘what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly’; what works for one person won’t always work for another, take what helps and discard the rest.

      I’d been struggling with one of my labels of choice recently (being pan) and recently reaffirmed it. I live in a woefully undiverse area, without much exposure to the larger LGBTQ+ community, and kept asking myself if maybe I was just bi and calling myself pan to be fancy. I lucked into finding a really welcoming online community (on TikTok, of all places; that place is a wonder) and realised that, nope, pan is the right label. Feeling that certainty settle back into my soul has helped me feel a bit more comfortable in my skin.

    6. Solar Moose*

      Honestly, I think our current obsession with identity is overrated. There is a degree to which it is useful, and there’s a degree to which it becomes a navel-gazing astrology replacement.

      Instead, I invite you to focus on what you want to do with your time here on Earth, and what would best help you do it.

      If being in LGBT spaces isn’t going to improve your wellbeing – regardless of identity – then it doesn’t make sense to spend much time there. If it will improve your wellbeing, then by all means go – the wife of a trans woman should be welcome, regardless of identity. (If not, they are doing things very badly.)

    7. LGC*

      Those are pretty hard questions. And I think…

      1) you’re a bit off-base with categorization being White Culture per se. People everywhere categorize themselves and have categorized themselves. I personally don’t think the categories are the problem – it’s the baggage associated with them (and that this baggage should be distinct from the category).

      2) like, I don’t think that categorization is this solid thing that, once you make a decision, you are That Thing for eternity. I mean, I’ve identified as straight, bisexual, and (currently) gay in my life.

      3) also, one thing I’ve seen a lot of (especially from progressive cisgender White women) is that if they contemplate their own existence instead of beating themselves up with White Guilt, then they’re BAD White people. And…like, you also get to consider your place in the world! Just because you have privilege and the US is littered with monuments to White cultural dominance doesn’t mean that you also don’t get to think about how you fit in with the world. (In fact, I would argue that it just makes it that much more important. It feels like a lot of White people…just don’t think about what it means to be White, and straight people don’t think about what it means to be straight, and cisgender people think about what it means to be cis, and men don’t think about what it means to be a man…and if we took the time to think about that, things might be less of a trash fire.)

      Okay, now that I’ve told you that you’re White-ing wrong and straight-ing wrong: honestly, it goes by feel in a lot of cases! You have the privilege of not having labels with cultural baggage imposed on you by society (except for arguably the queer label – it’s pretty hard for a lot of people to consider that a woman married to another woman is not queer). You’ve already acknowledged this. You can also consider…whether to apply those labels to yourself! It’s not dishonoring your grandparent to identify as White, I don’t think – if that’s what you feel like you are. (To be honest, there are probably a bunch of White people who secretly have Black ancestors who passed as White – but that’s another story.) But if you choose to identify as mixed-race, I don’t think it’d be all that deceitful either. If you only feel attraction to men regularly, but you’re married to a trans woman (especially if she went through transition when she was married to you), you still get to consider yourself as straight.

      For what it’s worth, I’ve considered my own Blackness a lot – first, that I don’t think I act like the stereotypical Black man, that my parents moved out to a very White town and almost all of my friends are White, and whether I’m authentic enough. I haven’t considered my gender that much, but maybe I should – like, being a cis man isn’t an issue that I’ve had to think of, and while I’m vaguely aware of the privileges afforded from being a cis man, I should think about them more.

      1. hermit crab*

        So many thoughtful observations here, thank you! You are, of course, spot on describing the Progressive White Woman Guilt Complex – I work at a big, predominantly white nonprofit, where there’s a lot of talk about “communities” and “cultural heritage” like they’re things privileged white Americans don’t have. That’s not true, obviously, and like you point out it’s probably pretty damaging.

      2. Taniwha Girl*

        What a great comment.

        And white straight men do contemplate themselves all the damn time– Catcher in the Rye and so on. We just don’t consider it in the same theoretical framework.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      “how do you decide who you are?”
      You have been deciding who you are right along. Trust that there is continuity in your choices. And that continuity, that common thread is YOU, it’s you doing life here on this planet.

      “Is that even an important thing to think about??”
      Well sure it is! This is how you sort out what to keep and what to chuck.

      My wise friend gave an example. “Given New Situation X, and you have to chose between a, b and c, how do you decide which option to chose because it can get super distracting in a new setting. Too much to sort.”
      He answer was you take each of a, b and c and try to find parallels in your life where you have experienced what happens when you choose each one of them. For example, think of a time when you made a choice similar to choice a. How did that go? What did you like, what did you dislike? Go through each option this way to help yourself to decide what to do in your current and unfamiliar setting.
      Looking back can help you make even stronger choices in the future.

      “Beyond the practical concerns (how do I fill out forms? how should I feel about accompanying my wife in queer spaces?) is it problematic that I *want* a category to put myself in? ”

      How should i feel– that phrase bothers me. No one has a written law saying anyone has to feel a certain way about anything. So you should feel your own feelings. That’s it. By trying to figure out what you “should feel” your are cutting off your own access to how you DO feel. It’s okay to cut the point here. Just figure out how you DO feel.

      You want a category to put yourself in- so you will know how to feel???? yikes I hope not. Please, just do you instead. Don’t look at your category to decide what your feelings “should be”.

      “this obsession with categorization is textbook white-dominant culture, spend your time on something good for others instead” and “pondering your place in the world is an essential human trait.”

      Please just accept the fact that it’s a basic human need to know we each have made a contribution on this earth. It’s a need on the level with water and food. What to see the life go out of a person? Tell them they cannot make a contribution to anyone, EVER. They will wither away at their very core.
      And yes, pondering our place is what we are supposed to do. It’s necessary for our survival and it’s a quality of life question.
      This last question here is a very special way of torturing yourself. It is not an either/or thing.
      Go out do good for others then come home and ponder your place on this planet. Do both.

      I will say, that for me my self-identity grew the most when I had to go out and do things. If I sat too much and thought, my thoughts either went in useless circles or spawn dozens of equally useless generations of digressions. I was much better off just going out and doing something.

      Start small. Focusing on the “CAN do” side of your thinking, what would you like to do tomorrow?

    9. RagingADHD*

      I think the whole idea of identity as something you label yourself with is a bit odd. Most of the things people use as identity markers are stuff that happens to them.

      And some of those things change during the course of your life – like your situation with your wife.

      So to me these type of labels are less about who we are inside, and more a descriptor of how things are with us on the outside, for the time being. They’re significant, of course, because we navigate the world through them.

      But your self is something different, something that isn’t altered by external circumstances – or even by changes or developments in your own feelings.

      So my question to you would be, regardless of labels, are you happy in yourself? That’s the thing that gives you peace with these other uncertainties.

  40. Ali G*

    I have two house plant questions:
    1. Has anyone successfully propagated a fiddle leaf fig? I have 2 that are really spndly and lost leaves on the bottom. I read that I can cut the stem off a repot it. Anyone have experience with this? I don’t want to kill them inadvertently! But they aren’t very attractive right now either.

    2. I impulse bought a clover plant on sale after St Patrick’s Day. I read it’s supposed to go dormant over the summer. It’s looking like it wants to go, but every time I water it, it perks back up. I know I am supposed to keep watering to a minimum when it’s dormant, but how about before? Am I preventing it from going dormant if I am watering it?

    Thanks!!

    1. Venus*

      2. Oxalis? Mine were always dormant in winter, same with all other bulb plants. I would water it, but would water much less often. Dormancy in my case was many of the leaves dying but it still kept going with fewer leaves. Oxalis doesn’t have to go dormant, so don’t force it.

    2. i heart salt*

      A lot of these houseplants that are supposed to go dormant are now bred to go all year. I have a cyclamen that just won’t quit either.
      I have put my shamrock under my desk, on my tower & didn’t water it for a few weeks. Brought it back out & it rebounded instantly. There’s a bench full of them at our local Irish pub & they are all huge, in bloom & happy! You could try forcing it into dormancy or you could just keep watering it.

    3. Seifer*

      You can cut the top off and stick it in water and then continue to water the stem that’s still in the pot. I’ve done that to three or four of my FLFs and they’re totally fine. Just make sure that you leave enough stem that the leaves aren’t sitting in water, and they’ll start to root in a couple of weeks. Oh, and put them in the sun. If you just put them in a glass of water, they either don’t root or take too long to root that you get frustrated and throw them away.

      And then for the still potted bottom parts of the stem, leave them where they are and water deeply. Allow to dry out completely between waterings. When they start putting out leaves again, you can repot. Don’t want to give them too much trauma all at once. They should put out leaves again in a few weeks. I tend to just forget about them so I don’t overwater and they seem to like that.

  41. Bibliovore*

    Way fair?
    Mr. Bibliovore wants deck furniture. Specifically heavy , like LOL but we can’t afford that.
    Recommendations?
    Terrified of assembly

    1. nep*

      I’ve been looking at reading chairs on Wayfair.
      ‘Terrified of assembly’–resonates big time.

    2. Ranon*

      Most of the big box stores have pretty tolerable quality stuff (Home Depot/ Walmart/ Target/ Lowe’s/ etc), the nylon mesh type seems to hold up well. I have a set from Walmart that’s 5+ years old now and still in great shape, it lives outside in covered shade year round and the only signs of wear are a few rust spots

    3. BuildMeUp*

      I’ve been doing some browsing on Wayfair recently too! I’ve found that a lot of the reviews will mention how difficult something was to put together. Maybe try narrowing your options down to a handful and then going through the reviews for mentions of easy assembly?

    4. Anono-me*

      We’ve done our own out of 2x4s. Super simple and super cheap and easier to me than a kit. (Handyman Magazine has some instructions that we liked.) If you mess up, you can probably reuse that 2×4 for a smaller piece or just call it a $4 loss. If even that is outside of your comfort zone, maybe check to see if anyone in your social media is making and selling 2×4 patio furniture or is available for commission?
      (Pro tip – pick out the cushions first so that you can be sure your first choice will fit the furniture.)

    5. CoffeeforLife*

      Could do task rabbit for assembling. Since it’s outdoor furniture the risk is lower?

    6. Natalie*

      I was pretty disappointed in the quality from Wayfair. In the lower price points I’d rather shop at IKEA, and at their higher price points I could buy from a real furniture store. YMMV.

      1. pancakes*

        +1.
        It might be worth keeping an eye on CB2 and West Elm sales right now too, since I don’t think they’re moving nearly as much merchandise as usual.

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I haven’t tried anything from Wayfair, but I can recommend IKEA. I had a patio put in this summer and ordered several items from IKEA. I got the SJÄLLAND table and chairs, the SOLLERÖN modular corner sofa 3, and a SOLLERÖN arm chair. I put them together myself, and didn’t find them difficult, just time consuming, maybe 3 hours total with several breaks (I think it always takes twice as long as I expect to put it together). I’m very happy with what I bought. I did look at Wayfair, but it was more expensive and it seemed like everything I liked had to be assembled.

    8. Anonyme*

      I can’t find anything about whether or not they still do, but as of 2019 Wayfair was supplying furniture for the concentration camps the USA has for migrants.

    9. Lcsa99*

      The one time we tried to get something from wayfair it seemed like it was available but they kept pushing back the delivery. Finally we gave up, cancelled and found the same thing on overstock for about the same price.

      I can’t say anything about putting furniture together cause I am really good at puzzles so I don’t usually have a problem putting stuff together. I don’t believe wayfair has their own stuff – just a lot of stuff from other companies at supposedly lower prices so you might see if you can find copies of instructions online to see if they make sense.

    10. Chaordic1*

      Most of the time when I’ve assembled things myself I’ve had problems with making screws go in where they’re supposed to. They end up popping out where they’re not supposed to be. The furniture stays put together, but it doesn’t look good close up.

      A friend of mine who bought a lot of stuff from IKEA says they have a service that will assemble the furniture for you for an extra charge and she thinks that it is worth paying for.

    11. ibliovore*

      Okay- We ended up on the Room and Board site- Most of our furniture and house is mid-century modern. Picked up two not-too-heavy not- too- light in in our price range blue plastic molded chairs. With complete agreement. I get to be happy and right.

  42. Sunflower*

    For those with dental issues- how do you decide how/when to accept a dentist’s recommendations for work?

    I’ve had issues with my teeth forever (I’m 32). I used to drink a ton of diet sodas and once I cut back on that 7 years ago, most of my issues (cavities, crowns, etc) disappeared. I am lucky that I don’t often have dental pain and these issues were mostly identified during routine cleanings- however, it seems some of my older work is breaking down.

    2 years ago, I started work on a dental implant that I long needed. I have an oral surgeon and endo (both I’ve worked with for 10 years) and cosmetic dentist (new) working on it. Since this has started, my oral surgeon and dentist have been identifying other teeth that need work- I’ve been recommended to get implants on 3 different teeth (beyond the one I’m getting). It seems like every time I go in and think I’m done, another tooth needs work. It’s never cavities or root canals, it’s always expensive work that is barely covered by insurance (I’m not saying they’re lying but with my past issues and no real pain, it’s impossible to know what’s going on.)

    I don’t know what to do here. I generally take doctor’s recommendations at their word but with the amount of $$ involved, it’s not an option. I’m comfortable going to a dental school (most of the work is in the back of my mouth also) but I don’t know where to start. As I mentioned, I don’t have any pain with these teeth but I understand no pain doesn’t mean nothing is going on. Any advice or helpful resources I can look into?

    1. nep*

      I have countless dental problems (in the few teeth I’ve got left, that is). My dentists have generally been good about explaining why they are recommending a certain treatment–as you said, even if there is no pain, a tooth or condition can cause bigger problems down the line. I guess I’d ask them for details about why a certain thing is needed, what the options are, and what’s the likely outcome if you don’t get the treatment. You’re probably doing all that…This is just what comes to mind.
      All the best. I can relate.

    2. Reba*

      Do you think you could have a frank conversation with the docs about the treatment plan, priorities, and affordability?

      I know my mom had consultations with a few different specialists, basically getting quotes for a treatment plan… but then I also know of a dentist firing a patient who sought a second opinion.

    3. Anono-me*

      For all big medical problems that aren’t immediate, my family gets a second opinion. (And if the second opinion differs from the first in a confusing way, we have been known to get a third.)

      In my opinion, medicine is a complex science based art and philosophy combination. So I always try to get second opinions from a different clinic so as to hopefully get it from someone who has a different overall guiding philosophy/ school of thought.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I think this is a perfect situation for a second opinion. I also think that it can be easy to forget that’s an option with dentists as well as doctors.

      2. nep*

        Yes! It’s very much philosophy. Great to explore and get other approaches, other opinions.

    4. ARTIFACTS. ART. LIFE-FORMS. AND. MISC.*

      I would start by seeking recommendations from friends on who they use as a dentist, and then get a 2nd or 3rd opinion.

      It pains me to say this, but there are dental practitioners out there who can always find something that ‘needs’ work. I obviously can’t tell you if your dentists are milking you, but I *can* tell you that it happens.

      1. WellRed*

        Our WiFi thing (router?) is centrally located so that WiFi reaches all three users. Unfortunately, that’s a bedroom and especially now with us all wfh, it needs moving and possibly an update. Do extenders work well? Or mesh (?) systems. I’d like to move router back to living room but need WiFi to reach back bedroom. Be gentle. Tech is not a language I speak well.

    5. Natalie*

      You might find the BRAIN acronym useful to go through – Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, Intuition, and No or Not Now (that is, what if you don’t do it or wait to do it).

    6. MissGirl*

      Always get a second opinion for dental work. The industry has a lot dentists recommending unnecessary work. I was given four fillings for cavities I now I suspect I never had. I have never had a cavity before that dentist and never one after (20 years later). I’m told this is a quite common scam.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      OOooo, OK so a few years ago I had slight jaw pain near my ear. I had had a wisdom tooth extracted a few months prior and the symptoms were exactly the same. That had been an extremely long and difficult recovery, so I was really dreading it again. Plus I had an international trip coming up 2 weeks after that. The dentist did the examination and said I needed a root canal which would cost $1500 even with insurance. I talked to my husband and mom about it and decided to take my chances. If the pain persisted, I’d get the procedure done in the country I was going to where it would be a fraction of teh cost. 

      Well, no pain. Cut to 18 months later, I went to a dentist for the same pain on the opposite side. She did recommend another extraction but I asked her about my teeth on the other side where the previous dentist had recommended a root canal and she said there was no problem there wahtsoever. When I went for the extraction, the dental surgeon did another set of x-rays and said confirmed there was nothing there indicating a root canal would have been needed. 

      So because of this, I am always going to be wary of detnists and ask for second or third opionions. 

    8. Wishing You Well*

      Yes, get a second opinion, preferably from the dental school or a dentist who does NOT “upsell”. I was astounded to find that some dentists “upsell” as though your body were a car that could be tinkered with.

    9. Anon for this*

      I also have bad teeth. I noped out of two dentists who said I needed all kinds of work and wanted to set up a payment plan and get a down payment to get started. On the third try I found a dentist who walked me through what needed to be taken care of and why, what could be put off and why and said one of the issues the other dentists raised was not an issue. No discussion of payment plans, but did have the office manager look into what my insurance would cover, arranged for approval before he started any work. (The first two said insurance wouldn’t cover the costs.) If you don’t trust your dentist, keep looking. There are good ones out there.

      Re: Dental schools, look on the websites for universities near you to see if they have dental programs. Not a lot of them do because of the cost. but if they have a school they will likely have info for prospective patients.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This.
        I ended up at a dentist that does a lot of natural stuff as well as mainstream stuff.
        He explained it to me this way: There are three levels of care, the ideal, the middle ground, and enough to keep you healthy for the short term.
        I opted for the middle ground as the ideal would be 10s of thousands of dollars.
        But this is the type of dentist you want. Someone who talks budget and goals up front. Matter of fact I filled out a questionnaire asking me my priorities. He stuck to my priorities for the 16 months it took him to fix what was really wrong.

    10. Phoenix from the ashes*

      Huh. For me personally, pain is a huge part of my decision making process for dentistry. Like, am I currently in pain or is there a significant risk of severe and acute pain in the short to medium term? If the answer to either of these is yes, I’m much more likely to agree to treatment. So I strongly doubt that I would agree to the extra implants you mentioned in your comment.

      To be clear, I am considering future cosmetic work (braces) at some point in the future but for my own reasons and when I can afford it. Last year I also accepted my dentist’s recommendation for expensive work on a tooth that I’d had a root canal in, but that was because I have no reason to distrust my dentist of nearly 10 years, and also because I could afford it, and because my dentist explained his reasons for thinking the tooth was cracked (and turned out to be correct, iirc).

      Is there something time-critical about the implants you’re being recommended to have? If not, I would put the suggestion on the ‘postpone, perhaps indefinitely ‘ pile, based on the details you’ve given here. That’s just my opinion though, and an uninformed one at that.

    11. WS*

      I talked to my dentist about what was needed to have healthy, if not cosmetically attractive teeth, and to prioritise – I have dental insurance but it has a fairly low yearly limit. With that in mind, the dentist was able to point out that the fillings were needed ASAP, but everything else could go on watch and wait, with regular cleanings. I have since had one crown because that would take the pressure off other teeth, but nothing like the extensive work that was mentioned at the start of the whole process.

    12. voluptuousfire*

      Ask! My previous dentist kept recommending invisible braces for me but never explained why. I thought she was just trying to get me to get them since they’re pricey. I didn’t think to question why. My new dentist recommended the same thing and I asked why and she said my teeth are crowded and since I have all my wisdom teeth, the braces would straighten my teeth (I had braces as a teenager but they didn’t really do the job) and it would prevent having dental issues down the road.

      I haven’t gotten them yet since I have to have two of the wisdom teeth removed before I do but it’s nice to actually have a why behind the recommendation aside from profit.

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      Tiger Balm! I love that smell! I use it on weekends on the tops of my hands. I have pins in them from an accident decades ago, and they always hurt. Tiger Balm heats and relaxes the little muscles on the tops of my hands, and really helps with the chronic pain. It’s too smelly for work, so it’s a weekend treat. It really stains clothing, too, but I am careful with it. I started using TB in the 80s. I keep the funny little jars for small sewing supplies like buttons. Love that tiger!

    2. Llellayena*

      After finding out my sneakers were a half size too small while on a vacation where I did not have a car (ow), I used it overnight on my feet. (I did also buy new sneakers during my vacation) it did seem to clear the ache a lot faster, especially since I couldn’t just stop walking for a few days until it went away!

    4. Merci Dee*

      I use Tiger Balm on my knees, mostly, when they start aching due to cold damp weather. Works a treat, too. I use the red balm, so it can sometimes stain clothes. But I’m careful about the way I pull up my pants legs before I apply, and make sure to clean my hands with a wet wipe when I’m done. So no stains on the outside of my pants.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Love it, a good icy-hot sensation for sore muscles.

      Warning: Do not take a shower after putting it on your lower back. Find some way to clean it all off, even if it’s been hours.

      Water makes it hotter, and it…travels.

    6. StellaBella*

      I use it for sore muscles or still neck from sleeping funny, mostly. I love the red kind. When the container gets close to empty I place it on the radiator to melt into the pot more, to ensure I can use all of it.

    7. Sparkly Librarian*

      You can put a dab on a cotton ball and tuck it into a corner or crevice as an excellent insect repellent. Also, in a pinch I’ve applied it to mosquito bites (I usually dab on straight camphor) if I haven’t scratched them open.

  44. Wm*

    Not so new reader: question for you- a few weeks ago you mentioned a 2k repair you had to do when your floor caved in or something?? I’m curious- what happened?!?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      ha! oh my. Well I live in a 180 year old school house that is basically built on a swamp. So there’s an old structure with lots and lots of water. Not a good combo.
      The final straw came when my husband bought an air compressor and ran it. (This is an unheated room at the back of the house, so tools and such collect out there.)
      I think the vibration from the motor of the compressor was the last thing that poor floor could hack. It buckled.

      Unfortunately this was an 11 x 19 room. So it was a decent sized floor. We had the old floor taken out. Vents had to be put in the cinder block wall that was the foundation under the floor. The vents were to help deal with the moisture build up.
      Our contractor also advised us to put down black plastic and stone as the ground was maybe 20 inches from the underside of the flooring.
      We previously had drainage installed in the yard so we did not need to do that.

      Fast forward, about 15 years later the floor buckled again. In the same spot!!! This time we were older and wiser- we had taken the air compressor out and never put it back in that room again. So this time it was NOT the compressor. I don’t know why it buckled the second time except to say that this lot is very wet.

      This time I had a different person look at the situation. I was worried because under the plywood floor the supporting boards only ran the short way- the 11 foot way. There was no support running perpendicularity on the 19 foot direction. I told my new person, who is also a friend, about the boards only running in one direction.
      “NO! Cannot be!”, he said.

      We tore up the flooring again. Interestingly, the plastic and stone had stayed in place and looked about the same as they did when I had seen them 15 years earlier.
      My friend put in cross pieces between the 11 ft boards. He explained to me there was a set interval and he was following those guidelines. Then he put a new floor on top.

      So yeah, I have done that floor twice. The stars were in alignment- too much water, old structure and not enough support underneath the floor. That air compressor did not help the first time. I also put a dehumidifier out there- gosh those things are spendy to run.

      Other floors in the house have been fixed by previous owners, so this is not an isolated thing. Most of them stayed fixed. I had to redo the kitchen floor, too. It was more like a trampoline than a floor. Not fun.

      Floor problems?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          One thing that is important to know, school houses are in a group by themselves. They were built with whatever people had on hand at that time. So you find all kinds of funny/odd things. I am sure that has been a contributing factor here.

      2. Bibliovore*

        I lived in an old school house built in the 1850’s. When the kitchen was renovated and about 15 layers of linoleum tile was pried up, dirt. yep dirt.
        The contractor told me in a very sorry voice that he will need to dig, frame and pour concrete. I said if you do that can you heat the kitchen floor while you are at it?
        sure.
        Win/win.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I would loooove a heated kitchen floor. My kitchen never went above 55 degrees in the winter. Now it goes up to 65 in the bitter cold. brrr. Fortunately, it’s only for a short while.

          Those 15 layers of linoleum were what made the floor last as long as it did, I would bet. ha! It’s weird how these stories go.

  45. Trixie*

    I’m looking at Apple watches these days. Beyond pricey for just a watch but I like all that is says it can do. Music/podcasts while walking/hiking, activity monitoring, health monitoring, etc. I was also looking at an iPhone but maybe Apple Watch will provide all the uses I’m looking for without replacing my Moto. Curious if anyone tried the watch and hated it or didn’t find it worth the price.

    2. Dan*

      I’m pretty sure that without an *iPhone* you pretty much have a $400 thing on your wrist that tells you the time. I don’t own an iPhone and my doc suggested getting an Apple Watch. I was like, uh, I need an iPhone right? “Yup” then “nope Apple Watch for me.”

      1. Trixie*

        I thought the watch functions with access to internet or wifi, even if it doesn’t sync with my MacBook. Still curious if those with the watch (and iPhone) found it worth the additional investment or were happier with just the phone.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          You literally can’t set the watch up without an iPhone app, even to just tell time.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          That said — I have had an Apple Watch from literally the day the first one was released (currently on a series 5), and I had a Pebble smart watch for two years or so before that. It’s the first thing I put on in the morning and the last thing I take off at night and not having it on for some reason drives me utterly buggy. I rely on it pretty consistently and have done for years.

        3. fhqwhgads*

          When I look at Apple watches on the apple store the text at the bottom of the page says “Apple Watch Series 5 and Apple Watch Series 3 require an iPhone 6s or later with iOS 13 or later. Wireless service plan required for cellular service. Apple Watch and iPhone service provider must be the same.”.
          And a bunch of other fine print but the above bit seems relevant to what you were discussing.

    3. Recent Grad*

      If you aren’t convinced about switching to an iPhone Garmin makes smart watches that perform most of the functions you have listed above. They are a similar price to Apple watches but can be used with Apple or Android.

      1. Trixie*

        Good suggestion, I was looking at Polar too. With a new job/raise a couple weeks, I like the idea of a self-care gift of sorts. Under pre-Covid conditions, I would be investing in some new work clothes. Not as urgent while working from home for a while.

    4. Apple watches*

      I love my Apple Watch! I didn’t even want one initially – my husband bought it for me for Christmas one year (I think because he really wanted one). But I am hooked. I love that I get notified when I receive text messages (instead of having to keep an eye on my phone). I love the activity/exercise monitor which I find oddly motivating. I like that I can check my emails from it. I use the timer function a lot when cooking. It’s a lot more than a watch – it’s basically a mini computer interface on your wrist. But you do need an iPhone to really use its functionality.

    5. Pharmgirl*

      There are a lot of fancy fitness watches out there that can offer a lot of what the Apple Watch does for a fraction of the price. If you don’t have an iPhone, that might be a better option. I have a Fitbit one I love, but there are other brands out there too. For me it tells time, let’s me read texts/see who is calling(not respond) has music (don’t use it personally but it’s there) a Starbucks and Alexa app, plus the fitness features. There are other versions of Fitbit with more features as well.

  46. KoiFeeder*

    A bit late, since the show was in early march, but has anyone else been watching the video with the AJKS 2020 champions? I was very impressed with the mature champion this year, and I hope she wins many more to come! The young champion was also quite excellent, in my opinion.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I looked up the acronym, and I am …pleased? Happy? Tickled pink? To learn that you with your username really are interested in koi.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I have a koi pond!

        Well, the parents have a koi pond. And I visit them. But I love them very much. Koi are just great.

  47. aarti*

    “Standard” relationship advice you suspect is mostly hot air?

    For me, it’s “don’t go to bed angry”. Early when now-husband and I started living together, we were having a lot of petty arguments late at night and feeling pressure to hash them out then and there.

