our boss hired his emotionally unstable son to work with us

by Alison Green on September 10, 2024

A reader writes:

I work in a preclinical (no patients) research lab in a hospital. The team involved in our day-to-day work is small, consisting of three full-time employees and the lab manager. We all have to work together closely to get studies done. Our top boss and PI, Cyrus, is the head of the entire neuroscience research department at this hospital.

The issue is that recently Cyrus’s son (Phil, fresh out of college) was hired. It seemed like a decision made by Cyrus, with little input from our manager or the rest of us. He has been an intern with us occasionally over the past few years, but this is his first time working with us as a full-time employee. According to my manager, HR initially raised a red flag, but then company policies were skirted by having Phil be technically under a different manager who does not report to Cyrus. However, his work is de facto 100% with us, all people who work under his dad.

If Phil was a good hire, we would probably have given the whole situation some side-eye but let it be. However, he has been extremely difficult to work with in the week since he started full-time. His work is relatively competent, but when it’s criticized or changes are made, he takes it extremely personally, and when he is upset he is confrontational, very emotional, and disrespectful.

As one example, Phil was constantly interrupting my manager, Ezra, literally mid-sentence with corrected pronunciations of chemical compounds. That entire meeting was Phil and Ezra arguing while I sat on the other side of the table in fight-or-flight mode (heavily leaning “flight”). It ended with Phil angrily saying, “I’m going home” and storming off after Ezra asked, “Are we good?”

Cyrus is involved with our research only at a high level and is not around 95% of the time to see the day-to-day happenings.

I’m dubious that raising the issue with him would help, given an incident a month or two ago, when Phil was an intern. Phil had an emotional breakdown at work (not directed at any of us) where he was yelling, sobbing, and throwing things in his office (at least according to the others; I was not there to see this). One of my colleagues (Sam) brought it up to Cyrus, who I guess turned around and yelled at his son. Phil ended up calling and texting our other coworker (Edward), thinking he was the one who ratted him out, saying things like “Who told dad,” “Fucking answer me” (I saw the screenshots), and making threats (according to Edward). Nothing else happened in terms of work-related disciplinary actions for Phil, can’t speak on whatever may have happened back home, as he still lives with his dad.

There is also of course the power dynamic — none of us want to raise issues with our boss about his child, regardless of if it would help our situation or not. Cyrus is significant and well-regarded in our field. Besides all this stuff with his son, he’s been a decent boss and person, so I don’t know if potential backlash is a real concern, but it’s there nonetheless.

I’ve never had direct conflict with Phil. (For better or worse, I am very good at not being confrontational and hedging my words. Hurray to being socialized as a woman in a STEM field.) I’m not in any kind of managerial role, so I don’t know if it’s my place to go to Cyrus, or to HR. I’m unsure if my manager will take action on either of those fronts. I don’t know if either of those things would even help. I super do not want to have to work by myself with Phil. Finding another job is of course an option, but that would be tragic for me as the work is my dream job and I absolutely love my coworkers (besides Phil).

What’s a lowly research assistant to do?

What a mess! “Who told dad” is … well, a sentence you don’t hear at work a lot.

As is “fucking answer me” (!).

Cyrus is doing his son no favors if his protection means Phil isn’t learning professional norms. Unless Phil can be assured of working in places where his dad will protect him for his entire career (good luck with the math on that, assuming Cyrus isn’t a vampire and won’t be alive and working for the entirety of Phil’s career), he’s setting Phil up for some really unpleasant consequences down the road — and those consequences tend to be more painful if they come at 45 than if they come at 23.

But I don’t think you need to do anything. You’re low in the hierarchy and Phil isn’t feuding with you. Yes, it’s disruptive to have him around, but it sounds like others are affected a lot more than you are. That doesn’t mean you don’t have standing to raise it anyway — a disruptive coworker is a disruptive coworker — but others are a lot better positioned to raise it, both in terms of seniority and in being directly affected.

First and foremost, your manager, Ezra. He might be looking at the politics of Phil being the boss’s son and choosing not to address it. And maybe that’s the right move; in some cases, in some organizations, it would be. But if Ezra is avoiding it only because of the familial relationship and not because internal politics clearly signal he should stay quiet … eh, I’m not a fan of that. You say Cyrus is known to be a decent boss and a decent person, and he did deal with Phil when he learned of an issue in the past (by yelling at him, which isn’t great — but he didn’t punish the messenger). It’s true that the fact that he’s brought his son on board at all says his judgment in skewed in this area, but unless Ezra has a specific reason to think it would be dangerous for him to talk to Cyrus, I’d argue that he should.

Or if not Cyrus, then to the “different manager” that HR assigned for Phil. Or to HR, since they clearly realized this would be problematic. Ezra has a few different options.

The same is true for your coworkers who have been the target of Phil’s rudeness, like Edward. Feel free to point that out to them.

That said, I do think you could and perhaps should talk to Ezra about not wanting to work alone with Phil. If that’s likely to come up, it would be reasonable to say to Ezra, “I’m not comfortable working alone with Phil because he’s been so erratic and volatile. I don’t know if you’re working behind the scenes on the issues with him — I hope someone is because he’s been so disruptive — but for my part, I want to make sure I won’t be expected to work alone with him.”

Read an update to this letter. 

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    1. too many dogs*

      EXACTLY! Document it for your protection, since it looks like Cyrus is reluctant to deal with this, or wants to believe that it’s not that bad. You need the facts on your side.

    2. AnonInCanada*

      Exactly THIS. If Phil turns his ire toward you, you’ll at least have a paper trail to approach either Ezra, Cyrus, or the labour board with.

    3. Hazel*

      Surely if there was a threat made to anyone in the lab (I know OP didn’t see them), discussion and documentation ends there?
      OP to colleague: “I heard Phil made threats. Is that true? Yes? We’re going to HR now.”

  3. CL*

    This whole situation is a mess but this is what broke my heart: “For better or worse, I am very good at not being confrontational and hedging my words. Hurray to being socialized as a woman in a STEM field.”

    It’s not the OP’s responsibility to avoid upsetting Phil.

    2. Turquoisecow*

      It’s also definitely not OP’s responsibility to step in to try to protect others. Protecting herself makes sense.

    3. Junior Assistant Peon*

      Being nonconfrontational and not rocking the boat is a pretty good way for anyone to survive in Corporate America.

    5. Nobby Nobbs*

      Ugh, can a person just be unhappy around here about the shit things women have to do to survive a misogynistic world without a chorus of “but it’s so ~sensible~ and ~important~ to repress all your natural responses to avoid ever upsetting a man!” Yes it’s necessary, that’s why OP does it, but it still sucks!

  4. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    If Dad’s response is to yell, no wonder Phil has the responses he does. He learned it from his dad. (flashback to 80s drug commercial).

