weekend open thread — August 10-11, 2024

by Alison Green on August 9, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend, by MJ Wassmer. A couple is trapped at an expensive resort after the sun explodes.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed. We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

    1. DannyG*

      My dachshund that was bitten by a copperhead last month was given a clean bill of health by our vet. She spent 4 days in the ICU of the regional vet hospital, but is now fully recovered and back to her energetic self.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I’m finally getting an average of 6 hours of CPAP treatment per night! It’s taken months if not a year to get here.

      1. captain5xa*

        Way to go fellow hose head! If you need help / advice for CPAP, try the folks over at CPAPtalk.com.

        1. Heffalump*

          I’ve been on a CPAP for a bit over a year. My sleep apnea is mild, so the benefit of the CPAP isn’t dramatic, but it’s there.

          Will definitely check out CPAPtalk.com. I’ve been on online forums for all sorts of other things, at least one of them medical, and somehow it never occurred to me to find a forum for CPAP users. I’m dope-slapping myself.

      3. Agnes Grey*

        Congratulations! My partner got a CPAP earlier this year and it’s taken some time to adjust but it’s now at a point where it’s truly helping and it has been transformative. Wishing you good sleep – you deserve it!

    4. theinone*

      the seattle cascades, my drum corps (imagine marching band, but over the summer, WAY more intense, and you can only do it until you’re 22) made semifinals at championships again this year, and got our highest score since 2007! we were all so happy to be out there performing for a second time, especially considering how difficult this season has been.

          1. BikeWalkBarb*

            And another, who was also a marching band participant in the wayback years in high school (flute, then flag corps). Such discipline, camaraderie and fun. We referred to ourselves as band jocks.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      My good friend has a relatively new boyfriend that I had only met once. When I joined them and some mutual friends for a restaurant dinner, he brought me a bag of fresh organic home-grown grapes that he had just picked. Best grapes I’ve ever had. I already liked him but now I’m even happier for my friend that she found such a kind guy after many years of being single.

    7. chocolate muffins*

      Visited an aquarium I had been wanting to visit for a long time and got a chance to chat with a friend I had been missing.

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        oooooh, which Aquarium? I love aquariums, my favorites are Monterey Bay and the Georgia Aquarium, I’ve been to something like 17 all over the US.

        1. chocolate muffins*

          One pretty close to where I live, so I think I’d rather not be more specific here. I too love aquariums and I think my favorite is the one in Baltimore. I had the most peaceful time there once and it also got bonus points for being right next to a Cheesecake Factory.

        2. tangerineRose*

          The Georgia Aquarium is amazing! I haven’t been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, but I’ve heard good things.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Brought our plants home from our workplace (where they’d been staying during the upheaval) and now we’re 100% settled in!

    9. Industry Behemoth*

      I finally figured out why some of the condensation from my window AC, kept missing the vase I’d put underneath. There were two drips from that corner of the unit.

      Nice to know I’m not crazy. Or at least not because of this. :-)

    10. Six Feldspar*

      The big joy for me this week was work related so I won’t mention it here, but also:
      – my reformer pilates instructor told me I’m making visible progress after a few weeks of classes
      – Two new cats spotted in houses around my neighbourhood
      – I cleared out most of my fabric/wool stash of things that I picked up with vague ideas about what I could do with them, and everything that’s left has a definite plam for it (I’ve never been the kind of person who only buys exactly the fabric/wool they need for a project, but I’m starting to understand the appeal…)

    11. Cookies For Breakfast*

      It was my birthday recently, and my wish this year was to spend it in a specific city, doing a cooking class for a dessert I love and can’t crack at home. So that’s what my partner and I did. It was fun, relaxing and very informative; the food we made tasted great; the teacher told us exactly where to buy a small important piece of equipment we couldn’t have found at home, and we went to the store that very evening, so now we have it to take home.

          1. slowingaging*

            Of course, I had to go look the recipe. Wow that is a lot of moving parts and work. I’m impressed

          2. Rose is a rose is a rose*

            ooh I love those so much! I remember my sister trying to make those at home – she never quite got it but made a lot of delicious little tarts nonetheless.

      2. BikeWalkBarb*

        What was the small important piece of equipment? I found a recipe and want to make these–anything custardy is one of my favorites. If I use a muffin tin instead of the special Portuguese tins the only thing I’m missing is an instant-read thermometer; mine’s the “wait for it” type.

        1. Cookies For Breakfast*

          It is the individual tins, in fact. I asked specifically if a muffin tin would do the trick, and the teacher said it’s going to be harder to handle, because she suggested a specific set of hand movements to spread the dough around. She didn’t mention a thermometer: only baking at the oven’s max temperature, and working in a room that is as cool as possible (this last thing will be my main issue at home).

    13. BellaStella*

      My tiny sunflower plants are blooming! My kitty and I have been playing a lot on the balcony in the cool mornings and evenings. Crumpets! Finding a raspberry rhubarb sour beer that was divine!

    14. amoeba*

      Took the night train back from holiday in Scandinavia for the first time and it was actually really nice (could even sleep quite well and time passed super fast!) So I know now that I can go to one of my favourite places in the world without flying. Yay!

        1. vombatus ursinus*

          Yay! I live in Scandinavia and have been loving exploring by train. I think the SJ night trains in Sweden are my favourites so far :)

      2. I take tea*

        Did you know that in Finland (which of course isn’t Scandinavia, but still a Nordic country worth visiting) you can take your car on the train, for example if you are going to Lapland. It’s not even especially expensive.

    15. A reader among many*

      A highly-stressed friend finally got his degree and got a good job faster than he expected. And when we all agreed to get together to see him off the day before he traveled across the country, we settled on an activity I sensed he didn’t really care about but was too polite to say. But the organizer ended up being sick that day, so instead we just hung out for four hours, and I think we all enjoyed it more. Will miss him, though.

    16. Wordnerd*

      Got very into the sport climbing events at the Olympics! It’s absolutely my favorite summer Olympics sport, now.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I’ve been enjoying the climbing events as well! (Would be tempted to visit a local climbing gym to try it myself, but at my age I am not confident of escaping injury, and I don’t bounce back the way I did when I was a kid blithely climbing trees and clambering up rock faces.)

    17. Rara Avis*

      Discovered a craft thrift store. Luckily I’m only near it once a year. Otherwise it would be dangerous!

    19. Pippa K*

      I made a plum-amaretto jam that was quite simple and turned out well. Such a pretty shade of purple, too!

      1. carcinization*

        That sounds lovely! A friend once sent me some homemade plum jam of an interesting flavor that I really liked, trying to remember what it was… star anise maybe?

    20. GoryDetails*

      A sudden return to comfortable-to-me temperatures after what’s been a very hot, muggy summer. I was able to open all my windows for a couple of days and nights in a row! (

    21. Don’t make me come over there*

      A new Portillo’s opened halfway between my home and work. As someone who grew up near Chicago but moved away 35+ years ago, a good Italian beef is tied up with lots of nostalgia and happy memories!

    22. FACS*

      Both sons are home for the weekend! youngest back from 9 weeks in Eastern Europe. just good to see their faces.

    23. Aneurin*

      Seeing Tonari no Totoro/My Neighbour Totoro (in Japanese with English subtitles) in the cinema! I’ve seen it on DVD many times, but my local arts cinema is (re-)showing it at the moment so I splashed out on a ticket. It was such a treat to see it on the big screen, the hand painted landscapes and skies are just stunningly beautiful.

    24. Blythe*

      I have a new foster child! Obviously this is a complicated “joy,” but I am focusing on that aspect of it. They are a great kid.

    25. Elizabeth West*

      It’s been a horrible week for me, but watching Dems come together for this ticket has cheered me.

    26. slmrlln*

      Book group with a couple of friends at a fancy French cafe. Delicious quiche, beautiful little cakes that you almost can’t bear to eat, and a good discussion

    27. Girasol*

      It’s sunflower season and there are vases of sunflowers all over the house. When a sunflower is smiling at me I always smile back.

    28. BikeWalkBarb*

      I’m eating a sandwich right now that makes me happy because so much of it came from my own labors or something I’m connected with, and it’s delicious. Since we had a recent sandwich thread sharing recipes I’ll give specifics. I baked the bread (sourdough with some whole wheat flour), grew the greens and tomatoes (and picked these right before making the sandwich), grew the basil I made into pesto, made the the hummus. I didn’t grow the red bell pepper; my pepper plants are slow. I also used Cougar Gold cheese, a delicious aged white cheddar made by students at my alma mater, Washington State University. It’s fantastic and you can order it online.

    29. Clara Bowe*

      Number one remains Chicago implementing a composting program that is free. I used to have to pay for a monthly service, but now I can just drop a bucket on my way to doing errands.

      Today, though, I cleaned out my fridge of the travel/adhd tax. I am going to drop the compost off tomorrow and it just makes me happy it won’t end up in a traditional landfill. Whoo!

    30. Slinky*

      The cooler weather. I know it’s still early-/mid-August and there’s a lot of summer left, but it feels like there’s an end in sight.

    31. carcinization*

      Things were a mess leading up to and on my birthday, which was about a week and a half ago. Finally life has calmed down enough that I felt like making and eating a birthday cake. The Blackberry Lavender Sheet Cake (recipe from the Half-Baked Harvest website) I made this morning seems to have turned out well, can’t wait to dig in this evening!

    32. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve been taking the dog for walks and relaxing on my front steps with him instead of stressing over the place which not be named.

      We’ve had such birds! My childhood favorite goldfinches have found my yard, and it’s like a visit from my long-gone father.

  3. WoodswomanWrites*

    Let’s share examples of musical instruments used in ways were unheard of when they were created or in the past, but wonderful today. You can type any links rather than past them in directly. That avoids sending them to moderation and therefore avoids creating extra effort for Alison. Here’s mine, a performance of three mountain dulcimers–look up Pinball Dulcimers on YouTube.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Kind of the opposite, a non-instrument being used to make music, but there’s a video called “duet for French horn and chair” that makes me laugh just thinking about it

      1. MD945*

        Oh that duet is awesome!

        This reminds me of musical jenga — it’s a subreddit, but you can also find videos on YouTube and elsewhere. The ones I’ve seen start with something you wouldn’t normally associate with music — two examples I’ve seen are a banging dryer, or a cat screaming. Musicians then add instruments, melody, harmony, and rhythm until you have a song. The search “musical jenga dryer” or “musical jenga cat” get you a couple of good examples

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          This reminds of one I saw years ago that I’d forgotten. It’s a violinist playing a duet with a noisy water pipe. Look up “Triple concerto for faucet, water pipes and fiddle.” I just watched it again and it still cracks me up.

      3. Squirrel!*

        Elementary school music teacher here – Another non-instrument instrument example I’ve always loved sharing with my students is the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra. We classify them into the Hornbostel-Sachs instrument classification categories and everything!

      6. Vio*

        I love The Typewriter by composer Leroy Anderson. It uses an actual typewriter as a musical instrument along with the orchestra.

      7. Rage*

        That one should be one of the P.D.Q. Bach pieces, though it’s not. He has one called “Concerto for Horn and Hardhat” and, of course, the “Echo Sonata for Two Unfriendly Groups of Instruments.”

        RIP Peter Shickele.

        2. WoodswomanWrites*

          The piece you’re referring to is Horn & Hardart, named for a New York City automat. Peter Schickele and PDQ Bach are still fantastic to listen to.

      8. BikeWalkBarb*

        Great additional category! Look up Nutcracker Suite played on bicycle parts, produced years ago by the bike manufacturer Specialized.

      2. Six Feldspar*

        Whenever there’s a strong wind blowing I get their version of Wuthering Heights stuck in my head…

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      Another one I like is Rhiannon Giddens rocking out on the old-time banjo with her original song “Louisiana Man.” Look up the live version of it rather than the studio one.

      True confession–if it worked for my lifestyle and budget, I’d follow Rhiannon Giddens around to all her gigs, like people used to follow the Grateful Dead.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        I found the performance. It’s Rhiannon Giddens Louisiana Man on Austin City Limits

      3. RMNPgirl*

        Fun fact – one of my best friends is friends with Rhiannon. I believe they met in college.

      1. A reader among many*

        That is cute!

        Vacuums also feature in Malcolm Arnold’s “A Grand Grand Overture.” The story I heard is that he was shopping at Harrod’s when he noticed that a vacuum cleaner someone was testing did what vacuums do, and had a rising pitch that settled on a definite note. He realised, “I could use this,” and then he had the poor shopkeeper’s assistant bring him vacuum after vacuum till he found one that would play in B-flat.

      1. I take tea*

        The Kifness plus cats is a delight. And so catchy, we tend to sing “sometimes I’m alone, sometimes I’m not” at random intervals.

    6. Hotdog not dog*

      My mom has a beautifully crafted mountain dulcimer but never plays it. She’s letting my son borrow it, and he’s been having a great time composing original music on it. (He plays in a rock band and is trying to figure out how to incorporate the dulcimer.)

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        That’s awesome. Pinball Dulcimers is a rocking version of the Who’s song Pinball Wizard that might give him some inspiration.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      It’s not my type of thing, but Einstürzende Neubauten in Germany is a band that’s made music with scrap metal and tools for decades now. Their lead singer is the lead guitarist of The Bad Seeds.

    9. Anna Crusis*

      Two tunes pop into my head that have “prepared” guitars: O Riso e a Faca by Tom Ze (I think he has a strip of paper woven through the strings near the bridge), and Gongan by William Kanengiser /LAGQ, where they use binder clips and those little plastic bread ties, among other things, to make their guitars sound like a gamelan.

      I had an MRI once and kept calm by imagining music to go along with the noises. A few weeks later read an article about a violinist composing an electro-acoustic piece for string quartet (?) with MRI noises. I wish I could remember her name to look for a recording.

    10. LBD*

      I once saw a student video from an art college that featured pigeons and an electric guitar. The guitar was laid out flat in a public plaza, and bird seed was scattered up and down the strings. It was surprisingly musical. As far as I know it hasn’t ever been posted online though.

    11. Jordan*

      Look up forest xylophone. Japanese telecom company sponsored a mile long gravity driven wood blocks- set up to play Bach by dropping a ball onto the “track”

    12. Jordan*

      Not sure if it fits the question, but I’m positive luthiers and piano makers of old Never considered flying them by helicopter to play atop a cliff (and leaving over the weekend )
      The Piano Guys song “Peponi” on You Tube or their website.

    13. RC*

      I don’t know if it’s at all what you meant, but this unearthed a memory (youtube “Animusic pipe dream” which is an animation that was VERY COOL when I first saw it in high school a couple decades ago. Yay that it’s on youtube (which did not even exist at that time!)

  5. Fashion help?*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread. Please post it in next Friday’s open thread instead!

    1. Elle*

      If you are looking for ways to use up zucchini, give King Arthur’s zucchini brownies a try. Very easy to make and extremely chocolaty.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I missed the original post here, but my mind is now buzzing trying to figure out how work, fashion help, and zucchini could possibly be connected.

          2. not my usual self*

            Oh gosh, hearing that kind of thing always makes me so sad/baffled. The tales of people leaving bags and bags of zucchini on random doorsteps because they have too much, as well. I love zucchini and have probably hundreds of tried and true recipes for it, and have rarely if ever received it for free. My husband and I were just talking about how versatile it is and how we never get tired of it (while eating a zucchini dish for lunch and talking about the one I’m making for dinner tomorrow). My fave dessert recipe for zucchini uses a large amount of it and is easily google-able, it’s called “Sophie’s Zucchini Bread.”

        2. The golden typewriter*

          I got it! The person wanted to make a zucchini costume (out of actual zucchini) for work, but was worried about food waste.
          I do agree with Elle, however, the only way to put zucchini in a dessert is to drown it in chocolate.

          1. Sloanicota*

            Oh see I like zucchini bread when it’s not chocolatey. I like leaning into the molasses / honey and cinnamon flavor. That said, I was disappointed how few zucchinis most of those recipes used up if you’re truly in a zuccdeluge.

            1. A reader among many*

              My grandmother once sliced a zucchini into somewhat thick, wedgelike shapes and baked them in a pie, using the same spices that went into her apple pies (butter, cinnamon, cloves, possibly nutmeg.) We knew it wasn’t apple, but it did taste good! We weren’t able to figure out what it was, though. One person guessed “pear.”

              1. A reader among many*

                *probably many zucchinis, come to think of it. Not just one. They’d probably cook down quite a bit.

  6. RLC*

    The cat expressions look like “get that camera out of my face, human” and “aww, no big deal, just chill”

  7. WellRed*

    I’m headed to vacation Sunday and I’m really stressed about the four hour total highway drive. Haven’t been on a highway at all in two years and first time with the new car. And it’s through Mass and Boston, some very aggressive drivers. Any tips on how to power through without being a nervous wreck?

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      What I’ve found has been very helpful when I’m not at my best and I have to drive–nervous about crazy traffic, tired, distracted by something on my mind, etc.–is cruise control. It’s not just for highway speeds. In my car, it goes all the way down to 20 mph for city streets and my car will automatically break if someone cuts in front of me suddenly, etc. I’m still paying attention to the road of course and ready to hit the brake myself if need be, but having cruise control as a back-up gives me huge peace of mind.

    2. Le le lemon*

      I’d be taking a break or two along the way. It becomes more manageable. I assume you’d stop after 2 hours – have a coffee, go for a little walk, then do some deep breathing/meditation/quiet time for 5 minutes or so before you get back in the car.

      Also – where possible, minimise your need to interact with your music player/ipod. Just make a playlist of things you do enjoy. Or, an audio book or musical.

    3. Squidhead*

      I like to look at maps ahead of time to give me and idea of how the roads fit together. (I assume you’re using Google maps or a GPS live as you’re driving but it’s not the same.) I look in advance to see things like “looks like this is going to be a left-hand exit ramp” or “looks like there’s a big split here and I-4xx splits off from I-xx” or “for 7 miles in NH, Highway 25W and 67S are the same road.” I don’t mind having a live GPS but I drive by following the actual road signs. So it also helps me to know in advance the general plan with road numbers/major landmarks (take I-95 all the way across the border, then look for I-495 but only stay on it a few miles until the exit for Route 6 which has a good chance of being a left-hand ramp so try to stay in the center lane.)

      I live in a neighboring state and my memory of driving near Boston is that the “mass-hole” nickname is well-earned. But you’ll be traveling on a Sunday which should keep things little lighter. If you’re able to leave really early (like, before sunrise), that’s probably your best chance for light traffic.

      Also, plot out where you think you will stop for a break. I like driving and would typically drive 5 to 6 hours in one shot with no break (and then the car would need gas anyway) but there’s nothing worse than needing a break and not knowing where to go, so pick your spots ahead of time. Major grocery stores are good if they’re near your route and there aren’t any official rest stops…food, big parking lot, bathrooms. Hope you have a good vacation!

      1. WellRed*

        I do plan to leave early Sunday was a deliberate choice traffic wise. Honestly it’s the other drivers that have me so stressed. Massholes indeed.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          I know this is hard to internalize and put into practice, but each driver is responsible for their own car and behavior. If someone wants to tailgate and beep at you and flip you off, that’s a “them” problem, not a “you” problem. You don’t have to take on the frustration and assholery of other people. You can leave that right on the road and drive in the way that makes you comfortable. (Within reason, of course, don’t drive 35 in the fast lane. But if you want to go 5mph under the speed limit in the slow lane, that’s a completely acceptable way to drive and anyone who disagrees is not your problem.)

          1. Missa Brevis*

            Yep! If you’re not on a tight timeline and can internalize the idea that other drivers are responsible for their own actions, you can just be super zen about whatever’s happening around you, react only to the extent you need to be able to drive safely, and let the massholes do their massholish things. Also works great in Chicago stop and go traffic.

    5. Jay*

      Sunday is a good day to drive and early is better.
      Check the larger towns and cities on or near your rout for any kind of sporting event, as that can do some EVIL things to traffic.
      Spend some time studying Google Maps and try to find ways to avoid large cities, if you can. For instance, I have a couple of different ways around Boston, rather than going through it, I-95 being my go-to unless there is construction/a series of accidents.
      Don’t be afraid to stop. Especially at those official service areas. Even if you aren’t going to use the services, it can do you some good to stretch your legs for a couple of minutes. Even though the gas is more expensive, I prefer them, personally, because I’ve ended up on far too many wild goose chases looking for a gas station that is supposed to be (according to the sign on the exit marker) just off the highway. Half the time I end up two towns over, a half hour away from the highway I’m supposed to be on. Which is, in and of itself, a major stressor.
      Entertaining and engaging podcasts, playlists, and books on tape are your friends. Something to keep you thinking and paying attention, but not dwelling on how uncomfortable you are driving in the place you are driving at.
      Before you leave, take some time to go over your vehicle. Make sure your windows, headlights, and mirrors are clean and that the mirrors are properly adjusted. Check your tire pressure, check how much time/mileage have until your next oil change, give the inside a onceover, adjust the seats and seatbelts for comfort, check that you have a couple of bucks in quarters for parking meters, and remove any trash or other random stuff you don’t want in there (but which none the less tends to accumulate in cars). This is, as much as anything else, a way to put yourself at ease. You KNOW your car is in as good a shape for this ride as it can possibly be, you KNOW you have your parking meter change and where it is, you KNOW you will be able to see the road even better than you normally do, etc., etc., etc.
      Have an “OH S**T!!!” number. Some one you can call every two hours or so (or whatever works for you) and give a quick update on where you are and how you are doing. That way, even if something DOES go wrong, you know that there is someone that you trust who knows where you are, where you have been, and where you are going. Which means that someone knows where to send a rescue if thing somehow go all pear shaped on you.
      Hope this helps.

      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        I have to say, Sunday drivers are the scariest near me! So many people going 50 in the left lane on the highway, staring down reading the map on their phone, disproportionate amount of very old people taking ancient cars out that have no business being on a highway and at risk of getting ticketed for going around the minimum speed. It’s definitely a day to drive defensively. Always slow around big exists because someone will always swerve over last minute to get to the exit, as if their life depends on it.

        Stay away from people going too slow is my main defensive driving advice. Speeders tend to get the worst rap but they know we’re they are going. But the most dangerous drivers I’ve seen are the ones who are zoned out staring into the distance. They’re the ones that make unexpected moves like switching lanes without looking.

    6. strawberry lemonade*

      Take breaks before you think you need them! For example map out where you’ll get out of the car and rest for 15 minutes after every hour. You don’t want to get to the point where you’re over-tired. It’s much more difficult to decide to leave the highway when you’re already tired.

      Through Boston, the traffic can get really bad and the roads are really tricky.

      -go the speed other cars are going, or a little slower. If you’re going below the speed limit, or 20mph slower than the non-speed-demon cars in the middle lane, you might get beeped at—it’s not for no reason, it’s pretty dangerous to be an unexpected obstacle in the road!
      -boston loves to have tricky merges pop up out of nowhere. use the second from the right lane most of the time for steady driving at ~traffic speed
      -stay calm and alert. the resting will help with both! you’ll be fine. modern cars have a lot of driving assist, too, which will definitely help!

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      As a Boston driver (but hopefully not a Masshole), sometimes the traffic is a good thing because it slows everyone down to a reasonable speed. Sundays are lighter, especially Sunday mornings before noon. As long as you stay in the slower lanes you will be fine. One tip if you are traveling 90 to 93 (heading south of Boston to the Cape) – it’s a left hand exit to 93. You don’t need to move to the left lane until you get out of the tunnel though? Good luck driving and have a lovely vacation!

    8. fposte*

      Sometimes it helps me to be a follower. Find somebody driving a way you can cope with (extra helpful if it’s a nice robust van or big car) and just cruise along behind them. It relieves me of the burden of imagined leadership and makes me feel a little protected on the front end.

    9. Maestra*

      If you don’t actually need to drive *through* Boston, don’t. As someone else mentioned, take 95 and go around the city – GPS usually suggests 93 because it’s shorter and might be faster, but if you have no familiarity with the tunnels, you could end up somewhere you don’t want to be as the right lane just continually is an exit lane that disappears. Do be aware that some sections of 95 post the speed limit as 55MPH, everyone will be going at least 10 over if not more. Stay to the right, but also be ready to keep up with the flow of traffic.

      If your new car has some good features, you might feel better about highway driving – lane assist, blind spot detection, for example, can make the whole prospect less daunting. Good luck!

    10. Kathy (Not Marian) the Librarian*

      L.A. driver here. The best way to cope is with a good audio book!
      When I drive without one, the other drivers get me upset and angry. If I listen to a book, I can enjoy my drive and knock off one book from my to-be-read list.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I’m imagining the audiobook of Joan Didion’s “Play It As It Lays” read by Warner Herzog now.

    11. Girasol*

      Driving is complicated and there’s so much to pay attention to. When I’m out of practice it’s like being a driver’s ed student again trying to think of all the things all at once. If that happens to you, don’t give up! Muscle memory kicks in before very long and it gets back to being comfortable again quite quickly. It helps if the first half hour is not in difficult traffic.

    12. ReallyBadPerson*

      Massachusetts drivers are the worst. I know, because I uses to be one. My number one rule for not getting stressed out is never to make eye contact with another driver. Don’t beg them to let you merge. Just put on your blinker and do it. They don’t want their cars to die, either.

    13. migrating coconuts*

      All good suggestions, especially just keep to the right. But, you can go out and buy, or just tape up your own, a sign that says “new driver, please be kind” or some such. People tend to be more forgiving when they see it.

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      As a Masshole ;) I second what everyone is saying about planning and being familiar with your route and where to stop. If you’re going to be on any major highways, stay out of the left two lanes. Second lane from the right is your best bet. It gives you options and you don’t have to do 80 to avoid people losing their minds on you for driving too slowly.
      Good luck! I hope you can stop at some nice farm stands and stuff

  8. Spatula report!*

    I asked for recommendations about a month ago on my quest to buy some spatulas. I would like to thank those who made good suggestions, those whose suggestions I disliked in ways that helped me articulate what qualities I did want, those whose suggestions weren’t right for me but might be for other spatula-seekers, the person who taught me the term “op shop,” and everyone who took the time to give an internet stranger some advice. I appreciate you all. :-)
    I’ll put a link to what I bought in a followup comment.

    1. Spatula OP*

      I bought these from Amazon. They have the top qualities I wanted: thin blade and thin handle. And they have the other qualities I hadn’t yet articulated that I wanted: flexible and slotted. They’ve arrived, I’ve used them and washed them, and they’re basically exactly what I wanted. I wouldn’t have chosen for them to be white, but I see that the red ones (previously out of stock) are back, so I might buy some more. Hooray, spatulas at last!
      https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07DLRGXGG?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details&th=1

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Ooh, they also make a nonstick-safe fork! Those are so handy for getting waffles out of a waffle iron, and annoyingly hard to find.

    3. Squidhead*

      I thought of you the other day at Target! They have some slender-handled spatulas right now that were on a hanging card with 2 or 3 tools for $3. Now I don’t remember all the details about them and I know you already chose something, but if you have a Target near you it could be worth a look. I think it’s part of the back-to-dorm seasonal stuff so they might not always have them.

  9. Falling Diphthong*

    Any Olympic events that were an exciting discovery for you?

    Kayak Cross: Line up 4 kayaks on a platform 6 meters above the water. Drop them together to compete a slalom course through a mix of downstream and upstream gates, part of which must be completed upside down.

    Kite Boarding: I just love how much this reads as dancing between water and air, with the tiny boards and need to keep always in motion.

    Sport Climbing:
    Speed: Sprint vertically up a 50 ft wall. They do this in the time it would take me to run the distance horizontally.
    Boulder: Solve four different climbing problems, five minutes for each. This really captures the part of the sport that is finding an elegant solution to a problem.
    Lead: One try to climb a long challenging course, clipping a lead rope as you go.

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        Unfortunately I haven’t had much chance to watch, but I’m looking forward to breaking.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      – Mountain biking was a lot of fun to watch, though it’s one of those sports where you’re amazed that anyone can learn to do it without dying.

      – They didn’t show much of the breaking, but anything which involves people spinning on their heads is inherently impressive.

      – I really enjoyed watching the skateboarding, and it was great to see Sky Brown get another medal for Team GB even though she was competing with a recently dislocated shoulder. And even though he was never in medal contention, watching 51-year-old Andy Macdonald represent us in the men’s contest was really entertaining. The BMX park contest (people doing wild tricks while riding BMX bikes) was also a lot of fun.

      – Speed climbing is the ideal Olympic casual-viewer sport, because it doesn’t take long to watch, it’s a lot of fun and it’s very easy to understand. And some of the best climbers come from countries like Indonesia that aren’t often represented in sports that get more attention, so that makes it more unpredictable.

      – And after the men’s 4 x 100 relay yesterday, I’ve concluded that getting the baton round without errors in Olympic finals is, for the US team, the equivalent of England doing penalty shootouts in international football tournaments. Though at least your women’s relay team didn’t mess up!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I loved the skateboarding. It lands as an embodiment of joy.

        I really appreciate that “what determines the score” is so evident with all three of the climbing disciplines. Like track and field in that respect.

      2. allathian*

        I really enjoyed watching Heili Sirviö on the board. Only 13 and so good! I hope she’ll do even better in LA. She was the high point in our Olympics, the third time in a row that Finland failed to win any medals.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I am now all in on this sport. The team version is just astonishing.

        Much more athletic and artistic from my vague memories of it.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I loved the sport climbing, both the speed-climbing (human spiders!) and the boulder and lead events (very physical chess).

      Also adored the Kayak Cross – full-contact paddling? (I would like to try kayaking someday but not with the risk of having somebody else shove me off-course. Lots of fun to watch, though.)

      The Artistic (formerly Synchronized) Swimming was awesome, not least because they showed the underwater views. I’d hold my breath while the swimmers were underwater, and often could barely hold on for the duration of the routine even though I was just sitting there and they were working so darned hard the whole time! Those platform moves, where 7 swimmers make a flat platform of their bodies and lift the 8th into the air, sometimes to perform a series of gymnastic moves while the others churned away like mad under the water… very impressive!

    5. Don’t make me come over there*

      Kayak cross was bananas! Loved watching that, fencing, speed climbing, and some handball.

    6. slmrlln*

      Skateboarding: fun to watch, the commentators did a really excellent job of explaining what was going on and why, and the competitors were friendly with each other. Good sportsmanship as well as cool tricks.

      I also really enjoyed judo, breaking, and kayak cross.

    7. Jordan*

      Ok thanks for the tips, I was kind of ignoring the canoe/boats category but now I’ll take a look!
      I really enjoyed the BMX and skateboarding. And I’ve always liked the field events of track and field.
      My favorite thing about the Olympic broadcasts this year is the ability to pick a sport and a time I want- and not be stuck with hours of beach volleyball when I want to watch pole vault or anything else.
      I set my stream device to record sport climbing and breaking so I’m glad to hear they are good

    8. BikeWalkBarb*

      Thanks for mentioning the sport climbing. Watched some of that yesterday and it was fantastic. I took a couple of wall-climbing classes many years ago. It was beautiful to see the women in particular being so strong and agile.

      Kite-boarding also very cool. They’re practically sitting in those waves sometimes.

      My husband was a competitive shooter in college so we watched the air pistol and other shooting competitions. He was able to clue me into some of the physical challenges involved, including a surprising (to me) amount of muscular strength. And those targets are *tiny* at the longer distances.

    9. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I wish more of the sport climbing had been televised, I enjoyed the tiny clips I saw

  10. Oreo Poll*

    Here’s a light topic: Does anybody else (besides me) discard the Oreo white stuffing? I stand over the trash can scraping it off with a knife so I can eat just the cookie part. Is this just subversive?

    1. WellRed*

      What! The white stuff is the best part! After all, you can get double stuff Oreos it I don’t think double chocolate cardboard wafers is a thing ; )

      1. Nightengale*

        Chocolate wafers were a thing. I started to type “are a thing” but the internet tells me they were discontinued in 2023. They were key for a chocolate cherry dessert I made through childhood as well as the Depression era chocolate wafer/whipped cream icebox cake I made a few times and was on Mister Rogers. They were always hard to find though.

    2. Indigo64*

      Not me, but my mom does! Of all the variations of Oreos, I can’t believe you can’t buy then unfrosted.

      1. Oreo Poll*

        But, but nothing else tastes the same! :) I’ve tried them all. Those plain chocolate wafer cookies are bad. The Oreo cardboard is the best cardboard

        1. Grits McGee*

          Agree with you on the lack of substitutes- I think I’ve tried 6 or 7 generic or alternative oreos, and none of them have come close to duplicating the taste of the original.

          And you are not alone! One of my friends also hates the filling, though I am usually there to take it off her hands. :) Have you tried oreo thins? There’s less cookie but also less filling.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Do you know any brands of chocolate cookies/wafers to recommend? I have an old recipe for an icebox cake that uses chocolate wafer type cookies, but I haven’t seen any in years.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          They stopped making those! King Arthur Flour has a good recipe for them and they’re not hard to bake yourself.

        2. Rage*

          I bet I have that same recipe. I made it a lot when I was younger.

          I haven’t tried in a while, because you can’t find those cookies anymore, though I did come across a recipe for them and I’ve been debating just making the whole thing from scratch.

        3. Girasol*

          I love ice box cake and I miss Famous Chocolate Wafers! Some alternatives: oreo thins, chocolate graham crackers, and (if you’re not stuck on chocolate) ginger snaps.

    5. chocolate muffins*

      Nooooo, the frosting is delicious! I often eat the frosting first, then the chocolate part – a habit left over from my childhood self, who liked to separate different kinds of foods and different components of the same food.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        “You are a monster” was the first thing that popped into my head and I haven’t had an Oreo in years.

    7. The golden typewriter*

      That is complete and utter banana pants.

      If you just hate the plain, try the mint. It’s delicious :)

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      No, but I prefer the ratio of cookie to filling in the thins rather than the regular.

    9. Alex*

      Too bad they discontinued Famous chocolate wafer cookies. That’s pretty much what those were!

      You aren’t the only one–my grandfather HATEd the middle and scraped it off (but also mostly bought Famous chocolate wafer cookies).

    11. Jay*

      Heresy!!!
      The only way to eat Oreos is to take two double stuffs, remove one of the nasty wafer things from each, and make quadruple stuffs ;)

      1. Random Bystander*

        Yes! I do this too.

        I do find Golden Oreos to be better tasting, so I’ll eat those wafers but I still make QuadStufs.

    13. Filosofickle*

      If Oreos are in front of me I will eat the whole thing, but I don’t buy them because I mostly only like the cookie part and I am not going to buy them and throw out the insides lol. (That’s my adult taste buds talking. As a kid it was all double stuff all the time, but I did eat the stuffing separate from the cookie.)

      1. PhyllisB*

        Can you believe my grandkids don’t like Double Stuff Oreos because there’s “too much stuff in them.” Where did I go wrong?

    14. Six Feldspar*

      I’m pretty sure that was an option in the alternate reality where the “Stop Making New Oreos” video was made at least…

    16. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My father HATED the sight of someone unscrewing an Oreo. Hated it. It was forbidden in out house when I was a kid. I am not joking. He also adored my daughter, who is the only grandchild. So when she was three I sat her down next to her granddad and handed her a box of Oreos. She joyously unscrewed them and of course he would never correct her. The look on his face was absolutely priceless.

      And the filling is the best part. I don’t like DoubleStuf, though, and I actually preferred Hydrox.

    17. Pippa K*

      Related question, am I the only person in the world who hates Oreos? I wish you all joy of them as cookies or ice cream toppings or whatever, but…eeurgh.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Never liked them much even as a kid, and as an adult I put them firmly on the “can eat to be polite but will never go for them unencouraged” list.

      3. ReallyBadPerson*

        There are at least two of us. Bitter fake chocolate outside, artificial, too sweet inside, what’s not to hate?

    19. Clisby*

      Nah, original Oreos have way too much stuffing. The only Oreos I buy are Oreo thins. When I was growing up, I always preferred Hydrox cookies to Oreos, but I haven’t seen them in a store in years. Some company has resurrected them – I should probably see if I can buy them online.

    20. Random Bystander*

      We need to meet–you scrape the stuf into a bowl, I give you the cookies.

      If the next special Oreo thing was “All Stuf”–I’d buy that.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        iirc in the children’s book “Amber Brown is not a crayon” Amber and her best friend do this – one licks off the frosting and the other ways the cookie. Amber, narrating, days something like, “Some people think this is disgusting. We call it efficient.” Im pretty sure I think about this every time Oreos somehow come up. xD

      2. Wired Wolf*

        Now I’m tempted to make a fake label for a Fluff jar “New Oreo All-Stuf” and see if anyone falls for it.

    21. goddessoftransitory*

      Truthfully, I’ve never cared for Oreos much, and was the kid who just ate them whole instead of taking them apart. And I do prefer the cookie part!

    22. Rosyglasses*

      Me!!! I love just the cookie and the middle is a bit too trashy sweet for me. Into the bin! Or to my hubby…

    25. anon24*

      I love mint Oreos and dark chocolate Oreos but I agree the regular are nasty. I don’t discard the insides, but I generally just don’t eat them

    26. dontbeadork*

      I just don’t eat Oreo cookies. That white stuff is nasty and the chocolate cookie isn’t really all that exciting (but much better without the sugary Crisco between them).

    27. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I don’t buy them, but if I end up with some, same. I also do not eat frosting/icing on cake or cupcakes. Frosting is my #1 most hated food. But oreo frosting is an extra level of tongue coating blech

  11. Harlowe*

    Cat owners, what toys/products do you have that your cat can use alone to stay occupied without human assistance? Willing to spend up to ~250 total.

    Our cat is lonely and acting out because my husband is isolating to recover from multiple surgeries. He cannot risk being jumped on for several months, and I work long hours so I’m not around.

    I know common advice for lonely cats is to get them a playmate, but my husband’s injury makes him a permanent fall risk, so this will be our last pet.

      1. RLC*

        Another vote for this toy! All 4 of our cats love it, we have 3 of these distributed around the house. One cat has figured out how to launch onto it and slide on it across the laminate floor, luge style.

      2. osmoglossom*

        Alison, a while ago you recommended some felted wool balls that your cats love but I don’t remember where you got them. Would you please remind me? Thanks so much!

          1. Rah*

            they look small. aren’t you afraid the cats will eat/accidentally swallow them? I don’t buy so many toys as our cats should have because I’m neurotic about that kind of thing. and one cat really does eat everything.

            our cats ignore that scratcher too too..

            2. RLC*

              We’ve bought the full size felted wool dryer balls for our cats, great size to grab onto and rabbit-kick. Can spray with catnip oil to increase appeal.

      3. Slinky*

        Yes! We got one as a gift and my cats are obsessed with it. Every other toy, they get sick of eventually. They have used this daily for more than a year.

    2. Ellen Ripley*

      Some more ideas: Can you have a family member, friend, or friend’s kid come play with kitty a few times per week?

      Also a laser pointer is low effort for the human but can tire a cat out.

      If kitty likes to bird watch, a bird feeder/hummingbird feeder outside a window she can see out of is fun for them.

      A cat nip mat that you can refill before leaving for work could be a good option. It’s basically a little zippered pouch that is big enough for them to lay on.

      1. Ellen Ripley*

        More ideas part 2: for the little time you do have time to interact with the cat, throwing treats for her to chase can be a good activity, she gets to chase/hunt and eat something tasty.

        Leaving a cardboard box out every few days/move it around/put out a different one can be fun for some cats.

        Getting her a new kitty bed or hiding spot.

        Bring a used shirt out from your husband and put it in her napping area so she can be comforted by the smell.

        Just a few ideas, maybe something will help! Hope you and your husband are holding up okay.

      2. allathian*

        The laser pointer is mild animal abuse. It triggers the cat’s hunting instinct, but the cat never gets the satisfaction of catching its “prey” like they do with physical toys. Using a laser pointer only leaves the cat more frustrated.
        .

        1. allathian*

          I’m very sorry to hear about your husband’s injury. I hope he recovers as much as possible.

