I’m pregnant! how do I announce it at work?

by Alison Green on August 6, 2024

A reader writes:

My husband and I just found out that I’m pregnant, after trying for several years! I’m extremely excited, but also realized that I have no idea how to announce this at work. I’ve only been at my company for about 18 months and, in that time, no one else on my team has had a baby so I’m not sure how this is normally done. I vaguely remember people doing it at previous jobs, but I never paid attention to how they announced it or even when in their pregnancy we were told.

Complicating matters (maybe), I’m a manager and so in addition to having to tell my own boss and my peers, at some point I need to tell my team too and they’ll probably have their own set of worries about what it means for them when I’m on leave: who will be filling in, how things will be handled while I’m out, etc.

I’m also a little worried that this isn’t great timing. One of my counterparts is out on a long-term medical leave, and I know my boss’s workload has been higher as a result. I know she’ll be happy for me, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not exactly welcome news from a workflow perspective.

Anyway, what’s the etiquette here? When do I announce, who do I tell first, and what else do I need to know?

Congratulations!

First, the short answer: wait until your second trimester (unless you can’t — more on that in a minute), tell your boss first and then your team, and don’t feel like you need to have your maternity-leave plans set in stone when you do.

Now let’s take these one at a time.

1. Wait until your second trimester, unless you can’t.

Because of the risk of early miscarriage, most people wait to announce their pregnancies at work (and in general) until they’re past the first trimester. There might be other reasons to wait, too. For example, if you’re in line for a raise or a promotion, it might be safer to wait for that to be finalized before you share the news. It would be illegal for your employer to consider your pregnancy in those sorts of decisions, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, even unconsciously, and you might want to ensure there’s no chance it will get factored in.

In other cases, though, sharing the news earlier can make your life easier. If you’re struggling with morning sickness, for example, it might be simpler to tip off your boss and/or your team just so they understand what’s going on. (If you do that, you can ask whomever you tell to keep it to themselves for the time being.)

2. Tell your boss first.

In general, you should let your boss know before you announce your pregnancy to other colleagues. Because your maternity leave will affect your work and your team, your boss has a legitimate interest in hearing it from you first rather than through the grapevine. Plus, if you tell other people first and the news starts to spread, your boss may understandably feel awkward asking you about it, but just as uncomfortable about not being able to begin planning for your absence.

If you work in the same office, tell your boss face-to-face. (Otherwise a video or phone call is fine.) When you do, keep it brief! Say you have some happy news, make the announcement, and share your due date. It helps if you’re ready to discuss your preliminary thoughts on when you might start and end maternity leave and coverage while you’re gone, but you don’t need to address every detail at this stage — there’s still plenty of time to plan and it’s okay not to be certain of your plans yet.

If your boss says anything implying she’s not thrilled about the timing, be prepared with a response like, “It’s definitely a big change, but we’re very excited!” The idea there is to nudge her into remembering that this is good news and that the social contract requires her to respond accordingly. And keep in mind that your employer’s preferences and needs really, really don’t get a say in your reproductive choices, and it would be wildly inappropriate for your boss, or anyone else, to imply otherwise.

3. Tell your team next.

Do you have a weekly team meeting or any other regularly scheduled time when you gather with all your direct reports? If so, that’s the perfect occasion to announce your pregnancy. It could be as simple as saying, “I have some personal news to share. I’m pregnant, and due at the end of November. In the coming weeks, I’ll have more info to share about my maternity leave and the plan for coverage, but for now I just wanted to share the news.”

If you don’t have regular meetings with your whole team and there’s no obvious place to do this, you can put it in a team email (if that wouldn’t be weird in your company’s culture) or you can tell people individually. But if you tell them individually, just make sure to talk to all of them within a day or two, so you won’t have a situation where some people know and others don’t, rumors start circulating, and the people you haven’t told start wondering why you haven’t shared the news with them.

4. It’s okay if your plans aren’t set in stone yet.

If you’re not exactly sure yet what your plans are regarding maternity leave, it’s okay to say that you’re still figuring things out. Obviously you can’t keep saying that forever — you’ll want to have a plan in place at least two months before your due date. (And make sure to check with HR for any official deadlines related to setting up your parental leave.) But it’s absolutely fine to make your initial announcement without a detailed transition memo in hand.

Also, even if you’re considering not returning to work once your maternity leave is over, it’s smartest to proceed as if you are returning unless and until you become 100 percent sure that you won’t. Things change, and it’s much harder to announce that you’re staying home indefinitely and then change your mind than it is to change your mind in the other direction (planning to stay but then announcing near the end of your leave that you won’t be returning).

Originally published at New York Magazine.