    This is why its a bad idea to hire relatives, even if you don’t manage them. HR should have stood firm.

    As for what to do, document, document, document. Encourage your coworkers to document. Then go to HR as a group and say – yeah not working, do something.

    1. Nicosloanica*

      The good news is, since Dad is not his manager, it should also be possible to shuttle Phil off into an individual position that doesn’t interact much with others, even if they can’t muster the political capital to fire him entirely.

    2. dulcinea47*

      this, exactly. Phil needs to get away from his dad in order to get over his dad. Also, yelling at your employee is never acceptable, even if he’s your son.

    3. Freddy*

      Agree with you, Pastor. My parents were both screamers so I can sympathize with Phil in that regard. Best thing for him is to get him away from Dad. (not defending his behavior, just saying I think I understand what drives it)

      1. Princess Sparklepony*

        I think dad is afraid he won’t be able to stay employed if he goes somewhere without a protector. He sounds volatile to say the least. Most companies will only allow that in big earners, not lowly starting positions.

        Dad may be right as well. But it’s not fair to foist wild son on the rest of the workplace. It’s like Phil needs to go to Office Charm School and learn how to work well with people.

        Can we make money starting an Office Charm School? I’m envisioning those bad teen boarding schools but with slightly less punishment….

    4. JSPA*

      …and that’s the one thing that makes me suggest that someone (not necessarily the LW!) might take on the thankless task of helping him buy a clue. (That, and because there are far worse, more directed sorts of dysfunction in labs, so if everyone else is great, it’s worth taking a stab at helping Phil become more self-regulating and thus tolerable.)

      The following IS manipulative. Some people will find it a hard “no,” for that reason alone. The jumping off point is also a lie.

      “Phil, there’s no reason you’d remember this, but back during your first rotation (or internship), you jokingly asked a couple of us to give you a signal, if you’re getting too intense about something in ways that are derailing to the topic. Or at the time, I took it for a joke. But if you do really have a tendency to dig in on side issues, and get heated up–do you really want us to flag it somehow? And if so, what would that look like?”

      My family is rich in scientists, and in neurodivergence, and we suffer(ed) badly from the in-person version of the famous XKCD cartoon, “I can’t go to bed, someone is wrong on the internet!”

      If several of us dug in, it would get really ugly (as well as really random).

      “How do you expect me to take someone seriously when he says ‘methyl’ like a Brit, but ‘ethyl’ like an American” is an actual fight we had, when I was in high school.

      I’ve worked with coworkers who had an actual “meltdown protocol” on file. They had things they could and would respect, which allowed people to feel safe, and allowed the office to keep functioning. At the same time, people were required to disengage and give them space, to compose themselves.

      That sort of thing may take more self.Knowledge than Phil currently has. But knowing that those sorts of accommodations exist may also help your work place figure out how to accommodate Phil, if there’s something with comprehensible, dependable parameters that can be accommodated.

      This can look like: Having discussions in conference rooms rather than labs. Not booking those rooms too tightly. Bringing copies of lab notes, not the original lab book, to that room. Decibel meter, with a hard stop if anyone gets loud. Timer, for a timed “time out.” Hard stop for certain terms or behavior, plus a yellow flag for any use (even self-directed) of “stupid,” “dumb,” “ignorant” and “pointless.”

      1. Soss*

        Op here.
        I’m really really glad you brought up the idea of neurodivergence in the workplace. I didn’t include it in my write-in as it felt like speculation, but I do suspect (with the strong caveat that I am a non-expert, and that these are personal opinions) that Phil is somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum. I perceive that he may have difficulties with the accepted norms for social interaction. I’ve also observed that he is most set off when things in our plan change often or in the last minute. I understand how, especially for a neurodivergent person, this is frustrating and distressing, but 1) his behavior toward others is still his responsibility and 2) in our field of work this is kind of the status quo. I’m not sure how he would handle situations like this when he was an intern here – I’m guessing that this is coming up as an issue now because he’s been given more of a leading role in running a study than before.

        1. jasmine*

          Not saying Phil’s behavior is acceptable or anyone else’s responsibility, but I feel kind of bad for the guy. Continuing to be under his dad’s wing at work doesn’t sound good for him

        2. JSPA*

          Oooh, yeah, you have to self-regulate reasonably before you can be in charge of projects that involve others.

          Doesn’t mean you can’t hole up as a truly individual contributor.

          Doesn’t mean you can’t give excellent feedback on other people’s stuff.

          But “on the job” is not a safe, kind or fair way to do what amounts to a remedial self-awareness / self-regulation program.

          (Even if his dad may have had a similar sink-or-swim period in his own youth, and bobbed his way blindly through it on the basis of sheer drive, talent, and the sometimes-helpful blindness to push-back that can come with it.)

        3. Chauncy Gardener*

          Hoo boy. Cyrus’s yelling now seems even WORSE if his son might be neurodivergent.
          If this is the case, Cyrus is not a nice guy at all

          1. Despachito*

            He may not have a clue that Phil is neurodivergent and that yelling triggers him even more.

            And it is easy to confuse a meltdown with a tantrum.

            This is not to excuse Cyrus’s behavior or the yelling but just to say that Cyrus may be clueless and at his wits’ end how to handle Phil, not necessarily a mean guy.

    5. A Beautiful Mind (Ironic)*

      I was gonna say, a man who behaves like that isn’t the decent guy you think he is, and his son learned this dysfunctional way of handling emotions somewhere.

      It would be a kindness to Phil to a) coach him and b) help him gain independence from his dad, but it’s not for the OP to take any of that on. Frankly HR, Ezra and Phil’s manager should work on it together.

      1. Abogado Avocado*

        I disagree that Cyrus taught his son to react like this. If Phil is not neurotypical or is emotionally disturbed, it is entirely possible that his father, however brilliant he may be, does not understand how to parent him. This, sadly, isn’t uncommon in families.

        I feel for both Phil and the OP, but see the question as: what OP should do about having to work in this environment. Assuming she wants to stay in this lab – and, depending on her specialization and the lab’s focus, leaving may not be an option – I lean towards documenting everything, sharing it with those above her, and protecting herself by figuring out with Ezra how — or even if — she is to work with Phil.

      2. AnnieB*

        It’s not clear what Cyrus actually did, though. OP says they guess he yelled at Phil, but they don’t know for sure, and we’ve also talked here about the colloquial use of “yelled at” to mean “spoke to about unacceptable behaviour”. Cyrus might simply have told Phil how to act at work and he got worked up over it.

    6. JPalmer*

      Agreed, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I wouldn’t expect Dad will help resolve this situation in any way that isn’t advantageous to his son and himself.

      +1 to Document everything, definitely job hunt. Make sure there is a nice trail of notes in the event someone with power aside from boss can weigh in on this. Dad’s behavior is not to the benefit of the company, especially if it results in pushing out or punishing normal good employees for calling attention to a newly hired unprofessional caustic person.