        2. Sloanicota*

          Actually I’d like to see if other commenters have ever had success getting the cat to switch at the end to a toy they *can* catch? Like could you flick the laser pointer off right as you land on another red shiny object, or anything?

        3. tired turtle*

          Huh. The laser pointer is the only toy my cat reliably plays with. I don’t know how much is actual hunting behaviour vs engineering the humans, as in: I wonder where the human will make the red dot go now. The cat will only reliably “chase” the red dot if it’s on a specific paper-sized section of one wall. Some cats weren’t made to survive the wild ….

        4. Falling Diphthong*

          Our dog is more into the laser pointer than any cat we’ve ever had. She would set up each night to do a routine with my husband, along an expected route. (If he tried to vary it, she would go wait by where the red dot should appear, until he shaped up and did it right.) For some animals it’s fun to chase. (One of my cats spent much of yesterday watching an ant, without trying to stop it.)

          The dog has caught a squirrel before, and when you do that you have a mouthful of dirty and annoyed rodent. She didn’t care for it.

          3. RagingADHD*

            Yes, I hide a treat or drop some catnip while they’re chasing, and wind up leading them to it.

        6. Love me, love my cat*

          I heard that after a little bit of laser chasing, you should point it at a treat the cat can pounce on. This satisfies the need to “catch” the prey. This would probably entail a little pre-planning to have the treat ready before kitty gets too frustrated, but not where he’d see it too soon.

    3. RedinSC*

      How about one of those enrichment eating mats? You smear the wet food in it and it takes the cat a while to eat their breakfast or dinner. That could keep kitty occupied a bit longer around meal time.

      And my sister’s cat goes nuts for this little motorized butterfly toy. It’s a little think at the end of a wire that dances around.

      You can find both on Amazon, search for cat enrichment eating mat and motorized butterfly cat toy.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree that for cats who are home all day (and who like food) having automatic feeders that go on and off on their own could be entertaining. I believe there are ones for wet food, which would be the only way my cat would be excited. Cats like a schedule and tend to anticipate so a meal at say 10AM, after you’ve left and while the husband naps, would break up the morning for them. Ideally I’d have it give a small amount every other hour or something, but I’m not sure that’s a “thing”

      2. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Second the idea of finding ways to enrich eating! I have a bunch of different puzzle feeders for my cat, all made by Trixie, and he really enjoys them and plays with them pretty much all day and night. Highly recommend the Mad Scientist one, where they have to flip little test tubes over to get the food…it’s adorable.

        1. Higher Ed Cube Farmer*

          My cat gets all his food from puzzle toys that he plays with while the humans are at work all day (except a tiny bit of wet food that has medicine in it, so we feed him when we can watch to make sure he eats it). We switch out the puzzle toy periodically, rotating through a few different ones, so it stays interesting.

          He also has access to the screened porch for nature watching, a cat tree for climbing, and assorted toys he can play with by himself — but mostly he’s pretty lazy in the daytime. Even when his humans are home and offer to play with him, he mostly wants to nap during the day. He’s most active at dawn and dusk, as you would expect from an animal whose wild ancestors hunted in twilight. He’s a lousy hunter himself; last time a lizard got into the house, the cat watched it run into his travel carrier (which is where we feed him, so it’s not a scary/unpleasant place), and just sat there looking at it. He’s lucky he’s domesticated; he wouldn’t survive living independently.

    4. Animal Lover*

      My cats are pretty obsessed with the KONG Kitten Mice Cat Toy. My cats and I were house/pet sitting at my parents place and I brought one with me for my cats. My moms cat immediately stole it and is now also obsessed with them. I had to go out and buy more. So that’s a recommendation from three cats! ;) The Boinks Bamboozler has also been a hit, but mine snapped in half after some aggressive play. I still use the remains of it, but it’s not as exciting. But maybe something like that could let your husband play with the cat still, since he could hold onto one end and gently wave it about?

    5. Sloanicota*

      I’m assuming husband is shut in a different room than the cat (probably for the best if he needs uninterrupted rest / can’t be jumped on) – if husband could rest on the couch but kitty just needs to be gentle, I might have different suggestions targeting the specific behavior of jumping up aggressively on the couch. If it’s about trying to occupy the cat in another room, have never really believed in cat TV but I will say my poor kitten just had to be in the Kitty ER, and they definitely set her up with her own tablet of birds and said she liked it. They do make cat-specific channels I think. I did see kitty (who is returned and healthy now) interact with the Olympic gymnasts on TV so maybe they’re on to something.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        My daughter’s dog barks at dogs on TV, including those made of cake.

        The cat TV channels are definitely worth a shot.

    6. Meg*

      My two cats will play alone with shoestrings dangling out of shoes, so I keep some worn-out old sneakers on the floor of the bedroom for them. They also play by themselves with those catnip bananas Alison’s cats like.

      I’m going to try some of the suggestions others have made. I’ve never bought them anything like a Turbo Scratcher, and it looks promising.

      I had high hopes for the Cat Dancer toy, made of paper bits attached to a springy wire. They’re supposed to play with it independently if it’s looped over a doorknob, but they only use it when I’m dangling it. The original model is still under $5, so it might be worth a try.

    8. dontbeadork*

      Try the Cheerble ball or Wicked mouse or wicked snail from Cheerble. Electronic toys that you can set different intensities on. Our lot adore the basic ball, so I charge a couple up and leave one out where it can roll about the room and toss the other into our animal playpen with some crumpled up papers. Cats bump them and they trigger some movement (rolling, bouncing in place) which continues up to about 10 minutes, then it stops for a brief rest period. Cat can trigger it again or it may switch itself on and start rolling.

      The whole clowder will chase these, from our elderly 17yo to the “babies” at 2.

      1. dontbeadork*

        Additionally, one of ours is astonishingly bright, so we have lots of treat puzzles scattered where he can amuse himself fishing out treats. He particularly enjoys the ones where he has to slide stuff around to get to the treats, although the one like three tubes on an axis he has to spin to make them fall out is pretty popular, too. His brother often hangs about to watch while he fishes out treats, grabbing some from our little worker bee.

        Well, maybe not so bright. He does all the work and his brother steals the treats. Maybe the brother is the bright one?

  12. Not your typical admin*

    Update on my post last week about my teen daughter being bullied by a girl on her cross country team. This past week a coach overheard her making comments about another team members body size. She was pulled out from running and told she was going to be the “team encourager” for the rest of practice, so as the rest of the team ran laps past her she had to yell out positive comments and encouragement. Not sure what all else happened, but my daughter said things are better. Also, my son, who graduated last year, was asked to come and help assist with coaching the boys, so he’ll be able to indirectly keep an extra eye on things.

    While it’s been tough, it’s actually resulted in some good conversations and growth for her. Thanks for “listening” and all the tips last week!

      1. Not your typical admin*

        I have to admit it was glorious to watch. She had to stand by the coach and yell out positive things to each team member as they ran past her.

    2. RLC*

      Kudos to that coach for catching the bully in the act, and creating clear and specific consequences!

    5. Ellis Bell*

      That’s so good; I was hoping there would be encouragement of positive behaviours and that idea is inspired.

    6. BikeWalkBarb*

      What a great consequence! I hope at least some of it sank in so the bully can actually think differently about the other team members.

    7. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I’m glad there is some improvement. Last weeks post made me sad because I have always found XC and track to be some of the most positive teams my kiddos have been on. But we have amazing coaches

  13. Ready for the weekend*

    My mom went into the hospital this week and I’ve been trying to help my dad with everything. I’m going with him every day to see her but what are some other ways I can help out?

    1. chocolate muffins*

      I’m so sorry about your mom. I know your question is focusing on your dad but this sounds potentially stressful/scary/sad/other “s” emotions for you as well, and I am sending good thoughts your way.

      For your dad, could you ask him what would be helpful? Sometimes it isn’t easy for people to come up with things in response to an open-ended questions like that, but on the other hand sometimes people have a specific thing that would help that you might not guess and that they’d be happy to tell you. And with someone he knows well, an open-ended question might be less stressful than it sometimes is from someone more distant.

      In general, if my spouse were hospitalized, I would find it helpful to have help with doing basic necessary activities. Like, it would be great for someone to cook for me/bring me food/send me gift cards to delivery places (and also, I would probably like it if someone close to me kept me company while I ate, because when I am having a hard time sometimes it is hard to eat and doing it with company might make it easier). Or doing housework/paying for someone to help with that. Or taking care of stuff that breaks around the house, needs maintenance, etc.

      The other thing I personally would find very nice is companionship. Not all the time but like, someone to text me sometimes to say hi or send a funny video or see how I am. Someone to go for walks with sometimes or have lunch with sometimes. It can be nice to follow the person’s lead about whether they want to engage with the thing that is hard or be distracted.

      I hope you are being kind to youself too in the midst of all of this, and have people supporting you. Good thoughts to you and your family from me (I know I said that already at the beginning of my comment but you are getting some more here too).

    2. Alex*

      Are there things that your mom typically does that you could fill in for? Like if she usually cleans, or does the shopping, or meal planning, etc.

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Just keep everything running at home. Feed pets, bring in mail, grocery shop, laundry. Make sure he’s eating (even men who cook can be too overwhelmed to feed themselves when someone they love is in crisis).
      And listen to all his thoughts, fears and emotions without denying any of them or telling him not to feel that way. When you’re scared out of your mind you want to be able to talk about those fears without someone saying “Don’t even THINK about her dying!” or “Just focus on the positive and don’t give those fears any room in your head!” (Actual things said to me when a family member was dying. They are NOT helpful, and actually can make it harder for the person struggling. I just needed to talk about my fears and process them verbally. Better than having them run rampant in my head because I cannot get them out because no one will listen.)

  15. The golden typewriter*

    Inspired by the Oreo lady:
    What’s something you do with your food that’s weird/crazy?

    Confession:I like my steaks very well done. I know. I’m a monster

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Everything I do with my food is perfectly normal, but my husband thinks I’m weird for normal stuff like putting cheese on my scrambled eggs or preferring to eat my apples sliced instead of just biting into them.

      1. RLC*

        Apples are sooo much better sliced! I recall our school lunch monitor carried an apple slicer in her handbag and would slice any child’s whole apple for them if they wished. When asked, she said that she’d observed that children would discard a whole apple uneaten but happily eat it if it was sliced.
        Also, cheese makes just about any food tastier in my opinion. Cheese on scrambled eggs isn’t much different than a cheese omelette?

        1. Agnes Grey*

          Decades ago when I had braces I couldn’t bite into an apple and to this day I still don’t; I always cut them up.

        2. Chauncy Gardener*

          I always used to cut up fruit and vegetables (apples, oranges, carrots, etc) to get my kids to eat them and not notice. If there was a bowl of them on the counter when they came home from school, it would all be gone in moments!
          But a whole carrot? Perish the thought!

      2. Double A*

        I get a weird like soul-patch bruise under my lip when I eat a whole apple from how it bends my lower lip back??? Kind of like a hickey? I don’t really mind eating a whole apple but the embarrassing bruise means it’s sliced for me until I forget again why I don’t eat whole apples.

      3. Ellis Bell*

        I used to work with a woman who thought her partner’s family was weird because they had salad veggies on the side of dinner. I tried to get to the bottom of the objection, but didn’t really.

    2. RMNPgirl*

      I make peanut butter (smooth) and jelly sandwiches and put tostitos plain rounds on them so it’s salty and crunchy. I’ve been asked why I don’t just use crunchy peanut butter and it’s because I don’t like it and the chips give it a different crunch and taste than crunchy peanut butter does.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Texture is SOOOOO important. It’s why I adore Krackle candy bars but Nestle Crunch can pound sand. There’s something indefinable but definite in the difference.

    3. WellDone*

      Well done steak lovers unite.

      That said, I hear it’s supposed to be weird but I only know one person who doesntlike their steak well done. So I’m not sure it’s such a minority opinion.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I don’t know anybody in person who does like their steak well done, the closest anyone gets is medium-well and even that’s rare. No pun intended.

        2. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

          I only know 2 people who like their steak well done and we used to have dinner with them almost every weekend and eventually i think we agreed to not make steak for eachother. They very proudly presented our “medium rare” steaks they had put in much later than theirs and it was still well-done. Not even the slightest blush.

          My one friend was vegetarian for a long time and then started eating steak because it made a difference in her energy level. And she always got it well done, and never liked it. And then one time she got medium-rare by accident in an underlit restaurant and liked it , so now she eats a medium rare steak once every two weeks in a very dimly lit room. She still can’t look at it.

      2. Meg*

        Yes, my parents, brothers, and I were all well-done-steak lovers. I didn’t know anyone ate it any other way until at age 19 I invited my boyfriend over for a chateaubriand dinner. Our oven was on the blink and wouldn’t go above 195 degrees, so he got it blood-rare. And he *loved* it. At first I thought he was kidding, but there was no mistaking the gusto with which he was devouring it.

        My mom wasn’t thrilled about me dating this guy, so I wondered about the oven just happening to mess up the same day he was coming over.

        I switched to ordering steaks cooked medium-well after this. Progress! But my brothers and their wives/kids will unite with you, WellDone.

    4. Not your typical admin*

      I love anything in a bowl, so I’m constantly mixing unusual combinations. My go to comfort food on a bad day is macaroni and cheese, peas, and whatever meat I have leftover.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Mac and cheese with stuff in it is a freezer staple for me, and peas and ham or smoked sausage are one of my most common “stuff” :)

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        That’s a time honored way to get the green stuff down your gullet! I love broccoli on my mac and cheese. A couple years ago I was out with sister and our stepsister and ordered this–you’d think I had demanded hummingbird under glass. They kept going on about how “bougie” it was. IT’S A VEGETABLE, GUYS.

    5. Everything is a pancake*

      Sorta like Not Your Typical Admin, I like to turn things into pancakes. Leftover yams? Add an egg, a bit of flour, warm spices & press into a greased fry pan, cook, flip. Leftover rice? Add an egg, green onions, shredded carrots, ginger, teriyaki sauce & press into a fry pan. Cook & flip. Same with mashed potatoes, Mac n cheese.

      1. Rae*

        Have you done this with a waffle iron at all? If you like crispy edges, it’s the perfect device for these sorts of leftover croquettes. :)

      2. PhyllisB*

        This is an old Southern thing: if you have leftover field peas or black-eyed peas add an egg, chopped onion, a dash of hot sauce and some flour to hold it together then fry. Delicious!! Also Southern, if you make cornbread and have batter left, you can use the next day to make corn cakes with. Now the batter gets a weird look if you keep it a day or two, but just give it a good stir and it’s fine. These are even better fried in bacon grease. I grew up with country cooks who didn’t waste a thing.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I remember the old Jezebel cooking thread that had “Will It Casserole?” as a very popular category.

    6. HannahS*

      I used to prefer well-done steaks, and I still don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.

      I make french toast without sugar or milk. Just bread soaked in egg and fried.

      Rice with ketchup remains a comfort food.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        The savory “French toast” is almost like the Russian “grenki”. It’s basically bread dipped into the mixture of egg, milk, salt, pepper, and Pam fried.

        1. HannahS*

          Interesting! I suspect our family’s way of making comes down the Russian-Jewish side of the family tree.

          1. AGD*

            I’m also of Russian-Jewish descent and didn’t even blink at the idea of frying bread in egg alone, so it might well be!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I had a roommate in college who liked rice and spaghetti sauce–called it “Maggots in Blood Sauce” and couldn’t understand our reluctance to dive in.

    7. Aphrodite*

      I agree with you, Typwriter. Well done steaks are delicious! I don’t criticize those who prefer their steaks served nearly mooing, and I get pretty tired of the “shoe leather” comments.

      A small snack that I really enjoy with milk: triscuit crackers with TJ’s crunchy peanut butter topped with a hamburger dill pickle slice. Yum!

    8. Morning Reader*

      I like to stir my coffee thoroughly while still black, then pour cream directly into the center and watch it spin out to form a tiny replica of the Milky Way.

      3. Ellis Bell*

        This reminds me of my grandfather teaching me to make tea in a glass mug; I preferred his way of putting the milk in last because you can see the milk blooming and spreading like clouds.

    9. Alex*

      There’s a lot of stuff that I love separately but hate together.

      Love pancakes. Love chocolate. Love blueberries. Don’t like either blueberry or chocolate chip pancakes.

      I love whipped cream. I love ice cream. Don’t like whipped cream on top of my ice cream.

      I love oatmeal. I love peanut butter. Peanut butter on oatmeal is GROSS (my friend swears by this combo). As is anything else in oatmeal (fruit, etc.) except maple syrup or brown sugar.

      I used to dislike jelly on my peanut butter sandwiches but I’ve evolved on that one.

      On the other hand, I can’t stand walnuts unless they are in a salad.

      1. sagewhiz*

        The only thing I ever add to oatmeal is mixing in lots of butter and salt and then more on top, plus black pepper. And leftover oatmeal? Fry it up—yup, in lots of butter.

        1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

          I like making oatmeal with chicken or ham stock, if I am having ham for breakfast.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Cherry chocolate cashew Kind bars: I like all those things individually, but the combination is bleah. Maybe too soft?

        Raisins I have discovered I like in savory food. I just dislike them in sweets. Same with coconut.

      3. PhyllisB*

        I love bananas and I love ice cream. I DO NOT love them together. My family used to love banana splits and I’m like just leave the banana off mine.
        My mother used to have a restaurant and she had several customers who would order a banana split without the banana. She also had two men who would come for hamburgers. One would order a hamburger with everything but the bun, and another who would order one with everything but the meat. This was back in the 50s so no one had heard of watching carbs and such.

      4. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I love chocolate. I love peanut butter. I hate Reese’s. I don’t like peanut butter in any sweet thing – cookies or ice cream or cake. Just ick. I do love peanut-flavored savory food like sate. I guess I just don’t want sugar with my peanut butter!

        1. Mimmy*

          While I agree with you about peanut butter in cookies or cakes, I LOVE the combo of chocolate and peanut butter. Any sort of variety on the peanut butter cup is heaven to me.

          1. Wired Wolf*

            I love love love dark chocolate Reese’s cups, but they’re getting hard to find around here.

      5. anonymous anteater*

        oooh whipped cream on ice cream, and then the cream layer at the interface freezes a little bit – one of my favorite textures!

        I like bananas, and I hate any banana flavored product.

      6. Mimmy*

        I love oatmeal. I love peanut butter. Peanut butter on oatmeal is GROSS (my friend swears by this combo). As is anything else in oatmeal (fruit, etc.) except maple syrup or brown sugar.

        I’m the same way about having anything in oatmeal. I also like cinnamon.

      7. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

        Blue cheese in a salad – great
        Blue cheese in any other place – disgusting

        Mushrooms are another one. I love mushrooms. But not in a cream sauce and not on a salad.

    10. Catherine*

      Cheese quesadilla with rice mixed into the cheese. I know it sounds awful but if I’m very tired and need to get as many carbs as possible into my body it’s the first thing I want.

    11. The Dude Abides*

      Past – Either PBJ or Nutella spread onto two waffles and eaten like a sandwich as a quick and cheap breakfast option.

      Current – during the work week, my lunch is an entire rotisserie chicken with either a salad or mixed fruit.

    12. Six Feldspar*

      I’ve completed disconnected food from the time it’s “meant” to be eaten. Time is meaningless, stirfry is a breakfast food and porridge is a dinner food.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        The day after Thanksgiving is “Pie for Breakfast” day in our household, and rigidly observed.

      3. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

        I had digestive difficulty with most breakfast foods at one point and ended up eating stirfried veggies and protein for breakfast every day for about 9 months. For some reason steak worked for me but I could never quite get on board with chicken

    13. Accidental Itinerant Teacher*

      I put ketchup on my scrambled eggs

      And one of my go to comfort food combos is cheddar cheese with peanut butter

      2. Morning Reader*

        Also egg+ketchup here.
        Love the peanut butter combo. I also do peanut butter with pickles, or with mustard and sliced onion.

      3. Accidental Itinerant Teacher*

        Ooh one I forgot that is sure to be horrifying someone:
        I prefer my scones with sour cream

        Many years ago my mum wasn’t paying attention and handed me a plain scone with a big old dollop of sour cream and I found the sweet and tangy combo was perfect.

    14. Banana Pyjamas*

      I don’t think it’s THAT weird because I’ve met a couple of people that do it, but I love to dip my French fries in chocolate milk shake. Similarly, I like Tostitos scoops with chocolate syrup. Chocolate ice cream Pepsi milk shake.

      Every once in a while I must have liverwurst, cream cheese and pickles on rye.

      3. allathian*

        My childood favorite was dipping fries in chocolate sundae.

        Brie or blue cheese on thin gingerbread cookies is also great.

        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          Blue cheese is on of my weird allergies, but I imagine cream cheese would be good as well.

    15. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Mainland European living in the UK. I have my tea black, with exactly one teaspoon of either sugar, or honey. I don’t get tea with milk, and all teas taste the same to me when completely unsweetened. Depending on who I’m talking to, I’m called weird for one of these things at a time, or both together. Sweetening my tea seems to be the biggest heresy, followed by the fact I rarely have milk in the house (I have to make a conscious effort to remember to buy it for guests, and sometimes forget, when they’re only coming round briefly).

    16. Fluffy Orange Menace*

      I think every food ever are better with Tabasco sauce. I’m Chinese and primarily eat proper conventional Chinese food. But with Tabasco sauce.

      1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

        I put hot sauce on my salads, in soups, and in any sauces I’m making! Like, if I have to eat lettuce, let’s spice it UP!

        1. Fluffy Orange Menace*

          I feel most western food allow this. Being hardcore Chinese in my Chinese food, well.

    17. Atheist Nun*

      I am unsure if this is “weird” or “crazy” (those sound like quite judgmental adjectives), but this habit is “particular” or “distinctive”: When I was a kid, I did not like the crust on bread, but I knew I had to eat it, so I ate it first when I had a sandwich to “get it over with” before proceeding to the “good stuff” of the crust free interior. That means I ate the sandwich in a circle, eating the crust around the border first. I started applying that habit to any kind of sandwich, and now I even eat a (crustless) burger in a circle.

      2. Accidental Itinerant Teacher*

        I’m an adult, and I still eat my sandwiches like this for the same reason

    18. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      Raspberry jam on scrambled eggs! Or maple syrup. Or honey. Discovered all these by accident when different food group toppings merged over on to my eggs, and now my husband cringed in horrified offense whenever I cheerfully add sweetness to my eggs.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My mom would order a pancakes-and-eggs meal, with over easy eggs, and then put the eggs on top of the stack of pancakes and syrup the whole mess.

    19. Falling Diphthong*

      I, also, like my steak at least medium well. I loathe the texture of rare meat. Why do other people care? I have never gotten the social signaling that grew up around steak doneness.

      My ideal beef experience being the burnt ends from slow smoked brisket.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Reading the well done steak feelings on this thread is like when I read a WaPo article on alcohol consumption in the US, and discovered that 30% don’t drink, and the next 10% have one drink/year. The next 10% is a few drinks/year.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I drink very rarely nowadays, like a glass of something with dinner once in a couple of months, but I like my steak medium rare!

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I drink about three times a year and I don’t even LIKE steak. (About once a year, I have prime rib, which I think defaults to medium or so, but only a tiny bit.)

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I find most steak overrated as well. I’ve had some perfectly nice ones, but nothing I’d go out of my way for.

      2. carcinization*

        I don’t eat steak (unless the occasional Philly cheesesteak sandwich counts), and prefer burgers medium, but I LOVE burnt ends. As for drinking, I generally have 1-2 drinks per week, but there are definitely weeks when I don’t have any.

    20. RussianInTexas*

      When I eat hardboiled eggs for breakfast, I would slice once in half and put a bit of mayo on top of the each half. Sorry of near – devilled egg.
      At home I make most sandwiches open faced, because I didn’t want that much bread.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I love bananas and I love ice cream. I DO NOT love them together. My family used to love banana splits and I’m like just leave the banana off mine.
        My mother used to have a restaurant and she had several customers who would order a banana split without the banana. She also had two men who would come for hamburgers. One would order a hamburger with everything but the bun, and another who would order one with everything but the meat. This was back in the 50s so no one had heard of watching carbs and such.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I do as well! I also prefer a blend of ketchup and mayo over straight ketchup for fries and such (this used to be weird, but now Fry Sauce is A Thing and it’s not anymore, I guess.)

      4. Meh*

        not weird. I used to do that. my kids do it.
        dipping pizza into ketchup… is a unique thing I’ve only seen in India

    22. Llellayena*

      I put honey or applesauce on my Mac and cheese. Which one depends on the original quality of Mac and cheese. Cheap stuff from the grocery store buffet gets honey, my own homemade gets applesauce.

    23. Dr. KMnO4*

      Since I have yet to find a GF hot dog bun that I enjoy, I use a baked potato instead. I microwave a large potato, split it lengthwise, scoop out the middle of each half, add my toppings, and put the hot dogs in. I mash up the middle of the potato with some ketchup and seasoned salt.

      I also generally prefer savory breakfasts, especially leftovers. I will have pancakes or waffles when I’m with my dad, but left to my own devices I’m less inclined to put a lot of effort into breakfast, even on weekends.

      Probably the weirdest of all: The only cereal I eat is regular Cheerios, and I eat it dry.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I used to eat Cheerios dry! But the price has gotten so ridiculously high I don’t buy them anymore.

      2. Rose is a rose is a rose*

        I don’t avoid gluten but your hot dog in a baked potato method sounds glorious! I’ll have to give it a try.

      3. Percy Weasley*

        Yes to a savory breakfast! Yes to leftovers for breakfast, though pizza must be heated, never cold. Savory oatmeal w/ garlic & cayenne is amazing.

      4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I “invented” potacos a ways back, which is when you realize on taco night that you forgot to pick up taco shells or tortillas and stuff all your taco fillings into baked potatoes instead. Very popular in my house now.

    24. My Brain is Exploding*

      Not me, but my dad. He used to make a peanut butter and sandwich spread (I think they still make it, it’s like mayo with pickles?) sandwich. And also put butter and grape jelly on baked potatoes.

    25. slowingaging*

      I slice carrots on the diagonal cooked or raw. I cannot explain why I don’t like round sliced carrots, stick sliced carrots.

    26. Cacofonix*

      I like meat well done too. And I like peanut butter and lettuce sandwiches. Dislike jelly, so lettuce gives me both crunch and anti-stick-to-roof-of-mouth properties.

    27. Rage*

      I do not put syrup on my waffles or pancakes. Instead, I use applesauce.

      Decades ago, when I worked at Burger King, my coworkers saw me on break, dipping my french fries into my chocolate shake. They were all like WTF – but I told them to try it. Pretty soon everyone was dipping fries into various types of shakes and sharing their recommendations. The poor assistant manager couldn’t figure out why everyone was ordering shakes and fries all of a sudden.

    28. Clisby*

      I don’t think it’s strange, but some people do: both my sister and I like rice sprinkled with vinegar (pepper vinegar if we have it). I much prefer it to rice and gravy, although I won’t turn down rice and gravy.

    29. AGD*

      Candy corn. The weird thing I do with it is love it.

      And I eat a lot of food really plain. I can handle lots of flavors at once, but find that a small number is often enough to satisfy me. If I have porridge with brown sugar, that’s enough because I want to taste the oats and the brown sugar. Sometimes I put together the ingredients for a sandwich, but then eat the filling separately and enjoy the bread on its own at the end.

    30. goddessoftransitory*

      I like meat well done too! Not to shoe leather, but cooked. I’ve never liked rare meats.

      Let’s see: I don’t think I have many odd food habits per se, but I am fairly picky about things like, say, temperature for stuff like pasta. I despise things like pasta salad; for me, pasta is supposed to be HOT. Same for soups; I’m well aware that some soups are designed to be served cold, like borscht, but they are not for me.

      And I loathe all seafood, period. No, I am not going to change my mind. No, this or that specific dish is not going to be my Come To Pescatarian Moment. I have no objection to other people enjoying all the fruits de la Mer they want: eat your body weight in shrimp, cram entire flounders into your face, I’m Team You! But my plate shall remain free of all our finny friends, forever.

      1. Clisby*

        Ah, those people who think they can convert you!

        No, fellow Southerners, there is no possible grits dish you can come up with that will magically make me see the light on grits being good for anything but the trash.

        And while you’re at it, no, my husband is not just waiting for the magical liver dish that will convert him. Just save your breath and hand me all the liver.

    31. Girasol*

      Mom used to send me to school with cream cheese and jam sandwiches. I suppose that they have no nutritive value but they taste so good. Oddly, I have never tried the traditional combination of apple pie with cheese, even though her old cookbook insists that “Apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze.”

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember reading about apple pie with Cheddar in Farmer Boy and thinking how odd it sounded.

    32. Jake*

      I break a few graham crackers into large pieces and drop them into a mug of milk. A minute or two later, I spoon up one of the pieces and a little milk, and yum!

    33. ww*

      If I’m getting breakfast at Ihop, or anywhere else that has strawberry syrup on tap, my go-to is scrambled eggs coated in said strawberry syrup. The sweetness with the egg…chef’s kiss I say.

      Also I’m on the opposite end of the extreme wrt steak, or really any meat or fish. I ask for blue rare and would happily eat it raw. (I’m told in Japan you can find chicken sushi with raw poultry? One day I’ll try it.)

    34. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      I prefer molasses on pancakes! I also eat pizza with Cholula or buffalo wing sauce.

    36. carcinization*

      I’m sure I have a bunch of these but what comes to mind immediately is when I make banana pancakes at home, I want the ones that aren’t fully done in the middle! This is fine with my husband as he definitely doesn’t want oozing batter in the middle of his!

    37. Ellis Bell*

      This is a bit UK specific, but you’re supposed to have a preference of either red (ketchup) or brown sauce on breakfast sandwiches, and I use a mixture of both. This is seen as deeply strange.

    38. Camelid coordinator*

      Using a fork I eat the toppings first, then the cheese and then the delicious doughy crust when I have pizza.

    40. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I deconstruct kit-kats. First break off a stick, then nibble the chocolate off all the sides until you can separate the wafers into individual layers and eat them one by one. It’s the only way I will eat them.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        I do this with Peanut MnMs – I nibble the chocolate off, then do the peanut separately.

  16. CTT*

    Favorite podcast app? I have been an Overcast user for years, but last month’s update has been horrible. They’ve taken away so many good features or made them less accessible, and the iPad app is almost unusable now. So unfortunately I’m in the market for a replacement.

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      UGH. Same. They ruined a perfectly good thing. Would it have killed them to ask people what they want, or what they LIKE about how it was?

      1. CTT*

        Right??? That the creator apparently didn’t understand what made it such a functional system is more concerning to me than the removal of said functionality.

      2. Magdalena*

        Would you mind sharing what the update / downside was? I’m currently looking for a new podcast app and trying to understand what features are most important and which features to look out for to avoid.

    3. RedinSC*

      I just listen through my Audible account. Works well for me, but I’m not the biggest podcast listener.

    4. Kiv*

      I swear by Podcast Addict. Isn’t the most intuitive interface, but it’s extremely customizable.

      1. Missa Brevis*

        Agreed. A bit of a learning curve, but once you’ve got it set up like you want, it’s fantastic. I’ve been using PA for years, zero complaints. (And the system for linking to restricted feeds, like for patreon bonus episode tiers, is super simple)

      2. office hobbit*

        Fifthing! I’ve used Podcast Addict for ten years now. It’s incredibly customizable, sometimes I just look through the settings to see what else I can tweak.

      3. Dr. Gurathin*

        I have been using AntennaPod for about 5 years. I like that it’s open source and low overhead. I started out using Stitcher and it just got more and more unwieldy every time a new version came out. The day it crashed 3 times was the day I switched to AntennaPod.

    6. casts*

      I just switched to pocket casts after the crowdstrike outage became my last straw with the one I’ve been using for years (it unsubscribed me from a bunch that don’t update frequently). I like it! Some things aren’t super intuitive but it works pretty well.

      1. Clara Bowe*

        I have been using PocketCast on an IOS device for the last couple years and like it a lot. The only weird quirk is you have to be subscribed to the podcast for the downloaded episode to show up in your “Downloaded” FILTER list. It will show up in the “Downloaded” settings list, but not the filtered list.

        I didn’t sign up for a profile/account and just use the free version, and it is an easy set and forget program.

        I’ll also do a +1 to Antenna Pod for Android too. Great, easy little app.

      2. Observer*

        I like Pocket Cast, and I also use the free version. So far I have not seen anything the paid version would give me that I care about.

        How did the crowdsrtike mess affect the player you were using? Which one was it?

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Oh, it’s not just me! It’s been driving me nuts. I’ve gone back to the Apple podcast app and been reminded why I switched to Overcast in the first place.

      1. CTT*

        It’s a LOT of changes. The one that bothers me least is the layout change because that can be pared down pretty easily. But my big issues are (1) you can only download podcasts anymore, not stream. I tended to download anyway, but I liked that if I clicked on an episode, it would start playing on streaming while downloading, so it was seamless. (2) Related to that, a lot of buttons have been moved so it’s more clicking. At first I thought “if it’s download-only, at least I can just swipe to download an episode.” But not anymore, that feature was removed entirely so instead of one swipe, it’s three clicks. Same with sleep timer (which now caps at 60 minutes) and a lot of other settings. (3) they did not do enough testing on the iPad app, it is buggy as hell. For example, if you click on the episode description for one episode, it brings up that same description for any other episode you click on, even on other podcasts.

        It just seems like zero beta testing was done and it’s super-frustrating!

    9. Switchbacks*

      I’d definitely recommend sending feedback on the update if you have time! See contact info here: https://overcast.fm/contact

      I follow Overcast’s creator’s, Marco Arment’s, podcast ‘Accidental Tech Podcast’, and he’s definitely been talking about the recent update, people’s reaction, and that he’s going to reconsider some parts of the update. Overcast is run by only one person which means any changes/reversions might take a bit, but also that I think that he’ll be more receptive to feedback, mainly because he kind of has to.

      I’m also not happy with the update myself and have sent in feedback, so we’ll see if anything changes (back). I’m sticking with Overcast for the moment, but may switch if I start to get more annoyed with it

      1. Blue wall*

        I really don’t like how to defaults to following whenever I download an episode of a new show. And, as others said, it’s actually really hard to figure out where to find the download button, among others!

    10. Quinalla*

      I use Spotify and it works pretty well and I use apple podcast in the past, I think Spotify is better, but I still find the way things work sometimes annoying for how I want to listen to podcasts (from beginning to end unless I intentionally am selecting a different one, I find most apps want to default to the latest podcast released). I started listening to podcasts before there were apps, so most of the time apps are an improvement over downloading it to my ipod or searching for and listening through a web browser which I still do sometimes if folks send a weird link and I can’t quickly find it on apple or Spotify :)

  17. Strawberry Fields*

    Any tips on being assertive towards people who are controlling and critical? I feel like I need to stand up for myself more yet don’t want to make the situation worse. Leaving/getting away from them isn’t always an option. Any tips or words of advice are appreciated.

    1. Sundae fun day*

      As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve worked on this a lot.
      Tips:
      1) In my case the person being critical/controlling is working from a place of fear/anxiety. This realization helped lessen the impact on me: they were not coming from a place of authority over me or from being “right” (although they might think so). I felt less shame then, which gave me more strength to
      2) Draw boundaries *with myself.* I tell myself, I’m not being treated right. Don’t let it go because “it’s easier.”
      3) I say out loud, “Stop.” “I need you to stop.” “Change of subject. Now.”
      4) Then grey rock. I simply ignore what they are saying and refuse to engage.

      Hard truths:
      1) “Don’t want to make the situation worse”= worse for whom? I’m going to assume you are not in physical danger- that’s a whole ‘nother level here and you should talk to domestic abuse experts then. Swallowing/accepting the criticism is very detrimental to you. Doing nothing is worse for you. Like I said, I went along to get along for a long time, and it really damaged my relationship and mental health.

      For the person doing the criticism and controlling, those behaviors are probably a coping mechanism and if you push back, you’re taking away their (unhealthy) method of self soothing. They will not react well. They will push back: “Why don’t you want to improve?” “You think you’re perfect?” “If you’d only….” “I’m trying to help.” They probably even believe that. But what they want is to keep the dynamic, which makes them feel good. They are going to try and push you back into it.
      Dig deep, and just keep repeating, “Stop.” “You need to back off.” “Let me know when you’re ready to talk about something else. How about those Olympics?”
      2) Get comfortable with discomfort. The other person will probably give off bad vibes. Oh well.
      What can you do to mentally escape? Read a book, watch tv, something that will allow you to take a break from Bad Vibe City.
      3) The only person you can change is yourself. You cannot stop another person from being critical and controlling. All you can do is control how you react to it.

      4) Oh, and therapy is a good idea. My therapist asking me, “So what if you just said No,” and then helping me walk through the resulting scenarios was very helpful.

      Good luck!

      1. Despachito*

        For me, I have always had the biggest problem with this if the criticizing person managed to persuade me there may be a grain of truth in what they were saying.

        There were decisions that I was sure were correct, and in such a case I had no problem to shut the criticism down. I was just certain the person wasn’t right and the criticism did not affect me.

        But if I admitted that they are maybe right, it made me feel awful, and to date I do not know how to shut THIS down. I mean… what if they ARE right and are just making me aware of something I had not thought before? (I suspect I may be on the spectrum, and this kind of thing used to happen when I was younger, and I genuinely wasn’t sure that I was not breaking some social rule I had been completely oblivious about).

        So if someone has a solution to this subsection of this problem I would be grateful to hear it.

        1. Higher Ed Cube Farmer*

          Despachito,
          My take on this is to remind myself: So what if they are right and I am wrong? I am allowed to be wrong, or not have thought of everything. It is not necessarily bad to be wrong, or uninformed, as long as it doesn’t cause harm. I am going to be wrong sometimes no matter how hard I try, so it will be useful to me to practice dealing with being wrong (learn to manage my emotions, my outward response, and any practical effect productively) in some low-stakes situations before I end up being wrong in a high-stakes situation where being unskilled at at handling being wrong could make it much worse, or before or avoid too many things because I’m too worried about being wrong in them.

          And we can’t always tell when we are objectively wrong or right anyway — so many issues are matters of opinion or perspective, affect different people differently, or work differently in different circumstances. Because of this, it’s important not to get too hung up on absolute right or wrongness, and take all new information into consideration in context. I will generally listen *once* to even advice/information I am pretty sure is incorrect (as long as one listen isn’t harmful; I might counter it or not depending on circumstances). Hearing and considering new information/advice doesn’t require *taking* it. But it can make me more confident in shutting down *repeat* advice, criticism, or demands, etc.

    3. African Queen*

      Have you ever heard of Non Violent Communication? There’s a book about it which I haven’t yet read. My boss introduced me to it and I find it really helpful, I hate confrontation.

    4. Hyaline*

      Are they people/situations you need to be assertive with, or can you smile-nod-ignore? Like your nosy aunt at the family bbq telling you that you should move out of the city because it isn’t safe and also stop buying avocado toast or whatever…no impact on your life, won’t see her again soon, smile-nod-ignore. Find someone who will appreciate stories above kooky aunt Deb and laugh later—it takes the sting out when you know she’s only contributing to jokes later. But your roommates who aren’t respecting house rules or coworkers bulldozing you is different! I found picking my battles helped assertiveness feel less daunting.

    5. So Long and Thanks for All the Fish*

      The No Asshole Rule and the companion books by Robert Sutton have some good ideas.

    6. AnonymousOctopus*

      Blandly/nonconfrontationally saying “I’m okay with that outcome.” My father is critical and controlling and when he’s giving unsolicited advice I let him finish and say “Oh, I’m comfortable with my choice/decision.” And when he inevitably gets wound up about the peril I’m risking by not listening to him, saying “I hear what you’re saying, and I’m okay with that outcome” or “I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it, but until then I’m going to continue [XYZ].” Followed by a hard subject change. But the key is not to argue the merits of their argument or get caught up defending why you are right, simply affirm that you heard them but will continue with the choice you made.