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{ 85 comments }

{ 85 comments… read them below }

  1. T.N.H*

    While loads of people decide to wait until the second trimester for their own reasons, I do want to push back on this as a rule. It stems from a time when having a miscarriage was considered deeply shameful. You certainly don’t have to tell anyone before that, but don’t wait just because “it’s always been done that way.” Pregnancy loss doesn’t have to be a big secret! As Alison pointed out, you may need to share the news before then and there’s nothing wrong with doing so.

    1. ReallyBadPerson*

      I don’t think it’s about the shame, necessarily. It is more about privacy. Some people appreciate the support of their colleagues as they mourn a pregnancy loss, but others may prefer to keep it to themselves.

      1. T.N.H*

        Totally! Everyone should get to disclose as much or as little medical information at work as they want. But people share losses and major medical events all the time. Pregnancy/miscarriage is considered verboten in a way that a heart attack or cancer diagnosis is not.

      2. Clisby*

        Yes! I didn’t disclose my first pregnancy until I was 5 months pregnant. I was 41 and seemingly in very good health but if I had had a miscarriage the last thing I would have wanted was to have to field kind words and consolations
        from co-workers.

        Also, I did not tell my boss first, and I couldn’t have cared less if he took issue with that. I told the people I was really close to at work (maybe 6-8), and then told the boss the next day.

        1. Arrietty*

          I told my manager immediately, even before my mum, but I didn’t tell colleagues straight away for this reason – I only told the people I’d want support from if the pregnancy wasn’t straightforward.

          1. allathian*

            I told my manager earlier than I’d planned because she found me asleep at my desk at maybe 7 or 8 weeks. The first-trimester fatigue was worse than anything I subsequently experienced during my pregnancy. On the weekend I’d sleep 15 hours in one day (10+ hours at night and several naps). By that point I’d only told my parents, my sister, and my in-laws, and I was too excited to keep it to myself after I’d tested positive. I knew all of them would support me if I had a miscarriage.

            I told the rest of the team at a team meeting when I was at about 30 weeks, or 6 weeks before I went on maternity leave. I’d lost a considerable amount of weight (more than 25 lbs) before I got pregnant, so I managed without obvious maternity pants for quite a long time because I just pulled out the “fatter-me” pants when the “slimmer-me” pants no longer fit. If any of my coworkers noticed, I assume they assumed that I’d just gained some of the weight I lost back. Certainly nobody commented on it.

            After our son was born, I had two pregnancies that ended in a first-trimester miscarriage before I had time to tell my boss at work. One coworker chose to tell the team about her pregnancy very early, so I told her that I was due the same week but asked her to keep that info confidential. That helped a lot when I had the miscarriage, and she was sympathetic. One gesture I really appreciated was that she limited the pregnancy talk when I could hear it. When it was time for her “mom party” (we don’t call them baby showers because the idea is to pamper the parent rather than provide useful stuff for the baby and there are no gross games like eating Nutella from a diaper, etc.) I was done grieving my pregnancy loss and was able to sincerely wish her a comfortable late pregnancy and an easy delivery. Those who didn’t know about my pregnancy loss were none the wiser.

            When I got pregnant again a few years later (at 46) I didn’t tell anyone and took a couple days sick leave when I miscarried at 7 weeks. Although the pregnancy was planned, I was so relieved when it ended that I realized I was done trying for another baby. I was also very happy that I hadn’t told anyone at work about my pregnancy because I didn’t have to manage their emotions around my miscarriage. I didn’t jump for joy at the news but my husband was much more devastated by it than I was.

      3. Cat Tree*

        I agree. I’m not ashamed of my miscarriage. However, I stopped mentioning it at all because I haaated having to convince people that I really wasn’t devastated (just somewhat sad) and I honestly felt like I had to manage their emotions for them. I never brought it up at work, and wouldn’t want to. Mine started on a weekend so the worst of it was over, and then I took a sick day that Monday without giving any details, just like any other sick day. If I needed more time off, I would have just taken it. It’s nobody’s business and I’m tired of the implication that I must be deeply ashamed just because it’s private.

    2. A Library Person (Again)*

      This is true, but I can say from personal experience that having to explain a pregnancy loss to coworkers after announcing can be absolutely agonizing, even when the response is completely supportive. I definitely support talking more about pregnancy loss in general as a society and am personally fairly open about my own experiences with it (when appropriate), but OP, and anyone else in this situation, should still consider this as a potential consequence of making an announcement. How that changes the calculus will vary from person to person- as it should!- but I think it is still worth thinking about when deciding who to tell and when.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        Same, and agreed. I don’t feel shame but I do feel a lot of other things that I don’t always want to discuss at work or with coworkers.
        And I also think that the discussion around pregnancy and loss should be more open, I’m not personally okay with being the ‘pregnancy loss’ person – my boss has used my miscarriages as a discussion topics of meetings I’m not in… obviously this isn’t normal or typical, but it IS an option once the information is out there.