  5. Mid-West Nice*

    Document but also see if your workplace has an anonymous issues hotline. If so have your coworkers communicate these issues to the hotline. Especially if they have screen shots as this would be validation of concerns being raised.
    Even if nothing else if they are skirting what seems to be nepotism rules then this could turn into a legal issue down the road. The workplace will want to protect themselves from this as well.
    Good luck and keep your head down.

    2. Former Young Lady*

      Yes, this. Working in research administration, I know darn well that some PIs don’t think institutional policies should apply to them, and I’ve seen just this sort of end-run around nepotism rules in particular. Still, if you’re at a university, the leadership will have a vested interest in NOT ending up on the evening news for this kind of thing. Confidential ethics reporting systems exist for that very reason.

      1. judyjudyjudy*

        And working on a academic research, I can tell you these hotlines have done nothing in the two large, public R01 institutions I’ve worked in. And low level nepotism and meltdowns won’t make the news.

        I’ll tell you what did make the news: a full tenured faculty sexually harassing grad students for years. He was given early retirement with five years full pay, to make him go away. He’s still suing the department for wrongful termination.

    3. AcademiaIsWeird*

      OP – does your institution have an Ombudsperson? Similar to an anonymous hotline, some in an Ombuds role might be positioned to help advise/untangle this!

        1. RC*

          My grad school department had 2 (or 3?). I went to one of them when I had issues with an officemate, didn’t feel I could approach it with my PI, and it was helpful.

        2. RedinSC*

          Yes, also went to the Ombudsperson when I had a horrible manager, but didn’t trust my boss to have my back or make things better. THey may ask if they can use your name, and will abide by your answer if you say no. (this was when I worked at a university)

    4. Turquoisecow*

      Yeah I was thinking that since HR was hesitant about hiring him on in the first place that OP could try talking to OP, especially in a “personal safety” sort of way, but if she fears retaliation, then an anonymous hotline type thing is the way to go.

      I feel like ideally Ezra would step in after that contentious meeting and give OP advice on how to handle that or say “if he pulls this crap with you, let me know.” I’ve been in situations where coworkers acted inappropriately (once a guy yelled at me, another time someone sent me an extremely snotty email questioning my competence on something that was not my area of expertise in the slightest and should have been her responsibility) and each time my boss handled it. He expressed his unhappiness to the other person’s boss and then let me know what happened afterwards (in the both cases the boss told them the behavior was unacceptable and my boss told me about this. In neither case did the person apologize to me directly.)

      if I was in a meeting where the boss and another person were having a shouting match like that (even one sided), I would expect the boss to say something to me afterwards, like “yeah, he needs to learn to accept criticism, I’ll work on it with him, let me know if you see him do that with anyone else and I’ll handle it.” But it doesn’t sound like Ezra has done anything here? Does he think that was a one off? Is he not aware of the rest of the situation? Either way, I agree that he’s the first place to start.

      1. Soss*

        Op here.
        Ezra and I (and everyone else in the lab, all 2 of the other coworkers lol) have talked behind-the-scenes a good bit about Phil’s behavior and tried to think of the best plan of action. Thus far (and this is a slight update from my original write-in) Ezra has pulled Phil aside and explicitly expressed to him that some of his actions were unacceptable. I don’t think anything has been said to our boss yet, but I told Ezra that he would have my support if/when it comes to that. In the meantime, Ezra knows how we all feel and that I want to work with him 1-1 as little as possible.

        1. Elbe*

          This is a great first step. Phil seems to have a lot of issues with emotional regulation and if his father’s solution is just to yell at him, he probably won’t get much better unless someone else intervenes and provides better expectations. I hope Phil is receptive.

          That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ezra is looking for a new job. I can’t imagine getting years of education only to have my job entail teaching a grown man not to behave like a spoiled toddler.

          When Phil was an intern, did anyone try to curb his behavior, or report his behavior to his dad? If his dad hired him already knowing that there were issues, then unfortunately he’s probably not willing to do much to stop it now.

          1. Soss*

            Op here.
            I would also be completely unsurprised if Ezra is looking for a new job. He’s a new dad, has the low salary of a researcher, and seems burnt out, and frankly I do not blame him at all. If he goes, I’m gone, and I strongly suspect the rest of the lab would go as well.
            I have no idea what Phil was like as an intern here. Most of his internships happened before I started working here 2 years ago, on and off while he was in high school and college.

        2. Turquoisecow*

          That is a good first step. Hopefully that helps or, if not, Ezra has the guts to take it a step further.

    6. T.N.H*

      Even if no one in the lab seems to care, the hospital might. They have a reputation to protect. I would go around your direct supervisors and straight to someone in a position of authority at the parent company level.

    7. WillowSunstar*

      If the company does nothing, maybe some kind of Ombudsman would help?

      I personally left a job in large part because of a coworker who clearly had emotional instability/possible mental issues and acted like he was also stalking me. My only regret was waiting the required year to do so, but I was paying back student aid through the company.

    8. Venus*

      I might also suggest a ‘hypothetical’ discussion with HR. I have spoken to IT and HR folks about difficult problems, and said that if hypothetically I had *this* problem then what options would I have for resolution?

      This assumes a reasonable HR who are helpful and don’t meddle – they understood that I wanted to try resolving the problems unofficially first, and yet it was helpful for me to know if they thought my problems could be escalated and what support they could offer. It was the same with my IT, where they were always happy to answer questions before I made a mistake! I learned this wording from a coworker many years ago, and I don’t know if it’s the best wording yet it worked well for me.

  6. cindylouwho*

    As someone who also works in a research lab in a hospital…. Our space is another world. My corporate friends are always flabbergasted to hear my stories. There’s so much crazy ish going on here.

    1. cindylouwho*

      I know several labs in our department have a male husband PI/boss with a female wife lab manager. And that’s just scratching the surface

      1. Righty tighty lefty loosey*

        Many years ago my friend and I were managers of separate labs in the same department. My friend was having an affair with her PI. That PI was at the same time having an affair with one of the postdocs in the lab I managed. That postdoc couldn’t do anything to my friend directly so instead she sabotaged and undercut me until I was fired. Crazy days indeed!

      2. Excel Gardener*

        I kinda understand situations like that, though, having been adjacent though not in academia myself. When you’re working 50-60 hour weeks (or more) on very niche research that nobody outside your specialty understands or cares about, your entire social life and dating pool dwindles to your fellow academics. And then the job market is so brutal that often if one half of a couple gets a job, the trailing half either gets offered a job at the same institution or leaves the field.

        1. anne of mean gables*

          Yes I have seen this dynamic a lot and it’s almost always a spousal hire situation. Not to say that it can’t go off the rails just as much as any other “family members working closely together” situation but it’s a pretty typical recruiting practice (esp at the very large institution in a very small town that I was affiliated with).