      Also seconding the Nonviolent Communication book! There are free PDFs online if you want to preview it before purchase. It helped me a lot with reframing what is going through people’s heads.

      1. Going through a divorce now oy*

        This is good. Or even blander:
        I acknowledge what you said.
        I’ll think about it.
        I understand you feel that way.
        Ok, I need to end this conversation now.
        Ok, that’s a lot to think about.
        I’m going to take a break now.
        I probably don’t want to discuss this with you further.
        Thank you for telling me.
        It seems we feel differently.
        Intelligent (or reasonable, or mature, or partnered…) people can disagree.
        It’s ok if we disagree about this.

        Stick to “I” statements.

        Good luck

    7. chocolate muffins*

      For controlling, I sometimes just say stuff like, “Thanks, I’m going to keep doing it this way.” Or just, “Thank you for sharing your opinion” + keep doing exactly what I was doing before.

      For critical, it can be helpful to agree with them. “You’re so messy” –> “Yup! I am indeed a slob!”
      “That was a stupid decision” –> “Probably! We’ll have to see how it turns out.” Or “Yep, you’re probably right.”
      The trick is to say your response cheerfully and not engage further (so, you can add a quick topic change after my suggested responses above). Also to not let the criticism penetrate you. Like, don’t actually agree internally that you make stupid decisions or whatever, just say out loud that you agree without letting the criticism touch how you see yourself. That can be tricky; sometimes it can help to add “according to you” mentally to whatever they say (e.g., “You’re so messy” –> you mentally add “according to you” or “in your opinion” or something similar). I also find it helpful to create mental distance but don’t know how to explain a strategy exactly. To me it just feels like mentally taking a step back, like I would take a big step back with my body if I felt like someone could physically hurt me, but I don’t know how to explain exactly what I mean when I talk about taking a step back mentally or what I’m doing when I do that.

      Last thing: it can be hard to make changes, and when I’ve tried to change how I interact with people in the past I give myself credit for trying regardless of how it went. When you start responding differently it might feel scary or otherwise not good. You might stutter or falter or things might not come out the way you intend or the outcome might not be what you want. That’s okay. You’re experimenting to see what works for you and every experience gets you closer to what you ultimately want even if the experience itself didn’t seem to go particularly well.

      Good luck!

    8. Ellis Bell*

      I love Captain Awkward for stuff like this, but want to point out that “controlling and critical” can mean anything from an abusive relationship to unsolicited advice, so I’m going to assume you’re safe enough and concentrate on the latter. Favourite scripts are not exactly standing up to it, but more along the lines of don’t feed the trolls, especially if you get the impression that they really want your attention/deference. I just go with “Huh”, “You don’t say”, “Really” and the like, and repeat it endlessly as a response to anything the person says. If more needs to be said, something like “Why don’t you tell me why it works for you” because I’m okay with indulging it as a great option for them, just not for me. If it starts getting pushed over to me, as something I must do again: “Oh I’m not looking for advice thanks”, “I’m perfectly happy with my plan thanks”. I will only allow one or two redirects before calling it out or leaving: “You’re very weirdly invested in this; it’s my decision”. As for criticism, I would be more zero tolerant if it was personal criticism, like I think it’s more acceptable for someone to say “I wouldn’t have done that” than to say “You are x”. The former I would use the above scripts for, but I would nope out of the latter completely. I don’t know why you can’t leave these situations, but if you’re being insulted, I think you should be able to at least say “That was insulting and we’re done here” or “I can’t engage with name calling and personal insults”, “I can’t respond to insults respectfully so I won’t respond at all”.

    9. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Less is more. I never defend my decisions. I have learned long ago that there is no satisfactory answer to why or why not, only more ammunition.

      1. Quinalla*

        Yup, with reasonable people, you can have a conversation and agree to disagree after sharing reasons. With folks that just want to control and/or criticize, bland responses that don’t even hint at your reasons are best to shut it down. I used to run into this a lot with my parenting (I’m a working mom so yeah, whole can or worms there and just being a mom/parent in general) so I usually did:
        “Thanks for sharing, this is what works for my family/me.” or “Glad that is working for you! This works best for me/us.”

        But yeah, don’t try to argue their points, acknowledge that you heard them and that you are going to keep doing what you are doing. And you aren’t really responding so much for them except to close the conversation loop politely, you respond for you. If you need to talk about why you are doing it with a partner/friend/etc. later, then do that for your sake, don’t give assholes any ammunition to use against you!

  18. Credit card confusion*

    I have a question about how your creditworthiness is determined when you apply for a credit card. I’m a few month in to building my own credit history after my husband died, as he was the owner of our cards and I was just an authorized user. Those accounts were closed as soon as I notified the credit card companies of his death and I’m starting over with my own credit.

    I’m baffled by my combination of very good scores from the 3 credit bureaus and the very low limit on the card that I now have in my own name. My scores are in the same range as before, yet my creditworthiness is very low in the eyes of the credit-card companies.

    Can anyone explain the relationship between your credit history, your current credit ratings, your status as an authorized user vs a card owner, and the amount of credit you’re considered eligible for? I’m totally confused about how these different “credit” elements interact.

    1. sswj*

      Length of sole-user credit history is a big part of it, unfortunately. When I started working on my own credit (vs a joint card or being an authorized user) it definitely took some time.

      I’d give it several more months, even up to a year, and you may find that they increase your limit without you asking. If they don’t, and you of course have an impeccable payment history, you can ask for an increase.

    2. Pearl Puffin*

      I have a pretty high score that is all from my own card/loans etc. Two years ago I applied for and got a new credit card. They only gave me $1200.00 limit. I’ve never had a credit card company give me a big limit from the start. You might just have to give it time and ask for credit increases annually.

    4. Generic Name*

      Your income also plays a role in how high the limit is. I have a credit history going back nearly 25 years, and I make over six figures, so the credit limit on my cards is around $20k each. I also have excellent credit.

    5. Alex*

      Have you asked for a limit raise? Sometimes they will just do it without asking, but you can also ask and sometimes that works.

      Your income definitely plays in to the limit that they give you. Confirm with the credit card company that they have your income correctly, as if they don’t, that could be a big reason your limit is low.

      Other than that, the length of time you had a credit card plays into it, so unfortunately you can’t change that other than waiting it out.

      1. Credit card confusion*

        Thank you, sswj. I’m certain that he had no idea (any more than I did) that having the credit cards in his name would pose a problem for me if he died first. If we had known, I would have applied for my own card years ago, and not been left with this totally unexpected minimal access to credit.

    7. MJ*

      Banks are weird. I moved from the UK to Canada several years ago. I had a perfect credit score in the UK (999/999), but Canada wouldn’t take that into account and would only give me a $500 limit – despite the fact that I’d kept my investment & RRSP accounts with them the entire time I’d been out of the country. I managed to browbeat the manager into giving me $1000. Since then I routinely get large automatic increases – and at around the 2-year mark was pre-approved for a ridiculous line of credit. (Which I accepted but don’t use. So it’s there if I need it in future.)

      One way to get the limits increased is to make sure you pay off the balance by the due date every month.

      1. Credit card confusion*

        I have my checking account set to autopay the entire cc balance 10 days before it’s due, and I check every month that it really did, so my payment record is good but it’s brief. I hope it won’t take a whole year for the cc company to raise my current limit, not that I plan on needing a huge amount of credit, but for peace of mind when I charge anything.

    8. Bitte Meddler*

      When my ex and I split and I got my own credit card (Dec 2019), one with huge introductory airline miles, and I think they only gave me $4000 (can’t remember).

      But I paid off charges as they happened (I’m kind of weird in that I need to see my bank balance decrease in real time or else I risk running up a credit card balance while simultaneously thinking I have that same money in my bank account available for other things) and, after a single year, I asked for an increase and they went up to $10,000.

      At 1.5 years, I opened a 2nd card to get introductory offer hotel points. They gave me a $15,000 limit.

      In the middle of Year 2 (2022), the 1st card came up to $14,000.

      At the end of last year (2023), I opened a 3rd card because now I want cash rewards. Straight up, they gave me a $25,000 limit.

      I went back to Card 1 and asked for an increase and they, too, gave me $25,000.

      So, in total across all three cards, I have $64,000 in revolving credit. And I never carry a balance. Showing that I am “responsible” with that much open credit encourages the banks to give me even higher limits. One of the factors they consider is history of on-time payments.

      Another factor is debt-to-income ratio, and I’ve had some good salary increases since splitting with my ex (in May 2019 I took a job that paid $65,000; last October I took a job that pays $125,000). So my history is a steadily rising income without increasing the use of any debt.

      Just give it some time. You’ll build up enough of a history profile that their algorithms won’t ding you.

    9. GythaOgden*

      They start you off slow and steady so you don’t over-extend yourself. It’s prudence on their part and a safeguard on yours because — probably statistically — new cardholders are more likely to go a bit nuts and not pay it back if they get too much of a limit.

    10. Venus*

      One thing I learned is to charge something monthly. I barely used my card at first and that didn’t help my credit. Someone at the bank told me to buy something, anything, monthly and pay it off after the statement but before the deadline. At first I also paid it off as soon as I bought something, but I learned to wait for the statement first.

  19. Professor Plum*

    What’s your favorite web browser these days? I had to replace a computer this week—turns out my old one really didn’t like a spilled glass of water. So in the process of getting things set up on the new one and I’ve been looking at browsers. Wondering what folks here are using and liking.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      Firefox with a number of plugins (unfortunately not all of them are available for my android phone, but I’ve got them on my laptop)

    7. Roland*

      Firefox is pretty much the only browser that isn’t Chromium based (except for safari but not relevant if you’re not on mac). So if you like the idea of a web that’s not controlled by Google, Firefox is the clear choice.

      1. Observer*

        There are others. The problem is that Firefox is the only one that seems to be well supported.

        I use PaleMoon as my default browser at home, because it has the ability to wrap tabs, but there are a number of things that I can’t do on it. And every so often it just starts to misbehave.

        FF and Chrome both work well, but Edge is another whole kettle of fish. Do NOT like!

        By the way, why do you have an issue with chromium based browsers?

    9. Vio*

      I like Pale Moon as it’s based on what Firefox used to be and is compatible with most of the extensions for the old Firefox versions. Obviously I could just use the old Firefox but there’s a lot less security vulnerabilities in using Pale Moon (which is regularly updated). Occasionally run into issues with sites that don’t like the browser, in which case I try it in Chrome.

        1. Observer*

          For me, even though I use it fairly often, some of the updates they made reduced functionality for me. But also the way they went about it was really problematic. Totally ignoring significant community feedback. Which is always a problem with a product, but *especially* when you claim to be “community” based etc. There was a streak of arrogance and “We know what is good for you, better than you do” going on there.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I use Safari. It just works without my having to think about it. I also have pretty strong ad blockers on (courtesy of my child).

      I need to use Chrome for some work things and it always gets my shoulders up around my ears.

    11. Generic Name*

      Interesting about the Firefox love. I used to use it but stopped for some reason. I think I was t happy with some update like 10 years ago or something. What is the benefit of Firefox over chrome?

      1. Lurker*

        I use Firefox because Chrome is owned by Google and I want to try to keep separation of tracking if possible. (Even though I have a gmail address for my personal email.) I hate how Chrome is always trying to “remember” passwords, etc. I use Firefox browser and DuckDuckGo as main search engine to try to avoid Google. (And if I’m logged into my gmail, I normally try not to have any other tabs open.)

        1. Scientist*

          Wait – I’ve always thought of the password remembering as a perk. I love how everything links and I don’t have to type a bunch of things in. Sure, it means they have my data, but why does it matter if Google knows I email about camping and whatever?

          1. Lurker*

            I guess it depends on how comfortable you are with companies mining your data, your privacy, etc. Personally I don’t like any of that stuff and am very protective of my online privacy.

          2. illuminate*

            Password remembering is a nice thing, but a browser itself is a notoriously insecure place to do it. I use a Firefox extension with the same function, Bitwarden. Most are fine, just not Lastpass which had a big breach and dragged their feet on disclosing the problem.

            1. illuminate*

              (The most secure option is a password vault not connected to the internet, like KeePass, but for convenience factor a reputable extension will do.)

              1. Observer*

                The nice thing with some of the other products, like LastPass, is that you can set them up to stay on your computer only.

                The key question here is whether having your passwords synced is of value to you. If yes, then really the only way is an internet connected vault. Otherwise, yes, do keep your password vault on your computer. But if you do that, you need to make sure that your vault is still properly protected, as well as your computer.

            2. Observer*

              Yes, Bitwarden works with most of the *major* browsers. But not with Pale Moon, which is one of the reasons I can’t use it as much I might otherwise.

              I agree that you are much better off using a password manager that the browser. And also, stay away from LastPass. It’s not just that they had a breach, it’s how it happened and how they responded. They are going to have a LOT of work to restore the trust that they once had.

        2. Observer*

          I hate how Chrome is always trying to “remember” passwords, etc.

          It’s a matter of how you set it up. Firefox will do the same thing if you let it.

          I do allow both of them to remember some very low security passwords, but anything important goes into BitWarden.

      2. Missa Brevis*

        Firefox has much more robust privacy and ad-blocking options. I also really like the Mozilla vpn – similar cost to most of the other basic consumer vpns, but with the added convenience of being built into my browser!

        1. Observer*

          Firefox has much more robust privacy and ad-blocking options.

          Interesting. I have not seen that. I’ve been using ad blockers for years on all of my browsers, and I haven’t seen any real differences. I don’t think I would continue to use any browser that didn’t let me do that.

    12. Sally*

      Adding on to the Firefox love here!! Firefox is great. I also have Opera in case there’s something I need a chromium based browser for but Firefox is my daily driver.

  20. Weekend Warrior*

    Another cat question! How do we train/trick our new cat into letting us trim her nails with no fuss? Not looking for suggestions re masks, burritos, etc., although we may have to resort to these as we did with our last cat. My brother-in-law has succeeded in clicker/treat training two cats in a row to run to him for nail trims! (His first cat was a fighting fail on this front.) Any one else been able to do this? Or at least have a resigned cat?

    Our “Alice” was found with a litter of kittens on a farm. She’s not feral but has clearly needed strong survival instincts. She comes to us for pets only on her own terms, walks across but won’t sit on our laps, and fights like a demon if we try to pick her up, let alone crate her. We have a Temptations treat program going to let us touch her more but nail trims (or vet visits) seem like a pipe dream. She’s a fun, food-driven talker and we really want to crack this.

    1. Usurper Cranberries*

      “Cooperative care” is going to be your key term to search for. I know there’s stuff out there for dogs and zoo animals, and I can’t imagine you wouldn’t be able to adapt the techniques to a cat.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        Interesting, thanks! I see this is also called “consent care” and cat techniques are available.

        1. BikeWalkBarb*

          I’m glad you asked this question. I need to work on this with our cat. A site called Patience for Cats has a good step by step process for acclimating them to their legs, feet, paw pads being touched, the sound of the nail trimmer, and finally cutting only one claw a day. I’m going to try this. Ours will occasionally put up with me doing a couple of claws if he’s feeling pretty sleepy and I back off as soon as he’s resistant but I haven’t really worked on this with treats. I’ve had pretty good luck redirecting him from furniture to scratching posts by giving him treats when he uses those so I think he’s motivated enough by food (salmon-flavored dental crunchy chews).

    2. TPS reporter*

      my cat gets gabapentin before a vet visit or a nail trim. it’s just enough to relax her but not actually sedate. she’s a sweetheart but turns into a demon when we try to pick her up.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        Gabapentin turned our previous cat into a “mean drunk”. :) She got wobbly but was still able to wriggle and fight. She had tortitude to burn. Happy to hear it works for your cat!

    3. Flower necklace*

      I trained my cat using treats. I can’t remember the brand, but it was a long, thin treat. I opened it up and gave him a little bit at a time to distract him while I handled his paws. He was young (around 6 months old) and wasn’t particularly happy about the nail clipping, but once he got used to it he was fine. He’s not allowed treats anymore but he still lets me do it without any fuss.

    4. peter b*

      My ex-street cat wasn’t so ornery but it took us a long time to get to OK trimming, and I still have to sometimes settle for doing just one paw at a time. When I was petting him or he was snoozing, I would pet the tops of his paws and then touch his toe beans, eventually extending the claw, etc. Basically tried to make interacting with the feet and claws normal without getting the clippers out before trying. I think initially I’d give treats for bearing the bean-massaging but he’s not the most food motivated.

    5. Texan In Exile*

      I don’t know if this will help, but we finally – after years :( – figured out that our cat just didn’t want to be squeezed and restrained for her claws to be cut. If we let her sit calmly by herself and just hold her paw to trim the nails, she was fine.

    6. Pocket Mouse*

      My cat has a very different temperament, but what I do is have her on her back, head toward me, in my lap with my legs crossed and up so that her butt’s a little higher than her shoulders. My theory is that this position kind of nudges her into a submissive mindset, and it allows my limbs to help contain and evade her sharp bits.

    7. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I trained my cat using treats, as some others have mentioned. He was 3 when I adopted him and I’m not sure what his previous nail trim history was, but he definitely didn’t love it at first! I never restrained him, just when he was sitting on my lap, I started by touching his paws, then squeezing his paws, and always giving him a treat after. Took it very slow. Once we progressed to actually trimming, I would trim just one nail and then give him a treat. Again, no rush, if one nail was all I did that was great. Eventually we progressed to where he’d let me trim all ten front nails for ten treats. About ten years on and he no longer gets treats, but he still starts drooling when I start clipping his nails. Also, similar to when I started, this is never a production; I just keep the nail clippers by the sofa so I can trim a few nails while we watch tv, whenever I notice them getting sharp.

    8. MissCoco*

      I am not a cat owner but we had a stray kitten for a couple weeks while we found her a home and I just did one nail at a time. We spent a lot of time touching and gently holding her little paws but letting her take them away from us when she wanted, and once in awhile I would extend a claw and snip it and let her go about her business. She didn’t enjoy it, but never got stressed by it because it was so brief, and most times we touched her paws they did not get held. Took me about 5 days to get all of them

      I also highly recommend constructive aggression training (CAT) for fearful animals you want to get more comfy with you. I use it with all my pet rodents and have found it’s the fastest way to get them confident around me.

    9. Delight Schrute*

      Cooperative care will work! It’s common in dogs but you can train cats as easily with it. Look up Deb jones stuff (she’s the queen of CC)

    10. All Monkeys are French*

      I use Churu squeezed on a licki mat. It’s an excellent distraction for my highly suspicious cat who doesn’t like her feet touched. I used the same strategy to apply flea meds and now she’s more wary, so if you go this route, use the power wisely.

    11. tired turtle*

      this may involve several people, but if your cat will eat butter: letting the cat lick butter off of a finger, while someone else (or 2 people) grab a paw and clip a nail.

  21. Jay*

    Hey, folks.
    I’ve got kind of an odd question for the readership:
    I’m a lifelong nail biter. From infancy until less than a year ago it was normal for me to bite my nails as far as physically possible, then start on the fingers themselves until they were a bloody mess.
    Yeah, fun times.
    Well, an anti-depressant and treatment for a vitamin deficiency have done wonders for that. I still have issues, but most of my nails are at least present the overwhelming majority of the time.
    My issue is this:
    I’m having trouble adjusting to having these hard, sharp things on the ends of my fingers. It’s reached the point where I’m starting to do some real damage with them. For instance, an absentminded scratch to a belly or armpit with the force I would usually use for the blunt nubs at the end of my fingers, now ends in a bloody gash in some sensitive skin.
    How do the rest of you deal with having actual claws? I trim and file them, like I would my toenails, but that just seems to make them sharper. I’m genuinely kind of worried I’m accidentally going to take an eye out or something.

    1. vombatus ursinus*

      Not a nail expert by any means, but my instinct would be to continue trimming and filing — maybe taking more care to file the nails into a rounded shape so that the edges aren’t as sharp, if you’re not already doing that?

      I say this because I have quite long natural nails and they can cause even more problems of a similar nature, such as:
      – even more accidentally scratching yourself badly
      – painfully bending or breaking when you’re doing something like trying to open a fridge or flush a toilet
      – preventing you from gripping certain objects securely

      Other than that, perhaps booking a manicure at a medi spa or something like that and asking for some advice?

      You ask how other people deal with having claws (:D), but I think most of us don’t think about them that much as we’re just used to it and have e.g. the force of a scratch calibrated to the nail. If you haven’t kind of naturally adjusted in almost a year (?), though … I was thinking maybe gloves so you don’t hurt yourself, but I don’t think that will help you graduate to just not having to think consciously about every scratch. Hopefully other commenters will have some more creative ideas for you. Good luck!

      1. vombatus ursinus*

        A new idea inspired by the other nail question below — could you try painting your nails in bright colours as more of a visual reminder that they are there?? It might help you pause before scratching automatically?

    2. Janne*

      I trim my nails really really short. It’s a habit leftover from when I played the violin, because then your nails are not allowed to ever touch the strings (it would cause a weird metallic sound). After a trim, the white part of the nail is less than a millimeter. Sometimes I leave the nails of the thumbs a little longer, because they are useful for picking off tape, opening tiny things, etc., and the scratch risk is lower. I just tested if I would be able to scratch myself with nails of this length, but it feels like “scratching” with those would lead to bruises earlier than gashes ;)

      1. Quinalla*

        Yes, I used to do this as well leftover from playing piano, I leave them a little longer now for convenience, but maybe this would help you OP? Cut them very short and then try longer lengths if you like as you try that out. Cut them once or twice a week depending how fast they grow.

    3. Lexi Vipond*

      Is it worth mentioning to a doctor? I’ve got very short nails, to be fair, but I can press hard and scratch without doing more than leaving a faint mark for a few seconds – I’m not sure how many people are tearing themselves with their own nails.

      Otherwise, would it help to keep your nails at a kind of pianist length, at or below your fingertips? Or to try gels, or something that would make the nails thicker.

      1. Squidhead*

        eh, I’ve never bitten my nails and keep them trimmed short (less than 2mm most of the time) and I’m very capable of breaking the skin. I scratch myself in my sleep (especially in the dry winter despite lotion) which doesn’t help because I don’t know I’m doing it.

        One thing that does help which OP may or may not have noticed is that sometimes there’s a sharp little hangnail at the edge of the nail, which can be super scratchy. I use cuticle scissors to clip these otherwise I pick at them constantly.

        1. vombatus ursinus*

          Hmm! That makes me think, could OP’s issue possibly be less about the length of their nails and more about their skin being dry or otherwise more vulnerable to nastier scratches?

          1. Jay*

            Unfortunately, it’s not that.
            I’m actually rather thick skinned in most places (lots of the kinds of skin roughening work over the years).
            It’s just that where I’m not, 47 of my 48 years worth of habits end with me damaging myself.

    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      I second the suggestion of getting a manicure. A few other things that might be helpful:
      – Try to scratch with your fingertips and not your nails. It may help to wear cotton gloves – at least in bed so you don’t absent-mindedly scratch yourself when you’re half awake.

      – Don’t use the same nail file on your hands that you use on your feet! Get some nail files specifically designed for fingernails. Use a rough file first, then finish with a finer file. This should make your fingernails nice and smooth.

      – Use hand cream and nail/cuticle oil to stop your new nails from flaking and make them a bit softer. It might be useful to put these on just before you go to bed. Putting on cotton gloves after you put on the hand cream and nail oil will make it absorb better.
      You may also just need some time to adjust to scratching yourself more gently than you did previously. Good luck!

      1. Missa Brevis*

        Seconding this advice – try to keep the edges of your nails nice and smooth and round so you don’t have sharp corners to dig into your skin. Cuticle oil really does help with this because it prevents splits and hangnails. Even if you don’t want to wear color nail polish, a clear coat can also help seal and soften the edges.

        You might also try redirecting yourself to scrub with your knuckles instead of your fingertips/nails?

    5. Alex*

      The same thing happened to me when I went on antidepressants! I literally had to learn how to cut my fingernails (which is harder than toenails because you have to use your nondominant hand on one!) because I had never done it before.

      Definitely trim them regularly–more often than you’d think!–and try to get a bit of a rounded edge. Other than that you will probably get used to it soon. I still have both of my eyes :)

    6. SofiaDeo*

      It’s an entirely new skill set to remember to do things with your hands using the flat pads of fingers near the end, instead of the fingertips. You can no longer grab & do things with curled fingertips.

      To try to learn this, remember to keep your fingers as straight as possible when doing things initially. Eventually you will learn just how to bend your fingers a tad while keeping the ends flatter. The idea at first is to not let your nails touch things as you go about your daily life. Eventually you can pick up, pull, carry, etc. with minimal nail involvement.

    7. Saturday*

      I would experiment with your filing technique. Try emery boards and place them on the underside of your nail before filing and rounding them. This should blunt them.

      1. RagingADHD*

        In a similar vein, I shape my nails in a rounded square, close to or just a bit shorter than my fingertip. After shaping, I go over them with downward strokes. It knocks down the edge if I accidentally got the edge too thin

    8. WS*

      I had the same problem when my nails got stronger and started to grow after being treated for extreme hypothyroid. So I kept a nail clipper and file in the bathroom and every morning trimmed anything that was getting a bit long. The clipper alone can leave sharp corners, the file alone can get them to a sharp edge. I never let them get to the end of my fingers. But after a few months I completely adjusted.

    9. Former Violin Player*

      Cut them short. Take off as much of the white part as you can without getting into the quick (the part closer to the color of your skin). If the nail doesn’t protrude beyond your fingertips, you can’t scratch yourself as easily.

      1. Magdalena*

        Seconding this.
        I need to have very short nails for the place we don’t mention in this thread (that includes having my hands press into a person’s skin on a daily basis). I noticed that trimming my nails to under 1 mm versus having them at 1-1.5 mm does make a difference – I don’t scratch people and I don’t scratch myself).

    10. Ellis Bell*

      Are you shaping them, or are you just cutting them straight across when you cut? I know there’s a lot of dominant advice out there to cut straight, so it must work for some people, but I would experiment with blunt curving to follow the shape of the fingertip; in my case, if I cut straight I end up with flat, sharp razors and pointed corners that need to be filed down. I have very strong, fast growing nails and it’s easy for me to scratch myself if I have sharp tips or edges. I prefer a curve even though you get a slight protrusion it serves as a blunt warning that your nails are there/ may be growing above the fingertip. I find it easier to file, too. You also need to make sure you’re filing for smoothness and not sharpness; i.e don’t put the file flat on the the very edge of the nail, but file the rear so the file surface being used is facing you and slightly behind your nail before you begin. Emery boards are better than metal files. I would also check out if something is going on with your skin if you’re scratching deeply in your sleep; the only time I’ve persisted to break the skin and draw blood is when I had psoriasis and the only cure was wrapping the affected ares in cling film until I treated the skin condition. Even having shorter than short nails didn’t help.

    11. Jay*

      I just wanted to thank everyone who replied to this thread!
      I’ve got lots of new plans on how not to injure myself until I get used to the new nails and have already put a couple of them into practice.
      Knock on wood, no gouges yet!

    12. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I find most nail filing boards still leave a sharper edge. After filing as smooth as possible with the fine grit emery board, I dull them a bit more. I used to use a buffer, but I have had almost better luck just rubbing them on a coarse fabric for a few seconds.

      As a former nail biter, the longer you do this the less scratchy and fragile your nails become

  22. Double A*

    Book recommendation request: I’m looking for a good slow burn romance. I tend to prefer fantasy/sci-fi but am open to anything. Open to any spice level and any gender pairing, but it should be a very slow burn.

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Old school slow burns (to the point that I was worried they were going to run out of book to happen in) are Persuasion by Jane Austen and North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        If you’re on Dreame, Eclipsed Hearts by Rory McCauley-Hayman. She’s one of the author’s who left to start Resurgence, but she had one book left on her Dreame contract, so she’s keeping it free as long as possible to keep them from profiting. It’s an urban fantasy, enemies to lovers.

        The Hollows series by Kim Harrison. It’s also urban fantasy and eventually becomes a slow-burn, enemies to lovers. The female lead does date other people before that happens.

      2. YrLocalLibrarian*

        The Walker Papers by C E Murphy and Patricia Briggs Mercy Thompson series are both multi-book slow burns.

        1. Missa Brevis*

          If you want a multi-book slow burn and don’t mind a period piece, the Peter Wimsey mysteries have a fantastic slow burn romance through line with one the most satisfying resolutions I’ve ever read.

          For sff slow burn… I’ll have to think about it. I’ll come back if anything pops into my head today.

    2. amoeba*

      Not sure it qualifies, but I really, really liked “Prophet” by Helen Macdonald and Sin Blanché! Reading the reviews, it was apparently fan fiction first (of a fandom I don’t know though) and some people complain, but maybe that’s exactly why I love it? The romance (m/m) in there was the best I’ve read in forever, anyway. And it’s definitely slow (feel like giving spoilers just recommending it here because I didn’t know about it going in and only realised, like, halfway through!)

    3. Roland*

      Nightrunner series by Lynn Flewelling. One of my all time faves. High fantasy. Romance is slow enough that it takes more than a book to resolve, but they are together longer than not in terms of the whole series.

    4. Hyaline*

      Anything by Tasha Suri. Foz Meadows’ A Strange and Stubborn Endurance (TW there is assault in the opening chapters, NOT by the love interest). Alix Harrow’s Starling House….maybe not *super* slow burn but two feral garbage humans slowly learning to trust each other.

    5. Annie H*

      Witness for the Dead by Katherine Addison and the sequel The Grief of Stones. Very slow burn. Wonderful characters,

    6. Tradd*

      Not sure if this meets your requirements, but The Arrows Trilogy by Mercedes Lackey (Arrows of the Queen, Arrow’s Flight, Arrow’s Fall). Takes 5 years for the couple to get together. This is the first trilogy of Lackey’s Valdemar series, which is one of my favorite fantasy series. Lots of books, the first published in 1987 and it’s still going. Many books at different times in this world.

    8. word nerd*

      The Memoirs of Lady Trent series after the first book, which is just an excellent fantasy series anyway. The romance is not the main focus, though.

    9. Rick Tq*

      Stephanie Osborne’s Division One series fits your requirements pretty well. It starts in the vein of Men In Black, the male MC stumbled on the Galactics as a teenager and the female MC is an astrophysicist out on observing session who got overrun during a pursuit and recruited. Very slow burn romance.

    12. GythaOgden*

      Karen Miller had a really good m/m romance in one of her fantasy books where you could tell they were partners long before they actually announced it on the page. I’m not a huge fan — she falls into the ‘man with tits’ characterisation for her female leads, and I have little enjoyment of designated heroes (i.e. protagonists who we’re made to sympathise with but are objectively horrible people) — but this one relationship was actually quite skillfully done.

      I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the book, though, which makes the rec pretty useless.

    13. Nitpicker*

      Lois McMaster Bujold’s Penric series. Penric’s Mission, Mira’s Last Dance, The Prisoner of Limnos. Ebooks only. The whole series is pretty great,

    14. Clara Bowe*

      YMMV on the content/storyline, but every Mariana Zapata book is a slow burn. I did have a good time w/The Wall of Winnipeg and Me, and was surprised at the nuanced storyline of Luna and the Lie, but had some diminishing returns w/other books.

    15. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      Don’t know if you’ll see this? Annette Marie does excellent urban fantasy. I can’t speak to her unrelated series, but her Guild Codex and the 2-3 intertwined series are great for slow burn. More hetero than I’d prefer, but (shrug). Still good writing and fun stories, set in the real world where shitty things sometimes happen.

      1. Synaptically Unique*

        Rereading this intertwined series right now. I start from scratch whenever a new book is released and I’m working my way towards the most recent Warped book. Love switching around between 4 different sets of characters, all of whom are involved in slow burn romances. Definitely review a reading order list. Much more enjoyable than working through them one series at a time.

  23. Agatha Raisin*

    How do you and your long-term partner manage your finances together? Merged accounts? Totally separate? A hybrid? What do you like about it? What would you change? What problems have cropped up that you didn’t foresee?

    I moved into my partner’s house about a year ago, and we are currently keeping our finances completely separate. He’s handling the mortgage while I save towards a down payment on a house we’ll buy together. When we do that, we will merge finances to some degree, and will merge further when we marry. However, we’re still working out what exactly that will look like, so curious what is and isn’t working for other people.

    Bonus points if you have very different incomes – what does fair look like in those scenarios?

    1. amoeba*

      Totally separate right now, but that’s also because we live in two different countries (only 2 h apart though, so we start together roughly half the week with home office etc). For everyday cost, we have the rule that everybody pays in “their” country – as mine is significantly more expensive and also salaries are higher. The rest is usually 50:50, so one person pays and then the other pays something else or transfers the money.

      When we lived together (for a short while), I just transferred half of the rent to him.

      If we ever manage to actually live and work in the same place, I’d say we’d go hybrid. We have pretty similar jobs, so salaries shouldn’t be wildly different though.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We’re almost entirely separate with a prenup that specifies that what’s mine is mine and what’s his is his, and nothing should be considered joint unless we expressly put both our names on it. We both had previous divorces under our belts and I in particular had been pretty burned by shared finances. We make about the same now but I made half again more when we first got together. We also originally had two other housemates when I bought my house that have since moved out.

      I bought my house before we were engaged, let alone married, and he pays me rent. It is not in his name, either the deed or the mortgage. We don’t split bills halfsies per se, but his rent is based on an overall split of our total household expenses. Our agreement is that each of us maintains a life insurance policy through work sufficient that the survivor would be able to pay off the mortgage. In that event, I would stay put. He thinks he would probably only stay as long as the dogs were still here, for the fenced yard, and then he would sell and move into a smaller apartment as he doesn’t want the responsibility of home maintenance. I also, with his knowledge, maintain an AD&D policy through my work worth up to an additional $250k on each of us, because it was like $6 a month total so why not. We are the listed beneficiaries on each other’s retirement accounts as well. We still need to sit down and do the whole will process, but the plan is that all my stuff goes to him and vice versa, and that I will let his friends pick some of his stuff and vice versa. We both have some expensive hobby equipment that we might allocate more specifically, but I don’t know anyone else who wants my spinning wheels or floor loom so he might have to sell them instead.

      We do have two joint accounts – one savings that we each put the same monthly sum in for either shared vacations or shared projects, and one checking that we only use to transfer money back and forth, it never has more than a buck in it otherwise. We also each are an authorized user on one of each other’s credit cards, but I keep his version of my card and vice versa – it’s in case one of us needed to pick something up for the other and “I’ll transfer you the funds when you get home” isn’t an option for some reason, if I needed him to pick up something expensive for me I can just give him a version of my card with his name on it and he’ll give it back when he gets home. Usually used for larger house projects – he goes out to buy the supplies, lumber etc. I’ve never even seen my version of his card.

      We don’t usually halfsies on other stuff either – whoever wants a thing pays for it, and it’s theirs. He wanted the giant tv in the living room, so it’s his but I benefit from it. I bought almost all the furniture. Whoever initiates the DoorDash order pays for it. House modifications, we both give input but unless it’s on his assigned space I get final call because it’s my house. The pets are all in my name at the vet clinic because I have always worked from home and I used to be the one who always took them, but the dogs are mine and the cats are his and their maintenance and expenses are separated accordingly.

    3. Kate*

      With my ex, we kept our finances largely separate. While I would do it again (separate finances, not the relationship), I had some hard lessons learned.

      Because I have ADHD and really struggle with paying regular bills, he would handle everything with a deadline — mortgage, phone bill, heating bill, etc. I set up an auto-transfer to send him a lump sum every month to cover my share of those fixed expenses and covered most of our non-regular costs, like groceries, or large one-off expenses like getting the roof fixed.

      It was an elegant solution at the time, but had some unintended consequences. When we eventually split, and were going through all the legal filings and financial accounting for the split, it looked like he was doing all the “responsible” spending towards a joint asset (the house) whereas day to day spending is just considered “discretionary”.

      I was also far and away the better saver. I squirrelled away money for my retirement at least, our daughter’s schooling, etc. It gave me reassurance that at least the two of us (my daughter and I) would be okay during a time that I saw him spending money like crazy and I couldn’t take one. more. argument. about saving for the future.

      Unfortunately, it also gave me a sense of false security. Turns out the legal system in my province doesn’t have quite the same attitude, and when we split, I still owed half of his debts AND owed him half of the savings I had squirrelled away.

      In the case you spelled out above, if you ever split, the way my province governs things, he gets the full value of whatever the house is worth on the day you get married (he brings it into the marriage as his asset), and the two of split any gains that the house “earns” after the day you get married and over the course of your marriage (including, if you put the money towards the house the day after you get married, your down payment).

      It will depend on your state/ province/ country’s laws, but 50/50 definitely didn’t mean what I thought it did. Oops. (Very expensive oops)

    4. Fastest Thumb in the West*

      My husband has a significantly higher income than I do. We have a joint savings account, but he is the only one who contributes. He uses that account to handle large purchases, tuition, etc. I have access to it in case of emergency, which has happened once in our 25 years together.

      For checking/debit, we started out with a single account, but it was too hard to keep track of who was spending what, when. Now we have two joint accounts, which we use separately. My salary goes into one and his into the other. He pays the mortgage, utilities, insurance, car payments, and his own clothes and incidental expenses with his account. I pay the groceries, my gas/oil changes, and clothes and incidental expenses for myself and the kids. They are joint accounts so money can be easily transferred from one to the other when needed and in case of death.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a novel in moderation, but in the meantime, let me just say – if you want to keep separate, plan it out with a prenup, and don’t get caught up in the idea that it’s planning for divorce. It’s like life insurance. You don’t expect to need it any time soon (unless you belong on trashy murder tv), and you certainly don’t ever WANT to need it, but having it can save your butt in a difficult situation. In a worst case scenario, it’s better to have already done the work while you’re still on the same team, rather than trying to hash it out when you’re no longer trying to take care of each other.

    6. fallingleavesofnovember*

      My husband and I (married 10 years) have all our accounts together aside from the ones that have to be individual (certain types of tax free savings accounts). We knew from the start we have very similar approaches to finances though (generally frugal, but not obsessively so, we are willing to pay more for good quality/more ethical products and value enjoying life a little), we started out in pretty similar financial states, although I’ve always earned slightly more. I can’t really imagine handling our finances otherwise even though I know there are lots of smart reasons for people to do so! But I think financial compatibility and trust around money were important relationship factors for me and also reflected other values that were important to me.

      The biggest issue that comes up for me is that I’d probably like to give a bit more to charitable causes (especially my church), but generally we sit down at the beginning of each year to assess and update our monthly charitable contributions together, and then I’ll sometimes send a bit extra throughout the year and tell my husband it’s mentally allocated to the extra pay I get for acting for my manager a couple weeks a year. It’s not enough to impact our financial situation and he’s fine with it, it’s just something I think about more than he does! (You could probably substitute ‘charitable donations’ with any other category of spending where one of you wants to spend a bit more than the other.)

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      We have always had merged accounts. Married young with little money and it was just assumed on both sides–I don’t think we gave it more thought than that, though I’m pretty sure both sets of parents had merged accounts so it was the model we had. I pay the monthly bills because I am good at organization; he pays the taxes because he is good at patience with long forms.

      The mental framing is “family income” and one’s discretionary spending has some level of “amount I can spend without thinking about it” and “amount I should talk to my spouse before committing to.”

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        This. The “family income” piece is especially important, IME, when there are kids and childcare expenses. Childcare is a cost to the family. It’s not an offset for one person’s salary. I know a lot of women who quit work when they didn’t want to because their salary was “all going for childcare.” That’s an extension of the idea that childcare is their responsibility. In many cases they gave up jobs with benefits that included retirement contributions and paid vacation and didn’t think about that as part of their total compensation. And of course you don’t get those years back when you return to the workforce (if you do).