      2. T.N.H*

        I agree and I had a similar experience. I don’t think we should continue the “rule” though that you can’t disclose in the first trimester.

        1. lost academic*

          It’s not at all a rule. It’s a convention. I’ve never heard it referenced without all of the potential reasons that waiting a certain amount of time you determine for yourself being discussed at the same time. For that matter, pregnancy discrimination is a really big deal and is extremely common.

          1. T.N.H*

            But it is #1 on Alison’s list. I suppose we can quibble on what the word rule means but I don’t think we should tell people that they must wait unless they can’t (which is what the article says). There are legitimate reasons to choose not to wait because you are willing and able to discuss your pregnancy loss if it occurs.

            1. doreen*

              I’m not going to get into the definition of “rule” but I doubt very much that there was a was a point in time when the main reason not to disclose a pregnancy until the second trimester was because a pregnancy loss was shameful – I’m not even sure a loss would have been seen as shameful in my lifetime. There are many other reasons ranging from the possibility of having to inform people about a loss for months or years ( I left a job after announcing a pregnancy and for a few years, I would run into co-workers who expected me to have a child of the appropriate age. It took months for the bad news to get to all of my relatives who heard the good news. And I had waited until the beginning of the second trimester. ) to not getting promotions or assignments due to pregnancy.

    3. Jennifer Strange*

      It’s not a rule or a matter of shame, but more a matter of personal comfort. I had a miscarriage for my first pregnancy and I announced it to my co-workers about a week before. I wish I hadn’t because it hurt to have to let them know I had lost the baby, and in other cases the good news had reached folks but the bad news hadn’t so suddenly I had people asking me how pregnancy was going, which made correcting them even harder. It’s not that I’m ashamed of miscarrying, but it was a hurtful time that become prolonged.

      If someone else feels okay with that possibility I completely support them, but they should know it could happen before jumping right in.

    4. Specks*

      It’s not about shame, but about how painful it is to address with people you are not close to or different from, which coworkers are for most. So many people default to their own religious language when responding to someone’s loss and say things that might be helpful for some to hear but are just absolutely awful and offensive to others, like saying you now have an “angel baby” and “it’s in God’s arms” and all that crap.

      I’ve actually told my work and we’ve told many of our friends about my current pregnancy, but we’re holding off on telling my in-laws until we’re well past the 1st trimester and have had all the genetic testing and scans. Because if something were to happen, that would be the verbiage from them and neither of us wants to deal with it.

    5. HannahS*

      Genuinely–I’m not familiar with the idea that miscarriage was considered shameful. Was this the case in the US historically? I always thought the custom of keeping things quiet was because a) miscarriage is common and all aspects of womens health and grief were Not Discussed Publicly and b) until the advent of ultrasounds and modern pregnancy tests, many women were not assured of their pregnancy until they could feel the baby move, which for a first-time pregnancy is usually in second trimester.

      1. Crooked Bird*

        I wonder about this too. There’s a tendency to assume the worst about our ancestors when it comes to gender relations, and granted it’s often true, but it isn’t always. I’ve seen many modern women worry that it happened b/c they did/ate something, and I wouldn’t be surprised if our foremothers did too–all of us try to find ways to control the uncontrollable and prevent it from happening again, even when that thinking causes us deep pain–but I’ve never seen a reference to an actual tradition that said it was shameful.

      2. Lady Danbury*

        Not just a US thing. Back when women’s main purpose in marriage was to produce children, society considered you less of a woman and a bad wife if you couldn’t reproduce. And a miscarriage is a sign that you may not be able to reproduce. Multiple religious texts include stories of women who can’t bear children and their struggles to do so. This idea still persists amongst some people/societies, even though (I hope) all of us on this blog would agree that a woman is worth far more than her womb.

        1. allathian*

          Until the advent of modern healthcare, most parents experienced the loss of pregnancies and children. So they’d have 10 or more kids in the hope that 2 or 3 might survive to adulthood. Of course, this was a natural consequence of the lack of safe birth control methods and women having little or no say in when or whether to have sex.

          My mom was the oldest of 10 kids, one of whom died when he was a few days old from a congenital malformation of the heart. She told me once that the first time the kids knew they were about to have a baby brother or sister was when her mom went into labor. By the time her youngest brother was born she was away at college. She was the first person of any gender to get a college degree in her farmer family and the first girl to go to high school (voluntary and fairly expensive at the time), and several of her siblings followed her example. My otherwise conservative grandmother had apparently insisted that all of their kids, regardless of gender, would be given the opportunity to get an education when she accepted my grandpa’s proposal. Given the spacing of the siblings, especially the last three, it’s more than probable that my gran had a miscarriage or two that the kids never knew about. I suspect that miscarriage was considered shameful in that community.