      3. amoeba*

        True, I know a few of those, too. (I do feel less annoyed by it though because I know how basically impossible it is to have dual careers in academia – I think for half of those couples it was literally the only way to live in the same city without one of them having to give up their chosen career!)

      4. Nonanon*

        I’m AMAZED how many husband/wife teams there are in labs; one spouse is the PI, one is the lab manager, married PIs in different labs, postdocs in the same labs, etc. I understand the two body problem all too well (I’m research adjacent, my partner CANNOT relocate) but DANG.

      5. Gentle Reader*

        I have worked for a couple of husband-wife teams in academic labs. A situation to avoid if at all possible!

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Not just that, if Cyrus is a big name or even just a respected, published lead researcher in their field, they could leave the institution for another and take their grants with them. If you want to make an analogy to non-research environments, they may be more like a sales/account rep that brings in 7 or 8 digit accounts than a traditional supervisor, but even sales reps are usually repping their company more than themselves!

      1. lyonite*

        Principle Investigator. Basically, the head of the lab. Very little oversight, unless they do something egregious, and often not then.

        1. Artemesia*

          Universities will protect even monsters in these roles who abuse female staff and grad students or undercut careers of underlings in ridiculous ways. Administrations don’t care who is destroyed to protect someone who brings in big grants and fame.

  7. Hyaline*

    If the incoming nepo-hire was the only problem, that’s bad enough…but I’m side-eyeing Ezra, apparently a manager-level employee (whether he’s Phil’s manager or not) stooping to a pronunciation debate that turns yell-y in a meeting and no one controlling the escalation of that argument. The fact that Phil is unstable is bad; the fact that no one seems to have a hand on the steering wheel here may be worse. Maybe Phil is exposing the fractures in the functioning of this team, and without him, everything would be fine…but it’s also possible that these were fissures that would have busted open regardless.

    LW, you work for what sounds like a large hospital, so you should have an HR department that, whether they are good or not, is probably at least functional. I’d start documenting in case this continues or escalates and you need to involve them. Because while Phil hasn’t personally threatened you, his pattern of behavior suggests he eventually will, and there doesn’t appear to be a managerial structure in place to curb his problematic outbursts. Right now you’re an observer, but if you’re ever a target, I’d head straight to HR (“fucking answer me” is threatening and unhinged and worth involving HR for that alone).

    1. Hornswoggler*

      Thank you! I massively side-eyed Ezra, who should be able to shut down petty squabbles, not escalate them.

    2. samwise*

      Frankly, I think being in any contact with Phil, including that meeting, warrants a call or visit to HR. If the meeting was awhile ago, well, say something like, I was upset and scared at the time and didn’t know what to do, but now I realize I need to report it. Because you have a reasonable fear of any contact with Phil.

    3. Soss*

      I understand why Ezra comes off bad here, I do have a lot of sympathy for him though. He just had his first child and came back from paternity leave straight into this situation haha. Luckily in that meeting things weren’t getting heated specifically about the pronunciations, though it definitely contributed heavily to Ezra losing his patience over other (less petty and more impactful to the actual work) items.
      I think the reason Phil’s presence is ‘exposing fractures’ in team function is due to how the team, as individuals and as a whole lab, is very self directed. It was fine and provided a lot of flexibility when everyone involved got along, was respectful and could self-regulate, but a situation like this definitely exposes the cons of this kind of work environment.

        1. judyjudyjudy*

          Phil is not Ezra’s direct report, but Ezra is managed by Cyrus — which makes this whole thing a complicated tangle. Unclear how much leverage Ezra has here, and it’s possible there has been conversations about behavior between Phil and Ezra, but Ezra doesn’t have much leverage, and he knows it.

          1. Ellie*

            Yes, Ezra’s hands are tied because he reports to Cyrus. He should talk to that second manager who got roped into managing Phil as a first step.

    5. Gentle Reader*

      Ezra is the lab manager. Lab managers manage the things in the lab, not the people- ordering supplies, keeping the equipment running, etc. They have no authority and are sometimes considered the bottom of the pecking order because they spend time doing non-scientific work. I’ve been a lab manager.

      1. Hyaline*

        LW refers to Ezra as “my manager” so it would appear he may manage people–either way, a senior (as in, been there longer) employee shouldn’t get shouty in a meeting. They should theoretically have the skills to disengage. I’m sorry, but this has dysfunction written all over it.

  8. LL*

    I actually wonder if Cyrus actually yelled at Phil. A lot of people, myself included, sometimes say we were “yelled at” when actually we were chastised or faced consequences for something we did (when being chastised or facing consequences was completely appropriate). And considering how volatile Phil is, I don’t think he’s a reliable messenger here.

    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      I think it’s possible and likely that OP heard about the yelling from Sam, who was there, or another witness, not from Phil. It doesn’t sound like OP has a lot of direct interaction with Phil.

      1. Nicosloanica*

        Yes a lot of OP’s info is coming second hand, which actually gives me hope that OP may be able to squeeze out a reasonable work experience in this role for at least a little longer. But places that are managed this way are always going to ultimately be an issue for you too, even if it takes a while. You’ll probably want to start thinking of an exit strategy now.

      2. LL*

        I was actually assuming that when Phil angrily texted Edward he told Edward that his dad yelled at him, but yeah, it’s possible it was someone else’s interpretation of what happened, in which case it should be taken with an even bigger grain of salt! Cyrus might actually deal with this better than we think!

        1. Mango Freak*

          Oh if it came from Phil, I would take it with the biggest grain of salt! Histrionic types love to round everyone else’s pushback (in any form) up to shouting, while they themselves NEVER shout (regardless of actual decibel level).

    2. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

      Yeah, “yelled at” is mid-transition from meaning “raised their voice angrily at me” and “spoke to me sternly,” and so it’s hard to say. Also, since this isn’t firsthand, it’s hard to know who characterized it that way (like, if it was Phil who said his dad yelled, I’d take it with a boulder of salt).

    3. Elbe*

      This is a great point. If there was no real yelling, then what we have could be an example of someone expressing concerns about Phil’s behavior, Cyrus taking it seriously, and speaking to Phil about it. That’s promising!

      One reason that nepo hiring is discouraged is that, even if the boss IS actually reasonable, people fear retribution too much to even surface concerns for them to action. I’d be interested to know how much information Cyrus has about this situation.

    4. Hyaline*

      I mean, whether he actually “raised his voice yelled” or “chastised yelled”, the upshot is still “the only course correction this guy is getting is a talk from Dad” rather than his own boss, or understanding repercussions for this kind of behavior via HR, or whatever. And that’s not good.

