I organize orgies — can I talk about it in my job hunt?

by Alison Green on April 8, 2024

A reader writes:

I organized adult weekends (aka, orgies) for several years. The part I enjoyed the most turned out to be the project and event coordination: sourcing locations, keeping the books on payments, communicating with vendors, tracking the budget, managing food, etc.

I’d like to do more of that professionally, but I’m not sure how to talk about it in interviews or put it on a resume. For example, I’m applying for a job that asks to see sample curriculums I’ve developed. My examples have to do with adult topics (think consent education, not like graphic how-tos) that I think would color their perception of my candidacy.

What are your suggestions?

Ooooh. Yeah, that’s tough.

The subject matter is likely to make people uncomfortable, and for a lot of people it’ll raise questions about your judgment in using the experience at all. In a perfect world, it wouldn’t — it’s legitimate experience — but in this one, it will.

You might be able to look at jobs that intersect with the adult industry or are adjacent to it, where the subject matter is less likely to cause those issues.

Another option is to sanitize the material so that it’s not as explicitly sexual, if that’s possible with the materials you have. You’d just need to keep in mind that once you submit it, it’s fair game for questions and you may get asked about the context you were using it in.

But also, if you’re looking for jobs doing project and event coordination, curriculum design probably isn’t going to come up a ton. And it sounds like you have lots of examples  of sourcing locations, managing finances, working with vendors, and managing food — all things you can discuss in G-rated terms.

So I’m wondering if you can describe the events simply as social events (for a local “social club”?) — there was food, after all! — without specifying that clothes came off and sex was had. You’d need to think carefully about how to do that so that if you are asked questions about what sort of group it was or the purpose of the events, you’re prepared with language that finesses that … but I think “social group” could plausibly cover it, as long as the group’s name doesn’t make it really, really obvious.

Read an update to this letter. 

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{ 329 comments… read them below }

  1. subaru outback driver*

    No, just no. Don’t try to shoehorn this into a resume on a job hunt. Last time I was on a committee for hiring we automatically declined to interview anyone with a spicy email address.

    1. Happy meal with extra happy*

      Are you saying that she shouldn’t even use 100% g-rated examples of her experience like Alison suggested? And, I’m not sure what the email address comment has to do with this – I highly doubt that she’s using an explicit email address for her job search.

      1. Hills to Die on*

        I think the point is that if even a spicy email address is enough to knock someone out of the running, organizing orgies ought to be more than enough to guarantee there’s never an interview.
        But I think that if you are really well prepared to speak about the job in completely g-rated terms and nobody ever knows the purpose of the events, you should be good. I just hope the name of the organizations isn’t ForkBuddies4Orgies or something.

    2. goofball*

      If LW can “sanitize the material” as Alison suggested, then why such the automatic dismissal?

      1. subaru outback driver*

        You can’t sanitize this. Sorry. And if I personally found out one was using a hobby as work experience that would be a huge trust issue going forward for me.

            1. Ellie*

              Yep, and I just gave one such programmer the opportunity at a temporary management role, based on nothing but the fact that I like and respect him, and that he described how he is always the one who organises all of his family’s events (and he’s from a culture where the events are BIG), as well as the travel itinerary for his friends vacations. He’s doing a terrific job, by the way. Organisational skills can be developed in many non-professional settings. OP just needs to find a way to refer to this that doesn’t make it obvious what it is.

        2. GrumpyPenguin*

          I wouldn’t call it work reference. but you can say that you found some tasks in your hobby that you like and that you’re good at. Now you’d like to deeepen them and use them in a professional context.

        3. Hills to Die on*

          You literally can sanitize this – Alison just told OP how. And why would it be a trust issue? It would not by lying about the relevant experience, nor is it any of your business what kind of sex people have.
          But OP, this is exactly why you need to be prepared and remove your name from anything on the internet where people can find out. Too many people are not capable of being adults about sex.

          1. GrumpyPenguin*

            Good point! All hiring managers will look you up. Make absolutely sure to remove yourself from everything related to adult stuff online, social media, homepages, everywhere. People are so weird about sex.

          2. subaru outback driver*

            All an interviewer has to do is ask, tell me about the last event you planned. How did you sanitize that? And then what hope that they don’t ask follow up questions. Interviewers are not stupid; they are going to be able to tell if the LW is telling a tale.

            Lastly, this has nothing to do with being an adult about sex, the LW is basically asking how do I lie on my resume to get a job by twisting my experience. To me this is the same to saying you are great at taxes when the only thing you have ever done is a 1040 and then trying to get a job at a large accounting firm.

            1. mcl*

              “I managed registration, catering, vendors, and the budget for a weekend wellness retreat for adults.”

              1. Nameless*

                “Wellness retreat” is a great description – covers a lot of ground, is accurate, and doesn’t invite a lot of questions since it might be perceived as impolite to dig into someone’s health.

                1. lime*

                  I might ask about what kind of wellness activities they did, such as yoga, meditation, hiking, etc. So be prepared to field that question. Maybe something about “somatic healing” or something along those lines. :)

                2. Hannah*

                  I think anybody asking about specifics for the activities is doing it more out of a general curiosity rather than a real need to know. I think a gentle “I can’t go into detail due to privacy issues” is both 100% accurate (I’m sure nobody there consented to be talked about in a job interview) and shows a nice level of discretion.

                3. Azure Jane Lunatic*

                  Was it mostly a plenary session, were there breakouts and/or tracked events, were there facilitators or was it participant-led, if there were facilitators were you involved in the selection process…

                  The local kink club that I’m involved with has two names, one for within the kink community, and another with a really bland name (think something like Folks Talking Locally vs. Fetish Time Ladies) so all bookings for public street clothes meetups are done under the group’s initials, and the street-visible sign for the main meetup venue is also just the initials.

                1. Lauren*

                  Absolutely not. Don’t lie in any way. “Social club” is nice and vague, and if it ever comes out what it is, it might be embarrassing, but OP wouldn’t be caught in a lie.

                  Plus, what if one of the interviewers is a LARPer and wants to talk shop? Wonders why they’ve never seen OP at events?

            2. TheBunny*

              I coordinated large events for a social club including vendors, food, locations, etc.

              Interviewer asks what type of social club. Reply: adult networking.

              Sanitized. And truthful.

              She’s not twisting anything or lying. People fit their experience into jobs they are applying for on literally every application they send out.

              It also seems your personal preferences are coloring how you view candidates. You should watch that. It’s allowing your personal bias to come through and it’s step 1 of getting ypur company sued for discrimination.

              1. Jennifer Strange*

                Honestly, I wonder if the LW could even spin it as a speed dating/match-making event. It is…in a way…

              2. Gemstones*

                You think a company’s getting sued for discrimination because an employee/hiring manager is weirded out by a job applicant mentioning their experience organizing orgies? Really truly?

                1. TheBunny*

                  No. But the way the commenter is ruling people out…emails they don’t like, job experience they think sounds odd for no reason, claiming that she’s twisting experience… what other “red” flags is this person using in hiring?

              3. Ellie*

                What about a single’s meet and greet? An up-market dating agency, or introduction service? Or the wellness retreat is a good one, just do a bit of research first, claim confidentiality and then only talk in general terms. If OP goes through the catering, travel itinerary, etc. it will be obvious that she has the experience she claims. I wouldn’t want to hear the word ‘sex’ in an interview, but I really wouldn’t care if a candidate was sanitising their experience for my benefit. I think it shows good judgement.

            3. Kara*

              LW is basically asking how do I lie on my resume to get a job by twisting my experience.

              Dude!!! What the what?
              Lots of people transition careers by making a former “hobby” into their work. If they’ve done the actual work, it’s not a lie to say it’s something you’ve got experience in on a non-professional level.

              You are very judgy and I hope I never work for you.

              1. TheBunny*

                People are told…ALL the time…to make sure resume and cover letters are updated to the job they are applying for.

                So literally every applicant has twisted experience in some way or another. Have I changed wording on my resume to match an ad? Sure have. Heck I don’t always change it back as I end up liking the way they said it more than was on my resume so I keep one of the action verbs. Super common and normal.

                Yet somehow Subaru has serious issues with LW doing so. I find it odd and it makes me seriously question the other red flags this person finds while doing hiring related tasks.

                1. subaru outback driver*

                  There is updating a resume and there is highlighting experience over other experience. The LW isn’t doing that, she is saying that some experience is more akin to professional experience. This LW isn’t much different than the SAHM who tried to use managing a household into a profession on a resume.

                  I am not sure how not interviewing someone who has an adult content email address is a red flag…. but okay.

                2. Hannah*

                  subaru – how is organizing all the logistics for say, 50 people, different when they are having sex vs say, talking over the new tax regulations? It’s still sleeping rooms, meeting rooms, food and handling of the finances. And even in in a volunteer role, if somebody is doing that, it is skill that is legitimately translatable to a professional setting in a way that cooking dinner for your family is not (because it’s 50 strangers who will let you know if you mess up).

              2. Elizabeth West*

                Exactly — or their side hustle. I set up my own small press to publish my work. Basically, I made things and sold them.

                Guess what was top on my resume? Mostly I did that because people kept asking me what I had been doing. That’s what I had been doing. It wasn’t a hobby for me — it was freelance work.

                1. subaru outback driver*

                  But did you claim more than what you were doing? Did you say you had experience you really didn’t. You wrote books, you have books. You didn’t really stretch the truth even.

                2. amoeba*

                  Subaru, I’m honestly not sure where you get the idea that that’s what the LW is planning to do? They very clearly want to be absolutely up front about the fact that they’re doing that outside of work as a volunteer/in their free time. Literally nobody suggested pretending it was professional experience!

                3. bonadea*

                  Did you say you had experience you really didn’t.

                  The LW is not trying to say they have experience they really don’t. They (really) have experience and want to be able to explain that. Why should they have to lie in their resume by omitting relevant experience?

              3. Lana Kane*

                It would be nice if commenters wouldn’t name-call and make blanket statements about other commenters. We are reading comments, not comprehensive overviews of individuals’ moral fiber.

            4. JSPA*

              Nobody but you is suggesting that this be spun as a paid professional gig. (If you want to set up a straw man and fight with it yourself, you could do it someplace other than this column?)

              The LW isn’t claiming that something sex-specific is equal to doing taxes.

              But doing taxes for a membership organization whose members are swingers is essentially identical to doing taxes for a membership organization whose members watch birds.

              Booking venues for speakers, ditto.

              Catering, ditto.

              Accounting, ditto.

              And I suspect that getting raffle selection of signed, personalized high end sex toys isn’t that different from doing the same with birding binoculars, bird calls, and autographed field guides.

            5. misquoted*

              This is not the same as doing your own personal taxes and then getting an accounting job.

              Many people use volunteer experience on a resume or in a job search, as long as the tasks are relevant to the job being sought. A recent example I came across would be someone learning and volunteering for a long time at a community garden space and becoming a master gardener, and then using that experience to get a job at a garden center. They have the skills and knowledge and are good at those tasks. Totally valid, as long as the jobseeker is clear that about where they learned the skills.

              The only difference with this LW is that the volunteer experience happens to be related to something controversial and possibly eyebrow-raising, so the jobseeker needs to be vaguer about the specific events they planned. It’s not lying or twisting. It’s just as AAM said: sanitizing.

              1. Consistently Inconsistent*

                Years ago I heard stories of people getting jobs as managers using their experience as corporation leaders in EVE online.

                Sure, some people think it was just ‘playing a game’, but when you break down what it involved, it was coordinating hundreds of people, over a period of time, to achieve common organisational goals.

