coworker is allergic to me because of my cats, referencing pop culture in an interview, and more

by Alison Green on September 30, 2024

I’m off for a few days. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My colleague is allergic to me because of my cats

I’m a brand new manager in a public services environment. I have two cats, who are not particularly hairy, and I wash my clothes – and myself – in the usual customary manner for our Western culture. I also use a lint roller and vacuum my home thoroughly, but pet hair is pet hair, and it gets into things whether I like it or not. One of my staff members is very, very allergic to cats. In our 1:1 meetings, we have to sit outside my office in a common area to keep him from swelling up and experiencing full-on watery eyes. Fortunately, we can schedule these meetings at a time when no one else is within earshot of the space, but it isn’t fair to him or to me to be somewhere that can’t have some privacy from walk-throughs.

I am at a loss as to what to do next, short of evicting my pets. Others with cat allergies don’t seem to have this problem around me, and I don’t wear scents or use personal products with an overwhelming perfume; my first career was as a professional musician, and due to close proximity to others, perfumes and colognes were a big no-no. I didn’t have issues with cat-allergic colleagues in that world, either. For seven years, I sat shoulder-to-shoulder with someone who was seriously allergic to cats and nothing like this happened!

Short of asking my colleague to take medicine – which works to varying degrees and has horrible side effects – what more can I do to mitigate this? He’s a fantastic colleague, and I need to be able to meet with him to talk about his professional development, job performance, and interpersonal relationships with other staff: all of the things that you do when you are a manager.

Meet with him by phone! In-person meetings definitely have some advantages; you can see eye contact and body language and they generally just feel like they build the relationship more in ways that phone calls don’t necessarily do. But in this case, the downsides of meeting in-person trump those advantages. Switch to the phone. (You could also try video chat if you’re both into that, although it can have its own disadvantages.)

It may seem silly to talk by phone when you’re in the same building, but in this case it’s not; it’s a practical solution to the problem.

Also, ask him! He may have thoughts on other things you can try, and if you haven’t asked him directly if there’s anything he thinks might help, he might not be speaking up. (He should speak up if he has ideas, but some people won’t unless they’re directly asked, particularly when there’s a manager involved.)

And let us all take a moment to feel great sorrow for the cat-allergic among us.

Read an update to this letter here.

– 2017

2. My new coworkers embarrassed me at a meeting with my previous team

I recently began a new position with a team that is just getting their feet under them in terms of industry standards, and as part of setting up our new organization, we are working with a number of established institutions in the region to learn how they’ve been successful. I have more experience in this industry than my colleagues do, so I offered to set up a meeting with a previous team who I’m still on very good terms with (I interned there during grad school, and would like to work there again given the opportunity).

Unfortunately, the meeting was a disaster. My new colleagues spent nearly a third of our time dragging previous employees, complaining about our administration, and generally airing dirty laundry that has absolutely no business in a professional meeting. I tried to steer us back on track several times, but had no success. It was clear from some of the looks I got that my previous team was at least as uncomfortable as I was.

Today, I’ve made it clear to my new team that this was wholly inappropriate, and my supervisor apologized to me for any reputational harm done to me by this, but I’m still mortified that I was responsible for their bad behavior in front of our industry peers. I’m afraid this has damaged my standing with my previous team, and I’m really looking for ways to mitigate this damage.

Would it be inappropriate to reach out and thank them for the meeting, and apologize for the inappropriate comments? Or would that just make it look like I also think it’s okay to throw people under the bus as soon as they leave the room? What is the best way to distance myself from my new team’s behavior?

Yes, contact them and apologize! You can frame it as, “I wasn’t expecting the meeting to go that way! I’d hoped we’d talk about XYZ. I’ve talked to my new team about what happened, but I wanted to apologize to you directly. I really appreciate that you were willing to lend us the time, and I’m sorry it wasn’t better used.” I don’t think you have to get into it beyond that — just enough to acknowledge that you know this was messed up and you won’t let it happen again.

Speaking of not letting it happen again — I would not set up more meetings of this type for your team. If you need those meetings, do them alone or maybe with your boss. But don’t risk the same thing happening with other contacts.