    5. Archi-detect*

      I said I was disappointed-at once lol- basically there was an issue I should have raised to my manager and didn’t which risked me having to pay for travel expenses if accounting did not sign off. He did not yell or anything, just wished I raised it at the time. Good less on all around

  9. Dasein9 (he/him)*

    Oh, I hope Phil can get away, for both LW’s sake and his own.
    It sounds miserable to be around him, but also to be him.

    1. Irish Teacher.*

      It sounds like he and the father are stuck in roles from his childhood. The way he messes up, gets yelled at, blames the person who “told on him” but fails to experience any long term consequence sounds like a kid who doesn’t do his share of the chores and is told on by a sibling rather than an adult who has failed to meet the requirements of their job.

      And yeah, I agree, he is better off out of there both because he isn’t learning professional norms and because…he seems to be remaining in some ways in the role of a child, fearing daddy will find out that he’s messed up. Which yeah, can’t be much fun for him either.

      1. Artemesia*

        ‘yells’ just means criticized or held accountable to virtually all people I hear use it. I have heard many a staff member say someone (sometimes I) yelled at them when they were simply told to do something a different way or redo something defective.

      2. Resentful Oreos*

        This really stinks for everyone – Phil, all the coworkers, even dad. Phil and Cyrus sound stuck in dysfunctional “parent child” mode and Phil has never leveled up from “son,” so to speak.

        Many times, a good work experience in one’s 20’s can really help the maturing process and offer a window on what the world is like outside of one’s family. I know people for whom their jobs – and I’m talking barista or grocery clerk or office temp, nothing fancy – have been lifelines to what normal, sane, functional people and environments are.

        Phil is not getting this opportunity, which is one of the downsides of being a nepo baby. He’s stuck on Son Mode, and Cyrus is going to be stuck in Dad Mode, and it does not sound functional or pleasant for either of them. Now their coworkers are dragged unwillingly into this mess.

        And this is why small family businesses are my VERY LEAST FAVORITE places to work, along with very small nonprofits run by a possessive fanatic who has A Vision and won’t let go. These kinds of workplaces, IME, are like Petri dishes of dysfunction. It’s especially bad when there is no dedicated HR. I know HR is there for the company, not the worker, etc. etc., but they do have to put at least some kind of lawful professional veneer on things.

        OP, do look after yourself and your own safety, if Phil has a temper. And document document document, as everyone says.

    2. Soss*

      OP here, and from my perspective you’re totally right. It’s my suspicion that Phil is under a lot of stress trying to perform well under his dad, and the way he’s alienating this coworkers (including myself) with his behavior only worsens the environment he’s working in

      1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

        You were wondering whether he was neurotypical further up, and it sounds to me like Phil has been categorised in his family as the “weird” one, who may be smart at his job but not for social interactions and certainly not for job searching. So Dad is protecting his clever kid from all that by hiring him, so he doesn’t have to mask as normal during job searches.
        Which is, OK perhaps the best idea he can come up with, but right now it’s not helping Phil in any way since he and his father are now playing out their unhealthy family dynamics in the workplace.
        Not that I have any suggestions, I was just thinking that it all kind of adds up and makes sense like that.

  11. Nicosloanica*

    As someone who works in a dumpster fire that’s slowly rolling downhill towards a petrochemical factory, I am well equipped to advise on this situation. OP, do you see a path where you can keep your head down and focus on interesting and rewarding work that may lead you to distinguishment in the near future that would allow you to go on to better things? Right now, in front of you, is that path clear? Or do you know that you’ll only be able to get anywhere with a lot of collaboration / going through Phil’s position with no way to avoid him / needing a lot of collaboration with Ezra and Cyrus? (Not just a sign off but intensive support – because neither of these two are a reliable managers).

    1. OrdinaryJoe*

      “…works in a dumpster fire that’s slowly rolling downhill towards a petrochemical factory” *Brilliant* description of so many places, including mine right now. I’m going to borrow it. Just … brilliant LOL

    2. Soss*

      OP here.
      I can definitely keep my head down and keep working on publications and projects to add to my CV. I’m unsure how much of the future work would entail me working directly with Phil – it’s such a small lab that kind of by default, everyone is involved in every study.
      I am very strongly considering starting the steps to move on to a different workplace. The work and colleagues (minus Phil) here might be amazing, but I think I’m going to quickly outgrow the low pay that comes with academic work.

      1. lyonite*

        Come to industry! I’m not going to say it’s never disfunctional (LOL), but it’s worlds better than academia, and what it lacks in prestige, it makes up for in money.

    3. Resentful Oreos*

      “a dumpster fire that’s slowly rolling downhill towards a petrochemical factory”

      Definitely stealing this. What a hilarious and accurate phrase.

  12. MassMatt*

    I’ve seen this kind of bad nepotism hire firsthand and also heard about several others from people I know well. It has NEVER worked out well for people who complain or try to address the issue. If HR or the boss were competent the issue wouldn’t have come up in the first place.

    I gather that the boss here is a Big Deal. He either has major publications, or brings in big grant money, or both. He therefore gets to do what he wants, and doesn’t care about the day to day problems with the work because he’s never around day to day.

    I know it’s easy to say “look for another job” but I think that’s much better than getting involved in this mess. At some point this immature nut job will mess up so badly he will get fired, but whomever else is involved in reporting the mess is likely to have their career damaged severely also.

    It’s depressing, and I wish it weren’t so, but IMO this is a big pile of sh!t and you don’t want to roll around in it.

    1. Nebula*

      I recently found out that in a different faculty at the university I work at, there are research admins whose entire jobs are dealing with a handful of prestigious PIs who bring in a lot of money, think the rules don’t apply to them, and are an absolute nightmar to work with. I really wonder what the level of turnover in those roles is like.

      1. dulcinea47*

        High, b/c they also don’t pay well at all. (I also work at large university, this is based on talking with someone who was managing a lab for such a person but getting paid less than $40K a year (midwest)).

      2. MassMatt*

        They think the rules don’t apply to them because for the most part they are right, the rules DON’T apply to them.

        My partner was in a lab where the married PI was having an affair with a post-doc, also married. They were regularly having sex in the PI’s office. Other post docs had their projects ignored, and gradually left. The last one remaining finally went to HR and there was an investigation.

        Both the PI and the post doc having affairs were terminated (but got 6 figure settlements) and the post doc reporting it was left in an empty lab. HR considered her a pariah for “embarrassing “ the university. Without a recommendation from the PI she was left hanging in the wind. It took her two years to get back on track and it still hurts her career years later.

      3. i am a human*

        Hi, it’s me. I do this job. I work for a specific PI, though, not a handful. The one I’m working with now breaks more rules than any other one I’ve worked with (including insisting when my job was created that it be classified at a higher pay range than these jobs typically are). A big part of my job is knowing the rules and which ones are worse to break than others so I can keep my PI from doing the most egregious things. It makes for some great stories with my peer group.