    8. Morning Reader*

      This comment is adjacent to what you’re asking and not spot on. But, what has worked for me with a housemate situation is keeping The List. The List includes everything that is a mutual expense, with everything each of you has paid for. It gets tallied and resolved every month or so. For a 50/50 split, the partner who’s behind pays the partner who’s ahead. (e.g. I spent $100, you spent $50, together we spent $150, half is $75, so you give me $25 and we’re even.)
      This method can work for more people if the house includes more adults, or the ratios can be set differently. If one partner earns twice what the other does, you can split it 66/34 instead of 50/50.
      It also works for finite sharing like a road trip. The conversation is often “is this a List expense or just mine?” With my housemate, groceries but not alcohol went on the List, because we had different preferences on that. If we’d drunk mostly the same thing in similar amounts, it could have been Listworthy.
      The mortgage really complicates things. For that, you probably need financial/legal advice. Until you’re married or your name is on the deed (maybe both), just pay him rent, or nothing, and don’t figure the house into your shared expenses.

    9. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We have been married almost 40 years and we were both in grad school when we married. We set up a joint account then and have kept our finances merged ever since, although we each have one credit card that’s only in our name. I was advised to do that when we were married to protect myself (I’m a cis woman, he’s a cis man). I have always been the higher earner; for most of our marriage I’ve earned three times his salary. We had very different attitudes toward money when we first married. We’ve never really fought about money (largely because we’ve always had more than enough) but we have had some very difficult and tense conversations about it. I don’t think the mechanics of it matter as much as the communication. We all have assumptions and anxieties about money, and money (like sex) is often a stand-in for other things – power, safety, autonomy.

      We’re now retired and we have a financial planner who manages our money. It’s a joint account with him but we each “own” our own retirement savings from various IRA and 403b investments, so if we split or when one of us dies we’ll have money of our own. Yes, I know he’d get some of my retirement money if we divorced – I’d still have plenty.

      tl;dr: any arrangement can work as long as you really talk about, really listen to each other, and pay attention to resentments and anxieties before they cause bigger problems

    10. Chicago Anon*

      A joint account for household expenses (discuss to decide what counts as “household,” and how much you need for this every month) with monthly deposits proportional to income. Separate accounts for everything else. So you both put in (for example) 25% of your monthly income, and the other 75% is yours. For unexpected expenses, a “special assessment,” again proportional to income.

    11. Generic Name*

      My husband and I have mostly separate finances. We file taxes as married filing jointly, but we have separate bank accounts. He’s a contractor, so his income fluctuates. He sends me a portion of each paycheck via Venmo. Our incomes are vastly different. I make like five times what he makes. Even though we have separate accounts, we manage money/spending as a unit. Meaning he doesn’t pay me “rent” or anything. If he’s having a slow month, I’ll transfer money to him. When he has good months, he transfers a much larger amount than usual. I admit our situation is rather unconventional, but it works for us and we are both happy.

      However you divide/combine things, I encourage you to consider how much “fun money” each of you gets rather than just thinking about how much money each contributes. A friend of mine and her husband used to spilt everything 50:50, and what was left over was each’s personal spending money. Sounds fair, right? Except my friend made much less than her husband, so he would be buying electric guitars with his fun money and she had to turn down drinks with friends because she never had any spending money.

    12. Texan In Exile*

      We merged everything when we got married. He was working and I was not, although I had more assets than he did because he had put his two stepdaughters through college.

      And honestly, this was one of the hardest parts about marriage for me – trusting someone else to make the money and sharing what we had. But we have the same approaches to spending and saving, which helps enormously. I don’t think I could have married someone who views money differently from me.

      But my friends who just got married, each for the second time and each with grown children and grandchildren, met with a lawyer and financial partner before their wedding in March. They want to be very careful that their children are taken care of and are designing their finances accordingly.

    13. Pillow Castle*

      Long term partner – he makes about 3x what I do. We are mostly separate, with our own bank accounts. He’s an authorized user on one of my credit cards and both of our checking accounts are tied to it to pull payments from. He pays the mortgage and I pay all the utilities. Other bills tend to be covered by just one of us (he pays for the gardener, I pay for pest control, etc.). We cover super individual bills (like the loans on our cars, my music lessons, etc.) ourselves. For expenses like groceries or dining out, we roughly go back and forth on covering. Things like that are all on my credit card, so I choose who pays what – he doesn’t review any of it; it’s just based on trust. Due to the income difference, he covers bigger ticket things, but I contribute what I can.

    14. Hyaline*

      We’re 100% merged and always have been. Briefly, early on, we each maintained our own fun money account that we deposited into from the joint account. This was probably the only thing that caused problems, because we sometimes didn’t agree on what should have been a personal “fun money” purchase and what counted as a household expense. At this point we’ve abandoned that because we’re in synch about budget and how much flex money we have to play with–it doesn’t cause issues. Honestly I have zero complaints about doing it this way. I know it’s not everyone’s view, but I see our family as a unit, and our finances being merged is just one part of that.

      We’ve been all over the map in terms of who earned more and by how much. Early on, I was the high earner. Then I was the no-earner when I stayed home when kids were young. Now my field earns significantly less than my husband’s. I’m also a writer and occasionally sell something and earn a little extra–maybe someday I’ll hit the jackpot and write a bestseller that gets made into a movie and bring home more than him for a couple years, lol. Who knows? And I think my advice would hinge on that–whatever you choose to do, make sure it’s not so rigid that it doesn’t account for changes in earnings, career, and life circumstances, and that you’re willing to scrap the system and do something different as your lives change (and they will, because life does that). If you’re committed to separate finances, but one person takes time away from work to be a caregiver (even if you don’t intend to have kids–caregiving can happen with parents, elder family, siblings…) how will you adjust to that change? If you’re committed to equal contribution toward bills but one person’s career takes off in unexpected ways, it may cause friction when your paycheck is mostly going toward that equal contribution toward bills but your partner has more flexibility. And etc etc. So whatever you do, I’d suggest checking in frequently and keeping the concept of “fair” flexible–be willing to listen to what the other person says about their feelings about the arrangement, even if on paper it looks “fair.”

    15. I strive to Excel*

      A lot of people have offered great advice already so I’ll just add this; add a component to your planning of future unpredictability. You never know when one of you might end up being unemployed. Or gain a dependent. Or win the lottery. Or have to move states unexpectedly, etc, etc… You’ll never be able to plan for every possible contingency. So in addition to having a plan now, I’d recommend having regular (once every year or so is a good bet) sit downs where you look over how your plan is working and if you have any major variables coming up that might change it. You will also want to start out this setup by removing any guilt and shame from financial discussions, because not bringing up a topic out of embarrassment is a one-way trip to financial resentment.

      Best of luck to you both!

    16. vombatus ursinus*

      When we moved in together, we set up a joint bank account to use for household expenses (rent, bills, groceries) and shared activities (going out to dinner, buying show or movie tickets, etc). We each had our own card for the shared account, and we agreed on a set amount we would automatically transfer into the shared account from our own bank accounts every week. This just made things way easier and more practical than keeping track of who owes whom what for everything we did or bought as a couple. Otherwise, kept everything separate.

      Occasionally when making a purchase, one of us will verbally ask the other, ‘Shall we put this on the shared account?’, which gives the other the opportunity to say, ‘Let me shout you this time,’ or, ‘Weeeeell, this was really your idea and I think you’ll use/enjoy it a lot more, would you mind paying for it?’ But most of the time we share the same instinct for what is an appropriate shared account purchase and what isn’t :)

      For things like booking a trip, which would be outside the budget of the shared account, one of us would pay upfront and the other pay them back half straight away, or would pay for something else of roughly equivalent value (e.g. I pay for the flights, you pay for the accommodation).

      Later we realised it would be even smarter to have *two* joint bank accounts — one only for rent/bills/contents insurance, with no cards attached, and one for food and fun stuff. This ensured that the rent/bills account would never be short on money when the automatic transfer to the landlord was due because we’d had a week where we ate out more than usual or something (this only happened once, but it freaked us out enough to act!).

      We moved countries and went back to a single shared account for groceries and activities, while my partner pays the rent and bills and I pay him back half. This was supposed to be a short-term arrangement because I didn’t have long-term status in our new country when we first moved (I didn’t even have a local bank account for several months), and we were only planning to stay for two years max. But now we’re thinking about staying for longer and so looking into setting up some more accounts so we can go back to the system we had before.

      Something I didn’t foresee before we moved was that it actually turned out to be really important to have both our names on our lease/bills/insurance for immigration purposes, because we’re not married and that was the main documentation that our new country would accept to give me a family visa. So while you might more often hear warnings about getting too financially enmeshed, a certain degree of enmeshment might be helpful if there’s a chance you might want to move to another country! (Since you’re planning to get married, though, it probably won’t factor in as much.)

      When I didn’t have a job, he paid the rent and bills in full but we still split most other stuff, with him maybe taking on a bit more. I slightly regret that I didn’t ask for more financial support then, but I was already having a lot of feelings about not having my own job and being dependent on a man, so …

      We have pretty similar incomes now (I think mine is actually slightly higher), but he is quite a bit wealthier due to more years in the workforce and not having the career gap that I did when we moved for his job, and will probably also inherit property as an only child. So sometimes I feel there could be an argument for him paying a slightly bigger proportion of stuff … but I think for now it’s more or less fair. We don’t own a car or property, don’t have any kids and don’t plan to, proooobably won’t get married, and would research the financial implications extensively if that ever changed.

      We’ve had some open conversations about how we would handle situations where one of us owned a house that we both lived in, or if we wanted to buy one together … honestly can’t remember that we came to any firm conclusions, but the important thing for me was that the conversation was honest and constructive, so I’m hopeful we’ll be able to handle that situation well if it does ever come up. Good luck to you and your partner, OP!

    17. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

      we are combined. we’ve been married 8 years and have a two-year-old and an infant. When we married I was making half of what he made. now we are basically equal in pay. we discuss any large purchases which is basically over $100 for us ( this excludes grocery shopping and clothing that we each need)
      this is what our parents did and it works because we have fairly similar spending habits. I’m slightly more conservative on spending than he is but we are both fairly frugal.

    18. DrSalty*

      When we got married we got a joint checking account and joint savings accounts and transferred our liquid assets there. We now make similar amounts, but in past he’s made more and I’ve made more. But we consider it all to be shared, our paychecks both go in the checking account and we pay for all our bills out of that account. We have separate 401ks and Roth IRAs, and I have a separate investment account I brought into the relationship. We pulled from it for our down payment, but otherwise it functions as an emergency fund. We have separate credit cards and we just tell the other when we’re paying our bills. We typically only check with the other person before making purchases >$150 or so. We have a budget/assets spreadsheet we update and review every couple of months to make sure we are on track for our goals. We are very fortunate to live below our means, and we have very similar financial outlooks and habits (frugal!), so this works well for us.

    19. Kay*

      We have been married for 10 years and have merged about everything. I moved into his house, so he had that asset and made more than me, while I was getting a business off the ground. Now everything is viewed as a joint asset/liability regardless of who might own it (business in my name, larger retirement account in his for example). Initially my husband handled the bills as he was the main card holder for monthly expenses and had the mortgage but we now share that responsibility and have a monthly discussion on where finances stand. Most of this came from a lack of transparency in spending and overall finances, and disagreement on how we should be spending, the other was straight up stuff not being taken care of. After a few arguments, budget discussions and goal setting we are now on the same page, we can each spend what we like on whatever we deem fit (we have enough where this won’t cause any issues with our goals but we talk about bigger purchases), and we are both responsible for making sure everything is on track.

      We basically view this as a partnership, and though my husband has consistently out earned me, part of that is because of the other non paid labor and household work I handle. We both agree that a paycheck isn’t the only thing of value in a relationship, and therefore everything we have is part of the whole. This might not work for everyone but I think this way neither one of us resents being the one to go into the office, manage all the household contracts, not having the amount of fun money, etc. If we couldn’t come to an agreement on spending, goals or household labor – I don’t think this model would work as well.

    20. MissB*

      When we moved in together before we married, I paid him rent and was responsible for my own bills.

      Dh and I combined our finances when we married. He owned our first house before we married. When we refinanced, I was added to the mortgage.

      When I started working, I was making maybe half of what he made. I stopped working when our oldest was about 2.5, and went back to work when oldest was about 10.

      When I returned to work, Dh was making way way more than I was, like easily 4x. By the time he retired last year, he was making double what I make, and I’m at the top of my salary range (similar engineering jobs but he was in the private sector vs me being in the public sector).

      I have always managed the bills. He did initially but he was terrible at it, so I took over budgeting/savings/investing. He was good at making money but poor at managing it.

      We’ve been married for almost 30 years now, and our monthly spending is very very predictable. He tells me when he’s spending more than average (like if he’s withdrawing a bunch of cash or making a big purchase). I don’t tell him when I make a big purchase or withdraw cash, because he trusts me to manage our money and doesn’t give a hoot. I don’t care when he spends either, but it’s more of a utilitarian notice from him to me so that I make sure we have enough $ in the account that he pulls from.

      The only time he’s budgeted anything in our marriage since I took over the finances is this year’s backyard project. We decided on an overall budget and he found the contractors that fit within that budget. He’d let me know if he was going over in any particular part of the project but otherwise he would just tell me to write a check or pay an invoice and I’d pull it out of the remodeling account. He truly doesn’t even write checks or log onto accounts. I probably should show him how but I trust that he’s technically savvy enough to take it on if I happen to croak unexpectedly. He’s a joint owner on all of our accounts.

      Short version: I paid rent until we got married and then it was all our money. Marriage means that unless there is a prenup, you’ll likely be splitting things anyway if you divorce.

      1. amoeba*

        At least in my country, not whatever each of you owned pre-marriage! So if one of you has a house already, that stays theirs – or at least the value it had at the time of the wedding, any increase in price is split.

    21. Another professor*

      My wife and I merged our finances before we got married–once we lived in the same home. She bought the home before we got together, so it’s solely in her name; our current and previous car are both solely in my name simply because I had better credit at the time we bought them. But we consider both the home and the car to be “ours” not hers/mine.

      I make 3-4 times more than she does (she’s self-employed with chronic disabilities, not that the difference needs to be explained or defended). But all of our money goes in one pot and pays the bills, then fun stuff. She contributes to the house in other ways–for example, doing some chores I detest, helping me with my mental health, etc. And I know that if she were making more, she’d put it all in the common pot too.

      Generally we discuss mid- to large-sized purchases before they happen, to make sure we’re on the same page about spending X amount of money. For example, I am taking a trip in about 6 weeks, and we looked at airfare and hotels together, before I picked the ones that worked best for me. We also discuss whether to put expenditures on a credit card or debit card, how much to put toward each credit card, how to pay off hospital/doctor bills, and so on.

      Overall, I’d say we are a team in all that we do, and that carries over to how we view our finances. Interestingly, we were each in a serious relationship previously where things felt very unfair and un-team-like. So we’ve been deliberate about checking in and building a team orientation together.

    22. chocolate muffins*

      My partner and I joined our finances when we moved in together, and we lived together for a few years before we got married. He makes a lot more money than I do but it didn’t really matter in terms of things being “fair” because by the time we were sharing major expenses, it was all “our” money.

      Before we lived together, we’d sometimes split stuff (like eating out, getting tickets to an activity, etc.) 50/50, but because I could afford less sometimes he’d just pay for everything, or we wouldn’t do a thing. When we merged our money, we created four bank accounts: a shared checking account where our income gets deposited and from which we pay expenses, a shared savings account to which we transferred the same amount each month, and then each of us had our own bank account for fun money. Every month we’d get a transfer of $X out of the joint checking account into our individual accounts, and we could do with that money whatever we wanted, including saving it for our own future use. This has worked REALLY well for us because my husband spends way more than I am comfortable on some things, but it comes out of his own account so I don’t care. And I like to save more than most people think is reasonable, but that doesn’t prevent him from, like, getting a fun toy that he wants, because I’m saving my own “fun” money (plus we have our shared savings too – we don’t lack for savings, just, saving money gives me a dopamine hit the way spending money on fun stuff gives other people a dopamine hit, so that’s mostly what I “spend” my fun money on).

      Oh, also, any money that we make away from our regular job goes into our individual accounts. So my main paycheck and his main paycheck are deposited into our joint checking account. But if, say, I get an honorarium for giving a talk, that money goes into my own account and turns into “fun” money. And same for extra money that he gets outside his main job.

    23. HannahS*

      When my partner and I got married, we merged everything, except our credit cards. We each had some minor savings but no meaningful assets; we felt that a prenup wasn’t necessary. At the time, he was working and had an income and I was a student. Now we make about the same amount. Soon I will earn about double his income, and it will remain that way until we retire. For reference, we are in our 30s and have one child.

      Our attitude was that we’re saving for the same things (a house, our retirement) and that if one of us was a better saver, we wouldn’t wish for the other to have less freedom in retirement. We spend money in different ways, are from different socio-economic backgrounds, and have different anxieties about money. It has taken us a lot of discussion to get to a comfortable place. But we are both happy with the arrangement.

    24. dontbeadork*

      The full 30+ years of our marriage we have each had our own checking accounts with the other joint on it just in case. So I could write the check for the plumber if it came from my account or his and vice versa. We divide up the bills to be equitable (so he had the higher salary, he paid a somewhat larger share of the bills, like his account covered the mortgage, mine did utilities). You have to revisit when conditions change, though, and be willing to have those tough convos.

      After your share of the bills are paid, whatever’s left in your account is yours to spend as you please.

      We also take turns paying when we go out to eat, but again we sort of track how pricy the meals were so I may end up buying twice in a row if he paid for a really nice dinner on his turn.

    25. Chauncy Gardener*

      Been combined since we got married over 30 years ago. We review what we’ve got periodically and talk about spending and saving and investing priorities and that’s about it.
      It’s worked well for us and kept us on a “mutual” page.
      Good luck!

    26. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      We are completely merged and always have been. (33 years)

      In our case we have had periods of time where I made much more, periods where we made about the same and periods where he made much more. We each took time off work for grad school and I was a SAHM for a while and he took an unpaid sabbatical for awhile.

      The only issue we had was early in the marriage my husband was more of a spender than I was on “fun stuff” so for awhile we kept a fun stuff account for him and for me that was EQUALLY funded but we eventually did not need that once the budget grew a bit.

      I am going to say right off the bat that I never thought the very common % of income rule was fair to the lower earner. The person making twice as much has more fun money than the person making less. That gets really complicated if the person making less is doing more childcare or other. We allocated an equal amount to fun.

      For me the merging is about working towards financial goals together. And if you do add kids to the mix I would find it awfully complicated to manage separate accounts. I have trauma from my sister and her husband arguing over if the toy for the kid was a joint expense or a her expense because she decided to get it.

      I will flat out say it was easier back when we started out , we were able to have all those periods of one income because life was proportionally cheaper. But I spend a lot of “my money’ when I was the primary earner paying off his car loan and his student loans because it was financially beneficial for us. Years later I guess technically it was “his money” that paid cash for my car when I needed one bigger for 2 carseats.

      As long as you have relatively compatible spending habits, views on debt and goals, you can leverage your money more if you work together.

    27. Quinalla*

      When we married, we completely merged finances except we each kept one credit card in just our names just in case so we continued to have at least some separate credit history if one of us died young/divorce/etc.

      We make very different salaries, always have. We have an agreed upon amount of $$ that we can just spend without discussion on fun stuff. Anything over that amount, we have a quick discussion to make sure we are both ok with spending that on something. For big trips or big purchases we plan and discuss together. We are fortunate to make enough that we can buy groceries, clothes, household stuff, etc. without needing to talk about it. We have amounts we save for kids college and retirement and other savings every month that we agree on. We have a loose budget, but it’s very loose and we are lucky to be able to do that. If $$ were tighter, we’d have a stricter budget and might even just be like $X for each of us for fun per month, discuss anything beyond.

      For us, the important thing is that we make the decisions together so one of us doesn’t get caught in the role of permission granter/person who ruins fun and the other beggar/victim. It’s very easy to fall into these roles especially if one of you is more of a saver and the other a spender.

    28. Higher Ed Cube Farmer*

      My partner and I have separate personal accounts and a shared account for household expenses. We each pay into the household account, currently equal amounts as our incomes are pretty similar. When our incomes were more different we paid proportionately into the household account. At one point I was making about half her income annually; at another point, she was making 2/3 of my income.

      All the expenses we’re both responsible for are paid out of the household account: Utilities, rent or mortgage (saving for the downpayment for the mortgage), major repairs, pet bills, some groceries, occasional splurges that we jointly planned and budgeted for. All the shared expenses, we both have access to pay for even if one of of us is primarily responsible for managing the account.
      Everything else is separate. We file taxes separately. We have separate vehicles (though we usually carpool in one of them, and will occasionally buy gas for each other, as we would for a friend who gave a lot of rides) and vehicle expenses are not shared. Cellphone expenses are not shared; we have separate plans with different providers. We have separate health insurance (neither of us is a dependent on the other’s policy) and medical expenses are not shared. Any discretionary expenses solely or primarily the responsibility of one of us is paid for by that person, to the extent that we’ll sometimes go grocery shopping together and pay in 2 transactions, even though I’m the primary cook and will probably be the one cooking all of it. Or, she likes video media a lot more than I do, so when we had Netflix, that was her personal expense that she paid for and let me watch.

      Apart from the shared mortgage, it would be super easy to disentangle our finances if we split up or one of us died suddenly. Keeping most things separate and explicitly negotiating how we use the shared account also lets us cooperate in a way that feels fair to both, while respecting our different financial habits and attitudes — no one needs to convince the other one to change their ways, no one gets saddled with debts incurred by the other.
      This has been working pretty well for us for 25 years.

      Importantly, we can do it this way because we are not legally married; marrying combines finances legally regardless how the partners operate in day-to-day practice (absent pre- or post-nuptial agreements that can be cumbersome or expensive to obtain and keep updated). It’s a major factor in why we have not married and foregone some benefits of marriage; have instead used a patchwork of other legal documents to formalize our relationship.

  24. Six Feldspar*

    Happy weekend everyone, this is both asking for advice and asking where to get advice, but here goes:
    – I bought my first house in (regional city) about three years ago
    – I grew up in, and currently work in, (capital city)
    – I work from home 3-4 days a week, but office days are a 1.5-2.5 hour trip one way and I cannot make that commute any shorter

    I bought the house about 6 months before I got the job, and three years later this situation is getting less and less sustainable.

    The obvious and most ruthless thing to do would be to look for a job closer to home, but the problem is… I like this job, my coworker and the company and I want to stay in it, and the nature of my industry means there will always be more and varied jobs in Capital City vs Regional City.

    I need objective advice so I’m throwing it out here, but I’m wondering what other professions I could talk to? I need financial, career and life advice because this situation covers all of them, is there someone that can answer all of those areas? Or do I need to get advice from a financial planner, career coach and life coach and compare what each of them say?

    1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I could be missing something, but what I’m not seeing here is any particular statement that you like either your house or the area you live in right now. The most usual solution to having a job that you like and a home too far away from it that you’re more neutral on is to move to closer to the job, and while I can invent lots of reasons why that might not be possible, plausible, and/or desirable for you, without you supplying any details along those lines it’s hard to give advice.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Fair point! I bought the house at a time when I was working in a regional town and Regional City seemed fantastic in comparison, so I didn’t go into buying the house planning for such a long commute. Regional City is still fine from a general point of view but it’s not home to me the way Capital City is. Looking back I think I made the best decision on house buying under the circumstances and with the information I had at the time, but I would definitely make different choices if I had my time again…

        Seeing it written out like that actually makes it a lot clearer than in my head, thanks for helping me rubber duck the problem :)

        1. tired turtle*

          If you absolutely *love* where you live, renting an apt in capital city and “living” in regional city is one thing I’ve seen people do. If not, move closer to capital city.

        2. Observer*

          Looking back I think I made the best decision on house buying under the circumstances and with the information I had at the time, but I would definitely make different choices if I had my time again…

          So the question I would really be looking at then is whether it makes sense to think about moving to Capital City.

          Most often, when moving for a job, you need to think through what happens if you change jobs. In a case like yours, though, it sound like even if you change jobs, you are still likely to be withing the same geographic region you are *working in* at the moment. So in all likelihood, a move to Capital City would be not just for *this* job, but for your career overall.

    2. Morning Reader*

      I don’t know which advice givers would work best but you may want to start with the financial planner. That might clear up some of the other stuff. Like, can you afford to sell your new home and buy another, rent it out and rent another, or… ? (How much does this commute cost you? Figuring by irs mileage standards, if it’s 200 miles round trip that’s… about $130 every time you go to the w place? Wow.)

      As for the commute, I suggest either finding another place to stay over one night (if you can keep your two in office days consecutive) so that you halve your commute time by going only one way in a day. Or, finding a commute buddy to share the drive. Either of those things might relieve the pressure while you find solutions to the bigger stuff.

      1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        How do you get 200 miles round trip? They say 1.5 to 2.5 hours each way. Around here at rush hour that could be as little as 20-25 miles. Few people have commutes that are 65 mph the entire way.

    3. Hyaline*

      So as much as I think there’s a time and place for professionals, the root issue here is answering what do YOU want and then building from there. If there’s something in the way of answering that–financial information you don’t have, a view on your career that’s really clouded and needs insight, something that you need to unpack in therapy–then sure, seek professional advice. But if the thing here is that you need to unravel what you want out of life (easy stuff, right? j/k) then I think you’re best served spending some time sitting with it and thinking on it. Professionals can’t answer what’s right for you; they can only address obstacles or questions standing in the way.

      Like Seven Hobbits, I notice that you don’t share much enthusiasm for your house or where you live. If you don’t HAVE to live where you currently do, and you don’t even especially WANT to live there…wow! You have many options! You could move closer to Capital City…or across the country. (Out of curiosity, do you feel that because you bought a house, you’ve made your choice? I can appreciate that mindset–that you feel committed to the house and city–but you’re not cemented in place. Houses can be sold. Sometimes you even take a financial hit but it’s still the right choice.)

      1. Quinalla*

        Agreed, you can talk to likely a financial planner/accountant about tax, etc. stuff, but you need to figure out what makes the most sense for you. Commute is unsustainable. Sell/rent your house and move to job city permanently? Keep house and get apartment in city and only commute on weekends at a less traffic time? Move somewhere closer to job city, but maybe in the burbs for shorter commute but hopefully better prices for renting/buying? There are a lot of options, but I’d start with the commute, what is sustainable and see what options there are left (likely still a lot) and see which ones appeal to you most. Maybe then talk to financial folks if needed to flesh out what is in your budget, keep narrowing down based on greatest need/want.

        I would recommend not buying another house right away, move somewhere temporary so if you hate the new arrangement, you can try something else. Once you have it more settled, then look to buy if you want to buy a house again.

    4. Kay*

      I also agree this doesn’t require the assistance of professionals (except maybe your accountant re:deductions). An Excel spreadsheet can help you with the financials of it all (if you sell now will you make a profit after factoring in all the costs, can you afford a new house, will the current interest rates and higher prices negate the profits, can you rent out your current place and find other housing, could you rent a room in Capital City, etc.)

      The rest of it is simple, being as you’ve already said the options for your career are better in Capital City the question left is – would you prefer living in the area where you work, or where you currently live?

    5. RedinSC*

      If you like your house, and you like your job, do you have enough money to rent a room in City where you spend 1-2 nights a week there so you don’t have the commute? I was contemplating doing that, renting a room from a friend in Major City so that I could really only have to face the big commute twice in a week. Then I could have 2 consecutive days in office, one over night day in the city, friend gets some extra funds for a very part time room mate?

    6. Busy Middle Manager*

      Your comment caught my eye because you said you bought a house and I like those questions, but I had to read it three times, looking for the actual question.

      It doesn’t seem like there is a specific hard problem, it just is that you feel your life isn’t sustainable long term, correct?

      I am missing the part where you need a financial adviser since you don’t mention financial problems

      TBH always living in the NE corridor your situation sounds very common and even desirable. Live semi-rurally or in the suburbs or even rurally and go once or twice a week into Philadelphia or NY or Boston and you’re happy because your parents had to go in 5X a week so you’re making progress.

      I vote for doing whatever you need to do mentally to stick with your situation for another year. Many leading economic indicators and the rising unemployment rate point to a coming recession or at least pause in growth, which means something will eventually have to “break” and “reset.” Right now, as someone who’s also passively job and house hunting. It’s worse as it’s ever been out there except maybe 2008 in the job market.

      Average houses on small lots are prices like luxury homes on huge lots were pre-covid and you now have the high interest rate

      If you’re white collar, the job requirements are out of control, more rounds of interviews, more ghosting, more tests and requests for free work, for the same or even a little less pay.

      Get exposed to that made me appreciate my current situation a little bit better

      Lastly, you mention a job coach. First thing I’d do is an objective search of what jobs are even hiring near you to start. I was shocked (in a negative way unfortunately) doing this, realizing how many industries have zero jobs in my rather populous area. No point getting excited about a job that doesn’t exist near you

    7. chocolate muffins*

      This is not an answer to the question you actually asked so feel free to ignore it, but it’s something that might be helpful for the situation you’re describing which is why I’m typing it out. Putting this explanation here because I’m remembering someone in a different thread asking why people online give advice that doesn’t respond to the question being asked :)

      Anyway, if you need to maintain this situation for a while, or aren’t able to/don’t want to move, I wonder if changing the commute might make things feel more sustainable? For instance, if you’ve been driving but taking public transportation is an option, would that make the commute feel easier? It might be less taxing and would allow you to do other things while you are commuting, like reading or getting some work done or whatever. Or – I think someone else suggested this too – but maybe carpooling with someone else would make it more tolerable, if you enjoy company? Or if you are already carpooling, and it’s exhausting to be with another person for that time, maybe switching to going by yourself? I also have a long commute for work and I find that the kind of commute makes a big difference – maybe it will for you too?

  25. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    Is there a (legit, licensed) audiobook site that sells the audiobooks as mp3 downloads that you can play using any mp3 player rather than expecting you to listen using their app?

    I’m getting a pair of swim headphones with built-in mp3 storage (Bluetooth doesn’t work well underwater, so you want swim headphones that you load things onto directly rather than connect to a phone/watch/computer), and while I’m confident that I can get my existing audiobooks into mp3 form by some method or other (and don’t need help/suggestions on that front), I’d prefer to support a business that I’m not having to actively thwart for future purchases.

    2. illuminate*

      If the author has a Payhip account, they can sell audiobooks through it that will likely be mp3 downloads. It’s a bit old-fashioned as well, but I have a couple audiobooks on CD that I’ve ripped to mp3. Your library may also have CD or digital audiobooks available in the format.

      1. Clara Bowe*

        +1 And if you use the Overdrive application (not the mobile app which got sunsetted) on your laptop or desktop, you can borrow MP3 audiobooks and transfer them to an MP3 player. They expire if you don’t can’t renew them, but it is an option!

    3. Morning Reader*

      It looks like Project Gutenberg and the Internet Archive have some mp3 audiobooks. Older titles but if you’re in the mood for some Balzac, maybe it will do?

      1. Dr. Gurathin*

        LibriVox has free downloadable (mp3) audiobook versions of public domain books (older books, like those in Project Gutenberg). It’s volunteer, so quality can be variable, but where else are you gonna find audiobook versions of the original Hardy Boys and Uncle Wiggly?

        For newer books, Downpour has downloadable (mp3) audiobooks for purchase. Prices have seemed reasonable for the things I’ve been interested in.

    4. Tea Leaves*

      I used to use libro.fm all the time when I was going through an audiobook phase. At the time (this was a couple of years ago) they allowed mp3 downloading in addition to having their own app. Good selection and part of their profit goes to indie bookstores, which is a big win in my book — pun not intended!

    5. Alyn*

      libro.fm lets you download the audiobooks you purchase as mp3s, and while they have an app, you’re not restricted to using only the app.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Seconding the library suggestion. My local library “digital consortium” has downloadable titles in a couple of formats, such as Overdrive or Libby, but also physical CDs.

      Check publisher websites directly. Some of the big ones have their own audio divisions. Or listen to the credits of other audiobooks to get company names that specialize in recorded books. Not all of them will sell directly to consumers, but some do.

    7. Bibliovore*

      I have wanted swim headphones forever. Can you post a link? I bought some years ago and they were horrible.

  26. Cookies For Breakfast*

    People who travel and have had a damaged passport: how bad does it have to get for people at border control to give you trouble?

    A tiny drop of spilled hand sanitizer wreaked havoc to the sides of the pages on mine. They started out all sticky, and luckily could be separated when dried, but it’s obvious to the eye that they’ve been wet. Mostly no big deal, as I only had one page with stamps and won’t be getting more, but the page with the issuing official’s signature is a bit smudged. Also, there’s a tiny bit of white paper stuck to the front cover that I can’t remove (but doesn’t cover any lettering), from a magazine that got stuck to the passport.

    I booked the earliest appointment for early renewal, since it would be up next year anyway. It’s not until November, and I have to take three more flights between now and then (and ironically, I might get turned away on renewal day if they consider it “not damaged enough” – my country’s UK consulate is FUN).

    The electronic scanner processed it fine on the day that damage happened, so the photo page seems unscathed. I’m mostly concerned that in certain airports the scan may not work, and then I have to get checked manually and a zealous agent might give me trouble. And yes, I learned a valuable lesson about storing my passport in my bag.

    1. PX*

      Depends where you’re going but if the photo page can scan fine, I think that’s probably the most important bit as even if you see an actual person rather than go through automatic gates they will still be scanning the photo page.

      From casual observation of security at other airports, there are other things they look for regarding authenticity and so as long as those are fine you should be okay.

    2. Kay*

      Thankfully I haven’t had to deal with this issue personally, but my understanding from those who have is that it can vary greatly by country, airport, agent, day… I would recommend checking something like a traveler forum, reddit passort, etc. and seeing if you can get any current real world answers for the places you are going. I think it is always a risk. If you think “not damaged enough” could be a problem… well… I would make sure it was “damaged enough” just prior to the appointment.

    3. EA*

      My friend had to cancel a whole Central American trip because her passport got wet and, although legible and scannable, the countries she wanted to visit wouldn’t let her in.

  27. nota bene*

    I’ve recently started painting my fingernails! I enjoy doing this and it’s a nice avenue for expressing myself. But:

    I’m a cis man. (Probably? For the sake of argument, let’s say this is true.) I have a generally masculine gender presentation and wear men’s clothes. When my parents taught me how to dress nicely, they taught me how to wear a suit and tie, and they did not teach me about nail polish. I work in tech, so me being clueless about nail polish fashion is not a huge issue generally, because Not Doing Fashion is pretty popular in my social set.

    But I have no idea how I would dress at weddings, or job interviews at more-formal companies, or anything like that! How does nail polish factor into coherent masculine outfits and styles, particularly business casual or more formal outfits?

    I feel like all the articles I’ve seen on the topic don’t really hit the questions I actually have, which are much less “what color of nail polish do I buy and will my Y chromosomes fall out if I apply it” and much more in the vein of “how would I coordinate my necktie and my fingernails” or “is it unfashionable for your nails to match your solid-colored shirt”.

    So…does anyone have favorite articles or publications on this topic?

    1. vombatus ursinus*

      No recommendations, sorry, but I must say that I think matching your nail colour to your tie would look great! :D

      1. BellaStella*

        Agree! I went to a big Swedish store recently and the guy at the register had blue and yellow nail colour in line with the store colours!

    2. Anono-me*

      For me (an older lady), nail polish and ties are similar style choices. So if you would wear an elegant muted tie, choose an elegant muted nail color. But if you would wear a zany cartoon tie, wear bright nail colors with fun embellishments.

      For a job interview or similar, I would suggest a flatterimg color only a few shades off of the skin tone of your hands.

      Do the bright colors and fabulous nail art in your every day life and when you want to dress up for a fun event.

      Weddings are a hard one, since the tone and style can be so varied. Maybe ask abut the wedding style and take your lead from them. Otherwise the most draring I would suggest is something middle of the road like French tips in the wedding colors.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      Take this with a grain of salt since I haven’t had painted nails for years for practicality, but I would treat them like earrings or cufflinks, so they can be really bright/sparkly/etc to accessorise an outfit, or they can be the same colour as the suit for a subtle touch.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Forgot to say, I’ve seen a lot of people lately do a solid colour on their nails with one nail on each hand extra bright and sparkly (pointer or ring finger iirc)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I usually do a different color on one or two nails per hand. (Not gonna lie, it’s usually because I messed that one up the first time and am trying something different.)

    4. Jules the First*

      As a woman who had to learn this as an adult: the etiquette rule of thumb for women and polish colours is to match the dress code – so somewhere where anything goes outfit-wise, anything goes colourwise; if the event is dressy or business casual, you want to stick to “mainstream” colours (pick one colour for all nails, no neons, nothing with glitter or jewels, nail art limited to one or two fingers and subtle); if the event is business formal or formal, stick to neutrals (clear, flesh tone, a dark burgundy or deep navy, usually). And yes, when choosing a colour you can be inspired by a tone in your tie, the pinstripe in your suit, anything! Consider choosing your nail polish with the same principles you’d use for choosing socks or a pocket square, but bearing in mind that your fingers will naturally attract attention because of where they are, so don’t be afraid to choose a darker-but-related colour for nails…don’t feel like you have to match it exactly.

      Finally, this is the kind of thing you can ask a manicurist for help with – if you have an event you are particularly nervous about, book yourself a manicure at a salon. Good choices for man-friendly ones are the ones in or near big hotels, or in the gay district in your town or city. If it’s too intimidating to go alone, ask a woman with nails you admire if you can tag along to her next appointment. (Or sometimes booking a no-polish pedicure gets you a chance to try out a technician in a low-stress, gender-neutral way)

      1. Sloanicota*

        Heh heh “Ask a Manicurist” – that *other* advice blog with the active (yet stylish!) commentariat

    5. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      I love the advice you’ve already gotten and most of all I love the way you phrased that it’s less about “what color of nail polish do I buy and will my Y chromosomes fall out if I apply it” and much more in the vein of “how would I coordinate my necktie and my fingernails” or “is it unfashionable for your nails to match your solid-colored shirt”.”

      I am cackling. This is so witty and gets to the real issue, like let’s stop talking about the thing so we can do the thing.

    6. Sloanicota*

      Love this and it makes sense to me that the nails would match the tie, like little finger pocketsquares. I can’t think of a resource (I first thought of autostraddle but there’s probably more targeted sites I don’t know) but if you find one I hope you’ll circle back and share with us! More and more confident men in my circle wear nail polish and like half the male youth, so you’re not alone.

    7. tired turtle*

      Wedding vs interview are different things. Honestly, for an interview (at a more conservative company) I’d leave it off, unless it’s a really young company, and you know that in advance. Put the nail polish on for your second day! A wedding, you can afford to be more showy, less conservative. Can you have a bold colour tie, socks and polish? Like bright blue or yellow or pink for all three? (assuming you’d wear a tie to a wedding). Also, colour theory says that if you want your nails to blend in, matching your solid shirt is the choice, and if you want them to stand out, go opposite on the colour wheel.

    8. Hyaline*

      Excellent advice so far with the addition that fresh mani in any color looks polished and at home at formal or nicer events far more than anything chipped or ragged. I wouldn’t look twice at something not quite matching but an obviously chipped up polish job doesn’t look formal or professional. So if you (like me) don’t have time to keep up on it, pale neutrals and sheer “jelly” colors are great. (My friend started painting his nails and really preferred black and dark blue but wow those deep colors chip and look meh really quick!)

      1. Pippa K*

        I will add, as a cis woman who never got into the manicure thing, I recently got a Dazzle Dry manicure and wow, does that hold up! Two full weeks, no chips, still shiny. And it’s not bad for your nails like gel manicures apparently are. I may now be a manicure person.