– 2019

3. Can you reference pop culture in an interview?

Is it okay to reference pop culture in a job interview as long as the reference itself is not inappropriate or obscure?

For instance, in previous interviews, I have referenced my “Monica Geller-esque sense of neatness,” how I consider Leslie Knope to be one of my role models, and how I had learned to work with a supervisor like Angela from The Office.

For what it’s worth, in each of these positions, I was applying for something relatively junior and in a pretty liberal field/office environment, not, like, the CEO of Morgan Stanley or something.

There are better ways to convey what you want to convey. It’s just too likely that your interviewer hasn’t seen the show you’re referencing and so misses your meaning entirely — and maybe doesn’t even know you’re referencing a show and has no idea who this Monica Geller is or why you’re mentioning her. (There’s also a risk of it making you seem less professionally mature — not because you’re referencing pop culture, which isn’t inherently unprofessional, but because you’re not realizing that not everyone will get that particular reference.)

– 2019

4. Company president owes $50 for a fantasy football league and hasn’t paid

My husband is the commissioner of a fantasy football league for a group of 12 top-level executives at his company. In the group there are multiple vice presidents and the president himself. My husband is not a top-level executive. He’s a mid-level employee, but is well liked and has networked himself into the league.

The league costs $50 to participate in. Last year, the president never paid him! (Keep in mind this is the president of a multi-billion dollar company, so his pay is certainly generous.) My husband has sent several emails to him requesting payment, but never received a response and hasn’t brought it up in person. He says every time he runs into the president at work, he forgets to bring it up. We’re still a few months out from next season but he’s wondering … how should he bring this up again? Should he make a joke of it at their next annual draft? Or is this something he should just write off as a laughable anomaly?

The president probably isn’t intentionally withholding the money; he probably means to get back to your husband but then forgets. But really, after the second email, he should have made a point of dealing with it.

In any case, your husband doesn’t need to write this off (yet). I wouldn’t keep emailing since clearly that’s not working, but the next time he runs into him, he can say, “Hey, can I get that 50 bucks from you for last year’s fantasy football season? I’m trying to close all that out and that’s the last remaining money due.” Or, if there’s any kind of gathering at the start of the next season, he can bring it up then — “I’ve still got to get last season’s $50 from you — can you give me that along with this season’s fee?” (And it might be useful to ask someone more senior than him to help collect this time.)

– 2019

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{ 30 comments }

{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Nodramalama*

    It’s funny how letters like LW1 change so much with time. I feel like 2020 onwards it seems so obvious that the solution is so have meetings virtually!

    It’s also interesting for LW3, because reading back now a few of these references come across as a bit rooted in a particular time. Also, that is a LOT of pop culture references.

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  2. Scottish Beanie*

    3. Can you reference pop culture in an interview?

    Why do you want to do this (unless you’re applying for a trivia game show host)? I would want to be able to communicate in a way that the company would understand, not in a way that will show off my pop culture knowledge.

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    1. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

      Yeah, I didn’t recognize any of those references, so that approach would have fallen rather flat. The LW would have just ended up having to explain what they meant anyway, so why not start there?

      If you are going to use pop culture references, or anything that your audience might or might not be familiar with, a good trick is establishing that there’s a common reference first. “Are you familiar with Monica Geller?” Then proceed accordingly. Just last week, someone asked me if I had a music background, and I said no, so they had to explain their analogy between music teaching and work processes from scratch. But that was okay, because they’d taken the trouble first to establish that I needed it, rather than diving right into confusing me.

      I will add that this approach works better with an audience of one or two; in a larger group, you’re more likely to get people not wanting to be the only one needing an explanation. You might lose more people than you realize, even after you ask.

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      1. MK*

        Bit do you really want to waste time in an interview talking about Monica Geller? Also, another issue is that these references aren’t always positive. Monica’s neatness wasn’t portrayed as a virtue in the show, at best it was an annoying quirk, at worst stifling and hysterical.

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      2. allathian*

        I’ve never seen either version of The Office, and I only know names like Leslie Knope and Michael Scott from reading AAM.