        As for turnover, for people that aren’t making much like dulcinea47 mentions (and yes lab managers are usually way underpaid) are probably more likely to move from project to project looking for the next rung up. Beyond that, it’s personality match. I actually love working with my PI even though he can be a PITA, but I wouldn’t want to work for the flavors of PITA that my peer group members do. At this point, I’d have a helluva time moving to a lab that would pay me as much as I make now (judging by some of the job descriptions I’ve see on the job board…. hi, I need a phd to manage my lab, write my grants, and do the finance in addition to research for $45K).

        1. Nebula*

          Yes what I meant was that there is a whole team where one individual is assigned to one PI (so between them they’re only dealing with about four PIs total), so sounds very similar to your job. I’ve only been working in HE for about six months (though have worked *with* HEIs a lot in the past), so it’s been really interesting learning things like this.

  13. She of Many Hats*

    The comment about “flight or fight” response being triggered raised a Big Ole Red flag with me. Unless the LW has a very low thresh-hold for confrontation, having that instinct triggered means the situation might rise toward a hostile workplace threat.

    Even new college grads should know tantrums are not acceptable behavior much less arguing over word pronunciation. After multiple internships in the same organization, he should recognize the norms of behavior at a hospital.

    Get witnesses to the last tantrum to document the event and document each new one as they arise: aggressive arguing with manager, threats, leaving work without leave, throwing things, etc. If Ezra can’t or won’t deal with the bad behavior in a lab with chemicals and bio-hazards, it needs to go to HR before it escalates.

    2. Nicosloanica*

      Yes, so far we have yelling and threats. I don’t want to see where we go from that base, TBH. The fact that nobody has addressed either one is … not great, Bob.

    3. Strive to Excel*

      In fairness to OP I’ve described myself in similar situations when caught in *very awkward* conversations that aren’t hostile workplace material.

      However, I agree that documenting and raising to HR as applicable is the move here.

    4. Soss*

      Op here!
      I do have a low threshold for confrontation, whether I’m involved or merely a witness, so it’s hard for me to be an objective judge as to how serious of a threat Phil could be to workplace safety, but at the very least his actions and works were extremely, 100% without a doubt inappropriate for any kind of professional environment. Thus far no explicit or implied threats of harm to anybody.

      1. Attractive Nuisance*

        Personally I would consider throwing things to be an implied threat of harm. It crosses the clear boundary from words to physical actions.

        Also… just want to throw my 2 cents here about the worst case scenario. I know someone who had serious behavioral issues, so his dad hired him so he’d be able to keep an eye on him. Unfortunately the dad couldn’t keep a close enough eye and multiple people were seriously harmed by the son’s behavior.

        Given that you said Phil has been interning with this lab since high school, I wonder if there is something similar going on here. It might be that Cyrus is not expecting Phil to behave work-appropriately but rather is hoping the rest of you will just put up with it. But you absolutely do not deserve to work with someone who can’t behave appropriately.

      2. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

        Soss, please remember that sometimes you just need to step out of a meeting for a quick bathroom visit. Even if there’s only 3 people in the meeting. It happens!

        As you get up, you murmur “I’ll be right back” and then you head into the bathroom. And use it, since you’re there! And then get some coffee or something. Maybe even head back to the meeting to see if it has calmed down (but listen at the door for a moment, because if people haven’t calmed down, don’t even open it).

    5. NaoNao*

      It’s certainly an awful situation but there’s no such (legal) thing as a “hostile workplace threat”. Raised voices and threatening language or demanding, disrespectful language doesn’t fall under the legal definition of “hostile workplace”. It’s the colloquial or literal definition but many people seem confused about that and really use the term widely when it’s much more narrow in terms of the actual law (in the USA at least).

      Hostile workplace is repeated, unwelcome, and purposeful actions or words *based on a protected category* (like race, gender, gender expression, etc.), not yelling and cursing and being disrespectful.

      That doesn’t mean the OP shouldn’t take it seriously and she absolutely should document it and consider going to HR but…using that phrase “hostile workplace threat” will get OP exactly nowhere as its for all intents and purposes meaningless.

  14. HonorBox*

    The thing that give me pause, and hope, is that this is in a hospital. A larger business. This isn’t a family-run place that doesn’t have HR or the head of the family serving as de facto HR. There are more systems in place to help with a situation like this.
    Someone… preferably, but not exclusively Ezra, someone should go to HR and report all of this. The exchange with Edward is problematic. Phil leaving after the exchange with Ezra is problematic. And Cyrus yelling at Ezra is the most problematic.
    HR’s concerns were skirted by having Phil report to someone not in line with Cyrus. Yet Cyrus was comfortable enough to yell at Phil, thereby stomping all over the rules in place. Phil is not under Cyrus’s supervision, but Dad came out when Phil made a mess. Would Cyrus have disciplined any other employee the same way?
    Geez… I hope HR can see how big a mess this already is. Maybe Cyrus is great at his job…but Phil needs to go.

    1. Junior Assistant Peon*

      I’m guessing it’s a university hospital where Cyrus is a big important research professor who’s pretty much immune to the HR rules that govern regular employees. This is exactly how big universities operate – HR only has authority over office staff, and big important research professors pretty much have absolute power over their grad students and postdocs.

      1. HonorBox*

        I see that completely. My hope was that they might figure out how to get Phil out. Because Cyrus (aside from the yelling) seems to give OP no concern at all. But maybe they can find a way to show Phil the door.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      Yeah, my hopes are all pinned on the fact that despite the similarities, this *isn’t* academia or a family business. Someone (preferably Ezra, but it also could be anyone who’s butted heads with Phil) needs to complain to Phil’s manager or HR that Phil isn’t behaving appropriately, and to HR that Cyrus isn’t behaving appropriately with regards to Phil.

      OP, if you have any kind of rapport with Edward, I’d ask him to please report Phil for making threats. It might spur Edward to action to realize that Phil’s erratic behavior is affecting more than just him.

  15. MuseumChick*

    The longer I have been in the working world and the more I read AAM the more I strongly believe it is almost (99.9999%) a good idea to try and fix things at a company or speak up in a situation like this. OP, my advice is, Cyrus sucks (even if he is a great boss in other ways, hiring his son and letting this go on makes him a crappy boss) and its not going to change. Start job hunting, if you do an exist interview I would keep answers vague as to why you are leaving.

  16. pally*

    OP, if you do speak with Ezra about Phil, you might also mention how uncomfortable you were at that meeting you mentioned (where Phil kept correcting Ezra’s pronunciations of chemical names).

    If Ezra is a good manager, they will realize that, politics aside, there’s a more important reason to complain about Phil – you and your well-being. It’s no longer a matter of what Phil might do if you are tasked with working with him. Phil has already done harm to you.