                Sounds like management to me.

                1. Kit*

                  EVE is a glorified spreadsheet sim, it’s better training for a lot of management than actual management training sometimes is.

                2. whimbrel*

                  I was absolutely tickled to discover recently that a) there is an annual Microsoft Excel e-sport type competition and b) EVE Online is a major sponsor :D

                3. I Have RBF*

                  I have led multiple guilds in a similar spreadsheet game (AE) for at least 13 years. It’s management, of essentially volunteers. I’ve also had multiple leadership roles in running SF&F conventions.

                  But no one takes it seriously as management, probably because they’ve never done it, and think it’s “just” a hobby, like Subaru does.

                4. House On The Rock*

                  My time being an officer in a World of Warcraft guild made me lean on my current management experience so much…and also helped hone my management, negotiation, and communication skills.

              2. Perfectly normal-size space bird*

                Yeah, volunteer experience can be highly relevant and often a good resume booster, as decades of advice to high school and college students will attest. I got a clerical job at a small law firm in part because of records management experience I got while volunteering in a women’s shelter.

                It’s not like I was volunteering as a dishwasher and tried to pass it off as a paid file clerk. The shelter office admin asked if I could help them organize their files from a chaotic mess to something less terrifying. That went on my resume under volunteer experience and the lawyer who interviewed me said that’s what really put me above the other candidates. Their files were also a chaotic mess and they needed someone who could fix it without running screaming.

            6. learnedthehardway*

              Well, in this case, the OP could simply substitute a more innocuous kind of activity. My spouse is very active in organizing sports events – my guess is that the functional aspects of organizing a tournament or sports event are somewhat analogous. There’s site selection, vendor coordination and negotiations, food and supplies, communications, staffing, etc. etc. etc.

          3. Gemstones*

            She told the LW to say they organized social events for a local social group. By definition, all events/groups are social in nature…if someone tried to describe an event or group to me that way, I’d wonder why they were being so bizarrely vague.

            1. TheBunny*

              Meh. It’s a hobby. People are vague about their personal things in interviews all the time… usually because it’s conventional wisdom you should be. I would be surprised if someone was super explain-y about a hobby and didn’t segue quickly into a conversation about skills.

            2. Banana Pyjamas*

              No. By definition some groups are political, some groups are professional. Not all groups are social.

            3. I Have RBF*

              IMO, it would be the same if she was organizing a religious retreat. You wouldn’t want to mention that as anything more than a social group either.

        4. Ex-Teacher*

          Why can’t hobbies (including hobby businesses) generate valid work experience?

          If you call that a “trust issue” then I would have a hard time figuring out where your judgment lies. It is absolutely experience that crosses over to the professional world.

          1. TheBunny*

            My mother has a “hobby” photography business.

            She produces and sells her art. Shows in galleries and trade shows. Takes payments via credit card on Square. Has a bank account for her hobby and pays taxes on it… but she’s retired and it’s certainly not supporting her and my father.

            This absolutely translates into real world experience she could put on a resume.

            1. Carp is a fish I think*

              I don’t think it’s the hobby aspect that’s a potential issue, it’s the orgy part

              1. amoeba*

                … unlike what the LW is doing because of what? And now we’re back to judging based on the content you don’t like instead of the actual work she’s doing…

                1. TheBunny*

                  This. All day this. My mother’s photography is a “legit” business. The LW who is doing the same work, but for a sex club, is somehow lying, bending the truth and manipulating.

                  The more Subaru posts, the clearer it’s becoming the issue isn’t putting volunteer work on a resume, it’s put sex work on a resume…even if it’s only the potential of it being discovered to not be a photography business.

              2. Consistently Inconsistent*

                I know, right?

                What’s she’s doing doesn’t even sound that hard; coordinating vendors and people across multiple locations and times, taking bookings, organising events. What possible business would involve all this “managing” of “events”?

                I’ve certainly never heard of an entire industry based around these concepts…

          2. BubbleTea*

            I’ve explicitly stated that I’m interested in hearing about voluntary and informal experience that’s relevant to the role I’m recruiting for – it’s a specific section on the application form. Having been paid for something isn’t the gold standard for being able to demonstrate experience!

            1. Freya*

              Absolutely – when I was running weekly dance classes, I explicitly stated to my volunteers that I would act as reference for them, because I could attest to their ability to (if nothing else) turn up reliably, on time, follow instructions, and get help when something happened that was above their pay grade. Usually, I could truthfully attest to a lot more that they did, like seeing something that they could help with, get an idea of how to help, and check in with the boss to get feedback and authorisation before charging ahead. Or doing the customer service side of things when I was busy. For the younger volunteers without much in the way of work history, having an unrelated party able to talk positively about them and go into detail about stuff they did that made tedious tasks easier, that’s absolute gold.

          3. Annon for this*

            In university, I used to be a volunteer receptionist with Planned Parenthood. I learned discretion, filing, how to help people going through legitimately difficult stuff, how to ask the right questions to people who were too embarrassed to actually explain what they needed and sometimes they let me do pregnancy tests!
            You’d better believe it was on my resume until I got into an industry where receptionist experience was no longer useful (left out the pee testing bit for the most part). I sort of expected it to raise some eyebrows (I didn’t sanitize where I volunteered, for example), but it never did (helps that those services are less controversial where I was than they are elsewhere).

        5. TheBunny*

          Wow. You’re a delight.

          She organized large events with multiple people. That’s a marketable skill. Her sexual interests (and your judgment of the same) don’t have any bearing on this and if she can make them into event planning, good for her as they were.

          People “sanitize” their resumes all the time and a lot of people do so for every position they apply to un order to use the same keywords as the job ad.

        6. Kara*

          if I personally found out one was using a hobby as work experience that would be a huge trust issue going forward for me.

          Uh … volunteer work and hobby work are 100% valid for experience. She never said she’d be claiming that she was employed as an event coordinator but that she had done it in this context.

          I have my 3 terms as Secretary of my HOA on my resume becuase it highlights certain skills that I have that I think are often pertinent.

          You seem very judgy and not at all sensible about this.

          1. Database Developer Dude*

            Kara, I too was Secretary of my HOA. Thank you for the tip, and I’ll be sure and use that in my resume going forward.

          2. Lauren*

            Subaru is coming in and saying other people’s hobbies are valid because “that sounds like a real job”.

            Subaru also admitted they screen out applicants with “spicy” emails (really hope they’re not accidentally screening out everyone who was born in 1969…).

            Pretty sure their issue is with the sex and not the use of hobbyist skills on a resume.

        7. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I see no reason not to use hobby experience as long as you make that clear. I’m in a non-orgy-related hobby (well, I have no idea what everyone is doing in their various hotel rooms outside of formal programming – no reason to care if the adults attending our events are organizing orgies, bible study groups, and/or quilting bees outside of function space as long as they don’t get noise complaints from the hotel), and I certainly have used events I’ve planned as evidence that I know how to do things like keep contact information confidential (I have access to a contact information database for writers and musicians that would let me call multiple people I was fans of as a teen! And I only use it if I actually have a valid event-related reason to call them, which happens very rarely), create a complicated schedule with a lot of moving parts, negotiate with outside vendors, create BEOs, etc. I make it clear that this is volunteer work rather than paid, but that doesn’t make it totally irrelevant. (Particularly since if I were to plan events in my day job field, which I do occasionally, it would also involve managing a lot of volunteers so it’s quite relevant that I know the dynamics with that rather than just paid employees.)

        8. Lydia*

          I 1o0% got into marketing and outreach based on my “hobby” so this is some BS advice and a bad bias to have anyway.

          1. Perfectly normal-size space bird*

            Yeah, I became a digital archivist because it started as a hobby which turned into volunteering which then sent me back to school for certifications. One of the archiving projects I worked on as a volunteer was digitizing media (photos, films, advertisements, etc.) from a collection of late 1800s/early 1900s burlesque and erotica. It’s not lying or twisting the truth to call it a collection of turn-of-the-century visual media just because I leave off the part where I was staring at naked ladies half the day.

        9. Mergatroid*

          There’s so much advice about how to leverage your experience with hobbies into work. Just because one gets paid to do something doesn’t mean that’s the only legitimate experience they have. Organizing an event is organizing an event. Wedding Planners can be theatre Stage Managers can be Project Managers can be Stay at Home Moms can be Dungeon Masters etc etc etc.

          Clearly they aren’t a match for you and your company, but they are not an Unhireable Sex Acknowledger.

        10. anon_sighing*

          In what way can’t a hobby be used as work experience? This feels like splitting hairs. Experience is experience. Plenty of people volunteer. I think they list it as volunteer organizing, it’s fair game.

          1. Bumblebee*

            For my employer, a large state agency, though, we are specifically prevented from counting volunteer work towards years of experience in calculating salary offers. So it would be important for us that a candidate be specific in terms of payment that way. But we still might use volunteer work to advance a candidate or prioritize one over another and “value” it figuratively even if we can’t put a dollar figure on it.

          2. Spencer Hastings*

            I think it’s about whether you have some sort of accountability to someone else. So, volunteering for an organization: fine, and people often have a section on their resume for that. Planning your own wedding or travel, making mighty spreadsheets to pay your bills and do your taxes as a household, or stay-at-home parenting? Don’t generally go on the resume. Not because they’re not valid ways to spend your time, but because it’s not verifiable even in principle and there’s nobody that you were accountable to.

        11. Mashy*

          Why? I personally don’t see an issue. People develop skills from hobbies and use these in their work life all the time. I’m not sure what the problem is? Or addressing the elephant in the room, am I right to say it’s a taboo subject you personally don’t like? Then how do you and others not unfairly discriminate against someone doing this?

        12. Beth*

          It’s absolutely possible to sanitize this (sometimes). It depends on some outside factors–if the group name is “Orgies Co.” and their website is devoted to lurid descriptions of their events, then yeah, you can’t use your experience with them in a non-sex-industry interview. But plenty of groups like this are discreet! If the group’s materials describe it as a social group, their name doesn’t raise flags, and OP focuses on the non-sexy tasks they describe here, then I think it’s very possible to reference it without raising any concerns.

          Also…sometimes, the solution to this kind of situation is a white lie. OP has the experience; they just can’t cite it directly because people get weird about sex, and OP’s work is colored by that by association. That’s the kind of scenario where people make up an org, list their friend as their manager/reference, and cross their fingers that no one digs too deep. (This can obviously backfire, so if you have other experience, I wouldn’t advise it. But I’ve come to think that it’s not automatically a moral concern when it’s because of a reason like prejudice.)

        13. Exec Recruiter Lady*

          People use extracurricular and volunteer activities on their resumes all the time. As long as it’s relevant to the position they’re seeking, I think it’s just fine.

        14. I Have RBF*

          You are type of person that is why all of my years leading volunteers can’t translate into management experience.

          It’s bunk. Managing volunteers who you have no payday leverage with is harder than managing employees.

          Just FYI, my hobby was computers. When I became disabled, I turned my “hobby” into a successful career.

          Your premise is invalid.

        15. LikesToSwear*

          One entire page of my resume is related to my hobby. It’s all clearly listed as volunteer work – much of it not directly related to my day job, but TONS of transferable skills. Why in the world would that ever be a problem?

          In LW’s case, I would probably call them private social clubs that requested their name not be used. Companies requesting their name not be used happens all the time in the business world.