        Referencing those in a theoretical interview with me would not serve you well, simply because I don’t think there are any characters in fictional office environments that would serve as good role models. Offices in TV shows and movies are pretty much by definition unprofessional because a professional office with little or no drama would be boring to watch. Offices with enough drama to be interesting enough to put on TV are inherently toxic.

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      3. Nodramalama*

        Eh I think prompting a pop culture reference reads as quite awkward and unnecessary for what is essentially a throw away comment. I think you either say it as a passing comment and then it doesn’t really matter if the person gets the reference, or just don’t say it

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    2. Free Market*

      I disagree strongly with the advice in #3. Any time you can make your presentation more memorable, creative, and vivacious, you will win over people who make their presentation bland and generic. That’s why we remember sound bites and zingers in presidential debates.

      Sure, you run the risk that the interviewer might not be a fan of FRIENDS. (I’m not.) But you also run a risk, and probably a much bigger one, by playing it safe all the time.

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      2. TechWorker*

        I just don’t agree! A job interview is not a presidential debate and ‘memorable’ is not equivalent to ‘always gets the job’. There are also other options between ‘bland and generic’ and ‘use random pop culture references’…

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      3. Allonge*

        But do you want to be memorable for references that half the interview panel did not get?

        By all means, go for an outstanding presentation of you. Outstanding does not have to be gimmicky though.

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      4. Usurper Cranberries*

        Unless you’re interviewing at the channel that aired the shows, I think there’s far too much of a risk of being remembered as a poor communicator and lacking in cultural competency when you rely on media references. Be memorable because you make color-coded spreadsheets of your book collection for fun or whatever, not because you mentioned an organized fictional character who your interviewers may or may not know (and may or may not have a positive view of, if they know the character).

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      5. Emmy Noether*

        I just don’t think pop culture references are going to be that memorable, unless it’s in a “I didn’t understand what he was talking about half the time” way. For people who do get it, it won’t be very memorable.

        The point of pop culture references is to establish immediate rapport with someone who shares those references. If it works, then it will feel on a subconscious level like you are a friend of a friend instead of a stranger. However, the probability of it backfiring is just too great – if people don’t get the reference, it will make you more of a stranger, and even people who do get the reference may find it misplaced in a work setting.

        You can establish rapport in ways that are more likely to land (like shared experience in your field of work, or whatever actual commonalities you discover during the interview – if the interviewer has a Friends poster in the background, then go right ahead with the Monica reference).

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  3. Certaintroublemaker*

    At this point I would absolutely ask one of the VPs to get the fantasy draft money from the president, and/or ask for last year’s and this year’s money up front.

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  4. Dram*

    You haven’t worked for billionaires if you think they aren’t intentionally withholding money…had a friend that worked as a fitness instructor and billionaires always dodged payment. They didn’t become billionaires because they’re good people.

    Reply ↓
      1. Free Market*

        Exactly. Dram seems to have a chip on her shoulder towards the rich (and successful). And gyms usually charge in advance, not in arrears.

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      2. Your former password resetter*

        They generally got rich through inheritance or exploiting lots of other people, which definitely requires a type of “fudge you got mine” attitude.
        Combine that with being insulated from the consequences of their actions, and a lot of turborich people almost make it a principle that they shouldn’t have to do things like pay for things, or follow the rules.

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        1. Irish Teacher.*

          And they also often lack understanding of being on a tight budget, so they may not see things like being late with a payment as a big deal. It doesn’t always occur to them that the other person may be waiting on that payment to pay a bill as they are used to having savings or a trust fund you can “dip into” if you don’t get paid on time.

          It’s not even necessarily about being bad people, just that we all tend to see our lives as normal and if you have grown up in a world where breaches of the rules have no negative consequences, either when you are the one breaking the rules or when you are the victim of the rule breaking (another kid broke your toy as a child and mommy or daddy just bought you a new one or a teacher picked on you, so your parents moved you to a private school away from that teacher)…well, I guess if that’s all you’ve known, it’s easy to see the rules as “petty little regulations…basically just red tape that you’re just being smart if you manage to avoid.”

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          1. Emmy Noether*

            Yes, I think obliviousness is the most likely answer.

            Also consider that one of the greatest perks of being very rich is that you don’t have to stay on top of your life admin as diligently. A lot of stuff you have people that take care of it, and if something slips through the cracks… you just pay the late fee or whatever, no big deal.