    My mom told me to sleep on it and if I was still mad in the morning, hubs and I probably needed to talk about it. Mostly though I’m not upset once I’m well rested! Go to bed angry! That’s my advice now.

    2. Washi*

      This is more like a dating adage, but I’ve never understood “opposites attract.” Do they? Most of my happily paired up friends are with someone who is fairly similar to them in values and at least in some hobbies. My husband and I don’t agree on every little thing, but we have a lot in common and are very aligned in our priorities. Maybe I am misunderstanding what is meant by “opposite” but it seems like it would be hard to be in a long term relationship with someone who really was the opposite of you!

      1. ThatGirl*

        I think it’s more accurate to say that you should complement your partner, in some ways. Find balance. But being total opposites does not seem like it would work. Shared values and goals are especially important.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        I don’t think there’s really any sociological peer-reviewed evidence for opposites attracting in larger percentages than non-opposites.

      3. lazy intellectual*

        Agree. I do think some of us have enjoyed the novelty of dating someone a bit different from us, but usually these don’t work out long-term. More of a “get it out of your system” phase. (Me, I was a quiet, bookish nerd growing up who dated an older, motorcycling riding dude with long, floppy hair in college for all of 5 months. My friends were like, “Uh, what are you doing???”)

      4. Novocastriart*

        I agree with you – it’s important that values are aligned in a partner!! My husband and I differ in how we respond/react to different things which can be hugely helpful, he really does level me out in the same way I can amp him up when the situation calls for it! I think differences (of opinion, interests, habits, emotional expression etc) are healthy and necessary but I have found it more important that we understand and sometimes cater to the differences – he’s never going to understand why I clean like a maniac before mum visits (but not dad) for instance, but he knows to either participate or disappear when I do, not to convince me otherwise.

      5. Bibliovore*

        I’m not so sure we are opposites but perhaps that one is about the impossibility of pairing up with someone just like yourself.
        Mr. Bibliovore hate when I say this but the Venn Diagram middle of our interests is very small. What we have in common. We both think reading and books are good. But we have completely different interests- he read history and poetry and I read speculative fiction. We both read the newspapers. I am more interested in business, science and local news and he is in the arts and politics. He wouldn’t even notice if the food section was dropped. I can’t sit through a movie or Shakespeare. He would die before watching 5 minutes of Guardians of the Galaxy or Star Trek (any edition) Sometimes we do things together that either wouldn’t do- yes, I did sit through a baseball game, go to the Guthrie, and last night watched King of Staten Island. He has been to children’s literature lectures, accompanied me on business travel, eaten in sushi restaurants (without yucking my yum) sat through graduate student presentations, lives with a pet and helps care for it. I listen to classical music for him and he listens to folk for me. We both agree that I don’t have ever listen to jazz again (It makes me itch) and he never has to listen to country. He is neater and I am cleaner. Some how this works thirty years in.
        AND yes, go to bed mad.

    3. pieforbreakfast*

      “Relationships are hard”. I mean yes they take attention and there can be difficult times but overall they shouldn’t be hard labor. I’ve had friends stick with relationships that weren’t working and causing unhappiness but they felt they couldn’t end them until they had tried everything to make it successful.

      2. Alexandra Lynch*

        Relationships aren’t hard.
        I’ve got two partners I live with, and the relationships are the easy part.

        Coping with our mental illnesses is the hard part.

    4. HannahS*

      Not so much advice as an adage, but, “When you know, you know.” WTF does that even mean? I got engaged after 3 months so we heard that phrase a lot. It bugged me because this wasn’t like a magical fairytale thing, or like a spiritual soul-mates thing. We were at a stage of life where we wanted to get married, where “married” means “committing to building a shared life”. We talked A LOT about our values and priorities, and made the decision based on that. It wasn’t like a deep, intangible knowing.

      1. Ali G*

        I realized, for me, it was more I knew what I didn’t want. I always thought I never wanted to get married, but it turns out I just didn’t want to marry any one I dated until I met my husband. For me it was that feeling that if he left my life I would be unhappy. I never actually experienced that before. So I did “know” but kind of backed into it!

      2. Jennifer Juniper*

        I made that mistake with my ex-husband. We had nothing in common but our darling tortie, a love of camping, and shared political beliefs.

        Miraculously, the marriage lasted thirteen years and the relationship lasted for sixteen years.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      If you can’t talk about difficult things with each other, then hang it up. It’s pretty normal to have a few things come up that are tough to get through. But if any difficult situation causes the SO to run, it’s time to move on. Life is not for the faint of heart. It’s important for both people to participate when the going gets tough.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Haha, +1 to “don’t go to bed angry.” Midnight is not ever going to be a good time to START an argument, as I have learned the hard way. Absolutely agreed — go to bed angry, then if it’s still important tomorrow, totally talk about it!

      I think any advice for hetero marriages that’s predicated on men being one way and women being another way is garbage. Our premarital counseling, which was otherwise EXCELLENT, included a jokey diagram of “man brain” and “woman brain” and it was just as bad as you’d imagine. It was meant to be lighthearted but I was incandescent about it.

    7. Quarantina*

      “Your spouse should be your best friend.” Sure, my spouse shares some of my interests and we work together to build our life. But the expectation that a guy I was dating was supposed to replace my BFF, who I’ve known since kindergarten, who saw me through crises and triumphs, who knows me inside and out- that’s a lot to look for. Even after 10 years of marriage, there’s a difference in my connection to my spouse and to my BFF. And I really don’t think that’s a problem!

      1. Taniwha Girl*

        I hate that “my spouse is my best friend.” Well I don’t usually sleep with my friends, I don’t know about you… friends are friends for a reason!

    8. Sleepless*

      Oh gosh, I wish I had learned so much earlier that you should absolutely go to bed angry. My husband and I have had our absolute worst fights late at night, when we’re both tired and everything seems so much worse, and we both thought we should NOT let it drop until we’d thoroughly hashed it out. It is SO much better to roll one’s eyes and go get some sleep, then if it still seems like a big deal in the morning, bring it up calmly.

      1. Bibliovore*

        No good can come of any discussion after 9:00 pm. Go to your separate corners. Write out your feelings and talk when you are both well rested, well fed, and rational.

  48. tiasp*

    ADHD question – my 15 year old grade 9 son has ADHD. He’s very intelligent but he’s extremely reluctant to do school work. His marks are generally high 90s for science (because it’s all based on the exams which he aces even if he doesn’t do the chapter questions), 70s for math because there’s a chunk is based on doing the practice work and because he doesn’t do quite as well in the tests because he hasn’t done the practice (I’ve spoken to his math teacher about this and observed it over this school at home period) and usually failing or 50s in social and LA because so much is assignments that he never completes (marks are 70s/80s on what he does complete, but often needs an EA sitting beside him making him do it).

    Going into grade 10, students choose a stream – the -1 courses which are higher and would be the university requirements and -2 which will fulfill high school graduation requirements. He’s been recommended to take the -1 for math and science but -2 for English and Social. I understand why – unless there was a miracle change in his work habits over the summer, he just wouldn’t (not couldn’t, just wouldn’t) get the assignments completed in english and social -1 (I have an older child so I know what those courses are like). It’s still up to us – we could register him in -1 and see how it goes, but realistically, it probably wouldn’t go well.

    What I’m struggling with is that every university program requires English 30-1 for admittance. It’s not impossible for him to eventually do his 30-1, but this path will make it harder. Also, as far as he’s thought about it at all, he thinks he wants to do something in computers, which I assume most likely means computer sciences or computer engineering degrees.

    So what I’d like to know is (1) what are some computer type jobs/careers that do not require a university degree (and by all means suggestions that aren’t specifically computers but have similar characteristics – e.g. power engineer which I think is the person who runs all the machines at a plant) and (2) what other kinds of careers have people with ADHD found that they excel at (especially if you are someone with not great social/people skills). Any suggestions about things that will help him as he goes through high school (grade 10, 11, 12) would be appreciated as well.

    1. ARTIFACTS. ART. LIFE-FORMS. AND. MISC.*

      I’m ADHD AF. I’m also a father.

      First, I wouldn’t rule out college. Frankly, the better computer-related jobs go to college grads.

      Second, it’s been known for awhile that people ‘on the spectrum’ often benefit by using some kind of computer interface. So – is there any way to add a computer element to the classes he has trouble with?

      Third and last: is he a big reader? Kind of a shot in the dark, but maybe get him an ebook reader and load him up with some material that’s actually fun to read? P. J. O’Rourke’s _Holidays in Hell_, Al Franken’s _Rush Limbaugh…_, Twain’s “The Mysterious Stranger”, maybe some Mencken or Jared Diamond or Malcolm Gladwell? The idea being to get past “reading is a chore” and on to “reading is entertaining”. It may be different for him, but I know *my* big breakthrough in the humanities came when I realized that quite a few classics are hilarious.

      1. tiasp*

        He likes reading the things that he likes reading, and on the reading tests they do at school, he’s pretty much at the maximum score. However, he doesn’t get to choose what his class reads, so if he doesn’t like it, that’s an issue. And the much bigger issue is the actual doing the work to answer the questions or write the essay or whatever. He actually gets EA (educational assistant) help at school, which is largely him sitting with the EA while she nudges him to do the work. Occasionally they still scribe for him on exams with a written component.

        I’m not ruling out university. The grade 9 teachers recommend the placement for grade 10. After they called to register him and said they recommended him to do those two subjects in the -2 stream, I got in touch with the school to find out if there was a way for him to eventually do the 30-1. There is, but it means either switching from -2 to -1 in grade 11 or 12 (which is a HUGE difference in expectations and work load), or doing ELA 30-2 and then doing ELA 30-1 in the second semester as distance learning while he was also doing the heavy math and science courses (small town, one school, courses are only offered once per year and ELA 30-2 and 30-1 and both offered in the first semester). Or I suppose he could upgrade just that one course the year after he graduates. So there’s a path, but whatever it is, it requires him to do a lot more work.

    2. Disco Janet*

      I teach 10th and 11th grade, and something that works for some of my students at this age is impressing upon them that the choices they make right now can either make their future easier or more difficult, and the choice is theirs. Things I may point out depending on the student:

      1. He’s in high school now, and English credits are a graduation requirement – he’s setting himself up for summer school, a very stressful senior year trying to make up classes, or not getting his diploma if he doesn’t put in the effort to pass those classes.

      2. Your future employer won’t care how smart you are if you’re not willing to put in hard work. No, they’re not going to ask him to write an essay about a novel, but no job is fun 100% of the time – occasionally you get an important task where you find it boring, but the work must still be done.

      3. At this point he may be unsure about college, but don’t close that door on yourself early – you want as many options as possible when you’re finding the career that’s the best fit for you, so it’s to his benefit to try his best and keep his options open.

      I can offer suggestions of things that have been helpful for my high-achieving ADHD students, or even my coworker who has ADHD and is an English teacher. But in my experience, those suggestions don’t help unless the student truly wants to improve and learn to manage their ADHD – it sounds like your son might not be there yet, but reminders about some of the above may help. I don’t use them on every underperforming student as it all depends on the person and the circumstances, but just throwing them out there in case any of them may be things you think he needs to hear.

      1. tiasp*

        We have absolutely talked about how the choices he makes now will affect his future. Less about how there’s always going to be work that you have to do that you don’t love.

    3. Nacho*

      I have ADHD, and I’ve had some really good experiences in IT. It’s an entry level job, so university isn’t required, but once you’ve done it long enough there are higher level positions you can take with increases in pay. You’re generally expected to manage your own time, with productivity mattering a lot more than spending every working second doing something, so nobody will care if he loses focus every so often as long as he’s a good worker when he has it. If he’s even reasonably sociable, he can get a good position in a call center as one of the guys you call when your stuff brakes. If not, there are IT positions that just require him to work on tickets without doing any customer service, though I find those a tad lonely.

      I started in IT, and I’ve been promoted 4 times even though my college degree’s completely worthless (had similar problems as your son, went to college anyways, wasted a lot of money and 7 years of my life).

    4. foolofgrace*

      I feel you. My son was ADHD pretty badly. By high school he went to a Catholic school that had discipline that helped him get on track. Please don’t shut the door on college. My son too loved computers and he’s a computer engineer now. The good jobs will require a college degree as well as certificates in Windows, etc. He probably can’t see it now but if he could get past this and get into college he’ll have more options in life.

      1. tiasp*

        I’m still hoping that he will find the drive to get through the courses that he needs but doesn’t enjoy (ie english), but he’s a stubborn guy. And sometimes he will agree with me that he needs to do X and with the plan to get X done and then . . . just doesn’t do it. But I’m happy to hear of success for other kids who were in his position!

    5. Alexandra Lynch*

      My eldest has both ADHD and is autistic.
      He bombed his first attempt at college because he wanted to play video games more than go to class, and did some manual labor after that and then some work in fast food. Suddenly, he hit 25 and Grew Up, and (pre-COVID) was taking classes in welding. He’s now at the point where he can apply for an apprenticeship with the local pipefitter’s union, and I really hope he gets in. Skilled trades are honorable and they can’t outsource them… someone’s still got to show up and run your NG line.

      1. tiasp*

        My husband is a journeyman, so I’m certainly not knocking trades. In fact, I was talking about it with a teacher who is brilliant, and he pointed out that his two siblings both went the trades route, and they would absolutely have gotten into university if they wanted to go. Now 20 ish years later, he says they are both better off financially than he is and just as happy with their careers. And actually, one of the first things I started thinking about when I heard the recommendations they school gave my son was about what kinds of trades he might find similarly satisfying.

  49. tangerineRose*

    I’ve been having issues with congestion, and my doctor recommended I take Claratin, Zertex, or Alegra. I’ve been looking up side effects. If you have experience with any of these, will you let me know what you thought about them/what your experience was? Zertex had something on the label about not driving the first day you take it and I think watching for behavior changes (yikes!).

    1. self employed*

      Not your question, but consider your diet— dairy can cause congestion, as can other things like wheat. Might be worth trying an elimination diet.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’ve tried giving up dairy, but I’m a vegetarian, and giving up dairy really cuts down on available proteins. Also, I’m not sure that cutting out dairy really helped that much.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I have taken a daily antihistamine for something like 15 years. Allegra usually, but sometimes Zyrtec to switch things up. I tolerate both very well, but most new meds should be taken carefully at first. Just keep an eye on yourself for the first day or two.

        Side benefit: your itchy summer bug bites won’t be nearly as itchy.

    2. Claritin*

      I’ve taken Claritin daily for years now, recommended by my allergist. Haven’t really notice any side effects, fortunately.

    3. fposte*

      I took Claritin until it was determined that my problems weren’t allergies. No side effects. But if you’re concerned, are nasal sprays, either prescription or OTC, a possibility? They have fewer systemic effects and can help.

      1. Observer*

        Actually, a lot of the nasal sprays can have some fairly significant systemic effects. You need to check what it is that’s in any given spray.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’ve been taking Claritin (the Target version, much cheaper) for more than a decade with no side effects. Combined with Flonase spray (also the Target version) my seasonal allergies are under control. Good luck!

    5. Enough*

      All my children take allergy pills. Have found that Claritin wasn’t the best and one got an upset tummy. I like Zertec because the pill can be split in half. Also was told that Zertec was best taken at night while Allegra works best taken in the morning.

      1. Red Sky*

        Huh, did not know this about taking Zyrtec at night. Been taking it for several years now, always with breakfast, and haven’t noticed any side effects even when I first started. I’m generally prone to tiredness by afternoon, so I’m going try switching to nighttime to see if there’s any difference.

        1. Merci Dee*

          The ENT that performed my sinus surgery recommended that I take all of my allergy meds at night because they could all cause some degree of drowsiness, especially when stacked on top of each other. During winter and summer, I take Zyrtec and Flonase. But during heavy allergy season in the spring and fall, I have to add in Singulair to the mix. So I take them at night, pass out for roughly 7 or 8 hours, and then I’m good to go in the morning.

        2. Enough*

          I think the recommendation was more about the efficacy of the drugs. But when I know something will make me drowsy I take it at night. Fortunately I don’t tend to have drowsiness as a side effect.

    6. Shell*

      I took Claratin as a kid for probably a decade, no issues. At about 18-19 it stopped working for me and I switched to Allegra, which I’ve been on over a decade. I’ve never had any issues, side effects or bad experiences. Also, I switch between name brand and generic based on what’s on sale with no problems.

    7. blackcat*

      I have taken all three.
      Claritin was the first choice of my pediatrician when I was a kid. It made me mind-numbingly exhausted. Don’t know if it would do that to me as an adult, though.
      Most of my adult life I’ve been on Allegra, with zero side effects.
      I get some drowsiness from Zyrtec, but I’ve only ever been on it while pregnant so that’s a complicating factor. (Zyrtec is the preferred one of these three for use in pregnancy, but Allegra is the one of choice for breastfeeding. IDK why, but I was thrilled to go back on Allegra as soon as I popped out the kid).

      FWIW, the one time I was having head congestion issues, my doc recommended one week of using Flonaze (steroid nasal spray). Worked like a charm to knock down the inflammation and I haven’t had the problem since. I’m mostly on the daily allergy meds since I have allergy-induced asthma.

    8. Recent Grad*

      I used to take Claritin daily but it really wasn’t working as well for me so my doctor recommended that I switch to Zyrtec. Also have you looked into sinus rinses( I use Neilmed in the US)? When I get congestion from allergies they help a lot because they rinse the allergens and excess mucous out of your nose. It’s gross but it really works.

    9. Courageous cat*

      I do Allegra occasionally and have zero issues with it. No side effects. I think you’ll be fine with any of them though – all medications have to have worst-case scenario type disclaimers on them.

    10. Allergic*

      I have severe pet dander allergies, and for the past 15 years, I have lived with (and adored) cats. So I’ve tried every allergy remedy out there. Claritin worked for me for a short while, but not optimally. Zyrtec works just fine. Allegra is my favored allergy medicine, and I’ve been taking the generic form of it for many years now. My physician has advised a doubled dose for me; I take one in the morning and one at bedtime. I have had absolutely no side effects from any of these medicines.

    11. Selenejmr*

      I was prescribed Claritin 25 years ago for a cold. I am one of the few people that get very bad breath as a side effect. (By bad breathe I mean my breath smelled like dog Pooh a few minutes after brushing my teeth.) And my mouth tasted nasty the whole time I took it. Haven’t taken it since then.

    12. Tris Prior*

      I take Claritin-D 12-hour for seasonal allergies, the chief symptom of which is severe congestion. It makes me mildly shaky but not so much that I’d be worried about driving. I do have trouble sleeping if I take it later than mid-afternoon or so, but otherwise no side effects.

      That being said, I tried Claritin-D 24-hour once and it was Not OK. I’ve never been stoned but I imagine that must be what it feels like – super speedy, amped up and zoomy, but not in a pleasurable way. Until it wore off I just paced around thinking, “OMG, this is the stuff they use to make meth, is this what being on meth feels like? Because this is NOT ENJOYABLE, why does anyone do meth if this is what it feels like, this SUCKS!”

      So, I’d try the lower formulation first and see how it goes.

      1. RagingADHD*

        That’s the “D” – decongestant. Probably a form of Sudafed.

        Normal Claritin is just the antihistamine and has zero relationship to meth at all.

    13. RagingADHD*

      I’ve taken all 3 at different times.

      IME, Claritin is the weakest, Allegra in the middle, and Zyrtec the strongest. Claritin does nothing for my regular allergies, but it works okay for my kids sometimes.

      I’ve never had any side effects unless I took 2 by mistake, which made me drowsy, like taking Benadryl.

      I think the warnings are just in case you’re one of the rare folks who are sensitive to it.

      Where I live, we only have 2 seasons: pollen & mold. Most folks I know take an OTC antihistamine daily, and Ive never heard of anyone having side effects. It can happen, but it’s a very safe medicine in general.

    14. cherylblosssom*

      I developed seasonal allergies this spring, and have been taking Aerius almost daily for a few months. I started out on Claritin and then switched to Aerius at the suggestion of my pharmacist. I can’t say I’ve experienced side effects on either of them. Maybe some very light “cloudy head” feeling, but that’s probably more due to lack of sleep. I can’t tell the difference between either type, but have had a lot of relief from the allergy symptoms on both medications (including congestion).

    15. Enough*

      If you only or primarily have congestion without the other typical symptoms you could try just a decongestant like Sudafed or a nasal spray. If a spray works I suggest you talk to your doctor about a non-steroidal prescription spray.

    16. Old and Don't Care*

      I’ve taken Zyrtec for years, with no side effects other than slight dry mouth.

      The decongestant forms of these drugs (Zyrtec-D, etc( can raise blood pressure.

    17. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      Don’t take cetirizine! I had horrendous withdrawal itching and it was hell coming off it. Google Zyrtec itching for more.

      I find loratadine has no side effects.

    18. Observer*

      I’m going to suggest an elimination diet, perhaps with the help of an allergist. It may or may not help. *IF* it does, though, you’ll probably feel a LOT better, and not just because of the congestion.
      All medications CAN have side effects, but not everyone has them, so part of it is seeing how something affects you. Claritin seems to have the lowest level of effects on the least amount of people so I would probably start with that, unless you’ve had reactions to it or drugs in that family.

      Also, if you have not done this yet, check your air conditioning and heating system(s), if you have them. Sometimes cleaning the filters and / or putting in better filtering can have massive effects. And for some people putting in AC and keeping the windows closed. So, if you have not looked into that, and it’s an option, I would do that.

    19. Theguvnah*

      Zyrtec made me exhausted no matter what time of day I took it
      Flonase worked great but after a month or so it made my fingers numb and nearly unable to move

      I cut out dairy instead and it changed my life.

  50. nep*

    Anyone use latanoprost eye drops? Have you seen any side effects, particularly if you’ve been using them for a long time? I know every body is different…just interested in people’s experiences.

    1. Lost in the Woods*

      Never been on it, but I work in ophthalmology.
      Latanoprost is a first line glaucoma drop partially because it has very few side affects. You can be allergic to it, as you can be to almost anything, but otherwise the two major side effects are increased lash growth (Latisse, intended explicitly for lash growth, is actually a related molecule), and it can sometimes make your iris pigment look slightly darker (much more noticeable in folks with green or blue eyes).

      One thing to know about generic eye meds is that they tend to have a harsher preservative in them. IMO it’s a good idea to use a preservative free artificial tear.

    2. IntoTheSarchasm*

      I have been Latanoprost for years for Glaucoma. It did make my eyelashes grow crazy long and thick, they would actually hit my glasses. No other side effects.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. (How long before your eyelashes were noticeably longer and thicker? Have they stopped growing?)

  51. Frapperia*

    Just thought I’d update you all! Thanks so much for all your advice.

    Week two of having this tiny menace https://imgur.com/a/pmkP6J0 https://imgur.com/a/ipQKIId and we’re getting into a routine. First week was really hard, I was struggling with my anxiety, second week has been much better. She piddled four times in corners of the flat in the first week, possibly due to anxiety as she is litter-trained, but since last weekend she’s been excellent. She’s slept on me a number of times, she is eating well, vet says she’s healthy and she’s had her first jabs.

    I’ve spent a small fortune on litter – turns out she prefers the clumping, so I have to return 2 x 25l bags of non-clumping, and I’ve installed a cat pheromone diffuser to help calm her. She is allowed four Dreamies a day and goes absolutely wild for them, slightly terrifyingly. She’s a miniature purring maniac and I love her even if she is an exhausting loon <3

    We'll work out the practicalities of her getting in and out etc as we go, COVID means everything is still up in the air and my life is never going to be quite the same…

    2. tangerineRose*

      She’s at the exhausting loon stage right now. Kittens are like that. She’ll probably settle down eventually.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Awwwwwww. She’s adorable. Enjoy.
      I love the way she can go from sitting still looking prim to being all stretched out as a predator about to pounce.

    8. voluptuousfire*

      The Tiny Menace is adorable. Best of luck!

      Try Churu pate treats. My newly adopted cat LOVED them and it’s what transformed me from Scary Kidnap Lady to Awesome Treat Lady in a matter of 5 minutes. :D

  52. DeepDarkBlue*

    Hoping for guidance to manage daily waves of soaking sadness that may be the beginning of menopause? I wake up fairly energetic and optimistic then feel a cloak of deep, dark blue settle around my shoulders around 9:30-10 am. Would HRT help? I take citalopram for anxiety already.

    1. fposte*

      Sorry about the descending cloud. HRT can help with hormone-related mood swings, so it’s worth talking to a doctor; they may want to test your levels before prescribing, which seems reasonable, and you can go off it if it doesn’t seem to help after a while.

    2. Anonymous because reasons*

      I found that citalopram didn’t work for hormone-related dp; I’m on sertraline/Zoloft instead. This works better for me. Maybe good idea to chat to your doc again?
      Sorry you’re feeling like this.

    3. MMB*

      Testosterone shots saved my life – much more effective for me than the pills btw. I’d definitely ask your Dr. about it.

    4. That time of life*

      I had depression and paralyzing anxiety for the first time since my twenties. But wait- I was in my early 40s. Isn’t this too early? I was sad and overwhelmed. I recognized it and turned myself in to my therapist who I hadn’t seen in years. I came to the appointment and dumped. She laughed and said make an appointment with your gyn. Short time later- blood tests are back. HRT. Phew. Finally getting a good night’s sleep. Relieved of obsessive thoughts. Back to my usual snarky self. Better living through chemistry.

    5. DeepDarkBlue*

      Thanks to each of you for replying. I’ll see my Gyn in August and talk with her about options. Your time, thoughts, and good wishes were so heartening.

    6. Zweisatz*

      You don’t happen to eat before the clouds descend? I’m asking because I had bad BAD 4 hour depressive episodes before I discovered that I was lactose intolerant. It happened regularly because I was eating the same food at the same time of day. (Can happen with other intolerances – anything that makes the gut unhappy.)

      Feel free to ignore if that’s absolutely the wrong direction.

      1. DeepDarkBlue*

        Hi Zweisatz- that’s a good point. I’ve only ever had coffee for breakfast- just never felt hungry in the morning. Maybe that’s finally catching up with me. I’ll start breakfasting and will also kept my eye on lactose reactions. Thanks for your insight.

        1. Zweisatz*

          Oh, that’s also interesting. I did have a friend who finally needed to get a more regular eating pattern because not having breakfast made her feel really sick. Low blood sugar can also affect your mood and energy. I wouldn’t assume it gets as bet as you described but it can’t hurt to try. Good luck!

  53. OyHiOh*

    Removed — please see new rules linked at the very top of the post! (Essentially, there’s no more “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts — I’m asking that comments ask questions or seek to discuss ideas.) – Alison

    3. tangerineRose*

      Have you thought about creating a blog and letting us know where it is? Or if you don’t want to write all that often, maybe you and Rebecca can share a blog and both post there? I’ve always liked reading both of your updates.

      1. Anono-me*

        There was a lady by the name of gold digger that used to post insightful questions and some very witty comments. She had a link to her blog. I enjoyed both what she posted here and on her blog. Maybe something like that would suit you.

        I know that I would find a blog by you interesting. I have enjoyed your posts and learned a lot about different world views from them.

        Thank you.

        1. Pineapple pizza*

          +1! I remember that you used to share a link to your art: I’d love to see what you’ve been working on, if there was a blog to showcase your projects.

          1. Anono-me*

            Yay!!! Thank you. I was gone for a little bit and then when I came back several others were gone.

    4. StudentA*

      You know….people are saying we’re going back to how the site used to be years ago. Well, when a forum turns into more of a community, as is wont to happen when people post in the same community for years and years, it’s very human to have “checking in” posts. I’m really turned off by this new rule. Not really from Alison, as she has to do what’s best for her site. More at the lack of true empathy at the root of the beef of this and frankly putting Alison in the position of having to create this rule. I find it positively ridiculous.