    9. Generic Name*

      I personally wear different colors depending on the season. So a dark burgundy for fall/winter and bright pink for spring/summer. A coworker just mentioned the other day that she thought August’s official colors should be pink and orange, lol. For weddings, I’d say anything goes, but it would look especially snappy to coordinate with your tie, as others mentioned. For formal job interviews, I’d stick to traditional colors (red, neutral pink, clear) but understand that a conservative company may have A Problem with a man not wearing what society deems “appropriate” for males. But it could be a useful screening tool for you to find cultural fit.

    10. Buni*

      Pale true metallics (gold / silver / coppers) can look glam whilst also being toned-down and discreet. If you don’t want to stand out too much then if you’re paler skinned go for metallic….beiges, for want of a better descriptor; the darker your skin the brighter the colour you can get away with. If you want to be bold, just go nuts!

    11. Missa Brevis*

      There’s a lot of great advice already about color coordination, so I’ll just add a note about finish: similar colors can have very different impact depending on the type of polish. Smooth creme or jelly finishes read more conservative/work appropriate, shimmers or holographics with extremely fine glitter can be a fun little accent without pulling huge amounts of attention, while metallics, multichromes, or very bright flaky glitters are very much eye catching, sort of the nail equivalent of big bright statement jewelry. Calibrate to your personal taste and comfort level!

    12. Roseberriesmaybe*

      There is a Reddit that might be helpful, r/malepolish. I would see nails as another accessory or place to add a new colour into your outfit- it doesn’t necessarily have to match. I watch the DnD show Critical Role and several of the men on that (all cis men afaik) wear nailpolish. Most noticeably the DM Matt Mercer, he often wears black, green, purples or red. I recommend checking out some of the recent videos, even if only for polish inspiration :)

    13. BikeWalkBarb*

      Not an article but an example– Our state had a DEI conference earlier this year. One of the presenters uses “gender-expansive” as their descriptor. They wore this beautiful bright blue coat over a black tee and their nails were different colors with one color matching the coat. It caught my eye because it looked so great with the color of the nails against the dark tee if they happened to gesture.

      If your style includes going with color as your outer layer rather than in the tie, shirt, or pocket square, you could coordinate with that.

    14. nuts for nails*

      r/RedditLaqueristas can help you a lot here! (It’s missing the “c” in lacquer on purpose.)

      I will add that a lot of the recommendations I’ve seen in this thread so far are great recommendations and pretty much align with the mainstream. However, I got DEEP into the nail world in 2021 and subsequently discovered indie polish and nail art, and I really do think the world is a lot more accepting of nail polish that’s outside the norm of red/burgundy/pink/neutral than they used to be, even for people who are seen as “nontraditionla wearers”. I think it’s similar to the cultural shift in feelings about tattoos and piercings, where there are definitely still people with diehard prejudices but the vast majority of us are over here like “you do you.”

      Also, once you get into the world of indie polish it’s so easy and so fun to go down a rabbit hole! Especially if you’re interested in supporting small businesses.

  28. BellaStella*

    Does anyone have advice for dealing with a person who wants to gossip (she says, “but I need updates”)? She left the place we met (the non weekend place!) in March 2023 and continues to speak to loads of folks there and wants to keep gossiping about changes and people etc. She texted me in June after having lunch with a person I see in the week and was super concerned, “M says you are out – are you ok” and just digs and digs …. in this case I said yes I was fine, end of text. I am seeing her and a few others tomorrow and have asked to not speak of the non weekend place. I will stick to this stance and change subjects but can I be kind but firm somehow? I am pulling away from her as this is only second time I have seen her this year.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Haha I have a friend who says that to me, and I find it extremely off putting too, so I feel you. She doesn’t really mean it in a harmful way, just “I miss you and I want to catch up!!” but it lands badly with me phrased that way. If you actually want to keep this person in your life – which you may not – just be a bit more direct with her! “Oh, I don’t feel good about gossiping these days but I’d love to get lunch with you (if true) and catch up.” And if she genuinely is digging too much, let her know that! “I don’t really want to talk about it – thanks for understanding. How about that (subject change).” When something sad happened to me this year I had to proactively send out a text saying basically, “thanks for all the good wishes, I know you care, I’m trying to keep busy and it would really help me if you would let me not talk about (sadness) and just focus on other stuff.”

      1. BellaStella*

        Thanks. This is the second time I have said as much, the first time was in March. Will aim to repeat it and yeah to be honest I really do not think I can maintain the friendship because of this.

    2. Hyaline*

      I believe you that it feels like “gossip,” but what you describe doesn’t seem particularly egregious (that is, keeping up with the goings-on where you used to work isn’t itself crossing into nasty gossip). It’s entirely possible that she’s worse than she sounds here, but I have to wonder if it’s that you’d really just rather not talk about work, or…is it that you don’t really enjoy this person’s company or conversation at all? If it’s the latter…I think it’s probably time to just start distancing yourself even further than you have. Decline invitations, let texts sit or give perfunctory answers. But if it’s mostly that you don’t want to talk shop, just set that boundary. “After being at the office all week, I really don’t want to talk about it! Can we avoid NonWeekendPlace, please?” If that leaves you with little in common and little to talk about, that also kind of gives you your answer on whether she’s someone you don’t really want to maintain ties with. And that’s ok. Sometimes we have work friends who transition into IRL friends, and sometimes the only thing in common is work.

    3. fposte*

      Sometimes it helps not just to play defense but to strengthen your offense. “As I said,I’m not talking about work at the moment. How’s your DnD comapaign going?”

    4. The golden typewriter*

      Hmm.. I would grey rock, or constantly change the subject. Whenever I feel the need to gossip, I’m generally bored. Maybe you could talk about them “oh I’m fine, but I heard you have a Yellow stone vacation coming up, what’s new?”

    5. Buni*

      My reply to “but I need updates!” would be nothing but a breezy, “Haven’t got any, sorry!”.

    6. TheBunny*

      I’m not sure this sounds like gossip so much as her not knowing how to talk to you about anything else because that’s where she knows you from. Some people don’t have a strong ability to separate work and personal or she sees that as your thing in common.

      Have you tried redirecting the conversation?

  29. allathian*

    Do you actually want to see her? If not, skip the meeting. Or maybe not if you want to show her you’re fine…

    Just keep saying that you don’t want to talk about work and change the subject. Maybe ask how she’s doing.

    2. BellaStella*

      Thanks this is the plan. I do think this is going to be the last meetup this year and I can push others out or have a conflict too.

  30. new dog parent*

    Can anyone recommend extra strong extra safe dog leashes? My recently adopted dog broke out of his leash when the hook mechanism opened itself and I do not want that to happen again. I searched and found the key word “tactical leash” but when searching for that I almost only find search engine spam with affiliate links to cheap products on Amazon where several reviewers say that the “unbreakable” leash broke within a week or that the dog opened the “safety lock”. I found a few brands that potentially look good, but I don’t know if they’re actually better than the cheap Amazon products. My dog is about 35 kg/75 lbs and sometimes lunges/lashes out. My ideal leash is made of strong rope (like climbing rope), has an extra handle near the collar, is available in longer versions (I like 3 meters/9 ft for hikes, shorter in the neighbourhood), uses a strong lockable carabiner that needs skill to open (not just “press with two fingers”). I’m in Europe, but don’t let that limit any recommendations. Also, I understand it’s better to prevent this lunging and running away! We’re working on that too.

    1. Angstrom*

      Our rescue recommended the Harness Lead(harnesslead dot com), which has no mechanical fastener. We’ve had good luck with them. Takes longer to put on than a standard leash, but not a big deal.

    2. Time for Tea*

      Have a look at Bully Billows range of leads, they might have something you like. UK and deliver to Europe I believe.

      I’ve also got a really nice Hunter leather training lead (double ended) who I think are German or somewhere north Europe.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you have a leash you like aside from the clip, you could probably attach a locking carabiner to an existing leash separately. I’ve also had luck positioning a leash clip on my dog’s harness where they can’t get to it, plus I generally put my big dog (115 lbs) on a double lead anyway – her gentle leader is on a nine foot leather line, her harness is clipped at her back to a two foot rope lead with a handle, and both leads are clipped together with a carabiner. I hold the handle on the short lead and the leather line is cross-body hands free (so it actually has about five feet free for her worn that way, but it’s adjustable).

    4. Woodsy*

      Not a leash, but related: we use a Halti harness that tightens around the ribcage, causing discomfort to the dog when it pulls. (The harness passes around the dog’s ribcage, gathers at the back and attaches to the rope/leash above the shoulder blades.)

      I warmly recommend it for letting the dog figure out that not pulling is better. My dog weighs 2/3 of my weight and gives up before pulling me along. (I’m in the same boat as you, we’re still practicing.)

      Bought it in northern Europe.

    5. fposte*

      Seconding the recommendations for a harness or half hitch. That’s a dangerous amount of force he’s exerting on his neck, and you’ll have better control with something that spreads the pressure around, too.

    6. EngineerGal*

      We’ve had good luck with the Primal Pet Gear two handle leash (available on Amazon)-the second handle closer to the head imeans you can use both hands. This is for a yanky 90lb doodle

    7. MissB*

      On Amazon, Satori Pets sells an anti-pull leash that our trainer likes, and that we use for both our dogs.

      We have an 80-lb lab mix that loves to pull, and he’s pretty well trained! But he’s super strong, and if he wants he could pull me off my feet. When I loop this leash and use it in the anti-pull mode, he doesn’t pull.

      For normal walks, we don’t usually put it in that mode. But in tighter places (with lots of people), it’s just better to have the leash in that mode.

      When I walk both of our dogs sans hubby, I put their leashes in the anti pull mode, because otherwise I’d be doomed. I have a bad knee so my pace is a lot slower with both pups vs when Dh takes one and I take the other.

    8. Rick Tq*

      If you are in an area with horses look at lead ropes, they usually have a heavy-duty clip and stout rope too.

      Another alternative is to take a non-climbing locking carabiner and some 2.5cm tubular strapping (gear strap) and sew your own lead with as many grips as you want. I like to use dental floss as my thread since I can get it waxed (for easier handling) and it is very strong.

    9. KatoPotato*

      We have a leash that nearly fits your description from Tuenne (locking carabiner, thick climbing rope, multiple lengths), and I also echo the suggestions for a harness. I’ve seen some that have a handle at the back which is helpful for an unpredictable dog, but I don’t have a specific recommendation.

    10. new dog parent*

      Thanks so much for all your answers! I was sad when all the recommendations online seemed to be spam. Really grateful you all took the time to help me!

    11. Chauncy Gardener*

      Maybe check out If It Barks? They have great collars and leashes and may be able to assist.
      Good luck!

  31. How can I prove printer ink cartridge is “defective”?*

    My printer takes HP60 ink cartridges. The $24.99 brand-name cartridge is supposed to print approximately 200 pages. I installed one in late May or early June, printed 25 pages at most – and unless I need a barcode or QR code, use “draft” mode, which is supposed to use less ink. I tried to print a 6-page document the other day, and by page 4, the ink was faded, and by page 6, the page was mostly illegible. I don’t think I’ve gotten anything close to 200 pages from any cartridge in recent years, but this is just ridiculous. I couldn’t have gotten more than 25 pages from this one. Is there any way I can prove that this cartridge was “defective” (even thought it seems deliberate)? If I can’t do anything about the current one, what can I do when I install the next one?

    1. Sloanicota*

      I have this issue – it’s not that the ink is used up, so much that it dries up. They say you have to print something every week or so to keep it flowing. You might try moistening the cartridge with paper towels (there are videos about this on youtube). I also tried buying much cheaper liquid ink and manually refilling the cartridge – full disclosure it did not work for me At All but I see that it has worked for others.

      1. Ink cartridge OP*

        On a few occasions, yes, the ink could have dried out. But if it happened after only 8 weeks, then I’d still say the cartridge is defective.
        Thanks for the tip on how to moisten the cartridge. I’ll try it!

    2. Jay*

      Unfortunately, it’s “working as intended”.
      I’ve seen a few videos on the subject, including ones where they cut open brand new cartridges to show how little ink is really in them. The inside is mostly taken up by a sponge. The sponge has a tiny drop of ink on it. Really, you are getting nothing more than a few drops in these things.
      It’s what convinced me to shell out the money for a black and white laser printer. The ink lasts forever and they take very little maintenance.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep. I’ve had the same toner cartridge in my laser printer for going on five years.

      2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Yeah, I’ve had the One Good Printer (that Brother B&W laser printer) for years, no complaints. On the rare occasion I need to print color I go elsewhere. It just works.

    3. Morning Reader*

      Did you try shaking it up? That always used to work for me in the old days, to eek a few more pages out.
      Nowadays I’ve given up on having a working printer. I just go to the library and use theirs. Even at 20 cents a page, it’s cheaper than replacement cartridge for how much (or little) I need printing.

    4. Girasol*

      Frequent use helps. Check for a compatible fewer-page cartridge where you get refills. Sometimes you can get fewer page units for less so you lose less when the cartridge dries out.

    5. Edward Fairfax, Rochester, NY*

      try an Ecotank if you don’t want to purchase a laser printer; the profit model for most printers is in the ink selling!

  32. Sloanicota*

    I have been reflecting this week on the different ways people do and don’t show up for each other during tough times, and how I can be a better friend to others. The difficulty is of course that everyone is different! When it’s me, I *don’t* want spontaneous texts out of the blue that make me think of the sad thing, I don’t care much about flowers (although I appreciate the gesture, you might as well save your money) and what helps me the most is acting normal but being extra kind while I get my footing back. Invite me to stuff, offer me a ride maybe, just be normal. However, I kind of assume people who send flowers would want flowers for their thing, and people who ask me to Talk About It may want someone to ask them to talk about it! Part of being a good friend, I think, is knowing, or caring enough to ask, what people need. Thoughts?

    1. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Anne Helen Petersen had created this form you could share with your friends and family to ask about these kinds of things – basically, what does care look like for you? A form may be too formal for some people, but it may spark ideas on the kinds of questions to ask your people so you know for the next time/future (and I think there is no shame writing this stuff down – I have a friend who keeps a running list of all her dinner guests’ food related likes and dislikes). You can search “Anne Helen Petersen care form” and it should come up.

      I’ll also just commiserate – I’ve had two people in my life recently have a parent pass away, one whose parent it very sick, and one whose baby came WAY too early, and it’s been tough figuring out the right balance of trying to show up for them / not bugging them. (They were all people where I couldn’t really show up with food or help with any life admin…) When in doubt I’ve just said “I’m texting you and I’m here for you, but zero pressure to respond” and also tried to be the person who keeps showing up in the months AFTER the major event/crisis, knowing others might fade away at that stage but it also might be easier for them to start communicating at that point…

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      I think it’s often about paying attention to how people tell you about their tough times. You often get a sense of how they want you to react by how they talk about it.

      I don’t think people necessarily want somebody to ask them to talk about it. There are ways of giving people an opening to talk without saying that directly. I know one thing I found good was when people asked “how are you?” in a tone that made it clear they were open to hearing a genuine answer. If somebody doesn’t want to talk about it, they can still treat it as a general pleasantry.

      Another thing I do is phrase things as a statement rather than a question. Like I text people and say “hope you are doing OK,” rather than “are you OK?” That way, there is no pressure on them to answer, but if they want to talk, there is an opening. I’ve got responses from “yeah, fine,” through “I will be” to “it’s been a pretty tough time.” What I say next depends on their response and whether they seem to want to talk about it more.

    3. PhyllisB*

      I would say it depends on the situation. My mother just passed away in March and I appreciate people expressing sympathy and asking how I’m doing.
      Right now, I’m facing another situation. My drug addicted son has been missing for over a month. He lives in another city and we don’t communicate that often because that’s his choice. (We didn’t realize he was missing until we couldn’t reach him on his birthday.) A lot of people know about this because my children put out APBs on Facebook. I get people asking me everyday if I’ve heard anything. I know they’re being kind and concerned, but I wish they wouldn’t. Ones I’m close to (church members and such) I tell them no and that I will let them know when I hear anything. Others I just say no and change the subject.
      Hopefully you won’t have to deal with a situation like this, but I think just a general text saying I’m thinking of you and I’m here if you need me is good.

      2. vombatus ursinus*

        Oh that sounds awful to deal with, PhyllisB :( Sorry for your loss and hope you hear soon that your son is okay!

        1. PhyllisB*

          Thank you. I’m not feeling real hopeful. They found a body of a white. male who had been dead for about a week when they found him, but he had been outside so they weren’t able to do the usual ways to ID someone. One of my daughters lives not far away so she went in for a DNA test. It will take up to 90 days for answers. I will post when I know for sure.

          3. GythaOgden*

            Crikey, Phyllis I’m so sorry. I have no words other than ‘sorry’, ‘I hope it’s not him’ and ‘if it is him, my god I’m so, so sorry.’ I can do nothing from the other side of the Atlantic but send my whole heart to you whatever happens because no-one should have to lose a child, period, in whatever way they go.

            As you can imagine I’m more of an emotional person in these situations but please, please let us help you whatever happens.

    4. My Brain is Exploding*

      I agree. I’ve found it much easier to just ask people what they want…to ask them to tell me honestly. And maybe it varies by day, like one day they want to vent, or sympathy, or advice, or normalcy. And for those who are in tough times, don’t be afraid to say what you want/don’t want. Like I – so far – have not ever wanted meals. (Side note: call first if unsure! We had someone, thankfully, call my MIL after FIL died and said they were going to bring over four broasted chickens that evening. There was a lot of family there…BUT…the fridge was FULL. The freezer was FULL. We’d had people give us a giant lasagna, two huge lunch meat and cheese trays (which we tried to condense), etc. We asked them to not bring it (it would have just spoiled) until a couple of days later. I think they were miffed. They’d probably already bought them and then had to get more two days later.

    5. Hard times come again no more*

      I’ve been chewing on this in my anxiety brain for a while now because I find it so hard to get exactly right-something I desperately want to do right for people. What people want or need in hard times is so personal! The part that I have trouble with is that, depending on the circumstances, asking someone what they want is more work for them in terms of having to respond and formulate a wish–or maybe they don’t even know themselves what they want or need! It is, of course, impossible from the outside to know if that’s the case, or how much it is the case. And deciding to just do a thing without asking has the potential to be a real headache for the person if they don’t want it! Here is where I land on the issue: I think asking, and possibly additionally making some concrete suggestions if you can think of some, is the less problematic of the two options. Better to show up and be imperfect than not show up at all.

      The thing about flowers and cards and messages is that those are culturally sanctioned and traditional narratives of how to tell someone you care… So I think they can be a default action for someone who wants to express those sentiments without knowing what the personal “right” action for an individual would be. So it doesn’t really necessarily mean that they want that themselves, only what they are trying to express to you. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable asking directly–that is something I have certainly struggled with and didn’t get taught as a young person. I’ve tried to learn to be a better friend to people with direct communication, but I’m sure I still don’t get it right all the time.

      In the end, we are all just trying our best. I think if we can all give each other maximum grace in the complexity that is human communication, that would be wonderful. But of course, that is easier said than done, especially during hard times.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, I land on this too. Even when my friends have inadvertently done something that hurt me (sending a photo text with a sad message when I was having a good day, say, or sending something that required me to Do Work in order to acknowledge it appropriately – like the example above of sending food when the freezer and fridge are jam packed … and even at the level of maybe forgetting it’s Not About Them if they don’t feel recognized enough for the care or being frustrated I’m not opening up to them or didn’t tell them first or whatever … ) – I still realize on some level that they are reaching out because they love me and want to provide support. I’m sure it’s worse to feel like nobody cares or notices at all.

      2. Another professor*

        I have started saying things like, “I have done X and Y for a friend before…would either of those be helpful?” And then giving space for an honest answer and respecting that honest answer!

        1. PhyllisB*

          That’s a great way to approach it!! If YOU are the one going through trials yourself, don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. A ton of people will say let me know if there’s anything I can do, and I think most of them mean it. If there’s something you can think of, ask!!
          When we had my mother’s memorial, some of my friends from church asked what I needed, and I requested that they bring dinner the night before because I wasn’t sure with last minute things I would have time to cook. They were delighted. My husband I asked another friend to pick up the printed memorial programs from the printer (already paid for) and another friend came and helped me fold them for the service. My husband scolded me for “troubling” them, but people like to help in times of need.

    6. anon nonplant person*

      Feeling this so much… my mother passed away a few weeks ago, and I had a birthday between then and now. One of my cousins asked for my mailing address and I was feeling touched because I thought I’d actually get a birthday card in the mail even after losing my mom, who was the only person who’d reliably mail me one (my male counterpart always gets me a card but we live together so it’s not something I get in the mail). The big day came and… a complicated arrangement of living plants arrived. All in one pot and some of them needed lots of shade and some needed lots of sun. I kill succulents without meaning to and am in the process of killing the one lone aloe I have right now! And my cousin has been to my house in the past year so would have seen the lack of plants… anyhow, I re-homed the plants with someone who can take care of and appreciate them… but my cousin could easily have spent $50+ dollars less and actually gotten me something I’d appreciate, a simple birthday card!

  33. RussianInTexas*

    My sister and I are going to Spain in late October. 3 days in Madrid with a day trip to Toledo, 3 days in Barcelona. Taking the high speed train from Madrid to Barcelona and back.
    Most important tickets are already bought, hotels reserved,except for the Prado Museum, these are not available until two months in advance.
    Tips? What do we need? What should we know? Places to see and places to eat?
    I know I need to pick up power converter, because mine walked away. Moleskins for blisters. Get some Euros in the US. Do I really need the RFID blocking wallet? Do you tip in Spain? What do you wear that you blend in even a little bit?

    1. tired turtle*

      For Barcelona: if you love the Gaudi stuff, that will take all your time. Also, (and this isn’t the best help): in the centre of town there is the public market, and the central cathedral (not the same as the Gaudi one) east (?) of the market; if you keep walking east (?) ie walking: market, cathedral, streets. In those streets are absolutely fantastic patisseries/chocolate shop. It’s a bit of a tourist area, but the quality is quite good. If you go on streets southwest of the market (like, approaching the market from the southwest), there are Miro paintings on the sidewalk. I loved the public market for olives and cheeses. If you speak a bit of French, that might be better than Spanish. Native language in Barcelona is Catalan. For 3 days in the area, I wouldn’t bother going to Montserrat, but I loved Gaudi.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        It’s been a while since I was last in Madrid and Barcelona, but I remember the Chocolate and Churros at Chocolateria San Gines, just off the main Sol square in Madrid and the Museo del Jamon chain of cafe/restaurants selling fresh air dried ham and other Spanish specialities.

        I have just returned from holiday on a cruise with a number of American passengers. In terms of blending in, I would suggest not having US brand logos visible, especially if it’s a brand not readily available in Europe, and colour coordinating your clothes, such as jeans with a navy patterned top, or following the advice of an Italian friend of mine to never wear more than 3 colours in the same outfit together (different shades such as pale blue and navy count as one colour though). Speaking even some basic Spanish is helpful too.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        I got the tickets for Sagrada Familia already, Park Güell does not seems to need the tickets way in advance.

      3. Lore*

        In Barcelona, I really enjoyed the city history museum. I also took a tour of the Palau de Música, which is not by Gaudi but has a similar aesthetic and much less crowded. The best meal I ate was at Tapas 24. In Madrid, if you want to see Guernica, try and go at an off hour; finding myself in its room with only about 5 other people was a trip highlight. On a nice fall afternoon, Parque de Retiro is gorgeous; the Palacio de Cristal doesn’t have an exhibit right now but is still very cool from outside and there are turtles and black swans in the little pond near it.

    2. Angstrom*

      Dinnertimes! Our first day in Seville we went looking for dinner at 6pm and found everything closed. The evening meal is very late by US norms. It’s often tapas — stroll for a bit, stop for a couple of small plates and a drink, stroll some more, repeat.

      1. allathian*

        Oh yes, people eat that late because it’s so hot, and until very recently, AC was pretty unheard of.

        The attitude to mass tourism has changed in Spain, there have been demonstrations against it recently. This in spite of the fact that the Spanish economy is dependent on tourism. But airb&b has meant that ordinary people can’t afford the rent anymore, at least not in areas popular with tourists.

    3. Texan In Exile*

      You can get euros at any ATM in Spain. Kutxabank does not charge fees, but I don’t remember if there are any of them in the airport. However, you can take the bus from Barajas to Madrid and use your credit card to pay. (It’s five euros.) Same thing with train tickets – use your credit card.

      I don’t know about a wallet, but we keep our passports and credit cards and cash in a neck wallet. I would consider that – there are (reportedly) a lot of pickpockets in Barcelona.

      The Picasso Museum in Barcelona has a free night – info is on their site and you can reserve your tickets online. Reina Sofia in Madrid is free some evenings. The old post office in Madrid – Centro Centro, right by Plaza de Cibeles, is now an art center with very interesting (and free) exhibitions.

      For eating – we usually have our main meal at lunch, with the Menu del Dia, which is basically the blue-plate special. For nine to 15 euros, you get a full meal and it’s delicious. Look for the non-descript places with people wearing the florescent public-sector worker safety clothes. A friend who has lived in Spain for 20 years says that’s the best indicator of restaurant quality. :)

      Have fun! Spain is lovely!

    4. babka*

      For Madrid, if you like leather goods, I loved Taller Puntera near the Mercado San Miguel (which is worth a stop too).

    5. Filosofickle*

      Highly recommend Casa Batllo & Parc Guell for Gaudi. Sagrada Familia was overly mobbed for my tastes, and I found La Pedrera to be great for the rooftop & view but it was less interesting to me architecturally overall.

    6. chocolate muffins*

      Madrid has an amazing food market that is close to the Prado if I remember correctly. I don’t remember what it was called or exactly where in Madrid it was so this may not be helpful, but it’s an indoor space with a bunch of stalls so it’s basically like tapas, but instead of sitting down at a restaurant you’re wandering through the stalls picking what you want and then bringing it to wherever you’re sitting. The food I had there was one of the best dinners I have ever had in my life, no joke. I especially remember little crackers with different types of smoked salmon on them as well as a different stand that sold mini tacos – getting hungry again just thinking about this!

    7. Flying Socks*

      Re: blisters, someone mentioned to me (or maybe I read it here!) a while back that a big part of why we get blisters on trips is because our feet swell on planes and to wear compression socks when flying.

      Tried it last summer when flying to and from Europe from the Northeast — no blisters despite multiple 10mi walk days and hot temps (95-100 and humid). Highly recommend!!

    8. DistantAudacity*

      When I was in Spain in May this year, I did not use any cash whatsoever, anyhere. Everything was contactless payment by card/phone-as-card.

      Only exception was a very small coffee shop in Cordoba, so used a couple of Euros there!

      Would recommend a wallet/phone cover with cards with RFiD blocker. Mine has it – don’t really know how much of an issue it is! I just open it to pay

  34. Pfsloato*

    I’m trying to psych myself up for Online Queer Dating. I gave up online dating in my 30s because it made me so miserable, but I was on a mostly-straight site matching mostly with straight men, and since then my sexuality has … unfolded, somewhat. I am curious about queer-focused sites like HER versus just trying to adapt Bumble or go back on OCK (which was still being used by queers at least five years back). I’m probably not going to do Tinder because I loathed it last time. Are there any site reccs or tips I should know about what might be different? Grazie!

    1. Dating App Opinions*

      I use HER and some of my queer women friends use a mix of HER, Bumble, and Hinge.

      My friends who use a mix of apps say that HER has the most frustrating interface out of the three and that Hinge has the best. HER has a feature where if you match with someone but neither person messages the other within 24 hours, the app will put a question in the chat. Something along the lines of “let’s get this conversation started! are you a dog person or a cat person?” I find this embarrassing and have never responded to the app’s questions, but it’s also motivating. If I match with someone, I’ll message her right away so the auto question from the app never shows up.

      If you use Bumble or Hinge (or any other app/site that straight people also use), I recommend setting your “looking for” preferences to only show women if you want to date women. The ratio of men/women on dating apps is something like 90%/10%, and a fair chunk of the women are straight. So a woman who sees profiles of men who are into women and women who are into women will end up seeing a lot of men’s profiles and very few women’s profiles.

      My other recommendation is to message first when you match with someone. The societal expectation that men will make the first move and women should wait for men to make the first move is strong, and when two women match on an app/site, it can lead to … absolutely nothing else because both of them are waiting for the other to message first. If you commit to starting a conversation every time you match with someone, you’ll get a much better response rate than if you wait for the other person to make the first move.

      Good luck out there!

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      This isn’t exactly regular online dating, but Dr. Frankie hosts a variety of events online (and in person in various cities) where you can go on mini speed dates with queer women and see if you connect.

    3. Unkempt Flatware*

      In my experience on every one of them in the last 4 years is that the lesbian side of the house is inundated with women pretending to be single lesbians but are actually part of a hetero couple looking for a third to sleep with. It’s very very frustrating.

  35. Morning Reader*

    A Facebook question re birthdays:

    I’m not a very active fb user. I often see birthday announcements and it seems to be the protocol to offer your good wishes on friends’ birthdays. But, because I am sporadic, I often miss birthdays when they happen. So, I usually don’t say anything about them. I’m worried that not saying HB will seem rude. And worried that if I do it for some but not others, the others might feel slighted. I fluctuate between thinking this is the best, most fun reason to have fb, and thinking it is terrible because it creates a sense of obligation.

    So, is it better not to acknowledge birthdays on fb, or, is it ok to be sporadic? (I call very close friends on their birthdays so I do some off-fb acknowledgement. No cards or presents except for my adult child.)

    Or, most likely, does it not matter at all and no one is noticing these things?

    1. RussianInTexas*

      I don’t think any adult cares anymore about Facebook birthday acknowledgements. I think you are fine.

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      People aren’t usually likely to notice. On one’s birthday, one usually gets dozens of birthday wishes and I don’t think many people are paying enough attention to think “oh x never wished me a happy birthday, but they wished y one.”

      The only time I would notice such a thing is if the person seemed to be a bit distant in other ways too or if it was shortly after an argument or something that came between us. Then I might wonder if they were backing off on the friendship, but otherwise…yeah, I do not remember which of my 141 facebook friends wished me a happy birthday last year and I certainly don’t know which of those who didn’t wished other people happy birthday.

    3. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I found it annoying to try to keep up with them, so now I ignore all birthday prompts, and I changed mine to private so no one has to see one for me.

      1. LLH*

        Same here. If I’m close enough with someone to know their bday without a FB reminder, I’ll text them. If I’d have no idea other than the prompt, I don’t bother. And same goes for my bday, I don’t have mine listed and if you don’t remember without the prompt, I’m cool not hearing from you. No big deal at all.

    4. Sloanicota*

      If someone doesn’t want the messages, they don’t have to share their birthday, so if they have it on FB I assume they’re open to messages, however random. I find it a little fun to hear from so many random people, often those I’m not that close to. It would never occur to me to wonder why so-and-so didn’t wish me happy returns, unless they’re someone I’m actually close enough to know and celebrate *their* birthday (my mother, my sister), in which case I don’t want a FB message anyway, I’d be looking for a text or even call. So feel free to extend greetings if it brings you joy – don’t if it doesn’t – and never think twice about those you don’t happen to catch.

    5. Tea & Sympathy*

      My Facebook has been sending me first-time notifications saying “[Friend’s] birthday was yesterday”. How is that helpful? So now my birthday messages are “happy belated birthday.
      I agree that no one notices things like that.

  36. Hotdog not dog*

    So here’s an unexpected dilemma, and I know there are lots of folks in academia in this community.
    My kid has decided (very last minute) that he doesn’t want to return to college for his sophomore year. Is there a “correct” way for him to withdraw that might result in a refund of the already paid tuition? Move in day is supposed to be in about a week, so nothing has started yet.
    (I don’t get a sense that he’s having a crisis, just that he says he’s rethinking what he wants to do “when he grows up”)

    1. YNWA*

      Most universities will refund the entirety of the money already paid if the student withdraws before the end of the first week of the semester. Certainly, if he withdraws a week before classes, he should receive the money back. Not 100% sure what happens to student loan money if there are any of those in play.

    2. Hyaline*

      Typically you can find this information on the uni’s registrar’s website–often the refunds are graded at 100% before term starts, 50% at X date, 25% at Y… There may be fees that are nonrefundable, but the registrar should be able to help sort out his enrollment. Technically, most universities have this all automated so you can probably just fill out a form online, but I’d advise talking to a human if you have questions first.

      This is a busy time of year, so getting a quick answer might be difficult, but I’d advise calling (not emailing) either his academic advisor/advising office or the Registrar’s office and going from there. If he’s not able to reach either, he could try his academic unit (department, college, whatever). The admin who answers won’t be able to do this for him, likely, but he or she will probably know who to send him to. He could even drop in in person if the distance isn’t too far.

      Finally, if his rethinking will result in needing college regardless, at sophomore year he could be still finishing/working on gen eds or widely required coursework. If he would want to go back otherwise, but is just unsure of his path/major/career plans, he might consider reducing his courseload to just generally applicable coursework for the fall semester, and committing to using the many services on campus to work out his plans (meeting with academic advisors, attending info sessions, visiting career services, even talking to university counseling services, depending). If he’s really questioning if college is right or considering switching from, like, music to engineering, this may not work, but worst case for a lot of switches he just burns some electives in the process. If he’s considering transferring to another school, he can also reach out to them to start exploring how many/which credits can transfer (usually most to all of gen eds and lower-level coursework).

      1. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

        I would do both a call and an email. the email so he has a written record of his request on a specific date.

    3. Pam Adams*

      He should drop his classes as soon as he’s able to and BEFORE the term starts. He should also contact Housing ASAP- if his campus is like mine, there are waitlists for housing this year and someone will certainly want his space. If he has a parking pass, he should see about refunding that as well.

      Longer-term concerns- how long can he be gone and still return without readmission?(assuming he wants to return) Should he request a leave of absence? Does he know how to order transcripts if he goes somewhere else?

      Good luck to him!

  37. Is it Friday yet?*

    I was recently asked if I could live my life without limits, what would it look like – and I had no answer because I don’t even know what that means or what it would look like. I take limits to mean no restraints on my energy, outside criticism, etc. I’m looking for inspiration to dream big. For those of you who aspire to this and especially people who have achieved this, I’d love to hear what that means to you. How do you live your life without limits?

    1. Morning Reader*

      In what context? I ask because I’m not sure what the question means. Is it some New Age slogan? Are you getting sucked into a cult? Or maybe it’s a therapy question designed to open up your thinking somehow?

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I think a more useful question would be how you recognize what is a true limit, and then how you adapted to work within it. My health and my finances are real limits on what I can do.

      Recurring theme on here in different guises: Sometimes the problem isn’t what you think, and asking other people for insights can open up avenues you didn’t know existed, or were preemptively dismissing.

      Recurring theme for me re fiction: There’s a saying about how the best fiction arises out of working within limits, and I really think that’s true. Like a story is satisfying when it pulls off a successful twist, but not when it drops a magical solution in from nowhere to resolve a sticky problem.

      1. Is it Friday yet?*

        For me, physical and financial limits are what I work in. But the ones I guess I’m trying to break out of are other people’s opinions, and maybe other things that I’m not thinking of.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          There’s a line in the Scholomance about how her mom always told her that people were too focused on their own problems to be thinking about her, which she thought she had absorbed, but apparently not because there is a very marked contrast to when everyone does, in fact, start thinking about her. (In the “Hang on, one of my classmates is a suitcase nuke, I suddenly care about their potential impact on me” sense.)

          And that resonated with me, because I think so often people are not paying attention to you. Or the expressed opinion was more “randomly expressing a thought to make conversation” than “laying out a die-hard position which I will defend to my dying breath.” Or that real-life people (unlike their online versions) can be like “Hey, that’s not my thing but it’s fine that it’s your thing.”

          What are the things in your life that you are not doing because of other people’s opinions? (Like, I thought the example of The Correct Way To Do College was good–a really good experience for my high-strung oldest was getting to graduate school and discovering her cohort had taken all sorts of different paths to get to the same point. Rather than there being One Weird Trick which, if she could just discern it and execute it perfectly, would guarantee her a given outcome.)

    3. Irish Teacher.*

      I would take it to just mean if money, family obligations, a job, other people’s opinions, etc were no object, what would you choose to do? Would you travel? Continue working? Run away to join the circus? Be a stay-at-home parent? Live in a cabin in the woods?

      I don’t think anybody, except possibly some billionaires (and even they have some limits like they can’t (yet) live on Mars) can possibly live their lives without limits.

      To the extent I do live without limits, I would say it’s about deciding what success means to you. I know a lot of people who say stuff like “I’d love an undemanding job, but people would laugh at me for not using my degree” or “I don’t really love my SO but if we break up, I’m afraid I wouldn’t find anybody else and I don’t want to start again at my age” or “I’d love to do such a job but it would mean going back to college and I think I’m too old to do that in my 40s.”

      So I guess you could take it as meaning to throw away the idea that you have to leave school and go straight to college, choosing the most competitive degree you can get into. Then you can at most take one year as a “gap year” before settling down to your “career job,” meeting the person you will spend your life with in your mid-to-late twenties, marrying in your late twenties or early thirties, having two-point-five children and buying a house in the suburbs. (Not that there is anything wrong with any of that, if it’s what somebody wants, but it’s not the only way to live a successful and fulfilling life.)

      2. Angstrom*

        Yes. My parents never really understood that I’m happier working with my hands than being “successful” in a “normal” office job. Being able to say “I made that” about something physical is deeply satifying in way that moving pixels is not.

      3. Mad Scientist*

        Re: your example of running away and joining the circus, I have a personal example that might help OP. I didn’t run away and join the circus per se, but I started taking aerial circus classes a couple years ago and I’ve learned skills that I genuinely always thought I “couldn’t” do. I can do chin-ups and pull-ups now! I can do so many push-ups! I can fall, get hurt, and get back up and try again! I used to see people do aerials and think wow, that’s so awesome, but I could never do it because I’m not strong enough / I don’t have enough free time for another hobby / I don’t have enough money for classes / I’m scared of getting hurt / insert other excuse here… Then one day I realized that learning aerials was the only way to become strong enough for aerials! And I realized that if I wanted to learn a new hobby, I had to make time for it, I could shift my budget around and make other sacrifices to afford it, etc. All this is to say… if there’s something you’ve been wanting to try or wanting to do but felt like you “couldn’t” for some reason, it’s possible that those limitations aren’t really as limiting as you might believe. It’s possible that the main limitation is your mindset, your priorities, whatever. And those things aren’t set in stone! You can still find a way to Do The Thing. Just food for thought :)

    4. Angstrom*

      I think another aspect is not worrying about what others will think of your choices, or not being afraid to look foolish. Want to try skateboarding? Dye your hair pink? Learn to build a canoe or play the ukulele? If there’s no harm, why not?
      Letting go of “acting your age” or “acting ladylike/manly” or other arbitrary constrants is liberating. “Because I want to and I can and I’m not harming anyone by doing it.” is reason enough to try something new.
      Do things that scare you a little.
      Remember that everyone who is good at something was a beginner once.
      Say yes to opportunities.
      Ask for what you want.

    5. fluffy clouds*

      I would do a bike trip around the world. I read a story of a guy who biked from Sweden to the Himilayas, climbed Everest and rode home. I’d do something like that. And stay in nice hotels, when I can.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ooh you’ve just reminded me I wanted to do a half-cruise around the world (there’s half the world I’ve barely seen – I wouldn’t want to do the other half again on a cruise). I would do that if I didn’t have the limit of, ya know, needing to earn a living haha.

    6. Sloanicota*

      I’d probably move to Europe. I think their approach to health care and gun control is more sane, I like the culture, I want to become fluent in both French and Spanish, and I love the old cozy history feel of the cities (I was raised in another country and miss that where I live now). But, in the real world, I would not do that because I own a home here that I’d be insane to sell, and my parents are getting older and I’d be terrified to be too far away from them, and I have so many wonderful friends here that I wouldn’t want to leave. Also, I suspect all sorts of immigration laws would make it impossible and I wouldn’t get to access the services, the tax situation could be dire, etc. I am actually focused on trying to have a semester or a year abroad in my actual life, which feels like a good compromise.