    1. Mom2ASD*

      This correcting of pronunciation – sounds like Phil is perseverating (ie. unable to let things go, but rather fixated on something). I deal with this with my ASD son sometimes.

      Ezra should name and identify the issue that Phil is letting himself be fixated on things that do not matter. Ezra should also set clear standards of professional norms and work with Phil to ensure he meets those expectations. He should have a frank conversation with Phil to the effect that his behaviours are a problem and that it is in HIS OWN best interests to learn professional norms. I would point out to Phil that regardless of his father’s position / influence, he needs to learn how to operate within a professional environment appropriately, because this behaviour is going to destroy his chances for an independent and successful career.

      This is coaching beyond which a manager should have to do, but since Ezra is stuck with Phil, he should put in the effort to train him in how to be a functioning human being. Hopefully, Phil will have the self-insight (or will gain it) to realize that this would be to his benefit.

      1. pally*

        This would be absolutely wonderful for Ezra to carry out. It would sure serve Phil well in the long run. I’m sure everyone would see that.

        However, does Ezra risk their job by doing so? If I were Ezra, I’d have to weigh this aspect carefully. Cyrus may take offense at anyone attempting to impart workplace norms to his son (i.e. “only I, his father, can correct Phil”).

        I would hope Cyrus isn’t that petty.

    2. judyjudyjudy*

      Ezra might not have much choice — PIs answer to no one, and can be obstinate or even vindictive. Cyrus already showed a lack of judgement getting his son hired in this way so that Ezra is the de facto manager of Phil. Ezra might be in a tough spot — and even good managers have bills and kids (or cats or iguanas) to feed. It’s possible that if this continues, Ezra will be looking for a new job too. Guess who he’ll have to rely on for a reference?

  17. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

    Be honest with yourself over time whether a workplace with yelling matches and other inappropriate communications, and having to walk on eggshells around the boss’s son are tolerable. I’ve been in a “dream job” where I loved the work but then one seemingly untouchable toxic person came in and it became intolerable. At first, I though I could deal with it and work around it. In fact, I started to internalize maybe I wasn’t doing “enough” to make it work. But it wasn’t on me and I could not deal with the environment, amd ultimately left a job I had thought I’d stay in for the rest of my career.

    1. CommanderBanana*

      ^^ This. I’ve jobs where I loved the work and hated the people, and jobs where I hated the people and loved the work. Hopefully one day I’ll find a place where I love the work and the people. But I can’t work in a toxic environment without my own mental health taking a dive, regardless of how much I love the work.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      “Dream jobs” don’t exist, and even if they did, they wouldn’t be sending you into fight-or-flight panic mode.

      1. ApocalypseHow*

        I remember crying to my husband about my toxic boss at my “dream job.” Husband responded, “This is not your dream job! Your dream job would have a boss who is nice to you!”

    3. Soss*

      Op here.
      You’re totally right T.T
      This may have been my dream job when I was graduating, but the job is changing and so am I. Starting to feel how I’m outgrowing it.

      1. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

        When you’ve had on rose-colored glasses about a job, and then something like Phil comes along and you’re forced to take them off, sometimes you start to see that there are other issues as well.

        That happened for me. My Phil was a big driver of my eventual exit, but I also looked with a more critical eye at the job and its lack of growth opportunities.

    3. Hlao-roo*

      From Wikipedia:

      In many countries, the term principal investigator (PI) refers to the holder of an independent grant and the lead researcher for the grant project, usually in the sciences, such as a laboratory study or a clinical trial. The phrase is also often used as a synonym for “head of the laboratory” or “research group leader”.

    4. Nonanon*

      Equivalent in “normal workplace speak” is going to be upper management, but not quite C-suite; Deans are “CEOs,” PI is the “big boss,” lab managers or similar are “middle management.”

      1. Antilles*

        This is a good analogy, though I’d also add the important note that research funding is usually tied to the PI themselves and his name recognition/experience, etc…and can disappear if the PI chooses to depart.
        So in this analogy, the PI is the big boss who’s *also* simultaneously the company’s best salesman – with exactly the level of untouchability that implies.

        1. AFac*

          Yes and no; a PI can take credit on their CV for receiving a big grant even after they leave the University, but the money goes to the University in general, which disperses it as the PI requests. If the PI leaves, the money may go with them but not always; it depends on what was negotiated during the departure process and where the PI is going.

  19. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    Cyrus knows full well what Phil is like. He pulled strings to get his son hired, because he knew that Phil would have trouble finding and keeping a job on his own. What he should have done is gotten help for his son – the fact that this is in the neuroscience field is just ironic icing on the cake.

    Addressing this to Cyrus is not going to get anything accomplished. This is a problem for HR and Phil’s nominal manager. I don’t know what else to tell OP other than: document, don’t escalate with Phil when he’s having one of these episodes, and start looking.

    1. Dust Bunny*

      This, exactly.

      Cyrus is betting on his own proximity to both sort of keep Phil in line, control Phil’s life, and to make sure Phil is hired somewhere where Cyrus can intimidate people into putting up with it.

      1. Resentful Oreos*

        I agree. And the problem is that 1) Cyrus is not going to be around forever. I’m not even talking about dying, I’m talking about retirement. 2) The possibility that Phil and his temper might get him into *such* a pickle that even Big Daddy can’t extricate him from the consequences of his own actions. (If Phil actually punches someone, for instance.)

        Cyrus, and other helicopter parents in general, are doing their Phils no favors by trying to hover and control the situation rather than give Phil the tools to work things out so that he’s at least somewhat employable. Or, in the extreme, get on disability. Yes, disability is *very very* hard to get, but, if Phil truly cannot work without being propped up by Daddy, it might be an option, and better explored sooner than later.

        This is why it’s so important to fight the urge to shelter and enable adult children who have issues – it might be neurodivergence, it might be something else, we cannot know. At least Cyrus does have the resources and connections to be Phil’s safety net. A working class “Phil” would not be so lucky. But eventually most of us have to move forward in the world without our parents or a parent figure.

    2. LoraC*

      To be fair, this is actual advice from psychologists. I knew of two people who struggled with mental issues and couldn’t get a job, and their psychologist told their parents to get them an easy job at their company where they can start to experience work in a protected space.

      Two different people, two different psychologist. One was my coworker, the other was a son of my mom’s friend.

      1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

        Ugh. Psychologists are mostly independent practitioners and have no idea how to run any kind of larger business. Terrible advice.

  20. Lightbourne Elite*

    Oh what a demoralizing situation for everyone who is watching Phil get away with being a violent, awful brat. Dude should have been fired the second he had a “throwing things” level breakdown at work.