        1. Mx*

          StudentA (or anyone) should have the right to express their disappointment without being told they don’t have to be here. That’s not very kind.
          Readers who expressed they didn’t like blog posts have been listened. It works both ways.

          1. BRR*

            Readers with each preference have been able to express their thoughts on the subject the past few weeks, not just ones who prefer the posts be conversational. I don’t consider it very kind to say the reason I prefer posts with questions and that encourage conversation is because I lack empathy.

          2. Ducksgoquack*

            Interesting you think your views weren’t heard simply because it wasn’t agreed to.

            No one has a “right” to express views without opposing thought. That’s kind of the whole point of being here. People express opinions and get varying responses back. If you think your rights are violated because someone else disagrees with you, the internet is probably not your thing.

      2. anony*

        The problem is that when lots of comments assume a level of knowledge of their past posts and history, the community as a whole started feeling cliquish and unwelcoming to new readers. I read this comment before it was removed and it had lots of shorthand that wouldn’t make sense if you had not read the poster’s previous updates. I say that as someone who has enjoyed her updates. I’m sure she doesn’t intend to be cliquish or unwelcoming to new readers [from everything I’ve read she is a lovely person!] but when you have lots of people posting like that, it does change the overall site feel.

        I’ve enjoyed the site a lot more since the rule change. I do think we have lost something too but I’m O.K. with that because it does feel better here now. That’s just my opinion though, I know others may feel differently.

        1. Corinne*

          New readers can do what new readers on any site should do – lurk, read, absorb the ethos and catch up. Not everything has to be geared to spoonfeeding newbies and avoiding frightening them away by requiring them to engage their brains. The site feels so lifeless and dull with this boring parade of inane questions posted just for the sake of asking something. It’s formulaic and meaningless.

          I think I’m done with the open threads, and possibly the whole site. It’s lost its charm.

          1. Lucette Kensack*

            And not everything needs to be customized to the to a very small group of regular users. In fact, it’s to Alison’s benefit (as she has articulated) to ensure that the site, including the open threads, is appealing to a much wider base of people than regular commenters (who make up a small fraction of the readership; the “community” in the weekend open threads is an even smaller fraction).

          2. Ask a Manager* Post author

            This isn’t about frightening people who would have to engage their brains — that’s a strange (and awfully rude) take. It’s about the culture of the site; more to the point, it’s about what culture I want for the site. I want a site where new readers or casual readers can drop in and be able to participate without having weeks of back story on someone’s posts, and one where they don’t feel they’ve stumbled into a cliquish or exclusionary group (which a lot of people reported was the vibe they were getting). And I want these threads to be centered around conversation with others.

            But everyone who was posting before is still welcome to post, and they’re still welcome to share about their lives. The new rules just ask that they make it a conversation, as opposed to more of a log of their lives. It’s actually a pretty minor tweak.

            The result of that tweak is much more aligned with what I want, and the feedback I’ve received on the new format has been overwhelmingly positive. But it’s absolutely true that it won’t be for everyone — no site will be. As I’ve tried to note throughout, whether things changed or stayed the same, some people would be unhappy and feel they were losing something.

            If it’s not for you, I fully support you finding another space that is. But I do want to note that it’s not cool to come here, post under a bunch of different names this week — some of them to post unkind responses to other people — and then call other people’s contributions inane and meaningless. That’s far more detrimental to the feel of the site than a new rule asking people to be conversational.

            1. StudentA*

              “But I do want to note that it’s not cool to come here, post under a bunch of different names this week — some of them to post unkind responses to other people — and then call other people’s contributions inane and meaningless. That’s far more detrimental to the feel of the site than a new rule asking people to be conversational.“

              Alison, I’m not sure who this is directed to, but I want to be clear I’ve been a reader for something like 10 years and I’d never do something that low. I have always been respectful towards you and admire the way you run your website and your advice.

              2. Hey Non Hey Non*

                StudentA, Alison’s reply is to the message just above hers that’s posted by Corinne. If you look at what Alison wrote, she quoted directly from Corinne’s message, so she’s not describing your behavior on the site.

          3. RagingADHD*

            It sounds like you have some very strong ideas for the way you want your own blog to be.

            That’s excellent. Anyone is entitled to start a blog anytime they want to, and moderate it any way they want to.

            I have run a couple of blogs myself, it can be a very engrossing & educational experience.

      3. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

        Not for anything, but I think Alison said specifically that this rule represents what SHE wants the open thread to look like. It’s not something that commenters bullied her into- it’s her site, her rules.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yes — it’s a return to what these threads were originally and what the goal always was, but which had gotten somewhat lost as I moderated less on the weekends.

      4. Sam I Am*

        I miss the checking in posts, too. Totally understand why Alison had to make a decision, though.

  54. Frozen foods*

    So I went into a freezer expedition and found things from … 2015! I know, yikes. Mostly different kinds of vegetables, store bought. Are they still any good? I am not good at using my frozen foods! How do you make sure you use your frozen foods? How long are they usually good for?

    1. WellRed*

      If they aren’t freezer burnt they are fine. Even if they are freezer burnt, still safe to eat, just doesn’t taste as good.

    2. fposte*

      It depends on what kind of frozen foods, but frozen veg are easy to nuke and enhance–grated parmesan, chili and lime, toasted breadcrumbs, a dash of sriracha, that kind of thing–and they feel like you’ve really cooked. Soup is also a great way to use most frozen veg, if you like it.

    3. Altair*

      Frozen food tends to degrade rather than rot — by which I mean it dries out, freezer-burns, breaks into smaller pieces, rather than supporting microbial infestation. So what you usually have to deal with is texture issues, which can be mitigated in dishes like gratins and soups, as others suggested.

    4. foolofgrace*

      I hate the taste and texture of freezer burn. I’d toss them out and replace them, vegs are less expensive to replace than meats.

    5. Koala dreams*

      When I write my shopping list for the week, I take a look at what’s in the fridge and freezer first. That way I can plan meals around what I already have, instead of buying yet another bag of the same thing. Food tends to linger around in the pantry, though…

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My dad got really mad when my mom made him throw out 20 year old frozen goods when they moved a few years ago. (The perils of a giant chest freezer – it can be really easy to lose stuff in the very bottom. Now they have an upright.) He insisted on bringing me some of it… and it went into the dumpster as soon as he was back out of my driveway. (Less hassle than arguing with him about it. :-P )

  55. CatCat*

    If you have an air fryer, what do you think of it?

    I was thinking of getting the Instant Pot air fryer lid since we have an IP. On one hand, I hate having to find space for another kitchen thing. On the other hand, reducing oven use in the summer would be great (it really warms up our apartment). We’d use it for vegetables and tofu. For 3 people so I’m actually not all that certain about size.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We chose one of their competitors because the ratings dropped when my husband ran the reviews through websites that only look at confirmed purchases. I specifically remember comments about uneven heating– so we got a Cosori. So far so good for bread including letting the dough rise, baked potatoes, french fries. Worthless for popcorn. We moved ours to the patio. I hadn’t considered tempura or anything else with breading, because I can imagine the coating falling through the fryer basket. But I’ll try anything once if someone else has had success.

      1. pancakes*

        Tempura is batter rather than breading—I think it would get very messy in an air fryer.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve had good results with a panko based breading on homemade chicken nuggets, but I’ve never tried a batter style.

    4. Jaid*

      I have to wait until they make one for the 3 quart one. If you do get it, let us know how it worked out?

    5. MissDisplaced*

      If you already have an IP get the fryer lid.
      I didn’t have one, so opted for a multi-use oven with an air fryer. We use the air fry setting all the time!

    6. Dan*

      Heh. I just bought a Ninja grill/air fryer combo.

      It’s worth noting that when one asks about an air fryer, there’s air fryers as stand alone units, and there’s air fryers as part of multi-purpose combo units. Ninja, for example, makes their air fryer as part of an instapot *or* grill combo.

      I went the combo route with the grill, and I absolutely love it as an apartment dweller.

      You ask about the air fryer in the context of an IP and reducing your oven usage. Other IP owners can weigh in, but I’m not sure that the IP/air fryer would reduce oven usage all that much. By comparison, my Ninja grill is the thing that actually reduces my oven usage. I’d the the area where you’d most likely decrease oven usage is for warming frozen foods like french fries and what not. If you’re making things from scratch, the recipes I would make in my air fryer I probably would not make in the oven. The grill very much does replace oven cooking.

      FWIW, my Ninja air fryer is a dream to clean up (I mean, it’s like the easiest kitchen gadget to clean up that I own.) That said, if you’re making stuff from scratch, the thicker the batter, the less satisfying air fryer results are going to be. I tried tempura green beans and asparagus with a thicker batter, and I wasn’t impressed. However, I tried Nashville fried chicken with a thinner butter milk batter, and I absolutely loved it.

  56. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Today on pondering other people’s logistics: how do folks allocate their charitable giving? Like, if you have a donation amount in mind, how do you decide whether you give one org $50 or five orgs $10 each? How do you decide, and how much research do you do, as to who you want to donate to? (Not asking who you donate to, but if you want to be that specific, by all means!)

    1. Morning reader*

      This is what I used to do when I was employed with 26 paychecks annually. With the twice of year extra paychecks, I would put whatever “extra” money I felt I could spare into a stack of $5 bills. Then I would take the donation envelopes from all the organizations I want to support (that I got mail from) and put a bill into each one until I ran out. If I had lots I would do 2 bills in each. If I had an unequal amount left over I would put it into my main choice. (For me that is Planned Parenthood, the rest are environmental or relief orgs.)
      Nowadays I am less organized and more likely to respond to spontaneous appeals. Lately I am giving more to local food bank, arts organizations who are hurting, and supporting protests I can’t attend. Things I have some connection with so I don’t feel a need to research as much. I don’t have a good strategy for not going overboard other than to keep donations small.

    2. Sunset Maple*

      I donate to organizations that have affected me personally. Feline rescues from whom I’ve adopted, an obscure disease research group for the disease that killed my mom, etc. I divide the amount up evenly among them.

      I’ve also switched to giving twice as much, but only every other year, to maximize tax benefits.

    3. lazy intellectual*

      Following this. I’m having trouble deciding which charities to set up recurring payments to, so I’ve been donating $100 to different charities each month. A lot of these nowadays have been driven by immediate needs due to *vaguely gestures around* everything that has been going on. March and April, I donated to food banks and people’s GoFundMe’s. This month, I’ve given to BLM and bail funds. I also want to start donating to some Patreons. I need to sit down and make a decision one of these days.

      1. ampersand*

        This is how my husband and I donate. “Oh, this org has a need for support for things that are happening right this second?” Yep, donate.

        Your donation list looks almost identical to my own, though we also have some recurring monthly donations to national organizations that do good work and whose values align with our own. And occasional donations to two organizations that plant trees locally and internationally.

        Do you feel like you have to set up recurring donations? Or are you wanting to do so so you don’t have to think about making a payment each month (ie, to make life easier)? If it’s the former, I wouldn’t feel pressure to do that–I would simply donate to whomever I felt like donating to that month. If it’s the latter and you’re having trouble deciding, you could pick a charity now and then change it up once or twice a year (basically, rotate who you donate to).

        1. lazy intellectual*

          Your last sentence is a good idea!

          I think the reason I feel some pressure to set up recurring donations is because I know organizations rely on repeat donors. But…there are also so many organizations to donate to. So idk. I feel good donating the way I do right now, but it’s possible that even setting up a monthly donation of $5 will do some good to an org that needs reliable donation streams.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I have a monthly budget for charitable cash giving, and probably about half of it is allocated to smallish recurring donations ($10 here, $5 there, that kind of thing), but the other half tends to go in one or two larger chunks as one-off donations.

            My recurring: Doctors Without Borders, ACLU, my local PBS station, the shelter I adopted my dog from, a local refugee assistance group, a local DV organization, and a local org that supports LGBTQ teens, plus I do a monthly Kiva loan and my Amazon Smile supports my state’s Planned Parenthood. Quantity kinda demands that they all have to be smallish donations – if I wanted to only do large donations, I’d have to narrow down my targets to way fewer organizations. Which is mostly what I was wondering when I asked the question – how do people decide whether they’d rather do many small donations vs one or two larger ones, or otherwise how to divide their donations. (I also just like hearing about people’s decision processes about … most things, really.)

      2. HBJ*

        You probably already know this but for anyone following – payments on Patreon aren’t really donations unless the organization you’re supporting is actually a nonprofit. If you’re giving to a musician or your favorite podcaster, it’s the equivalent of buying something from them. You can’t claim a tax deduction for it. You only can if they are an actual nonprofit in the eyes of a law, and most of the people and orgs on Patreon are not. Additionally, even if the org is a nonprofit, you can only deduct the difference in price between the amount you donated and the value of whatever (if anything) you were given in return.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          Oh, yes I understand this, but thanks for taking the time to write it out! I think I was thinking along the lines of “I need to plan out who I will be regularly giving my money to on a monthly basis” – but yeah my Patreon donations won’t be charity donations, technically.

    4. fposte*

      I have 4-5 recurring faves that I give to most years and then expect to have some additional inclinations each year, which may turn into recurring faves.

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      Our family gives the bulk of our donations to local charities providing food and shelter. We tend to do these around the winter holidays to take advantage of matching incentives and because we exchange donations instead of gifts with other adults in the family. Then we give $20 each during the year for things like local sports teams, sponsoring friends in races, and other personal interests. And we often give something at some point during the year for the big disaster of the moment and decide then how much and which organization to support. We prefer smaller organizations to ones like the Red Cross and United Way.

    6. Policy wonk*

      I have a few charities I support with fairly large amounts through payroll deduction – one for medical reasearch into a disease a person close to me has, one that feeds/clothes the poor, one that provides disaster relief. Throughout the year I will make donations as memorials when someone dies, or when there is a need – I have made several donations to local food banks during this strange time. I think it is better to give a larger amount to one or two charities. When I make smaller memorial gifts I always include a note explaining why and asking that they Not add me to their mailing list -there are two charities that have sent me far more in mailings than I gave them as a memorial!

      I check charity navigator before I donate, and if the percentage they spend on fundraising is significant I won’t donate.

    7. Dainty Lady*

      Along with this question, what percentage of post-tax income do people give? I just did a summary for our taxes and was not happy at an amount that seems a little stingy to me. :-/

      Recurring donations are to things like Drs Without Borders, Mercy Corps, regional food bank, local homeless support, public radio, and most recently the Equal Justice Initiative.

    8. Scrooge McDuck*

      We give in $50, $100, $250, $1,000 increments. The $50 ones are random and usually a go-fund-me thing or emergency fund. We, Mr. McDuck and I don’t consult each other on those and I would say about $100 a month goes out that way. $100 to arts organizations especially those who are in serving marginalized communities. About $250 a quarter go to community health and welfare like food banks. More now of course- and the new one- bail funds. 1,000 a year goes to an after school ed. center serving at risk kids. Mr. McDuck gives to political candidate. I have in the past but now only when a friend asks me to support a candidate. These donations usually come from discretionary funds like eating out and entertainment and travel. Given that we aren’t doing that lately we have been throwing random sums at civil rights and arts and ed organizations who are doing live streaming events.We double the suggested donation. Recently I bought a class set of books for 5th graders for summer reading. (not sure that counts)

  57. WellRed*

    Our WiFi router is centrally located so as to reach all 3 users. We need to move it to more accessible area like the living room and possibly upgrade equipment. Thoughts on extenders or something I think is called a mesh system? Be gentle. I’m not tech savvy.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I think Google Wifi is probably is probably the easiest kind of mesh WiFi setup to get going (not a lot of configuration options, but it just works). That said, if you don’t already have a Google WiFi router, you’d have to replace your own.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I always go to The Wirecutter website (just add dot com to the name) as a starting point for my tech stuff. I recall looking at them for mesh system info earlier this year. They have general info and recommendations. For this kind of stuff they do comment on how difficult/easy it is to install. Good luck!

    3. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I got a Netgear Nighthawk range extender back in 2018 (didn’t need to upgrade my router) when the configuration of my house made for very poor internet reception in the front rooms (L shaped house layout). It was easy to install/setup and use. I always YouTube it as well to watch videos on installing tech. Good luck!

    4. Bob Howard*

      Can any of your users use a wired network connection instead? If so, I suggest looking for a “powerline adaptor”. These gadgets transmit the ethernet signals using the mains wiring. You will need to buy one adaptor for your router and one for each user.

      Something like the Netgear PLP2000 has 2 ethernet ports, so you can use it for 2 devices, and has a pass-through socket so you do not consume a mains outlet. There are alternatives that include a wi-fi extender, so you can use a device like a phone that will not have an ethernet socket (RJ45) in the remote location. If you have a number of devices in one location (e.g. Television, Surround Amplifier, Cable TV Box) you can use a hub to connect them all to a single ethernet socket, and disable their wi-fi connections. This should increase the reliability of the connections.

      By default, these “Powerline” units encrypt the transmissions so you are secure. My experience in the UK, (so different building and wiring regulations) is that powerline networking of this type is far more reliable than wireless. I expect it is because you are not sharing the limited bandwidth with everybody else, because no-one else can connect to YOUR wires.

      This will not work if you have mains filters, electrically noisy or multi-phase wiring. Fortunately I have never had to get to grips with US domestic wiring configurations.

    5. Observer*

      A decent mesh system is a really good way to go. Not cheap, but but not outrageously expensive either.

      I have the Google WiFi system. It works well and is extremely simple to set up. You do have to do everything from your phone, but the app is pretty nice. There are plenty of other choices, so you should be able to find something that works well for your specific needs.

      Wireline extenders can work very nicely. BUT. If your electrical wiring is weird, you may have problems. Also, some work better than others – the good ones shouldn’t create a performance hit, but a lot of the less expensive ones are quite slow. I tend to recommend against them unless you know that you’re not going to have issues with the electrical work, and if you can find one that doesn’t reduce your speed. (You need to understand some fairly technical jargon to really figure this out, unless you fine a review that deals with this in really clear lay language.)

  58. KristinaL*

    Wallace and Laurie are so cute together! I get the impression that Wallace is feeling good, loving life, and Laurie feels safer with Wallace around.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Those two LOVE each other, and you nailed it on Laurie feeling safer with him. Wallace thinks Laurie is his kitten or his little brother or something and is constantly pinning him down to bathe him, and Laurie loves to snuggle up with him. (Laurie wants to snuggle with all the cats, but Wallace is his favorite.) I find them together all the time.

      1. sequined histories*

        Aww. Laurie is such an apt name for a brother-of-the-heart type who’s joined a big pre-existing family!

  60. Barking dog part 2?*

    So last week I asked about how to respond to a barking dog in my apartment. Thanks for y’all’s advice!

    I figured out the apartment and left a kind note, mostly focusing on the dog’s likely anxiety (no dog that barks for four hours can be happy/content). The dog is mostly quiet during the week, but on weekends, I think the owner must go out more frequently. It’s now Saturday again, and the dog is shaping up to be super barkey (I made the mistake of walking past the apartment).

    I baaaarely know the resident’s name. I def. want to be kind about this, and I’m super non-confrontational. But also, I’m home most Saturdays (and other days of the week, because pandemic) and I don’t think I can deal w/ the dog barking for multiple hours every Saturday.

    Suggestions? I hate to leave a series of notes on the door, but I’m also reluctant to take it to management.

    (My own city is not great at locking down, so other people may not be in the building, I have no idea the degree to which the dog is bothering other residents.)

    1. foolofgrace*

      I know you don’t want to take it to management but I don’t see an alternative. You’ve left a nice note and nothing has changed. This would drive me crazy. Good luck!

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      With dog issues, sometimes it takes a while to turn things around. Not forever, but it’s a kindness to give it more than a couple of days. Personally I would leave another note and something for the dog (like a Kong), but I am a dog owner and my buddy had some separation anxiety issues when he first came home. (They didn’t last long, thankfully, but it took a few weeks before we could leave the apartment without whining.)

      This is only, of course, if you get the impression that the owner is doing something– like the weekday quiet is new.

  61. Reba*

    Since we have had BA Test Kitchen appreciation threads before…. WHEW!

    How are we feeling about the call-outs and changes? I’m not that up on food media in general, how much do we think this is going to ripple out into the broader food world?

    Did anyone listen to Sohla’s appearance on the Sporkful Podcast about recent events?

    I must say, I am already on the record as adoring Sohla–and now I can only stan harder than ever before.

    1. PX*

      Ooof. Having had BA Test Kitchen as my escapism from the madness of the world the last few months, I was preeeeetty bummed when all this came out. Although as a BIPOC who pays attention to the media I consume, I had absolutely picked up on just how white the place was before Sohla and Priya became regulars.

      I’m a little dubious about how much change this will really bring to BA; from previous incidents (I think on the fashion publishing side?) I already knew Conde Nast as a whole are known for being pretty awful in terms of actually being a decent place to work for anyone who isnt white and/or rich. So while they may be saying all the right things now, the real test will be in what the actual organisation looks like 1 year from now I’d say.

      In terms of the broader food world? Who knows. But hopefully it does bring about some meaningful change.

      In conclusion, Sohla is an absolute badass though. I havent listened to the podcast (trying to preserve some joy in my life) but I’ve read some of the excerpts from it, and the fact that she was basically the one who pushed Rapaport to resign was…wow. I mean, a lot of it just seems like someone who is angry and tired and doesnt care if she loses her job over it (a sad starting point), but what she’s put into motion is honestly great. I just hope it sticks.

      1. Reba*

        It’s definitely an epic entry in the “Your Faves are Problematic” open-ended series.

    2. brightstar*

      Reba, I had just started watching BA Test Kitchen when the pandemic started and have been following the goings on as much as possible. I think Sohla is awesome, but her silence when asked about her white co-workers on the Sporkful was really telling. I was surprised to see how much Molly spoke out.

      I think it’s already having ripple effects, but that there’s a long way to go.

      1. Reba*

        Agree. I’m sure a lot of it feels like too little, too late to Sohla and other POC on staff. But it’s nevertheless admirable to see white folks using their platforms. I thought Molly’s statement that she posted on IG was good and seemed genuine.

    3. Washi*

      I started watching the BA Test Kitchen videos during the pandemic and had noticed mainly that there don’t seem to be any black staff members I think? Which struck me as weird in NYC. So then the issues Sohla raised did not surprise me. But I’m still confused about the pay structure – I had assumed that everyone was hired to do videos and that their salary was their salary…but it seems some contributors get paid extra to be in videos and some don’t?

      In terms of effects…I kind of feel like you can’t fix something like BA without fundamentally changing its character. Like if you translate an English language book about the US into another language, it’s now comprehensible to someone else, but the content/tone/feel of the book will stay American. BA feels like a very culturally white publication to me, and yes, they should hire more staff of color and address pay equity issues etc but I feel skeptical that these changes, important as they are, will get at the heart of why it is hard to be a person of color working in food.

      I think this is why it’s so important to support POC-owned businesses/publications, not that being a POC makes you infallible, but that those viewpoints are desperately needed and deserve to have a platform.

      1. pancakes*

        If you’re looking for food publications owned by POC to support, I’m waiting on my first issue of Whetstone magazine to arrive and it looks really good. (There’s a digital version too if you’re not a paper hoarder like me!) I also subscribe to email newsletters by Alicia Kennedy and Jonathan Nunn and they’re terrific. The latter is called Vittles.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Ooh thanks! This is one of my “holy shit it’s the LEAST I can do” steps — trying to redirect my $ to POC-owned companies.

      2. Reba*

        Re: pay, most of the people on the YT shows work for the magazine as writers and/or recipe writers. It sounds like some were doing the videos in addition to their “main” job, and some had been able to negotiate compensation specifically tied to the videos. I believe Brad solely does videos now, and Claire is a freelance contributor.

        Re: BA as a culturally white publication — well put. This link is an essay that addresses the Alison Roman blowup but it delves into the working of whiteness and diverse “influences” in the culinary world, and the presumption of white readership/audience. Navneet Alang talks through the complexity of this particular kind of erasure so well:
        https://www.eater.com/2020/5/20/21262304/global-pantry-alison-roman-bon-appetit

    4. Parenthetically*

      Right here stanning Sohla SO HARD. She was already our #1 BA crush but we love her even more now. She demanded Rapo’s resignation IN A ZOOM MEETING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?!? like she is ultimate badass.

      We aren’t watching any BA stuff until this is all solved, and are really watching Sohla and Priya. If they leave I think it’s a sign that BA hasn’t learned anything, but if they stick around? I mean Sohla isn’t going to stay if they just do some handwaving in the direction of “inclusivity” or whatever bullshit.

      1. Reba*

        I am making Sohla’s date sticky buns this morning. We have been eating her lentil fritters weekly. (I saved these recipes previously so I can at least say I’m not giving clicks…??? don’t know quite what to do there.)

        I cannot WAIT for her to write a cookbook so I can order 20 copies.

        Her DGAF call out made me think, “Yessss, Sohla knows her worth!!!!”

  62. mentee*

    I’m in a mentorship program and am feeling lost.

    It’s a 4 month program where professional authors chose mentees with manuscripts they were willing to give 2 to 3 rounds of feedback to. Mentees were announced at the end of April.

    I got feedback for the first half of my manuscript at the end of May, and haven’t gotten any feedback for the second half. Other mentees got full feedback within the first few weeks of May, and some have already submitted their revised manuscripts for a second round of feedback.

    My mentor has been busy with their children and with editing their own manuscripts, both of which I understand take priority over me.

    But I feel like I’m falling way behind everyone else. And the cycle of being promised feedback by x date, getting excited and compulsively checking my e-mail, only to get nothing, has been disappointing and stressful. I haven’t been in contact with my mentor in two weeks, and I’m wondering if she’s changed her mind about mentoring me.

    I started editing the second half of my manuscript a few days ago because I didn’t want to keep postponing working on parts I’ve been anxious to change. (You’re not supposed to edit work you’re waiting for feedback on, but I figured it should be okay to do so at this point?)

    Is there something I should be doing to handle this better? I’m hesitant to reach out to my mentor because I don’t want to nag them and don’t want to be given more dates they’ll get feedback to me by if they’re actually too busy to get it done.

    1. PX*

      I say reach out to your mentor framing the problem as a whole. Ask if you should do anything different, if they want to do something different, and (this may be slightly too honest) ask them if they can actually commit to what they signed up for.

      I’d also reach out to whoever organises this thing and ask for any advice given your situation. If this is a somewhat organised program, they should know how to handle this/support you.

      1. mentee*

        Do you have any suggestions for scripts? I’m a ball of anxiety over this and am blanking.

        1. mentee*

          Nevermind about scripts! Just sent a message to be done with it.

          Thanks for the advice!

    2. ARTIFACTS. ART. LIFE-FORMS. AND. MISC.*

      Did you pay to become a mentee?

      Is your mentor being payed?

      I’d probably handle it differently depending on the answers to those questions, but I agree with PX: first ask the mentor and get a feel for whether or not this arrangement is really working. If not, then talk to whoever is coordinating this activity. If / how much money has changed hands would dictate how hard I would push on the matter.

      1. mentee*

        I didn’t pay any money to submit my manuscript for consideration. And mentors aren’t getting paid to do this.

    3. today's question*

      You could also ask the organizers for help if the mentor doesn’t respond since it seems there is an overarching organization.

  63. Mimmy*

    Maybe it’s my imagination but the font seems a bit smaller. I tried changing the default font using the thingy on the web page but it didn’t do anything.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      The font size hasn’t changed, but a WordPress update broke the plugin I’d been using to let people adjust the size themselves, so that feature is now gone. But most devices now let you zoom in or out yourself (like the suggestion above, which hopefully will solve it)!

  64. Window Blinds*

    Any good or bad reviews for online window treatment companies, particularly with wood/faux wood blinds?

    I need to replace broken shades ASAP because the sun is baking our piano, and the jerry-rigged beach towel is not cute. I’m also interested in safety features for troublemaker cats–I’ve heard that cordless blinds break easily. True?