      2. SheLooksFamiliar*

        Because you can only ‘sanitize’ and stall for so long before an employer asks, ‘Tell me what kind of social event you planned. What was the purpose, who were the attendees, who did you get to speak?’ Even small company event planners want to know the nature of the event, and won’t likely be okay with a vague, ‘It was a social event for a professional membership.’ You don’t plan an event the same way for financial analysts and sales developers, after all, and budgeting and hotel scheduling are only a part of it. Someone is going to ask for examples of breakout sessions, after-hours events, guest speaker engagement, and so on.

        Think I’m overstating this? I did a consulting gig with a small association during COVID, and they needed an event planner. Every candidate I sourced for them was asked about the nature of their previous events, and details were expected.

        I hope the OP can parlay their experience into a new role.

        2. Cmdrshprd*

          “‘Tell me what kind of social event you planned. What was the purpose, who were the attendees, who did you get to speak?”

          Not all events are the same. I think the key is OP is not trying to emphasize the event itself but more the backend planning. I don’t think OP is trying to claim they planned a conference with breakout sessions, speakers, agendas, etc….

          “It a travelling social meet up group. We booked a hotel and had rooms dedicated to different interests, one was board games, one was card games, one was movies. I was in charge of making sure each room had food/snacks, drinks, I had to coordinate with all the vendors to purchase everything, coordinate with attendees to pick the best dates, book the hotel rooms, make reservations etc….

          I think the exact details of what happened in each/one room are not as important. People got together in one big room and had sex is not really different from people got together and watched a movie.

          1. SheLooksFamiliar*

            ‘Not all events are the same. I think the key is OP is not trying to emphasize the event itself but more the backend planning.’

            Yes, I got that. I even said ‘You don’t plan an event the same way for financial analysts and sales developers, after all…’

            I also said ‘budgeting and hotel scheduling are only a part of it.’ So my contention was and still is, someone is going to want details about those events at some point. Frankly, I can’t imagine *not* asking about the nature of the event and can’t think of a time when I or my hiring manager did not ask about this.

            1. amoeba*

              Eh, I’d personally find it very weird if the hiring manager wasn’t happy with some vague-ish answer like “oh, just a private networking/hobby group!” or whatever. Hell, go with “for people with similar interests looking for new social contacts”.

              If they’re like “yeah, but what’s the similar interest! Is it collecting Pokemon cards? Is it sewing medieval clothes??”, that’d honestly be pretty inappropriate… (it’s not like sex would be the only hobby one could possibly find unprofessional to describe in detail in an interview situation!)

            2. rebelwithmouseyhair*

              I do volunteer work and I don’t talk about what it is specifically because people can be weird about it. I’ve never had people pressing me to know exactly what I do, they’re only interested in the fact that I have to coordinate meetings, write up reports, keep up to date on the latest research or whatever. I keep it vague, and it’s not really any of their business.

        3. Zee*

          I work in event planning and no one has ever asked me that level of detail at an interview. They’ve asked about what types of events (auction, gala, luncheon, golf tournament, etc.), number of attendees, and budget/funds raised (if applicable). Nobody cared who the speakers were or the specifics of the activities people were engaging in.

        4. Kindred Spirit*

          Yes – that’s been my experience as a freelancer with some event management gigs in the mix.

      3. I also partske in the Subaru lifestyle*

        The OP organises large conference-style events with a variable number of people, including booking hotel rooms, organising supplies, and ordering appropriate catering.

        “What is the conference for?”

        A personal hobby. I particularly enjoy the puzzle of having to source catering, making sure to have allergy-friendly options for people while balancing the relatively unknown amount of numbers, and I do that by…” etc.

        Anyways, they aren’t talking about claiming this as “work experience,” they’re talking about claiming this as “skills they have,” which, it is a skill.

        I think you are putting way too much weight on the fact that an adult does unusual sex in their off-time. It’s not that deep.

    3. Which Susan are you?*

      I’d love some examples of “spicy” email addresses on resumes. Doesn’t the entire job-seeking universe use gmail addys now?

      1. Anon for this one*

        No joke, I received a resume with an email similar to sexxygrrl6969 for a professional position. I also had a luvgoddess and and another that involved escort service but was so unique I’m not comfortable posting more detail than that.

      2. bamcheeks*

        This was about fifteen years ago, but I did once explain to someone that they should use their “firstname.secondname@provider.com” email address for applying to accountancy roles rather than their “dj_bad_boy@provider.com” email address. And that they shouldn’t use the (flashing GIfs, magenta and cyan text) DJ Bad Boy footer either.

          1. Jessen*

            I unfortunately had to stop using my birth year in mine – I had the last 2 digits in there and unfortunately they’ve been hijacked by Certain Groups that I do not wish to be associated with.

      3. Pyanfar*

        I had an employee once whose email address was FirstNameButt@ (her license plate was the same). When I finally thought to ask her about it, turns out it was the childhood nickname given to her by her beloved older brother, who died in a tragic accident in front of her when she was 16 and he was 21. Her way of keeping his memory alive. So, being judgmental about things that might seem a bit “adult” or “off” could keep you from 1) a fantastic employee (and she was!) and 2) learning more about someone’s real life!

        2. Cmdrshprd*

          Eh, I can certainly understand why they use it, but I think in this day and age it is not that hard to have a separate professional email for work/interviews.

          You can use firstnamebutt@ for personal email, but work/hiring you can easily create a firstnamelastname0000@ email.

          I could understand it more when emails were harder to get, but now you can have many and it is easy to keep track/check.

          I would say firstnamebutt@ is on the tame side for unprofessional emails, I wouldn’t disqualify a candidate for it, but the judgment to not create a new one for job interviewing would be something I would question and dig deeper into.

        3. Cordelia*

          Butt is a not uncommon surname in the UK, so it took me a moment to understand this…

          1. UKDancer*

            Yeah I’ve had at least 2 employees with the surname Butt. I think it’s fairly common in India and Pakistan.

            2. Excel-sior*

              i saw ‘FirstnameButt’ and my brain immediately went to Nicky and Salman rather than anything rude.

          2. Perfectly normal-size space bird*

            Me too, plus depending on the email provider, the username can be truncated. One of the universities I attended truncated the length and surnames were cut off partway through. It led to awkward email addresses for some of the Butterfields, Cockrells, etc.

            1. Zephy*

              I think I remember seeing a Buzzfeed piece about a college student with a name that ended up spelling a very rude phrase in her school-provided email address once it was formatted according to their system, first 4 letters of the last name and first 2 letters of the first name or something like that. Poor Melina Lickfield, or whatever her name was.

        4. raktajino*

          I went to a college slightly infamous for pot usage. Like most places, the email format involved initials and parts of names rather than first.last. As a result, my RA’s email address was stoned at pot-college dot edu.

          ….He got a lot of spam, and made a new email address specifically for summer job searches.

      4. KaciHall*

        someone asked last week to volunteer or work at a church with the email jailhousebubbles.

        my fairies was a background check for a job application with the email sofa_king_lazee. we had additional questions and they never talked so the report was canceled. very apt email, lol.

      5. creeped out*

        not a spicy email address, but: i was hiring for a creative position at an organisation that primarily made content for children. one person submited a portfolio that was about 85% hand-drawn explicit images of women. that was an immediate never-hire from me

    4. JP*

      Unfortunately, I agree. The distance between how things should be and how things are is too great on this. Even if you keep it vague and general on your resume, it’s going to be tricky to stay that way if you get to an interview and they start asking details.

      1. GrumpyPenguin*

        Keep it plain and boring like online friend group or class reuion. Or choose something not so well known like a board games club or debate club on various topics, but prepare some answers in case the interviewer wants to know what topics.

      2. TheBunny*

        But at least LW is in the room. It’s kind of like people with criminal histories and why ban the box works. You get to know the candidate first and then find things that may be flags.

        Personally as long as LW wasn’t planning to try to organize the staff of my company into orgies on work time I wouldn’t care what specific niche she’s got experience in.

    5. Margaret Cavendish*

      But OP wants to apply for jobs in event management. How would you suggest they do that, without referring to their previous experience?

      1. Lucia Pacciola*

        1. Find one or more volunteer opportunities to help with an event.

        2. Apply for entry-level event management jobs based on that volunteer work.

        3. Knock the entry-level job out of the park because of your actual experience.

        4. Get promoted, build a respectable CV, laugh about the early days of your career over drinks with your fellow senior event managers, ten years down the road.

          1. Lucia Pacciola*

            If you say so. I didn’t see anything like that in the letter. To me it looked like they were hoping to skip the volunteer entry level and paid entry level experience stages, and skip straight to the mid-career event management stage on the strength of their experience managing orgies.

              1. subaru outback driver*

                Read the sentence about having content to show for the interview. That sounds exactly like something an interviewer would ask and applicant assuming one had professional experience and years of experience doing event management. The LW doesn’t have that, hence why they wrote to you to fix this bind they are in. I pretty much read the letter just like Lucia Pacciola did because of that sentence.

                1. Stuck in a meeting*

                  Even if I’m hiring for a fully entry level position I still ask for examples if they have any. And just about anyone would be able to come up with something for event planning- even if it was just organizing a road trip with a couple friends. LW wants help in sanitizing their examples.
                  And figuring out how to balance hobby experience and make it look employable is applicable to all sorts of fields. I don’t think LW wants to skip entry level but would like to make sure they’ve got their best foot forward to make themselves look awesome.

                2. Excel-sior*

                  if you were interviewing somebody for a role volunteering to help with event organising, would you not ask what experience they had? Maybe I’m wrong, but even in volunteering, you still need to prove basic competency, you can’t just turn up and say “i am going to do this”.

    6. Bird names*

      Huh, interesting take.
      I believe I saw you arguing that flirting with women at networking events is not a big deal.

        1. Winstonian*

          TBF, no here knows if the flirting was nonconsensual or not, a lot of assumptions wee being made with that letter.

          1. Lydia*

            The point was flirting isn’t really a work/networking activity in most contexts and subaru outback guy was making an argument for just flirting because why shouldn’t he be able to do that? And the reason is most people don’t want to go to a work event and have to worry about random person X flirting with them when they’re just trying to do their jobs. It’s the same BS as the dudes hitting on a freaking AI chatbot. It all starts from the same kind of entitlement.

      3. Lydia*

        It’s almost as if this person’s idea of what’s okay and what isn’t is wrong and maybe they shouldn’t be here speaking with such authority.

      4. JSPA*

        Oh dang, yeah, and fedora dude attitude checks out: “How dare people be having fun with each other, voluntarily, when I am not supposed to “even” flirt at work events (where other people are there to work).”

    8. JSPA*

      It’s awfully easy to pick up a non spicy email address for job hunting purposes.

      Using a spicy email address implies that you think it’s fine to have spicy stuff at work or alternatively that you want to screen out any employer who doesn’t agree with that.

      (Though if you’re screening out addresses that include a 69 and nothing else notable– and thus includes cases where it’s class year or birth year–you’re defacto doing some age discrimination, too.)

      But your job experience is not something you can switch out in a few seconds. If with effort they are able to make the group anonymous, and the details unremarkable, that ought to be fine.

      “A recurrent social event at a range of venues for people who value their privacy” might work. With liberal use of [redacted].

      And if your particular business finds that too spicy? Great! That will warn the letter writer off before they find themselves trapped in a hellhole of side-eye and innuendo and being skipped over for promotion, if someone’s first cousin’s babysitter’s BF’s mom brings in a rumor.

      ” I took pains to keep anything about sexytime private” is a far more reasonable ask, unless you’re staffing a nunnery.

  2. Inigo*

    I am so curious about the logistics of organizing an orgy. It’s something one knows, theoretically, that you need but you never stop to think about it in practice.