      4. Festively Dressed Earl*

        Since the U.S. is actually 50+ countries stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat, customs vary wildly from region to region and family to family. In my family, not announcing a pregnancy until the fourth month was a legitimate superstition. Anyone who’d guessed ahead of that deadline would be dead-serious shushed if they talked about it for fear of jinxing the mother. You might as well have run under a dozen ladders in the Globe Theater while screaming “MACBETH! MACBETH! MACBEEEETTTHHHH!!!” and smashing mirrors.

      5. Elsajeni*

        I think the difference between “shameful” and “in a category of things that are Not Discussed Publicly” is an awfully fine line. If you polled people on the question “is miscarriage shameful: yes or no,” would most of them say “no”? Probably. But a societal norm that you are never supposed to talk about or acknowledge this quite common experience in public, either while it’s happening or afterward, regardless of how you feel or whether you need help or support, is… shaming.

    6. lost academic*

      I don’t think this is at all correct. Pregnancy loss does not need to be a secret, but it is common enough in the first trimester and it is hard to know how you will feel about it or want to handle it both privately and publicly, so by not involving a lot of people in the information at an early stage, you reduce the number of people you have to then update about a loss and manage the reactions and feelings for.

      Everyone wants to handle pregnancy loss their own way, and how they choose at any given time during the process. Thinking about how that might feel and not needing to unsay something is good to do.

    7. RagingADHD*

      It’s not a rule, and it isn’t presented as a rule.

      It is excellent advice, particularly for people navigating their first pregnancy. If someone has already experienced pregnancy loss, they are in a better position to determine whether they are willing to disclose early and then have to go through the seemingly endless process of announcing the loss over and over to people who didn’t hear it the first time and mistakenly congratulate them.

      Advising a “newbie” to put themselves through that blind, or failing to mention that this could be an avoidable ordeal, would be terrible advice.

    8. fhqwhgads*

      Weird take. It’s not about shame. It’s about probability.

      I certainly would rather never tell my coworkers, than tell them and then have to untell them. Nothing to do with shame. Everything to do with my own grief and not wanting to share it with anyone I don’t need to.

    9. Meep*

      We told our parents at 6 weeks with the intent of telling only our parents. My siblings-in-law immediately spilled it to their friends (who learned from my parents-in-law) and my sister-in-law even told her boss less than 48 hours later! My own sister didn’t know. Our own bosses didn’t find out about it until the second trimester. It wasn’t because “miscarriages are shameful” BS. It is that “1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage” and no one has a right to information about my uterus until I am ready*.

      *If we get pregnant again, my in-laws now get to play a very fun game of “she is pregnant or fat” because of their insolence. And no. They will know AFTER the baby is born because they were already inviting themselves into the delivery room.

    10. Education Mike*

      When I was pregnant with my first son, I was scheduled to go to a conference at week 8. It was a high risk pregnancy, I was wound a little tight about it. My director kept offering me wine at the welcome reception and I just blurted out that I was pregnant. I was embarrassed, but it actually turned out to be the best thing for me. The group I was traveling with were so kind and thoughtful to me, making sure I had water at all times, checking in to make sure I had the opportunity to rest, helpfully having snacks on hand for me. It also meant that when I was absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, they understood why I wasn’t going to dinner with them (and they always brought me back dessert).

      It may not have worked out that way with a different group, but for me, I was kind of glad I let it slip, and they proved themselves to be really great support.

    11. Not Ashamed*

      I had a miscarriage and I wasn’t ashamed to tell people. I am glad that I hadn’t announced my pregnancy first though because it was much simpler to make 1 “I had a miscarriage” announcement while taking time off than to having to make multiple announcements or risk having people hear the pregnancy announcement but mot the miscarriage announcement and congratulating me later. Again – not from shame but pain.

    12. AnnoyedInWonderland*

      I’m sure you don’t mean it this way, but saying “pregnancy loss doesn’t have to be a big secret” can come off as minimizing and hurtful for people who have been devastated by the loss of a pregnancy. Imagine you’re around 8 weeks and you’ve gone through all the steps, accepted happy congratulations from your team, started making transition/scheduling plans, etc, and then the unthinkable happens. Maybe you’re handling it fine, and having to share the news of the loss every time someone asks you how your pregnancy is going isn’t that big of a deal. For lots of people, that’s the case. But I think it’s entirely valid to advise erring on the side of caution here, which is all Alison’s doing.