    Your experiences appreciated!

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      I’ve ordered twice from blinds.com (fabric honeycomb shades) and been very happy with the pricing and quality. I’ve got faux wood blinds from Home Depot and they’re very heavy and tough to adjust.

    2. Ronda*

      well… not wood blinds….. but I did house sit for someone with top down, bottom up blinds and kind of liked them. I did see them available at ikea, but I would bet there are others.

      no cords. can cover whatever section of the window you want covered but allow another part to be open.
      not sure what problems they might have as I didnt really live with them.

    3. Anono-me*

      I found with excitable pets that like to look out the window that vertical blinds work much better than horizontal. I also learned to get a couple of spares.

    4. The pest, Ramona*

      I’ve used blinds.com twice, for 3 sets of regular metal blinds, one set of top down/ bottom up shades. They were quick to get my order filled, and quick to fix their mistake on one set at no charge. Price was decent too.

  65. Gina reporting*

    Diamonds versus Moissanite:
    If you were on a limited budget and these were your only 2 options, which would you choose?
    -Minimalist silver ring with 1/10 carat diamond in the center or
    -Moissanite half pave eternity ring (more stones, not diamond)

    And why? Currently debating…(not other colors, no other stones, just these only)

    1. Ranon*

      I’d do mossanite- more sparkly and colorful. As long as it feels like a choice and not a compromise- I’m not a big diamond person so it wouldn’t feel like a loss to me to not have one.

    2. Anonymous because reasons*

      I like diamonique from QVC. It’s cheap and I have some lovely solitaire pieces that aren’t flashy or that scream FAKE! (not that I actually care!)
      But I would go for the real diamonds between the choice you’ve given bc I like the understated look.

    3. Adhara (UK)*

      As long as you’re happy with knowing it’s moissonite, I think it’s a great price alternative to diamond. In regards to daily wear and tear, moissanite is more than acceptable (and cheaper to replace if something happens!)

      I’d go with the half eternity myself: because more shinies, but I also don’t like sticking up settings on my rings; more chance to catch and ping out the stone (which is rare ish nowadays, but can happen).

    4. Valancy Snaith*

      Hmm. If it were me, I’m not sure I’d opt for either. I wouldn’t opt for silver because it tarnishes, and I don’t care for pave because the settings are frequently less secure (more stones = more chances for one to get lost). If glitter is important, I’d say the moissanite, but if you care deeply about having a true diamond, the first.

      1. Sunset Maple*

        Same, for the reasons you mention.

        Is estate jewelry an option? Already-existing diamonds are a good loophole, IMO. I have an antique solitaire from the 40s, and I paid less than $400 for .35 carats.

    6. tab*

      I’m on team Moissanite. I don’t like how diamonds are mined, and how their price is kept high by limiting availability.

    7. CoffeeforLife*

      I’d do the eternity band because I like more sparkle. 1/10 is small and you’ll mostly be seeing the reflection of the silver. I make jewelry/silversmith so the inflated price of diamonds is such a turn off for me.

      I follow a couple of estate jewelry resellers on Instagram and the prices are much more palatable than “new” I like sincityfinds and gildedlane -not affiliated with them :)

    8. Eeeek*

      Personally I’d go for lab created diamond, doesn’t have the fakey look of moissanite but it’s way cheaper!

      1. Eeeek*

        Oh I’d also highly recommend gold over silver, silver isn’t really lifelong jewelry because you have to polish it all the time and it’ll be tarnished. Or if the cash just really isn’t there right now get a placeholder with CZ and save up for what you really want! Or go vintage, same gold and diamonds but often lesser price

    9. Claire*

      I’d pick the minimalist silver and diamond option. I prefer my jewellery to be understated and elegant, and I’m not fussed about ‘sparkle’ (it can look cheap and tacky, and the pave setting doesn’t suit my aesthetic). I don’t care about whether it’s a genuine diamond or not (prices being artificially inflated as they are), but the style and setting are important.

    10. Anxious Cat Servant*

      Hm. I think for me the overall ring design would matter most. With the diamond you’d want it to compliment the rest of the design rather than be the focus, necessarily. Also which looks best on your hand. When we were choosing my engagement ring I found that anything past (I think) .6 carats looked silly on my tiny hands. So a well-designed small diamond ring might look far better than a flashy and generic moissanite ring or the diamond could look lonely and lost while the moissanite looks gorgeous.

      So how’s that for a non-answer?

    11. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Mine sounds like your first option, though it’s Rh-plated white gold (not significantly more expensive but very much more hardwearing than, and same colour as, good silver).

      I think it entirely depends on your general style. I typically wear no other jewellery, so my engagement and wedding rings are absolutely minimal: plain, narrow band (I can’t remember if they’re 2mm or 3mm wide) and one small stone in a classic setting.

      Nowadays I would tend to try to avoid conflict diamonds, at which point a lab-created option (whether strictly diamond or something else) would likely be the best option. I would not want a colourful stone – again, stylistically minimal – but that doesn’t mean it has to be carbon!

    13. blackcat*

      The only reason I have a ring with a diamond is that the stone has a cool family history. I’d stay away from silver because it can be high maintenance.

    15. RagingADHD*

      I’d go for a small diamond. Not a fan of big bling anyway.

      I’m not familiar with moissanite IRL, but from the photos I’ve seen, it looks more flat and glassy to me. I’d prefer a colored stone.

    16. Alexandra Lynch*

      Well, we’re in the market for an engagement ring, and I am going for about a carat or so of ruby with some flanking diamonds, in white gold or platinum. I like colored stones more than diamonds.

  66. Mothra*

    Help… I thought I had beaten the clothes moths but it must have just been weather. I’ve been fighting this for 2 years now. Orkin wanted to come every 2 months, and although I might have given in and done it now, I can’t have strangers in the house that often with covid-19. Sticky pheromone traps can’t catch enough. I just put more of my wool clothes in the freezer, and I expect I’ll have to throw them out.

    1. fposte*

      Sympathies. I lost a ton to the great carpet beetle influx and the little buggers are definitely still in the house sometimes.

  67. Tim Skirvin*

    I just want to say that your black kitty looks exactly like my beloved Jesse, who I adopted 15 years ago today and who died about three years ago and I miss him deeply. So every time you post a picture I do a double take and I am nostalgiac for a few minutes.

    That’s all. Carry on.

          1. Tim Skirvin*

            I actually do still load up a news reader on a daily basis, but it’s much more limited than it once was. And the spam problem isn’t the issue anymore, so that’s nice!

  68. Anon Funeral*

    My grandfather passed away this month. He passed so quickly that his doctor didn’t think there was any need for hospice yet. He was fortunate to be able to die at home like he wanted. While we weren’t close, to say the least, I had always intended to go to his service. I thought it would give me closure.

    His service is this weekend. I decided not to go, but most of the extended family is coming: dozens of people of all ages from multiple states. I am skipping the service, because I’m at high risk for COVID, but I’m terrified I’m going to lose my entire family to this decision. They are very much COVID deniers, while COVID infections and deaths continue rising here, so it’s not impossible. OTOH, my grandfather would love to have taken people with him when he died, so maybe it’s as it should be.

    Anyway, I’m conflicted about how I feel about it all, but I fear my family will be much smaller by the end of the year. I don’t really need condolences, but sympathy for being related to people who make bad decisions would be welcome.

    1. Altair*

      You have all my sympathy. My family are fundamentalist Christians and I pretty much ran away as soon as my schooling was done.

      May you be comforted, and I send hugs from a small soft woman if you would like them.

    2. Anon Funeral*

      I realized I didn’t ask my question: How have others dealt with grief and funeral services when you are unable to attend?

      I am firmly on the “funerals & memorials are for the living side”, and since my grandfather is being cremated, I don’t understand the hurry to gather everyone together. In the past, we have waited years, even decades to scatter ashes.

      1. Sunset Maple*

        I’m so sorry to hear this. My whole family has been waiting since April to fly to Seattle for a service for my aunt, who was cremated. We are hoping to do it in the fall.

        You are making the right decision. You can’t keep someone alive through your memories if you die going to their funeral.

      2. HannahS*

        Yeah, we lost my grandfather (who lived overseas) last month. At the time I was living with my parents, so my immediate family were all able to go virtually attend the funeral and mourn together; for me, that was the important thing. We’d lost my grandmother only a few months earlier, and what made that loss so much sadder and more difficult is that I was utterly by myself when I heard, and only able to travel home several days later, and even so, my parents and brother had flown away to go to the funeral. We spoke by video chat every day, but it still sucked.

        1. Anon Funeral*

          My family refused to do a virtual funeral, but said they “might” take pictures. Honestly, I think they don’t want proof of what they’ve done. They’ve always been secretive and worried about “outsiders,” for all the usual reasons. They are considering have a memorial service later this year, which I may attend, if they are going to be reasonable about it.

          My condolences on your losses.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      I am sorry you’re going through this. It’s really hard. Go ahead and feel all your feelings.
      You can suggest to family members having another memorial a year from now even if there’s little chance it would happen. (It shows you wanted to go.) Ask people to take lots of photos for you; funerals tend to be one last gathering of the clan.
      Yes, you have my sympathy for being related to people who make bad decisions.

    4. Anxious Cat Servant*

      I’m sorry. I’ll be astonished if my parents and my dad’s siblings manage to come out of this without having had COVID because they’re all firmly in the camp of “it’s just a flu” and “masks are for wimps.” I don’t have any advice, just sympathy for that deep, deep frustration. I feel like the one person who can see the tidal wave approaching as so many people I love continue to play on the beach.

    5. blackcat*

      I’m sorry about this. I don’t have outright COVID deniers in my family, but my father is taking stupid risks despite living with my mom and brother who are very high risk.
      My grandmother (dad’s mom) keeps demanding people come take her out of her retirement community rather than just the lawn picnics currently permitted (which she doesn’t want to do because it’s so hot). My grandmother is 94 and would totally be okay dying of COVID, and she doesn’t seem particularly swayed by the idea of not taking people out with her…

    6. KeinName*

      I am sorry that you have to fear your family will not understand your decision! And i‘m sorry you cannot get the closure you planned on by going to the service. Stay safe!

    7. Pamela Adams*

      Perhaps you could make a donation in his honor to some cause he supported, or would have approved of. For instance, my mom was a long-term Red cross volunteer, so I still donate to them in her memory.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I understand this from my own (different) experience. I lost 11 family member in 5 years. This includes my husband but if you count the dog add one more.

      First and foremost I’d suggest learning about the grieving process, all the various things we grieve and all the ways grief manifests. Knowledge is power.

      The next thing I’d recommend is build “Team You”. This can be as big or as small as you want and it can be anybody you want. It could be a church group or it could be a doc/therapist, it could be a neighbor or it could be a couple good friends. I built a mixed group of professionals and friends, church people and cohorts at volunteer work.
      The point is to not let yourself fall into isolation. And that can be whatever that sentence means to you.

      Last. Watch less news. It’s not that helpful at this point for you. (I gave up a while ago. I allow me x minutes of news a day and that is it. But I can scan fast so there’s that.)

      We dunno what the future holds and that can get to the point of being surreal and scary. You have a good start here, you are reaching out to this group. [Very smart move, I might add. This is quite a group!] Now start thinking of other ways to add sincere, good people to your life. Go slow, pick well chosen people. Covid restrictions may make this harder but there are still plenty of people who want to connect with others.

      1. Anon Funeral*

        They have done incredibly risky and stupid things as a family in the past, and all survived, so perhaps they’ll make it through this as well. However, the last time was when I went low contact with them. They not only risked their own lives, but also first responders, pretty much the same as now. Risking your own life is a choice, but deliberately risking other people’s lives is immoral.

        I am mostly concerned about my cousins’ young children, since they don’t have any choice in this. But there is nothing I can do about it but wait.

    9. nep*

      Sorry for your loss.
      And I can relate. You have my sympathies (and empathy) for being related to people who make bad decisions.
      My brother and his wife are deniers (and she works in a hospital!). They’ve been hanging out, having people over, going to bars. My brother went to a cousin’s house to hang out after a family funeral earlier this week. It’s really scary because the thing I care most about in the entire universe is the well-being of my grand-niece–her own health and preventing her being traumatized by several of the adults in her life dying in quick succession. But I have zero control over it. She spends a lot of time at my brother’s pool. I can only hope they don’t come in close contact but I doubt it. It’s maddening, paralyzing…and always brings me back to: how much control do we ever have anyway?
      As I’ve said before, if only the ones making really bad decisions amid the pandemic would be the only ones affected by their stupidity; but alas…

    11. Anne Shirley*

      Please accept my sympathy for being related to people who make bad decisions. One of my dearest friends died in another state about a month ago. She was immune compromised. Her entire family are Covid deniers- (mask, we don’t need masks, its just a flu) She was 68.
      There was no testing therefore how would one know if it was Covid?
      I applaud your decision not to go. I myself have been feeling “caution fatigue” but was reminded in the last day or so that my risk is the same as it was in March.
      Sit tight. Remember your grandfather by doing good in his name, write or tell stories of times together, zoom or phone old friends who knew you when.
      Also hope for the best. When this all started (I had just returned from Italy) people would shake their heads at me and say, “You are over-reacting.” The perfect response from me is “I hope you are right.” And I do.

  69. Syls*

    Looking for good international tv recommendations on Netflix or Prime. All countries welcome! Subtitles preferred to dubbing.

    Giri/Haji is already on the list :)
    Shout out of thanks to whomever recommended Crash Landing on You a couple of weeks ago! So good!

    1. WellRed*

      In Netflix two international mysteries I like were the accident and the disappearance, both French. I also liked bonus families, Swedish blended family drama/comedy. Deadwind, Finnish mystery.

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      La Mante is French with English subtitles. Crime mystery (content warning: violence, sexual violence). We were GRIPPED.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Ooh, bookmarking. That sounds right up my alley.

        I’ve been bingeing Hannibal, which finally made it to Netflix. OMG I LOOOOOOOOVE it, even though it took a very hard right turn from the books that I did not see coming. All the actors are fantastic.

    5. CatCat*

      Dark (German). Total mind bender. The third and final season will be out next weekend.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        This show is fantastic! I didn’t know it would be out so soon, thanks for the reminder!

      2. ThatGirl*

        We’ve been rewatching S1 and 2 in anticipation of next weekend and it really is a mind bender. They must have planned it all out so well.

      4. CTT*

        Yesssss! I’m almost done with my season 1 rewatch in anticipation of season 3. While I am of course very invested in the fate of the universe, I REALLY want to know what happened to Waller’s eye.

      5. Elizabeth West*

        YES YES YES
        Definitely watch it in German. The English dub is horrendous. It flattens the actors’ performances so badly, ugh.

    6. Pharmgirl*

      Dark (German) sci-fi thriller
      Babylon Berlin (German) historical crime fiction
      Sacred Games (Hindi) modern crime thriller
      Bonfire of Destiny (French) historical drama about a real event (charity bazaar fire) – love this one
      Follet (Swedish) – half hour mystery / dark comedy

    8. ThatGirl*

      It’s a short documentary style food show, but we enjoyed The Taco Chronicles (Mexico of course). It might make you very hungry.

    10. LNLN*

      Here are some more Korean shows on Netflix (glad you like Crash Landing on You!). What I usually like about these shows is the relationships:
      Stranger- thriller/conspiracy show with an investigating prosecutor and a police detective (Bae Donna plays the detective-love her!)
      Live- about rookie cops
      Something in the Rain- a romance between a 30-something woman and the younger brother of her best friend, and her coming to terms with (and fighting) sexism in her workplace
      Hospital Playlist- 5 doctors who work at the same hospital went to medical school together and are best friends
      The King: Eternal Monarch- fantasy show about alternate/parallel universes

    11. Llama face!*

      I love The Untamed. It’s a Chinese fantasy with complicated storyline, beautuful soundtrack and really gorgeous costumes (if you notice that sort of thing). Apparently each character’s costumes were inspired by different historical Chinese styles and I pretty much want to own and wear them all. I loved the fact that some of the little details at the start of the show only make sense after you get to the end. It has a fair bit of violence just fyi.

      The Princess Weiyoung (Chinese historical drama, revenge, secret identities, complicated relationships, royalty)

      The New Legends of Monkey is in English but it’s a quirky-weird fun Australian series inspired by a famous Chinese story (Journey to the West). I had a lot of fun watching it.

      If you watch animated shows, Miraculous is technically a French-language kid’s show but it is very punny!

      Some K-dramas I enjoyed:
      Man to Man (spies, fake boyfriend, love story combo)
      Bad Guys (more noir-ish and warning if you don’t like serial killer/hit man themes. An angry police detective forms a team made up of criminals to hunt down criminals. Lots of melodramatic plot twists but the ending isn’t too depressing.)

    12. Pippa K*

      I’ve really enjoyed El Ministerio del Tiempo (Spanish, obvs) on Netflix. It’s about a secret government agency that guards the ‘doors of time‘ to keep people from changing Spanish history. There are 3 series of it available now, I think.

      1. Recent Grad*

        Mortel (French) it’s a really cool take on modern supernatural/mystery. The characters are also a lot more diverse than most French tv shows I’ve watched. It does start a little slow.
        Also La Mante (French) as previously recommended, it’s dark but addictive.

  70. Call me St. Vincent*

    Has anyone done furniture rental? We are moving cross-country with limited furniture into a month-to-month rental while we build a house that will be done by January-February. One possibility is to buy some furniture that will fit in the new house and just use it in the rental and then move it. Another I thought of was to rent stuff, but I am not really sure where to start for that or if it’s cost effective. Anyone have any experience with that?

    1. Ronda*

      i recently moved with no furniture. the apartment complex i am in now actually had a furnished apartment available as well as unfurnished. I think they were maybe charging $100 dollars more a month.

      for some reason I really wanted a matress that was just mine…. so I went for unfurnished.
      But with a temporary place, renting seems like a good idea. And the living room furniture orders seem to take about 6 to 8 weeks to be delivered…. I am guessing rental places would deliver faster.

    2. ChatNoir*

      I would wait to buy furniture until you’re in the house. It’s hard to know how you’ll live in the house and how you want it to look in terms of specific furniture pieces until you’ve been there a while. We rented a house while renovating our house, and bought an ikea sofa (which we gave away when we moved back into our house) and we lived with minimal furniture during the renovation, and it wasn’t too bad since we knew it was temporary. January isn’t that far away, although I will say construction always takes longer than you hope, so the month-to-month lease is good. Maybe you can see what you can pick up cheaply or for free once you get there and decide what you need until your house is ready. And Ronda is right — it can take a couple of months to get delivery on certain furniture orders anyway.

    3. Alex*

      You might find that renting is more expensive than buying some cheap or secondhand furniture and then selling it on craigslist or whatever when you are ready to part with it. That way you know how much your cost is up front, in case your house takes longer to build than you think, or you aren’t quite ready to buy all new furniture the moment you move into your new house. If you buy a couch for $500, it’s yours for 6 months or 12 months, but if you are paying $50 a month (just making up that price) you’re going to go over that amount after 10 months. And you could potentially sell it for $100 when you are done with it.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        This this this this. Rental isn’t worth it. Just buy something cheapo and dump it on some college students for a few bucks when you’re done.

        I got a futon because I wanted an extra bed and couldn’t really afford a fold-out sofa, but I hated it. So I eventually replaced the futon with a twin platform bed frame—the kind that folds in half, but not a camp bed or cot—and a used mattress I bought from a friend, and made it up to look like a daybed. It made a very comfy sofa I could lie on. Plus, because it was a platform bed, it had some storage room underneath.
        Here’s what it looked like: https://i.imgur.com/GoKiD30.jpg. It doesn’t have to be perfect if you’re in a temporary location.

        The frame cost $99 and I paid $20 for the mattress. I had twin bedding already. The coverlet and skirt came from Walmart. All of it was very cheap and it was easy to move (I saved the box), although I did donate the mattress because I didn’t want to store it (I’ll get another). If you’ll be in a house, you might have room for an extra bed, or you can donate/sell it.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      Six months use is right at the balance point between renting and buying. Moving furniture is not cheap.
      If it were going to be a year, it would be worth buying, because you would pretty much pay as much in rent as to buy outright. If two or three months, moving stuff might cost more than the rental.
      Most of the furniture rental places sell their returns fairly inexpensively. (That’s how I got my previous couch. I kept it two years, then got a good one when I could afford it.) Maybe buy a few things cheaply, and plan to resell or give them away when you move to your permanent place? Or buy a few things and rent some others?
      The thing is, a lot of people don’t have the resources to buy all new, good quality furnishings for the whole house at the same time they’re buying the house. Second hand or inexpensive things that will last you a few years and be replaced gradually can make a lot of sense.

    5. IntoTheSarchasm*

      My sister did this for a 4-5 month rental. It worked very well for her as she was alone and hauling furniture up a flight to her rental was too much. They delivered it, set it up and picked it up when she was done. And the price was reasonable, especially for the convenience. It wasn’t some sort of rent to own place, it catered more the temporary residents/snowbirds so that was their business model.

  71. Call me St. Vincent*

    Second question: has anyone ordered a mattress from the company Saatva? I was thinking of ordering their youth mattress for my daughter, but not sure if it’s worth the price. I am looking for something that will last for several years for her and that will be comfortable.

    1. Alex*

      I have one. I like it OK. I’ve had it about a year and a half and it’s fine. Not amazing, but fine.

  72. Aphrodite*

    Finances!

    I find that I am less inclined to spend money on things I don’t truly need than before. It has nothing to do with work as the college where I am employed (in California) has had us all working from home since mid-March and all salaries and benefits are fully intact.

    But being careful to stay as risk-free as possible–no eating out, no mingling in person, keeping to myself when I do have to go out, minimizing or even eliminating in-person contact or socializing and so on–has somehow worked itself into my financial world as well. I don’t browse home decor websites (a former favorite) because I simply have no interest in buying anything. What has changed, I noticed, is that I am more focused on my credit union because I love watching my debt go way, way down and my savings continuing to go up.

    I think I am in love with numbers rather than, say, lamps, now. It makes me laugh.

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Yesssss it’s an amazing feeling watching the numbers change! At the start of COVID I was saving every penny I could and I was actually able to save more in these last 3 months than I have in 2 years of working (sad I know).

      I’ve loosened the purse springs now, mostly still spending on getting delivery/takeaway rather than makeup/clothes. BUT I still have the desire to look at makeup and clothes etc. Right now the only “splurge” i do is on groceries but really hoping to continue this momentum when life goes back to “normal.”

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      Yes! Our spending wasn’t out of control before, but this has given us a lot clearer picture of what our priorities are for our money. And to really appreciate the security of having savings.

  73. Courageous cat*

    YOGA! One of my new fav topics. Who’s been doing/has done 30 days of Yoga with Adriene?

    I just did day 6 two days ago and good lord you would never know how much you use your abs for stability when driving until you do a workout like that. I have never been so sore after a 20-something minute, extremely low impact workout. My lower ribs have hurt to the touch for two days now.

    That said… I can’t wait to go back for more. I love Adriene so much and I love her damn dog and I love that she doesn’t push me so hard that I hate it, just hard enough that I feel it the next day.

    Anyone have any good yoga success stories? I’d love to one day just be a lean, lithe yoga machine but I also know I will have to lose a good 30 pounds to get there.

    1. ampersand*

      Ha! I can relate to not knowing how much you use your abs until they hurt–I’ve started up with (mat) pilates again and it’s intense. My abs hurt for three straight days this past week after one 20 minute pilates workout! That’s actually my success story about getting lithe and strong: it was pilates, not yoga. I did yoga on and off for years, then switched to pilates; I prefer the faster pace. I realize that isn’t exactly the answer you were seeking!

      That said, I love Adriene’s videos. She seems super down to earth and relatable. I’ve done her stretching videos for neck/shoulder pain and that’s been a life safer. I know a handful of people who swear by her videos for yoga, especially in the age of yoga-at-home-while-quarantined. It’s great that you’re enjoying your workouts and are seeing (feeling) some change already!

      1. Courageous cat*

        Thank you! I have literally never done pilates or known anyone who has. Other than the faster pace, what do you like about it?

        1. ampersand*

          The faster pace means it gets my heart rate up–the cardio component is nice! I try to do a mix of cardio + strength training, and I like that pilates combines the two. It’s also challenging enough that I don’t have time to think about other things. On the other hand, pilates can also be made as easy or as difficult as you like (there are basic modifications to make almost any move easier), so on days when I’m feeling tired or sore or don’t have a ton of energy, I can make my workouts easier and still feel like I’m getting a decent workout.

          TL;DR: it’s challenging, adaptable, gets me out of my head, and is also a cardio workout

          1. Courageous cat*

            Good info! Thank you! I might give it a shot once I’m done with the 30 day yoga.

    2. Sandra Dee*

      I have started Yoga with Adriene. I am convince she has no bones in her body. And the dog is adorable (I have a weakness for dogs). I would like to be half as flexible as her.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Dude, she makes everything look SO EASY and I’m like, ha! I’m sure I can do that! Then halfway through I realize I’m screeching and she’s just gracefully walking me through it and expending no effort whatsoever. Unbelievable.

    3. anon24*

      I’ve done all of her 30 days series, some in 30 days, and one or 2 over a longer period of time, and my goal for this summer is both to get back into running and to complete one of her 30 day power yoga challenges on her membership – but its been over 30 days already and I’m only on like day 10 because its so hard. I love Adriene and she’s been great for my mental health and great for helping me feel better about my body.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Agree! It’s so weird, I don’t normally vibe with any instructor telling me positive things, I just kind of roll my eyes, but something about Adriene is SO trustworthy and genuine. It actually does make me feel better about myself. So wild.

    4. self employed*

      I really like the Down Dog app. It has been worth the payment and I use it daily.

    5. Ronda*

      I havent used the Adriene videos but I am looking forward to when we can get back to group yoga classes.

      I have really liked and learned something from all but one of my yoga teachers. (even the one I didnt like did teach me something)

      And I can really tell the yoga is good for me.

      I do like the attitude of do what you can / caring that I get from the instructors vs the work harder bootcamp type of instruction.

    6. Christmas Carol*

      Never did stick with it long enough to become a tall thin blonde woman, but I do credit yoga, and Peter, my local yoga teacher, with my ability to walk today. After knee surgery, I looked into a new yoga studio opening up in my town. As luck would have it, I ended up in a class led by a taught who had undergone a knee replacement by the same doctor who did my reconstruction. I figured why not, at least he would understand where I was coming from. Peter and the yoga classes did more for me than my rehab ever dreamed of doing. I’m sure I would not be walking today if not for this. I only quit when i just couldn’t stretch my budget to cover the classes any longer, and of course now that I’m working again, class just doesn’t fit in the schedule. Just wish I had had the self discipline to keep it up at home, sigh.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I really want to try her videos. I brought my Pilates video and all my dumbbells, etc. but I haven’t been motivated to do anything. I think it’s the lack of light in this basement. I feel like a mushroom, lol.

  74. Pestered*

    Anyone have any experience with rodent issues as a tenant?
    Basic problem: mice in our basement unit. The apartment is in an old home (100 years ish) that has was converted at some point into three apartments, one on each floor. My roommate has lived here for four years, and it’s always been an off/on problem for her, but in the last few months it’s felt far more frequent. We’ve trapped or found half a dozen since April, and we hear them in the walls pretty constantly. Pest control company has said it’s a problem now in the walls or plumbing; they aren’t coming in from the outside. Since the current owner has no blueprints/plans they don’t know where to start with more invasive wall-opening measures. (Is it this drain or that drain? Does this plumbing connect here or there? Ceiling or walls? Etc.)

    Pest control company needs responses from the landlord and the landlord insists the pest control company is unwilling to be helpful and wants a different company. What can we do? I’ve been trying to document every instance, our follow up, and what the pest control reps have said each time, but since the landlord isn’t the owner himself, he seems to not care or consider it a problem needing urgent attention. (Most recent incident was two weeks ago; despite several attempts, landlord has not sent anyone from pest control, different company or not, yet.)