    1. londonedit*

      I imagine it’s actually fairly mundane, and not really much different from organising any other sort of group weekend away (like a yoga or writing retreat or something like that). As the OP says, things like transport/accommodation/food all need to be sorted and kept within budget – to a certain extent it doesn’t really matter what the event is.

      1. Proofin' Amy*

        There is a rather well-known genre writer who, if invited to readings these days, tends not to read from his famous past works, but prefers to read essays drawn from personal life. It’s surprising how banal a description of a middle-to-elderly gay men’s sex party weekend held at a Manhattan hotel can be. This LW seems to have provided more services for her event; I gather the one I’m speaking of mostly involved booking some rooms and ordering pizza.

      2. the special dirty things that we used to talk about*

        My partner made themselves the hero of the (small, evening) orgy when the guy who was supposed to prepare the tacos didn’t show up. The organizer was handwringing about it, and coincidentally my partner knows their way around a kitchen and had some spare time between sessions. All the ingredients were there, and they had recently learned how to deal with a roll of frozen beef that needs to be cooked now, not several hours from now. So there were tacos after all.

    2. beans*

      An adult content creator who goes by Aella organized a massive adult birthday event for herself recently and posted a long blog about the process (with some really cool data analysis and charts)! Massively NSFW but you can find it on her Substack if you search.

      1. Watry*

        I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one thinking about that! I haven’t read the whole blog post, because I didn’t know it existed, but I was really curious about the checks mentioned in the chart.

        Actually, checks, if OP is running any, might actually be a viable workplace skill, depending on what’s involved.

      2. Kimmy Schmidt*

        As a data, research, and logistics nerd, this is certifiably one of the most fascinating things I’ve ever read in my life.

    3. GrumpyPenguin*

      Not really different than any other event, the tasks are basically the same and transferable to other jobs. Some tasks are a bit different (discret location, strict security checks) and most of all the aspect of establishing clear rules (safe, sane, consensual) and enforcing them is important.
      But you have to be careful how to put it in your resumee, if you decide to do it. Maybe a small point “organizing events and meetings” and focus on the basics. If someone asks what kind of meeting, give a boring answer (like regular meeting among friends or a club) and redirect back to your skills.

    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      Every event has different quirks and things that are specific to that event. However, having organised many different events on many different topics, I can verify that the planning and coordination tasks are very similar from event to event. It’s mainly the scale that is different, depending on the size of the event.

      1. GrumpyPenguin*

        I’ve organized several events too and about 80% of the work is the same. The are some specifics depending on the nature of the event, but in the end, the size makes the real difference.

        1. GrumpyPenguin*

          I just clicked “submit” and realized the terrible punchline here, sorry for that.

            1. Database Developer Dude*

              Whatever floats your boat, but I thought if it was in the end, you’re doing it wrong.

        2. UKDancer*

          Yeah I’ve had a few jobs with an element of event planning. Most of the things you need to do are fairly similar. So sourcing a location, identifying what you need, getting quotes for venues, managing registration and bookings, planning for what can go wrong, having counter measures. Then running it through and trouble shooting on the day and managing the timings for different events.

      2. About Age Two*

        I did hear about one conference that failed quite dramatically.. It was a conference for conference organizers, and somehow the ball got dropped on who precisely was going to organize it. (It was reported to me as true, but perhaps it was merely apocryphal.)

        1. Kay*

          I thought you were going to reference Dashcon… another iconic failure :)
          (An attempt at a Tumblr convention, lots of promises were made and almost none were followed through. The main organizer by the end was a single 17 year old. Made iconic by the ball pit (a wimpy little kiddie pool with some plastic balls)

    5. bamcheeks*

      Same as any large con, I would say, with even more emphasis on things like safety and harassment policies.

      And more lost property.

    6. LinuxSystemsGuy*

      I’m reading between the lines here, but let’s say I’ve been to a few adult themed parties. I don’t think think OP organizes “orgies” (as in relatively short, discrete parties that last an evening and most everyone is having sex or recovering from having sex most of the time), but rather “lifestyle” events. These kinds of events can last for days or even a week or two, and have as much in common with conventions as they do orgies. There will likely be play rooms and even orgies arranged as part of the event, but it’s a lot more than that.

      These kinda of things can have hundreds or thousands of attendees, and as I said usually last at least 24 hours and often longer. There will be vendors (toys, costumes, BDSM stuff, etc), programs of speaker, classes and discussion groups, often entertainment at night or even most of the day, catering… all the things you need for any multi-day special interest event. Given the nature of the event you also have to be more careful about event space, catering, and advertising; basically anything that’s going to (ahem) touch the clientele. You gotta make sure your caterers don’t mind that half the people in the buffet line might be topless, and the other half might be making topless look overdressed.

      It’s everything that would go into arranging any large event, plus some considerations that go beyond normal.

      1. Andthecrash*

        This is what I’m assuming as well, also based off life experiences. If so, these are excellent skills to have and it’s a shame that everyone is jumping to “orgy” and not thinking about convention logistics.
        For the letter writer: I think best bet is to get a few other conventions on your resume, and to apply for jobs with organizations that skew more liberal/sex positive.

        1. Nightsky*

          Well, to be fair, it’s easy to jump to “orgies” given that the LW used that word and didn’t say “I help run conventions related to sex/sexuality.”

          1. LinuxSystemsGuy*

            Well, but the thing is that there *is* sex at these things. Lots of it. Sometimes in public or semipublic areas. Sometimes as part of organized events or classes (think uncensored BDSM shows, classes on how to get better at specific sex acts that include hands on “lab time”, “how to organize an orgy” classes that culminate with an actual orgy). I’m not saying these *are* conventions (although with really large ones parts of it can feel like it), I’m saying they have a lot in common with conventions.

            The organizational skills and the tools you use would be almost identical to a convention, the problem is as soon as anyone asks “what kind of convention”.

            “I successfully convinced Grant Morrison (famous comic author) to come to my local ComiCon and lead a writing workshop. I organized all of his travel, room and board, scheduling, made sure his panel went well, and even got him to stay for a meet and greet!”

            “I successfully convinced Lexi Luna (famous pornstar) to come to my local swinger event and lead a blowjob workshop. I organized all of her travel, room and board, scheduling, made sure her panel went well, and even got her to stay for a meet and greet!”

            These are very closely equivalent statements, only one of which you probably want on your resume.

      2. Student*

        While that is a possible interpretation, it’s reading a lot into this letter. The letter specifies adult “weekends”, for one. For another, you are talking about conventions that sure sound like they have a $100k+ to few million $ budgets. When you’re organizing an event and working with that level of budget, you either have a professional event planner running it already, or you are the type of person with enough money of your own that your resume contents are not really a major concern.

        While it’s possible they’re organizing substantive conventions, it sounds to me a lot more like an adult-only version of a highly coordinated annual group vacation. While vacations can be a pain to organize and benefit from project management skills, especially with groups, they aren’t generally a resume-worthy accomplishment.

        One way the OP could try to figure out the difference and where their event lands would be to look at the event budget and number of participants. Something above $10k is a big, but doable, event for a single person to organize. Around ~$18k is the level of a median wedding budget, generally organized by a single lead person and some informal support (a big deal to the people involved, but not resume-worthy). If somebody is bragging about doing private, social event management on a resume, I’d expect it to have a budget of at least $50k and 40 or more attendees, with no regard for the topic of the social event.

        1. I Have RBF*

          SF&F conventions have anywhere from 100 to 2000 attendees. The budgets can be miniscule because there is often no catering, and fans are cheap.

          They are still multiday affairs with hotel, registration, programming and logistics. Because they are volunteer run, often any food is volunteer made, and the same with logistics. But members pay $75 rather than $750, so IMO it’s actually harder to deliver a well rounded event withing budget.

          So a professional event with a budget of $20,000 would be insignificant, a hobby convention with a $20,000 budget would not be.

          1. LikesToSwear*

            Yep, this exactly. In fact, the World Science Fiction Convention typically has an attendance around 5,000 and the budget is around $1 million. It is 100% run by volunteers. Many of them have been doing it for many years, and yes, there are a (very) few who are professional event planners – but they volunteer their time and experience. And the organizers are not spending (or fronting) their personal cash for major event expenses unless it is travel related.

            And negotiating contracts for a “SMERF” event (Social, Military, Educational, Religious, Fraternal) can be significantly harder – venues often don’t want the business because it is not a big money maker. Minimal, if any, catering, low or non-existent rental fees, and the attendees are on personal budgets, not expense accounts.

    7. Nobby Nobbs*

      I saw a tumblr thread recently that suggested it involves a surprising (or entirely unsurprising, depending on your perspective) amount of trying to shoo people away from the refreshments table or the host’s collection of indie tabletop rpgs and towards the sex, but that’s probably not the part the LW wants to bring up in a job interview.

      1. Freya*

        Redirecting people back to the workshops they paid to do when they get distracted by the lolly bowl or get talking next to the water table is definitely a thing I’ve had to do at dance events :-P

  3. The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2*

    Judgement.

    While most employers don’t honestly give a rat’s (whatever) about what you do in your off-time, they do care about employees’ judgement.

    If you’re gonna mention something like that on your resume/application, aren’t you likely to bring that discussion into the office?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Yes, I think it’s hard to get away from the rule that it would be wrong to discuss orgies in most mundane office contexts. Which makes it hard to cite your orgy experience.

      With orgies front and center it might be hard for a non-orgier to picture how this will relate to their llama haberdashery. Kind of like planning WoW raids–if the crossover is not evident to people who don’t play WoW, they are unlikely to want to educate themselves in WoW’s intricacies as they apply to llama haberdashery.

      So while I agree with the advice to sanitize it if you can, this is somewhat akin to if your social club was all about Bigfoot sightings, or a fringe political group. (Both of which might include orgies, I’m not ruling that out.) If that aspect comes out, people are probably going to be uncomfortable. And making the hiring committee uncomfortable is usually not a good idea. (This would be where the “Be memorable! Stick out!” advice is great if you want to be an anecdote, but not if you want them to offer a job.)

      1. GrumpyPenguin*

        Combining all these three clubs sounds so wrong yet so funny. Please stop crafting disturbing images in my head.

      2. Porscha*

        My mind went to WoW raids when I first read this letter. I remember seeing somewhere, someone wanting to use their guild/raid leading experience for job searching, which is totally legit. There’s all kinds of managing and drama and social stuff involved, and making sure everyone is doing their part. But I can totally see someone who’s never played MMOs having a hard time understanding how it translates.

    2. Bast*

      I mean… No? A job is a job. If LW had organized events for a church, a vineyard, or anything else, I wouldn’t automatically assume they are religious or a lush or that any of that needs to come into the workplace at all. It’s the experience that’s the relevant bit and says nothing about the character of a person except that they had bills to pay, they obtained a legal and honest job, and worked to pay their bills.

      1. Margaret Cavendish*

        Agreed. I work for a large alcohol distributor, and I would say at least half of my colleagues don’t drink alcohol. We have accountants and lawyers and HR people just like any other business. And when the accountants and lawyers and HR people leave my organization, they often go work for a large public transit organization. On the surface, these two organizations don’t have very much in common, but in reality it doesn’t matter because the work itself is the same.

        Lots of jobs have skills related to the profession rather than the industry, and I would assume event planning is one of them.

    3. Admin Lackey*

      I really don’t think it’s a given that someone involved in adult activities will talk about it all the time at work and I think it’s silly to suggest that it’s a likely thing to happen. In my free time, I embroider, garden, date, and am bisexual, but those aren’t things I talk about much (or at all!) at work.