    1. Soss*

      Op here. This, and my paycheck that is currently $10k below the average STARTING salary for my exact degree despite 2 years in the job, is starting to make industry look really nice and inviting…

      1. tiny*

        fwiw, working in academic labs can also warp your sense of job market value. You work with mostly PhDs who dream about becoming PIs and wax poetic about the purity of the science or whatever, and you often get treated like you are an unserious robot who contributes very little. And so you feel worthless and like There Is Only The Academy. In industry* people love good techs/RAs and understand that they make thing go.

        * obvs there are still baddies

        -Former RA

        1. judyjudyjudy*

          I just came from industry back to academia. Academia could be ok if you work for a good person, and the benefits can be really good. Industry can have a lot of market volatility, which I how I ended up going back to academia after I was laid off. But your situation if for sure the dark side of this work. I’d start looking for a new role for sure!

      2. Trout 'Waver*

        Yeah, I run a lab in industry and the money is nice. If I could be a tenured professor, I’m sure I’d love it. But the road to getting there? No thanks.

      3. Resentful Oreos*

        Industry would love to have you, pays better, and most of them have HR!

        As an outsider, I plain do not get the allure of academia. It sounds like one of those horrible grinding “passion jobs” where it’s an excuse to burn and churn through innumerable starry-eyed new grads with a vague promise of “maybe some day you will be a tenured professor” which, these days, is about as likely as “maybe some day you will be a prima ballerina.”

        1. Cedrus Libani*

          I have done both (I’m a biotech / data person with a PhD) and I agree with you. For every tenured professor, there’s an army of underpaid, overworked juniors. Many get forced out, often in ways that would give an actual HR department the vapors. Others hang on as semi-permanent “staff” for decades. In terms of hourly wages, they could be slinging hamburgers at McDonald’s. But if you ask them why they stay, they’re living the dream and can’t imagine doing anything else…

          Yes, the intellectual leash is tighter when you’re working in industry. But the pay, the work-life balance, and the professionalism make up for it, at least IMO. Also, as the kind of person who enjoys the problem-solving aspect…I still get to do that.

      4. Observer*

        Consider accepting that “invitation”. Don’t let anyone bamboozle you about being a “sell out” or “only working for money” etc.

  22. cheviot*

    OP, I have worked in a number of academic labs, and my advice is to start figuring out how to leave. Small labs in particular tend to be hotspots of wild behavior and toxicity, and normal office professional norms don’t really apply in that environment. The university made some noise but isn’t going to force your PI’s hand, especially if he’s known in his field. Your best bet is to run for it before the whole situation blows up.

  23. bamcheeks*

    This + the “you may also likes” are all a serious indictment of people ever hiring their family members. Oof.

  24. H.Regalis*

    I’m sorry, LW, but leaving might be the best thing you can do. It doesn’t sound like Cyrus can be objective about his son as an employee, and Phil sounds fucking awful. I’ve spent too much time around emotionally volatile people and it really wears you down after a while. It’s worth trying to talk to Ezra about it, but be prepared for nothing to change.

    1. H.Regalis*

      I wanted to add: Even if you’re not actively having a fight or flight response, constantly being a bit on edge will grind you down and can make other health stuff flare up. You stop even being able to feel how on edge you are because you get used to the feeling and it seems normal after a while.

      I had a ton of chronic health problems when I had to be around guys like Phil, and while the health problems aren’t gone now, they went from being constantly symptomatic to being symptomatic once in a blue moon. Even if Phil never chucks a beaker at your head, being around him can really mess you up.

  25. toolegittoresign*

    I would document everything and, also, when you’re in a situation like the one where Phil was interrupting Ezra to the point where it got confrontational and you were stressed to the point of “fight or flight,” it’s always okay in those situations to say “I am sorry but the tenor of this conversation is making me really uncomfortable and I think we should reschedule this meeting.”

  26. Colorado*

    “Hurray to being socialized as a woman in a STEM field.”
    I feel this to the core. Stand your ground and state you will not work alone with Phil. Do not run from the research you cherish for this d-bag. People easily say find a new job, it’s not that easy. Sometimes you stay and stand your ground. Best of luck from this STEM woman.

  27. judyjudyjudy*

    Sorry, Allison, I disagree with you. Academic workplaces are wild and full of really, shockingly unprofessional nonsense, and I don’t blame Ezra one bit for keeping quiet. It depends a lot on the personality of the PI, but I’ve known plenty to be spiteful and that vitriol is unchecked by HR. Also, Cyrus is going to have a lot of pull with HR, so I’m not sure there will be much help there.

    Here’s my advice, paltry as it is: (1) document everything (2) loop in Ezra if Phil does or says anything unprofessional to you, so at least other people have heard you say out loud what is happening (3) stay calm if you can in the face of Phil’s outbursts, and state your boundaries (4) start looking for a new role, because I’m not sure Phil will ever be fired unless he does something really public (usually involving another PI or their staff) and really bad.

  28. Chaos*

    Hey, I’m a Preclinical Research Manager for a large institution and I am a woman who has worked in academia for over 25 years. OP, it’s time to network and get out of there. Nepotism is very common in research and your manager is trapped. If he had any power to actually manage Phil, then he would have used it. He either doesn’t know how to handle employee conflict, or he is worried it would affect his income to rein in Phil. Either way, this situation is not going to be resolved any time soon.

    Contacting an ombudsman is an option, but HR already allowed this hire to go through. Your institution will likely go to extreme lengths to keep this PI happy and his grant money in their coffers. It’s time to leverage your skills! Read Allison’s great books, write an outstanding resume and cover letter, and go get a better paying position! Write us back with an update when you start your new dream job!

  29. Boof*

    Yep, this is a hot mess and Phil shouldn’t be held to a different standard and while Academia is weird, I think it tends to frown on nepotism (or at least, knows there’s a huge risk of scandal). While most of this isn’t really on your shoulders OP it’s certainly worth considering reporting to HR or other whistleblower internal line that you’re having to deal with a colleague who seems hostile a lot at work

  30. Procedure Publisher*

    Reminds me of the nonsense going on at the University of Iowa with the assistant coach being head coach’s son. Son was reporting to AD to avoid nepotism stuff. Kind of similar how Phil is reporting to a different manager. Then the AD retired and left the mess to the acting AD (who became the new AD) to clean up.

    The different manager that Phil is under needs to know about Phil’s behavior. Maybe they will do what is needed like how the new AD at Iowa did to stop the circus around the son of the head coach.

  31. Oy with the poodles already*

    I work in academic research (administration) and I think this could have big implications on the research in the lab and could be against some of the rules of companies/foundations that are funding the research. Perhaps talk with a research administrator to see what their opinion is of the PI’s relative working in the lab – hard to tell without knowing how the research is funded. If nothing else, the relationship may need to be documented and it might end up not being worth documenting because whether Phil directly reports to Cyrus or not, Cyrus is effectively directing his work and this could make it easier for people to question results, research methods, etc.

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