    Ancillary details: we have one cat and a dog who also enjoys hunting; mice still make appearances. I’m not actually on the lease myself as I moved in post-covid so I’m relying on my roommate to communicate. We’re in an area of a major west coast city where we are definitely underpaying re: market price, so I’m concerned that too much of a fuss will just mean a rent hike that might be unaffordable.

    Would it be worth it to get a lawyer involved?

    1. fposte*

      Whether it’s worth getting a lawyer involved will depend on the law in your area; it’s also something to do very carefully if you’re worried about the possibility of not having a lease renewed. I’m not quite getting the emphasis on exactly where the mice are–they’re coming out enough to get caught in traps, so they’re clearly not hermetically sealed into wherever it is. Do the pets mean that putting out poison isn’t an option?

      1. Pestered*

        They could be coming out from any number of places which is the problem. There are certainly floorboard gaps, as well as a makeshift “crawl space/storage area” that was added onto the building sometime after it was built. It’s connected to my bathroom with a small door. We have traps laid throughout the apartment in hard to reach places (including in the crawl space and in another closet, around the fridge and oven, etc). The cat and dog point certainly make me want to avoid any poisons but also to illustrate that to me the problem seems bad enough that even two killer pets aren’t enough to dissuade any activity.
        Our city clearly states that pest (including rodent) issues need to be addressed. What I’m frustrated by is not knowing if the action that isn’t being taken by landlord are merely annoying but don’t yet rise to negligence? Or otherwise.

        1. fposte*

          Mice are going to outbreed killer pets every time, so I wouldn’t measure much by that, but yeah, you’ve got a colony going. Who handles rental issues in the city? I’d check with them on this.

          1. Johanna*

            I feel your pain, literally, because I’m having a similar problem. I live in an old house divided into apartments, and the mice are becoming more bold. We were quoted just a few hundred but I’m hoping plugging the holes and using peppermint essential oils will help

    2. Bye Academia*

      I went through something similar two years ago. The extermination company our landlord has a contract with was pretty useless. Gave us some traps and did a perfunctory look around for points of entry, but it wasn’t very thorough. And I hate the glue traps anyway.

      I ended up basically turning the apartment upside down and stuffing any possible hole with steel wool. Behind the stove, behind the fridge, a few door hinges, and especially below the baseboards. As our apartment has settled over the years, there was a gap between the floor and some of the baseboards, and that’s definitely how they were getting in. I could see the scratch marks where they had widened the gap in places. The exterminator never saw it because the main places were behind/under furniture.

      Once I finished with the steel wool, the mice stopped coming in. There are still mice in the building (I saw one go under a neighbor’s door recently….) but they’re not in my apartment anymore and that’s all I really care about. If you do some investigating yourself and can’t find the holes or it doesn’t help, it may be worth pushing further and eventually getting a lawyer involved. But at that point things become very contentious and you have to decide whether it’s worth it risking the relationship. Our rent is also under market and we wanted to do everything we could before bringing it to that stage.

      Honestly, there’s probably not much an exterminator can do besides find the holes anyway. You don’t want them to start using a lot of poison, because it could be dangerous for your cat and dog if they end up hunting a poisoned mouse.

      Good luck!

      1. Pestered*

        Thanks – yeah I started out hoping that the landlord just needed to be clued into the fact that we were semi-regularly finding them to have him act, but it’s clear we need to do some more on our own.

        I’ll try steel wool to the max, but I think there will be some places (like the door to the crawl space I mentioned to fposte) that just won’t be possible to block.

        1. Invisible Fish*

          Peppermint oil and peppermint plants. Look into adding that near their entry points after you’ve used steel wool and/or caulk. Make your choices based on what is safe for your pets, of course, but a lot of animals are deterred by specific oils, scents, and plants.

    3. Ronda*

      i think pest control companies are not very good at addressing rodents. I had one and they said they did all kinds of stuff…. but still a problem. I tried a different guy…. he put a rock barrier around the foundation (to prevent tunnelling) and blocked up more entries, I moved at that point so didnt see if his stuff worked long term, but he did seem more knowledgable.
      (I was homeowner, not renter)

      So I think your landlord might also be pretty frustrated by the situation.

      from my experience with the pest control guys, blocking entrances is the way, because they are traveling in and out. The overall rodent control theory is you block ***ALL*** entrances then trap the ones that you blocked inside. and the 2nd guy cemented in entrances (in brick work area) because he said they would just remove/ break less sturdy screens.

    4. What the What*

      I think your pest control person is full of it. Mice don’t just live in the walls and plumbing forever without a food source. They aren’t undead ghost mice who teleported inside your walls (or pipes) and feed off your irritation. Block everything you can – inside and outside. I have had better luck with animal removal services than I have had with pest control companies when dealing with mice. Someone with experience trying to think how animals think and dealing with mammals on a regular basis is going to have better ideas for entry points. Pest control employees know how to use poison and 90 percent of what they do involves spraying to kill bugs.

      While the holes could be anywhere, our mice were coming in through where the AC hose came into the house, and another time they were getting in through the roof on an addition.

  75. Lost in the Woods*

    How do you balance needing to get stuff done with needing personal time to relax and recharge?

    I’m back to working full time in clinic (yay! I love my job, and I also love that I still have one!), and am applying to medical school this year, which means that I’m currently pre-writing 2-5 essays each for the 25 schools I’m applying to. I’m struggling to balance getting all these written with not burning out and getting to do fun things during my off hours. Apologies if this is too work/school-y – I’m mostly interested in people’s experiences with balancing things that need to get done with relaxing during your personal time.

    1. Policy wonk*

      Depends on what time of day you are most productive. For me, I write best in the afternoon. So I arrange my schedule so that tasks that require a quality written product are done then. Other work in the morning, relax after dinner. Since the applications are important to you, put those on your schedule first. Then put in your minimum required relaxation time, and schedule the rest from there. Honestly, it isn’t always possible to keep to the schedule, but if I have one I am more likely to get things done – even if a crisis or unforseen event blows up most of it.

  76. Courageous cat*

    Also, anyone have any good resources for learning photography from the very beginning? My dad loaned me one of his fancy digital (I think mirrorless?) cameras and I am blown away by how much there is to learn and how little I understand.

    1. foolofgrace*

      I took a course. Mine was part of a neighborhood arts center that had classes on many different things, one of which was photography. You could also try community colleges, often evening classes for this kind of thing. Or get a very basic book from the library. I will say that with an automatic camera, which it sounds like yours is, doesn’t require a learning curve until you want to get fancy like having one object in sharp focus but the stuff behind it kind of blurry to make it stand out (depth of field). At least with a digital camera you don’t have to spend a fortune on film and developing. Have fun!

      1. D3*

        Mirrorless cameras are not the same as point and shoot. They have all the manual features of a DSLR, they just have a lighter electronic viewfinder instead of the mirror up to the eyepiece. Sometimes they have features (like focus peaking) that are not easily available on DSLRs. They’re going to replace DSLRs someday, IMO.

    2. nep*

      A great camera store near my house gives classes/workshops. (I reckon such things are virtual nowadays, but perhaps something to check out.)

    3. D3*

      There are many great courses out there! Right now I would recommend an online workshop where you can get help and feedback from an instructor over anything that is just watch and learn. It will probably be more expensive but worth it for the ability to ask questions and get image reviews.
      Check with local camera shops, camera clubs, community colleges and even local photographers. There are probably online places for this as well.
      A mirrorless camera should work for any DSLR course, even though they are not technically DSLRs. They will still have the same abilities and setup that a DSLR will (and in some cases, more features)
      I shoot with both a DSLR and a mirrorless, depending on what I am shooting and how much gear I want to carry.
      If you have specific questions, feel free to ask here. My DSLR is Nikon and my mirrorless is Sony.

    4. Anonymous because reasons*

      @AndrewPBrooks on Twitter has a YouTube channel of useful tips and tricks for photography :-) Enjoy!

    5. Sunset Maple*

      Understanding Exposure by Bryan Peterson is one of the top books for beginners. It explains the fundamentals in a way that makes you stop relying on an individual camera’s features.

    6. KoiFeeder*

      I just ran around and started taking pictures until they stopped looking terrible.

      More helpfully, what do you want to do with your photos? Photography is an art, which means if you get three photographers in a room you get four different opinions. Knowing what you want to get out of this can help you narrow down resources.

      1. D3*

        While that’s true, the mechanics of aperture, shutter speed, ISO, exposure, focusing, etc are pretty universal and a good foundational starting point.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Yes! That’s kind of what I’m looking for, those foundational things. I am not sure what I want to shoot but hoping as I learn more, my goals will evolve. I just want a good excuse to explore and find cool shit to take good pictures of.

          Thank you to everyone for the recs!

  77. Not So NewReader*

    Graphic alert.
    A question about Covid testing.

    I had a friend who had an awful experience with getting a Covid test. They had a sinus infection and they were a little jumpy to begin with. The nurse was holding their head while putting the stick in. When they jumped, the nurse hit the back of their head and slammed it down on the stick. My friend saw stars. They said it felt like it went to their brain. The nurse agreed it probably did go to their brain. It hurt for two days afterward.

    My question is this, what do I ask for in order to get a gentler test or an easier version of the test. I don’t know if I will have to get one at some point and I’d like to be prepared with the right questions or terminology so this does not happen to me. And I am kind of worried for my friend, too. I hope this is not a thing that works into a problem years from now for them.
    Any pearls of wisdom, greatly appreciated.

    1. Laura H.*

      Just ask. Different area of medicine and different opening, but when I have work on my dental stuff done, my dentist walks through it step by step- I’m kinda jumpy. You’re likely not the only one who doesn’t know the terminology, or the first one who’s nervous.

      I’m sorry about your friend’s experience. I’m sure that’s not the norm…

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Here we can opt for a self-test. It’s still gross and uncomfortable but having control over the swab does make it less threatening. The instructions are detailed and long, with step-by-step diagrams and checklists. You get your results in 48-72 hours.

      Is a self-test an option for you and/or your friend?

    4. fhqwhgads*

      So I think the primary issue here was the jumping. Yes, I’ve heard several people say it felt like it “touched their brains” but not meant literally, just meaning it went farther up their nose than they realized it would need to. Everyone who I’ve known who had one said it didn’t hurt. It was just very awkward and uncomfortable. There isn’t a “gentle” vs a “harsh” version of the test. Some places I’ve heard do have people swab themselves (the drive-thru testing sometimes) so that might be more comfortable, but introduces more risk of a false negative if you don’t do it correctly to yourself.
      I think if you’re prepared and know what to expect (a swab going very far up your nose, and then another in the other nostril a few seconds later), and can manage to remain calm, you will not have a similar experience to your friend’s. That sounds like just a fluke of bad positioning + timing of being spooked combined to make it more of a situation than it would be otherwise. Plus if you’re tested in a parking lot, there should be nothing nearby for you to hit your head on.

        1. Cat*

          There will always be random awful people here and there but 99.9% of nurses will not hit You during a Covid test. It is more possible that if you jump while the nurse is doing something delicate they will accidentally push the swab further up than they need to. But you don’t need to go in and say “please don’t physically assault me” prospectively. If you think you’re likely to be jumpy, tell them that al they’re forewarned.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          If that’s the case, this is a weird and bizarre situation, not a scenario you should be anticipating needing to plan for. Medical providers do not, as a general rule, deliberately hit their patients.

        3. Not A Manager*

          I’m pretty sure that deliberately hitting someone’s head is a battery, I’m just saying.

    5. Courageous cat*

      The brain isn’t just hanging out there in the back of your head uncovered – it may have felt like that though. All COVID tests (to my knowledge?) are nasopharyngeal. Look up a diagram of exactly what that is – basically swabbing the very top of your throat behind your nose.

      I have not heard of anyone having this issue, so I think you will likely be fine, but I would imagine you can ask they don’t hold your head as long as you’re able to not jerk back.

      1. fposte*

        The nasopharyngeal is still the most common, but some places can now do just nasal swabs or spit tests. If the spit tests get established as reliable they’ll probably get more popular.

        1. Courageous cat*

          I hope so! I have absolutely zero desire to do the nasopharyngeal, haha. Keeping my fingers crossed that by the time I feel I need to get tested (if/when) nearby testing facilities have evolved past that. I have a weird deviated septum and just don’t want to go all the way back in there.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Thanks all, this is looking a bit better now.
      I really appreciate your replies.

      1. zyx*

        I’ve been tested twice, and the first time I was pretty sneezy afterward. It was also in the early days of COVID-19 before we knew exactly what was necessary to get results, so the nurse swabbed my throat and both nostrils. The second time was about a week ago, and that one was no big deal—the nurse counted down 5 seconds while swabbing one nostril, and I was done! I wouldn’t call it fun, but IMO it wasn’t worse than a routine blood draw.

    8. Sparrow*

      There are two kinds of nasal swabs: nasopharyngeal and mid turbinate. Nasopharyngeal goes 4-5 inches deep into your nostril. I’m sorry your friend got hurt, but it did not go into their brain- there is bone separating the nose/throat from the brain, and you couldn’t break it with a swab. Mid turbinate swabs go 2-3 inches into your nose- they are easier to collect and better tolerated, although they may be less sensitive at detecting virus.
      It sounds like your friend jumped and also had an overzealous or less experienced nurse. If you have to get tested, you can tell them that you are nervous and ask for their most experienced nurse. Nurses who work with kids and have lots of experience doing strep and flu swabs are often excellent. You can also ask if a mid turbinate swab, oropharyngeal (throat) swab or a saliva test are options at your site/clinic.

  78. Alaskan Bull Worm*

    I adopted a rescue pup in the middle of April and have been dealing with tapeworms ever since. He has had 4 rounds of Drontal since then and we have switched his heartworm to Interceptor which has an anti-parasite in it. Still wormy.

    This morning he had about 8-10 worms in his morning bathroom break. I called the vet (again) about it since they haven’t gone away and waiting to hear back if there is something else we can give him. He doesn’t seem too bothered by them and is gaining weight and happy but we want him to not have worms anymore! Anyone have any suggestions on treatment that has worked?

    1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I prefer (food grade!) diatomaceous earth for intestinal worms. You do have to give it for a full month, but it works physically instead of chemically and seems more effective in my experience. It’s a respiratory/eye irritant, so if you give it a shot make sure to mix it into a little water before you put the bowl down.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Please make sure you don’t buy the kind for swimming pools. Be sure of getting the correct type.

          DE works mechanically, it would be like us eating shards of glass. Your pup is too big to be hurt by it. But those tape worms- [evil laugh] they won’t make it.

          1. Alaskan Bull Worm*

            I looked for it on Chewy since we get his food there, and they have food grade DE, so we can get it in his monthly order. I hope it works for him!

    2. university minion*

      Are you sure you’ve gotten rid of all fleas? If the fleas aren’t gone, it’s really easy for a dog to reinfect him/herself. I’ve had the best success with Seresto collars for fleas.

      1. Alaskan Bull Worm*

        That was a concern, but he had a flea bath when he came up from the south and has been on a flea/tick preventative since. The vet kept checking him when he was going in biweekly for the puppy shots and said he was flea free and we haven’t seen any evidence of the fleas coming back. Total mystery…

    3. Geezercat*

      There are different types of tapeworms transmitted by different vectors. So, while the type transmitted by ingesting fleas is by far the most common….there are others. Eating small rodents will transmit a different variety (taenia); access to some types of (raw) fish (Diphyllobothrium). Worth checking out these other potential sources and controlling any potential access to them.

      1. Alaskan Bull Worm*

        He could have gotten either of those before we adopted him. We don’t know what his life was like as a baby before he was bought into the rescue. He’s always out on a leash when he goes outside with us so it’s unlikely he would have gotten those since he’s been here, but I’ll mention to our vet to see if there’s a different medicine that would help him, thank you!

    4. Deanna Troi*

      I may be too late for you to see this, but when we had a stubborn worm problem, Panacur is what finally did the trick. It was expensive, but was worth it. Good luck!

  79. Belle*

    This week felt like it was at least two weeks – just an exhausting week, both professionally and personally.

    How was your week? Did you accomplish something you wanted to? Dealt with difficult family? Or something else you want to share?

    1. nep*

      Finally proceeding with getting some 20-year-old hi8 tapes converted to digital. Thank goodness my procrastination didn’t punish me too badly; the video is still clear. Six tapes down, about 12 to go. So glad I’m finally on this.

    2. IntoTheSarchasm*

      I am waiting to find out if furlough down to 50% of usual will be ended or extended. Next week is week nine of 12 and were promised an update Mid-June so there is a lot of anxiety in the air. So also exhausted and share your pain.

    3. Book Lover*

      I am suddenly stressing out about my weight with the added frustration that even needing to be healthy for work and covid19 isn’t enough to make me focus on cutting back on snacks and portion sizes. And I should lose weight, but the feeling bad about it usually just means that everything is awful and I am focusing on that. I am utterly failing at avoiding the news, which is for sure the real problem.

    4. Alexandra Lynch*

      We got the house we’re living in through closing. Not ours anymore! We have til the 19th of next month to leave, but we are closing on our new house next week, and then after painting the inside and doing a little remodeling we will move on July 6th.
      So this week is about me lining things up so that I can wear myself out painting starting next weekend, and still have food that won’t make me sick and clean clothes to put on, and making sure my partners will feel supported and have their food on time as well.

    5. Tortally HareBrained*

      It was the longest week for me as well, sorry to hear you had the same experience.

      Had our first COVID scare at work, luckily it was a non-issue but didn’t learn that until after work Friday.

      Unexpected car issues that cost $600 to fix, but thankful we are safe and this is the first major money aside from tires put into this car after 200,000 miles.

      Two vet visits needed for two different animals. Our hedgehog has an oral tumor and our rabbit seems to be feeling the effects of arthritis.

      So yes, definitely a rough week. Grateful that I have the weekend to reset and take stock of the good things still happening.

    6. Square Root of Minus One*

      Exhausting too.
      Today’s Father Day in France. And since I haven’t talked to mine in two months, it’s a sad day admittedly. He’s gonna hold it against me if I don’t call, but if I do he’s gonna see it as me recognizing my wrongs and won’t reconsider his behavior. Heads I lose, tails he wins.
      Plus, my boyfriend came last week, and I’m trying to come to terms woth some of our discussions. It’s obvious to me he suffers from a bout of depression, so I pushed him the doc’s way, but still, some things he said… need to be processed.
      I’ve been sleepy all week, and I sleep so long. Work is super busy and I’m tired, but last time I was like that, I was being depressed myself.
      I usually love summer solstice, but this one I’d rather forgo.

  80. medicalQanon*

    FYI: medical related question.

    A few weeks ago I wrote in to ask if anyone has had experience with the skin condition mulluscum contagiosum (or water warts). I had a doctor confirm that I do indeed have this skin condition on my butt/groin. The standard treatment in my area of the world is …. wait and let it heal itself. But I’ve read tons of research lately and it seems like this can take 6 months to 5 years to clear without treatment. Most dermatology research says to treat with freezing (cryotherapy). When I asked my doctor about this, she said that freezing can cause long term persistent pain and massive scarring and doesn’t recommend it.

    I’m curious to hear more from anyone that has treated this with freezing? What was your outcome from the freezing? Trying to weigh my options and determine if it’s better to go with the freezing and pain or wait …… years to heal. For reference I have about 30-40 bumps and I think the first one showed up about 6-8 weeks ago. (I know the infection is not physically dangerous, but it’s definitely limiting my favorite activities, costing a fortune in laundry, and affecting my mental health).

    1. Anon to avoid exposing my bits*

      I haven’t had your diagnosis, but I’ve had other warts in that area treated with freezing and did not have any of these side effects. I’d get a second opinion. Maybe ask on the phone if they do cryo.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m not a doctor, but I’ve had molluscum contagiosum. I’m shocked that the accepted treatment where you are is to wait it out. The “contagiosum” part of the name is real. You can transmit it to other people, and the warts can multiply on your body.

      My outbreak was partially treated by my dermatologist, who excised each lesion, and by my gyne, who froze them. Both treatments were mildly painful, neither was in any way close to unbearable – it was like “nuisance” pain, not bad pain – and neither one caused later bad effects.

      1. medicalQanon*

        Thank you for sharing this info!!! Do you mind sharing how long your treatment took before you were fully recovered? I’m so paranoid about spreading to other parts of my body and other people! When did you know you were finally free of it?

        I’m also shocked that the treatment here is to wait it out. I’ve had appointments with TWO medical doctors who both say there is no recommended treatment but to wait. Both specialize in sexual health … which is … even more shocking. Thankfully we have a nurse hotline here and the nurse spoke with was equally shocked and encouraged me to advocate for myself and pursue treatment. I’ve found one doctor that will do the freezing, so hoping it helps heal things faster.

        1. Not A Manager*

          It was a one-time treatment. Again, I’m not a doctor, but my understanding is that if you completely remove each individual lesion without shattering it and spreading it around, there’s nothing left to proliferate. It was a while ago, but my recollection is that the dermatologist used something like a very small melon baller to literally scoop under the lesion and remove it. The gyne used an eyedropper of acid on each one. The first treatment left small cuts or scrapes that healed up quickly, and the second one left scabs that eventually fell off. The trick is to find all of them and remove each one.

        2. Not A Manager*

          You were asking specifically about freezing. Now that I think about it, my gyne did not freeze them. She used acid as I mentioned in my second comment. I remember this because we discussed whether I could use it at home if I found any addition bumps (answer: no, I could not). But I never would have asked that about liquid nitrogen or some other cold gas.

          1. medicalQanon*

            I’ve read about the acid! Sounds like it’s only cutterage (scrapping) or freezing here. I’m so encouraged reading about your success getting rid of this thing! How many bumps did you have when you got them treated?

    3. RagingADHD*

      If you want to try it out, you can get wart freezing kits in the drugstore. We had to treat a normal wart on one kid’s knee with it. I would not do that dozens of times in a sensitive area.

      Not to anyone I liked.

      1. medicalQanon*

        If it was anywhere else on my body I would prob try the home kit. For this area everything I’ve read says do not treat at home :|

    4. Skinny*

      The American Academy of Dermatology has a website that allows you to search for diseases, and they have a thorough discussion of molluscum contagiosum, its diagnosis and treatment (both in office and self-treatment). It’s worth a look

      1. medicalQanon*

        This is the most amazing resource I have seen! Oh my gosh! Thank you for sharing! I’ve already passed the link on to several friends with kiddos dealing with other skin issues. We are all so thankful. I think they need better SEO because I’ve been searching for days on the internet on this topic and that website never came up in my searches. Seriously so grateful!!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Mayo Clinic has been my go-to since I found them online. They do a good job of putting technical info into layman’s terms without losing the scientific background. (I am not a doctor…I went there originally because of their ongoing reputation.)

    5. Overeducated*

      This is anecdotal, but my kid had it last year and it took us several month to realize it was this and not regular moles starting to grow (my spouse has a lot of moles and freckles). The doctor confirmed it and also said “just wait, it’ll go away,” though on a horizon of months to a year, not 1-5 years!

      I did some Googling and decided to try the folk remedy of dabbing on a little apple cider vinegar after baths. I didn’t do it daily if the skin around looked red, since I didn’t know if it could cause scarring and wanted to proceed very cautiously. The warts burst and healed without scarring fairly quickly. I don’t know how close we were to having them clear up naturally but this sped it along. Again: this is anecdotal and i am not a doctor.

      1. medicalQanon*

        I have to admit I was getting so desperate last week, I did try the apple cider vinegar folk remedy twice on a small section of my outbreak— they do seem to be healing faster than the other ones I left alone. Exactly like you described – they kinda go red and then shrink quickly.

        Did your kid have it spread around their body? Any tips on how to minimize spread? I’ve been doing the standard: change clothes daily, change sheets biweekly, don’t touch or scratch area use a different towel on affected areas, only use bath towels once, wash hands frequently…. but I think I just discovered a new patch on my hip… a new area :|

        1. Overeducated*

          My kid’s mostly stayed on the back, it could have been a lot worse. We didn’t take any precautions beyond the standard ones you listed, and given that we don’t have free in unit laundry or tons of storage space, we couldn’t change bath towels daily either. Good luck! It’s annoying to deal with.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Yeah, I replied last week about my kid having it. Our doctor gave an outside timeframe of 18 months.

        Five years sounds like an extreme outlier case, maybe with a compromised immune system?

        Have you tried the clear nail polish? I think it helped stop the spread as well as drying them up, because she didn’t get any new ones after we started it.

        1. medicalQanon*

          I remember you replying last time! Thank you, I really appreciated your response last time. I haven’t tried the clear nail polish… mine are truly in the groin area so I’m not sure about nail polish in that area. If the new bumps on my hip are these suckers and not just pimples I will definitely try the nail polish there.

    6. AnonForThis*

      I had a wart, not sure what type, frozen off my hand when I was a kid. It definitely hurt in the moment – sort burning and lancing at the same time. I would say it hurt about as much as getting my ears pierced. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t cry and it was over pretty quick. The wart then swelled up to 2-3 times its size and scabbed. Then the scab fell off and my hand healed. During this process, the area was sore and I avoided touching it. But after healing, I’ve had zero pain and no scarring. I’m not sure why it wouldn’t be recommended.

    7. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Same diagnosis, but the warts were on the inside of my elbow – much less sensitive area. I had them frozen off. It was honestly pretty painful during the procedure and for weeks after – basically the whole area became inflamed, then it all scabs over, and it takes a month or two to heal. The warts are VERY noticable during after the freezing treatment and I felt super self-conscious. No long term pain or scarring for me though. In your position, I would not freeze them off because it is such a sensitive area, but your mental health is the most important thing. Just be prepared for a month or two of more pain and suffering than you are currently dealing with. I’m sorry, these warts really suck!

      1. medicalQanon*

        Oof that sounds awful and maybe why my doc doesn’t recommend freezing. I am wondering how I will shower/keep the area clean if I do go ahead with treatment. How long did yours take to clear in total from start to finish? Did you need more than one treatment of freezing? Did the freezing seem to prevent the spread?

  81. Annie's Kitty Couches - ???*

    Has anyone here made one? I am making the second pattern for the “blue couch.” I learned to crochet as a child and I’ve made a few items as an adult. Not super experienced but I can follow a simple pattern.

    If you’ve made these, my question is: the pattern alternates SC/DC across each row. I’m finding that when I turn the piece, each SC is going into a SC under it, and each DC is going into the DC under it. So far this is looking fine and the piece isn’t pulling or distorting. But I’m wondering whether I’m miscounting or misunderstanding the turn instructions. Do you think that a SC should be worked over a DC and vice versa?

    Thanks!

    1. Tortally HareBrained*

      I haven’t made these, but that doesn’t seem wrong to me. It likely is giving the texture. I’m currently making a gingham blanket with the same pattern of alternating DC/SC where they go into the same type of stitch in the previous row. I think it’s called the crumpled griddle stitch.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Having had a quick Google, I think that sounds right – it looks like you’re creating a kind of bunched texture.

      I’m intrigued enough to try a test patch of just exactly what you’ve described, so I’ll report back. I’m a big fan of plain but textured patterns.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Yes, that’s definitely it, and it’s coming out absolutely poker straight, and it’s cute. I like it! Thanks for the nudge!

    3. Anxious cat servant*

      I don’t know if it’s right for this pattern but both sequences (like into like and like into unlike) are valid crochet patterns. If the results look different from the picture then chances are it’s just a counting error, probably from not skipping the right number when starting the first row or not grabbing the very last stitch (easy to miss!) on that same row. Or the pattern could have an error! I’ve taught crochet classes and it’s frustrating how many of the patterns I was supposed to teach had errors.