      Given that LW is asking for help navigating this, I think they are probably someone who understands time and place.

    4. JP*

      I had a coworker a while back who was a nudist. And that’s fine, but she talked pretty openly at work about going to nudist retreats / resorts. I realize that there’s nothing necessarily sexual about those places, but it still made everyone uncomfortable to hear about it.

      But, at the same time, not everyone’s like that. I know people who go to much more…raucous gatherings in their personal time, but you would never know it as their coworker. So, I guess like everything, it can come down to the individual.

      Maybe the letter writer can start a very niche party planning business.

    5. tree frog*

      I don’t see how talking about arranging the catering for an event in an interview shows bad judgment. Assuming the LW doesn’t plan to share the details of the events during the application process, it would be unreasonable to assume that they would start bringing them up at random during the workday.

      But a lot of people are weird about sex so it is fairly possible that employers will see it as bad judgment to bring up these events at all, even obliquely. It doesn’t make sense, in my opinion, but it may happen. I think the LW would probably have an easier time applying for queer or leftist organizations that likely have fewer hangups about this kind of thing.

  4. Party Planner*

    Call yourself a party organizer and leave it at that IMO. It’s not a lie – you’re just leaving out the fun parts.

    1. Not that other person you didn't like*

      Yes, you organized events and parties for your ‘clients’ based on their specifications. Those are good skills. I don’t like the advice to search within the adult industry, because you will be pigeonholing your career and experience even more.

      How about volunteering to organize a couple of nice G-rated events (for your local library for example, or a school fundraiser — they are often desperate for help with this kind of thing)? Then that becomes your most recent experience and you can narrativize it as “planned large, complex events for a social group, discovered I really excel at the work, volunteered across a couple of organization to hone my skills more widely, and here I am applying for your position.”

      1. Florp*

        This. Try to get a couple of G rated events under your belt and just call it all party planning or event planning for private clients, private social clubs, or private networking events.

        Is there one person from those days that you can trust to stick to a G rated script? As in: “We had a gathering of about 20 people, OP secured the location, catering, and kept us on schedule.” That should be a good enough reference. Interviewers are mostly going to want to know that you were organized, on-time, and within budget. The specific activities can be avoided.

        1. Funfetti*

          Thirding!

          I work at a wedding venue and the planners are always looking for new assistants. Some post ads and others you could just DM directly about if they need help. Definitely employs all the skills listed and more on the G rated side as other commenters did. I think that plus your “social club” work will really give a great breadth of experience.

        2. Mergatroid*

          It’s a pretty privileged thing to “volunteer” to gain skills before going to work. LW has the skills. They need money.

    2. Nebula*

      Yeah, I think this is the way to go, if you want to use that experience at all. “Social club” risks further questions about what kind of club it is and what the name of it is etc. Private parties aren’t going to raise a ton of questions, and it’s also the sort of thing where you could plausibly have started doing it for friends and then realised you actually wanted to make a career out of it.

      1. TheBunny*

        “It’s confidential” or “I have an NDA in place” tends to stop those questions pretty quickly, especially as they aren’t really relevant or necessary, but curiosity.

        1. Nebula*

          If you say “I organised events for a social club”, an interviewer asks “Oh what kind of club?” and your response is “I have an NDA in place” that’s going to come across very strangely. Sure it might stop the questions, but I don’t think it would do you any favours in a job interview.

    3. Adds*

      This is what I was thinking … OP planned and organized private events for individuals/groups to their requests and specifications managing the budget, logistics for vendors, etc., for an event that hosted X many people.

      I don’t know if OP is looking to go into event planning or to parlay this experience into something more like project management but it seems like it might be doable with generalities.

  5. Volunteer Enforcer*

    Well, sex work is an extreme example of how some types of work are valued more than others. All the best to you OP and seconding Allison’s advice. Perhaps, tap your orgy network in case anyone else has more corporate jobs? They shouldn’t bat an eye at this experience even if not sanitized.

    1. Miette*

      Good advice here. If you’re able/interested in pursuing a certified meeting professional (CMP) status/certification, it would also be in your interests.

      That said, I wonder if you’re geographically convenient (or open to relocating) to places where this experience wouldn’t be quite so eyebrow-raising, like Vegas or LA, with their many options in the entertainment industry? You might have better luck there if it works for you.

      Note this is an industry that can be hard on a person–it can be very physical work, lots of travel, lots of standing/walking when onsite, lots of having to be nice to a-holes and smiling while doing it, not a lot of sleep when onsite, etc. If that sounds like what you’d be interested in, I’d look at event planning firms. In-house jobs planning conferences/events from the client side are a bit harder to come by, but both will likely require a CMP, so keep that in mind.

      There’s also client-side opportunities running their participation in industry trade shows, if that sounds interesting. These jobs typically sit within a marketing department, so some degree of experience there may also be important to have, but when I managed a team I was always willing to train up an entry-level person; if that sounds appealing you may want to look into “event coordinator” type jobs. Also hard work and lots of travel, but with a focus primarily on the exhibition end of things rather than curriculum or logistics planning.

      One more thing to consider is volunteering to do this at some nonprofit you support, which could give you some cover for additional experience you can point to.

      Wow, didn’t expect to offer career advice, so I hope you don’t mind the hijack OP :) I wish you all good luck in your search!

      1. Cmdrshprd*

        Going off this, my city has an annual adult/porn convention. I think it might be a traveling one. Not sure who runs it or how, but OP could look into hiring with the convention itself or the company that runs/plans the conventions.

  6. LawDog*

    Leave it off. It is certain to bring additional questions —and if you lie during the interview process, that’s a bad idea.

    Call me crazy, but I actually read into this letter that the poster wishes to bring up the orgies because it’s interesting and will set them apart. Yes, I could be totally making this up…but it’s a feel I get when I read the letter.

    I feel like this is one of those letters where, if the advice is ignored, down the road we’ll be hearing about “no success on the job search” in an Update. GOOD LUCK!

    1. Anonopotamus*

      I didn’t get that impression at all. What part of the letter made you think that? I’m genuinely curious.

    2. Happy meal with extra happy*

      Please, what part of the extremely short, six sentence letter gives you that “feel”? I get the “feel” that this is just your bias creating more out of the letter than is actually there.

    3. Nia*

      There is absolutely nothing in the letter that indicates that LW wants to bring up the orgies. You’re reading quite a few things into the letter that aren’t there.

      1. GrumpyPenguin*

        OP is specifically asking how to avoid having to talk about sex in resumees and interviews, there’s not much room to interprete otherwise.

    4. Higgs Bison*

      I merely got the impression of “I’ve learned I like the field but my only experience is x-rated. How do I navigate that?” Not “How can I talk about sex in an interview?”

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        That was my impression too. That they liked the field and had experience in it but…their experience is hard to talk about.

    5. Velawciraptor*

      The amount of unmerited assumptions being read into this letter is a bit crazy, but does raise a valid concern: there will be people who lose all logic when the concept of sex enters the conversation, so LW needs to be diligent about how they sanitize any information they want to present.

    7. Productivity Pigeon*

      I didn’t get that impression at all from what the LW said.
      They seemed to genuinely want what they wrote: advice on how to use their experience best.

      I think you’re misinterpreting the letter.

  7. I should really pick a name*

    If we step away from the sexual nature of the events, where’s the line for including skills developed during your hobbies on your resume?

    I think it would generally be okay to list experience from a volunteer position, but does that depend on how formal the organization you’re working with is?
    For example, I’m guessing that the LW’s performance isn’t evaluated.

    1. I.T. Phone Home*

      Yes. I was curious if the advice changes at all if this was a paid position (even very part-time) with more of an honorarium than a salary) versus a strictly volunteer position.

    2. Oof*

      I agree. This is closer to people who run their online leagues, plan weddings, manage a household – sure, skills are involved, but does it rise to a professional level?

      1. londonedit*

        I think if they’re handling all the logistics and managing payments and budgets, and they’re doing it for a group of people, that makes it slightly more legit than ‘organised my own wedding’ or ‘ran my own household’. Those are things you want/need to do for yourself, whereas if you’re organising something for a wider group (and not just a group holiday) then there are skills you can point to that would be useful in an actual events management job, because it is slightly more towards the professional end of the spectrum. Of course you still need to make it clear that it was in a volunteer capacity, but to my mind it’s more like being treasurer for a sports club, or organising retreats for a yoga class – it’s not just ‘booking a holiday for me and my friends’.

        1. Who Knows*

          But, as mentioned above, there is no real accountability. The LW could be great at managing this stuff, or they could be terrible, how could the hiring manager know?

          1. MsM*

            By asking follow-up questions about event planning specifics: how OP handled a vendor negotiation, for example, or how they’d go about organizing a plan/timeline for a hypothetical new event. OP would have to be prepared to sanitize any specific examples, but if the person doing the interviewing has any experience with event planning, it’s not that difficult to weed out the amateurs from the pros.

          2. Azure Jane Lunatic*

            Repeat events for the same group signals some kind of competence. A person with some leadership role in the same group (treasurer, board member, etc) who can be trusted to use an agreed-upon public version could confirm. Not all orgy groups have board members but if it’s an event with a budget there is likely to be someone in a treasurer role even if it’s not super formalized.

          3. Marvel*

            It’s always interesting to me whenever this gets brought up as some kind of black and white dichotomy between the professional and the personal. As if none of us have ever experienced a poorly managed workplace with little accountability (or, for that matter, a well-managed hobby organization with plenty of it). We get letters about that all the time.

            It’s true that some things don’t translate. But there are reasons why they don’t beyond just “but you weren’t being paid.”

        2. Miette*

          Yes, this, especially if the events you managed had large-ish budgets/attendee numbers that you could point out in your resume.

      2. Banana Pyjamas*

        Wedding planning is literally an entire career. This is the second comment I’ve seen that completely disregards that.

      3. Courageous cat*

        Agreed – isn’t this the same reason we tell SAHMs they can’t put their experience running a household on their resume? It feels like we’re being more accommodating here because it’s sex work, but honestly I don’t see much of a difference. The bottom line is there’s no real accountability and they don’t have to answer to anyone if they do a bad job, in either case.

        1. C Baker*

          If these events involve somebody handling money then there certainly is accountability and the organizers are very much accountable to somebody.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      In the past, considerations have included things like “Could you be fired from the position?” “Are there any unbiased metrics you can point to?”

      Specifically from past discussions, I think you should leap to hire the parent who coordinated Little League, but that organizing multiplayer online games is harder to cite. (Both in terms of the interviewer’s familiarity with it, and in terms of how you prove what things should be credited to you.)

    4. Adam*

      I think there are a few factors to consider:

      – How many people was it for? A party for 10 people is a different beast than a party for 150.
      – How consistent is the event? Did the location, activities, participants, etc. change each iteration or stay the same?
      – How involved were the logistics? Did you just need to book a venue or did you also need to organize transportation, catering, hire entertainment, etc?
      – How often did you do it? Doing something once (e.g. organizing a 50th anniversary party) is very different than doing it, e.g. monthly for multiple years.
      – How much money was involved? If you can show you were managing 5-figure-plus events, that’s more likely to be relevant to a working context.

      The further those factors are towards the complicated end of the spectrum, the stronger the experience will look on a resume.

      1. Carp is a fish I think*

        I just don’t get how the OP is going to have all these in depth conversations about event organizing without the specifics of what they did every coming up.