      The LW said “I’m not sure how this is normally done,” so Alison told them how it’s normally done. She definitely did not imply there was anything wrong with sharing the news earlier — just that it’s often prudent to hold off until you’re past the period where the risk is highest.

    13. Katie*

      Thank you for highlighting that you don’t have to wait until after the second trimester if you don’t want to. I tied myself in knots in my first pregnancy trying to do things the “right” way, so I waited until 13 weeks to tell everyone in work. That was fine at the time albeit I didn’t love feeling like I was hiding. Then for my second pregnancy I did things the way I wanted to, which for me included telling my manager at 7 weeks. Unfortunately my second pregnancy ended in a 10 week loss but it was a blessing for me to have already disclosed. I ended up off work for two weeks to recover plus a phased return which was handled with utter compassion. It would have been much harder for me to either come up with a cover story for why I was out, or explain out of the blue that I was pregnant. Incidentally, I did tell a couple of co-workers when I came back what had happened and personally I found telling people “I was pregnant” a lot more difficult than “I miscarried”.

      I’ll heavily caveat all of the above though that just because telling work early (or telling anyone early) was the right choice for me, that doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for everyone. I have a very supportive workplace and a lot of legal protections in place where I live. I’m also not a particularly private person so YMMV and you should 100% do what YOU want, not what some internet stranger says they did or whatever rules society has elected we adhere to.

  2. Excel Gardener*

    “If you’re not exactly sure yet what your plans are regarding maternity leave, it’s okay to say that you’re still figuring things out. Obviously you can’t keep saying that forever — you’ll want to have a plan in place at least two months before your due date.”

    I want to emphasize that you need a clear and completely plan in place at least two months prior. My male boss recently went out on paternity leave three weeks earlier than expected because the baby came early, and he hadn’t fully transitioned projects and documentation at that point. This led to our team making some semi-big mistakes while he was out and a general lack of clear ownership and accountability for some projects. Ultimately, it was fine, but caused a lot of headaches for us and him when he returned.

    1. Paint N Drip*

      Seconded!!
      The plan may not need to be public (your team) but it needs to be in place and able to launch (assuming with your boss’ help) once you’re out OP! You just never know when babies come, when your body decides having a baby sucks and revolts, when you might need to be on bed rest, etc.

    2. KitKat*

      I had a rough plan about 2-3 months before my leave (a list of tasks with names by them) and completed documentation 3 weeks before my leave (detailed how-tos for each task). I went into labor *that night* and was very glad I had it all ready to go!

  3. Caramel & Cheddar*

    “I’m also a little worried that this isn’t great timing. ”

    You’re allowed to live your life even if it’s not a “good” time for your employer! It’s like when folks write in about quitting or having surgery or whatever else: there’s almost never a “good” time from your employer’s perspective; there’s always a reason not to do X at any given time. But you can’t take on that burden and pause your life just so they’re not inconvenienced. You have your own boss: it’s part of their job to figure out what to do in your absence and this kind of thing comes with their higher pay grade.

    3. Volunteer Enforcer*

      Heartily seconded! It’s only your job to give the message, it’s up to your boss to figure it out.

    4. Venus*

      Especially in a situation where the pregnancy is “after trying for several years”. With the right boss it might be reasonable to add “I know this isn’t great timing, yet if I had had any influence then it would have been long before now!”

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Right? Women have been so conditioned to think of pregnancy as inconvenient to employers that even after several years of trying it’s “not great timing”. OP, it is PERFECT timing for you, and for your boss there’s no such thing; it’s just something that they need to figure out as part of their duty in managing human beings. Congratulations!!!

        1. RagingADHD*

          One of my kids’ elementary school teachers fell all over herself apologizing when she announced her pregnancy, and over-explaining about the maternity coverage sub, and on and on. Of course I told her congratulations and she had nothing to apologize for.

          It made my heart hurt that she had reason to anticipate angry / upset reactions from the parents. Really drove home what teachers have to put up with.

    5. Cat Tree*

      One of my employees had a family emergency and was so apologetic. I told her that emergencies rarely happen at convenient times.

      I admit I still do feel bad about it sometimes when I have to take off, so I have to remind myself of my own words that I tell other people. Why do we all struggle to listen to our own advice?

    6. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Babies are always inconveniently timed! Cause when you start something 9 months in advance, give or take a few weeks, by gambling whether it will happen now or next month or next year, it’s basically guaranteed to conflict with something.