      So long as you like the look and finished product, you’re doing it right! If you don’t then it’s really quite fun to unravel it all and start again.

  82. Gaia*

    So I’m hoping to get some advice on something I don’t even know if it’s an issue.

    I see a therapist once a week for anxiety (along witth aking an SSRI). I clicked really well with her and she seems to get when I need a bit of “tough love” vs when I need a bit softer approach. But this last week, something really threw me off.

    Since starting my SSRI, I’ve been regaining weight. My diet and exercise hasn’t changed and blood tests confirm there’s nothing else amiss. Some of you might remember that I’m obese and have been trying to lose weight for about two years. I’ve done really well but am now watching all that work be erased even while I keep doing everything that should work.

    This is seriously triggering my anxiety and making me feel out of control so I raised it with my therapist. I don’t know what I expected but I definitely didn’t expect a lecture on how eviction makes it statistically and biologically unlikely for almost anyone to lose significant weight and keep it off. I understand the science of why weight loss is difficult, I know that studies show more than 80% of people that try to lose more than 10% of their weight will not reach their goal, or keep it off.

    None of that was helpful to be told, especially from my therapist when I’m explaining that this exact issue is causing me a lot of anxiety and when we’ve discussed (in depth) that my anxiety Does Not respond to logic.

    I can’t sort out how big of a deal this is. I now don’t feel like I can discuss this challenge with her and it’s a significant source of anxiety for me right now. But every other issue has been handled so well.

    Would you consider leaving a therapist over something like this if there were no other issues?

    1. Not A Manager*

      If she’s otherwise good, I would not leave without trying to sort this out. It can be so hard to do, especially with issues that are very very sensitive. Even a little bit of pushback can make it feel impossible to keep engaging.

      I would recommend really flagging this for her BEFORE you get into the underlying issue. Tell her that something came up in your last session that was very disturbing to you, tell her that you want to talk about it with her in a safe way, and ask her to please be very careful not to argue back at you or to shame you. Then you can say your piece about the weight issue, and tell her that you need her support and a safe place to be able to discuss it.

      If she circles back to the “science” of weight loss, at that point it’s not you, it’s her. But it’s possible that she misread the room, thought this was a time for “tough love,” and will be able to realize her mistake if you’re clear about it.

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks for the advice. I think I can try that.

        I actually do think she meant to be supportive. It was just so off base of what I needed when she’s been really spot on before so it was shocking and upsetting.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I echo Not A Manager’s advice. This gives you the opportunity to share your feedback and work through it with your therapist if she is otherwise helpful. You may find that a conversation about it resolves the issue restores your trust. If you find that her response is not reassuring, then you will know that she is not the right match for you going forward. You can then look for a new therapist without having lingering thoughts about whether or not you made the right choice.

          1. therapy nerd*

            I third this option. When I’ve had to do this, it has led to many productive discussions that were very beneficial to the overall work of therapy (and I guess were therapy itself).

          2. Gaia*

            Thanks. This sort of thing is very hard for me as I’ve been conditioned to not be a burden and to not speak up if it might make someone feel bad (one of many issues I’m working on). So telling my therapist, someone who is supposed to help, that what she said was not helpful and was, in fact, hurtful, triggers all kinds of anxiety. If I say that, she might feel bad. Logically I know that’s okay. But, alas, anxiety doesn’t listen to logic.

            1. therapy nerd*

              I was like that too, from a family where we never ever set boundaries but cut people off, so I totally get where you are coming from. Your therapist, as you say, wants to help you, so your telling her that what she said was not helpful is a way for you to help her help you better (I hope you can follow that). I think a therapist is a great person to practice saying and doing this thing that makes you feel so anxious, because in general therapists are predisposed to listening and to being sympathetic to you. Even if you don’t say what you have to say perfectly, it is a place to start. What I have done many times is write what I wanted to say just so I had a guide. It will be anxiety provoking and you can use “this is making me anxious but I want to bring up x…” kind of language, sometimes that is helpful to me. You are not saying what you have to say to make her feel bad or to confront her or be angry, you are just saying your truth.

              To me, it sounds like this was a significant injury to your relationship with your therapist, so if you can’t/don’t bring it up, this injury will affect all your other work with her, since you are now considering holding back at least in one area, and you are suspicious of her. So you could take the next session and bring it up. Even if it’s not fully resolved then, it is in the open, where it can be seen and examined and won’t be festering in the dark where neither of you may have full access to it or the consequences of the withholding. You can always decide to stop seeing her after trying to bring it up so it’s not like you have to stay with her if you bring it up. But things that are in the open have a much better chance of healing than things that aren’t. I hope she can rise to the occasion.

              I say all this because you say it’s been going well and mention other red flags. You don’t say how long you’ve been seeing her, and 2 months x 5 years for example are different kinds of relationships. There are no guarantees that it will resolve everything or anything but if it does ease the injury, there is much to be gained; if it doesn’t, you can stop seeing her then. Good luck! (sorry this got so long!)

    2. Jennifer Juniper*

      Fellow obese anxiety sufferer here.

      GGGGRRRRR!!!! I’m furious for you.

      I would leave this therapist. Not only is she not acknowledging your anxiety, but the woman is actually dismissing a real health risk for you!!! Gaining weight while you’re already obese is not good.

      There is nothing wrong with leaving your therapist and searching for another one. If you are concerned about going without meds altogether, your primary care doctor, if you have one, should be able to prescribe meds in the meantime. Be sure to discuss any and all possible side effects with the doctor. Also, research any side effects online. Drugs.com and PDR.net (Physicians Desk Reference) are excellent sources of info on meds.

      1. Gaia*

        Thankfully my PCP is the one that prescribed my SSRI. We knew weight gain was a possible side effect but it got to the point that I could no longer function without medication. There was another type of medication that doesn’t have the weight gain side effects, but it is highly addictive and my family has a long history of addiction issues so that is out.

        It sucks feeling like my choice is mental or physical health. How the hell do you choose?

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I mean, here’s the question. You can’t function without an SSRI. Do you anticipate that at any point from now on, it’ll be feasible for you to go off the SSRI, addictive or not?

          I have chronic pain and a family history of addiction. At this point, I can’t function without painkillers because of the severity of my issues. These issues won’t go away, or get better. It’s a moot point to worry about whether or not I’m addicted-dependent on painkillers when I’ll probably be pain-dependent on painkillers forever.

          And FWIW, every time I get lectured, my anxiety gets worse because it feeds off of perceived disappointment and anger. So, whether or not your therapist is right or wrong, that was the worst way to deliver that information.

          1. Gaia*

            That’s a valid question and, no, I will likely never be able to stop taking SSRIs. I would actually be willing to try the other medication as it would let me spot treat my anxiety as opposed to daily medication. But because of my family history my doctor is not even willing to discuss it. And switching primary care isn’t possible for a number of reasons.

        2. Anono-me*

          May I suggest that you ask for a full physical including a complete blood test panel. Yes, the most likely cause is the new medication. … but what if it isn’t and you turn yourself inside-out trying to solve the wrong problem.

          Also have you discussed the possibility that a different dosage or dosage pattern may be effective for you with fewer side effects?

          I’m actually a bit concerned that your therapist didn’t bring up either of these points.

          1. Gaia*

            Thanks for the advice. I’ve already had a full physical with blood panel and hormone and thyroid testing. I was told I’m “exceptionally” healthy lol.

            Unfortunately my dosage cannot be changed. I attempted to reduce it down a small amount recently and found my anxiety was wildly out of control. My current dosage is the minimum effective for me.

            1. Anxious cat servant*

              You can’t change the dose now but will you be able to change it in the future? It sounds like you’re trying to manage your weight and your anxiety during a pandemic and all the rest that this crazy year has brought and that’s a LOT. It’s ok to focus on just one of the two for a bit until the world gets less stressful.

              After a death and then a health scare in my family last month I started having daily anxiety attacks and my GP said she’s had record numbers of patients with anxiety right now. This is not an ideal environment for happy brain chemistry but it is temporary. So would it help to reframe this like you’re going to focus 80% on your brain and 20% on your body for now with the knowledge that right now it’s extra-hard but it’s just for this weird time? Things WILL get better and soon your efforts will go a lot further.

        3. Cat*

          There are a lot of SSRIs and most people don’t respond the same way to all of them. It might make sense to try switching. Probably with a psychiatrist who knows the details of them better than a PCP.

          I wouldn’t leave your therapist without talking to her. What she said would be helpful to me and probably other people. Therapists aren’t super human and won’t hit it every time.

          1. Gaia*

            I would love to see a psychiatrist but we have a major shortage in my area. None are accepting new patients who aren’t in crisis and (thankfully!) I’m not considered to be in crisis. But I’m on several wait lists and when a spot clears I intend to add that to my options.

            Thanks for the feedback about therapists not always getting it right. It’s seems silly to say, but it is helpful to be reminded that they’re people too.

            1. Anon for this*

              I see a psychiatric APRN because there is a shortage of psychiatrists in my area also (and the ones there are don’t take insurance and charge $500 an hour). Might be worth looking into it. They are highly specialized and this is really all they do, so could be a good middle ground between psychiatrist and a PCP. Mine got very nuanced with the dosing and type of SSRI and talked through all the different side effects she sees with each med.

            2. Cat*

              A lot of psychiatrists are doing teleappointments right now so you might be able to find a good fit who’s not local.

    3. Jules the First*

      Personally I would leave this therapist, but I’m not you. Do you feel like you can trust her to handle the rest of your care if you two disagree so fundamentally on this subject? If no, then you need a new therapist. If yes, consider looking for separate support for your weight ( “Half Size Me” is a great option for science-based, personalised support…it’s not a diet, she won’t tell you what to eat, but you’ll get access to a positive, supportive community who are working through the same things you are; I’m not the target market, but it came highly recommended when I was looking for resources to help my sister, who is)

  83. Jennifer Juniper*

    My city is going to Phase 2 of COVID reopening on Monday. This is thanks to intelligent and competent local leadership and we the people following the guidelines. Good, right?

    I will not be able to join other people in going out. My wife is chronically ill and immune-compromised. She is a misanthrope, so not going out is not hard for her. She even said the lockdown was a “piece of cake” for her. We are happy together.

    Yesterday, I foolishly showed her the latest graph from our mayor showing new COVID cases going down. She went on a long lecture about how foolish it was for our city to be reopening. (We’re in DC if this helps.) I ended up apologizing over and over again. I have a pattern of doing this anytime I disagree with anyone, so it’s not caused by anything she did.

    How do I accept the guilt I live with for wanting to go out? I know better than to ever mention it to my wife again. I acknowledge it was foolish of me to show her the graph.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      Hugs!

      It sounds like you are both under a lot of stress right now, but it sounds like her reaction was way out of proportion to your action. You didn’t do anything wrong.

      Obviously you want to keep your wife safe and everything is so unknown right now. But your feelings also matter and deserve respect and sympathy. When will she be comfortable with easy up your quarentine? What precautions can you take to keep her safe and preserve your own mental health?

      1. Jennifer Juniper*

        She said she would not be comfortable until there’s a vaccine or cure for COVID.

        1. Anne Shirley*

          I think part of this is managing your own expectations and reactions. No need to apologize. Practice not doing that.
          I am immune-compromised and according to all information at this time Covid-19 will kill me if I get it. The husband would probably get really sick and be fine.
          My anxiety right now is caution fatigue. Mine and his.
          According to scientific information at this time, it doesn’t matter how many less cases there are, my risk is the same as it was in March. So yes, I will continue to work from home. No, I will not go to socially distant get togethers. Groceries etc are delivered.
          On the other hand- we do discuss his going out for non-essential outings. We have protocols for that. Hand sanitizer and masks. Hand washing on arrival to our home. Sanitizing wiping of doorknobs and surfaces and handles. Masks and clothes directly into a wash. Shoes stay by the door. Everything coming in gets a Clorox wipe down. Mail continues to be held in quarantine for 48 hours.
          I do not watch the news. I read as much as I can.
          So yes, be informed. Plan to go out in a cautious manner. Actively articulate that you are conscious of best practices and will continue to be considerate of their status as someone who is high-risk.

    2. BRR*

      Not factoring in the auto-immune disease, you’re allowed to want to go out and not feel guilty. Your wife is allowed to be fine not going out. The only thing to stay clear of is to not make it sound like you’re blaming your wife for not being able to go out, which it doesn’t sound like you did at all.

      Honestly I’m a bit concerned by your question. You should learn how to accept the guilt, you shouldn’t feel the guilt. I’m acknowledging you shouldn’t tell people how to feel but it is so far outside of the norm you really shouldn’t feel guilty. You should be able to talk about it with your wife and It wasn’t foolish to show the graph. Even a huge homebody like myself wants the occasional outing. I really hope you’ll consider how you framed this situation because it feels really off to me.

      1. Jennifer Juniper*

        I read an article on AARP’s website about caregiver guilt. It said you should learn to live with the guilt, not aim for guilt-free caregiving.

        I’ve also read several articles about the Ring Theory. The person in the innermost ring is the sick person. The people in the ring around the sick person are the spouse and immediate family members. Around the family ring is the next ring, good friends. The next ring after that is doctors, nurses, and other professionals, etc.

        The rule of the Ring Theory: Comfort in, dump out. In other words, since my wife is in the innermost ring and I’m in the next ring, I am not supposed to dump any discomfort on her regarding her illness. Instead, I am only supposed to comfort her, help her, listen to her, and otherwise care for her.

        I am also autistic. Therefore, I take everything literally unless it’s a figure of speech. I probably drew the wrong conclusions by taking these two items literally, but I’m not sure.

        1. Washi*

          I actually think that you and your wife are both in the innermost ring, together. I don’t have a physical health condition, but I do suffer from recurring bouts of serious depression. This was just our experience, but it was harder on our partnership when my husband felt like he was not supposed to express any discomfort to me and only provide me with comfort and care. That’s just too much to expect of a person, and it only created a weird hierarchy thing where he was pure caregiver and I was pure patient.

          That doesn’t mean that I was available for endless venting about how hard my depression was for him and I wasn’t responsible for making him feel better, but we did talk about it honestly and on a regular basis. I needed to stay in touch with his feelings in order to be a good partner to him, and sometimes that meant hearing how much my illness sucked for him. It was hard but it was so necessary.

          Has your partner told you that she is the innermost ring and that you cannot express any negative feelings about her illness? Or is this something that you’ve kind of put on yourself? (which is what my husband did initially)

          1. Jennifer Juniper*

            Nope. It was something I concluded from reading the Ring Theory information. My wife has (and would never!) say I was not allowed to express any negative feelings about her illness.

        2. Koala dreams*

          I think it might be a good idea to find outside support, such as a counsellor, a therapist or family/friend you can talk to. However, I disagree with the idea that a person who is sick can only be cared for and can’t be expected to take care of others. When I’m ill, I want to be given the opportunity to help other people, as well as be given help by others. I find this kind of reciprocity can strengten relationships. It sounds very wrong to me that you can’t get support from your wife when you are unhappy because your wife is more ill than you are. Is that your opinion only, or does your wife share it? (You don’t need to answer, just think about it.)

        3. Cat*

          Yeah I don’t think Ring Theory is a good model for marriages or life partnerships. When you’re a team you’re supposed to be able to talk to each other about what’s going on in your lives. Also at this point the impact is the same on both of you, which is intense quarantine. Also also, talking about a plan of action going forward isn’t dumping on her. It’s planning as a team.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I don’t understand the context of the conversation. What exactly were you disagreeing about?

      I mean, all you said here was that you showed her a graph. What is there to disagree about that?

      If you were just commenting on the news, and got lectured to the point of guilt & multiple apologies, then your wife was taking out her anxiety on you in a very jerkish & unnecessary way.

      If you were arguing about whether or not it was safe to go out, and trying to lean on her to accept the risk of you easing personal precautions? That’s more complicated.

      There’s no reason for you to feel guilty about *wanting* to go. Wanting doesn’t hurt anybody, it’s just a feeling.

      But at some point there will need to be a decision about when you can be more active, and that’s going to be uncomfortable for both of you. Do you have any kind of objective standard to assess safety? Has your wife’s doctor given any guidance about when the risks are low enough?

      If it’s just going by her feelings, that is going to cause ongoing conflict & resentment. Her medical needs are more pressing than yours, but your feelings are equally important.

      1. Jennifer Juniper*

        I apologized because she was upset. My go-to reaction if someone is upset with me is guilt and multiple apologies.

        I tried calling the nurse line on my insurance, but all I got was the same old guidelines we all know. Next stop is to call my wife’s doctor and see when it would be safe for her to go out.

        I have been going out for essentials a couple times a week. I was speaking about going to the pool to go swimming and resuming volunteer work at my local animal shelter.

        1. Reba*

          I remember your previous post about this issue, but I don’t recall whether you all have done therapy or counseling? I feel like it would be really beneficial to talk about this with a professional and have someone outside your relationship (besides, uh, us Internet People) suggest some paths toward compromise.

          I think there are two things that need addressing. One is the safety and risk discussion. And the other is a communication pattern (among the two of you, this is not a criticism of you JJ) that apparently prevents you from having productive conversations about difficult topics like the safety and risk discussion.

          It sounds like your spouse has justifiable worries… but this is causing her not to take in any new information and also to seek to control you. Your own reaction to conflict, again understandable, short-circuits the discussion by getting you into this emotional loop of excessive guilt and reassurance-seeking, not the matter at hand.

          There was an old captain awkward letter about someone whose partner was like, monitoring the amount of water they were “allowed” to use to do the dishes, couched in very admirable environmentalist concern… I think about that letter a lot.

          ANYWAY, one good thing is that we are beginning to see that masks are pretty darn effective at limiting spread. And at least in my DC neighborhood, mask wearing is almost universal.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Well, a compromise would be to find exercise & volunteer opportunities that are lower risk, or to see if there are special precautions in place at your destinations that could help.

          For example, an outdoor pool during off hours with very few people is going to be safer than a crowded indoor pool. Etc.

          But if you can’t discuss this stuff at all without her flipping out, or without you being wracked by unnecessary guilt, there’s a problem.

          The best thing will be to get authoritarive information about her personal risk level. Take the feelings out of it, and then try to find ways to both keep her safe & meet your legitimate social/emotional needs.

        3. Anne Shirley*

          Truthfully if my husband expressed an intention of going to a gym or pool, I would have over-reacted in his estimation. It is one thing to go out, it is another to purposely do an activity that would be high risk of bringing the virus into your home.

          If the animal shelter is practicing social distancing (fewer workers per square foot, no in-person meetings without masks and distancing) this sounds like a low risk action.

    4. Dan*

      I’m not sure what the appropriate phrasing is to express what’s on my mind, but you’re internalizing your spouse’s reaction too strongly. You have your own thoughts, wishes, and desires that are independent from hers, and that’s a-ok. She should be supporting and acknowledging that, not giving you a guilt trip over it.

      I’m starting to see COVID-lockdown related differences within a couple as akin to a relationship where one really wants a (or another) kid and the other really doesn’t, even when they may have agreed to a set number of kids early in the relationship. Neither person is wrong for the feelings they have now, regardless of what they felt when an agreement may have been made.

      FWIW, I don’t live very far from you, although I don’t live in the city itself. I also live alone and am relatively low risk. My personal opinion is that I don’t want to live a life where I’m confined to my apartment, except for “essentials”. I want to be able to go to the gym. I want to be able to go to a restaurant. I want to go to sporting events, the theater, and concerts. I want my friends who may be members of marginalized groups to have the ability to earn an income. For those in higher risk groups who *don’t* want to (or can’t) take that risk, they can can choose to continue to “self quarantine” and there’s nothing wrong with that.

      I don’t envy people in your shoes, because the “right” choice(s) aren’t obvious. Your spouse, however, needs to support your feelings, even if she may not support your actions.

    5. Analyst Editor*

      Hmm, did you bring up the graph and also state a desire to go out/intention to go out? Was she mad at the city opening up, or at you for bringing it up? Did your spouse believe she was owed an apology, or did you preemptively give it just to stave off her anger, even if not at you? If she got sorry that you DARE BRING UP A TOPIC, rather than just an angry general political rant which you might disagree with, that’s bull. If she is disagreeing with your own desire or intention to go out, that’s something you should communicate on, but your needs factor in too as an equal partner in the relationship.

      Also, I’m getting pretty cynical and finding more and more that the more you self-abase and put your self down in front of others, the more they subconsciously believe it; and if you apologize when you don’t deserve it, you create in them a false sense that you did something wrong — and laying the groundwork for your own resentment, when that test you exactly how you behave, and you know deep down it’s unearned. It’s not a great place to be — this combination of guilt and resentment and self-hatred – definitely lead nowhere good for the relationship or your open mental health.

    6. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Yeah duh you want to go out! There is a reason prison is a punishment. The only reason you are staying in in the first place is this stupid pandemic, not out of your own choice.

      Not everybody is the same, but there a whole ton of people going stir-crazy about now.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Why are you apologizing for your city moving to stage 2? You did not cause that. You can’t stop it.

      So you can’t show her information that she finds upsetting or not in line with her thinking? This isn’t a good road to start down.

      My friend’s husband is very ill. With the stages people are starting to move around more and do more things. Hubby is off the charts upset and starting to cause my friend some new levels of misery.

      So Friend sat down with Hubby and said, “Things are changing, people want to get back to work and get back to life. Our governments have made plans and we are following those plans. Reality is that we may disagree all we want however, these phases will continue happening with or with out our agreement.”
      Then she went on to explain to her hubby that she has to be able to move around and do things. BOTH of their qualities of life depend on HER being able to do things. It’s not optional she explained. Someone has to earn a paycheck, someone has the keep the insurance coverage, someone has to get in food and other basic necessities. Isolation is not a sustainable plan for the long run as basics need to be covered. She went on to explain that she can do some well chosen things and keep safety first and foremost in her actions and thinking.

      Hubby did calm down. And hubby agreed to things he had not been agreeable about prior to the conversation.

      Perhaps if you reframe your wife’s anger not as anger per se but as fear you may gain ground by using words of comfort. The response to fear is much different than the response to anger. I am hearing a lot of defensiveness in your post here. While I understand anger is difficult to deal with and make a person feel defensive, I also know that right under anger can be huge amounts of fear. Encourage your wife to look at plans to keep the two of you safe while you go about what needs to be done to take care of the two of you.

      You can’t stay cooped up in that house and she does not have the luxury of “making” you do that. One of you has to interact with the outside world in order for the two of you to get the help you need.

      1. Jennifer Juniper*

        I have been going to the store a couple times a week for essentials, so I’ve been able to go out for that.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Aaron’s are not the same as a leisure activity. I have been running most of the family errands, so I’ve been out one or two times a week…but they are stressful outings. I am very much looking forward to my knitting group starting up our stitch-n-bitch sessions in the park instead of online. Is there some outdoors space you two have access to that could fit a third person with safe distance?

    8. Koala dreams*

      I don’t agree that it’s foolish to show the graph, it sounds like important information for your wife. However, maybe you shouldn’t be discussing this kind of political decisions if it makes both of you upset. Your wife could join a political group online or write letters to leaders if she wants to dicuss politics, you don’t have to be an audience if it’s too much for you.

      I also don’t think it’s bad to want to go out. For most people, going outside is good, not bad. Of course you want to keep a safe distance to other people, but there isn’t anything bad about being outside as opposed to inside. Maybe you also want to meet other people, and again, it’s a good thing, meeting other people is part of happiness for most people. It’s sad that you can’t go and meet friends and family, but it’s not sad that you want to do that. Maybe you can find other friends and family to vent too about the social isolation, if you wife isn’t supportive?

    9. LGC*

      Okay, that’s tough!

      So, on the immediate thing: your wife’s reaction was…I’m toggling between “inappropriate” and “manipulative.” (And perhaps a bit understandable.) Like, you showed her a graph that has clearly good news for your area when we as a country are backsliding into a new COVID peak, and she chooses to lecture you on Muriel Bowser’s decisions?! That’s really hurtful, regardless of the merits. She chose to make you feel bad over sharing good news.

      That said – I think that yes, you should still continue to self-isolate for her sake, because her health is important. But on the other hand, she should also express some care for how rough this is on you! You’re giving up a lot (including, IIRC, cat yoga). And I hope you’re able to say that while you will self-isolate with her as long as necessary, this has been difficult for you and you wish she was a bit more understanding of the sacrifices you’re making. And if she doesn’t care about that…then that’s a warning sign.

      And I’m glad you guys in DC are doing better! From NJ, it looked pretty scary for you guys for a bit!

      1. Jennifer Juniper*

        If there are no COVID spikes, I’ll call our therapist on July 18th and ask for guidelines regarding my wife’s health. I’ll put my wife on speakerphone and we’ll hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.

        Why this date? Because Trump wants to have the usual Fourth of July celebration. I’m allowing the Fourth of July to come and go, plus an extra two weeks for any COVID spikes to pop up. If no spikes have materialized, I’ll make the call.

  84. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    Anybody know some good healthy-ish muffin recipes? I want something that is more nutritionally balanced than cake, but also not weird. When I try to google healthy muffin recipes, everything seems to be either low carb, vegan, or use prunes for the sweetener.

    1. Jules the First*

      Smitten Kitchen has some wholegrain flour muffin recipes, and some cracking other ones. She will often also give notes for how much you can dial back the sugar. I find hers generally more “healthier” muffins vs “this is an excuse to eat cake for breakfast”

    2. pancakes*

      The King Arthur Flour morning glory muffins are very good. Have a look at 101 Cookbooks too – I’m not a big muffin person but she has some great quick-bread recipes.

    3. MMB*

      All-Bran cereal used to have delicious Bran muffin recipe. I just checked and you can still find it at Kellogs.com.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Bonus for that classic bran muffin recipe is that you make a big huge bowl of it, and store the batter in the fridge to bakeone tray muffins at a time over a week or so. My mom was big into this in the 70s… and now I do it every time I build up enough stale Raisin Bran.

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Thanks all! These are what I was looking for. Scrumptious but not cake.

    5. Policy wonk*

      I make oatmeal banana nut muffins. I use half whole wheat flour, half white, and reduce the amout of sugar. Lots of recipes on-line.

    6. Emily*

      I’ve heard good things about superhero muffins (from Run Fast, Eat Slow and follow-up cookbooks), but haven’t tried them myself. There are several flavor variations (zucchini carrot, beet blueberry, lemon blueberry, apple carrot) that you can find online if you’re curious, but they all seem to follow a pretty similar formula.

  85. Not Australian*

    Three years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer I posted on here and received a lot of support. I just wanted to let everyone know that a week ago I had my last zoledronic acid treatment and – subject to seeing my consultant in September or October – I pretty much consider myself cancer-free at the moment.

    I was very lucky; it was caught early and treated immediately. It’s easy for me to say, because I live in the land of socialised medicine, but if you are ever offered a mammogram *please* go and get yourself checked out. Due to a family crisis at the time (my husband was ill) I nearly didn’t go for mine; I was within an inch of cancelling it altogether, but I called and rescheduled it instead. That was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life.

    Anyway, thank you all for your support – and to anyone who may be facing a similar diagnosis I just want to say ‘don’t be scared, grit your teeth and trust your surgeon’, and I wish you as full, rapid and painless a recovery as I’ve been lucky enough to experience. And remember, this too shall pass.

    1. nep*

      Such wonderful news! Thanks for sharing this.
      (It’s been ages since I’ve had a mammogram–weighs on me whenever I think of it, then there are the long stretches of time in between thinking about it when it’s absent from my mind…)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Congratulations on reclaiming your health. I hope you have many, many years of good health.

    3. UbiCaritas*

      I’m about to start chemo – I was diagnosed May 1.

      If anyone wants to share tips about chemo, I’m listening!