        If I’m the interviewer or reference checker, I’m going to want a little more detail than “social club” or whatever, especially if this is the main qualification they’re presenting for this job. It might seem odd when every other resume entry is a specific, named company

        1. Adam*

          Yeah, in this case it does seem tricky, I was just answering the general question of when do hobby projects become something you can include on your resume.

        2. Azure Jane Lunatic*

          OP can talk about the specifics of much of the logistics without the specifics of what the attendees were doing, in most cases.

          * Organized venue for X number of participants for a weekend event, requiring N rooms for accomodation and M rooms for meetings and activities. Getting into the specifics of the kind of meetings and activities would possibly not be helpful, but you can still talk about capacity for plenary groups and smaller groups and looking at different sites.
          * Organized catering. This mostly involves the number of people and their dietary requirements, and the fact that everyone will have been doing physical activities means that people will be hungry and thirsty, so water stations and available snacks are a must. How you calculated how much of what dietary requirement was needed or whether you left that to a food vendor, how much coffee you needed and whether that ran out or not, whether you did a big banquet style dinner or a buffet or let people fend for themselves…
          * Arranged for supplies for the meetings. Getting into specifics here would likely run afoul of what the attendees were doing, but OP can talk about the budget, comparing items and vendors and getting a reasonable price for the amount of supplies needed.
          * Schedule. The specifics of what people are doing is going to be protected information, but the event flow should be fine to share. Breakfast available at these times, a session lasting from this time to that time and whether it was a come-and-go session or a thing you’d want a full commitment to, any mid-morning breaks, vendor availability, how you balanced various breakout event topics (though not the topics themselves), whether the afternoon sessions were well-attended or not, whether you had specific evening programs or whether people found activities themselves…

      2. Turquoisecow*

        Yeah if they did it for multiple events then I think it speaks to their skills and abilities – the attendees were happy with the outcome so they agreed to have OP do it again. It’s not quite “formal performance metrics,” but if it’s a lot of people then presumably there’s a discussion and a certain amount of leadership and they learn what went well or didn’t go well at each event and adjust going forward.

        If it’s just a group of ten friends that OP does on their own that’s not worth mentioning but this sounds like an event of 50+ people, so there’s probably a group that makes decisions on what and when and where rather than the entire group voting on it (as that would make I hard to come to a consensus!)

    5. Caramel & Cheddar*

      That’s actually where I was getting tripped up by this answer. I feel like a lot of the time they’d be told not to put this on their resume in the “relevant experience” section since it’s unpaid and un-evaluated. You can probably get away with listing it in a “Hobbies” or “Volunteer Experience” section but I think it’s a stretch to include it in the actual work experience section, even though the skills are no doubt valuable.

      1. Turquoisecow*

        Volunteer experience makes sense, unless OP is getting compensated, and it doesn’t sound like they are.

    7. anon for this*

      Personally, I think hobbies are great at giving you a behind-the-scenes edge, but are NOT worth the risks and complications of citing them in a professional context. They’re like fertilizer: they improve the final product, but they don’t belong on the packaging and people sometimes get weird about what goes into them.

      I think of hobbies as a level below volunteering in terms of accountability and professionalism. So while I certainly cite my volunteer work when appropriate, I try not to lean on it too hard and am careful about framing it as relevant experience. And I don’t bring up my hobbies at all.

      Almost all of my professional skills (from developing advanced spreadsheet formulas to interviewing/managing volunteers for events with thousands of registered participants) started as hobbies within fandom, which is still quite stigmatized but used to be EXTREMELY stigmatized and often (incorrectly) considered illegal. In fact, my own lay reading on fandom law has been surprisingly useful in telling workplaces “We probably can’t use that, because it doesn’t meet X conditions for fair use.” I still would never ever dream of explaining how and why I first developed those skills.

      Maybe I draw a harder line than other people, though. I think there’s been a big push in the last couple decades to monetize your hobbies, so in a way it was helpful for me that my experience was so culturally niche/fringe that I never considered disclosure a viable option. People lose custody of their kids

      1. anon for this*

        *sorry, hit “send” and went to see the eclipse without finishing the last sentence! Just wanted to note that when I first got into fandom, the horror stories included people losing child custody because of fandom activities, so it was always drummed into me that you Do Not Reveal Your Identity under any circumstances whatsoever.

  8. RCB*

    Maybe pretend you organized conventions for some obscure board game or something, like a lesser known dungeons and dragons. Pretend it’s that event but use otherwise real experience so that it is sanitized but accurate.

    1. WellRed*

      I don’t think making something totally different up is a good idea. Too much chance of something going awry.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        I was wondering if they could spin it as some kind of “singles events.”

        “I organised events for people to meet potential partners,” something like that? That’s not exactly untrue, even if the assumption is that it’s romantic partners rather than solely sexual partners.

    2. Golden*

      I was kind of wondering along the same lines. Maybe OP could just call it a hobby group. If pressed, they could keep it pretty vague like, some events have involved role playing, some focused on dating and meeting new people, etc.

  9. Oof*

    This sounds more like when folks want to put leading their RPG teams, organizing weddings, running a household – sure, there are many skills involved, but is it resume worthy? I’d look for Alison’s past posts on those questions.

    1. MsSolo (UK)*

      Yes, this stands out to me. Much like your kids can’t generally fire you, if there’s no one holding LW accountable if something goes wrong, this sits less under ‘experience’ and more as an answer to why they’re changing career, in which case interviewers are probably less likely to dig into ‘social group activity organiser’.

      1. londonedit*

        Hmm, I was picturing it as more like when we organise events for my running club – it’s not just a group of mates booking a holiday, it’s people you don’t necessarily know hugely well and it’s something where we need to offer a good experience for our club members. Something like if we’re taking part in a weekend multi-stage running event, we need to make sure we organise transport (minibuses etc, plus making sure we have volunteer drivers), overnight accommodation, food, race entry, and logistics like departure times, which bus people are on, pick-up/drop-off points, etc etc, as well as handling the financial side of things – petrol money, entry fees, making sure the accommodation is affordable, etc. No it’s not work and you can’t get fired, but it needs to all go smoothly so that everyone has a good time and is able to run their leg of the event successfully, and people would be hugely disappointed if things weren’t well organised. I think you could definitely use something like that as an example in an interview – obviously you’d make it clear it was outside work – because it does show a lot of skill in people/logistics management.

        1. MsSolo (UK)*

          Some of this depends on how many people attend the orgies and how well LW knows them personally, I think. My assumption is that it sat closer to the kind of friend who organises /all/ the group holidays, potentially including individuals they don’t know well but are attending as guests of regulars, which still involves a lot of logistics (coordinating flight times, taxis, dietary requirements, getting everyone to actually pay what they said they would, transporting orgy accessories etc) but there’s no organisation taking reputational damage if you abscond with the money and move to Tahiti.

        2. UKDancer*

          Presumably if you did a bad job and people had a bad experience they might not be able to fire you but they might not want to go again or remain club members?

          I’m assuming you’d also have some form of feedback process even if it’s a survey monkey.

          So while it’s harder to quantify success / failure you’d be able to point to how it was received.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I love that the first problem is realizing that throwing a party is expensive, so trying to chase down the people who naively RSVP’d “yes” and tell them they are now on the hook for their share of the party expenses.

        That’s an advice column classic for a reason.

    2. Phony Genius*

      Oh, there’s sitcom material there. It probably would include the portmanteau “orgynizer.”

  11. Pocket Mouse*

    “I organized/handled logistics for social retreats, with my responsibilities including X, Y, and Z.” If questions come up about the content or activities, you can say they were group activities decided on by other individuals, and that you assisted with safety guidance and other materials, but you focused on X, Y, and Z and you’re excited about pursuing those further.

  12. Which Susan are you?*

    Just say event planning for a social group. Do participants travel to get to the orgies? You could call it a travel club.

  13. Sandwich*

    Could your curriculum materials accurately be described as sex education? I also like the suggestion for party planner.

  14. Cmdrshprd*

    “I organized adult weekends (aka, orgies) for several years.”

    Question was this a job? You were hired as the even organizer by the organization/group but were not a part of the group, or was this a volunteer aspect you took on for group?

    Not saying that volunteer work can’t be used, but I think I remember seeing posts about volunteer work sometimes having a slightly lower credibility versus a job due to not having the same kind of accountability. I ask because potentially the lack of accountability combined with the subject matter of the group might change the equation on if it is worth including on a resume or not.

    But going on the side of including it:
    Was there a person(s) you reported to? Could you coordinate with them on providing a reference and/or what kind of cover story they would provide? I would imagine someone that was part of the group would understand the need for discretion and to have a bit of a cover story.
    “This was/is an adult social club that liked to travel together or meet up together, play games, and eat. Jane was a wonderful organizer, she kept track of our books/budget, coordinated with all the vendors, she ran/organized X number of successful events, and reported to I/the executive committee on matters.”

  15. Ally McBeal*

    “But also, if you’re looking for jobs doing project and event coordination, curriculum design probably isn’t going to come up a ton. ”

    That depends, I think! My first job out of college was at a nonprofit that hosted continuing-ed sessions for educators. My bosses were responsible for the curriculum and sourcing speakers, not me, but if the org hadn’t been shut down (state budget cuts in the wake of the Great Recession) I probably would’ve moved up through the ranks and taken on responsibilities in that arena in addition to the event logistics.

  16. Taryn*

    This can be done! Focus on the results, not the cause. I spent a few years running an online roleplaying game that involved a lot of writing, content moderation, and interpersonal communication/conflict mediation. Do I call it an online roleplaying game on my resume? Of course not, I don’t want to talk about that in a professional capacity anymore than an interviewer wants to hear about it; but the skills I gained from “facilitating a fiction writing workshop” are definitely on my resume.

  17. Yup*

    100% use some idiom that is not a lie but not a stretch, either. Alison’s “social events” is great. Or personal event coordinator, intimate gatherings manager, adult gatherings manager, logistics coordinator for gatherings, the list goes on.

    People will balk at the big O, but also you are performing a needed, critical task and you should not be penalized for it when job hunting. You are providing comfort, safety, discretion, and management of a party of people who are in a particularly vulnerable situation (even if their consent is given). That is no small task and a specific skill set. Play that up in terms that don’t shock but are still clear and honest.

    1. Mid*

      Intimate and adult are going to ping as clearly referencing sexual things. I’d stick with social club or even party planner, and avoid the word intimate and adult at all costs here.

  18. Jessen*

    I realize this isn’t for everyone, but would it also be possible for OP to advertise themselves as a legitimate “party planner” or something for a few freelance jobs? Not necessarily as a long term career plan, but for long enough to get a few sample events that are safer to discuss. Then talk about your experience as connected to that without specifying that the original events were sexual in nature.

  19. Ilima*

    Could you dovetail your experience into volunteering to organize a few events for a local G rated nonprofit or community group? Then you could use those credentials to cover or at least balance out the NSFW events.

  20. Carp is a fish I think*

    I suppose you could santiize it so that the orgies or anything sexual aren’t mentioned, but then what happens if they want to speak with a reference?

    1. Nameless*

      I mean, it’s not cheating to have a reference prepared, so the LW could just coordinate with someone ahead of time and make sure they’re aligned on the G-rated version.

    2. Jessen*

      I’d imagine your best bet would be to collect a few of the people you’ve organized for and can trust to be discreet and let them know what’s going on. Not asking them to lie to you, just to truthfully discuss the parts that are safe for most workplaces.

      1. Carp is a fish I think*

        Well usually though when an employer is talking with a reference they’ll want to know where they worked, title etc. I don’t see how you would do this without lying, which of course the OP may be totally fine with.