    7. Generic Name*

      Since it’s a therapy question, I think the key to unlock the answer is in the question itself. To use myself as an example, my therapist asked me what it would look like if I were to put myself first. At first, I was completely flummoxed as to what that even meant because I was raised to put everyone else first and had recently escaped a marriage with a controlling man. My needs/wants were nonexistent. So it took a while to even figure out what my needs and wants were.

      So your therapist’s question says to me that they feel you are limiting yourself/listening too much to limits others/society places on people. Maybe rephrasing it as if money were no object, and you didn’t care about what others think, how would you live your life? A classic example of the opposite is the kid who wants to be an artist but becomes a lawyer or doctor because it’s what their parents want. That kid is limited by the fear of displeasing their parents.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      I would explore more, and for longer. So I would travel to different countries and instead of passing through, I would stay, and I would try out jobs that I’d never even heard of to see what I thought of them. I would do this in a universe where time actually does let you let try out all of your options and then unravel and start again if it’s not great.

    9. Pam Adams*

      My limits are mostly physical- long-term health issues, some of which I can’t do much about. I think my life without limits would look much like my life now. I’m pretty content/happy. I enjoy my job, my family, and my friends. The unlimited life might have more travel and helping others- assuming unlimited finances, but not many other changes.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I would take it to mean limits of health and finances/time (since those are inextricably linked).

      If I had no limits on either, I would take my kids (my whole family really) on a lot of trips for arts, cultural, and international experiences. And travel to see family and friends who live far away.

      I would quit my job and focus on my fiction writing.

      I would probably not move, but would go ahead with an addition we want on the house that would make it easier to host parties and houseguests. (And then do that).

      I would donate large sums to political and charitable causes that matter to me.

      Id hire a cleaner, chef, and personal trainer, get my husband the flying lessons he wants, and take up the cello.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Honestly? I’m going on the “money is no object” premise…

      Run away, buy a condo by the sea, adopt some dogs, quit work, and just lounge around. I know realistically this would probably bore me to tears quickly, but the idea of endless alone time, no one else’s taste or (endless) opinions to be considered, no pushback on the amount of TV I watch…maybe not get bored so quickly.

      I find it odd that I specifically want a condo by the sea because I’m not too “over the bounding main” or anything when it comes to the ocean in general, but that’s what always comes to mind.

    12. Double A*

      This sounds like a thought exercise. Think of literally anything that impedes you from doing exactly what you want at any given moment. This includes the need to eat, sleep, etc. If you truly had no limits, what would you do? Then you add back in some hard limits. Like, I need to eat, but what if I didn’t have to decide what to eat or prepare it? Or, I need to sleep but what if I could do it entirely on my own terms of when and how much?

      Then look at social limits. What do you do because people expect you to do it, and what would you do if those expectations are gone?

      It sounds like this exercise is about challenging internal narratives and stories you have about what’s possible and what isn’t.

      I read about an exercise a teacher did with her students, where she asked them to list things they “can’t do” and change it to “I don’t want to do this.” Kids protestest, but she made them list the things that would make it possible to do the things they “can’t” do. For instance, if a kid said, “I can’t get an A in this class,” then the teacher would say, “What would it take to get an A in this class?” And maybe they’re dyslexic, so it would take listening to the text on audio twice while reading along and taking detailed notes and they’d need to put in 3 hours a day and staying after school at the writing center for help with their essays. They would need to dedicate all their free time to getting an A in this class. That’s a ton of work! But it’s nothing they CAN’T do, they are just not willing to do it because it would mean they couldn’t do sports, which are important to them.

      The exercise isn’t to be like, “Anything is possible if you try hard enough!” It’s a way to help clarify your priorities and also make sure you’re being more deliberate about them. It can help you accept that you’ve let go of some things you theoretically want to do because you’re doing something more important — or maybe you’ll realize your priorities are out of whack.

      It also helps break down what it WOULD take to do something and then decide if you’re willing to do those things. It puts the locus of control back with you, and it also gives you a path towards that supposedly impossible thing, which kind of leaves the path open if you want to come back to it.

      It also shrinks the number of things that you can’t do. It also makes you come up with some pretty outlandish ways you COULD do something, it’s just the consequences are prohibitive. Like, I can’t grow two inches taller. I COULD undergo risky and painful and expensive surgery to make my bones longer and…. nah, nope, not going to do that.

  38. HannahS*

    (content: miscarriage)

    HannahS is (almost certainly) pregnant with #2. Hurrah, this is wanted news. I will wait to be completely certain before sharing the news in real life, but the area where I need advice is this:

    My sister-in-law miscarried her first, much wanted pregnancy a few weeks ago, around the time that I conceived. She and my brother are feeling sad but are doing ok; they have been reassured by all medical professionals involved that she is likely to conceive in the future.

    I obviously want to be as sensitive as possible. I’ve heard that it might be better to share the news via email or text, but any other advice?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I would first wait until whatever point you would normally share the news with close family–after a positive test, after letting that news be just you and spouse for a month, etc. Just waiting out the normal passage of time will let some of the grief recede a bit for your brother and sister-in-law. (An analogy that works for me is grief as a boulder. You don’t become less sad about the thing, but it gradually stops taking up everything in your field of view.)

      From my own experience–I got pregnant with oldest in one try. The expectations I set from that did not apply going forward. So if your norms have been “share speculation that this month might be it”–which can be really normal early in trying to have a kid, to an audience who is just rooting for you to do this–I would discontinue that for your sister-in-law’s sake. But also because you can get stuck in feeling you have to share to the same degree even when your experience is diverging from that first easy marker.

      I also like email as a way to let them have their first reaction in private–I think that’s compassionate.

    2. Two for five*

      I’ve had three miscarriages. Yes to telling them ahead of any announcement via an asynchronous medium. Then the first reaction can be less than ideal in private, if that is what they need.

      And then: be patient and understanding. Let them set the terms of engagement–I wouldn’t censor yourself in groups, that’s not fair to you (and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to decide for me what I can and cannot bear hear) but one on one let them introduce the topic or not. If there’s a good way to show interest in connecting with them that isn’t baby centric, maybe do that a few days or a week later? So that way they know you care and are open to chatting, but don’t need it to be about what’s going on with you. But then also don’t be offended if they need more time to process.

      Just do your best.

      1. Observer*

        I wouldn’t censor yourself in groups, that’s not fair to you (and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to decide for me what I can and cannot bear hear)

        But also, try to not be the person who goes on and on and on and on and …. or who always somehow manages to bring the conversation back to this subject. Many people who do this don’t even realize that they do this, and are shocked when it’s pointed out. It’s a good idea anyway, but especially in this context. And also, do try to be sensitive to signs that a change of subject is a good idea, even though you haven’t been carrying on about your pregnancy.

    3. allathian*

      Congrats to you and your husband and condolences to your brother and SIL.

      When you share the news, tell them at the same time as or before you tell other family members, that way you control the narrative.

      Let them take the lead and don’t take it personally if they can’t stand to be around you for a while. But they may surprise you with their genuine happiness for you, so ask rather than assume.

      And it should go without saying that your SIL isn’t the right audience for any of your morning sickness or first trimester exhaustion complaints, etc.

      I had secondary infertility, I got pregnant in the first cycle we tried. I was 37 when our son was born, and so exhausted that I couldn’t bear to even consider another pregnancy until he was 4. I had a miscarriage when I was 42 and another at 46, by which time we accepted that it wasn’t to be. But I was happy to have one kid and in no way desperate for another, and we didn’t even consider private infertility treatment. I was both too old and too fat for treatment on our NHS.

    4. Observer*

      I’ve heard that it might be better to share the news via email or text, but any other advice?

      Yes. But explain that 1. you are not expecting any response and 2. that since they might need some privacy / time to process this, you wanted to let them know in way that allows them this.

      This is important because some people get upset and say things like “couldn’t they at least tell me in person?!” And almost every time, when they understand that why someone did it this way they change their attitude. Also recognizing that they “may” need this extra time is useful because the reactions are not universal, and this acknowledges that reality.

      Also, yes, let them know before you go public generally, but not by a long stretch.

  39. I hate car shopping*

    We need to replace a car and have been dreading it. The whole process.

    Help me pre-shop. We need:
    – a car with AWD or 4WD
    – comfortably fit 5-6 adult sized people + a dog for 4 hour trips (this will require 3 rows and ideally captains chairs) + some luggage (we have a rooftop carrier)

    We are replacing an Acura MDX which we like but find it a bit small.

    We can go luxury, but don’t need to.

    Our other car is a minivan; this car is largely for long family ski trips that our minivan can’t handle.

    What would you buy?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I love Hondas and can fit 4 adults and a dog in my CR-V for trips, so I would personally start by looking at the Pilot, which I believe has three rows but I’m not sure about the captain’s chairs.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It looks like you can either do captains chairs in the second row, or a bench with the middle seat able to be removed.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I’m fond of my Subaru – though mine’s the smallest model they make. But I’ve browsed the brochures for the new models and they have some very handsome larger styles; maybe take a look at the Ascent and see if it fits your needs? Subarus are AWD, and very reliable in my experience – got to 200K miles on my first and am at 110K on my second!

      1. Belle*

        We have an Ascent and love it but I wouldn’t recommend it for 5-6 adults because the third row is a little tight. We did try a Pilot and liked it. It was bigger than we wanted so I think it could fit 5-6 adults comfortably and a dog.

    3. California Dreamin’*

      I have a Hyundai Palisade and I love it. Three rows, and the third row is less tight than in other three row cars I’ve been in like the Highlander and Pilot. The Palisade is kind of a luxury offering by Hyundai. It’s an extremely comfortable ride and has beautiful finishes inside (mine is a 2021 in the highest trim level, which I think is called Calligraphy.) Highly recommend!

    4. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      We recently purchased a Jeep Cherokee with 3 rows of seats and love it. It’s very comfortable even in the back row

    5. *daha**

      Are you considering used cars? Take a look at the Ford Flex. Some had AWD. All had three rows.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        We love our Ford Edge which is a bit smaller than the Flex (only two rows) but it is so roomy and has been a great car. I would definitely second looking at the Flex.

    6. BikeWalkBarb*

      What about postponing the purchase and renting different models for some trips to try them out? Test drives under real conditions.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I’d probably first consider a minivan with AWD. The Toyota Sienna (available only as a hybrid in the U.S.) is available with AWD as an option. The Chrysler Pacifica is also available with AWD as an option (but only on the non-hybrid version). The new Toyota Grand Highlander (similar to the Highlander but larger) and the relatedLexus TX both sound very promising, but there are not any in stock at any dealers near me. You might just bite the bullet and go with a large and comfortable Chevrolet Suburban or GMC Yukon XL.

  40. Bicycle Bear*

    I want to start cycling. But I’m scared.

    I’ve lived in walkable cities with decent transport all my life, and I don’t drive. I can get around just fine most of the time. But a lot of my friends and folks around me cycle as their main form of transport and it is so freeing. I’d like to join them.

    I can ride a bike. I cycled a lot as a kid, a teen, and in my early twenties, but that was mostly on quiet bike paths or suburban streets or on the sidewalk (the sidewalk only when I was a child!). I have cycled a little in urban settings as an adult and it has been…fine. But limited, because I’m scared of cars and feel I don’t have great control of the bicycle.

    I am moving to a new city that is very hilly and doesn’t have the greatest infrastructure for cycling, but they are improving the infrastructure and ebikes or hybrids exist now. I have someone in my life who will help me to find a good bicycle, too.

    Can I have some tips and encouragement, please?

    1. Charley*

      No specific tips, but sending encouragement! I only learned to bike in my late 20’s, so definitely felt behind for a while, but now I bike commute every day. I also don’t drive and live in a city with developing but still iffy bike and pedestrian infrastructure.

    2. Angstrom*

      My partner was intimidated by hills until she got an e-bike. Getting rid of that “What if I can’t do it?” worry was a huge confidence boost.

      A step-through frame makes mounting and dismounting easier if that’s a concern.

      Start in low-traffic areas to build skill and confidence. You say you “don’t have great control of the bicycle”, and that needs to improve before you mix with traffic. It’ll come with practice and time in the saddle.

      Look for skill clinics or classes offered by local clubs, shops, or mobility organizations. Don’t be intimidated by the names. Something that may sound scary like “Introduction to mountain biking” will be basic bike handling skills that will be useful anywhere.

      Riding with traffic is mostly about being aware and being predictable. Drivers shouldn’t have to guess what you’re going to do. Signal, obey signs and lights, use lane position as appropriate.

      Consider joining group rides for support. I help out with a local club group ride, and it’s fun to see how much new riders develop over the course of a season.

      1. Bicycle Bear*

        Thank you! I think the first paragraph of your comment is something I hadn’t considered but may be true for me.

    3. fluffy clouds*

      My tips: wear a helmet, 100% of the time. Try as hard as you can to avoid cars. I’ll go more distance for less-busy streets- that’s ok. It’ll take awhile to learn the car culture where you are. Don’t trust cars – don’t trust their turn signals, don’t trust their lack of turn signals, don’t trust them to not turn the wrong way on a 1-way street. It’s ok to get off your bike and walk it across busy intersections — having a bike is the best of wheels + being a pedestrian. Use both a headlight and a taillight, even in the day. A strobe(flash mode) light can help cars “see” you, as opposed to seeing you and not thinking about it. Get spoke lights (either for your tire inflation valve or a bigger panel that you have fun with). I prefer panniers to a backpack, but some people prefer backpacks. Depending where you are, bike insurance may be a good idea. (against claims that you damaged a car when it hit you, or medical bills).

      All in all, I love using my bike. A way to combine transport and exercise, and a fun way to really see new places!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Helmet, helmet, helmet. Even if you’re just running to the store or similar.

        My dad was an ER doctor, and they called helmetless riders “donors.”

    4. vombatus ursinus*

      I will encourage you! :)

      I’m quite anxious, I cycle as my main form of transport, and I really love it. The sense of freedom and never needing to wait for a bus/train or look for a parking spot is the best.

      I do hear you on the fear of cars, because cycling around cars can be genuinely risky, especially in places where the cycling infrastructure is not great. So I don’t want to dismiss that caution but at the same time, we don’t want to exaggerate the dangers.

      As far as not feeling like you’re in control of the bike … hmm, it could just be a familiarity thing, but could it also be that the bikes you’ve been using aren’t the best style or size for you? For example, I always find mountain bikes super uncomfortable. Do you prefer a twisting or a clicking gear shift mechanism? To be further forward or more upright in your posture? How straight or curved do the handlebars need to be to feel comfortable? What kind of saddle works best? And, of course, are the bike’s proportions appropriate for your body? Maybe the person you mentioned could help you experiment with trying out some different types of bikes and seeing if any of them make you feel more secure?

      There are many cycling promotion/advocacy groups, and I would suggest trying to find one that offers some tips or courses on defensive cycling. I think that might make you feel a lot more confident getting on the roads if you know that you’re controlling what you can in terms of your own safety. Also, remember you can always pull over and step onto the footpath/sidewalk if you feel freaked out!

      In terms of very practical stuff I can think of (apologies if anything seems overly obvious) …

      Personally, I always wear a well-fitting helmet — I know there’s a lot of debate on this but the risks and benefits shake out in favour for me.

      Check up on the exact road rules for cycling (e.g. how you are supposed to handle left turns, if you ride/drive on the right), and for how motorists are supposed to interact with cyclists, in your area. They almost certainly won’t be followed all the time, but it’s good to get a sense at least of what other road users are expecting.

      In general, just err on the side of caution. Don’t rush. Leave yourself extra time so you don’t feel pressured to rush. Check your own blind spots carefully before braking, turning or overtaking. If you’re crossing or turning across an even somewhat busy street, just take the extra time to stop and look both ways.

      Don’t speed up to get through an orange light, and be aware of situations where cars might be speeding up to get through or complete their turn before the lights change and might not see you. Again, better to hang back than charge through even if you should have right of way.

      Be extra careful when passing cars or *especially* larger vehicles that are turning right when you’re going straight (again, assuming right-hand driving direction here).

      Be extra careful when passing parked cars — leave plenty of room so you don’t get a door opened onto you (been there, it hurt!).

      Also, if you live somewhere where the cycling infrastructure is such that there’s no separate bike lane or the bike lane is largely obstructed by parked cars, don’t be afraid to ‘occupy’ the middle of the ‘car’ lane so that cars can see you better, rather than weaving in and out around the parked cars. This is an example of defensive riding. If the road is really busy with parked cars and there’s only one lane, such that cars going the same way as you can’t safely overtake you, it’s courteous (and probably also safer for you) to pull over when safe and let those cars pass you.

      If you’re riding in the dark or weather with poor visibility, do deck yourself and your bike out in lights, reflectors, high vis etc. Honestly, more is more — it really does make a big difference to drivers being able to see you. You can actually get some quite cool/fashionable options nowadays!

      If you want to listen to music or podcasts, consider keeping the earbud out of the ear closest to traffic, so you can still hear the cars etc as well (or be aware that you need to be extra *extra* careful with visual checks if you’re missing the audio cues).

      Hills and sweatiness can definitely be a challenge, if you’re riding for transport rather than exercise — the ideal is being able to shower and change at your destination (or at least a little freshen up with deodorant and change of underwear, maybe). Otherwise, I would recommend trying to wear light and loose clothing and going a little slower. I’ve never tried an e-bike, but I imagine it would help quite a bit :)

      I personally also *strongly* prefer to have a basket on my bike, because I usually need to carry stuff and I really hate the sweaty back from wearing backpacks. Makes riding way more comfortable, for me at least!

      Start small and build up your confidence with rides on more familiar streets and quieter places and times before you tackle rush hour or busier roads. There are actually some apps/services that will map routes specifically for cycling where you can try to optimise for most bike paths/quietest streets/fewest hills, rather than the most direct route. I think one is called Komoot. The cycling navigation option in Apple Maps is also pretty good for me.

      If you don’t already know your routes by heart, you can get nifty little accessories that go on your handlebars and hold your phone so that you can use GPS navigation. I think it’s great because you can just use your peripheral vision or flick your eyes down for a second when you’re stopped at a traffic light — way safer than having your phone in your hand, and I would argue also safer than needing to scan around with your head looking for street signs, landmarks etc while you’re riding. Even easier if you have an earbud in with a voice narrating the route as well.

      Well, that’s all I can think of, but I really hope that you do get out on your bike and have a great time! Wishing you the best!

      1. Bicycle Bear*

        Thank you for all of this, especially the bit about not being afraid to take up a full lane for my own safety if necessary!

      2. Bicycle Bear*

        And yeah, about the not being in control, I think it might be a familiarity and comfort thing. The bikes I had as a kid and young adult were always “too small” (according to everyone) for me, or at least the seat was too low, but I really have always felt more comfortable being able to easily put both feet flat on the ground if necessary. And I always had “girl” bikes, so it was really easy to move my legs getting on and off.

        Whereas the bike I rode most recently was not at all like this (even though it was not technically too high for me) and I felt unable to stop, because I didn’t trust I’d be able to catch myself from toppling right over if I did. I mostly managed to stop by slowing down and leaning on a tree or a wall, and praying I didn’t have to brake fast (I didn’t, but it was a tense bike ride).

        1. Angstrom*

          The correct seat height for best pedaling efficiency will almost always be too high to put your feet on the ground when seated, but that’s a choice you can make, especially when starting out.

          Riding in traffic involves a lot of stopping and starting, and you need to be able to do that comfortably while keeping your eyes up.

    5. Sparrow*

      Look to see if your city has a bike coalition – two cities that I have lived in had them. They may offer city cycling classes, and have maps/newsletters/forums that can help you plan bike trips with your city’s specific geography. Also, they often coordinate advocacy campaigns to keep improving bike infrastructure, which is cool!

    6. Bike fan*

      Wooo! You can do it! I did. If I can, you can too!

      I learned to ride as a kid, but didn’t cycle as an adult for a long time. Now I don’t own a car and cycle everywhere. It is great.

      The best thing you can do is just start. Your bike handling will get massively better with practice. Your feelings around cars too. And with both of those things, your confidence will grow. Sitting at home thinking about it will make it a bigger bear than it is. Start small! Start with a bike and just go around the block a few times. Go bike to the corner store and get yourself something little and reward-y. When I was learning to jog, I jogged between all the little libraries in my wider neighborhood because it gave me a doable goal and I got books at the end of it, for free, which was a great and sustainable reward (just don’t ask my bookshelves for their opinions).

      I got a bike at first that has some disadvantages that I didn’t anticipate because I had no idea what I wanted. That’s OK! If you can get a used one of good quality, all the better–then it isn’t so bad when you trade it in for something more to your tastes.

      I agree that it often makes sense to take back streets and less busy streets, even if it is a longer trip. It is much nicer and usually isn’t so much longer on a bike. That was an adjustment for me as a lifelong pedestrian: a few blocks extra on a bike makes very little difference, but can have an outsized impact on my comfort and stress level.

      Go you! You can do it!

      1. Bicycle Bear*

        Thank you! What you said about changing your mindset about adding a few blocks for a less busy street is something I might not have thought of. It’s exciting to think of adopting a new way of seeing the world!

    7. Mad Scientist*

      Recently I found that having an indoor exercise bike at home helped me feel more willing / less intimidated by biking outdoors! Even though I used to bike a lot as a teenager (I used to bike an hour each way to / from my first job in high school, and I also biked a lot on rural back roads just for fun) I’ve done it less and less in the past few years and recently wanted to get back into the habit. Having an indoor bike helped boost my confidence since I could practice even in poor weather, and that meant I knew I could do it when I was ready to bike outside again! I also feel like it helps to have all the bells and whistles you want on your bike. Think about which accessories would make it more enticing for you to take your bike out on an adventure (or just for running errands). Coffee cup holder? Detachable basket (which you can also use as a shopping basket in a store)? Mud guards? There are so many fun options!

      1. Bicycle Bear*

        Fun bike accessories is certainly a draw for me! I’m thinking back to child me, who had streamers on her bike handles, one of those orange flags (I didn’t know they were for safety, I thought they were just cool) and clackers on her tires!

    8. Girasol*

      Helmet, yes, and a safety-green vest or t-shirt that makes you stand out even to drivers who aren’t quite paying attention. Being in bright colors not only makes you safer but it makes you feel more secure. Watch for people right-turning in front of you and those drain grates with the vertical bars that eat bike tires.

        1. Girasol*

          I suppose any construction worker’s high visibility color would do. These days you have to worry about someone who’s half driving and half texting, so you want a color that catches a texter’s eye and makes him look up.

    9. LBD*

      I always assumed that drivers didn’t see me, and made sure to avoid them.
      Fenders are one of my favourite accessories; that and a basket/back panniers.
      I enjoy being able to park my bike at a bike rack that is close to the entrance of my destination.
      I attached a rear blinking light to my back pack when I use a back pack, for further visibility.
      A really good bike lock is a wonderful thing.
      Smaller independent bike shops often have more knowledge than chain stores or department stores.
      If your community has transit, check if they have access for bicycles. My community has space on trains, and bike racks on buses. This gives you extra range!
      Finally, enjoy yourself!

    10. Lemonwhirl*

      Check with your local parks and rec department and also with bike shops to see if there are any bicycle safety classes for adults or even anyone who would be willing to give you some private lessons for how to safely cycle in the city and around traffic.

      After I had an accident, my husband made me take a bicycle safety class from our parks and recs department. It was great. I learned how to change a tire, how to safely ditch/fall with the bike, how to handle traffic, etc. We also had a long ride to practice these skills.

    11. BikeWalkBarb*

      Very excited for you, and there’s lots of great advice below. A few more items/resources:

      – Check with the League of American Bicyclists to find out if there’s a League-Certified Instructor where you are now or where you’re moving, and take a class. They teach the basic rules of the road, bike handling, and good tips for interacting with drivers. Lots of turning your head and looking back as you signal a lane change, for example–make it really obvious to a driver (if they’re paying attention) that you’re planning something.

      – The group/site All Bodies on Bikes is super supportive. They have a FB group if you’re on there. It’s a great spot for discussing equipment, clothing, stuff about biking in bodies that aren’t the ones that were centered in bike equipment and clothing for so long. They haven’t posted new podcasts in a while and I hope they keep going with that.

      – If the people at the bike shop don’t start out by asking you what kind of riding you want to do and *listening to your answers* they’re not a good shop to work with. This is especially true if you’re a woman. (My husband worked at a bike shop for a while and this was in the training. If they start trying to sell you bikes without knowing what kind of riding you’re doing, they’re not serving your needs.)

      – It’s entirely possible to bike in everyday clothing and shoes. You’ll want things that stretch and merino wool is a great base layer in colder weather.

      – Left turns can be especially intimidating in heavy vehicular traffic. Use the Dutch Left: Continue straight across the intersection to the far side with the green light, pull off, then reposition your bike to face the direction you would have turned left to reach. You’re now in line with the bike lane or right-hand lane and you can go with the next green light for that direction.

      – You’ll become a better driver! If you drive, that is. You’re probably already better because you walk a lot, but there’s nothing like riding to help you realize why you need to leave three feet or more when overtaking a rider, how quickly someone on a bike can move into that spot the driver doesn’t quite see, and why you should use the Dutch Reach to open your car door when you’re parked next to a travel lane. (Reach across with your right hand if you’re in a US car. This makes you rotate your body and reminds you to look back before opening so you don’t door someone.)

      – Join local, state, and national advocacy groups. They need your voice even if you don’t have dollars to donate. Talk to local and state elected officials about investing in protected, separated infrastructure. It improves safety for everyone, including drivers.

      – If your city has a bicycle advisory board or ped/bike board, go to or log onto their meetings. You’ll learn about future plans and current challenges.

      – Do a search on your city name and “bike blog”. You might find a local rider/writer who’s talking about good places to ride. Ditto for going on FB and searching for city name + bike or cycling. I moved four years ago and found a friendly, low-key FB group. It isn’t a club, just a spot where people post if they’re going on a ride and looking for company, share notes about trail closures or maintenance, that kind of thing. We did a “bakery crawl” that was fun and introduced me to lots of good places to get treats.

      – When you go somewhere to spend money, pick places that have bike parking available. Tell them you biked there and that the availability of bike parking made a difference. They need to know you’re part of the economy rather than assuming all their customers drove there.

      – For places that don’t have bike parking, try going in and asking if you can bring the bike inside. A smile and a cheerful “Since you don’t have bike parking, is it okay if I leave my bike here by the door?” will often get you a nice safe spot.

      – Register your bike with Bike Index and Project 529. These services help people reconnect with their lost bikes as long as you’ve recorded the serial number, description etc. If you’re looking at used bikes definitely check those sites first to be sure you’re not buying a stolen one. And if you’re buying a used bike, take it to a shop for a thorough maintenance check before riding.

      – You’ll love your e-bike! Depending on the steepness of the hills you may still find yourself pushing just because you’re going so slowly you feel like you’ll tip over. (I lived in Seattle when I got mine.) There’s absolutely no shame in pushing your bike up a hill.

      – Practice your work commute on weekends first to get comfortable with it in lower-traffic conditions. As others suggested, you may find yourself choosing a different route than you’d be on if you rode transit or drove. A quieter parallel street beats an arterial every time.

      – Eventually take a bike maintenance class and learn how to fix a flat and recognize that funny sound that means you need to lube your chain. If it’s chirping like a bird, it’s overdue. I feel so much more competent with regards to my bike than to any car I’ve ever driven. Knock on wood, I have over 3100 miles on my e-bike and have never had a flat–wider, sturdier tires than my road bike.

      Above all, enjoy feeling like a kid again! Freedom and fun!

  41. Irish Teacher.*

    As we approach the start of the new college year, what did you study at college/university and do you use it in your current job? Are you in the career you planned for when you left school?

    (If you didn’t go to college, feel free to answer with relation to any training or similar that you did do. Apprenticeships, etc absolutely count.)

    My story was that I planned to be a primary school teacher, but the points for that were (and I think still are) pretty high. I missed out on the B.Ed (Bachelor of Education) by 20 points (out of 600), so I did a general Arts/Humanities course. I took English, Irish, History and Philosophy my first year. After 1st year, we dropped two subjects and took two subjects to degree level. I took English and History (after debating to the last minute between English and Irish).

    And yeah, I am now an English and History teacher, though I do mostly resource/learning support teaching. My current role was advertised as “learning support with English”. Interestingly, even though I chose Philosophy my first year because I was choosing between a lot of things for my fourth subject (German, Religious Education, Philosophy, Media Studies) and decided I would rule out anything I had done at school and which would be useful for teaching and choose a subject purely for interest, one that I had never had the chance to study before and wouldn’t be using in my career, the Irish Department of Education recentlyish added Philosophy as an optional “short course” and I have taught it to some of the students who are exempt from Irish but who do not need conventional resource, for example students whose families have immigrated from other English speaking countries.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I didn’t successfully go to college until I had chosen and started my career, but I have in chronological order
      Community college certificates in medical office administration, medical secretary and medical transcription
      An associate degree (no focus, just a general transfer degree)
      A BS in public health education
      Masters of Business Administration and Public Administration
      A BS in health information management (which was required to sit for what is considered the top certification in my field)

      I am a manager of several teams of medical coders for a large academic hospital system, so I feel like I use some of all of them in my job, but I definitely have more education credentials than the other people I work with at my level or even the level above me, so they weren’t necessary for the most part.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Studied: Physics
      Use in current job: Yes
      Is it the job I pictured when I started school? No. (Though on watching Jonny Quest when my kids were young, spouse and I were embarrassed to realize how much of our image of “What do scientists do all day?” had been formed by this show.)

      I became a writer, which combined the interest in science with a later interest in understanding how people understand science.

    3. Still disgruntled, still anonymous*

      I studied politics and law at university and have been unemployed for most of the past decade. I’m applying for jobs in the heritage sector but, despite a handful of interviews, I’ve had no luck so far. I simply can’t put on the kind of performance that most interviewers expect and come across as reticent and perhaps a little uninterested. It’s beginning to look increasingly hopeless—even if everything fell into place tomorrow, I’d still be about a decade behind everyone around me, and it’s not like museums pay enough to buy anything like a decent home in a decent area these days.

    4. fluffy clouds*

      Studies: physics, math, physics. (in degree order).

      I wanted to be a theoretical particle physicist, and pursued that for the MSc. I discovered at this point that I was smart enough to learn the material, but it would leave me nothing else – to keep up with everything I had to learn, I had no hobbies and couldn’t forsee a time where that would be different. I took a break, and for my final degree I focussed on physics and material science. And, yes, that is what I work on, in industry. I might well have preferred an academic job, but academic physics wasn’t kind to women 25 years ago (and probably still not today, although there are definitely more female professors).

      So, not exactly what or where I wanted, but close enough?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My dad taught high school physics in the 70s and his first few years, the school district wouldn’t allow female students in the physics classes. His first female student actually turned out to be my seventh grade science teacher, which made for an interesting parent teacher conference that year.

    5. casts*

      Undergrad: east asian studies and women and gender studies
      Grad: (human) geography

      Kind of. I do a lot of data management and admin support but I’m also the like person people go to for DEIB questions or concerns (not officially, my boss just knows that’s my focus in life)

    6. GoryDetails*

      When I started college I knew that I liked math and had no idea at all what I might do as a profession – was kicking around the idea of teaching. (Luckily for me, an early teaching-education course revealed that I do not have the “teaching” attribute; I can guide people who are more or less self-teaching, but can’t do anything for people who have trouble with the concept.) Once there I tried a bit of everything, found I really loved introductory chemistry and thought about a science career – and found that advanced chemistry shades towards physics, as does advanced math, and I can’t go beyond calculus.

      But: in my sophomore year I took a course in BASIC, the – well, basic – computer language; the first course in computers offered by my university. (This was in 1971, fwiw.) I adored it, and took all the other computer courses they offered, graduated with a dual degree in math and computer science (the first year the school offered computer science as a degree). Got a job in a community college computer center, learned several more programming languages, moved east and got a job at a huge regional computer company, had a very enjoyable and decently-paid career in software, and overall feel quite fortunate that the perfect industry for my preferences and abilities just happened to get popular at the time I started my working life.

    7. Maestra*

      I studied Spanish and have both a BA and MA. I am a Spanish teacher, so yes, I use my degree! I did not study education and I teach at a private school so it wasn’t strictly necessary. I didn’t start college intending to be a teacher, but it was the career I wanted when I graduated.

    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My undergrad degree is in English/American Studies. I went from college straight to med school, and that was my plan all along. I use what I studied every day in my current job (and the rest of my life). I’ve worked in primary care and hospice/palliative care my whole career, and what I do for a living is listen to people tell me stories and try to figure out what they mean.

      The idea of the unreliable narrator has been hugely helpful to me and I learned about it my first undergard lit coure. The unreliable narrator is not a liar. We are all unreliable narrators of our own lives. There is truth in the story and it may not be the truth that the story-teller thinks it is.

      The biology and chemistry was also helpful in getting through med school. The basic science part is less useful in my day-to-day work.

    9. vombatus ursinus*

      Bits of it! I was always interested in a bunch of stuff so did, like, probably the broadest possible undergraduate degree (Bachelor of Arts AND Bachelor of Science double degree). In terms of actual subjects studied, mainly politics, history, and molecular biology. Then I did a PhD in biology and bioethics. Now I work in science/research communication. I feel very lucky as the exact combo of what I’m good at, experienced in *and* enjoy doing came together really well in this particular job — but no idea what comes next.

  42. Daddy Long Legs*

    Hello, smart, thoughtful, knowledgeable people! I would love some help figuring out an outfit for an upcoming wedding. I have a simple, long, elegant copper-colored dress with spaghetti straps. The wedding is in late September and the ceremony itself will be held outside (weather permitting) in New England. I’m looking for some kind of shawl or pashmina that will complement the dress. I don’t know how to assess the quality of a pashmina or whether it might be too warm for my hot flashy self. Could anyone give me recommendations on pashmina vendors? I don’t mind spending money if I know the quality will be good. Also any thoughts on colors or patterns that would complement the dress would be wonderful. Thank you so much for any help you can offer!

    1. CTT*

      Do you see yourself wearing it a lot after the wedding/have you been in the market before, or are you really just getting it for this one event? If it’s the latter, you might want to see if any friends have something you can borrow first. Alternately (recognizing that this is the opposite of saying you would be willing to spend money on something good quality), you can definitely get a not-great-quality-but-certainly-lightweight one off of amazon.

    2. Angstrom*

      Lots of good color options with copper. What looks good next to your face & hair?
      First thought was a deep green. Blue would work, as would a rich brown or deep red. Pattern could be just texture or a mixture of colors. Paisley?

    3. Le le lemon*

      I don’t overly know what size/shape a pashmina is – but let’s say, if it’s a rectangle – are you against buying a yard of fabric, cutting to a desired size, and hemming the fabric? That will give you a lot of colour and print options.
      I’d be looking at fabrics that drape well, but don’t crease. So: silk charmeuse, silk crepe de chine (heads up, it’s thinner/lighter, as is a silk/cotton blend), silk/wool combo, wool/cashmere (will be a warmer fibre for sure).

      1. Lucy*

        A yard of fabric is not enough unless the fabric is 60 inches wide (and 60” might not be long enough to wrap around yourself). Most garment fabrics are 45” wide. For length, 2 yards (72”) to 2and a half yards length will probably be enough). (Test length by wrapping a beach towel so there’s enough length to go around your shoulders and knit or pin in the front. Then measure the beach towel. )

        Try some slinky fabric in paisley or similar print. There are high-end polyesters if you don’t want to spend $$ for silk. Take your dress in a bag when you go to the fabric store. Fabric stores often have mirrors where you can hold stuff up to get the effect. If you don’t sew, you can have a tailor make a narrow hem along the cut edges.
        I’d also recommend a decorative pin, clip, or brooch to keep the shawl on, because the slinky elegant fabrics are also slippery! Get a big enough pin so you can bunch up the fabric & put in the pin (kilt pins come to mind.)

        Your dress color sounds gorgeous.

    4. California Dreamin’*

      I had good luck on Etsy buying a wrap for a specific outfit. Actually, I’ve found wraps there twice, I think.

    5. Sitt Hakim*

      Consider a crochet or knit lace mohair shawl. I crochet and made myself a large lace shawl for special occasions. It’s naturally super light and the stitch will determine how airy it is, so you could hit just the right note for temperature/comfort.

  43. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

    Reading thread! What have you been reading this week and what did you think about it?

    1. CTT*

      I’m speeding through “Lost City of Z” by David Grann. I like it, but a lot more maggot content than I was expecting!

      Also, I had this on my shelf for ages and picked it up after I read “The Wide Wide Sea” about James Cook’s last voyage, since they seemed similarly themed. If anyone has a recommendation for a third book about British explorers dying while on expedition so I can make this a trilogy, let me know.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I believe The Wager by David Grann might fit that bill? A lot of them died, but also some of them came back and there was subsequent drama about people doing things after being shipwrecked and abandoning castaways and such.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re British explorers dying – oh, there are so many of those! Sometimes it seemed they specialized in tragedy {rueful grin}. Anything about the Franklin Expedition fascinates me (not least since the discovery of the ships); books on the race to the South Pole might also fit your theme. (Roland Huntford’s The Last Place on Earth is among my favorites, as is Cherry-Garrard’s The Worst Journey in the World.)

      3. Angstrom*

        The Worst Journey In The World is about the Scott South Pole expedition.

        In The Heart Of The Sea? It’s about the whaleship Essex, so not British, but might do.

      5. Mad Scientist*

        Lost City of Z is one of my favorites! I read it for the first time while traveling through South America (which felt very on-theme) and I’ve reread it a couple times since then. But you’re right, lots of maggot content… I skipped a few of those parts in my most recent reread.

        Also, I was so disappointed by the movie. But considering it’s nonfiction, I guess I’m not too surprised.

      6. I take tea*

        It’s not a British story, but if you like reading about doomed expeditions, I can recommend a very good book about the Andrée Arctic balloon
        expedition. (Swedes who tried to reach the North Pole by balloon 1897, you can read more on Wikipedia.) It’s a tragic tale about hubris and well known in Sweden. This is a book as much about the author who is fascinated by the subject as of the expedition. She goes though everything written about it and travels to the place they were found and tries to find out more. The expedition : a love story. Solving the mystery of a Polar tragedy by Bea Uusma.

        2. GoryDetails*

          I’ve read several books on Andrée expedition, including Uusma’s; her very personal approach made it all feel more intimate, and she delved deeply into archives, even visited the site of the doomed expedition’s final camp!

          Other books include The Ice Balloon by Alec Wilkinson, Andrée’s Story (compiled from the letters and journals of the expedition members), and Flight of the Eagle by Per Olof Sundman (which inspired a 1982 film).

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I have been reading up a storm since I finally got new reading glasses and a comfy place to read.

      Percival Everett’s *Erasure*, about a scholarly Black author who is disgusted by publishers’ promotion of stereotypes in books written by Black people and even more disgusted when the parody of those stereotypes he writes under a pseudonym becomes a best seller. I enjoyed the book overall and enjoyed Everett’s wit, though (as with Everett’s *James*) I was left feeling a tad inadequate about my lack of familiarity with various philosophical/cultural figures about whom I ought to know more. If you went to humanities graduate school in the ’90s, you’ll enjoy his parody of S/Z.

      Xochitl Gonzalez’s *Olga Dies Dreaming*, about a pair of middle aged Puerto Rican siblings in New York and their fraught relationship with the mother who abandoned them when they were teens in order to pursue her revolutionary politics. I !@#$@#$@ing LOVED this book. Go out and buy it, seriously. I basically couldn’t put the book down. It’s a little hard to classify as to genre, but its funny and serious and romantic parts all work well.