      1. Anon woman without breast cancer*

        During chemo, to flush your system, drink a lot of water, mint tea, etc – hydration will help you – like 10+ cups a day. Walk if you can and if it is safe for you to go out for walks (wear a mask), exercise and fluids help a lot. Be kind to yourself. Depending on the drugs – 5FEC, then Taxol? – you may find that L-Glutamine may help with taxol neuropathy side effects. Shave your head before too long, helps with the hair falling out as does not clog your drains. Get the port – it will save your veins. Get results of your blood tests to save and review if you can, after each treatment, to track your immune response, etc. Take a snack and thermos of tea to chemo sessions to help you get thru, it is usually a couple of hours. Wear sunblock when you go outside. Sleep as much as you can to heal. Best of luck – I went thru chemo from October to March, then surgery, then radiotherapy and am about to start Letrozol. You can do it!

    4. Generic Name*

      Congrats! I’m so happy to hear your news. I hope you can find some small (or big!) way to celebrate. :)

  87. BLT*

    Anyone want to share their “travel light” success stories? e.g. 3 shirts, 1 dress, 1-2 pants/shorts, and a light jacket for a 10 day trip.

    I am going live out of a suitcase for 3 weeks and I am trying to bring the bare minimum. I’m not even a ~fashion~ person. Why do I do this?! I can do laundry on site, but I’m already at 9 shirts.

    I’ve seen a lot of good Pinterest boards with outfit combos, but will this turn out to be Pinterest vs Reality? Don’t these Pinterest people sweat? Do they just wash their clothes in the hotel sink?

    1. Jules the First*

      I’ve travelled light for years because when I travel for work, we go carry on so we can use our luggage allowance for work gear. For three weeks at this time of year I would pack:
      – two bottoms (probably one skirt and one pair of pants), plus the ones I’ll wear in transit. One of these should be nicer so you can pair it with a nice top for dinners and such.
      – five “everyday” tops
      – one or two nice tops
      – a cardigan or shrug
      – one or two dresses (if two, one for hanging out in and one for going out in)
      – one set of workout gear

      I shower a lot when I’m travelling with a limited wardrobe and sweating; even just a 30s cool rinse helps. Hang today’s worn outfit in the bathroom during your next hot shower to steam it a bit, then hang it up the top somewhere dry for a couple of days before rewearing it.

      That said, for humid sweaty conditions, my “indefinite stay in Hong Kong” bag contains:
      – five light dresses
      – a casual skirt
      – two tops
      – two cardigans (HK goes big on the AC)
      – yoga gear
      – a quick drying washable silk nightgown
      – three pairs of flats (this sounds like a lot of shoes but lets me rotate shoes in bad weather: the pair I wear all day at work on Monday can be swapped for something cuter and dry in the evening, and I still have a clean, dry pair to wear to work the next day while Monday’s pair dries out from the monsoon)
      – assorted underwear etc

      This fits in half a carryon sized suitcase, and will get me through two weeks of work and socialising in the city without laundering anything but underwear and workout gear (because everything has several days to air out between wears, but packing multiple weeks of underwear and workout gear is awkward); to stay longer, I just start tossing a couple of main pieces in with each mini laundry load.

      1. BLT*

        Yay! Thank you all for the great advice.

        I’ll be headed to San Antonio, TX for a temp military move while my husband starts a school there. I don’t plan on leaving the apartment much, but it looks like it’s going to be hot and humid!

        I am 95% done packing. All my clothes fit into two packing cubes and on one side of the suitcase! I still have room in my carry on for whatever I don’t want to bring in my backpack.

        Right side:
        -5 shirts, mostly sleeveless
        -2 shorts
        -Dress
        -1 linen pant
        -1 legging pant (both pants are Uniqlo for those of you familiar with the material/style)
        -8 underwear/5 socks
        -2 sport bras, maybe one “real” bra
        -PJs
        -Sandals
        -Purse
        -UV case (PhoneSoap)

        Left side:
        -2 workout outfits
        -Item spouse requested
        -Hairbrush and toiletries
        -I may put my personal laptop on this side…but I don’t want to make my carry on so heavy that I injure myself lugging up on the overhead compartment.
        -All laptop cords
        -Book

        Backpack:
        -Work laptop
        -Personal laptop
        -iPad
        -Misc that I haven’t thought of yet

        I also got a fannypack :D They may tell me to stuff it in my backpack, but I’m going to put my wallet, hand sanitizer, wipes, and likely my glasses in there for easy access.

        Thanks again. You were all truly helpful!

    2. Anon attorney*

      I’ve done a ten day holiday with just a small carry-on bag. To a hot country! My tips are (a) go monochrome or at least ensure that everything works with everything else in terms of color and pattern. I’m quite happy with black and white but your jam might be navy and red, beige and chocolate brown… I also don’t particularly like prints and patterns which makes coordination easier; (b) fabrics – you need fabrics that will air dry and not require ironing. I’m not an expert on this but I’m thinking cotton and linen with a little lycra in the mix. I have a couple shirts which you can literally screw up into a ball and stuff into a shoe in packing but then you shake ’em out and they’re good to go; (c) wear the jacket and your heaviest shoes to travel, don’t pack them; (d) depending on your ethical view of this, buy a couple inexpensive t-shirts at the destination.

      Shoes are the issue for me. Travel in sneakers, that means dress shoes and/or flats in the bag plus perhaps sandals depending on destination.

      Good luck and safe travels.

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I follow some YouTube travelers called The Endless Adventure. They had a recent video about packing light – they each pack one carry-on case and one day pack for *months* of travel, including electronics such as laptops, drone, cameras, hair straighteners, etc. I will link in a reply.

    4. Ranon*

      For a month in quite cold weather (like long underwear every day cold) I did 7 tops (too many, could easily have done 4), 3 sweaters (only needed 2), 2 long underwear, 3 pants (too many, just needed 2), 9 socks and underwear, and the various midlayer/coat/ gloves/ hats/ boots (2 sets).

      Access to laundry and a willingness to rewear stuff really means 2-4 of a thing ought to be enough and allows you to air stuff out, I wanted to be able to go a week without washing (hence the underwear supply). A travel clothesline and a small amount of laundry detergent is handy if you don’t want to have to do full loads laundry for reasons like “spilled stuff on one pair of pants and want to wear them again before laundry day”

    5. Not A Manager*

      If you can do laundry on-site, then consciously pack for a one-week trip, not a three-week one. I usually lay out what seems reasonable to take, and then remove 25% before I actually pack.

      If I were doing the bare minimum for a summer trip, I would bring 1 pair of sandals that are comfortable to walk in if it’s not a super long walk, but pretty enough to be my dress-up shoes. (I’m a very casual person, also I don’t have foot problems, ymmv.) 1 pair of every day shoes (mine are lace-up Vans in a fun pattern). 3 pairs of pants, at least two of which can be paired with a pretty top or a light sweater and aforesaid sandals and read as “dressy.” Mine are lightweight black jeans and lightweight white jeans. A few summer skirts or sun dresses that work with the sandals. Tops that mostly work both with the “dressier” pants and the skirts. One or two sweaters or wraps.

      If you don’t have a lot of makeup and toiletries that you’re taking, all of this should easily fit into a carryon bag or be worn on the trip. I also bring detergent tablets in my favorite brand.

      The secret is that if you’re drawing a Venn diagram of what each item works with, they should *mostly* intersect and there shouldn’t be anything that’s standalone or that needs special additional items.

    6. Mimosa Jones*

      I like to start with a list of what I’ll be doing and what clothing those activities generally require. I also look at the weather and note the highs, lows, humidity, and how variable the weather can be. Many people forget about the lows and what activities they might be doing in the evenings. Some places get cold fast once the sun goes down. And I get cold easily. Once I have my lists I start pulling clothing. I like to start with my extreme outfit, like a pants outfit for a summer trip. I’ll select a basic pair of jeans, a warmer cardigan/sweater and a tee shirt that coordinates. I’ll also put out my swim or exercise clothing. Then I add more tees/tanks, a few pairs of shorts, a dress, a lighter cardigan, and maybe a skirt. Everything coordinates with everything else. Then I add shoes. I like to leave everything out for a few days so I can think about it and add or subtract. And I usually add and/or subtract something after I’ve zipped the suitcase closed. I travel enough that I have some key pieces in neutral colors that make this sort of packing easier. Once I have it set, I make a list of everything and take a picture.

      -Keep your extreme weather clothing very, very basic. Both because those pieces will coordinate easier with everything else, but also if you get an extended period of unusual weather, you won’t get stuck. I once had a pair of red pants as my only pair of pants on a summer trip and there was a long cold snap. I had to wear those pants every day for a week.
      -Think about layers. A chambray shirt looks cute unbuttoned over a tank as a light jacket and adds a layer of warmth when buttoned up over the tank or a tee and under a light cotton sweater. A rain shell also makes a good cold and wind barrier. If you can, choose one that you can fit an extra layer under.
      -You’ll need one more pair of shoes than you think. And take note of hem lengths and the shoes they require. Also consider any modesty requirements where you’re going. I wasn’t allowed in one hotel for tea because I was wearing open toe sandals.
      -I like to pack a large scarf in my travel bag. I have a light weight one for summer and a heaver one for fall and winter. It makes a great extra layer, blanket, ground cover, or emergency clothing.
      -I like maxi dresses for summer because they are cool but the length can add a little warmth to your legs and they can look dressier.
      -I’m team rolling for packing a suitcase. I’ve found it works best for fitting everything in. You will feel a little ridiculous when you’re carefully rolling your dirty clothes for the trip home but it’s worth it.
      -Some people like packing cubes for everything to help them stay organized and pack light. I find them annoying and only use them for socks and underwear.
      -Pack extra underwear. If I know I’ll be doing laundry every 7 days, I’ll pack at least 8 pairs.
      -I like to keep a list on my phone of what I wished I had brought, what worked really well, and what I didn’t need. It helps me get better each time I travel. I still feel like I overpack but I can fit it all in carry-on.

    7. Lolo*

      I did almost 4 weeks in the fall and needed to cover a climate range from 90+ to 40
      and chilly and I only did laundry once. Shoes were the bulkiest—sneakers, sandals I could walk in, and boots I wore to travel. I had a carry on sized suitcase though I did check it so I could bring a larger daypack than would fit under seat and not measure toiletries. I think it was something like 10 pairs underwear/7 socks, 2 lightweight pants, 1 jeans, 1 shorts, 5-6 short sleeve t-shirts/shells, 1 jersey dress, and then a few layering pieces: 1-2 light cardigans, thin long-sleeve button downs, 1 long sleeve knit shirt, a few accessories. I was thoroughly sick of it all and when I had to go place to place in 90 degrees, squishing my leather jacket into the case wasn’t easy but I made it work. Packing cubes were a lifesaver.

    8. Erika22*

      I traveled for three weeks in Japan in spring with one small duffel that fit everything perfectly, and the only issue I had was the shopping I did necessitating the purchase of another small duffel – but the shopping was for fun, not because I ran out of clothes!

      I definitely recommend trying to make your own “pinterest” board-style graphic with photos of your own clothing (or pieces that are very close). I did this to confirm all of the pieces I chose would mix and match easily, and it was fun to put together outfits before my trip. It was great during the trip, as I had already visualised (and tried on) different combinations, so there was less messing about with finding an outfit. It also helped me resist the urge to bring something I would normally not wear in the first place! I brought clothes I liked that were comfy and flattering – don’t try to kid yourself if you don’t normally dress up for example, or if you usually stick to solids but are eyeing that pink blouse you bought because it was on sale. (However, I’ve also found traveling is when I feel more “free” to try new styles, so YMMV!)

      I definitely sweat, and I really hate wearing clothes I’ve worn already! If you can do laundry on site, look at your itinerary and see where you have morning/evenings available to do laundry. Bring enough to get you to that first laundry day + 1 (in case there’s no dryer). I’ve done laundry in the sink as well, even with just regular hand soap. Bring clothes in fabrics you know will dry quickly and without wrinkling, and again, just make sure you have something to wear on the day your clothes are drying!

    9. heckofabecca*

      I went to Israel with a single carry-on suitcase and a backpack back in the summer of 2015. I was there for about 3 weeks, and I did laundry once. It’s definitely doable, more so if you can do laundry twice! Less so if you’re doing it during the winter, I’d imagine XD

      I read The Vivienne Files, which is a capsule wardrobe blog. Basically, choosing clothes/accessories that match each other as much ways as possible. There’s a great page that sums up her advice for travel wardrobes here: https://www.theviviennefiles.com/packing/

      Have fun and good luck!

  88. Jules the First*

    Recommendations for a skirt-with-integrated-shorts for summer workouts?

    I hate wearing shorts generally and I find that the slinky keep-cool materials for leggings etc just means that I spend half my workout yanking my pants up.

    I hike in a skirt or skort, but they’re too baggy for inversions; I have been wearing my bikini skirt for summer workouts, but it’s a bit short and got a little revealing in my last HIIT workout.

    1. Recent Grad*

      Have you tried searching for running skorts? They seem to fit the description of what you are looking for.

    2. Ranon*

      There are some cycling skorts that might be close although they’ll have some padding, but the length should be closer to what you want. I have one from Athleta that’s only lightly padded and could work in the scenario you’re describing.

    4. hermit crab*

      Some of my running friends swear by Skirt Sports (though I’ve never tried them personally). They have a LOT of variety in terms of skirt length, shorts length, waist/rise, etc. so maybe you will find a combination that you like.

    5. acmx*

      Brooks
      SkirtSports. These are better because they have elastic on the legs. They’re going out of business though so get what you can.
      InknBurn Expensive but pretty.

      1. Jules the First*

        Wow. Skirt sports look amazing and exactly what I’m looking for…but they want to charge me $100 shipping!
        I’ll check out the other two suggestions as well – thanks!

        1. acmx*

          Hmm, I’ve ordered 2 skirts and the shipping was $8ish each time. They used to have free shipping for orders over $150 (all assuming you’re in the US).

  89. Pojo Chicken of Justice*

    So, I am in the process of trying to have my information removed from MyLife.com

    Has anyone actually been successful at removing their information from that website?

    I was trying to figure out how they got the specific data that they have about me, and found out that my profile from Classmates.com, that was changed to Reunion.com was purchased by MyLife and put up for the World to see.

    I want it removed, but, Oh! First I have to *Register* with an email.
    Suddenly that email is appended to my profile URL. WTH?

    I tell the stupid site I wish to proceed and remove my information.

    Now it needs a photo of my Driver’s License.

    Does anyone have a way to put a stop to their nonsense without giving them even more information? I don’t trust them to use my info to remove anything, in fact I am sure anything I submit will just appear on the site now

    Please help if you can.

    1. MMB*

      I haven’t tried it but I found this information in an article that might help.
      Call MyLife at (888) 704-1900
      Press 3 to speak to an operator
      Customer representatives are available Monday-Friday from 6 a.m. to 7 p.m. PT, and Saturday-Sunday from 6 a.m. to 5 p.m. PT.

    2. Privacy Matters*

      I haven’t used this company, but when I was looking into how to get some personal info removed from a website, I came across it. Maybe check them out and see if it would work for you – the name of the company is DeleteMe – you’ll find their website if you search for that. They also publish a free DIY guide to getting your info removed (but also reveal why this is so hard).

      I just checked and MyLife is listed as one of the many sites they remove your data from.

      Good luck!

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I can relate. A couple times a year I look at Google for my name to see where I’m listed so I can take myself off. These sites pop up all the time and include you based on public records. Usually by looking at their Privacy Policy you can find the info. MyLife makes it harder than some other sites do to get off the list. I found the same phone number for Customer Care info that MMB linked. I appreciate the heads-up about MyLife because I found myself listed there too, and now I’ll be contacting them myself.

      Privacy Matters, thanks for the lead on DeleteMe. I’ll do some research on them to see if that would be useful.

  90. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Anyone dealt with sudden onset dizziness? I woke up this morning dizzy. Sat down and the room was spinning. Took the dog for his walk and had some mild dizziness, especially when standing up after picking up his poop. No nausea and only a teeny hint of headache, so I don’t think it’s serious, but it’s weird and I don’t know how to fix it!

    If it helps: I have a history of migraine and wouldn’t be surprised if this were just a weird migraine. I also started blood pressure meds two weeks ago, but my pressure this morning was on the high side of normal, so it’s not low bp. Yesterday we took a day trip and I drove for about 6 hours, something I haven’t done in a while, so my neck and shoulders are a little stiff.

    Interested to hear your experiences– and your tips!

    1. Grim*

      Could be positional vertigo. My wife has been dealing with it for several months and your symptoms match hers.
      BP meds can cause dizziness, but usually fades over time.
      Time to have a chat with your doctor.

    2. fposte*

      Have you looked into benign positional vertigo? It’s pretty common. If you’re okay when your head is held still and it kicks up when you move in a way that changes your head position, that could be it. You could look up Epley maneuver on YouTube (never done me any good but it’s helped some) or just be patient, as it usually settles down on its own.

      1. WG*

        fposte: Have you tried seeing a physical therapist? One visit with a PT who performed a maneuver (possibly Epley) significantly reduced by BPV symptoms. She gave me the instructions to perform the maneuver myself at home should the symptoms increase, but I found I can’t perform the maneuver on myself successfully.

    4. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Had an episode of vertigo a few years ago. I woke up on a Sunday and fell over twice on the way to the bathroom. It got worse from there. Went to the doctor and got some anti-nausea drugs and waited it out, took about a week. Has not recurred.

    5. Bex*

      When I get a weird dizzy spell, it’s almost always because I’m dehydrated. If you didn’t drink much water yesterday because of the driving and day-tripping, maybe that’s it?

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have a couple of random bouts of vertigo every year, usually lasting a few days at a time. I’m not dizzy all the time, mostly only when sitting down/getting up and when I’m lying down and turn my head. I tried the Epley method that fposte mentioned but it hasn’t really worked for me. If it lasts more than a few days, or gets worse, check in with your doctor to make sure it’s not a side effect of your new blood pressure medicine. Hope you feel better soon!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      My very first guess would be dehydration. All kinds of strange stuff happens when we are low on water. I’m a fan of check the easy stuff first.

    8. fhqwhgads*

      This happened to me frequently the first couple weeks I took bp meds and I found I couldn’t consciously tell the difference between feeling low bp or high bp. I only knew from using my bp device. Once I got used to the meds it stopped.

    9. Not a cat*

      My migraines present as dizzy w/ nausea and vomiting. When I started getting them a few years ago, they were your garden variety head pain migraine.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Any allergies/ sinus drip? Whenever I get vertigo, it’s fluid in my ears from allergies or a cold. But that hits me more when I turn my head or look up & down.

      Since yours was from standing and bending over, I’d suspect circulation first – drink lots of water and keep monitoring that BP.

  91. coffee cup*

    Hello :) I’ve been on my SSRIs since February and generally I think they’re helping. I don’t have a everyday dread at the back of my mind that I used to, and now the side effects have died down it’s fine day to day. I guess I find it weird that some days I still feel a bit depressed? Not constant and not too serious, but like today I’m definitely recognising the feeling, albeit without that usual dread in my mind… which sounds odd but it’s hard to explain exactly what I mean! I’m aware that antidepressants aren’t magic or anything, but wondered if it’s normal to occasionally have down days when mostly they seem to be working? If that makes sense. I don’t know anyone else IRL taking them so can’t ask, so hoped someone with experience of them might be able to reassure me (or not!).

    1. Overeducated*

      I don’t know the answer, but having read your posts for several months, I’m glad they are helping a bit. I know what you mean about waking up with dread every day from another time in my life and it is a big deal for that to lift.

    2. MMB*

      It does happen. (I take Lexapro/Escitalopram). It’s normal and natural to still have hormonal fluctuations and emotions – the same way you feel happy some days or angry – but if it’s a concerning level of sadness or happening frequently you should definitely talk to your Dr. and see if you need to adjust your dosage.

    3. Koala dreams*

      Yes, it’s normal. Mostly the medicine just takes away the worst symptoms, but you won’t get happy happy. If you feel that the down days are still a problem, you can talk to your medical provider about changing the dose/medicine or supplementing with additional treatment (talk terapy, physical therapy, or something else).

  92. Overeducated*

    Super privileged question here…how do you determine when you can spend vs save “extra” money? This is kind of a new situation for me! I’m curious how responsible adults lucky enough to have more than they need make these choices.

    My spouse and I have been renting, living like grad students, and saving for a down payment for years. We are now buying a smaller, cheaper, further out home than we’d planned on, which leaves us a healthy amount extra in savings, plus a mortgage lower than our rent. It’s not a dream house but it has potential, and if immediate repairs don’t cost too much, there are a couple major projects we’d like to do to make it more functional for our needs. But does spending up front cancel out the point of getting a cheaper home? Would it make a lot more sense to invest the extra? Something in between, like one project every year and space out the big ones? (We have a healthy emergency fund, are saving for retirement and kids’ college funds but not at a maxing out level, and have no other debt.)

    I’m curious how you wise commenters go about your financial decision making processes. I think others have asked similar questions before, but my search term ideas are too general to be useful. Thanks!

    1. not a telephone*

      I’m probably not useful as a comparison: we bought this condo 15 years ago. there was(is) a home reno that would make the place far more functional than it is. We haven’t done it yet, and will likely sell before we get there, so. On the other hand, I would completely max out retirement/college funds first. But really, it depends on what ‘functional for your needs’ means, and how important that is for you.

      1. Overeducated*

        Honestly we are not at the income level where completely maxing out retirement funds to the legal limits is an option for us. You need to start at a certain point to be able to skim off almost $50k/year for savings. But i will take this as a vote to keep avoiding all unnecessary spending.

        As for functionality, I am compromising on certain “must haves” for this house (strong preferences, not safety issues) because there ways we could alter the house to have them. We don’t need them all immediately, but if I knew I’d *definitely* never do any of them, I would not have been willing to buy the house.

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      Congratulations! I’d live with the house as is for a while to see what you really want in those improvements you’re planning. You might find different things livable/unlivable and come up with different solutions. We knew we wanted a kitchen island and set-up a temporary one on the cheap to figure out what fit the room and our needs.

      But also consider the things that you would enjoy. Those changes you’re planning don’t so much cancel out the savings as become part of the price of the home. You can enjoy them longer, the sooner you do them. We lived with the paint that came with one house until just before we moved and then gave everything a fresh coat. We really wish we had painted for us to enjoy. So if there’s painting you want to do, do it before you move in or before you’ve fully unpacked. It will be much easier and make the place feel like yours faster. If you’re putting in energy efficient appliances or windows, you’ll have longer to recoup the cost in energy savings.

      Not sure if you’ve taken this into account, but just switching from renting to owning can be expensive. There’s both the buying stuff you never needed before, like a lawn mower and tools, but also what we jokingly refer to as the Hardware Store bill. It seems owning a home includes regular maintenance costs each month, especially those first few years. And houses often have a “welcome to the home” major expenditure/emergency within the first few months. Every repair or improvement will involve an extra trip to the store, at least one return, many blue words, and you wondering what on earth the previous owner was thinking. You can also end up feeling like you’re living in a “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie” story.

      1. Overeducated*

        Thanks. This is very thoughtful and helpful. I like the idea of living with it as it is for a while in case our ideas change, but thinking about what is best to do before moving in as well. Maybe paint and safety necessities first.

        We are trying to account for the increased costs but not sure how! My husband said “with $300/month less than rent, we can do a lot of new house stuff,” but I told him we’re not saving anything if we spend it all!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          If you’re gonna paint, definitely do it before you move in, or at least in rooms that you haven’t moved furniture in. (And if you’re doing floors too, paint FIRST, THEN do the floors.)

      2. Reba*

        Agree with all of this. “Give a mouse a cookie” — this is so accurate, lol.

        We did some needed electrical fixes and and new faucet when we moved in to our condo, and lately have been doing lots of minor home improvements while working towards a kitchen reno. *Everything* you do will lead to something else you could do. New laundry machines — btw that panel is not up to code. Changing the door to utility closet — were you aware that the HVAC is literally on its last legs? etc. etc.

        Once you are in, you will be better able to prioritize and then budget for those things.

        Hope you enjoy your new place!

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        and you wondering what on earth the previous owner was thinking

        AMEN. I bought my house from an exotic dancer (literally, she incorporated, so I regularly still get not only junk mail, but also mail from the IRS and the state department of revenue to My Tits, LLC) who did some crazy terrible DIY and in many cases, I’m amazed that what she did held up at all. God knows how, the kitchen cabinets that they didn’t bother to mount on studs lasted for years without pulling out of the drywall. (They literally just used three times as many screws as one normally would need and just sank them into the drywall every which way, but we didn’t find that out until the pros doing my actual kitchen reno started taking the old ones down.) Took a Sawzall to get the microwave down from however they managed to put it up. The shelves in my garage are big old antique dining room type sideboards that are literally nail-gunned to the wall, about six inches off the floor – like, they’re not sitting on the floor at all, there’s about 2″ of each one at the back that’s balanced on a little 2″ ledge that sticks out along the base of the wall, but otherwise they’re just nail-gunned up willy-nilly. And none of what she did that’s wonky is anything we would’ve thought to look for, so it was all Entertaining Surprises. :P

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            For the first two years I lived in my house, Facebook regularly asked me if I wanted to check in at My Tits. NO THANK YOU, NO I DO NOT, AND NEITHER DOES ANYBODY ELSE IF THEY KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM. Hah. :) At least that’s finally stopped. A friend of mine keeps threatening to send mail to My Tits, the only thing stopping her is the risk that it would be the ONE piece of mail that would actually get forwarded to the lady’s correct address. :P

            I got the first piece of mail about two weeks after we moved in and it was from the state DOR – I literally stood in my driveway with my mouth hanging open for two solid minutes, then went inside, threw it at my housemate and was like “WHAT IS EVEN MY LIFE.”

    3. Ali G*

      We were in a similar situation. My advice is to take care of anything that needs to be fixed for your comfort/safety first. We lived in the house for 2 years before doing major projects. That way we knew what the priorities for and what worked and didn’t work for us in the house. Also there might be “surprise” things you need to take care of, and you don’t want to spend all your money on fun stuff and then find out you need to fix the foundation or something. We ended up having to replace and upgrade our entire electrical box because it was over loaded. Once I was using the toaster and the fridge kicked on and the TV switched off.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        The toaster kicked the tv off and the fridge on. ha! I have heard of stuff like this. One place had a problem that if you flushed the toilet the computer quit. (The toilet had a pump. The pump was on the same circuit as the computer… makes sense once explained. lol.)

        I totally agree about waiting two years. You want to go through the seasons and watch what happens to the property. Does all the water run down hill and turn your driveway into a skating rink? Do you lose power frequently? What about summer sun, is your house blazing hot all summer?
        Here we have a predictable brutal north to south wind. Our cars freeze, our doors freeze, the oil line freezes. The north wall of the house is 18″ inches thick because this wind is that reliable. We had to get a plan, FAST.

        Keep track of your hidden expenses such as garbage removal, septic pump outs, pest problems, maintenance expenses for yard equipment/or money paid to a pro to do stuff for you.
        Not to be negative but your commuting costs will go up and your insurance may go up because of the longer commute. So your cars will need oil changes more frequently and possibly new tires more often. I moved out a ways from town and I now buy snow tires. (That right there is at least $1k).

        Some of our bills we brought on ourselves such as we decided to have pets right away. He had motorcycles. These things are so easy to add into the mix and not realize how many more expenses we just picked up.

        I am a huge fan of putting that money aside and just waiting. It’s one problem when the hot water tank quits, it’s a much larger problem if finding the money to pay for it causes stress/worry. And usually these things break in groups. (Floor caving in + hot water tank + head gasket for car = 5k in one month. Another time, the fridge, washer and dryer all quit one by one over a short period of time. Each time I was so very fortunate to be able to pay for everything out of savings.)