      2. ABC*

        But would a reference from someone who just attended the events really be that helpful to a hiring manager? I’ve done reference checks for candidates’ volunteer experience, and I’ve always talked to someone (usually a supervisor) who could speak with detailed knowledge about what the candidate did in the role.

        If the LW had a supervisor of some sort, even an informal one, who knew what went into the planning and organizing, that could work as long as they were prepped properly. But it seems like an attendee wouldn’t be able to say much more than “Yep, the event went great, no problems.” Not super compelling.

        1. Jessen*

          I suppose it depends on what the structure of this is. Is there even any such person that would qualify as a reference? Or is OP more in the position of essentially a volunteer “freelancer”, where the attendees might be closer to clients? I could see talking to an attendee as still being valuable enough, especially in the latter case where OP was likely doing most or all of the work on their own.

  21. Nameless*

    Here is the one potential issue I see with a G-rated answer: what if the LW talks about her “social club” in the interview, gets hired, and someone wants to join??? (Probably just the “I prefer to keep work and my private life separate, thanks for understanding!” route, but I’m amused by the idea of that happening.)

    1. I should really pick a name*

      I don’t think most people remember those details after the interview.

      1. ferrina*

        I am very much looking forward to this update!

        But really, as long as LW is vague and consistent in that they’d prefer to keep these things separate, I don’t think it’s an issue. I’m not entitled to join a bookclub that an interviewee mentioned. And that’s even assuming that someone would be interested in joining in the first place

  22. Cubicles & Chimeras*

    I’d be curious about where the line is. Can you say you organize a nudist retreat and mostly get away with it (outside of conservative places) vs the adult party stuff? What if you were one of those people who instead of selling tupperware, sold adult toys? What do you do transitioning from retail into another space and you worked at a store that sold adult toys? BDSM Convention organizer or worker? There’s this line of what is a job vs what is inside knowledge of someone’s fun time.

    It’s honestly a super fascinating thing to think about. While I think mentioning organizing a nudist retreat is, say weird, but nothing I’d raise my eyebrows at as a manager, finding out about someone’s preference for adult parties through the fact they organize them for the community would probably be too much. Not that I give a flying monkey about people enjoying adult parties, I just think there’s a line of knowing too much about your employee’s free time.

    1. Emily Byrd Starr*

      Finding out that someone I work with has been to nudist camps or sells sex toys falls under the category of Things That I’d Rather Not Know About.

      1. Cubicles & Chimeras*

        Eh, I think associating nudity with sex is a very American thing. Although I have no personal want to wander around naked – it’s a cooking hazard – I don’t think I’d bat much of an eye if I found out someone wandered around naked in their free time. No different than finding out they go to religious retreats or protest for Save the Whales on weekends.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yeah I know a few people who go to naturist resorts including my late grandparents who were pretty respectable middle class people. It was a thing they did because they enjoyed it. I mean they didn’t go on about it but it wasn’t a secret or that shocking and wouldn’t shock or bother me excessively if that’s a thing someone did in their spare time. As long as they stayed dressed in the workplace.

  23. Be Free*

    It’s a political working group around issues of freedom of expression, made up of people working locally in the field to share their experience and strategies, that meets regularly and requires location, access needs, food, &c. That’s all anyone needs to know.

  24. Parr timer*

    Yeah, I think you need to respect other people’s desire (right?) not to hear about sex at work. I wouldn’t feel comfortable hearing about a coworkers’ orgies against my consent and I think an interviewer would feel similarly.

    1. But like*

      OP is specifically trying NOT to mention that aspect of their experience and looking for strategies to honestly NOT go into details, so I’m not sure what your point is.

  25. BellyButton*

    I think if you can sanitize it like suggested and calling it a social club, that would be fine. It is relevant. The type of positions you are looking for are going to be looking for how you work with vendors, contracts, management, communications, how you handle it when things go wrong at an event or with a vendor.

  26. Petty Betty*

    So… you are a *volunteer* freelance event planner with exclusive, private clientele and plan exclusive, private events with social and educational components and would like to market your skills in a more mainstream way.

    That’s fine. I commend you for that. If needed, say that you signed a very expansive NDA and can’t discuss much detail, but do go into broad strokes and generalities (you organized learnings, group activities, found meeting sites, catered events, advertised *discretely* and how, etc.)

    1. Miette*

      Ding ding ding we have a winner! Avoid overselling it, but this kind of language would work, and it really doesn’t stretch the truth to the point of breaking. Brava, Petty Betty.

    2. The Dude*

      NDA was the obvious answer to me. I’m surprised I had to scroll so far to see it.

  28. Jennifer Strange*

    Sincere suggestion: There are a number of adult-activity conferences out there that need planners! My husband has twice been at a work conference in Chicago that happened to coincide with some sort of a BDSM conference.

  29. nnn*

    Are there other people in this organization (e.g. some kind of official or de facto manager you report to, or other team members working at your level?) If yes, could you all mutually agree on a tactful way of framing this work so you can use it on your resumes?

    I vaguely remember reading something from someone who worked as an editor for, like, Playboy magazine. It appeared on their resume as something dull and publishing related (along the lines of “Media Publishing Inc.”) and, if asked for a reference, their manager would talk about the editing work and outcomes without getting into the nature of the publication.

    Maybe something similar would work for your organization, where you all agree how you would present it and no one blurts out “What do you mean? It’s not a social club, it’s an orgy!”

  30. CeeDoo*

    A good orgy requires much planning and forethought. You don’t want to be like Mike and have people talk about how bad your orgy was for years. (So sorry, but this letter was a whole What We Do In the Shadows episode.)

  32. EA*

    The orgy is attention catching but ultimately irrelevant; this is a hobby, not work experience, and doesn’t belong on a resume.

    Very similar to the questions from people who want to add their D&D campaign organizing skills to a resume, or who want to highlight organizing vacations or home improvements for their large household. Yes, they might be useful skills, but they don’t belong on a resume that documents your professional and educational experience.

    1. MsM*

      Unless you count the pizza place and the game shop as “vendors,” I’ve never had to manage any moving pieces more complicated than keeping track of everyone’s schedule (which, to be fair, can be harder than planning a final boss fight) in organizing a D&D session. I have had to implement the skills they’re describing for actual, professional events, though. Maybe we should take OP’s word for it this is at least involved enough to rise to the level of volunteer experience?

    2. HR Friend*

      100% agree. Between using a hobby/volunteering as relevant work experience and then, on top of that, fibbing about what the hobby event entails, LW should just skip including it anywhere on her resume.

      1. New Jack Karyn*

        Who’s talking about fibbing? Being vague is not lying. Volunteer experience has a place on a resume, as long as it’s clearly labeled as such.

    3. Katie Impact*

      It’s not impossible to lever a hobby into paid work, but everyone I know who’s done it successfully has done it through personal connections made in the hobby itself. I think the advice from another post to start by talking to people they know well at the events they organize is on the right track.

  34. Sunflower*

    What is sample curriculums? Like a document of planned events throughout the day? If so, can you change the wording? The sample is still your work of how well you create documents; just not the actual one you provided for the real events.

    Be honest on the actual resume/application though. However, I agree to list this experience under hobby/interest/other. For example, “For the past three years, I have organized private events that range from small groups to 300 people with budgets ranging from $100.00 to $15000.00. This involves sourcing locations, bookkeeping, communicating with vendors, tracking the budget, managing food, etc.”

    1. New Jack Karyn*

      I think the sample curricula are for when OP would lead a workshop, in addition to all the behind the scenes stuff. I think ‘Volunteer’ is the right category to use, rather than ‘Hobby’.

  35. theletter*

    What might work is turning to your contacts you have regarding any regular private events they might have – people need food/drinks/vendors/locations for things like bachelorette parties, milestone birthdays, showers, rehearsal dinners, reunions – ask them if they’d be open to having a party planner for X% of the budget. If you get one of two of those, you can start calling it a freelance business, and you’ll have references that know your skillset but can also say “ah yes she party-planned my very normal wife’s 40th surprise birthday party and we all had a great time doing normal birthday party things. 10/10.”

  36. fdegrg*

    There’s a line between talking about *organizing* and talking about *participating*. With something like this, participation is heavily implied.

    It’s the difference between working for the NY Yankees in the administration office, vs. being the head volunteer of a social slow-pitch league. Which one of those people probably has more experience actually swinging a bat?

    I was employed in a non-performing capacity at an adult entertainment company. I had no issue putting a sanitized version of that on my resume and speaking to it in interviews. But if I was doing that same role for funsies on the weekends, I would expect different outcomes.

    1. Petty Betty*

      I’ve been involved in this situation before. Being the planner usually keeps you too busy to participate in the “fun”. You become the host and are working the event, you’re not playing. Same with a gang bang scenario. You’re coordinating logistics, you’re not participating.
      Unless you have a few people willing to assist so you all can get time off to join in the activities, you’re the de-facto host for the event and don’t have time to participate. You might be able to sit in on part of an educational class, but you won’t be able to stay the whole time because you’ll be needed to check on other things. There’s just too many moving parts (ha ha) once an event gets to a certain size.

  38. Hybrid Employee (Part Human, Part Wolf)*

    Sort of a harebrained idea, but they could potentially present it as a “social club” and, if pressed, say something like “We’re kind of like the Masons — I’m being a little vague, they generally have Fight Club rules, but it’s ultimately pretty brass tacks.” It’s misleading but the Masons are recognizable as a legitimate social organization that has some secrecy involved and I think most people don’t consider it off-putting. It depends on how well they could downplay it, though.

  39. Mermaid of the Lunacy*

    “Couples retreats. I wasn’t responsible for the actual therapy, but I was instrumental at the logistics.” That’s what I would say!

  40. Zee*

    I think it’s fine to include under “Volunteer Experience”. I disagree with those saying it’s a hobby. Watching movies on my couch is a hobby. Organizing a series of community film showings throughout the city is volunteering.

    That said, if you’re going to list it as a volunteer position, you’re going to have to list the organization name. Even if it’s not obvious what it is from the name, an interviewer might google it.

  41. StellaPDXAmanda*

    I believe you could discuss it in the way of describing “event planning for clients” You could say you have an NDA to discuss the specifics of the clients, but you could discuss all the work that you have done, versus the specifics of the adult content.

    1. Banana Pyjamas*

      Right.

      -coordinated multi-day events for groups ranging x-y in size

      -managed budgets typically between a-b amount

  42. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

    Seems like a bad idea. You can try to sanitize it, but it’s likely that enough questions will eventually be asked to where it is obvious you are being less than candid about what it really is.

  43. Cat Rescuer*

    This is a hard because if I were interviewing the OP, especially for an event coordinator position, I would ask for a link to the event website so I could see for myself the type and scope of the events. If she never sent it, I would not consider her. I would personally not mind the adult aspect but I think a lot of people would. She might be better off volunteering to help with charity events and then get into the field that way or networking with the people who attend the events and ask if they have any ties to companies who are hiring event planners and using them as a reference.

    1. I should really pick a name*

      I don’t think it’s unusual for private event info to be unavailable publicly.

    2. I Have RBF*

      The SF&F conventions I have run often don’t keep their previous year’s websites. One con doesn’t even exist any more (the BOD ran it into the ground with their shenanigans.) That request would just get a laugh from me.

      SF&F cons are pretty vanilla, but with any volunteer organization permanence is not going to be their strong suit.

      One such convention, SiliCon, died in the 90s, was resurrected in the 2000s, died again in 2010, has another organization take up the name in 2016, and died in 2023. The wikipedia entry about it only has the last iteration. The one I worked on was the middle one. I still have program books from it.