  4. JAnon*

    Had to do this less than a year ago! I told my boss early because I needed to adjust some travel because of it. When I then told the people I work with the most, I told them I was starting to work ahead because I would be needing to take a maternity leave sometime in X months. Once that processed for them, people were only excited for me. Just make it a normal thing and it will be. But I do also agree with the comment to get your ducks in a row earlier than anticipated. I had all things down on paper, just hadn’t met with people about it all and baby came 1 month + early, and overnight so I couldn’t really prep people before labor started getting real! Luckily they had info so it worked out

  5. BellyButton*

    Congratulations! I would like to add that as you get your plan in place talk to your team about what their needs may by while you are away. You and your boss might not think of everything, so make sure your team gives you input “Did I miss anything that you will need coverage on while I am away?”

  6. Jennifer Strange*

    Congratulations! As someone who suffered a miscarriage after announcing my news, I agree with Alison’s suggestion to wait until you’re in your second trimester to tell anyone (if that is possible).

    But even if you wait until then to let folks know, that doesn’t mean you can’t start doing some planning on your end (if you want to!). I found it helpful to create a spreadsheet of all of the tasks I was responsible for, figure out which ones should be reassigned and which ones could be put on the backburner in my absences, and figure out next steps for those (be it training, creating documentation, etc.)

    Congratulations again!

  7. Mostly Managing*

    Congratulations!

    As you consider when to tell your manager, keep in mind what you know about their discretion (or lack thereof).
    I had to tell a manager I was expecting my first (who is now 23!) before I was really ready to announce it. She completely ignored my request to keep it to herself. She went to the call center and announced it to the entire staff, and did the same in the warehouse!!!!!!

    Ahem. I may still be salty about that!

    1. Paint N Drip*

      I realize we all have our own feelings about babies, and I realize this was 23-24 years ago… but WTF!!!

    3. Bast*

      I’d be (and have been) salty about anyone else announcing my pregnancy to others, particularly when they were explicitly told not to — in my case it was a family member, not a boss/colleague. Why do people feel the need to announce the news of others?

      1. Meep*

        I sorta get it. Babies are exciting!

        With that said… We are having the first grandchild on either side of our respective families, which (as the first grandchild on both sides) IS a big deal. Add to the fact, my husband’s sister is asexual and his brother is a massive incel, this is going to be my in-laws first (and probably ONLY) grandchild (I have a sister with a fiancé who plans to have kids), so I understand their excitement, but damn was I furious when my in-laws started telling their friends literal seconds after I told them.

        Like that wasn’t your news!!!

        1. SimonTheGreyWarden*

          Yeah…my MIL has Facebook and both of my parents do (but not my FIL). When we announced our pregnancy to them at 12weeks they all promised to keep it off FB until we could tell the extended family. The very day we’d told my folks we were going to tell the extended family (we’d been waiting for a particular get-together at about 16 weeks) my mom, who never uses her FB, went on and made an announcement that she was going to be a grandma.

          Facepalm.

    4. Meep*

      God. My sister-in-law told her own boss at six weeks, literally 48 hours after we told her, (the only reason she was told that early was her parents spilled – first and, probably, only grandchild they will ever have despite having three kids themselves – found the keeper out of the bunch) and I was FURIOUS.

      I don’t even know her boss. We work in different cities. I will tell you right now my in-laws will be lucky if they find out the baby has been born 2 weeks after the fact.

  8. Peanut Hamper*

    When I first glanced at this, I thought she was 18 months pregnant not 18 months at her current job, and I thought “Oh, I’m pretty sure everybody knows at this point.”

    Guess it’s time to see the eye doctor.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        LOL! That’s where my mind immediately went afterward. I was like “Wait a minute…humans can’t be pregnant for that long. What animal am I thinking of?”

        Oh, my poor broken brain and the fun it brings me some days.

      2. allathian*

        I certainly felt like one when my belly just kept getting bigger and bigger and I was nearly 2 weeks past my due date. I went into labor on a Friday and our son was born that Saturday. I had an induction booked for the following Monday.

  9. kristinyc*

    A counterpoint to waiting until the second trimester:

    There’s an argument for telling HR as early as possible (but not necessarily announcing to others until later). That way, if you need accommodations due to morning sickness or, heaven forbid, a miscarriage, it’s already documented that’s why. So it’s a protected medical reason and not you just calling in sick a lot.

    I told my boss around 10 weeks (we were working on goal setting for the year/travel planning), but announced to my reports and the larger team after I started to show.

    2. Kevin Sours*

      You can tell HR when you need to get an accommodation. There’s no need to do it in advance.

      1. lost academic*

        Or when you know you’re risking discrimination and you need to be able to point to when you disclosed it to HR, even if your HR is incompetent, dangerous, etc. You have a chance to get it in writing so that management can’t make up excuses.