      Kiese Laymon’s *Heavy*, a memoir written to his mom, who raised him while she was a grad student and professor in Mississippi. I always enjoyed Laymon’s essays on the *Root*. Here, he digs REALLY honestly into uncomfortable things–racism, child sexual abuse and assault, sexism, fatphobia, and more–that led to the various eating disorders/addictions he’s struggled with before and during his own scholarly career. Another book I couldn’t put down and thought was excellent, but it comes with ALL the content warnings.

      I’m in the middle of Oyinkan Braithwaite’s *My Sister Is a Serial Killer*, set in Lagos, Nigeria. Responsible older sister Korede is getting tired of cleaning up when her self-absorbed sister Ayoola keeps killing her boyfriends. Then Korede’s crush gets interested in Ayoola instead. I’m having a hard time putting this one down too.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        I really really really want to read Olga Dies Dreaming! I have a big pile of books awaiting on my shelf, but might treat myself to it as soon as it decreases in size some more.

        1. vombatus ursinus*

          Another +1 for Olga Dies Dreaming! Fantastic book. I believe Xochitl Gonzalez published another novel recently?

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            I just started it! *Anita De Monte Laughs Last*. I am not finding it quite as gripping as the first one, which I devoured, but still seems pretty good so far.

    3. GoryDetails*

      A variety in progress, including:

      Drowning: The Rescue of Flight 1421 by T. J. Newman, in which a handful of people are trapped in a sunken passenger jet, with a handy note as to the number of hours of oxygen remaining in the plane at the start of each new chapter. (There are flashback sections filling in the histories of the main characters, so the story isn’t all scrambling-for-survival.) The setup is improbable, though the author did do a lot of research as to just HOW potentially-plausible things could be. A mix of classic disaster-movie setup and techno-problem-solving a la The Martian.

      A couple of non-fiction books:

      That’s Not How You Wash a Squirrel by David Thorne, humorous (and sometimes dark) essays about his life, from animal encounters to ongoing stress over ailing family members.

      Alligators Eat Marshmallows by Tony James Slater, entertaining travel-writing from Slater, about his travels through the US with his wife, visiting fans of his previous books – I wish I’d known he was doing that, would have been entertaining to host them. [Also possibly dangerous; catastrophe seems to dog his heels, though most of the time he’s the one who suffers worst!] I really like his writing style and have had several laugh-out-loud moments already.

      Audiobook: The Comfort of Ghosts by Jacqueline Winspear, narrated by Orlagh Cassidy, the 18th and final book in Winspear’s “Maisie Dobbs” series about a woman who was a nurse during WWI and became a private investigator and sometimes secret agent in the ensuing decades. I enjoyed the first book and several of the subsequent ones, though I rather dropped off from the series as Maisie got more involved with espionage in the years leading up to WWII.

      This novel picks up in the aftermath of the war, with England suffering many privations – and a spate of homelessness, as so many people lost their homes to the bombings. Four such lost ones are squatting in a house that has connections to Maisie’s past – and that also houses someone with close ties to a dear comrade… I’m enjoying this one, though it does spend a fair amount of time providing “story so far” bits to catch new readers up on Maisie’s complicated past. It is more “cozy” than I’d expected, given previous entries in the series, but perhaps that’s intentional as this is a wrap-up to the series: while many characters have indeed suffered personal losses and painful, traumatic experiences, the book focuses on healing and community and helping others.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I just started Drowning this morning, and apparently it might be getting a movie treatment?

        1. carcinization*

          I’m (reluctantly, it’s for a book club I’m in that usually reads speculative fiction stuff, so I’m not sure why it was chosen) about to start reading it too.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I read T. J. Newman’s first book and it gave me so much anxiety I’m not sure I want to read any more!!

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m reading a Japanese mystery novel – Newcomer by Keigo Higashino.

      I love the vibe, which seems to be “detective piecing together the puzzle of a murder from different characters’ seemingly unconnected secrets”. Some of the character interactions are quite wholesome (and at times quietly emotional), and there aren’t any overly graphic scenes. It’s not a slow-burner in the way some reviews had me expect, in fact I’m hooked and can’t put it down. I can’t yet guess where the mystery plot is going, which I love, so I’m already planning to read more by the author.

    5. Aneurin*

      Just finished a lovely 1978 children’s book, Fox Farm, which I picked up in a secondhand shop months ago, about two foster brothers who secretly take care of an orphaned fox cub. It’s by a Scottish author I hadn’t heard of (Eileen Dunlop) whose style reminds me a little of Rosemary Sutcliffe.

      No spoilers, but while it touches on difficult themes it has a happy ending, hooray! I really liked it and will keep an eye out for more by this author.

    6. Decidedly Me*

      I recently finished The Housemaid is Watching by Freida McFadden, which is her 3rd Housemaid book. I liked the first two better, but it was a good read and I enjoyed revisiting the characters.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Still on Stephen King’s FAIRY TALE. It’s so good and I’m enjoying the hell out of it.

    8. Reader red*

      The Golem of Brooklyn, Adam Mansbach. A not very religious Jew, who is an art teacher, named Len, gets stoned one night, uses a shed full of clay, creates a Golem. It works. Golem, who has quite a mouth on him, is astonished and fairly annoyed that his creator is not a rabbi, holy man or prophet, just a schmuck from Brooklyn. Golem speaks Yiddish, Len doesn’t, so he gets help from a woman who grew up in and left a nearby Hasidic community. Just started it, but it’s funny and interesting so far.

    9. Jay*

      I’ve started re-reading Project Nemesis by Jeremy Robinson.
      It’s what he calls a “Kaiju Thriller”.
      Basically a giant monster story with a lot more plot and intrigue than normal “Big Thing Smash City” monster movie/story. Plenty of cities DO get smashed, of course. It’s just that there is other stuff going on in the background. Kinda/sorta like if an episode of Reacher and an episode of The X-Files were both going on at the same time as Godzilla X Kong.
      It’s the first part of a large-ish series and is supposed to be adapted to an Amazon prestige show in the near future by the director of John Wick.
      It’s well worth the read.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      The Ode Less Traveled, by Stephen Fry, about reading, loving, and writing poetry! It’s funny and very easy to understand. I also am mentally reciting a lot of Shakespeare that’s been in brain mothballs since my performance days.

      2. Silent E*

        I was a lit major and Stephen Fry’s The Ode Less Traveled is the best book about poetry that I have ever read. I kept a copy of it for myself as a reference book. I hope you continue to enjoy it!

      3. GoryDetails*

        I have a copy of The Ode Less Traveled on my keeper shelves. It’s marvelous! Wish it had been around when I was taking literature/poetry classes in school – it explains/demystifies a lot, and encourages people to have fun experimenting with different poetic forms. (Pantoum, anyone?)

    11. Mrs. Frisby*

      I finished The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley on audio (I think Alison recommended it here a while ago, as well). I liked it, although had some problems with the main character’s passivity and spy aspects of the story. Was really fascinated by the time travel aspects.

      Also read The Bandit Queens by Parini Shroff, about a woman in an Indian village whose husband has left her but the town thinks she murdered him. She’s okay with that, but then other women start asking for her help murdering their husbands and things get a little wild. Liked it a lot, full of dark humor, but also full of a lot of abuse that might be a trigger for some readers.

      Reread The Outsiders for my book club and enjoyed it way more than expected. I didn’t realize S. E. Hinton was only 15 and 16 when she wrote it! It’s well written and engaging–I don’t remember it having a huge impact on me when I read it as a teen, but was much more interested in it now.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        I thought Ministry of Time was a lot of fun. I’m not usually into time travel or complicated plot fundamentals, but I thought this was really engaging and well written. And funny, and ultimately thoughtful and touching.

    12. AGD*

      Reading R. F. Kuang’s Yellowface – razor-sharp, snappy, thought-provoking, and hilarious (often in twisted ways, but ones that serve the purpose). It’s wonderful.

    13. Rosyglasses*

      Just finished the first Mrs Pollifax book and ordered the next two. Heading to my local bookshop to pick up a Japanese authored book recommended here a few weeks back. Sort of clunking through Kafka at the Shore by Murakami.

    14. Pam Adams*

      I just read T. Kingfisher’s A Sorceress Comes to Call, and Malka Older’s The Imposition of Unnecessary Obstacles.

      Next up are P. Djeli Clark’s The Dead Cat Tail Assassins* and Zen Cho’s The Friend Zone Experiment, but I stopped to reread some of my Charlotte Macleod cozy mysteries first.

      *I’m not sure if Dead modifies the cat tails or the assassins- will report back!

    15. Meg*

      I just finished House Love by Patric Richardson. It was delightful! I borrow nearly all the home decor/organizing/decluttering books I see on Hoopla, and this was definitely the. most interesting one so far.

    16. Lemonwhirl*

      I’ve been on holiday so I’ve been reading a lot.

      – “Made for You” by Jenny Satterthwaite. A synthetic human is created to participate in a Batchelor-like reality show. She wins….but then things Go Very Wrong. Intriguing premise but I found the structure , which flipped between past and present, sapped the intrigue for me.

      – “The Hike” by Drew Magary. A man goes on a hike and finds himself trapped in a nightmare world for decades. Weird fever-dream of a book that often felt like it had no stakes, but I wonder if it was because I didn’t relate to the main character before he started on his hike.

      – “One Perfect Couple” by Ruth Ware. Entertaining thriller about a reality TV competition show for couples and things Go Very Wrong.

      – “If Something Happens to Me” by Alex Finlay. A girl goes missing and her boyfriend is under a cloud of suspicion, but then her car is found 5 years later and it’s clear that Things Are Not as They Seem. Entertaining holiday read.

      – “Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books” by Kirsten Miller. Has Alison recommended this one? I can’t remember, but it seems in her recommendation wheelhouse. A small town in Georgia is turned upside down when Lula Dean pushes the local library to ban books, but then those very books end up under different dust jackets in her Little Library. Flew through this book in a single day – just could not stop reading it.

      – “Blood Mountain” by Alissa Lynn Valdes. Book #2 in the Jodi Luna series about a game warden in northern New Mexico. A solid mystery.

      I also listened to the audio book of “The Ministry of Time” and enjoyed it although also had some similar issues as Mrs. Frisby about passivity and also about how the story was told. But it was entertaining and made me laugh a lot, so I’m glad I listened to it.

    17. carcinization*

      I finally started reading Knox’ The Absolute Book again after a hiatus of a few months. It’s still really interesting/different.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I read Gracie Gold’s memoir OUTOFSHAPEWORTHLESSLOSER in one sitting this weekend. Even though she wasn’t specific about those early days, it brought back so many memories of the time she and her sister and I skated together.
      The writing is really good. I’m proud of her. She seems to have found the way to her authentic self and I’m very glad about that. <3

  44. Angstrom*

    Something reawakened my interest in the US civil war, so reread “The Killer Angels” (brilliant!) and am halfway through Bruce Catton’s history trilogy. Also just reccommended “The Wee Free Men” to a friend’s daughter and had to read it again myself.

    1. Jay*

      It was a fascinating time in US history! Full of interesting and colorful characters.
      I recently listened to a couple of Lions Led By Donkeys podcasts centered around the Civil War.
      They were funny and insightful as per usual.
      One cavate for anyone looking them up: They are VERY not safe for work.

    2. sagewhiz*

      See what you can find about the Wide Awakes. I thought I was quite informed about Civil War history but an article in Smithsonian magazine this year about the movement stunned me. And also was unknown to the author whose massive historical novel about a slave spy in the Confederate White House I had recently finished editing. Why isn’t this subversive group better known???

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        The Smithsonian article is a summary of a whole book by Jon Grinspan about them.

    1. Liminality*

      Boooo, okay.
      I did post the question on the Friday thread yesterday. I’d be grateful for anyone who searched my name there to reply.

      1. gandalf*

        Booing our host for enforcing the rules of the space, really? (You obviously knew it was a work question since you posted it as one yesterday.)

          1. Ginger Cat Lady*

            What you said was rude. You know the rules, chose to break them, and now you’re “booing the situation generally”?
            If anything should be booed, it’s a person who thinks the rules don’t apply to them.

  46. New Orleans*

    Heading to New Orleans for a long weekend in November… any recommendations on where to stay – either specific venues or neighborhoods? Food/activity suggestions also welcome!

    1. BikeWalkBarb*

      I was there for a conference earlier this year. Really glad I took the suggestion of an acquaintance to go to the Jean Lafitte National Park, which is in the French Quarter, for the free Saturday morning talk on the history of the area. It’s the only national park created for a culture and it was a really interesting talk. They happened to have a free African drumming class right after that taught by a music ethnographer and I stayed for that–also very fun.

      Just walking around and listening to the live music on the street is great. Look for the clarinetist Doreen Ketchens, who was playing with her group at a corner near Jackson Square when I was there. She is aaaamaaaazing. Longest note I’ve ever heard anyone hold. She must be able to do that breathing trick that’s both inhaling and exhaling.

      In the area I was (staying at a hotel by the French Quarter) the sidewalks aren’t very accessible so if anyone on the trip is in a wheelchair or low vision/blind that’s going to be really challenging. Lots of holes, things that will trip you up, mostly very narrow.

      When I was there for an earlier conference we used bikeshare and rode through the streets of the French Quarter in the evening. Pretty chill; with the crowds of pedestrians drivers aren’t expecting to go fast and the street designs don’t support that. It was delightful; one of the few places in the US I’ve felt comfortable riding without a helmet (which to me is a sign of freedom based on either good separated facilities or driver behavior–no need to lecture me on traumatic brain injury, anyone, I work in transportation and read crash stats every Monday morning).

      1. PhyllisB*

        Don’t forget to go to Cafe DuMonde for begniets and get some homemade pralines to take home.
        Unless you’re dying of curiosity avoid Bourbon Street. It used to be exciting and colorful, not its just sleazy with way too much shops selling junk.
        The carriage ride is fun, and though I’ve never done it, the cemetery tour is interesting.

      2. tab*

        All the previous suggestions are great. I liked staying at the edge of the Garden District and taking the street car into the French Quarter. It’s a quiet place to stay, with stuff to see and do, and the street car is fun!

    2. Pharmgirl*

      Definitely the WWII museum – best museum I’ve ever been to. Food wise Willa Jean (breakfast), commander’s palace (brunch) shaya (Mediterranean) saffron (Indian)

    3. RussianInTexas*

      One tip – when looking for a place in the Quarter proper, do a good run through on Google street view. There are a lot of sketchy alleys and side streets, you want to be comfortable walking around even after dark. Also, if you have a car, make sure the hotel has a place to park.

    4. FACS*

      Check out Liuzzas for a dressed po boy. Just delicious and made perfectly for years. If you can try the Commander’s Palace experience. Bring your wallet. Superior seafood and the Acme Oyster House are also worth a visit.

    5. WellRed*

      For a long weekend I’d stay right in the quarter, at the gawd, can’t recall it might have been a sonesta. We did a bayou tour and I enjoyed just having drinks one afternoon at a bar while listening to live music come floating in the open windows. If you can’t hack the line at cafe du monde, beignets are good wherever you can get them. Bourbon has mostly shops but i didn’t find it sleazy. In addition to the name restaurants, in a pinch I recommend the Hard Rock. Everything else was closed for Christmas so it was the hottest ticket in town. And pralines are too die for!

    6. Synaptically Unique*

      Was there for a conference several years ago and one of my coworkers is really into Halloween. We went into a shop named something along the lines of “the Halloween shop” (don’t remember exactly, but it was close to our hotel). Costumes right inside the door, tracks with expectations. Then we got a little further in and realized it was mostly sex aids/toys/fetish wear. I have nothing against such shops, but definitely not somewhere I want to hang out with coworkers. AWKWARD. So my advice would be to proceed with caution if you spot a Halloween store. LOL

  47. Esprit de l'escalier*

    I’m curious to know what people think about taking probiotic tablets. I used to go to a chiropractor who strongly encouraged this (and he wasn’t selling them). I took his advice and added a probiotic to my daily supplements. I recently mentioned this to a health-conscious friend, and she said she would not take probiotic pills because we have trillions of ’em already fizzing around in our gut and the amount provided in the pills is too tiny to be of any use.

    I’m now nearly out of my current supply and am wondering whether to buy more, or is it pointless as my friend thinks. What do you think?

    1. Liminality*

      The main thing that I noticed with probiotic tablets is that there are different strains or kinds of… biotics. Some are believed to be more effective for specific issues than others. If I decided I needed probiotics I would research my issue and choose a specific type rather than whatever random one happens to be at the grocery store.

      1. Charley*

        It takes some time, but I’m a fan of checking out the primary medical lit on the subject before starting anything new. This 2022 meta-summary of a bunch of studies supports safety and some benefits, but it looks like they mostly analyzed probiotics found in foods (yogurts, etc). If you’re eating lots of fermented foods, that’s probably doing plenty. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9733784/

    3. microbes*

      (I don’t know if this is skating too close to medical advice, so sorry in advance and please remove if so)

      I studied an adjacent field, but haven’t kept up for the past 3 years or so, and the microbiome field is moving very quickly.

      What I recall most people who knew the science and didn’t have any financial interest saying at the time was that 1) the evidence base is much stronger for some products/treatments than others, and 2) most probiotics don’t stably colonise your gut, so you have to keep eating the product/taking the pills regularly to have any impact.

      I don’t know that your friend is necessarily correct either, for what it’s worth — unless you’ve had your gut microbiome profiled in great detail, you don’t know if you already have the same (or functionally similar) strains as are in the probiotics in your gut. And I think whether the dose is large enough to make a difference would depend on the mechanism of action (e.g. does the benefit come from a microbial product, or an interaction with other microbes in the gut, etc). It’s all very complicated and there are varying degrees of evidence for different strains and treatments. You could do some research on the specific product/strains you’ve been taking to try to understand how strong the evidence base for it is.

      You don’t say what you were hoping to treat with the probiotic or whether you’ve noticed any difference being on it — if you think you feel better and want to continue for that reason, I’d probably talk to a medical doctor about it. If you don’t feel any better, I’d probably save my money :)

    4. Generic Name*

      What are you hoping to achieve with probiotics? Are you trying to treat a symptom or condition? Your friend is right that you already have billions of microorganisms in your gut, but certain types or the lack of them can cause problems. For instance, I used to get diarrhea frequently, and I thought it must be lactose intolerance (or possibly ibs, but I wanted to rule out food intolerance). So I completely cut out all forms of dairy. No change in symptoms. I finally went to a naturopath who put me on an herbal regimen to kill the harmful gut organisms (I had taken antibiotics in the past) and then had me take probiotics. I specifically took the probiotics that advertise as being beneficial for gut health and addressing diarrhea. I can eat cheese again and I’m not constantly running to the bathroom after eating. So probiotics definitely help me immensely.

    5. Hyaline*

      Did you feel better taking them? I mean, if so, there’s your answer. If you noticed nothing, I’d skip them (and see if you notice a change that would make you want to add them back in).

    6. Angstrom*

      There are specific cases — such as post-antibiotics or post-illness– where they have been shown to be useful.
      I think the evidence is less clear for routine daily use. The general recommendation is to eat a wide variety of foods, especially foods with fiber, and consume a variety of fermented foods with live cultures. This should encourage development of a more diverse gut biome over time.

    7. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I’m currently using probiotics, because I’m dealing with long term infection issues and am doing a long term course of antibiotics. My doctor has recommended both active culture yogurts and fermented foods and a specific brand of refrigerated capsules. (Which I won’t share as it feels too close to prescribing for a setting like this)

      1. RussianInTexas*

        That’s what my gastro recommended after a bad attack of acid reflux. I drink no fat kefir (full day dairy triggers my heartburn), low fat active culture yogurt, eat kimchi and sauerkraut.

      2. fposte*

        And I will share because I’m betting it’s the same as my GI recommended but I’m curious.VSL #3?

    8. Esprit de l'escalier*

      My initial reason for using probiotics several years ago was that I had taken a course of antibiotics, but I kept it up in hopes of improving my longtime chronic constipation. That issue is much better now, but the improvement is fairly recent and more likely due to other changes I’ve made. But maybe they’re effective because they’re combining with the probiotics?

      If I want to make a rational decision I should stop the antibiotics and see what changes. I’ll have to decide how rational I want to be when my current supply runs out, in a couple of weeks. I envision myself flipping a coin repeatedly until it comes up the way I wanted it to :)

    9. RagingADHD*

      I take them after antibiotics and it seems to help.

      We also had an episode several years ago where one of my kids was having frequent stomach aches for a couple of months. The doctor suggested that it might be related to a viral illness she’d had a couple of weeks before it started, and to double up on probiotics for 2-4 weeks before trying more aggressive testing / treatment.

      She was noticeably better in a week, and right as rain in 2 weeks.

      I trust my doctor, so now we take them whenever we’ve had a digestive upset.

      1. Loreli*

        Acidophilus tablets are good if you’re on antibiotics. I got chewable ones for my kids (they called them “yogurt pills”) when they had to take amoxicillin- it helped prevent the “dreaded gastric results” of killing off all the good bacteria.

    10. Girasol*

      I took them for various reasons awhile back but I quit taking them after reading that the healthiest people have the most diverse batch of gut bacteria. It may or may not be true but I wondered if taking the dozen or so healthy bacteria in a probiotic capsule would skew the internal environment to fewer different kinds.

    11. Rara Avis*

      I started taking them (acidophilus) as urged by a doctor to help with ibs. If I run out and don’t take them for a few days, I start having more noticeable intestinal symptoms.

    12. Not A Manager*

      IDK if this is too “medical.” I only take probiotics when I’m on antibiotics that I know mess up my digestion. Then I take much more than the recommended “maintenance” dose. IFAIK you can’t really OD on probiotics (per my doctor, again I am not one this is just what I do personally). In my personal experience, the probiotics *really* help me prevent stomach upset from the meds.

    13. Observer*

      and she said she would not take probiotic pills because we have trillions of ’em already fizzing around in our gut and the amount provided in the pills is too tiny to be of any use.

      Nope.

      So the thing is that there are many types of probiotics and some are more useful than others. And some dosages are more helpful than others- in some cases the dosage is too low, in some cases too high, and then there is the “goldulocks” zone.

      Also, a lot of people don’t have all of the gut inhabitants that they need, for a whole host of reasons. Now for some people that’s a temporary situation that will rectify itself, for others it’s a situation where the right probiotic will kickstart their own system, and some people just need the extra help.

      Which is all to say that there is a lot of very useful stuff out there, and lot of stuff that ranges from “waste of money” to “bad idea”. And for the most part broad generalizations about probiotics as a whole are a signal that someone might not actually know what they are talking about.

  48. BikeWalkBarb*

    Any food-preserving folk out there who want to share the sense of accomplishment when the jar makes the pinging sound? I’m especially happy when I’m preserving something I was able to glean or got for free. What have you made? Recipe links to recommend?

    What I’ve put up so far this year:
    – Applesauce: 5 pints and one half-pint, free apples from Buy Nothing
    – Apple butter: 6 quarter-pints, 8 half-pints, from the same batch of apples
    – Hot sweet zucchini chutney: 8 half-pints, 9 quarter-pints, from a big free zucchini a neighbor left on top of our mailboxes.
    – Rhubarb chutney: 3 half-pints, 9 quarter-pints, from a local farmstand.

    Still to come:

    – Whatever I do with the free wild (invasive) blackberries I’m going to pick this morning. Fruit leather? Blackberry/apple chutney? (I really love chutney). Flavored vinegar? I still have lots of seedless blackberry jam and bumbleberry jam from last year so I don’t need to do that again.

    – Tomatoes tomatoes tomatoes. I planted a lot and they’re exploding–just starting to get ripe ones. I’ve bookmarked recipes for a rosemary tomato jam and a smoky tomato jam, both of which sound like they’d be fantastic on a grilled cheese sandwich or with cheese and crackers. I’ll do some straight canned tomatoes to have on hand for future recipes. There’s always salsa, too. My pepper plants aren’t booming the way last year’s fresno chilis did; those are so hot I didn’t plant them again and now I’m kind of regretting it.

    – Citrus ginger marmalade. I’ve been saving the peels from every citrus I run across (and got my staff to give me their peels from the mandarin oranges at a retreat, promising they’ll be returned as marmalade). I have two big bags in the freezer already prepped; doing one little peel at a time isn’t nearly as tiring as doing a big batch all at once. It’s mostly orange and lemon, a couple of random lime wedges, so I’m going to get some ruby grapefruit to add.

    I won’t go on with the list of what’s still on my garage shelves from last year but it’s a lot. I can more than I’m able to eat or give away. I’ve turned into my mom.

    1. Indolent Libertine*

      Ooh, would you share the citrus ginger marmalade recipe? I made grapefruit ginger cranberry marmalade a long time ago and sadly lost the recipe, and don’t do enough preserving to have felt confident trying to freelance a replacement.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        I made a batch last year from this one https://gardenbetty.com/orange-grapefruit-ginger-marmalade/. It was fantastic and I’ve never thought I liked marmalade.

        This one also sounds good https://www.mydarlinglemonthyme.com/2010/10/three-citrus-ginger-marmalade. I haven’t tried this one that has a much faster timeline https://thecafesucrefarine.com/meyer-lemon-fresh-ginger-marmalade/. I usually read two or three recipes and consider what I might want to borrow from one or another.

    2. BikeWalkBarb*

      Oh gosh, completely forgot the earlier batch of strawberry-rhubarb jam. I grew the strawberry and some of the rhubarb, the rest of the rhubarb came from my best friend’s “Jurassic rhubarb” plant (ginormous! and the stalks stay green rather than turning pink but the taste is still good). 12 half-pints and 2 quarter-pints; this was before I found a good supply of the quarter-pint jars, which I like for gifts.

      Awaiting future processing:
      – Around 1-1/2 gallon bags each of raspberries and tayberries I grew. I want to make them into seedless jam–maybe some of each on its own and some with the two together.
      – A few bunches of elderberries. The bush isn’t big enough yet to produce a lot so these will likely await getting added into some future jam or chutney.

    3. Pippa K*

      Love it when the lid seals audibly! So far this year I’ve made my fav clementine whisky marmalade, a grapefruit marmalade, and a plum jam. The grapefruit was a disappointment because it didn’t set up as expected – grapefruit is a so high in pectin, how did I end up with a runny grapefruit marmalade?? I eventually cheated and added pectin and it turned out ok, but it felt like a canning fail until the ping of the jar sealing made me feel better :)

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        Clementine whisky? Recipe please! I searched and found a few–always good to know what someone else has had good luck with.

        1. Pippa K*

          I use basically the recipe from “The Complete Book of Small Batch Preserving” and it’s always turned out well. (Won first prize at the fair last year!)

          3 mandarins or clementines
          1 lemon
          1 cup (250 mL) water
          1 ¾ (400 mL) cups granulated sugar

          Remove peel from clementines and slice it thinly. Place in a small stainless steel or enamel saucepan. Remove thin outer rind from lemon with a vegetable peeler and cut into fine strips with scissors or sharp knife; or use a zester. Add rind and water to saucepan with clementine peel. Bring to a boil over high heat, reduce heat, cover and boil gently for 20 minutes.

          Add chopped pulp of the clementines and the lemon (avoid the white pith and seeds of the lemon). Return to a boil, cover and boil gently for 20 minutes. Add sugar, return to a boil and boil rapidly, uncovered, until mixture will form a gel, about 10 minutes, stirring frequently. Add 2 tbsp (30 mL) of bourbon or other whisky and cook 5 minutes longer.

          Remove from heat. Ladle into hot jars and process for 10 minutes (adjust for your altitude).

    4. Texan In Exile*

      I love The Ping!

      I have a bunch of black currants I picked from a friend’s garden on Madeline Island. I am going to convert those to currant chutney.

      We visited family in San Francisco in January and came home with a bunch of Meyer lemons, which I turned into marmalade.

      My mom showed up one year with 50 pounds of apples she had gleaned from her cousin’s yard in northern Wisconsin. We spent two days making and canning applesauce.

      I pickled a bunch of green tomatoes last year and have been making friend green tomatoes with them.

      We had a surplus of tomatoes one year (what’s up with tomatoes this year? where are they?) and I dried a bunch of them: I sliced them and put them in a slow oven and then later ate them like candy.

      We have a pear tree and I used to be able to make pear jam, but in the past few years, the squirrels have been getting to them.

      I have extras of everything I have preserved, but I share only with my favorite people.

      1. Pam Adams*

        Yum! We have a freezer full of peaches from our tree- the challenge with canning is that when everything’s ripe, it’s too hot to be in the kitchen with pots of boiling water. We will start jam-making around Thanksgiving.

    5. MissB*

      I’ve only done strawberry jam, pickles and blueberry jam so far this season.

      I made 10 quarts (using 10 lbs of pickling cukes) to make pickles last weekend. My knee was completely unhappy with me at the end of the process so it took me until today to make the blueberry jam. I’m thinking it might be more of a syrup instead of a jam, but I’ll check that theory over French toast tomorrow. The blueberry jam has cinnamon and nutmeg in it, and I make it using a small batch process that doesn’t require pectin. Usually my first batch of blueberry jam ends up being super thick but this time I stuck the berries and sugar in the fridge for most of the week so it’s likely that the fruit broke down a bit too much.

      I’ll be making a plum cardamom jam in a couple of weeks. It’s apparently my mom’s new fav so despite having chopped down my plum tree (we couldn’t move it when we redid the backyard so we had to start with a new tree). I’ll be hitting the farmers market to find some yummy Italian plums.

      The pickle recipe I use is from The Oregonian and it’s called Dam* Good Garlic Dills. I’ve made it for over a decade now and I love it, as does everyone else apparently. One of my nieces snags a jar anytime she’s in town and my youngest’s girlfriend loves them too, so he always take a few jars back with him when he’s in town. I also love that the recipe has an option for a make ahead brine. My pickling cukes are just starting to set on the vines so I should be able to make some more batches soon (I bought the 10 lbs for the main canning session last weekend).

      I’ll likely pickle some jalapeños soon. I gave away my first flush of jalapeños but I should have plenty more by next weekend.

      I have lots of tomatoes but this year I think I’m going to try more dehydrated tomatoes and use them for tomato powder as needed. I ground up some dehydrated tomatoes recently that I’d put away last summer and have been using the powder to make marinara, paste and pizza sauce. Easy and flexible.

      If I had access to free blackberries, I’d make a syrup!

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        After posting this I picked blackberries. I have a bunch in the freezer and a bunch more in a container with a mix of white wine vinegar and red wine vinegar (equal amounts berries and vinegar by weight) that I’ll let soak for a week or two. Some of the recipes for blackberry vinegar call for cooking it with some sugar (3/2 ratio vinegar/sugar), others leave it as-is. I have a diabetic in the house so I may leave it unsweetened. It will be beautiful to look at–nice item to give for gifts. I plan to use the macerated berries in the blackberry/apple chutney recipe I found, along with some unsoaked berries for stronger flavor. https://larderlove.com/blackberry-chutney-aka-bramble-chutney/

    6. Six Feldspar*

      Congratulations on getting the jars to pop!

      I’ve tried it with jams before and had issues with the jars not popping or too much air at the top so the jam can go bad anyway… I still love a good batch of home made jam but I put it in plastic containers in the freezer now, and as a bonus I can use less sugar

    7. samwise*

      Ahhhhhh, the ping!

      In the spring I liberated mulberries from the trees in a nearby park. Amazing jam!

      Strawberry pink peppercorn jam

      Peach orange marmalade, peach ginger jam, curry peach jam, peach jalapeño bbq sauce

      Fig preserves

      Tomato jam

      Pickled jalapeños

      Chocolate pear jam (I had some pears in the freezer)

      Next week: pickled watermelon rind, the week after is for making chow chow.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        I take it you have access to lots of peaches!

        I have chow chow on the shelves from last year. That wasn’t as big a hit as my salsa verde.

        I have such fond memories of pickled watermelon rind from my childhood. That was absolutely the only kind of pickle I liked as a kid. My mom made it every year, I think. I need to find someone who likes watermelon who can give me their rinds. I’m not that crazy about it and my husband doesn’t eat it.

        Tomato jam–have a recipe you recommend? I have a couple bookmarked, one from Food in Jars for a smoky flavor and another for rosemary/tomato. I haven’t made it before so I’m poking around for ideas.

  49. Teapot Translator*

    I’m starting the What have you been watching thread, mainly so I can thank the person who recommended The Mrs Bradley Mysteries! Britbox Canada only has the first episode, but my library had the DVDs! It was a fun to watch! If you liked the Phryne Fisher TV series, you might like Mrs Bradley, too.

    What have you been watching and would you recommend it?

    1. Jay*

      The Rig.
      It’s a pretty decent sci-fi series set aboard a beleaguered oil rig in the North Atlantic off the coast of Scotland (I think it’s Scotland, anyway).
      Good writing, great cast, interesting plot.
      I would recommend it.
      It’s on Amazon Prime Video’s (included with a standard Prime account) for anyone who wants to give it a watch.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      HotD, Silo, and since we’re had about 3 weeks of various bugs in the house and low energy, rewatching Buffy. It’s still great fun.
      Also, on my own I finished the latest seasons of Grace on Britbox (police procedural),My Life is Murder (a very fun mystery series with Lucy Lawless, also I think Britbox? Or Acorn), and watching No Offense, another UK police procedural.

      1. Agnes Grey*

        I just finished watching my way through Vera and I miss her! I also want to know where she buys her dresses lol

    4. Agnes Grey*

      I’ve been enjoying The Responder on Britain, a very different role for Martin Freeman and he’s amazing in it. I have a bit of a thing for Australian TV and have been liking a series called Prosper on the Roku Channel, a somewhat soapy one about a family who run a megachurch and all their dark family secrets.

  51. European Vacation*

    I have a 16 day trip coming up in Europe and I’m trying to figure out how to split up the days and also looking for suggestions of things to do and places/things to eat. For things to do, we like museums, markets, cooking classes, outdoor activities, etc. Honestly, we like doing most things. We’re going to Amsterdam, Brussels, and Paris, with maybe stops in Antwerp and Bruges as a few folks have suggested those.

    Current thought is 4 days Amsterdam, 3 days Brussels, 1 day each Antwerp and Bruges, and then 7 days Paris. Does that sound right or should we move some of the days? Can’t miss things in any of these places or another spot we should hit?

    Thanks!

    1. Buni*

      If you’re doing 3 days in Brussel then yes I would make one of those days Brugges (easy on the train), but in Brussels I think the Atomium is worth it (you can get there from central on the Tube) and the chocolate museum’s good fun.

    2. vombatus ursinus*

      How exciting! Hope you have a great trip :)

      7 days in Paris sounds a tad long to me — I think you could get away with 4-5? But then I have a possibly irrational dislike of Paris in general due to a very stressful experience having my phone stolen on the metro a few years ago …

      Anyhow, things I would recommend:
      – Sainte-Chapelle church: the most amazing stained glass windows
      – Musée d’Orsay: heaven if you like Impressionist art
      – Centre Pompidou: heaven if you like modern art
      – visiting Ladurée (the famous macarons and hot chocolate house) is quite fun and cosy
      – Shakespeare and Co: it’s a bit of a cliche but still worth a visit!
      – Versailles: interesting depending on your tolerance for ridiculous wealth and opulence. Even if the palace is too much for you, the grounds are quite beautiful.
      – Even the cheese and bread you can buy at a supermarket will probably be surprisingly good!
      – Do be careful of pickpockets :(

      And then, working backwards to the earlier part of your plan … I just recently spent a couple of weeks in the Netherlands, including some day trips to Amsterdam. We were actually staying in Utrecht, which is only about 40 minutes from Amsterdam by train and IMO a bit of a nicer, less touristy place to be based. Overall, the Netherlands seemed to be really well-connected by train so I would encourage you to get out on some day trips and explore other areas, regardless of where you’re based :)

      Amsterdam recommendations:
      – De 9 Straatjes: nine little streets filled with cute boutiques and cafes
      – Straat museum of street art
      – go for a bike ride to/around some of the fishing villages north of Amsterdam, like Monnickendam, Volendam and Marken (those last two are connected by a ferry)

      Utrecht recommendations, for if you get there:
      – Lombok Cafe (great bar/cafe/social spot not too far from the train station)
      – the old town in general is very cute and lovely
      – the vintage/secondhand shopping scene was great: two places to check out are Episode and Vintage Island
      – hiring a boat and going for a ride on the canals

      Netherlands other/in general:
      – the De Pont contemporary art museum in Tilburg, if you’re up for some slightly wacky contemporary art — also if you go to Tilburg, get brunch or a drink at RAW near the train station
      – Kröller-Müller art museum in Otterlo/Hoge Veluwe National Park: has a great Van Gogh collection, some interesting contemporary art, and a nice sculpture garden (and located in the middle of a national park which is also beautiful)
      – stroopwafels live up to the hype!
      – Dutch-style pancakes are also really nice
      – there is a lot of pretty good Indonesian food around due to Indonesia being a former Dutch colony
      – bike riding in the cities can be a bit chaotic and confusing, but cycling the bike path network outside of major towns is a dream — definitely recommend getting out and trying them

      1. Agnes Grey*

        Sainte Chapelle is exquisite, I heartily second that recommendation!

        The big museums are mind-blowing but there are so many smaller ones that are worth visiting as well – I loved the Musee de Cluny and the Musee Rodin.

        This might sound odd but do consider strolling through one of the cemeteries – Pere Lachaise, for example- they’re shady and pleasant and full of fascinating memorial sculptures.

        Please have a street crepe (preferably Nutella)! And sit in a cafe with a citron presse and enjoy the people-watching. Hope you have a fabulous time!

      2. Hyaline*

        Riffing off the Versailles comment–if you have interest in seeing castles and palaces, you can’t throw a rock without hitting one in plenty of areas in Europe, and the smaller/lesser known ones are often IMO a better experience–less crowded, less expensive, docents who are bored and excited to talk to you…so if you want to see palaces, check other places where you’ll be for lesser-known sites and do that in lieu of Versailles (which almost everyone I know who’s been had a meh experience).

        YES to Saint-Chapelle. And the Sacre-Coeur is an active church, you can go for mass if that interests you (it was a lovely experience).

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      When we were in Amsterdam last year our two favorite things were:
      A)Hungry Birds food tour, and
      B) the Straat Museum, a huge warehouse with gigantic street art murals, some of which were in progress and you could watch the artists work.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      Are you taking the train around these cities? There’s a website called The Man in Seat 61 that has a huge amount of research on the trips he’s taken around Europe and elsewhere by train, there might be some options for day trips or stopovers.

      That schedule does seem pretty packed to me if every day is meant for the full tourist sightseeing experience, maybe plan a couple of rest days in there?

    5. Roland*

      I would probably just stop in Antwerp on the way to Bruges and leave your suitcases at the train station, I wouldn’t get a hotel there. (In fact that’s what I did on my last European trip). Maybe you have a ton of stuff to see there you couldn’t possibly do as a sto pon the way but otherwise I think it would just add hassle.

    6. Lemonwhirl*

      Just back from Amsterdam. Can heartily recommend the Rijksmuseum – you will want to book tickets early. Also, if you like to get a deal and to hop into many museums for a peek, the I msterdam City Card is a decent deal – it gives you free fares on all trams, metros, and buses as well as entry into 70+ attractions, one free entry onto a canal cruise, and a free 24-hour bike rental.

      Zaans Schaans is an amazing village of windmills that is absolutely worth a visit. You can get there by cycling or by taking the train and then walking 15-20 minutes.

    7. Helvetica*

      3 days in Brussels may be a tad long, I’d replace one of those days with a trip to the Ardennes, as the nature is very beautiful (if feasible for you to go), for example to Dinant and perhaps with a hike to Giants Tomb (Le Tombeau du Géant).

  52. The Dude Abides*

    People who use protein powder – any recs for brands/flavors that go well with water?

    I usually use coffee and milk with mine, and right now I’m on a “fruity pebbles” flavor that reminds me of drinking the milk after finishing a bowl of cereal, but I’d like something less heavy on my stomach.