            To insert a pop culture reference (hah!), it’s the “It’s One Banana, Michael. What Could It Cost, 10 Dollars?” effect. Being sufficiently out of touch that you never take care of things (buy your bananas) yourself AND you don’t know the value of money (10 dollars is immaterial).

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  5. Honoria Lucasta*

    As someone pretty allergic to cats myself, I would like to let people interested in LW1’s letter know that most of the time the allergen is not cat hair but cat saliva. There’s a protein in cat saliva that triggers the allergic reaction, which is why even hairless cats can cause an allergy attack. Vacuuming and lint rolling can help somewhat—because they remove hair which is covered in the protein from the cat grooming itself—but even the most fastidious hair-removal is not going to be a full solution.

    Sorry! My best friend has a cat and I ended up with nosebleeds when I slept on her couch, even though she gave me a brand new pillow that we locked away during the day. I wish it were easier, but I sure sympathize with LW1’s team member.

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    1. Ariaflame*

      Unfortunately the HypoCat vaccine which is given to the cats to stop them generating the proteins in saliva that people are allergic to probably won’t be fully on the market for about 4 years.

      Reply ↓
      1. Free Market*

        What is this HypoCat vaccine? Tell us more!

        There was a startup about 15 years ago that was trying to genetically engineer cats that shed much less FEL-D1. It seems to have disappeared, although others are looking into it.

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  6. learnedthehardway*

    I hope that OP#2 realized that her new colleagues’ behaviour was NOT a reflection on her. I’m sure that her former colleagues noticed how uncomfortable she was and her efforts to get back to the main topic.

    I’d have called them to express my regrets and disappointment that this happened, and that their time had been wasted, of course, but I’m sure that the former coworkers wouldn’t have held it against the OP. They might have felt that she had joined a company with a not great culture or that some of her new coworkers were unprofessional, but that’s hardly OP’s fault.

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  7. StrikeThatReverseIt*

    OP4, interestingly, I’ve had it go the other way a lot. I’ve stopped playing office sports pools because I’ve had so much trouble getting payouts since everything moved online 20+ years ago. My first experience with this was partly my fault in that I asked to have my winnings ride to cover the next year’s fees (at the time I was playing/paying for a weekly picks NFL pool at a former employer for both me and my father and PayPal was fairly new/none of the other services existed yet; one or the other of us usually won at least once per season and the winnings were generally a few $$$ more than the entry fees for two for a year). Well, I played an entire season with two sets of wins supposedly on my account when I got a bill for a few hundred dollars to cover both of us for that just completed year. When I provided proof of the communications around reinvesting the money they shrugged and said they didn’t do that and why would I think they would (ignoring both that I clearly hadn’t gotten paid and that they had carried over the money several times in the past at that point).

    At two subsequent employers I lost a lot less money, but I never got paid for winning the March Madness pool. At that point, even though it does increase my enjoyment of the various sporting events, I stopped playing in pools (my last few employers haven’t had the option).

    I may do it again in the future for small stakes if the opportunity arises because it does make me more engaged/get more enjoyment out of watching, but I will not expect to get paid if I win – I’ll treat it like an entertainment fee. If I do get paid out any winnings I’ll think of it as a bonus.

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    1. Free Market*

      LW4’s husband is a mid-level employee who has networked his way into a small social group of C-suite and VP executives.

      Ideally the CEO would pay up, of course. But if he doesn’t, that $50 is worth it weight in gold. Te husband would be a fool to withdraw from such a powerful social circle over it.

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  8. CHRISTOPHER FRANKLIN*

    Ooh, I forgot that letter… I am extremely allergic to dogs and cats and very aware when I am in the presence of someone who has them. Ironically, I worked in a parasitology lab which studied proteases (the reason people are allergic to dog and cat saliva is that the proteases in the saliva is structurally similar to the proteases that parasites use to enter the body and mature. Likewise is true of the protease that is carried into dust via dust mite droppings). At least once a year, my face would swell and my throat would start to constrict and, invariably, some MD in the lab would shout across the room: “Chris, your face is swollen!”.

    Reply ↓

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