  44. Emily Bembily*

    This is interesting – I work for Planned Parenthood, and a lot of the examples of design and writing I do have to do with topics like sex education, so it’s not quite the same as this LW’s example but a similar vibe, where a portfolio of my work would strike some employers as being “adult” content. But maybe that’s one way to think about this, that there are lots of jobs that aren’t necessarily “adult content” as in the porn industry, but that also wouldn’t blink at this kind of portfolio. For a role like mine, this background could be a great asset!

    1. PlainJane*

      I also work for PP and I had a similar thought — some orgs will not be quite as scandalized as the comments on this board are implying!

  45. Mergatroid*

    This is really telling. Clearly if you have a problem with it, you have a problem with it. I think any discerning employer is going to use their Big Brain energy and realize that event planning is event planning, especially if you are going to sanitize it, just like any prospective employee would explain how their experience ties into the new gig. But because you have a problem with it doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad.

  46. Speak*

    I have friends who were involved in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, performing in front of the screen as well as organizing the cast to perform and working with the theaters showing the movie. The topic of the show often brings up sexuality and what is considered alternative lifestyles, so it isn’t appropriate to let everyone know you have some of those interests. Some of my friends have used this on their resume as “Amateur Theater” including casting director, location scout, and performer as well as the jobs they did such as treasure and promotion manager. At no time did they say specifically what show they worked on, only the relative skills they developed. I would say this should be treated the same way, G rated titles and descriptions of the work that was done.

  47. BigLawEx*

    Do you live in a big city? If you can say lifestyle event, hint at celebs or NDA, most don’t push back. I once hired an assistant who was covered by an NDA. I *think* I eventually found out which celeb she’d worked for, but I was more interested in her skills than whom she’d done the specific things for…

    1. dz*

      For months now, there’s been harebrained advice circulating on social media to cover up any firing, unemployment, or unfavorable employment info by smiling and saying you signed an NDA. It’s become common enough that some might see the mention of an NDA as an orange flag.

  48. RagingADHD*

    What are the expectations and accountability for coordinating this social group? Is there any sort of formal organization and oversight (as with a nonprofit), or is LW just the person who pitches in as “cruise director” because nobody else wants to?

    Generally the problems with trying to present personal activities as if they were professional activities is that a) there is no way to benchmark whether you actually did it well / to a professional standard, and b) you need some way to distinguish it from common personal activities, like booking any other vacation trip with friends, which a lot of people do in their day to day lives.

    1. Petty Betty*

      Honestly? If you’re asked to do it more than once, you’re successful. If LW can get someone to be a reference and actually give generic descriptions while praising your efforts, that will go a long way to legitimizing the work LW has done.

  49. ijustworkhere*

    I understand the interest in including this kind of info. It uses a lot of skills that people in the workplace are looking for.

    I.ve been in a 12 step program for decades. I do a lot of volunteer work there, some of which is quite complicated and involves running large meetings with Robert’s Rules, building consensus on difficult subjects, etc etc. And I do a lot of public speaking, sometimes in front of hundreds of people, and I lead workshops I’ve developed. And I serve as a sponsor/mentor/coach to many people in the group.

    And I don’t share any of that in my job search. It’s a huge part of my life, but one I keep separate from my professional life, primarily because I don’t want to be labeled as a (fill in your choice of 12 step program titles). The label would overshadow the skills I have.

  50. Hendry*

    One part of the question that wasn’t really answered was what LW should do about the current interview, which is asking to see samples of the curriculum she’s developed. I don’t know what that means in the context of an event, but what should LW do in this case?

    1. Petty Betty*

      “I’m sorry, but the curriculum I’ve developed is proprietary to the group it was created for and I’ve signed an NDA, so I cannot share any of that; however, I would be happy to create a generic mock-up similar to it based on something you need if you’d like?”

      Or, that would be my response.

      1. New Jack Karyn*

        Would it be possible to make a copy of one of those curricula, and substitute in safe-for-work material? Obviously, being clear about the origin. “I’ve substituted in examples for baking where the actual content was; the real group topic was different.”

  51. Oof*

    I see several suggestions about saying there is an NDA in place; but if I’m understanding correctly that she’s moving into entry-level or early level roles, I would find it hard to believe her. I’m sure there may be very specific examples that would fit that scenario, but if hoofbeats, think horses. I think lying about an NDA could do a lot more harm than good.

    1. New Jack Karyn*

      Can one say, “Due to a privacy agreement . . . ” or would that be splitting the hair too finely?

    2. TheBunny*

      I work for a company that has a total of 52 people, and if you come see us you sign an NDA.

      It’s not always about your role, sometimes it’s about who or what you come into contact with during that role.

    3. Azure Jane Lunatic*

      As an administrative assistant to a team of people developing parts of proprietary software, I signed an NDA saying that I couldn’t talk about any part of the product that was being built or share any information about it in other ways. Everyone who worked on site there had to sign it, because they would be exposed to random things coming out of the printers and scribbles on conference room whiteboards.

      As an extra on the set of a well-known Discovery Channel show, I signed a document saying that I wouldn’t talk about the episode until after it aired.

      As a person dealing with user-reported spam and mis-reported not-spam on a website, I don’t get to share private information that comes past me, like some of the details on how the spam gets caught. There is a signed paper to that effect; the fact that it’s written on themed grocery list paper and mailed to my boss in a glittery envelope doesn’t matter.

      As a subcontractor working for an organization that is so tiny that the subcontractor agreement was basically “hey, if you can do this data entry for me bc I am having the worst week ever, I will give you legitimate access to some of the past year’s finest books in a specific genre, btw you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT talk about any information you learn, you WILL recognize some names, I will END YOU if you spill anything” and it was a verbal agreement — nonetheless I would describe that as an NDA if someone was trying to get me to share information I learned while doing some really tedious data entry.

      The smart thing for LW to do in this case would be sit down with some of the other people involved and talk about what a helpful NDA for the situation would look like, and maybe find a lawyer and get one in place, one that makes sense for attendees and one that makes sense for staff. At that point it would no longer be even stretching the truth slightly.

      And maybe it’s not stretching the truth at all. All of the, ah, “lifestyle clubs” I’ve been to: they make you sign papers at the door saying that you won’t use anything you learn inside the club to violate the privacy of the other people going there.

  52. Trixie the Great and Pedantic*

    unless you’re applying to work for the duck club, I’m gonna say no

  53. Raida*

    I would pad my portfolio with examples of other subjects, focusing on health and wellbeing.
    Then the sexual consent doesn’t jump out, it’s just part of the overall theme.

    For the orgies you could say it’s social club, and keep it at very dry facts like x events organised, y attendees over z time, utilising w different locations with attendee budgets ranging from $xx to $yy. If they ask for details you can mention types of accommodation, times of year, variety of meals, variety of tools utilised in organising, when you came in under budget, when you dealt with last minute emergencies. If they ask for details on the actual content, well then that’s physical activity and adult games – improv, yoga, cooking, group workouts, and a focus on everyone having a good time over strict adherence to everyone attending every activity. You could even say you’ve planned naturalist retreats.

  54. Orgyanizer*

    As someone trying to organize a (much smaller) orgy in a couple weeks, this was very funny to read today. I sent it to everyone invited, and they got a kick outta it.

  55. LW*

    Hi, it’s me, LW! A couple of questions I’ve seen come up:

    – I organized the events for several years under an LLC. I paid taxes, etc
    – The LLC was under a normal name
    – 20-70 attendees, four day weekends, 10-30k budget, 2-6 vendors ranging from sewage services to performers
    – I have a perfectly normal email handle

    I’m thinking about splitting the difference between the NDA suggestion and make it boring by going for “community development weekends”. Vague enough that a lot applies, and I can shift the curriculum examples I have to be less sexual and more about general intrapersonal skill development

    Works work, whether it’s salacious or not. Ultimately I really enjoyed the spreadsheet part of the events more than the group; too much drama! Thanks for your advice everyone.

    2. nnn*

      Hi LW!

      If this means you’re in charge of the company and/or in control of its brand (I’m less than 100% certain the nuances of what an LLC means), I wonder if you might be able to control the narrative by making a website or a linkedin page for the LLC, so if a prospective employer googles “Normal Name LLC”, they find exactly what you’re telling them.

  56. So Very Anon*

    Hi there! A few years back, I advised a younger friend who was in a similar situation. “For some reason I’m not getting interviews from my CV, you’re in the field I want to be in (communication), do you have any advice?” I looked at their CV and a prominent item was their work as the webmaster for a local kink-and-fetish ball. I recommended that they drop the item and blend its experience into some of their other positions – it was extremely distracting, and a lightning rod for others’ value judgements. When they did this, suddenly, they started getting interviews.
    It just so happens that I, too, have been in the kink/sexual event community. I’ve negotiated all kinds of situations around this and work: running into a co-worker at a kink event, being at a job interview across from someone who I first met at a BDSM munch. But in these situations, both parties had a reason to be discreet and professional about our personal information. This is different from sending around a CV and giving the stuffiest person in the hiring team a reason to reject you. Best of luck with your search!

  57. dz*

    Sorry, but this caliber of event planning sounds like the kind of thing anyone who has planned a wedding has done. It’s just not impressive enough to risk trying to sanitize it.

  58. Fennec Fox*

    LW, my suggestion would be that you focus on the numbers aspect of the event planning you do. Because at the end of the day, this is the part that’s going to be relevant.

    Organizing a dinner out for your family of five is something anyone can do with a phone and a few minutes on Google. Organizing an event – of any kind – for 150 people, some of which who have to come from out of town, need a place to sleep, includes procuring food, maybe rental cars, conference rooms if those are involved, making sure you stick to the budget and secure the funds are there, etc, talks a lot more about your organizational skills.

    If you want to translate what you do into a possible job, that’s where I suggest you focus.

  59. Vic*

    I think this so depends on the industry and what you’re going for. I know I hired an assistant and it was cold between me and somebody else the assistant was and what stood out was that she had organized a sex positive festival that included pornstars and we decided that if she could deal with all of that backlash which there was and do the organization of the event then she was perfect and she was and we’re still in touch like 10 years later. but this was for higher education and specifically in creating programs to destigmatize everything since it was in the diversity unit. so if the letter writer wants to be underpaid they might fit in well doing project management at higher ed institutions that aren’t being censored for every little thing.

  60. Doc McCracken*

    One strategy I have not seen mentioned is to find a volunteer opportunity for a rather PG rated organization and do something similar. Then list the skills and when it comes up LW can say they organized events for Tea Pot Enthusiasts United and other social organizations for group sizes 12 to 100 attendees.

  61. Greg*

    I once interviewed a candidate who had done an internship at Playgirl magazine. I didn’t hold it against her — in fact, I ended up hiring her — but I wondered if other potential employers might. I also remember thinking I had to be very careful asking any questions about it, lest I put myself or my employer into any legal jeopardy. I think I just said, “What was that like?” and she told me about her day-to-day responsibilities. I also said I never understood who the audience was for that publication, and she explained it was for gay men, which I hadn’t realized (mostly because I had spent very little time in my life thinking about Playgirl magazine).

    Anyway, back to the OP: organizing orgies is obviously more out-there compared to a magazine internship, so you definitely have to assume that some employers will hold it against you. Maybe that’s a filter for you, but if it’s not, I agree it makes sense to sanitize it. You can also judge each situation on its own. If the interviewer is asking follow-up questions and you don’t think they’re the kind of person who would judge you for it, then go ahead and tell them

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