    1. Pam Adams*

      My sister likes the OWYN brand. Plant-based, multiple flavors.

      (I still just do Instant Breakfast)

    2. ProfessionalMess*

      I have the MyProtien lemonade flavor and it’s quite nice for a lighter summery option. I’ve also had their peach mango which I liked less but still enjoyed.

  53. Llama face!*

    Anyone have recommendations for a cheap leave-in conditioner for fine but thick wavy hair? My hair gets oily quickly but as I’ve aged it has gone wavy and I find it’s getting dry at the ends and frizzy enough at the top to need a little extra help.

    I can’t afford to pay for fancy salon products. Walmart is about my price level and under 10 bucks if possible. To make it a bit tougher, I can’t tolerate anything that’s got accelerant like hairspray. Any ideas?

    1. Double A*

      I have thicker hair strands but sounds like a similar texture, but I use the Cantu leave-in conditioner but I halfway rinse it out in the otherwise it leaves my hair too dull. So I treat it halfway like a cream rinse, where I put a bunch in and let it sit for a bit, but then rinse it out some but not fully. It’s cheap so it’s worth a shot.

    2. Anon Poster*

      It sounds like my hair is a lot like yours, it’s fine but there’s a lot of it. I get oily very quickly, and my hair has also gotten wavier and frizzier as I’ve aged. I’m trying out lots of different things, what I’m currently using and liking is Biolage All-In-One hair oil. I’m not recommending it specifically because it ranges from $25 – $30 (although I only use two pumps each use, so it lasts a really long time), but really just recommending looking into hair oils or serums instead. I think I like this oil so much because it’s a lot less heavy than the leave-in conditioner I was using before. I’ve been combining it with the John Frieda frizz ease serum on days I need a heat protectant, and when I do that my hair feels soft as hell.

      1. Llama face!*

        Thanks, I wasn’t sure how oils would work for an oilier scalp gal so good to hear you find it helpful. Appreciate the suggestions!

        1. Anon Poster*

          I don’t normally apply the oil near the roots, just from mid-length down. When the top of my head needs some extra moisture, I hang my head upside down and run my hands through the top of my hair, without touching the scalp. I don’t add more oil to my hands when I do that, I just run my hands through with whatever product is left on my hands after the normal mid-length application. This is not scientific at all, but it does help my bangs perk up if they’re looking a little raggedy.

    3. Water Everywhere*

      When my hair has dried after washing it, I rub a small dab of my regular conditioner in wet hands and run my hands through my hair. I’m very wash & go about my hair and this is a low effort way to tame frizziness that works for me (thick & wavy hair like yours but greying so more coarse & dry than it used to be).

    4. Not A Manager*

      I use thick, rinse-out conditioner on my frizzy, wavy hair, but I comb it through my wet hair after washing and leave it in. I use various styling products over it.

    5. Hypatia*

      I use Pantene leave-in conditioner for my daughter’s hair. It’s a pump spray, and I can use it in between washes to help detangke and condition as well. Mizani 25 Miracle Milk works great too, but it is pricier.

  54. B)*

    Thank you to everyone who answered my question about getting glasses in my early twenties last weekend thread! Lots of helpful advice on reframing (pun intended) the situation. Realized that it wasn’t so much that I was upset about getting glasses, but rather that I felt sad/guilty that it was my fault because I spend so much unnecessary time on screens and in the dark straining my eyes—and now I have this new expense and damaged eyes because of it.

    Some people mentioned that finding the right frames for them was an important step, and I’m wondering if anyone has tips about that? Or just general I-am-new-to-glasses tips that you wish you knew earlier.

    3. MissCoco*

      I’m an optometrist and there really isn’t much evidence at all that screen use, or reading in the dark, or reading small print, or blue light exposure causes any change to the refractive error of eyes (aka who needs glasses). It’s a huge topic of research now because more and more children are becoming nearsighted but there is just not compelling evidence that who needs glasses is about reading or about any particular type of reading.
      Needing glasses is not a sign your eyes are unhealthy or that you did anything to hurt them, they just need an assist to get a clear image right on the retina!

      As to advice on your first pair of specs, going to a store for your first pair is probably wise. Many affordable in-person opticals have great options and you can try stuff on to see what you like and how it feels. Bring a fun friend or family member and get lunch before or after, glasses shopping should be fun! Clean your glasses with a drop of dish soap and warm water once a month or when they get greasy and have a “home base” or a few specific spots you put them down at so you don’t have to scour your whole house looking for them.

      2. B)*

        Thank you! This is comforting and informative. For the cleaning, do the glasses come with a cloth for it or must I purchase one?

        1. carcinization*

          Every time I have purchased prescription glasses they have come with a cloth (whether purchased in a store or online).

      3. I take tea*

        Adding to the “bring someone with you”. I bring my partner, because they have to like the frames too. Take pictures of the ones that feel ok, and look at the pictures, because it’s really hard to see how they look, if you can’t see properly.

    4. Jay*

      I always go with large frames, especially side to side.
      Not wrap around, but elongated.
      Bigger frames means bigger lenses.
      Bigger lenses means fewer blind spots, and I love my peripheral vision.
      Not being able to see things out of the corner of my eyes makes me feel blind and small lenses make me feel like I’m going through a blurry tunnel, with only a small path of clear vision.
      Try to find something robust but light weight. You WILL manage to bend, twist, and wrench them in ways you can’t imagine yet. I prefer metal, personally, but your mileage may vary.
      Figure out for yourself if you prefer plastic or glass for your lenses. Try wearing some reading glasses made of each material to see how they feel.

      2. dontbeadork*

        BUT: bigger frames mean heavier lenses, also. If you’re having to use thicker lenses you’ll want smaller frames or you’ll spend a lot of time pushing your glasses back up your nose.

        Talk to the tech who is helping you choose your frames. They’ll usually have a good feel for what prescriptions will be better for larger or smaller frames.

        Designer frames aren’t normally worth what you end up paying for them, especially if you’re getting new prescriptions annually. It’s fairly easy to find similar frames for less.

    5. Girasol*

      I have to pay attention to the sturdiness of frames because I’m rough on glasses, and on the size, because large ones are too heavy with my stern prescription. For wire frames, there’s such a thing as “comfort nose pads” that you can ask for if the nose pads that came on your glasses make the bridge of your nose sore. When you get your new glasses you’ll need to try them on. If your first thought is “everything looks weird!” don’t worry, just don’t wear them that day. Wait until morning and put them on as soon as you open your eyes. Your eyes will adjust better that way. You should be comfortable with new lenses within two or three days. If not, the lenses may have a problem – errors do happen – and need to go back.

      1. B)*

        I’m also rough on my things—will keep all this in mind, as well as your notes on the adjustment period :)

        1. Girasol*

          If you’re a woman and they steer you to the delicate frames, ask to look over the men’s ones. They’re mostly pretty uni-sex in appearance but men’s ones tend to be sturdier.

      2. Ginger Cat Lady*

        The wait to start wearing them until morning is so helpful to me! I do it with every new prescription.
        And if after a few days, you’re still struggling, go back and talk with them. I’ve been wearing glasses for 45 years, and twice there has been an issue with the lenses. If they’re made wrong (which was one of the times I had to go back) they’ll remake them for free. (They SHOULD anyway, and that was my experience.)
        If you have an astigmatism, anti glare is ABSOLUTELY worth the money.

    6. Angstrom*

      If you are getting a progressive lens, it helps to have a taller lens. That way the perscription changes more gradually from top to bottom.

      Antireflective coatings are worth the cost.

    7. Sloanicota*

      Look, I hear you. I have to go back for a scary test and on some level I’m kicking myself because drinking alcohol can be one factor that contributes to scary condition that scary test is testing for. I feel guilty and stupid for not doing more to reduce my risk. However, I have also come to realize that my brain has a tendency to blame myself when things go wrong, almost in an effort to feel like the universe is more controllable than it is. Noticing this tendency in myself has helped me gently challenge it when it happens more and more, and try to release this unnecessary, unhelpful guilt. Nobody makes it through their whole lives with no medical degradation. That’s not realistic. If not this, it was going to be something. Try to release the anger and just make the best of things in the moment.

      1. Agnes Grey*

        I’m glad you’re finding ways to be kinder to yourself over this. We have to live our lives, and no one makes it through unscathed- you could avoid every known risk and and still end up getting blindsided by something random. Hang in there, and this internet stranger is hoping for a good outcome on your scary test.

      2. B)*

        Thank you!! This really resonated with me, especially what you said about making the universe feel more controllable. Best wishes for your scary medical test.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That’s a great insight!

        Good luck on your scary test — I hope the results are as favorable as possible.

        If it is that test where they go in through your carotid artery to do a liver biopsy, I had that and lived to tell the tale. Fortunately, although I was scared out of my mind before the test–you’re going in through my WHAT?!–in actuality, the test was less traumatic than I had expected.

    8. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I started wearing glasses at age 3, and I’m now (mumble mumble) a lot older than you are, so I’ve had plenty of experience with selecting glasses.

      My main advice is to take your time when you’re selecting the frame, don’t feel rushed and (if in a store) make sure they let you try on lots of choices and are patient with you, because those glasses will be “you” for the next x years until you need new ones and you want them to feel good and look good.

      I also advise getting the lightest-but-strongest frames you can possibly afford, because every little bit of extra weight on your face gets more uncomfortable as the day goes by. I used to cheap out and get heavier frames, and it was always a regretted mistake.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Take as much time as you need to try on frames! If you’re “meh,” don’t get them–these are going to be on your actual face for years at a time. If a style you like is too expensive, try to find something with a similar shape for less money. I did that last time and saved two hundred bucks.

    10. Ali + Nino*

      everyone has given good advice! I also recommend going somewhere in person where you won’t be rushed. If you wear sunglasses, maybe you already know what shape of frame would be flattering on you? Good luck!

    11. The Dude Abides*

      A lesson I learned the hard way – if you can swing it, get polycarbonate lenses.

      Growing up, I almost lost an eye when I tripped and hit a brick face-first. The impact on the lens resulted in a nasty gash in my eyebrow that needed several stitches.

    12. The Prettiest Curse*

      If if makes you feel any better, I was given a pair of glasses for reading as a small child and told not to wear them all the time because it would eventually weaken my eyesight. Naturally, I wore them all the time because I wanted to imitate my older sister, who was already wearing glasses all the time. Sometimes, while paying my optician bill, I curse my 5-year-old self!

      1. MaryLoo*

        Wearing glasses does NOT weaken your eyesight. That’s an old wives tale.
        What really happens is that you see so much better with your glasses on, you’re not willing to struggle along trying to see without them.

        When I was in 4th grade I got glasses for the first time. The optometrist told my mother (I found this out much later) “MaryLoo really should wear these all the time, but for now, tell her she has to wear them only for school. You’ll get less pushback and she’ll figure it out.”

        A couple months later I went over to a friend’s house (not wearing my glasses) to play in their yard. It started to rain, so we went inside and watched TV. I couldn’t see the TV. After that I wore the glasses all the time.

    13. Roland*

      I went to a physical Warbly Parker store and just tried on everything. It really helped clarify what I liked and also helped with the physical aspects (did you know they come in widths?) They’ll also send you 5 pairs to try on at home for free if you don’t have a store near you.

      The one time I got a pair from my insurance’s preferred store they weren’t higher quality and even with a larger dollar amount covered by insurance, they were not cheaper than Warby bc start price was so much higher. So I’ve stuck with Warby ever since.

    14. HannahS*

      For me, the divisions on frames is metal vs. plastic, and nose pads vs. none.

      I always, always get metal frames with nose pads. I find them lighter and more likely to stay on my face.

    15. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If money is an issue, I’m going to recommend going in person to a Warby Parker if there is a brick and mortar one near you. They don’t offer as much variety in terms of frames as most shops do, but their frames and lenses are generally much cheaper than you will find elsewhere.

      Re: blaming yourself for needing glasses, please don’t. My own prescription just changed and my eyesight apparently got a little better — but that still means I need a new pair of glasses! It’s just the way of the world.

      You’re going to feel SO much better when you can see more clearly. I promise!

  55. Agnes Grey*

    I’m meeting up with a friend for a slightly-less-than-a-week visit to Chicago in October and would love any tips/recommendations from locals. We’re staying in River North, and will only be doing public transit. So far we know we’ll be going to the Art Institute, the aquarium, and probably the DuSable. I’m especially interested in hearing about any favorite bookstores, music venues, cocktail bars, vintage clothing stores, small museums, or just generally neighborhoods that are worth exploring. Oh, and we were both huge fans of Nicole Hollander’s “Sylvia” comic strip so if there’s some kind of only-locals-would-know-about-it place where we can pay homage, that would be a real thrill. Thank you!!

    1. mreasy*

      I like City Lit and Unabridged Books. There are so many excellent venues – Schubas/ Lincoln Hall, the Empty Bottle, and the Hideout are the ones I’ve been to most. Andersonville is terrific to mosey around in, tons of great little local shops and food spots, and Logan Square and the park are also fun. Chicago is one of my favorite cities to visit! Have a great trip.

    2. Lurker*

      Architecture boat cruise that goes on both the lake and river, and time it so you go at sunset and will see the skyline light up. I lived in Chicago for several years and this was one of my favorite things to do with out of town visitors. Chicago’s skyline is an illustrated history of modern architecture. <3

      1. Manders*

        Yes to this! Also there are often free concerts in Millennium Park. And if you want to see “The Bean” without crowds, go at sunrise. You’ll have the place to yourself and you can get some great shots. Totally worth it.

      2. Filosofickle*

        My tip here is to make sure to choose the river cruise given by the Chicago Architecture Foundation. There are several that look extremely similar (intentionally so IMO) but aren’t as good. This is by far my top thing to do in Chicago, followed by the Art Institute.

        Hidden gems I recommend include the Chicago History Museum and the Sky Chapel.

        1. Agnes Grey*

          Oh, yes, I ran across that and thought it looked wonderful. Definitely some copycats out there!

          1. Filosofickle*

            Depending on the time of year and the weather, a cruise around golden hour / sunset is worth scheduling around :D

        2. Lurker*

          Yes, good point – use the Chicago Architecture Foundation; they also do architectural focused walking tours (or at least they used to).

    3. fposte*

      Ooh, I don’t know of any Sylvia monuments but I love Nicole Hollander. Somewhere I may still have the stuffed Sylvia doll that was released, and I know I have a copy of one of the books that she signed and drew a comic in for me.

      1. Agnes Grey*

        How wonderful! I figure even if we can find a bar with a vibe like Harry’s and raise a glass to Ms. Hollander that will be good. I’m probably going to re-read her memoir and we might visit the neighborhood she grew up in.

    4. Clara Bowe*

      For fun museums that are smaller, both the Peggy Notebaerte Nature Museum and the Chicago History museum are fantastic. They are both on opposite sides of Lincoln Park with Lincoln Park Zoo and Conservatory between them. Actually, just walking Lincoln Park itself is a lovely day activity. Plus, the Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinder Company (pot pie pizza) is close to Lincoln Park Zoo if you wanna do a fun,good, touristy restaurant.

      And Millenium Park and the Maggie Daley Play Park are right next to the Art Institute. Both are worth the walk and wander. If you want fancy bar/cocktail near the Art I statute, the Grafton has cool food, good drinks, and really kind service.

      Also, if you can, walk the museum campus near the Aquarium! My favorite walk in Chicago is going back up to the Adler, and the loop around Northerly island. The 12thStreet Beach is back there and weather-dependent, it is a fab view. Also, the bus that runs up and down near museum campus drops you by the red line, which is an easy trip down to Chinatown. Almost everything there is delicious, but Chi Cafe, Hing Kee, Lee Wing Wah, and Saint Anna Bakery are all personal faves. And Veggie House is great if you are vegan or vegetarian.

      If you hit up the DuSable, Powell’s books is just down the street on 57th. It is very much a Dusty Book Store in a fun way. I love the Wooded Island walk behind MSI, and 57th Street beach and the walk up to Promontory Point is really lovely.

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      It was a very long time ago that I went, but I enjoyed the Museum of Science and Industry. They have an entire submarine there, and you can sign up for a special guided tour of it now. (The tour costs extra in addition to regular admission.)

    9. Patty Mayonnaise*

      I really loved the Music Box Theater – it is a vintage movie theater and they show cult movies, indie films, and old classics. Seeing Roman Holiday there was a dream.

    10. Agnes Grey*

      Thanks so much for these wonderful suggestions, everyone; now I wish we were going to be there for twice as long!

  56. Leggings Success!*

    A few weeks ago I asked for recommendations for leggings, and I wanted to thank everyone who replied. I ended up going with the Lane Bryant LIVI brand because they were having a good sale and I needed some shorts for a trip, as well. They have everything I asked for (fit well, POCKETS, not see through, length I wanted) and they have a bonus I didn’t think to ask for–super soft!

    I kept a list of the other suggestions as well for when I need leggings in the future–thanks to everyone who responded!

    1. tired turtle*

      when are you going? I’ve never been, but know many who have. Going to see aurora? Mosquitoes will be bad in summer, not sure when they drop off. Not quite Whitehorse, but the doc “all the time in the world” was very interesting about living off-grid in the Yukon.

    2. Ontariariario*

      I did a bus daytrip down to Skagway that included a short train ride through the mountains. Highly recommend!

  58. Mad Scientist*

    Anyone have tips on selling stuff at a flea market / yard sale? I’m planning on participating in a flea market for the first time next month and would love advice! Should I have bags available? Should I bring cash / change or is it reasonable to rely on Venmo / PayPal? Any other tips?

    1. Everyone is different*

      Yes have cash/change. Bags would be good if you have a lot of smaller stuff, although I would expect most buyers would have their own. What is your goal – getting rid of things with the benefit of having a few extra bucks in your pocket or making a specific amount of money? Be prepared to negotiate and decide ahead of time how low you are willing to go. As the day progresses most vendors drop prices/accept less so they aren’t hauling it all back home.

      1. Mad Scientist*

        The goal is definitely to get rid of stuff with the potential benefit of making a few bucks / reducing waste. We’d be willing to let go of most things for free if someone is really enthusiastic about the item / no one else wants to buy it. After the market, we’ll probably donate any leftovers anyway, except for some art supplies we could probably still use (but would be willing to part with if anyone wants them). I was considering bringing some art we’ve made over the years but don’t have space to display (my partner and I do resin art, woodworking, and dried floral arrangements) but I’m clueless about how to set the price for artwork when it was initially made just for fun!

        1. Everyone is different*

          For art work maybe check out etsy for similar items? This should give you an idea of what people who are trying to make money think this is worth but try for at least covering the estimated cost of materials + a little profit.
          And if you have anything particularly fragile some type of cushioning material or box would be nice.

    2. YNWA*

      Bring cash, small bills mostly. Coins are not usually exchanged all that often. A lot of people don’t like Venmo, CashApp, Paypal, etc etc so having cash on hand and ready to make change is really important.

      Bags are appreciated, not necessary.

      Be prepared to haggle. A lot. People at these types of venues want to haggle because they want to feel like not only did they get a good deal but that they successfully got a stellar deal. Be aware of what your bottom is on any given item so it doesn’t sting so much when people attempt to low-ball you.

      Along with that, be prepared to talk and to hear a lot of stories. People like to relay why they’re buying something and sometimes that can take up time. While this is going on, keep an eye on your booth because if you’re distracted with one customer, it’s easier for someone to walk off with another item.

      Be aware of the people who will ask you to hold something aside for them and then just completely disappear. Tell them you’ll set an item aside for a set amount of time and then after that, it’s for sale again. Don’t be afraid to take a better offer on an item that’s been set aside, that’s how the game is played.

      Bring water and food. These things can be a slog and if you don’t have someone to spell you, it can get extremely long and you can’t always trust the people around you to watch your stuff while you run to get food/drink. Using the restroom is different because it usually doesn’t take as long so people will watch your stuff (however, it has happened to me where things do walk off). Also, ibuprofren/aspirin/whatever pain relief you choose as it can be a long day, a loud day, or a long day on your feet (consider a chair if possible just to take some of the strain off).

      I’m not trying to scare you, but I’ve done a number of flea markets, comic book shows, yard sales and these are things I wish I’d known in advance.

      1. Mad Scientist*

        Excellent advice, thank you! Luckily I’ve attended this specific flea market as a customer a few times (I used to live across the street from the park where it happens twice a year) so I sorta know what to expect in terms of how busy it gets, but obviously it’s different if you’re selling. I didn’t even think about the socializing aspect (talking and hearing stories) and as an introvert that’s kinda intimidating so I really appreciate the warning! I’ll probably make my husband do most of the talking and haggling lol

    3. vombatus ursinus*

      For my two cents, I don’t think you need to offer bags, but maybe some cardboard boxes to carry things in would be handy if you’re selling kind of bulky things like homewares? But I think it would be a very nice gesture, not expected :)

      I also think having the ability to accept cash would probably be a good idea — it just broadens your customer base that little bit more (with the caveat that I don’t live in the US and don’t have a good sense of how ubiquitous the other apps you mention are).

      1. YNWA*

        The apps are fairly ubiquitous, except in the case of thrift/flea/comic con situations where most people still roll with cash.

    4. Girasol*

      Flea markets are fun. There always seems to be a party atmosphere. You’ll want to bring a friend if you can. We used to have flea market regulars swarm us as soon as we arrived, trying to get a deal on the best stuff before anyone else got there. Some would crawl right into the truck and try to grab stuff out. It helps to have one to fend off the over-eager while the other gets set up. It’s good to have someone to take over while you go for coffee and funnel cakes too. Bring plenty of change and something to use as a cash box, like maybe a belt pouch. If getting rid of stuff is the objective, you can pack up leftovers at about 2:00 as the crowd thins and take it all to donate to a second hand store.

    5. Flower*

      If you are selling clothes or jewelry, make sure you have a mirror (even a hand mirror). Also bring a hand fan in case it gets hot! Have fun.

    6. Anono-me*

      When we do a yard sale, the goal to have other people pay to haul away our clutter.
      This is what we do:

      We wear carpenter’s aprons for cash. (A few dollars at a hardware/home improvement store) I think a cash box is both easy to walk away from and walk away with.

      We have whatever spare grocery bags that were in the pantry.

      Everything is priced to be divisible by a quarter. ( If it isn’t worth $.25 it is either free or sold as a bunch. )And we start with $20 in quarters and $20 in ones.

      I like to dicker, but my partner hates it. So we compromise. I dicker over the big ticket items only. Then we tell people that MOST items get discounted the last 3 or 4 hours of the sale. (We put away anything we don’t want to discount to avoid stress.) 25% off between 4 and 3 hours to go, 50% off between 3 and 2 hours to go, 75% off between 2 and 1 hour to close, and free the last hour.

      We have a cooler with cold bottles of water. (Unless one of the neighbor kids sets up a stand.)

      We have a sign that says ‘No bathroom available. All items as is. Not responsible for accidents. All sales final. No $100 bills.”

      We have an extension cord available for electronics.

      Other than a few large $ preagreed to items; Nothing comes back in the house. Everything either goes to charity or the trash.

      I think of flea markets as more side gigs and yard sales as more of a once or twice a year thing.

  59. Just Curious*

    Does anyone have a cool tissue box cover?

    I only like the tissue box designs from Kleenex and generic brands sometimes, so the thought of getting a tissue box cover crossed my mind recently, though I haven’t seen any I personally like enough to buy in google searches yet. I know someone who has a skydiver cover and someone else has a couch cover that are pretty cool. What about you guys?

    1. Double A*

      I use several tissue box covers but I’ve just gotten them at thrift stores. I like to look for low-urgency items like that used.

      Oh wait. I do have a plain one I got years ago at Bed Bath and Beyond.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I have the white plastic ones that look like square houses with a chimney that you pull the tissue through and it looks like smoke. I am unreasonably tickled every time I use them.

    4. CTT*

      I do! My BIL got me one for Christmas; it’s a print of a cancan dancer and the tissues create the skirt. The hole is slightly too small, so I have to carefully wedge a tissue out, but it looks too cool to care.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I generally try to buy tissue boxes with illustrations/decorations that I like, so I don’t need a special box. There are a few brands that have handsome landscape designs, and a few others with styles/colors that match my bathroom or living room – but it would be nice to have a permanent box in a style I liked, so I could buy whatever tissues were available… [That one that looks like a stack of books is appealing, and would fit right in with my stacks-of-books decor {grin}.]

  60. Manders*

    I’ve been into making smoothies lately for breakfast, but I pretty much do the same one over and over. Any additions you would recommend? I currently do (for 2 smoothies) a banana, some frozen berries and maybe some frozen peaches, 1/2 C yogurt, 1/2 C quick-cook oatmeal, plus water to make it more drinkable.

    1. MissB*

      My recipe is a cup and a half of almond milk, a tsp of chia seeds, a scoop of soy protein powder, a third of a cup of plain Greek yogurt and a cup of frozen berries.

    2. Just a name*

      We had a pre-approval letter. How much our bank would qualify us for. That way we had an idea of what we could afford. We also wrote finance terms into the offer so if we didn’t get the loan at the rate we wanted we could walk. First place, our closing attorney discovered that the bank had put in a rate that was higher than our offer. He made a few calls and we got the rate we had in the offer. Saved us a bunch of money. I’m not up on the current market and how a contingency based on loan rate would go. I will note we were working simultaneously with a realtor. The seller was highly motivated. It was 1992..ymmv. We’ve bought a total of 3 houses over the years but that was the hardest. So much we didn’t know. 3rd house, the market was HOT, we had been outbid 3 times. So, again, having a realtor to guide you through is also crucial.

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      I do about a cup of kefir and half cup cashews in the blender. Soak for five minutes or so. Then add frozen or fresh fruit (these days it’s mango and blueberries, a banana if it is ripe) a squeeze of honey, hemp or chia seeds, and some ice. The ice is to thin it out and make it cold. If I’m not sharing with my kids I will also add a chunk of fresh ginger. If I want it to have more bulk, I’ll add some oatmeal (dry) to the kefir and cashew soak.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      Based on my two favourites at Boost Juice:
      – banana, honey, plain yogurt, cocoa powder, milk, peanut butter
      – mango, passionfruit, plain yogurt, milk or juice

    5. Anon Poster*

      When I’m looking to add variety to the fruit in my smoothie, I’ll go look at the pre-made smoothie packs in the frozen section at the grocery store, then buy frozen fruit to match whichever one looks good. The last time I did this, the pack I tried to duplicate had carrots in it, so now I add carrots to my smoothies sometimes because they are pretty sweet, after all.

    6. The Dude Abides*

      My go-to is usually

      – 1 cup coffee
      – 2 tbsp natural peanut butter
      – 1-2 scoops protein powder
      – top off with milk

    8. Ali + Nino*

      I found a website called Detoxinista – I think the name is silly but she has some great recipes for smoothies and shakes. enjoy!

  61. Great Beyond*

    First time home buyer here. I’m looking to buy a condo. I’m not sure what my first steps should be. Should I get approved for a loan first? Get a realtor first? I’ve done a little research and some say you should get approved first, while others say to wait. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

    1. Filosofickle*

      Both times I’ve bought, I had a realtor in place first and they recommended a lender. But before that I did a lot of legwork — going to open houses to learn about neighborhoods and price points plus using lending calculators to get a feel for rates, fees, and what I’d be approved for. Once I got serious, though, I got that approval in hand. (That’s nearly a requirement in my market, an offer isn’t even taken seriously without it.)

      My (unsolicited) advice for buying a condo is chase down as much HOA paperwork as you can. Look at the board meeting minutes, financials, maintenance schedules, reputation — everything — and walk away if they don’t have strong reserves and management. Read the CC&Rs line by line, know what you’re agreeing to. Lastly, understand that your inspection only covers “studs in” — meaning they only look at what’s inside the unit. The condition of the overall property and exterior is not considered at all in the inspection unless you explicitly ask and pay for that.

    2. Six Feldspar*

      Ymmv depending on your local country’s laws, but I got pre-approval with a couple of banks before I went searching. They both gave me letters along the lines of “based on her circumstances and our current rates, we are willing to lend Six Feldspar this amount of money”.

      Doing this first gave me an idea of how much I was willing to pay which was significantly less than what the banks were willing to lend me, but good to know what their estimated limit was too. It gave me a couple of contacts at the bank and it meant I’d done the first step to getting a loan already so if I’d found a house in my first week of searching that I desperately wanted to buy, I could have got the process going with one of those banks faster. It also let the real estate agents know that I was seriously considering buying.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Open houses are really useful for figuring out what your budget buys in this neighborhood. They calibrate your expectations so you will know a good deal for you when it appears.

      Open houses can also be a good way to come across a realtor who clicks with you. Word of mouth also works, if you know anyone who bought in the past few years, or knows someone who did.

      Pre-approved for a loan:
      • Tells you what your realistic budget is. (Which should be under the maximum amount they would lend you–lots of people do themselves in by shopping at the top of their price point and then celebrating the home purchase with a huge car or furniture shopping spree, which knocks their credit down, killing the potential mortgage.)
      • Tells potential buyers that you would have no problem getting a loan for the amount of your offer, which is often a minimum standard for them considering your offer at all.

      You don’t have to stick with the pre-approval bank for the final financing. The pre-approval says “Yup, we looked through this person’s finances and they would qualify for a loan equal to the amount in their offer.” Pre-approval usually takes a few weeks, which is one reason to get it once you’re ready to seriously start looking.

    4. Generic Name*

      If you are looking at listings online, I encourage you to NOT look at anything above your price range. You will inadvertently calibrate your expectations to the higher budget so anything actually within your budget will look dumpy in comparison. There have been lots of first time homebuyers who have asked questions on the weekend forums, so searching the website should bring up tons of tips and advice.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        That’s great advice. Ugh. When I was searching, I made the mistake of joining my parents at an open house for a place they were looking at, and it was so much nicer than anything I’d seen…literally, we had just come from a house in my price range that had NO SINK in its one bathroom. I repeat, NO SINK! A toilet and a bathtub. No sink!! And to go from that to walking through a gorgeous huge new construction home with a giant kitchen and no visible defects was rough, and it was a few weeks before I managed to recalibrate and pick my own search back up.

        1. Generic Name*

          You poor thing! I learned this when my husband at the time kept sending me pictures of houses in the $2M range when our range was more like one less zero than that. I’d look at the expensive house and then at stuff we could afford and it was kinda depressing until I told him to stop fantasy shopping.

    5. tired turtle*

      Figure out your budget and stick to it! Where I live real estate agents get paid a percentage of sale price, so they are *always* pushing you to go higher than you want.

    6. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I would get pre-approved first–for me, this felt like the most overwhelming hurdle, and once I’d done it (and found it wasn’t that hard), I was less anxious about the search. It also gives you a clearer sense of your budget, though a lot of lenders will approve you for ridiculously more than you can actually pay; though I found the conversations with them helpful, because they tended to frame it as “how much are you comfortable spending per month on a house?” and then worked back from there and my down payment to give me a better sense for my budget.

      Also, lenders might be able to introduce you to programs you didn’t know about…mine introduced me to a montage program for first-time buyers my state offers, with lower interest rates, and which I had no idea about until I met with her, and also told me about applying for a homestead exemption once I’d moved in–another thing I didn’t know about, which will save me over $1K in taxes each year. Some may also be able to point you towards other first-time buyer programs in your area…I unfortunately just missed qualifying for some of these, but it was still good to know what’s out there. I would definitely recommend working with a local lender, because they’ll know more about your area and give you better guidance than someplace like Rocket Mortgage; and talk with a few lenders, which will help you find your best options.

      Another reason to do get pre-approved first: if you see a place you love, you’re ready to move quickly. Good luck!

    7. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I got approved for a loan first, but I also knew that I wanted to get a mortgage specifically through my credit union so I had a clear starting point there (I wanted to deal with a local lender who kept loans in-house rather than reselling them).

  62. roman blinds? curtains?*

    Has anyone ever made their own roman blinds before? tips, tricks, tutorials? I have a piece of fabric that I love for curtains, but I don’t quite have the 2x I need for pleated curtains, and I’d really like to use it for a window covering. I don’t really like the panel curtain look, so casting about for other ideas (those are welcome too).

  63. Falling Diphthong*

    Interesting question from Philip Bump: Do you think you could beat a specific Olympic athlete in an event that is not their own?

    Me: Nope.

    Spouse: We realized that, assuming some basketball players don’t know how to sail, he could probably beat them based on knowing how to sail upwind, and a lot of them being too tall to really fit in the boat.

    Similarly my daughter could probably beat someone who has never been on a horse in something equine.

    The discussion there did quickly settle on the rule that the athlete had to go into this cold for the poster to have any shot at all. Let them train and: these people know how to train.

    1. Angstrom*

      Sailing is a good one because that requires familiarity with specialized equipment. Someone who’s never been in a small boat/done archery or shooting/paddled a kayak/ridden a horse/etc. would be at a great disadvantage even against a moderately skilled amatuer.

      In a broader sense, I used to do a thought experiment of what a decathalon would look like if I designed it so I’d have the best chance of winning, and events could be anything — not just athletic. So the ten events might include cycling, baking, sailing, speed reading, etc…..

      2. MissCoco*

        *maybe* equestrian, but the problem is those events have eliminations, so it’s not just that the less terrible person wins, we would both need to complete the event, and I am really not sure I am brave enough to even attempt most of the eventing or stadium jumps.

        I think my husband could probably take on some athletes in breaking, but I am sure there are good dancers in plenty of events, so selecting his opponent would be difficult.

    2. Alex*

      I’m pretty good at pistol shooting! I can’t see that skill overlapping much with say, swimming.

    3. Jay*

      I might be able to out shoot someone who has never picked up a firearm before.
      Back when I was at my strongest and most athletic, I could easily outmatch small female athletes who had never trained for strength at some pure strength events. 210 pounds of farm labor hardened muscles will do that for you.
      Again, years ago, at my best, I could probably beat a small non-wrestler at wrestling. I was captain of my highschool team, so that, plus farm muscles, would have made me mildly effective.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Fun question! Would definitely agree that (a) if the Olympic athletes had to go in cold and (b) the event required some technical knowledge that I had and they didn’t, I *might* have a chance – but even then I don’t think I’d bet on it.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      If it was literally “Surprise! Here, put on this outfit and the event starts as soon as you’re dressed, no warning or coaching”, I could possibly “beat” an athlete who had no previous awareness of fencing at foil just because they’d probably do something accidentally disqualifying faster than I would since my 1 semester of fencing club might help me remember allowed stances. Given an hour or two with a coach or access to the internet and I doubt I’d keep my advantage, though.

      Under those circumstances of absolute surprise and no previous awareness of the sport, possibly also rhythmic gymnastics if they went first, since if they had no idea what sorts of things they were supposed to try to be doing with that apparatus they’d probably waste a lot of time figuring out the possibility space. I suspect that I could fake an improvised rhythmic gymnastics routine better than, say, the average male US golfer even if they were in much better physical shape. I suspect this advantage would also erode quickly if they were given advanced warning and access to coaching, but it might take a little longer to pick up than fencing.

  64. RagingADHD*

    I know it’s late, but I just found out about something I thought folks here might want to know about / participate in.

    Postcards For Swing States https://turnoutpac.org/postcards/ will send any US volunteer a package of postcards and addresses designed to encourage turnout in key states. They also provide wording for the messages that has been split-tested to maximize effectiveness.

    You pick which state you want to write to, and the number of cards you think you can mail by October. You provide the postage.

    They have data showing the effectiveness of the program in 2020 and the midterms. I just ordered mine.

    1. Georgia Voter*

      Just my 2 cents–as someone who regularly receives these postcards, I chuck them straight into my recycling bin. I don’t appreciate unsolicited mail, regardless of the political party, and it bothers me that my name and address are used in this way.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Well, voter rolls are public record, and the recommended messages say things like “thank you for being a voter,” so I don’t think it does anyone harm.

        Stats show it increases turnout an average of 1.4 percent, which is enough to flip a district or a state. It seems that enough people feel differently than you to make it worthwhile.

  65. Really Named Jane*

    I’ve had a friend, Patti, for about 4 years. She’s sweet, loving, and caring–but she’s also emotionally exhausting. She was abused as a child and then as an adult, got out of 2 abusive relationships. She’s finally working now, but she’s not yet stable financially, and she’s living in a motel paid for by her new boyfriend.

    I’ve tried to be empathetic and listen because she’s lost everything in the past couple of years and she was isolated and doesn’t have other friends. But Patti wants to text multiple times a day, plus talk on the phone, and the conversations are mostly her unloading on me like a therapist (I am not at all qualified). I love her, but I have my own severe depression, anxiety, and other stress. Setting boundaries on how often I could talk has upset her a lot. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t listen to the same rehashing of stuff anymore.

    Is it cruel to ghost her? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also can’t take this anymore. If I tried to explain how I feel, I think she would take it badly. For instance, this past Friday I told her I had had a very bad day and didn’t feel like getting into details. She got mad and hasn’t texted since. I’m relieved, but I also feel guilty about it. I don’t know if I should let this continue as is with no contact. I feel like she’s expecting an apology.

    1. GoryDetails*

      Sounds like a job for Captain Awkward! There’s an old post there titled “What do you do about chronic complaining?” that looks helpful (will post the link in a reply).

      Granted, as you’ve already set a boundary and your friend has stopped contacting you, you might be all set – though if they pop back in again, the Captain Awkard post might be of use.

      I don’t think you need to apologize, but if you do like this person and want to retain SOME contact, you could try reaching out in a bit, perhaps just chatting about something you think they’d be interested in.

      2. Ontariariario*

        One of CA’s big suggestions is to have a set time to meet and talk, so Jane has already tried this and Patti refuses to agree so I think ghosting is the only option now.

        OP it sounds like you’ve done everything as you should, and there is no good way to resolve it. Please, feel less guilt! Try to feel no guilt, but that’s hard to do. You are a really good friend, but Patti isn’t a friend at all if she treats you that badly and you can’t fix her.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I agree that Patti’s pushback against the boundaries Jane has already set is key.

          You’ve been a reasonable person, OP, and if Patti’s not able to be reasonable right now, that is not your fault or your problem. She’s allowed to feel a little sad that she can’t contact you all the time anymore, but she’s not allowed to try to manipulate you into feeling guilty and changing your mind.

          1. Really Named Jane*

            Patti is sweet, but I recognize the manipulation for what it is. In her mind, me not being able to talk is abandoning her (her words). She is aware I have my own health issues and stress, but it doesn’t seem to register with her that her need to talk for hours on end is unreasonable. And, yes, left unchecked, she will talk for hours.

    2. AGD*

      I had a friend like this for years. One summer I realized it was too one-sided to salvage, so I decided to think about it. I left a message for her on her answering machine saying I’d get back to her when I had a minute, and then I just…never did. That was in 2004, and I haven’t spoken to her since. For a little while I felt guilty, but I’ve been doing much better having left her behind. She went through some awful stuff, but the fact that she expected me to be her on-call, 24/7, unlicensed, endlessly supportive therapist left me with no more desire for the friendship.

      1. Really Named Jane*

        This is where I am–Patti wants me to be on-call for her, and it’s exhausting. I also feel guilty because she has experienced trauma and she’s having to start over. I want to be her friend, but I also can’t let my own (not great) mental health suffer.

        1. ampersand*

          It’s kind of you to want to be there for her, and it’s completely reasonable to recognize that she needs something you can’t provide. Her trauma—as unfortunate as it is—isn’t your responsibility.

          I had a friend like this that was likewise exhausting. I eventually told her I needed a break and would be in touch when I was ready. That was five years ago and (not to sound heartless) I’m much better off without that level of stress in my life, so I haven’t contacted her.

    3. RagingADHD*

      It’s not cruel to be honest about your capacity to absorb her vents, and it’s not cruel to let her go her own way.

      You are not obligated to chase after her. If she doesn’t call you back, you aren’t ghosting her. She’s ghosting you. Let it happen.

      If she does reach back out to you, you can decide whether / how to respond based on what she says.

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