        If two years feels to long for you, at least start by waiting six months before doing anything that is not absolutely necessary right now. See how the six months goes for you. Definitely do small projects such as painting or shelving or other small things that help you to make the house actually yours.

        1. Overeducated*

          Thanks, this is very helpful. I don’t think our commuting costs will go up because we made huge tradeoffs on space to be walkable to the commuter rail and schools, but other costs likely will, e.g. heating and cooling costs and new furnishings. Maybe our approach should be smallest DIY projects first.

      2. Overeducated*

        Thanks. We are definitely prioritizing necessities first. We are crossing fingers that inspection identifies most of the major stuff (we already know about some safety-related window issues) and we can negotiate with the seller to keep the costs manageable. But inspections are visual, so maybe best to stick to small and affordable DIY “fun stuff” for the first year or two just in case.

        1. Ali G*

          Inspections don’t show you anything, but should reveal any dealbreakers or things that may make you want to get some concessions from the current owner. The electrical box example I had above is an example of that. We knew we needed to upgrade it from the inspection, but we didn’t realize that it was an actual hazard and would impact our daily lives. I basically had to turn everything off if I needed to vacuum! My husband was spending 50% of his time on the other coast for work when we moved so I was dealing with it all myself. It was not great.
          But we didn’t know that the porch roof was going to go in 2 years ($7k) or that the flashing on the chimney was shot and water was getting in, etc. etc.
          The payoff is that you get to do whatever you want!! Woo-hoo! Good luck!

          2. Overeducated*

            I suspect that the more issues that come up in an inspection, the more surprises you might be getting in the relatively short term….

    4. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      We bought a “done, move in” house, and have spent money on it every year (including major purchases like improved insulation and PV cells/solar panels).

      House ownership is constantly expensive, and that’s where the difference between mortgage and rent comes in. If your monthly outgoings permit, I’d consider coverage for disasters – you can insure almost anything with low excess, take out extended warranties on white goods, etc. It’s very reassuring to know that in an emergency someone else will fix stuff, make good, replace, find alternative accommodation, whatever, and that a single year with multiple emergencies (maybe the roof leaks, then the brickwork starts to crack, and the washing machine dies with your favourite sweater trapped inside – all in a week) won’t break you.

      1. Ali G*

        We have friends that built a brand new house from the ground up and they still are doing stuff too! It really never ends.
        Given the age of our house, even though it’s in really great shape, I guarantee in the next 5 years, we are looking at new roof, new HVAC, and probably new appliances. That’s easily $40-50k total. Hopefully not all at once :)

        1. Overeducated*

          Oh dear. I’m budgeting for a few thousand a year in repairs and maintenance, but not on the order of $10k/yr…how do non-rich people own homes?!

          1. ThatGirl*

            You pray not everything goes at once and you finance things. If you have good credit you can often get 0% interest. Over 8 years here we replaced HVAC, all major appliances, and new front door.

            1. Overeducated*

              At least we’re starting off with no HVAC? Ha ha ha…at least we will have our own dishwasher and washing machine for the first time in our adult lives, so it will feel a little luxurious.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            “how do non-rich people own homes?!”

            Writing a budget for the known expenses helps. This will be a foundation to work off of.

            Have a reasonable idea of how old things are- such as your roof, furnace, etc. This allows you to figure out when they might come due for replacement.

            The next thing is to make it a habit to know where all the clearance and outlet stores for home supplies are in your area. There’s several building supply clearance stores in my area. And there is a rug outlet. I needed a 13 x 15 rug and almost missed some heartbeats when I googled the prices. I found a rug at the outlet for $99. I needed the ends bound, $230, and delivery. $50. This was much cheaper than the $5-10k rugs I saw on the internet.

            Even clearance tables are regular stores can be helpful. For one project I suddenly needed 3 gallons or more of paint. I went to Lowe’s and made a bee-line for their reduced paints. I bought a 5 gallon buck of paint for $30. It was regularly just over $200. (Yes, you will get good at this stuff. It can happen!)

            Any time you do any major work/replacement take the time to put the warranty papers where you will be able to find them. Don’t skip this step. Just being able to find the paperwork on my hot water heater saved me $800 on the next hot water heater as I got it for free.

            Start talking to people now to find out who has a good rep in your area for various things- who is good with furnaces, who is good with roofs, etc. Write this information down (and who recommended the person) and keep it in a note book*. Be sure to ask people WHY they liked that person or company. You will notice that some answers are much, much stronger answers than other answers.

            Find those good companies and stay with them. I have been with my oil company for 28 years. Once in a while they toss me a bonus, I get a break on something or they reduce their bill for some reason. It’s good to offer them coffee when they come. My friend who works as a carpenter was super impressed with the oil company folks. Find good people and keep with them. I put my oil on a budget plan, this way there are no huge, crushing oil bills in the middle of winter. I pay the same amount each month.

            If you have the storage space it’s fine to buy/or get free things ahead of time here and there. For example, I knew I wanted to get rid of the sink in the laundry room. I got a utility sink out of my father’s estate. I put it in the attic. When I finally redid the laundry room (20 years later!) I already had the sink on hand. I tried just to get things that would store well. The mice would kill insulation before I ever used it, so I did not get things like insulation.

            Some stuff I picked up used. The tractor was used, we figured we saved a whooping $7K on that model. It’s been 17 years and I am still using it.

            *Notebook. They make journal books for houses. The pages are pre-printed to help you organize your information. I seriously recommend getting one. I can keep track of – the names of contractors, brands of paint and the last time the septic was pumped. I keep recommendations from friends in this book. All these tidbits of info can be put in this book. It took me over 20 years to break down and do this. Don’t be me and wait that long. ;)
            I think i will end up getting a new one in a while, because now that I see how I am using it I am starting to want to organize it better.

            If I had it to do differently there is one thing that bugs me more than other things. I would have spent less time trying to get brand new stuff. I am surprised by how I get tired of things, I am surprised by how fast stuff wears out and needs to be replaced. The last 15 years, I have made more purchases at tag sales than ever. It’s a real pressure relief to shop this way.

            1. Auntie Social*

              At a minimum, keep a paint diary on your phone. Well meaning people make it suddenly necessary to repaint. Be sure to include gloss level.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yup – I bought my house five years ago in September, and I’ve done a kitchen reno (originally elective, but once we found out how the cabinets were put up, I retroactively moved that over into the “probably necessary” column) including all major appliances, replaced the washer and dryer, new HVAC, new hot water heater, new sump pump and battery backup system, new garage door and opener, new patio sliding door, and new windows all around (because the slider and windows were the 30 year old originals and they saved me $400 on my power bill in the first year alone). Also some fence repairs and some deck repairs, had some diseased bushes and trees removed, and the rickety 25 year old kid’s playground set taken down.

          Thing I learned from the hot water heater and sump pump replacements, by the way: GET WATER ALARMS OMG. Anything that went leaky/overflowing, did so before 8am, which meant that if I didn’t have a water alarm under the water heater or next to the sump pit that started screaming the instant it got a drop of water on its sensors, it would’ve easily been at least a couple hours before anyone noticed, if not longer. $12 each on Amazon (more if you want the wifi-connected ones that will ping your phone, but mine are just loud, and the basement is mostly the housemate’s pseudo-apartment so he’s always down there), operated on 9v batteries.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Three of the last four rentals I lived in before I bought my house had water issues of some sort and I was so tired of being surprised by wet feet and ruined belongings. :-P So I was like, “internet, is there a thing that will warn me fast if any of this happens again?” And shazam!

              Mine are the Glentronics model that is the “Amazon’s Choice” if you search for “water alarm”. I can hear them in the basement on the main level, probably not from the second floor though. They’ve saved our stuff a couple times.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Some places require by law septic tank alarms. You have to get pumped out. Let’s say you ignore the alarm. The system then shuts off your water.
              I am not thrilled about this law because not everyone has several hundred dollars to lay out on a moment’s notice. I am not clear on how the government can cut off water which is a basic human need for survival…… But apparently this is what is happening now.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Our priorities are 1) pay off debt; 2) build up an emergency cushion to 6 months basic expenses; 3) Save 10-15 percent for retirement.

      Now, in there we also save up for car repair, replacing high-ticket items like appliances, and traveling to see family.

      If a non-routine and non-necessity puchase comes up (like say, our sofa is getting worn out) we would look at our budget and see where we could find the money without compromising more important goals. That might mean saving up, or it might mean postponing a less important goal by reprioritizing.

  93. DarthVelma*

    I’m not seeing the gaming thread, so I’ll start it. What’s everybody playing this week? Anyone found a new game to share?

    We’re still doing a lot of Magic this weekend. I got the last cards I needed for my commander hate deck and we play tested it yesterday. Success! I turned several big scary things into elks, frogs, and colorless land. And I got to pull the big whammy and turned my partner’s gigantic dinosaur commander into a 0/1 insect that he couldn’t kill to get his dinosaur back. It was awesome! I’m pretty proud since it’s the first commander deck I’ve built using mechanics instead of tribal. I think my next deck is going to be red aggro – that’s my jam in regular Magic and I want to see if it’ll work at all in commander.

    Next weekend I think we’re going to play Star Wars: X-Wing. Gonna spend this week putting together squads. I’m really excited – we finally got the rules for the large ships! Up until now we haven’t played with anything larger than the Millennium Falcon. Should be an adventure. If anyone has experience moving up to the big ships – I’m all ears.

    On the video game front, the partner has gotten addicted to Avorion. I’m enjoying the soundtrack. A lot of the time it sounds like intro music to the Carl Sagan version of Cosmos. :-) And some of the ships folks have built in this game are just amazing. I’ve seen versions of ships from Star Wars, Star Trek, and Stargate. Someone even did the ship from Starblazers – which blew my mind.

    1. Koala dreams*

      This week I got to play the Dungeon Mayhem game. It’s fairly quick and easy to learn. It’s a card game where you throw daggers until one person is the last one alive. Usually it’s very quick! I still haven’t had any opportunity for playing my new forest themed game. Maybe later in the summer?

      1. DarthVelma*

        Dungeon Mayhem looks like fun. We’re always looking for a quick game we can play while less than sober. Gonna show this one to the partner. Thanks. :-)

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      We found a new to us board game called Ravine! It’s a cooperative game for 3-6 people where you try to stay alive after a plane crash. Highly recommend!

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t stop with EverMerge. It’s a phone game with a little fairytale land where you merge bits together and get other bits you can build stuff with. There are timers on stuff, and I often have to put it down and wait. I refuse to make any in-game purchases with actual money in any game.
      Still working my way along in Best Fiends too. I have so many console and PC games I haven’t played, but my consoles are packed. I could be finishing up the Myst series, but I’m saving that for when I need something to relax after work (if I ever find any).

  94. Epsilon Delta*

    Does anyone make their own shampoo? I’m going to participate in Plastic Free July and figured that now is a great time to experiment with making and using my own shampoo since I’m still working from home.

    So if you make your own shampoo – what is your recipe? How long did it take for your hair to adjust? Any tips for someone looking to try this for the first time? If it makes a difference I have very fine, long hair and tend to have a dry scalp.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Not plastic free. However a while ago, I started using Jason body wash on my hair. Then I found that I could quit buying hair care products because my hair stopped misbehaving so much. A bottle of the body wash lasts me close to nine months. My hair is fine. I used to have dryness problems but I make a large effort to get in my required amount of water each day and I added healthy oils to my diet. With these changes my hair also improved.

    2. Bex*

      I’ve looked at DIY shampoo for the same reason, but most of the recipes involve ingredients that come in plastic, which kind of defeated the point for me! The two alternatives I’ve been looking into now are bar shampoos (from places like Lush, Acure, Zero Waste Store etc) and bulk shampoo from the local co-op store, where I can bring in my own bottle and refill. Right now I’m using the Honey I Washed My Hair bar from Lush. It’s a tiny bit heavy for my super fine hair, but the smell is amazing and it lasts forever.

    3. Rebecca*

      I made shampoo bars, all the way from scratch (lye, fats, etc.). I used citric acid for a rinse after shampooing. Thanks for the bump – I need to get back into home made soap making.

    4. Margaret*

      I’ve never made my own (same for laundry detergent), because as someone mentioned above, it’s really just buying different products in packaging! Maybe it increases the bulk you’re buying at once so helps a little, but not that much.

      I second the suggestion to try shampoo bars. I order from Basin, can’t recall offhand what the outer packaging is but the soap comes 4 bars in a cardboard tube, only plastic is the caps on the ends of the tube. Pretty minimal! (And in social distancing I’m also experimenting with washing my hair less often, so they last quite a while!). They have a physical store in Las Vegas so I’ve also stocked up when traveling there for no packaging (they’re in bins kind of like at Lush). Lush would be another option that if you can go to a store can get with minimal to no packaging, although for me the scents are bit too strong.

    5. Recent Grad*

      I switched to the JR Liggett unscented shampoo bar a few months ago and have really liked it. It comes wrapped in paper so it is plastic free. You will probably still want to use something to moisturize after though.

    6. IntoTheSarchasm*

      I am very interested in learning more about shampoo bars after reading this discussion. Is there any need to condition after? I have pretty fine hair and I find regular or leave in conditioner makes it easier to work with, although I don’t do much with it, just comb it out and occasional blow dry if in a hurry. I saw the comment on using citric acid after shampooing but will need to research that a bit more too. TIA!

  95. miho*

    A little late to the party, but I would love some input: Should I visit my family in my home country right now?

    Here’s my dilemma: I’m in the US right now, and my family is in Asia. I’ve been put on unpaid furlough starting July, and the furlough period is supposed to last until September. They will re-evaluate every 30 days to see if there’s enough work to bring me back, but I am not at all hopeful. I want to use this time and go back to my home country, but my home country requires a 14 day quarantine (tracked by the government) upon arrival. This means that I would be stuck in a hotel room by myself and not see my family for 14 days. If I were to get called back to work in August (which seems unlikely), that means I would really only get to spend 2 weeks in July with my family.

    On top of that, when I return to the US, my roommates would like me to self quarantine in a hotel room for another 14 days for their health and safety. I would go on this trip in a heartbeat if it weren’t for these quarantines, but now I am not sure if it’s worth is considering the cost of flights + hotels + time spent in isolation + possibility of COVID….

    1. matcha123*

      I’m your opposite…in Asia with family in the US. But no way am I going to attempt to visit them.
      I feel like the risks are still too high. Even if I am fine, the travel from home to the airport, the flight, and then the US airport to ??? are all spots where I could pick up something.
      Then 14 days of quarantine, probably paid out of pocket? I can’t afford that and neither can my family. That’d be a potential 14 days in the US and then 14 days when I return (28 days) and if I was aiming for 2 weeks with family, they still have work…

      I guess if your financial situation allows it, you could try. But I worry that I could be an asymptomatic carrier and infect my family. They aren’t rich. So, continuing with Gchat and such it is.

    2. Walker One*

      I personally would not even consider travelling internationally at the moment, as the risks are just too great that you will contract or spread the virus. Those quarantine periods should be non-negotiable, as they are absolutely essential for the safety of others, so if that makes the trip undesirable that should tell you everything you need to know.

      Only you can decide it it’s worth it to you with those restrictions, of course.

      (I’d use this time to start job hunting if I was you!)

    3. Not A Manager*

      I would do it unless you personally are at high risk of complications or you have some other reason to especially fear getting sick.

      In my opinion, traveling isn’t going to get any easier or safer in the next few years. And, to be brutally honest, even if it DOES get easier and safer in parts of the world, any intelligent government is going to impose restrictions on travelers coming from the U.S. because of our abysmal public health policies. Given the risk of additional “waves” of virus, if you’re planning to travel at all before there’s a vaccine, it might as well be now.

      Similarly, this might be the best time for you economically as well. If your furlough continues to provide health insurance and other benefits, then waiting until you are either (a) re-employed and required to be at work or (b) unemployed with everything that entails might not be the best choice.

      If you want to travel to your home country within the next few years, and you don’t think you’re taking a huge health or economic risk to do it now, I would do it.

      1. WellRed*

        I agree with this and would add I think you should see if there’s a compromise to be made with your roommates. You live there too and two weeks in a hotel seems excess? One week? Can you get a test? Stay in your room?

        1. WellRed*

          Wanted to add, my new roommate moved up in mid May from NYC. No, it’s not international travel, but we’re all fine.

  96. Ali G*

    This is late, but what’s cooking, everyone? We got a tri tip in our Butcher Box and I am going to grill it. Never cooked this cut before! Any “tips” appreciated :) I’m going to make a big salad and maybe a potato for Hubs and I to split. We don’t have kids, but today is our 6th anniversary, so still a special day for us!
    What have you tried lately?
    Happy Father’s Day to those that celebrate!

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Oh, that sounds good! I would put a rub on it, refrigerate for an hour, then grill. There’s a good recipe for Santa Maria Style Tri-Tip on JessicaGalvindotcom.

    2. Jaid*

      I’ve been making miso ginger salad dressing which is addictive enough to use as a dip.

      2tbs miso paste
      6tbs mayo or yogurt
      1-2 tsp rice wine vinegar (to taste)
      Dash of sesame oil (to taste)
      Pinch of sugar (to taste)
      Crushed ginger (to taste, I use the squeeze bottle stuff from the supermarket)

      I’ve also made a miso glazed eggplant. Hooo, delicious.

    3. WellRed*

      Nothing exciting but after years after using a quesadilla maker, I’ve discovered how much better they are done in a frying pan with a touch of oil.

  97. Modem-Router-WiFi Question*

    Is it possible that the combo of running my washer, dryer, modem, and router in the same room, is taking my internet access off line? I have a puzzle that I need hive mind help with….

    So last weekend I moved the router – only – from the middle of the house, to the back of the house, into the laundry room. (This is so it would reach the loft over the garage, which the wifi now does. And the wifi is strong enough – when working – to reach the front of the “shotgun style” house).

    Success, right? The modem was already there, and has a very short connection cord in from Comcast to it. Only the router moved.

    On two subsequent days (Thursday and Friday – I completely loss internet access to the modem. Comcast swears up and down that no work is being done in my area. They insisted it was my equipment, but since in both cases, it came back on, I don’t think it is the actual equipment itself. (The modem I bought but is on their spec list – I haven’t moved it, but the cabinet it was in – the door to that cabinet is now open.). The router is a very good 2G/5G. I have fine wifi WHEN I have the internet to the modem.

    The comcast guy asked if it was close to the refrigerator- no (router previously was but worked fine even so, for 3 years).

    The fact that it works flawlessly at some times, and then kicks off, is super frustrating.

    This creates a real problem for me – I actually had to find access to do a major presentation. (wound up driving to my workplace at high speed). When I returned home after work,the internet was back on.

    Is it possible that it is a combination of factors? For sure, on Friday, I was running the washer and the dryer, at the same time as I was logged in…

    Or is it possible that they ARE doing work in my area, just that neither the customer service agent (Thursday) or the business account manager (Friday) could SEE that there was any work being done.

    This is not my area of expertise, and I am loathe to spend to upgrade if there is an underlying problem.
    Note, the modem is 2 years old, router 3 years old and was top of line at the time… and from the fact that the router (one of those ASUS ones with a bevy of antennas) goes through 3 exterior walls and over 100 yards in all directions – I’m not sure it’s really obsolete either.

    Ideas? I thought I’d try running laundry in both machines today, and log on again and try and see if the internet into the modem goes away again….

    Suggestions? I think Comcast will just try to rent me a new modem, but since this one is STILL on their spec list, my trust level is low.

    1. Cherylblossom*

      I think yes! I’m not in IT at all, but I was talking with the IT guy in my office who was helping me troubleshoot a tech issue re:work from home and he was telling me all about how HIS internet gets interrupted by using the washer/dryer. There’s a tech reason, which I can’t remember, but for sure it had to do with the washer/dryer.

      1. OP*

        I am hoping this is it, and great to hear that someone besides me had interference with their modem. (The router has none, interestingly, from that laundry pair – just the modem).

    2. Worked in IT forever*

      It seems odd that the appliances you mention would cause a problem. At one point, we did have a microwave that (when we ran it) would mess up the WiFi. But a microwave uses … waves. So I can see why there might be interference. But aren’t all washers and dryers just mechanical?

    3. WellRed*

      Did you try moving router back to see if that solves the problem?
      You mention sales and customer service? Is CS actually a tech? If not, ask for one. There could be some sort of interference on the line or channel. I had that issue and they were able to take care of it while I was on the phone. I’m assuming there’s no chimneys or anything like that which could be blocking your waves. (Can you tell I also live in a long kinda house and have had issues?)

    4. Dr. Anonymouse*

      Can you hook up a direct Ethernet connection and see if the problem goes away? At least then all you have to do is, well, okay, at this point you’d have to do your presentation within Ethernet cable’s distance of your laundry room, but it beats driving. But if you plug into the router directly and your problem goes away, then it’s your wifi and not your modem.

      1. OP*

        I used the ethernet, and went directly from the modem to the computer (the old fashioned way). I actually do that when I have huge files or am backing up to my drive on the cloud at work.

        But in this case, it is definitely the modem that isn’t even getting internet… so I may need to dig a little deeper. It’s a puzzle!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      This reminds me of the flushing toilet that shut down the computer.

      It turned out that the pump for the waste water was on the same circuit as the computer.

      Your dryer should be on it’s own circuit by itself. But the washer-that could be sharing a different circuit.
      You could have a pump that pumps your wash water out and that could be kicking on and drawing too much juice.

  98. Worked in IT forever*

    Hi,

    I have some dumb wine questions.

    Over the years, my husband and I have accumulated a bunch of bottles of wine that we aren’t going to use. (I don’t like wine, and he is a very occasional wine drinker.) We would like to give anything that might be usable to a family member who does drink wine, with the warning that he should toss whatever he thinks is no good. I don’t want to unload anything on him that’s definitely no good, though, so I’d like to do an initial cull. Can someone help me with some guidelines on what to immediately toss and what to pass along? (BTW, I have read that wines have expiry dates on them, but that doesn’t seem to be required here in Canada, because none of our bottles have expiry dates.)

    Here’s what we have:

    –There’s some chardonnay from 2017 and some sauvignon blanc from 2015, all decent quality but not high end. I am guessing that the chardonnay is probably OK and that the sauvignon blanc might be OK.
    –There are a bunch of white wines (again, decent quality but not high end; still and sparkling) from the early aughts (like 2002) and the early years of the last decade, like 2010 and 2012. I assume these are now all garbage.
    –There are a few rosés and fruit wines with no dates. I have no clue when we acquired them, and they were probably pretty mediocre quality at best. So I’m pretty sure these are also garbage.
    –There’s a merlot from 2009 and a “red” from 2007. Could the merlot be OK?

    Thanks.

    —

    1. Worked in IT forever*

      Oops, I was wrong about the chardonnay and sauvignon blancs. The sauvignon blancs are all from 2017, as is one bottle of chardonnay. The other chardonnays are from 2015. I don’t know whether that makes a difference.

    2. it happens*

      There’s no way to tell if they’re still ok without opening them. Also, the label year and the year you received them aren’t the same. How have they been stored? Have they been at a consistent temp most of the time, or in a place that gets hot and cold? Wines like a consistent, cool (60s/70 degrees F) temp. The only one that I would be really questioning is the fruit wine, so much sugar makes it more likely to turn. But giving them to someone with the disclaimer that you just don’t know would be fine.
      Let someone drink them!

        1. Worked in IT forever*

          Thanks.

          Some of the wine we bought to have on hand for parties (in which case, it came straight from the liquor store). I’m assuming that whatever was given to us was bought not long before it was given to us, so it probably wasn’t sitting in any hot or cold places for very long before we got it.

          The problem might be how we stored the bottles after we got them. We stored the reds and some of the whites in a basement cupboard, where it’s probably around 70 degrees year round. But we’ve being storing the rest of the whites and the fruit wines and rosés in an extra fridge, so they’ve been pretty cold for a very long time.

          1. Lcsa99*

            Its possible some of the wines in the 70 degree cabinet went bad but if I had someone offering me, I would take them anyway and see what happens. Some grapes are more robust than others so you never know.

          2. WellRed*

            If they haven’t been opened and haven’t been stored in direct sunlight for years they should be fine, especially the whites.

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Just ask him over to take what he wants. He’s the wine person, let him pick.

  99. Lcsa99*

    You can’t tell from the year because wines generally get better as they age, especially reds. But you can look at the corks. Do they seem exceptionally dry or discolored in spots? You likely won’t be able to see that without cutting the foil but you CAN cut the foil without opening the bottle. Just let your relative know thats what you did and why.

    Also, how did you store them? Were they standing up, or laying on their side? Were they somewhere sunlight or heat might have gotten to them, or a dark cool place? If they were laying on their side in the dark its much less likely they went sour.

    All of this can give you an idea if they are OK or of you should toss, but you could end up tossing good wine or keeping bad. If your relative is a big wine drinker, I’d just give them a heads up that you don’t know the condition and let them take the risk. As far as I know, wine that’s gone bad won’t make them sick, it’ll just taste and smell bad and I know I’d be excited to try some older reds.

  100. Valancy Snaith*

    This is late, but I’m wondering about other opinions.

    We had our foundation repaired for some minor damage last year. This spring I had some water in it and asked that they come out and have another look to determine what was going on. They scheduled, then cancelled the day-of citing a family emergency. I left it a week, then called again asking when they might reschedule. Didn’t hear a thing. It’s been four full weeks now, and I’ve left a few voicemails, text messages, emails, etc., and finally called yesterday saying that while I understood if personal circumstances were an issue, I was really tired of the total lack of response and warned him I was going to leave an accurate Google review saying how hard it was to get an answer.

    I finally got an email back today (from an email I sent a 10+ days ago) saying that he was really sorry but there had been a death in the family and he was taking it hard and there was a lot going on, etc. On the one hand, I fully understand that. I do. But I’ve also been in a similar position, and it takes all of thirty seconds to email someone back to say “I’m so sorry, we’ve had a death in the family/whatever, I’ll be in touch when available.”

    He then finished off the email saying he was “forcing himself back to work” and now I’m not sure how to feel. I’ve never had an issue like this with a contractor before, and I feel super awkward about it! What should I do/say?

    1. Generic Name*

      I’d cut him loose. Obviously, you can be kind about it, but you need to find someone who is up to the job, not someone who is forcing themselves to do it. It’s totally understandable given what he’s going thought, but I’d worry he’d make a big mistake.

    2. Pennyworth*

      Getting a response out of tradespeople can sometimes be like drawing teeth. If what you are feeling bad about is him ‘forcing himself back to work’ and you are able to wait a while, you could email him back and say that you are willing to defer a bit but need to set a definite date.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. When contractors have too much work this is normal behavior for them.

        I would simply apologize for not knowing of his loss and for the loss itself. Thank him for being candid/getting back to you/whichever. Contractors can get treated like real crap when it comes to taking personal time. Customers can get vicious. That is probably why he did not contact you- he has no way of know who is going to start screaming. I wish I was exaggerating, but I am not.

        If you really want this particular person to come back you can make yourself stand out by being kind and thoughtful. You can still ask him to set a firm date in the near future. That is fine also.
        If you prefer to move on to someone else, that is also fine as he probably has a backlog now. If this is the case just say, “I have decided to go with someone else but I do wish you the best.” He will be relieved you did not scream and cuss.

  101. I'm just here for the cats*

    Has anyone had any luck with the mattress in a box type of mattress. Iv seen both memory foam and spring mattresses. Any recommendations?

    1. Overeducated*

      I asked for recs on this a couple months ago! Wound up getting the Allswell Luxe, which I found when looking into the Tuft & Needle mattresses people here recommended. I think it’s a hybrid one. Happy so far!

    3. Katniss Evergreen*

      Husband and I have a Leesa mattress that we really like! Their financing options and being able to try the real thing in a Macy’s (obviously not a great idea now) sealed the deal for us. Ours is the hybrid kind – springs and foam. It’s very nice and comfortable!

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