    3. JAnon*

      I did this also – told my boss around 8-9 weeks. He knew I had been going to appts for IVF and I had travel to work out and could not handle a 3 am wake up for an early flight. Then right before we all traveled, I told our larger team why I had a different schedule (this was around 11 weeks) and then said that if people found out, that was ok at that point. I had so many scans by then, a week didn’t make a difference and I felt comfortable doing so.

    4. SimonTheGreyWarden*

      This was me – I didn’t have any morning sickness, but I suffered from extreme anxiety the entire pregnancy (like, bought a home Doppler to listen to baby’s heartbeat and used it every single day, sometimes more than once). I told my boss at about 8weeks because I could tell it was going to impact my work. We didn’t even tell the family until 12weeks and I told my other coworkers at 16weeks.

  10. Medium Sized Manager*

    Congratulations! I wanted to add my perspective as a manager as I have had a few different pregnant employees over the past few years. I have been told as early as 4 weeks (she had to go off her SSRIs and wanted to alert me of a possible change in her work output) and as late as 2nd trimester.

    The first step is always congratulations and the second is to review their HR protections including how to apply for leave and the typical cadence for our company. I let them know who they can discuss this with on the team if they want advice (ex: Suzy is the most recent person to go through the Leaves process), and I walk through my adjusted expectations. Some examples would be reinforcing that we have flexible scheduling if they experience symptoms + not needing to notify me in advance or that my expectations for the last month before leave are to show up and do your best. I also remind them that pregnancy is treated like any other medical condition in the eyes of HR so they can discuss as much or as little as they choose.

    They take care of the notification process on their own, which is usually notifying stakeholders as needed. When my boss (director level) went on leave, she started telling people around 3 months in advance for internal folks and 1 month for external folks. She was so well prepared that most of her work was gone 2 months before she actually gave birth ha.

  11. lyonite*

    Possibly not the answer you’re looking for, but at an old job we developed a tradition of people bringing in cupcakes to announce pregnancies, leading to urgent disclaimers whenever someone just had some extra muffins or something they wanted to get rid of.

  12. Good question*

    TW: Miscarriage

    As someone who has had 2 missed miscarriages, and now a vanishing twin (essentially a missed misarrange) and is at 13w and 6d I’m just terrified of saying anything at work (my boss knows though, she’s awesome and I’ve been exhausted in the first trimester).

    I understand why people say to wait until the 2nd trimester, but if I haven’t seen baby since 12w 6d there’s no guarantees that it’s just magically fine at 14w. Baby B was just fine with a heartbeat and all at 8 weeks, and now he’s gone and we were none the wiser until that 13w scan. Do I wait until my next scan at 16w? But honestly, I just want to stop wearing the same 4 pregnancy hiding outfits to work, and yet it feels like there’s never a good time and I’m going to be terrified until week 36 or so.

    Yes I’m in therapy, thank you for coming to my rant

    1. Ellis Bell*

      So sorry about your babies. Hoping all the best in your pregnancy for you from this point. Just take care of you, and what you need. I’m glad you have a good boss.

    2. Jennifer Strange*

      Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! I suffered a miscarriage my first pregnancy, and my second one was fraught with constant fears until my little one was here, so I understand what you mean.

    3. Lady Lessa*

      Rant ,listened and heard. Sending hugs and your favorite comfort beverage for tonight

      May the rest of your pregnancy be uneventful.

    4. Meep*

      I am sorry to hear that. I was a rainbow baby myself and I have a lot of the same fears (20 weeks right now, myself). Add OCD and GAD to the mix, and… well, I am constantly checking between those monthly check-ups. You are not alone! I hope the rest of your pregnancy is less eventful. <3

    5. Not Ashamed*

      I’m so sorry! I had a 16 week miscarriage with my first. I waited until my anatomy scans at 20 weeks with my next two pregnancies. I still felt reluctant to announce after but I did and expressly forbade any baby showers – at either work or for family. That’s what helped calm my nerves. There is no wrong choice in announcing now or in waiting! Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

    6. Iain C*

      It’s not done magic day 3 months in where you can stop holding your breath. It’s a graph with a downward sloping line of sadness.

      But it is a conveniently neat and memorable threshold. A bit before, a bit after? Meh, same time really. Be guided by your comfort level far more than a convenient to describe cut off.

      I was not the one with the bump (Well, I also have one, but that’s a food bump) but I remember the first time I announced to colleagues. It was my turn in the meeting to describe what we’d reach been doing the last month or so. “I documented X”, “wrote feature Y”.

      “I created life!”

  13. Pangolin*

    in terms of phrasing, keep it simple and say it a few times to yourself so you don’t panic in the moment. ‘some personal news – im pregnant’ is totally enough. my old boss, who was usually super professional and boundaried, totally lost her head and told her team – all of us were older than her – that she had a baby growing in her tummy.

  14. HannahS*

    I initially told my boss’ boss’ boss because I needed an urgent accommodation, but she kept it quiet and I otherwise didn’t tell anyone at work until second trimester. I had complications early-on and was ultimately glad that I didn’t have to explain it to my colleagues–the roller coaster of “I’m pregnant!” to “but it’s not viable” to “or maybe it is?” to “Yes, looks viable, sorry for the confusion” interspersed with many extra ultrasounds and blood tests was…hard. I explained my tiredness as “haven’t been feeling well lately” and “having a health issue, needing some extra appointments” and people accepted it.

  15. Liz*

    Big +1 to Alison’s caveat to #1 – to tell people if you’re having morning sickness or something else that “shows” before the 2nd trimester.

    I’ve now worked closely with 2 women who had TERRIBLE first semester morning sickness where their frequent absences had a significant impact on me (one the Executive I was Assisting, the other who was the other half of a four person team that was temporarily down to two, and thus just me when she was out). Both were kind enough to let me know what was going on, both framed as a “this is confidential information but I want you to know why I’m out so often and be prepared to handle more than usual,” and in both cases it was immensely helpfully to have the full context on what was going on and be able to prepare my coping strategies accordingly.

    Of course, only advisable if you are either confident in the discretion of your teammates, or not particularly concerned about news getting out; but if you’re in a position to share, it can be a kindness to the folks it impact!

  16. rrr*

    I did this about a year and a half ago, and I remember getting so worked up and anxious about it – thinking people will be upset about workloads, anxious about who they’ll report to, etc etc etc. Let me just say – everyone was just really pleased for me and my husband! That’s really the reasonable response – your first thought when someone tells you they’re pregnant shouldn’t be “oh no, more work for me”.

    Basically – life comes before work, and reasonable people get that.

  17. Endorable*

    My husband and I just found out that I’m pregnant…. YES! I’m just so happy that someone finally got it right… I just HATE when they say ‘we’re pregnant’ :)

    1. Meep*

      I’m pregnant and I admit I say “we”. But that is because since HE did this, he better contribute with all my cravings and whims until she can walk. lol.

        1. Iain C*

          The other one “We’re expecting a baby” always sounded to me like the baby could be hiding round a corner, ready to strike from the higher ground. Or like the Spanish Inquisition…

  18. NotARealManager*

    It really depends on your relationship with your boss and how your business handles pregnancy overall (which you said you unfortunately don’t know), and when you feel comfortable announcing your pregnancy.

    For my current pregnancy, I had a great relationship with my boss and I told her after the 12 weeks scans and tests looked good. I was out for a lot of appointments sooner than that, but I was able to disguise them behind a different, preexisting medical condition for the first trimester.

    As for it being bad timing for the business…I told my boss on a Friday and she announced she was leaving the company on the following Monday (unrelated, obviously). Then on top of that, another person in my department announced their pregnancy three weeks later. Our boss was integral to the business and both my co-worker and I do a lot of heavy lifting in our department so the months that have followed have not been the smoothest, but we’ve made it work and are thoroughly planning for our extended absences.

    After I told my boss, I told HR and my office is actually family friendly, so I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal beyond them wanting a timeline and knowing we had a plan in place for my leave.

    For my first pregnancy, I announced a lot sooner because I worked a very physical job then so I needed accommodations that I don’t now (now I work a desk job). It was also coverage based so they needed to make plans for both my leave and on a day to day basis when I might not be in. That business said they were family friendly, but in reality they were very put out whenever I needed time off and there was no such thing as parental leave there. I had to go back to work at 5 weeks post partum. The only reason I wasn’t disciplined or fired during my pregnancy or post partum period was because they had such a staff retention problem. Hopefully you’re in a better place!

  19. Coffee Please*

    I am currently pregnant and this is how I am doing it: Told my boss last week at 12 weeks. I’ve had a child at this company before but it was pandemic-era so I announced via Slack. I’ve made tentative arrangements as to how my 4 month leave will be handled with my boss. I am the director of a small department and thankful to have an assistant director who can pick up the slack while I’m gone. I plan to tell the assistant this week individually, then the rest of my staff individually. At some point I’ll mention it to the rest of my colleagues.

  20. Festively Dressed Earl*

    All the congratulation, OP! Wishing you a smooth pregnancy and lots of support both in and out of the workplace.

  21. Charlotte*

    In my experience, it gets exhausting continuously sharing the news with more people, so I recommend letting others know once the news can be spread widely so they can share it for you. I always volunteered to do this for others after having my first since I hated the process of telling people myself!

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